gair rhydd - Issue 755

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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

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ISSUE 755. February 16

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Union evacuation chaos

SATURDAY NIGHT FURORE

UNION STEPS: Dangerous route of evacuation?

Student deliberately sets off Solus fire alarm

By Peter Bramwell News Editor

A FIRE ALARM in Come Play last Saturday caused chaos as hundreds of students were forced to evacuate onto the union steps.

It is believed the alarm was started after an unknown student smashed the glass of an alarm point in Solus. Police are treating the incident with suspicion.

In the ensuing confusion, one girl was left unconscious for 20 minutes after she slipped and hit her head.

The 21-year-old, who wishes to be left unnamed, tumbled down the top flight of steps. 1,600 people are thought to have been forced to evacuate the Taf and Solus at around 11.30pm via the front steps.

Witness to the incident, second year English student, Matthew Bailey, said, "People were totally left to their own devices, wandering around the back and sides of the union building with absolutely no sign of authority to take control and organise.

"It was clear to me that those connected with the running of union security were totally unprepared for any such emer-

gency."

But Union Bars manager, Keith Owen, has hit back, saying the union did all they could in the situation.

He said, "The fire department were called straight away and we evacuated people in the building on to the walk-ways within four minutes, which is a good time.

"The problems we had were later on when students kept climbing in through windows and through fire exits. It delayed the whole process much further.”

Story continued on page 2

WANT TO RUN THE UNION? ELECTION NOMINATIONS CLOSE THIS THURSDAY. SEE PAGE 10 FOR DETAILS

News

Page 2

February 16 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

At

a glance

News Icarus Editorial Politics Letters Health Taf Od Jobs & Money Media Competitions Varsity TV Listings Listings Comedy Problem Sport

1 7 8 10 11 12 14 15 16 18 19 31 40 42 44

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS AJ Silvers EDITORIAL AND OPINION A.J Silvers SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS James Anthony GRAB Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr, Angharrad George MEDIA Gary Andrews JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund PROOF READERS Rob Sharples, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Mike Rabjohns CONTRIBUTORS Jeremy Townsend, Emma Hughes, Rebecca Loven, Jim Sefton, Matthews Ramsden, Ben Wright, John Stanton, Hywel Bevan, James Cooke, Thom Airs, James Cole, Toby Rigden, Bethan Skelton, Edward John, Rhys Teifi, Mark Broad, Alison White, Ruth Dickinson, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, David Jarmain, Sarah Ahmad, Dan Keel, David Morris, Lindsay Gowlett, Janine Jones, David Wills, Daniel Evans, Will Talmage, Mark Jenkins, Claire Woods, Stephen Fishbourne, David Morris, Steph Eagleton, Nicola York, Tom Brown

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Union fire alarm chaos Story continued from front He added, "At that point we didn’t know whether there was a fire or not and students were trying to get back in.

It was raining outside and cold, but our main concern was safety.

No fire was detected in the building.

A friend of the accident victim, who was present on the evening said," She fell from the top straight down the steps without hitting the barrier.

Luckily, my friends put her in the recovery position because they were student nurses and knew what to do.

"When people were walking back up the steps they took little regard for her. Paramedics took her away on a stretcher but they had to shout ‘get out of the way’ because people didn’t seem to care.

The victim woke up in the ambulance but cannot remember the incident.

Mr Owen said, "We phoned an ambulance immediately, and stayed with her until it arrived. We took statements from two guys who said the girl was on the top of the steps with a guy.

She fell backwards because she lost his support, not because she was pushed. gair rhydd has received a number of complaints from students on the night claiming the evacuation process was dangerous because of the sheer numbers of people spilling out into such a small place.

Third year engineering student, Joe Saunders, 21, said, "One man with a megaphone is not enough to control a crowd of a thousand students.

"There should be more organised methods of evacuation and another fire escape for so many people. This wouldn’t happen in Germany."

Mr Owen said in response to this, "Students should leave things to the people who know what they are doing.

The majority of students were okay, but a tiny percentage spoiled it for others. Safety is the main concern. The emphasis is that if the students are outside they are safe and we can get on with the task.""The person who set the alarm off is ultimately responsible for this."

STUDENT

By Will Talmage Reporter SEVERAL CARDIFF University ened with a hammer by one of the at all times.

By setting up tents and isolating students have been actively contractor’s security guards. the area, the squatters have creTo avoid eviction, four protesting to stop a bypass carvated an area known as a protesters must ing up a South Wales town.

‘Section 6’. This means that remain Work is currently by law, contractors cannot onunderway on the high touch it. site security scheme near Well-known activist and Blackwood, a town Cardiff University postgradhalf an hour north of uate, Ian Brown, is taking a Cardiff leading role in the The project is set to protests. destroy acres of ancient He last featured in woodland and habigair rhydd and the tat of several pronational press in tected species October, after including attempting a citidoormice and zen’s arrest on bats.

Tony Blair at the Protestors Labour Party have set up conference in camp in the Bournemouth. woods in a desThe project perate attempt has also been to halt the slated by local resfelling of trees idents. 4,800 of since Monday them recently signed February 2. a petition objecting But the camto the construction paign has been of the road. dogged by scanDespite the dalous allegations, uproar, the contractor and tension between Costain, the company the protesters and behind such projects as contractors is increasthe Thames barrier and ing. the Channel Tunnel One of the proteshas continued to work tors was allegedly hit ALRIGHT GUV’: Angry words are exchanged between on the bypass. on the head and threat-

Cardiff Uni protesor Ian Brown and construction workers

See student opinion below

t e e r t s e h t n o d r Wo

MICHELLE LOUTH, 1ST YEAR COMMUNICATIONS

SARAH PRENDERGAST, 1ST YEAR COMMUNICATION

, CHARLOTTE HANLEY 1ST YEAR E ENGLISH LITERATUR

“

“

t out, and We were told to ge the club, were shoved out of wn the do ing rg with ever yone su ine expla d what stairs. No-one really was going on.

”

by Paul Dicken

Everyone was asked to go down e wanted to move the steps, but no-on outside the taf d and everyone staye g. The bouncers nin rai s wa because it bottom of the the told us to move to was really stairs, but no-one m. the to ing listen

”

“

bouncers The were quite aggress off some people, sive -they took drink ying that if you re we sa and not others. They irs you wouldn’t be let sta the d. didn’t get down seem very organise back in. They didn’t stay in good spirits, to People were trying didn’t really rs ce un bo the which appreciate.

”

February 16 2004

News

Page 3

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

HEROES Photos: Will Talmage

A spokesperson for the contractor said, "We’re here to do a civil engineering project - which we will do, keeping safety paramount and working with the community on it."

One Cardiff University researcher is urging students to support the protest.

Protestor Dr. Alex Powers, a researcher in the sociology department, told gair rhydd, “The protest is going really well, we have the tactical advantage.

“Costain weren’t expecting such a co-ordinated resistance but we desperately need more people in order to keep them on the run."

The cost to the tax-payer has escalated from £11 million to an estimated £54 million.

The effect that the bypass will have on Blackwood is uncertain. Supporters of the project say that the bypass will boost the local economy and generate 5,000 much needed jobs, although this figure is unlikely to materialise according to the local MP. This is compounded by local fears that it will lead Blackwood to stagnate as traff ic will be diverted away from the town.

The construction of the road involves destroying a Site of Special Scientific Interest, a designated protected area. While an objec-

By Mark Jenkins Reporter

tion has been taken to the European Courts, no ruling has yet been passed and construction will continue.

The question remains - at what point do the benef its of economic growth outweigh the costs to the natural world?

CAMPED OUT: The protestors set up camp to stop the chainsaws.

£4.5 million for mental illness research

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has been awarded £4.5million for use in research into brain disease and mental illness.

The investment, being made by the Medical Research Council, will be paid to the merged Cardiff University and University of Wales College of Medicine over the next five years.

Teams at both institutions will research neurodegenerative disorders such as Alzheimer’s disease, as well as mental illnesses like depression and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

The College of Medicine’s Psychological Medicine, Medical Genetics and Medicine departments will work with the university’s School of Biosciences on the project.

Professor Steve Dunnett, of Biosciences, said, "We are delighted at the news of this award."

He added, "It highlights the ever closer collaboration between ourselves and colleagues in the College of Medicine, working together to transform basic experimental research into the next generation of effective treatments."

The project will investigate the genetic origins of various conditions, and will hopefully lead to the development of new treatments.

Part of the award the will fund further y b d e y destro bypass research into neural t will be a h t t s e transplants. for t of the r a The School of Biosciences P : T ISE LOS already has experience with such PARAD transplants, and they could one day help sufferers of Huntington’s and Parkinson’s disease.

One of the protesters was

allegedly hit on the head and threatened with a hammer

News

Page 4

16 February 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Man behind the Dragon

Peter Bramwell and John Collingridge quiz David Williams on his role as Political Editor for BBC Wales and presenter of its flagship current affairs programme, Dragon’s Eye Tell us how you got to where you are now?

I did journalism at college and then went to work for the Evening Post in Swansea for two years as a junior reporter. I then became an industrial correspondent. I came to the BBC as a radio producer in 1976 then shortly after that went over to television as a reporter for Wales Today. After five years I went across to HTV and did ten years in current affairs, and then became producer/director in documentaries. Then I went back to the BBC as producer of Wales Today.

Then deserted again, and did a number of documentaries with my own company. And then I came back here!

gair rhydd directory

What would you say is the aim of Dragons Eye? Would you say you are a Paxman figure for Wales?

People keep saying that I am a poor man’s Paxman. I don’t set out to do that. What you see is what you get. I have great respect for him. He takes a guiding principle from something that was said to him by a former editor when he used to work at a Yorkshire paper. When he sits across the table from a politician, he says, ‘Why’s that lying bastard lying to me?’ But you have to be a lot more polite now.

Dragon’s Eye is in a different mould to most political programmes in that they tend to report what they see around them in a very matter of

University Switchboard Union Switchboard

fact way. And there is a relationship between political journalism and politicians. That is something that has been criticised in surveys that the BBC has done, following the very low turnout at the last general election.

There is a great concern about the democratic deficit and so on. Public perception is that political reporters are too comfortable with politicians.

The aim at Dragon’s Eye is to do investigative journalism, and that’s uncomfortable viewing.

Do you think there has been a marked change in television coverage of politics - especially on the BBC news - from being objective to now more headline grabbing and attention seeking?

That’s a difficult one. I think a huge amount of coverage is devoted to politics. Politics enters every single facet of life. I think it has a higher profile than ever, but they are the government and they do control and influence our lives, so the scrutiny should be commensurate with what they are. Popular opinion seems to suggest that people are less and less interested in politics.

What you are suggesting is that perhaps we are ratcheting it up in a desperate attempt to make it more interesting. I don’t think it is like that, but I do think there is a real concern about why politics isn’t engaging with young people. Young people tend to see politics in a different way to perhaps a more traditional coverage. They see things in global terms, environmental terms and local issue terms, rather than ideological terms and the kind of coverage we are used to. That’s why Dragon’s Eye tries to depart from that. We look at different ways of generating the debate and almost getting across political coverage by stealth. Sometimes events themselves grab the head-

02920 874000 02920 781000

UNION SABBATICAL OFFICERS (02920 781…)

Finnbarr Graham President Rami Goussous Societies & Union Secretary Mike Rabjohns Finance & Commercial Services Emma Bebington Communications & Community Natasha Hettihewa Equal Opportunities & Welfare Billy Lee Academic Affairs Tristan Thomas Gair Rhydd Editor Tom Brown Athletic Union President NON SABBATICAL OFFICERS Raymond Motsie Black & Ethnic Affairs Officer João Martins International Students Officer Lee Gregory Gay & Bisexual Mens Officer Sarah Rennie Students with Disabilities Anna Gruffudd Welsh Affairs Officer Caralyn Richards Women’s Officer Nitin Garg Postgraduate Officer Karen Sharp Xpress Radio Station Manager Alex Macpherson Gair Rhydd Deputy Editor Phillip Moody Athletic Union Vice President Bethan Skelton Athletic Union Vice President Beca Murphy IMG Chair STUDENT SERVICES Position Unfilled Student Liaison Officer Keith Cronin Transport Assisiant Huw Roberts Translator John Steele Training & Development Co-Ordinator JOB SHOP Jayne Howorth Unistaff Co-Ordinator ATHLETIC UNION Nick King Sports Development Co-Ordinator Marian Coxshall AU Administrator Adrian Evans Rugby Development RECEPTION Glenys Willacott Reception (Morning) Karen Clissold Reception (Afternoon)

lines like Blair, Iraq, Weapons of Mass Destruction etc. But we need to be careful we don’t get stuck in a loop of our own and don’t look outside that.

Do you think that with the benefit of attracting more viewers, and in particular a younger audience, can using a more Punch and Judy style risk over simplifying complex political issues?

“Young people tend to see politics differently, in global terms, environmental terms and local issue terms” Well I think you’ve got so make it understandable for a mass audience, and that audience changes from 6 pm to 10 pm to 6 pm. You’ve got half an hour to distil the most important events from at home and abroad, and also reflect the interests of what is essentially a consumerist society. Yes I think there is a danger that you can over simplify it and make it too showbiz. But then you look at the evidence that politics has no interest and is dull, so there has to be a marriage where you make it understandable and also reflect where they’re coming from.

Would you say you cover politics in a different way at BBC Wales to England?

I think we are not afraid to do it differently. We do it with a little bit of humour and sometimes with our tongues firmly in cheek. We poke fun at the individuals and institutions we cover, because it is nice to deflate the

UNIVERSITY

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The University Health Centre 47 Park Place 02920 874810 GrahamF Director of Student Services GoussousR1 47 Park Place RabjohnsM 02920 874669 BebingtonE Student Advisory Services HettihewaL1 47 Park Place 02920 874844 LeeB5 Dyslexia Resource Centre ThomasT4 2nd Floor 45 Park Place BrownT3 02920 874528 Careers Service MotsieM 02920 874828 MartinsJ2 Students with Disabilities/Specific Needs GregoryL4 02920 874610 RennieS Day Care Centre GruffuddA 02920 874135 RichardsC Student Advisory Service GargN2 02920 874844 SharpK Nightline MacphersonA3 148 Colum Road MoodyP1 02920 223993 SkeltonB1 Academic Registry MurphyB2 02920 874404

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Reception Reception

FACILITIES Park Place Fitness and Racquets Centre 02920 876 06 Talybont Sports Centre 02920 874675 Llanrumney Playing Fields 02920 777377 RESOURCE CENTRES Opening hours in semester Mon to Fri 8.45am - 9.30pm Saturday 10am - 5.30pm Sundays (Arts and Social Studies, Law and Trevithick only ) 12 noon – 5pm

DAVID WILLIAMS: Wales’ answer to Paxman? pomposity sometimes. Politicians can get extremely self important and they should remember that they are only there for as long as the electorate thinks they are fit to be there. And we try to scrutinise this using investigative journalism. Politicians are uncomfortable with Dragons Eye, and uncomfortable with me.

Do you think there is a danger, though, that political coverage is becoming too cynical, and that everyone always assumes that politicians are dishonourable?

That is an accusation that is levelled at us all the time. What you should under-

stand is that Dragon’s Eye is only one political programme in a much bigger coverage in BBC Wales. It is a huge output. The scrutiny and investigative part of Dragon’s Eye is important, but other parts have to reflect a bigger picture. We can easily fall in to the trap of saying all politicians are bad. I don’t believe that they are. Why the hell would you want to be a politician? It’s a pretty thankless task. You have to work your socks off, and they do. But they have to be answerable, and that is where we come in. BBC Wales is a hugely important vehicle for conveying information and we are aware of that. We have to cover the broad spectrum.

gair rhydd weather courtesy of the BBC

News

February 16 2004

Page 5

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Rising house prices in Wales

By Claire Woods Reporter HOUSE PRICES in Wales are rising faster than anywhere else in Britain.

Figures published by the Land Registry - the organisation that records all property sales in the UK- show that house prices in Wales have increased by 24.6 per cent from last year.

The average cost of a Welsh house is now £111, 272 but is still one of the cheapest places to purchase property in the UK. Cardiff is the third most expensive place to buy a house in Wales, costing on average £145,318.

Monmouthshire is the most expensive place to buy a house in Wales at £164,320, followed by the Vale of Glamorgan at £148,358.

The rise in house prices has been attributed to the ripple effect from soaring London property prices an average house in London costs £260,659, rising by 7.8 per cent from last year, compared to the Welsh rise of 24.6 per cent.

This rise in Cardiff house prices could increase the cost of many rented properties by students.

Maria Al-Haddad, from Cardiffs Students’ Union Advice Centre said, "Rent lists have already been published for the next academic year by landlords, so this will not have an effect on rent costs for students." She added, "However it may have an impact in the following year on rent charges.”

Increased housing costs alongside growing student debt may cause many graduates to be forced to live with their parents. Rebecca Sully, final year English Literature undergraduate said, "After accumulating three year’s worth of student debt, there is no way I could afford to live in Cardiff when I finish university, even though I would love to.”

FROM CLASS B TO C BUT STILL ILLEGAL

Rebels could still kill bill

By Stephen Fishbourne Reporter

CANNABIS: users could still be arrested

Confusion over new legislation

By David Morris Reporter AS OF JANUARY 29 Cannabis has been reclassified from a Class B to a Class C category.

But the downgrading of the drug has led to widespread confusion, and despite its new label Cannabis will still be illegal.

PC Bob Keohane of South Wales Police is keen to stress that “The change in class only impacts on the penalties available in the courts and does not in any way alter police procedures.”

Unless there are ‘aggravating factors’, adults caught with cannabis

Quotes of the week “I don’t go along with this theory that we all have to be moulded to look like people we see in magazines”

will not be arrested but will have the drug removed and a warning will be given.

Juveniles aged 17 or under caught with cannabis will still be arrested. Under the new class C category, users are only likely to be arrested and prosecuted for using Cannabis after repeated warnings a similar position to class B category.

Previously, possession of a Class C drug was not an arrestable offence but Cannabis’s downgrading has been accompanied by new legislation allowing police to arrest users.

The confusion has led some users to believe they will be able to smoke

in public, and ‘hash bars’ springing up in parts of the country.

The underlying message is that re-classif ication has only ‘formalised a trend’ of concentrating on Class A drugs such as cocaine and heroin.

It is estimated that up to 3.5 million people used cannabis last year.

South Wales Police are worried that the high level of drug abuse is leading to increases in thefts of “almost epidemic proportions”.

Thefts of bags and phones are the most common targets with gangs targeting licensed premises and Creation in particular. The message is not to leave bags unattended.

LOCALFOCUS:

Joely Richardson: on cosmetic surgery

“Beauty is less than skin deep. It’s irrelevant. If you entertain girls, they’ll stick with you. If you’re boring they’ll walk away”

NAME OCCUPATION

Michael Winner: on the secrets of his “sex appeal”

LIVES

Mr Somalik Tanti’s Fish & Chip shop owner Cathays

THE UNIVERSITY reform bill bringing in tuition fees of £3,000 could still be defeated by rebel MPs if they vote against key aspects of the bill as it passes through the Commons.

Alan Johnson, Higher Education minister, said that if the rebels vote against parts of the bill then the whole package will be scrapped.

He warned that if the bill was defeated then the government would drop the new support mechanisms for students which the rebels worked so hard to secure.

Mr Johnson maintains that the bill is in the best interests of students, especially those from working class backgrounds, as it offers a high level of financial support.

The key issue is over the ability of Universities to charge variable fees. The rebels argue that the principle of variability leaves the door open to much higher fees being charged during the next parliament when the current £3,000 cap on fees is lifted.

The Government maintains that the narrow majority in support of the bill proves that there is no appetite for much higher fees and that variability is a key aspect of the bill.

Mr Johnson also stated that there could be no more concessions to the rebels as there was "no money left" after the series of lastgasp measures introduced to get the bill through parliament.

A SOAPBOX FOR THE VIEWS OF CARDIFF RESIDENTS

How long have you been selling fish and chips in Cardiff?

Just over two years.

had a long day or things like that, or because it’s too cold to go into the kitchen and cook.

How many studets do you get coming in?

A lot of my business depends on students.

For example, in summer when they all go home my business goes down roughly 50 per cent.

Do you get any trouble from students?

Personally I’ve never had any trouble, but I hear from local people the only complaints they have is that they are noisy. Some people don’t let the locals know they’re having a party.

Do you think that’s becaue students can’t cook for themselves?

Well , it’s a mixture you know, sometimes they come and they can’t be bothered cooking or

Do you have any regulars?

Oh yeah. Most of the students who live around here. Like the brother Kalifa [a friend

of his] he comes in quite a lot - not an everyday regular, but once in a couple of days.

Do you think there is any community around Cathays?

We’re missing the touch of the community, because our local community is finishing. When people move out, whoever buys the house and lets it out to students. I don’t know who’s living next door to me.

Interview by Paul Dicken

News

Page 6

February 16 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Is Union democracy nearing a crisis?

By Jim Sefton Reporter

COOPERS FIELD: directly behind Cardiff Castle

SUMMER BALL 2004 Return to Cooper’s Field as CIA is dropped

By Matthew Ramsden Reporter THE SUMMER BALL 2004 is set to return to Cooper’s Field for the first time in three years.

Situated next to Cardiff Castle, Cooper’s Field is an easily accessible outdoor alternative to the previous venue of the CIA. The creation of an outside event leaves the ball open to the notoriously unpredictable Cardiff weather. This was the factor that prompted the change of venue three years ago, after comparisons with the mud- fest often experienced at Glastonbury.

Mike Rabjohns, the Union’s Finance and Commercial Services

Officer, believes the combination of a scheduled June 11 date and the provision of several indoor facilities could see the event pass without any significant problems.

The 2004 switch to Cooper’s Field is also part of an inspired plan by the union’s event staff to rotate the summer-ball venue on a three yearly basis. This will offer three different venues to most students during their time at the University.

This summer’s event is thought to represent one of the first outcomes of the controversial merger between Cardiff University and UWCM. The event is open to students from both colleges, in a bid further to inprove relations.

After the success of last year’s ball, which saw the Sugababes

headline, the format is expected to be repeated with crowd-pulling headline acts and more music to suit all tastes. This will be provided through a mini-festival set up, with a mixture of tents providing different musical acts and genres, and a selection of bars and catering outlets.

Organisers hope the success of fairground rides will be repeated.

Mr Rabjohns is hoping for a “carnival atmosphere” to bring the academic year to a close. A capacity of 4,000 is expected.

Details of the line-up are expected to be announced within two to three weeks. Big headline acts to rival Westwood and Judge Jules, who performed at the Christmas ball, have been promised.

FEARS ARE MOUNTING that the Students’ Union is heading towards a democratic crisis because of a virtual collapse in the system of representation.

The effects of such a crisis are potentially devastating. All aspects of Union life - from entertainments to clubs and societies, from campaigns to student welfare - could suffer as a result.

The Students’ Union is officially governed by the Student Council, which is comprised of regular students and the Union Executive. These are the people who run the day-to-day business of the Union.

The current total number of ordinary members on Student Council is 18, out of the required total of 60. That number is falling as more and more councillors are deemed to have resigned through continued unexplained absence.

This means that there are more Union officers on the council than ordinary members. There are too few ordinary councillors even to fill the Constitution, Appeals and Complaints committees.

This has serious implications for the current Sabbatical and NonSabbatical elections - which are supposed to be run by the Constitution committee - and for any ordinary members of the union involved in an appeals or complaints process.

The constitution of the Students’ Union declares that the function of Student Council is to "administer the affairs and manage the funds of the Union" (Ordinance 10: 8.3). It should also "oversee the implementation of the policies of the Union" (Laws 5(d)).

Such activities are hampered by the lack of councillors, especially when members of the executive are absent en masse. It is the responsibility of the Societies and Union Secretary, Rami Goussous to "ensure that as many posts on the Executive and Student Council are filled as possible and to actively campaign on this" (Laws 9(b)).

Without an effective Student Council, the student body does not have representatives to whom the Executive are answerable, and cannot directly influence the practices and policies of the Union.

Concern has grown recently due to a number of issues. For example, Union President, Finnbarr Graham failed to carry out mandated duties and misled those at the recent Annual General Meeting on issues surrounding the new constitution for next year’s Students’ Union. Having been mandated by Student Council to amend details in the constitution dealing with membership of Student Council (Ordinance 10: 8.3) the President failed to ensure that these changes were carried out, though claimed that they had been when questioned about it at the AGM. No register was used at the Union’s AGM, a duty which falls under the responsibility of Societies and Union Secretary. Without a register of those

in attendance we cannot determine whether or not the meeting was quorate, i.e. legitimate.

Only one member of the Union’s 20 strong Executive team - Gay and Bisexual Non-Sabbatical Officer, Lee Gregory - attended the Student Council meeting of Monday 9th February, though the whole team was, and always is, required to attend. No apologies were given for absence. No sabbatical reports or timesheets were submitted. This is cause for automatic censure of an officer: a warning from the student body.

FINN RESPONDS ON BEHALF OF THE EXEC Difficulty arises in taking the right to reply to this article. References made within this article refer to a constitution that will only come into operation on the 1st of August 2004. Yet the reporter makes reference to it governance of this year’s executive. Other references of concern are the inaccurate guidance concerning my leadership of the AGM. It would appear to be reported that the constitution presented was somehow not what was agreed by our Student Union Council.

It is a this point that I believe it necessary to refer to the minutes of the meeting of Student Union Council held on the 26 January which clearly state that the suggestion was only to limited membership of a particular college rather than increase overall membership itself. It must also be stated that it was Student Union Council that decided on the membership of student council earlier on in the year on 27th October 2003. Therefore it is with firm belief that this years union executive assert that they have successfully carried out the mandated responsibilities of the Student Union Council.

An accurate attendance was taken at the AGM and those figures were 404 students. These figures will be published as soon as the minutes of the AGM are published. The use of an attendance sheet in previous years was not to count attendance but to substantiate attendance of our sports clubs and societies. I can understand any concerns over quoracy and would like to unequivocal confirm that the AGM for 2003/2004 was quorate. I would further state that quoracy was not questioned at any point during the AGM and therefore given these circumstances believed it to be a true and accurate record.

In summation I would like to wholly reject the suppositions made within this article on the grounds of inaccuracy leading to and inconclusive, misleading and narrow view of the holistic entity that is the Union’s democratic system. In relation to the comment made regarding Student Union Council dated Monday 9 of February I can only apologise on behalf of the Union and the Societies and Union Secretary Rami Goussous. The occurrence took place after a miscommunication of inaccurate dates on our website. The true dates are now on the website and it was never the intention of the Union to be absent for such an important meeting.

Opinion

February 16 2004

Page 7

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Flying too close to the political flame

Bitesize Quiet Man gets his own shed REMEMBER THAT balding, unelectable gimp who used to be in charge of the Tory Party?

No, not Michael Howard, the one before him.

Hapless former leader Iain Duncan Who has now got his own TV presenting job broadcasting live from a shed.

IDS - who attracted an audience of 67 to his first public speaking event a few weeks ago - will join Johnny Vaughan as his “political shed mate.”

Johnny would have us believe that he’s “looking forward” to gossiping with IDS. But then he’s paid to say that.

What a glorious end to an illustrious career.

Poor student offers virginity for sale POLICE HAVE BEEN called in to examine the case of a cash-strapped Bristol student who auctioned her virginity over the Internet.

Rosie Reid, an 18-year-old social policy student, took the drastic step because she didn’t want to graduate with crushing debts.

“It started as a joke, and ended as a ‘why not’?” she said.

“I would rather sleep with a stranger than face years of comparative poverty.”

“It’s a strange one because it’s a grey area,” said a spokesman for Avon & Somerset Police.

“I think it’s probably illegal because it’s like soliciting, but we’re taking legal advice over the matter.”

According to Rosie’s website, a winning bid of £8,400 has been accepted and the auction is now closed. Sorry guys.

I hope Tony Blair hears about this somehow and feels just a little bit guilty.

French ban should be religiously observed

T

HREE CHEERS for French MPs, who last week overwhelmingly voted to ban overtly religious symbols from state schools.

The French government’s bold step has got tongues wagging and columnists scribbling across Europe.

The ban covers jewish skullcaps, sikh turbans and Christian crosses, but the garment that’s attracted the most attention is the Muslim headscarf.

The usual libertarian fruitbars have popped up to say it’s not for the nanny state to dictate what people wear.

More sensible critics fret that the government is unwittingly stoking the fires of islamic fundamentalism.

But the ban is supported by a massive 70 per cent of the French public.

This includes fully half of France’s 10 million Muslims.

And it’s also got the green light from one of the highest authorities in Sunni Islam - the Grand Sheikh of Egypt’s al-Azhar mosque.

Mohammed Sayed Tantawi said Muslim women could freely ignore the headscarf rule if the law where they lived demanded so.

Of course, ideally people should be free to wear what they want to wear.

But the principle of secularism is more important than a dress-code.

Religion shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near our schools - and I say that as a card-carrying Bible Basher myself.

I might be a christian but I don’t see why anyone who isn’t should have to sing hymns of praise in school assembly.

You only have to look at the laughable situation in the southern US, where some states forbid the teaching of evolution except as an “equally valid theory” to the Creation Myth, to see the havoc that religious fundamentalism in schools can wreak.

France’s tradition of secularism puts us - and most of the rest of the world - to shame.

Here, our Head of State is the same as the Head of the Church of England.

Take note, you Welsh - your official religion is English!

Meanwhile, the otherwise progressive Blair government continues to baffle me by showering ghettoised ‘faith’ schools with taxpayer’s cash.

These places often won’t let kids in who don’t share their religion - which is surely blatant discrimination in a state school.

MPs call for Soccer Socialism

The fascist spectre of the BNP arose in Burnley partly because of the council’s hare-brained decision to house all the asians apart from everyone else.

Entire housing estates were either white or they were asian, and the same went for schools.

As Burnley folk know, the consequences of such segregation are disastrous. So why do we encourage it?

All British people - English, Welsh, muslim, christian or atheist - share a public life.

Kids need to learn about that in schools, not focus on their differences.

We should take our cue from the French: religion is a private matter between you “Che”-vid and your God.

Beckham

THE BURGEONING wealth divide in the national game needs to be tackled quickly, a group of MPs has warned.

The 150-member all-party Football Group has demanded that the fantastic wealth of the English Premiership is radically redistributed.

And it calls for a spotlight to be thrown onto the murky world of corrupt soccer agents, with a mandatory licensing system brought in.

Any family or business relationships between club bosses and agents would have to be formally disclosed.

Listening, Sir Alex?

“Football is richer today than ever before, but more and more clubs are going to the wall,” said Labour MP Alan Keen, leader of the group.

“We’re calling for the Premier League to double the cash it gives to the rest of football, and for at least 60 per cent of TV money to be fairly shared around the Premiership.”

The group is also considering wagecapping for players if the experiment in the Nationwide proves successful.

Looks like the People’s Card is deepest red after all.

Opinion & Editorial

Page 8

February 16 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

rhydd

gair

EST. 1972

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

By Tristan Thomas gair rhydd Editor

IF YOU’RE thinking of standing for election, the next month is likely to be one of he most exhausting yet thrilling imaginable.

A glib comment you might say, but seldom again will you invest so much time and effort knowing that a life changing decision will be made by over 3,000 of you peers. Very few of us are ever likely to realise that sort of fame in our immediate community.

The experience you can get from a year working in the union is phenomenal. Acting on a board of directors you oversee a company with a turnover of around £8 million -

our students union is one of the top five in the UK. After the merger with the Medical college in July, Cardiff students’ union will swell to an even greater size – over the magic 20, 000 milestone.

Next year could see you taking over a burgeoning organisation, utilising our increased student numbers to great effect.

Too often potential candidates are put off by the bureaucracy of elections. In truth there are hurdles to overcome in terms of filling in forms and avoiding petty rules.

If you do run for election be very weary of the little intricacies that can mean disqualification. The infamous myths of students being disqualified for going two pounds over budget or sending an email are absolutely true. The election rules are often bewildering and very simple. But the rewards easily match the hard work.

Taking Liberties

U

By David Jarmain

nder the proposed Civil Contingencies Bill, ministers will be able to pass laws without putting it before Parliament, ban public gatherings, seize or destroy private property and even suspend your human rights.

The proposed Bill will allow the Government to pass any laws, called "regulations", in the event of a national emergency.

Such emergency laws would only have to be put before Parliament "as soon as is reasonably practicable". It is not necessary for their operation.

The Bill’s purpose is to update the Emergency Powers Act 1920 which currently deals with such situations.

Supporters of the new Bill argue the new threat from terrorism justifies a new law to be used in the event of a major attack. However, as the civil rights group ‘Liberty’ pointed out in The Times , the existing legislation did get Britain safely through the Second World War, the Cold War and sectarian violence arising from Northern Ireland on the mainland.

The scope of the new powers would be extremely wide. They would not only cover a major terrorist attack, but also domestic disruption such as the fuel strikes.

The Bill even considers "disruption of plant or animal life" worthy of enabling such powers.

The

Textual Intercourse?

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

committee of MPs and Peers set up to examine the legislation has warned: "In the wrong hands, it could be used to undermine or even remove legislation underpinning the British constitution".

The "regulations" will also entirely override any provision of the Human Rights Act, preventing the Courts from properly challenging the emergency laws irrelevant of how unfair their use in a real situation may be.

“The scope of the new powers would be extremely wide”

The most controversial element of the Bill has been the exceptionally wide definition of an emergency, which would allow the powers to be enabled even to protect "political, administrative or economic stability".

However, the joint committee said this would allow the Government to declare a national emergency just to protect its own existence, and has consequently been removed from the definition. Nevertheless, the power to pass laws by decree remains, as do the other extremely intrusive powers.

In the troubled times in which we now live, it is becoming increasingly difficult to see which one poses the greatest threat to our freedom; the terrorists themselves, or the excuse it gives Governments to intrude upon our civil rights.

By Ruth Dickinson

T

his was a text message which my friend recently received at 10 o’clock on a Monday morning.

Cheeky boyfriend? No. Daily message from sex line? No? Random with whom she’d flirted with a couple of times? Uh huh. This was his attempt at seducing her. And rather worryingly, a quick survey of our other friends showed he wasn’t alone in his ‘direct’ approach to flirtation when they shared these: "Hi it’s (name), I live at (Roath address), just in case you want to come over and check I’m not gay."

"Hi, r u out tonight? I’m going to Scotland tomorrow. Do you fancy some?"

Reactions ranged from amusement to outrage but needless to say none of the messages worked. All they’ve

done is made us lose our faith in romance. What happened to love letters - pages of sweet nothings describing the fair maiden’s long flowing hair, lily white skin and sparkling eyes?

Maybe it was all bollocks but at least the suitors put a bit of effort into getting their shags.

I wonder if we’ve brought this on ourselves. Have previous decade’s feminist rantings and whinging about flowers and chocolates being clichéd and tacky reduced blokes to thinking that this is what we want?

Or should we just blame technology? The thing about text messages is, drunk or sober, they lower your inhibitions.

I can’t imagine any of those boys actually phoning my friends to invite them round. Why? Because they’d never get away with showing such an utter lack of respect in person, but

somehow in messages you can say things you wouldn’t say face to face.

I don’t believe in text conversations. In my experience you spend way too much time counting the kisses, worrying about exactly how to answer back and analysing every little bit of punctuation, trying to read something into it. I have had actual arguments with boyfriends before due to misinterpretation of messages. Let’s face it, it’s really easy to do when you’re texting because its much harder to tell when someone is joking.

Basically, text messages are a poor and often unsuccessful substitute for actual communication, whether you’re taking the piss, declaring undying affection or just trying to get laid.

And as unoriginal as flowers are, and as cheesy as you may feel sending them, under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to send a rose emoticon instead: @->-->---- x

“suitors put a bit of effort into getting their shags”

Kerry-Lynne Doyle is resolute

S

o it’s now February, the month of forgotten New Year’s resolutions; the month where dumbbells lie untouched, nicotine patches get replaced with another ten a day, and gym membership cards gather dust in bottom drawers.

And I think that’s great.

You see I’ve never really kept a New Year’s resolution. I once gave up chocolate for six months but then the withdrawal symptoms kicked in. Now I can barely last a day without a choccie fix. Then there was my ‘I’mgoing-to-join-a-gym-and-actually-go’ resolution. But the sweat, squats, and spandex were enough to put me off the gym for life (not that I looked forward to running to a pounding beat in front

Sarah Ahmad’s

I

t seems impossible to turn on the TV without seeing some average Joe either eating, sleeping or generally doing sod all. Reality TV it’s everywhere, all around us and it seems to be getting bigger and bigger. It all began in the summer of 2000 with Big Brother. Now I have to be honest with you, I, like everyone else was hooked on what was going on in the house, tuning in everyday to see whether Nicola had put some clothes on, Darren had stopped making chicken noises or if ‘Nasty Nick’ had been exposed for the scheming bastard he was.

So we thought Big Brother quite ingenious but then came Big Brother two and three and Big Brother in the US and Africa and Spain and every other country in the world! Soon big

of a depressingly truthful mirror). I mean, who wants to watch themselves struggle, wheeze and perspire while trying not to trip on the treadmill?

(And yes, I have fallen off a treadmill, and yes, it did hurt).

The gym bunnies also annoyed me.

They worked out in skimpy Lycra outfits, with immaculate hairdos and perfect make up, and that was just the guys! I, however, modelled a baggy off white tee shirt with shorts that I hadn’t dared to wear since school PE lessons. My hair always fuzzed up into a genetically modified fur ball and I looked like I’d climbed the Himalayas after three minutes on the rowing machine. But best of all, I always bumped into people who I hadn’t seen for years just as I was

leaving. I’d be exhausted and haggard with redder cheeks than Noddy and then Sarah from Year Nine would bounce over looking like a model and brimming with energy. Unsurprisingly that resolution soon fell apart.

So this year I decided that my New Year’s resolution would be not to make a resolution. I’m happy eating chocolate, drinking when I want to and not being a member of the university gym. In the meantime, if you have made a resolution and kept it, I take my hat off to you (obviously without exerting too much energy). However, when you’re struggling with the latest torturous gym invention, I’ll be sitting at home, eating pizza, thinking about what resolution I won’t make for 2005…

“the sweat, squats and spandex”

ROOM 101

brother wasn’t quite the phenomena it had once been, now it was just bloody annoying. It amazes me how people can sit and watch a bunch of people sleep!As if that wasn’t enough Channel 4 bought us more of the attention seeking public with programmes like Shipwrecked, Shattered and The Salon, watching a bloke get his balls waxed is not my idea of entertainment.

Let me take you back a little further, back to the days of low budget programmes entitled ‘Holidays from Hell’ where holiday makers would complain about their cheap deal holidays to some grotty province in Spain. There was a whole series of these programmes of which I can’t imagine who would have watched. It got to the point where so many had been made that the only option producers were left with was

‘Programmes from Hell’.

The music industry wasn’t far behind in jumping on the reality TV bandwagon and so we were blessed with the likes of Simon Cowl and Pete Waterman for entertainment. Again we were hooked at first, watching Popstars every week to see who would be the next manufactured pop band.

What ever happened to hear’say? Now it’s out of control there’s even a welsh version of pop idol ‘Up or street’!

Even the celebrities are getting involved with ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’ giving has beens like peter André and wannabes like Jordon a chance to get on TV. Where will it end? Before you know it actors will be out of work and we’ll all be characters in one massive TV show.

That’s why I’m putting reality TV in room 101 for good, bring back quality TV!

Opinion & Editorial

February 16 2004

Page 9

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Oh Captain My Captain

By Dan Keel

C

ongratulations to Lawrence Dallaglio for winning the race for the England rugby captaincy, and congratulations to McDonalds for swiftly recruiting him to produce an embarrassing and cringe-worthy advert surely rivalled only by ‘push-pops’ and ‘Halifax.’ Why oh why did he agree to that? I’m closer to 17 years of age than 70 and so am prepared to ignore the obvious contradiction of someone boasting about, ‘reaching the top of his game’ whilst munching on a glorified beef-burger. But it’s the constant use of words such as ‘honour,’ ‘pride,’ ‘modesty’ and ‘nobility’ used by himself in the past to promote his sport which makes me laugh when watching this profitable ego-boosting plug.

The unsuccessful candidates for the

W

hen I was younger I endlessly played with the plastic princess but now I mourn the day her hyper-thin anorexic vessel with silicone implants rolled off the assembly line. Barbie was created during the backlash against feminism, when feminism was viewed as pathological.

Then, Barbie emerged as an icon of capitalist femininity obsessed with her appearance, although, this particular "good girl" has a sordid past.

Barbie is based upon a German sex toy doll "Lilli" who was originally a prostitute in a German cartoon. Lilli toned down her image, changed her name, had a little surgery (e.g. removing her nipples) to avoid the US Immigration law barring prostitutes

captaincy are the players who really seem to appreciate the true meaning of such words. Jonny Wilkinson seems physically incapable of accepting a compliment, instead diverting praise in every direction but his own. Constantly reminding people of his two failed drop-goals in the world cup final whilst relentlessly promoting the efforts of his team to place him in such match winning positions. Wilkinson is a humble hero and that is why we love him. Richard Hill, likewise, is the first to dismiss suggestions that it was his return from injury in the semi-finals that transformed the side from underperforming favourites to world champions. Squashing the irritating George Gregan like a fly and incessantly gripping the Aussies in his bear-grip tackles, his success was largely hidden from the cameras and is rarely discussed. But this is how he likes it.

Both Hill and Wilkinson have turned down many commercial offers and would probably be pushed to choose between licking Aussies boots or being seen appearing on TV boasting about their physique and success. Dallaglio, however, seems to love the attention which autumn success has attracted. Flexing and

smirking on the front pages of many a magazine, I can’t help but feel that the showbiz, celebrity lifestyle will be too tempting to turn down. Even Sir Clive Woodward appears to be treading carefully, publicly reminding him that the captaincy only applies if he is picked! Remember it was Woodward who publicly slammed him in Australia last year after a string of disappointing displays and who was far from

supportive after Dallaglio exposed himself to drug allegations five years ago. The relationship appears far from perfect.

Admittedly, adding the title of captain onto the already responsibilityladen shoulders of Wilkinson seems somewhat unfair, although his type of personality is surely what is required.

But after a successful stint as captain, and with qualities which seem identical to that of Martin Johnson, why was Richard Hill overlooked? Not only does Hill appear at every press conference with ears and nose twisted at angles which defy belief, but his quiet yet intense nature on and off the pitch is another feature which resembles that of easily the greatest captain in the world cup, Martin Johnson. It seems the lead by remorseless example approach is to be replaced by a different mould of captain and the differences in style and the forthcoming results will make interesting viewing.

Johnson, unsurprisingly has backed Dallaglio as the perfect choice adding, ‘Lawrence is a born leader. If you had a group of people stuck in the jungle, he would become a leader of that group.’ If the jungle inhabitants were of the Alex Best nature I am sure this would be the case, but I do wonder if his louder evocative persona will upset the Jonny Rottens and Jordans of the team.

Lindsay Gowlett and Barbie’s slutty past... from becoming residents and made a new life for herself. Marketed as a wholesome capitalists dream she turns out to be a foreign whore hiding from Immigration officers.

The plastic trollop is now a US$1.9 billion per year industry, she’s the first ideal a young girl has, yet she distorts our perceptions of appearance for she’s anatomically impossible yet our appearance obsessed society’s ideal has got closer to Barbie than ever before. Eating disorders, children dieting, depression, low self-esteem, selfconsciousness and an overactive consumer desire is what we live with today with the "aid" of Barbie’s "perfection" smiling over us.

This desexualised icon is the bane of every girl in society. After you peel off any outfit, Barbie is still the

same genital free, long legged, forever smiling piece of moulded plastic with an extraordinary mamelonation for her size (even though, Mattel gave Barbie a makeover in 1998 by narrowing her hips and reducing her chest a little to

“foreign whore hiding from immigration” make her more aesthetically pleasing in midriff baring teen-wear).

However, this "perfect" depiction of womanhood is tainted with human rights abuses whereby, the majority of Mattel’s workers are employed in production in the third world and

developing countries to avoid high tariffs on import and employment costs, thus, predominantly workers have no rights and very low minimum wage. An Indonesian worker would have to save up for an entire month (not buying food, water or anything else) to be capable of buying a CK Barbie.

Mattel and Barbie are ensnared within a structure of economics in global industry.

Although, when a 7 year old holds her first ex-hooker (I mean) Barbie they have no awareness of how the toy was made or in what conditions.

Barbie brushes aside all sordid details of her past and production with a few back handers and came to the pinnacle of her career when she became President in 2000, yet she still to this day denies she ever had sexual relations with Ken.

Student Rant

I

David Morris

t’s about now that many of us second years start applying for those lucrative work experience positions 'guaranteeing' us a job in a little over a year’s time and giving us the chance to earn some hard cash in the process.

That is unless you're a humanities student or, for that matter, just plain lazy.

You see, I believe that even the most conscientious humanities student will have been left unaware of the urgency of these internships, and frankly we're the ones who need these positions the most. And why’s that? Because we are so snowed down with work and other commitments that we haven't even begun to think about the future; the present is stressful enough!

“I study dead guys” What really bothers me though, is the fact that business students, law students and the other leaders of tomorrow seem to have known about these opportunities for agesno one has even mentioned 'placements' in my department.

Posters advertising fairs and opportunities are littered all over the business school; Engineers have a module on 'professional studies' where they get to learn all about the right way to fill in an application form and the like; I get a yellow A4 poster informing me that there will be a class on how to write your CV in two weeks time!

And before you say it, yes I know the careers service is there but only because I live with a city planner.

And frankly even if you do somehow, magically, find yourself actually applying for a position before the deadlines have passed, how is an English or History student meant to give an example of 'a situation or piece of work that demonstrates business sense'? I study dead guys! How the hell am I meant to relate that to the business world? We're told any degree is permitted but really that's 'P.C.' nonsense because unless you're studying economics you won't even be able to fill out the application forms. I dread to think what's going to happen if by some administrative mishap I manage to get an interview: “My views on the European monetary policy..?

Yeah…Well, um…”

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Union Elections

Page 10

February 16 2004

gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk

Nominations to close in days Union urges students to consider year as Sabb officer

Being a student throws up all kinds of opportunities, but few will be as enjoyable, rewarding or useful as serving as one of the 21 strong team of Executive Officers of the Students’ Union.

The Students’ Union is not only a body dedicated to providing services and representation for over 1,000 students but also a multi-million pound business.

There are various positions up for grabs and chances are you’ll have an interest in at least one of them. The major distinction to be made is between the full-time, paid, Sabbatical positions such as President, Union Secretary, and Media Officer, and the non-Sabbatical positions, which are taken on in addition to one’s academic obligations, such as Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual

Officer, Race Equality Officer, and College Vice President.

The idea of putting yourself forward for a position involving such important responsibilities will likely seem both daunting and exciting. And rightly so.

The skills learnt while in the role will serve you very well in terms of future employment and may even provide direction with regard to career choices.

This opportunity comes but once a year so although not everyone will be suited to the roles available, you should give serious consideration to whether or not you want, and would be able to, take on the challenge. Most importantly, you should be friendly, capable, committed, and a team player.

If you are unsure as to how you would manage in the role, try to justify to yourself why you would make a

good candidate and what you would do if elected. In short: Why should people vote for you? It’s just as well to get the practice in, in any case, because you’ll have to do it non-stop during your campaign and for your manifesto should you choose to stand.

What you need to know If you want to be elected, you need to move fast – nominations close this Thursday (February 19 2004), and before then you’ll need to pick up an election pack from the third floor of the union. Ask for Rami Goussous who is running the elections. Phone him on 02920 781427 or email goussousr1@cardiff.ac.uk.

Once you’ve got your pack, fill in the relevant details and return it to Rami. Do not be put off by rumours of people running for roles – in truth candidates often drop out fearing the competition, only to regret it later. The year before last, eight people were rumoured to be going for one Sabb role – in the end, nobody went for it and the election was rerun.

You’ll need to be thinking about your manifestos ASAP – by Friday you’ll be expected to have that sorted – ready to have it designed and printed over the next four days.

On Friday February 27, a candidates meeting will launch the beginning of campaigning. Hopefully you’ll have spread the word so that when voting starts on Monday March 8 2004, hoards of students will flock to the booths.

Voting finishes on March 9. It’s all over, and you can celebrate in Solus on Wednesday evening with your fellow hopefuls.

The tiger turns P

By Emma Hughes

eople and Planet have joined forces with Friends of the Earth Cardiff to hold a day of action against Esso.

The two groups have come together to highlight the problem of climate change, the biggest environmental threat facing the world today. The demo, which takes place on Saturday 21st February at the Esso garage along the Cowbridge road, will involve street theatre, gigantic banners and as much noise as we can possibly make – we’ll ensure no passing motorists miss our presence!

Climate change is one of People and Planet’s key campaigns and it is an issue of vital importance for the entire globe. Today its affects are being felt as never before – just look at what’s happened in this continent alone. The hottest 10 years on record have occurred since 1991, and scientists now believe that last summer’s European heat wave, which killed more than 20,000 people, may be a taste of things to come. Furthermore, new research by leading experts warns

that climate change threatens extinction for a quarter of the world’s species by 2050.

Within the scientific community sceptics are becoming increasingly hard to find. In January 2001 the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) stated that "There is new and stronger evidence that most of the observed warming over the last 50 years is attributable to human activities". The IPCC was set up to investigate whether our activities are having an effect on the climate. It is made up of around 2000 scientists from a diverse range of countries and disciplines. These experts studied a vast array of scientific evidence and concluded that climate change is happening, that it is caused by the burning of fossil fuels (coal, oil and gas), and that the world is likely to get a lot hotter than previously thought.

Unless urgent action is taken by everyone to reduce the use of fossil fuels which produce carbon dioxide, the main greenhouse gas, the lives and livelihoods of millions of people across the world will be under threat.

As the effects of climate change have become better understood so has

the importance of the Stop Esso campaign. People sometimes question the rationale for targeting one particular oil company but People and Planet believe there are many reasons why Esso, or Exxon Mobil as they are known internationally, are even worse than the rest.

Friends the Earth have just published a report which outlines Esso’s historical contribution to climate change. The results are shocking.

From the end of the nineteenth century until present day Esso’s emissions of carbon dioxide total an estimated 20.3 billion tonnes of carbon. This is around 5% of the world total. Almost 70% of these emissions have been since 1967. What this actually means is that Esso have contributed between 3.4% and 3.7% of total attributable temperature change since 1882.

Unless Esso are stopped this figure is set to keep on rising.

Esso are determined to ignore the reality of climate change. They have been the most active company in undermining the Kyoto Protocol and back corporate lobbying organisations who do the same. It was Esso who funded President Bush’s election cam-

An important time

By Jeremy Townsend

W

ith the Union Executive elections fast approaching, the next few weeks will see the University campus swarming with candidates and their campaign teams. The start of lectures will be handed over to students to promote their election promises; the Union steps will be overrun with people doling out lollipops and election promises like, er, candy. Elsewhere, campaigners will force their election pledges on you by way of dances, stripteases, and whatever other novelty scheme seems fitting to their purpose.

So while we amble up the Union steps with our heads down to avoid the invasion of privacy – shunning the campaigners the same way we avoid the City Centre clubs and housing agency reps who thrust flyers into our hands – and at the same time kindly accepting whatever confectionery comes our way, it’s probably time to wonder what the hell these people are doing.

Well, if it’s a good entertainments policy you’re after, then dancing routines, stripteases, and any amount of free stuff is all good. But deciding

what happens on Union nights in Solus or the Taf is only part of the Exective’s jobs.

The fact is that the Executive we elect have a much more important role. Their purpose is to represent us, as students, on all matters from University problems, to local issues, and wider national projects in conjunction with NUS. When things go wrong on our course, or when our landlord withholds hundreds of pounds worth of deposit, these are the people we will need to see. If we want the Cardiff student body to have any sway on local issues, then again, we will need recognised representation from our Students’ Union.

Likewise, when the government proposes Bills against the interest of the wider student population, our Union Exec will be vital in providing opposition to such plans.

Original election campaigns are one thing; genuine election promises are another. If we want to vote for an Executive team that reflects the interests and concerns of Cardiff University students, then we must take time out to read their manifestos - to be published in gair rhydd over the next few weeks - and judge candidates on the strength of the policies they assure us they will enforce.

Students begin the fight against Esso paign. Esso gave $1.376 million to Republicans in the 2000 election, more than any other oil company.

Bush ensured Esso were well rewarded for their support by pulling the US out of the Kyoto Protocol as soon as he came to power. This is exactly what Esso had been lobbying Bush to do.

Esso refuses to invest in renewable energy. In 2001 Esso spent $7.9 billion on oil and gas exploration but not one dollar on renewable energy or green fuels. Instead, Esso is aggressively expanding its oil and gas production, and lobbying for access to search for new oil in pristine areas such as the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska.

So why not join us when People and Planet strike their first blow against a climate change villain?

Tony Curry, Cardiff Friends of the Earth’s Energy Officer has already pledged to be there, adding this comment "I urge all car drivers to stop filling their tanks with a tiger and help keep Esso’s paws off our planet!" The demo promises not just to be a fun day but an important one as well. If our world is to have a future then the tiger must be tamed.

If you want to come along to the demo go to: www.cf.ac.uk/suon/p eopleandplanet/current/esso.htm or attend a People and Planet meeting - every Tuesday 8pm in the Nelson Mandela Room, fourth floor of Cardiff’s Student’s Union.

If you want to find out more ways to combat climate change give these a try: www.saveenergy.co.uk www.foe.co.uk www.peopleandplanet.org www.stopesso.com

Letters

February 16 2004

Page 11

grletters@cf.ac.uk

Sweets to the sweet Dear gair rhydd, I have the distinct feeling this may not go down to well with those of us with a left of centre persuasion. Oh well.

Tuition fees, like it or not are coming, and to combat the socialist minority of questionable sanity that pops up now and then at the Union I think its time for a bit of common sense.

Firstly there are far more graduates than graduate-only jobs. This is obviously far from ideal and only two possible options will suffice.

Either increase the number of jobs or decease the number of graduates.

Since its unlikely that any significant increase in graduate-only careers will come about any time soon then the logical conclusion is to reduce the number of students. It’s tough, it’s unfair, it’s far from ideal, but that, boys and girls is life.

Personally I think that top-up fees are necessary and the Government has been far too soft on the issue, the proposed fees aren’t enough. In any case whatever the Government says I think we all can agree that it will deter some students from university.

I don’t think that this is a particularly bad thing. As current students we’re not going to have to pay, it doesn’t adversely effect us at all, so why all the fuss? If anything a decreased number of students at University is an altogether excellent thing for current students. It will make our degree’s look better and make the job market less competitive.

You’re probably reading this now thinking what an arrogant, self-righteous bastard whose only concern is for himself and not future generations of students. And you’d be right.

I don’t care one way or the other about future students, I care about

me and my career prospects.

Admit it to yourselves, you’ve all thought about it too, you all know how hard it is to get a decent job with a 2:1 or even a First these days, and you guys want to encourage more people to get a degree.

Anything that helps us is, in my opinion, excellent news.

If the socialists are right and tuition fees drastically reduce student numbers then I’ll be cracking open the Bollinger. So should you all.

Ignore the Student Socialists and the insane ramblings of the left, they belong to a past age. Don’t feel guilty about looking after your own interests first, higher education is not a right, its an expensive privilege for those who can afford it and have the academic qualifications to match. We got lucky, we’ve missed top up fees.

Let’s not attempt to squander that fortune in a futile attempt to prevent tuition fees. You can’t stop them, but they don’t effect you and its actually a very good prospect.

Mark , Year 2 History Three things. Firstly, I think Mark might have struck the political apathy vein which runs through all student politics in asking why we should care about future generations of students.

Perhaps he was brave to (semianonymously) admit it, I shall let you decide for yourselves.

Secondly, I agree that there are too many students and too many graduates, but I believe that raising the standard of entry requirements, not raising fees would be a more acceptable way of distributing education amongst the populus.

Thirdly, be glad, readers, that this letter is brought to you in its

edited form and not as the incoherent grammatical nightmare that arrived here earlier.

More complaints Dear gair rhydd Cardiff Students’ Union, the best in the country? Really? Erm… not if the appalling organisation of the Union staff has anything to do with it. Those of you who, like me, battled through the snow to go to Rubber Duck will still have painful memories of standing in the cloakroom queue for an hour because there were no bouncers to organise the event.

It is one of the most popular nights of the week and due to the fact it had been snowing you would have thought the union would have taken this into account and been better organised, but no. It is up to the union to make sure that people who pay £3 to get in don’t spend half of the night queuing then being charged £1 for the "privilege".

Once we finally arrived in Solus it was crammed to capacity which resulted in huge queues for the bar and no space to show off my "amazing" dance talents. The union is supposed to be a place to enjoy yourself after a day of "hard work", not to go out and be more stressed than before. It is not the event that is the problem, because it can be a real laugh. It is the lack of organisation that spoils it. Message to the union staff: Thanks very much for inventing these nights. Now you’d better start organising them.

Send more letters. Thanks.

Janine Jones

Text 07791 165 837

Eye of newt, head of toad, snout of pig, my god you’re ugly! jim sefton can’t draw to save his life, why do you print this crap every week?

Optimus Prime was the leader of the Autobots, not the ENTIRE Transformers race. For fucks sake. (I’m going to marry this man. I hope it’s a man) I jus red the little purple bit at the end! Yes fozzy is god!

Half-arsed quiz? Half-arsed questions! Optimus Prime was leader of the autobots. (...or this one)

Ray! Where are my shoes you bastard?

Chris Taylor, thank you! Cardiff uni really needed you back. spinster man, baking bread, in talybont north with superted. i bought the wrong bananas!

There’s only one team in Devon.

Down with Argyle. Exeter City rule.

Wrapping some1 in xmas paper and then sticking shot glasses to them. Creates a wonderful game where the participants through pasta. Well worth it!

Jude n fran

Jenna Stevens, Year 1 mod history & politics

Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They are available for collection from the gair rhydd offices, on the top floor of the union building.

Well written and well researched Clare’s letter pleases me. It’s also very long, which I have decided is a good thing. However let it be known I am now bored of this topic. In fact, while I’m on the subject, I think today might be the last time I allow you lot to slag off the gair rhydd staff in the gair rhydd. Bollocks to the lot of you. We work damn hard... Well, Dear gair rhydd, Well, well, well. Look who's back in town. I was thrilled to read Andrew Caldicott’s article published in last weeks gair rhydd. I am so glad that we managed to clear up the little matter of the slave trade that we started. Thank goodness we still had the slave galleys we shipped them over with; you know these 'darkies' always trying to get something for nothing (See Mr Caldicott's other enlightening article on the taxevading Muslims who are swamping our public amenities, 'Inequality in leisure facilities', Gair Rhydd Dec 2003, p. 9).

The fact that we finally bowed to the pressure that put an end to the slave trade will come as a great comfort to the descendants of people

most of them do, and if you have a problem with Andrew Caldicott, Tim (yes it’s Tim, not Tin you deef) Clarke, Jim Sefton, or any of the other people up here, I suggest you get your arse up here and tell them to their faces.

But be warned, there are quite a lot of us and we fight to the death. lost to the Black Holocaust, some 60,000,000 to put a ballpark figure on it. But then again they do all look alike so I am sure we might have missed a couple in the stock take. I can't believe that when we offered our most precious gifts to the savages, 'civility' and 'democracy', that they had the audacity to try to maintain their own cultures. There's just no pleasing some people. Surely being able to bring someone into 'civilisation' has to be based on the fact that other cultures are dwelling in savage primitivism.

Forgive me for stating the obvious here, but some people obviously need a reminder that the Empire is over. For those clinging to the 'good old days' it must come as a bit of a rude awakening to find that the colonies weren't altogether thrilled

about being robbed of their land and natural resources. To even consider that there might be ethical considerations, not to mention long-term economic and emotional consequences for these places, must have a truly jaw-dropping effect. Thank god that the 're-written' (read: uncensored) history books on the present school curriculum have finally begun to recognise these facts and tell history in a way that doesn't subsume the historical evidence in order to bolster and maintain the fiction of the Great British Empire. Britain certainly had an impact on the 'expansion of free trade'; a more pertinent reading of history would ask, free to whom?

Since when has free trade ever been synonymous with fair trade? I'm sure that the workers in sweat-shops worldwide are delighted that current trading legislation permits them to be paid an infinitesimal amount in comparison to the final retail price of the goods that are exported to Britain. I can only imagine the gratitude of the Chinese families of the 19 cockle-pickers that they were free to work under the care of the British bosses who left them to drown.

I too am ‘white’, ‘middle-class’, and ’heterosexual’, perhaps the 'normal' British person that needs protected from the 'Thought Police' and 'Big Brother' and the threats they pose to the very 'existence' of Britain, wouldn't you say Mr

Caldicott? If you find my tone 'offensively patronising', (the typical knee jerk response relied upon to fend off any probing questions regarding the lack of evidence for your odious and unsubstantiated views, see 'The Gloves are Off', Gair Rhydd, Feb 2nd ) well, at least I am making some progress. The difference is that I do not feel that the boxes I have to tick on forms to identity myself should, or do for that matter, qualify or disqualify me with regard to privileges, or leave my 'Britishness' under threat.

Incidentally, I am feeling somewhat confused as to what you feel 'Britishness' is. Having punched holes in your paper-thin arguments for Britain's benevolence to 'any number of benighted peoples' and established that ‘Britishness’ is in peril from any kind of legislation that tries to promote racial, gender or social equality, I am not really sure that what you are trying to protect even exists. Your pride is cloaked with nostalgia for a mythical past of imperial glory, when the Britain's were 'goodies'. And while we're on the topic of national pride, I agree with you wholeheartedly, 'Britishness' can only ever be really deemed under threat when people become ashamed of what this stands for. Truly, nothing makes me more ashamed than having to share my nation with people like you, tapping your watch, anxiously waiting for our unwanted house-guests to finally go home, bemoaning the fall of the

empire with your myopically selective view of history and barely cloaked bigotry. You affiliate the fact that people use the terms 'racist' or 'bigot' with reference to your views as terms vested to particular political leanings, which I'm sure offers a far more comfortable position than to accept the fact that these labels have specificity to moral and ethical judgements based on reasoned thought and analysis.

Far from the fictitious Orwellian bogey men you fixate your anxiety on (which incidentally represent the far right rather than the ‘liberal left’ you seem to dwell in terror of), the real cancer facing our country is racism, and the apathy that allows insidious views like yours to circulate unpoliced.

Yours in anticipation of the next ‘Comical Andy’ feature, Clare

Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Sex special

Page 12

February 16 2004

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Two men and a whole lot of fun

By Lee Gregory

Valentine’s goodness

By Natasha Hettihewa Oh you lucky, lucky readers. For those of you who are spending Valentines Day with someone you truly lust we have many a treat for you, from where to find some delicious lingerie to the perfect condoms for your hot weekend.

And for those of you who are not seeing anyone or are quite happy with your own company, fear not we have many a treat for you too! From the sexiest of sex

shops to the best homemade sex toys you could imagine (please God, tell me you couldn’t have thought them up yourselves!).

The delightful SHAG team have been on the case to find you the best of everything you could possibly want when it comes to self-pleasuring or couple satisfaction. Enjoy my friends and don’t forget SHAG always have their doors open to anyone who’d like to join in their saucy dealings!

Happy Valentines my lovelies!

A to Z of sex

By Michelle Baker

A- Any hole’s a goal: (ears and nose not recommended) B- Bondage: Establish a get out clause (very important to have a "safe word" - seriously) C- Clitoral stimulation: Bloody good when you get it right, but too much tickle can make it sore!

D- Dildos: And they say Diamonds are a girls best friend!

E- Erotica: Makes you feel sexy (posh name for PORN) F- Fisting: Be GENTLE and use lots of lube!

G- Golden shower: If urine does it for you please remember to wash afterwards.

H- Handcuffs: Get the fluffy ones; the metal ones can leave marks!

I- Inflatables: For when desperation occurs, or real sheep run too fast!

J- Juices of love: Leaves a wet patch!

K- Kinky boots: Aka ‘Fuck Me Boots’ mind your heels.

L- Licking: Introduce flavours and textures, cream, strawberry condoms anything in the kitchen!

M- Masturbation: Everybody does it so don’t be ashamed.

N- Nipples: Don’t pull to hard.

O- Oral pleasure: AWESOME! P- Penetration: Quick, hard, soft, slow, as long as it goes in!

Q- Quickie: Best fun ever.

R- Rimming: If it gets done it must be good – just wipe first!

S- Shag: 3rd floor of the Union come see us, we get bored! And we like to talk about sex!

T- Threesome: two Swedish blondes required apply within!

U- Underage: Many of us did it before we were 16! It’s nothing to be proud of but we all still brag.

V- Viagra: Don’t joke now you might need it later in life, (ladies too…)

W- Whipping: Hard but firm, don’t get carried away (those red marks don’t fade easily).

X- X rated: Anything that gets those juices flowing.

Y- Yes YES YES! If your partner’s doing something right.

Z- Zzzzzzzzzzzz: The best thing to do after a good Shag!

Picture the scene. It’s Valentine’s Evening, you’ve done the token romantic thing (possibly blowing an extortionate amount of your loan in the process) so you deserve to get damn right naughty.

As you lie in bed with your boyfriend you decide you want to try something a bit different, a little bit special. Here is a chance for the two of you to make anal sex even more fulfilling and have a Valentine’s Day to remember. You will be thanking us when you wake up on the 15th, believe me!

1. Let us begin with an easy one. One partner will crouch down allowing easy penetration. All very simple, but too boring on this night of experimentation.

Instead, let’s mix it up a bit.

- The top person (who we shall ingeniously call Penis Person, or "PP", for the rest of this lovers guide) can thrust, grind (circling the hips), rock (turning the pelvis from side to side) and make body movements like swaying your knees.

- The bottom person (Ass Person or "AP") can try complementary thrusting (the same as PP, except your timings and his are slightly off.) You can counterthrust – you push, he pulls and vice

versa. You can grind, rock and sway as well.

Doing this will allow different sensations for both partners. Suddenly, this position isn’t quite so ordinary, is it?

2. Try not to let your carnal urges get the better of you until you’ve finished

reading this. We don’t want you missing out on anything. Here is our next offering to you lucky guys.

- "AP" lies flat on his stomach with his hips raised by a pillow (pillow not essential but worthwhile). He is relaxed and has his hands free to wander.

- "PP" lies on top, also allowing him free hands - Penetration is difficult and "AP" is a little restricted in his movements. "PP" is free to move however so this position, though challenging, can be very satisfying.

3. If that one isn’t quite what you are looking for, a variation could be all you require.

To sex or not to sex shop?

By Abbi Carter, Natalie Claridge Sex shops, full of old men five-knuckle-shuffling over clingfilm wrapped magazines, or not?

Two of our shag girls went out through the goodness of their sex loving hearts - and had a look around to find you the best of all the sex shops.

Ann Summers: Queen St A female orientated shop - generated more for the younger approach. The layout of the shop eases you into the softer side of sexual pleasure by starting with a range of alluring lingerie followed by novelty clothing. Further back in the shop you enter a more risqué section of dominatrix clothing and accessories coupled with a large selection of toys, gels and lubricants. A small selection of videos, DVDs and magazines for both male and female clientele adds a sense of kinkiness. xxxx A gentle introduction to the playful and enjoyable side of sex. for a good educational start for younger clientele Love Craft: Cowbridge Road East A comprehensive and specialised approach, getting rid of the frills and getting straight to the point! PVC, role play and bondage appliances dominate the establishment. All sexualities are catered for including appropriate toys, very risqué with everything any sexual fantasy would desire, not to mention the enormously large appendage which we mistook for a hat stand, a hat being the only hole it could fit! The fun and friendly

owners boast customers range from 1887, if they can do it, so can you!! xxxxx For the pure bottle of owning such a shop.

Private Shop: The Hayes- by Molokos A small shop with a multitude of magazines, DVDs and videos for all tastes.

Lots of sex toys and novelty items for all sexualities but very few items of clothing and underwear. Lots of fun presents for a close friend xx For DVD dominated range.

Colins Books: Caroline Street (Chippy Allley) The Bulk of their package was DVDs, videos and dirty magazines. 80’s throwback style of sex toys and limited lingerie. x Only because of poor girth.

Dare: Wyndham Arcade (underneath joke shop) Friendly atmosphere, a shop encompassing a little bit of everything tastefully laid out. A smaller scale than Ann Summers with more fun presents including condom lollipops!!! Mainly female orientated but most customers are men. The videos they have are educational giving a more comfortable atmosphere, for the newly experimental couples. A small selection of lingerie and costumes with light bondage. A visit is well worth it…if only to purchase a "glow-in-the-dark" condom!! xxxx For a good range and none seedy atmosphere.

Feeling Foxy: High Street Arcade (under Joke Shop) A sexy/bridal lingerie shop with a good range of fairly tame underwear but the Newport branch doubles up with a complete range of toys as well as lingerie.

Parties also available for a night in with some friends if you prefer to choose your new vibrator and nurses outfit with your close friends and a bottle of wine close by!

Eccentrix: High Street Arcade (near Burger King) A shoe shop catering for the "pimp or gimp" as well as budding mistresses.

Really tasteful glass slippers, not Cinderella style and some PVC outfits to match. xx Some interesting wears.

Taf-Od

Tud 14

16 Chwefror 2004

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Chwe Gwlad, Un Tîm!

Edrych ymlaen at y bencampwriaeth

Tafarndai Da y Tu Hwnt i Cathays

Gan Edward John Mae mis Chwefror wedi cyrraedd a dydi hynny’n golygu dim ond un peth i’r mwyafrif o drigolion Cymru – mae pencampwriaeth rygbi’r chwe gwlad rownd y gornel ac mae sesiwns dihafal ar y ffordd!

Diwrnodau gemau rygbi ydi un o uchafbwyntiau’r flwyddyn yng Nghaerdydd. Mae’r ddinas yn ferw gwyllt ac mae’r awyrgylch yn annhebyg i unman arall yn y wlad, os nad tu hwnt. Ac mae hi’n addo bod yn well nag erioed eleni gan fod y gobeithion i’r tîm mor uchel.

Erbyn hyn mi fydd y gêm gynta yn erbyn yr Alban wedi bod, ac er fod cymaint o freuddwydion wedi’u chwalu yn y gorffennol, mae Cwpan y Byd wedi rhoi gobeithion gwirioneddol i ni eleni.

Ac yn fwy na dim, fydd dim rhaid codi efo’r wawr ar fore dydd Sul i fwynhau perfformiadau Cymru y tro hwn!

O resymu, ddylai’r Alban na’r Eidal achosi gormod o drafferth ar bapur, tra nad ydi Ffrainc heb wneud yn dda yn ddiweddar yng Nghaerdydd. Mi fydd Iwerddon yn fwy o sialens, a Lloegr wrth gwrs, ond mae hyd yn oed y Saeson wedi’u gwanhau heb Martin Johnson a Jonny Wilkinson (heddwch i’w llwch) yn y tîm.

Does yna ddim amdani felly ond cefnogi i’r carn a gobeithio’r gorau. Dyma nhw ddyddiadau’r gemau ac ambell i le posib i wylio’r rheini a thorri syched ar yr un pryd!

Y Mochyn Du Yn Sophia Gardens, oddi ar Cathedral Road – mi fydd y ‘Baedd’ yn siwr o fod yn llawn awyrgylch ac yn llawn dop, yn enwedig os bydd hi’n braf a lle i bawb fynd allan. Ond dydi’r llun ar y sgrin fawr ddim bob amser mor eglur â hynny, er mai dyma’r dafarn efo’r mwya o Gymraeg yng Nghaerdydd ar hyn o bryd

Fama di’r lle - Caerdydd ar bnawn gêm Sadwrn 14 Chwefror Ffrainc v Iwerddon (1400) Cymru v Yr Alban (1600) Sul 15 Chwefror Yr Eidal v Lloegr (1500) Sadwrn 21 Chwefror Ffrainc v Yr Eidal (1400) Yr Alban v Lloegr (1730) Sul 22 Chwefror Iwerddon v Cymru (1500) Sadwrn 6 Mawrth Yr Eidal v Yr Alban (1330)

Anfonwch unrhyw sylwadau, llythyrau neu gyfraniadau i’r cyfeiriad e-bost:

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Heb y Barnu na’r Cystadlu Gan Rhys Teifi

Un o ffenomenâu mwya Cymru ar hyn o bryd – er mai prin yw’r sylw mae’n ei gael y tu allan i’w gylch ei hun – yw www.maes-e.com. Rhyw fath o stafell enfawr ar y wê yw’r maes, sy’n cynnwys dros 790 o aelodau a dros 50,000 o negeseuon. Rhys Teifi (neu TXXI, i bobl y maes!) sy’n egluro ymhellach...

Fe aeth Nic dafis ati i ddysgu’r Gymraeg yn 1995 pan oedd yn gweithio i gwmni’r Oriel yng Nghaerdydd. Fe dyfodd ei gariad at yr iaith cymaint nes iddo sefydlu maes-e.

A beth yw maes-e, fe’ch clywaf chwi oll yn gweiddi fel parti adrodd dan 12 yn yr Eisteddfod Cylch.

Wel, yng ngeiriau Nic ei hun: ‘Fforwm trafod uniaith Gymraeg gyda adrannau gwahanol ar gyfer gwahanol bynciau.’

Felly os ydych chi am fwy o wybodaeth am gigiau, cymorth efo pa lyfr i’w ddarllen nesaf, am ddadlau’n wleidyddol neu hyd yn oed am drefnu liffts ar draws Cymru, logiwch ymlaen i maes-e!

‘Does dim rheolau pendant,’ meddai Nic, ‘ond am y cytundeb cyffredin i beidio postio pethau milain, sarhaus, hiliol, enllibus ac yn y blaen.’ A dyna hi wedi dod o geg y ceffyl, ys dywed y Sais – peidiwch â bod yn boen yn y pen-ôl i gyd-ddefnyddwyr (er fod y term ‘poen yn y pen-ôl’ yn hyblyg).

Fel arall, bydd eich cyfrif yn cael ei ddileu, a bydd Nic yn gyrru 23 o fwnciod gwyllt i ddwyn eich clustiau a’ch trwynau a’u bwydo i griw o wiwerod llwglyd sydd newydd gael eu deffro o’u cyfnod gaeafu!

You have been warned!

Pan sefydlwyd y maes, dim ond Nic oedd yn ei reoli, ond erbyn hyn mae criw o dri gweinydd (Aran, Barbarella a Cardi Bach) hefyd yn rhannu’r baich, er mai Nic sy’n dal i dalu’r biliau!

Mae Nic yn amlwg yn ddiolchgar iawn am y cymorth: ‘Wrth i’r maes dyfu, dw i wedi dod i ddibynnu ar help y criw fwyfwy.’

Fel rhywun sydd bron yn gaeth i’r maes, dw i o’r gred mai’r unig ffordd iddo wella yw trwy dyfu, fella dyma ychydig o gymorth i chwi sydd heb droi i’r ochr dywyll. Eto. Creu Cyfrif 1. Dewis enw doniol, clyfar neu wreiddiol (er mwyn bod yn cool!)

2. Dewis rhithffurf (neu ddelwedd) hynod olygus – dyma sut bydd pawb yn eich nabod ar y maes!

3. Dewis llofnod sydd un ai yn sarcastic neu yn gwneud i chi edrych yn hynod o glyfar Pan yn ymateb i edefyn (neu dopic) 1. Peidiwch â thorri’r rheolau (cofiwch am y mwncis) 2. Peidiwch ymateb er mwyn cynhyrfu pobl!!!

3. Yn fwy pwysig na dim, rhaid diweddu pob ymateb gyda’r gair Tew (er, dwi’n gweld hyn yn newid i Gwib yn y dyfodol agos) Reit, dyna chi – dwi’n mynd. Mae gen i radd i’w methu. Wela i chi ar maes-e.

Tew

Lloegr v Iwerddon (1600) Sul 7 Mawrth Cymru v Ffrainc (1500) Sadwrn 20 Mawrth Iwerddon v Yr Eidal (1330) Lloegr v Cymru (1600) Sul 21 Mawrth Yr Alban v Ffrainc (1500) Sadwrn 27 Mawrth Cymru v Yr Eidal (1330) Iwerddon v Yr Alban (1600) Ffrainc v Lloegr (2000)

Cayo Arms Ar Cathedral Road, mi fydd hon hefyd yn llawn at yr ymylon, ac yn werth galw heibio dim ond am y marquee mawr yn y cefn a’r cig oen sy’n cael ei rostio yn arbennig yno ar ddiwrnodau rhyngwladol.

Ond anodd efallai dod o hyd i le da i weld y gêm yn iawn Clwb Ifor Bach Mae’r tywyllwch a’r gwres yn golygu fod yna wastad awyrgylch dda, a phawb efo golygfa dda o’r sgrin. Mae gennach chi hefyd y fantais o allu yfed peints o wydrau go iawn, yn hytrach nag o’r sothach plastig sydd i’w gael yng ngweddill tafarndai’r ddinas pan fydd gêm ymlaen

Gig Gwyl Ddewi

Undeb Myfyrwyr Caerdydd yn cyflwyno...

Maharishi, Estella a DJ Meics yn Seren Las Nos Iau, 11 Mawrth 2004, 9.00pm Tocynnau £5 ar gael o’r Undeb

COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (XI) Wel, mi addawson nhw eira ond yr unig beth gawson ni oedd gwynt a glaw, a llawer iawn gormod o hwnnw. Mi allasai pethau fod yn waeth, dwi’n gwybod – mi allwn i fod yn dod o Lanrwst – ond wedyn nid Cofi Alltud fyddwn i ac nid colofn y Cofi Alltud fyddai hon!

Ta waeth, cicio’n sodlau oeddwn i rhyw bnawn, yn sbio ar y glaw yn diferu dros y ffenast a finna ddim yn gwybod be ddiawl i’w wneud efo’r dydd, heb sôn am pan ddôi’r nos. Doedd gwneud rhywfaint o waith ddim yn apelio ac mi oedd troi fyny i ddarlith yn llai deniadol byth.

Duw, medda fi, mi a i am beint.

Drwy drugaredd, mi oedd un o’r hogia wedi gadael ymbarél i hongian ar y wal wrth y drws ac allan â fi i ganol y storm i ddal y bys i Canton. Am ryw reswm, mae yna rwbath yn anturus am fynd draw am beint i Canton ar ddiwrnod glawog yn y mis bach.

Ac ar yr antur honno y buais i drwy’r pnawn, yn ista yn yr Hound yn sbio ar y byd yn pasio ac yn synfyfyrio fwyfwy fesul peint. Tua pump o gloch oedd hi pan ddaeth yna gang o ddynion digon gwyllt yr olwg i sefyll wrth y bar, ond drwy lwc mi oeddwn i’n meddwl fy mod i’n nabod un o’r cyfeillion hynny oedd yn eu mysg.

Yn y toilet oeddwn i ychydig wedyn pan ddaeth y dyn dan sylw i mewn a dechra’i harllwys hi wrth fy ochor. Er ei fod o’n gawr saith troedfedd hefo dreadlocs i lawr at ei din, mi deimlwn fy mod i’n ei nabod o rywle ac yn cofio’r enw hefyd.

‘Excuse me, mate’, medda fi.

‘Are you Ben?’ Mi sythodd y dihiryn fel tasa rhywun wedi’i saethu fo.

‘Am I bent?’ medda fo, a golwg gynddeiriog ar ei wynab. Fuais i erioed mewn cymaint o dwll.

‘No, no, no,’ medda fi, yn fy Saesneg gora, gan drio achub y sefyllfa cystal ag y medrwn. ‘I was just asking you if you were Ben!’ Mae’n rhaid nad oedd fy Saesneg gora yn ddigon da.

‘Am I bent?’ medda fo, efo’i lygaid yn dechrau melltennu a fynta’n troi yn borffor. Dim ond wedyn y sylwais i nad oedd yr un ohonon ni wedi cadw’i declyn nac wedi cau ei falog chwaith.

‘Iesu Grist o’r nefoedd’, medda fi, ‘well i mi fynd!’

A chyn i’r gwallgofddyn gael cyfle i estyn gwn o’i boced, i ffwrdd â fi fel milgi allan trwy’r drws ac i lawr y stryd mor gyflym ag y gwnaiff coesa Cofi Alltud meddw ei gario. Welith Canton na’r Hound mohona i am dipyn go lew, mae hynny’n saff.

Mi oeddwn i wedi cyrraedd adra erbyn i mi sylweddoli bod yr ymbarél wedi’i adael ar ôl ac mai dyna pam, yn ddigon siwr, fy mod i’n wlyb at fy nghroen ac yn crynu fel deilen. Doedd yna ddim amdani ond mynd am beint i ddod ataf fy hun, ac mae hynny, erbyn meddwl, yn syniad da rwan hefyd.

Mae sgwennu’r golofn yma, am ryw reswm, yn codi’r syched mwya diawledig ar ddyn.

Wela i chi wythnos nesa, os byw ac iach!

Jobs & Money

February 16 2004

Page 15

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

gs, when you ponOne of the most disheartening thin lies ahead of you that life ing work der on the forty-year , is the fact that (if that wasn’t disheartening enough) lunch ever y day. ut abo do to t wha de deci to you have in the mornings self your ivate mot to ugh It’s hard eno let alone the sed, dres and ered to get up to get show cheese and over s sion deci extra thinking involved with whether or not and ato, tom and ham us vers pickle black work bag. hummus will travel safely in your little existence because The sandwich originally came into t to leave the gamwan ’t didn h dwic San of Earl of the so his servant ing table to have his dinner, andeen two slices of betw t mea of brought him a slice sandwich becoming bread. This has evolved into the ily consume while eas can ers work that a food g. My theory is remaining at their tables and typin scheme to keep e orat corp evil that it’s all part of an if you’ve got someus chained to our desks. I mean, easy to give up thing really important to do, it’s verysimply graze over and k brea h lunc er prop on having a more time out of the computer. The company gets dache. hea a you; you get indigestion and Most of the time, Sandwiches are also very boring. fridge is cheese the in have to m the only thing I see

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By Steph Eagleton

ys or peanut butter. There are alwa the slight variations - the additionh of pickle can transfor m your lunc ginfrom very uninteresting to mar of , And ing. rest inte e ally mor on course, there is always the opti of taki ng slig htly mor e exo tic things to wor k. It’s amazing how to becomes after exciting the humble jacket pota sandwiches. This d brea e whit d soli three weeks of lucky enough to is only viable though if you aree, and not ever y have a microwave at the offic provide one, precompany is thoughtful enough to stew in lunchtime ferring instead to let its wor kers hell.

But you would be Eating out is always an option. es you fork out wag your of h muc surprised at how yday. The masno pun intended - if you do this everenjoy (ah, the ents sive disc oun ts that stud s your £2 lunches!)

Aberconway refector y, how I mis ers in the Real work to e labl avai are not readily a sandwich and a Wor ld. So say you spend £3 on£15 a week x 4 = t’s cup of coffee ever yday. Tha salary. Calculate £60 = a sizeable chunk of your take you on a very to ugh eno it’s and that for a year rmet meals. nice holiday with a selection of gou up for eating sandBut I suppose that would make k. wee the of day wiches ever y ga ir

Postcards from the Real World

Beating the bullies

By Nicola York

A

fter escaping the cruel world of the school playground you don’t expect to find yourself back there again. But bullying in the workplace is on the rise.

Half the population have been bullied in the workplace and often they don’t even realise it is classed as bullying.

Becky Wheeler, aged 23 was a victim of bullying and was not aware of it at the time: "I would be put down a lot and criticised for my work, which I know wasn’t of a bad standard. They found fault with everything I did and I lost confidence in myself.

Eventually I plucked up the courage

to leave and am now in a job where the people appreciate and encourage me.

"I wasn’t even aware that what was happening to me was classed as bullying until I went on a website about it. Looking back I wish I’d reported them to personnel."

The Trades Union Congress define bullying as "being singled out for unfair treatment by a boss or colleague" and includes: “- competent staff being constantly criticised, having responsibilities removed or being given trivial tasks to do - shouting at staff - persistently picking on people in front of others or in private - blocking promotion

- regularly and deliberately ignoring or excluding individuals from work activities - setting a person up to fail by overloading them with work or setting impossible deadlines - consistently attacking a member of staff in terms of their professional or personal standing - regularly making the same person the butt of jokes" Unfortunately, it seems that young people are often the target of bullying. About 5% of people who ring the UK National Workplace Advice Line are students, and a quarter are under the age of 25.

Psychologist Dr Lucy Richards says that young people are seen as easy targets and this may account

Money Talks

“Lack of money is the root of all evil” George Bernard Shaw

FACT FILE On average, a student leaving University today can be expected to have 3-5 careers and 10-12 jobs during a work life that will last 40/50 years." for the high numbers of under 25’s who experience bullying.

"People who are in their first job are likely to be less confident and feel less able to stand up for themselves. + "They may not realise they are being bullied and blame themselves for the abuse directed at them, by doubting their capabilities to do the job."

Charlotte Jones, a Marketing assistant, experienced bullying which led to her leaving her job: "My boss was OK at first but as the weeks went on he started picking on my accent and always making jokes about it. At first it was funny but after a while it got tedious and later upsetting. Once he even called me a ‘fucking bitch’ and tried to make it into a joke afterwards. I ended up bursting into tears one day and realised it had to stop."

Charlotte complained to the company and the bully was disciplined.

If you think you are being bullied at work there are several steps you can take: 1. Don’t suffer in silence. Tell a friend or work colleague. You may find that you are not alone in suffering.

2. Although you may find this approach intimidating, it is often effective to speak to the bully and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable. Bullies do not like being confronted particularly by someone who is calm and civilised.

3. Talk to someone in the personnel department or someone who you can trust who is in a higher position of authority.

4. Keep a record of the bullying as it occurs. This will be useful if you need to provide examples of the incidents in the future.

5. You may have to make a formal complaint and go through the correct procedure before anything can be done. Make sure you have a representative or friend to attend any meetings which may be held in relation to the complaint.

News in brief Doll-ful split

Barbie and Ken are splitting up just before Valentine’s Day according to Mattel, makers of the dolls.

Russell Arons, vice president of marketing at Mattel, said: "Like other celebrity couples, their Hollywood romance has come to an end". He added that they "will remain friends."

Barbie’s new status as a singleton means that she will sport a new look including a deeper tan and hoop earrings. This doll will be named ‘Slapper Barbie" and will have a string of one-night stands.

(I made the last sentence up.)

Apparently three Barbie dolls are sold somewhere in the world every second.

Like a sex machine…

A sex vending machine has been developed by a Dutch man. It sells sex toys, condoms and erotic lingerie and is designed as a less embarrassing alternative to sex shops.

The inventor wants to see them on every street corner in the future.

It’s child-friendly because you can only pay by credit card. The man says: "I'm working on a concept which makes it impossible for a wife to see where her husband has spent his money. The account will only show a neutral address,".

The City Council have granted him permission to go ahead with it but they can’t decide on the location at present.

The red light district might be a starting point…

Bush-baby nappies

George W. Bush is a wanted man.

An entrepreneur from Beijing is in the process of applying for permission to use his name for a brand of disposable nappies.

Apparently the pronunciation of ‘Bushi’ sounds like ‘not wet’ in the business man’s home town.

According to an official at the State Trademark Bureau the application was very likely to be rejected "because it may bring about bad social impact if a leader's name is registered as a trademark".

O brother where art thou?

A woman in America placed an advert in a newspaper to sell her Brother sewing machine but due to a misprint she was flooded with phone calls from people wanting to buy her brother.

The advert just read "BROTHER for sale" and was in the $50 section.

People have been ringing up wanting to buy her brother and one person even asked if the price was negotiable.

It could only happen in America.

If you have any careers or money queries email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk.

Media

Page 16

February 16 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

The BBC: Dead or Alive

Has the BBC really had its day or will it emerge from the Hutton crisis stronger than ever? Peter Bramwell and Gary Andrews give their verdict on the state of Britain’s public service broadcaster

By Peter Bramwell News Editor

P

eople often see the BBC’s coverage of news and politics as benchmark. But does it really deserve this praise?

Is in fact their popularity based more on a reputation built up over the last 75 years rather than the strength of their current output?

Today the BBC makes a big effort to present news as accessible to more people, and combat the increasing apathy to politics. It is easy to see the change of reporting style over the last five years from objective journalism to something much more tabloidlike. Just turn on the six o’clock news and the use of attention seeking, punch and judy style headlines is all too evident. Clumsy questions are continually posed such as ‘How will this affect Blair’s popularity?’ or ‘Is the government in trouble?’

The down side of this, though, is the personalising of politics.

Complex political issues often seem to be oversimplified. What really matters seems to be lost sometimes, and the tabloid style gone too far.

We should be asking questions about what sort of society we want to be living in, not cheapening issues.

CAMPBELL: Claimed victory

Panorama, for instance, used to be the BBC’s flagship documentary, and respected for its award-winning quality. It’s now moved away from peak weekday scheduling to late night on Sunday. Who made this decision?

The BBC now seem to be getting confused between explaining issues / policies and the cult of celebrity.

High profile interviewers often aggressively stamp out their person-

“The public should draw their own opinions rather than having them supplanted by presenters” alities and talk just as much as the politicians they speak to. The public should be able to draw their own opinions and conclusions rather than having them supplanted by presenters.

The BBC seem to be caught up in a trend which always assumes that politicians are dishonourable.

Admittedly any government needs to be held accountable, but always assuming the worst undermines and debases politics.

The BBC is chartered as a public service but seems to have compromised some of its old quality and comprehensiveness for ratings. We are in a consumerist society, but the BBC gets its funding from the licence payer, so why should it get involved in a ratings war and take on commercial channels? The BBC is in a privileged position, but it often treats the public badly. Its public service should not be second to a ratings war.

By Gary Andrews Media Editor

T

he word ‘crisis’ is bandied about so often that it’s easy to assume that people are over-exaggerating; at the BBC it’s the only word to use The Chairman and the Director General have gone and its charter is under threat from a hostile government. If you believe some corners of the media, the corporation is so outdated and out of touch that we’re throwing away our money when we buy our licence fee.

Granted, the BBC is far from perfect; the Hutton Inquiry showed that at least. But to come out with all guns blazing against Auntie is taking things a little too far. Next we’ll be told that the Beeb’s journalists were secretly fighting for Saddam.

But the broadcaster has already started to make changes. Mark Byford, the acting DG was right when he said that mostly correct wasn’t good enough for the BBC. It has standards

BBC: Not critical of the war

to uphold. At the same time those standards are still higher than a lot of broadcast media But anybody who thinks the Beeb’s job is to report the news, not make it, is wrong. If the BBC abandoned such investigations to just report popular news it would be dumbing down.

There are so many different channels each with news tailored towards their target audience. Newsnight on

“It would be a shame if a petty row with Labour spoiled the BBC” BBC2 provides excellent in depth reports into important issues, Radio 1 succeeds is making you interested in the dull political stories, while the 6 o’clock news reflects its audience.

Also, let’s not forget that they provide second-to-none local news and programming all over the country as well.

If anything, the BBC is fulfilling its public service remit more than ever.

The diversity of channels such as 1Xtra and BBC4 provide services to minority audiences that wouldn’t exist in a more commercial environment.

The nature of the Beeb means it can take risks on programmes like The Office, while producing crowd pleasing programmes, which are essential if it is to retain its market share.

Granted, the BBC is far from perfect. Sometimes it does appear to be trying too hard to match ITV and Sky in its style of programming which it shouldn’t have to do. But if it only produced highbrow shows that nobody watched, then it would surely be accused of being elitist and a waste of the licence fee. At least if people are tuning in, the BBC can claim this justifies the licence fee.

Granted, the corporation is far from

Beeb bashers ignore compelling Cardiff research gair rhydd on what the government didn’t tell you

By Alison White Reporter

A

midst the claims of the loss of the BBC, significant findings have been ignored. The BBC came under fire for Andrew Gilligan’s claims of a ‘sexed up’ dossier of government weapons of mass destruction.

The BBC was criticised for failing to check the details of Gilligan’s story as soon as the government complained. The Hutton inquiry was not the first time that the BBC has been accused of having an anti-war bias.

But despite the heavy criticsm, the BBC has been found to lean toward a pro-war bias. Research by Cardiff University School of Journalism,

Media and Cultural studies conducted a comprehensive analysis of UK broadcasters.

The BBC were most likely to use the British government as a source of information during the war and were a little more likely to use British military sources in its coverage than the other three channels. Fewer reports of Iraqi causalities were found on the BBC, as were interviews with independent sources, who were likely to be critical of the war effort. Professor Justin Lewis of the research team stated "The picture that emerges from our data is fairly clear: if there was a TV channel that was more likely to report information damaging to government’s case, it was Channel 4. The BBC, by contrast, was often the chan-

nel least likely to question the government’s line". Prof. Lewis told gair rhydd he "was a little surprised by the degree of the one-sided nature of the Hutton inquiry".

Media Tenor, the media research organisation, examined the Iraq war coverage on the World’s leading broadcasters and concluded, ‘The worst case was the BBC, which gave just 2 per cent of its coverage to opposition views- views that represented those of the majority of the British people’ The World Socialist website reminds us that before the anti-war protest in London, BBC deputy director of news, Mark Damazer, requested that BBC journalists such as Jeremy Paxman, Huw Edwards and Andrew Marr were not to attend. Many oppo-

nents of the war saw the BBC’s move as supportive of the government and the interests of Britain’s ruling class.

Regardless of the BBC’s stance, the effects of the Hutton inquiry on journalism has fuelled furious debate. NUJ General Secretary Jeremy Dear said: "The Hutton report poses a real and grave threat to journalism.

“It will mean that journalists face greater pressure to reveal their sources and whistle blowers will think twice before coming forward".

While Mark Byford, acting Director General of the BBC was anxious to deny that the tightening up of procedures will not mean increased defensiveness. He stated "It means we must be more cautious in the way we do the story but not in the story we tackle. We must be absolutely certain we get it right."

perfect. The Hutton Inquiry highlighted the need for changes, which was acknowledged and was being worked on before the law lord released his report. No company should rest on its laurels. It should always look to see what can be changed and improved for the better. The irony in this is Greg Dyke, the now ex-director general, actually had cut out levels of bureaucracy and had made the BBC into a more efficient organisation.

If the Beeb has dumbed down it’s only to compete in a more cut-throat market. The company has got a decent mix of serious and lightweight programmes that appeal to everybody, while the standard of journalism across its various news programmes is as high as ever, despite what Hutton says. Gilligan was the exception rather than the rule. Even so, his background research was a great example of investigative journalism at work.

The BBC may be subjected to attacks from the British press and government but it still has an impressive reputation abroad; it would be a shame if a petty row with Labour spoiled it.

ROW: Sparked off by Gilligan

Media Muddle Readers of the tabloids may recognize the name Rosie Reid. She’s the Bristol student who put her virginity up for action on E-bay. Now Bristol’s student paper claim to have an "exclusive interview" (conveniently ignoring the other tabloids, CNN and even Richard and Judy, who interviewed the girl before them). That said, the Epigram’s article is one any tabloid hack would be proud of. If they’re lucky a career with the Mirror or the Sun awaits them. If their less lucky, a career with the Star or Express.

ROSIE REID: Was on Richard and Judy at the height of her fame.

Media

February 16 2004

Page 17

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Reporting from the abyss As a journalist working in Zimbabwae Simbarashe Chabrika was attacked by supporters of Rober Mugabe. Here he talks to Mark Broad about his determination to return to his home country

I

n northern Zimbabwe, Simbarashe Chabarika, the Deputy Features Editor of Zimbabwe’s only independent newspaper, The Daily News, is on an assignment with a photographer. Reporting a story about the plight of ordinary Zimbabweans for his paper, Chabarika and his photographer are suddenly set upon by a crowd of President Robert Mugabe’s supporters.

The two journalists scrambled back into their vehicle, as the feared youth militia, hurling stones and abuse, surround them. Cement blocks and logs are rolled onto the road to block their escape, but Chabarika just manages to speed away to safety.

“If we had been caught, we probably would have been killed” reflects Chabarika from the safety of his new home in Cardiff. A year on from these events, Chabarika is now studying for a Masters in Journalism Studies at the Cardiff’s School of Journalism - a world away from the problems of his homeland.

The obsession of the British Press with celebrity seems, when compared to the plight of the media in Zimbabwe, incredibly simplistic and unimportant. In Zimbabwe, journalism fulfils a much more important role. During his time at the Daily News, Chabarika endured daily intimidation from the supporters of Mugabe’s ruling party, Zanu PF.

“While drinking in bars in Harare, Mugabe’s central intelligence operatives endlessly hurled abuse at us, calling us ‘black puppets’ and ‘unpatriotic stooges’”, says Chabarika. This really is journalism on the front line.

The situation in Zimbabwe is reaching crisis point; the rising tide of inflation is threatening to drown the county’s working class, which now stands at over 600% and shows no sign of dropping. When Chabarika left Zimbabwe last September, a loaf of bread cost Z$500, now this basic staple costs over Z$3000. Doctors in the country have been on strike for nearly three months, fuel is so rare as to be almost non-existent, 75% of the population are unemployed and 70% of people live below the poverty line. As Chabarika says, “The situation is bad and getting worse by the day”.

Chabarika expresses great frustration at the lack of action taken by the Western powers against the venal rule of Zimbabwe’s first independent leader, Robert Mugabe: “If the allies can bring about ‘regime change’ in Iraq and are so concerned by countries such as Iran, why can’t they do anything about Zimbabwe?” Hamstrung

by Britain’s colonial legacy in Africa and the country’s already overcommitted armed forces, Tony Blair’s much heralded commitment to ‘make a Africa a major priority of the Labour government’ now rings with a decidedly hollow tone.

Ironically, the main aid that Britain

and USA provide is in the form of food donations. They end up sitting happily in the stomachs of Mugabe’s supporters, while the majority starve at the behest of their long-standing leader. “In rural areas, the local Zanu PF leadership take an upper hand in food distribution”, Chabarika explains, “excluding the power of the WFP (World Food Programme) by accusing them of destabilising Zimbabwe.” The worst affected people are those affiliated with Zimbabwe’s main opposition party, The Movement for Democratic Change.

Possibly the most worrying part of the events in Zimbabwe has been the concerted silence of Africa’s other political leaders. Often hailed as the new generation of progressive democrats, leaders such as South Africa’s Thabo Mbeki and the Kenyan Prime Minister, Mwai Kibaki, have so far refused to confront Mugabe over his rule of Zimbabwe. For Chabarika, this conspiracy of silence from Zimbabwe’s surrounding countries has served to strengthen Mugabe’s hold on power, “Mbeki is as silent as a grave about human rights abuses in Zimbabwe; if this is African brotherhood then it is sheer hypocrisy”.

“Mbeki’s so-called ‘quiet diplomacy’ is a useless tactic that has allowed Mugabe to continue to harass his own people”, he protests.

Mbeki, in the past, has asserted that, “As patriots who occupied the same trench of struggle with

HOPE: Despite the state of his country, Simba wants to return Zimbabwe, when we, together, battled to end white majority rule in our region, we will do what we can to enable Zimbabweans to enjoy the fruits of their hard-won labour”.

Worryingly, Mbeki, the leader of Africa’s only genuinely multi-racial society, still seems stuck in a colonial mindset, obsessed with the imperial designs of Britain and America.

Mugabe has shrewdly used this everpresent feeling of colonial injustice to fan flames of defiance within Zimbabwe; by painting Tony Blair as a neo-colonialist who is only interested in stealing his country’s natural resources, he has managed to divert much of the attention from his liberal use of political violence.

“I think he is too drunk with power”, says Chabarika of Mugabe, “He is afraid of relinquishing power, because he does not know what will happen to him.” The capture of Saddam Hussein can have done nothing to alleviate these fears. “In his cupboard, he has the skeletons of over 20,000 innocent and defenceless civilians massacred in Matabeleland [a province of Zimbabwe] by his notorious North Korean-trained Fifth Brigade during the political uprising of 1983. He will never accept that he is finished”, warns Chabarika, “He has turned himself from a god into a devil in the eyes of his people- but he is a never-say-die dictator.”

So what does Chabarika see as a solution to his country’s problems?

“As long as Mugabe is at the helm, the standoff will remain”, he insists, “Maybe in the next general election, in May 2005, the political fortunes of the country might change”. “Hope lies in the Movement for Democratic Change or in a new or more sober Zanu PF leader, if, that is, our ‘dear leader’ ever vacates State House”. Despite the constant flow of negative news from his homeland, Chabarika maintains an

admirably equanimous view of the situation, “Leaders come and go, but the country will remain with its population.” It can only be hoped that the rest of the population share his optimistic outlook.

The independent press in Zimbabwe continue to be harassed and persecuted by Mugabe’s violent groups of secret police.

“Photographers’ cameras have been smashed, notebooks confiscated, torn or publicly burnt and journalists are often arrested”, Chabarika reports. “In most cases, the charges against them have been withdrawn. However, right now, my colleagues and I face charges under the notorious Access to Information and Protection of Privacy Act; a draconian new media law meant to suppress the operations of the private press in Zimbabwe”, he says.

While all the journalists in the independent press are affected by this new law, public or government media workers are not restricted by the new legislation. This is just the latest in a long line of arbitrary laws stretching back to his chaotic attempt to seize white owned farms in 2000; a move which precipitated the free fall of the country’s economy. “Ironically, the police are quick to arrest journalists, but slow to arrest criminals”, Chabarika reports, emphasising the increasingly depressing state of affairs in Zimbabwe.

The offices of his paper have been bombed and ransacked and the editor has been detained and charged, but Chabarika is determined to return to Zimbabwe after completing his Masters degree in Cardiff. “I will definitely return”, he insists defiantly, “Zimbabwe is my home and I love it there. Living in exile is not a good thing and, although I don’t know my fate in Zimbabwe, I am determined to return”, he says. With this sort of resolve, at least there is still some hope for Zimbabwe.

Free Stuff

Page 18

February 16 2004

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! To enter any of the competitions on this page, write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the Competitions pigeon-hole in the gair rhydd office, or simply email them to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk. Oh, and good luck.

The beautiful competition

Remember those boyish Scots who smiled their way up the charts with unashamedly happy tunes like ‘Under Sixteen Girls’, ‘Driftwood’ and er, ‘Happy’, supporting Oasis and having inoffensive, happy food fights on Top of the Pops?

Well gone is the happiness (partly due to the near death of the drummer and near-disintegration of the band) and Travis’ latest album, 12 Memories, is a much more serious and lyrically dark affair. They even slip an anti-war protest song into the mix in ‘Peace the Fuck Out’, earning them their first ‘Explicit Lyrics’ label, no doubt appalling their mothers and disen-

(02920224488) and are priced at £22.50 (subject to booking fee).

Or alternatively, if you’re feeling particularly lucky, answer the following question for the chance to win a pair of tickets for absolutely nothing. A bargain at half the price.

chanting some of their happiest fans. And as if that wasn’t enough, they display a total disregard for the Queen’s English on the track ‘Mid-life Krysis’.

Get locked in: Win Topshop/Topman Vouchers On Tuesday March 2nd from 69pm Topshop and Topman will be rocking Cardiff with their afterhours lock-in event. The lock-in, held at stores across the UK, is always a great night, held exclusively for students.

This year you can shop to the sounds of an exclusive mix made specially for the lock-ins by the London collective ‘Hey Ladies’ and get a special 20% discount off the latest spring/summer collections on the night. Style and Trend Advisors will be on-hand in selected stores to assist with their free fashion advice on the latest trends.

The Spring/Summer Topman collection features an eclectic mix, with oversizing playing a major role and colour palettes muted in pastel shades.

Topshop’s collection includes the return of chic femininity with soft, washed-down silks and chiffons, dresses with drop-waists and a colour palette of muted pistachio, flesh tones and silver. That’s what they tell me anyway, I was lost from collection. Why not just get your arses down there and have a look...

Like any good student night, the booze is free and flowing (now you’re paying attention…) or at least until you have drunk it dry. As if that wasn’t enough, everyone who makes a pur-

Robert De Niro played the character Travis Bickle in which classic film?

Rebels.

But Fran and the boys don’t care because they’ve sold millions of albums and

For a chance to win £25 worth of vouchers to spend on the night, simply answer the following question in the usual fashion:

Shop at Topman and you too could look like some of the hunks below:

If you know the answer, I suggest you send it, along with your name and contact number, to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk

by Thursday 19th February.

Still...er Crazy

chase on the evening gets a free overnight emergency kit containing everything you need if you’re stranded after that wicked night out.

Which London collective has made the exclusive music mix just for the lock-in nights?

can still fill an arena at the blink of an eye.

So if you want to catch them at Cardiff Arena on March 22nd, then hurry.

Tickets are still available from the box office

The man who got his meat and two veg caught in his flies (There’s Something About Mary), pissed off Robert De Niro (Meet the Parents) and brought us that pout (Zoolander) is returning to our screens with two back-to-back releases that promise to be equally big hits.

Starsky and Hutch is out in late

March, so watch this space for free preview tickets in a few weeks. But first up there’s the film that knocked Lord of the Rings: Return of the King off the number one slot in the US (which takes some doing), Along Came Polly.

Like the recent ‘creative’ catastrophe Gigli, it’s a rom-com starring Ben and Jennifer (Stiller and Aniston) but unlike Affleck and Lopez’s stinker it won’t have you squirming in your seats, fighting for the nearest exit and reassessing your will to live.

From the co-writer of Meet the Parents, Along Came Polly is about the tragically comic relationship between Reuben Feffer and Polly Prince. The recently (and extremely) jilted Reuben meets Polly at a party and decides that dating the fresh, funny Polly, an old flame from seventh grade, may be the answer to getting his life back on track. But, of course, it’s never that simple in Ben Stiller films. Cue embarrassing situations, frequent wisecracks and everything that

POST-MATCH ANALYSIS Seriously easy comp: Rachel Rees, Victoria Phillips and Joanne Lewis all get themselves a bottle of Malibu, jug and carton of cranberry.

Miss Selfridge comp: Rebekka Day wins herself £25 Miss Selfridge vouchers.

Lynx/Twister comp: (from way back) Tim Goodley wins the Twister duvet cover. I’m told it’s on it’s way.

All winners will be notified when your prizes are ready for collection.

could possibly go wrong doing so.

Preview screenings take place on Wednesday 25th February and we’ve got ten pairs of tickets to give away to you lucky, lucky readers.

The first ten people who email the answer to the following question to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk will get themselves a pair of tickets to the preview screening. Just tell us: What is the name of Ben Stiller’s character in Meet the Parents?

Livefree4aweek.net

This week’s winner is Jacky Issit who studies at Glamorgan

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

VARSITY EDITION PULLOUT

SWANSEA Versus

CARDIFF

VARSITY IX

‘Sports do not build character. They reveal it.’

V

18 02 04 Varsity Guide

Contents

Varsity Editor/Designer- David Williams Additional Design -

Tristan Thomas

Sub-Editors -

Thom Airs Ben Wright James Cooke Anna Hodgekiss

Contributors -

Tom Brown Nick Parnell John Stanton Toby Rigden Bethan Skelton Daniel Evans Beca Murphy Mark Giles

4 5 7 8 9 10 11

The Red and Blacks The Jacks A year in pictures Glory days A word from the inside It’s not just a game of rugby Where it all happens

Working together for a better Varsity

By Tom Brown AU President Despite the fact that Swansea University hosts for the Abbey National Welsh Varsity Challenge 2004, I am proud to have had a significant involvement in the organising of this years event.

Back in the Summer of 2003 I met with Mike Harding, the A.U. President at Swansea University, and we decided that due to its huge success last year and the sheer size of the event, it would be easier and better if we united our

resources and worked together to make Varsity 2004 bigger and better than ever.

Once again the neutral venue of the Brewery Field, home of Bridgend RFC, has been chosen to hold this spectacular battle on Wednesday 18th February.

Last year the Varsity was spectacular with fireworks both on and of the pitch resulting in the Cardiff boys lifting the trophy for the first time.

This year, the Swans are hungry for revenge while our valiant team are determined to defend their title.

The scene is set for the biggest showdown in the nine year history of the Varsity Challenge.

Since its conception in 1996, this event has gone from strength to

strength and we can now be proud that it has become the second largest varsity in the United Kingdom attracting close to a 5000 crowd. It is second only to the annual clash between Oxford and Cambridge.

But who knows, in a few years time it may well be the biggest.

The Welsh Varsity is now entering its ninth year, and the fourth year of its association with Abbey National.

This will also be the third year of the Abbey National Welsh Varsity Challenge Shield, an event that sees over 20 other university teams competing for the shield in daytime competitions.

The evening event will see many attractions including a brass band, face painting, cheerleaders, hot

snacks and drinks, half time competitions, a raffle and a number of licensed bars - all at student prices.

The price of the match ticket is just £5 and for an extra £3 the Athletic Union is providing every supporter transport to the fixture, leaving at 4.30pm from the back of the Union.

REMEMBER: with every match ticket that is purchased you can get your Rubber Duck ticket for just £1 and also for just £3 you can get your hands on an official Varsity T-shirt ,but hurry as stocks are limited.

All tickets and merchandise are available from the Athletic Union on the 3rd floor in the Union.

One of the most rewarding aspects of attending the game is that

you can rest assured that all the money raised from ticket sales goes to charity.

Last year you helped us raise £5,000 for the event benefactors, the Welsh Rugby Charitable Trust.

The charity continues to do a marvellous job in caring for severely injured rugby players and their families in Wales.

However, none of this would be possible without the generosity and co-operation of our event sponsor Abbey National, who genuinely believe in the value of student sport.

So, whether rugby is or isn`t of great interest to you, there is no excuse for missing the biggest and best sporting spectacle of the year.

Get your tickets NOW!

Meet the Squads - Cardiff

Varsity Guide Page 22

Cardiff’s 2004 Varsity squad features many of the players who were part of their successful side last year. With some of the elder statesmen of the side moving on to new things, this year will see some new players given the chance to experience what the Varsity is all about.

Chris Baxter

Matt Perkins

Ian Evans

Adrian Evans Cardiff University Rugby 1st XV Coach

Tom Lambert

Jack Bennet

2nd Year Engineering DOB: 10/12/80 Position: Centre / Out Stats: 5’8”14st 3lbs Playing History: Cardiff University 1st Team, Welsh Universities Ben Lloyd

3rd Year Physics DOB: 13/01/82 Position: Prop Stats: 6’ 17st Playing History: West Wales, Ebbwvale U21’s, Canterbury Country U19’s, Welsh Universities

3rd Year Law DOB: 2/08/81 Position:Outside half

Stats: 5’9” 13st Playing History: Neath U21

Rob Lawson

Brad Raison

3rd Year Politics DOB: 12/3/81 Position: Scrum half Stats: 5’9” 12st10lbs Playing History: Swansea Schools, Dunvant Youth, Mumbles, Saudi Arabia

Ed Bradnock

1st Year Optometry DOB: 1/01/84 Position: Prop

3rd Year Business DOB: 07/08/82 Position: Hooker Stats: 5’9” 13 st 4lbs Playing History: Bristol U21’s, England U21’s South, England South Students, Glamorgan Wanderers

Tom Eastham

3rd Year Engineering DOB: 5/02/83 Position: No.8 / Lock Stats: 6’4’’ 16st 7lbs Playing History: Swansea RFC, Crawshays

Stats: 5’11’’ 14st 7lbs

Paul Skilton

Stats: 5’11’’ 16st 7lbs

1st Year Engineering DOB: 5/06/84 Position: Flanker Stats: 5’10’’ 13st 8lbs

Playing History: North England U18

Playing History: Crawshays U21

Jon Walder

Playing History: North Lancashire

Toby Rigden

Tom Hocking

Msc Earth Science DOB: 4/12/81 Position: Scrum half Stats: 5’10” 13st2lbs Playing History: Swansea U21’s and Districts, West Glam.

Counties, Cardiff RFC, Welsh Universities

2nd Year Politics DOB: 27/03/84 Position: Scrum half

3rd Year Business DOB: 08/10/82 Position: Hooker Stats: 6’ 14st 7lbs Playing History: Welsh Colleges, West Glam, Neath College 1st XV, Swansea U19’s

3rd Year History and Politics

Position: Prop Iain Dick

Stats: 6’2” 15st Playing History: Salisbury, South Weslt U18

Damien Welch 3rd Year Law DOB: 28/07/82 Position: Lock

Position: Wing

2nd Year Economics DOB: 15/03/84 Position: Centre

Stats: 6’6’’ 16st

Stats: 5’11’’ 13st

Stats: 5’9’’ 13st 7 lbs

Stats: 6’7” 16st 12 lbs

Playing History: Reading RFC

Playing History: Nottingham Uni 1st XV

Playing History: Gloucester Academy

2nd Year Optometry

Owain Griffith

Position: Outside half

1st Year Law DOB: 6/03/84 Position: Flanker Stats: 6’2’’ 16st 3lbs Playing History: Crawshays, Welsh UNiversities

2nd Year Law

Tom Morrison

James Cole (captain)

Playing History: Moseley RFC 3rd Year English DOB: 15/04/83 Position: Flanker Stats: 5’10’’ 14st 4lbs Playing History: Wasps U19, Cardiff U19, Bridgend U21’s, Hampshire U20’s

Chris Mehrag LPC DOB: 22/03/80

Sean Madden

Position: Lock Stats: 6’3’’ 15st

Playing History: Wiltshire and Dorset Lawrence Price

2nd Year Law DOB: 28/08/83 Position: Flanker Stats: 6’3” 15st Playing History: London Wasps U21

1st Yr Medical Physics DOB: 25/8/81 Position: Wing Stats: 6’1’’ 15st Playing History: Glamorgan Wanderers, Welsh Universities

1st Year Journalism DOB: 3/12/83 Position: Full back Stats: 6’2’’ 14st Playing History: Cardiff U21

V

20

Varsity Guide Page 23

Meet the Squads - Swansea

After their first taste of defeat in a Varsity match last year, Swansea will no doubt be up for the cup even more this time. gair rhydd takes you through the players that Swansea hope will take the trophy back down the M4. Read on for an exclusive interview with Swansea captain Jon Tenconi.

Jon Tenconi (captain)

Ioan Ohlsson

Andy Littlehales

Nicholas Jones

Position: Flanker

DOB: 11/03/83 Position: Prop

Course: Politics

Course: Psychology

DOB: 2/11/81

Club: Swansea

V

04

Matt Davies

DOB: 23/01/80 Position: Wing

Club: Neath

Club: Corus

Club: Neath

DOB: 11/05/82

DOB: 4/01/83 Position: Number 8 Course: P.E.

Position: Flanker

Club: Ebbw Vale

Club: Swansea

Position: Centre

Aled Davies

Club: Swansea

Position: Lock Course: English

Peter Bussoughs

Club: Neath

Mark Sweeney

DOB: 27/07/83 Position: Wing Course: Mechanical Engineering Club: Newport

Position: Outside half Course: P.E. DOB: 21/03/84 Position: Scrum half Course: History Club: Swansea

DOB: 27/07/85

Club: Mumbles

Position: Prop

Club: N/A

Club: Swansea U19

Course: Media Studies

Position: Scrum half

Position: Centre Course: P.E. Club: Vardre

Steve Phillips

James Wheeler

DOB: 9/11/81 Course: Anthropology Club: N/A

Club; Llanelli

DOB: 27/07/83

Course: International Relations

Position: Flanker

Position: Centre

Joe Purcell

Position: Hooker Course: Marine Biology

Tom Pain

DOB: 17/03/82 Course: P.E.

Alex Campbell

DOB: 9/08/84 Position: Full back Course: American Business Studies

DOB: 22/04/85

DOB: 5/03/83

Club: Llangennech

Craig Voisey

Tim Payne

Club: Swansea U19

DOB: 3/08/81

DOB: 26/01/83

DOB: 11/03/84

Jack Purcell

Course: Agricultural Studies

Rhodri Wells

Rob Allen

Course: P.E. Club: Swansea

DOB: 7/10/83

Club: Narberth

Course: P.E. Arron May

Position: Prop

Position: Hooker Course: Geography Rich Aylett

Adam Jones

DOB: 6/04/83

Course: PhD in P.E.

Jack Dawson

DOB: 5/05/82 Position: Lock Course: Business Studies

Rhodri Hanmer

Course: Business Marketing Club: Swansea

Position: Lock Course: Anerican Studies Club: Tredegar

Pat

DOB: 3/08/81

DOB: 9/10/83 Position: Wing

DOB: 22/03/83

Position: Flanker Course: Mental Health Nursing

Club: Neath

Photo Gallery

Varsity guide page 25

A year in the life of Cardiff University rugby team in pictures Varsity 2003

Elation was unbounded as supporters and players past and present celebrated Cardiff’s first ever Varsity win

The Hong Kong 10’s tournament

The tournament in the Far East helped several of the Cardiff players develop their rugby (and social) skills

The season so far . . .

Crucial wins over Southampton and the Medics (centre) laid the foundations for a successful season for the 1st XV

Varsity History

Varsity guide page 26

A night to remember As a tribute to the boys of 2003, we take a nostaligic look back at the night when Cardiff’s Varsity ghosts were finally laid to rest.

Report by Daniel Evans A last-gasp try saw Cardiff wrestle the Varsity trophy away from local rivals Swansea for the first time in history.

A 4,500-strong crowd travelled to Bridgend’s Brewery Field ground to witness a dramatic and historic game that finished 19-12.

Cardiff captain Alex Luff was ecstatic with his side’s performance.

"From a captain’s point of view I can’t ask any more from my boys," he said.

"We took them on at scrums and lineouts and the platform our dominance achieved enabled our back line to play some flowing rugby."

Following several narrow defeats and a number of hidings given to them over the years, the Cardiff team took to the Brewery Field determined to end a run of defeats against the old enemy stretching back to 1996, with only one draw in that time.

The match started in familiar fashion when Swansea captain Sam Rees chose to kick to touch after being awarded a penalty instead of going for a shot at the posts where three points would have been assured.

Prop Olly Davies opened the scoring from the ensuing attack after clean lineout ball set up a ruck close to the Cardiff line.

Then, just before half time, Cardiff’s concerted pressure allowed a grubber kick to be collected by Griff Jones to

When we were going forward we looked good and Swansea didn’t really have an answer.

Alex Luff touchdown and send the Cardiff supporters into raptures.

After the break, runs from Swansea’s Wright and Jones left Cardiff’s defence exposed as they sliced through them like hot knives through butter.

And, under pressure, the Cardiff rearguard let Wright through for a score that Jones converted.

The dominance then switched back to the black and red shirts of the side from the capital.

With Luff urging his side on for one final push toward the opponents’ line, numerous turnovers gave quick possession to the backs, which they used to

their advantage.

Forcing several errors in the Jacks’ backline, Cardiff took their chance as scrum-half Rob Lawson squeezed through a gap.

His presence of mind coupled with strength and power, took him over the whitewash to score.

Substitute Baxter levelled the scores at 12-12 with the conversion.

In the last few minutes, Cardiff seized the initiative and pursued a grandstand finish.

Several breaks through the frail Swansea three-quarters gave them a line-out five metres out and swift interplay between Baxter and Nick Monahon created a gap for super sub Baxter to touchdown under the posts.

He added the conversion to make the score 19-12.

In a flashback to Swansea’s late comeback in 2001, the faithful Cardiff fans had to endure several waves of pressure before Luff and his forwards hustled them into yet another turnover and a long awaited victory.

The final whistle brought relief and satisfaction to Luff’s team as they entered the record books as the first Cardiff rugby team to take the Varsity trophy.

After years of humiliation at the hands of their near and bitter rivals it was Luff who lifted the trophy triumphantly.

Who said what after the match . . . “ . . . We prepared well. . . We were absolutely committed. . . Swansea didn’t pay us the respect we deserved and let’s hope we can keep it for the next five or six years. . . Fair play, everyone gave 110%. . . It’s good. It’s f***ing awesome. . .”

Current captain James Cole “ . . . In the forwards we beat them up and then spun it wide and scored decent tries. . . The crowd was awesome and the atmosphere was immense. . . You could hardly hear yourself speak out there. . .”

Match winning try scorer, Chris Baxter “ . . . I honestly do believe we turned up wanting the victory more than Swansea . . .They played very well but I think they were a bit relaxed in their attitude. . .But the win means a lot to me personally because I’ve been battling this year to really put rugby first and get our standard of rugby to reach this new level. . .We showed what we could actually achieve with proper preparation and team spirit. . .”

Cardiff’s captain Alex Luff “ . . .Two years ago when we were a score up going into the last play of the game, they scored a try to draw with us which hurt a lot. . .Personally, I think the coaches made fantastic substitutions to bring on Rob Lawson and Rich Davies. . .Rob obviously scored a try but praise to Chris Baxter, he stepped upto the plate to score a try like that towards the end was absolutely fantastic. . .”

Andy Boyd, 1st team captain 2002

Cardiff

Swansea 19

12 Tries - Baxter, Jones, Lawson Tries - Davies, Wright Conversions - Baxter Conversion - Jones Att. approx. 4,500

8th Varsity match, Brewery Field

Varsity Results 1997-2003 1997

Cardiff 11 Swansea 23

1998

Swansea 49 Cardiff 13

1999

Cardiff 13 Swansea 17

2000

Swansea 28 Cardiff 18

2001

Cardiff 10 Swansea 10

2002

Swansea 21 Cardiff 3

2003

Cardiff 19 Swansea 12

In the seven matches between the two sides Swansea have scored almost double points of Cardiff. Swansea’s 163 to Cardiff’s 87.

A word from the camps

A word from the skipper . . .

James Cole The Varsity Match is the biggest game in the Cardiff University rugby calendar.

Varsity is special because it is all or nothing, winner takes all.

It is a one-off cup final that gives us the chance to take on a team in a higher league, a chance that unfortunately we don’t often get.

To play in front of a crowd of 3000 screaming fans is something very few people ever have the opportunity to do and something that makes Welsh Varsity such an outstanding occasion.

More importantly from a player’s perspective, is the honour of representing the University 1st XV on such a big stage.

Turning out for the 1st team in any game is not something that the players take lightly, but to play in the Varsity

match means even more.

There will be a lot of pride on display and also a great deal of talent.

Winning last year makes this year’s game even bigger. It was tough last year and we know that it will be even tougher this time.

Swansea will admit that they underestimated us and they will look to make amends and we must be ready for a backlash.

This year’s side is as strong as any I have played in during my three years at University. More importantly, the attitude of the players this season has been outstanding, taking enthusiastically to weights programmes, 7am training sessions and new fitness regimes.

Competition for places has never been so fierce and there are going to

Varsity Guide page 27

Toby Rigden looks back on Cardiff’s hugely successful season so far in the lead up to the crunch match be a number of selection headaches ahead of next week’s game.

The first twenty minutes will be crucial and we must keep our composure. It took us most of the first half to get into our stride last year and we cannot afford to be that slow this time.

The team that deals best with the pressure of the occasion, and is able to settle quickly into a game plan, will hold an immediate advantage.

With the experience that both teams boast, I think that it really will be a thrilling battle and one which, like last year, will be typically won and lost up front.

Marc Heywood caught up with Cardiff’s captain What qualities would you say you bring to the job?

Dedication, commitment, the ability to lead by example, and the ability to communicate with every member of the squad.

Do you think these strengths will be particularly relevant on the night of the varsity?

Yeh, probably even more so, given the intensity of not only the game itself but also the build up. It will require a cool head in order to make key decisions on the field, whilst doing everything I can to ensure that the boys are properly prepared beforehand.

You recently came up against the Swansea captain, Jon Tenconi, at the England Students trial at Castlecroft. Is there a sense of personal rivalry bubbling under the surface, or are you too busy focusing on team objectives?

There is a certain amount of on the field rivalry between Tenconi and myself. However, that’s where the rivalry ends. I’d be a fool to let individual objectives get in the way of those of the team. I’ll simply be trying to get the best of my opposite number, something I aim to do in every single game, whatever the stage.

Having not played Swansea since last year’s varsity encounter, what, if anything, do you know about this year’s opponents?

Very little to be totally honest. However, they’ll be in exactly the same boat as us. As long as we do our job, then everything will fall into place.

Cardiff’s 49-24 win over Bristol brought an end to a dramatic season which has seen them crowned as BUSA South West Division One champions.

However, the 2003/2004 season began with a completely new set-up both on and off the field to the previous season.

With many of the club stalwarts finally leaving last year, and with a new coaching structure in place, the Rugby Club needed to mould a team quickly.

Prior to the start of the season, head coach Adrian Evans and team captain James Cole set out the standards that they wished Cardiff Rugby to aspire to this year: promotion into the premier league, success in the end of season BUSA shield knock-out competition and a repeat of last year’s Varsity triumph.

Cardiff began their league season with an encounter with their bitterest rivals, the Cardiff Medics.

Despite holding a clear advantage in the forwards, Cardiff were unable to dominate proceedings upfront and were out-played and out-thought by their Medical counterparts.

The defeat to the Medics served to galvanise the Cardiff side into a greater sense of purpose, with the swift introduction of the popular 7am training sessions quickly following.

Their next fixture saw them take on league newcomers Southampton Institute with several points to prove from the defeat the week before.

Despite never firing on all cylinders, Cardiff were able to dispatch the Institute with ease as they strolled to a 66-0 victory in atrocious weather conditions.

Having managed to exorcise many of the problems that had hindered their efforts against the Medics, Cardiff put in a performance in their next game against Swansea Institute that asked many more ques-

tions than it answered.

The scrappy affair was eventually won 6-3 by Cardiff against extremely limited opposition, a result made worse by the fact that the Institute were reduced to fourteen men for much of the second half.

In their first of two visits to the south coast, Cardiff put in a quality performance against Southampton.

With the Cardiff forwards establishing a solid platform and a steady stream of clean ball, the backs cut holes through their opponents defence and ran riot, notching up ten tries in a 61-9 victory.

With the return match against the Medics next on the agenda for Cardiff after a narrow 33-24 win against Bristol, it was essential that they continued to build on the positives from the last two fixtures.

In a complete reversal of the season’s opening encounter, Cardiff dominated the Medics in all elements of the game, winning 24-3 in a performance that epitomised the style of play they had been striving for all season.

Coming back after the Christmas break, Cardiff needed to recapture the form of the previous term quickly in order to keep up their promotion challenge. A 58-3 victory over Southampton Institute, despite many disruptions caused by the Autumn term exams, helped to shake off any rustiness felt by the squad.

With Swansea Institute unable to field a side in their next match, Cardiff went into the fixture against Southampton University short of game time and match practice.

In a game played in difficult conditions, Cardiff seamlessly changed their tactics from their usual brand of attacking rugby, to a more forward orientated driving game. Despite the referee calling the game up ten minutes early, Cardiff ran out overwhelming victors by 87-5.

The win over Bristol brought a close to a satisfying and successful season for Cardiff University rugby club, both on and off the field.

SWANSEA - SWANSEA - SWANSEA - SWANSEA - SWANSEA - SWANSEA - SWANSEA - SWANSEA - SWANSEA - SWANSEA - SWANSEA - S

“We want to win. It’s as simple as that.”

Sports writer John Stanton speaks to Swansea captain Jon Tenconi ahead of the Varsity match Having been involved in three previous Varsity encounters, Swansea 1st XV Captain Jon Tenconi will be looking to re-establish his team as the major rugby playing force in the Principality after last year’s surprise defeat by Cardiff.

“Last year was a good game,” said the Swansea skipper.

“The thing about the Varsity match is, even though we’re a couple of divisions above Cardiff, it never really shows because everyone always lifts their game for Varsity and it’s always a very good game.”

“From my own personal point of view, last year we went into it and wanted to win because Cardiff had never won before so we didn’t change

our preparation.

“We go into every Varsity match wanting to win and that’s the same this year, maybe more so.

“I don’t think we ever actually approach it differently.

“We always take the approach that we’re playing Cardiff, it’s a great occasion, probably the biggest sporting event of the year and we always want to win it.”

The Swansea line-up this year will bear little resemblance to the team defeated 12 months ago.

“We lost quite a lot of boys last year with people graduating,” added Tenconi.

“We have got quite a young team but there are some very good players, so if we can get our best team out then hopefully it should be a very good game.”

It has been an inability to field his strongest side on a weekly basis that has undermined Tenconi’s ability to

forge a truly successful team.

“What has been a major factor for us is that, with the new structure of Welsh rugby, it means a lot of players are now involved with the Premiership sides and have signed contracts,” he explained.

“We have a lot of boys who, in the past, have been available but are now no longer available because they’ve signed these contracts and the clubs have the final say” “The clubs have signed a lot of younger players which means we haven’t always been able to put our strongest team out.”

Tenconi himself has not had such constraints forced upon him.

“I’m playing with the Swansea semi-pro side and they’ve been really good and respected the fact that I’ve been Captain of the University so that’s been quite helpful.”

There is clearly a sense of regret as

Tenconi reflects on his team’s BUSA performances this year.

“A lot of games have come down to the wire and we’ve often been leading and then lost. Little mistakes at key moments have changed games. We’ve lost a lot of games that we should prob-

ably have won.”

The Varsity encounter provides Tenconi and his team with the perfect opportunity to make amends for a hitherto indifferent season and reclaim their status as the best University side in Wales.

Varsity could be a forward dominated affair

Varsity guide page 28

Cazz Earl, women’s hockey 2nd year Physiology and Psychology "Last year we were robbed. They scored an illegal goal from outside the ‘D’ and it should have been disallowed. They’ve since admitted it!

This year we’re seriously out for revenge. We wiped the floor with them last week, why should Varsity be any different!?"

Peter Andre or Jason Donavon?

"Isn’t Jason Donavon gay…?!"

Rugby, football or hockey boys?

"Hockey!"

Varsity Shield

Anna MacKew, mixed lacrosse 3rd year Language and Communication "Last year’s team easily beat Swansea. This season we have played in two triangle matches and are so far undefeated. We should get a win for the University" Ant or Dec? "Ant" Rubber Duck or Comeplay?

"Rubber Duck"

By Bethan Skelton A.U. Vice President Everyone’s heard of Varsity.

To most, this phrase conjures up the picture of Cardiff University’s top rugby team battling it out against the elite of Swansea Uni on a cold, damp, February evening.

However, Varsity is more than just one match; it is also the competition between the two rival universities in a wide spectrum of sports that takes place over the whole day.

Mark Dunn, men’s hockey 3rd year, Business Administration "Swansea aren’t very good at hockey- we only won 4-1 last year! We played them a week ago and won 8-1, so spirits are running high at the moment. Big things are going to happen!"

Any comment on your vice captain? "(I have a vice captain…??!) You mean Tony ‘the rock’ Gough!!? He’s a great role model for the younger players and a tower of strength for me. I love him!"

Within many different sports from basketball to tennis, and this year even sailing, both our men’s and

Matt Kay, men’s football 3rd year Accounting and Management "Swansea are reigning busa champions, so we are probably Cardiff ’s main under-dogs and looking for the tournaments biggest upset. Last year was close with Swansea only winning 1-0, thanks to a solid Cardiff defence" Scoring a goal or a girl!? (Thinks for a remarkably long time…) "A girl" Favourite film- (lightning fast) "Grease 2"

Chris Jeffryes, men’s squash 2nd year Business Administration

"Last years’ team won 5-0, however this year’s team isn’t as strong as three of our former first team players have left. Saying that, Swansea are pretty gash (Varsity Ed has no idea what this means either), so we’re still confident of an easy win."

Any handy squash tips? "Use the side wall on your serve, hit the ball with your shoulders facing the wall, and always- I repeat alwaysaccessorise with matching racquet strings and grip colour!"

women’s teams will be taking their best selection of players to Swansea in order to retain the Varsity shield.

This prize is given to the University that won the most matches over the variety of sporting disciplines, and easily fell into Cardiff’s hands last year. The competing teams this year are: golf, sailing and mixed lacrosse, men’s basketball, badminton, fencing, football, squash, tennis and hockey.

Women’s fencing, football, hockey, netball, rugby, and tennis.

We spoke to a selection of captains and vice captains from a few of these teams in order to gauge what Varsity means to them…

Hannah Fraser, women’s football 3rd year Accounting "Swansea should be scared- they didn’t even bother to turn up last year, and that really annoyed us! We have the strongest team for as long as I remember, so it should be an easy win. We also have internationals in the form of Emma Jones and Laura Roberts, and also a handful of Welsh Uni players."

Johnny Wilkinson or David Beckham?

"David Beckham" Most likely to be spotted… "Ripping up the dance floor every night in the union!"

Chris Powell, men’s fencing 2nd year Maths

Hywel Bronby, men’s basketball 3rd year Computing "It’s our first year in Varsity, but we’re confident of an easy win because the Swansea boys are two divisions below us. We were highly successful last season, and runners up to the AU Team of the Year. All things considered I’m pretty confident of a big win."

Favourite song- The Darkness, “A Thing Called Love"

"We have already played Swansea once this year, and unfortunately we came out second. We know that Swansea will be putting out a good team, but we are still quietly confident of getting a win" Favourite film: "Blues Brothers" Gruesome fencing story…"One of my mates got stabbed in the leg and punctured his right thigh…worst thing was he also broke his sword!"

Saq Rana, men’s tennis 4th year, Pharmacy "Last year Swansea pulled out. And the year before that our second team took on their first team- and won. So we’re pretty confident this year. We have a strong team; the job will be done!"

Favourite drink: "Sambuca" Britney or Beyonce? "Beyonce"

The Ground

Varsity Guide page 29

Field of dreams

With home advantage abolished this year, what effect will it have to the fixture on the field?

Bridgend’s and Celtic Warriors’ Brewery Field ground

Bridgend and the Brewery Field: Facts and Figures

By David Williams Varsity Editor

Last year saw the Varsity match being played at the Brewery Field in Bridgend for the first time in its eight-year history.

And, like many, yours truly was surprised to see that this year’s match was also kicking off at the Celtic Warriors’ home ground.

After disputes last year that led to the fixture moving from the Arms Park in Cardiff, it would naturally have seemed obvious that Welsh University’s fiercest rivalry would, once again, grace the hallowed turf of St. Helen’s in Swansea.

However, due to the joint organisation between both universities in the event this time round, and the success of it twelve months ago, it was agreed that for the foreseeable future, the home of the Varsity would be in Bridgend.

It must be noted though that the Varsity Shield events this year will still take place in and around the Swansea area.

But just how much does the factor of a neutral venue take away the competitive edge and hard fought rivalry?

From the evidence of last year, the answer would have to be not at all as Cardiff claimed their first win in Varsity history.

And I’m sure that James Cole and his squad will not be complaining about any lost atmosphere this year if they regain the crown and the bragging rights for the next twelve months.

The 4,500 crowd at last year’s match, one of the biggest in the Varsity’s short tenure, was another reason for the organisers to stick with the Brewery Field.

The fact that the ground in Bridgend has three bars was also taken into account along with the general standard of facilities when compared to those of St. Helen’s.

It would be fair to say that the playing surface and the history of the Swansea ground is superior to that of Bridgend but with shared organisation for the first time, it was deemed that a shared venue should be used.

However, listening to the views from both camps, I’m sure that it will be what happens on the field that makes winning the Varsity match a success or failure in the eyes of organisers from both camps.

For now, it looks as if the Brewery Field is here to stay as the home for the Cardiff-Swansea Varsity match.

Here’s to another Cardiff win.

This year’s Varsity, like last year, supports the Welsh Charitable Trust with proceeds going to it from ticket sales.

The trust was set up in 1972 and aims to help out those who have been seriously injured whilst playing rugby or football in Wales.

The trust’s meetings are

chaired by the President of the Welsh Rugby Union, Sir Tasker Watkins and, since its inception, has raised over a million pounds in its thirty-two year history.

Injured ex-pros have been given numerous aids to help them in daily life such as cars, computers and wheelchairs.

Bridgend Rugby club was formed in 1878 by local businessmen in the York Hotel in the town.

The black raven on their badge came from the Dunraven family who were very powerful in the area at the time.

The club moved to the Brewery Field in 1957 after playing at four different venues, and flourished on the field in the 1960’s with four championships and three runners-up spots.

In the 1970’s, the club had several

of the biggest names in Welsh rubgy playing for them.

Notably JPR and JJ Williams, Steve Fenwick and Jeff Young who were integral members of the dominant Welsh sides of the decades.

They won the Schweppes Cup in 1980 and were finalists in 1981 and 1982.

In the 1983-84 season they scored a world record 269 tries but still finished as runners-up in the league.

The 1980’s and 1990’s produced future Welsh stars Mike Hall, Gareth

Thomas, Rob Howley, and Dafydd James.

The clubs’ debts were taken over

by Leighton Samuel in 1999 after some troubled times for the club who now compete in the semi-professional Welsh first division, as their star players make up some of the new regional team, the Celtic Warriors, along with Pontypridd.

And after further finiancial worries for the new regional outfit, the Brewery Field has now become the home of Lyn Jones’ Warriors.

Bridgend Legends

Gareth ‘Alfie’ Thomas

Had two spells at the club in between a stint at Cardiff in the 1990’s. Is set to become Wales’ record try scorer with two needed to beat Ieuan Evans’ record of 33. He lifted the last professional Welsh premiership trophy as captain in 2003 and is now a key player for the Celtic Warriors.

John Paul Rhys (JPR) Williams

A legend of Welsh and world rugby. JPR came back to his place of birth from London Welsh in 1976 and is now a director of the club. He won 55 caps for his country in a 12 year international career which spanned the most successful period of rugby in the principality. One of the greatest ever.

Robert Howley

Played for the Ravens before heading off to the big smoke of Cardiff in 1996. He made his debut for Wales in the same year against England.

Captained his country 22 times as part of the Welsh team under Graham Henry that won 10 matches in a row.

Now plays for Wasps in the Zurich Premiership.

2004 VARSITY FIXTURES TEAM

VENUE

TIME

Golf

Clyne Golf Course

11.00am

Men’s Badminton

Sketty Lane

12.30pm

Men’s Fencing

Sketty Lane

12.30pm

Women’s Fencing

Sketty Lane

12.30pm

Netball

Sketty Lane

12.30pm

Men’s Football 1sts

Sketty Lane

12.45pm

Men’s Football 2nds

Fairwood

12.45pm

Women’s Football

Fairwood

12.45pm

Mixed Lacrosse

Fairwood

12.45pm

Women’s Rugby

Sketty Lane

12.45pm

Men’s Hockey

Sketty Lane

1.00pm

Men’s Squash

Sketty Lane

1.00pm

Men’s Tennis

West Glamorgan

1.00pm

Women’s Tennis

West Glamorgan

1.00pm

Sailing

Port Talbot

1.00pm

Men’s Basketball

Sketty Lane

2.00pm

Women’s Hockey

Sketty Lane

2.30pm

THE MAIN EVENT - CARDIFF V SWANSEA AT THE BREWERY FIELD KO 7PM

Television

February 16 2004

Page 31

minger@jade.lard

Your essential guide to this week’s TV February 16 - 22

Jade gets a reality check Brace yourself for the return of Goody as Back To Reality takes over five

HOT Pixies In a matter of minu t e s , B o s t o n ’s finest sold out four dates at the London Brixton Academy, after a 13year hiatus of playing in Britain. Those of us unlucky enough not to get tickets can only hope they tour again.

SOAPS The House Of Stuart Neighbours (BBC1 weekdays, 1.40pm and 5.35pm) was brilliant last week. The climax of the completely wonderful “Life Mechanics” storyline, which resulted in Stuarts untimely demise, concluding with him sitting, drenched in melancholy staring at a candle on the dashboard of his car. Awww.

Luckily, Taj remembered he had an uncle who said he could live for a bit in his caravan, and so Stuart’s been miraculously saved. Strange, how Taj didn’t remember about his Uncle’s caravan when he was left in the lurch and had to live with the Kennedy’s. But the poor boy’s been through a lot, not least Nina’s hymen.

Tune in this week to see if Stuart can get his revenge on life mechanics, or just mope about.

Sean Williamson is a bit of a TV whore this week, gracing our screens not only on 24 Hour Quiz (ITV1, various times throughout the the week), but also in Gender Swap (Monday, five, 10pm).

Also starring Carol Smillie, the programme (I’m hoping it’s a one-off) tries to prosthetically alter the two ‘celebrities’ so they can pass as the opposite sex. Frankly I don’t see the point, and I have a deep suspicion that it won’t work even if it did matter, but the thought of ‘Mrs Janine’ donning a brassiere, make-up and stilettos is quite amusing... and may be enough to wipe that smug smile off Carol’s face.

My second pick is, of course, Footballers’ Wives (Wednesday, ITV1, 9.30pm) - what else? Setting itself in a world of sex, drugs and intriguing sexual favours that I wish I inhabited, the mental/sexual storylines and shit acting makes me horny and gleeful all at once, which of course can only be a good thing.

I’ve already got loads of ideas form the first episode that I’m just dying to put into action... I’m just sad I didn’t get into it sooner. Happy viewing, love TV Holly xxx I hope you’re all music award freaks like all good students should be, because you’re in for a treat this week. Not only are the NME Awards on (Thursday, C4, 1.50am) on but you also get The Brit Awards

(Tuesday, ITV1, 8pm). So whatever your taste. Be it fashion-concious namby-pamby drivelling idiots spouting pop-culture tedium, or The Brits, there’ll be an award for you. Games to play include “spot the lack of controversy”, “spot the obviously-created catery in order to give an award to someone who hasn’t been voted for any” and the “how many awards will Radiohead win” drinking game which, all-in-all should be fun.

Although the latter is only advisable if you feel like being teetotal for the evening. The Brits, in recent years, have slowly descended the gradient of being memorable - Justin having a fumble (as he seems to do on a suspiciously reg-

ular basis) and... hmm who remembers who actually won anything last year?

Here’s hoping all your favourites win! Have fun! TV John xxx TV Andy here, desperate to get home in time for Garth Merenghi so I’ll keep it short, sweet and pretty much to the point.

First up there’s the presence of Back To Reality on five’s evening schedules. On every day at 8pm, the thought of some of TV’s biggest twats like Ricardo, Rik Waller and the all-consuming ball of ming that is Jade Goody stuck in a house together is enough for me to projectile vomit over the screen. However I’m sure it’ll be riveting viewing with the entire house being subjected to Truman Show type controls inside a giant studio.

Elsewhere the Brit Awards 2004 (ITV1, Tuesday, 8pm) promises to be a prize collection of tossers, industry monkeys and liggers creaming themselves over Dido winning twisted bits of metal for selling lots of albums. With The Darkness likely to clean up (their homogenising into vacuous pop complete) even the more interesting categories will be filled by the same bland shite. Not that I really care...

Finally on Friday in Sex And The City Samantha is making big hair decisions after her chemotherapy.

I’m certain she’ll look great in a nice Ted Nugent mullett. Nighty night boys and girls.xxx

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY Hello my little porcupines. Hope you’re all feeling sprightly after a weekend of boning the person of choice to near death.

And with those formalities out of the way, I’ll launch straight into something to keep you occupied while said person recovers/give them enough time to run away. We mentioned Catterick last week, but this week it starts in earnest. VIc and Bob have a reputation of inconsistency: Shooting Stars quickly dropped into real tumbleweed territory after a couple of series, despite the brilliance of The Smell Of Reeves & Mortimer and Vic Reeves’ Big Night Out. However, this seems like a return tothe absurd and surrealcomedy that they do best, and with the repeat of the first episode on BBC3 on Tuesday at 9.30pm. With appearances from Reece Shearsmith, Matt Lucas and Charlie Higson, to name a few, it may be worth getting into.

If you can’t be bothered to ‘get’ their humour, then lay back and enjoy Sex On The Job (Sky One, 11pm) to get ideas about what to do in those dark, damp lecture theatres... Lots of love from TV Holly xxx

The Wedding Flan-ner! Live and Let Pie! The Crust-So Story!

American Pie 3 - The Wedding is out on DVD and video right about now.

If I’d only had enough room for a brief synopsis, I’d say it was better than the second film in the trilogy, but not as good as the first. This, obviously suggests that the directors noticed all the flaws with American Pie 2 - The Captionless One and ironed them all out for a spangly new flick. Not so, because all the flaws are still there. The trite sexist shenanigans, the “what would be the best way of ruining a comedy film oh I know!...” stupidity of the sentimental ending, and many of the other things that made its predecessor so awful. On the plus side, the boring robotic football player character has been completely eradicated and Seann “Crap Emilio Estevez” Williams Scott is there. The soundtrack this time around is top-notch with poppunk and mysteriously British music. For a film called American Pie, about American kids in America, the title song is Laid by James. James!

NOT

Jordan Cool as it may be to say “yeah Jordan’s great because she’s not completely thick or anything” at the moment, there really is no hiding the fact that this woman is a glorified two-bit whore and if you knew her in real life, you’d totally hate her infested guts. FACT.

SPORT Lots of Athletics on BBC2 as the Grand Prix comes to Birmingham.

While it’s not the Olympics, if men and women in vests and shorts working themselves into a big sweat does it for you then take the phone off the hook as you’ll be in heaven. More Rugby as well next weekend.

FILMS Lars Von Trier’s controversial Scottish drama Breaking The Waves is on Channel 4 (Monday, 1.05am, S4C, Tuesday 1.20am).

His first true critical success, Emily Watson and Stellan Skarsgard give powerful performances in this staggering testament to human spirit. Deeply moving and utterly compelling.

RADIO Everything great comes from fairly obscure means. And having seen the aesthetic representation of the characters from Little Britain it could be easy to forget that it stemmed from a sketch show on Radio 4.

So as a special tribute to the televisual success that was the zany show, Matt and David are being aired again in their original medium at 6.30pm on Tuesday.

I’m not sure how many of the characters I know and love are going to lend their voices to the session, but I can guarantee that Marjorie Dawes and her invaluable advice, Vicky Pollard and her indecisive reminiscing of fingering in the Dorset fields, and Dafydd, the only gay in the village will be gracing the waves.

So give it a listen to tide yourself over till the next series, which is scheduled for the autumn.

Monday

Today in your Union

Page 32

February 16-22 2004

me@comebucket.com

Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night £200 drinks voucher give away.

Dub Pistols, Culprit One, Chico Fresco + West One Factory has been relaunched, with the main room sounding music containing a range of alternative styles. One mission will be running a weekly open decks session in the bar, while the Live Music Society and Oddsoc will provide rock and metal in the backroom, on top of regular guest bands and DJs. Furthermore, by popular demand it’s FREE! (with NUS).

Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night

The Handler Sky One 10pm

Infested ITV2 8pm

X-Ray BBC1 7.30pm

Gender Swap five 10pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Doctors 15.05 Parkinson 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 Rugrats 16.25 XperiMENTAL 16.40 Watch My Chops 16.55 Blue Peter 17.20 Newsround Extra “New in, kiddiewinks! Andi Peters isn’t gay! Now, not being gay means...” 17.35 Neighbours Boyd stands by Sky. Lyn helps Liljana put her troubles in perspective. Sky can't forgive Serena for not sticking up for her. And the fact that she’s a pug-faced growler too, no doubt.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Holiday 2004 19.30 X Ray I stare and stare at TV John’s crotch but it’s not going seethrough.

20.00 EastEnders Sharon desperately tries to get her family back to normal. By shagging Dennis, and about time too.

20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Sea of Souls Oh my god, I have just looked up to be confronted by a Delta Goodrem calendar. You’ve really got to wonder about the people in here.

I may fancy Alan Rickman but...

22.00 BBC News 22.35 Somebody's Daughter, Somebody's Son 23.35 The Leaving of Liverpool 01.20 Sign Zone: Walking with Dinosaurs 01.50 Hey Big Spender!

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.30 Xchange 08.00 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBBC: Blue Peter 09.00 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 09.25 Looney Tunes 09.35 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 10.00 CBeebies: Tweenies 10.20 Little Red Tractor 10.40 Balamory 11.00 FILM: The Land before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure ** 12.10 Big Screen Britain 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 Match of the Day Live: 6th Round Draw 13.35 Trade Secrets 13.45 FILM: The Long Voyage Home **** 15.30 We Got a New Life 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 19.05 Phill Jupitus's TOTP 2 The most musical thing I’ve ever seen Phill do is attempt to play the spoons on Buzzcocks...

He might be OK...but then again, this features Blink 182...

19.30 Fred Dibnah's Age of Steam: Steam and the Modern Age 20.00 Terry Jones' Medieval Lives: The Monk 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 21.30 Coupling 22.00 The Catherine Tate Show 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Robert Hooke: Victim of Genius 00.25 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Island 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Talk German 1-6 02.30 Germany Inside Out 1-5

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.55 ITV News Headlines; Local News and Weather 11.00 OK!TV 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 15.55 Hey Arnold!

16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Things take a dramatic turn on the eve of Andy and Katie's wedding, and Andy accidentallly takes her up the wrong ‘un.

19.30 Coronation Street Steve and Karen's dream wedding turns into a nightmare when Tracy drops a bombshell at the altar.

“Don’t do it, I saw him bumming Pollard, the old cad.”

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Stunned by Tracy's revelation, Steve tries desperately to win Karen round and save his marriage.

But it’s too late...

Pollard’s drilling holes into the church walls...

21.00 Life Begins 22.00 Tarrant on TV 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Barry Welsh is Coming 23.30 24 Hour Quiz 00.30 The Brits Are Coming 00.55 Football League Extra 01.35 Today with Des and Mel 02.25 I Want That House 02.50 Painting the Stars 03.15 Entertainment Now!

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 07.10 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 07.25 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 07.40 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 07.45 Planed Plant Bach: Slici a Slac 08.00 Planed Plant Bach: FTPD 08.30 Planed Plant Bach: Medabots 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Bewitched 09.55 FILM: The Long Arm *** 11.40 Home Movies 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Time Team 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Medabots 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Ffion leaves for Morecambe, the place to be if you like shellfish and aren’t English.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm There is some bad news for the Cic Mul Brewery when Tawr Taverns cancel their order. “What the hell can I do with this comeflavoured lager? It’s a Valentine‘s special!”

20.25 Ffermio Weekly 21.00 Cefn Gwlad 21.30 Sgorio 22.30 Faking It: Rock Chick This is the one with the Chrisitian choirgirl who wants a good boning - sorry, I mean, who wants to fake it as a rock chick. Indecent scenes of hanging out with Amy “Just a little girl” Studt. 23.30 Without a Trace 00.30 Will and Grace 00.55 Jutland: Clash of the Dreadnoughts 02.55 FILM: The First of the Few ***

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Oswald 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the Murdered Madam ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Hayley covers Alex in plaster.

That’s one way of keeping him hard.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Strangest Ever Including a sofa that thinks it's a car! How incredible.

20.00 Back to Reality 21.00 The Curse of Blue Peter 22.00 Gender Swap Documentary following two celebrities, TV presenter Carol Smillie and EastEnders actor Sean Williamson, as they face the challenge of passing themselves off as members of the opposite sex. TV Andy says this looks very scary. I think it looks gash. Poor ex-Barry: it’s bad enough having to pretend to shag Janine without having to carry round a pair of false norks for a day. Actually... 23.00 Back to Reality 00.05 Cosmo's 50 Ways to Please Your Woman I hear the sound of certain people’s videos being set... 01.30 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 02.25 US PGA Golf: Buick Invitational 03.15 NASCAR BUSCH Series 04.05 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 3 Non-Blondes 19.30 Three's a Crowd A dating show featuring three contestents. Honestly, this is a real programme and not part of my sordid imagination...

20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Fantasy Parenting The Michael Jackson method. Step one: take some Jesus Juice...

22.00 EastEnders Adi and Tariq fall out over Vicki's new venture.

Apparantly she’s trying to get into the fashion scene. By uniting fanny packs with jellied eels in an Emin-like style statement.

22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 Cyderdelic 23.30 Live at Johnny's Johnny Vaughan takes a ‘funny’ look at the day featuring comedy, topical items and guests. I am dubious...

00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.00 Three's a Crowd 01.30 Little Angels 02.00 Parent Trap 02.55 Live at Johnny's 03.25 Liquid News

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.00 Coronation Street 12.30 Emmerdale 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 Judge Judy 17.50 Confessions Once I woke up with a breadstick up my arse.

Strange but true, kids. Good thing I don’t have a gluten allergy.

18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 20.00 Infested: Under Your Skin A look at the creatures that bite, poison and suck blood, plus Britain's scariest spiders including a relative of the deadly black widow which has colonised the Isle of Wight. Eek! 20.30 Infested: Is Nowhere Sacred? No, not even my arse apparently. 21.00 Celebrity Fit Club 22.00 House of Horrors 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 The Frank Skinner Show 00.20 Jerry Springer 01.10 Late Show with David Letterman 02.00 Teleshopping 03.00 ITV Nightscreen 04.00 Trisha 05.10 David Letterman

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Yu-GiOh! 08.00 Best of Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.00 The Russell Grant Show 14.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 15.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Britain's Hardest 22.00 The Handler 23.00 Sex on the Job Series about workplace affairs. Tales of kissing in the cloakroom and flirting on the fire escape.

Boring! Don’t they mean ‘fucking on the fire extinguisher’? Or fucking using the the extinguisher as an anal intruder?

00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 02.40 FILM: Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story ** 04.20 The Amazing Race 05.10 Guilty!

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me Sitcom about a teenager. Molly is shocked when Brazilian exchange student Rosa moves in and shows her her minge. ”Seriously, it’s the thing to be bald in Brazil...”

19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 Sex and the City Carrie weighs up the feeling that she should have a baby with Alexander. WTF? She’ll never feel cock with pregnancy-expanded flaps. No, Carrie, don’t do it!

22.35 Smack the Pony 23.10 Porn: A Family Business: Las VegASS 23.45 Porn: A Family Business: Seymore's Other ASSets 00.25 Hollyoaks 00.55 Little Friends 01.20 Celebrity Five Go Dating 01.50 Smack the Pony 02.20 Porn: A Family Business 02.50 Porn: A Family Business

As S4C, except: 06.10 The Hoobs Tula's picture is certainly lovely, but what is it? That’s her growler, you fools. 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 The Bernie Mac Show 09.55 Judging Amy 10.50 ER 11.45 Icons: Marilyn Monroe 12.30 Grudge Match 12.45 Film Fever 12.50 FILM: The Scarlet Pimpernel *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Ideasfactory: The Real - That Thing on My Head 20.00 Salvage Squad 21.00 Men of Iron 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 FILM: To Live and Die in LA *** 01.05 FILM: Breaking the Waves **** 03.55 Bloody Women Women talk frankly about rag week. No one wants to know about the bits of liver you’re ejecting, ladies. 04.55 This Time Next Year 05.00 The Channel 4 Political Awards 2004 05.45 Animal Alphabet 05.50 The Zack Files

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Tuesday

February 16-22 2004

Page 33

notalent@britawards.com

Neighbours BBC! 5.35pm

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.30 Xchange 08.00 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBBC: Blue Peter 09.00 Out There 09.25 Looney Tunes 09.35 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 10.00 CBeebies: Tweenies 10.20 Bill and Ben 10.40 Balamory 11.00 FILM: The Land before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving *** You can tell it’s half term can’t you... 12.05 What a Carry On! 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Trade Secrets 13.10 FILM: Saint Joan ** 15.00 The Life Laundry 15.30 We Got a New Life 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons “Ain’t it kind of funny dad we came all the way to the Superbowl and didn’t see any football...”

18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Oh great, a double episode.

19.05 Phill Jupitus's TOTP 2 With Rod Stewart, Ian Dury, De La Soul, Prince Buster, Ms Dynamite and Sailor. Again a guest host raises the standard - let’s hope they show Me Myself And I...

19.30 Hidden Gardens 20.00 Diet Junkies The team meet some real-life dieters in Wolverhampton. Great now you can see some lardies from my hometown. Expect impenetrable accent scenes.

21.00 The Third World War 22.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Paris Brothel: Storyville 00.30 Andre Breton's Naughty Bits 01.00 Joins BBC News 24

Brit Awards 2004 ITV1 8pm

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.55 ITV News Headlines; Local News and Weather 11.00 OK!TV 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Rosie and Jim 15.30 The Angry Beavers 15.55 Bernard's Watch 16.10 Tutenstein 16.40 SpongeBob SquarePants 17.00 24 Hour Quiz Crap quiz meets Big Brother - how could it fail?!

18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; 19.00 Emmerdale Len gives Pearl the surprise of her life. Let me guess; it’s pink, has ears and vibrates rapidly.

19.30 The Ferret This week Freddy gets into a fight with a rabid badger.

20.00 The Brit Awards 2004 Expect talentless wonders to be slapped on the back whilst industry fat cats chow down on hookers and gak. Mimed performances and crocodile tears guaranteed.

22.00 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 9 22.30 ITV News 23.00 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 9 There’s an hour of this tripe?

23.30 24 Hour Quiz 00.00 FILM: Brave New World Atrocious adaptation of the Aldous Huxley’s dystopian nightmare. Leonard Nimoy hams it up. ** 01.35 Today with Des and Mel 02.25 World Sport 02.50 Football League Extra 03.30 Cybernet 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

One Night Stands five 11.55pm

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 07.10 Planed Plant Bach: Rala Rwdins 07.30 Planed Plant Bach: Bryn Seren 07.45 Planed Plant Bach: Plismon Puw 08.00 Planed Plant: FTPD 08.30 Planed Plant: Y Consuriwr 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Bewitched 09.55 FILM: The Third Man CLASSIC ***** 11.45 Supporting Acts 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Hanesion Hyll 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Darn o Dir 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Byd ar Bedwar 21.00 Adar Drycin 21.30 Grand Designs 22.30 Amdani Essentially Rugby Players’ Wives - but Welsh, and shite.

23.25 Alex Best: My Life with George I’ll be surprised if we learn much more that we did in the jungle. Apart from that Best is even more of a tragic waste of talent that we possibly thought. That’s George - Alex was talentless to begin with.

00.25 NYPD Blue 01.20 FILM: Breaking the Waves Directed by Lars von Trier. Excellent drama with Emily Watson. Appropriately timed screening to co-incide with von Treir’s new opus Dogville. Surely this is the perfect programme to use one of the foul Popbitch jokes about cocklepickers about? Hmm, maybe not. I don’t want to be attacked by a group of strange blokes in wellies brandishing nets. ****

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: The Corpse Who Had a Familiar Face *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Tanya tells Sean that she might have caught rubella from Charlie. Hopefully due to that terrible “factual” drama with Juliet Stevenson on MMR serves the muppet right.

Lewis and Lucy take cocaine. Presumably they’re off to the Brits too.

19.00 five news 19.30 Strangest Ever 20.00 Back to Reality 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.55 Back to Reality Will it live up to the “high” standards set by I’m A Celebrity? Who knows - all I know is that tub of lard Rik Waller will probably have eaten the rest of the house by now - or had beach ball sex with Jade. *shudders* 23.55 One Night Stands Don’t do ‘em kids - they’re a big bag of hassle and STDs - just ask Dean Gaffney.

01.00 La Femme Nikita 01.45 Sunshine Tour Golf 02.35 NCAA College Basketball 04.35 Argentinian Football

COMEDY CLUB With Alun Cochrane 8pm £3.50 Wine £6 Bottle

THE TAF Tropical Tuesday: Cocktails £2.50, Shooters £1

GAMES ROOM 19.00 The 7 O'Clock News 19.15 3 Non-Blondes 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's Johnny Vaughan takes a funny and thought-provoking look at the day featuring comedy, topical items and guests. That’s one way of looking at it - the other that it’s huge pile of tripe soley produced to get Vaughan out of his contract with BBC3.

20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 21.30 Catterick Brothers Chris and Carl, re-united after 15 years, are searching for Carl's estranged son Paul. Lots of cameos and funny people, but could go either way in my book.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Sort-It-Out Man The exploits of a hero determined to rid the planet of apathy and solve people's problems, large or small. Sounds awful.

23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.00 Three's a Crowd 01.30 Little Angels 02.00 Fantasy

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 The Brits 2004 - The Launch Party 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 The Brit Awards 2004: The Stars Arrive ITV2 milking it again?

20.00 Holiday Airport 21.00 Director's Commentary 21.30 Director's Commentary 22.00 The Brit Awards 2004: Party On! Lets hope the charlie mountain in the centre of the venue hasn’t run down yet and Victoria Beckham hasn’t attempeted to sing yet.

22.30 Duran Duran - Live at Wembley Calm yourselves ladies please, there’s plenty to go round.

23.30 Footballers' Wives 01.00 Club Reps Uncut 02.00 Jerry Springer 02.45 Late Show with David Letterman 03.35 Teleshopping 04.35 ITV Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Yu-GiOh! 08.00 Best of Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 11.00 Malcolm in the Middle 11.30 Futurama 12.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.00 The Russell Grant Show 14.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 15.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 17.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons “And this one is called the paddling of the swollen ass with paddles.”

19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Angel 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.00 Porno Valley Series about the work of pornography production company Vivid Entertainment creators of Where The Boys Aren’t and other adult classics. 23.30 Scrubs 00.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 02.40 Protect and Serve 03.30 Dharma and Greg

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me More Russian roulette hi-jinks.

19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 A Wife for William 22.00 Smack the Pony 22.30 Peep Show Mark finds the ideal venue for a first date with Sophie - a funeral. Classic.

23.05 Shameless Frank carries out the ultimate scam, faking his own death with the help of Norma - but doesn't realise till it's too late that Norma has stitched him up. This series gets better and better - though the sight of Frank shagging his son’s girlfriend last week has given me nightmares all week.

00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Distraction 01.10 Celebrity Five Go Dating 01.40 A Wife for William 02.05 Smack the Pony 02.35 Peep Show 03.00 Maybe It's Me 03.30 Distraction

As S4C except: 06.10 The Hoobs It's Iver's turn to make a cake, but what sort of cake would a Hoob like best? Hash cake of course. 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 The Bernie Mac Show 09.55 Judging Amy 10.50 ER 11.45 Icons 12.30 This Time Next Year 12.35 Cheers 13.05 FILM: Raising the Wind Six tins of beans should do it. ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Ideasfactory: The Real - Me and My Machine 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Faking It: Rock Chick Ungrateful bitch wouldn’t drink with Karen O - burn the heathen! 22.00 Shameless 23.05 The Comedy Lab 00.10 Testosterone 01.10 Monkey 01.55 Star Trek: Enterprise 02.40 Andromeda 03.25 Stargate SG-1 04.10 Stargate SG-1 04.55 Private Lives of the Pharaohs 05.50 The Zack Files

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.20 Spook Squad 16.45 The Cramp Twins 17.00 Grange Hill 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Susan realises Karl is an alcoholic. Huzzah!

It’s taken her fucking long enough. Perhaps she may notice his interest in Izzy in a few years.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Sharon faces up to her feelings about Dennis. Can we finally state for once and for all that they aren’t related and the East End hasn’t suddenly relocated to the Deep South. Expect them to have kids with webbed toes though.

20.00 Holby City 21.00 Sea of Souls Is this doing anything The X Files didn’t do years ago and much better? If only they’d have hired David “Red Shoe Diaries” Duchovny I may have watched this...

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Wales in our Time 22.40 Week In, Week Out 23.10 Doctors and Nurses 23.40 Revolver 00.10 Film 2004 00.40 The Leaving of Liverpool 02.40 Sign Zone

Paris Brothel BBC2 11.20pm

Wednesday

Today in your Union

Page 34

February 16-22 2004

wetmelettuce@piss.com

9th ANNUAL VARSITY CHALLENGE UW SWANSEA v CARDIFF UNI Brewery Field, Bridgend, Gates open 5.30pm, Kick off 7.00pm Tickets £5 from AU Office

RUBBER DUCK Solus 10pm – 2am £3 Castle and Java £1.30, Screamers £1.00, Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, WKD Vodka £1.00

Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Footballers’ Wives ITV1 9.30pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 The Wild Thornberrys 16.35 Powers I can lay a mousetrap with my growler.

17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Karl admits the extent of his alcoholism. For the last time, Karl is not an alcoholic! I imbibe more alcohol just in the lotion for my mimsy than he drinks.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 The Perfect Holiday A couple from Farnborough head off on an exotic trip to Bangkok and Phuket.

Hehe!

19.30 Combat Pilot 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 The Food Police: Takeaways 20.30 Animal Camera: Operation Jungle Two men go searching in my bush... hopefully one looks like Alan Rickman...

21.00 Family Business 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Wales in our Time with John Humphrys: Oh What a Beautiful Morning 23.15 Taking Care: Living the Legacy 23.55 Match of the Day: Portugal v England 00.55 FILM: Bad Man's River ** 02.55 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 03.40 Trading Up

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 3 Non-Blondes 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 FILM: The Jackal “Bruce Willis as a not-English bloke who uses his leg as a rifle.” Or something. I lost interest somewhere along the way. It doesn’t involve sex, so I don’t think I’ll bother. Not that I have BBC3. *** 23.00 Catterick Brothers Chris and Carl, re-united after 15 years, are searching for Carl's estranged son Paul. If only I had BBC3, then I could be creaming myself to Vic’s Northern tones.

23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Sex, Warts and All Down Under is fine, thank you very much. Well, I’ve stopped leaking green pus anyway.

01.00 Three's a Crowd 01.25 Little Angels 01.55 The Third Degree 02.55 Live at Johnny's 03.25 Liquid News

Three’s A Crowd BBC3 7.30pm

Rownd A Rownd S4C 6.30pm

Food Police BBC1 8pm

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.30 Xchange 08.00 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 09.00 Ocean Star: The Quest 09.25 Looney Tunes 09.35 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 10.00 CBeebies: Tweenies 10.20 Boo! 10.40 Balamory 11.00 FILM: The Land before Time IV: Journey through the Mists ** 12.10 Asterix and Cleopatra 13.20 Trade Secrets 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: The Last Voyage *** 15.30 Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting I wasn’t paid when I went to Faliraki...

And if I had been I certainly wouldn’t have been a bargain...

16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 19.05 Phill Jupitus's TOTP 2 19.30 Match of the Day Wales Live: Wales v Scotland Kick off at 7.45.

22.00 National Trust: The House, Chapter 2 Forgive me, but houses don’t have chapters do they? I thought that was just erotic fiction. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Spending the Kids' Inheritance A look at how today's generation of active pensioners are enjoying a spending spree on with money traditionally left as inheritance for their children. The old bastards.

23.50 FILM: Duel A film about me and Alan Rickman fighting over what’s going in my chaff next. **** 01.20 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Revisewise Challenge at School: Science

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.55 ITV News Headlines; Local News and Weather 11.00 OK!TV 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Rosie and Jim 15.30 Angelina Ballerina 15.45 Sonic X 16.10 Brilliant Creatures 16.30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 17.00 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Things hot up at the wedding as the groom uses chilli love dust on the blushing bride’s hairy axe-wound.

Zoe and Scott are forced to pay the price for Zak's handiwork. God, he must have given one hell of a handjob.

19.30 Coronation Street A fearful Roy and Hayley vow to fight for Patience. Viagra does take a while to work, you know.

20.00 The Bill 21.30 Footballers' Wives Amber and Conrad find themselves at the mercy of a Triad gang. That’ll be that super-scary bloke who was hiding in the bushes last week then. Tanya discovers Frank is broke, and soon sets her sights on Conrad. Let’s just hope that evil Amber doesn’t try a threesome again. That would be too easy. How about she breaks in whilst they’re ragging and assaults Tanya with jelly...

22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week Special 00.00 Hardware 00.05 24 Hour Quiz 00.55 CD:UK Hotshots 01.20 Police in Action 4 02.00 Trisha 02.55 ITV at the Festivals 2002

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 07.10 Planed Plant Bach: Sgerbyde 07.20 Planed Plant Bach: Barrug 07.40 Planed Plant Bach: Mistar Morgan 08.00 Planed Plant: FTPD 08.30 Planed Plant: Mali O 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Bewitched 09.55 FILM: The Scarlet Pimpernel *** 11.35 Grudge Match 11.45 Grudge Match 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 12.40 Sgerbyde 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Barrug 13.15 A Place in France: An Indian Summer 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Nic a Peri 16.15 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Justin's new home tutor is a bit of a babe. Ooh, yes, I know what he means. My tutor came in the other day with his flies undone and I’ve never seen a cock like it. It was like a prune.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Y Clwb Pel-Droed Rhyngwladol: Cymru v Yr Alban 21.45 Pobol y Cwm It is a big day for Jason and Sara as they finally decide to take the big step of making their own porn video. (They were going to try and sell it on, but realised too late that there isn’t a big market for frog-fisting or underwear made from nettles.)

22.30 ER 23.30 Frasier 00.00 FILM: Never Talk to Strangers even though it might mean a shag. *** 01.35 FILM: Possessed ** 03.20 Andromeda

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Amy & Isabelle ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Flynn and Sally find Kit in serious trouble by the beach, with his head stuck up an ostrich’s arse. Irene finally makes up her mind about Paris, and decides that her video shouldn’t affect the sweet girl she is in reality. Alf gets himself into hot water with Maureen, but despite the seductive bathroom setting, bicker over who should go the tap end, and thus Alf doesn’t end up slipping her a length after all.

18.30 Family Affairs Myra is stunned when Ashley reveals a secret. But then I think that the lipstick on his cock should have been quite a bad sign to begin with...

19.00 five news 19.30 Strangest Ever 20.00 Back to Reality 21.00 Britain's Worst Performer 22.00 Bad Boys of Comedy: Jim Davidson Is it just coincidence that this follows the previous programme? 23.00 Back to Reality 00.05 Real Sex 00.55 NHL Ice Hockey

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 20.00 Coronation Street Special - When Karen Met Steve 21.00 Women Who Kill: Fatal Attraction 22.00 Coronation Street Steve faces the prospect of losing the woman of his dreams, and is elated: “I can shag around again!” Ken, Deirdre and Liz are at loggerheads over Tracy.

Blimey, she’s popular! Learnt it from me, you know...

22.30 Coronation Street Special - When Karen Met Steve 23.30 A Filmmaker's Journey: Making The Return of the King 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.45 Late Show with David Letterman 01.35 The John Walsh Show 02.20 Teleshopping 03.20 ITV Nightscreen 04.00 Trisha 05.10 David Letterman

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Yu-GiOh! 08.00 Best of Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 Malcolm in the Middle 11.30 Futurama 12.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.00 The Russell Grant Show 14.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 15.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Fear Factor In a special edition with a million-dollar prize, they bob for pig parts in an ostrich egg. Let’s hope they’ve left the cock whole to at least give the contestants a useful memento.

22.00 FILM: Bulletproof *** 23.35 Britain's Hardest 00.35 Star Trek: Voyager 01.35 Star Trek: Voyager 02.25 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 03.15 Protect and Serve 04.05 Dharma and Greg 04.30 Dharma and Greg 04.55 Cribs 05.10 Guilty!

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Faking It 31-year-old bachelor and management consultant Rob Archer has four weeks to become an expert dog trainer, despite never having owned a dog and the fact that his partner for the challenge is a mongrel rescued from the streets who has never been trained. Er, well surely the dog will be faking it, and not Rob? I can’t believe I actually wrote that.

22.35 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Something long-dead has been reborn on B Wing, which means trouble for Dr Rick Dagless.

23.05 Teachers 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Trigger Happy USA 01.05 Celebrity Five Go Dating 01.35 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 02.05 Faking It 03.00 Maybe It's Me

As S4C, except: 06.10 The Hoobs Hoobojizz is hoobalicious! But it's not quite the same if it's frozen solid. Will the Hoobs ever be able to drink their hoobojizz? 06.35 The Hoobs A soggy hoobypuff is no good at all! So how can Tula keep her hoobypuffs fresh?

What the fuck is going on? A titwank looks likely. 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 The Bernie Mac Show 09.55 Judging Amy 10.50 ER 11.45 Icons: Elizabeth Taylor 12.30 Grudge Match 12.40 This Time Next Year 12.45 Cheers 13.10 FILM: The Law and Jake Wade *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Ideasfactory: The Real - Three Minute Meltdown 20.00 Relocation, Relocation 21.00 Grand Designs 22.00 ER 23.05 Frasier 23.30 Sex and the City 00.10 4 Music: NME Music Awards 2004 01.15 4 Music: Rather Good Videos

Thursday

February 16-22 2004

Page 35

flappyflappy@manky.com

Before Women Had Wings BBC2 12.10pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 Grange Hill Will Togger tell Andy the truth about Emma before someone else does? I’m so glad that despite the days of Gonch and Zammo being a merest glint of a memory to viewers, the makers of Grange Hill still can’t hold back from their hilarious nicknames that nobody in real life ever has.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today.

19.00 Didn't They Do Well! My personal favourite TV programme at present.

Shame I don’t get to watch it, but you can do.

Get in there before old Bruce snuffs it and/or presents Come Dancing.

19.30 EastEnders 20.00 DIY SOS 20.30 Spy TV 21.00 Taking Care: No Place Like Home 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time 23.35 This Week 00.25 FILM: Boys on the Side *** 02.15 Sign Zone: Animal Camera 02.45 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 03.15 Sign Zone: Watchdog 03.45 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.30 Xchange 08.00 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBBC: Blue Peter 09.00 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 09.25 Looney Tunes 09.35 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 10.00 CBeebies: Tweenies 10.20 Ethelbert the Tiger 10.40 Balamory 11.00 Asterix the Gaul 12.05 What a Carry On! 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Trade Secrets 13.10 FILM: Tiger Bay *** 15.00 The Life Laundry 15.30 Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel 18.45 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 19.05 Phill Jupitus's TOTP 2 Humourless twat with great taste in music.

Exhibit A: The Smiths.

Exhibit B: Outkast.

19.30 Fishlock's Sea 20.00 Mastermind Celebrity Special With the incredibly thick David Blunkett.

A wasted opportunity to pretend the Mastermind chair was a psychiatrist’s chair and expose his insanity, if ever there was one.

20.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes 21.00 Dunkirk 22.00 Have I Got Old News for You 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Dating the Asian Way “It was marriage at first sight.”

Joke!

00.20 FILM: Before Women Had Wings The sanitary towel story. *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize Revision

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.55 ITV News Headlines; Local News and Weather 11.00 OK!TV 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.25 Rosie and Jim 15.35 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 16.00 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 16.30 Eliminator 17.00 24 Hour Quiz With Barry from EastEnders. He died for all our sins and has returned to save mankind, with this. “It’s like a cross between Big Brother and a quiz” says Andy. Where Jesus went wrong...

18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Rock Solid: A Very Different Strike 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Wire in the Blood II I think but I’m not totally sure, I saw the first of these, and despite the wank title and the Robson Green connection, it was actually pretty good, in a police drama-sans-violence way.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Brits Backstage Celebrity X has to have silk scarves in her dressing room.

Celebrity Y has herpes and needs a good scrape before performing. Celebrity Z won’t perform his duet without a quart of valium. The usual.

23.30 24 Hour Quiz 00.30 Grounded for Life 00.55 The District 01.40 1985 Forever What happened in 1985? Ultravox? New Wave?

Jingly-Jangly Smiths, the dawn of the dead? The Cure? Great!

02.35 Cybernet 03.00 Today with Des and Mel 03.50 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 07.10 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 07.25 Planed Plant Bach: Mot a Tom 07.40 Planed Plant Bach: Stori'r Anifeiliaid 07.45 Planed Plant Bach: Dic a Dei a Delyth 08.00 Planed Plant: FTPD 08.30 Planed Plant: Dennis a Dannedd 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Bewitched 09.55 FILM: Pork Chop Hill *** 11.40 Grudge Match 11.50 Grudge Match 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mot a Tom 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 16.25 Planed Plant: Crafwr 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy With Britney Spears, whose new single Toxic is immense. And I never thought I’d say THAT. 18.00 18.00 The Salon 18.30 18.30 Xtra 19.00 19.00 Wedi 7 News 19.30 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 20.25 Darn o Dir 21.00 iDOT 22.00 Fallen Angel: the Real Charlotte Church Interesting title. It’s good to see even the Welsh can’t be bothered with her anymore.

23.00 Shameless 00.00 Six Feet Under 01.00 Monkey 01.50 NME Music Awards 2004 We don’t know who’s been nominated here, but we presume The Strokes for every category and probably a specially created category to honour Jet because nobody REALLY likes them, do they? Do they? Shitrag.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Panic in the Skies ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Great Artists 2 20.00 Back to Reality The Superstars of reality TV continue in their quest to be all Mr or Mrs tTrite.

We’re not sure how voting for this goes, but don’t vote for Rik Waller.

That guy is seriously up his own ass. Although if they feed him enough in the house, that handy criticism could become a literal reality.

21.00 FILM: Deep Blue Sea *** Awesome shark scenes.

23.00 Back to Reality 00.05 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 00.45 Dutch Football: PSV Eindhoven v FC Twente 02.20 Argentinian Football 03.55 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.45 Microsoft Challenge Adventure Racing 05.35 European Drag Racing Championships: Germany. Book recommendation: Miss Wyoming by Douglas Coupland. Film soundtrack recommendation: Pieces Of April.

CD recommendation: Panda Park by the 90 Day Men. Place recommendation: Rumney.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 3 Non-Blondes 19.30 Three's a Crowd Only if the third person’s Rik Waller.

20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 The Magic Number 21.30 The Magic Number 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps A “special” edition of the show which takes the form of a musical. Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Once More With Feeling this undoubtedly, is not.

Totally unwatchable talent-void fuck-ends prancing about an rhyming “fags” with “shags”.

Weirdly, both Will Mellor and Natalie Casey have had top 10 hits. God help us.

23.00 15 Storeys High 23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.00 Three's a Crowd 01.30 Little Angels 02.00 The Magic Number 02.30 The Magic Number 03.00 Live at Johnny's 03.30 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 20.00 The Brit Awards 2004: The Stars Arrive That would be the ones that didn’t turn the whole thing down because they were offering peanuts.

21.00 The Brit Awards 2004 Don’t care who wins at all, in any category. Although I do love Busted, and the way Charlie always name-drops “cool” bands in interviews. In one interview with Jo Whiley last week, he mentioned Death Cab For Cutie, My Morning Jacket and the FIRST Lostprophets album.

100% of his fans: “Bleurrgh??”

23.00 The Brit Awards 2004: Party On! 23.30 Footballers' Wives 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.15 Late Show with David Letterman 02.05 IRB Rugby World Sevens 02.35 Teleshopping 03.35 ITV Nightscreen

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Yu-GiOh! 08.00 Best of Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 11.00 Malcolm in the Middle 11.30 Futurama 12.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.00 The Russell Grant Show 14.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 15.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons The one where Homer refers to Bob Dole as “Mumbly Joe” and I can’t remember the rest.

20.00 Jake 2.0 21.00 24 22.00 Cold Case 23.00 The Handler 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 02.40 Protect and Serve 03.30 Dharma and Greg 03.55 Dharma and Greg 04.20 Hot Love Just add itching powder.

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If This week Asif from EastEnders goes shopping, buys a nice new rucksack, and some new shoelaces, and then has some ale in a nice local pub.

18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends On St Valentine's Day Get shot of them, is my personal advice.

Actually, fuck the whole damn day. As for continuing to go on about it nearly a week afterwards...

21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 A Wife for William 23.00 Trigger Happy USA 23.30 Friends 00.00 Hollyoaks 00.30 Distraction 01.00 Infamous Fives With with John Wayne Gacey (in clown get-up), Pol Pot, King Herod, Stalin and Brian Dowling.

01.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating 02.00 A Wife for William 02.25 Trigger Happy USA 02.50 Maybe It's Me 03.10 Distraction

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 The Bernie Mac 09.55 Judging Amy 10.50 ER A patient leaves a bag of sex toys in the ER, leading to some inappropriate behaviour among the staff. If only this happened in our office.

“That’s a fucking good episode,” bawls Andy. 11.45 Icons: Jane Russell 12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: A Challenge for Robin Hood ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks Darlene tries to rope Ali into causing trouble in the village. Fnarr-ish. 19.00 Channel 4 News. 19.55 Ideasfactory: The Real - Chicken or Egg? 20.00 A Place in the Sun 20.30 A Place in France: An Indian Summer 21.00 Fallen Angel: The Real Charlotte Church 22.00 Father Ted 22.30 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 23.05 Six Feet Under 00.10 NYPD Blue 01.05 Skiing on 4: Nordics 02.55 KOTV 03.20 Inside the Mind of Frank Bruno

Grange Hill BBC1 5.00pm

Eliminator ITV1 4.30pm

THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50

SOME OF THE GREAT VALUE DEALS FROM YOUR SHOP ON THE FIRST FLOOR OF THE STUDENTS’ UNION Fanta 500ml bottles 2 for 99p, Snack a Jacks 2 for 55p and Dime and Toblerone bars 2 for 49p.

See instore for other great offers.

The union shop is open from 8.30am7.00pm Mon-Fri, and 12.00-4.00 pm Saturday.

Deals a run till February 20

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

FILM: Tiger Bay BBC2 1.10pm

Friday

Today in your Union

Page 36

February 16-22 2004

bananarind@tristan’shair.com

LASHTASTIC

With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50 Plus, win your own pre-lash house party courtesy of the Students’ Union. Prize includes three crates of beer, lager or alcopops, sparkling wine, party food, balloons, music, six tickets to Lashtastic and much more!

LOSTPROPHETS GREAT HALL £12.50 adv. 7pm Lostprophets were formed in late '97 by a collective of friends sick of not hearing what they wanted in the modern alternative music scene.

Some were permanent members; some played whenever they felt like it, all were from varied musical backgrounds. The band has played countless sell-out shows around the UK including Kerrang sponsored nights. Their recent explosion has culminated with their recent top 10 single ‘Last Train Home’

THE TAF

Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1

Mad About Alice BBC1 8.30pm

Behind A Mask BBC2 2.30am

Film: Blue Streak five 9pm

Sex In The City S4C 10pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 ChuckleVision 16.15 Intergalactic Kitchen 16.40 What's New Scooby-Doo? 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Stuart finds out more about Jamie's past.

Yes our Music Editor guests down under - what’s the bet he’s after a bit of Nina - he was given a calendar of her today...

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders Vicki seems out of control. As it turns out she’s got her love eggs stuck on turbo again.

20.30 Mad about Alice Still appalling.

21.00 24 Carrott Gold 21.30 They Think It's All Over 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Just Up Your Street 23.10 Jim Davidson's Commercial Breakdown I’d rather see him break down in public, covering himself in jam.

23.40 Jordan: You Don't Even Know Me Documentary following Jordan as she tries to break into the music. As in the band? Bad grammar strikes our listings...

00.40 Body Hits 01.15 FILM: The Killers **** 02.45 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.30 Xchange 08.00 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 09.00 The Basil Brush Show 09.25 Looney Tunes 09.35 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 10.00 CBeebies: Tweenies 10.20 Rubbadubbers 10.40 Balamory 11.00 What a Carry On! 11.25 Wildlife on Two 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 FILM: She ** 14.45 Rugby Special 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.25 Phill Jupitus's TOTP 2 Music from the Specials, the Style Council, Jay-Z, Manic Street Preachers, the Undertones and the Goodies. I’m hoping for Ghost Town...

18.45 Scrum V Live: Leinster v Celtic Warriors 21.30 Dunkirk Worthy and quite probably harrowing docudrama about the evacuation. Light entertainment for a Friday isn’t it...

22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Malai Presents Some kind of stand-up programme.

00.05 The X Files 00.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 01.30 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: The Sonnet 02.30 Behind a Mask The Kendo Nagasaki story.

03.20 Ever Wondered? 03.30 A Tale of Two Capitals - Paris and Rome 04.20 Ever Wondered?

04.30 France in the Viewfinder 05.00 Moral Panics - The Agony and the Ecstasy 05.30 Sounds of Paradise

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.55 ITV News Headlines; Local News and Weather 11.00 OK!TV 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.25 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 As Told by Ginger 16.30 Teen Angel 17.00 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Learner Drivers 21.00 The Last Detective It's Easter, but it's no holiday as several bodies are unearthed and an escaped prisoner is on the loose. What’s the bet it isn’t him, but rather some old biddy that’s gone postal.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 23.30 24 Hour Quiz 00.35 The Brit Awards 2004 02.30 Entertainment Now! 02.55 CD:UK Hotshots 03.25 Today with Des and Mel 04.15 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.40 World Sport 05.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Fighting scenes earlier than usual this week as Riath attacks Tristan with a banana skin, leaving sticky white residue all over his face and hair. Of course by this point Alex is in spasms of ecstasy and has to be carried off for a cold shower. It’s nice to see the two back on form after several quiet weeks of cosy banter.

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 07.10 Planed Plant Bach: Mamemo 07.15 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 07.40 Planed Plant Bach: Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 07.45 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 08.00 Planed Plant Bach: FTPD 08.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ty Gwenno 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Bewitched 09.55 FILM: Follow a Star ** 11.40 Supporting Acts 11.50 Going Home 11.55 Going Home 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Mamemo 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy With Ben Affleck. What’s the betting Judy makes a pass at the foreheaded one? I bet she’s got a bigger ass than J-Lo. 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Taith Iolo a Pws i St Kilda 21.15 FILM: Brawd a Chwaer Welsh film starring Rhian Morgan.

21.30 Friends 22.00 Sex and the City Samantha considers a drastic hairstyle after her chemotherapy.

Yes ladies, the mullet is back in style.

22.40 NY Graham Norton 23.45 Banzai 00.10 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 00.40 The Comedy Lab 01.10 South Park 01.35 King of the Hill 02.00 Futurama 02.25 Skiing on 4: Nordics

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: A Match Made in Heaven ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Strangest Ever Including drag queen racing from America. FINALLY! Someone has capitalised on my jokes for the drag racing listings...

20.00 Back to Reality 21.00 FILM: Blue Streak Abject shite on celluloid. Martin Lawrence should be banned from acting. * 23.00 Back to Reality 00.05 The Shield 00.55 FILM: Ivory Tower A paean of love for an ivory trader’s wife for her specially made vibrator. ** 02.45 John Carpenter 03.45 Short Story Cinema 04.05 Short Story Cinema 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters Some joy from Popbitch now: Jordan and Peter Andre were in the jungle doing some naughty touching.

Jordan suddenly sat up as she heard a noise and said to Peter, "Is that Johnny Rotten"?

"I hope not" said Peter. "It's my last one."

Yowsa! Yowsa! Yowsa!

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 3 Non-Blondes 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Sex and Lies Size doesn’t matter. You’re my first. It’s the best I’ve ever had. Don’t worry it’s happened before. It’s meant to look like that. It’s supposed to go in there. It only hurts the first time.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Bachelor 23.25 Little Britain 23.55 Live at Johnny's 00.25 Sort-It-Out Man As opposed to Chris Morris’ “Fix It Girl”, the six year old girl who goes round clearing up after crimes. “Chopped up man...”

00.55 Three's a Crowd Tell that to John Leslie. 01.25 Liquid Assets 02.20 Live at Johnny's 02.50 Tower Block Dreams Remarkably I’ve only got this tiny amount of space to fill with gibberish before I can run away to order the pizza. Lots of Valentine’s love to the gorgeous Amy Butterworth, my wonderful girlfriend.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 Judge Judy 17.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 17.45 Westlife... In the Studio This’ll be a laugh a minute.

Watch as the backing singers and computers do it all for them whilst Ronan rubs his hands in glee and counts his money.

18.00 24 Hour Quiz 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 American Idol 3 21.20 American Idol 3 21.45 It's Good to Be... Oprah 22.10 Planet's Funniest Animals 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Club Reps Uncut 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.45 Late Show with David Letterman 01.35 The John Walsh Show 02.25 Teleshopping 03.25 ITV Nightscreen 04.00 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Looney Tunes Back in Action 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Best of Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Battlestar Galactica: The Lowdown 11.00 Malcolm in the Middle 11.30 Futurama 12.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.00 The Russell Grant Show 14.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 15.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 17.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Max Magic 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons “Indeed this is a strange and disturbing universe.” “GO CRAZY? DON’T MIND IF I DOOOO!” Classic.

21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 FILM: Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls Officially full of bat guano. *** 22.50 When Animals Invade Your Home 23.50 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 02.40 Protect and Serve 03.30 JAG 04.20 The X Files 05.10 Guilty!

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Return to Jamie's Kitchen 22.00 Without a Trace The team search for a teen, missing after an encounter with a bully in a bad neighbourhood. He’ll have just gone bowling before taking some automatic weapons into school and blowing the wanker aways.

23.00 The Secret Life of Us 00.00 The Best of the Bronx Bunny Show 00.30 Oz 01.35 Hollyoaks 02.05 Without a Trace 02.50 The Secret Life of Us We’re all actually reverse vampires who spend each Thursday trying to take over the world rather than desperately trying to be funny in this little ink rag. I vant to suck your bluuud! etc., etc., ad nauseum.

As S4C except: 06.00 Angela Anaconda When the class decides that Angela has a secret boyfriend, she thinks that it would be a good idea to go along with them. At least that’ll hide the fact she’s a hairy dyke.

06.10 The Hoobs What kind of Peep exercises would suit a Hoob best? Peeping into the ladies changing rooms I guess.

06.35 The Hoobs How can Iver have seen a Tiddlypeep in two places at the same time?

DVDA? 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 The Bernie Mac Show 09.55 Judging Amy 10.50 ER 11.45 Icons 12.35 FILM: From Here to Eternity Snogging in the surf scenes. ***** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Road Trip 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Will and Grace 23.45 Banzai 00.10 South Park 00.40 The Grill 01.10 King of the Hill 01.35 Futurama 02.00 The Michael Essany Show

Saturday

February 16-25 2004

Page 37

bogsofpeat@mylife.co.uk

Film: If Looks Could Kill BBC1 12.25pm

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross 13.15 Bill Oddie's History Hunt 14.15 Big Screen Britain 14.30 Watching the Detectives: Cagney and Lacey 15.15 Watching the Detectives: Cagney and Lacey 16.00 Watching the Detectives: Monk 16.45 Watching the Detectives: The Rockford Files 17.35 What the Romans Did for Us 17.45 What the Papers Say 17.55 Porridge Overrated shit.

18.25 The Battle for Britain's Soul Craig David vs Lemar.

19.25 Ancestors: Billy and the Fighter Boys Wow, more toodle-pip-pip merry old England tosh!

20.15 Ray Mears's Extreme Survival: The Arctic Circle 21.15 Dunkirk And more! What is this, VE day?

22.15 Britain's Best Sitcom Johnny Vaughan presents 20 reasons why he believes Porridge is Britain's Best Sitcom. Yeah, because he’s been a banged-up crony himself, the heron-buggering slimy asshole.

23.15 Grass 23.45 Have I Got Old News for You With Ross Noble. Yay! 00.15 Ross Noble: Unrealtime And again yay! 01.15 Room 101 01.45 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Seeing through Maths I saw through maths a long time ago. Useless good-for-fuck-all phenomena. 02.30 Imagining the Pacific Isn’t that what therapists tell you to do to calm you down? “Hey, just imagine vast oceans, all pure and blue.”

The Grill E4 6pm

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 A Filmmaker's Journey: Making The Return of the King Ways to put me off watching a programme #6007: describing a largely tedious process like filmmaking, acting, painting, contracting an STD as “a journey” Bless Peter Jackson’s heart, he’s making every geeky dream come true, but it’s not a journey, for god’s sake. 13.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.05 ITV News; Weather 13.10 On the Ball 13.55 Holiday Airport Cyprus 14.55 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.05 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.20 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.35 New You've Been Framed!

18.25 Stars in Their Eyes 19.15 Love on a Saturday Night “Shite on a Saturday night” more like.

20.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.15 It'll Be Alright on the Night 16 22.15 ITV News 22.30 The Premiership Chelsea vs Arsenal. Two teams so monumentally cretinous it makes me feel affiliation towards Manchester United. Arsenal, the football equivalent of your friend who can’t accept losing or being “it”. Chelsea, the football equivalent of the rank rich kid at school who tried to buy your friendship with cakes in the canteen.

00.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.25 FILM: If Looks Could Kill... Then Pol Pot can eat my motherfucking dust.** 02.00 CD:UK 02.55 Dare to Believe 03.20 Mixmasters Fantastically dull dance music program with “visuals”.

Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire five 5.25pm

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 07.00 Skiing on 4: World Cup 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.50 Salvage Squad The careers of John Leslie, Les Dennis and Jennifer Lopez, who face a team of renovators who implant mechanical things into their bodies in order to return the celebrities to their former Blue Peter/Family Fortunes/The Wedding Planner fame. 10.50 Scrapheap Challenge: The Scrappy Races 11.50 Grudge Match 12.00 Smash Hits Chart 12.30 A Wife for William 13.00 Dirty Laundry 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Wincanton and Newcastle 15.50 Icons 16.05 FILM: Carry On Dick *** 17.40 FILM: Carry On Nurse *** Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.15 Adrenaline Extreme Noson Lawen 19.30 Y Palmant Aur 20.00 22.00 Angels in 21.00 America 01.10 FILM: Sex, Lies and Videotape **** 03.00 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup 04.45 KOTV Ah... as Andy puts on the weekly airing of Losing My Edge by the LCD Soundsystem, everything seems perfect in TV Desk world. Which is more than can be said for S4C - just look at the evidence. Bah. So I’ll just do my music listenings, if that’s OK? This week: 90 Day Men, Joy Division, Lambchop, Liars, Azure Ray, Van Halen, Magnetic Fields, Ballboy, Guided By Voices, Stars, the new Ash single, Electrelane, Death Cab For Cutie, Sage Francis and Brand New. And before you accuse me of being Charlie from Busted, I have nothing to gain whatsoever for doing this, so screw off.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake!

08.00 Zentrix 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare: Pilot of the Future 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 12.50 Robot Wars 13.55 Dawson's Creek 14.50 The Chart 15.20 Home and Away Omnibus 17.25 FILM: Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire ** Apparently completely awful film, according to my fellow hacks, but I like to think any film with a title like Mom’s Got A Date With A Vampire has got to have something going for it.

18.55 five news and sport 19.10 Charmed 20.00 Back to Reality 21.15 CSI: Miami The CSIs must race against time as the disappearance of a young tennis prodigy poses a question that can only be answered by a 12-foot endangered reptile. “What the fuck has any of this got to do with Crime Scene Investigation,” presumably.

22.10 Law and Order 23.10 Back to Reality 00.15 FILM: Hard Time: Premonition ** 01.45 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Mike Tyson's Greatest Hits Presumably the ones that took place in the ring, as opposed to his many extra-curricular beatings. 02.30 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Raymond Joval v Angel Hernandez 03.35 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kick Boxing 04.25 Cold War 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30

THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30

GAMES ROOM 19.00 3 Non-Blondes 19.15 Three's a Crowd 19.45 Three's a Crowd 20.15 Three's a Crowd 20.45 Three's a Crowd Yeah, good one. A programme called Three’s A Crowd and BBC3, the idiots they are, decide to show it four times, thus making it a crowd, and therefore too much.

21.15 FILM: The Jackal Just in case you happend to miss this crock of shit on Wednesday. *** 23.15 The Bachelor 00.15 Three's a Crowd 00.45 Three's a Crowd 01.15 Three's a Crowd 01.45 Three's a Crowd Although I suppose if they’re going to show it another four times, what does eight make? A mega-orgy? What? Surely there’s not enough scope in a love-triangle orientated dating show for six episodes in one day anyway?

And what exactly is a love-triangle orientated dating show anyway? 02.10 Parent Trap 03.05 The Bachelor 04.05 3 NonBlondes It’s a dank, dark day on cable television. All hold forth and scream silently as early morning creeps in. Aaargh!

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.15 Movies Now 12.25 Airline 12.55 Airline 13.25 Airline 13.55 Airline 14.25 Holiday Showdown 15.30 CD:UK 16.30 Rugby World Sevens 17.00 Quincy, ME 18.00 Quincy, ME 19.00 Westlife... In the Studio 19.15 Holiday Showdown 20.15 The Brit Awards 2004: The Stars Arrive 21.15 The Brit Awards 2004 23.15 The Brit Awards 2004: Party On! 23.45 Duran Duran - Live at Wembley One of the inferior bands of their era, let’s be honest, so why they can reform and everyone goes gaga over them is beyond me. I don’t recall his degree of hysteria when A-ha made their comeback a few years ago. I do like the song Ordinary World though, so they can play that and everybody will go home happy.

00.45 Club Reps Uncut 01.45 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

02.45 Teleshopping 03.45 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.05 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 Malcolm in the Middle 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 16.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 17.00 Jake 2.0 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons Bart discovers a comet and meets “Superfriends” who are all hilarious. This was back when the Simpsons was good, BBC2.

20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 24 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.00 Cold Case 00.00 Angel 00.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 02.40 Cops 03.05 Kirsty's Home Videos 03.30 Gamezville 04.20 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

14.00 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 14.20 Your Face or Mine? Mine.

14.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends 17.30 Your Face or Mine? Still mine.

18.00 The Grill 18.30 Union Jack “My dad is famous and therefore so should I be” more like. I think I like Jack the least of all the Osbournes, with his poxy record label and inability to look anything less that totally haggard. 19.00 G Girls 19.30 G Girls 20.00 A Wife for William God is Vernon Kay NEVER off the goddamn television?

20.30 Friends 21.00 Alex Best: My Life with George “Without” more like.

Maybe she should phone Susan Kennedy for alcoholic-cohabitation tip-sharing.

22.00 Sex and the City 22.45 Sex and the City 23.20 Sex and the City 00.00 Six Feet Under 01.05 NY Graham Norton 02.10 The Sopranos 03.10 Your Face or Mine?

A word about Nip/Tuck on Sky One. So, so many rumours about how good this is, so why don’t I believe any of them?

09.50 T4: Smash Hits Chart 10.20 T4: Friends 10.55 A Wife for William 11.25 T4: Friends 11.55 T4: Joe Millionaire UK 15.50 The Tower: The Lost Palace 16.55 FILM: Carry On up the Khyber **** 18.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather.

19.00 The Day the Earth Was Born 21.05 Regency House Party 22.05 FILM: Wings of the Dove **** 00.05 NY Graham Norton 01.00 4 Music: NME Music Awards 2004 With Franz Ferdinand (boo!), Scissor Sisters (undecided!) and The Libertines (boo!). 02.05 4 Music: Rather Good Videos With Obie Trice (undecided!), Joss Stone (boo!) and the Ordinary Boys (“extraordinarily shite” more like). 02.20 FILM: Gas, Food, Lodging Film about trailer-park life in America which sounds excellent. Unless it’s the one I saw once which ends up with a load of hicks running loose in the Jerry Springer studio. That was crap. **** 04.00 Norm 04.25 Jack and Jill 05.10 Countdown 05.55 Angela Anaconda

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Round the Twist 06.55 Evolution: The Animated Series 07.15 Tom and Jerry Kids 07.40 Arthur 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Six Nations Grandstand 13.05 Rugby Union 14.00 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: France v Italy 15.50 Football Update 16.00 Rugby Union 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.20 Six Nations Grandstand England vs Scotland.

19.20 Only Fools and Horses 19.50 The National Lottery Jet Set 20.25 Casualty 21.15 Jonathan Creek As someone who admits to quite liking these tweedle-dee yum-yum-what-ho überEnglish mystery dramas, I’m pleased this is back.

Although the main fault with JC is the boring willthey-won’t-they subplot, when all you want to watch is mad old men with guns disguised as axes.

22.15 BBC News; Weather 22.30 Parkinson 23.30 FILM: Copland “Notable for its star-laden cast, gritty photo-realistic style and unconventional use of Sylvester Stallone as an unattractive, morally apathetic protagonist” according to someone else’s opinion on this film. “Sylvester Stallone’s mum is a bum reader” is TV Holly’s ‘review’. I know who to trust. Now where’s my appointment book... **

Carry on Dick S4C 4.05pm

Sunday

Page 38

February 16-22 2004

funkytop-hat@TVJohn.com

THE TAF WHO WANTS TO BE A CLEVER DICK

Today in your Union

Quiz £3 per team (max 6) Up to £350 in drink vouchers to be won!

Sunday Sessions: Jugs of Carling, Worthy and Strongbow £6.00

Drunk And Celebrities Exposed Dangerous BBC1 9pm ITV2 10.30pm

Fred Dibnah

Bridezillas ITV1 1.45am

Demolition Man five 9pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 'Allo 'Allo! 13.25 Keeping Up Appearances 13.55 EastEnders 15.50 Fame Academy: Alex's Story 16.35 BBC News; Weather 17.00 Songs of Praise 17.35 Taking Care: Tracy Beaker's the Movie of Me 18.45 Antiques Roadshow 19.30 Ground Force Revisited 20.00 Down to Earth Steve 21.00 Benson continues to stir up feelings in Frankie to the point where she has to make the biggest decision of her life. Should she knob the old codger and be done with it or not?

21.00 Policing Christmas: A Drunk and Dangerous Special Anyone else see the one about Cardiff?

Sensationalist scenes as I’ve never seen town that violent in the four years I’ve been here. Methinks the rozzers might have been over-reacting. Then again Riath knows about them first hand - he’s been held overnight for pissing on a police van, arrested for indecent exposure and generally annoys the police by knocking on their front door and running away.

22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Tackling Tomorrow's Tearaways 23.10 On Show 23.40 FILM: Body of Evidence Further proof that Madonna has the acting ability of a retarded ox. Avoid like the proverbial plague-bearing editor. ** 01.20 Sign Zone: The Life of Mammals

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 06.55 Taz-Mania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 FightBox 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Bible Mysteries 13.30 Six Nations Grandstand 13.35 Sport Plus 14.10 Marion Jones: The Big Interview 14.30 Rugby Union 15.00 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: Ireland v Wales 17.10 Scrum V 17.50 A Wild Winter's Day 18.20 Natural World: Five Big Cats and a Camera More animal porn on the BBC. 19.10 Message in a Bottle The story of two companies, Mecca Cola and Qibla Cola, who are trying to capitalise on a growing movement in the Muslim world to boycott US products by taking on Coca Cola in Muslim countries.

Stick it to the man my Arab brethren.

20.00 SAS Desert: Are You Tough Enough?

21.00 A Killer's Homecoming: This World 21.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 22.00 Dunkirk: The Soldiers' Story 23.00 FILM: Blast from the Past It’s got Brendan Fraser and Alicia Silverstone in it - how good do you expect it to be?*** 00.45 Rugby Special 01.30 Never Mind the Buzzcocks Increasingly less about the quiz and more about Mark Lamarr’s anger at everyone.

02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Travel and Tourism: The Complete Guide 03.00 Safety and Leadership 04.00 Customer Care and Business

06.00 GMTV 09.25 The Premiership 10.30 The Story Keepers 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Coast to Coast 12.30 Soccer Sunday 13.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.00 FILM: The Living Daylights Great Bond film with a cracking theme tune. The car chase is inspired. **** 16.25 It Shouldn't Happen to a Wildlife Presenter 17.30 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.45 Grass Roots 18.15 How to Holiday 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Chas proves handy with her fists after Louise puts her nose where it doesn't belong.

To be honest I’m not surprised, a chuff is a sacred thing.

19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat The police have to intervene in a neighbourly dispute over a dead cow. The lengths some people will go to to get their rocks off. It’s disgusting...

21.00 A Touch of Frost Pole dancers, false passports and murder. A traditional Friday night for our editorial team.

23.00 ITV News 23.05 The South Bank Show With the troll-faced Jamie Cullum.

00.10 Faith and Music 00.50 Lads Army 01.45 Bridezillas with Janine Butcher, Liza Minelli and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

02.15 Today with Des and Mel 03.05 The Entertainers 03.30 Cybernet 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 07.00 ICC Cricket World 07.30 Football: South American Championship: Santos v Guarani 08.00 Skiing on 4: World Cup 09.00 The Simple Life 09.30 The Grill 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Joe Millionaire 13.45 Star Trek: Enterprise 14.30 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Iwerddon v Cymru 17.00 Xtra 17.30 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.00 Y Sioe Gelf 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cefn Gwlad 21.00 21.00 Amdani 21.55 Newyddion 22.10 Regency House Party A beauty from the West Indies arrives, while the men try boxing. What’s the betting it’ll be naked as they day they were born in front of a roaring fire. A truly touching sight I’ll tell you.

23.10 Bug Attack Insect expert Phil de Vries embarks on a mission to find the deadliest, most destructive and most disgusting insects on the planet. On his travels he gets stung by a scorpion, bitten by soldier ants, drained by a giant Amazonian leech and attacked by Japanese hornets. The stupid bugger.

00.10 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 01.15 FILM: To Live and Die in LA Well the only knowledge anyone has about this is to do with a bloody Tupac song so I’ll stick with the description of a gritty drama directed by William “Your Mother Sucks Cocks In Hell” Freidkin. *** 03.15 FILM: From Here to Eternity ***** As the lilting sounds of Four Tet waft over the office a strange calm descends. Be afraid.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 The Jesus Effect: Christianity's Cultural Impact 07.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 The Ice Cream Machine 11.15 Aliens among Us 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Revelations 12.35 five news update 12.40 The Chart 13.10 Robot Wars 14.15 FILM: The Kid from Texas ** 15.45 The Legend of Pastor Bill 16.50 FILM: Columbo: Fade in to Murder *** 18.15 five news and sport 18.25 FILM: Police Academy 6: City Under Siege “It’s a comedy film in which some police officers get up to some pranks.” TV John gives us the best of his wisdom. * 20.00 Back to Reality 21.00 FILM: Demolition Man “The first 15 I ever saw” TV John thereby giving you another excellent reason to watch five this evening. Actually this is pretty good for the general brainless action picture type thing. *** 23.15 Back to Reality 01.10 NHL Ice Hockey: Colorado Avalanche @ Minnesota Wild 04.05 Motorsport Mundial 04.30 2004 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix Just so you know, “singer, Peter Andre” is an anagram of Green Penis Retard.

“Why’s TV Holly always looking at porn?” asks Nicola innocently enough. Possibly one of question’s we’ll never know the answer to...

19.00 Little Angels 19.30 Little Angels 20.00 Liquid Assets: Brad and Jennifer's Millions 21.00 Who Rules the Roost 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Cyderdelic John Peel narrates the exploits of anarchic trio Barry Castagnola, Marc Wootton and Liam Woodman.

Much needed re-screening of the first TV appearance of Marc “My New Best Friend” Wooton.

Apparently that show’s been snapped up by Ashton Kutcher for use with MTV. I can only expect it will be abject bollocks.

00.00 Liquid Assets: Brad and Jennifer's Millions 00.55 Who Rules the Roost 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 Vic and Bob in Catterick 02.55 Who Rules the Roost 03.55 3 Non-Blondes Big respect to the Machine Meadow crew, all my homies in Cathays and Hermana PR for sending me lots of nice records coz they’re luverly. Ta folks.

09.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

10.30 American Idol 3 11.15 American Idol 3 11.45 Love on a Saturday Night 12.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.00 Coronation Street Special - When Karen Met Steve 19.00 Celebrities Exposed 20.00 American Idol 3 20.50 American Idol 3 21.15 It's Good to Be... Oprah 21.45 Movies Now 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 Celebrities Exposed 23.30 It's Good to Be... Oprah 23.55 Cold Feet 01.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 02.00 Teleshopping 03.00 Club Reps The Workers Uncut 03.50 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.05 Trisha Still a distinct lack of anything decent on telly - fear not though, TV John has put on the Magnetic Fields so all shall be OK. It’s all going to be OK... It’s all going to be OK... It’s all going to be OK...

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Captain Scarlet 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Max Magic 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Scrubs 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 There's Something about Miriam 22.00 Mile High 23.00 There's Something about Miriam She’s actually a he.

Litigation scenes ahoy.

23.30 Porno Valley 00.00 Fear Factor 01.55 FILM: The Player **** 04.20 Star Trek: The Next Generation 05.10 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Grill 19.30 Union Jack 20.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 A Wife for William 23.00 Trigger Happy USA 23.30 The Secret Life of Us 00.30 The Best of the Bronx Bunny Show 01.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.55 A Wife for William 02.20 Trigger Happy USA 02.45 The Secret Life of Us For once I’m lost for words as there’s bugger good all on E4 and I’ve spouted all my good, interesting gossip out already.

Apart from the fact that TV John is proudly sporting an awesome top hat this evening. Apparently his mum gave it to him off some 70s musician. We’re currently holding a vote to see what he should stick in the brim.

I say an ace of spades, TV Holly suggests Skittles (God knows why) where as the man himself quite fancies having either birdseed or children. Be very afraid.

As S4C except: 09.00 T4: Friends 09.30 T4: Popworld 10.25 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.55 T4: Friends 13.30 T4: The Simple Life 14.00 T4: The Grill 14.35 T4: Friends 15.10 T4: Will and Grace 15.45 T4: Stargate SG-1 16.40 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 17.30 Time Team 18.30 Scrapheap Challenge: The Scrappy Races 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 21.00 The Ultimate Pop Star Paul Whitehouse and Harry Enfield present the definitive list of the 50 biggest-selling artists of all time, based on sales logged by the UK singles charts of the last 50 years. Super, smashing, shite.

00.35 FILM: The Delinquents With Kylie Minogue acting like a paraplegic sea-lion. ** 02.25 Texas in Concert 03.15 Celebrity Wheelchair Challenge 04.15 Living with Hunger 05.05 Countdown 05.50 Tales of a Wise King 05.55 Angela Anaconda

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Listings

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February 16 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday16/02

!Horse @ The/Fun factory Please end the name controversy. We all know that ‘the factory’ sounds way too cool for school, bring back the fun!!

Free all night with NUS Saucy Monkey @ Creation Student Classics £3/2 Student night @ Evolution £3 (NUS) Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play from 8pm £2 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Mondays @ Exit Club Cheap and Cheerful chart night 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3 Salsa night @ Bar Med Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The slug and Lettuce From 7pm Film Society @ UGC Meet in the UGC Bar at 8pm for the film at 9pm.

Live @ Barfly Span + Jarcrew Doors: 8:00pm £5adv Something Anything @ Moloko Resident Dj's play whatever they want so should be fun! Bar open till 2am, drinks promos all night, free entry.

Coordinated @ Amber Lounge Brand new night of House, Breaks, Funk, Soul and Disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter.

Bottles 30p cheaper than at the Factory whether its fun or not.

7pm-11pm, entry £1 NUS. The Chuckle Brothers @ St. David’s Hall ‘Barry Potter and his smarter brother Paul in the Chamber of Horrors’. Do we really need reminding?

2:00pm £8.50

Tuesday17/02

Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors: 8pm Show 9pm £3.50 (NUS) Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal Doors: 9pm £2.50 (NUS) Rebel Rebel @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm Chill out @ The Philharmonic Free Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P £1 bottles and shots No dress code 9pm-3am Free before 11, £1.50 after Live @ Barfly Small Victories + Pinstripe Mafia + Kutosis Doors: 8:00pm £3 adv Mayhem @ Barfly A blend of rock, indie, classic rock, oldschool, metal, punk and ska.

11pm-2am £3, £2 NUS, £1 members of indiesoc, oddsoc, LMS. Concert @ University Music Department The Sorrel Quartet: Haydn: Quartet Op.64, No.1, Shostakovich: Quartet No. 12, Mendelssohn: Quartet Op.13. A varied programme. Mendlessohn composed this quartet at the age of 18; makes you sick.

Doors: 7pm, Concert: 7:30pm £3 (NUS) Soundbite@ Journeys Chillout electronic mish-mash with Nu Radikal Superstition @ Moloko Soul, Motown,Deep Funk, Nu Jazz. Bar open till 2am,Happy hour drinks all night, free entry. 8pm-2am Philharmonic Orchestra @ St. David’s Hall Borodin: Prince Igor Overture, Prokofiev: Piano Concerto No 2, Rachmaninov: Symphonic Dances. Go on, get some culture in you.

7:30pm From £9.50

Wednesday18/02

Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…?

12noon-2:30pm Free All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, func, disco Popscene: Indie Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!! 9:30pm £2.50 (NUS) Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am £2 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Wednesdays @ Club X Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3.00 Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Seventies Style Cheapskates @ Metros Go on, get yourself a musical education!

Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code 9pm-2am 2 for 1 cocktails @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Purple Bus Pass @ journeys This week DJs Bethan Elfyn and Bravecaptain turn up and play whatever they want. It's a shambles.

8pm - late £3 Express @ Barfly Hip-Hop and break beat with resident DJ, DJ Jaffa, voted the best hip-hop DJ in Wales. 11pm-2am, entry £2.

Wednesdays @ Moloko A night of Raunchy electro, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem.

Featuring monthly rotated local DJs Comedy @ St. David’s Hall With Dan Antopolski and Chris Addison.

Both these guys have attracted graet reviews, a bit more pricey than comedy club but worth it I should think.

8:00pm £12.00

YAP

Y E A R A B R O A D PA R T Y Seren Las 9pm 19 02 04 Are you taking a year abroad? Don’t miss this opportunity to meet fourth year students and visting ERASMUS students who can give you first hand knowledge of your chosen destinations.

ERASMUS is the year for parties, so start the socialising now!

FREE ENTRY Featuring Parisian DJ Rodrigue Ntsoumou

In conjunction with ERASMUS, French and Spanish societies.

Thursday19/02

Uprising @ Clwb Ifor BachReggae, Dub, Ska. Doors: 10pm £3 (NUS) Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am Dave Johns, Mark Walker, Russell Howard, Jo Caulfield @ The Glee Club £10.95 incl. food and comedy or £5.50 for entrance only.

A Step In The Left Direction @ Journeys £2 Rocknite @ Barfly A new classic rock night. 11pm-2am. £2 (NUS), £3 without.

Live @ Barfly The Boggs + Debauchee + Mattoidz Doors: 8:00pm £5adv Twisted by design @ The City Arms Not dance, Not Chart. Other than that they’ve got it all. A splendidly diverse alternative night. 8.30pm til 2am. Free.

Hospitality @ Moloko Featuring High Contrast, Skc, Syncopix with Landslide and Parker. Here we have the cream of drum'n'bass DJ and production talents, local hero High Contrast and his fellow ambassadors for the Hospital Records label, SKC and Syncopix. It was rammed last time, so arrive early.

Welsh National Opera @ The New Theatre Tchaikovsky’s ‘Eugene Onegin’ Sung in Russian with English Subtitles.

7:15pm Student Standby tickets 6:00pm Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama @ St. David’s Hall Berlioz: Overture Les Francs-Juges, Beethoven: Piano Concerto No 4, Brahms: Symphony No 3. 7:30pm £6.00 Portrait of the Artist as a Young Dog @ The Sherman A theatrical journey through the prose writings of Dylan Thomas. Thurs 19 -Sat 21 7.30pm & Sat Matinee 1.30pm Venue 1 £10

Listings

February 16 2004

Page 41

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy

Friday20/02

Saturday21/02

Sunday22/11

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach (downstairs) Guest DJs every week, Psych, pop, freakbeat, garagerock, punk, RnB and beyond. Doors: 10pm £3 Fridays @ Exit Club Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am. £1.50/3.00 Dueling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Live for the weekend Chaos @ Metros The only alternative.

Tunes to make you think/dance/drink.

9pm-3am The Friday Social @ Journeys A night of cool alternative sounds £3 Mad4It @ Barfly The best of indie classics, baggy beats and party tunes from The Coral to Stone Roses, The Beatles to Blondie, The Jam to the White Stripes. With resident DJ Mike TV. 11pm-2am, £3 entry.

Full Fat @ Moloko Full flavored party, Funk, Hip-hop, Breakbeats, Motown, Retro Disco and Electro-Boogie. Drinks Promos all night, Free entry B4 11pm. 8pm-2am.

Live @ Barfly The Fiery Furnaces + Sammo Hung Doors: 8:00pm £6adv Hip Hop Night @ Seren Las Organised by Amnesty international. With Optimus Prime headlining on the decks and all proceeds going to charity, it would be wrong not to go.

9:00pm till 1:00am £3.

Ballet @ St. David’s Hall Moscow Ballet La Classique performing Coppelia, a full length ballet with prerecorded music.

7:30pm From £14:00

Come Play @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Glamorous @ Creation £5 (NUS) All Inclusive @ Liquid Pay on the door and pay no more! Dress code: Smart (no ripped jeans or trainers) Cheesy chart, RnB, commercial Dance £10(NUS) The Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) Phil Hartnoll, Johnny Mac and Neil Hinchley. 10.00pm £10 Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Music, comedy and meaningless banter Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky Indie and Baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro 9pm-3am Tacsi @ Journeys DJs Bethan Elfyn, Louis Pattison, Y Peski Kids 8pm - 1am £2 Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco,future house,funk,soul,rhythm and blues.

Drinks promos all night long, free entry before 10pm Superfly @ Barfly Resident DJ Fetachini spins funky soul and classic disco. Dancing shoes required.

11pm-2am, entry £3.

Reload Sessions @ Oz Bar (in the basement) From 8:00pm Paranoied Productions @ Chapter Arts Centre ‘Map of Dreams’ A multi-media club event of live music, video, spoken word and physical performance. Paranoid productions revel in pop trash culture to assault and inspire the senses. Map of Dreams gathers a band of fugitives to embrace what others discard, subverting and mutating the images and sounds that surround them, creating a wall of visual and audio energy. 8:00pm £5

Acoustic Speakeasy @ The Toucan Chilled jam sessions, open mic from 8pm. Tapas available.Till Midnight Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7:30. £3 a team Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3 New Acoustic Fruit @ Journeys The best in home grown, national and international acoustic based songwriting talent. Plus open and support slots.

Taboo @ Moloko World Music, as if I even needed to tell you. It’s Sunday, of course it’s ‘world music’ Free entry. Open till 12

Where?

Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box Office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place,02920 878889.

The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History&Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street,Cardiff Bay,02920 256757 CBAT Gallery 123 Bute Street, 029 2048 8772 National Museum and Gallery Cathys Park, 02920 397951.

Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 12920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999

Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays) Clubs Stylus Golate (Off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jack’s Millenium Plaza

Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millenium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut&Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary Bar Med The Friary Henry’s Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP

St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans, Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (Gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Cliffton Street Glee Club Mermaid Quay 0870 241 5093

Jamie Cullum @ St. David’s Hall This is sold out I’m afraid. Looks like not everyone shares my opinion that Master Cullum looks like some kind of marsupial and sounds… well, boring?

7:30pm and I’m not telling you how much it is because if you haven’t already got a ticket you do not need to know.

Altitude @ Chapter Arts Centre Instrumental Inspirations Altitude is a duo featuring two prominent local musicians. Philip Heyman is the principal violist with Welsh National Opera and Zoe Smith is the assistant head of music at the Royal Welsh College of Music & Drama. Together they are combining an exploration of the rich repertoire that already exists for the viola with a desire to promote and encourage new pieces for the rarely seen 5 string viola pomposa. Sounds interesting.

8:00pm £5

Big Names Play Small Venues For Charity During the first week of March, Cardiff Barfly will be joining the other six Barfly venues, situated up and down this fair isle for PASSPORT: BACK TO THE BARS in aid of Shelter and War Child. Over this amazing six-night stand, Barfly venues in Birmingham, Cardiff, Glasgow, Liverpool, London and York will present some of the biggest and most sought after names in Rock, Urban and Pop music. These acts will play a series of unique and intimate gigs for audiences of between 50-400 people per show.

Here in Cardiff we can look forward to intimate dates, up close and personal with Amy Winehouse (Tues 2nd March), Gary Numan (Thurs 4th March), Super Furry Animals (Fri 5th March) and Supergrass (Sat 6th March) All you have to do is answer this simple question: Which group of venues will be hosting Passport: Bach to the Bars… Flyboy? Barfly? Of Fleabar?

Text your answer, followed by the name of the act you want to see to 83003 (or 83200 for Virgin Mobile customer). All correct answers will be logged and the winners will be randomly selected from the correct entrants on 21 February after the lines close just before midnight on Friday 20 February 2004.

The selected winners will be sent a code number. You need to bring this code plus a passport or a valid form of photo ID to gain access to the gig. (This is to stop naughty little touts cheating the charities.)

Each text entry will cost you £1.50 on top of your usual message charge but all profits will be split equally between the two charities so don’t feel skint, feel worthy!! You can enter up to 20 times, should you so wish, to increase your chances of getting into one of these amazing gigs.

Good luck and Happy Texting Further Info. At www.musicpassport.org

CinemaWeek

Chapter Arts Centre Elephant Chapter Cinema 1 Showing times: Mon + Tues: 8:40, Wed + Thurs 6:15 Love Actually You know the score. Didn’t really float my boat but maybe you feel the need to relive..

Chapter Cinema 1 Mon + Tues: 6:15, Wed: 2:30, Wed and Thurs: 8:15 Kitchen Stories In the 1950s, the average Swedish housewife walked the equivalent distance from Sweden to Congo each year while carrying out her kitchen chores.

Anxious to find a more efficient way of doing things, the Swedish Home Research Institute despatches a fleet of observers to observe the kitchen routines of single men.

Kitchen Stories slyly takes us through the humorous interplay between such uptight observer, sent to the rural Norwegian town of Landstad, and his more rustic, and distinctly uncooperative, subject. Wittily directed, with much understated visual humour, the film is part satire on social control and part humorous fable about friendship, as the pair move from initial suspicion to wary affection.

Chapter Cinema 1 Fri + Sat : 6:15, 8:15. Sun: 8:00.

Good Boy! Twelve-year-old Owen adopts a terrier, who’s actually just arrived on Earth in a flying saucer, to investigate why dogs haven’t yet taken over the planet!

Chapter Cinema 1 Sat: 3:00 Léon Morin, Prêtre (Leon Morin, Priest) For his second film about occupied France and his first mainstream venture, Melville turned to Beatrix Beck’s autobiographical novel and two hot New Wave stars – Emmanuele Riva as an atheist widow, and Jean-Paul Belmondo as a Catholic priest – charting their complex personal and religious relationship against troubled times.

Chapter Cinema 1 Sun: 5:00 Le Cercle Rouge (The Red Circle) new print Melville’s penultimate and most popular film pays tribute to movies like The Asphalt Jungle and Rififi with its tale of men getting together, performing a daring robbery, and suffering its tragic consequences.

Yet Le Cercle Rouge also departs from these classic models with its enigmatic melancholy heroes, bleak philosophical outlook and self-reflexivity.

Chapter Cinema 2 Mon + Tues: 6:30. Wed + Thurs 8:30 Wilbur (Wants To Kill Himself) A movie with a chronically suicidal hero might not sound like a recipe for entertainment, but Lone Scherfig’s latest is a joy, with all the warmth and sympathetic humour of her previous Italian for Beginners.

Chapter Cinema 2 Mon + Tues: 9:00, Wed + Thurs 6:30, Thurs 2:30.

The Cuckoo This gentle, quietly powerful drama is set in September 1944, just days before Finland pulls out of World War II. Anni, a Lapp reindeer farmer whose husband was drafted into the fighting four years earlier, takes in two refugees from opposing sides. Veiko is a Finnish sniper, turned on by his compatriots for being a pacifist and left shackled to a rock wearing a German uniform. Ivan is a disgraced captain in the Russian army and the sole survivor when the vehicle taking him to his court martial is accidentally bombed.

An unlikely bond develops between these three people, from different cultures and speaking different languages, resulting in comic and sometimes tragic misunderstandings, and a passionate, very human, threeway relationship.

Chapter Cinema 2 Fri + Sat + Sun: 6:30, 8:30

Matt’s Problem Page

Page 42

February 16 2003

grproblempage@cf.ac.uk : because you’re all mental

Problem of the Week

Controversy

Exam Woe

Dear Matt

Dear Matt, I just got some exam results back, and although I thought I’d done reasonably well, I really haven’t. My parents have got really high expectations of me and I’m terrified that I’ve let them down. I did revise and I did work hard. Just not sure what I’m meant to say to them. What should I do? Or how should I tell them, if at all?

Cheers mate Worried 2nd year, Sociology Ask me in a week or so when I know how I’ve done myself. The Lie may be a good idea in this predicament, but I wouldn’t advise it if money or life is at stake. What is important is your

Taj = Slug Dear Matt, I would like to thank you for speaking out about your concerns for Karl Kennedy in last week’s gair rhydd. It is reassuring to know that someone else is as concerned as I am about the decline of this once amazing man. Karl used to be a pillar of society; with his matching shirt and tie he was the superman of Ramsey Street (with the ability to specialise in whatever field of medicine his neighbours happened to require!). But now his character is going downhill, and I can only foresee sadness in the future for the lovely Susan Kennedy. But what concerns me more is the attitude of my housemate. She gets really excited when Karl becomes nasty and thinks that his drinking problem is the best story that the soap has had for years.

I don’t understand! I’m really worried that she has lost her morals and love for decent human nature. Please help me to rescue her Matt. Something must be done. I just hope that Karl sees sense and puts down the bottle before it is too late!

achievement in the near future.

Work harder. Take your cigarette out of your mouth and read something. Pretend that if you don’t pass then you’ll have to touch your mother’s tear stained face. If only I could count the amount of people that’ll go through this. Being serious, in such times the Parent is the instigator of various evils. If you do well then Daddy buys you things. If you don’t then you’re suddenly on your tod and become vilified for your parent’s insecurities about their own past failings. They’re still going to be bailing you out of your overdraft though, so go easy on the "Insert parentally applicably suitable profanity concerning their lack of hair/firm skin/chastity" front.

Alright?

Matt

Some people find the self-implosion of others an amusement. I know a few people who are keen to explore this notion, particularly when questioned on their own pathetic weaknesses. Empathy is often lacking in various people because they are in fact not capable of seeing beyond their own (deluded) self-perception.

What is important is the focus upon that which remains important to you. If she finds the disintegration of the good doctor into a gibbering wine-ridden philanderer a Source of Amusement ™ then perhaps you would be wise to put her perspective in line with that of nefarious (by which I mean posing a considerable threat to your children) characters such as Taj – perhaps the ugliest boy alive. I’d much rather see a narrative dealing with transforming his slug-boy face into something more approachable, or a story concerning the love child of Taj and Libby. That, you see, would rival anything, and Karl blatantly adopted her anyway. Judging from how hot Susan is.

Stop sucking my balls anyway.

Matt

I don't really have a problem but wanted to write to say that I too am appalled by the demise of Karl Kennedy. What has the world come to when the doctor of so many talents begins to feel he has not achieved? Does he not realise that he manages to work at the surgery and the hospital and seems to be the doctor of every single character in Neighbours who has ever been? He also seems able to cure anything. I am disappointed that Neighbours has chosen to ruin such a great character. I am also very upset that Stuart changed so much - what has happened to all the great characters? And what has happened to Boyd?

From an annoying twat with stupid hair to a great character his dramatic change seemed to coincide with his hair cut.

Boyd, however, is not as good as Joe Scully, who definitely rules, so I wish they would get rid of the crap and put more of the good characters back, more Joe and Boyd!

Yours in neighbours love Anon, 2nd yr Zoology

Boyd is shit. I hate him. Although I predict a storyline akin to that of Billy and Anne in the near future (I only came to Cardiff because someone told me Anne was here, you bastard) – you know, tents and the Ute. We all know that he has a hair fetish, and that when Steph goes to sleep he pulls hair out of her head to construct wigs for Sky. We all know that under his innocent mannerism and apparent reprisal of moral guided behaviour he slips pubic hair into his sister’s cornflakes. It just isn’t exchangeable, you can’t write to me in compliance with last week’s page if you expect me to agree that Joe Scully represents the new brand of Karl "Loves-To-Love-Amnesiacs" Kennedy humour. It’s just a lie, he’s a fidgety, stuttering and consistently demented bastard, and his new sprog will almost certainly be as shit as it’s older sisters.

Stuart is wet, (see Handy tip of the Week) and this may be a theory, but if one looks closely at the production company’s logo, postcredit sequence, you’ll notice that a company have proclaimed the rights to the show’s production.

This may or may not go some way in the reasoning for both character reforms (see : Karl, Lou, Connor "I’ve gotta go" Irish, Stuart and Steph) and the profoundly offensive utilization of "crazy" camera shots. You don’t need to crash-

Bless the Child Dear Matt If I kiss a boy with my eyes closed, is it still gay?

Yours hopefully, Confused in Cardiff Sure is.

Matt

This week everyone hates Karl Kennedy. This is perhaps why I received two problems centred upon this sensitive issue. Regressive diseases are so January. Keep it up like.

Matt Hill

A worried 2nd year

Gerry Anderson: Hates Hollywood This man created Thunderbirds. Although he may remain an obscure, folically challenged chap to you, the discerning reader, by the end of this year you will all know his name. Why? Because Hollywood has spaffed in his face in order that they may spaff his pride and joy all over the side of bus stops and kid’s TV. Thunderbirds was not made to have a makeover, we do not want laser powered, neon edged ships, we want firework laden wooden models wazzing about. We do not want to see a COOL and MODERN typeface ruining the old-skool style of 60’s puppet majesty. Chrome is not quite as kitsch as that sloping font. And I bet you the Tracy boys are really, reallly, really crap. Brains will be stud-esque, and unless the boys have had a Gerry-sanctioned script (doubtful) I will be so, so bitter. So don’t go and see the live-action film.

Ignore it like you would ignore a leper.

Right then, so this is what happens when readerships are lazy. I have a small, insignificant space to fill with mindless drivel that has no relevance whatsoever to anything in any circumstance in any context, ever. So just write me an email and I’ll be nice to you if you pretext it with “For Matt, to fill needless pathetic voids of whiteness and such.”

zoom up people’s noses and play music other than the well-established repertoire of "Happy chorus", "Sad chord sequence with impending doom crescendo" and "suspense is required to support poor scripting of dramatic action sequence often involving cars and shit characters" I wish that a compassionate yuppie would craft a small company to subsidise maintenance of Erinsborough as mindless escapism for students and those frequenting the Post Office, shuffling quietly with JSA stamped giros. Privatisation would lead to the negotiation of an omnibus edition, which surely remains the ultimate goal of Ramsey Street lobbying nutcases with nothing better to do (or write about).

Matt

Handy Tip of the Week You meet a new person. You like their company.

You share a mildly carbonated alcoholic beverage with said person. You talk about how you hate everything. You talk about your mother, and your father, and your old friends back home – and their exploits under the influence of Class A drugs. You decide that this person ought to be introduced to your other friends. This may seem a pointless exercise, akin to Fresher’s Week superficiality, but you’d like to meet up with your new buddy again, share another pint, talk shit about shit, and so forth.

So, the fateful day arrives when introductions – albeit mildly informal – are to be executed. You see your new friend arrive, as he saunters, slightly nervously, towards your intimidating group of friends. You smile, acknowledge their entrance, and stand up to greet him. Only there’s a problem. As you say "here’s so-and-so" and they outstretch a polite hand, your new friend reciprocates. The tendons in your established friend’s wrist flex. Only your new friend’s don’t. The hand goes weak, it falls away, it does not share the same experience. It is limp, flaccid. It is wet. You think discreetly, you also go to shake his hand.

You perform the handshake with usual vigour.

Only it is again received with trepidation. It is a wet handshake. Your illusions are shattered.

Enforcing masculinity may be something treated with unintelligible remarks. You can call me a bastard macho fucker if you want. But handshakes are a force unto their own. A handshake must be firm, but fair. It must not linger, this may be perceived with negativity. The handshake must last no more than three seconds, as to retain digit function and pride. The handshake is not an intense exercise in digit wiggling. The handshake is to affirm feelings, and to re-enforce the male’s perpetual competitive nature. The handshake must NOT be used as a means of protecting one’s girlfriend. Crushing a new acquaintance’s hand is a bad thing. It is not the Big Man thing to scare a better looking man away by breaking their knuckles.

The point of this week’s handy tip is to remind you that handshaking is a great thing. Providing you do it properly, it can seal relationships and forge new boundaries in pseudo-homosexual male bonding sessions.

“

The rest are too scared to fight me The rugby team win Busa division

”

Back page

Joe Calzaghe, October 2003 Joe Calzaghe speaks to gr sport

Issue 755 16 February2004 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

page 46

Six Nations Preview page 47

BUSA and IMG results. Below Page 44

ROUND-UP

BUSA

Men’s Rugby 1sts-Western Rugby Union Men’s 1sts 1A Cardiff 1st

49-24

West of England 1st

IMG

Men’s Tennis - Western Tennis Men’s 1st 1A Cardiff 1st

Bournemouth 1st

2-2

RESULTS

Netball Results from Wednesday 11/02/04 Premier CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 'B' 9 - 9 PSYCHOLOGY LAW 'A’ 12 - 6 ECONOMICS COMSOC 9 - 21 CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ‘A’ PHARMACY ‘A’ 22 - 4 LAW ‘B’

Cardiff 2nd

38-0

UWIC 2nd

Cardiff 3rd

19-42

Medics 2nd

Bath (Women’s)

47-0

Cardiff (Women’s)

Gloucester (Women’s)

0-6

Cardiff 1st (Women’s)

Men’s Badminton - Western Badminton Men’s 1sts 1A Plymouth 1st

Cardiff 1st

3-3

Women’s Basketball 1sts - Western Bball W 1sts 1A Bath 1st

Cardiff 1st (Men’s)

Brunel 1st

87-109

Men’s Hockey 1sts - Western Hockey Men’s 1sts 1A Cardiff 1sts

2-2

2-0

Cardiff 3rd

UWE 5th

0-2

Cardiff 4th

Women’s Hockey - Western Hockey Women’s 1sts 1A 2-2

Aberystwyth 2nd

1-8

Cardiff 2nd

Cambridge (Women’s)

2-7

Cardiff (Women’s)

Men’s Football - Western Football Men’s 1sts 2B Hartpury College

Southampton 1st

Gloucester 3rd

1-6

Cardiff 2nd

Swansea 3rd

1-0

Cardiff 3rd

Newport 2nd

0-2

Cardiff 4th

Bath (Women’s)

3-0

Cardiff (Women’s)

IMG Football Fixtures AFRO-CARRIBEAN SOC. LAW ‘A’

GYM GYM MATHLETICO MADRID 4-2

Bath 3rd

Netball-Premier League Netball Premier League South Cardiff 1st

21-97

Bath 1st

MOMED CARBS A’A JOHN JENKINS FC LOKOMOTIV ENGIN CHEMSOC JOMEC ACCOUNTANCY IRISH FC CHRISTION UNION ECONOMICS

UWIC 2nd

55-14

Cardiff 2nd

Bristol 3rd

37-36

Cardiff 3rd

Glamorgan 2nd

34-33

Cardiff 4th

Lacrosse - Western Women’s Lacrosse 1sts 1A Cardiff 1st

22-2

Bath 1st

BUTE PARK UTD FC THE GEORGE FC ATHLETICO ROY ACCOUNTINGTON STANLEY

Football Results from Wednesday 11/02/04 Premiership MOMED 3 - 3 EARTH SOC GYM GYM 0 - 2 LAW ‘A’ CARBS ‘A’ 1- 1 AFRO CARRIBEAN SOC FC REAL 0 - 4 MATHLETICO MADRID First LOKOMOTIV ENGIN 2 - 3 CHEMSOC JOMEC 4 - 1 IRISH FC CHRISTIAN UNION 4 - 1 JOHN JENKINS FC ACCOUNTANCY 2 - 5 ECONOMICS Second THE GEORGE FC 3 - 1 ATHLETICO ROY UNI HALLSTARS 4 - 1 BUTE PARK UTD FC ACCOUNTINGTON STANLEY 3 - 2 AFC HISTORY LAW ‘B’ 1 - 1 MYG MYG Third JAPSOC 3 - 3 PHARM AC ENGLISH SOC 1 - 4 PLANDERLECHT CARBS ‘B’ 4 - 0 XPRESSTON NORTH END CATHAYS FC 3 - 3 OPTOMETRY

FIXTURES

IMG FC REAL EARTH SOC

Cardiff 2nd

Cardiff 1st

2-1

Southampton 1st

Swansea 2nd

Cardiff 1st

Second SOCSI 12 - 7 ENGLISH SOC CHRISTIAN UNION 6- 4 OPTOMETRY ‘B’ SAWSA 6 - 11 PHARMACY ‘B’ XPRESS RADIO 5 - 22 OPTOMETRY ‘A’

Cardiff 1st

53-34

First CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 'C' 6 - 2 THE MARINES CHEMSOC 23 - 4 CPLAN CARBS 'B' 11 - 13 GYM GYM MEDICS 6 - 13 CARBS ‘A’

LAW ‘B’ AFC HISTORY UNI HALLSTARS MYG MYG PLANDERLECHT JAPSOC PHARM AC CARBS ‘B’ CATHAYS FC XPRESSTON NORTH END ENGLISH SOC OPTOMETRY IMG Netball Fixtures SOCSI XPRESS RADIO SOPHIA GARDENS 3:00pm OPTOMETRY ‘B’ OPTOMETRY 'A' SOPHIA GARDENS 3:00pm GYM GYM CU ‘C’ TALYBONT 2:30pm CHRISTIAN UNION SAWSA TALYBONT 3:00pm CHEMSOC MEDICS SOPHIA GARDENS 3:30pm CARBS 'A' THE MARINES SOPHIA GARDENS

2:30pm PHARMACY 'B' ENGLISH SOC SOPHIA GARDENS 2:00pm LAW 'A' LAW ‘B’ TALYBONT 2:00pm C U ‘B’ C U ‘A’ POSTPONED 3:00pm C.U. ‘B’ PSYCHOLOGY TALYBONT 2:30pm LAW ‘B’ PHARMACY 'A' SOPHIA GARDENS 3:00pm THE MARINES C.U. 'C' TALYBONT 3:30pm

Sport

February 16 2004

Page 45

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Wright’s weird weekends

This week, Ben does his best impression of David Brent as he dons his Sergio Georgini gear for a night with Dancesport

Prior to arriving, the Sports Editor told me it would be great to "smarten up a bit for the evening."

I didn’t know whether that was a comment on my general dress sense or a request to look the best for the event. Being the one who asks ‘how high’ when told to jump, I duly obliged.

Sadly though on arrival I noticed that I was the only fool in a suit.

Glances were shot in my direction that seemed to have "what the f**k" written all over them. I looked out of place instantly, and the dancing had not even begun.

Luckily Dancesport captain Mike Evans and President Becky Clarke were there to help me through the dances as the simple enough task of left, left, left didn’t stick to my goldfish-like memory.

Thankfully they decided to spare

what little dignity I had and placed me in the ‘beginners’ class.

First up was the "cha-cha-cha", and I was aided in my moves by social secretary Steph Arnold. But the equation of beautiful girl + me looking stupid + wearing a suit whilst dancing made me sweat more than a referee considering giving a penalty at Old Trafford.

So, from here on in as partners changed, I was greeted by questions such as

"aren’t you hot in that" and "don’t you want to take the jacket off". I would have loved to, except that I was afraid of comatosing some poor girl with my underarm sweat.

But after a while I seemed to get the hang of things.

I cast aside my fears of looking like Barry Manilow and any notions of fear, even if my feet were still doing an impression of a drunk old man whose walking stick had just been pinched.

After an hour of Reggae dancing and then some nifty Rock ‘n’ Roll dancehall steps it was over. I was intact and so were Becky and Steph’s feet.

From looking around I couldn’t help but notice the ratio of women to men with roughly three times more girls than blokes. As one wag noted, "it’s not the reason I came, it’s the reason I stayed."

IMG Feature Match - Economics v. Accountancy

By John Stanton Deputy Sports Editor Economic 6 Accountancy 0 Economics survived a scare to confine Accountancy to their second consecutive defeat and record their first win in this year’s First Division.

Economics dominated the early exchanges and a stunning

Entertainment value 8/10 Earth Soc John Jackson 7, Dan Forder 7, Lee Morgan 7, Tim Sanders 6, Stephen Maricc 8, Richard Pugh 8, Ben Wade 6, Gethyn Gibbons 7, Steve Fincher 9, Chris George 6, Addy Adeleye (capt) 7, Subs: Gareth Barnes 6, Dave White 5, Andy Borrowdough 5,

strike from James Righton gave them an early lead. Another long-range effort from Dunne doubled the lead and it looked as if the game might have been over midway through the first half.

The deficit was reduced after 25 minutes when Tony Carey was felled on the edge of the penalty area. Rhys Beak punished the scrappy Economics defending with a precise free

Accountancy Matt Brown 6, Lawrence Beach 6, John Stanton 9, Mark Bate (capt) 6, Andy Whitworth 6, Chris Holland 6, Damir Volanovic 6, Rhys Beak 6, Phil Bate 6, Steve Williams 6, Gavin King 6 Subs: Chris Padden 6, Ben Davies 6, John Sudders 6, Tony Carey 6 Star Man: John Stanton - Showed great poise in a team devoid of ideas

kick, picking out the bottom corner with pinpoint accuracy.

Buoyed by this lifeline, Accountancy dominated the latter stages of the half but the half-time whistle meant Economics led 2-1 at the interval.

Accountancy continued to exert pressure after the break and Dan Hall drew the scores level with a clever flick after Economics had failed to clear a corner.

Accountancy pressed and it seemed a remarkable comeback would be completed, but as they attacked in numbers, Economics scored on the counter attack after the Accountants had failed to clear.

This acted as a catalyst for Economics who, with re-found confidence and energy, put the game beyond Accountancy with a series of clinical finishes within the space of ten minutes from Brewer, Caunce and Weekley.

Frustrated at having seen a memorable comeback falter at the last, Accountancy captain Mark Bate commented, “It was ver y frustrating, having got back in the match, to end up on the losing side.”

Economics team manager Pete Clark was relieved to have finished with a victor y, “I thought it was quite an even game and we certainly didn’t deserve such a flattering score line.”

But on the serious side, as president Clarke rightly noted "It’s seen as a sissy thing, but it’s one of those places that you have to come to break the stereotype."

Towards the end of the evening I was given a brief demonstration by two advanced members.

And if they can pull off those moves at the forthcoming National Championships in Stoke, then I’m sure they will have no trouble in regaining their title.

1980s Ben thinks he’s in the

Next week, Ben will be tripping the light fantastic with Dancesport as he dons his dinner suit and cavorts with the hoi-poloi of Cardiff University.

TENNIS with Hywel Bevan Cardiff’s women’s team produced an emphatic victory to mark their last BUSA match of the year.

The 6-0 victory away at Cheltenham and Gloucester was representative of the team’s form all season, as they have remained unbeaten in every BUSA fixture.

And the consistent victories of team members Charlotte Lines, Hannah Smith, Henrietta Eve and captain Anna Lambert has resulted in Cardiff Women’s team sitting pretty as league champions at the end of the season.

Crucially, the unbeaten performances in the home and away fixtures against favourites Exeter laid the foundations for Cardiff ’s richly deserved status as league champions.

Meanwhile, the men’s team ended the season with an unfinished (2-2) drawn match at home to Bournemouth, which makes amends for last week’s disappointing 4-2 loss to Bristol.

First and second seeds Saq Rana and James Franklin won the opening doubles tie 9-7, but third and fourth seeds Toi Tee and Ed Martin went down 8-6.

While Rana and Tee’s single fixtures were unfinished, Franklin lost in a three-set encounter (0-6 6-2 75), but Martin cruised to victory in straight sets (6-0 6-1).

Tae-can-do it The academic year began with an avalanche of success for the Cardiff University Taekwondo club.

Club instructor, Mr Dean Matthews, returned from the World Championships in Greece with a wellearned bronze medal.

He later injected his enthusiasm into the Welsh Team, leading them to a fantastic second place in the four Nations Home International, held in Llantrisant in November, whilst collecting two golds in the individual events.

The club also proudly produced its first student Black Belts. Achieving this status requires a great deal of dedication made even more difficult by the timings of the academic year.

Despite this, Robert Saunders and Matt Pitman achieved the coveted grade after a weekend seminar and grading with the Founder of British Tae-kwon-do, Grand Master Rhee Ki Ha. Robert and Matt were responsible for beginning the club six years ago and have remained dedicated ambassadors for the Taekwondo club despite further studies and the beginnings of

their careers.

The students also did very well at a weekend of British Championship events.

Joint Club Presidents Harry Brown and Paul Lawrence returned with a gold and bronze each whilst Erastus Kamau, Kevin McCabe, Stewart Wordingham achieved an array of medals.

However, it was Mags Smy and Ian Jones who both succeeded in becoming British champions in the colour belt sparring.

This semester will be quite an event too. The Taekwondo club has spearheaded an initiative to unite all Martial Arts within the University in order to combine ideas and promote Martial Arts in general.

The Taekwondo club’s sponsor, Varsity, have kindly agreed to host a special social event on Saturday 28th February, in order for all Martial Artists to meet up for some fun and to allow anyone interested in taking up a Martial Art to find out more.

Tickets are £2 and are available from Harry Brown at donthegloves@ntlworld.com.

Sport

Page 46

February 16 2004

grsport@cf.ac.uk

FIGHTING TALK EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

By Riath Al-Samarrai, Sports Editor JUST ONE MONTH after celebrating his 29th birthday, and barely a minute into the second round of his thirteenth defence of the WBO Super Middleweight belt, a stunned Joe Calzaghe stared up from the canvas at Byron Mitchell.

A surprise jab by the former world champion had floored the Welshman for the first time in a career spanning over a decade, and pundits across the globe shook their heads at yet another British fighter buckling under the pressure of worldwide stardom.

Like Prince Nasseem Hamed’s fairytale dominance of the boxing world had been exposed by its many shortcomings, and Lennox Lewis’ glass jaw had cracked in the past, Calzaghe momentarily joined Britain’s legion of nearly-great fighters.

But where Hamed bled at the “iron fists” of Marco Antonio Barreira and a dazed Lewis handed over his heavyweight belts to littleknown Hassim Rahman, Calzaghe rose to his feet and mocked those prematurely reporting the obituary of Wales’ finest pugilist.

Combining a deft jab with a trademark left hook, Calzaghe sent Mitchell’s battle-hardened frame plummeting to the ground and forced a second round stoppage in front of a patriotic Cardiff crowd and preserved his flawless record.

Only moments earlier pessimistic critics had been preparing to feed of the carcass of his “flailing” career, but now waxed lyrical about the spirit with which the champion had

while nowadays sceptics pinpoint a lack of competition for Calzaghe’s failure to secure boxing immortality – something faced adversary. Calzaghe had finally that riles Joe immensely after fourteen received the full recognition many consecutive title defences.

“I am fed up of waiting for unification believed he deserved-this side of the borbouts as a super-middleweight.” And der at least.

Nearly a year on, and sat next to me in mimicking the words of his promoter, Cardiff’s Hilton Hotel ahead of his Frank Warren, “The rest are too scared to eagerly awaited return to the ring next fight me. There is nobody left for me as Saturday against Russian Mger a super-middleweight apart from Sven Mkrtchyan, the Newbridge-based fight- Ottke (who holds the IBF and WBA er is still feeling the affect of that shock belts) and he obviously doesn’t want to come near me. I won’t be wasting any of knockdown.

“It hurt my pride. To get knocked my breath talking about Bernard down for the first time in your career is Hopkins either,” snapped Calzaghe after hard. He caught me with a great shot, the American refused the latest big money offer for a and I did not see it showdown between coming, but I came the sport’s two big back in style and names either side of showed everyone the Atlantic. my champion’s “I’ve dominated heart by coming the super-midback the way I did dleweight division and turning the fight on its head, Joe Calzaghe for six years, but now there are no putting him down and stopping the fight. I was proud of my challenges for me. I have chased after achievement; I showed something I had- my rivals, and they have just run scared.”

And with that emerges Calzaghe’s n’t shown against anybody before, in that when my back is against the wall burning ambition and motivation.

“I want to go down as one of the I can pull it out of the bag.”

But proving himself greatest fighters this country has ever has become an irritat- produced - by the end of the year I want ing burden for recognition as one of the best pound for Calzaghe, who first pound fighters in the world. But at this claimed the WBO weight it may not be possible.

“I accept that I may have been born a W o r l d C h a m p i o n s h i p decade too late when you consider the with a bruising likes of Steve Collins, Nigel Benn and points victory Eubank who used to fight at this weight over Chris and all got the global reputations. I just Eubank in 1997. have to do something different to make That night critics my name in history.”

How does Calzaghe plan to achieve blamed the evertheatrical Eubank’s this goal?

“It would be great to be the first aging and rapidly lumbering body for Welsh fighter to win a world title at two the shock result, weights, not many British boxers have achieved that. I want to stamp my authority on the new division (light heavyweight), win a title then go to the states and show them what I can do.

That’s not to say I want to leave Wales, I love this country and when an entire nation gets behind you there is no feeling like it in the world. But, I want to prove myself in the states. I’ll show everyone how great I am.”

Joe Calzaghe holds an understated arrogance - yet where many of his contemporaries, like the self-promoting Roy Jones Jnr or self-destructive Mike Tyson thrive

The rest are too scared to fight me.

There is nobody left for me as a super-middleweight

on the spotlight and boast a personality larger than ability - his focus thoroughly remains on excelling in his profession.

He is egotistical, but in a sport pitting your courage against men trained to harm you, it is an asset not an ailment.

But what regard does the man branded “The Terminator” have for the potential risks of his sport; does he fear rendering someone brain-damaged or even worse?

“You don’t fight if you think about those things. Boxing is a sport, a skill, an art - it is about hitting and not getting hit yourself. I’m friends with a lot of the fighters, and I always speak with them after the fight. I never go into a fight with a grudge or hating an opponent. It is just what I have to do; it’s a sport. When I’m in that ring I’m a different person and I just want to destroy the other guy, but as soon as the bell goes and it is the end of the fight we are friends again.”

It is the single-minded dedication to his goals that has helped Calzaghe to emerge from humble beginnings, growing up in Welsh valley town Pentwynmawr, and becoming the champion he is today. Much of that devotion has been instilled in him from a young age by his father and trainer Enzo, who upon his arrival in the country from his native Italy, built a boxing gym to train his young son.

“My father helped make everything possible. Mine and his hard work from a young age allowed me to develop as a

fighter, and gave me the strength of character that I need to keep going. I enjoyed boxing as a kid, and found that I was talented at it, and after becoming the ABA Champion had a one-track mind focused on becoming world champion. That’s when I started believing I could do it. I really wanted to make something of myself because things are poor where I’m from, so I sacrificed my schooling and didn’t turn up to exams because I was training all the time to succeed.

Thank God it all paid off.”

In the high stakes, and often viciously fickle world of boxing, where one minute you are washed up evidence of your country’s failure to produce a champion, and the next you are the A-list guest at celebrity functions, Calzaghe excels in remaining human.

Through his hard work and dedication Calzaghe has climbed the skill pyramid to its elitist summit, and despite countless questions over his “untested” ability, he brazenly points to his life philosophy before leaving the room.

“Everything I have done has been my choice. When I get this fight against Mkrtchyan out of the way, I can show the light-heavyweight division just how good I am. I will be a two weight champion of the world, doing the same things I have always done. If it is not broken then don’t fix, it and at the end of the day I am world champion, and will continue to do things my way.”

Six Nations Special

February 16 2004

Page 47

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Let battle commence...

James Cooke investigates who will be the front runners for the Six Nations

gair rhydd prediction 4th Coach Steve Hansen Recent History Superb performances against England and New Zealand in the World Cup gave Welsh Rugby a much needed boost as they seek to avenge last year’s wooden spoon disaster which included a 30-22 defeat in Rome. And, with Steve Hansen leaving the post as Wales coach after the tournament, it looks as though he has picked the players that will continue the form shown down under last November.

Wales lost all of their matches last year in the home nations competition for the first time since 1995 and will hope to show the brand of rugby that brought the Principality the success of the 1970s. However, with England and Ireland to play away, Wales will do well to return from Twickenham and Landsdowne Road with anything to show for their troubles.

Betting 33/1 for the tournament.

Current Zurich rankings

749 714 689 556

IRELAND Key Players Denis Hickie, Ronan O’Gara Strengths/Weaknesses The legendary figure of Keith Wood has departed but surely left his mark on a pack that must provide good ball for the flair in the back line and in particular, Brian O’Driscoll, one of the best centres in world rugby.

Comedy Anecdotes Make a visit to the Guinness Rugby Football Club website and the barman will greet you with this Irish wit: Rugby Player: Doctor, Doctor, it every where I touch my body it hurts. Doctor: You’ve broken your finger!

ITALY 0 IRE 10 FRANCE 13 SCOTLAND 14 WALES 22 ENGLAND 25

1006 931

10

1138

15

1315 1199

20

1339

25

Total Champ.wins

5

1 England 2 N. Zealand 3 Australia 4 France 5 South Africa 6 Ireland 7 Scotland 8 Wales 9 Samoa 10 Italy

SIX NATIONS SQUAD NEWS

V

V

ITALY

WALES

FRANCE Key players Frederic Michalak, Fabien Pelous Strengths/Weaknesses No shortage of va va voom in a back line that was rampant at the World Cup. The pack is based around a formidable back row so expect some bruising tackles from Serge Betson and Olivier Magne. Might not have what it takes in poor conditions as England demonstrated in the World Cup semi-final.

Did you know Seven pairs of brothers have represented France in the championship, the most recent being Marc and Thomas Lievremont in 1998.

March 27

gair rhydd prediction 6th Coach J Kirwan Recent History A satisfactory World Cup with wins over Canada and Tonga, but the opening day defeat of Wales last year will rank as one of their finest achievements.

V

ENGLAND February 22

gair rhydd prediction 1st Coach C Woodward Recent History The title of World Champions speaks for itself. Last year’s winners were beaten only once in 2003, and by a single point,

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SCOTLAND

FRANCE

February 14

March 7

gair rhydd prediction 2nd Coach B Laporte Recent History Couldn’t match the scintillating performances against Scotland and Ireland when they met England in the semi-final of the World Cup but are always the team most oppositions fear. When they are low on confidence they have the natural ability to turn a game in seconds.

They continue to dominate the European scene in the Heineken Cup with three teams through to the knock-out stages.

And it is their backs, especially Jauzion in the centre, who will be the main focus of attention as they look to the home match against England as a Grand Slam decider.

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gair rhydd prediction 5th Coach Matt Williams Recent History A below par World Cup saw them thrashed by the French. They also suffered after a number of players retired.

IRELAND

Strengths/Weaknesses.

It’s difficult not to miss players of the calibre of Johnson and Wilkinson but recent performances have more than illustrated the strength in depth. Jason Leonard continues to break records in an awesome pack which feeds the power of Cohen and guile of Robinson and Lewsey.

Comedy Anecdotes David Campese patrolling the streets with the words ‘I admit the best team won’ emblazoned over the cross of St.George put a smile on many an English face as the arrogant aussie was proved wrong.

friendlies and their home form is one of the best in world rugby. Will suffer after the loss to injury of captain and god-like figure Brian O’Driscoll for the first couple of matches and must rely on the blend of youth and experience to carry them through after failing at the last hurdle at home to England in 2003.

February 22

gair rhydd prediction 3rd Coach E O’Sullivan Recent History Arguably deserved to beat the Wallabies at the World Cup but a good tournament was shattered by the first half rout at the hands of the French. Recently beat Scotland, Italy and Wales in Betting 25/1 for the title

ENGLAND WALES Key Players Lawrence Dallaglio, Ben Cohen

in 17 games. Repeated victories over Australia and New Zealand in the past few years both home and away underline their number one status. Their Grand Slam win last year will be difficult to match now that several of their experienced players are on the way out. The pivotal role of outsidehalf will be critical.

Key Players Colin Charvis, Shane Williams Strengths/Weaknesses Finally proved their potential leading the Kiwis half way through the second half in Australia. The forwards, particularly assured on line-out duty have an inspired leader in Charvis and the World Cup marked the emergence of winger Shane Williams as a real threat. He now has 13 tries in as many internationals.

Did you know Wales were crowned champions of the inaugural Deaf Rugby World Championships with a 2814 victory over New Zealand in 2002.

ITALY Key Players Andrea de Rossi, Matt Phillips Strengths/Weaknesses Enthusiasm and power are available in abundance but the Azzuri will do well to increase their victory tally beyond the two wins they have achieved since joining the competition in 2000. A lot rests on the relatively inexperienced shoulders of skipper De Rossi and they must avoid injuries or indiscipline.

Did you know World Cup hero Rima Wakarua was brought into the World Cup squad having only played second tier Italian League rugby having not even trained with the international squad.

SCOTLAND Key Players Simon Taylor, Scott Murray Strengths/Weaknesses Redpath, Townsend and Logan are amongst five retirees from the back line of Scotland’s last international fixture. Inexperience is likely to be the downfall and expectations are relatively low.

Simon Taylor at No.8 is regarded as one of the world’s best and with some passionate support from a sell-out at Murrayfield, anything could be possible.

Did you know In his second game for Scotland, Simon Taylor played for 65 minutes against Australia with a double fracture to a hand.

gair rhydd

UNIVERSITY SPORT Catch up on all the BUSA and IMG results

JOE CALZAGHE Reigning world boxing champion speaks to gr sport

See page 44

See page 46

HARTBROKEN We are the champions

Final day defeat sees Men’s AFC surrender promotion to Hartpury HARTPURY COLLEGE MEN’S AFC 1

2

By Thom Airs, Deputy Editor CARDIFF HUFFED AND PUFFED but couldn’t knock down Hartpury’s agricultural defence as they went down 2-1 in rural Gloucestershire.

With qualif ication from the division resting on the outcome of this match it was no surprise that an open, free-flowing game never developed.

Cardiff needed only a draw from this match to top the table but didn’t sit back and defend.

After an early corner caused havoc in their box the away side regained composure to take the lead.

Simon Green’s free kick on the edge of the area caught the Hartpury goalkeeper off guard and the ball nestled in the far corner of the net.

The importance of this match became clear after the opening goal as the level of fouls and dissent increased.

On 16 minutes Hartpury’s left back clashed with Mike Rabjohns and the somewhat heavy-handed referee booked both players. By midway through the first half the tally of bookings had reached four and soon after Hartpury got the equaliser that

their aerial pressure threatened. A debatable free kick was given on the left of Cardiff ’s area and the resultant cross curled perfectly onto the boot of an incoming striker and into the roof of the net.

With the first half coming to a conclusion Hartpury delivered a sucker punch on 44 minutes as a precise corner was met by the head of their left centre back to give the Gloucestershire team the half-time advantage.

The second half was far from pretty and Cardiff made two attacking substitutions as they pushed forward.

However, this left the Welsh side vulnerable to breakaway attacks and when Ravenscroft caught a Hartpury attacker with a late challenge Cardiff were reduced to 10 men.

Despite the numerical disadvantage Cardiff came within inches of scoring the all-important equaliser with two shots cleared off the line in the last 10 minutes. However, in the end, only good goalkeeping from Orall Nadjam prevented the score exceeding 2-1.

At the final whistle the away team were clearly distraught, with midfielder Paul Avery commenting, "I wish it was Champ Man and I could just turn my PC off and start again because I know we should’ve beaten them."

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY BRISTOL UWE

49 24

By James Cole and Toby Rigden CARDIFF UNIVERSITY were crowned champions of BUSA South West One League at Llanrumney after a comfortable victory over UWE Bristol.

Having suffered several near misses over the last couple of seasons, Cardiff put their BUSA demons firmly behind them.

UWE began brightly, scoring a converted try after only eight minutes as their flyhalf cut through a fragmented Cardiff defence to score underneath the posts.

Cardiff proceeded to exert severe pressure and UWE were forced into conceding two penalties, both of which were converted by Rob Lawson to bring the score back to 6-7. Although UWE scored a penalty of their own, Cardiff soon countered with two tries before halftime.

Chris Meharg broke free from a driving maul to drive to the line and on 40 minutes centre, Chris Baxter powered his way through for a converted try.

After the break Jack Bennett continued his recent scoring run, crashing over the line from two yards before the visitors hit back with a breakaway try.

With the result hanging in the balance, Cardiff raised the tempo and pinned UWE back with some good tactical kicking. A Lawson penalty gave the home side a commanding 11 point lead and three consecutive tries in the final quarter put the gloss on a fine performance.

The league title success represents the culmination of two years’ hard work and puts an end to four seasons of heartbreak for the University side. Veteran full-back Marc Heywood commented after the game, "Today’s result isn’t just about the last eighty minutes, it’s about the last four seasons. It gives Cardiff the opportunity to reach the higher echelons of British University Rugby for the first time since 1999/2000."

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