gair rhydd - Issue 769

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

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rhydd free word - EST. 1972

ISSUE 769. OCTOBER 4 2004

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OPEN DOOR POLICY EXCLUSIVE

Photos: Luke Pavey

THIS IS the shocking moment that a gair rhydd journalist gained access to Gordon Hall using only his credit card.

In under 30 seconds news editor Will Talmage managed to breach front door security on the University Halls of Residence.

Acting on a tip-off from a student gair rhydd tested the lock mechanism and managed to spring the door five times in as many minutes.

Amazingly students had already made the Residences office at Senghenydd Court aware of the problem as early as Sunday September 26.

But it was only after gair rhydd got involved last week that the fault was fixed.

Gordon Hall is now secure and security has been increased but such actions have come too late for Lewis Kenny.

The first year Business student had only been in Cardiff for a day when his room was broken into and his possessions stolen.

Full story Page 2

News

Page 2

October 4 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

a glance

News Politics Ed & Op Letters Jobs and Money Health Media Competitions Five Minute Fun Television Problem Page Listings Sport

1 9 10 12 14 17 19 21 22 25 33 34 37

Open door policy gair rhydd exposes flaws in union security

By Will Talmage News Editor Story continued from Front THIEVES GAINED entry to Gordon Hall with nothing more than a credit card last Saturday, stealing over a thousand pounds worth of equipment in the process.

The shocking lapse in security occurred at around 11 pm on Saturday night, when the majority of students were out of the house enjoying the beginning of freshers’ week.

It is believed the robbers gained entry to Gordon Hall via the front door and opened it with a credit card. They then proceeded to kick open the door of Lewis Kenney’s room, a first year

EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony

ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITOR Robbie Lane NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman, Jim Sefton TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Will Dean, John Widdop, Katie Brunt LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Maria Cox, AJ Silvers PROOF READERS Jasmine Cooper, Hannah Perry, Katherine Mallam, David Gates, Alys Southwood, CONTRIBUTORS

Luke Pavey, Georgina Mavrakis, Jemma Gander, Will Carson, John Tuscany, Sally Airey, Bethany Whiteside, Matt Wilkin, Anne-Michelle Wright, Janine Doncaster, Anna Richmond, Andy Furniss, Matt Ramsden, Fraser Watson, Luke Pavey

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

RANSACKED: Lewis Kenney’s room after the burglars emptied it

Students released from bondage

By Dave Doyle News Editor STUDENTS STRUGGLING to retreive bonds from last year’s landlords will have an opportunity to benefit from the advice of an expert in housing advice.

Russell Sykes from the Housing Help Centre at Cardiff County Council will be in the Advice Centre in Cardiff Students’ Union from 11am until 3pm on October 11.

Mr Sykes will be focusing on the action students can take to get their bonds back. Sue Harris, Student

Advisor at the Students’ Union told gair rhydd: "Many students seem to think if something’s wrong in their house they lose their whole bond when this isn’t the case.

"This is an ideal opportunity to receive advice from a real expert in their field."

Mr Sykes will be handing out sample letters and leaflets and will be able to advise students on action all the way to claims in court.

For more information contact the Student Advice Centre on: 02920 781506.

business and economic student.

With an empty flat to themselves, they stole several thousand pounds worth of personal belongings including a laptop, a stereo and an i-pod.

Lewis Kenney commented that: “I found out about the robbery when I was in Creation. A mate sent me a text message telling me my room had been broken into.

“When I found out it was serious, I was really shocked that this could have happened on my second night in Cardiff."

Taking their time the thieves then moved onto the kitchens, taking several bottles of alcohol, which was later found discarded in a bush close to the halls of residence, unable to carry all of the belongings.

The property is insured under the halls insurance policy for students; Cardiff police have since contacted Kenney and supplied him with a crime number so he can process his claim.

When the security lapse was reported, students at Gordon Hall were accused of propping open the doors of the hall by residence staff at Senghennydd Court, something strongly denied by the students at Gordon Hall.

Lewis Kenney said: "It would be stupid to assume that we propped the doors to our rooms open after leaving the house, especially the front door."

The residences department has now rectified the problems concerning the front door and Gordon Hall is now secure.

A university spokesperson said, "The University’s Security Services work extremely closely across the University to encourage and ensure, as far as reasonably practicable, safe and secure environments for all users of

Photos: Luke Pavey

At

ESCAPED: CCTCV cameras failed to catch the robbers on film the University.

Student safety is of utmost importance and police figures show a significant drop in crime relating to students.

"The response to this incident was immediate. Appropriate repairs have been made and in the interim additional security was in place at the halls of residence. Residences’ staff have also met with the student and assisted throughout. The Security Operations Manager has personally offered to assist should there be a problem with gaining a crime number."

Freshers face top-up fees

By Georgina Mavrakis Reporter STUDENTS BEGINNING degrees in Welsh Universities as early as 2006 may face top up fees a year later.

In a letter from the Welsh Assembly this week, vice chancellors were informed that first year undergraduate students in 2006 may not be protected from the introduction of top up fees.

This has led to accusations that the assembly are backing out of previous commitments to protect that year’s intake of undergraduates in Wales from top up fees for the duration of their courses.

An assembly spokeswoman quoted in The Times this week said this was

not a change of policy, “since the only commitment so far was not to introduce top up fees for the lifetime of this assembly.”

This news has come as a disappointment to many university staff and prospective students hoping the 2006 cohort would be exempt from top up fees. Byronie Hammick, a 3rd year student was disappointed as she hopes to complete a second degree beginning in that year.

“This will make a huge difference to how I experience university life, and has made me seriously reconsider my options.”

At a poignant time when money matters are high on the student agenda this small change in policy emphasizes just how soon top up fees could arrive.

News

October 4 2004

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

MONKEY BUSINESS

P h o t o : Pa u l D i c ke n

By Jemma Gander and Will Carson Reporters CHEAP STUDENT nights could be a thing of the past following new guidelines implemented during the summer months.

In an attempt to curb binge drinking the police have spoken to pubs and clubs in Cardiff asking them to cooperate with a minimum drinks price scheme.

Yet only one club has responded actively to the appeal from local authorities: Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Despite requests from the police clubs in Cardiff are still offering low drinks prices that allegedly encourage binge drinking.

Police Licensing Officer, Mike Carson, said: “The police are very dissatisfied with the lack of cooperation from clubs in Cardiff.”

PC Carson is keen to express his appreciation of the CUSU’s actions towards the prevention of binge drinking.

Binge drinking has become an increasing problem in Cardiff due to fierce competition for the student market. Swarms of flyers distributed by the union steps lay testiment to the aggressive advertising aimed at undergraduates.

However, the police want to stress that binge drinking has negative consequences such as anti-social behaviour and concerns over safety.

Drinks prices have increased in the union in line with the police guidelines and have helped to aid the prevention of anti-social behaviour in and around the union building.

Keith Owen, bar manager at CUSU, commented: “It is our job to be proactive and to adhere to legislation, as well as look after the students who drink in our bars.”

He has overseen steps to introduce more sensible drinks offers. A double vodka and a mixer will now be served in a taller glass for a longer, more sociable drink. Soft drinks will also be promoted such as half-priced bottled water.

Drinks promotions will now end at midnight.

In response to claims that the union should continue to sell cheap drinks, Mr Owen said,:“The union’s standard bar rates are lower than anywhere else in town. We want people to regard the union as somewhere to have a really good night out and not just a place to get drunk in.”

The problem of getting clubs to cooperate with police guidelines could be resolved in April 2005 when official legislation is to be passed that will ensure a minimum drinks price all clubs will adhere to.

Mr. Owen said: “In the meantime the union will continue to work closely with the police and set the standards for a safe, enjoyable night out in Cardiff.”

Wait-Watchers

By Dave Doyle News Editor A PIONEERING scheme has been launched at the University Hospital of Wales to tackle lengthy waiting lists with an onthe-spot pharmacist for patients with minor complaints.

On arriving at the hospital patients will be immediately seen by a nurse who will decide if the patient should be treated by a pharmacist instead of medical staff.

Recent trials at the hospital have shown that one in four patients with minor injuries could be treated by a pharmacist rather than a medic.

The initiative will allegedly cut the average wait of 90 minutes to 10-20 minutes.

Nurses will also have the power to administer painkillers to those who will have to wait to see a docter.

The results of the recent trials were on show at the recent British Pharamceutical Conference in Manchester.

The pharmacy system operates during the weekday evenings and weekend afternoons but a successful programme could see these hours extended.

PIONEERING: UWH

PLASTIC FANTASTIC Law student pays £10,000 to make her legs look good in boots.

By Dave Doyle News Editor

UNDER THE KNIFE: Sian on Channel Five’s Live Cosmetic Surgery

A CARDIFF law student has become the first woman in Britain to receive calf implants, an operation usually reserved for body builders.

So far Sian Mansell, who is starting her third year at Cardiff, has spent nearly £15,000 on cosmetic surgery including two breast augmentations as well as the calf implants.

The cost of these improvements has necessitated Sian hold four jobs on top of her studies.

In a recent Daily Mail article Sian’s motivations, as a ‘beautiful,

fiercely intelligent young woman’ have been questionned.

However, Sian denies that the surgery has arisen from any insecurities. She said: “I know it’s hard for people to understand, but I have never had any particular complex about my body or my looks, nor am I really vain.”

Indeed Sian’s aim is to enhance her prospects: “The law is a very competitive business and I want to make sure I look my best when I step into a court room for the first time,” she said.

This emphasis on the importance of external beauty is supported by Channel Five’s reality show ‘Cosmetic Surgery Live’ on

which Sian featured. The show followed several different cases of what the Guardian called ‘cosmetic surgery junkies’.

Sian rejects such labelling, though after her first breast augmentation at the Transform Clinic in Bristol her cosmetic surgeon told her further implants were potentially too damaging.

Sian chose to ignore these warnings and defended her actions saying: “I’m a grown woman and it’s my money and my decision.”

Sian is pleased with the results of her surgery and says she will not under go any more surgery except for “some Botox injections or a bit of collagen.”

Got a story for gair rhydd? Email the News Desk at grnews@cf.ac.uk, phone on 02920 781436 or come up to the office on the fourth floor of the students’ union.

News

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October 4 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Police appeal for student witnesses

A line in the night

By John Tuscany Reporter NIGHTLINE IS a confidential, nonjudgemental listening, information and referral service, run by students for students.

It is open from 8pm till 8am as many nights as is possible, to offer a phone-line and drop-in service when other facilities in the university are not available.

You don't have to be at crisis point to ring - it offers a friendly listening service whenever it is needed.

Nightline also has a huge variety of information in-house too, so if you

need to know anything regarding the university or the Cardiff area, they will be happy to help. They also have a ready supply of condoms.

The service is also recruiting for new volunteers. Training will be on October 9 and 10; e-mail line@cf.ac.uk to sign up or for more information.

By Sally Airey Reporter

For general Nightline usage, call on 02920 223 993 - the number is on NUS cards - or drop in to 148 Colum Road.

KYLIE: Supporting Nightline

WITNESSES ARE desperately needed in relation to a murder which took place in Cardiff’s Louden Square in the early hours of Sunday 20 June this year.

South Wales Police are particularly interested in identifying three males – described as students – who they believe may have spoken to the suspect in the Cathays area of Cardiff, possibly on Whitchurch Road or Cathays Terrace between 1.30am and 2.40am on that morning.

The suspect has been described by

the police as a 28 year-old black male, who was wearing a light coloured Tshirt, black tracksuit bottoms and grey trainers.

He may have borrowed cash from the three witnesses to use a public phone in the area. If you think you can help the police with their enquiries, please do not hesitate to contact them. Any information could be vital to the case and will be treated as strictly confidential.

Contact PC Bob Keohane on 07976 831365 or e-mail: Robert.Keohane@southwales.pnn.police.uk

national bursary scheme (40 per cent of whom support the idea), or other is in existence.

An alternative solution has been put forward by Andrew Lilico, author of a report by the Bow Group, a centreright think-tank. The funding plan is dammed as ‘expensive and inflexible’, and arguments are made that only the brightest students should be awarded grants and obtain loans in an attempt to combat the falling value of the degree in the eyes of employers.

The three-tier loans and scholarship system proposed, leaves the majority paying the full cost of their university education. Tuition fees and mainte-

nance would be covered by scholarships awarded, according to academic achievement to the top 10 to 12 per cent of the population.

Those studying ‘socially important’ subjects such as engineering or medicine approved by the government will obtain student loans at nought per cent interest and will account for nearly a quarter of the population.

Along with the rest of the UK, Welsh universities will be entitled to extra funding. However, the delay in the introduction of top-up fees within Wales may have added financial implications and the debate continues as to the best solution.

Two billion promised to English universities

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter CONTENTIOUS PLANS released by the Government show universities will be awarded spending of £2 billion between 2004 and 2008.

This development has been hailed by the Department for Education and Skills as showing a ‘significant commitment to stand by higher education in future spending reviews’.

Information released by the DFES concerning its spending plans shows a total of £9.5 billion to be shared between universities by 2008.

By the end of the decade £1.2 billion per annum for universities will be obtained by the implemented policy of top-up fees from 2006 and onwards.

The DFES report also confirms that between 2005 and 2008 research funding will rise from £1.2 billion to £1.4 billion.

However Liz Allen of the lecturers’ union has criticised these latest Government policies arguing that: ‘there is no real increase in funding for teaching – fee income may bring in extra money for some institutions but not for all’. She concludes that this development: ‘does nothing to address current underfunding and the scandal

of low pay.’

Resounding fear exists that the extra funding raised by top-up fees will only dent the universities funding crisis.

Conservative education spokesman Tim Yeo argues that this extra cash will be diverted from the teaching and classroom front-line.

According to Guardian Education online, eight in ten chancellors have grave concerns that the current funding crisis will not be solved by the introduction of top-up fees. Indeed many vice-chancellors have stated that they support the proposals simply because no alternative provision for a

World News

Page 6

Tribal Conflicts

By Georgina Mavrakis Reporter

MERCILESS VIOLENCE by the Janjaweed militia in Darfur has created a fresh exodus of refugees.

The scene of the worst humanitarian crisis in the world today is Darfur, in western Sudan. Despite the high amount of media coverge that has gone into Sudan, there has only been a relatively small amount of background reported on the largest country in Africa.

The crisis in Sudan stems from the longest-running civil war in Africa.

There has been a history of war in country's recent past, but this particular conflict began in 1983 when the Arab government in the north tried to impose Islamic sharia law throughout Sudan, including the south where the black African population follows traditional African beliefs or Christianity.

A ceasefire and peace agreement had been agreed between the government and the rebel Sudan People's Liberation Army (SPLA) in April, but this sparked demands from rebels in Darfur.

The rebels wanted a fairer deal for the black African population in the region, where the differences tend to be ethnic and cultural rather than religious (the people of Darfur, whether their first language is Arabic or an African language, are traditionally Muslim).

The government responded by backing the Arab Janjaweed militias who have run riot, resulting in tens of thousands of deaths and the displacement of over one million people as they flee for their lives.

Unfortunately talks broke down this month after rebel groups refused to disarm before the pro-government Janjaweed militias were disbanded.

grnews@cf.ac.uk

World News Round-up

By Paul Dicken News Editor

REFUGEES: children wait in Sudanese camps The situation, if anything has worsened in recent months. The Sudanese government and the rebel groups fighting in Darfur were urged this week to resume negotiations by the UN amid new reports of desperate conditions in the refugee camps.

The call from the UN high commissioner for refugees, Ruud Lubbers, came as Medecins Sans Frontieres are reported to have said that mortality rates in south Darfur were "way above emergency levels".

Conditions in the immense refugee camps in Darfur remain horrifying.

Infant malnutrition rates are reported as running at nearly 25 percent in Kalma camp in south Darfur. Over the past seven months, around 2,500 people have died at Kalma, including 1,100 children under five. More than half the adult deaths were due to violence.

“The government responded by backing Janjaweed militias”

SUDAN: experiencing the consequences of conflict and corruption

10,000 people are now dying in Sudan every month, with UN officials calling this “the worst humanitarian crisis in the world”. It is hoped that the UN Security Council will do more to pressurise the government of Sudan to reign in the Janjaweed militia.

Iran stay nuclear

By Matt Wilkin Reporter

elections and condemned all acts of terrorism and violence there.

Alarmingly, Iran has threatened to withhold access for nuclear inspectors. If the issue is taken to the Security Council, inspectors would be sent to the country and attempts would be made to freeze aspects of its uranium enrichment programme, which is central to building a

IRAN HAS DEFENDED its right to possess nuclear technology.

Speaking at the United Nations General Assembly, Iran’s Foreign Minister Kamal Kharrazi maintained that it "was only for peaceful purposes" – although his claims have been hotly contested by a large sector of the international com- MR KHARRAZI: in front of the mics munity.

The US in particular have called for the case to be referred to the United Nations Security Council, citing Iran – which neighbours Iraq – as a major world threat.

However, Mr Kharrazi went on to say that Israel’s record of aggression makes it the main regional and global threat to peace, in spite of the country’s refusal to confirm or deny its nuclear capability.

He also promoted free and fair Iraqi

October 4 2004

nuclear bomb.

But while American officials have made halting the programme an integral foreign policy aim to ensure a nuclear bomb is not created, Iran is currently permitted to enrich uranium under international treaty obligations.

Washington accuses Iran of running a covert nuclear weapons programme. The International Atomic Energy Agency has been investigating the country’s nuclear activity for two years, revealing suspicious conduct, which could be in connection with a weapons programme – but nothing to solidly confirm US suspicions.

Another senior Iranian official, Hassan Rohani, has confirmed that Iran already has the technology to produce nuclear bombs and indeed, funds are continuing to be ploughed into sophisticated machines, which enrich uranium.

The British government, which is providing logistical support for African troops protecting monitoring mission in Darfur, are pressing for the Sudanese government to make more effort to comply with demands from UN Security Council. In a visit to Sudan last month Jack Straw hoped to deliver this ‘clear message’, showing how seriously the international community takes this matter.

The Sudanese government's response has been slow and reluctant.

There is little evidence of effective measures to lessen the atrocities being committed by the Janjaweed. As a result, the suffering of the Sudanese refugees continues.

The violence in Sudan has led to around 1.2 million African villagers fleeing the region. Many Sudanese people have come to the UK to seek asylum. Cardiff itself has seen a thriving community of Sudanese people moving into the area.

In an event held last week in Cathays, the Sudanese community celebrated their diverse cultural history and shared traditional food and dancing with the local people, students and politicians from Cardiff.

The event, with an attendance of over 200, demonstrated the determination and passion of a country, which in recent years has experienced calculated slaughter by their own government, and some of the worst human rights violations the world has witnessed this decade.

THE HOSTAGE situation in the middle-east has been steadily getting more media based this week.

Ken Bigley’s photograph, showing the British Engineer behind bars, was all over the British front pages this week, while his brother, Paul Bigley was giving speeches to Labour MPs and calling for the Prime Minister to resign.

Two Italian hostages were released from captivity in Iraq after the intervention of Muslim Clerics, although an Italian Minister claimed a ransom had been paid for their release despite denials from the central government.

In Basra two British soldiers were killed while on patrol in an attack by a rocket propelled grenade that also injured Iraqi civilians.

In Afghanistan the security for the forthcoming elections was put into question after five soldiers were killed in the southern province of Zabul.

The interim government again blamed the Taliban, who have been blamed for the death of more than 1000 people since August last year.

The elections will mean that a freely elected president, and eventually government, will run Afghanistan.

Although 10.5 million people in the country have registered to vote there are fears that regional warlords and their accompanying militias will intimidate voters.

Some of these tribal leaders have issued comments denouncing the elections, suggesting that they are only to boost President Bush’s image, with the U.S appointed president, Hamid Karzai, widely believed to be favourite to stay on as the elected president.

After removing a law to criminalise adultery, Turkey have reopened a door for them to join the EU. Although the move seems to divide parts of the union there are a lot of positive signs that the country will be part of the EU in the foreseeable future.

Safety still in question at Greek holiday resorts

By Anne-Michelle Wright Reporter AN ALBANIAN illegal immigrant faced Greek prosecutors this week charged with the rape of a 19-yearold British teenager.

The Scottish victim was attacked only hours after arriving in the sunny island of Corfu on September 19.

Corfu’s Chief of Police, Haralabos Karabotsis, has commented on his team’s speed of detection. Lab tests were taken and within an hour of the attack being reported the barman had been identified, and was being held in custody.

The case is the latest in a long line of assaults on the Greek Islands of both male and female Brits and has prompted worry among tourists in the popular holiday resorts.

The turn-out for the 2005 season is

expected to suffer from the bad publicity that the exotic islands are receiving.

Tom Griffiths, founder of gapyear.com, said, "Rape is an increasingly big problem now", at the same time the Foreign Office revealed alarming information that 70 rapes have been reported in Corfu over the last two years alone. If the verdict is guilty, this case will be the 30th convicted sexual assault from the summer of 2004.

THE ISLANDS: Corfu by day

Political Opinion

October 4 2004

Page 9

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Rebels with a dying cause I

Caroline Farwell looks at the campaign in support of fox hunting and asks why the countryside tradition has managed to survive

t now appears as though Britain has finally been brought into the twenty-first century.

After years of controversy a ban on fox hunting will at last be put into effect.

Amid violent protests in the capital and shocking breaches of security in Westminster, Tony Blair is managing to maintain his manifesto commitment to resolving the hunting issue once and for all.

A ban on hunting has been on the agenda ever since Labour’s landslide victory in 1997. The party’s manifesto promised greater protection for wildlife and advocated ‘a free vote in Parliament on whether hunting with hounds should be banned’.

So Blair has kept to his word (better late than never) and has this month given Parliament a free vote on the issue.

This means that MPs have been able to vote ‘according to their conscience’ about fox hunting, rather than according to the views of their political party.

Lawmakers have voted 339 to 155 to ban the ‘sport’, beginning in July 2006. However, the bill is yet to complete its passage through the House of Lords. If it is rejected by peers when they debate it next month the government has stated that it will use the Parliament Act of 1949 to force it on the statute book.

Groups such as the Countryside Alliance and the Union of Country Sports Workers have been lobbying against the government’s proposed ban and aim to topple Blair on the matter.

The Countryside Alliance claims that rural life will be irrevocably changed by the ban and is promising direct action. The alliance, which represents a range of rural groups from across the country, boasts a membership of 100,000. It campaigns across a range of issues including hunting, farming, tourism and development, but recently it is the extremity of the campaigning that has sparked concern.

The Countryside Alliance says that it wants its campaigning to be lawabiding and peaceful. But it appears as if it is too late.

The violent protest in London two weeks ago and the breach of security in the Commons has tarnished their image and their cause. Along with the disruptions at the Labour party con-

THRILL OF THE CHASE: But for how long will hunting with dogs be legal? ference in Brighton this week and the threats made to Rural Affairs minister Alun Michael’s security, the hunters are losing sympathy quickly.

Is this really the image that the prohunt lobby want to associate itself with? One that compromises individ-

“A poor excuse for upper-class hooligans to storm the Commons ” ual safety and recklessly advocates campaigns of intimidation and harassment?

The question is now how far the pro-hunt lobby will go. Beyond threatening MPs and endangering safety, more extreme action has been assured by the campaigners.

Landowners have promised radical action in the shape of denying the armed forces access to their firing ranges.

Other threats include a blockade of London, poisoning reservoirs, bringing down power lines and disrupting food supplies.

The group that call themselves the Real Countryside Alliance have hailed such strategies as legitimate

and acceptable forms of protest, despite their blatant counterproductive nature.

The Real Countryside Alliance has advocated its own form of ‘rural terrorism’ that uses revolutionary tactics to achieve success. The alliance called the invasion of the Commons a ‘brilliant act that was well executed’ and says that they can and will ‘do naughty things’ to ensure that fox hunting remains legal.

Such a ruthless attitude to the campaign is far removed from polite and conservative conceptions of the country’s upper classes.

This idea of a class division existing in the fox hunting debate is also of significance. Previous attempts at banning hunting have always been stalled by the House of Lords, which has deep roots in the land-owning aristocracy.

The clear distinction between the pro-hunting Lords and largely antihunting Commons has long been an instrumental factor in fox hunting legislation and arguably dictates the country’s tolerance of the blood sport.

Arguments of cruelty and morality begin to take a backseat when the case for fox hunting is reduced to a class war.

A feeling of alienation between the pro-hunting public school boys of

rural England and the so-called ‘New Labour townies’ has been launched by the hunt lobbyers to justify their dissension.

The rural pro-hunting campaigners feel contempt towards the urban masses, believing that the British rural way of life has been challenged, threatened and transformed.

But surely the argument that town has finally triumphed over country is

“A ban will merely put an end to a redundant and avoidable pastime ” a distraction from the moral issues of fox hunting. It is a poor excuse for a group of upper-class hooligans to storm into the Commons; as though feelings of estrangement and bitterness can act as an explanation for their lawless behaviour.

The fact is that the government want to ban fox hunting because it is a cruel and unnecessary activity, not because they want to launch an offensive on the country’s rural communities.

A ban will not be sacrificing a way of life or challenging a traditional freedom, it will merely put an end to a redundant and avoidable pastime.

The fact is that livelihoods do change over time, whether in rural or urban communities, and if we were to deny this then national progression and development would be severely limited.

So why has it taken so long for fox hunting to be eliminated? What distinguishes it from the vicious blood sports that were banned in the nineteenth century? How has fox hunting managed to survive when cockfighting and bear baiting were abolished hundreds of years ago? Why such an anachronistic and violent activity is still accepted in the twenty-first century is incomprehensible.

Who cares if fox hunting is the one rural activity that brings together people of the English countryside? It is a tradition that this country shouldn’t mind turning its back on.

Such a cruel and morally repellent activity should have been banned a long time ago, especially since opinion polls consistently show that the majority of Britons oppose fox hunting.

Evidence also strongly favours a ban. For example, the June 2000 Burns inquiry that looked into the effects of a fox hunting ban on the rural economy found that fox hunting is an ineffective form of pesticide.

With only six per cent of all fox destruction done by means of hunting, the report showed that alternative means of controlling fox populations are and remain considerably more effective. Lord Burns also found that between 6000 and 8000 jobs will be lost if hunting was banned – half the number suggested by pro-hunt groups.

It is uncertain what a ban would do to fox numbers but evidence suggests that it would not result in exploding populations. In 2001 the Foot and Mouth crisis meant that all hunting was temporarily banned and studies at the time showed that there was no impact on fox numbers.

Scotland outlawed hunting with dogs in 2002 and it’s about time this country did the same. Rather than allowing hunting to exist as an inalienable right of rural Britain surely we should be condemning the activity as the elitist and barbaric crime that it really is.

Security threats mean time is running out

By Caroline Farwell Political Editor

T

he London protests that were held on 15th September by hunting campaigners renewed calls for security improvements in the capital.

The matter has been under scrutiny for several months following a series of security breaches in some of London’s most prominent institutions.

In May this year two activists showered Prime Minister Tony Blair with purple powder from the public gallery of the House of Commons, and more recently Buckingham Palace was the target of an intruder

dressed as Batman.

Both events were the work of a father’s rights group seeking to improve child visitation rights for divorced fathers. But concerns that the protestors could have so easily been terrorists were wide spread.

Cabinet minister Peter Hain is calling for a reform of security at Westminster and has proposed to introduce a new director of security following the latest invasion of the Commons.

Hain says, ‘This is the age of the suicide terrorist and our security arrangements are antiquated’.

The offensive launched on the Commons during the pro-hunt rally meant that five men posing as build-

ing contractors were able to walk straight into the Westminster chamber.

Fortunately circumstances meant that they were only able to suspend debate for thirty minutes, but if the perpetrators had been terrorists rather than upper-class hooligans the story would have been much different.

Hain’s calls for modernisation have also been echoed by Tory chairman Dr Liam Fox who agrees that the security of Britain’s major institutions must urgently be reviewed and defence must be improved.

The violent protests in Parliament Square that saw thousands of hunt supporters hurling bottles and fireworks at riot police armed with

batons and teargas demonstrates how threats to security are becoming far too frequent an occurrence.

Although the countless injuries and arrests at the rally, along with the farcical breach of security in the Commons, has more than damaged the pro-hunting cause, security needs to be stepped up.

Even the safety of MPs is being threatened by hunt campaigners.

Rural Affairs minister Alun Michael was last week warned by police to be cautious of his personal security outside of the capital.

On police advice Michael was forced to cancel a visit to the Peak

District to mark the introduction of the right to roam legislation.

If we have approached a stage where MPs are not safe inside or outside of Westminster then the standards of British defence seriously need to be reconsidered.

At least we have been given a second chance. The Palace of Westminster may indeed not be adequately protected but we haven’t had to learn the hard way this time around.

If it is in fact a job for MI5 as some commentators have suggested, then why hasn’t the job been handed over?

Action is essential with all security issues and Britain shouldn’t be waiting around for its luck to run out.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 10

October 4 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd

FREE WORDS Easy Access THE LAST thing any fresher expects in their first week of university is to be a victim of a burglary, especially if they live in halls of residence. Yet that is exactly what happened to Lewis Kenny this week.

Granted, the first year business student was the unlucky victim of a freak robbery but that will come as little consolation, especially given the security situation in Gordon Hall.

Yet, despite the Residences Department being made aware of the faulty front door lock, they had the cheek to transfer the blame onto the students.

First year students in halls may not be angels and few students can honestly say they have never propped open a fire door, but the seriousness of this complaint should have ensured a speedy response. It should not have required the gair rhydd’s involvement before any repairs were made.

Gordon Hall may now be secure, but this kind of lapse should never be allowed to happen again.

IMG upgrades RECENT YEARS have seen the popularity of the IMG sport leagues rocket as a place for those who haven’t made the BUSA cut to play competitive sport.

But last year saw the leagues become a victim of their own success as a record number of teams registered, resulting in biased referees and serious injuries that could have been avoided.

The rules that James Cole and the AU have now brought in are both welcome and sensible, but do not go far enough. For example -- why do netball now have neutral umpires, yet football still relies on teams sorting out the refereeing between each other?

This is where some of the biggest problems lay last year, so it makes no sense to treat one sport differently to the other in this regard.

IMG Rugby also seems to be a glaring omission. Changes have been promised but at the time of going to press it is unclear when, if at all, they will be announced.

Steps are definitely being taken in the right direction to make IMG safer, more enjoyable and more exciting but there is still a long way to go yet.

Fresh Start FRESHERS’ WEEK is not necessarily fun for everybody.

It can be difficult fitting in, alone in a strange place, which is why Nightline is such a vital service.

We all need a sympathetic ear at some point and Nightline provides just that.

Freshers’ frolic

By Janine Doncaster

A

ugust 19th. Your fate is decided, as you nervously open that ominous brown envelope (or in my case, force your friend to do it as you disturbingly break down and cry hysterically, unable to face the inevitable news). Thankfully that disconcerting phase of uncertainty and seemingly permanent case of angst induced PMT is over.

What now? A sense of anti-climax perhaps… or maybe a sporty jaunt to the pub in the habitual fashion to witness the same people irritatingly claiming (once again!) that this is the most drunk they’ve ever been (a possible contender for Room 101, perhaps?) On my results day, both of the above featured in splendid fashion.

However, this was not a time that I should be glum or pissed off with fellow peers. I had surpassed my own expectations at ‘A’ level and was

“Playstation 2 in our kitchen seriously, what luxury!”

heading for my first choice course and university (despite Cardiff being my insurance as well!) As Julie Andrews rightly said in The Sound Of Music, (or perhaps yodelled on the hills surrounded by goats and children), it was time to focus on a few of "my favourite things."

It was time to get prepared as numerous leaflets and letters informing me on the A-Z (and the kitchen sink) of Cardiff University gradually

flooded through my letterbox. It was time to visit Argos for the best saucepans that £12.75 can offer, to bring out my already flourishing oriental side (what I mean is my extensive knowledge of how to cook Chicken Supernoodles) by investing in a wok set, and let us not forget the rather charming plastic utensil set consisting of this life-changing and notably useful tool that is the tea bag strainer!

This was only the beginning of my preparations. I had to buy tea towels, a toilet brush (for when that bitch of a skid won’t budge), and stationary (including a now updated university pencil case – oh, that thrill will never die). We must not forget those vital fairy lights to tart up my room a tad, and enough food to feed not only the five thousand but the entire population of the insanely hungry ‘I’ve left home and did not pack my Mum in my suitcase’ students that live in Talybont.

Having arrived on the Friday, I was submerged by friendly strangers that are my flat mates. The following day was my 19th birthday and I feared the prospect of being surrounded by strangers and polite and superficial conversation in Cilla Black style "What’s your name and where do you come from?" But in hindsight this is one of the highlights of Freshers’ Week: the opportunity to be able to embark on conversation with a random person on the stairs, in the corridor or becoming an honorary (nonsmoking) member of the "Smoker’s Society" on the doorstep of your house. There is no doubt about it – in three months time a conversation on risqué topics, such as gender difference regarding masturbation and a war plot involving the entire popula-

tion of Chavs worldwide, with your compañeros with whom by then you would ironically expect to be more familiar with, would be frowned upon in the light of day amidst growing work deadlines and the lack of special drink offers.

But for now, I am enjoying getting to know lots of people, including those on my floor in particular, as we plan to join forces on a pre-going out drinks party and there is the pleasure of a Playstation 2 in our kitchen – seriously, what luxury! I know I am

“superficial conversation in Cilla Black style...”

fortunate to have such sophisticated facilities nearby, namely a "reputable national food superstore," a very Handy-Andy stylee food store and launderette whose doors I will not bravely enter until I am as my laundry bag quotes "Naked… 1 Week… 2 Weeks… 3 Weeks…" I am embracing the odd natural awkward silence, am working on the concept of motivation regarding cooking something other than toast and museli and the theory that the walk to the union seems to be getting longer and longer as the sleep deprivation seems to go on and on.

Yet I can say without hesitation that after enduring the strenuous hike, it is well worth it. Today is enrolment.

Tonight another party. Tomorrow?

All I have to say is long may the fun of attempting to survive as an Independent Woman (thank you, Destiny’s Child), Talybont social scene and freshers’ frolics roll on!

KATIE BRUNT’S

ROOM 101 Us Brits, there’s nothing we love more than our summer holiday. It’s the one time of year when we can really relax and let go. A chance to experience some culture, try the local delicacies, take in some art and architecture. Alternatively, you could just pretend you’re still at home, but in the sun. What’s the point in trying new food when Pete’s English Pub is right next door serving steak and chips, all-day brekkie and pints of Stella? Heck, they’re even showing Eastenders.

What I’m desperately hoping to expunge from this world by lobbing into the hellhole that is Room 101, is Brits abroad. And of course I don’t speak for all of you, thankfully there are many who don’t fit the stereotype. The ones I want to expel are those vomit-inducing, cringeworthy and darn right disgusting Brits who treat their holiday like a week at home during a heat wave.

The ones who insist on speaking English and only English and if the locals don’t understand, just SHOUT LOUDER. Or, worse still, the ones who do try ("Un grond beer silver play") and get lairy when the poor barman or woman kindly asks you in English to repeat yourself. It’s the ones who don’t even bother to learn one word in the other language.

"Hello" is really quite an easy word, in every language, Cretin.

Brits stand out so much abroad.

You just know that the twat in hideous Speedos is one of us. As is the overweight mother of five sizzling on the beach, ("Well, you gotta burn first to get a tan innit?") and the pasty git in the socks and sandals.

We’re unspeakably embarrassing when set loose overseas. All fashion sense is hurled right out the window from the second we (I say we, I mean one, a verb form irritatingly underused, as it would imply ‘the general British public’ and thus not including myself in the equation) alight the plane in tawdry football shirts, tight shorts revealing the multitude of sins you moan about at home but for some reason seem ok now, and fake Chanel sunglasses you got for a fiver at the market.

And then there’s the things people bring on holiday, as if life itself simply cannot go on without them: marmite, slippers, PG Tips (foreign tea just ain’t the same!), the TV and your own pillow. Jesus, if you love home so much, bloody well stay there and leave the real holidaymakers to it! When you ask a Brit abroad whether they had a nice holiday, he or she’ll say "Yeah, was nice but ah, was really glad to get back home y’know?" Well tell you what love, next year, don’t bother.

Spend the money on a foreign phrasebook, some sun cream and a wardrobe re-haul, and try again next year. Actually no, spend the money on fags, the new Man U strip, and a crate of Stella and never show your face abroad again.

October 4 2004

Editorial & Opinion

Page 11

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

SVC: Choice not chore Robin Campbell explains how volunteering is about more than just enhancing your CV W HAT’S UNIVERSITY? For those of us that meet that student stereotype it’s a place to get your degree after a few years of the joys of daytime TV, legendary nights ending with the temptation of unmarked burger vans and following the yellow reduced-label around Tescos. For some of us it’s all this and a bit more!

We all arrived, filled our once clean rooms with all the bags and crap that could fit in the groaning car and met our flatmates - strangers who after a year of kitchen’s piled with filth and dodgy habits we would either like, loath or both.

The blur of Freshers’ Week centred on avoiding flyers, collecting useless freebies, meeting randoms, sofa racing down Column Road and perhaps realising the hassle of cooking! It’s a blissful world tainted only by the stench of Solus toilets and the sweat of 9 o’clock lectures, manic libraries in May and deadlines panics all seeming far away.

“a blissful world tainted only by the stench of Solus toilets” Living life in the Cathays goldfish bowl it’s easy to think that the student label makes life peak with Neighbours and value beans. It doesn’t and you all know it.

That’s why the Societies, Sports and Volunteering Fayres are always rammed beyond a joke and we all brave the sweat and join scrum to sign up to whichever depraved group takes

our fancy. Though it was deservedly voted one of the worst bits of architecture in Cardiff, the University’s strength is its Union or more to the point, what’s on offer.

Student Volunteering is something I almost missed. When I thought about doing stuff outside of the stereotypical books and beer I thought of Sports or Societies.

Dashing around signing up to everything, I came across SVC’s stall and a few months later there I was helping cook roast chicken for 50 guys and girls in a local homeless shelter.

There were about 20 of us who gave up a few hours a week to go down in small groups to help with the general running of the centre and organise events.

The first time I went down there was daunting and I’m not the type of

person who can just sit down and start talking to a stranger. After a few months I began to find points of contact with people, helped by copious amounts of tea and some naff pool playing on my part, with faces become people with some of the most interesting and emotional stories going.

Without doing Student Volunteering I couldn’t look back at my first term and grimace at the jokes made at my bingo calling skills, grin at pulling off a mini fireworks display in the centre’s car park for Guy Fawkes and wonder at why I saw some guy dressed only in a bra and pants wander past our sponsored sleep out at 4am one bloody cold December night.

Why bother? There’s no single answer and if people are being really honest usually it’s a mixture of selfless and selfish reasons. Working at the

get the further opportunity to learn a lot about negotiation and perseverance

went through an equally tortuous process to get my new fridge. I can’t be sure, but I think they sold the old one onto Biosci for testing.

Of course, not everything that you learn will be quite so practical. For many the first year could easily be described as the trial and error process (or, more accurately, error and greater error process) of establishing one’s alcohol tolerance.

Being able to establish that you are merrily tipsy without proceeding to the hideously, embarrassingly paralytic stage is a feat that some take longer than others to establish. Nonetheless, it’s a skill worth hanging onto – after all, once you’ve graduated you won’t be able to treat office socials like rugby socials.

homeless shelter we were helping relieve staff from menial tasks to allow them to concentrate on the clients and I hope our events provided some escapism, fun and benefit.

Rewarding?

As a civil engineering student, you work your arse off only to see a neat little 6/10 on some piece of paper; volunteering was where I fed my selfish need for satisfaction, even more than the evil Playstation.

Writing this forced me to think why I gave up a few hours of my week.

SVC has become something I just do and enjoy so I found it quite hard. So I cheated and asked some mates the same question.

Sam volunteers on SVC’s Weekenders’ Project who organise trips aimed at kids from the inner city and I’ve known him for about two years. His older sister had told him about volunteering before he came to uni and he used to help out at a youth club at school so he came looking to get involved. He studies Computer Engineering but like most of us has no idea about what job he’ll end up in. He hoped that his volunteering experience would boost his CV with buzzword transferable skills and give him an edge. He said that he still does it because it’s fun. Is that selfish? For the kids experiencing activities otherwise not available, I doubt they care.

Lisa however studies sociology, was interested in mental health and wanted direct experience. She volunteers on SVC’s Whitchurch Project which offers companionship and general conversation to adults with mental health issues. She said her motivation changed after joining SVC as she found it boosted her confidence as well as helping get the job she wanted. She found that people appreciated and encouraged her work and this made her

want to not only continue volunteering but to expand and better the project; her motivation for becoming a Project Co-ordinator. She said about enjoying working with a sense of need in part of a close-knit team. She’s now hoping to become a social worker.

Finally I spoke to Steve who’s volunteered on the Tycelyn Youth Club since his second year. He said he does it to give something back but that also annoys him. He said he found the commitment a bit discouraging but that it’s worth it. He talked about meeting a

Most useful of all though, is learning to do all the housework that your parents do without – and this is the crucial bit – without being told to.

When you come home and think, "hmm, I’ll give the place a quick vacuum", then give yourself a 10 point get-

(instead of chipping away at the everincreasing ice-ledge, praying that you don’t hit freon) or picked up the icky gunk that collects in the sink after washing up with your bare hands and without wincing, consider yourself a fully fledged ‘proper’ grown up. The same goes for polishing furniture or grouting the bathroom.

The problem is, I don’t want to be grown up before my time. I’ve decided that I need to reclaim my youth while I can, before it’s too late. Tonight I’m going to buy pizza, even if it is more expensive and has less nutritional value than a home-made meal. And I’ll eat it with a can of lager while watching Eastenders. I’ll even stay up drinking past 1am, even though I have work in the morning. But I’ll use a coaster.

“ the guy in the bra had a Scottish accent” far larger variety of people both volunteers from other courses, halls and years, and the kids he works with.

He’s become a member of SVC’s Exec, the group of students who oversee the charity and pointed out how this gave a chance to help move the charity forward and would be something to talk about at interviews.

Anyway, 3 years after I joined, Student Volunteering Cardiff continues to be one of the largest in the country.

Every year some 800 of us get involved in one of the 30 student-run projects.

For those of you who hate being stereotypes, want to get satisfaction from working for the local community, boost your skills and your CV, go to the Student Volunteering Fayre, Monday 4th 5 – 8pm in the Great Hall to see all the projects on offer, pop up to the SVC office on the 3rd floor, SU or log onto www.SVCardiff.org For those of you interested, the guy in the bra had a Scottish accent.

I don’t want to be grown up

By Alys Southwood

O

ver the summer one of my younger cousins asked if I was a proper grown up or just an adult. Confused, I asked him what the difference was. The answer was relatively simple: "proper grown ups cook and iron," he explained. I realised that I am a lmost a ‘proper’ grown up, but I want to be just an adult.

The most useful things you learn at university are to be learnt outside the lecture theatre and count towards the eventual aim of being a ‘proper’ grown up. Just moving into a flat involves the nightmare that is setting up the water, gas and electricity. The less fortunate

“proper grown ups cook and iron” he explained from wrangling with their landlords for their rightful due. Personally, I spent this last week phoning my landlord almost hourly, just to hear the same false promise that my desk would be delivered. Eventually, I rang them and said that I would collect and assemble it myself. It’s a nuisance, but I have a desk now. The week before I

“polishing furniture or grouting the bathroom” ting-to-be-an-adult bonus. Further points can be awarded for ironing casual wear and dusting. If you have ever voluntarily defrosted a freezer

Letters

Page 12

October 4 2004

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page It’s such a lovely feeling when you get back from holiday, unpack your sand-filled swimwear and rush to your aunt/ neighbour’s/ best friend’s house, finding that your hamster is still alive. It’s not that you expected it to be dead, it’s just that hamsters don’t last forever. You may have left your aunt/ neighbour/ best friend with the required equipment and a detailed handbook of instructions, but there’s always the chance that whilst you’ve spent a week trying to get sand out of all manner of orifices, your hamster’s been accidentally dissected by your aunt/ neighbour/ best friend’s small child. The Letter’s page is my hamster and James Anthony is my aunt.

And whilst I was getting sand out of all manner of orifices, my hamster was nutured with love and care and returned to me safe and sound. I am eternally grateful. Perri Please email your letters to

grletters@cf.ac.uk corrections and clarifications This week, TV Desk are again laying our hearts on your swords by apologising so profusely that itʼ’ll make you sick for last weekʼ’s fiasco. Due to a complete and utter technical cock-up that was only discovered late in the day, the listings were lost, which is a good excuse. Sorry again. xxxx If youʼ’ve spotted any glaring errors with this wonderful publication contact us at the usual address

prizes As always, Letters Desk have tried their best to find a prize relative to all the hard work the letter of the week writer puts in.

This week they will be happy to find a pair of tickets to a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not usually the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

Despite rumours they’re lovely people really Dear gair rhydd, At the end of last term there was an article about doorstaff that might as well have said we were Satan's own henchmen, and we didn't get a right of reply so here it is.

Believe it or not, we don't want to spend our time dragging people out of the clubs we work in. When you see us do it, as a general rule it is the last resort and has happened because the fight has already started, and it is the quickest and safest way to deal with it. However, what most people DON'T see is us talking people out of a fight, or intervening long before it has come to handbags. You don't see it because you're enjoying your night out with your friends and haven't been barged out of the way, and it is done discretely so that it hasn't attracted your attention. After all, if its going to kick off it normally happens straight away, and people pushing each other generally means they want a way to back down without losing face (which is what the doormen allow them to do).

You also never remember the good things we do; girls, how often have you gone to see a doorman to get a plaster for your foot where the shoes you bought have cut them open, or you need a safety pin because your skirt has split? Or got rid of the weird bloke who's been pestering you and feeling your arse for the last ten minutes? Or picked you off the floor and cleaned the worst of the vomit off you before putting you in a taxi? Yes, you never remember that because people tend to remember the worst. Yes, we can lose our temper with you, when

you INSIST that your mate is 18 but they don't have ID, and then you call us all the names under the sun because we won't let them in.

Remember, we get a huge fine and lose our licence if we get caught letting under-age people in, and we are only allowed to accept passports, drivers' licences and Citizen Cards because there are so many fake ID's around.

So please, remember that we are there to look after you, ensure you have a good night and PLEASE remember your ID! Yours, Andrew Caldicott

Monkeys. Robots.

What the fuck?

Dear gair rhydd, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about several issues that you should be correcting immediately. These include but are not limited to: - A dreadful lack of monkeys and robots to be seen in the Students’ Union - A worrying trend towards people starting to go to/talk about lectures again - The presence of annoying townie high school age morons in town.

Ideally, these should be harrassed and persecuted by the aforementioned monkeys and robots. Why is this not happening?!

- A noticable increase in the number of people who say "huh" when anyone mentions the Spanish inquisition being unexpected, coupled with a decline in transvestite lumberjacks.

These issues clearly indicate catastrophic failures in the production lev-

letter of the week Dear gair rhydd, I read the cover story on June 7 (“Student knifed outside Union”) with conflicting feelings. Yes, it was horrible that a group of people came after him and attacked him, but part of me says that the student asked for it. He did not have the right to steal food, no matter how he tries to convince himself and the rest of us otherwise. The fact that he feels the vendor charged too much, or may have been illegal or unclean are simply not valid reasons for stealing the vendor’s product. With that kind of reasoning I might as well walk into Mark’s & Spencer’s and take a nice

jumper simply because I estimated that the wool was really only worth two pounds, not the fifty pound price tag. The plain and undisputed fact is that the student STOLE from a man trying to make some kind of livelihood. The vendor’s anger is understanderable, although his actions are reprehensible. If the student couldn’t afford to pay the price tag, or was repulsed by the thought of the food being unclean, then his alternative was to go someplace else. If enough students let their feet to the talking then the vendors will either have to lower prices and clean up their act, or take their business elsewhere. This student did not

have the right to steal. That is why society has laws against such things. Frankly, I’m appalled that he thinks he can take what he wants without the thought of others. Is that how his parents raised him? Is that the kind of integrity he is going to take with him through life? If so, I hope that I never have to do business with him.

Regards, Someone appalled on so many levels.

Hmm... Controversial indeed.

Maybe. Or is it? Whatever. But I like real letters like this. Please write more of them.

els of robots and the availability of monkeys. Also, we are clearly failing out children in the education of classic comedy, instead favouring boring subjects. I expect you all at the gair rhydd to do all you can in combating these disturbing trends.

Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs.) I really don’t know what to say.

What can you say to that? I don’t think I can say anything without it involving numerous incidents of profanity and blasphemy. And I’m a nice girl.

University bikes. In this case not a letter about promiscous women in Cardiff Dear gair rhydd, I can sympathise with the blokey who had his bike stolen from the Union bike racks. I can sympathise for the guy because I had mine stolen from the racks during the summer in the space of 2-3 hours. Unfortunately my GT Aggressor was 'shiny' and was promptly picked up by the f!*%er.

Upon trying to find some evidence of this crime I found that there were 3 cameras trained on the entrance to the bike racks; unfortunately all the recorded video looked foggy and the clarity was rubbish.

So my gripe is - sort out the fecking cameras across the whole system and install them in places where expensive things go missing!

English dropout science student Are you really interested in the answer? Are you really, really interested? I suggest www.dictionary.com.

TV Andy offers his services Dear gair rhydd, I'm away for one bloody issue and the whole thing falls apart. I'm available on a consultancy basis - see the attached list of fees...

Lots of love, TV Andy [licensed drug dealer]

Mitchell Rowley

Grammar is more important to some people than others Dear gair rhydd, I know you've had a lot of very serious letters debating religion, politics and homophobia recently, and I've

text

found it all immensely depressing.

Why can't anyone concentrate on the average level of discussion that you more frequently observe about the student population? I mean to correct this trend, so here's a question that's been puzzling me and some of my friends recently: a couple of disturbing anomalies in the English language. We need someone to enlighten us on their solutions. Number one: What is the plural of 'Phoenix'? Now I know that by their nature there should only ever be one phoenix at a time, but what if you want to refer to a number of individual phoenix throughout the ages? What do you call them? Phoenixes? Phoenices? Neither seem correct. Also, number two: What is the singular of scampi? A scamp?

That surely can't be right. Maybe we've got it all wrong and scampi is actually a singular. So that makes the plural... scampis? scampii? Please someone explain the answers to these ridiculous questions so English dropouts everywhere can sleep easily.

TV Desk reply: Stick it, you drugged up orange geeky brummy!

Why were you reading gair rhydd when you live in Bristol anyway, you old toff? The Titanic struggle TV Desk endured last Thursday was the fault of the editor alone, we suggest you badger him rather than try and air our dirty laundry in public. That’s Holly’s job. X

07791165837

I might have been a little mean to all the text pests in the freshers’ issue. What I said was a mistake. When I said you had no life and needed to get some friends, I didn’t mean it. It was me, it wasn’t you. It was nothing you did. It’s just we weren’t in the same place back then. I was just angry and confused. I take it all back. Please come back. I’m sorry. why is Dr. Matthew so obsessed with phil collins? maybe it’s love?

already planned.

my girlfriend is having an affair with a bloke whose pretending to be cool with me - just to warn them, i know and revenge is

There are no more texts.

I’m making all this up now.

I’m just filling up space now. Yes!! Success!!

I got my donkey

Jobs & Money

Page 14

October 4 2004

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

Part time problem?

By Carly O’Donnell

Jobs & Money Editor

"Im really iterested in working for a charity when I graduate. Howver, im concerned that it might be difficult to get a ‘proper’ paid job. Do you have any advice?"

Sarah, 2nd year accountancy The charitable (also known as not-for-profit, voluntary) sector is a major part of our economy, offering opportunities for graduates of any discipline. The important fact to bear in mind is that most charities are businesses and as such will only consider employing people who can quickly ‘add value’ to that organisation.

For this reason, do not expect to come across many charities who will provide in-depth training schemes. One or two of the larger charities offer this as a means of entry but competition for places is exceptionally fierce.

More coffee anyone? Are part time jobs all they’re cracked up to be? term a more practical option is to join a temping agency or the university job shop. They allow you to find work on the days you need it from a variety of sectors without the hassle of long term commitment.

If you find the pressure of maintaing a job with your study becomes too much then its probably best to limit the amount of hours you work. As a rule most univeristies recommend students work no more than 12-15 hours per week. However even this could be considered too many hours during busy exam periods.

The balance between work and study is something the university has become increasingly concerned about over recent years. A university spokesperson said: "We recognise that many students need to work term-time in order to

support themselves.

Through the Unistaff Jobshop, which is a joint Students' Union and University service, students are able to do part-time employment in a safe environment, often in an academic or administrative department. This operation plays a valuable role in reducing the level of student debt."

The success of the job shop has rocketed over recent years reflecting the demand for part time work by Cardiff students. It appears the once belittled and mocked “lazy student bum” has become quite a commodity.

Nadia, jobshop spokesperson, told us "We had just under 4000 students on our books last year, and this number has been increasing every year over the last few years".

This not only displays the huge demand for work by students but also

r h

didn’t really a degree in politics from Cardiff. I I left university two years ago with left with a career dilemma. ing to my already huuuge fancy becoming a polititican so I was g around Asia and Australia (add After spending six months travellin ible adult and get a job. ewhere I had never even overdraft) I decided to be a respons working for Lloyds Bank which is somover! ted star I ing me After much soul-search won ersity. Their graduate scheme considered while I was still at univ a real pain but I felt ready to get a job and earn some money. be can k university I dreaded the Working five days a wee I expected. Throughout my time in ous polyester suit sent like ing noth is girl er care a g a hide so far bein 11am and the thought of wearing time when the day would begin pre and it’s nice to go home a shudder down my spine. . I have made so many new friends In reality getting a job isn’t so bade are no essays to write or exams to revise for. at the end of the day and know ther ing for a week where all I have to worry about is my six hours I do occasionally find myself long r to come play but console myself by remembering the endwea of lectures and what im going to three year diet of beans and tuna. Nice. less hours spent cramming and my Wish you were here?

Anna Richmond

the demand for student labour.

Although most jobs are restricted to bars and restaurants they can open doors to higher paid positions and careers after university so don’t be put off by the menial labour.

A part time job is a great way of applying damage control to your overdraft but renember that it is just a part time job. If it starts to affect your studies its probably not worth it.

If you need any further information about balancing work and study contact the student advice centre on the third floor of the union.

If you are finding it stressful to manage your finances at university the student advice centre located on the thrid floor of the students’ union offer help and support.

A trawl of charitable recruitment websites will show that this is not the end of the story.

Starting roles for graduates in charities throughout the UK include working in administration, fundraising, advice work and coordinating volunteers – all on a paid basis. For any of these, it is vital that you are able to show connection with the ethos of the voluntary sector thoughout your CV. You will certainly be able to demonstrate your personal motivation, involvement whilst at university as well as an impressive range of interpersonal skills. Once established, prospects for progression are promising. For further information, the Sector Briefing ‘The Voluntary Sector’ is available free of charge from the Careers Service Information Room.

None of us actually have jobs so If you have a career question email it to grjobs@cf.ac.uk and we’ll pass on to the careers department. Or you can look up www.Cardiff.ac.uk/carsv

THE JOB FILE...

MONEY MATTERS...

“If you find your work speaks for itself...whatever you do don’t interrupt it”

“Money frees you from the things you dislike. Since i dislike doing everything, money comes in handy”.

ir ga

Postcards from the Real World

yd

d

ALTHOUGH STUDENT life is many things I think everyone would agree that it is not cheap. A recent poll by the Bank of Scotland estimates that the average student pays £121 per week on living while studying.

Add on accommodation and we are talking about £180 a week. And whether it’s from generous parents or an overdraft similar to that of J-Lo’s ass someone is footing the bill.

Increasingly students are taking on part time jobs to ease the financial burden of their degree. But does this affect the quality of their study and student life?

Sixty to seventy percent of students are now estimated to work part time as a means of supporting themselves through university (Bank of Scotland).

This number is thought to increase to as much as ninety percent during the famous three-month "holiday" students are said to receive during the summer. Holiday? We wish.

We are all aware of the stereotypical student cliché… sleeping all day, drinking all night and occasionally attending a lecture.

As a group we don’t do much to dispel this urban myth yet being a student has never meant so much work or financial stress.

Yes, we still spend many nights in the union drinking till we pass out.

But what the evil propaganda masters who circulate the lazy student myth do not see is that most of us are up at seven the next morning serving burgers in Mc Donalds, staking shelves in Tesco or working in various other menial jobs.

The days of the lazy student are over.

The good news is that it’s relatively easy to find part time or casual work in Cardiff. The city is overflowing with bars and restaurants in constant need of student skivys. If you are not sure that you can commit to a job long

Ask the experts...

Henry J Kaiser

H.L. Mencken

Jobs & Money

October 4 2004

Page 15

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

Save the pennies...

FRESHERS’ WEEK is nearly over and you’re armed with your student loan. But cast your mind back to your finanical situation at the end of last term. Not good? to help you conserve your spare cash this term we have come up with some ingenious ways to save money.

1) Ikea, what more needs to be said? It’s a little piece of Sweden, right here in Wales.

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students Union.

Swydd/Job:

Waiting and bar staff

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff Area £5.50 per hour Various Various Hotel and catering recruitment agency seeks plate and silver service waiting staff and bar staff to work at various locations including hotels and outside catering events. Regular and flexible work available 002

2) Always carry a 21st birthday banner with you… bars, restaurants, lectures -- there’s freebies to be had everywhere.

3) When visiting friends or relatives, feel free to raid cupboards for food.

They’ll never know.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

4) Avoid parking tickets by setting your windscreen wipers to full.

5) When eating out make sure you get value for your money by "borrowing" cutlery, glasses, stools and various other useful household items.

6) Ebay. Because there’s always some loser who wants your Steps album. They might have been amusing once, but now they are just wrong. And not even funny in a postmodern, ironic way .

7) Don’t pay for comedy clubs. Visit Clinton Cards and read the comedy card section. Hours of fun, and no chance of being heckled.

8) Turn your student house into a weekend holiday home for visitors to Cardiff. In-house entertainment provided by drunken students.

9) Road signs are always a good look. Work the industrial chic!

10) Who needs a hairdresser when a bottle of vodka and a friend with peroxide will look just as good?

11) Grow accustomed to being bored. It will mean you are never disappointed.

12) Don’t pay for sun beds. The future is bright not orange.

13) Buy a CD, copy it and take it back.

14) Learn the art of disguise. It may prove invaluable when the TV license people pay a visit.

However there are some things that are never worth saving the pennies for…

Crew Cardiff Entertainment Bar/Nightclub £4.50 (in line with NMW) Tal/Wage: 2 or 3 shifts inc. wknd Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Live entertainment bar/nightclub with live bands and party shows requires staff for bar duties, serving customers, cash handling, collecting glasses and stock control. Must have a bubbly personality Swydd/Job: Ardal/Area:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

004

Catering assisstants/kitchen porters Cardiff Area Ardal/Area: £5 plus per hour Tal/Wage: Various Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Various Manylion/Details: Catering recruitment agency is looking for the above staff for assignments in and around the Cardiff Area. Duties will involve the preparation and service of cold food as well as some washing up and cleaning. You will be expected to deal with the geneal public on a daily basis. Training provided Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 003 Swydd/Job:

Swydd/Job:

Call Centre Staff

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5/hr min, up to £12/hr O.T.E. Flexible Ongoing Call centre staff to contact new and existing customers to make appointments for sales reps; a good telephone manner is required

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

005

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us.To register please bring your student card, and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

1) Peacocks, Primark, B Wise. Pikey shops just make you look pikey.

2) Tesco value cheese. It looks like cheese; it smells like cheese; it tastes like that fake plastic sick you buy from joke shops.

3) Homemade presents/cards may say ‘I care’ but they look like bollocks. Re-sale value is not worth squat.

If you have a weird or wonderful way of saving money email us at:

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff

grjobs@cf.ac.uk We won’t give you anything but you might get the warm, fuzzy glow of knowing you’ve helped a fellow student.

Vicki Pollard: yer, but, no, but, yer, you weren’t even there, so sha’up!

■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 07973 571141 for more information.

Health

October 4 2004

Page 17

grhealth@cf.ac.uk

Boobs ‘n’ balls: A touchy subject Below the Belt: Testicular Cancer

By Jess Boydell

Health Editor

COME ON boys, you all like touching your balls at the best of times so why not do it for the good of your health? Besides, you don’t want to die of embarrassment do you?

Testicular cancer kills around 86 men a year, and its victims are not necessarily old. In fact, it can actually occur in men as young as 15.

Furthermore, though only making up one percent of all cancers, testicular cancer is the biggest cause of cancer in young men between 18 and 35.

So grab your balls and start playing because health advisors suggest that men check their testicles about once a month. A lot of the time laziness and embarrassment get the better of many men and they put themselves at risk by not carrying out self-examinations.

But, in turning your back on a cancer which has doubled in the last 20 years you may be putting your life at risk.

It may sound rather scary but you certainly don’t need a medical qualification to examine yourself. In fact, it’s very easy.

■ Ideally you should check yourself after a bath or shower as the skin on the scrotum relaxes and makes the process easier.

■ You should support the whole scrotum in one hand and check the weight is roughly equal on each side.

■ Next, examine each testis in turn.

Use the thumbs of both hands to gently roll the testis between the thumbs

and fingers. They should be smooth and regular in surface.

■ If you find a lump on one of your testicles, pain or tenderness in either testicles or a heavy dragging feeling in the groin or scrotum then you should seek further advice.

If you do find any irregularities then the first thing to remember is not to worry. The chances are that you have a minor and treatable problem but, in a worse case scenario it could be cancer. While a GP should be your first port of call, the University may have help right on your doorstep.

There is a walk-in health centre right next door to the Students’ Union on Park Place and the SHAG society for sexual health may also be able to help you. Based inside the SVC office on the 3rd floor of the Students’ Union, they have literature and advisors who can help you with your concerns.

Scientists are not entirely sure why testicular cancer occurs but if you have had a father or brother with testicular cancer then you are at a higher risk and should check yourself more regularly.

Many types of testicular cancer can be cured, especially if caught in the early stages. 96 percent of cancers caught in the early stages are cured, which gives you even more reason to check yourself regularly in order that any problem is caught and treated quickly. If, like many men, you decide to ignore this issue then you may be putting your fertility and life at risk.

Useful numbers: Free cancer helpline: 0808 808 1010 University Health Centre: 20 874810

Stay in Touch: Breast Cancer

By Maria Cox

Health Reporter

EVERY YEAR 13,000 women die of breast cancer, a sad statistic which could be reduced if only we weren’t so self conscious about checking ourselves.

We don’t seem so bothered about plumping them up and showing them off on a night out, so why is it such an issue to get them out for the good of our health? Besides, leaving your embarrassment aside and touching yourself could save your life.

Although you may stand an increased risk if your family has a strong history of breast cancer, only 510 percent of cancers are actually inherited. It’s no good saying you’re in the risk free zone if your family has never had breast cancer because 80 percent of women with breast cancer have no family history of the disease.

On the other hand, breast cancer tends to affect women over the age of 50 years. However, from birth to the age of 39 one woman in 231 will develop breast cancer, so it’s just good practice to watch out for those signs no matter how old you are.

The most common thing to look for is a lump or general lumpiness within the breast. These lumps can either feel attached or loose within your breasts and you may find changes in your nipples such as crusting, discharge or general redness. Persistent pain that is not linked to your menstrual cycle, particularly if the pain occurs in one breast, may also be a sign.

The best way to check yourself is to stand in front of the mirror and take note of the size, shape and skin around

your nipples. If there are any differences between the nipples that don’t go away then make an appointment with your local GP. Always feel your breasts when doing simple things like changing or having a bath and, as you get older, take regular screening visits at your local health clinic.

It is important to remember that not all changes to your breasts will be due to cancer. Many will be related to your menstrual cycle, pregnancy and changes as your breasts develop with age. Common cases often mistaken for lumps are fluid filled sacs called cysts. These are of no need to be concerned with and are easily treated.

Unfortunately it is impossible to pin point an exact cause of breast cancer.

Many believe that the use of the pill could be a cause, but in all truth there is still no hard evidence.

Contraceptive pills with low oestrogen-progesterone ratio are currently considered safe and may even help reduce the risk of ovarian cancer.

However there are certain factors which you should keep in mind to reduce your risk:

Check Yourself

Firstly, take note of the size and shape of your breasts and the skin around your nipples.

■ Eat plenty of fruit and vegetables.

Try and eat five portions a day.

■ Maintain a healthy weight.

Turn from side to side and look at one breast at a time. Remember to look from every direction.

■ Drink alcohol only in moderation, if at all.

■ Be physically active for at least an hour everyday.

■ Select low fat foods and eat fewer cakes, pastries and biscuits.

By making some of these simple changes to your lifestyle you will be helping to reduce your risk of developing breast cancer.

Further Advice For advice on either breast or testicular cancer see your GP. If you are unable to see a GP remember you can get help and advice from SHAG, Cardiff University’s own society for sexual health. You can of course visit your local GUM clinic or the University’s health centre. But the thing to remember is that if you are concerned, don’t let your fears get the better of you. You stand a better chance of helping yourself if you gather the strength and get those lumps and bumps checked out at first finding.

Keep your fingers together and your hand flat while feeling the entire breast including the armpit and shoulder region. Try this with circular motions.

You may find this easier to do lying on your back.

SHAG’s Balls The SHAG society for sexual health awarness are holding a Boobs and Balls night in Solus on Friday 22 October. They will be giving out advice, free condoms and literature about both cancers and STI’s as well as performing demonstrations.

All money raised by bucket collections go to the Tenovus charity for cancer awareness.

If you want any help, advice or free condoms visit the SHAG office on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

Media

October 4 2004

Page 19

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Protect journalists’ sources Is the government jeopardising the freedom of our press?

By Andy Furniss Media Correspondent and Bec Storey Media Editor

J

ournalists in America are being threatened with prison for failing to reveal sources of information.

Two years ago, while searching for reasons to attack Iraq, George W Bush alleged that Iraq were attempting to purchase uranium from Africa to fuel its nuclear weapons program.

The CIA, as a result, sent Joseph C. Wilson, a former US ambassador to Niger to investigate the allegation, who was at the time a staunch critic of Bush’s comments on Iraq’s nuclear weapons program.

Wilson returned from Niger with no evidence to support the allegation and charged the Bush administration with misuse of intelligence.

This angered the Bush administration who allegedly retaliated by telephoning six Washington journalists and leaking the story that Wilson’s wife was an undercover CIA agent, in an attempt to attack his credibility.

This act was a breach of federal law, and left the White House Officials responsible with the risk of a prison sentence. Yet, it is the journalists who are now being threatened with prison.

It is a cardinal rule of journalism that the anonymity of sources be maintained. In fact, the National Union of Journalists’ code of conduct states that "a journalist shall protect confidential sources of information".

An essential skill of investigative journalism is the development of a good pool of sources for information.

Crucially, without the promise of anonymity there is an increased risk that such sources will refuse to come forward.

In fact, the European Court of Human Rights recognises the importance of respecting sources’ anonymity saying that "without protection, sources may be deterred from assisting the press in informing the public on matters of public interest".

FORMER US AMBASSADOR: Joseph C.Wilson The court later recognised the potentially "chilling effect" that requiring journalists to reveal their sources could have on the press.

Laws already exist in many countries which provide a shield for journalists in this area.

In the US, the First Amendment to the Constitution guarantees the freedom of the press.

Meanwhile, in the UK, the

Contempt of Court Act of 1981 states that a journalist will not be found in contempt if they refuse to reveal their sources.

The UK government recognises the vital role that ‘whistle blowers’ play in improving services and have, as a result, passed legislation- the Public Interest Disclosure Act of 1998.

This encourages people to come forward with information if they think it is in the public interest to do so. The Act provides protection for these people from unfair conduct in their job, as a result of speaking out.

The Act also states that a person cannot be sacked from their job if they ‘blow the whistle’ on somebody else.

If this does happen, the person has the right to go before an Employment Tribunal and argue their case of unfair dismissal.

Of course, there are both moral and legal exceptions to the basic principle.

For example, a journalist hearing of an imminent terrorist attack may conlude that there is a greater public interest in revealing the threat and saving lives than in respecting the anonymity of the source of the information.

In the US, federal and state laws exempt lawyers, doctors, therapists, priests and spouses from testifying in a case where they are in a position of trust in relation to the defendant.

Journalists also find themselves in a relationship of trust with their sources, so why not include them?

In fact, 31 states do provide limited relief for journalists, whereby they may only be called if their evidence is essential and otherwise unobtainable.

The UK Contempt of Court Act of 1981 guarantees that a journalist won’t

U.S. CONSTITUTION: BILL OF RIGHTS AMENDMENT 1: CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW RESPECTING AN ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION, OR PROHIBITING THE FREE EXERCISE THEREOF; OR ABRIDGING THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH, OR OF THE PRESS. be held in contempt of court unless the information relates to: a criminal investigation, a threat to national security, or where it is in the interests of justice to reveal the source.

These exceptions to the basic principle are thankfully narrow. In practice, journalists rarely find themselves in the possession of such sensitive information.

“More recently US journalists have been brought before the courts in an attempt to get them to reveal their sources”

This means that a journalist can stick to the basic principle of protecting the source of confidential information.

Yet, this principle is being challenged. For example, last summer Andrew Gilligan was threatened with contempt of court if he did not reveal his source of the "45 minute claim"that Iraq could launch a nuclear attack in 45 minutes.

Meanwhile, in 2000, a Dutch journalist, Koen Voskuil, was detained in prison for refusing to reveal his sources for two stories he wrote which concerned a criminal investigation.

More recently, journalists in the US have been brought before the courts in an attempt to get them to reveal their sources.

Time Magazine reporter Matthew Cooper was ordered to be detained for refusing to reveal his source.

He was also ordered to pay $1,000 for every day he refused to reveal the source. This judgment was immediately appealed, meaning Cooper would not have to go to prison or pay until an appeal was heard.

FAIR (Fairness & Accuracy in Reporting), the American media watch group, attempted to persuade the journalists involved to reveal their sources.

They argued that although it goes against the principles of a journalist to

reveal sources of information, this cannot apply where it is used to shield government wrongdoing.

Since FAIR’s statement, Cooper has dropped his appeal and revealed his source. Cooper won’t be going to prison after all, but the threat of prison still hangs over the heads of journalists.

That threat is not absent on this side of the Atlantic either. If a journalist is found to be in contempt of court for refusing to reveal a source, they could face up to 18 months behind bars.

This draconian action has not been taken in recent times. In fact, the last time a journalist was jailed was in 1963.

These days, judges prefer to fine the journalist and publication in question for their refusal to reveal a source.

TIME MAGAZINE REPORTER: threatened with prison.

The principle of protection needs to be observed and more importantly any request for a journalist to reveal their source should only be made if it is within the narrow exceptions provided for by the legislation.

If a court orders a journalist to name their source in a situation outside of the exceptions, this could have a ‘snowball’ effect, and soon journalists will be required to name their source in a wide range of situations.

The effect of that on the journalism industry is potentially catastrophic, with the quality of news diminishing radically.

A journalist could be described as a ‘watchdog’ for the public. For them to fulfil this role they need their sources.

This can only happen if the laws are strictly adhered to and journalists are left to protect their sources where they are entitled to.

The protection of sources is a tool of the journalist’s trade. Quite simply, they cannot do without it.

Free Stuff

October 4 2004

Page 21

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! Just a quick note with aplogies for my little fuck up last week. Technolgical difficulties you see. Those of you who may have wanted to enter and win the Miss Selfridge vouchers last week will have noticed a lack of question. So to fill you in the question followed as such: The Autumn/Winter collection has been inspired by which era? (it was 1930’s glamour, just in case you were unsure.) Aplogies to Miss Selfridge also. Please send in your answers, for this or any other wonderful competition I’ve got going please email me at the above address or slip me a note in my pigion hole on the 4th floor of the union. Good Luck

Want to be a

ALWAYS THOUGHT of yourself as having model good looks? Ever thought you could handle that jetset lifestyle, nothing really to do but castings, photoshoots and partying the night away with beautiful male stars?

Well, I don’t think I could hack it, but I’m certain there are a few funloving and beautiful ladies in this uni that could.

So here is you chance. Miss Selfridge, that lovely company who give you all those free vouchers every few issues, have teamed up with Premier model management to find their new ‘Miss Selfridge 2004.’

For those who may not of heard of Premier Models Management, They are one of the UK’s leading modelling agencies representing some of the biggest names in the world of fashion and entertainment, past supermodel clients include Naomi Campbell and Cristy

Turlington.

Also, Kate Moss modelled for Miss Selfridge before she hit the big time, so if you want to be very successful in the modelling industry, this really is the place to go.

Miss Selfridge are on the hunt for a unique star quality, as an ever evolving brand for the high street, for a women with originality and individuality.

Any potential models must be confident, self-fulfilled, stylish and feminine. They are really searching for a role model for our generation of young women.

Think this could you be you?

With a 500 quid wardrobe incentive to help the winner out for future castings and glamourous parties what are you waiting for?

Teams of talent scouts will be visiting selected stores across the UK in search for their new girl. You must be between the ages of 16 and 24 and over 5’8" tall. 12 final-

‘ello Poppet

IF YOU head to Endsleigh insurance for a quote, they are giving away free packs of poppets for any student in need of insurance (Reason to go in even if you already have insurance if you ask me). But us at grab! have gone one better than Endsleigh. For one lucky reader I am giving away a whole years supply of Poppets.

They might be little, but now they are back on our shelves with more attitude than ever. And who better to try out the ballsy new image than us party–loving students, eh?

Emma Gilbert, brand manager for Poppets said: "Poppets are back with a vengeance and as a fun snack with bags of attitude, we think they’re the perfect chocolate companion for students, especially in those mad first weeks of University."

The cheeky Monkey emblems are so cute and each pack includes a mad dare to carry out while drunken and staggering

Model?

home from the pub. They still have that famous rattle and great taste. Less fat than a mars bar too. Well, I assume so, as they are much smaller.

The dark and milk chocolate covered treats are decidedly irresistible and now there’s an even wider range to choose from. Old favourites – Toffee, Mint and Raisin – are now joined by two new flavours, Crunchy Cookies and Orange.

Super cheap as well, Poppets are available to buy at most retailers, an absolute steal at 33p for a carton or £1.10 for a bag. What more could you ask for from a chocolate? And I’m giving you a whole years worth of the lovely stuff for free.

I’m far too nice to you all, so generous. I could smuggle the lot home and feast on them but no. Being the kind and giving editor I am, I’m giving it all to you.

All you have to do is answer this super easy question: Which two varieties have been added to the range? Enter in the usual way.

ists from the different heats will be selected for a grand final in Manchester on 11th November.

The winner will not only win the 500 quid wardrobe courtesy of Miss Selfridge, but they will be come the new face of Miss Selfridge for a year. Who knows what the future will hold for that lucky individual after that.

The scouts will be visiting the Miss Selfridge stores between 1pm – 5pm on the following dates: ■ 2nd October Manchester ■ 9th October Liverpool / Leeds ■ 16th October Cardiff / Brighton ■ 23rd October Edinburgh / Newcastle ■ 28th & 29th October London

And the Winner is...

MARTY’S KITCHEN. I award them the best Muffins I’ve ever tasted award.

I went on a diet recently (it was a two week trial rather than a weight loss thing).

Fucking horrible. I wasn’t allowed chocolate or pasta.

Not a thing. When I came off the diet I visited this lovely coffee shop on Crwys Road. It was very posh and cheap too.

Anyway, these Muffins are homemade, so you get a different flavour every time you visit.

My friend had a malteaser flavoured Muffin and I experienced a Rolo Muffin, with whole Rolos inside it. Lovely.

If you are not in a chocolate mood, they also do fruit flavours, some I have seen include Lemon and Passion fruit. A little bit of heaven.

Something for the Lads NOW, AS I can be accused of making this page a little girlie, what with the models, muffins and chocolate, I felt I really should add something for the men. Heaven forbid, I could be guilty of gender bias.

So just for you blokes,this picture has come highly recommended from the lads in the office. The lovely Cristina Ricci in all her bikini glory.

Who do you think is amazingly beautiful? Send in your suggestions for lads and ladies to the usual address and I’ll get them on the page for you.

Five minute fun

Page 22

October 4 2004

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

*The title may constitute false advertising this week, as it’s not really that ‘Big’. Although our lawyers assure us that it is still both ‘The’ and ‘Quiz’.

1. What is the air speed velocity of an unladen Swallow?

A: 90mph B: Depends on how fast you’re drinking C: What, African or European?

2. Freshers’ Fair is what, if you’re not a fresher?

A: Good, clean fun B: Not at all as hot as the seventh circle of Hades C: Enough to make you want to commit suicide by pushing your thumbs into your eye sockets, until the severe eye trauma causes the brain to cease functioning

4.

A: B: C: D: E:

Foxhunting is: Morally wrong, and bizarrely freakish Deliberately designed to piss off hippies Completely unrelated to politics A pastime for the rich and stupid Waitrose brigade Spiffing, full of lively joys, and a rum old time, what?

5. According to last week’s Blue Bar, What did Wolfgang want?

A: A man, to give him hot ragged sausage hiding love B: A bloody good kicking C: A monkey D: Gold, Frankenscence and Myrrh E: An ounce, a pouch of Golden Vadge, and a pack of blue Rizla

Annsummers: 1.C 2.C 3.B&D 4.A,B,C, or D 5.C

Q

The Big Quiz*

3. What is the difference between gair rhydd and Quench?

A: About two days, a bottle of meths, and some PCP B: One’s a magazine, and one’s a newspaper, therefore one concentrates on news and current affairs, and the other is lifestyle based C: There is none, they both constitute the same entity D: One’s run by Gar y, and the other is run by a degenerate who has no business running a bath, let alone a publication

NEW FEATURE! It’s a variation on the Porn Star Names thing.

I’ve included mine, to get you started.

You might like to think of some more on your own... If you’re really, really bored.

Film Star Name: Grandparent’s first name + Favourite chocolate (David Ferrero Roche) Fashion Designer Name: First word you think of + Favourite restaurant (Breaks Riverside) Secret Agent Name: Favourite animal + Name of favourite precious stone (girls) or metal (boys) (Dog Silver) Bollywood Name: Middle name + Name of favourite Indian food (Rohan Jalfrezi) Rock Star Name: Favourite Thundercats character’s name + Favourite musician’s last name (Panthro Daley)

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

I was under the impression that this page was called ‘five minute’ fun. As it stands, it has bloated to epic, nay Tolkien-ian proportions, in that this will be my third installment. Rock on Tommy! This page nearly had an editor, and if you’re out there, tall blonde girl whom I offered the page to the other day, please come in, your time is up. Should the young lady be less than willing, then the ten second rule will apply, and this page will be sacrificed to the most keen applicant. Here’s your chance to get your foot in the door of gair rhydd, and from there, the sky’s the limit.

Not only does the experience look shit-hot on your CV, but you get to actually enjoy your work. After all, first toil, then the grave.

No-one entered last week (that we know of), so the crossword remains unchanged. Also, we may have lost the keys for the competition boxes.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Porn star name: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office. Serious mate, It’s a free curry, like.

In the event of a tie, please write your porn star name on your entry (you know, the one you get by taking your first pet’s name as your first name, and your mum’s maiden name as your surname). Funniest one wins, and it has to be real...

Yours, Deputy Jim, on a wing and a prayer, like the Flying Nun.

Across

Down

7. Horse chestnut (coll) (6) 8. Chancellor’s traditional house number (6) 9. Car on rails (4) 10. Expected golf score (3) 11. Plaster, daub (4) 12. Spade-like tool (6) 14. Gentleman farmer (6) 16. Muscle that bends a joint (6) 19. ___ wedding, 50th anniversary (6) 21. Staunch (4) 23. Large skate (3) 24. Secure with key (4) 25. Blunt rejection (6) 26. Fake (6)

1. The ___ Protocol, thriller

by Frederick Forsyth (6) 2. Glide lightly over (4) 3. Drive or push forward (6) 4. Almost (6) 5. Smallest US coin (4) 6. Former currency unit of Spain (6) 13. Annoy (3) 15. Liquid mineral (3) 17. Strewn rubbish (6) 18. Make less dense (6) 19. Spring that spouts hot water (6) 20. Stir (6) 22. Loose ___, informal scrimmage in rugby (4) 24. Itemise (4)

Television

October 4 - October 10 2004

Page 25

upthebuminnagasaki@tvdeskbackonform.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV Oct 4th-Oct 10th

Arsey Darcy Chomps on Lou’s Parsley

HOT Strawberries Unless found in your bed after a period of your own personal absence, we think that these are the berries that rock. And they’re so dirty, the little red mites. Watch out for the pips in your teeth though.

Definitely not sexy.

SOAPS Dark side of the Moon So that’s it then. Kat’s gone off on an indefinite hiatus (ie she’s up the duff and they don’t want the character to be) so what’s left for Alfie to do? Oh yes, let’s turn him into a womanising prat, which is entirely unlike his character so far given he’s been obsessed with Kat since day one. So anyway, this week we get to see bad boy Alfie going out on the pull and generally groping everything that struts about wearing jack all clothing. They could have neatly tied in this story with all the fuck-for-brains tossy “up for it “ freshers, like the ones that accosted poor TV Will outside the office last week. We all know he’s the fit ass of the office, but hands off girls! Back to Eastenders, which of Walford’s many wet wenches fall under the spell of the dark side of the Moon...

Well, dear reader, I am glad you have managed to swallow your bile and join us again post last week’s disastrous, terrible and tragic fiasco. As you MUST know by now, it was not our fault that we had no listings. It was a techno error, forcing us to rely on the antiquated method of copying programmes from heat and the Radio Times. But you seem to have forgiven this, and so we’ll reward your tenacious loyalty with some picks for the pissy week ahead.

First up, and I know this is shocking, but it’s true - Lou, the big man with the strong heart (or whatever it was Toadie would have us believe) is banged up but I don’t care about that. No, no, what really gets me is his cellmate: Darcy Tyler. Last seen lou-sing his mind, failing to marry either Tess or Dee (RIP), and screwing over Karl ‘The Dude’ Kennedy, Darcy was imprisoned for fraud, or deception, or theft, or something. I know it’s hard to believe, but Australia really does have that small a population. n. I also recommend The Amorous Prawn (Channel 4, Wedensday, 1.40). A fishy tale of romance, comic gestures and thousand island dressing, this really is one to watch.

Warning: this product contains shellfish.

My second pick is What Not to Wear: Menopause (BBC1, Wednesday, 8pm).

Quite what they expect you to wear during the ‘pause

is beyond me - perhaps they’d recommend a nice kaftan that doubles as a sanitary towel and flat shoes (you don’t want to attract men in your state, dear, and we all know that stilettos are fuck-me shoes).

Who knows? What we do know is that tits will be squeezed and bums will be pinched. Just don’t do it too hard, ladies - you don’t want your candidates to squirt on you. Lots of love from TV Holly xxx Vrrrooom Vrrrooom! Has TV John got some tasty TV dinners for those single male gobshites out there who like to feast on fast cars and adren-

aline-fuelled action during the early hours of the morning? Don’t pretend that doesn’t include not you, Barry, 2nd year Engineering, I saw you hurrying home from Trevithick the other day clutching your Matchbox Lotus Esprit and ‘driving’ it along the walls on Richmond Road, you big Jessie.

Anyway, get your jotters with naked ladies on the front out guys (but only when the parents you obviously still live with aren’t looking) and make note: S4C, Friday night. From 2.30am onwards, you’ve got fast bikes, fast cars, powerboating, PORSCHES. Yum yum, doesn’t that sound tasty. And when you’ve finished being patronised, you can stick The Sims up your ass, too.

For people who want to feel cutting edge, watch Hollyoaks (CH4, 6.30pm) The story about Justin and his “abuse” of drugs is absolutely hilarious. Sample quote “A lot of people have problems Charlene, but we don’t all turn to abusing pot”.

Crime of the century!

And finally, unless you’ve been sending dirty fan-mail to Darcy from Neighbours all week like I have, you’ll know that Channel5 is showing a fascinating programme called The Farm (10pm). Learn all about the nervous system of pigs, discover what cows do with all their stomachs and marvel at the sight of a duck having sex. If you found biology GCSE a little boring, you’ll find this understandable, educative and even fun.

NOT

Cream Whether real or as a euphemism, cream is pretty rank, isn’t it. I mean, it’s either solidified cow pus, or nasty man-milk, and it smells weird. The sort of people that say it’s the ‘only’ accompaniment to strawbs is the sort of person who wanks to classical music.

SPORT We should have probably mentioned this last week, but shit happens, especially on the TV desk. But this summer has seen the welcome return of Match of The Day (Saturday 10.30pm, BBC 1). New gimmicks include a standing Gary Lineker and match highlights over 1984 by Estelle.

FILMS Deuce Bigalo: Male Gigolo (Monday 9pm, ITV2) is described

by TV Holly as the “worst film she has ever seen” or more blunty, “a load of flange”. Never one to mince her words, or even mince her mince, Holly’s opinion is one to be trusted. Instead watch True Lies (Tuesday 9pm, ITV2), a near decent Schwarzenegger movie.

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY

RADIO

Sticking with the Neighbours theme, Grease Monkeys (BBC3, Friday, 9pm) follows the history of Harold Bishop’s classy burger joint.

Why the 50’s theme? What were Harolds’ motives behind the buy, where does he find so many sassy waitresses and what’s its annual turnover? All your business questions answered in this fascinating documentary. Includes saucy footage of Lou and Harold jiving.

Alternatively, if business isn’t your bag, how about a history lesson with The Body of...Hitler (BBC3, Monday, 9pm) Not entirely sure they’ll broach this subject here, but Hitler liked his women to defecate on him. Yummy. In this programme however, they re-create his body from birth to death to explore his illnesses (ahh, that’ll be when they discover the shit fetish) and the drugs he was taking. If neither of these delicious satellite feasts takes your fancy, why don’t you just watch a bit of Sky One? I hear they show The Simpsons, and there’s a double bill of Pokemon. What more could you possibly want?

Due to the TV desk’s tendencies to err on the side of recklessness when it comes to writing the TV pages, radio has been neglected in place of disclaimers excusing our incompetence. Fret not wireless fans, for here is a brief guide to this weeks radio!

Fans of Manchester’s Key 103 may remember JK and Joel from their rubbish breakfast show on the station. Now Radio 1 fans can catch their ‘unique’ form of inane banter and wacky chatter in the middle of the night. Their prebreakfast show is sure to make compulsive listneing.

On a more honest note, My Family star Robert Lindsay’s Putting on The Style (Tuesday 8.30pm, Radio 2) has put together a nice series about stylish screen stars. I know none of you have probably never heard of Radio 2 but it can be quite good.

Sometimes. Once in a while.

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind Canadian goon Jim Carrey doubles his number of decent films to two with this magnificent Charlie Kaufmann romantic comedy. DIrected by Michel Gondry and also starring Kate Winslet, Sunshine rivals Adaptation and Being John Malkovich in terms of wierdness, originality and sheer brilliantness. While addmitedly the last superlative wasn’t actually a word, it really is very good.

Dawn of The Dead Although I really, really went into the pictures thnking I’d hate this film I didn’t. Yet my hatred for all things white and sloppy continues. But that’s another matter.

This remake of George Romero’s horror classic is jolly good fun, except for those killed by zombies I imagine. Unfortunately for the films makers the infinitely superior Shawn of the Dead came out about a week later and pissed all over it. Like an old lady’s bedsheets.

Monday

Page 26

October 4 - October 10 2004

tvwilly@deserter.com

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Dirty Mary BBC1 12.20am

The Tell Tale Heart S4C 10.20am

World’s Funniest Animals

ITV2 7.05pm

Cheers S4C 1.15pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tots TV 15.35 Boo! 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Stables 16.20 Mona the Vampire 16.35 In 2 Minds 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Airport: Air Ambulance 19.30 Wales Yesterday 20.00 EastEnders As far as I can tell, that scary girl wot woz on Richard and Judy last week is still knocking around. I haven’t checked, so you’re best off buying a Radio Times or something, you cheapskate.

20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Traffic Cops Special: Too Young To Die 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Jack Dee Live at the Apollo 23.20 Public Opinion 23.50 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross 00.20 FILM: Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry with Peter Fonda and Susan George.

(Action, 1974) 01.55 Sign Zone: Country House 02.25 Sign Zone

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 The Adventures of Marco and Gina 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 Ocean Odyssey 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Postman Pat 08.45 Wide Eye 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Science Clips 10.40 Look and Read 11.00 Look and Read 11.20 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 The Daily Politics: Conference Special 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Snooker Grand Prix 14.30 The Daily Politics: Conference Special 16.30 Snooker Grand Prix 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 18.45 Snooker Grand Prix 20.00 Mastermind 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 21.30 Room 101 22.00 Early Doors Thoughtful documentary presented by Michael Aspel. Aspel engages with a group of historians about the evolution of that much neglected houshold part, the door. Highlights include the controversial introduction of the sliding door to the British market in the early 1950s.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Snooker Grand Prix 00.00 Snooker Extra 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: The French Experience Like the French connection, except you actually end up smelling of garlic. I’ve actually pulled after eating the stuff.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go! 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 House Price Challenge 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Meg And Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.50 Mucha Lucha 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 60 Minute Makeover 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News; 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Apparently, Liz hits Jim where it hurts or something. That’ll be the big man’s moustacheadorned face then.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 Frances Tuesday 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week 23.30 Savage Planet: Dangerous Waters 00.00 The Jules And Lulu Show 00.30 Champions’ League 00.55 Building the Dream 01.20 Moving Day 01.45 Trisha 02.40 Everything Must Go 03.05 Entertainment Now! Now? This very second? Okay then. “Oh baby I love your way, every day, I want to be with you night and day” TV Willy then precedes to juggle whilst reeling off limericks about his native city of Cork 03.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 03.55 Get Stuffed!

04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Speaking of which, did anyone join the Juggling Club on Thursday? “They’ll teach you” they claimed. Someone ought to teach them how to put a sign up on a wall first. Fannies.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Nikki 09.15 Grudge Match 09.30 The Story of the Novel 10.20 Classic Short Prose: The Tell Tale Heart 10.45 History in Action: Race in the 20th Century 11.05 National Gallery 11.10 The First World War 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Cyfrinach Hurt Mr Hurt 13.00 Pentre Bach 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant 16.20 Medabots 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy Friends 18.00 Rownd a Rownd 18.30 Wedi 7 19.00 Newyddion News.

19.30 Pobol y Cwm 20.00 Ffermio Weekly 20.25 Mostyn Fflint 'N Aye! Here goes: I used to live in a place called Moston in Manchester, it was a bit rough. There is also a place called Flint in North Wales, which is where TV Holly is from.

Unfortunately neither TV John nor Katie lives or has lived in a place called ‘N AYE. 21.30 Sgorio 22.35 Y Clwb Rygbi 23.05 Torso in the Thames: The Search for Adam's Killers 00.05 Without a Trace 01.00 The Worst Jobs in History Emptying Jimmy Saville’s colostomy bag with your teeth.02.00 FILM: Truly, Madly, Deeply With Juliet Stevenson and Alan Rickman.

04.0Ysgolion/Schools

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Franny's Feet 09.30 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon with Kirsty Young, or as the Super Furries call her, Kirtsy Mwng 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Farm 15.40 FILM: A Perry Mason Mystery: The Case of the Lethal Lifestyle 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 MadforArts 19.30 World's Greatest Ships 20.00 Megastructures Xpress Radio’s budget for the next year after conning new members out of 15 bin lids for a free Michael Jackson T-shirt.

I just popped in there for a wee and they were quaffing caviar and Crystal champagne.

Come and write for gair rhydd, it’s free and you get to be obscene without being sent letters from Broadcasting Standards.

21.00 The Truth About? Kate Moss Her dogging fantasies are often complex and involve male members of the TV desk.

22.00 The Farm 23.05 Britain's Favourite Comedian 23.35 Naked Celebrity: 00.30 Lexx 01.15 NFL Live ? Monday Night American Football: Baltimore Ravens v Kansas City

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Body of Adolf Hitler 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps It really makes you wonder: how many episodes were made of this shitter? If the Beeb really have nothing else to fit their schedules but two episodes of this a night there must be a fair few. All hilarious nevertheless.

23.30 The Smoking Room 00.00 The Smoking Room 00.30 Sex, Warts and All Down Under What this has to do with the sexual health of our antipodean cousins or our little bits and bobs in our own panty ‘down under’ I really don’t know 01.00 Sex, Warts and All 01.30 Body of Adolf Hitler 02.25 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 02.55 Guerrilla Homes 03.25 Guerrilla Homes Series investigating the living arrangements of Gibraltan monkeys.

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.25 Judge Judy 18.20 Jerry Springer: Outrageous American If being outrageous means exploiting America’s under-class for all they can eat.

19.05 The Planet's Funniest Animals 19.30 Champions’ League Weekly 20.00 Airline USA 20.30 The Planet's Funniest Animals 21.00 FILM: Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo 22.45 Coronation Street 23.15 Coronation Street 23.45 The Frank Skinner Show 00.35 World Rally Championship 01.35 Late Show with David Letterman 02.15 Teleshopping 04.15 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Kong 06.30 The Match 08.00 The Match 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 FILM: Blackout Effect ** 12.35 House Sitters 13.05 The X-Files 14.00 The Match 15.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Match 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 The Match Exploitative documentay about Ledley, a cooking match accussed of arson. Some scenes may shock younger viewers.

22.00 Street Wars Stars of Coronation Street take on Big Bird and the rest of the Sesame Street gang in a fight to the death challenge.

23.00 Deadwood 00.15 The Match 01.15 Star Trek: The Next Generation 02.05 House Sitters 02.35 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

14.00 Without a Trace 14.55 Can You Pull...Britney? 15.30 The Next Joe Millionaire 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 The Next Joe Millionaire 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The OC Marissa and Ryan find that being just friends is harder than they thought it would be.

22.00 Kings of Comedy In-depth tribute to the gr TV desk staff.

Presented by Brian Capron.

22.30 The Simple Life 2 23.00 Without a Trace of humour. Watch again as TV Willy destroys the reputation of the esteemed gr TV desk with his botched sense of humour.

00.00 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 00.30 Hollyoaks 00.55 The OC 01.45 The Simple Life 2 Paris and Nicole flaunt their breats and arse on a road trip to absolutely fucking nowhere 02.15 Layer Cake: Bullets, Babes and Bad Guys 02.40 Kings of Comedy 03.05 Kings of Comedy: Late Night

08.50 Nikki 09.15 Grudge Match 11.05 National Gallery 11.10 The First World War: Breaking the Deadlock 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Grudge Match 13.15 FILM: Pal Joey With Rita Hayworth and Frank Sinatra.

(Musical Comedy, 1957) Directed by George Sidney.

15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Political Slot 20.00 The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off 21.00 World's Worst Century: Agincourt 22.00 Without a Trace 23.30 The Sopranos 00.40 FILM: Northern Soul Directed

by Shane Meadows. 01.10 FILM: Women Call the Shots: Mr & Mrs Iyer (Drama) Directed

by Sabiha Sumar. 03.25 The Playful Muse 03.50 Hurtle 04.00 Extra 2 Joy of joys. This year TV Willy has Channel 4 in his house, so he can now bring you witty insights on programmes no-one else can watch. Just not this week.

Tuesday

October 4th - October 10th 2004

Page 27

freshers@gettinginmyway.com

The Ferret ITV 7.30pm

My Parents are Aliens ITV1 4.30pm

Get Stuffed!

ITV 3.45am

Hot Love SkyOne 4.20am

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 The Adventures of Marco and Gina 06.50 Rotten Ralph 07.00 Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge 07.05 Tom 07.30 Ocean Odyssey 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Postman Pat 08.45 Wide Eye 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Maths Challenge 10.45 Maths Challenge 10.55 Overnight Success 11.15 The Daily Politics: Conference Special 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 Snooker Grand Prix 14.30 The Daily Politics: Conference Special 16.30 Snooker Grand Prix 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice All about TV Katie. Ah, I remember when I was just starting here too, oh, the memories. And the initiation ceremony...

18.45 FAW Premier Cup Live: Newton v Bangor City Yeah, I’ll be staying in for this one.

21.00 Loving Christian: This Is My Family Cliff Richard shares his love of his family with the rest of the nauseous nation.

21.50 Bribing for Britain?

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Holidays in the Danger Zone: America Was Here: Vietnam 23.50 What the Romans Did for Us: End of Empire 00.00 Snooker Extra 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Curriculum Bites: Wan2Tlk Science 04.00 Curriculum Bites Grr, big white space. Ah well, I’ll just tell you all about my hatred for students. Yes, that’ll alienate most of my target audience, but you know, white space and all.

Oh dear, I’ve run out of space.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go! 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 House Price Challenge 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Mucha Lucha 16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 60 Minute Makeover 18.00 ITV1 Wales News Rampant leeks take over Caerphilly and rape all men under 30.

18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Debbie makes a mistake by lying to Cain. She’s in for a good fisting then. Say you’re sorry, quick - he’s got hands like stop signs.

19.30 The Ferret Sarah Hibbard & Chris Segar go 'ferreting'.

Fnnnaaarrr!

20.00 Package Holiday Undercover 21.00 Frances Tuesday 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: The People under the Stairs Featuring Liza Minelli, Debbie McGee, Natasha Bedingfield and Michael Jackson (on bail). ** 00.50 CD:UK Hotshots 01.15 Grounded for Life 01.35 Take the Mike 02.05 Trisha 02.55 Today with Des and Mel 03.45 Get Stuffed! Where are the cocks? 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.55 Nikki 09.20 Grudge Match 09.30 The Story of the Novel 10.20 Classic Short Prose 10.45 History in Action: Race in the 20th Century 11.05 National Gallery 11.10 gcsEASE: Health and Social Care 11.35 Bobinogi All about a young whelp of a lad named Bob, who decided to make himself more ‘karazee’ by giving himself a Welsh-sounding name.

Pity it actually translates as ‘dickbreath’ then.

11.50 Bobinogi Ah, the karazee kid comes back for seconds.

Only we hate him! Down with Bob, aka Dickbreath!

12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Goglais yn Achub y Dydd 13.00 Clwb Clebr 13.05 Caio 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown Conundrum: SMARMIEMA. Do you reckon I can get a job there now? I could do better than Carol anyway.

Well, I can’t do maths but I certainly dress better than she does (and believe me, that’s not saying much about myself).

16.00 Planed Plant 16.10 Clwb Winx 16.35 Cath Yn Cwrdd 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Taro 9 21.00 Diwygiad 04/05 22.00 Talcen Caled 22.55 NY-LON Big, fat, hairy bollocks. 23.55 The West Wing 00.50 Going Straight 01.50 Jewish Law 02.50 KOTV Classics 04.00 Ysgolion/Schools

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Franny's Feet 09.30 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Farm 15.40 FILM: Formula for Death Equals Thursday night, TV Desk, naughty computers and no sleep. ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away The school is trashed by vandals. Quick, get Flathead onto it! Is he still there anymore? God, I feel so old. Somebody asked me the other day if I was a Fresher in the nineties.

Gah! 18.30 Family Affairs Tanya invites two men for dinner. They’ll be sorry when they leave her house tomorrow morning with devoured genitals and sore heads.

19.00 five news 19.30 Weapons of World War II: Tanks 20.00 Vietnam's Bloody Secret 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 The Farm 23.05 Britain's Favourite Comedian 23.35 World's Wildest Police Videos Featuring Diana Ross, Bjork and Cher.

Sorry, Tired.

00.20 Angel 01.05 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classics: Vasquez v Gomez 01.40 Indy Racing League: California Speedway 02.30 Argentinian Football Highlights 03.15 Argentinian Football 04.45 Major League Soccer

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.00 EastEnders Pauline trips over a mop and Sonia bellows while in the bath. Oh, and Martin does a poo.

22.30 Good Girls Don't Oh, this is rubbish. I though that it might be quite surreal and whatever, but actually it’s like Dawson’s Creek, without the depth and with no humour, Dross.

22.55 The Graham Norton Effect Graham lets us in on more stories from the internet.

‘I found this website, it’s all about fisting...’ Oops, I’m rumbled.

23.40 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.10 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.40 Sex, Warts and All 01.10 Sex, Warts and All 01.40 Liquid Assets 02.40 Sex, Warts and All

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Ask a Silly Question “Do you want to take a break?” “Is that smell coming from you?”

19.00 Jerry Springer 19.45 Movies Now 20.00 Beauty Tom Tom Jones shows us his beauty secrets. “I slather myself with walrus spunk, love.”

21.00 FILM: True Lies Arnie’s political slogan. Maha! Rubbish film, which I always confuse with Eraser. Gash. **** 23.45 The Frank Skinner Show 00.35 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 01.05 Jerry Springer 01.50 Late Show with David Letterman 02.30 Teleshopping 04.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Well, I’m getting bored now.

Frankly TV’s been a bit rubbish recently. Roll on Autumn.

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada What, they transform into the Armada?

Nice! Do they sail up on Tony Blair while he’s playing boules then? 07.00 The Match 08.00 The Match 09.00 The X-Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 FILM: Terror in the Mall Liza Minelli tries to sell the general public her own-brand fragrance. “I call it lady-musk,” she smiles. “We call it flange milk,” says the public. ** 12.35 House Sitters 13.05 The X Files 14.00 The Match 15.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Match 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 The Match 22.00 Deadwood 23.10 Cold Case 00.10 The Match 01.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation 02.05 House Sitters 02.35 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

14.00 Without a Trace 14.55 Can You Pull...Tara? Proabably, but only if I used a Gucci lead and collar. 15.30 Perfect Match: New York But what’s NY matched with? bagsy not London - I’ve had enough NYLON shite to last me a lifetime.

16.30 Hollyoaks Steph puts a dildo up her arse and tries to sell the pictures to the Chester Herald. No one’s interested.

17.00 Friends 17.35 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 Friends 20.35 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 Kings of Comedy 22.30 The Sopranos 23.40 Line Of Fire 00.35 Wimbledon: T4 Movie Special 00.40 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 01.05 Hollyoaks 01.35 The Sopranos 02.40 Kings of Comedy 03.05 Kings of Comedy: Late Night Haha, my life has vastly improved by learning to play Minesweeper.

06.00 Insektors 08.55 Nikki 09.20 Grudge Match TVJ and I take on the snake man.

11.05 National Gallery 11.10 The First World War: Blockade 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.30 Grudge Match 13.40 FILM: Comanche Western about cowboys and that. If you’re watching this then you’re a retard anyway - Neighbours is on over on One. 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks Bombhead farts in the kitchen, and Tony captures the aroma to use in his famous Chester Cheese Soup.

19.00 Channel 4 News Sorry. I do know how low toilet humour is, but I bet you laughed.

19.55 The Political Slot 20.00 Location, Location, Location 20.30 Too Posh to Wash 21.00 Going Straight 22.00 NY-LON SENTIMENTAL, RUBBISH TRIPE! 23.35 Six Feet Under 00.40 Nip/Tuck 01.40 Porn: A Family Business 02.05 Monkey Cult 03.00 Freesports on 4. 03.50 Shin Gi Tai

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Bob the Builder 15.35 Little Robots 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Stables 16.20 Mona the Vampire 16.35 Shoebox Zoo 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Izzy throws a surprise party for for Karl.

‘You’re not the father, old man!’

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Minty probes Sam’s legal affairs. That’s what they call them down in Landahn - it’s cockney rhyming slang.

Legal affairs=southern hairs.

20.00 Holby City 21.00 A Thing Called Love Gash along the lines of the atrocious NY-LON. Avoid.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life 23.50 FILM: Rocky IV Evil rubbish about wiry men.

01.20 Ceefax 01.35 Sign Zone: The Woods at Wits' End: This Is My Family 02.35 Sign Zone: Should I Worry About..? 03.05 Sign Zone: Star Sale 04.05 Sign Zone: Horizon 04.55 Joins BBC News 24

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Butterfingers ITV1 4pm

The Amorous Prawn Ordeal in the Arctic C4 1.40pm SkyOne 10.50am

The Farm five 10pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 16.30 I Dream 17.00 Blue Peter Music from Rachel Stevens, i.e.

‘More More More’, as made famous on the DFS sofa advert. The girl’s got class.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Stingray tells Serena about `Shazza'. ‘Is it Sharon Stone, or Sharon Osbourne?’ Sky innocently asked last week. No, you fools, it’s obviously Sharon Davies!

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather.

18.55 Party Conference Broadcast by the Conservative Party 19.25 Ground Force My Hero 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 What Not to Wear 21.00 British Isles: a Natural History 21.50 British Isles: a Natural History 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 MOBOs 00.05 FILM: Duel Spielberg shite. **** 01.40 BBC News 24

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 The Adventures of Marco and Gina 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 Ocean Odyssey 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Postman Pat 08.45 Wide Eye 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 The Phil Silvers Show 11.00 The Daily Politics: Conference Special 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Lifeline 13.10 Snooker Grand Prix 14.30 The Daily Politics: Conference Special 16.25 Snooker Grand Prix 17.10 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice Reality TV rot in which desperados compete to work with Donald Trump. Ugh. 18.45 Snooker Grand Prix 19.45 The Battle for Marks and Spencer Writhing in the thongs.

20.00 Jungle: The Challenge Sloths compete today.

21.00 Mediums: Talking to the Dead Following Britain's top mediums at work relaying spirit messages to the grieving from beyond the grave.

22.00 Arrested Development Comedy series about a rich dysfunctional family. Michael puts George Michael in charge of the Bluth Banana Stand, and his son subsequently burns it down.

Not actually as funny as it could be, and I hate Portia De Rossi.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Snooker Grand Prix ‘Grand pricks’.

Mahahahahahahahahahaha.

00.00 Snooker Extra Extra what? Boredom? OK if you’re pissed... 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: Short Circuit: Chemistry/Health

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go! 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 House Price Challenge 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Meg And Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Mucha Lucha 16.00 Butterfingers 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 60 Minute Makeover Toe-curlingly watchable.

18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Party Conference Broadcast by the Conservative Party 19.00 Emmerdale The red mist descends as Cain discovers Debbie's secrets in the barn. She’s laid an egg, perhaps?

19.30 Coronation Street Tracy plants a cuckoo in Steve and Karen's love nest. Bird bestiality? Filth.

20.00 Coronation Street Family Album Series about Coronation Street's favourite families. Jesus H. Christ.

20.30 The Bill 21.30 Steel River Would make it hard to swim.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 Stealing a Nation A Special Report by John Pilger Political war stuff.

00.10 FILM: The Color of Courage ** 01.45 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 02.40 Riders and Rich Kids

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 King of Queens 08.55 My Eden 09.00 Schools: Life Stuff: Working Week 09.25 gcsEASE: Health and Social Care 09.50 The Story of the Novel 10.40 The First World War 11.30 Tacteg Gwyddoniaeth CA3 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Syniad Mis Fach Adderchog 13.00 Bws Parti 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Popty Bach 16.25 Peldroedio 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Party Conference Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 18.00 Friends The one where somebody cries and somebody says “Oh my God!” 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Huw's late for his paper round and receives a warning from Islwyn. “Don’t do it again, you little piece of crumpet, or I’ll butter your firm little bottom...

Mmm...”

19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Cynadleddol: Y Blaid Geidwadol Gyrmreig 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Britt is upset when Teg suspects that she stole Ffion's earrings. Better than her clit ring, though, eh?

20.25 Aur y Byd 21.30 Grand Designs Abroad 22.30 Nip/Tuck 23.30 Six Feet Under 00.35 Line of Fire 01.35 Layer Cake: Bullets, Babes and Bad Guys 02.05 Hero: Inside The Action

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Franny's Feet 09.30 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Farm 15.40 FILM: The Belarus File ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Hyde is furious on hearing Noah's advice to Kim. “Have us both!” he cries in wine-fuelled lust.

18.30 Family Affairs Sean and Nate's relationship is put to the test when Tanya goes into labour.

Surely they can both watch? Pregnancy porn!

19.00 five news 19.25 MadforArts How does art make you feel?

Angry.

19.30 Built for the Kill: River Monsters Featuring a look at the Nile crocodile, the giant otter and the archer fish. Great!

20.00 Ice Alert Where?

Where? Come on, you bastard, I’m armed with antifreeze!

20.30 Volcano Alert Where?

Where? Come on, you bastard, I’m armed with...lava repellent...

21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 The Farm Pig porn! Gah! .

23.05 Britain's Favourite Comedian 23.35 Bad Boys of Comedy: Jim Davidson Programmes that are definitely not related.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits A punch in the eye and a slap in the shoulder.

20.00 Flashmob: The Opera 21.00 The Making of Flashmob the Opera 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Action-packed flashback to the moment that Janet and Jonny first met on a night out in sunny Runcorn, in the form of a fantastic musical extravaganza. I’m sorry, but music will not make it any better. I wish the BBC would stop creaming itself about the supposed success of this shite and stop recommisioning it. Though I hear it has finished now...

22.00 Flashmob: The Opera 23.00 FILM: Murder at 1600 ** 00.40 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.10 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves Ooh, Chrisssss, show me your biggest muscle... 01.40 Flashmob: The Opera 02.40 Sex, Warts and All 03.10 Sex, Warts and All As you can see, when we have listings we really are on top form...

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Movies Now Featuring Aishwarya Rai in Gurinder Chadha's Bride and Prejudice; Denzel Washington and Christopher Walken in Man on Fire; and Milla Jovovich in Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

19.00 Jerry Springer No need!

19.45 Ask a Silly Question Do blind people get driver’s licenses? Do you wish to cut your hair any longer?

20.00 Airline USA: A Team Effort Apparantly, tonight’s episode features ‘luggage dramas’. I think I’d rather frisk a cactus.

20.30 Neighbours from Hell People who listen to Stacie Orrico.

21.30 Real Crime: Mr Nice Guy 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Bognor or Bust

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 The Match 08.00 The Match 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 FILM: Ordeal in the Arctic ** 12.35 House Sitters 13.05 The X Files 14.00 The Match 15.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons Bart wins a fully grown elephant in a radio contest.

18.30 The Match 19.30 The Simpsons When Grampa Simpson and Mr Burns fall in love with the same woman, Bart steps in to help out his grandfather.

20.00 Beauty School Featuring Jade Goody, practising live leg waxes on people with varicose veins.

21.00 The Match 22.00 Tim Lovejoy and the Allstars 23.00 Mile High 00.00 The Match 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Fear Factor 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show

14.00 Without a Trace 14.55 Can You Pull... Romeo?

Beckham? That’s disgusting!

15.30 Perfect Match: New York 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Ross gets himself a fake tan. Never mind, he couldn’t be any more ugly.

17.30 Friends Rachel finds herself out of work and making senseless and off-putting adverts.

18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Perfect Match USA Shallow, embittered cocksuckers try and find a boning partner.

20.00 Friends After an awkward evening, Joey and Rachel decide they are better off as friends and call off their relationship.

Yeah yeah, because it wasn’t at all obvious she was going to finally get together with Ross, was it? 20.30 Friends 21.00 One Tree Hill 22.00 Kings of Comedy This could be good...please...

22.30 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 23.00 Green Wing 00.05 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 00.35 Layer Cake: Bullets, Babes and Bad Guys

As S4C, except: 06.00 Insektors 08.55 Nikki 09.25 Today's Special: New Piccadilly 09.30 The Story of the Novel: Forbidden Territory How James Joyce, Virginia Woolf and D H Lawrence threw out the rule book to take the novel deeper into the human mind, tackling previously taboo subjects. Nice.

10.20 Classic Short Prose: Your Shoes Very short, from what I can see. 10.45 History in Action: Race in the 20th Century: Civil Rights 11.05 National Gallery 11.10 The First World War: Revolution 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.30 Grudge Match 13.40 FILM: The Amorous Prawn Like, gross. *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks Jake is horrified to discover that Steph spent the night with Dan. Well that takes the sticky biscuit. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Political Slot 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Grand Designs Abroad 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.05 Sex and the City 23.45 FILM: Outside 00.45 Outside

October 4 - October 10 2004

Thursday

Page 29

CelebrityShowdown@wishlist.net

Ray Mears Bushcraft Nikki BBC2 8pm five 8.55am

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Flashmob: The Opera Paddy O'Connell introduces a contemporary operatic production performed live in a mainline station, featuring arias and choruses from popular operas set to lyrics by Tony Bicat. What the fuck? “No seriously guys LOADS of people will want to watch this, stick it on at prime time” 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Fat Nation on Three 21.30 Body Hits 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Slam Poets Wow, poetry AND opera on BBC Three. I’m all for the idea of BBC Three getting cultural, but nobody wants to watch opera and poetry on television. That’s so unbelieveably lazy. You wouldn’t look at paintings in a magazine would you, you buggers.

23.30 For Better For Worse 00.25 Fat Nation on Three 00.55 Liquid Assets: Tom Cruise's Millions 01.50 Sex, Warts and All 02.20 Sex, Warts and All USA 02.50 Fat Nation on Three

06.25 The Adventures of Marco and Gina Marco the builder’s bum from Big Brother and Gina G make a quest in their raft to find buried treasure on Darkseed Island.

06.50 Rotten Ralph 07.00 Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge 07.05 Tom 07.30 Ocean Odyssey 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Postman Pat 08.45 Wide Eye 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Watch 10.45 Megamaths 11.00 BBC Primary Geography 11.20 BBC Primary Geography: France 11.30 The Daily Politics: Conference Special Billy Bragg was on this other week, for no reason other than he is famous and likes politics. But still, better than nothing.

12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Snooker Grand Prix 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 18.45 Snooker Grand Prix 19.30 Iolo's Natural History of Wales: Sea, Swamp and Desert 20.00 Ray Mears' Bushcraft Fnarrr!

21.00 Horizon 21.50 I'll Show Them Who's Boss Bruce Springsteen introduces a night of drubbing down lesser rock geniuses. Tonights episode features Jon Bon Jovi.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Snooker Grand Prix 00.00 Snooker Extra 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: Short Circuit - Biology 04.00 Short Circuit: Chemistry, Biology and Physics I was moved into top set sciences at school, and was so utterly rubbish, I got moved down again.

Result!

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Dancing in the Street 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.45 Movies Now 20.00 The Block Australia 20.50 Movies Now 21.00 FILM: Rules of Engagement 23.25 World's Scariest Police Shoot-Outs 2 So scary they had someone filming it at the same time, rather than trying to diffuse the situation. I actually love these sorts of program, always introduced by some bitter ex-cop who must have been outwitted by one too many criminals that he has to glorify the senseless machine gunning of them. Rocking.

00.25 Jerry Springer 01.05 Late Show with David Letterman 01.55 The John Walsh Show 02.35 Teleshopping 04.35 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go! 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 House Price Challenge 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Mucha Lucha 16.00 Scary Sleepover 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 60 Minute Makeover 18.00 ITV1 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Grass Roots 20.00 The Bill I cannot believe Joel has left.

21.00 Doc Martin 22.00 Bognor or Bust 22.30 ITV News 23.00 On the Edge 23.30 The Guest List Music, youth culture and entertainment presented by Nobsta Nuts and Slicer Man. That would be “youth culture” ascertained by forty year old decrepit men.

00.00 Soccer Night 00.30 Wolf Lake 01.10 Shoot The Writers 01.30 Strictly Soho 02.00 ITV At The Reading Festival 2004 Almost every band playing Reading this year can collectively kiss my ass, as can this highlights program.

Except Avenged Sevenfold.

Those haggard eyeliner clad goons.

02.50 Cybernet 03.15 Trisha 04.10 ITV Nightscreen Shoop shoop shoobedoop. Swang!

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 The Match 08.00 The Match 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 FILM: Co-ed Call Girl ** 12.35 House Sitters 13.05 The X Files 14.00 The Match 15.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Match 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 21.00 The Match Live Footballbased reality show, in which blithering So Solid celebrities get their gangster butts kicked

by Matt Le Tissier et al. On a similar subject, Ron Atkinson’s going to be in the new series of “I’m a Celebrity...”, the lazy useless wigger.

22.00 Law and Order 23.00 24 00.00 The Match 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Beauty School 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon

Neighbours BBC1 5.35pm

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens Ooh matron, dust my crown!

08.55 My Eden 09.00 Schools: The English Programme 09.25 gcsEASE: Health and Social Care 09.50 The Story of the Novel 10.40 The First World War 11.30 Bitesize Cemeg 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Troeon Tristan 16.15 Crafwr 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends When Rachel visits her workplace to show off baby Emma during her maternity leave, she is surprised to see a handsome male temp doing her job. Which could be me, if Rachel works as a plate monkey, a bedmaking money, or a professional dole-queuer.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Clwb Garddio 21.00 Tipyn O Stad 21.30 Slaymaker 22.00 Mostyn Fflint 'N Aye! 22.30 Location, Location, Location 23.00 Property Ladder 00.05 The Sopranos 01.10 Monkey 02.05 FILM: The Anderson Tapes*** The secret tapes of Pamela Anderson when she was getting whistle-blown by Gladiator’s Jon Anderson.

14.00 Without a Trace 14.55 Can You Pull...Jordan?

I’m not covered in enough Mr Muscle Orange for that missy.

15.30 Perfect Match USA 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends The One Where Joey’s a Big Rapist.

17.35 Friends The One Where None of Them Ever Do a Hard Day’s Work, Unlike TV John Who Suffers on a Daily Basis.

18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 Friends The One Where Six Rich Yank Snobs All Have a Great Life and Rub the Rest of the World’s Noses In It. 20.30 Friends The One Where Chandler Takes Some Junior Disprol For a Headache and Never Looks Back 21.00 Kings of Comedy: Live Oh, so it won’t be Tommy Cooper then.

22.35 Six Feet Under 23.40 Curb Your Enthusiasm 00.20 Hollyoaks Improved now it has Sam, ex-of-Night and Day in it, but still wack. 00.50 The West Wing 01.40 Kings of Comedy: Live 03.15 Curb Your Enthusiasm

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Franny's Feet 09.30 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Farm 15.40 FILM: The Ascent *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 MadforArts 19.30 Eastern Encounters 20.00 FILM: The Nutty Professor ***The day Eddie Murphy makes a good film will be the day I sellotape my ass to the underside of a moving chairlift.* 21.55 five news update 22.00 The Farm 23.05 Britain's Favourite Comedian Tommy Cooper.

Apparently every time Tommy got a taxi, he’d thank the driver, and pay him, putting a little extra in their top pocket, saying, “have a drink on me”. When they looked down, they’d find it was a teabag. Genius.

23.35 Real Sex Explicit show that examines the novel ways in which people explore their sexuality. Hot filth.

00.25 John Barnes' Football Night 01.05 Dutch Football: AZ Alkmaar v Ajax * Incidentally, I’ll be the judge on whether it’s a good film or not, OK? I mean, people tell me that Bowfinger was good, but I can’t comment. Plus, the execrable Flubber counts as minus three films.

CH4. As S4C except: 08.55 Nikki 09.20 Grudge Match 09.30 The Story of the Novel 10.20 Self Portrait UK 10.45 Letters from the Trenches “Dear Mum, just saw Corporal Browne snorting rat piss through a piece of straw. I have a grenade up my jacksie.”

And so forth.

11.05 National Gallery 11.10 The First World War: Germany's Last Gamble 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.25 Grudge Match 13.35 FILM: The Final Test *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.55 The Political Slot 20.00 Housetrapped in the Sun 21.00 The Great British Asian Invasion 23.05 Make Me a Perfect Wife 00.05 The Osbournes 00.35 The Osbournes 01.00 Line of Fire 02.00 Porno Valley 02.25 Under the Knife with Miss Evans: Africa 02.55 Freesports on 4: Surfing 03.25 Le Mans Endurance Series 2004: Inside the Mind of a Sportscar Team.

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Rugrats 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 The Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours David's good intentions place Lou in peril. Hang on a minute, isn’t Lou in prison? Did David send him a nail file inside a cake? What? This may have already happened by the time this goes to print, but the grapevine states that Lou is going to be cell-sharing with Darcy, the gambling git.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Should I Worry About...?

19.30 EastEnders Alfie goes and gets laid because he misses Kat. Good one, mate.

20.00 Fat Nation: the Big Challenge 21.00 Cry Wolf 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time 23.35 This Week 00.25 Sign Zone: Watchdog 00.55 Sign Zone: Panorama: Taken on Trust

I’ll Show Them Who’s Boss BBC2 21.50

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Come Outside BBC2 9.20am

What, Where, When, Why? BBC2 10.45am

Film: Bed of Lies Sky One 10.50am

4Music: Damian Rice C4 12 midnight

10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Binka 15.35 The Koala Brothers 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show I’m not familiar with the work of this mysterious “Yabba Doo”, but I sense a stupendous lack of ideas.

16.25 The Basil Brush Show 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders Sarah sends Martin a naked photo smeared in shoe polish 20.30 All about Me 21.00 Carrie and Barry This has to be the worst sitcom ever. Sex jokes were born and died with Carry On. 21.30 Eyes Down 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With Bjork, who’s great, and music from Duran Duran who, in their current form, are not.

23.35 FILM: Halloween H20 Contrary to what I’ve just written, the H20 is referring to a time period, not water torture. Or anything else wet, excepting Josh Hartnetts acting. **

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 The Adventures of Marco and Gina 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 Ocean Odyssey 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Postman Pat 08.45 Wide Eye 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 What?

Where? When? Why? 10.45 Let's Write a Story 11.00 BBC Primary History 11.20 BBC Primary Geography 11.40 BBC Primary History 12.00 The Phil Silvers Show 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 Snooker Grand Prix and Racing from Salisbury 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 18.45 Scrum V Live: Ulster v Dragons. My money is on the firebreathers.

21.00 Gardeners' World 21.30 Timewatch: The Lost Heroes 22.20 The Flying Gardener 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Snooker Grand Prix 00.15 Snooker Extra 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: The Science of Climate 02.30 A Formidable Foe 03.00 A Thread of Quicksilver 03.30 Uncertain Principles 04.00 The Birth of Liquid Crystals 04.30 Open Advice: Exam Success 05.00 Lie of the Land: Three Revolutions in Mapping 05.30 The Trouble with Love My knowledge of mapping and the birth of liquid crystals is limited. This office reaks SO much.

Apparently the Union drainage was due to be sorted out over the summer. It looks like it was “sorted” approximately three centemeters from the walls of this office, and TV desk are reaping the benefits.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go! 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 House Price Challenge 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Mucha Lucha 16.00 Finger Tips 16.20 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 My Life as a Popat 17.00 60 Minute Makeover 18.00 News 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Airline 21.00 Rosemary and Thyme 22.00 Wales On The Move The country is relocated in a climate that isn’t the colour of vomited toothpaste.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 Chosen David is tortured, lost and confused only his love for Miriam can free him. So she says.

Holly says this is almost the same listing as she had for Six Feet Under. Go figure.

23.30 Creative Roads 00.00 Dan And Dusty 00.35 FILM: Joe Kidd John Sturges. ** 02.10 Orange Playlist 02.40 Grounded for Life 03.05 Entertainment Now! 03.30 Mixmasters 03.55 CD:UK Hotshots 04.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.45 ITV Nightscreen

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.55 my city: edinburgh 09.00 Self Portrait UK 09.25 The First World War 10.15 National Gallery 10.20 History in Action 10.45 History in Action 11.05 National Gallery 11.10 The First World War 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Sam Tan 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Uned 5 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Rownd a Rownd 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Hwyl y Noson Lawen 21.00 Mawr 21.30 Housetrapped in the Sun 22.30 Kings of Comedy 23.30 Eurotrash Anyone else noticed that whilst Jean Paul Gaultier has gone on to be a famous fashion guru who wears Troy-style kilts, Antione is STILL presenting this and will do until he’s an old perverted man.

00.00 Green Wing 01.00 Will and Grace 01.30 Porno Valley 02.00 Punk'd Basically an excuse for Ashton Kutcher to shout a lot at a camera and steal ideas off Noel Edmonds 02.30 FIM Motocross World Championships 03.00 Honda Formula 4-Stroke Powerboating Championships 03.30 Porsche Carrera Cup 03.55 British Motorsport 04.15 More Programs about Fast Cars and Sexy Horsepower Engines To Make Single Students Stay Up All Night For a Good Old Fashioned Cream04.20 Freesports on 4

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Franny's Feet 09.30 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Farm 15.40 FILM: Danielle Steel's Heartbeat ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 MadforArts 19.30 House Doctor: Ann's Top Ten! 20.00 20.00 How to be a Property Developer 21.00 House Doctor: 22.00 The Farm 23.05 Britain's Favourite Comedian 23.35 World's Nastiest Neighbours 00.25 FILM: Blindfold: Acts of Obsession Erotic thriller about a woman who takes a therapist's advice to employ kinky sex games to rejuvenate her flagging marriage.

With Shannon “90210” Docherty, who is supposedly credible. It’s such an old joke that five show nothing but soft porn snuff movies after midnight, but I admit it is refreshingly consistent when it comes to compounding stereotypes. God Bless. ** 01.50 FILM: Judicial Consent 03.25 Russell Grant's Postcards 03.35 The Streets of San Francisco 04.25 Melrose Place Wow, are these new episodes, or repeats? I used to watch Melrose Place back when we had Sky One, about six years ago. Oh happy days 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Flashmob: The Opera I cannot believe this is on every day.

20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Grease Monkeys 21.30 Grease Monkeys 22.00 EastEnders Sam and Andy come to blows as she starts to discover what kind of man her husband really is. The guy who lost out to Dale Winton on Supermarket Sweep, that’s who.

22.30 Outlaws 23.00 Storm of the Century 00.25 Sex, Warts and All USA 00.55 Sex, Warts and All USA 01.25 Grease Monkeys 01.55 Grease Monkeys 02.25 Outlaws 02.55 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 03.25 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli Holly wants his body. I want to be sick. I love: The Concretes, The Acade Fire, The Paperbacks, The Decemberists, M Ward, Harry Nilsson, A-Ha, Kaito, The Castanets, Ten Masked Men, Laura Nyro, Supertramp, The Get-Up Kids, and Alkaline Trio.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Movies Now 19.00 Orange Playlist I take back what I said about Minnie Driver’s taste in music last week. I read an interview, I quite like it now. Sorry. This week’s playlist is by Lennox Lewis. Now that really will be cack.

19.30 The Planet's Funniest Animals 20.00 Emmerdale Secrets: Weddings 21.00 FILM: Miami Rhapsody *** With a pre SITC Sarah Jesse Raphael Benites.

22.55 Coronation Street 23.25 The Frank Skinner 00.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.15 Late Show with David Letterman 02.00 Teleshopping 04.00 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 The Match 08.00 The Match Live 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 FILM: Bed of Lies The Tracy Emin tent story. Like anyone would do her. ** 12.35 House Sitters 13.05 The X Files 14.00 The Match Live 15.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Futurama 18.30 The Match Highlights .

19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons “Hey Bart, your epidermis is showing” 20.30 The Simpsons “Rocket to kick Comet’s ass” 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 The Match Live 22.05 FILM: Saving Grace Old woman whose husband croaks it decided to grow some weed. Crap **** 00.00 The Match 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Beauty School 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

14.00 Without a Trace 14.55 Can You Pull... Mark Owen?

15.30 Perfect Match New York 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 FILM: Cruel Intentions 2 ** It says here that this was originally made as a pilot for a TV series. In what way? I remember once going round to my nerdy friends when I was at school and found them watching the original Cruel Intentions, because they heard Sarah Michelle Gellar gets her norks out. I obviously missed all that, and ended up with Bittersweet Symphony stuck in my head all week. Avoid.

22.40 Robbie Williams: The T4 Special Prick.

23.10 Average Joe Hawaii 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Queer as Folk 2 01.35 Robbie Williams: The T4 Special 02.05 The Secret Life of Us 02.50 Can You Pull... Mark Owen?

03.15 Your Face or Mine?

CH4. As S4C except: 06.05 Tales of a Wise King More animated tales about King Solomon. 08.55 The Bernie Mac Show 09.20 Grudge Match 09.30 Climbing Cold Mountain: Climbing Cold Mountain 10.45 Letters from the Trenches 11.05 National Gallery 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.25 FILM: Thunder Bay *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.35 The West Wing 20.30 Friends 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 Green Wing 23.35 Punk'd .

00.00 4 Music: Headliners: Damien Rice Tedious tramp-like paddy prick. Feck off ye salty shitbag with ye sensitive singersongwriter guff. 00.30 4 Music: Popworld 01.25 4 Music: hit40ukw 01.55 4 Music: Super Furry Animals On Tour TV Willy has gone to see them tonight, the lucky scamp. Great live band. Recent material bites.

02.20 4 Music: 4 Play 02.30 KOTV Classics

Saturday

October 4 - October 10 2004

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frigmyfrigger@banjostring.com

Ace Ventura BBC1 5.45pm

Parkie ITV1 10.10pm

Nell S4C 11.35pm

Home & Away five 8.00am

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Friends for Dinner 10.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 11.00 Bill's Food 11.25 The Plantsman 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Sky at Night 13.10 Cagney and Lacey 14.00 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross 14.30 Racing from Salisbury 15.00 The Flying Gardener 15.10 FILM: Doctor in Distress 16.50 The Good Life 17.20 What the Papers Say 17.30 Flog It!18.30 Snooker Grand Prix 19.45 Match of the Day Live: France v Republic of Ireland 22.00 Snooker Grand Prix 23.00 QI Pretty funny cleverdick quiz gueststarring the delectable Bill Bailey and his ultimate receeding hairline 23.30 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 00.00 FILM: Islands in the Stream 02.00 BBC Learning Zone Just wandered around the societies fair and overheard someone saying they’d joined Dodgeball. Alas, I couldn’t find the stall.

Determined to seek them out and play that primary school game once more. 02.30 Seeing through Maths What, and discovering its shitness? For my GCSE maths coursework I had to investigate Smarties pots and research the best shapes for sweetie containers. Now there’s a transferable skill to put on my CV. 03.00 Seeing through Maths ho hum...03.30 The Passionate Statistician Oooh, now this sounds more promising, FaNarrrrr. 04.00 Asthma and the Bean Wheeze, wheeze 04.30 Unearthing the Woodwide Web 05.00 Cell City: City Life 05.30 Race for the Pole 05.45 Background Brief Featuring Charlotte Church and her“Rear of the Year.” Tosh.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 International Motor Sport 13.10 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Qualifying 14.45 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather Regional news round-up.

17.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather News update, sports results and weather report.

17.30 New You've Been Framed 18.00 The X Factor The saviour of Saturday night TV. Giggle in delight as more knobjocks pour out their hearts in song only to be ridiculed by the official heart-throb that is Mr Simon Cowell.

19.05 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway Featuring Linda Barker. Hope she looks reaaalllly, reallly shiiiiiiit 20.10 Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? 21.10 The X Factor 22.10 Parkinson Cliff Richard tonight. You must see his calendar, it’s awesome: Cliff with wine, Cliff on hammock, Cliff with COCKtail, Cliff with conch...

23.15 ITV News 23.30 FILM: Another 48 Hrs With Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte. 01.13 Itv News Headlines 01.15 FILM: What's New, Pussycat?

03.05 CD:UK 03.55 Shoot The Writers 04.20 Entertainment Now! 04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Speedway Grand Prix 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.55 Scrapheap Challenge 10.55 hit40uk 11.25 The OC 12.15 Trains with Pete Waterman What the frig is this? Does he find musical talent on the Merthyr Tydfil-Newport line?

Abba renditions on the Plymouth-Edinburgh? Definitely worth a look I’d say. 13.15 Friends 13.45 Supporting Acts 14.00 Channel 4 Racing from York and Bangor-on-Dee 14.35 Y Clwb Pel-Droed Rhyngwladol 17.00 Newyddion News.

17.10 Y Clwb Rygbi 19.30 Newyddion News.

19.45 Hwyl y Noson Lawen 20.15 Cor Cymru 2003 Charlotte Church coughs up her lungs in Aberystwyth, snorts coke in Bangor and shoots up in Rhyll.

21.15 FILM: Charlotte Gray Never seen this either, ho hum.

23.35 FILM: Nell Have I seen this? No again, fuck.

Bloody marvellous. Tell you what I have seen though - Wicker Man. Jeeeeez, properly fucked up 70’s horror with Christopher Lee as the Lord of a pagan society on a Scottish island.

Disturbing scenes with orgies and phallic symbols and everything! They even dance around a may-pole which represents the penis. Double fnarr!

01.40 Kings of Comedy 02.40 Don't Worry Don’t worry, the rest of the weeks TV is better, keep watching Neighbours for more Lou/Darcy intrigue.03.10 Brazilian Football Championship With half time entertainment from the bikini wax girls. And Diego Maradonna. Allegedly.

05.05 KOTV Like S4C. Knocks me out every time.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards Oooh, where will he go today I wonder. I’m hoping he’ll visit Weston SuperNightmare and get molested by old men in v-necks.06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Russell Grant's Postcards Did he go,, did he go? 08.00 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 No Girls Allowed At school the boys played robots. It went a little something like this: ‘Do.You.Want.To.Be.A.Robot (in mechanical voice) No.Girls.Allowed.” It was mortifying.God, i just spelt Allowed like Aloud, as in the band Girls Aloud. They’ve invaded my brain goddamn it! 11.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 12.00 Beyblade 12.30 Duel Masters 13.00 Combat Club 13.30 The Chart 14.00 Dawson's Creek 14.55 World Music Awards 2004 16.40 Giant Monsters 17.45 FILM: Scooby Doo and the Witch's Ghost 19.00 Charmed 19.50 five news and sport 20.10 Britain's Favourite Comedian: Final Andy Peters? Gary Andrews?

Who will it be. I think Simon Amstell should win from PopWorld. He makes me piss. In a good way. 21.10 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.05 The Farm 23.10 The Shield 00.10 Law and Order 01.00 FILM: Living a Lie Like pretending to be intelligent and do a degree.

Or feigning drunkenness after one pint. 02.30 FILM: A Passion for Murder 04.00 Short Story Cinema A man leaves the house. He goes to the cimea.

He watches a film. The end. Can I have a job now S4C, can I? 04.20 The Invaders Featuring Xpress Radio 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

19.00 Little Angels 19.30 Little Angels 19.40 Who Rules the Roost Now? 21.10 FILM: Sliding Doors With Gwyneth Paltrow and John Hannah.

(Comedy, 1998) Aww, this is such a lush film about all that coincidental shite and how you’re meant to meet your destiny. Sold it to you didn’t I? No, really it’s very clever and my mum fancies John Hannah so that must be good. I think.

22.45 The Graham Norton Effect 23.30 Good Girls Don't Put out on a first date, eat bananas in public, wear crotchless knickers, etc etc. 23.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.55 Sex, Warts and All USA 01.25 Sex, Warts and All USA Features a rectal examination of Michael Moore 01.55 Liquid Assets: Tom Cruise's Millions 02.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps How many frigging eposiodes? God BBC three is GReeeeaaat. Like Tony the Tiger.

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.15 Quincy, ME 13.15 Quincy, ME 14.15 CD:UK 15.15 Felicity 16.05 Undeclared 16.35 Undeclared 17.00 The Planet's Funniest Animal Definitely the AyeAye, native to Madagascar. Has one really long middle finger that it uses to scoop out sap from trees. The natives are terrified of it as it only comes out at night and...well, scoops things.

How bloody cool! Also in there is the meerkat. 18.20 The Block Australia 19.10 Orange Playlist 19.40 The Planet's Funniest Animals More funny animals, fantastic! The sifaka is funny.

Another fave of mine, also from Madagascar. It skips instead of walking. Good stuff.20.10 The Xtra Factor 21.10 Package Holiday Undercover 22.10 The Xtra Factor 23.10 Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? 00.15 The Thrills in Profile Arggggggghhhhhhhhhhh, total hell tv!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 00.45 The Darkness in Profile 01.20 Teleshopping 03.20 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation Start as you mean to go on Sky 07.00 The Match Live 08.00 The Match Live 09.00 The Match Live 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line Crotchless knickers ahoy! 13.00 The Match Live 14.00 The Match Live 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 The Match 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 The Match Live 22.00 Road Raja 23.00 Best of The Match So Far 2 00.00 The Match Live 01.00 Street Wars 01.55 World Wrestling Federation Smackdown 03.45 House Sitters 04.15 Star Trek: The Next Generation 05.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation Who has Sky One? You poor things, this channel is terrifyingly bad and I’m only just beginning to realise. I guess the Simpsons is good. More Star Trek than is healthy and....ugh, god I can’t go on.

14.00 hit40uk 14.25 Hollyoaks Omnibus It’s Freshers’ Week at Hollyoaks High too but sadly they just go to the Dog in the Pond instead of the Taf. And then it’s the Loft. Or has that closed now? I’ve been away...

How gutted would you be though if you turned up at uni and realised that three years of the Dog in the Fucking Pond was all you had to look forward to?

Apart from Ben, he better grace the screens soon. Bring back Sol and Finn, that’s what I say.

Phwoar! 16.35 hit40uk 17.00 Friends 17.30 The OC 18.30 The OC 19.30 The OC 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Friends 22.00 Kings of Comedy 23.05 Bo' Selecta!

23.35 Porn: A Family Business: I Want to Be an Adult Film Star Don’t we all, love. tape your tits up and sew up that gash and you might make it through.

00.10 Porn: A Family Business 00.50 Line Of Fire 01.40 Kings of Comedy 02.40 Bo' Selecta!

03.05 Porn: A Family Business Is that you again? I told you it was like chucking a sausage down a long corridoor, get out!

As S4C except: 06.00 Insektors More 09.55 T4: hit40uk 10.25 T4: The OC 11.25 T4: Playstation 12.55 T4: Kings of Comedy 16.00 FILM: Music of the Heart With Meryl Streep and Aidan Quinn.

(Biopic, 1999) 18.10 Unreported World: Occupation 18.40 Channel 19.40 Force of Nature: Campbell's Final Run 20.10 The Real Charlotte Grays 21.10 FILM: Charlotte Gray With Cate Blanchett and Rupert Penry-Jones. As above.

Haven’t seen it my flowers, cannee help you. Did I mention I saw Wicker Man?23.30 Green Wing Oooh, I like this. Sort of comedy series about a bunch of mental doctors and nurses. Bit like the Sketch Show but longer.

00.30 FILM: What's Cooking?

With Julianna Margulies and Mercedes Ruehl. (Comedy, 2000) What is cooking, you may ask? I have mostly been cooking pasta with spinach and bacon.

Mmmmm.02.40 FILM: Big Night With Stanley Tucci and Tony Shalhoub. (Drama, 1995) 04.30 The Fugitive Featuring Sports Desk

Your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBBC: Astro Boy 07.20 The Mummy 07.45 Arthur 08.10 Taz-Mania 08.35 The Scooby-Doo Show 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Racing from Salisbury 13.25 Snooker Grand Prix 13.40 Racing from Salisbury 13.55 Snooker Grand Prix 14.10 Racing from Salisbury 14.30 Match of the Day Live: England v Wales 17.05 Wales on Saturday Sports news.

17.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.45 FILM: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective One of those films I never got round to seeing. Ah well. God, weekend TV is so dull. I’m still excited about today’s episode of Neighbours when we discovered Lou’s prison-buddy is none other than smarmy but devilishly attractive Darcy.

19.05 Only Fools and Horses 19.35 The National Lottery: Winning Lines 20.20 Casualty 21.10 BBC News; Weather 21.30 FILM: The Rock 23.40 FILM: The Dogs of War 01.40 Match of the Day: England v Wales 03.20 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 04.20 A Question of Sport 04.50 Top of the Pops 05.20 Joins BBC News 24

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Sunday

Page 32

October 4 - October 10 2004

imfromFrome@BiteMe.com

Your Union

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Panorama BBC1 10.15pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Breakfast with Frost 10.30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.30 Countryfile 12.30 The Politics Show 13.30 EastEnders 15.25 The Blue Planet 16.25 Shoebox Zoo 16.55 Points of View17.45 Last of the Summer Wine 18.15 Rolf on Art 19.35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20.00 Monarch of the Glen Oh bless, does anyone actually watch this any more. I turned off after Archie left, hummanahummanahum.

It used to be so good, back in the day. In my day it was all happy endings and love stories and....oh fuck I’m getting old. Went into the Taf the other night and literally almost cried when I saw the drinks prices. I swear they’ve gone up a whole pound sterling since I was last here. Could be worse I could be forced to go to Creation 21.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin: A Passage to India 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: The Trouble with Sugar is that it tastes so bloody good. I had my first ready-made steamed pudding the other day. It was spotted dick. hehehe, fnarr! 22.55 On Show 23.25 FILM: Nine to Five With Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin.01.15 Joins BBC News 24 On the phone to me mam, my great aunt has bought me a cardigan. Nice.

19.00 End of Story I wish. It’s not though is it? Is it the end of BBCThree broadcast? No. You liars. 20.00 Liquid Assets: Colin Farrell's Millions 21.00 For Better For Worse 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Grease Monkeys 23.00 Grease Monkeys 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.00 Sex, Warts and All USA 00.30 Sex, Warts and All USA 01.00 For Better For Worse 01.55 Liquid Assets 02.55 End of Story Oh jeez, I can’t be bothered to write the blurb for these programmes.

They’re exactly the same as yesterdays’...and the day before...and the day before that.

You realise part of that enormous licence fee you just paid (you did pay it didn’t you? Have you not seen the adverts? That poor guy, working at the burger joint, paying off his fine?) goes on this atrocious slime.

What do you call a musical insect? A humbug. Hohoho.

Get a new Life BBC2 7.00pm

Too posh to wash S4C 4.00pm

Bill&Ted’s Bogus... five 6.25pm

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 07.05 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Style 12.00 Sunday Grandstand 12.05 Superset Tennis 13.05 Swimming: World Short Course Championships 13.30 Rugby League 14.00 Malaysian MotoGP 15.00 Snooker Grand Prix 17.30 Scrum 18.00 Extreme Lives: Lord of the Skies The story of the leading skydiving duo Patric de Gayardon and Adrian Nicholas.

Together they developed the wingsuit, that thing that looked like a huge bird. Patric was killed in practice so Adrian resolved to break the world freefall record in tribute to his friend. Very sweet. My mum was supposed to do a skydive last week but it was too windy. Do I talk about myself too much?

Are you bored of my family tales? Har, har! What you gonna do?

19.00 Get a New Life Is that what you’re gonna do eh? Get a new life? Oh come on, you love me really.

This mysterious existence is quite fun. 20.00 Snooker Grand Prix 22.30 FILM: Sling Blade With Billy Bob Thornton and Dwight Yoakam. (Drama, 1996) 00.40 FILM: Shake, Rattle and Rock 02.00 bbc learning zone: workskills: working in construction 03.00 Workskills in Construction: The Career Ladder 04.00 Workskills in Construction: Communication and Customer Care Skills

06.00 F1: Japanese Grand Prix 08.35 GMTV 10.15 Art Attack 10.40 The Little Bang 10.45 The Ark 11.15 My Favourite Hymns 12.15 St Jimmy's 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.15 F1: Japanese Grand Prix 16.30 FILM: Gray Lady Down 18.30 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.45 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Blimey, I saw a clip from Emmerdale when they had a big electrical storm and a woman died under all the rubble. How tragic. Like the special effects.

19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat So have they actually replaced Greengrass with some other decrepid old monk? It’s a travesty!

21.00 Midsomer Murders 23.00 ITV News; Weather 23.15 N23.45 F1: Japanese Grand Prix 00.45 World Rally Championship 01.10 Motorsport UK 01.35 Building the Dream 02.00 Trisha 02.55 Today with Des and Mel 03.40 The Entertainers 04.10 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News HTV West. As Wales except: 12.45 Week To Week 14.10 ITV1 West News and Weather Regional news round-up.

18.30 ITV1 West News and Weather

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Honda Formula 4Stroke Powerboating Championships 07.25 Kwik-Fit Pirelli British Rally Championship 2004 07.55 F3 on 4 08.25 Le Mans Endurance Series 2004: Inside the Mind of a Sportscar Team Grrrr, sweat, determination, stench and pure hard, rough-edged MAN. Here me roar! 08.55 The Great Pretenders 09.00 T4 Movie Special 09.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.00 Maniffesto 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Playstation Experience at Alton Towers 14.20 Stargate SG-1 15.10 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 16.00 Too Posh to Wash Urgh, this was gross last week, that guy with the trillions of bacteria in his socks. No sarcastic comment to make there.

Just gross.

Too Posh to Wash Oh, 16.30 here it is again. Maybe it’s the repeat of the skanky woman who never washed her bra.

No sarcastic comment to make there. Just gross.

Welsh in a Week No 17.00 way, is this possible?

17.30 Newyddion News.

17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Hywel Tefi A'i Arwyr Cloff: Ceiriog 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Ar Dy Feic Hywel Gwynfryn interviews 21.00 Talcen Caled Drama series. 21.50 Newyddion News. Nowt going on this week 22.05 UK Music Hall of Fame Featuring Black Lace 00.10 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 01.15 Kings of Comedy 01.45 The Great British Asian Invasion This seriously sounds like a headline from the Daily Mail 03.45 FILM: Women Call the Shots: Khamosh Pani

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 FAQ 12.35 The Great Artists 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 FILM: Columbo: The Conspirators 15.40 FILM: Cool Hand Lemon 18.00 five news and sport 18.25 FILM: Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey Woahh, stop right here! One of the best films ever!

Most excellent and seriously triumphant. And Ruphus is the man.

20.00 Victoria Beckham's Secrets Do we give a flying fuck for God’s sake? What, did you steal a penny sweet when you were seven?

Did your Mummy send you to your room for saying ‘Damn’ when you were nine?

Did you marry an illiterate numbskull and did you have sex when not in wedlock? You fucking pofaced piece of pouty shite.

21.00 Stan Collymore: Confessions of a Premiership Foot Of a Premiership Foot?

What a brilliant error! ‘I’m sorry, I confess, I smell a little and am too hairy.’

23.05 The Joan Rivers Position 23.35 World's Wildest Police Videos 00.25 Golf: Charles Church Scottish Seniors Open 01.05 Major League Baseball 04.05 2004 X Games 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

09.25 The X Factor 10.30 The X Factor 11.35 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 12.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.50 Emmerdale Secrets: Weddings 18.55 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.00 The X Factor 21.05 The Xtra Factor 22.05 The X Factor 23.10 The Xtra Factor mmmm, Ben Shepherd hosts these ones....mmmmm. 00.10 Coronation Street 00.40 Bognor or Bust Replacement for Have I Got News For You? and is not bad. Tara P-T was hilarious on it the other night. So much sexual innuendo in that girl, the little minx. 01.10 Undeclared 01.30 Undeclared 01.55 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball Woah, every guy’s dream surely, scantily-clad beauties in bikinis for you to oggle ‘till your heart’s content. 2004 02.50 Entertainment Today 03.30 Teleshopping 05.30 ITV2 Nightscreen Is this just a black screen with a few stars on?

Patrick Moore would be having orgasms.

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 The Match Live 08.00 The Match Live 09.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Tough Enough 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 12.00 Battlestar Galactica: The Lowdown 13.00 The Match Live 14.00 The Match Live 15.00 The Match Live 16.00 The Simpsons 16.30 The Simpsons 17.00 The Match Live: PreMatch Show 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Match Live: Celebs XI v Legends XI 22.30 Mile High 23.30 Cold Case of boredom 00.30 Law and Order 01.25 Footballers' Pads 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment: Afterburn 02.40 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 03.30 Hot Love Love in Hawaii and Bejing. Love in the desert, on a camel. Ouch, that’s HOT! 04.20 Hot Love In Kenya, Dubai, Luxor, Cairo. Steaming! 05.10 Brainiac

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.30 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 17.00 Friends Baa Baa Black Sheep Have you any wool?

Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full One for the Master And one for the Dame One for the little boy who lives down the lane 18.30 The OC 19.30 One Tree Hill 20.30 Friends What do you get if you feed chicken on whiskey? Scotch eggs. 21.00 Average Joe Hawaii 22.00 The Sopranos 23.10 Six Feet Under Have sadly missed so much of this now that I feel I must give up. One day when I’m old and skanky with ingrown toenails and scabies I’ll buy the DVD and catch up. 00.20 Curb Your Enthusiasm 00.55 Layer Cake: Bullets, Babes and Bad Guys 01.25 The OC 02.15 One Tree Hill 02.55 The Sopranos There were two lions in a safari park watching families in their cars.

One said to the other: “Isn’t that cruel, caging people up like that!”

CH4. As S4C except: 06.00 Animal Alphabet Animated show for preschool learners.

This programme features the letter `C' for chameleon. 06.05 Tales of a Wise King 08.55 T4: Friends 09.25 T4: Popworld 10.20 T4: Hollyoaks 12.55 T4: Kings of Comedy 13.30 T4: Chancers 14.05 T4: The OC 15.05 T4: Friends 15.35 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 16.35 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.30 Trains with Pete Waterman 18.30 Scrapheap Challenge 19.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 20.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 21.00 UK Music Hall of Fame 23.10 Jewish Law . 00.10 FILM: Women Call the Shots: Saaz With Shabana Azmi and Aruna Irani. 02.55 The Playful Muse 03.15 Who You Callin' a Nigger? 04.15 God is Black Blimey, what a load of racial issued programmes tonight. Do you think God is black? If He were, I think He’d look like Samuel L. Jackson.

05.15 Countdown

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

October 4 2004

The Phil Collins Photo Casebook WEEK THREE

Page 33

Dr. Matthew

grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - email me your problems tough guys

Satan is a second year Dear Dr. Matt I am the devil and I want to eat your eternal soul. I hunger for your

life force to sustain me as yours is the darkest of all I have come across in three millennia. Feed me.

Lots and lots of Love, Lucie.

SO then, with Phil escaping, and things, John Snow decides to continue reclining next to his lake. He has another few cigarettes, in fact.

Look, I’m just some guy who writes some stuff periodically and it’s alright. I’m ok. Let’s have a fight. If I win (which I will) you can have my soul.

Although I’m not sure if I’ve got one because this one time I did something REALLY bad to a hedgehog with some hair wax, some mescalin and a five pound note. I suppose being the devil and all, you won’t really need a weapon. Well, as a person with statutory rights I demand the use of a large

sword. And I’m also allowed to have a shower prior to fighting, and use some deodorant and things like that. AND - if it seems appropriate - I’m allowed to bring some bottled water to hydrate myself. I might even buy some sheets of cardboard and fashion some DYNAMIC wings from them, so I look all pumped whilst I’m boffing you about the face with my sword.

Matt.

Plebs unite all-up-in-my-face Dear Matt, A couple of years ago I was out with some mates and this guy got in my face, so I you know, got in his face back but then he started getting

fresh with me so I bit his ear and then he ran away so I won, but the thing is, he has this really big friend and all of the last two years they have both been giving me evils you know, so now im scared he might come and try to get fresh with me again but this time with his big friend and

im scared, im not a big boy although mummy says I am now and I have no friends.

What can I do?

3rd yr. Science Firebomb his house?

Matt

Don’t touch his willy Phil continues to do one because he deems it the best course of action.

What he doesn’t realise is that Ian Watkins is still alive!

The evil singer unleashes a BOOHBAH cluster bomb, containing 4 Boohbahs and Kilroy’s head. He lobs it at an unsuspecting Phil.

Alright Matt. (Insolent child - Matt)

I’m a fresher although I did my A-levels three years ago. In between I

have been travelling and have managed to shag girls in 4 continents and fifteen countries previous to me coming here. Anyway, in the last week since arriving I’ve managed to add ten more girls to my already impressive list and I have managed to earn myself the nickname "captain stud" from my flat mates. My problem is, that now when I meet girls and my mates are with me, they insist on calling me my nick name and so it’s making it hard to convince the lovely ladies to come to bed with me, as they are put off by this name that they assume means I’ll never talk to them after we’ve shagged.

I’ve asked them to stop calling me this but they refuse to, I think it’s because they’re jealous of me but I don’t want to be too harsh. How can I make them stop without making them annoyed or even more jealous?

Kevin, Talybont South.

Hi there KEV. I knew this chap once, and on occasion, he would eat earwax. Personally, I found this slightly perturbing because you know, earwax is actually wrong. The moral of that tale was that you shouldn’t eat too much of something that you shouldn’t. In a small way, it’s easy to appropriate that moral on to your own little dilemma. This would be a start, I told myself. I told myself it would be a start because I had no semblance of an answer for you and figured that if I just kept writing I’d go toward something spiffy involving a tumble drier. But no. NOT TODAY, So here’s what we’re going to do, you impolite peasant. Some reasons why you’re not going to get anywhere in Cardiff: a) You’re probably cultivating quite an array of vegetables around your penis. b) They aren’t, in fact, jealous whatsoever, purely because beyond your own imagination they don’t see PAYING for sex a worthy pastime. c) Anyone can defile any number of people given the opportunity and/or the cash. We all like to think of ourselves as some kind of sexual party, but you almost cross the line into the realms of sexual predator.

No amount of friends is going to convince you otherwise, which is the main problem here. d) I have a tumble dryer you know. It does lots of things in an orderly manner and even has a little button which I sometimes like to press which goes HIGH and LOW and did you know that if you put everything on HIGH and take it out and put it in a bin bag you can have a fun time hugging and caressing its deep warmth.

However, putting tea towels which have been used to clean up vegetable oil in the bin bag IS going to BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN. And if you’re a bit of a insurance dodger this will result in your housemates cutting your hands off and flushing them down the toilet.

Quite frankly KEV you’ve given me nothing to work with. In fact I’m actually annoyed that you’ve got the biggest answer.

I just thought it might befit you to do something wizard, but subsequent thoughts involving clothes have shrouded my answer in piss. Good way to escape that, is by saying DYNAMIC again, thus giving me the illusion of rigorous preplanning. You fucking idiot.

MATTHEW

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: A non-judgmental, friendly ear. Unlike me, of course.

Phil however, has other ideas and combats the assault with his foot and two cans of VAGISIL! ‘Whatever next?’ ponders Phil...

Concludes next time...

Please can someone email me something sensible? Even if it’s a sentence long. Even if you tell me how wildly inappropriate my non-political views are. Even if it’s a moan about how most students are right-wing and yet pose as left-wing. I ALWAYS told you that politics are gay. I won’t move my feet from that position.

Just email me something. Something about the weather if you like. We can have delightful conversations about ecosystems and newsreporters getting waffled about by the wind. If you like you can tell me about how the light fixtures in your house smell of fish, or how you once went to eat some food but got confused and fell over.

Some Words About Wine.

11:10am – A board meeting. Somewhere. Shut up.

11:15am : "so GUYS what exactly can we do to snare the child market with this new range of exciting and DYNAMIC wines?" <discussion ensues> "how’s about we play around with the packaging boss, we could put some funky fresh autumn shades in there to really bring out our image" "How’s about we sell the wine with a small plastic toy with adult value? That way the child market can buy into an adult-seeming commodity and we can help our children lose their innocence faster!" – "yeh yeh man, we could offer them condoms with the wine! Some kind of package deal, oh boy, I see it now, "GET FUCKED-GET FUCKED!"...."Too blasé, old boy, we need something more subtle – that kind of thing never worked for our sister companies making alcopops." "Hey! We could change the shape of the bottle into puerile and highly distasteful shapes – we might catch the "cool" demographic there, cause a ruckus in the Daily Mail, whoopah! We’ve got your advertising revenuefree!"…

11:36am : "chocolate.

Chocolate! We’ll introduce SUBTLE layers of chocolate taste to the wine.

Give it some bollocks about undertones and woody textures, fucking have that young child, resist alcoholism now!

Wine, with chocolate! It works!" And suppose that conversation is what I imagined as I perused this delightful Australian Merlot. See, it made me jump a little. Nay, it inspired a bout of moral terror from which I am left crippled down my left side and rolling around in my own vomit. I didn’t realise that people were putting CHOCOLATE flavours in wine. CHOCOLATE! Fucking CHOCOLATE! You can’t do that! You can’t give me wine with CHOCOLATE IN IT! You can’t, do that to me. Fucking…god!

Chocolate! Crikey. In wine.

IN WINE. Not only that but they contrast (I’m assuming) the sweet chocolate taste with SAVAGELY PAINFUL AND SOUR MULBERRIES TO KICK YOUR TITS IN WHILST YOU’RE DOWN AND STOP YOU DOWNING YOUR PINT OF RED. And this can continue well into the night for me because the more I think about it the more amusing it gets, and subsequently I sit like a loon licking the label off the bottle and sporadically waffling the keyboard about to get these words to appear.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery

doesn’t have enough space this week...

Listings

October 4 2004

Page 34

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

BOLD AS BRASS

Another week, another four choice selections from the world of Cardiff entertainment. Shake your moneymaker to the phenomenon that is Wonderbrass. Get up, get into it and get involved with the intelligent lyricism of TY. Sleaze it up with The Glitterati. Or run away with the hairdresser...

1

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party feat. Wonderbrass

@ Seren Las, Students’ Union. £2.

Sunday 10th Oct, 7-11pm

T

HIS WEEK sees the first in a new run of Sunday night jazz sessions to be held in Seren Las (on the first floor of the Students’ Union). ‘Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party,’ as its been peculiarly dubbed, is being put on by the newly formed Cardiff Student Jazz Society.

It looks set to reinvigorate the Sunday schedule at the Students’ Union after the slow and painful death of the eclectic night, ‘Java,’ which ended its Sunday Seren Las residency a couple of years ago

3 I

after dwindling interest.

The forthcoming Jazz Parties will each feature a different local jazz band each week playing goodtime latin and funky dancefloor jazz. The first of these, happening Sunday 10th October, 7-11pm, features the daddy of local jazz bands, Wonderbrass.

A big band with 20-plus members, Wonderbrass bring some heavy, heavy sounds when they hit their stride, peforming material that pays respect to ska and latin music but with a top-quality front

TY Live @ Solus Thursday 7th Oct 9pm / £7 adv

sourced some words from my man David Winks on this.

Having smashed the Toucan earlier this year, TY makes a welcome return to Cardiff amidst a hectic touring schedule. Following his accomplished debut LP, ‘Awkward’, he booked his place in the hip hop hall of fame at the end of last year with the Mercury nominated ‘Upwards’.

An infectious brew of styles and flavours, ‘Upwards’ is a single reason as to why UK hip hop deserves respect. From the broken boogie of ‘Groovement’, to the afrobeat inspired ‘The Willing’; the soulful lament of gun crime in the form of ‘Rain’, to the anthemic ‘Music 2 Fly 2’, the word is simple. Fresh.

Avoiding the pitfall of single-sample tracks that decorate shelves across Britain, his lyrics pay hom-

age to both street and society whilst the beats remain funkier than a mosquito’s tweeter.

Remember, this isn’t going to be the usual runnings of a lone MC eating the mic while a moody DJ spins, scratches and transforms.

TY is travelling with a full band, and draws on the experience of working with luminaries such as the master Nigerian drummer, Tony Allen as well as a host of the UK’s finest; including saxophonist Jason Yarde and the twenty-first century’s number one lady to look for, Bembe Segue.

For anyone’s who’s seen the Roots live, you know that hip hop with the instruments is a vital combination. Some people are calling him T Y. I’m still calling him Tie. Whatever. He’s hot - check it!

line of improvisers that guarantees it doesn’t lose the jazz tip. £2 for high quality live bands! I can dig that.

Some DJ business will follow the live music to ensure that the party mood and the dancing continue after the band has packed their instruments away.

It’s about time Sunday was picked back out of the toilet bowl of evening entertainments, and this should be just the night to do it.

Take your funky sneakers and wear them out from the inside.

2

The Glitterati Monday 4th Oct / Barfly Doors 7pm £5 adv

Glam-rock crusaders on a single-handed mission to reintroduce glamour to rock n roll. irgin Mobile’s October self-styled mission: to bring glamoffering follows hot on the our and sleaze back into rock and heels of their last spon- roll. Here is the current rock ’n’ sored band night. For one night a roll climate as The Glitterati see it: month Barfly is saturated by vir- the blistering three dimensional gin mobile: t-shirts, stamps, mind-melt of frantic sex-inducing posters and even an exclusive sound, dazzling good looks and cloak room for virgin mobile moral code-defying anarchic spirit users. And why not when its all that was rock has been replaced by a droning, self-questioning, introin the name of new music?

Back in August we saw The verted form that is ‘about as lasBlueskins hurtling round the civious as a sponsored silence in country’s 5 Barfly venues and last Skegness.’

And they want to do something month, yes it does count as last month even though it was only last about it… Look forward to The Thursday, Virgin Mobile Louder Glitterati ‘swaggering across the brought us Winnabego Deal with stage’ (although in Barfly there isn’t far to swagger) ‘with an support from Tokyo Dragon.

On Monday, in the latest install- insane bravado that hasn’t been ment of Virgin-backed band seen in years’ as they deliver their nights, barfly faithfulls can look ‘space-glam cocktail.’ The perfect forward to being wowed by The antidote for everyone sick of Glitterati and home-grown local Embrace-like dirges by the sound of it, check them out. boys The Martini Henry Rifles.

The Glitterati have their own

V

4

E

Earthfall - Running Away With The Hairdresser @ Chapter Arts Centre Mon 4 + Tues 5 Oct: 8pm

ARTHFALL, a dance company formed in 1989, forges radical choreography with live music and strong visual imagery. It has received several awards for its live performance and film work. Their previous work, ‘I Cant Stand Up for Falling Down’ was awarded ‘Best Dance or Performance 2003’ in the Wales Theatre Awards.

‘Running Away with the Hairdresser’ combines live film, live original music, risk-taking choreography, text and song. Its press release describes it as "a physical portrayal of extreme characters in extreme places with a depth and black humour that draws from cin-

ema, stand-up, opera and farce to create a heady mix of vital contemporary performance."

‘Running Away with the Hairdresser’ was inspired by Welsh artist Kevin Sinnott’s painting of the same name. The painting is one of the finest in the admittedly lackluster collection at Cardiff Museum.

A huge and imposing painting, it towers over the viewer with its skewed perspective and energetic hues. If Earthfall’s performance is even half as good as the painting it’ll be worth not only the £3.20 student price but even the trek across to Canton for those of us living on Cardiff’s east side.

Listings

October 4 2004

Page 35

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton.

If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. Probably not if we’re honest.

Monday04/10

Tuesday05/10

Wednesday06/10

Thursday07/10

Friday08/10

Saturday09/10

Sunday10/10

CinemaWeek

Fun Factory @ Solus It’s a factory that makes fun.

Island presents Chikinki, Cherry Falls, 747s. In the Xpress lounge, Solus Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry.

Coordinated @ Amber Lounge New night (at least it was when they last emailed me. It must be a maturing night at least by now. Either that or maybe it has already vanished into oblivion with the engine rooms’ alternative Saturdays) of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter.

7pm-11pm, £1 (NUS).

Running Away With the Hairdresser @ Chapter Arts Centre A stunning montage of live film, live music, text, song and the breathtaking dance that mark Earthfall out as one of the UK’s best dance companies £8/£6.

See facing page.

Live @ Barfly Virgin Mobile Louder presents: The Giltterati + Martini Henry Rifles.

Doors 7:30pm £5 adv. See picks of the week.

TV is boring @ Moloko Live Music, Art, Dj's and Film. Music across the board from DJ Longdollar + art exhibitions and more over 3 floors.

Free entry.6pm-2am.

New Noise @ Metros "Alternative therapy for the musically depressed". New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendary, and almost mythical, double + mixer for 80p. But beware, the famed metros’ double has but a transient glory- 90p between 10 and 11 and a shocking £1 between 11 and 12. £3 before 11. 9-2am.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @ Cafe Jazz £2.

Bring your instrument and join the fun. Fnarr

Lashtastic @ Solus 9-2am.

Chaos @ Metros The only alternative.

‘With anthems to raise the most ghoulish spirits from out of their pits and into the realm of the living.’ Interesting - surely they want us in their pit of ghoulish spirits, not out in the fresh air?! 9-3am. £2.50 b4 10.

Full Fat [booty shakin-boombox blazinrooftop rasin]@ Moloko Funk,Hip-hop, Breakbeats, Motown, Retro Disco +Electro Boogie + retro vid's & visuals. free entry B4 11pm. Open til 2am.

Silent Running @ Clwb Ifor Bach Silent Running presents: Tru Playaz feat Hype, Pascal and MC AD, Tom and Focus 10.00pm £10.

Sumo residents on the middle floor.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10pm, £3.50 Live @ Barfly The Departure + Versus Doors 7.30 pm, £6 adv MAD4IT! @ Barfly club night Z Lab Transported @ Chapter Arts Centre Electronic artist Paul Granjon presents the latest entertaining and informative developments of his research at the wonderful Z Lab. Z Lab Transported is a unique performance about hair and technology, featuring live cybernetic music with multilingual lyrics, exclusive wearable robots and fire-making techniques in a condensed DIY format. The performance will also feature a live kick by Furman, a hairy 6 foot high surrealistic pneumatic robot. If you read and understood that then I think it’s your duty to go.

Fri and sat 8pm £4 Razorlight @ SU, Great Hall £10 The Zeutons @ SU, Solus Bar £10 Bob Bailey and the Jailers @ The Toucan A night of peaceful old school Reggae vibes brought to you by the irrepressible Lee Bailey and a host of local musical talent.

Buddy Night @ Med Bar 7-11pm Quiz Night @ Grad Bar, SU 8pm Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots. No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11, £1.50 after.

SOUL MOTION @ Moloko Heavy Funk, Raw Soul, Tamla Motown, Dancefloor Jazz, Boogaloo. Bar open till 2am,Cocktails £2.95, shots from £1, free entry. 8pm-2am Acoustic Open Mic Session @ The Toucan Sessions brought to you by ‘Circular Music’ fresh from Camden Town, this week featuring ‘The Afternoons’. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Live @ Barfly The Evil Rocks! Tour hits the road at the beginning of October, featuring 3 hotly tipped bands: The Rocks + The Barbs + Special Needs.

Doors 7.30 pm, £5 adv Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Brand Spanking New presents... The Vanities + Hypokrit + Schmoof + Snork Maiden. Cardiff's newest night dedicated to the best new bands on the block. Tonight will showcase four bands all with an electronic slant. The Vanities re-invent the newromantic sound (impresing Tony Hadley so much that he produced their ‘space tourist’), whilst Schmoof write ‘electropop classics’ and Newport’s Snork Maiden deliver ‘synth driven bliss’. In the imortal words of the Clwb: ‘all you have to do is turn up!’

8pm. £4.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50 Sabotage @ Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo £1 entry before 11. This must be the cheapest you’ll ever get into metros. Make the most of it!

Come Play @ Solus 9-2am.

Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm.

Machine Meadow and Moxie Plenty @ Clwb Ifor Bach Moxie and Meadow present Rich Thair (Red Snapper/Warp) DJ Underpass (Machine Meadow) and DJ C++ (Machine Meadow). DJ Rich Thair will be spinning an irresistible blend of electro, breaks and dirrrty house, with support from the capital's electro standard-bearers. (Middle floor presents: the mutant disco with Antidote DJ Carl Rylatt.). 10pm - 3am.

Cardiff Philharmonic Orchestra @ St. David’s Hall. The Orchestra opens its new season with a concert of popular classics for all the family. ROSSINI: The Thieving Magpie Overture, SAINT-SAËNS: The Carnival Of The Animals, RAVEL: Bolero, RESPIGH: The Pines Of Rome. 7:30pm. £5 (NUS) Saturday @ Incognito Swiss + pals from the house circuit of Wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, escape. til 2am Live @ Barfly yourcodenameis:milo + Amusement Parks On Fire + Agent Blue Doors 7.30 pm, £7. UBERALLES club night Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Mylo, Culprit One, Phantom Beats. The head honchos of Cardiff's premier record label Slow Graffiti present this up and coming talent. Scot Myles McInnes, better known as Mylo, will be traveling all the way from the Isle Of Skye to make your Saturday special. The Face described him as "the Scottish answer to Royksopp", but that doesn't do the man justice. Since releasing debut single 'Destroy Rock 'n' Roll' on his own label, Breastfed, NME, DJ, Musik and The Face have been all over him, like a rash.

9.00pm £5 Delinquent @ Metros 99p double +mixer.

Jape @ The Toucan Funky beats from North Wales. Excellent original band showing what Wales really has to offer…not just guitar angst bands! £5.50/£5 10pm ‘til 2am.

Rubber Duck @ Solus 10-2am £3 Beach Party @ Med Bar 7-11pm International Night @ Grad Bar, SU 8-11pm.

With DJs playing world music.

Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm.

Free.

All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!

Enough? 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Cheapskates @ Metros It may be a little dark cave but don’t let that put you off. This really is a legendary night... Go on, get yourself a musical education! Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 99p. No dress code. 9pm-2am. Current theories circulating in a bid to justify the unprecedented price rise from 80p to 99p include financing the spanky new carpet (no more will we slip over when leaning on the slopey wall) and the uberswanky locks on the girls’ toilet doors. A fair price I say.

Hang the DJ @ The Model Inn Bring your music and play it from 8 for the official preclwb warm up. Free entry lgbt Freshers’ Party @ Addiction Meet outside the union at 7:30 (on the steps) or at the venue at 7:45.

Electrio @ Moloko Weekly nights of ‘Raunchy Electro’, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem so I’m told... 8pm2am Philharmonia Orchestra @ St. David’s Hall Playing Tchaikovsky: Fantasy Overture, Romeo & Juliet, Rachmaninov: Piano Concerto No. 2, Mussorgsky: Pictures at an exhibition. 7:30pm. £5 (nus) The Soda Men @ The Toucan Original, melodic guitar band... and that’s all I know!

Arabesq @ Cafe Jazz Andy Roberts & Hanna Corr with bellydancing excitement. £2. 8:45 start.

Taboo@ Moloko World music till midnight.

Free entry.

Sunday @ Incognito Audio chefs' end of the week: a night that takes you wherever you want to go. Quality house music. 8-12.30pm, Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Acoustic open mic. sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen.

Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas.

8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm Prepare yourselves... It’s a major event on a Sunday...

Martin Grech @ Barfly With support from Lloyd Williams. Doors: 7:30pm. £7 adv.

It’s always the quiet ones. At 20 years old, Martin Grech does not immediately give the impression of someone who has access to the most intense, beautiful and forward looking music of the day. All that changes the second you witness Grech fronting his live band. With his guitar slung unfeasibly low and fingers flashing double jointed over the frets, Grech's astouding rock diva vocals ride the deconstructed metal drama of his live incarnation, and immediately it's apparent that one of the frontier talents of the next guitar band generation has arrived.

Grech’s self-written, guitared, piano'd and sung debut album 'Open Heart Zoo' is a jawdropper. The three-years-in-the-making opus is a magnificent implosion of avantrock, reaching deep down into hellfire and soaring celestially, frequently at the same time. It would be no bad idea to have a close look at the deceptively quiet, golden voiced, guitar melting boy from Aylesbury while the bars still hold him. This rare species tends not to stay caged for long.

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party@ Seren Las 7pm £2. See facing page for details.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Presenting a Breakdance special feat the Up Rock Addicts B-Boy crew. All b-boys will b performing B4 11.30pm. 8pm-2am. Free entry.

Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes - pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm- 2am. Free.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach 22-20's, Cathey Davey, Willy Mason "The best British rock band in years" - Vice. A proper rock band that will play an hour set in a tiny back room with leather jackets on throughout. After touring with Supergrass, The Thrills, Kings Of Leon and Jet the band will play their largest headline dates yet. Apparently Cathey Davey will be very famous very soon too… 8.00pm £7 Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach reggae, dub, ska Uprising has put reggae firmly back on Cardiff's musical agenda, spinning the hottest Jamaican import 7'' alongside classic selections from the 70s, 80s and 90s. 10.00pm. £3.

Hustler Showcase presents @ Solus (See facing page for details) Marcin Wright Band @ Cafe Jazz 8.45pm. £5/£3. Local jazz hero. Expect quality.

Judgement Night @ Metros The best in rock and metal. £2.50 or less..?

Live @ Barfly The Live Music Society Presents...The Caves, Little Kishky, Sweet Baboo. The first monthly LMS night, showcasing the best local and student bands. Doors: 7:30 pm.£3 (NUS) £2 (LMS) Soundbytes @ Journeys Run by resident DJ Dave Grooveslave and featuring live performances by local artists. This week: Lifting Gear Engineer and Fumezombie 8pm till late. free.Thursday @ Incognito A blend of resident magic, one of 3 residents plus the management spinning upfront house music til 2am. The debate is raging- who has the best leather sofas in town? Incogs and clwb are neck and neck.

Club Hardspoon @ The Toucan Original bands, DJs and Video DJs.

Chapter Arts Centre This week we’ll mostly be watching...

Nathalie France/Spain/2003/105 mins/subtitled/15. Dir Anne Fontaine. With Fanny Ardent, Emmanuelle Beart, Gerard Depardieu.

Catherine (Ardent) is an attractive woman with a great career and a seemingly solid marriage to Bernard (Depardieu), her husband of 25 years. Their lives seem to be going well until Catherine discovers that Bernard is having an affair. Realising that she does not really know her husband or what he really wants, Catherine hires Marlene (Beart), a beautiful prostitute, to act as Nathalie, a woman who will seduce Bernard and extract answers to the questions that are obsessing her. Described as a woman’s take on the classic love triangle, Nathalie is written and directed with Anne Fontaine’s usual flair and intelligence, and boasts a dream cast. www.wellspring.com/movies

Chapter Cinema 1 Showing times: Date Time 6 Sep, 20:15 7 Sep, 20:15 7 Sep, 14:30 8 Sep, 20:15 9 Sep, 20:15

“

In its current state the IMG football league is not a safe sporting environment

Men’s rugby begin with defeat

page 38

”

AU spokesman, September 2004

Shock changes to IMG sport

Back Page

Fraser Watson, AU Vice-President, Below

AU: IMG cannot continue in its current state

Issue 769, 4 October 2004 Sport Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs Email: grsport@hotmail.com Website: www.gairrhydd.net

Sport in brief

By John Stanton

SO Safety concerns and fierce competition herald a SAFARI BAD, MOVIES new dawn for the inter-departmental leagues SO GOOD

By John Stanton Sports Editor THE IMG MANAGEMENT Group, the governing body of the football, netball and rugby competitions, has set out stark new guidelines for the competitions in an attempt to ensure fair play and the safety of students.

The Athletic Union has attributed the need for change to the evolving nature of IMG sport.

An AU spokesman commented: “Traditionally, the IMG has existed as a non-competitive, department led sports programme for those students who, for whatever reason, do not compete within the formal competitive structure of the BUSA competitions. In recent years it appears that, due to any number of factors, the purpose and nature of the competition has changed.

“In its current state the IMG football league is not a safe sporting environment and as such cannot continue. Whilst participants enjoy the ‘informal’ nature of the competition, there are a number of issues that have to be addressed in order that the league is allowed to continue to operate. Regardless of anything else, safety is paramount.”

The AU, the overarching body of the IMG Management Group, will therefore be taking a hard-line approach regarding player safety. In order to put this into practice, every team will be required to supply a nominated firstaider who will undergo an appropriate training course. Teams failing to comply with this directive

GR SPORT FOLIO MEET THE UNIVERSITY’S TOP SPORTSPEOPLE Fraser Watson AU Vice President and 1st XV Rugby

By Matt Ramsden Sports Correspondent ON ARRANGING THIS week’s interview in the Taf with Fraser Watson, the AU vice-president and keen rugby player, I was slightly apprehensive.

Although a mid-afternoon meeting, I had fears that I would be met by a 6’6” rugger bugger, intent on an all-day bender that would end with copious amounts of beer being drunk through socks and running around St Mary’s Street in very little clothing.

However, although many of you rugby freshers have got this to look forward to, I was met by a guy who seems to have his hand firmly on the pulse of Cardiff AU sport and its future progression.

Elected vice-president with a very dodgy “Vote Fraze for Happy Days” campaign, Watson has now taken up his position whereby he will be sup-

porting current president James Cole.

When quizzed about where he and Cole want the AU to be in one year’s time, Watson was adamant that, although not feeling radical changes were necessary to the AU’s structure, he was keen to promote equal recognition for all sports: “As I quoted in my manifesto, I would like to help the president promote women’s participation and individual sports which aren’t so well publicised, such as women’s football and rugby”.

Although enthusiastic about improving participation in lessestablished university sports, Watson was keen to sing the praises of a university institution, the nowlegendary Wednesday afternoon IMG leagues.

Although encompassing both rugby and netball, it is football that has raised the most controversy with recent arguments over refereeing bias, pitch allocation and more topi-

will not be allowed to compete in this year’s competitions.

As part of this safety initiative, netball matches will now be overseen by a neutral umpire. However, claims of cheating and bias are likely to continue on the fields of Pontcanna, as no provision has been made for the inclusion of neutral football referees.

In another change set to infuriate last year’s successful Premiership teams, the IMG has this year been declared a “clean slate” and there will be no seeded teams in the October 15th draw.

As promised, the AU has also laid out its plans to end the use of “ringers” – nonCardiff University students.

Teams fielding unregistered

Cardiff students are liable to be docked three points and will forfeit any games in which an offending player appeared.

If a team is found to have fielded a non-Cardiff University student they will face expulsion from the league.

The AU accept their new no-nonsense approach to the organisation of the IMG may not run smoothly, but believe their attempts to formalise its running are essential to its improvement and evolution.

The AU spokesman continued, “In formalising the IMG programme we are providing a framework within which the leagues can continue to operate, but equally I believe improving the programme that we are able to offer students at Cardiff University. It is important to note that, in part, this successful transition will also depend upon the players.”

cally the first come first served nature of IMG team registration.

However, Watson was quick to point out that, although not without initial teething problems, we should all be looking forward to another season of “fun, rough and tumble IMG action”.

He commented: “We are aware that some participants were annoyed at the lack of competition towards the end of last season for teams with nothing to play for. We therefore introduced a change to the league system, with play-offs and finals at the end of the season”.

Watson was quick to point out that the fundamentals of IMG will remain fairly constant, such as the refereeing by substitutes and the “wet Wednesday afternoon kickabout” ethos that attracts many players to the IMG. However, as the interview progressed, I became aware that the vice president had been working on some important AU business that attracts many to the AU every year.

Improved playing facilities?

Reduced AU subscription?

“The annual AU slave auction”, Watson gleefully announced. I was all ready to go and secure my bank loan in order to successfully bid for the whole women’s netball team for a night of passion. Sadly, Watson brought me down to earth by pointing out that not until November 17th would we see the return of one of the union’s most successful flesh shows.

Conversation turned to Watson’s so far successful rugby career, and his desire to build on spells with

Llanelli youth and under- 21s, while cementing his place in the rugby 1st XV. Although recognising that amongst such tough competition he might have to resort to under-hand testicle squeezing in scrums, his eyes lit up when I asked for the rugby team’s aim for the year.

“Varsity”, he retorted quick as a flash. “I mean it hurt just watching from the sidelines last season, so a personal aim is to be involved this year”.

As I was just about to leave, satisfied that alongside the mighty James Cole, the AU was in safe hands, Watson ruined this illusion with two startling revelations. Firstly, he’s a Tottenham Hotspur fan, so no doubt we will be subjected to regular clichés about “sleeping giants” and “it’s our year for the FA cup”.

Secondly, his façade of respectability was shattered when he revealed the initiation for poor, unsuspecting rugby freshers: “Let’s just say last year involved a lot of drinking, arm bands and speedos”.

After observing my flatmate crawling home at 7.30pm, seminaked with several obscenities scrawled across his torso, I can assure freshers that they are in for a remarkable night.

So with a final warning for freshers to avoid a certain Ed Hollick, Watson departed, leaving me with the impression that the man is more rugger than bugger. To adopt a certain political quote: “the AU is working”.

Now where are those speedos?

THE THEME OF this year’s AU Slave Auction will now be “A Night at the Movies”, the AU has announced.

It had been expected to be themed “Rumble in the Jungle” but from the lion’s den that is the AU office, Tom Cruise and co emerged victorious.

BALL BOUNCES OUT OF CARDIFF SPORTS DEVELOPMENT Co-ordinator Trish Ball has left her post at Cardiff University for a position as Executive Officer at Snowsport England.

The position vacated is one of central importance to Cardiff’s sporting hopes, involving identifying and supporting Cardiff’s top sportspeople.

The vacancy, expected to be filled within two weeks, also includes a position on the IMG Management Group

TRIATHLETE COMPETES ON WORLD STAGE UNIVERSITY TRIATHLETE Dan Beynon swam, cycled and ran his way through a hectic schedule of summer events, including the World University Games in Palma.

The high-point of an eventful summer came as he finished second in the National Elite Sprint Championships.

GOLF DUO TASTE QUAICH SUCCESS BILLY HEMSTOCK AND Elliot Shaw both made the cut in the 72 hole Boyd Quaich Championship at St. Andrews, Scotland.

Hemstock’s final level par round ensured a ninth place finish in a competition including South Africans, Australians and Canadians.

Shaw finished a respectable 20th to ensure a successful tournament for the members of Cardiff University’s golf club.

If you have a view on what appears in gair rhydd sport then write to us at grsport@hotmail. com and we will strive to publish your opinions.

Page 38

University Sport

October 4 2004

grsport@hotmail.com

University sport is back again but men’s rugby start pre-season with defeat

By Fraser Watson Rugby Correspondent

Tenby 13 - 5 Cardiff THE CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 1st XV were left to rue the fact that they were unable to turn pressure and territorial superiority into points last Saturday as they went down narrowly to Tenby in the first round of the Konica Minolta Cup. Cardiff had the seasiders on the back foot early on with a series of five metre scrums but were unable to capitalise.

As the half wore on, the Tenby pack fought their way back into the game and began to assert themselves.

Indeed, it was the home side who broke the deadlock after half an hour, Andrew Davies escaping the Cardiff defence to score in the corner following a five metre scrum.

Cardiff hit back almost immediately, however, when Nick Scholes found himself in midfield and his attempted chip deflected perfectly into the arms of the outstanding Simon Franey.

The decisive score arrived in first half injury time when Scott Mcaughlin capitalised on his own grubber kick through to score and send the home side in with a half time lead.

After Andrew Davies hit the post early in the second half with a long range penalty attempt, Tenby found themselves camped in their own 22 for the majority of the second half.

Despite constant pressure, Cardiff were plagued by turnovers and mistakes at crucial times. Davies effectively

sealed the game for Tenby with a 30 metre penalty score in the dying moments.

Despite the defeat, Rugby co-ordinator Adrian Evans was encouraged with the performance. He commented: “Given the limited preparation time I was pleased with our defence and control. It was a decent performance to build upon”.

Cardiff XV - SImon Franey, John Walder, Dan Pollard, Ian Dick, Fraser Watson (Pete Salmon), Ed Bradknock, Tom Eastham, Brad Raison, Dan Browne (Paul T), Will Morris, Tom Morrison, Damian Welch, Owain Griffiths (cap), Ed Hollick (Alex Mackintosh), Nick Scholes

Cardiff 29 - 19 Glamorgan CARDIFF 1ST XV NOTCHED their first win of the pre-season campaign with a hard fought win over Glamorgan Wanderers on Wednesday night.

Cardiff raced into a 17-0 half time lead with tries from centre Ian Dick, full back Lawrence Price and scrum-half Tom Eastham. The home side increased their lead after the break with a well worked try from replacement Ed Bradknock.

However, complacency and defensive mix-ups allowed the Wanderers to reduce the lead to just three points before skipper Owain Griffiths sealed the victory with a fine solo effort late on.

Mixed star t for Cardiff 1st XV

Page 39

Sports Report: The Burning Issue

October 4 2004

grsport@hotmail.com

Footing the bill

In the last 15 years many sports have been significantly altered by television coverage and a new breed of chairmen, but just how much does this cost the supporters?

From left: County cricket succeeds where others fail, combining financial stability with crowd-pleasing entertainment. Manchester United’s ‘Theatre of Dreams’, a stage upon which the TV cameras descend. Rugby league switched from a winter to a summer sport to fill a void in Sky’s schedules.

By Thom Airs Sports Editor FOOTBALL FANS get a rough ride at times.

The pain of being soaked on open terraces, the torture of midweek defeats at Carlisle and the ignominy of having your team’s defeat spelt out on the vidiprinter: 7 (SEVEN) – 0.

But is the passion and pride of supporters taken for granted when the moneymen come to collect their slice of the football pie?

At its highest level football is a rich game, but away from the Premiership and the Champions’ League things are not quite so affluent. Recent events would also suggest that it is the fans who fork out when the financial mistakes of club chairmen come home to roost.

“The ignominy of having your team’s defeat spelt out on the vidiprinter: 7 (SEVEN)- 0” Take the fans of Bradford City for example. Their club has been in a financial tailspin since dropping out of the top flight in 2000, so when asked to fork out thousands of pounds upfront for 10-year season tickets many fans saw the offer as an acceptable way of raising funds.

Indeed these funds were invaluable to the new owners of the Yorkshire club. Perhaps more valuable than the fans themselves as these decade-long tickets were promptly nullified without refunds.

If players were deprived of even 10 weeks’ wages Gordon Taylor’s soporific tones would resonate from every TV and radio interview possible as he and his team at the Professional Footballers’ Association mobilised in an attempt to save impoverished players. So, do supporters have a similar voice when their money is squandered, stolen or mis-used? Hardly. The Football Supporters’ Federation is a well-run organisation, but for all its good intentions it lacks the political clout of the PFA. Crucially, it also lacks financial strength and in the modern game this is an insurmountable disadvantage.

Unfortunately, the pursuit of the next footballing cash cow is a relentless stampede that often leaves the opinions of fans in its wake.

Common sense dictates that ignoring the fans is a dangerous tactic, but football’s global appeal means that there is almost always a television audience for top-class matches no matter how much the manipulation of kick-off times angers fans.

I would like to believe that the owners of clubs like Bradford City are intelligent enough to realise that football would be nothing without its fans but some chairmen’s decisions are generating unease amongst supporters. The Milton Keynes Dons saga has been well documented but the relegation and dwindling support

is a shining example of what happens when you pull your club away from its supporters.

Aside from the wheelings and dealings of club chairmen the revolution in televised sport has irreversibly changed the relationship between clubs and their fans. Talk to most dedicated football fans and they will say that following their team up and down the country is one of the most enjoyable parts of the game.

The matchday atmosphere, the banter with opposing fans and the sights and sounds of a new ground are all what makes supporting a team so highly addictive. But armchair fans, with the sights and sounds of the sofa and the banter with the dog, are being hoisted in to a privileged position in the current game.

The cost of going to football week-in, week-out is huge in the Premiership and it is steadily rising in the lower leagues. This season, for the first time since the ITV Digital collapse, crowds in the Coca-Cola leagues are dropping, even among well-supported teams. In League Two Oxford United have seen their average attendances drop by a third despite a good league position and well-received new signings. It seems, at last, that football fans are really being put off by high ticket prices. A handful of clubs in League Two charge over £20 for tickets and this season the fans have voted with their feet by simply not turning up on such a regular basis.

However, it is not just football that has been indelibly marked by television. With barely a cursory consultation with supporters, rugby league

changed from a winter to a summer sport in the blink of an eye – but was this an entirely bad move by the sport’s governing bodies? Granted, moving a sport from one season to another is disruptive and almost sacrilegious, but rugby league is not the national treasure that football is and so it needs to adapt to survive. Sky Sports may have used rugby league as a commodity to fill traditionally barren summer TV schedules but cynicism aside, the sport has

“The pursuit of the next footballing cash cow is a relentless stampede that often leaves the opinions of fans in its wake” undoubtedly been strengthened.

Clubs and fans alike have benefited from Sky’s presence as crowds have increased and the quality of rugby has risen with tie-ins with the Australian league (a pet-project of Rupert Murdoch).

Rugby league may have sold its soul to a television company, but the game is fundamentally the same and most supporters would settle for summer sport over none at all.

Another success story in the age of Sky Sports is cricket. Despite its vaunted attachment to customs, the

gentlemen’s game has managed to sustain a workable compromise between modernity and tradition.

Clubs benefit from increased television revenue thanks to competitions such as the twenty20 cup, while fans can still purchase season tickets for well under £40. Supporters of county sides have to put up with national players often being unavailable for selection but the success of the national side directly helps the domestic game.

Cricket and rugby league may be enjoying their raised profiles but football is further down the commercialism line and the cracks are beginning to show. For just how long can soccer fend off despotic chairmen and money-chasing corporations?

It seems that many football fans believe the beautiful game is untouchable. Footballers’ wages may be received tax-free, planning laws may be negated when a new stadium is called for and the big names may even be immune to prison, but football does not exist in its own world right now. With the huge amounts of money involved in top-notch competition the football fraternity is being breached by people solely looking for money-making opportunities.

Sadly, it appears that most businesses involved in extracting money from football are alienating the true fans by gearing kick-off times to suit television audiences and making teams travel further afield in search of lucrative games.

The laces are undone and the leather is straining at the seams.

Right now football is perilously close to out-growing its commercial boots.

Agree with us? Yes or no, we want to hear from you: grsport@hotmail.com

gair rhydd

MEET THE AU VICE PRESIDENT

Fraser Watson speaks to Sport about his role in the Athletic Union See page 37 “He thought he might have to resort to under-hand testicle-squeezing in scrums.”

PAYING THE PRICE Thom Airs counts the mounting cost of watching live football See page 39 See page 37

WIND OF CHANGE SWEEPS THROUGH GAMES New for 2004/05: ■ Top 3 teams in football premiership compete for championship in Llanrumney deciders.

■ Netball matches (inset) to be officiated by independent umpires.

■ Immediate expulsion from the league for teams who field non-Cardiff University players.

■ Each squad must contain a trained first-aider.

IMG REVOLUTION

HANDS UP: Neutral umpires

GR SPORT EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL THE AU’S PLANS FOR IMG

By John Stanton, Sports Editor

NEW PLANS unveiled this week are set to revolutionise IMG sport in one of the biggest shake-ups the competitions have seen for years.

Football’s Premiership winners will no longer be guaranteed the IMG trophy. Under the new system set out by the Athletic Union, the third placed team could walk away with glory in a Llanrumney showpiece finale.

An AU spokesman commented: "To provide a suitable spectacle to finish the season, we will be adopting a "Zurich Premiership" type finish. This will involve those finishing second and third in the Premier League playing off against each other for the right to meet the team

that finished first in the league to determine the Premier League Champions for the 2004/05 season.

"This will provide a Cup Final occasion for the end of the season, finishing with a last day showdown that is too often not the case with league competitions."

Football is not the only IMG com-

RUGBY: No changes yet

petition to face dramatic change.

In a bid to consign claims of cheating and biased umpiring to the past, every netball match will now have a neutral umpire assigned to it from another team. No such action has been taken regarding football, with the AU happy to trust in its students’ sense of fair play.

The spokesman continued, "The refereeing of IMG fixtures has been the major point of complaint from those competing in the IMG programme in previous seasons.

While there is no provision for referees, individuals refereeing fixtures are advised to do so within the spirit and ethos with which the IMG league runs."

The changes will come into being when the new IMG season kicks off in earnest on October 20th.

CHANGES AFOOT: The AU hope to make IMG football safer

Full details of the planned changes, including an interview with the AU Vice Pres., on page 37 GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMANS IN PETERBOROUGH ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■FRESHERS: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PESTING■AIRS: MY PINK HAIR STRAIGHTENER SHAME ■ RIATH: “THE BOYS LAUGHED AT MY PUBES SO I SHAVED THEM OFF. BUT THEY LAUGHED MORE.” ■ GARY: HYPHENATE MY SQUASHED TESTICLES ■ HOW DID OXFORD DO THIS WEEK THOM? OH THEY LOST TO EXETER - A CONFERENCE SIDE NO LESS ■ BUFF MY PYLON ■ JIMBO LOVES XPRESS