gair rhydd - Issue 766

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GR GOES BROADSHEET TO CELEBRATE OUR FINAL ISSUE OF THE YEAR

We reminisce on a year of sport and look forward to Euro 2004

p24 - 25

Our guide to all things graduation p11 FREE

JUNE 7 2004

ISSUE 766

free word - EST. 1972

SHORTLISTED FOR DAILY MIRROR BEST STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Cardiff graduates pushed extra mile By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor Cardiff students must scrape five per cent more during assessment than their counterparts at other Welsh colleges, making it easier to graduate from a lower-ranked university. While all other University of Wales colleges have a 35 per cent pass mark, Cardiff students must secure at least 40 per cent. The impact of the higher pass mark is that a student at Cardiff University who averages 39 per cent will not graduate, while a student with 35 per cent at any other University of Wales College will secure a degree. Cardiff University was ranked the 21st best university in last year’s Times Good University Guide. Its nearest neighbours in the league table were UWIC at number 45, followed by Aberystwyth at 49. The Union’s Academic Affairs Officer, Billy Lee, told gair rhydd, "The 35 and 40 per cent discrepancy is an ongoing and controversial debate. "The University’s academic departments are divided on the issue. Numerous surveys have been conducted across the 23 schools to assess staff opinions, and the majority of them wish the pass mark to remain at 40 per cent." The inconsistent marking policy has further ramifications than simply obtaining a degree or not. With Cardiff students needing an extra five per cent, the boundary at which a pass becomes third class honours is also five per cent higher. Mr Lee said, "I know of a student who needed an honours degree to get on a Masters course after graduating from Cardiff. Had she attended another University of Wales institute and achieved her percentage, her application would have been successful." And the merger between Cardiff University and the College of Medicine (UWCM) this summer has led to UWCM students also falling victim to the raised pass mark. Medics and other professions allied to medicine only need 35

per cent to pass, yet this is likely to rise to 40 per cent from September. But students who find themselves hovering on the pass-fail borderline may be comforted by the fact that noone will leave Cardiff University empty-handed. Should a student fail a core module after four attempts, they are not permitted to continue their degree. Instead they receive exit awards - in the form of diplomas or certificates - which recognise their time spent at the University. Despite this procedure being in place, Mr Lee emphasised that only a very small percentage of students fail every year. He defended the University’s pass mark requirement, saying, "It is Cardiff University’s mission statement to be a world class university, so our students should be performing to a high standard. "Yes, at other University of Wales colleges the pass mark is 35 per cent, but with Cardiff topping the league compared to other Welsh institutions it was decided that 40 per cent should be the pass mark." One borderline third year Physics student, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "I’m livid that someone, from say Swansea University, which is lower down the league table than Cardiff, may have a lower average than me and get a degree, while I won’t. "Employers will look at my CV and see I didn’t graduate which is the most important thing about my three years here."

A spokesperson for Cardiff University defended the decision, saying: "Independent government figures show that fewer students leave Cardiff University without a degree than is the case for the average of our comparator institutions. This indicates that Cardiff students are not disadvantaged by the standards which the University sets, and also indicates the University’s commitment to supporting the success of its students. "The module pass mark in all undergraduate programmes in the University of Wales (including Cardiff) is 40 per cent "How such module outcomes are aggregated to produce a final percentage upon which the degree classification is based - varies between institutions and between courses within institutions across the higher education sector. "The University of Wales, through its enabling regulations, allows an unclassified pass degree to be awarded from a minimum of 35 per cent. At Cardiff the level is set at 40 per cent. "However, comparisons between different awards from different institutions are not meaningful or helpful, without consideration of the details of programmes and their stated expectations of students which are made clear at the time of entry into programmes of study. "Students from Cardiff University work hard to earn a worthwhile qualification, the quality of which is highly valued by employers and others."

UNIVERSITY OF WALES RANKINGS

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY GRADUATION RESULTS: CLASS OF 2002-3:

(From The Times Good University Guide)

Cardiff – 21 UWIC – 45 Aberystwyth – 49 Swansea – 50 Bangor – 56 Lampeter – 61 UWCN Newport - 92

1st – 459 (no. of students) 2:1 – 1927 2:2 – 896 3rd – 96 Pass – 46 Fail – 28

Uni of Wales looks forward to strong future - without Cardiff By Peter Bramwell News Editor

A

senior University of Wales official has announced that UW is not a dying institution even though Cardiff University, its biggest member, is set to leave this summer. Anthony Chapman - the man who steps into the shoes of the current Senior Vice Chancellor of UW, Professor Derec Llwyd Morgan, later this year – issued a statement last week, hitting back at suggestions that the UW is on the verge of breaking up. He said, "If it didn’t already exist, then now would be a good time to invent the University of Wales.

"We are living in a climate where collaboration and joined-up thinking is essential in the provision of top quality higher education and where the National Assembly for Wales wants to ensure our academic institutions are at the cutting edge of developments. "The UW is tailor-made to support, represent, encourage and ensure that." He added, "Even when Cardiff leaves, this summer, we will still be, by far, the largest University in Wales and one of the largest in the UK. “Despite going its own way, Cardiff can see the value of retaining a linked status with the University of Wales and significantly, medical students, absorbed through the merger of UW

College of Medicine with Cardiff University will continue to study for a University of Wales degree. “They will do so because they recognise that, in the medical world, the Wales degree is highly regarded and because this will facilitate their collaboration with other parts of UW.” He summarised, “In the past, the argument that you ‘can’t have a university within a university’ has precluded that from happening. And the issue has, in Cardiff’s case, triggered the parting of the ways. “We need to help minimise costs by providing centralised services and we need to encourage true collaboration between departments and disciplines.”

NICK GOMERSALL: Victim of burger-van trader stab-attack

Student knifed outside Union By Peter Bramwell News Editor A student escaped with his life outside the Union last week after a burger-van trader allegedly attempted to stab him in the stomach. In the early hours of Sunday morning Nicholas Gomersall, 22, was left with a slashed arm after fending off a blow to his abdomen by a man wielding a knife on Senghennydd Road. He claims a number of illegal fast-food traders had tracked him down in a van to instigate a reprisal for an earlier incident on Park Place just minutes before. And with the incident coming just two weeks after gair rhydd reported the problem of illegal burger-van traders on Park Place was a time bomb waiting to explode, the worst fears of Union officials are now being fulfilled. The third-year Marine Geography student said, "I left Come Play about 20 minutes before the end and went to get some food from a burger van at the bottom of the union steps. I asked the guy serving what I could get for £2.50, but he replied that the cheapest thing was a hotdog for £3. "So I said ‘well actually you

TARGET AREA: The knife could have hit a vital organ

guys haven’t even got a licence so I’m well within my rights to take this sausage.’ I was pissed off that they are making money out of students and then do things like pissing behind their vans and not washing their hands, so I stole a sausage from the van. "I felt that stealing from them – something I wouldn’t have normally done – was OK because of what they get away with." The man serving is then reported to have come out of his van and grabbed the student’s hat, shouting “this guy is a thief ”. But with the crowd building up at the bottom of the steps, the two men slipped, and then tustled on the floor. They were then pulled apart by bystanders. Nick said, "We then started walking home, but after crossing the bridge on to Sengehydd road, we realised that in the mean time they had packed up and come looking for me. They found us between the Union and the Woodville pub. Two men and a woman, all Asian-looking, jumped out of the van. "I was quite scared but luckily I had some friends with me to back me up. “They were completely abusive. The guy I had tussled with previously came up to me and went to punch me in the stomach, but I managed to block it with my arm. “I realised then though that he had tried to stab me in the belly, but because I managed to block it, he only slashed my arm. "After that they got back in the van and drove off. My arm was dripping with blood. “I was worried that the knife could have transmitted infection to my arm so when I got home I cleaned it with disinfectant." The man was Asian, of medium build, aged around 30, fairly short, with long hair but also balding on top. Keith Owen, Union Bars Manager, has since denounced

the incident as ‘extremely worrying’. He said, "This only goes to prove that the people we are dealing with will go to any lengths to protect their business. “At the end of the day, they hunted a student down and stabbed him for the price of a hot dog – which is about 10p. "Buying from these illegal traders is a risky business as they have a very low tolerance. Students are vulnerable. "The police and council do try to address this issue but their time and resources are limited. The fines that are set should be much higher. Maybe they could get powers to impound their vans or make illegal trading a criminal offence with custodial sentences as punishment." Nick added, "I feel like I had a lucky escape. Students are going to be coming out of the Union in

“At the end of the day, they hunted a student down and stabbed him for the price of a hot dog – which is about 10p”

Keith Owen

high spirits, and it is wrong to react in the manner they did. They are not even licensed. "My advice to other students would be do not use the burger vans. First of all they are ripping us off and secondly they are dangerous. They probably treat us with contempt."

News

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June 7 2004

At

News Icarus Editorial Politics Letters Media Graduate Special Travel TV Listings Competitions Listings Comedy Problem Sport

Photo: Gemma Griffiths

aglance 1 5 6 7 8 10 11 12 16 21 21 22 24

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS Caroline Farwell, AJ Silvers OPINION & EDITORIAL Alys Southwood, AJ Silvers SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop, Will Dean LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB! Leigh Debbage, Sheryl Plant MEDIA Gary Andrews, Bec Storey COMEDY PROBLEM PAGE Matt Hill TRAVEL Tim Clark HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken, David Doyle, Will Talmage DEPUTY SPORTS EDITORS Thon Airs, John Stanton PROOF READERS Kerry-Lynne Doyle CONTRIBUTORS Alison White, Emma Greenhalgh, Matt Wilkins, Sylvia Traganida, Charissa Coulthard, Jennifer Dunkerly, Laura Quinn, Andrew Kowalik, Lily Griffiths, Emily Knightley, Laura Tovey, Catherine Gee, Ben Wright, Jim Rosenthal, Charlotte Cloke, Katherine James, Martyn Cooper

Alex has mentioned most of the Quench editors in last week’s editorial, but I wanted to highlight several people who gave up more than most to gair rhydd. This list is not exhaustive, and in some ways it is unfair to highlight individuals when so much work went into making Quench happen. But Maria, Riath, Gareth, Simeon, Caroline, Rhys, Mat, Mari, Ian, Rob, Jamie, Anthony, James, Tim and Laura: your commitment to Quench and other aspects of gair rhydd are worthy of special mention. I’d like to thank all of the staff who helped gair rhydd during the year, particularly Zoe, Jason and Sally, who all worked with gair rhydd rather than against it. Our printers, Sharmans, deserve special mention because of their seemingly limitless patience when others would simply cancel our print until Monday. Thanks to all of the Sabb team who helped me with gair rhydd over the year, Mike was particularly prolific when I needed copy most. Thanks to Ian for putting up with me when I’m a tired twat, and most of all to Nicola who lives with irritation born out of 30-hour working days like a saint. Thank you so much for this year. Good luck Gary, you’ll make a great editor. Tristan

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

By Alison White Reporter A student, who has admitted plagiarising throughout his degree, plans to sue his university for negligence. Michael Gunn, who has reached the end of his degree course, was told by University of Kent at Canterbury that a routine review of his coursework "has revealed extensive plagiarism from internet sources". The student has virtually no chance of graduating as the English department has so far decided to give "zero" marks to 13 formally assessed essays. Mr Gunn protests that he was unaware that his research methods of cutting and pasting material from the internet without attribution constituted plagiarism. He argues that the university failed to provide proper guidance on acceptable research techniques and that the problem should have been spotted earlier. Michael Gunn told the Times Higher: "I hold my hands up. I did plagiarise. "But I always used the internet - cutting and pasting stuff and matching it with my own points. It’s a technique I’ve used since I started the course. I never dreamed it was a problem." Mr Gunn’s mother, Elaine, said the family was looking for a lawyer. She stated: "It is not about the money. We just don’t want this to happen to others." She said that her son was not proud of what he had done, but the university had to accept some responsibility.

"He has no degree, debts up to his eyeballs and three missing years of his life with nothing to show on his CV. It could not be more disastrous." David Nightingale, the University’s deputy vice-chancellor, said Mr Gunn’s future would not be determined until a final meeting of his examiners next week. News of a scheme, which

“I hold my hands up. I did plagiarise” Michael Gunn exposes plagiarism from essays available on the internet, could potentially help in the early detection of plagiarism. The programme, developed by the Joint Information Systems Committee, checks students’ work against 4.5 billion web pages from more than 800 million websites and against essays submitted previously. The Robert Gordon University in Aberdeen and Edinburgh University are among those testing the plagiarism detection service. Charles Juwah, senior educational development officer at RGU said: "This software contributes effectively in raising students’ awareness of good academic practice of handing in authentic work, sourcing and referencing academic writing correctly and in acknowledging and upholding other people’s moral rights. It is a plagiarism deterrent and gives merit for good practice.”

Swansea students snub compensation offer By David Doyle Deputy News Editor Swansea University has been accused of a "disregard for students" for offering less than five pounds compensation after building work interrupted their revision. Reversing lorries, dust and the sounds of drilling have interrupted revision at Singleton Halls at a time when student stress levels are high. The building work around the halls has been planned since before the start of the 2003/2004 academic year. In a press release the university said that "proposed developments were distributed to students interested in living in halls of residence”. But Swansea NUS contradict this statement. They say: "Students are outraged that a decision was taken not to inform them of the building work before they moved into campus halls and the disturbance from the delayed building work is affecting their study during the exam period." One irate student, who has not been named, said: "We

pay £80 per week for a study bedroom and we can’t study. What sort of a place is this?" The new halls will provide 272 rooms for students. This has led some students to believe that the university is more concerned about increasing numbers for next year than looking after the students who are studying now. One student, who preferred to remain anonymous, said: “In situations like this it makes me really angry. You get reminded that they’re in it to make money.” The student was keen to point out that in other matters “they’re always here to help”.

“We pay £80 per week for a study bedroom and we can’t study? What sort of a place is this?” Anonymous Hannah Quinn, President of Swansea NUS, was keen to emphasise the disparity between the university’s responsibility and the service they are deliver-

On average Cardiff first year students pay £227 per month for accomodation. The cheapest is £135 per month, the most expensive is £323. There are 4273 places in uni-run accomodation. The uni makes approximately £1,000,000 a year from accomodation. ing. "The university is being unreasonable – students are paying full rent for living on a build-

LOCALFOCUS: How long have you been working here? I’ve been here for two years. Before that I was Food and Beverage Manager at the Marriot Hotel – I had a staff of 60. There was a lot of politics and corporate bollocks. You could say I’m overqualified – but this is much less stressful. Do you like students? I used to be one – so I understand them. Does your position enhance your pulling power with students? No. Would it be fair to describe you as a perv and a sex pest? I think so, yeah, but I am in a long-term relationship.

Hannah Quinn: Holding the compensation offered

The

Word

John Collingridge explains why the newspaper industry is digging its own grave

“

The much talked about demise is happening - the newspaper industry is dying. Soon, all that will remain of this once great institution will be a few dusty shorthand pads with indecipherable scribbles and a battered keyboard. The clues are all there. So to buck the current industry trend of dragging papers down to their lowest common denominator, the tabloid, gair rhydd has decided to go big. Aside from the obvious

threats to newspapers – electronic based media like the internet, reader apathy, the instant gratification culture, and celebrity focus – one of the biggest challenges comes from within the industry itself. While the conversion of the Times and the Independent to compact has undoubtedly increased sales figures in the short term - 35,000 to 40,000 extra sales for the Times - it is only a matter of time before the strain starts to tell. Staff at the Independent called it an "expensive experiment". Unable to squeeze stories into the compact, the Times reduces word counts, a move that has concerned editorial staff. It has made hasty moves to cover up resulting embarrassing errors. In one issue the front pages of the broadsheet and compact quoted different figures for the same fact. Albeit not a world-changing mistake, it was still one that revealed telling weaknesses. To iron out the problem, the two teams that work on the different editions are now moving to the same floor. Murdoch’s ruthless ambi-

ing site. They are being treated as if their complaints are totally unjustified." The NUS has also refused the £3,000 compensation offer from the university which would have left students with under five pounds each. This is the latest in a series of complaints from Swansea NUS about the university’s negligent attitude. The trouble began when students arrived to find these halls incomplete back in September. Since then there have been alleged incidents of excessive noise, earth tremors, dust and

Does the job have any particular downside?

tion to boost the Times’ prominence in Britain to become its number-one quality daily is costing its readers dear. the Guardian recently reported on one ploy in Murdoch’s arsenal of ambition to convert readers to the compact: "offering a bonus for retailers who agree not to stock the broadsheet." In the paper's £1 million Scrabble scratchcard game, only compact readers are offered the star prize, with broadsheet devotees having to settle for

All we’re left looking at is a rack of bland tabloid front pages that lead with last night’s ‘Big Brother Lesbo Snog’ £1,000. But in an open letter only months ago, Editor Robert Thomson wrote, "the Times is fully committed to offering both the broadsheet and the compact newspaper to its readers." Advertising is also proving a problem for the papers, as designers are struggling to

fumes, violation of privacy and vibrating buildings. Swansea student Jonathan Heard complained: "It’s not only the noise. All the rooms are being overlooked by the builders so there’s a problem with invasion of privacy." The tension looks set to increase with students "now considering taking the University to court to receive some reduction in their rent." A settlement request has also been offered by the Swansea NUS, but this has been rejected although it is allegedly less than the University

Richard Thompson, Manager

NAME AGE LOCATION

I have to say I’ve never really understood the Welsh. I’m born and bred myself, so I speak from experience. There isn’t a word for ‘xenophobia’ in Welsh – there’s a reason for that. We even hate ourselves. We hate people from Newport, Swansea, from North Wales, from West Wales. We f***ing hate the people in the next street. Who are your catering heroes? Well there’s Jesus for a start, for when he did the loaves and the fish thing. A lot of students could learn from that – cooking on a budget. I’ve got a lot of respect for Gordon Ramsay. He’s a scary f***er, but he gets things done. There aren’t many like him – just look at Jamie Oliver – I reckon I could do him… in a fight. Then you’ve got Rhodes – I bet he uses all the cutlery, do you know what I mean? I reckon I could have

find a way to incorporate the broadsheet ad shapes and sizes into a tabloid edition. the Guardian has categorically stated it will not be making the conversion. "It doesn't translate," said art director Mark Porter. "To create a convincing, authoritative tabloid you can't allow page after page to be dominated by advertising." The Independent’s transition has been smoother, but is also showing cracks. On one hand, only last month it published its final broadsheet edition, while on the other hand its journalists were criticisng "derisory" freelance fees, with more than 200 freelance and staff writers signing a petition. According to NUJ freelance organiser John Toner, Independent freelancers are among the lowest paid in the industry. So while papers try to shore up figures with expensive format conversions, skimping on staff wages means the backbone is crumbling. One letter writer to the Press Gazette – the industry publication that reports on itself – said: "The industry

would be forced to pay if successful legal action was taken. But the University insists that it has behaved adequately. A spokesperson for the university said: "Consultations with Student Union representatives and representatives of the students affected, have been held regularly throughout the year to address the concerns in relation to the work being undertaken." When asked what action would be taken to prevent incidents of this kind occuring again the University supplied no comment.

A SOAPBOX FOR 21 (could be a lie) THE VIEWS OF O’Brien’s, Students’ Union CARDIFF RESIDENTS

Nigella as well, but it would hard for her to fight back when you’re ******* *** up the ****! [unprintable]. Do you care about sandwiches? I am an expert in bread-related products, we make them all fresh - but I’d never eat any of them. I especially hate eggmayo. That is such a girl’s sandwich. It’s only woman who are food-handicapped. They’ll cut out huge swathes of cuisine at a stroke by saying something like, [in a stupid squeaky voice] ‘I don’t eat Chinese’. How can you say that? What are your culinary highs and lows of Cardiff? Well, for a start, there isn’t a decent Mexican restaurant in the whole city. But my highlight would be The Hawaiian on City Road. It’s run by a bunch of Iraqis – the atmosphere is great:

Murdoch’s ruthless ambition to boost the Times’ prominence is costing its readers dear must take responsibility itself for the training of those who are going to ensure its future." Currently, graduates who want to enter journalism are forced to pay up to £5,000 for a year’s NCTJ accredited course. The privilege of informing the people costs dear. After the embarrassment of the Piers Morgan débâcle, even the Mirror’s political stance even appears to have been brushed under the carpet, and the headlines show it: "You’re Nicked!" For last year’s Big Brother, the Mirror had an ‘anti’ BB correspondent. This year with Morgan gone, he’s miraculously become the official Big Brother correspondent. Metro, the London based free newspaper, started its ruthless crusade to gain popularity five years ago, but has just began to seriously hack

you can’t help but have a good time. The food ain’t the best, but that doesn’t really matter. What are plans for the future? I’ll be back next term: angrier and with thicker bread.

PHOTO: Gemma Griffiths

It’s unfortunate that I can’t thank everyone who has helped this year, but space is restricted – this issue is self-indulgent enough as you can tell. Alex, you’ve been a legend this year, frequently more of a co-editor than a deputy. Don’t touch my willy again though. Elaine likewise – the amount of effort you put in to editing and organising our proof-readers on Wednesdays and Fridays goes beyond the call of duty. Many people stand out in the newspaper. The news team has been impressive this year, and all three editors have worked phenomenally well to take the section forward. In my view it’s the jewel in the gair rhydd crown. Sport have matched them move for move. We have the best sports section in the country – they were always game for the allnighters that separate the men from the boys. And Alex. I’m also confident that the new monkeys will do their leader proud next year. The reliability of television eds has been a joy – both in their keenness and their willingness to plaster naked genitalia throughout our ‘respectable’ newspaper. Then there are numerous legands who have never let their standards slip, running their smaller sections like clockwork. Politics, Media, Editorial, Listings, Jobs and Money, Matt’s problem page, Letters, Competitions, Five Minute Fun. In previous years people have often let us down at crucial moments. This year was characterised by absolute commitment to the cause – exemplified particularly by those unheralded heroes, the proof readers. Equally our photo section has improved over the year, and the heads of photography deserve credit for that. Hopefully come award time in the autumn our efforts will translate into some national recognition.

JONAH IN THE WALES: Jonah Lomu in Cardiff promoting his autobiography in Waterstone’s last Tuesday. The ex-New Zealand All Black winger is currently fighting a kidney disease.

Plagiarist to sue

By Jonathan Astle

into the figures of the nationals with its expansion to cities like Birmingham, Manchester and Glasgow. The paper has proved a runaway success with London commuters and the transient 18 to 25 market, and hopes to do so across the country. Published by Associated Newspapers - unsurprisingly the same company that owns the Daily Mail - it offers a watery blend of cherry-picked news. In reducing down both their content and size in an attempt to reach larger numbers, newspapers are adding to their own fate. With arguably only three main broadsheets left, one wonders how long it is before the others follow suit, and all we’re left looking at is a rack of bland tabloid fronts that lead with last night’s Big Brother lesbian snog. Worthy news indeed.

News

June 7 2004

By Emma Greenhalgh Reporter Equipment failure in a final year exam has led a student to claim she was "let down" by the department. The student, reading French, asked not to be named and alleged that the disorganised approach to the French oral exam taken by all students in her year undermined the validity and value of the degree. The exam was scheduled for 9am on May 10 but students were left waiting outside for 10 minutes for their lecturers to arrive. When students were let into the lecture theatre the equipment needed to play the French news reports was discovered to be faulty. The student said: "They should have arrived half an hour early to get everything set up and check that the equipment was working properly." The students were left waiting in the corridor for a further 25 minutes until they were shown into a different lecture theatre - nearly an hour after the exam should have started. The student said: "It was freezing in the new room and it really put you off working." The first roll of the news report was then played before

the new machine also broke. The lecturer went to the European department for help, leaving only the French assistant to supervise the class with no official invigilator present. The student said: "The French assistant did her absolute best to keep everyone quiet and stop anyone from leaving the room but some students took no notice and started swapping answers amongst themselves. "Others walked off to the toilets in groups – obviously to compare answers." Another student, Natalie Lewis, was angry that people were allowed to swap answers, describing the situation as "absolutely scandalous". She said: "[I] couldn’t believe that students were able to cheat at degree level. It’s not what I’ve paid my tuition fees for." The machine was fixed and the exam was re-started from the beginning, meaning the news script was heard a total of four times instead of three although students were told that the mishap would be taken into consideration in the marking. The student told gair rhydd: "The oral exam was one of my strong areas in which I had hoped to bump my marks up. Students who are weaker in this

By John Collingridge News Editor Race equality groups and students across South England and Wales have condemned the decision of a former Cardiff student to stand for the BNP. Michaela MacKenzie, who graduated in 1973 with a degree in English and Philosophy from the then University College Cardiff, is standing for the far right party in the South West England constituency. The former Labour Party parish councillor is now general manager of a Cardiff-based printing company, and lives in Bristol. When she was 22 she was elected for the Labour Party as a councillor but left in the 1970s. "I had a very clear insight into the local Labour Party mentality and decided it was not for me," she told the Bristol Evening Post. Recently embroiled in a bitter war of words with a newspaper after they printed a critical editorial, Ms MacKenzie claimed that the BNP was not a racist or

“I do not have a racist bone in my body. I have coloured friends”

Michaela MacKenzie "fascist" party. She said: "I do not have a racist bone in my body. I have coloured friends but it is the children I worry about. "I am just worried about what sort of life they will have when they are an oppressed minority in their own country." Ms MacKenzie, who was born in Northumberland, said: "The BNP best represents the policies I want to see adopted in this country, not least of which is total withdrawal from the EU. I have a strange aversion to my country being run and dictated to by unelected bureaucrats sitting in Brussels." Despite her aversion to it, the BNP is desperate to have a say in Europe by winning seats in the forthcoming European elections. Ms MacKenzie added, "The

“Other students walked off to the toilet in groups to compare answers”

Disgruntled student A spokesperson for the University said: "This is the first time there has been such an unfortunate and unforeseen technical breakdown of equipment in this exam. "It was handled responsibly and quickly by the staff involved. External examiners have been informed to ensure that no student will be disadvantaged. Procedures for this exam will be reviewed to incorporate technical equipment checks."

By Matt Wilkin Reporter Properties in Cathays and Roath are among the most expensive in Cardiff, a new survey has revealed. The results, compiled by the Principality building society, have confirmed a huge boom in prices across the capital, with particular interest from investors lying in the prime student areas. The survey revealed that the cost of an average house had risen by 27 per cent in the last year, while properties in Cathays put on the market for £150,000 were selling at up to £20,000 above the asking price. According to census figures from 2001, student residents make up 54 per cent of the entire Cathays population, while 52 per cent of households are classed as private rented/rent free. One local resident, who wished to remain anonymous, said "I wouldn’t be surprised if those figures are now much higher. The value of my home has rocketed over the past few years and I think that’s mainly because of the interest from the student market." Branch manager of Allen and Harris estate agents in Albany Road, Vicki Culliford, said that she sells most three bedroom houses in Cathays, Roath and Heath to investors that go on to let them to students.

"Most [investors] have a portfolio of properties, and the ones in those areas generate considerable interest because they’re so close to the academic buildings," she said. "The conditions of the houses vary but they always sell at the asking price, if not well above. The point that Cathays is not a very well maintained area of Cardiff just isn’t relevant because the properties are likely to sell anyway." There are fears that the boom could mark a dead end for those students hoping to purchase homes outright, in a bid to climb the property ladder. Julia Kent, from Knights estate agents in Roath, said that although Cathays and Roath do cater primarily for students, those looking to buy in Cardiff are being "priced out of the market". "There is huge demand for houses in Roath and Cathays because they are the areas students know and like," she said, "but realistically, there are very few places these days, which are considered suitable for first-time buyers anywhere." One student, who is training to be a solicitor in Cardiff next year, said: "It just isn’t possible for me to buy a house in a student area because they cost so much. I’ve had to start looking in St Mellon’s and Splott, which are much further from the centre of town."

BOUGHT UP: a regular sight in Cathays 7,534 full-time students live in Cathays, totalling 10% of the population of Cardiff as a whole. 56% of Cathays’ residents are aged between 20 and 29 years, compared with 17% between 30 and 59 and 6% between 60

BNP, I think, is a democratic party. We do not march, we do not confront and we are observing due process by standing for election." She argued that the BNP had "coloured" voters, and did not hate anyone because of the colour of their skin. Lemar, the Brit Award winner who recently turned down a place at Cardiff to concentrate on his singing

MACKENZIE: far right sympathies career, urged the importance of people using their vote wisely, "It is important that young people get out there and use their vote. The more we sit back and don’t use the vote we’ve been given, the more people with small minds will be elected." Tash Hettihewa, the Union’s Equal Opportunities Officer, said: "Although we have no affiliation to any political party, and believe that everyone has the right to their own political beliefs, we do urge students to take their vote seriously and bear in mind our equal opportunities policy." Ms MacKenzie worked for the BBC for six years after graduating, before entering a publishing career. Her decision to stand for the party that has links with the violent National Front has been met by widespead criticism. BNP Party leader Nick Griffin, a former NF member, currently holds a criminal conviction for inciting racist hatred after a magazine he published, The Rune, denied that the Holocaust happened. Students are reminded to register to vote for the forthcoming June 10 elections. With both council and European elections on the same day, students have more opportunity than ever to use their democratic right and vote.

and 74. 77% are single (15% are married, 3% are divorced). 51% of households are rented or rent free. 28% are ‘employed’ students, while 49% are labelled as ‘economically inactive’.

Tal-y-bont halls to expand Photo: Will Talmage

Former Cardiff English student standing for far right BNP

area will do better, but I won’t gain any advantage in the areas in which I am weak, like the written exam." Natalie Lewis added to this: "When they’re your finals you want everything to go well. “With four years of work you don’t expect anything other than proper organisation, especially when you’re a borderline student." However, the University have rejected these allegations as "not an accurate account" of the exam.

Housing prices soar Photo: Gemma Griffiths

French students ‘let down’ by exam

Page 3

LAYING THE FOUNDATIONS: the University prepares to expand accommodation

By Sylvia Tragenida Tal-y-bont Correspondent Cardiff University’s halls of residence are getting a major revamp in time for the new academic year. A new university hall will welcome freshers in September, with an extension to accommodate 560 students at Tal-y-bont being built next to the existing site. The as-yet-unnamed building will include en suite bathrooms, facilities for the disabled and internet connections. This extension will make Tal-y-bont the biggest site in Cardiff with more than 2,500 students, including new students from the College of Medicine following the merger. University Hall is also getting a facelift this summer, with the Tower Block area being rebuilt with new kitchens and en-suite bathrooms, as well as adding new lifts. The aim is to convert the whole site to self-catering. Other changes include enlarging the reception, moving and refitting the TV lounge, replacing the windows in TyGwyn and Eastwing and moving the site of the gym. The work starts at the end of the semester and will be ready for September. According to Jan Cachia, Assistant Residences Manager, the site will accommodate fewer students but there will be enough room for everyone with the new building in Tal-ybont.

Student injured by UFO at Sasha gig By Will Talmage Deputy News Editor

THE WHEELS OF STEEL: Sasha gets ready to spin

A partygoer in the Union was left requiring stitches to her head last Saturday after superstar DJ Sasha flung one of his records into the crowd. The dance music legend had been booked by promoters Time Flies to play a four hour set in the Great Hall on May 29, although this was subsequently cut short after the incident. Time Flies released an official statement saying: "To clarify what happened, in a moment of frustration with a scratched tune, Sasha launched the disc into the air that resulted in this freak accident where a girl required stitches to her head." This was reiterated by Sasha who posted an official apology on his website: "As you have

probably heard, the record I was playing kept sticking and the third time it happened I just picked up the record and threw it up in the air. "I think it must have hit the

“In a moment of frustration Sasha launched the disc into the air that resulted in this freak accident”

Time Flies overhead bar canopy and gone forward into the crowd, where it unfortunately hit a girl in the crowd."

The explanation continued: "As soon as I realised what had happened I was completely freaked out and couldn’t continue playing. I apologise to the rest of the crowd for cutting my set short but I was too shaken." The girl was initially treated by Union security staff before being taken to the Heath hospital by minibus where she received a number of stitches to her head. One of the revellers, second year history student Chris Martin, said: "We were having a great time right up until Sasha threw the disc into the crowd. The music stopped and he just stormed off. I felt quite pissed off as I’d paid to see Sasha and the night was finished off by a support DJ. Apparently the student sustained no permanent injury and will not be pursuing the matter.

News

Page 4

June 7 2004

Their terms are up and they’re emptying their desks...but did they deliver?

Anna Hodgekiss investigates whether this year’s sabbatical officers lived up to their promises

Merging two huge institutions at the age of 23 is something many can only dream of. But for Union President Finnbarr Graham joining Cardiff University and the University of Wales College of Medicine (UWCM) was the biggest project of his sabbatical term. Alongside this, the President believes he has achieved the majority of his manifesto pledges. Bilingualism was big on the agenda - there are now plans to provide next year’s executive with basic Welsh training - and disciplinary procedures have been streamlined. But with such successes came some less enjoyable moments. "I’ve found certain procedures and organisations within the

Union and NUS very resistant to change at times. There are people who have rained on my parade from a high height during the year which has been very demotivating. "There were admittedly problems with the Student Council [the overarching governing body of Cardiff Students’ Union.] – some of them were inherited but a lack of organisation on our part without a doubt facilitated its speedy downfall. "This year’s team has initiated great changes within this organisation and we’re all still quite good friends. I’d also like to thank the students for the opportunity they’ve given me this year." Destination: postgraduate study.

The raging debate over top-up fees has kept Emma extremely busy over the past year. Responsible for encouraging students to attend the National Demonstration in London was a difficult task, yet turnout was significantly up this year. "Next year there will be a proper campaigns officer, which is really the whole point of student representation in my opinion. I hope I went some way to influencing the decision to have this post too." While some concessions have been made in the controversial funding plans, Emma still believes that the new system will put poorer students off. "But since the white paper was published 18 months ago,

a lot of things have changed for the better. We just have to wait and see what happens in the House of Lords. The former Equal Opps and Welfare officer believes that the toughest part of her year was working with the new sabbatical team. "I’m quite shy and it was hard to let go of the old team, but I love the new guys now!" And the outstanding jobs? "There’s loads of them. I wish I had got more people interested in the website and used it more. But it just wasn’t a priority with everything else going on." Destination: Social work (mental health). "I will miss the Union but I’m looking forward to a change."

Mike Rabjohns’ success story of the year was undoubtedly the relaunch of Wednesday night in the Students’ Union. Attendance at the mid-week event Jive Hive was skeletal at the end of last year. But the relaunch of sports night as Rubber Duck has proved to be hugely successful, selling out every week over both semesters and sending cash streaming back into the Union. The relocation of the summer ball back to Cooper’s Field has also seen ticket sales soar, further good news for the man who will leave with the Union finances "in a far better state than when I arrived." Mike believes the biggest barrier to change in the Union is a lack of feedback from students.

"We try and cater for as many tastes as possible without jeapordising the financial security of the Union. Events such as R&B nights have been tried in the past but they just don’t work. “That’s the worst thing about the job – you want to change things but for all the want of trying you can’t get opinions." But what of his pledge for hot food in the Union? “By the time I started it was out of my hands as the O’Brien’s contract was all but secured.” And extending the now nonexistent loyalty card to all parts of the Union? “I am disappointed with that but it was too financially risky. Maybe next year.” Destination: travelling then employment.

Tash’s year has been one of mixed emotions. While the highs – the sell-out Global Village event to name but one – were very rewarding, the lows – advising dispairing students – were sometimes heartbreaking. "Global Village was my proudest moment. We put so much hard work in and it was a sell-out. "The hardest thing was going through cases with students who needed my help. It was really sad seeing them go through a bad stage when they should have been having such a good time at university." Tash assists with a variety of issues, from accommodation to advising students with disabilities. She admits that some elements

of the manifesto have yet to be implemented, in particular, improving safety on campus. "You dream up so many things you’re going to do and then discover there’s loads of red tape involved. "However, a ‘buddying scheme’ will hopefully be in place before I leave. This should help international students get to grips with Cardiff before all the other freshers flood into the city. "I went into this year knowing I wanted to give something back to the Union and I have. I’ve learnt so much and how to interact with people who need my help." Destination: Employment in Cardiff with a charity organisation or working with the public."

FINNBARR GRAHAM: President

EMMA BEBINGTON: Communications and Community Officer

MIKE RABJOHNS: Finance and Commercial Services Officer

TASH HETTIHEWA: Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer

RAMI GOUSSOUS: Societies and Union Secretary

TRISTAN THOMAS: gair rhydd editor

BILLY LEE: Academic Affairs Officer

TOM BROWN: Athletic Union President

Rami’s year in office has seen the birth of several diverse societies, including Erasmus, Traffic and numerous international clubs. A successful Freshers Fair and AGM also contributed to the achievements he is most proud of this year. His other responsibilities included co-ordinating the sabbatical elections. Rami defended his decision to reduce the number of voting days from the traditional three to two. "It cut costs, the amount of pressure on candidates and disruption to local residents. "In my opinion the elections were done properly and the figures speak for themselves. Regardless of the merger, the turnout was up on last year. But Rami’s term has been

dogged by issues concerning the democracy of the Student Council. Dismal attendance left just a handful of students holding the reigns of power. "Student Council was really hard as not enough people were interested in joining.” And his plans to improve the Union’s night bus service were hindered by problems with minibuses and a lack of qualified drivers. Despite this, two minibuses are outside the Union every night to drive students home and the security car is still in action, patrolling the student village. Destination: "I’m looking for a job as a mechanical engineer. Anyone who can get me one can have 10 per cent of my first month’s salary!"

After a landslide victory in last year’s elections, Tristan is now the editor of the most widely distributed student paper in the UK. gair rhydd returned to its traditional weekly print run in September and was soon shortlisted for Best Student Newspaper at the NUS/Daily Mirror awards. The fortnightly magazine Quench was also launched. "We took on something very ambitious and in the most part it worked. The raw materials and structure are in place - things need fine tuning now." Having fulfilled the majority of his manifesto - the website needs further work - Tristan said, "I’ve proved wrong the people who predicted increased content

would lead to a dip in quality. "gair rhydd is nothing without our volunteers and the team this year pulled together more than expected. Rarely has anyone let us down. “This year has also seen several people get on to elite postgraduate courses, which is indicative of the quality prevalent throughout the publication." He voted the Thursday allnighters putting the paper together as the worst aspect of the job. But with Cardiff students recently voting gair rhydd the best thing about the Union – above Solus and The Taf – the year has ended on a high for Tristan and his army of volunteers. Destination: postgraduate study.

Former IMG Chair Billy has devoted a large amount of his time this year to combating plagiarism - an increasing problem in universities with the growth of the internet. "I’ve been working on a new academic integrity guide, so hopefully there will be fewer cases next year." And while some sabbatical officers are winding down for the year, the summer term is Billy’s busiest time when he represents students accused of cheating in exams and essay plagiarism. His manifesto? As with the rest his colleagues, there were certain promises that time just didn’t permit. His plans for an ‘Idiot’s

Guide’ - explaining academic regulations and issues such as special exam provision - have been shelved until after the merger. “The merger’s been the hardest thing about this year. There’s so many regulations and so many people want different things from the negotiations.” Despite having to sit on over 50 committees, Billy insists "the year has been stressful, but fantastic. "Every day is different and I’m really pleased I went for Academic Affairs Officer – it’s set me in good stead for my teaching career." Destination: Secondary History teaching, "with a bit of sport thrown in".

Tom perceives his biggest achievement this year to be the updating of the AU website, enabling 3,000 members to be contacted and prospective students to view the sporting opportunities available at Cardiff. The AU year got off to a shaky start after the IMG league reached saturation point. Uproar followed as a number of longrunning teams were informed they could not compete. "It’s a shame we couldn’t match supply with demand, but the facilities were severely hindered." And the controversial issue of a rugby funding has rumbled on throughout his term. "Football need to pull together, be constructive and campaign for their own development post. One extra salary isn’t going to break the

bank." In terms of progress, the University has continued to perform well across the board. "Rugby have been promoted to the BUSA premier league and waterpolo, badminton, volleyball and ladies cricket are all very strong teams." In addition to his sabbatical post, Tom has represented Cardiff in the British University ski team. But surely the failure to secure a victory in the long running battle with Swansea in the annual varsity match was disappointing? "It’s a shame we didn’t win, but there was a record crowd this year and it was a cracking event regardless." And there’s always next year… Destination: Complete final year of Business Admin degree

And finally... This year’s news was brought to you by... Office stud Pete will graduate this year with a BA in English Literature. He has been an integral part of the gair rhydd team and will be greatly missed for slogging it out with design. We wish him luck with his PGCE in Exeter and future career as a secondary school English teacher - especially as all the young girls will fancy him.

Peter Bramwell

Anna Hodgekiss

News writer of the year Anna will graduate this year with a BA in English Language. Her devotion to news reporting and punctuation has been exemplary - in between being the bossiest news editor. She is moving to London in September to take up a place on the top postgraduate journalism course at City University. She hopes to work on a national newspaper in the future - and continue her competitiveness with John!

Designer of the year Johnny C will graduate this year with a BA in English Literature. His artistic flair and determination have added that little bit extra to make th news section special. He will stay in Cardiff next year to take up a place on the equally prestigious postgraduate diploma at the journalism school. He hopes to worm his way on to a national newspaper or press agency.

John Collingridge

News Desk 2004 would like to thank Tristan and Alex for their commitment to greatly improving the paper. Also a huge shout to all our contributors this year and next year’s news editors - Will (Wolfgang) Talmage, David (fun house) Doyle, Jonathan (enthusiasm) Astle and Paul (dark horse) Dicken. Thank you very much for being awesome monkeys and good luck next year! We have really enjoyed this year - even with the 4am finishes every Friday.

Opinion

June 7 2004

Page 5

Flying too close to the political flame

Kilroy is here - and he’ll save Blair’s skin

WHAT A BUNCH OF FREAKS

F

OR MONTHS, politicians about immigration. and papers alike have Almost as if they’re been screeching loud and overcompensating for long about the BNP. something, isn’t it? The fascists are on the march, Perhaps for Kilroy’s infamous they say. Don’t vote Nazi, they comment that all Arabs are lecture us. “suicide bombers, limb But this ragbag troupe of amputators and women nutters and thugs in suits have oppressors.� never been a credible far right Despite these outbursts UKIP force. are gaining in popularity. They’re laughable. The Tories are getting rattled. And now the main parties are UKIP claims to attract support beginning to wake up. from “all political parties, and The far right challenge to their from none�. cosy world doesn’t come from But they know just as we do the moronic gay-bashers of the that their party is little more than BNP. an insane asylum for old Tories The real threat lurking on the too crazed to stay in mainstream far right comes from an politics. altogether slicker, cleverer place. If they’re going to take votes It involves a permatanned off anybody, it’s the former chatshow host, a potent Conservatives. cocktail of immigration hysteria The delicious irony is that the and imperial nostalgia, and the Tories created UKIP. simple slogan: “Say NO to For years the Conservatives European Union.� have been peddling myths, scares I’m talking about the UKIP, of and lies about Europe. course. They’ve pandered to tabloid The United Kingdom hysteria, feeding lazy hacks Independence Party looks set to nonsense stories about Brussels become Britain’s fourth largest eurocrats and straight bananas. political party, easily eclipsing They’ve created a monster that the pathetic BNP. now threatens to seriously wound With lead candidate Robert them. “Hate the Arabs� Kilroy-Silk Look at UKIP’s personnel. pounding the streets, and a touch Their founding member was a of glam added by celebrity hag Thatcher-loving History Joan Collins, UKIP is Lecturer who has since ,, storming up the rejoined the Tories. polls. Their current B r i t a i n ’s leader was An occasional feature devoted to newest rightonce a Tory wing party the f*ckups, hypocrisy and outright lies MP. printed by Britain’s Worst Newspaper. is a strange T h e creation. web-site of More news from the frontline in The Spin’s It’s the ongoing war against the evils of paedophilia. t h e i r bastard senior The paper last week plastered itself with child of M E P photos of Emma Watson, who plays Harry populist, N i g e l Potter’s munchkin mate in the new film. “She’s growing up... turning into a teen Thatcherite Fa r a g e europhobia beauty� the Spin leched, while quizzing p r o u d l y a n d her on which adults she fancies and declares: the “romantic scenes� she will gentlemanly, “Nigel was a have in the fourth film. subtly racist c o m mitted Emma is 14. British imperialism. Conservative Scratch beneath its activist from his school polished exterior and you begin days until the overthrow of to find worrying evidence of Margaret Thatcher.� UKIP’s true nature. The UKIP and the Tories are UKIP London Mayoral also linked by an alphabet’s soup candidate Frank Maloney of eurohating clubs. recently refused to campaign in Cabals like the Bruges Group certain areas of the capital, and the Orwellianly-named saying “there are too European Foundation claim many gays there.� hugely overlapping membership Just last week between the two parties. UKIP’s boss in Which makes it all the more Wales was hilarious that they seem intent caught making on destroying each other. disaparaging Before UKIP’s late surge comments about everyone was convinced these “coloured elections would be a disaster people�. for Tony Blair. Your typical Labour was on the ropes over UKIP member Iraq. The Tories were poised to will never miss a reap the rewards. chance to tell you he That was before Kilroy owns two villas in and Joan Collins, and Spain, and is the firestorm of fluent in publicity t h r e e languages. surrounding them. T h e y regularly Now Poll Tax wheel out Mike is being the party’s forced into three or making desperate four black speeches to try to or Asian stop the flood of candidates Tory votes to the to issue dire europhobes. war nings Tony Blair

SPOT

BIG BROTHER really has lost it this time in a big way. Desperate to bounce back after the yawn-o-rama that was Big Brother 4, they’ve stuffed the house with proper loons this time. Trouble is, they’re so freakish they’re actually dull. There’s the mindless, oppositional attention-seeking of “political activist� Kitten, who’s probably set feminism back 20 years just by existing. In a different way the ludicrous Marco is putting on just as much of an act. Stuart, Vanessa and Emma seem genuinely brainless, the poor things. The only likeable ones - the lovely Shell and level-headed immigrant Ahmed - seem bewildered by the insanity. Is it any wonder viewing figures slumped by half after the first night?

must be grinning from ear to ear. Labour won’t do fantastically they still might lose seats. There are still the Lib Dems and a host of others waiting to hoover up anti-war votes. But the widely-predicted Conservative romp to victory is now looking increasingly unlikely. If the UKIP break through in a major way, and take ten or more seats off the Tories, Howard will be finished. Kilroy was once a Labour MP. He looks a bit out of place now, a failed Labour politician in a party of Tory rejects. But he looks like he might be about to do his old colleagues the biggest favour ever. We won’t know until the results are in of course. But if the polls are right, Robert Kilroy-Silk MEP might end up being the man who saves Tony Blair’s job.

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Page 6

Opinion & Editorial rhydd Life in halls can be peachy

June 7 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

By Tristan Thomas gair rhydd Editor

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phenomenal year at gair rhydd was fittingly capped with the news released last Thursday that Cardiff students prefer the 33-year-old paper to any other aspect of the union – including the Taf and Solus. With national recognition coming at the Daily Mirror awards in November, it proved that gair rhydd, and its sister magazine Quench, are currently at the top of their game. The reason for this? The current crop of section editors and sub-editors are the most committed and talented I have worked with during my four years in connection with the newspaper. Regardless of the stylistic changes, gair rhydd would be nothing without the remarkable dedication of its staff. At a time when students are investing more time and money in their degrees, it is enormously gratifying – and a little frightening – that we have a team of about 30 diehards who will willingly give up entire Thursday nights every week for the love of the newspaper. How many sports clubs or societies can boast such commitment? It is this passion to be the best that drives us to go that extra mile even when it’s getting light outside and the early morning cleaners are scraping us apart from filthy scraps of pizza. And yet our volunteers receive

EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

no financial rewards whatsoever. It is my view that many of our editors work harder and improve the union to a much greater degree than some of our much-heralded sabbatical officers. We are arguably the premier student newspaper in the UK now. A university like Cardiff doesn’t deserve such a thing. It is about time people in power began to respect that we are punching above our weight – an effort that drains our energy and damages our degree prospects. If this editorial can raise the profile of those who have given us so much over the last few years, it will have succeeded. I leave gair rhydd in a

“The current crop of editors are the the most committed an talented I have worked with during my four years at gair rhydd” good state for the future but there is room for improvement and, under the incoming editor Gary Andrews, I’m sure it will kick on to better things. Good luck to everyone involved with the paper next year - and for the next decade, for that matter. This proud tradition of Cardiff University continues to excel regardless of the personnel involved. See page 2 for a full list of thanks for 2003/04

By Charissa Coulthard

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efore I came to university, I remember a girl I worked with would crawl into work whenever she was alive enough to do so, half-unconscious from the night before, and recount tales of her drunken university antics. I remember her talking about nights out, the state of the average student kitchen, and how there would come a time when you would fall home in the early hours of the morning and have nothing left to eat but a tin of Tesco value peaches. Strangely quite excited by this thought, I looked forward to what awaited me. However, to be completely honest with my cheesy reflection of my first year at Cardiff, I have to say it took me longer than expected to warm to the whole university thing. Whether it was the realisation of being 200 miles from everything that was familiar – or that it just didn’t live up to my expectations – the whole pressure of it supposedly being the ‘time of your life’ meant that it initially wasn’t. Although the exciting prospect of Freshers’ week (and the Big Brothertype scenario of being thrown into a flat with 10 other random girls) was a fun and promising start, I didn’t

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eah yeah, it don’t mean shit now blah blah you don’t want her back, we get it already. This is about those summer tunes with the ability to shut off our working minds and set up camp in that obscure region of the brain where the broken record setting lives. Constant replay. Unnecessary repeat. When this happens we know we’ve been tangoed by the commercial music industry; we get the feeling that it’s been shoved down our throat. Who’s to blame? Who cares? Music that accompanies our sum-

mers can often be a good thing too, such as when we hang out with friends or take a holiday, in these happy times the good music often creates the summer feeling we remember. I’m happy to let you discover what music makes your experience of this summer even better, but the evil that is the music industry won’t let us do it quietly. I’m wondering now how much more of Eamon’s little ditty I can take, and just what the point of Summer Sunshine by The Corrs is. How terribly commercial. Be that as it may, as students we have the piercing intellect and analytical abilities that allow us to pass judgement over the silly Corrs money spinner. And

“inevitable

side-effects of unwashed clothes and cheap food”

a popular option for around three quarters of my old school), uni really began to grow on me. Gradually the place, the nightlife and the general lifestyle have been something I’ve adapted to and grown to love, and it’s the rare times I’ve chosen to go home that I’ve really noticed how much I’ve got into it and how much it’s affected me. I’m increasingly nocturnal and arrange my daytime schedule around the occasional lecture, frequent powernapping and Neighbours, before spending a most of the night either intoxicated or messing about with my flatmates. Still, I think it’s fair to say that despite my gradual attachment to Cardiff, I haven’t really changed… and am certainly none the wiser. My

culinary skills are the exception: they seem to have grown from nonexistent to dangerous. Still, the challenging prospect of being away from home (and the inevitable side-effects of unwashed clothes and cheap food) has taught me a great deal of useful stuff. I‘ve learned long distance relationships aren’t easy, that chilli powder is not for drinking and that Sunday mornings (and all daylight hours in a weekend) appear to be a mere figment of the world’s imagination. And now, three days before I leave my homely little cell at Uni Hall – while sitting typing away at some unearthly hour of the morning and devouring the contents of a tin of Sainsbury’s economy mandarins – I can finally appreciate everything my workmate used to slur about. The nights out. The atmosphere. The student kitchen. After knowing it’s actually possible to survive the dingy, unhygienic wraps of the ultimate half-star accommodation block I call home, I consider the built-up immunity a guaranteed life insurance. It’s strange: There have been months of endless complaints about the state of our flat, yet now that we’re leaving behind the heavenly scent of blocked showers and the ashes of incinerated fishcakes, everyone’s become incredibly sad and sentimental. I know that when I

return to my little Sussex pad – which in comparison will seem stunningly clean and free from wildlife inhabitants, mould and stickiness – I’ll be greeted with a bit of a shock to the system and my new lifestyle will seem slightly out of place. I’m sure that after the next four months of home rehab (and job searching, money scraping and finally turning 19) I’ll be itching to come back to Cardiff.

Oh, the halcyon days... By Jennifer Dunkerly

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ummer is officially here and months of freedom are only a week away, or are they? I know I should be excited about this much needed break, but I can’t help being nostalgic about the summers past when I look at how I spend them now. Why did the looming summer holidays seem so much better when we were young? Long hot summers full of outdoor adventures seemed to last forever.

Summer sounds By Andrew Kowalik

really settle and by Christmas I was actually considering a few alternative options. However, after rejecting all reserve plans (the last resort being dropping out and starting a family -

there’s another song in the chart by Sam and Mark called The Sun Has Come Your Way. There will be others, specifically generated and force-fed to the masses. And in all this is where we have the problem, our disease; waiting until we catch a song chronically repeating in our minds until we all go mad. Having a song ‘stuck in one’s head’ isn’t always a bad thing. The point at which we notice that it’s happened is when it has gone too far - the fight between the broken record and our delicate sensibilities commences . Yet all of us get to experience that very special time when we find that we are unconsciously humming a chart tune, and then crash suddenly to earth, in sheer revulsion.

School and responsibility was a lifetime away. Everything was so much easier and the end of term was something to be lusted after with great anticipation. We made our own fun (even without the technology of today). Of course we had no mobile phones back then, but we could go out and find our friends. We knew where they’d be and finding them would be half the fun. Everything was much more relaxed. Nobody was able to reach us all day, but nobody minded. We could have as many sweets and fizzy drinks as we could afford, but we never put on any weight

because we were always outside playing. We rode our bikes in large packs, invent games with sticks and the contents of the garage and played rounders in the street. Nowadays I don’t look forward to the summer as much. I work all day (and often nights) to pay off my vast overdraft, hoping I may have enough left over to pay for a week’s fun in the sun. Now we sit in, straining our eyes with Playstations, computer screens and 200 channels of crap. Our money is eaten away by gym membership and mobile phone bills. We sleep in the afternoon (a sure sign of

Gary Andrews’

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ast Christmas my parents brought me a personal organiser. You know the type – flash suede binding, multiple address books and the most intricate diary ever. To this day I have no idea why they decided to buy it. It’s not that I’m particularly disorganised and it sure as hell isn’t because I’ve got a hectic social life, but I just simply can’t use a diary. I’ve just never got the hang on them. To me using a diary is much like juggling. If you have the skills necessary then fine, but if you can’t pick it up in about two days then you might as well give up and I’ve certainly given up on diaries. I just

getting old) and attain excitement only from the alcohol we binge drink in order to forget that we have a shit job to go back to the next day. It’s such a waste. We dealt with freedom, failure, success and responsibility back then and as a result our generation has produced some the best, most intelligent and innovative people. We didn’t get this by lazing around playing computer games or enduring the torture of long hours and unreasonable pay. So let’s learn from the risks we took back then and make this summer one to remember.

ROOM 101

simply can’t put in every life event over the course of the year into a little book. For a start I’m bound to forget half of the events, enter the other half in the wrong month and spill coffee over the pages containing birthdays of assorted friends and relatives so I end up sending a birthday card to my mother when I’ve misread the smudged word ‘Michael’. And let’s not get started on whether I’ll actually remember to use the damn thing or not, let alone remember where I’ve buried it in my room. To be honest it’s far easier for me to use post-it notes, à la Guy Pearce in Memento. While you may all be sympathising with me, you’re probably won-

dering what this has to do with Room 101. The answer is simple. This morning I got up hideously early to get in for a meeting that wasn’t until tomorrow. I only found out about this when I arrived at the venue and wondered where everyone else was. Deep down I am a petty and selfish man and so my reasoning is thus: by banishing diaries all the smug, efficient people who can actually use diaries would be completely lost, therefore,wondering around in the same disorganised vortex as me. This knowledge would just about offset my grumpiness brought about through sleep deprivation and stupidity. Just.

Student Rant Laura Quinn

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he summer weather has kicked in (despite the occasional shower - it’s Wales, be grateful!), exams are pretty much over and all you need now is some good basking in the sun with an ice cold alcoholic beverage… that’s £1.70 minimum please, because cheap drunken student days are coming to an end. Due to government fears that ‘binge drinking’ is a major health risk, a law is being set that states all alcoholic drinks must be £1.70 minimum and no ‘buy one get one free’ offers will be available. However, what makes this worse is that this law is only being tested in Cardiff; so while your friends in Bristol, Plymouth, Tim-buckbloody-too university are getting pissed on a pound a pint, you could well be sitting in watching S4C. Is this fair? It is rumoured that the law is being trialled here because of a recent documentary about alcohol-based violence in Cardiff. However, in respect to students, these rowdy Welsh pissheads dressed up as supermen beating people up are actually the minority of the population. These drunken, violent scenes were f ilmed on a Friday and Saturday night, and we, students as we are, know that Friday and Saturdays are ‘popping down the pub’ nights, not full on ‘havin’ it large in town’ nights. We simply can’t afford it. Soon enough though, in the dark and sober days of the alcohol law, Friday and Saturday night prices are going to become the norm, and we’re all going to be as sober as we’ve ever been! No more cheap nights of pound a pint at Saucy Monkey in Creation; death to 80p doubles at Metro’s - how are we going to survive? Please feel free to cry at this ugly thought… The only conclusion to drinks prices increasing will be to buy cheap alcohol and get as paralytic as possible before heading out, so is this law really going to solve the problem? It seems it could even make it worse as violence will surely increase with more people drunk before the night has even started? The main disappointment is that one of the main attractions of Cardiff is that not only is it a big city but a big, cheap city! For Cardiff to become expensive is to jeopardise its own reputation, and perhaps even push potential newcomers away. All in all this law will affect the whole population of Cardiff, not just students who live for the cheap drinks. What is even sadder is that it may even take away the character, after all what’s a night out without a drunken man in a superman outfit?

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

BB5 gets catty By Lily Griffiths

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his summer Big Brother has returned to us and it’s not a pretty sight… We are being tormented by Big Brother for the fifth time and this year has the most bizarre contestants. A Portuguese "woman" who has had a sex change, two gay men, a lesbian called Kitten and a man in a leopard print thong. Need I say more? When it comes to reality TV these people are far from what most people would consider to be "reality", so defeating the object of the programme’s supposed purpose. They’re an attentionseeking bunch of weirdos who want a doorway to fame. Whether they will get it or not is another matter and if they are lucky enough to become famous, they’ll just be five minute wonders. Does anyone remember Craig from the first series? Exactly. There are annoying people like Jade who will be remembered, but only for their sheer stupidity and big mouth. Kitten, you’re next - but is this really a good way to be remembered? I know I am more than fed up of tacky celebrities who have no talent other than living their "normal" lives: to me that’s not celebrity. All the men are arrogant, especially Victor, who thinks he is in with a chance with Michelle; he even asked her when she was going to ask him out when they got "outside". Well Victor, I think the "un-reality TV" situation has gone to your big fat ego. But Victor isn’t the only one: Jason, aka leopard-print-thong man also has some serious issues. He says, "I am the vainest man I know." Yeah. As if

that’s something to be proud of! What he doesn’t realise is that when he is 50 people will still remember him as the twat in the leopard print thong from Big Brother 5, although I suppose this will be more attention that he gets working as a refuse collector, or should I say bin man? As for the girls, there is Kitten, the not so cute and fluffy lesbian who fought off the security guards to kiss her girlfriend. All’s fair in love and war, but my god woman, you chose to go in there, stop kicking up a fuss! Then there’s the sex-change woman, Nadia, who seems normal. What gets me though is the unethical way she is not telling her housemates. The producers have gone all out for shock factor and they’ve done well in producing a cheap way of entertainment. But despite the irony of sitting on your sofa watching other people on

their sofa, the show does have entertainment value. For the long boring summer days you can always get away into the world of the freaks that are Big Brother, as well as learning something about yourself: ‘thank god I’m normal.’ Also it is interesting to watch people interact, we are all nosy bastards after all. If you’re a Psychology student, even better. Even though Big Brother has been done five times over now it must be good if people keep watching it. You know you’re going to get addicted, especially to this one because it is their weirdness that makes the show so damn interesting. We have reality around us every day, especially as students collectively living together, and to be fair, reality is boring. Big Brother provides that tacky, past-its-sell-by-date edge that helps us escape. What more could you want, eh?

Political Opinion

June 7 2004

Page 3

In focus: the European elections

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he approaching European elections on June 10th present us with the opportunity to decide who will represent Europe’s citizens in the European Parliament for the next five years.

Voting will take place across the EU, including in the ten new accession countries that joined on May 1st earlier this year. In an EU of 25 countries, comprising of 450 million citizens, approximately 338 million people will be eligible to vote, making this month’s European elections the largest ever. Unlike domestic elections, voting for Members of the European Parliament (MEPs) operates using the system of proportional representation. Therefore the number of seats a party wins in the Parliament’s chamber is proportional to the size of their votes. Instead of putting a cross next to a candidate’s name, in European elections we vote for our chosen political party, and they then decide who will represent the party. This is because in the European Parliament, MEPs sit according to their political affiliation, not in national delegations. There are currently seven major political groupings and a small number of non-attached members. The elections will determine all 732 MEPs for the next five years, 78 of whom will represent the UK. The UK is then divided into 12 European electoral regions, each represented by a certain number of MEPs depending on the size of its population. Wales holds four seats in the Parliament’s chamber, and the surrounding boxes offer an insight into the parties running in Wales. The British National Party The BNP argue that they are ‘the only party that can make a difference’ and they maintain that 2004 will be the year that the party ‘moves into overdrive’. On matters of Europe, the BNP call for a return to British independence and complete withdrawal from the European Union. The party oppose the Single European Currency, yet maintain that Britain should be free to trade and cooperate with its European neighbours whenever it is mutually beneficial. The BNP see political integration within the EU as equal to forcing the country into ‘a political and economic straitjacket’. The party instead propose a policy of greater national self-reliance and independence. It aims to strengthen Britain’s trading ties with the wider world, beyond the EU. The BNP’s nationalist focus promotes the preservation of the British homeland and identity, preventing immigration and turning attentions to the needs of British citizen. The Christian Democratic Party The Christian Democratic Party comes under the umbrella of Operation Christian Vote, which is itself fielding candidates in Scotland. The party is

only fielding candidates in Wales. The Christian Democratic Party calls for a ‘Europe that cooperates actively with all continents’ and promotes global-equality, welfare, democracy, social justice, individual freedom and solidarity in all member states. They emphasize the principle of subsidiarity meaning that decisions should be taken as close to the citizens as possible. They also maintain that the power of the European parliament should not be increased at the expense of national parliaments. It will be calling for the outlawing of abortions and human embryo research. It values the relationship between a man and a woman in the "covenant of marriage, over and above any other domestic arrangement". The Conservative Party The Conservative Party manifesto for the European elections is ‘In Europe, not run by Europe’. They are against the European constitution, believing that it is both unnecessary and detrimental for Britain and Europe. The party is committed to abolishing 25% of existing EU regulations and introducing ‘sunset clauses’ in new laws. The Tories are also against a single European foreign policy and maintain that

all defence initiatives should be carried out within the framework of NATO. They believe that the EU needs to become more flexible to meet the challenges of the 21st Century and this should be done through modernisation and increased flexibility. The Conservatives say that though Europe, ‘we should not try to push every nation into a straitjacket of uniformity’, and instead, diversity should be respected in a growing Europe: ‘We believe in a Europe that does not demand the sacrifice of independence as the price of participation’. Forward Wales Forward Wales is a socialist party fighting for a socialist Europe. According to their website, ‘The European Union is an exclusive club run in the interests of the EU's ruling classes - a bosses' Europe’. It claims that the union is promoting ‘the 'liberalisation' of trade, cuts in the welfare state, and racist immigration laws’. With a focus on the rights and struggles of workers across Europe, the party seek to promote a democratic and socialist union, removed from the capitalist influences of multinational corporations and the interests of businesses. Having rejected a class approach, the party has opted to concentrate on Welsh identity under the banner "Forward Wales", positioning itself at the ‘centre-left’ of Welsh politics. The Green Party Policies of the Green Party include sustainability, environmental wisdom, radical democracy, social justice, non-violence and egalitarianism. Their stance firmly based upon their anti-war status, as they now claim to be the only party to have consistently opposed the US-led invasion of Iraq. The party opposed the single European currency, describing it as a fundamentally anti-democratic project’. The party aim to develop ‘decentralized, participative systems that encourage individuals to control the decisions which affect their own lives’. The Green Party proposes that the EU should operate "fair

trade not free trade" policies, designed to strengthen the economies of developing countries. In addition, the Greens claim to be at the forefront of European efforts to ban GM foods and promote sustainable alternatives to fossil fuels and nuclear energy. The Labour Party The Labour Party promotes Britain’s full engagement with the European Union. It aims to ensure that the country continues to integrate and exist as an active partner within the community. Labour believes that Britain counts in Europe and has a central role in shaping its future direction. Equally, the party maintains that the EU matters to Britain, allowing us to cooperate with other member states and tackle challenges such as terrorism, pollution and the increasing mobility of people and goods in and around the continent. Labour claim that it is in Britain’s vital national interest to play a leading role in Europe, and that withdrawal would be a ‘disaster’ for the country. It has support for British membership of the single currency, providing it is in our interests. In the European Parliament, Labour vows to continue the fight against all its forms, to promote workplace rights and to continue with its efforts to improve environmental standards. The Liberal Democrats The Liberal Democrats avow a positive approach to Europe. Claiming to ‘tell it like it is’, the party recognise the value of Britain’s relations with the European continent and see the EU as an enabling and necessary instrument for British success on a global scale. The Lib Dems see the European Union as ‘a way of tackling shared problems, upholding shared values, settling disputes between traditionally fractious neighbours and applying the rule of law to agreements’. The party claim to be committed to improving the EU, in particular reforming the Common Agricultural and Fisheries Policies and maximising Britain’s trade and employ-

ment benefits from the union. They also maintain a policy of preserving fundamental constitutional aspects of British sovereignty, such as Britain sustaining a national veto on issues such as the budget, taxation, military deployments and social security. The Plaid Cymru The Plaid’s European manifesto reads ‘a strong voice for Wales in Europe’. It believes that an independent Wales would be able to win more influence within the EU. The party proposes that the EU should have a written constitution and that there should be a Bill of Rights for Europe. It maintains that Wales should have a strong presence within the Office of the UK Permanent Representation to the EU and that Welsh MPs and MEPs should have the right to attend meetings of the European Committee as non-voting members. The Plaid Cymru believes that the single currency can bring significant benefits for industry and competitiveness. It claims that the ‘EU must become democratic’, with each of the natural communities the nations and historic regions -becoming a basic unit in the process of union integration.

into parliament who represent the interests of the working people. The newborn party claim to reject ‘the Europe of big business’ that ‘lacks basic democracy in its structures’. Repsect promotes the input of resources into social and welfare services, citing problems in the social security system, health and education as evidence of the need for reform. Respect aims to defend to the rights of refugees and asylum seekers, end the occupation of Iraq and replace privatisation with democratic public ownership. It aspires to ‘campaign for a different Europe, a Europe based on need not profit. A Europe which is a clear alternative to global capital, which opposes militarism and war, which is open to the needs of the countries of the South, which defends human rights and human dignity’.

Europe…and as such the only party which represents the views of half of thee British electorate’. The party see the EU as a virtual super state, with every successive EU treaty giving Brussels more and more power. The party is against the proposed EU Constitution, perceiving it as ‘the final nail in the coffin of the democratic nation state’. They believe that the UK should be free to compose its own legislation; laws that are in the interests of Britain and its citizens. It claims that ‘best way of achieving this is for the UK to retain its own sovereign parliament which is elected by the people, not by surrendering our governance to an unelected, bureaucratic federal superstate’.

The UK Independence Party The UKIP declares that they are ‘the only party committed to getting Britain out of

Respect Respect is a new party, formed in January earlier this year as a product of the anti-war movement. Claiming to offer an alternative to the

‘pro-war, pro-privatisation politics’ of the current government, Respect sees the European elections as the opportunity to get politicians

An overview of the European Parliament By Caroline Farwell, Political Editor he European Parliament is one of the fundamental institutions of the European Union. According to the Treaty of Rome it represents ‘the peoples of the States brought together in the European Community’. As an equal partner with the Council of Ministers, the parliament authorises the majority of European laws and is made up of 732 members from the EU’s 25 member states. Through a series of treaties the European Parliament has progressively acquired greater influence and authority within the community. t is the only EU institution that is directly lected and it aims to promote the rights

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and uphold the interests of the EU’s 450 million citizens. Members of the European Parliament have an increasing legislative role in the Union, and issue a large amount of EU law jointly with the Council of the European Union. MEPs also approve the appointment of the European Commission, decide the EU budget with the member states, approve international agreements, supervise spending, question EU Commissioners and national Ministers, and appoint the European Ombudsman. A Tale of Three Cities The operations and workings of the EU are largely concentrated in three European cities. Brussels is often regarded as the unofficial capital of the European Union. It is sometimes looked upon with negativity for matters relating to the EU because it is

the home to many European Union institutions and organisations. The Council of Ministers, the European Commission, the Economic and Social Committee and the Committee of the Regions are all based in Brussels and most European Parliament committee meetings are held in Brussels. Parliament and the MEPs are largely based in Brussels where its specialist committees meet to study proposals for new EU laws. The capital of Belgium is also home to the national representations of the member states, including the UK Permanent Representation to the EU (UKREP), and in addition the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation (NATO) is located in Brussels. Strasbourg is seen as Europe’s parliamentary capital because most European Parliament plenary sessions are held in the city

and the Council of Europe is located there. MEPs spend one week a month in Strasbourg in full plenary session to amend and vote draft legislation and policy. Luxembourg is a well established international banking centre as well as home to a number of EU bodies, including the Courts of Justice and Auditors. The European Investment Bank, the administrative headquarters of the European Parliament and a number of European Commission services are also found in the city. Powers The European Parliament has three principle powers: legislative power, budgetary power and supervisory power. The legislative power of the European Union is based around the procedure of codecision. This process involves a co-legislation between

those in the European Parliament and the Council, and those in the European Commission. Codecision is an essential power of the European Parliament; it enhances its ability to influence European legislation and posi-

“a driving force behind EU policy making” tions the parliament as a driving force behind EU policy making. The procedure of codecision is applied to the free movement of workers, the establishment of the internal market, research and

technological development, the environment, consumer protection, education, culture and health The budgetary authority of the European Parliament is again shared with the Council. The two institutions have the final say on the allocation and expenditure of the annual budget. Examples of such planning include the spending of the budget on less prosperous regions of the EU and the establishment of training schemes to help reduce unemployment. Parliament and the Council consider the European Commission's budgetary proposals in two readings between May and December, between this time the two agree on how much money is to be spent, and on what. Parliament can also reject the budget if it believes that it does not meet the needs of the Union.

The supervisory powers of the European Parliament can broadly be defined as exercising a democratic oversight of all Community activities. To facilitate this supervision the Parliament can set up temporary committees of inquiry, as it has done so on previous occasions such as in the case of mad cow disease, when a Parliament inquiry led to the establishment of a European Veterinary Agency in Ireland. The European Parliament also plays a central role in appointing the European Commission. It approves the appointment of the Commission President, holds confirmation hearings of the nominee Commissioners and subsequently decides whether or not to appoint the Commission. Parliament also has the right to censure the Commission in a 'motion of censure' against the institution.

Emily Knightley on the apathy of British voters

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urnout at the last General Election was only 59%, and estimates indicate that as few as 39% of young people aged 18-24 cast their vote, according to a report published by the Government's Children and Young People's Unit in 2002. So why is it that young people seem to be so disengaged from the democratic institutions and processes of the country? I spoke to a postgraduate student from Cardiff University who is standing in the forthcoming European Parliamentary elections for the Plaid Cymru. I wanted to find out what has inspired her to take an active role in politics and why she thinks other young people should do the same. Gwenllian Lansdown, 24, was brought up in Bangor, North Wales, and went on to study modern languages at Oxford. She then came back to Wales to do a Masters in

Political Thought at Cardiff University, followed by a period of working in the European Parliament before returning to do a PhD. She is now in her second year, looking at the politics of identity in Wales with particular emphasis on the nationalism of Plaid Cymru. She will stand this June in the European Parliamentary elections as a candidate for Plaid Cymru. Of her choice of party Gwenllian says; "It feels like the right place for those who believe in social justice and are committed to seeing democracy flourish in Wales". It is true to say that image and perception play a big part in politics, especially for young people. The stereotype of the old, white male in a suit is very much alive. This idea may well be far removed from society, although it may accurately represent the reality of the political scene. Indeed the average age of a politician in England and Wales is 57, with only 14% under 45. But this perception or

even reality is not going to change unless minorities, women and young people start to take an active role in their community and politics. This is precisely what Gwenllian has done as a 24 year-old female student. She is breaking the mould and hopes that she will encourage young people to see politics in a different light and understand the needs and problems facing young people in Wales and across the EU. She

“it is naive to think that we can just ignore it ”

feels that she will be "representing the constituency of young people". So why should we take any notice of what goes on in the European Parliament and the other institutions of the European Union? Well, says

Gwenllian, for a start we now have the opportunity to study and work abroad, and to cross borders and boundaries that were closed 60 years ago, even less than that when one considers the new members of the Union in Eastern Europe. The EU has helped to foster an understanding between people who might otherwise have been enemies, something which Gwenllian would like to see strengthened. The Union is important too for those issues which can only be dealt with on a higher level than in national governments. The environment and the introduction of GM foods being just two such issues which governments find it hard to deal with on their own. So much legislation that has direct bearing at a national and local level now comes from the EU and it is naïve to think that we can just ignore it. For Gwenllian it is the responsibility of all of the electorate to take an active part in their community, be that at

local, national or European level. There is a tendency in Britain to take things for granted, an attitude that some may affectionately refer to as 'laissez-faire' but that is actually arrogant and thoughtless. The rights which we in Wales and the rest of the UK have today should be cherished as we remember that not so long ago people fought for women and others to get the vote and that even today in some countries people are not allowed to vote because of their race or colour. The same is true of the European Union. It is difficult for those of us in the 18-24 age bracket to understand what it is like to live with the threat of war and as result often take for granted what our grandparents couldn't and what opportunities the EU has offered us. Gwenllian is quick to point out that in standing she does not want to defend the Union, but Wales and those who live here. Wales arguably has no direct voice in Europe as it is repre-

sented in the Council of Ministers by members of the Parliament in Westminster. Other small countries of a simi-

“doing

nothing on a practical level ”

lar size to Wales with a population of about 3 million have considerably more MEPs. Wales has just 4 MEPs whilst Latvia and Lithuania, with similar populations, have 8 and 12 respectively and even Malta, Cyprus and Luxembourg, with populations of less than a million, have 5/6 MEPs each. As a result Gwenllian believes that there needs to be a dynamic team within the European Parliament to fight for the people of Wales. Young people are interested in what’s going on around them and having their voice heard on issues which are important to

them, as was demonstrated in March last year when students and school children gathered outside Downing Street following a call from US students to protest for peace. Pupils and students not only joined but even led anti-war protests. This desire to have their voices heard and to affect political decisions needs to be taken advantage of by the politicians and channelled so that these young people take their opinions to the ballot box as well as to the street. We need to understand that by putting a cross in a box we can and are making a difference. We are often quick to complain about the government and other institutions whilst doing nothing on a practical level about our complaints. The European Parliamentary elections will take place in the UK on Thursday June 10th this year; so whichever party you decide to vote for make sure you make your vote count. Do something about your complaints.

Letters

Page 8

An official response from LGBT

The gair rhydd letters page This year, the Letters Page has been used as a battle ground for many of you with extreme and conflicting opinions. This week is no different. As noted by the Letter of the Week, last issues scathing remarks about the inadequacies of the LGBT society were bound to be highly controversial. Letters Desk has received many responses to the comments and although it has not been possible to print all of them due to space restrictions, I have aimed to offer a selection of our readers opinions. Letters Desk would like to apologies to any individual who was offended by the inclusion of last week’s letter; the decision to publish it was not a deliberate attempt to insult. It was included because it highlighted concerns about a University-backed society; the huge response this week is perhaps indicative of how wide spread these anxieties are. While Letters Desk regrets the fact that the letter has upset the LGBT, it is hoped that they will now be able to address these concerns to ensure that all their members are satisfied with the services provided. LGBT is an extremely important society within the University and gair rhydd would like to think that anything that promotes awareness and the welfare of a minority group is a very positive thing. It must also be remembered that the Letters Page is the voice of the students, not of gair rhydd, so we are reluctant to edit unless absolutely vital.

In light of the issue dominating letters Desk, Letter of the Week has been chosen because it debates both sides of the argument Dear gair rhydd, I’m writing this because after last week’s letter it was obvious you were going to get some rather bitchy responses; whilst gay people taking over the letters page provides entertainment for the masses, some real points get lost in the cattiness. So this letter is an open comment to the Cardiff scene. First of all, last week’s letter was out of order. Criticism is fine, but not when accompanied by personal insults. It was rather

late in the year to expect anything constructive to come out of it; if you have complaints they really should have been made earlier. Despite all that, some points were raised that next year’s committee could keep in mind. This year’s LGBT was good at organising social events which many enjoyed, but few outside of those who attended the meetings even heard about them. Those on the committee should be able to enjoy themselves, but only as long as they continue to think about others who maybe not have the same amount of self-confidence as us. You have read some of the letters which have appeared on these pages about gay people. You know how some people (‘friends’, family, housemates) have talked, and still talk about you. You know that gay people have suffered verbal and even

physical, attacks in and around Cardiff. Even some members of the committee are not ‘out’ to their families. Can you remember how intimidating it was telling your friends or going into a gay bar for the first time? No straight person can understand that. This is why the LGBT exists. It is supposed to act as support for gay people at Cardiff Uni and a chance for them to meet each other in a non-discriminatory atmosphere. If it does not advertise it’s events and services, or do much to extend its reach beyond those already in it, what purpose does it serve? It is in danger of becoming a society run exclusively for the benefit of its committee and their friends when it is supposed to be substantially more. The "social worker" aspect may be the most boring, the most tragic, but we all go to ‘gay’ events because we get something out of spending time in the company of people for whom sexuality isn’t an issue. The LGBT would not exist otherwise. Make of that what you will. An anonymous gay.

Letter of the Week will receive two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They will be available for collection from the gair rhydd office, on the top floor of the union building.

Text 07791165837

big up to the two secirity on the dancefloor of come play sat 29 they sorted all the trouble with just the two of them. keep up the good work is andy peters still high up in channel 4? this is the only reason i can think of why there are so many gayers in big brother

echo loves narcissus, for putting up with her. come to france with me darling xxx “i cant tell the difference between ur panting and ur vibrating” happy birthday to engsoc captain Stevie - he’s a special boy!...

whats all this defacing of matts page about? who is responsible for this heinous violation of the weekly epiphany that is the problem page? reveal urself

happy birthday to hannah, one of my bestest friends ever and despite rumours, is most definately a lady

so who authorised the black smears on matts problem page? funny how its the only page!

Badgers? dont go there on the lefthand side of the law, haha my bubbles,

i agree with one of last weeks txts about the girl in the union shop. def ‘a babe’! im so lucky shes my girlfriend

house y; thank you for all the wicked times; lets hope they’re not the last Don’t lose contact next year.

no Domonic you are not a vampire,

Dear gair rhydd, We at the LGBT Society Committee felt it necessary to write in response to the 'LGBT is rubbish' letter in last week's gair rhydd. This letter made personal and ill-considered comments about members of the LGBT committee, as well as complaining about the running of the society. We would like to address the issues, which this letter brought up. The comments on the president's inability to organise are unfounded. This year the president has led the committee in the organisation of numerous well-attended events, such as the freshers' party, Christmas party, bowling trips, a Quasar trip, skating at the Winter Wonderland, a trip to the Bay, the Trash party in Seren Las, a weekend trip to Manchester, and our weekly social events on Wednesday nights. Furthermore, we have accomplished this on a severely reduced budget. These financial issues have also affected areas such as publicity. Producing posters is expensive, yet we have ensured there have been at least two posters in all the main university buildings and halls of residence. Due to financial constraints we publicise mostly via email, and new addresses can be added to our mailing list at any time. In response to your comments

Uni staff want to share your experiences Dear gair rhydd, I write as Head of the Directorate of Student Support and Development within the new Cardiff University; a post I will take up from August 1 2004. In your editorial written on May 10 gair rhydd make reference to how much regard is paid by the current Cardiff University to various aspects of student life. Central to the work of the Directorate will be developing an understanding of the ‘experience’ students gain before, during and after their period of study at Cardiff University. If there is a perception that the University is complacent towards the student body and the student ‘experience’ then such perceptions (real or otherwise) must and will be addressed. Cardiff will only progress as a world-class university if all elements of its activities achieve the highest standards. In the coming weeks and months, together with all Directorate staff, I will seek to engage with students to gain a better understanding of their current experiences and expectations for the future. To do this we need to meet with as many elements of the Cardiff student population as possible. To this end, I would welcome your help and that of anybody from the student body who might wish to give their view on how matters relating to the Cardiff student experience currently stand and could be improved. I can be contacted on 029 2074 4115 or at ReesLF@cardiff.ac.uk. Leslie Rees, Director of Student Support & Development (Designate)

More religious shenanigans Dear gair rhydd, I am writing in response to a

SUMMER ACCOMMODATION IN CARDIFF Self -catered accommodation will be available for ALL University Students* between 14 June and 15 September 2004.

From: £7.50 per night

LLETY HAF YNG NGHAERDYDD Bydd llety hunan -arlwyol ar gael i BOB Myfyriwr Prifysgol* rhwng 14 Mehefin a 15 Medi 2004.

O: £7.50 y noson Am wybodaeth bellach cysylltwch â’r S wyddfa Preswylfeydd yn Llys Senghennydd ar:

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students from other UK/European colleges with valid student identification car ds.

concerning the website, it was inactive because of union delays beyond our control until the latter half of the year. Now it is fully functional and gives details of forthcoming events, and contact details if anyone would like to get in touch with us. The letter stated that the meetings are 'daunting' and 'unwelcoming', but we do all we can to welcome people to the society. Many people are apprehensive about coming to the meetings, but we offer a service where we are willing to meet anyone beforehand, and introduce them to other members. We recognise that there is room for improvement, as we are a constantly evolving organisation. However, it is very difficult to improve when issues are raised inappropriately, with the only ostensible aim being to tarnish the reputation of both the society and its members. Moreover, many students have thanked us for providing them with a means of meeting other LGBT people. In addition to what we have done for members of the society, we have also raised money for charity. We hope we have redressed the situation, and if anyone has any problems we have weekly open meetings where formal issues can be raised. As for personal issues, we ask politely that they are worked out in private where they are more appropriate. Yours, LGBT Committee letter written a couple of weeks ago complaining about a Christian bloke in town, ramming the gospel down peoples throats and calling passers by "sinners". Firstly, I totally agree that this was out of order. This is exactly why Christians have the bad image they do of being judgmental and hypocritical. What’s more, it’s a shame that this is the only way some Christians feel they can share their faith. However, while we’re talking about Christianity, I do have to wonder why society is always so ready to attack the Church. Society today says that everybody has to accept everything and everyone’s opinion. If not, you are apparently narrow minded, intolerant and discriminative. Yet, the Church is slagged off so easily for even hinting at having the slightest opinion! The whole point of this multi-cultural country is that we accept each other’s differences and the fact that we are not going to agree on everything, but that it is ok to have opinions. So why be so defensive when it comes to Christians? At the same time, where do we draw the line? At what point are we going to accept paedophilia or murder as just somebody’s opinion that we have to be tolerant of? At some point, there has to be wrong and right. Christians do not claim to be perfect, on the contrary, the Bible says very clearly that we are not to judge because we are all going to get things wrong! However, what Christians are doing is trying to better themselves and trying to better the world; is that such a bad thing? When you stop being so defensive, you realise that Christians just want the best for everybody, It’s just that some go about it the wrong way. People also forget the amazing things that the Church does, not just going to Bongo-Bongo (sic) land on missions, but right here in Cardiff, in rough old St Melons (sic) for example, sorting out messed up kids. I am not saying that non-Christians don’t do good charitable work, I’m just saying, don’t be so judgmental about a group of people who are trying to make a difference. You might say, what’s the point of trying if we are going to keep messing up anyway; we’re just human? But that would be like saying “I’m not going to bother going to university if I only get a 2:1 and not get 100% in everything I do”. Wouldn’t that be daft? Catherine Storry

Hannah fights back... Dear gair rhydd,

For further information please contact the Residences Office at Senghennydd Court on:

* for all undergraduate and postgraduate students, including

June 7 2004

* ar gyfer pob myfyriwr israddedig ac ôl -raddedig, gan gynnwys myfyrwyr o golegau eraill yn y DU/Ewrop sydd â chardiau adnabod myfyrwyr dilys.

I would like to reply to Andy Parsons’ criticisms of my feature about the regulation of

There are those who agree with last issues Letter of the Week... Dear gair rhydd, A round of applause to whoever wrote in last week about the LGBT. It’s about time someone told them they’re a pile of shite! It gave me something to chuckle about. I’m not gonna harp on about it all because I expect the committee will be doing that as I speak, but I do want to say a few things. I signed up at the Freshers' Fair for the LGBT email list and what a waste of time that was. All I get every Tuesday at the last minute is that there will be a ‘meeting’ on Wednesday night. Then the society will plod along to a few bars, normally Henry’s or KX and then end up in Club X. Brilliant. I can organise that; why not put me in charge? Speaking of the meetings, what the hell? I went to a few and all we did was sit there and talk about random crap. Those on the society had their little injokes and didn’t really bother getting to know any of the new faces (unless they were cute!). You walk in to the meeting room and get no response except a few looks and then everyone returns to their private conversations. I totally agree with the letter last week and I am surprised that it hasn’t been said earlier. The events that have been nutritional supplements. Firstly, I would not only be a fool, but also a bad person if I was to condone the practice of prescribing substances without due attention to their contra-indications. I am also not in favour of encouraging people to take overdoses of any kind. However, having done extensive work and research in the field of alternative medicine, I felt the need to point out both the irregularities and inadequecies of the EU directive. Alternative medicine needs regulation, as does any form of medical practice, but not regulation that will put the health of patients at risk because that is not what regulation is for. I put it to Mr Parsons that I have not missed the point, but have a well-informed opinion. Hannah Perry, Features Editor Andy responds: I’m still not certain how the forthcoming legislation will put patients health at risk as this was not clearly explained in your article. To my knowledge the legislation will not inhibit patients treatment or put people at risk as it stands. Your article also did not explain the main need for legislation; to ensure patient safety. If the legislation is fundamentally flawed I will not defend it, but based on the piece which appeared the full facts were not provided to the reader and, therefore, your opinion needed to be questioned. With my letter I simply hoped to balance this out. We obviously come from different sides of the medical profession, however, I’m sure we agree that patient health and safety is foremost in our minds and if this legislation ensures it, that cannot be a bad thing.

... while another Andy bites back. Dear gair rhydd, In response to Andy Bey’s drivel in last week’s gair rhydd, I raise the following final points, as there is no point is going several rounds with such a cretin. 1. This country is, for now, a democracy and, therefore, pleurisy (sic) of ideas should not just be tolerated, but actively encouraged. The reason that politics in this country is dead on its feet is that we have a bland choice of Labour/Lib Dem/Tory, which are really just one party these days. Why do the left wing have to stamp their little feet and try to get the right wing banned? What do they have to fear? The fact that people will actually VOTE for the right wing because it stands for common sense. After all, as the old wartime RAF saying goes, "If there’s no flak, you’re not over the target". 2. I ask the readers of this paper to decide which they would prefer: a) collapse of essential public services because the workers are on

held are few and far between and even when they do come round, they tend to be aimed at the committee and their clique. Once again I agree with the homosexual last week. He was right to say that the society is orientated around the committee and next year it will be the same, as few new people have been elected. It’s just a fucking popularity contest and anybody that is a bit out of the group or doesn’t socialise with them has no chance of being involved. This is disgusting and whoever funds or is in charge of the societies really ought to step in and review the situation. Yours sincerely, 1st year non-clique.

... and those who are showing support for the committee Dear gair rhydd, I would just like to say that as a new member of the LGBT this year, I have not found the society unwelcoming in the slightest. The committee have all been friendly and helpful when I’ve spoken to them, and the events they’ve organised have been great fun and well publicised via email. I have had many very entertaining nights with the LGBT this year, and I’ll be back next year to do it all over again! Rhian strike all the time; a state so regulated that you can’t breathe without having a permit in triplicate, signed in blood by a minor deity; ridiculously high crime because the criminal is really a "victim of society"; and all your hard work going in tax or b) Lower taxes because red tape is removed; crime reduced because punishments are quicker, more severe, and in the case of serious or repeat offenders, death; people expected to work for their money and benefits of State provisions instead of scrounging off the rest of us; efficient public services because the workers are remunerated fairly and have a pride in providing a decent service to the nation; a decent immigration system whereby we only accept immigrants we need; and a free education system that recognises we are not all equal and, therefore, tailors education to aptitude and society’s skill requirement rather than forcing half of the population into paying for a degree which, like Mr Bey’s I’d wager, are not worth the paper they’re written on. That’s what the two sides stand for in essence. 3. Why is it that you couldn’t come back with a decent argument against what I write, instead of making personal attacks? Because you know you don’t have any decent arguments, which is why the communists don’t have any elected representatives ANYWHERE in the UK. People aren’t interested in the fascist rantings of the left wing, and they are increasingly turning to violence and coercion against the right wing that would make Mugabe blush. 4. Who the hell are you to talk about the army? I have friends and ex-comrades out in Iraq, and I can assure you that they use language far stronger than I am allowed to use in this paper to describe its inhabitants. They really don’t want to be risking their lives for them, I can tell you. Why don’t you volunteer to do some humanitarian work out there if you care so much? 5. I didn’t say women shouldn’t be allowed out of the kitchen, nor did I infer it at any point. You must have been smoking a load of LSD-laced dope with your hippy chums when you read it, or else be a complete and utter muppet. 6. The reason I am allowed to write again after my short break, is that I proved that the Union HAS to honour my right to free speech as it is bound by the Human Rights Act as long as I don’t break the law, so the pathetic attempt by John Allen of the Cardiff Labour Students group to silence me was kicked into touch. Face it Bey, no one’s interested in communism and far-left agitation because you’re all a bunch of violent, unwashed, unemployable, nauseating plebs who chat a whole lot of shit. Andrew Caldicott

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Media

Page 10

June 7 2004

Student media grows up They’ve been ever present in Cardiff student media this year but what are they planning to do when the graduate? gair rhydd Media chats to three of the highest profile students. Alex Macpherson gair rhydd deputy editor WHEN ASKED what his overriding memory of his time at gair rhydd has been, Alex Macpherson immediate lyreplies: "Gay porn." But while the deputy editor is infamous around the office for replacing computer desktops with pictures of naked men, he also puts in long hours proofing the paper ruthlessly for spelling and grammatical errors. However, Alex doesn’t regret a moment of his time spent at the paper. "I’ve had an awesome time," he says. "Even when I’ve been really stressed it’s still been enjoyable. "I’ve had great fun and it’s been a great bunch of people to work with." The final year Law and Politics student has also spent the last year overseeing one of the most important developments in the gair rhydd – the launch of the fortnightly entertainment magazine, Quench. Designed from scratch over the summer by Alex and editor Tristan Thomas, the 21year-old views it as his best achievement during his time at the paper. "We’ve basically launched a magazine from scratch," he says. "This time last year there was no Quench. What we’ve done has been to create a magazine that actually works." Alex started off his student journalism career writing reviews for the music section, before moving upwards to coedit the TV listings. When the Students’ Union created an official non-sabbatical post of

gair rhydd deputy editor last year, Alex duly stood and won to become the first incumbent of his current position. "I’ve put in far too much work for this [the paper]," he says, "but I’ve loved doing every minute of this, even at the expense of my degree. "I’m not bothered about sacrificing a grade boundary as I think this is a more worthy thing to have done." After he graduates in the summer Alex plans to move back to London, his place of birth, and take a break from journalism for the time being. "It’s been exhausting and I need to take a break," he says. "No doubt I can get myself back on the media treadmill at some point." Alex has revised his career plans to a certain degree during his time at university. "When I first started gair rhydd I wanted to get involved in music journalism, but I’m not so keen on that any more. "I don’t fancy the idea of being a 30-year-old who is still writing about pop music; I think that’s rather sad, although I’ll still continue to write about music." Despite professing to have no idea what the wants to do after his time in Cardiff, Alex has accumulated an impressive portfolio of work, having written for the Times as well as national magazine Loose Lips Sink Ships and net culture-zine Stylus, so should have little trouble getting back onto the media ladder as and when he finishes taking time out from the profession. Gary Andrews

Karen Sharp Xpress station manager FOR THE past year Karen Sharp has had the stressful, yet rewarding, task of being charge of Xpress Radio, Cardiff University Student Union’s radio station. As overall head of the airwaves, Karen has been in charge of 15 different student heads of department. Karen has been involved in the radio since her first week at university, starting off as one of those members who put in long hours during the broadcasts. In her first year it would not be an understatement to say Karen did just about everything should could around the station, from producing to audio production, to presenting a show with next year’s Media Officer, Gary Andrews. Imaginatively the show was called "Kazza and Gazza" and featured, among other things, Karen’s Italian lessons, where she dished out useful phrases for students heading to Italy, such as “Mia bambino e fredo” (“My baby is cold”).

Didn’t they do well? Alex Macpherson: Shortlisted for arts journalist of the year at the NUS/Daily Mirror Awards 2003; Critic of the Year, Cardiff Student Media Awards 2003. Karen Sharp: Xpress Radio nominated for Radio Station of the Year, Radio 1 Student Radio Awards 2004. Adam Brooks: Best DJ, Best mainstream show, Cardiff University Student Media Awards 2004; Best Show (Priority), Cardiff Student Media Awards, 2003; Best Show (Priority), Radio 1 Student Radio Awards, 2002; Best Specialist Show (The Infirmary), Cardiff Student Media Awards 2002

Alex: Taking some time out in London before getting a job

At the end of the first year Karen was elected by her fellow members to the position of Head of Producers, where she worked with heads of programming, Roop Jones and Vicki Blight, to produce some of the tightest, most

Karen: Has juggled her degree professional broadcasting ever heard on Xpress Radio. Karen took over as station manager back in September 2003 after being voted in as a non-sabbatical officer by the student populace. During her year at Xpress Radio she has been trying to increase the profile of the station through various events, including the two successful FM broadcasts. "We have held as many events as we could, ranging from launching the club night, Climax, to DJing in the back room of Lashtastic each Friday night as well as holding road shows in the union involving lots of local bands." Now it has come to the end her tenure at Xpress Radio and, for Karen, the end of her threeyear degree in Journalism, Film and Broadcasting. It’s time to move on to bigger and better things for Karen and she has some interesting ideas for her first year of freedom after university. "Maybe I’ll become a bungee jump instructor in New Zealand, and then go to Japan to do Tai Chi in the park every morning." Or perhaps her hope to continue in radio is the more sensible, and possibly the more realistic plan? Karen has played a vital role in one of the university’s most respected societies, which was

and Xpress Radio established 10 years ago and is now well known throughout the UK’s student media as an award -winning station. "I hope that I have helped the station evolve over the past year, and to provide a useful and entertaining service for all students. "None of this could have been achieved without the fab team we have at Xpress Radio.” Karen is looking forward to what is to come after university, but is really going to miss everybody that she has worked with so closely over the past three years: "I want to wish the lot of them the best of luck for the future,” she finishes. Bec Storey Adam Brooks Xpress Radio DJ ADAM BROOKS: Cardiff student media extraordinaire, bearer of many an award and nomination and firm favourite of the Xpress and gair rhydd family. Adam has now grown up and is ready to fly the cosy nest of Cardiff University to go off and get a proper job. He has been a media bunny since even before his Cardiff days and music is his passion and poison of choice. With his fingers in many pies such as

talent scouting, reviewing and presenting he looks set to make an impact on the music media world. When he arrived at Cardiff he found a home in Xpress where they taught him all about the technical sides of radio. He says working with the radio can be an ‘uphill struggle’ due to only being on air for two months a year and problems with funding. But, it is all worth the hard work as he has got even more out of Xpress than his Communications degree. Alongside his Xpress work Adam has also been a regular contributor to gair rhydd and Quench. His passion lies in alternative music and his ambition is to get it heard - a worthwhile goal if ever there was one. Well on his way already, Adam is not only Xpress’s head of music but has done work experience on Zane Lowe’s Radio 1 show as well as presenting on Red Dragon FM, who offered him an alternative show, although he turned it down so he could spend some time working on a few side projects and taking time out to relax before finding a job. A job in the media is not an easy one to find, he was recently interviewed for a position with a record label, and there were still 120 candidates. Somehow the

Adam: Leaves univeristy will a full trophy cabinet

Mouthing off in the mornings

Red Dragon’s breakfast presenter, Zoe Hanson, talks to Laura Tovey about grumpy showbiz stars, breaking into the industry and Kylie’s Welsh roots

F

or someone who gets up before five every morning, Zoë Hanson has a lot of energy. One half of the Red Dragon FM breakfast show team, Jase and Zoë, her confident voice greets listeners in South Wales for four hours between 6 and 10am. If you do an arts degree, you’re probably just waking up as her airtime finishes. But if you do a degree that requires the occasional 9am start then take comfort in the fact that when it comes to early mornings, Zoë has it worse. "We’re in for five o’clock. It’s not nice," she tells me as we squeeze in a quick chat between a show and a meeting she has to rush to - when she comes off air at 10am, her working day is far from over. But despite the early start, being tucked up in bed at half past eight is not part of the plan. "I go out all the time, I’m so undisciplined, I’m horrendous. The latest I’ve ever stayed up is half past three. I was a bit late that morning. Don’t put that in though, 'cos my boss will read it." Sorry Zoë. But we've all been there. Well, maybe not late to present a hugely popular flag ship radio show, but you get the idea. So how did she get to where she is? "I started off in Butlins, doing the kid’s entertainment, just on stage, with very few red-coat duties as such, but it was brilliant; I loved it. I did it for about four years and then, I went into children’s touring theatre and sort of toured all around Britain. And I really did

want to tour round Britain. You know how everybody goes for a gap year and everybody goes to Australia, all that? “I wanted to see my own country before I went off and did anything else, and went and saw anywhere else. And it stood me in good stead actually, because when I was over in Europe I was doing PR for the bars and timeshare and all that and all of a sudden you can talk to people from Leeds about a bar that you’ve been into that they know. "I took quite a strange route [to get into radio], but I think the main thing you’ve got to be is determined and pretty damn annoying. You know, got to keep onto them all the time. If you send a demo tape through you’ve got to keep on to them, keep ringing them so they know that you’re there because it’s all about timing. If a job comes up that morning and you ring that morning then maybe you’ve got a shot at it. “The best way at the moment, it seems, is through hospital radio - you’re pretty much grass roots then - and maybe starting off smaller stations. Student radio stations have borne lots of fabulous presenters but hospital radio seems to be the way at the moment, and that’s the way that they’re saying people should go. It’s just be determined, keep on to people and just keep going with it. “Get as much experience as you can, even if it’s coming in to Red Dragon and making some tea, at least you’re there and you can be quite forthcoming when

you’re in making tea, saying, ‘is there anything else I can do?’ It’s all experience." As she dispenses this wisdom, I'm extremely glad I have a dictaphone as her words just bubble out as one idea leads to another. But then she does talk on air for a living, which has lead to some interesting

“The latest I’ve stayed up was half past three I was a bit late that morning” Zoe Hanson experiences. "We interviewed Kylie Minogue, probably about a month ago now. Her grandparents were originally from Maesteg so her roots are in South Wales, so we talked to her about that because they used to own the Post Office there, and we said to her, ‘is there any chance you’ll be back in South Wales running another Post Office?’ She said, ‘Oh yeah, I’d love to be another, I think I’d be a great postmistress.’ If anything goes wrong with the pop career or the hotpants, she’s in." So look out next time you go to buy stamps, you never know. Not all the celebrities Zoë gets to rub shoulders with are quite so

appealing though. "I can’t even remember her name, the girl that won Fame Academy - Alex Parks - she came in. She was ok, but she’s not known for being the happiest person in the world. But there was a TV crew with her as well following her round. When guests come in, very often we get them to join in with the show. We’ve had Ronan Keating, and Rachel Stevens and whoever doing the entertainment news and that day just happened to be the day that David Sneddon said he was giving up singing so we got her to do the showbiz news and she obviously read that story. And as she walked out to the car park, to the TV crew she said ‘oh I really didn’t want to do that.’ It was like, all right, well whatever. We still got on the telly so it’s all right. "I do love meeting all these showbiz people and pop bands; just finding out what they’re really like. You read all this stuff and most of the time it’s not true, so it’s actually getting under their skin and finding out what they’re like. I’m sort of fiery with that. If there is somebody coming in I want to speak to them, and I normally push to the front." Although her adventures include driving an ice cream van across Europe, university was not on the list. "I never went to university. I think I got to the end of college and they said to me ‘Right, are you going to go to university or drama school or whatever?’ and I said, ‘No chance! I don’t want to do any

Hanson:“I think you’ve got to more education. I need to get out there and do something now.’" She's making up for it in Cardiff though: "There’s quite a big buzz about the university, I’m always down at the Students’ Union. Supergrass are playing next week so I'll go to interview them and then I’ll watch the gig." It's all right for some. Endlessly professional, Zoë talks through all interruptions,

word competitive doesn’t quite cover it. But that is not all. Here is what he has done so far: six radio shows, a radio documentary, a radio mockumentary, a large number of articles for 11 different magazines and newspapers, been a member of six bands, interviewed many others, worked for record companies as both a promoter and a scout and won five media awards. He’s definitely been busy and, according to many that have employed him, he’s got the knack. He also has determination on his side, his post-uni plan being to contact everywhere he would like to work and stalk them until they crack; this being the generally accepted method of finding any form of employment in the media. A job presenting his very own radio show would be probably an ideal route but he doesn’t want to limit himself. Anything in the music industry would keep him happy. So even though Adam Brooks is flying off for better things in the big wide world it seems likely we won’t have heard the last of him. And just remember you can always say you heard him first on Xpress. Catherine Gee

be passionate about your job” as a masseuse comes in and the police arrive - just a normal day at the Red Dragon station. As she chats on I can see why a radio DJ is the perfect job for her and she agrees. "I’m very happy here. I think you’ve got to be passionate about your job. You spend too much time at work to not enjoy your job. And if I didn’t love my job there’s no way I’d get up at half past four in the morning!"

Media muddle WE’D LIKE to say this column has been off on an enforced absence, but sadly we’d be lying. It’s basically down to a combination of exams and the fact our pages looked really really pretty when we didn’t include this tedious waffle. But as it’s the last one of the year we’ve decided to inflict it upon you again. It’s been slim pickings for Muddle this week, mainly because I made the mistake of leaving all the student papers in the office and they were pounced on by sports desk. One paper saved was Manchester Student Direct’s ‘Sex Issue.’ Given that the rest of the paper was about the numerous stabbings around the city, the students clearly needed something to soothe their troubled minds. Muddle was also very excited by the arrival of UWIC’s student paper, Retro, in the office. It wasn’t sent to us though – we had to send out a monkey to steal it. Muddle would hazard a guess it’s because they were too embarrassed to be shown up by us. It’s especially worrying when the first article of any meaning appears on page seven. Seeing as we’ve still got some space to fill I’d like to make this page even more sycophantic than it already is and say a big thanks to everybody who’s written for Media this year: Will, Catherine, Amy and Poulomi you’re all stars. And let’s not forget the excellent Bec who steps into these shoes next year; I’m sure she’ll do a far better job than I’ve done. Finally Mike McCarthy asked me for a mention in here when I was drunk. Mike, you sunk my battleship. Ciao.

Graduate special

June 7 2004

Page 11

So how do I doff?

gair rhydd answers those annoying questions that make graduation so stressful "presented" to the ViceChancellor (Dr David Grant) by a Presenter (a senior member of the academic staff) who reads out your name and the names of your fellow students being admitted to the same degree. When your name is called, you ascend the stage, walk towards the Vice-Chancellor and shake his hand. You then leave the stage and stand with your group, facing the stage. The Vice-Chancellor formally admits you to your degree. You "doff" in reply, and are then re-seated by staff. When all admissions to your particular degree are completed, you are asked to stand to receive the Greetings of the President/Vice President of the University and the Warden of the Guild of Graduates. Can I leave as soon as I get my degree? Save in an emergency, graduands are expected to remain in the auditorium throughout the ceremony.

Where do I collect my cap and gown?

If you have hired your academic dress from Messrs Ede & Ravenscroft, their representatives will be based in the Robing Room throughout the three days of graduation. You may collect your cap and gown from them on production of your receipt.

1.30pm. St David's Hall is some 20 minutes' walk away from the Robing Room so please make sure that you collect your cap and gown well in advance of the start time of your ceremony. You should aim to be in St David's Hall 45 minutes before the start time in order to attend the rehearsal.

When should I collect my cap and gown?

What do I need to have with me to collect my cap and gown?

The Robing Room will open at 8.15am each day during graduation. - Graduates whose ceremony starts at 10.30am should arrive at the Robing Room no later than 9.00am. - Graduands whose ceremony starts at 1.30pm or 2pm are asked to collect their robes from 10.30am. - Graduands whose ceremony starts at 4.30pm are asked to collect their robes from

When collecting your academic dress you will need the acknowledgement card sent to you as a receipt by Ede & Ravenscroft. Please also state clearly the title of your degree (BA, BEd, BScEcon, BSc, BEng etc). This will help ensure that you are provided with the correct robes. Most confusion arises between BSc/BScEcon and MSc/MScEcon, so please be precise when you ask for your

How do I ‘doff?’

robes. Will I be shown how to wear the cap & gown properly? Ede and Ravenscroft staff will be on hand in the robing room to assist graduands and ensure they are dressed correctly. Anyone with any quantity of hair is advised to bring along hair grips with which to secure their caps. What do I do with my cap and gown after the ceremony? If you hire your cap and gown from Ede & Ravenscroft they should be returned to the robing room after your ceremony, unless you have arranged for additional time in your hiring agreement. When do I need to be at St David’s Hall? You are asked to present yourself at St David’s Hall 45 minutes before the start time of your ceremony in order that you might be registered as present and be directed to your seat in time for the rehearsal. For comfort and practicality it is recommended that you wear a top or shirt that buttons up to the neck, as this makes it easier to attach the hood over your gown. A supply of safety pins is also useful. What do I do once I arrive at St David’s Hall?

Looking towards the Vice-Chancellor, nod your head slightly and either touch the front peak of your cap or raise it very slightly, using your right hand.

Graduation venues in Cardiff

Students’ Union – 38 City Hall – 54 Main Building – 39 National Museum – 50 Places to eat Mill Lane The Bay

When you arrive at St David's Hall, you need to make your way to Level 2. Academic Registry staff are on hand to direct you to the auditorium to take your seat in time for the rehearsal. How will I know what to do during the ceremony?

The Hilton (you’ll have to beg)

Useful Addresses

Places to get drunk The Union of course

General Arrangements Graduation Office Academic Registry 50 Park Place PO Box 927 Cardiff CF10 3UA Tel: +44 (0)29 2087 5016 Email: Graduation@cf.ac.uk Accommodation Leanne Munkley Conference Office Cardiff University PO Box 533 Southgate House Cardiff CF14 3XZ Tel: +44 (0)29 2087 4702 Email: BrownK@cf.ac.uk

There will be a brief rehearsal approximately 30 minutes before each ceremony is due to start. Even if you don't arrive at the Hall in time for the rehearsal, please be assured that it will be extremely difficult for you to go wrong during the ceremony; you will be guided throughout by marshals; just follow their instructions and you will be fine. Can I sit anywhere? No. Your allocated seat number is on the top right hand corner of your registration card, which you collect from the robing room in City Hall. The seating arrangements are carefully planned so that you arrive on stage when your name is being called - according to the order in the printed programme to be found on your seat. There are plenty of administrative staff on duty throughout the ceremony to see that you find your correct seat and to ensure that you remain in the right order. What should I have with me during the ceremony? Please note that, once you have been presented for and admitted to your degree, you may not actually return to the same seat that you occupied at the start. You should therefore avoid carrying handbags, cameras etc with you into the auditorium. Please leave such items in the care of your guests. What does the ceremony involve? Once you have qualified for your degree (ie passed the examination), you are entitled to be admitted to that degree and to be received into the Guild of Graduates of the federal University of Wales. In the ceremony, you are

Is the ceremony different for MPhil, PhD, EngD or DClinPsy graduates? If you are being admitted to the degree of MPhil, PhD, EngD or DClinPsy, you ascend the stage when your name is read out by the Presenter. The Vice-Chancellor, the President/ Vice-President and the Warden will stand to receive you and will, in turn, shake hands with you. You then leave the stage and form a line, facing the Officers. The Vice-Chancellor will formally admit you to your degree and the President/Vice President and the Warden of the Guild of Graduates will greet you. You "doff" in reply and are then shown back to your seat. Your approach to the stage and your return to your seat will be carefully supervised by the Marshals on duty, so do not worry. Once the ceremony is underway, it really is a case of "follow-my-leader". How long does the ceremony last? The ceremony will last for approximately one hour and 30 minutes. There is also a 30 minute rehearsal before the ceremony starts which graduands must attend. Are video cameras allowed in the auditorium? There are no restrictions to the use of video cameras outside the auditorium. However, video cameras should not be used whilst the ceremony is in progress. Your guests are expected to remain seated once the actual ceremony commences. Roving cameramen create an unwelcome distraction to other guests and are likely to incur the wrath of the St David's Hall Management Team! Please remember that you will be only one among some 500 students graduating in your ceremony. Your co-

operation and consideration for others will be very much appreciated. The University is pleased to be able to offer you the opportunity to purchase a specially-commissioned video recording of your graduation. How much are the commemorative programmes? Printed programmes will be available at St David's Hall, free of charge, to all graduands and their guests. Where can I park? Please note that there are no parking facilities at St David's Hall itself, but there are a number of public car parks in the immediate vicinity. The University location guide shows the location of car parks near St David’s Hall (map ref 76). Also, a detailed virtual map of the area is available from the Cardiff County Council website: follow the virtual map link from the home page, choose the South East area and zoom in on St David’s Hall to 'stroll around' that part of the City Centre. When will I get my degree certificate? Approximately six weeks after the ceremony your certificate will be sent to you. Certificates are issued by the University of Wales Registry. What if I want more than two guest tickets? In special circumstances, requests for extra tickets may be considered where the capacity of St David's Hall allows. Requests for extra tickets are only accepted in writing along with the invitation acceptance form. Telephone applications are not accepted. Can I take children to the ceremony? We do not recommend that children are taken to the ceremony, due to the length and formal nature of proceedings. Any child over the age of two will also require a SEPARATE GUEST TICKET to attend. Will my tickets arrive in time if i live overseas? If you have an overseas home address, your tickets are held at St David's Hall for you to collect on the day of your ceremony. Details of this are included in the graduation packs which are sent out in March, and forms are provided on which to confirm your home address. I haven't yet received my graduation ceremony tickets Don't worry. Tickets for the ceremonies are not normally issued until the week before the ceremonies take place. Please do not ring the Academic Registry about receiving tickets before this time.

Graduation Schedule Graduation 2004 St David's Hall, Cardiff MONDAY 12 JULY @ 10.30 am Cardiff School of Engineering, Cardiff School of City and Regional Planning, Cardiff School of Earth, Ocean and Planetary Sciences @ 1.30 pm Cardiff School of English, Communication & Philosophy, Cardiff School of European Studies @ 4.30 pm Cardiff School of Social Sciences, Cardiff School of History and Archaeology, Cardiff University School of Welsh TUESDAY 13 JULY @ 10.30 am Cardiff Business School (excluding Business Admin.), Welsh School of Architecture @ 1.30 pm Cardiff School of Biosciences (including BSc Pharmacology), Cardiff School of Computer Science, Cardiff School of Mathematics @ 4.30 pm Cardiff Business School (BSc Business Admin & MBA), Cardiff School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies WEDNESDAY 14 JULY @ 10.30 am Cardiff Law School, Cardiff School of Music, Cardiff School of Religious and Theological Studies @ 2.00 pm Cardiff School of Psychology, Welsh School of Pharmacy, Cardiff School of Physics and Astronomy, Cardiff School of Optometry and Vision Sciences, Cardiff School of Chemistry

What colour is your gown?

Bachelors and Masters wear a black stuff or silk gown of the patterns customary for these degrees. Bachelors’ hoods are of the Oxford form, and are made of black stuff or silk, except in the Faculty of Music, in which they are made of dark blue silk. Bachelors’ hoods are bordered with silk of the colours proper to the respective Faculties. Masters’ hoods are of the Cambridge form, and are made of black silk, except in the Faculty of Music, in which they are made of dark blue silk. Masters’ hoods are lined with silk of the colours proper to the respective Faculties. In addition the

hood of a Master of Philosophy is bordered with crimson. The hood of a Master of Research is lined with silk of the colours proper to the Faculty in which the degree was awarded.

Music

BMus, MMus Pearl colour (a shot silk of three hues)

Law

Arts or Letters

LLB, LLM, LLD Red shot with purple

Science

Theology or Divinity BD, MTh, DD Mazarin blue shot with red BTh Mazarin blue shot with red, edged with white

BA, MA Mazarin blue short with green BSc, MChem, MPhys, MSc, DClinPsy, DSc Bronze colour (yellow shot with black) BEng, MEng, EngD Red shot with green BPharm, MPharm Shot silk of saxe blue

Architecture

BArch Shot silk of scarlet red

Economic and Social

Studies

BScEcon, MScEcon Red shot with yellow MBA Red shot with yellow, edged with pale blue

Education

BEd, MEd, EdD Green shot with white

Travel

Page 12

June 7 2004

Time to play in the hay

gair rhydd presents a festivals special It’s not definitive, and you won’t take it home to meet your parents, but if there are ANY places that you might want to take a gander at this summer, this, my friends, is the gair rhydd guide to festivals. Bring them on. By Perri Lewis One of the biggest highlights of the summer months is that it’s the time when festivals begin to crop up. From late June right through until the end of September, you can be sure that there’s a musical event that’s just right for you. The problem is that there are so many to choose from so For those of you into a bit of alternative, the Reading and Leeds Festivals are always an entertaining way to spend your August Bank holiday weekend. Although the Reading site has sold out and Leeds is the rundown relative of the festival family, its worth it. With Linkin Park, Green Day and the Darkness headlining not to mention Jurassic 5, graham coxon, Hundred Reasons and The Hives to name but a few. This year it proves to be not a bad line up, though Reading has failed to pull off a really great headliner in while. If camping for a few days puts you off, why not stay in a chalet at the we’reso-posh Kerrang! Weekender where youngsters high on the taste of freedom rock all weekend. Another lesser known festival is All Tomorrows Parties, held in the confines of a holiday camp. Like the Kerrang! Weekender you can satisfy your musical thirst whilst playing crazy golf, go-karting or swimming. But if Linkin Park at Reading isn’t hard enough for you, which means that you’ve grown out of your early teenage years,why not visit a festival which is 100% metal? Download Festival at Donington Park is at the softer end of the spectrum but having

spawned a counterpart festival in Scotland, it can be reached by most in a couple of hours. Derby’s Bloodstock is the UK's only indoor Heavy Metal Festival but offers two stages and many huge European bands. For really extreme stuff though, the only place to go is the Bulldog Bash. Run by the Hell’s Angels, the music is almost as hardcore as the live female sex shows between bands! Moving away from alternative genres, the UK hosts a range of dance festivals; Creamfields and Gatecrasher offer just as many top quality DJ’s as their club nights do and Homelands is described as ‘one of the biggest thrills of the dance music year’. It is the first major outdoor festival of the season and warms the country up for a summer of truly great events. But England’s festivals aren’t all about having a completely crazy few days, well of course they are, worshipping the kettle BBQ and random chair to name but a few. But besides these charms it seems that pop artists are getting in on it to at their very own squeaky clean events. The Big Gig Weekend which began in 2001 has been able to offer it’s own fair share of musical talent (if you can call Atomic Kitten and Hear’Say ‘talent’) and Party in the Park is a huge pop-fest in Hyde Park where the very big of commercial acts show their stuff. Both of these days are ‘something for the family’. Also in Hyde Park is London’s Mardi Gras, the premier gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender festival in the UK. It features a whole host of entertainment as well as stages filled with top notch acts. However, not all festivals are

purely about entertainment. The Ambient Green Picnic is one of the most popular Arts and Music festivals in the South of England and like the Eden Festival in Arrowe Country Park, Cheshire it aims to publicise ‘green’ issues. The world-famous Glastonbury also has similar motives and is the largest Greenfield music and performing arts festival in the world. It’s now been running for over thirty years and is so well-liked that tickets were allegedly being sold at £800 last year on eBay. Contrasting to this is the V festival (this year, unsurprisingly termed V2004). A mass of corporate sponsorship from you-know-who means that the campsites are much cleaners, more secure and queuing times are much less. All this for simply compromising your capitalistic morals! Held on two sites in Chelmsford and Staffordshire, mentioned extensively on the next page,. While England can boast some pretty fantastic festivals, and Wales some great ones of its own the really dedicated music lover might consider going further a field. If you get a group of mates together, and are willing to step out of the UK you can encounter so much more. It isnt simply the different cultures that you will find alluring; it is the variety of music available as well. So many people seem to forget that the music industry does exist and flourishes in other parts of the world. The artists these festivals attract are just as big as those who headline here. If you’d rather escape Reading this year there are a whole host of music festivals around the world to cater for alternative tastes. Foriegn festivals - now you’re talking. Japan can boast the world famous Fuji Rock Festival complete with awe defying silent crowds. Seriously, these guys give out so much respect that hardly a word is uttered while they wait for the next song. Also in the area is the up and coming Japanese band Big Space Why said by some to be a breakthrough for Japanese artists, then again their set may leave you lacking for space in

itself as they rip through another high voltage Elvis meets punk rock. Europe bags some of the best that the world has to offer, combining the diverse culture of the continent with music from all countries and nationalities which take advantage of the free border for the best reasons. Italy has a pretty good range of festivals. Arezzo Wave is a massive five day rock fest with free entrance and the Independent Day Festival is one of the main events. Although only a one day party, everyone looks forward to it as it’s usually the last festival of the season. Moving north a little, Germany hosts Bizarre, the biggest alternative festival. Their famous Fatstage always has a fantastic skatecore/punk rock line up. The Peacedog Festival in the Netherlands may be a little smaller but it still offers a range of alternative bands while Roskilde in Denmark donates all the profits from it’s seven day extravaganza for humanitarian and cultural purposes. If thrash metal is more up your street ,why not visit one of the festivals dedicated to bringing you the best and the hardest.? Not too far away is Ireland’s two day event Gods of Metal but if you want to stray into Europe the Machina Festival is Spain’s only pure metal show. Another great event is Finland’s Tuska Open Air Metal Festival which is the largest in the Scandinavian region. Just as hardcore are the trance/dance/techno festivals scattered around the world. From the USA’s Annual Electronic Dance Music Peace Festival (which is apparently a day of dance, music and peace) to Creamfield’s Irish counterpart, there are so many events that showcase world class DJ’s. Germany’s Liberty One has only been running for three years but the SundayMusicPicnic can be a great techno filled day. Belgium also hosts a range of festivals including Fuse on the

Beach (on a beach) and House Torhout (not on a beach). If you prefer to listen to music that’s propping up the charts it’s worth checking out some of Europe’s finest mainstream festivals. Parkpop in the Netherlands has been running for over 20 years and claims to be the worlds largest free festival; its main stage usually attracts well known national and international artists. Germany’s Haldern Festival takes place in large meadows and features a vast array of pop acts. But if you fancy getting into a bit of European p o p ,

Sweeden’s Emmaboda Festival showcases up and coming acts from the Scandinavian market. Folk festivals are always interesting but are rarely visited by the usual festival-going clan and The Bristol Rhythm and Roots Reunion in the USA is no different. It cele-

brates Bristol’s music heritage while offering an expanse of workshops and activities. In Belgium, the Folkfestival Dranouter has been running for nearly thirty years and continues to boast a mix of folk and traditional genres. If you fancy getting away from the rush of typical music festivals you can always try the more civilised ones. Sweden’s Stockholm Jazz Festival is spread over nine days and has staged some of jazz’s most important artists. It’s held at the beautiful island Skeppsholmen, in the heart of Stockholm, and is perfect for anyone wanting to experience a bit of culture. Likewise in Turkey, the International Istanbul Jazz Festival has five stages which showcases an eclectic mix of acts over fifteen days. On the theme of eclectic, there are so many festivals around the world that offer a range of diverse musical styles. Belgium’s Polé Polé Beach presents three days of tropical music from Latin to Reggae while Klinkers is a massive fifteen day event filled with multicultural performances. The FestivalWürzburg (The International Afro Music Festival) takes place in North Bavaria and celebrates a mass of African culture and music while the U S A ’ s Coachella Va l l e y

Music and Arts Festival boasts a assortment of musical genres. If you’re travelling around you are bound to bump into something, but we’re finishing off this piece focusing on two festivals from the continent, Bennicassim in Spain, and Laroutedurock in France, to give you an example of what the continent has to offer. For more detailed info on many major festivals look no further than www.virtualfestivals.com.

Tim Clark on why he is such a big fan of festival life In modern society festivals are one of the most definitive occasions where young people go to release the stress of modern life, be it a work, family, university etc. Every summer literally millions of people go off with their hand dome tented fun to sit in fields without basic facilities, and in a strange musical way, get back to nature. Yet there are every year, stories from around the world which tell of catastrophes with stages, rapes in fields, not to mention crowd crushing or dehydration which are a cause of major concern to anyone who attends what on the surface is a marketed as a great time. I distinctly remember enjoying the Saturday night at

Reading, full of energy and buzzing after the finishing song of a major headline band (alcohol dulls who it actually was). Then being brought back down to earth by turning round and seeing a young girl crying her eyes out, screaming "this is the worst time of my life". I was oblivious to anyone who couldn’t be having the time of their lives but obviously many do. Here I’m not intending to go through the ropes like some over-possessive mum but highlight just what has been of major concern in recent years considering the explosion of festivals and the ever-rising ticket prices. First off, Glastonbury. For years the old dog of the festival safety world, it was refused a licence in 2001 because of the re-

ccurring fence problems that made news each year. Over a hundred thousand people gatecrashed the event in 2000, causing serious distress to the ever-smiling darkness upsetting Michael Eavis. Cancelling the biggest festival in the world is some step for a small county council to make yet at least it shows that safety concerns are taken seriously in this country. If not there are serious consequences. In recent years the Roskilde festival in Holland saw part of the stage collapse into the audience during one of the acts. In Big Day out in Australia a girl was crushed to death during the Limp Biscuit set. It prompted a serious review of safety in both countries following the incident. In the UK we have had our

own fair share of calamity. In July 2002 the free Beach party in Brighton hosted by Fat boy Slim was planned to handle a capacity of around 60,000 people, yet the freak Mediterraneanweather meant that 250,000 turned up. As the BBC reported, the city was overwhelmed as party goers packed onto the beach. Two people died, one from a heart attack, the other from head injuries as lifeboats were called in to handle accidents. The power to the cities train station had to be turned off as people walked alongside the electrified tracks to avoid the overcrowded platforms, and for a couple of hours the whole of the beach front descended into chaos. It didn’t stop the event going ahead, Slim himself stumped up the cash for

the clean-up before stating that it was the best gig of his life. Stating that there was so much confusion it is amazing that serious injuries were so low, as for the crowd, the majority had a good time before heading home wqith the traffic. The other main worry for festival goers though is just what they’ll encounter when they get there. Locks on tents don’t stand up to the quick swipe of a penknife and its not always the valubles that are found missing. One unfortunate mate of mine came back to find his digital camera still intact yet sleeping bag gone the way of the wind due to some French wipper-snapper fancying the warmer side of life during a rainy July in Normandy. This is small play though

compared to the havoc caused by the leeds festival riots during 2002. Whole toilet blocks were reduced to the nothing as the plastic melted and occasionally exploded from the ground. The concern here though is not the load of lads smashing things up, it was more the fact that half the site stunk to high heaven as a mix of toxic fumes wafted over the site. Obviously Meanfiddler, who run the event were refused licence for the following year, forcing them to move to a new site, which is a shame when you consider that the majority of people actually went to enjoy the music, not full size mechano messing. What does this teach us? Well very little unless you want to start analysing the social problems of

‘deprived’ people who can still afford a hundred quid for a weekend or just random’s intent on jumping up and down on things for a bit of fun. What you can do though is look out for yourselves and each other, not in some ultra hippy tree hugging way, but using common-sense. Camp in the good places not on the end of a line with the local mafia next to you coming round to borrow sugar in the morning.Other than that, do all the usual stuff you’d expect to say to keep safe and hopefully enjoy what you’ve paid for. It should be enough to avoid most trouble and keep you from ending up like that unfortunate sobbing teenager in the crowd, I didn’t think Daphne and Celeste were that bad?

Travel

June 7 2004

Festivals in Focus By Tim Clark

Laroutedurock, France. SITUATED ONLY a ferry ride across the channel in Normandy, Laroutedurock is one of the most bizarre music festivals you could probably get to; however, it doesn’t actually know this.

Benicassim takes over the Med from 5-8 August. Headliners include, Ash, Paul Weller, The Pet Shop Boys, The Charlatans, Spiritualised, 2manyDJs, Franz Ferdinand and many more. For more info go to www.fiberfib.com It tries to pass itself off as normal, yet it is set inside a Napoleonic Fort, complete with random goat on the top. You camp in the moat, which has been drained, and are left to fend for yourselves as a hundred Frenchmen gather round at five in the morning to sing anything that takes their fancy. What I found suprising is the way that the French are just carefree in their attitude to the whole thing - relaxed and easygoing - it is exactly what you would not expect from how they are typecast. The festival is set in two sites with a satellite operating

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from the beach. Dance music booms out across the sand into the sea where, weather permitting, a load of festival goers are trying hard to dance while avoiding faces full of seaweed. As festival goer Jon Astle commented: “It really was seaweed. I thought it would be hard to dance in this but you’ve got to give it to the French. They’ll dance in anything.” Leaving the beach aside, the other great highlight was the fact that the whole thing seems to be run like a friendly faced but geriatric hippy. Plans go to pot as buses take people, well anywhere except where they wanted to go, but a few hours and a bundle of croissants later, you find yourself eating better than you have for nine months plus your tent is cleaner than your home kitchen is any day. Add to that some real French cooking within a fort and with a few strong beers, you soon realise that you really are having a surreal moment. Finally finish off with a full set of bands that do a European tour, a few other guests that turn up simply to have a holiday, (Jarvis Cocker in 2002), and the fact that the bands leave their press area to join in the fun, (Black Rebel Motorcycle Club were found dazed and confused in the moat at the early hours of the morning) and you’ve got a worthwhile time just a hop from Southampton.

Benicassim, Spain. BENICASSIM IS a small town on the Mediterranean coast that opens its doors to the rest of the world for the first week in August every year. The festival simply takes over the whole town, who get in on the act. Arriving to a festival where the pre-festival warmup involves Ash, you know you’re on to something. Benicassim has nothing of the charm or history that Glastonbury can offer, yet you

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would never think that it is a little less than ten years old. It has already gained an attachment and even a fashion sense all of its own by trying to give the would-be goer the widest variety of themes to indulge in before going home red or tanned or white, as the whole festival is addicted to staying up all night. Expect to see strange men dancing like a 118 advert in fields all by themselves with only a stereo for company. You’re also forgetting that you are in Spain so considering that the most luxurious toilets that Reading has to offer is an upright cubicle, the communal showers and daily washed down loos are like five star heaven. Speaking of showers, going into the communal hub can be a little off-putting, but after two days you get quite used to seeing more than the average flesh placed in view, and you dont even have to worry about dropping the soap. If you can handle another festival that literally is 24 hours of party then go, you will absolutely love the all night drumming and bongo dancing that exists within the main camping halls. Final ingredients are sun, sand, and a finishing party set on the beach and you could be forgiven for thinking that you are in Thailand. Almost 10,000 Brits turned up last year alone, which goes to show how fun in the sun is making an impact on our own festival culture.

Laroutedurock is kicking off over the weekend of the 12-14 August. Headliners are unknown as yet. Find out more at www.laroutedurock.com

They let him out on Tuesdays, the nut, but didn’t teach him the signs.

Andalusia: sprinting a marathon

Covering 1,300 miles by train, bus and ferry around Spain and Morocco in just 15 days

By John Collingridge Travel writer The well-travelled route is not always such a bad idea, but tackling 1,300 miles in 15 days might have been. The Andalusian trail from Barcelona to Seville is one of the most celebrated tourist routes. So with only a return flight from Madrid, a zone F Interrail ticket each and offers of accommodation in Morocco and Madrid, three of headed to Barcelona. Getting there was easy enough, but on arriving, after searching the luggage carousel in vain, it was clear that my bag hadn’t even made it onto the plane. Faced with the prospect of wearing the same boxers for the

next two weeks seriously dampened the holiday spirit. The lost luggage man gave me a raffle ticket that I promptly lost, and we traipsed off to find the hostel. Things didn’t drastically improve as the hostel was an oversized battery-hen farm. Trying to sleep in a metal cage when broken air-conditioning pushes the room temperature to 40 degrees, and a wailing girl has fallen out her coop and cracked her skull, is difficult. 21 euros-a-night difficult, to be precise. So after no sleep, we headed off early the next morning to find Gaudi’s towering La Sagrada Familia. Catching the oddly placed outdoor escalator up the hill to the Parc Guell gave a view over the whole city, and

Alhambra Palace in all its glory

its tightly crammed streets that stretch to the sea. The Gaudi architecture on the walk back down was straight from Disneyland. Extending our stay by a night meant we were able to see a game at the fabled Neu Camp. Boca Juniors, the Argentinean club renowned for their shotgun toting fans played Barcelona in a showcase game to a crowd of 100,000. Watching the sublime Ronaldinho from a vertigo inducing altitude in the upper tier was better than any Nike advert. When Stellios finally got his act together and sent my bag to the hostel, we were ready to move on. It had been chewed up by a conveyor belt, but was a welcome sight. The journey from Barcelona to southern Spain was an awkward one, but worth the detour, because we travelled through gorges, burnt olive trees, and past rapids famed as some of the most breathtaking countryside in Europe. Breaking the journey to Granada meant staying in Alcazar San Juan. Under all circumstances avoid this one-horse town. The paella incident probably said it all: Andy’s first taste of authentic Spanish cuisine was microwaved paella that tasted like curry. Further south, Granada had much more to offer. The Alhambra palace, a 13th-century Moorish fortress set against the equally massive Sierra Nevada, was everything that Alcazar San Juan was not. Imposing and block-like in parts, but tranquil and ornate in others, the orange palace was the one thing our guidebook had insisted on us visiting. Then after a hectic sprint to the station, interrupted

by Andy stopping to take a crap in a sink – "there was no toilet and I was desperate" – and we were on the train south to Morocco. Another stop-off was at Algeçiras: the cheap and seedy hangout of Spain’s criminal fraternity. We were not sad when our ferry pulled out into the Strait of Gibraltar. Two hours later, chugging into Tangiers, things changed - even the smells were different. Morocco was a shock to our senses. We dipped into North Africa for five days, staying in Larache - a small fishing town south of Tangiers. The blend of Europe and Africa that you get in Morocco – grizzly blokes delicately sipping mint tea in Beckham Madrid replicas – made it one of the most fascinating places to stay. A family friend put the three of us up in his basement. A wizened artist, he left us to wander the town, while he painted in the narrow streets with children yapping at his heels. We spent a day on the beach, which could only be reached by rowing across a wide estuary. Andy and Pete came back in the evening burned to a deep shade of pink. In the evening we went to a shack that doubled up as a fish restaurant. Battered and fried, true to the Colonel’s secret recipe, shark and sardines were deposited on the table before us. A covering of paper on the formica tables was tablecloth, plate and bin. The meal was exceptional. Returning to the artist’s house, we sat on the roof and ate olives and drank wine bought from the only off-licence in town. Don’t be fooled Larache was far from paradise – a woman with a baby begged in

The wizened artist at work in Morocco a puddle on the road and you could hear rats rummaging through split bin bags. But just 30 miles from mainland Europe, it was different to anything we’d ever seen. Back in Spain, after a gruelling ferry trip, we headed straight for Seville. The home of oranges and bullfights was busy and hot, but a fascinating warren of old streets and buildings. Even after dark there were things to do - for a few euros we hired pedallos and spent an hour dodging tour boats on the floodlit river. Our first and last experience of tapas – the bowls of native cuisine that everyone raves about – consisted of tripe, baby crabs and seafood we couldn’t even put a name to. At our final stop, Madrid, we met stayed with friends in their city-centre flat. The city is crammed with sights: in two days saw the Prado and Reina Sofia art galleries, Real Madrid’s Bernabau and the royal palace. One strange night, we headed out with Jess wearing a Barcelona shirt. Madrid were playing at home, and as we trawled through bars, the only words we could understand were the muttered insults from yet more Beckham replicas. In one extortionate Irish pub we met a party of Americans who dragged us on to a club. The small dancefloor was crowded, and surrounded by giant black transvestites. Pete threw caution to the wind and danced to the hand-clapping salsa, only to be accosted by a lipstick caked shemale, who thought Pete looked like fair game. A few embarrassing hours later, we stumbled out of the gay club. Our last stop seen and done, we were on the plane home next afternoon, and I was half a stone lighter on return. But what a trip - if you get a couple of weeks over summer, do it.

What it costs: Flights on Easyjet from Gatwick cost £35 each way. Accommodation is about 17 euros per night. Return ferry from Algeçiras to Tangiers 35 euros. Interrail ticket for 14 days in zone F is £125. Spending money was about £500 for the two weeks. Rough Guides: Spain and Morocco cost £14 each.

Like a giant melting candle - La Sagrada Familia

Ball 2004

June 7 2004

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Ball 2004

June 7 2004

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The biggest SU event in the UK F

our months in the making, the Summer Ball is upon us. You can’t fail to have seen the Ball advertised after the heavy marketing campaign put forwarded by the Students’ Union, and it is no word of a lie that it is the UK’s biggest student event.

Returning to Cooper’s Field after three years at the Cardiff International Arena, students can expect an outdoor carnival type atmosphere, with bars and bands located in large erected marquees. It was viewed that the Ball had become somewhat repetitive

in the CIA, therefore the union decided to return to its most successful location to date. What can also be expected from Cooper’s Field, apart from the larger capacity and less claustrophobic environment, are far cheaper drinks prices, a guaranteed crowd

pleaser. What is not guaranteed to please, is the line-up. This year’s event however, does contain one of the strongest and most diverse for some years, and has been well received to date. Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain and Trevor Nelson

almost certainly bring a depth to the line-up that has been missing in the past, and should all give worthwhile and somewhat interesting performances. The one issue that cannot be controlled is the weather. Rain has been known to cause problems in the past

including one year where the site became a mudbath. There certainly won’t be that sort of whether this year, and everyone from ticket holders to event organisers will be praying for sunshine when they pull back their curtains on Friday morning.

Here’s lookin’ at you, Cardiff Goldie Lookin’ Chain are on the verge of megastardom. But before they take over the UK, they’re coming to serenade us at the Ball. Gavin Meany caught up with them for gair rhydd

Liberty sex - Jessica Taylor from Liberty X in a recent shoot for Maxim

Cardiff Ball 2004 Q&A What shoes should I wear?

Will there be food?

What’s the site security like?

If you’re a bloke, why are you asking this question? The lead up looks like being dry, so the ground should be hard enough to take a heel. If on the day it does look wet, you might want to reconsider.

There will be food available for purchase such as burgers, hot dogs, jacket potatoes and plenty of other snacks.

Where can I hire a suit?

The doors open at 4pm, where access will be available to all the bars tents and the outside areas. The Band and Come Play tents will then open at 7pm, which is where you’ll get all of the live entertainment and DJs. So any time between 4 and 7pm, depending on how close to the front you want to be.

Security will be visible around the site and will be more than happy to help should you encounter a problem. As a precaution, people will also be searched on entry to comply with safety standards.

Moss Bros are offering 30% discount on suit hire on production of a Summer Ball ticket. What's the flooring going to be like, will they have to walk on grass at all? There are grassy areas within the site that will be free to roam. There is flooring within the Bars tent and Come Play tent. The Band tent floor will be grass as well as the covered walkways.

What time should I get there?

Do we have to wear black tie? As with any ball, this is strictly a black tie event, so bow ties are the order of the day.

Can I get money or cigarettes on site? No, so come equipped with all the money that you will require during the day, plus things like cigarettes etc. After all why would you want to leave anyway? Can I still get a ticket? Yes, tickets will be on sale up to the day of the ball.

Potty-mouthed Newport hiphoppers, Goldie Lookin’ Chain are kicking off their festival season at our summer ball. On behalf of people who do, and people who don’t know about them, I asked them a few searching questions. Recipe: Sample the best tunes you can find, rap about the ATeam, Grange Hill and Record Breakers whilst at ‘maximum pressure’ and poke fun at everything in modern life, including yourselves. Result: innovative hip-hop made by, and for, the masses. GLC, an everoriginal, 23-strong posse spent a few years distributing their music by encouraging people to “get a copy off 2-hats (band member) and give it to your mate”. Their underground status reached fever pitch last year following their first shop releases. Vinyl ode-toyouth Rollerdisco quickly became a collector’s item, while their LP, The Manifesto, sold out before many people knew it had been pressed. Earlier this year, the eight core members signed to EastWest Records. Half Man Half Machine, the first GLC track to hit the mainstream shops, quickly followed, accompanied by their first tour. GLC hit the overground running, but the debate is open among fans as to whether they can go the distance. When I phoned them up to talk about their recent shenanigans, they were sitting in a car on the Ridgeway, a nice spot where you can lookout over the glorious Newport. “It’s nice up here”, Adam Hussain tells me, “and the police don’t come here, so you’re safe having a smoke”. I was speaking to Adam Hussain, Mr. Love Eggs and Mystikal. For those who don’t know you, what are the GLC? Eggsy: We’re like monks, but we’re not religious, and we don’t do anything good for anyone, and we swear a lot. Alright, so who are the GLC? Eggsy: A bunch of men who swear a lot, and sweat a lot. In the first few years, the GLC cult grew by people copying your home-made tapes and spreading the word. Now you have signed a record deal and released a single through a label. What does that feel like? Eggsy: well, we got given free hot dogs in a cinema the other day, tell him what happened Misty… Mystikal: We were driving round looking like 70s TV cops, checking out sexy ladies. When we saw one we registered back to base (impersonates a 70s TV cop) “216, 216, back to base”. We wanted to see a film about zombies and we got given free hot dogs. I think it was out of fear. He could see we were TV cops and he didn’t want to get busted for WDA 187. I’m not sure what that means. Then on the way home we got lost on an industrial estate for two hours. We were jazzed up. I saw in the paper that you can get a Half Man Hal fMachine ring-tone. Do you get royalties for that? Adam Hussain: That’s funny. My mate said “here, listen to this”, and I went “oh yeah…what is it?” It’s so shit. I think they use

the same tune for all of them, cos a Britney Spears one sounds exactly the same as ours. What’s all that about?! And, no, I never got any money for it.

“P-Xain, aka Dwain Xain Zedong, is a producer. He hooks up all the beats. So he’ll rip of a TV theme tune, then we’ll swear over the top of it. Then people come along and clap in time to the music and it’s alright” Eggsy

the masses now. Just got to sort a few legal things and that. So if you’ve used a sample, can you keep that in but then credit it? Adam: I don’t know, I’m too thick for that shit. I just rap. Xain just says to me “rap, you cunt”. We pay people in suits to sort that shit out. Will any of your old tunes appear on the album, or will you leave them to be discovered? Adam: As I say, we can’t give anything away, we are working on a few new little bits, but you’ll have to wait and see. You are lined up for some festivals this summer, what’s the plan? Eggsy: We’re gonna work on the burger vans to get some extra cash. We’ll take a load of burgers down there. I reckon we could make a few hundred quid. Ah! 216 to base! There’s a woman jogging past and she’s sweating and her tits are bouncing, ah (sings) sex fantasy… What are your plans after the summer? Eggsy: I’ll probably go down Maindy swimming baths and go for a swim. They’re wicked, they’ve been there since about 1930. There’s a kids pool and a

Rollerdiscography Don’t Blame The Chain Chain’s Addiction Return Of The Red Eye The Party Album Adam Hussain’s Truth & Slander Rollerdisco EP big one. I just go in the big one. Mystikal: Everyone pisses in the kid’s pool. Eggsy: Yeah, that’s right. I’ll probably join a gym. Rub myself up against a sexy lady. 216, (sings again) sexy time. When can we expect the next GLC release? Eggsy: I might have a wank at home later tonight. That’s a bit of a personal question. You’re playing the summer ball for Cardiff University… Adam: Yeah, we’re coming to wreck the place up. There’d better be a buffet, son. What can people expect? Eggsy: The worst thing you’ve ever seen. We’re shit, but we try. If I get a stiffy in my tracksuit I’ll poke in it some girl’s head in the front row. That’s it. Tell all the young girls… A combination of all three: yeah, yeah, get the clunge out, clunge,

take your panties off and get the gubbins out, naked fantasy, sexy time, we’ll do it with all of them.” There will probably a fair bit of 216 that needs reporting to base… Eggsy: yeah, if you’ve got some 216 action, we’ll sort it out. Right we gotta go now cos Adam’s got to…where’s Adam gone? Mystikal: He’s behind you. Eggsy: Oh yeah, he’s behind me. We gotta take him home and it’s his phone we’re on. Adam will

probably have a release when he gets home… Adam: Yeah, man. Laters, clart. The ball is also the starting point for the GLC world tour, taking in Wales first. The new GLC album is set for an August release, preceded by a single in early July. Go to www.youknowsit.co.uk for more depravity and hilarity, and to keep abreast of new happenings. As Eggsy says, “the best thing to do is check the internet, cos that doesn’t get stoned and it remembers things”. I hope you all enjoy their world at the ball.

Summer balls - a brief history of pop clichés and covers ’99 The one with thousands of students

’00 The one where the act didn’t show up

’01 The one with the awful line-up

’02 The one when we loved Teenage Dirtbag

Thousands of you descended on Cooper’s Field for what has to be described as the best and biggest Summer Ball of recent times. Not even the rain could dampen the spirits, as Dodgy, Bjorn Again, Gilles Petersen and Roni Size dazzled their respective audiences. Cooper’s Field was full, a reflection on the previous year’s sell out, where again it had rained.

After accumulating one of the best line-ups to date, the students were let down by the non-appearance of pop trio Honeyz. Some may argue that wasn’t a bad thing. The Gutter Band, Cast, Jeremy Healy and the Artful Dodger all performed to cater for many a taste, but unfortunately, in the rain again. The response wasn’t there and the event was not the success it could have been. Students seemed bored so a change was in order…

A move to Cardiff International Arena for the Summer Ball was celebrated with performances by… er… Hear’Say… and… not a lot else. And that’s bad enough. Mike Fab Gere and the Permission Society? Fatboy Tim? Samba Gates? Roland Hill? Who? Otherwise, the move to the CIA sparked greater interest in the ball once again, and ticket sales reflected this by selling out.

Did people really like this song? Maybe once, as Wheatus headlined the second CIA held ball. Again ticket sales were reasonable, slightly slower than the previous year. Whigfield told us about her Saturday night and Trevor Nelson performed his slick R&B grooves. So to consolidate, the Ball moved on to…

’03 The one with Cheggers The dubious choice of Keith Chegwin to compere cast a slight shadow over this otherwise improved, expensive line up. Sugababes performed an excellent, well-received set, backed up by a good showing from now ball stalwart Trevor Nelson. East 17 (or e17 under their new title) brought the novelty, reliving ball dwellers mid-90s pop memories. The pricey CIA had become a bit stale, and ticket numbers had suffered as a result, so…

“The ball used to be so much better at Cooper’s Field” heard that before? Maybe not if you are in your first year, but those with a little more experience behind them will no doubt have heard such rumblings. So, here you have it. Enjoy. Make Summer Ball ’04 the one that was awesome. It’s a phenomenal line-up and this could well live up to the billing as the UK’s biggest student event.

Your diary for the next five days

You’ve just come back off the Draw-Based Confusion Tour. How confusing was that? Adam: I’ve never smoked so much weed in my life. It was good cos you got to try out all different types of weed from round the country. It’s knackering though. People think you just get up on stage and that’s it. You’ve gotta do it all, in time, remember it all, and you’re stoned out of your head!

Wednesday 9 9pm: Bored of waiting for the Ball to eventually arrive, head down to the Union for the last Rubber Duck for a couple of quiet ones.

What was the most ridiculous thing that happened on the tour? Adam: Mike Balls disappeared one morning, where was that? Eggsy : Oracle in Reading Adam: Yeah, the Oracle shopping centre in Reading. So he ran off, cos you can’t go to the toilet on the bus, cos it doesn’t wash away. So he went for a shit on the front step of a shop. It was half-liquid, half-solid. We’ve got it on film. We stuck a flag in it.

12pm-3pm: Depending on whether you want to arrive looking like Kate Moss or Stirling Moss, time to get ready. Girls will finally get the chance to put on that dress that’s been hanging behind the door for two weeks now. Blokes will be scrubbing vomit off the trouser leg from the last ball they went to. 3.30pm: Grab your cash and fags, jump in a taxi and head for Cooper’s Field.

Monday 7 10am: With just four days to go, perhaps it’s time you thought about hiring that suit or dress. If they run out of your size, you are going to look very silly indeed.

Thursday 10 1pm: Wake up with a stinking hangover on the sofa in a pool of your own drool. With a small brass band banging away inside your head and stomach turning quicker than a Renault Espace, there’s not a chance your making the ball tomorrow.

Was that down to the tour diet? Adam: Our diet was chips, Subway and brandy. But don’t eat paninis, cos they double in size in your stomach. You’ve got to watch out for paninis. People who do know you are interested in what direction the GLC are going to take… Adam: You’ll have to wait and see. We have to keep it like that now. It goes in, we mix it all around a bit, then we shit it out… Mystikal: Like a panini.

5pm: You brush off the hangover because you’ve missed the lunchtime Neighbours.

Tuesday 8

Someone said in our paper a few weeks ago that now you’ve signed a record deal that’s the end of another cult classic. What do you think? Adam: It’s all about keeping it real, man. We’ll just keep doing it, keeping it real. It’s all very well us just keeping it local, just Newport, but it’s time to give it to

10.30pm: Now get to bed early, you’ve a big day tomorrow.

1pm: Annoy your stingy mate to go and get a last minute ticket, who won’t shell out despite the fact that they’re never going to see you again. They might actually be trying to tell you something…

Friday 11 The day itself.

Goldie Lookin’ Chain: Complete with bus shelter, Kappa gear and attitude by the spade

4pm: The doors open. A race to get the first pint of the day will no doubt ensue. This makes sense, because there’s only another 10 hours to go. 5pm-7pm: Eight drinks down, you take in the amusements, watching the stilt walkers, the dancers, play the coconut shy and watch the big screen. Think about food but decide foolishly that will take up drinking space.

Scott-Lee replaces Phixx Andy Scott-Lee has been added to the line-up after Phixx pulled out due an unforeseen commitment. Scott-Lee, brother of ex-Steps member Lisa, reached the finals of last year’s Pop Idol. Also added to the bill is solo artist Jason Downs, expected to achieve great things in the future, according to his record label.

’04 The one where the ball returns to Cooper’s Field

11am: It’s going to be a long one so make sure you fill yourself you with a hearty breakfast.

7pm: The live entertainment starts, with the warm up resident DJ Moneyshot. Check out Goldie Lookin’ Chain, followed by Liberty X, Peter Andre and a closing set by Trevor Nelson. Somehow find the time to get to the bar. 2am: If you are still standing, congratulations. Return home with that boy or girl on your arm with your head held high. Or, if you haven’t pulled, a kebab. No money? Loser.

Television

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June 7 - 13 2004

Your essential guide to this week’s TV June 7-13

Big bummer Nation mourns

HOT

Summer holidays! Obviously we’re only talking “hot” in terms of temperature here. There’s nothing remotely hot about the holidays. Especially not for me, I’m going back to Winchester to fester in a sweltering office as a telemarketer, trying to afford my shitty old life. Hooray!

SOAPS Horse and Marriage That’s right, it’s the wedding of the century. I mean, when was the last time YOU married the man who mowed down your ex-fiancée in a case of wreckless text-message-related car mishaps? Precisely. And whilst neither Sonia or Martin are exactly the sexiest starlets in Albert Sqare, they most certainly are...actually I can’t think of a way to end that sentence. Nobody likes either of them, do they? I mean, Martin lost all his minuscule likeability when he came out of prison and shoplifted the minimart, because that’s what everyone does when they leave prison. Sonia, on the other hand, what use is she? Since Jamie shot off and married that half-baked idiot from Hear’Say, the only scenes we see of her are the frog-eyed one moping around his gravestone and talking to him. But still, the best of British luck to them. The shitters!

It’s probably the saddest irony of all that the most eagerly anticipated and avidly watched programme in TV Desk’s calendar starts exactly the same week that gair rhydd closes for the summer. Gah! But still, a week is a week, and Big Brother (C4/S4C, all the goddamn time!) is upon us, and it’s already great. It’s clear from the word go, that the makers of series five have chosen contestants who won’t get on (sadly so far only the walking feminist cliché Kitten has obliged on this front), yet designed a house designed almost exclusively for them to get on, or at least, get it on. So who have we got? We have Marco (pictured top right) and Dan, the balding ying and yang of the homosexual world. We have Nadia, who’s a man disguised as a Portugese melon farmer smacked in the face with a limbo pole. We have the aforementioned Kitten, who looks like Jarvis Cocker. Shell (pictured bottom right - ho ho), who is basically Nush from BB4, in that she’s quite dull, quite pretty, and will end up corrupted. Victor’s an idiot. Stuart’s a poncey tosspiece, there are a fine selection of tedious thicko student girls. Then there’s Ahmed, who can’t make up his mind whether he wants to be miserable, boring, both, or secretely hiding a desire to set fire to everyone. Who knows? Jason’s favourite person in history is Peter Stringfellow! Twat! God bless the Big Brother house, and all who walk in it. Except Stuart. Team Handsome my fucking ass. You look like Ashton Kutcher’s retarded kid brother, you prick! Sometimes you can’t help but be glad that you live in Wales. What would we do without S4C? Especially with their launch of Porc Peis Bach (Wednesday - my birthday, no less - 8.25pm). Yes, this does mean what you think it does - little Welsh women without even a daffodil to hide their modesty rolling around in

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL Boosh Whacking If only for its ‘hilarious’ title (which I originally misread in a moment of stupor only GR can induce), I want to draw your attention to My Big Fat Fiancé (E4, all the time apparently - well there’s a surprise with E4). I’m not really sure what the premise of this is - something about a marriage, I presume - but again shows a kind of sloppy realityesque TV we’ve come to know and loathe. Basically someone has to convince their parents that their fiancé is good enough for them. Pah. There’s no point in getting married unless your betrothed is a millionaire on his deathbed suffering from a limpness in the groin area. But hey, it’s better than Friends or the ludicrously awful Big Brother’s Efourum, which is all E4 seems to proffer nowadays. Talking of which, Spy Chief for a Day (Thursday, BBC3, 10.30pm) looks stupid enough to warrant laughing at. Well, maybe groan.

M e l t o n Mowbray’s finest jelly-like bake. Yes! I hear you cry. Well, imagine how we felt. Sadly it only lasts for half an hour, but sometimes you need to look at heaven piecemeal. Also this week comes the delightfully tasteful return of Cathouse 2: Back in the Saddle (S4C, Thur sday, 11.20pm). For those of you not in the know, this programme takes a gander around America’s legal brothel, the Cathouse. In the last programme, we saw rank old munter ‘Airforce Amy’ (if that is indeed your real name, Donatella Versace) get so frisky throughout the day she had to use a vibrator when not with a client. Get her. It also featured an angry lesbian prossie, who was very surly about her job but for the sake of the cameras wouldn’t be too derogatory. All very interesting - especially the punters. My goodness, they only make them like that in America, don’t they?

And so another era comes to a close as TV Andy takes the batteries out of his remote and removes his caustic tongue and retreats to the shadowy heart of Bristol. Still no need to fear as there’s a bevy of great TV on Friday and Saturday that I can recommend for you before I go. Firstly Malcolm in the Middle returns to BBC2 (Friday, 6.40pm) for its fourth series which should surely be a cause for celebration in your house. You should all be familiar with the characters by, now so if I tell you that Reese is getting bothered by an angry goat and Malcolm and Dewey end up in the tiger pit you should know it’s going to continue its fine form. Saturday sees Channel 4 indulge in yet another top 100 show, but since it’s the Top 100 World Cup Moments (9.30pm) you can guarantee several hours of top-notch footballing action. For the ladies (or gents) who would rather chew their own leg off than watch 22 men kick a ball around you get to indulge in the car crash that will be 80s Mania, ITV1’s ill-advised nostalgia show with Anita Dobson and Leslie Grantham (9.45pm). Bet that football looks more attractive now... After a wait of about three weeks since the end of the football season, armchair supporters such as TV Willy are treated to the spectacle of Euro 2004. Ignore the tedium of the opening ceremony on Saturday (BBC1, from 4.30pm), they’re always shite and this one will be no different, you do get the bonus of Portugal’s ‘golden generation’ underachieving again against the lowly Greeks. What really makes TV Willy all foamy and excited is the battle between holders and favourites and perennial failures - don’t miss England vs France (Sunday, ITV 7.15pm). It’ll be worth it just to see what happens to England’s defence if if Henry gets going. But now, the sun sets. and TV desk disappear for summer. It’s been emotional. xx

VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY

NOT

The Imminent Departure of TV Andy That’s right. One edge of the TV Desk 200304 triangle is going. Andy, as contributor, editor and TV genius, was great. And now he’s lost. Now popular, excellent to read, genuinely enteraining media viewing’s loss, is Bristol pharmacy’s gain. Erm... good luck!

SPORT Football, football, football Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few months you’ll know that Euro 2004 starts on Saturday. With two games nearly every day it’s heaven for fans. Lets hope England impress more than in their “challenging” games against Japan and Iceland.

FILMS Shooting Fish (BBC1 Monday 11.05pm) was a not fantastically known (due to it being not fantastic) British flick, which partly introduced Kate Beckinsale to the world and more importantly, had a frankly awful soundtrack with the likes of Supernaturals, Space and other hideous skeletons you don’t particularly want to let out of your closet again.

RADIO

Lost in the supermarket....

Live from the Palace of Glittering Delights

It takes a whole lot of idiot for a film to inspire someone to travel to a different continent. Let it be known that TV Willy contains enough of said idiot. This film, Coppola’s second (after 1999’s The Virgin Suicides - “not enough flange and too much death”- TV Holly), allows Sofia to come into her own with this Oscar-winning tale of alienation in the Japanese nation (oi). Anyway, like a moth, it was the bright lights that attracted me to both the film and the country. I’ll let you know how it went next year if I haven’t been slashed to death by a samurai warrior. Lost In Translation comes out on June 23. Three days after I land at Narita Airport. Woohoo.

Music fans worry thee not, for salvation from Moyles is here at last. Yes the original northern DJ returns as Mark Radcliffe finally takes up residency on Radio 2 (Monday 10.30pm). Returning after a deserved break, but without fellow Manc Lard, Radcliffe promises to play all the records that Radio 1 wouldn’t let him play at 2pm (that’ll be more Ten Benson then). Monday sees Badly Drawn Boy pop in for a chat and live session, and with Supergrass following suit later in the week it’s looking like Mark will be back at his best in no time at all.

Enough about my holidays, also out soon is a watchable western from Kevin Costner, Open Range. Not really sure what happened to this at the cinema, as it only came out about a month ago, but it’s good. You can trust TV Willy on that. Just don’t buy any of those iffy looking gold watches he carries around in his satchel. Catch you later.

Since no one really reads this bit I’ll just mention a few legends who made the last four years in gair rhydd: Noel, Gemma C, Gates, Gemma J, Riath, Tristan, Alex, Cobley, Steve, Holly, Funboy, Mat, Maria and once again Amy. All the best you crazy fools. Peace out.

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Monday & Tuesday

June 7 - 23 2004

Page 17

Monday

ialwayswashandgo@tvjohn.co.uk

Reasons to Be Cheerful

American Sex

Wiggly Park

C4 3.40am

five 12.05am

C4 8.40am

Come Outside BBC2 9am

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Star Sale 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Houses Behaving Badly 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: The Wild Thornberrys 16.10 Rugrats 16.20 XperiMENTAL 16.35 Lizzie McGuire 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Boyd discovers Sky's real reason for changing her image, after she allows him to cop a feel and realizes she’s a bit “Nadia”. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru - Party of Wales 19.00 Cash in the Attic Glad this has gone prime-time. Alistair Appleton’s great. 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders Mo has high hopes for a new business venture after enrolling Mickey. Is she an idiot? That guy’s thicker than spunk in a cement mixer. 20.30 20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 21.00 Murphy's Law 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 The Royle Family 23.05 FILM: Shooting Fish *** I remember this: Indie schmindie soundtrack, implausible helium/horse racing plot. Brit-flick shite. 01.00 Sign Zone: Weird Nature 01.30 Sign Zone: Royal Millions 02.30 Sign Zone: Bailiffs 03.00 Sign Zone: Bailiffs 03.30 Sign Zone: Bailiffs Wow, the Mutt n’ Jeff must love bailiffs.

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Evolution: The Animated Series 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 SMart 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bob the Builder 08.40 Wiggly Park 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside Fnarrrrrrrr! 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Look and Read 10.50 BBC Primary History 11.10 Maths Challenge 11.25 Watch 11.40 Look and Read 12.00 BBC Primary Geography 12.10 Music Makers 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Hands Up! 13.30 Tennis from Queen's 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru - the Party of Wales 18.00 Get a New Life 19.00 The Cram 19.30 Combat Pilot 21.00 Britain Goes Wild with Bill Oddie 21.30 Dead Ringers Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.00 I Am Not an Animal 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Man Who Forged America 00.25 BBC Four on BBC Two: Artist at War: John Keane in the Middle East This reminds me of the episode of Blackadder where Edmund pretends that he can paint, and they paint elephants into a depiction of No Man’s Land. Haha! 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Talk Italian 1-6 02.30 Italy Inside Out 1-5 05.00 Jeremy Clarkson Meets the Neighbours 05.40 The Travel Show: Short Cuts 05.50 Sister Wendy's Grand Tour Pornographic puffy-lipped pussyfooter prats on about paint.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go Special 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Rosie and Jim 15.25 Engie Benjy 15.35 Kipper 15.50 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru - the Party of Wales Election broadcast. 19.00 Emmerdale Sadie can't resist coming between Charity and Debbie. Fnarr! I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to resist either! 19.30 Coronation Street Sarah's reaction to the funeral stuns her family. Feeling a turn of the munchies coming on, she has a good crunch on Billy-boy’s ashes. 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 A Line in the Sand Is worth two up the nose. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales Decides 2004...is the year after 2003. Well done Wales. 00.00 Trouble in Paradise 00.55 Building the Dream 01.20 Today with Des and Mel 02.10 Trisha 03.05 Entertainment Now! 03.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 03.55 Get Stuffed! Broadsheet schmoardsheet. I was expecting more work than this. 04.00 ITV Nightscreen The Cure song on this month’s Q CD sounds like the “speed up” music on Ready Steady Cook. Fact. It’s an acoustic version of The Forest, fact fans.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Spider-Man 07.30 Friends 08.00 Big Brother 09.00 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): Life Stuff: Looking after the Penneys 09.55 gcsEASE: Holiday Maker 10.20 What's this Channel 4? 10.45 Science in Focus 11.05 Teen Big Brother 11.35 Life Stuff: From the Top 12.00 Channel 4 News 12.30 Planed Plant (12.30-1.15): Ari Awyren 12.50 Miss Fach Ddrwg yn Mynd i Sgio 12.55 Ribidires 13.15 Beat the Nation 13.45 Beat the Nation 14.15 A Place in Greece 14.45 Up Your Street 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Mona y Fampir 16.25 Milltir 16.30 Hip Neu Sgip? 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru, The Party of Wales 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Selling Houses 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol gan Plaid Cymru 19.30 Newyddion 19.30 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Cystadleuaeth i Gantorion Cymreig The final of the Taffyvision song contest. I saw Euros from Gorky’s in Bute Park the other day. 22.30 Big Brother Get a haircut you stinking student, Stuart! 23.15 Solid Geometry 23.50 Big Brother's Efourum 00.25 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 00.55 Big Brother Live 02.40 Monster Garage 04.00 Schools: Sarah and Whammi 04.15 Rat-a-Tat-Tat 04.30 Book Box Poetry 04.40 Book Box Poetry 04.50 All About Us 05.05 Maths Mansion

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Make Way for Noddy 08.15 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.45 Franny's Feet 09.00 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 Monkey Makes 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the Heartbroken Bride ** 17.30 five news 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Scottish National Party 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Labour Party Election broadcast. 19.30 The Gadget Show 20.00 The Crashes that Changed Racing 21.00 FILM: Universal Soldier Directed by Roland Emmerich, of The Day After Tomorrow fame, which must be the only reason why they’re showing this more literally about the fifth time since I started doing TV listings. ** 23.00 Party Election Broadcast Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru. 23.05 Model Soldier Documentary about exBritish soldier Roberta Winterton, who was dismissed from the army for posing topless for a tabloid newspaper. Good old five. 00.05 American Sex Prudish stinking students being sprayed with water in the Florida Keys. Get horny! 01.00 NHL Ice Hockey: The Stanley Cup, Game 7 04.00 US PGA Golf: Memorial Tournament

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Little Angels 20.00 The Mighty Boosh 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 Interrogators What’s this? A programme on BBC Three I’ve no plans to watch? Surprise! 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Coupling 23.00 The Mighty Boosh 23.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three The presenter of this has the name of Justin Lee Collins, which I think makes him sound like he should either be making cakes, or writing Mills and Boon novels. 00.00 Monkey Dust 00.30 Nighty Night Awesome comedy. Strangely, it reminds me of One Foot In The Grave. Not just because it has Angus in it, but because, if you took Victor Meldrew, made him funny, and made him turn against the world, rather than the world turn against him, multiply his bitch factor by five thousand, and you have Nighty Night’s Jill. Ace. 01.00 Little Angels 01.30 The Mighty Boosh 02.00 The Mighty Boosh 02.30 The Third Degree 03.25 Strictly Come Dancing

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.00 Coronation Street 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 16.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.45 Movies Now 17.00 Coronation Street 17.30 Coronation Street 18.00 Emmerdale 18.30 Emmerdale Pollard is glad to see the back of Steph, as it means he can do her up the ass this week. Arf. 19.00 World Rally 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Airline D21.00 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions: Final Servings 22.00 Taxi Nights featuring Timmy Mallett and a lapdance. Unfortunately not in the same situation. 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 The Frank Skinner Show Prat. Get back to working with David Baddiel 00.20 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned Oh. Never mind. 00.50 Jerry Springer 01.40 Late Show with David Letterman 02.30 Teleshopping

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Mutant X 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Hijacked: Flight 285 ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Fear Factor 19.00 The Simpsons The hilarious Rear Window parody where Bart thinks Flanders has murdered his wife. “Hey Simpson - your epidermis is showing”. 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 22.00 Three Lions This week, Southampton legend goes to Las Vegas. Note how he’s being portrayed as a gambling ladies’ man every week. 23.00 South Park 23.30 How Gay Are You? 00.30 Star Trek: Voyager 01.30 Alias 02.20 The X Files 03.10 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 05.00 Cribs 05.10 The Nanny 05.35 The Nanny

06.00 Big Brother Live 15.00 Big Brother's Efourum 15.30 Big Brother 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If Sooz hits Jamie where it hurts. Alas, not Jamie “Full O’ Shit” Fullerton of Quench music desk ‘fame’. Although the idea of Sooz, with five colours in her hair, getting fisty with anyone is probably hilarious and should be watched by all. I remember when As If was all about freaky flashbacks and people throwing records around at parties. 18.00 Big Brother Live Watch as most of the housemates STILL don’t realise that Nadia is a man. I mean, have they not listened to her wobbly voice or noticed her Adam’s fucking apple, for Christ’s sake? I think he/she will keep it a secret for as long as possible, so we keep them in the house longer. It’s gotta come out one day... 19.00 Big Brother's Efourum 19.30 Big Brother Live 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 20.30 Friends 21.00 Faking It USA

07.00 Spider-Man 08.00 Big Brother 09.30 Schools 12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: The Westerner **** 14.45 Beat the Nation 16.00 Home from Home 16.30 A Place in the Sun 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Sounds of the Underground 20.00 God is Black 21.00 Secret History: Beasts of the Roman Games 22.00 Big Brother 22.45 Cathouse 2 02.40 Boss Swap Boss Hogg swaps places with Bruce Springsteen in the latest edition of the reality TV show. 03.40 Reasons to be Cheerful 03.50 The Fiver Thing 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Sarah & Whammi 4.15 Rat-ATat 4.30 Off with McGough 4.40 Poetry Attic Poncey stuffy-nosed excuse for art. I used to write poetry when I was at sixth form. Needless to say it was shocking, and included the words “conformity” and “culture”. Jesus. I’m only admitting this because it doesn’t matter, you’ll forget. Haha! 4.50 All About Us 5.05 Maths Mansion 5.15 Blue Dragon 5.45 Water, Moon, Candle, Tree and Sword. “Goblin’s, Master!”

Ace Lightning C4 5.45

Tuesday

Sister Wendy’s Grand Tour BBC2 5.50am

When Sex Goes Wrong Human Mutants: The History Hot Property C4 5.45 of Growth S4C 11.30pm five 9.25am

Monkey Makes five 9.20am

06.00 Breakfast 09.25 Now You're Talking! 09.50 Transit of Venus: Stardate 09.55 Star Sale 10.45 Cash in the Attic 11.15 Houses Behaving Badly 12.00 Transit of Venus: Stardate 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: The Wild Thornberrys 16.10 50/50 16.35 Ace Lightning 17.00 Really Wild Show. Michaela looks at the pros and cons of keeping big cats as pets. What cons? 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News Wales Today; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 19.00 Little Angels 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Posh Plumbers Documentary about three professionals trying to earn a plumbing qualification in order to give up their City jobs and change to a potentially lucrative career of unblocking drains. Now I’m not one to rush to anyone’s defence here, but seriously BBC1, you can do better than this. 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life: Detox or Die 23.50 FILM: The Corruptor The work of TV Holly scrutinised in true Hollywood fashion. *** 01.55 Sign Zone: Brassed Off Britain 02.25 02.25 Sign Zone: Safe as Houses 03.25 Sign Zone: New Servants

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Evolution: The Animated Series 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bob the Builder 08.40 Wiggly Park 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 BBC Primary Geography 10.40 BBC Primary Geography 10.50 English Express 11.10 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Numbertime 13.30 This Land 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Tennis from Queen's 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 18.00 Homes under the Hammer 19.00 The Cram 19.30 Hidden Treasure 20.00 Britain Goes Wild with Bill Oddie 21.00 Date Rape: Sex and Lies: Date Rape: Sex and Lies This is genuinely, it seems, what this programme is called. I suspect a typo, but then, BBC2 does love to go over the top with colons. 22.00 Yes, Minister 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Transit of Venus: Stardate Astrology on television. Get a life, man. Open your bloody door or window and look outside you lazy shits! Or better yet, go outside and go for a walk and enjoy the night air you pathetic twats. 00.20 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Geography - the World 2000 04.00 Geography: the World 2000 I’ve just been discussing the horrors of hay fever. I suffer from it badly, especially as it means all the make up smeared over my eyes ends up dripping down my face and I look like Gene Simmons, only more haggard. Ugh!

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go Special 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Boohbah 15.35 Hilltop Hospital 15.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 16.00 The Little Bang 16.05 The Quick Trick Show 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party Election broadcast. 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Airline 20.00 The Vault Awful pseudo-tense postMillionaire game show in which you have no sympathy with the losers and no support for the winners. A horrid, emotionless void of television. And it’s named after a Def Leppard song. 21.00 A Line in the Sand Quote controversial unquote drama pulled in the aftermath of September 11, because after all the atrocities of that fateful day had happened, ITV bosses felt the sight of Ross Kemp’s miserable sturgeon face and shiny, shiny slap, might just send people over the edge. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales Decides 2004 00.00 UEFA Stories “UEFA thin” more like. Enough to make Mr Creosote blow a gasket. 00.55 FILM: For Whom the Bell Tolls With Gary Cooper, who I originally thought was Gary Coleman, and was about to get very excited. Unfortunately not. **** 03.30 Today with Des and Mel 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 Spider-Man 07.20 Friends 07.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 08.15 Big Brother 09.00 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.30-12.00): Life Stuff: The A-Z of Drugs 09.55 gcsEASE: Holiday Maker 10.20 What's this Channel 4? 10.45 Science in Focus 11.05 Teen Big Brother 11.35 Life Stuff: From the Top 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.30-1.15): Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 12.40 Triongl 13.00 Y Brodyr Coala 13.15 Beat the Nation 13.45 The City Gardener Revisited 14.15 A Place in Greece 14.45 Up Your Street 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Dennis a Dannedd 16.25 Medabots 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Selling Houses 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol: Gan Lafur Cymru Election broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party. 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.30 Y Byd ar Bedwar 21.00 Oes y Cerrig: Bara Beunyddiol 22.00 Big Brother 22.45 Iechyd Da Drama 23.30 Human Mutants: The Mystery of Growth Car crash television alert. 00.30 NYPD Blue 01.25 Big Brother Live 02.20 Bollywood Star 04.00 Schools: Sarah and Whammi 04.15 Rat-a-Tat-Tat 04.30 Book Box Poetry 04.40 Book Box Poetry 04.50 All About Us 05.05 Maths Mansion 05.15 The Blue Dragon 05.30 Jack and the Beanstalk 05.45 Faith in Action

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Make Way for Noddy 08.15 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.45 Franny's Feet 09.00 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 Monkey Makes 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 five news update 15.40 FILM: A Father's Choice ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the 19.30 Conservative Party Election broadcast. 20.00 High Adventure: Surviving Denali 20.30 The Greatest Magic Tricks in the Universe... Ever 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.55 Death Scene Investigators: Sudden Death These programmes are great - fact. My parents and sister (who lives at home with my parents) do nothing all evening except watch these. They always have experts called Randy McTaggart, a cotton thread specialist from Indiana (who inevitably has more hair on his face than visible skin). The verdict is almost ALWAYS “first degree homicide”. Priceless. 23.55 Angel 00.50 Boxing: Fight of the Week 01.55 Triathlon: Tongyeong ITU World Cup 02.40 2004 European Under-21 Championships: Italy v Croatia, Group A 04.20 2004 European Under-21 Championships: Sweden v Portugal, Group B Bigger yobs than the senior team, fo’ sho’.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Little Angels 20.00 The Mighty Boosh 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Mighty Boosh 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 00.00 Nighty Night 00.30 Little Britain 01.00 Monkey Dust 01.30 Fucking Your Mum 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Nighty Night 03.00 Little Angels 03.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three Can I just say at this juncture, that BBC Three had better not become incredibly popular over the summer holidays, because when I’m writing next year, I have no intention whatsoever of writing about fucking Monkey Dust or Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps anymore, and will wipe the BBC Three listings once and for all! I mean honestly, if you’ve ever watched a single programme on BBC Three, let me know. One day, I’ll care.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 19.30 Emmerdale Secrets: Disasters 20.30 House of Horrors 21.00 New Homes from Hell 22.00 It's Good to Be... 22.30 Simon Cowell - American Idol 23.35 The Frank Skinner Show 00.25 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.55 Jerry Springer 01.30 Late Show with David Letterman 02.15 Teleshopping 03.45 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Fuck this shit. I URGE you, as good as on my knees, to go and buy any of Sufjan Stevens beautiful albums. And to Cassidy, who posted a copy of A Sun Came through my door the other day, I salute thee, and although I haven’t thanked you yet, thanks!

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Mutant X 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Sweet Deception *** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Fear Factor 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Tru Calling My friend once told me the singer from tedious US “rockers” The Calling was gay. They had a song called Adrienne which the record company altered the name of when they released it. The original title? Adrian. Anyone who knows the truth, email me. 21.00 Angel 22.00 Las Vegas 23.00 Scrubs 23.30 When Sex Goes Wrong The Bobby Jack Goodey / Harvey Price / Prince Michael Jr story. 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 The X Files 02.40 ER 03.30 Gamezville 04.20 The Nanny 04.45 The Nanny

06.00 Big Brother Live 15.10 Big Brother's Efourum 15.40 Big Brother 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Big Brother 19.00 Big Brother 19.30 Big Brother Live 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 20.30 Friends 21.00 Best Friends 21.30 Friends 22.00 Sex and the City 22.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 23.15 Big Brother Live It’s end of term, everyone’s brought their toys in to play with at TV Desk. I used to hate these days when I was at primary school. Everyone always used to bring in game boys and board games, and never let me play them. Boo! I did get a game on Tom Coote’s though, and HE had Bubble Bobble on it. I used to take in something my parents wouldn’t mind if I either lost, or broke, so a stinking old soft toy was my usual excitement. For more nostalgia, email me.

06.00 The Trap Door 06.55 Spider-Man 07.20 Friends 07.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 09.30 The A-Z of Drugs A is for Ankles, B is for Buttplug, C is for Creamy Little Boys D is for Dead Good Fun. E is for Ecstasy, unsurprisingly. 09.55 Holiday Maker. 10.20 What's This Channel 4?: Run UP 10.45 Science in Focus 11.35 From the Top 12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: The Rare Breed *** 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Home from Home 16.30 A Place in the Sun 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Sounds of the Underground 20.00 Selling Houses 20.30 The City Gardener Revisited 21.00 Bollywood Star 22.45 Who Got the Bay City Rollers' Millions? 23.50 Eurotrash 00.25 Big Brother Live 02.25 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 02.50 The Comedy Lab 03.15 Stargate SG-1 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Sarah & Whammi. 4.15 Rat-ATat. 4.30 Off with McGough. 4.40 Poetry. 4.50 All About Us. 5.05 Maths Mansion. 5.15 Blue Dragon. 5.30 Jack & the Beanstalk.

Wednesday&Thursday

Page 18

June 7 - 13 2004

Wednesday

it’smybirthdayandi’lldrinktillidie@liverdamage.com

Gay on the Cape

Cavegirl

Porc Peis Bach

BBC2 10pm

BBC1 4.45pm

S4C 8.25pm

C4 9pm

Aussie Antics five 9am

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Star Sale 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Houses Behaving Badly 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: The Wild Thornberrys 16.10 The Mummy 16.30 Fairly Odd Parents 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Lyn encourages Lori to relax into motherhood and fart on her sprog. That thing doesn’t look much like Connor, does it? 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 DIY SOS 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws Only Fools and Horses 20.00 Car Wars: Masters of Crime Ho ho ho, 21.00 what a clever listing! 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Belonging 23.05 Imagine... Sitting For Lucian Freud Well yes, just imagine. 00.05 FILM: Tremors 2: Aftershocks *** 02.00 Sign Zone: ONE Life 02.45 Sign Zone: Make Me Honest 03.45 Sign Zone: Houses Behaving Badly 04.15 Sign Zone: Panorama 04.55 Joins BBC News 24 Well, today is my birthday, so let’s hope I get lots of presents delivered to the office. And then I’ll get so drunk my head falls off. I can’t wait! I don’t know where I’m going yet, but if you are the person who sent me that love letter...

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Evolution: The Animated Series 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Really Wild Show 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bob the Builder 08.40 Wiggly Park 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 11.00 Landscape Mysteries 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 Tennis from Queen's 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Homes under the Hammer Would be pretty squashed. 19.00 The Cram Andy and I squeeze next to each other to bring you these listings. It’s Andy’s last ever GR - sob! 19.30 For Cod's Sake Really. 20.00 20.00 Britain Goes Wild with Bill Oddie They certainly do. 21.00 Jimmy's Farm Jimmy Tarbuck gets his fingers onto the carrots. 22.00 World Weddings: Gay on the Cape Well, wearing a cap is quite gay. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Julie Burchill: What Killed My Dad? Not me, I promise. 00.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Profile: Norman Borlaug 00.50 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Geography: World 2000/Living with Globalisation 04.00 Geography: France 2000 ...then you are very welcome to join me. I’ll be wearing crotchless knickers and lying in the street - I’m sure you’ll be able to find me. If not, I’ve just got a job in Abygale’s, so feel free to drop by...

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go Special 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Rosie and Jim 15.25 Engie Benjy 15.35 Kipper 15.50 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 16.00 Art Attack Mini Makes 16.10 Fingertips 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 I Want That House Well so do I, you cheeky cunt. It’s nearly time for me to move out and I still haven’t got anywhere to live. 17.30 Building the Dream I win the lottery and spend all my years writing TV listings troublefree... Actually that sounds quite horrible. 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Charity goes for Sadie, and quite rank lesbian action ensues. Debbie is a lonely figure at Christopher's christening, but it’s OK, she took her vibrator with her. 19.30 Coronation Street Bev does the dirty on Shelley. Anal fisting all round. 20.00 The Bill 21.00 FILM: Jurassic Park III Is it wrong that I fancy Sam Neill? Yes, says TV Andy conclusively. Maybe I should keep these things to myself. ** 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: Jurassic Park III The dramatic finale. ** 23.30 Trouble in Paradise 00.25 CD:UK Hotshots 00.50 The Joy of Decks 01.15 Undeclared 01.35 Take the Mike 02.05 Trisha 03.00 World Sport 03.25 Mixmasters 03.50 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 Spider-Man 07.20 Friends 07.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 08.15 Big Brother 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.30-12.00): Life Stuff: The A-Z of Drugs 09.55 gcsEASE: Holiday Maker 10.20 What's this Channel 4? 10.45 Rewind 11.05 Teen Big Brother 11.35 Arrows of Desire 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.30-1.15): Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 12.40 Mamemo 12.45 Tomos A'i Ffrindiau 12.55 Caffi Sali Mali 13.10 Trionglau Bach 13.15 Beat the Nation 13.45 Beat the Nation 14.15 A Place in Greece 14.45 Up Your Street 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.005.00): Nic a Peri 16.15 Tifi, Al a Rhods 16.30 Bord 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Selling Houses 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Sheryl feels guilty about meeting Garry. I’m not surprised - he’s probably riddled with diseases after Laura and Lynne. 20.25 Porc Peis Bach Right, I am not trying to be anti-Welsh or any such shit, but does that programme title mean ‘little pork pies’?! 21.00 Cefn Gwlad: Y Mynydd Du 22.00 Big Brother 22.50 Inside the Mind of Liza Minnelli Tapeworm. Antlers. Jacket potatoes. 23.50 10 Years Younger 00.20 Frasier 00.50 Big Brother's Efourum 01.20 Big Brother Live 03.00 FILM: Cabaret Gah, it doesn’t seem to matter which days I do, I keep getting creepy Liza. *****

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Make Way for Noddy 08.15 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.45 Franny's Feet 09.00 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 Monkey Makes 09.25 The Gadget Show 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Moment of Truth: Cult Rescue ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Dani’s lecturer visits her at home. Woo hoo! Is Seb hiding his true feelings for Jade? he’d better be - surely no one wants a pregnant troll of a shitter. 18.30 Family Affairs Concealing Mike's death puts pressure on Dave and Cheryl's relationship. Well, his dead body weighs a ton in their bed. They’d be better molesting him on the floor. 19.00 five news 19.30 Escape from...: Colditz 20.00 Blast Off! Danger in Space 21.00 The Shocking Family Secret: Stranger than Fiction Documentary examining the phenomenon of Genetic Sexual Attraction, which occurs when adults of the same family are separated at birth and then reunited. The programme follows a Spanish brother and sister who have gone on to have their own children. Presumably together, but we’re not sure. Incest: the family game for all to play. 22.00 Scream! The History of Anaesthetics 23.00 101 Most Shocking Moments in Entertainment 00.05 Tasteful TV 00.35 Major League Baseball Live

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Little Angels Kids are complete bastards. Get sterilised, quick! 20.00 The Mighty Boosh Howard and Vince embark on a jungle quest to find the man who can save the Zoo-Niverse from being sold by its owner. 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 FILM: Rambo III Sought out in a Buddhist monastery retreat, Rambo declines his former commander's request for help to deliver missiles to the Mujaheddin. But when his superior is captured and imprisoned, the hulking hero brings out the big guns. Oh, as the actor said to the bishop, etc. etc. ** 22.35 Bodies Gash about ill bodies, not porn ones. 23.35 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 00.05 Trauma on Three 00.35 The Mighty Boosh 01.05 Bodies 02.05 Little Angels 02.35 Trauma on Three 03.05 The Mighty Boosh 03.35 Strictly Come Dancing on Three

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street Les and Chesney get set to wow Janice. By organising a street slaughter, no doubt. 18.30 Emmerdale Ethan helps a doleful Debbie try to attend her brother's christening. ‘Helps’? Hmm. 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Ask a Silly Question Can dogs look up? 20.00 Simon Cowell - American Idol 21.00 American Idol: The Phenomenon 22.00 Coronation Street Les grasps the nettle when he takes on Leanne’s arse. But she got a sting, that one, oh yes. She had vindaloo last night. 22.30 George Clooney... Love Chain 23.00 Carmen Electra... Love Chain 23.30 The Frank Skinner Show

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Mutant X 10.00 The X Files 11.00 The X Files 12.00 FILM: Tornado Warning ** 13.40 Scrubs 14.10 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Tarzan 21.00 Extremely out of Control Aha, that’ll be me tonight then. 22.00 Three Lions 23.00 FILM: The Doors A wild ride through the life of rock legend Jim Morrison. Apparently, Val Kilmer is really good in this. And I thought his best film was Willow. *** 01.40 Star Trek: Voyager 02.35 The X Files 03.30 The X Files 04.20 The Nanny 04.45 The Nanny 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

06.00 Big Brother Live 15.10 Big Brother 15.40 Big Brother 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Big Brother Live 19.00 Big Brother's Efourum 19.30 Big Brother Live 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Friends 22.00 Sex and the City Carrie is unsettled by a chance encounter. Miranda is a wreck, and Charlotte's ex mother-in-law is trying to have her evicted. Nice. 22.45 Big Brother's Little Brother Jesus Christ, isn’t this on enough? No? Oh. 23.15 Big Brother Live Live and continuous coverage from the Big Brother house. Lucky. lucky you. Because you want to watch Marco wank, Kitten strop and the rest of them sleep, don’t you?

As S4C, except: 06.00 Grabbit the Rabbit 06.55 Spider-Man 07.20 Friends 07.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 The A-Z of Drugs 09.55 Holiday Maker 10.20 What's This Channel 4?: Consequences ??? 10.45 Rewind: Chart Hits 12.30 Grudge Match 12.45 FILM: Legend of the Lost *** 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Home from Home 16.30 A Place in the Sun 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Hollyoaks Craig talks to Darlene in a bid to find out why she is so upset. That herpes you gave her probably wasn’t the best start, mate. 19.00 Channel 4 19.55 Sounds of the Underground 20.00 How Clean Is Your House? 20.30 10 Years Younger 21.00 Born Too Soon I was premature, and I’m OK... 22.50 Frasier 23.20 Sex and the City 23.55 Sex and the City 00.30 Big Brother's Efourum 01.00 Big Brother Live 03.00 Bedsitcom More reality dross. 03.30 KOTV 03.55 Speedway 04.50 Vee-TV 05.20 Countdown Sadly not with Jeremy Beadle.

Fucking Your Mum on Three BBC3 3.50am

Thursday

Born Too Soon

Wiggly Park

Human Mutants

BBC2 8.40am

C4 9pm

Back in the Saddle S4C 11.20pm

The Best of Tarrant on TV ITV 10pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Star Sale 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Houses Behaving Badly 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: The Wild Thornberrys 16.10 Astro Boy 16.35 Kerching! 17.00 Short Change 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Jack offers to move back to New Zealand with Maddy and Lori - not surprising really, as he seems to do nothing in the programme. Apart from leer at Izzy, but who doesn’t? 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Open All Hours Gah, complete unnecessary evil. Like my sticky keyboard (don’t ask, just don’t). 19.30 EastEnders Alfie is forced to make a big decision. Look, mate, I’m sure Kat’s had it up the arse before. 20.00 The Big Impression Euro 2004 Special 20.30 Trauma Shitters moan about stupid accidents involving screwdrivers, gold earrings and pram wheels. 21.00 Silent Witness 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Silent Witness Again? Now that’s just self-indulgent. 23.35 Election Night Will you be voting? In a bid to remove ‘student apathy’, I might just haul myself out of my nice warm body-filled bed and make the token gesture. Maybe. If only this were the sort of country where you could vote for an ex-porn star... 02.35 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Evolution: The Animated Series 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bob the Builder 08.40 Wiggly Park 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Hands Up! 10.45 Hands Up! 11.00 The Way Things Work 11.15 The Way Things Work 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Tennis from Queen's 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Homes under the Hammer 19.00 The Cram I have such a fucking bad summer cold. How unfair is that? Ah well, unlike Jordan, green stuff’s only coming out of my nose. 19.30 Counties of Wales: Pembrokeshire Well, this looks fantastic! In other news, the person typing next to me is an absolute DEMON on the board. Wow. 20.00 Britain Goes Wild with Bill Oddie Stuff about deer - perhaps a snowflake on its eye that becomes pus. Sorry, Bill Bailey reference... I can’t help it, the man’s a legend. 21.00 Child Rescuers: This World 22.00 That Was the Week We Watched A focus on the week 25-31 October 1986. This is OK, but frankly Simon can do better. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 One Day of War: Frontlines 23.50 FILM: The Triple Echo Guff about something or other. I deleted the listing because it was inane and full of typos. Hey, let’s talk about fisting instead! *** 01.20 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Geography: Australia 2000 04.00 Geography Japan 2000/Brazil 2000

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go Special 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Boohbah 15.35 Hilltop Hospital 15.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 16.00 Globo Loco 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Sadie revels in watching Charity's fall from grace. Fnarr! Rodney is impressed by Donna's first day. The slut has only been there a hour and she’s already enjoying a nine-inch hard stick of meat more than her pay cheque. 19.30 Taffy's War 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Staff from Hell TV Desk, quite obviously. Although we’re actually being quite competent today - we might even finish soon! But it’s going to be so sad without TV Andy... wail! 22.00 The Best of Tarrant on TV The best? That’ll be loads of tit clips then. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week Bollocks to this shite to those in the know. 23.30 Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? I dunno - Hannibal Lecter? John Leslie? Jonathon Cainer? Or even Wacko himself? We could be here all day... 00.00 Vote 2004 - ITV News Election Special 02.00 The District 02.45 Strictly Soho 03.10 Cybernet 03.35 Motorsport UK 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Well I will recovering today after my birthday. The boys are planning ISS night. Yikes.

06.00 The Hoobs 06.25 The Hoobs 06.55 Spider-Man 07.20 Friends 07.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 08.15 Big Brother 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Schools: Life Stuff: The A-Z of Drugs 09.55 National Gallery 10.00 Cricket: Third Test: England v New Zealand 12.35 The Lunch Break 13.05 Cricket: Third Test: England v New Zealand 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother Dermot chats shit with some cunter. Will Kitten go? Do you care? 18.30 Home from Home Cunts with too much money flounce around. Bah. I want t buy a house. Hell, I could turn it into a brothel. Called TV Holly’s. Actually, that gives off the wrong impression... 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.20 Pobol y Cwm What will happen to Sara and Jason? I dunno - they’ll fisteachother to messy deaths? 20.25 Clwb Garddio A club dedicated to gaurdian angels. It’s a bit boring, to be fair. 21.00 Deiniolen: Pentra Ni! 21.30 Tipyn O Stad Heather is trying to contact Stud but he is out for revenge. Stud? STUD? Oh my god, what a twat. 22.00 Big Brother 22.50 W La La Ar yr Ia I don’t know what this means, but I’d hazard a guess at ‘felching and fisting a plenty in the Alps’. 23.20 Cathouse 2: Back in the Saddle Prossies mutter something about being very happy in their legal brothel, thank you. And wo can blame them? 00.20 Porn: A Family Business 00.55 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 01.25 Big Brother Live 03.30 Perfect Match New York 04.25 The PJs 04.50 The PJs Well I’ve got snot a-plenty.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Make Way for Noddy 08.15 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.45 Franny's Feet 09.00 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 Monkey Makes 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Gunsmoke: The Long Ride 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Will Colleen give in and continue her treatment? No, she likes the rotting flange look. 18.30 Family Affairs Sadie worries about her birthday party when she hears her cousin Ursula is invited. Worried she’ll steal the limelight from your putrid lips, are you? 19.00 five news 19.30 Tim Marlow on? 20.00 Kylie's Greatest Hits Limp attempt at soft porn, involving interviews with Ms Dynamite and Holly Valance. Hmm. 21.00 Kylie Up Close is actually a man. 22.00 FILM: One Night Stand Erotically charged tale of intense desire and marital infidelity. On a visit to a sick friend, a man meets and falls in love with a beautiful woman. A year later he discovers that the woman is married to his friend's brother. He soon finds himself locked in a desperate struggle against desire and temptation. Absolute gash with Wesley Snipes. *** 00.00 Portugal ? Who Are Ya? 00.45 International Football: Holland v Republic of Ireland 02.15 2004 European Under-21 Championships: Switzerland v Portugal, Group B 03.45 Argentinian Football 05.15 Argentinian Football Highlights

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Little Angels 20.00 The Mighty Boosh When animals begin to disappear from the zoo, Howard becomes determined to save the day. 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 21.00 Trauma on Three 21.30 Body Hits: Love Story What happens when you fall in love? You want to fist that someone senseless, that’s what. 22.00 EastEnders Sonia and Martin have to make up their minds. Well, I wouldn’t, but to be fair that Martin does look like an ogre. 22.30 Spy Chief for a Day Programme giving two people the chance to run MI5 on the day a suspected terrorist heads for Cardiff's Millennium Stadium. Oh really. Hmm. 23.25 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 23.55 Trauma on Three 00.25 Interrogators 01.25 Little Angels 01.55 Spy Chief for a Day 02.50 Trauma on Three 03.20 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 03.50 Fucking Your Mum on Three

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.45 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street Patrick's birthday erupts in a brawl and another gobsmacker for Les. Woo, that Patrick’s a big boy, isn’t he? 18.30 Emmerdale Donna tries her hand at the antiques trade - well, she is old and lonely. 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Dancing in the Street 20.00 George Clooney... Love Chain 20.30 Carmen Electra... Love Chain 21.00 FILM: GI Jane “Demi Moore does a Grant Mitchell.” * 23.20 The Frank Skinner Show 00.10 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.45 Jerry Springer 01.30 Late Show with David Letterman 02.15 Teleshopping 03.45 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Mutant X 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Cave In ** 13.40 Scrubs 14.10 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.00 The Simpsons When Bart is rushed into hospital, Lisa bumps into Bleeding Gums Murphy a once-famous saxophonist. 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 21.00 24 22.00 Cold Case 23.00 TV Years - 1991 Darling Buds of May and various evil... In 1991 I was grooving to Dizzy by Vic Reeves and the Wonderstuff and wearing baggy t-shirts and leggings. Nice. 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 Brainiac: Science Abuse 02.40 Gamezville 03.30 ER 04.20 The Nanny 04.45 The Nanny 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

06.00 Big Brother Live 15.10 Big Brother's Efourum 15.40 Big Brother 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Big Brother Live 19.00 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut Ooh, the interest. “What’s Nadia been doing in there all this time?” Cutting off her testicles with a pair of kitchen scissors, I’d bet. 19.30 Big Brother Live 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 20.30 Friends 21.00 My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance Starring Ben Affleck. 21.55 My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance Starring JLo. 22.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 23.15 Big Brother Live Well, this is fitting end to a despondent night of TV Desk. No Andy? Travesty! This means: less flange and no ginger beards in the office. It also means: me and John have no idea how to use the computers. Will’ll have to learn.

As S4C, except: 06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 Spider-Man 07.20 Friends 07.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 The A-Z of Drugs 09.55 National Gallery 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Hollyoaks Ellie visits Dan but is unnerved by his frosty reception. Looking forwars to a bit of soixante-neuf action, were you, El? 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 20.00 No Going Back 21.00 Human Mutants Evolutionary biologist Armand Leroi embarks on a journey into the world of human development as he queries exactly what it is to be normal. Lori and Reba Schappell are conjoined twins. Also on the programme is Tiffany Yorks, a teenager born with Sirenomelia, or mermaid syndrome, in which the legs are fused together. 22.50 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 23.20 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 23.55 Porn: A Family Business: Reunion 00.30 NYPD Blue 01.20 Big Brother Live 03.25 British Motorsport 04.00 F3 on 4 British Formula Three

Friday & Saturday

June 7 - 13 2004

Page 19

Saturday

Friday

endofabeautifulcareer@TVAndy.co.uk

Neighbours

Burn It

Gazza

BBC1 5.35pm

BBC3 0.30am

BBC1 11.30pm

Funky Valley five 7.35am

The Rape of Dr. Willis five 2.20am

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Star Sale 11.00 House Invaders 11.30 Houses Behaving Badly 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Wales Today: Lunchtime Election Special 13.55 Neighbours 14.20 Doctors 14.50 House Invaders 15.20 BBC News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Karl's relationship with Libby worsens. Well it’s only natural that he’d resort to banging his remaining female family member after Susan starts fucking all and sundry in the street. However the inflatable bondage suits and shackles were a bit much. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 A Question of Sport Oh goodie, an outake show. We get to see Ally finally giving Sue Barker a good rogering whilst Frankie Dettori admits he is actually a leprechaun and proceeds to bite everyone’s ankles. 19.30 Top of the Pops Tragic. 20.00 EastEnders An old friend arrives as the Square prepares for a wedding. Gaffney you horrible cunt - you’re so ugly only soaps can face your malformed bonce, Fuck back off to whichever hole you came from. 20.30 My Family Don’t watch these... 21.00 The Lenny Henry Show ...huge piles of... 21.30 French and Saunders Actually...shite. 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.30 BBC Three on BBC One: Gazza Expect falsies. 00.30 FILM: Carry On Emmanuelle Smut.

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Evolution: The Animated Series 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Short Change 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies 10.30 Magic Key 10.45 Watch 11.00 Music Makers 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 The Phil Silvers Show 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 Tennis from Queen's With Graham Norton and Marco from Big Brother. 18.00 My Wife and Kids Michael has some medical problems. Kady calls the police when she hears her mother screaming in the bedroom. If these two events aren’t mutually exclusive I’d imagine he’s got a huge wang. Speaking of noisy parents, I’ve just learned far too much about the sexual habits of my fellow writers’ families. The scars will last a lifetime. 18.20 My Wife and Kids 18.40 Malcolm in the Middle On a trip to the zoo, the family bump into one of Lois's old boyfriends and Malcolm and Dewey get trapped in a tiger pen. HOORAY decent evening telly at last. 19.00 The Cram 19.30 Hidden Gardens 20.00 Gardeners' World 21.00 Art of the Garden 22.00 QI With Alan Davies, John Sessions, Hugh Laurie and Danny Baker. 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland Jet, Toots and the Maytals, Donna Summer and Hope Of The States whose debut album I’ve just bagged. 00.40 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 01.10 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 02.00 BBC Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go Special 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Rosie and Jim 15.25 Tractor Tom 15.35 Kipper 15.50 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 16.00 Art Attack Mini Makes 16.05 How II 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Charity laments her treatment at the hands of Tom. FNARR. I thought the dirty little bitch liked it rough? 19.30 Coronation Street A guilt-ridden Bev confesses to Shelley as she gets caught borrowing her love-eggs. Steve's betrayal leaves Eileen reeling. Leanne finds her past has returned to haunt her in the form of a ghostly cock and balls. 20.00 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 20.30 Coronation Street Can Charlie sway Shelley's decision? Depends if she’s a caner or not. Maria gets a mauling courtesy of Leanne, the filthy skank. Steve wrangles with Eileen as he tries to make amends in the bedroom. 21.00 No Talent Required Managers Jonathan Shalit and Richard Connell take on the challenge of preparing two groups of musically challenged friends, attempting to prove that they can make anyone a star. What an apt title. 22.00 Fantasy Football: Euro 2004 Great. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Crimefighters UK

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 06.55 Spider-Man 07.20 Friends 07.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 08.15 Big Brother 09.00 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 09.30 Schools: Life Stuff: Winning the Mind Game 09.55 National Gallery 10.00 Cricket: Third Test: England v New Zealand 12.30 Newyddion Canlyniadau Etholiadau Lleol 2004 13.05 Cricket: Third Test: England v New Zealand 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Home from Home 19.00 Porc Peis Bach Kenneth and Arabella notice something unusual about their mother's behaviour during a family holiday near Lake Como in Italy. That’ll be the Rohypnol kicking in. 19.30 Newyddion News. 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Sheryl must make an important decision. Who will she choose - Garry or Darren? Or both? 20.25 Bob a'i Fam 21.00 Big Brother 21.30 How Clean Is Your House? Not very. 22.00 Big Brother First person to go? Got to be Kitten, the stupid munter. 22.30 Cinio Caru 23.15 Distraction I guiltily admit to enjoying last weeks edition where former Big Brother housemates were humiliated. Getting Cameron to shout “cunt, bitch, motherfucker” as they electrocuted him was particularly inspired. 23.45 Punk'd 00.15 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 00.45 Will and Grace 01.10 Big Brother's Efourum 01.40 Big Brother Live 03.00 King of the Hill 03.25 FILM: Five Easy Pieces Jack Nicholson classic. *****

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Make Way for Noddy 08.15 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.45 Franny's Feet 09.00 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 Monkey Makes 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Memory Bank 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 five news update 15.40 FILM: Final Run * 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Rhys and Beth worry for Dani's mental state after she stays up all night to watch Big Brother. Jade's secret admirer strikes again leaving her with spunk in her hair. 18.30 Family Affairs Sam is puzzled by Dave and Eileen's presence at Mike's flat. Hasn’t he heard of swinging? 19.00 five news 19.30 Great Escapes That woman who was running away from Stanton after Lash. 20.00 The World's 20 Best? 21.00 21.00 FILM: Just Cause Shite Sean Connery film. ** 23.00 Dumber and Dumber A drug-addled man speeds the wrong way down a motorway. That isn’t funny - it’s the stuff of nightmares. 23.30 The Gadget Show Entertainment show devoted to boys who love their toys. This week features Alex’s anal intruder. 00.00 FILM: A Breed Apart Crap film directed by the amazingly named H Gordon Boos. ** 01.35 The Shield 02.20 FILM: The Rape of Dr Willis The Bruce Willis buttfuck story. ** 03.50 FILM: Abroad with Two Yanks Story of a boy who could travel great distances by wanking. **

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Little Angels 20.00 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Bodies When another of Hurley's operations starts to go wrong a desperate Rob persuades Whitman to intervene. Everyone knows Liz can’t act, let alone perform surgery. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 EastEnders Revealed 23.00 Bodies As their relationship grows progressively more difficult Rob tries to persuade Hurley to admit to his bungled operation. The patient ended up in a brown furry suit with a camp voice. 00.00 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 00.30 Burn It 01.00 Grease Monkeys 01.30 The Practice 02.15 Trauma on Three 02.45 Trauma on Three 03.15 Strictly Come Dancing on Three

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street Bev does the dirty on Shelley. Corrie taking on a new scat direction I see. 18.30 Emmerdale Rodney is impressed by Donna's first day after 24 hours of the best blow jobs he’s ever had. 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 New Homes from Hell 21.30 Staff from Hell 22.30 Best of the Frank Skinner Show 23.05 The Best of Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 23.35 Coronation Street 00.05 Coronation Street 00.35 Fantasy Football: Euro 2004

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Mutant X 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.55 ER 11.50 FILM: Terror Peak ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer A witch attempts to eliminate Buffy from a cheerleading competition. Mmm Amy - they should have kept her in it. 19.00 Futurama 19.30 Futurama 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 World's Fastest Police Chases 22.05 FILM: Basic Instinct Gash (literally) thriller. **** 00.30 Las Vegas 01.25 Star Trek: Voyager 02.15 Alias 03.05 ER 03.55 Veronica's Closet 04.20 The Nanny 04.45 The Nanny 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

06.00 Big Brother Live 15.10 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 15.40 Big Brother 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If Jamie discovers there's another man in Sooz's life and decides to leave uni. 18.00 Big Brother Live 19.00 Big Brother's Efourum 19.30 Big Brother Live 20.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 20.30 Friends 21.00 Bollywood Star 22.00 Proper Bo Selecta! 22.30 Big Brother Live As you might have guessed this is my final TV Desk appearance (unless the monkeys my colleages can’t cope without me next year) and indeed the last thing I’ll write for this paper as I’m moving on to pastures new and Bristolian. It saddens me slightly that having spent four years writing music reviews some people will only remember me for writing rude and lewd words...

As S4C except: 06.55 Spider-Man 07.20 Friends 07.45 Big Brother's Little Brother 09.30 Winning the Mind Game 09.55 National Gallery 12.35 The Lunch Break 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Monster Garage 20.30 Friends 21.30 Will and Grace 22.30 Distraction 23.05 The Osbournes 23.35 Punk'd 00.00 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 00.30 Big Brother's Efourum 01.00 Headliners: Faithless 01.30 Big Brother Live 03.00 Do Over 03.30 Football: South American Championship 05.25 Countdown ..in the TV listings but maybe that’s the point and I’m going to be happy if I’m remembered at all. Particularly if it’s not for some of the antics I used to get up to at the wok...

Very Worst...Sports Disasters Sky One 11pm

Love Cheats From Hell

Otter and I

ITV2 8.40

C4 5.30am

06.00 Breakfast I’ll take 2 fried eggs, bacon and some sausages please. God - you can tell I’ve run out of ideas. At least you’ve only got half a page more of me whittering on. 09.30 In the Know 10.30 Trooping the Colour Realistically - who watches this? 12.15 BBC News; Weather 12.20 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 The Road to Athens 13.35 Jonah Lomu: The Big Interview I bet he’s a big baby really and is afraid of the dark. 13.50 Tennis from Queen's Liberace takes down Frankie Howerd. 16.30 Match of the Day Live: Euro 2004: Portugal v Greece FOOTBALL! YES! Awesome scenes, but probably a shite match. 19.05 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 19.30 Match of the Day Live: Euro 2004: Spain v Russia Another inspired opening match up kicks-off at 7.45. 21.50 The National Lottery Draws 21.55 BBC News; Weather 22.15 FILM: Ronin Above average thriller with Robert De Niro and Jean Reno and some chuffing awesome car chases. Shame Sean Bean’s character’s fucking awful. *** 00.10 FILM: The Substitute Action thriller about a mercenary soldier who goes undercover in a tough Miami school to avenge a savage attack on his teacher girlfriend and uncovers a complex drug-smuggling operation. Sounds terrible, don’t you all have parties to go to or something instead? *** 02.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 03.00 Match of the Day: Euro 2004 Highlights for insomniacs. 04.40 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Metalheads 07.15 Super Duper Sumos 07.35 Arthur 08.05 Fairly Odd Parents 08.30 The Saturday Show 10.00 The Mysti Show 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 See Hear 12.45 The Sky at Night 13.05 Big Screen Britain 13.15 Cagney and Lacey 14.00 Talking Movies 14.25 FILM: Northwest Frontier *** 16.30 The Flying Gardener 16.45 Flog It! 17.45 Trooping the Colour 2004 Highlights of this morning's military display in London, where the Queen's Colour was trooped in honour of Her Majesty's official birthday. What is it with the Queen having two birthdays? It doesn’t make any sense at all, unless she’s a greedy little so and so. 19.00 The Rise of the Celebrity Class: The New Establishment Four-part series about the cult of celebrity concludes with the story of how high society was hijacked by the new aristocrats, forcing the old aristocracy to embrace celebrity or die and how counter culture heroes such as Jagger and McCartney have become fully-paid up members of the establishment. A surprisingly watchable and amusing look at the nouveau riche cunts. 20.00 BBC Summer of Opera: Maria Callas: Living and Dying for Art and Love 21.00 A Rather English Marriage 22.40 Dead Ringers 23.10 FILM: Restoration *** 01.00 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Hotel Hilbert 02.30 The Birth of Liquid Crystals 03.00 Relative Risk: The Human Genome Project 03.50 Ever Wondered? 04.00 Open Advice - A Meeting of Minds

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 13.30 ITV News; Weather 13.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.40 Euro 2004 14.40 Speed Sunday: Le Mans Special 15.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 16.50 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.05 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.20 You've Been Framed! They complain about Bumfights, but this is ok is it?! 17.50 FILM: Dragonheart With Dennis Quaid and David Thewlis. David Thewlis is legendary in the new Harry Potter film - go watch that instead of this. ** 19.40 A Touch of Frost Just for a bit of variety. 21.45 80s Mania A celebration of the sights and sounds of the 1980s with live performances and archive footage. Hosted by Anita Dobson and Leslie Grantham with guests including the cast of Fame. Why not have your teeth pulled without anaesthetic instead of watching this, it’ll be more enjoyable. 22.45 ITV News 23.00 Euro 2004 Highlights 00.00 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Qualifying 01.15 Speed Sunday: Le Mans Special 02.00 Blank Screen 02.05 Euro 2004: Portugal v Greece 03.50 Blank Screen 03.55 Weapons of Mass Distraction 04.20 Blank Screen 04.25 Blank Screen Double Blank Screen what joy! 04.30 Entertainment Now! 04.55 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News This is the last time I’ll have to fill space in the ITV column as they can’t be bothered to put any programming worth commenting on. *a single tear slowly rolls down TV Andy’s cheek*

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 F3 on 4 07.25 Trans World Sport 08.25 International Athletics: The TDK Golden League: Bergen 08.55 The Morning Line 09.55 The Cricket Show 10.25 Cricket: Third Test: England v New Zealand 12.35 The Lunch Break 13.00 Test Cricket and Channel 4 Racing from York and Sandown Park 15.30 Cricket: Third Test: England v New Zealand 18.30 Grudge Match 18.45 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.00 Cefn Gwlad: Y Mynydd Du In the first of a new four-part series, Dai Jones visits farmers in the Black Mountain area of Carmarthenshire during the winter months. Sounds thrilling, really it does. 20.00 Goreuon Yr Urdd 2004 21.00 Tipyn O Stad Ceri has had enough of men after her recent experiences with Kev so starts muff diving for all she’s worth. Meanwhile, Heather catches Stud in the arms of another woman. I think the clue to the infidelity was in his name deary... 21.30 Big Brother 22.00 Who Got the Bay City Rollers' Millions? The makers of ridiculous scarves, huge flares and roller skates I’d imagine. 23.05 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Awstralia v Cymru 00.05 Eurotrash 00.35 Nokia Isle of Wight Festival Hopefully the spirit of Jimi will rise from the grave and vomit copiously over the festival goers and their shite taste in music. 01.40 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 02.15 Big Brother Live 04.05 British Motorsport

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Shake! 10.05 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.00 Beast Wars 11.30 Xcalibur 12.05 Zentrix 12.35 Beyblade 13.05 Stepping Up 13.35 The Chart 14.05 Dawson's Creek 15.00 FILM: Silver Streak *** 17.10 FILM: Time at the Top With Elisha “Ride me sideways” Cuthbert. With the help of a timetravelling lift a teenage girl endeavours to save her 19th century friend from poverty and make sure her mother doesn't marry her suspicious suitor. I’d be happy to get stuck in a lift with that perky minx. ** 18.55 Charmed 19.45 five news and sport 20.05 Martial Law Sammo and Terrell attempt to bust an illegal animal trading ring, only to become targets. Why? Are they secretly animals? The mind boggles. 21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 Law and Order 22.55 FILM: Loser With Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari. It says it all in the title. This is the film that gave us Wheatus - avoid at all costs.** 00.45 FILM: The Second Civil War Black comedy set in a futuristic United States. The governor of Idaho refuses to admit a plane load of Pakistani refugees, which leads to a confrontation with the president and the US army. The resulting conflict is televised by a news station, whose staff seek to manipulate events for sensationalist effect. Wtf? A bit of politics, ladies and gentlemen... *** 02.30 FILM: Crimes and Misdemeanors Excellent Woody Allen film with Martin Landau. **** 04.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.20 Cold War 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

19.00 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 20.00 Trauma on Three 20.30 The Mighty Boosh Howard and Vince embark on a jungle quest to find the man who can save the Zoo-Niverse from being sold by its owner, Dixon Bainbridge. I still don’t know if this is any good. Roll on it’s BBC2 debut. 21.00 Kingdom Hospital The evil spirit of a teenage boy wreaks havoc on the staff and patients of Kingdom Hospital. Fans of the original, much more impressive series will already be wondering WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE A SECOND GHOST DOING? KING, YOU ARE A PRIZE CUNT. 1.40 FILM: Dolores Claiborne With Kathy Bates and Jennifer Jason Leigh. The story of a woman accused of murder and the estranged daughter who begins to question her innocence. Thus proving my above point. **** 23.45 Bodies 00.45 Spine Chillers 01.15 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 02.10 The Mighty Boosh 02.40 Bodies 03.40 Spine Chillers

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.15 Quincy, ME 13.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.30 Entertainment Today 15.20 CD:UK 16.20 Sugababes in Profile ...might be slightly better looking. 16.50 Entertainment Today 17.40 Airline 18.10 Airline 18.40 Trouble in Paradise 19.40 No Talent Required Said the ITV programme producers job advert. 20.40 Love Cheats from Hell 21.45 FILM: The Quest Featuring the bizarre partnership of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Roger Moore. Van Damme also directs which explains why it’s utterly atrocious. ** 23.35 Club Reps Uncut Another set of uncircumcised reps get sent Ibiza to get stupid people drunk. 00.35 Jerry Springer 01.25 Teleshopping 02.55 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Being David Beckham Following Andy Harmer, a professional David Beckham lookalike, as he travels Japan to make guest appearances, performs with his band, and discusses his unusual career. What a fucking waste of time, money and life. 18.00 Tarzan 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Extremely out of Control 23.00 Very Worst...Sports Disasters 00.00 Angel 00.50 World Wrestling Entertainment:

06.00 Big Brother Live 13.45 Big Brother 14.15 Big Brother 14.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends Joey gets sacked for overacting in his new film role - as a stand-in for Al Pacino's bottom. Need I say more. 17.30 The OC 18.30 Big Brother Live 20.30 Friends 21.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind I pissed myself laughing though the entire Seance last week. Considering Derren kept telling the students that the whole thing was set up and the props,stories and footage were of a really poor quality, the sight of 12 people losing their minds over the concept of a little girl possessing some tart was hysterical. Well done Derren. 21.30 Big Brother Live 22.00 Infamous Fives 22.30 The Bronx Bunny Show 23.00 Little Friends 23.30 Big Brother Live And so I bid adieu to my faithful readers wishing you all the best as you suck on the teat of the capitalist war bastard, or leach off the state...

As S4C except: 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 In Search of Tony Blair 21.00 Big Brother 21.30 The 100 Greatest World Cup Moments A definitive countdown of the best moments from football's greatest tournament. With contributions from Bobby Charlton, Kenneth Wostenholme, Jurgen Klinsmann and Michael Owen. That’s my telly sorted for tonight then. 04.05 Off Centre 04.35 Jack and Jill 05.30 An Otter and I The Terry Nutkins love story. ...as you play Championship Manager all day. I’d like to thank TV John and TV Holly for being the best co-writers I could wish for and hope TV Will lives up to the high standard I’ve set. Big shouts out to Tristan for keeping this thing going, Alex for being effeminate and having some seriously dodgy music, Riath for being a trustworthy Arab and mad bastard and the ever gorgeous TV Amy who has kept me sane and happy for the last 16 months. I love you all. xxxx

No Talent Required ITV2 9.40pm

Loser five 10.55pm

Sunday

Page 20

June 7 - 13 2004

livingthedream@allrussianfinal.co.ru

Sunday

My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance E4 9pm

80s Mania ITV2 8pm

Braceface five 10.30pm

Am I Normal? Sky One 11.30pm

Michael five 9pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Call My Bluff 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 Keeping Up Appearances 13.30 EastEnders 15.25 Points of View 15.45 Songs of Praise 16.20 BBC News; Weather 16.45 Match of the Day Live: Euro 2004: Switzerland v Croatia Every two years it becomes possible to watch TV almost non-stop. Life is good. 19.00 Strictly Come Dancing Five couples/viewers left to watch this borefest. 20.00 Dalziel and Pascoe 21.30 Traffic Cops Special: Under Pressure Special edition of the documentary series following the traffic police. You’d have to be pretty quick to follow them, those Volvos get pretty bloody fast. Hah. 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Covering Up Investigation into Muslim identity in Britain. This new fangled broadsheet means I don’t have much room to insert “witty” comments. A nation mourns. 22.55 On Show 23.25 Match of the Day: Euro 2004: France v England Highlights of the match and other Group B games. The match was on this afternoon so if you don’t want to know the score look away now, England 2 France 1. Gazza Neville double and an own goal. 00.25 Men Behaving Badly Haven’t the England team just been on? Hopefully Kieron Dyer and John Terry will have been on their best behaviour for the match. Or in Dyer’s case on the bench. Or in the stand. Or on the floor crying in agony after a lunging tackle to the groin by William Gallas. What can I say? He’s overrated. 01.00 Rugby Union: England A v Canada 03.45 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Taz-Mania 07.20 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 10.55 Wildlife on Two 11.25 Sunday Grandstand 11.30 World Superbikes 12.50 MotoGP 13.50 Tennis from Queen's 15.30 World Superbikes 16.25 BBC Summer of Opera: Don Giovanni 19.00 The Boat Thought this had finished. German U-boat film. Sure it’s excellent. I’ve not been a great fan of German sailors since that incident in Portsmouth last year. 20.00 The Way We Went Wild Took a left, discarded our clothes, burnt them and let nature do the rest. 21.00 Election Night David Dimbleby with the results of the European elections. Follow the adventures of everyone’s favourite celebrity xenophobe (after Big Ron), Robert Kilroy-Silk as he fights for a place in the European parliament on behalf of the UK Independence Party. 22.00 Scrum V 23.00 Election Night A quick half hour on the aftermath of the elections. Talking about aftermaths, I had the worst hangover last week, ending up lying in the kitchen witha bag of peas on my head. It worked though. 23.30 Top Gear Despite the utter tediousness of the European election coverage at least it manages to delay the arrival of everyone’s favourite blazer-wearing prick till near midnight. 00.30 15 Storeys High 01.00 British Superbikes 01.45 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills in the Community: Raising Funds 03.00 Media Relations 04.00 Enterprising Ideas 05.00 What You Need to Know

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Fingertips 09.35 The Yuk Show 10.00 The Ark 10.30 St Jimmy's 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Waterfront 12.30 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.30 Speed Sunday: Le Mans Special 15.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 16.00 Antiques Auction 16.30 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 16.45 ITV News; Weather 17.00 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live 19.15 Euro 2004 Live: France v England Desmond Lynam presents live coverage of England's opening game. Where will you be watching it? I find it’s usually quite lucky if I watch it at my mate Jonathan’s. Anyone who wishes to join me can get in contact with him at 07816 575132. Kick-off at 7.45pm. Remind him he owes me about 15 quid. 22.00 Fantasy Football: Euro 2004 David Baddiel and Frank Skinner present their football chatshow in the aftermath of our defeat by France. No Jeff Astle though (sob). Lets hope it’s as funny as the last series for ITV, can’t be worse than Skinner And Baddiel Unplanned. 22.30 ITV News 22.45 The Unlikeliest Couples in Britain Not starring Billie and Chris Evans. Or me and Keira Knightley (as that is obviously very likely). 23.45 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Highlights. Probably lasting about 14 seconds. hopefully there might be a horrific crash or two. 00.45 Fantasy Football: Euro 2004 01.10 Euro 2004: France v England I think the high proportion of sport today is penance for me having to watch Coronation Street and EastEnders more than once last week. Hah. 02.50 Motorsport UK 03.15 Building the Dream 03.40 Painting the Stars 04.10 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 Football: South American Championship 07.00 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 07.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 10.00 Cricket: Third Test: England v New Zealand 12.35 The Lunch Break 13.05 Cricket: Third Test: England v New Zealand 18.30 Newyddion News. 18.35 Pobol y Cwm From the new subtitles and the TV ads this Welsh soap still looks as appealing as a night in with Fred Elliot. 20.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol Hymn singing from Llanelli with a man named Huw. Hmm. It’ll be disappointing to be back in Channel Four territory next week. 21.00 Iechyd Da Drama series about an environmental health team. I first discovered Iechyd Da in a static caravan in Pwhwelli when it was raining outside. Didn’t understand a word, but that never stopped me marrying that Vietnamese girl. 21.55 Manifesto Results from the European elections. I do politics and this still sounds wankalicious. 22.25 Big Brother Well this pissed me right off. I managed to endure two espisodes of Channel Four’s summer schedule filler. I did this for you people so I could fill a full broadsheet pages with witty incisive comments. Alas the space for said witty comments is smaller than normal and thus I must save them for the hundreds more hours devoted to these cretins on E4 and C4. 23.30 Big Brother's Little Brother 00.35 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 01.05 Nokia Isle of Wight Festival 02.05 Big Brother Live 03.45 Football: South American Championship Quick Willy, fill some space! In response to accusations of randomness on S4C column. Bread. Bagpipes. Pirates. Pilates. Overheads. More Pirates. Aftermath.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.35 Dappledown Farm 07.00 Rolie Polie Olie 07.25 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Make Way for Noddy 08.10 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.45 Franny's Feet 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Don't Blame the Koalas ...the wallabies told them to do that to the innocent little wombats. They don’t know any better the horny little marsupial buggers. 10.25 Make It Big 11.00 Morris 2274 11.15 Aliens among Us 11.30 Braceface My 13-year-old past returns to haunt me. Damn you documentary makers and offers of free Razzles in exchange for footage of my dishelleved face. 12.00 Rooted 12.35 Madonna and Child 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 FILM: RoboCop - the Future of Law Enforcement 15.25 FILM: Gold Always believe in your soul. 17.45 five news 17.55 FILM: Simon Birch With Joseph Mazello and Oliver Platt. The first of two films in a row with the name of a character as the name of the film. Others may include Buddy, starring Chesney Hawkes and Roger Daltry, the “loveable” Forrest Gump and...getting boring isn’t it. Anymore suggestions email to: tvwillyisabadmotherfucker@cardiff.ac.uk 21.00 FILM: Michael With John Travolta and Andie MacDowell Another Sunday night with John Travolta. Fucking ace. 22.00 FILM: Bloodsport With Jean-Claude Van Damme How many knobbing films are on five today. Hint for schedulers: if you are programming to take away the audience from Euro 2004, a Jean-Claude Van Damme film will not do the trick. 23.50 World's Wildest Police Videos 00.45 Major League Baseball

19.00 Liquid Assets: Jacko’s Millions Close friend of TV Wacko Jacko, has his money or lack of laid out for both of BBC3’s viewers to see. $2500 on Chupa Chups lollies and rohypnol? That’s odd. 20.00 Strictly Come Dancing 21.00 Bodies Naked and wriggling. Preferably warm. One can hope. 22.00 Coupling 22.30 The Mighty Boosh 23.00 Sex and the Settee A light hearted look at the world of light furnishings. I hate wriitng about Sundays on BBC Three. The Chain with my fellow Mancunian Mel Sykes (of and Des) makes more more compulsive viewing. This relevance of this to the above programme. Well, if you can’t see that then you must be really bloody stupid. 00.00 Strictly Come Dancing On Three 01.00 Trauma on Three 01.30 Love for Sale Here’s my final offer 50p: plus a bit of red liquorice and a Panini Euro 2004 sticker album.

09.25 American Idol: The Phenomenon 10.20 80s Mania 11.20 No Talent Required 12.20 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.15 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.55 Emmerdale Secrets: Disasters 19.00 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live Like you’re really going to turn over from the football to watch this. 19.40 Planet's Funniest Animals Champion the Wonder Horse aka Ruud van Nistelrooy. 20.00 80s Mania Dear God. Do the words ‘hosted by Leslie Grantham’ strike fear into anyone else’s hearts? 21.00 No Talent Required Another series of Pop Idol already? 22.00 It's Good to Be... Sharon Osbourne Drug-addled kids in rehab, husband in a near fatal quad bike crash. Cancer. I can’t imagine wanting to be anyone else more. Except maybe Michael Jackson. 22.30 Best of the Frank Skinner Show 23.00 The Best of Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 23.30 Fantasy Football 00.00 Jerry Springer

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Flaunt Fab 5 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Footballers' Pads 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 FILM: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit 22.00 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos Kirsty Gallacher introduces risque clips from her homemade porn videos. 22.30 Am I Normal? No, you goggle eyed freak. 23.30 Time Gentlemen 00.00 Mile High 01.00 World's Fastest Police Chases 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn

06.00 Big Brother Live 14.15 T4's Popbeach 2004 17.00 Friends 17.30 Big Brother Live More morphine nurse. 18.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 19.00 Big Brother Live 19.30 Bollywood Star 20.30 Friends Don’t panic, same episode as was on a mere three and a half hours ago. Monica, Thanksgiving, blah. You’ve seen it, I’ve seen it. Now go outside and play in the sun. You’ll regret not doing it when it’s raining in November. Lazy bastard. 21.00 My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance As filmed by my loving girlfriend in a few years. Too much pizza Willy. Too much damn pizza. 22.00 My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance Part 2: Willy refuses to change the channel as there is a fascinating documentary on sealife procreation. 22.50 Big Brother Live More live, uninterrupted footage. “Get the gun. No, barrel more to the temple. Now, next time Kitten speaks, push.”

06.00 Grabbit the Rabbit Now, I’m as big a fan of this animated claymation series as anyone but a massive twelve and a half hours of the stuff. Could be something to do with S4C. What does he grab anyway? 18.30 Channel 4 18.50 Friends 19.20 Friends 19.50 FILM: Tea with Mussolini With Cher and Judi Dench. 22.00 Big Brother Not sure as to why my friends found it a little funny that I find Nadia enticingly attractive. 23.05 Big Brother's Little Brother 00.10 Today at the Test 00.40 Nokia Isle of Wight Festival 01.45 Big Brother Live More live, uninterrupted footage from the house. 03.45 Football: South American Championship 05.45 Body Story Well, that’s it for another year of TV. I’ll be seeing you all next year. Until then I’ll leave you with a list of hot new cutting edge American bands; Train, Matchbox 20, The Calling, Goo Goo Dolls, Maroon 5 and Counting Crows. Rock on bro!

LOOKING FOR SUMMER WORK? If you’re short of cash and are looking for summer work, look no further. Unistaff Jobshop is open for most of the summer vacation (except 11-25 August). The Jobshop offers temporary and parttime jobs within the University, Students’ Union and outside through its agency Unistaff. We also advertise many parttime and temporary vacancies on behalf of local companies. If you would like to register, please come and see us on the ground floor of the Students’ Union (opposite the bookshop) bringing the following: Home students: NUS card and ONE of the following: National Insurance card OR passport OR birth certificate. International Students: NUS card and passport. Once registered, you will be eligible to take any work through the Jobshop and will receive free updates on new vacancies as they arise. More information on the types of work on offer is available on our website (cardiffstudents.com) or you can contact us on 029 20781535/536. Opening times during the summer vacation will be as follows: Monday-Friday 10am-4pm (closed for lunch 12.30-1.30pm).

Listings

June 7 2004

Page 21

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Tuesday08/06

Monday07/06

Mark Owen @ HMV Run along for this exclusive signing sometime in the morning... mysterious! Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots. No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11, £1.50 after. SOUL MOTION @ Moloko Heavy Funk, Raw Soul, Tamla Motown, Dancefloor Jazz, Boogaloo. Bar open till 2am,Cocktails £2.95, shots from £1, free entry. 8pm-2am Live @ BarflyYouth Movie Soundtrack Strategies + Big Joan + King Alexander £4 adv, doors 7.30pm Bounce @ Barfly Drum and bass. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS). Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Weekly open mic session hosted by Lemonsky 8-12.30 £1 from 9pm. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, metal, goth. Many years ago (somewhere in 198?), Cardiff University Rock Society started a small rock disco, but this is not their story. This is the story of what followed. As the Student Rock Night, by then called 'Powerhouse', wound down to obscurity, an alternative was spawned. This was, and is the Inferno. 9pm £2.50. 84 Charing Cross Road @ The New Theatre This tender, bittersweet comedy is the extraordinary true story of a vivacious New York writer and a London bookseller. Through their letters and passion for books, they share a remarkable transatlantic romance spanning 20 years; their friendship blossoming into love through their funny and often intimate correspondence. Their exchange of letters is not only a record of a passionate love story, but also a chronicle of an era from late 1940s post-war Britain to the 1960s of the Beatles. Tues - Sat. Evenings 7.30pm; Thursday & Saturday Matinees: 2.30pm Lunchtime Concert @ St. David’s Hall The Martinu Quartet specialises in the works of Czech composers.1pm £4 (NUS).

Fun Factory @ SU 9-2am. Free (NUS). Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry. Coordinated @ Amber Lounge New night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter. 7pm-11pm, £1 (NUS). Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Puerto Muerto . Desc . Lone Pine All the way from Chicago Puerto Muerto are married couple Tim Kelley (guitar) and Christa Meyer (drums + vocals). After releasing three albums, (one being a concept album about the life of a pirate) you still can't describe their sound, are they alt.country? Folk? Rock? or just plain weird. Check them out Clwb think you will be pleasantly surprised. 8pm £4. Welsh Singers Competition @ St. David’s Hall BBC National Orchestra of Wales. The winner of this competition will represent Wales in BBC Singer of the World in Cardiff 2005. Finalists are: sopranos Camilla Roberts, Cecilia Smiga, Fflur Wyn and tenor Mark Chaundy. Television cameras will be present. Due to broadcast coverage it is essential that the audience is seated by 7.25pm. Showcase 2004 @ Barfly The October Country + The Black Market Movement £4 So far an impressive array of talent has been demonstrated and media coverage is ever increasing. For those that don't know, Showcase 2004 is a weekly event at the Barfly which aims to showcase the best of local talent. Every band that enters get airplay on GTFM, local media coverage and a profile on new local music site flyscene.com to be launched next week. Every week there is a figure from the local music industry on hand to provide the Showcase bands with honest advice. At the end of the month the industry representative will elect a Band Of The Month who will then go on to play London Barfly.

Festival Special

hursday10/06 Wednesday09/06 T Enthusiasm @ Moloko Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon2:30pm. Free. Live @ Barfly Blade + DJ Tiger Styles + MC Respect BA £5 adv, doors 7pm Express @ Barfly 10pm-1am £3 (NUS) All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations Enough? 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS). Cheapskates @ Metros It may be a little dark cave but don’t let that put you off. This really is a legendary night...Go on, get yourself a musical education! Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code. 9pm-2am. Hang the DJ @ The Model Inn Bring your music and play it from 8 for the official pre- clwb warm up. Free entry Patua Dance Afro-Brazilain Dance Workshop @ Chapter Arts Centre Suitable for all abilities. 7.30-9pm £5 (NUS) Mutation @ O'Neill's Fresh dose of boshing techno and psyche-trance. Yuck. 9pm - 2am Club Night @ The Toucan Club- Booby-trap Records weekly club night. Feat. Kentucky AFC & Brave Captain, plus resident Booby DJs and simply everything else to do with loud explosions! £3.50 Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan The Toucan House band The Pockets play acoustic soul & hippy funk,Everything from Crosby Stills & Nash, Little Feat & the Beach Boys. A night dedicated to promoting acoustic bands and singer songwriters. 8pm-1am £3/£2

Hip-hop, D’nB, breaks. Drinks promotions all night. 9pm-2am. Free before 11, £1 after. Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am. Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes - pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm- 2am. Free. Live @ Barfly Amplifier + Hiding Place (Metal Hammer Tour) £4 adv, doors 7.30pm, Rocknight @ Barfly Classic rock night. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS). Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Weekly open mic. session hosted by Lemonsky. 8-2am £1 after 9pm Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska. Uprising has put reggae firmly back on Cardiff's musical agenda. Selectors Reno, Truth and Candyman, supported by DJs Ruben and Grumps, keep the Thursday night crowd bubbling, spinning the hottest Jamaican import 7'' alongside classic selections from the 70s, 80s and 90s. 10pm. £3. Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach KALD . Elemental . The Voices. Since their inception in 1999, KALD have followed a fiercely independent path. Blending the pulsing rhythms of techno with skyscraping guitars, unforgettable pop hooks and skewed lyrical concerns, they make a convincing case for being the most singular band on the planet. Since signing to Rasp Records in 2001, the band have released three EPs and the LP The Hedges Are Smiling, all the while building their fanbase through non-stop gigging. Support will come from Elemental and ace Cardiff band The Voices. (who seem to get everywhere!) 8pm £4. Antidote @ Clwb Ifor Bach "Good times for open minds." Beats, brakes, funk, soul, disco, house, brokenbeat, nujazz, hiphop. 9pm £3/2.50.

Friday11/06

Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am. Full Fat @ Moloko Funk,Hip-hop, Breakbeats, Motown, Retro Disco +Electro Boogie + retro vid's & visuals. free entry B4 11pm. Open til 2am. Live @ Barfly Gonga £5 adv, doors 7.30pm SUMO @ Clwb Ifor Bach SUMO's come a long way already this year and the punters keep coming back for more! This month the Cardiff breaks crew welcome the Freestylers and their trademark bassline business. With the 'Raw as Fuck' album waiting in the wings, the 'Stylers are guaranteed to rock. Chico Fresco, Jamie Flukes and Invisbl are on warm-up duties this month, and ZeroZero keep the vibe alive in Room 2. 10pm £7. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. The Dudes was born from a bunch of music lovers who took their passion for vinyl hunting and put their dusty fingers to good use behind the turntables in Clwb Ifor Bach. The result is Cardiff's most treasured clubnight - a lo-fi humble offering of obscurities, rarities, and those records you just never hear on a night out, blended with the big tunes that stand the test of time. Classic Stone Roses next to Spanky Wilson. The Beta Band next to Skip Bifferty. It attracts an extraordinary clientele made up of musicians and music lovers, writers and enthusiasts, and those in need of something a little bit special. The weekend starts here. 10pm. £3. Live @ The Toucan DJ Delores & his 7 piece band direct from Brazil- DJD, winner of the Radio 3 World Music awards, performs his unique infectious mix of traditional Brazilian Rhythms and live electronic dance music! 10pm £3.

grab!

Saturday12/06

Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco. 10:30pm. Free with flyer. £1 after 11 with flyer. Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm. Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro. 9pm-3am. The weekend alternative @ The Engine Rooms every two weeks! Retro, cheese, indie, funk, britpop, disco, rock, dance, electro and MORE...! 9 pm till 2 am. 80p a double + mixer! £3.50 (NUS) Shuttle Buses running after the club into the city centre. £1 per person. Mothership Funk Convention @ The Toucan presents Layton Jones with the residents. Cardiff’s own Funk-Soul legend returns to ‘git on the goodfoot!’ Plus DJ Lions on the decks. Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Resident DJ’s Ahmer & Kris Jenkins 6pm-2am FREE b4 10pm/£3.50 Willy Russell And Tim Firth @ The Sherman Fans of films Calendar Girls and Shirley Valentine are in for a treat at the Sherman. Writers Willy Russell and Tim Firth, are staging an ‘audience with’ evening: In Other Words. The evening will see the pair perform excerpts from their films and plays, and songs from their albums. 7.30pm. £15. £10 (NUS) Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach. Trademark . Piney Gir . The Vanities are a three-piece in lab coats! With not a guitar in sight they will be touring to support new album Trademark Want More out on Truck Records on June 14. Fellow Truck signing Piney Gir will be second on the bill, to woo you. 8pm £5. Moxie Plenty @ Clwb Ifor Bach Presenting No Wax alt . punkfunk . electro . pop Moxie Plenty presents No Wax a night of MP3 only music. When the pubs kick out, Moxie Plenty kicks off. A short sharp shock of all that's on the edge of leftfield. Underground clubbing is back. 11.30pm £4/3

Sunday13/06 Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Drink while you think @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7.30. £3 per team. What a crap name. And no more cash prizes. Boo. Taboo@ Moloko World music till midnight. Free entry. Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free entry. Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Acoustic open mic. sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen. Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm. Live @ Barfly Drive Like You Stole It + For Knives Leave Scars + Forever And A Day £4 adv doors 6pm – 10pm The Ken Dodd Happiness Show @ St. David’s Hall The face that launched a thousand quips invites you to join in this celebration of laughter. Honoured by the British Comedy Awards with a Lifetime Achievement Award, Ken’s contribution to comedy is legendary. Share his wonderful gift for humour in this sensational live show. Be very afraid. 7pm £12, £14, £16.

Festival Special

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Lose your festival Virginity!

I

t’s time to dust off your ‘ironic’ circus hat, stuff your pockets full of wetwipes and convince your gullible mates that liquid ecstasy is really ace as the festivals are here again. One of the recommended highlights this summer is the awesome lineup offered by the mighty double-headed beast that is Virgin Mobile’s V Festival, which takes place on 21 and 22 August. Granted, in the past the festival has been home to such musical no-hopers as Texas, Space and Toploader, and has had accusations of being a dadrock festival flung at it from discerning musiclovers. But in recent years the festival, which takes place at Weston Park in Staffordshire and Hylands Park in Chelmsford, has got a harder edge with the likes of Queens of the Stone Age, Foo Fighters and the Distillers playing at last year’s event. It seems there’s something for everyone this year. The 2004 lineup includes such legends as The Pixies and Primal Scream, some opportunities for air guitar thanks to Muse and Jet, a little pop disguised as rock/urban music from Pink and Big Brovaz respectively, and for the MOR, dinner-party loving types Dido will be bringing her blandathon to town, backed up by the jazz twiddlings of Jamie Cullum and the rabid whining of Starsailor. Despite my bitter rock snob-

bery, V is one of the cleanest, safest festivals you will find without heading out of the country, and I wasn’t kidding when I said everyone will find something they like. Which is handy because Virgin Mobile LOUDER is giving you the chance to win not one, but two pairs of tickets to the Chelmsford leg of this year’s festival as part of the gair rhydd festival special. On top of this ludicrously generous offer, we’ve also got two rare Charlatans vinyls to give to two runners up so you can enjoy them in the comfort of your own bedroom. Of course we can’t go handing out such a top-notch prize to just anyone – which is why we’ve devised a fiendish quiz based around Virgin Mobile’s V festival, and the bands playing at this year’s event – to sort out the hardrocking wheat from the Dido-loving chaff. The two entries with the most correct answers each win themselves a pair of tickets to see The Strokes, Muse and co, with the two runners up bagging those Charlatans vinyls (which, like those compilation CDs on TV, are not available in any shops).

The quiz has three rounds: the easy round, the band ID round, and the blisteringly difficult round, plus of course, the tiebreaker. Enjoy. THE EASY ROUND 1. Who were the two headliners of the 1999 V festival? 2. What does the V stand for? 3. True or false - Lite-rock crooner Alanis Morissette and Canadian boredom merchants Nickelback both played at the 2002 festival? 4. Who are the sponsors of the second stage at this year’s festival? 5. The Pixies are playing this year’s festival – what’s the name of their recently released Best Of..?

THE BAND ID ROUND The five numbered pictures below are all of bands playing at this year’s festival, but due to some kind of unthinkable editing nightmare, some parts of the photos have been obscured. We need you to name all five bands.

THE BLISTERINGLY DIFFICULT ROUND 1. Why is it weird that Dido is one of the official headliners (and no, it isn’t because she sucks)? 2. Which three bands that played at the 2002 festival are named after animals? 3. Which band at this year’s festival said their reason for playing it was that it was the “only festival they hadn’t already played”? 4. On the official festival website, www.vfestival.com, do they say their bar prices are akin to: a)Off-licence prices b)Last year’s festival prices or c) London bar prices? 5. True or false? The official website states that there are ‘many more good than bad people at V’, and that you should ‘leave your tent untidy’.

THE TIEBREAKER Send your answers, along with the tiebraker, to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk by June 15th. Include your name, address, contact number, and your favourite sandwich spread.

AFTER-SHOW PARTY (formerly Post-match Analysis)

Complete this sentence for us: ‘If I didn’t get to go to the V festival this year, I would probably…’ By the way, even if you’re a musical retard and fail to enter, Virgin Mobile LOUDER nights are on regularly at Cardiff Barfly, featuring the best new live music, so check listings and sign up for alerts at www.virginmobilelouder.com. They’ll even update you on the festival too – how kind of them.

Congratulations to De Dao who wins herself a pair of tickets to Thorpe Park.; Alys Southwood wins the V ‘ ’ goodies; John Widdop wins the New Found Glory gear; and the Miss Selfridge vouchers go to Alex Barkley... all winners will be notified by email when their prizes are ready for collection. hopefully before the end of term.. so farewell from grab for this year. . it’s been emotional.

Matt’s Problem Page

Page 22

June 7 2004

grproblempage@cf.ac.uk: Because you probably can’t hold this paper

Problem of the Week

Lecturer Love Dear Matt, I have a problem, and I fear that only you can help. It's this lecturer you see. I think you know what I am going to say. I have waged war with another girl on my course, as both of us are totally in love with the same prof (although I love him more than she does). Normally I am not afraid of a bit of stiff competition, but this girl seems to be more cunning than I would originally have given her credit for. So I have three dilemmas... firstly, when would be the best time to make my move? Actually on graduation day, or shall I go and see him shortly after to ask him out? What if she gets in there first? Secondly, are there any rules about lecturers dating ex-students? Because ethically I don't consider it to be a problem. And finally, how can I guarantee success? I have been waiting for this since the first year and I don't think I could handle the disappointment of failure at the last hurdle. Over the course of this year I feel I have become very close to you, Problem Page Matt,

A Poem Dear Matt, I have an exam-related question that has nothing to do with the actual exams. I finish my last exam soon and I have no idea how my friends and I should celebrate. Some have suggested going to the pub at lunchtime, drinking all day and then clubbing it but I thought that maybe you could come up with something more fun? Could you? Lance, second year No. I can write you a poem if you want though. OK. Here we go. One day there was a guy who finished his exams, which may have involved pi. He wasn’t sure what to do because his housemates were preoccupied with pooh. Drinking all day was an idea, but it was tantamount to being impaled with a spear. Which

your sage advice has saved me on many occasions, but now I am asking you directly, please, please help me. Also, I think he has a girlfriend - what's the etiquette surrounding me hideously disfiguring her so he dumps her? From Someone You Don’t Know When it comes to meticulously planned disfigurement, there is no etiquette. You just walk over with a vial of acid and waffle it in her face. Care must be taken to prevent self-harm, but if you’re off your tits on something then it won’t hurt too much. I’m glad I was of some service, but you see, when it comes to girls and boys I don’t know anything but jump-cables and car batteries. I think that’s why my mum left home. Maybe that’s why my advice is so enlightened. Or maybe why it doesn’t involve contraception and few tabs of methadone. No good for the posture, that stuff. You really believe lecturers believe in ethics? Knowing that they’ve been employed to teach a bunch of plebeians that just paid several thousand pounds to sit in a room and draw penises on each other’s work? I can only hope that this lecturer is worthy of such attention. I can only was slightly queer. Pubs sounded surreptitious but he realised this was fictitious, and thus he had a bit of a sit down on the loo (for a poo), which was vicious. Occasionally upon checking his watch he decided the day must pick up a notch, so decided to make a cocktail which was followed (outside at least) by a storm of hail. The wind was such that he may have been able to sail. Eventually, the club sounded good, so he rallied his buds, and went. In the club he had a drink that was the same dirty colour as the kitchen sink. Good fortune that day meant he looked hot, whereas normally he might not, and a rather impressively attractive young lady took it upon herself to pinch his bott. He jumped with delight, she shat herself in fright, and although trying as he might, she had taken flight. The night was in full swing, with a bevy of cocktails under each wing, and the chap’s mouth was starting to sing. His voice was crap, and made his friends want to

guarantee success on the grounds of your bra-postioning and visible cleavage. It’s that or a hate campaign against the competition. Them silly hats you have to wear at graduation may impede your prowess as a lecturer snare - so I’d wait at least a few hours so that you have an opportunity to remove it. As for rules, I’d have to be conscientious and highlight that sometimes such affairs receive critical acclaim from academic circles, because they all store their experiences in these articles about culture and things. I found some on the internet once. I suspect this to be the case with your target – and thus Rules Of Engagement only require two variable assets: Your cleavage and his voluptuous cranium. These can of course, be interchangeable, but this may result in some kind of er… eye haemorrhage. I’m not sure about the biology of a skull-boob. Or what I actually just wrote. Blackmail also presents itself as somewhat valuable, but then right now anything that faintly resembles a decent fucking sentence would be valuable. Just kiss his nipples and tell him you like his face. All shall be resolved at the stroke of a hand (or thigh). Matt give him a slap, which made him snap, putting one of them in an unceremonious nap. This was frowned upon by the bouncer, who was at least a seventeen thousand ouncer, and the chap was kicked briskly through the door, culminating in a messy heap upon the floor. Taxis were razzing about, and despite his best efforts to shout, he’d had sustained quite a clout. Eventually he got to his feet, which was sort of neat, and he quite logically fancied a bite to eat. The kebab was not a kebab, it was a burger bap, which didn’t rhyme, and thus I have committed a small crime. After his burgers he was suffering from something vaguely similar to Asperger’s. His friends catching up, and his face full of filthy ketchup, the chap dictated that his mind was made up. It was bedtime. Which concludes my line(s). Matt

Paintball Dear Matt, At the end of the month I am going paintballing with my mum and her co-employees at the bank where she works. It’s an employees and friends/partner/relative day. The trouble is the sides are the bank vs friends and this will most likely result in me having to shoot my own MUM! I really love her and don’t want to hurt her, but I am very competitive and I want to win. Faced with this dilemma what shall I do? (By the way this is true, and not made up to sound funny.) Someone, year and course withheld Loan me the gun, and I shall endeavour to critically injure

Lost Little Man Dear Matt, I've always upheld the belief that you should treat others in the same way as you'd like others to treat yourself. After a post nightclub experience I find this life philosophy to be complete bollocks when no one else reciprocates. In this instance, an attractive girl (who I don't wish to name but if you think of Channel 5's warrior princess... oh shit sorry have I said too much?!) and a guy, who I'd just found to be homer sexual (sic), asked me to join them on their walk home. As they were friends of my flatmate, I wilfully agreed in good faith that they'd be decent people. As it happened they were two of the rudest, most obnoxious people I've ever encountered; numerous unprovoked insults were made about my appearance in particular. What pisses me off is that this woman (who must I add wasn't inflicted with characteristic townie stupidity and importantly hadn't 'scored' that night) clearly had this inbred mindset that because she just so happened to be appealing to the eye, it gave her some god-given right to make offensive remarks about how I looked and further more to think that I would find this acceptable.

her before she steps foot on the terrain. That way I get some enjoyment out of hearing a middle-aged woman fall over in agony, and can tell people paintballing is alright really. Bit silly mind, because it doesn’t exactly make superlative banging noises, and when you shoot someone their arms don’t fall off or anything. I’m a polite chap when I have a paintball weapon though, none of this swearing. I remember when I went with school and everyone bought a smoke grenade because we wanted to be soldiers, then proceeded to throw them ALL in the same place. So we ended up shooting everything, including our teacher, who didn’t seem to be so impressed. The Byker Grove stigma is still attached though, I bet the stewards get awfully cross every time some funny fucker deems it necessary to

scream in a Geordie manner and then get shot in the eyes. Therefore, there isn’t much of a dilemma, because your mother will have been eliminated from all proceedings by my fair hand. I’ll choose a nice colour to smoke her with though. Maybe a little pastel green, sort out her varicose veins by popping them open eh? Plus I can hold her at ransom to clear my overdraft whilst sounding all clever because I shot a bank worker in the abdomen with a high velocity CO2 powered paintball gun. Speaking of guns, if you can identify every single one of Phil’s victims and email me the list, I’ll sort out a small prize. It might be nothing spectacular, but then that’s how it is.

The second protagonist had a similar attitude, thinking that because he was gay it gave him licence to be derisive about how I looked. Now I'm thinking that all attractive women and homer sexuals (sic) are thoughtless, egotistical vermin so can you please assure me that this university is not rife with such abhorrent pre-Madonnas (sic)? (Specifically, homer sexuals (sic) who have this delusional sense of higher social standing amongst men and good-looking girls who are so far up their own muffs that they've discovered a whole new arousal zone to self-satisfy.)

blame Sex And The City for women hating men, and then you write in a letter to someone who doesn’t have a clue what to say bar meaningless violence for a bit of a giggle. Leading questions about "egotistical vermin" don’t leave me much to suggest, because what you’ve done there is undermine your argument by being just as shallow. Shopping at Topman doesn’t constitute a "townie mentality". You can’t presume my politeness will follow such assertions. You’re far too astute to notice though, right? Just like you call the gay person a "homer sexual"(I assume a stab at wit, although you could just be a meff). That’s not what you do if you’re trying to garner respect. If you want to do that then you should do something manly to make yourself feel better. Better still, be a fucking metrosexual. That way you’ll suddenly become a beautiful blossom of social popularity. You can have thousands of friends you know, if you wear concealer on your spots. And if you’re lucky, you’ll get complimented on how moisturised your skin is. Yes, there are shit people living and breathing today, and yes, you’re going to have to accept it.

Anon, second year I suppose the straight fellow doesn’t have much to do these days. Fighting is about the extent to which you’re allowed to prove yourself. That, and drinking. What you’ve got to do is reject everything, and base your identity on what you’re not. However, you can’t throw accusations at the entire student demographic because a couple of people put you down a little – but then you can’t abide it because if you do then you’re still the average-looking-pint-swallowingweight-lifting-bloke. So what happens when social acceptances shift, is that people who were once some kind of stable, suddenly become ostracised for being plain. So you get all fresh and start being homophobic, and

Matt

Conversely, kick her in the biff and push her over a wall. ‘Wench’ works just fine right there. Matt

So, a one-off broadsheet format to celebrate the end of the academic year. A rather rotund edition of Phil-bumming venomous twaddle about the problems of everything and everyone, ever. I’m taking emails for the next year henceforth – if you want to be kind to me then pop a few words in and you’ll have a big phat Phil-filled answer in September. The prospect of which, I’m sure, fills you with glee. I’m polite like that. So there we are. Have a nice holiday/graduation/overdraft-refilling-adventure and all being well I shall see you next year, providing something horrible doesn’t eat my hands. Toodles.

One

day Phil had had enough, and went on a bit of a Metro-hunt. On his travels he came across several other pan-faced grinning thespians, and duly carried their heads home in a rather inoffensive trailer. His McDonalds going cold, Phil decided to chainsaw Andrew Hayden-Smith’s face off, because quite clearly, he had been resurrected following their previous altercation. Then Phil decided he should probably mow down the little child from Harry Potter, because in a few years he would not be worth anything anyway, and he was going a bit Metro. Phil’s tractor was delightfully yellow you know. Only you can’t see that.

Handy Tip of the Week If you want, you are quite welcome to recall my first ever page for this paper. It wasn’t very good. At all. Nevertheless, I decided it would be a fitting gimmick to recap all the handy tips I ever jizzed on this poor, unsuspecting column. Even if I’m not a real columnist. So, in a spastic fit of nostalgia, and in some semblance of order, off we go: Don’t slag off the Matrix sequels (even if in hindsight they are a bit plop), don’t litter the roads (even though you still do), draw a penis on your local bus stop (scraped the barrel a bit there didn’t we Matthew?), give some money to a homeless person (even though I didn’t), stop saying random, and understand that being cool isn’t as cool as not being cool, even though that makes you…cool. Shake peoples’ hands properly, wipe down the toilet seat if you’ve wazzed on it, ignore politics – they’re gay, admire my beautiful wheelchair train instead. Don’t drum with your top off, don’t smile when you walk down the road, and don’t shout at my house. Don’t believe a superstitious person, ever – they’re sinister, and almost certainly lying. Finally, I spouted something about loving everything and revising. That was probably a lie though. There we are then. Apologies (and a rather spiffy thank you) to Tristan for swearing too much, and thankyou to Miss JJ for getting my arse out of my mouth, and then Jim for telling me to pipe down sometimes. Same goes to my housemates and chaps for inspiring most of my rants by being fuckers, and yet wonderfully nice. Then there’s all of everyone that ever emailed me, because it’s you that makes me feel magnificent about myself. Julian, especially, even if he is an emo cigarette thief. Live music. That’s cool isn’t it? Bit of a riff there, bit of a two-bar fill there. Stomp your heels and nod your fringe about like you know what music is, and dance anyway, because live music is cool. Don’t neglect to think that pentatonic scales make you get fresh, and if you want you can do the horns. Tap away to the shit you’re watching, and you can be a scene kid with an angry face. Doesn’t matter that you don’t know what autonomy is, because your best friends can persuade you that an atonal din is cool. If you’re extra cool you can draw some crosses on your wrists and punch people that drink. Don’t you forget now, because you can always eat some lollipops in a 4/4 fashion whilst the baggy tramp on stage tells you that George Bush isn’t cool in a manner that makes those feet tap a little more. It’s OK that the riff you’re punching the air to was written in three minutes. Mong. Then you can go home and discuss your cool points with your comrades, because you managed to pit for six minutes without losing a pissing shoe. You know who you are, and you know that you’re a fraudulent street-punk motherfucker. So kindly stop jumping on it, and me, and go home.

Martin, mate, we all know you’re stealing Edd’s orange squash without asking him. Remedy this or face eviction. Or learn to put the orange juice back in its proper place in the cupboard. Or even better, ask nicely. Mwah.

beard T V A N DY: with ginger

AJ: the Op-Ed dictato r

K E R RY : l oves her han dbag

NICOLA, ALEX, JOHN: faces, funnier dances f u n ny

cake T I M : l i ked the cheese

PHOTOS: Gemma Griffiths, AJ Silvers, Maria Thomas, Anna Hodgekiss

A N T : wa s n ’t expecting Riath’s strip show

ach other’s rocks TRISTAN AND ALEX: e

gair rhydd

ANNA: meets lemon LINDSAY, HANNAH, PERRI: G R’s own 3 a m G i rl s GEMMA, A N A : used to the other side of the being on camera

ting, bad at TRISTA N : good at edi smoking

THE GINGER TOTEM: bies, strippers , n ew l s c aabour

L-R: Sex pest, closet case, weird we e kende r, fister

20032004

, just N: still standing MARIA AND JOH

R I AT H : a soppy roman tic at hear t

Leigh wa s n ’t as keen g r a b b i n g c o n t e s t a s J o n t h e a rs e anine and Gar y

ike a gay ALEX: how to dance l

ome e long-awaited threes NEWS: Considering th

Sometimes the press ure all got too much

RESULTS: The Students’ Union is looking to revamp CardiffStudents.com so that it lives up to the high standards we expect in our other services. The design needs to illustrate a layout and theme of the SU website that can be uploaded as a CSS style sheet and it needs to use standard features that are accessible by all browsers. The website can utilise more then one style sheet - if you don’t know what that means, don’t worry. We’re looking for ideas and good graphics more than technical know-how.

Rules The winner will not only receive £200 and a certificate – but the longer lasting achievement of seeing their website design become the virtual home of 20,000 Cardiff students. There are two runner-up prizes of £50 each.

entries in the top five. We will endeavour to give feedback on all entries, but if time prevents us from doing so please accept our apologies now. You will be informed by email if you have been shortlisted and if you have won. The copyright for the design will pass to the Cardiff Students’ Union Ltd once an entry has been sent.

There is no limit to the number of designs Produce a 72 pixels per inch jpeg (800 that any student can produce, and poten- pixels wide by 600 high), and send it to greditor@cardiff.ac.uk tially a student could have a number of

We will produce a shortlist of five designs, and these will be presented on the website over the summer. Users of CardiffStudents.com will decide our winner by a vote in July. The design must include: - Text sub menu - News ticker - Spaces for two adverts: 1 @ 468x60 and 1 @ 120x600 The site should not be too flash heavy.

Sport

“Apologies are due to Sport’s Editor Riath, last week’s article was a spoof and he was on leave for the issue”

David Williams looks ahead to Euro 2004

Endurance record for Canoeing

Page 25

Back

JUNE 7 2004

They think it’s all over...it is now! DEPUTY SPORTS EDITORS JOHN STANTON AND THOM AIRS REFLECT UPON ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL YEAR IN SPORT OCTOBER October marked the beginning of another year of university sport, as BUSA competitions began and the IMG leagues kicked off in earnest, despite considerable controversy and accusations of unfair treatment. As the Athletic Union launched its ‘Get Your Kit On’

Did you know? The Athletic Union serves 4,000 sportsmen and women in 55 different clubs, of which 14 compete in the BUSA. campaign, aimed at guarding the treasured Wednesday afternoon of sport, IMG chair Beca Murphy was besieged with complaints from teams excluded from this year’s competitions due to huge demand for places. Despite the initial problems, fixtures went ahead as planned and proved to be a sign of things to come. Eventual netball champions Pharmacy ‘A’ sent out a warning to the rest of the league as they demolished SOCSI 24-2, while football champions elect Law ‘A’ started as they were to continue with a 2-0 defeat of The George. With team trials complete and squads established, the BUSA season began with the netball, football and rugby teams all involved in local confrontations against rivals from the other Cardiff institutions. In what was expected to be a crucial encounter, archrivals Cardiff Medics brushed aside Cardiff University 1st XV rugby with a comfortable 24-5 victory and injected a dose of reality to the team’s expectations for the season. More local pride was sacrificed as the netball 1sts succumbed 52-25 to UWIC. Cardiff 1st XI football did manage to secure local bragging rights as they demolished the Medics 4-1, despite falling behind within minutes of the season’s kick off. Captain Matt Kay led by example as he scored the equaliser which was to propel his team to victory. Quote of the Month: ‘Up until the Sports Fair, I was pretty confident that the next year would run smoothly without any incidents or too much hassle to deal with.’ (Beca Murphy, IMG Chair) NOVEMBER As fallen leaves lined the football pitches of Pontcanna, November brought about rising temperatures in the IMG. FC Real’s fractious encounter with Carbs ‘A’ provided gair rhydd sport with a memorable back page image. After an incidentpacked match, Real’s Martin Evans celebrated his side’s

comeback with a provocative two-finger salute that marked the arrival of the grit and industry that typified the 2003/04 campaign. Away from waist-high tackles and pond-like goalmouths, the cream of the University’s sportsmen and women received confirmation of their Bursary awards in November and the men’s football team surged to the top of the table with a hard-fought 2-1 win against Hartpury College. The oval ball provided lowscoring drama at the beginning of the month as an injury-hit first team beat Swansea institute 6-3. Two weeks later the first XV continued their impressive start to the season with an excellent 33-24 win against UWE Bristol. Smaller sports teams provided further winter cheer as the women’s tennis team showed imperious form and the women’s cricket team confounded the Welsh drizzle and shortening days with a dose of indoor cricket as we headed towards the final month of 2003. Quote of the Month: ‘I’d love to have a go in the IMG, just to prove that women can play.’ (Emma Jones, Women’s AFC) DECEMBER With exams and the Christmas holidays approaching, a relatively quiet sporting month was enlivened by the AU Slave Auction in Solus, involving members from a vast array of sporting disciplines selling themselves shamelessly for the benefit of the Athletic Union. AU president Tom Brown proclaimed the night a huge success. In a month where resident sports monkey Ben Wright went kickboxing and lived to tell the tale, the main focus of attention was the impending title challenge emerging after the football 1st XI crushed Aberystwyth 4-1 to leave them needing just a victory in their final game at Hartpury College to clinch the title. Quote of the Month: ‘My shoulders are aching, I’ve had to c a r r y Rabjohns all season.’ (Si Green, Men’s AFC)

Clockwise from top left: Eddy Ellaby on the crest of a wave, Martin Evans of FC Real, Cardiff crash in Varsity match, Chris Taylor receives Wales call-up tion, holding their nerve in a 4924 demolition of UWE Bristol that crowned the first XV as champions of BUSA South West One. Further good news for Cardiff University rugby broke in the second month of the year as AU President Tom Brown predicted that the proposed merger of the University and UWCM would create an egg-chasing "Super team".

excelled in February with rowers Rachel Banfield and Raoul Tufnell, in only his fifth month on the water, picking up gold medals at the Welsh Indoor Rowing Championships. Quote of the Month: ‘I wish it was Champ Man and I could just turn my PC off and start again because I know we should’ve beaten them (Paul Avery, Men’s AFC) MARCH

three IMG competitions My shoulders All reached their climax in March and there was no shortage of are aching, excitement and intrigue. I’ve had to While Pharmacy ‘A’ won the netball premier division at a cancarry Rabjohns ter, events weren’t quite so straightforward as Pontcanna all season. saw football controversy and the

Si Green, Men’s AFC

FEBRUARY For the Men’s football team the joys of spring seemed a long way off in February as they agonisingly missed out on promotion with a 2-1 defeat against Hartpury. Needing only a draw to top the table, Cardiff lost out despite taking an early lead. Spring sprung in favour of the men’s rugby team as they faired much better in a similar situa-

Despite prophecies of future glory, the here-and-now of University rugby was filled with disappointment at the end of the month as Swansea regained South Wales bragging rights with victory in the Varsity game. An early sending off was an indicator of things to come as Cardiff eventually went down 25-11. High-profile defeat aside, many of Cardiff’s sportspeople

or a text service so I set it up. I made it mandatory that people had to register on the website if they wanted to be a member of the AU. I think it was a huge step forward and perhaps the biggest achievement of my year in office. Exactly what I had in mind wasn’t completely achieved but that was solely down to a lack of time.” While improved communications have clearly benefited all involved with the AU, Brown also believes that his work may help attract prospective students to Cardiff, “If I were a student looking to come to university then the easiest way to research my choice would be to look on the internet. When you log on to the AU section of the website and see photos of people enjoying themselves then it makes you think that you may want to come to this university. The way that sport can now be viewed on the website is helping to attract people to Cardiff.” Brown’s enthusiasm for his role and the dedication with which he

has carried out his duties are clear, yet he readily admits that his tenure has been overshadowed somewhat by restrictions imposed upon him by others, “The hardest aspect is the political side of things when you feel hindered and have to overcome hurdles. Common sense seems to go out of the window with some people sometimes. “ The worst part of my job is where people have agendas. I go in wanting the greater good and yet you feel hindered by people trying to achieve their own goals rather than actually working together for the good of the whole process.” While Cardiff’s recent ascent towards the summit of the Times academic league table is commendable, Brown is keen that the university fulfils its wider potential, “Cardiff is renowned as a world class academic university, so trying to make the university believe that sport goes hand in hand with that academic life – as has been the case at Bath – is quite

biased refereeing from those involved in the heat of the battle. Despite suggestions that his own team had been involved in

I wish it was Champ Man and I could just turn my PC off and start again.

Paul Avery, Men’s AFC

closest conclusion to a rugby season ever witnessed in the history of IMG. As Momed threatened to storm away with football’s Premiership, Mathletico Madrid blew the title race wide open with a 5-3 win which meant a three way fight for supremacy, also involving Law ‘A’, was underway with the season approaching its climax. Law ‘A’ would eventually be crowned champions amid allegations of corruption, 60 minute halves and

such underhand behaviour, Momed manager Neil Mantell was clearly reeling and the season finale had left a sour taste in his mouth, ‘People have been cheating left, right and centre. This is a tainted victory for the Law boys.’ Just a few yards away, drama was unfolding on the rugby field as SAWSA and Carbs ‘A’ could not be separated at the top of the table as the season reached its conclusion. This remarkable situation required a play-off and, unsurprisingly, the match was a tight affair with SAWSA clinching the title thanks to a 15-13 victory. In BUSA, Cardiff University 1st XV were eliminated from

a struggle. I’d love to see things head that way but I think that’s just the way history has been – change doesn’t come about easily, especially within universities.’ Brown’s manifesto pledged to attempt to improve Cardiff’s BUSA standings, something that has been achieved despite certain circumstances not always being conducive to sporting excellence, “We are a very highly ranked

sporting university considering the resources we have. We are competing against the big guns without having the same resources as them. We are only notches away from overtaking the Scottish Institute for Sport in Stirling. As soon as we reach the top ten we will start to be renowned for sporting excellence as Bath and UWIC currently are.” Not only do Cardiff’s sports-

The National BUSA Shield after a disappointing 26-10 defeat, again at the hands of Cardiff Medics. Cardiff ’s rowing team achieved outstanding success and did the university proud as they defeated the Welsh national team in the Head of the Taff race. In a month that also saw Ben Wright conclude that women might be better than men at football, gair rhydd’s Sports Editor David Williams scooped exclusive interviews with Wales’ Ryder Cup golfer Phillip Price and cycling world champion and Olympic medal hopeful Nicole Cooke. Quote of the month: ‘The day football’s Law ‘A’ joined Pharmacy netball team as the cream of IMG will be remembered as the day Pontcanna met Sarajevo and good sportsmanship was killed in the cross-fire.’ (Sports Editor Riath AlSamarrai’s over-dramatic reaction to the IMG controversy)

BUSA Championships. Opponents Bristol proved too strong as they denied Cardiff a fifth title in six years. Controversy marked the opening of the cricket season as AWOL umpires meant that Cardiff were docked vital points against Southampton. By the end of the month BUSA had stepped in and saved the University’s batters and bowlers from relegation despite some indifferent form.

At the end of May

Did you know?

Cardiff’s BUSA ranking was an impressive 12th. This improves on last year’s 16th and the 20thplaced finish of 2001/2002.

MAY The football and rugby teams hung up their boots in May as they surrendered centre-stage to waterpolo and cricket. As reported in gr 761 the Uni’s highly-successful waterpolo team sank to a 14-11 defeat in the

While a senior sports writer revealed his love for bare-chested footballers, Cardiff’s men’s hockey team revelled in cup glory, taking home both the Welsh Universities’ Shield and Cup during a single action-packed week. Quote of the Month: ‘I’m disappointed beecause I know we are capable of playing better than we did.’ (Charlie Hinder, Men’s Waterpolo)

people suffer from a comparative lack of funding, Brown also highlights a dearth of facilities as a contributing factor in the uphill struggle to propel Cardiff to the next sporting level, “Water polo haven’t even got a pool. We probably have the worst facilities for the sport in the whole of the UK, yet we’ve been the highest ranked team for the last seven years. Players are attracted to Cardiff because people know that they can come here and compete at the highest level while also obtaining a very good degree.” Brown does, however, concede that prospective students are often attracted to Cardiff because of the sporting success of near neighbours and fierce rivals UWIC, yet claims that ‘success breeds success’ and thus an influx of talent to Cardiff as a whole can only act as a catalyst for the sporting development of all. While it has clearly been traumatic at times, Brown is keen to highlight the merger between

Cardiff University and UWCM as a window of opportunity for sport at the two institutions. Where Cardiff suffers, suggests Brown, is in the absence of sports related academic courses which are commonplace at the top sporting universities such as Loughborough, Bath and UWIC, “As a result of the merger we will now have schools of health and life sciences, as well as the related areas such as physiotherapy. The merger will definitely help us to introduce sports science degrees, amongst others.” Formerly second best dry slope skier in the world, Brown is fully aware of what is required to achieve sporting success. His year in office has been devoted to advancing the cause of all AU members and clubs, while also striving to promote Cardiff as not only a world class academic institution but as a university which combines academic and sporting excellence and one which can attract sporting stars of the future.

Brown knows bureaucracy is barrier to AU success By John Stanton

I

n a turbulent year in which he has felt hindered by political processes and personal agendas, Tom Brown’s tenure as Athletic Union president will surely be seen as an overwhelming success, as he has sought to overcome these obstacles and advance Cardiff’s growing reputation as an institution of sporting excellence. The former European champion skier has overseen many noteworthy achievements during his year of office, not least the revolutionary use of communication between the AU and its members, “One of my manifesto goals was to sort out IT without actually having too much technical knowledge, simply knowing its power and the possibilities that better communication provide. “The new communication service is purely down to what I’ve put in. The union didn’t have an email

Sport

June 7 2004

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1960 - SOVIET UNION 1964 - SPAIN 1968 - ITALY 1972 - WEST GERMANY 1976 - CZECHOSLOVAKIA 1980 - WEST GERMANY 1984 - FRANCE 1988 -

Who will emerge as the winners and claim Euro glory ? David Williams looks ahead to Euro 2004 Spain The perennial underachievers go into the tournament with enough potential to win but, as always, most people will be wondering if the Spanish will blow it, as they always seem to do. Prediction: Quarter-final. Star man: Raul. (left) Greece Despite losing their first two qualifying matches to Spain and Ukraine, the Greeks have gone 15 matches unbeaten since German Otto Rehhagel took over. Prediction: First round. Star man: Stelios.

GROUP A

Portugal Semi-finalists last time round, the Portugese will be hoping to go one step better infront of their own supporters. Coach Luiz Felipe Scolari has created his own squad with the abundance of talented youngsters. Prediction: Semi-final. Star man: Luis Figo.

France With arguably the two best players in the world, the French look odds on to successfully defend their crown. Although, like at the World Cup, they can blow hot and cold, depending what mood they are in. Prediction: Winners. Star man: Thierry Henry. (right) Switzerland Will find life very difficult in group B, however, they only lost one match in qualifying in a group that included Russia and the Republic of Ireland. Prediction: First round. Star man: Hakan Yakin. England Unlike two years ago, England have an almost fully fit squad to choose from that should have enough quality to improve on Euro 2000. Prediction: Quarter-final. Star man: Steven Gerrard.

Russia Their home form in qualification shows that they have the potential in their team to hit the back of the net, but just as in major tournaments gone by, they also have the propensity to under perform on the big stage. Prediction: First round. Star man: Marat Izmailov.

Croatia With nearly all of their older players now retired, Croatia, although having several up and coming youngsters will find it hard to emulate their run to the quarter-finals in 1996. Prediction: First round. Star man: Dado Prso.

Italy Probably the unluckiest team in any major championships, they will have pin-ups Totti and Del Piero to supply the ammunition for Vieri. With the easiest of draws, they should progress to the latter stages. Not spectacular but effective in what they do. Prediction: Semi-finals. Star man: Allesandro

Holland The nearly men of world football should do well in Portugal despite being in the toughest group. After failing in front of their own supporters four years ago, and with the squad they have, they could just miss out again. Their previous lack of team unity could be their downfall. Prediction: Runners-up. Star man: Ruud van Nistelrooy. (below)

Bulgaria Haven’t really recovered since their exploits ten years ago at the World Cup when Stoichkov and Balakov ruled the roost. Like Croatia, their glory days are behind them but coach Markov has turned them around and could have a chance of progressing. Prediction: First round. Star man: Dimitar Berbatov. Denmark A very underrated team, the Danes have a number of players who could cause trouble for defences, but the squad look unable to repeat the glory of 1992. In an open group they have every chance of reaching the next round. Prediction: Quarter-final. Star man: Ebbe Sand.

GROUP C

GROUP B

Sweden With Henrik Larsson coming out of retirement and Freddie Ljungberg in midfield, Sweden still don’t have the quality to cause any upsets. They rely firmly on teamwork to get them through tournaments. Prediction: First round. Star man: Henrik Larsson.

Germany Still coming to terms with recent upheavals despite reaching the World Cup final they face a tough group and could fail to qualify. But if anyone can go through a tournament without playing well it’s the Germans. Coach Rudi Voller will have to hope Michael Ballack returns to form. Prediction: First round. Star man: Kevin Kuranyi.

Bessa Seculo XXI Stadium Group A Greece v Spain June 16, 5pm Group D Latvia v Germany June 19, 5pm Group C Denmark v Sweden June 22, 7.45pm Municipal de Brage Stadium Group C Bulgaria v Denmark June 18, 5pm Group D Holland v Latvia

D Alfonso Henrigues Stadium Group C Denmark v Italy June 14, 5pm Group C Italy v Bulgaria June 22, 7.45pm Municipal de Aveiro Stadium Group D Czech Republic v Latvia June 15, 5pm Group D Holland v Czech Republic June 19, 7.45pm Municipal de Coimbra Stadium

Group B England v Switzerland June 17, 5pm Group B Switzerland v France June21, 7.45pm

Czech Republic Runners-up in ’96, the Czechs have a number of playmakers although their defence is always suspect. Should make it through the group of death. Prediction: Quarter-final. Star man: Pavel Nedved. Latvia Have made incredible improvements since they were formed and did well to qualify but will do even better to score in their three group games, but could upset one of the big guns. Will rely on form they showed to beat Turkey in the play-offs.

DR Magalhaes Pessoa Stadium Group B Switzerland v Croatia June 13, 5pm Group B Croatia v France June17, 7.45pm Dragao Stadium Group A Portugal v Greece June 12, 5pm

Group D Germany v Holland June 15, 7.45pm Group C Italy v Sweden June 18, 7.45pm Quarter-final 4 1st group D v 2nd group C June 27, 7.45pm Semi-final 2 Winner QF 2 v Winner QF 4 July 1, 7.45pm Algarve Stadium Group A Spain v Russia June 12, 7.45pm Group A Russia v Greece

June 20, 7.45pm Quarter-final 3 1st group C v 2nd group D June 26, 7.45pm Alvalade XXI Stadium Group C Sweden v Bulgaria June 14, 7.45pm Group A Spain v Portugal June 20, 7.45pm Group D Germany v Czech Republic June 23, 7.45pm Quarter-final 2 1st group B v 2nd group A June 25, 7.45pm Semi-final

GROUP D

Winner QF 1 v Winner QF 3 June 30, 7.45pm

In the last ever Weird Weekend our man plunges into the deep-end with the waterpolo team

The knee-jerk reaction would be to label me a "big girl’s blouse" for worrying about a sport that is surely just volleyball in the water. Right? Nope. There are cats out there with less fear of water than me, and the worry factor was not only increased by the prospect of looking more stupid than Andrew Caldicott at a mosque, but the irrational fear that I was going to my watery grave. I always wanted to be a journalist, but I wanted to write the headlines not make them. Pictures of ‘Student Journo drowns in bizarre waterpolo accident’ were pinballing around my brain. But I’d already wimped out once already. The previous week I

was supposed to go training with the waterpolo squad, but I pulled a ‘sickie’, citing "a hangover" as the cause for my absence. But that escape was the aquatic equivalent of ‘the dog ate my homework’. Knowing that there was only one issue of the paper left, I couldn’t and wouldn’t wuss out again. I couldn’t. And on the plus side, I had saved the best until last. So, after a final blast of heavy metal (by the aptly named Drowning Pool) I collected my belongings. Locked the car door and began the walk to the swimming pool like a condemned man sent to a wetter version of the gallows. On arrival I met club president Tim Marshall. A tall and semimuscular figure with a cheeky grin and confident swagger. After making light conversation we strolled into the changing rooms. That was when the memories of primary school came flooding back (if you pardon the pun). Arm-Band Ben they used to call me. But hey, if I can maintain my dignity after being pummeled by American footballers and prancing around in cheerleading then I surely could handle a bit of waterpolo. And Marshall made

Making a splash: the highly successful Uni team in action me feel somewhat easier when he revealed that today's meet was going to be "just a fun session. No proper training." Maybe, just maybe I could blag my way through this. Then again, I was the only person wearing shorts while the rest were wearing some carbon fibred super speedy trunks or something. And I also noticed that I was the only person that had a rib-cage that could also be used as a xylophone. Marshall then led me to the pool, where I was introduced to the other team members. I felt as if all eyes were peering right through me as if I was transparent. But I was losing it; I was getting freaked out and I hadn’t even gone in the water yet. Then the well-built frame of head coach Charlie Hinder came walking over. The man perhaps most responsible for the prolific success of the University team. The Uni team are the

Manchester United of waterpolo. They sank the opposition in the BUSA league and narrowly missed winning it again this year. And you would swear that the Bristol + West League waterpolo trophy had been Super-glued to the trophy cabinet, after maintaining their title for the past four years. Oh, and also they have six international players in their squad. So Hinder was to become my minder for the rest of the session. He quickly ran through the rules, which in a nutshell go like this: (Deep breath) there are seven players on each team, six out field and one goalkeeper. The object is to put the ball in the back of the net, you can’t stand or put your feet on the floor, can only use one hand on the ball at time and you’re allowed to dunk players underwater provided that they’ve got the ball. Oh yeah, and you have to swim like you are

2000 -

The tournament, being held jointly for the first time, by Belgium and Holland, was one of the most dramatic in the competition’s 44-year history. After England and Germany both crashed out in the first round, hosts Holland contrived to miss two penalties in normal time and then three in the semi-final shoot-out against Italy to falter at the penultimate hurdle. The title though would belong to then World champions France. They cruised through the first round and after Raul missed a penalty in the quarter-final and Zidane scored one to knock out Portugal in the semis, their name was written on the Henri Delauny trophy. In the final, Sylvain Wiltord broke Italian hearts in the last minute of the 90 then David Trezuguet did the same in extra time with a golden goal for the Trezeguet scores the winner French.

Eight years ago . . . 1996 - England With Italy and Holland making an early exit, England and the Czech Republic made up the semis with Germany and France. In an unforgettable match, England, after wins over Holland and old rivals Scotland, did everything but win. Kuntz levelled an early Shearer goal just as ‘Three Lions’ got into full swing. But in extra time both teams could have won it. Anderton hit the post for the English and Helmer had an effort disallowed for the Germans. However, Southgate’s penalty miss became the home side’s undoing and a golden goal in the final by Oliver Bierhoff gave his team a 2-1 win over underdogs, the Czechs.

Another tournament of surprises saw Denmark, who had only been given the chance to compete when war broke out in the Balkans, collect the silver trophy with a win over Germany in the finals in Sweden. After qualifying from a group with both England and France, the Danes, with Peter Schmeichel in goal and mercurial Brian Laudrup in midfield, proceeded to upset the apple cart by beating the much-fancied Dutch in the semifinals with a win on penalties. John Jensen and Kim Vilfort scored the goals in the final in the greatest shock in the tournaments long history. England lost to hosts Sweden in the quarters as Gary Lineker was substituted controversially by Graham Taylor. Scotland also made an early exit in the first round.

Luz Stadium Group B France v England June 13, 7.45pm Group A Russia v Portugal June 16, 7.45pm Group B Croatia v England June 21, 7.45pm Quarter-final 1 1st group A v 2nd group B June 24, 7.45pm Final Winner SF 1V Winner SF 2 July 4, 7.45pm

Wright’s weird weekends IT’S HALF PAST two and I have arrived early at the beautiful Sophia Gardens. The sun is shining as numerous sportylooking types all rush into the complex, high on enthusiasm and full of fervor for their sporting excersions. I find myself Velcro-ed into my car seat, blasting out music from the fragile and crackily speakers of my car stereo, pysching myself up for what would be the most nerve-wracking assignment I had ever undertaken, waterpolo.

Four years ago . . . Belgium/Holland

Twelve years ago . . . 1992 - Sweden

HOLLAND 1992 - DENMARK 1996 - GERMANY 2000 - FRANCE 2004 - ? 1960 - SOVIET UNION 1964 - SPAIN 1968 - ITALY 1972 - WEST GERMANY 1976 STADIUMS AND MATCHES June 23, 7.45pm

A trip down memory lane

being chased by a shark: very very fucking quickly. "It really helps if you are a good swimmer" revealed the statuesque Hinder, "I have been playing the sport for years now and got into after I got bored with competitive swimming. I used to get up before seven each morning and swim every morning, but after a while it became a bit bland so I came across waterpolo and it seemed much more exciting." And Minder is certainly not wrong there. Just watching the shooting practice at the deep end, there was some fantastic shots being taken and enough skill and flare to embarrass a Brazilian football team. And they were all doing this without touching the bottom. Erstwhile ‘keeper Tim Marshall somehow managed to tread water the whole time but still have the energy to leap out of the water as if someone had just

told him that it was filled with piranhas. And from the sidelines it looked great. But there was only so long I could scribble in my notebook and pretend that I was being all journalistic. Hinder seemed to sense my reluctance to get in and spurred me on "to get in and warm up." My unique take on breast stroke was the closest I came to warming up and then the water equivalent of a "kick about" was about to begin. I was told to mark one of the girls. Cue a wry smile from me thinking well, at least this sport has its perks. (I later learned that it is not a mixed sport.) But then as soon as I swam towards her she had gone, got the ball and rocketed it into the net. The suggestion was then made that I go in goals. I felt like a crap football player getting shoved in goal for being a liability. But then the goal was in the shallow end. I wouldn’t drown and I wouldn’t have to perform my doggy paddle in front of a skilled bunch of athletes. Despite my best impressions of a drowning cat, I felt taken aback by the politeness of the members who made me feel

Penalty bottler Southgate more than welcome. I felt a swell of pride when I launched a long range pass that led to a goal. But best not get ahead of myself. The second quarter was about to begin and that meant keeping goal in the deep end. So I made some excuse about not knowing shorthand and returned to watch from the sidelines. And that is where I stayed for the remainder of the session. It’s not that I disliked the sport at all but this is a sport that you can’t just pick up instantly. It does take a lot of determination and practice, perhaps suited to a first year than a wannabe hack on his way out of uni. It is difficult to say whether the club can maintain its success next year with the departure of some key players, but if they keep the confident attitude echoed by Marshall, who said with such unwavering belief that “there’s only five or six good teams." Then I’m sure they will accumulate more silverware than your average magpie. If you’re a good swimmer or just want to try something that is new and exciting then go along next year. Just tell them that "some sports monkey recommended it."

An out of shot Wright sticks to the calmer waters of the shallow end

Tom Brown strikes out as union The sporting year politics undermine sporting reviewed on page 24 achievement - page 22

SPORT

I S S U E 76 6

JUNE 7 2004

Taylor made to Wray of light represent country By Charlotte Cloke

Cardiff stars achieve international recognition By Jim Rosenthal THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF only finishing third in BUSA was lifted for four of Cardiff University’s waterpolo team when the latest Wales squad

was announced. Mark Taylor, Charlie Hinder, Chris Taylor and Tim Marshall were all included in the Senior Welsh squad for the Willie Mellors tournament held in Scotland. Chris and Mark Taylor both played for Wales in the 2002

Commonwealth Games, whereas Hinder and goalkeeper Marshall both made their international debuts at the weekend. All four featured prominently in the games, and undoubtedly made a good impression on the newly appointed coach.

Wales finished second in the tournament, beating the British Police 12-1 and the British Armed Forces 23-1. However, they lost a closely contested game with Scotland 8-6. The Welsh team all felt hard done by as the Scots were able to profit from some favourable home refereeing. Despite the defeat there were many plus points from the tournament for the Welsh team, as the preparation starts for the 2006 Commonwealth Games. Tim Marshall was understandably thrilled to feature for Wales. He commented: “It was a great honour to play for my home country, and now we all have our targets firmly fixed on the Commonwealth Games.” Cardiff player-coach Charlie Hinder added to Marshall’s enthusiasm, and is pleased to see Cardiff students get so much recognition for their efforts and hard work. He pointed out: “The fact that four of the university side have been selected to play for Wales is a major achievement for the team and just goes to highlight the strength of the side.”

THE LADIES’ CRICKET team travelled to Southampton for their BUSA quarterfinal match with hopes not very high after a defeat indoors in February. Rain threatened the match but umpires decided it would go on with the outfield bearing the brunt of the local downpour. Cardiff captain Katy Lee lost the toss, and the home side were put into bat on a tricky wicket. This proved to be a costly mistake for the opposition. The wet and slippery outfield hin-

dered the fielders who were unable to stop the boundaries hit by opener Cat Wray. However, Lee and Glover were lost cheaply to close catches, leaving Cardiff in deep despair with wickets falling and runs trailing off. Defensive play from Piper, Mezz and Chapman allowed Cardiff to maintain a steady run rate. Wray ended not out on a personal best score of 97 from 30 overs, including an impressive 12 boundaries. The sun was out for the second innings, and the grass began to dry making fielding for the Cardiff team a lot easier and giv-

ing the bowlers some bounce to work with in the pitch. Mezz was back in form and ended with figures of 3-20, with Piper recording excellent figures of 2-4. Southampton had trouble finding any gaps in the field, and were left needing a run rate which had reached double figures with 10 overs remaining. Cardiff ladies are now off to the BUSA semi-finals hoping to keep their good run of form going. Cardiff v Southampton (Cardiff 142-4, Southampton 94 all out)

Cardiff’s cricketers prove class to crush their South Coast counterparts

Endurance feat End of season honours secures record for for Cardiff’s finest Cardiff paddlers By John Stanton Deputy Sports Editor

By Katrina James and Martyn Cooper A WORLD RECORD-breaking 24 hour polo event was enough to draw Cardiff University Canoe Club members back to Hatfield Water Park, Doncaster, the venue of their recent BUSA triumph. Cardiff ’s contingent alone raised £400 for the three cancer research and support charities, with the weekend making around £15,000. Many of the group were allo-

cated midnight to 4am match slots, and found it rather a novel experience to play under floodlights. The event consisted of two teams but, as the game continued throughout the night, with regular rolling substitutions, it often became difficult to tell which player was on which team, and even where the ball was. As usual, certain people were as enthusiastic as ever and helped to guide the way to goal. Many Cardiff players were thrilled to witness ex-member Paul Hudman demonstrating his

swimming technique, which has now become a more common occurrence. At 4am, as the sun rose and the game continues, Cardiff team members headed to bed, ready to get back on the pitch later that day. Saturday saw several of our club members gain valuable experience and tuition when gaining proficiency awards, useful for our upcoming trip to the

Our group alone raised £400 for the three cancer research and support charities French Alps. The 24 hour polo game ended with 501 goals having been scored, with the reds never recovering their original lead, and losing 279-229 to the yellows. The weekend was an undoubted success and it is hoped may be repeated in years to come. The curtain was brought down on events as the announcement was made that the weekend had raised huge sums of money for Cancer Research UK, Cancer Bacup and North Staffs Chemotherapy Unit.

Canoe polo members battle it out for their record-breaking achievement

S t a rs g e t t h e c a l l

THE END OF THE sporting season has brought wider recognition for many of the university’s sportspeople, with 29 students selected to represent Welsh universities in a variety of different sporting disciplines. Essex county cricketer Mark Pettini received the highest acco-

lade, being selected to captain the men’s BUSA representative cricket team, while Katy Lee was chosen to play for the women’s BUSA team. The Welsh Universities teams will feature Cardiff students in five sports: badminton, basketball, women’s football, hockey and men’s rugby. The accolades were a reflection on Cardiff ’s summer of sporting success in the Welsh

Cup, with women’s football and men’s hockey both bringing the trophy home to the capital. This hard fought success was not confined only to cup competitions as men’s hockey firsts won the Welsh shield while the second and fourth teams won their respective leagues. These individual and team achievements are reflected by Cardiff’s current Busa ranking of 12th in the UK.

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick). Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

Name: _________________________________________ Email: _________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office (this is the preferred option, as its less work for me, and more exercise for you) or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union. Tiebreaker: What animal would you choose to be reincarnated as, and why? _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ Last week’s winner - A Millward

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMANS IN PETERBOROUGH ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ GET THE CROSSWORD OFF OUR PAGE - DO WE LOOK LIKE COMPETITIONS? ■ BROADSHEETS ARE OVERRATED - SLEEP IS UNDERRATED ■ RIATH’S HEAD LEAKS ■ FOOTIE PLAYING LEZZIES - YOU CAN’T RESPOND TO THIS, THERE ARE NO MORE PAPERS. WE HAVE THE LAST LAUGH ■ WHY ARE WE BOTHERING WITH BLUE BAR AT 7AM? ■ OFFICE BUMMER TOUCHED TRISTAN WHERE HE WEES ■ CANOE POLO MARATHONS ARE DULL - WE’RE OFF TO ROATH PARK LAKE TO PLAY FOR 25 HOURS JUST TO CUNT YOU OFF ■ COMING BACK IN EARLY AUGUST FOR A FRESHERS’ ISSUE IS GONNA BE SUCH A LAUGH ■ SO LONG, RAT - WE’RE ALREADY SAVING OUR EUROS FOR YOUR BAIL MONEY

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