gair rhydd - Issue 764 by Cardiff Student Media

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

Sport investigates whether the VC will continue to invest in coaching for our sports teams

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

ISSUE 764. MAY 24 2004

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CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

What’s

On?

University may be slowing down, but the union is gearing up for up for the UK’s biggest student event...

E-coli: could be just a bite away

PISS ‘N’ CHIPS Fast-food trader caught on CCTV urinating then serving food

Union considers opening late night takeaway service

By Peter Bramwell News Editor

STUDENT FEARS about the infamous union burger-vans were shown to be more than just hearsay last week after shocking CCTV footage was released. Union security officers caught one illegal food-server on CCTV urinating against a wall outside the union steps. He then continued to serve food to unsuspecting customers – without washing his hands. And with accusations of appalling food-hygiene standards, poor quality ingredients and criminal behaviour levelled against the street traders, the union has pledged to crack down on the problem after years of ineffective polic-

APPETISING: Customers may receive more than they bargain for from illegal traders

ing of the laws. Unlicensed to sell food to the general public, the men are believed to be working in organised gangs and have been targeting students - who are seen as a particularly good source of trade in the early hours of the morning. Keith Owen, Union Bars Mangers said, "These services could be managed well. But the people who work in the burger and hot-dog vans on Park Place are unlicensed and work illegally. "The food they serve is of bad quality and unhygienic. And they also pose a threat to safety as fights often break out, and the vans also compound the problem of students attempting to cross the busy road.

Story continued on page 2

News

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May 242004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

a glance

News Icarus Editorial Politics Letters Jobs & Money Competitions Media Listings Five Minute Fun Comedy Problem TV Listings Sport

1 5 6 9 11 14 15 16 18 19 20 21 30

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, Funboy Widdop POLITICS Caroline Farwell, AJ Silvers OPINION & EDITORIAL Alys Southwood, AJ Silvers LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB! Leigh Debbage MEDIA Gary Andrews, Bec Storey JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York COMEDY PROBLEM PAGE Matt Hill FIVE MINUTE FUN Laura Davies HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken, David Doyle, Will Talmage, DEPUTY SPORTS EDITORS Thom Airs, John Stanton PROOF READERS Alys Victoria Louise Southwood, Rob Sharples CONTRIBUTORS Fatiha Ali, Ed Williams, Mike Bailey, Alex Dove, Will Dean, Tom Brown, James Woodroof,

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

CARBS CHEATING CONTROVERSY By Fatiha Ali Reporter CARDIFF BUSINESS School was rocked last week by allegations of mass plagiarism on coursework, with 14 Accountancy students under investigation for lifting work from the Internet. The students were accused of using an essay found on the web search-engine Google for a Management Accounting assignment and submitting it as their own. The Business School subsequently failed all the accused students on the assignment in question, but did not take any further action. One of the accused students, who wished to remain anonymous, denied the charges. The student said, "These charges came about because of a genuine mistake. I asked my friend to submit my essay for me and he printed off the rough copy instead of the

final copy. The references for the rough copy were a mess and that’s why I was accused. "There was no intentional plagiarism at all but I was unlucky and maybe even stupid. I was pretty shocked at the accusations as they were unexpected. I made a genuine mistake by being negligent and I won’t be making the same mistake in future.” The student then attended a formal hearing with the department committee who gave the student a zero mark for the essay. However the essay was only worth one sixth of the module so the student is still able to pass it. "My personal feeling is that there’s a lot of intentional plagiarism being committed by students who cut and paste from sources on the Internet but many of this is missed by lecturers and markers." Howard Mellett, Head of Accounting at Cardiff Business

School said, "It is totally inappropriate for me to comment as I have not heard of any such case. Plagiarism shouldn’t be committed under any circumstances. "If it was commited then the Business School would notify the Chair of Exam Board at the Academic Registry and unfair practices, so the issue would have been dealt with externally." The Union’s Academic Affairs Officer, Billy Lee, said, "I have dealt with several cases of plagiarism throughout this academic year. The majority of these have been purely accidental or a result of bad essay practice. “I’ve found that the punishment usually fits the seriousness of the alleged plagiarism. "Cardiff University are doing a brilliant job trying to remove unfair practice as any cheating may ultimate devalue a degree."

Burger vans health hazard Story continued from front Keith Owen continued, "They block the view of people walking out the front of the union, which is dangerous. However, we have no powers to hold them so it is out of our hands. “Nothing can be done until the day when someone gets seriously hurt or food poisoning." One union security officer told gair rhydd, "The burger-van racket around Park Place is run by an organised gang of criminals. "Often there are minders waiting in a car nearby who get involved when there is trouble. They are a nasty bunch and often get violent." gair rhydd has had numerous reports from students subjected to violent clashes with the traders, often because of disputes over money. One recent victim of an alleged attack was left with a broken ankle. Another recent fight allegedly broke out after an independent burger-seller began trading on Park Place, on the ‘patch’ of another firm. He was report-

edly forced to move on by physical force. Mr Owen added, "As security staff we try to be non-confrontational as in the past the traders have reacted aggressively, even throwing food at us. "Sometimes even students get angry and ask us what the traders are doing wrong. But if they saw the hygiene in the light of day, would they really want to buy food from them then? It is not good value for students." Francis Pike, Licensing Officer at Cardiff Council said, "The hygiene factor is dreadful. The vans are filthy and there is rubbish all over the floor, where they often leave the food uncovered. "The people who serve the food have no regard for hygiene. Their clothes and aprons are often disgusting, and they are covered with scabs and sores. I would definitely not eat anything from them. "We are aware of the problem but we simply do not have the resources to deal with it. We have no powers of seizure and when we do send them to court, they either get a conditional discharge or simply pay the fine and carry on trading. They see the fines as an occupa-

tional hazard. "The magistrates don’t realise the extent of the problem." The police claim to be continually catching the illegal businessmen, but said that after being forced to move on, the sellers quickly return and carry on trading. It is thought that members of the racket stand either side of the road on the lookout for police, while those serving food keep the engines of the vans running, ready to move off quickly. Looking at ways of managing this problem in the future, Mr Owen commented on the value of the Union introducing its own late-night food service. He said, "We have been asking the question, ‘Can the union offer its own service?’ There is a price to pay, but the food would be a better standard, cleaner and the profits would go back into the Union. "We are considering the possibility of introducing something by Freshers’ Week in September. There is the option of introducing a franchise, but we would also actively look at running it inhouse."

Yearbook launched THREE ENTERPRISING former Cardiff students have launched a University’s yearbook service that claims to be the first of its kind in the UK. Although similar in design to friendsreunited.com, the yearbook site is unique in that it caters solely for students. It now officially contains more Cardiff student photos than the last 15 years of friendsreunited.

The students who graduated from Cardiff last year, set up www.uniyearbooks.com, a site that offers a free service for students to find and locate old friends. Uniyearbooks.com already holds details of over a thousand Cardiff students, and director Dan Crocker hopes the site will grow to success, "It provides students with a lasting memory of uni, where they can find old friends or watch them change."

News In Brief by John Collingridge City’s Stadium Dream Closer CARDIFF CITY’S £100m dream stadium has moved a step closer to reality with the acceptance of its bid for land which will be used for retailing. Council leader Russell Goodway approved acceptance for the bid, but refused to reveal the developer, describing it as commercially sensitive.

High-rise Student Living ACCOMMODATION PROSPECTS for Cardiff students are booming with the development of a new student-only city-centre apartment block. The 21-storey high-rise apartment at Pellett Street will provide housing for 643 students, and cost £20m. It will be completed in August next year.

Knife Robber Caught A KNIFE-WIELDING ROBBER who terrified Cardiff residents has handed himself into police. Ian Gordon, 29, owned up to a number of robberies, one of which was on a student in Bute Park. He was jailed for five years after handing himself into police and confessing to the crimes.

PR Award Success A STUDENT ON Cardiff’s postgraduate Diploma in Public and Media Relations has won a prestigious new award. James Fryer won the PR Week James Maxwell Award, beating off stiff competition. As part of the prize, he received £1,000 and will be offered a one-year placement at the global PR company Ketchum.

Recycling in Halls CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has taken a positive approach to recycling by re-launching its Re-use of Academic Rubbish (ROAR) scheme in halls. The scheme will collect, sort and distribute things that students leave behind when they move from halls. Boxes will be labeled bilingually with four categories: ‘Food’, ‘Kitchen Utensils’, ‘Textiles’ and ‘Books’. Contact Cardiff Waste Forum on 02920 250030.

Cardiff rises in league table Cardiff University has moved up four places to 21st place in the latest national rankings, consolidating its position as one of Britain’s leading research and teaching universities. The Times Good University Guide 2005 shows Cardiff as the top UK university in two subjects - Civil Engineering and Optometry while it ranks second for Anatomy, Physiology and for City and Regional Planning, and it is placed third for Architecture. Cardiff is ranked seventh in the UK, for research.

News

May 24 2004

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

RICH BEYOND HIS WILDEST DREAMS Ex-student wins £125k

By Jonathan Astle Deputy News Editor A CARDIFF UNIVERSITY graduate has scooped £125,000 on the TV quiz show Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Richard Edwards - who recently graduated with a Diploma in Magazine Journalism – walked away with the impressive sum in a show broadcast on May 8. But despite pocketing thousands, it could have been so much more had he gambled on his final question. Doing so would have left him just two brain-teasers away from £1m. The question asked, ‘Which of the following foreign monarchs worked at Depford Docks?’ On narrowing his choice down with his last remaining life-line - 50/50 – Richard was left with Louis XIV or Peter the Great.

haunted by the latter option . Had he followed his instincts and opted for the Russian Tsar - the answer he said he would have chosen – he would have landed £250,000. But it seems Richard, 24, is not about to let this spoil the good times that are set to roll. His first purchase will be a Volkswagen Golf, with the extravagant addition of "a top-notch CD multi-changer". He added, "There’s no point in spending loads of money on a fast car, I’m just not interested in them." And the shock of the whole experience appears to have dampened any dreams he might have for the money. Richard told gair rhydd, "I’ll be investing the rest of the money for the time being. I can’t really get my head round the whole thing – I don’t really know what I’m doing with the rest of the cash." His girlfriend Charlotte – who shared

The film reviewer will be forever

gair rhydd directory

University Switchboard Union Switchboard

Richard with Chris Tarrant - his new best friend

02920 874000 02920 781400

UNION SABBATICAL OFFICERS (02920 781…) Finnbarr Graham President Rami Goussous Societies & Union Secretary Mike Rabjohns inance & Commercial Services Emma Bebington Communications & Community Natasha Hettihewa Equal Opportunities & Welfare Billy Lee Academic Affairs Tristan Thomas Gair Rhydd Editor Tom Brown Athletic Union President NON SABBATICAL OFFICERS Raymond Motsie Black & Ethnic Affairs Officer Joao Martins International Students Officer Lee Gregory Gay & Bisexual Mens Officer Sarah Rennie Students with Disabilities Anna Gruffudd Welsh Affairs Officer Caralyn Richards Women’s Officer Nitin Garg Postgraduate Officer Karen Sharp Xpress Radio Station Manager Alex Macpherson Gair Rhydd Deputy Editor MacphersonA3 Phillip Moody Athletic Union Vice President Bethan Skelton Athletic Union Vice President Beca Murphy IMG Chair STUDENT SERVICES Position Unfilled Student Liaison Officer Keith Cronin Transport Assisiant Huw Roberts Translator John Steele Training & Development Co-Ordinator JOB SHOP Jayne Howorth Unistaff Co-Ordinator ATHLETIC UNION Nick King Sports Development Co-Ordinator Marian Coxshall AU Administrator Adrian Evans Rugby Development RECEPTION Glenys Willacott Reception (Morning) Karen Clissold Reception (Afternoon)

many a date with Richard in The Taf doing pub quizzes – was impressed by the legendary Chris Tarrant. "He’s much bigger in real life than he looks on TV, he’s a huge bear of a man. "He also drinks brandy and smokes cigars – not what I expected!"

UNIVERSITY

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The University Health Centre 47 Park Place 02920 874 810 GrahamF Director of Student Services GoussousR1 47 Park Place RabjohnsM 02920 874 669 BebingtonE Student Advisory Services HettihewalL1 47 Park Place 02920 874 844 LeeB5 Dyslexia Resource Centre ThomasT4 2nd Floor 45 Park place BrownT3 02920 874 528 Careers Service MotsieM Tel 02920 874 828 MartinsJ2 Students with Disabilities/Specific Needs GregoryL4 02920 874 610 RennieS Day Care Centre GruffuddA 02920 874 135 RichardsC Student Advisory Service GargN2 02920 874 844 SharpK Nightline 148 Colum Road 02920 223 993 MoodyP1 Academic Registry SkeltonB1 Tel 02920 874 404 MurphyB2 FACILITIES

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GriffithsR CroninK RobertsH SteeleJ

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KingN2 CoxshallM EvansA12

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Reception Reception

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Park Place Fitness and Racquets Centre 02920 876 706 Talybont Sports Centre 02920 874 675 Llanrumney Playing Fields 02920 777 377 RESOURCE CENTRES Opening hours in Semester Mon to Fri 8.45am - 9.30pm Saturday 10.00am - 5.30pm Sundays (Arts and Social Studies, Law and Trevithick only ) 12.00 noon – 5.00pm

Thieves target sunbathers By Peter Bramwell News Editor LAST WEEK’S spell of warm weather brought a spate of thefts from Cardiff students, police have revealed. The thefts - from a number of student houses and a hall of residence - are believed to have been carried out by opportunists taking advantage of windows and doors left open in the heat. Five burglaries from student houses in Cathays are known to have taken place in the last three weeks. Bikes, laptops and other electrical goods were among the many belongings stolen. Numerous flats in Talybont were also hit by the attacks. A large number of mobile phones were stolen from the windowsills of ground-floor bedrooms. P.C Bob Keohane, Police Liaison officer for the University, gave a clear message for students, "With the nicer weather it is easy to leave windows open to stay cooler. "However, this is an open invitation to thieves, so it is important to keep doors and windows locked when you are not around, and not to leave valuable possessions on windowsills." Customers of coffee shops and restaurants were also hit by the weather-related thefts. Thieves masquerading as tourists have asked for directions from people sitting outside, while using maps and menus to cover valuables on tables, before stealing them from the unsuspecting victims. "Pc Keohane added, "It is important for students to be aware that this is happening all around Cardiff. Keep your valuables on you at all times.” gair rhydd weather courtesy of the BBC

News

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May 24 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

MAKING THE STUDENT VOTE COUNT

HOW TO VOTE

The Local Council are directly responsible for the area in which YOU live. Your votes will make a difference. Jonathan Astle, David Doyle and Will Talmage prepare you for the decison ahead. THE LOCAL COUNCIL is responsible for the maintenance of each area in Cardiff. Those voted-in are responsible for making your streets a better place to live. Most students do not realise that they are eligible to vote in the upcoming local council elections. The student population in areas of Cardiff such as Cathays and Gabalfa makes up a large proportion of the electorate. Talybont alone comprises

half of the votes in the Gabalfa ward, and as such, students make a big difference to the results. Students can register for more than one address if they are studying away from home. This means that they can vote at both their home and university addresses. The elections are being held on the 10th of June and the results will decide an area’s councillor for the next four years.

The council is composed of 75 members and once elected, councillors are accountable to residents of their ward. Each councillor is responsible for the entire community, however they have a particular responsibility for their constituents. Residents of a ward can contact their local councillor about any matter that concerns them, and the councillor in turn will strive to improve the area.

Mayor Russell Goodway

Councillor Rodney Berman

Glyn Davies AM

Ieuan Wyn-Jones AM

LABOUR HAS “increased local government’s powers with a new duty to promote the well being of their communities.” They believe “much remains to be done in order to engender a new era of localism. We need to increase locl government’s capacity for community leadership, streamline the number of plans and strategies they are required to produce, and cut unnecessary red tape.” They also think “more people from a wider variety of backgrounds, should be encouraged to stand for election.”

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS are backing “tough action on anti-social behaviour” by introducing a “Cardiff-wide network of dedicated Council-employed Community Support Officers. They have also “backed plans to crack down on anti-social behaviour such as graffiti, fly posting and noise nuisance.” There is also an emphasis “to see more police on the beat [...] That way we can concentrate on tackling the many problems in our area.

CONSERVATIVES HAVE promised “to set local councils free to make more of their own decisions with their new principles: Let Councils Decide. They believe “locally elected representatives should be as free as possible to decide on policy that is appropriate for them.” They say “future Council Taxes should be at a realistic level. Conservatives will ensure that Councils are in a position to protect the council taxpayer from the excesses and cavalier approach to public money of Labour.

PLAID CYMRU are commited “to the environment and recycling, to local areas and communities.” They “believe that you should use your vote on the 10th of June to show your dissatisfaction not only of the Russell Goodway-led Labour council of Cardiff, but also of the Labour Governments recent actions.” Their candidates in Cathays “are all under 30, therefore in touch and understand the needs of students.” “The four councillors consider more recycling and cleaner streets a priority for the area.”

WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU?

Word on the street Amy Davis 1st Year Law and Sociology

“

I haven’t heard about the elections and I’m not going to vote. I’m on the electoral register back home so I’ll probably vote there. Student’s don’t live here a lot of the time so we could be like ‘Oh well it doesn’t really matter’.

Rhys Iorwerth and Rhys Teifi 3rd Year Welsh and Maths

”

“

I don’t know what the figures are but students are a dominant part of the community. You have to remember we contribute a lot to the community. If students don’t vote the community isn’t properly represented. Emily Knightley 2nd Year Italian and Politics

“

”

I’d like to see Cathays cleaned up. At the moment it looks a mess down Woodville Road doesn’t it? There are big mattresses and scummy fridges and gardens full of shit that spills out onto the road.

IF YOU are aged 18 and over, and are already on the electoral register, you are entitled to vote in the upcoming elections. Voting rights extend to citizens of the EU and the Commonwealth resident in the UK. People who live at two homes (including students) are allowed to register at both. Note that the deadline to register for this year’s election has now passed. If you live elsewhere and you’re unable to attend the polling station on 10 June there is no need to lose your chance to vote. Anyone on the electoral register can choose to vote by post. Remember, though, that if the address is outside the UK it will take time to reach you and for you to return it in order for your vote to be counted. You can apply for a postal vote by visiting www.postalvotes.co.uk. Your local authority must receive your application by 5pm on 2 June. The deadline for changing the details on an existing postal application is 5pm on 25 May. Contact Cardiff council for details. Polling stations will be open on 10th June from 7am till 10pm.

LAB 34,000

LIB CON 20,800 20,700

PC 9,700

Welsh Assembly election results for Cardiff, 2003

Opinion

May 24 2004

Page 5

icarus500@hotmail.com

Flying too close to the political flame

What has the US ever done for US? I

T”S NOT OFTEN you’ll hear Icarus praising the Conservatives. But last thursday, Tory leader “Poll Tax Mike” Howard said the most halfsensible thing I’ve ever heard from him. He’s called on Tony Blair to grow some balls and publicly criticise President Bush when he’s making a mistake - as he often does. “Anybody who reads the American newspapers knows exactly when Colin Powell, the US Secretary of State, disagrees with the president,” Howard said. “But we never know when or whether our prime minister disagrees with the president!” He’s got a hell of a point. The sight of the Tory leader criticising the UK’s pro-American foreign policy comes as a huge shock. Traditionally, Tories are the proAmerican ones and Labour tend to favour Europe. That’s why Tony Blair is out on such a limb with his party over Iraq. So when even the Conservatives are casting doubt on our relationship with America, it’s time to start thinking seriously. I’m not sure our “Special Relationship” with the US is worth it. I’m not saying we should be antiAmerican. America is a great country, and one of our most valued allies and friends. They saved us from Nazism and Communism, after all. Let’s face it, without their armies and

“Knock ‘em for six!” their nukes Europe would be an outpost of either the Nazi or the Soviet Empire. Anti-Americanism is for terrorists, beardy wierdies and far-left pinheads. But why a “special” relationship? Why not just a normal one? France, Germany, and the rest of Europe were all saved from Nazism and Communism too.

They got that without being “special”. So what else has America done just for their special friends Britain? It seems to me they’ve only ever let us down. In 1956, the US forced us into a humiliating climbdown over Suez by refusing to back us. They even passed a motion in the UN

condemning our invasion of Egypt. The UK Prime Minister lost his job. In 1984, when Britain retaliated to the attack on the Falklands, the US let us down again. You’d have thought our No.1 ally would rush to our aid, since we were attacked on our own territory. But at every turn they tried to bully us into accepting Argentine sovereignty over the Falklands. They sent no troops to help, and even wanted us to accept a ceasefire as we were about to win alone. In her autobiography, Thatcher writes: “I had to tell President Reagan it would have been quite wrong to snatch diplomatic defeat out of the jaws of military victory. “We could not contemplate a ceasefire without Argentine withdrawal.” Thatcher goes on to call the American attitude “irritating and unpredictable,” and her conversation with Reagan as “painful”. Reagan only asked us to pull our troops back because he was under pressure from the President of Brazil. Brazil! After a conversation with Brazil, suddenly America’s closest ally doesn’t matter so much. Some special relationship. And yet when the Yanks wanted our help for the unpopular and difficult Iraq war - we came running obediently to help. The Blair-Bush special relationship is just as one-sided. Tony Blair sold the Iraq invasion to his sceptical backbenchers on the promise that Bush would sort out Israel next. Instead, Bush tore up the “road map for peace” in Israel and humiliated Blair in front of his Labour critics. Some special relationship. Our cultural and economic links with America are growing thin these days. We won’t even have much of a common language soon. In a few years the number one language in the US will be Spanish. Already the governor of New Mexico is Hispanic - can it be long before the first Spanish-speaking President? In terms of trade, we used to be close to America. But today we sell more than half of our goods to Europe - only 15 per cent goes to the US. As I said, America is a great country. We share a love of freedom and democracy. Americans are valued allies and true friends. Just like France, or Ireland, or Germany, or Poland. So let’s junk this ridiculous “special” relationship - and start having a normal, sensible one, just as friends should.

Bitesize Moore Cockups for Disney EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE cuddly corporate bastards, Disney, have scored another spectacular own goal. They’ve slapped a ban on antiwar film director Michael Moore’s latest effort, Fahrenheit 9/11. The Lefty Lardcake claims they’ve dumped his flick in case it annoys Jeb Bush. Jeb is G e o r g e ’s brother and Governor of Florida, where Disney has substantial business interests. Whether it’s true or not, at a stroke, the film now has about 3,000 times the publicity! A lot of lefties will tell you Mike Moore is a genius. He isn’t. It’s just his opponents are so dumb, it makes him look like it.

Student Lib Dems should watch out SO CARDIFF STUDENTS Joe Carter and Ed Bridges are standing for the Libby Libby Dems in the upcoming elections, are they? I’m not sure they know what they’ve got themselves into. Cardiff Lib Dems are known to fight dirty and fight dodgy. Their dear leader Rodney Berman seems to be the Local Councillor for Everywhere. According to Lib Dem publicity he’s a “local campaigner” in Butetown, Roath, Cardiff Bay and Grangetown. Impressive. Another Lib Dem pamphlet laughably interviews “local resident” Jon Aylwin, who thinks Labour are awful. Aylwin turns out to be a Lib Dem councillor, which they don’t mention. Politics is a dirty game, boys. You’d better get ready.

Editorial & Opinion

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May 24 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

By Tristan Thomas, GR Editor

ix percent of UK citizens believe what they read in the tabloids. Aside from fear for British troops, fuelled Pier Morgan’s sacking last week, the real reason for his demise lies in this remarkable statistic. People no longer believe in our press, and editors like Morgan have contributed to the destruction of any remaining trust between journalist and reader. In many ways this was inevitable. In our 24-hour society, with information just a text message away, newspapers were never going to survive on bare facts alone, presented a day later in archaic two-dimensional form. We must accept that newspapers have a different role to the one they performed fifty years ago. The industry has moved on from the heady days of Hugh Cudlipp – the secret to good newspaper editing is no longer getting the facts over in the most efficient way possible. A tabloid editor must add to the service readers already receive from live broadcast journalism. They must speculate, rumourmonger and take risks. Recycling

rhydd EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

yesterday’s news will only hasten the seemingly terminal decline in newspaper sales. Piers Morgan had a talent for making The Daily Mirror interesting, and was rightly heralded for some remarkable scoops during his reign. Yet for every Morgan exclusive or undercover exposé there have been countless stories based on flimsy or downright false journalistic enterprise. This is the nature of the game of course, and Piers was the best player in Fleet Street. Yet what sets this story apart from many others is not only the seriousness of the allegations made on May 1 2004. Morgan fell because he would not admit his mistake. The owners of Trinity Mirror were frightened about the irreparable damage that was being done to the Mirror’s reputation - and the second oldest profession as a whole. gair rhydd made a major error in its coverage of strike action earlier this year. Yet we were all too aware of the bond that exists between us and our readers. Hopefully our front-page apology on that occasion proved that we will always correct our errors. If Morgan had followed suit after that fateful issue he may still be sitting pretty in Canary Wharf tower.

Skin deep By Perri Lewis It has never been so easy to look fashionable. Rip a few holes in last season’s jeans, swap your Classics for Converse and add a trucker cap. Dread your hair, pierce your labret and get a tattoo. What happens next year when this post-emo look is out? Buy some new jeans, get a pair of proper shoes and throw on a beanie. Shave your hair, take out your lip ring and then what? Exactly, you great foolish oaf. Tattoos are for life, not just for this season. It’s not just the sub-indie generation who adorn their bodies with pretty little meaningless junk; so many people are stupid enough to act on an impulse decision to get a tattoo. It seems to escape their dumb little minds that in fact, the little Chinese symbol perched so nicely on their shoulder will stay their until their stupid little bodies rot away in

“good tattoos are hard to find” festering coffins somewhere. You really think that it means friendship or power or some equally nauseating emotion? Sure it does. Keep telling yourself that. A tattoo is much like an expensive evening dress; it’s not essential, but it is a substantial investment. Wait a while, find the perfect one and you

can reap the rewards of a lifetime of pleasure. But rush your choice, splash out on fashions latest offering

“pretty little meaningless junk” and next season you will be left unsatisfied, wishing you had waited just that little bit longer to find the one that is right for you. Such a loathsome analogy, lacking in imagination and originality is perhaps reflective of these ‘fashion’ tattoos. At the end of the day, the heart/ flower/ Celtic band you picked from that big book at the parlour to be inked on your ankle/ upper arm/ lower back is rubbish because somewhere someone else has exactly the same one as you. People with really good tattoos are hard to find. A tattoo that has been meticulously designed to represent an emotion or a memorable event is a rare but beautiful thing. Unfortunately most tattoos don’t tell a story but are simply the result of aesthical consideration. Most are just a squiggle that mean nothing more than the random doodles you see on scrap pieces of paper. But unlike these random doodles, tattoos can’t be thrown away and forgotten about; they are there for life. You really will regret having one if it means nothing more to you than last season’s handbag.

Nokia nostalgia By Charissa Coulthard

o you remember the glorious days when you could walk into Virgin Megastores and be surrounded by row upon row of chunky videos, with not a DVD in sight? And somewhere in another Peter Andre-dominated corner you could purchase a chart single on cassette for the bargain price of £1.49? So okay, I’m not making it sound very appealing. More recently, then, do you remember wow-ing over the amazing new novelty that was the camera phone? The wonderful invention that rapidly became an everyday asset of communication? Well, fascinating though it may be, I find there is a really quite irritating demand constantly to upgrade myself to the latest technology. I’m not accusing newer mobile phones of being as brick-like and useless as the old ones; obviously video mobile and its newer look, better games and – well, let’s face it, better everything – makes my Nokia

3330 look a tad shit. It was only purchased last year and, as its anniversary approaches, its appearance is already becoming quite a rare thing. After my last (TV remote-like) mobile decided to miraculously shut itself down, all I received was an assistant’s raised eyebrow and ‘well, you have had it for a whole year.’ Tempting though it is, I’m sure if we all conformed and frequently updated our mobiles to the newest marvel, we’d find ourselves clearing

“Surrender to the clutches of consumerism” out our bank balance once a month. And, considering a new novelty one week is immediately replaced the next, is there really a point in bothering? While I’m standing my ground, I find people almost gawping at my 9-month old phone for its shocking inability to take photos (which, can I add, have the quality of

a Tesco Value disposable anyway) and its mere use for texting and phoning – in other words, precisely what the damn things were invented for in the first place. Although the technology expansion is, overall, a rather good thing, it is simultaneously rather limited. Consider this: When the wonder that is DVD pounced on our entertainment orientated lives, we could still choose VHS if our cash flow was a little dry. Three years later, however, we are forced to surrender to the clutches of consumerism as DVDs begin to dominate and only two measly stands of Virgin are now dedicated to the rare sight that is the video. However, I know that when this breeze-block novelty reunites with the cassette tape (and my overruled argument) in absolute extinction – and I’m meanwhile being forced by society to consider just how shit my Nokia and its ‘Sunny Walks’ ringtone is – I may simply have no choice. I’ll just have to shift my focus to the long-awaited arrival of a real life Mobily (complete with arms and legs) from the Carphone Warehouse…

James Emtage’s student stereotype: sun-worshippers

t’s the first hot weekend of the year, and the sun worshippers are out in force. Becks was up and sunbathing by 8, lying on her trusty beach towel, legs and arms outstretched, desperately trying to scrape together a tan in time for the summer ball. Rach has persuaded her that it’s a good idea to rub olive oil into your skin, and so you see them both every half hour, maniacally re-applying and rotating in order to not miss a single square inch of their pale winter white complexions. It’s not just the girls

`jennnifer Dunkerly’s

For quite some time now I have wanted to put into Room 101 the very vocal group of builders that have descended upon a site near my house. Daily we have the delight of their jeers, whistles and ‘ooo-look-afemale’ style noises that might be better suited in another kind of steel frame than scaffolding; possibly one of the zoo variety! The cause of my dislike stems from the fact that when a fat, greasy, shirtless beast waves a dirt ridden hand and bellows in my direction, I really struggle with a reaction. I’m currently at the stage of keeping my head down in an attempt to pretend that I haven’t heard and am in fact ‘that deaf’ as I am at pains to conjure up any comeback whatsoever. Do they seriously think we

mind… boys have sprung up from every dark hole, swapping their skater jeans and hoodies for board shorts and sunnies, every bit as vain as the girls about achieving that all over golden glow. Gary has taken his football top off and, unable to sit still, is annoying everyone by kicking his ball into all of the cosy little groups of bathers spread out across Roath Park. He hasn’t put any sun cream on, "don’t want any of that, it’s for queers". The surfer dudes are in their element: people no longer find their scraggly long blonde mops of hair as

a source of amusement, but are realising that it actually looks quite cool. A few boys have even sneaked off to have the odd blonde highlights. As evening draws in, the smell of disposable party-size barbecues wafts through the air as the boys cook value burgers and chicken legs and the girls make Pimm’s. Becks isn’t happy though… she fell asleep in the mid day heat and has fried her neck and shoulders, and Gary has gone inside to sulk in pain as he realises that maybe it isn’t just gay people that need to wear sun cream.

ROOM 101 are going to be so flattered by their attention and turned on by that oh so fetching yellow hard hat that we will immediately invite them back to ours for a night of rampant sex? Errm no, in fact I would rather drink my own piss... something I’m sure they’d recommend. And when they aren’t hanging around the ‘site’ they are spreading their ‘love’ around the streets in their classic car: the white transit. Shirts still off, window open and radio up, they cruise around shouting more wise comments at unsuspecting pedestrians (usually defenceless women). What is it about an ounce of sunshine that increases the libido (and the sweat) of these stone-age men? Are they just playing up to the stereotype or are they really this grotesque? Do these so-called ‘luxury

housing’ companies interview all the builders in South Wales and deliberately pick the fattest, sweatiest, most verbally incompetent variety to cut costs? Dowe really trust these monkeys to erect high story buildings? To top it off, on the odd occasion when no remarks have been hauled in my direction, it turns me slightly self conscious; I begin to wonder if I really look that bad today! So now not only do I dread the positive comments, but the knowing that if I’m not looking best I will certainly hear about it straight away. So if it is possible, can we please put these horrible cave-like creatures into room 101 and replace them with hunky, bronzed twentysomething builders, who us girls can jeer at instead!

May 24 2004

Editorial & Opinion

Page 7

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Now the party’s over By Laura Wright

have just come back from my very last lecture of the term. Normally I am all excited by now at the prospect of spending the next month sunbathing, shopping, lying around in bed, getting drunk, going to Tesco in the middle of the night for ice-cream runs and looking forward to the impending holidays. How different this term is. I am now in my final year and the end of this term signals the end of my last term ever. While the prospect of this may not be a bad one for those of you who will be lying in bed at half past eight next October, contemplating how much longer you can stay in bed before your nine-o-clock lecture (the one you’ve missed the last three weeks), the prospect for me is that soon I must face the last and biggest challenge of my university life…my finals! It’s not hard… I could sit down every day and work but I find myself growing ever more negligent as the

year has flown by. In the last two weeks I have not gone out once and have got drunk only three times, all of which left me with a dire hangover and utterly without the desire to sit in front of my computer. I’m more interest in the prospect of getting greasy kebabs and watching films I’d never before considered such as Miss Congeniality and Lord of the Rings for the umpteenth time. The latter is even more tempting as it will force me away from my work for three whole hours! My bed is the most appealing place in the world and any responsibility has been thrown out the window. Cigarettes, bottles of vodka, Lidl’s 14p "cola" and Domino’s pizza boxes dominate my life as I never thought possible. The evidence of all this piles up in my bin - which I cannot summon up the energy to empty. Why is it that I am becoming so reckless when the outcome of my entire future lies at my fingertips? Excuses pile up everyday but in hindsight they are getting even more pathetic. "I have to go out because I

won’t be here much longer…..I can’t work because I don’t feel very well… What? That DVD that I’ve never heard of before? I have to watch it now!" Each seems perfectly reasonable at the time, until my exams loom upon me and the amount of work I have to do seem more endless and more

“my bed is the most appealing place in the world ” impossible by the moment. The worst thing is that I know I can do it. I know that I can do fine if I set my mind to it. The famous excuse of all I suppose is "I could have done better if I’d have tried!" but I suppose that that is the difference between being clever and being intelligent. Most of us like to claim that we are clever to a certain degree but possessing intelligence is something much more exceptional. Intelligence is all about having the discipline to

actually do the work together with the talent. As the expression goes “genius is ten percent inspiration and ninety percent perspiration” After all, it’s the end result which will be the only thing that can be accounted for; you can’t attach a post script to your curriculum vitae saying "I’d have got a First if I’d have worked harder! I’ve got the potential!" Well that’s not good enough. And the prospect of an employee who could be good, but can’t be bothered isn’t going to excite any recruiter. I am highlighting my own errors in a gross realisation. The time has come where I’ve got to take that dreaded responsibility and stop myself from going out in favour of sitting at my desk working in spite of what I’d rather be doing. Thus our fate and our future rest ahead of us. I’m sure it will all be fine but there’s a few minutes a day that a wave of panic rush over me as I realise how unprepared I am. All may not be lost, after all what are the holidays for? Will definitely start work from now! Well, saying that…student price drinks won’t last forever!

Andy Bey on the Right out of order and the Left left behind T

his article is concerned with two points: firstly the reappearance in these pages of the once fairly regular writings of Andrew Caldicott, a man apparently embittered by the British public’s refusal to embrace the narrow-minded bigotry of the farright; and secondly the near total absence of co-ordinated left-wing political activity within Cardiff student circles, an enterprise typically thought to thrive in university campuses. I had hoped, as no doubt had various other of gair rhydd’s regular readership, that we had finally seen the last of Mr Caldicott’s rabid torrents of prejudice. Imagine my disappointment then to have come across two examples of his familiar brand of misplaced outrage within gair rhydd over the past two weeks. Mr Caldicott’s professed indifference to the fate of the Middle East and it’s inhabitants ("I couldn’t give a shit what happens in the Middle East, nor to the people who live there" p7, GR763) is regrettable; that he is

known to have been a soldier himself is cause for concern should such views be prevalent amongst our armed forces currently stationed there. His call to "pull our boys out now" referring to British soldiers in Iraq, and his uncharitable comments directed at the Students’ Union officers Ms Richards and Ms Bebington in his letter printed in GR762 concerning an article about disparity in holiday leave for male and female sabbatical officers of the Union, paints a picture of a man unable to see a women in any role outside of the home. Were my dog to consume a can’s worth of alphabetti spaghetti and subsequently vomit, she would produce a more cogent and persuasive line of argument than Mr Caldicott. If readers of gair rhydd are to suffer rightwing ideology in the paper it would be preferable for it be contributed by someone able to express such views competently. Strange then, given his inadequacies as a writer, that Mr Caldicott, along with Mark Cobley, has been one of the two most prominent political

voices in gair rhydd this year. What can be said for Mr Caldicott is that he recognises that the gair rhydd is the most effective apparatus for disseminating ideas, political or otherwise, to the student population of Cardiff. Where, we might ask, are all the

“were my dog to consume a can’s worth of alphabetti spaghetti and subsequently vomit... ” left-wing writers and agitators who were once imagined to be almost synonymous with the student press. Even our own ‘Icarus’ who claims to fly "too close to the political flame" and who has been vilified from time to

time by readers who have taken offence at his liberal views, is unabashedly “New” Labour and only last week acted as apologist for Tony Blair, whose political leanings are now transparently anything but leftwing. The current scarcity of sustained and coordinated political activity at Cardiff University is likely to be due in part to the increasingly evident transformation of the Students’ Union. The transformation from a body of representation into a business in which its members are seen first and foremost as consumers and potential sources of revenue; from an environment of student community and action to an emporium of cheap booze and disposable culture. The best of luck however, to the two students running for positions on local council, one of the most direct and effective routes for promoting active change on a local level, and an example to those of us who like to think of ourselves as politically active yet do little save write an article for the student paper.

Student Rant

Andy Wyatt

s a law student I am no stranger to exams. They are an entirely necessary feature of a course designed to prepare students for an extremely competitive career in the legal sector. As any student knows exams are hard at the best of times. That sick feeling in your stomach, the dryness in your throat and that sensation that leaves you wondering whether you need a crap or not. All these things conspire against you to make exams not just the mere task of remembering what you revised, but also a struggle to maintain a level head. These things considered, imagine discovering that a syllabus which you had been assured would be available to you in your examination was nowhere to be seen. In a heightened state of anxiety a natural reaction to the situation would have been that it was all a wind up. I half expected Dom Jolly to appear with his giant phone, at which point we would all laugh, get the syllabus and get on with laying the foundations of our legal career.

“exams are hard at the best of times” Unfortunately for all concerned, Dom was elsewhere. We were forced to wait 15 minutes while promises were made that the syllabus would be found and made available. Needless to say that the tension increased a further couple of notches However waiting 15 minutes was clearly far too long a delay for the exam invigilator’s precious schedule. Consequently we were forced to sit the exam in circumstances blatantly different from those promised by the law school. Saying the delay and the lack of organisation added to the stress would be an understatement. One poor guy passed out at his desk and had to be carried out on a stretcher. The implications of this balls-up went beyond that exam, leading us to think that all subsequent exams would hold nasty surprises. This act of gross negligence has clearly upset many people. Although steps have been taken to provide resits for those who believe they underperformed, no one in the department has said two little words: "we’re sorry".

Fancy a rant? E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Letters

May 24 2004

Page 9

grletters@cf.ac.uk

A fine declaration of TV love Dear gair rhydd, I’m in love! I can’t take it any longer. I just had to write and tell you how much I fancy the wonderful TV Holly. For most of my adult life I have been faced with the frustrating dilemma of having to choose between TV and the fairer sex, often to the detriment of my sex life it must be said. But now I’ve found something that perfectly encapsulates these two conflicting areas of my life; the golden Aphrodite of the televisual arts that is TV Holly.

Don’t think that my feelings for TV Holly are purely due to this fortunate convenience gair rhydd, oh no. She has so many of the admirable qualities that I look for in a woman; she’s funny, has a healthy regard for TV scheduling and has no idea I exist. She is also, I’m willing to bet, damned fine. Oh what I’d give to share just one night with this goddess of the goggle box! I’d heat us up a romantic candlelit TV dinner for two, followed by an evening watching EastEnders at 8 on BBC1, or if it’s too late for that, Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps at 9.30 on BBC2. Then we would retire to my boudoir to make sweet, sweet TV love (repeated Sunday on ITV2). How I long to kiss those divine TV

lips and gaze into her beautiful square eyes. If you were mine TV Holly, I would massage your feet every night until you fell asleep, I would take you for long moonlit walks along the Gower and I would shower you with chocolates and roses. You would want for nothing, not even those channels you have to pay extra for on Sky Digital. To prove this is not a hollow declaration of love gair rhydd, if this is made letter of the week I will use my cinema tickets to take TV Holly to see the film of her choice and so win the heart of my beloved (as long as it doesn’t clash with Emmerdale). Thank you gair rhydd, you’ve been a wonderful listener. Now I’m off to read TV Holly’s characteristically pithy remarks on Rownd a Rownd. What a babe! Yours wistfully, A lovesick fool TV Holly says... I pity you. You fool! I’m too diseased for your sweet sentiments. And I used to be a man. P.S. I’ll meet you at Abygale’s.

Aww... It would be criminal of me to refuse this beautifully constructed declaration of TV love and a couple of free movie seats. As usual. Letter of the Week will receive two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They will be available for collection from the gair rhydd office, on the top floor of the union building.

The gair rhydd letters page Another week, another letters page. Thank you to those who have found time in this hectic exam period to put down the revision and scribe me a letter. However much I appeciate your efforts, like the rest of Cardiff I’m getting sick of hearing about sport. At the end of the day, some people are going to like rugby, the others football. Ranting about these sports related issues in my page isn’t going to change a whole lot. So please, stop letting Sports Desk dominate Letters Desk; they enjoy the power too much. On a more positive note, it’s lovely to see that our very own TV Holly is loved so much. Maybe this issues Letter of the Week will entice a couple more of you to put fingers to keyboard and let everyone know who’s you’re favourite, or most hated, member of gr staff. Perri of £15,000 annual budget while Uni football only gets £900. Where does it all go? Oliver Smith, 3rd Year Accounting Yeah, nice one Oliver, I presume you play IMG rugby, in which case, stop your pedantic whinging, get off your arse and send us results, because without them there is nothing we can do but laugh at your petiness. Love, the sports monkeys xx

Miraculously Letters Desk has been sent a letter not about sport Dear gair rhydd, Did you know there is no CCTV inside Solus? No? Neither did I until the other night when I got punched in the face and my friend’s nose got broken by some guy. I came round after getting floored and didn’t really know what the hell was going on until someone pushed me in the direction of the foyer telling me to make a report to security. Then the memories started coming back to me. Anyway, after speaking to the union bouncers who weren’t the most cooperative, I asked if they had any CCTV inside Solus to back up my perspective of events. “There is no CCTV inside Solus, it is against union policy” and then some other stuff about our rights. I’m sorry, but I doubt that I am alone in thinking that a place funded by alcohol sales is going to expect some drunken violence every now and again. Not to have CCTV in a place like that is damn right irresponsible. I think there should be a change in union policy to allow CCTV into Solus. I don’t believe that it infringes anyone’s rights and would only add to the student populations safety. Any place in town would provide adequate security but currently we have a second rate system. It’s despicable, especially as we are the UK’s largest Students’ Union and Solus is Cardiff’s second biggest nightclub. Let us all send praise to the Union’s allseeing, ever vigilant security team who, whilst swarming around a massive argument between two people, failed to take any action whatsoever when my friend got head butted. 3rd Year COMSC A union spokesman revealed: “We

recognise that there are currently holes in our CCTV coverage, we are currently tendering contracts in order to fit equipment over the summer. This should be in place by early September”

Sports are sending subliminal wrestling messages, apparently Dear gair rhydd, It is my contention that the Sports pages have been subtly trying to make references to WWE wrestling over the past few weeks in their headlines. For what effect I can only guess. The best speculation would be either that it's a secret competition they're running or a secret message of support to wrestling fans to let them know that, although not covered in the Sports pages, wrestling is not forgotten. Two weeks ago we had 'Red Mist', an odd headline whose puntasticity didn't really seem to fit the story, unless, of course, you are aware of Japanese grappler Yoshihiro Tajiri who uses various coloured 'mists' to disable his opponents in the ring. This week the cricket had a slightly more fitting headline of 'Jack Hammered'. This could have been referencing cricket player Ian Jack, unless you are aware of the game Sports are playing and realise that it was much more likely a nod towards the finishing move of international wrestling superstar Bill Goldberg known as the 'Jackhammer'. This wrestling-related referencing is a fantastic addition to the sports pages and I can't wait to see what the next one is! Mr. Wrestling II. 3rd year,Cathays. Yes, you are right, up here in GR towers we dig the spandex feast of wrestling, can’t get enough of it. I’m so

Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

pleased I have finally found someone who shares my love of groping scantily clad men. Actually no, it’s really gay you weirdo.

Anybody notice a theme emerging here? Dear gair rhydd, While I didn’t actually read Lee Jones’ letter March 15th, I must admit he does have a point about the disproportionate sport coverage in gair rhydd. I have read nearly every edition for the last 2 years and I can only remember a few times when IMG rugby was mentioned. That was once when an article about IMG football not having decent referees pointed out that IMG rugby uses qualified refs. The only other time I can remember was when a small article near the end of last term reported on the league play-off decider between CARBS and SAWCA. This got approximately 2-3 column inches and the league table was printed at the same time next to it. Of course this wasn’t really the league table, just one team had the correct name, (SAWCA). The other team names were taken from IMG football Division 3 I believe, and as for the points/matches played etc. I seem to remember that all the stats were 0! Compare this to IMG football and netball which gets at least half a page of articles/interviews/reports/pictures every week plus accurate (or so I’m lead to believe) league tables and big full page stories about the league decider games, not to mention some bullshit half page diagram about how the league position changed at half time compared to full time. I know that there are only about 10 IMG rugby teams compared to 20+ IMG football teams but it really pisses me off week after week to see nothing about IMG rugby. I’m pretty sure that IMG rugby receives none of this huge amount of money John Stanton says University rugby get. As a side note, I find it hard to believe that Uni rugby gets in excess

And yet more sport Dear gair rhydd, Saturday the 13th March saw the Athletics Union Awards Dinner take place. Held in the Union, it is a chance for the university and student community to celebrate its best and most talented sportspeople. It should be one of the highlights of the university calendar; we should be proud of our best. And yet, I was disappointed to look through the subsequent issues of gair rhydd and find that this event was not even mentioned. I am not a sportsman; hell, I am a fat musician, but I can still see the importance of an event like this. I

was actually in attendance (as I am the keyboard player of the band that played) and I have to say that it was a truly amazing event. The décor, food, music and the awards themselves were a testament to the university: in my opinion, Tom Brown (AU president) should feel proud. I withheld this letter in the hope that you would see fit to redress the balance, but this was not the case. This dismay was exacerbated when I noticed that there were two pages devoted to the Media Awards. Whilst I know that the final week of the IMG football may be important to the student population and to the gair rhydd editorship, and that it is vitally important that you dedicate a half-page spread to Ben Wright’s life-changing rowing experiences, in the future, please acknowledge events like this. I for one feel proud of my university and feel we should celebrate the achievements of our sporting crème de la crème, rather than ignore the event completely. Sam M, 3rd Year Music Well my fat friend, read the last issue where there was an interview with one of the winners. Also, a write up of the event would have been really dull. Sorry.

Text 07791165837 Claire is romancing her marmite, now would not be a good time 2 collect ur pegs.

In response to ‘hannah is a lady’. She’s not

Does this look like a platypuss?

Alex macpherson clearly went to public school and I’m pretty certain he played soggy biscuit there

What is that RAC guy down the high street actually for? 1st yr engin. What the fuck is john counsell on about? I thought that’s what uni was about

P.J: my dogging shame

Where has jo gone in neighbours, please tell me what the hell? drink the bar dry- 4th june my exams don’t finish til 5th

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - I will endeavour to print anything that I think is worthwhile, but please remember that I do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. The views expressed in these letters are not usually the views of letters desk or gair rhydd.

Political Opinion Ed Williams on euro-withdrawl

May 24 2004

Page 10

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

KIP is a party whose rather sad aim is to make Britain great by pulling us out of the EU - disastrous. Robert Kilroy "How’d you feeeel" -Silk (you must have seen Alistair McGowan to get that) and his party view the European Union as something our country needs to be "saved" from, with immigration out of control, and the unelected beaurocrats of Brussels blah, blah, blah. Rather than trying to appeal to reason both the BNP and UKIP, try and get into people’s guts by rallying calls to protect Britishness and stir nationalistic feeling. Their manifestos and aims may differ but their logic is the same. At core, they are sceptical to other patterns of thought, wish to preserve the status quo, and make out that mysterious outside forces are threatening us. I want to suggest that although the political structure of the EU may not move a person in the same way as tribal calls can it can still appeal to a bright future. Whilst there has been much care over the years to maintain states optouts and inter-governmentalism, Europe (that includes Britain) is legally federal. Simply put, we all have dual citizenship; we can appeal to the mechanisms of our state and also appeal to a European ombudsman or even the European court of justice. Nevertheless, of course Europe is not yet like the USA as states have many specific areas of competence. Indeed the Council of Ministers, with ministers of each state battle it out alongside the European Commission. The democratically elected European Parliament is important to both the areas of legislation calling the Commission to account. It may seem a minefield of beaurocracy and prevarication but that is political reality at the moment and it guards against any abuses of power or destabilising decisions.

“No individual country is strong enough to go it alone in the 21st Century” No individual country is strong enough to go it alone in the 21st century, but generally speaking, (I do that a lot) the areas of exclusive EU competence are pretty much those to do with maintaining economic stability, global relations and ensuring that states abide by EU laws. Europe now has free movement of peoples, protection of human rights, free trade and of course, no wars! This has been done without needing

to prevent better welfare for all citizens. In fact the EU actually contributes to relieving unemployment amongst other things. The EU is constantly trying to make its procedures more transparent whilst CAP is slowly being scrutinised as are ways that it can be a fairer player in global trade. As citizens we can influence these decisions.

Czech Republic

“popular consciousness hasn’t moved with the times” I believe that with the proposed constitution, upcoming elections and the Iraq situation (as Glenn Hoddle would call it) we can take a national pause for thought. As well as pointing out the wider advantages of the EU, those in favour must also point out its daily ones; such as job security, economic stability and rights as a citizen. It seems to me that those in favour of the EU aren’t the ones guilty of utopia chasing. In fact it is UKIP, the BNP or other little Englanders that are unwittingly doing the theorizing as they wish to take us to some forgotten land where things were always better. If you go to www.Europaworld.org then click on constitution, and then citizens’ guide, you will find a way of avoiding reading the real thing. It clearly says in the citizen’s guide that we have "wealth of national and local cultures that distinguish them from one another" and in the constitution itself (p6) that the EU is "united in [its] diversity." I want to confer that people within a territory can maintain their shared identity with common history, maintain self governance while being part of a federal Europe. This is what subsidiarity is all about and is a guiding EU principle. The constitution will clarify the rights of citizens and competences of the EU and states. One can recognise that although the EU aims high it is very much the tangible and realistic choice for each state. It is unfortunate that in Britain we remain subjects without a constitution. British democracy and popular consciousness hasn’t moved with the times, and these matters mean a slow process for Britain’s role in Europe. The big step now, after enlargement has settled down, is how we may come to feel European citizens – as well as Welsh, English, French or Polish etc. Many are fearful of this, but I suggest embracing it. Nationstates have been a means to an end but are not the be-all and end-all and political structuring must always be under scrutiny. I hope at least that people will realise that the EU is not some mysterious dark shadow that wishes to engulf us.

This landlocked country, nestled between Poland, Slovakia, Austria and Germany, has long played a pivotal role in the history of Central Europe. Its location and history have formed the national character and culture, which have both Germanic and Slavic elements. The "Czech lands" are well known for their long-established tradition of making high quality beer and in the cities of Plzen (Pilsen) and Ceské Budejovice one can find some of the country's most famous breweries. There is also a rich culinary tradition with influences from other countries in the Central European region, such as the German, Hungarian and Polish cuisine. Unfortunately, in 1997 and 2002 major floods caused extensive damage to cities, including to Prague in 2002, and to widespread rural areas across the country.

Estonia Estonia is mostly flat, with many lakes and islands, although in the south there are rolling hills and skiing is possible in towns like Otepää. In the east of Estonia, lake Peipus, the 4th largest lake in Europe, forms a natural frontier with Russia. On the western coast, the islands and islets have been designated a UNESCO Biosphere Reserve and are a mecca for Estonians and tourists alike during the summer. Across Estonia, much of the land is farmed or forested, with industrial production concentrated around Tallinn, the capital city. Saunas in Estonia are a national institution. One theory is that the sauna evolved as a sun substitute, giving Estonians the psychological benefits of intense heat during the long, dark months of the year. Estonia is the leading country for internet connections per capita among the associate members of the European Union.

University euro-pressure By Caroline Farwell

ritish universities will be facing high increases in foreign applications following the EU’s expansion earlier this month. The predicted growth in demand comes as EU borders extend eastward, allowing the free movement of citizens from new member states into western nations. The influx of European students is expected to intensify competition for British candidates. Such fears have been built up amid inflated headlines from tabloid newspapers warning of ‘university invasions’ and increased pressures on the British tax payer. But is such a hostile reaction necessary? In view of the introduction of top-up fees (that will ease any pressure on taxes) and the apparently ‘unchallenging’ process of acquiring a university place it appears as though the lurid claims are unjustified. A report conducted by the Higher Education Policy Institute (HEPI) claims that there would be clear benefits for Britain and the economy. The expected rise in demand from new EU countries is projected to contribute

considerably to the British economy and is welcomed by universities across the country. HEPI’s report predicts that between 20,000 and 30,000 European students will have arrived by the end of the decade. The current figure of undergraduates from the new countries stands at 5000.

“The rate of university expansion will have to double” The institute has acknowledged that there will be an increase in competition for places, and added that "if the Government does not provide the extra places for EU students, some of these will be displacing UK students". So what about the financial implications of the predicted influx? Prior to the expansion, students from candidate

countries were required to pay up to £8000 in fees every year. Now these countries have entered into the EU, students are to pay the same as British undergraduates. From 2006 the Government will loan EU students up to £3,000 in topup fees which will be repaid on the same terms as home students, as soon as their annual earnings exceed £15,000. Funding has however not been allocated for students from the new countries for 2004/05, meaning that universities must accept the costs. If the supply of university places expands to meet this increased demand then the Government’s objectives will be achieved. However, the target of getting 50% of young people into higher education by 2010 is looking highly unrealistic given the pressure it places on funding. The rate of university expansion will have to double to accommodate the additional 250,000 places needed. More money is required to finance this change in higher education; a problem that will continue to plague British universities for years to come, and will certainly not be eliminated by the end of the decade.

Next week’s pages will continue to look at Europe and the EU. If you want to write for the politics section email your articles and suggestions to gropinions@cf.ac.uk. Alternatively, come along to the weekly politics and opinion editorial meeting: Tuesdays, 5:15pm, in the GR Office

Political Opinion

May 24 2004

Page 11

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

EU enlargement overview By Caroline Farwell & AJ Silvers

Poland The Polish state is over 1,000 years old. In the XVIth century, under the Jagiellonian dynasty, Poland was one of the richest and most powerful states on the continent. On May 3, 1791 the Commonwealth of PolandLithuania ratified a constitution. In 1989 the first partially free elections in Poland's post-war history concluded the Solidarity movement's ten-year struggle for freedom and resulted in the defeat of Poland's communist rulers. In 1999 Poland joined NATO and began negotiating its full membership in the European Union. Dominant industries include metalwork, steel, and chemical and textile production. Increasingly trade, high technology and the service sector play an important role in for employment and restructuring of the national economy.

Hungary Hungary is a landlocked country in Central Europe and has a population of 10.2 million. The country is situated on the Danube River which forms part of its northwestern border with Slovakia and provides its most important transport route. Hungary’s largest city is the capital Budapest, which is the centre for political, cultural, economic and industrial activity. In the late 1990s the country welcomed strong economic growth following the voluntary abandonment of the monopoly held by Communist rulers in 1989. In April 1999 Hungary became part of NATO, and in 2003 the country sent 300 troops to support the peacekeeping efforts in Iraq.

Slovakia Slovakia was originally part of Czechoslovakia, existing under Communist rule for almost 42 years. In 1989 the newly elected president for Czechoslovakia implemented political reforms, bringing the country into a state of parliamentary democracy. Following antagonism between the two republics, two fully independent democracies were established, officially establishing the Republic of Slovakia on January 1st 1993. The Slovak Republic has a population of 5.4 million and since its formation it has experienced difficulty in adapting to a modern market-orientated economy. However economic growth is expected to accelerate to 4% this year and the country’s involvement in EU, US and NATOled operations is predicted to rise.

Slovenia The Republic of Slovenia lies at the heart of Europe where the Alps and the Mediterranean meet the Pannonian plains. It is a small country with a population of 2 million people and extends for 32 kilometres along the Adriatic Sea. It gained its independence from Yugoslavia in June 1991 and officially became recognised by the EU as an independent state in January 1992. Known for its natural beauty, great wines and delicious traditional food Slovenia is another popular destination for tourists. Slovenia is one of the most prosperous of the new Member States, with average salary figures close to those of Portugal. It is the only part of the former Yugoslavia to join the EU so far.

Malta

Malta is one of the most densely populated countries in the world and has a population of 0.4 million people. It comprises three islands in the centre of the Mediterranean and is described as a melting pot of civilisations from Europe and the African continent. The sunny islands of Malta, Gozo and Comino make up the Maltese archipelago and generate high profits from tourism and manufacturing industries. Natural resources are almost nonexistent but developments in the service economy and communications mean that the country will soon become a valuable asset to the EU.

Lithuania Lithuania is located at the western end of the East European Plain, on the shores of the Baltic Sea. It is 65301 km squared, almost twice the size of the Netherlands. This makes Lithuania the biggest of the three Baltic States. he geographical centre of Europe lies in Lithuania, 20 kilometres north of Vilnius. The most beautiful part of Lithuania is the famous Curonian spit, Lithuania's "tiny Sahara". Registered as a Unesco world heritage site in December 2000, the Curonian lagoon and spit were formed 5000 years ago by the churning waves of the restless Baltic Sea: Lithuania has an outstanding sports record. The national basketball team is among the leading teams in the world: in 1997 the women's team won the European Championship in Budapest and the men's teams brought home several Olympic medals.

Cyprus The third largest island in the Mediterranean, Cyprus lies at the crossroads for Europe, Asia and Africa. The Republic of Cyprus gained its independence from Britain in 1960. However, following a decade of political crisis and inter-community violence, in 1974 the country was partitioned into two parts, separating the Greek and Turkish Cypriot communities. Today it remains divided but still boasts a modern economy and advanced infrastructure. In addition to its developed industrial and agricultural sectors, economic activities such as banking, tourism and the craft trade are central to the country’s wealth.

Latvia Latvia is largely a fertile lowland with numerous lakes and hills to the east. It is as large in area as Belgium and the Netherlands together. It is a land of forests, plains, lakes, river valleys and white sandy beaches. The main river is the Daugava, which played an important role in trade. About one third of the population lives in the capital city Riga and its surroundings. Other important cities are Daugavpils, Liepaja and Jelgava August 1991 Latvia regained its independence. This was followed by the installation of democracy and of a market economy. An intensive co-operation emerged with democratic nations, including and foremost European Countries and the European Union. This process is leading to Latvia’s accession in 2004 to both NATO and the European Union.

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Jobs & Money

Page 14

May 24 2004

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Take control of the wheel By Mike Bailey

elieve it or not, having a driving licence could just clinch you that great job after university. It is surprising just how many job adverts state: "Must have clean driving licence," or "Clean driving licence an advantage," as part of the applicant description, even if the job does not directly involve driving. A licence shows employers that you are trust-worthy, careful and mature enough to handle the stressful situations which occur frequently on the roads. It is advisable to try and pass your driving test before you leave University and enter the jobs market. Outlined below are the first steps towards getting your licence. Being able to drive gives you a certain amount of freedom. You are able to pretty much go where you want, when you want. There’s no need to ask your mates for a lift, you don’t have to wait ages for a bus or train, you can travel, visit relatives or just cruise around in the sun (what little there is anyway). By way of introduction, my name is Mike Bailey and I run a driving school based in the Cardiff area. I have 16 years of driving experience and am a fully qualified ADI (driving instructor). Getting to the stage where you hold a full licence means overcoming some challenges along the way. The first question is which driving school do I choose? The first challenge is to decide upon a driving school. Remember that to a certain extent you get what you pay for, but the most expensive schools are not necessarily the best ones to use for your particular requirements. For example, if you were working in your chosen field, would you honestly give as much of yourself for £15 an hour as you would for £25 an hour? Depends on what motivates you I guess. But there is normally some sort of catch to the cheaper offers you see in the papers. Some lessons may be less than one hour so they can offer them more cheaply. Other lesson prices start low then

News in brief Enter the Hoffmeister

Remember that oiled gorilla from Baywatch, David Hasselhoff? Well he’s still alive and is planning to release a hip-hop album, produced by friend and neighbour Ice-T. Hasselhoff, now 51 years old, is said to have had some success in Germany with his previous SEVEN albums. (How did we miss all seven? Travesty.) Ice-T reckons that David is "a legend" and refers to him as "Hassle the Hoff" or just "The Hoff" for short. Ghetto innit.

Couple told about sex DRIVING: Are you the next Jenson Button? jump up after, say, five hours. Once you are settled with that school it may be hard for you to switch. The long-term costs are also an important consideration. Yes, some schools offering lessons for less than £15 an hour may seem attractive, but they may also attract the lesser quality instructors. This will perhaps result in pupils needing more hours of lessons in order to pass the test, compared to a school offering lessons at £22 an hour with better quality and more highly motivated instructors. Secondly do they give assistance on the theory and hazard perception tests? A lot of schools say they do but it normally equates to each instructor being left to their own devices. Some may only ask a few questions on a lesson. Pupils really benefit from structured training in these areas which involves some help to understand what exactly is required to pass the test. Remember you have to pass both parts of the theory at the same sitting before you can even book up your practical test so this is a very important part of your training and often it is wrongly left to the pupil to train themselves. Next, what other training aids do they offer? It’s all very well having a lesson every

week, but how much of it are you really going to remember? Certainly not 100% of it. Handouts come in useful by covering what you have just learned so you can go over it again in your own time. This leaves you with more time to learn the practical side of driving in lessons, rather than the theoretical side. How about being able to watch your lessons on video in your own time? How much would you learn from that? How much quicker do you think you would reach test standard using the above methods than not using them? How much money do you think you could save long term using a driving school that offers all of this and more? An important question is how often should I have lessons? Factors which will determine this include: a) the amount of spare time you have for lessons; b) the amount of money you have to invest in your driving future; c) your own deadline for when you want to hold a full licence. For instance you may need to have a full licence to get a particular job you are after, you may want to pass before you leave university so you can drive home in

rs a jacket. And yet you spend 37 hou e. week in an offic I heard something the other day. By Alex Dove sick which made me feel physically earn ll pbe Cam Sol a like rly rs nea balle for Top foot worked Y It is truly an achievement to have . £70,000 a week. That’s SEVENT year and to have barely broken even to five I had high GRAND. A WEEK! nine my realised that it was Last June when I star ted Christmas and sav- Not being a football guru I hadn’t hopes of paying off my overdraft by to go travelling. I quite this much. n just because ing up for a holiday or even enough I mean what the hell is going on wheher ball around manage to pay back leat wasn’t naïve enough to think I’d lled air-fi an ing k I’d actually have a guy is good at kick of money (but he’s any of my student loan, but I did thin he is given an obscene amount Well I’m sorr y but no hard labour. ’s year a for show to ey mon e som Ed.). nder defe e was t som draf awe over an my But Christmas came and althoughoriginal four, it did- suchshould have that amount of money. It’s just wrong. one fight crime or save down to three figures instead of the Especially if they’re not using it to buying. n’t last with the frenzy of present than I was before. star ving children. I’d rather see road sweepers paid A year on I am no better off g something worth12 months of what that much. At least they are doin Although, I have gained a valuable h I suppose money while. ever ything but people call "life experience", whic experience" simOK. Rant over. I know money isn’t y for a fairly enjo ’t can’t buy. I have worked out that "life don ent; ie. no weekday when you’re doing a job you ply means not being a lazy studnapping, no interest wank wage it does grate somewhat. My advice is ey or a job you drinking, no more daytime TV or rience if you ask either do a job you enjoy for little mon free loans…it’s not much of an expefuture. ey. hate for loads of mon ntage to workme. But it is life for the foreseeable At least that way there’ll be one adva of scrimping and get paid a lot and I’m damn tired after four years ent it was all part two the bine com ible poss if ing. And saving. When will it end? As a stud with the Student for doing something you love. of some big game we were playingWe were all in it And on that note, here are some wise words from the Loans Company and the Banks. erate there were master of witty cynicism, Spike Milligan: it does bring you together and if you were really desp to get really boring "Money can’t buy you happiness, but always hardship loans. But it star ts holiday or a new a more pleasant form of misery." not being able to afford a summer ga

Postcards from the Real World

the holidays and at weekends (or get away in the opposite direction) or you may want to use the summer holiday to learn to drive. Set a realistic time frame and then with some co-operation with the driving school work out how many hours a week you would really need to have a chance of meeting that deadline. Of course if you just want to learn without a particular deadline in mind then that’s fine too. You can do anything from 1 hour a week (or less regularly) to an intensive course lasting for a week, at the end of which you take your test. However, the intensive courses often tend to be unsuccessful. Even if you did pass you would not be totally trained as a driver, because you could not possibly have had enough driving time in order to deal with the huge range of situations safely. The above are a few suggestions that may assist you when choosing a school with which to successfully learn to drive. Please remember you should not be taught just to pass the test, but to drive safely for LIFE. If you have anything you would like to discuss regarding this or any learner matter you can contact me, Mike Bailey of TDC on 07981 340920.

JOB FILE

OK, so this is not strictly related to jobs or money news but it’s far too good to be missed. A German couple went to a fertility clinic because they had failed to conceive after eight years of marriage. The doctors checked them out and couldn’t understand why they hadn’t managed to have children as they were both perfectly fertile. When asked how often they had sex, the couple just looked completely blank and said "what do you mean?" The couple were unaware of the physical requirements necessary to procreate. Apparently they’d been brought up in a strictly religious environment. Both in their thirties, they are now being given sex therapy lessons.

Gun play at eBay

eBay sent a handgun to a student instead of the MP3 player he’d bought. The Canadian student phoned the police as soon as he saw the package contained an unloaded 22-calibre Smith & Wesson gun. He said: "I’m not a hit man. I was mostly confused about it all." He should have kept it and used it to shoot David Hasselhoff before his album reaches the shops.

Arnie upset by dolls

“The brain is a

wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.”

Robert Frost

Money Talks “You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” Dolly Parton

Arnie Schwarzenegger is suing the toy company which produced these spoof dolls in his image. The company says the bobblehead doll is a political joke and that some of the profits are going to a cancer charity. But Arnie is not amused. His lawyers say that only he has the rights to his “valuable image”. If you have any careers or money questions or just want to comment on this page, email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Free Stuff

May 24 2004

Page 15

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

un, heat waves and holidays are finally here, and Miss Selfridge have a new line of clothing to get you in the mood and out of the house. With a 10% discount for students, splashing out on a hot new summer outfit won’t break the bank! Miss Selfridge’s summer collection introduces several fresh and vibrant new themes, including Fluoro Exotica, Madam Butterfly and Romantic Fantasy: all of which are available in the Cardiff store. A sneak preview of these three sizzling styles can be seen to the right. What’s more, Miss Selfridge has re-launched its Online Boutique, so you can shop ‘til you drop by just lifting a finger and try the outfits on in the privacy of your own home, without semi-

Some like it hot...

naked girls running about comparing lingerie and accidentally banging into each other, all naked and lovely. Sorry, I let the image take me away there. Back to the competition... The Online Boutique means shoppers can check out the latest trends from the comfort of their keyboard. Choosing from an exclusive selection of skirts, tops, jeans and footwear across several key looks. For more information visit the Miss Selfridge Online Boutique at www.missselfridge.co.uk. Website fanatics can also get fashion tips at the site by clicking into Style Talk, or span the Decades of Fashion for a glimpse of yesteryear. An animated store locator map even means Miss Selfridge girls can track their favourite store across the globe.

Summer collections Fluoro Exotica brings a strong 1960s resort vibe, where exotic flowers and tropical prints of birds and butterflies in a bold graphical format, create an explosion of colour for a hot summer. Madam Butterfly combines Kimono styles with Kaftans and tunics with low backs and asymmetric lines creating sexy silhouettes for a soft and feminine, yet bold evening look. Romantic Fantasy is inspired by the 1920s and 1940s and has a feeling of romance and fairy tales. Layers of delicate lace, chiffon and silk are embellished with diamante brooches, corsages and ribbons. All can be mixed with sheer knits for girly glam or denim for a more modern twist.

Cleaning up Cardiff

ou Lynx Recover shower gel (£2.19 shower gel. stink. for a 250ml bottle) is packed full of Of course we’re an altruistic operLet’s Mg-02 (magnesium and oxygen to ation here at gair rhydd and we want not beat common folk) to give a well needed the gel to go to the most deserving around the boost first thing in the morning. Its reader... bush (especially zesty fragrance also helps you wake not yours). This up and perk up, no matter how big is the ideal comthe night was and no matter what the So to be in with a chance of petition grabbing a year’s supfor you. ply of Lynx Recover, Yeah, you with the send us photos showgreasy hair, sweat ciring just how dirty you cles on your shirt and are (keep it clean crusty pants that even though …er, you the washing machine’s know what I mean). started rejecting. But all’s not lost, Drop the pics into the because Lynx are offering Competitions pigeonyou the chance to clean up hole, or email them to your act for a whole year the address at the (what you do after that is head of the page (as neither Lynx’s, nor our long as the files concern). aren’t too big). Just think, you’ll no longer empty rooms as May the filthiest soon as you enter or wake up in the night screaming Barry wishes he’d heard about Lynx Recover earlier student win. as your nose loses its fight against your own festering stench. fiend next to you, that you barely Lynx, the UK’s leading male remember asking back to yours, grooming brand, is set to get men looks like.. across the nation hot-footing it to So we’ve teamed up with their bathrooms with the launch of Lynx to offer one particularthe new revitalising Lynx Recover ly filthy reader the chance shower gel. Created to help blokes to stay clean for a year, and wash away the night before and get cater for all 365 of those ready for the day ahead, Lynx hangovers (or 9 o’clock Recover is a must for the Lynx lad’s starts) with a whole year’s 24/7 hedonistic lifestyle. supply of Lynx Recover

To celebrate the launch of Miss Selfridge online Boutique, the High Summers Collection and life in general, we’ve teamed up with Miss Selfridge to give you the chance to win £25 worth of vouchers to spend in the store on the fabulous new collection.

So for your chance to win the vouchers and get yourself a stunning new summer outfit, log onto the Online Boutique at www.missselfridge.co.uk and find out the answer to the following mindnumbingly, spirit-crushingly simple question: Q. WHAT TWO WAYS CAN YOU SHOP AT MISS SELFRIDGE ONLINE?

To enter put your answer and contact details on the back of a postcard, slip of paper or a clean white thong. Alternatively, you can enter by email to the address at the top of the page. What are you waiting for?

What’s it all about Alfie?

Each week on this page I ask my good readers questions, giving them the chance to win prizes if their knowledge can equal mine. People say to me: “Do you not get fed up with knowing all the answers? Does it not magnify your sense of grandure and superiority and give you the impression that you are the fountain of all wisdom?” Well yeh, I guess it does. Which is why I’ve decided to raise questions that even I don’t know the answers to, and at the same time highlight serioius concerns about the state of the world today. Why do you never hear the headline: ‘Psychic wins lottery’? Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the ‘terminal’? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructable black box? Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouths closed? Should we be worried that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

POST-MATCH ANALYSIS Round up! Prizes! Check below to see if you’ve won anything. Sorry for wasting your time if you haven’t, but don’t lose faith. The answer to the Blue Dragon competition was, er... Blue Dragon. The winners are Liz Randell, Laura Carter, Nick Swallow, Luke Hilson, Kate Neal, John Holmes, Gary Andrews, Nicola Herwin, Matt Greening and Craig Driver. The Bedrock/Nokia answer was Sunday 17th April. The winner is Steven Tylee. The winner of my job goes to Sheryl Plant. grab! will be in her trusty hands next term (so don’t come knocking at my door if you don’t get your prizes!) All winners will be notified by email when their prizes are ready for collection.

Media

Page 16

May 24 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

MIRROR IMAGES

How abuse pictures spelt the end for Piers Morgan

By Will Dean Media Correspondent

iers Morgan’s acrimonious departure from Fleet Street began with the Saturday May 1 publication of the Daily Mirror. The front page carried images passed on to the Mirror’s editor by former members of the Queen’s Lancashire Regiment. The pictures claimed to show the torture of Iraqi prisoners by members of the Regiment. The pictures sent shockwaves throughout Westminster, the Armed Forces and the public. The validity of the pictures wasn’t questioned within the first few hours of publication although "experts" such as Top-Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson, writing in The Sun on Saturday 15, made it clear that he could tell the invalidity of the pictures straight away. Despite Clarkson’s claims, it was a while before other military experts and prominent journalists began to question the authenticity of the snaps. Morgan said he stood by the pictures and would be quite happy to be questioned by the Royal Military Police. As doubt about the pictures grew, the stances of Morgan and the Mirror subtly changed. In the first few days after the photos and interviews with unknown soldiers claiming to be witnesses to the abuse were published the editor maintained that the photographs were genuine. Hereafter Morgan used what has been dubbed the "Gilligan Defence", after Andrew’s Gilligan’s Today report, which led to the Hutton inquiry. Writing in The Guardian on May 10 he claimed the question of whether British troops

had abused Iraqi prisoners, which had been reported before the Mirror story broke, outweighed the importance of whether the photographs had been staged or not. Despite this he still made it clear he staunchly believed in the veracity of the pictures. The next day the defence secretary, Geoff Hoon, claimed for the first time that the pictures were fakes. When asked by Jon Snow on Channel 4 news the minister replied that it would "appear to be the case". He then made clear the newspaper and Morgan would have to explain their actions as to why they have "perpetrated this hoax". The Mirror then issued their own rebuttal claiming they remained: “Absolutely confident that those pictures accurately illustrate a serious abuse.” The paper still seemed determined to defend its position in the face of sustained criticism from commentators and the public. There were arguments made questioning the validity of the photos, focussing on the equipment used in the photos. The shoe lacing of the soldiers pictured wasn’t ‘regulation’, while the gun and truck were unused in Iraq. These flaws were pointed out by former Lt Col John Downham, who was subsequently gagged by the MoD, as they investigated the allegations of abuse. In the meantime Fleet Street and its former luminaries were divided over whether or not to support Morgan. Andrew Gowers of the Financial Times claimed that in the same position he would resign forthwith. Former Express and Independent editor Rosie Boycott believed that when allegations of falsity were made the paper should have stood back. But Peter Preston, a former

HOAX: The controversial Daily Mirror front page Guardian editor, made it clear that everyone should pause before condemning Morgan and take time to weigh up the evidence; was he hoaxed, and did he know it? Other news chiefs weren’t quite as generous in their defence of Morgan. The headline in the May 4 edition of the Express was simply "Liars" anchored by a story branding the photos as fakes. Morgan responded by saying it was "Like being called a half-wit by the

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village idiot". The BBC, in a show of post-Hutton conservatism reported doubts over whether the photographs could be verified. Morgan called it one of the most challenging, exciting and ultimately important weeks of his ten years of editing. It seemed like he had used another of his nine lives to survive calls for his head. Then on May 14 Trinity Mirror, the owners of the Mirror, issued a statement apologising "unreservedly" for the publication of the photos, and that Morgan would be removed from his position with immediate effect to be temporarily replaced by his deputy editor, Des Kelly. After a week in which the Mirror had managed the unusual feat of occuping the top three stories on news bulletins. The shareholders of the Trinity board had decided that some publicity can, after all, be bad publicity. After meeting with board officials to be informed of his fate, Morgan, who still refused to apologise for publishing the pictures, was escorted from Canary Wharf by security staff. The former boss was not even given the dignity of saying farewell to his loyal staff. He even had to ring a friend to pick up his wallet and other possessions from his office. It seems a fairly fitting end to the career on one of Britain’s most outspoken and high profile journalists. The Mirror was chastised last year as being one of the few newspapers unreservedly opposed to war in Iraq, yet Morgan stuck to his guns despite the fall in readership. It would seem that the man determined to get more scoops than his rivals managed to cause the biggest yet, his own departure. With the publication of a book on the agenda and a man keen to keep himself in the public eye, it seems unlikely we have seen the end of Mr Piers Morgan.

Piers in profile By GaryAndrews Media Editor

o his admirers he was one of the best tabloid editors of his generation; to his detractors he was a reckless publicity-seeker. But regardless of the differing opinions about him it was clear that Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan was never going to quietly step down from his position. Before the Iraq picture hoax scandal Morgan had already got into several scrapes that would have finished off lesser editors. He started his Mirror career the ‘Actung Surrender’ headline the day before England’s Euro 2004 clash with Germany. This resulted in an apology to the German national team. This was followed by the controversy surrounding the Mirror’s ‘City Slicker’ column, when allegations of insider trading surrounded him after he brought shares the day before they were tipped in the paper. Then there was the Naomi Campbell case, where the Mirror printed photographs of the model leaving a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Campbell promptly sued under the Human Rights Act for breach of privacy but Morgan fought back and robustly defended his paper’s actions. Morgan always seemed a strange choice to edit the Mirror. As a staunch conservative voter in his early days he was known as "True Blue" Piers. But under his editorship the Mirror became even more leftwing, attacking the government on their more rightwing policies and opposing the Iraqi War from the start. Morgan started his career on The Sun after he was spotted by then editor Kelvin MacKenzie, who put him in charge of the Bizarre showbiz column, a job that was to start Morgan’s lovehate affair with celebrities. In 1994 he became the youngest national newspaper editor for 50 years after being given the reins at the News of the World at just 28. Two years later the Mirror came calling and Morgan began to stamp his own indominatable style on the paper. After the September 11 attacks Morgan began to focus on more serious news, which was reflected by dropping the red masthead in favour of a more sombre black and white. The Mirror had its share of successes under Morgan including securing the rights to the story of Paul Burrell. Another triumph occurred in 2003 when reporter Ryan Parry got a job as a footman in Buckingham Palace and exposed royal security failings. In 2001 the Mirror won Newspaper of the Year but no amount of critical praise could protect Morgan over his last furore and the flamboyant editor was shown the door by chief executive Sly Bailey. Morgan had already begun to work on TV programmes while editor of the Mirror, presenting shows about celebrities on both Channel 4 and BBC1. Industry experts all agree it is TV where Morgan is likely to re-surface, but how long the ex-editor choses to lay low for is another question.

Listings

Page 18

May 24 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday24/05 Fun Factory @ SU 9-2am. Free (NUS). Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry. Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play. 8pm £1.50. Coordinated @ Amber Lounge New night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter. 7pm-11pm, £1 (NUS). Showcase 2004 @ Barfly Dave Dave and the Slave, Snork Maiden, The Preferred Method Of Movement £4 adv, doors 7.30pm Teenspirit @ Clwb Ifor Bach 2 Rooms. Room 1 DJs & dancing. Room 2 Loads of ace bands. With bands upstairs featuring The Red October, Chasing Ace, Ironfly, The Story Of How Far, The Lasy Showdown. And DJs downstairs playing the best rock 'n' roll ever! 7.00pm £4 Opera @ The New Theatre Carmen by Bizet. Sung in French with English surtitles 7:15pm (look out for student standby tickets on the night £5 (NUS)) Michael Buble @ St. David’s Hall This major new talent from Canada is taking the world by storm with his special blend of swing classics of the 30s and 40s and modern numbers. Sounds a bit too like the repulsive Jamie Cullem to me. He must be doing well though, it’s sold out and it was £25 a ticket!

Tuesday25/05

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors 9pm £2.50 (NUS). Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, D’n’B with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots. No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11, £1.50 after. SOUL MOTION @ Moloko Heavy Funk, Raw Soul, Tamla Motown, Dancefloor Jazz, Boogaloo. Bar open till 2am,Cocktails £2.95, shots from £1, free entry. 8pm-2am Bounce @ Barfly Drum and bass. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS). Live @ Barfly Carina Round + Damien Dempsey. Carina Round is a British singer songwriter who released her debut album ‘The First Blood Mystery’ in 2001, followed by the astounding ‘Disconnection’ last summer. Like P.J Harvey, Ms. Round builds songs around bluntly strummed guitar chords and implacable drumbeats and she pushes her voice to extremes; she can be sultry, desolate, abstracted or adamant. Beguiling and transfixing. Damien Dempsey is a 28 year old singer/songwriter whose body of work to date is an intricate, hard-hitting social commentary born of the streets of Dublin and coloured by his experiences in New York and London.£8 adv, doors 7.30pm Battle of the bands @ The Toucan Heats for the £1000 prize! 8-1am £5 And in the Acoustic Bar: weekly open mic. session hosted by Lemonsky 8-12.30 £1 from 9pm Live @ Clwb Ifor BachVolente, Halflight ALBUM LAUNCH... Volente Lloyd will be releasing her debut album 'Cold Clean' on May 24th. 8.00pm Lunchtime concert @ St. David’s Hall Piano and Cello. The programme will include works by Schumann, Beethoven and Bocherrini. 1:00pm. £4.00 (NUS) Opera @ The New Theatre La Traviata by Verdi. 7:15pm

Wednesday26/05 Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm. Free. Live @ Barfly The Features + Camera + The Indy 500. Express @ Barfly 10pm1am £3 (NUS). All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! What more could you want? 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS). Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am £2. Cheapskates @ Metros It may be a little dark cave but don’t let that put you off. This really is a legendary night...Go on, get yourself a musical education! Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code. 9pm-2am. .Wednesdays @ Moloko raunchy electro, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk: mayhem. Hang the DJ @ The Model Inn Bring your music and play it from 8 for the official pre-clwb warm up. Free entry Patua Dance Afro-Brazilain Dance Workshop @ Chapter Arts Centre Suitable for all abilities. 7:30-9:00 £6 (£5 conc.) per session Boomshanka @ The Toucan House band THE POCKETS play acoustic soul & hippy funk, everything from Crosby Stills & Nash, Little Feat & the Beachboys. On the night supported by acoustic bands and singer songwriters. 8-1am £3 after 9pm Mutation @ O'Neill's Launching their new regular night (oh joy.) Taking O'Neill's in Cardiff by storm from Wednesday 26th May 2004, with a fresh dose of boshing techno and psyche-trance every week. Mutation is no ordinary club, boasting a totally immersive UV environment from Visual Bliss and live video mixing and computer animation from Maverick Visuals. I can’t think of anywhere I’d like to be less. Although they do have some good drinks offers. Doors are 9PM - 2AM

Friday28/05

Saturday29/05

Sunday30/05

Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am. Mad4it @ Barfly Indie classics, baggy beats, party tunes, legendary sounds. 10.30pm-2am £3. Live @ Barfly Pink Grease + The Golden Virgins + Last Partisan Over the past year or so, rumours of something disgusting have been circulating around Steel City... Some say they are neo-glam lo-fi electro sleaze-rock for the twenty-first century, complete with their crazed engineering genius armed with his highly dangerous home-made, scratchbuilt synthesizer which can destroy PA systems in seconds. They are far from being a purely industrial/electro act - they have guitars and use them to great effect as they effortlessly struggle to incorporate the random nature of the Machine (synth) through a wall of acoustic and electric drumbeats. Once you take these six diverse and argumentative characters and add liberal dollops of grease paint, dubious preferences for extremely colourful mohair jumpers, trousers that nearly fall off by the third song and chaotic appearances by the scary girl Greasettes on backing vocals audiences are left either speechless or giggling (or in the dressing room). £5 adv, doors 7.30pm Afro Dance Party @ The Toucan In Aid of WRC hardship fund 10-2AM £5 Acoustic Bar - Resident DJ Kris Jenkins 6-2am FREE b4 10pm/£3.50 Holodeck @ Clwb Ifor Bach Room 1 Glenn Wilson (LIVE), Jerome Hill, Steevio. Room 2 Jean Jaque Smoothie, Sam Vandal, Larry Nelson, Pete The Beat, Ben J, AP Bolan. The Holodeck has been up and running for 4 years. It is the only Techno night in Cardiff, and aims to bring artists old and new to Cardiff. So now we know. 10.00pm £8/7

Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco. 10:30pm until 11pm free with flyer. £1 after 11 with flyer Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm. Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro. 9pm-3am. The Mothership Convention @ The Toucan The Residents return, ‘QUATTRO’ the clubs’ very own 7 piece funk ensemble. Featuring the talents of Diva Dionne and MC Funki Dregz. Lions on the decks and Krissy downstairs in the lounge. The weekend alternative @ The Engine Rooms every two weeks! Retro, cheese, indie, funk, britpop, disco, rock, dance, electro and MORE...! 9 PM till 2 AM. 80p a double + mixer! (does this remind you of anywhere else…?) £3.50 with NUS Shuttle Buses will be running after the club, Shuttling into the city c entre at £1.00 per person. (OK I can forgive them for the stolen doubles price- this is a fantastic idea!) Opera @ The New Theatre Carmen by Bizet Sung in French with English surtitles. 7:15pm Mothership Convention @ The Toucan P Funk Direct from Holland- Octavepussy 9 piece band who’s album (and posters) features the king of P Funk- George Clinton himself! (does this mean anything to anyone?) 10-2am £7/6. Also Acoustic Lounge Resident DJ Kris Jenkins 6-2am FREE b4 10pm/£3.50 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Jesse Malin . White Light Motorcade Jesse Malin's second album 'The Heat' is set for a May release, so he is on the road again with a full live band. The New York singer songwriter has earned his stripes supporting the likes of Pete Yorn, Counting Crows, and of course his good friend (and producer of his debut album) Ryan Adams. Tickets are on sale now. 8.00pm £8.

Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7.30. £3 per team. This quiz has a new name but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is. You’ll have to make do with ‘Who wants to be a clever Dick’ until hell freezes over and someone bothers to send me an email to correct my distressing error. Taboo@ Moloko World music till midnight. Free entry. Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry. Live @ Barfly Fingathing Bank Holiday Special Fingathing describe themselves as ‘1 bass, 2 turntables and 10 mutant warriors’. Intriguing. A scratch DJ and a classicallytrained double bass player might not immediately seem like the finest of unions, but I’m told that you’ll be convinced. Expect crazy breakbeats and bass-breaking hiphop, via a generous dose of lush atmospherics. £8 adv, doors 8pm-1am. Bank Holiday Special @ The Toucan The Young Blood Brass Band – All the way from the USA! Ever heard Funky Bass played on Sousaphone? This band will blow your mind and wear out your dancin’ shoes! DJ KRISSY JENKINS on the decks. 10pm-2am £7/£6 Acoustic Lounge- Open mic. session hosted by LEMONSKY. £1 after 10pm

Thursday27/05 Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, DnB, breaks. Drinks promotions all night. 9pm-2am. Free before 11, £1 after. Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am. Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, ska, reggae. Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes - pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm- 2am. Free. Rocknight @ Barfly Classic rock night. 11pm2am £2 (NUS). Abri @ The Toucan The best welsh/bi-lingual night in cardiff. This month’s event features the excellent Pep Le Pew , 60’s legend –Hrather Jones, Sweet Baboo & DJ Bethan Elfyn. -2am £5/£4. Acoustic Bar - weekly open mic session hosted by Lemonski. £1 after 10pm Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Rachel Stamp, Death To Plan A, Donde Stars Rachel Stamp was the brain-child of star in the making David Ryder-Prangley. He left his home town of Dinas Powys in order to seek fame and fortune in London. Rachel Stamp have had some bad times including being dropped by their record label and the loss of two members, but they have overcome adversity and are better than ever. Now a three piece they come to conquer Cardiff. Dont forget the glitter! 8.00pm £5 Joe Brown & Marty Wilde @ St. David’s Hall Two icons of British music join forces in this very special show. Joe & Marty have enjoyed massive success in their solo careers, with a string of hits including It Only Took A Minute, Donna, That’s What Love Will Do, A Teenager In Love and many more. Performing separately with their bands, they also combine their talents for a night of unparalleled entertainment and superb musicianship 7:30pm £15.00 - £18.50

CinemaWeek

Chapter Arts Centre

Northfork The latest film from the Polish Brothers, Mark and Michael, is part Gothic, part surreal fantasy, with an unconventional storytelling style and mood attracted a starry ensemble cast. Mon: 18:15, Tues: 14:30, Weds: 1815. At Five in the Afternoon Samira Makhmalbaf’s third feature, awarded the Grand Jury Prize at Cannes in 2003, is set in post Taliban Afghanistan, and tells the story of Noqreh, a young woman who believes passionately that her gender should be no bar to her becoming the president of her country. Starting small, by campaigning to be school president, her initial optimism and determination are uplifting to observe, but the realities and harshness of contemporary Afghanistan begin to bear down upon her spirit. Skilfully melding together socio-political analysis, dramatic and poetic visuals, and an almost surreal humour, Makhmalbaf effectively lays bare the contradictions facing not just one young woman, but an entire country. Wed: 14:30 La Caja 507 Co-written by Julio Medem’s collaborator on Vacas, Caja 507 is a taut socio-political thriller. When his branch is robbed, his wife taken hostage and left in a coma, bank manager Modesto discovers documents from one of the vandalised safety deposit boxes indicating the fire that killed his child seven years ago was deliberately set. Seeking revenge, the methodical Modesto uncovers a web of deceit and corruption woven around the lucrative property market of the Costa del Sol. Fri: 18:30 Tooth With Harry Enfield, Vinnie Jones, Stephen Fry, Richard E. Grant. An impulsive young Tooth Fairy gives away all Fairytopia’s money, and soon the race is on to save the world before Christmas, Easter and all the holidays are ruined forever. Sat: 15:00

May 19 2004

Five minute fun

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Page 19

Name: ____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office (this is the preferred option, as its less work for me, and more exercise for you) or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union. Tiebreaker: Which Baywatch girl would you rather marry? and for the girls, try and convince me that Hasselhof is as sexy as everyone thought, cos I cant see it. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

Matt’s Problem Page

Page 20

May 24 2004

grproblempage@cf.ac.uk : because "Ghouls possess the same brute force as the living."

Problem of the Week

Face!

F1: Cardiff

those vans you’d probably have to floor it to keep the momentum and as I remember from school the gearbox tends to do crazy things like put it in reverse when you’re in a traffic-light situation. I’m pretty sure you could lodge a complaint against that kind of thing, maybe even a compensation claim. Maybe the union should write "Danger, vehicle may move to destination by moving" on the side, as to ensure a safe disclaimer. Why is a petrol station a Health and Safety hazard? More worryingly, how do you know it’s a Health and Safety hazard? Was that just because you’d established a nice sentence structure and it sounded quite good? If enough of you complained then something would have to be done because that’s the nature of things. At least the ‘wild detours’ are vaguely wild because I look with astonishment at someone who would use those double-deckers to "sight-see" Cardiff. I know it’s a nice city, and I know it’s fun to sit on a bus and go "Ooh, a real life student! Look at him! Look at his hair! What a silly student he is!" But seriously, just..walk, you bunch of blobbers.

Dear Matt,

Matt

Martin, 2nd Year.

Dear Matt, The entirety of University Hall are becoming terrified at the tactics of one of our minibus drivers. He seems to labour under the misapprehension that he is a Formula One racing driver. He takes us on countless wild detours around Cardiff, going from nought to suicidal in 4.5 seconds much of the time, and more than once has contravened so-called Health and Safety rules by taking us to petrol stations along the way. Topping it off, in one instance he was so pissed off after getting stuck in traffic he came within an inch of annihilating some innocent woman crossing the road. This is beginning to frighten us all and we fear that we may not live to attend our next exam, let alone see the summer holidays. How can we calm down this road rage, and slow him down a bit? Any bright ideas? Anon, first year Not really, I don’t do "bright" so well. How about walking? There’s one. How about a taxi? That’s two. Judging from the wear on

Monkey Dear Matt, I’m living with a really weird flatmate, what sort of person hangs around in the corridor at night talking to himself? He knocks on my other flatmates’ doors for no apparent reason, and when they ask who knocked he denies it. The other night I was having trouble sleeping as usual, as I heard strange noises from his room and realised he was doing monkey impressions! What can I do to make this guy get a grip and realise such behaviour is not acceptable at uni. It's getting quite scary! Anon, first year Dear me, I do empathise. Having said that, I don’t really. Perhaps the question you pose has more to do with your insomnia.

Carrot

Granted, it’s quite warm at the minute, but "as usual" suggests you have something to get anxious about. Something troubling you? Nothing to do with your midnight raids of friends’ cheese, eh? Maybe he was doing the Grantham on a webcam to a young child in America. I hear monkeys go down well with kids. On that note, has anyone seen the monkeys on POP plus? Funny they are, particularly because the people who script them must hate kids, as they are completely deadpan. They just seem to be ripping the piss out of all the kids that watch it. Zing Zing Zing Bah, though, what a guy. Next time he knocks on your door, open it really quickly and give him a good waffle in the EYE. Poor bugger is probably sleepwandering though and so can’t help it, but still, we laugh at the afflicted don’t we?

Bikini Dear Matt, It has come to my attention that it is impossible to sunbathe without my next door neighbours perving on me in a bikini. How can I kindly tell them to shove off?

Name and year withheld.

Your fault for being an exhibitionist pig. It’s that or you simply shouldn’t be wearing one. You love it really.

Short

Mark, the clever dick.

Matt

No. Matt

You have to remember that this kind of TV show is not supposed to be a radical sociological commentary. They’re probably more in existence to add to the anti-everything ideology that we’re all meant to have. Look at me, for example. I’ve become a right horrible bastard because of the television. We’re nurtured to look at ANYTHING which strikes us as being a little out of place. Our parents teach us to ignore things which freak us out – like prostitutes and transvestites – and it’s more a protection thing. What we don’t understand makes us either laugh or cry. You can’t help the way you react to things, because it’s the television’s fault, and you’ve got no rational way of processing a meffed-up face because it doesn’t fit with what you think is aesthetically pleasant. So, write them a letter. Tell them that their exploitation of deformed people is unfair, and that their research techniques were deeply flawed. Tell them that they should take a leaf out of Rupert Murdoch’s book and parade women with ‘bracams’ and get them to confront any men who notice their unfairly deep cleavage. It’s tantamount to the same thing, Marty, and you’re going to get me in trouble. Enough seriousness anyway, I feel slightly depressed now. The thought of Craig Charles with bubbles on his face makes my stomach want to escape. Matt

Good to see my inbox being filled with woe, even if you’re meant to be revising. Personally, I find digging gardens a better prospect, but we won’t discuss my Dimmock tendencies here. Anyway, there’s a good couple of weeks left to get angsty over, so do keep sending me problems. Grproblempage@cf.ac.uk

Anon. Cathays

ANY need to send that. ANY AT ALL? Jesus. I can’t even begin to say. How do you expect me to respond to something so morally dubious. Disgraceful. Feel more sorry for your fella, if he has to poke that out next time he sees you. Jesus.

I’m really addicted to swearing, help.

Certainly sounds a mite concerning there Marty. Craig Charles is a dirty scouser anyway, so I’d treat him with the same contempt if I bumped into him on the street with a deformed face or not. Cynical, contrived programme-

Matt

Dear Matt, I have a slight problem. One night I was feeling horny, and my boyfriend was away. I’d already got rid of my er, plastic friend, so the only instrument I could find to satisfy my needs was a large carrot. During the experience, half of it snapped off and appears to be stuck in a rather nasty spot. I’m too scared to tell anyone, what do I do?

Dear Matt,

This isn’t exactly a problem but I desperately want your opinion on this. I was watching a programme the other night called Celebrities Disfigured on Channel 4 and it really, and I mean really, pissed me off. The premise was to see how people reacted to disfigured people and so they made up Craig Charles (ListerRed Dwarf) and Caprice to look the part. This in itself didn’t annoy me; it was what happened next that got my panties in a twist. They went up to people on the street and asked them what they thought of their screwed up faces and then made a point of saying how badly everyone reacted to them. My point is if someone with half a face came up to you on the street and started asking you what you thought of it how the fuck are you supposed to react?! Are you supposed to say, "Oh it’s not that bad"? I think it was very nasty of Channel 4 to do this as anyone would react badly in that situation. So Matt, please could you give me your opinion on this programme and tell me what you would do?

making is the way we’re going. Look what happened with the Iraq war.

Matt

Ladders make children smile. Walking under them does not turn that smile into a frown. Walking under a ladder does not make Phil ride in on a flaming cloud to smoke the said child. Phil is a pacifist.

Handy tip of the week Right, so since when did walking under a ladder become synonymous with getting dumped/being punched/being maimed by a land mine/becoming obese? I mean honestly, I realise that superstition has been part of traditional culture since Pagan times when it seemed that if you ate the wrong flower the galaxy would implode and the sun would go supernova. But why did it become LADDERS that heralded the end of your life? I can think of countless things that are capable of being propped up against a wall, but no, if you walk under a fucking LADDER then your penis will drop off and you will be damned to eternity by some demented painter’s wrath. I don’t understand. Then it gets really weird, because if you step on THREE grids, (not two though, that’s ok) you will probably get attacked by the hideous monster that OBVIOUSLY knows where you live, knows your name and which set of grids in the world you just happen to toddle over. I don’t understand. THEN if a bird SHITS on you, it’s all ok because that’s GOOD luck. It doesn’t even begin to let itself be understood. So where’s the line fuckos? Why is it not bad luck to be ran over? Why isn’t it good luck that your exam is on a topic you’ve revised? Why do we have to constantly associate COMPLETELY arbitrary things with co-incidence? Let’s see: If you go into Cardiff on the 22nd wearing a Manchester City shirt, it won’t be fucking bad luck if you get a bottle wrapped around your chops. It wasn’t because you got shat on by a cocky bird either.

Television

May 24 2004

Page 21

endoffriends@hallelujah.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV May 24-30

Some Friends You Were Good riddance. They won’t be there for you anymore.

HOT TV Desk We know we’re the best part of the paper, but I couldn’t help being supersmug when a love letter to me came to the office, after amorous texts. But I must bow down to TV John and TV Andy, who are truly the kings of TV. Hooray!

SOAPS Lou-sing his mind... This week in Neighbours, Lou starts having hallucinations about Valda’s enormous tits, bright red toenails and her bush. Lou is on the road to death and it seems that once there, he can’t but plague himself with nightmare visions. Let’s hope he doesn’t die with a boner - that’ll be quite hard for the morticians to hide. Also Lori turns up in Ramsey Street clutching Connor’s sprog. No doubt he’ll start it on his home-made brew when he spies it - he is Oirish after all. And the fact that in soapland they don’t seem to understand contraception, another spawn is soon to follow. Hey, why not get both Michelle and Lori up the duff? Why not give Valda one as well? Unless Valda gets a gift from Lou’s morticians, she’s going to be one sexually-frustrated lady.

“So no-one told you life was going to be this way,” The Rembrants sang in a particularly annoying way and 10 years later the show that launched a thousand haircuts, the phrase ‘How you doin?’ and the opportunity to watch Jennifer Aniston smuggling peanuts on a weekly basis finally comes to a close (Ch 4, 9pm). Many publications have already blabbed the ending of the series in their pages but TV Desk aren’t about to follow suit - however, we will say that the ending is as trite and predictable as ever, though most hardcore fans won’t be disappointed. Even if you do shed a few tears there’s no need to dispair too much as 4’s other “flagship” show Big Brother rises to the surface like a floating turd ready to stink up the schedules for the next 10 weeks (Ch 4, 10pm). As always Endemol has been keeping its cards close to its chest over the finer details of this year’s format and the contestants - but even without the chickens, TV Desk is sure there’ll be enough banal antics to keep the proles hooked for the duration. Rumours that TV John will be taking part pretending to be a pre-op transsexual are grossly exaggerated. Elsewhere this week ITV1 try to cash in on the success of The Simple Life by launching Poor Little Rich Girls (Tueseday, 10pm) where posh totty are forced to work in northern shitholes. This week “glamour model” Natalie Denning tries to launch her career by s wa p -

ping places with a hairdresser from Liverpool. Anyway, while we may all despise various forms of reality TV, I’ve got to say that Hell’s Kitchen, featuring the TV-Desk-mouthed Gordon Ramsay, may be quite a treat (no puns about it being ‘heavenly’ in my listings). However, we may all be too saturated by the word ‘fuck’, Jennifer Ellison nork nightmares and Edwina Currie’s foul admissions to be interested. Also, the fact that it’s being touted all the time on ITV2, as well as nightly on ITV, it may only be useful as channel-surfing fare. Also more fatuous but watchable crap floats up to BBC 2 (I thought better of them too). It’s a documentry thing

about a shithead named Jimmy, who happens to have a farm. He also happens to have an acquaintence with Fat Tongue himself, Mr Jamie Oliver. This programme sounds suspiciouly like The Naked Chef with slaughterings instead or like that River Cottage thingy with that wanker growing his own runner beans or something, only this time it’s with Essex spice. Hmm, I say. Anyway it’s called, imaginatively, Jimmy’s Farm and it’s on at 9pm on Wednesday. If all this isn’t really your thing, then try More Sex Tips for Girls (Channel 4, 1.35am). This week, it examines the U spot. If you know what this is then you’ll be with me on thinking that this is a bit horrible. Have you heard the story of the man who put a rose up his Jap’s eye? Well he forgot to take the torns out. Hotly talked about by masochistic little toerags at secondary school and so horrific and respulsive that, you know, five couldn’t resist showing a documentary about it. It’s all about Bumfights (Wednesday 10pm) which, if you didn’t know, is an underground video in which the makers pay tramps on the streets of the US to fight, pull their teeth out, set themselves on fire, and generally humiliate themselves in exchange for a bit of money and a crusty loaf of rancid bread. All absolutely hilarious post-Jackass goodness, lets face it, but for some reason this rib tickling entertainment has been banned and abhorred everywhere. Boring! Love xxx

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY Reality Bites.

Jackson’s Ring Piece Gets A Release.

Nauseating little wankers who like watching boring television are in for a treat on digital this week. Both ITV2 and E4 start their latest TV spectaculars namely Hell’s Kitchen and Big Brother respectively. Frankly I’m sick of both of these and they haven’t even started yet because of the number of fucking times their names have come up this evening. You should already know, but for the retarded among you, Hell’s Kitchen basically involves Gordon Ramsay telling shitters how to cook properly, and Big Brother is just... well, Big Brother. Only this year to counteract how noteworthily brain-numbing last years contestants were (I actually had to be reminded who won the damn thing* just now) they’re going to “mean it up” by creating a boring house and a fun house, which will undoubtedly turn out to be the opposite of each other when the action kicks off. *a smug semi-racist scottish virgin who stinks of fishmongery.

After a break of what seems like days since Peter Jackson’s acclaimed Lord of The Rings trilogy was in the spotlight, this Friday sees the release of the third film in the series. The Return Of The King follows our hobbity heroes as they go their seperate ways in order to help Frodo place his ‘ring’ in Mount Doom. Despite sounding like a homoerotic fantasy video game, the film swept the board at the scars, winning an unprecedented 11 outof 11 Oscars. It goes without saying that the films are rather good, depsite the infamous exclusion of the brilliant Christopher Lee. This 2-disc version boasts the usual boat-load of extras, although serious Rings fans out there will have to wait till Chrsitmas for the 4 disc special edition. This will include all the scenes the chubby director didn’t see fit to edit into his 200min+ opus. Well worth wasting a night too. You’ve probably seen it anyway.

NOT

Piers Morgan

Bye bye Piers smile for the camera please. After being hoaxed by some soliders, The Mirror’s editor was unceremoniously dumped on the street. However, with his previous career and TV work I doubt it’s the last we’ll see of him.

SPORT More top notch footballing action this week with the Champions League Final on Wednesday (ITV1, 7.30pm). AS Monaco take on FC Porto in a game that’ll probably be too close to call at the moment despite Monaco’s much better form in the previous rounds.

FILMS There’s fuck all good films on regular TV this week apart from repeat showings of Jurassic Park and Silence Of The Lambs on ITV1 on Saturday. If in some strange twist of fate you’ve never seen either of these then now’s the time to do it - or maybe go and have a barbeque in the sun instead...

RADIO Goodie, Goodie... Despite being a poor man’s Monty Python and launching Bill Oddie on the world The Goodies had their moments. Phil Jupitus hosts a two part special on his favourite comics, No Fixed Abode Cricklewood (Radio 4, Tuesday 11.30am). Elsewhere Radio 1 seems to be getting swept up in the tidal wave which is Eski and Grime. Breakthrough artist of the scene Wiley reports in East is East (Monday 11pm) and interviews such luminaries as Dizzie Rascal, Terra Danjah and MJ Cole. John Peel then hosts a night of Grime to promote the Rephlex compilation of the same name on Wednesday (10pm) with DJ Eastwood, MC G Double and MC Purple bringing the urban flavours as they say on the street. Wicked.

Monday

Today in your Union

Page 22

May 24-30 2004

pickle@preposturouslycampgoblin.co.uk

FUN FACTORY Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night (NUS)

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle. Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year. The site at Cooper’s Field will be awash with black tuxedos and ballgowns on the 11th June, all entertained by the fabulous line up created by the union ents team. Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm. Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees. Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night

Water, Moon, Candle Tree and Sword C4 5.45

Film: Three Secrets Sky One 11.55pm

Body Hits: On The Lash BBC Three 8pm

The Sex.Com Story five 11.20pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: TazMania 16.05 Rugrats 16.20 XperiMENTAL 16.35 Lizzie McGuire 16.55 Blue Peter 17.20 Newsround Extra 17.35 Neighbours Karl has difficulty managing his pride. Presuming “pride” is his pet name for his filthy, cheating genetalia. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news. 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 19.00 Open All Hours 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Murphy's Law 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Weston's Warriors Simon Weston is a big reader of the gair rhydd tv listings, so a big HELLO! to him. 23.25 The Royle Family...Isn’t that great since becoming a student, given that festering a la Jim Royle is the order of the day in most student houses. 23.55 FILM: Ghosts of Mississippi *** 02.00 Sign Zone: See Hear 02.45 Sign Zone: Brassed Off Britain 03.15 Sign Zone: Diarmuid's Big Adventure 04.15 Sign Zone: Houses Behaving Badly

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 SMart 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bob the Builder 08.40 Wiggly Park 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Look and Read 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Maths Challenge 11.25 Watch 11.40 Look and Read 12.00 BBC Primary Geography 12.10 Music Makers 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.35 FILM: DOA *** 14.55 Garden Invaders 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 18.00 Get a New Life 19.00 TOTP 2 With the B52s (who seem to be recording under the name Stellastarr* these days), Dollar (miserable Reborn in the USA tossers), Doop (yes!), Bob Dylan (nasally old legend), Alvin Stardust (koo koo ka shite), En Vogue, (reinventors of the girl group) the Shadows (shite) Don Pablo's Animals (who?) and Alan “Don’t Call Me Jacko” Jackson. 19.30 19.30 Combat Pilot 20.00 The RHS Chelsea 20.00 Flower Show 21.00 21.00 Dead Ringers 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.00 I Am Not an Animal 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Lost Boys I00.00 Days That Shook the World 00.30 Joins BBC News 24 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Mucha Lucha 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party Election broadcast. 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Norris is dogged by Schmeichel and Chesney. An unlikely threesome in a Vauxhall Corsa round the back of the Rovers with the exgoalkeeper and ex“singer”. 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 21.00 Hell's Kitchen Gordon “Gay” Ramsay teaches slebs such as Abi Titmuss and Matt Goss to cook. Someones got a book out then. 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Trouble in Paradise 00.00 Champions League Weekly 00.30 Beyonce... In Profile One-song overrated tart. 00.55 The World of Van Helsing Looks crap, and suddenly Kate Beckinsale has become tabloid fodder. Goodbye credibility. 01.20 Building the Dream 01.45 Today with Des and Mel 02.35 Grounded for Life 02.55 Entertainment Now! 03.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 03.45 Mixmasters 04.10 ITV Nightscreen

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Today at the Test 09.30 Schools: Life Stuff: Dealing with Drugs 09.55 National Gallery 10.00 Cricket: First Test: England v New Zealand 12.40 The Lunch Break 13.05 Cricket: First Test: England v New Zealand 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol gan Blaid Geidwadol Cymru 19.30 Newyddion 20.20 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Ffermio 21.00 Crwydro 21.30 Sgorio 22.30 Risking It All 23.30 Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 23.35 Without a Trace 00.35 Without a Trace 01.25 Today at the Test 01.55 Football: South American Championship 04.00 Ysgolion (Schools) (4.00-6.10): Sarah and the Whammi 04.15 Rat-a-Tat-Tat 04.30 Book Box: What's So Good About Roald Dahl? 04.45 All About Us We’re the most beautiful, articulate, sexy three motherfuckers this side of NYC’s erotic disco scene. All of us are filthy rich and spend most of our non-tv time endulging in orgies of substance abuse and genitalia abuse, and hob-nob regularly with the likes of Jordan and Michael Barrymore, and we’ve shaken Jeremy Beadle’s tiny hand, and Lesley Grantham pops round for us once a week. 05.00 Maths Mansion Dr Fred kidnaps Sandy and Dave reaches the secret lab by the means of WALK TO, TURN ON and GIVE TENTACLE CHOW to GREEN TENTACLE. Mathematically. 05.10 The Blue Dragon

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.20 Milkshake! 07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason - the Case of the Ruthless Reporter With Riath Al-Samarrai. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Road Rages: 2 Wheels v 4 20.00 Building the Ultimate 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 FILM: Lethal Weapon 3 *** 23.20 The Sex.com Story Documentary charting the early days of internet pornography and following what happened when the lucrative sex.com domain name - the most valuable in the world - was stolen from its owner Gary Kremen by Stephen Michael Cohen, with an excitement value of zero. The programme also features footage from the infamous Pamela Anderson honeymoon tape. Excitement value - unmeasureable. 00.20 US PGA Golf: Bank of America Colonial 01.10 NASCAR Busch Series Championship: Nazareth Holy Land touring race, presumably on donkey and for a first prize of religious enlightenment. 02.00 AMA Motoross 2004: Round 1 03.35 Argentinian Football Highlights

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Inner Spaces 20.00 Body Hits: On the Lash Highly suspicious “documentary” involving “experts” telling us why we all like a drink. A pisspoor excluse for showing footage of people being drunk and/or telling hilarious anecdotes about having sex in alleyways. And why we do it. 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 The Third Degree 22.00 EastEnders22.30 Coupling 23.00 The Mighty Boosh 23.30 The Mighty Boosh 00.00 Nighty Night 00.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 01.00 Sex and the Settee 01.55 The Third Degree 02.55 Inner Spaces 03.25 Strictly Come Dancing on Three I know we’re supposed to have UK Gold for this, and BBC Three is supposed to be for breaking “new” comedy, but couldn’t we just have one repeat of Blackadder? Just, one series or something? It’s been about ten years since the first series it was on. Angus Deayton played a Jumping Jew.

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Planet's Funniest Animals 17.00 Coronation Street 17.30 F1: Monaco Grand Prix The most visually pleasing and competitively tedious race of the formula once seasons has its highlights done by Jim “The Devil” Rosenthal. 18.30 Champions League Weekly 19.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 21.00 Real Crime: Justice for My Daughter 22.00 Taxi Nights 22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.30 Hell's Kitchen Live 24 Hour Quiz with frying pans. 01.30 Coronation Street 01.55 Coronation Street 02.20 Coronation Street Todds news rocks the nation. 02.45 Late Show with David Letterman 03.30 Teleshopping 05.00 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Mutant X 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 11.55 FILM: Three Secrets ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Fear Factor 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons The awesome Sonic Youth appear with the less awesome Cypress Hill. And the record store “Suicide Notes - Formally Good Vibrations” 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Totally out of Control: Nature 22.00 South Park 22.30 Uncut! Sex on the Job The programme revisits the cheeky teachers who have broken all the rules. And erm must have surely lost their jobs in the process, but it’s good to see them being jovial about it. 23.30 Britain's Wildest 00.30 Star Trek: Voyager 01.25 Alias 02.15 Cops 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Titus 04.45 Titus 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 The OC 22.55 Bo Selecta! Described here as a “topical comedy”, which descriptively, puts it in the same category as Have I Got News For You which is one way to be inaccurate, I suppose. 23.25 The Making of Troy 23.55 Hollyoaks 00.25 Sex Rules 00.55 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.45 The OC 02.35 Bo Selecta! 03.05 The Making of Troy “So what we thought we’d do is, say why not have a puppet who looks like a divvy, but also has the name of someone who should be a porn star and we stuck strings into the back of his arms, and dangled him about like a paedophile fishing for a lucky break” - the producers of Thunderbirds.

As S4C except: 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.30 Dealing with Drugs “one for you, one for me, one for me, one for me...” 09.55 National Gallery 12.35 The Lunch Break 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 20.00 Body Talk: Sex Dr Peter Collett considers the subtle gestures which reveal the feelings of partners in close relationships. Examples include: the felch, the frotage, the finger and the “fist up”.21.00 Ten Days to D-Day 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 Without a Trace 00.00 The Making of Troy 00.30 Today at the Test 01.00 Who Kidnapped Shergar? 02.05 Football: South American Championship 04.00 Sarah and the Whammi 04.15 Rat-a-TatTat 04.30 Book Box: What's So Good About Roald Dahl? 05.10 The Blue Dragon The Welsh Dragon catches Herpes by roaming too close to Creation, and spits out something slightly less than fire. 05.25 Making It 05.30 The Mix 05.45 Water, Moon, Candle, Tree and Sword Return of the program detailing failed Knightmare quests.

Tuesday

May 24-30 2004

Page 23

whippedwithapowercord@gr-editor.co.uk

Techology: Techno BBC2 4am

60 Minute Makeover Real Crime:Girlsnatcher ITV1 1pm

ITV2 9pm

Big Brother’s Best Bits E4 9pm

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bob the Builder 08.40 Wiggly Park 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 BBC Primary Geography 10.40 BBC Primary Geography: France 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Come Outside 13.30 Durham Cathedral: Britain's Best Buildings 14.00 am.pm 14.55 Garden Invaders 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Christian Democrat Party 18.00 Get a New Life 19.00 TOTP 2 Songs from U2, Heatwave, Mud, McAlmont & Butler, Dionne Warwick, The Scorpions and James Galway. Plus new music tripe from Sting. 19.30 Wrong Numbers 20.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 21.00 Diarmuid's Big Adventure 22.00 Yes, Minister Jim tries to implement a privacy safeguard for a new national computer database. As true today as when it was written. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 So What Do You Do All Day? Play PS2 and masturbate. 23.50 FILM: All the Little Animals ** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Technology: Techno 04.00 Technology: Techno Featuring Richie Hawtin, Mark Bell and Jeff Mills.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 15.20 Boohbah 15.40 Mucha Lucha 16.05 The Quick Trick Show 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House Revisited 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Sadie changes tactics in her battle with Charity, deciding to get her drug addled former singer husband to beat her to death with his ape-like arms. 20.00 The Vault Drama as Melanie Sykes is locked in an airtight glass safe an is left to suffocate on live TV. 21.00 Hell's Kitchen Much as I like Gordon Ramesy the awfulness of some of the contestants really put me off this. Jennifer fucking Ellison? Duane “drug cheat” Chambers? Grr. 22.00 Poor Little Rich Girls It girl and glamour model Natalie Denning swaps places with hairdresser Katie Wakefield. Like The SImple Life, but worse then. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: Bringing Out the Dead Directed by Martin Scorsese. Deemed “Watchable” by Media Monkey Gary. *** 01.10 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Replayed 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Sport Monkey Airs gets another random beating from the editors as the cycle of violence perpetuates itself.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Today at the Test 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): Life Stuff: Dealing with Drugs 09.55 gcsEASE: Health and Social Care 10.20 Life Stuff: Consumer Power 10.45 Climbing Cold Mountain 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.30-1.15): Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 12.40 Triongl 13.00 Y Brodyr Coala 13.15 Beat the Nation 13.45 The City Gardener 14.15 A Place in Greece 14.45 Up Your Street 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): FTPD 16.30 13.30 Munud o Enwogrwydd 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Party Election Broadcast 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Y Byd ar Bedwar 21.00 Dynion Y Drysau First in a two-part series following the men who police the doors of the pubs and clubs of Caernarfon, Carmarthen, Swansea and Aberystwyth. They’re all going to be utter cunts I can tell. 22.00 Ten Days to D-Day 23.05 Death in Gaza Documentary following Palestinian children who live amid the violence between the Israeli army and Palestinian fighters; violence which claimed the life of director James Miller. Depressing portrait of the disgusting behavour of the Israeli government. 00.25 NYPD Blue 01.20 This Was My War 01.35 Football: South American Championship 04.00 Ysgolion (Schools)

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.20 Milkshake! 07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Disney's Love Leads the Way ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Dani disappears. Is her life in danger? It is if she’s in the clutches of Stanton... 18.30 Family Affairs Marc's decision has been made but what will the consequences be? All out nuclear war I guess. 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear Jay Kay shows Tiff Needell and Vicki Butler-Henderson his car collection and withered cock. 20.00 The Greatest Magic Tricks in the Universe... Ever George Bush’s election win of 2000 and the disappearance of Lord Lucan feature. 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.55 Death Scene Investigators: The Death Detectives 23.25 Murder Detectives: Firedotcom 00.00 Angel 00.50 NHL Ice Hockey: Stanley Cup: Game One 04.00 Motorsport Mundial 04.25 Dutch Football 06.00 Dr Phil

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Inner Spaces 20.00 EastEnders Revealed 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust I still don’t rate this... 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Mighty Boosh Howard accepts a bet to dress in a gorilla costume when the zoo's oldest gorilla falls ill. Cue for scenes from Gorillas in the Ass. 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Nighty Night Jill convinces Cath to try to heal her marriage with a programme of celibacy. “My lilly is sacred, you shall not enter...” 00.00 Little Britain 00.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 01.00 Monkey Dust 01.30 The Mighty Boosh 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Nighty Night 03.00 Inner Spaces 03.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale The truth about the shooting leaves Jack reeling - is this the end of the road for Andy? I hope not, but then again my reign as TV Desk head honcho is almost at an end... 19.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 21.00 Real Crime: Girlsnatcher 22.00 House of Horrors 22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.35 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.35 Jerry Springer 02.10 Late Show with David Letterman 03.00 Teleshopping 04.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman More revalations about Thom Airs’s nefarious activites suggests that the alley by Metros may not be the best place to hang out - literally...

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Mutant X 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Hearts on Fire ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Fear Factor 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Tru Calling Tru fears she has done something terrible when she wakes up to find the body of her ex-boyfriend in bed with her and his head and cock in the toilet... 21.00 Angel 22.00 Las Vegas A con-artist preys on Delinda's sympathies and convinces her to swap counterfeit chips for cash. Daddy will not be happy. Looks like no pudding and straight to bed for Delinda then. 23.00 Scrubs 23.30 Shock Video 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Titus 04.45 Titus 05.10

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends When 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Big Brother's Best Bits 21.30 Big Brother's Best Bits 22.00 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights Brian celebrates the success of the new Phoenix Club with a gala ‘Stars in Their Eyes Show'. 22.30 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 23.05 Infamous Fives This programme looks at Robbie Williams, Fred Durst, Jennifer Lopez, Courtney Love and Guy Ritchie. Should be retitled Infamous Cunts... 23.35 Big Brother's Best Bits 00.05 Big Brother's Best Bits 00.35 Ali G in Da USAiii 01.05 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 01.35 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 02.05 Hollyoaks 02.30 Experimental 03.00 The

As S4C except: 06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Grabbit the Rabbit 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.30 Dealing with Drugs 09.55 Health and Social Care 10.20 Life Stuff 12.30 Frasier 12.55 FILM: Private's Progress *** 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Lost Word 20.00 Selling Houses 20.30 The City Gardener Revisited 21.00 Ten Days to D-Day 22.00 Solid Geometry Dark drama about a newly married man whose life takes a strange turn when he takes a sabbatical from his job to edit his long-lost grandfather's diaries. A repeat, but sounds better than most of the shite on tonight. 22.40 Death in Gaza 00.00 Shariah TV 01.00 Stargate SG-1 01.45 Andromeda 02.30 Andromeda 03.15 Andromeda 04.00 Sarah and the Whammi 04.15 Rat-aTat-Tat 04.30 Book Box: Off with McGough - Body Language 04.40 Book Box Poetry 04.50 Making It 04.55 Handmade

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle. Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year. Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm. Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees. Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 50/50 16.35 Ace Lightning 17.00 Really Wild Show 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Susan divulges details of her date with Brent after Lyn sees her buying the morning after pill. Sky changes her image to that of a vampy dominatrix, and near death and all alone, Lou dreams of Valda smothering herself in baby oil, the dirty old cunt. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders Alfie and Kat struggle to keep their marriage alive after she catches him in bed with Dot and a sheep. 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Cutting It 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life: Bindis and Beauty Queens 23.50 FILM: Inferno Thriller about the chaos that ensues when a solar anomaly causes temperatures to rise to fatal levels in Los Angeles. Amid power failures, fires and flooding a man plans to stage an audacious robbery, an unfairly discredited doctor becomes a hero, and an inner-city school teacher rises to the occasion. Sounds bollocks. 01.35 Sign Zone

Tropical Tuesday: Cocktails £2.50, Shooters £1.00

Wednesday

Today in your Union

Page 24

May 24-30 2004

thepowerofmasturbation@tristan.co.uk

RUBBER DUCK Solus 10pm –2am £3 £1.50 Carling, Strongbow, Worthy’s, VS, Vodka Red Bull

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50

GAMES ROOM

How Gay Are You? Sky One 9pm

Coronation Street ITV2 5.30pm

Neighbours

Bumfights

BBC1 5.35pm

five 10pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 The Mummy 16.30 Fairly Odd Parents 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Connor gets a shock when Lori arrives in Erinsborough with his baby. He should have remembered that what comes up must come down, albeit nine months later. Karl goes on the date from hell. He should have seen the warning signs when she took off her hat to reveal horns. Sorry. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast 19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 DIY SOS Lowri tries to help out a couple who keep having anal sex on the sofa. “It’s when we have a fag afterwards on the settee. We can’t seem to shift that anal gravy.” 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 Destination D Day 21.00 Crimewatch UK Featuring a man who found it amusing to eat dog turds in the park. Arrest him now! 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Belonging 23.05 Crimewatch UK Update 23.15 Scrum V: Wales v Barbarians Highlights of Wales v Barbarians 23.55 Dangerous Passions Ostriches.

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Really Wild Show 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bob the Builder 08.40 Wiggly Park 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 11.00 Landscape Mysteries 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: The Restless Breed ** 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 18.00 Get a New Life Write love letters to me and find out what I can do for you. 19.00 TOTP 2 19.30 Rover's Last Chance Saloon A small dog starts drinking whisky and soda. Then he dies. Life does that sort of thing, you know. Gutted. 20.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 21.00 Jimmy's Farm Jimmy Saville tries to grow gold chains on potatoes. He fails, and slaughters a pot-bellied pig in retaliation. Farms are brutal places, even with the light-footed Jim in charge. And in the evenings, he probably looks through his mum’s wardrobe, Psycho-style. Ah well. He did great things once. 22.00 World Weddings: Love Converts Pah, or it doesn’t exist, more like. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 The Witness: The Light of a Thousand Suns 23.25 Painting the People 00.30 Becks Futures 2004

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Mucha Lucha 16.05 Fingertips 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House Revisited 17.30 Building the Dream The lovely soul who wrote to me comes to visit the office...it’s late, everyone’s gone home...there’s a TV on...I am not sweating as much as I am now... 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party Election broadcast. 19.00 Emmerdale The battle lines are drawn as Dawn and Terry have very different ideas about their son's future. “I want him to star in gay porn.” “No, I’m sorry darling, it’s hetero all the way.” Marlon decides it's time to play Cupid. Unfortunately, the arrow he fires ends up in Jane’s arse. Ow. 19.30 Champions League Final Live: Monaco v Porto I wondered why this channel’s listings were sparse. And here it is the reason that I have no sex life. I wish someone was as obsessed about me as they are football. *sob* Kick-off at 7.45pm. 22.00 Hell's Kitchen 22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Ferret 23.30 Club Reps 00.00 Redcoats

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): Life Stuff: Dealing with Drugs Or: how to deal them. 09.55 gcsEASE: Health and Social Care 10.20 Life Stuff: Consumer Power 10.45 Science in Focus 11.05 Teen Big Brother 11.35 Life Stuff: From the Top 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.30-1.15): Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 12.40 Seren For 12.50 Caffi Sali Mali 13.05 Bwmp 13.15 Beat the Nation 13.45 Beat the Nation 14.15 A Place in Greece 14.45 Up Your Street 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Nic a Peri 16.15 Sgorio Bach 16.30 Mali O 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy Bitchy and Moody, ho ho. 17.55 Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Sheree has some shocking news for Tom. Yes, she is a man, but frankly he should have had his suspicions when she asked him to only do her up the arse, blindfolded. Two strangers visit Michelle. Threesome ensues. 19.00 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol: Gan Lafur Cymru 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Britt has an idea while shopping for Aunty Marian. Anne Summers all the way! 20.25 20.25 Dudley 04 Wal Aled 21.30 10 Years Younger 22.00 ER 23.00 ER 00.00 Frasier 00.30 The Making of Troy 01.00 FILM: Heaven

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.20 Milkshake! 07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 five news update 15.40 FILM: Seduced and Betrayed How my victims feel after a night of ‘pleasure’.*** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Nick and Seb hold the key to force Kane to leave, but will they use it? Why not never mind the sharp edges. 18.30 Family Affairs Cat and Doug have their first real fight. But he finds the blood makes skull-fucking a hell of a lot easier. 19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Liberal Democrats 19.30 Escape from... Apollo 13 20.00 The British UFO Files Documents that have been kept Top Secret are now available to the public, but do they explain any intriguing mysteries? I dunno - but I’d quite like to know why the thing I woke up with this morning was green, jelly-like and had one eye. Oh yeah. It was my vibrator. 21.00 Megalightning: Stranger than Fiction 22.00 Bumfights: A Video Too Far Haha. 23.00 The Most Shocking Ads in the World

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Inner Spaces Otherwise known as: ‘caverns of love’, ‘honey-filled pots’, ‘silky passages’ or, more simply, ‘flanges’. 20.00 EastEnders Revealed This edition traces the chequered career of Billy Mitchell, played by Perry Fenwick. Well, I’ll be clamouring for this come Wednesday night. 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three Bah. 21.00 FILM: First Blood “Quite a good satire”, says TV Andy as I struggle to understand how. Not because TV Andy is inarticulate, but because I don’t understand how anything Sly does can be satire. *** 22.30 Bodies This looks like absolute gash, truly. I hate Max Beesley at the best of times, and even the inclusion of Neil from The Office does not mean this will be ‘sardonic’, as the original listing suggested. 23.30 The Mighty Boosh Good maybe 00.00 Trauma on Three 00.30 Strictly Come Dancing 01.00 Bodies

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.45 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 17.30 Coronation Street Harry is stunned by his discovery about Orchid. She’s got a cock like a baby’s arm, and/or she’s a horse. Norris is dogged by Schmeichel and Chesney. FNARR! 18.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 20.00 American Idol: The Phenomenon Er, not really. 21.00 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions Jordan on the red carpet gets all the latest gossip. Oh, I thought cum was called ‘life stuff’ now, not ‘gossip’. Oh, the youth today and their fickle euphemisms. 22.00 House of Horrors 22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.00 Late Show with David Letterman 01.50 Teleshopping 03.20 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Mutant X 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Sharing the Secret 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Fear Factor 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Tarzan 21.00 How Gay Are You? Well, extremely, in the sense that I like rainbows and like watching cookery programmes. (Disclaimer: I am not TV Andy or TV John). 22.00 Sun, Sea and Silicone 23.00 FILM: Natural Born Killers Controversial for no real reason, but quite good nonetheless. I’m more interested in seeing 9 Songs...shame they’ve cut so much, really. *** 01.10 Star Trek: Voyager 01.15 Star Trek: Voyager 02.05 Yanky Panky 03.00 The X Files 03.55 Cops 04.20 Early Edition 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Chandler gets a new flatmate. Luckily, he’s not averse to a bit of late-night fisting. Cunts! I can’t wait till ‘Black Friday’. 17.30 Friends Monica schemes to establish authority at her new restaurant job. Stink bombs might work - I think that’s what some people in this office are using, anyway. 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek Pacey squares off with his dad. Fna.. oh, what’s the point. These kids are too busy trying to solve life’s mysteries than do a pointless thing like sex... 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Big Brother's Best Bits 21.30 Big Brother's Best Bits 22.00 How Friends Changed the World It made it far more inane. 00.05 Teachers 01.10 Teachers 02.10 Big Brother's Best Bits 02.35 Big Brother's Best Bits 03.05 Hollyoaks

As S4C, except: 06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Grabbit the Rabbit 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Dealing with Drugs 09.55 Health and Social Care 10.20 Life Stuff The new slang for ‘cum’. 10.45 Science in Focus 11.35 From the Top 12.30 The Great Pretenders 12.40 FILM: Conspiracy of Hearts*** 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks Scott wishes Natalie a happy birthday but her reaction is more amorous than he expected. Ooh, get her. Probably wearing crotchless knickers too, the minx. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Lost Word 20.00 How Clean Is Your House? 20.30 10 Years Younger 21.00 ER 22.00 ER 23.00 Frasier 23.30 Sex and the City Samantha struggles to tell her boyfriend about his shortcomings. As it were. 00.00 Sex and the City 00.35 Perfect Match New York 01.35 More Sex Tips for Girls 02.00 KwikFit Pirelli British Rally Championship 2004

Thursday

May 24-30 2004

Page 25

loveletter@tvhollythoughiknowit’sfromtvjohn.com

Neighbours BBC1 5.35pm

Yanky Panky Sky One 4.20am

Self-Portrait UK

Home and Away

S4C 10.20am

five 6pm

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bob the Builder 08.40 Wiggly Park 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Hands Up! 10.45 Hands Up! 11.00 The Way Things Work 11.15 Pathways of Belief: Christianity 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 International Golf 17.40 Party Election Broadcast by Respect: The Unity Coalition 17.45 Match of the Day Wales: Norway v Wales Kick-off at 6.00. I will not be watching, as the only sport I ever watch is the paralympics and porn marathons. 20.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show This sounds amazing. Really. Check out those gladeoli! Tenuous link: when I was really bored the other day, I got a googlewhack. It was ‘spoonerisms alyssum’. Aren’t I great? No, but I do fancy Dave Gorman, and I desperately want to impress him. 21.00 One Day of War: This World 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 The Witness: The Death of James Dean Ernie Tripke, who was on duty as a highway patrolman on the day of James Dean's death in a car crash in 1954, discusses the effect it has had upon his own life. Pah, get over your tenuous link to fame. 23.25 BBC Four on BBC Two: Profile: The Unseen David Blunkett 00.00 The School: Raising the Standard 01.00 Days That Shook the World

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Boohbah 15.35 Mucha Lucha 16.00 Globo Loco 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House Revisited 17.30 Building the Dream The smell of mouldy cheese that seems to permeate this office disappears. 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Crimestoppers 19.00 Emmerdale Marlon thinks he's off the hook when he persuades Danny to date Donna. Then he can pretend it wasn’t him who gave her syphilis. 19.30 19.30 The Great Beers of Wales Number 3: the brwon stuff growing by the side of my computer. 20.00 The Bill Ken gets a shock when his teenage son Alex turns up out of the blue and tells him that he's killed a prostitute. As you do. 21.00 Hell's Kitchen Let’s hope Jennifer Ellison falls into the coq-au-leekie, and not only burns like the witch that she is, but gets a terrible disease. 22.00 Poor Little Rich Girls Sounds like a pile of wank, which isn’t all that appealing unless you haven’t eaten for a week and have a protein defciency. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Party Election Broadcast by Respect 23.05 Wales This Week 00.10 Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): Life Stuff: Looking after the Penneys 09.55 gcsEASE: Health and Social Care 10.20 Self Portrait UK 10.45 Science in Focus 11.05 Teen Big Brother 11.35 Life Stuff: From the Top 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.301.15): Binca 12.40 Tweenies 13.05 Clwc 13.15 Beat the Nation 13.45 Beat the Nation 14.15 A Place in Greece 14.45 Up Your Street 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Troeon Tristan 16.15 Traed Moch 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Y Clwb Pel-Droed Rhyngwladol: Norwy v Cymru 20.00 Pobol y Cwm The Family Court makes an important judgement which affects Steffan. “You must stop abusing Yorkshire Terriers. Pick on a dog your own size.” 20.25 Clwb Garddio Is this programme about gardening? Does your house have a garden? So why a you reading this listing? 20.55 Newyddion 21.10 Tipyn O Stad Kev and Ceri's wedding day finally arrives, but the pressure is getting to Kev and Keith. Will she want a threesome? No? Oh. 21.45 Omagh This is supposed to be good, if political. Features Father Ted Unctious, but you can’t laugh, because this is billed as politically sensitive. Hmm. 23.45 Election Broadcast by Respect. 23.50 Big Brother's Best Bits 00.50 Perfect Match New York 01.45 Perfect Match New York 02.40 British Rally

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.20 Milkshake! 07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 five news update 15.40 FILM: The Sword and the Rose *** 17.30 five news 17.55 Party Election Broadcast 18.00 Home and Away Leah is stuck at the airport without her ticket or her passport. The stupid mare. Oh well, at least she can’t spread her stupidity genes to the rest of the world. The police arrive to investigate Kane. “We know it was you who left a marrow in Fisher’s bed”. 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Labour Party 19.30 The Treasures of St Petersburg and the Hermitage 20.00 FILM: Sphere Shit and a bit silly. I only saw half of it though. I went out to have sex halfway. I was at home, before you ask. It was on video, before you ask again. ** 22.40 FILM: Under Pressure Yay, Charlie Sheen! ** 00.20 NHL Ice Hockey: Stanley Cup: Game Two 04.00 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Art Simonyan v Narongrit Pirang 05.10 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Inner Spaces 20.00 EastEnders Revealed This edition looks back at the career of Natalie Evans, played by Lucy Speed. She had a nose job, but I bet they won’t tell you that. Bloody actors. 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 Trauma on Three 21.30 Fergie & Son Alex Millar delves into the practices of football agent Jason Ferguson, son of Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson. Scintillating. 22.00 EastEnders Dot and Pauline's wedding bickering becomes too much for Sonia, who would much rather watch tghem snog. Yeauch, I apologise. Minty makes it clear where his loyalties lie: in Sam’s unwieldy crevice. 22.30 Who Rules the Roost 23.25 Trauma on Three 23.55 The Third Degree 00.55 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 01.25 Fergie & Son 01.55 Who Rules the Roost 02.50 Inner Spaces 03.20 Strictly Come Dancing

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 20.00 FILM: The ITV2 Movie The Viewers' Choice Pick between 10 Things I Hate about You, Runaway Bride, and Coyote Ugly. Well, really. Why aren’t you watching the RHS Flower Show? Go on, off you go. 22.05 Jennifer Lopez... Love Chain 22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.30 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.30 Jerry Springer 02.10 Late Show with David Letterman 03.00 Teleshopping 04.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman In other news, our TV monkey has just turned up, meaning that I’m very happy. We’re going to play Trivial Pursuit after this, and I will gracefully lose. Then sulk.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Mutant X 09.55 The X Files 10.50 ER 11.45 FILM: Full Ride * 13.50 Scrubs 14.20 Jenny Jones 15.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Fear Factor Sorting rats into different colours, apparently. Sounds pointless. 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons Homer is photographed by Bart cavorting with a sexy belly dancer while out on a stag night, much to Marge's annoyance. Hooray - yellow sex! 20.00 Jake 2.0 21.00 24 22.00 Cold Case 23.00 Newquay Nights This is a real programme, about the nightlife of Newquay, as the title would suggest. Great! 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Yanky Panky 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show 06.00 Dr Phil

14.00 Friends 14.30 Friends 15.00 Friends 15.30 Friends 15.55 Friends 16.30 Friends 17.00 Friends Phoebe and Mike can't decide if they should donate their wedding fund to charity. Yeah, you fucks, you’ve made a fortune from saying ‘so’ a lot, so I think you’d better. 17.30 How Friends Changed the World GGAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 19.30 Friends Monica prepares a fabulous Thanksgiving feast for the gang. Greedy cunts. 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Big Brother's Best Bits 21.30 ER 22.30 Infamous Fives Featuring Winona Ryder, Whitney Houston, Nick Nolte, Michael Douglas and Elton John. What, altogether? Euw. Not Michael. I’m too old for him. 23.00 Friends 23.30 Friends 00.10 Big Brother's Best Bits 00.40 ER 01.35 Infamous Fives 02.05 Hollyoaks 02.30 Friends 03.00 The Fit Farm 03.25 The Fit Farm

As S4C, except: 06.00 Insektors 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Looking After the Penneys 09.55 Health and Social Care 10.45 Science in Focus 11.35 From the Top 12.30 The Great Pretenders 12.45 FILM: Hobson's Choice **** 14.45 Beat the Nation With a whisk. Sorry. These bad puns are coming too easily today. I’m scared I’m losing my wit... 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.00 Friends 18.30 Hollyoaks Debbie gives in to temptation and uses her Mars bar as a dildo. Come on, we’ve all done it. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Lost Word 20.00 No Going Back 21.00 Omagh 23.05 Big Brother's Best Bits Rehash of shite series. And this one will be worse. 00.05 NYPD Blue 01.00 Travels of a Gringo 02.00 KOTV 02.30 Football: South American Championship 04.20 Trans World Sport 05.15 Countdown I wonder if anyone watches this now? Answer: doubtful. The office still smells like it’s rotting. I want a pint.

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle. Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year. Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm. Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees. Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 All or Nothing 16.35 Kerching! 17.00 Short Change 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Gus and Summer's puppy plan goes awry. Well, sometimes they just don’t want to be touched that way. Steph struggles with Max's `tough love' approach to Summer. “But she likes the gimp mask!” 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders Andy is made to realise he won't get everything his own way, and apparently finds out that the Moons haven’t appreciated Kat’s ‘saucy’ video. Gutted. I’d love someone to present me with a video featuring myself, naked. 20.00 Trauma Real-life Casualty for people who don’t want to start fights. 20.30 Bailiffs I go and demand my share of wonga from my ex-boyfriend who liked to film us...then post it on the internet. Oh, oops I’m confusing myself with Paris Hilton again. 21.00 Traffic Cops: On the Loose 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional 22.35 Dragon's Eye 23.10 Question Time 00.10 This Week 00.55 Sign Zone

THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50

Friday

Today in your Union

Page 26

May 24-30 2004

angryangry@newsandsporteditors.co.uk

LASHTASTIC With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle. Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year. Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm. Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees. Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

THE TAF

Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1

Neigbours BBC1 5.35pm

Spine Chillers BBC3 9pm

Hell’s Kitchen

Double Impact

ITV1 9pm

five 9pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 Astroboy 16.30 Fairly Odd Parents 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 SMart 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Sky's new look gets a lot of unwanted attention - that’s what you get when you become Mistress Fisty. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by Forward Wales 19.00 A Question of Sport With Robert Earnshaw: not only ugly as sin, but more boring than a date with Dave Williams. 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders Sharon makes things easy for Zoe as she piles on the KY Jelly. 20.30 My Family 21.00 The Lenny Henry Show 21.30 Have I Got News for You 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With guests Elliott Gould, Janet Jackson and Janet Jackson’s left breast. 23.30 Party Election Broadcast by the British National Party 23.35 BBC Three on BBC One: Outrageous Fortunes: Guinness 00.40 FILM: Damnation Alley * 02.05 Sign Zone: Safe as Houses

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Short Change 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bob the Builder 08.40 Wiggly Park 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Magic Key 10.45 Watch 11.00 Focus 11.20 Landmarks 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 The Phil Silvers Show 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 International Golf 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the British National Party 18.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.25 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.50 My Wife and Kids 19.10 TOTP 2 Songs from the Polecats, the Belle Stars, Future Sound of London, Gladys Knight and Don McLean. They’d better play Papua New Guinea... 19.30 Gardening with the Experts 20.00 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 21.00 Art of the Garden 22.00 Porridge A day on the moors digging council drains presents some golden opportunities. Apparently, I’m not so sure. It’s more likely to present a soaking and burial in my experience. 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.30 Party Election Broadcast by Forward Wales 23.35 Later with Jools Holland Joining Jools will be PJ Harvey, John Martyn, Amp Fiddler and Libyan band Tinariwen. 00.35 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 01.05 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 02.00 BBC Learning Zone:

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 15.20 Tractor Tom 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Mucha Lucha 16.05 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House Revisited 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Forward Wales Party 19.00 Emmerdale Tension grows between Scott and Zoe as they misread each other's signals. Well semaphore is quite tricky... 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 Hell's Kitchen 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Party Election Broadcast by the British National Party Further evidence of ITV’s right wing agenda. 23.05 Crimefighters UK 23.35 Screen Gems 00.10 Weapons of Mass Distraction 00.40 Blank Screen 00.45 Win, Lose or Draw Late 01.10 Blank Screen 01.15 Undeclared 01.45 Blank Screen 01.50 Entertainment Now! 02.15 Blank Screen 02.20 CD:UK Hotshots 02.45 Trisha 03.40 The Machine 04.05 Cybernet 04.30 Tonight Bored, hungry and in need of a pint - TV Andy is reduced to trying to gain sustenance from this weeks copy of Radio Times. Titchmarsh’s face was particularly tasty. But not in that way...

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): Life Stuff: Looking after the Penneys 09.55 gcsEASE: Health and Social Care 10.20 Life Stuff: In Search of the Tartan Turban 10.45 Science in Focus 11.05 Teen Big Brother 11.35 Life Stuff: From the Top 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.30-1.15): Sali Mali 12.35 Twm 12.45 Pot Mel 13.15 Beat the Nation 13.45 Beat the Nation 14.15 A Place in Greece 14.45 Up Your Street 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Uned 5 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Election Broadcast by Forward Wales 18.00 Friends 18.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol gan Cymru Ymlaen 19.30 Newyddion News. 20.00 Darllediad Etholiadol gan British National Party 20.05 Pobol y Cwm 20.30 Hwyl y Noson Lawen “Hilarious” antics with Dilwyn Pierce, Roy Noble, Ifan Gruffydd, John Ogwen, Dilwyn Morgan, Iona and Andy, Elin Fflur, Glan Davies and Glyn Owens. 21.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 22.00 Big Brother: Live Launch Show Yes Satan himself is scheduled to appear in the fifth series of the televisiual wallpaper that is Big Bro. 23.05 Friends The final episode. 00.05 Election Broadcast by the British National Party 00.10 Big Brother Live 02.15 The Bronx Bunny Show

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.20 Milkshake! 07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 five news update 15.40 FILM: Miracle On The Mountain *** 17.30 five news 17.55 Party Election Broadcast 18.00 Home and Away Kane loses everything in a puff of smoke as he bets his soul during a stoned game of poker, 18.30 Family Affairs Justin takes bets on Sadie's age. I reckon she’s 12 and he’s in a LOT of trouble. 19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Conservative Party 19.30 The World's 20 Best? 20.30 Great Escapes 21.00 FILM: Double Impact With Jean-Claude Van Damme and Geoffrey Lewis. Unmitigated toss of the highest order. ** 23.05 Pub Ammo Tonight: Who is the richest prisoner in the UK? And what is the hottest chilli sauce you can buy? 23.40 FILM: Halloween 6: the Curse of Michael Myers * 01.00 The Shield 01.45 FILM: The Stray ** 03.15 The Love Boat 04.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Inner Spaces 20.00 Fergie & Son Alex Millar delves into the practices of football agent Jason Ferguson, son of Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson and hopefully comes up with a load of irregularities. 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 Spine Chillers 21.30 Spine Chillers A man obsessed with gangster movies, inadvertently rescues a young woman from a mugger. The next morning the Mob are on his doorstep. It’ll all be a dream - or a strange parallel universe that’s how it works in these programmes. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Bodies 23.30 Burn It 00.00 Burn It 00.30 Grease Monkeys 01.00 The Practice 01.45 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 02.15 Trauma on Three 02.45 Trauma on Three 03.10 Inner Spaces 03.40 Strictly Come Dancing on Three

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Hell's Kitchen Live Another chance to catch up with last night's activities as the celebrities finish their shift and wind down after a hard day's tongue-lashing from boss Gordon Ramsay. FNARR! 20.30 American Idol Finale 21.20 Simon Cowell - American Idol 22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions Jordan is on the red carpet to get all the latest gossip and share a stiff one with Gordon. 23.05 American Idol Finale: The Result More racist fixing? Watch and find out. 00.50 Hell's Kitchen Live 02.50 Coronation Street 03.15 Coronation Street 03.45 Late Show with David Letterman 04.30 Teleshopping

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Mutant X 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Under the Lighthouse Dancing ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Fear Factor 19.00 Futurama Bender turns to religion after becoming addicted to electricity. 19.30 Futurama Fry and the crew go on a tour of the Slurm factory, and expose its terrible secret. 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 Road Wars Special 22.05 FILM: Medicine Man Trite environmentalist guff with Sean Connery. ** 00.05 Las Vegas 01.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.50 Alias 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Titus 04.45 Titus 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

14.00 Friends 14.30 Big Brother's Best Bits 14.55 Friends 15.20 Big Brother's Best Bits 15.50 Friends 16.20 Big Brother's Best Bits 17.00 Friends 17.30 Big Brother's Best Bits 18.00 Friends 18.30 Big Brother's Best Bits 19.00 Friends 19.30 Big Brother's Best Bits 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Big Brother's Best Bits 21.30 Big Brother's Best Bits 22.00 Friends The final episode. I know what happens and it’s as boring and predictable as you can imagine. 23.05 Big Brother Live Witness the most boring night of E4 in the history of the universe. You must be some kind of serious cretin to want to watch even more than 30 minutes of tonight’s telly on here. Still I can’t be too angry as Avenue D’s Too Drunk To Fuck has just come on my ipod. “Don’t fall alseep going down on me or you’ll wake up with a mouthful of pee...” Classy.

As S4C except: 06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Grabbit the Rabbit 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Looking After the Penneys 09.55 Health and Social Care 10.45 Science in Focus 11.35 From the Top 12.30 Friends 13.00 Friends 13.30 Friends 13.55 Friends 14.20 Friends 14.50 Friends 15.15 Countdown With Dictionary Corner guest Jeremy Beadle. 16.00 Friends 16.30 Friends 18.00 Friends 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Friends 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 21.00 Friends The final episode. You think Ch4 are milking it a bit? Bastards. 23.10 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind Derren 23.40 Distraction 02.15 Do Over 02.40 King of the Hill 03.05 The PJs 03.30 Football: South American Championship

Saturday

May 24-30 2004

Page 27

fingersineverypie@mineinparticular.org David Dickinson

Spine Chillers BBC3 2.50am

UK’s Best Friends C4 10.15pm

Film: Ride Lonesome

Film: Hello Dolly!

BBC2 2.50pm

BBC1 3pm

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 12.00 See Hear 12.50 Cagney and Lacey 13.35 Cagney and Lacey 14.25 Talking Movies 14.50 FILM: Ride Lonesome *** Masturbation thriller. 16.00 FILM: Quantrill's Raiders ** 17.05 Fred Dibnah's Building of Britain: The Age of the Carpenter 17.35 The Good Life 18.05 Get a New Life 19.05 The Rise of the Celebrity Class 20.05 Fucking Your Mum 21.05 Arena: Pavarotti - The Last Tenor “The last tenor to pork himself with greasy fries before a performance” more like. Also, He’s hardly the “last” tenor is he? Who’s stopping someone else from being to sing in that voice? 22.35 Have I Got News for You 23.05 Dead Ringers 23.35 Rugby Special 01.05 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: A Language for Movement 02.30 Talking Buildings 03.00 Uncertain Principles 03.30 Apples, Risks and Recriminations Three seemingly unrelated topics combine together for an intellectual feast. Is the Apple referring to the computer, the Garden of Even forbidden fruit, or Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s hideously named child born with a very very NICE spoon in its mouth? Don’t expect that one becoming a garage MC.04.20 What Have the 80s Ever Done for Us? 04.30 Independent Living 05.00 Open Advice 05.30 Science Shack Test tubes fluctuating in the slums.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.20 ITV News; Weather 12.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.30 F1: European Grand Prix Qualifying Live 14.20 Coronation Street Omnibus 16.35 New You've Been Framed! 17.05 ITV1 Wales News and Weather It’s really humid like a greenhouse, and my leg hurts. 17.20 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.35 17.35 FILM: Jurassic Park With Laura Dern, who could do better. **** 19.55 19.55 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 21.05 21.05 Hell's Kitchen 22.05 FILM: The Silence of the Lambs Film which, as I’ve no doubt said before, is absolutely fantastic right up until the point that Buffalo Bill starts fucking about with nightvision goggles. Ruining a film in a similar way to what-his-name Jack Nicholson running around in the snow at the end of The Shining (ie- boring) ***** 23.00 ITV News 23.15 FILM: The Silence of the Lambs ***** 00.40 Division One Play-off Final 01.40 Blank Screen 01.45 Weapons of Mass Distraction 02.10 Blank Screen 02.15 Blank Screen 02.20 FILM: Warlock: The Armageddon An acquaintance of TV Andy saw the original of this film (which this is a sequel to) in the cinema upon release, and then didn’t got the cinema again at all, for ten years. Now, given that sequals are generally worse, imagine how bad this has the potential to be. ** 03.55 Blank Screen 04.00 CD:UK 04.40 Get Stuffed! 04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 Seven swans, seven swans.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Speedway World Championship Grand Prix 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.55 The Cricket Show 10.25 Scrapheap Challenge USA 11.30 Zero to Hero 12.30 The Day After Tomorrow Premiere Special 13.00 Friends 13.30 Channel 4 Racing from Kempton Park, Doncaster and Musselburgh 15.30 Home Movies 15.50 Vincent: The Full Story 16.50 The Making of Troy 17.20 FILM: Home Alone *** 19.10 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.25 Dudley Dudley Newbury visits Eiffon Williams in Pontarddulais, checking out his recently built barbecue before cooking up a host of summer surprises including Chicken in Satay Sauce. Surprising! 19.55 Ma' Ifan 'Ma 21.15 Tipyn O Stad Stud refuses Heather's help and blames her for his mother's death. “Stud” is a really fucking stupid name, even if it is a nickname. I bet he likes Bo’ Selecta. 21.25 Big Brother 22.25 FILM: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me *** 00.15 Body Talk: Power 01.15 Big Brother Live 02.55 Football: South American Championship 04.45 KOTV Ok, we don’t know anything concrete about Big Brother yet apart from that it’s supposed to be mean. Hopefully that’s not suggesting a return to the rich/poor house divide idea, which sucked. Also, How many times, exactly, is that documentary about the making of Troy going to be show over the next few weeks? For want of much else to say, here’s some self-indulgence. I went to Alton Towers yesterday. It was great.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Dawson's Creek 10.55 Milkshake! 11.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.55 Beast Wars 12.25 Xcalibur 13.00 Zentrix 13.30 Beyblade 14.00 Stepping Up 14.30 The Chart 15.00 FILM: Hello Dolly! *** 17.35 17.35 Scooby Doo on Zombie Island Featurelength Scooby mystery involving all the usual cliches from the archives, no doubt. They should have made an animateed version fo the two movies, rather than get Freddy “Posh enough to be a...” Prinze Jr to prance about pretending to be Freddy. Although Matthew Lillard is perfect for the role of Shaggy, there’s still no excuse. 19.00 Charmed 19.50 five news and sport 20.10 20.10 Martial Law 21.05 21.05 CSI: Miami 22.00 Law and Order 23.00 FILM: Sleeping with the Devil The Darren Day / Michael Barrymore / Angus Deayton / Rebecca Loos / etc, story. ** 00.50 NHL Ice Hockey: The Stanley Cup, Game 3 04.20 Cold War 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters Blah blah blah blah blah. Listen to: the Division of Laura Lee, Solbakken, Songs:Ohia, Six by Seven, Something Corporate covering Bjork, East River Pipe, Richard Cheese, Avenged Sevenfold, Taking Back Sunday, JC Chasez, Kurt Wagner, Mountain Men Anonymous, Sufjan Stevens, Bruce Springsteen, Andrew WK, The Postal Service, Coheed and Cambria and The Pixies.

19.00 Fergie & Son Publicity puff for moneybags Ferguson and his stinking son who plays for Wrexham. 19.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 20.20 The Mighty Boosh 20.50 EastEnders Greatest Hits 21.05 Kingdom Hospital 21.45 FILM: Ginger Snaps Film in which Fred Astaire just makes that one comment too far, and his old dance partner fights back with a tirade of homophobic abuse directed straight at the hapless tap dog. Or not. *** 23.30 Bodies I only like them after their live-by date. 00.30 Spine Chillers 01.00 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 01.50 The Mighty Boosh 02.20 Body Hits 02.50 Spine Chillers Oooh scary things. And then more scary things. 03.20 Strictly Come Dancing on Three After last week’s monumentally slow effort which saw me still propping up TV Desk at past three in the morning, I’m making more steady progress this week, because I want to go to the pub and play Trivial Pursuit for even longer this week. Oh yes.

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.40 Quincy, ME 13.40 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.50 CD:UK I wonder who this week’s token rock act will be. These are usually completely awful and introduced by Cat as being “the most hotly talked about band in the music press at the moment.” I suspect this week it will be the execrable Razorlight, who are to popular music what shitting in a bowler hat and wearing to your boss’s wedding is to social niceties. 15.40 American Idol: The Phenomenon 16.40 American Idol Finale 17.30 American Idol Finale: The Result 19.25 Hell's Kitchen 21.00 UEFA Stories The story of Euro ‘96 which nobody really wants to remember due to flashbacks of Gazza missing a sitter in extra time in the semi-final. Wasn’t that the year of Fat Les? 22.05 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.05 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.05 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 02.15 Teleshopping 03.15 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Jake 2.0 18.00 Tarzan 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Double or Nothing 23.00 Totally out of Control: Nature 00.00 Angel 01.00 FILM: Daleks - Invasion Earth 2150 AD Potentially awful Dr Who rip off with Bernard Cribbins and Peter Cushing.** 02.35 Cops 03.00 Cops 03.25 Law and Order 04.20 Hot Love Is better than sex is cold blood. 05.10 Mutant X

06.00 Big Brother Live 12.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 13.45 Big Brother: Live Launch Show 14.50 Hollyoaks 17.30 The OC 18.30 The OC 19.30 The OC Julie organises a huge Christmas party. 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends The final countdown! This is it! The last ever episode! Oh no! I can’t believe we’ll never be subjected to this utter wank ever again! Just marathon repeats and never ending best-of compilations and adverts for the videos. 22.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 22.30 Big Brother Live ...Or, the main reason why the makers of Big Brother edit down 24 hours of drivelling waffle into thrity minute chunks. I mean really. I watched about three hours of Big Brother Live one night last summer whilst packing for a festival (I think). It was boring and just involved them all pretending to be Irish in a crappy faux-Irish pub. Then it turned out that was the BEST night of the entire series. Dear God.

As S4C except: 06.05 The Trap Door . 07.55 Trans World Sport 09.55 The Cricket Show 10.25 T4: The Day After Tomorrow Premiere Special With Steve “Pop Factory” Jones 10.55 T4: Friends . 11.25 T4: Friends 11.55 T4: The OC 12.55 T4: As If 15.30 The Making of Troy 16.00 Ten Days to D-Day 18.00 30 Minutes 18.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 18.35 Raging Planet: Earthquakes 19.30 Earthquake: 10.5 21.05 Big Brother 22.15 UK's Best Friends 22.45 UK's Best Friends 23.20 UK's Best Friends 23.50 UK's Best Friends 00.15 UK's Best Friends 00.50 UK's Best Friends 02.55 Jack and Jill 03.40 Jack and Jill . 04.25 The Chris Isaak Show Chris hires guitar hero Jimmy Vane to deputise for his drunken guitar technician, little knowing that Jimmy has some problems of his own. Jimmy Vane, I’ve just researched, is not a real guitar hero, as searching for him on Google only got responses related to this awesome show. 05.10 Countdown

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle. Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year. Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm. Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees. Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34. SASHA GREAT HALL TIME FLIES – LEGENDS OF HOUSE £15 ADV. 8PM – 2AM

THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30

Today in your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Metalheads 07.15 Super Duper Sumos 07.35 Arthur 08.05 Fairly Odd Parents 08.30 The Saturday Show 10.00 The Mysti Show 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Rowing 14.00 International Golf 17.15 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.35 I'd Do Anything With Ian Wright, the prime-time Richard Blackwood. Ian’s Radio 5 Show with Mark Bright (the cop-showparody-titled Wright and Bright) came to an end last weekend. Good. 18.25 18.25 Strictly Come Dancing 19.30 19.30 The National Lottery: In It to Win It 20.15 20.15 Casualty 21.05 21.05 FILM: Deep Impact Completely awful disaster movie and one of the worst films of all time, ever. Basically, an asteroid hits Earth and sends New Yawk into a floodzone in which nobody survives. Not as good as it sounds, but quality for the lack of survivors and fabricated feelgood character stories. *** 22.55 BBC News; Weather 23.15 FILM: Timecop JeanClaude Van Damme tripe. ** 00.50 FILM: Chameleon ** 02.40 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 03.35 A Question of Sport 04.05 Top of the Pops Pop is in a bit of a hey-dey at the moment, with both JC Chasez’s and Britney Spears recent albums bearing fantastic moments, and Bubba Sparxxx’s return to form. Yay.

COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30

Sunday

Today in your Union

Page 28

May 24-30 2004

nothingonfuckingsundays@turnover.page

THE TAF DRINK AS U THINK Quiz Free Entry Jugs of Carling, Worthy and Strongbow £6.00

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle. Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year. Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm. Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees. Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

GAMES ROOM

Escape From Alcatraz The Mighty Boosh BBC1 11.05pm

BBC Three 10.25pm

Building The Dream ITV 1.55am

Faking It E4 5.30pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 In Tune with the Spirit 11.00 Call My Bluff 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 BBC News 12.05 Keeping Up Appearances 13.05 EastEnders 15.00 Feather Boy 16.50 Points of View 17.05 Lifeline Charity campaigning programme. I couldn’t could I? 17.15 Songs of Praise Jonathan Edwards leaps onto a Pentecost shaped special. Looked painful. 17.50 My Family 18.20 BBC News; Weather 18.45 Antiques Roadshow The roadshow gang take a trip to the countryside to compare Monet prints and for a quick spot of ‘dogging’. Guest host this week a Mr S Collymore. 19.30 Ground Force Revisited 20.00 Casualty Manchester United’s season. 20.50 BBC News; Weather 21.05 21.05 FILM: Captain Corelli's Mandolin With Nicolas Cage and Penelope Cruz. (Drama, 2001) . Besides from the obvious strumming jokes, tune in to laugh at Cage’s disastrous Italian accent. Odd as he is Italian-American. Gimp. Directed by John Madden. ** 23.05 FILM: Escape from Alcatraz With Clint Eastwood and Patrick McGoohan. (Drama, 1979) Clint attempts to escape America’s most notorious prison with the help of a monkey named Clyde. You feeling lucky chimp? Well are ya? Directed by Don Siegel. *** 01.00 FILM: Devils of Darkness With William Sylvester and Hubert Noel. (Horror, 1965) Directed by Lance Comfort. * 02.25 Joins BBC News 24 And we’re all the better for it.

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Taz-Mania 07.20 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 FightBox 11.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 11.20 Sunday Grandstand 11.25 World Track Cycling Championships 13.00 French Open Tennis 14.15 International Match of the Day Wales: Wales v Canada - Live 16.40 International Golf 18.40 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em “Oooh Betty, they’re still showing this crap, years after anyone stopped watching.” Did I miss something, or is he not gay by the way? 19.10 The Boat The sailors finally ‘engage’ in ‘action’ and are ‘delighted’ with the consequences. They would be wouldn’t they. Something tempers their moods unfortunately. 20.00 Top Gear Die Clarkson, die, you wiry haired sockfucker. 21.00 Football Diaries Catching up with David James at God’s own football team. Watch as he single handedly saves Man City’s season with his perm. 22.00 Kingdom Hospital This is supposed to be quite good. But to be honest I don’t watch nor own a TV. 22.45 15 Storeys High Graveyard desecration storyline. A subtitle for BBC2’s late-night programming? 23.15 The EMMAs 2004 Rageh Omaar hosts awards show. Who will win the accolade of EMMA of the year? Thompson and Noble lead the betting. 00.00 World Superbikes 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners: Get Reading, Get Writing 03.00 IT for Work 04.00 IT for Retirement

06.00 GMTV 09.25 The Ark 09.55 My Favourite Hymns 10.55 Division One Play-off Final 11.55 ITV News; Weather 12.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.05 F1: European Grand Prix Live 15.00 Speed Sunday: British Touring Car Championship 16.00 Building the Dream 16.30 Rosemary and Thyme 17.30 ITV1 Wales News and Weather Regional news roundup. 17.45 Remember...: 1987 No. I was two, since you ask. 18.15 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 18.45 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Zoe, something, Scott etc. 19.30 Coronation Street Martin explodes at Katy's confession. Wouldn’t want to clear that mess up. 20.00 Heartbeat More ‘dogging’ on a Sunday night. Dear me. Actually, I may have read this wrong. 21.00 Hell's Kitchen More celebs get yelled at by the scar-faced Scot. 22.00 Poor Little Rich Girls 22.30 ITV News 22.45 The Classical Brits 2004 00.00 F1: European Grand Prix Given the choice between watching this and a lobotomy, one is torn. As I would be with the lobotomy I suppose. 01.00 World Rally Championship: Greece 01.30 Motorsport UK 01.55 Building the Dream I sincerely believe this to be the best thing on TV. Watch out for Partridge-alike Alan as he argues with the architect. The best thing I’ve seen on ITV for years. Besides Judy Finnigan’s tits obviously.02.20 Trisha 03.15 Today with Des and Mel Today? 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 Football: South American Championship 07.50 Nokia Totally Board in Cape Town 08.20 Vee-TV 08.50 The Great Pretenders 09.00 Friends 09.30 As If 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 The OC 13.50 Maniffesto 14.20 Y Clwb Pel-Droed Rhyngwladol: Cymru v Canada 16.35 04 Wal 17.00 How Clean Is Your House? What I don’t like about S4C, is that you get a few programes from C4, just the shit ones. 17.30 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm 19.00 Crwydro Would it be too much to ask for Channel 4 as well? 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol Maybe it’s just my English speaking narrowmindedness. 20.30 Cyngerdd yr Urdd Gyda But a concert from Anglesy? You get Van Gogh on C4 at least. 22.20 Newyddion News. Still probably better than the delights on offer on ITV. So where’s that Welsh dictionary, then? 22.35 Big Brother Don’t get me started on this bag of turd. The sooner these monkeys get back to the job centre in Truro the better. 23.40 30 Minutes The time it takes to walk to Comet and buy Sky so you can watch Channel 4 00.10 Body Talk: Sex 01.10 Big Brother Live Live?? I moaned about Friends but this. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. I like blinking, I do. 02.50 FILM: The Fog With Adrienne Barbeau and Jamie Lee Curtis. (Horror, 1980) Someone told me the plot of this as a ghost story once, scared the shit out of me.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Barney 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.30 Make It Big 11.00 Morris 2274 11.20 Aliens among Us 11.35 Braceface 12.00 Rooted 12.35 Divine Designs 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 FILM: Half a Sixpence *** 16.25 five news and sport 16.35 The Tale of Peter Rabbit and Beatrix Potter I’ve just been informed that it’s National Masturbation Month. 17.10 FILM: Tarzan and the Lost City With Casper Van Dien and Jane March. (Adventure, 1998) Never heard of this. Surely involves some primate style jungle sex. Monkey optional. Directed by Carl Schenkel. * 18.40 FILM: Cutthroat Island With Geena Davis and Matthew Modine. (Adventure, 1995) Directed by Renny Harlin. ** 21.00 21.00 Fighter Plane Dig... Live! Search for a plane which prevented the bombing of Buckingham Palace 22.30 five News Late 22.35 Spontaneous Human Combustion If you want to know what happened to Martin Platt here’s the grisly truth. 23.40 World's Wildest Police Videos 00.25 Major League Baseball Sundays are wank, aren’t they? To be honest you may as well switch off and do your bit for National Masturbation Month.

19.00 Who Rules the Roost 20.00 Strictly Come Dancing Well, with quality programming such as this, it makes you wonder why the Beeb’s third channel only gets its fat arse off the settee at seven in the evening. Presumably it spends its afternoons doing somthing productive, like petitioning for BBC to get rid of its shite unwatched programming. 21.00 Bodies 22.00 Coupling The US version of this something amusing Brit comedy went down quicker than a White House intern on ketamine. 22.30 Little Angels Parenting tips for those in possession of cheeky monkeys. They’ll grow out of it. Actually, I’m still a little bastard. 22.45 Kingdom Hospital 23.25 The Mighty Boosh Too easy. Much Too Easy. 23.55 Strictly Come Dancing 00.50 Trauma on Three Is there anything else? I suppose Clarkson isn’t here tonight 01.20 Love for Sale 01.50 Bodies 02.50 Who Rules the Roost

09.25 American Idol Finale 10.15 American Idol Finale: The Result 12.10 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.20 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.05 Hell's Kitchen Live 20.00 American Idol Finale: Last two gobshites battle it out to see who is the less popular gobshite. 21.55 Simon Cowell Satan’s litte helper, Kate Thornton, profiles the man himself (Cowell rather than Satan, though some may argue a fine line). In fact, let’s just get him and the Top Gear twat to have a fight to the death. I’m sure Cowell would relish the opportunity to stick his microphone in Clarkson’s exhaust pipe. 22.55 Hell's Kitchen Breakfast TV casualty Mark Durden-Smith soils our screens once more. Although friend of GR TV, Jordan, pops up to cook some chips. 00.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 02.00 Coronation Street 02.25 Teleshopping 04.25 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.00 Trisha Britain’s chav population broadcasts itself to the rest of the population. Beware, sportswear.

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Flaunt Fab 5 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Simpsons Not much room to write here, just rest assured that there is one yellow shaded beacon of light on the dire Sunday schedules. 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 Very Worst...Sports Disasters Head to the playing field for clips of the worst sporting catastrophes. 22.00 How Gay Are You? 23.00 Mile High 00.00 Sun, Sea and Silicone 01.00 Shock Video

06.00 Big Brother Live 17.00 Friends First off, I’m sorry L.S. You thought it’d gone. Wrong! You’ll be watching this and Cheers repeats for the rest fo your days. 17.30 Faking It Pizza chef swaps his kitchen for a Four Star restaurant. Aren’t they the same thing? 18.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.25 The OC I want to go home now. 20.25 Friends Same one as before. Don’t get excited girls. 21.00 Friends What’s going to happen? You probably know by now. Chandler and Ross, who’d have thunk it eh? 22.00 ER Meester Kovac heelps an injuured women cross dee road. The first Croatian accent attempted in GR for years fails miserably. Ah well. 23.00 Infamous Fives Series Looking at naughty celebs. Features Winona and Elton John amongst others. 23.30 Big Brother Live Live and continuous coverage from the Big Brother house. Punishment to insomniacs nationwide.

08.20 Vee-TV 08.50 T4: Friends 09.20 T4: Popworld 10.15 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.45 T4: Big Brother's Little Brother 13.50 T4: Big Brother: Launch Show Launch Show? Launch it off a big fucking cliff and while you’re there, throw Dermot O’Leary with it. 14.55 T4: Big Brother 15.55 T4: England's Anthems T4 gets an insight into the music listened to by England’s players. Find out what Kieron Dyer soundtracks his homemade porn with and what Michael ‘Hustler’ Owen pokers to. 16.55 T4: Friends 17.25 T4: Friends 18.30 T4: The OC 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Vincent: The Full Story More van Gogh madness 21.00 Big Brother That’s 6 episodes today. You sick voyeuristic bastards. 22.00 FILM: Swordfish With John Travolta and Hugh Jackman. (Thriller, 2001) Directed by Dominic Sena. *** 23.55 Prince's Trust Urban Music Festival: 00.55 Big Brother Live . 02.50 Perfect 03.00 Football: South American Championship

“

It will be a joke if we are relegated after only losing one match. We introduce next year’s Sport Editors

”

Will Muse, Crcket Club Chairman May 2004 Cricket in danger of relegation

Back Page

Page 31

Issue 764 24 May 2004 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

GR Sport Folio Page 31

French Open tennis preview. Below.

Open French could be Fed’s cup By Alex Macpherson Deputy Editor THIS YEAR has seen Roger Federer firmly establish himself as the most naturally talented player of his generation, capable of playing several levels beyond what his nearest rivals can muster.

HEATED: Last year’s semi However the slow clay surface has the capacity to bring out his more impatient tendencies - and if there’s one player who thrives on provoking his opponents into rash errors, it’s the speedy, consistent Guillermo Coria. The two men have to be considered joint favourites for the title, especially with last year’s champion Juan Carlos Ferrero hampered by injury and poor form, and Marat Safin reverting back to his old enigmatic, moody self. One thing’s for certain; neither Andy Roddick nor Lleyton Hewitt will be making much of an impact. Roddick has thus far proved singularly incapable of mastering the nuances of clay and can appear tactically vacant all too often; Meanwhile Hewitt’s reign at No 1 appears to have been merely the result of good timing (post-Sampras and Agassi, pre-Federer and Ferrero) rather than outstanding

talent. Dark horses for the title are Carlos Moyà, a former champion whose flashes of brilliance are frustratingly unpredictable these days, and David Nalbandian, whose solid consistency has paid dividends over the past year; meanwhile, outsiders such as Tommy Robredo and Gaston Gaudio could well cause trouble to the big names. The women have limped through 2004 in somewhat desultory fashion so far, with various injuries and illnesses culling their elite players to the bare minimum; Belgian number two Kim Clijsters has already withdrawn from the championships. Ironically, though, the various question marks hanging over each contender’s head makes this the most intriguing Slam for some time. The bitter rivals who have dominated the past two years, Serena Williams and Justine Henin-Hardenne, have suffered most. Serena’s return from knee surgery has resulted in form which has been patchy at best, while HeninHardenne has been forced to sit out the past two months recuperating from a virus similar to glandular fever. A rematch of last year’s controversial semi-final would nevertheless be a marquee face-off fuelled by bitterness and resentment on both sides. While the cats were away Venus Williams and Amélie Mauresmo played; both carry impressive winning streaks into Paris, with the talented yet fragile Mauresmo taking the biggest honours in Berlin and Rome. Their good form nevertheless comes with question marks. Venus was forced to withdraw from her last tournament due to an ankle injury, while doubts linger over Mauresmo’s ability to cope with the pressure of her home crowd’s expectation. Naturally, should any of the top women falter, an ever-expanding army of Russians lie in wait to mop up the spoils - especially with the careers of former world champions Lindsay Davenport and Jennifer Capriati in permanent stagnation, if not decline. Svetlana Kuznetsova has impressed most of the Red Army this year, notching up wins against both Henin-

Hardenne and Venus Williams; Vera Zvonareva and Nadia Petrova have also made significant progress since breaking through at last year’s French Open, and neither will be an easy opponent for anyone. Keep an eye out as well for 16-yearold French prodigy Tatiana Golovin, who has already risen nearly 300 ranking places in just five months and who

will have her home crowd enthusiastically cheering her on. At the other end of the age spectrum, there’s the fascinating prospect of Martina Navratilova, 47, returning to competitive singles play. The veteran will compete in her first Grand Slam singles in 11 years. It is likely that British interest will, as ever, be kept firmly to a minimum;

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the less said about Tim Henman and Greg Rusedski’s clay-court skills the better, while Anne Keothavong - the only British woman to even enter qualifying - has already lost her first round match in straight sets. Nonetheless there’s enough intrigue among the true elite of the sport to ensure a fortnight full of style, drama, emotion and thrilling tennis.

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Sport

May 24 2004

Page 31

grsport@cf.ac.uk Tom Brown gives the AU view on the funding issue

By Tom Brown AU President SINCE THE appointment of a Rugby Development Co-ordinator in November 2002, the rugby scene at Cardiff University has gone from strength to strength. Adrian Evans’ achievements have exceeded all expectations and in just 15 months the 1st XV have taken victory in the Varsity for the first time, won their league this year and gained promotion to the elite premier league. However, Adrian has achieved so much more than just ‘performance’ success. He

has successfully restructured IMG rugby, which involves over 200 players weekly, thus ensuring meeting the ever growing Health and Safety requirements and also increased revenue from sponsorship by almost 1000% a year making the rugby club completely self-sufficient. This has relieved an already overstretched Athletic Union in both finance

Evans’ achievements have exceeded all expectations and time demands leading to many knockon benefits to all other sports clubs. There are many answers to the common question of why rugby? One person cannot do much to develop 50 sports but as Adrian has shown, they certainly can do a lot for one. This means that we have to focus and

Sailing close to the wind

WITH THE SUMMER sports season now in full swing there are a number of opportunities to Cardiff students to get involved with the watersports programme on Cardiff Bay. The University run a Royal Yachting Association Training Centre from Cardiff Yacht Club, a fantastic new development based in Cardiff Bay. Now the summer is here and exams are finished this is a great opportunity to get involved with this scheme before the summer break. The watersports programme is pretty far reaching, cov-

ering a number of pursuits and catering for complete beginners through to seasoned professionals. Courses are aimed at the student market and as such will cost you a fraction of what you would pay at a commercial centre. These are excellent opportunities to get involved in a massive area of development, and for those leaving Cardiff might just well prove to be that crucial C V skill that secures that graduate job! Upcoming courses include: May 29th/30th Level 2 powerboating Level 1 Start Sailing 1st/2nd June Level 2 Basic skills Sailing 1st/2nd June June 7th RYA Emergency 1st Aid For more information on any aspect of this programme please contact: Nick King 02920 782437 kingn2@cf.ac.uk

in order to do so we have to start somewhere and why not rugby? Historically, rugby has been recognised as the premier sport within British Universities and as the Welsh national sport it would be impossible to choose another focus sport ahead of it. However, this certainly does not mean it is the be all and end all as we strive to have further focus sports in the near future. Then I believe we will really see that ‘success breeds success’. In conclusion, the appointment of Adrian Evans as the Rugby Development Coordinator has been and always will be completely in the interests of the Athletic Union and all its members. The A.U. can only be thankful to the University for its funding of this valuable resource and we sincerely hope that they continue their support into further focus sports.

Cardiff bat off BUSA contin. from Back Cardiff secured the victory with two overs to spare, after Cane-Hardy (50), Dixon (37) and Paul (34) set the foundations for Luke Sellars to smash two sixes to win the match, laying a frustrating season to rest. The 2nds also notched up an impressive win against a strong Southampton side. Sterling bowling performances from Ball (3-34) and (Tucker 4-4) reduced the visitors to 153 all out in just 40 overs.

Knocking on Evans’ door continued from Back Page Evans believes the scheme has been a success that has benefited all sports, "The rugby team is now financially selfsufficient which gives the AU more money to distribute to other clubs." Evans also states that the employment of a Rugby Development Co-ordinator was a calculated risk that has paid off, "The position is a blueprint for future developments, we have to start somewhere and we’re certainly on-track." AU President Tom Brown agrees with Evans’ assertions, "The appointment of a Rugby Development Co-ordinator is a stepping-stone toward general sporting success. It is not a case of ignoring minority sports, the achievements of the rugby team will breed success." Brown is in a difficult position due to the fact that Adrian Evans’ post is paid for by the University not the AU, "People come to me and ask for a more even dis-

tribution of funds but they must remember that the AU fights everyone’s corner. The Rugby Development Co-ordinator is not appointed or funded by us (the AU). “The rugby team have really improved during Evans’ tenure, winning promotion this season and beating Swansea in last year’s Varsity game.” added Brown. Evans points out that rugby must be taken seriously, "In most universities, rugby is the premier sport and the fact that the BUSA final takes place at Twickenham supports this. Unlike footballers, rugby players can combine playing careers with uni and we need to support them." The AU may be hamstrung by the University’s decision to award funding to the rugby team but some of the University’s sportspeople have suggested alternative uses for Cardiff ’s money. Mike Rabjohns, former football team chairman and current Union Finance Officer, questions the University’s allo-

University duo eye 2006 World Cup campaign By John Stanton Deputy Sports Editor AS THE WELSH national women’s rugby squad embark on an exciting tour to South Africa, Cardiff University continues its current culture of producing world class female rugby stars with the inclusion of Cheryl Tyler and Philippa Tuttliet in the travelling party. Had it not been for work commitments, Katherine Lenaghan, a third Cardiff student, would also have been boarding the plane for the long flight to Johannesburg. With university captain Mari Ropstad also representing Norway, there is no shortage of ability within the women’s rugby club. Such depth of talent explains why the university 1st XV were able to reach the semi-finals of BUSA, only losing narrowly to eventual champions Edinburgh. International recognition was wholly unexpected for both Tyler and Tuttliet, both of whom only started playing rugby when they arrived in Cardiff, "I only started when I came to university and that was because they were the only ones drinking beer at the Freshers’ Fair", Tyler explains. "Philippa and I always joke

Southampton’s bowling attack looked useful as Henry removed Tom Stevens, Steve Clarke and James Woodroof in under half an hour, leaving Cardiff reeling on 29-3. Up stepped Jones and Tucker who took a liking to the bowling, stroking the ball to all parts of the ground; the pair both finished on 49 not out, giving Cardiff a seven wicket victory with over 16 overs to spare. Overview: Cardiff 252/6 v Reading 169/6 Warwick 200 v Cardiff 201/3

about the fact that we never played rugby until we came to university. At the start we just used to mess around a bit. University rugby was always a social thing as much as anything." After only a short period playing the game competitively, Tyler was dumbfounded by her selection for the Welsh squad by Director of Women’s Rugby for Wales, Richard Hodges. It happened on my birthday so I thought it was just a prank but it turned out to be absolutely genuine." With such a relatively small amount of experience, a South African training camp will prove a real asset as she continues her development, "They say they’re going to try and squeeze a year’s worth of training into two and a half weeks. It’s not going to be like a holiday; it’s going to be really hard work." The 32 strong squad has been selected with the forthcoming 2006 World Cup firmly in mind and tough tests against provincial sides in Pretoria and elsewhere are likely to provide invaluable experience for all involved. Having finished university just two days before her scheduled departure, Tyler is grateful for small mer-

cies as many of the other sixth form and university students involved will face the unenviable task of taking their exams between or at the end of training sessions. While this embodies the romantic nature of amateur sport, it is also characteristic of the problems that

prohibit women making the progress that has been witnessed in the men’s professional game. However, such recognition can only serve to promote the women’s game in Cardiff and aid the development of others striving for the glory of international selection.

Rugby internationals: Tyler and Ropstad

cation of sporting funds, "It’s been a great appointment for the rugby team but I’d love the other big sports to get the same resources." Rabjohns argues that Cardiff University needs to unlock its sporting potential, "If the uni were ambitious they would provide a development officer for all the top sports. In terms of the budget, these people’s salaries would be inconsequential." While the AU say that Evans’ appointment marks the beginning of a quest for sporting excellence, accusations of biased funding refuse to die down. What happens next is likely to be a clear demonstration of Cardiff University’s attitude towards sporting success. The options are numerous but next year’s BUSA results may just indicate in which direction our sports clubs are heading. Rabjohns summed up the union’s argument. “The ideal situation for everyone concerned would be for every sports club to have university funded coaching”

Sevens Heaven THE ANNUAL Cardiff University Rugby Sevens is taking place on Wednesday 9th June. Last year’s tournament was a great success, attracting 12 teams with players from both Cardiff University and other institutions. The cup was won by the impressive Neath College Old Boys whilst Swansea Crew were victorious in the bowl competition. Following on from last year’s success, this year’s tournament looks set to be bigger than ever. The tournament takes place throughout the day on Pontcanna pitches situated behind Talybont and is an excellent excuse to have a few cans in the sun! If any are teams interested in entering, team sheets will be available from Monday in the AU.

gair rhydd

FRENCH OPEN PREVIEW

BROWN BITES BACK

gr sport look ahead to the tennis showpiece

AU President Tom Brown refutes allegations of bias

See page 30

See page 31

Cardiff bat off BUSA

PHOTO: WILL MUSE By James Woodroof Cricket correspondent CARDIFF 1ST XI easily defeated both Reading and Warwick on the final weekend of the season, yet BUSA officials are still threatening relegation after the Southampton fiasco where no umpires turned up. Club chairman Will Muse is clearly upset at the prospect: “It will be a joke if we’re relegated after only losing one match. We’re the best side in the league and it would be a shame to go down following a genuine administrative mistake.” Entertaining Reading, Cardiff recorded 252-6, including a magnificent 114 not out from left-hander John Ellis, ably supported by Warren Stafford (56). Reading finished on only 169-6 thanks to some surprising bowling changes made by stand-in skipper Lloyd Ebden. Two days later Cardiff entertained Warwick and were set a target of 200 for victory thanks to a bowling attack spearheaded by Academy bowler Luke Sellars. Pick of the bowlers were Jenner (42-2) and Gray (38-2), and the only substantial resistance came from Darren Bates (38).

Story continued on Page 31

Cricket team defiantly fight BUSA disqualification plans

KNOCKING ON EVANS’ DOOR EXCLUSIVE

RUGBY DEVELOPMENT CO-ORDINATOR Adrian Evans has staunchly defended his position within the Athletic Union as accusations of biased funding rumble on. Rugby is the only club to benefit from year-round professional assistance and the decision to privilege the sport over other AU clubs has proved to be a contentious one. The role’s two year trial is up in

Adrian Evans (middle), Rugby Development Co-ordinator

By Thom Airs, Deputy Sports Editor

November and the University must decide whether to continue with the scheme. The post - occupied by Evans since its inception is funded by the University rather than the Athletic Union, and is believed to earn the Students’ Union thousands of pounds in sponsorship money.

Story continued on Page 31 AU President’s response Page 31

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