gair rhydd - Issue 757

rhydd

gair

free word - EST. 1972

News play Paxman and grill our election candidates as Investigations look at the worth of NUS

Quench

gair rhydd

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

ISSUE 757. MARCH 1 2004

Quench

FREE

Issue 9 - March 1 2004

CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

Interviews, Travel,

Gay, Fashion, Music, Books, DC Gates, Film, Blind Date, Going Out...

40 pages packed with reviews, news and features

Franz will be Franz

Exclusive Franz Ferdin and interview

Interviews - Fashi on - Gay - Travel - Music - Books Digital - Film - Arts - Food - Going Out

Mexican food Polar bear action Spike’s not dead!

NUS STRIKES BACK

PICKET: outside the union

SALLY HUNT: AUT secretary general

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY was the scene of vocal protests last Monday and Wednesday, as strike action forced the cancellation of lectures.

Although not the complete standstill the two unions had promised, Monday’s strike action attracted the attention of NUS president Mandy Telford.

The Association of University Teachers (AUT) and NUS joined forces for a week of co-ordinated action against "the marketisation of higher education."

National press swarmed to the scene of the midday speech on the Union stairs by Ms Telford, and her AUT counterpart, Sally Hunt.

Ms Telford told gair rhydd, "Underlying the concerns of both students and lecturers is the threat of the ‘commodification’ of higher education. If universities become a marketplace for learning, much of higher education will be disadvantaged, with variable pay for lecturers and many students priced out of higher education.

She continued, "Students have no desire to be taught by underpaid, under-motivated lecturers and they support the action taken by the AUT. "The government should not be trying to bully through proposals that do not benefit lecturers or students in any way."

The strike did not however impact as heavily on the university as initially feared – any lectures

missed because of the action were rescheduled, and in some cases teaching continued as normal.

Some students were oblivious to the picket lines, and crossed them regardless of staff remonstration.

At other universities across the UK a similar picture emerged – partial support, but students unwilling to commit to the action.

A spokeswoman for the Universities and Colleges Employers Association (UCEA), with whom staff are in dispute, said the unions' joint campaign had only had a 'minimal impact' on universities.

At Cardiff, the strike was perhaps one of the most successful, the national press describing "numbers turning out in force."

But critics said the joint action, by combining top-up fees and lecturer pay, confused issues which are essentially different, and made the point of the action less distinct.

In further developments, the AUT also voted to boycott exam and coursework marking, until such a point as employers accept their key negotiation terms.

Despite the obvious damaging impact this action poses to students, Mandy Telford said, "NUS will continue to stand shoulder to shoulder in solidarity with our staff and lecturers up and down the country.

"It is a very difficult situation for students but they understand and totally support the AUT in the action they are taking."

A UCEA spokeswoman acknowledged that a marking boycott would be 'potentially more damaging', which made it 'ironic' that the NUS was supporting something that would hit individual students.

"We really hope it doesn't come to this. We've always been ready to talk to the AUT -we still are, and we want to resolve this through constructive dialogue so students do not suffer."

PHOTOS: Gemma Griffiths

By John Collingridge News Editor

Mandy Telford speaks out in Cardiff

News

Page 2

March 1 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance 1 6 11 12 14 15 17 19 20 21 30 32 33

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss, Paul Dicken POLITICS AJ Silvers EDITORIAL AND OPINION A.J Silvers SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS James Anthony GRAB Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr,Angharrad George MEDIA Gary Andrews JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund PROOF READERS Rob Sharples, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Alys Southwood, Hannah Perry, Mithu Mukherjee CONTRIBUTORS Alison White, Claire Woods, Kirsty Monaghan, Molly Forbes, Matthew Ramsden, Jessica Ring, Olivia Warne, Andrew Nickel, Stephen Fishbourne, Rob Plastow, George Abugri, Rachel Howells, Rob Sharples, Megan Conner, David Jarmain, Catherine Gee, Will Dean, Steph Eagleton, Eleri James, Beca Murphy, Thom Airs, John Stanton, Martyn Thomas, Ben Wright, Robert Larque, James Cooke, Jon Tuscany

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

PHOTO: Kirsty Monaghan

News Election Special Interviews Editorial Letters Media Competitions Jobs & Money Taf Od TV Listings Listings Comedy Problem Sport

Fellowship of the Pole

FANTASY: Cardiff’s pole dancing joint

By Allison White Reporter FEMALE STUDENTS at Cambridge University have shocked Dons by taking lessons in pole dancing.

Some members have supplemented their income by using their new skills performing in local nightclubs.

The members of the 13 strong "Fellowship of the Pole" are lead by a second-year Theology student. The

and pole dancing is just a part of this.

The dancing started at a college party where poles were put in the main hall to dance around, and a group of girls began to use them as props. The group have been booked to perform at the Coco club in Cambridge for £10 each.

NUS president Mandy Telford told gairrhydd, "Students pole dancing for money shows how dire the student poverty situation is. However, a job paying minimum wage would probably earn them more money."

group used college funds to pay for professional training from a stripper at £200-an-hour.

Dons at the University fear the erotic dancing is another sign that undergraduates, female students in particular, are becoming too wild.

They also point out that students are discouraged from paid work in case it distracts them from their studies.

The group argue that pole dancing is a legitimate way of keeping fit and makes them feel empowered. They claim Cambridge is getting sexier

Cardiff climbs ratings CARDIFF IS now the ninth most popular UK destination for international visitors, according to figures released by the British Travel Fair.

Figures of visitors to Wales’ capital increased by over 40,000 to a staggering 280,000. This places Cardiff ahead of established popular destinations such as Bath and York.

A spokeswoman for the Wales Tourist board said, "Cardiff has come a long way in a short time. Our capital has a great reputation for being a young, fun city and capable of hosting major sporting events."

The increase in visitors to the city has been aided by low cost airlines, growing attractions, and improvements in marketing. The Cardiff Initiative, the agency responsible for promoting Cardiff across the world, is already advertising in the US. Nick Williams, marketing executive of the Cardiff Initiative, is confident that the agency’s work stateside "will see an increased trend in visitors from America."

The agency has started advertising in Heritage magazine, and Mr. Williams revealed, "we have had over 500 requests from people in America wanting more information on the capital."

Traffic society claim union betrayal

By Claire Woods Reporter A CARDIFF University society has claimed that the Students’ Union are unsupportive to societies.

The clubbing society Traffic has told the gairrhydd that the union are uncooperative in arranging dance nights in Solus.

Traffic host a weekly dance night at The Union, Churchill Way attended by 150 people supported by UWIC stu-

dents’ union.

Traffic’s president said, "We find the attitude of the union to societies like ours who promote an alternative music culture wholly distasteful.

“We have found ourselves in the somewhat unfortunate position of having to seek support from the UWIC students’ union, which is rather disappointing as we are promoting a service aimed mainly at Cardiff University students."

The President, Matt Swayer of the 200 member

society, has on several occasions tried to arrange dance events in the second room of Solus. After an initial rejection to Traffic hosting a Trance and Dance event in Solus, the Entertainments Manager, John Westaway, replied that there would be no nights that would suit this music.

He also said that the society should host some events in Seren Las to establish the society and prove that there is demand for the event.

Word on the street

“

I wouldn’t do it.

It’s not ver y good al. money and it’s a bit person

”

POLE DANCING

by Allison White

HAYCROFT BECKY R 3RD YEA MATHS

ELLIE COLLINS 3RD YEAR LANGUAGE AND COMMUNICATION

SARAH CHEWINS, 2ND YEAR MUSIC

After the success of the Union events, Swayer attempted to arrange another event in Cardiff’s Students’ Union. However, the President claims that the Entertainments Manager was again unsupportive. Westaway said that the event in Solus would be too big and expensive.

Josh Westaway, was unavailable to comment.

“

“

I know stuthe dents that have danced in a ned ear y the k thin I .

Fantasy Lounge sider it if I con uld wo I t. oun am fair had a smaller ass!

”

They should go for it if they want to do it. I personally wouldn’t want to do it.

”

News

March 1 2004

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

What it is to be Welsh

Hodge Hall thefts

St. David’s Day 2003

By Molly Forbes Reporter

WELSH PRIDE: Gareth Williams

By David Williams Welsh boy THE DAYS when St. David’s Day was a national holiday are long gone, but the occasion still gives Welsh people the chance to get drunk, or rather to give recognition to their patron Saint.

Schoolgirls in traditional Welsh costume and the smell of

freshly baked Welsh cakes are, sadly, becoming a thing of the past.

Indeed, the story of St. David is lost among most people under the age of 25 which does give the sense that, like St. Patrick’s Day, the corporate gain of the day is more important than the folk legend.

As with the Irish on March 17, Welsh people tend to celebrate March 1 with more than enough

gusto and, it could be argued, to a greater extent than St. George is in England.

And, at the risk of sounding too nationalistic or stereotypical, St. David’s Day does give the Welsh media the excuse to go into red, green and white overload.

Repeats of famous rugby and football matches are all too inevitable as are long forgotten television programs.

It must be said though that

these images are a like manna from heaven to a country whose sporting prowess is now about two notches below Venezuela.

The sight of Gareth Edwards, JPR Williams and Phil Bennett give heart to a nation that has suffered more than its fair share of disappointment.

So, on the March 1 just remember to go easy on any intoxicated Welsh person you may come across.

A NUMBER of Cardiff Halls of residences have been hit by a string of robberies from their mail boxes.

Mail is being stolen from Aberconway, Colum Hall and Hodge Hall. Birthday cards have been ripped open, money stolen and the cards discarded. In one particular instance an Amazon package containing textbooks was stolen from Hodge Hall.

The mail stolen is primarily in envelopes that have handwritten addresses. Bank statements and bills are left alone. This suggests that this is simply a petty thief – or thieves – who is hoping to find items that have been sent from family and friends rather than embark on financial fraud.

In this respect the problem is quite different to that faced by Bec Story, who lived in Severn Point last year and had her pin code stolen, then her account emptied.

All the halls of residences affected in this case have pigeonholes for mail rather than the lockable mailboxes found in the rest of university accommodation.

The Residences and Catering department intends to install these as soon as they can get planning permission, and mail will be sorted by the management staff. Hopefully, this will ensure that this problem does not reoccur.

Barfly revellers left with buzzing in their ears

By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor

CARDIFF BARFLY:

NOT SILENT at all was the night at the Barfly club on Friday, Februar y 20 where many of the customers inside complained about the loud volume of music.

A number of students who attended the club night have since voiced their concerns over the effect of the high noise levels on their hearing.

Elerie Lloyd, 21, a third-year English Literature student said, "Everybody in my group was complaining to the DJ, I did too, and he said there was nothing he

could do about it.

"I got into the toilet and I saw a girl putting toilet paper inside her ears: the volume was something distorted."

Aida Sanchez, a Spanish exchange student who frequents the club on Fridays, also complained, "It’s the first time since I came to Cardiff in late September that I left the club after being inside for less than an hour because I couldn’t stand the noise."

Manager in charge of Barfly, John, said, "We monitor the level of the sound and the DJ has control over it." Despite volume complaints from regulars, the manager did not note anything

unusual in the sound level of the music played that night: "It’s a night club, you know", he affirmed.

Dr. John Culling, a Lecturer in the School of Psychology at Cardiff University and an expert in hearing, described the effects that high levels of music in closed spaces can cause: "Usually after an exposure to high levels of sound, people will hear a ringing sound inside his ears that will disappear after two or three hours. Also, the ability to detect quiet sounds will be impaired for about 24 hours".

He warned, "this is potentially damaging; people can damage their hearing without noticing. It

News

Page 4

March 1 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Photo: Jessica Ring

RNLI needs you

By Matthew Ramsden Reporter STUDENTS ARE being asked to take part in the annual RNLI white water rafting challenge at Bala, North Wales, Sunday 6 June.

Up to 45 teams of daredevils will attempt to raise valuable funds for the Royal National Lifeboat Institution. Groups of 4-7 people will be welcomed to the event, which draws teams from around the country to raise money to carry out its essential 24-hour service.

Interested parties are encouraged to get in contact with organiser Tasmin Davies as soon as possible on 029 2045 6999 or email tdavies@rnli.org.uk.

Further information is available online at www.rnli.org.uk/events.

BBC blunder A BBC film crew came to the Taf last Friday to gauge student opinion on the government’s higher education policy, in light of the forthcoming strikes across campus.

However students were left bemused the following day when BBC News 24, which is also shown on BBC 2 on Saturday mornings, introduced the soundbites as being from the University of Northumbria.

Cricket theft LAST WEEK’S gair rhydd printed a story on the theft of cricket equipment from Tal-y-bont sports centre.

The equipment in question is actually still missing, and has never been returned, contrary to the article’s suggestion.

Ed Lewis, operations manager assured gair rhydd of the sport centre’s security and said, “the clubs’ equipment lockers are being located in the centre.”

Nightline day

By Andrew Nickel Reporter

THIS THURSDAY is Nightline Day, an event that will offer students a chance to find out what services Nightline really offers.

Nightline has been running for students for almost thirty years, but still many people do not really know what it can do for them.

It continues to be a listening service for students, entirely run by students, and is independent of the University.

Volunteers are trained to listen to on ti ac l team in whatever problems you may have, Carbs netbal no matter how large or small, and have plenty of information about health, relationships, academic issues and anything else that might be troubling you.

The service always aims to have at least one male and one female student working each night.

Nightline is non-judgemental and able to help you to work through your problems. msoc But Nightline provides far more he C am te ll footba G IM : S than just a friendly ear. You can also R TO VIC think of it as a cheap 118 service.

Nightline can give you the numbers for taxis, takeaways, health services or whatever else you might want.

Nightline can also give you information on other university services,

By Jessica Ring “Its like making love to a beautiThe table football tournament help groups and organisations, and & Olivia Warne was part of a promotion by the com- ful women. I’ve spent hours caresshelp to put you in touch with the Reporters pany: ‘Scream’ll fix it for you’, ing my men. But its purely for the services you want. which gives students the chance to love of the game, you must underFor anyone who drops into the stand.” fulfill certain ambitions. house at 148 Colum Road there are The runners up didn’t lose out The evening kicked off at 8 and LAST WEDNESDAY the Carling also free condoms, as well as an Cup came to Cathays to preside games were lively and fast paced completely though, as Rory O’Neill opportunity to discuss problems over a student table-football with all teams getting into the spir- took the ‘It’s a scream’ man of the face to face, and pick up informatournament at The George pub. it of the night. The clear winners match trophy, nominated by repretion you might want in person.

However, the cup was only on were Chemsoc F.C who defeated sentatives from gair rhydd.

Nightline aims to stay open from Reyno Norval was another of the show before Sunday’s final at the Carbs B 10-5 in the final clash.

8pm to 8am every night during Millenium stadium, allowing mem- Other teams were the George FC night’s victors. He was lucky term time that it has the volunteers bers of the public to see the trophy Carbs ‘A’, and Carbs netball, all of enough to win the Carling raffle to keep it open. The phone number and now has the chance to see the for themselves. The five IMG sport whom are sponsored by the pub. is on most students’ NUS cards, but Carbs ‘A’ captain, Chris Jones, game live on Sunday. teams who took part in the event it’s worth keeping it in your phone The event’s organizers were competed for £200 prize money, commented on the event, “Some for when you want something fast: courtesy of Carling, ‘It’s a Scream’, people say that table-football isn’t a delighted with the students involved 02920 223 993. who made the night such a success. sport. Not me. and The George’s owners.

Students compete for table-football crown

Quotes of the Week “You are more likely to find great leadership coming from a man who likes to have sex with a lot of women than one who doesn’t”

LOCALFOCUS:

Ethan Hawke:

“Japan was hot but it pisses me off when people don’t speak English”

NAME AGE OCCUPATION

Charlie of Busted:

LIVES

Phil Hawkins 36 Manager of The George On the premises

Are students a large proportion of your customers?

I would say the customers in The George are 50% students and 50% regulars and locals: it is a good mixture of both.

What do you think of students and do you ever have problems with them?

I never get any grief from students and certainly miss them over the summer as far as business is concerned.

You get the usual undesirables in this line of business but I wouldn’t

A SOAPBOX FOR THE VIEWS OF CARDIFF RESIDENTS

say it’s the students who cause the trouble.

Do you offer any deals or discounts for students?

The yellow card is a discount card that gives you money off food and drink. We also have low priced food and drinks offers on a daily basis, such as two meals for £5.50.

Is any particular night more popular with students?

We don’t put on specific student nights as this pub is all about mixing in the students and regular customers.

Thursday and Friday nights are busy and there’s always a good atmosphere.

How long have you lived in Cardiff?

I was born and raised in Cardiff but have moved all around Wales and Britain, particularly in the last 15 years, which is how long I’ve been managing bars. I started managing the George in August last year so moved back here with my family.

Interview by Olivia Warne

News

March 1 2004

Page 5

Act 1 complains to union

By Stephen Fishbourne Reporter ACT 1, the amateur dramatics society, has expressed concerns that the Students’ Union lacks an adequate procedure for recording the number of tickets sold for events.

The problem came to light when Alex Whitcombe, director of last year’s pantomime ‘The Wizard of Taff,’ attempted to claim back the money he was owed from pantomime ticket sales. Alex had used much of his own money to finance the production.

Act 1 believe there to be a discrepancy in the number of tickets the Students’ Union claimed were sold and the number the society felt had been in the audience. The Union negotiated with Alex and reimbursed him with £324.

However, Act 1 are concerned that the Students’ Union did not seem to know enough about how many tickets had been sold.

On Wednesday 3rd December the computer in the ticket office went down and as a result no records were kept as to the ticket sales for that day. Act 1 say this is unacceptable, as there was no evidence for how much money the society was owed.

Alex believes that there could be a discrepancy of up to £250 for that evening’s performance, but there is no way this can be proved.

On Saturday 6 December the box office staff failed to turn up for work. As a result the Union made provision for Come Play tickets to be sold in the Taf. No provision was made for the selling of pantomime tickets: again Act 1 is unhappy about this. Act 1 are not seeking any more money from the Union but wish to draw attention to the lack of organisation in ticket sales.

No one from the Students’ Union was available for comment.

gair rhydd directory

University Switchboard

Student gambling on increase

PHOTO: Kirsty Monaghan

grnews@cf.co.uk

WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN: An all to familiar sight for some students

By Jessica Ring Reporter RECENT MEDIA reports have highlighted an increasing trend in gambling among students.

And with the increasing worry of debt hampering students, this comes as a significant concern.

Students now have more disposable income than ever and with pubs and clubs at the centre of a student’s social life, the temptation to spend money on a quick gambling fix is considerably high.

The £3 billion industry, which includes casinos as well as fruit machines and quiz games, has boomed in Cardiff over past years.

Threatening to expand aggressively with the Government's proposed deregulation, the consumer may see a new generation of giant casinos accessible to all.

02920 874000

UNION SABBATICAL OFFICERS (02920 781…)

Finnbarr Graham President Rami Goussous Societies & Union Secretary Mike Rabjohns inance & Commercial Services Emma Bebington Communications & Community Natasha Hettihewa Equal Opportunities & Welfare Billy Lee Academic Affairs Tristan Thomas Gair Rhydd Editor Tom Brown Athletic Union President NON SABBATICAL OFFICERS Raymond Motsie Black & Ethnic Affairs Officer Joao Martins International Students Officer Lee Gregory Gay & Bisexual Mens Officer Sarah Rennie Students with Disabilities Anna Gruffudd Welsh Affairs Officer Caralyn Richards Women’s Officer Nitin Garg Postgraduate Officer Karen Sharp Xpress Radio Station Manager Alex Macpherson Gair Rhydd Deputy Editor MacphersonA3 Phillip Moody Athletic Union Vice President Bethan Skelton Athletic Union Vice President Beca Murphy IMG Chair STUDENT SERVICES Position Unfilled Student Liaison Officer Keith Cronin Transport Assisiant Huw Roberts Translator John Steele Training & Development Co-ordinator JOB SHOP Jayne Howorth Unistaff Co-ordinator ATHLETIC UNION Nick King Sports Development Co-ordinator Marian Coxshall AU Administrator Adrian Evans Rugby Development RECEPTION Glenys Willacott Reception (Morning) Karen Clissold Reception (Afternoon)

A recent survey revealed that casinos are losing many of their traditional big-spenders; high-flying Asian businessmen. An expert on gambling studies Dr Mark Griffiths, warned, "As with any industry, it's all about maximising your market. You'll begin to see companies targeting women, ethnic groups and young people.

"Those around 18 are the customers of the future. The major change in the gambling laws is the change in advertising; we might see a shift toward aggressive selling."

Third year English student, Clare, has not been sucked in, however, "I hate fruit machines: I wouldn’t even know how to play one to tell the truth. It’s all flashing lights and annoying noises to me.

Not to mention how anti-social it is".

It seems that online games and fruit machines might only be the tip

UNIVERSITY

439/478 439/478 439/478

The University Health Centre 47 Park Place 02920 874 810 GrahamF Director of Student Services GoussousR1 47 Park Place RabjohnsM 02920 874 669 BebingtonE Student Advisory Services HettihewalL1 47 Park Place 02920 874 844 LeeB5 Dyslexia Resource Centre ThomasT4 2nd Floor 45 Park place BrownT3 02920 874 528 Careers Service MotsieM Tel 02920 874 828 MartinsJ2 Students with Disabilities/Specific Needs GregoryL4 02920 874 610 RennieS Day Care Centre GruffuddA 02920 874 135 RichardsC Student Advisory Service GargN2 02920 874 844 SharpK Nightline 148 Colum Road 02920 223 993 MoodyP1 Academic Registry SkeltonB1 Tel 02920 874 404 MurphyB2 FACILITIES

424 406 432 489

GriffithsR CroninK RobertsH SteeleJ

958

HoworthJ1

437 439 538

KingN2 CoxshallM EvansA12

0 0

Reception Reception

425 427 411 433 428 423 495 438 498/501 498/501 498/501 498/501 498/501 498/501 498/501 521 434/436

Park Place Fitness and Racquets Centre 02920 876 706 Talybont Sports Centre 02920 874 675 Llanrumney Playing Fields 02920 777 377 RESOURCE CENTRES Opening hours in Semester Mon to Fri 8.45am - 9.30pm Saturday 10.00am - 5.30pm Sundays (Arts and Social Studies, Law and Trevithick only ) 12.00 noon – 5.00pm

of the gambling iceberg. Third year Business student Gary Farquaad, told gair rhydd of his frequent visits to a local casino, "If I’ve come out of a club and I’m not ready to go home, me and my mates will go onto a casino.

"They stay open till 6am, and if you’ve got a tenner left, you’d just as well spend it".

He is not alone in enjoying a late night flutter either: "loads of students go there actually, and if you’re a member you get free food as well". It seems then that casinos offer an after-club venue perfectly geared towards students.

And with student debts at an all time high, the prospect of winning £700 from a ten pound bet can make casinos seem even more attractive.

But Patrick, a spokesman for Gamblers Anonymous, says that the myth of the gambler always break-

ing even is particularly easy to sell to hard-up students.

"In our debt culture, banks are throwing money at everyone - especially students. They have no regular income so they can't afford to pay it back if they bet badly.

"Students who are looking to gamble their way out of trouble are likely to end up in further difficulty.

Help can be found online at www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk, where there are special provisions for students.

‘Fruities’ may seem insignificant, but gambling is finding new ways to seduce. Even something as simple as logging onto hotmail offers online ways to gamble, with introductory discounts to get people hooked. By paying with plastic, it can be easy to forget that you are playing with real money: the amount that could be lost is quite frightening.

gair rhydd weather courtesy of the BBC

Investigation

Page 6

March 1 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Is the NUS losing its grip?

Key unions disaffiliating from NUS their droves

TUG OF WAR: membership is a battle of wills

By Jeremy Townsend Reporter THE WEEK of protest showed two leading unions uniting - but resolved few of the unanswered questions on NUS’s internal problems.

The University of Bristol Union is deciding whether or not to remain tied to NUS, as reported in last week’s gair rhydd. This pattern of disaffiliation is proving a growing trend.

Why have Student Unions at some of the UK’s top universities – Imperial, Edinburgh, Glasgow, St Andrew’s, Southampton and UMIST – chosen to disaffiliate from NUS? Is there a real problem with our national union, or are these unions likely to damage the student voice more by leaving?

The on-going question of fees

Cardiff paid £47,600 for NUS membership this year proves that issues affecting university students at a national level are very much at the forefront. But with the Higher Education Bill passing the first hurdle last month by just five votes, the question is what role did NUS play in the Bill’s opposition?

NUS critics claim that the government paid no attention to the national union, and that the real strength of the opposition came from the middle class masses, whose votes the government desperately relies on.

Imperial College Union likewise felt that NUS’s campaign against topup fees was not getting through to the government. Imperial think that other student bodies – CHESS that represents non-NUS Scottish students, and the Aldwych Group which represents students from the Russell Group universities – are capable of creating better opposition.

Can Okar, president of the University of Bristol Union, and the

man leading the campaign for Bristol’s disaffiliation, concedes that the Bill being passed had nothing to do with NUS failure. Okar’s concern is that NUS is focusing too much attention on the matter of top-up fees, when other issues such as the Housing Bill are going through “almost unnoticed – and this is an issue that really affects students.”

Southampton’s president Ben Hudson thinks this is a pointless fight, regardless of how much time it uses up. He sees no reason for NUS to continue fighting for ‘Grants not Fees’ when this has “no chance of working. We are already past the first reading of the Bill to introduce topup fees, and NUS wants to reverse this entirely and bring back grants.”

Aside from national representation, one of the factors influencing disaffiliation is the cost of NUS membership. The membership fee varies from place to place depending on the number of union members.

Imperial used to pay around £35,000; Southampton, £68,000; and Bristol currently pays around £45,000 per year. At the time of disaffiliation, both Southampton and Imperial did not feel that the benefits of NUS membership justified the fee.

Southampton’s then-president, Tim Rowlandson, said “the feeling was that the money would be much better spent on clubs, societies, Athletic Union, advice, information, publications and student community action.”

Imperial’s disaffiliation campaign was much more vehement, “NUS would take £35,000 away from Imperial students and spend it on ineffective and irrelevant campaigns.”

As enormous as these figures sound, it only works out at around £3 per student. At Cardiff we paid £47,600 to NUS this year, covering approximately 16,000 students. A lot of money? Yes. But then the union’s turnover was over £6.3 million, so our ability to afford it is not the issue.

The problem with the cost for most unions is to do with value for money. So much of the membership fees go on the National Conference – “the biggest piss-up since Freshers’

Week” as one union put it – and central administration costs. It is often difficult to see exactly how the cash funds national campaigns.

Despite the obvious difficulty in understanding campaigns in terms of money, this is precisely what most unions considering disaffiliation try to do. Bristol points out that they currently spend twice as much on NUS as they do on societies, and they are obviously aware of the potential benefits of ploughing all that money into the societies budget.

But the problem comes with trying to balance the cost of national representation with the cost of other union services: they are simply not comparable.

The situation was similar at Southampton. Their president at the time Tim Rowlandson carefully identified all the other things the union would do with the NUS fee, but he could not avoid leaving ‘national representation’ off the list. The truth

is that at present we have no suitable alternative to NUS – which represents 5.2 million FE and HE students – for our national voice.

The other student bodies, the Aldwych Group and the Coalition of Higher Education Students in Scotland (CHESS) make no attempt

3-5 FANNY STREET between Woodville Road and Cathays Terrace on Catherine Street

to be united representative bodies.

CHESS only represents about half of the Scottish university unions (those not affiliated with NUS) but is willing to accept more Scottish members. The Aldwych Group, on the other hand, has a particular agenda: their mission is to oppose the elitist intentions of the Russell Group – to avoid the creation of a British Ivy League – and is not there to provide a national voice at all.

To accept these alternatives, leaves huge numbers of students without representation on the national stage – particularly students from the ‘new’ universities and former polytechnics, but also students from established institutions such as Durham, York and Reading. The Aldwych Group’s recent opposition to variable fees has managed to reflect the interests of students at all universities, but this will not always be the case: issues such as the Housing Bill, which affects all students, is beyond the scope of the Aldwych Group.

Abandoning NUS at present, without the safety net of another national body is playing into the government’s hands says NUS president Mandy Telford. But nevertheless she adds that she is “not scared of referendums” and would gladly see more unions debate the issue of affiliation “in the most democratic way.”

In the last eighteen months alone, Aston, Bradford, Leicester, Newcastle, Sussex and UCL have each held a referendum on the issue – ‘in the most democratic way’ – and in

NUS membership entitles you to discounts in many national stores.

NUS membership brings with it membership of NUS Services Ltd. This acts as a sort of buying consortium, and each member union is entitled to its privileges.

Because NUSSL buy in bulk, each union can buy and sell at a much cheaper price. This is why union drinks prices are cheaper than City Centre bar prices.

The training of our union Officers is also provided by NUS, and they employ a large number of full-time staff to supply this service. Non-NUS unions tend to struggle to provide the training as efficiently.

each case the students have voted to stay affiliated. The intention to abandon NUS is far from universal.

In addition to this, Imperial College still receives NUS benefits through the University of London Union of which its students are also a part; and UMIST students look set to rejoin NUS, as the institute is merging with the University of Manchester who are NUS-affiliated.

HOUSES TO RENT TAI I’W RHENTU from the 1st of July

Members of Association of Letting and Management Agents

6 Bed on Llantwit Street for £230pcm ID 303403 MORE PROPERTIES 3 Bed on Richard Street 3 Bed on Cathays Terrace 4 Bed on Coburn Street 4 Bed on Treorky Street 5 Bed on Minnie Street 6 Bed on Woodville Road 6 Bed on Flora Street 7 Bed on Cogan Terrace 8 Bed on Harriet Street

What does NUS offer?

£235pcm £215pcm £220pcm £230pcm £230pcm £235pcm £235pcm £230pcm £235pcm

6 Bed on Flora Street for £235pcm ID 303467

ID 300549 ID 300533 ID 300472 ID 300465 ID 300606 ID 303421 ID 303467 ID 303400 ID 303492

Welsh Investor of the Year 2002

INSTRUCTIONS

! ! ! ! ! !

view our housing lists online or come in for a printed list choose up to 3 houses per appointment book an appointment online or by phone receive a booking confirmation text (online only) come to our office for the viewing

pcm - per calendar month per person

5% discount with this advert

www.pinnacle-group.com

BRING AN ORIGINAL COPY OF THIS ADVERT AND RECEIVE AN INDIVIDUAL DISCOUNT REF. GR001

(029) 20 640200

March 1 2004

Election Special

Page 7

grnews@cf.ac.uk

X

UNION ELECTIONS 2004

Designed and Edited by Paul Dicken

Do the Union Elections How to go mean anything to you? about voting canIf you decide that the ion realsit po ch didates up for ea to be in ly aren’t good enough there is the n, io charge of your un ON’ wins, the ‘RON’ option. If ‘R ed. the election is re-open IN THE next week or so union elections will unavoidable in your halls, lectures and uni coffee shops.

In last week’s gair rhydd, the ‘Editorial and Opinion’ section ran a column suggesting that come March 8 certain electoral outcomes could mean catastrophic consequences for the union.

The paid sabbatical officers and volunteer non-sabbatical officers have the responsibility to make fundamental changes to every part of the union.

This year the role of a sabbatical officer for union finances has been dissolved into a shared responsibility for a permanant member of union staff and the union president. Positions cover almost every area of student life.

The current union secretary - Mr Rami Goussous - had a few words for voters and nonvoters: ‘Every year someone says something about the exec. ‘Why does this happen like this?

Why, why, why...?’ Well, people have the chance to get the person they believe to be right for the job. People can decide who will run the union for them! People, place your votes now!’

BALLOT BOXES will be littering the campus between March 8-9. Voting works by a system called a ‘Single Transferable Vote’, which means you rank the people you most like 1, then 2 and then 3 for your least favourite.

This system is seen as extremely democratic as there are no wasted votes and your second place candiate can get your ‘secondary preference’ vote.

Campaigning will begin along with the manifestos that are out this

week. This basically means speeches will infiltrate all lectues and posters will be just about everywhere in attempts to get people not to vote for ‘RON’. To vote you can go along to any of the locations below - you only need to bring along your NUS card.

This year postal voting is in operation for those who are unable to exercise their right to vote in person.

To do this you need to contact Christine Evans or Clare Williams by 3:00pm March 4, on the contact details below.

123 to voting STEP 1 STEP 2 STEP 3

Know your voting system Union Voting works on system where you rank your preferred candidates in a 1, 2, 3 order.

Find out when and where you cn voteby checking out the election posters and the list above.

Bring along your NUS and get your preferred candidates down in he order you want, or vote for ‘RON’ f i the candidates fail to meet expectations.

No nominations were received for: Welsh Affairs Officer LGB Officer Vice President for Wales College of Medicine, Biology, Life and Health Sciences Students with Disabilities Officer Womens Officer Mature Students Officer

Election Special

Page 8

March 1 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

X SABBATICAL What do you think about student apathy and unwillingness to get involved in the union and how it is run?

Christos A Tsakiris

Phillip Moody

You have to remember that Sabbatical Officers are no longer students and might not always be aware of the most current issues concerning the student population. Students must be encouraged to get involved by providing them with more information about the state of our union. One of the best mediums to achieve this is through gair rhydd and the recent decision of the current sabbatical team to make it a fortnightly publication can only aggravate the ‘apathy’ they so strongly condemn. (For the benefit of our readers, let it be noted that GR is a weekly publication. There are no plans to change this - Ed.)

Student apathy is always going to be a problem the executive team faces. Often though it can be argued that students are not apathetic, but misinformed, and this is a much easier problem to address. However, better marketing may not increase involvement, but at least it will give the opportunity to gain a greater understanding of what we do.

n o i Un t n e d i s e Pr Mike Rabjohns

Gary Rees

When a matter really concerns students, they are not apathetic. That is clear from recent issues such as renaming of 'Fun Factory' through to the retention of separate sports clubs from CU and UWCM. It is important to convey to students exactly what power they have within the union.

Student Council is the forum for airing views such as these and governing the executive team.

Attendance this year has been poor, and it's important that this is addressed - by emphasising how important this body is.

I think it is unfortunate that some students do not participate in the decision making process regarding the union. I do, however, believe that it may be the responsibility of the union to appeal to the student population and to perhaps actively seek out student participation and views.

Finnbarr Graham

Nathan Portlock

The student demographic is all too often associated with the word apathy and this is not necessarily something I agree with. It is difficult for me to argue for student apathy: a lack of interest or general concern when I marched with thousands of other like minded students in London against topup fees, I don’t believe we can sweep such a general statement across the student population. Our job is to challenge inaccuracies and to also spearhead change and further involvement.

Apathy is extremely counterproductive for students and our union. But this is not the fault of students themselves. Why should we want to take part in something we firstly do not understand, and secondly feel detached from? As President I intend to change this and create a powerful, integrated student community with the union at its centre.

Sophie Ingram Carter

I feel all students go to university for different reasons and while there, become involved at different levels; be it going to Lash every Friday, joining a society or sports team or running for president! I suspect student apathy comes from the satisfaction that there are few problems within the union.

Those people who become more involved, do so, because they feel they want to make a greater contribution. It is everyone's choice whether or not they vote, but I urge everyone to use their vote on March 8 and 9.

What is generally good about your character, and what experience do you have ?

y r a t e r c e S n o Uni Bethan Skelton

James Green

My flexibility towards any task, personal drive, enthusiasm and ability to communicate with ease are qualities I would bring to the job of union secretary. These strengths, I believe, lend themselves to working in the Students’ Union and in dealing with both the public and student body. I am a competent team player, demonstrated through years of playing hockey and other team sports, and I believe that I would fit well into the sabbatical unit.

This year I am an Athletic Union vice-president, a non-sabbatical officer, and as such I have been on the union executive since September so have a thorough knowledge of how the union can be successfully run.

I've been an active member of the union as well as a pivotal member of the University Football Club for three years. I'm a very dedicated and hard working person who always gets the job done may it be individually or within a team. If students were to vote Green for Union Secretary they'd be assured that they'd get a strong yet open minded individual who'd strive to improve the commercial areas of the union to make it not only the undisputed number one students’ union domestically but also internationally.

Will you be making any sweeping changes if gair rhydd comes under your control?

Anthony Lloyd

Ben Wright

Gary Andrews

I don't see it neccesary to make sweeping changes to the paper, but I do think that there are certain areas in which it could be tweaked.

For example, I think that while the design and layer of the paper is ace, I do think that there could be an improvement on content though.

From looking at other student newspapers such as the OxStu, gair rhydd could do with a bit more politics. We also need more interviews, whether that be politicians, sports stars or bands. The setting up of a website is also important and is something gair rhydd really could do with as there is only so much that you can put in a paper for cost reasons.

Yes and no. I don't see the point in changing the paper for change's sake, but that doesn't mean I think the paper should stay as it is. I've got an awful lot of ideas and changes I'd like to make which can be best described as tightening the nuts and bolts. I'd like to take a look at Quench especially as this has only be going for a year so there's a lot of room for improvement. You'll notice the difference but it will be subtle changes rather than spraying the front page bright purple. Evolution, not revolution, is the word here.

r e c i f f O a Medi

No, I won’t be. This is because I don’t think that are any major changes to be made. The format was radically changed at the beginning of the year and I think these need to be built on naturally; another sweeping change could do more harm than good.I am very dedicated and enthusiastic about the paper as I have worked there for three years, and this will carry on if people vote for me. I have edited sections in both gair rhydd and Quench.

Election Special

March 1 2004

Page 9

OFFICERS Cam

Beca Murphy

Your job would be the maintenance and development of the union’s public relations. What do you think that means?

Maintaining PR would be to keep the community newsletter going, so that the surrounding residents are aware of what is going on with us; taking note of any suggestions or views thay have about the union; the same with our students to make sure that they are aware of up and coming campaigns.

Sarah Rhodes

Your job would be the maintenance and development of the union’s public relations. What do you think that means?

Effectively presenting and communicating all aspects of the union, in the university, the local and national media, and in the local community. Within the local community, I intend to strengthen relations between the student and non-student communities.

paig n and s PR

Jeremy Townsend Your job would be the maintenance and development of the union’s public relations. What do you think that means?

Our union is commonly regarded as one of the best in the country and this is the image that needs to be maintained and developed locally, nationally and throughout other universities.

I think our student media is one of the most effective ways of delivering information and publicity to students.

Tasha Nishiyama

What ideas do you have on how to improve the facilities and equipment that AU clubs currently have? One thing that I would concentrate on if elected is working with sport and rec to try and improve the gym facilities. I would also investigate the feasibility of clubs sharing resources. I believe that there is more to life at uni than just simply studying.

Participation in sports can offer a whole new side to student life for many people, whether it is just playing for fun or the social aspects of a team to competing at the highest levels. What is important is that students are given adequate opportunity to participate in such activities.

Thomas Gough

Your job would be the maintenance and development of the union’s public relations. What do you think that means?

The role of Campaigns and Public Relations Officer is twofold but neither part is mutually exclusive. On the one hand, there is the job of eliciting the views of Cardiff students and representing them and campaigning for them on a number of levels. The other part of the role is the importance of seeking strong relations with people ouside the university arena.

What ideas do you have on how to improve the facilities and equipment that AU clubs currently have? Improving sports facilities and equipment is going to be essential given the merger and the confirmation that Medic sports clubs will maintain their separate identity next year. I believe that central to improving sports facilities and equipment for all clubs, given the tight budget allocated to university sport, is the securing of effective sponsorship packages. This requires an increase in local and national media interest in university sport. I will fight for this extra provision for sport and facilities.

Mark Dunn

s e i t e i e c t So dua a d r n g a t s L o a Ben Kidd n P o i t a n r e INt How do you think international students are represented within the university and more broadly?

This is a tricky question as international students don't want to be spotlighted and treated in a derogatory manner. They want to immerse themselves in the university experience and enjoy the time they are here. However they do need to be heard. They come from varying backgrounds and cultures and these have to be recognised. At the moment I feel as an international student myself that the main problem here is that the student body is ignorant to the problems these students face and there is a lack of support for them.

How do you think international students are represented within the university and more broadly?

I don’t think the collective voice of international students gets heard enough and I think that listening to their personal opinions and suggestions on a regular basis would benefit the union as a whole. I think that it would also give greater insight into how the university and the city of Cardiff can improve its international image, making the time that they spend in Cardiff more enjoyable.

Tim Marshall

What ideas do you have on how to improve the facilities and equipment that AU clubs currently have? The facilities we have at Cardiff aren't bad, but it's frustrating for clubs when they can't use our indoor facilities when exams are on. The exam period can be an important time in terms of preparation for the BUSA matches after Christmas. I think it's excellent that at Cardiff we have such a ride range of different sports clubs, there's not many sports you couldn't try here if you wanted to.

AU PRE SIDE James Cole

Beri Abbas

Simon Green

What ideas do you have on how to improve the facilities and equipment that AU clubs currently have? Our facilities and equipment are light years away from the ones being used in institutions such as Bath, Loughborough and even UWIC. If we want to compete at the highest level we need to have far better facilities. Sponsorship has to be the way forward, and there is immense scope for more of it. Large firms could easily pave the way financially for improvement in facilities and equipment, but we need to start the ball rolling, show we're committed to sport to encourage them to help out.

NT

What ideas do you have on how to improve the facilities and equipment that AU clubs currently have? I would like to ensure that all clubs have enough funding to provide the highest quality equipment, raising the standard in that sport. Meeting with club representatives on a semester basis to discuss any issues concerning the running of that club is essential. The introduction of the cardiffstudents.com website has improved communication of the sports available to students. I see this as a great way in the future to inform students of what’s on offer and intend to develop it next year. I also plan to improve exposure for the smaller clubs.

Jenny Longbottom

Peter Goodman

How do you think you will represent and be able to help students under your college title in welfare and university issues?

During my time at uni, I have represented students on the Teaching and Learning Committee, Senate and Court. I have represented welfare concerns at the Personal Tutor Working Party. I have also worked part-time for the University’s External Relations Division. Through these roles I’ve learnt how the university works, met many of the staff, and understand the importance of listening to student concerns, understanding them and resolving them as quickly as possible. I hope that also, by "taking the union on tour", the union will become everyone’s first stop for representation and advice.

e g e t l l n o e C id ies s t e Chris Hopper i r P an m u H

How do you think you will represent and be able to help students under your college title in welfare and university issues?

As I have stated in my manifesto I will operate an open door policy and will encourage anyone with problems relating to both their college life and life at the university, to talk to me and I will do everything within my power to rectify the situation. I consider myself a strong person and will not easily back away from issues pertaining to student welfare.

Tajinder Singrhao

t n e d i s e r p College medicIne

What is generally good about your character, and what experience do you have that might make people want to vote for you?

I am approachable, an experienced communicator and I’m used to working within a team. I have supported young people on a one-to-one basis, as well as leading group training and feedback sessions. I held the position of company director for a year, which has given me experience in the business side of the job.

How do you think you will represent and be able to help students under your college title in welfare and university issues? Listening to student feedback and responding to issues raised will be vital over the next year. I want to be as accessible and pro-active as possible. I will operate an open door policy, enabling issues to be raised in person, as well as being available via internet and phone for students away on placement.

What is generally good about your character, and what experience do you have that might make people want to vote for you?

I am a friendly, enthusiastic and approachable individual, and as a non-sabb member of the Exec at UWCM as medical society president I am also up to date with all preparations of the union for merger.

How do you think you will represent and be able to help students under your college title in welfare and university issues?

I will ensure through effective communication that the students in the college of medicine, biology life and health sciences are both aware of and have the provison of all the support, representation and advice on issues affecting students that they may need.

Election Special

Page 10

March 1 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

X

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS R E G A N A M O I D A R S S E R P X Postgradu ate Suppo rt Dimitrios Smpanias Tom Wellingham

What is generally good about your character, and what experience do you have that might make people want to vote for you?

I'd say I’m easy to get along with, which is very important when you have to work alongside such a large and diverse team. I also have a great sense of humour which helps me laugh when things start to go wrong! I'm also very dedicated and not afraid to put in the work necessary to make things successful-

What is generally good about your character, and what experience do you have that might make people want to vote for you?

I have obtained very useful experiences by being an undergraduate student representative, postgraduate student in another university, working voluntarily in the Kent Law Clinic (a legal advisory body run by the University of Kent for citizens who cannot afford to

ly. I’m currently head of specialist programming at Xpress, and was involved with them in my first year at Cardiff as well, so I have plenty of hands on experience and know what it takes to keep the station running!

Do you think it is easy for students to get involved in Xpress radio?

It’s very easy to get involved with Xpress, there are many departments, so you don’t have to jump straight behind the microphone! All you have to do is come up to the studios on the top floor of the union building and have a chat with the other members,

pay for legal advice). The above activities have strengthened my communication, advice and negotiation skills.

What do you think about postgraduate study and the opportunities it might allow?

Nowadays, postgraduate study is a necessity. A postgraduate degree is a very valuable qualification as it improves your research skills, makes you more desirable job applicant and it can lead you in the world of academia. I believe that higher education is a social good, not a market. Every graduate should have the

see…easy!

Do you think it is entirely wise to get involved in Xpress radio?

Well there’s no denying that you’re probably better off being a little bit mad if you’re thinking of joining Xpress as sometimes the pressure can definitely begin to wear you down, but overall the whole experience is very rewarding, plus you’ll make loads of new friends and have a great laugh! I would encourage anyone to get involved with Xpress, after all, what’s the worst that could happen?

opportunity to obtain postgraduate qualifications at an affordable cost. I will campaign hard for more scholarships and tuition fees discount for any Cardiff graduate that decides to continue his or her studies at Cardiff.

Charlotte Cloke

t n e d i s e r P e c i AU V Fraser Watson

What is generally good about your character, and what experience do you have that might make people want to vote for you?

I'm strong minded and determined but at the same time friendly, What is generally good about your character, and what experience easily accessible and prepared to listen to others. I have experido you have that might make people want to vote for you? ence in organising sporting matches and tours and a former public I am an enthusiastic member of my team, and assist in all areas of speaker and deputy head boy, whilst on the sports field I have repthe team. I am always willing to give my opinion about an issue, and resented Llanelli in the Welsh Premiership at both under 21 and want to represent all students in this position. I believe that I can senior level, Cardiff Uni RFC and have received county honours in bring the experience that I have gained through my club into the football, cricket, cross country and athletics. whole Athletic Union, making it more successful in all aspects.

College Vi ce HuMani ties and s ciences What is generally good about your character, and what experience do you have that might make people want to vote for you?

There are certain qualities that I can bring to the job, for example my communicative skills and ability to teamwork. I am a student representative for department on two committees and S-S Panel, and see the non-sabb position as an extension of this

Gemma Long

role. As a general busybody it would please me enormously to act on the behalf of more students than I already.

How do you hope to assist the president of the Humanities and Sciences College and the students under that title?

Being a student myself, I hope to aid the president by communicating with students perhaps more closely than he would be able to. I wish to raise academic and welfare issues, and make sure that they get the attention they deserve from the presi-

dent. It is also my intention to assist the president in his work with the Student Advice Centre.

r e c i f f o y t i l a u q E d n a e Rac Prashant Nagpal

What is generally good about your character, and what experience do you have that might make people want to vote for you?

I am a very pleasant, outgoing and people can always count on me. I am an Asian and I know what people think of people of other races. I will do my best to keep all you people happy. I will organise events for all different cultures. I am quite popular in the university so I can get you people in contact with other people and we can all be friends and enjoy our time in university.

What are your current thoughts about race issues and equality in Cardiff?

All people in Cardiff are treated equally. the whites don't say very much about other races. If anything happens I will sort if out immediately. I would say that there is racial equality amongst all people. I haven’t faced many problems and hope no one else has and it should stay that way.

DEPUTY ED ITOR

What is generally good about your character, and what experience do you have that might make people want to vote for you?

I have been on the paper for about a year now, I've been writing for magazines such as Buzz, and other online projects for the last two years. This has given me extensive knowledge of what makes good writing that is, writing for a specific audience. I took a few years out before uni, during which time, I worked as a

James Anthony João Martins

nightclub promoter - it's virtually impossible to do this without people skills and good organisational practices. I can apply this knowledge to the paper. I produced all my own promotional material for the club as well, and I'm looking forward to applying my design skills to Quench in particular.

What are your methods for making sure all of the newspaper editors work together and on time?

The current methods have worked quite well, we're lucky in that the team we have this year is excellent. I think the approach next year will have to be strong on recruitment, and the direction will have to be assessed

on the basis of the dynamics of the team in the coming academic year – that sounds like "management speak" but I really believe that my approach will have to be tailored to work with the personalities and strengths that arise next year. what they are remains to be seen.

Who is your favourite candidate for editor?

I couldn't possibly answer this question. Both candidates would do an admirable job. I have an inkling who will win, but it's really not my place to say. I would be happy to assist either candidate to make gair rhydd and Quench the best they can be next year.

What is generally good about your character, and what experience do you have that might make people want to vote for you?

I believe I am an active, open minded person. In recent years through my work in People and Planet and in the Students’ Union I have learnt important communication skills. The effectiveness of our efforts in the pursue of our goals can be always improved. And I feel ready to take on this challenge.

What do you feel are the areas where the union can be most improved in your area?

This is the first time that Ethics and Environment will have something more than a committee that meets few times a year. I hope that translates into results.

Goals? To be part of Fairtrade, Green, and to be a political students’ union which amplifies the students’ voices to the university and beyond.

er c i f f O l a t n e m n o r i v n E d n a l a c i h Et

Interview

March 1 2004

Page 11

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

THE PUB RULES

By Rob Plastow Interviews Ed.

ble with women. Enough to stir concern at first glance, but this is where people get it wrong. Many confuse the source of the comedy, some mistakenly laugh with the landlord instead of at him and therefore miss the satire. It is from these misinterpretations that some have postulated that the act is discriminative.

It was while Al was boarding a train at Waterloo to do a show in Brussels that he reassured me, "There’s a perception of the English and how they behave, and in a way that’s why the landlord has divided opinion. Because I think it’s a portrayal of how the English can be at their worst. That’s why some people really don’t like the implications of it, such as the bad language and the jokes about the French."

If anything the character has the reverse effect of discrimination. It takes a satirical look at the worst of

PUBLICANS ARE a long established British institution. Nobody knows better than a Brit about emptying ashtrays, filling glasses with lager for the gentlemen and white wine or fruit-based drinks for the ladies.

Our cousins on the continent have paid no attention to our fine drinking culture. Instead they remain open all night serving cold beer through until the early morning, alongside shots poured without the restrictions of any measuring device and people all looking like they are having an excellent evening without a single fight. How could they have got it so wrong?

To begin, you need a pub adorned with plenty of wood, with no garish lighting and festooned with brass memorabilia: RAC badges, riding tackle, saws and a plethora of peculiar parts produced in the industrial revolution.

That’s a pub. That’s where you find proper British landlords, polishing their chipped glasses and replacing beer mats on tables, refilling the brick on the bar with non-safety matches - it’s not a fire hazard - and telling the old locals at the end of the bar what the real problem is with the French.

This drinking ideology is fading out amid bars with managers on behalf of a b r e w e r y, with their o p e n minded stance on alco-pops and overpriced cuisine expertly crafted by an acneridden Neanderthal who can operate up to three microwaves at a time. And he’ll have a badge to prove it.

In homage to the old ways there still remain a few brave souls whose knees shall never bow to political correctness, their fridge never stock WKD blue, and their old folk never drink from a glass without the reassurance of a handle. It is these few that Al Murray personifies in his creation, The Pub Landlord.

Known simply as ‘Guv’, Al’s character is xenophobic, Al Murray homophobic, sexist and terri-

British culture, including our drinking, and the idiocy of old imperialist hatred toward anything that isn’t British.

As he explains, "getting them in on a Friday night before closing.

That whole ‘bingey’ thing.

I’ve been a b r o a d enough to notice that noone else behaves like that."

Al is well travelled, not only through his act, which has covered Europe and

Australasia, but also through family connections. His wife is from Melbourne so he spends time there each year, no doubt observing more Aussie idiosyncrasies to obliterate in his act that is as welcomed there as it is here. As he says of Australia "It’s all the Queensland!" Al is a brave performer who will let his character insult anyone at any

time. There is no cowardly retreat or duality in the attacks of the landlord. It is not done behind people’s backs but rather to their faces, which demonstrates that there is no real malice here.

The whole show revolves around audience participation, as Murray weaves.

He implements this by preparing answers for what might come up, allowing him to react with astonishing speed. But what makes it all possible is the creation of a diverse back-story that gives the landlord such depth and makes him such a well structured character.

"I think Frank Skinner is the greatest stand up alive."

The landlord was created largely by chance. Harry Hill needed a compere for his Edinburgh festival offering, ‘Pub Internationale’. "The night we opened I said, ‘well how about I’ll be a pub landlord’ and that was that. From there we went completely by accident."

The emotional content of the landlord came while Al was on a train journey and had to endure the pain of forced conversation with one of society’s romantically unfortunate. After all possible topics were covered the man began talking rather awkwardly of how he lost his marriage and child. "Those big human emotions tend to express themselves in clichés, and because the clichés are true you can’t argue with

them". It is the fleeting emotion of the landlord that gives insight and sympathy and also some marvellously dark flourishes.

Such character development wins awards. Al has been nominated for the Perrier Award more times than anyone else and he finally took it in 1999.

Working with one of his greatest influences and friends, Al Murray began his career in comedy alongside Harry Hill.

You may also know Al as Alan Hill from Harry’s TV show. It was work in radio that started it all though; Radio Four’s ‘Weekending’ introduced him to Harry with whom he appeared on ‘Harry Hill’s Fruit Corner’, which gave him the platform to progress. Al went into comedy after leaving Oxford University where he studied Modern History "up to 1964, where history ends. Apparently. There must be a panel who decide when it does." History plays more than one role in his life as his grandfather Sir Alf Murray, a diplomat and possibly a spy, headed the Information Research Department which was alleged to have been set up to discredit Russia. Five generations up the Murray family tree and you can find William Makepeace Thackeray. Given his educational background it is understandable that Al might be quite good at presenting documentaries as an alternative to comedy.

Or given the quality of his German impressions it would be easy to see him doing a cameo in a war film; "If only!

Then a lifetimes ambition will be fulfilled!"

But change is not always good. When Al’s act was put on TV for ‘Time Gentlemen Please’ it meant adding additional characters, something Al was not prepared to do for the live show. "You

can’t get your teeth into a character if you do four characters for twenty minutes each. It can break the spell. You can’t be as involved in them. But if you’re the League of Gentlemen then that’s different. On your own, if you can pull off doing a character for two hours, it’s much more interesting and complex."

The idea of one character, in one scene and on one stage for two hours may sound daunting for both performer and audience as it is not the sort of thing people have come to expect from standup comedy. As Al was enthusiastic to retort: "The weakness of stand up is that people assume too little of it. People have this perception of it from television that it should only be five minutes at the most. I think you can make it a theatrical thing, like a monologue, and that can be really interesting."

Amidst Al’s figure-heads of comedy, such as Tony Hancock, he enthusedstrongly about the comic prowess of Frank Skinner, "I think Frank Skinner is the greatest stand up alive." Much like the landlord, Murray’s influences are very English. That same English humour is now being exported across the world through ‘The Pub Landlord’ and audiences are lapping it up. "I’m off to do a show in Brussels and I’ve done Paris a lot, with a regular spot near La Bastille." When I suggested that he might follow in Eddie Izzard’s footsteps and do a show in French he quickly replied, "No, no. God no! The landlord would never make any such concessions!" And he need not. As deplorable as his traits are ‘The Pub Landlord’ is loved everywhere, even by the French.

You can see Al Murray at the Sherman Theatre, Saturday March 6th.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 12

March 1 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

By Tristan Thomas . gair rhydd Editor

W

hatever the merits or otherwise of last week’s strike action, it did serve to flag up one major injustice – how few hours of teaching humanity students actually receive.

Can anyone deny the absurdity of striking when you never had a lecture to go to anyway? For one of our editors, with a bare timetable on Monday and Wednesday, the harshness of top-up fees must have felt particularly excruciating. With an average of six hours lecturing every week, where does all the money go?

Clearly much of the revenue is absorbed by other departments, subjects that need to

rhydd EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

purchase equipment or offer long hours of practical lecturing. It begs the question, with the forthcoming merger with the Medical college, will humanities perform the role of cash-cow to fund costly teaching at the Heath site?

Although many humanity students join in the joking when mocked by peers with 20 hours plus a week, for many there is a feeling that the ever-inflating cost of higher education is likely to leave them most out of pocket and out of opportunities post graduation.

Of course, the excuse given by the university is that students studying certain disciplines benefit from working on their own. Yet this is the sort of one-size-fits-all answer that will grate with many. One of the few plus points of variable fees may be that the cost of a course is finally linked to it’s worth after university. And that can only be a good thing.

Teacher troubles

By George Abugri

I

know a couple of fair-minded blokes who would, with righteous, indignation start a third world war if a tight -fisted employer tried handing them a handful of lousy grade-three peanuts for hard-earned wages.

Luckily, university lecturers, by virtue of a vocation which is not too unlike the priesthood, are real ladies and gentlemen according to the dictionar y meaning of both words. Having been a teacher for a whole decade myself, I know for a fact that teaching is an exacting profession if ever there was one.

It must be more so with university teaching. The cells of the lumpy mass of grey encased in the skull must be kept well and truly exercised all the time through

Evil Internet O T

he Internet is an invaluable tool for university students and people the world over.

By providing information and the means to stay in touch with family and friends through e-mail it has also revolutionised the media and made the world seem a far smaller place. But progress is often accompanied by harm and the Internet is no exception. Websites containing subjects that are degrading to women, such as rape, necrophilia and asphyxiation are allowed to circulate perfectly legally.

These websites have been blamed for causing the recent murder of teacher Jane Longhurst at the hands of Graham Coutts, a regular visitor to such explicit sites. Longhurst’s family has called for an international clampdown on them.

Her boyfriend, Malcolm Sentance, said that “Jane would still have been here but for the Internet.”

While a ban on these sites, seen by many as forums for perverse individuals with a penchant for abusing women, would surely be welcomed by anyone with a scrap of decency, can we really blame them for Jane's death? It seems all too easy to make excuses for a monster like Coutts in this way. In our disgust at the killer's mind, perhaps we attach the blame to something else to reassure ourselves that nobody is naturally that immoral.

The websites may have fed Coutts’s vile imagination, even encouraging his actions to some extent, but we cannot entirely blame them. At least ten years before Jane's murder, Coutts told an exgirlfriend that he feared he would one day “strangle and kill a woman.” He realised his unnatural obsessions with

strangulation and necrophilia could have horrific consequences. Clearly this was a compulsion that was always with Coutts.

The argument that the internet causes such shocking crimes detracts the blame from killers. Similar attempts to blame the media for atrocities have been frequent over the years. The childkillers of James Bulger were said to have bludgeoned the toddler to death on a railway line after watching the film Child's Play. Such assertions underestimate the complexities of the killer's mind. If gross images really compelled people to commit murder, then we would all resort to killing one another. Those who are encouraged by the media are unstable individuals to begin with. We cannot blame it for planting the seed of corruption in sick minds. It is already there.

Ultimately, we should stop making excuses for these barbaric murderers and accept them for what they are. Pure evil.

k, here’s your starter for ten. What was the reason that university lecturers walked out on strike last week? If your answer was because of top-up fees then you’re not really correct. The Association of University Teachers, the AUT, does have misgivings about top-up fees. It even says so on the leaflets they were handing out. But that’s not the main reason they went on strike. It was down to that old chestnut, the pay dispute.

Of course where there’s anything affecting students your can bet that the NUS will be hovering somewhere around, so it was no surprise that NUS President Mandy Telford chose Monday to pay a rare visit to the Welsh capital.

At this stage let me make myself clear. I’m not against the AUT striking. In fact I’m all for it. I chose not to cross the picket line last week because I genuinely feel lecturers have a case for striking.

Academic pay is estimated to have

Rob Sharples’s

R

ENEE ZELLWEGER should be buried in a shallow grave with a wooden stake through her heart. I have spent hours researching this and it truly is the only way of keeping her where she belongs: underground. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen a good film ruined by her whining. Bridget Jones could have been OK (and yes, this is a boy admitting he enjoyed it - almost), except for constant media coverage about

Seeing your former students make such progress in life is one of the very few joys of teaching, but that kind of joy does not put bakedbeans, bacon and eggs on the breakfast table. It is only appropriate that university teachers are paid salaries commensurate with the sacrifices they make in a career that requires selfless devotion.

University lecturers' academiclevel counterparts in the corporate world are highly remunerated and have accompanying perks to spice up their social lives. If university lecturers continue to feel the way they do now, it is only reasonable to assume that, as a matter of logical consequence, the quality of teaching will decline.

In the long term, the quality of national human-resource would be the worse for it. It is not as if we do not already have a few mediocre graduates on the job market.

fallen by 40% in comparison with the rest of the workforce. Lecturers have been offered a less than generous three per cent rise this year with a similar amount the next. Meanwhile the vice-chancellor of this university gave himself a six per cent rise this year alone. Given the job they do, I’ve got a lot of time for the lecturers position.

It also makes sense that the NUS should be supporting the strike. After all, they’ve got no interest in students being taught by unmotivated lecturers. If everything I’ve just outlined were advertised in plain terms, I’m sure there would be much more support for the striking staff.

But with a depressing predictability top-up fees came into the equation. Yes, we all know how important they are. We all know the government have broken their promise and are wrecking the future of universities. We all know the NUS’ stance by now. It’s been drummed into our head often enough.

Even though the AUT and NUS joined forces for the strikes, throwing the top-up fee protest into the mix

doesn’t help things. It just serves to confuse the main issue. I’ve just reread the leaflet and I’m confused again. To the casual student it really does look like top-up fees are the main issue.

I’m not a supporter of the government on top-up fees, but given the NUS’ stance on funding I wonder how they intend the academics to get the pay rise they deserve?

The NUS is a large and vocal organisation that is necessary to enable students to fight their corner.

Admittedly a lot of the vocal activity is a load of meaningless hot air, but students would be a lot worse off without a body to represent them.

Last week was the lecturer’s week.

They had plenty of valid points to make and a reason for forming picket lines. The NUS was definitely right to support them, but leave the top-up fees out of it for just one week.

There will be plenty more chances for the NUS protest against fees. But give the academics a chance to make their case as well. The issues of pay and fees are interlinked in places; confusing the two helps nobody in the end.

AUT Strike right?

By Gary Andrews

By Rachel Howells

reading vast amounts of material and research. There is an endless stream of lecture notes to write up meticulously and lectures must be delivered with the skills and specialised methodology required for imparting knowledge according to a designed course curriculum.

Then there are the added tasks of poring through and marking coursework.

Many students would probably be surprised to learn that lecturers sometimes sit up well into the night to mark coursework and prepare lecture notes.

It is all worth it in the end. Some of my former students and class pupils today hold jobs as medical doctors, lawyers, engineers and university lecturers. It is possible that by some ironic twist of fate and circumstance, I could have found myself a pupil of one of my former students here at Cardiff!

ROOM 101 her weight.

Does anyone remember that photo of her with Richard Gere at some awards party not long afterwards? I’ve seen more meat on a butcher’s pencil. Not only that, but she’s held up as some kind of feminist icon for her weight battles. Call me old fashioned, but any woman who goes from being normal to skeletal in time for the morning news cycle has problems. In Nurse Betty she runs away and starts stalking someone; it’s a crap

example for us mere mortals.

What really annoys me about this annoying, sniveling, ugly and self-obsessed excuse for a human being is that she won’t stand up for herself and that everyone seems to applaud this. Why am I coming over all liberal, you might ask?

I don’t know.

Partly because people who refuse to stand up for themselves become parodies of what the media say about them: say that she’s fat and she instantly becomes near-

invisible, say that she represents real women (do you really wear those belly-pants?) and she poses with Ri chard Gere and his missus.

Get a grip woman, nobody cares what you think if you can change your mind by putting your ear near a draught. We want stars to love and villains to hate... and jordan for a bit of both. Renée Zellweger is a nobody who follows every tred and makes herself out to be an eternal victim just to stay in the limelight. Chuck her in.

Editorial & Opinion

March 1 2004

Page 13

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Angelic Voice or Vice?

W

By Megan Conner

hile some women like to flash their kebabs in order to get famous and rich, it seems Charlotte Church has been doing a bit of reverse psychology. Not only did she rake in £16 million first, she belted out a few angelic tunes, had several rows with her ma and then shared her kebab with a Cardiff bad-boy before she did the tabloids. And the sad thing is (apart from my pun) that poor old Char’ isn’t half as chickenshish greedy as me, (‘Best Kebab’ all the way!) or even column inch greedy.

She never asked to be scrutinised for trying to be normal. Although her ma decided at the weekend that she’s "more Kate Winslet than Kate Moss" and "a real bangers and mash girl",

C

annibalism. Probably the most terrifying act anyone could commit.

The chilling prospect of a ruthless predator with human intelligence that can match your own. So when I read that eating a man alive received a mere eight year sentence before a German Court, I was appalled. Surely this is unacceptable, outrageous. Or is it?

Armin Meiwes, holding striking resemblance to the disturbed Norman Bates in Hitchcock’s classic horror Psycho, was also the son of a domineering mother. Upon her death he remained in their 44-room Rottenburg mansion. He became obsessed, keeping her room as a shrine, wearing her clothes and even mimicking her voice.

Churchy isn’t that into her food that queue for the cloakroom last week; she really wants the press to document very funny) or sliding on Creation’s and climax over her post-birthday bash dancefloor and fracturing your wrist, takeaway (or her fanjita for that is it? (The latter award goes to my flatmate). matter).

Similarly, would blokes even be What annoys me more than the obsession with Charlotte’s private life worth it if they were to dish the dirt on (can you believe a website counted your private life to the press? down the days until she was legal to Unfortunately, many of us are familiar have sex?) is all this talk of her being with Charlotte’s Steven Johnson a fallen angel. If God had wanted her scenario as we too often go to the to be a fucking angel he’d have stuck famous Creation and find that the guy wings on her, so why can’t Charlotte you thought was your man is pulling a have a drink or a smoke and some random. However, we can only thank our lucky stars that lovin’ without If God had wanted we only have to face being scrutinised? mate’s Surely we’d all go her to be a fucking our disapproval for to hell if God paid angel he’d have getting with such a any attention to the papers. stuck wings on her sort in the first place, and not our mother’s Moreover, would going to heaven really be worth it if we and the rest of the nation’s. Neither do had to drink cranberry juice ‘til we have to watch a documentary midnight on our 18th birthdays, featuring all the saddos we thought we sacrificing hours of merriment in had booted out of our lives claiming order to avoid a drunken mistake and they still know what we’re really like weeks of media backlash? Admittedly, or that they were hard done by. And we Char’ must have been a bit tipsy on her sure don’t have to admit in public that birthday night as she did topple over a we are actually related to someone like car bonnet leaving a club. But that’s Elisha ‘Cardiff Pikey’ Church. Gypo not a scratch on your boobs toppling earrings, gold medallions and a sour out your top (as one girl’s did in the face are so not a good look. Sure,

Charlotte’s stepsister’s cleaning salary of £123 a week might be better income than ours at present but at least we’ve got better things to talk about and are hopefully our look is less market, more high-street; less scrubber, more student-clubber.

Perhaps what is most refreshing about Charlotte Church is that despite all the shit that is thrown at her, she still comes out on top. How many girls get the chance to flirt with Justin Timberlake when their ex tries to make them jealous (with their cousin?) or drink £200 bottles of Cristal champagne after a poor cranberry juice start? Even better, we know that these things are just as revolutionary to Char’ as they would be to us.

Despite being a multi-millionairess, she still likes a "bit of rough" when it comes to men, tells her mum to behave when necessary and is happy to live on £250 a week if that’s all she really needs. All in all, I reckon Char’s a missy that needs a little defending, especially from classical music twats on documentaries that make irrelevant claims to her being "fabulously vulgar" and "a kitsch monster". If being normal is vulgar and kitsch, then what does that make you?

responded voluntarily to an advert placed on the internet. Their correspondence via email planned in detail the event, including the method for disposing of his brain.

T w o others also went to his home, but when they backed out at the last minute; Meiwes did not a t t a c k t h e m .

Instead, they ate pizza and drank beer.

The other, who lived in London, he took to see Oceans Eleven.

Consent was the Court’s justification for reducing his

conviction from murder to manslaughter and issue his controversial eight-year sentence.

There is even a case for him receiving no punishment whatsoever.

The legal doctrine of John Stuart Mill, which states that the only justification for State punishment of an individual is that they cause harm to others who do not wish to be harmed, would seem to have argued for an acquittal him had it been applied.

Though consenting cannibalism may be a bit too far even for Mill to accept as an experiment of living worthy of non-intervention, and for me too. It does put the Court’s decision in perspective, and perhaps eight years isn’t the controversial outrage that many of the tabloids and others made it out to be.

“

”

David Jarmain and The À la carte Man

Meiwes then began searching the internet for a willing victim to satisfy his deadly fantasy of cannibalism.

The gruesome tale tells of his eventual victim, Bernd Brandes, having his manhood severed then fried with garlic whilst he bled to death in a bath for some ten hours.

The body was then stored in a freezer and consumed over the following year.

Eight years for this? Surely not! But shock and horror seems to subside when the fact is revealed that his victim consented.

Brandes knew his exact fate in details that to any even slightly insane person would seem terrifying. Brandes

“his eventual victim, Bernd Brandes, having his manhood severed, then fried with garlic”

Student Rant

I

Victoria Caudy

have not yet met a student who enjoys their job. No-one really enjoys shopwork or waitering or barwork, we enjoy the pay-packet. And work becomes even more infuriating when you have to go out of your way for it: when it’s way out in the Bay or you have to work until the early hours of the morning or there’s an infuriatingly formal dress-code.

The first step in all this is actually a getting a job, which is complicated even further by how rude and unhelpful the staff in the job centres and agencies are.

They don’t appeared to have been told that their job description extends beyond drinking coffee and gossiping to actually (shock) helping people to find jobs. They appear to think that they’ve successfully secured their own employment and everyone else can sort themselves out somehow. When asked about specific details they get defensive and surly and the information they do provide is frequently erroneous or for jobs that have expired. And why do they keep expired jobs up on the boards anyway? Is it necessary to remind those of us looking for work that there are plenty of jobs out there that we can’t have? Would it kill them to occasionally smile, rather

“that sneering disdain they seem to enjoy” than that sneering disdain they seem to enjoy?

This problem has to be stopped before it spreads too far. It’s bandied around far too much by executives, but the expression ‘customer service’, tautological though it may be, exists for a reason. Already bars have been affected (how many of you have asked for a pint and had your smile returned with a frosty glare of contempt? Or been hit in the back by a pissed-off, bottlecollecting barmaid?) although thankfully it’s still manageable at the moment.

Why do these places exist? They only seem to do any work out of spite for their employers, and will not understand that we can do a professional job for them. The concepts of service and of helping the students who pay their wages are completely alien to them. Maybe if they got out of their coffins a little earlier they’d have time to brighten

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Letters

Page 14

March 1 2004

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The alumni speak out Dear Student Councillors and Executive Members, I used to be a student at Cardiff and an active member of the Union.

In particular, I enjoyed my year as Postgraduate Officer during 2002-3.

You may say that it’s none of my business, which is fair enough, but there is a problem and it lies in your hands, not mine, to put right.

I would question the viability of a ‘Societies, Postgraduate and International Officer’. If an undergraduate is elected, then the challenge of representing postgraduates need to be met. The evidence is that postgraduates rarely stand in sabbatical elections. Fortunately, there is still a part-time Postgraduate Officer who has to be a postgraduate, and this person would be in a far stronger

position to lead the postgraduate campaign than someone who has never been a postgraduate. Any of the sabbaticals could actively support this part-time officer, but that campaign should be led by a postgraduate. Equally, a home postgraduate is not in a particular strong position to lead the international campaign. An international student should lead the international campaign, with the active support of sabbatical officers, and so there should be a part-time international students’ officer. The large number of international students at Cardiff need a representative voice. Finally, someone who stands because they want to work for societies will find themselves lumbered with two other substantial briefs. I cannot imagine anyone saying ‘yes, I want to get involved in the Union to help societies, postgraduates and international students!’ If you have a societies officer, let that person get on with that job.

No other students’ union in the UK has a ‘Societies, Postgraduate and International Officer’, and for good reason. It is an unwieldy, unworkable conflation of disparate roles, all of which need to be fulfilled. To expect one officer to perform this hat-trick is unrealistic. Clearly, a constitutional amendment is required to redefine this sabbatical officer role. This would not be a radical move; it would be a prudent and practical course of action. A union with so many societies could easily justify a full-time societies officer. Such an officer could support and train societies of any kind, ensuring that a significant degree of flexibility is retained in the role. Alternatively this sabbatical role could be removed altogether and the resources spent on campaigning, representation, staffing or whatever the Union sees as its current priorities. I encourage student councillors to get together and write a constitutional amendment either to reform or to abolish this role, and to create an International Students’ Officer as soon as possible.

Dear gair rhydd, I am writing in reference to sex special in gair rhydd article "Two men and a whole lot of fun", which explicitly details instructions for anal sex. I believe that this is irresponsible use of a public student forum.

Internet web-sites are carefully monitored to ensure chat-rooms and message-boards are kept ‘clean’ and inoffensive, so I do not know how a carefully planned and edited publication such as gair rhydd could let such an article slip through the net.

Indeed, a wide range of issues need to be discussed to include all members of the student community.

However, I do not feel explicit detailing of buggery is one of them. If this issue had been discussed in an intelligent, sensitive manner this may have been more acceptable.

There was no reference to the dangers of performing such a sex act.

Another important issue, which was not covered, was the use of condoms for protection when participating in anal sex.

It would also need to be clarified that anal sex is so dangerous for homosexual men that the UK Blood Transfusion Service will not accept blood from any man who has ever had sex with another man, even if it was 'safe sex' with a condom. Even condom manufacturers advise against anal sex. The condom company, Durex, said in October 2000: "Anal intercourse is a high-risk activity because of the potential for infection from STDs, including HIV transmission. Currently, there are no specific standards for the manufacture of condoms for anal sex.

Current medical advice is therefore to avoid anal sex. However, whenever this advice is not followed the medical profession recommends that stronger condoms should be used although studies have shown that there is still a risk of breakage and slippage. A condom only has to slip

or break once for HIV to be transmitted.

Neither does the article take into account the psychological influence on younger, more impressionable students. Often parents expect some ‘duty of care’ of the University and the Union not to endanger their offspring. Admittedly, the university and union cannot monitor and control the behaviour of its students. However, articles such as these directly encourage dangerous behaviour, and lack forethought and responsibility.

Should an impressionable first year read such an article, and then be pressured into a situation where they are encouraged to have anal sex, the influence of this journalistic irresponsibility may be fatal. To use an analogy, this article is tantamount to advertising how to commit self-harm, and would detail how to cut your arms etc. (which also is also not illegal unless under police custody).

Furthermore, university is a time where many first years are exploring their sexuality. This article may encourage behaviour that may later be regretted once their hormones calm down, and they establish their sexual identity.

I believe this article is an ideal example of reckless, shock-tactic, lame journalism. It errs on the side of tabloid drudgery (in fact, I know a tabloid would not print such an article), rather than producing an interesting, thought-provoking piece of which any journalist or editor would be proud. A full written apology should be published to stem the damage this article has already caused.

Alena MacEvoy 3rd year Psychology A small amount of research into the gair rhydd, would have revealed our usually responsible attitude to students’ issues (for example last week’s Health guide to HIV). As demonstrated health issues have their own section as do social or sex issues.

Responses to this letter to the usual adress, please.

I am impressed. You letter-writers are doing great work in the fight against the stereotype of apathetic students - the Letters inbox has been swamped.

Just one thing, if you could send your letters as an attachment they have more chance of getting printed - it’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m technologically inept.

Apart from that, I am delighted with the constant stream of emails that I am receiving. Really, I am trying to print them all. I think a double page will soon be in order to accomodate you.

Janine Jones

Text 07791 165 837

Yours sincerely David Manning (writing in a personal capacity)

Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They are available for collection from the gair rhydd offices, on the top floor of the union building.

Power without responsibility?

The gair rhydd letters page

Strike out Dear gair rhydd, I was humbly walking along Colum Road this morning, on the phone to my mother pretending that I was in no debt whatsoever, having got up at the ungodly hour of 10am to head down to the library and do some work. I was about to take the shortcut through Julian Hodge to the back of the Humanities building when I was suddenly the focal point of a torrent of abuse by ten or so lectures shouting "You're breaking an official picket line ... what do you think you're doing? ... stay away from lectures" Slightly bemused, I continued my phone conversation to find my path blocked by an AUT banner. This annoyed me to say the least - "I'm on the phone, fuck off."

I assume they thought I was going to commit high treason by actually entering the building; I knew differently, which further fuelled my annoyance. I strolled away very disgruntled. It seemed to me that not only were they content to disrupting my lecture schedule over a few pennies, but they would only be happy if they prevented me from making any progress on my essay assignments.

Can I request money back for the lectures that have been cancelled? I have had to take out loans of several thousand pounds to attend university, and the AUT think they can disregard this and pretend it doesn’t matter! If tuition fees are roughly £1,250 for 6 modules all around 20 lectures each, chuck in a few seminars and office hours... I'll settle for a fiver per lecture for Monday and Wednesday.

Cheques or cash welcome. Ta, John, First year History PS. I realise how unreasonable and biased this is, the lecturers possibly do deserve more pay, but they pissed me off when I was just minding my own business trying to get to the library, so they had to feel my wrath.

Piss off loser, Sefton’s art is awesome! You want a fight about it?

Hey, I may not enter but where is the bloody crossword this wk. I had 2 buy take a break to satisfy my cravings.

Nothing to do in lectures.

Bored bored bored.

Where’s the bloody gr x word this week? Jon How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit in the dark and cry!

Sham societies scam Dear gair rhydd, I happened upon an interesting poster advertising an Open Mic Night for the History Society. What struck me as odd was that this wasn't just The History Society but, as it was printed in bright red ink The "Official" History Society.

Am I to believe that there are several rogue History Societies currently operating throughout the Cardiff area picking up unsuspecting history students and tricking them into joining their unsanctioned collectives?

Picture the scene, you've paid your two pounds at the Freshers’ Fair and are sat there at your first meeting of what you thought was THE History Society when suddenly you realise your tragic error; that this is actually just A History Society. People are talking about ancient Rome but you

*NEW FEATURE* Text vote, this week: realultimatepower.net or weebls-stuff.com?

Last week: Err...cake please Death! Stanton and eagles is just not right!

Why do engineering rugby sound like castrated cavemen? Is it lack of balls, brains, or both...

Badgers will rule the world. Snake. Mushroom.

Badger badger badger.

know deep in your gut that this is a fraud and a fake, that elsewhere in this great city, at some other pub, the OFFICIAL History Society are meeting; with a better standard of conversation and larger resources. I am surprised that this demoralizing scam of "100% Unofficial" societies hasn't been reported within the pages of this student organ before now...especially with Ball season looming.

Imagine the social embarrasment at finding out years after graduation that the wonderful night you had enjoyed in the Summer 2004 had been at the ball of an imposter society rather than a genuine one!

There would be egg all over your face.

Thank God The "Official" History Society is bringing this matter to our attention.

Yours, Larry Calcutta, Third Year, Cathays

Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Media

March 1 2004

Page 15

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Download a legal problem gair rhydd media investigates why companies are pouring money into internet downloads while Will Dean (below) attempts to work his way around Apple’s ITunes software

By Catherine Gee Media Correspondent

A

t the end of last month CocaCola launched its very own music download site.

Conveniently this coincided with Pepsi’s plans to giving away 100 million free online downloads in return for collected tokens.

It joins other legal sites such as the newly reincarnated Napster 2.0, iTunes (currently only available in the US), HMV, Virgin and Freeserve which have appeared since the industry finally recognised the huge potential of digital music.

It is largely thanks to this delayed reaction that the big corporations rather than the record labels which are cashing in on this latest wave of technology.

In commercial music we can very much look forward to a strong relationship between brands and pop.

Companies such as JackBrand specialise in creating these links, giving sites such as MyCokeMusic.com , which claims it will ‘bring trustworthiness to an area of music dogged by illegal sites.’

That remains to be seen, given that the initial launch of the site failed and access to the site is limited. The site itself is very bright and visually headache-inducing so you can tell which market it is aimed at. If it lets you in that is.

Try on a university computer (done for research purposes of course) and

you get told the correct software hasn’t been installed..

Only an elite few will fall into all the necessary categories and be able to pay for their online music easily it seems, considering the site apparently only accepts certain credit cards.

It offers more than 250 000 songs from 80p per track and is powered by OD2, the firm that is also behind HMV and Virgin’s online stores.

As a selling point it promises thatsome tracks will be available up to six weeks before hitting the shops. But some technical problems may arise when iPod users realise that the only available format is the incompatible WMA file type rather than AAC. The trend of illegal file-sharing is one which began when US, college student Shawn Fanning dreamed up and created a program for users to share files with each other through a central server, which he christened Napster.

After much success and controversy the industry finally got their way and closed Napster down. By then many other, more cunning sites had appeared.

Last year the music industry took Grokster and StreamCast Networks, who distribute Grokster and Morpheus, to court claiming copyright infringement. The judge ruled that they were not responsible citing a 1984 supreme court ruling that Sony was not to blame for selling home video recorders used to commit copyright infringement.

A new tactic operated by record

Diary of an I-Pod idiott

By Will Dean Media Correspondent

I

nspired by the efforts of my friend’s older brother, I decided that burning all my CDs onto Apple’s iTunes software was a terribly good idea.

So that’s how it started. I hadn’t really banked on how long the seemingly endless task of digitalising ten years of long players would take.

Saturday Night: Come home and feel inspired to download Apple’s fancy music library software iTunes. Now some people among us (it’s alright, you’re not the only one) keep their CDs in alphabetical order, so in the manner of Julie Andrews, I started at the beginning (a very good place to start). This meant 1977 by Ash. All seemed to be going well. That is, until I realised that my lovely PC wasn’t planning on picking up the song titles from the internet which means I would have to put every song name and album title in myself. Bugger. Anyway, by 3am (you’re quite right, I have no life) I had made it to The Beatles, track names and everything! Unfortunately, iTunes had other ideas and managed to merge every album that had more than 12 tracks into a handy mess, which meant starting again in the morning.

Sunday: (a.m) OK, not really sure

what I have got myself into here. Burning the CDs is worryingly addictive and I spend my first few awake hours cruising down to the Cs. Unfortunately my ‘work’ is disturbed by having to watch Man City on TV. Vow to resume later. (p.m) Manage to get to The Darkness and Doves before the realisation sets in that I have to be awake at 8am the next morning. Plan to get a good nights sleep and hopefully get to the O’s...

This must be what heroin is like. I can’t sleep knowing I could be ripping a Foo Fighters album. My friends, that is if I have any left, seem to be a little concerned about my well being. Eyes beginning to ache, as is my back. Think I may be getting repetitive strain injury from typing the song names in.

Monday: Return home from lecture and begin to have doubts about why exactly I am doing this. I don’t even have an iPod to put the songs on. Work hard through the afternoon and eventually manage to get to OutKast. At this point it all becomes a bit of blur that is, until I get to R.E.M. Somehow, when trying to organise the songs with their artwork (think what you like; it looks super) I manage to delete all my As and Bs (about 30 albums worth). It’s at this point that I struggle to hold back my tears. It’s time for a break.

labels now is to target individual filesharers. Hundreds of US users have been sent requests for thousands of dollars’ worth of damages to record companies and the UK is set to follow suit. This reached its most absurd point last September when a 12 year old girl was fined $2000.

The industry claims they are slowly starting to win the battle against illegal downloads. But as much as industry members put on a positive spin, about 98% of music acquired on the internet is via a peer to peer network.

It is also expected that the value of

sales lost to such networks will rise to $4.7bn over the next five years.

People are getting used to getting their music for free. As one Cardiff student comments, “it feels strange to pay for it now.”

When so much is available free of charge the legal sites offer little to tempt people into paying for downloads they can get elsewhere.

Many users say that if CDs were cheaper or if they could afford it, they would pay for them because of the time consuming nature of downloading and burning CDs.

MUSIC: Will Kazaa be able to compete with corporate sites?

Tuesday: Almost there. I have a two hour gap that gets me past The Smiths.

Vow to finish by the end of the night as I am going back to Manchester the next day.

10pm: My back hurts, just done Travis. U2 are next up. This seems to be taking even longer. I’m disgusted by how many I’ve done. Don’t think I’ve left my room for about 8 hours. Food seems secondary to completing this stupid task.

Look up ‘obsessive’ and ‘compulsive’ on dictionary.co.uk. After finishing my Weezer albums, I figure I will have enough time to do the rest tomorrow, col-

lapse in a chair-like shape into bed.

Wednesday: 1pm, I have an hour to do 5 CDs. It’s definitely possible.

2pm: It is possible. I don’t think this diary has really managed to convey the tedium and annoyance I encountered while doing this (a good thing, perhaps).

All I need now is an iPod to make this all worthwhile. So if any Apple executives are reading this and you need some guinea pigs for the new iPod mini, you know where to look.

Sunday: Return home from Manchester. Realise that my best mate has got some really cool CDs…….

TIRED: Will faces another long night of downloading

Students and young people are often blamed for the huge popularity in filesharing, which is fair given the overpricing of CDs in HMV. Universities have taken steps to ensure they are not accountable for any illegal activity on their networks by limiting the amount of bandwidth available to students or by checking their computers.

The same message often gets thrown about in the media that peer to peer file-sharing is stealing. But here. we’re geting into the grey area that is intellectual property copyright laws.

Arguments against breaking these laws are harder to prove and elicit less sympathy from the public.

If legal music-sites do survive then it will probably ensure the survival of commercial pop-music as it will remain in the mainstream and economically viable.

If, as predicted by some, such sites fail to turn a profit due to high running costs then it will be a case of the survival of the most determined.

It will be acts that make their name through playing gigs that will be most likely to succeed. As a result pop stars will become less wealthy as the industry becomes less lucrative. As their glamorous lifestyles begin to fade the pop stars in it for the money should begin to disappear.

Will this leave behind genuine musicians who actually care about their songs rather than the pop idols? The battle lines have been drawn.

Media Muddle The Oxford Student carries the exclusive story of the "Pigeon Wars."

Sadly it’s not a variant of robots wars where researchers have to construct a genetically modified pigeon, but rather an accreditation argument into navigation by pigeon involving an Oxford Doctor. Not only was it the main story on page 5 but it also criminally neglects to mention that pigeons explode if you feed them bicarbonate of soda.

Lancaster’s Scan usually gives me nightmares over their design errors, but this week is was a headline that gave me the scare. Not that there was anything wrong with "Blair on top" but seeing as I read this first thing in the morning before my usual caffeine overdose I’m sure you can work out what images popped into my mind.

Thankfully Edwina Curry wasn’t involved. Unpleasant all the same.

Speaking of misinterpreting headlines we return to our old friend Apex with a slightly more ambiguous headline. "Peter Taylor Trashed" gave every indication that somebody from APU had given the Hull City manger a good kicking. Sadly it was nothing so exciting and merely referred to halls of residence of the same time. If it had happened though, you can bet Hullfire would have missed it.

Free Stuff

March 1 2004

Page 17

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! To enter any of the competitions on this page, write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the Competitions pigeon-hole in the gair rhydd office, or simply email them to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk. All entries by Sunday 6th March please. Oh, and good luck.

Scream if you wanna get plastered D

ue to popular demand, we’ve put our blaggery skills to good use and come up with every student’s favourite prize: free booze! We’ve teamed up with Scream pubs to offer you the chance to win 2 crates of booze!

You can win over all your friends by dishing them out at a house party (I expect an invite), hide them in your room and sneak up there every night as a warm up before going out or just to calm the stress of work. Now I’ve got your attention, a word from our sponsors...

Ever dreamt of being famous for the day? Want your football team to train with a Premiership side? Want to meet your favourite celebrity?

Well, Scream pubs are out to make your dreams come true.

Whatever your dream may be, all you have to do is visit any Scream pub in your area; by 31 March and fill out an entry form at the bar. You can also submit entries and find out more online at www.screampubs.com.

To celebrate the launch of Scream’ll Fix It, Scream are giving one lucky reader the chance to win a case of Carling and a crate of Blackberry and Raspberry flavour Reef.

And to win this treasure chest of happiness? Just prove to us you know your movie screamers. To the right are seven screen grabs of characters screaming at the movies. Tell us which movie each is from and one winner picked at random will win the two crates and will have something to scream about. Enter in the usual way (see top of page).

1

7

4 2

3

6

5

See Starsky and Hutch for free their famous red and white 1974 Ford Torino, solving crimes with the help of their street informant, Huggy Bear (Snoop Dogg).

Directed by Todd Phillips, the man behind Road Trip and Old School, and also featuring Carmen Electra, Will Ferrell and Chris Penn, Juliette Lewis (where’s she been for the last five years?), Starsky and Hutch looks set to be a sure-fire hit that we’ll be quoting for years.

Starsky and Hutch will be released across the UK by UIP on Friday 19th March but we’ve got ten pairs of tickets to the preview screening on March 16th to give to you oh so spoilt readers. To claim your tickets, just email me the answer to the following question and I’ll let you know if there are any left.

A

bit of trivia to start with: Starsky and Hutch isn’t the first time you’ll have seen Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson on screen together. In fact, they’ve teamed up a massive five times before, in The Cable Guy (1996), Permanent Midnight (1998), Meet the Parents (2000), The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) and Zoolander (2001). Add this to the fact that in their latest venture, Starsky and Hutch, they camp it up all the way as two pretty-boy cops living in each other’s pockets, flattering one another throughout and the rumours will fly. What matters though, is that the word is that it is their best collaboration yet.

Stiller plays David Starsky, the most dedicated undercover cop work-

ing the mean streets of Bay City, California. His sidekick is Detective Ken ‘Hutch’ Hutchinson, a good cop but with a laid back personality and desire for a quick buck.

Based on the popular 1970s TV series, the story follows the pair of bachelor undercover cops on their first big case: uncovering a cocaine operation run a by big-time drug dealer named Reese (Vince Vaughn). The two zoom around town in

Which other TV buddy remake did Owen Wilson star alongside Eddie ‘I was funny once’ Murphy last year?

POST-MATCH ANALYSIS Last week’s answers: FGW comp: 50%. Lynx comp: Touching the Void. Winners will be named in next week’s issue and notified when their prizes are redy for collection. That’s all I have to say about that.

T

Student-alikes

hanks for all your mug shots this week. But there’s only one winner and that honour goes to Dan Ross, who studies Business Admin, and bears a striking resemblance to Tony Almeida, the king of cool and master of the shadows from 24.

If you don’t watch the show because those evil greedy conglomerates at Fox charged obscenely high revenue that Dan Ross our modest little BBC couldn’t afford, and you don’t have Sky One (though that’s still no excuse for missing series 1 and 2) then you won’t know who the hell Tony Almeida is and I apologise for wasting your pre-

cious time. Suffice to say, he’s a smooth-talking agent who works at CTU, never sees the light and has amazing self-healing powers (he’s on crutches one hour, the next they’re gone). Oh, and he looks like Dan Ross.

Keep sending in your studentalikes. Drop them into the Competitions pigeon-hole in the gair rhydd office, or email them if they’re not too big. The best each week will not only get Tony Almeida the eternal pride of having their mug-shot printed alongside their celebrity lookalike, they’ll also get a bundle of goodies.

Livefree4aweek.net

This week’s winner is Matthew Weir, a Sports Studies student at UWCN.

ËÎÊ

I

> Ê`>Þ]ÊiÛiÀÞÊ`>Þ * ÕÃ\

ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ 1 Ê,iV i `i`

ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ -iiÊ , Ê>`Û> ViÊÃVÀii }ÃÊ> `Ê >ÛiÊÞ ÕÀÊÃ>Þ

ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ 1 Ê1 Ìi`

ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ 7>ÌV Ê>ÃÊ > ÞÊv ÃÊ>ÃÊÞ ÕÊÜ> ÌÊvÀ Ê ÞÊË ° Ê>Ê Ì a i Ê >ÀÞÊ Ê-ÌÀiiÌ]

, ]Ê , 9

`Û> ViÊ }ÊEÊ*À }À> iÊ v À >Ì

änÇäÊ äÇÊäÇÎ

*À }À> iÊv ÀÊÃiÛi Ê`>ÞÃÊvÀ Ê À `>ÞÊÓÇÌ Ê iLÀÕ>ÀÞÊÓää{

6 Ê "" / Ê* -- " Ê" Ê , -/Ê­£n®Ê"*

-ÊÓÈ/ Ê , ÊÊÊ££°ää]ÊÓ°ää]Êx°ää]Ên°ää

" 6 Ê­£x®

"-/Ê Ê/, - / " Ê­£x®

/ Ê -- Ê­£x®

- "" Ê" Ê," Ê­* ®

££°Îä]ΰÎä]Ç°£x / Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°ää

, 9Ê£°£ä]Êΰ{ä]ÊÈ°ää]Ên°Îä - /1, 9 -1 9Ê££°ää]Ê£°£ä]Êΰ{ä]Ê È°ää]Ên°Îä " 9Ê °ää /1 - 9ÊÈ°{x]Ê °äx 7 - 9 / 1,- 9Ê££°ää]Ê£°£ä]Ê Î°{ä]ÊÈ°ää]Ên°Îä

££°£x]ÊÓ°£x]Êx°£x]Ên°Óä

, 9 -1 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°xä]Êx°Îx]Ên°£ä " 9ÊÓ°xä]Êx°Îx]Ên°£ä /1 - 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°xä]Êx°Îx]Ên°£ä 7 - 9ÊÓ°xä]Êx°Îx]Ên°£ä / 1,- 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°xä]Êx°Îx]Ên°£ä

* -Ê" Ê *, Ê­£Ó ®

#/.4!).3 342/.' ,!.'5!'% !.$ 3/&4 $25'3 53% ££°xä]Ó°£x]{°{x]Ç°ää] °£ä / Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°Óä

" Ê Ê*" 9Ê­£Ó ®

#/.4!).3 -/$%2!4% ,!.'5!'% !.$ 3%8 2%&%2%.#%3 ££°{ä]Ó°ää]{°£x]È°Îä]n°xä / Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°Óä

1 / Ê - " Ê­* ® , 9Ê£ä°xä]Ê£°£x]ÊΰÎä]Êx°{x]Ên°ää - /1, 9Ê Ê-1 9Ê£ä°xä]Ê£Ó°ää]Ê £°£x]ÊÓ°£x]ÊΰÎä]Êx°{x]Ên°ää " 9 / 1,- 9Ê£ä°xä]Ê£°£x]ÊΰÎä]Ê x°{x]Ên°ää

/ Ê , , Ê 6 - " -Ê­£n®

Ê - Ê­* ®

, 9Ê££°£ä]Ê£°Îä]Êΰxä]ÊÈ°£ä]Ên°{ä - /1, 9Ê Ê-1 9Êΰxä]ÊÈ°£ä]Ên°{ä " 9Ê££°£ä]Ê£°Îä]Êΰxä]ÊÈ°£ä]Ên°{ä /1 - 9Ên°{ä 7 - 9Ê Ê/ 1,- 9Ê££°£ä]Ê £°Îä]Êΰxä]ÊÈ°£ä]Ên°{ä

1 Ê, "

"1- Ê" Ê- Ê Ê " Ê­£x®

-" / -Ê "// Ê 6 Ê­£Ó ® #/.4!).3 342/.' ,!.'5!'% -/$%2!4% 3%8 2%&%2%.#%3 ££°{x]ÊÓ°Îä]Êx°£x]Ên°ää

, 9 -1 9Ê££°xx]Êΰää]Êx°{x]Ên°{ä " 9Ê££°xx]Êΰää]Êx°{x /1 - 9 / 1,- 9Ê££°xx]Êΰää]Êx°{x]Ê n°{ä

1 Ê, "

££°{ä]ÊÓ°Îä]Êx°Óä]Ên°£ä / Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°ää

/ Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°Îä

- 8Ê 6 -Ê" Ê/ Ê*"/ /"Ê Ê­£n® , 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°Îä]Ê{°{ä]ÊÈ°xä]Ê °ää - /1, 9Ê Ê-1 9Ê{°{ä]ÊÈ°xä]Ê °ää

"" 9Ê/1 -\Ê

Ê Ê / " Ê­* ®

" 9 7 - 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°Îä]Ê{°{ä ££°Óä]Ê£°xä]Ê{°£x]ÊÈ°Îä / 1,- 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°Îä]Ê{°{ä]ÊÈ°xä]Ê °ää /""/ Ê­1® - /1, 9Ê Ê-1 9Ê££°Óä]Ê£°Îä / Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°Óä

Ê

Ê­£x®

* ,Ê 9Ê/ Ê "< Ê­* ®

, 9 -1 9Ê °ääÊ /1 - 9 / 1,- 9Ê °ää

1 Ê -Ê, "

££°ää]Ê£°Óä]Êΰxä]ÊÈ°£ä]Ên°{ä

Ê," ,/-Ê­£Ó ®

, Ê1 6 ,- /9Ê Ê-" /9 " 9Ê" 9

#/.4!).3 /.% 53% /& 342/.' ,!.'5!'% 1 "Ê-" ,-Ê­£x® -/$%2!4% 3%8 2%&%2%.#%3 \ääÊ« , 9 -1 9Ê££°£x]Ê£°{x]Ê{°£ä]ÊÈ°Îä]Ê n°xä

- ",Ê- ,

7 - 9Ê££°£x]Ê£°{x]Ê{°£ä]ÊÈ°Îä]Ê n°xä

/ 1,- 9Ê" 9Ê

/ 1,- 9Ê£°{x]Ê{°£ä]ÊÈ°Îä]Ên°xä

££°ääÊ

- "

Ê " -Ê­* ®

Êa Õ ÊÃÕLÃVÀ «Ì Ê vÊ£ÓÊ Ì Ã°ÊË ° ÊiÝV Õ`iÃÊ ` Ê7iÃÌÊ `ÊV i >ÃÊqÊ Õ > Ê, >`]Ê i Ãi>]Ê >Þ >À iÌÊ> `Ê- >vÌiÃLÕÀÞÊ Ûi Õi°

ÀÊvÕÀÌ iÀÊ v À >Ì ]Ê iÊL }Ê> `Ê Ài]ÊÛ Ã Ì\Ê

ÜÜÜ°Õ}VV i >ðV °Õ *À }À> iÃÊ >ÞÊLiÊÃÕL iVÌÊÌ Ê >ÌiÊV > }i°Ê/i i« iÊL }ÃÊ>ÀiÊÃÕL iVÌÊÌ Ê>Êvii° I" ÞÊÛ> `Ê Ê«ÀiÃi Ì>Ì Ê vÊ>ÊVÕÀÀi ÌÊ 1-ÊV>À`°

ËÎÊ

I

> Ê`>Þ]ÊiÛiÀÞÊ`>Þ * ÕÃ\

ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ 1 Ê,iV i `i`

ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ -iiÊ , Ê>`Û> ViÊÃVÀii }ÃÊ> `Ê >ÛiÊÞ ÕÀÊÃ>Þ

ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ 1 Ê1 Ìi`

ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ 7>ÌV Ê>ÃÊ > ÞÊv ÃÊ>ÃÊÞ ÕÊÜ> ÌÊvÀ Ê ÞÊË ° Ê>Ê Ì a i Ê >ÀÞÊ Ê-ÌÀiiÌ]

, ]Ê , 9

`Û> ViÊ }ÊEÊ*À }À> iÊ v À >Ì

änÇäÊ äÇÊäÇÎ

*À }À> iÊv ÀÊÃiÛi Ê`>ÞÃÊvÀ Ê À `>ÞÊÓÇÌ Ê iLÀÕ>ÀÞÊÓää{

6 Ê "" / Ê* -- " Ê" Ê , -/Ê­£n®Ê"*

-ÊÓÈ/ Ê , ÊÊÊ££°ää]ÊÓ°ää]Êx°ää]Ên°ää

" 6 Ê­£x®

"-/Ê Ê/, - / " Ê­£x®

/ Ê -- Ê­£x®

- "" Ê" Ê," Ê­* ®

££°Îä]ΰÎä]Ç°£x / Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°ää

, 9Ê£°£ä]Êΰ{ä]ÊÈ°ää]Ên°Îä - /1, 9 -1 9Ê££°ää]Ê£°£ä]Êΰ{ä]Ê È°ää]Ên°Îä " 9Ê °ää /1 - 9ÊÈ°{x]Ê °äx 7 - 9 / 1,- 9Ê££°ää]Ê£°£ä]Ê Î°{ä]ÊÈ°ää]Ên°Îä

££°£x]ÊÓ°£x]Êx°£x]Ên°Óä

, 9 -1 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°xä]Êx°Îx]Ên°£ä " 9ÊÓ°xä]Êx°Îx]Ên°£ä /1 - 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°xä]Êx°Îx]Ên°£ä 7 - 9ÊÓ°xä]Êx°Îx]Ên°£ä / 1,- 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°xä]Êx°Îx]Ên°£ä

* -Ê" Ê *, Ê­£Ó ®

#/.4!).3 342/.' ,!.'5!'% !.$ 3/&4 $25'3 53% ££°xä]Ó°£x]{°{x]Ç°ää] °£ä / Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°Óä

" Ê Ê*" 9Ê­£Ó ®

#/.4!).3 -/$%2!4% ,!.'5!'% !.$ 3%8 2%&%2%.#%3 ££°{ä]Ó°ää]{°£x]È°Îä]n°xä / Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°Óä

1 / Ê - " Ê­* ® , 9Ê£ä°xä]Ê£°£x]ÊΰÎä]Êx°{x]Ên°ää - /1, 9Ê Ê-1 9Ê£ä°xä]Ê£Ó°ää]Ê £°£x]ÊÓ°£x]ÊΰÎä]Êx°{x]Ên°ää " 9 / 1,- 9Ê£ä°xä]Ê£°£x]ÊΰÎä]Ê x°{x]Ên°ää

/ Ê , , Ê 6 - " -Ê­£n®

Ê - Ê­* ®

, 9Ê££°£ä]Ê£°Îä]Êΰxä]ÊÈ°£ä]Ên°{ä - /1, 9Ê Ê-1 9Êΰxä]ÊÈ°£ä]Ên°{ä " 9Ê££°£ä]Ê£°Îä]Êΰxä]ÊÈ°£ä]Ên°{ä /1 - 9Ên°{ä 7 - 9Ê Ê/ 1,- 9Ê££°£ä]Ê £°Îä]Êΰxä]ÊÈ°£ä]Ên°{ä

1 Ê, "

"1- Ê" Ê- Ê Ê " Ê­£x®

-" / -Ê "// Ê 6 Ê­£Ó ® #/.4!).3 342/.' ,!.'5!'% -/$%2!4% 3%8 2%&%2%.#%3 ££°{x]ÊÓ°Îä]Êx°£x]Ên°ää

, 9 -1 9Ê££°xx]Êΰää]Êx°{x]Ên°{ä " 9Ê££°xx]Êΰää]Êx°{x /1 - 9 / 1,- 9Ê££°xx]Êΰää]Êx°{x]Ê n°{ä

1 Ê, "

££°{ä]ÊÓ°Îä]Êx°Óä]Ên°£ä / Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°ää

/ Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°Îä

- 8Ê 6 -Ê" Ê/ Ê*"/ /"Ê Ê­£n® , 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°Îä]Ê{°{ä]ÊÈ°xä]Ê °ää - /1, 9Ê Ê-1 9Ê{°{ä]ÊÈ°xä]Ê °ää

"" 9Ê/1 -\Ê

Ê Ê / " Ê­* ®

" 9 7 - 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°Îä]Ê{°{ä ££°Óä]Ê£°xä]Ê{°£x]ÊÈ°Îä / 1,- 9Ê££°xx]ÊÓ°Îä]Ê{°{ä]ÊÈ°xä]Ê °ää /""/ Ê­1® - /1, 9Ê Ê-1 9Ê££°Óä]Ê£°Îä / Ê- "7Ê , 9Ê Ê- /1, 9Ê " 9Ê££°Óä

Ê

Ê­£x®

* ,Ê 9Ê/ Ê "< Ê­* ®

, 9 -1 9Ê °ääÊ /1 - 9 / 1,- 9Ê °ää

1 Ê -Ê, "

££°ää]Ê£°Óä]Êΰxä]ÊÈ°£ä]Ên°{ä

Ê," ,/-Ê­£Ó ®

, Ê1 6 ,- /9Ê Ê-" /9 " 9Ê" 9

#/.4!).3 /.% 53% /& 342/.' ,!.'5!'% 1 "Ê-" ,-Ê­£x® -/$%2!4% 3%8 2%&%2%.#%3 \ääÊ« , 9 -1 9Ê££°£x]Ê£°{x]Ê{°£ä]ÊÈ°Îä]Ê n°xä

- ",Ê- ,

7 - 9Ê££°£x]Ê£°{x]Ê{°£ä]ÊÈ°Îä]Ê n°xä

/ 1,- 9Ê" 9Ê

/ 1,- 9Ê£°{x]Ê{°£ä]ÊÈ°Îä]Ên°xä

££°ääÊ

- "

Ê " -Ê­* ®

Êa Õ ÊÃÕLÃVÀ «Ì Ê vÊ£ÓÊ Ì Ã°ÊË ° ÊiÝV Õ`iÃÊ ` Ê7iÃÌÊ `ÊV i >ÃÊqÊ Õ > Ê, >`]Ê i Ãi>]Ê >Þ >À iÌÊ> `Ê- >vÌiÃLÕÀÞÊ Ûi Õi°

ÀÊvÕÀÌ iÀÊ v À >Ì ]Ê iÊL }Ê> `Ê Ài]ÊÛ Ã Ì\Ê

ÜÜÜ°Õ}VV i >ðV °Õ *À }À> iÃÊ >ÞÊLiÊÃÕL iVÌÊÌ Ê >ÌiÊV > }i°Ê/i i« iÊL }ÃÊ>ÀiÊÃÕL iVÌÊÌ Ê>Êvii° I" ÞÊÛ> `Ê Ê«ÀiÃi Ì>Ì Ê vÊ>ÊVÕÀÀi ÌÊ 1-ÊV>À`°

Jobs & Money

March 1 2004

Page 19

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

wantWelsh Club or anywhere else you had a you rday Satu By ure. ed to vent if you week’s worth of hangovers and night

By Steph Eagleton didn’t make it to Come Play then a worker is not being in was often the next best thing. last What I miss most about being a ’t realise what a The contrast is cruel. My don You eek. midw able to go out ay nesd Wed of nesday night consisted of ER, I Wed lege privi the l great thing this is unti e. and a Sex and the City repeat. tabl ier time Fras your ness and night drinking is removed from k wee The bed by half eleven, lying in the dark in out. ts We had our weekly rituals for nigh ory on Monday, was dering where it had all gone wrong.

Fact won into Saturdays, always kicked off with a trip to Fun there would be peoNowadays, entertainment is packed where you could always guarantee te "lap of honour" because Fridays are film nights as you’re too exhaustple there you knew. A five minu ip, as you caught ed to do anything else. Unfortunately, Saturdays are always turned into a half hour gossd stand and laugh pants. Town is full of scallies, the girls in neon PVC up on the week’s news. Then you’dance floor, head- skir ts and white stilettos and the boys with ridicuat the four lone moshers on theic, before the tamer lously spiky hair and gold chains. There is always a banging wildly to heavy metal mus ease the masses. massive queue for the toilets, which are usually floodindie-cheese music came on to app or tickets to the ed. Not an inch is to be found on a dance floor from Tuesdays were drinks in the Taf flush. We sipped Park Place to St Mar y’s Street. with the midComedy Club if you were feeling d atmosphere of The atmosphere just can’t compare owe mell h; an exclusive little Baileys or red wine in the muc so d love a we to that e ng stag feeli on k e wee those days weekSeren Las, before the compere cam lause. The laughs club that we all belonged to. Back in burst of heckling and scattered app when standing to ends were for Come Play, sleeping, visiting parents or we have no choice came thick and fast and it was onlyyou were. (god forbid) doing some work. Now leave that you realised how drunkded a dose of rugby but to be sandwiched between underage drinkers vomies where one girl Wednesday was Jive if you nee age by not calling it iting on the pavement, and hen part usually because ts, boys in ties and yes, I show my toile the in ing a sobb idest name for is always found ntage to weekadva Rubber Duck, because it’s the stup only The . alternative was the of a man or lack of one night that I’ve ever heard. The could you get the end drinking is that it’s over 21s in a lot of bars, which students. Not that Welsh Club because where else le? means we can at least escape the Jackson Five and beer for £1 a bottonce a month, or you lot are out anyway, you’ve had far too good a time Thursdays were eighties night Fridays were Lash, during the week. staying in with a video. And finally

Money Talks

ga ir

r

h yd

d

Postcards from the Real World

“I believe that sex is one of the most wholesome, natural and beautiful things that money can buy.”

Steve Martin

FACT FILE Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton fibres.

Please mind the gap

By Nicola York

F

eminism may not interest some women but when it comes to future finances they may change their minds.

Recent reports show that there is still a wide pay gap between the genders and that many people are unaware of this.

Female students leaving university can expect to earn 15% less than men within the first five years of their career, according to the Equal Opportunities Commission (EOC).

The gender pay gap is gradually

closing and is now at its lowest since the New Earnings Survey began. However, the average hourly earning for full-time women is still only 82% of the amount for men.

This gap increases with age, with men earning an incredible 43% more by their late 40s.

Awareness of the pay gap is particularly low among students.

When questioned by the EOC, most expected to be earning the same amount in five and ten years as members of the opposite sex who did the same course, got the same qualification and go on to similar jobs.

WELSH MEDIA CAREERS INFORMATION DAY WEDNESDAY 10 MARCH 2004 10.30am - 4.00pm City Hall, Cardiff The Welsh Media Careers Information Day is an event for those interested in finding out about career opportunities in the media.

Come and meet people in the media business who can give you information on careers in television, film, radio, multimedia and journalism. Try out the workshops and hands-on activities!

Tickets are £3 in advance or £5 on the day (non-refundable)

sponsored by

Design - Liz Dargan, 3sixtymedia

For further information visit: www.cardiff.ac.uk/caas/mediaday To purchase tickets contact: TicketlineUK Tel: 08700 66 77 99 or visit: www.ticketlineuk.com

Reasons for this gap are not clear cut, but below are some factors which may explain it in part:

rights and be vigilant; the gender pay gap is closing and will continue to do so.

- Career breaks - Men and women have different work experiences with women taking time out of their jobs to have children. This means that when they return to work they will often take jobs that have a lower status and pay than when they took their break.

KEY FACTS:

- Reluctance to travel - It has been proven that women are less likely to travel for a job than men and ,therefore, may limit their opportunities by taking lower paid jobs that are nearer home.

- The average 24-year-old male graduate earns £16,763 but would earn £14,592 if he were female.

- Occupational segregation - 60% of women work in just 10 occupations.

They are still mainly employed in administration, secretarial, personal care and customer services which are amongst the lowest paid sectors.

- Women working full-time earn 18% less per hour than men.

- Discrimination – It is rare for employers to deliberately pay women less than men for doing the same job. More usually it is because of the grading systems in place, bonuses, availability of overtime and performance related pay.

The EOC have been campaigning with the NUS to raise students’ awareness of pay discrimination issues. It wants to encourage students to ask potential employers if they can prove they pay women fairly.

If you think you are being paid less than your male counterparts then the EOC suggest that you ask your employer if they have done an equal pay review. When you go for job interviews ask about starting salary and promotion prospects.

Ask whether they monitor how men and women progress up the scales and how many women are in senior positions. But most of all, know your

- The annual salary of male graduates aged 2024 is 15% higher than the annual salary of female graduates in the same age group.

- Women working parttime earn 41% less per hour than men.

- The pay gap varies by age from 2% for 18 to 20 year olds to 43% for women over 40.

- The pay gap exists in other countries as well.

In the US, women earn an average of 72% of men’s earnings.

- The pay gap varies by region - Wales has the lowest pay gap in Britain at 12.5% while London has the highest with 23.5%.

- Taking part-time rates into account, Britain has the biggest pay gap of any country in Europe.

News in brief Money coming out of your arse…

A Romanian man who bet that he could swallow more money than a Frenchman is in hospital, after consuming 120 coins.

The men were both drunk when they made the bet. His 62-year-old opponent swallowed around 350 coins and later died in hospital after stomach surgery.

They used red wine to swallow the coins because they thought that the wine would warm their stomachs and relax them, allowing the coins to pass through their systems easily.

Sum money for hot dog victim

Sum 41 are being sued for reportedly throwing a hot dog at a New York man. Two lawsuits have been filed against the band after they heckled him and threw a hot dog at him during a baseball game.

Michael Sudore also says that the band secretly filmed the incident and used it on the DVD that accompanied their album Does This Look Infected? He is seeking £3.3 million in damages. £3.3 million for a ruddy hot dog?

I had a bird shit on me once and I couldn’t get a penny in compensation.

Clowning around

Five robbers dressed as clowns stole £100,000 from security guards as they tried to load a cash machine with money in Mexico.

The clowns escaped by joining a street carnival with thousands of people in fancy dress.

David Brent is here…

New men’s magazine, Nuts, says that David Brent-style bosses are the biggest irritation in a man’s life.

Ten thousand men, aged 18-44, were surveyed and 65% said that clueless bosses were the most annoying aspect of modern life.

Annoying partners came second in the poll with 53% of the votes.

Bad football managers, speed cameras, and overpriced drinks were third, fourth and fifth respectively.

Also in the top ten are Reality TV, Jade Goody, road rage and fake women.

Associate Editor of Nuts said, "We’ve all had a boss that is great at the managerial jargon but little else and it drives us nuts!" (Great pun.)

Yes well it also annoys women.

And gair rhydd is not exempt from irritating bosses… especially bosses who think they should get nominated for the boss of the year awards. IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. If you have any careers or money questions or just want to comment on the page, email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Taf-Od Duwiau’r Ddawns

Tud 20

1 Mawrth 2004

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

‘MYNNWN ADDYSG GYMRAEG’ medd UCMC ac UMCA…a ni!

RALI RYNG-GOLEGOL MAWRTH 2004

Albwm Newydd - Hir yw pob ymaros!

Gan Eleri James Ashokan – enw mawr ar y sîn roc Gymraeg ers blynyddoedd bellach ond dim ond y mis ’ma wnaethon nhw lansio eu halbwm cyntaf ar label dockrad Diolch am ddal y gannwyll.

Diolch i chi bois – am shiffto off eich penolau a rhoi’r albwm i ni o’r diwedd!

Fel un sydd ’di dilyn datblygiad y band mewn gigs ers sbel bellach ro’n i’n falch i gal y cyfle i wrando ar eu tiwns yng nghysur fy nghartref fy hun – a ches i ddim mo’n siomi.

Bydd y rhai ohonoch chi sy’ ’di gweld Ashokan mewn gig yn gwybod eu bod nhw’n berfformwyr egniol – mae’n nhw’n gwybod sut i roi sioe i’w cynulleidfa.

Mae’r albwm yn wahanol wrth reswm – bach yn fwy ‘chilled’ ond mae hynny’n rhoi cyfle i ni werthfawrogi’r clyfrwch geiriol (sy’n Gymraeg i gyd gyda llaw!).

Ta beth, es i i’w parti lansio yn y Toucan ar 12 Chwefror er mwyn dathlu da’r bois, cipio copi o’r albwm a chael sgwrs gyda’r hyfryd Donut (a.k.a Rhys Jones –y dawnsiwr gorau yng Nghymru? ): Reit te, dechre yn y dechre; pryd, ble a pham wnaethoch chi ffurfio?

Wel, ffurf iodd y band yn ha’ 1997, ond ‘m’ond Alun, Siôn, Marc ac Aled o’dd yn y grwp ar y pryd.

Dwi’n meddwl mai atyniad at ormodedd roc’a’rôl (Eisteddfodau a.y.y.b.) o’dd un o’r prif resymau dros ffurf io’r grwp, ac felly yn ffodus i’r band bu chwarae eu gig cyntaf ’ ar ochr bws ym Mharti Ponty, gyda Martin Geraint.

O ble gawsoch chi'r enw?

Yn ôl yn 1997, o’dd Alun yn ymwybodol bod gig ar y gorwel a phenderfynodd e bydde fe’n syniad da i’r band ga’l enw, a bod e ddim yn angenrheidiol iddo fe fod yn enw da chwaith. Felly, a’th e at fap o Ogledd America a jyst pigo unrhyw enw a welodd e off e.

Dwi’n meddwl felly bo’r band wedi’i enwi ar ôl summer camp Americanaidd. Diolch Alun.

Sut fyddet ti'n disgrifio'ch cerddoriaeth?

Power synth-pop; dyma be’ ‘dy ni’n trio ‘i neud eniwe. Ma’ gennym ni ddrymfeistr, basswr ac allweddellwr go dda felly ‘dy’ ni’n tueddu i ddibynnu ar eu dawn nhw i yrru’r peth yn ei flaen. Ma’n golygu bod llai o bwysau ar f i, Aled ac Alun ‘fyd. O ran shwd ni’n chwarae’n fyw, ry’ ni just yn ceisio rhoi sioe arno... Weithie ma’n gweithio, weithie dyw e ddim.

Ma Ashokan 'di bod 'da'i gilydd ers sbel nawr. Ydych chi wedi newid lot ers y dyddiau cynnar?

Do, ac ro’dd lot o hyn lawr i’r drymiwr gwreiddiol – Siôn, a wedodd bod e ’di diflasu ar chware crap canol ffordd... felly crap synthey amdani. Ymunodd ffrind – Craig - â’r band er mwyn adio samples, a cynigodd hyn elfen arall i’r band. Wy’n credu bod ’na agwedd mwy trippy i’r band yn y cyfnod yna; o nhw naill ai’n awesome neu’n crap, felly o’dd e’n lot o hwyl gwylio nhw’n fyw. Ers i f i a Slug (drymie) ddod mewn yn 2002 ma’ ’na elfen mwy meat’n’potatoes ish i’r holl beth, felly dwi’n meddwl bo’ ni’n fwy cyson, ac yn gallu bod yn fwy o

Ashokan - Rhyddhau albwm o’r diwedd force yn fyw nag oedden ni, wel, nhw.

Chi gyd yn dod 'mlaen te?

Unrhyw 'creative differences'?

Gan amla’ ydyn, er, ry’ ni gyd yn gallu bod yn stroppy pan ma’n siwto ni. Ni jyst yn ceisio ca’l y caneuon i swnno’r gore galle nhw, ac os yw hyn yn golygu offendo ein gilydd weithiau yna so be it.

Joioch chi'r parti lansio?

O’dd e’n noson a hanner; o’dd Mozz yn chwedlonol, a gaeodd DJ Cotts y noson gyda ‘Say, Say, Say’.

Ffantastic. Da’th loads o’n ffrindie ni mas er mwyn hiwmro a chefnogi ni, o’dd e’n beth lovely i nhw ’neud, a na’th cwpl o bobl brynu CDs, sy’ hefyd yn beth neis i bobl wneud.

Wedi rhyddhau Albwm diwedd! Sut deimlad yw e?

o'r

Mae’n deimlad da. Ry’ ni jyst moyn chwarae i gymaint o bobl a

Crasfa - Chwalu’r Freuddwyd Gan Angharad George

Uchelgais mwyaf?

Mae’n uchelgais bob tro ry’ ni ar lwyfan gyda’n gilydd. Gang y’n ni, a ry’ ni’n browd o hynny. Mae’n bleser ca’l gwneud e.

Rhywbeth dylen ni edrych allan amdano fe yn y dyfodol?

Albwm arall gobeithio; double live album a fydd ’m’ond ar gael ar vinyl. Dyna’r freuddwyd.

Os chi fyth moyn gwastraffu pum munud ar y we ac yn ffansio dod i nabod Ashokan bach yn well ewch i gal cip ar eu gwefan nhw: www.ashokan.cjb.net - mae’r lluniau a’r lawrlwythiadau yn werth eu gweld!

Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started!

Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg!

Iwerddon……36 Cymru……….15 Wythnos yn ôl roedd y Cymry yn edrych ymlaen unwaith eto at groesi’r sianel yn llawn hyder y byddai’r ornest yn erbyn y Gwyddelod yn un llwyddiannus i wyr y crysau cochion.

Gwaetha’r modd, o fewn 59 eiliad i’r gic gyntaf yn Heol Lansdowne brynhawn Sul, chwalwyd y freuddwyd honno.

Bellach mae carfan Cymru a’r holl gefnogwyr a deithiodd i Ddulyn dros y penwythnos wedi dychwelyd. Y siom a’r sioc yn fyw yn y cof a’r dadansoddiadau lu o sut wnaeth llwyddiant gêm yr Alban droi’n grasfa yn nwylo’r Gwyddelod.

Roedd tîm Iwerddon yn fwy o her, yn fwy cryf, ac yn fwy penderfynol o ennill yn dilyn eu gêm yn erbyn Ffrainc wythnos yn gynharach. Daeth hyn i’r amlwg yn yr eiliadau agoriadol gyda chais cyntaf Shane Byrne yn gosod sialens i’r Cymry ac yn fwy na hynny, hyd yn oed, yn eu dedfrydu i golled arall yn hanes Pencampwriaeth y Chwe gwlad.

Roedd dychweliad y canolwr medrus a’r capten, Brian O’Driscoll, i dîm Iwerddon yn arwydd o natur yr ornest a oedd yn wynebu gwyr y crysau cochion.

Gyda chais ganddo yn yr hanner cyntaf ac ail gais deuddeg munud i mewn i’r ail hanner profodd ei fod yn llawn haeddu ei le yn ôl yn y garfan a gweithredodd ei rybudd y byddai’r Gwyddelod yn llwyd-

ry’ ni’n gallu, a ma’ ca’l yr albwm yma mas yn caniatáu ni i wneud hyn. Ni ’di cymryd y cam cyntaf nawr, a ry’ ni’n ysu i gymryd y cam nesa’n barod. Albwm rhif dau amdani – The day the reindeer died.

There's nothing quite so riveting as a packet of readysalted crisps on a cold winter's day.

Does dim bron mor llesmeiriol â phecyn o greision blas halen ar ddiwrnod oer yn y gaeaf.

Aren't those stars so reminiscent of fallen angels in the sky?

Onid yw'r sêr mor debyg i angylion a syrthiodd i'r awyr?

O’Driscoll - Prif arteithiwr gwyr Hansen do i chwalu’r adfywiad yn rygbi Cymru.

Profodd blaenwyr Iwerddon i fod yn rhy gryf i bac Cymru gyda tri o’u chwe chais yn tarddu o’r llinell. Roedd taclo’r Cymry yn wan a’r chwarae yn y tir agored ymhell o gyrraedd yr un safon â’r hyn a gafwyd gan Rhys Williams a Shane Williams yn erbyn yr Alban.

Hanfodion y gêm yw ennill y frwydr yn y pac, taclo ar y cyfle cyntaf ac yna symud ymlaen. Ni wnaeth y Cymry yr un o’r tri.

Daeth rhyw lygedyn o oleuni i Gymru yn y chwarter olaf gyda Tom Shanklin yn croesi am ddau gais. Cawn ymfalchïo

yn y ffaith na wnaeth y Cymry rhoi’r gorau iddi er iddynt fod ar ei hôl hi o 243 ac roedd yna eiliadau pan roedd chwaraewyr Cymru yn fygythiad i rym y Gwyddelod. Dyma’r ychydig bwyntiau positif y gallwn dynnu o’r gêm. Mae llawer o bethau i’w gwella cyn wynebu’r ornest nesa.

Gyda’r un tiwn gron unwaith eto, mae hyfforddwyr Cymru yn ystyried y grasfa hon gan Iwerddon fel rhan o’r broses o ‘ddysgu’ ac o fagu profiad. Dim ond gobeithio y bydd y ‘dysgu’ hwn wedi hen orffen cyn i ni gwrdd â’r Ffrancod yn Stadiwm y Mileniwm ddydd Sadwrn!

I won't be needing any toilet tissue, thank you very much, since I prefer to use my own supply on occasions such as these.

Ni fydd angen papur ty bach arnaf, diolch yn fawr, gan ei bod yn well gennyf ddefnyddio fy nghyflenwad fy hun ar achlysuron fel hyn.

Hello there, how's your dead dog today?

Shwmai, sut mae dy gi marw heddiw?

9

Mae Catrin Dafydd, Swyddog Iaith Gymraeg UCMC (NUS) a Llywydd Undeb Myfyrwyr Cymraeg Aberystwyth yn trefnu Rali Genedlaethol i alw am fwy o Addysg Gymraeg oddi fewn i’r sector Addysg Uwch ac yn galw am Goleg Ffederal Cymraeg.

Bydd cannoedd o fyfyrwyr yn gwersylla y tu allan i’r Cynulliad ar nos Fawrth 9 Mawrth ac ar fore Mercher 10 Mawrth bydd Rali yn cychwyn o’r Eglwys Norwyaidd am 10.30 y.b.

Bydd nifer o siaradwyr yn annerch y dorf, yna bydd y dorf yn gorymdeithio o’r Eglwys Norwyaidd i’r Cynulliad.

Bydd llond bysiau o fyfyrwyr o brifysgolion Bangor ac Aberystwyth yn cyrraedd Bae Caerdydd nos Fawrth 9 Mawrth i wersylla y tu allan i’r Cynulliad lle bydd bandiau a siaradwyr yn annerch y dorf.

Beth am i ni ddangos ein bod ni am fynnu’r hawl am addysg uwch drwy gyfrwng ein hiaith ein hunain hefyd?

Yng ngwlad y Basg mae 50% o gyrsiau addysg Uwch ar gael drwy gyfrwng y Basgeg ac mae cynllunio ar waith ar hyn o bryd i gynyddu’r swm yma i 80%, hyn oll yn syml oherwydd bod ganddynt lywodraeth sy’n buddsoddi er mwyn gweld twf yn yr iaith.

Nid yw’r fath gefnogaeth yn bodoli yma yng Nghymru.

Cyfraniadau symbolig pitw sydd yn cael eu rhoi yman yma.

Ym mlwyddyn academaidd 20012002, 10 o fyfyrwyr Prifysgol Caerdydd yn unig a astudiodd radd drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg. 10 yn unig!

Hawliwch y cyfle i astudio drwy gyfrwng eich iaith eich hun yn eich gwlad eich hun!

Byddwch yno ar Fawrth y 9fed.

Nid oes lle i’r Gymraeg fel cyfrwng dysgu Addysg Uwch ar hyn o bryd.

Mae’r ddarpariaeth ar ei chyfer yn jôc. Prin iawn yw’r gwahaniaeth rhwng Prifysgol yng Nghymru â Phrifysgol yn Lloegr. Ni ddylid gorfod dibynnu ar ewyllys da darlithwyr am ddarpariaeth drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg, Beth am ymuno yn y galw am strwythur cadarn i gynnal addysg Uwch drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg drwy alw am Goleg Ffederal Cymraeg. Cysyniad syml, realistig ydyw.

Coleg Ffederal o Strwythur oddi mewn i Brifysgol Cymru o Cyllid i sicrhau cynlluniau Gradd drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg o Cyllid i sicrhau Graddau Meistr a Doethuriaethau drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg i ddatblygu staff dysgu o Galluogi cydweithio, cyfathrebu a rhannu adnoddau Mae’r straen ariannol yn ormod ar adrannau unigol i gynnal darpariaeth drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg.

Mae’r Coleg Ffederal yn ateb synhwyrol a realistig. Dewch i’r Rali Ryng-golegol, 9 a 10 Mawrth!* * A hefyd, siwr gawn ni gyd laff yn y broses!

Am wybodaeth bellach cysylltwch ag Anna Gruffudd, Swyddog Materion Cymreig Undeb Myfyrwyr Caerdydd: agruffudd@hotmail.com, neu gyda Catrin Dafydd yn uniongyrchol: umca.llywydd@aber.ac.uk

Television

March 1 2004

Page 21

Your essential guide to this week’s TV March 1-7

Would like to eat...

Sizzling drama as the cannibal killer cooks up a storm

HOT Eating People Obviously I don’t endulge p e r s o n a l l y, there’s certainly something very compelling about cannibalism. No-one can get enough of horrible stories of flesh eating. Anything that brings people together like this, gets my thumbs up.

SOAPS Geriatric Mooning I know that Eastenders has to contend with other soaps who pull out all the stops to have ‘mad’ storylines, the type that wipe out entire villages so that several pec-ed ‘hunks’ and blonde beauties can take over. But Nana Moon’s inteded marriage to some old codger strikes me as quite disturbing. And Kate’s swoon into Ian Beale’s arms actually makes me sick.

And Neighbours isn’t helping either, with rank Trixie (aka Trevor) flitting about Lou’s trouser area and Karl leching over Izzy’s charms. And what about Max groping a mono-titted Steph? ‘Babymaking’? Don’t make me ill. I would rather see Sky and Boyd go skinny-dipping again. That really made my night. XXX

Evening folks. TV Andy here again with a series of mouthwatering delights for you this week. First off on Monday, C4 bring us the horrifying tale of The Man Who Ate His Lover (9pm). Armin Meiwes, German computer engineer, mutilated and killed 43 year old BerndJurgen Brandes and then ate 20kg of his flesh including his crown jewels.

The programme goes into gruesome detail over every aspect of the case which was recently resolved with Armin only recieving a short term for manslaughter as Bernd had agreed to the whole process.

Having met in an internet chatroom and discussing erotic canabilistic fantasies the pair decided to act them out for real with terrible results.

One for those of strong stomach only, but it should be fascinating, if grisly viewing.

On a slightly lighter note five has the classic Built For The Kill: Swamp Monsters on Friday (7.30pm) featuring the fiercest creatures to have adapted to life in the wetlands and bogs around the world. By that count it could well feature some of Swansea’s uglier inhabitants, but is more likely to feature various cold-blooded reptiles after a quick taste of meat...

Once was I was a young boy, I stayed up late to watch Cat People on TV because I thought it sounded good. I sneaked downstairs and turned the volume right down so I could

only hear it with my head turned right against the speaker on the side of television. I didn’t actually realize the general eroticism of the film, and so, the inevitable happened, and during on of the kinky lovecats scenes, my dad walked in with my head dangerously close to the screen and the sound turned down as Natassia Kinski pranced about on screen. The moral of the story is, of course, don’t even attempt to live after such a stupid set of circumstances, but I’m coping, day-by-day, and I’m getting through it. But the first part of the film was good, and I’m going to watch the rest on Friday on BBC1 at 1.10am whereby the circle of dispair

will be closed and I’ll never suffer the indescribable horrors of living ever again. Or just watch King of the Hill (C4 1.15am) but it’s on at the same time, and that won’t make me happy, will it?

Following on from Tanya’s razor-taloned antics, I pleased to announce that Tanya and Amber are bitchfighting again, possibly complete with stiletto-tottering swipes and hair-pulling hatred. Oh yes, Footballers’ Wives (ITV, Wednesday, 9pm) is well and truly embedded into my favourite TV - ever. Sex, bad acting, sex, hilariously bad lines, sex... you can see why I appreciate it. Shannon (you know, the Scouse surgery-sampler) and Harley (the other Scouser who threw up at that party) are getting married, with the close aid of Hello. God only knows where that’ll go, but I don’t think unflattering pictures of Shannon eating cake are going to be their biggest problems...

Also, I’m quite intrugued by Meet the In-Laws (five, ITV, 10.15pm).

Not because I found Meet the Parents hilarious or anything, but because if you had to introduce a stripper to your parents you would be quite uncomfortable about it (I was anyway). It’s bad enough trying not to swear amog oher people’s parents so it must be even harder trying to keep your norks in their rightful place. I hope the house has no poles in it... XXX

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY There’s Something About Man-Melons

Cruel intentions.

There’s Something About Miriam (Sky One, Friday, 10.45pm) manages to simulataneously offend and delight me. Although it started last week, it’s only recently had a huge impact, with Miriam being interviewed on This Morning, The Sun and trying to trick men on the street to chat her up in very small dresses. Quite how she manages to hide her knob I don;t know, but I saw her in a bikini and believe me, there really seemed nowhere to put it. Miriam is that she’s been taking female hormones since the age of 11 and had her boob job at 14.

The only male thing about her is her knob, which while off-putting for some men, is not a huge problem. The men on the show are trying to sue for some kind of crap psychological damage. But what they don’t seem to understand is that, knob or not, Miriam is quite fit, and without Sky One they wouldn’t have had a chance.

Last week saw at last the release of the Coen Brother’s mainstream masterpiece Intolerable Cruelty a savage satire on the world of pre-nups, celebrity marriages and tricky-dicky divorce lawyers. Featuring the heavyweight pulling power of George Clooney and Catherine Zeta Jones it’s a departure from the Coen’s reliance on a stock group of actors supplemented by the occasional big name.

Indeed die-hard fans may be disappointed in the lack of a Buschemi, Turruto or Goodman cameo, but hopefully should revel in the snappy script, quirky characters and moments of pure farce that are characteristically Coen.

With cameos from such luminaries as Geoffrey Rush, Cedric the Entertainer and Billy Bob Thornton there’s plenty of talent on show, but it’s a masterful performance by Clooney that steals the show.

Quirky, entertaining and often downright hilarious Intolerable Cruelty is legally guarenteed to make you laugh.

NOT

Ann Winterton Not content with humiliating herself 2 years ago over a joke about Pakistanis the 62 year old Tory muppet was kicked out of the party for joking about the Morcombe Bay tradegy at a Whitehall dinner. The Tories said “This is the one thing we don’t need now.”

SPORT Don’t worry, it’s FA Cup Quarter Finals weekend, and you know what that means? It means the Don King adverts will be on again.

Great! Portsmouth vs Arsenal, Fulham vs Manchester United and some others. As always, I always support the rank outsider, so go go go Tranmere.

FILMS Monday sees Christina Ricci flaunt herself all over 4 as The Opposite Of Sex finds her as a white trash teenager who steals her gay half-brother’s boyfriend with dramatic results. Not unlike a week in the office, this comedy is razor sharp, rude and surprisingly touching.

RADIO Parody as the sincerest form of Flattery?

The ever-hilarious Craig Brown now has his own radio show, I noticed whilst flicking the tuner last week. So go and listen, yo?

It’s on Wednesday at 11pm on Radio 4. And it’s excellent. The master of parody, the most wellknown forum Brown’s work is witnessed is the consistendtly brilliant “The Diary Of...” column in Private Eye, and his book last year, called This is Craig Brown, conveniently the same title as this show, is similarly great.

Think intelligent, witty incisive and acidic comedy, like Rory Bremner minus the impressions, crossed with Eddie Izzard. This week’s features “Yoko Ono” giving tips on inner peace, and “Terence Conran” on invented the chair. Sounds more than alright to me. It’s only on for 25 minutes, so make the most of it.

Monday

Today in your Union

Page 22

March 1-7 2004

onlyinthedailystar@scousemuppet.com

Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night Factory has been relaunched, with the main room sounding music containing a range of alternative styles. One mission will be running a weekly open decks session in the bar, while the Live Music Society and Oddsoc will provide rock and metal in the backroom, on top of regular guest bands and DJs. Furthermore, by popular demand it’s FREE! (with NUS).

Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night

Celebrities Exposed ITV2 9pm

The Man Who Ate His Lover Ch4 9pm

The Opposite Of Sex Ch4 11pm

Killer Squid Attack five 8pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Trading Treasures 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Hot Houses 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 Rugrats 16.25 XperiMENTAL 16.40 Watch My Chops 16.55 Blue Peter 17.20 Newsround Extra 17.35 Neighbours Summer's first kiss is a disaster, obviously Alexander has moved on from Serena. Lyn gets involved in Steph and Max's business, setting them up for a kinky threesome and Harold isn't quite himself after his stroke - though a good tugging session can cause anyone to go a bit squiffy for a while.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Holiday 2004 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders Vicki sets about tempting Ash. I reckon a hit single and reasonable sales of their new album Meltdown should do it.

20.30 Ground Force 21.00 Drunk and Dangerous 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 The Academy Awards 00.20 FILM: Love Story Famous music, crap film *** 02.05 Sign Zone: Walking with Dinosaurs 02.35 Sign Zone: Black Ambition 03.05 Sign Zone: The Great Mortgage Fraud 03.35 Sign Zone: Traffic Cops 04.05 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Rotten Ralph 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Little Red Tractor 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.25 The Phil Silvers Show 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 English Express 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.35 FILM: Man of the Moment That’d be the orange cunt Andre, wouldn’t it?

God I wish he was rotting in some snake infested pit.** 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Celebrity Relics 19.00 Art Crime: The Scream 19.50 The Flying Gardener 20.00 Terry Jones' Medieval Lives: The Minstrel The ones of these I’ve seen so far have been excellent, so expect more awesome ex-Python scenes.

20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks With Martha Reeves; Adam Duritz; Lynsey Brown of Clea and new R&B artist Raghab.

What a shite line-up.

21.30 Coupling 22.00 The Catherine Tate Show 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Bertolucci Makes The Dreamers: Cinema, Sex, Politics 00.25 Philip Guston: Odd Man Out 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: The French Experience

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 Hey Arnold! 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Laurel makes a sacrifice for love as Ashley promises to serve up a romantic meal for two. Yep, she’s selling her back entrance for some posh nosh.

19.30 Coronation Street Maria lays down the gauntlet in Gail's kitchen. Awesome jelly wrestling scenes.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 Life Begins 22.00 The Ferret Possibly featuring Riath who earlier admitted to being nicknamed ‘the ferret’ at primary school. Presumably for his habit of jumping down peoples trousers.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The History of Wales According to Hugh Pugh But where are Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble or Grub?

23.30 Stairway to Heaven - A Machynlleth Story What no Zep? 00.05 The Premiership on Monday 01.00 Champions League Weekly 01.25 Football League Extra 02.05 Today with Des and Mel 02.50 I Want That House 03.15 Grounded for Life 03.40 Entertainment Now! 04.05 Tonight with Trevor

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Time Team 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Medabots 16.30 Planed Plant: Adar y Ddraig 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Newyddion 19.15 Wedi 7 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Can i Gymru 2004 21.45 100 Arwyr Cymru Angharad Mair presents a live show from Cardiff Bay in which a panel of experts discuss the nominees and the overall winner of the 100 Welsh Heroes competition. Our suggestions are: TV John - The Why Bird from Playdays; TV Holly - Maureen Rees from Driving School; Tristan - Fireman Sam; Rob S Phil Bennet [whoever he was]; Riath - John Charles [legend in the truest sense] whilst I go for the one and only Howard Marks.

22.45 Canlyniad Can I Gymru 2004 23.05 Sgorio 00.05 Without a Trace 01.05 Kingpin 02.00 Will and Grace 02.25 Battle Hospital: Medics at War 04.00 Ysgolion/Schools As the snow slowly falls outside we gather the copies of publication from other unis and burn them in a sacrifice to the Sun god, asking for awards in the next few months.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Back to Reality 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Back to Reality 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the Lady in the Lake ** 17.30 five news National 18.00 Home and Away Mikey doesn't think Flynn is the man for Sally. Perhaps he thinks he’s the man for him instead.

18.30 Family Affairs Tanya removes Chloe's bandages and is shocked to find no evidence of chemotherapy. perhaps they gave her copious amounts of morphine and hoped for the best instead.

19.00 five news National 19.30 Built for the Kill: Ice Predators: Cold Do they want any more colons?

20.00 Killer Squid Attack Dr Bill Gilly and cameraman Bob Cranston go in search of the six-foot long creature equipped with ten powerful tentacles. Christ - sounds like the plot from some hideous porn film.

21.00 21.00 Back to Reality 22.00 Plastic Surgery Ruined My Life 23.00 Back to Reality 01.00 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kickboxing 01.50 US PGA Golf: Chrysler Classic 02.40 2004 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Travis Re:covered 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Liquid Oscars Special Just in case you forget to stay up until 4am last night to gorge on schmaltz and popcorn.

21.00 Who Rules the Roost? At the moment it’s a rather angry looking seagull who flew in through the window a few hours ago and has since eaten Gary the media editor and attacked anyone else who’s come near it.

We’re sending Riath for an air rifle and hand grenade and some fish paste to spread over himself.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 23.00 Cyderdelic 23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Three's a Crowd 00.30 Sort-It-Out Man 01.00 Who Rules the Roost 02.00 Hercules No idea what this is about, probably some crazy body building thang.

02.30 Mechanoids 03.00 Live at Johnny's 03.30 Liquid News with Claudia

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 20.00 Champions League Weekly 20.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp The best thing on ITV full stop - last week’s antics had me in stitches. Then again, I was pissed as a newt at the time and therefore can’t remember a sodding thing he talked about.

21.00 Celebrities Exposed Outing as many actors as possible - could be a legal minefield.

22.00 It's Good to Be...

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Celebrities Exposed 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Alias 11.25 ER 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Partners 'n Love ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 When Carter goes missing, O'Neill must track her down to save her from deadly experiments such as trying the food from those burger vans outside the union.

19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Britain's Hardest 22.00 Premiership's Greatest...

Goals A strange rebirth for Soccer Years?

23.00 Mile High 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.50 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 02.40 America's Dumbest Criminals 03.05 Dharma and Greg 03.30 JAG

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If I’m not usually this sleazy, but did you see the tits on Caroline Chikezie in Footballers Wives? Certainly an improvement on her performance in this dross-fest.

18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 Sex and the City 22.40 Smack the Pony 23.10 Smack the Pony 23.40 Eurotrash 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 My New Best Friend 01.10 Celebrity Five Go Dating 01.40 Smack the Pony 02.10 Sex and the City 02.40 Eurotrash 03.10 Maybe It's Me The dubby bliss of The Bees remix of Light And Day by The Polyphonic Spree gets everyone in a summer vibe - or maybe it’s just the heating which is always on overload...

As S4C except: 06.05 The Trap Door 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 The Business - Contracts and Commitments. 9.55 The Scots Detective - Freedom is a Noble Thing. 10.15 The Hoobs - Giant.

10.40 The Samuel Beckett Film Project - Endgame. 12.35 Grudge Match Sausage-making masters Alan Bennett and Keith Boxley go head to head in the Black Country Sausage Challenge. Could there BE any more innuendo? 12.50 FILM: Jassy ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Animated Minds 20.00 Salvage Squad 21.00 Bodyshock: The Man Who Ate His Lover 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 FILM: The Opposite of Sex **** 00.55 FILM: Living in Oblivion *** 02.25 This Model Life 03.25 Supporting Acts 03.30 Dead on Time 03.45 Home Road Movies 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Improving Schools. 4.25 Rat-A-Tat-Tat. 4.30 Star Maths.

4.40 Making It. 4.45 Sarah & Whammi. 5.00 La Tienda.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Tuesday

March 1-7 2004

Page 23

allyoucaneat@funinGermany.com

Rough Science BBC2 11.05pm

06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 Out There 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Rotten Ralph 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Bill and Ben 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.25 The Phil Silvers Show 10.50 Pod's Mission 11.05 Look and Read 11.20 Bobinogs 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Rough Science 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Celebrity Relics A pair of Jimi Hendrix's trousers valued at £100,000 is today's subject. Regularly used in psychedelic situations. Colour: blue (brown on rear).

19.00 homeground: Ted and Sylvia: Love and Loss 19.30 Bee in Your Bonnet: Power to the People 20.00 Diet Junkies 21.00 Who Killed PC Blakelock?

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Maria Callas: Living and Dying for Art and Love 00.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Time Shift: Children's News 01.00 BBC Four on BBC Two: Time Shift: Political Thrillers 01.30 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Revisewise at Home: KS2 Parents and Children Maths 04.00 Revisewise Challenge at Home: KS2 Maths Hello my name is distance and I really don’t care if I never wake up again.

Spook Squad BBC1 4.20pm

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Rosie and Jim 15.35 The Angry Beavers 16.00 Bernard's Watch 16.15 Tutenstein 16.45 SpongeBob SquarePants 17.00 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Airline 20.00 Celebrity Fit Club 21.00 Holidays from Hell Awards Obviously this is not awards in the “lets celebrate how much these people rip off hapless tourists” but more to the negative, but still, think how much money is probably being spent on this award ceremony with Gaby “I don’t just do football - I can be crap at presenting other things too!”

Logan, as opposed to compensating those who’s lost out. Net week “War Atrocities Awards” 22.00 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 11 22.30 ITV News 23.00 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 11 Worst television program ever. Or at least the worst I’ve personally seen. Clips so crap that Aunties Bloomers would deem them not funny enough, jazzed up (or “made naughty”) by the fact the actors/presenters/idiots/talenfree assholes/all of the above say the word “fuck” or “shit” a couple of times.

23.30 24 Hour Quiz 00.00 Soccer Special 00.30 FILM: I'm Not Rappaport **

No Angels ch4 10pm

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 11.30 Tacteg Gwyddoniaeth CA2 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rala Rwdins 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Y Brodyr Coala 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: FTPD 16.30 Planed Plant: Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 News 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Wawffactor Programme showcasing Lisa Pedrick, winner of S4C's musical talent show, Wawffactor.

Who, correct me if I’m wrong, has done absolutely fuck all since the program’s finished.

21.00 Adar Drycin 21.30 Grand Designs 22.30 Amdani 23.25 The Carrot or the Stick? 00.25 NYPD Blue 01.20 FILM: Panther The Black Panthers were set up by two students in 1960’s America in retaliation to the racist police force. This film chronicles the rise of the Panthers, featuring much footage of the two dudes of the er, Martin n’ Malcom, and probably a load of e FBI agents using the elaborated processes of denial and selective amnesia to pretend their weren’t trying to murder the panthers or anything. And so forth...But all in all, a good, nay great revolutionary shindig so enjoy.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes Monkey makes what? 09.20 Why? 09.25 Back to Reality 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Back to Reality 15.40 FILM: Seems like Old Times *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Hayley's kiss on the cheek turns passionate. As the lipstick on the side of her face starts to attack attractive men in suits.

What a crap joke.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Danger! Incoming Attack 20.00 Back to Reality 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.00 Back to Reality 01.00 La Femme Nikita 01.45 Motor Racing: Toyota Indy 300 02.35 Sunshine Tour Golf 03.25 NCAA College Basketball: Texas v Oklahoma/Connecticut v Villenova Andy’s just proved I know nothing about basketball. I got confused at the idea of Teas (a state) playing Oklahoma (a city) and then confused further because I’d never heard of the city of Villenova. I feel better now. 05.25 2004 Winter X Games Quelle surpise! There’s strictly nothing worth watching on five, I suggest you listen to the radio instead, or read a book. They don’t call me “TV” John for nothing. That’s “TV” meaning “television” although the other is applicable.

COMEDY CLUB Wine £6 Bottle

THE TAF Tropical Tuesday: Cocktails £2.50, Shooters £1

GAMES ROOM 19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Stereophonics Re:covered “Regurgitating” more like.

19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Body Hits Q: Why are we attracted to some people but not others, and how can our sense of smell lead us to our ideal partner? A: because some people like Mogwai and others don’t, and also because some people smell of vomit.

21.00 Two Pints of Lager 21.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Swiss Toni It’s interesting to note how two of The Fast Show’s characters you wouldn’t have singled out for their own spin-off, have now got their own spin-off. I bet nobody watches Grass either.

23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Sort-It-Out Man 01.00 Rough Diamonds 01.55 Hercules 02.25 Mechanoids 02.55 Live at Johnny's 03.25 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz 20.00 Shopping from Hell 21.00 The Impressionable Jon Culshaw 21.30 A Filmmaker's Journey: Making The Return of the King 22.00 Beyonce: Celebrity Chat Overrated bint generating herself into a internationalsupercelebrity off the back of one song, a Chi-lites sample, waggling her ass about in public, and her old band. But then, if the same fuck-ups buy your solo records as Destiny’s Child, then why divide your profits into thirds? Independent woman!

22.30 Footballers' Wives 23.35 Club Reps Uncut Ash considers calling in legendary rep Jonny Hormone from Tenerife. I don’t want to know where that nickname comes from.

00.35 The Frank Skinner Show 01.05 Jerry Springer 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman 02.35 Teleshopping

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Brief Lives: Catherine *** 15.45 Futurama: Welcome to World of Tomorrow 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG1 Billed as a “100 episode comic special”. Translated: Sci-fi geeks trying to be funny. Expect jokes about nuclear fission.

Hyuck Hyuck!

19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Angel 22.00 Nip/Tuck Exploring the middle ground between Scrubs and Six Feet Under, or so it seems.

23.00 Porno Valley 23.30 Scrubs 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 02.40 Alias 03.30 JAG 04.20 American Sex

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 A Wife for William 22.00 Smack the Pony 22.35 Smack the Pony 23.05 More Sex Tips for Girls After attending a confidence course and learning the art of erotic dance, Claire and Tracy return home and try out their new sexy manoeuvres.

Meanwhile, their respective partners are watching, and probably learning the tricks of the trade from... 23.35 Eurotrash 00.05 Hollyoaks 00.35 A Wife for William 01.05 Celebrity Five Go Dating 01.30 Smack the Pony 02.00 Smack the Pony 02.25 More Sex Tips for Girls 02.55 Eurotrash 03.20 Maybe It's Me And maybe it’s not.

Anyway, you don’t think I could go for a week without talking about the Liars, so here you go.

They’re playing in Bristol on May 4th, on a boat. And they’re new albums great. No, come back!

09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 GCSEase. 9.55 The Scots Detective. 10.15 The Hoobs. 10.40 The Samuel Beckett Film Project. 11.40 The Samuel Beckett Film Project. 11.55 The Samuel Beckett Film Project. 12.30 Self Portraits UK 12.35 Cheers 13.00 FILM: The Bridal Path *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.55 Animated Minds A short series of films delving into the minds of the mentally distressed. This week, TV Andy’s under the microscope.

20.00 The Property Chain 21.00 Faking It: Football Manager With Chess Player Maximillion Devereaux 22.00 No Angels 23.05 Shameless 00.10 Kingpin 01.10 Monkey 01.55 Star Trek: Enterprise 02.40 Andromeda 03.25 First Person: Stairway to Heaven Documentary about a humane slaughterhouse. Good use of an oxymoron there. conveniently, “listenable Led Zeppelin album” is another.

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Trading Treasures 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.20 Spook Squad 16.45 The Cramp Twins 17.00 Grange Hill 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Izzy gives Summer some advice about kissing. Urgh. “Basically summer, when you’re a character who’s only been put in a program to sex it up and aggrivate all the female residents, the trick is to whore yourself to everybody in the first week and thus, kiss the face of everyone who walks, 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Tariq drives a wedge between Adi and his siblings. The tension between Spencer and Zoe comes to a head.

More innuendo action in Albert Square, as Tariq’s incestuous “wedge” gets in on the action 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Hustle 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out23.05 Beyond Murder: Convicting Jane's Killer 23.55 FILM: Carry On Cleo Or don’t, which would make me happy.

01.45 Sign Zone: The Perfect Holiday

American Sex Sky One 4.20am

Wednesday

Today in your Union

Page 24

March 1-7 2004

lego_hair@tvholly.com

RUBBER DUCK 3 House parties to be won – goodies to the value of £300!

Plus, win your own pre-lash house party courtesy of the Students’ Union.

Prize includes 3 crates of beer , lager or alcopops, sparkling wine, party food, balloons, music, six tickets to Lashtastic and much more!

Solus 10pm – 2am £3 Castle and Java £1.30, Screamers £1.00, Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, WKD Vodka £1.00

Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Food Police: Fish BBC1 8pm

Celebrity Relics BBC2 6.50pm

Wide Aw a k e BBC2 2pm

Jim TV S4C 8.25pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Trading Treasures 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 The Wild Thornberrys 16.35 Powers 17.00 Blue Peter The team learn to live off the land. I recommend earwigs and centipedes, personally. I wonder who thought it was a good idea to eat snails? 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Max agrees to have a baby with Steph. Eek, hasn’t she only got one boob?

Taj is offered the opportunity of a lifetime, when Lou realises he cannot fully satisfy Trixie...not on his own, anyway.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 The Perfect Holiday A Leicester teacher is off on a tailor-made holiday in Morocco. Much newfound respect to teachers. Some 8-year-olds were today telling me all about anal sex. So deeply wrong.

19.30 Combat Pilot 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 The Food Police: Fish Fish=devil’s food.

20.30 Animal Camera: Desert Stakeout 21.00 Family Business 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Wales in our Time 23.15 Tabloid Tales: Jordan 23.55 FILM: Xchange*** 01.55 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 02.40 Sign Zone

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 07.25 Ocean Star: The Quest 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Mona the Vampire 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Boo! 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 El Nombre 10.35 The Phil Silvers Show 11.00 The Life Laundry 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: Wide Awake ** 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons Lisa is invited to join Mensa, and Homer receives a free erotic photo session.

With the guest voice of Stephen Hawking. All I can think about is Ross Noble’s uncanny impression...

18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Celebrity Relics 19.00 So What Do You Do All Day? Clean people’s fingernails of debris with chopsticks. Snooze a little, then eat cockles.

19.30 Jarvis - Trouble on the Tracks Not, as first thought, a programme about Jarvis Cocker jumping in front of a model railway.

20.00 Safe as Houses 21.00 My Week in the Real World: Alan Duncan 22.00 The National Trust 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Greenham Common ... Changed my Life 00.05 BBC Four on BBC Two: Double Helix: The DNA Years 01.05 5 Things I Hate about You 01.35 Ancient Voices 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Rosie and Jim 15.35 Angelina Ballerina 15.50 Sonic X 16.10 Brilliant Creatures 16.30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 17.00 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Zoe and Scott anticipate victory, unaware of the traitor in their midst. Never film and expect no one to find it, I say. The pub's customers suffer as Marlon's depression deepens. With a face like his I’d imagine when he’s depressed it’s as long as a motorway.

19.30 Coronation Street Weatherfield's latest couple enjoy their first taste of romance. Why, did they wait until they were married? A nasty surprise is in store for Nick when he tries to earn a bit of extra cash. His last punter had arse scabies.

20.00 The Bill 21.00 Footballers' Wives Harley and Shannon prepare for their wedding.

Hazel takes charge at the club and makes her mark. Tanya stumbles across a perfect plan to get rid of Frank. Yay! 22.00 The Impressionable Jon Culshaw 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Director's Commentary 23.30 Housemates 00.00 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 CD:UK Hotshots 01.25 Police in Action 6 02.10 Undeclared 02.30 Trisha

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 11.30 Tacteg Gwyddoniaeth CA3 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 12.40 Sgerbyde 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Caffi Sali Mali 13.15 A Place in France: An Indian Summer 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Nic a Peri 16.15 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.30 Planed Plant: Max-N 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Why does Michelle want to talk to Pat? Probably wants to nab a pair of her tasty earrings.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Is it a new beer or Cic Mul under another name at the Williams brothers' launch? Could be assjuice for all they know.

20.25 Jim TV Not dedicated to Davidson, Bowen or Saville, but in fact about a Welsh vegetable farmer. That’s S4C for you.

21.00 Ar Y Lein 21.30 Relocation, Relocation 22.30 ER 23.30 Frasier 00.00 FILM: The Exorcist III A police detective investigates a string of brutal murders. All the clues lead him to an anonymous patient in the local psychiatric hospital who may be connected with events which occurred 15 years ago. Or to me, on a rampage against bad films. ** 02.00 FILM The Delinquents**

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Back to Reality 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Back to Reality 15.40 FILM: Till Death Us Do Part ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Jade blames Nick for blowing the audition. Was it like Amber’s in Footballer’s Wives then? Hayley lays down the law to Alex.

With a whip and very pointy stilettos.

18.30 Family Affairs Tanya and Sean feel guilty for having pried into the Costello's business.

“But, darling, I really didn’t want to know they sold ground tortoise testicles.”

19.00 Live UEFA Cup Football: Levski Sofia v Liverpool Kick-off at 7.10.

21.15 Back to Reality 22.15 Meet the In-Laws: Greg and Berni This first programme features Greg, a wannabe rock star, as he introduces his exstripper girlfriend, Berni, to his traditionally-minded parents. I wonder if she ever worked in the fantasy lounge... A quick check in the office proves not, as we have never seen a ‘Berni’ there.

23.15 Back to Reality 01.00 NHL Ice Hockey 05.30 2004 Winter X Games The office smells of eau de vom today. I dread to think whose...

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Blue Re:covered Blue perform Boys II Men's Water Runs Dry, plus their own Long Time. I haven’t heard either. I hope...

19.30 Match of the Day Live: Newcastle v Valerenga 22.00 Live at Johnny's 22.30 FILM: Stir of Echoes Supernatural thriller in which a man who suffers traumatic visions after being hypnotised becomes embroiled in a harrowing investigation into the mysterious disappearance of a local girl. As his daily life is increasingly overwhelmed by the psychic experiences, his young son is the only one to understand his terror.

And as he attempts to unravel the strange clues surrounding his dreams, his own family is placed in danger. Fairly predictable and not that scary, but when the child speaks in a nasty voice I did shit myself.

(Not literally). ** 00.05 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.35 Sort-It-Out Man 01.05 Live at Johnny's 01.35 Three's a Crowd 02.05 Hercules

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 20.00 Coronation Street Secrets Looking at the Street's dysfunctional families, from teenage pregnancies and affairs with next-door neighbours to a murderer being on the loose. I’d much prefer storylines about something mundane. I hate tryhard storylines. They don’t draw audiences in, they’re just annoying.

21.00 Women Who Kill: The Susan Smith Story Scary woman who claimed her two sons were abducted but she’d actually killed them.

22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 Coronation Street Secrets 23.30 Celebrities Exposed 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Runaway Car ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG1 19.00 The Simpsons Homer is photographed by Bart cavorting with a sexy belly dancer while out on a stag night, much to Marge's annoyance.

19.30 The Simpsons Homer witnesses an armed robbery by Krusty the Clown, but Bart refuses to believe in his idol's guilt.

20.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 21.00 Stupid and Dangerous Documentary about the office, especially me who’s in Tristan’s bad booksfor nearly breaking a monitor. Nearly. 22.00 FILM: Robocop **** 23.55 Britain's Hardest 00.55 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Star Trek: The Next Generation 02.40 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends Rachel gets an unpleasant surprise when Ross returns home (fna...oh god), and Phoebe is wreaking havoc with a pair of scissors. Cool.

17.30 As If 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Faking It: Football Manager Chess-playing bachelor Maximillion Devereaux has four weeks to become an expert football manager, learning the ropes at 2nd Division club Brentford FC. Helping Max convince three experienced football experts is Brentford manager Wally Downes. Not featuring TV Steve, who has been practising for several months via Champ Manager. 22.00 Father Ted 22.35 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Dr Rick Dagless must unravel the secret of a killer mist. 23.05 Teachers 00.05 Hollyoaks 00.35 Trigger Happy USA 01.05 Celebrity Five Go Dating 01.30 Garth Marenghi

As S4C, except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 06.05 The Trap Door 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 GCSEase: Holiday Maker Maximum Action, Minimum Cost. 9.55 The Scots Detective. 10.15 The Hoobs Pirates. 10.40 The Samuel Beckett Film Project - Happy Days. 12.30 Supporting Acts 12.40 Cheers 13.10 FILM: Santa Fe ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks Chloe is not impressed when the opening night of the SU bar is a disaster. Should have got ideas from Rubber Duck, love.

19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Animated Minds 20.00 Relocation, Relocation: 21.00 Grand Designs 22.00 ER 23.05 Frasier 23.35 Sex and the City 00.10 The Simple Life 00.45 4 Music: Ear Candy 01.15 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 01.35 4 Music: Incubus: From Morning to Murder 02.05 4 Music: 4 Play 02.20 Tour of Langkawi 2004 02.45 Skiing on 4: Snowboarding 04.35 Stargate SG-1

Thursday

March 1-7 2004

Page 25

cocks@mycameraphone.com

Crufts BBC2 7.30pm

Children of the Bride Sky1 2.15pm

A Wife for William E4 10.30pm

Monkey S4C 1.05am

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Rotten Ralph 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Ethelbert the Tiger 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 Science Clips 10.30 Starship 10.50 The Way Things Work 11.05 What?

Where? When? Why? 11.20 Bobinogs 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Trade Secrets 13.10 FILM: Summer Stock *** 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons When the family find themselves stranded in Japan, they are forced to take part in a bizarre game show.

18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Celebrity Relics In this edition, the fate of Dame Barbara Cartland's last dog - a Pekinese called Twi Twi. I do feel like a word is missing from that sentence. The fate of the dog is...? With Barbara involved, the mind boggles.

A Seaside Parish 19.00 Fishlock's Sea Stories 19.30 Crufts Featuring 20.00 Donatella Versace.

Rick Stein's Food 20.30 Heroes 21.00 Horizon: Diamond Labs 21.50 The Curious Case of the Disappearing Pharoah 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 The Grunwick Strike 00.10 Double Helix 01.10 5 Things I Hate about You 01.40 Ancient Voices 02.00 BBC Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Rosie and Jim 15.35 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 16.00 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 16.30 Eliminator 17.00 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale The King family celebrate their underhand victory, but haven’t realised that just changing their names by deed poll doesn’t actually make them eligible for the crown. Zoe wonders if she is cut out to run the Tate empire. Not without Lyle, she’s not.

Steph is forced to change tack with the workers, and finds a strip tease before work does wonders for their efficiency.

19.30 Rock Solid 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Wire in the Blood II 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week 23.30 Start Up Carl White and Collin Rees hope that opening a trendy clothes shop in Maesteg will be their ticket off the dole.

Doubtful: I’ve never heard of anyone buying ‘trendy’ clothes from Maesteg.

00.05 24 Hour Quiz 00.55 Grounded for Life 01.20 The District 02.05 1990 Forever 03.00 Cybernet 03.25 The Beautiful South in Profile 03.50 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 11.30 Tacteg Gwyddoniaeth CA2 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 13.05 Planed Plant Bach: Clwc 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Dennis a Dannedd 16.25 Planed Plant: Crafwr 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Gwobrau Tir Na n-Og 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Stacey finally learns the truth about Hywel's treachery while she was in hospital. What a bastard. No one should fiddle with ‘spare’ colostomy bags.

20.25 Ffarmwr Ffowc 20.40 Darn o Dir 21.15 Cnex 21.30 iDOT 22.30 No Angels Drama series set in a hospital where the nurses handle life, death and lunacy by day, but indulge their dangerous appetite for misbehaviour when off duty. Possibly gash.

23.30 Six Feet Under Nate and Lisa go camping with their friends Todd and Nina. Yay! I really hope they get to have sex.

Look at his little face! He’s blanched with frustration.

Federico has a very large body to work with which requires a bigger casket than usual. Didn’t know Rik Waller had a cameo.

00.35 Father Ted 01.05 Monkey 02.00 The Michael Essany Show 02.25 Tour of Langkawi 02.50 Skiing on 4

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Back to Reality 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Back to Reality 15.40 FILM: Final Descent ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Noah takes one step closer to Kit. Let’s hope he’s got a long one then. Will Flynn allow Sally to call the wedding off? If he’s sensbile...unless he wants to use her bras as nets for catching Great Whites.

18.30 18.30 Family Affairs A game at the pub goes badly wrong when Geri ends up kissing Marc.

That’s not a bad result...

19.00 five news 19.30 Tim Marlow on Roy Lichtenstein 20.00 Back to Reality 21.00 FILM: Lethal Weapon II I haven’t seen it but the general consensus is that it’s shit. I do actually have an irrational hatred of Mel Gobson, but I want to see The Passion. *** 23.15 Back to Reality 01.00 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 01.40 UEFA Cup Football: Levski Sofia v Liverpool 03.10 Dutch Football: FC Utrecht v Ajax 04.40 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v River Plate I hate football.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Garbage Re:covered Garbage perform Shut Your Mouth and The Rolling Stones' Wild Horses. The only Wild Horses I can think of the Belinda Carlisle version...

19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Body Hits: Baby Quest 21.00 Westminster Wannabes 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 15 Storeys High Vince gets a visit from the local vicar after his graveyard has been mysteriously desecrated. Could this be anything to do with a recent night's drinking? Jesus, he sounds more depaved than me. I mostly like mine live...

23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Sort-It-Out Man 01.00 Westminster Wannabes 01.55 Hercules 02.25 Mechanoids 02.55 Live at Johnny's 03.25 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 20.00 Tradesmen from Hell 21.00 It's Good to Be... Madonna No, in fact I’d imagine it to be very shite. Having to shag Guy Ritchie, look after two screaming brats - one of whom already looks like a drag queen - and the daily wearing of ‘tradtional’ flat caps must make one very depressed. And then pretending to ‘rap’ in order to get down with the street and shouting at Missy Elliot because she is not nearly as flexible as the ‘icon’ herself must be pretty tiresome.

It’s a wonder she’s not committed suicide already. 21.30 FILM: Me, Myself and Irene Not funny. ** 23.30 Footballers' Wives 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 The John Walsh Show 03.55 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 David Letterman

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Children of the Bride ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons Marge and Homer decide to send Bart off to France as an exchange student.

19.30 The Simpsons Lisa wages war on big business and sexism when it dawns on her that her beloved Malibu Stacy doll sets a bad example for little girls. Go Lisa! God, I’m so trite.

20.00 Jake 2.0 21.00 24 22.00 Cold Case 23.00 The Handler 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 02.40 Alias 03.30 JAG 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends Phoebe manages to unwittingly disgust everyone, including me, with her faux boho take on, like, everything.

17.30 As If 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends Phoebe ruins Mike's marriage proposal by proposing to him herself. Oh, like, God! 21.30 ER 22.30 A Wife for William 23.05 Trigger Happy USA 23.35 Friends 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.35 Distraction 01.10 Celebrity Five Go Dating 01.35 A Wife for William 02.05 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 02.35 Trigger Happy USA 02.55 Distraction 03.25 Maybe It's Me who can smell sick in the office, but it’s making me sweat profusely.

Maybe that last double vodka last night was a bad idea...

As S4C, except: 06.05 Tales of a Wise King 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 GCSEase. 9.55 The Scots Detective. 10.15 The Hoobs.

10.40 Book Box. 10.55, 11.10, 11.35 and 11.45 Beckett on Film. 12.30 Supporting Acts 12.40 Cheers 13.10 FILM: Checkpoint ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Animated Minds 20.00 A Place in the Sun 20.30 A Place in France: An Indian Summer 21.00 The Carrot or the Stick? The two teams face a boxing match, in which blocking punches is forbidden. 22.00 Father Ted 22.35 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Dr Sanchez falls for a patient infected with cosmic broccoli.

23.05 Six Feet Under 00.10 NYPD Blue 01.05 Tour of Langkawi 2004 Coverage of Asia's premier cycle tour. Ooh, yes. Just what I want on a Wednesday evening. 01.30 Skiing on 4: Nordics 03.20 KOTV 03.50 Trans World Sport 04.40 The Body Story

SOME OF THE GREAT VALUE DEALS FROM YOUR SHOP ON THE FIRST FLOOR OF THE STUDENTS’ UNION Dr Pepper 500ml 2 for 99p, Lucozade 380ml only 49p, Maltesers, Revel and Minstrels standard 2 for 55p, Cadbury dairy milk std 2 for 60p, Mediastar 10 pk cdr80 2 for £7.99 Durable Swingclip folder buy one get one free.

Also look out for our great Big 3meal deal available throughout term time.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Trading Treasures 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 Grange Hill Taylor has an unexpected visitor: her pimp.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Trixie tries to play the part of the perfect wife.

Yuck, yuck, don’t even think about it. Summer grapples with the idea of being replaced by a new baby. Better than grappling with the baby, I suppose.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Didn't They Do Well!

19.30 EastEnders Nana makes a shocking announcement at Alfie's birthday party. Yes, we know, she’s getting married.

Kate receives some very bad news. Yes, we know, her dad dies. We also know that she gets together with that dirty old Ian Beale for a little frisk in fish fat. Really.

20.00 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 21.30 A Life of Grime 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Question Time 23.35 Dragon's Eye 00.05 This Week 00.50 Sign Zone: Iran, a Murder Mystery: This World 01.50 Sign Zone: See Hear 02.40 Sign Zone: Panorama 03.20 Sign Zone: Animal Camera

THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50

Friday

Today in your Union

Page 26

March 1-7 2004

TVJohn@Lonhghairedhippy.com

LASHTASTIC

With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50

3 House parties to be won – goodies to the value of £300!

Plus, win your own pre-lash house party courtesy of the Students’ Union.

Prize includes 3 crates of beer , lager or alcopops, sparkling wine, party food, balloons, music, six tickets to Lashtastic and

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

THE TAF

Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1

Neighbours BBC1 5.35pm

Crufts BBC2 9pm

E m m e rdale ITV1 7pm

The Cockleshell Heroes C4 12.55pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Trading Treasures 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 ChuckleVision 16.15 Intergalactic Kitchen 16.40 What's New Scooby-Doo? 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Summer's fears are allayed by Steph - just because she puts out on a first date doesn’t mak her a slut.

Though taking three men at once does.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 18.55 Party Conference Broadcast by Welsh Liberal Democrats 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops With Usher, Enrique and Beenie Man. Yippee! I’ll definitely be watching then.

20.00 EastEnders Nana stands up to Alfie, as Ian comforts Kat until she forgets who he is and then tries to use him as a toilet.

20.30 EastEnders: Blood Feuds 21.00 Only Fools and Horses 21.30 24 Carrott Gold 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Jim Davidson's Commercial Breakdown 23.05 The Big Impression 23.35 The Bachelor 00.35 3 Non-Blondes 01.10 FILM: Cat People ***

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 07.25 All or Nothing 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Mona the Vampire 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Rubbadubbers 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 Magic Key 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Let's Write Non-Fiction 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Wildlife on Two 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 Rugby Special 14.20 FILM: The House of Fear The Neverland Story. *** 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.25 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Scrum V Live: Neath Swansea Ospreys v Celtic Warriors 21.00 Crufts Or to see some real dogs you could just go to Lash...

21.30 Nile: The Great Flood 22.20 The Flying Gardener 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Party Conference Broadcast by Welsh Liberal Democrats 23.40 World Indoor Athletics 00.05 Malai Presents 00.35 The X Files 01.20 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Philosophy in Action: Debates about Boxing 02.30 The Authentick and Ironicall Historie of Henry V 03.20 Ever Wondered? 03.30 Cities in a Hurry 04.00 News and the Democratic Agenda? 04.30 Reflections on a Global Screen 05.00 An English Accent 05.30

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 As Told by Ginger 16.30 Teen Angel 17.00 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Zak is on the prowl with a DIY DNA kit.

He’s trying to create the ultimate sumo wrestler out of Mandy Dingle and a bull elephant.

19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Special Hmm, what a coincidence that both Corrie and Easties are running shows about their feuding families at the same time...

21.00 The Last Detective 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Party Political Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 23.05 Change for the Better?

Nathan, who was born a woman, wants to get rid of his breast.

Why just the singular? Is he wanting to breastfeed later? Or maybe he just wants something to play with all day.

23.35 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 Undeclared 01.30 Entertainment Now! 02.00 CD:UK Hotshots 02.25 F1: Australian Grand Prix Qualifying Live 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Mymryn Bach 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Party Conference Broadcast by Welsh Liberal Democrats 18.00 The Salon 18.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 19.25 Darllediad Cynadleddol: Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Cariad at Iaith 21.15 Jonathan 22.00 Friends 22.35 Sex and the City Carrie considers Aleksandr's question, Charlotte uses her maternal instincts and Miranda admits concerns about Aleksandr. Not that they’re trying to build to a big finale or anything. I reckon she should go for the mad Russian - I’ve never liked that fuckwit Big anyhow.

23.15 NY Graham Norton 00.20 Banzai 00.50 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 01.20 The Comedy Lab 01.35 The Comedy Lab 01.50 South Park 02.20 King of the Hill 02.45 Futurama 03.10 Tour of Langkawi 03.35 Skiing on 4 Phrase of the evening: “You wouldn’t work in a doughnut factory if you’re diabetic would you?”

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Back to Reality 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Back to Reality 15.40 FILM: A Song from the Heart ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Max and Colleen are worried about Alf and try to come up with a plan to keep him busy. I suggest plenty of hookers and huge bowl of cocaine.

18.30 Family Affairs Les has words with Justin for causing the gas explosion. That’ll be the last time he tries to light his farts.

19.00 five news 19.30 Built for the Kill: Swamp Monsters Featuring an interview with the Creature from the Black Lagoon, aka Vanessa Feltz.

20.00 Killer Crocodile 21.00 Back to Reality 22.00 Greatest Reality TV Moments Tess Daly and Richard Bacon present a countdown of 25 of the greatest reality television moments ever, as voted for

by Five viewers. I saw this and it was utter tripe.

23.00 Back to Reality 00.00 Celebrity Naked Ambition 01.35 The Shield 02.20 FILM: Alice *** 04.00 Short Story Cinema 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.20 Three's a Crowd 19.50 Jamiroquai Re:covered .

20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Body Hits: On the Lash Watch this then try to re-create the examples of liver failure and brain damage featured at Lash.

21.00 Pulling Moves 21.30 Pulling Moves 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 EastEnders Revealed This edition traces the chequered career of Billy Mitchell, played by Perry Fenwick. God, they must be desperate.

23.00 Little Britain 23.30 The Practice 00.15 Live at Johnny's 00.45 Sort-It-Out Man 01.15 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.45 Three's a Crowd 02.15 Hercules 02.45 Mechanoids 03.15 Rough Diamonds Mmmm I’ve just indulged in a sherbert fountain and am now covered in sweet, white powder much like any night at the weekend. [Only kidding kids - remember drugs are bad mm-kay!]

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 American Idol 3 21.20 American Idol 3 21.45 It's Good to Be...

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones 22.15 Movies Now 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Club Reps Uncut 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.50 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 The John Walsh Show 02.30 Teleshopping 03.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Newsdesk sticks on the fantastic Grace by Jeff Buckley to replace my particular tastes, but of course turn it down during the lovely noisy bits in So Real. Ah well - it’s back up for Hallelujah.

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 12.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.00 The Russell Grant Show 14.00 FILM: Role of a Lifetime ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Max Magic 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 FILM: Liar Liar Adequate Carrey effort. *** 22.45 There's Something about Miriam She’s got a cock the size of an elephants.

23.45 Premiership's Greatest...

Goals 00.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 02.40 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 03.30 JAG 04.20 The X Files 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 No Angels New series taking a ‘comical’ look at the NHS. Judging by the ‘success’ of efforts like TLC, and Doctors and Nurses I’m sceptical this can live up to the holy grail of Scrubs.

22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 The Secret Life of Us 00.00 Oz 01.10 Hollyoaks 01.40 Without a Trace 02.30 The Secret Life of Us 03.15 Maybe It's Me The putrid smell of stale sick pervades the office from outside, begging the question - who in their right mind would venture up here just to spew chunks everywhere? Either our editor has hit the bottle or Riath’s been sleeping in the office again. Dirty tramp scenes.

As S4C except: 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 GCSEase. 9.55 The Scots Detective. 10.15 The Hoobs.

10.40 Book Box. 10.55, 11.15, 11.35 and 11.50 Beckett on Film. 12.30 Postmodern Pastimes 12.45 Supporting Acts 12.55 FILM: The Cockleshell Heroes Surely the taste police must be onto this unfortunately named film by now. I’m still resisting telling jokes - I don’t want to lose my seat as an MP. ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 The Best for My Child 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.35 Will and Grace 22.00 Sex and the City 22.40 NY Graham Norton 23.45 Banzai 00.15 South Park 00.45 The Grill 01.15 King of the Hill 01.40 Futurama 02.05 20 Things to Do before You're 30 02.30 Skiing on 4 04.15 The Big Trip: Three's a Crowd 05.15 Countdown

Saturday

March 1-7 2004

Page 27

DominosHerbs@TVHolly.co.uk David Dickinson

America’s Dumbest Flog It! Criminals Sky One10.05pm BBC2 6.10pm

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 The Nation's Favourite Food 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Wildlife on Two 13.15 Watching the Detectives: Cagney and Lacey 14.05 Conference Live 16.05 Trade Secrets 16.15 Watching the Detectives: Monk 17.00 Watching the Detectives: The Rockford Files 17.50 What the Papers Say 18.10 Flog It! 19.00 The Battle for Britain's Soul This week: that Joss Stone bint vs Jamelia 20.00 Crufts 21.00 Gardeners' World 21.30 Britain's Best Sitcom: Open All Hours Oh come on.

Good to pass half an hour away when it used to be on a Sunday as a child before your parents watched Antiques Roadshow. It’s only because it has David “Acceptable face of everything lets laud him with accolades bedfore he dies suddenly unlike John Thaw” Jason in it.

22.30 Open All Hours 23.00 Grass 23.30 World Indoor Athletics S00.35 FILM: Nasty Neighbours Starring my new neighbours, who honestly walk up and down stairs louder than anyone has ever done before and hopfully will never do again. *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Seeing through Maths 02.30 The Science of Climate 03.00 Managing for Biodiversity: Forests in Trinidad Dangerously entertaining sounding program.

Don’t watch it, you might not ever want to do anything else again.03.30 The Chemistry of Creativity 04.00 The Chemistry of Survival 04.30 Whose Web Is It Anyway? 05.00 Open Advice 05.30 Playing Safe Always use a hard hat/condom, depending on the situation.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 On the Ball 13.30 F1: Australian Grand Prix Qualifying 15.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.15 ITV News; Sports Results; 17.30 Learner Drivers Podium dancer Stacey's mother Lorna decides a crash course in Blackpool is the best way to get Stacey through her test. Cue gratuitous shots of Stacey “at work” and hilarious tie-in jokes from the narrator. “..but it’s not gripping a greasy pole with her sweaty cellulite-crusted thighs that Stacey has to worry about, she also has to at a good grip on the steering wheel at this roundabout....” and so forth.

18.00 18.00 Stars in Their Eyes 18.50 18.50 Love on a 19.15 Saturday Night 19.50 19.50 Who Wants to Be 20.30 a Millionaire?

20.50 20.50 FILM: The World Is Not Enough. *** The worst of the Brosnan ‘Bond’s I’ve seen, especially because of the really crap end sequence in the submarine that keeps turning over. It probably cost a fortune, but where’s the shootaside-explosion-asidelady-aside-end” formula when you need it?

23.10 ITV News 23.25 Harry Hill's TV Burp 23.55 FILM: I Love Trouble ** 02.00 F1: Australian Grand Prix Live Hooray! The world’s lest interesting sport returns for another 9 months of unrivalled tedium. 05.10 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Party Animals BBC2 9pm

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Skiing on 4: World Cup 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.50 Supporting Acts Great bra’s of the 20th Century. 10.00 Cynhadledd y Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol Cymraeg 12.00 Smash Hits Chart 12.30 A Wife for William 13.00 Dirty Laundry 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Newbury and Doncaster 15.55 Making Mona Lisa Smile Leonardo Da Vinci: “now then, everybody say “sausages” as I paint the picture. No no no wait, have you heard the one about Jesus Christ and the artichoke?

No wait, why did the Renaissance architecht cross the road? Ha ha! Listen love, my brother’s so poor, I have to pay HIM to paint his kitchen.

Parrrrp!”

16.25 Men of Iron 17.25 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 17.35 Y Clwb Rygbi All the news from the rugby world.

20.00 Wawffactor 20.30 Cariad at Iaith With “Celebrities” Janet Street Porter, Ruth Madoc, Tanni GreyThompson, Amy Wadge, Bernie Latham, Jamie Shaw and Steve Strange all learning the Welsh Language. Stretching the boundaries of reality TV again eh, S4C? It’s obviously good to see Ruth “hi-de-hi” Madoc on the smallscreen again.

Actually, it’s not, sorry Ruth.

21.00 Y Palmant Aur 22.00 FILM: The End of the Affair *** 23.55 FILM: Apocalypse Now ***** Andy ranted about the greatness of this last week, so you don’t really need me, who’s never seen it, to tell you again..

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake!

08.00 Zentrix 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare: Pilot of the Future 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 12.55 Robot Wars 13.55 Dawson's Creek 14.50 The Chart 15.20 Home and Away Omnibus 17.30 FILM: A Night on the Town *** 19.15 Charmed 20.05 five news and sport 20.10 Martial Law 21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 Law and Order 23.00 FILM: Hide and Seek ****Film adaptation of the popular childrens game.

00.50 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Verno Phillips v Julio Garcia 02.05 Boxing Classic: Sugar Ray Leonard v Wilfred Benitez 02.50 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kickboxing 03.40 2004 Winter X Games 04.20 Cold War 05.10 Sons and Daughters My dear mother used to watch this when it was on ITV. I remember the hideous 80’s-soap-opera garish opening credits. Horrible.

But what’s not horrible is my music picks for this week! See what I did there...anyway: The new singles by Usher and Beenie Man (who I’m sure rhymes “remix” with “cheese stick”), Uncle Tupelo’s second and greatest album, Still Feel Gone, the new *coughcough* another mention *cough* Liars album, the Weakerthans again/as usual, Ryan Adams before he went dull, the charming Jim O’ Rourke, and the good lord above (aka Bruce Springsteen)

COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30

AIESEC PRESENTS ‘BUSINESS IS CHANGING’ JULIAN HODGE THEATRE 10am – 5pm Tickets £3

THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30

GAMES ROOM 19.00 Liquid Assets: J-Lo's Millions 20.00 Who Rules the Roost Who stole the exclamation mark? 21.00 FILM: Lake Placid Crap film about a big crocodile. TV Andy helpfully suggests there’s a man in the film who tries to befriend the film because he think’s it’s his mother. The man in the film tat is, not TV Andy ** 22.20 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.20 Liquid Assets: JLo's Millions 00.15 Three's a Crowd 00.45 Three's a Crowd 01.15 Three's a Crowd 01.45 Three's a Crowd 02.15 Hercules 02.45 Mechanoids 03.15 Liquid Assets: J-Lo's Millions We’re having difficulty coming up with good puns for the front page on the German Cannibal. Ich Bin Ein Yourdinner, Guess Who He’s Having For Dinner, Food for Thought, Thought For Food, Bite My Ass, Cock au Vin, German Samples his Friend’s Spicy Sausage, Would Like to Eat, Crunch Time in German Cannibal Case, and Be Still, I’m Eating Heart.

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.15 Quincy, ME 13.15 Movies Now 13.25 Holiday Showdown 14.30 CD:UK 15.30 Entertainment Today 16.20 Movies Now 16.30 Airline 17.00 Airline Documentary series about a budget airline.

17.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 18.00 Entertainment Today 18.50 Celebrity Fit Club 19.50 American Idol Special: Uncut, Uncensored and Untalented Apparently this also features footage of contestants, as well as the judges.

20.50 Movies Now 21.00 Celebrities Exposed 22.00 Club Reps Uncut 23.00 American Idol Special: Uncut, Uncensored and Untalented 23.50 Starsailor... In the Studio 00.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 01.00 Celebrities Exposed 02.00 Teleshopping 03.00 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus See if you can tell the genders apart, we’ve had difficulty all night. Some of them sound like men but are ladies. And vice versa.

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 17.00 Jake 2.0 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 24 Real-time 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.00 Cold Case 00.00 Angel 00.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 02.40 America's Dumbest Criminals 03.05 Kirsty's Home Videos 03.30 Gamezville 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager So near, yet so far. I ALMOST had nohing to write about Sky One.

14.00 As If 14.30 As If 14.55 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.10 Friends Chandler reveals his third nipple.

18.10 G Girls 18.40 G Girls 19.10 As If This week Asif from Eastenders stays at home to read a bit of Harry Potter, before writing a CV, making himself a tasty luncheon meat sandwich, and then goes for a brisk walk around the block. What a pleasant life he leads!

19.40 As If 20.10 A Wife for William 20.40 Friends 21.10 Shameless 22.15 NY Graham Norton 23.20 Six Feet Under It’s times like this I wish E4 didn’t show As If, the shortest names program on television I presume, quite so much, because I have to do what I’ve done on the top line to save me writing more and it looks suspicious. I’d like to thank the following things for the creation of TV Desk this week: Richmond Superkings Gold, the proof reader who reminds me of Gonch from Grange Hill, and the fact it snowed today. Yay.

06.00 Party Animals This week: a giraffe tries a High School “frat” party for size. 06.05 Tales of a Wise King 10.20 T4: Making Mona Lisa Smile 10.50 T4: A Wife for William 11.20 T4: Friends 11.55 T4: Joe Millionaire UK 12.55 T4: Dirty Laundry 15.55 The Tower: The Bloody Tower 16.55 FILM: On the Buses ** 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 Status Anxiety 21.00 Regency House Party 22.00 FILM: The Game *** 00.25 NY Graham Norton 01.30 4 Music: Ear Candy We’re promised an “exclusive performance” from the Vines.

God help us. Possibly the worst band to ever walk this planet, with a performance, just for us.

The musical equivalent of sticking gardening forks into your butt cheeks and “bombing” into an unfilled swimming pool.

02.00 Rather Good Videos With Kashmir, N*E*R*D and Wiley and the Distillers. 02.15 4 Music: 4 Play With Longview.

Next! 02.25 FILM: Black and White *** 04.05 Off Centre 04.30 Jack and Jill 05.15 Countdown

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Round the Twist 06.55 Evolution: The Animated Series 07.15 Tom and Jerry Kids 07.40 Arthur 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Six Nations Grandstand 13.05 Rugby Build-Up 13.30 Rugby Union: Italy v Scotland 15.30 Football Latest 15.35 Rugby Build-Up 16.00 Rugby Union: England v Ireland 17.50 Match of the Day Live: Portsmouth v Arsenal. As a Southampton fan, I’d have to go against Portsmouth, but since I like football in general, I don’t want Arsenal to win either. So I hope they all die.

20.00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20.15 The National Lottery Jet Set 20.50 Casualty 21.40 Parkinson With everybody’s favourite motown-borrowing gurner, Lionel Ritchie. And some guy from Star Trek or Star Wars or something geeky like that.

22.40 BBC News; Weather 23.00 Match of the Day 23.40 FILM: Red Sonja ** 01.05 A Question of Sport 01.40 Top of the Pops Latest band of the indieschmindie genre to rock the charts: Keane.

When will this madness end?

Will they play most of the song and then get sent off the stage for stamping on a nearby goalkeeper, I wonder. Strangely, Yoevil Town Football Club are in the top 40 this week. A TOTP/football crossover for the FA Cup quarter finals beckons...

Ministry of Mayhem ITV1 9.25pm

Sunday

Page 28

March 1-7 2004

go_out@badtv.com

THE TAF WHO WANTS TO BE A CLEVER DICK

Today in your Union

Quiz £3 per team (max 6) Up to £350 in drink vouchers to be won!

Sunday Sessions: Jugs of Carling, Worthy and Strongbow £6.00

Killer Volcanoes five 8pm

Cruel Intentions Channel 4 10pm

On Show BBC1 11.05pm

Cats and Dogs five 6.25pm

06.00 Breakfast 08.20 Match of the Day 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 12.50 Match of the Day Live: Millwall v Tranmere 14.55 Keeping Up Appearances 15.25 EastEnders 17.20 Lifeline Eamonn Holmes appeals on behalf of the Cystic Fibrosis Trust. Good-o.

17.30 BBC News; Weather 17.55 Songs of Praise Celtic Christianity. Erm, they were pagans, weren’t they? Oh, I don’t know.

18.30 Last of the Summer Wine To celebrate the birthday of his famous ancestor, Robin Hood, Billy proudly wears a green suit. Because of course, that’s what the old Hood would have done...

19.00 The Divine Michelangelo 20.00 Born and Bred Helen becomes a trainee nurse just as the hospital welcomes its most demanding patient. I’m sure these storylines relate better on screen than on the page...

21.00 In Denial of Murder But with that dead body lying face-down in your bed, it’s likely that no one will listen.

22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: What's the Point of the BBC ? Well, I often wonder this, especially on Sundays when they become particularly lazy in showing anything worthwhile.

23.05 On Show 23.35 FILM: Arachnophobia Genuinely terrfying, if ridiculous. *** 01.20 The Sky at Night 01.45 FILM: The Reptile *** 03.15 BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 06.55 Taz-Mania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 FightBox 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Bible Mysteries 13.30 Bible Mysteries 14.20 Trade Secrets 14.30 Six Nations Grandstand: Wales v France 17.00 Scrum V 17.40 Bill Oddie's Best of British...

18.10 Natural World: Meerkats The ultimate team players, meerkats survive in harsh conditions by looking out for each other and constantly scanning the horizon for predators such as cobras, cheetahs and martial eagles. Not like the dog-eat-dog environment of GR then. Joke, obviously.

19.00 Crufts Two hours of dogs? Jesus,do they really think people will watch this? Apart from retarded people going ‘ahh’ at evil wasp-faced pugs, obviously. Gah, I hate anything ‘cute’.

21.00 SAS Desert: Are You Tough Enough? No. 22.00 Morvern Callar Drama about a supermarket worker who, when she finds her boyfriend's committed suicide, proceeds to live off his bank account, not telling even her best friend what has happened.

Ooh, I really want to see this.

“Excellent soundtrack” - TV Andy.

23.35 World Indoor Athletics 00.35 Rugby Special 01.20 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Travel and Tourism: The Complete Guide 03.00 Safety and Leadership 04.00 Customer Care and Business 05.00 Fasten Your Seatbelts

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Brilliant Creatures 09.40 How II 10.00 The Story Keepers 10.30 My Favourite Hymns 11.30 Waterfront 12.00 Soccer Sunday 12.30 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.30 F1: Australian Grand Prix 16.00 With a Little Help from My Friends 17.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp How come this is on now? I thought it was on really late so he could show ‘rude’ bits from Footballers’ Wives...

17.30 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.45 Grass Roots 18.15 How to Holiday Step one: decide where you want to go, step two: buy lots of condoms... Could ITV possibly be patronising us...?

18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Scott has to face the music when Zoe discovers the identity of the haulage yard supervisor. Hmm, a nice bit of haulage intrigue on a Sunday night.

19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat Boring-ass nostalgia with shit music, acting and ratings.

21.00 William and Mary 22.00 Hardware Dire repeat of dire sitcom with Martin Freeman, who seemed to be having an attack of the sillies when he agreed to take part.

22.30 2DTV 23.00 ITV News 23.05 The South Bank Show 00.10 F1: Australian Grand Prix 01.10 World Rally Championship Magazine Show 01.35 Lads Army 02.30 Bridezillas 02.55 Today with Des and Mel 03.45 CD:UK

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 ICC Cricket World 07.30 Football: South American Championship 08.00 Skiing on 4: World Cup 09.00 The Simple Life 09.30 The Grill 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Joe Millionaire UK 13.45 Star Trek: Enterprise 14.30 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Cymru v Ffrainc 17.00 Maniffesto 17.30 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm 19.30 Y Sioe Gelf Arts review series.

20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Portreadau: Islwyn Ffowc Elis 21.00 Amdani Gwil decides he wants a huge wedding.

Mainly so everyone can share in his mirth when his new bride calls him ‘Gwilly’. Little things, you know...

21.55 Newyddion 22.10 Regency House Party The fourth instalment of the series in which five men and five women follow early-19th century social protocols. The chaperones are urged to arrange more encounters. I hate to tell you, but I really like this. I wish I were there so I could mince about in a corset.

23.10 The Fit Farm 00.10 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 01.15 The Best for My Child 02.15 FILM: Living in Oblivion Multi-layered satire about a film-maker's efforts to direct a low-budget movie.

Viewed from several characters' points of view, the story follows the director's attempts to ease the tensions between his female lead and the male prima donna' who has been hired for his name. Maybe good, as it stars Steve Buscemi ***

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 The Jesus Effect: Christianity's Cultural Impact 07.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.05 The Ice Cream Machine 11.20 Aliens among Us 11.35 Braceface 12.05 Revelations 12.40 Divine Designs 13.10 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 Robot Wars 14.50 FILM: Bhowani Junction ** 16.50 FILM: Columbo: How to Dial a Murder *** 18.15 five news and sport 18.25 FILM: Cats and Dogs I saw this when I went on ‘holiday’ to York with my friend. We went round the Yorvik centre, drank booze and sat in the rain on a park bench. And this film fitted in perfectly with the ambient mood. To be fair I did quite like it, but got pissed off because I hate filthy dogs. ** 20.00 Killer Volcanoes 21.00 FILM: Saving Private Ryan Haven’t seen it, but it has five stars and won an Oscar, which makes me think it’s evil. I avoid things like this at all costs, not in the least because my arse would be numb by the end of it.

A bit like working at TV desk actually... ***** 00.20 Alias 01.15 NHL Ice Hockey: Colorado Avalanche v Calgary Flames 03.40 2004 Winter X Games 04.30 2004 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix

19.00 Would Like to Meet 20.00 Michael Jackson and the Boy He Paid Off Is that what they’re calling it now? Right then, I’m off to ‘pay’ someone off and out a large smile on their face (I’ll make sure I ply them with Jesus Juice first though).

21.00 Who Rules the Roost It’s most definitely TV Andy this week, who has sped through all his pages and left me and John eating his dust. The bastard, he’s going to get home in time for Six Feet Under and I’m not...

22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Cyderdelic 00.00 Michael Jackson and the Boy He Paid Off 00.55 Who Rules the Roost 01.55 Hercules 02.25 SAS Survival Secrets 02.55 Westminster Wannabes BBC Three is such a shit channel. I hate it, and I hate doing Sundays because there’s nothing on. In other news, the office no longer smells of sick and last night I learnt a new word...

09.25 CD:UK 10.30 American Idol 3 11.20 American Idol 3 11.45 American Idol Special: Uncut, Uncensored and Untalented 12.35 Movies Now 12.45 Love on a Saturday Night 13.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Starsailor... In the Studio 20.00 American Idol 3 20.50 American Idol 3 21.15 American Idol Special: Uncut, Uncensored and Untalented 22.05 Coronation Street As Maria's frustrations come to a head, Nick finds there's only room for one woman in his life.

That’s not what he said to the ladies in Abygale’s.

22.35 Coronation Street Secrets 23.35 Celebrities Exposed 00.35 Harry Hill's TV Burp 01.05 Entertainment Today 01.55 Teleshopping 02.55 The Naked Truth 03.25 The Naked Truth 03.55 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.00 Trisha ...but I feel that ‘gooch’ will be redundant in most polite chat.

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Captain Scarlet 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Max Magic 18.00 The Simpsons When a con man sells Springfield a faulty monorail system only Marge is suspicious of the plan. Featuring the guest voice of Leonard Nimoy.

18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Scrubs 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 There's Something about Miriam 22.00 Mile High 23.00 There's Something about Miriam Extra 23.30 Porno Valley 00.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 01.00 Extreme Witness 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn

14.00 Your Face or Mine?

14.30 Britney Spears: Gettin' in the Zone Is this some evil euphemism/the reason she wears such low-cut trousers?

15.20 Justin Timberlake in Memphis 16.10 The Simple Life 16.35 The Simple Life TV John has asked who came first: Leonardo or Michelangelo. I can only think of turtles and am confused. Doesn’t take much though.

17.00 Friends 17.30 The Grill 18.00 A Wife for William 18.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.25 The OC What is this? I should have read the listing but forgot. Maybe it stands for ‘Orifice-Centred’, ‘Only Chesticles’ and various other things I saw in Loaded.

20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 The OC 23.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 00.30 The Secret Life of Us We steal our humour from Jim Davidson...01.30 Friends 02.05 ER 02.50 The Simple Life

As S4C, except: 06.00 Insektors 09.00 T4: Friends 09.30 T4: Popworld 10.30 T4: Hollyoaks Mandy struggles with the aftermath of the funeral, and she has to contend with Tony's attempts to win back her affections, much to Max's dismay. Oh God, are they still on this storyline? Mandy is a disease infested ho. Who whines a lot. That’s enough to have half the GR office’s tongues hanging out.

13.00 T4: The Simple Life 13.30 T4: The Grill 14.05 T4: Friends 14.40 T4: Will and Grace 15.10 T4: Stargate SG-1 16.05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 17.00 Time Team 18.00 Friends 18.30 The OC 19.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 20.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 21.00 The Fit Farm 22.00 FILM: Cruel Intentions ** 23.50 FILM: Plunkett and Macleane I saw this in Talybont in my first year. I think it was crap. I may have been drunk. ** 01.40 FILM: Room to Rent *** 03.15 The Story of the Novel 04.20 The Best for My Child 05.10 Countdown 05.55 Insektors

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Listings

Page 30

March 1 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday01/03

Fun Factory @ SU 9-2am Free (NUS) Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want Bar till 2am drinks promotions all night. Free entry Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play. 8pm £1.50 Mondays @ Exit Club Cheap and Cheerful chart night 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3 DJ Mix selector @ Sam’s Bar Live turntable action £3 Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Film Society @ UGC Meet in the UGC Bar at 8pm, film at 9pm.

St David’s Day Abri Special @ The Toucan Our national day celebrated with Kidz with Toyz, Lo-Cut +Sleifar, Brave Captain & DJ Cottrell. 9pm-2am £5/£4 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Kasabian, Chikinki, Transposer. 8.00pm £5.

Act 1 @ Crwys Theatre (Off Richmond Road) Richard the Third.

Shakespeare's most popular historical tragedy will be brought to life in a small, intimate venue, creating a close link with the audience.

A minimalist set and a dark, sombre mood reflect the overall mood of the play. The play will be performed with a 1940s gangster motif , with the ailing King Edward as something of a ‘Godfather’ figure and all the violence in the play expressed in a similar way to classic gangster films.Today until Saturday (not Thursday) 7:30pm £5./£4.50 (act1) Tickets from SU box office or on the door.

BBC National Orchestra of Wales @ St. David’s Hall St. David's Day Celebration. Owain Arwel Hughes, conductor. Presenting a programme of Rachmaninov, Tchaikovsky, Sibelius and the world premiere of Alun Hoddinott’s Badger in the Bag. 7:30pm £6 (NUS) Live @ Barfly The Brian Jonestown Massacre and Black Albino Kickoff Doors: 8:00pm £7 adv.

Tuesday02/03

Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors: 8pm Show 9pm £3.50 (NUS) Passport Show @ Barfly Amy Winehouse Are you one of the lucky winners? Bounce @ Barfly Drum and Bass. 11pm-2am £2(NUS) Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors: 9pm £2.50 (NUS) Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk. Bar till 2am happy hour drinks all night. Free entry Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, D’n’B with DJs Rod and Mr P £1 bottles and shots No dress code 9pm-3am Free before 11, £1.50 after The Diary of Anne Frank @ The Sherman Theatre (Venue 2) One of Cardiff’s leading amateur theatre companies, Cardiff Little Theatre will be presenting Anne Frank’s incredible story. Today until Sat. 8:00pm £7/£5 Hurricane @ The Sherman Theatre (Venue 1) One-man show which won the Best Actor Winner at the Edinburgh Fringe Awards 2003. Portraying Alex ‘Hurricane’ Higgins who was as famous for his velvet suits and rockstar lifestyle as his snooker. 7:30pm £13/£10 Open Mic Night @ The Toucan Relaxed setting. £1 from 9:00pm Xpress live road show @ SU, Solus Live bands and Xpress’s very own DJs. Doors: 7:30pm £2 on the door Lunchtime Concert @ St. David’s Hall With Thomas Trotter. The Birmingham City Organist and Organist at St Margaret’s Church, Westminster Abbey, performs a concert which includes works by Bach, Stanley and Liszt.

1:00pm £5 Jazz on the Level @ St. David’s Hall (Level 3) Jacqui Dankworth & Her Musicians. The talented daughter of the legendary jazz performers Cleo Laine and John Dankworth, Jacqui brings her breathtaking voice to the Hall. 8.00pm £10 Concert @ Music Dept. Concert Hall Martin Roscoe (Piano). Playing a diverse programme of Brahms, Beethoven, Messiaen, Ravel and Debussy. This concert should appeal to all tastes! 7:30pm (best to arrive early) £3 (NUS)

Wednesday03/03

W ednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12 noon2:30pm Free Express @ Barfly Party hip-hop featuring resident DJs, turntablists and breakdancers 10:30pm-2am £2 (NUS) All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesey Club: motown, funk, disco Popscene: Indie Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!!

9:30pm £2.50 (NUS) Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am £2 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Cheapskates @ Metros Go on, get yourself a musical education!

Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code 9pm-2am Machine Meadow @ Moloko ‘Widescreen dancing music with a whiff of weird.’ With DJ Noel Gardner, long-time music writer for Buzz and NME, among others. Expect frenzied, freaky dancing. Support will be provided by the smiling faces of Meadow disc jockeys and Underpass.

Free Boomshanka @ The Toucan (Downstairs) The new night at the Toucan dedicated to late 60s/70s Acoustic Soul and Hippy Funk with a sensational new session band backing special guests as well as DJs playing anything from Crosby Stills & Nash to Little Feat, Joni Mitchell and The Beachboys.

Contemporary Drama Wales @ Chapter Arts Centre Ghost City, by Gary Owen This dark, empowering and sexy performance sees Cardiff stripped of its graffiti and hubbub, leaving what’s important behind – its people.

This is street talk, literally. Today till Sat. 8:00pm £7.50/£5 Solid Silver 60s Show @ St. David’s Hall The original artists bring you hit after hit in this brilliant sixties show.

7.30pm £17-19 Live @ Barfly The Benjamins + The Caves + Texas Radio Band. 7.30pm-11pm £2.

Thursday04/03

Live @ Barfly Passport Show: Gary Numan Did you win a ticket?? Rocknight @ Barfly Classic rock night. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS) Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, Dub, ska. Doors: 10pm £3 (NUS) Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, D’n’B, breaks. Drinks promotions all night. 9pm-2am.

Free before 11, £1 after Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and R’n’B. 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Shag-tag @ Bar X Free before 12, £2 after Thursdays @ Exit Club Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3:00 Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, ska, reggae Gordon Southern, Ray Peacock, Milton Jones, Noel Britten @ Glee club £10.95 incl. food or £5.50 just for the laughs.

Bill Bryson’s Down Under @ Chapter Arts Centre (Venue 1) A brand new adaptation of the best selling book, offering a fascinating insight into Bill Bryson’s travels in Australia.

7.30pm £13/£10 (Meal Deal £17: See the show and enjoy a meal in the Sherman Restaurant for just £17 per person. Meal Deal tickets must be purchased at least 24 hours in advance.)

Prom Cymru presents @ The Toucan New night with live bands, DJs and interactive visual effects. Artistes t.b.c And: The Super Furry Animals DJs present- ‘Rubbish’. Come and check out some of Wales’ finest, spinning some seriously dodgy tunes but mixing them beyond recognition and transforming them in their own extreme way. W elsh National Opera @ The New Theatre Madam Butterfly

by Puccini. Sung in Italian with English surtitles. Today and Saturday. 7.15pm. Student standby tickets on the night from 6:00pm.

The Wonderful West End @ St. David’s Hall Enjoy the best of the West End’s musicals at this magnificent concert featuring the hit songs from best-loved musicals. With stunning costumes and brilliant arrangements, this will be a night to remember! 7:30pm from £10.50

Listings

March 1 2004

Page 31

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy

Friday05/03

Live @ Barfly Passport Show: Super Furry Animals. Aren’t you gutted you didn’t enter now?! Mad4it @ Barfly Indie Classics, baggy beats, party tunes, legendary sounds 10:30pm2am £3 Full Fat @ Moloko Full flavoured party, funk, hip-hop, breakbeats, motown, retro disco, and electro boogie. Is there anything they don’t play?! Free before 11pm Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am Fridays @ Bar Ice Funky house and good grooves. 8pm-2am Free Higher Learnig @ The Toucan This month featuring MC Skinnyman and DJ Flip from Mudfamily (Taskforce fame). For those who’ve yet to attend a HL night, expect the best MCs, Turntable wizards and break dancers in town, and a peaceful community vibe! DJ Krissy downstairs providing the sublime selection.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Eastern Lane, Tenderfoot, Red Pony. 8.pm £5.00 The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10.pm £3 Antidote @ Clwb Ifor Bach funk, soul, disco, brokenbeat. 11.pm £3/£2.50 Christopher Rees and Red Eye Music @ Chapter Arts Centre A one-off concert to launch the longawaited debut album by acclaimed Welsh songwriter and vocalist Christopher Rees, and a preview of the audio-visual soundscapes of Red Eye Music.

‘Pumped up and snarling but managing to wrench beautiful tunes out of the wreckage.

This is seriously amazing stuff.’ - NME of Christopher Rees. Tonight and Sat, 8:pm £7 W elsh National Opera @ The New Theatre Wednesday 3 & Friday 5 March at 7.15pm Hansel & Gretel by Humperdinck, Sung in English. Wed. and today 7:15pm.

Student standby tickets from 6pm on the night.

A Tribute To Eva Cassidy @ St. David’s Hall A tribute to the wonderful voice and music of the late Eva Cassidy, who lost her battle with skin cancer in 1996 at the age of 33. A percentage of the proceeds will go directly to the UK Macmillan Cancer Relief Fund.

7:30pm, From £8

Where?

Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box Office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place: 02920 878889.

The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History&Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street,Cardiff Bay: 02920 256757 C B AT Gallery 123 Bute Street, 029 2048 8772 National Museum and Gallery Cathys Park, 02920 397951.

Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 02920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999 Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays) Clubs Stylus

Saturday06/03

Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco 10:30pm-2am £3 (NUS) The Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) Alternative Hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk and punk with Osymyso.

Doors: 11:30pm £3 (NUS) Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro.

9pm-3am Al Murray – The Pub Landlord @ The Sherman Theatre (Venue 1) Following the phenomenal success of his 2003 national tour, The Pub Landlord is on the road again. The voice of the decent, hard-working, tax-paying, ordinary people will offer his own heady brew of British Thinking and common sense. £16.50/ £14.50 7.30pm Saturdays @ Stylus Sexy, funky House with Dave Jones, Gareth Cortez, Tim Russell, Ian Dundgey,Funk Mafia Rick Latham and Matt Meehan. 10pm – 4am £10 / £8 Saturdays R Sexy @ Owain Glyndwr More R’n’B than you can shake a stick at. With Vibe 101’s DJ Raheem on the turntables. Strict dress code applies on both nights : no hoods, caps, trainers, gents must wear a collar. They say: ‘This is a new venue so make an effort !’

8-2am. Free b4 8:30pm, £1 b4 9pm, £2 b4 10pm, £3 b4 11pm, £4 after. Got that?

The Mothership Convention @ The Toucan The Funk Federation presents ‘Pep Le Pew’, this one has been a long time coming, but we’re glad to have them! Also, on the decks is Mr Paul Lions, and Krissy in the downstairs lounge.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach TNT, Gwenno 8.pm £5.00 Reload Sessions @ Oz Bar Basement 8pm The Elvis Collection @ St. David’s Hall Starring Billy J McGregor in concert, boasting to have over thirty of the finest songs from the 50s, 60s and 70s. 7:30pm £10 Live @ Barfly Passport Show: Supergrass.

Even more gutting if you didn’t win.

Golate (Off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (Club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jack’s Millenium Plaza Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millenium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut&Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary Bar Med The Friary Henry’s

Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (Wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans, Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (Wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (Philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (Gay pub) Mill Lane W alkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Cliffton Street The Owain Glyndwr (Formerly RSVP).

St Johns Street

Sunday07/03 Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a CLEVER DICK @ The Taf My pal Emlyn’s team has won a combined total of £725, not bad!

Pub Quiz kicks off at 7:30. £3 per team Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris £3 Taboo@ Moloko World music till 12midnight Free entry Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3 Acoustic Bite @ Journeys Atmospheric acoustic 11am-midnight DJ Joe Gulis @ Walkabout The Acoustic Lounge @ The Toucan The best local singers songwriters and musicians play in an informal Setting with open mic sessions from 8pm til 12.30am

Chapter MovieMaker Premieres presents A presentation of short films by independent filmmakers for independent film-makers on Monday March 1st at 6.30 pm.

Come to Cinema Two for screening and join us later in First Space for an informal discussion.

Admission is free and all are welcome. Bring along your short films on video if you’d like them screened!

Chapter MovieMaker members benefit from the following: Chapter’s one-stop shop for all your film-making requirements: light, sound, camera, editing Invitation to training courses and industry guestspeaker events Discounted cinema tickets Regular news and updates via email Invitation to attend and screen your own short films at Chapter MovieMaker premieres To find out more or to join Chapter MovieMaker please email ChapterMovieMaker@hotmail.com, or call Chapter Cinema department on 029 2031 1050.

Chapter Cinema 2 Mon: 6:30

CinemaWeek Chapter Arts Centre

The Cuckoo (12A) A gentle, quietly powerful drama set in September 1944 just days before Finland pulls out of World War II. Anni, a Lapp reindeer-farmer whose husband was drafted four years earlier, takes in two refugees from opposing sides.

Mon – Wed: 8.30, Thurs: 2.30, 6.30 Girl with a Pearl Earring (15) A compelling screen adaptation based on the best selling novel about the intriguing story behind one of Vermeer’s best loved paintings.

Mon - Thurs: 6.15, Wed: 2.30 Trilogy: One (15) Hugely ambitious, vastly accomplished, Lucas Belvaux’s trilogy – three feature films, handled in three very different cinematic genres (police thriller, romantic comedy, marital melodrama) – represents one of the most ambitious and formidable achievements in recent film-making. The narrative unfolds in a single city, Grenoble, over roughly the same time frame, and features the same cast of six characters. Viewed separately, the three films are first-rate examples of contemporary French-language cinema; together, they offer a viewing experience of unparalleled richness and depth. – Edinburgh International Film Festival.

Catch the next two installments over the next couple of weeks.

Special Offer See all 3 and save money. All 3 for £6 (NUS) One: On the Run (Cavale) Belvaux himself takes the leading role in the first of his trilogy, as Bruno, an unrepentant terrorist just escaped from prison and determined to continue the bombing campaign he initiated fifteen years ago. Keeping one step ahead of the law, he nevertheless encounters resistance from an unlikely source. Agnès, the morphine-addicted wife of the cop who’s trying to bring him in.

Mon - Thurs: 8.15 Ten Minutes Older: The Cello (15) A compilation of eight, ten-minute films made on the theme of time passing by some of cinema’s greatest directors. Jiri Menzel’s wonderfully warm study of time’s influence both in friendship and in the cinema itself should strike a chord with movie lovers everywhere.

Tues, Wed: 6.30, Thurs: 8.30 Sylvia Sylvia tells the true story of the relationship between two of the twentieth century’s most admired poets, Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath.

Beginning with their courtship as students in Cambridge, the film follows the course of their marriage as it spirals into a vortex of bitterness, infidelity and even violence – a sequence of events which over the period of a few short months produced both the astonishing outpouring of work which would make Plath famous, and the profound mental distress which would lead to her suicide at a tragically young age.

I wouldn’t bother though. Both the Plath and the Hughes estates refused to participate with this film in any way- not a good sign!!

Fri: 6:15, 8:00, Sat and Sun: 8:00 Barbarian Invasions (Les Invasions Barbares) Denys Arcand’s latest reunites characters from his 1986 film The Decline of the American Empire. When Rémy, divorced and in his early fifties, is hospitalised. His son Sébastien reunites the merry band that marked Rémy's past around his father's bedside: relatives, friends and former mistresses. What have they become in this age of "barbarian invasions"? Are the old irreverence, friendship and truculence still there? Do humour, hedonism and desire still inhabit their dreams?

Fri, Sat and Sun: 6:30 Together With You (He Ni Zai YiQi) From the director of Yellow Earth and Farewell My Concubine comes an unashamedly sentimental rites-of-passage tale. Xiaochun is a shy and sensitive thirteen-year-old, who lives with his father in a small, provincial Chinese city. A talented violinist, music is his way of expressing his feelings.

His father wants the best for him, so they move to Beijing so that Xiaochun can audition for a prestigious music school and take lessons that befit his talent. As Xiaochun meets demanding teachers, discovers true friendship, falls in love for the first time, and comes to understand the meaning of music, everybody is telling him what they want from him – and he must figure out what he wants for himself.Chapter Cinema 2 Fri, Sat and Sun: 8:40 Amélie You ought to know by now... it’s an amazing film, go and see it!!

Chapter Cinema 1 Sun: 5:00

Matt’s Problem Page

Page 32

March 1 2004

grproblempage@cf.ac.uk : Because Picket Lines impede deadlines

Problem of the Week for a small boy with a pointless Wet todger to be getting changed.

I can't change in the swimming baths to save my life. Even if there's only a few people there I find it really hard to get undressed and I'm not sure why.

It's really starting to make it awkward with my mates as we go quite regularly and I go weird for a while. Even if I'm in a cubicle it makes me really paranoid because I keep thinking someone will just walk in and laugh at me.

I've not even got a problem with my body so I don't know what it's all about. What do you think I can do to get over it? I find it really hard to tell my mates 'cos they'd just laugh at it and stuff.

Hope you can help.

Name and year withheld I remember being but a small child, and having the indignity of having to change with my mother in the female changing rooms prior to a swimming lesson.

Without knowing anything about female anatomy other than lumpy bits and *possibly* the lack of a few bits and pieces (no offence mum), it came as a great surprise to me when I opened the curtain (being the inquisitive little shit I was) to see these great big boobs staring at me. Now these great big breasts were not my mother's, and thus I became intrigued. Of course, being a small insignificant child this woman was not perturbed, and being a small insignificant child I had no idea that boobs were in fact, great. Had it have been now, it would raise ethical questions primarily concerning my being in the ladies changing rooms. Back then, it was alright

Handy Tip of the Week

This has no relevance whatsoever to you though.

I'm sure you're not alone in your fear of being naked, especially in the plaster-ridden tiling that is the local swimming pool's changing rooms. I'd be a little weary myself I think the man sat in the corner was always a tad peculiar, and the sight of your mates' arses may also raise those ethical questions once more "why is it so fucking hairy?!" etc. What is vital is your confidence in these situations. As I'm qualified as an amateur psychologist I may consider Physical Education as a catalyst for your problem. I can still smell Lynx and wet boys when I think of those days, you know, when the beast whose voice broke at 11 shows everyone how hairy he is and the small chap sits in the corner trying his best to hide his white bits.

It's a sad situation, as Elton would probably say, and although those days pass quietly and quickly, the trauma of something similar may have stayed with you for this amount of time.

Why not put your swimming trunks on before you leave for the baths? That way you can just pull your trousers off and run. The tassels hanging down may also look cool.

Just think about something nice (but not THAT nice - this may create more difficulties) and get on with it. No-one cares really, noone's crawled along the roof insulation to have a look, and no-one has left a bag in the corner with a camera running. Honest.

Matt

Name:______________ Email:________________ Tiebreaker: If you were to write a Eurovision song contest song, what would the title be? ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ____________

One's diet would suggest an ample serving of carbohydrates, found significantly in one's fondness for cheap and cheerful pasta dishes. However, this sometimes reflects badly upon my bowel movements, often culminating in desperate measures being undertaken. In point, the Union toilets, at around 1am, after a few drinks. Now, I'm not one to get squeamish, as I find that to be pointless when you're pushing cloth and there appears to be no other option. Therefore, I trundled in to the gentlemen's, and quietly waited for the next latrine to become available. Soon enough, it was, and I was relieved. I could barely walk for fear of dislodging the children, and thus was exercising a greater amount of caution in operating my belt buckle.

However, this was all to be in vain as I placed the "poo-seat" down. See, some BASTARD has PISSED ALL OVER THE FUCKING SEAT. Not just a few splashes of "Let's see if I can curl this one in without having to lift it up" (yeh, you lazy shit), a FULL-ON, "LET'S PISS ALL OVER THE FUCKING SHOP" piss, resulting in both me having to TOUCH this person's wazz and having to CLEAN this person's wazz. So you see, any pleasure derived from dropping the kids off was to be quashed, because certain people (incontinent or not, I do not care) cannot adequately use their penis. So, I must now suggest that this week's handy tip, is to a) Clean up after yourself or b) Sit down whilst taking a whizz.

And if you're going to vomit on the poo-seat, then you are clearly obliged to do something about it.

I bet you never piss all over your mother's toilet.

To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple, yes purple, competition boxes around the union.

Last week’s winner: David Marcus

This week appears to be a problem page special, because the number of alcohol related predicaments has sharply risen to three. If you hate your housemate, or you're just bored, then wiggle your digits about on a keyboard and I'll see what I can do.

Matt Hill Laura’s away this week, hence I have stolen the crossword for this week only.

Be careful with my page.

Binge Dear Matt Growing concern in my house has led to three of us conjoining to write to you in the vain hope it will reach the right eyes. One of our housemates (no names but he knows who he is) has started to drink far too much. He drinks to excess when we go out, and even if we're just all having a quiet night he's got a six pack on the go. To top it, last week he got through a huge bottle of Smirnoff in three days, even though he had lectures every day and had to be up early.

Realising that everyone drinks all the time at uni, we have thought that maybe he just likes a drink, but at the same time he has begun to separate himself from us, getting wasted and going to bed, or just sitting in the corner asleep. We just want to kick him up the arse, so we thought it best to tell him anonymously as to remind him that it's probably going to be a good idea to cut down and calm it down.

Yours sincerely, Three worried housemates, Cathays Bosh. Drinking. Without wanting to repeat themes so frequently, this week has indeed become that problem page special (By the way, "Matt's Problem Page" sounds a bit shit, so come up with a better name and I'll give you 50p). We're told to drink so

Thief!

Dear Matt, This is not so much a problem for me, more a warning that I thought would be better with you than Letters. The other night me and my mates were out having a laugh, a few drinks and a dance. We were all stood near some seats and these two guys came over asking for a light. The one that asked me for a light was talking to me for a while, and then just as my other mate came back from the toilet, I noticed my pint had gone. My mate noticed that the one who wasn't speaking had my pint and had downed about half of it.

When he saw us looking he put it back and then both walked off. We tried to find them afterwards but they'd gone on to the dance floor so we couldn't see them for shit. Basically, I think people like that should have their balls ripped off, so I just wanted everyone to know that if it happens to them they can kill them.

Cheers Anon, 3rd year I'm all excited now, not to say in the least bit pumped. I get fresh so easily these days. Anyway, Letters would print it. Why does

often because we're told that if we drink a lot we'll become better people. Suddenly we will become attractive, or more liable to throw bodily fluid around. We're told that if we drink all the time that we will get more friends.

Remember, it's cool to get waffled. Not to say I can separate myself from this majority, because drinking is fun, it makes things go away and it makes me think I can write a better page.

It's nice to see you're concerned, but I don't think it's the drink that presents the problem in these cases. Stating the obvious, I know, but to be reliant on drink may constitute a deeper problem. Maybe your faces depress him. Perhaps he is conducting an experiment upon the effects of alcohol. More likely, he's a bit down so thinks that drinking will perk him up. It will, for a while, but you can't maintain that feeling without wanting more - leading to vomiting and PISSING ALL OVER THE POO-SEAT (see Handy Tip). No point being blunt if you're not going to act in person. If you replace the Vodka with turps you'll see a drastic decrease in consumption (unless he dies, in which case, you're fucked and I didn't say a word).

Vodka bottles also make the best Molotov Cocktails - what with their handy grips and snug hole for that tea towel you just doused in lighter fluid.

Alternatively, threaten him with eviction and/or break every single fluid receptacle in the dwelling.

Matt

everyone dislike sending stupid things to Letters? Mind you, as I choose to keep Politics at arms length, poor Janine gets stupid letters about that. So I'm only good enough for stupid letters am I? Not to say that Letters doesn't get stupid letters though.

So, some scallywag pilfered your pint on the snide. You just can't do that. Honestly now, can we just take a step back and look at this picture. You're having a lovely evening and some goddamn tramp steals your pint under the pretence of getting a light. This is perhaps a reason to stop smoking, of course, but then the NHS would probably argue a stronger case than I. Either way, you've done the right thing in coming to me dear person of Anonymity. This is why everyone with a camera phone should probably try and take a picture of a pleb and email it to me, and then I'll print it, duly creating a Source of Amusement ™.

If anyone actually manages to send a picture of a complete cock to me, with a decent justification, I'll make a new section for next week. Promise.

In conclusion, deceitful obtaining of anything is naughty. I'm glad that you've raised the issue.

If you think that anyone is going to steal your drink, then PLEASE put a nasty substance in it.

Matt

Just a snappy (of sorts) announcement to people listening to Xpress Radio (107.2) the next few weeks. If you're into ska, then do try to listen to Ska Studded, Miss Ella's show, Sunday nights when available. It's like punk, just hornier.

Also, Saturday nights in may well be enjoyed whilst listening to Tall Mark's Sonic Assault (oh yes), where the big man may well be playing some metal/rock/punk/mindless noise for you 9-11 every Saturday throughout the broadcast.

“

The step from second team to first has been hard for Rabjohns Ben Wright

”

Matt Kay, Cardiff Uni football 1st XI Captain, February 2004 John Charles tribute

Issue 757 21 March2004 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

Back Page

Page 34

Go Karters start season - page 34

BUSA and IMG results. Below Page 33

ROUND-UP IMG FOOTBALL RESULTS NETBALL IMG

Pos

Premiership

Netball Results 25/02/04

Premier CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 'B' 14 - 7 COMSOC LAW 'A 15 - 14 PSYCHOLOGY ECONOMICS 6 - 4 LAW 'B' PHARMACY 'A' 13 - 11 CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 'A'

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

3

1

0

7

9

2 Mathletico Mad.

4 3

2

0

1

6

3 FC Real

4

2

0

2

3

6 6

4 Law A

3

2

0

1

0

6

5 Afro Carribean

1

1

1

-1

4

6 Carbs A

3 4

1

1

2

-2

4

7 Gym Gym

3

1

0

2

-2

8 Earth Soc

4

0

1

3

-6

3 1

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Economics

4

3

1

0

5

10

2 Christian Union

4

3

0

1

5

9

Football Results 25/02/04

3 Jomec

4

2

2

0

8

8

4 Chemsoc

4

2

1

1

2

7

5 Accountancy

4

1

0

3

-5

3

6 Irish FC

4

1

0

3

-5

3

7 Lokomotiv Eng

3

0

2

1

--1

2

8 John Jenkins

3

0

0

3

-9

0

1 Momed

I MG Pos

Division 1

I MG Pos

Division 2 P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 The George FC

3

3

0

0

11

9

2 Account. Stanley

4

3

0

1

2

9

3 Uni Hallstars

3

2

0

1

2

6

4 AFC History

3

1

1

1

2

4

5 Myg Myg

3

1

1

1

-2

4

6 Bute Park Utd

3

1

0

2

-3

3

7 Law B

3

0

1

2

-3

1

8 Athletico Roy

4

0

1

3

-6

1

I MG Pos

Division 3 P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Carbs B

4

3

0

1

7

9

2 Optometry

4

2

1

1

11

7

3 Cathays FC

3

2

1

0

5

7

4 Pharm AC

4

2

1

1

1

5 Planderlecht

4

2

0

2

-2

7 6

6 Japsoc

4

1

1

2

5

4

7 English Soc

4

1

0

3

-17

3

8 Xpresston NE

3

0

0

3

-7

0

IMG

FC Real 3-1 Carbs A Entertainment value: 6/10 FC Real: Matt Stone 8, Hywel Griffiths 6, Martyn Evans 8,Gareth Evans 7, Daniel Evans 6,Jonny Marsh 9 Adam Perry 8, Dave Murray Jones 8, Steve Abrams 7, Tom Workman7 Carbs ‘A’: James Beattie 6, Paul Anscombe 6, Pete Bramwell 6, Lee Tasker 6, Ryan Brignall 7, Andy Sargeprick 7, Chris Jones 7, James Evans – 6 Robin Imeson7, Matthew Gorbo 7 Mark Ely - 6 Star man: Jonny Marsh

Premiership

Pos

P

W

D

L

GD

4

0

0

26

12

2 Cardiff Uni B

4 4

3

1

0

23

1 Pharmacy A

Pts

3 Cardiff Uni A

4

2

0

2

12

10 6

First CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 'C' 5 - 15CARBS 'B' CHEMSOC 8 - 13 THE MARINES CARBS 'A' 13 - 5 GYM GYM CPLAN 15 - 10 MEDICS

4 Law A

4

2

0

2

-6

6

5 Psychology

1

2

2

-2

5

6 Economics

5 3

1

0

2

-5

3

7 Comsoc

4

0

2

2

-19

Second SOCSI -POSTPONED- OPT. 'B' CHRISTIAN UNION 8 - 16 OPT. 'A' ENGLISH SOC. 7 - 7 SAWSA PHARMACY 'B' 15 - 5 XPRESS RADIO

8 Law B

4

0

1

3

-13

2 1

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Carbs A

4

4

0

0

35

12

2 Carbs B

5

4

0

1

33

12

Premier MOMED 3 - 1 GYM GYM AFRO-CARRIBEAN SOC. 2 - 1 EARTH SOC. CARBS 'A' 1 - 3 FC REAL LAW 'A' 2 - 0 MATHLETICO MADRID

3 Cardiff Uni C

5

3

0

2

14

9

4 Chemsoc

4

2

0

2

19

6

5 Gym Gym

4

2

0

2

5

6

6 The Marines

4

2

0

2

-8

3

First LOKOMOTIV ENGIN 3 - 3 JOMEC CHEMSOC 2 - 3 ECONOMICS CHRISTIAN UNION 2 - 1 IRISH FC JJFC 1 - 2 ACCOUNTANCY

7 Medics

5

1

0

4

-20

3

8 CPlan

5

1

0

4

-54

3

Second THE GEORGE FC 4 - 0 ACCOUNTINGTON STANLEY UNI HALLSTARS 0 - 3 AFC HISTORY ATHLETICO ROY 2 - 5 MYG MYG BUTE PARK UTD FC 2 - 1 LAW 'B' Third JAPSOC 1 - 2 CARBS 'B' ENGLISH SOC. 1 - 0 XPRESS RADIO PHARM AC 0 - 4 OPTOMETRY PLANDERLECHT 2 - 3 CATHAYS FC

Football Fixtures PREMIERSHIP GYM GYM v MOMED CARBS 'A' v FC REAL LAW 'A' v MATHLETICO MADRID AFRO-CARRIBEAN SOC v EARTH SOC. DIVISION ONE LOKOMOTIV ENGIN v JOMEC CHRISTIAN UNION v IRISH FC CHEMSOC v ECONOMICS JOHN JENKINS FC v

ACCOUNTANCY DIVISION TWO ATHLETICO ROY v MYG MYG UNI HALLSTARS v AFC HISTORY BUTE PARK UTD FC v LAW 'B' JOHN JENKINS FC v ACCOUNTINGTON STANLEY DIVISION THREE JAPSOC v CARBS 'B' ENGLISH SOC v XPRESSTON NORTHEND

I MG

Perhaps it was the bitterly cold weather, or just a collective New Year’s resolution to be nice to one another, that meant that this game passed without any of the drama of the last meeting.

Both Carbs A and FC Real needed a win from this match to sustain any hope of catching league leaders Momed, but the game started sluggishly.

The ball was often in the air, and the only goal threat in the opening 15 minutes came courtesy of a speculative bicycle kick from Real’s Jonny Marsh.

Slightly against the run of

Division 1

Pos

I MG

Division 2

Pos

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Optometry A

5

4

0

1

30

12

2 Socsi

4

2

0

0

23

12

3 Pharmacy B

5

3

0

2

7

9

4 Christian Union

5

3

0

2

5

9

5 Optometry B

3

2

0

1

9

6

6 English Soc

5

1

1

3

-3

4

7 Sawsa

5

0

1

4

-21

1

8 Xpress Radio

4

0

0

4

-50

0

PHARM AC v OPTOMETRY PLANDERLECHT v CARTHAYS FC Netball Fixtures CPLAN v THE MARINES SOPHIA GARDENS 2:00pm GYM GYM v MEDICS SOPHIA GARDENS 2:30pm CARBS 'A' v C.U. 'C' SOPHIA GARDENS 3:00pm CHEMSOC v CARBS

IMG FEATURED MATCH: FC Real v. Carbs A

By Thom Airs

By Beca Murphy IMG Chair

play, Carbs opened the scoring on 24 minutes as Paul Anscombe stabbed home an Imeson corner.

Within a minute the Business School team had the chance to double the lead from the penalty spot, but Ryan Brignall emulated Chris Waddle by powering the ball over the bar.

After the restart it was FC Real who made all the running, and on 66 minutes their persistence paid-off as Dave Murray-Jones restored parity with an excellent goal from the edge of the area. Five minutes later James Beattie in the Carbs goal did well to parry

'B' SOPHIA GARDENS 3:30pm ECONOMICS v C.U 'A' TALYBONT 1:30pm LAW 'A' v C.U. 'B' TALYBONT 2:00pm PSYCHOLOGY v LAW 'B' TALYBONT 2:30pm PHARMACY 'A' v COMSOC TALYBONT

3:00pm PHARMACY 'B' v OPTOMETRY 'A' TALYBONT 3:30pm OPTOMETRY 'B' v SAWSA TALYBONT 4:00pm XPRESS RADIO v ENGLISH SOC. TALYBONT 4:30pm CHRISTIAN UNION v SOCSI TALYBONT 5:00pm

English Society beat Xpresston... I am in shock! Nice one boys.

English Soc’s captain, Ned Riley, was the wonder that scored the winning goal! Xpress Radio also lost netball to Pharmacy ‘B’ 15 – 5, never mind!

Owain Adams, of the Momed Massive, managed a hat-trick against Gym Gym, and won 3 – 1. Momed are looking like the Champions to me!

AFC History won their first match in the last six against Uni Hallstars; the game ended in a 3 – 0 victory to the Historians. Lokomotiv Engin drew against Jomec, showing that the two teams are equal in their footballing abilities!

The George screamed ahead of Accountington Stanley, with a winning score of 4 – 0, all by Brooks. Cathays FC won their match against Planderlecht by a close 3 – 2 scoreline.

The Netball Prem saw two very close matches as I predicted last week between Psychology and Law ‘A’ and Pharmacy ‘A’ and C.U. ‘A’.

Law just about squeezed one more goal in than Psychology, resulting in a 15 – 14 win to Law. Pharmacy also won their match by 13 goals to 11. I’m predicting that the IMG Crown will this year go to Pharmacy ‘A’. Will anybody stop their road to victory? Both Carbs ‘A’ and ‘B’ won their games against Gym Gym and C.U. ‘C’.

English Soc drew 7 – 7 against Sawsa. Finally Cplan, found plan ‘B’ and won their match against the Medics 15 -10.

This season’s IMG rugby league is setup for a grandstand finish, with a number of teams in the running for top spot.

The top three teams, SAWSA, GYM GYM and Carbs A, all share 10 points from seven games whilst Pharmacy and Masta, with the added advantage of a game in hand, hover closly behind.

With the top four teams qualifying for next month’s cup competition, there are going to be some crucial matches taking place on the fields of Pontcanna and Blackweir in the coming weeks.

That’s all folks. ‘Till next time!

IMG RUGBY

Steve Abrams’ header, but couldn’t do enough to deny the striker a goal from the Cup and plate competitions begin on March 10th rebound.

Real were beginning to reap the benefits of some concerted P W D L GD Pts pressure and their third goal fin- Pos 7 5 0 2 n/a 10 ished the tie as a contest. Pete 1 SAWSA 7 5 0 2 n/a 10 Bramwell in the Carbs defence 2 The George FC misjudged the bounce of a long 3 Uni Hallstars 7 5 0 2 n/a 10 ball and could only watch as 4 AFC History 7 4 1 2 n/a 9 Marsh ran through to poke the 5 Law B 6 4 0 2 n/a 8 ball over the onrushing Beattie.

6 3 0 3 n/a 6 Despite their bright start, 6 Athletico Roy Carbs were taught a lesson in 7 Myg Myg 7 2 1 4 n/a 5 team-work by a physical Real side who can now look forward For all BUSA results, check out the to an exciting end of season website at www.cardiffstudents.com run-in.

I MG

RUGBY

Sport

March 1 2004

Page 34

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Bursar aiming for six appeal Postgraduate stars for Welsh women in narrow win

By John Stanton Deputy Sports Editor CARDIFF UNIVERSITY student Katherine Lenaghan is currently representing Wales in the women’s Rugby Six Nations Championship.

Swansea University graduate Lenaghan, 22, is competing against her sport’s elite while, remarkably, combining such sporting adventures with a Postgraduate degree in Social Work in Cardiff.

Her busy schedule, which includes playing for the Cardiff Quins, owes even more to the success that she has had in a relatively short space of time.

And prop Lenaghan was involved in the recent thrilling 14-13 defeat of Ireland in Limerick.

“We’ve played two games so far.

We run alongside the men so,

whomever the men play, we play.”

“We played Scotland and lost 30-10 in Cardiff and last weekend I travelled to Ireland and we won 14-13.”

Welsh international Lenaghan

Lenaghan has considerable experience, having been capped 24 times at senior level but international commitments prevent her representing the university.

She does, however, benefit from the bursary scheme it offers, designed to support Cardiff’s outstanding sportspeople.

Lenaghan is pleased with the scheme.

“With the bursary I can have physiotherapy, and little things are taken care of such as the provision of contact lenses, little things I would never have thought of.”

“It makes a real difference what the bursary does for me, it is really useful.”

Following the hard fought victory in Limerick, Lenaghan will be commencing her Six Nations battle against France at Cardiff Arms Park as the fight for the title intensifies.

Golfers on course for play-offs

By Thom Airs Deputy Sports Editor CARDIFF’S MEN’S GOLF TEAM are heading towards the Premiership play-offs and the national Championship Cup after finishing top of the league.

The away fixture against Swansea University ended 3-3, crowning the team winners of the Western 1sts 1A division.

The eight man squad gained the point they needed from the match to seal their place in the cup competition that combines entrants from Scotland, England and Wales.

Playing singles scratch matchplay, the uni team showed the ability that had seen them open up a three point gap at the top of the table prior to last week’s match.

The team, which includes four players on Cardiff University’s ‘Sports Bursary’ scheme, has now chalked-up two good results over Varsity rivals Swansea.

By re-arranging their playing order and pitting regular number six, Matt

Pope, against Swansea’s talismanic opener (who plays off a +1 handicap) the away side gambled on having an easier run-in.

Despite losing this hard-fought match, Cardiff’s tactics paid off as they notched up subsequent victories thanks to Elliot, Hemstock and Jospeh.

Hemstock, a first year Journalism student, relishes the prospect of stepping up a level in the Premiership play-offs and Championship Cup, "We drew 3-3 away from home thanks to an inspired tactical decision, come on Cardiff!"

Part of the team’s success can be attributed to the influence of psychological coach Keiran Kingston who, when not attending to top European Tour players, helps the University side with the mental aspect of the game.

With seven victories from 10 games, including comprehensive wins over Exeter and Southampton, the team will be confident of raising the profile of Men’s golf within the University as they go into the playoffs and knock-out cup.

US provides fillip for Price after Ryder glory EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

By David Williams Sports Editor With 2004 being a Ryder Cup year, the mention of Phillip Price’s name brings back fond memories for any European golf fan.

Yet the player, whose emphatic singles win at The Belfry in 2002 over American Phil Mickelson, has other goals to pursue for the forthcoming golf season.

Indeed, a glance at the current

European Ryder Cup points-ranking shows that the Newport man, originally from Pontypridd, will need a superhuman effort to force his way into captain Bernhard Langer’s twelve man squad.

However, if Price shows the tenacity he demonstrated during his match against then world number two Mickelson two years ago this season, he may find himself competing in his second Ryder Cup at Oakland Hills, Michigan in September.

For now though, the Welshman’s main aim is clear.

"I want to do well in the Order of Merit and improve my world ranking," claims the 37-year old.

"The main aim this year isn’t the Ryder Cup, but it is still one of my goals."

"I would like to get a US tour card as well."

After gaining some valuable experience of life in the US over his long career, including a second placed finish behind Tiger Woods at the WGCNEC Invitational in 2000, the 1994 and 2001 Portuguese Open winner sees the US as the place to play.

Being a husband and father, Price has been impressed with the American way of life when it comes to golf.

"You play for three times as much money on the US tour," added the rugby league enthusiast.

"They have crèches for the children and the families are well looked after.

It’s just an easier place to be."

Even if Price doesn’t make the cut for the Ryder Cup, his name will go down in history as one twelfth of Sam Torrance’s team who recaptured the gold trophy from the Americans two years ago.

On that occasion, Price’s 3&2 singles win on the final day was overlooked by many after Paul McGinley sunk the putt that sealed the win for Europe.

However, the 2003 European Open winner is not too bothered about McGinley being the centre of attention. "I’d liked to have holed the final putt, but I don’t mind," confessed Price.

"Whoever holes the final putt gets a lot of credit for it, which is very nice.

It was nice for Paul [McGinley] and he made a big contribution to our success."

Despite being what some people may call a ‘journeyman’ in golf terms, Price was overwhelmed by the amount of attention he got following his sensational win over a player who, at the time, was 117 places above him in the world rankings.

"The change was quite amazing," admits the player who currently stands at 52 in the world.

"People want to speak to you wherever you go. I got a lot of press coverage and I was getting a lot more attention because people start to recognise me."

Price, who turns 38 in October, admits that he has no intention of hanging up his golf spikes soon.

"I think I’ll end up playing until I’m 55 or 60 at some capacity, but not in the number of tournaments I play now."

"The downside of golf is the amount of time you have to dedicate to playing, practising and travelling."

"I tend to miss out on the things I like doing outside of golf."

With fellow Welshman Ian Woosnam still in the top echelons of the sport, and a number of pros such as Bradley Dredge and David Park playing on the European tour, coupled with the Walker Cup successes of Stuart Manley and Nigel Edwards, Welsh golf looks to be in a healthy state.

Something that Price is pleased to see.

"I think the standard of Welsh golf is better than it has ever been," said the third-placed 2001 and 2002 Welsh Sports Personality.

"There are more Welsh professionals on the tour now than ever before and I think amateur golf is in a better state than it has been for a long time."

"I think a great job has been done with the Welsh Golf Union."

The future looks rosy for Phillip Price and for Welsh golf.

Sport

March 1 2004

Page 35

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Wright’s weird weekends This week, Ben Wright reaches for his (shuttle)cock and heads for the badminton court TEN MINUTES INTO badminton training and I’m a wreck. My lungs have decided to go on vacation and my legs are on the verge of calling for early retirement.

Thanks to a fantastic catalogue of errors, the batteries in the photographer’s camera died. So yours truly embarked on a nice 20 min run (I am the sports monkey after all) to make sure that there were batteries and ultimately photographs. I returned triumphantly, clasping the batteries proudly in my clenched hands. Only I had gone and bought the wrong batteries. Cue bemused and crestfallen looks all round and another run to the shop.

F**k.

Wright’s weird weekends? More like Sports Monkey’s Mayhem.

Badminton was a sport that I had always had an affinity for,

simply for the fact that it’s easier than tennis, and I could actually return a serve without flapping like an emu trying to take flight. For a change, I felt confident doing a sport. Hell, even arrogant. And when the first serve was lofted over the net by President Adrian Brown, I stood back, poised, professional and swiftly swung at the serve. I missed.

Brown, beaming a cheeky and effervescent smile, tried to conceal his sniggers. The girl on the opposite court, however, could not. But like my sporting heroes, I had to dig deep while the chips were

down. Sadly, if I had dug any deeper I think I would have mined myself to Sydney.

In my defence though, the members of Badminton aren’t exactly mere parttimers. Brown and 2nd team captain Dan Godwin were more than adequate players and, looking around at the other members, they too could certainly handle themselves on the court.

Nearly all of the club members had been into Badminton from an early age, and I was informed that they even have a world-ranked ladies player on their books too.

“You’ve really got to be self motivated to be good at this sport” Brown told me. “It’s easy to learn but hard to master and involves more skill than something like hockey.” Then it hit me, I realised that I wasn’t training with the intermediate group or even the novices. I was playing with the big shots. And after a while, my game started to improve a lit-

GO CARDIFF PHOTO: JOHN EMERSON

tle. (Meaning that I actually hit the shuttlecock) The team spirit is somewhat comical, enthusiastic and very infectious. From the club motto of “Have it you yeti bastards” (I have no idea either) to some amusing anecdotes about their recent debauched shindig in Nottingham. It was great to be around such a bunch of characters.

However, with no coaching staff and little time for developing the skills of newcomers, perhaps it isn’t the sports club for the beginner. If you want somewhere you can learn a new sport and develop basic skills then try something else. If however, you’re more into getting fit, laughing so hard that it becomes almost a form of exercise in itself and meeting some of the most life-affirming people in Cardiff University then Badminton is definitely the AU sport for you. Maybe me too.

Ben needs a lie down

Next week, Ben will find out if women have any place in the “man’s game,” with ladies’ football.

Optometry ref is blind

By Martyn Thomas Reports from the IMG THE DUST MAY have settled over the Varsity Challenge but it seems that there is a storm brewing in the IMG with teams upset at poor refereeing.

Just as referees in the Premiership are under renewed scrutiny, it appears that the ineffectiveness of new FIFA directives has rubbed off on those in charge in IMG. The case in point came in the game between Pharm AC and Optometry. Pharm AC striker Alex Tabram received the ball in the box but as he shaped to shoot, he was the victim of a cynical hack. However, the referee showed his ‘loyalty’ towards his teammates and waved play on. Tabram couldn’t believe the decision, “I’m sure it was a penalty, I heard and felt a knock – I think they heard it in Tesco car park!”

Teammate Charlie Jones added “I understand that IMG is meant to be fun, but these games are in danger of descending into little more than jumped up kick-abouts.” This isn’t the first time Pharm AC have found themselves victims of biased refereeing, two weeks ago they were made to play an hour in the second half, until their opponents Japsoc equalised.

IMG players simply want to have a good ninety minutes, but referees should be urged to show a degree of common sense and bravery in making decisions.

GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT

GR SPORT FOLIO Jean Lin University Badminton team

By James Cooke

By Robert Larque Go-Karting correspondant THE WAITING WAS finally over for the Cardiff University Motorsports club as the British University Karting Championships 2004 got underway.

Cardiff A welcomed back veteran Simon Matthews for Race 1, but his race was effectively ruined on lap 2 when he became an innocent victim of an accident at turn 4. Matthews recovered well, but after a re-fuelling mishap could only come home in 30th.

Likewise for James Lumley, who suffered a similar fate to Matthews

when he was innocently caught up in somebody else’s accident on lap 4.

Lumley, struggled with another two spins before finishing 23rd .

Rob Larque recovered from a careless spin after 6 laps, but was unlucky to finish 25th after unfairly being given a 20 second ‘Stop-Go’ penalty after a reckless overtaking manoeuvre by a rival.

The B team had a less eventful, but ultimately more successful day. Dan Gandesha survived a turbulent race with no spins to finish 18th, and this was followed up by a good debut drive for Chris Williams.

An aggressive start developed into a sensible race, but was unfortunately hampered by a slow puncture just before his pit stop. Williams finished 27th.

Team Captain Lloyd McGeochWilliams made an impressive start, climbing to 6th from 25th on the grid after lap 2, but he couldn’t escape the wrath of the stewards, however, and was also given a ‘Stop-Go’ penalty for cutting a corner at the start tand finished a disapponting 13th. There are still 5 rounds to go, and Cardiff will look to build on the 22nd place overall in order to stay out of trouble.

DESPITE THE inevitable consequences of a celebratory night at Rubber Duck, first team captain Jean Lin is in a buoyant mood as he completes the result card for Wednesday’s narrow victory over Surrey. “We drew four-all, but on games won we won 9-8” he explains, a result that sees Cardiff into the second round of the knockout stage after having finished second to UWIC in the league competition.

Cardiff uni badminton is on a bit of a high, with the second team also qualifying thanks to a third-place finish in their league and an 8-1 win on Wednesday, and the success of the ladies’ team documented here in October. Lin, a second year computer science student, is quick to acknowledge the strength and flexibility of the squad that achieved this. “We’ve got about six or seven players in the first team but it’s difficult to get people to every game. We’ve had to call up a lot of second team players, which gives everyone a chance and we’re playing well.”

Having played since the age of 10 and represented Wales at junior level

with a spell of county badminton, Lin is a talented skipper and is relishing the experience. “It’s pretty good, a bit of responsibility to sort the teams out and make sure everything’s okay, but I’m enjoying it.” Supplementing his uni badminton with regular matches for Penarth, there is clearly plenty of opportunity in the area, though he confirms that Bath is the dominant force of the South. “If you want to you can play five times a week; we’ve got a big club though, and it’s proving tricky to get everyone together at the moment.

We’re trying to change that”.

Lin will have to hope that things run a little smoother on the court as the team aim to win the next four knockout fixtures to progress to the finals in Birmingham. At this stage securing a home draw is half the battle with teams from across the country involved.

Given that badminton is clearly such a popular sport at university it is perhaps surprising that media coverage is so restricted. “The major event in the UK is the All-England Championships and that’s one of the biggest tournaments in the World, we usually try and go to that and if you’re lucky there’s a bit of coverage on Sky Sports 3.”

gair rhydd

BEN WRIGHT

ON THE TEE

This week Ben gets a hold of his cock with the badminton team See page 35

gr sport speak to Welsh golfer Philip Price See page 34

ALL SET FOR A SHOWDOWN JOHN CHARLES 1931-2004

T

The women’s volleyball team cruised to a convincing 3-0 win over Nottingham in the BUSA championship. Ellie Beattie’s squad will now travel to Loughborough as one of the eight teams competing to become UK champions.

Green ensures cup progress

By Jon Tuscany Football Corresspondent Cardiff 1sts 6 - 2 Newport 1sts Cardiff 1sts progressed to the quarterfinals of the Welsh Cup after a comprehensive 6-2 victory over their Newport counterparts.

Newport, relegated from the league above Cardiff, were simply outclassed by a side who finally delivered a performance, after disappointing

recent results against Hartpury and Swansea.

Brian McGovern hooked in a free kick after 25 minutes on his first team debut, capitalising on an excellent start.

It took until just before half time for Cardiff to double their lead.

Si Green, finishing after Mike Rabjohns, had flicked on an Orral Nadjari goal kick.

Newport pulled a goal back shortly after half time, a rebound neatly tucked away after Nadjari failed to hold a long shot.

Three goals in five minutes then effectively

ended the game as a contest, with Green, Lucas and an own goal confirming Cardiff’s superiority.

Newport registered another consolation before Green completed his hat-trick.

He finished off the move of the game, after nimble footwork and a raking 40-yard pass from Ian Platt fed McGovern, whose cross was inch perfect for Green to head home.

Cardiff will now meet the winner of the Bangor 1sts match against Cardiff 3rds, who secured a thumping 8-0 victory over Newport 2nds. Cardiff 2nds also progressed defeating Swansea 3rds 1-0.

here is no doubt that since the dawn of football in the modern age no one player was as prolific in two positions on a pitch as John Charles was.

But, it was only in his later years in Wales and Great Britain that he was honoured and recognised as one of the true greats of Welsh, British and world football.

Nonetheless, since his death on 21st February people have come to realise just how much of a gentleman ‘The Gentle Giant’ was, on and off the pitch.

The feat of never being booked or sent off represents just how much of a sportsman Charles was.

Having been born in the football hotbed of Swansea in the 1930’ and grown up alongside brother and fellow Welsh international Mel, it was no surprise that his talents were noticed before he had even pulled on a Swans jersey.

He was whisked off to Leeds United where he would break the club’s goal scoring record and achieve legendary status. His feat of 42 goals in 1953/54 still stands and is one that will surely never be beaten.

A transfer to Juventus, to many, signalled an end to his free scoring days.

But 93 goals in 155 matches gave him a God-like stature amongst Juve fans in a league where Cattenacio was the mainstay of defensive tactics.

Further spells at Leeds, Roma and Cardiff brought an end to a long and successful professional career.

A career that also included a run to the World Cup quarter-f inals with Wales in 1958, an achievement that, had it not been for Pele, may have brought another medal to Charles’ collection along with his three Serie A titles.

Living in Yorkshire in his last years and suffering ill health before his death, ‘Il Buon Gigante’ was honoured with a CBE and the freedom of his home city Swansea although many have said that a knighthood for John Charles would have been a better reflection of the way he conducted himself during and after football.

As Danny Blanchflower, captain of the great Tottenham double-winning side, said of him. "When he moves into position for a goal chance it is instinctive. My feet do not do my thinking for me as they do for a player like John Charles. That is why I can never be as great a footballer as he."

Wales has lost one of its greatest and most loved sportsmen; there will surely never be another quite like him.

By David Williams

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMANS IN PETERBOROUGH ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ANGLING ‘99 WAS FRANKLY DISAPPOINTING■CORNWALL: HOME OF THE GUNNERS■WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR LIP, RAT?