gair rhydd - Issue 760

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INSIDE

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

gair rhydd takes a closer look at the truths behind self-harm Investigations p4

rhydd IMG free word - EST. 1972

ISSUE 760. MARCH 22 2004

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CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

After the most controversial season in years, Sport analyse the final matches

Burglars hit two Cathays houses on one night - but leave the same footprints behind

PHOTOS: Gemma Griffiths

SNEAKERS FOOTPRINT: Evidence left behind

By Peter Bramwell News Editor

VICTIM: Andrew Furnace

THE BURGLARIES of two Cathays houses on the same night have been linked by police after footprints at both crime scenes were found to match.

But because the evidence found in both houses is unsubstantial, the culprits have still not been brought to justice.

After leaving their house in the early evening last Friday, tenants at 36 Gordon Road were shocked on their return around 10pm to find that burglars had broken in.

However, the thieves only made off with a laptop after being disturbed by people knocking at the front door.

They entered the house through a rear bedroom window on the first floor. It is believed they accessed the property after scaling neighbouring garden walls.

One victim, second-year Law student Andrew Furnace, 20, said, "It’s definitely made us feel less safe since it happened. We are just thankful that we didn’t get anything else stolen. It could have been much worse."

The next morning, a police forensic officer found a footprint of a trainer on the outside window ledge,

but informed the victims that they were unable to take a dusting because of the quality of the surface, and could therefore take no evidence.

That day, however, police informed the housemates that they had found a footprint matching the one left at their house.

On Friday evening, burglars also robbed a house in Cathays, which we have left unnamed, and left footprints matching those at Gordon Road.

But police have not been able to make an official link between the two robberies because of a lack of evidence.

At the time of going to print, both crimes have been left unsolved.

WINDOW: Point of entry

News

Page 2

March 22 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

a glance

News Editorial Letters Taf Od Interviews Environment Competitions Media TV Listings Comedy Problem Listings Sport

1 6 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 23 24 25

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss EDITORIAL AND OPINION A.J Silvers SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS James Anthony INTERVIEWS Rob Plastow GRAB Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr, Angharrad George MEDIA Gary Andrews COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund PROOF READERS Rob Sharples, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Alys Southwood, Rosalyn Dewey CONTRIBUTORS Thom Airs, James Cole, KerryLynne Doyle, David Morris,David Doyle, Cara Fulbrook, Bethany Whiteside, Ali Bulloch, Will Dean, Fatiha Ali, Jennifer Dunkerley, Lisa O’Brien, Beca Murphy, Laura Chamberlain, Paul Dicken, David Jarmain, Gary Andrews, Alys Southwood, James Emtage, Olygydd Taf-Od, Ifan Rhys, Owain Sion,

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Debt-ly danger

THE BEST

By David Doyle Reporter THE UGLY side of student debt was brought to light this week after Harpal Liddar, a student at Sunderland University, was sentenced to 180 hours community service for the theft of almost £4,000.

Liddar, 24, stole the money to pay back debts he owed to violent loan shark Carl Barnsley. 23-yearold Barnsley terrorised Liddar with threatening phone calls and text messages, and later turned up to Liddar’s home armed, once with a hand gun and once with a 20,000 volt stun gun.

Liddar accessed the money while working on the phones for Barclays Bank and was traced after his victim contacted the bank in July.

The police searched Liddar’s home and found £1,300 stuffed in his wardrobe. He also made a statement against Barnsley which led to a police raid on his south Tyneside home.

Police found an arsenal of weapons including 500 rounds of military-style expanding bullets.

Barnsley’s computer also showed that he had been accessing Islamic sites via the internet to collect data on al-Qaeda.

Despite his crime, Liddar was commended by Judge James Pyke who said: "It is thanks to your cooperation that that man has been convicted of serious offences.”

However, the nature of Liddar’s crime could mar the reputation of the student community. One Cardiff student feared that "the increase in tuition fees can only lead to more crimes like this", ultimately leading to the segregation of students from the community.

PHOTO: Ali Bulloch

At

CARBS: produces happy graduates

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter FOR THE second year running the coveted title ‘Business School of the Year’ has been awarded to Cardiff Business School.

The award, given by Business Britain Magazine saw Cardiff Business School beat 100-plus UK schools to the post.

Cardiff fulfilled the judges’ criteria, which included standard and quality of teaching, cost effectiveness and value for money, resources available to students, and the variety and flexibility of the MBA programme, which is one of the first in Britain.

CARBS wins coveted award

Quotes of the Week "I think I’d like to act in Gladiator, or Braveheart, or something with fights and battles" David Beckham: if he’s lucky they’ll let him ride a horsey

"Once I was leaving a movie theatre and was mistaken for Michael Jackson."

Marilyn Manson: Shouldn’t have had his hand up a twelve-year-old

The glowing report stated, “Cardiff Business School stays ahead of the game by continually adapting and updating the MBA.” In the latest assessment, Cardiff Business School was rated excellent for teaching (Accounting) and awarded a five rating concerning its research quality.

Little wonder then that there are 10 applicants for every place at present.

One second year Business student commented on the quality of the course, “It was the reputation of Cardiff Business School that made me want to study here and as a result my degree is going to be worth so much more.”

Investment and jobs from merger

By Cara Fulbrook Reporter THE IMMINENT merger will bring a wealth of jobs and investment, it was revealed at the annual meeting of the University Court last Friday.

Vice-Chancellor David Grant stated that “merger will create a university with some 5,000 members of staff, a little over 20,000 undergraduate and postgraduate students, and an income of some £250 million.”

He went on to disclose that employment possibilities at the university will increase, as “based on ambitious targets for research expansion, established indicators support a forecast of more than 1,000 additional academic and support posts by 2010.”

Dr Grant, said the merger was backed by an investment package of £60 million. The benefits of which are already visible; including the recently announced £10 million brain-imaging centre, funded mainly by the department of Trade and Industry.

Also highlighted at the meeting were the Centre for Economic and Social Aspects of Genomics, which will increase understanding of the impact of new genetic technologies, and the Cardiff Institute of Tissue Engineering and Repair, which will help to improve the diagnosis and treatment of problems associated with tissue regeneration.

Other milestones achieved by the university, such as the £2 million extension to the School of Psychology, and numerous major national awards, including a knighthood for Professor Martin Evans, Director of the School of Biosciences, received accolades.

LOCALFOCUS How many people work here?

There are between 15 and 20 girls.

How long has this place been running?

It’s been six months under new management but it used to be called A Touch of Class.

What products and services do you offer?

This is a massage parlour, or you could call it a health studio. It costs £60 minimum. It costs £90 for two and £120 for a two-girl show. We’ve got a Jacuzzi and it’s free to use once you pay the door entry.

A SOAPBOX FOR THE VIEWS OF CARDIFF RESIDENTS

What proportion of your clients are students?

At the weekend it’s about 30 per cent. I don’t believe students are skint, you all seem to have a lot of money.

Do clients have to be protected?

Yes of course, we insist on it.

Is there anything else you want to mention about the business?

It needs no promotion, no special offers, just word of mouth.

NAME

ABYGALES

AGE

6 MONTHS

OCCUPATION LOCATION

MASSAGE PARLOUR WOODVILLE RD

News

March 22 2004

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

With only three months to go until the summer ball, and speculation mounting about this year’s line-up...

I S I T ANDRE?

?

By David Morris Reporter A TOP LONDON university may be cancelling examinations this summer as a result of the AUT marking boycott.

Students at University College London would not be able to progress from one year to the as a result of the action.

It is believed the marking boycott will lead to delays that the university will not be able to recover from.

The action is the result of disputes over pay and a new salaries network the AUT is currently locked in.

It is feared it is not just the students who will suffer. The head of UCL said in an email to his staff that the action would “do enormous damage not only to the students affected but to UCL’s international reputation.”

When questioned, one professor said, ‘The strikes are wrong.

University lecturers are under-paid, over-worked and highly stressed but it is not fair to take industrial action when students are at risk.”

Officially, the action is supported by the National Union of Students.

Rumours are rife that Peter Andre will be headlining this year’s summer ball in Cooper’s Field.

The Aussie star, who shot back to fame during the reality TV show, I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!, is the hot favourite to dazzle the 7,000 party-goers, combining old and new material. A union spokesperson declined to comment on the news, stating “The line-up is expected after Easter, at this stage there is nothing further to add”.

The popular decision to return to

Cooper’s Field has already prompted a large amount of ticket sales, with many more expected before the Easter recess. This year’s event will feature three major showpieces – a club marquee, a live arena and a cocktail and bar marquee – covering a full range of music and entertainment. Other attractions will include an outdoor cinema and circus performers.

But by far the biggest change this year is that the bars will open at 4pm – a three and a half hour advance on previous years. This is because organisers want to create a summer carnival effect.

The Union has assured potential punters

that drinks will be "very reasonably priced", after several of last year’s party-goers complained of extortionate prices at the CIA. Communications and Community Officer Emma Bebington said, "It’s great to be bringing the Summer Ball back to its former home in Cooper’s Field after several years indoors. The sense of occasion is strengthened by the eye-opening surroundings of the castle grounds and the fully fitted marquees, providing the perfect way to spend a summer’s evening. This is not an event to be missed."

Tickets are on sale now from the Students’ Union Box Office, priced at £34.

Vent or repent

Online survey launched to save lives

By Fatiha Ali Reporter THE NATIONAL UNION of Students (NUS) is supporting a campaign launched by British Gas that hopes to bring students’ attention to the dangers of carbon monoxide poisoning.

The Vent or Repent campaign wants to help students realise the dangers and take measures to protect themselves from something which could potentially kill them.

The campaign kicks off with an online survey for students and a viral game at www.ventorrepent.co.uk.

Students can assess their property and the risk it is at from carbon monoxide poisoning by filling out the online survey. The results will then be collated and used as part of the NUS’s Health and Housing Campaign later this year.

The campaign also offers prizes for top scorers on the viral game. These include PSA 128 max digital audio

PIC:Gemma Griffiths

UCL scraps exams

By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor

Get your gas appliances checked players, Phillips DVD players, Phillips CD systems and Phillips MP3 players.

Fifty people are killed every year as a result of carbon monoxide poisoning and hundreds more are injured. It is known as the ‘silent killer’ as carbon monoxide can’t be seen, tasted or even smelt.

Many landlords can get away with renting out substandard housing that is unsafe because they are not properly licensed.

This leaves students in the ‘at risk’ category.

NUS Vice President (Welfare), Verity Coyle said, “The NUS hopes this innovative campiagn will attract students to play the game and take part in this survey. NUS wants a real insight into the depth of this problem.

All students have the right to safe, secure and affordable accomodation.”

Chris Bielby, Head of Quality and Standards at British Gas said ‘Staying in a rented room or flat is all part of the university experience. It should be enjoyed in safety. We hope everyone will enjoy the game but raise awareness of how to get a safer deal from their landlords.

Nadia Rahman, a second year biochemistry student at Cardiff concluded, “It’s a good idea. It took me five minutes to complete the online survey but that seems like nothing when it’s teaching me about something that could end up killing me.”

For further information and British Gas enquiries please contact Clare Welsh on 0131 344 6862.

Journalism ethics

By Will Dean Reporter STUDENT MEDIA hit the headlines this week in the United States after an article published in a campus paper provoked a huge row between the university and journalist’s union.

Long Island’s oddly named Seawanhaka found itself at the centre of controversy in January, after printing the academic results of the Student President on its front page.

In turn it blamed the president’s resignation on these ‘poor’ results.

This minor incident has managed to ignite debate in the ethics of journalism and the freedom of the journalistic press.

Justin Grant, editor of the paper and author of the story, obtained the grades from a faculty professor who encouraged him to print them, causing greater concern to the university.

Grant was subsequently fired and the locks changed in his office.

As a response the Society of Professional Journalists has sent a taskforce to the school to try and resolve the issue of journalistic freedom. The university have accused Grant of breaking federal rules on personal privacy.

Investigation

Page 4

March 22 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Making sense of self-harm

By Paul Dicken Reporter

gair rhydd directory

SELF-HARM is hard to ignore.

Recent media representations such as the film Secretary and the channel four soap Hollyoaks, along with the continuing emergence of statistics that make selfharm rates in the UK the highest in Europe and estimate one in 10 teenagers self-harm, mark a growing awareness in society.

The release of statistics revealing that seven women self-harm to every man, suggests that the problem is widespread. Children as young as seven have been reported to harm themselves. Since 1980 self-harm among young men has doubled, while broad groups of people such as female prisoners and Asian women have been identified as ‘at high risk’ of self-injury.

Such general categorisations, numbers and media representations cannot really provide an understanding of self-injury beyond the superficial or single view.

On March 30, a two-year National Inquiry into self-harm will be launched focusing on 11-25 year olds, with specific aims including: ‘To educate people and raise awareness about self-harm’ and ‘To shift towards a non-alienating culture for people who self-harm’, with further aims that will improve the organisations working with people who selfharm.

Sam Hayder from East London spoke about his experiences with selfinjury. Sam, 19, told how the first time he self-harmed was just before his 17th birthday, after his girlfriend was killed in a car accident. “I came home and was just really angry at the other driver – I was really punching the wall. I didn’t stop until I’d broken my wrist. I didn’t know what I was doing. You know when you get really angry and you go and just punch a wall or something like that – this time I couldn’t stop myself.”

Self-harm is often associated with profound emotional pain, with the expression of feelings that are diffiUniversity Switchboard

cult to cope with and cannot be expessed in any other way. When people start to self-harm it may coincide with a difficult period in someone’s life such as bullying, parental, bereavement or anything else that may cause someone distress, pain and confusion.

He described how he can go for long periods where he doesn’t feel the need to do it, but when he’s upset, he feels he’s not good enough, or feels that something is his fault, he’ll try other things, but he finds self-harm to be a last resort in coping with how he feels.“I think where I’m concerned I have this deep pain – the only way to ease that pain is to cover it up with another pain.” He suggested that he felt people might not understand that feeling.

The lack of faith in how others perceive self-injury is one of the problems the inquiry will try to tackle. The feeling that you might not be understood and the often difficult paradox-

“I have this deep pain - the only way to ease that pain is to cover it up with another pain.”

es of self-harming contribute to the problem. While most people probably do find the very thought of hurting yourself scary and unnatural.

In the Observer last year, a feature on self-injury contained the line: “nothing healed me the way cutting did”. This type of description may make perfect sense to someone who has experienced self-harm, the contradictory nature of what is being said can be hard to grasp. The gap between the emotional and mental state, and the physical action becomes almost non-existent in self-injury. It is often the physical pain that helps to heal the internal pain, as Sam puts it: ‘I don’t enjoy pain, and I don’t enjoy the sight

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Finnbarr Graham President Rami Goussous Societies & Union Secretary Mike Rabjohns Finance & Commercial Services Emma Bebington Communications & Community Natasha Hettihewa Equal Opportunities & Welfare Billy Lee Academic Affairs Tristan Thomas Gair Rhydd Editor Tom Brown Athletic Union President NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS Raymond Motsie Black & Ethnic Affairs Officer João Martins International Students Officer Lee Gregory Gay & Bisexual Mens Officer Sarah Rennie Students with Disabilities Anna Gruffudd Welsh Affairs Officer Caralyn Richards Women’s Officer Nitin Garg Postgraduate Officer Karen Sharp Xpress Radio Station Manager Alex Macpherson Gair Rhydd Deputy Editor Phillip Moody Athletic Union Vice President Bethan Skelton Athletic Union Vice President Beca Murphy IMG Chair STUDENT SERVICES Position Unfilled Student Liaison Officer Keith Cronin Transport Assisiant Huw Roberts Translator John Steele Training & Development Co-Ordinator Student Advice Centre JOB SHOP Jayne Howorth Unistaff Co-Ordinator ATHLETIC UNION Nick King Sports Development Co-Ordinator Marian Coxshall AU Administrator Adrian Evans Rugby Development RECEPTION Glenys Willacott Reception (Morning) Karen Clissold Reception (Afternoon)

of blood, it’s a way of getting rid of what’s making me feel bad, even if it’s only for a few moments.’

Sam freelances in computing, but spends a lot of his time being project director for the self-harm web-site he has created called ‘Equilibrium’.

After launching in February the site, that has its contents written by its users, has been a big success: ‘Equilibrium came about because there was a massive need for really good, simple advice and information to be on one web page.

Research has also highlighted a correlation between people who selfharm and ‘family members or friends who engage in the practice.’ To suggest that if you know about self-injury you’re more likely to do it, would probably take a lot of research to prove and may further isolate those people who self-harm, while the majority of web-sites provide much needed support to those who use them. Sam’s experiences offer the opposite side of the argument: ‘When I first started I thought I was the only person in the world.’ A long term friend to Sam, who he’d known for four years used to self-harm at the same time he was doing it, and neither of them knew about the other until recently.

Self-harm cannot be pigeonholed to certain trends or age groups; it is evidently something that affects a broad number of people in various ways. Other broad explanations regard self-harm as a way of ‘validating’ suffering, by causing a physical manifestation of inner pain. Also, self-harm often provides a sense of control over something that cannot be controlled.

The aspect of control has been shown to mean self-harming is very different to the action of suicide. A spokesperson for the university’s Student Counselling service stated that “at one time self-injury was viewed as a suicide gesture but research has shown it to be distinct from suicide.” Although there is a physical danger associated with selfinjury. If people self-harm under the influence of alcohol or drugs then the usually measured and controlled infliction of pain may put people at

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The University Health Centre 47 Park Place GrahamF 02920 874 810 GoussousR1 Director of Student Services RabjohnsM 47 Park Place BebingtonE 02920 874 669 HettihewalL1 Student Advisory Services 47 Park Place LeeB5 02920 874 844 ThomasT4 Dyslexia Resource Centre BrownT3 Second Floor, 45 Park Place 02920 874 528 MotsieM Careers Service MartinsJ2 02920 874 828 GregoryL4 Students with Disabilities/Specific Needs RennieS 02920 874 610 GruffuddA Day Care Centre RichardsC 02920 874 135 GargN2 Student Advisory Service SharpK 02920 874 844 MacphersonA3 Nightline MoodyP1 148 Colum Road SkeltonB1 02920 223 993 MurphyB2 Academic Registry 02920 874 404 GriffithsR FACILITIES CroninK RobertsH Park Place Fitness and Racquets Centre 02920 876 706 SteeleJ Talybont Sports Centre Advice 02920 874 675 Llanrumney Playing Fields HoworthJ1 02920 777 377 RESOURCE CENTRES KingN2 CoxshallM Opening hours in Semester EvansA12 Mon to Fri 8.45am - 9.30pm Saturday 10am - 5.30pm Reception Sundays (Arts and Social Studies, Reception Law and Trevithick only) 12 noon – 5pm

risk of accidental death. But one of the common myths that self-harm is a step towards suicide or is an attempt at suicide can be considered universally false in the sense that the two actions are quite distinct.

The inquiry into self-harm also

“More than half of selfharmers face negative attitudes from healthcare staff.” hopes to generate a non-alienating culture for people. In 2002 research highlighted that “more than half of all self-harmers are discharged without psychiatric assessment and face negative attitudes from healthcare staff.”

And a study that interviewed young people who had experienced mentalhealth care said that “all too often they feel that medication is relied on as a main treatment.”

The same study stressed that the young people felt it was paramount they were being listened to by health professionals, and their problems being explored. The spokesperson from Student Counselling suggested that some medical responses can be unsympathetic, but often they are nonjudgemental and empathic, something that Student Counselling try to achieve in how they deal with selfinjury. That people find self-harm to be an outward expression of internal pain and confusion means that being able to talk through problems is very important.

The expression of self-injury seems to offer further reason for a greater emphasis on talking cures and a shift away from a dependency on drug orientated treatment in mental-health that can be potentially damaging to some people. One of the major problems in trying to achieve a situation where people can see counsellors or

psychiatrists is the waiting time. A lack of resources and funding in all areas can mean people have to wait a month, almost definitely more through the NHS, to speak to a professional.

More immediately there are several alternatives to self-harm that individuals can create for themselves. Websites are often a good source for this type of information with suggestions ranging from: using a punch bag or physical exercise to vent frustration or anger, rubbing ice on the body to recreate the sensation of physical pain, to writing a diary / journal, talking to someone (not necessarily about selfharm), and scribbling with paints, pens or creating artwork.

The inquiry will be launching its own web-site on 3o March at the address given below. Other support and advice can be found on the links below and Student Counselling at 47 Park Place.

Web-sites

www.selfharm.tv Equilibrium site www.selfharmuk.org.uk Inquiry site from 30 Mar www.bbc.co.uk/health/mental/emotional_selfharm www.cf.ac.uk/uwcc/dstu/co unselling www.nshn.co.uk - National self-harm network

Phone numbers

02920874810 – University Health Centre 02920874966 – Student Counselling 01242578820 – Self Harm Alliance 08457660163 – Mind info line

gair rhydd weather courtesy of the BBC

CARDIFF MEDIA AWARDS 2004 Set in the beautiful Hilton Ballroom, this is the night where we recognise excellence in the Cardiff University media scene. Celebrity judges choose the very best journalists, broadcasters, photographers and filmmakers, rewarding them for another stunning year. Entry forms are available from the union. Even if you’re not entering it promises to be an impressive night, with an opportunity to hobnob with many contacts from throughout the Welsh and UK media.

Tickets are available from the box office and initial demand is huge. Price includes wine reception, three-course meal and dancing, followed by an after show party.

May 1 2004, 7.30pm Cardiff Hilton £28

Editorial & Opinion

Page 6

March 22 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

By Tristan Thomas . gair rhydd Editor

I

s it possible to hold a position of power without being criticised? The reaction to Gordon Brown’s budget was remarkable given the economic success Britain has enjoyed over the last few years – he was panned fairly universally.

The climate that the current Sabbatical team now experiences shows many parallels – while students are quick to criticise, it is perhaps worthy of note that this year has not been the disappointment many critics seem to suggest.

Election time always brings with it a bout of barely disguised animosity to the exec currently in power.

rhydd EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

Candidates with fresh ideas and ideals are quick to pick holes in whatever they have tried to do.

It may sound jaded and rather cynical, but the harsh reality of running the union is that there are many barriers that prevent you from achieving your goals. In making our excuses we often seem to be wagging our finger at the perennial stumbling block – restrictive finances. But this is the tip of the iceberg. If you can avoid controversy with the staff, the draining effect of the red tape surrounding student politics and the occasional intolerant student, you’ve done pretty well already.

But of course, everyone thinks they can do the job better and that is what drives Cardiff Students’ Union onwards with each cycle of Sabbatical officers. Time will tell if the incoming team are as good as their word.

(a)pathetic

By Gary Andrews

I

rritating as they may have been, it may surprise you to learn the election candidates out harassing you on every street corner over the last fortnight were human beings wanting to make a difference in your lives.

I use the word surprise because for some reason the students of Cardiff seem to think that anybody running for a union position is fair game for abuse. At best you get looks suggesting candidates are the scum of the universe. At worst I got told to "Fuck off and die of AIDS," which left me shaken.

The most irritating people of all are those who think it’s cool not to vote. These are usually the people who claim voting won’t change anything before whinging about the quality of those elected. Well I’ve got news for you. Voting can make a difference.

The ballot box is one of the few means of legitimate direct action we can take and if we make our voices heard loud enough we can drive through change by this method.

By including a RON box which enables you to register your dissatisfaction at the quality of candidates, Student Union elections are actually more progressive than national election If both students of Cardiff and the population in general got off their arses every year, and once every 4-5 years at the general election, and actually voted according to their political convictions as opposed to choosing the most visible man then maybe we’d actually be a little closer

to the definition of democracy rather than the joke that exists at the moment.

Granted, I know how irritating the campaigners can get, which is why I’d like to start winding up with an apology. I’m genuinely sorry if at any point in the campaign I hassled or irritated you. Believe me, as somebody who’d already gone through two years of elections on the other side I know just how irritating candidates can be.

“At worst I got told to ‘F**k off and die of AIDS’” But if you considered me or any other candidate worthy of your scorn for actually standing up to convey how passionate I am about this paper and the ideas I want to implement next year then I am slightly less apologetic. Clearly it’s still not ‘cool’ to have ideals.

To those of you who did vote, regardless of whom for, thank you.

You have made a difference and I’m sure all elected candidates will do their best over the course of next year to justify the trust you placed in them.

The Students’ Union has a long way to go before it’s anywhere near perfection. One small step in the right direction would be for all of you to vote in next year’s elections having taken five minutes just to find out a little bit more about the candidates.

Thank you.

Hail to the Chief

By David Jarmain

T

his November is the US Presidential election. We all know what the incumbent’s like: declaring war everywhere, killing off the environment, denying homosexual rights and so on. So to every overpatriotic American who drives around with bumper stickers saying "I’d rather be shooting communists", the belligerent George is undoubtedly their cup of coffee. Or is he? Is John Kerry actually more deserving of the seemingly much desired title "War President"?

John Kerry has recently emerged the Democrat candidate and has an impressive war record. After Yale, Kerry joined the Navy and became a gunboat officer on the Mekong Delta in Vietnam. He showed much courage in action, surviving several suicidal missions and was heavily decorated.

Oh no! Another war-monger! Well, don’t be alarmed. Kerry returned from Vietnam to become a prominent figure in the anti-war movement and spokesman for the ‘Vietnam Veterans

Against the War’. Kerry is famous for his speech in 1971 before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee: "How do you ask a man to be the last man to die in Vietnam? How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?" In 1984 he was elected Senator.

Quite a contrast to his opponent’s renowned speeches "Vulcanize society," and "Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!".

Despite George’s promilitary image, his personal experience is limited to a period in the Texas Air National Guard. However, this is an American election and so domestic issues will be crucial.

The Republican’s domestic policy has proved appalling. Unemployment has risen dramatically, with the loss of 2.9 million jobs since they took office. Many of these are in manufacturing sectors where their pro-globalisation stance has moved these jobs overseas where workers can be paid far less.

They also run a record $521bn deficit this year, whilst still increasing

military spending by $26.7 billion.

The war in Iraq has already cost $85 billion this year. Aware of the political sensitivity, Republicans aim to reduce the deficit by cutting welfare and environmental protection.

Kerry aims at more protectionism, policies to help the environmental and better welfare provision, especially in healthcare. But with the Republican’s record of swamping their opponents with sleaze, misuse of power and c h e a t i n g running from now right back to Watergate, it’s safe to assume they won’t leave office quietly. As anyone who has read Michael Moore’s Stupid White Men will know, Florida showed that not even the election of their opponent will stop them.

Though the race is close and it’s clearly far too early to call the victor right now, what is certain is that November will prove very interesting.

In the meantime, I’m off to get a bumper sticker of my own: "I’d much rather be out shooting Republicans".

“I’d much

rather be out shooting Republicans”

James Emtage’s English Literature student stereotype

B

oo has just ordered another latte, and is scrambling around in her purse trying to find the £1.80 to pay for it. It was raining this morning, so Tarquin suggested that they go and chill in the coffee house.

To his delight, Millie and Rupes had both had the same idea – and so they all came to staying the majority of the day, deciding to miss their seminar on Keats and discuss his works amongst themselves instead.

‘He was, fundamentally, one of,

Alys Southwood’s

M

y laundry has reached that awful point that I refer to as the ‘Miss America’ stage: unless I take drastic action I will be attired in either ball-gowns or swimwear.

This means that I’ve already gone beyond the early stages of ‘sniff for whiff’ (and even ‘…and then Febreze’) and ‘crap but clean’ where I rummage through the depths of the wardrobe for clothes I thought were cool when I was in sixth form. It means I’m still being punished for my style sins of four years ago and is the most humbling stage of laundry evasion.

Furthermore, it means that I’ve had to resort to desperate measures, because I’m now in the ‘button-

without doubt, the most, unarguably, influential poets of the 19th Century’, says Tarquin. ‘What, greater than Wordsworth?’ gasps Rupes, with a look of horror on his face that would be more fitting in one of Shakespeare’s tragedies than a casual chat with friends. Most of this is drifting over the top of Boo’s head.

She’s often prone to daydreaming, and at the moment she’s thinking how particularly pleased she is with her latest charity shop find. But should she wear it as a large headscarf or wrap it round her waist as a belt? So

versatile. She’s woken, however, to find Millie telling a story about ‘that funny little girl’ in her tutorial – ‘she’s virtually illiterate, didn’t even know who the current poet laureate was!’

Boo sinks back into her leather armchair, adamant that this will be the last time she’ll come for coffee with them. She’s bored of their views and opinions on everyone and everything.

She came to university to free her creative mind not discuss everyone else’s. Will they ever stop criticising what’s been written and perhaps write something themselves?

ROOM 101 down’ stage, better-described as the ‘failed smart-casual’ look, where I try to team (crumpled) interview shirts with combat trousers. It’s not working.

The thing is I’ve never had a system for doing laundry, other than waiting for the situation to get dire and then washing my entire wardrobe over the course of several blasphemy-ridden hours. I miss the days when, so long as I dumped my clothes on the floor, they were magically collected, washed, dried, ironed (I haven’t worn ironed clothes since I unpacked my suitcase in Freshers’ week), folded and loving placed in my cupboard by an unseen angel. So long as I could put up with my mother’s standard harangue no.46 "You treat this place like a hotel…"

the whole process was almost entirely stress-free. Unfortunately my parents live in Hong Kong, so taking my laundry home would be something of a mission.

Laundry is an infuriating chore and the one students can’t get away with neglecting: you can get away with leaving the vacuum cleaner to gather dust; neglected in the cupboard under the stairs; leave your bathroom to fester with mildew and live on take-aways and deliveries rather than wash-up, if you want to.

Neglect to launder your clothing, however, and your life will probably become particularly lonely - unless you decide to abandon your stinking clothes and join a nudist colony.

Until they go into room 101 though, I’m off to find the fabric softener...

Editorial & Opinion

March 22 2004

Page 7

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Fat facts for fat cats

T

By Kerry-Lynne Doyle

he issue of tackling the rising childhood obesity rates in the UK was dealt a blow recently with the government refusing to ban junk food advertising during children’s programming. Proposals for banning junk food sales, such as fizzy drinks, chocolate and crisps, in British schools were also rejected. Instead, the government have introduced a ‘we want your input’ initiative asking for suggestions from the public to tackle this issue. However, does this measure really go far enough to reverse such an alarming problem?

The government’s refusal to take active action on the proposals was not a surprise to me. When interviewed about childhood, and subsequent adult obesity, many MPs emphasise choice:they argue that as a democracy we should offer consumers choice and that it is the consumer’s choice to eat unhealthy food. The government also

protests that from a young age we are taught what foods we should and should not eat. Yet this seems to gloss over the issue. As human beings we are not going to abstain from something just because we know it’s bad for us; that’s all part of its appeal.

The factors that are causing increasing childhood obesity rates run a lot deeper than the matter of choice.

Kids are constantly bombarded with adverts promoting junk food.

Turn on any children’s channel and you’ll see ad breaks dominated by snacks, sweets, and the latest fast food meal tantalising their tiny taste buds with the prospect of a free toy with their calorie fest. I can barely resist an advert for the latest chocolate bar and I’m an adult; how can we expect a five-year-old to resist this constant corporate campaigning?

I’m not arguing that parents have no responsibility in the ever expanding waistlines of British children. They buy the unhealthy food, of course. For many parents, buying their children this food is an easy option. What parent wants to go home after a 12hour shift to prepare their child a ‘well balanced nutritional meal’ when they’re screaming for pizza? I’m not defending this, but as modern parents feeding your children healthy food has become difficult. One of the reasons

that the fast food culture is so popular is because it is cheap. You only have to compare the price of a takeaway burger with the price of fresh fruit and vegetables to see this. So when parents are faced with cheap and quick convenience food in comparison to expensive healthy food that involves effort to prepare, it’s not difficult to see why they choose the fast food route.

“I can barely resist an advert for the latest chocolate bar” Yet it’s not just an issue of calories.

It’s a well known fact that exercise is an important factor in leading a healthy lifestyle and, as we all know, kids are getting lazier. The Playstation era makes the days of playing outdoors seem a very long and uninteresting memory. But this cannot be solely blamed on the parents. Our schools are so bogged down with inspections, league tables and exams that physical

education has become less of a priority. My memories of PE lessons make me shudder; it was a bland cocktail of hockey, netball and cross country usually done in the rain and during freezing cold weather. Not exactly the way to encourage youngsters to pursue an active lifestyle.

It was not until I left school that I found that exercise didn’t have to be a chore, could actually be enjoyed and didn’t have to involve ritual humiliation. So with the sparse appearance of PE in our school timetables and the uninspiring choice of sports that children are being offered, is it any wonder that we have an obesity epidemic?

Overall, childhood obesity is a very complex issue; there is no easy solution. However, I am not convinced that the government’s ‘get the public involved’ policy, is the most effective way to combat it. I think that the issue needs more intervention than that. We need to understand that the responsibility does not lie solely on the parents, the advertisers, the government or any one entity; it is shared. It is through understanding this that the complicated issue can be tackled. Only then can we try to reverse an extremely worrying trend in our nation’s children.

Gangland obsessions...

L

By Lisa O'Brien

ast week another chapter closed on London’s gangland culture with the death of Tony Lambrianou. Notably from his funeral tributes he was a ‘gentleman’ and a ‘good man’, however, the floral tributes failed to mention criminal, ex-convict and henchman to the most notorious criminals in British history, the Kray twins (maybe they ran out of carnations?).

The funeral was attended by London’s aspiring criminal fraternity, decked in black leather, dark glasses and enough ‘bling’ to make P Diddy

look like an amateur, and resembling something of a Lock Stock... convention. Arriving in their chauffeur-driven limos and Bentleys, parading their ill gotten gains, one even had a charming number plate constructed to read ‘GUNS’. And yet this pitiful display of misplaced loyalty for a lowly criminal is worthy of national news coverage. I would question if these sad aging relics of a by gone era should be commemorated in such a way, or if they should be relegated to some forgotten archive like other stains in history.

It is undeniable that ‘gangsters’ are big business. Indisputably there seems to be a perverse glamour about the guns, drugs, and violence so closely associated with the criminal fraternity.

And Britain’s notoriety for organised crime (the Krays, Jack "The Hat" McVitie, Ronnie Biggs to name but a few), has made our film industry a melting pot of gangster movies. For a

time it seemed as if every other film and book was dedicated to romanticising these moral bankrupts and social derelicts.

“being lured into this seedy underworld...”

Neither, it seems, can you turn on the television without being lured into this seedy underworld; even on trusty EastEnders we were lulled by cheeky Phil and Grant Mitchell who were always involved in something a little shady to say the least. But it doesn’t matter ‘cos’ they love their ol’ mum. It appears that everyone has a story to

tell, especially when there is lucrative publishing deal and D-grade celebrity status to be had.

And here is my problem. I’m not so ignorant so as to think that what we see on the big screen is a mere work of fiction, or that it is going to encourage us all to go out buy cut throat razors and start talking in cockney rhyming slang about ‘the family’. Nor do I think that us girls are currently perusing the inmates list of Wormwood Scrubs looking for an aging gangster to become molls.

However, I do feel uneasy about giving these criminals celebrity, or even more disturbingly, hero status. It cannot be forgotten that they made their money through protection rackets, drug trafficking, and fraud, and were not too averse to a good bit of violence, not to mention the occasional torture and murder. And yet Charles Ingram was not allowed to profit from the infamous ‘cough’…

Student Rant

T

Jennifer Dunkerley

here are several things I’m having a rant about at the moment and I want to share this one with you.

Relationships… whether its true love or just sexual attraction, everything ends, and it’s becoming more and more obvious that people just aren’t being honest with each other anymore.

Why do people pretend its something its not and then lie through their teeth when it comes to finishing it? "It’s not you! It’s me!"- blah blah blah!

My best mate was effectively told to piss off in a text message, and a certain sexy on-screen idol was dumped via a post-it note. What’s going on? Are people just too intimidated nowadays to look you in the eye and tell the truth? Rambled silences and mumbles of “I really just need some space” effectively mean, “look, I just want to sleep with other people”. And why not just say it?

Because that’s exactly what you are going to go out and do anyway.

“Girls, it does not make you sound like a slut to say this...”

Girls, it does not make you sound like a slut to say this to a bloke. And blokes… for once just chuck away the spade, move away from the hole, get face to face and be honest. Deciding not to call again or giving some halfhearted excuse about ‘not enough time for a serious relationship’ drives me crazy! I would much rather know the score from the absolute beginning.

It stops you wondering about the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘what nows’ because you already know. It makes it easier to move on.

Maybe in some false and pretentious way being lied to makes you feel better at the time… for about five minutes. Why kid yourself into believing something was something it wasn’t. Be strong, hold your head up high, cop the truth and walk away guilt free. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not promoting casual sex and I recognise its dangers, but I’m not condemning people admitting it either if that’s what they want to do. At the end of the day, life is too short and you can’t start to enjoy it until you learn to see the truth.

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 350 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Letters

March 22 2004

Page 9

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page

Just so y’all know, I will no longer be printing any letters that say “I bet you won’t print this”. I will print anything, but I’m not so easily duped by a bit of basic reverse psychology. You’d do better to ask nicely.

Janine Jones

Complaint

Dear gair rhydd, I write in response to the article in gair rhydd (March 1 2004) entitled "Is the NUS losing its grip?

The simple answer to this is no, and I will explain why.

The pattern of disaffiliation described by the author, Jeremy Townsend, amounts to two affiliate members in total while over the same period of time a further five students' unions have affiliated for the first time. Hardly an overwhelming trend! The article also states that Glasgow, Edinburgh and St Andrew's have chosen to disaffiliate, the second of many inaccuracies in the "investigation". These unions have never been members of the National Union of Students.

Imperial College on the other hand disaffiliated in 1979!

The author also suggests that CHESS (Coalition of Higher Education Students in Scotland) and the Aldwych Group can and do provide an alternative. Firstly there is only one organisation in the country that is routinely turned to, to speak on behalf of students and that is the NUS. Secondly neither of these "alternatives" provide any opportunity for involvement on the part of most students. Nor do these organisations provide training, advice, collective benefits, or indeed campaigns on any issue other than education and education funding.

Students at every institution who have held a re-affiliation referendum on NUS membership have overwhelmingly voted to remain members of the national union.

Recent referenda have seen votes of up to 92 per cent in favour. The message is clear: students want to be members of NUS, believe that membership does offer value for money and believe in collectivism and the importance of having national voice. Students' unions ignore the voice of their students at their peril.

Ross Renton, National Treasurer, National Union of Students

Rubbish

Dear gair rhydd, This is an official rant about rubbish. I know that there are considerably more important things going on in the world than the rubbish of Cardiff students but there we go.

In the winter term, when the nights were drawing in as early as breakfast time, we would put our rubbish out into the alley behind our house, whence it gets collected, around lunchtime on Tuesdays (the day before it goes), because we all finish late on a Tuesday and don't really want to be prowling around an unlit alley at the bottom of the garden in the dark.

Then, one fine day in November a letter popped through the door, which was a demand for £25 from the council, for "contravening local refuse laws" or some similar bollocks. They had even gone to the trouble of fishing out a ripped up envelope, addressed to my housemate, from one of the offending rubbish bags, stuck it to a piece of paper and photocopied it as evidence that it really was OUR rubbish.

Apparently, they said when we

rang to have a whinge, there is a "well known nationwide law" that says that rubbish must not be put out for collection until 4.30pm the previous day. I have NEVER been made aware of such a nationwide rule in my life.

Well all I can say is what a load of SHIT. Have they SEEN the state of Crwys and Woodville Roads?!

Our quiet road off Llantrisant Street is pristine in comparison; what are they doing stalking round a BACK ALLEY where the rubbish doesn't get in anyone's way anyway, charging us for our neat little pile of rubbish that’s about four hours too early when half of Cardiff is drowning in rotting piles of stinking refuse that gets put out any old day of the week?

What really pisses me off is that we spend out on those green bags and recycle all our plastic and glass, and remember to put that out the front every other week, and we do put our rubbish out the back weekly unlike other houses who have piles of it in the front which gets IGNORED by everyone and just sits there rotting.

Anyway, I felt the need to share this story so that other students and general Cathays residents don't get trapped by the nasty rubbish police, who I have to say would be doing a very worthy job IF ONLY THEY APPLIED THE RULES TO EVERYONE! And maybe a flyer sent round at the beginning of every year saying just when the "legal" cut off point is for putting out rubbish...?

I know it happened four months ago but as I spend half my time trying to avoid the dog shit that is constantly smeared over our pavements (do students own dogs? No. Do we get blamed for all the mess? Yes.) I have only just got round to writing in.

Thanks Aggravated fourth year linguist

Gimmicks

Dear gair rhydd, In response to the letters concerning the recent student elections, we would like to express our disappointment at the attitudes of some of you moronic gimps, who are unhappy at the way the candidates ran their campaigns, but at the same time feel you need to get off your moral high-ground and take your self-righteousness elsewhere.

Due to the lack of interest shown towards the actual policies of each candidate the elections become largely about putting yourself out there and getting noticed. It obviously worked and captured your attention. These brave candidates and their teams of "filthy hermits" gave up nearly two weeks of their time to generally make arses out of themselves in order to gain your votes. Now the results are out, surely we should applaud the winners and allow them to get on with the jobs they’re supposed to do, rather than kick them in the balls!

Cardiff Students’ Union has been run by students for students for years and as a result is one of the most successful in the country; would you really prefer it to be controlled by bureaucrats with business experience and no student empathy?

These candidates are prepared to do the job to the best of their ability;

why should we stand in their way?

In true democratic fashion, these positions are open to anyone, if you feel you can do a better job next year – GET INVOLVED! Unfortunately, some of you failed to appreciate the musical genius of Gary Rees’s all-singing, all-dancing supporters. We would like to warn you that they have been offered a multi-million pound recording contract, by none other than Mr Simon Cowell. "I voted for Gary (it was the best day of my life)" can be found in all good record stores as of Monday.

Finally we would like to thank one particularly "stressed second year" for providing us with the band name The Buzzing Faggots, it is possibly one of the funniest phrases we’ve ever heard and couldn’t have come up with it on our own.

Thanks everyone who took the time to vote and congratulations to the winners. Good luck!

Three third years

Caldicott

Dear gair rhydd, Some of your readers will be wondering where the Political Opinion page has gone, and I'd like to enlighten them as to its fate.

Quite simply, the Cardiff Labour Students group made an official complaint under the Equal Opportunities policy of the Union to the President, Finnbarr Graham, because I used the phrase "We should stop pandering to the needs of ethnic minorities" in an article about the unfair discrimination against men in the provision of swimming pool facilities.

I have been banned from using the union facilities before I have had the chance to represent myself.

This is the highest sentence that can be applied to me, and it has been arbitarily applied before I have been "tried". Whatever happened to the concepts enshrined in our country of "innocent until proven guilty" and the right to free expression?

Indeed, it seems ironic that the name of this paper is "Free Word"; under this Executive, you are entitled to whatever view you like as long as it agrees with our view. I think they tried that before... in Stalin's USSR! No matter whether you agree or disagree with what I wrote, our grandparents fought and died to protect our right to say what we like, but slowly but surely a small clique of of people are eroding those rights. People offend me all the time, so does that mean I can start imposing my own sentences on them?

Finally, the sentence applied does not fit the "crime". To put this into perspective, people who decide to have a fight in the union and assault other students are NOT banned from it (much to the despair of the door staff), even for repeat offences.

It is obvious that this is all a concerted effort to victimise me because I hold generally right-wing views.

These people are meant to represent the student body as a whole, and most of the people I have spoken to around the campus, regardless of their own political views, think this is outrageous. If you think likewise, please let the Exec know and send an email to the president at grahamf@cf.ac.uk and help stop the thought police eroding our rights.

By the way, I bet you won't publish this.

Yours, Andrew Caldicott

Official response Dear gair rhydd, The ‘Official’ History Society has noted the development of some debate over its highly controversial employment of its official stamp of approval on ‘Official’ History Society posters, and believed it time to throw in its two-pennyworth visà-vis the offending ‘logo’ or ‘emblem’ in an effort to put an end to this ‘official’ debate. Whilst the ‘Official’ History Society realises that its use of the aforesaid logo may be indicative of the brand-name culture we live in today, and that it may therefore be contributing to the increasing monopoly of a few leading brand-names (think ‘Lidl’).

There are benefits to its assumption of ‘official’ status. The ‘Official’ History Society would like to direct Larry Calcutta’s attention to a number of ‘official’ debates which have caused some trouble over the years: Jesus’ claim to be the ‘official’ son of God, the debate over

whether Charles or Will should be the ‘official’ heir to the throne, the reason for football ‘officials’ inability to referee, and the Iraqi governing bodies indecision over the ‘official’ status of the Shia majority. The consequence/present situation of these ‘official’ debates has been/is, by turn: 2,000 years of war and murder, boredom, inexplicable, and justification for continued American imperialism in the Middle East. The ‘Official’ History Society would therefore like to warn Larry Calcutta of the potential dangers of beginning this ‘official’ debate. The ‘Official’ History Society is both proud of its ‘official’ status, and also its clever use of the ‘official’ stamp of approval on all its events, and warns against any attempts to appropriate this image.

I hope we can now put an ‘official’ end to this debate.

Ned, Third year History and President of the ‘Official’ History Society

Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They are available for collection from the gair rhydd offices, on the top floor of the union building.

Text 07791 165 837

Piss off argyle fan, why would sturrock want to stay at some crap small club in Devon!

I hate jello! "Oh come on there’s always room for jello" Bill "the man" Murray in Ghostbusers II <BR> Plymouth argyle are cheating scum and their fans are inbred. Up the swindon town!

Ive changed my mind – I meant vaginal NOT anal fisting! Please change it, I'm not gay honest.. please GR

If any girls are contemplating getting with a guy called jimmy (4th team footballer) don’t do it! He’s a smelly bastard with genital warts. U’ve been warned!!

Clearly, Janine, realultimatepower.net wins. You know it really.

Much like smoking Binge drinking makes you look cool RE fish letter march 15th.

We will take the fish off ur hands, plz send to talybont north D5. Mmmm, fishcakes………

Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Taf-Od

Tud 10

22 Mawrth 2004

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Uno i Brotestio Cannoedd yn glanio ar y Cynulliad

Gan Olygydd Taf-Od Roedd hi’n oer, ac roedd y gwynt yn fain. Roedd hi’n rhewi dan draed a’r tymheredd wedi plymio i’r dyfnderoedd.

Ac roedd yna ddegau o fyfyrwyr Cymru yn treulio noson yn cysgu ar y llawr o flaen y Cynulliad!

Mae’n siwr nad oedd y Bae erioed wedi gweld y ffasiwn beth – y pafin y tu allan i’r adeilad wedi’i orchuddio efo protestwyr dan eu sachau cysgu, a llawer o fyfyrwyr Caerdydd yn eu plith.

Ond er mor afreal yr olygfa, roedd yr achos yn un difrifol dros ben. Roedd colegau Cymru i gyd wedi uno i gwyno am ddiffyg darpariaeth addysg drwy’r Gymraeg yn ein prifysgolion.

Dechreuodd y protestiadau nos Fawrth diwethaf wrth i Texas Radio Band, Ashokan a Ian Cottrell, ymhlith eraill, ddiddanu’r dorf fawr oedd wedi dod i’r Bae. A hynny er gwaetha’r oerfel a brathiad y gwynt.

Fe benderfynodd y rhai dewr dreulio’r nos honno ar garreg drws y Cynulliad, gyda’r sachau oren arbennig yn cynnig rhyw fath o amddiffyniad rhag y tywydd. Diolch i drugaredd, cadw draw ddaru’r glaw.

Y bore canlynol fe barhaodd y gwrthdystio gyda gorymdaith ar draws y Bae ac yna areithiau gan Simon Brooks, Elin Jones AC, Dafydd Iwan, Cynog Dafis ac Emyr Llywelyn.

Fe roddodd Catrin Dafydd, llywydd UMCA yn Aberystwyth a threfnydd y brotest, araith ysbrydoledig hefyd.

Pwrpas y brotest oedd dangos fod darpariaeth addysg drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg yn hollol annerbyniol yn y prifysgolion ar hyn o bryd. Hynny yw, prin iawn yw’r cyfleoedd i fyfyrwyr allu dewis astudio’u cyrsiau, neu ran o’u cyrsiau, drwy gyfrwng y

Dim golygfa o Faes-B ydi hon, ond o du allan y Cynulliad ar noson rynllyd ym mis Mawrth!

Gymraeg.

Dim ond 0.3% o’r holl arian sy’n cael ei roi i brifysgolion Cymru gan y llywodraeth sy’n cael ei wario ar gyfer hyn. Nid yw Jane Davidson AC, y Gweinidog Addysg, yn fodlon cynyddu’r ffigwr ar hyn o bryd.

Gobaith y protestwyr oedd dod â hyn i lygad y cyhoedd a dangos pa mor warthus yw sefyllfa o’r fath. Maen nhw’n galw am sefydlu coleg ffederal trwy Gymru, gan y byddai hynny yn

sicrhau strwythur a fframwaith sefydlog ar gyfer darparu addysg drwy’r Gymraeg.

A be am y sefyllfa yma yng Nghaerdydd? Faint o siaradwyr Cymraeg sy’n gallu dewis astudio’u gradd yn eu mamiaith? Dylai’r peth fod yn hawl cynhenid, hyd yn oed os nad yw rhywun yn dymuno manteisio ar y cyfle hwnnw.

Rhaid cofio hefyd fod mwy o fyfyrwyr yn gallu siarad yr iaith yma yn y

brifddinas nag yn unman arall. Pam felly nad oes gan Gaerdydd Undeb Cymraeg fel yn Aberystwyth a Bangor, neu o leiaf Swyddog Sabathol i ofalu am y sefyllfa?

Mae’r brotest wedi llwyddo i godi cwestiynau pwysig dros ben. Ac mae hi’n bwysig hefyd nad ydi’r mater yn diflannu – er y byddai tywydd cynhesach yn siwr o gael croeso y tro nesa y bydd rhywun yn dewis gwneud ei wely mewn lle o’r fath!

Y Swynwr o Solfach yn Serennu Adolygu gig Meic Stephens yn y Clwb Trydan, 5/3/04

Gan Owain Sion Un lle sy’n prysur wneud enw iddo’i hun oddi fewn i gylch gigio Cymraeg bellach yw’r Clwb Trydan ym Montcanna.

Lle bach ond digon delfrydol sydd yn gosod awyrgylch gwych i gigs, yn enwedig pan fo athrylith cerddoriaeth Gymraeg ein cenedl yn brysur wrth ei waith. Clwb â theimlad cartrefol sy’n gosod awyrgylch gwych i’r swynwr o Solfach fynd trwy’i bethau.

Efallai fod hyn yn eitha anodd i’w goelio ond am unwaith – ac efallai am y tro cyntaf (a’r olaf?!) edrychai Meic Stevens fel petai yn sobor ac am unwaith eilyddwyd ei botel o win coch arferol am botel o ddwr!! Am droi dwr yn win efallai??!!

Cychwynodd ei set gyntaf o’r noson gan ganu’r clasuron i gyd! Wrth ddechrau â’r clasur Dic Penderyn gosododd y dechreuad perffaith i un o’r perfformiadau gorau a glywyd gan y Brawd Houdini.

Wedi iddo ganu’i glasuron megis Tryweryn, Yr Eryr a’r Golomen, Rue st Michel a Erwan a’r anfarwol Môr o Gariad, i gyfeiliant llais peraidd Heather Jones, i gyd cyn tua handi deg, anodd oedd meddwl sut y gallai

Meic adeiladu ar hyn yn ei ail set o’r noson.

Wedi seibiant o hanner awr i gael ei wynt ato (ac i gael ambell beint siwr braidd) daeth Meic yn ei ôl a’r botel o ddwr yn wir bellach wedi cael ei droi i’r gwin coch a welir yn arferol yn bartner llwyfan perffaith i Meic.

Os yn amau cynt beth oedd ganddo ar ôl i’w ganu, ni chawsom ein siomi o gwbl. Swynwyd y dorf gan ei lais unigryw a’i reolaeth anhygoel o’r gitar acwstig. Ei ddawn yn cael ei ddangos i’w lawn botensial yn ei berfformiad unigryw diweddaraf o Gwely Gwag a phan glywyd y cordiau cyntaf o’r gwych ‘Y Brawd Houdini’ deffrodd y lle a gwelwyd y cynnwrf mwyaf a welwyd yn y Clwb Trydan ers enillydd mwyaf y bingo wythnosol diwethaf!

Am y tro cyntaf yn y noson cododd pobl i ddawnsio gan lenwi’r llawr dawnsio bychan yn syth a’r "la-las" yn byddaru’r ffeinal o’r dominos yn yr ystafell drws nesaf. Roedd Meic bellach wrth ei fodd ac fel arfer yn mwynhau pob eiliad o’r gig heb son am ein mwynhad ni wrth wrando ar ei nodau hudol.

Piti oedd gweld y bar yn cau mor gynnar a thrist yn wir oedd clywed

Meic - ‘athrylith cerddoriaeth Gymraeg ein cenedl’ nodau cyntaf ein anthem genedlaethol gan sylweddoli fod y noson yn sydyn dirwyn i ben.

Wrth edrych yn ôl ar y noson, cytunai llawer a fynychodd y gig ein bod wedi gweld clasur o gig gan yr athrylith. Oedd hyn yn ddechrau cyfnod newydd yn ei yrfa? Gyrfa ag

edrychiad mwy sobor iddi? Go brin!!

Yr hyn a welsom oedd Meic yn mwynhau bob eiliad o’i yrfa hirfaith a ninnau yn lwcus iawn i’w glywed ar ei orau. Edrychwn ymlaen yn arw rwan at y noson gig Gymraeg nesaf yn y Clwb Trydan i weld pwy fydd yn wir camu i fewn i ‘sgidiau enfawr Meic.

Hip-Hopio Gan Ifan Rhys

Noswaith o hip hop yng Nghlwb y Toucan,a phwy gwell i ysgrifennu adolygiad o’r gig na bachgen o strydoedd peryglus Synod Inn yng Ngheredigion?

Na, alla i ddim a meddwl am unrhywun sy’n fwy priodol chwaith! Ond ta waeth, gig Abri Cymdeithas yr Iaith yn dathlu gwyl ein Nawddsant oedd yr achlysur arbennig.

Brave Captain, neu Martin Carr gynt o’r Boo Radleys, oedd y cyntaf i’r llwyfan. Yn syml hollol, roedd e’ a’i gyfrifiadur yn cymysgu cerddoriaeth i’n diddanu. Digon hawdd oedd cymdeithasu ac anghofio fod rhywun ar y llwyfan, ond pan oedd y capten dewr yma yn cael gwrandawiad teg, digon hawdd hefyd oedd gwerthfawrogi’r meddwl a’r sgil oedd y tu ôl i’r gerddoriaeth.

Ond fel esboniwyd yn gynt, hip hop oedd yn denu’r mwyafrif o’r gynulleidfa amrywiol i’r Toucan. Lo Cut a Sleifar, un o fandiau hip hop newydd y sîn Gymraeg, oedd nesa. Heblaw am eu perfformiad ar sioe iDot fis diwethaf, hwn oedd gig cyntaf y ddau rapiwr.

Dechreuwyd y perfformaid yn gryf gyda chân yn cofio am Streic Fawr Chwarel y Penrhyn, ac roedd y ddau yn ymddangos yn gyfforddus ar y llwyfan.Yn fwy pwysig, roedd y ddeuawd yn ymddangos yn hyderus, rhywbeth sydd wedi bod yn absenol gan ambell i act rapio Cymraeg yn ddiweddar. Daeth hyder Sleifar, gynt o’r Tystion, allan yn ei eiriau i’r ail gân drwy alw ar y gynulleidfa i anghofio pob band hip hop Cymraeg sydd wedi bod o’r blaen gan fod Lo Cut a Sleifar yma i osod y safon! Diddorol.

Dadl gref fyddai datgan fod DJ Lo Cut a Sleifar, DJ Monkey o Optimas Prime, yma i osod y safon hefyd. Roedd sgiliau crafu Monkey wedi creu sawl datganiad positif iawn ymysg y gynulleidfa; a rhoddodd hyn sylfaen gref i berfformiad Lo Cut a Sleifar.

Er taw ond rhyw bum munud ar hugain y parhaodd y perfformiad, roedd hi’n ddigon hawdd gweld fod yr act hip hop newydd yma yn mynd i farcio’u stamp ar y sin Gymraeg.

Prif act y noswaith oedd Kidz with Toys.

Cafwyd sawl dadl ymysg y gynulleidfa ynglyn a ddylai’r band yma oedd yn rapio’n uniath Saesneg fod y brif act mewn gig Cymdeithas yr Iaith ar Ddydd Gwyl Dewi.

Rhaid edrych ar yr ochr bositif o gael y Kidz yn chwarae; denwyd cynulleidfa na fyddai wedi breuddwydio mynd i gig Cymdeithas yr Iaith rhai blynyddoedd yn ôl, a’u cael nhw i wrando ar gerddoriaeth Cymraeg ar Ddydd Gwyl Dewi. Rhaid atal pobl rhag meddwl fod siarad Cymraeg a nosweithiau Cymraeg yn bethau elitaidd os ydym am gynyddu’r nifer o siaradwyr ac achub yr iaith.

Ond nôl at y gerddoriaeth â ni! Digon hawdd gweld pam mai Kidz with Toys, o Gaerdydd, oedd prif act y noswaith. Fel Lo Cut a Sleifar, roedd DJ dawnus iawn gan y Kidz, yn ogystal â gwr samplau a drymiwr.

Rhoddwyd sawl cân oedd â churiadau pleserus i’r glust, yn ogystal â samplau a chymysgu oedd yn haeddu’r clod wrth y gynulleidfa. Gwych yw’r unig air i ddisgrifio’r re-mix o ‘Seven Nation Army’ gan y White Stripes a oedd yn gefndir i’r gân olaf.

Rapiwr Kidz with Toys oedd yn cymryd y rhan fwyaf o fy sylw i. Ym mhob cân byddai pob brawddeg yn clymu i fynny gyda’r un nesaf yn berffaith; pleser llwyr oedd gwrando ar y rapio o safon uchel yma.

Dyma oedd uchafbwynt y noswaith i fi a sawl aelod arall o’r gynulleidfa y siaradais i a nhw.

Daeth yr Abri i ben fel yr arfer gyda’r DJ Ian Cottrell a’i ddewis o ganeuon.

Noswaith newydd, positif a boddhaus; neu biwt os mynnwch!

Interview

March 22 2004

Page 11

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

BRING IT ON

By Rob Plastow Interviews Ed. A MERCURY Music prize heralded Gomez as a formidable outfit; blended jazz and blues roared from the tracks of their first CD attracting attention and curiosity. Songs you instinctively feel must have been around for donkeys’ years due to the familiar progression and structure lent by blues scales, with the uniqueness of the arrangements and the shared vocals.

Bring It On was one of the first albums that kick-started a recording rampage from the comfort of the bedroom. It was entirely self-produced on a fourtrack tape recorder and helped structure the band just as much as they structured it. "I was at university in Sheffield, that’s where I met Ian. All the other guys are from the same town so they’d been playing together for a while; I just came and stole the glory! They recorded most of the first record, I just kind of stepped in and said ‘Yeah, I’ll take credit for all that stuff’". Ben has been described as ‘the face of Microsoft with the voice of a horse’ and as we sit in the tiny dressing room of the Barfly his baritone voice resonates mid-sentence between the small walls almost in contention with the sound check next door. "I don’t even play on 78 Stone Wobble, or Whippin Piccadily. I had a bit of a sing on it, that’s about it."

The album went on to sell millions and as a fan-base emerged a tour was appropriate. But Gomez had never played a gig before, ever. Unless you can count the time they played at a mate’s party. So the

transition from playing your guitar at the end of your bed to touring the country must be: "Terrifying. The first gig was supporting Embrace on their tour. So, obviously all those gigs were sold out, and we were purposefully booked into smaller gigs so we were playing to big crowds all waiting to see Embrace and hear them sing ‘All you good good people’!" At this point I notice Blackie, Gomez’s nice guy bassist, laughing, clearly reminiscing about their baptism of fire, "It was at Glasgow Garage. It was for about a thousand people." Ben added: "It was fucking well scary. I mean we were shit, we were shit for about a year.

We didn’t know what the fuck we were doing. Didn’t enjoy it really." It must of taken a lot of patience to keep working despite the nerves, "Yeah, but that’s what we had to do. We spent the first kind of... well, I think we still are to a certain extent, just learning how to be a band. We never were. We never did that whole thing where bands play, I guess, places like this." And as we sit in the Cardiff Barfly its size becomes apparent as the kick-drum pounds into the walls and bangs on the door demanding attention like a spoilt fat kid. As Ben explains their origins his growling voice wins the room back from the incessant banging, and I hear ‘Sound of Sounds’ as Tom steps up to the stage. "We never really thought we had a right to be there, or that we were just taking the piss and seeing how long we could get away with it. I think there’s still a bit of that in us really. We don’t take ourselves too seriously."

They rose to the challenge, and after successfully touring the UK and trips to

America, the second album Liquid Skin was also to become a notable success.

‘We Haven’t Turned Around’ was used on the Oscar winning American Beauty soundtrack. With this, interest from America began to flourish. A couple of weeks before our meeting they were on a massive American tour. Good favour appears more forthcoming in the big country. Here it would appear that the band’s profile has diminished somewhat

"We never really thought we had a right to be there, that we were just taking the piss and seeing how long we could get away with it.”

Ben, Gomez

over the past year or so. Or more distinguishably from the point after the Liquid Skin tour and the not so hot third album, In Our Gun. With everything set up for them I wondered why Gomez were not as well known or successful as the first two albums had suggested. Then it all became clear. "When we were doing the third album the label was making redundan-

cies all over the place. Ian turned up one day at the label and found people crying outside the offices. These were the people that we knew and we had made the other two records with and they were just all going and understandably more concerned with other things than just our album." Ben seemed quite perturbed about the events at Virgin and after the third album the band decided to take a break. Ian, the cheeky looking guitarist that he is, went to live in LA with his American wife, Ben went travelling with his girlfriend and the others went home.

Which is something that doesn’t happen much when you are always touring.

Sat here with two parts of Gomez talking about making records and touring, it seems quite odd when I start talking to Ben about girlfriends in a way that I would expect from any bloke in a bar.

"Thing is she works. She’s a nursery assistant, so she works school hours I guess. And then when we do the Lollapalooza tour it’s her summer holiday, and that’s going to be a pain in the arse. She’s got the summer off and..." he pauses "I’m away".

To lighten the mood I ask about the new resurgence as we all light up cigarettes in a subconscious effort, I suppose, to mark the end of one topic and to start a new one. Ben kicks off again "At the moment things are kind of speeding up for us, especially in terms of the American stuff." But would any success come in the UK charts? Ben sarcastically retorts "Yeah. Number one easy! Do a Bryan Adams. Fuck me, I don’t know!"

Recently the charts have continued their slide into the foul smelling pit of

insignificant bollocks, bought and listened to by 11 year old girls, so what’s the point? "What is the point? I don’t know" Ben told me, on this the day of their single release ‘Catch Me Up’, "I mean, singles are essentially a fucking joke, they don’t make labels any money.

The last number one sold like 15,000 copies. It’s a joke." Blackie breaks his silence to add "Port Vale like it." Ben continues "Yeah. They got to number 35 with a tune that sold 3,000 copies."

And as single charts aren’t that important it’s highly unlikely that you’ll see these boys on Top of The Pops"Well they’re going to cancel that aren’t they?!" You are much more likely to see them on Later with Jools Holland instead. "That’s a good show. I remember meeting Jimmy Page there. Stealing fags off him all night, being a really cheeky bastard. I don’t think he really appreciated it. We didn’t give him the respect he deserves. But there’s no other way to play it coz it’s fucking Jimmy Page." As Ben spoke he was mixed between laughing and shaking his head at his own behaviour. Blackie added: "Didn’t you ask him to sign a cigarette or something?" Ben confirmed "Yeah…then lit it."

The band seems in good spirits and the noises from the next album, out in May, suggest a return to form after a long break. Whether or not we will be able to see them again in a tiny venue in Cardiff, where you can have a beer with the band as they come in before the gig, is unclear. For them, success would delay their return to our little Barfly, but our loss is their gain.

Environment

Page 12

March 22 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Cardiff Uni goes green

O

n Wednesday the People and Planet society launched their ‘Go Green’ campaign complete with a big green banner outside the union. There was also a stall inside the union with petitions to sign to ask the Vice Chancellor make Cardiff University ‘Go Green’.

So what exactly does it mean to ‘Go Green’? The campaign’s aim is to get the University to improve its environmental performance. This means doing more things like recycling, promoting local biodiversity, creating less waste and pollution, cutting down on unnecessary consumption, using green products and promoting environmentally friendly travel options.

The ultimate aim of the ‘Go Green’ campaign is to encourage the

Think it can’t be done…Think again!- Oxford Brookes have an environmental policy and an active Environmental Co-ordinator.

- Leeds Met University have set some impressive targets including a 5% reduction in CO2 emissions by 2005 and 25% reduction in waste to landfill by 2006.

- University of Hertfordshire has designed buildings which will be 60% more energy efficient.

-The University Of Wales College Of Medicine (whom WE are merging with) have such a rigorous environmental management system that they now hold an ISO 14001 certification.

University to review its total environmental impact and to create a new environmental policy, with full-time staff to carry it out.

Nationally universities spend over £3 billion on goods and services, and around £200 million on energy. Going green could make a huge contribution to the protection of the environment.

In the past the government has shown little interest in supporting the improvement of the environmental performance of Universities but this situation is due to change later this year with the development of a new Sustainable Development Action Plan that will be implemented across the Higher Education Sector.

People and Planet now want the university to take notice of students who want the university to recognise its environmental responsibility.

So what is the current situation at Cardiff University and how much work has to be done before we can be said to have ‘gone green’? Cardiff University has improved in relation to energy and water management. Last year People and Planet ran a "Green Electricity" campaign. This resulted in the university switching to a supplier which provided 50% of energy from renewable resources. It is vital to now take further next steps to ensure Cardiff becomes even greener.

Cardiff University still has no coherent environmental policy and has no member of staff dedicated to environmental management. These facts are a shocking indictment of the University. Getting information on the university’s environmental impact is extremely difficult. People and Planet are calling on Vice-Chancellor Professor David Grant to make this information publicly available. A coherent policy is needed if Cardiff is to become a green university.

There are many in the university who support this aim. Frances Hines is Research Manager for BRASS (The ESRC Centre for Business Relationships, Accountability, Sustainability and Society). She says there is plenty to build upon: "Cardiff University has made environmental improvements in a number of areas since I first came to the University in 1995, especially in relation to energy management and water management.

“There are many opportunities that the University could follow in pursuing sustainability in all its aspects and it has started this by beginning to develop a Sustainability Strategy."

Currently we are at a

vital juncture with the merger with University of Wales College of Medicine. This makes the ‘Go Green’ campaign even more important. The merger offers an opportunity for the university because UWCM currently possesses one of the best environmental management systems in the UK. Their policies include managing energy efficiently, minimising waste, increasing recycling, promoting healthier modes of transport and purchasing goods and services which are all environmentally friendly.

Perhaps most important of all UWCM ensure that all students receive environmental training.

The information given empowers students to make changes in their own lives which will benefit the environment. Do you know where your nearest recycling point is? This type of information is vital if we are all to work towards a more sustainable future.

UWCM also have a full time environmental advisor, Katrina Henderson.

She has worked to ensure the medical school becomes as green as possible.

The success of UWCM has recently been recognised, the institution has was awarded the ISO 14001, the international standard for environmental management systems. This prestigious award is something Cardiff University should be working towards.

The good news for Cardiff is that UWCM is fully behind the campaign.

Katrina Henderson said "The merger represents a really important moment for both institutions. We are willing to offer all the support Cardiff needs in its bid to become a green university.

There’s a long way to go but I hope we can work together to build on the success we’ve had at UWCM." The seeds of a successful partnership are being sown but student support is needed. This is one of the most ambitious campaigns People and Planet has ever run. Results may not come over night and there are several different scenarios for the future. We hope that university management will agree to our requests and successfully work with UWCM to achieve a greener future. They may delay the decision

until after the merger, wasting an important opportunity. It would be disastrous if the university does not accept these proposals as this could have a negative effect on UWCM's achievements. Which ever way the campaign goes we’ll need student support. The green ribbon may become a permanent sight on campus and we hope you’ll join us in wearing one.

This campaign is important. We have the opportunity to achieve something concrete and change the insitution that we are all a part of: our own university. As students we have a right to a greener university and with this campaign we can get one. Cardiff University is a world class institution if we want to remain that way we need a world class environmental policy. So sign the petition, wear the ribbon and win the campaign. Cardiff University will Go Green!

Green Tips Here are some tips on how you can go green at home and around Uni. They could also save you money!

-Use natural light as much as possible -Turn light off if you don’t need them -Use energy efficient light bulbs – they aren’t much more expensive -Turn your tv/ computer/ hi-fi off rather than leaving it on standby -Turning your thermostat down by 1 degree could cut your bills by up to 10% -Put the plug in the sink.

Otherwise you’re washing money away!

-Try to fill the washing machine, or turn it to the economy setting -Use the lowest temperature to wash your clothes -Buy products with minimal and recyclable packaging -Re use shopping bags -Recycle!

-Buy local and Fairtrade goods -Only fill the kettle as much as you need -Try to use mains power rather than batteries -Sign the ‘go green’ petition!

Free Stuff

March 22 2004

Page 13

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! After last week’s ultimate quiz, some nice easy questions for some damn good prizes. Whether you want quick and easy food to stuff your face with, vouchers to talk with or a phone to talk on, we’ve got it all. To enter any of the competitions on this page write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the Competitions pigeonhole in the gair rhydd office or simply email them to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk. All entries by Sunday March 6 please. Oh, and good luck.

F

Win a veritable Oriental feast

food specialist, is here to help. Want a or many of us the Easter quick and easy meal in less than 20 break means three weeks of minutes? Then look no further. Blue home cooking, otherwise Dragon has known as sitting on our arse while like our mum delights in serving us e les ings Nood those thezer sincr y n e F our favourite dishes, ick ing up the fre ir t h S C o Chilli h for us been in y Tomat letting us at disprobably uan Spic ything. e r g n relax and is a h have e Szech elf to a This s h S indulge after peas wohviced in! cTe lends it 0 MIN u m a S u N: 1 MINS IO an exhaust- yo T 2 A AR 0-1 PREP KING: 1 ES 2 les ing term of nood COO SERV egg ium non-stop, all3cm d e m into il agon flower o sts, cut r D out, no-none lly ) Blu tbsp sunken brea s (4oz e gona 2 ic sense, hardcore s ch inch) cub liced dia 100g s le s toma ne 2 work (little does s, bo (1 1/ nd thinlyen peas an spicy a inles z u k o h d r s f she know). Of 2 Szec peele 4oz) . rrot, 100g ( e Dragon auce nish course it makes 1 ca s li, to gar lu y r B f t ucil ir e t h h s c c instr a o d t s being released cket nd re 20g a a 1 p n x o t e Add back into the stu- 1 ok. d gre ide. rding Slice acco d set as pan or w-5 mins. s le dent wild to fend for ood rain an n-stick r y for 4 for 3-4 d he n o ourselves that little 1. Cook t tions,a largecnarrot, stiro-fok gently ve c in and il o . Ser and e bit more difficult. With o mixhillies. at th en, peasr y sauce s. t e ly H t c min ss gen sliced exams weighing us 2.the chickthe stir f he d to d s an ed with t le down the last thing we 3. Ad d o h o n is n devised e r want to think about is 4. Add tdhiately, ga some delicious nutrie m im cooking complex meals. tious dishes, which guarantee That’s where Blue you will have enough time between Dragon, the Pan-Oriental exams and the student union bar to

have a satisfying meal.

Gill Russell, Brand Manager at Blue Dragon says, "Having been a stu-

This Mixe he d one walthy tofuVegetable ho w ants dish is id and Tofu e a S Prepa deliciousal for veg tir-Fr y e Cook ration: 10 simple O tarians o ing: 8 r r -10 mminutes iental dis any1x 85 h.

Ser ve in g pac s 2 utes ket B lue D rag noo on 3 Minu 1 te Ch 100g x 200g p 1tbsp su dles ow M nflo ac (4oz) ein firm Bk mixed wer oil s t lu e Dra ir-fr y v 50g (2oz) (3/4inc gon to egetab le fu h wate r c ) cube , cut into s 2 Now that you have these great 2cm 1x 12 25g ( 5g (1oz) hestnuts s , thin bean 0g sa 1oz) s recipe ideas all you need are the ly li s chet Blue ced bambprouts sliced ingredients themselves and a wok Dra oo Coria stir fr y gon hone shoots to cook them in! We’ve teamed up nder y and sauc 1.Co e leave ok th coria with Blue Dragon to offer each of e noo s to nder garnis dles 2. He a h ten lucky winners a great package, c c o tions rding at oil to in a la and s including a non-stick carbon steel rge w et asidthe packe ok e. t inst ve 3. Ad ruc- wok and the Blue Dragon products d the getables mixe or fr ying d boo s pan, a t featured in the recipes, as well as more add t hootsofu, wate nd stir-fr he and s r ches y for 2 fantastic recipes to try out. And all you -3 t nuts, tir fr y 4. Ad m in utes bea sau well a d the n have to do to win is answer the follownd se oodle minute ce. Cook n sprouts . s. gently , bam r ve im s to t ing frustratingly simple question: h e m f or 3-4 p ediat dent myself and struggled to be ely, g an, toss leave arnishe gently t inventive with my meals while Which Pan-Oriental food specialist o d wit s. h cor mix shopping on a budget, these recipes iande allows you to produce delicious r

would have helped enormously. Each dish is based on using widely available

grab the latest Nokia handset and Bedrock goodies

N

From 10pm, John and fellow Bedrock DJs will be demonstrating the legendary club night’s unique brand of house and breaks, and offering students the ultimate soundtrack to a Sunday night. So make sure you get down there early to avoid disappointment, or buy your ticket in advance from the union.

Cardiff is just one of 20 dates on the Bedrock Tour powered by Nokia, so if you miss John and the Bedrock team on the 17th, you can catch them at another UK dance capital.

For your chance to win a t-shirt, a copy signed copy of the latest Bedrock album (pictured) and the latest Nokia handset, simply answer the following question: What night will the Bedrock tour be hitting Cardiff?

Drop entries into the Competitions pigeonhole or email them to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk.

Closing date: end of term.

nutritious meals in less than 20 minutes?

Win Phonecards! smile off your mum’s face.

We’ve teamed up with our good friends at the Post Office and have got five £10 Post Office phonecards to give away. To be in with a chance of winning, just answer the totally unrelated shameless space-filling question below:

The Bedrock Student Tour powered by Nokia arrives at SOLUS okia has joined forces with DJ John Digweed for the Bedrock Student Tour arriving at SOLUS on Sunday April 17.

Blue Dragon Noodles, Stir-Fry Sauces and the ever versatile Sweet Chilli Dipping Sauce to provide a wealth of Oriental flavours."

I

t’s good to talk, as some short fat jolly cockney once said. And who am I to argue with the man who so finely portrayed Super Mario on the big screen? So as a tribute to the great man and… er… talking in general, we’ve teamed up with the Post Office to give you the chance to win talktime.

The Post Office Phonecard offers great savings on calls to whoever and wherever you’re calling, and they guarantee every penny you’re paid can be used to talk to your nearest and dearest, whether that be your boyfriend, girlfriend, mother or Rampant Renee from XXXX Girls.

There are no hidden charges or fees and any remaining credit from an old Post Office Phonecard can be transferred to a new one.

So use the best all-round value phonecard on the market and put a smile on your mum’s face, or call Renee without the risk of her showing up on your home bill and wiping the

A man and his son are on the way back from seeing a football match between Manchester United and Manchester City.

United get trounced 4-1, dashing their title hopes and exposing their inept defence for a bunch of schoolboys. On the way back from the match the father and son are in a tragic car accident. The father dies instantly but the son is rushed to hospital. On the operating table the head doctor walks in, takes one look at the boy and utters, ‘I can’t operate on that child, he’s my son’. How is this possible?

WIN! M Y JOB!

Yes, all good things must come to an end. Next year I’ll be too old for this game and will pass on my legacy to young blood. So if you think you’ve got it in you to grab grab from my hands then email me saying why you’re worthy of editing the section next year. Training will start straight after Easter and there may even be time to edit a couple of issues before the end of term.

POST-MATCH ANALYSIS

Keep sending in your answers to the Ryanair Dublin quiz. The closing date is the end of term and the winners will be announced and the answers givenafter Easter. In the meantime...

TRIBAL GATHERING COMP Answer: 10,500 people attended last year’s event.

Winner: Lucy Smith TROJAN COMP The best embarrassing story was supplied by Annette Harvey. Unfortunately she didn’t want us to print it. I did beg.

STARSKY AND HUTCH Answer: Snoop Dogg plays Huggy Bear.

Winner of S&H kit: James Parkin

Media

Page 14

March 22 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

What’s the frequency Alex?

An Xpress Radio station manager once claimed DJing was so easy even a monkey could do it, so we gave deputy editor Alex Macpherson an hour of training then stuck him in the studio. Here’s how he got on

A

s someone who doesn’t even know how to tune his own radio, I am probably the least qualified person to present a radio show. It’s a medium I have very little time for: if I want to listen to music, I have an excellent CD collection which serves all my needs. If I want to hear the news, well, I buy a newspaper. There’s no room for radio in my life.

The general rule that broadcast and print journalists should stick to what they do best is one which should be strongly adhered to. Different people simply have different skills; while we at GR Towers have the market in articulate, witty columns, others are better at, er, talking.

For about half a minute at a time. In between changing CDs. So when our Media Editor put the challenge to host a one-off guest show on Xpress after receiving rudimentary training to me, I somewhat foolishly agreed. It was hardly the first time I’d been in demand from Cardiff’s lesser student media body after all; back in my days as TV Alex both myself and erstwhile colleague TV Amy had been pursued assiduously in the hope that we’d transfer our TV Desk genius to the airwaves. Needless to say, we felt such exploits to be beneath us and turned them down. Given that they clearly wanted a piece of me this time round, it was time to make amends. Thursday March 11 would prove to be an interesting experience indeed.

4.30pm. Half an hour to go until my show. Playlist undone. Prepatory material non-existent. My only move

DJ: Alex Macpherson attempts to get through a link without swearing or libelling anybody towards remedying this situation is to turn the volume up on the GR office stereo and demand that everyone pay attention to it while I am on air. The general reaction is a collective sigh.

4.45pm. Goddamnit, I’ve left Aretha Franklin’s superb cover of Eleanor Rigby at home. My setlist has already been decimated by Xpress Radio’s noswearing policy; it is with genuine sadness that I’m forced to strike Khia’s My Neck, My Back (Lick It) and Trina’s B R Right, two of my favourite obscene songs ever, from it.

5pm. Hotfoot it next door to the Xpress studio, laden down with CDs and bottles of Evian but unfortunately no prepatory

material. It would be fair to comment that at this point I am relying entirely on my skills at ad libbing.

5.01pm. The DJs before me are apparently unaware that I am meant to be taking over from them, and have not yet finished their show. Am told to wait for 15 minutes while they finish babbling inanities and playing bad indie.

5.15pm. Ask the producer what tips she has for a radio novice. "Well, the key to a good radio show really is good preparation," she opines somewhat nervously. Oh dear.

5.19pm. "Thirty seconds left, plenty of time to show you the inner workings of the scary huge console which controls

everything which is broadcast!" Eek. 5.20pm. On air! We kick off with a superb bootleg of Christina Aguilera and the Rolling Stones, which I neglect to say anything about at all because I’m still trying to work out what all these knobs in front of me do, a situation I’m not exactly used to being in.

5.22pm. OK, I know how to work the CD player. How do I speak into the microphone? How? Segue straight into Basement Jaxx’s Plug It In out of sheer desperation.

5.25pm. And it’s first blood to gair rhydd as I kick off my banter with potentially libellous comments about certain union figures. Can you call for someone’s death on air and get away with it? The answer: YES YOU CAN. Especially if it is followed by the marvellous new Courtney Love single.

5.30pm. Am settling down somewhat, though I keep forgetting to push the red button which turns the mike on, so I’m not really sure if my comments are being broadcast at all. Possibly just as well if they’re not.

5.32pm. My producer comes in to tell me that I sound bored, and that maybe I shouldn’t speak in such a monotone. It’s a monotone brought on my attempting to conceal my nervousness. She’s got some press clippings for me in a bid to steer the chat on to less controversial topics; I love it when people are kind and helpful.

5.33pm. She seems to think that Xpress listeners would be thrilled to hear me discuss a new anti-smoking pill. I’ll put that to one side for the moment, thanks all the same.

5.40pm. Am interrupted mid-song by the combined forces of GR’s News and Sports Desks, who have found their way on to the balcony outside my studio and are attempting to derail my show by shouting obscenities. Shamefully, I find their antics hilarious and can barely speak for laughing in my next break; apparently they are clearly audible on air.

The Xpress producers begin to look even more worried.

5.45pm. Har har. Gain revenge on Sports Desk by outing Riath AlSamarrai on air, before dedicating the

Pet Shop Boys’ gay anthem It’s A Sin to him, a song which I feel is most apt for him at this point in his life.

5.47pm. Riath’s outraged little face appears at the window once again. He doesn’t look best pleased. In fact, he is throwing a traffic cone at the window.

5.55pm. How the hell do Xpress presenters cope with these damn headphones? They get tangled up in the legs of the chair every time I move.

6pm. The excitement seems to have died down somewhat, and my lack of material is beginning to tell. It doesn’t help that I’m really bored now. I can’t listen to the songs properly because I have to concentrate on cuing the next one.

Telling jokes into a microphone in an empty room is possibly the oddest activity I’ve ever done. Where is my laughter? I need an audience!

6.05pm. At least my setlist is stellar: Lady Fury, Wiley, Kasia Klich, Rufus Wainwright and Kelis follow each other in swift succession.

6.10pm. Joke about the Leicester City footballers accused of rape goes down like a lead balloon with my producer, who has somehow metamorphosed into Arts Desk’s Rachel. One wrist-slapping later, and I am suitably chastened. Sorry Rachel.

6.25pm. Having been bored out of my skull for the past half hour, I’m highly glad to be bringing the show to an end with Britney Spears’ fantastic Toxic.

It’s been an illuminating experience; I certainly wouldn’t do it solo again, though it might be amusing as part of a duo. The fantastic music aside, it’d be fair to describe my efforts as hilariously woeful. It’s simply not a situation I feel comfortable in. There’s no way to hide nervousness, a lack of confidence or just sheer disinterest when you’re live, all cardinal sins for any aspiring presenter.

So let gair rhydd stick to the proper journalism while the radio monkeys can look after the chit-chat.

Media Muddle The Apex paper appear to have a new mentor, The Sun, and what a paper to strive towards. Their front page is graced with a two-word headline that fills the majority of it and is polished off with a lovely colour picture. If that wasn’t enough, on page three they have an article on strippers in the union.

Another paper that seems obsessed with copying someone else’s style is Sheffield’s Stainless. However, if you’re going to copy Quench guys, at least do it well. Not having enough articles to fill the pages, their centre consisted of the same advert on both pages. The students of Sheffield were also graced with an editorial that promised to add “more feminine sections” to counter balance their ‘T.I.T.S’ section.

Lancaster’s paper, Scan, has discovered puns this month. They are so proud of them that they made sure nobody missed them by adding after it “(excuse pun)”. With the pun they used, ‘the Pope has got to be a God bet’, they certainly needed to be excused.

Television

March 22 2004

Page 15

rancidzombies@romzom.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV March 22-28

Great-ful dead

TV Desk gushes everywhere over Simon Pegg and Sean Of The Dead

HOT Swearing Celebs As part of C4’s ident campaign, they asked their famous faces all sorts of questions.

One that won’t be on telly will be their fave swear word though. Thank god www.updater.co.uk have it so we can see Judy Finnegan say fuck, Derren Brown saying cunt and Kelly Osbourne uttering “douche bag”. Priceless.

SOAPS Show us your growler, Vicki Fowler Not content with writhing with ‘Gash’ Ferriera on Sharon and Dennis’ conjugal/incestual bed, Vicki has further offended me by being so fatuous throughout the last few weeks.

She was never my favourite character anyway, with her mockney/Little Britain/Lloyd Grosman accent, and the way she minces about with her fat lip hanging out and clothes “like no one else wears” (according to stinky Kareena, anyway).

EastEnders seem to have now made her into everything I despise: a whining, self-indulgent and fatfaced septic tank who makes Sharon’s acting seem deserving.

This week, Vicki strops about trying to get her hands in Gash’s boxers and moans a lot. And that’s it. Kill her off!

Shuffling into the wonderful world of TV this week with skin falling off and an arm missing, comes TV Andy with another box of delights for you good readers in the final week of term.

My first piece of ESSENTIAL viewing this week comes in the unlikely shape of Friday Night with Jonathan Ross on, ahem Friday (BBC1, 10.35pm). Now Ross usually gets a good calibre of guest in, but if like me you’re a rabid Spaced fan (and if not why not?) you should literally be foaming at the mouth at the prospect of Simon Pegg coming in to talk about his Zom-Rom-Com Sean Of The Dead. For those of you who’ve had their heads buried in the sand (or possibly removed by an over-zealous zombie hunter), Sean Of The Dead is the tale of Sean (Pegg) who ends up rallying his friends and relatives in his local pub during a zombie outbreak. Written and directed by Pegg and Spaced collaborator Edgar Wright, Sean promises to be the funniest British film since Withnail And I and is set to make Pegg an international star.

With supporting roles for Jessica Stephenson, Nick Frost, Lucy Davis, Dylan Moran, Bill Nighy and many, many more Sean looks like a film to remember. Make sure you get the lowdown first on Friday.

Wednesday sees a host of fantastic TV kicking off with what looks like the best episode of Footballers’ Wives to date (ITV1, 9pm).

For starters we’ve got evil snake eyes Tanya lording it up over Frank’s death and possibly standing there

quivering quite a bit. There should be more hot gaymosexual action between Noah and Conrad while Amber consults with the ludicrous Dr Yes about a voodoo curse for Tanya.

Best of all, Kyle gets himself involved in a Fight Club style underground boxing club which should result in more sweat, blood and naked flesh than you can possibly manage on ITV1 at that time. While other dramas are aiming for realism, it’s nice to see that the writers are more than happy to let Footballers’ Wives inhabit another planet altogether. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Last week I spent most of my time wondering how I could insert into chit

chat: “Do you want me to fellate you? I’ll get the neck brace.”

(Then pull a determined but vaguely disgusted face). By the way, slipping that statement into conversation was surprisingly easy. Anyway, this week, Nighty Night moves on from its superbly dirty start to further the storyline more towards Don and Cath (Angus and MS woman).

Having already told everyone her husband is dead, the brilliant Jill begins to sharpen her widow’s claws. Yeow! Watch out Angus!

This series could go downhill, but I think it’s given itself loads of opportunity from the outset, and I hope it is consistently good. It’s on at 10pm, Monday, on BBC2.

It’s no joke when you have to choose programmes because of their title because the other TV writers have chosen the only good things (why do I always seem to be last?), but for what it’s worth, TV John recommends, on C4 at 10.45am on Tuesday, the mysterious Water, Moon, Candle, Tree and Sword. Possibly the list of rejected “quests” the crew behind Knightmare rejected (“Enter stranger, I understand you are on the quest for the tree”) or a list of objects held sacred by ancient monks or a 21st replacement for the five elements? The nicknames of the famous five? (Bet Dick was “moon”.) Either way, I can’t think of anything that links the five unrelated phenomena, but maybe you can. But let’s find out... together!

Love xxx John

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY Do You Feel Lucky, Punk?

Zombie Noshin’

BBC Three seems to specialise in shoving its radio DJs on to present programmes rather than let any new talent breakthrough. We’ve had Trevor Nelson fronting every holday/robot/cake related programme under the stratosphere already, and now, this week, on Skater Punk (Tuesday, 7.15pm) the imbecile’s choice Mike Davies makes his digital debut. Mike is the American doofus with the baseball cap plonked on his head that presents The Lock Up on Radio 1, which has just been transformed for TV, one assumes. BBC Three are clearly overestimating how many people are interested in watching the biographies of Minor Threat, Suicidal Tendencies and Bad Religion while having a late evening snack, but whatever.

It’s only for 15 minutes, and thankfully is replacing the fuck-awful Re:covered which was unbearable, so get your board, your rucksack, your hair gel, and hey-ho let’s go.

Continuing my zombie theme from the top of the page, there’s plenty of cadaver based horror out to rent this week not counting such classics as Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn, 28 Days Later and Night/Dawn/Day Of The Dead. Firstly there’s Eli Roth’s gore splattered Cabin Fever which sees a group of friends trapped in a cabin while a rapaging flesh eating virus guts them from brains to bones. While being pretty formulaic and averagely acted, the shocks are quite powerful and there’s enough inventive spark to suggest Roth is a director to watch.

Elsewhere sees such tasty tit bits as The Zombie Dead, Zombie Flesh Eaters 3 and the amazingly titled Zombie Nosh.

Each generally involves some scientists messing around with tombs when a terrible undead force is unleased. Expect terrible acting and even worse make up.

Yum yum.

NOT

Holy Easter

Call us antiChrists, but frankly get over the Bible and give us our Easter eggs - it’s the only reason we’re going home anyway.

All we want is Cadbury’s with no coercion to pray following it. Jesus died? Just pass me a Creme Egg.

SPORT Rugby’s a big load of shite and nobody cares who wins or loses unless they’re dull, but I think France/Italy/Scotland/England/ Wales will win the Six Nations (Sat, 1.05 onward) and that certainly France/Wales/England/ Italy/Scotland/Ireland will lose.

Let’s not get too excited here...

FILMS You’re spoilt for choice with great films this week. There’s Last Tango in Paris (BBC2, Wednesday), Man In The Moon (BBC2, Sunday), Analyse This (five, Friday) and the deeply disturbing Funny Games (C4, Thursday) where two men break into a family’s holiday home and proceed to torture them. Scary.

RADIO Bye bye friends in the North BBC Radio 1 is this week bidding Mark and Lard farewell. But it is a valediction forbidding mourning, as both have been poached for various things on other BBC stations. And I never really liked them anyway, because although their music choice could sometimes win my approval, they chatted far too much shit and far too nasally for me to really miss them. And they’ve got Travis singing them out.

However, you’ve got to worry what this means for Jo Whiley, who will try on her ‘alternative’ crown so much it’ll make her temples bleed. Proof: Scissor Sisters are popping in on Wednesday. They scare the shit out of me anyway. Remember: if you sing, you can’t hear them.

Monday

Today in your Union

Page 16

March 22-28 2004

pussylicking@tvdesk.co.uk

FUN FACTORY Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night (NUS)

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale Tickets for the Summer Ball are on sale now. They are priced at £34.

The event is to be staged at Cooper’s Field, a much-anticipated return after 4 years away. The event promises to be the highlight of the year, so get your tickets quickly. Keep your eyes peeled for news on who and what will be performing this year within the union.

Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night

Mazes and Labyrinths BBC2 7.50pm

Confessions ITV2 5.45pm

FILM: Alive

Softies

five 9pm

five 9.05am

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Moneyspinners 11.00 Hot Houses 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Cash in the Attic 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 16.20 Rugrats 16.35 BAMZOOKi 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Toadie supports Stuart's application to join the police force. Joe and Lyn apply for a reality renovation TV show.

Harold gets drunk at Lou and Trixie's farewell party. “Oh, Lou, you randy old goat,” says Harold.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Holiday 2004 19.30 X Ray 20.00 Eastenders Alfie comes through Kat. Sorry, there was supposed to be a ‘for’ in there somewhere.

Gus faces a disturbing discovery: Ricky’s old stash of midget porn.

20.30 Ground Force 21.00 Your Life in Their Hands isn’t worth shite. This programme is full of whiny shitters. Why should I care?

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Hollywood Greats: John Wayne 23.15 FILM: The Shootist *** 00.55 Sign Zone: Walking with Dinosaurs 01.25 Sign Zone: The Joy of Exercise 02.25 Sign Zone: Fat Profits 02.55 Sign Zone: A Life of Grime 03.25

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Tartan Smalls: Lord of the Fleas 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Little Red Tractor 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.25 The Phil Silvers Show 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 English Express 11.50 See You, See Me: Citizenship 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Aiming for Excellence 13.30 FILM: Tall in the Saddle *** 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons Guest voice Britney Spears. I haven’t seen this. I probably won’t be allowed to watch it as my housemates favour the news.

They don’t realise that, as an arts student, I get ample opportunity to see the day’s events throughout the dull afternoons.

18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 Art Crime: The Emperor's New Clothes 19.50 Ancient Voices: Mazes and Labyrinths A look at how David Bowie kept focused even when he lost his crystal balls.

20.00 Terry Jones' Medieval Lives 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Coupling 21.30 The Catherine Tate Show 22.00 Nighty Night 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Charles Wheeler: Edge of Frame 00.10 Shadow over Europe

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Britain's Best Back Gardens 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Engie Benjy 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 Hey Arnold! 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 You've Been Framed! 17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale A desperate Marlon decides to put God to the test - but will it bring solace? As a rule I find testing God rather ineffectual, but hey, I’m not on Marlon’s hotline.

19.30 Coronation Street Charlie teaches Jason some tricks of the trade. Ho ho, what, like using butter as a lubricant? Cheers for that tip, Andy.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Disaster strikes when Shelley's flirtation with Charlie gets out of control. Good lord, keep a little of your mystique, love.

No one likes a loose minge, you know.

21.00 Life Begins Shite.

22.00 Tarrant on TV 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Geoff Global's Global Probe Including old favourites Mr Fff. You don’t want to know how he got that name.

23.30 The Premiership 00.30 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 Champions League Weekly 01.25 Football League Extra 02.05 Today with Des and Mel 02.55 I Want That House

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Time Team 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Medabots 16.30 Planed Plant: Paaw 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Jackie insists on cutting Nia's hair. Let’s hope she didn’t go to Jill’s (Nighty Night) salon.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Sheryl learns the truth about why Darren left the army.

Now she’s in a quandary - how the hell do you keep a turd-burglar lover?

20.25 8 Munud O'r 80' Au 21.00 Ffermio 21.10 Cefn Gwlad 21.40 Sgorio 22.40 Brat Camp Drugs, alcohol and swearing are all banned and the teenagers must ask permission for everything, even going to the toilet. Hooray! At last S4C shows stuff we really want to see, rather than the local farming news and how another sheep dies from anal complications.

23.40 Without a Trace 00.40 Comedy Lab 01.10 Without Prejudice? How bizarre to put this on now. Granted, it features Liza Tarbuck, who should really come with a warning, but...

02.10 FILM: Room to Rent *** 04.00 Ysgolion

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the Musical Murder ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Leah cracks under the strain of her cookie business.

Hmm. 18.30 Family Affairs Gary despairs of ever finding Chrissy and Chloe again.

Muff-divers are notoriously clandestine.

19.00 five news 19.30 Demolition Squad: Blyth Power Station 20.00 The Crashes that Changed Flying 21.00 FILM: Alive While this film is not actually very good, strangely it continues to live in my mind.

Not because of the fact they have to eat people or anything. That’s all fine by me. It’s necrophilia i don’t really like. I mean, you don’t want to have sex with something to see its putrid remains on your todger afterwards. *** 23.25 Paradise Hotel 00.30 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kickboxing 01.20 US PGA Golf: Bay Hill Invitational 02.10 NASCAR Busch Series 03.00 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix: Round 12

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 The Darkness: Music on Three Watch out for Jo Whiley’s smug, incomparably pig-eyed face. I met her once at a particularly awful fancy dress party. I had gone as my boyfriend, and was wearing desert storm camo trousers and a multi-coloured Faith No More top, not to mention his big, stinky boots.

Needless to say, I was too embarrassed of my garb to go and spit offensive jibes at her.

For shame. 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Celebrity Boat Race 21.30 Beckham Back in Time 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Nighty Night Yay! I didn’t have much space to talk about this before, but the first episode of this was promising. I particualrly liked Angus. “Do you want me to fellate you?” “I’ll get the neck brace.” Genius.

23.00 Bunk Bed Boys Ooh. 23.30 The Darkness 23.45 Malai Monologues 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 BBC3 New Film Makers Award

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 13.55 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Confessions I had sex in a portaloo.

17.55 24 Hour Quiz Live 18.30 Champions League Weekly 19.00 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Learner Drivers 21.00 Builders from Hell 22.00 Great Escapes 22.30 Coronation Street Fred confronts Mike about mixing business and pleasure with Penny.

Jesus, how lame is that innuendo? Why the hell have the TV powers that be forgotten about the fact Penny has tits like sticks of celery and a fat arse?

Why would you want to ‘make pleasure’ with that?

23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 The Frank Skinner Show 00.45 Jerry Springer

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 USA Under the Knife 14.15 FILM: Chasing Destiny 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Britain's Hardest 22.00 The Premiership's Greatest... Moments When it’s not on is one of my favourites.

Football is all well and good, but feverish obsession is wrong - and too homoerotic to make you macho, OK? 23.00 Mile High This week, Tanya and Conrad relive my favourite Footballers’ Wives scene so far.

00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.50 ER 02.40 Alias 03.30 JAG 04.20 The Amazing Race gair rhydd office, Thursday, 5pm. Get a computer while they’re hot!

05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Monica's boyfriend impresses Chandler and Joey, with his amazing acting ability and non-reliance on bollocks one-liners. Phoebe becomes depressed when she discovers that not all films have happy endings. What a twat.

17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine? Mine when I’ve got over this scabies.

Yours until I’ve given it to you.

19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 Sex and the City 23.00 The OC Not about orifice control, orgy centres or any of the other things that comes from this enigmatic title. In fact, a less ‘deep’ (I use the term loosely) Dawson’s Creek. Great.

00.00 Hollyoaks 00.25 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.20 Sex and the City

As S4C, except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Health & Social Care. 9.55 Extra 1. 10.20 The Hoobs. 10.45 Water, Moon, Candle, Tree & Sword. 11.00 Being Different. 11.10 Teaching Controversial Issues. 11.35 More Than Love. 12.30 This Time Next Year 12.35 Home Movies are usually not safe to show on daytime TV. 12.55 FILM: Run Silent, Run Deep *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 My Place in the Sun 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Misadventures in a White Desert 20.00 Salvage Squad James Lance breaks in - naked to save me from the monotony of cutting and pasting. 21.00 Time Team Special: Steel City: Steel City 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 FILM: Urban Legend ** 00.50 Making Love with The Darkness 01.20 No Pies for 200 Yards - A Film about Mr Scruff 01.45 FILM: The Perez Family *** 03.40 Getting Personal 03.50 Pourquoi... Pass Keu?

Tuesday

March 22-28 2004

Page 17

sweaty@thisoffice.com

Postcards From Wales BBC3 1am

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 Kenan and Kel 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Tartan Smalls: This Old House 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Bill and Ben 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.25 The Phil Silvers Show 10.50 Bini Special Needs 11.20 Bobinogs 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Delia's How to Cook, Part 2 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks “Survival skills, bushcraft and countryside cunning”. Spelling error not corrected.

19.00 homeground: Yvonne Ridley: In the Line of Fire 19.30 Bee in Your Bonnet: Staging a Revival 20.00 Living the Dream 20.50 The Flying Gardener 21.00 Police Protecting Children Numerous potential “job on the line” comments have been written into this space and then deleted.

But in reference to the dude that got busted last week, didn’t they wonder how he became such an “expert” in the first place?

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 FILM: The Sheltering Sky *** 01.35 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Revisewise at School: Maths 1

A Touch of Fate

Feather Boy

Sky One 2.05am

BBC1 16.55pm

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Britain's Best Back Gardens Hairy anus fisting competition - who’s the best groomed for success? 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Boohbah 15.45 The Angry Beavers 16.00 Bernard's Watch 16.15 Tutenstein 16.45 SpongeBob SquarePants 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Donna is reluctant to sleep with Robert. Yo, after you with the Rohypnol, Bobby!

19.30 Champions League Live: AC Milan v Deportivo La Coruna .

21.45 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 13 22.30 ITV News 23.00 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 13 23.30 Champions League 00.30 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 Sugababes in Profile I rate these guys somewhere between average and quite good. Transfer that to a watchability rating, and then minus 50 because these “in profile” programs are so wank, and reach your own conclusion. 01.25 Champions League 03.05 World Sport 03.30 Football League Extra 04.10 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Hey, wasn’t the music section of Quench good last week? I was there thinking I didn’t give a fantastic mr fuck about the new Divine Comedy album, and now I just can’t wait to buy it! Well worth a whole page! Not.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rala Rwdins 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Y Brodyr Coala 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: FTPD 16.30 Planed Plant: Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.30 Darn o Dir Tank attacks Edgar. Next week: Flying fortress attacks Leeroy.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 8 Munud O'r 80' 20,35 Taro 9 21.10 John Roberts Williams Portrait of journalist and broadcaster, John Roberts Williams, on the eve of his 90th birthday, who used the pseudonym John Robert William when writing in his column in the Welsh language newspaper, Y Cymro. I bet it took him a long time to think up that pseudonym. Give the man a fucking medal.

22.10 The Property Chain 23.10 The Man Who Ate His Archbishop's Liver? Once again, don’t get excited about this, it’s the same harrowing documentary about life after Idi Amin as was on C4 last week. 00.15 NYPD Blue 01.10 FILM: Heaven’s Prisoners What happens to fuckers when they die.

This weeks nomination: Hundred Reasons. “Uhh we didn’t want to release that single - the record label told us to”. And you thought punk was dead... **

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: The Color of Love *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Paris and Irene find they are of the same mind. I was just going to say it’s about time they had another humorous schizophrenia storyline in Summer Bay. 18.30 Family Affairs Fed up with the 'game' Chloe runs away. Give me a break - how can you get bored of prostitution? The thrill of the chase, the pills, the chills, the bobbing for plums? Hi-fiddleydee, a hooker’s life for me.

19.00 five news 19.30 High Adventure: Mont Blanc Brain-dead European backpackers toking on excess “wack” as they discover themselves on a mountainside. People who should be slaughtered no. 302.

20.00 Spider Attack 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.50 The FBI Files: Manhunt 23.55 La Femme Nikita 00.45 Indy Racing League 01.35 NCAA College Basketball 03.05

COMEDY CLUB Wine £6 Bottle

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale Tickets for the Summer Ball are on sale now. They are priced at £34.

The event is to be staged at Cooper’s Field, a much-anticipated return after 4 years away. The event promises to be the highlight of the year, so get your tickets quickly. Keep your eyes peeled for news on who and what will be performing this year within the union.

GAMES ROOM 19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Skater Punk: Music on Three Mike “Excuse me while I try and talk, play punk rock and waggle the fader up and down like a retarded youth” Davies explores the underground sound of skater punk. Completely ludicrous scheduling, but should hopefully feature the cream of UK skate punk talent. With McFly. 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebrity Boat Race 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 21.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Sweet `n' Sour 23.30 Skater Punk: Music on Three 23.45 Malai Monologues 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 BBC3 New Film Makers Award 01.00 Postcards from Wales 01.05 Art in the City 01.35 Sweet `n' Sour Comedy 02.05 Skater Punk: Music on Three 02.20 Malai Monologues 02.35 BBC3 New Film Makers Award

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.05 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 13.55 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Ask a Silly Question 17.55 24 Hour Quiz 19.00 Champions League Live: FC Porto v Olympique Lyonnais 21.50 The Impressionable Jon Culshaw 22.25 2DTV 22.55 Footballers' Wives 23.55 Club Reps Uncut 00.55 Jerry Springer 01.40 Late Show with David Letterman 02.30 Teleshopping 03.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman It still beggars belief why ITV show David Letterman.

When I went on the NBC studio tour in America, the guide pretty much had to cut about 50% of his talk because nobody in Britain had seen any of the American chat shows we saw the studios for. ITV showing David Letterman would be like NBC showing Live At Johnny’s.

Exactly. Basically, the big DL’s wank unless you’re a yank.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 USA Under the Knife 14.05 FILM: A Touch of Fate ** 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 Heroes: Sam Carter 21.00 Angel 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.00 Porno Valley 23.30 Scrubs 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.50 ER 02.40 Alias 03.30 JAG 04.20 American Sex Wahey! TV John apologies profusely for the number of salacious comments made by him this week. He’d like to stress this is as a result of the repulsively sex-obsessed whorey society we live in, and the fact that this nugget of solid gold fact is represented perfectly by today’s TV listings, and not just on five.

05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine? 19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 22.00 Sex and the City Farewell 23.10 T4 Loves Sex and the City 23.40 More Sex Tips for Girls Two inquisitive couples are taught how to find women's hidden pleasure zones. They go in search of the A spot, the U spot and then, eager to experience the big one, go searching for something to do other than stick their hairy, stubby arms up their girlfriends steaming flaps.

00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Eurotrash 01.10 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 01.40 Sex and the City Farewell 02.40 T4 Loves Sex and the City 03.05 More Sex Tips for Girls What’s the story? (Everyone’s whorey.)

03.35 Eurotrash Ho ho ho hilarious they’re naked and German.

06.00 Insektors 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Health & Social Care. 9.55 Extra 1: En Francais. 10.20 The Hoobs.

10.45 Water, Moon, Candle, Tree & Sword. This sounds highly intriguing... 11.00 Being Different. 11.10 Teaching Citizens. 11.35 More Than Love. 12.30 Grudge Match 12.35 Frasier 13.05 FILM: Went the Day Well? ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 My Place in the Sun 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Misadventures in a White Desert Wow, this sounds a bit fun... 20.00 The Property Chain 21.00 Brat Camp 22.00 No Angels 23.05 Shameless Frank turns the crowd into a lynch mob lashing out at anyone who looks a bit different. I’ll be steering clear with my eyeliner and top hat, then. 00.05 Kingpin 01.05 Monkey 01.50 Star Trek: Enterprise 02.35 Andromeda 03.20 Stargate SG-1 . 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Alice through the Looking Glass. 5.30 Star Maths

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Moneyspinners 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Cash in the Attic 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 16.20 Spook Squad 16.45 The Cramp Twins 16.55 Feather Boy 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours The Scullys prepare an audition tape for the reality TV show. I didn’t know they catered for fucked up family scenarios in Australian TV. Isn’t Neighbours reality enough?

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Watchdog Blah blah blah fuck-a-doodle-doo property agents ripping people off blah-de-blah how dare the stupid people of this world be exposed in this manner because they didn’t read the small print, etc...

19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Hustle 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 Making It at Holby Whoring and scoring at Holby “Casualty for 12 year olds” City.

Stange how the staff at Holby never go in each other’s departments, is it not? 00.05 FILM: Disturbing Behaviour Formerly Moonwalker 2. ** 01.40 Sign Zone: Private Life of a Masterpiece 02.30 Sign Zone: Big Cat Week 03.00 Joins BBC News 24

Police Protecting Children BBC2 9pm

Wednesday

Today in your Union

Page 18

March 22-28 2004

pipe@newmedia.gairrhydd.org

RUBBER DUCK

Solus 10pm – 2am £3 Castle and Java £1.30, Screamers £1.00, Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, WKD Vodka £1.00

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale Tickets for the Summer Ball are on sale now. They are priced at £34.

The event is to be staged at Cooper’s Field, a much-anticipated return after 4 years away. The event promises to be the highlight of the year, so get your tickets quickly. Keep your eyes peeled for news on who and what will be performing this year within the union.

Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Neighbours BBC1 5.35pm

Last Tango In Paris BBC2 11.50pm

The Biggest Women In Britain ITV2 8pm

Seal-In the Studio ITV2 7.50pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Moneyspinners 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Cash in the Attic 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 The Wild Thornberrys 16.35 Powers 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Celebrations for Serena's 16th birthday don't go according to plan. Jack impresses Joe at the building site with his arse cleavage. Lil's mother Svetlanka causes trouble from the moment she arrives when it turns out she was a child porn star like Serena and approves of her choice of career.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Danger on the Beach 19.30 Open All Hours 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 Dragons Alive: Ruling Reptiles Three-part documentary series about how dragons replaced the dinosaurs. Wtf?! As far as I’m aware dragons are a mythical creature so the BBC have fucked up their research over this one then...

21.00 NHS Day 2 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 The Rugby World Cup: England's Story 23.35 Combat Pilot 00.05 FILM: Brannigan ** 02.00 Sign Zone: Drunk and Dangerous 03.00 SAS Desert: Are You Tough Enough? 04.00 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 07.20 Ocean Star: The Quest 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Tartan Smalls: If You Can't Stand the Heat 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Boo! 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 El Nombre 10.35 The Phil Silvers Show 11.00 The Life Laundry 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: A Man Betrayed ** 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons A tiresome repeat of the episode where Maud Flanders dies. Still beats everything else that’s on at this moment in time.

18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Match of the Day Wales Live: Wrexham v Cardiff City Now it’s a real surprise that these English League clubs are through to the semi-final of the FAW Cup - NOT! Cardiff to rule with an iron fist.

21.00 If...the generations fall out This edition tackles the pensions and ageing population crisis, imagining a time when the old are in charge and the young are becoming angry, with events coming to a head at the Mother's Day protests of 2024.

Should be good for a laugh.

22.00 The Alan Clark Diaries 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Fat Profits 23.50 FILM: Last Tango in Paris Classic butter buggery scenes. **** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Britain's Best Back Gardens 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Rosie and Jim 15.35 Angelina Ballerina 15.50 Sonic X 16.10 The Yuk Show 16.30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Zoe is left reeling when she discovers the identity of the father of Charity's baby.

Unnerved by Donna's behaviour, Robert grows concerned that she may be pregnant. It must be lambing season then...

19.30 Coronation Street Cilla returns and gets her adamantium claws into Janice after putting on her special wolverine costume.

20.00 The Bill 21.00 Footballers' Wives After Tanya shagging Frank to his grave she romps it up as his widow while Amber seeks help from Mark Gatiss (as her agent) and the ridiculous Dr Yes, the voodoo priest, and Kyle starts taking part in a Fight Club style underground boxing tournament - AWESOME! 22.00 The Impressionable Jon Culshaw 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Taxi Nights Call this a replacement for Director’s Commentary? 23.30 Housemates 00.00 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 CD:UK Hotshots

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Sgerbyde 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Caffi Sali Mali 13.15 A Place in France 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Nic a Peri 16.15 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.30 Planed Plant: MaxN 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Sophie arrives at the hospital and discovers that her wrist will be in plaster for six weeks, so no hand jobs for Gwyn.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Things are difficult between Cai and Emma as he confronts her about Macs. She obviously just prefers a Windows environment.

20.25 8 Munud O'r 80' Au 20.35 Jim TV 21.10 Merched ac Alcohol A look at Welsh women on the piss. Possibly one of the scariest things I’ve encountered in my years in Cardiff.

22.10 Relocation, Relocation 23.10 ER Carter and Kem arrive in Chicago with his ludicrous beard and Pratt accidentally breaks a patient's neck by flirting with them too much.

00.10 Frasier 00.40 FILM: The Crush ** 02.15 FILM: 20 Dates ** Since there’s no space on BBC2 I just have to big up the Alan Clark Diaries which were funny as fuck last week. Ooh politics.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Duggan Shadow of a Doubt ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Weapons of World War II: Rockets 20.00 The Search for Atlantis: The True Story The true story being it doesn’t actually exist...

21.00 The Curse of the Titanic Sisters? Revealed 22.00 The Ads that Changed the World I’m suggesting the Duracell bunny, The Milky Way advert with the Red Car and the Blue Car, That Sugar Puffs one which used to scare the shit out of me and WHOOOOOAAAHHH BODYFOOOORM!!!!

23.00 Paradise Hotel Amanda is upset by Amy's harsh criticism. The truth of the matter is that she does have the face of a gibbon’s backside. It’s one of those weird genetic things. Like Riath.

00.00 Real Sex 01.00 NHL Ice Hockey: Buffalo Sabres v Montreal Canadiens 04.00 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Courtney Burton v Julio Diaz 05.10 2004 Winter X Games It’s 4pm and I’m a quarter finished - I must pick up the pace if I’m to make Black Books...

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Asian Pop: Music on Three Indian singer Raghav launches his pop career only to promptly see it nosedive.

19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebrity Boat Race 21.00 FILM: Chain Reaction Crap Keanu Reeves thriller. *** 22.40 Vic and Bob in Catterick Allegedly this has taken a turn for the worst. Real shame as we could do with some decent sitcoms on BBC at the moment, apart from the delightfully sick Nighty Night.

23.10 Killing Time Comedy set in a women's prison. After those six words I think you know to avoid this.

23.40 Asian Pop: Music on Three 23.55 Malai Monologues 00.05 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.35 BBC3 New Film Makers Award 01.05 Postcards from Wales 01.10 Art in the City 01.40 Killing Time 02.10 Asian Pop: Music on Three 02.25 Malai Monologues 02.35 BBC3 New Film Makers Award

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.25 Airline 13.55 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Movies Now 17.55 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Seal... In the Studio Comedic clips of what happened when George Harrison let his pet sea lion loose in Abbey Road.

20.00 The Biggest Women in Britain Featuring Britain's only female sumo wrestler, an oversize dance instructor and an Essex wife who has mastered the art of being size 28 and sexy. Excuse me, I’m just being sick...

21.00 Killers on Camera 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 Celebrities Exposed: Viva La Diva 23.30 Murder City Would you live there if it was called that?

01.00 Jerry Springer 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman 02.35 Teleshopping 03.35 ITV2 Nightscreen

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.10 USA Under the Knife 14.15 FILM: A Month of Sundays ** 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager The starship investigates a nebula which has been emitting a high level of omicron particles. Yawn.

18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons When the Simpsons fly to Brazil to find a missing orphan whom Lisa has been sponsoring, Homer is kidnapped. Awesome large-breasted kids’ TV scenes.

19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 21.00 Stupid and Dangerous 22.00 FILM: Black Rain *** 00.25 Britain's Hardest Badgers. Stripe fights to the death against Flea Bag. 01.25 Star Trek: Voyager 02.15 Star Trek: Voyager 03.05 ER 03.55 Cops 04.20 JAG 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Rachel is surprised when her parents show up at her birthday party. I can think of more surprising times for them to show up. Like in the middle of her being ravished by a large alsatian called Clive. 17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine?

19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Faking It 22.00 Father Ted Flying back from a visit to a shrine, the priests are in mortal danger when the Monkey Priest of Killybashangel goes mad in the cockpit. Amazing episode with fantastic “Do not push this button” scenes.

22.35 He's Starsky, I'm Hutch And I’m TV Andy. Can you guess which one of us doesn’t fight crime?

23.40 Eurotrash 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Trigger Happy USA 01.10 Faking It 02.10 Father Ted

As S4C except: 06.00 Insektors 08.30 Cheers Diane develops an allergic reaction to Frasier's dog. Otherwise known as Lillith. 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Health & Social Care. 9.55 Extra 1: En Francais. 10.20 The Hoobs. 10.45 Water, Moon, Candle, Tree & Sword. 11.00 Being Different. 11.10 Teaching Citizens. 11.35 More Than Love. 12.30 Icons: Grace Kelly 12.45 FILM: The Elusive Pimpernel ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 My Place in the Sun 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Misadventures in a White Desert 20.00 Relocation, Relocation 21.00 Grand Designs 22.00 ER 23.05 Frasier Frasier becomes jealous of Niles's celebrity status during Maris's trial and attempts to use the radio awards to upstage him.

23.30 Sex and the City 00.35 The Simple Life 01.05 4 Music: Ear Candy 01.40 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 01.55 4 Music: Doves in Profile

Thursday

Page 19

March 22-28 2004

itisdirtyandyouwantit@TVJohn.com

No Angels S4C 10.10pm

Black Books C4 10pm

Jake 2.0

My Eden

Sky One 8pm

C4 12.30pm

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Tartan Smalls: The Choir 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Ethelbert the Tiger 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 Revisewise Shorts 10.30 Starship 10.50 The Way Things Work 11.05 What? Where? When? Why? 11.20 Bobinogs 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 FILM: Random Harvest *** 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 A Seaside Parish must be one of the most exciting places to be, ever.

Imagine...all that goosepimpled, nubile flesh in bikinis getting vicars sweating under their dog collars...or not.

19.30 Fishlock's Sea Stories 20.00 Ray Mears's Extreme Survival 20.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes Probably King Salmon or something equally retarded and aquatic. It is Rick Stein who’s obsessed with fish, isn’t it?

21.00 Horizon: The Truth of Troy 21.50 Trouble at the Top 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Desi DNA 23.50 FILM: Basquiat *** 01.35 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Britain's Best Back Gardens 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Boohbah 15.45 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 16.00 Big Meg, Little Meg 16.30 Eliminator 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.15 24 Hour Quiz Three 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Robert is stunned when Donna makes a shocking confession about why she is off sex. She has arse scabies/herpes/tonsillitus (no deep throating for him)...or maybe not.

My libido didn’t suffer due to any of the above.

19.30 Beacons: Giving Something Back A series about people curling turds all over the open air of the Brecons.

20.00 The Bill 21.00 Murder City 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week Is still full of inconsequential evil.

Tesco has run out of bara brith, the florist is having trouble with her daffs and there’s termites in the leeks, etc. etc.

Sorry - porn alert! Andy has found some rather tasty fat women, naked, laying out their surplus flesh and flaps for all to see. 23.30 Start Up 00.00 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 Grounded for Life 01.20 The District 02.10 1991 Forever 03.00 Cybernet 03.30 Ocean Colour Scene in Profile

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.25 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 13.05 Planed Plant Bach: Clwc 13.15 My Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Dennis a Dannedd 16.25 Planed Plant: Crafwr 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Dai learns some new skills involving trout and oblivious ladies - you know what I’m saying. Macs is in for a shock when it turns out to be sunny, ho ho!

20.25 8 Munud O'r 80' 20.35 Aelodau yn Unig 21.10 Darn o Dir Mike's relationship with his mother deteriorates further because of his behaviour. Come on, not everyone suffers from the Oedipus complex, Mike. Give her a bit of space...then fist her.

21.40 Slaymaker 22.10 No Angels It is agreed that this is complete and utter shite. Please avoid, or the sake of your sanity. If you like bad jokes, read TV listings.

23.10 Six Feet Under Keith expresses the desire to invite other men into his and David's bed. Yay! Threesomes at last!

No need for bad inferences by me! 00.15 Father Ted 00.45 Making Love with The Darkness 01.15 Monkey 02.05 Tour of Langkawi 02.30 FILM: The Quiller Memorandum ***

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Gunsmoke II - The Last Apache * 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Nick learns an important lesson about intolerance.

Yeah, you bender, how dare you diss lezzas. And Colleen is alarmed when she discovers a lump. In Don’s trousers. “But you’ve been impotent for years...haven’t you?”

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 19.15 Danger! Incoming Attack 19.45 UEFA Cup Football: Olympique Marseille v Liverpool Kick-off at 8.00.

22.05 FILM: The Last Marshal Well this looks like a barrel of laughs. It probably has some irrelevent sex scene, though, so may be saved. * 00.15 Five Football Night 00.55 UEFA Cup Football: Olympique Marseille v Liverpool 02.25 Dutch Football: Vitesse Arnhem v Ajax 03.55 Argentinian Football 05.25 Argentinian Football Highlights Jesus, it’s fucking footie night on five. How shit, expecially as even the people I know who do like football (it is possible) don’t even like Ajax games. Apparantly they’re boring. I wouldn’t know either way - I’d rather be out on the piss or shagging.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Three's a Crowd 19.45 Match of the Day Live: Barcelona v Celtic Kick-off at 8.00pm.

22.00 EastEnders Sharon's torn over her future. And Dennis’ pulsing cock, no doubt.

22.30 Celebrity Boat Race Is this a real programme? Why the fuck would anyone watch this? I suggest Channel 4’s delightful evening line up instead of this flangey tripe (imagine).

23.00 Live at Johnny's 23.30 Funky Animators Joe Cornish presents the final shortlist from the BBC Talent 2003 Funky Animators competition, featuring the six films and some classic and unusual moments from film and TV history. Could be good. 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Super DJs: Music on Three 00.45 Malai Monologues 01.00 3 Non-Blondes 01.30 Art in the City 02.00 Postcards from Wales 02.05 Funky Animators 02.35 Super DJs: Music on Three 02.50 Malai Monologues 03.05 Postcards from Wales

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Dancing in the Street round your prams with your gold earrings swaying, shitters. Joke!

17.55 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Seal... In the Studio and an aardvark in the audience.

20.00 Celebrities Exposed: Viva La Diva We hardly need this programme to realise that spoon-fed twats from Hollywood are particularly demanding, do we?

21.00 It's Good to Be... Ben Affleck So you can have a big chin and bounce off J-Lo’s arse.

21.30 FILM: Thelma and Louise **** 00.00 Footballers' Wives 01.00 Jerry Springer 01.50 Late Show with David Letterman 02.40 Teleshopping 03.40 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 USA Under the Knife 14.15 FILM: The Outsider ** 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Jake 2.0 Having just deleted the listing, I am wondering what this is about. Well, I will hazard a guess that it’s about a sufferer of the awful affliction micropenis, who is currently measuring in at a pitiful two inches. Shame on you for laughing at his terrible plight.

Teehee.

21.00 24 22.00 Cold Case 23.00 The Handler 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.50 ER 02.40 Alias 03.30 Popular 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show Tristan has asked if I am ashamed of sharing the love of cock with Alex. Simple answer: no.

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Joe Millionaire 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends With Charlie Sheen.

17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine?

19.00 Joe Millionaire 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 What Sadie Did Next 23.00 Proper Bo Selecta! Best bits. Ahem.

23.35 Friends Monica prepares a fabulous Thanksgiving feast for the gang, but is furious when everyone arrives late to the gathering. Probably because they’re all too busy rimming in the bathroom.

00.05 ER 00.55 Hollyoaks 01.25 Trigger Happy USA 01.55 What Sadie Did Next 02.20 T4 Loves Sex and the City Look, there’s no need to still be harping on about it.

02.45 Proper Bo Selecta!

03.10 Trigger Happy USA

As S4C, except: 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Health & Social Care. 9.55 Extra 1. 10.20 The Hoobs. 10.45 Water, Moon, Candle, Tree & Sword. 11.00 Being Different. 11.10 Teaching Citizens. 11.35 Classic Short Prose. 12.30 My Eden People wonder round naked and fuck.

12.40 FILM: The Silent Enemy *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 My Place in the Sun 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Misadventures in a White Desert 20.00 A Place in the Sun 20.30 A Place in Greece 21.00 The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off Minging, scary and upsetting by turns. Apparently. 22.00 Black Books Manny's parents come to stay, but Bernard cannot wait for them to leave.

22.30 Father Ted 23.05 Six Feet Under 00.15 NYPD Blue 01.10 Cycling: Tour of Langkawi 2004 01.35 Cutting Edge: I Confess to looking at porn every time I come into GR. 02.30 FILM: Funny Games *** 04.20 Trans World Sport 05.15 Countdown

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale Tickets for the Summer Ball are on sale now. They are priced at £34.

The event is to be staged at Cooper’s Field, a much-anticipated return after 4 years away. The event promises to be the highlight of the year, so get your tickets quickly. Keep your eyes peeled for news on who and what will be performing this year within the union.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Moneyspinners 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Cash in the Attic 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents 16.55 Feather Boy 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours David seeks revenge on Serena's behalf.

Maybe that involves giving Chris Cousins a good seeing to - who knows? Sky's prank on Erin goes horribly wrong. Oh no! I love Sky so much she has become a bit iconic to me. Sad, but true - and anyway, better than having Helen Daniels as your role model.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Born To Win: Tomorrow's Champions - yesterday’s losers.

19.30 EastEnders Charlie's return party goes awry, as the Ferreiras' fun comes to an abrupt end.

Oh dear.

20.00 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries Why are the middle class of suburbia so interested in murder?

Actually, I think I’ve just answered my own question.

21.30 A Life of Grime 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time 23.35 Dragon's Eye 00.05 This Week 00.55 FILM: Love in Ambush **-

THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50

Friday

Today in your Union

Page 20

March 22-28 2004

motherfuckingcunttitwankpussylickingface@updater.co.uk

LASHTASTIC With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale Tickets for the Summer Ball are on sale now. They are priced at £34.

The event is to be staged at Cooper’s Field, a much-anticipated return after 4 years away. The event promises to be the highlight of the year, so get your tickets quickly. Keep your eyes peeled for news on who and what will be performing this year within the union.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

THE TAF

Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1

Inside An Uncle BBC2 8.10am

How We Study Children BBC2 2.30am

Change For The better? Home and Away ITV1 11.05pm

five 6pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Moneyspinners 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Cash in the Attic 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 ChuckleVision 16.15 Intergalactic Kitchen 16.40 What's New Scooby Doo? 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Sky and Erin call a truce. Who’s Erin? Is she fit? Will she get naked like Serena? Here’s hoping.

Svetlanka offers the Bishops an end to their troubles - cyanide pills.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 18.55 Party Conference Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 19.00 A Question of Sport Sue Barker introduces a special World Cup winners edition of the programme, where the boys of '66 take on England's World Cup heroes of 2003. The crusties to win by a mile.

19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 My Family How can this shite get a fifth series?

21.00 The Worst Week of My Life Amusing Meet The Parents rip off.

21.30 Wild West 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With the God-like Simon Pegg.

23.30 The Big Impression 00.00 Boxing

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 07.20 All or Nothing 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Tartan Smalls: Inside an Uncle 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Rubbadubbers 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 Magic Key 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Let's Write NonFiction 11.20 Let's Write NonFiction 11.40 BBC Primary Geography: Portrait of Europe 12.00 Wildlife on Two 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 The Life Laundry 14.00 Conference 2004 16.00 This Land 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.25 Three's a Crowd 18.55 Scrum V Live: Scarlets v Connaught 21.00 The Genius of Mozart 22.00 Gardeners' World 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Party Conference Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 23.40 FILM: The Real Blonde With the stunningly gorgeous Catherine Keener. *** 01.20 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Passing Judgements 02.30 How We Study Children By locking them in an electrified pen and watching them hunting each other for sport.

03.00 A Question of Identity Berlin and Berliners 04.00 Defining Moments 04.30 Sydney - Living with Difference 05.00 News and the Democratic Agenda?

05.30 Insights into Violence

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Britain's Best Back Gardens 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Tractor Tom 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 As Told by Ginger 16.30 Teen Angel 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Charity is shocked into defiance when Zoe makes her an unexpected offer to join her muff diving club.

19.30 Coronation Street Claire does her best to turn Ashley's head with a large pair of bull-nosed pliers.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald Inspector Morse 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Party Political Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 23.05 Change for the Better?

Valerie, a 49-year-old from Llanrumney in Cardiff, is sick of hearing cheesy comments about her 38F bust. She has saved for years for a breast-reduction operation and has an appointment with Welsh plastic surgeon Dai Davies in Harley Street.

Riath’d better be quick then...

23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 2DTV 01.35 Undeclared 02.00 Entertainment Now! 02.30 CD:UK Hotshots 02.55 Today with Des and Mel 03.45 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.10 World Sport 04.35 Mixmasters 05.00 ITV Nightscreen

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.00 Channel 4 attheraces from Doncaster and Newbury 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Party Conference Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 19.25 Darllediad Cynadleddol y Blaid Lafur Gymreig 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 8 Munud O'r 80' Au 20.35 Nia 21.35 Cyflwyniad Eugene Onegin 21.45 Jonathan 22.30 Friends 23.00 NY Graham Norton 00.05 Black Books After the Stalinist purges last week we have the pleasure of meeting Manny’s parents. Expect Bernard to be less than happy about it...

00.35 South Park 01.05 King of the Hill 01.30 Futurama 01.55 FILM: The Wicker Man Classic British horror film which I bigged up last week and will give my wholehearted praise for again. One of the few films that scared the living shite out of me when I first saw it, the others being Ringu (The Ring), Audition, Alien and Maid In Manhattan. **** 03.45 Tour of Langkawi I’ve just been asked by TV John if flange is a verb as well as a noun. Well my knowledge of slang is good, but not that good - anyone reading have a clue?

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Race through Time *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Colleen is devastated by her mammogram results which reveal her breasts are actually made out of marshmallows.

18.30 Family Affairs The Costellos are distraught as Chrissy is dragged kicking and screaming to a mental hospital. I’m just hoping the writers follow her into those padded cells...

19.00 five news 19.30 Easter in Art 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 Dream Holiday Home 21.00 FILM: Analyze This Not a bad comedy in the greater scheme of things and infinitely better than its sequel. *** 23.00 FILM: Dusting Cliff 7 ** 00.45 The Shield 01.30 FILM: In the Arms of a Killer * 03.05 FILM: Looking for Trouble * 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters Much to my annoyance News Desk has muted my iPod for their own CD of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Now if they asked I would have been fine - but now sonic justice must be achieved!

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Three's a Crowd 19.45 The Darkness: Music on Three 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Celebrity Boat Race 21.30 Pulling Moves Shay finds himself in a position where a little white lie leads on to bigger ones. Like lying about his sexual orientation...

22.00 EastEnders Garry and Mickey's scam lands them in hot water with Ian. Horrid group bath scenes.

22.30 Pulling Moves 23.00 What Would you Do? Live interactive drama exploring today's big ethical questions.

Viewers may send text messages telling the actors what to do next. Unfortunately my text instucting them to “Fuck Off and Die” wasn’t screened last week.

23.30 Late Night Shorts Like those “tasteful” Bermuda ones you keep at the bottom of your underware drawer.

02.30 Malai Monologues 02.45 Art in the City 03.15 How the War Was Spun

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Seal... In the Studio 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 American Idol 22.10 American Idol 22.35 Coronation Street 23.05 Club Reps Uncut 00.05 Jerry Springer 00.50 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 The John Walsh Show 02.30 Teleshopping 03.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Is it just me or is this the identical line-up to Wednesday? I’m very strongly tempted to ditch this channel of shite and replace it with the marginally better BBC4. To be fair even BidUp TV would be better than this.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 14.15 FILM: Changing Hearts ** 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager The crew encounter some very hospitable aliens. But appearances prove to be deceptive. There’s a surprise.

18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Futurama 19.30 Futurama 20.00 The Simpsons Homer's popularity skyrockets when he is chosen as the leader of a secret organisation. “And this is the paddling of the swollen ass with paddles.”

20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 FILM: Monty Python's The Meaning of Life Classic madness. *** 23.00 There's Something about Miriam She’s hung like a mule.

00.00 The Premiership's Greatest... Moments 01.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.50 Star Trek: Voyager 02.40 ER

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Joe Millionaire 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine?

19.00 Joe Millionaire 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 No Angels Beth finally finds herself a wealthy man who doesn't bore her to tears, but a troublesome patient stops her in her tracks. To be fair - who cares? This drivel bored me after 30 minutes of the first episode and looks to have got steadily worse.

22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 The Secret Life of Us 00.00 Oz 01.55 Hollyoaks 02.25 No Angel 03.10 Without a Trace I’ve just shown everyone the banned Channel 4 promo with all their famous faces swearing like troopers. It’s up at www.updater.co.uk and is fucking hilarious.

As S4C except: 06.00 Insektors 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Health and Social Care. 9.55 Extra 1.

10.20 The Hoobs. 10.45 Water, Moon, Candle, Tree and Sword.

11.00 Being Different. 11.10 Film Focus. 11.35 Classic Short Prose. 12.30 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 My Place in the Sun 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Without Prejudice?

20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Will and Grace Will's laptop is stolen while Grace is supposed to be looking after it, and a shy detective lures Will out on a date to a gay club. With Michael Douglas being a big gay man.

22.00 NY Graham Norton 23.05 Bo Selecta!

23.40 Banzai 00.10 The Carling Live New Kings of Rock 'n' Roll 00.40 South Park 01.10 The Grill 01.35 Futurama 02.00 King of the Hill 02.25 The PJs

Saturday

March 22-28 2004

Page 21

scarletbra@newsdesk.co.uk

David Dickinson

The Arch Never Sleeps BBC2 2am

The Morning Line S4C 9am

Film: Baby Boom

Animal Park

C4 8pm

BBC2 12.45pm

10.00 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 10.30 The Naked Chef 11.00 Kitchen Invaders 11.30 The Nation's Favourite Food 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Animal Park 13.45 Animal Park 14.45 Bill Oddie's History Hunt 15.40 Watching the Detectives: Cagney and Lacey 16.30 Watching the Detectives: The Rockford Files 17.20 The Good Life 17.45 Wales on Saturday Ancestors: The Stonehenge 18.15 Enigma 18.55 Britain's Best Sitcom: The Top 50 Countdown ...Mad About Alice, All About Me, My Hero, Holding the Baby, Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, My Family, Love Thy Neighbour...

21.55 LIVE: Britain's Best Sitcom: The Final 23.25 (GMT) FILM: 54 Allegedly “gritty” portayal of the 70s New York nightclub. “Has lots of beautiful people in it.” Given the only name I’ve got to work with here is Mike Myers, I beg to differ given he won’t be dressed as Wayne Campbell, but TV Andy knows his ladies. I’d never know who Paris Hilton was if it wasn’t for him. *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: (BST) The Arch Never Sleeps 02.30 Just Seventeen: The Geometry of Patterns 03.00 The Vernacular Tradition 03.30 A Life of Time 04.00 Breathing Deeply 04.30 The Challenge 05.00 After the Genome 05.30 What Have the 90s Ever Done for Us? Good question. 90s culture big bulldog ass. All these 90s culture round-ups ever cover is a) Britpop (hideous music meets hideous nationalism), Loaded magazine (fuck-awful escalating lad culture) and New Labour (insert expletive here).

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 On the Ball 13.40 Quincy, ME 14.40 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.00 ITV1 Wales 17.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.30 New You've Been Framed!

18.00 Stars in Their Eyes: Kids Undercooked little motherfuckers.

19.10 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway Outrageously bad primetime viewing. BBC1’s attempts to battle back next week: Come Dancing with Bruce Forsythe. Thank God I don’t have a TV. 20.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.15 Murder in Suburbia 22.15 ITV News 22.30 The Premiership 00.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.25 (GMT) FILM: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Sounds genius. Based on the TV series of the same name (without the “3000” part), Mystery Science Theatre works in a kind of Beavis and Butthead kind of way, with two geeks watching old science fiction movies and talking over them. This film spin-off, which is no doubt better than Beavis and Butthead Do America because it doesn’t have the Red Hot Chili Peppers on the soundtrack, adds very little in the way of plot, and the nerdy double act drivel on about This Island Earth, a C movie from the 1950s.

Fantastic. ** 02.35 (BST) CD:UK 03.30 Dare to Believe 03.55 The Machine 04.20 Entertainment Now! 04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News 06.00 Little Lord Cuntleroy.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Trans World Sport 08.00 Mick Channon: A Man for All Seasons 09.00 The Morning Line 09.50 Postmodern Pastimes 10.00 Cynhadledd y Blaid Lafur Gymreig 2003 12.00 Smash Hits Chart 12.30 A Wife for William: The Nation's Top 5 Countdown 13.00 As If 13.30 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Wales v Italy 15.50 Salvage Squad 16.50 What Killed the Megabeasts?

18.50 Newyddion a Chwaraeon Grab that spoon, Welshboys!

19.05 Eugene Onegin Yeah!

S4C definitely know how to party on a Saturday night. ITV1 have Ant and Dec, BBC2 has sitcoms galore, and what do we have here? No less than two hours and 50 minutes of the Welsh National Opera.

Priceless. Apparently the two lowest viewing figures ever for television programmes were adaptations of opera (the lowest was something like 17, although God knows how they work these things out), S4C obviously haven’t realised this. My advice: be a record breaker, don’t watch this.

“It’s Russian” - Dep Ed Alex.

21.55 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol Six Nations rugby highlights.

22.35 FILM: True Romance Written by Quentin “Nerd” Tarantino. I saw a Chinese man who looked like Quentin Tarantino in the St David’s Centre the other week.

00.55 (GMT) The 100 Greatest Films 1) Jumanji 2) You Flanged Me

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Dawson's Creek 10.55 Shake! 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.24 Cunt-crunching Bison Boners of the Monolithic Age 12.25 Tintin 13.00 Zentrix 13.30 Beyblade 14.00 Robot Wars 15.05 The Chart 15.35 FILM: The Whistle Blower *** Fnarr!

17.30 FILM: Columbo: Identity Crisis With Patrick McGoohan, of Prisoner fame 19.20 Charmed 20.10 five news and sport 20.25 Martial Law 21.15 CSI: Miami US 22.10 Law and Order 23.10 FILM: Mermaids *** 02.15 (GMT) Boxing: Fight of the Week: Diaz v Corley 03.05 (BST) Boxing Classic: Nigel Benn v Kid Milo 03.45 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kick Boxing 04.20 Cold War 05.10 Sons and Daughters Fun game: Spot the television program that I have hilariously made up and slipped into todays listings on five. Clue: It took an age to come up with the title!

Elsewhere, I managed to get one of must be a single-figurenumber of The Black Heart Procession DVDs I was ranting about last week. It’s looking pretty damn special to me. I also ransacked the Virgin Megastores sale: highly recommended, as I got Lexicon Of Love by ABC for a mere £3.99, and a Cass McCombs EP for under four pounds. Great!

Elsewhere in TV John’s bargainhunting round-up - Douglas Coupland books for £3 in Fopp, Bruce Springsteen CDs in HMV for £5, and a hot night out with me - just £2.50.

19.00 The Other Boat Race 19.50 Fame Academy Next Generation 20.50 Making It at Holby 21.55 New Music on Three 22.50 Nine Lives of Alice Martineau Tribute to the late Alice Martineau, who battled to become a critically acclaimed singer/songwriter before the crippling disease she was born with claimed her life at the age of 29. So that would be the one life of Alice Martineau, then.

Apparently her music was subDido, sub-Eva Cassidy warbling energy-draining shite. Expect her to be huge, shortly.

23.50 Bunk Bed Boys Comedy about two Manchester lads who are still living at home with their mother even though well into their twenties. One is interested in animal rights, while the other works in a zoo. Doesn’t this sound good?

00.20 Sweet `n' Sour Comedy 00.50 (GMT) Malai Monologues 02.05 (BST) Postcards from Wales 02.10 Fame Academy Next Generation 03.10 Sweet `n' Sour Comedy

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.15 Quincy, ME 13.15 Planet's Funniest Animals 13.40 Tenants from Hell 14.40 CD:UK 15.40 Entertainment Today 16.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 17.00 Airline 17.30 Airline 18.00 Entertainment Today 18.50 Movies Now 19.00 Package Holiday 19.35 Package Holiday 20.10 Tradesmen from Hell I have issues with the titles of these programs - if tradesmen really came from hell, they wouldn’t just turn up at your house and install shoddy decking and not dig the pond properly. They’d turn up, tie up your family, rape your nearest and dearest with flaming insertion rods, then whip, beat and humiliate you infront of the people you bullied at school, and then make you listen to Elevation by U2 as they feed you boiled cabbage, before tromboning you. Twice. 21.15 FILM: GI Jane * 23.35 Club Reps Uncut (GMT) Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 02.40 (BST) Teleshopping 03.40 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity Hey, you know what? Stargate’s shit! Nobody watches it, and the film was shit. Next week: Oxygen is good for you. 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 17.00 Jake 2.0 18.00 Stargate SG-1 Heroes - Sam Carter 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 24 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.00 Cold Case 00.00 Angel 00.50 (GMT) World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 03.40 (BST) America's Dumbest Criminals 04.05 Cribs 04.20 Star Trek: The Next Generation 05.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation

14.00 Less Than Perfect 14.20 Making the Band 14.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends 17.30 The OC Orange County 18.30 The OC Orange Cunts 19.30 The OC Odious Cunts 20.30 Friends 21.00 Shameless 22.00 NY Graham Nor00.15 (GMT) The Sopranos 02.25 (BST) Kingpin 03.10 Making the Band Bugger all on E4 (surprise!) so lets fill up this ol’ space here. Formed A Band by Art Brut as early entry for single of the year. Spot the difference: Paul Weller’s awful solo material and the new Pete Doherty single. Black Books - better than Father Ted? Discuss. Is Kelly Osbourne a virgin? Her boyfriend was a bit haggard. I’m sat in the corner of the office reserved for formal letters of complaint pinned to the wall. Basement Jaxx are hideously overrated discuss. TV Desk. If I was Irish, I’d kick the shit out of all the bandwagon-jumping asshole Guinness drinkers who hijack my saint’s day to sick up everywhere. If I was St Patrick, I’d send the snakes to get them.

09.50 T4: Smash Hits 10.20 T4: A Wife for William 10.55 T4: Friends 11.25 T4: Friends Ross 12.00 T4: The OC 12.55 T4: As If 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces 1.40, 2.10, 2.45 and 3.15 races from Doncaster, plus the 1.55 and 3.00 races from Newbury. 15.30 Regency House Party 16.30 Regency House Party 17.35 FILM: Ghostbusters II Not as good as the first, and has John Cage (not the Mortal Kombat character or the avant garde composer) in it. ** 19.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 20.00 FILM: Baby Boom *** 22.00 25 Years of Smash Hits Shitrag. Although covers better music than the NME so give it some credit. 23.40 Dawn of the Dead 00.00 Carling Live Presents The New Kings of Rock 'n' Roll The Mines of Solomon, surely! 00.30 (GMT) NY Graham Norton 02.30 4 Music: (BST) Ear Candy 03.00 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 03.15 4 Music: Mastercard Mobo Awards 2003 04.45 Off Centre 05.05 Off Centre

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale Tickets for the Summer Ball are on sale now. They are priced at £34.

The event is to be staged at Cooper’s Field, a much-anticipated return after 4 years away. The event promises to be the highlight of the year, so get your tickets quickly. Keep your eyes peeled for news on who and what will be performing this year within the union.

THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Round the Twist 06.55 Evolution: The Animated Series 07.15 Tom and Jerry Kids 07.40 Arthur 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Six Nations Grandstand 13.05 Rugby Union Build-Up 14.00 Rugby Union: Wales v Italy.

Wooden-spoon-tastic. 16.00 Rugby Union: Ireland v Scotland 16.45 Football Update 16.50 Rugby Union: Ireland v Scotland 17.50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 18.05 The Other Boat Race 19.00 Casualty 19.50 Six Nations Grandstand: 20.10 France v England 21.55 The National Lottery Jet Set 22.25 BBC News; Weather 22.40 Parkinson With Ross Kemp, Alastair Campbell, Jimmy Carr and Norah Jones. OK, swift run through: Bald twat boytoy of Sun editor Rebekah “Paedophile” Wade; receding twat boytoy of Deputy Editor Alex; patchy miserable comedian; and Dido’s main rival for who can be queen of the most tedious music known to the human race. Wow, speaking of Norah Jones, I think it’s time for a dinner party.

23.40 (GMT) FILM: Point Blank With Lee Marvin of Wandrin’ Star fame. **** 02.10 (BST) Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 03.10 A Question of Sport 03.40 Top of the Pops Hopefully Usher at number one, although the TOTP version doesn’t have Ludacris’ rap, which is great: “Watch out, my outfit’s ridiculous...” 04.10 Joins BBC News 24

COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30

Sunday

Today in your Union

Page 22

March 22-28 2004

titwank@chesticles.co.uk

THE TAF WHO WANTS TO BE A CLEVER DICK Quiz £3 per team (max 6) Up to £350 in drink vouchers to be won!

Sunday Sessions: Jugs of Carling, Worthy and Strongbow £6.00

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale Tickets for the Summer Ball are on sale now. They are priced at £34.

The event is to be staged at Cooper’s Field, a much-anticipated return after 4 years away. The event promises to be the highlight of the year, so get your tickets quickly. Keep your eyes peeled for news on who and what will be performing this year within the union.

Time Team C4 5.05pm

Bridezillas ITV1 1.55am

Viva La Diva

A Child’s World

ITV2 10.05pm

C4 4.45am

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 BBC News 12.05 Parkinson 12.20 Match of the Day Live: Rangers v Celtic 14.30 Keeping Up Appearances 15.00 EastEnders 17.00 University Boat Race 2004 Or rather “haw haw haw, put some welly into it boys, what what!”

18.40 My Family 19.10 Last of the Summer Wine When Smiler finds himself being pursued by a woman who believes he is rich, Truly comes up with a few radical solutions to shake her off.

Yippee!

19.40 BBC News; Weather 20.00 Born and Bred Tom and Arthur agree to suspend their hostilities to treat Eddie's illness. Shame she’s not so near death she can’t hear you, eh boys.

21.00 Passer By Joe Keyes witnesses what he thinks might be the start of a sexual assault on a latenight train. But he doesn't intervene because he can't be sure. Righto.

Just cheering up the nation of commuters before tomorrow then.

22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Saddam on the Run 23.10 On Show 23.40 FILM: Dracula 2000 Adaptation of the classic horror story in which the Count escapes to modern-day New Orleans, hoping to wreak revenge on the daughter of his long-time nemesis.

Very possibly shite. ** 01.20 FILM: The House That Dripped Blood You’d think they would have noticed that before they moved in.

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: The Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 06.55 Taz-Mania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 FightBox 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Big Screen Britain 12.55 Sunday Grandstand 16.55 Songs of Praise 17.30 Natural World: Wolf Pack 18.20 Scrum V 19.00 When Black Became Beautiful: Out of Africa Iman, Naomi Campbell, Tyra Banks and others talk about being black in today's society.

20.00 I Met Osama Bin Laden Well I didn’t, and I suspect I am very unlikely to.

20.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks Christ, this in on for ten minutes everyday, and frankly what is the point? I don’t want to know how to survive on a windy mountain top with only goats for company. I know what I’d do.

21.00 In This World 22.30 FILM: Man on the Moon Biopic of controversial comedian Andy Kaufman. Star of Taxi and Saturday Night Live, Kaufman was a troubled individual for whom the boundaries of reality and stage performance were often blurred. Frequently misunderstood, even by those closest to him, he remained a strictly maverick entertainer until his untimely death from lung cancer in 1984. Looking forward to trying to watch this, before falling into an alcohol-related weekend coma. *** 00.20 Rugby Special 01.05 World Superbikes: Round 2: Philip Island 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Wise at Work: Money Matters: Cashwise

06.00 GMTV 09.25 The Premiership 10.30 The Story Keepers 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Soccer Sunday 12.30 Waterfront 13.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.00 Speed Sunday 15.00 Jacob's Ladder 15.30 Agatha Christie's Poirot 17.30 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.45 Grass Roots A group of junior school children swap their classroom for a network of caves for the day, and a visit to the only thatched farm cottage on Anglesey - now a museum.

WTF? 18.15 How to Holiday 18.45 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Cain is released from prison and targets Scott for the trouble he has caused.

Robert and Katie are forced together. Yum. 19.30 Coronation Street Penny's double-dealing with Fred leads Ashley to a shocking discovery.

Never take it up the arse and expect people to keep it secret.

20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 William and Mary Shite, shite, shite. I appeal to you all to never watch this, unless you want to commit suicide early at the thought of what middle age entails.

22.00 Hardware 22.25 2DTV 22.50 Creature Comforts 23.00 ITV News 23.15 The Premiership 00.15 Faith and Music 01.00 Lads Army 01.55 Bridezillas 02.20 Today with Des and Mel 03.05 The Entertainers 03.30 Cybernet 04.00 ITV Nightscreen

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Football: South American Championship 08.00 ICC Cricket World 08.30 VeeTV 09.00 The Simple Life 09.30 The Grill 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Maniffesto 13.30 Joe Millionaire UK 14.15 Stargate SG-1 15.00 The OC 15.50 Y 18.00 Clwb Rygbi 18.05 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Omnibus.

Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cefn Gwlad 21.00 Emyn Roc a Rol Drama series about an 80s rock band and its members Alan, Kev, Dyfrig, Eryl and Matthew. Alan is disillusioned with his dull life but an old flame ignites a glimmer of hope.

Hmm. If only this weren’t in Welsh, then perhaps I could be bothered to watch. I hate the fact that I have no chance to watch any decent Channel 4 or five programmes.

21.45 Newyddion 21.55 The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off Yay, at least they’ve put this on though. I love evil things involving pus, skin and illness, as I think I’ve said before.

Except apparently the boy in this documentary is really nice, so maybe I’ll even get to be sympathetic (it happens sometimes).

22.55 Mel Gibson - God's Lethal Weapon Really?

00.00 Regency House Party 01.00 Travelling into Trouble A journey on Woodville Road after Come Play in the blackest hours of the early morning. Yes, watch out for eggings, kids. I’ll have your bollocks for earrings if I catch you.

02.00 FILM: The Red Beret **

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 The Jesus Effect 07.00 Barney 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.05 The Ice Cream Machine 11.20 Aliens among Us 11.35 Braceface 12.05 Revelations 12.40 Divine Designs 13.10 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 Robot Wars 14.50 FILM: A League of Their Own Evil girl-power film featuring Madonna as a tit.

17.15 Dream Holiday Home 17.45 five news and sport 18.05 FILM: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory Uhoh, nightmares ahoy. *** 20.00 Ice Alert 20.30 Volcano Alert It’s very kind of five to dole out these warnings, but to be fair I think they’re going to fall on deaf ears...

21.00 FILM: Judge Dredd Shite, apparantly, but interesting because it allows me to say that Sly Stallone’s mum is a bum reader again. ** 22.50 World's Wildest Police Videos 23.45 Shocking Behaviour Caught-on-tape CCTV and home video footage of bad behaviour including a clown entertainer who steals from children's piggy banks and a vomiting competition. That’s Jackass, isn’t it?

00.30 NHL Ice Hockey: Chicago Blackhawks v St Louis Blues 03.40 2004 Winter X Games 04.30 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix As pizza is about to be ordered, the office drools and falls silent.

19.00 Space Star Stuff 19.10 FILM: Chain Reaction This is lazy and crap of BBC3.

Get some more programmes, pronto.

21.45 Posh and Becks' Big Impression I hate impressions programmes, and I particularly dislike Alistair McGowan, who I suspect is smug and a shit shag.

22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Shit shit shit.

You must be dead of boredom if you only ever watch BBC3.

22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Nighty Night 23.30 Nighty Night Jill decides to infiltrate Cath and Don's lives further by inviting Don to dinner.

Isn’t it great to see Angus with a tramp’s/hillwalker’s beard?

00.00 Liquid Assets 01.00 Best of the Worst 01.25 Who Rules the Roost Me me me, with my big bum and loud voice.

02.25 Liquid Assets: George Michael's Millions Are tied up in the cottaging industry.

03.20 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps I’d love a pint now.

09.25 American Idol 11.05 American Idol 11.30 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 12.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.55 Coronation Street Secrets: Double Acts 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Confessions 20.00 American Idol US 21.40 American Idol The result 22.05 Celebrities Exposed: Viva La Diva 23.05 Coronation Street Todd finds a willing listener in Karl.

But he’s got problems of his own, with Susan screaming in his ear all the time.

23.35 Coronation Street Secrets: Double Acts Sadly not a look at who would like girl-ongirl action in the street, or who does live sex shows. But a look at boring, fat, erstwhile characters who your gran still tries to emulate.

00.35 Harry Hill's TV Burp 01.05 Entertainment Today 01.50 Teleshopping 02.50 The John Walsh Show 03.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.05 Trisha

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Captain Scarlet 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Scrubs 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 There's Something about Miriam 22.10 Mile High 23.10 There's Something about Miriam Extra 23.40 Porno Valley 00.10 Kirsty's Home Videos 00.40 Extreme Witness 01.40 World Wrestling Entertainment

14.00 Making the Band 14.25 Union Jack 14.55 The Simple Life 15.25 Blue: Live in Concert 17.00 Friends 17.30 The Grill 18.00 A Wife for William 18.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.25 The OC 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 The OC Ryan takes a job at seafood restaurant after befriending a busboy there.

Great!

23.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years Clark discovers his schoolmate Jordan can foresee the future. Little does he know that she is at this very moment trying to steal out of his pockets to fund her surgery habit.

00.20 The Secret Life of Us 01.20 Friends 01.50 A Wife for William 02.20 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 03.00 Union Jack 03.25 Making the Band Gah...so tired...can’t concentrate as Andy and John look at porn...

As S4C, except: 09.00 T4: Friends 09.30 T4: Popworld 10.30 T4: Hollyoaks 13.00 T4: Blue: Live in Concert Yikes.

14.00 T4: The Grill 14.35 T4: Will and Grace 15.05 Scrapheap Challenge USA 16.05 T4: Zero to Hero 17.05 Time Team 18.05 Friends 18.30 The OC 19.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather.

20.00 Travelling into Trouble 21.00 Mel Gibson - God's Lethal Weapon 22.00 FILM: Ransom Remake of a 1956 film. **** 00.10 Carling Live Presents The New Kings of Rock 'n' Roll The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster, and American act Amen.

00.45 Status Quo: Rock On and On 01.55 Comfortably Numb This has been on at least 10 times already. Maybe.

03.25 A Changed Man 03.40 Born to Be Different 04.40 Butterfly World 04.45 A Child's World: The Thinker 05.15 Countdown

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Matt’s Problem Page

March 22 2004

Page 23

grproblempage@cf.ac.uk : sniff my finger

Problem of the Week A response dialogue, it’s all about the US Dear Matt, Kennedy Part military sparing a specially modiI’m worried. I think my housemates fied Daisy Cutter, having it are plotting to kill me. I’ve seen VIII shipped over to Australia (if they them watching me when they think Dear Matt, My husband Karl has been drinking heavily. Yesterday I discovered a bottle of whisky in his office draw at the surgery.

He keeps hanging out with the blonde tart from across the road (this isn’t the first time he has been known to do this). I'm really worried my marriage is on the rocks especially as we've just rekindled our love after my memory loss. It’s even got to the stage of buying guilty gifts such as the expensive watch he bought me for Christmas.

Please help; I am awaiting your urgent counsel before returning from my daughter's home.

Worried Australian P.S How do you like my new twin sets?

OK then. You’ve all lost the plot, oui. Have you attempted to contact the scriptwriters? It may prove fruitful. Plead insanity on the grounds of having hair-indenial. How long can you maintain your sheen of innocent-girlwho-once-lost-memory? We all know you’re a big lezzer. Ramsey Street needs a nuclear holocaust to sort it out. Fuck stupid dogs that run behind cars at vital moments of marriage-saving

go off the left of the map they’ll get there quicker), and then have say, Harold Bishop pilot a Lancaster Bomber over Lasseters. They could do the whole programme in slowmotion, with each character being burned in spectacular fashion. Obviously, Karl would be the last to go, if at all. In fact his mid-life crisis could be saved by claiming responsibility for the explosion and then being incarcerated in Cuba.

More interestingly, what is a "twin set"? Or am I being stupid? Having just consulted my dear housemates, we have concluded that you are lying about something there. Why do I feel like this week’s page is going to be utterly useless? I knew this would happen eventually. Like trying to get semen out of a vasectomy. Also, when did a gift attain a conscience? Or am I trying far too hard now. That reminds me, I have to correct a terrible mistake I made last week – it was not Ted from the Really Wild Show. It was Terry.

Apologies to any zoologists who may or not have been driven to witch hunting proportions.

I’m not looking. I’ve just recently moved to Cardiff and everything was great but I think I have outstayed my welcome. I’m afraid they think I’m not cool enough or interesting enough to live in the house.

There was a moment a few weeks ago when I thought I’d finally been accepted and they were including me in their drinking games.

Unfortunately, it was not to be. The pint glass was merely a holding receptacle as they gave my bowl a much needed clean. What can I do?

I don’t have much to work with, just some brightly coloured pebbles. If only I had a castle, that would show those eengleesh pigdogs. It’s not like down south, I was always part of the party there. Please help me, my only friend in the house leaves me for long hours in the day because she’s doing a proper degree so I am left with these scheming layabouts.

Yours,

It took me ages to notice what this was about. Loyal readers will know of the plight of the goldfish from last week. Not sure I was expecting a goldfish to write to me but you crazy cats can say "oh how random!" (dickheads) and revel in its fishyfaced fantasy. i) Racism isn’t down with the kids – it’s only funny if the Daily Mail says so. ii) You’re a fish for fucksakes. iii) I bet you’re a really crap fish.

Plastic bags, gypsies and you were cultivated in a socially deprived pond. iv) I don’t care if you’re called Reuben if you don’t have a castle.

What kind of self-respecting goldfish doesn’t have a castle? v) At least they clean you out, you unrepenting, unappreciatative liemongerer. vi) If it’s so bad, next time they put you in the pint glass, use your dorsal fin as a lever to push the glass over.

That way you can die a martyr and can expect to fertilise a million carp’s eggs in a big castle-filled fishbowl on the "other side". Unless you’re all mouth, in which case I laugh at how weak you are.

A persecuted goldfish

As for being from down south, I can pass no comment.

PS - I’m not crap, I’m REUBEN!!

Matt Imposter!

Fame Academy poplet vs Lyn Scully!

Matt

Spot the difference!

That’s right there aren’t any.

This week is perhaps the most surreal collection of problems to date. Clearly, a goldfish and a soap character have crossed various boundaries of existence to email me. Keep them coming, especially if you have a problem with everything. grproblempage@cf.ac.uk

Deary me Name:______________ Email:________________ Tiebreaker : Two reasons why you didn’t vote in the Union elections please : _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _____

To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple, yes purple, competition boxes around the union.

Last week’s winner: Noel Douglas

Dear Matt Help, I’m addicted to sex.

I live with four girls and I’ve slept with three of them, and one of their mothers too. What do I do? I’ve missed coursework deadlines because I’ve been too busy doing other people. Last week I was having sex with a girl at the back of an empty theatre when a class started to arrive, so we had to get dressed quickly, but by the time we had the lecturer was there and we had to sit through the whole lecture, very boring, some crap about journalism or media, or one of those pointless subjects.

What do I do?

John S, Accountancy FC Firstly, you talentless shit, journalism is not a pointless study. It’s just as important as say, mathematics. Applied correctly, a critical perspective upon the media and its effects upon the world have more relevance in times of social unrest than ever before. It is important to distinguish that subjects that you deem "pointless" are probably better for you than something much less impractical. I won’t name any subjects, but you see,

Tall Mark’s Sonic Assault (Saturday 9-11pm) and SkaStudded (Sunday 8.30 – 10pm) both come to their ends this weekend. Listen to them or I’ll "hunt you down with a big fucking knife" as I have been prompted to say.

107.2fm.

it’s a little bit of a cliché to slag off the humanities side of university. Without which, by the way, you wouldn’t even have a fucking student newspaper and you’d probably grow up in a community governed by a totalitarian, unflinchingly brutal regime. Because, I think that journalism et al have a wider potential to make people read a bit further in to things. Besides, you’re probably less creative than me, which makes me better anyway.

Righto, so, you’re a pseudo-nymph boy. Give yourself a nasty STD by visiting the family planning clinic, climbing through those really weak roofing tiles found in such amenities, and have a gander for some swabs ready to be sent off for testing. Give a couple of them a lick, just to be sure, and if you’re feeling plucky then stick one up your arse. This should result in your penis becoming gangrenous or at least the equivalent of, and consequently, no one will want you. Especially not the mothers. Although I could speculate a few things about peoples’ mothers.

Are the girls you live with aware of your Rohypnol stash? I wonder.

Matt

Handy Tip of the Week Are you sitting comfortably?

Then I’ll begin. Once upon a time there was a boy who lived in a smallish house somewhere in the United Kingdom. He didn’t have many friends because the boy liked to play computer games and read inflammatory literature. The boy’s parents did not know that their son was doing so, as the boy would hide this libellous material under his medium sized bed.

The boy liked to eat grapes as part of a balanced diet, and would often make himself blended drinks using his mother’s whisk. The whisk sometimes rusted. One day the boy decided to go to school, for it may have been important to culturally enrich him. At school he caught up with his non-truanting friends by reading even more salacious literature, often about musicians of the 1960s. The boy took an interest in music, buying dozens of CDs. In his music classes the boy would play all of the instruments, but especially liked the piano.

He was not sure that the piano was the best avenue of musical expertise, and thusly started playing the xylophone. His peers began to bully him. He entered a downward spiral of drugs and alcohol abuse. His parents found all of his literature and burned it on a pyre in the garden. The pyre soon became a compost heap as several winters and Christmas trees later the boy learned to fell trees. Using these trees, the boy soon began to make spears, and a really rather special bow and arrow. This was frowned upon by his neighbours, as he would often shoot their pets. This led to a conviction for anti-social behaviour, and a fine of around £300. The boy took this out on his xylophone.

Eventually, the boy formed a band with several vagabonds from school. He became the drummer. They played lots of gigs, and the boy became obsessed with touring in a school bus. It was not the most economic of choices, and as such he was bullied again. Taking the opportunity to join his mother’s health spa, the boy would work out everyday, becoming strong and fit. He would then play gigs with little hardship. One day he saw fit to take his Tshirt off. This was seen as cool and it would gain him admirers. One time, he was playing this amazing show in a students’ union, and this utter bastard called Matt who wrote a problem page or something – was watching.

Matt threw a pint at the boy for drumming with his top off.

Matt deemed this a bad thing to do, because there was something about people playing music with their hideous nipples on parade that he took a dislike to. As such he wrote a Handy Tip of the Week designed to dissuade drummers from taking their tops off. It was not the etiquette to do so anymore.

Matt thought people who did this were trying to highlight their riches and subsequent use of their mother’s health spa facilities. Fat bastards.

Listings

Page 24

March 22 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday22/03

Tuesday23/03

Wednesday24/03

Thursday25/03

Fun Factory @ SU 9-2am. Free (NUS).

Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry.

Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play. 8pm £1.50.

Film Society @ UGC Meet in the UGC Bar at 8pm, film at 9pm.

Coordinated @ Amber Lounge New night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter.

7-11pm, £1 (NUS).

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Roni Size live, Tali, Full Cycle DJs £10 8-11pm The Constant Wife @ The New Theatre Somerset Maugham's classic comedy was one of London's biggest hits last summer.

Constance Middleton is a very rare creature witty, intelligent and captivating. John Middleton, her husband, is having an affair with her best friend. Although Constance and John are totally devoted, they have been married too long. So what should she do when neither accepting his infidelity nor throwing him out appeals to her? However, there is another more effective and entertaining way of reserving her dignity. Beware. Her charm is dangerously irresistible! Today until Sat. 7.30pm.

Student Standby tickets on the door from 6pm £5 (NUS) Not available Sat. Derek Acorah @ St. David’s Hall Join Derek Acorah, the UK’s No1 spirit medium and star of LIVING TV’s hugely popular Most Haunted series for an unique evening. Derek will share his special clairaudient talents and demonstrate the charisma which has gained him fans in the UK and abroad.

7.30pm From £12.

Live @ Barfly My Red Cell, SKWAD Success beckons for My Red Cell who have risen in recent months from the Barry pub circuit to the pages of the NME. Doors: 8pm. £6 adv.

Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors: 8pm. Show 9pm £3.50 (NUS) Bounce @ Barfly Drum and bass. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors 9pm £2.50 (NUS).

Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk. Bar till 2am happy hour drinks all night. Free entry.

Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots. No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11, £1.50 after.

Open Mic Night @ The Toucan Relaxed setting. £1 from 9pm.

SOUL MOTION @ Moloko Heavy Funk, raw soul, tamla motown, dancefloor jazz, boogaloo. Bar open till 2am,Cocktails £2.95, shots from £1, free entry. 8pm-2am Rory McLeod @ St. David’s Hall Rory McLeod is a self-taught, one-man world music phenomenon! His melodies are infused with influences drawn from a dizzying, multicultural mix of experiences.

Rory was awarded the prestigious ‘Best Live Act’ at BBC Radio 2’s Folk Awards in February 2002.

8pm From £8.

Live @ Barfly The Open, Mad Action, The Talk Doors: 8pm £5 adv.

Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…?

12 noon-2.30pm. Free.

Express @ Barfly 10pm-1am £3 (NUS).

All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco Popscene: indie Milky Bar: electric chill out and playstations!

What more could you want?

9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am £2.

Simple @ The Philharmonic Free.

Cheapskates @ Metros It may be a little dark cave but don’t let that put you off. This really is a legendary night...Go on, get yourself a musical education! Alternative and cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code. 9pm-2am.

Boomshanka @ The Toucan (Downstairs) The new night at the Toucan dedicated to late 60s/70s acoustic soul and hippy funk with a sensational new session band backing special guests as well as DJs playing anything from Crosby Stills & Nash to Little Feat, Joni Mitchell and The Beach Boys.

Wednesdays @ Moloko.

NEW! Weekly nights of of raunchy electro, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem.

City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra @ St. David’s Hall Andras Schiff has acquired an enviable reputation for performances that are both virtuosic and of profound intellectual power. Beethoven is at the centre of his repertoire and in this concert he appears both as conductor and pianist in three of Beethoven’s most powerful works – the heroic struggle of the Coriolan Overture, the Olympian strength of the Emperor Concerto and the Pastoral Symphony’s hymn to nature. 7.30pm Live @ Barfly Trans AM, Rock Of Travolta, Loguey £6 adv.

Rocknight @ Barfly Classic rock night. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska.

Doors: 10pm £3 (NUS).

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, DnB, breaks.

Drinks promotions all night. 9pm-2am. Free before 11, £1 after.

Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and RnB. 9pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am.

Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, ska, reggae.

Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm- 2am. Free.

The Super Furry Animals- DJs present ‘Rubbish’ @ The Toucan Super Furries DJ concept now resident to Thursday nights at the Toucan. Come and check out some of Wales’ finest spinning some seriously dodgy tunes but mixing them beyond recognition and transforming them in their own extreme way.

Hustler Showcase @ Solus 'The Re-return of the original platform' Ugly Duckling "Meatshake Spectacular Tour" Feat Pigeon John + Support from Sweden's answer to Jurrasic 5, Speech Defect + Money shot Doors 9pm.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Keys, Mooi, Gintis £6 8-11pm.

Live @ Journeys Paul Jones of The Room Orchestra will be bringing his band along to do an improvised set. An experimental work-out taking in jazz, krautrock and electronic soundscapes. This one is not to be missed.

Live @ Barfly Yossarian, Gisli, Chuck Ninja There are not a lot of people who can replicate the Beck sound and lyrics but it looks like Icelander Gisli has just managed that - it would seem that Gisli is around to stay for while.

Stylus To Close A compulsory purchase order on their premises is bringing Stylus’ six month run to an untimely end.

Fear not, they are looking for a new venue!

And of course, what’s a closing without a closing down party?

Head over on Friday and Saturday to bid a fond farewell... for now!

Friday26/03

Saturday27/03

Sunday28/03

Mad4it @ Barfly Indie classics, baggy beats, party tunes, legendary sounds. With the Vines album playback and giveaway!

10.30pm-2am £3.

Full Fat @ Moloko Full flavoured party, funk, hip-hop, breakbeats, motown, retro disco, and electro boogie. Is there anything they don’t play? Free before 11pm.

Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am.

Fridays @ Bar Ice Funky house and good grooves. 8pm-2am.

Free.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10.00pm £3.

Silent Running @ Clwb Ifor Bach With Total Science & DJ Clipz 10.00pm.

Feva @ Owain Glyndwr Sexy R‘n’B, classic soul.

8pm – 2am. £2. Every Friday and Saturday.

Holodeck @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm £6/7/8 That’s about as informative as it gets.

Cardiff University Choir and Orchestra @ St. David’s Hall Walton: Spitfire Prelude And Fugue, Butterworth: Idyll The Banks Of Green Willow, Vaughan Williams: The Lark Ascending and Britten: War Requiem.

Come and see what the orchestra and choir have been getting up to all term!

7:30pm From £4.50.

Live @ Barfly The Mountaineers, The Golden Virgins, Dave Dave & The Slave. Wrexham song-smiths The Mountaineers make a welcome return to Cardiff Barfly on Fri 26 March with The Golden Virgins and local band Dave Dave & The Slave (none of them are called Dave...) in support.

Doors: 8pm Tickets are £5 adv and include entry to the Mad4It!

Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco.

10.30pm-2am £3 (NUS).

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Zabrinski, Brave Captain £5 . 8-11pm.

The Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) Alternative hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk and punk with Osymyso. Doors: 11.30pm £3 (NUS).

Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm.

Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro.

9pm-3am.

Saturdays R Sexy @ Owain Glyndwr More R’n’B than you can shake a stick at. With Vibe 101’s DJ Raheem on the Turntables. Strict dress code applies on both nights: no hoods, caps, trainers, gents must wear a collar. They say: ‘This is a new venue so make an effort !’

8-2am. Free b4 8.30pm, £1 b4 9pm, £2 b4 10pm, £3 b4 11pm, £4 after. Got that?

Reload Sessions @ Oz Bar Basement Breakbeat, hih-hop DnB. 8pm. Free entry.

Saturdays @ Stylus Sexy, funky house. Most Saturdays. 10pm – 4am £10 / £8.

TThe Mothership Convention @ The Toucan The Residents return, ‘QUATTRO’ the clubs’ very own 7 piece funk ensemble. Featuring the talents of Diva Dionne and MC Funki Dregz. Lions on the decks and Krissy downstairs in the lounge.

The weekend alternative @ The Engine Rooms every two weeks! Retro, cheese, indie, funk, britpop, disco, rock, dance, electro and MORE...!

9pm till 2am. 80p a double + mixer! (does this remind you of anywhere else…?) £3.50 with NUS Shuttle Buses Will Be Running After The Club, Shuttling Into The City Centre at £1 per person. (OK I can forgive them for the stolen doubles price- this is a fantastic idea!)

BBC National Orchestra of Wales @ St. David’s Hall FRENCH CONNECTION Dutilleux: Métaboles, Ravel: Piano Concerto For The Left Hand, Berlioz: Symphonie fantastique.

An evening of French refinement, passion and fantasy. £6 (NUS) 7.30pm.

Live @ Barfly Pinstripe Mafia, White Noise, The Donde Stars.

Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7.30. £3 per team.

Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris. £3 Taboo@ Moloko World music till midnight.

Free entry.

Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry.

Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3.

Meltdown @ Journeys Featuring: Funhouse + the Victorian English Gentlemen's Club + Seven Clock. Bitch + Mr & Mrs Clark + stand up comedy (tbc) The irresistibly anarchic FUNHOUSE headline March's Meltdown mixing ska, soul, jazz, reggae and anything else that takes their fancy in their quest for the essence of pure fun.

Grungey-pop 3-piece The Victorian English Gentlemen's Club make a welcome return after their delicious set at the Feb Meltdown - we're pairing them up for a double header with Red Pony soon, watch this space. Seven Clock Bitch are a completely-new-to-us Cardiff-based indie rock outfit. Plus surreal comedy couple Mr & Mrs Clark, stand up comedy and a singersongwriter or two.

8pm £2.50 (NUS).

Hayley Westenra @ St. David’s Hall The story of this outstanding young singer’s rise to fame is the stuff of dreams. Her considerable talents were discovered by a local radio journalist whilst she was busking with her sister in her home town of Christchurch, New Zealand. The purity of her voice won her rapid acclaim, her first CD went triple platinum and she has become a rising star, performing alongside Bryn Terfel, Aled Jones and Russell Watson. £19.50 SOLD OUT. Live @ Barfly Cardiff Ricky Warwick (The Almighty) + Franc Tickets £7 adv.

Arthur Miller’s The Crucible is being put on by the university drama society Act One, this week. The play deals with the witchcraft trials that took place in 17th century New England. When it first opened, many rightly viewed the play as a commentary on the search for communists in America led by the extremist Senator Joseph McCarthy.

Miller wrote, “I believe that the reader will discover here the essential nature of one of the strangest and most awful chapters in human history.” However, it is a timeless masterpiece, which is as relevant today as it has ever been.

The audience will be able to see the parallels, which are so pronounced in modern society, with the witch-hunts for terrorists and paedophiles.

The Crucible, YMCA theatre (off Richmond Road), 23-27 March. Doors 7 p m , £5 (£4.50 for Act One members). Tickets on sale at the union box office now.

“

Rabjohns’ petulance will be dealt with internally

”

IMG fury

page 27

Matt Kay, March 2004 Rugby team off to Hong-Kong

Issue 760 22 March 2004 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

page 27

Rugby team out of cup - page 27

IMG results. Below Page 25

ROUND-UP

IMG

By Beca Murphy IMG Chair CONGRATULATIONS TO both Law A football boys and Pharmacy A netball girls.

They’ve reached the top: for the girls it was plain sailing. For the boys, it was more like a rollercoaster.

Before I start, can I just say what an awesome IMG year it has been!

Contrary to popular belief, I have really enjoyed every minute of it.

Put it this way, there was never a dull moment. From the controversy of Carbs not making registration at the start of the year up to the final matches…brilliant!

A few issues have emerged from

IMG this year; it seems quite worrying that quite a few footballers are unable to time a football match?

Odd, I thought a half was 45 minutes not 65.

By the way, it was great being bombarded with calls last Wednesday from the moment I stepped off the netball court until I was leaving to go to Rubber Duck.

I’ve heard moans about the fact that Law A have won the title, and Earth Soc weren’t taken out of the tables.

I know I did mention that they would be taken out, but in the calm of my bedroom with my mobile switched off, I came to the conclusion that they had only missed two matches, so it didn’t seem appropriate to remove them from the league.

However, if they had missed 50% of their matches then they would have been removed, and their results rendered void. This may seem unfair to some teams, and some may ask why the top two teams were not punished for playing halves that ran over by up to 10/15 minutes.

IMG is meant to be a fair league.

But how am I supposed to keep it fair when something as simple, yet essential, as time keeping is being taken advantage of?

At the end of the day, it’s only a game. Your pride might get a slight dent if you don’t win, and if you do win then you get the company of a magnif icently tacky trophy!For many of us IMG is a big part of student life here at Cardiff. I enjoyed

FOOTBALL RESULTS IMG

Pos

Premiership W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Law A

P 7

6

0

1

18

18

2 Mathletico Mad.

7

6

0

1

15

3 Momed

7

5

1

1

10

18 16

4 Gym Gym

7

3

1

3

-2

10

5 Carbs A

2

2

3

-8

8

6 FC Real

7 7

2

1

4

-5

7

7 Afro-Carribean

7

1

2

4

-6

8 Earth Soc

7

0

1

6

-18

5 1

I MG Pos

Division 1 P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Economics

7

5

2

0

11

17

2 Christian Union

7

4

1

2

10

13

3 Jomec

7

3

2

2

3

11

4 Chemsoc

7

2

3

2

-4

11

5 Lokomotiv Engin

7

1

4

2

1

7

6 Accountancy

7

2

1

4

-5

7

7 Irish FC

7

2

1

4

-7

7

8 John Jenkins FC

7

1

2

4

-9

4

I MG Pos

Division 2 P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 The George FC

7

6

0

1

29

18

2 Myg Myg

7

5

1

1

11

16

3 Account. Stanley

7

5

0

2

4

15

4 Uni Hallstars

7

3

0

4

-12

9

5 Law B

7

2

1

4

-2

7

6 AFC History

7

2

1

4

-8

7

7 Bute Park Utd

7

1

1

5

-17

7

8 Athletico Roy

7

1

2

4

-4

5

I MG Pos

Division 3 P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Pharm AC

7

5

1

1

11

16

2 Carbs B

7

4

1

2

16

13

3 Cathays FC

7

3

3

1

3

12

4 Optometry

7

3

2

2

11

5 Planderlecht

7

3

1

3

-4

11 10

6 Japsoc

7

3

1

3

-6

10

7 Xpresston NE

7

0

4

3

-8

3

8 English Soc

7

1

0

6

-35

3

Football Results 13/03/04 Premier LAW A 3 - 0 AFRO-CARRIBEAN SOC. MATHLETICO MADRID 6 - 0 GYM GYM Football Results 17/03/04 Premier MOMED 6 - 3 AFRO-CARRIBEAN SOC. GYM GYM 5 - 0 EARTH SOC. CARBS 'A' 2 - 3 MATHLETICO MADRID LAW 'A' 5 - 2 FC REAL First LOKOMOTIV ENGIN 3 - 4 IRISH FC CHEMSOC 1 - 1 ACCOUNTANCY CHRISTIAN UNION 2 - 3 JOMEC JJFC 0 - 3 ECONOMICS Second THE GEORGE FC 9 - 0 UNI HALLSTARS ACCOUNTINGTON STANLEY 1 - 3 LAW 'B' ATHLETICO ROY 2 - 2 BUTE PARK UTD FC AFC HISTORY 0 - 2 MYG MYG Third JAPSOC 3 - 2 XPRESSTON NORTHEND ENGLISH SOC. 0 - 10 CARBS 'B' PHARM AC 4 - 1 CATHAYS FC PLANDERLECHT 1 - 0 OPTOMETRY

BUSA RESULTS Men’s Rugby Union 17/03/04 1st XV Shield Semi-Final Cardiff 1st 10 - 26 UW Cardiff Medics 1st Women’s Rugby Union 17/03/04 1st XV Shield Semi-Final Cardiff 1st 24 - 60 Liverpool John Moores 1st Men’s Squash Premier League South Play-off Southampton 1st 4 - 1 Cardiff 1st

so much of the last three years I wanted to run it! We’ve all had ‘the’ amazing match, and ‘the’ best social with our team mates, and that’s what it should all be about, not teams phoning me up bickering about the

other team.

Anyway, I hope the majority of the teams that participated had a good year and hope to see most of you at the awards next Wednesday.