gair rhydd - Issue 761

gair rhydd

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

Investigations look at unscrupulous electricity suppliers as Sport go rowing with Wright’s weird weekends

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

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ISSUE 761. MAY 3 2004

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Interviews, Travel,

Sport, Fashion, Music, Books, DC Gates, Film, Blind Date, Going Out...

40 pages packed with reviews, news and features

THE £16m MISTAKE UNIVERSITY OFFICIALS were left red-faced over Easter after a planning application for the illegally erected Optometry building on Maindy Road was rejected.

Residents campaigning against the £16m development secured a close victory after councillors voted 4-3 against the proposals, which would see Optometry and Vision Sciences leave their current home in the Redwood building.

This comes as an embarrassing blow to the University, which was ordered to halt construction in February after it emerged that full planning permission had not been granted.

The University is now appealing against the decision with a planning inspector set to review the case in June.

Since construction halted the sitehas lain unoccupied, with the bare structure – which is beginning to rust – a new addition to the Cathays skyline.

But Maindy Road residents say this only highlights the scale of the complete building, designed to be almost twice the size of structure currently standing next to Lidl.

An army of owner-occupiers have fought strongly against the application since 2002, maintaining the building – planned to stand at 72ft in some places – will tower over their homes.They claim that plans drawn up in May 2002 proposed that roughly 30 percent of the building would be four storeys high with the remaining 70 percent at three storeys.

Yet residents are outraged that now an estimated 70 percent will sit four stories high, encroaching on their homes.

A spokesperson for the Maindy Road Neighbourhood Watch Residents Group

PHOTO: Ceri Haddon

By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor

REJECT E

D

OPTOM: Building gathers rust as its future hangs in the balance told gair rhydd, "It’s not a fight between us, the university and the planning department. We just can’t live with the scale of the building. We need a compromise."

Residents maintain they have never objected to the development and are in favour of an academic as opposed to a residential project. But they fear approval will set a precedent for any future developments that may take place on the Railtrack depot site, impacting on the front of the residential properties.

The group is also angry that archi-

tects’ goal to ‘reflect the department’s stature as one of the leading optometry schools in Europe’ is too ambitious for a residential area. "The building would look lovely in the right surroundings, just not here. It’s ridiculous to say that this monumental thing is in harmony with its surroundings."

The building visible – which would have included a large glass atrium through the centre - is only phase one of two planned for the sight, with a further four storey building on the cards.

A spokesperson for the university said, "It is particularly disappointing that the application was turned down by the Planning Committee despite the university’s efforts to ensure that the plans for the new world-class teaching and research facilities for students and staff of Optometry were developed after consultation with users and with the local planning authority.

“The university is appealing against the decision and hopes for a speedy resolution.”

The spokesperson denied the uni-

versity was embarrassed, saying: "We will never be embarrassed by our work to provide the highest quality facilities for our students and the platform to support vital research which plays a major role in improving the eye care of the nation while contributing to putting the city of Cardiff on the world map."

And contrary to rumours the building was due to open in September, the university insists this is untrue, the spokesperson stating, "Planning development will determine the timescale."

News

Page 2

May 3 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

a glance

News Investigations Icarus Editorial Politics Letters Media Jobs & Money Five Minute Fun Comedy Problem Listings TV Listings Sport

1 4 5 6 9 10 11 13 15 18 20 21 30

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS AJ Silvers EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop FIVE MINUTE FUN Laura Davies LETTERS Perri Lewis MEDIA Gary Andrews, Bec Storey JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund PROOF READERS Rob Sharples, Alys Southwood, Hannah Perry CONTRIBUTORS

Ceri Haddon, Jonathan Astle, Fatiha Ali, Anne-Michelle Wright, Katie Thomas, Sarah Bellingham, David Doyle, Sylvia Traganida, Lindsay Gowlett, Sarah Ahmed, Charlotte Swift, Simon Keeton-Warde, Paul L Nichols, Andrew Kowalik, Gina James, Helen Burnett, Ed Williams, Perri Lewis, Adam Brooks, Catherine Gee, Bec Storey, Amy Gorochowski, Will Dean, Alex Dove, Ben Wright, Tom Poole, James Woodroof, Fanny Hall, John Tuscany, John Stanton, Jim Rosenthal

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

MEDICS URGE SMOKING BAN PHOTO: James Yeoward

At

FAGS: may be a thing of the past in UWCM Union

By David Doyle Reporter STUDENT SMOKING could be stubbed out if calls from medical students are taken seriously.

The British Medical Association’s medical students’ panel is campaigning for the sale of tobacco to be halted in all students’ unions and hospitals.

The fight against smoking-related illnesses has seen Ireland implement a ban on smoking in public places, and suggestions from the Wetherspoons chain of a smoking ban in their pubs.

The University of Wales College of Medicine is leading the way in this campaign. Emily Thorn, Vice President of the UWCM, told gair rhydd that the college would “definitely be banning the sale of tobacco products in our (UWCM) union.” She said this was important because smoking is “so detrimental to health”.

Johann Malawana, representative for Barts and the London College of Medicine, thinks the sale of tobacco in

students’ unions is hypocritical.

“Students’ unions campaign on big issues but they are still making money from cigarette sales,” he said at the BMA’s recent meeting.

Alex Boakes, shop manager in Cardiff Students’ Union, disagrees; he believes that “there is enough information available for people to make their own choices”. However a second-year law student said that smokers in the union “limit our (non-smokers) choice for a healthy lifestyle.”

Mr Boakes also cited Leeds University Union’s £26,000 loss from their trial ban on smoking in the union.

Unsurprisingly, the trial did not become a permanent feature.

Jenny Longbottom, the recently elected president of UWCM students’ union for the next academic year, said that the college would not be pushing for a ban on tobacco in Cardiff Students’ Union next year, but does believe the union should look into implementing measures to improve its services for non-smokers.

UWCM to ban smoking in Union

Quotes of the Week "It’s exciting because when a horse has a baby they come out and walk" Daryl Hannah: considering the important issues

"I like a bit of rough" Tara Palmer-Tomkinson: but not everyone likes a bit of posh totty, Tara

Union policy backs positive discrimination

By Sylvia Traganida Reporter FEMALE SABBATICAL officers are entitled to one more day off than their male counterparts.

Male employees only get 20 working days of holiday in the year while women enjoy one more day out of the office. Womens’ Officer Caralyn Richards defended the decision; “they all work so hard so what’s a day? You probably spend that day in the office anyway”.

The policy is not part of the union’s legislation, as the sabbs are employed by the private company Cardiff Union Services Ltd. Union’s manager Jason Dunlop said that “the organisation needs to review this policy after consultation with the relevant bodies. It’s a very sensitive issue.”

He added that the holiday is

part of their contract and added that the union “strives to maintain equal opportunities for everyone”.

This policy stems from a traditional law passed years ago by a union officer to ensure that female sabbs could celebrate International Women’s Day. This can be contested as reverse discrimination, as there is no equivalent male day. Finance and Commercial Services Officer Mike Rabjohns said: “This is a unique and strange policy. There should be a parity of treatment about leave for men and women.”

Communications and Community Officer Emma Bebington put the whole thing in perspective by saying “one day is nothing compared to the amount of money that men get more than women for the same job in every workplace. Anyone who believes that feminism is not relevant today is naïve.”

Threshers set to take off

By Sylvia Traganida Reporter A new Threshers shop has opened on the ground floor of the Students’ Union.

The handy liquor store opened its doors last Monday, and has since been visited by many students. On its bestselling day, profits peaked at £800.

Assistant supervisor Charlotte Bryan said, “Word of mouth needs to go out more.

Students haven’t realised yet

that there’s a new Threshers right on their front door. They have to come and see for themselves.”

The shop is run by the union and employs its current bar staff, which means profits go back to the students through the union.

The prices are the same as other Thresher stores, with the usual offers for the students.

The shop is open Monday to Saturday from 11am to 11pm and on Sundays from 12am to 10pm.

LOCALFOCUS When is the shop most busy?

Weekends from 1-3am. Weekdays 79pm.

What are your student customers like?

They are well-behaved. The biggest problems come from the girls… last Tuesday two girls got naked.

What? In here?

Er, yeah… they ordered curry and chips and then took their tops off.

A SOAPBOX FOR THE VIEWS OF CARDIFF RESIDENTS

three nights a week while I study.

What’s are you studying.

I owned a chicken farm in Iran, I’m studying a Veterinary degree. I’m going to do a PhD. Everyone at my college has to work to help fund their studies.

Is the pay good?

The pay’s OK, but I have to work.

Do you think that the new anti-binge drinking proposals will affect business?

Definitely, the majority of people come here after drinking. Not many come here when they’re sober.

Do you ever feel threatened at work?

No, there’s no violence. I used to work in Grangetown! This is a good place to work.

NAME

How did you get your job here?

Well, I know the owner. I’m just doing it

LOCATION WOODVILLE FISHBAR

AGE

SHAROOZ NAMVAR 27

News

May 3 2004

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

BLAIR’S MAN IN WALES

Welsh Secretary Peter Hain visits Cardiff University

By Jonathan Astle Deputy News Editor IN A VISIT to Cardiff University last week, Peter Hain hit out against mounting criticism of the government’s plans for top-up fees.

In a break from campaigning for the Welsh local elections, the Secretary of State for Wales spoke to Cardiff Labour students in the Glamorgan building last Monday.

He told gair rhydd, “We know it’s not popular, but we think it is in the national interest. We can’t get the money elsewhere, and I think the taxpayer won’t be prepared to fund it [HE] forever, so you have to find alternatives.”

The former student radical activist slated Lib Dem proposals on higher education. He claimed the party’s policy was unrealistic, and formed without a chance of ever having to be put into practice.

Despite the strength of the party in Wales, and its popularity with students in particular, Mr Hain was dismissive,

saying: “We are having a more serious debate with the Tories.”

The maverick minister, known for not always toeing the party line, was keen to emphasise the particular relevance of the issue for students in Wales.

“Welsh universities attract a higher proportion of students from lower income backgrounds than the UK as a whole. It is important that students in Wales are no worse off, and ideally even better off, than their English counterparts.”

The MP for Neath used the meeting as an opportunity to acknowledge the importance of Wales’ HE institutions.

He denied that any delay in application of the top-up fees bill in Wales would lead to a rush on Welsh universities.

“Welsh universities are becoming increasing popular anyway. Cardiff is now one of Britain’s flagship universities.”

In a wide-ranging interview, Mr Hain also touched on the ongoing debate over immigration and asylum.

Himself an immigrant to this country

from South Africa, he recounted how his personal family history, as well as government policy, informed his position.

“There is an ugly swirl of prejudice which surrounds this issue. We must be supportive of traditional refugees.

“My father was ‘banned’ in South Africa in the 60s. In 1966 we benefited from coming to the safe-haven of these shores.”

Under the apartheid regime, Mr Hain’s parents were forbidden to meet in public gatherings or to communicate with other banned people.

Such formative experiences clearly guide the Privy Councillor’s particularly careful use of language on an issue which has become a rabblerousing favourite of the tabloid press.

In a note of caution, he added: “Of course, there is no problem with those who come to work here legally.

However, we cannot allow criminal gangs to flood the country.”

The referendum on the EU constitution, one of the greatest gambles of Blair’s government, also

AFTER MONTHS of speculation, Cardiff union have now officially revealed that 90s icon Peter Andre will be headlining the Summer Ball at Coopers’ Field.

Performing alongside him will be Radio One DJ Trevor Nelson, Liberty X, Phixx, and Newport’s ‘chav’ hip-hop crew Goldie Lookin’ Chain.

The news has been reportedly well-received among the student

population, and the event now promises to be a success – weather permitting.

One third-year Psychology student said, "It’s such a big thing to end our uni careers in style, and the ball provides the opportunity to do that. I’ve already bought my ticket."

Drink deals have been promised by union bar staff, but no details have so far been realeased.

Among the events will be a Carling Live tent with favourite DJs, TV and radio stars.

Also present will be a Red Bull club tent sponsored by Come Play

offering a selection of club music, with podium dancers, break-dancers and the Come Play DJs. However the acts will not be the only thing worth watching, as the addition of an outdoor cinema screen will allow revellers to relax when not in one of the entertainment tents.

Budweiser tent will open at 4pm, providing soothing jazz with the band Onion Funk.

Currently £34, the price of tickets has been criticised by some for being too expensive, but gair rhydd has been assured that party-goers will get their money’s worth, with a selec-

By Fatiha Ali Reporter

AN ALARMING wealth-divide between UK students is widening, according to the results of a recent study.

A university lifestyle survey by Times Higher Education Supplement, has shown that 8% of students survive on just £9.50 a week, while 10% live it drew comment from the minister. up on £150 a week.

The now infamous ‘U-turn’ on a Another recent study conducted by public vote has put the PM in a the Royal Holloway University of precarious position. Mr Hain betrayed London into student well-being has Labour’s anxiety on the subject in a also found increasing rates of depresstinging attack on the Conservatives sion among university students. and the right-wing media.

Depression and anxiety levels of stu“It’s difficult to get onto the dents were measured before they substance of the issue because you have began university and then midway to get back to the issue of the vote – an through their degree. The findings agenda driven by the Tories and their showed that 9% of students subseanti-European friends in the media. quently became depressed, while 20% “The Tories and their friends became clinically anxious. The decided they were against the strongest and most powerful predictor constitution before it of depression was financial problems. was even These results come in the wake of negotiated.” the recent Government plans for top-up fees, which leave students with average debts of up to £15,000 upon leaving university.

Professor Andrews, of Royal Holloway University voiced her worries: "There's a real UNDER PRESSURE: gair rhydd danger that bright students hack Astle puts Hain on the spot will not achieve their potential because of the financial burden of study and the mental health problems that this then causes."

Suhuur Abdi, a third year Social Policy student at Cardiff University agreed, saying, "I've constantly been worried about money since the day I tion of food available from 7pm, started university. The student loans ranging from a carvery to a noodle are just not enough to get me through bar. university without a struggle."

Professional photographers will Billy Lee, the union’s Academic be at the event for those wanting to Affairs Officer, says: “The combinacapture the black-tie event in print. tion of student loans and tuition fees The ball is set for June 11 from can leave students with astronomical 4pm until 2am, and with 6,000 tickdebts. ets already sold, it’s on course for "I would advise students to spend being one of the best in recent years. wisely and seek help if they're in any If you want to book your ticket, trouble. The Student Advice Centre more information can be found on can offer practical and emotional help the website www.cardiffuniversityfor any student with financial, welfare balls.com or by phoning 02920 or academic problems.” For help or 781458. Alternatively, you can buy advice for anyone experiencing finanyour tickets straight away on the seccial difficulties, call the Student Advice Centre on 02920 781490.

Summer Ball line-up revealed

By Anne-Michelle Wright Deputy News Editor

In debt and depressed

Investigation

Page 4

May 3 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Dishing the dirt on doorsteppers

Energy companies are turning to illegal tactics to lure students into signing fraudulent contracts. gair rhydd takes a closer look

By Katie Thomas, Sarah Bellingham and Gary Andrews OVER RECENT weeks gair rhydd has received a number of complaints from students who have been scammed by utilities companies.

Continuation of unwanted contracts and intimidating door to door salespeople are some of the common complaints from Cardiff students tricked into signing contracts.

Often the sales agents will visit your house with the promise of saving money, when in reality they are getting you to sign a contract. Known as doorstepping, it is an ethically dubious tactic that is frowned upon by the industry regulator, Ofgem. London Electric PLC was fined £2m two years ago for signing up customers by this method.

Students may not have had experience in dealing with bills and costs of running a home but as Andrew Dillon, spokesperson for letting agency CPS, says: "Students are responsible for all their household bills and the companies they choose, it’s nothing to do with their landlords."

Knowing this would have helped Kirsty Doolan, a third year journalism student. Kirsty was conned into switching companies after a visit from an energy rep asking to check the meter.

She told us: "As this was the first time I'd lived in a house without parents I didn't know that you didn’t have to sign to have the meter checked so I signed. A week later the company sent me a letter thanking us for changing over to them which was news to me as I had signed under false pretences."

3-5 FANNY STREET between Woodville Road and Cathays Terrace on Catherine Street

Sadly Kirsty’s case is not an isolated example. Energywatch, the gas and electricity watchdog, has received thousands of complaints from customers all over the country who have been mislead, pressured or intimidated into signing contracts. Since starting this investigation gair rhydd has been contacted by several students with similar stories.

Sarah Bennett, a 20-year-old biochemistry student, is one of these. She received a visit from an energy company representative last month. "He told me that due to an admin error we were receiving a £10 service charge," she says. "I was told I needed to sign a form so the company could stop charging me."

Despite voicing concerns the advisor assured Sarah that she wasn’t changing her supplier. "I was a bit suspicious so I asked him to confirm that

“We’re just desperate to sign up people so we can get a decent pay packet” I wasn’t signing a contract," she says.

"He kept telling me over and over again that all I was signing was a form to cancel a service charge.”

Sarah rang the company to cancel the contract after she realised what she had done, but still received a letter confirming she’d changed suppliers.

After complaining to Energywatch the company subsequently wrote to Sarah

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to apologise, stressing this was an isolated incident, but the company soon returned with the same methods.

Sarah told us: "A week after I received the letter two different representatives from the same company came to my house and said exactly the same things to get me to sign.

"I was furious that they had the cheek to knock on my door again after assuring me this was a one-off. They clearly weren’t just targeting students as I saw them try every house in my street, some of which belong to young families and elderly people."

The Association of Energy Suppliers Code of Practice for faceto-face marketing has several guidelines for the behaviour of door to door staff. It states that "all consumer communication must be legal, decent, honest and truthful."

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The code of practice also says that sales agents must produce an identity card without prompt and that on signing contracts the consumer must be provided with details of the contract, an explanation of its terms and how the contract can be cancelled. But these guidelines are being flaunted by employees as their hunger for commission overtakes the rules.

A current door to door employee for an energy company, who wishes to remain anonymous, often sees examples of dishonesty in colleagues desperate to sign people up. He says: "There was an incident of a guy I knew signing up an entire block of flats in one day by telling people that they were just signing to confirm he’d visited them.

"In truth he’d signed them all over to us without them having a clue.

We’re just desperate to sign up as many people as we can so we get a decent pay packet."

Ex-salesman Sam Bishop adds to this: "Many salesmen working for my company are on 100% commission so if they don’t get any sales after a week they don’t receive a single penny and are at risk from losing their job.

“Unfortunately this kind of pressure has led to some salespeople using dishonest and misleading methods of obtaining signatures and sales, and students who have no real experience of handling finances are ideal and often easy targets."

For Jocelyn Kernick, Wales Communication Manager of energywatch, this is an all too common problem. "The main advice we would give to people if they are doorstepped," she cautions, "is that you don’t need to sign anything unless you really want to switch.

"You do not need to sign to say they’ve visited or to request further information as the sales advisors could be misleading you."

Often salesmen will shower you with compliments at every available opportunity in a bid to stay on your doorstep long enough to make you feel that you can relate to them.

They often start at 9am so many students will be visited when they are tired or hungover so often it can just

seem easier to reply yes to them. But don’t be afraid to challenge their questions when they visit and query anything you do not fully understand.

Even if you are conned into signing a contract it is possible to cancel it up to two weeks after the visit. This is knows as the cooling off period.

Jocelyn Kernick says: "A lot of the time customers aren’t advised that there is a seven to 14 day cooling-off period on any contract they sign. You can change your mind during this period and cancel the contract.”

Customers often don’t realise what lines of complaint are available to them or give up after getting nowhere with the energy company. If you are unhappy with the energy company’s conduct there are ways to complain.

Jocelyn Kernick says: "If you do have a complaint you can come to Energywatch. Consumers have to first try to resolve the problem direct with the energy company but then they can contact Energywatch who can take up the problem on your behalf."

Avoid being scammed - Don’t sign anything. Even if they insist they need a signature, refuse.

- Avoid letting the salesmen into your house. Once they’re in they rarely leave without getting you to sign.

- If you’re interested in changing suppliers Energywatch can supply you with price comparisons.

Sometimes companies sign you up if you request literature.

- If you do enter into a contract there is a seven to 14 day period during which you can cancel it without having to pay.

- If the company don’t deal with your complaints you can get Energywatch to take up the problem on your behalf.

- Always ask salespeople for an ID card if they don’t immediately produce one.

May 3 2004

Opinion

Page 5

icarus500@hotmail.com

Flying too close to the political flame

Say hello to the new neighbours M

AY 1 2004 is a date that truly will go down in history.

This weekend Europe finally put an end to thousands of years of division, war and bloodshed.

On Saturday, we welcomed ten new nations - mostly former communist states - into the European Union.

We have succeeded in turning the most war-ravaged continent in global history into a peaceful whole.

The EU has broken down borders and removed barriers to free trade and the free movement of people.

Today you can live, study and work in any nation from Ireland to Estonia literally unimaginable just ten years ago.

When the first European Community treaty was signed in 1957, eleven of today’s 25 members were dictatorships and two more were colonies of Britain.

The dangling carrot of entry into the European club has spurred nation after nation to introduce free trade, democracy and human rights.

The EU has made us incomparably richer. In 1970 Britain was the sick man of Europe, plagued by strikes, inflation and general decline.

We joined in 1973 and haven’t looked back since. Our trade with our European partners has skyrocketed.

Spain, Portugal, Greece and Ireland were impoverished backwaters before their entry.

Today they’re among the continent’s most dynamic and productive countries.

It’s not hard to imagine Poland, Hungary, the Czech Republic and the rest telling a similar story in a decade’s time.

The genius of Current Member States the EU is that we can all share in their success.

It’s British Latvia companies that will find new markets and new investment opportunities in Eastern Europe.

Lithuania But read some of the UK’s fine newspapers and you’d be forgiven for thinking Europe was a disaster.

If the Sun, Mail, Telegraph, and Express have been telling the truth then you won’t have even been able Czech Republic to make it into the union this morning past the groaning masses of scrouging gypsy beggars from Eastern Europe.

Even worse, Slovenia the UK is cur rently menaced by Malta a fiendish Nazi plot called the European Constitution.

‘Poll Tax Mike’ Howard’s Tory Party smear and denigrate Europe.

They moan that UK jobs and tell us it’s a blueprint for a superstate.

“Only countries have constitutions,” he businesses are being destroyed by endless petty European regulations. sneered at Tony Blair.

But while we’ve been in the EU we’ve Every rugby club in Wales has a constitution. The Students’ Union has a only ever got richer. The unemployment constitution. All hail the Independent rate is now the lowest for 30 years.

According to reports in the newspapers Federal Superstate of Park Place, Cardiff!

The europhobes lie, lie and lie again to above, over the years Brussels bureaucrats

New Member States

Estonia

The EU Enlargement Pub Challenge

Poland

Slovakia

THE CHALLENGE: Hungary Cyprus

One drink, one country. It’s not that hard to drink them but it takes a hardened boozer with an intimate knowledge of Cardiff’s wine shops and drinking dens to have a chance of finding them all.

If you manage to down all these - and show us the empty bottles - by Monday next week, you can win the mystery prize!

have banned curved bananas, smokey HUNGARY: Egri Bikaver bacon crisps, rocking horses, pints of (Bull’s Blood), a red wine milk, chocolate and yoghurt. historically associated with the But last time I checked all of these are Turkish wars. still available should you want them.

Tory MEP for Wales, Jonathan Evans, POLAND: Zubrowka vodka. was recently spouting rubbish about the EU putting height warnings on CYPRUS: Firewater. This is mountains. near pure grape alcohol.

What utter, utter crap.

Warning: it will melt your brain.

These European guidelines were actually designed for building sites and SLOVENIA: What else but the it’s UK authorities that decide how to world-famous Zlatarog beer? apply them.

To suggest they’d go around LITHUANIA: Why not try hammering signs all the way up Snowdon some Versme apple wine from is ludicrous. the Anyksciai Winery?

But the eurofreaks never let facts get in the way of a S L O VA K I A : good rant.

Borovicka - a At best they strong ginclaim it’s all a big like drink.

An occasional feature devoted to joke. the f*ckups, hypocrisy and outright A senior lies printed by Britain’s Worst Newspaper. MALTA: journalist once Farson’s While Europe parties, all the eurohating told me, Pale Ale bullshit merchants at the Spin can do is laughing: is spew bile about”hordes of immigrants” “Oh, of Malta’s flooding here to thieve our benefits. course it’s not f irst One article claimed, “Polish airline Air true, but it’s all and best Polonia is BOOKED SOLID with over just part of the beer.

54,000 return tickets to the UK!” big Brussels Obviously the dumb hacks didn’t merry-go-round, CZECH notice the important word in that sentence: RETURN. isn’t it?”

REPUBLIC: Idiots.

No, it isn’t. It’s Budvar and cynical, nationalist right-wing Staropramen lagers propaganda, designed to make Britain available in Cardiff’s Bar “Is It”. turn its back on Europe.

It’s the duty of all Britons to work ESTONIA: Saku Originaal towards rooting out this small-minded Estonia’s first post-Soviet beer. europhobic cancer so we can play a full and proper part in Europe with old friends LATVIA: LB Vodka is Latvia’s and new neighbours alike. favourite drink.

SPOT

Opinion & Editorial

Page 6

May 3 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

By Tristan Thomas . gair rhydd Editor

T

he word is out; Peter Andre and Liberty X have been chosen by the union’s Ents team to front the UK’s biggest student event. It may have been the worst kept secret since Big Ron was ousted as lacking political correctness, but now the lineup has been officially released staff at the union must now sit back and hope that it finds favour among the student population.

Make no mistake; the union takes a huge risk when it runs such a large-scale event. Strip away the confident exterior, the snazzy poster campaigns and the sickly marketing-speak and you are left with the need to sell tickets by the thousand. Fortunately the Box Office has been very busy.

The strength of the line-up

rhydd Puff the pastry dragon EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

bodes well. The high profile Andre and Liberty X are offset sensibly by the endearingly bonkers Goldie Lookin’ Chain and the surefire popularity of Trevor Nelson. The presence of Phixx must appeal to some demographic, perhaps one that enjoys the sleazy side of teen pop.

The location of the ball can’t be faulted. According to the union it won’t go back to Coopers Field for several years and previous events there have gone down as the stuff of legend. Anyone lucky enough to attend the Big Weekend last summer will testify to the pure epic grandeur of the site. With tents to cope with inclement weather, talk of a cinema screen and numerous other ‘quirky’ events planned, the event smacks of the imagination that Solus too frequently lacks.

Perhaps the biggest surprise is the kick-off time. 4pm gives it the feel of a festival whilst the diamond themed marketing suggests a formal event. If it can pull of the positives of both, mixing elegance with a bubbling atmosphere, it could prove masterful. Time will only tell, but for once, you can’t blame the union for lacking ambition.

Back in the summer of ’89

by Sarah Ahmed

D

o you ever get the feeling you’re getting old? I don’t mean going grey and collecting your pension but the realisation that your teenage years are slipping away from you, the inveiglement into the fearsome world of responsibility seems inevitable.

Where did all the time go? It seems like only yesterday we were running around hyped up on sugar with ice cream round our faces. Now you’re old enough to remember when Peter Andre released Mysterious Girl the first time round; it’s still a poor excuse for a song but you find yourself singing along because it’s a poor excuse for a song from ‘your time’.

“We will experience what I will call a prelife crisis”

What’s worse is we now have a ‘time’; a bit of the past that belongs exclusively to us. We’ve been alive long enough for them to start making programmes like I Love The 90s which highlight all the embarrassing things we tried so hard to forget; leggings, shell suits and those trainers with the flashing lights in the heel. You also find yourself saying things like ‘back in the day’ and ‘things were better when we were kids’.

The topic of conversation isn’t centred on who you fancy or who your favourite boy band is anymore; instead you’re talking about what to cook for

dinner, whether you can wash your jeans with your white t-shirts and debating whether to spend your last tenner on food or a night out.

“A bit of the

past belonged to us”

The impending doom of adulthood causes you to question everything about your life; where it’s going, what you’ve done with it. You wonder if you’re doing the right course, you wonder about what you want to do when you leave university; superhero is just not a feasible career goal anymore. You start to lose interest in all the things that made you who you were; little Miss Eco Warrior can’t be bothered to save the planet anymore.

Slowly the transition into sloth like hermit creature begins until you eventually become a fixture in the room that ceases to move unless it’s to change the channel on the TV. As the teenage era draws to a close it seems we will all experience what I will call a pre-life crisis. Whereas with a mid-life crisis you see middle aged crumblies buying sports cars and wearing ‘trendy gear’, the pre-life crisis is the average university student’s attempt to recapture their lost youth.

You start watching cartoons and Disney films, playing video games and listening to old 90s music. You look forward to a ’99, which isn’t 99p anymore, and sitting on the park swings.

Unavoidably we are getting older, but you don’t have to stop being a kid inside, so buy yourself a lollipop and listen to some cheesy 90s crap and have some innocent fun!

T

By Lindsay Gowlett

he typical "chemically inconvenienced" scenario whereby everyone’s ranting away and in the middle of a deep cosmic revelation which opens their minds to higher levels of consciousness, and I’m in the corner enjoying some seriously good pie with my friend.

Realising our lack of "meaningful" conversation we conjured the arts of blagging, ranting, scraps of philosophy badly paraphrased resulting in the birth of the "Philosophy of Pie".

Take the structure of a pie, the outer layer of pastry is simply a vessel for the essence of a pie, the filling.

The pastry envelops the filling, protecting it, yet it would not be the pie without it, much the same as a human is mind, body and spirit and our body is the superficial vehicle housing our "true" selves.

Superficiality of the pie is superfluous due tothe fact that you cannot tell how tasty a pie is from the outside; only by knowing the content of the filling will you know the sum of the pie. Identification of a pie from other pastry goods is obvious although they share a common bond of pastry, as humans are connected to the living universe from the plant to the lion, all complex systems with one pre-ordained goal in this world – to exist.

However, no pie is identical, they all have the same basic structure of pastry surrounding a filling, yet they are made unique through different fillings, superficial decorative pastry patterns and toppings. Strip away the clothes and we all have a multitude of vessels interconnected to pump life around a bag of skin held up by a skeleton of bones.

Take a moment to cognitively recognise which pie resembles yourself – are you a classic apple pie?

Traditional, safe, reliable – good with ice cream!

The possibilities are inconceivable, for like individuals, pies are constantly being reproduced and re-

invented, therefore, collectively you know pies are good eating, but you need to taste a pie to know whether you like it or not. Sadly, as with humans, aesthetics is the first thing you notice about a pie and you only choose the one which is aesthetically pleasing (for no one’s going to buy and eat the mangled pie which looks like it’s been used as an alternative football!)

Originally, all pies were made to be shared; they were social items to bring people collectively together through the enjoyment of a good piece of pie. Nowadays, due to capitalistic drive, individualistic concerns have become prioritised putting the self before the collective and reinforcing the growth of greed and insatiable desire, resulting in the production of the isolated pie for the individual.

Mini pies have spawned an age of greedy, selfish individuals and are trying to rape the food market of a collectively bonding pie experience.

No longer are we a community; we are a society of individuals with the market catering for our isolated desires.

James Emtage’s student stereotypes: the failed quitter

S

arah has just quit smoking.

Well, almost. She’s telling everyone that she’s quit, but what she really means is that she’s just stopped buying them for herself, and now skanks them off everyone else instead.

She used to smoke eight on an average day, 12 if she had an essay due, 15 if she had an exam, and 28 if she went out in the evening. But she was never addicted. “I could easily give up, I really don’t need them,” she happily told her ridiculously sporty boyfriend who, being ridiculously

Charlotte Swift & Simon Keeton-Warde’s

S

tanding in the rain, cold, sodden, steaming drunk.

Waiting… waiting, forever waiting. People start to talk; maybe the drivers are taking a break, sipping their cups of tea in a warm and cosy portacabin somewhere. More likely though is that the lazy, unfeeling students’ union has shortchanged us yet again.

The bus, let’s all say this together, ‘IS NOT RUNNING!’ So many times, often on a midweek night after we’ve all staggered out of the union in the dark, us sweet and innocent first year students have to make the choice of either embarking upon a half an hour trek up a dark dark hill, past a dark dark cemetery, or paying extortionate amounts of money to get

sporty, has never so much as allowed a Silk Cut Ultra to pass his lips.

“Alright then,” he said. “Give up. A tenner says you can’t, you’re all talk.”

And so the challenge was set.

Sarah has not quite been the same since: emotions have run high, stress levels have hit the roof, housemates have been screamed and shouted at, and the other day she put orange juice on her cereal instead of milk because she was so busy thinking about how nice that morning Marlboro light and cup of coffee used to be. “Surely just one wouldn’t hurt, I mean, one never

killed anyone.” And so the downward spiral began once more, although this time out of sight of the boyfriend, who’d crucify her for this lapse in self-control.

She sneaks around from friend to friend, quickly asking if they could spare “just the one” as she’s “forgotten” hers, or if not then just a cheeky drag would be great. Once a smoker, always a sucker… what will she do if we follow Ireland’s lead and ban smoking in public places? Sarah’s good intentions would go right up the chimney.

ROOM 101 a taxi home. For years and years this situation has gone on without improvement (one ex-student took his son on a tour of Uni Hall 20 years after he lived there himself - and they had made exactly the same complaints then - who says residences aren’t progressive?), and for years and years women as well as men have been tempted to walk home alone, in an area although as we know is relatively safe, rapes and mugging can and do happen.

Even when there is a bus (and we will admit that there are surprising days when there is a bus waiting!), it is touch and go whether we will be able to make the door work, whether the brakes will fail, or whether it will actually make it up the final hill to the almost derelict halls.

Lawnmowers make more healthy sounds and are probably, at the end of the day, more reliable (there you go, that’s an idea for the obviously cash strapped students’ union). In addition, when you make the effort to call reception, (wasting even more money), they lie through their teeth to keep you waiting, when they know damn well that there IS NO BUS! Surely it is time for a change, time for someone to take responsibility, put their hand up and say that the situation can, and will improve… and what about getting a bus stop?

Something to put a roof over our heads and save our carefully straightened hair from the ravages of wild and windy Wales? We don’t want to have to wait for global warming to stave off pneumonia.

Opinion & Editorial

May 3 2004

Page 7

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Think while you drink...

By Paul L Nichols

I

enjoy having a good time as much as anyone else does.

Walking home from work last Friday however, I almost reached my boiling point. Why is this country so obsessed with drinking itself into oblivion?

I know that the cold weather and frequent rain can depress people during the winter, but this is not winter. As I write this the sun is pouring in through my window, as is a glorious breeze. I want nothing more than to finish this editorial so that I can go outside and enjoy the day. The problem with this is that I am going to walk out of my flat in Cathays onto a street covered with drying vomit and last nights chip boxes. How am I, or anyone else for that matter, supposed to enjoy a weekend in Cardiff when every Friday and Saturday night the city is trashed by ridiculously drunk students and townies?

The problem is, it is not just on weekend nights. It is a rare, albeit wonderful night, that does not see at least two or three groups stumbling

down Cathays Terrace yelling and waking up the neighborhood.

Weekends and match days at the Stadium are by far the worst. On the average weekend it is virtually impossible to miss any of the classic weekend clichés. From the otherwise ‘happy’ couple that have decided that choosing their partner was the worst decision they could ever have made, to that wonderful group of lads that ‘are just having a good laugh’ by tumbling around in the street play fighting or harassing the ‘classy’ ladies that one finds in the city centre on weekend nights, to the middle-aged clubbers that have failed to realize that their pulling days have long since gone.

British weekend nights are a freak show of the degenerate antisocial behavior that is so frequently discussed on TV. Then there are those fantastic British sporting days, the days when St Mary Street is pedestrianised and the pubs swell to breaking point. The resulting violence and destruction that so often occurs is incomprehensible. Even more mind-boggling is the fact that it often does not even make the local evening

news. I can accept that it is expected, but is it really acceptable to need police out on match days and to divide the city to try to avoid letting fans from the two sides mix? What on earth is going on here?

OK, maybe I just have a different idea of fun. Perhaps my definition of ‘civilised behavior’ is too demanding.

Even if this is the case, I am sure that there is no room for variation on what qualifies as arriving on time for work or attending university.

However, no one blinks an eye at a half-empty lecture hall on a Monday morning or at workers dragging themselves into work 30 minutes or an hour late the day after a match.

Surely it is clear how direct a link there is between Britain’s drinking culture and the detrimental work and study ethic that it creates. Having discussed this issue with other international students, I am confident to say that this type of behavior would not be accepted by employers outside of Britain (not exactly something to be proud of really).

The basis of my argument is neither new nor earth shattering. Something needs to be done about Britain’s drinking problem; the country is drinking itself into an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting. There are countless countries with a population that enjoy the occasional drink, and even the occasional binge. Occasional is the key word here though. People may read this and say that I am being too harsh or alarmist and that I should soften my words or views.

To borrow an idea from Britain’s leader, I do not have a soft gear; I call things exactly as I see them.

I do not pull punches.

And while this is not my country, I have enjoyed my time here and will try to take only memories and leave only footprints. However, I will leave one request: please give British tourist hotspots such as Tenerife, Greece and Florida the same consideration. If this is how it has to be, please keep it in Britain, and don’t bring your disgusting habits to the rest of the world destroying their beautiful atmospheres.

chance. Is that a fair point? How can they all be blind to a good education, initiative, extracurricular activities, travel, blah blah blah. Heaven forbid I’m an eager twenty-something untarnished, enthusiastic and full of

whimper and a sniffle at best.

There is off course the increasingly popular option of volunteering – but I’ve got to say, unless I’m prepared to set up a tent in a council estate in Ely, I need some kind of finances to survive. I shouldn’t dismiss that idea so quickly though, it’s as high up as Plan C for me at the moment.

Sigh, so as I approach the end of my MA course here at Cardiff University, a popular question comes to mind. Why? What was the point?

(Beyond fulfilling the student responsibility of consuming copious amounts of alcohol, of course.)

Funnily enough, this is not a reflection on the International Journalism programme here that I’ve been a part of… not at all. It is more a question about why a 16-year-old

leaving education after their GCSEs can start off in many journalism jobs at a similar level.

But fear not young graduates.

There does seem to be a way – one which I fondly refer to as ‘selling your soul to the devil’. Enter: the world of investment banking. The land of fat cats making fat cats even fatter cats.

So that must me it. Good media jobs are like the 80s fashions that plagued us for much of last year – very much on their way out. And banking?

Well… it’s the always needed, very expensive little black dress.

I hope I can get back to Thomas the Tank Engine’s philosophy of ‘I think I can, I think I can…’ where my ideal job in journalism is concerned but until then, I’ll see you on the dark side.

“the country is drinking itself into an AA meeting”

“Gimme a job, damn it!” demands Gina James H ave you looked at any online job websites recently? Looked in any newspapers for jobs? (Or is a year of bumming about hugely appealing to you right now?) Well I’ve looked… and looked. I’m surprised the Guardian jobs page doesn’t yet scream out “Hi Gina, back again?

You poor sod/mug/idiot (insert own variation here)".

I think employers have lost the plot.

Unless willing to start on anything from £12,000 downwards they all seem to want at least five years’ worth of experience. Now, I’m no rocket scientist, but surely to get experience, somebody out there somewhere needs to wake up and realise that they need to give you a

“I think employers have lost the plot” that ‘go go go’ determination wanting to start somewhere. Hear me roar. Hear me roar, dammit! (Ooh, and as a popular movie once said, “Show me the money!”) Unfortunately I’m not in a position to roar… it’s a

Student Rant Andrew Kowalik

T

V licensing. We all agree that there should be a student discount on it; after all, us students are a bunch of scrounging bastards so why stop at trying to scab a few quid back from the BBC? But in defence of the licence fee, there are other issues to look at; not just how much it costs (£121 from April 1). I’m going to introduce you to the reasons why you should love paying the licence fee.

The BBC is an admirable British institution; one to be proud of. It provides progressive training and support for British talent, ensuring production and skills in music, drama, film, radio and television are kept to a high national standard: just think of some of the more dire American TV programmes. I can name The Top Ten Eating Competitions as one of the most worthless and inane TV programmes the USA has ever produced.

Complete and utter tripe.

And what of the BBC self-interest stuff? Sure they have advertisements for their own programmes but I’d rather have that than some dreary lucrative advert about dial-a-rip-offloan or - even worse than that whatever baby-butt-showing bollocks that’s attempting to sell nappies. I mean, really, why? Is it imperative that some poor kid’s naked butt be shown to sell them? It’s like cigarette smoke; not at all conducive to pleasant dining.

And what if I’d care for a piss halfway through a film being aired on BBC? You know as I do that just like a visit to the cinema, it’s better to decide for ourselves at what point we relieve our bladders than have to either wait cross-legged until ITV cut to commercials, or finding ourselves being justly annoyed by the blatant and godforsaken, awful timing.

There is also the argument that the licence fee is illiberal. Why can’t you choose to just receive non-BBC channels? Well, do you honestly want to lose the licence fee and gain the commercial and political biases that say, we get when we buy fat-cat controlled newspapers (mentioning no names, Mr Murdoch)? I say let’s keep it. So let us decide: we don’t just want to keep it, we’re bloody grateful it exists at all.

You people out there that complain about this on a regular basis (you know if you’re one of ‘them’) this is for you, because I don’t want to hear anymore of your crap. As Mark Twain once said, "It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt."

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Political Opinion

May 3 2004

Page 9

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Lindsay Gowlett on Burma: ‘The repression of expression’

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urder, torture, rape, detention without trial, forced relocations and forced labour are a mere few of the human rights abuses that are violated repeatedly by the military regime in Burma. A nation of approximately 50 million people has been under military rule since an army coup overthrew the last democratically elected government in 1962.

Poverty and deprivation of hope led to pro-democracy demonstrations in 1988, whereby the army machinegunned thousands of peaceful protestors (monks, students and children included), bulldozed them off the streets, threw them into army

trucks and dumped them into the Irrawaddy River. That marked the arrival of a new military power the State Law and Order Restoration Council (SLORC), renamed the State Peace and Development Council in 1997.

Burma is a country ruled by fear due to a military force of 400,000 soldiers denying and violating human rights. The junta represses all freedoms of expression – art exhibitions and publications must be approved by the military. Newspapers are used to attack democratic parties and the broadcast media is used solely as a propaganda tool for the junta to be portrayed positively.

Repression is so extreme that any-

one publicly opposing the junta’s policies is imprisoned for 20 years and anyone owning a fax machine or modem unlicensed is sentenced to 15

years of imprisonment.

The law is the military, who have revoked the right for free elections by dismissing the results of 1990’s election in which Aung San Suu Kyi’s Party, the National League for Democracy (NLD), won 82% of the seats, resulting in the refusal to transfer power from the military to a democratically elected government.

In response to this many NLD members were murdered, while others were imprisoned - including Aung San Suu Kyi, who was later released but is now in her third bout of house arrest.

Burma’s economy is largely tied to the production of heroin and opium, and the economy solely benefits the

junta. Economic "development" such as the construction of a gas pipeline by the US company UNOCAL and France’s TOTAL has forcibly expelled many Burmese from their homes and has irreparably damaged the environment for "progress".

The Burma Campaign UK is calling the Labour Party to honour their pre-election stance supporting Aung San Suu Kyi and the enforcement of economic sanctions, for since they have been in power they have failed to impose them.

Burma needs to be placed on the United Nations Security Council’s agenda and economic sanctions on industries benefiting the dictatorship need to be imposed.

Ed Williams sees Life on the ‘no’ side Blair’s EU-turn as the way forward I

By Helen Burnett

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ony Blair’s decision to throw ammunition to euro-sceptics perhaps reveals his own ambivalence over further integration as much as it does his dealings with Rupert Murdoch. It may well prove a cataclysmically bad decision as the "no" arguments play on people’s already uninformed and pre-World War II ideas about Britain and nation states. It is also an opportunity for sensible but interesting debate that will bring issues of Europe to the people in a way not seen since 1975.

The initial furore and sensationalism of the eurosceptic camp will probably quieten down as Iraq and the next general election occupy our attention. But can there be any doubt that when push comes to shove the "no" camp, along with its Conservative (with their asses figured out from elbows) and Murdoch backers, will resort to jingoism, halftruths and outright xenophobia as judgement day approaches (when or if it ever does). This is not to say that there are not intelligent arguments on the "no" side and there are many people who will probably vote “no” whatever the influences, but the efforts will become more desperate to persuade people who aren’t really sure or in possession of the facts.

The reality of course is that we already live in a legally federal Europe and enjoy its benefits. However, its sheer slow progress is due to the strong abstract notions of sovereignty, an overly strong council of ministers and the language barrier. This has meant that the commitment to ‘ever closer union’ has moved slower than Becks on his

way to see Posh after another unwanted headline.

This new constitution is another slow but crucial step towards integration that allows peace, co-operation and legal protection of all our rights as European citizens on this big chunk of land we are fortunate to live in. Europe is not a conspiracy, it’s a hard-headed political construct that benefits states in this continent and will spread these benefits even further with enlargement in May. The undoubted shambles of CAP is because France has always been at the heart of Europe and is a net beneficiary of this policy, but if we as Britain and then as European citizens (and voters) could make ourselves actively more part of Europe, then such policies can be altered for the better.

We can still be British and retain our culture and the federal project demands no such surrendering of heritage. But by voting “yes” we agree to take another step towards making Europe a global force, more decisive and influential on foreign policy and tolerant to cultures and our hard-fought conceptions of justice. The recent decision to fine Microsoft 497 million euros for breach of competition laws shows how even in a modern world, shared notions of justice can be defended – together.

Broadly speaking, a “no” vote benefits sentimentalists and those rich and powerful who wish to have more influence in a Britain that would be bedraggled and in the political wilderness without the rest of Europe. The only way then would be alliance with America, with the USA calling the tune as it traditionally likes to do. Need I say more?

I do? Vote yes.

t can easily be said that life in the UK has been dramatically different from what was normal prior to the day that Blair said ‘yes’ to war in Iraq. For Britons, the past 12 months have been filled with nothing but foiled terrorism plots, WMD scandals, politicians doing a lot of explaining, and the list goes on.

As Iraq continues to be the source of ongoing worry and tragedy, many wonder what life would have been like in this country if events had played out a bit differently; if Blair had said ‘no thanks’ to Bush and the Iraq war.

To see this ‘what if’ scenario firsthand, all anyone has to do is look at the current situation in one of the first countries to say ‘no’ to Bush: America’s northern neighbour, Canada. Still a quiet and uneventful place, Canada could easily have been facing some of the same issues currently affecting Britain if not for former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien and his decision to join France and Germany in not supporting the war unless it was backed by the United Nations.

A year later, and still firmly supporting its moral decision to stand behind the UN’s resolution, Canadian society is arguably better off for sticking to its ideals than its friends in the coalition.

A look at daily life in a ‘no’ country such as Canada provides a perfect example of why the decision to stay out of Iraq was a favourable one. Canada does still concern itself with the threat of terror attacks; however the level of worry affecting coalition countries over impending retaliation resulting from the occupation of Iraq is simply not present.

The country is also completely exempt from dealing with all of the

Jean Chrétien: a wise liberal? economic, political and international fallout currently plaguing the current occupiers of Iraq.

While the British and US news media continue to publish stories about the degenerating situation in Iraq every single day, Canadian coverage is not bombarded with news of soldiers being killed or images of the newest batch of troops being sent over to replace wounded colleagues. The decision not to send troops to Iraq allowed Canadian forces to continue their usual peacekeeping operations in areas such as Afghanistan. As a result, Canadian news outlets do not have to follow the lead of the British media into reporting the latest shootouts in cities such as Fallujah and Basra, but concentrate instead on the well being of Canadian humanitarian workers, hostages, and the condition of the Iraqi people.

The ‘no’ decision has also resulted in Canada staying united behind the Liberal party. Unlike Blair’s constant requirement to justify his decision to the British public, Chrétien’s successor, Canada’s new Prime Minister Paul Martin is backed by an overwhelming 74% of the country who still believe that the Liberal government made the right decision to stay out of Iraq. Opposition within Blair’s own Labour party over his decisions has also divided the government all year. At the same time,

Canada’s Liberal party, along with several other political parties in Canada, have always remained in agreement against the war. The fact that Martin is not always on the defensive over Iraq has also allowed him to focus his time on pressing issues within the nation.

One of Britain’s main factors in deciding whether to join the war related directly to possible economic benefits resulting from closer ties with the US. Canada, however, was not hurt economically by its ‘no’ decision, even though it went against the wishes of its biggest economic ally. Despite an initial wave of negative reactions from the US it remains Canada’s biggest export market, consuming 85% of Canada’s international trade.

Sources suggest the Canadian economy has grown by 2.6% in the last year. Ordinary Canadians have also been subject to an unexpected tax break this year after having avoided contributing to the $1 billion weekly cost of occupying Iraq; an arguably favourable situation compared with those of the coalition countries.

These days, Canada’s only question when it comes to Iraq is deciding what, if any, role it will play in the rebuilding of the country. Canada has so far been denied the chance to bid on any contracts to rebuild Iraq, as these will be awarded largely to bidders from coalition countries. The Canadian government has said that this decision will make it difficult for Canada to contribute aid money for Iraq’s reconstruction. If this proves to be true, it is time for the coalition to admit some fault and accept help from non-coalition members. Perhaps it is also time for the coalition to take a closer look at how life has changed for so many over the last year and admit that the arguments of the ‘no’ countries like

This week marks the welcome return of the gair rhydd Politics page. If you want to write for the politics section email your articles and suggestions to gropinions@cf.ac.uk. Alternatively, come along to the weekly politics and opinion editorial meeting: Tuesdays, 5.15pm, in the GR office

Letters

Page 10

May 3 2004

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page IS NOW UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT Many weeks ago I wrote a letter to your fine paper about the scourge of un-official societies here at Cardiff.

It was nice to see it printed and for a while I was content. But then I got mad. Why? Because since then, there have been two published responses to my letter that have each received the status of 'Letter of the Week', thus winning their authors free cinema tickets.

Now, my argument is this: being the catalyst for two such star-letters, don’t you think it is only good and proper that I be awarded a retroactive Letter of the Week award, perhaps including a formal dinner ceremony?

You must understand, this is more an issue of pride and justice than of greed with me, for, as a UGC Unlimited member, your tickets would be redundant in my life. But that is not the point!

Without my finely honed musings on university life you would have been short two Letters of the Week, which would have left your pages blank and disturbed, and yet, for this selfless task, I am awarded nothing!

Nothing except the bitter pill that is sitting in the cinema knowing that somewhere in that darkened theatre two individuals sit enjoying that same movie for free off the back of my hard work!

At least this is what I thought, until a chance running into one Mr. Alan Allen, the first star letter writer, led to a terrifying discovery!

While at first we fought vehemently about everything like the natural nemisises (or nemisi) that we are, we

eventually got to talking about his attempted collection of cinema tickets from your offices and he revealed to me a terrible story! Instead of the collection of his prize, when he got to your offices he was told that there would be no free tickets for him because no one usually picked them up and so the GR staff just generally use them themselves!

Shocked and chagrined we immediately formed the Official Competitions Investigations Society; a society aimed at the official investigation of competitions run at, or for, Cardiff University. Our first planned investigation shall be against your fine paper. We shall start with the cinema ticket scandal, and then move forward to the pages of GRAB where who knows what other prize-based discrepencies could be going down?

Our investigations will begin after our first AGM in April. Allen and myself are running for all committee positions. We make a formidable alliance and you should all be very worried about us.

Yours in fair warning, Larry Calcutta, Third year, PS...We are the OFFICIAL Competitions Investigations Society and we investigate competitions. Do not be fooled by the Competitions Investigations Society. This society simply has its members hold simultaneous investigations on a number of issues, whilst a panel of judges rate their work competitively with the aim of awarding a prize.

Despite the allegations in this weeks Letter of the week I’m pleased to confirm that it WILL receive two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They WILL be available for collection from the gair rhydd office, on the top floor of the union building.

Text 07791165837 Ben connell is smelly and looks like jesus

this week i have been mostly looking...nautical

Cheats always prosper in IMG — fairness died along time ago in pontcanna

Sian house w flat 16 has had the barry!

Freaky guy with blue mohican you might have seen him. Sian we are disappointed!

Dear GR and readers. ru aware that GHB and other potential rape drugs have been used in fun factory. Watch ur drinks ladies. a worried andy

This is a message for simon j in talybont north, go to the doctors to get your infected dick sorted!

Although letters desk will always pine for the the lovely Janine Jones, we must go on. As new editor I have just two simple requests for anyone wanting to grace my pages with their views and opinions. Firstly, please send them as an attachment rather than in the main body of an email; it makes everything so much easier.

Seondly, please don t keep writing about subjects that have been done to death already beause frankly everyone s bored of reading about the same sub jects. Other than that, please write to me about anything and everything; this page is your place to have your say.

Perri Lewis

Educated but not Financially Literate = Brainless Poor Bloke In recent views of binge drinking, gambling, excessive use of credit facility, student top up fees, student debt, and deprivation of poor student from higher education, there must be a solution?

First on the list would be binge drinking, not to mention the enormous amount of headache it causes, such as un-productivity, anti-social behaviour, vandalism, health problems, and so forth. The definition of having a good night out is getting dead pissed and having a hang-over that lasts for weeks!

If drinking doesn’t get to you, gambling might entice you to gamble away your university funds and promote overuse of credit facility (ie credit card, overdraft facility). From observations of my fellow mates it seems they are running so deep into debt that they have no idea how to clear it. A friend of mine started of with £1,000 up in his account and by the end of the day he was left with a growing debt of £450.

How on earth did he spend £1K within 3 months? The answer is simple. Booze and gambling. These two sins are the main links to the rest of student’s misery; debt, debt and more debt! Stop for a while and think. Stop whining about top up fees and student debt and ask who is the one at fault here? a) The government, inclusive of Tony Blair and friends b) Osama Bin Ladin and his merry man c) President Bush, the Actor of all Evil d) Bad Weather (El-Niño or was it ElNiña)? e) None of the above, it’s YOU. University life does not have to be a liability; everyone can live a healthy lifestyle while enjoying a great social life without ever touching a single pint or gambling. There is no need to be debt ridden at the end of the day and have to get a miserable job, stay in a council house and clear up the mess you’ve made for the next 100 years till the extent when you are ‘SIX FEET’ under! The art of being a great gambler is not to gamble at all. The equation is, if you don’t gamble, you WIN! For every drunk/intoxicated/pissed-beyondself-recognition person that quits drinking the government would probably save millions on health care, vandalism and the wastage of vital man power (i.e. police).You’d probably end up not paying any top-up fees, and continue to enjoying a free (err…) education?

Evil is all around us, however, we are guided by our own conscience. You are the ‘Master and Commander’ of your ship and no one else can tell you what to do. Believe it or not, I’m also in

debt. My suggestion is to toast to those good times, get pissed and let tomorrow worry about itself! May the best man be rich!

Lee. Down but not out.

While Lee’s comments may leave some of you pushing away the pint, don’t let it get to you just yet. Without bar profits from Solus, the Union would lose a considerable amount of its income and would not be able to offer such a substantial proportion of services. So when you next decide to blitz your overdraft on a night at Come Play don’t feel guilty about contributing to student debt; remind yourself that you’re helping to keep a vital part of the university alive.

The religious touch From a general perspective the world is littered with hundreds of religions and the usual massage (sic) it preaches is peace, and notably also the notion of good against evil. However, the true power lies in us, the definition of who is God, lies in what is our best interest.

What seems to be against our conscience is crossed out, formulating new rules of our own, to make us feel righteous or morally acceptable. In the Medieval era (The age of Crusaders and Holy War or jihad), religion was the main catalyst; people of this period were following blindly and submitting to religion, as in the selling of ‘indulgences’ - the cancellation by the Pope of the punishment still due for sins after absolution, the more money you paid the more sins were forgiven. In parts of Spain where the Moors had just conquered, Christians were forcefully converted or isolated if they did not follow suit. This was totally different from the birth place of Islam, the city of Medina, where a charter was created to protect non-Muslims from any unfair treatment. A century later, there’s a feeling of repetition: religion again has been one of the key ingredients of terrorists to strike fear, kill, and terrorise the innocent. There’s a universal massage (sic) being preached by the ‘holy scripture’, not only referring to Christianity alone but also Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Catholic and so forth.

Correct me if there’s amendments been made to the scriptures of any religion.

Words from the scripture are being construed in so many different tongues,

methods; to the extent it’s been so vague and muddled, we substitute it with our own version. To the extent that killing is justified in the name of religion, as is the supression of woman’s rights, chopping of hands for stealing, stoning for adultery, gays becoming pastors/bishops, banning the use of condoms, certain religions are even given authority to amend scripture if they think fit, all this is outrageous, what have become of our religions?

There was even an article in the newspaper during a recent election, which quoted from the words of an infamous religious political figure: "Those who chose to cross over (to the opposition party), shall suffer the wrath of God and burn in Hell."

Was it just politics or was it actually God’s word that you shall not cross over to the opposition party? Religion is undeniably the corner stone of our civilisation, to understand you’d have to grasp the essence of it first, before stating your case. Do not be influenced by the lies, inaccuracies spread by those who seek to use religion as a scapegoat for their own personal gain.

The truth shall set you free.

Anon.

Prior to reading this letter I wasn’t aware that that any religion could boast peaceful massages. Now that I know I’m considering trying new ways of getting my recurring back problem sorted out...

Library closures Why oh why oh why did the powers that be decide to close the Humanities Library on the weekend of 10/11 April (at the end of the first week of the Easter Holidays.) Like many students, I fell behind with work this term and planned on spending most of the holidays in the Library writing essays, so was rather pissed when the library was shut for a whole weekend when, let’s face it, it wasn't a bank holiday and it was still a week away from Easter.

V. Pissed Off 3rd Year I totally agree that this is not on, but there’s usually a method in peoples madness. If anyone from the Huantities library would like to enlighten letters desk to why its services were not avaliable at such an important time of year we would all be more than grateful.

Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - I will endeavour to print anything that I think is worthwhile, but please remember that I do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. The views expressed in these letters are not usually the views of letters desk or gair rhydd.

Media

May 3 2004

Page 11

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

The best of the rest

Ever wondered what the other student papers that we refer to in Media Muddle each week are really like? gair rhydd Media presents a potted guide to other student publications around the country.

Scan Lancaster University

Student Direct Manchester

AT FIRST glance Lancaster University’s SCAN appears bland and uninviting.

The text is dense and the graphical design is almost non-existent. There’s little in these pages to draw the discerning reader in. Amateur is a word that springs to mind.

Apparently ‘SCAN’ stands for Student College and Administrative News. Not exactly an attention getter. It started back in 1967 as a news service for university members and has evolved into what they claim is an exciting, all round source of news and entertainment.

The first few pages are filled with news stories such as limited parking spaces and the apparent crime rise on campus. Delve deeper inside and you do find a variety of sections including music, jobs, horoscopes, features, letters, arts and sports mixed with plenty of advertisements. The actual articles inside are written rather well and show plenty of potential.

But it looks terrible and leaves the impression that it was edited in ten minutes with an ‘it’ll do’ attitude. A bit of restyling and a drastic alteration of the page layouts could work wonders.

Catherine Gee

MANCHESTER’S STUDENT read is co-produced by the city’s three universities, as well as B o l t o n Institute a n d Salford

Stewart McLean agrees: "Although the paper has a great sense of fun about it, we know our weaknesses but I think we're quite well designed, reasonably tightly subbed, well resourced and I think we stand quite favourably among some of the best student newspapers".

Student Direct is a good-looking read with good scoops, certainly better than most of the muddle we get each week (we’re looking at you Hullfire).

Will Dean

Galloway lining up in print.

The papers listings section is probably its biggest let down. Everything in Oxford is crammed into a half page spread. Perhaps there’s just not much happening in Oxford?

The paper has a consistent style and the use of colour photographs

The Oxford Student Oxford Univeristy

University.

Able to attract the stars, the edition we looked at (Dec 8th) included interviews with Lord of the Rings star Dom Monaghan, Irish popsters The Thrills and he of Leslie-outing fame, Channel 5’s Matthew Wright.

Where Student Direct excels is in its news coverage, which covers stories like the Manchester student being held captive in Iraq. The tabloid style of news pages also gives space to light stories, such as the return of a stolen sign from a DJ booth.

But the paper falls down in the lifestyle and sports areas. S.D. editor

THE OXFORD Student is one of two newspapers at Oxford University.

Unlike the self-financing Cherwell, the Oxford Student is owned, operated and financed by the Student Union. In 2001, The Oxford Student won best student newspaper at The Guardian Student Media awards.

The style of the paper is similar to that of a broadsheet. The front page consists of a picture with a half page article and links to articles inside. This continues throughout the paper, with a large section appointed to ‘comments’. The Oxford Student spends more time on feature articles than other student papers, approaching subjects such as: ‘Oxford’s CCTV cameras: are they promoting safety or breaching privacy?’ The interviews are very impressive with political heavyweights like Jack Straw and George

throughout is of high quality. The presentation is well laid out and it has few adverts taking up space. The Oxford Student is a good read, but can take itself a little too seriously at times.

Bec Storey

He should stick to writing

A

article was his omission of the fact that he was booked in to present the day before we were finally subjected to his show, but he cancelled an hour beforehand.

The reasons? He put it down to his lack of preparation and the fact he had forgotten his training, before adding ‘I do have a paper to edit, you know.’

Then he shuffled back down the corri-

at Xpress Radio

FOUNDED IN 1973, the Warwick Boar has been the University of Warwick’s student newspaper for around 30years.

The Boar’s team consists of over twenty voluntary editorial staff and every week sees the paper being distributed to students all around the campus.

Fortnightly, Warwick produces their alternative to Quench, entitled the Core. This includes all the latest music, lifestyle and book news.The Boar also boasts a very professional internet site, full of news, opinions and online polls and discussions.

The paper has a more broadsheet feel to it than gair rhydd but still keeps student issues a priority. The ‘Perspective’ pages are excellent, with a variety of opinions given on all kinds of subjects. It is also nice to see a student paper make way for a ‘Jobs and Money’ section, even if it is slightly limited.

Overall a very professional student aware paper, nearly up to gair rhydd’s standard.

Amy Gorochowski

Media Muddle

Last term we gave Alex Machpherson his own show on Xpress Radio. Regular DJ Adam Brooks wasn’t impressed nybody who read Alex importance of taking control over your Macpherson’s account of output (presumably he wanted us all to ‘becoming’ an Xpress Radio hear sports editor Riath Al-Samarrai DJ will no doubt have enjoyed such calling him a cock on air.)

Of course, the resulting article an entertaining read.

It was interesting to read how quickly stumbled into a re-hash of the Xpress Radio represents the lazier side dated slurs that have been traded of journalism, and how the medium between gair rhydd and Xpress Radio since the two existed alongside one was quite clearly beneath him.

A quick read of the comments he another. One major ‘oversight’ in the made make it obvious that much of it was written to provoke a response from his media neighbours at Xpress.

Whilst I normally avoid rising to such obvious bait, I thought I should, if only to point out a few home truths.

Shows on Xpress Radio are not always perfect. However, mistakes are kept to a minimum due to each DJ practising – usually for a bit longer than the one hour Alex devoted to training. They are then made aware of the broadcasting guidelines we have to stick to in order to avoid being taken off air (which he violated), the amount of time devoted to putting the weekly playlist together (which he ignored), the need to talk up to the beginning of songs (which he didn’t), and the ALEX MACHPHERSON: Not loved

Warwick Boar Warwick Univeristy

dor, seemingly unaware that he had just performed the radio equivalent of telling your editor that you can’t be arsed editing your section of the paper this week because you don’t know how.

In fact, the only part of the article that I don’t take issue with is the description of his own show as ‘woeful’. At the end of the day, for all Mr Macpherson’s attempts to belittle the medium of radio, the point is pretty clear – he tried to be a DJ, and he just couldn’t do it. Much like a child who is crap at a game and stomps off, calling it ‘a stupid game anyway’, he took up the majority of the gair rhydd media section with misguided potshots at Xpress Radio, frustrated by his inability to hold a single show together.

Xpress Radio decided to play him at his own game, and have a DJ write an article for Gair Rhydd. The fact that you’re reading it now means that an Xpress Radio DJ can find a role in both radio and print journalism. What a shame Alex ‘car-crash radio’ Macpherson can’t say the same.

First off a big well done to Manchester University. Union officials have banned the Daily Star, the Student Direct reports, after the paper published a series of editorials slamming Corrie’s gay kiss. Not before time we say. Perhaps they’d like to add Richard Desmond’s other caring, liberal publication, the Daily Express, to the list as well. Asian babes can stay though.

Media would like to say a fond farewell to Hullfire, which arrived this month with a front page proclaiming "The Final Edition." It’s not clear if this is permanent or not, but we would like to thank them for making us feel better if we worried our pages were poor. How we’re going to fill this column for the rest of the year is somewhat of a problem.

We’re not normally petty enough to pick up on poor grammar (this column alone probably accounts for 70% of such errors in this paper), but we couldn’t resist a titter when Scan’s headline proclaimed to have interviewed Lancaster Alumni and Radio 2 Presnter (sic). Perhaps the BBC has some kind of arrangement to find work with their MOR station for all Lancaster students or maybe this is an ongoing project. Either way it was enough to reduce our proofreaders to tears.

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Jobs & Money

May 3 2004

Page 13

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Do you have a masterplan?

News in brief

NEW GRAD FORTNIGHT

Week 2: Monday 7 to Friday June 11 2004

following graduation you’ll be pleased to hear that the University Careers Service is on hand to help you make your journey as easy as possible.

If you are graduating this summer all the careers advice and support you may need is available to you now and after graduation.

The Careers Service offers a wide range of services for graduates of all disciplines.

These include a comprehensive information room packed with information on jobs,

NEW GRAD FORTNIGHT

Week 1: Tuesday 1 to Friday June 4 2004 11am-12noon 2pm-3pm 3.30pm-4.30pm 11am-12noon 1.30pm -2.30pm 3pm- 5pm 11am- 2pm 10am-12noon 1pm-2pm 2pm-3pm 3.30pm-4.30 pm 1pm-4pm 11am-12noon 2pm-3pm 3.30pm-4.30pm

safe and would "I never wanted a job that was by the printer are We . pay the mor tgage", he says although this e, plac take ions uss disc y where man and when ter prin the by is mainly because I sit uments, doc r thei ct colle to over es someone com them to in deta tely pera warm off the press I des . utes min few a y waste awa n I was growing "But after having no money whe y paid job, even entl dec a get to glad up I was just ’t intend to sign didn I . ying if it was fairly soul-destro never quite got and it into fell just I ver. up to it fore around to leaving." y and one that It is a depressingly familiar stor this place. I in s time few I’ve heard more than a filled with are es offic r othe y man how k dread to thin trapped ers work t t-ou burn similar horror stories of to support r orde in hate they jobs with into staying feel extraordinarily their families. It makes me e. In fact I have rout pe esca an have I e lucky becaus before they them use to several and I fully intend off. ed become clos are also, like The majority of people reading this will soon you that fact The y. luck ly me, extreme

d

yd

By Alex Dove

. have degrees is the obvious one ut abo et forg to y It is all too eas what doors this will open up to us. We may have a student loan to pay off but we are not con or port sup to ily fam stricted by a tresponsibilities, such as a mor take and job my quit gage. I could ned. I could save off tomorrow if I felt that way incli loan and do a ther ano get or g ellin up and go trav really desperwas I if id postgrad course. God forb house and nts’ pare my to e hom go ate I could even t I wantwha out sort I e hopefully live rent-free whil life. my ed to do with feel like we have The point is whilst we may not er that we do. emb rem to d nee we these options gs working in thin y man Lots of them. There are so are young We . lives our in t poin this our favour at weary the or cism cyni and not yet fettered with e. We dan mun ally enti ess is life that acceptance s to look out for. are going places with only ourselve free to do as we and stic usia enth ly We are unfailing choose. the riches this And that, my friends, is wor th all world has to offer. r h

Postcards from the Real World

ir

Tuesday June 1 CV Haven't a Clue What I Want To Do Application Forms Wednesday June 2 Interviews Employment Regs for International Students Introduction to Running Your Own Business Drop in Session with Deloitte's Thursday June 3 Aptitude Test Should I Disclose a Disability to an Employer?

Working in Wales Money Management Practice Interviews Friday June 4 Recruitment Agencies Interviews CV

travel and postgraduate study, an online vacancy bulletin at www.cardiff.ac.uk/caas/vacancy and career consultation and quick enquiry appointments with a team of 8 specialist career consultants. In addition there’s a job seekers’ support group offering help and guidance for graduates, Go Wales paid graduate work placements and Graduating 2 Enterprise, supporting those of you keen to set up our own business.

For 2004 there is also a newgrad fortnight programme developed for final year students of all degree disciplines.

From Tuesday June 1 for two weeks a range of talks and workshops have been scheduled covering a variety of topics including ‘Haven't A Clue What I Want To Do’, CVs, interview skills, aptitude tests and money management to name but a few.

What is more, the highlight of this fortnight's events is the graduate recruitment fair which takes place on Wednesday June 9 from 11am to 4pm at Cardiff City Hall. This is an

ga

W

hom among you has planned for life after Cardiff Univeristy?

With exams, the summer ball, end of semester and graduation all fast approaching at what point will you start thinking about life after Cardiff University?

Inevitably some of you will have plans in place. It might be travelling, a graduate training programme, a full time job or temporary work lined up but for others the future may not be so clear. Whatever your destination

Monday June 7 Aptitude Test Application Forms Interviews Tuesday June 8 Job Search Assessment Centre How to Identify Disability & Diversity Friendly Employers Practice Interviews Wednesday June 9 Graduate Recruitment Fair City Hall, Cathays Park, Cardiff Inland Revenue Mobile Advice Centre City Hall Car Park Thursday June 10 Haven't a Clue What I Want To Do CV Postgraduate Study Friday June 11 Job Search Application Forms

10am-12noon 2pm-3pm 3.30pm-4.30pm 10am-11am 11am-2.30pm 3pm-4pm 11.30am-4pm 11am-4pm From 10am 11am -12noon 2pm-3pm 3.30pm-4.30pm 11am-12noon 2pm-3pm

opportunity for you to meet representatives from 40 organisations who are keen to meet recent graduates and showcase the wide range of graduate jobs and opportunities they have to offer.

So whatever your destination following graduation the Careers Service is on hand to help.

Open daily throughout the year at 5 Corbett Road, check the website for opening times.

Full details of these services and events are published in the Careers Service’s Graduate Passport to Success so be sure to collect your copy, available in late May. See the panels left and above for more details about the talks and advice on offer at Graduate Fortnight.

JOB FILE “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

Drew Carey

Money Talks “If you want to know what God thinks about money, just lok at the people he gave it to.”

Dorothy Parker

Ruling the rooster

A lawyer is arguing that drugs found in a rooster’s cage belonged to the bird and not his client.

A gun and a bag of cocaine were found in the cage with the rooster and two hens who owned them, according to the lawyer.

The prosecutors dismissed the claim as "absurd and impertinent".

The lawyer thinks that because the drugs were in the possession of the animals then by law they are the ones who should be accused.

Let’s hope for their sake that there are no signs of fowl play.

Seven month sleepover

A homeless student lived in a university library for seven months without being caught.

The New York University student couldn’t afford to pay rent on top of his tuition fees so slept in the library.

Discovered by administrators last week, he had been keeping a web log of his undercover life online at www.homelessatnyu.com.

The student said he washed in the library’s toilets and kept his belongings in lockers. He said: "It was getting quite comfortable".

He has now been provided with free housing for the rest of the semester.

Firing line

Three people have been fired after printing swear words on thousands of aero bars at a factory in York.

The words "Shit bar" were printed on the wrappers in place of the Best Before date. The faulty wrappers never left the factory.

A flat Jordan?

No excuses for men not to do the ironing with a new ironing board cover that features Jordan in a bikini. As the cover heats up the clothes disappear leaving her naked.

There are also male models, although as one GR writer declares: “The men’s schlongs are obviously superimposed, while there is nothing fake about Jordan.”

Hmmmm. Think she may have missed something there.

Pain in the ass

A New York court official is suing the city after a toilet he was sitting on broke.

“I was sitting on the toilet bowl and the next think you know, it exploded,” said the man.

He is suffering from four herniated disks in his back and is claiming £2.8m in damages.

He now goes to physical therapy and a chiropractor. “It’s a pain in the ass to do all this stuff,” he said.

If you have any careers or money questions or just want to comment on this page, email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

University of Glamorgan Business

Marketing; Management; Procurement; Human Resource Management; Public Management; Project Management; MSc Entrepreneurial Practice; MSc Female Entrepreneurship

Computing

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May 3 2004

Five minute fun

Page 15

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

Name: ____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office (this is the preferred option, as its less work for me, and more exercise for you) or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Tiebreaker: If you were in a rock band, what would your alias be? _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ Last week’s winner was - Marta Domachowska, who does Business.

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick).

Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

The Half-Arsed Quiz

The joke corner

1.What does O.C stand for in Channel 4’s new American series?

2. Whose album is entitled The Soul Sessions?

3. What’s the name of Jake (Donnie Darko’s) actress sister?

4. Carrie Fisher’s (aka Princess Leia) new novel is called what? (gold bikini, gold bikini, gold bikini) 5. What’s the best hour to exercise? (as if there’s ever a good time!!)

6. Curacao is par t of which exotic group of islands?

7. Who is the face of Givenchy’s fragrance Irresistible?

8. What’s the longest side of a right-angled triangle called?

9. What was the biggest selling single of 2003 down under?

10. Jonny Greenwood is from which band? (hint: they are officially the best band in the world!)

This week I have submitted to popular demand and dedicated this corner to anti women jokes. I agree it’s about time, I have been rather degrading to those scum, flea-bitten annoyances, otherwise known as boys. I’m sorry I just can’t help myself, put it down to experience! So here goes...

How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

Marry her Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to speak A guy walked into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of viagra. The pharmacist asks him suspiciously. ‘Do you have a prescription for that?’ he asks. ‘No’ says the guy, ‘but will this picture of my wife do?’

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, ‘Have you been drinking, sir?’ ‘Why?’ snorts the man, ‘Is there a fat bird in my car?’

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye kicked the shit out of him

1. Orange County 2.The delightful Joss Stone 3. Maggie 4.The Best Awful (sounds wonderful doesn’t it??) 5. 4pm 6. the Caribbean 7. Liv Tyler 8. Hypoteneuse (that’s for all you maths geeks out there, I bet I got it wrong anyway!) 9, Jet, Are you gonna be me girl 10. Radiohead (the best band in the world)

Matt’s Problem Page

Page 18

grproblempage@cf.ac.uk : Don’t talk to me either!

Talk to Nightline, because they aren’t evil, vindictive, fire breathing monsters like people accuse me of being. And they actually care. And listen... you? Do you listen to Coldplay

Problem of the Week Typo and moan about Snow Patrol Dear Matt, I am drunk and decided to email you because I thought ti would be funny because I can show my housemates and we can laggh at it and it will make me look vbig and clever in a ironical way cos you think your big and clever and beter than rveryone Fuck yeh AA Adams "Ironical". Ironical that. I-fuckingronical. Random too is it? Is it really rather random? Do your housemates eat Pot Noodles because that’s what they think students should do? Do you watch Bargain Hunt and moan because David Bastardface isn’t on it anymore? Because the new guy is too "middle-class"? Do

using the same chords because you had guitar lessons once and learnt Wonderwall? Do you sometimes sit out and discuss how IRONICAL it is that George Bush is stupid? Do you? Do you talk about which Kevin Smith film mirrors your life best? (even though you can’t hang at the mall and don’t really know anything about comics, apart from X-Men, because you watched the cartoon) Do you slag off Tony Blair because you think he bums David Blunkett in the EYE? Is that IRONICAL? IS IT? IS THAT FUCKING IRONICAL? Do you know what an overdraft is? And isn’t it SO COOL that you only live off your overdraft? That it’s alright because you get free money anyway. Oh aye, that’s ironical, right there.

More drunken emails please.

Matt

So I’m assuming you’ve all put on at least three stones after gorging yourselves on Easter chocolate, and now you feel completely helpless blimping about Cardiff in preparation for impending exams. All of which means you’re probably as problem-ridden as you ever were, and hence should email me your ailments. Particularly if you’ve not written anything for the four essays you have a week to do. grproblempage@cf.ac.uk

Britney Dear Matt, My boyfriend never shuts up about Britney’s arse. It’s driving me insane, as she’s obviously great, and I’m not so great. So I feel jealous of a pop star and feel sad about it and get all depressed. He’s not so picturesque himself mind, so would you please give me some advice about how to put him down, as that might cheer me up somewhat. I can never think of anything to say to him in response.

Cheers

OK, so when he says "arf, Britney, cor, what a fantastic arse", you can say any of the following: "Yes, but I’ve got herpes." "That’s what your Mum said." "I’ve got Aids." "I pissed on you last night." "I love pornography." "I mailed some pictures of your penis to my friends/auntie/Cosmo." "I just had your baby thrown in a bin." "I am considering your position as my boyfriend." "I really fancy Justin Lewis." (For some reason the last one there destroys the hearts of men.)

Matt

Anon, Talybont

Butter Dear Matt, Our housemate is behaving strangely. On several occasions this week she has been caught eating butter, and dipping breadsticks in her tea. Although this would appear consistent with a pregnant woman, she is not pregnant. We are concerned that her recent spell in the sunshine has made her go funny in the head, as she only responds to "whore" and often does everyone’s washing up, even when it’s a Weetabix bowl that’s been left for three days. We are concerned that she may be in love with a next door neighbour; she sleeps in all the time, never goes out unless to buy Lurpak and sings in the shower FAR too much.

Four frightened third years Wonderful, what a way to spend the "Three Nicest Days Of Sunshine Ever Because We Use So Much Hairspray and Dirty, Dirty Lynx" – going off your tits. As long as she has good posture and her

central nervous system appears to in fine working order, she’ll cope. Never understood why people eat butter. Breadsticks in tea is alright. I prefer to dip small children’s heads in chlorine. I sound so "random" don’t I? You have to get over that word folks.

It’s useless, in fact it’s a fucking disgrace, and I can’t stress that enough. Thespian infidels. And why do Nokia phones break after a year? Singing in the shower can be avoided with those pins I mentioned about 17 weeks ago, although if Phil Collins sang in my shower for me I’d be chuffed. I may even forget to wash my face, in fact.

I don’t know what to say anymore, there’s a really good film on right now and you fuckers are all mental and Karl Kennedy has pissed me off beyond words, and Lyn Scully deserves an axe between her eyes, and that new fella Scott is EVERYTHING I hate about everything. So just abide her and be nice to your peers, boycott the burger vans and eat lots of Lidl biscuits.

Matt

Sunshine

seem to hide it quite well by never going out in the sun.

Dear Matt,

Ta,

I’m going on holiday with my mates in summer. The only thing is, they’re all really buff and constantly walk around half naked, and don’t really care. I’m quite insecure about my body and we’re going to a really hot country, so I’ll be required to get naked all the time to go swimming. Any tips on how to get buff before I go out there, but so that they don’t know I’ll be doing it? I don’t think they realise how paranoid I get about my body, and I

First year Medicine

God

Not this one chaps, not this one.

For I am in fact incapable of such fraudulent activities, and receive a healthily sustained email influx, especially around times of a) sunshine, b) rain, c) war and d) cheap chocolate sales. Lidl’s opening may also have contributed to this, as people like the biscuits far too much…

Anyway dear boy, racism is so May 2002. He can get over that one quite easily. Remember that cooked meat is always ready when the juices run clear. If the cheese obscures any kind of impromptu testing with that REALLY COOL key fob - that insults your mummy because it’s got some kind of disgraceful plastic phallus on it – then get this deity-type fella to lick it off, or whatever. Paying £2.50 for a cheeseburger never appealed to me anyway. How about everyone boycotts the burger vans for a week? Tell you what’ll happen, they’ll lower their prices. So try that one, eh? That, and you can gloat over that fat kid whimpering in the driver’s seat.

Can’t think of anything to alleviate your fears old bean, but could point you in the direction of a bus stop that would accommodate sniper cover from the roofs above. It’s that or grin and bear the arrogant sponge-faced minge.

Dear Matt, I have a problem with one of my flatmates. After a near fatal experience he seems to think that he is invulnerable rather than just the demi-god he usually sees himself as. This is beginning to scare me more than usual as I fear that he might do something stupid like eat a burger from outside the union or start shouting the word sheep in the high street. Can you think of anyway to alleviate my fears?

Thanks, Fearful first year You see, one has been inundated with accusations of "making the fuckin’ problems up." I find this inappropriately justified, since I slave my phat arse off to make sure you folks can improve your quality of life. I’d level such criticism at the lesser publications, you know, the ones with the middleaged, haggard, nose-jobbed, undoubtedly chronically depressive, hypocrite types with Susan Kennedy barnets and that REALLY horrible wrinkly cleavage that they get. The ones who attempt to suggest that it’s okay to talk to your parents if your face has fallen off.

TV Dear Matt The other day a film crew came in to our lecture, to ask us some questions about something to do with people in the world. I ended up saying something, and it was alright, and now I’m going to be on telly, and everyone’s going to see me saying something and I’m going to be quite embarrassed. I can’t actually remember saying what I said, because I was slightly hungover and very nervous. I don’t want people to see it, especially my housemates, as they are all really evil and laugh at me for no reason. I’m not a shy person but I really didn’t want to be on television. What should I do to stop being worried? I have contemplated drug abuse.

A shy (sort of) person who does things sometimes Reality TV is so much better than people say. Honest. I fancied Katy Hill like mad when I was 12. Then, right, she’s running about on telly, amazing. I have to say my feelings

The sun will besmirch your body, puny white person. It will burn your fat off and chuckle to itself.

Your friends will hold you high in the midday sun as a sacrifice to the Mediterranean sun lord "Sunny" and you will burn like a big fat pig who got thrown on a fire by mistake but smelt good.

Matt

Matt may have waned, but still, the joys of it. But anyway. I wouldn’t worry about it too much, unless you outed your Dad or something, or if you’ve managed to make weird faces, like you’ve got a fly in your eye or something. Next time you see a person with a fly in their eye, watch them closely, it’s funny as.

Housemates exist to be really evil and laugh at you. That’s why they’re not called housefriends, or housechaps. You see? It’s part of growing up to be on television and get laughed at for making a penis of yourself because you said something really bad about society or something. And if you didn’t want to be on television, why did you sign the disclaimer? Why do people do things they don’t want to then moan about it afterwards? I’ll answer that nicely worded rhetoric question right there. You love it.

You love it so much you probably rang everyone you know to tell them to watch you, and then disclaimed yourself by saying "oh, but I didn’t really want my great big rosy face on television you know…"

Sure you didn’t. Sure. You. Didn’t.

Matt

May 3 2004

Handy tip of the week You’ve been toiling away, whatever it is that you need to finish by 4pm the next day, or scrubbing down that shelf, or you know, eating. The time has arrived for you to go home, feel that crusty linen of your bed and try and ignore the banging against the wall that your inconsiderate neighbours keep making.

So then, your bag is heavy, your eyes are sore, and you can see white squares when you shut them. This may be because you’re off your tits, but is probably more akin to your writer being awake far too late and then trying to sleep. Either way, you’re toddling away, thinking about the chippy, or maybe about how you’re going to tell your housemates that you burnt their favourite wooden spoon.

You may even consider the plausibility of a plum tree growing out of the gravelly crap that your garden comprises of. Not that a plum tree could grow in such a hostile environment. Not that you like plums either.

But I digress, as most of these little tales tend to.

Right, so then this person walks past your woeful little self, and they’re grinning. Not even a mischievous grin, but a spectacular, toothy bastard of a SMILE. Curious, one thinks, as this person is on their own. So you try and establish what it is that has caused this grin to occur, even though the psychotic grinning type is now at least 50 yards the other way and you’re well on your way to that bed.

Still no reason, and you’re beginning to ponder the sanity of LAUGHING TO YOURSELF WHILE WALKING ON YOUR OWN DOWN THE STREET. I don’t get it. I don’t. To be frank it scares the piss out of me. Perhaps that’s because I’m a sulky shit most of the time, and clearly remain jealous that something must STILL be MAKING SOMEONE SMILE, WHILST ON THEIR OWN, AT LEAST 10 MINUTES AWAY FROM WHATEVER MADE THEM SMILE. Unless it’s them bastard mobile phones, BLEEPING in my FACE. So explain it. Why would you walk with a fixed grin on your face? Unless it’s a grimace, as the sun burns your nose off. Why would you maintain an expression of glee, which in fact makes you look utterly demented? Not to sound arsey like, more an observation which makes me sound arsey. Because you know, you’re either one of the people that has some mental disease which you can spread at will and then laugh at stupid people like me, or you’re actually just… happy. In which case, you’re probably ignorant...

Or perhaps you’re just enjoying the beautiful sunshine, strolling away like you’ve got no cares in the world. Well if I see you meandering along with a stupid fat grin on your stupid fat head I’ll probably do nothing at all. But I’ll think about it. Oui.

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Listings

Page 20

May 3 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday03/05

Tuesday04/05

Wednesday05/05

Thursday06/05

Fun Factory @ SU 9-2am. Free (NUS).

Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry.

Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play. 8pm £1.50.

Film Society @ UGC Meet in the UGC Bar at 8pm, film at 9pm.

Coordinated @ Amber Lounge New night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter.

7pm-11pm, £1 (NUS).

Live @ Barfly The Bronx + Danko Jones + 400 Blows £7.50 adv, doors 7.30pm Coming Up...

Showcase at Cardiff Barfly Every Monday evening three local bands will get the chance to play at this showcase of SouthWales talent. Each band will play for 30 minutesand be assessed by someone from within the Welsh music industry who will give a full critique of their performance. The best band each month will win a whole host of delights, including a showcase spot at London Barfly, and inclusion in the culminating best of 2004 gig (December) and CD. To enter, bands must provide the following: 1. x2 demo CDs (one for Barfly, one for GTFM) 2. x2 biographies 3. Full contact info to inc. email address / details of band website 4. Photos if possible for Barfly to display on their site - please email rather than send them.

Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors: 8pm. Show 9pm £3.50 (NUS) Bounce @ Barfly Drum and bass. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors 9pm £2.50 (NUS).

Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk. Bar till 2am happy hour drinks all night. Free entry.

Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots. No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11, £1.50 after.

Open Mic Night @ The Toucan The best local singers songwriters and musicians play in an informal Setting with open mic sessions from 8pm til 12.20am. £1 from 9pm.

S O U L MOTION @ Moloko Heavy Funk, Raw Soul, Tamla Motown, Dancefloor Jazz, Boogaloo. Bar open till 2am,Cocktails £2.95, shots from £1, free entry. 8pm-2am Embracing Barbarians @ The Sherman theatre Students from the University of Glamorgan work with professionals from Found Reality Theatre to create this multimedia performance work for an integrated deaf and hearing cast and audience. The dying poet Constantine Cavafy has lost his voice to cancer but learns to sign to his angel during one last visit to his favourite male brothel.

Meanwhile the Graf Zeppelin carrying Gertrude Stein, Alice Toklas, Stephen Spender and W.H. Auden crash lands on a Greek island as Adolf Hitler is voted to power. Tues- Fri 20:00 Tickets: £7, Reductions £5 Lunchtime Concert @ St. David’s Hall Andrew Lucas organ.1:00pm £5.00, £4 (NUS) Jazz Double Bill @ St. David’s Hall Joe Zawinul & The Zawinul Syndicate, Bill Bruford's Earthworks-Featuring Tim Garland A double bill featuring two pioneering artists in a night of outstanding jazz. 7:30pm. £10.00, £12.50, £15.00. £2 off with NUS Live @ Barfly Seafood + Distophia £6 adv, doors 7.30pm

Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm. Free.

Express @ Barfly 10pm-1am £3 (NUS).

All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco Popscene: Indie Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!!

What more could you want?

9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am £2.

Simple @ The Philharmonic Free.

Cheapskates @ Metros It may be a little dark cave but don’t let that put you off. This really is a legendary night...Go on, get yourself a musical education! Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code. 9pm-2am.

Boomshanka @ The Toucan (Downstairs) The new night at the Toucan dedicated to late 60s/70s acoustic soul and hippy funk with a sensational new session band backing special guests as well as DJs playing anything from Crosby Stills & Nash to Little Feat, Joni Mitchell and The Beach Boys.

Wednesdays @ Moloko. NEW! Weekly nights of of raunchy electro, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem.

Dylan Moran @ St. David’s Hall Monster 11. With an impressive catalogue of awards to his credit, including the Perrier Award and a Bronze Rose at the Montreaux Festival, the creative force behind Channel 4's BAFTA winning sitcom Black Books brings his humour to the Hall in a hilarious standup show 8:00pm £14.00 Hang the DJ @ The New Model Inn Bring your music and play it from 8 for the official pre- clwb warm up. Free entry Patua Dance Afro-Brazilain Dance Workshop @ Chapter Arts Centre Suitable for all abilities.

7:30-9:00 £6 (£5 conc.) per session Live @ Barfly Aspects (live) + First Rate (live) + Mr Thing + DJ STX + Mylz + Broken Silence (breakdance crew) £8 adv, doors 8pm

Live @ Barfly Breed 77 + <209> £7 adv, doors 7.30pm Rocknight @ Barfly Classic rock night. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska.

Doors: 10pm £3 (NUS).

Antidote @ Clwb Ifor Bach As informative as ever.

9:00pm £3/2.50 Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, DnB, breaks.

Drinks promotions all night. 9pm-2am. Free before 11, £1 after.

Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and RnB. 9pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am.

Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, ska, reggae.

Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes - pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really.

8.30pm- 2am. Free.

ABRI @ The Toucan The best Welsh/Bi-lingual night Cardiff has to offer!

This month featured artistes include the excellent ZABRINSKI (just back from their tour with the Furries), Elin Fflur and Sam Mozz. DJ Gareth Potter on the decks.

10pm £5/4 Do I Come Here Often? @ Chapter Arts Centre Does the perfect romantic moment really exist?

What does it mean to fall in love? Are you my ideal partner, or am I just imagining you?

Four performers in four spaces in one room each play out their individual fantasies of the ideal romantic encounter – a search for the perfect partner, the unattainable other, the ‘one’. Each performance charts the frantic, tormented and sometimes bizarre actions of seduction and desire. Are you real? Is this really happening? Or is it just make-believe? Overlapping and interweaving, the four performers infringe on both their own and the spectators various realities. They search and suffer in the name of romance, exploring the secret realms of wish fulfilment, stripped bare and hung out to dry in a world of concrete reality.

Thurs 6 – Sat 8 May. 8:00pm £5 / £4

Friday07/05

Saturday08/05

Sunday09/05

CinemaWeek

Mad4it @ Barfly Indie classics, baggy beats, party tunes, legendary sounds. With the Vines album playback and giveaway!!!

10.30pm-2am £3.

Full Fat @ Moloko Full flavoured party, funk, hip-hop, breakbeats, motown, retro disco, and electro boogie. Is there anything they don’t play? Free before 11pm.

Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am.

Fridays @ Bar Ice Funky house and good grooves. 8pm-2am.

Free.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10.00pm £3.

Feva @ Owain Glyndwr Sexy R n B, classic soul.

8pm – 2am. £2. Every Friday and Saturday.

BBC National Orchestra and Chorus of Wales @ St. David’s Hall Elemental Choral Power STRAVINSKY: Scherzo à la russe, BARBER: (First) Essay for Orchestra, JOHN ADAMS: Harmonium, GUTO PUW: Reservoirs (World Premiere), STRAVINSKY: Suite from The Firebird A heady mixture of energy and tranquillity in John Adams’ Harmonium combines with the exotic, barbaric splendour of Stravinsky’s Firebird, the rich romanticism of Samuel Barber and a new work by Guto Puw in a thrilling concert. £6 (NUS) Live @ Barfly The Cribs The Cribs are three brothers from Wakefield, and have been taking the whole music thing seriously for about 18 months. Youngest brother Ross plays drums, middle brother Ryan plays guitar and sings and older brother Gary plays bass and also sings. Enough pointless info from me... £6 adv, doors 7.30pm

Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco. 10:30pm-2am £3 (NUS) The Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) Alternative hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk and punk with Osymyso. Doors: 11.30pm £3 (NUS).

Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm.

Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro. 9pm-3am.

Saturdays R Sexy @ Owain Glyndwr More R’n’B than you can shake a stick at. With Vibe 101’s DJ Raheem on the turntables. Strict dress code applies on both nights: no hoods, caps, trainers, gents must wear a collar. They say: ‘This is a new venue so make an effort !’

8-2am. Free b4 8.30pm, £1 b4 9pm, £2 b4 10pm, £3 b4 11pm, £4 after. Got that?

The Mothership Convention @ The Toucan The Residents return, ‘QUATTRO’ the clubs’ very own 7 piece funk ensemble. Featuring the talents of Diva Dionne and MC Funki Dregz. Lions on the decks and Krissy downstairs in the lounge.

The weekend alternative @ The Engine Rooms every two weeks!

Retro, cheese, indie, funk, britpop, disco, rock, dance, electro and MORE...!

9 PM till 2 AM. 80p a double + mixer! (does this remind you of anywhere else…?) £3.50 with NUS Shuttle Buses will be running after the club, Shuttling into the city centre at £1.00 per person. (OK I can forgive them for the stolen doubles price- this is a fantastic idea!)

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Damo Suzuki + Manchuko . Crosbi 8.00pm £5 Live @ Barfly Earth The Californian Love Dream + The Experiment £5 adv, doors 7.30pm

Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm

The above can be sent to: Showcase 2004 c/o Becky Wedlake, Cardiff Barfly, Kingsway, Cardiff, CF10 3FD. Don't forget to mark the packs Showcase 2004 otherwise you will not be entered!

Also chances for DJs to fill in between sets. It’s unpaid but youll get your name banded about!

Get in touch with Barfly.

Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7.30. £3 per team. This quiz has a new name but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is. You’ll have to make do with ‘Who wants to be a clever Dick’ until hell freezes over and someone bothers to send me an email to correct my distressing error.

Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris. £3 Taboo@ Moloko World music till midnight.

Free entry.

Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry.

Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3.

Joe Longthorne @ St. David’s Hall Since his show business beginnings in the 1980s, Joe Longthorne has become a household name. (Strange. I’ve never heard of him.

Is that because this press release is streatching the truth or am I a cultural retard?) Star of his own television series The Joe Longthorne Show, Joe has enjoyed success in the UK and in America and Australia. The consummate entertainer, Joe brings his unique voice and talents to the Hall. £15.00 & £16.50 (£1 off with NUS) Live @ Barfly Blood Brothers £7 adv, 14+ show, doors 7pm

Chapter Arts Centre

Cold Mountain Mon+Tues: 18:15, Weds: 14:30, 18:15. Infernal Affairs Two HK cops – one a mole in deep cover within a criminal organisation, the other a double-agent in the pay of triad bosses – find their destinies inextricably intertwined, in this slick, complex thriller, a cerebral take on the classic HK action flick. Mon: 21:00, Tues: 14:30, 21:00, Weds: 21:00, Thurs 18:15. The Passion of the Christ Fri+Sat: 18:15, 20:40, Sun: 20:00.

Looney Tunes: Back in Action The perfect antidote to the Passion! Sat: 15:00. Hard Boiled A hot-shot policeman pursues a consortium of gunrunners through a stark urban landscape. Woo’s last film before his Hollywood debut Hard Target boasts a phenomenal body-count, and a unique end credit stating that "no babies were hurt during the making of this film" Sun: 17:00. Chapter MovieMaker Premieres presents A presentation of short film by independent film-makers for independent film-makers. Come to Cinema Two for screening and an informal discussion. Admission is free and all are welcome. Mon: 18:30 The Last Kiss (L’Ultimo Bacio) A brisk romantic tale about falling in and out of love. Winner of the Audience Award at the Sundance Festival and a huge hit in Italy. Mon: 20:30, Tues: 18:30, 20:30, Weds: 18:30, Thurs:14:30, 18:30, 20:30Ginger and Cinnamon (Dillo con parole mie) Light comedy, fizzing with female sexuality and little political correctness. Ginger and Cinnamon is the story of Meggy, a 14-year-old girl who wants to escape from a boring youth group summer camp and run away with her Aunt to Ios, the Greek island of love. The aim: to lose her virginity. Wed: 20:30 Capturing the Friedmans The Friedmans are a nice, middle-class Long Island family. Their world crumbles when the father is accused, along with the youngest of his three sons, of possessing child pornography and molesting schoolchildren.

Unbelievably, the arrest, trial and its horrifying aftermath are all chronicled in the family’s own home movies, and the result is the documentary of the year – a tangle of different stories and perspectives, confusion and contradictions. What we’re left with is a shattering study of one family’s destruction that will haunt you long after the endcredits roll. Fri, Sat+ Sun: 20:30

Television

May 3 2004

Page 21

uterussticks@courtneycox.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV May 3-10

Unfriendly behaviour

Former writer for Friends sues her colleagues for sexual harassment.

HOT Friends gets frisky It may be finishing, but long may this tale live. An exscript assistant is trying to press charges against male Friends writers, who simulated masturbation, said it was “all about the fucking” and wanted to take Rachel up the arse - as well as implying that Joey’s a serial rapist.

She should try to work here...

SOAPS Sonia shows her growler as she’s about to be a Fowler...

Watch out those with weak stomachs: Eastenders is about to wreak havoc on your poor duodenum again. Sonia and Martin are to wed! So, not content with getting knocked up, nearly committing necrophilia on the blessed Jamie (I said nearly), Sonia decides that she and Martin Fowler, serving the community with apples and pears for - well, some time - are meant to be. Yeauch! Not only does the pending nuptial scream of disaster, but imagine Sonia’s dress! Oh, but I forgot, Sonia is tres chic now.

Anyway, expect yukky scenes of tonguing, anilingus and coprophilia.

Well, not really, but you can imagine, can’t you... Oh well, I bet Pauline’s pleased. I reckon she’s ben longing to get rid of that Lego haircut for ages... Love TV Holly xxx

Good god, ‘tis a happy night when I get to the front page first, Well, I hope you have all come back from your Easter vacs full of Cadbury’s and Holy Spirit, and if not, that you have at least had a bottle of Advocaat to get your egg quota in.

The world of TV was rocked this week as former Friends writers assistant Amaani Lyle filed a lawsuit against her writing colleagues claiming they racially and sexually harassed her whilst she worked for them. With the series gearing up for it’s big finale it’s hardly the publicity the shows creators wanted...

The full list of charges can be found at www.thesmokinggun.com, though to be honest they’re not half as bad as what goes on up here on a Thursday night...

TV Holly’s first pick for this week is Revenge: Getting Even with Your Ex (five, Wednesday, 10pm). Tales of woe, pain and psychopaths, this programme shows exactly what can happen if you give your ‘loved one’ a reason to hate you. This shows my personal revenge tactic favourite: poo pie. Gazza did this to Chris Evan’s mince pies, and now some avenging lady saw fit to do the same to her cheating ex. Some culinary genius there, I say! Anyway, as these documentaries have a penchant for it, a darker side to revenge is shown, but frankly all I read in the listing at that point was blah blah blah. Stick with what you’re good at, five - more poo!

My second pick is on Thursday, and the annointed prog (as in programme, not 70’s keyboard filled rock

band - TV Andy) is I Like to Watch (Channel Four, 11.05pm/S4C 11.30pm, Friday). We all know about dogging - but would you actually want to do it? Chances are you’ll agree that being a voyeur is a great way of getting a kick without getting messy. This programme examines our obsession with voyeruism hopefully providing us voyeurs with ammunition for the cold night ahead on the way. Don’t expect cameos from Kevin Spacey or Stan Collymore though.

TV John has a mild (and I mean we really are talking mild, in that I like one of

his songs and think he’s amazing in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me) love of wonky-nosed Chris Izaak. So to find out that he not only is he back on our screens in a format not just involving soundtracking fancy-ass Jag ads, but it’s also bang in the middle of the serious-fucking-doldrums sitcom zone on Channel Four at 04.15am, the slot previously reserved for our beloved Norm, I screamed like a teenage girl at a McFly concert. This week, Chris looks after his duet partner's sheepdog, Otto, but forgets to feed the beast and for the pet rabbit next door, this is particularly bad news.

Control yourselves children. As you can see, it’s going to be frankly outrageous comedy all the way. Oh, and it’s simply called The Chris Izaak Show. See if he can do any face other than “Huh, I am unimpressed”.

TV Andy is still up here at 4am on the day he has to hand in his thesis - that’s showing his love for you, the humble TV viewing reader. Frankly I’ve gone a bit doolally, but my picks are all top notch.

Firstly Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares was fantastic last week and I’m sure will be again this (Tuesday, Ch4, 9pm). Then on Friday S4C has Fairy Godfathers to show us men how to behave properly (9.30pm). Finally Sunday sees the arrival of Kingdom Hospital on our screens from the US (BBC 2 10pm).

The Stephen King remake of Lars Von Trier’s The Kingdom, it’s a glorious mix of Twin Peaks, ER and Silent Hill. Be afraid, be very afraid...

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY Cruise to amuse

Two-Faced Cunt

It’s Tom Cruise all the way on digital this week - yay, I hear you scream in ecstasy! I know, I know, how lucky are we? On Monday, we are blessed with a tale of love, racing and Cruise patented ‘go mental in the middle, have an epiphany at the end’ method of acting. Yes that’s right, Days of Thunder (BBC3, 7pm) is here to make you remember how much you wanted to be a rally driver. Look at the chemistry between young Tom and nubile Nicole! Look at the perfectly-done arrogance which Cruise, quite amazingly, seems to posses, not just act!

And if this isn’t enough, then brace yourselves... It’s Top Gun (Wednesday, 9pm)!

BBC3 really are spoiling us.

Note again the mental then revelation style of actng perfected here, in the gayest of ‘macho’ films ever... I mean, just put a few more ‘scenes’ in the middle, and it is a porn film...

Behold! The worst film that TV John has ever, repeat EVER seen is thrust in our direction this weel. You can picture the scene: you go to the cinema with your housemates, but you can’t decide what to see. Arguments ensue. You risk fist fights, sulking and you secretly think you have the power to make them see American Splendour. But who are you kidding? You all end up seeing the worst film there. “Hey it’s a low-brow comedy, it can’t be that bad - it could be like Van Wilder”. Oh boy how wrong can people be. Cutting to the chase, the film is Stuck On You, it’s a side-splitting (hahahaha) comedy about Siamese twins. It’s also mysteriously long, and literally is such a excruciating effort not to die with the sheer excruciating shiteness of it all, it’s a wonder people can even walk afterwards without withering. On the same level of fun as slicing your cheeks off and diving in vinegar.

NOT

Big Ron Old news it may be, but we’re still stunned by the stupidity of Ron Atkinson to describe Marcel Desailly as a fucking lazy stupid n****r. Whilst you daft commentary may be missed Ron, your bigotry won’t. Nor your jewellery either...

SPORT As the football season staggers to a close there’s plenty of interest for people like me who are praying for their teams survival.

Outside of the premiership Newcastle try and finish the job against Marseille and the lazy, stupid Chelsea players have to claw it back against Monaco.

FILMS Top hole Ealing comedy The Lavender Hill Mob is on C4 at 1.20pm on Tuesday. The dastardly tale of a bank clerk who tries to mastermind the robbery of £1 million of gold bullion it’s a British classic in every sense and even won Oscars in a time when British films were actually pretty good.

JOIN US! If you are pithy, well-TVed and can cope with rampaging PCs, then...

We at GR love you so much that we won’t let you go without your favourite segment of the paper, even when we’ve graduated.

But, there’s a catch... You’ll have to come and do it for us!

We really need some more people to come and be witty where we once were. Come soon enough, and you’ll even get to meet us! And we will train you on the subtle art of being part of TV Desk.

If you think that you are up to this task of many privileges - you even get pizza - then send an email to the following address: gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk We hope to see you soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (NB use of the word ‘cunt’ is compulsory).

Monday

Today in your Union

Page 22

May 03-09 2004

iwroteyournameinmyshit@wolf.co.uk

FUN FACTORY Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night (NUS)

SUMMER BALL LINE-UP Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

After an absence of four years, the Summer Ball returns to Cooper’s Field, reaffirming its status as the biggest university ball in the country.

Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night

Film: Battle of the Bulge ITV1 12.25pm

Blood of the Vikings BBC1 1.20am

FILM: Home Alone Ch4 6.05pm

Body Stories:Teen Dreams Ch4 4.45am

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Animal Park 10.00 FILM: Whispers: An Elephant's Tale ** 11.10 Bargain Hunt 11.55 Judgemental 12.25 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 12.45 Match of the Day Live: Women's FA Cup Final: Arsenal v Charlton Excuse me while I phone up Frank Skinner for a hilarious, topical sexist “gag” a moment, will you?

15.00 Through the Keyhole 15.30 FILM: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ** 17.50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 18.30 Station Jim A touching family drama following the exploits of Station Jim, a stray dog who is adopted as the mascot of Whatmidwell station. I can think of many other touching family dramas I’d rather be watching.

20.00 EastEnders Dennis vs Zoe in tonsil-bothering issues. Boring.

20.30 FILM: Pearl Harbor ** “Academy brown-nosing harbour” more like.

22.40 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 23.00 FILM: Pearl Harbor ** 23.40 FILM: Love at First Bite Pointless sounding vampire parody in the style of Carry On. Not very interesting *** 01.20 Sign Zone: Blood of the Vikings I used to love the fact that the Vikings used to sculpt the ends of their longboats so that they looked like dragons and other mythical beasts, so that the people on the beaches and oceans that they were approaching would be scared. A priceless battleplan, I feel, in the annals of history. Also, horned helmets, presumably in case someone fell on their head. 02.10 Sign Zone: Danger on the Beach

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 UBOS 06.45 Dennis the Menace 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 SMart 07.55 Newsround 08.00 Arthur 08.25 Mona the Vampire 08.50 Looney Tunes 09.00 The Basil Brush Show 09.30 Rugrats 09.45 Home Farm Twins 10.00 CBeebies: Bob the Builder 10.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 11.00 FILM: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes *** 12.20 FILM: In Harm's Way ** 15.00 World Snooker Championship 18.15 FILM: Rio Conchos ** 20.00 World Snooker Championship 22.30 Life Beyond the Box The rags to riches story of TV Desk. And how, no doubt, we’re going to be going back to living in boxes when we fail to get jobs.

23.20 Porridge 23.50 Days That Shook the World: The Coronation 00.20 Days That Shook the World 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Talk Greek 1-6 Around this time two years ago, I witnessed two of these Learning Zone style programs. One was a Danish version of Finders Keepers where this Danish (or was it Dutch?) child had a Kula Shaker poster on their wall. The other was German, and was a Geordie Racer style mini-series about some moronic youths building a boat, and that was pretty it.

03.00 How to Learn a Language 04.00 Chronicle: Macedonia - a Civilisation Uncovered BBC2’s attempt to rival Sky One’s Ibiza Uncovered.

05.00 In Search of the Trojan War I’d forgotten just how dire TV is on a bank holiday. Like Sundays, only a hundred times worse. However, I by The Magnetic Fields is out today so life’s not so bad.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 09.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 10.05 FILM: The Looney, Looney, Looney Bugs Bunny Movie ** 11.30 Building the Dream 12.00 ITV News; Weather 12.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.20 FILM: Battle of the Bulge *** 15.00 Building the Dream 15.30 FILM: A View to a Kill *** 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather ITV News; Weather 18.30 Abbamania With Steps, Madness, Culture Club, Westlife, Martine McCutcheon and Stephen Gately. Let’s see how obvious out-of-date this program is, shall we?

Hilariously dated: Only one of those acts is currently releasing music.

19.30 Emmerdale Zoe is disappointed to learn that Scott has reverted to type. He should try using this computer then. Then she’d be really disappointed.

20.00 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 20.30 Coronation Street 21.30 FILM: Mission: Impossible II ** 23.10 ITV News 23.25 FILM: Mission: Impossible II ** “Misssion Impossible franchise gets the John Woo treatment with ace motorbike chase and implausably plotlines” - TV Andy. “Fred Durst Smells” - TV John.

00.10 The Premiership on Monday 01.15 Champions League Weekly 01.45 Football League Extra 02.25 Building the Dream 02.50 Today with Des and Mel 03.40 Grounded for Life Worst sitcom ever.

04.00 Entertainment Now! 04.30 The Entertainers

06.00 The Hoobs 06.25 The Hoobs 06.50 The Fit Farm 07.20 Friends 07.50 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.20 Cheers 08.45 The Fit Farm 09.15 FILM: Walking Thunder ** 11.00 Frasier 11.25 Frasier 11.50 Futurama 12.15 Insektors 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 13.15 A Place in the Sun 14.15 Up Your Street 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Cawl Potsh 16.25 Planed Plant: Hip Neu Sgip?

17.00 FILM: Carry on Regardless ** 18.40 Gad Dy Hen Bechode 19.00 Wedi 7 News 19.15 Newyddion News.

19.45 Pobol y Cwm 20.00 Ffermio 20.25 Crwydro 20.55 Sgorio 21.25 22.30 Risking It All 23.30 Without a Trace 00.30 Will and Grace 00.55 Kill Bill Vol 2: The Bride is Back 01.25 Monster Garage Eric Hall meets the More Fire Crew. On an unrelated note, I thought the idea of Blazin’ Squad doing the England song for Euro’ 2004 was hideous. And then I heard that XFM was organising The Libertines, the drummer from Supergrass, and some other busking bullshit to sing a song (this is the crucial part) written by a listener as a rival entry, For the first time in my life, I want to embrace that scrubby-assed tenpiece. On a related note this time, my friends dad saw Blazin’ Squad in a pub in Winchester, and apparently their manager is racist., 02.25 FILM: Hard Boiled With Chow Yun-Fat, who I still think sounds like a dog food diet. Incidentally, what is this, national John Woo day?

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The World's First Predators Dinosaurs are officially boring.

12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 FILM: Sherlock Holmes Returns ** 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the Fatal Fashion ** A shifty pin-stripe suited man skulks around the streets of Anywere, USA placing razor blades in shell suit pockets and rigging atomic bombs to baseball caps.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Road Rages: Cabbies and Baddies 20.00 Building the Ultimate 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 D-Day: The Ultimate Conflict 23.05 FILM: Gallipoli **** War film with Mel Gibson.

01.05 US PGA Golf: HP Classic of New Orleans Sponsored by the popular brand of “fruity” sauce, possibly. Speaking of fruity sauce, I heard a good story about Blazin’ Squad the other day... 01.55 NASCAR Busch Series: PitShop.com 300 If you can translate this program title into something meaningful, then you’re a better man than I. 02.45 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix: Round 16, Salt Lake City 04.15 Argentinian Football Highlights: Highlights from Round 11 of the Torneo Clausura I am wearing almost entirely green today.

19.00 FILM: Days of Thunder ** 20.45 EastEnders Greatest Hits No. 34 - Dennis wallops Sharon in the Vic. 21.00 Outrageous Fortunes: Guinness 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 EastEnders Revealed The story of Shane Ritchie, whose very much UN-talkedabout soap debut in Night and Day was significantly better than his role as Alfie Moon. Because it was stupid. Other untrumpeted humourless comedians appearing in soaps include Bradley Walsh also in Night and Day, Les Dennis in, obviously, Brookside, and the lesser known loophole in casting sensibilities which saw Gareth Hale playing a builder in Family Affairs. Wow, Hale and Pace, they were ribtickling.

23.00 Swiss Toni 23.30 Monkey Dust 00.00 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 00.30 3 Non-Blondes 01.00 Outrageous Fortunes Uncut moments from TV’s craziest game show, Family Fortunes. 01.55 Swiss Toni 02.25 Monkey Dust 02.55 3 Non-Blondes 03.25 Conflicts

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.00 Coronation Street 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.45 Movies Now 17.00 Coronation Street 17.30 Coronation Street 18.00 Emmerdale Zoe is shocked when she makes a drunken pass at someone.

Yeah, like she regrets it, tart.

18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Champions League Weekly 19.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.00 Airline A 007-themed hen night runs into trouble when three of the girls miss their flights. Excuse me a second:hahahahahahahahaha!

20.30 Traffic Jams from Hell 21.30 Love Cheats from Hell 22.35 Taxi Nights 23.05 Coronation Street 00.05 The Frank Skinner Show 00.40 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 01.05 Jerry Springer 01.50 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 14.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 15.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 22.00 Uncut! Sex on the Job The cast of the Ryan Adams asslicking magazine getting raunchy.

23.00 Million Pound Hoax 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Behaving Badly 01.50 Mutant X 02.40 Mutant X 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Vampire High 04.45 Vampire High 05.10 The Nanny 05.35 The Nanny Presumably nothing to do with the Hulk Hogan vehicle, Mr Nanny, but on the off chance, set those alarms early.

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Friends 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 What Sadie Did Next 22.30 The OC 23.30 Bo Selecta! My experiment to prove that only absolute puke-faced fuck-heads watch this drivel has so far not been anything other than an absolute success.

00.00 Kill Bill Vol 2: The Bride is Back “The hype-gobbling drooling masses slobbering over Tarantino’s feet are back” more like. 00.30 Sex Rules 01.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.50 The OC 02.35 What Sadie Did Next “Hey, tell you what guys, ‘Sadie’ sounds a bit like ‘Katie’, we’ve got a good idea for a program here”. 03.05 Sex Rules

07.20 Friends 08.20 Cheers 08.45 The Fit Farm 09.15 Smash Hits Chart 10.35 Friends 11.05 Friends 11.35 Britney Spears Live from Miami 13.25 FILM: One Million Years BC *** 15.15 Countdown 16.05 London: The Greatest City 18.05 FILM: Home Alone *** 19.55 Channel 4 News 20.00 Salvage Squad 21.00 Time Team Special: The Ten Million Pound House 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 FILM: The Fog *** 00.40 FILM: Maximum Overdrive Most ridiculous film I’ve ever seen: Stephen King directs technology based horror in which an asteroid causes machinery to kill people (but of course!). Trucks drive themselves into gas pumps, killer fruit machines, the usual. * 02.30 My Wrongs #8245-8249 and 117 02.45 FILM: A Boy and His Dog *** 04.20 First Person: Smiling in a Jar 04.45 Body Story: Teen Dreams 05.45 Totally Spies! 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Sarah & the Whammi.

4.30 Star Maths. 4.40 Making It.

Tuesday

May 3-9 2004

Page 23

littlebookofcalm@mythroat.com

Love Field five 3.35pm

Family Affairs five 6.30pm

TV’s Naughtiest Blunders ITV1 9.45pm

The Simpsons

COMEDY CLUB Wine £6 Bottle

Sky One 7.30pm

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 UBOS 06.45 Dennis the Menace 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Boo! 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 BBC Primary Geography 10.40 BBC Primary Geography 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Delia's How to Cook, Part 2 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Garden Invaders 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Escape to the Country Where’s The Simpsons you fuckers?

19.00 TOTP 2 With Sparks, Ultravox, XTC, Chad Jackson, The Cure and Joshua Kadison. Chad Jackson?! Let’s hope it’s the awesome 900 Number sampling Hear The Drummer Get Wicked.

19.30 Time Flyers: Scotland's Exodus 20.00 How to Get a New Life Start giving a millionaire blow jobs.

21.00 Diarmuid's Big Adventure 22.00 That Was the Week We Watched Series using the TV listings of a single week to capture the essence of an era.

Narrated by the God-like Simon Pegg.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 So What Do You Do All Day?: Captain Adrian Nance 23.50 FILM: Insignificance *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soap Awards Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Everything Must Go! 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 15.20 Boohbah 15.40 Tutenstein 16.05 The Quick Trick Show 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Ethan leaves Shadrach with a nasty taste in his mouth. That’s worth a FNAAARRRR if ever there was.

19.30 Champions League Live: Deportivo La Coruna v Porto Highlights of the Ron Atkinson v Marcel Desailly fight follow.

21.45 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 17 Featuring the aforementioned pundit’s racist outburst in all likelihood.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 17 23.35 FILM: GI Jane Yet another terrible Demi Moore film.

Avoid at all costs. * 01.40 Champions League: Deportivo La Coruna v Porto 03.15 Football League Extra 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News The distressing truth is that it’s nearly 9pm and I’m only a quarter of the way through my first page of three this week. Plus I’ve got the slowest computer in the history of the universe and I’m busting for the loo. Still the prescence of Phoenix of my stereo improves matters considerably. Perfect angst removal.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 FILM: The Way Ahead *** 11.35 Frasier 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Triongl 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Y Brodyr Coala 13.15 The City Gardener 13.45 My Place in the Sun 14.15 Up Your Street 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: FTPD 16.30 Planed Plant: 13.30 Munud o Enwogrwydd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm What does Cassie offer Teg? A roaring fist and a sprinkling of insanity peppers.

20.25 Taro 9 21.00 O Flaen Dy Lygaid 22.00 Emyn Roc a Rol 22.45 Sex, Secrets and Frankie Howerd 23.45 30 Minutes 00.15 NYPD Blue 01.10 The Bodyguards 02.10 Russia: Land of the Tsars Also the land of mafia run brothel, the pretend begging cripple and more bootlegs than you can shake a stick at.

03.55 Pirelli British Rally Championship 2004 I’ve just stuck Alex’s illegal copy of the new Streets album on and it’s a strange beast. TV desk wholeheartedly agree the second track sounds just like That’s the Way It Is by Bruce Hornsby and the Range, as used in 2Pac’s Changes. So it’s straight to Fit But You Know It because it’s just the best thing ever. Yes Yes O Yay.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: Short Walk to Daylight ** 15.35 FILM: Love Field *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Will Irene give up the pills for good? Well they’re not as potent as they used to be anyway AND it’s not ‘97 anymore so it’s probably for the best.

18.30 Family Affairs Lucy catches Eileen becoming intimate with Caleb.

Thankfully she stops her before she covers herself in whipped cream and cherries.

19.00 five news 19.30 Daring Raids of World War II: Stopping Hitler's A-Bomb 20.00 Killer Tornado 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent The detectives investigate the death of the girlfriend of a high-profile judge. I didn’t know Judge Judy was a dyke.

22.55 Arrest and Trial: Dirty Cop 23.25 Murder Detectives: Copycat Murder 23.55 Angel 00.45 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Damien Fuller v Edellmiro Martinez 01.30 NHL Ice Hockey: Play-Offs - Round Three 04.30 Dutch Football: NEC v Ajax

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 From Bard to Verse 19.30 Vic and Bob's Top of the Pops 2 20.00 EastEnders Revealed This edition focuses on hapless hearthrob Spencer Moon, played

by Christopher Parker.

Hearthrob? That little tosser’s only mildly better looking than Frankenstein himself Martin Fowler. Grippers!

20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust Not as funny as it thinks it is.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 EastEnders Revealed 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 The Job Comedy drama series about a jaded, cynical New York cop. When the actress and model Elizabeth Hurley claims she is being harassed, McNeil is sent to investigate.

Sounds appalling.

23.50 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 00.20 Little Britain 00.50 Monkey Dust 01.20 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.50 Little Angels

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.45 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 19.30 Emmerdale Secrets: Weddings 20.30 It's Good to Be... Britney Spears Certainly if you enjoy simulating sex with dancers on stage and getting paid shitloads for it.

21.00 Trouble in Paradise 22.00 House of Horrors 22.30 Bad Girls With Bev still on the hospital wing after her overdose, Frances is determined to crack down on the drug dealers. Pharmacists beware...

23.30 Club Reps Exclusive: Aftersun 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.10 Late Show with David Letterman 02.00 Teleshopping 03.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Frozen Impact * 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons Homer's banned from driving and Marge loses her marbles. With the guest voices of Steve Buscemi, Jane Kaczmarek and Jackson Browne. Buscemi is God. It’s official and I’ll cap anyone who thinks otherwise.

20.00 Tru Calling 21.00 Angel 22.00 Las Vegas Pit boss Nessa is suspected of involvement in a cheating ring. Expect head in vice scenes.

23.00 Scrubs 23.30 Shock Video 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Behaving Badly 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Vampire High 05.10 The Nanny

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek Pacey uncovers an unsettling truth about Andie. She actually uses Polyfilla rather than L’Oreal.

20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights Brian is convinced that he knows who burned down his club, and persuades the producers of ‘Crimetime' to stage a reconstruction. Awesome plugging scenes.

22.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind Derren puts hard man Martin Kemp under his influence fuelling those “confirmed bachelor” rumours.

22.35 Experimental 23.05 Infamous Fives 23.35 Ali G in Da USAiii 00.10 Kill Bill Vol 2: The Bride is Back 00.40 Hollyoaks 01.05 Hollyoaks 01.35 Friends

As S4C except: 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers Sam and Diane agree to a 24-hour separation to rid themselves of any hedonistic urges and distractions prior to their wedding. 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Will and Grace 09.55 ER 10.45 Third Watch 11.40 In Your Face: Painting the Family with John Wonnacott 11.55 Squeaky Clean 12.30 Frasier 12.55 Frasier 13.20 FILM: The Lavender Hill Mob With Alec Guinness and Stanley Holloway. An unassuming bank worker masterminds a daring plan to steal one million pounds in gold and melt it down into replica Eiffel Towers.Classic British comedy. ***** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.00 Hollyoaks 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Tales from Home: Lena's Story the UK. 20.00 Selling Houses 20.30 The City Gardener 21.00 Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares 22.00 No Angels 23.05 `Whatever' - A Teenage Musical 00.05 Shariah TV 01.10 Islam Unveiled

SUMMER BALL LINE-UP Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

SOLUS THE WILDHEARTS £13 adv. 7:00pm Plus Therapy and The Glitterati Fresh from supproting The Darkness on their US Tour, The Wildhearts hit Solus with their music that influenced almost all of today's British heavy rock bands.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 50/50 16.35 CBBC: Test Your Pet 17.00 Really Wild Show Eils goes moon-walking on Jersey's shore and Steve shares special moments with Australian bower birds. How on earth can you moonwalk on the Earth? Unless you’re Jacko of course. And just what are those “special” moments about? Bestiality at this hour? Filth!

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Michelle refuses to believe that she and Connor are able to just be friends after spend four days of rampant shagging.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders As the net starts to close in Janine realises she could be in serious trouble. Obviously the poachers want a new wildebeast for London Zoo then.

20.00 Holby City 21.00 Cutting It Adored by the Chav-press but I loathe this show.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Belonging 22.40 The Exchange 23.20 ONE Life: The Battle For Dylan Gunn 00.00 FILM: Foul Play **

Wednesday

Today in your Union

Page 24

May 3-9 2004

growth@flange.co.uk

RUBBER DUCK Solus 10pm – 2am £3 £1.50 on Carling, Worthy, Bow, Castle, VS, Vodka Red Bull Catch the last Rubber Duck before the exams begin.

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50

Top Gun BBC3 9pm

The Ferret ITV1 11pm

Sex Tips for Girls

S4C 9.30am

Channel 4 1.35pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 The Mummy 16.35 CBBC: Test Your Pet 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Karl suggests a possible reason for Scott's erratic behaviour. His balls are sprouting, perhaps? Izzy and Gus grow closer. Let’s hope he’s washed his hair. He looks really smelly.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Danger on the Beach Completely evil series, where, as far as I can tell, we are shown terrible accidents for the purposes of our amusement.

19.30 DIY SOS 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws Does anyone do the midweek lottery? Camelot are such greedy bastards.

20.00 Destination D Day: The Raw Recruits Another ‘our generation were better, fitter and more conscientious than yours’ pious load of twaddle.

21.00 The Protectors 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Belonging 23.05 Royal Millions 00.05 FILM: Intimate Relations *** 01.50 Sign Zone: See Hear 02.20 Sign Zone: Brassed Off Britain

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 UBOS 06.45 Dennis the Menace 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Really Wild Show 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Boo! 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Wildlife on Two 11.00 Time Flyers 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Lifeline 13.10 Big Screen Britain 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: The Racket *** 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Escape to the Country 19.00 TOTP 2 Songs from 10cc, Depeche Mode, Alanis Morrissette, Jason Donovan, Pulp, Double Trouble & The Rebel MC, and Tavares. Jason Donovan?

19.30 The Good Life 20.00 New Servants Series about the boom in domestic service. Hmm, this smells familiar, like a well-worn flange. The fact that it was on on ITV last week, perhaps?

20.50 What the Romans Did for Us: Inventions 21.00 In Search of Genius Cooee! I’m here!

22.00 Room 101 Comedian Sean Lock's suggestions include Jeremy Clarkson. Right he is.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 In Search of Genius Actually, this programme is about cultivating super-sperm. Hopefully not after he’s eaten vindaloo though.

00.20 FILM: Saltwater Not about the thrills of post-coital sweating. **** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Expressive Arts - Marsalis on Music 04.00 GCSE Bitesize

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soap Awards Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Everything Must Go! 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Tutenstein 16.05 The Yuk Show 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Shadrach makes a grave misjudgement and comes a cropper. Presumably after swallowing.

19.30 Coronation Street Fiz and Rita battle to bring Les back to his senses, but is it already too late?

Yes - he’s realised hw won’t settle for anyone but Liz Callard.

20.00 The Bill 21.00 Bad Girls Featuring Meera Syal. Run! 22.00 Shane Myrtle is on a health kick and is feeding the family salad - to Shane's disgust. Shane has been fantasising about Sheila. Velma has a new boyfriend. Moved on from the Lou/Harold love triangle then have you? I haven’t watched this, ad I never intend to, even if it means watching mould grow in my kitchen.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Ferret 23.30 Club Reps 00.00 Redcoats 00.30 CD:UK Hotshots 00.55 The Joy of Decks 01.20 Undeclared 01.40 Take the Mike 02.10 Trisha 03.05 World Sport 03.30 Mixmasters 03.55 Get Stuffed!

04.00 ITV Nightscreen

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 FILM: Two Rode Together *** 11.30 Frasier 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Caffi Sali Mali 13.00 My Place in the Sun 13.30 Channel 4 Racing from Chester 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Nic a Peri 16.15 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.30 Planed Plant: Mali O 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 News magazine programme packed with stories about the people of Wales. Exciting!

19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Is Emyr going to change his mind about standing in court against Cai? Possibly after Hollyoaks, male rape cases in soaps have become rather mundane.

20.25 Dudley 21.00 04 Wal 21.30 10 Years Younger Don’t tell me I’m starting to look my age? Ten years younger and I’d be illegal!

22.00 Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares Yay! Swearing, food and thicker than a bean-fed pig’s shit characters, this is worth a look.

23.00 ER 00.00 Frasier 00.30 FILM: The Last Supper Not a prelude to Mel Gibson, but a ‘dark comedy’ with Cameron Diaz. *** 02.10 Shariah TV 03.05 FILM: The Tamarind Seed Julie Andrews and Omar Sharif fight over the last spice rack morsel.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: Manhattan Manhunt ** 15.35 FILM: Kojak: It's Always Something ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away What is Kane's secret? Jane speaks for the first time.

Unfortunately, only being able to speak in tongues proves useless.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 FILM: Doc Hollywood Yes! How I love this film.

Not quite Teen Wolf, but you can’t better perfection I suppose. *** 22.00 Revenge: Getting Even with Your Ex A dog-breeder put the contents of her pet's stomach in her ex's pie, while one woman plastered 'Wanted for Adultery' posters around her exhusband's new home with his face on the front. But one man took further, darker steps by hiring a hitman to deal with his exgirlfriend. Haha. ‘Catch him in bed, rip off his head’, as they say.

23.05 World's Nastiest Neighbours 00.00 NHL Ice Hockey: Play-Offs - Round Three 03.30 Boxing Classic: Chris Eubank v Ray Close 04.20 UEFA Cup Football: Levski Sofia v Liverpool

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 From Bard to Verse 19.30 Vic and Bob's Top of the Pops 2 20.00 Who Rules the Roost 21.00 FILM: Top Gun Actionpacked, gay inferrenced tale of an airforce cadet's quest to become top gun (fnarr) at San Diego's US Navy Fighter Weapons School. Along the way, he loses his best friend and falls in love with his aeronautics instructor. The film's highlights include some breathtaking and highly realistic dogfight (what?) sequences. Yeah. *** 22.45 Trauma on Three A toddler has a boiled sweet stuck up her nose. Stupid bitch.

23.15 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions But he always moans about his money.

00.10 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 00.40 Who Rules the Roost 01.40 Trauma on Three 02.10 Dreamspaces 02.40 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions 03.35 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 04.05 From Bard to Verse

09.25 Coronation Street 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.45 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Ask a Silly Question How do straight men find the right hole?

20.00 Learner Drivers 20.30 Learner Drivers 21.00 Who Killed Suzy Lamplugh?

22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 Love Chain 23.00 Love Chain 23.30 The Frank Skinner Show I really hate Frank Skinner - he’s unfunny, quite pretentious and laughably ‘deep’. News that Fantasy Football is returning is not music to my ears. 00.10 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.45 Jerry Springer 01.25 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 03.40 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Killer Flood * 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Tarzan Tarzan is brought from Africa to New York by his billionaire uncle, who is determined to civilise him. In an hour, apparantly.

21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 21.30 Hollywood Paparazzi 22.00 FILM: The Babysitter Bollocks film with Alicia Silversotne, who was once the the toast of Hollywood, and is now apparantly its crumbs. Well, have you heard of her recently? ** 23.40 Star Trek: Voyager 00.40 Behaving Badly 01.40 Yanky Panky 02.40 The X Files 03.30 Dark Angel 04.20 Early Edition 05.10 The Nanny 05.35 The Nanny

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Faking It USA A Yank pretends to have intellect. He fails. However, his confession that he shags his cow is met by audible gasps.

22.00 Wife Swap More shitters get to sound off about their scummy lives while the nation cries into their Ikea eiderdowns.

23.05 Teachers Clare assigns each staff member a stress partner - which seems to suit Matt and Lindsay very well, to Penny's chagrin. Wah, James Lance! Come to my delta of venus, oh suede-cocked god...

And clean yourself up afterwards.

00.10 Teachers 01.10 Hollyoaks 01.40 Trigger Happy USA 02.05 Faking It USA

As S4C, except: 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Will and Grace 09.55 ER 10.50 Third Watch 11.40 In Your Face: Police Portraits by Alan Parker 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 Frasier 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks Ellie is thrilled to get a job at the juice bar, but will Richard want her to stay? A juice bar? In Chester? Hmm. 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather.

19.55 Tales from Home: Joe's Story 20.00 How Clean Is Your House? 20.30 10 Years Younger 21.00 Risking It All 22.00 ER 23.05 Frasier 23.35 Sex and the City Charlotte dates a man who wants a threesome. 00.05 Sex and the City 00.35 Perfect Match New York 01.35 More Sex Tips for Girls Buy some love eggs. 02.00 Some of My Best Friends 02.25 Some of My Best Friends 02.50 Brazilian Football Championship: Corinthians v Palmeiras 04.35 Vee-TV 05.00 Countdown

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Two Rode Together

Thursday

Page 25

May 3-9 2004

wewillwin!@TVbestsection.com

Pingu BBC2 8.40am

Shaggy in Profile ITV1 3.20am

Infamous Fives

Knight Moves

E4 10.30pm

five 10.05pm

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 UBOS 06.45 Dennis the Menace 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu Yes! Icelandic insanity reigns.

08.45 Boo! Argh! 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Hands Up! 10.45 Pathways of Belief: Islam 11.00 The Way Things Work 11.15 Pathways of Belief: Christianity 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Golf: British Masters Oh good god, this is on for five hours. Five hours? Even Sting doen’t go on that long (as far as I know, anyway).

18.00 Escape to the Country 19.00 TOTP 2 Songs from Wham, Hot Chocolate, Rolling Stones, Wet Wet Wet, Marvin Hamlisch, and Ace of Base. Yes! I love AOB...sort of.

19.30 Counties of Wales: Anglesey 20.00 Cousins A programme all about monkeys, and not your relative Kerry who has six children by eight different men.

20.30 The Flying Gardener Not Alan Titchmarsh on speed, or Monty Don shrooming. But tips on how to grow them.

21.00 Make Me Honest Why, what’s the point in that?

22.00 Yes, Minister 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 3 Non-Blondes A lame goat with verrucas.

23.50 FILM: Love and Other Catastrophes *** 01.10 Days That Shook the World 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize Revision: French 1

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soap Awards Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Everything Must Go! 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Boohbah 15.35 Tutenstein 16.00 Globo Loco 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale News of Robert and Katie's betrayal rocks the village and brings Donna's world tumbling down around her.

19.30 The Great Beers of Wales Could be interesting, but likely not.

20.00 The Bill 21.00 Trouble in Paradise Or, the story of Boyd and Skye. Did you notice that too? Not only pug-faced Serena, but the sucking-a -wasp-who’s-supped-onpiss-faced Summer also said this about the doomed relationship.

What clever scriptwriting, eh?

22.00 The All Star Comedy Show I’m a bit scared of this. I love Vic Reeves and Matt Lucas, but the additions of Linda Robson and Patsy Kensit makes me worry a little...

22.30 ITV News 23.00 A Promised Land Historian 00.05 Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married 00.30 The District 01.10 Grounded for Life 01.35 1992 Forever 02.30 Strictly Soho 02.55 Cybernet 03.20 Shaggy in Profile 03.45 Get Stuffed!

04.00 ITV Nightscreen

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 FILM: Aces High *** 11.35 Frasier 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 13.00 My Place in the Sun 13.30 Channel 4 Racing from Chester 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 16.15 Planed Plant: Traed Moch 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends Chandler gets into trouble with his homemade gift for Monica. Maybe a set of anal beads fashioned from barbed wire...?

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Julie confronts Rhiannon about the text messages she has been sending to Sara. They can’t be as bad as the ones I used to get, e.g. I want to come in your tit valley after playing hde the grape in your swollen wet mound... You know who you are.

20.25 Clwb Garddio 21.00 Tipyn O Stad 21.30 Slaymaker 22.00 Selling Houses Surely this genre is saturated by now?

22.30 No Angels Unbelievable, facile and poorly written.

23.30 Dispatches: Keep Them Out 00.30 Father Ted I had forgotton my love for FT. This is on at a convenient time for S4C, so it’s worth catching. 01.00 Perfect Match New York 02.00 The PJs 02.50 Brazilian FootballChampionship: Corinthians v Palmeiras

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: Ride a Crooked Trail ** 15.50 FILM: Submarine X-1 ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Cameron tells Geri he's ready to get intimate again, now that she’s got boobs and stopped shagging her dog.

19.00 five news 19.15 Tim Marlow on El Greco 19.45 UEFA Cup Football: Olympique Marseille v Newcastle United Kick-off is at 8.00. Uh oh. No sexual shenanigans for me until after ten then.

22.05 FILM: Knight Moves Atmospheric thriller in which a world-class chess player is fed clues by a serial killer and tries to help the police decipher them. But the cops come to suspect that they themselves are pawns in a game of double bluff with the self-contained grandmaster, and when the police psychologist who is having an affair with him stumbles on a clue, she too begins to wonder. Looks gash, of course, but no doubt will climax (ha) with a ‘steamy’ sex scene. *** 00.30 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 01.10 UEFA Cup Football: Olympique Marseille v Newcastle United 02.40 Dutch Football: FC Zwolle v Ajax

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 From Bard to Verse 19.30 Vic and Bob's Top of the Pops 2 20.00 Who Rules the Roost Hello, how are you all this fine eve? The office is tonight sultry, and fragranced with the foodstuffs of Italy... Domino’s style.

We are still waiting for new TV victims. Do you want to rant on these pages? Tough - you’ll have to get my fat arse out of this seat first.

21.00 Trauma on Three I don’t care about other people’s hemmoroids. Get this shit off the TV now.

21.30 Conflicts: Israel and the Palestinians 22.00 EastEnders As above. Of course. Because we all know by now about the laziness of BBC3... Ok, sorry, just space-filling.

22.30 Who Rules the Roost 23.30 Lab Rats John and Andy suffer my sexploit stories. Why no one’s volunteered to help with TV next year, I don’t know.

00.00 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 00.30 India's Ladyboys

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Emmerdale 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.45 Judge Judy 18.00 Emmerdale 18.30 Emmerdale Andy goes for Robert and Katie in a jealous rage when he discovers their sordid secret. Look mate, anilingus is not that big a problem.

Join in next time.

19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Dancing in the Street 20.00 Love Chain 20.30 Love Chain 21.00 Caught on Tape The office CCTV gets a rollicking when Tristan and Alex tussle in porridge.

22.00 FILM: Daylight Sly Stallone wrestles in shit, really and metaphorically. Look what I’ve done! *** 00.05 Bad Girls 01.05 Jerry Springer 01.55 Late Show with David Letterman 02.45 Teleshopping 04.15 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Lightning: Bolts of Destruction ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons JK Rowling, Tony Blair and Ian McKellen are on hand to greet the Simpsons when they arrive in London on holiday. Is this any good, I wonder?

Probably, I suppose, despite being endorse by the Dark Lord himself (I’m talking about Tony, not Homer).

19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Jake 2.0 21.00 24 22.00 Cold Case 23.00 The Handler A story of the Friends scriptwriters.

00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Behaving Badly 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 The Nanny 05.35 The Nanny

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Rachel bumps into her old sorority sister and wonders whether to confront her about an incident from their college days. What is this sorority shit? I know loads of septic tanks and still don’t get it.

17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 Infamous Fives Number 78: The Spice Girls.

23.00 Kill Bill Vol 2: The Bride is Back Colin Murray meets the stars of Quentin Tarantino's epic kung-fu saga, Kill Bill: Vol 2, in this exclusive TV special. Oh Colin, fall into my arms and other places...

23.35 Friends 00.00 ER 00.55 Hollyoaks 01.25 Trigger Happy USA 01.50 Infamous Fives

As S4C, except: 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Will and Grace 09.55 ER 11.40 In Your Face: Tim Wonnacott's Family I’d rather not have any of that family in my face, thanks. 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 Frasier 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks Dan is restless as he tries to accept his new life in prison - and accomodate his roommate. Hah! 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Tales from Home: Daran's Story 20.00 Fairy Godfathers Channel Four’s Queer Eye For the Straight Guy - might be amusing. 21.00 Dispatches: Keep Them Out 22.00 Sex on TV Yes please.

Especially with Courteney Cox and her cunt full of twigs. 23.05 I Like to Watch 00.05 NYPD Blue 01.00 Travels of a Gringo 02.00 Rallyzone 02.25 Football: South American Championship 04.10 Trans World Sport More amazing sporting activities from around the world. Hmm. 05.05 Countdown 05.50 Totally Spies!

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 All or Nothing 16.35 CBBC: Test Your Pet 17.00 Short Change 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Scott tries to impress Serena. This is hilarious! get rid of Stonefish and the delightful Tad, realise the mistake you’ve made and bring in another member of the Rebecchi clan, posting it all on stereotypes of large immigrant Aussie families. Genius!

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders Janine pleads her innocence to Natalie. Chrissie's involvement in the club leads to an ultimatum from Sharon. Martin has a special proposal for Sonia. Yeuwh, I really don’t want to know about Marin’s coprophilia.

20.00 Trauma 20.30 Bailiffs Absolute shite, lazy TV, featuring the nicest baliffs in the world. Hmm. 21.00 New Tricks But I’m an old dog!

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Dragon's Eye 23.05 Question Time 00.05 This Week 00.50 FILM: His Bodyguard * 02.20 Sign Zone: Danger on the Beach

THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50

Friday

Today in your Union

Page 26

May 3-9 2004

stopmysharkingforchipsanddrinks@yesyesohyay.co.uk

LASHTASTIC With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

GAMES ROOM

Opening Hours MonFri 8.30am-7pm, Sat 12-4pm Lucozade 380ml only 49p Brecon Carreg 500ML water 2 for 49p Feel Good Spritz drinks only £1.19 Cadbury Dairy milk/ Wholenut/Fruit & Nut King size 2 for 99p Trebor Extra Strong Mints/ Softmints 2 for 50p Nik Naks 2 for 39p Yazoo Milk drinks 2 for 99p

THE TAF

Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1

I Like To Watch S4C 11.30pm

American Idol:The Final Five ITV2 8.30am

The Simpsons

Pub Ammo

Sky One 8pm

five 11.25pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 Astroboy 16.35 CBBC: Test Your Pet 17.00 SMart 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Lou reaches his lowest point when he considers giving Velda one up the arse.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops Guests include Jay Z and Peter Andre. Lets hope the Jigga busts a cap in The Andre’s ass.

20.00 EastEnders The Square toasts Sonia and Martin's good news as the munters decide on a twin suicide pact.

20.30 My Family 21.00 The Lenny Henry Show 21.30 Have I Got News for You With guest presenter William Hague, team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop and guest Stanley Johnson, father of politician Boris. Expect Mekon to get a good ribbing 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With advert whore Ricky Tomlinson.

23.30 BBC Three on BBC One: Liquid Assets: Arnie's Millions 00.30 BBC Three on BBC One: End of Story Update 01.05 FILM: Holiday on the Buses ** 02.25 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 UBOS 06.45 Dennis the Menace 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Short Change 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Boo! 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Science Clips 10.45 Watch 11.00 The Chat Room 11.20 Landmarks 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Wildlife on Two 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 Golf: British Masters 17.55 The Witness: United Nations 18.00 The Simpsons The ups and downs of America's favourite family are chronicled in a `behind-thescenes' special.

18.20 My Wife and Kids 18.45 Scrum V Live: Celtic Warriors v Cardiff Blues 21.00 Gardeners' World 21.30 Peter Ackroyd's London 22.20 What the Romans Did for Us: Food 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland With Norah Jones, the Scissor Sisters, former Talking Heads front man David Byrne, Brixton's Basement Jaxx and soul singer Howrd Tate. Just flick over for the Jaxx then. Lets hope they get some better people in for the rest of the series...

00.35 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 01.05 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Art: a Question of Style 02.30 Women and Allegory: Gender and Sculpture in Two Societies 03.00 Informer, Eduquer, Divertir?

03.30 The Unusual Suspects 04.00 Declining Citizenship

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soap Awards Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Everything Must Go! 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 15.20 Tractor Tom 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Tutenstein 16.05 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 18.55 Crimestoppers 19.00 Emmerdale Andy gets dark and dangerous as he deals with Katie's infidelity. Damn straight. I’m getting the blackest magic I can find and cursing her until she’s a toad.

19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Midsomer Murders 22.30 ITV News 23.00 On the Edge 23.30 Crimefighters UK 00.05 Weapons of Mass Distraction 00.35 Blank Screen 00.40 Win, Lose or Draw Late 01.05 Blank Screen 01.10 Undeclared 01.35 Blank Screen 01.40 Entertainment Now! 02.10 Blank Screen 02.15 FILM: Revenge of the Pink Panther Peter Sellers's final outing as the farcically inept French detective Inspector Clouseau.

This time he is in Hong Kong, and, having supposedly been murdered, the infamous sleuth can track his supposed killer incognito.** 03.50 CD:UK Hotshots 04.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.40 Get Stuffed! 04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 FILM: Passport to Pimlico **** 11.05 Frasier 11.35 Frasier 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.00 A Place in Greece 13.30 Channel 4 Racing from Chester 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 20.00 Pobol y Cwm What are Sheryl's feelings towards Garry?

Hopefully positive, he is the new media officer you know.

20.25 Nia 21.30 Fairy Godfathers Colin Wolfenden and Nick Bagrie help women make over their useless men.

Hmm I might need to watch this to find out what i’m doing wrong like dressing like a tramp.

22.30 Friends 23.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind Derren Brown attempts to manipulate an entire orchestra into playing a certain tune and convinces a film student that he has disappeared from view! That’s probably not difficult - those film students aren’t that bright... *ducks as a canister of film is thrown as his head* 23.30 I Like to Watch Oh yes I do. Particularly lesbians. In jelly.

00.30 Distraction 01.00 Dirty Sanchez 01.30 Experimental 02.00 The Bronx Bunny Show 02.25 King of the Hill 02.50 Football

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: Dallas: War of the Ewings ** 15.40 FILM: Never Say Never: The Deidre Hall Story * 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Conservative Party.

19.30 Home Values Sally Meen and Michael Holmes help two couples go fantasy house-shopping. Would that be sexual fantasy?I do hope so, might make it worth watching.

20.00 Earth's Fury: Hurricane Force 21.00 FILM: Frantic Forgotten Roman Polanski thriller with Harrison Ford saving the world. **** 23.25 Pub Ammo This edition questions what cheese made from human breast milk tastes like. Sounds fun.

23.55 FILM: The China Lake Murders *** 01.30 The Shield 02.15 FILM: The Program** 04.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

11.30 Grease Monkeys The new sports desk story.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 From Bard to Verse 19.30 Liquid Assets: Jacko's Millions I’ll all be going on legal fees and payouts to the drinkers of Jesus Juice methinks.

20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Sex and Lies Drama about a woman who claims that she has been raped by a colleague at work. The two are good friends - so what realy happened on the night in question?

Methinks the lady doth protest too much...

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Burn It So U Want More?

by Ty and Roots Manuva.

23.00 Burn It Timing, Forget The Timing [Kerrier District Remix] by The Black Devil Disco Club.

00.00 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 00.30 The Practice 01.10 Liquid Assets: Jacko's Millions 02.10 Burn It Madvillainy by Madvillain.

02.40 Burn It Hol ‘Dat by Prince Po and Dangermouse 03.10 Outrageous Fortunes

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.45 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 American Idol Special: The Final Five Fixed by racist right wing nutters or just the poor taste of the American public? Watch it yourself if you care.

21.20 American Idol 22.10 American Idol 22.35 Coronation Street 23.05 Club Reps Exclusive: Aftersun 00.05 Jerry Springer 00.50 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 The John Walsh Show 02.25 Teleshopping 03.55 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Rough Air: Danger on Flight 534 * 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Futurama 19.30 Futurama 20.00 The Simpsons Homer fills in on Krusty's show while he has a belated Bar Mitzvah, and becomes an overnight success.

Guest-starring Mr T. Awesome “Pity the fool” scenes.

20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 FILM: It Could Happen To You Nick Cage promises a waitress a third of his winning lottery ticket. His wife is pissed off. End of story. *** 23.00 Las Vegas 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Behaving Badly 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Vampire High 05.10 The Nanny

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 No Angels 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 The Secret Life of Us 00.00 The Secret Life of Us 01.00 Hollyoaks 01.30 Kill Bill Vol 2: The Bride is Back 02.00 No Angels 02.45 Without a Trace Well it’s a fun packed Friday night with E4 this week with fuck all worth either watching or talking about. Still you’ve got me to suggest ways to entertain you so why don’t you go to the cinema and see Shaun of The Dead.

It’s the funniest British film since Withnail and I and a minor masterpiece. Any zombie film which starts with Ghost Town by the Specials must be a gem...

As S4C except: 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Will and Grace 09.55 ER 10.50 Third Watch 11.40 Great Britain 11.45 Great Britain 11.50 Great Britain 11.55 Great Britain 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 Frasier Frasier's Halloween party takes an unpleasant turn when Niles consumes one too many beers. 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Monster Garage Engineers redesign vehicles and enter them in a series of challenges.

The maverick mechanics must turn a 1960s milk float into a drag racer. Could be amusing...

20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Will and Grace 22.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 22.30 Distraction 23.05 Bo Selecta! 23.40 Experimental 00.10 The Bronx Bunny Show 00.40 Dirty Sanchez 01.05 Do Over 01.30 King of the Hill 01.55 The PJs 02.20 The PJs 02.45 British Motorsport 03.15 KOTV 03.40 Football

Saturday

May 03-09 2004

Page 27

KanyeWest@Heliumrectum.co.uk David Dickinson

When Texts Go Wrong Making The Band 2 Sky One 10pm

E4 17.35pm

Film: The Witches

Dr John in Profile

five 17.45pm

ITV1 03.55am

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 12.00 See Hear 12.45 The Sky at Night 13.10 Talking Movies 13.35 FILM: The Agony and the Ecstasy *** 15.35 The Rockford Files 16.25 Golf: British Masters 18.00 Flog It! 19.00 War at Sea: Will To Win 21.00 Handel's Water Music 21.00 Have I Got News for You 21.30 Restoration: The Story Continues Hey, here’s an idea, inbreds. Why not use the money you’ve evidently ploughed into this program because you can’t possibly bear NOT to have some sort of glorified phone vote on a Saturday evening, and use it to help restore some of the buildings you left rotting at the end of the last series because they didn’t happen to win the architectural equivalent of Miss World. Either that, or stick the entire thing up your smug “we’re saving our heritage - honest!” ass.

Anyone planning to vote, just get up out of your rut, and visit these places. Unless they’re public gardens. They’re rubbish.

22.30 International Boxing 00.10 FILM: Chopper *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Play and the Social World 02.30 A Thread of Quicksilver 03.00 Did Tibet Cool the Earth? 03.30 Food Whose Choice Is It Anyway?

04.00 The Mother of All Collisions 04.30 Maiden Flights 05.00 Persisting Dreams 05.50 Ever Wondered?

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.20 ITV News; Weather 12.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.30 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Qualifying Live Still the most boring sport available on television. 14.15 On the Ball 14.45 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.00 ITV1 Wales 17.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.30 New You've Been Framed!

18.00 Stars in Their Eyes: Kids 19.00 Love on a Saturday Night 20.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.15 Stars in Their Eyes Now now, don’t get too excited here, but I think this might have Barry from Eastenders “doing” Meat Loaf, so to speak.

22.15 ITV News 22.30 The Premiership 00.00 Shane 00.30 FILM: The Big Easy **** 02.05 Blank Screen 02.10 Weapons of Mass Distraction Ho ho what a witty title. Interesting how anyone will play a pun on the phrase “Weapons of mass destruction” these days. See also: the completely awful new Faithless single.

02.35 Blank Screen Apparently this is an absolute advertising sham designed to illicit drunken idiots into phoning in to answer a hopelessly easy question. ITV gain megabucks. 02.40 CD:UK 03.20 Blank Screen 03.25 Entertainment Now! 03.50 Blank Screen 03.55 Dr John in Profile A sideways look at TV John in a surgical mask. Or the jazz pianist. I know which one I’d rather see. Sch-wing. 04.20 Cybernet 04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Blah blah something tedious happened...

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Great Adventure Race 07.25 F3 on 4 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.50 Salvage Squad 10.50 Scrapheap Challenge USA 11.50 FILM: Encounters 11.55 Smash Hits Chart 12.25 Friends 12.55 As If This week, Asif does the Guardian crossword, thinks war is a bit silly, and offers some bourbon biscuits to the neighbours. 13.30 Channel 4 Racing from Lingfield Park and Beverley 15.45 Postmodern Pastimes 16.00 Time Team Special: The Ten Million Pound House 17.00 Newyddion News.

17.10 Y Clwb Rygbi: Neath v Caerphilly 19.30 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.45 Dudley 20.15 Da 'Di Dil 'De...Mick and Titch.

20.45 Tipyn O Stad 21.15 Y Palmant Aur 22.20 FILM: Sleepy Hollow Goth-tastic ghost film with headless horses and things. Or so I gather. Alas, I’m not Johnny Depp savvy, so I can’t say much else about this. **** 00.15 FILM: Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde I know jack about this either, although this has the potential to be the best use of the word “Ms” since Ms Pacman. Or it could just be a load of wank. ** 01.50 British Motorsport 02.15 Football: South American Championship 04.00 KOTV I’ve just been reminded that Ms Jackson is the best use of the word “Ms” since “Ms Pacman”. I stand corrected. Uh oh, space to fill.

Erm....Oh, actually, go and visit www.artofthemix.com. It’s beautiful for music geeks, particularly those like me that waste a large amount of their lives making compilation tapes.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Dawson's Creek 10.55 Shake! 11.00 FILM: Tintin: Prisoners of the Sun *** 12.25 Xcalibur 13.00 Zentrix 13.30 Beyblade 14.00 Stepping Up 14.30 The Chart 15.00 FILM: The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance *** 17.15 The World of Van Helsing 17.45 FILM: The Witches Film adaptation of the Roald Dahl book. One way to make witches boring, I suppose *** 19.20 Charmed Oh - and here’s another 20.10 five news and sport 20.30 Martial Law 21.25 CSI: Miami 22.20 Law and Order 23.25 FILM: Moment of Truth: Cradle of Conspiracy Film adaptation of the Cilla Black game show.

01.15 FILM: Spawn Utterly awful sci-fi tat with suspiciously entertaining soundtrack, featuring a collaboration between Atari Teenate Riot and Slayer, no less. ** 02.55 FILM: Expose With Udo Kier and Linda Hayden.

Soft-porn chiller in which a disturbed author's home is turned upside down by his sexy, onanistic secretary who has a dark secret. “More skin-flick than horror”it says here, so if flicking your skin is your game, then this is the film for you. 04.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.20 Cold War 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters A few Easter music recommendations for you dear readers: Coheed and Cambria, The Shins, Avenged Sevenfold, Papa M, Richmond Fontaine, The Walkmen, Mew, Silver Mt. Zion, Songs:Ohia, Three Mile Pilot, Misfits, Matt Skiba, Yo La Tengo and Calexico. Yum.

19.00 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions 20.00 Outrageous Fortunes: Guinness 21.00 Monkey Dust spectrum of British society.

21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 Monkey Dust 22.30 Monkey Dust 23.00 Monkey Dust 23.30 Monkey Dust 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions 01.55 Outrageous Fortunes 02.55 Monkey Dust 03.25 Monkey Dust Erm you actually have to be joking if you think I’m going to talk about Monkey Dust.

Nobody’s ever seen the damn thing. So anyway, I was thinking about James and the Giant Peach the other day and I was thinking:- “The man who was in the garden who gave James the magic beans - why was he there? Why didn’t he make his own life better with the beans?

Why would just making things bigger improve James’ life?” So many mysteries to clear up. Why did Roald Dahl have to die?

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.15 Quincy, ME 13.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

14.30 Entertainment Today 15.20 CD:UK 16.10 Kylie... in Profile 16.35 Planet's Funniest Animals 17.00 Entertainment Today 17.50 Movies Now 18.00 Airline 18.30 Airline Documentary 19.00 Roads from Hell Park Street in Bristol on a summers day and you can’t find your way to the students union late on a Friday night. St Mary’s Street, Cardiff any time of the year, but particuarly on a Saturday after Arsenal have won some sort of cup and their gloating fans snob about everywhere soiling the kerbside.

20.00 Trouble in Paradise 21.05 Movies Now 21.15 FILM: Instinct ** 23.35 Club Reps 00.40 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 01.55 Teleshopping 03.25 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus The room degenerates into a soundclash between Kanye West and Calexico remixes. That’s it! I’m outta here....

06.00 Mutant X 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 15.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Jake 2.0 18.00 Tarzan 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle S 20.00 The Simpsons Mysterious time-fiddling concept episode, which is fantastic.

20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 When Texts Go Wrong 23.00 Britain's Wildest 00.00 Secrets of the Sex Gods With Hercules and Pegasus.

“Wings of Steel”. 01.00 Angel 02.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 03.50 Cops 04.20 Law and Order 05.10 Mutant X Sequal to the film Malcom X.

14.00 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 14.20 Making the Band 2: Hip Hop 14.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends 17.35 Making the Band 2: Hip Hop Programme about the creation of a new hip-hop group, overseen. God help us.

18.00 The OC 19.00 The OC 20.00 The OC 21.00 Father Ted 21.30 Father Ted 22.00 Friends 22.30 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind He’s actually NOT a smug slappable prick.

23.05 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind And also not a bit of a bender, either.

23.35 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 00.05 Father Ted 00.35 Father Ted 01.05 The Importance of Being Famous 02.10 Fame and Misfortune - Excesses 03.05 Buried What better way to capitalise on winning a Bafta than cramming Buried into a crappy 3.05am slot on your cable channel, eh? Babble babble bitch bitch rebel rebel party party.

08.55 The Morning Line 09.50 T4: Smash Hits Chart 10.20 T4: Newlyweds 10.50 T4: Friends 11.20 T4: Friends 11.55 T4: The OC 12.55 As If 15.45 FILM: Sea Wolves *** 18.00 30 Minutes 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 Carthage - The Roman Holocaust 21.00 FILM: The Abyss **** 23.35 FILM: Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh “Farewell to what was quite a good idea originally but this is undoubtedly dire” more like. ** 01.20 The Truth About Killing “It’s easy, free and fun” Harold Shipman 02.20 Off Centre US sitcom 02.45 Jack and Jill 03.30 Jack and Jill 04.15 The Chris Isaak Show Erm how long has Chris “Wicked Game/Agent Chester Desmond” Izaak had his own outrageous US sitcom? Is he that hard up on his fortunes? Boxing, singing, film acting and now his own sitcom? What a CV, and he has the demeanour of an average schmuck. Who would probably clean my clock for saying such a thing. 05.05 Countdown

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 CBBC: Angelmouse 06.45 CBBC: Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 Metalheads 07.15 Super Duper Sumos 07.35 Arthur 08.05 Fairly Odd Parents 08.30 The Saturday Show 10.00 The Mysti Show 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Balmoral Road Races 14.30 Golf: British Masters 15.45 Football HalfTimes 15.50 Golf: British Masters 16.25 Wales on Saturday 17.10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.30 Just for Laughs 18.00 Test Your Pet What’s the IQ of your bacon tongued dog? Do we need any more proof that cats are great and clearly above the level of TV pranks?

19.00 Come and Have a Go... If You Think You're Smart Enough Lazy excuse for a quiz show. Seriously. I’ll eat my fucking hat if this gets a second series.

19.50 The National Lottery: In 20.10 It to Win It 20.35 Casualty 21.25 BBC News; Weather 21.45 Come and Have a Go... If You Think You're Smart Enough 22.05 Parkinson Music comes from Jamie Cullum and the Corrs. Hopefully not together in some sort of five-headed behemoth of disgusting tea-flavoured vomit.

23.05 FILM: Switchback. *** 01.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 02.00 A Question of Sport 02.30 Top of the Pops With foul-mouthed cunt no doubt clogging up the top of the charts and stopping the awesome new Black Dice EP from getting number one. 03.00 Joins BBC News 24

COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30

Sunday

Today in your Union

Page 28

May 3-9 2004

it’sallaboutthefucking@tvdesk.co.uk

THE TAF DRINK AS U THINK Quiz Free Entry.

Free drinks for winners of each round. Random mystery prizes.

Crate of beer to quiz winner.

Prizes for 2nd and 3rd place

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

Last of The Mohicans S4C 9.55pm

J Lo: Love Chain ITV2 10.05pm

Extreme Phobias Britain’s Biggest Celebrity five 8pm

Mingers Sky One 10pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Call My Bluff 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 FILM: The Watcher in the Woods *** 14.20 EastEnders 16.15 My Family 16.45 Points of View 17.00 Songs of Praise 17.35 Historyonics He steps back in time to meet Mary, Queen of Scots.

18.05 BBC News; Weather 18.30 Antiques Roadshow Including an important collection of memorabilia from the Nuremburg trials. Bloody hell I wonder what’s in that? Goebbles’ soiled underwear probably. Or nazi gold.

19.15 FILM: Entrapment Preposterous tosh. *** 21.00 He Knew He Was Right 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: The Invisible Kids 22.55 FILM: Shiner Boxing thriller with Micheal Caine. ** 00.35 FILM: A Study in Terror Jack the Ripper vs Sherlock Holmes. My money’s on Saucy Jack... *** 02.10 Joins BBC News 24 Bugger, I shouldn’t have deleted all those listings. Still there’s no point in leaving badly written tosh when you could be reading MY badly written tosh. It’s been bloody ages since I’ve had to fill up space like this so I’ve no idea what to talk about. Actually I think a quiet mention of some of the great TV we’ve missed whilst we’ve been away. Six Feet Under built to a satisfying climax after a few dodgy episodes and the inclusion of Justin Theroux from Mullholland Drive and possibly Mena Suvari means the next series should be awesome.

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Taz-Mania 07.20 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 FILM: Three Faces West ** 11.45 Match of the Day Wales: Welsh Cup Final: Rhyl v TNS 14.05 Rowing 14.30 Golf: British Masters 17.35 Scrum V 18.10 The Victoria Cross: For Valour Jeremy Clarkson takes a possibly jingoistic look at the highest award available in the British Army.

19.10 The Boat More historical Sunday night telly.

20.00 Top Gear Yet more Jezza, this time waxing on about cars again.

21.00 Football Diaries This edition starts with two revolutions: the turnaround of ailing Chelsea by a Russian petro-dollar billionaire, as seen by players John Terry and Eidur Gudjohnsen, and the equally significant takeover of Weymouth FC by journalist-turned-chairman Ian Ridley and former Millwall professional Steve Claridge. This should be excellent.

22.00 Kingdom Hospital Stephen King possibly mutilates Lars Von Triers The Kingdom for US TV. Having watched and loved the original I’m expecting to loathe this. By the DVD of the Danish classic instead. Plot wise imagine Twin Peaks set in ER. An awesome concept in anyone’s language.

23.20 FILM: The Pallbearer *** 00.50 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills in Engineering: The Complete Guide 03.00 Building Bridges

06.00 GMTV 09.25 The Premiership 10.25 The Ark 10.55 My Favourite Hymns 11.55 ITV News; Weather 12.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.05 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Live 15.00 Waterfront 15.30 Agatha Christie's Poirot 17.30 Soccer Sunday 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.15 Coast to Coast: Border Terriers I had a lovely little border terrier called Polly who had to be put down during my 2nd year.

Really gutting as she was the sweetest dog you’ve ever known. *sighs*.

18.45 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Charity's charm begins to work on Tom, forcing Jimmy and Matthew to take action.

They lock the evil conniving bitch in a shed with a randy bull and wait for the results...

19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat A stray donkey takes a shine to Vernon, leading the station to indulge in a bit of hardcore donkey rutting.

21.00 21.00 The Brief 22.30 ITV News 22.45 The South Bank Show 23.45 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Schumacher to win by a mile yet again.

00.50 World Rally Championship 01.15 Inside Saddam's Iraq Hosted by George Galloway.

02.15 Building the Dream 02.40 Bridezillas 03.05 Trisha 03.55 Today with Des and Mel 04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News I saw Buck 65 last night. He rocked like a motherfucker. I urge you to buy his albums.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Speedway World Championship Grand Prix: Grand Prix of Sweden 07.30 Football: South American Championship 08.30 Vee-TV 09.00 Zero to Hero 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 The OC 13.50 Maniffesto 14.15 Y Clwb Rygbi 16.30 04 Wal 17.00 Hip Neu Sgip?

17.25 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Sioe Gelf A special programme showcasing one of Wales's most groundbreaking and innovative bands, Brodyr y Ffin. So renowned even I haven’t heard of them...

20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Crwydro 21.00 Emyn Roc a Rol 21.45 Newyddion 21.55 FILM: Last of the Mohicans With Daniel Day-Lewis and Madeleine Stowe. After frontiersman Hawkeye rescues the daughters of a British colonel from the evil Magua and his band of insurgent Hurons, their lives become irrevocably intertwined as they battle both the wilderness and the enemy. I’ve never seen this, but perhaps tonight is the night...

Surprisingly directed by regular trash maker Michael Mann. ***** 00.00 30 Minutes 00.30 Children of Abraham 01.30 FILM: The Greatest Story Ever Told Epic biblical drama with Max von Syndow, Charlton Heston and a cast of thousands! Predictably, it’s as boring as watching paint dry.** It’s 1am and I’m starting to fear I’ll never leave this godforsaken place. At least the sports monkeys are still here...

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Barney 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.25 Make It Big 11.00 Morris 2274 11.15 Aliens among Us 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Rooted 12.35 Divine Designs 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 FILM: Sam Whiskey *** 15.30 FILM: Chariots of Fire **** 17.45 five news and sport 17.55 The World of Peter Rabbit and Friends 18.20 FILM: Dragonheart II: A New Beginning * 20.00 Extreme Phobias Documentary looking at some of the more obscure phobias that affect people. The offbeat afflictions include a man who is afraid of baked beans and a travelling salesman who has a fear of writing in public.

Our list of stange phobias include a fear of spoons, fear of Antonio Banderas, fear of badgers and a fear of Alex dressed in lederhosen.

21.00 FILM: Mercury Rising Terrible thriller with Bruce Willis and Alec Baldwin. *** 23.15 World's Wildest Police Videos: Robbers On the Run Amazing footage of reckless criminals engaged in a range of illegal and often highly dangerous activities. Perfect no-brainer viewing.

00.10 Great Caledonian Run 01.00 Major League Baseball

19.00 Leonardo's Amazing Inventions 20.00 Liquid Assets: Kylie's Millions 21.00 Who Rules the Roost 22.00 Sex, Lies and Michael Aspel Spoof This Is your Life featuring dozens of illegitimate children. Strange.

23.00 From Bard to Verse Series of Shakespearean extracts performed in a variety of unusual locations around London. Hopefully a brothel will appear somewhere, possibly with some of the sonnets...

23.20 Kingdom Hospital Mrs Druse recruits other patients for a seance after she is forcibly expelled from the hospital. Bring on the spawn of the devil I say...

23.55 Trauma on Three 00.25 Love for Sale 00.55 Leonardo's Amazing Inventions 01.55 Liquid Assets: Kylie's Millions 02.50 Who Rules the Roost me with my huge staff of power and shield of steel. That sounds a bit dodgy, but then again everything I type will at fucking 1.30am...

09.25 American Idol Special: The Final Five 10.15 American Idol 11.05 American Idol 11.30 Love on a Saturday Night 12.30 Movies Now 12.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.00 Emmerdale Secrets: Weddings 19.00 UEFA Stories The story of football's European Championship. This episode looks at the 1972 tournament in Belgium.

19.30 UEFA Stories The story of football's European Championship. This episode looks at the 1976 tournament in Yugoslavia.

20.00 American Idol Special: The Final Five 20.50 American Idol 21.40 American Idol 22.05 Jennifer Lopez... Love Chain 22.35 Drew Barrymore... Love Chain 23.05 Coronation Street 23.35 Emmerdale Secrets: Weddings 00.35 Jerry Springer 01.25 Entertainment Today 02.00 Sheena 02.45 Teleshopping

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Flaunt Fab 5 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons Fed up with Homer, Bart hires someone from the Bigger Brother programme, who does all the things Homer won't do with him.

19.00 Malcolm in the Middle Reese becomes the subject of Malcolm's school experiment.

19.30 Scrubs 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Million Pound Hoax 22.00 Britain's Biggest Celebrity Mingers 23.00 Secrets of the Sex Gods 00.00 Shock Video 00.30 P.I.

14.00 Making the Band 2: Hip Hop 14.25 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.25 Britney Spears Live from Miami 17.00 Friends 17.30 Faking It USA 18.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.25 The OC 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER Dr Weaver fights desperately to save the life of her partner, and there is a surprise for Dr Corday. She’ll be preggers then.

22.30 Infamous Fives 23.00 What Sadie Did Next Hopefully she fucks off and dies the miserable bitch.

23.30 The World of Van Helsing 00.00 The OC 00.55 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.45 The Secret Life of Us 02.45 The Secret Life of Us A choice piece from the little book of calm: As any beauty therapist or barber will tell you, nothing soaks away facial stress and tension quite so effectively as a damp, hot towel...

As S4C except: 08.00 Football: South American Championship 08.30 Vee-TV 09.00 T4: Friends 09.30 T4: Popworld 10.25 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.55 Newlyweds 13.30 Faking It USA 14.30 Friends 15.00 Scrapheap Challenge USA 16.00 Zero to Hero 17.00 Time Team 18.00 Friends 18.30 The OC 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Children of Abraham 21.00 FILM: Last of the Mohicans ***** 23.05 FILM: Seven Years in Tibet Brad Pitt stars as the nazi who hides in Tibet to escape his past. *** 01.30 ICC Cricket World 02.00 The Truth About Killing Excellent documentary about the psychology of war and killing.

Even features the psychology department of Cardiff Uni. 03.00 Football: South American Championship 04.45 30 Minutes 05.15 Countdown Dear God I’m knackered. If anyone fancies joining the neverendiung struggle that is TV desk then please read the plea for help next year on the front page....

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

“

Prince William was one of the weaker players on the Scottish team Men’s cricket bowled over

by Bristol

”

Chris Taylor, Men’s Waterpolo, April 2004 W aterpolo’s hopes are drowned

Back Page

page 31

Issue 761 3 May 2004 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk W ebsite: www.gairrhydd.net

Focus on Kate Davey. page 31

Ben Wright’s weird weekends. Below

Wright’s weird weekends

This week, Ben takes up the gruelling challenge of training with the university rowing club

THIS PROMISED to be the toughest chal- two minutes into it, my legs and back were about lenge I had faced yet. I had received reports to buckle.

After what seemed like an eternity, but was in that team members train for six days a week. They’re out on the river at 6am in the fact nine minutes, it was over. And I hadn’t even morning and they push themselves physi- achieved a good enough split time to be in the girls rowing team. There were another three days cally to the point of nearly passing out.

My idea of training is a walk to the 24-hour to go before circuit training and a further two garage to buy another packet of cancer sticks. before I would be on the water. I had to shape up I’m seldom out of bed before 10am and any sign quickly, so out went the cigarettes and in came the orange juice. of ‘pushing it’ and I’m cowering under the I was beginning to nearest table. The pairing of ‘tired surprise myself with sports hack’ meets the athleticism my new ‘fitness’ of rowing makes the pairing of a regime, these acts of certain England captain and a determination and the hooker seem like a great idea. desire to succeed are Rewind three days... It all began usually reserved for at the ungodly hour of 7.30am in that gorgeous girl who the Park Place Gym; I was greeted I’m trying to impress. by the muscular frame and friendly Fast forward two face of team member AJ who gave days to Llandaff rowme a crash course on my technique ing club. The weather on the rowing machines. is bright and breezy Despite some difficulty in and at the jetty a scull acquiring the right posture and techrests on the calm and nique (it’s all about the legs, kids, tranquil water. That and not the arms!) the ever-patient is until that clumsy AJ was my mentor and personal e? rav dg Re ve Ste xt The ne figure of yours truly trainer. I began with a 2K row and

t Row, row, row your boa

tries to get into the boat without losing the blades or getting drenched.

But after shrieks of laughter from the photographer and some appropriately timed quacking of ducks, I’m in the boat. I’ve finally made it.

Perhaps it’s a good idea not to tell Osian ‘Ossie’ John that I’m not a strong swimmer.

Although I was performing the simpler technique of keeping my blades square rather than feathering (where you turn the blade when it’s out of the water) things seemed to be going OK. And despite feeling nervous, Ossie was there to keep me on track and also keep the Scull from veering into the riverbank. As I sit at the front of the scull I have a good chat with Ossie on the boat. "I guess it can be hard work, but with new members it’s often their first experience of the sport, so you don’t want to cane it."

He says: "In the winter it gets tough, but it’s rewarding, it may sound silly but the being on the water feels great...almost beautiful in fact."

His speech came to an abrupt halt as there is a hint of embarrassment about his comment, but he’s certainly right though. Even amongst the hard work and sheer agony, sometimes being on this peaceful part of the Taff seems to take the edge off it a bit.

And therein lies the beauty of this sport and the club itself.

For every muscle-aching stroke and thighdestroying training there’s the up side of a good sociable atmosphere and the serenity of being on the water. Someone made a remark that they didn’t envy me for having to undertake the uphill task of this weird weekend.

They should, as I have had the time of my life.

But I think I can put down the orange juice now and reach for the cigarettes again.

PHOTOS: TOM POOLE Pick up a copy of gair rhydd next week to see Ben joining another university sports club.

Sport

May 3 2004

Page 31

grsport@cf.ac.uk

CANOE POLO

By Fanny Hall

Lambe can’t prevent Cardiff getting the chop

By James Woodroof CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 1st XI travelled to Bristol for the opening day of the BUSA Premier League season.

Gareth Lambe’s side included five freshers in this crucial opening game.

And after winning the toss, he elected to field on a quickly drying pitch, assisted by the glorious weather.

Opening bowlers Ian Jack and Warren Stafford started tidily, keeping the opposition to a run rate of three an over.

Kent seamer Tim Jones got the first

two breakthroughs, and Cardiff had kept Bristol to 87 for 2 at the halfway stage. Leg spinners James Breese and James Gray kept the batsmen under pressure as James Woodroof struggled to find any rhythm. Cardiff gifted Bristol 35 extras as the medium pacers bowled costly wides and no-balls.

Bristol closed the innings on 218 for 7, a target that probably exceeded their expectations.

Cardiff suffered an early set-back with vice-captain Lloyd Ebden being bowled in the second over. Left-hander Simon Cane-Hardy came to the crease, following excellent pre-season form, to

Special Kay oats so good

By John Tuscany Aberystwyth 1 – 2 Cardiff (aet) CAPTAIN MATT KAY scored a precious headed goal deep into extra time as Cardiff progressed to the final of the Welsh Cup, after a tense 2-1 victory over Aberystwyth.

With just 6 minutes remaining on the clock, Kay headed home a Mark Lucas inswinging free kick, to set up a repeat of last year’s final, against Glamorgan.

The tie tested Cardiff to the limit, travelling to Aber with a depleted squad knowing that their visits to West Wales have not been overly successful in the past few seasons.

The early stages were fairly even with neither side really creating a genuine chance. Cardiff then suffered an injury blow when leading scorer Simon Green fell awkwardly, aggravating a knee injury.

Danny Gunyon replaced the unfortunate Green, with Cardiff reverting to five in midfield with Mike Rabjohns employed as the lone striker.

Minutes after, Cardiff took the lead. After Gunyon had been upended by the Aber fullback, Lucas bent a low free kick in off the upright,

catching the keeper napping.

More chances fell to Cardiff as they began to take the ascendancy, Gunyon, Lucas and Jamie Parkinson all came close to increasing the lead.

The second half was again a keenly contested affair, with neither side willing to give an inch.

Then, with 20 minutes remaining, Aber equalised with their only shot on target, the ball looping off Ross Herrick and over a stranded Rich Warwick.

More bad luck was to come, as Rabjohns had to leave the field with a hamstring injury, leaving Cardiff with no recognised forwards.

Both defences held firm for the remainder, with Ian Platt and Simon Yates impressive for Cardiff. Just as penalities appeared to be the only way to settle the contest, Kay pulled his men through with a captain’s goal.

In the other semi-final Cardiff Seconds were narrowly defeated 4-2 by holders Glamorgan, again after extra time. It was a gallant show by the second string, which were leading until six minutes form normal time.

Dave McCann and an Andy Harris penalty had looked to be causing an upset, but it was not to be as Glamorgan came back strongly to book their place in next Wednesday’s final.

join Gareth Lambe. The pair batted exquisitely for 28 overs during their 108 run partnership, and exceeded Bristol’s halfway score by 14 runs.

After setting the foundations for a successful innings, both fell after Lambe’s fifty in successive overs. The middle order began to collapse with Muse’s run out, then careless shots and questionable decisions ended a dismal batting performance.

James Gray was left stranded 18 not out as the tail failed to wag. Cardiff lost their last six wickets for only 39 runs, ending 175 all out, 43 runs short of their target. Bristol seam bowler

Chalkley finished with impressive figures of 5 for 27.

This initial setback should only inspire the side to improve throughout the remaining matches although ill discipline in all departments may cost Cardiff dear come the end of the season.

Cardiff 1st XI: Gareth Lambe (c), Lloyd Ebden (vc), Simon Cane-Hardy, Will Muse, Keiran Foley (wk), Warren Stafford, James Gray, Tim Jones, Ian Jack, James Woodroof, James Breese.

Bristol 1st XI: 218 for 7 (50 overs): Jones 3-45 Cardiff 1st XI: 175 all out (45 overs): Lambe 57, Chalkley 5-27

THOUGH THE WEATHER included rain and gale force winds the Inter-University Canoe Polo Competition (CUCP) went ahead with enthusiastic displays from the Cardiff, Portsmouth, Bath, Bristol and Gloucester teams.

Due to the wind, the ball was playing its own game with the competitors in what came to be known as the ‘Boomerang Effect’ amongst the teams.

The Bristol A team were pleased to have whipped their women’s team and Gloucester. In fact they won every game they played up until the finals. Bath’s Team A couldn’t believe that they lost to the girls they played against, which sadly was not the Cardiff girls’ team. Portsmouth played well for their first polo competition though ended up being knocked out in the pool stages along with Gloucester.

The Cardiff teams were on excellent form, beating off the Bristol competition and leaving them, ‘floating around’ as one Bristolian noted.

The Cardiff Old Boys were however given a run for their money by Bristol beating them to fourth place in the Open Competition. Cardiff A proudly came first in the Open Competition, scoring five goals against a solitary Bristol effort. Their late consolation was met with surprise, with one player heard to exclaim "A goal? The goal!"

In the ladies’ competition the Cardiff team came joint second with Bristol, leaving Bath to take first place. Cardiff ladies also gained helpful experience in playing in an Open League against male teams.

Davey nets England call

By John Stanton Deputy Sport Editor

Lacrosse ace Davey

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY sport had great cause for celebration over the Easter break as lacrosse star Kate Davey was selected to represent England at senior level for the first time.

Having been forced to withdraw from last year’s Junior World Cup through glandular fever, just three days before she was due to leave, first year Psychology student Davey has now set her sights on World Cup glory with the senior team in Baltimore next summer.

“It’s my dream to play in the World Cup. Over Easter I had senior England trials and was selected for the

squad so I’m going to Australia in the summer with them. It’s very exciting.

“In Australia we’ll play three tests against the Australian national team and then we’ll be playing state sides as well.”

Davey is modest about her achievements, yet it seems that international recognition came as a genuine shock.

“The tour lasts about three weeks but I’m not sure about the details because I really didn’t think I’d get in so I didn’t listen that much.”

Having played in the England under 21 side that, at the end of March, recorded a whitewash of victories in the home international fixtures against Germany, Scotland and Wales, it is perhaps not surprising that such an accolade has been bestowed upon the 19-year-old.

While a little daunted about the prospect of being the youngest member of the touring side this summer, Davey is clearly relishing the challenge of competing against the sport’s elite.

“When I was first involved with England at junior level it was really scary because there are awesome players and they’re a lot bigger than you.

But it’s great because if you play against people that are better than you then it improves your game.

Hopefully it will be alright in Australia because you really can’t be scared there.”

While little may be known about lacrosse in Britain, aside from a few images of Oz waving a stick around aimlessly in ‘American Pie’, the sport is enormous in America and only there would it be possible to pursue a professional lacrosse career.

“You’re lucky if you get one man and his dog turning up here but it’s a shame because in America, at university level, they get thousands of people coming to watch.

“It’s difficult because here the sport has no funding so you have to pay for everything yourself which can make it quite elitist. It’s a shame because I think everyone would love to play it.

I’ve been teaching my friends at university and they love it.”

Davey is also a keen member of Cardiff University’s lacrosse team and, after the disappointment of losing to eventual champions Liverpool in the BUSA Shield semi-final, she is looking forward to a successful summer followed by another challenge for the BUSA championship next year.

The lacrosse star clearly believes that Cardiff has a genuine chance of success, having only lost once in the league this year.

“We only lost one game, against UWIC , so we want a re-match with them. We’ll beat them next year .”

Their quest will certainly be strengthened by the presence of a full international amidst their ranks.

gair rhydd

CARDIFF KO ABER

GET WET WITH WRIGHT

Matt Key’s men beat rivals to reach Welsh Cup final See page 31

GR Sport monkey Ben Wright goes rowing See page 30

SUNK

By Jim Rosenthal Waterpolo correspondent CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’s dream of a fifth men’s waterpolo title in six years fell apart at the recent BUSA Championships.

The disappointment of finishing third was compounded by the knowledge that on their day Cardiff were good enough to take the title, having beaten eventual champions Bristol twice already this season.

Cardiff’s first match in the round robin finals tournament was against Bristol.

Despite a good start, going two goals up in the first quarter and a heroic performance from captain Darren Eastmond, Cardiff fell apart in the third quarter. They rallied in the final quarter but it wasn’t enough and Bristol ran out 14-11 winners. A worrying failure to convert simple goal-scoring chances and uncertainty in defence proved costly.

By the time Cardiff played Oxford other

results meant that the BUSA title was out of their grasp. With the pressure off, Cardiff produced a stunning performance to blow away an Oxford side that had held them to a draw in the semi-finals. Jon Holland demonstrated his usual predatory instincts in front of goal and Dave Blythin also got on the score sheet. The only disappointment in a fantastic 15-4 win was Matt Hewlett’s disallowed lobbed goal from the penalty spot.

I’m disappointed because I know we are capable of playing better than we did.

Charlie Hinder

Sunday’s match with London had been anticipated as the match Cardiff would need to win to clinch the title However, in the event, with Bristol already crowned as Champions the match was a head to head for second place. Cardiff opened the scoring but after the first quarter trailed 3-1. James Hadlow was ejected from the game for three major fouls and despite the efforts of Mark Taylor - who scored 16 goals over the weekend - things went from bad to worse for Cardiff as London inflicted a humiliating 13-8 defeat.

Third place in BUSA for a team of Cardiff’s ability is simply not good enough.

Too many players didn’t perform to their best and over the course of the weekend Bristol were the deserved champions.

Player-Coach Charlie Hinder said “Fair play to Bristol, they took their chances and finished as champions. I’m disappointed because I know we are capable of playing better than we did.”

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