gair rhydd - Issue 754

rhydd

gair

free word - EST. 1972

TV Desk are overcome by Peter Andre insania but unimpressed by the latest Jackson stunt

By John Collingridge News Editor A STUDENT woke last week to find a burglar standing at the foot of her bed.

Becky Hawksworth, a 21-year-old Environmental Geoscience student

On?

Your union this fortnight

woke at 1.10pm on Wednesday when her door was opened.

The student had slept in late after working on her dissertation the night before. She was alone in the house at the time.

She told gair rhydd how the burglar hesitated for a split second in the

BROADCAST FROM UNION ROOF?

PICTURE: James Yeo

CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

What’s

WILL NEW INTERNET SERVICE

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doorway: “We both stared at each other and I said ‘Who are you?’ Then he ran out shutting her door behind him. “‘Shit George, get the hell out of here,’ he shouted to his accomplice in the next room.”

Becky ran after the burglars "but held back because I was scared of what they might do.”

The burglars escaped by locking the back door and taking the key.

They also dropped the latch on the front door lock so that no one could enter from outside. Becky was effectively trapped inside her house.

The student house on North Road is thought to have been accessed by the burglars kicking the door in. They left by an alleyway that runs along the back of the row of terraced houses.

Becky explained how she heard an initial bang “but thought nothing of it because our house is so noisy.”

The burglars took a holdall from one student’s room, into which they put two laptops, a minidisc player and a pair of Oakley sunglasses. A £500 bike was also taken.

The laptops, a Toshiba and Analyst T4 both contained the student’s dissertations, and Becky said that they are desperately needed.

Builders working on the nearby Severn Point site said that they saw two men matching the burglars’ description wheel-

E-FIT: Police have released an image of the burglar

Television

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

ISSUE 754. February 9

ing a bike and carrying a holdall.

Becky said the burglary has had quite an effect on her: "I am nervous in my room now, especially when people come in suddenly."

She explained that this was not the first time something like this has happened. "A few months ago someone chucked a brick through our back window. We were all in though so I think we scared them off."

Even more unfortunate was that two students were unable to claim on their insurance – one student’s policy ran out four days before the burglary.

Police have since released an e-fit image of one suspect. He was in his 30s, about 6ft 1ins tall, of medium build with black hair and Chinese appearance. If you have any information on the burglary, call Det Con Alan James on 02920 527420.

News

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February 9 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

a glance

News Editorial Politics Letters Taf-Od Listings Jobs & Money Competitions Media TV Listings Problem Page Five Minute Fun Sport

1 6 8 9 10 12 16 17 19 21 31 32 34

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS Andrew Caldicott OPINION & EDITORIAL Rhys James SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS Janine Jones GRAB Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Angharad George, Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr MEDIA Gary Andrews JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York FIVE MINUTE FUN Laura Davies PROBLEM PAGE Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund PROOF READERS Rosalyn Dewey, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Rob Sharples, Alys Southwood CONTRIBUTORS Sarah Ahmad, Thom Airs, Muara Brickell, Alexander Chassignon, James Cooke, Paul Dicken, Ruth Dickinson, Alex Dove, KerryLynne Doyle, Stephen Fishbourne, Molly Forbes, Ben Gibson, Iwan Horan, Mark Jenkins, Emily Knightley, Perri Lewis, Shaun Loven, Kim Lyon, Anna MacTaggart, Kirsty Monaghan, Beca Murphy, Nick Parnell, Matthew Ramsden, Owain Roberts, Geraint Rowlands, Jim Sefton, John Stanton, John Tuscany, Alison White, Claire Woods, Ben Wright, James Yeo

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor STUDENTS ARE less likely to be victims of crime than any other residents in Cardiff.

Figures compiled by South Wales Police for the period September to December 2003 state that students have a one in ten chance of being a victim of crime, compared to one in six people in the rest of the city’s population.

The report also found that the number of burglaries and violent crimes in the student village had dropped, a trend PC Bob Keohane attributed to "rich pickings in the city centre".

This is reflected in the growing number of unattended bags and mobile phones being stolen, despite repeated warnings to watch belongings at all times.

Auto crime continued to dominate the statistics, along with the theft of bicycles.

PHOTO: Anna MacTaggart

At

Violent crimes fall

ROAD TO

By Ben Gibson Reporter It emerged at last Wednesday’s AGM that the financial performance of the Students’ Union last academic year was precarious, to the tune of trade dropping by around £100,000.

Despite a good second half to the year, the Executive admitted that the 2002/2003 academic year amounted to a "difficult period of trading".

The annual report, presented at the Students’ Union Annual General

THE SABB TEAM

Meeting by Finance Officer Michael Rabjohns, indicated that 2002/03 produced a £4k surplus, resulting from a slight upturn in income and a small reduction in expenditure. The academic year 2001/02’s loss of over £250,000 was distorted by the £375,000 worth of essential repairs to the union roof, so the £4,000 surplus was a worrying and disappointing year end figure.

An administrative error led to the reports on losses of fixed assets and reserve revenue to be somewhat exaggerated, with this to be rectified at next years AGM. The union’s fixed assets actually experienced a loss of some 6%, much less than was quoted, with this being largely attributed to depreciation. Revenue reserve remained constant for the year at £1.25 million.

Should the trend continue this year, we would expect to see the union making a considerable loss come August 2004. Indeed, a general theme of poor performance from students’ unions has been increasing up and down the country, with some reporting negative revenue reserves. However, financial reports leaked to the gair rhydd suggest that trading this year is markedly up against budget, particularly in the Bars and Entertainment departments, where the union is 8.7% ahead of budget, over £110,000. While this is encouraging, traditionally the second semester proves to be a tough trading period, so

special attention will be paid to ensure this level of performance is maintained.

This strong performance this year is due in part to the success of new union entertainment such as the thriving Rubber Duck. Wednesday nights in the union have been a constant sell-out this year, whereas last year the popularity of stalwart Jive Hive was in sharp decline from November onwards. An increase in the number of live music events being staged in the Great Hall has also been produced a positive response and excellent attendances.

The main point of tension at the AGM rested on whether Cardiff University Students’ Union would be following the path trodden by the University by merging with the Med club come August.

Unremarkably, the union’s governing body voted by a landslide victory in favour. It follows months of negotiations between the Executive Officers from both sides, and was announced by a burst of pyrotechnics around the stage. Both VCs expressed their delight at the decision.

The Cardiff Vice Chancellor, Dr David Grant, and the VC from the Medical College, Professor Stephen Tomlinson, led presentations outlying the many benefits that a merged constitution could bring. They dispelled the myth that the Medical college was

SAFER: Cardiff students

UNIVERSITY: value for money?

By Alison White Reporter MIXED FEELINGS were shown in a pre-top up fees poll in the UNITE student living report 2004 about whether students feel they receive ‘good customer service’ at university.

The poll reported 58 per cent of students feel they receive ‘good’ customer service while 13 per cent feel the service to be ‘very good’. Ninety per cent of students have a favourable opinion and impression of their university.

Cardiff students expressed mixed views on the matter. Exploration Geology student Rupert Simpson said,

" I feel field trips are good value and lecturers are usually available to help us".

Evidence of good customer service can also be found with one English Literature lecturer, known for referring to students as “the paying customer.” due to his unlimited office hours to

ensure all queries are answered, students get value for money.

This follows a recent NUS survey which found that most university students rated their lecturers highly. gair rhydd took to the streets to find out how students rate their department.

t e e r t s e h t Word on ASHLEY JAMES, 3RD YEAR BUSINESS ADMIN

ANNA ROTTNER, 3RD YEAR MUSIC two lecOn my course I have mester se s thi ek tures a we ek last we and only one per ying up pa n ca w semester. Ho y? for mone I think to £3000 be value having to pay the that it is ridiculous, few lectures se courses with a medisame amount for tho as ch on courses su and compared with those me sa the y pa who cine and dentistr y n. tio times more tui receive at least five

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Some of the lectur rtpa de my ers in ment place more te more emphasis and devo research than they g tin uc nd co to e tim l that tuition fees do to teaching. I fee lue I receive va do not reflect the in terms of ty rsi ive un from the teaching standards.

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by Alison White

JAMES GRAY, INTEGRATED ENGINEERING

“

derLecturers are un be uld wo paid, I prepared to pay more tuition fees.

”

News

February 9 2004

Page 3

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

RECOVERY in financial difficulty, and that courses would suffer at the expense of more research.

Students expressed concern that sports clubs would lose their identity, but Dr David Grant allayed fears suggesting that there would still be space for the separate

identity that the Medical college celebrate vociferously.

The AGM also gave the go ahead for Medical students to vote in the coming Sabbatical election, to pass the annual report, and to change the name of Factory back to Fun Factory.

Scamming students to be investigated

Fun back in Factory

By John Tuscany FUN FACTORY will be returning to Monday nights as a direct response to student demand.

Students almost unanimously backed a motion, proposed at Wednesdays AGM, to return ‘Factory’ to its previous identity, ‘Fun Factory’. It is expected that Monday night will return to its former identity within the next couple of weeks.

Factory underwent a launch night at the start of the spring semester, and numbers had been significantly higher than before Christmas. This included the popular decision to return to free entry all night for NUS members.

The re-naming of the title ‘Fun Factory’ will complete the restoration and re-affirm Mondays in Solus as one of the premier alternative music nights in South Wales.

The Union will continue to encourage and provide live music and alternate music societies in conjunction with all of Fun Factory’s musical tastes.

Finance and Commercial Services Officer Mike Rabjohns commented, “I’m delighted. It’s clearly what the students want and we are more than happy to oblige.”

He also added that any matters involving the union can be tackled at the fortnightly meetings of the student council, rather than having to wait for an AGM. “It’s great to see students caring about the union, and we hope than those who do so will attend council to speak on important issues, such as the development of Fun Factory.”

It is hoped that along with the fun being fully restored to Factory, a combination of new drinks deals and a variety of acts and entertainment will see the night flourish once again.

By Paul Dicken Reporter

FINN GRAHAM: Is this the end if the union’s commercial slump?

By Stephen Fishbourne Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has warned Welsh Assembly members they must develop a culture of honesty rather than ‘spin’ if they are to prevent a loss of interest in politics.

Professor Richard Tait, Director of the University’s Centre for Journalism Studies, is leading research into voter apathy. He recently addressed Assembly members on the issue, expressing concern that if the current meltdown in public trust continues, it could do irreparable damage to the democratic system.

The department identified a lack of public faith in politicians as a key contributor to voter apathy. Research has shown that only 19 per cent of the population trusts politicians to tell the truth and this lack of faith saw the turnout in last year’s assembly elections drop to 38 per cent.

To try and address voter apathy among young people, the Welsh children’s charity NCH Cymru is supporting a campaign to lower the voting age in Wales to 16. The campaign is aimed at encouraging young people to engage with politics and give them the opportunity to have an impact on political issues that affect their lives.

The Electoral Commission is also running a nationwide campaign to raise political awareness and increase the turnout in next year’s local elections.

Luke Purse, a first year Engineering student, commented: “The adversarial style of party politics is more concerned with knocking the opposition than producing better alternative policies.

“The nature of these squabbles often prevents Parliament working in the best interests of the country. It is no wonder the public, particularly young people, are loosing both faith and interest.”

PHOTO: James Ye o

Uni warns Assembly: you must be more honest

STUDENT APATHY: In action

The government has proposed the introduction of ‘bursary snoops’ to investigate students who claim hardship money, if top-up fees are introduced.

The development of these plans and the investigation of students is to be controlled by local education authorities, who according to The Times - will employ similar tactics to those used by private schools to check the legitimacy of claims for means-tested bursary funds.

Such tactics include teachers visiting homes to conduct an interview, while making notes of economic indicators such as the size of the house, the make of car and quality of furnishings.

Though this seems a little thin on the ground for any real prevention of fraud, if these visits yield suspicions then further investigations are made.

Under the plans for ‘bursary snoops’ local authorities will recruit 3,000 inspectors, costing £100 million, to ensure the money made available for poorest students goes to poorest students.

When the government phased out the old maintenance scheme in 1999, the Audit Commission decided that £120 million had been claimed illegally under the old system. This most probably occurred through students being selective in revealing their economic support, and by students claiming support, then immediately leaving uni.

Graham Lane of the Local Government Association was quoted in The Times recently as suggesting students used ‘all sorts of tricks’. And the proposals, if topup fees are introduced, may prevent deterrence by making money available to students who really don’t have enough to justify getting a unversity education at £3,000 (and the rest) a year.

To get the top-up fees proposals accepted by Labour MPs, Charles Clarke increased the grant for the poorest students from £1,000 to £1,500. Help also includes a deduction of £1,200 from fees, and a £300 compulsory bursary from any universities charging the £3,000 tuition fee price.

If the new Higher Education Bill passes the next few hurdles then the government will provide an annual £400m fund, which will be supplemented by additional university funds. These measures aim to counteract the fear of deterrence that provides one of the strongest arguments against top-up fees.

News

Page 4

9 February 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Drink the bar dry huge success

(Off)-licence to thrill

By Claire Woods Reporter DRINK THE BAR Dr y in December 2003 has been hailed “the busiest ever” by the Union bars manager, Keith Owen.

38,075 alcoholic drinks were purchased at a rate of 42 drinks per minute. On average students spent £1.43 every second, brought 10 drinks throughout the event and spent £14.

Spirits were sold once every five seconds and bottles 11 each minute - Reef and VK both at the rate of 70 bottles per hour.

Two and a half Red Bulls were purchased every minute and soft drinks sold at a surprising rate of three per minute.

The all-day event, starting at 11am till 2am the next morning was manned by 140 staff. The event is extremely popular with students celebrating end of term deadlines and the start of the Christmas vacations.

Keith Owen said, “This is the busiest Drink The Bar Dry ever, reflecting the overall success of the union throughout the year.”

Teacher training A NEW Swansea School of Education, which opens its doors in September will herald a new era in postgraduate teacher training in South Wales.

The school will be dedicated to producing teachers of excellence at both primary and secondary levels.

Professor David Warner from Swansea Institute said, “This is an opportunity to create a centre of excellence which promises to become the best in the UK.”

By Mark Jenkins Reporter

GROUND FLOOR OF THE UNION: Two shops currently standing vacant

Threshers coming to ground floor

By Molly Forbes Reporter A NEW THRESHERS off-licence is set to open at the Students’ Union very soon.

The shop will be located on the ground floor of the union next to Blackwells. It is hoped the shop will brighten up what is quickly becoming a deserted ground floor. Although owned by the Threshers chain, this particular shop will be a franchise store run by the Union itself. This means Cardiff students will have the opportunity to earn some extra cash as the store will create new jobs. The shop was actually meant to open in January but a hiccup in planning permission has meant students will have to wait indefinitely for the new store.

Kirsty McCaig, a second year English Literature student, said, "It’ll be handy to stock up on booze before a night out – as long as they’ve got some good student offers!"

Quotes of the Week “I can’t believe I wore a tie every day! I’m so over that”

The store promises not to disappoint in this department, as Mike Rabjohns, Financial and Commercial Services Officer at the Union insists there will be lots of great deals: “We are responding to a change in student culture.

"We’ve noticed that lots of students tend to drink at home and come out later. Hopefully this will supply the demand for that market.”

Other deals are also being thought up to entice students, such as a flexible opening hours scheme, which may mean that the shop will open earlier on a Wednesday to serve celebrating sports teams.

Although it is hoped the store will be a success, there are a few foreseeable problems. The most obvious one is possible competition to the Taf,

although Darren Davies, manager of the Threshers on Woodville Road does not see this will be a problem.

"Off-licences and pubs cater to different people. Some like to drink at home and some like to go out. I can’t really see custom at the Taf being affected."

The Union also warn that people trying to sneak drink from Threshers into the Taf will be caught by vigilant security staff. The only other issue may be the creation of yet more drunken students to annoy local residents.

But Mike Rabjohns insists that the store will be actively promoting the responsible drinking campaign that is followed by the rest of the union. The sole remaining concern is how long we will have to wait for the store.

LOCALFOCUS:

Avril Lavigne: on her choice of ‘ironic’ clothing

“You’ll see a new me, high camp, high energy and high disco. It makes Graham Norton look tame” Russell Grant: fun, fun, fun

Extra tests for law degrees

NAME AGE OCCUPATION LIVES

Sheila Cobb 62 Hypervalue Assistant Cathays

Let’s put you on the spot. Do you like students?

The majority are OK. There are a minority who are not too great but on the whole good.

What sort of problems do they cause?

Noise mainly and parking - that’s a big thing for residents.

But the ones that live near me always tell me before they have a party.

Do you get many students in HyperValue?

Yeah, it’s a big student outlet here. They

POTENTIAL LAW students will have to sit an extra exam in order to gain a place at certain universities.

The National Admissions Test for Law (LNat) will be introduced in November 2004. Students wishing to study at Birmingham, Bristol, Cambridge, Durham, East Anglia, Nottingham, Oxford or University College London will have to pass the exam before their UCAS application will be considered.

The exam will be comprised of multiple choice questions and a short essay. Similar tests were introduced for medicine and dentistry courses last year, but this is the first time a uniform scheme has been introduced for law degrees.

But several of the law schools involved in the scheme were either planning to or had already introduced selection tests.

The University of Birmingham is overseeing the introduction of LNat. Tim Kaye, Birmingham’s undergraduate law admissions dean, said, "It is increasingly difficult for the most competitive law schools to rank their applicants satisfactorily."

He added, "In GCSEs and ALevels we already have measures of existing educational achievement, which is important, but we would like to do more to identify relevant intellectual potential, which is also important."

James Loveday, a third year law student at Cardiff, commented, "I think it’s ridiculous that law students will have to sit even more exams."

A SOAPBOX FOR THE VIEWS OF CARDIFF RESIDENTS

love it!

What are your best selling products?

Toiletries and food.

Everyone is after a bargain Do you know many students then?

Yeah, not by name, but they keep me up to date with whats going on.

So you’re a living legend then?

Yeah! I know a lot of the residents, I was born here.

Do you think there is still a community in Cathays?

No, not for families any more. Its a nice place to live but

they’ve all moved out.

There’s only a few families left on my road now. Its a shame really, but that’s life I suppose.

What do you think about the government’s plans to get more people from wider backgrounds going to university?

I think it’s a brilliant idea. People from all backgrounds should have the chance to go.

Interview by Peter Bramwell

News

February 9 2004

Page 5

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Wireless internet service Story continued from front

By Alexander Chassignon and Matthew Ramsden Reporters STUDENTS LIVING in Cathays could soon be provided with wireless internet access.

Although currently in its early developments, a project is underway to install a competitive wireless internet service to the area.

This would be a pilot project in the UK, using data transmission protocols developed for the third generation of mobile phones.

Union General Manager Jason Dunlop told gair rhydd that the service would be "competitive" in price with existing non-wireless internet access providers, as the project "doesn't aim to make money out of students". Instead, Mr Dunlop said it would be part of the union's ongoing strategy to provide students with an everwider range of services.

The technical part of the service would be run by an external company. In other words, there will be no big aerial on top of the union building.

The project is currently being discussed with the university at board level.

Such wireless services are already successfully in use in many US campuses.

Trials are to be carried out in Cardiff before the summer, and if successful, the service could become available to students for the start of the next academic year.

The service could potentially be used in conjunction with personal communications devices such as mobile phones.

The proposals could also see a surge in students wanting to live closer to the union to capitalise on this new service.

gair rhydd directory

University Switchboard Union Switchboard

SUMMONED

Cardiff student called to court for council tax evasion: even though he had filled in an exemption form

By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor A CARDIFF UNIVERSITY student has been left furious after being summoned unfairly for non-payment of council tax.

Third year Law student Mark Jenkins received the notice last Saturday, the latest event in a string of complications with his council tax.

Mark told gair ryhdd, "When I got back in September there was a council tax bill waiting for me. I called the council and told them I was a student but hadn’t received my exemption certificate yet.

"They told me to pay up and they’d send me a refund, but I didn’t have £400 to shell out so they told me to send in the certificate as soon as I got it."

And despite following their instructions, Mark, 20, now faces hefty charges COURT if the court find him guilty of failing to SUMMONS supply exemption evidence.

On receiving the summons he phoned the council who maintain they never received his form in October.

Nor do they have any record of his previous correspondence with them.

02920 874000 02920 781000

UNION SABBATICAL OFFICERS (02920 781…)

Finnbarr Graham President Rami Goussous Societies & Union Secretary Mike Rabjohns inance & Commercial Services Emma Bebington Communications & Community Natasha Hettihewa Equal Opportunities & Welfare Billy Lee Academic Affairs Tristan Thomas Gair Rhydd Editor Tom Brown Athletic Union President NON SABBATICAL OFFICERS Raymond Motsie Black & Ethnic Affairs Officer João Martins International Students Officer Lee Gregory Gay & Bisexual Mens Officer Sarah Rennie Students with Disabilities Anna Gruffudd Welsh Affairs Officer Caralyn Richards Women’s Officer Nitin Garg Postgraduate Officer Karen Sharp Xpress Radio Station Manager Alex Macpherson Gair Rhydd Deputy Editor Phillip Moody Athletic Union Vice President Bethan Skelton Athletic Union Vice President Beca Murphy IMG Chair STUDENT SERVICES Position Unfilled Student Liaison Officer Keith Cronin Transport Assisiant Huw Roberts Translator John Steele Training & Development Co-Ordinator JOB SHOP Jayne Howorth Unistaff Co-Ordinator ATHLETIC UNION Nick King Sports Development Co-Ordinator Marian Coxshall AU Administrator Adrian Evans Rugby Development RECEPTION Glenys Willacott Reception (Morning) Karen Clissold Reception (Afternoon)

Cardiff County Council have vowed to try and withdraw the action but this may come a little too late for Mr Jenkins. Exemption from council tax does not allow residents to challenge legal action.

And if the Council’s intervention is unsuccessful, Mark’s case will be heard at Cardiff Magistrates’ Court next Monday, February 16.

Mark, of Richmond Road, said, "I’m really angry, as I didn’t

even get a reminder all those months ago when they didn’t receive my form. The first thing I knew about it was when I got this summons."

If he loses the case he will be forced to pay the sum of £446.57 and all legal costs.

The implications of a guilty verdict are also far reaching. Mark said, "If I

UNIVERSITY

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The University Health Centre 47 Park Place 02920 874810 GrahamF Director of Student Services GoussousR1 47 Park Place RabjohnsM 02920 874669 BebingtonE Student Advisory Services HettihewaL1 47 Park Place 02920 874844 LeeB5 Dyslexia Resource Centre ThomasT4 2nd Floor 45 Park Place BrownT3 02920 874528 Careers Service MotsieM 02920 874828 MartinsJ2 Students with Disabilities/Specific Needs GregoryL4 02920 874610 RennieS Day Care Centre GruffuddA 02920 874135 RichardsC Student Advisory Service GargN2 02920 874844 SharpK Nightline MacphersonA3 148 Colum Road MoodyP1 02920 223993 SkeltonB1 Academic Registry MurphyB2 02920 874404

424 406 432 489

CroninK RobertsH SteeleJ

958

HoworthJ1

437 439 538

KingN2 CoxshallM EvansA12

0 0

Reception Reception

FACILITIES Park Place Fitness and Racquets Centre 02920 876 06 Talybont Sports Centre 02920 874675 Llanrumney Playing Fields 02920 777377 RESOURCE CENTRES Opening hours in semester Mon to Fri 8.45am - 9.30pm Saturday 10am - 5.30pm Sundays (Arts and Social Studies, Law and Trevithick only ) 12 noon – 5pm

ANGRY: Mark Jenkins holds the offending letter lose, they can seize property up to the value of the bill, set up a County Court Judgement against me or petition for bankruptcy. I’m screwed if they don’t accept my story."

At the time of going to press Cardiff County Council were unable to comment on the case. gair rhydd will run an update on the story next week.

gair rhydd weather courtesy of the BBC

Opinion & Editorial

Page 6

February 9 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

IT’S TIME TO EMBRACE PUB POLITICS Every student at our university is a shareholder in our union. We have a right to demand changes if we are unhappy with the way it is run. Yet as a student body we are not making ourselves heard, and the union is not listening.

The AGM on Wednesday made a refreshing change.

Through an almost inconsequentially minor alteration, reversing the re-branding of Monday nights back to Fun Factory, we saw a much better model for student democracy.

During a landslide vote students at the AGM made it clear how much they care about the politics of the everyday. Students may be apathetic towards Westminster, but when

issues such as drink prices or Solus are voiced, we end up shouting from the rooftops.

Too often our student politics are incontrovertibly linked with bureaucracy.

Does it matter if a motion for Student Council hasn’t gone through Constitutions Committee? Surely the point is that a student has a concern.

The landslide Factory vote suggested that students have plenty of concerns but are simply not being asked.

It is often said that more is decided in the pub than in formal meetings. Why not utilise these arguments with questionnaires and market research? Let’s get the union we all want - it might even make some money.

Equal access

By Peter Bramwell

I

t seems pretty much the norm now to be cynical about the increasing numbers of people going to university. We’ve all heard the criticism about how a degree doesn’t make you stand out in the crowd anymore. But is this argument really justified?

Since releasing their targets of getting 50 per cent of young people into higher education, the government has been met with derision. But it’s not just about increasing numbers. What is important is widening participation.

For years, universities have been filled with the middle classes.

Throughout this time, the proportion of people from working class backgrounds has remained significantly low.

Widening participation is about enabling people from that community to break into the cycle of higher education. Whereas it’s the cultural norm for middle class parents to send their kids to uni, this door of opportunity is far from open to most people from less privileged families.

We should avoid another generation being shut off from this.

But opening up higher education is not, as popular opinion would have it, just about getting more people into traditional universities.

In fact, the introduction of two-year foundation degrees will be the main means of reaching numbers. With price more accessible, and the option to go on to a third year for an honours degree, these vocational courses are worth something. Rather than creating more of these so-called ‘Mickey Mouse’ subjects, these lead directly into employment and

Ruth Dickinson explores the buzz of the eleventh hour deadline rush

careers, such as social care and classroom assistance. They are skills specific.

Its easy to say that we need more people doing vocational training such as plumbing, rather than pushing them through degrees. But these excuses are inaccurate. In the last three years we have now trained too many plumbers, and there is a real worry that in future their salaries will be too low. The point is, we should be training people for manual vocations, but this should be focused on those who leave school at 16, not people coming out of further

“It’s easy to say

that we need more people doing vocational training such as plumbing”

education with A-levels.

All the national and international research has shown that western economies like the UK now demand workers with a high level of transferable skills. A degree offers these.

People criticise new universities for being poor compared with traditional establishments. But everything is relative: they still offer something worthwhile. And anyway, institutions should be assessed more on what students come out with, not what A-levels they are going in with.

Everyone should have the right to reach their individual potential and find out how far they can go educationally. I believe that a bettereducated society will be to everyone’s benefit.

W

hy is it that when you have to do something have to - that doing anything else seems more attractive? Everyone gets I’mgoing-to-clean-the-bathroom-toput-off-doing-this-essay syndrome but I’m fanatically idle, to the point of being irrational.

Take last week. I was going to spend a day doing an essay and get it done so that I could go out that evening. I started by employing the standard work avoidance tactics of hoovering, going to Tesco and phoning a couple of friends - fair enough, everyone does that. Two quiz shows, a DIY programme and half of Pobol Y Cwm (never mind that I am English and didn’t understand it enough to even work out the names of the characters) later, the laptop finally went on. I spent the early evening chewing my nails and staring

out of the window, leaving me feeling of stress when there’s half an depressed and alone in the house that hour to go and you’re still 500 words night, chain smoking, watching more short, but there’s a block in my brain shit TV and still not doing the bloody slowly-rotting-to-nothing which prevents me from doing essay.

I become a compulsive freecell anything about it sooner than the 11th player. I read – old essays, letters hour.

My inability to work is not borne from grandma, my address book… anything as long as it’s nothing out of any desire to be cool – related to the work. I daydream. And attitudes in the fourth year are so I stare. Not even at anything in different to school that now you’re particular most of the time. Then kind of a loser if you don’t work, not there’s the period of panic and if you do. It’s even worse when I have to use my own hysteria, always watching more initiative to do ending in the same There’s scenario – a high shit tv and still something. the small matter of speed car chase with not doing the careers for example. hastily concluded All around me other essay on the bloody essay students have been passenger seat, rushing to get to the law building accumulating work experience, before it closes and then collapsing polishing up their CVs and applying back in the car afterwards amid for placements. Me? I will get round declarations that this will never never to it, but first there are old text messages to read, Welsh In A Week is never happen again.

And I meant it, every single time I on, and there’s some chipped paint on believed next time would be my window sill which looks like it different. It’s not like I forget the would be great fun to pick off…

“

”

Be my valentin£

By Sarah Ahmad

C

hristmas and New Year are barely out of the way and some of us are still nursing our hangovers yet you can’t walk down the high street without seeing a huge ugly looking teddy bear holding a misshapen pink heart with the words “Show the one you love how much you care this Valentine’s Day” or some other such crap.

It’s the day that all single people hate, it’s the day that most blokes hate, it’s the day that card companies, chocolate companies and toy manufacturers revel in.

Yes, Valentine’s Day preys upon us once again.

Where Valentine’s Day came from I’m not entirely sure. The cynics

Kerry-Lynne Doyle’s

“I

’m blonde. I don’t know anything.” These were the immortal words of wisdom that inspired me to put this woman into Room 101. If you can’t guess who I’m talking about then let me give you a few clues. She’s constantly splashed across the tabloids, should have shares in silicone and need I mention Gareth Gates? Yes, it’s Jordan, the girl who aspires to be the human (and less attractive) version of Jessica Rabbit.

Although her drunken breastbaring has always infuriated me, recently my dislike for Miss Katie Price has turned into unabashed disgust. I’m sure her impending biography (which no doubt, she

among us would say that it’s another one of those occasions dreamed up by the commercial industry to squeeze every last penny out of us.

There is a history to Valentine’s Day but I won’t bore you with that, what I will say is that like most other special occasions Valentine’s Day no longer has any sort of association with its original values.

Although recently, it seems, we’ve begun to see through the advertising charade with more of you agreeing to spend quality time together rather than buy gifts. It’s the blokes I feel sorry for; even if your girlfriend tells you not to get her anything you know that if you don’t you won’t be getting any on the night.

Now there will be the few out there who love Valentine’s Day, the kind of losers who plan months in advance what to do on the day, the

couples that buy each other those nauseating little teddies holding chocolate hearts which taste like they’ve been eaten and spat back out again. As for the majority of us, we’re forced to spend lavish amounts of money and make public displays of affection to someone we’re ‘just seeing’.

It doesn’t stop there. Valentine’s Day usually involves some sort of romantic meal, which you blokes will end up paying for no matter how skint you are. To top it off you’ll customarily be targeted by those annoying basket ladies with that ‘we’ll follow you’ll until you buy a rose’ look on their face. No doubt Valentine’s Day will leave the lovely couple broke until the next millennium. So show your love this Valentine’s Day, don’t buy it!

ROOM 101 didn’t write) will make a sensational read; it will reveal the salacious sex secrets of all her conquests (ie any Pop Idol reject). It may even mention the fact that she was, unbelievably, named a feminist icon last year because, of course, feminism is all about being a walking sex toy and emulating a Barbie doll. However, I’m sure that the biography will be a best seller and will finally erase Gareth Gates from the music industry (we can but hope).

But her recent ‘performance’ on I’m (almost) A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! convinced me to lose any respect I had for her. When she wasn’t flirting with Peter Andre (a huge offence in itself) her main contribution was to prance around in

a bikini flaunting her cartoonesque figure; her tactics were more transparent than her ‘feelings’ for Andre. Her treatment of her son Harvey also annoys me. Apart from leaving him with her family when he was a few months old to go to the Playboy mansion, she also admitted to feeding him poppadoms before he was one year old and constantly parades him before the photographers of Britain’s trashiest magazines.

So there you have it. Jordan is a ruthless publicity seeker, a glorified sexual fantasy and a disgrace to the female sex . She is nothing more than a pair of breasts, and even they aren’t real! And if that doesn’t convince you, then there’s always the fact that she slept with Gareth Gates…

Opinion & Editorial

February 9 2004

Page 7

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Tribal Rubber Ducks?

By Perri Lewis

W

ednesday nights in the union sees the AU come out to play at Rubber Duck. This club night may seem a little daunting to fresh faced first years who don’t really know the set up. They encounter what looks like a private party, filled with little cliques of students who, quite out of character, are dressed uniformly.

This is the phenomenon known as a ‘society shirt’. Worn by members of a sports team, it empowers the wearer with all kinds of advantages over us mere students. Somehow, it is regarded perfectly acceptable for those clad in such an item to consume far more alcohol than the rest of us and behave with heightened degrees of intoxication and promiscuity.

While many may regard this as the principle appeal of donning a society shirt, this magical item of clothing serves a far more important function than simply enabling you to get more

By Muara Brickell

I

f being out of fashion has become in fashion, it is vital that the fashionista is seen in all the right, or perhaps wrong places. I’m not talking about the poncy bars with beautiful staff and napkins for your drinks.

The ideal wrong place should involve terrible lighting, sticky floors and low, low ceilings.

To find the Mecca for those out of fashion wannabes the first step is to shun the bright lights of Creation. Go on, ask yourself, do you actually like the sweat pit? Nope? Thought not. Let me introduce you to a little friend of

plastered than the less athletic.

By wearing one, a person is exhibiting membership of a particular sports team; the shirt therefore becomes an explicit visual symbol of where your sporting and social allegiances lie.

It is often debated why people are so willing to show their allegiance to a group so overtly. Could the embracing of a society shirt be explained by a person’s desire to be seen as a member of the sporting elite? Has the notion of a ‘jock’, as promoted by Hollywood teen movies, had an impact on the way British students perceive our sportspeople?

Furthermore, do the more active students feel an element of superiority over us lesser mortals on Wednesday nights, likening themselves to the celebrity sports stars worshipped by so many?

It would be naïve to believe that our own netballers, rowers and footballers don’t smirk a little as they flaunt their team at Rubber Duck.

In recognising this, it may provide some insight into why so many chose to wear clothing more suited to the sports pitch than a night out. However, there may be additional, subversive reasons why the society shirt is such a key part of student life.

By being united in what you wear, people become united as a group. A

prime example of this are fans who sport band clothing; how many times have you smiled at someone wearing the same gig t-shirt as you because you feel a strange connection with them?

The motivation to join a group can be explained in various ways.

Groups offer a sense of inclusion; by being a member, feelings of attachment and belonging are ignited, something we all may be searching for.

Many theorists regard the search for social belonging as one of the most important motivations for living: it seems an astounding concept that attending Rubber Duck in a society shirt can give your life purpose!

“heightened degrees of intoxication and promiscuity” When joining a large clan, people seem to embrace a group identity.

Instead of being an individual, they become a small part of a much larger entity which often contributes to their sense of self. They become a rugby player, a hockey player, a windsurfer.

In adopting a common signifier of the group, such as a piece of clothing, they associate themselves with the

shared characteristics of the organisation. While the simple act of wearing any society shirt portrays a person as active and dedicated, it could also be argued that choosing to sport a rowing t-shirt over a netball t-shirt communicates a lot about you.

Unfortunately, whilst the society shirt can provide people with feelings of acceptance and unity, it can also promote antagonism. Inter-group conflicts have always existed because of the tribal nature of groups, especially between those who actively portray themselves as a distinct unit.

Inevitably, it becomes ‘us’ and ‘them’.

The union is no stranger to hostility between football and rugby players and the tribal nature of the society shirt must be a significant contribution: publicly identifying their allegiance to separate sports.

In a culture where first impressions are often lasting, the society shirt is a fine example of how people overtly demonstrate their membership to a group through dress. Most notably, the shirt a person chooses to wear declares a little about who they think they are and who they want to be. The importance of the society shirt is immense and despite the implications it may have on the harmony of Wednesday nights, its value to the sports people of our university is clearly evident.

On a dark, dark street and through a dark, dark door... mine. In a dark, dark city, on a dark, dark street, opposite a dark, dark castle, through a dark, dark door and down the dark, dark stairs there was… the Barfly.

This gorgeous, dirty cellar holds the secret to many a legendary Friday night. The ceiling is low, the bar is long and the dance floor is packed.

And of course drinks are ridiculously cheap. The DJ churns out classic songs after fucking brilliant tunes. It is impossible not to skip around the variety of people with pure joy. We are two streets away from the bright lights of Creation and two worlds away from its identikit attendees.

Everyone’s here. I mean it. Everyone.

If it’s the atmosphere that makes a place, then it makes the Barfly every time. You could be standing at the bar

“classic songs after fucking brilliant tunes” with a 50-year-old punk and his 3ft tall wife and then share a drink with Bob Dylan’s twin. As the night unfolds the tiny confines of the bar means that you gradually acquire a hundred new friends, bringing a whole new meaning to the word ‘club’. Don’t just take my word for it,

an independent survey conducted by, er, me, showed that Barfly satisfied its customers 246 times more than Liquid and Creation combined.

One subject declared when interviewed, “Barfly, yeah fucking legendary, like every time…how is it so good?” The answer remains in the confines of the ancient brick work and cheap beer. One thing which is for sure is that the path to the ‘new cool’ is not held in the establishments where everyone else is. The key is going to a bar which isn’t on the student weekly schedule. Defying the laws of the super clubs will open up a whole new world. Go on, step out of line… you might like it.

Student Rant

T

Kim Lyon

here is always one, isn’t there? A fiendish lecturer who mars an otherwise enjoyable, stimulating and rewarding course. I wonder how many of you have chosen a module on the basis of the lecturer rather than content?

Further, I wonder how many accept this as a norm in their academic career?

A friend is in the unfortunate position of having a lecturer who can’t speak English. You can’t help but question the half-witted employer who didn’t foresee this posing a technical hitch. How is it acceptable? Whatever happened to communication?

I’m on a staff-student panel, as I appreciate that students have a responsibility to themselves and their departments in maintaining a channel through which to voice complaints. Yet many students aren’t made aware of SSPs. Although they can provide an ideal forum for discussing problems with a course at large, personal vendettas - events which warrant attention - cannot be discussed.

I had a nasty experience when the lecturer threatened "removing" me from the course if I didn’t undergo a personality change. This venomous attack stripped me of confidence in approaching lecturers. Worryingly, I’ve heard reports of similar attacks by the same lecturer on fellow innocent students. We are paying for tuition, not character assassination.

But what can you do? Is there such a thing as academic etiquette?

Is it about how you present your case? Yes: you read the student handbook and the official complaints procedure.

You can turn to your head of department, who may look concerned, but in the name of professionalism, power struggles, laws x, y and z, or dare I say it, complacency, sits on a precarious fence. Chances are you’re scared to complain, should the big cheese you’re slating have to write you a reference some day.

How dependable are the terms ‘anonymity’ and ‘confidentiality’?

Given the current hoo-ha over tuition fees, can universities be seen as more concerned with business than education?

‘Tis a sad day when gaining a degree here becomes a stepping stone to corporate whoredom, rather than a chance to interact with some of the finest minds in academia.

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Political Opinion

Page 8

February 9 2004

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Ambulance chasing Spin, lies and whitewashes?

By Emily Knightley

S

ome primary schools have banned conkers for fear of being sued by injured children. A doctor refuses to assist someone having a heart attack on a plane for the same reason.

Has the ‘compensation culture’ gone too far? Are TV adverts and ambulance chasers to blame? Or is any money received scant recompense for injuries?

imagine someone involved in a car accident later seeing an advert convincing him or her that it is easy enough to make some money in this manner. It is tempting in these cases to assume that it is one insurance company pursing another party’s insurance company, but this is not the case.

I cite the case of a young woman who was told by the Crown Prosecution Service at the time of her car accident, when she had run into

Where’s there’s a blame there’s a claim - and we ALL pay for it A survey has suggested that nearly three in four people in the UK are at ease with this so-called ‘compensation culture’ and that just as many would consider pursuing a personal injury compensation claim if they believed it was someone else’s fault.

More often than not individuals are far keener to pursue claims against employers than to take action against hospitals and public services.

In the case of suing hospitals and public services it is surely only worthwhile if there is a real case of wrongdoing, eg if a doctor removes the wrong kidney during an operation and the patient subsequently dies.

Those working in the public sector are under enough pressure, in particular doctors, without the added pressure of possible claims of incompetence or malpractice. There are other more productive ways to highlight the problems in our public services: by going to the press or writing to one's MP. Suing them is not such a productive solution as it deprives these services of revenue that could be used to improve them.

In compensation cases it is easy to overlook the cost to individuals.

Adverts on the TV have played a huge role in increasing the number of claims taken against both employers and individuals. It is easy enough to

an old man who stepped out into the road on his traditional, hearing-aid free, afternoon walk that she was exonerated of all blame. Months later, however the old man decided to sue: the young lady lost her no claims bonus, the cost of her insurance went up and the insurance company decided to settle out of court. When she contested this decision, pointing out that she was in no way at fault, she was told that when you sign an insurance document, you effectively hand over your legal representation to the insurance company, and you thereafter have no say in their dealings with claims.

This ‘compensation culture’ only highlights further the increasingly money-orientated attitudes of our society. How much is a chopped off finger worth? How much is a newborn baby worth? What is the price of someone’s reputation? Someone’s peace of mind? More and more often we are unable to value these things without reference to money.

Until attitudes change this society, and the dog-eat-dog culture that has been created will continue to flourish; people will be afraid to go out of their way for each other, public services will be atrociously under-funded and inefficient and image will be valued more than substance.

Join the debate Want to get involved?

Interested in politics?

Email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk or come to the gair rhydd office

By Andrew Caldicott

I

s it surprising that people today are so cynical? Surveys regularly and invariably tell us that the public don’t trust politicians or journalists. Today, apathy is the biggest winner at the polls.

Just look at the recent spat between the Government and the BBC; a YouGov poll conducted after the Hutton report was published found a majority (56 per cent) of respondants thought Hutton was a member of the Establishment and his report was a whitewash. A majority (52 per cent) said Tony Blair had acted improperly in the affair over Dr David Kelly.

These days people no longer believe all they are told by those in power. They question the motives behind the actions of those who rule. The public have let Blair get away with murder, presumably hoping that he would make a positive difference to their lives. Most believe that he has made the country worse since he inherited it from a weak and discredited Tory government, voters have become immune to his spin.

Or have they? There is a serious matter at stake here: with each day that

passes, we appear to be slipping toward the nightmare that George Orwell (whose real name was Eric Blair) warned of in his book 1984.

The essence of the story is that the British people become ever more malleable as their perception of the world and its history becomes more controlled. The past is erased or re-written.

Language is banned if it does not comply with the government’s big picture.

There is even a “thought police” to ensure nothing is spoken or even imagined unless the government believes it to be correct.

Many believe that the beginnings of such a system have been put in place by this government. A case in point is history, as taught in schools: current government approved textbooks would have us believe that Britain and the British have been the “baddies” for the last several hundred years. Little credit is given for the scientific and industrial advances. No credit is given for the role of world policeman, the expansion of free trade, the ending of the slave trade, and the gifts of democracy and civilisation to any number of benighted peoples.

It would appear that “Big Brother”

wants to prevent any feeling of pride in being British. It would seem that the culture that gave birth to modern democracy and more technological advances that the rest of the world put together is to be improved by diluting it with other, less successful ones. One could be forgiven for believing that Big Brother not only wants to see the end the notion of “Britishness”, but the very existance of Britain, aka the United Kingdom. The UK is being divided up into easily controllable Euro-regions. Scotland and Wales have already been prepared for Brussels’ consumption; how interesting that England has also now been given regional governance, but there’s a catch. Big Brother wants the UK broken up, and he’s put in place regional assemblies with appointees. When these are criticised Big Brother says, “Oh, how awful, we’ll have to let people vote for people who sit in them.”

And, suddenly, without any fuss, another Euro-region is born.

No one under 49 has had a direct say regarding the EEC or EU. Is that democracy? Not by the standards we laid down all those years ago.

So it’s OK to insult the Welsh?

By Iwan Horan

K

ilroy, that silver-haired, loudmouthed ex-MP and sun bed addict recently opened that large trap of his and caused quite a stir. Comments denigrating Muslim culture were made, and earned him a sacking from the BBC. Think back to the time when the Welsh were insulted by Anne Robinson. She remarked that they, as a nation and people, should be put into Room 101. Robinson commented, “The Welsh, what are they for?”

Any self-respecting Welsh person would be hurt by such comments; acceptance of them disenfranchises you from your right to be Welsh.

You may ask why I am bothered.

So what? Well firstly, political correctness isn’t my strong point but when it comes to openly showing a complete ignorance and subsequent hatred of any ethnic group then it must be tackled. Only opinions based on facts should be acceptable.

There have been many instances where commentators, presenters and people in the media have openly insulted the Welsh to a degree of

absolute racism. In those cases nothing was done and we were told we needed a sense of humour. Views expressed by the likes of Janet Street Porter, AA Gill, and Jeremy Clarkson, opinionated on most topics, must not be acceptable to the British media just as derogatory comments on Arabs shouldn’t be acceptable. Or are we making a mountain out of a molehill, when all it amounts to is schoolboy name-calling?

Ensuring fairness and equality on all issues regardless of race or ethnicity should provide the basis for social harmony.

Throwing your old mobile away?

Think again!

The average mobile phone is used for only eighteen months before being replaced, leaving an estimated 60 million redundant mobiles in the UK at this time. All of these are potentially hazardous to the environment if not disposed of correctly. Mobiles contain Cadmium and Lead – listed by the US environmental protection agency as the two most hazardous elements to human health and wildlife – along with many other toxins, such as Arsenic and Mercury. These chemicals are released into the air and water table when burned in incinerators or disposed of in landfill sites.

By donating your old phone it can either be recycled or, if possible reused in the developing countries. Each phone received raises £3.50 for overseas development programmes, enough to vaccinate 21 children in India against life threatening diseases.

Simply drop it into the deposit box in the mobile phone shop, on the first floor of the Student’s Union.

Or alternatively, pick up a pre-paid, pre-addressed envelope from branches of Tesco’s, Argos, Comet, The Body Shop or TK Maxx.

Letters

February 9 2004

Page 9

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page Hello hello lovely readers, Glad to say James Anthony has been approached by people all week saying to him “You’re not dead then” with undertones in varying degrees of delight and disgust. So once more, no, he is not dead.

As for that other rumour circulating about him (you all know the one), I am using this privileged position to state once and for all it is not true, definitely not true. That Baby Jesus butt plug (www.divine-interventions.com) wasn’t his, he was looking after it for a friend.

Right, now that’s sorted, a small note about letters. Well done you eager beavers who were compelled to put finger to keyboard and email me with such a delightful array of letters. Thanks, keep them coming!

And on a related note, if you do happen to write, it would be much appreciated if you would either attach them as a Word document, in Times New Roman, size 10, spellchecked please, and follow the format “Dear [italicised] gair rhydd”, or alternatively just pop up to the office and type it directly onto the page, it’s quite easy, someone will tell you how. Thanks.

Well, that’s enough from me, Janine Jones

The insane ramblings of a generally opinionated chap Dear gair rhydd, I write to respond to last week's letter from Nicola Tanner and her examination of the advertising campaign the Taf used during the exam period. Was promoting its twofor-one offer by 'adjusting' an anti drink-driving poster idiotic? They used a poster saying "DRINK" with the subscript "What does it take to stop you thinking?" instead of the bona-fide "STOP - what does it take to stop you drinking?" - what will they think of next? I don't know, but I wait to see what the Varsity's next marketing campaign is because that should give us some idea; to see lots more posters of this ilk take a trip down to The Varsity. It's by Creation, that place everyone goes to on a Monday night, because (not so fun anymore) Factory is too expensive - I digress.

Was this poster just a lazy attempt to plagiarise someone else’s advertising campaign? Maybe it was, but perhaps it's not so irresponsible.

Will reminding a punter that excessive imbibation (sic) can lead to the termination of cognitive functioning serve to make him run to his car whilst swigging from a flagon of absinthe? I think not. We know upon entering a bar that drinking isn't conducive to safe onward passage in one's own motor vehicle. The poster has nothing to do with drink driving and everything to do with exam weary boozehounds wanting to forget their last exam by the consumption of the Taf's finest ales. Being a hotshot lawyer Miss Tanner, maybe you could go after the guys who wrote these ohso-bad adverts, but I doubt it. The posters feature a disclaimer at the bottom stating that the establishment doesn't endorse drinking and driving (obviously). Just what the world

needs, another disclaimer and for this I am pointing the finger at the lawyers.

Disclaimers everywhere, it does my suede in, eg “Caution: contents may be hot” - I should hope it is, it’s a ruddy coffee! Disclaimers are needed for everything because of the surplus of graduate law students needing to find work at the likes of the 'Accident Helpdesk' and “Are you a malco-ordinated twat ? Give us a call and we'll sue your mom for drinking too much Special Brew while she was pregnant.” I ask you, does anyone else share my distress in not being able to walk from one end of Queen Street to the other without being stopped and asked if you've recently had an accident? I suggest a mass cull of these people, so insistent are they on impeding our movement along the aforesaid thoroughfare. If I organise a petition to Cardiff County Council to request appropriate action, can I count on all your signatures?

Peter Robinson, fourth yr Engin Um, yeeees, I am sure you are right on all counts, Peter. Consider yourselves told Tanner, all lawyers and Accident Direct salespeople.

Viva Cardiff!

Dear gair rhydd, I kindly ask you not to view the following rant as a minute or two of bitching, and picture a calm, smiling face as I say a quick word or two in reply of the ‘wake up call for all the Freshers’ by ‘Journo’ Steve.

Wow, my dear Steve. Firstly may I just exclaim my excitement over reading such a (cough loadofbollocks cough) precise account of where every single first year (that’s right, every single one of us) is apparently “flocking” each night of the week. In addition to this astounding power of yours, you proceed to tell us that “night-in night” (supposedly Thursdays) is “not fucking acceptable”, that a load of venues are basically shit, and that we therefore must be in need of your suggestions.

Okay, so being a “born‘n’bred Cardiff boy”, you’ve had the chance

Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff.

They are available for collection from the gair rhydd offices, on the top floor of the union building. means an excuse for her rude words, but I’m afraid Lucy, Pete, Al and Rhi, not everyone out there is as compassionate and ready to help as yourselves.

The Exec speak out Dear gair rhydd, After reading the letter "Able bodied people have feelings too" (Dec 1) as a wheelchair user, I feel desperately compelled to respond.

Yes, demanding that the ablebodied people "get out" of the lift was unforgivably rude.

Unfortunately, from my experito experience a fair amount of the nightlife. Is it therefore impossible for your puny little brain to consider that the English students (the ‘foreigners’) have not had this chance yet, have recently arrived and are experimenting with a little trial and error? It’s incredibly thoughtful of your review to reveal that we “may never have known this but it was Liquid that was the better venue on a Monday, but (we’ve) lost that now”. No, Steve, you had never known that, until you probably started going there and realised it wasn’t for you. And sorry to say it, but we haven’t “lost that now” because – in your own words – we have three years to try all this. How about considering the idea that everybody has their own preference of what they like and where they wish to “flock”? Just because you have your knickers in a twist over Creation, the “mist of BO” that is Metros and “idiot-run” Solus – all of which I presume you have attended – it doesn’t mean we have to hear it.

So Steve, while you’re mumbling “I could say the same to you” and probably resting from your own recommended clubs on a quiet Thursday night in, I leave you with a little recommendation of my own. Next time you shout at us to “GO AND BLOODY EXPLORE THE CARDIFF NIGHT SCENE”, consider that you should perhaps try exploring somewhere other than the place you’ve spent your whole life. Try Brighton. That’s where I was born and bred, and is probably why I disagree that to some of us ‘foreigners’, “Cardiff must seem like a cross between Vegas and Ibiza.” Er, no.

Yours, Charissa Coulthard (a fellow naïve fresher) Anyone who feels like writing about something other than beer or nights out is welcome to. I wasn’t sure if you were aware of that.

ence there are a minority of disabled people who tend to sometimes feel that the world ‘owes’ them. Myself and other wheelchair users I know are always grateful for help and make a point of saying “thank you”. But perhaps this ‘disabled lift lady’ (???) had had the most shitty morning where she’d had doors slammed in her face, been sat at a pavement for 10 minutes before a passer-by asked if she needed help, had cigarette ash allowed to fall on her lap – and was therefore thoroughly fed up and frustrated. This is by no

Yours, Sarah Rennie SWD Officer It is gratifying to discover that the exec do actually read the paper and the student population should be glad to hear that their representatives are doing their job.

It seems this week’s hot topic is sweeping generalisations, so perhaps you could refrain from using those in future. Honestly, you letter writers are all the same.

Text 07791 165 837

Apparently this text-messaging thing is quite popular amongst you young folk. Here is a selection of the ones I didn’t accidentally delete this week because apparently I’m too old for all this modern technology.

havoc here. havoc there. havoc every-fcuk-where! has anybody seen havoc? the pirates of colum rd b out 2 get ya. har har har. aarr. BENDLE IS BACK!!

Why do you insist on calling the section on page 4 ‘Quotes of the Week’? The correct word is ‘quotations’. ‘Quote’ is a verb, as in ‘to quote’, not a noun. Duh! Whatguan ... bumeyes Gandalf is lucky. I want to shag Frodo.

News flash: superstar beako signs for celtic! Revolver are the next oasis! Anyone who witnessed the gig at tal y bont, should be very happy. Rock and roll will never die! Never forget the beatles!

Bravo Andrew Caldicott!

Finally someone whos not part of the liberal left PC brigade in the gair rhydd. Congratulations on bringing some realism to the paper. CM JSt wanted to say that i realy enjoyed watching tom walsh and everyone else in road last week, hadn’t expected a student play to be so good! whose granny died and left their collection of glasses to the taf? i pay enough money 4 a doule vodka and coke 2 deserve something decent 2 drink it from When Tudor Davies goes to Vegas, his favourite bar is of the T-Bar variety.

I’m quite liking this text discussion we have going. Keep up the good work. What could the next installment possibly be? Who will be next to pass comment on the topical issue of Frodo and Gandalf’s sexuality. Genius.

Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Taf-Od

Tad 10

Chwefror 9 2004

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Abri-Cadabra

COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (X)

Hud a Lledrith y Brawd Houdini!

Meic Stevens / Acoustique / Supernauts Clwb y Twcan 29/1/04

Gan Owain Roberts Ers i noson fisol flaenllaw Cymdeithas yr Iaith, Abri, gael ei lawnsio fis Awst y llynedd, gwir yw dweud ei bod wedi mynd o nerth i nerth.

Gan gyflwyno nifer o fandiau amrywiol diddorol, yn newydd ac yn hen ffefrynnau, gan dorri ffiniau ieithyddol a hefyd gan ddenu trawsdoriad eang o Gymry Cymraeg a diGymraeg y brifddinas, mae Abri wedi llwyddo i sefydlu platfform newydd, ffres a phoblogaidd ar gyfer talent y genedl.

Camp, mae rhaid deud, sy’n haeddu clod sylweddol. Heno, does dim awgrym fod pethau am fod yn wahanol.

Caiff y Supernauts y ffawd heno i chwarae gyntaf i dorf weddol sobor a pharchus. Yn chwarae eu cyngerdd gyntaf tu allan i Gaerfyrddin, nid yw’r band yn dangos unrhyw arwyddion o nerfau nac ofn o awyrgylch y brifddinas fawr ddrwg.

Yn wir, cawn berfformiad grymus a phroffesiynol gan y pedwar o’r gorllewin. Chwaraeir caneuon acwstig o’r ddwy iaith, wrth i’r prif leisydd ein harwain trwy set dri chwarter awr o ganeuon roc ysgafn am ferched, cariad a manteision alcohol.

Dim y gerddoriaeth fwyaf cyffrous nac unigryw yn y byd hwyrach – mae’r arddull wedi cael ei wneud o’r blaen gan bawb o Elliot Smith i’r Stereophonics, ond derbynnir y perfformiad heno yn wresog gan dorf frwdfrydig. Roedd golwg hunanfoddhaol ar wynebau rhai o’r gynulleidfa a hynny gyda chyfiawnhad wrth i’r hwyr-ddyfodwyr ymddangos.

Erbyn i driawd Acousitque gyrraedd y llwyfan mae’r bownsars yn y Twcan yn gweithredu polisi ‘one-in-one-out’, a’r dorf y tu mewn wedi chwyddo mewn nifer ac mewn

swn.

Dim y lleoliad perffaith felly ar gyfer band sy'n chwarae cymysgedd diddorol er anffasiynol o gerddoriaeth dawel jazz, samba a ‘blues’.

Wedi dweud hyn, cawn berfformiad unigryw, angerddol a lliwgar.

Saif Lleuwen Steffan, y brif leiswraig, yn garismataidd ac yn hyderus ar y llwyfan yn ei theits pinc. Gyda dim ond piano a bas dwbl yn gyfeiliant, llwydda Ms Steffan i ganu uwchben y mân siarad a’r sgyrsiau meddwol gyda’i llais anhygoel.

Dim ond ar adegau prin iawn y mae’n bosib cymharu cantores Gymraeg â mawrion megis Bessie Smith neu Sarah Vauaghan.

Yn anochel, nid oedd y gerddoriaeth at ddant pawb (‘mediocre bollocks’ oedd un o’r disgrifiadau mwyaf lliwgar i gael ei rannu), ond braf ydi hi i gael band Cymraeg sy’n canu mewn arddull unigryw gyda steil, carisma a chyffro.

Yn ystod y 60au, datganodd neb llai na Bob Dylan mai Meic Stevens oedd un o’r talentau creadigol mwyaf llewyrchus a thalentog iddo erioed gyfarfod. Er iddo beidio â chyflawni llwyddiant rhyngwladol Mr Dylan, heno mae pawb yn ddigon bodlon i’w gadw fel ein cyfrinach fach ni, ac am gyfrinach ydyw.

Wedi’i frechdannu ar y llwyfan gan y ffidilydd anhygoel Billy Thompson ac Emmylou Harris Cymru, Heather Jones, mae’n anodd credu nad yw Meic Stevens yn chwarae i dorfeydd o filoedd ar draws y byd.

Gan ddechrau gyda ‘Rue St. Michel’ a ‘Dic Pendeyrn’ i floeddiadau cynhyrfus y dorf, chwarae Meic set o’i ganeuon mwyaf poblogaidd.

Yn gymharol sobor, mae Meic yn athrylith ar y gitâr ac yn berffeithydd heb ei ail.

Cawn fersiwn butrach, mwy daearol o’r ‘Brawd Houdini’ ynghyd â’r geiriau Saesneg gwreiddiol, ac anodd oedd peidio ymuno â ‘la la la’s’ gomiwnol y gytgan erbyn y diwedd. Er hyn, o ganol y set y daw

Meic Stevens - Ysbryd Solfach yng Nghaerdydd adegau mwyaf disglair y noson.

Mae caneuon megis ‘Ysbryd Solfach’, ‘Cân Walter’ a ‘Tryweryn’ ymysg rhai o’r caneuon gore i gael eu hysgrifennu mewn unrhyw iaith. Mae yma ganeuon o fath brydferthwch a all anfon dyn i ddagrau.

Am eiliad, roedd hyd yn oed y meddwon yng nghefn yr ystafell yn ddistaw. Er i’r set ddatblygu mewn i anhrefn erbyn diwedd y noson gyda hyd yn oed Heather Jones i’w gweld

Anfonwch unrhyw sylwadau, llythyrau neu gyfraniadau i’r cyfeiriad e-bost newydd:

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Y Byd yn Grwn Gan Geraint Rowlands Mae Ben Thatcher, un o amddiffynwyr Caerlyr, wedi cael caniatâd gan FIFA i chwarae dros Cymru yn erbyn yr Alban yng Nghaerdydd ar y 18 fed o Chwefror.

Mae hyn yn bosib drwy reol newydd sy’n caniatáu chwaraewyr i chwarae dros un wlad o fewn y strwythur U21 (mae Thatcher yn gyn-gapten ar dim U21 Lloegr), cyn dewis chwarae dros wlad arall ar lefel rhyngwladol llawn.

Mae’n debyg y bydd Thatcher yn cychwyn yn erbyn yr Alban gan fod pwyslais y gêm ar greu tîm i’r dyfodol.

Wolverhampton yw cartref newydd prif golwr Cymru - Paul Jones. Fe gychwynodd ei yrfa o ddifri gyda’r clwb yn 1991, ac nawr mae dewis cyntaf Cymru am frwydro i feddian-

nu’r crys rhif un ym Molineux unwaith eto. Cafodd Jones gêm gyntaf wych i Wolves, gan rwystro Portsmouth mewn gêm ddi-sgôr.

Llwyddodd Nottingham Fforest i fynd adre gyda phwynt o Barc Ninian ar ddiwrnod olaf mis Ionawr. Nid oedd Caerdydd yn edrych fel sicrhau’r fuddugoliaeth yr oedd arnynt ei hangen er mwyn agosau at safleoedd y gemau ail-gyfle. Creu cyfleon gwael oedd ar fai, gyda Chaerdydd yn methu chwalu amddiffyn Forest.

Nid oedd gêm gan Abertawe dros benwythnos ola mis Ionawr gan fod eira a rhew wedi gorfodi Mansfield i ohirio’r gêm.

Mae Wrecsam mewn brwydr i gadw gafael ar Hector Sam a Carlos Edwards. Mae Rheolwr Rotherham, Ronnie Moore, wedi dangos diddordeb cryf yn y ddau chwaraewr.

yn ansicr o be oedd yn mynd ymlaen, ynghyd â phroblemau tiwnio Meic Stevens ei hun.

Ond doedd neb i’w gweld yn meindio. Wrth i’r anthem genedlaethol ddiflannu o dan sgrechiadau a chymeradwyaeth wyllt y gynulleidfa, gwir yw dweud ein bod wedi cael ein sbwylio’n racs gan noson o’r radd flaenaf.

Tan y tro nesa. Dwi’n cyfri’r diwrnodau’n barod. Mae Abri’n cwl. Ffaith.

Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started!

Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg!

Most obviously, I prefer revolving doors as opposed to the more conventional variety Yn hollol amlwg, y mae yn well gennyf ddrysau sy’n troi yn hytrach na’r mathau mwy arferol My favourite vegetable in the world is cabbage, sprinkled with a touch of mustard Fy hoff lysieuyn yn y byd ydyw bresych, wedi’i daenu gydag ychydig o fwstard

Ben Thatcher - Cymro??

Mae Sam ac Edwards wedi chwarae rhan allweddol ym mherfformiadau Wrecsam yn ddiweddar. Gyda Wrecsam yn edrych yn debyg o gyrraedd y gemau ail-gyfle, nid yw diddordeb Rotherham yn beth da i ddyfodol y clwb ar y cae. Ond gydag amheuon ynghylch y sefyllfa ariannol oddi ar y cae, mae’n debyg y bydd pwysau trwm ar y clwb i werthu.

My Lord! Wasn’t that a squirrel?

Ot just a big rat?

O’r Duwdod! Onid wiwer ydoedd honna? Ynteu llygoden fawr fawr?

I believe in a thing called love just listen to the rhythm of my heart!

Rwy’n credu yn yr hyn a elwir yn gariad - gwranda ar guriad fy nghalon!

Wel, dyma fi yn ôl, a’r dolig wedi dod ac wedi mynd a blwyddyn arall wedi cyrraedd i’w ganlyn.

Nid fod y Cofi Alltud yn arbennig o falch o weld hynny’n digwydd, chwaith – y dolig ydi adag gora’r flwyddyn siwr iawn, yn enwedig os ydi hwnnw’n cael ei dreulio mewn lle mor nefolaidd a sanctaidd fel Caernarfon.

A sanctaidd, yn wir, oedd cyrraedd adra i gael mynd o dy potas i dy potas o amgylch yr hen dre unwaith eto, yn hel fy mol ymsyg yfwyr eraill a finna yn Gofi normal yn hytrach nag un alltud am sbel.

Doeddwn i heb gael y profiad yma ers dipyn go lew ac wedi anghofio’n lân sut beth oedd mwynhau peint heb glebran meddwon Caerdydd yn fy nghlustiau.

‘Ffwcin hel, cont,’ medda rhyw hen hen ddyn wrth fy ochr i yn y Blac Boy un pnawn. ‘Ma’r bastards yna yn y gornal yn cadw swn.’

Mi wnaeth yr iaith i mi deimlo’n gysurus ar unwaith ac mi wyddwn i bryd honno fy mod i wedi dod adra.

Nid fod bod adra yn fêl i gyd, chwaith. Mynd i Fangor ddaru mi un diwrnod i wneud negas munud ola i mam, a phenderfynu mynd am un bach sydyn gan ei bod hi’n ddolig wedi’r cyfan.

I mewn â fi i’r dafarn agosa ac ista wrth y bar efo mheint yn trio peidio syllu’n rhy angharedig ar y ddynas chwil yn y gornal oedd wedi colli ei dannadd gosod i mewn i’w gin.

Mae’n rhaid bod yna olwg unig iawn arna i achos y munud nesa mi oedd y goloman wedi glanio ar fy nglin i ac yn sbio’n serchus i fy ngwynab.

Wyddwn i ddim os oedd hi’n ymwybodol fod ei dannadd gosod hi yn dal i nofio yn y gwydyr gin, felly dyma wneud hynny’n hysbys yn y ffordd fwya siriol y gellir gwneud gorchwyl o’r fath.

‘Em, dwi’n meddwl eich bod chi wedi colli’ch dannadd gosod, misus’ medda fi, a thynnu rhywbeth a oedd gyda lwc yn ymdebygu i wên.

‘O del,’ medda hi, a rhoi’r dannadd yn ôl a phlannu clamp o gusan ddrewllyd ar fy moch, ‘yn dwyt ti’n gariad!’

Erbyn hyn mi oeddwn i bron â gwneud llond fy nhrowsus ac wedi dychryn fel peth gwirion. Doedd y cwd tu ôl i’r bar ddim yn helpu petha chwaith, fynta i’w weld yn mwynhau’r sioe yn arw.

‘Rwan, siwgwr candi,’ medda’r hen ddynas, a’i llaw hi’n ymlwybro’n beryglus o agos i fyny fy nghoes. ‘Tyrd ditha â sws bach neis i finna rwan, a hitha’n dolig.’

Y munud hwnnw y daru ei dannadd gosod hi syrthio allan eto, a glanio yn fy mheint i efo sblash.

‘Duw â’m gwaredo!’ medda fi, a neidio ar fy nhraed nes fod yr hen ddynas yn syrthio’n bendramwnwgwl i’r llawr a’r gwydr gin yn torri’n deilchion. ‘Dwi’n gadael!’

A’i heglu hi o’na ddaru mi hefyd, yn gynt na’r gwynt, efo fy nghalon yn llamu o bwll fy stumog i lwybr fy llwnc a fy nghorff i fel jeli blymonj.

Ta waeth, dod drwyddi fu fy hanes i yn y pendraw, diolch i drugaredd a rhywfaint o ffawd. Serch hynny, mae cofio’r digwyddiad yn dod â’r holl brofiad yn ôl – dwi’n mynd am beint i setlo lawr. Wela i chi wythnos nesa!

Health

February 9 2004

Page 11

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Five people die of HIV every minute Are we heading for a sexual epidemic? gair rhydd investigates

by Shaun Loven Five people die of the HIV infection every minute of every day. Statistics indicate that

casual sex is a phenomenon of today’s society, adding to the prospect of a sexual disease epidemic.

The report by the United Nations Family Planning

Association on the State of the World Population 2003, indicates that nearly half of the world’s population are under the age of 25 with shifting family structures, but a common thread

WE BASE OUR HEALTH AND LIFE ON WHAT WE THINK WE KNOW. Put your pen where your life is and take the challenge, and win £50!

1. Can chlamydia be treated?

2. Is there a life long cure for genital herpes?

3. On average how long does it take for HIV to progress to Aids if untreated?

4. Does the risk of cervical cancer in women increase with the number of sexual partners?

5. Do condoms offer full protection against genital warts?

6. Can a sore on the genitals be a sign of syphilis?

7. How many people have been diagnosed as HIV positive in the UK up until 2003?

8. Which three countries in the world are reported to have the highest incidence of HIV? 9. Can drug resistance for HIV treatment develop?

10. Is it illegal for HIV positive people in the UK not to inform any sexual partner of their HIV status?

11. In the UK is the greatest rise in reported HIV cases amongst the heterosexual or homosexual population?

12. Can untreated chlamydia result in infertility?

13. Is there a vaccination to protect against hepatitis B? 14. Can gonorrhoea be treated with antibiotics?

The closing date for the competition is February 20, and results will be printed in the March 6 issue.

Competition answers should be sent to the Health Centre at 47 Park Place, or emailed to health@cardiff.ac.uk 1 prize of £50 5 runner-up prizes of £10

through all their lives is hope for a better future.

It is reported that 13 million children world-wide under the age of 15 have lost one or both parents to Aids.

In the UK alone 50,000 people are known to be HIV positive, with possibly 11,000 more cases undiagnosed. London is the worst affected area in Britain, with Wales and Ireland amongst the lowest affected, but even here reported cases of all sexually transmitted infections are rising dramatically.

Most infections of HIV are contracted abroad in places that have the highest incidence of HIV in the world, such as Africa, Asia and the Caribbean.

The scale of the Aids crisis now outstrips the worst case scenarios of a decade ago.

It is estimated that 5 million people globally became infected with HIV in 2002 alone. More than 20 million people have died of Aids since 1981.

The proportion of HIV suffer-

ers has altered since reporting began :- 57% of newly diagnosed cases in 2002 in the UK are now amongst heterosexuals.

People infected with any sexually transmitted infection do not normally show signs of illness, so knowing about STIs and how to avoid them is the key to staying well.

HIV is spread by an infected person by practising unprotected sex in all its forms, including oral sex, and also in sex between women. Injecting drug users, transmission from mother to child and blood and tissue products also carry a risk, as do sex toys. It is not clear how long the HIV virus can survive outside the body, but one study indicated that the virus could live for up to four hours.

Syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia, anogenital herpes and anogenital warts are all reported to be increasing annually placing a strain on resources.

The only way to avoid these infections is to refrain from sexu-

al contact with an infected person. Even using a condom does not give full protection against genital warts.

The startling reality is that HIV is a life sentence for, as yet, there is no reprieve. Addressing the problem of HIV is probably the biggest challenge facing mankind today.

Make the right choice. To be sexually careful, remember the ABC code of sex.

A Abstinence if possible B Be faithful to one partner C Condom use always.

Protect yourself against the devastation of contracting an STI; consider the slogan of the Staying Alive Campaign. The condom is the weapon of mass protection.

YOU CAN GET CONDOMS FROM THE HEALTH CENTRE DURING FEBRUARY AND MARCH.

Listings

Page 12

February 9 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday09/02

Pinstripe Mafia @ The Factory 9pm-2am Free before 11 £2 after Saucy Monkey @ Creation Student Classics £3/2 Student night @ Evolution £3 (NUS) Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play from 8pm £1.50 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Mondays @ Exit Club Cheap and Cheerful chart night 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3 DJ Mix selector @ Sam’s Bar Live turntable action £3 Salsa night @ Bar Med Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The slug and Lettuce From 7pm Film Society @ UGC Meet in the UGC Bar at 8pm for the film at 9pm.

Live @ Barfly The 9ine + Nikolai + Axlanbay Doors: 8pm Alt. Cardiff @ Chapter Arts Centre Chip Taylor and Carrie Rodriguez make an odd couple. There's an age gap of almost forty years between the legendary veteran songwriter and the young Texan fiddler, yet their singing and playing together reveal a remarkable chemistry that has been attracting great attention on the alt. country scene. 7:30 £8 Coordinated @ Amber Lounge Brand new night of House, Breaks, Funk, Soul and Disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter.

CHEAP DRINKS ALERT 7pm-11pm, entry £1 (NUS) Working Street.

Tuesday10/02

Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors: 8pm Show 9pm £3.50 (NUS) Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal Doors: 9pm £2.50 (NUS) Rebel Rebel @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk. Free entry Chill out @ The Philharmonic Free Cheese nation @ Jumpin Jaks Student night 8pm-2am Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P £1 bottles and shots No dress code 9pm-3am Free before 11, £1.50 after Mayhem @ Barfly Mayhem blends rock, indie, classic rock, old-school, metal, punk and ska. It’s the best of alternative.

11pm-2am £3, £2 NUS, £1 members of indiesoc, oddsoc, LMS. Live @ Barfly Hot Puppies + Halflight Doors : 8pm £4 2004 IEE Faraday Lecture @ St David’s Hall Sound FX - Making Music with Technology. This one-hour lecture explores the use of technology in music making, both live and recorded.

Free Admission - pre-book places online at www.faraday.org.uk or by calling 01438 767 10:30am, 2:00pm, 7:00pm Concert @ University Music Department Mujician. OK, OK, I lied when I said this was on last week. Its tonight and it will be amazing so go! Doors: 7pm, Concert: 7:30pm £3 (NUS) Soundbite@ Journeys Chillout electronic mish-mash with Nu Radikal

Wednesday11/02

Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU Prizes for the best dressed. 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…?

12noon-2:30pm Free All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, func, disco Popscene: Indie Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!! 9:30pm £2.50 (NUS) Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am £2 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Wednesdays @ Club X Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3.00 Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Seventies Style Cheapskates @ Metros Go on, get yourself a musical education!

Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code 9pm-2am 2 for 1 cocktails @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pmPurple Bus Pass @ journeys This week DJs Bethan Elfyn and Bravecaptain turn up and play whatever they want. It's a shambles.

8pm - late £3 Express @ Barfly Hip-Hop and break beat with resident DJ, DJ Jaffa, voted the best hip-hop DJ in Wales. 11pm-2am, entry £2.

Wednesdays @ Moloko A night of Raunchy electro, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem.

Featuring monthly rotated local DJs Jethro Tull in Concert @ St David’s Hall What more could you want?!

7:30pm ridiculously expensive Live @ Barfly Martini Henry Rifles + Kentucky AFC Doors: 8pm

Thursday12/02

Usual Suspects @ Creation Chart, dance, indie, old school Uprising @ Clwb Ifor BachReggae, Dub, Ska. Doors: 10pm £3 (NUS) Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, DnB, breaks 9pm-2am Free before 11, £1 after Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and RnB, 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Red Dragon Radio @ Jumpin Jaks High School Hits Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am Tony Law, Sean Percival, Paul Thorne, Roger D @ The Glee Club £10.95 incl. food and comedy or £5.50 for entrance only.

A Step In The Left Direction @ Journeys £2 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Sherbert Antlers, Cymbient, Cate Timothy 8:00pm £5 Rocknite @ Barfly A new classic rock night every Thursday featuring music from Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, The Darkness, Iron Maiden, Sabbath, Kiss, Aerosmith etc. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS), £3 without.

Live @ Barfly Noise Candy+ Orangutan Doors: 8pm Cardiff Philharmonic Orchestra @ St David’s Hall Ten Years of A NIGHT AT THE MOVIES The Cardiff Philharmonic Orchestra looks back over ten years of annual concerts celebrating the best of movie music. This year the highlights include themes from Gone With The Wind, James Bond, Star Wars, Lawrence of Arabia, Psycho, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone and much more.

7:30pm From £5.

Listings

February 9 2004

Page 13

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy

Friday13/02

Saturday14/02

Sunday02/11

SUMO @ Clwb Ifor Bach Presenting DJ HYPER (Kilowatt records/ Bedrock Breaks/ Y3K) Beats, bleeps and bass from West One & Chico Fresco.

Room 2: Nu jazz and broken beats from Harmonics. 10pm - 3am. £5 adv.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach (downstairs) Guest DJs every week, Psych, pop, freakbeat, garagerock, punk, RnB and beyond. Doors: 10pm £3 Fridays @ Exit Club Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am. £1.50/3.00 Dueling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Live for the weekend Chaos @ Metros The only alternative.

Tunes to make you think/dance/drink.

9pm-3am The Friday Social @ Journeys A night of cool alternative sounds £3 Live @ Barfly Twig + Johnny Narcissist + 5 Miles Out. Doors: 8pm Mad4It @ Barfly The best of indie classics, baggy beats and party tunes from The Coral to Stone Roses, The Beatles to Blondie, The Jam to the White Stripes.

With resident DJ Mike TV. 11pm-2am, £3 entry.

Full Fat @ Moloko Full flavored party, Funk, Hip-hop, Breakbeats, Motown, Retro Disco and Electro-Boogie. Drinks Promos all night, Free entry B4 11pm. 8pm-2am.

Fri 13 Feb Rhosys Cochion - Shinani’n Siarad @ Chapter Arts Centre Can you guess, can you guess!!!

That’s it, it’s the Vagina Monologues… IN WELSH. Tonight, tomorrow and Sunday at 8pm. From £5 Seventies night @ St David’s Hall Well its Friday the 13th, something bad had to happen. 7:30pm, from £9.50

Come Play @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Glamorous @ Creation £5 (NUS) All Inclusive @ Liquid Pay on the door and pay no more! Dress code: Smart (no ripped jeans or trainers) Cheesy chart, RnB, commercial Dance £10(NUS) The Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) Phil Hartnoll, Johnny Mac and Neil Hinchley. 10.00pm £10 Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Music, comedy and meaningless banter Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky Indie and Baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro 9pm-3am RnB @ Bar Ice Free entry Party Night @ Bar Med Resident DJs 9pm-2am Funk Dulux @ The Lounge Funky US house and garage, Free entry Tacsi @ Journeys DJs Bethan Elfyn, Louis Pattison, Y Peski Kids 8pm - 1am £2 Live @ Barfly Sal + Aeronaut + Adzuki Doors:8pm, £4adv Superfly @ Barfly Every Saturday night resident DJ Fetachini spins funky soul and classic disco. All the classic hits and dancing shoes required for a great night out. 11pm-2am, £3.

Opera @ The New Theatre Eugene Onegin by Tchaikovsky.

New production sung in Russian with English subtitles. 7:15pm Student standby tickets on the night.

Acoustic Speakeasy @ The Toucan Chilled jam sessions, open mic from 8pm. Tapas available.Till Midnight

Where?

Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box Office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place,02920 878889.

The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History&Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street,Cardiff Bay,02920 256757 CBAT Gallery 123 Bute Street, 029 2048 8772 National Museum and Gallery Cathys Park, 02920 397951.

Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 12920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999

Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays) Clubs Stylus Golate (Off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jack’s Millenium Plaza

Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millenium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut&Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary Bar Med The Friary Henry’s Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP

St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans, Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (Gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Cliffton Street Glee Club Mermaid Quay 0870 241 5093

Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7:30. £3 a team Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris £3 Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3 Acoustic Bite @ Journeys Atmospheric acoustic. 11am-midnight DJ Joe Gulis @ Walkabout New Acoustic Fruit @ Journeys The best in home grown, national and international acoustic based songwriting talent. Plus open and support slots.

Taboo @ Moloko World Music. Free entry. Open till 12 Live @ Barfly Jairus + Shaped By Fate + Dignity Doors: 8pm, £5 Platinum @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7:30pm

British Animation Awards – Public Choice The British Animation Awards celebrate the achievements of the one consistently successful – and all too often unsung – sector of the British film industry, from shorts (including student work) to animated commercials, from traditional drawn and model animation to experimental work and the creative use of new technologies.

In addition to categories judged by animation specialists, there is also an opportunity for audiences nation-wide to decide the winners. ‘Public Choice’ enables you, the audience, to vote in a number of categories – Favourite Film, Best Commercial and Favourite Music Video, via voting forms issued at each screening.

Each programme contains a range of material across the three categories and offers an opportunity to see the fantastic range of animation films made over the past two years – on the big screen.

BUY TWO GET ONE FREE Book for all three screenings and get the third one free.

Chapter Cinema 2 Fri- Sun 6:30

CinemaWeek

Chapter Arts Centre Elephant Winner of the Palme d’Or and Best Director prizes at the 2003 Cannes Film Festival, Gus Van Sant’s Elephant is set in an American high school, where the students pursue their normal routine of class work, football, gossip and socializing. In other words, just an ordinary high school day.

Except that it’s not.

Chapter Cinema 1 Mon- Thurs: 6:15 and 8:30 Wed: 2:30 Fri and Sat: 8:40 Sun: 8:00 Love Actually Ahhh, just in time for Valentines Day. Chapter Cinema 1 Fri and sat: 6:15 Le Doulos (Doulos the Finger Man) Set in an intriguing Franco-American hybrid city, Le Doulos is a study in loyalty, betrayal and ambiguity (a ‘doulos’ is both a hat and an informer). The film boasts one of the most daring narrative twists in the history of cinema, superb noir photography by Nicolas Hayer, and a jazz score by Paul Misraki and Jacques Loussier.

Chapter Cinema 1 Sun: 5:00pm My Life Without Me Ann is a hard-working mother with two young daughters, a largely unemployed husbands, a mother with a history of broken dreams, and a father in jail. She spends her nights working as a janitor at a university she could never afford to go to in the daytime.

After collapsing one day, she goes in for a medical check-up and receives some shocking news. She tells no one, but determines to take control of her life and make the most of it. She makes a list of all the things she’s always wanted to do but never had the time, and embarks on an emotional journey leads her to unexpected places and gives her life new meaning.

Chapter Cinema 2 Mon: 8:30 Tues- Thurs: 6:30 Thurs: 2:30 Touching the Void From Oscar-winning director Kevin Macdonald (One Day in September), and based on the best-selling novel by Joe Simpson, this is an extraordinarily gripping account of an expedition which Simpson and his climbing partner Simon Yates undertook in the Peruvian Andes in 1985. The two young and ambitious mountaineers successfully scaled the hitherto unclimbed west face of Siula Grande, a remote and treacherous 21,000 ft peak. Starting their descent through a blizzard, Simpson fell and shattered his leg, and a heroic battle for survival unfolded in which both men were faced with life or death decisions which would test them to the limit. Simpson and Yates returned to the Siula Grande together for the first time to tell their story for the camera, and their testimonies and reflections are utterly compelling.

Chapter Cinema 2 Mon: 6:30 Tues-Thurs: 8:30

Sex special

February 16 2004

Page 13

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Even educated Homemade sex toys flees do it!

GR investigates intellectual joys of the world wide web

the site for you girls and boys. Just log on to www.homemade-sextoys.com Just for your amusement here’s an excellent example (not that you’ll want to try it... right?).

Drill a hole through the center of a bar of soap about the size of your dick. The larger the bar of soap, the better, and better to err on the side of a too-small hole rather than a too-large one.

Get the soap wet and pump away.

The edges of the bar of soap feel like a woman's lips squeezing gently down on your cock. When the hole gets a little to big to stimulate her flange, just use it to bathe.

by Natasha Hettihewa

by Ellie Bromley ANN SUMMERS hasn’t always been around to satisfy the urges of self-love, and let’s be honest, we all love ourselves a lot!

Up until the twentieth century female masturbation was socially unacceptable; women who were found to be suffering from ‘hysteria’ were referred to doctors for treatment through, ahem, massage.

One 17th Century doctor likened his technique to ‘patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time’. It makes you wonder whether he had trouble finding the clitoris and was trying anything that came to mind!

No wonder then that massage machines began to be invented, from vibrating beds to water douches and crazy piston-powered mechanisms – the modern vibrator was born. A particular high point in the evolution of the trusty vibrator has to be the multi-purpose kitchen appliances marketed in the early 20th century, which came complete with whisking, beating and mixing attachments, as well as a vibrating head. Now you know why Granny loves baking!

And now there’s even more reason to choke the chicken – not only does it not make you blind but medical researchers have found evidence that regular male masturbation reduces the risk of contracting prostrate cancer. The protective

effect is greater for men in their 20s.

I think the message here is clear. But before you run off to lock yourself in your bedroom bear a thought for those whose stupidity makes even solitary sex (no STI’s!) a hazard. The legendary Darwin Awards have noted several unfortunate, well, wankers, whose penchant for spanking the monkey have left them severely injured, and even dead. Tales include men who attempted to use a blade-operated vacuum cleaner, a machine drive belt, and a 2lb hammer and nails to satisfy their auto-erotic desires.

Apparently the sight of Jordan’s rack barely encased in a skimpy jungle bikini is not enough for some people.

So you think you would like to try a vibrator? After a series of highly scientific tests carried out by the Shag team we can reveal, that the Rampant Rabbit is the pick of the bunch and score top marks in our tests; a 5 star orgasm rating and 5 star giggle factor mean that it is our choice, but we have gone one further than that. With our friends at fannybatter.com we have negotiated a special offer for all gair rhydd readers - a Rampant Rabbit for just £15 including free delivery and batteries!

So to experience this marvel of modern engineering just log on to www.fannybatter.com/shag and get yourself the ultimate Valentine’s present.

Sex positions Don’t fear, if you can’t came up with a few think of what to do for ideas! Tick them off as Valentines week…. We you go!

Look out for our positions of the week in forthcoming issues! Please email any suggestions to: sexualhealthawarenessgroup@hotmail.com

Yes it’s true there is a wonderful (did I say wonderful?) website which teaches you how to make your very own sex aids. The days of closing your eyes and pretending are no more, my friends. Welcome to www.homemade-sex-toys.com The site’s ingenious creator finds uses for melons, balloons, soap and even the trusty pillow. When times and lonely and funds are low, this is

http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com

The best a man can get?

by Gowan Watkins To review every brand and style of condom available would leave no time for the actual testing of them, so here’s a brief rundown of what’s hot and what to avoid in the bewildering bevy of stylishly named protection available at your pharmacy.

Durex Extra Safe The old favourite of teenage family planning clinics nationwide. To be avoided if you’re allergic to spermicides or have an objection to your trouser snake sporting a lurid pink overcoat.

3/5 safe enough, but why the puke colour?!

Durex Gossamer Actually very good. Sensible size, good performance and uninhibitive scent and sensation.

5/5 Good clean fun.

Condomi Natural Great all rounders. Seem very safe despite being wafer thin, but perhaps a little on the tight side?

4/5 Very good unless you’re packing a whopper!

Durex Avanti Here comes the science bit . . . ignore all those hyped up claims to superiority on the packet. There’s nothing here to justify the astronomic price unless you’re unfortunate enough to be allergic to latex.

2/5 You don’t always get what you pay for!

Durex Featherlite Not sure about these, there have been a We have an office on the third floor of the students union behind the games room (inside the SVC office).

We are open most days between 1pm and 3pm for a drop in centre where you can get free contraception and confidential advice.

You can get free contraception including: - Condoms: always available outside the office

few stories of them breaking in use (never a good time!). On the other hand we’ve heard some good things about them. The thin fabric gives you a ‘not wearing a thing’ feeling! Make your own mind up shaggers!

2/5 Bit of a lottery on whether you’ll like them or not.

Condomi Noppi Wrinkly. No perceivable sensation difference. Perhaps some fun as a sort of ‘shag a geriatric’ simulator.

2/5 Strange innovation that nobody wants/needs.

- Femidoms * - Lubricant * - Dental Dams * - Strong Condoms * * available @ drop-in times only ShAg is about fun safe sex.

If anyone is interested in joining us further details of who we are and what we do are available on our display boards, on the third floor of the union.

Pasante Large If you are one of those men who’s too big for their own good, fear not! Here are the condoms for you, comfy as you like! And if your fella’s a bit nervy about his manhood, buy him a pack of these, that’ll put a smile on his face!

5/5 Comfy and no loss of sensation, a dream condom!

A little tip for you condom buyers, Savers on Crwys Road sell Pasante variety condoms in packs of 12 for a mere £2.99, shagging has never been so cheap!

Third Floor, Students’ Union, Park Place. Tel: (029) 20781510

svc@cardiff.ac.uk www.svcardiff.org

DJ workshops at Howardians

F

or a number of weeks SVC has been running a series of DJ workshops for residents of Adams Court, an accommodation centre for asylum seekers in Cardiff. Each session involves up to 6 youths, aged between 12 and 15, learning how to scratch, mix, use studio recording equipment or play an instrument.

The DJ sessions are run by DJ Monkey of Optimas Prime, a local hip hop group, with help from stu-

dent volunteers, and the studio sessions are run by Bud Harper, the studio manager at Howardian. These two have also agreed to play at the forthcoming Student Action for Refugees (STAR) and Amnesty International club night in Seren Las on Friday 20th February.

This project is one of the newest to be set up by SVC and is proving to be one of the most popular with both volunteers and partici-

pants. Volunteers get the chance to practice their dj’ing skills but at the same time gain valuable experience in a studio environment, whilst participants get the chance to learn from experienced musicians.

The workshops take place on Thursday evenings between 6 and 8. Anyone who is interested in volunteering for this project should contact Devinda De Silva at SVC.

The Big Sleep-out T

he Big Sleep-Out 2003 took place on Friday 5th December raising money for Cardiff Action for Single Homeless by people being sponsored to sleep outside for a night. £1,200 was raised from street collections on the night and when sponsorship money comes in it should top over £2,500! " It went very well," C.A.S.H. Deputy Manager Leighton Jones said, "we had more people sleeping out than usual and quite a lot of students from Cardiff University."

Cardiff Action for the Single Homeless run the only day centre for homeless people in Wales. They offer meals, shelter, support and advice every day of the year with an ‘open door’ policy. C.A.S.H. also provides access to education, training and leisure activities. Despite support from statutory authorities as an independent charity they depend on donations, particularly during the demanding winter period and so funds raised by the Big Sleep are vital to their work.

For several years volunteers from SVC have been working with Cardiff Action for Single Homeless, at the Huggard Centre. SVC’s project has developed into having a daily volunteer presence with over 25 students. As part of the User Development Programme, volunteers have already this year organ-

Student volunteering Week February 23 - 27 Get Info: Get Involved www.svcardiff.org

ised a fireworks display, run two pool competitions, established a women’s group and are cooking two additional free meals a week whilst

helping with an ice-skating trip, acupuncture sessions and conservation work, as well as the day to day running of the shelter

Student Volunteering . . . developing skills for life?

How can volunteering help your career?

Monday, February 23rd Nelson Mandela Room 6 – 7.30pm Working with refugees Tuesday, February 24th Rona Griffiths Room 6 – 7.30pm Volunteering Abroad Wednesday, February 25th Rona Griffiths Room 6 – 7.30pm

Get Info: Get Involved

Jobs & Money

Page 16

February 9 2004

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

in our office. We 3 o’clock signifies Poet’s Corner time to one another. them il ema and ricks lime all write silly s that rhyme with After spending ages thinking of word only five minutes that see "Alex", I glance at the clock to e bizarre as the mor get to tend s topic The ed. have pass

d h yd

S. Before you switch I suffer from what I like to call MASly an acronym meansimp is It . ious relig off, it’s nothing e. It’s a pretty selfing Mid-Afternoon Slump Syndrom have to fill a whole explanatory term but seeing as I to you. postcard I will attempt to explain it o’clock and this is The time has grudgingly reached 3 rts the worker and dese the exact point at which all hope seems an incontime stands still. The end of the day hed. All you want reac be r neve can h whic ceivable hurdle and sleep until desk the on n dow to do is put your head are low and irritation it’s time to go home. Sugar levels a strain of boreis high. The office slowly sweats with are frayed and pers Tem re. lectu any by ed dom unmatch at and goes defe ry pora tem its eventually everyone adm for a strong coffee. ring from this synAt first, I thought I was alone in suffe elf and struggled mys to it kept ly drome so I ashamed have noticed that at through the long hours. But lately I in their chairs, and er furth bit a back lean le 3pm peop usual, then slip off don’t rush to answer the phone as k. brea for another fag/coffee

, "There was a young lady called Alex Who wanted to have lots of great sex.

All her mates felt the same So they went on the game, And now they’re all gibbering wrecks."

r

By Alex Dove

afternoon drags on:

ga ir

Postcards from the Real World

After limerick time, a sort of grey mist t anything or anyone, descends and you don’t care abou refuses to budge. nk t-bla poin h whic except the clock, y on Fridays, when Then the hysterics kick in, especiall ing by the amount of judg in, e com not well as may you , as is usually the work which gets done (or not done something highly mes beco thing st case). The sillie down the pan. The amusing and communication goes a meeting and said from back e cam boss my day r othe ately, it being the low "aah… I missed my fan." Unfortun said "I’m glad you and d stoo nder misu ebb of the day I was talking about appreciate me." Needless to say he been embarhave d the electric fan on his desk. It coulso we just laughed in g goin easy is boss my rassing but capable when you that desperate hilarity, which is ines work in an office. it’s usually about 4 After the laughter has died down away like a Dali ing dripp ts star time o’clock, and the before you know Then d. spee clock, back at its normal der where the last won you and d roun es com 5pm it, remains of a rainy hour went. You step outside, into theical and alive with mag st almo feels grey day, and life S is blown away on possibilities, as the last bit of MAS . wind the

Would you sell your body?

By Nicola York

H

ow far are you prepared to go to earn big money for minimum effort? They say everyone has a price; if two grand is your price then this could be the deal of the year for you.

Marix Clinical Research Unit is based in Llantrisant, near the Royal Glamorgan Hospital. They are offering varying amounts of money for volunteers to take part in the trial of new drugs. For a 10 day study, which involves staying at the centre, payment is about £2,400 plus travel

expenses. Five or six day studies range from about £800 to £1,500, depending on the individual study.

I asked a spokesperson from the Centre to answer a few questions about the trials.

"The duration of the studies varies and can take place as outpatient or inpatient studies over a varying amount of time."

What do these studies involve?

"There are risks associated with most clinical research studies but generally, participation in studies is of a very low risk. If you do decide to take part in a study you will be required to attend the Centre and meet with a doctor who is involved in the study. You will be provided with written information about the study such as the procedures involved and

"They basically include the administration of a drug, via injection, orally or inhalation, and then the collection of blood samples, urine samples and the recording of heart rate, brain activity and blood pressure.

Are they totally safe?

Money Talks

News in brief

“I wish that dear Karl could have spent more time acquiring capital instead of merely writing Fawking funny Ryanair has caused controversy by about it.”

Jenny Marx

FACT FILE Guatemalan women work 11.5 hours a day, while South African men work only 4.5 hours a day.

any possible risk. Once you have had time to think about this information and ask any questions, you will be asked to sign a consent form specifically relating to that study. Taking part in any study is entirely voluntary so you shouldn’t feel obliged to take part."

Is there insurance against injury or anything else which may go wrong?

"Yes. We’ve got a no-fault compensation policy and volunteers should be compensated by the drug sponsor company without having to prove it."

How many studies are volunteers allowed to take part in and how long do you keep them on your records?

"For new drugs (i.e. those not yet available on the market), volunteers must wait 16 weeks before taking part in another study. For marketed drugs, the wait lasts for 12 weeks.

So on average, volunteers can participate in about three or four studies a year.

"We keep people on our records until they request that we take them off."

playing on words in a fireworks night advertising scheme. The advert, which appeared in the Daily Telegraph, had the headline "Fawking great offers".

Forty-seven people complained because they thought the advert alluded to an expletive. Ryanair responded in great style by saying that the ad was "intended to be humorous". They were given a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again.

Google boob Google are demanding that a porn search engine called Booble, change their name, as it’s too similar to their own. Booble.com are refusing on grounds that it’s merely a harmless parody and that "only a lawyer could say ‘Booble’ without smiling".

Love, actually is all around us…

Apparently, 72% of people have had an affair in the workplace, according to a survey by a payroll recruitment firm. More than 50% meet their partner at work, but only 5% would consider a fling with their boss. 8% of people had been forced to resign after an office romance backfired.

Lotto money A new European lottery is being launched with a potential £50 million jackpot to be won.

EuroMillions will be an amalgamation of the UK’s National Lottery and similar ones in France and Spain.

Tickets go on sale on Saturday at £1.50 and the first draw takes place on Friday February 13.

Is Bond the future?

What are the facilities like at the Centre?

A revolutionary car can apparently travel by land, sea and air. It has been developed by a Swiss firm who are going to prove that it really does work by "driving" it across the English Channel.

"The unit has up-to-date medical facilities, and the atmosphere is relaxed and friendly.

While volunteers are undergoing testing, there are opportunities to read, study, watch TV, go on the internet, and play pool and table football. All food and beverages are provided."

The James Bond-style vehicle may revolutionize the future of travel. It has folding wings and a high-tech hydraulics system which means it can lift off over water. It can travel at speeds of 200km an hour on land, 50km per hour on water and 80km per hour over water.

How can people become Marix volunteers?

The only drawback is the name, Rinspeed Splash. Sounds like a brand of toilet cleaner...

"Call 0800 0728321 or 01443 234400 and we will send you an information pack and answer any further questions you may have."

If you have any careers or money queries email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk.

Free Stuff

February 9 2004

Page 17

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! To enter any of the competitions on this page, write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the Competitions pigeon-hole in the gair rhydd office, or simply email them to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk. All entries by Thursday please.

Dress to impress next season Just as I was getting into winter – the numbing cold, torrential rain and ice rink pavements – Miss Selfridge bring out their new spring/summer collection.

And if these pictures are anything to go by, we’ve got a great season in store. I caught these sexy young ladies in Miss Selfridge attire lurking in my garden and immediately snapped them with my telephoto lens. I’m told there have been several other sightings in gardens across the UK and, as Miss Selfridge’s new line is out now, with a 10% discount for students, there’s no excuse for not splashing out on some funky new outfits and loitering carefree in gardens yourselves.

To find out what’s hot this season and what to expect in store, plus a chance to win £25 worth of vouchers to spend on the latest gear read on.

Kickstart your spring and summer wardrobe with some Lolita, Caribbean and Mystic fashion with £25 worth of Miss Selfridge vouchers. Simply answer the following question: What colours highlight the Mystique East Collection?

LOLITA Lolita is about girlie innocence with a twist of retro charm from the 30s and 50s. Prints and patterns are key, with the emphasis on ditzy floral prints and candy coloured stripes. Pretty printed poplin pieces and feminine woven full skirts and dresses are mixed back with vintage styles to create a fusion between old and new. Contrasting printed trims, embellishment on bags and clip-on decorations for your shoes are all essential details to create the Lolita look. Shades of candy pink work together with striking tones of sunflower yellow and leaf green.

CARIBBEAN QUEEN Inspiration is drawn from the Caribbean, Cuba and Brazilian cultures to create this eclectic, Latin look.

Delicate touches of embellishment enhance basic blouson vests and tunic shirts with beading and embroidery. A retro feel with a luxurious edge, swimwear is pure glamour, with cutaway swimsuits, and bright tropical print bikini’s; the look is completed with printed shoppers, beaded flip flips and chunky silver beads. Bold tones of cobalt, turquoise, orange and black define prints with mid-tones of pink, citrus and peppermint.

MYSTIQUE EAST Oriental and floral prints are splashed over opulent silks and waterfall hem and necklines in floating chiffon ooze femininity.

Layers of swathed fabrics sit back with black skinny drainpipe trousers as dresses are styled over jeans in a quirky 1920s flapper vibe. Peek-a-boo heels with a 50s take are essential, in polka dot pinks and bow trimmed pastels.

Colours are black and white with highlights of lipstick pink and spearmint green.

Seriously easy...

Back by popular demand, we’ve got more Malibu packages to give away to you lucky (alcoholic) readers. So stop whinging about the cold, just sit back (probably in an armchair alone in your own house) and enjoy some seriously easy Malibu and cranberry to inject a little sunshine into the dreary grey winter months.

We’ve teamed up with Malibu, the Caribbean White Rum and Coconut spir-

it, to offer three winners a bottle of Malibu, a carton of cranberry and a posh Malibu-branded jug to mix it in.

Think Malibu and cranberry’s a strange combo? Well the official word is that the palette balancing combination forms the perfect partnership, with the dryness of the cranberry juice blending with the rum and coconut to make a drink that brings a little bit of Caribbean with every sip. Shame on you for doubting it.

To get your hands on this thirstquenching, stress-reducing package, simply answer the following question.

What is the fruit flavour that sets Malibu apart from other white rums?

WINNER OF THE WEEK JANET JACKSON Or to be more precise, her right breast, which has this week received a record number of internet hits for its impromptu appearance at the Super Bowl. It popped out when Justin Timberlake ripped off her bodice during a half-time performance. Timberlake apologises for making a tit out of Jackson, but claims he’d misunderstood his briefing that the audience were here to see the Super Bowl and he was simply unveiling it. We’ll keep you abreast of further developments. Sorry, I’m milking it …

POST-MATCH ANALYSIS - Congratulations to Karen Bradley, Amy Druce, Dimitra Fimi, Sean Howes and David Smith who’ve all won themselves a Young Person’s Railcard. The XIII PS2 game and goodies go to Andrew Brooklyn for correctly stating that the last issue was DCCLIII in Roman Numerals. Clever lad. All winners will be notified when their prizes are ready for collection.

Livefree4aweek.net

This week’s winner is Reeja Devarajan, who studies Sociology and Criminology at Cardiff University

Media

February 9 2004

Page 19

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

The voice of South Wales

John Collingridge talks to Alastair Milburn, Echo editor and UWIC graduate on Cardiff students, a career in the media and binge drinking

A

s Europe’s youngest Culture Capital, Cardiff moves at a rapid pace, and Alastair explained the need to ensure that the Echo develops at the same rate: "Crucially I try and keep readers in touch with what is going on, with the help of very good editors who have their fingers on the pulse.

“I also have a lot of informal discussions with the likes of Russel Goodway and Rhodri

Morgan, to know exactly what’s going on."

He described how he has changed the paper in keeping with developments: "Our major redesign last year was to reflect how cosmopolitan and metropolitan Cardiff has become. It’s no longer a coal capital, but a vibrant and changing city."

The Echo’s position in this changing environment is still a shaky one.

Like all paper format print, the growth of electronic media and a national trend of flagging readership, threaten their position. But Alastair is confident: “In 10 years’ time, we will still be a newspaper, but we’re developing our internet sites to reflect change.

"Ultimately I will still see reporters, but they will be writing for an electronic newspaper, which people will download. It’s not going to mean the death of the newspaper - it will still exist in some format."

Alastair described how his typical day at the Echo starts at 6.15am when the news and picture editors prepare lists to decide on the content for the back and front pages. The design team work towards these lists, with a deadline of about 9.30am.

Before most students are out of bed, the press has begun, churning out the five editions that vary according to where they are to be sold.

An overnight team work on the less urgent pages such as letters, and health. Then there is a 3pm meeting to decide the following day’s content.

Meanwhile, throughout the day, reporters are following up and researching stories.

Crucially for students, the Echo dedicates very little of its coverage to them, although they make up a significant number proportion of the community. Alastair explained the reasons for this, "Students don’t really buy the paper. Although they affect the news, so many come from outside Cardiff, and care very little about Cardiff news.

"There are very successful niche

“Cardiff students get us great stories because of their antics” products that cater for them, so at the end of the day it’s very much a commercial driver - it’s a very transient

EDITOR: Alastair Milburn started off at UWIC before moving into a journalism career population, and one that doesn’t really pay dividends.

"That’s not to say they don’t give us some great stories because of their antics."

Alastair says that the Echo has not as yet developed a stance on the England-only affair of top-up fees: "I do think that it’s very easy to get upset about them, but the reality is that if we do want very good universities with excellent resources they

need money, and it’s a case of where that money comes from."

But showing he’s not completely heartless to the student cause, Alastair added: "I would flip that by saying I wouldn’t like to be leaving university now with the debt, opportunity shortfalls and the property prices that face young people."

He approached the subject of Cardiff ’s drinking culture tentatively. Alastair recognized that the Echo does have a degree of responsibility to report it as an ongoing issue for Cardiff: "I do think that Cardiff has a big problem with it.

"Cardiff won’t become fully European and cosmopolitan without tackling the very drunken behaviour that happens late at night.

"I know for a fact I would not bring my young family into town on a Friday and Saturday night."

Alastair’s route to the top reflects how challenging a career in media can be. After first attending UWIC, Alastair moved to a weekly paper in Bristol. He joined the Western Mail as the duty reporter and described his daily shift: "Unfortunately it was during the 1991 Gulf war so I was on a 10pm to 6am shift, which was pretty gruelling."

Alastair did a couple of reporting duties but moved quite quickly onto the news desk. Then in 1997 he went to the Wales on Sunday as a news editor, and then became assistant editor. In 1999 he went back to the Western Mail as assistant editor then deputy editor, before finally coming to rest as the editor’s desk at the South Wales Echo in 2002.

For students thinking of pursuing career in journalism, he explained that life in the newsroom can be very tough: "I have no problems with ask-

ing my reporters to do challenging things as I’ve been through it all myself."

Alastair offered one very simple piece of advice: "Get your foot in the door.

"I see a lot of applications over my desk from people with a lot of qualifications, but they need to go that one step further to show that they really do want to be journalist.”

Media Muddle This month’s Hullfire carries an apology in the editorial column. Due to staff changes, it appears one of the union exec had to take over the reins for this issue. Despite claiming it was a long time since she’d edited, it’s clearly the best issue yet. Perhaps if they got a total novice to edit the next issue it might actually approach readable levels.

Spare a thought for Prince Philip.

The gaffe-prone royal has been facing a campaign to oust him as Chancellor of Edinburgh University, the Gaudie reports. You think students would like to have somebody entertaining in charge, even if he is a senile old man.

PHILIP: Not well loved at the University of Edinburgh

Television

February 9 2004

Page 21

cuddles@andre.au

Your essential guide to this week’s TV February 9 - 15

Insaniac in the membrane Forget Mysterious Girl, Insaniac is where it’s at

HOT Jesus Juice Only the finest of God’s juicy pips go into the succulent quaffs from this honed beverage. The best vessels, they say, create the best drinks, so what could be better than some rank wine served in a Coke can? Yum.

SOAPS EastEnders is gash, and I don’t even want to write about it.

Stupid Janine admitting to something that was, to all intent and purpose, an accident, fucking Tariq moping about because he wants a family... pah.

Even worse is the fucking Corrie storyline, fucking children popping out all over the place and other shenanigans. As I’ve always said, the only soap you can ever be safe with is the hilarious Neighbours.

The pug-faced Serena becoming a model? Yeah, right! And I’ve joined True Love Waits. And Taj and Jack suddenly becoming best friends, despite their history? There’s more to that than meets the (Jap’s) eye.

And something about Toadie’s ‘evidence’? With that fox Cindy wandering about, it’s not surprising he keeps creaming the place... xxx

Another week, another bonkers Peter Andre moment in the jungle.

Not content with assaulting our senses with his cockney poetry and simpering “love” for Jordan, Peter Andre is angling for a resurrection of his pop career as he prepares to leave the jungle. While Moyles lobbys for the re-release of Mysterious Girl, us hardcore Andre fans at TV Desk are rooting for the fantastically abysmal Insaniac to be the pintsized muppet’s first new release.

Of course while this is all going on someone on Monday will be crowned King or Queen of the Jungle (9pm, ITV1) - frankly now Jonh Lydon has quit I don’t really care, but the bookies’ money is on Lord Brocket so I’ll say I expect Kerry McFadden to waddle and whinge her way to victory while eating the other contestants in a bizarre descent into madness.

In stark contrast, the excellent Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace (Thursday 10.30pm, C4) continues to gather momentum, hurtling inorexably towards an apocalyptic finale with tonight’s show featuring anal violation by a giant walking eye, a touching singalong and yet more terrible acting. Three episodes in and classic status is already conferred. Enjoy, kiddiewinks. TV Andy xxxx Hey! I got into horse-racing yesterday, and I regularly enjoy placing a wadge on Harry’s Hawker at the 10.30 at Newton Abbot, so obviously I was

enthralled upon discovering that S4C are going flat out on Saturday (1.30pm) with two hours of solid gold Racing From Newbury, Haydock Park and Ayr. That’s right, AND Ayr. Treats held within this double helping include drivelling, gambling, old motherfuckers frothing wildly as a load of horse ass is whipped in a straight line. It’s like football, only with John McCririck being sexist in between the action.

And crap. Lest we forget, there’s also Coronation Street (Monday 7.30pm, ITV1) in which Tracy’s stinking sprog

finally enters the world. Roy and Hayley have been fiddling around with prams and bottles and things for the last few weeks and now the time has come, and they, a mad paedogentleman and a suspiciously too-feminine transsexual are going to buy a baby from a slaggy lady who got up the duff from shifty Steve McDonald anyway and is taking them for the ride of their life. But either way, trouty-faces all round. Crap. TV John xxx Hello my little molluscs.

Poor TV Holly is mopping her brow while slicing the finest titbits from TV to serve to you on a gilded platter. Unfortunately there’s a load of gash on over the weekend, and I suspect this has something to do with the inconvenient arrival of Valentine’s Day. But it may all be salvageable. I noted that on Saturday, The Sixth Sense is on ITV1m (9.15pm). Now, if you still don’t know what the twist is, this film is actually worth bothering to watch, even if Hayley Joel’s infamous lines fill you with the desire to scratch his eyeballs out with a rusty nail.

And the Bruce theme continues on Sunday, with Unbreakable (ITV1, 9pm). I haven’t seen this and people generally seem to loathe or like it. Perhaps it’s worth checking out in that post-hangover state in your last moments of freedom before that tortuous hour-lecture on Monday.

Have a good Valentine’s with your sex toys! xxx

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY Jack shit.

Wahey, it’s all go in the digital kingdom this week. Obviously it’s the climax of Celebrity Rubbish (nonstop on ITV1 and ITV2 until Monday) but more importantly than that... it’s the new series of 24 (Saturday 9pm) which, if you’ve seen the first two series, you’ll be no doubt salivating and drooling all over your festering pizza-encrusted attire. The first two, with Kiefer “I can’t think of anything to say about this man apart from that he was the man on the dog’n’bone in Phone Booth and was also in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me but I won’t mention that because it would be yet another David Lynch mention” Sutherland, were fantastic by all accounts and highly addictive. I, regrettably, have never seen the damn thing so I fail to see how a programme that’s special purely because it has 24 episodes and a spectacularly implausible number of events occurring in the space of just one day can be that good, but I guess I’ll just have to watch it and find out. Only I can’t, because despite it’s immense popularity, BBC2 have failed to secure the rights to show it and you’ll have to make do with bugger all unless you have cable.

Music videos aren’t just about flashing breasts, poncy posing and writhing around in something slippery you know. They can be about peace, love and understanding too and generally damn good short films.

So for fans of the latter choice, you could do much worse than hunt down the Zen TV DVD, a collection of the best videos from the wonderful Ninja Tune label. Featuring classics from great artists such as Mr Scruff, DJ Vadim, DJ Food, Hexstatic and label owners Coldcut.

Also included are all the versions of Coldcut’s classic Timber which was the first track to have video “remixes” done to accompany the release and a 20 minute mashup of the videos by AV geniuses Hexstatic.

Along similar lines the new Onedotzero select DVD is also now available featuring the work of Shynola, Lambchop and a host of cutting edge video artists. Weird, wonderful and perfect late evening viewing.

NOT

Janet Jackson’s tit Sick of your brother hogging the headlines?

Why not flash your sagging breast in front of millions of people round the world? “Wardrobe malfunction” my arse - a desperate PR stunt, and what was that star about?

SPORT Nothing much on once again - but at least the Six Nations starts up again soon.

BBC2 has Bowls on AGAIN, but at least it’s not snooker. BBC3 also brings us the final stages of the African Nations Cup. Still none of that will live up to Wolves beating Man Utd....

FILMS Lost Highway (Tuesday 1.20am, S4C) Good, GREAT film. Not David Lynch’s finest, but definitely getting there. Four years after the “success” of Twin Peaks, Lynch emerged with this, a naturally dark, oddly comic and suitably nonsensical film noir. Until it starts making sense and then... oh just watch it (again).

RADIO I never listen to the radio anymore, because I am too scared of hearing Sara Cox or Chris Moyles whittling on.

So I have started listening to Radio 4 and getting very excited about the nature programmes.

Because then you don’t have to get upset about the twatty presenters. You can just immerse yourself in the wonderful world of animals.

On Monday, at 9pm is Nature.

This week, it examines giant pandas. Oh, doesn’t it make you feel great to be alive? Whereas the panda, of course, is counting her final days. Aren’t pandas’ ground-up cocks used as an aphrodisiac? Well you would, wouldn’t you, I bet they’re huge!

Anyway, back to my original point.

Have a listen and think about the lickle pandas feasting on bamboo.... That’s all...

Monday

Today in your Union

Page 22

February 9-15 2004

gingerbeard@mychin.com

Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night £200 drinks voucher give away.

Dub Pistols, Culprit One, Chico Fresco + West One Factory has been relaunched, with the main room sounding music containing a range of alternative styles. One mission will be running a weekly open decks session in the bar, while the Live Music Society and Oddsoc will provide rock and metal in the backroom, on top of regular guest bands and DJs. Furthermore, by popular demand it’s FREE! (with NUS).

Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night

Vic and Bob’s TOTP2 BBC2 6.45pm

I’m A Celebrity...

ITV1 9pm

Sex On The Job Sky One 11pm

The Traci Lords Story five 11.30pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.15 Passport to the Sun 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Doctors 15.05 Parkinson 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC 17.35 Neighbours Serena is lured into a modelling career as a means to help her parents.

But the shoot descends into chaos when she discovers her partner for the “Slutty Schoolgirl Shoot” is Harold in full bondage gear.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Holiday 2004 19.30 Wales Yesterday Let me guess - it pissed it down, they lost at rugby and complained about being run by England.

20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Changing Rooms Laura McCree covers a wall in old jeans. Why the flaming bucket of monkey spunk would she do that?

21.00 Sea of Souls Katie Quinn brings her son to the unit when he shows disturbing signs of having lived before. Well being 8 you’d imagine him to have a few years’ experience of it.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Somebody's Daughter, Somebody's Son: Peter Sellers 23.40 Bowls 00.25 FILM: Eyewitness ** 02.20 Sign Zone: The Million Pound Property Experiment 03.20 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC 08.30 CBeebies 10.25 What a Carry On! 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 English Express 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Traitor Psychological game show in which nine contestants play for a prize of five thousand pounds. All claim to tell the truth, but two are lying. Sounds utter tripe.

We demand the return of The Simpsons.

18.45 Vic and Bob's TOTP 2 In this edition music from Jilted John, The Rezillos, Slade, Kraftwerk, David Essex, The Who and Wham. Fan-tastic!

19.10 Private Life of a Masterpiece: The Night Watch I’d recommend the Terry Pratchett novel of the same name.

20.00 Terry Jones' Medieval Lives: The Peasant This looks mad, but good.

Nice to see Terry back on the telly.

20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks With Crispian Mills, the friend of the Nazis.

21.30 Coupling Jane goes to dinner with nothing to wear.

Hopefully she’ll wear nothing...

22.00 Room 101 Michael Grade consigns Shirley Bassey and Dr Who to Room 101. In the immortal words of Christopher Morris, “Grade is a cunt”. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Carehouse

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: I'm a Celebrity Uncovered 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Tastes of Wales 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 15.55 Hey Arnold! 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up.

18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Zak is furious with Scott for stitching up Sam, and swears revenge. It’s no good standing there swearing mate - you might want to actually do something about it.

19.30 Coronation Street Rita is amazed by Cilla's latest offer. The rights to Blind Date and her huge collection of false teeth.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! It’s the final.

After two weeks of pure fried gold we finally find out if monster fun bags or the insaniac himself has become king of the jungle.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Premiership on Monday 00.05 Football League Extra 00.45 Kylie Minogue - In Profile 01.10 Today with Des and Mel 02.00 I Want That House 02.25 Painting the Stars 02.50 Entertainment Now! 03.15 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 03.40 Mixmasters 04.05 ITV Nightscreen

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Time Team 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Labordy 5-4-3-2-1 16.25 Planed Plant: Medabots 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Ffermio 21.00 Cefn Gwlad: Aled Davies Aled's mother, Joan, also has an interest in Bluefaced Leicester sheep. Must not make joke...stop reinforcing stereotypes...Ah sod it! I bet it’s not just their blue faces she’s interested in...

21.30 Sgorio 22.30 Faking It 23.30 Without a Trace 00.30 Faking It Changed My Life It’s true - without it I may have been incredibly bored for an entire hour. Oh sorry I typed that wrong - I WAS bored for an entire hour. 01.30 Will and Grace 01.55 Japan's War 04.00 Ysgolion/Schools Well my triumphant return to DJ at Moloko last night was a resounding success. However the hangover I’m still suffering from is less so. Still proper bo to all the lovely people who came to see us and also to the ladies who kept waving that vibrator at us.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Oswald 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 A House That's Just like Yours 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the Scandalous Scoundrel *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Will Noah give up on helping Kit? That Firebird needs plenty of polishing and those red lights are high maintenance.

18.30 Family Affairs A thrilled Geri is offered modelling work by Nick. That talentless bint doesn’t deserve the attention any more.

The less said about her cameo in SATC the better.

19.00 five news 19.30 Great Scientists Albert Einstein.

20.00 Ultimate Attack Helicopters 21.00 FILM: Lethal Weapon 4 Oh pur-lease.** 23.30 X-Rated Ambition: The Traci Lords Story Methinks the wank factor might be quite high for this one - remember though, she was jailbait at the time...

00.35 Real Sex 01.20 Now Is the Time: Kick Boxing 02.05 US PGA Golf 02.55 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 04.15 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v San Lorenzo San Lorenzo are an awesome band. I heartily recommend any of their great records.

05.35 Motorsport Mundial

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Travis Re:covered 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Body Hits Investigating what happens when you fall in love. Obviously as any fan of Tex Avery cartoons knows your jaw drops to the floor, your pupils turn in hearts, your eyes pop out on stalks and your heart starts beating out of your chest.

20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Parent Trap Using a shovel dig a pit approximately 8ft deep. Sharpen bamboo poles and affix them into the base of the pit with concrete or similar balast. Cover with branches, leaves and grass and wait for the fuckers to waltz right in.

Serves two as a main meal.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 3 Non-Blondes 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Little Angels 01.00 Parent Trap 01.55 Body Hits 02.25 New Tycoons 02.55 New Tycoons 03.25 Liquid News

06.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 17.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live Spot a pattern?

21.00 Celebrity Fit Club 22.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 22.25 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 23.30 Coronation Street Rita is amazed by Cilla's latest offer two oiled masseuses hung like elephants for her soiled collection of Razzles.

00.00 Coronation Street 00.30 Jerry Springer Anyone watch this any more? I thought not...

01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 ITV Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Oh GOD! It feels like a pig has shat in my head. Yes folks I’m hung over as fuck and liable to spew steaming chunks of vegetable lasagne all over this week’s pages. Classy.

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: The Annette Funicello Story: A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes Expect utter dross. ** 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Britain's Hardest 22.00 The Handler 23.00 Sex on the Job Featuring the police dog handlers whose relationships with their beasts have taken a worrying turn.

00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 01.50 Angel 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dharma and Greg 03.55 Dharma and Greg 04.20 The Amazing Race 05.10 Guilty!

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Your Face or Mine?

18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Good Morning 19.30 The Salon Live 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 Smack the Pony 23.10 Porn: A Family Business 23.40 Porn: A Family Business 00.20 Hollyoaks 00.45 Little Friends 01.15 Sex and the City 01.50 Smack the Pony 02.20 Porn: A Family Business 02.45 Porn: A Family Business 03.15 Your Face or Mine? Once again the listings gives a hilarious juxtaposition of programme titles.

I’ve just been happily informed that on last nights Shaving Ryan’s Privates there was a fantastic porn version of Lost Highway called Lost Hienie and the fantastically titled Gorillas In The Ass. Three guesses what the plot is for that one. For once rampant monkey sex is a reality rather than a euphemism.

As S4C except: 06.05 Animal Alphabet 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Working Week. 9.55 Without You. 10.20 Rewind: Chart Hits.

10.40 This Teen Life. 11.30 Teen Big Brother. 12.30 My Eden 12.40 Cheers 13.10 FILM: An Inspector Calls *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Getting Personal 20.00 Salvage Squad: Amphicar 21.00 Men of Iron Look at C3PO, Johnny 5 and Tweaky from Buck Rogers.

22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 FILM: The Exorcist III Unmitigated shit. * 01.00 FILM: Possessed ** 02.50 Wolfman 03.00 Miracle Police 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Faith in Action. 4.15 Without You. 4.40 Making It. 4.45 Sarah and the Whammi. 5.00 The Rhone. 5.15 We Are from Turkey. 5.30 Animated Tales of the World. 5.45 Famous People.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Tuesday

February 9-15 2004

Page 23

mingemucus@myseat.com

Peep Show E4 10.30pm

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 Out There 07.50 ChuckleVision 08.10 Metalheads 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Bill and Ben 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.25 What a Carry On! 10.50 Pod's Mission 11.05 Megamaths 11.20 Bobinogs 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 14.30 am.pm 15.30 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Traitor 18.45 Vic and Bob's TOTP 2 Not, as TV Desk first presumed, a look at Vic and Bob’s hilarious versions of Dizzy and I’m A Believer, but in fact a compilation of 80s tunes that are probably the soundtrack to their cottaging sessions.

19.10 Space: Flying Visits: New Worlds 19.30 Hidden Gardens 20.00 Crafty Tricks of War 21.00 The Third World War: Al Qaeda 22.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Legend of Leigh Bowery Who? Can you be a legend if I don’t know who you are? No, of course not, you arrogant growler of a man. And spelling your name like that? You’re like, so over!

00.35 Football Magic 01.40 BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Revisewise at School: Maths 1 04.00 Revisewise

Silk Hope five 3.40pm

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: I'm a Celebrity Uncovered 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Tastes of Wales 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Rosie and Jim 15.30 The Angry Beavers 15.55 Bernard's Watch 16.10 Tutenstein 16.40 SpongeBob SquarePants 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Shelly and Turner admit to growing closer, but will it just drive Steph further away?

Surely it will just incite her into a threesome situation, complete with chilli flavoured love oil? Laurel plays nurse to Gabby.

Ooh, matron!

19.30 The Ferret 20.00 Celebrity Fit Club Not half as good as Marjorie Dawes’ invaluable dieting advice.

21.00 FILM: There's Something about Mary *** 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: There's Something about Mary All I can remember about this is the deep amount of empathy I had for Mary and her hair situation. Better than in the eye, though. *** 23.50 The Brits Are Coming and TV Desk are running away...

00.15 Making The Return of the King 00.50 FILM: Happy Gilmore Adam Sandler doing what he does best...being a cunt. * 02.20 World Sport Football League Extra 03.25 Cybernet 03.50 Get Stuffed!

04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early News

Celebrity Fit Club ITV1 8pm

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rala Rwdins 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bryn Seren 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Y Consuriwr 16.30 Planed Plant: FTPD 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Darn o Dir Drama 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm It is a difficult day for Stacey at work, as Abygale reprimands her for not fully servicing the latest Welsh politician to grace their flock-walled foyer.

20.25 Byd ar Bedwar 21.00 Adar Drycin 21.30 Grand Designs 22.30 Amdani 23.25 The Diana Conspiracy 00.25 NYPD Blue 01.20 FILM: Lost Highway Surrealistic journey through the twisted minds of two individuals - one a jazz musician, the other a young punk - who could well be one and the same. When the former's wife is found bludgeoned to death, he is immediately arrested, but he metamorphoses in his jail cell into his younger alter ego. Freed from captivity, the young man then meets a porn-film starlet (not me), who eerily resembles his murdered wife. These things have a way of happening like this, don’t they? ***

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.20 Sailor Sid 07.30 Oswald 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 A House That's Just like Yours 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Silk Hope A Valentine’s thought from five. I prefer rubber. *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs The Costellos are devastated when Chloe and Charlie go missing. Trying desperately to think of a crap Elvis Costello joke and failing. The thought was there though, kids.

19.00 five news 19.30 Built for the Kill: Night Stalkers: Predators of the Deep 20.00 The World's Deadliest Swarms 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.50 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.50 The Real CSI: Clifton: A Murder Mystery 23.25 The World's Deadliest Gangs: The Yardies 23.55 La Femme Nikita 00.50 Sunshine Tour Golf 01.40 NCAA College Basketball 03.40 Ironman Triathlon: Hawaii 04.30 Dutch Football: Ajax v ADO Den Haag five is being completely unhilarious as it has no soft porn or even porn documentries on tonight. Good thing I’ve got my own stash, starring David Gest.

COMEDY CLUB With Jarred Christmas and Nige 8pm £3.50 Wine £6 Bottle An entertaining Antipodean newcomer, the talented Mr Christmas has certainly been bitten by the comedy fairy. He is a highly engaging performer and his verbal gymnastics are impressive. An impressive on-stage presence, he is surely destined to become a circuit fave.

THE TAF Tropical Tuesday: Cocktails £2.50, Shooters £1

GAMES ROOM 19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Stereophonics Re:covered 19.30 Body Hits: Cold Snap 20.00 EastEnders Revealed 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Action-packed flashback to the moment that Janet and Jonny first met on a night out in sunny Runcorn, in the form of a fantastic musical extravaganza. Bag of shite, but at least it sporadically stars that rogue Tad Reeves, now with black hair.

21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders Kareena confronts Tariq and tries to get some answers as her anger grows. Tariq makes a decision about the operation: “If I cut off my dick and use it on you, that’s not incest, is it?”

22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 Sort-It-Out Man 23.30 3 Non-Blondes 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Little Angels 01.30 African ER 02.25 Body Hits 02.55 Dreamspaces 03.25 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 Coronation Street 12.55 Emmerdale 13.25 Airline 13.50 Trisha 14.55 Movies Now 15.10 The John Walsh Show 16.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 17.50 Clea and Emma Bunton... In the Studio 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Dancing in the Street 20.00 Holiday Airport Cyprus 21.00 Fat Friends 22.00 It's Good to Be...

22.30 I'm a Celebrity... Coming Out The madness and mayhem that greets the celebrities as they leave the jungle and are welcomed back to their celebrity lifestyles. Or rather, try to rewrite the dictionary and include ‘insaniac’ then get dumped by Jordan.

23.35 Club Reps Uncut 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.15 David Letterman 02.05 The John Walsh Show 02.50 Teleshopping 03.50 ITV Nightscreen 04.10 Trisha

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Crossing Paths 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Angel 22.00 Nip/Tuck Julia discovers that she is pregnant, and is unimpressed when her doctor advises her to rest throughout the pregnancy. Still haven’t seen this and reserve my judgement.

23.00 Porno Valley 23.30 Scrubs 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 01.50 Angel 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dharma and Greg 03.55 Dharma and Greg 04.20 American Sex 05.10 Guilty!

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Your Face or Mine?

18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Good Morning Miami 19.30 The Salon Live 20.00 As If The gang can't believe that Nicki is still dating Christian the estate agent, but is she using him or is he using her? Or does he just want to ‘christen’ all the rooms in his houses?

20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.35 A Wife for William 22.05 Smack the Pony 22.30 Peep Show Made somewhat bitter after Sophie has appeared not only in the deeply embarrassing Lotto advert but also that fucking senseless AA one. Will she not learn?

23.05 Shameless 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Distraction 01.10 Perfect Breasts are smiling directly back at me.

02.10 A Wife for William 02.35 Smack the Pony 03.00 Peep Show 03.25 Your Face or Mine?

As S4C, except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Working Week. 9.55 What's This Channel 4? 10.20 Rewind: Mixing. 10.40 Decisions: Ben's Patient. 11.05 The A-Z of Drugs: A-E. 11.30 Teen Big Brother. 12.30 Grudge Match 12.40 Cheers 13.10 FILM: The Constant Husband ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks Izzy is angry when she discovers Abby and Zara's surprise. Well, no one likes their bras being used as toilet bowls. Or do they...? 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Getting Personal 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Faking It: Rock Chick 22.00 Shameless 23.05 The Comedy Lab 23.35 The Comedy Lab 00.10 A Man's Best Friend A look at the complicated relationship between men and their ‘private parts'. 01.10 Monkey 01.55 Star Trek: Enterprise 02.40 Andromeda 03.25 Psyche and Eros 03.55 AIR:Moo(n) 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Tartan Turban

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.15 Passport to the Sun 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.20 Spook Squad 16.45 The Cramp Twins 17.00 Grange Hill 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Stuart realises he's lost everything. Jack and Taj ‘borrow' Toadie's evidence, but trip as they scarper and end up with come gracing their stubble.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Watchdog Including a look at dishwashers. “So why don’t they work when you don’t shut the door then?” This show’s lost all panache since Anne discovered botox and America.

19.30 EastEnders Dot plays fairy godmother. Eek? Dot in sequinned leotard moment is surely not allowe pre-watershed. Far too exciting for certain young men who like that kind of biscuit-crumbed saggy flange thing.

20.00 Holby City 21.00 Sea of Souls 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 Doctors and Nurses 23.35 Revolver 00.05 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 00.50 Film 2004 01.25 FILM: Til There Was You 03.10 Sign Zone: Property People 04.10 Joins BBC News 24

Perfect Breasts E4 1.10am

Wednesday

Today in your Union

Page 24

February 9-15 2004

speedowrenching@pastey.com

RUBBER DUCK RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE Solus 10pm – 2am £3 Castle and Java £1.30, Screamers £1.00, Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, WKD Vodka £1.00 Rubber Duck invites you to go deep into the bush. We will have you swinging from the vines on our 'Jungle Juice'.

So if you are going to cheat on your partner with a Jane or Tarzan, then abide by the Jungle law... it'll be survival of the fittest this week! Tread with care coz it’s a jungle out there....

Catch a flying Rubber Duck and win a free drink, pair of tickets to Rubber Duck, or a £30 drinks voucher!

Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

The Perfect Holiday BBC1 7pm

Food Police: Meat BBC1 8pm

Rather Good Videos C4 1.05am

Film: The Omen II BBC3 10pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.15 Passport to the Sun 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 The Wild Thornberrys 16.35 Powers 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 The Perfect Holiday Series in which travel experts determine the ideal holiday from the contents of someone's home. A family from Wigan visit Orlando and St Petersburg beach in Florida. Right, so a “perfect” holiday can only take place in the plastic capitalistic fjords of the skank-ridden ass of America which is Florida?

19.30 Wildlife on One: Pelicans Taking the Plunge 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 The Food Police: Meat With Andrew Bridgewater.

20.30 Animal Camera 21.00 Family Business 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 FILM: Bird on a Wire Bloody awful film with Mel Gibson. ** 00.25 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters Our beautiful nation redefines “unmissable” again.

01.10 Sign Zone: American Virgins: This World 02.10 Sign Zone: Trading Up

07.00 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 07.25 Ocean Star: The Quest 07.50 Chucklevision 08.10 Mona the Vampire 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Boo! 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 El Nombre 10.35 What a Carry On! 11.00 Nation on Film 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Lifeline We WILL scare you into donating money with puppy-dog eyes!

13.10 Big Screen Britain 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Traitor 18.45 Vic and Bob's TOTP 2 The Darkness, Free, David Bowie, Small Faces, Pink and Squeeze.

19.10 What the Romans Did for Us: The Good Life 19.30 The Great Mortgage Fraud 20.00 Flog It! 21.00 Property People 22.00 National Trust: The House, Chapter 1 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Match of the Day: African Cup of Nations 00.10 African ER Without George Clooney.

01.10 Nollywood 01.40 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Revisewise Challenge at School: Maths 04.00 Geography: Investigating Asia Now this is my sort of thing.

Asia, well-forgotten 80s powerballad peddlars, released a fantastic song, Lay Down Your Arms. This documentary charts the song’s journey from conception through to summer 2002, when a Japanese version of the song appeared in some horror film I saw where a plane crashes and there’s a killer internet webcam or something. Or not.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soap Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Tastes of Wales 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Rosie and Jim 15.30 Angelina Ballerina 15.45 Sonic X 16.10 Brilliant Creatures This week: the woodlouse. 16.30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Footballers' Wives Hooray! It’s back. And it’s on for a football-tastic 90 minutes. This series features, among many other plotlines so thin they make a beanpole look a bit porky, Thai ladyboys and Jordan. Plus reaction to the untimely deaths of possibly the two most important characters of the last two series, and a round-up of all the hermaphrodite action.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 Director's Commentary 23.30 The Premiership 00.30 The Brits Are Coming Better burn your faces, then. 00.55 CD:UK Hotshots 01.20 Chamjam 2002 02.15 Trisha 03.10 Today with Des and Mel 04.00 ITV Nightscreen Although, having said all that exciting gossip about Footballers’ Wives earlier, I just took a peek at a picture of the cast, and they look like total wankers. Looks like “so shit it IS shit” time for the Wives.

Sniff.

06.30 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 4Learning 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 12.40 Sgerbyde 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Barrug 13.15 A Place in France: An Indian Summer 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Nic a Peri 16.15 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.30 Planed Plant: Mali O 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Pacio 21.00 Ar Y Lein 21.30 Relocation, Relocation 22.30 ER 23.30 Frasier 00.00 FILM: Human Traffic “Good at what it’s supposed to do” apparently. Given it’s about John Simm et al going clubbing in Cardiff, then one has to suppose it’s good at cheap nasty sex, having water poured over its tits and then honking up a putrid hairball of a meat product all over the kerbside. In the rain. *** 01.45 The Vagina Monologues Presumably a TV adaption of the monolithically popular feminist theatre production. Without the minor celebrities attempting to hit the comeback trail. And for an hour and a half. 03.15 Andromeda Anyone who thinks writing TV listings is easy work, last Thursday I was here until 3am, and was locked out of the house so I traipsed the streets of Cardiff ALL night.

Until quarter to ten in the morning. It was raining, and I had to drink imitation Red Bull in Roath Park in order to stay mobile.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Oswald 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 A House That's Just like Yours 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 Dream Holiday Home 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Columbo: Strange Bedfellows ** He-llo salacious cop drama!

Especially Columbo, surely the most surly and “most-likely-to” at the Bad Boy Cop Closet Pervert awards. The “strange bedfellow” is Hercule Poirot, let’s hope.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Weapons of World War II: Gliders 20.00 We Built This City: Paris “On Rock and Roll”, surely? I don’t think Starship would have had the same effect with their song “We Built This City: Paris!”

21.00 21.00 Britain's Finest Castles 22.30 Bad Boys of Comedy With Freddie “hammy-muncher” Starr. Who is not “comedy” in anyone’s language. Especially mine.

23.35 The Other Hollywood You don’t really need a genius, TV critic or otherwise, to tell you that the “other” Hollywood in question is the porn industry.

01.05 NHL Ice Hockey: New Jersey Devils v New York Rangers 04.30 NHL Ice Hockey Replay I’ve just realised I’ve now mentioned Starship AND Asia on today’s listings. Sorry.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Match of the Day: African Cup of Nations Semifinal action from Tunisia. My money’s on Cameroon, purely because they’ve got the longest name and I’m that desperate to fill up space.

21.30 Football Magic Boring sounding documentary giving John Simm a second chance to be on television. He’s not been the same since The Lakes. Now THAT was a TV programme. Long gone are the days when I used to do my chemistry homework at school to the sounds of gang rape, incest and violent spade murder. Now it’s more or less the same, only without the television being on.

22.00 FILM: Damien: Omen II ** 23.40 3 Non-Blondes 00.10 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.40 Parent Trap 01.40 The Rubber Man 02.10 Devil's Footprints 03.05 Dreamspaces 03.35 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy I just almost wrote “telly” and hereby ban all usage of the word. It’s horrid.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Ask a Silly Question 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.50 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Clea and Emma Bunton... In the Studio the latest from two top pop acts.

Clea? Who? Oh - actually, is that the band made up of the girls who didn’t make Girls Aloud? Go away.

20.00 Coronation Street Special - Tracey Barlow Exposed... to every male in the entire street, the filthy ho.

21.00 Real Crime: Love You to Death 22.05 Coronation Street 22.35 I'm a Celebrity... Coming Out 23.35 Coronation Street Special - Tracey Barlow Exposed 00.35 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 ITV Nightscreen

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Flat Out 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons Bart and Milhouse go on a squishee bender.

19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Fear Factor One challenge tonight is to drink the liquid created by crushing 50,000 worms. No offense to the collective idiots who came up with that idea, but I’m sure the poor invertebrates were more scared than the contestants will be.

And 49,999 of their friends were liquified.

21.00 FILM: Jaws ***** 23.20 Britain's Hardest 00.20 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.20 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 02.10 Angel 03.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friend 18.00 Your Face or Mine?

18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Good Morning Miami 19.30 The Salon Live 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Faking It: Rock Chick Laura-Jane Foley is a 20-year-old Christian choir member who has never been to a rock concert and doesn't believe in sex before marriage.

Tonight she leaves behind her straight-laced Cambridge University life to be transformed into LJ - rock bitch from hell and lead singer of rebellious rockers Rehab. I’m more than willing to bet they sound like Evanescence.

22.00 Father Ted 22.35 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 23.05 Teachers 00.05 Hollyoaks 00.35 Faking It 01.40 Distraction 02.10 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 02.35 Teachers 03.25 Your Face or Mine? Also, thinking about what it says in the description of Faking It, since when was it compulsory for all rock stars to have sex out of wedlock? I bring Sir Cliff as case for the defence.

06.00 Tales of a Wise King 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Working Week: Journalist. 10.00 What's This Channel 4? 10.20 Rewind Jazz. 10.40 Decisions: Steve's Heartache That would be because his ladylove Holly has left him to spend time with fitter, happier TV listings writers.

11.05 The A-Z of Drugs: F-O 11.30 Teen Big Brother. 12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: The Violent Men 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Getting Personal 20.00 Relocation, Relocation 21.00 Grand Designs 22.00 ER 23.05 Frasier 23.35 Sex and the City 00.15 4 Music: Ear Candy Turn on for The Rapture.

Turn off for the bits in between with Colin Murray. 00.45 4 Music: Rock 'n' Roll Myths 01.05 4 Music: Rather Good Videos With Belle and Sebstian (yay) and Jet (urgh). 01.20 4 Music: Headliners: Blur (yay) 01.50 4 Play With The Raveonettes (urgh). 02.05 Mama Lou 02.10 Skiing

Thursday

February 9-15 2004

Page 25

insaniac@number1.com

FILM: Striptease five 10.10pm

I’m A Celebrity... Coming Out ITV2 10.30pm

Garth Marenghi C4 10.30pm

Shameless S4C 10.30pm

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 07.50 ChuckleVision 08.10 Metalheads 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies 11.20 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Traitor 18.45 Vic and Bob's TOTP 2 In this edition, music from T Rex, Norman Greenbaum, Roxy Music, the Sex Pistols and the Wonder Stuff. I wonder if that’ll be Dizzy...

19.10 What the Romans Did for Us: Inventions 19.30 Six Nations Preview Wilkinson out for two games? That’s England screwed then.

20.00 Inventions That Changed the World: The Television 21.00 Horizon: Thalidomide - A Second Chance Report on the current use of Thalidomide against cancer and other diseases.

Having studied this to death in lectures I doubt there’s much I’ll learn but I urge you to watch what should be an excellent programme.

21.50 Trouble at the Top This week, Elton John’s wig.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Making Men out of Boys The Michael Jackson story...

00.00 BBC Four on BBC Two: Dan Cruickshank and the House that Wouldn't Die 00.30 A Picture of Africa 01.00 African Footballers' Wives 02.00 BBC Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soap Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Tastes of Wales 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Rosie and Jim 15.30 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 16.30 Eliminator 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Laurel makes a momentous decision, but will it mean the end of her friendship with Ashley? Perhaps he’s going to move back in with Hardy.

19.30 19.30 Fishlock's Wild Tracks Trevor visits the old kingdom of the Silurians, travelling to an old Iron Age fort. They were baddies from Dr Who so why do they have proper relics?

20.00 20.00 The Bill 21.00 21.00 Wire in the Blood More trite ITV drama with Robson Green.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 On the Edge 00.00 Your Century 00.30 The Brits Are Coming 00.55 FILM: Rudy With Sean “Samwise” Astin. Hopefully all about the classic Specials single - but I doubt it. *** 02.45 Cybernet 03.15 Jewel in Profile 03.40 Ghost Stories 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News In a bid to get some life into the office, Tristan starts randomly insulting people. Unfortunately he just ends up talking to himself. It’s tragic really.

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Channel 4 Schools 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Mot a Tom 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Wali Wags 16.15 Planed Plant: Sioe Gwobrau Mawr 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Ffarmwr Ffowc Comedy series about an eccentric farmer. There’s a hilarious premise if ever there was.

20.40 Darn o Dir A new day dawns and Rhiannon is feeling happier - until Gari announces his plans - inviting their mates over and seeing how many bottles of baby oil they can slide their way through in three hours of hardcore rutting.

21.15 Cnex 21.30 iDOT Might be worth watching if they ever get anyone good on.

22.30 Shameless Fantastically dark drama series. Though judging from last weeks episode things seem to becoming less happy for the Gallachers.

23.30 Six Feet Under 00.35 Father Ted 01.05 Monkey 02.00 The Michael Essany Show 02.30 Xtremists 03.25 Skiing on 4

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Oswald 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 A House That's Just like Yours 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: Lost Flight ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Scott is prepared to commit Kit to undergo treatment.

It’s only an MOT for fuck’s sake - stop turning it into a crisis.

18.30 Family Affairs Doug enjoys five-star treatment from Cat justifying her title as Queen of the Handjobs.

19.00 five news 19.30 Tim Marlow on El Greco 20.00 FILM: Miss Congeniality Torrents of abuse pour from the mouths of the office staff when I ask for comments about this - I’d avoid if I was you. ** 22.10 FILM: Striptease Do I really need to tell you to avoid this terrible excuse for Mrs Kutcher getting her droopy baps out? Best acting in the film from Burt Reynolds moustache. ** 00.25 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 01.05 Dutch Football: Ajax v PSV Eindhoven 02.50 Argentinian Football: Independiente v Racing Club 04.25 UEFA Cup Football: Liverpool v Olimpija Ljublijana 05.35 European Drag Racing: Ricardo versus Devine. I’m running out of queens quickly...

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Blue Re:covered Hopefully it’s in concentrated sulphuric acid.

19.30 Body Hits 20.00 EastEnders Revealed 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Top 50 Cultural Movers and Shakers 4. Peter Stringfellow. 15. Danny Mills 23.

Jodie Marsh.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 15 Storeys High 23.30 Nighty Night 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Little Angels 01.00 Top 50 Cultural Movers and Shakers 7. Andy “The Viking” Fordham 10. Vinnie Jones 42. Kate Thornton.

02.00 Football Magic David Seaman makes balls disappear and David Beckham juggles two women at the same time.

02.55 Dreamspaces 03.25 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy And that’s good night from me - and good night from him... Keep it unreal folks.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Movies Now 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.50 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Ask a Silly Question Did Janet Jackson flash her tit on purpose? *shudders* 20.00 Tenants from Hell There's home-video footage of a wrecked house in Wales where the tenants have finally moved out. That’d be Riath then.

21.00 Holiday Homes from Hell 22.00 It's Good to Be...

Madonna I don’t think so - have you seen Swept Away?

22.30 I'm a Celebrity... Coming Out Which of the contestants are actually gay? Find out now.

23.30 Footballers' Wives Toss.

01.00 Jerry Springer 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman 02.40 IRB Rugby World Sevens 03.05 Teleshopping

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Enchanted ** 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation Q tries to claim a young female student intern aboard the Enterprise as a member of the Q Continuum the dirty old man.

18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Jake 2.0 Drama series about a technician who becomes a secret agent after being transformed by a computer virus. Sounds tragically terrible.

21.00 24 PUT IT BACK ON BBC2 YOU FUCKERS! 22.15 Cold Case 23.15 The Handler 00.15 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.15 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 02.15 Angel

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Your Face or Mine?

18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The One After They Were Friends and we stopped caring.

20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER Pratt and Kovac clash over a miscarriage-prone young woman who arrives to deliver a premature baby. Hopefully not censored due to breast exposure - that’s such a stupid decision.

22.30 A Wife for William 23.00 The 46th Annual Grammy Awards Pointless gakfuelled awards arse-licking which hands out crap statues to muppets who’ve sold some records.

00.40 Friends 01.10 Hollyoaks 01.40 Distraction 02.10 Fame and Misfortune: Blowing It 03.00 Maybe It's Me New look Russian roulette gameshow. Six contestants, one bullet. Who’ll get lucky tonight?

03.25 Your Face or Mine?

As S4C except: 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Working Week: Youth Worker.

9.55 What's This Channel 4?

10.20 Rewind - Classical.

10.40 Decisions: Leah's Trial.

11.05 The A-Z of Drugs: P-Z 11.30 Teen Big Brother. 12.30 My Eden 12.40 FILM: Love Story A film that’s more famous for its music than its actual story. *** 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks Mr C is determined to win over the citizens of Chester. That cheeky geezer from The Shamen gets everywhere. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Getting Personal 20.00 A Place in the Sun 20.30 A Place in France: 21.00 Alex Best: My Life with George 22.00 Father Ted 22.30 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Something long-dead has been reborn on B Wing, which means trouble for Dr Rick Dagless. I’m reliably informed there’s anal probing in this one...

23.05 Six Feet Under 00.15 NYPD Blue 01.10 Skiing on 4 03.25 Trans World Sport

SOME OF THE GREAT VALUE DEALS FROM YOUR SHOP ON THE FIRST FLOOR OF THE STUDENTS’ UNION Don't forget Valentine’s day, February 14. For a great range of Valentine's cards visit the Union Shop.

Fanta 500ml bottles 2 for 99p, Snack a Jacks 2 for 55p and Dime and Toblerone bars 2 for 49p.

See instore for other great offers.

The union shop is open from 8.30am7.00pm Mon-Fri, and 12.00-4.00 pm Saturday.

Deals a run till February 20

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.15 Passport to the Sun 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC 17.35 Neighbours Jack and Taj agonise over getting caught.

Caught doing what exactly? I’d imagine it involves a toilet roll, a lighter and a reluctant hamster.

Either that or Izzy’s finally let them have a threesome.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Didn't They Do Well!

19.30 EastEnders 20.00 DIY SOS 20.30 Spy TV 21.00 Red Cap A mummified corpse is revealed to be a soldier who has been dead for nine months.

Surely someone would have noticed he’d gone missing - or the smell.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time The panel includes Ann Widdecombe MP and author Shirley Conran.

Doesn’t Widdecombe have anything better to do, like stopping breathing? She’s always on this.

23.35 Dragon's Eye 00.05 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 00.50 This Week I have been mostly been eating dodo eggs.

01.55 Skiing Weather 02.00 Sign Zone: Bill Oddie's History Hunters 03.00 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 03.30 Sign Zone: Watchdog 04.00 Joins BBC News 24

THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50

Friday

Today in your Union

Page 26

February 9-15 2004

insanitypeppers@anus.com

LASHTASTIC

TEXT-TASTIC With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50 For one night only Lashtastic becomes TextTastic, your last chance to hitch up for Valentine’s Day! Don't be alone on the 14th, let modern technology help you find your match...and a date.

Three House parties to be won – goodies to the value of £300!

Plus, win your own pre-lash house party courtesy of the Students’ Union. Prize includes three crates of beer, lager or alcopops, sparkling wine, party food, balloons, music, six tickets to Lashtastic and much more!

THE TAF

Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1

Mad About Alice BBC1 8.30pm

As If E4 5.30pm

Film: The Rock five 9pm

Magic Key BBC2 10.20pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.15 Passport to the Sun 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 ChuckleVision 16.15 What's New Scooby-Doo? 16.35 Intergalactic Kitchen 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Taj tells Serena she's not old enough to date boys. Poor Taj, he always seems to get the rough end of everything. That’s what you get for being a moral crusader in the increasingly seedy Ramsay Street. He fancies Jack, too.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Mad about Alice Fucking waste of my time.

Unsurprisingly in the reliably humour-free Friday 8.30 slot on BBC1.

21.00 24 Carrott Gold Jasper Carrott in stand-up in front of a live audience of thousands. Or at least they were when he started.

21.30 They Think It's All Over .

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Just Up Your Street 23.10 Jim Davidson's Commercial Breakdown 23.40 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 00.30 BBC Three on BBC: Jordan - The Model Mum

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 07.25 Crush 07.50 ChuckleVision 08.10 Mona the Vampire 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Rubbadubbers 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 Magic Key I wonder if this bears any relation to the Biff, Chip and Kipper books I learned to read with, who had a magic key and a big yellow slobbery dog. 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Let's Write Non-Fiction 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary History 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Traitor 18.45 Scrum V Live: Cardiff Blues v Glasgow. Kicking off at 7.05.

21.00 Killing Hitler What happened to comedy on BBC2 on a Friday? I assume this isn’t a hilarious sitcom set in a concentration camp rabble.

Starring Parky from On The Buses.

22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Malai Presents 00.05 The X Files 00.50 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 01.30 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Framing and Forming 02.30 Persisting Dreams Documentary about people who dream about being persistent, pestering and generally wanting a good, hard branding. 03.30 Taking Note 04.00 Siena Cathedral 04.50 Ever Wondered? 05.00 Simple Beginnings? 05.30 Music and Place: In Tune with America

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soap Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Tastes of Wales 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.25 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 As Told by Ginger 16.30 Teen Angel 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Three’s a crowd for Maria. Fnarr!

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Learner Drivers Yeah this isn’t a complete carbon copy of Driving School or anything 21.00 The Last Detective “The last gasp attempt at straw-clutching in the field of shoddy detectve drama” more like.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 At the Doctor's 23.30 FILM: Dangerous Minds Film about a teacher who goes to work at an inner city school with bad boys and hoodlumy types.

Not worth a mention in normal circumstances, but this is the film that inspired Gangster’s Paradise which is perfectly OK with me. *** 01.25 The District 02.20 Entertainment Now! 02.45 CD:UK Hotshots 03.10 Today with Des and Mel 04.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.25 World Sport 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Space filling.

Meow meow meow. Blah blah blah. Fucking fuck fuck fuck.

Etc...

07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Mamemo 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Rownd a Rownd: 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Gwyllt Ar Grwydr Wildlife series.

21.00 Jonathan Jonathan Davies chats with a variety of guests.One less letter and it could be the singer from Korn chatting with a variety of guests.

Hilarious as that would be, the sheer sight of that ridiculous grumbing poodlefucker is enough to make you retch.

21.45 Friends 22.15 Sex and the City Make the most of this, guys, because it’ll be gone before you can find the hankies. And put the spoon back in the Ben’n’Jerry’s or whatever people do when they get together and watch this crock of shit.

22.50 NY Graham Norton 23.55 Banzai 00.25 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 00.55 The Comedy Lab 01.20 South Park 01.50 King of the Hill 02.15 Futurama 02.40 The Channel 4 Political Awards 2004 Best comedy performance, best newcomer, biggest fucking idiot, most ludicrous lie, most fancied toupee. Well what then?

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Oswald 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 A House That's Just like Yours 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: No Higher Love ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away .

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Germ Warfare: Dr Kelly's Last Interview 20.30 Dream Holiday 21.00 21.00 The Rock *** Hilarious action thriller with Elton John-themed death sequence near the end.

Not to be confused with School Of Rock, which looks shit.

23.35 FILM: Eternal Revenge ** 01.25 The Shield 02.15 FILM: Abroad with Two Yanks ** 03.30 The Love Boat 04.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters Tiptop music time, lucky readers!

This week I’ve indulged my deepest Lambchop fantasies and extended my back catelogue to five, all of which are immense. The self titled Stellastarr* album is everything Franz Ferdinand wish they were.

The Postal Service ARE the musical equivalent of Douglas Coupland. And the new Liars album is out soon, and it’s apparently a concept album about witches and wizards.

More of that, please.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Match of the Day: African Cup of Nations The third place play-off.

21.30 Football Magic 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Bachelor 23.30 Little Britain 00.00 Sort-It-Out Man 00.30 Sex Warts and All USA 01.00 Body Hits 01.30 Little Britain 02.00 Sort-It-Out Man 02.30 Sex Warts and All USA 03.00 Tower Block Dreams Oh, the many tower block dreams of youth. Tower blocks, block party. What party?

Pizza party? I just spilt pizza topping all over my inner leg so I let Andy play his CDs instead. I feel sick. BBC Three’s general lack of interest isn’t helping. See, in normal listings pages, the space for shit peddling rubbish like BBC Three is about two centimetres big with no space to write witty japes about the relevant programs. But no, we have this void every week to try and fill.

For example, me struggling extensively to write about graffiti. Oh dear readers, the pain we suffer.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Ask a Silly Question 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.50 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Clea and Emma Bunton... In the Studio 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 American Idol 3 21.20 American Idol 3 21.45 It's Good to Be... Michael Jackson Are you sure? It can’t be that good to be accused of laundering wine to children under the guise of ‘Jesus Juice’ and generally being a bit of a big joke to more or less the entire world.

22.15 Clea and Emma Bunton... In the Studio 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Club Reps 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.50 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 The John Walsh Show 02.20 Teleshopping 03.20 ITV Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.10 The Russell Grant Show 14.10 FILM: Silver Wolf 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Max Magic 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw Shitty money-grabbing Camelot bigknobs in European con merchant festivities. King Arf’ wouldn’t be happy at lending his kingdom to this tragic set of events, fo’ sho’.

21.05 FILM: Clear and Present Danger *** 23.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.45 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 01.45 Angel 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dharma and Greg 03.55 Dharma and Greg 04.20 The X Files 05.10 Guilty!

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Your Face or Mine? 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The Salon Live 20.00 As If Just imagine if they got rid of the space between the words, and this was just an EastEnders spin-off starring Martin Fowler’s japey-mouthed and under-used friend Asif? And why’s he being left out of the whole new “EastEnders Brat Pack” thing that’s going on at the moment? I couldn’t care less that Ronnie’s only got one freaking kidney.

20.30 Friends 21.00 Return to Jamie's Kitchen 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 The Secret Life of Us 00.05 The Bronx Bunny Show 00.30 Oz 01.40 Hollyoaks 02.10 Without a Trace 02.55 The Secret Life of Us Phew! Last bit of column time for me, and I can trundle home. A book recommendation to finish with. It’s called Ella Minnow Pea, which is a crap title, and I can’t remember who it’s by, but it’s still a damn sight better than every TV programme on this week.

09.30 4Learning 9.30 Working Week: Businesswoman. 9.55 This Teen Life. 10.45 Rewind Stage and Screen. 11.05 The A-Z of Love and Sex. 11.30 Teen Big Brother. 12.30 Grudge Match 12.50 FILM: I Was Monty's Double *** 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.30 The Channel 4 Political Awards 2004 Jon Snow presents the awards in a political year indelibly marked by war in Iraq and the death of David Kelly. And what award will that win? Biggest fucking farce?

20.30 Friends . 21.00 Friends 21.30 Will and Grace 22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 NY Graham Norton 23.40 Banzai 00.15 South Park 00.45 The Grill 01.10 King of the Hill 01.35 Futurama . 02.00 The Michael Essany . 02.25 Skiing on 4: Alpine 04.15 Plane Crazy 05.10 Countdown 05.55 Animated Tales of the World Cartoon about John Henry, a hammer-wielding lifesaver, apparently.

Saturday

February 9-15 2004

Page 27

bridget@midget.co.uk

No Escape BBC1 11.35pm

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Trade Secrets 12.55 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross 13.25 Bill Oddie's History Hunt 14.25 Watching the Detectives: Monk 15.10 Watching the Detectives: The Rockford Files 15.55 Watching the Detectives: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 16.50 Six Nations Grandstand 17.55 Wales on Saturday 18.35 What the Papers Say 18.45 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 19.15 The Battle for Britain's Soul 20.15 Ancestors: Nelson's Forgotten Heroes 21.05 Britain's Best Sitcom Rowland Rivron puts the case for One Foot In The Grave, meeting star Richard Wilson and writer David Renwick. I am so offended by what is in the running for best sitcom. Most of them are the kind of thing that are gentle, soft ‘comedies’, not the sharp and painful sort of things I like. If you follow...

22.05 One Foot in the Grave 22.40 Grass 23.10 Still Game 23.40 Match of the Day: African Cup of Nations Highlights 00.30 Athletics: European Indoor Cup 01.30 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Hard Questions, Soft Answers 02.30 The Science of Climate 03.00 Rocky Shores: Life on the Edge 03.30 In Search of Syphilis It’s not difficult, just come to TV Desk... 04.00 Looking at What Happens in Hospital 04.30 Fighting for Space 05.00 The Signature of Life 05.30 An A to Z of English

The Rubber Man BBC3 2.40am

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 The Brits Are Coming 13.00 ITV News; Weather 13.05 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.10 On the Ball 14.10 Tracey Barlow Exposed 14.40 Coronation Street Omnibus 16.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.10 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.25 The Kids from Alright on the Night I hear a barrel being scraped by a very elderly spoon...

18.25 Stars in Their Eyes Yay! Kiddie-fiddlers and karaoke singers as a Valentine’s gift for you all from ITV. 19.15 Love on a Saturday Night Presented by Davina McCall in the studio and Jonathan Wilkes on location. You know this is going to be BAD. So get yourself to St Mary Street to find a shitter from the Drunk And Dangerous documentry and get yourself some pump-action yoghurt gun rumpypumpy... It is Valentine’s Day, you know. They’ll be gagging for it.

20.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Valentine's Special So they can buy their future partner, perhaps? I hear Abygale’s has reasonable rates, but then so do I. 21.15 FILM: The Sixth Sense **** 23.15 ITV News 23.30 FILM: Slums of Beverly Hills *** 01.05 CD:UK 02.00 FILM: Brief Encounter ***** 03.25 Dare to Believe 03.50 Mixmasters 04.15 The Machine 04.40 Entertainment Now! 05.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 News

Loch Ness Channel 4 4.40pm

06.00 The Hoobs 06.25 The Hoobs 06.55 Skiing on 4 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.50 FILM: Doctor at Large *** 11.40 Smash Hits Chart 12.10 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 13.00 Dirty Laundry 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Newbury, Haydock Park and Ayr 15.30 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Awstralia v Cymru 17.50 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.45 Ffarmwr Ffowc Comedy series about an eccentric farmer. The fact that the title alone sounds like Farmer Fuck is enough to get me tittering.

20.00 Noson Lawen An hour of music and laughter.

Those Welsh are always having it large.

21.00 Y Palmant Aur 22.00 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Awstralia v Cymru 22.40 FILM: Maximum Risk High-octane action thriller about a retired French soldier's search for his brother's killers. Unaware that he even had a twin until he found him dead on the streets of his home town, the veteran vows not only to avenge the murder but also to uncover the truth about his own past. Er, but how does he actually know that that’s his twin? Loads of people look like me (e.g. Janine Butcher/Evans, Kerry McFadden) and I don’t go around avenging people because of it. I just get my tits out instead and hope no one notices. ** 00.25 FILM: Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love Not half as good as you might think. It’s got love in the title, bleugh. *** 02.25 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup 04.25 KOTV

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake!

08.00 Zentrix 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 12.50 Robot Wars 13.55 Dawson's Creek 14.50 The Chart 15.20 Home and Away Omnibus 17.25 FILM: Columbo: A Trace of Murder ** 19.10 Charmed Did you hear Serena on Neighbours go on about this the other day? A snippet of her character that again reminds me what a dogfaced twat she really is.

20.00 Adrenalin Rush: Hollywood's Chases Including Johnny Depp running away from me.

20.55 five news and sport 21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 Law and Order 22.55 FILM: Hard Time Hooray!

Porn returns to five... Oh no, hold on. It appears I have my wires crossed... Never mind, it being Valentine’s Day and all I’ll try to find myself some male meat by the time the clock strikes twelve... And then if all else fails I’ll get myself a Rampant Rat (I hear they’ve got more bite than rabbits) and spend the night in Duracell-related ecstasy. ** 00.40 Boxing Classic: Floyd Patterson v Ingemar Johansson 01.25 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Raymond Joval v Angel Hernandez 02.35 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 03.30 ISKA Martial Arts 04.20 Cold War 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30

THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30

GAMES ROOM 19.00 Liquid Assets: Elton John's Millions 19.45 Match of the Day: African Cup of Nations 22.15 FILM: Damien: Omen II Horror sequel about a child fathered by the devil. After having helped dispatch his adoptive mother and father at the age of six, the boy is now 13 and living with his unsuspecting aunt and uncle. He seems to be like any other spoilt, precocious teenager, until his powers of destruction begin to emerge. A passage from the Book of Revelations ultimately convinces him of his true purpose on Earth. Looks like complete and utter bollocks, but then that’s what you should get on a good Valentine’s Day. ** 00.00 The Bachelor A story about all the men I’ve left who are too scared to try again. With anyone.

00.55 African ER 01.55 Liquid Assets: Elton John's Millions 02.40 The Rubber Man A programme about my fantasy man, complete with a 14-inch schlong. Ouch!

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.20 Airline 12.50 Airline 13.20 Airline 13.50 Airline 14.25 Holiday Showdown 15.25 CD:UK 16.30 IRB Rugby World Sevens 17.00 Quincy, ME 18.00 Quincy, ME 19.00 Movies Now 19.15 Holiday Showdown Shitters compete to be the new Lizzy from Wife Swap, but fail as she seems to have cornered the market with her fat arse and heat deal.

20.15 Celebrity Fit Club 21.15 Love Cheats from Hell Footage of me at 14, copping off with all my friends’ boyfriends and hoping they didn’t see me as I gave them oral pleasure. “What does it matter when we’re going to splatter?” the boys kept singing in an attempt to soothe my guilt.

22.15 FILM: Scent of a Woman Directed by Martin Brest. Hehe! *** 01.10 Club Reps Uncut 02.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

03.10 ITV Nightscreen 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Battlestar Galactica: The Lowdown 16.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 17.00 Jake 2.0 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons Grandpa sells a home-made tonic which increases sexual desire in men.

If only it were that simple...

21.00 24 22.15 Nip/Tuck 23.15 Cold Case 00.15 Angel 01.15 Really Caught in the Act 02.05 The Real Sex in the City 03.00 Single Girls 03.55 America's Dumbest Criminals 04.20 Gamezville 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager

14.00 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 14.20 Your Face or Mine?

14.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends 17.30 Your Face or Mine?

Mine, obviously. You’ve got a face like an arse. I look like Liza Minnelli.

18.00 The Grill 18.30 Union Jack Complete bag of shite that should be avoided unless you want to commit suicide due to embarrassment of being human.

19.00 Robbie: Live at Knebworth Satan with knob rot.

20.30 Friends 21.00 Brits Go to Hollywood 22.05 NY Graham Norton 23.10 Six Feet Under Nate is not happy when Lisa quits her job without consulting him.

David and Keith go to a vacation resort, but David feels uncomfortable. I don’t know why, but I’ll presume it’s due to the ginger-intolerance company who own the resort.

00.15 The Sopranos 01.15 The 46th Annual Grammy Awards 02.50 Six Feet Under

As S4C, except: 09.50 T4: Smash Hits 10.25 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 11.15 T4: Friends 11.55 T4: Joe Millionaire UK 12.55 T4: Dirty Laundry 15.40 The Tower: The Tower at War 16.40 FILM: Loch Ness “Fucking awful, trite, faux British doggerel,” sums up TV Andy usefully. *** 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 FILM: The Madness of King George **** 21.05 Regency House Party: Pride and Prejudice An experiment in romance set in a restored Regency house. Five men and five women bid to observe the strict social mores of the early-19th century. Sadly, I’m really intrigued. But I’d hate it, as I couldn’t be half as promiscuous - and get away with it...22.05 FILM: The End of the Affair *** 00.00 NY Graham Norton 01.05 4 Music: Ear Candy 01.35 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 01.50 4 Music: Moby Concert 02.50 The Art Show 03.20 Norm 03.40 Jack and Jill 04.25 Jack and Jill 05.10 Countdown 05.55 Grabbit the Rabbit Not rampant.

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Round the Twist 06.55 Evolution: The Animated Series 07.15 Tom and Jerry Kids 07.40 Arthur 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 The Wild Thornberrys 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Six Nations Grandstand 13.10 Rugby Union 14.00 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: France v Ireland 16.00 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: Wales v Scotland 16.50 Final Score 17.10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.25 Match of the Day Live: Sunderland v Birmingham City Kick-off is at 5.35.

19.40 The National Lottery Jet Set 20.15 Casualty 21.05 Jonathan Creek 22.05 BBC News; Weather 22.25 Match of the Day I hate MotD, from the the shit old opening to the fucking awful theme tune signalling the end.

Rant over. Sorry.

23.35 FILM: No Escape Futuristic action thriller about a soldier who is sent to prison in the year 2022 for shooting one of his superiors. With corporations controlling the prison system, a ruthless prison warden has created the ultimate solution for his most troublesome and violent inmates. Dressing them up in nappies and bonnets and giving them a good spanking, I should think. No? Well, that’s what they should have done. No Escape my arse. They need my tips. *** 01.30 They Think It's All Over 02.00 A Question of Sport 02.30 Top of the Pops 03.00 Joins BBC News 24

Kama Sutra S4C 12.25pm

Sunday

Today in your Union

Page 28

February 9-15 2004

grotesquepiercing@janet.com

THE TAF WHO WANTS TO BE A CLEVER DICK Quiz £3 per team (max 6) Up to £350 in drink vouchers to be won!

Sunday Sessions: Jugs of Carling, Worthy and Strongbow £6.00

Tue Feb 10 Leicester v Bolton (KO 20.00) Sat Feb 14 Man United v Man City or Tottenham FA Cup (KO 12.30) Sun Feb 15 Liverpool v Portsmouth FA Cup (KO 16.05)

Songs of Praise BBC2 4.55pm

Union Jack E4 7.30pm

Sex on the Job Sky One 10pm

Catterick BBC3 10.30pm

06.00 Breakfast 07.50 Match of the Day 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 11.50 EastEnders 12.20 Match of the Day: Arsenal v Chelsea 14.30 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: Italy v England 16.50 BBC News; Weather 17.00 EastEnders Sharon finds a new venue for the Valentine's Ball. Up her arse, with low-level lighting.

18.20 Last of the Summer Wine It is nearly time for the annual parade to celebrate a famous battle.

The lifelike effigy of the old General has been spruced up... the arse.

18.50 Antiques Roadshow Special Michael Aspel introduces a special edition from the London to Brighton veteran car run with antiques experts Eric Knowles and Hilary Kay. Sounds wonderful.

19.35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20.00 Down to Earth 21.00 The British Film Academy Awards Stephen Fry hosts the star-studded awards ceremony from the Odeon, Leicester Square.

Nominees attending include Renee Zellweger, Uma Thurman and Emma Thompson. Worth a look even if you don’t agree with most of the winners.

22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 The British Film Academy Awards 23.15 On Show 23.45 FILM: The American President **** 01.35 Sign Zone: The Perfect Holiday 02.05 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 06.55 Taz-Mania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 FightBox 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Bible Mysteries 13.30 Bible Mysteries 14.20 FILM: South Pacific ** 16.30 The Good Life 16.55 Songs of Praise 17.30 A Wild Summer's Day Orgies in June.

18.10 Natural World: Amber Time Machine 19.00 War at Sea: Six Weeks that Saved the Navy 20.00 SAS Desert: Are You Tough Enough? Series in which members of the public endure gruelling training with the notoriously tough SAS regiment. The ubiquitous Dermot O'Leary joins the raw recruits as they arrive in Namibia. Well, they were raw after a tussle or two with Derm.

21.00 Scrum V: Newport and Gwent Dragons v Leinster 21.50 Iran, a Murder Mystery: 22.50 Taking Care: Bella and the Boys Powerful romantic drama about children growing up in a care home, looking at the more positive aspects of life in such an institution. For ‘powerful’, read trite, generic and nauseating. For ‘romantic’, read... the same.

00.10 Rugby Special 00.55 Still Game 01.25 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Get Confident: The Tool Kit to Communicating: Making the Best of Yourself 03.00 The Tool Kit to Communicating: Talking with Others 04.00 Confidence Zone 1 05.00 Confidence Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Brilliant Creatures 09.45 How II 10.05 Art Attack 10.30 The Story Keepers 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Waterfront 12.30 That's Esther 13.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.00 Holiday Airport Cyprus 15.00 Agatha Christie's Poirot 17.00 New You've Been Framed! 17.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.50 Grass Roots Hywel James meets some of the characters who live in the Welsh countryside. In this edition, he meets a young farming family from Kent who recently moved with their 600 goats.

18.20 How to Holiday 18.45 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Robert says it with flowers to Katie on Valentine's Day, making the roses into a 15inch shaped cock. Then he realises he hasn’t taken the thorns out.

19.30 Coronation Street Maya surprises Dev with her new-found domesticity, and considering she learned it from a brothel, I think she’s done well.

They think Shake’n’Vac is something very different there.

20.00 The Royal 21.00 FILM: Unbreakable May be good, may not. I should trust TV Andy’s judgement, but he does own Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back... ** 22.55 ITV News 23.10 Hugh Pugh Presents... 23.40 Faith and Music 00.25 Paradise Found 00.55 Lads Army 01.50 Bridezillas 02.15 Today with Des and Mel 03.05 The Entertainers 03.30 Cybernet

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 ICC Cricket World 07.30 Football: South American Championship 08.00 Skiing on 4: World Cup 09.00 The Simple Life 09.30 The Grill 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Joe Millionaire UK 13.45 Star Trek: Enterprise 14.45 Property Ladder Revisited 15.35 Maniffesto 16.05 Xtra 16.35 Newyddion 16.45 Y Clwb Rygbi 19.00 Pobol y Cwm Will Mark's plan work on Gwyneth?

Probably: pregnant women are notoriously easy to trick.

19.30 Y Sioe Gelf: shoe golf.

20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cefn Gwlad: Aled Davies Dai Jones visits farmer and singer Aled Edwards and his family at Home Farm, Cilycwm, near Llandovery. The family's Limousin cattle have won accolades in shows and sales all over the country. Well, that boy’s got a fine life ahead of him, hasn’t he? If his larynx breaks he can always sit and admire his cows...

21.00 Amdani 21.55 Newyddion 22.10 Regency House Party: Pride and Prejudice 23.10 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 00.10 FILM: Sense and Sensibility Oooh, Alan Rickman being all dashing and big-dicked!

Can’t wait. Especially if he wearing tight breeches... Oh Alan, come to me now, you ravenhaired god of cock, come and ravage my mimsy to meltdown.

Everyone is looking at me...I think I was moaning whilst typing... *** 02.40 The Madness of King George ****

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 Dappledown Farm 07.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Oswald 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 The Ice Cream Machine 11.15 Aliens among Us 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Revelations 12.35 The Chart 13.05 five news update 13.15 FILM: Up Periscope ** 15.20 Robot Wars 16.20 Dream Holiday Home 16.50 five news and sport 17.10 FILM: Man of the House ** 19.00 Greatest Reality TV Moments Tess Daly and Richard Bacon present a countdown of 25 of the greatest reality television moments ever, as voted for by Five viewers.

Featuring Big Brother's Nick Bateman. Sounds great! Sort of. Well, if they include the Teen Big Brother sex moment I’m happy anyway.

20.00 Back to Reality Twelve reality television veterans compete for the chance to become King or Queen of reality TV and win a cash prize for their chosen charity.

Woo! I think this might be good - well, heat commends it. But then again, they keep putting Lizzy Bardsley in their pages....

21.00 A Mind to Kill 23.00 Back to Reality 00.05 Alias 00.55 NHL Ice Hockey Los Angeles Kings at New Jersey Devils

BBC3 are lazy bastards, aren’t they? They don’t even get started till seven.

19.00 Little Angels 19.30 Little Angels 20.00 Liquid Assets: Justin and Britney's Millions Er, I hate to tell you, BBC3, but they have actually split up...

21.00 Shaun Ryder: The Ecstasy and the Agony 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps would be very very nice now, as I am feeling the tang of sobriety in the air... need alcohol!

22.30 Catterick Episodic comedy written by and starring Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer.

Brothers Chris and Carl, reunited after 15 years, are searching for Carl's estranged son Paul.

Oh BBC3, why do you taunt us?

I need this now...

23.00 Nighty Night 23.30 Jordan: You Don't Even Know Me but you’re all familiar with my flange/norks.

00.25 Coke E and Weed 00.55 Liquid Assets 01.55 Shaun Ryder 02.50 Top 50 Cultural Movers and Shakers Number 1: me.

09.25 American Idol 3 10.15 American Idol 3 10.40 Love on a Saturday Night 11.40 Love on a Saturday Night 12.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.00 Coronation Street Special - Tracey Barlow Exposed 19.00 Celebrities Exposed 20.00 American Idol 3 20.50 American Idol 3 21.15 It's Good to Be...

Michael Jackson Well no, not really... don’t these TV people read the papers?

21.40 Planet's Funniest Animals 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 Celebrities Exposed Not actually a programme about flashing celebs, but depressingly about the ‘psychological’ problesm that they all suffer. Oh, poor them with their money and fame...23.30 It's Good to Be...

Michael Jackson 00.00 Cold Feet 01.00 The Naked Truth 01.30 The Naked Truth 02.00 Teleshopping 03.00 Club Reps The Workers Uncut 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.00 Trisha

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 Looney Tunes Back in Action 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Captain Scarlet 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Max Magic 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Scrubs 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Sex on the Job Oh, if only I could liven up my time in here with someone adequately frisky...

23.00 Porno Valley 23.30 Fear Factor 00.30 Really Caught in the Act 01.30 Super Fires 02.30 Cribs 02.40 Cops 03.05 Cops 03.30 Gamezville 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek

10.00 The Salon Live How boring must this be? It’s bad enough that this is still going on when it should have died a death long ago, but to be on for seven hours? That’s unnecessary and wrong, especailly as they could be showing Darkplace or something.

19.00 The Grill 19.30 Union Jack 20.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 A Wife for William Featuring British aristocracy, though not myself, local Cardiff dame as I am, as I had arrangements with my ‘Squirty Peter’...

23.00 Trigger Happy USA Not particularly funny, as a) we’ve seen it all before, and b) it’s in America where things are always less funny, apart from George W choking on a pretzel.

23.30 The Secret Life of Us 00.30 The Bronx Bunny Show 00.55 The 46th Annual Grammy Awards 02.30 A Wife for William 02.55 Trigger Happy USA 03.20 Union Jack

As S4C, except: 06.05 Animal Alphabet 09.00 T4: Friends 09.30 T4: Popworld 10.25 T4: Hollyoaks 12.55 T4: Friends 13.30 T4: The Simple Life 14.00 T4: The Grill 14.35 T4: Friends 15.10 T4: Will and Grace 15.45 T4: Stargate SG-1 16.40 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 17.30 Time Team 18.30 Scrapheap Challenge: The Scrappy Races See what they did there? It should have been the Wacky races, see?

19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 21.00 FILM: Sense and Sensibility See above. *** 23.35 FILM: The Portrait of a Lady *** 02.10 The Story of the Novel: Great Expectations 03.05 Truel Short 03.15 Forbidden Fruit 04.15 Maidens of the Lost Ark 05.00 Countdown 05.45 The Zack Files Comedy drama series about a boy who explores the world on the other side of the bathroom mirror. Zack drinks some lemon juice used as invisible ink and becomes invisible himself. What an idea!

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Matt’s Problem Page

February 9 2004

Page 31

grproblempage@cf.ac.uk

Problem of the Week

Bo My housemate really stinks of BO. His room stinks all the time and after he’s had a shower there is a really minging smell in the bathroom. We don’t think he has any deodorant and it’s really nauseating at times. Help us, oh Matt!

Yours in cleanliness Anon, Roath Wow, you’re about as witty as Ebola. My favoured advice has usually centred upon violence, but seeing as it’s oh-so-cool (or should that be kewl? I haven’t consulted the street punks today) to be armed or in adoration of violence I’ll refrain. Dove anti-perspirant usually helps long-suffering victims of foul body odour. It can ruin black T-shirts mind, so be careful. Kindly purchase some for him, and leave it in a brown

One day our kids will grow up in a disease ridden, nuclear bomb-scathed world, and in that world people will shoot at each other, and the police will all be corrupt, nefarious buggers with a vendetta against people in wheelchairs. This society will thrive on a diet of stray cats, and will probably have nothing left as fuel but the dead. Because, apparently, FACT, (that is, the Federation Against Copyright Theft) cite that piracy funds… wait for it…

TERRORISM. Wow! I bet writing that makes me a terrorist in itself. That as I type in glorified journalistic fashion a satellite is priming a big bastard of a camera to start shadowing my actions, and that my teddies are in fact small thermo-nuclear devices.

It makes sense of course, to blame people using Kazaa for low-flying planes, and the poor computer games enthusiast for the mindless slaughter of innocents in a shopping centre. Because of COURSE the distributors of the films want us to believe that a bazooka can in fact be manufactured from ten thousand CD-R’s, whilst coincidentally neglecting the truth that all these big media conglomerates are really responsible for arming the world. Not to go all pseudo-punk/Michael Moore in your face, because I don’t really care, but in honesty, that made me grin. Not to say piracy is good (but it really is, if you think about overdraft vs RRP) but if you want a Handy Tip, then stop saying "random". Because it’s a fucking SHIT word. How random. How random. How random. FUCK OFF.

bomb package-esque bundle outside his room. Twat the door with a fire extinguisher but remember to put it back, otherwise if your house starts to burn down then you’re probably going to pass away. Oui, that would probably drop him the hint, poor chap. I do sympathise, it was always the smelly kids that gave people diseases at school.

As for the bathroom, may I recommend bleach. Notable uses for bleach include a) Removal of faeces from younger sibling’s eyes b) de-staining the toilet c) bleaching drawing pins white, through (surprisingly) intense whitening process. After which you can leave them on the floor of the bath tub, so that cunningly disguised, they will puncture his feet. Optional placement of digital video camera may of course be a Source Of Amusement™.

Matt

Rabbit Rabbit Dear Matt, I'm extremely upset; as you may know the last series of Sex And The City is hitting our TV screens in the next few weeks.

I'm devastated. What the hell am I going to do without my regular dose of wacky outfits, blowjob discussions and postfeminism? I'm so lost Matt, please help me.

Kate No, unfortunately I had no idea that the final series was being aired. Clearly abstinence has had no detriment to my life. When you say ‘devastated’, do you mean “shit, someone just ran my cat over” devastated? Or is it more “shit, I just caught SARS and someone appears to have blown up the Beecham’s factory” devastated? Then again, they aren’t exactly polarised examples of devastation. You could always feel like your left hand has fallen off, or the consequences of your mum punching you in the face for being a trollop.

When you say ‘wacky outfits’ do you refer to that über-chinned one wearing a Monroe-esque ponced up floaty dress? Only I

Freudian Dear gair rhydd, The walls in my house are really thin and for the last few weeks my housemate has been saying REALLY weird things in his sleep. I’m in the room next door and can practically hear him all the time when he’s in. Thing is, he keeps saying things about my girlfriend and it’s really starting to upset me. Do you think he’s seeing her behind my back? I wouldn’t be so fussed if it was a oneoff, and the first time it was funny, but now it’s really getting to me because it’s happening so regularly. What can I do to remedy the problem? I don’t think my girlfriend would be too happy as she gets quite defensive about things when I confront her.

Yours hopefully, Second year Biology

A simple solution would be the covert infiltration of his room during the night. This may well involve the utilisation of coat hangers. Upon arrival, you could put a sock in his mouth. Or maybe you could actually tie your girlfriend to his feet. Either way, a swift disposal might offer sanctuary for your nocturnal predicament. However, that would absolve everything a little too easily. And plus, we’re living in Matt-land right there. Arbitrary links to excessive violence are wonderful.

Just confront him about it, because it’s not entirely fair that he shouts vulgar comments about your girlfriend. Although it would be funny, and I’d laugh in your face if I heard it. He probably is seeing her, because your face is a little too asymmetrical.

I can’t quite fathom it, in truth. Partitioned walls are clearly the way forward though, I don’t think society would quite work without the joys of voyeurism, and I wouldn’t have a great big moonfaced beam on my chops if your mate didn’t claim to be porking your woman. Blunt of me, oui, but unavoidably true. Bedroom Tourette’s! Woohoo!

Matt

Imagine a world in which parents carried their children in one hand, by the face.

That’s what I’ve been considering this week. If you’re poorly in the head then send me an email and I’ll endeavour to control the rest of your life.

Matt Hill always manage to see the opening 30 seconds and then accidentally stamp on the remote control. Sarah Jessica Tramp and friends poncing about in dresses fashioned from bin bags whilst wanging HBO-endorsed Rampant Rabbits at each other? Is that the post-feminism you talk about?

It’s original to have successful women documented, and that the protagonists represent a wider equality, but then to have them simultaneously treat men like shit, surely they in fact adopt the stereotype of the pseudoCasanova? The shallowness of that somehow belies the idea of re-addressing gender boundaries by appropriating male knobbishness on to women, and then claiming that that’s alright. Is that the post-feminism you talk about? Because I wonder, if feminism (in the way you seem to have explained) centres upon prefixing words with "post" and blowjobs then thank god Sex And The City is finishing. Aye, they all get married at the end and I bet that the fat bastard man sat at the very top of the HBO ladder is giggling as he throws (disgustingly coloured) vibrators at the commuters 50,000 stories below.

Watch Neighbours instead.

Sour grapes Dear Matt, My girlfriend keeps asking me to get my testicles waxed. She’s obsessed with The Salon and thinks it would improve my sexual performance because I’d feel smooth. I am terrified of the idea, but wonder if she’d finish with me if I didn’t at least try and meet her desires. I don’t know what to do about it because I don’t want someone pulling my pubes out. Do you think I should do it to make her happy or should I just say no?

Name and year withheld

Big trouble. Perhaps you ought to question your position in the relationship. Why exactly does she require you to improve your sexual performance? It almost speaks for itself. Perhaps she likes grapes. Although that’s a little too contrived. If your girlfriend is going to finish you on principal of having bald nads, or not, it leaves other issues open to interpretation. Like whether you’re actually a nice person. If you do it, then make sure you have prepared an auxiliary plan. Like a waffle to the chops and an ultimatum. Bald nads or face-meets-wall.

Testicles. Pretty fucking stupid really.

Matt

Karl : Deteriorating You see, Karl Kennedy was once at the top of the male soap star hierarchy. He had style, he had the dashing looks, and he had a hot wife. Of late, though, we have seen the decline of this great man to an impoverished, malnutritioned tramp, falling in love with a man-eating bear of a woman, with severe mental trauma in tow. I ask, why has Neighbours done this to Karl? Why have they seen it fit to destroy what little class the programme had maintained? I wonder, is this, in fact, the end for Erinsborough as we know it? I am beginning to think so. Put down the wine Karl, and step away from the shebitch.

Matt

Boys x Girls = fun times I really fancy this guy but my best friend fancies him too. She doesn’t know that I know that she also fancies him, but she keeps asking me questions about how it’s going as if she’s checking up on me all the time. I’m thinking of making a move soon but I really don’t want to upset my friend. We’re really close but I worry that if he turns me down then she’ll just jump straight in. We have to live together next year and there’s a small possibility he might as well, because we’re all in the same group of mates. What should I say or do?

Thanks Matt, Anon Why do people insist on falling for the same person? It’s all a bit selfish. It’s not like you can’t go and sit in a pub and peruse men there, or

even just sit in your lecture and peruse the men THERE. But alas, you have decided to fall for the chap that your mate has. I don’t get it.

Stupid Bastard Person syndrome. Are you the type of friends who share tampons as well? Kind of like Sweet Valley High, but with toiletries. Sorry, I digress, I just don’t know how too approach girls that fall for the same guy. It’s a bit stupid, isn’t it? Are you better looking than your friend? That might be advantageous. If you’re not, you can do wonders with hair dye, and even if that’s a little too temporary, hair straighteners to the face with a twist of hairspray for good measure.

Ceramic plating never smelled so good. If she’s prepared to steal your blokey, then perhaps you ought to reconsider the nature of your friendship - is she actually just friends with you because Daddy bought you a car? Or is it because you have that massive George Foreman grill?

Give it to me? I own toasted sandwiches. No, really. Have fun.

Matt

Five Minute Fun

Page 32

Febuary 9 2004

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

The Half-Arsed Quiz 1. Who is the sexiest actor in EastEnders, but unfortunately has the worst name?

2. Who is responsible for the comeback of the outrageous leather catsuit?

3. Optimus Prime was the leader of which gang?

4. What is the ‘reverse cow girl’?

5. If Yoda and Jordan got in a fracas, who would win?

6. What was the debut single of the Scissor Sisters?

7. How much bigger does the World’s Best Penis Enlarger claim to make a man’s modesty?

8. What’s the best way a lady can spend an evening?

9. What’s the best way a man can spend an evening?

10. Mike’s warm fuzzy partner in Monsters Inc is called what?

1. Nigel Harman (mmmm) 2. Justin Hawkins (whoever thought Mercur y suits could be so damn sexy!)

3. Transformers 4. Fantastic sexual position 5. Yoda, cos he kicked ass in the last film 6. Laura (that’s my name by the way!) 7. 6cm longer and 2.5cm thicker (apparently) 8. Box of chocolates, bottle of wine, Sex And The City DVD slog 9. Baby oil and Granny likes big black cocks too 10. Sully To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple, yes purple, competition boxes around the union. So here comes the tiebreaker...

Write a limerick about Tom Selleck’s moustache? _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ Well this takes the biscuit... one response. One fucking response, sorry but I can’t hide my disgust at the sheer laziness of students. I’m tempted to keep the FREE meal for myself (how The Sun was that emphasis on the important words, watch out GR, I’m moving on up to the ranks of obscurity with tabloid journalism). Rachel Juffs come on down. Your absolutely pathetic answer very unfortunately wins the prize. Although I don’t wanna give it to you, cos Mr T wasn’t even the character’s name... muppet!

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick).

Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

Phrase of the we e k Well I was disappointed with last week’s response, or should I say lack of, to my classic phrase. I’m being serious when I say I want to hear these terms around uni. Members of the opposite sex will instantly find you exceptionally cool and will have to be restrained from ripping your clothes off and taking you there and then on the cold hard floor*. OK, I got a little carried away there but you get my point. *Not scientifically proven information.

‘kin ‘ell mate Use as an alternative to the slightly redundant “fucking hell mate”. On the plus side: you can say it quickly enough to members of authority and academia, without getting bollocked.

Kill Kenada, Kill Kenada, Kill Kenada, Kill Kenada, Kill Kenada,

OK, I know this is just a shameless plug for my mate’s band, but they are absolutely wicked and y’all should check em out on February 16 at Barfly!

Joke Corner Considering it’s almost that dreadful time for singletons, and that magically romantic day for couples (and by that I mean the girl in the relationship), I thought it was about time we took the piss out of men, although we don’t need a Hallmark holiday for that... every day is appropriate.

Q. How do you make a bloke’s eyes light up?

A. Shine a torch in his ear.

Q. What’s the best place to hide a fella’s birthday present?

A. The washing basket.

Q. Why are blokes like microwaves?

A. They both get hot in 15 seconds.

And have you heard about the new Viagra eyedrops? They’re not much good, they just make blokes look hard.

Funny Faces

Now this is what I call humour!

I find myself strangely attracted to the De Niro outcome.

Why don’t you try it yourself at home, you crazy kids? It’s certainly a highly productive time filler, I think.

gair rhydd

BEN CHARMS THE COBRAS

BEN LLOYD

Cardiff Cobras entertain Ben on his latest weird weekend

gair rhydd talks to the 1st XV rugby star

See page 35

See page 35 PHOTO: Nick Parnell

COME AND GET US Cardiff ready for Varsity UW CARDIFF 85 SOUTHAMPTON 7

By Thom Airs PREPARATIONS FOR THE forthcoming Varsity match continued on the right track for Cardiff’s first XV as they ran in a massive 13 tries against a lacklustre Southampton University.

Despite heavy rain all week, the Llanrumney pitch stood up well to Cardiff’s powerful forwards as they thoroughly out-played and out-muscled the side from the South Coast.

The first half was all Cardiff ’s as they totalled seven tries without reply.

Tom Lambert’s 40 yard dance through the Southampton back line showed great individual skill, whilst Owen Gruffydd went over to cap a great team move on 20 minutes. Fly half Lawson, with the wind at his back,

managed to convert all of the first half tries.

After the restart, Cardiff seemed to ease-off slightly and Southampton ventured out of their own half for virtually the first time. The concerted pressure paid off five minutes after the interval as they managed a converted try.

However, it was not long before Cardiff recaptured the form they showed in the first period. Captain James Cole was leading from the front and, with the forwards driving forcefully, ran in two powerful tries. Out on the flanks Baxter scored a wellworked try that owed a great deal to the ball-carrying skill of Morris on the left wing. The swirling wind was making conversion attempts difficult for Lawson, with the ball stopping short of the posts. At 66-7 midway through the second half though, this was hardly cause for concern.

As the game moved in to its final quarter, some swift, confident passing

along the back line showed that Cardiff were enjoying this game and Southampton offered little resistance as Cardiff confirmed their overwhelming superiority. On the right wing, Madden out-paced four Southampton backs to run in a try in the far corner and on the left side of the field Ian Dick skilfully set-up Matthew Perkins for a try that summed up Cardiff’s dominance.

In the last quarter, Southampton let their heads drop and the fresh legs of Cardiff’s substitutes meant that all the action took place in and around Southampton’s twenty-two.

At the final whistle the score read 85-7, a comprehensive victory to boost confidence before the showdown with Swansea at the Brewery Fields. Coach Adrian Evans was delighted with his team’s performance, “The focus from the boys really is outstanding. We’re set up to beat UWE next week and that should roll us nicely into the varsity match”

WASHOUT

By James Cooke DESPITE SURVIVING the entire pre-christmas fixtures, IMG football and rugby suffered the inevitable consequence of prolonged rain on the ever absorbent Pontcanna fields. All 20 scheduled fixtures were cancelled by Tuesday afternoon in an effort to secure some half-decent pitches for the remainder of the season.

While the decision was probably necessary, most IMG players could testify to having played in far worse conditions than were seen on Wednesday. Centre circle and goal mouth swamps are an accepted normality through the winter months and whilst such conditions might not be akin to ‘sexy football’, they make for a damn good scrap.

“The pitches are poor at the best of times, we desperately need some points so we want to be out there.

Perhaps we should simply accept the implications of our temperate climate and get on with the game come rain or shine,” commented Planderlecht manager, Jonathan Markwell.

Pontcanna under water

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMANS IN PETERBOROUGH ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■VARSITY PULL-OUT IS DOING MY HEAD IN ■ ALEX WANTS THOM AIR,S BUM■ ANNA-STOP SNAPPING■ FOZZY IS GOD