gair rhydd - Issue 765

rhydd

gair

free word - EST. 1972

gair rhydd

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

TV Desk get exclusive rights to interview Wacko Jacko himself...

ISSUE 765. MAY 31 2004

FREE

Issue 13 - May 3 1 2004

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Quench talks to 3 Degrees BMX Champion and ‘King of the Dir t’ Kye For te

Interviews, Travel, Sport, Fashion,

Music, Books, DC Gates, Film, Blind Date, Going Out...

! t n e l l e X BM

Interviews - Fashi on - Gay - Travel - Music - Books Digital - Film - Arts - Food - Going Out

Also this fortnight: BOOKS jazz it up MUSIC take on Sonic Youth FILM get chainsawed

40 pages packed with reviews, news and features

BREAKING BONDS Cardiff students angered over landlords’ refusal to refund housing deposits

By Matt Wilkin News Reporter CARDIFF STUDENTS are up in arms amid fears that security bonds held on their houses will not be returned at the end of the academic year.

Those preparing to leave Cardiff for the summer are growing increasingly worried that deposits they paid at the start of their tenancies – of around £200 in most cases – are likely to be withheld by their landlords.

Bonds act as security against damage, rent arrears and cleaning costs.

Should the landlord consider that the property is left in an unsatisfactory condition at the end of the tenancy,

they are obligated to deduct from the bond any necessary expenses.

But reports are circulating about the conduct of some agents, with many students left waiting for months for their bonds to be returned and others feeling cheated and left out-of-pocket when charges have been made.

One third year English Literature student waited for two months for her bond to be returned, saying: “My mum ended up ringing the landlord before he agreed to send it back, but my other housemates are still waiting for theirs.”

She also told gair rhydd that she had been charged for cleaning and a broken window, despite her parents spending two days scrubbing it from top to bottom. “He [the landlord] had

told us he was going to knock out the window anyway and extend the kitchen. It’s ridiculous.”

Maria Al-Haddad, manager of the Union’s Student Advice Centre, said that she and her team receive the most enquiries from students concerned about their housing bonds.

“We see a lot of students in the September after tenancies finish, when we can be of most use much earlier, before they sign anything.

That way, we can inform them on what steps to take”.

Ms Al-Harrad continued by saying that most landlords and agents do return bonds to tenants in full, normally within 28 days of the contract expiring. “Most are very lenient, especially when it comes to normal wear-and-tear,” she said, “but you

should always make a request for the bond to be recovered in writing and keep copies of everything you send.”

The Student Advice Centre also recommends contacting the Cardiff Bond Board, which operates the Custodial Bond Scheme (CBS).

Established in 1992, the scheme is a non-profit organisation funded by the National Assembly which acts as a ‘third party’ between the landlord and the tenant.

Yvonne Bennett, CBS bond officer, said: “We act as common ground between both parties, whereby the bond is entered into an account and remains untouched until the end of the tenancy. We then aim to return the bonds as quickly as possible, as well as providing an independent appeal process should there be any dispute.”

With 225 properties on her books, Ms Bennett encourages students to ensure that their landlord complies with the scheme and to visit the Board should further information be required.

The Student Advice Centre is located on the third floor of the Students’ Union and operates on a drop-in basis (no appointment necessary).

Representatives from Cardiff Law School will be available for consultation in the Advice Centre on Wednesday 2 June between 2 and 4pm, again on a drop-in basis.

Yvonne Bennett can be contacted at the Cardiff Bond Board on St Mary Street or by phoning 02920 371377.

The website is located at www.cardiff-bond-board.co.uk.

News

Page 2

May 31 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance

News Editorial Icarus Politics Letters Jobs & Money Competitions Media Listings Five Minute Fun Comedy Problem TV Listings Sport

1 6 8 9 11 13 15 16 18 19 20 21 30

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS Caroline Farwell, AJ Silvers EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood, A.J Silvers SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS Perri lewis GRAB Sheryl Plant MEDIA Gary Andrews, Bec Storey JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill FIVE MINUTE FUN Laura Davies HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken, David Doyle, Will Talmage DEPUTY SPORTS EDITORS Thom Airs, John Stanton PROOF READERS Alys Southwood, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Hannah Perry CONTRIBUTORS Matt Wilkins, Ema Greenhalgh, Louise Wilkins, Jennifer Dunkerly, James Emtage, Joseph Humphreys, Kerry- Lynne Doyle, Debbie Green, Will Dean, Piyush Roy, Suzanne Carter, Alex Dove, Steph Eagleton, Poulomi Mrinal Saha, Laura Chamberlain, James Woodroof

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

TOP-UP FEES LIKELY FOR ENGLISH UNIVERSITIES

Top-up fees to ...so will students flock to Wales? widen uni access

By Emma Greenhalgh Reporter

TOP-UP FEES now seem a probability for future students after the Higher Education bill passed through its final stages in the House of Commons last month.

The government now faces just one more vote in The House of Lords before it can introduce its plans across English Higher Education institutions in 2006.

But the NUS are gearing-up for one last push to stop the government’s plans by campaigning for Lords to vote against the bill.

A scheme is now in place where universities can ‘adopt’ a Lord who will represent them in parliament. So far, 96 Lords have been adopted by various universities across the UK including Glamorgan, Aberystwyth and Swansea.

Cardiff has not yet signed-up for a Lord, although Emma Bebington, the Union’s Community and Communications Officer said, “We have applied to various Welsh Lords for their support, but they are yet to respond.”

The Lords are currently considering possible amendments to the bill. Mark Beacon, spokesperson for NUS Wales, says that the lords have the power, "to make fundamental amendments." One issue they are considering is the variability of fees. Universities will be at liberty to set tuition fees at anything between £1,125 and £3,000.

BBC researchers contacted 83 universities in England. Out of 42 who responded, 90 per cent said that they

were considering charging students the full £3,000. Sixty-four per cent said that they had definitely decided to charge the maximum fee. This bill is predicted to provide a seven to ten per cent increase in income for universities.

Twenty-six per cent of the universities questioned said they would like to charge more and that an appropriate fee would range from £5,000 to £7,000 annually.

The fees will not be paid up-front but paid back once the graduate is earning over £15,000. Baroness Sharp - Lib-Dem Education spokesperson pointed out that "the minimum proposed £5 weekly repayment doesn’t even pay back the interest on £20,000.

This would subject all low earners to the full 25 years of debt repayment."

But Charles Clarke - Secretary of State for Education - stated to MPs on January 8 2004 that the student loan will be "free of real interest." This would be advantageous for students who currently incur the "commercial rates" of banks and loan companies.

Furthermore, the repayment rate will be based on earnings rather than debt.

Rebel Labour MPs proposed certain amendments to the bill and Clarke’s "duties" towards it, that have been accepted. Clarke must impose a £3,000 cap on any university that tries to charge higher fees. Any attempt to raise the £3,000 limit after 2010 would require a vote from both Houses of Parliament.

The Welsh Assembly intends to suspend variable fees for at least one year - until the 2007 intake. This means that students in Wales will have the luxury of a flat rate fee of around £1,250 while

LOCAL FOCUS: Which charity does the shop support?

South Wales Rape and Sexual Abuse Charity and Socelex Animal Shelter.

Apart from helping the charities financially we also bring to light moral issues and represent the fact that support is out there. We also act as ‘agony aunts’ for stressful students, particularly around this time!

How has your custom changed in the time this shop has been around?

The shop has been open for 18 years and obviously the area has become more student-orientated. This has not really affected our custom as many students seem to come to charity shops. Also this shop is an integral part of the community as many regulars pop in for a chat, particularly those from the elder generation. It’s important they know they have

English students will be subjected to increased fees.

This initially seems like a huge relief for students at Welsh universities.

But Cardiff MP Jon Owen Jones voted against the introduction of variable fees in England due to his concerns about the repercussions for the Higher Education system in Wales.

Welsh universities will be missing out on £1,750 per student. The Welsh Assembly will have to subsidise 27,232 students which the MP calculates will cost £48 million. Jon Owen Jones says that, "it would be legally impossible to justify charging flat rate fees for 2006 entrants and then to subsequently introduce higher fees as of a student’s second year.

“This means a total cost of £146 million will have to be found over the course of three years.” This is the minimum amount and does not take account of the market distortions that will result from English students flocking to Welsh universities. English students will displace Welsh places forcing them to look to English universities.

The Treasury will not provide more spends to fund fees not charged. The Assembly’s money will consequently be diverted away from Welsh schools and hospitals to make up the funds.

Poorer students who depend upon bursaries and grants may abandon Welsh universities if they fail to provide funds. This reduction could prove just as damaging as an influx of English students.

The Assembly is waiting on a report due in May 2005 by Prof. Teresa Rees, which will determine whether variable fees will be introduced in Wales.

A SOAPBOX FOR THE VIEWS OF CARDIFF RESIDENTS

somewhere they can come to.

What items do you sell and which seem to be the most popular?

We sell household goods, bric-abrac, games, books including works by well-known authors and of course clothes; the item we sell most of.

Upstairs we have what students call ‘the bad-taste room’ where you can pick up retro gear, dressing-up and vintage style clothes. Original 70’s shirts are on sell for £2.99.

What are your plans for the future?

Just to keep going! There is always an advertisement on the door for volunteers and we have had students working for us before; a hot dinner is provided!

NAME: Christine Wyndells

Interview by Bethany Whiteside

LOCATION:

AGE:

60 Volunteer at InterAid Charity Shop, Crwys Road

By Will Talmage Deputy News Editor POTENTIAL STUDENTS from deprived areas are being dissuaded from university due to the lack of family or community expectations, an MP has claimed.

Areas such as Merseyside are being targeted by Alan Johnson, the minister for further and higher education, in an attempt to improve university attendance levels from lower socio-economic backgrounds.

In a recent interview, he said, "The access regulator will be asking universities like Liverpool and John Moores what they are doing to get out into those estates. Some of the kids might as well go to Pluto as to university. Their culture says get out of education as quickly as you can."

According to the government’s plans for top-up fees will encourage students from poorer families to go to university.

Students will no-longer be required to pay fees up front and it will therefore put less financial pressure on their families.

Liverpool University has already taken steps to attract students from more diverse backgrounds. The Widening Participation Team is part of the Centre for Lifelong Learning and is involved in a number of projects targeted at attracting students who traditionally would not have considered going to university.

The group claim that "all the statistics show that people with degrees earn more, have better employment prospects and even have longer life expectancy."

Tricia Jenkins, head of Widening Participation at the university said, "It is not that young people in 55% of the wards at Liverpool, Halton and Knowsley are not as capable, but what they have not got is the choice of getting into higher education. A lot of it is because there is no family expectation and no community expectation that it is normal to go to university."

In some areas of the UK eight out of 10 young people go to university while in other neighbourhoods less than one out of ten young people study at university.

Tricia Jenkins added, "Our belief is that the opportunity for learning should be available to all, and at all times of their life.

"It is an equity issue. It is not going to be solved by universities saying we will let more young people come at 18. We have to start so much younger. A lot of work we do is with primary schools.

Crucially, it has to be with the support of the parents."

Liverpool John Moores University has also taken steps to attract students from poorer backgrounds. Michelle Ibbs, the marketing director for the university said, “As a result, more young people can see themselves as a student – it’s not an intimidating ambition but a real opportuity."

News

May 31 2004

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Counselling service hits back

By Peter Bramwell News Editor THE STUDENT Counselling Service quashed rumours circulating last week that the quality of service it offers is unsatisfactory.

After receiving a number of complaints from students unhappy with the length of time they had to wait for appointments, gair rhydd investigated the issue of whether Cardiff students are being offered an adequate service.

Several claimed that after having an initial introductory appointment with the service, they then had to wait up to four weeks for an individual counselling session. Many raised worries that the group sessions offered in the intervening period were poor and of little help.

One student said, "If you are feeling really bad you don’t want to sit there in front of other people. Nobody really opened up and it made me feel worse talking when nobody else was.

"I went there in January and received a oneoff emergency appointment. After that, I was obviously deemed not to be high-risk. Its now May and I am still on the waiting list for individual counselling.

"Its ridiculous. If I was just relying on the counselling service, and hadn’t been to my doctor, I worry what would have happened."

But the Counselling service has hit back, claiming that the service it offers to students is of a high standard, and equal to many across Britain.

Head of the Counselling Service and chair of Association for University and College Counselling, John Cowley, said, "The student’s risk and needs are prioritised and they are put on a waiting list. At certain times of the year, and in cases where there is a low risk, the wait for one-to-one counselling could be four weeks.

"Currently the average waiting time is two and a half weeks.

“I would encourage students to be flexible about the days and times offered to maximise the opportunity to see a counsellor.”

“Nationally it’s very common and good practice to offer group work as a support, even a theraputic choice, to the right client."

And with waiting times as high as four weeks, this has raised worries that the University is not providing enough funding for the service.

But with sources from the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy pointing out that four weeks was a reasonable waiting time compared to services offered elsewhere in Britain, it appears the problem of a lack of investment mental health services stretches well beyond Cardiff University.

Mr Cowley, also Chair of the Association for University and College Counselling, added, "Nationally, over the last ten years the AUCC survey demonstrates that in real terms the budgets have fallen for counselling services, have not kept pace with the rise in student numbers and do not take into account the impact of widening diversity which rightly provides increased access to University education by those who have mental health difficulties.

"However, Cardiff University has been generous in the provision of funding for special projects over the last seven years."

A statement issued by the University said, "The University is committed to providing the highest possible level of support for students…

It is investing in extra space for the counselling service later this year, and its budget is reviewed annually.”

LAW AND DISORDER Student anger at exam sham

By David Doyle Deputy News Editor LAW STUDENTS have judged an examination a “disheartening" fiasco after they were left without paperwork crucial to their success.

Several second-year students walked out of the Land Law (L) exam in protest against the poor organisation. One student had to be stretchered out of Talybont Sports Hall after collapsing at his desk.

The trouble began when the course syllabus could not be found at a number of desks. The syllabus detailed relevant cases and statutes that were vital to answering the questions. The students had studied the whole course under the premise that this piece of paper would be present.

When students drew attention to the absent syllabus the invigilators allegedly responded by asking them if they could "do without".

"They [the invigilators] were really rude," complained one 2nd year student, who wished to remain anonymous. "They kept insisting that the exam needed to start at nine." The invigilators have been criticised by a

large number of students.

Another angry student remarked: "They seemed to be more interested in keeping to their precious deadlines than helping us out." After trying to locate it, the syllabus invigilators told the students to begin even though it had not been found. They were promised the syllabus would arrive soon.

“We decided ‘let’s take it easy until it gets here,’” said another student.

But the syllabus did not arrive and questions were again met with hostility. Without the syllabus some students felt there was no point in staying. "A few of us left, myself included,” said the 2nd year. "It’s enough stress as it is and I’m going grey enough already."

Students were quick to complain to the Acting Head of Law, Professor David Miers. They were initially offered a retake on June 11 but this was not acceptable to some students who have a busy exam schedule extending into that month.

Professor Miers told gair rhydd that he has met with those concerned and: "proposed a revised set of arrangements which, to judge from the responses … has met their concerns."

The Acting Head was also keen to

point out that "not all students were affected by the problems encountered and that some wished their performance at this examination to be acknowledged."

Professor Miers stands behind his department’s response believing that: “the Law School has responded promptly, has taken into full account students legitimate concerns, and has made arrangements that will be fair to all of them.”

But not all students have been satisfied. Another angry student, who did not want to be named out of fear

of departmental retribution, said, "It’s disheartening that my legal career could have been jeopardised because of this.”

The Law examination is not the only example of administrative disorganisation with more trouble in the integrated Land Law Exam, Engineering exams and a History exam. "We’re paying enough in tuition fees," said one 2nd Year History student, "it’s just not on."

Had any exam problems? Contact gair rhydd at gair_rhydd_news@hotmail.com or call 02920 781 436.

UNDER PRESSURE: students wait for their exam to start.

Star-studded final

By Jonathan Astle Deputy News Editor STARS OF stage and screen were among the 100,000 fans who flocked to Cardiff on Saturday for the FA Cup Final.

Rubbing shoulders with the United faithful were Coronation Street’s Ashley Peacock, Steven Arnold, and opera singer Bryn Terfel.

The Millwall support was fittingly bolstered by bad-boy actor Neil Morrisey.

When gair rhydd caught up with them after the game, it seemed that with all the cheering they had worked up quite a thirst. As Arnold made clear, “Come on mate, how long is this going to take? We’ve got to get to

the pub, I’m dying for a pint.”

A few drinks ahead of them was the TV comedy legend, Neil Morrisey. The sitcom regular and Amanda Holden’s ex managed to remain upright, but the excitement had obviously gone to his head.

Quizzed about his presence he told gair rhydd, “I’m here as a guest of the Welsh Chamber of Tourism and Commerce. I have four properties in Wales, including two hotels and a farm, where I breed cows and sheep and pigs.”

The actor behaved badly enough for the throng of Millwall supporters waiting outside the Holiday Inn as he made his way from the Stadium’s VIP entrance. He paused to sign autographs and pose for photos, exchanged banter with the men and

flirted outrageously with the ladies.

Bouyed by the bonhomie of his fellow supporters Neil echoed a common criticism of Utd fans. He questioned their commitment saying, “My little brother is a Man Utd fan – and he’s an arsehole as well!”

Gracing the stadium with greater gravity was the huge talent of singer Bryn Terfel. The towering tenor, who regularly regails the stadium with his sonorous tones before ruby internationals, was attending the match as a guest of the Welsh Development Association. Despite his fierce national pride, Bryn was keen to make plain his long-standing Utd support. “I’ve followed them since I was four years old, but this is the first time I’ve been able to see them in the final.”

MORRISEY: with fag

Editorial & Opinion

Page 6

May 31 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

Imagine if your entire career rested on receiving a simple photocopied sheet. Then consider your reaction when you learn that, through careless stupidity, the sheet had been lost.

As our story on page three depicts, for many second year law students this was a frightening reality.

For a member of staff to be so utterly negligent that they are unable to provide the basic provisions for an exam is criminal.

It is about time that the university realised these exams shape our entire lives, especially in a qualification led career such as law. The only way to prevent this repeating nightmare from happening again is to recognise the need for increased resources – and more disciplined management.

Whoever was responsible for the law cock-up is lucky to have kept their job.

And the comments from the Acting Head of the Law school Professor Miers, hardly fill us with confidence. He told gair rhydd that "not all students were affected by the problems encountered and that some wished their performance at this examination to be acknowledged."

To try to limit the damage by suggesting that the problem is not widespread is ridiculous – if even one student has dropped a single percentage point this is still a disaster. Potentially, three years of work may as well be binned.

It is unsurprising that several students stormed out of the exam hall. The university clearly realises the importance of exams – there are league table to compete for. Continued success will depend on the welfare of students moving to the top of their list of priorities.

e-ddicted.com

By Jennifer Dunkerly

I

have a love/hate relationship with my computer at the moment. Although it has proved very helpful in researching ideas, reading news articles and generally getting everything for free, it’s becoming a very worrying distraction and consumer of my time. Are computers as important in our lives as we think and what is it about them that we ‘just can’t live without’?

I agree that much of the internet is hugely beneficial for our lives its got to be said that a hell of a lot of it isn’t. At the moment, while attempting to type up my revision notes, I am thinking up weird and wonderful tasks for a man in a chicken suit on a webcam, surfing through a ‘virtual nightclub’ and have several MSN conversations on the go (mainly with my housemates). We are also fans of such web-sites as Create your own DJ name, Stress Relief Penguin and The Condom Game.

Computers and the internet make you such an unsociable person. You have access to so much information, mostly irrelevant rubbish, and it wastes hours and hours of your day because one thing

I

am a second year student with a few qualms with the way I have been treated. Firstly I am one of a fairly large number (yet still a minority I confess) who have been subjected to a ridiculous academic schedule.

After January’s exams, which I revised for after handing in Christmas coursework, I then often had to hand in two items of coursework in the same week over the space of March and April, alongside huge amounts of tutorial preparations. Then, once this was over, I had to spend Easter doing coursework and, therefore, spent a mere weekend with my family, the rest of my time being spent in the library and typing on my laptop all day long.

“ridiculous academic schedule” I understand from talking to friends that many other students are in the same position. However, as soon as I handed in my last piece of coursework, I had just over one week before my summer exams started. In the exams, a couple ran to being three over four days, and the others were in close proximity to each other. For the record, in my exams so far, in one we were not provided with the correct material and, therefore, it turned calamitous and rumour has it there have been a couple of instances of wrong material and vanishing

material occurring.

My rant concerns why the course co-ordinators are not acting in our best interests? They are responsible for our degrees to a large extent. They should recognise that we need a

“excuses for bad results” minimum amount of time to prepare for exams and appropriate spaces between each. They should be monitoring the conditions we are set to study in instead of merely looking at the results afterwards and fabricating excuses for bad results or, as usual, blaming us for poor time management, poor operational management, etc, etc.

They should be assessing the exams we sit, when we sit them, and other factors surrounding it - for instance, is it right to have a Saturday exam in Talybont or the Union when people are playing sport or doing PR stunts outside within earshot? There need to be better gaps between coursework deadlines and exam periods to allow for revision and coursework should be spread out more fairly (e.g. if we all had to hand in a separate piece of coursework once a month then the results would show its better than handing in two a week in the last two months).

Anyway, rant over, more revision to fit into my busy schedule. Can't wait until summer when I can get my life back (re-sits pending).

Best of luck to all the other students with the last exams, their results, and summer fun!

“a man in a chicken suit on a webcam” it’s similar to the text language and if you don’t know that by now you’re completely screwed. Checking my mail has turned into a marathon job since getting a computer and coming to university. I have hundreds of letters, adverts, forwarded jokes and God knows what else built up in there. It’s a gorgeous hot and sunny day and instead of enjoying it outside I’m emailing everyone to tell them how sunny it is outside and how they ‘wish they were here’. Downloading music is an obvi-

ous advantage of computers. Since discovering this phenomenon I haven’t have to fork out for another CD and my music collection has grown considerably. Instead of going to the shop for a newspaper I can read the news direct online, another cash advantage. One lost however, when I look at all the junk I’ve bought on eBay. So instead of sitting in a small sweaty computer room, ignoring everyone around you, or locked away in your bedroom clicking away and straining your eyes because its got dark so quick (or you’ve been online for so long) you haven’t had time to turn any lights on, let’s shutdown for a minute. Let’s remember a time in our lives when we didn’t have all this technology at our fingertips. Did we survive? Yes. Did we have more friends? Yes, and we saw them more. Did we panic if our phoneline was out of order? No, we just went round to see people instead. What I’m basically saying is that we can in fact live without these things, we just choose not to because they are too involved now and it seems less effort to enjoy them. They are changing our social behaviour without us even realising, and that can’t be a good thing. I’m not saying I want to get rid of my computer altogether but on a long hot summer’s

James Emtage’s exam Hitler

Exam hell M

By Louise Wilkins

seems to distract you with another. Like most modern technology it is highly entertaining but it does make me feel slightly hermit-like when locked away typing at a screen instead of talking face to face. What’s the deal with this surfing-style computer lingo too? No one actually explains to you what "LOL", "BRB" or "TTYL" mean. I’m guessing

r. Robert F.B. DavisonClarke lives for one purpose and one purpose only: to invigilate university exams.

Known by many as ‘the Hitler at the front of the hall’, it is his one moment each year to impose his authority on the downfall of others and boy doesn’t he just love it.

He’s known throughout the network of invigilators as being the harshest one in his field and can recite the rules in The Invigilators Handbook at 12 pages a minute, over 3 pages above the average. This man does not miss a trick; he knows the rights of the student’s inside out,

Joseph Humphrey’s

S

o, Quentin Tarantino then.

Scribbler of hard boiled dialogue, savvy observer of our morbid fascination with violence, all round directorial genius and if most critics are to be believed at the top of his game with Kill Bill Volume 2. Who are they trying to fool? It isn’t fit to be mentioned in the same breath as Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction. I certainly don’t want to rid the world of the man who gave us those modern classics. I just want to see the back of the bloke who gave us the bloated, slapdash, half-arsed mess that is his latest offering.

The first installment may not have been up to the standard of his early 90s output but it was interesting enough to get us ready for part two.

Its sequel isn’t a terrible film. It has its moments. Best of all is the scene

such as when and where one can go to the toilet, and his forte is regulations about desk spacing and coat hanging. If you think you’ll get away with having your jumper over the back of your chair with him in the hall then you’ve got another thing coming.

He takes a perverse pleasure at watching the hundreds of faces stare up at him, waiting for HIS cue as to when they can start, and HIS cue as to when they can stop. So power hungry, he regards himself as the one thing that is determining the outcome of the mass of examinees sitting in front of him. His stopwatch controls their fate.

He didn’t always think so highly of

himself; in fact he only reached this elevated status when the senior invigilator was off sick one year, resulting in the almighty job of ‘operator of the mega phone’ landing as his responsibility – a job for which he had waited almost 18 years and, to his delight, has been in charge of ever since.

As he sips his neat scotch before going to bed, he visualises himself patrolling the rows of desks in Talybont Sports Hall and says back to himself how no one may leave an hour into the exam or half an hour before the end of the exam. Most can’t wait to leave that bloody exam hall but for Robert F.B. DavisonClarke, it’s like his second home.

ROOM 101 involving beard-stroking, swordhopping legend Pai Mei, who trains Uma Thurman’s Bride with insulting aplomb. But for every great scene there are several ball-achingly tedious ones. For example, the episode where Bill tells the bride the story of Mei is needlessly protracted, made worse by Bill’s insistence on punctuating his sentences with cackhanded ‘playing’ of a flute-like instrument, making him look like a pub bore version of Little Britain’s Scottish hotelier.

After the action packed first part Tarantino justifiably makes Volume 2 heavier on dialogue. Unfortunately the dialogue is more likely to have you looking at your watch than, say, at the screen with interest. Who in their right mind could possibly think that Bill’s self-important ‘superhero’ monologue is in the same league as Samuel L Jackson’s epic psuedo

religious philosophising near the end of Pulp Fiction?

The characters are no great shakes either. Bill’s oh-get-to-the-point ramblings are about as inspired as the words that thoughtlessly tumble out of George W Bush’s mongoloid jaw. The Bride can still handle herself in a fight but her ‘suppress all emotion and show no compassion for your enemies’ mantra has inexplicably gone out of the window.

All this is the fault of Mr. Tarantino. Buying into his own legend, writing on arrogant autopilot and being far too self-indulgent in splitting what could so easily have been one film into two incongruous halves. Consign this Tarantino to Orwellian oblivion and bring back the Director who made films so important that one of them used to feature on the Cultural Criticism syllabus at our fair university.

Editorial & Opinion

May 31 2004

Page 7

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

University fairy tales

S

By

Kerry-Lynne Doyle

tuck in bed, cruelly struck down with tonsillitis and an ear infection, a thought started to develop in my mind. It took just one look around my messy room with its overflowing laundry basket and general state of disrepair to confirm this thought; I needed a student fairy. You see, you don’t realise how much you rely on yourself at university until you’re so ill you’re confined to your room.

There’s no one to buy food or cook for you, there’s no one to do laundry for you and, most annoyingly, there’s no one to do your work for you. It was this realisation that made me decide that every student could do with a student fairy; it would make life so much easier.

A student fairy could look after all the most annoying chores for you. No more time would need to be wasted on food shopping and preparation. With a student fairy on hand the annoying weekly supermarket trail would be a thing of the past.

There would be no more battling with trolleys and struggling with seventeen carrier bags. The minute your cupboard promised the delightful cuisine of low fat spaghetti with tuna on the turn you could summon your student fairy and you’d be in pizza land before you know it. The student fairy could also keep your room in order; it could file your notes, remove piles of dust from books you meant to read and make everything spick and span. Think Mary Poppins without all the bloody singing.

Then there’s also the time you would save. With a student fairy doing all your annoying time-grabbing chores, you’ll have more time on your hands. You could spend more time socialising and going out with your friends. There’ll always be time for a quick drink in the pub or an impromptu night out; there will be no more guilt

trips about wasting time that you don’t have. A student fairy would also benefit your university work. You would have time to do the suggested reading you were supposed to do at the start of term and you would have time to start an essay a bit earlier than the night before. Your student fairy would banish the coffee-fuelled deadline panics forever. Failing that, the time you’d save would also allow you more

“Sick of running to your 9 am lectures looking like a demented hobbit?”

time to procrastinate. All that time would permit you to watch Neighbours twice a day, every day, without so much as a pang of guilt. Score!

Your student fairy would improve your appearance. Sick of running to your 9am lectures while looking like a

demented hobbit? Not a problem. With a swish of their wand, your student fairy could transform you from Iwoke-up-ten-minutes-ago scary to sophisticated chic. You could sashay into your early lecture looking perfectly co-ordinated, glamorous and human while revelling in the fact that everyone else looks half-asleep. And it would only have taken 3 minutes. That would mean more sleep, less effort and still looking great. What more could you ask for?

Having a student fairy could also help your pulling potential. Do you see your object of desire being chatted up by an annoyingly attractive specimen of perfection? Do not fear! Get your fairy to work their magic and watch your enemy spill their drink, fall over or dance like a maniac giving you the opportunity to swoop in for the kill.

You could cheat your way to pulling prowess.

So there you have it; student fairies would certainly make all of our lives that little bit easier. No more panicky deadlines, food shopping, cleaning or looking awful for those killer early lectures. We can but dream.

Debbie Green on celebs, fat pills and a calorie burning kissathon...

I

f ‘weight loss’ is typed into a search engine, 5,440,000 sites are located in 0.13seconds. Dieting and obsession with weight appears to be catapulting out of control, especially at this time of year. How many people have dusty Mr Motivator videos, Patsy Palmer’s Ultimate Workout, or, if you’re really bad Jade’s dance workout? Be honest with yourself for just a moment.

Do you really intend to get up an hour early to be screamed at from your television set? Come on, we are students, why not catch an extra hour in the land of nod and make sure you hit the dance floor at night with your mates? Hitting the lounge floor with Jade first thing in the morning just doesn’t sound as appealing.

I was shocked to discover the extent to which obsessions with weight are taken. Some celebs have admitted to eating whilst standing up (slightly odd), while others inject themselves with horse urine. Now that’s really taking the piss! However, what shocked

me even more than the crazy celebrity world was the fact that dieting pills are so readily available.

Anyone can order them on the internet without a prescription. There are a range of pills available, some costing $429 for a mere month’s supply. The majority of such pills actually aim to stimulate “the central nervous system (nerves and brain), which increases your heart rate and blood pressure and decreases your appetite.” Is this really healthy? While the body can tolerate increased blood pressure for long periods of time, it can eventually cause the heart to enlarge. This (surprise, surprise) is a major factor in heart failure.

“others inject themselves with horse urine...”

In fact, some research groups have recommended that any blood pressure

above normal should be treated.

Ok, so I am digressing slightly here.

I am not suggesting that such ridiculous lengths are often pursued.

Nevertheless, I still feel that weight worries most people that I know. I would like to suggest that people take a chill pill. Rather than continually counting calories, spare the brain power for your degree. Weight can be lost in a variety of fun ways. One researcher suggested that after one and a half hours of shopping, the average person burns 325 calories!

Alternatively a one and a half hour kissathon will lose you 145. Sounds like fun to me. Just make sure you have the Vaseline nearby. Don’t believe me? Check out www.fatburn.com - it tells you exactly how many calories you lose for any activity. Oh, and I mean any activity. It even covers ‘shovelling snow’.

Well, I suppose that hard core shopping will never become an advisable exercise regime, especially for those of us living off or shitty student loans. On a more serious note my plea is that all those voices which keep whining

about their weight double check at www.consumer.gov/weightloss/bmi that it truly is necessary to lose weight.

“Just make sure you have the Vaseline nearby...”

Those who do need to lose weight, can lose weight without becoming Calista Flockhart look-alikes; don’t let it take over your life.

Perhaps getting your kit on on a Wednesday afternoon could be more worthwhile than starving yourself? I don’t mean to patronise but please do remember not to starve yourself. You may lose weight rapidly but when you do start eating properly again, you will put the weight on very quickly as your body will store more essential nutrients in future as a survival mechanism.

Besides, looking absolutely perfect in a bikini isn’t the be all and end all.

Student Rant

O

Will Dean

k, I know many taxi drivers are probably hard working, good-natured individuals. Credit must be given for chauffeuring paralytic messes home every week and to London cabbies who know their way backwards around the cities streets. But aren’t they just utter gits?

I’m probably going to get a few letters of complaint for that (justifiably, I might add) but here’s the reason for my current dislike of the profession. Firstly, as I returned from a gig in Bristol last Saturday, tired and angry after the no-show of the last train back to Cardiff (don’t get me started on Bristol trains), I began the arduous task of getting a taxi somewhere between the station and Creation. As it was Saturday night, and only just past midnight, I expected a plethora of carriages waiting to whisk me and my good friend Julia back to Talybont for a nominal charge.

I was proved very wrong, as I often am. As we barged our way through the hordes of Top Man twats on St. Mary’s Street our task was looking

“I waved really, really nicely” increasingly difficult. We finally made it past the New Theatre we took to the main road to flag down one of Cardiff’s white-bellied cabs. At last we saw an empty car with its available sign lit up. A journey saved. The next thing that happened is the inspiration for this bitter rant. The cab slowed down, pulled into the near lane, turned its light off, then the cabbie took a long look at me, turned his light back on and sped off.

This would be understandable had I been one of the many drunken louts littering Cardiff’s fine streets. But, like David Beckham, "I’m nice" I was looking presentable (so I thought), I was sober and I waved really, really nicely. Albeit a little camply but every little helps. I still don’t understand. We finally managed to get a taxi outside the union, but as we arrived back at the end of our ten-hour round trip we were charged £5.50 for the twominute journey.

I could go on, but I’ll probably have to watch out for being smuggled into the back of a people carrier and bundled into a small room and beaten.

On the other hand maybe I’m just taxi paranoid now. Now drive me home, Jeeves!

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Opinion

Page 8

May 31 2004

icarus500@hotmail.com

Flying too close to the political flame

Bitesize Absolutely Bloody Brilliant HATS OFF to the cheeky geniuses at Thorpe Park in Surrey!

Somebody there - give the man a medal - hit upon the idea of getting a bunch of young, attractive students to strip off and take a naked rollercoaster ride for charity.

Over a hundred students from 15 Universities took part, smashing the world record for nude rollercoastering (there’s a world record for it?) and netting £1,000 for good causes.

The naked adventurers had to stand gravity of up to 4.5 times its normal strength on the eyewatering Nemesis Inferno ride.

The effect of that on all those wobbly bits doesn’t bare thinking about.

Apathy is just sheer laziness I

T SEEMS BRITAIN is becoming a nation of idle, self-obsessed idiots who neither know nor care about the issues affecting our world.

Just a quarter of us are going to vote at the upcoming elections on June 10, according to the latest stats from polling gurus MORI. On June 10 we get two elections for the price of one. Local councils and seats in the European Parliament are both up for grabs.

But it’s feared not even this will make a difference as voter turnout continues to tumble to truly pitiful levels.

Why are people throwing away their chance to have a say?

Sheer, unashamed laziness, that’s why.

The usual excuses for not bothering to turn up and vote just don’t wash.

Firstly, “All the parties are the same” what utter crap.

Labour are all about beefing up the NHS and other public services, while Tories prefer tax cuts.

If you can figure out what the Lib Dems stand for, they probably deserve your vote for effort.

Plaid Cymru want an independent Wales, and RESPECT is the party for all you anti-war lefties who traipsed through London last year.

And if you’ve just watched The Day After Tomorrow and thought it was a true story, better vote Green.

There is an absolute world of difference between political parties, and there’s a choice for everyone.

Sure, you might not get exactly what you want, but you can get close.

FEES UPDATE

ENROLL UP, ENROLL UP: This working class lad won’t be getting into University soon (PICTURE: NUS) My favourite pizza is pepperoni. But when I go to Tesco’s, sometimes they don’t have it in stock.

What do I do? I get the next best thing, Hawaiian. (Vegetarian is for pansies.)

Not bothering to vote because you don’t see “Independent Shropshire Prolife Greenhat Coalition Party” on the ballot form is just pathetic.

THE LATEST PROGRESS of the Higher Education Bill - yup, the one that gave us top-up fees spells out yet more bad news for students.

It’s now limping through the House of Lords, where Uni bosses have delivered yet another blow to poor kids’ hopes of getting degrees.

Labour’s idea for OFFA - the Office For Fair Access - was supposed to make Unis take more poor kids and give them bursaries.

Otherwise they wouldn’t be allowed to slap on the £3,000 a year top-up fees hike.

Now Unis have shoehorned in a clause stopping OFFA from having a say in University admissions.

This week it’s also been revealed that kids from private schools can get into Uni with results two grades lower than state school pupils.

And figures have hit the headlines saying private schools are growing fast in popularity.

Is it really any wonder?

And then there’s “I don’t know enough better and make us all safer, richer and about politics” - just another excuse for happier.

Some of them have some very funny laziness.

Next time you’re stuck in the library ideas about how to do it, which is why we bored of revision, go visit need elections to keep them in line.

The final excuse I usually hear is this: www.labour.org.uk or conservatives.com, “Well, okay, but at the end of the day I or libdems.org.uk.

Or if you want unbiased info, give the just don’t care.”

At least this one’s honest.

‘Politics’ link on the BBC News And there’s nothing so bleakly homepage a click. depressing as this proud, wilful stupidity.

It doesn’t take a genius.

Presumably, these people “wouldn’t “My vote doesn’t make a difference” care” if we lived under a fascist is always another idiotic line. dictatorship.

Go ask a Floridian Democrat Don’t laugh: the BNP who stayed at home in are standing in these 2000. elections.

Florida was And if they’re where George An occasional feature devoted to the not scary Bush stole the f*ckups, hypocrisy and outright lies printed by Britain’s Worst Newspaper. enough for Presidential you, the Nazi election by Three cheers for North Wales’ Nia Davies, a thugs of the 600 votes. remarkable woman who defied doctors and National “Politicians recovered from a paralysing horror car smash.

Front are up are all the Glossy mag Closer bunged her a ton of cash for for election in same her story, and she’s donating the lot to the Swansea and they’re all on hospital that saved her life. elsewhere. the gravy No cheers for The Spin, who nearly ruined If they do train”. the deal by sneaking in their own papparazi hounds. well, they’ll be This one’s my Luckily big-hearted Closer is paying back next time, favourite. up anyway - no thanks to the only bigger and About 80 per cent Spin’s hateful hacks. nastier. of MPs are lawyers or So on June 10, don’t be businessmen by training. just another cynical ‘I can’t be arsed’ If they left the House of Commons, they could rake in fortunes as hot-shot merchant.

It’s not a big effort. barristers or company directors.

You can vote from the comfort of your Most of them are there for love, not own dingy student shack - surf along to money.

Contrary to public opinion and the www.electoralcommission.org.uk/yourright-wing media, most politicians are vote/postalvoting.cfm and download a form. actually nice people.

A lot of people say we have a right to They care deeply about our society deeply enough to want to change it for the vote. But it’s not just a right - it’s a duty.

SPOT

Political Opinion

May 31 2004

Page 9

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Europe: Still a terrorist target

By Caroline Farwell

E

ver since its establishment in 1957 the EU has been considered as an instrument for promoting European peace. Following the devastation left by two world wars, the prospect of continental coalition appeared to be a valuable asset to the population of Western and Central Europe. However, the increasing threat of global terrorism has challenged this founding concept of European integration.

The growth of terrorism and extremist reaction on an international level has placed the EU under mounting pressure and criticism. European governments are facing reproach over the union’s dwindling policies to counter the potential terror threat. In addition, enduring criticism from Eurosceptics serves to strengthen the crisis that surrounds the union’s approach to the war on terror.

Despite the anxieties of those who fear continental assimilation, the fact

arrest warrant, freezing the assets held by terrorists and outlawed groups and harmonising penalties for terrorist crimes. In addition, an EU anti-terrorism co-ordinator has since been announced. Dutch politician Gijs de Vries has been appointed as Europe’s "anti-terror czar".

Also, with the recent EU enlargement, pressure is intensified to ensure the implementation of security strategies across all 25 member states.

British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw said that negotiations at the summit set the deadline of June 30 for every EU nation to endorse the proposed antiterrorism laws. Straw also echoed Blunkett’s call for accelerating the process: “What we need is action. The problem for the EU is that we can only go at the pace of the slowest.

Therefore, there is a special responsibility on the countries which have failed so far implementing measures to get it moving.”

Obstacles remain clear in the EU’s campaign against terrorism. The mission of persuading member governments to share more sensitive security information will endure. The EU foreign policy chief Javier Solana recognises the persistent co-ordination problems that exist within the coalition.

As well as confronting the strategic matters of legislation, more needs to be done to tackle the factors behind

terrorism. The deteriorating peace process between the Israelis and Palestinians, and the dispute between India and Pakistan over Kashmir, require thorough attention. Attempts at thawing these apparently frozen conflicts must be improved in order to defeat the terror campaign. Security policies are futile if the routes of terrorism are left to linger and resurface every time George Bush makes a slipup or a coalition soldier blunders in Iraq (accidental or otherwise).

A strong European commitment to the fight against terrorism is fundamental. Co-operation and the exchange of information are essential amongst European members.

Do Europe’s security procedures need to wait for another Madrid-style bombing to help trigger the process?

This summer’s Olympics in Athens would provide the sizeable forum for terrorists. European member states are amongst those supplying the athletes but can they provide the appropriate security?

paign against a woman, in a country where the fondest memories still are of a woman prime minister (Indira Gandhi), didn’t go well with the masses. This system takes pride in its philosophy where the entire universe is one family. Hinduism, which the RSS-BJP claims as its own, is known for its inclusiveness, not exclusiveness. For the 60,000 kilometres Sonia travelled, in the

end it was a single act of self-sacrifice that won the moral victory.

Finally, the election results reaffirm India’s inherent secular credentials.

What better a testament than the fact that a nation of 80 per cent Hindus voted out a right-wing Hindu coalition for a government run by a Sikh Prime Minister, helmed by a Muslim President, with a Christian as the head

of the single largest party in the new Parliament. The fact that a soft-spoken, simple and a career academic like Manmohan Singh could make it to the top of India’s faction ridden, volatile political system skewed in favour of the rich and the powerful indeed makes democracy a cherishable political ideal.

After all sometimes nice guys can finish first.

remains that terrorism poses a threat to us all, irrespective of a nation’s stance on the Iraq war or attitude to Bush. It is the job of member states and the Eurocrats in Brussels to recognise and act upon the impending danger.

Until very recently, the European government’s response to international terrorism was severely inadequate. But it was only until very recently that the EU became a target for international terrorists.

The March 11th 2004 marked the day of Europe’s worst terrorist attack since the 1988 Lockerbie bombing.

Suddenly the coalition was put under immense pressure. The initial response of European ministers was to quickly brush away the dust from the counterterrorism agreements made after the September 11th attacks on the US in 2001. Since the agreed measures fell short of direct implementation the first time round, the Madrid bombings prompted renewed action.

In wake of the bombings in Spain, British Home Secretary David Blunkett criticised Europe’s failure to

implement the security measures agreed upon at the post 9/11 European summit in 2001. At the Brussels meeting in March earlier this year Blunkett called for “hard, practical action” against terrorism, denouncing previous failed attempts of policy execution.

Other propositions put forward at the summit include a pan-European

Favourable media ratings don’t make governments and silence of the masses may not always mean acceptance.

The other winner is Sonia Gandhi, who underwent a baptism of fire to emerge as a national level leader. Her refusal of the PM’s post has set new standards of public service for powerhungry leaders the world over. That the BJP could launch an undignified cam-

“the fact

remains that terrorism poses a threat to us all ”

A lesson in democracy

By Piyush Roy

W

hen the world’s largest democracy, India, started with its month long electoral exercise it courted casual mention in an Iraq-obsessed foreign media. Dubbed an ‘Egyptian’ style election (where results are known before the casting of votes), it was dismissed as a continuance mandate for India’s charismatic statesman Premier Atal Behari Vajpayee.

A week later, India is yet to vanish from global headlines. The demoralised and doomed opposition party, The Congress, staged a spectacular turnaround. The unexpected win was led by an Italian-born housewifeturned-president, Sonia Gandhi. Even more shocking was her unthinkable renunciation of power act that followed.

There couldn’t have been a more dramatic political script. This election saw the largest ever participation of film stars as candidates and campaigners.

Even a high on theatrics Bollywood (Hindi film industry) wouldn’t have bettered this gripping edge-of-the-seat political potboiler. Action, emotion, suspense, drama, capped by a win by the underdog — it had it all.

While the BJP government’s defeat ranks among the all time great election upsets, in the same league as Churchill’s 1945 defeat it is the Indian voter who has emerged the real victor, putting his nation among the world’s smartest democracies. Every single exit poll, political pundit and politician who claimed to have read the mind of the voter got it so spectacularly wrong. The Indian electorate fooled them again.

The results ring home a warning to the other two great democracies facing elections soon — the UK and USA.

SUMMER ACCOMMODATION IN CARDIFF Self -catered accommodation will be available for ALL University Students* between 14 June and 15 September 2004.

From: £7.50 per night

LLETY HAF YNG NGHAERDYDD Bydd llety hunan -arlwyol ar gael i BOB Myfyriwr Prifysgol* rhwng 14 Mehefin a 15 Medi 2004.

O: £7.50 y noson

For further information please contact the Residences Office at Senghennydd Court on:

Am wybodaeth bellach cysylltwch â’r S wyddfa Preswylfeydd yn Llys Senghennydd ar:

Tel: (029) 2087 4864 Fax: (029) 2022 1060 Email: summer@cardiff.ac.uk

Ffôn: (029) 2087 4864 Ffacs: (029) 2022 1060 E- bost: summer@cardiff.ac.uk

* for all undergraduate and postgraduate students, including students from other UK/European colleges with valid student identification car ds.

* ar gyfer pob myfyriwr israddedig ac ôl -raddedig, gan gynnwys myfyrwyr o golegau eraill yn y DU/Ewrop sydd â chardiau adnabod myfyrwyr dilys.

Next week’s page will be about policitcs and Europe. If you want to write for the politics section email your articles and suggestions to gropinions@cf.ac.uk. Alternatively, come along to the weekly politics and opinion editorial meeting: Tuesdays, 5:15pm, in the GR Office

Letters

May 31 2004

Page 11

grletters@cf.ac.uk

LGBT is rubbish Dear gair rhydd, So another year is coming to an end and to lighten the mood a bit I thought that I’d write a little thank you letter to congratulate the LGBT society.

Firstly, I would like to thank the president for doing his best at being useless. His sheer incompetence of organising anything beyond the sphere of fake tan or cheap tarts has provided me with hours of entertainment. All hail your over-inflated sense of selfimportance and your uncanny knack of fluttering your eyelashes at the

dredges of society on the gay scene.

So thank you for being you Mr. President.

Secondly, I would like to thank those in charge of the website. It has sat dormant for the bulk of the year, festering like the rank mould that it is.

So thank you for finally deciding to get your arse in gear in the latter stages of the year.

Thirdly, I would like to thank the publicity officer. Well done in doing a fantastic job of keeping the LGBT unheard of and doing as little as possible when events crop up. Your complete ineptitude of doing anything that doesn’t require drinking or opening

your legs to the local trash is inspiring.

Well done for being a figure (albeit tiny) of humour.

Lastly, I would like to thank the vast majority of those who drag themselves to the meetings for making them a daunting experience. The few occasions when I decided to go, you all made me feel very unwelcome and kept me out of your sad little social clique. Well done for creating such a poor reputation for yourselves of being catty, snide and bitchy. A reputation well deserved, might I add So well done LGBT committee.

You have made quite a name for yourselves and long may it reign when you regroup and re-clique next year. All hail a new era of self involved selfishness.

A grateful homosexual.

Letter of the Week will receive two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They will be available for collection from the gair rhydd office, on the top floor of the union building.

Banning the good stuff isn’t so bad Dear gair rhydd, I was compelled to write in regarding Hannah Perry's feature in last weeks Quench about nutritional supplements (Body Politics). Hannah seems to have missed the point over the legislation being brought in to help control and regulate nutritional supplements and alternative medicines.

The main crux of her argument against the legislation is that it is not needed as people "need" the supplements in order to build up their nutrient levels. However, unless an individual is an expert nutritionist (or is seeing one) then I doubt they would be aware of just how much of each nutrient they were already receiving or what the levels were in their body. By lowering the levels present in many products and stopping the production of tablets with ridiculous levels of vitamins in, hopefully damage from overdose may be prevented. People can take their supplements safe in the knowledge that what they are taking contains exactly what the label states, in a safe form and without the potential to cause harm.

There is no indication as far as I am aware that the legislation will stop patients who receive supplements to treat a medical condition from continuing their treatment. Also, correct nutrition does not necessarily involve supplements of any kind. The ban will therefore not affect these patients’ rights.

Alternative medicines are a hugely controversial sector of the health market. While many have excellent uses (for example St. John's Wort), others have been known to cause liver toxicity (Kava Kava) and are therefore unsuitable for use. The fact that many of these "medicines" are not covered at the moment by effective legislation

means that substandard and unsafe products could appear on our shelves with the potential to cause harm to thousands of people. While I'm certain that manufacturers are not deliberately trying to sell substandard products, tightening of regulations is essential if the effectiveness and safety of their products is to be maintained. There would be a huge outcry if regular pharmaceutical manufacturers did not follow legislation during the developments and manufacture of their products, yet few people bat an eyelid when so called "natural" remedies are not subject to the same restrictions.

Finally many herbal remedies interfere with patients regular medication.

St. John's Wort, for example, can cause fatal reactions if used in conjunction with other commonly prescribed drugs, although it is generally safe and effective in the majority of people. It would be foolish to describe such products as "harmless".

Ultimately whatever your opinion on EU legislation in whole, or the use of supplements, surely it can be no bad thing to regulate an industry which could have such an impact on peoples lives. The regulation of the supplements industry can only benefit us as both consumers and patients.

Andy Parsons 4th Year Pharmacist.

Binge drinking and how to solve it. Like we actually want to.

Dear gair rhydd, Here we go again! Another governmental control freak initiative in problem solving; charge the bastards, they can afford it! What is it with Bush’s poodle, Brown and Blunket? Is the only answer they can come up with to boast at how much of our money they’re spending, ie. wasting on

Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

bureaucracy or how much in stealth taxation they’re not imposing?

Want to stop people smoking? Keep putting duty up then spend tens of millions on anti-smuggling measures.

Ditto for booze. Want to take cars off the road? Tax them off (then screw around with public transport). Want more university students? Charge them more, that’ll work!

Binge drinking. A problem? We’ll solve it over night by putting prices up.

Yeah right. As if anyone is really going to notice how much they’re paying on a night out. The only people to benefit from this will be the pubs and clubs (and they’ve been ripping you all off for years anyway) and the chancellor, who will still rake in the exorbitant duty on alcohol. All most people will do is get tanked up from the ‘offie’ before they go out, thus starting problems for the police earlier in the evening!

If Blair wants a truly integrated Europe (like that’s really going to happen the way nationalism in most countries is on the increase), then he needs to look at why binge drinking is not a problem in countries such as France and Italy. Introduction to alcohol starts at a very early age so drinking is socially acceptable, not some major ‘must do’ event at age 18 in the UK (even if you’ve been doing it for years anyway). Get rid of the archaic licensing laws; it’s no longer the First World War and the ammunitions workers aren’t missing shifts anymore because of hangovers. Bring duty steadily down to European levels because I’m damn sure the French won’t increase theirs to pay £5 for a £1.50 bottle of wine! Make café culture an accepted part of normal family life; reduce exclusion from licensed premises.

Education, education, education.

Now where have I heard that before?

Encourage and educate, that will change things not price increases.

Oh yeah and before anyone starts, I am a non-smoking, social drinker, a public transport using car owner with no political affiliation whatsoever.

Well, actually I don’t trust any of them.

Do you know a poor politician?

The gair rhydd letters page Obviously you couldn’t go a week without some mention of the sport monkeys, but finally Sports Desk has ceased to dominate my page.

Some of you lovely people have even decided to write in about new and exciting topics, making this weeks Letters Page a little more interesting than previous sports infested editions.

Perri Rob MA student

More Riath rantings Dear gair rhydd, Apologies for being a bore and writing yet another response to a previous letter, but I have to add my two cents to what was, frankly, an extremely patronising response from Riath AlSammarai to Hannah Fraser’s letter about Ladies’ Football.

Firstly, as the writer of the match report I’d like to point out to Riath that I sent it at lunchtime on Thursday, not Thursday night, as he claims. I do realise that even midday is pushing it in terms of going to print, but I tried my best to get it in despite being hung-over and having overslept after the previous night’s celebrations. After all we did win the Welsh Cup. The report was in the main email rather than sent as an attachment; perhaps he didn’t bother reading it?

Again, my mistake, but if a lack of an attachment was such a problem then someone could have taken two minutes out of their day at the beginning of the year to reply to my emails and point this out. I’ve been sending reports in this manner all season (a couple even made it to print).

These points aside, it would have been nice for the result to have appeared somewhere on the sports pages even if it was not possible to print the report, perhaps in a table of results covering the whole event. We

would have appreciated some kind of recognition, however trivial.

To be honest, Riath’s standoffish, sarcastic remarks come across more as an indication of the attitude taken by gair rhydd sport towards our club than a genuine attempt to explain why we did not get a mention in the paper. In fact the comments seem to prove what they are trying to dismiss.

Over my three years here the Ladies’ Football Club has felt a distinct lack of respect from the gair rhydd, with incidents ranging from failure to print results to abusive emails being sent to one of our reporters. Maybe our convictions are well-founded or maybe they are blown out of proportion. In either case I would like to think that the Sports Editors are anxious to prevent these kinds of rifts from developing. As it stands, the feeling I got from Riath is that they would actually prefer to alienate us further.

I do genuinely admire the work that goes into the Sports pages and am not by any means trying to criticise it. However, I do object to the offensive response that Hannah got in trying to get some recognition for the team. She has done a great job as Captain this year, leading the club to success in both the BUSA league and the Welsh Cup. She deserves some commendation for this. At the very least a civil reply would have done, rather than the flippant put-downs and snide comments she received.

Jo Roberts Ladies’ Football

Text 07791165837 the girl who works in the union shop with the red hair is a babe! her smiles brighten my days!

if drink prices go up how will we maintain our no1 binge drinking status nxt yr?

both of those shakespeare debates in quench were as shit as each other. i look after a ten year old who argues better with less cliches

what in gods name has glen hoddle got to do with the iraq situation?!

word up to snakey, sharky, ratty, moley, fishy, the fox, the skunk and the wise owl

cards; a crazy game with disasterous consequences

i wont get cat piss on my carrier bag collection

i have never...?

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - I will endeavour to print anything that I think is worthwhile, but please remember that I do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. The views expressed in these letters are not usually the views of letters desk or gair rhydd.

Jobs & Money

Page 13

May 31 2004

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Cracking the student market

By Suzanne Carter

S

tudents in higher education are becoming more and more important to brands. In recent years the number of students applying to university has increased dramatically and the opportunity for them to waste vast amounts of money is a marketing company’s dream, but to get a slice of the action how do you compete in a very competitive market?

Over the last year there has been a flux in the marketing of brands to students.

No longer are PR companies having board meetings in executive offices working out what students want, but instead they are hiring the students to market to themselves.

"Nobody knows students better than students," my former Sales and Circulations Manager for the Independent Newspaper told me. And he was right.

For the last nine months I have been the Independent Newspaper’s Student Brand Manager for Cardiff, organising promotional giveaways, sponsorship and advertising in an attempt to improve the brand name and getting students to buy the newspaper.

Unlike wiping down beer crusted tables while smelling of Brains brewery, brand managing allows you to contribute some of the skills that got you into university in the first place. The ability to think on your own two feet, be competent to organise yourself, communicate to a variety of people and ask questions other than "What do you want to drink?" is all part of marketing.

Marketing to students allows you to use your student experience and knowledge in creating some of the best ways to appeal to undergraduates. Through events and promotional giveaways you are responsible for organising events, right through to arranging sponsorship.

As well as organising promotions, brand managing also gives you the opportunity to make connections with some local and national companies. I even managed to get Domino’s Pizza last year

to give a free pizza to every reader. All on my own, all my own work, all my own ideas.

As well as initiating your own ideas there’s the chance to earn extra cash for extra work you do as well as your basic pay. Currently the most I could earn up to in this position is £1,000 which is still pretty good for a job that lets me choose when to work and for how many hours.

But if you want to earn the fat Brucie Bonus then you do have to put in the hours. As one of my old managers once said: "you put in as much as you want to get out."

But it’s not just newspapers that have introduced Brand Managers; even drink companies, record labels and Lynx deodorant want to get the student effect.

So when’s the best time to start looking? Believe it or not NOW! Companies search for the new student brand managers at the end of the academic year so start shopping around and look for company that suits your needs. Check out the university jobshop or even the websites, as most companies tend to advertise there. Also read the media bible, Media Guardian, on a Monday as there are loads of opportunities and that’s where most of the national companies tend to advertise.

Working for a national company also gives you that incentive of making your CV sparkle with independent marketing experience to give you that extra edge of knowledge of getting a better job.

News in brief Porn on the job

Student Brand Manager (Cardiff) Independent Newspaper (1 Year) Want to get valuable work experience in a national newspaper?

Want to put something on your CV and get paid for it?

Well the Independent Newspaper is recruiting a new Student Brand Manager for Cardiff University for the 2004-2005 academic years.

As Student Brand Manager for the Newspaper of the Year 2004, your role will include marketing the Independent image through various marketing and promotional activities. You will work along side over 40 other Student Brand Managers around the country as part of the Sales and Circulation team but you will also work as an individual at your own pace and time and initiating your own ideas.

Not only will this opportunity give you an advantage of gaining work experience within a national company and make connections with a variety of people, but you’ll also get paid every term with the chance of earning a bonus of up to £1000 per year!

To qualify you must: > > > > > >

Be going into your 2nd or last year in university.

Have a vast knowledge of university life.

Have knowledge of the Cardiff community.

Excellent communication skills.

Be motivated and able to work on your own Be able to initiate your own ideas for promotions.

Free subscriptions to internet porn sites have been introduced as a new type of bonus for workers in a Danish IT company. LL Media introduced the idea to stop staff accessing adult material at work.

The company’s director believes that access to porn is "a natural fringe benef it," like having a company car or mobile phone. "We know that 80% of all hits on the Internet are on porn sites. And we can see that people also surf porn pages during work," he said. He hopes it will make his staff more relaxed and efficient on the job.

Soccer stars’ sex limit

Italy’s footie squad have been banned from too much sex during the Euro 2004 finals. They are still allowed sex, but only for one hour in the evenings. There is, however, an added incentive for them to reach the quarter-finals; they will be given a full day with their wives and girlfriends (or boyfriends. I keep forgetting that we live in a PC world now – and no, I don’t mean the computer store.)

Naked ride record

Interested? Then send your > CV. > Any ideas you have for promotions > And reasons why you would be suitable for the job To the current Student Brand Manager, Suzanne Carter at suzic43@hotmail.com. If you have any queries please also contact me.

Brand Managers need ideas

Deadline: 4th June 2004. Informal interviews will take place before the end of term.

rves to go out with Our last ever postcard (sob) dese usted all our ideas exha ng a bang. Unfortunately, havi be more of a pop on previous postcards it'll probably than a bang. we are both retirAfter only a year in the real world it. Not really. hack t can' ing from working life as we are re-entering stuwe use beca ing leav ally actu e We’r third years are just dentsville. Hurrah! So while you labour, we're going of s year fifty embarking on your past) to lectures, back to the future (or forward to the never thought Yes, s. exam ous glori and rs hangove hard work that all of ght thou the but er eith we'd say it ing paper push of year a r afte ng is such a good feeli clips round the desk. like doing a first However, doing a postgrad is not five course with to nine a it's t star a degree. For of getting up early homework on top. All these months been good prepahave and having a full day at a desk e oddly grateful for ration for what lies ahead, so we'r heading straight than er rath ine rout set this year of into it after being a lazy undergrad. le in preparing us This year has also been invaluab the student bubnd for office life and indeed life beyo

yd h r ir

By Alex Dove and Step

nge ble, with all its quirks and stra transformations.

Here are the combined wisdoms past that we have gleaned from our year of work:

ga

Real World Postcards from hthe Eagleton

d

JOB FILE

a 1. Co-workers never refuse k. brea g a/fa coffee/te less fun.

2. The Internet is a source of end office flirting and 3. Email is a life saver; great for ds. catching up with similarly bored frien being paid to be on 4. Being paid to be sick is great; er. bett holiday is even e of the stationery 5. Never underestimate the allur cupboard.

And finally: ervalue gloves on 6. Gardening rocks! Get your Hyp and try it. you. It's been a So it is here that we must leave found our guidhave you that e hop we and , good year blings useful or at ance, cynicism and random ram ing. least vaguely interest

Ciao

Alex and Steph

xx

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. ” Paula Poundstone

Money Talks “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.”

Jack Yelton

A new world record for the most naked people on a rollercoaster has been set by 100 students from 15 universities.

They stripped off and rode the Nemesis Inferno rollercoaster at Thorpe Park in Surrey last Friday.

The record bid was held to mark the theme park’s 25th birthday. It has helped raised cash for charity and the best group photo will win £1,000 for their uni Rag committee.

How to be a student...

Undergraduates are being consulted for Billie Piper’s new film which is set in student accommodation.

Students will be consulted on a range of topics including how often they wash up and cook so that student life is portrayed realistically in horror movie Spirit Trap. The panel of advisors will get a mention in the credits, that is if they want to put their name to such a shite sounding film. Why would we go and see it? “Because we want to!

Because we want to!” (Remember her shocking debut single?)

If you have any careers or money questions or just want to comment on this page, email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Free Stuff

May 31 2004

Page 15

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

To all Leigh Debbage fans out there, I have some bad news. He has been abducted by the official competitions investigation society yet again. I dread to think what they are doing to him. Probably branding him to within an inch of his life until he sees the error of his ways. Luckily for Leigh I’m only joking but for his fans I’m afraid he has, in fact, left you all. The lucky boy has been headhunted by GQ to create an all new competition page for them. That’s if he ever gets his dissertation finished. So he has handed over his reign to little old me, the young blood you could say, to see what I can make of things. Welcome to the all new grab! page, even though it does look remarkably similar to the old page. Oh come on, I’m new, it’s my first time. Give a girl a break. We have many ever so generous summer competitions for you, I’m particularly excited by the Thorpe Park competition on this week’s page. I love that place! To enter any of the competitions, drop your answers into my pigeon hole (on the 4th floor of the union) on a postcard or slip of paper - don’t forget your name and email address.

Or you can send an email to grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk. Good Luck!

Find Glory

Are You the Next Jordan?

D

on’t know what they all see in Carmen Electra et al because you beat them all hands down? Well, now’s your chance to prove it. Europe’s biggest motor show, Max Power Live, is known for fast cars and beautiful women and this year they’ve joined forces with WKD to hunt for the nation’s sexiest student in the Max Power Live College Cutie Competition.

This year Max Power Live will be held at the Birmingham NEC from the July 2, giving you three whole days of sun, cars and living, breathing sex goddesses tottering about for your enjoyment.

What’s more, the show will feature the UK’s biggest indoor cruise strip where some of the world’s best drivers will be performing daring stunts for lucky motor enthusiasts. Also a host of top name exhibitors will be offering exclusive deals and discounts.

Max Power Live will open from 9am to 6.30pm on Friday July 2 to Sunday July 4. Tickets are £24 and VIP lanyards at £30. Both can be purchased from the Birmingham NEC Box Office (0870 902 0444) or at www.maxpowerlive.com Every girl that gets through to the finals will automatically get a pair of tickets to the event and the

SUMMER IS soon upon us, which can only mean one thing - festivals! In my opinion there is no better way to spend a British summer weekend In order to celebrate the up-coming festival season, we at grab! have got our hands on some freebies from two of the hottest bands of the moment, courtesy of Island Records.

For starters, I have some classy wrist ‘V’ Sunglasses, badges and wristbands to give away. A young up and coming band, ‘V’ are going to be so hot it will hurt to touch them, so I’m told by a highly respectable source anyway. Their debut single Blood, Sweat and Tears is out now, so head on down to a record shop near you. In order to win a pair of the sunglasses, badge set and wristband all you have to do is answer this really easy question: What is ‘V’s debut single called? As I’m feeling very generous today, I’ve decided to give a runner up a second set of badges and wristband. So get scribbling and send your answers in the normal way!

top three girls from each uni will get a crate of WKD to toast their success.

The overall winner of the College Cutie contest will earn themselves a place in the Max Star Babe final, where they stand a chance to win the star prize of £1000, a contract with top London modelling agency ‘Yvonne Paul’ and a photo shoot with Max Power magazine. You may even get to sleep with Gareth Gates as well!

To enter the competition, simply post a picture of yourself looking much like the lovely ladies pictured on this weeks page. Don’t forget to include details of your age, vital statistics and the university you attend.

Send these to: College Cutie Competition, Kazoo Communications, 87 Lancaster Road, London W11 1QQ or email college.cutie@kazoo.co.uk Or you could send them up to gair rhydd on the 4th floor of the union. I’m sure it will make some section editors (mentioning no names), who are unable to find themselves a lady to get undressed for them in person, very happy.

Win! A Free trip to Staines

BEFORE YOU start asking: “Is this women mad? What has happened to the grab! page? She’s ruining everything,” all can breathe a sign of relief. I don’t expect anyone to want a free trip to Staines, even if it is the centre of Ali G’s universe. Yet who would of known that Staines holds one of the best theme parks in the world?

Ahhh, Thorpe Park. On the morning of every birthday before the age of ten, my parents would whisk

me from my East London home to Staines and we would spend the day at Thorpe Park. For me it was the best treat in the whole world.

Riding the log flume, watching the extremely camp dancers do the time warp in bright red and blue flared catsuits . Blessed childhood memories. Unfortunately I was too young at the time for the exciting and enthralling roller coasters, but now Thorpe Park is giving you lovely people the chance to enjoy these world class rides for less!

Not only are they the most fun you will ever have with your clothes on (although as some students have shown at Alton Towers recently, clothing is also optional).

In celebration of the start of the summer season the park has lowered its prices.

Visit the park in May, June or September at off peak times you can save a full tenner, the price will drop from £27 to £17 per person.

Bargain.

A list of the most frightening and thrilling rides include the White-Knuckle Samurai, brand new for 2004 and transferred from Chessington World of Adventure.

The Samurai takes you on a vomit inducing journey of G–forces of plus five and minus three (I’m not sure what that means but it sounds good) while spinning you 360 degrees, 60 feet above the ground.

For the tougher among you, you could experience the truly exhilarating ride that is Nemesis Inferno.

Sweeping through 750 metres of suspended track the ride forces you to dangle your precious feet in the red-hot fires of the park. Don’t forget to take off flip flops if you’re wearing them, I have lost many a pair this way!

Haven’t puked all over your other half or best friend just yet?

Gagging for more thrilling excitement? The wonderful world of Thorpe Park has more to offer you with Colossus. A record breaker (ohhh I used to love that programme – I really am journeying through my youth here, anyway, I digress…) as the world’s first ten looping rollercoaster travelling at speeds of 65 km. A dizzying experience for all involved. Who needs Vodka?

So take on the challenge, be crowned King or Queen of the riders, if your stomach is hard enough. For further information on booking and travel, their website address is www.thorpepark.com.

But some jammy people (ie you lot) don’t have to worry about booking, or even paying. All you have to do is answer this blissfully easy question, as us here at grab! have bagged a pair of tickets to give away. How exciting! Send answers in the normal way.

What is the white-knuckle ride new for 2004?

Second up, New Found Glory, have given us two copies of their wonderful new album, Catalyst, which is out now and features the single All Downhill from here, along with two New Found Glory posters. All you have to do to win a copy of the album and corresponding poster is to tell me the name of the album the band released in 1997, their very first album I believe. I’ll throw in a ‘V’ wristband as well for each winner, just because I think it’s a little bit of a tricky question.

POST-MATCH ANALYSIS Only a small post match analysis this week I’m afraid, but do not fret people, there will be more winners among you in the next academic year. I can guarentee it. Anyway our sole winner for this week is Mr Jon Coomb, a bottle of Aftershock is winging its way to you soon!

Media

Page 16

May 31 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Dasani’s £1.2 billion mistake Coca Cola’s British extravaganza that fell flat on its face

By Poulomi Mrinal Saha

Media Correspondent

A

s far as the national papers were concerned, it couldn’t have been a bigger PR disaster.

“Water water everywhere, nor any drop to drink” said the Guardian; “Eau dear” reported the Observer while the Financial Times suggested, “Not The Real Thing”.

Barely one month in the British bottled water market and Coca

Cola’s Dasani had made it to the front-page headlines, but for all the wrong reasons. The first blow was struck by Britain’s campaigners of spring waters, the Natural Mineral Waters Association, who argued against the use of the word "pure" as part of Dasani’s campaigning.

The complaint dealt with by the Food Standards Agency (FSA) accused Coca Cola of marketing bottled tap water "as pure as bottled water gets", suggesting that tap water is impure. Dasani’s source was revealed as the mains supply at the Sidcup plant in Kent, while its supplier was Thames Water, a company that had been checked for 99.92% purity.

Spokesman for the supplier’s representative Water UK, Barrie Clarke, said: "We don’t think there are any impurities in tap water. If people like the bottle, the convenience, the style, then fine, but I don’t think that is the way they are marketing the product.

"Tap water is pure and that is the opinion of the drinking water inspectorate, which carries out three million checks a year."

Judith Synder, PR brand manager for Dasani, accepted that tap water was used but added that the source was "irrelevant" when it "did not affect the end result.”

"We would never say tap water isn’t drinkable. It’s just that Dasani is as pure as water can get- there are different levels of purity."

She argues that the four stages for purification that the water goes through, including ‘reverse osmosis’, a technique perfected by NASA to purify fluids o n

spacecrafts, justify the company’s use of the word "pure". But what wasn’t justified was the mark-up of 3,000% by selling Dasani at 95p per bottle as opposed to Thames Water’s 0.03p.

Dasani’s humiliation didn’t stop there. The company soon revealed that, as a result of an in-house examination, it had been established that levels of the chemical bromate in Dasani were twice the amount permitted by UK legal

standards. All 500,000 bottles were withdrawn from the high-street shelves within 24 hours.

British limits for bromate are ten parts per billion but Coca Cola tested Dasani to be on the borderline with between 10 to 22 parts per billion detected in the bottled water.

The FSA assured people that: "This [the withdrawal] is a sensible measure by the company as bromate is a chem-

ical that could cause an increased cancer risk as a result of long-term exposure, although there is no immediate risk to public health.”

A spokeswoman for Coca Cola announced that the company’s decision to withdraw from the UK market was a precautionary measure. "We have not been ordered to withdraw the product.

It was our decision because it did not meet regulations. Our consumers rightly expect that our products meet only the highest possible standards for

quality as well as UK regulations."

The bromide was produced in the water due to the calcium chloride added to the water after the purification process, which is a legal requirement in all bottled water products in the UK. The spokesperson continued: "Through detailed analysis we discov-

ered that our product did not meet our quality standards. Because of the high level of bromide contained in the calcium chloride, a derivative of bromide, bromate, was formed at a level that exceeded UK legal standards. This occurred during the ozonisation process we employ in manufacturing.”

But the explanations and excuses failed to heal the company’s wounds.

Dasani, which was launched in the UK with a £7m campaign, suffered its hardest blow after its initial launch in the US in 1999 where it is the second largest selling bottled

water.

The debacle of the campaign has cost the Atlanta-based drinks giant a £1.2 billion market.

So where did Coca Cola go wrong?

Industry insiders claim that the company underestimated the sophistication of UK consumers and the UK market.

They say that drinkers of bottled water

A must for all graduates …

The Graduate Recruitment Fair 9 June 2004, 11.00am - 4.00pm City Hall, Cathays Park, Cardiff To find out more about the Graduate Recruitment Fair and New Grad Fortnight log on to: www.cardiff.ac.uk/caas or call in to the Careers Service at 5 Corbett Road, Cardiff.

NEW GRAD FORTNIGHT IS SPONSORED BY

The Careers Service Working for you …

“Dasani is as pure as water can get - there are different levels of purity” have become more discerning after the recent controversy over obesity, with sugar-high fizzy drinks taking a backseat paving the way for natural drinks.

Coke admitted

that for the first time last year Diet Coke sales outstripped those of the original Coca Cola.

Coca Cola trusted the American magic to work in the UK as well. But the global drinks leader was, once again, underestimating its consumers, as it had done in 1985 with ‘New Coke’.

Then in a bid to beat competition from archrivals, Pepsi, the company launched ‘New Coke’. This was essentially Diet Coke stripped off all artificial sweeteners and high fructose corn syrup. New Coke was launched with much fanfare and the original Coca Cola was taken off the market. But this was a major marketing mistake.

The consumers did not object to the launch of New Coke but the disappearance of the original lead.

Coca Cola had failed to understand the extent to which they had engrained the original in American lives through their advertising. It had become a part of American identities.

The massive public outrage compelled the company to bring back the original into the market as ‘Classic Coke’, while slowly sidelining the ‘New’. A marketing disaster it was, that has gone down in American consumer’s minds as ‘cokelore’, as will the Dasani episode with the British.

Here, Constance Hays, author of the new book on Coke – The Real Thinghas the last word: "This is a case of a giant that is so desperate for growth that it appears things are being overlooked…they are master marketers, but sometimes they get so caught up in the marketing that they lose touch with reality."

Listings

Page 18

May 31 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday31/05

Fun Factory @ SU 9-2am. Free (NUS).

Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry.

Coordinated @ Amber Lounge New night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter.

7pm-11pm, £1 (NUS).

Showcase 2004 @ Barfly Mendes + Curerbell + Dead Against The Rest. So far an impressive array of talent has been demonstrated and media coverage is ever increasing. For those that don't know, Showcase 2004 is a weekly event at the Barfly which aims to showcase the best of local talent. Every band that enters get airplay on GTFM, local media coverage and a profile on new local music site flyscene.com to be launched next week. Every week there is a figure from the local music industry on hand to provide the Showcase bands with honest advice. At the end of the month the industry representative will elect a Band Of The Month who will then go on the play London Barfly, a live session on GTFM , a Friday night appearance at Cardiff Barfly in Decemeber and a track on a compilation CD to be released at the end of the year.

The good news? There is still plenty of time for bands to enter! All you need to do is send two copies of a demo and two biographies to Becky Wedlake, Showcase 2004, Cardiff Barfly, Kingsway, Cardiff, CF10 3FD or email becky.wedlake@barflyclub.com for more details. As well as bands for the event, Cardiff Barfly is looking for potential DJs to strut their stuff on the Open Decks between and after the bands. They’re looking for all kinds of music and experience is not required! Music can be played on vinyl, CDs or a combination. If you are interested in playing at a one-off club night to coincide with the Showcase event, please contact becky.wedlake. £4 adv,doors 7.30pm

Friday04/06

Chaos @ Metros The only alternative.

Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am.

Live @ Barfy Ikara Colt + yourcodenameis:milo + Read Yellow. Aiming to be a cross between Motorhead and Joy Division with a brief Blondie encounter along the way, Ikara Colt are back, bigger and braver than ever with stomping second album ‘Modern Apprentice’. Once described as ‘4 nervous breakdowns waiting to happen’ the Colt’s brittle post-punk shapes have given way to a harder, heavier, sweatier sound. £6 adv, doors 7.30pm.

Higher Learning @ The Toucan Award-winning Hip Hop night with MCs, Breakdancers and the best DJs. Open mic always available! 10-2am £6/5 Plus DJ Kris Jenkins back on the club decks Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Ahmer on the decks. 5pm-2am £3.50 (free b4 10pm,) Full Fat @ Moloko Funk, Hip-hop, Breakbeats, Motown, Retro Disco +Electro Boogie + retro vids & visuals. Free entry B4 11pm. Open til 2am.

Silent Running @ Clwb Ifor Bach With Shy FX. 10.00pm The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. Cardiff's most treasured clubnight - a lo-fi humble offering of obscurities, rarities, and those records you just never hear on a night out, blended with the big tunes that stand the test of time. 10.00pm. £3 Opera @ The New Theatre La Traviata

by Verdi New production sung in Italian with English surtitles. 7.15pm BBC National Orchestra of Wales @ St. David’s Hall Mediterranean light and sun suffuse this programme of music from the south, featuring Ravel’s sparkling evocation of Spain, Alborada del gracioso, the heat of the Italian evening in Respighi’s Fountains of Rome, Rachmaninov’s much loved Second Piano Concerto and music from Nino Rota, the composer of The Godfather scores. 7:30pm. £6 (NUS)

Tuesday01/06

Wednesday02/06

Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots. No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11, £1.50 after.

SOUL MOTION @ Moloko Heavy Funk, Raw Soul, Tamla Motown, Dancefloor Jazz, Boogaloo. Bar open till 2am,Cocktails £2.95, shots from £1, free entry. 8pm-2am Bounce @ Barfly Drum and bass. 11pm2am £2 (NUS). Live @ Barfly 36 Crazyfists + Bullet For My Valentiine . 36 Crazyfists are from Alaska and have been receiving rave reviews for their album and stage show. Rock Sound did a 2-page feature on the band, and a track from their latest album ‘A Snow Capped Romance’ appeared on the front cover CD of the same issue.

Kerrang gave a recent live show 5K’s and they have been confirmed to appear at this year’s Download Festival. Prior to this they undertake a small UK tour, stopping off for this show. £7 adv, doors 7.30pm.

Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Weekly open mic session hosted by Lemonsky 8-12.30 £1 from 9pm Jonah Lomu @ Waterstones Cardiff Hayes. The former All Black and one of the rugby’s greatest players will be signing copies of his autobiography. 4.30pm Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach INME, X is Loaded, Hiding Place. Since releasing their debut album 'Overgrown Eden' to huge critical acclaim the band disappeared to write the follow up. Currently in LA recording the album, it should be in the shops by September. The new material promises to be good: new single 'Faster The Chace' is Zane Lowe's Single Of The Week. Hotly tipped Bath four-piece X is Loaded will be first on to wow the crowds. Be one of the first to see them. 8.00pm. £9 Lemar @ St. David’s Hall Plus special guests. 7:30pm. £18.50

Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm.

Free. Express @ Barfly 10pm-1am £3 (NUS) Live @ Barfly Six By Seven + Joya £6 adv, doors 7.30pm All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!

Enough? 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Cheapskates @ Metros It may be a little dark cave but don’t let that put you off. This really is a legendary night...Go on, get yourself a musical education! Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code. 9pm-2am.

Hang the DJ @ The Model Inn Bring your music and play it from 8 for the official preclwb warm up. Free entry Patua Dance Afro-Brazilain Dance Workshop @ Chapter Arts Centre Suitable for all abilities. 7:30-9:00 £5 (NUS) Mutation @ O'Neill's Fresh dose of boshing techno and psyche-trance. Yuck. 9pm - 2am Club Night @ The Toucan Club - Booby-trap Records’ weekly club night. Feat. Kentucky AFC & Brave Captain, plus resident Booby DJs and simply everything else to do with loud explosions! £3.50 Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan The Toucan House band The Pockets play acoustic soul & hippy funk,on a night dedicated to promoting acoustic bands and singer songwriters. 8pm1am £3/£2 Machine Meadow @ Moloko DJ Mike Lock, alias mi:kel?k’tro:nik (münster.de) with Underpass and C++. A sickening selection of German electro-disco. 9pm - 2am.

FF Vinyl Presents @ Clwb Ifor Bach Gabrielle 25, Sweet Baboo, Science FF Vinyl showcase night. 8.00pm. £4 Bill Bailey: Part Troll @ St. David’s Hall Star of Never Mind The Buzzcocks and Black Books. 8:00pm. £17.50

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, D’n’B, breaks. Drinks promotions all night. 9pm-2am.

Free before 11, £1 after.

Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am.

Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes - pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm- 2am. Free.

Live @ Barfly Chikinki, The Voices.

Chikinki Formed in Bristol in 1997, and recently signed to Island Records, Chikinki spawn influences from Beta Band, add n to x, and Portishead as can be heard in their recent single 'Ether Radio'. They have just finished a drowned in sound tour, and head out again to support the relase of their debut album in June.

Support from new Welsh hopefuls The Voices.

Interestingly The Voices also apear to be playing The Toucan tonight, I wonder if they’ve realised yet?!

Rocknight @ Barfly Classic rock night. 11pm2am £2 (NUS).

HARDSPOON @ The Toucan presenting live music from Startsky, The Hypokrit & The Voices. A night of Interactive multi-media events, with Video, DJs and Wideload Visuals.

9pm till 2am £4/3. Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Weekly open mic. session hosted by Lemonsky. 8-2am £1 after 9pm Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska Uprising has put reggae firmly back on Cardiff's musical agenda. Selectors Reno, Truth and Candyman, supported by DJs Ruben and Grumps, keep the Thursday night crowd bubbling, spinning the hottest Jamaican import 7'' alongside classic selections from the 70s, 80s and 90s. 10.00pm. £3.

Opera @ The New Theatre Carmen by Bizet Sung in French with English surtitles. 7:30pm Spirit Of The Dance - The Attraction @ St. David’s Hall Irish Dance combines with the sensual Latino rhythms of Flamenco and redhot Salsa in a sensational international dance spectacular. 7:30pm. £13.50.

Saturday05/06

Sunday06/06

CinemaWeek

Live @ Barfly Portobella + The Vanities + Orcop. £4 adv, doors 7.30pm Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco. 10:30pm11 Free with flyer. £1 after 11 with flyer.

Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm.

Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro. 9pm-3am.

The weekend alternative @ The Engine Rooms every two weeks! Retro, cheese, indie, funk, britpop, disco, rock, dance, electro and MORE...! 9 PM till 2 AM. 80p a double + mixer! (does this remind you of anywhere else…?) £3.50 with NUS Shuttle Buses will be running after the club, Shuttling into the city centre at £1.00 per person. (OK I can forgive them for the stolen doubles price - this is a fantastic idea!)

Submerge @ The Toucan A one off funky drum’n’bass night brought to you by the Submerge guys. Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan DJ Kris Jenkins. 6pm-2am Free B4 10pm £3.50 after Machine Meadow and Moxie Plenty @ Clwb Ifor Bach Moxie and Meadow present Rich Thair (Red Snapper/Warp) DJ Underpass (Machine Meadow) and DJ C++ (Machine Meadow). DJ Rich Thair will be spinning an irresistible blend of electro, breaks and dirrrty house, with support from the capital's electro standard-bearers. (Middle floor presents: the mutant disco with Antidote DJ Carl Rylatt.). 10pm - 3am.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Caves . The Hot Puppies . Twig. Three of the best bands coming out of Cardiff at the moment. Record company execs have been courting The Caves for quite a while, and now they are getting all hot under the collar with The Hot Puppies and Twig. This is your chance to see them before they get big. 8.00pm. £4.

Opera @ The New Theatre Katya Kabanova

by Janácek. Sung in Czech with English surtitles. 7:15pm.

Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7.30. £3 per team.

This quiz has a new name but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is. You’ll have to make do with ‘Who wants to be a clever Dick’ until hell freezes over and someone bothers to send me an email to correct my distressing error.

Taboo@ Moloko World music till midnight.

Free entry.

Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry.

Live @ Barfly Instruction £6 adv, doors 7pm, 14+ Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Acoustic open mic sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen.

Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas.

8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm

Thursday03/06

Chapter Arts Centre

A Touch of Spice. A multiple award-winner at the 2003 Thessaloniki Film Festival, and the biggest ever box office hit in Greece, this is the story of Fanis, a young boy growing up in Costantinoupolis, whose grandfather teaches him that both food and life require a little spice to give them flavour. Thirty five years on, Fanis, now an excellent cook, travels back to his birthplace to see his grandfather again, and realises that while using his culinary skills to spice up the lives of the people around him, he may have neglected himself.

Tues: 14:30, 18:15 Talk to Her (Habla Con Ella) Another chance to see Almodóvar’s hit in which two men meet at a private clinic, one a nurse and the other visiting his girlfriend, a bullfighter in a coma following an accident in the ring. Tues: 20:30 Tess A sumptuous, sensitive adaptation of Tess of the D’Urbervilles, with Nastassja Kinski affecting and credible as the beautiful, doomed heroine. Hardy’s Wessex is very well captured by Geoffrey Unsworth and Ghislain Cloquet’s photography of Brittany and Normandy landscapes, while the direction combines attention to detail with a sense of the original’s scale and sweep. Wed: 14:30, Thurs: 19:00 Bad Education (La Mala Educación) In the early 60s, two boys – Ignacio and Enrique – discover love, movies and fear in a Christian school.

Father Manolo, the school principal and literature teacher, both witnesses and takes part in these discoveries. The three characters will meet again…. Fri: 18:15, 20:30, Sat: 20:30, Sun: 20:00 Balseros (Rafters) In summer 1994, more than 50,000 Cubans took to the sea in a motley array of rafts and floating junk in an attempt to reach the Florida shores. This documentary follows seven separate rafters over seven years, charting their first attempts, through internment at the notorious American military base in Guantanamo Bay, to new lives in the US. Nominated for the Best Documentary Oscar, 2004. Sat: 18:15

May 31 2004

Five minute fun

Page 19

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

CR OSSWORD Name: ____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office (this is the preferred option, as its less work for me, and more exercise for you) or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Tiebreaker set by Sports Editor Riath Al-Samarrai Which footballer would you like to spend an evening and why? _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ Last weeks winner: Fran, who is a Medic. You won because we pity you.

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick).

Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

1. How old was Uma Thurman when she married British legend Gar y Oldman?

2. Who wrote A Brief Histor y of Time?

3. Who stars in L’oreals new ad campaign? (can someone please inform me who the fuck this girl is) 4. What percentage of women with chlamydia are unaware they have it?

5. What teen soap did Joanna Taylor use to star in?

6. Where is the teeny jazz man Jamie Cullum from?

7. When do you feel the benefits of working out?

8. When is the National Condom Week?

9. What is the title of Johnny Depp’s latest film?

10. What was The Strokes’ second album entitled?

1. Eighteen 2. Professor Stephen Hawking 3. Liber ty Ross 4. 70% (as there are normally no symptoms (not that I have it mind you) 5. Hollyoaks 6. Wiltshire 7. On your day of rest (perfect!)

8. 10-16 May, dammit I missed it! 9. Secret Window 10.Room on Fire

***************** JOKE CORNER ******************* On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Sandra went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained ‘he had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning’. Horrified, Sandra suggested that shagging at the age of 87 was asking for trouble.

‘Oh no’ her gran replied. ‘We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells. In with the dings and out with the dongs’. She paused and wiped away a tear.

‘If it wasn’t for that damn ice cream van going past, he’d still be alive’ What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?

Your girlfriend will always blow your bonus Catherine tells her friend ‘I’ve never been happier, I’ve got two boyfriends. One is just fabulous, he’s handsome, sensitive, caring, considerate and he’s got a fantastic sense of humour’. ‘Well what on earth do you need the second one for?’ asks an envious friend.

‘Oh’ Catherine replies, ‘the second one is straight’.

Where would you find OJ Simpson’s website on the Internet?

Slash, slash, backslash, escape.

A doctor is sitting in his surgery preparing to write out a prescription for a patient. He reaches into the top pocket of his white coat and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

‘Damn’ he swears, ‘That means some arsehole must have my pen’.

What’s pink and hangs out your pants?

Your Mum

THE wo-MEN COMMANDMENTS I. I shall never give you directions; you always know where you’re going II. I will never start discussing an important subject when you’re just about to drift off.

III. I understand how hard it can be, to remeber one day in an entire year IV. I will never diss your best mate V. A take away is very romantic...honest VI. Your car is baby no.1, I am only baby no.2 VII. Your six pack is the sexiest I have ever seen VIII. ‘No darling, I have never faked it before’ IX. Nothing is ever more important than watching The Premiership on a Saturday night X. Of course I dont think ickle Den is the sexiest human to ever grace the planet...you are.

Destination Unknown?

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Matt’s Problem Page

Page 20

May 31 2004

grproblempage@cf.ac.uk: because it takes a lot of money to look like a bag of shit.

Problem of the Week

Harry

Another Bikini

Dear Matt

Dear Matt....

Well, we have some (or at least one) very good looking girls living right next to us (I have to say that I am a STRAIGHT girl) but recently I’ve found out that this pretty blonde girl with one of her housemates was sunbathing in her backyard 95% completely butt-naked (she was just wearing a thong). I know she is pretty and she's doing it in her own backyard, but doesn't she know that there are other people there as well? I was a bit shocked about that too. Is there something wrong with me that I am in shock?

Livie x Okaaaaaaaaaaay. Several people would like to know your address so that they can establish a watch nest on your roof. I have to try and make sense of what you’ve written, even if your name can be shortened to ‘Liv’ and you put four full stops after my name as if to

Flasher Dear Matt, I write to you with two problems.

Firstly one of my flatmates seems to have a rather annoying knack for flashing himself to us, normally preferring to cover up his penis and only reveal his testicles (I thought I would include the extra detail for, no doubt, your rigorous psychological analysis). How can we deter him from falling into a life of wandering around Bute Park in nothing but a raincoat?

My other problem is that another of my flatmates is being picked on by other members of the flat, including pissing on her fancy dress handcuffs and a deal to draw on her (if she leaves her room untidy in an effort to motivate her) resulting in her going swimming with a giant penis on her back. However, this seems to occur because she revels in the attention and will actively seek it when she is bored. How can I stop anyone from getting hurt physically or mentally? Is it because she is blonde she agrees to such stupid things and attracts such attention?

Jon, 1st year Consider this young Jonathon. Is being an exposee as bad as having no discernable facial features?

What I’m tenuously arguing is that I’d rather be privy to a testicular showcase than have to live without a distinction between my nose and my eyebrows. My rigorous psychological analysis ought not to be tested by the differentiation between the penis and its poorly modelled chums. Bute Park does not offer such opportunity. The last time outbreaks of flashery occurred several people sought to photograph the occasion. If he

grant an illusion of grandeur. Have you been smoking crack, girl? I’ve just had another request for her address. It does seem a little odd to be sunbathing in a built-up area, but if she’s on her own property she’s entitled to do as she pleases. If she was shooting at you and causing a more sinister mode of distress, then I suppose you could say something, but as it stands you’ll have to shield your eyes from her boobles and pretend she isn’t there, or start a smear campaign against her. This would almost certainly have to start with the erection of a seventeen foot fence, which would nullify sun-exposure and render her…shaded. You could even take pictures of her, and post them to your other neighbours with the boobs cut out. This would probably imply that you are an utter lunatic, but would ensure solidarity with your community. It is absolutely wrong that you are in shock. This is a heinous and cruel reaction to a thing of nature.

Matt

wants a viable portfolio of criminal exposure he should make the effort to visit the all-girls halls of residence in an outstanding display of male fortitude. Your second problem requires a great deal more solving. The thought of a girl swimming with a willy on her back sounds far too good to be discouraged, and I would ‘actively seek’ to not suggest that her hair colour is a factor in her behaviour. Doing so may result in some sort of eating disorder. Getting hurt physically or mentally is fine if you can capitalise on it at a later date. This would excuse doing any number of the following: a) Eating your hand. b) Sitting in the driver’s seat of your family vehicle and threatening to ram-raid the Old Persons’ Home. c) Sleeping with four different people in as few days because it helps the pain. d) Listening to anything in a genre suffixed by "core". e) Eating salmon. f) Eating your housemate’s sun cream. g) Using the suncream to write "flange" on your sleeping comrade’s back. h) Sniggering when a dead baby is mentioned. i) Making up dead baby jokes. j) Especially a new one about a microwave. k) Using alphabetical lists to instil a small amount of creative freedom into an otherwise formulaic and contorted response. l) SHOUTING AT MY HOUSE THE OTHER NIGHT, YOU BUNCH OF NOBBERS. So there we are. Slap her in the mouth, spit on her curtains and burn her possessions on a pyre.

She’ll get it eventually, young Jonathon.

Matt

I need help locating a student of Hogwarts. This student goes by the name of Harry and is believed to be masquerading as a student of Cardiff University and lurking around University Hall. Sources speak of constant jabbering about Somerset and tractors whilst consuming large quantities of cider. He has been likened to a Victor Meldrew character that constantly complains about things such as the food, minibuses (and associated drivers), "crap towns" and anything else he can find to swear at. He has been warned that excessive consumption of alcohol will result in a Quidditch ban and possible exclusion from the school. So I'm appealing to everyone to look out for Harry (who has been known to shout "Gary" spontaneously) and if you see him encourage him to continue his wizardry.

Dumbledore Just so you know, I fucking hate Harry Potter. The thought of a pubescent wizard pontificating about at an awfully named acade-

my for thick bastards with telekinetic powers, trying to besmirch foes with a pissing stick just doesn’t bode well for the state of literary fiction. Yes, I realise that everyone likes him and that ginger cohort because, well, he’s cute isn’t he? Bit of a metro I reckon. I bet he attends the showbiz parties with that FUCKER from CBBC. GOD I hate people. Hermione blatantly wants the 22-year-old-with-a-car, none of this inter-peer sexual adventury. Quidditch is, in every sense of the playground term, gay.

Victor Meldrew is gay. Your mum is gay and minibuses are gay.

Wizardry is gay, cider is gay and Somerset is gay. Tractors, however, are top. Tractors are so top that if I had a farm, and a big field, I may even consider the purchase of one. Especially if it had a haybailer attachment and a green roof. It’s always good to be in vogue with the fields if you’re going to drive a whopping great tractor. I would also appeal that you look out for this chap, and then break his head with a stick.

And if you’re reading this and thinking "oh dear, it’s not as good as the other week," then you can piss off as well, you great big fat GAYER. Matt

To whom ever decided to shout at my house the other night, a big up-yours, and to those of you emailing me out of boredom (funny how I’ve had more emails than ever since exams started…) a commendation of sorts. I believe next week’s is the last this term, so email by Wednesday afternoon and I’ll try to fit you in somewhere: Grproblempage@cf.ac.uk

Just for you, Phil models the latest in Cardiff Backyard Fashion. Phil doesn’t believe in fake-tan, exhibitionism, or even suncream. He’s just hard.

So hard he only has a slight tan-line.

Handy TIp of the Week I did a green poo this morning. I thoroughly recommend it. So it’s time for another bout of this badly-monickered black and white box. Only, I’ve not been inspired this week because noone’s done anything to inspire a vitriolic rant about nothing in particular. Can I be a columnist too?

Anyway, it’s nearly the end of term so newspaper distribution is waning meaning that no-one’s about to do Laura’s crossword and the rest of the paper has resorted to employing naked women to attract custom. Let’s not forget the swear word in last week’s headline, or the fact that I TOLD YOU not to buy any more burgers from those bloody vans.

And yes, I know, I ate one. But it was only research because it’s morally wrong to knock that which you have not experienced – which means that 99% of you may also have experienced the aforementioned green poo.

Microsoft word thinks that the word ‘poo’ is a lie. That might be because they call it poop. Or ‘pooh’. We like that one in my house.

Yes, it was me that saw you reading my page, and yes, you did call me the one word that I vowed never to use on this page. Journalistic principles you see. I’ll never say it and you can’t force it out of my fingers.

Your attempt was of certain finesse however, but no, you’ve got a really bad sense of balance and when I see you drunk I’m going to kick you somewhere. Figuratively at least.

What were Lou Carpenter’s flashbacks all about? Has ANYONE seen anything as deeply terrifying as Valda’s face in that awful special effect? The way her mouth moves? Horrible!

Dearie me. Lou falling down that hill was good though. What a wig. Karl is fast being replaced

by Max’s deadpan sexface. I love it. Gus poisons him though, which is no good. So I suppose my handy tip (yawn) would be to watch Karl and Izzy in a lift, and to thoroughly enjoy Connor saying "I’ve got to go!" a hundred more times. You love it. Next year I’m going to redesign this page you know. I am. I’m going to be a real columnist me.

Actually, those guys that shouted at my house, they really pissed me off. Not just because i had to be up the next day, but because the whole road has to put up with shit-faced idiots toddling home from the union/town, unnecessarily writing on cars and shouting those ‘random’ words which are so esoteric only three of you pissing laugh at it. So really, you’re a deplorable little shit. But, i suppose you’ve won, seen as i have to write a few more paragraphs to fill out this beautiful black void. I’m not cool enough for colour, you know. Or anything else for that matter. I can make Phil look mean though. And, don’t give me shit over the Harry Potter business. I don’t particularly care.

Television

May 31 2004

Page 21

wackojackogoesspacko@again.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV May 31-June 6

Ow!

It’s tears before bedtime with TV Desk’s Dangerous night in with Jacko*

HOT Mark Geragos “Every time I get caught being bad my attorney Mark is the first to defend me.

People say that lawyers are nasty, but his undying loyalty to free me from horrible child molestation charges shows how nice he is.”

SOAPS Bathtime With Bubbles Michael slips on his jewelled glove as I talk to him about the finer points of British culture. “Yes, Uri told me that soaps were a big part of society here. If only my life was as mundane as these programmes.” When I tell him about Janice Street Slaughter, Gash Ferreira et al, he perks up. “Hey, maybe my life isn’t so bad,” he warbles in his dulcet tones. He strokes my hair. “You were sure a cute kid, huh?” I move away and ask what he thinks of Fred’s mail-order bride, that cheeky monkey Orchid.

“Weeelll... She’s not really my cup of tea... Is she from Thailand? You know, that’s where Bubbles came from.” He pats his groin affectionately. “Yeah, I think I’d like to end up in Thailand, you know, when I’m declared innocent.”

Newbie TV Willy here. As the youngest, most fresh-faced and virile member of the infamous TV desk, Jacko seemed to take a liking to me the most. As I struggled to avoid making eye-contact with him, the ‘King Of Pop’ eulogised over his pick for Sunday’s TV. “Well, when I’m relaxing and enjoying trivial pursuits back at Neverland, I always like to stick on Malcolm in the Middle (Sky One, 12.00).” With a watchful eye on Jackson’s ‘busy hands’, I delve deeper into why Jackson would appreciate the suburban comedy starring three young teenage boys. “It’s a TV programme?”

Shamon indeed.

After the hasty exit of TV Willy, TV Holly hastens to smooth over the King’s dented ego.

“Oh, Jacko,” I coo, “You’ll always be the King of Pop to me. I love The Girl Is Mine - it’s always on my stereo!” But he pushes my hand away, and I begin to remember that I am here to get picks for this week’s TV otherwise what are you, poor TV readers, going to do?

“So, Mr Jackson,” I say, thinking that this will be a good tactic. “What do you think about Tuesday’s TV?” “Oh, TV Holly, you’re such a special person. You must know about Inside the Mind of Liza Minnelli. It’s on at 10.30pm, Channel 4.” He looks very cross. I realise I should have put a dildo down my jeans and shaved my hair off. Oh well, I think I’m too tall for him anyway. In a last attempt to salvage the interview, I ask: “So, what is in the mind of Liza?”

Michael raises an eyebrow. “She’s a woman after my own heart. She thinks the same as me.” I take that to mean cocks.

TV John sneaks in a quick quip: “Jacko - Michael, sorry: I was just wondering, with all the media attention you’re receiving recently, have you had a chance to relax at home at Neverland? Are there any new fun specimens you’re bringing in to keep your adrenalin pumping?”

“Hi John, so glad you could make it. I’d just like to thank my fans for sticking by me through all this negative publicity, man I mean I really appreciate this now. What do I do for to relax? Oh man, I dunno, can’t you ask me

something simple? You’re making me shy! Oh, I like learning programs. I liked this documentary I saw the other day, called World Weddings: Gypsy Child Brides.

(Wednesday 10pm, BBC2) That was real good you know? I really learned something. I was on cloud nine watching that one, yeah!”

“Michael, hey,” TV Andy joins in.

“After a hard day taking care of the kids, how do you relax - you know, kick back and get funky?”

“Well Andrew,” Jacko squeaks, tipping his trademark fedora towards me. “I have a real passion for crazy golf. It sounds weird I know, but I always seem to be able to find my inner child out on the course and it only takes a few swift strokes of those small white balls to make everything feel right.”

TV Andy raises a quizzical eyebrow.

“It’s true,” pleads Michael tugging nervously at his veil. “That’s why I recommend your lovely readers to watch Grudge Match on Thursday (C4, 11.45am), where two of the best putters in the game go head to head.”

As we prepare to fly far away from Neverland TV Andy manages to squeeze one more question in.

“Michael, who would you want to be with in the Big Brother house?”

“It’s a tough choice,” says Michael. “But I always like to meet new people, particularly if they’re ill in hospital or have younger brothers at home. Maybe that Haley Joel Osment would like some Jesus juice?”

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY Although I think I might have fucked up my rapport with Jacko, being that I’m female, bolshy and fat, I still decide, for the love of TV Desk, to persevere.

“So, Michael, what do you think about Big Brother?”

“You know, I find it quite sad. I mean, if I want to see people sleeping all through the night, tucked up in their little dormitories, hell, I’d just invite them to Neverland.”

“Hmm,” I say, and scratch my ‘bollocks’, attempting to look boyish. “So you don’t watch reality TV then? It’s a big thing in Britain at the moment.”

“Well, if I want to see the reality of life, I go to the stage shows. They remind me what’s important in this life and maybe the next.” Although I know he’s talking cock, I nod. “And you know, I love Peter Andre. Yeah, insania is how I feel sometimes.” I mention that he’s on ITV2 on Friday (9pm), but Jacko looks furious. “I’m in court that day.” Shit.

Jacko Gets a Feel for Those Reel-To-Reel Squeals “I love a nice night in with my friends. I mean, we saw Girl With the Pearl Earring (out May 31) but it was really long, and real boring. Me and my pals thought we’d try and make our own version. Heehee yeah! We called it Boy With the Pearl Necklace with one of my presents I got in Vegas. It was a real fun night.

“I just love Friends (series 9 and 10 out June 7), it’s real funny, it makes me laugh loads, yeah. It’s a bit grown up for me. Sometimes we like to phone up the video store and get pizza and popcorn. This one time, me and 11 of my friends were all staying up REAL late, so we got all these jellybeans and jelly sandwiches and we got Cheaper

By The Dozen. Like, there were twelve of us, and I just love having it cheaper by the dozen. I didn’t much like The Runaway Jury (June 14). I didn’t like that one, no. I don’t trust those juries. Grrr.”

NOT

Janet “She’s always been filled with jealousy about my profile. Then she pulls this little stunt at the Superbowl to get some publicity. The Jackson family name should not be shrouded with shameful sex stories.

I think I knew JT when he was a Mouseketeer.”

SPORT “Rather than watch what nasty Rupert Murdoch puts on Fox Sports I like to don one of my famous disguises and pop along to one of Neverland’s local elementaries to watch the highly competitive school sports days. A favourite of mine is the all-state wrestling tournament. Mmmm.”

FILMS Michael takes my hand and smiles, kindly. “God bless you,” he says. “Did you say you’ve got a little brother?” I assure him that I have, so he tells me his favourite film of all time is coincidentally on this week. “Yeah, it sums up something Macaulay said.” Catch Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? on Sunday (five, 11.55).

LEGAL SHIT

*

DISCLAIMER: As you might guess once again we haven’t actually interviewed Jacko to get this info, we actually made it up over several drunken conversations and games of Trivial Pursuit in the Graduate Centre based on the idea of an interview which had been fabricated in an amusing way.

Now I’m sure you’ll all take “Jacko’s” comments with a pinch of salt and just enjoy our rib tickling piss take. All comments expressed are our own and not those of The King of Pop, though I’m sure he loves crazy golf and Steve Martin comedies. I hope you enjoyed this second special edition of TV Desk. We are A, H and J. You have been had - again.

Monday

Today in your Union

Page 22

May 31 - June 6 2004

Gentlesportsgiant@babycrushing.co.uk

FUN FACTORY Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night (NUS)

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle.

Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year.

The site at Cooper’s Field will be awash with black tuxedos and ballgowns on the 11th June, all entertained by the fabulous line up created by the union ents team.

Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm.

Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees.

Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night

Free Willy BBC1 2.15pm

Aliens Among Us five 9.40am

Women Who Kill: Fatal Attraction ITV2 9pm

The Mighty Boosh BBC3 11pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Animal Park 10.00 FILM: The Wind in the Willows ** 11.25 Born to Be Wild 12.25 Judgemental 12.55 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 13.15 Cash in the Attic 14.15 FILM: Free Willy The Darius Danesh story.** 16.00 FILM: The Little Vampire ** 17.30 Open All Hours Arkwright and Granville open the shop before dawn in order to catch the morning rush from Abygale’s.

18.00 BBC News 18.35 FILM: Flubber Pointless Disney remake with Robin Williams mugging his way through another crap role. *** 20.00 EastEnders As Nana enjoys her hen party, Wilfred plans a surprise to prove he loves her. But the plastic surgery goes horribly wrong and he’s left with a penis the size of a penlid and no testicles. How’s he going to satisfy Nana’s rampant sexual appetite now?

20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Murphy's Law Murphy investigates a mother's claim that her son died because of a leak at a biotech facility. That’s it, blame science for all your problems again.

22.00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 22.20 FILM: Total Recall Preposterous, but watchable Arnie Sci-fi bunk. **** 00.10 FILM: Play Misty for Me With Clint Eastwood and Jessica Walter. Tense thriller about a radio DJ who becomes the object of a listener's desire that escalates into a fanatical obsession. Much like TV Holly’s brush with her letter writer last week. ****

06.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.35 Bob the Builder 06.45 Little Robots 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.15 There's A Viking in My Bed 07.30 SMart 07.55 Newsround 08.00 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.15 Bring It On 08.40 Fairly Odd Parents 09.00 Hero to Zero 09.30 Watch My Chops 09.45 ChuckleVision 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 SMarteenies 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 11.25 The Phil Silvers Show 11.50 FILM: The Moon Is Blue ** 13.25 William Holden: An Untamed Spirit 14.10 FILM: Love Is a Many Splendored Thing ** 15.50 Flog It! 16.20 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 16.50 FILM: The Devil's Brigade ** 19.00 TOTP 2 Anyone else, notice that last weeks shows all had terrible songs right at the end?

What was that waterskiing cowboy all about?

19.30 Combat Pilot 20.00 Britain Goes Wild with Bill Oddie Bill Oddie, Simon King and Kate Humble introduce the start of the biggest ever live wildlife event in Britain. They will follow the intimate daily lives of a cast of unforgettable wildlife characters from otters and gannets in Scotland to robins and badgers in Devon.

Sounds fucking awful - I wonder if they’ll catch a man buggering a heron?

21.00 Dead Ringers 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.00 I Am Not an Animal 22.30 FILM: Boys and Girls ** 00.00 Joins BBC News 24 01.00 BBC Learning Zone:

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 09.35 Boohbah 10.00 The Big Bang 10.15 Fingertips 10.35 The Yuk Show 11.00 The Making of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban 11.30 Simon Cowell - American Idol 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.50 Building the Dream 13.35 Agatha Christie's Poirot 15.35 The Bond Essentials 16.00 FILM: On Her Majesty's Secret Service **** 18.30 ITV1 Wales News 18.45 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Chas and Carl make an arresting sight - al fresco. I’m sure Dave’s not going to be too happy; they’ve been booked to play a Bar Mitzvah down the road.

19.30 Coronation Street A freshly-scrubbed Chesney scuppers the campaign to keep him by proclaiming that he’s still the one and only.

20.00 Airline 20.30 Coronation Street Danny marks out his territory at Underworld by pissing in each of the corners.

21.00 Hell's Kitchen Everyone else not bothering to watch this any more?

22.00 Coronation Street Three times in one night? That’s a bit of overkill. Even I don’t usually see that much action.

22.30 ITV News 22.45 Trouble in Paradise 23.45 Champions League Weekly 00.15 UEFA Stories 01.05 Snowbombing 01.35 Building the Dream 02.00 Today with Des and Mel 02.45 Grounded for Life 03.10 Entertainment Now! 03.35 Mixmasters 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 07.15 Tomos y Tanc 07.20 Ribidires 07.35 Trionglau Bach 07.45 Planed Plant: Mona y Fampir 08.00 Waaa!

08.30 Max N 09.00 Big Brother 10.00 Britney Spears Live from Miami 11.50 T4's Countdown to Pop Beach 2004 12.20 The Great Pretenders 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 Up Your Street 13.30 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 16.15 Countdown 17.00 Friends 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 UK's Best Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

19.45 Dros Gymru Poet Cen Williams was raised on Anglesey and still lives in the area. He explains why the region is so close to his heart.

Because it’s the only place which will accept inbred freaks such as himself.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 21.30 How Clean Is Your House?

22.00 Big Brother 22.35 Derren Brown: Seance Hmm, despite my approval of Mr Brown generally I suspect that this will be a big pile of horse droppings. TV Holly informs me that it was “amazing” when he did it live, but whether the same feat will be faithfully recreated on TV we’ll wait an see. Plus I consider all psychics and mediums as charaletans and whores so my expectations are low to begin with.

23.45 Big Brother's Efourum 00.15 Big Brother Live 02.10 Will and Grace 02.35 Monster Garage 03.30 Football: South American Championship

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 MechaNick 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Milkshake!

07.35 Peppa Pig 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Make Way for Noddy 08.20 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.50 Franny's Feet 09.05 Aussie Antics 09.10 Oswald 09.25 PB Bear and Friends 09.30 The Ice Cream Machine 09.40 Aliens among Us 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 World Stunt Awards 2004 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 FILM: Corrina, Corrina ** 15.40 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the Reckless Romeo What’s Beckham Jnr. been up to then? ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Kane threatens Kit but then regets it as David Hasselhof runs him over while getting his “Gangsta” persona down pat.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Road Rages: Rural Hell This programme dispels the common perception of the countryside as an idyllic retreat by exposing some of the worst behaviour from country road users. Expect angry tractor action.

20.00 Building the Ultimate 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 FILM: On Deadly Ground When a film is directed by and stars Steven Segal you know to avoid it. ** 23.00 Hardcore: The Larry Flynt Story Hmm - he’s a nasty cunt for sure. Some good films though....

00.05 Sex and Shopping 01.05 NHL Ice Hockey

19.00 FILM: Rush Hour With Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker.

All things considered there’s plenty worse you could be watching at this hour of the day.

That’s if you can stand Chris Tucker’s stream of verbal diarrhoea *** 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 The Third Degree Raphael Rowe investigates Britain's richest villians. This edition focuses on the richest criminals - the fraudsters.

Featuring Piers Morgan.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Coupling Steve is haunted by the ghost of spanking lesbians at an antenatal class. I don’t even need to alter this one...

23.00 The Mighty Boosh Howard accepts a bet to dress in a gorilla costume when the zoo's oldest gorilla falls ill.

23.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 00.00 Monkey Dust 00.30 Nighty Night 01.00 Who Rules the Roost 02.00 The Mighty Boosh 02.30 The Third Degree 03.25 Strictly Come Dancing

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.00 Coronation Street 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 16.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.45 Movies Now 16.55 The Making of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban 17.30 F1: European Grand Prix 18.30 Champions League Weekly 19.00 Hell's Kitchen Live Yawn.

21.00 Women Who Kill: Fatal Attraction Maria Hnatiuk stabbed a woman to death to prove her love for the man who had drawn up a contract making her his slave, and Jennifer Reali shot her married boyfriend's wife after her born-againChristian lover convinced her that adultery was a worse sin than murder. The dumb bint.

22.00 Taxi Nights 22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.30 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.30 Coronation Street 02.00 Coronation Street

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 09.30 The Virtual Magician 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 12.00 Fear Factor 13.00 Max Magic 14.00 The Virtual Magician 14.30 Kirsty's Home Videos 15.00 Big Brother's Little Wedding 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons The tedium of being a housewife begins to get to Marge. And the tedium of writing TV listings begins to bite as well.

19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Roswell: Cover-Ups and Close Encounters Jonathan Frakes investigates the known facts about the Roswell incident of 1947 when something unidentified crashed on an isolated ranch in New Mexico. Nice and short programme then.

22.00 Three Lions 23.00 How Gay Are You? 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias

06.00 Big Brother Live 15.30 Big Brother 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Big Brother Live 19.00 Big Brother's Efourum Surely effluent would be a better title.

19.30 Big Brother Live 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 The OC 22.50 Big Brother's Little Brother Join Dermot O'Leary for the first of tonight's Big Brother eviction shows. With phone-ins and up-to-the-minute news, plus interviews with relatives and other special guests. Evictions already, eh? They must be desperate for ratings. Still we’ll all be watching like stupid fuckers just so we can see what roadkill C4 are serving up as an offerering to Beezlebub this year. Plus Dermot’s usually good for a laugh anyhow.

23.25 Big Brother Live God I’m thirsty - time for a pint.

As S4C except: 06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Totally Spies!

06.25 The Hoobs Groove's collection of things that move includes things that shake, shudder and spin, but it won't be complete until he finds something that wobbles. How about Jordan? 06.50 The Hoobs Preschool 07.15 Spider-Man 07.40 Friends 08.10 Big Brother 09.10 Futurama 09.35 Futurama 10.00 The Day After Tomorrow Premiere Special 10.30 T4's Countdown to Pop Beach 2004 11.00 Friends 11.30 Friends 11.55 Beyonce: Live in Concert 13.00 Prince's Trust Urban Music Festival: The Divas 13.30 Channel 4 Racing 15.10 Countdown 15.55 How Friends Changed the World 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.05 John Updike: American Storyteller 20.00 Secret History: D-Day Disaster 21.00 D-Day: Time Team Special 02.10 Boss Swap 03.10 Football: South American Championship 05.00 Fish People Go Amazon 05.50 Totally Spies!

Tuesday

May 31 - June 6 2004

Page 23

rapedbyanapewithagrape@zoo.co.uk

There’s a Viking in 60 Minute Makeover My Bed BBC2 7.15am ITV1 1pm

Nazi Women

Cabaret

C4 1.50am

C4 11.35pm

06.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.35 Bob the Builder 06.45 Little Robots 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.15 There's a Viking in My Bed 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.15 Bring It On 08.40 Fairly Odd Parents 09.00 Hero to Zero 09.30 Watch My Chops 09.45 ChuckleVision 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 SMarteenies 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 11.35 The Phil Silvers Show 12.00 Wildlife on Two 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 The Phil Silvers Show 13.25 FILM: Rachel and the Stranger *** 14.55 Garden Invaders 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Green Party 18.00 Get a New Life Get a TV Monkey.

19.00 TOTP 2 Songs from Culture Club, Slade, Howard Jones, Yes, H20, Pop Will Eat Itself and Paul McCartney. I fucking hate PMcC. Dickhead.

19.30 The Good Life Old-fashioned gash for people who think that wellies are sexy (though I want a pink pair, and I’m pretty hot).

20.00 Britain Goes Wild 21.00 Prisoners' Families: The Silent Sentence 22.00 Yes, Minister 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Game of Their Lives Stuff about football, and not about being on the game, unfortunately.

00.45 Fascism and Football 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Science: Science in Action 04.00 Science in Action

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Boohbah 15.40 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 16.05 The Quick Trick Show 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 I Want That House Revisited 17.30 Building the Dream I manage to sell my novella, and roll around in the profits with the person who wrote me a love letter last week. Sorry, but I’m not going to let that go.

18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Lisa agrees to let Zak take on Rodney's quest for liquid gold. And I didn’t think he looked like a water-sports man. How wrong you can be.

20.00 The Vault Shitters get angry when they can’t answer Mel’s easy questions, such as the notorious ‘which of these footballers haven’t I shagged’ riddle.

21.00 Hell's Kitchen Well, it could be Big Brother...

22.00 Poor Little Rich Girls I’m not being funny, but the ‘poor girl’ on this has the most amazing norks (even better than mine!).

22.30 ITV News 23.00 Party Election Broadcast by the Green Party Election.

23.05 FILM: The Color of Money “Paul Newman makes great vinigrette”. Thanks, TV Fuck. *** 01.15 F1: European Grand Prix Replayed 03.55 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 07.05 Triongl 07.15 Tomos y Tanc 07.20 Y Brodyr Coala 07.45 Planed Plant: Mona y Fampir 08.00 Waaa! 08.30 Max N 09.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 09.30 Big Brother 10.00 FILM: Kind Hearts and Coronets ***** 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 The City Gardener 13.30 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 16.15 Countdown 17.00 Richard and Judy ‘Best bits’, apparently. Richard and not Judy, perhaps?

17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Green Party 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother Jesus. It’s that time already.

18.30 UK's Best Friends Right, the listing for this sounds similar to Friends. But that’s finished, hasn’t it?

Please god, make it go away! And why is it UK? The mystery of fucking Friends, indeed.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Stacey buys a new car, but Meic and Anita's vehicle will not start. What’s that got to do with Stacey? Bejesus!

20.25 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 21.30 Hacio Current affairs rot.

22.00 Big Brother Yep, this really is it - shitter TV. Watch at your peril/execution by me. Mind you, I’ll be addicted in a week. I’m such a sucker.

22.30 Ten Days to D-Day 23.30 FILM: Police Academy Featuring Kim Cattrall, though probably not with her legs around some stud. Stud? How old am I?! ** 01.15 NYPD Blue 02.10 Prince's Trust Urban Music Festival: A Tribute to Jay-Z

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 MechaNick 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Milkshake!

07.35 Peppa Pig 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Make Way for Noddy 08.20 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.50 Franny's Feet 09.05 Aussie Antics 09.10 Oswald 09.25 PB Bear and Friends 09.30 The Ice Cream Machine 09.40 Aliens among Us 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: The Boys *** 17.30 five news 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Green Party.

18.00 Home and Away Paris gets some bad news.

“You were faking it on the video - boring!” (Well, I don’t know - it’s what TV Andy says).

18.30 Family Affairs Things look worse for Pete after he loses his temper in court.

Well, that Judge should know how unflattering that wig is.

19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear Car shit. Well, you know what I mean.

Bollocks.

20.00 The Greatest Magic Tricks in the Universe...

Ever 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent Decapitation headlines.

22.55 Death Scene Investigators: Naming the dead 23.55 Angel 00.45 Indy Racing League: Indianapolis 500 01.30 V8 Supercars: Hidden Valley 02.20 NASCAR Busch Series: Carquest Auto Parts 300

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Inner Spaces 20.00 The Mighty Boosh Howard accepts a bet to dress in a gorilla costume when the zoo's oldest gorilla falls ill. Nice.

20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three No, I don’t want to.

21.00 Little Britain “But it’s red...you said red reminded you of bloody fields from the Somme.” “Yeah, I know.”

21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders The bailiffs come knocking on the Ferreiras' door. And let’s hope they take them away, far, far away 22.30 The Mighty Boosh Dixon Bainbridge, Howard and Vince head to the Arctic in search of the Egg of Mantumbi.

23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 00.00 Nighty Night 00.30 Little Britain 01.00 Monkey Dust 01.30 The Mighty Boosh 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Nighty Night 03.00 Inner Spaces 03.30 Strictly Come Dancing

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.35 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street Martin explodes at Katy's confession.

She shouldn’t have filled him with firecrackers when she said she’d been opening the hairy axe wound to others, really.

18.30 Emmerdale Chas and Carl make an arresting sight - al fresco. Let’s hope there were no flies around - they go for protein, I hear.

19.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 21.00 Women who Kill: Blood Money I would - if it were rag week and I had no dosh for tampons.

22.00 House of Horrors 22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.35 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.35 Jerry Springer 02.10 Late Show with David Letterman 02.55 Teleshopping 04.25 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 09.30 The Virtual Magician 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 11.00 Malcolm in the Middle 11.30 Futurama 12.00 Fear Factor 13.00 Max Magic 14.00 The Virtual Magician 14.30 Kirsty's Home Videos 15.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Simpsons Grandpa sells a home-made tonic which increases sexual desire in men, and reveals that Homer's conception was an accident. I wish they really did sell this. I’m dying of sexual frustration!

19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Tru Calling 21.00 Angel 22.00 Las Vegas 23.00 Scrubs 23.30 Shock Video 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 Mutant X 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition

06.00 Big Brother Live 14.25 Friends 15.25 Big Brother's Efourum 15.55 Big Brother 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Big Brother Live 19.00 Big Brother Nominations Uncut 19.30 Big Brother Live 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Friends The guys challenge the girls to a trivia contest where the subject is each other.

Pah, that’s easy. Not like Trivial Pursuit: Millennium Edition, which we will be playing very soon.

22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 Big Brother's Little Brother 23.10 Big Brother Live Well, it’s all go on E4, otherwise known as Big Brother Round the Clock TV. Never mind, there are other things to watch. I have written a novella, and am very smug. I want to turn it into a film, so if you want to have sex on film, let me know...

As S4C, except: 06.10 The Hoobs What is sand for?

Castles? 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Spider-Man 07.30 Friends 08.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 08.30 Big Brother 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 Will and Grace 10.15 ER 11.10 Third Watch 12.30 Frasier 13.00 Life with Judy Garland - Me and My Shadows 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in Greece 16.30 A Place in Greece Guess no. 19: Zakynthos? 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Hollyoaks Darren takes revenge on Scott by leaving a little present on his computer. Pubes! 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Art Savant: Talking Pictures 20.00 Selling Houses 20.30 The City Gardener Revisited 21.00 Bollywood Star 22.30 Inside the Mind of Liza Minnelli Worms, snap-dragons and sausage rolls. 23.35 FILM: Cabaret ***** 01.50 Nazi Women: Magda Goebbels Hitler's First Lady 02.50 Hitler and Stalin: Twin Tyrantsy 04.15 Stargate SG-1

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle.

Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year.

Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm.

Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees.

Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 D-Day 60 11.00 Bargain Hunt 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Call My Bluff 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 50/50 16.35 Ace Lightning 17.00 Really Wild Show Chris Packham bites off Terry Nutkin’s fingers. Oh, actually, that was last decade.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Rocco sets out to give Toadie and Sindi a fright, by dressing up in a sheet.

Woo! Izzy accuses Scott of stealing, but doesn’t mind because she didn’t use that dildo anymore. Scott's pride is hurt as he realises that Serena is embarrassed to be seen with him. However, we all know that it should be the other way round.

The pug-faced, frizzy haired bitch.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today.

18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Green Party 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders Alfie makes a shocking discovery about Wilfred. He actually likes the sight of Nana Moon’s flange, maybe.

20.00 Holby City 21.00 Cutting It Gash.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 Match of the Day: England v Japan Highlights.

23.55 FILM: The Ex ** 01.25 Sign Zone: See Hear 02.10 Sign Zone: Make Me Honest 03.10 Sign Zone: New Servants 04.00 Sign Zone: Houses Behaving Badly

Tropical Tuesday: Cocktails £2.50, Shooters £1.00

Wednesday

Today in your Union

Page 24

May 31 - June 6 2004

sch-wing!@tristan.co.uk

RUBBER DUCK BEACH PARTY Solus 10pm – 2am £3 £1.50 Carling, Strongbow, Worthy’s, VS, Vodka Red Bull

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Tasteful TV five 12.05am

The Great Pretenders ITV2 5.30pm

When Pilots Eject

Waaa!

five 8pm

S4C 8am

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 D-Day 60 11.00 Bargain Hunt 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Call My Bluff 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 The Mummy 16.30 Fairly Odd Parents 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Lyn knocks back Lou's request to help him win Valda back. Bankrupt psychopath - I wouldn’t let him touch my mother either 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the UK Independence Party 19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 DIY SOS 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 20.00 Destination D Day 21.00 21.00 Hot Plastic 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Belonging 23.05 Imagine Profile of AWESOME artist Edward Hopper.

Frankly, I know next to fuck all about art, and even I like Edward Hopper. Perfection in the form of isolated, suicide-inducing desolate cityscapes. Yum. 23.55 Boxing 01.40 Sign Zone: In Search of Genius 02.40 Sign Zone: In Search of Genius I fail to see how they’re expecting to find any of it, given the lack of experts hovering around the collective genius that is TV Desk recently.

03.40 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 04.25 Sign Zone: Houses Behaving Badly

06.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.35 Bob the Builder 06.45 Little Robots 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.15 There's a Viking in My Bed 07.30 Really Wild Show 07.55 Newsround 08.00 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.15 Bring It On 08.40 Fairly Odd Parents 09.00 Hero to Zero 09.30 Watch My Chops 09.45 ChuckleVision 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 SMarteenies 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 11.25 FILM: A Stitch in Time *** 13.00 Lifeline 13.10 Big Screen Britain 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: Back to Bataan **** 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the UK Independence Party 18.00 Get a New Life 19.00 TOTP 2 The Rembrandts, Annie Lennox and Tom Jones ruin an otherwiseOK line-up 19.30 Battle of the Bookies 20.00 Britain Goes Wild with Bill Oddie 21.00 Jimmy's Farm The first pigs arrive, and the plan is to be selling sausages

by September. But the butchery is still a crumbling shed, and Jimmy has no idea how sausages are actually made. Plank. Rumour has it Jimmy’s bezzie mates with Jamie “The Cunt Himself” Oliver. Which, if my calculations are accurate, makes him a nauseating pseudo-cockney git.

22.00 World Weddings: Gypsy Child Brides 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Nine Lives of Alice Martineau 00.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Look Out Haskell, It's Real!

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Mr Bean: The Animated Series The only thing imagineable worse than the film, which was the only thing imagineable worse than the TV series, which was fucking awful 16.05 Fingertips 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 I Want That House Revisited 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Sally puts a rocket under Kevin and the garage. I presume this is metaphorically speaking, although in the midst of the current Corrie high jinks, who knows?

20.00 The Bill 21.00 Hell's Kitchen 22.00 Poor Little Rich Girls Poor my ass. Hang them all.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 Party Election Quelle surprise, it’s by the UK Independence Party 23.05 D-Day Despatches 23.20 The Ferret 23.55 Club Reps “Club Rapes” more like.

00.20 Redcoats 00.45 CD:UK Hotshots 01.10 The Joy of Decks 01.35 Undeclared 02.00 Take the Mike The Santa Barbara County Sherriffs’ Department, child abuse wing story 02.25 Trisha 03.20 World Sport 03.45 Mixmasters 04.10 ITV Nightscreen

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 07.05 Seren For 07.10 Caffi Sali Mali 07.25 Tomos y Tanc Weren’t half the engines Welsh anyway?

Or am I dangerously confused?

Every episode of this ended up with some train or other being stuck in a tunnel, or covered in cake, or desperately unlikely mishap anyway.07.35 Trionglau Bach 07.45 Planed Plant: Mona y Fampir 08.00 Waaa!

08.30 Max N 09.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 09.30 Big Brother 10.00 FILM: Private's Progress *** 11.50 Grudge Match 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 A Place in Greece 13.30 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 16.15 Countdown 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Election Broadcast by the UK Independence Party 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 UK's Best Friends Episode with Brad Pitt in.

“Phwoar” - idiots. “Crap episode” - lovers of comedy everywhere 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 21.30 10 Years Younger 22.00 Big Brother 22.30 ER 23.30 Frasier 00.00 Chicken Wire 00.10 Big Brother's Efourum 00.45 Big Brother Live 02.45 FILM: Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh ** 04.30 The Chris Isaak Show Alas, no prior goss on planet Earth’s hottest TV sitcom, so it’’ll be a case of watch and learn this week. Elsewhere, back in the world of self-indulgence. I REALLY need somewhere to live, so if you want to house a hapless cross-dressing TV critic, please come up and get me. Please.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Inner Spaces Interior design crap “introducing” new talent Lucy Jules, possibly a relation to whining slaphead Gary, but probably not.

20.00 The Mighty Boosh 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 FILM: Rambo: First Blood Part II ** 22.30 Bodies 23.30 Strictly 00.00 Trauma on Three 00.30 The Mighty Boosh 01.00 Bodies With Max “Mel B’s tinkered with my organ” Beesly, adverts for which have been plastered all over Radio 1, not that that’s any sort of recommendation. 02.00 The Mighty Boosh 02.30 Trauma on Three 03.00 Inner Spaces 03.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three Fuck off! Stop trying to resurrect aged fads like ballroom dancing that frankly nobody wants to watch. What people should be doing, of course, is helping me find a house, because I don’t particularly want to say “see you later” to Cardiff, but if there’s no choice...

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.45 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 16.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.45 Movies Now 16.55 The Making of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban “So basically, we realized that releasing it at the same time as Lord of the Rings was getting stupid, so we’re pretending this film took longer to make and is therefore better, whereas in truth we just delayed the release for ages.

Capisce?

17.30 Coronation Street 18.00 Emmerdale 19.00 Hell's Kitchen 21.00 Women Who Kill: The Susan Smith Story Who? 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.30 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.30 Late Show with David Letterman 02.20 Teleshopping 03.50 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Stupid white haired sleazy wanker.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 09.30 The Virtual Magician 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 Malcolm in the Middle 11.30 Futurama 12.00 Fear Factor 13.00 Max Magic 14.00 The Virtual Magician 14.30 Kirsty's Home Videos 15.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Tarzan 21.00 Extremely out of Control 22.00 Three Lions Football documentary. James Beattie attends a ladies night at Southampton FC. That’ll be the players bar then. Arf. 23.00 FILM: Carlito's Way **** 01.40 Star Trek: Voyager 02.30 Alias 03.20 Dark Angel 04.10 Cribs 04.20 Celebrities: The Truth

06.00 Big Brother Live 15.25 Big Brother Nominations Uncut 15.55 Big Brother 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Big Brother Live 19.00 Big Brother's Efourum Erm... did someone say “The Late Review for undersexed nerds?” wahey!

19.30 Big Brother Live 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Friends 22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 Big Brother's Little Brother 23.10 Big Brother Live So what’s going on in your world? I listened to Jo Whiley today, while she interviewed Jake Gillingham whatshisname Donnie Darko. He struck as a bit of a berk with one joke (oh-so-hilariously saying “Jo Whiley!” in a cockney accent) and talking up his famous girlfriend and famous friends he went to school with.

People then phoned in saying he was “down to earth.” You what?

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 MechaNick 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Milkshake!

07.35 Peppa Pig 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Make Way for Noddy 08.20 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.50 Franny's Feet 09.05 Aussie Antics 09.10 Oswald 09.25 PB Bear and Friends 09.30 The Ice Cream Machine 09.40 Aliens among Us 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Into Thin Air: Death On Everest ** 17.30 five news 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the UK Independence Party. I think switching to cable at five to 6 looks like the best idea.

18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Escape from... Auschwitz 20.00 When Pilots Eject They spray at 20,000 feet.

21.00 The Truth Behind the Moon Landings: Stranger than Fiction My dad saw this about a year ago, and even he questioned the authenticity of the moon landings. He’s not a thicky, you know 22.00 Death on Everest An unprecedented TWO programs about death on Everest on five today 23.05 The Most Bizarre Ads in the World The backwards talking / dancing dog Fosters ad 00.05 Tasteful TV 00.35 Boxing: Fight of the Week: David Telesco v Derrick Harmon 01.50 2004 European Under-21 Championships

06.00 Insektors 06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Spider-Man 07.30 Friends 08.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 08.30 Big Brother 09.30 Will and Grace 10.00 ER 10.55 Third Watch 11.45 The Great Pretenders 12.30 Frasier 13.00 Life with Judy Garland Me and My Shadows 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Home from Home 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.55 Art Savant: The City Inside My Head 20.00 How Clean Is Your House?

20.30 10 Years Younger 21.00 ER 22.30 Frasier 23.05 Sex and the City 23.40 Sex and the City 02.45 Bedsitcom Intriguing reality tv esque comedy in which three randoms are shacked up with three actors with scripted lines. Could be good. Will be dire 03.10 Brazilian Football Championship 05.00 Vee-TV 05.25 Countdown With Jeremy Beadle in dictionary corner. Expect short-hand writing in abundance.

Thursday

May 31 - June 6 2004

Page 25

DominosonlyinOldham@naivetvmonkey.com

EastEnders BBC1 7.30pm

Smokey and The Bandit BBC1 0.55am

Human Mutants C4 9pm

Drew Barrymore - Love Chain ITV2 10pm

06.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.35 Bob the Builder 06.45 Little Robots 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.15 There's a Viking in My Bed 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.15 Bring It On 08.40 Fairly Odd Parents 09.00 Hero to Zero 09.30 Watch My Chops 09.45 ChuckleVision 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 SMarteenies 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 11.35 The Phil Silvers Show 12.00 Wildlife on Two 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Big Screen Britain 13.15 FILM: The Black Rose **** 15.10 Garden Invaders 15.40 Escape to the Country 16.10 D-Day 60 Beating Retreat 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 18.00 Get a New Life 19.00 TOTP 2 Songs from Bros, Sabrina, 5th Dimension, Honky, Mike and The Mechanics, Andy Gibb and the Thompson Twins.

Fucking hell, they’re scraping the barrel.

19.30 Counties of Wales: Glamorganshire 20.00 Britain Goes Wild with Bill Oddie 21.00 LAPD: Protect and Serve?: This World Documentary about the installation of a new chief of the muchmaligned Los Angeles Police Department in an attempt to make the USA's unofficial murder capital a safer place.

Hmm. It’s the same cunt that made New York a police state...

22.00 That Was the Week We Watched 22.30 Newsnight

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Boohbah 15.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 16.00 Globo Loco 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 I Want That House Revisited 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 Party Election Broadcast Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats.

18.05 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Laurel starts to fear that her relationship with Ashley is lacking in one key ingredient - Bukkake.

19.30 Taffy's War The struggle betweem two men who really want a piece of toffee.

20.00 The Bill Kerry and Cameron track down a clamp crusader. If that was a “camp crusader” I’d suspect Alex had started wearing his superman outfit again.

21.00 Hell's Kitchen 22.00 Poor Little Rich Girls 22.30 ITV News 23.00 D-Day Despatches 23.15 Wales This Week 23.45 Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? Salman Rushdie, Silvio Dante, John Wayne Gacy and Anne of Cleves.

00.15 Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married 00.40 Chris Rea: Hard is the Road 01.05 The District 01.55 1984 Forever 02.45 Strictly Soho 03.10 Cybernet 03.35 Motorsport UK 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 07.20 Binca 07.25 Tomos y Tanc 07.30 Trionglau Bach 07.45 Planed Plant: Mona y Fampir 08.00 Waaa!

08.30 Max N 09.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 09.30 Big Brother 09.55 FILM: Sea Wolves *** 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 A Place in Greece 13.30 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 16.15 Countdown 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 UK's Best Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol Gan y Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol Cymreig 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm A year after the car accident, will Stacey be able to drive her new car? I hope so she can restart her mobile call girl business then.

20.25 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 21.30 Tipyn O Stad 22.00 Big Brother 22.30 D-Day: Time Team Special 23.30 Secret History: D-Day Disaster 00.30 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 01.00 Big Brother Live 03.00 The PJs 03.25 Brazilian Football Championship I’m starting to get mightily frustrated with writing this drivel thank God I’ve only got one more issue after this and I’m free, FREEE GODDAMMIT! Anyhow I must use the rest of my time here to impart nuggets of musical wisdom to you, the humble reader...

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 MechaNick 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Milkshake!

07.35 Peppa Pig 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Make Way for Noddy 08.20 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.50 Franny's Feet 09.05 Aussie Antics 09.10 Oswald 09.25 PB Bear and Friends 09.30 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: The Last Wagon *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Colleen meets the man of her dreams; tall, dark, handsome and a cock like an elephants leg.

18.30 Family Affairs Pete's trial approaches its climax as the judge sends the jury out to consider their verdict with a crate full of dildos.

19.00 five news 19.30 The Treasures of St Petersburg and the Hermitage The final part of a documentary series celebrating the 300th anniversary of the founding of St Petersburg. It focuses on the effects of the 20th century on the great Hermitage Museum which was at the heart of the Bolshevik Revolution.

I’ve been there - it’s huge, beautiful and stuffed to the gills with priceless artifacts - much like an ornately decorated elephant.

20.00 FILM: Beetlejuice Classic. **** 22.00 FILM: Pet Sematary Terrible. ** 00.00 ITU Triathlon

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Inner Spaces 20.00 The Mighty Boosh When animals begin to disappear from the zoo, Howard becomes determined to save the day.

20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 Trauma on Three 21.30 Little Angels 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Who Rules the Roost 23.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 00.00 Trauma on Three 00.30 The Third Degree 01.25 Little Angels 01.55 Who Rules the Roost 02.55 Inner Spaces 03.25 Strictly Come Dancing on Three Right there’s bugger all on BBC3 tonight so I’ll start listing the essential musical picks of TV Andy’s last few weeks: !!!’s new single on Warp, the new album

by The Bees which is top notch summery fun, the Eternal Sunshine...OST, the Modeselektor mix cd from Boomkat [www.boomkat.com] and lots of rare Gescom stuff.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale Simon plans the ultimate commitment to Nicola unaware that he is heading for a fall. Yep, he’s becoming a nullo. For a more interesting evening why not try searching for nullo’s on Google - you might have an enlightening time.

19.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 21.00 Real Crime: Love You to Death The true story of Vanessa Feltz’s husband who foolishly agreed for her to go on top...

22.00 Drew Barrymore... Love Chain Unfortunately there’ll be no kinky bondage scenes.

22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.35 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.35 Jerry Springer 02.15 Late Show with David Letterman 03.00 IRB Rugby World Sevens 03.25 Teleshopping

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 09.30 The Virtual Magician 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 11.00 Malcolm in the Middle 11.30 Futurama 12.00 Fear Factor 13.00 Max Magic 14.00 The Virtual Magician 14.30 Kirsty's Home Videos 15.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 24 A dying Alvers gives Jack enough information to identify the man in control of the virus. At the hotel, the virus takes its first victim - 2 million viewers.

22.00 Cold Case 23.00 TV Years - 1990 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 Yanky Panky 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Extreme Witness 04.20 Hot Love

06.00 Big Brother Live 15.25 Big Brother's Efourum 15.55 Big Brother 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If Jamie's internet fantasies become virtual reality. Ah the folly of internet brides...

18.00 Big Brother Live 19.00 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 19.30 Big Brother Live 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Friends 22.00 Sex and the City Carrie, Charlotte and Miranda accompany Samantha and Richard on a private jet trip to Atlantic City.

There’ll be a reference to the Mile High Club somewhere in there...

22.35 Big Brother's Little Brother .

23.10 Big Brother Live Yet more space to fill as the digital channels become clogged with dire programming in the build up to the summer slump.

Roll on Euro 2004 I say. I fancy the Czech Republic for an outside bet on the title...

As S4C except: 06.10 The Hoobs What happens if you have a key and don't know what it opens? The Hoobs get to grips with the birds and the bees... 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Spider-Man 07.30 Friends 08.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 08.30 Big Brother 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 Will and Grace 10.00 ER 10.55 Third Watch 11.45 Grudge Match Golfing gladiators Tim ‘Ace Man' Davies and ‘Big Top' Ted McIvor compete for the title of World Crazy Golf Champion. Awesome! 12.30 Frasier 13.00 FILM: Sign of the Pagan ** 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Home from Home 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 20.00 No Going 21.00 Human Mutants: The Mystery of Growth 22.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 23.05 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle.

Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year.

Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm.

Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees.

Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 D-Day 60 11.00 Bargain Hunt 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Call My Bluff 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 All or Nothing 16.35 Kerching!

17.00 Short Change 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Connor has to make a decision about his involvement in Maddy's life.

Hasn’t heard of adoption? Scott tries to behave normally at school but is caught masturbating in his locker again. Sindi worries that Toadie's disapperance is all down to her. That’ll be Rocco’s handywork then.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders Alfie tries to get Wilfred to face Nana despite his withered genitalia. The Square comes to the aid of the Ferreiras and Chrissie is in for a shock when she comes face to face with Den's mystery date, Abu Hamza.

20.00 Trauma 20.30 Brassed Off Britain 21.00 Car Wars: Masters of Crime 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Dragon's Eye 23.05 Question Time 00.05 This Week 00.55 FILM: Smokey and the Bandit Legendary. *** 02.30 Sign Zone: Brassed Off Britain 03.00 Sign Zone: Safe

THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50

Friday

Today in your Union

Page 26

May 31 - June 6 2004

derren@myflaps.co.uk

18TH AND FINAL DRINK THE BAR DRY Solus Midday – 2am Various drinks promotions

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle.

Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year.

Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm.

Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees.

Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

Astro Boy BBC1 4.05pm

Danger Within C4 12.50pm

Don’t Blame the Koalas five 9.30am

Ivory Tower five 2.10am

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 D-Day 60 11.00 Bargain Hunt 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Call My Bluff 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 Astro Boy 16.30 Fairly Odd Parents 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 SMart 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Izzy and Karl are trapped in a lift. Jesus, no doubt a steamy session involving ‘lift shafts’ ensues. Steph goes on tour (what? Since when was she an international pop star?) and Gus steps in to look after Max. ‘Look after’? Fnarr.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 19.00 A Question of Sport is never a good option for me in Trivial Pursuit.

19.30 Top of the Pops Appearances by Janet Jackson - yay...get your rank tit out - and Beverley Knight - boo.

20.00 20.00 EastEnders As Dot and Pauline's bickering becomes unbearable, Sonia and Martin are forced to take action.

Fisticuffs all round.

20.30 My Family 21.00 The Lenny Henry Show Special guest Shane Richie. Yay...

21.30 Have I Got News for You 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.30 Fergie & Son 00.00 Sex and the Settee 01.05 FILM: Cinderella Liberty

06.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.35 Bob the Builder 06.45 Little Robots 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.15 There's a Viking in My Bed 07.30 Short Change 07.55 Newsround 08.00 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.15 Bring It On 08.40 Fairly Odd Parents 09.00 Hero to Zero 09.30 Watch My Chops 09.45 ChuckleVision 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 SMarteenies 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 Hoppity Goes to Town 12.15 Big Screen Britain 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 Racing from Epsom 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 18.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.25 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 My Wife and Kids Bah, I hear football-related chat.

19.10 TOTP 2 Songs from Barry Manilow. I watched that Leeza chat show that used to be on five once, and they had Barry Manilow’s illegitimate child come on. Cool.

19.30 Racing: Derby Day Preview 20.00 Gardeners' World 21.00 Art of the Garden 22.00 Porridge Is a good way of describing my life at the moment. Lumpy and grey. Wah! 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland Joining Jools will be Usher, The Killers, Bobby Womack and jazz trio The Bad Plus. Hmm. 00.35 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 01.05 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Wallace in Wales 02.30 Modernist Primitivism

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Tractor Tom 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 16.05 How II 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 I Want That House Revisited 17.30 Building the Dream I win at Trivial Pursuit. But I should really start to get over this, and realise that that’s never going to happen.

18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 19.00 Emmerdale Puzzled by Simon's behaviour, Nicola makes a dangerous assumption, and wears that gimp mask.

19.30 Coronation Street Ashley and Claire share their golden moment with Fred. Egads, what is it with water-sports in Weatherfield?

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Sunita gets her man - but will he measure up? In my experience, probably not.

21.00 Hell's Kitchen Cheer up, James. I’m really sad.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 D-Day Despatches 23.15 Crimefighters UK 23.45 Urdd Eisteddfod 2004 00.20 Weapons of Mass Distraction 00.50 Blank Screen 00.55 Win, Lose or Draw Late 01.25 Blank Screen 01.30 Undeclared 01.55 Blank Screen

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Merfyn 07.30 Tomos y Tanc 07.45 Planed Plant: Mona y Fampir 08.00 Waaa! 08.30 Max N 09.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 09.30 Big Brother 10.00 FILM: Hobson's Choice **** 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 A Place in Greece 13.30 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 Roughly translated, means “don’t watch this tripe unless National Welsh costume turns you on.” 16.15 Countdown 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 UK's Best Friends Oh, I see, it’s random episdoes for the hell of it. Oh great, so there I was, smiling at the thought of its closure, to be presented with it all over again. Yay. 19.00 Porc Peis Bach “This Little Piggy”.

19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol gan Blaid Geidwadol Cymru 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Jac gives Sab some bad news. But I hear they can do great things for premature ejaculation these days.

20.25 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 21.30 Big Brother Something odd is going on - we think there’s an eviction on Monday and Friday. Could they make this programme any worse? I suppose, but I thought Liza Minnelli was busy.

22.00 Big Brother “Life is a cabaret, my friends...”

22.30 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind Gwah squelch squelch. 23.00 Distraction 23.30 Experimental 00.00 Today at the Test

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 MechaNick 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Milkshake!

07.35 Peppa Pig 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Make Way for Noddy 08.20 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.50 Franny's Feet 09.05 Aussie Antics 09.10 Oswald 09.25 PB Bear and Friends 09.30 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Hart to Hart 8: Harts in High Season ** 17.30 five news 18.00 18.00 Home and Away Nick is overwhelmed by his farewell. He expected a sucking-off, at least.

Kane is stunned by an unexpected visitor. But not so stunned he doesn’t get a hard-on. The creep.

18.30 Family Affairs Cheryl agrees to Patrick's plan to lure the stalker. Good thing she had that basque in her drawer.

19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Liberal Democrat 19.30 The World's 20 Best?

Me? 20.30 Great Escapes 21.00 FILM: The Lost Boys Huzzah! Keifer! Corey!

Alex! A wank-fest if there ever was one. *** 22.55 Real Sex is more messy than in porn - well, I’ve never met anyone who likes to lick up their own cum, anyway.

23.55 FILM: Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? No. * 01.25 The Shield 02.10 FILM: Ivory Tower ** 04.00 Short Story Cinema 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Inner Spaces 20.00 The Mighty Boosh A highly illegal boxing match is set up between Killeroo the kangaroo and Howard. Did you see this exact storyline in a Disney cartoon as a child? I did.

20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 Bodies Bollocks shite with Max “I’ve done Mel B up the arse and pulled out her grapes’ Beesely. Sorry, Avid Merrion reference there, but, you know. It’s true.

22.00 EastEnders When news of Wilfred comes, it seems that Nana's is not the only life he's ruined. Oh God, I don’t care.

22.30 Bodies 23.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 00.00 Burn It 00.30 Burn It 01.00 Grease Monkeys 01.30 The Practice 02.10 Trauma on Three 02.40 Trauma on Three 03.10 Inner Spaces 03.40 Strictly Come Dancing on Three Well, I have little to say apart from this is the penultimate GR, and I don’t know how I’ll get...

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Coronation Street 10.30 Emmerdale 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Movies Now 12.00 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Coronation Street 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 17.30 Coronation Street 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 21.00 Peter Andre: Celebrity Chat ‘Celebrity’ - hmm.

21.25 Coronation Street Katy makes a clumsy attempt at a reconciliation, but is thwarted by her long fingernails and gnashing canines.

21.55 Coronation Street 22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.30 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.30 Late Show with David Letterman 02.20 Teleshopping 03.50 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman ...rid of my frustration due to lack of sex-speak and innuendo.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The Virtual Magician 09.30 Fear Factor 11.00 Malcolm in the Middle 11.30 Futurama 12.00 Fear Factor 13.00 Max Magic 14.00 The Virtual Magician 14.30 Kirsty's Home Videos 15.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons After ingesting several Guatemalan peppers during a chilli cook-off, Homer experiences hallucinatory visions. Features the voice of Johnny Cash. Insanity peppers!

20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 Police Stop!

22.05 FILM: Pulp Fiction Much, much better than Kill Bill, I’m telling you, yo. **** 00.55 Las Vegas 01.50 Star Trek: Voyager 02.40 Alias 03.30 Dark Angel 04.55 Cribs ...when it’s gone.

06.00 Big Brother Live 15.25 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 15.55 Big Brother 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Big Brother Live 19.00 Big Brother's Efourum You know that this is a debating forum about BB, don’t you? And are you going to watch it? No, you sure as hell aren’t because I said so.

19.30 Big Brother Live 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 20.30 Friends 21.00 Bollywood Star 22.00 Infamous Fives Series lifting the lid on the dirty underbelly of celebrity. This ‘episode’ was on last week. What, so if it’s not Big Brother or Friends, E4 won’t show it? No wonder we’re turning into a nation of inane twats. Not that I’m a culture vulture or anythng. I just want sex programmes.

22.30 Big Brother Live Oh my God, and this goes on all night.

Tell me this: do you want to watch shitters sleep, or do you want a good boning? Exactly.

As S4C, except: 06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Spider-Man 07.30 Friends 08.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 08.30 Big Brother 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 Will and Grace 10.00 ER 10.50 Third Watch 11.45 Postmodern Pastimes Badge-collecting. How ironic... A parody of modern culture... 12.30 Supporting Acts 12.50 FILM: Danger Within my hairy purse. *** 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Home from Home 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Monster Garage Cross lorries go to be serviced.

Reality TV just gets madder and madder, doesn’t it. 20.30 Friends 21.00 Big Brother 21.30 Will and Grace 22.30 Distraction 23.05 The Osbournes 23.35 Experimental 03.05 Do Over 03.30 King of the Hill Cotton runs amok in Tokyo when rejected by his newfound son. 03.55 The PJs Evil incarnate. 04.20 The PJs 04.50 Can You Live without Your People Carrier? No.

Saturday

May 31 - June 6 2004

Page 27

fishfingers@men.org

David Dickinson

Clifford The Big Red Dog BBC1 6.45am

Rick Stein’s Seafood Lovers Guide BBC2 11.30am

Shane ITV1 1.05am

Film: How to Steal a Million BBC2 4.25pm

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Rick Stein's Seafood Lovers' Guide 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Big Screen Britain 12.55 Talking Movies 13.20 Transit of Venus: Stardate 13.50 French Open Tennis 15.40 Cagney and Lacey 16.25 FILM: How to Steal a Million *** 18.25 The Rise of the Celebrity Class: Desperately Seeking Meaning 19.25 BBC Summer of Opera: The Turn of the Screw 21.15 BBC Summer of Opera: Britten's Children The listings here suggest something about the man Britten which is bit Gary Glitter. I won’t repeat, in case those potentially libellous remarks get in the wrong hands (ie - yours).

22.50 Golf: Celtic Manor Wales Open 23.25 Have I Got News for You 23.55 FILM: Buddy Boy Erotic psychological drama in which a sexually frustrated young man spies on his beautiful neighbour late at night in her bedroom.

After rescuing her from a mugging the two become lovers, but his continued voyeurism and paranoia draws him further into a nightmare he can't control.

YES ** 01.35 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Hitting Targets 02.30 Evaluating Preschool Education 03.00 Uncertain Principles 03.30 Wild Moves 04.00 Finding a Voice 04.30 La Bonne Formule 05.00 What's Right for Children? A good kick up the ass and bed with no supper if they speak out of turn, the ignorant little bundles of fuck! 05.30 The Next Big Thing Flabberfuckers.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 DDay + 60 12.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.00 Formula 3000 13.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 15.45 D-Day + 60 17.05 D-Day Despatches Fivepart series with John Suchet reporting the D-Day News as it could not be told in 1944. Give me a fucking break. Forgive me for raining on the whole 60years-since-D-Day parade, but really, who cares? We’ve all seen Saving Private Ryan and it’s superior pornographic equivalent, we don’t need John freaking Suchet and his clever-clever update-tricks, do you? Grrrr 17.20 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.35 FILM: The Lost World: Jurassic Park ** 20.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.15 Hell's Kitchen 22.15 FILM: Hannibal *** 23.15 ITV News 23.30 FILM: Hannibal The everreliable ITV1, after showing Jurassic Park and The Silence of the Lambs last week, bring us with fistfulls of originality, their respective inferior sequals. This probably won’t come as a surprise, but I’ve still not seen any of the Jurassic Park trilogy. I had the chance to see the first, as my first ever cinema experience, but I chose the absolutely despicable Dennis instead. “Mr Wilson!!!” *** 01.05 Shane 01.30 Blank Screen 01.35 Weapons of Mass Distraction 02.00 Blank Screen 02.05 FILM: Joe's Apartment *** Not to be confused with Joe’s Garage, a quite good Frank Zappa song. 03.20 Blank Screen 03.25 Entertainment Now! 03.50 Blank Screen 03.55 CD:UK 04.45 ITV Nightscreen

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 07.30 F3 on 4 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.55 The Cricket Show 10.25 England's Anthems 11.25 Zero to Hero 12.30 John Updike: American Storyteller 13.30 Channel 4 Racing from Haydock Park and Doncaster 15.05 Water Stories 15.15 Vincent: The Full Story 16.15 Vincent: The Full Story “He was born, he was a crap footballer who couldn’t control his tackle.

He made the first in a long line of near-idental (and also cack) Brit-gangster films and now is one of the most typecast people in Hollywood” That’s pretty much the full story.

17.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 17.30 Eisteddfod yr Urdd Ynys Mon 2004 Children being forced to sing soprano by their overpowering parents and “best looking goat”competition. Such are my experiences of Eisteddfod. Apart from that kissing-the-old-guy stand behind the refreshments tent, that was fun.

21.30 21.30 Tipyn O Stad 22.00 Big Brother 22.30 England's Dream Team 01.45 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 02.15 Big Brother Live 03.15 FILM: Life Is Beautiful Hilarity-in-holocaust drama starring that overexcitable prat who is the only person to ever win best actor at The Oscars to irritate me more than Tom Hanks **** Oh. I’ve since been informed that the “kiss-the-old-guy” stall at the Eisteddfod isn’t something that happens every year, and I was conned. What a jip! I spent the best part of my holiday pocket money on the souvenir video of that!

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Dawson's Creek 10.55 Dawson's Creek 11.50 Milkshake! 11.55 Beast Wars 12.25 Xcalibur 13.00 Zentrix 13.30 Beyblade 14.00 Stepping Up 14.30 The Chart 15.00 D-Day: The Ultimate Conflict 17.00 FILM: Greyfriars Bobby Stupid film about a slobbering bacon tongued dog who loved his owner so much he didnt urinate or defecate on his grave.

Or thereabouts *** 18.40 five news update 18.45 Live International Football: Holland v Republic of Ireland Ruud “Horses rectum” Van Nistlerooy’s troop give Roy’s ramshackle paddy plonkers a good pasting, one predicts.

21.05 five news 21.15 CSI: Miami 22.10 Law and Order 23.10 FILM: The Haunting of Lisa ...Marie Presley. ** 01.00 NHL Ice Hockey: The Stanley Cup, Game 6 04.20 Cold War 05.10 Sons and Daughters Wow, this is the penultimate gair rhydd of the year. Luckily for you, TV Holly and I are carrying on next year to entertain your warming hearts (erm that’s if I have somewhere to live, GET THE FUCKING HINT) so all is not lost, dear readers! I can’t help but look at the advert to the right for the Summer Ball.

How many people in their right mind are going to turn up at 4am? Who’s that desperate as to turn up then? Do they even sell drinks at that time? When’s Peter on? Why haven’t I heard Insania yet? Why isn’t Sufjan Stevens playing?

19.00 Little Angels Top Tips 19.10 EastEnders Revealed 19.40 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 20.45 The Mighty Boosh 21.15 Kingdom Hospital Yum yum, I gave Andy some videos to record (legally!!!) the original series for me, so I won’t be watching this crap 22.00 FILM: Needful Things The TV John house-hunting story. ** 23.55 Bodies Hurley's operations starts to go wrong, a desperate Rob persuades Whitman to intervene. I blame Hugh Grant for the whole thing.

00.55 Spine Chillers 01.25 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 02.30 The Mighty Boosh 03.00 Bodies Blah blah blah hopefully under the new regime next year, this unnecessarily sized gap at the bottom of BBC Three EVERY DAY will be eradicated. Either that, or if over the summer the BBC get their act together and start showing more than the same programs every day. Hey! I’m surprised they aren’t showing Monkey Dust today. Oh sweet beautiful student humour, how I am going to miss thee.

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.40 Quincy, ME 13.40 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

14.55 CD:UK 16.00 IRB Rugby World Sevens Boring sport just with less than the normal amount of people. Load of old cobblers, etc 18.00 The Making of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban 18.30 Peter Andre: Celebrity Chat 19.00 Movies Now 19.15 Hell's Kitchen 21.15 UEFA Stories The story of football's European Championship. This episode looks at the 2000 tournament in Belgium and Holland, which is well worth forgetting about because England were absolutely dire. We beat Germany (just) - I remember that day well, I was getting drunk in the cathedral grounds back home in Winchester. Those, to paraphrase a well known saying, were certainly NOT the days.

22.15 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.15 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 02.15 Teleshopping 03.15 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Tarzan 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons Let it be known that ALL of the above episodes are good.

21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Extremely out of Control 23.00 Very Worst...Sports Disasters 00.00 Angel 00.50 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 02.40 Cops 03.05 America's Dumbest Criminals 03.30 Police Stop!

06.00 Big Brother Live 13.50 Big Brother 14.20 Big Brother 14.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends 17.30 The OC 18.30 The One After They Were Friends 19.00 Friends 19.30 Friends 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Friends 22.00 Friends: After They Were Famous 22.30 Friends I thought this had finished? F U C K O F F. 23.00 Big Brother Live I found the story about the burger van seller taking a whizz front page story a bit weird last week. I mean, it’s all a bit Daily Mail, isn’t it? I bet the majority of students who buy that food have had their hands in all sorts of places prior to slapping it all over the juicy baps on show.

What’s another urine-fresh pair of mitts on their food compared to their own, and the stinking ComePlay skank already there.

Anyway, musical delights. The Killers single, Sufjan Stevens (again), Life Without Buildings covering Prince, Erase Errata, Dizzee Rascal, the Division of Laura Lee, The Boys of Summer.

As S4C except: 06.05 The Trap Door 10.25 T4: Prince's Trust Urban Music Festival: The Dons With Dizzee Rascal, The Streets, Mos Def, Lemar and the mighty Jay-Z. Spot the odd one out.

11.00 T4: Friends 11.30 T4: Friends 12.00 T4: The OC 13.00 T4: As If This week, Asif writes to his penpal, decides he likes Keane, and talks about children’s TV programs with his housemates. 15.05 FILM: The Adventures of Robin Hood YES, And quite rightly with five stars, too.***** 16.55 World War Two: Our Finest Hour? 18.00 30 Minutes 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 American Colossus 21.00 Big Brother 21.30 England's Dream Team 00.45 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 01.20 Big Brother Live 03.15 Off Centre 03.40 Jack and Jill 04.30 The Chris Isaak Show Chris's ex posts a picture of his backside on the web. Priceless 05.15 Countdown Wow, it’s Thursday now. By the time you read this, it will have started. Aaah what a time-crisis I’m living. Actually I’m not, I’m space-filling.

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle.

Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year.

Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm.

Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees.

Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30

Today in your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Metalheads 07.15 Super Duper Sumos 07.35 Arthur 08.05 Fairly Odd Parents The types that get dangling when a hotel window comes acalling. 08.30 The Saturday Show 10.00 The Mysti Show 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 16.55 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.15 Just for Laughs 17.45 I'd Do Anything 18.25 Strictly Come Dancing 19.40 The National Lottery: In It to Win It 20.25 Casualty 21.15 Dalziel and Pascoe Chalk-and-cheese middleaged cop show claptrap that people like my parents watch avidly. My sister used to have a “thing” for whichever one out of D and P is the young “Robson Green througha mangle” one.

22.45 BBC News; Weather 23.05 Match of the Day: England v Iceland The best way to warm up for Euro 2004, as anyone knows, is to play a halfbaked team of non-qualifying hapless choirboy nonces.

Iceland fit the bill neatly, then.

23.55 Derby Day Gambling: the ponce in the posh hat’s choice.

00.15 FILM: A Cry in the Dark The Gary Glitter story. *** 02.10 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 03.10 A Question of Sport A Question of use, more like. 03.40 Top of the Pops Probably with Eamon, or Frankee, or Frankee’s mum, or their dog, or their solicitor, or their next door neighbours version of that Phil Collins-style balladry crap clogging up number 1. 04.10 Joins BBC News 24

COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30

Sunday

Today in your Union

Page 28

May 31 - June 6 2004

imsosorrymum@clooneyslovechain.net

THE TAF DRINK AS U THINK Quiz Free Entry Jugs of Carling, Worthy and Strongbow £6.00

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The countdown to Summer Ball 2004 begins in earnest, with just under 3 weeks to go until the spectacle.

Thousands of tickets have been snapped up over the past couple of months for what promises to be a fabulous end to the academic year.

Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Trevor Nelson and Phixx comprise the bill for the biggest University ball in the UK. The site doors open at 4pm, with live entertainment starting at 7pm.

Students are reminded that the event is strictly black tie, and that there will be walkways provided between marquees.

Tickets are still available from the union, priced at £34.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Top Gear BBC2 8pm

George Clooney..Lovechain Battle Royale

ITV2 Midnight

S4C 2.35am

No Going Back S4C 11.05pm

06.00 Breakfast 08.00 Breakfast with Frost 09.00 DDay 60 11.00 The Politics Show 12.00 EastEnders 13.50 D-Day 60 18.10 Songs of Praise ‘Big’ Huw Edwards sings with D-Day veterans.

18.45 Antiques Roadshow Michael Aspel investigates a ring of some description.

19.30 19.30 BBC News; Weather 20.00 D-Day A recreation and documentary of the events of 60 years ago.

Last I heard, American actors landed at Normandy and kicked some Kraut ass. Yee-har Mr Spielberg.

22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Couldn't Give a XXXX for Last Orders Investigation into why the drinks industry has bypassed laws to allow a new binge culture. I’d watch it, but to be honest I’ll be busy getting tanked on Stella at a city centre establishment. And then fighting.

22.55 D-Day I saw this once on Sesame Street. I think today’s number may well be 22.

23.55 The Sky at Night Gamesmaster Patrick Moore browses Rupert Murdoch’s channels during the twilight hours.

Watch in awe as Patrick rings ‘You’re on Sky Sports’ with his views on Everton’s dismal season. Other highlights include, Pat trying to decipher the parental lock on the late night adult channels, a favourite of his being European Monacle XXX Nightly. He’s not a fan of Animal Planet though, due to an ‘incident’ with a monkey, he didn’t reveal more, or Moore. Geddit!!!!

00.20 FILM: Soylent Green 01.55 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Taz-Mania 07.20 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Escape 12.05 Wildlife on Two 12.35 Sunday Grandstand 12.40 MotoGP: Italy 13.55 Golf: British Amateur Championships 14.55 Hickstead Derby 16.15 French Open Tennis 17.40 FILM: Dragonslayer With Peter MacNicol and Caitlin Clarke. Not a documentary abou the Russian drug cheats, led by goalscorer Radim Edswv as they send Wales flying out of the Euro 2004 play-offs. Poor lambs.

19.25 The Good Life 20.00 Top Gear This week the morn test-drives a Porsche 911. Life isn’t fair. That twat drives luxury sports-car, I get lifts in my Mum’s pink Saxo.

21.00 Football Diaries David James spends some time at an art gallery.

Footballers indulging in a bit of culture rather than alleged rapings and doggings. Shocking.

22.00 Kingdom Hospital 22.40 Golf Final Round from Newport, youknowsit clart.

23.15 15 Storeys High 23.45 FILM: The Hustler With Paul Newman and Jackie Gleason.

02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills in the Community: Raising Funds 03.00 Media Relations 04.00 Enterprising Ideas 05.00 What You Need to Know You may not need to know this, but there isn’t much on BBC2 tonight, so I’ll tell you. Oh fuck it, it’s not that important.

You’re probably not reading this anyway, the only people who do are the proofreaders and me. I tend to highlight my funniest comments and pin them up.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Fingertips 09.35 The Yuk Show 09.55 DDay + 60 - A Service of Remembrance 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 12.30 IRB Rugby World Sevens 13.00 D-Day + 60 13.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.30 DDay: My Father's Story 14.00 Speed Sunday Live 15.00 Speed Sunday: World Rally Championship 16.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 16.15 D-Day + 60 18.30 Urdd Eisteddfod 2004 Coverage of a big ‘yoof’ festival in Anglesey. Urdd indeed.

19.00 Emmerdale Broken hearts and jealousy.

Probably. I used to go to school with Andy Sugden y’know.

19.30 Coronation Street “Comedian” Bradley Walsh joins the Street as Mike’s Cousin, Danny Baldwin. He gets caught in a threesome. A stylish entrance I suppose.

20.00 Heartbeat There’s rats in Aidensfield. Sunday is bath night, so I’ve been missing out on my ‘Beat fix.

21.00 Hell's Kitchen Last day.

Deaton takes time out of his latest coke and hookers binge to watch the last five contestants suffer.

22.30 ITV News 22.45 D-Day in Colour 23.45 D-Day Despatches 00.00 Not Just on Sundays 00.30 IRB Rugby World Sevens 01.30 Motorsport UK 01.55 Building the Dream 02.20 Trisha 03.15 Today with Des and Mel 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.15 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 07.30 Speedway Grand Prix 08.25 Vee-TV 08.55 Friends 09.30 As If 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 World War Two: Our Finest Hour?

14.00 Maniffesto 14.30 In Your Face 14.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 15.45 T4's Popbeach 2004 18.30 Newyddion News.

18.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 20.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol As part of environment week, Huw Llwellyn-Davis visits a Scotish island. Anyone still reading? No. 21.00 Iechyd Da Welsh drama series about an enviromental team. While we’re on the subject, aren’t taxi drivers twats. One wouldn’t pick me up last week, and even went to the extent of turning his available light off as he slowly drove past me. See rant.

21.45 Newyddion News.

22.00 Big Brother 23.05 No Going Back Andie and Marie take over a Tuscan bakery and try to turn it into a guest house. Thrilling. Not as thrilling as the ass-kicking film on at 2.35 am. See below.

00.10 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 00.40 Big Brother Live 02.35 FILM: Battle Royale With Takeshi Kitano and Tatsuya Fujiwara. Futuristic satire as Japanese schoolkids take a ninja sword to the authorities.

Don’t expect any geishas, sushi bars or any of the other lazy Japanese stereotypes I can’t think of as this is ultra-violence done as only the Japanese seem to know how. Why it’s on at this silly hour is beyond me.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Rolie Polie Olie 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Make Way for Noddy 08.15 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.45 Franny's Feet 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.30 Make It Big 11.00 Morris 2274 11.15 Aliens among Us 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Rooted 12.35 Divine Designs 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.50 FILM: The Iron Mistress 15.50 FILM: Secret of the Incas A good breakfast.

17.45 five news and sport 18.05 18.05 FILM: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within This has got James Woods and Donald Sutherland in, odd. Another excellent chapter in the video games to movies genre, following in the footsteps of seminal pieces such as Street Fighter, Tomb Raider and the excellent Mortal Kombat, which almost had Cameron Diaz in. Rambling a bit aren’t I. Noting better to do to be honest, I’m hungover and hungry.

20.00 Crocodile Attack 21.00 FILM: The General's Daughter With Danny Zucko and Madeline Stowe 23.20 World's Wildest Police Videos 00.15 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Simonyan v Pirang 01.05 Major League Baseball: Seattle Mariners v Chicago White Sox 04.30 AMA Motocross 2004: High Point

19.00 Who Rules the Roost To risk correction, I would claim that the ruler of said roost is Warner Bros rooster Foghorn Leghorn. If not him, Top Cat. On a seperate note, do you think Top Cat shops at Top Man? I seriously doubt it, he’s much too cool for that. It’s not easy to pull off a waistcoast, hat and naked bottom half combo you know.

20.00 Strictly Come Dancing 21.00 Bodies Max Beesley squeezes out any drabs of talent through his rectum. Still, beats shagging Mel B. 22.00 Coupling 22.30 Little Angels 22.40 Kingdom Hospital The horrifying past of the hospital is revealed. I’m sure you’d probably find worse stories in most British hospitals. I mean, would you like to have been the midwife on the day Phil Neville was born into this world.

23.25 The Mighty Boosh 23.50 Strictly Come Dancing 00.50 Trauma on Three 01.20 Love for Sale 01.50 Bodies 02.50 Who Rules the Roost or maybe it’s PWC graduate of the year Conall Watson!

09.25 CD:UK 10.30 Emmerdale Omnibus 13.45 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.00 IRB Rugby World Sevens As everyone now loves rugby after England’s triumphs in Oz, ITV are showing these tedious tournaments. If I wanted to see public school boys rubbing up against each other I’d go to the floor of the London Stock Exchange.

20.00 Hell's Kitchen Live Catch Gordon tossing his bacon as he screams at his celebrity food gimps.

21.00 Real Crime: Lady Jane 22.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 23.30 Coronation Street 00.00 George Clooney... Love Chain This is odd, a half hour special on Clooney’s delectable love chain. I bet my mother would like a tug on that particular love chain. Yuk yuk yuk.

00.30 Carmen Electra... Love Chain Now I’m just confused...oh love chain. Oops.

01.00 Jerry Springer 01.50 Sheena 02.40 Teleshopping 04.40 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.00 Trisha

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Flaunt Fab 5 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama Futuristic 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Simpsons: Inside the Actors' Studio 21.00 Very Worst...

22.00 How Gay Are You? 37% 23.00 Time Gentlemen Please Sitcom 23.30 Mile High 00.30 Shock Video 01.00 Roswell: Cover-Ups and Close Encounters 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 02.40 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat

06.00 Big Brother Live 16.00 Britney Spears: Gettin' in the Zone 17.00 Friends 17.30 Faking It USA Thomas Toland swaps Manhattan's courtrooms for the wrestling ring as he tries to become a prowrestler.

18.30 Big Brother's Little Brother 19.30 Bollywood Star 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years Imagine the ferocity of young Clark Kent’s wet dreams. It’d blow holes in the covers, one may need some Kryptonite infused Thora Hird porn.

22.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 23.00 Big Brother Live Thoughts for making Big Brother 19, or whatever series it is now, more interesting: 1) More traps. 2) More cowboys.

3) More Dustin Hoffman. 4) More goats. 5) More Russian Roulette. 6) More Russian women. 7) More blaxploitation.

8) Even more traps. 9) More plumbing. Bodily or otherwise.

Even. Dustin as a cowboy?

06.00 Insektors The Cruds raid the Verygreen's daffodil supply. 08.25 Vee-TV. 08.55 T4: Friends 09.25 T4: Popworld 10.20 T4: Hollyoaks 12.50 T4: Big Brother . 13.25 T4: Big Brother Tepid fucking nonsense.

14.05 T4: Big Brother's Little Brother 15.10 T4: Friends 18.30 The OC 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Very British UFO Hoax 21.00 Big Brother 22.00 FILM: Save the Last Dance Media Monkey Gary says: “watchable for Julia Stiles’ inclusion”. And his word is final. 02.35 Can You Live without... Mum A 25 year old man has his mother taken away for a week to see if he can survive. A tale not disimilar to the kidnapping of my own mother by Eastern Mexican Operatives when I was four years old.03.05 FILM: The Mummy's Shroud 04.35 30 Minutes . 05.05 Countdown Why don’t you return my letters Whiteley? Why?

“

I work really hard at what I do.

”

British runner Katharine Merry, 2004 Cricket team still in top league

Dan Beynon celebrates triathlon success

Back page

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Issue 765 31 May 2004 Sport Editors: David Williams and Riath Al-Samarrai Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

Katharine Merry Page 31

NEXT WEEK - Sport interview AU president Tom Brown

Dan is tri-umphant in BUSA champs

By Laura Chamberlain Cardiff University triathlete Dan Beynon has recently achieved a highly creditable second place in

the BUSA championships in Corsham.

Beynon, a third year Mechanical Engineering student, represents Wales at under-23 level and has

Beynon secures 2nd place “He talks a good game”

Why is the game so beautiful?

By Riath Al-Samarrai

Forty-four minutes into last week’s really driven by homoerotic desire. When FA Cup final, Manchester United supporters of Manchester United’s rivals winger Cristiano Ronaldo headed the used to chant "David Beckham, do you opening goal from a Gary Neville take her up the arse?", their latent jealousy of Mrs Beckham (especially if, as cross.

Forty-five minutes into the match, they suspected, she did indeed regularly he’d stripped off his shirt to show off his experience the joys of having her iconic buff, toned physique and erect nipples. husband’s iconic cock taking her from As the teenage prodigy jubilated half- behind) was barely disguised.

Who can blame them, though? naked, teammate Wes Brown leapt upon him and gave him a big bear hug, revel- Immediately after Saturday’s match, Alex ling in the skin-on-skin physical contact. Ferguson gushed about Cristiano Posing for celebratory photos in the lock- Ronaldo’s "terrific physique" – and he’s er room after their win, what’s most undeniably right. He’s slim, with a torso noticeable is the fact that both Ronaldo which is perfectly, firmly toned; a gorand Eric Djemba-Djemba are caressing geous six-pack and taut, tight pecs hint at levels of fitness which could be useful their teammates’ muscular thighs.

All of which just goes to show the for so much more than football. His huge extent to which homoeroticism thighs are rock-hard from years of trainunderpins the beautiful game. At every ing, and it’s impossible not to imagine level of participation, football is charac- them wrapped around your body – and terised by male bonding rituals; it’s from there, the mind inevitably turns to telling that these always emphasise phys- more graphic fantasies.

We call it the beautiful game, but it’s icality and masculinity in one way or another. In the context of sport, straight not just the game we find beautiful. As men are given free rein to do all the each match progresses, the players get things which they go to such great sweatier and dirtier, and our thoughts get lengths to avoid at other times – hugging, filthier. And ultimately, the resulting tenkissing, touching, rubbing, grinding – sion can only be broken in one way, and they get down to all of these with thoughts of Thierry Henry and Cristiano Ronaldo flowing and melting into each aplomb.

It’s football fandom, though, which is other running through our heads.

THE WINNING SQUAD: Touching each others ’ l e g s

helped steer his country to an impressive second place in the Home Nations championships, losing by just a single point to England.

He will be competing in the British Elite Sprint championships in Llanelli in June and, if successful, he stands a good chance of being picked for the World University Triathlon championships in Mallorca in July.

Being part of the university bursary scheme has been very useful for Beynon, 22.

He has benef ited from help towards travel costs and has had the advantage of weekly sports massages at Talybont sports centre.

Beynon now faces the task of succeeding in the second trial race at Llanelli to ensure a place for the World University championships.

Further competitions include the European under-23 championships in Hungary later this year, which is likely to prove an even tougher test.

He also plans to live in France for a month in the Summer to compete on the European triathlon circuit.

Such an impressive start to the season suggests a promising year for the university’s most successful triathle.

Sport

May 31 2004

Page 31

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Keep on runnin’ EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

By David Williams Sports Editor FOR ANY PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE, any injury can be a major set-back in a quest to find perfection on either track or field.

In the case of 400m Olympic bronze medallist Katharine Merry, set-backs can put serious strains on both their motivation and long term career plans.

As part of the famous Linford

Christie ‘Nuff Respect’ training group based in Cardiff, Merry, who made her Great Britain debut at just 13 years old, has been fighting a continual battle with injuries that have plagued her for nearly three years.

And, as she admits, her problems couldn’t have come at a worse time.

“It’s so important that Britain has a successful Olympics.”

"June 2001 was when it started," said the 29 year-old.

"The Sydney Olympics was great and I was in good shape, then in my second outdoor race I was the fastest in the

world but then I got injured.

"I’ve had two foot operations which is a pain if you want to run but you have to make an effort and overcome them.

"I was sick first, which seems to be a pattern with me. I had a scan on my achilles tendon and it was found to be 30% degenerated with a bone digging into it.

"Since then I’ve had an operation to remove the bone spur and I’ve had my tonsils out.

"I’ve not been very lucky."

The pain of serious injuries, as Merry, nicknamed ‘Christmas’ by coach Christie realises, is not just physical but psychological in its manifestation.

"It’s extremely hard to keep motivated," claims the UWIC based star.

"You see major championships come and go and when you’re the fastest in the world and you see the race won in a slower time than yours, mentally it’s hard to take.

"Because I’ve been there and done it and proved myself I can get there, that’s what keeps me going.

"I had to take a lot of time to think before my second operation in November because I didn’t think I could go through the rehabilitation where you literally have to learn to put one foot in front of the other.

"I’m hanging in there but, for how much longer, if the bad luck continues, I don’t know because it wares away at you."

With a number of top British athletes such as Jonathan Edwards, Colin Jackson and Steve Backley either retiring or coming to the end of their careers, it is becoming increasingly hard for the country’s top competitors to stay at the peak of their form.

The much reported troubles of Merry’s fellow 400m runner Iwan Thomas shows that today’s athletes are constantly running the risk of breaking down.

"We push ourselves so hard that our immune system is always teetering on the edge," admitted Rugby-born Merry.

Katharine Merry Fact file D.O.B. – 21/9/1974 Born – Rugby, Warwickshire Club – Birchfield Harriers Coach – Linford Christie / Ron Roddan Stats – Broke the world record at 200m for 12 year-olds Made her GB U-20 debut at 13 years-old 5 medals at European Junior Championships 1998 – Bronze in 4x400m relay at European Championships 1999 – 5th in World Championships 400m in Seville 2000 – Bronze medal in personal best time at Sydney Olympics Other work – Writer for Daily Telegraph BBC athletics analyst / presenter Numerous television appearances including ‘A Question of Sport’ and ‘They Think It’s All Over’

"Most of us take supplements but there is such a fine line.

"Our coach, Linford, went through his career with very few injuries.

"He was extremely lucky but coaching us now, he finds it hard to deal with our problems because he has never had to deal with it himself."

If Merry’s achilles stays healthy, the Daily Telegraph columnist will be one of the first names on the British team list for the trip to Athens in August.

A third Olympics for Merry, after quarter-final exits in both the 200m and 400m in Atlanta, will re-light the memories of ‘Magic Monday’ as it was labelled in Sydney, where a personal best of 49.72 gave her the bronze behind home favourite Cathy Freeman.

The Birchfield Harrier has fond memories of that night down under.

"I was fully aware at the time that I was involved in something pretty big," said a nostalgic Merry.

"I knew then that I’d never be involved in a race that was as significant and as big an event as that. As soon as we walked into the stadium in single file the crowd erupted.

"It was the best night of my life and went by too quickly. I was honoured to have been in the race but I would have loved to have been in the stands watching it as well.

"Cathy deserved to win because the pressure she was under was immense.

"Years before it she knew she was going to be under pressure. I ran my

“As soon as we walked into the stadium in signle file the crowd erupted.”

fastest time ever and I knew that I couldn’t have done any better."

With the Athens showpiece nearly upon the sporting world, the road to recovery for Katharine Merry is over and hopefully another piece of magic is in store as she tries to put the troubles of the past few years firmly behind her.

Clockwise from top left: Merry finishes 3rd in Sydney, Cathy Freeman receives the acclaim of the crowd, Merry powering out of the blocks and on her lap of honour

Merry on . . . drugs issue With the issue of drugs still in the minds of top athletes, Katharine Merry is understandably sad to see the demise in the ethics of her sport.

“It puts a downer on sport in general and obviously athletics, and puts a shadow over the sport,” she says.

“It’s so damaging. Athletics is an open sport and there are only a few sports that do no notice testing.

“So, some will say that it’s going to throw up more positive tests and more problems because it does test that much more.”

The case of Dwain Chambers, along with others is, according to Merry, devastating for the sport she loves.

“When you get someone as high profile as Dwain actually getting caught for blatantly cheating, it’s so bad for the sport.

The whole situation is very worrying because someone had to tell the testers to test him and what to test for.

“He was a medal contender and I believe he could have won the Olympics.

“But it’s ironic that he was running slower last year than in previous years.”

Drug cheat Chambers

gair rhydd

TRIATHLON SUCCESS

MERRY OLD SOUL

Dan Beynon lands second place at BUSA Championships

gr sport talks to Olympic bronze medallist Katharine Merry See page 31

See page 30

Men’s Cricket 1st XI celebrate as they stay in top flight of BUSA

By James Woodroof Cricket Correspondent BUSA HAVE SENSATIONALLY reversed their decision to relegate Cardiff firsts.

After the Southampton walkover, where there was an absence of umpires, BUSA had threatened the 1st XI with demotion.

They have now opted to change their decision which means Cardiff firsts will still be playing Premier League cricket next season after losing only one match this season.

On the playing side of things, Cardiff seconds ended their season in fourth place, following a 45-run defeat at the hands of Bath.

After two players failed to appear for the journey, nine-man Cardiff were on the back foot before a ball had even been bowled. An inviting lush green wicket persuaded captain Steve Clarke to bowl after winning the toss.

Spinner Ed Jones took a vital caught-and-bowled in the 20th over, leaping full stretch to dismiss the Bath captain for 24.

The support bowlers did their job, restricting Bath to under four an over; but Cardiff had a right to feel cheated after having Bath reeling on 105 for eight, but finished on a daunting 198, thanks to an influential 43 from tail-ender Tom Ullathorne. With only nine batsmen on an increasingly lively pitch, Cardiff had their work cut out.

Openers Clarke and Woodroof rode their luck, but the captain fell in the 10th over, making 199 look like a remote dream.

After the middle order failed to make any sort of lasting impression, Woodroof was joined at the crease by Mark Jenner on 80-4.

The pair looked comfortable, pinching singles here and there, but the run rate was creeping up, reaching eight an over at one point.

The target was still reachable but when Jenner was run out to a direct hit, Woodroof was left stranded with the tail.

He succumbed shortly after for 56, but with Cardiff trapped on 124-7, the game was dead and buried.

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