gair rhydd - Issue 770

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

“This debate boils down to one thing: class warfare over animal welfare” James Emtage defends foxhunting POLITICS P. 7

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

ISSUE 770. OCTOBER 11 2004

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QFood: Your one stop guide to cooking your way through university With recipies for vegetarians, non-cooks, bargain hunters and cocktail lovers

THE LAST STAND NUS takes the national top-up fees demo to Cardiff

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter THE NATIONAL Union of Students will be bringing the battle against top-up fees to Cardiff this December.

The NUS hopes that students, lecturers and Members of Parliament will unite to voice their opposition to the government’s plans.

NUS Wales, supported by the UK body, is holding a “last stand” demonstration in the continuing

face-off with the government over fees.

The move highlights the current debate within the Welsh Assembly over the controversial fees. The assembly will vote on the policy by May 2005 at the latest and the supporters of the “last stand” are taking full advantage of the remaining time.

Cardiff University academic, Professor Teresa Rees, has been commissioned by the assembly to examine different means of guaranteeing the future financial stability of Welsh universities, and her

advice concerning top-up fees is due in February.

The announcement coincides with the NUS president Kat Fletcher’s visit to Wales where she repeated her union’s whole-hearted opposition to the introduction of variable top-up fees.

Her sentiments were echoed by the president of Cardiff University’s Students’ Union, Gary Rees, who called for “all UK University members to stand together with their student compatriots.”

Continued page 2

ANGRY: Students on demos in previous years

News

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October 11 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance

News Politics Opinion Letters Jobs and Money Listings Science Taf-Od Media Competitions Television Five Minute Fun Problem Page Sport

1 7 8 11 12 14 16 17 19 20 21 30 31 32

EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan DEPUTY ASSISTANT Alys Victoria Louise Southwood III SUB EDITORS Ken Griffin, Robbie Lane NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton TELEVISION TV Holly, Will Dean, John Widdop, Katie Brunt LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell FIVE MINUTE FUN Sarah Bayes COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, AJ Silvers PROOF READERS Alys Southwood, Katherine Mallam, Carly Sharples

CONTRIBUTORS

Charlotte Stonebridge, Matt Wilkin, Dan Ridler, David Morris, Sophie Robehmed, Molly Forbes, Gemma Williams, Nicholas J. Waldron, Bethany Whiteside, Tom Scobie, Jemma Gander, James Emtage, Sarah Gregory, Reverend Lorraine Cavanagh, Andrew Andersen, Fatima BiblMannan, Nick Parnell, Ross Whittam, James Cole, Ashley James, Matt Ramsden

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Volunteers go fair crazy

VOLUNTEERS: giving something back

By Paul Dicken News Editor OVER 900 people packed the Great Hall for the Student Volunteering Fayre last Monday.

After the successes of the fayres during freshers’ week, the annual Student Volunteering Fayre brought an end to one of busiest weeks of fairs that the union has ever seen.

The fair provided students with a chance to find out about and join up to all 27 projects organised by SVC. While some projects provide directly transferable skills for a career there are aspects of all the projects that are enjoyable and enable students to get to know some of the different people in Cardiff, outside of the student population.

This year the fair increased its quota of stalls with nine external voluntary organisations and societies in attendance. The student support helpline – Nightline was present, as well as the campaigning and development society Save the Children among others.

While the high attendance at the fair has meant some of the projects are almost full, SVC are still recruiting.

You can drop into the office on the third floor of the Students’ Union or visit www.SVCardiff.org for all the info and details.

Research fellowships land £1.5 million fund

By Charlotte Stonebridge Reporter CARDIFF University has secured £1.5 million in funding to appoint new experts in a number of key research areas.

The funding, which resulted from a successful bid to the Academic Fellowship Scheme, is courtesy of Research Councils UK and will help to benefit six leading areas of research at the university.

The university will use the funding to turn twelve new fellowships into permanent appointments, in an attempt to provide secure career paths for young researchers whilst simultaneously maintaining the level of research in these subjects.

"It confirms the university’s commitment to invest in areas of research, and benefits from the merger between Cardiff University and the University of Wales College of Medicine," said Cardiff’s Vice Chancellor, Dr David Grant.

Newport goes Super-Size

By Matt Wilkin Reporter PLANS HAVE BEEN unveiled for a new "super university" that looks set to rival Cardiff University as Wales’ largest higher education institution.

The new £33 million campus at Caerleon Park would bring thousands of new jobs to the University of Wales, Newport, which would also include a fully integrated, researchbased business park.

If successful, the proposed project – University Park Newport – would mirror the achievements of other single campus universities, such as the University of Warwick, which employs nearly 2,000 people at its integrated science park.

Dr Peter Noyles, UWN Deputy Vice-Chancellor, commented recently that the university had been looking at improving its facilities for some

time, adding that, "the university is set to expand its student numbers over the next few years.

"However, the plans clash with an incentive to move part of the university into Newport city centre.

Dr Noyles said, "These two proposals are being developed at a time when the popularity of the university is increasing.

"We are keen to examine both proposals as they both offer different, but significant future advantages for the university, its students and Newport.”

NEWPORT: Dream on

The funding will be used on projects, which will explore and address the impact of social and economic change on the health and well being of different social groups.

Health research will be a particular priority and an area whose will benefit include medical technologies research aimed at advances in tissue repair and medical engineering and biostatistics research to produce vital data and information in a range of health areas.

The funding will also be used for providing information on the controversy surrounding BSE, GM Crops and the MMR Vaccine and work on biomarkers to aid diagnoses, prognoses and responses to therapy.

Dr Grant said: "Our emphasis on research across traditional disciplines is delivering real benefits to society in health, science and the economy."

"I am particularly pleased that these fellowships will provide a secure career path for the most able of the emerging cohort of researchers”.

Demo comes to Cardiff Story continued from Front NUS Wales President James Knight said that: "Welsh universities must not suffer from lack of funding in comparison to their English counterparts, but top-up fees are not the answer."

Welsh political figures and lecturers also plan to join students and make themselves heard at the mass rally.

Jenny Randerson, a Liberal Democrat Assembly Minister for Cardiff, has said that she will join students at the march. She has asked students not to "rely on other people to protest for you; get down there”.

"The situation about top-up fees is completely uncertain: Wales has been left in limbo," she added.

A key figure representing the field of lecturers, Colwn Williamson, a member of the Associate Union of Teachers, Council for Academic Freedom and Academic Standards and the Welsh NUS, also opposes top-up fees.

"I will do what I can to ensure all three endorse and participate in the campaign against top-up fees," he said.

But lecturers and MPs are also concerned about the future of Welsh universities after English institutions were given the goahead to introduce much higher fees.

Jon Owen Jones, Labour MP for Cardiff Central, said that he has consistently fought against the proposals and believes that campaigning against their introduction in England was the best means of preventing the issue in Wales.

He stressed that since top-up fees have been introduced in England there is a need for adequate funding for Welsh institutions because "we must preserve excellent institutions like Cardiff."

Possible implications for Welsh universities compared to top-up fee funded English institutions include poorer quality resources, poorer pay for staff and cross-border controls between Wales and England.

Is that fresher’s flu or by-election fever?

By Dan Ridler Reporter

STUDENTS ARE being given the chance to stand for nomination to Cardiff University Students’ Union once again in this month’s union by-elections.

But the union is “not expecting a great turnout” at the by-elections, which are being held on 25 and 26 October, according to Union Secretary, James Green.

“Being by-elections they are not expected to attract too much interest”, he said. But he added that he was hopeful that students would become more interested once campaigning gets underway.

While there has been some interest in the nominations packs provided by the union, some students, especially

freshers, are still in the dark about the process.

Posters advertising the available seven non-sabbatical positions have been popping up around the union building.

Nominations closed on 7 October and electoral campaigning should being soon.

While the names of nominees are not yet available at the time of writing, the seven positions of Post-graduate, Mature Students, Welsh Affairs, Disabilities, Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual and Women’s Officers along with the Vice President of Medicine, Biosciences and Health are all vacant.

For all freshers interested in voting, polling booths will be at Talybont, University Hall and Aberconway, with many more scattered around the union and university.

News

October 11 2004

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

P h o t o : L u ke Pav ey

DOUBLE TROUBLE Two crashes on the same road in one afternoon

By Dave Doyle News Editor WOODVILLE ROAD was littered with debris last Tuesday after two seperate crashes occured in exactly the same place.

Both incidents happened as traffic attempted to navigate the cross-

roads between Catherine Street, Mundy Place and Woodville Road.

The first incident on Tuesday afternoon occured when a maroon Vauxhall Astra collided with a Ford Fiesta causing significant damage to the front of the vehicle.

The police responded by

pulling the cars to the side of the road and setting a ring of traffic cones around them.

The second incident occured at 4:15 as students returned from their lectures.

A first year student, who has not been named, cycled straight into a

Flawed Escort

By David Morris Reporter POSTERS FROM escort agencies targeting students have appeared in Cardiff recently.

But many of the flyers, which appeared on Colum Road advertising for “attractive men and women,” were removed soon after they were put up.

Many of the escort agencies are believed to be attempting to lure students with promises of “hundreds of pounds an evening” with the staff being asked to socialise with a client for a couple of hours.

But concerns have been raised

about the possible links between escort agencies and prostitution.

Three years ago when similar posters appeared near Cardiff University, the then president of Cardiff ’s Students’ Union Tom McGarry said that he would be “very sceptical about any poster offering hundreds of pounds an hour, especially one that only gives a mobile phone number as a contact”.

But some students have told the gair rhydd that they would seriously considering working as escorts.

“To be honest, it all sounds a bit shady, not many people would choose to do it as a career, money is

the only incentive really. But if my funds get too low then it would be something I would consider,” said one student, who wished to remain nameless.

Sources close to the Cardiff job shop have revealed that they are not authorised to advertise escort services. But they added that they had never been approached by an escort agency.

Meanwhile, Baroness Wolmsley, an “ambassador” for the NSPCC has warned that tuition fees charged by English and Welsh institutions could lead many female students into prostitution.

NUS shun controversial Islamic scholar

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter THE FEDERATION of Student Islamic Societies (FOSIS) has criticsed the NUS after theypassed a motion urging a Muslim scholar be removed from the impending European Social Forum.

The union has claimed that Professor Tariq Ramadan agrees with “the denial of basic human rights for women”.

Out of 22 people present at the NUS meeting, only four voted against and another three abstained.

The move has angered some Muslim groups. In a statement from FOSIS the opinion was expressed that: “most of the people haven’t even heard of Professor Ramadan before but were voting for ulterior

motives”.

The motion was advanced by the Alliance of Workers Liberty, supported by both UJS and Labour students.

FOSIS executive member Jamal El-Shayyal has said that the accusations against Professor Ramadan are untrue.

“Any of the accusations levelled against him are not only false but ludicrous, particularly seeing as he has recently been promoted by the Foreign Office as a major voice for integration and positive participation in western societies,” he said.

FOSIS are launching a campaign for the motion to be overruled as soon as possible and are demanding a formal apology from the NUS NEC. But Alan Clark of the NUS, who

proposed the motion, has said that the union has no problems with Muslims.

“I do not have a problem with Professor Ramadan because he is a Muslim or religious, in any shape or form, but I decided that he should not be invited because he does not hold any true values that the NUS support. Society should not be based on religion, but democracy,” he said.

The President of the Cardiff University Islamic Society, Shabaz Malik, has also criticised the NUS vote.

“It is utter nonsense for anyone to brand Islamic Law as oppressive to women and inhumane without much factual knowledge. One should not listen to word of mouth facts, but should find out for themselves,” he said.

white transit van.

The Cartwright Court resident was thrown over his handlebars and into the front of the van, cracking the windscreen with his face, before slumping to the ground.

Amazingly he rose immediately and attempted to cycle away on his

wrecked bicycle.

When stopped he said: “Don’t worry, I’ve been hit harder than that before.”

However third year English student Emma Garland, who saw the accident, said: “I thought we were going to need to take his pulse.”

Safe as houses

By Molly Forbes Reporter CARDIFF POLICE have launched a new initiative aimed at stopping a spate of burglaries at local student houses.

In the past two weeks, 14 student houses have been burgled.

Police fear that more could be broken into unless students become more aware of home security.

Police are now offering to check student houses to see if they are fully secure.

Police Student Liaison Officer PC Bob Keohane said that the new initiative would help reassure students about their safety.

“Any student who does not feel safe in their house need only ring us and arrange a house security-check. We are focusing on the security of ground floor windows and doors, alongside windows on the first floor that are easy to access from the outside,” he said.

The initiative aims to prevent a repeat of alarming incidents where Cardiff students have woken up to find burglars ransacking their homes.

Some students have claimed that landlords need to install better locks in student houses. One student, who wishes to remain anonymous, told the gair rhydd that she felt unsafe in her house last year.

“Our house didn’t have proper locks on our windows, and when we told our landlady she just ignored us. Maybe she would have taken more notice if the police had recommended the new locks to her,” she said.

But local landlords have said that the issue of burglary in student houses is more complex.

One landlord with over thirty year’s experience said that burglars usually target poorly maintained student houses.

“These houses pervade an air of dereliction that makes them stand out. I think that just by keeping the house looking tidy, with a cut lawn and clean windows makes them safer. Safety is just as much about good maintenance as it is about secure locks,” he said.

Police have admitted that they are unable to force landlords to take steps to protect students from burglary. They can only issue guidelines, which aren’t legally enforceable, to landlords.

As a result, they are urging students to look after their own security and take steps to protect themselves, such as leaving lights on when going out and just making it look like someone is at home.

If you wish to organise a free police security check on your house, contact PC Bob Keohane on 07976831365 or e-mail Rober t.Keohane@southwales.pnn.police.uk.

News

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October 11 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

NUS: MORE THAN A CARD

Ollie Rocos and Matt Wilkin quiz NUS President Kat Fletcher on her role as student spokesperson, access to university and dancing at the Labour conference THE NATIONAL Union of Students is the largest and, potentially, the most powerful of all unions in Britain.

With over five million members it is able to mobilise a force over five times as large as the UK’s armed forces.

But to the average student, the NUS appears to be of very distant influence, of no immediate interest or effect aside from the shiny NUS card and shopping centre discounts.

Kat Fletcher, the new NUS President, is attempting to dispel this view and reassert the authority of what should - in theory at least - be an extremely powerful body.

NUS was founded in 1922 as a collection of unions and has since grown to encompass virtually all of the colleges and universities in the United Kingdom.

Cardiff - along with 750 other establishments - pay an affiliation fee of £50,000 each year and in return for this payout, obtain support in the form of training for its sabbatical officers, legal assistance and subsidised food and drink in the union’s catering outlets.

But does being a member of the NUS mean more than having the yellow logo printed on a plastic card?

“Of course it does,” Kat replies. “Cardiff University Students’ Union exists on the principle that together, people are stronger, can do more and can represent student voices locally.

“The NUS is about replicating that at a national level - a stronger voice, a bigger voice and a more collective voice.”

Fletcher was in Cardiff as part of a nationwide tour, keen to build a stronger relationship between the NUS and the Union.

She said: “I’ve been very impressed

by Cardiff’s Student Union, but not just by the building - you have a team which is committed to putting students’ needs first and it shows. It’s been really good to see union services at their very best.”

She also said she was pleased to be

herself and her politically active predecessors as she has decided to focus on achieving an improved NUS to benefit students, rather than furthering her own career as a young politician.

Twenty-four year-old Fletcher hopes to kick start a new wave of success for the NUS. A drive entitled Education, Education, Education is being spearheaded to encourage students to vote.

Fletcher said: “I want students to make informed votes and to go to the ballot box knowing that their contribution counts. At the end of the day, the student vote is needed to put education much higher on the government’s agenda.”

The NUS not only represents university students but also those pupils

“I’ve been priced out of the Tory market their conference tickets were too expensive”

FLETCHER: Nine out of ten Kats prefer gair rhydd visiting prior to the NUS annual demonstration in Cardiff in December (as reported on our front page story).

As President, Sheffield-born Fletcher works mainly in London, but recently attended the Labour party’s

“a stronger voice, a bigger voice and a more collective voice” Fletcher on the aims of the NUS

conference in Brighton, representing students across the further and higher education sectors.

She is a Labour activist, with strong collectivist ideas, commenting that she resiliently follows the idea of “united we stand, divided we fall”. She studied social policy at Leeds University and was destined for a career in teaching before entering into the politics of the NUS. Various critics have placed her firmly within the boundaries of New Labour; a Blairite whose activities include jiving to the D-Ream classic Things Can Only Get Better (“I sat in my seat grooving and that was it”) and schmoozing with top party officials.

She claims to be a far more downto-earth President, explaining that cooperation with the incumbent rulers is necessary for the advancement of the cause, and to shun such political activity would be “foolish”.

For the record, Fletcher is not a New Labour subscriber, preferring the older methods of Labour that she was brought up with in the Sheffield stronghold. She does, however, drive a course between old and new Labour and the Liberal Democrats and said: “I’ve been priced out of the Conservative market their Bournemouth conference tickets were far too expensive.”

She rejects comparisons between

that have yet to enter higher education, and has recently been involved in a report examining the methods of admissions into different stages of schooling, primarily the step between college and university.

Fletcher said: “We believe that students should be judged more on their potential apposed to traditional A level grades.

“Other factors ought to be taken into consideration such as the individual’s background, educational experiences and extra-curricular activities, for a fair decision to be made.

“If a move were successful it would open more doors for those who would have struggled previously to get to university.”

Fletcher certainly appears to be the right person for the job. Unlike many of her predecessors, she is a university graduate, and is certainly practical enough to ensure that the National Union of Students is transformed into a powerful force to be reckoned with for years to come.

Student Council proves apathy a thing of the past

By Gemma Williams Reporter STUDENT COUNCIL has been relaunched this year with a new image that has proved very popular with students.

The first Student Council meeting of the year will be held this monday and the body will meet every other week after that with around 12 meetings planned for this year.

According to council member Jim Sefton, there is far greater optimism about the state of the council for the year ahead than there has been in the recent past.

“The number of people that have signed up this year is a massive step forward in reinstating Student Council as an effective representative and policy-making body after the disappointing record of recent years.

“The current Union Executive have recognised the failings of previous

Exec teams in their attitude to Student Council and have ammended their approach accordingly.”

Student Union President Gary Rees said that he is determined that there will be no more unproductive Union Student Council meetings.

“There will be time limits for future meetings and every issue will make a real difference and shape the Union for students. If students want to see something change then the Student Council is the place to do it.”

Gary said that it is vital that all aspects of university life are represented: “Everyone is welcome, from sport to social clubs and religion, to people who just want to express an opinion.”

He went on to claim that the Students’ Union would give all student councillors who attend 80 percent or more of meetings a letter of commendation to aid their future employment and a free summer ball ticket.

The welcome meeting of the Student Council will be held at

6.30pm on Monday October 11 in the Aneurin Bevan room on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union. There will also be refreshments for all who attend.

Those interested in getting involved in the council can attend the welcome meeting or go and see James Green or Chris Evans on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

Further information about the council is also available at www.cardiffstudents.com/main/yourunion/suc.

World News

October 11 2004

Page 5

grnews@cf.ac.uk

KERRY DRAWS LEVEL

World News Round-up

By Nicholas J. Waldron Reporter

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter

JOHN KERRY has closed the gap between himself and George W Bush in this year’s US Presidential Race, according to a new poll by CNN and USA Today.

Senator Kerry and President Bush are now tied on 49pc support each, making the final stages of their campaigns crucial. The American media have speculated that this surge of support for Kerry could be due to Bush’s poor performance in this year’s first televised US Presidential Debate, which was held on September 30.

During the debate, Bush found it hard to respond as Kerry criticised the war in Iraq and his opponent’s inability to tackle al-Qaeda. Looking visibly perturbed, he stared into blank space, chewed his mouth and shouted at Senator Kerry to stop pressuring him when he had not in fact said a word.

The issue of the Military and National defence has been prominent in both candidates’ campaigns with President Bush exploiting his image as the commander and chief, while Kerry has criticised his decision to invade Iraq, a conflict which some liberal media sources are calling ‘Vietnam for the 21st century’.

President Bush had been expected to have a large lead in the poll due to his aggressive foreign policy and national security directives. Bush has tried to style himself as the guardian of the American way of life through his War on Terror against al-Qaeda and the so-called ‘Axis of Evil’.

This warlike attitude was hugely popular with the American public at first but it has now led to fears of huge American casualties if Bush leads the country into further wars.

Public opinion polls seem to reinforce this as public support for the Iraq war and the Bush administration drops as more American military personnel are wounded and killed.

The issue of military service has also been a source of Republican embarrassment, as Bush’s campaign has centred around his role since 9/11 as a wartime leader, despite being undermined by his chequered service record in the Texan National Air Guard.

By contrast, Kerry has a glittering service record in Vietnam where he was awarded three Purple Hearts and a Bronze and Silver Star.

The close contest between the two candidates makes the ‘swing states’ critical to the success of Kerry or Bush. Perhaps the most critical of the

Presidential Uprising in Haiti

By Tom Scobie Reporter

and the authorities now takes place against a backdrop of receding floodwaters, mud, looting and threat of disease.

In this state of anarchy corrupt police are deserting their posts and it is has been left to the international presence to deal with the storm’s

THE DEVASTATION in Haiti caused by September‘s tropical storm has compounded the country’s existing political problems while recent estimates put HAITI: Left in ruin by storms the death toll from the storm at around 2,000 people.

Haiti occupies the western third of the large Caribbean island of Hispaniola and is the poorest country in the Americas. It has a long history of political instability and violence and the turmoil of the recent rebel coup has only been augmented by tropical storm Jeanne.

The chaotic and bloody power struggle between the armed militia

contended states is Florida with its diverse ethnic mix and massive number of undecided voters.

Democrats are hoping that Senator Kerry’s appeal to Black and Latin communities will help to negate any influence that the Governor of Florida, Jeb Bush (the President’s brother) may have on the white population’s voting habits.

President Bush’s voting support has been severely undermined by a new climate of anti-Muslim sentiment that has arisen during Bush’s first term as president. Kerry has reacted quickly to this stating the US should "reach out to the Muslim world."

Kerry also has got support from the predominantly liberal world of celebrity, many of whom have objected to the increased nationalism and fear within America.

Bruce Springsteen and REM recently performed at a charity concert in aid of Kerry’s campaign.

Michael J Fox has also lent his voice to Kerry’s campaign, speaking out against the restrictions Bush has placed on scientific research, despite his worsening health. "The hard truth is that when it comes to stem cell research, our president is sacrificing science for ideology and playing politics with people who need cures," he

said.

In a country where such value is placed on celebrities this may prove fatal to the Bush administration. But Bush does possess massive support amongst the upper and middle classes, the business community, with his new hard line on national security winning him many previously liberal voters.

However, if there is one thing that can be learnt from the previous election it is that no matter how bad things look for the Bush campaign nothing can be counted on until the final recount of the elections.

aftermath.

The international community has attempted to help Haiti in the past and President Clinton reinstalled the country’s first ever democratically elected president Aristide after he was ousted in a military coup in 1991.

More recently the Bush administration, unanimously supported by the UN, have sent thousands of troops to lead other nations attempts to maintain order. This time, however, the US has helped to remove Aristide out of power claiming that he is an obstacle to the future of stable democracy of the country.

This year marks the 200th anniversary of Haiti’s independence when thousands of slaves overthrew their European colonial rulers and set up the world’s first black republic. But it also marks a new low in the troubled history of a country where there have been 32 coups and numerous failed attempts at democratisation.

Massive wealth inequalities mean

the majority of innocent Haitians live in abject poverty. Their destiny lies now with the international community, most notably the USA. Unfortunately the resources and long term commitment from the USA is uncertain as troops and money are tied up in Iraq and the war on terror.

BUSH AND KERRY: get close

HHAITI’S CITIZENS; scramble for

A REPORT released by the Iraq Survey Group has dismissed the existence of weapons of mass destruction supposedly held by Iraq at the time war was announced.

Key findings in the report highlight the intention Saddam Hussein had in pursuing "a strategy to maintain a capability to return to WMD after sanctions were lifted." The possibility also existed that "some weapons existed in Iraq [in 2003], although not of a military significant capability.”

Such conclusions within this report have intensified criticism against Blair and Bush in their decision to wage war. Allegations that such weapons existed had been a key reason for the coalition going to war. Democrat Senator Jay Rockefeller has disagreed with Bush that possible WMD controlled by Hussein was "a risk we could not afford to take" by stating: "We invaded a country, thousands of people have died and Iraq never posed a grave or growing danger."

Conflict in the Middle East has resulted in the death of two Gaza teenagers killed by an Israeli tank.

The Palestinian death toll has now reached 77 in four bloody years of conflict. An Israeli military source said the two Palestinians were caught attempting to launch a Quassam rocket.

The abdication of King Norodom Sihanouk of Cambodia has sparked something of a constitutional crisis within the country. Pleading ill health he has asked "all compatriots to please allow me to retire." Due to illness and political rows the king has threatened to quit before. On his impending return from medical treatment abroad, a letter was received from the opposition leader Mr Rainsy whereby "violent demonstrations" were planned for his return.

However, the monarchy in the country is not hereditary and it is not known for certain if abdication is allowed. The king, once appointed, is supposed to rule for life. The reign of Sihanouk has been filled with turbulence and controversy marks its end. A special council is due to meet and decide what will happen next.

British struggle against U.S justice

By Jemma Gander Reporter THE UNITED States are to carry out ‘back door’ trials for the four British citizens being held at Guantanamo Bay. Despite a direct plea from the British Government and Tony Blair himself, four Britons remain in Guantanamo Bay under possible charges of terrorism. The four Britons, Feroz Abbasi, 23, Richard Belmar, 23, Martin Mubanga, 29 and Mozzam Begg, 36, have all been incarcerated without charge for two and half years.

Under American emergency anti-

terror laws, legislation passed after the September 11 attacks, the four Brits will be tried as ‘enemy combatants’ on the side of al-Qaeda. One defendant could be charged with meeting with Osama Bin Laden and offering his life as a suicide bomber.

The detainees remain in Camp Delta, Cuba despite an agreement between Lord Goldsmith and the American administration last year to hand the men back to Britain.

The British-American relationship seems hindered by an inequality of influence as the pleas of Mr Blair and Lord Goldsmith, the British Attorney General, for the release of the remaining British prisoners have

been spurned by the U.S. The tribunals, according to Lord Goldsmith and the lawyers representing the British detainees, will be a further infringement of human rights’ laws. The ‘back door’ trials are opened with the assumption that the defendant is guilty of the proposed charge. The accused is offered the representation of a US military official not a self appointed lawyer, with heresay and opinion allowed as evidence.

A spokeswoman from the Foreign Office has re-iterated demands for the return of the suspected British terrorists, as the US Military tribunals do not allow for a fair trial.

If the men are found to be ‘enemy combatants’ they could continue to be held without charge indefinitely.

Five British men were released in March from Guantanamo Bay and have since claimed they were tortured by the US military guards at the prison. Many accusations of abuse have surrounded the controversial Military base in Cuba since it became a make-shift prison in 2002.

Amid the media coverage of the British accused being held at Guantanamo, the ‘British Guantanamo’, Belmarsh Prison, has also been subject of media discussion this week. Nine foreign prisoners are being held without charge

PRISONERS: held without charge

under similar emergency anti-terror laws here in Britain.

Lord Goldsmith QC is calling for the home governments of the countries to accept the return of the nine suspected terrorists. Assurances are given from Lord Goldsmith that the prisoners will not return to a country where the individual may be at risk.

October 11 2004

Political Opinion

Page 7

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Class warfare over animal welfare James Emtage defends the wellbeing of the fox and asks why is it that the debate is marred with the issue of class

I

t is not often that I become so enraged by an article that I feel the need to stay in my room for a day to write a response.

However, last week I found myself doing just that.

As once again someone has voiced their prejudices on the English class system. And, once again, they have done so under the umbrella of fox hunting.

This blatant one-sided attack appears to overlook the issues of animal cruelty and instead focuses on the “elite, public school boy” image that has so often tarnished the perception of rural people. I’m afraid that this debate boils down to one thing: class warfare over animal welfare.

For any of those who have ever been hunting or seen the lives and livelihoods that revolve around hunting, then they’ll know that it is not simply a pastime of the ‘country’s upper classes’. It is a way of working the countryside in harmony with all that lives and dies within it.

To merely rage about how it is a sport for “wealthy, mindless hooligans” shows a complete lack of under-

“It’s like you’re

presuming they’re Lord and Lady fucking Emtage just because they go hunting.” standing of how anything to do with hunting, farming or countryside issues in general work. And it is this ignorance that causes people to argue about the more ‘humane’ ways to control the population of foxes.

Yes, there are tonnes of different methods of killing a fox, and having grown up on a farm, spending most of my childhood caring for all of our ani-

mals, I know about most of them.

Firstly, there are snares aka oversized mousetraps, yet 20 times more vicious. Their big teeth-like blades snap shut on the fox’s leg when he unexpectedly steps into it, causing him excruciating amounts of pain. The legal requirement for farmers to check these snares is once every 24 hours.

That’s potentially a whole day for the fox to spend in agony before being killed. Not very nice, is it?

But what is worse is that most of the time when checking these snares you don’t find a whole fox, but the remains of one, such as a leg. This is a result of the fox chewing his own body part off in order to escape the pain before limping off and bleeding to death, often a few yards away. Again, really not nice.

An alternative? Shooting.

To shoot a fox dead you need to shoot it in the head. Ever tried to shoot a fox in the head? Whilst moving?

Through the undergrowth of a forest?

It’s no easy feat, and nine times out of ten it results in the gunman getting a part of the fox’s body instead, such as its shoulder. This results in the fox once again limping back to its den whilst in incredible pain before slowly bleeding to death. Still not too nice.

The next option: poisoning and gassing. These can go in the same category because they do the same thing, and that is wipe out one hell of a lot of foxes, fast. Poison can be left out around the foxes’ dens, and are a tempting food to both old and young. It works by killing the fox in a similar way to how a human would die from food poisoning. Long, drawn out and painful. Not too pleasant then.

Gassing is much quicker as it gets straight in to the fox’s lungs. But in order to get enough gas into those lungs you need the foxes to be in a chamber, ie their dens. But what foxes live in the dens? All of them.

Gassing and poisoning wipe out all generations of foxes. It takes the young

HUNTING: Can it be reduced to a class issue? and the old, the fit and the sick. Now, I’m no biologist, but any old fool could tell you that that is going to be the fast track to extinction.

Now let’s sum up the death of a fox through hunting with dogs. The dogs catch the fox. The fox dies. Game over.

Ok, so you’ll argue that there is the chase. Yes there is, sometimes lasting up to 15 minutes. That’s minutes, not hours. This is the bit between the hounds having smelt out a scent of a fox, and having chased it quickly enough in order to catch it.

But they don’t always catch it. Often they aren’t quick enough. This is because hunting is all about the survival of the fittest. Its fundamental goals are to catch the old, the weak, the diseased, the injured. And once caught, the fox dies within seconds. Its levels of suffering are without comparison to those mentioned earlier.

So there are the welfare facts, and it

goes without saying that having witnessed all forms of fox culling, I without hesitation favour hunting. Do you think I want to see a fox suffer in the teeth of a snare? Or find a limb of a fox who was so frightened and in so much pain that they chose to chew their own leg or tail off? Or go about ruthlessly gassing young baby fox cubs while they sleep with their mother and father?

My own family’s whole existence revolves around the caring of a whole range of animals – don’t go calling us the cruel ones when the nation is eating battery reared chickens and industrially farmed pigs and beef.

Isn’t it ironic that this pro-hunting article appears to be entirely dedicated to the welfare of the fox?

Let’s turn then, to the issue that most people appear to have about hunting: class. Anti-hunting propaganda sells the ‘murderous sport’ as an extended playground for the elite sec-

tor of society, and last weeks article was no exception.

If anyone actually looked at the people that hold hunting and the countryside together, they would find a surprisingly diverse range of people.

Last month a supporting speech was given by a lovely 63-year-old nurse, resembling that of someone’s grandmother. And other talks have come from similar people: teachers; doctors; farmers; firemen; shopkeepers; saddlers; policemen; farriers; politicians; carpenters; servicemen; plumbers and electricians. Oh, and even bus drivers, cleaners and dustbin men. Now how upper class are that lot?

Learn the facts about hunting and decide for yourself if it really is the barbaric crime that it is portrayed to be. But don’t use hunting as a platform to air your personal prejudices on the upper classes of rural England. Keep two such separate arguments just that.

Separate.

Are rights protestors the real animals?

By Sarah Gregory

A

s animal rights activists target those who are associated with the testing of drugs on animals for medical research, can we condone their right to display their disgust at the practice?

The right to protest has long been a key part of British democracy and has served as an effective channel for the general public to get their feelings known to those in power. Protests have been held about practically every subject and there is probably one happening somewhere right now. People of every age, sex, race and ethnicity can protest about whatever they want but are the actions of the few damaging the chances of the many?

New laws have been introduced to try and stem the flow of harassment against those involved in animal test-

ing. People who have been targeted have complained of protests outside their homes day and night as well as abusive phone calls and hate letters.

These range from mild inconveniences through to terrifying intimidation.

The new laws state that the police will have their powers of arrest strengthened against activists who protest outside victims’ homes. The law on harassment will be toughened up to protect individuals who work for secondary companies who deal with research facilities.

Will the new law serve to protect those actually involved? It could be viewed as a reduction in our liberty.

But we must consider the liberty of those who have been subject to death threats, intimidation and vandalism.

Whose liberty should be protected first? The dissatisfied protestor or the frightened victim?

It is clear that action has to be taken

against these protesters as they are not only targeting those directly involved but any person or company that deals with organisations that carry out animal testing. Cleaning staff and catering employees have reported harassment by activists.

In one case a local pub has been threatened with arson and vandalism if they did not ban members of one family from drinking there. The landlord was told that his pub would be burnt down and acid poured over customers’ cars after he refused to bar the family.

The family in question run a guinea pig breeding farm in Staffordshire and have been targeted by animal rights’ activists for some time. An entire village has been subjected to vandalism and abuse from those wishing the farm to be closed.

Many have had bricks thrown through their windows and the local golf club had its greens dug up after

they refused to ban the family.

I took a look at the website which seems to be organising the campaign against the concerned family and their business. Its contents shocked me; in the latest news section there were reports of car paintwork being ruined and slogans such as "ALF Watching You" being sprayed onto walls and cars alike.

I was not surprised by the passion with which the site was composed; these people must be passionate in order to resort to such measures. But what frightened me was the fact that they have published the private phone numbers of those involved on the site and encourage you to call them to express your own feelings.

Surely the animal rights sector would gain more respect and credibility if they presented a legal and compelling argument against medical research using animals?

No matter what level of frustration they reach by being unable to get more restrictions placed upon medical research it doesn’t justify the level of disruption that some activists cause to people’s lives. Victims have been forced to move house and fear that their children and other relatives will be targeted in order to get to them.

These tactics do little to inspire any respect for their cause.

The right to protest is an essential tool in our society, as most students know, and we must be able to exercise that right. But nothing gives us the right to make victims of people whose only crime is to work, or be associated with those, in a legal profession.

Peaceful protest is a much more effective tool as the civil rights movement in the USA showed. Progress can be slow, and often frustrating, but expression without violence is always the better course of action.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 8

October 11 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd

FREE WORDS Make a difference By moving the National Demo to Cardiff, NUS are showing the Welsh Assembly that they mean business.

Top-up fees may have been given governmental approval in England, but that doesn’t mean the Welsh battle is lost. NUS can still make a difference for thousands of students and relocating the demonstration reaffirms their commitment to getting a better deal for all of their members.

If the Welsh Assembly bows to pressure and decides not to implement top-up fees, this will turn the spotlight firmly back onto Tony Blair and bring the issue to the fore again.

Changing the demo location is also a bold move insofar as it lays down a challenge to English Students’ Unions to see how much they really care about continuing the fight.

Every year Cardiff, Swansea, Aberystwyth, Bangor, Newport and Lampeter turn out in London to protest. Now is the time for our English counterparts to return the favour.

Similarly, this is a massive chance for students of Cardiff to make a real difference. There is no excuse for anybody at this university who cares about the future of higher education not to attend this march.

NUS have presented the student movement with a wonderful chance to make a difference. We should not waste it.

Love: A qualification for life

By Reverend Lorraine Cavanagh Anglican Chaplain

T

he newness of the academic year brings with it memories of other new beginnings – the look and feel of new classrooms, the smell and texture of new books or the worn look of old ones which have been thumbed and scored by pupils of previous years.

The early weeks of a university degree program have something of all this. There is excitement about the chosen field of study, seasoned with a degree of trepidation about the subject itself, as well as about the future and practicalities of life in Cardiff – the logistics of getting from A to B and of fitting in so much work and so many activities into what is, after all, only a relatively short period of time.

Taken together, all of these feelings can seem overwhelming at first. So it

helps to be clear about why we chose to come to university and why we elected to pursue a particular course of study.

The crunch question amounts to something like: ‘Am I doing this because I am intrigued or excited about the subject I’m studying?’ Or ‘Am I doing it because I need a solid qualification as an insurance policy for what are perhaps still hazy plans for the future?’

The best, and probably most common answer, combines both of these ways of thinking about higher education. It involves creative vision and practical good sense. In other words, if the qualification is to be of any practical use the process of getting it needs to have been a creative one. For this to be possible, the excitement of the first few weeks of working towards a degree will need to be continually reignited over the years by that indefinable spark of energy which is the

source of all creativity. In the Christian tradition this spark of creative energy is embodied in the One ‘through whom all things were made’ (to quote the Gospel of St. John).

Creativity in learning requires energy and love in equal measure. The one continually replenishes the resources of the other. The energy, which derives from wanting to make something new draws on love – the love of knowledge, leading to a love of understanding for its own sake. Understanding learned through the discipline of formal study is both enduring and resilient. It supplies the wherewithal to understand what makes others think and behave the way they do - in other words to love them and, in loving them, to contribute to the building of a more just and peaceful society. The creative and practical together form a single qualification for life.

In the months that lie ahead, when the going gets hard due to anxiety and ‘flu, or just the ups and downs of student life, the divine spark of creativity continues to re-create, or make new, the most routine analytical task or essay. To put it another way, in allowing love to resource the energy with which we undertake study, we tap into the divine creative process itself. This effects a kind of transformation both in terms of our own interest and energy levels (which are mysteriously replenished) and in the way we use our work to further enrich our time at university. This transformation means that what was once a barren utilitarian approach to higher education and, for that matter, to leisure and non-academic pursuits, becomes a search for wisdom, the only truly useful qualification for realising our full human potential and for dealing with life.

Student stereotypes: The fresher

I

t’s midday, and Tom has just woken up with the most almighty hangover of his life.

And judging by the moans and groans coming from the rest of his newly acquired flatmates, so has everyone else. The reason for this: it’s freshers’ week. And what better reason than that do you need to spend a week intoxicating yourself by night and recovering by day?

Tom is loving halls. His flat of eight boys has already gained the reputation of being the messy lads’ flat, and so

parties round his are on an almost daily basis. It took a while for everyone to get over the awkward conversation phase, and even longer to stop starting conversations with the dreaded ‘Fresher Five Questions’ (what’s your name, where d’you come from, what course are you doing, what a-levels did you do and did you do a gap year?), but thanks to a series of nights hosted by Solus and Creation, people are loosening up around one another.

However, some are a bit too loose; at the traffic light party last Tuesday

Tom pulled someone he thought was a random in order to win a £5 bet with his housemates. Turns out she lives over the corridor and is on the same course. The thought now of seeing her on a daily basis for the whole year is worrying Tom slightly, but providing great amusement for the rest of the flat. The regular calls from his mum are also proving to be quite embarrassing – why does she want to know whether or not he’s done any washing yet, and does she have to call when Neighbours is on?

Still, as the boys trudge round in the

remains of beer bottles and empty pizza boxes, trying to muster up a meal of super noodles and bacon for eight, he does find himself thinking about how he could murder a plate of his mum’s home-made shepherd’s pie.

It doesn’t last for long though – as the meal’s served up, the Stella tins are cracked open and the night ahead at Come Play becomes the focus of everyone’s attention. There are even suggestions of a drinking game or two to kick the evening off. Welcome to uni, Tom thinks. Could life be any sweeter?

up a conversation with someone, but I am not in the mood at this ungodly hour. A gap year of 1pm lie-ins is hard to shake off. I look at my watch again, only five minutes have passed; I feel as if I’m back in school hoping the teacher doesn't arrive. But no, I say to myself, I’m here because I want to be.

I want this degree. The disheveled man is back again, and he asks if there are any more misplaced students.

There are none. "Well," he says "good luck in the lecture," he turns on his heel and walks. There is a lot of laughter. These lecturers; always game for a bit of pseudo stand-up. Except he is not joking. He walks out the door and doesn't come back.

We wait longer. The conversation turns restless. Then a girl at the front walks out as well. She returns however and announces that the receptionist says that if no one turns up after ten minutes we can all go. There is a chorus of cheers. I sit in silence however, clutching my notebook. My first lecture of the year, it's 12pm on a Tuesday. Everyone seems to have made the effort to turn up, perhaps afraid of the consequences of getting strung up or thrown out if we skive. A hundred or so students managed to find their way to the lecture on time.

Where is the lecturer? Must have something more important to do. So I’m putting them in Room 101.

The right rebrand Student Council should be, in theory, one of the most vital tools in running this union and holding elected officers to account. Yet last year this was not always the case.

Meetings were sparsely attended, there was confusion over the dates and debates over over-ran dramatically as people argued in circles. To re-brand and re-sell this institution seemed like a huge task at the end of last year.

But Gary Rees and James Green should be feeling extremely proud at this point in time. By recruiting over 60 councillors they have managed to make student politics seem cool again.

Their work over the summer has resulted in the first step on the road to a much-needed re-vamp.

If the meetings turn out to be as successful as the recruitment drive, these two sabbaticals will have more than justified their election by the student body.

Dextrous Fletcher NUS President Kat Fletcher visited Cardiff last week and was complimentary towards the Union, while we were equally impressed with her.

Fletcher is without doubt the right person for the job, with plans to turn NUS on its head and make it more accessible for the students it represents.

Andrew Andersen’s

ROOM 101 Lectures. Big hall, lots of people, guy at the front talking about stuff for 50 minutes. Notes taken, people sat next to you met, sounds simple enough.

Why am I writing for this column then? Well, we're at the beginning of my first lecture of my chosen subject at midday. I had a heavy night before, but found it within myself to drag my torso out of bed before lunchtime for the walk to the lecture theatre. From the lack of chairs available, as I enter out of the freak downpour that came out of nowhere as I travelled from my halls, so has everyone else.

A rather scruffy man is standing waiting for everyone to settle down. I find a coy step to sit on, check in my

bag to see if its content has dissolved during the onslaught of rain, and wait.

There comes a call for anyone in this lecture theatre expecting a different subject and would they please follow the man with the Hovis to a different building as there has been a last minute change of room, by which I presume they mean last week as I sure knew about it. Three or four confused looking student-types get up and leave, but this does little to ease the seating arrangements. I'm beginning to dry out a bit. I look at my watch: it's been ten minutes since the lecture should have started.

There is a buzz of chatting in the air, I wonder whether I should strike

October 11 2004

Editorial & Opinion

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gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Journalism: not shite

Will Dean takes a break from TV desk to explain journalism is more than a degree I t suddenly hits me. People always told me the how not to get a job in the media. To have the tenacity to actually study the media, I figured they were just scaremongering.

We are sitting in the boardroom of the Daily Telegraph at one of those lovely student press days. A reel of directors, designers and reporters have been giving us all handy tips as to how to break our way into journalism.

Either that or, as one of them put it, they were "looking for new talent… so they could snuff it out".

I realised that not one of them had gone to university with the intention of becoming journalists; it just sort of happened by chance, a lucky break, friend of a friend and whatnot. Some of the most powerful journalists in the country got involved just by moving to London and meeting the right people.

So where does that leave those of us who have been studying media for the last five years? As well as Media Alevel I also did History and Politics, two subjects that err on the side of

“Why would employers take a law grad over a journalist?” difficulty. However, I found Media to be the hardest of the three by far.

Wasn’t this supposed to be the easy subject, the Mickey Mouse course, the reason for spiralling top grade Alevels?

Am I wasting my time studying media? I thought that was the whole point of a journalism degree. Why didn’t I do History, or Politics? Then I’d surely be guaranteed a column in The Independent. Is my degree even

going to be worth the breath I say it with? Let alone the paper it is printed on.

Of course it is.

At Cardiff we are lucky enough to have one of the best journalism schools in the country, featuring an array of talented lecturers from all over the planet. But the scare remains.

I know how good my course is, but will that make any difference to Canary Wharf recruiting managers?

Mickey Mouse, is that what they really think?

Two of my friends do some kind of business course. You know the kind the one where you learn how to do business stuff and then get a lucrative job doing business. Which makes sense aplenty. They are always complaining about the amount of lectures and seminars they have to go to, whereas in my silly little degree we stroll in about once a fortnight, watch an episode of Eastenders, go home and think about it, and that’s about it.

On the contrary, the Journalism

degree is not only extremely relevant, but also challenging and, I imagine, unlike many business courses, entertaining. But that’s not the point.

Pretty much everyone who attained the grades for Journalism, Film and Broadcasting (Currently ABB) could have feasibly done any number of ‘proper’ courses such as Law, Economics and English.

So why is it that we are told employers would take, say, a law graduate over one from journalism?

The justification behind this must be credibility. How could anyone who has taken the ‘easy’ way out, and studied in-depth the theorem and workings behind the huge industry they want to become involved with, have the ability to compete with someone who has studied the works of Shakespeare, or are familiar with Torts, or can briefly explain the significance of American gubernatorial elections?

Thankfully, here at Cardiff, we are given the opportunity to take other subjects at degree level in the first

Pleidiol wyf i’m gwlad

By James Anthony Quench Editor A prestigious Eurocrat document, The Eurostat Statistical Compendium, has failed to include Wales. This is not simply a case of border error, whereby Wales has been soaked up by England, giving it a few more people and sheep.

It has gone. Nothing there; nada; zip.

England has been given a Jenny Craig, and Wales has disappeared into the Irish Sea. Obvious jokes aside, this grave error raises some interesting side discussions.

I often have heated (admittedly drunken) debates with people who are surprised that, as a Welshman residing in my own country, with a Welsh

ancestry that can be traced back to its original Celtic peoples, I cannot speak the language of my forefathers. I explain that as children, my grandparents were harshly punished at all levels of education for speaking Welsh.The usual penalty was a beating, followed by a plank of wood hung about the neck with rope. The child would wear this for the whole school day, and they would be prevented from communicating with other kids for that day. This treatment began at primary school level, sometimes earlier.

Negative reinforcement resulted in my grandparents bringing up their children as English-speaking, and my parents repeated the pattern. School didn’t help; although I learned a limited amount in both primary and sec-

ondary school, Welsh was not compulsory for GCSE. The Welsh Assembly has since reversed this policy.

Wales’ First Minister, Rhodri Morgan, has not taken Wales’ omission as seriously as many had wished.

There is a tendency for the Welsh to be the butt of English jokes, in a mainly good-natured rivalry, which continues to this day: a leftover of the English occupation of Wales. For example, the English built most of our pretty castles for the sole purpose of subduing the Welsh people by killing them.

This friction often raises its head in the public sphere – notably, the confused rantings of Anne “I swear I’ve had no plastic surgery” Robinson. The majority of the English media laughed

year. Of course, this will help students taking the course, but employers won’t know this. What good is it knowing as much as there is to know about Plato, Aristotle, Locke and Hobbes when all your potential employer can do is scoff at your 2:1?

The point that I am trying to make here is NOT that doing the superb journalism degree here will prevent you from getting that job on Newsnight (surely as media degrees become more prevalent, it should have the opposite effect) but as competition for jobs in the media is so intense, it is going to take a lot more effort than steamrollering your degree and polishing your academic awards.

Martin Newland, the Telegraph editor, told me that anyone could write in a newspaper. He has a point.

Everyone who worked hard enough at school to get to this university has to be good enough at writing to put an article together. What you do need, that neither the best university nor school can teach you, is experience.

Not just work experience. You all know about that. Life experience.

Newland stressed the importance of reading, reading and reading; improve your understanding. You need to know what is going on in the world, not just in your little cushy student bubble.

Read books, read the papers (and not just The Guardian), watch films, volunteer, play sports, meet new people, get involved with things. Don’t just plan your life around going to Creation on Mondays in time to recover for Rubber Duck on Wednesdays.

I guess the point of all of this is simple. One of my old teachers told me the first thing I needed to do if I wanted to get a job as a journalist was to head straight up to the student paper and offer my services. I was eventually dragged up into the gair ryhdd office

by a friend and gradually got my size nines in the door, blagging some articles to write, some CDs to review, some new friends and some superb experience.

I never thought I had it in me to write for a newspaper (some would stay I still haven’t) but how do you know if you don’t try? You don’t have to work at the newspaper. Check out Xpress Radio and their state of the art studio facilities. Join the Film Society,

“Don’t just plan your life around Creation on Mondays” whatever, do anything, but do something. Get involved, because apathy isn’t going to get anyone anywhere. Except maybe Homer Simpson.

Even if there wasn’t an employment bias against media based subjects, having a nice shiny first class degree and knowledge of the media from the Bolton Evening News to News International shouldn’t be enough to get you a job anyway. Doing your degree and working for student media should just be the first steps in your media (and life) education.

As for me, I long gave up dreams of being a stadium-filling guitarist, and even longer those of starring up-front for Manchester City. I guess I’ll have to wait and see about working as a professional journalist. If all else fails, I can always go and sweep the floors at the company of one of my business school pals.

Not worth the paper it’s written on?

Isn’t that The Sun?

While the EU misses it completely, gair rhydd’s second in command takes a look at issues closer to home, in... Now, where was it again? this off. I wonder if the same would have been the case if she had said “What are Jewish people for?” Or, more prosaically, the Irish? Many people forget the turbulent history of the English and the Welsh. One basic fact of which was the attempt by the English to systematically destroy the Welsh culture, language and people.

I am not seeking apologies, or an admission of guilt. But perhaps people today too easily forget their own history. The Welsh are a fiercely proud people, with a strong sense of national identity. Familiarity, it is said, breeds contempt, but if the historical reasons behind the antagonism between the English and Welsh were brought to the fore a little more often, there may be less friction between

them. There are idiots living everywhere, and I’m sure that there are some Welsh people who are equally acerbic to the English living here.

Often, we’re just as bad as each other.

However, putting this down to racism on the part of one side or another smacks of oversimplification.

People have an innate tendency to fail to get on, and this hostility replicates itself. The English and Welsh don’t get on, the South and the North of Wales resent each other, and people from Newport will pick fights with people from Cardiff and so an ad infinitum.

There is nothing wrong with being fiercely proud of your country’s national identity, as long as you do not begrudge any other person that right.

Or, in the EU’s case, any other country.

Letters

October 11 2004

Page 11

grletters@cf.ac.uk

One man’s Legend is another’s Tosser...

Dear gair rhydd, While his football record speaks for itself, I'm writing to express my distaste at Brian Clough being awarded the ‘Legend’ tag in last weeks One Trick Pony. Yes, his abilities may rank him among the greats, but his personality and respect for people is on a parallel with that of Osama Bin Laden.

Any man who, five years after the tragedy of the Hillsborough football accident, in which both sets of fans were omitted of any blame, uses lies and sick opinions to sell autobiographies should not be ranked as a legend. Mr Clough's opinions on how 'drunk' Liverpool fans were not only responsible, but further "killed themselves", are neither wanted, nor acceptable. His increased stubborness in refusing to retract such comments shall forever hang over people’s opinions of Mr Clough on Merseyside.

Legend in one respect, tosser in another. I, for one, will not miss such disgusting views.

A very annoyed Quench music editor.

Geordie Chris says: What you refer to as Clough’s “lack of respect for people”, I consider to be a refusal to take shit from them, and a strength of character required in any management position to succeed, sadly lacking in many of the game’s top managers today - viz Eriksson, et al. One ought to remember that a certain Winston Churchill was also reputed to be a thouourghly disagreeable chap, yet it was precisely his stubborness and other qualities shared with

Clough that aided victory over Zie Germans, and his place as a ‘Legend’, although nothing next to Clough. If you wish to dispute this further, come up to the GR office, we can talk it over for twenty minutes and eventually decide I was right.

Calm down dear! It’s only satire Dear gair rhydd, Oh Mr Chuffy, how tasteless can you get? I opened up my copy of Quench this morning whilst having breakfast to find an article with a picture of a hedgehog. 'Rohipknob,' I said to myself, 'must be another typo, I guess this is about date rape in Cardiff.'

Alas, this was not the case. The article was not about the date rape drug Rohypnol (or flunitrazepam if you want to look it up). In fact, it was a parody of the drug concerning its use as a means of debating. I don't know about anyone else, but I believe that if there's one thing in the world people should not mock, it's rape. I believe rape is even more heinous than murder. When you're dead you don't have to live the rest of your life with psychological trauma. I doubt any unfortunate victims gave a wry smile if they were to have read this article.

To say I was shocked is an understatement! To belittle such a serious issue by making a mockery of this infamous drug is bad taste and mindless. The article wasn't even funny! (and I normally appreciate GR's humour). We are in Cardiff of all places, a date rape hotspot, well documented in the media. I guess that just means you'll have a greater chance of having readers who can relate to the article...

If the subject of date rape is to be tackled at all, at least let it be done positively. A page of contact numbers, advice or meeting groups would have been far more constructive than a page of that drivel. The article on the anti-spiking stopper for drinks was a step in the right direction.

If I am overreacting, please say so. If the article was intended as some vague poke at the sensationalisation by the media, then I apologise. Perhaps it was to highlight the dangers of Rohypnol with a misspelling and an alteration of 'rape' to 'debate' as to not offend, but still educate. If this is the case then I shall go to amazon.co.uk to search for Mr Chuffy's next Ladybird book on 'Amateur Photography - Stalking for Dummies'.

Until then I await the next Quench when I can read about domestic violence as a competitive sport.

Disgruntled 2nd Year Medic.

You’re overreacting.

Dr. Matthew and Phil.

The truth is revealed Dear gair rhydd, In correspondence to the zany, and probably quirky, random and dynamic force that suggested - nay implied a strong love for Phil Collins on my behalf: Yes, I do. Now not being one to use the term "love" quite so willy-nilly, I'd better justify this. You see, when you're as bald and sexy as Phil is, especially at his ripe old age, and you've got a back catalogue of perhaps some of the finest synth music/snare-drumbeing-played down-a-lift-shaft (see: In The Air Tonight, Sussudio) as well as being part of arguably the

letter of the week Political apathy doesn’t just apply to students Dear gair rhydd, I’d just like to make a point about the editorial in the last edition regarding voting. It’s a forlorn hope, so don’t bother. Let me explain, Parliamentary Democracy is like the public library system, we know it exists, some of us even have a vague idea of how its works, but no one really expresses an interest in it until it’s gone and then we’d all be on the war path, and rightly so.

Voter apathy isn’t a solely student phenomenon either, the latest bi-election (Hartlepool) witnessed a voter turnout of a piffling 40%, so students obviously aren’t the only ones who couldn’t care less, it seems to be pretty much everyone.

So what’s the root cause of this voter apathy, it’s rather simple really, it’s not because we don’t care, or because we’re lazy, it’s because that

we all know that, in this current Parliament, our vote counts for nothing, it will have absolutely zero effect whatsoever. Consider that Parliamentary elections are basically a vote for the front bench and leader, we don’t care for backbenchers and, to be honest, why should we? So, in the next general election we’ll have the choice of keeping our current PM for a third turn or electing Mr Howard and seeing a return of the Conservatives to Government.

The policies of both are remarkably similar, the only difference being is that the Tories are more Europhobe and say they’ll lower taxes, I’ll take their word on the former, but certainly not the latter.

So regardless of whether Labour get an unprecedented third term or if the Conservatives are returned to Government, it matters not, it really won’t change anything. Now I’m sure you’ll suggest that the Liberal Democrats are the students’ party of choice and deserve a chance in office, but that’s just plain crazy talk. You’ll have more chance of getting students to vote in Union

elections!

So let’s move on to the second point, ie why us students are so important. We’re simply not. Not at all. The Government can do what the hell it likes because we’re not a cohesive group or class. Firstly we’re only students for a few years and after that we care not what policies the Government proposes for universities because they then won’t effect us and, second, most students simply don’t care or are too drunk to realise what’s happening anyway. So in the Governments’ eyes we’re not really important at all, noisy and occasionally annoying, yes, just not important. I’ve got no problem with that. Neither should anyone else if they want to live in the real world.

So to those of you who decide to vote when the time comes just remember that there’s little point, regardless of whether it’s a Labour or Tory government next Parliament nothing will really change. Isn’t Democracy wonderful?

Mark, Third Year History

The gair rhydd letters page Lovely job this week everyone. A great big slap on the back to everyone who took their finger out their arse for long enough to send us a little letter. It’s lovely to hear from you all. Really, it is. We like hearing what you’ve got to say, and so do lots of other people.

People actually read these letters you know? Some people even reply to them and sometimes people even do something about your complaints. Letters Desk is a nice place to be when that happens.

Perri finest progressive rock music to come out of England (yes, he did play drums with Brian May for the Queen, but obviously he had to dumb it all down so the others could cope - Pink Floyd? Shut up) it becomes quite hard NOT to love the chap (for drumming reference see In The Cage/The Cinema Show/The Battle of Epping Forest - and that’s Genesis, philistine). Phil occasionally takes a battering from all sides.

This is understandable, as at times, he can let his guard down and do something remarkably silly, like allegedly dumping his wife by fax (hehe). I don't believe it mind, because above all else he is a gentle, kind and misunderstood fellow, exemplified in his song "Misunderstanding", which has a line that goes "There must be some misunderstanding/there must be some kiiiind of mistake". Honesty prevails you see - his creativity knows no boundaries. He can't dance either, but at least he's pissing honest about it.

And you know, I love his face. And the way he played TWO live-aid concerts in one day.

Yours Sincerely, Dr. Matthew COLLINS: loved by all, but some love him more than others

text

Please email your letters to

grletters@cf.ac.uk Please please please please send your letters as attachments, not in the main body of your e-mail. Do the latter and parts of them get lost somewhere in the mass of nothingness that is the world wide web

corrections and clarifications The article acredited to Janine Donacaster in issue 769 of the gair rhydd was written by Sophie Robehmed.

prizes

As always, Letters Desk have tried their best to find a prize relative to all the hard work the letter of the week writer puts in.

This week they will be happy to find a pair of tickets to a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

07791165837

does anyone else think that dr james thomas is quite sexy in a mole-like way? please text your responses. hey maybe we could start up a fanclub? go james!

i got the hots for a little welsh girl but she don’t want english man i like the super mario bros theme tune

whats the adjective/ plural of puss (as in disgusting white-head?) Pussy or pusey?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the longest ah in text

to the fat ginger twatman at ifor bach: it’s inconsiderate to leave your house. stop touching us

singular of scampi is scampo. fact. i read it in trivial pursuit. janine (exletters editor)

Jobs & Money

Page 12

October 11 2004

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

Time for plan B?

All the fun of the (careers) Fair...

By Carly O’Donnell

Jobs & Money Editor

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.

Sam Ewing

SAFEGUARD YOUR FUTURE: Might be a good idea to start saving the pennies now in case the loan doesn’t arrive next term.

who each affected student is. We have written individually to all those concerned so they will know before registering that they are to receive an interim payment".

Postcards from the Real World

yd d

to cover these expenses students are left to rely on generous family members and large overdrafts”

of the country may not have been so lucky and the LEAs may struggle to meet these extra costs.

Changes to government administration have hit students with an almost monotonous regularity; this is not the first time the Student Loan Company has failed been criticised for a slow, inefficient service.

Earlier this year there were serious problems with new computer software introduced by the SLC and DFES to streamline loan applications. Bugs in the system left it straining to process forms and resulted in a procedure that should have taken three weeks dragging to seven weeks or more.

It seems all students can do is cross their fingers and hope that the plan B, aka ‘interim payments’ does not become a regular feature at the start of term. For these students, however, one small comfort is that they will be graduating before top-up fees become law.

h

“Without a loan

Students not receiving their loan on time can take comfort from the knowledge that there is a contingency plan in place in the form of an ‘interim payment’.

Any affected student will receive £1000 or one third of their loan (which ever is lower) to ensure they can carry on studying until their loan is processed.

The interim payments should be made a few days after enrolment and the remainder of their student loan should follow two or three weeks later.

However this hasty plan B has never been attempted before and it is too early to tell whether the payment will be adequate.

While it may seem like a potential crisis has been averted the fact that the affected LEAs remain secret raises other issues.

Some universities will be hit harder than others due to their catchment area. While this has not been the case in Cardiff other areas

r

However, anyone who needs help is asked to contact the Student Support Centre on 029 2087 6009" The DFES have reassured students that it is not a national problem and has only affected a handful of LEAs: "We have precise knowledge of

pleting a University two years ago after com Hello, I graduated from Cardiff degree.

Journalism, Film and Broadcastingst when I left university but I had no idea how I nali jour a be to ted wan k experience as I should I knew I I hadn’t really gathered as much wor was going to get my first opportunity.interviews never mind a job. have and found it a struggle to getget a place on a journalism postgraduate I realised to get anyAfter attempting, and failing, to k experience. tedious and I felt quite where I was going to need more wor s a week at the Western Mail. It was I took a bar job and worked two dayjournalism yet I was doing work experience with people still in silly that I had finished a degree with a local newsstudying for A levels! and I was offered a job as a traineed when I began my off paid k wor hard the ths mon imagine After a few glamorous Fleet Street job I had paper in Bridgend. It’s not quite theladder. degree but it’s my first step on theI’ll be able to move into an area of journalism that interests me journalism after all my Hopefully when I finish training good to know I have made in intoget as much work expely real s feel it ent mom the at to more but wanting to become a journalist is years of trying. My advice to anyone rience as possible... you’ll need it! ir

THE JOB FILE...

For those of you graduating this year it can be a daunting time. So far it may have felt like university would last forever.

Now lectures have begun, you’ve experienced your last Fresher’s week the light at the end of the academic tunnel is starting to shine brighter than ever before. It’s time to start thinking about the big, bad world of getting a job and there’s no better place to start than at a careers fair so we have very kindly compiled a list of the biggest and best across the country this month to get you started.

ga

SEVERAL CARDIFF students have been left without loan cheques this week due to a blunder by the Student Loan Company and their local education authority.

Following on from previous admin problems it raises serious questions about the efficiency of the student finance system.

It is thought as many as 25,000 students nationwide have been affected by the delays and will be left financially desolate until contingency plans are put into action.

In spite of bold reassurances made by the Department for Education and Skills and the SLC in September – "our expectation remains that all students who have applied correctly and on time will be paid on time" students left without loans will be facing financial problems.

The beginning of term arrives with the burden of tuition fees, rent and course supplies. Without a loan to cover these expenses students are left to rely on generous family members and large overdrafts.

Commenting on the situation, NUS President Kat Fletcher said: "Once again this is an example of how students from a less privileged background could be left compromised if they have no one to bail them out financially.

"Situations such as this serve to highlight the potential problems that exist within the current financial packages available to students".

Fortunately the problem has not hit Cardiff as hard as other areas of the country, a university spokesperson confirmed earlier this week: "There have been only a few students affected by the late arrival of loan cheques at Cardiff University. This may be because the problem mainly affects students who have come through clearing.

Wish you were here?

Rupert Davies

WHEN?12th October: Liverpool Graduate Careers Fair WHERE?St. George’s Hall (opposite Lime Street Station), The university of Liverpool.

WHERE CAN I FIND OUT MORE INFO? www.liverpoolfairs.org.uk/ WHEN? 12th-13th October: General Careers Fair WHERE? The University of Warwick, Coventry.

WHERE CAN I FIND OUT MORE INFO? www.warwick.ac.uk/careers/ WHEN? 12th October: AIESEC London Careers Fair WHERE? 61-65 Great Queen Street, London WHERE CAN I FIND OUT MORE INFO? www.careersfairs.org WHEN? 13th October: University of Bristol WHERE? Queen’s Road, Clifton WHERE CAN I FIND OUT MORE INFO? www.bris.ac.uk/cas/whatson/rec WHEN? 14th October: Jobfest 2004 WHERE? St Jame’s Park, University of Newcastle upon Tyne WHERE CAN I FIND OUT MORE INFO? www.standrews.ac.uk/careers/future_eve nts/fairs.shtml WHEN? 18th October: UCL, IT, Science and Engineering fair WHERE? The cloisters UCL, London WHERE CAN I FIND OUT MORE INFO? www.ucl.ac.uk/careers/ WHEN? 20th October: Engineering, Science and IT fair WHERE? University of Bristol WHERE CAN I FIND OUT MORE INFO? www.bris.ac.uk/cas/whatson/rec WHEN? 25th October: UCLS Graduate select careers fair – Finance, Consultancy and IT WHERE? The Gallery Hall, Business Design Centre, Islington, London.

WHERE CAN I GET MORE INFO?www.careers.ion.ac.uk/gsf

For more information on graduate and career fairs visit www.careersfairs.org or pay a visit to the careers centre.

Jobs & Money

October 11 2004

Page 13

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

Is your student loan enough?

More students than ever before are taking on part time jobs to boost their income while studying. Are they just greedy, money loving workaholics or do we need extra cash to student life?

Charlotte Harries and Lisa Roberts ask Cardiff students how they manage to balance a job with their degree.

Hannah Beck

City and Regional Planning 3rd Yr Works in UGC 15hrs a week "I have more of a social life as I go out with my work friends too. I couldn’t survive without a job. The student loan isn’t enough!"

Mechanical Engineering 2nd Yr Works in Teranova, Cardiff Bay 18hrs a week "It doesn’t cut into my studies and only a little bit into my social life.

My student loan doesn’t cover everything. It’s nice to have some extra money in my pocket."

Bethany Annear

"I need the money. If I can’t manage with my studies I’ll just try and drop some hours."

"I wouldn’t have a part-time job.

I don’t get enough time. I’m ok with money at the moment. I have a lot of support off my parents"

Rachel Muscat

Sadie Lofthouse

"I definitely wouldn’t survive without a job. It doesn’t interfere with study; it gives me a chance to socialise outside uni, and gain some work experience at the same time."

"I have two days off completely from my course so I’ll use them for day shifts. My job is very flexible. I need some extra cash as well as my student loan, especially if I want to have a laugh."

Sociology and Education, 3rd Yr Works in Car Craft, Newport 10hrs a week

Swydd/Job:

Telephone Interviewer

Swydd/Job:

Hosts and hostesses

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5.15/hr Evening and Saturday shifts Ongoing An independent research and marketing company require telephone interviewers with excellent telephone manner, excellent written and spoken English to conduct interviews over the phone with the General Public * No Selling involved.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

006

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

013

Swydd/Job:

Bar and food service staff

Swydd/Job:

Mailroom Assistant

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £4.85 per hour 1 wknd shift + 2 or 3 week evenings Ongoing Bar in Cardiff Bay is looking for bar and food service staff, you must be presentable, numerate, personable, honest and reliable.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £4.85 per hour Various shifts Ongoing Market research, database management and mailing house requires mailroom assistants for various packing and lifting of brochures, bags etc. You must be reliable, dextrous, honest and hard working.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

009 Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

010

Cardiff £5.50 plus Varied, including evenings and wknds Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Major events stadium are seeking hosts and hostesses to work with blue chip clients on event days. You will be looking after our guests, assisting them with their general enquiries and ensuring the smooth running of the corporate hospitality areas.

Tom Grigson

Greg Bird

History 2nd Yr Works in Tesco Express, Whitchurch 16 hrs a week

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students Union.

Medicine 1st Yr Doesn’t work

Language and Communication 1st Yr Works in Pizza Hut 14hrs a week

If you have a weird or wonderful way of saving money email us at:

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us.To register please bring your student card, and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 07973 571141 for more information.

Listings

October 11 2004

Page 14

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Multimedia Mash-Up gair rhydd listings has been struck down with the righteousness of the common cold, forcing us to call in some freelance assistance to lighten the load. So we gotta give some props, as they say, and a tablespoon of nuff respek, not to mention a smidgen of love (careful!) to that man they call David Winks, aka Colombo.The next person to sneeze their cold onto listings personnel shall be beaten ferociously for sure. Oh, and check out the selection...

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Jacuzzi Junta

@Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton Friday 15th October, 9pm

acuzzi Junta is set to make an acclaimed return to Chapter Arts Centre this Friday - during the Centre’s Experimentica 04 programme - having enjoyed a summer recess concurrent to that of Westminster.

Fortunately, comparisons with British Parliament end there as this highly-regarded shindig always fulfils its promise of democracy. How? Read on.

Have you been at a club, and begun to wish that the DJ would give way to a stand-up comic? Or been to see a band play and wondered what effect it would have if they cut to

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silence and began an improvised mime instead.

This is just the type of multimedia mash-up method utilised by Jacuzzi Junta; a free-wheeling trip through a variety of artists and performers.

‘Yeah, seen it before mate!’ I hear you cry. Not on rotation every fifteen minutes you haven’t.

And that’s the beauty of this night. With a roll-call of Cardiff’s finest underground artists vying for their share of the audience’s acclaim, you don’t have the opportunity to become bored.

Details of Friday’s line-up are sketchy but rumours abound of

Art for Youth Cymru @City Hall

11th/12th/13th October

outh Cymru is a National Youth Organisation in Wales for young people between the ages of 11 and 25. Previously known as The Welsh Association of Youth Clubs it has been running now for over 60 years and is a registered charity.

The Art for Youth Cymru event will see 1500 pieces of art from artists across Wales displayed for sale in the large Assembly Room in the City Hall in Cardiff’s civic centre. The organisers have invited artists of all ages to display their work and ask for 40% of sales money as a charitable donation.

Art For Youth Cymru will be the first and largest event of its kind

in Wales and the hope is that this year’s event will experience a level of success that will allow it to carry on and become an annual event in Cardiff’s Arts Calendar.

This year it takes place on the 11th, 12th and 13th of October.

This is an art exhibition with a difference. Not only will Art For Youth Cymru showcase the work of a large number of Welsh artists it will also help bring about an improvement in the lives of the most disadvantaged young people in Wales.

Those of us currently benefitting from university education would do well to remember that countless other young people do not share our good fortune.

freestyle poetics alongside avanteelectronic hustlings. Whoever appears, unpredictability is key.

In a lesser venue, this could well spill into a confusion not seen since Orson Welles’s extra-terrestrial alerts. Set in the relaxed atmosphere of Chapter Arts Centre however, the Junta cannot fail to stimulate certain feelings so often missing after a night out.

For voyeurs and thinkers there’s a full roster of creative activity; for talkers there’s space to commune; and for drinkers a bar stocking every beer made in Europe (well, almost). Get there.

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B

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Soul Motion presents...

Secondson @Moloko Tuesday 12th Oct 7-2am. free entry

ne of the most exciting producers in Cardiff at the moment, Secondson, is to step out f r o m behind the drum machine and position hims e l f behind the decks for a onen i g h t ‘Twenty Grand Funk Heist’ special (ably supported

by DJ Moneyshot).

Having risen to the attention of hip-hop affiendos nationwide following the release of a string of killer twelves, Secondson has worked with some of the UK’s leading MCs, including Lewis Parker, Blade and Jehst. His productions are characteristically stark and tough, drawing from an extensive record collection. This will be shared liberally with the dancers at Moloko on Tuesday, when he’ll be putting out a strictly ‘45s only’ set.

Expect notebooks around the

Save The Green Planet! @UGC Cinema Various times

izarre film alert! This Korean film follows ByeongGu Lee, as he kidnaps a pharmaceuticals bigwig with the intention of proving he's an alien from Andromeda and in order to extract information that’ll allow him to save the earth.

A film that runs through various genres - Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, Detective – and that utilises flashbacks, animation and fantasy sequences, Save The Green Planet! is not easy to categorise.

Our (anti-)hero is a drugged-up murderer with a penchant for ultra-violent torture. The victim of said torture, himself a symbol of capitalist and establisment cruelty is, it would seem, also a mad bastard. He even abuses his torturer

with such fabulous lines as: "You can't win. You know why?

I've never lost to useless fucks like you."

Said to be “wellmade, impressively acted and riddled with violent slapstick”, this has to be one of the most intriguing films of the year.

Save The Green Planet! was released on the 8th October and is showing throughout the week at various times at UGC. Consult their box office on 0871 200 2000 for times of screenings.

booth, as rarities and classics are pulled from deep within the record bag. This is set to be a cratedigger’s selection, the flyer stipulating that no reissues are to be spun.

F u n k will be the predominant sound, but don’t be surprised to hear the odd soul track or maybe a reggae cut.

For those that don’t know, Soul Motion is an established night, which regularly draws in the midweek crowd who get down to breaks, Motown and a slice or two of jazz. For the uninitiated, Moloko is worth making the trip.

Large enough to generate considerable atmosphere, Moloko also maintains a relaxed vibe throughout its three floors. Also, if you make it down, be sure to check for the heaviest dancers in Cardiff.

Listings

October 11 2004

Page 15

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton.

If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. That’s print media, baby - unreliable.

Monday11/10

Tuesday12/10

Wednesday13/10

Thursday14/10

Friday15/10

Saturday16/10

Sunday17/10

CinemaWeek

Student Council Introductory Meeting @Aneurin Bevan Room, 4th Floor, SU 6.30pm. An opportunity to get involved in making policy desicions for the Union and to represent your fellow students. Can prove hugely rewarding and valuable as a means of coming to understand the workings of a complex organisation such as our Students’ Union. It also ensures that proper democratic proceedure can take place within the Union.

Fun Factory @Solus It’s a factory that makes fun. Rock Idol in back room. Free entry with NUS, £3 without.

Beach Party @Seren Las 8.30pm-1am £2 adv, £3 on the door. Mysterious. I know there’s no beach in Seren Las so this is presumably an excuse to get lots of scantily clad people into one room. Which is cool.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge New night (at least it was when they last emailed me. It must be a maturing night at least by now,) of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter.

7pm-11pm, £1 (NUS).

TV is boring @Moloko Live Music, Art, DJs and Film spread over 3 floors. Multimedia events are the way forward. No doubt about it. Gotta be worth a look. Free entry. 6pm-2am.

New Noise @Metros "Alternative therapy for the musically depressed". New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendry, and almost mythical, double + mixer for 80p. But beware, the famed metros’ double has but a transient glory- 90p between 10 and 11 and a shocking £1 between 11 and 12. £3 before 11. 9-2am.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing/singing but invariably enjoyable.

Best to get there early if you want to perform.

8.45pm £2.

Lashtastic Presents Xpress’ Launch Party @Solus Come and celebrate the magnificence of our fellow union media folk, the fine people at Xpress Radio. All hail Mr Wellingham 9-2am.

Chaos @Metros ‘With anthems to raise the most ghoulish spirits from out of their pits and into the realm of the living.’ Er... why would this entice anybody to come? It makes no sense. 9-3am. £2.50 b4 10.

Full Fat @Moloko Funk,Hip-hop, Breakbeats, Motown, Retro Disco plus Electro Boogie & retro vids & visuals. Free entry B4 11pm. Open til 2am.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10pm, £3.50 MTV2 Gonzo On Tour presents @Barfly Thirteen Senses, My Red Cell,Kaiser Chiefs. 7.30pm £10.00 adv Smokey Smothers and the Mellow Fields @Cafe Jazz Blues band that are probably far better than their name would suggest. Presented by Bluesdragon. 10pm start £3.

Funktuate @The Toucan New night of Live Funky techno and ambience, featuring the much celebrated DJ Rolando and Garden of Edam DJs plus Joey Dubs, Kris Jenkins, Ill Combination and Bad Francisco. Yet another example of the word ‘funk’ being used purely to attract custom. ‘Funky’ ambience? I think not. £10 on the door.

Sabina Turvey @Riverbank Hotel Modern jazz classics played by one of the most interesting young pianists on the local jazz scene. With able support. 9pm £4/£3 HIM @Great Hall Yet more live music from the Union. They spoil us and no mistake.

This time we have so-called ‘love metal’ from Finnish band, HIM. Not my thing but they’ve sold over 4 million albums round Europe so someone digs them.

MAD4IT! @Barfly Club night

Comedy Club @Seren Las Rob Deering and Dan Nightingale. Never heard of these guys but one would imagine they’re funny.

Why not go along and report back. 8-11pm £4 Secondson @Moloko ‘20 Grand Funk Heist’ Bar open till 2am,Cocktails £2.95, shots from £1. Free entry 8pm-2am(see facing page for more details).

Acoustic Open Mic Session @The Toucan Sessions brought to you by ‘Circular Music’ fresh from Camden Town. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach 36 Crazyfists, Eighteen Visions, Bullet For My Valentine.

8pm £9.

The Memphis Seven @Cafe Jazz Popular trad jazz band with new CD to flog. 8.45pm start £3.50/£3 Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50 Sabotage @ Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo £1 entry before 11. A sweaty dive of a club, Metros nevertheless retains its popularity amongst the darkly clad youngsters of Cardiff and other ne’er-do-wells, and with good reason - it’s cheap.

Dan Haines and The Noise Ensemble @The Quarter, Dempseys A night that delves into avant garde shenanigans, progressive electronic sounds and more adventurous music. Something for the intelligent music lover.

Live @Barfly Seafood, Degrass. 7.30pm £6 adv.

Come Play @Solus Not a great deal of point trying to sell this or ward people off, it sells out every week regardless. 9-2am £3.50 adv.

Duck N’ Dive @MedBar Nope, not a clue.

Sounds like a crash course in urban skullduggery, which would be good for the price. 712pm free entry.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm.

Saturday @Inncognito Swiss + pals from the house circuit of wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, escape. til 2am Live @Barfly David Devant & His Spirit Wife, Curerbell, The Magic. Check out The Magic: Quality. 7.30pm £6 adv.

Delinquent @Metros The Mothership Convention @The Toucan presenting the latest incarnation of the Toucan’s own Latino/Funk ensemble Sol Latino featuring Achille Mondo and Aaron Ahmun. £6/£5 10pm ‘til 2am.

John Mayall, The Bluesbreakers, Chickenshack with Stan Webb and special guest Mick Taylor @St Davids Hall These British blues legends join forces on a musical bill that promises blues at its finest. £18.50, £20.50, £22.50 BBC National Orchestra of Wales @St Davids Hall Free chamber music. Level 3 Players from the BBC National Orchestra of Wales bring an exciting and varied programme of chamber music to the Level 3 bar.

Rubber Duck @Solus 10-2am £3 Wednesday social @The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm.

Free.

All Three Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!!

Enough? This has got to be the most consistently popular club night in Cardiff, which is a bit of a turn-up really given there are far better nights elsewhere during the week. Still, what can you do? 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Cheapskates @Metros Alternative and Cheese. Have you ever noticed that when the drinks are this cheap it takes a lot longer to get drunk? Curious, eh? I sense foul play. No dress code. 9pm-2am.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn Bring your music and play it from 8 for the official preclwb warm up. Free entry ElectroMoloko @Moloko Weekly nights of ‘Raunchy Electro’, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem. Hosted by Machine Meadow; Material; Fused; Emerge. 8pm-2am Free entry.

Drymbago, Ummh and Gwyneth Glyn @The Toucan Funky, new breed Welsh bands plus guest DJs. Doors 9.30pm £6.

Richard Jones Organ Band @Riverbank Hotel Hammond and guitar quartet playing choice 60s hammond grooves. With possibly the finest working rhthym section in Cardiff.

9pm £4/£3.

Ian Poole Band @Cafe Jazz Solid trio with a varied repertoire. Jazz standards, driving bop and fresh latin. Well worth a look. 8:45 start £3.

Live @Barfly This Girl, Days Of Worth, For Knives Leave Scars.7.30 pm £6 adv.

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party @Seren Las This week the hottest new night in the Students’ Union (put on by Cardiff Student Jazz Society) features The Marcin Wright Quintet. Multi-instrumentalist - playing saxes, clarinet and flute on this outing Marcin has established his band as one of the most popular live attractions in Cardiff.

Which is no surprise given the awesome rhythm section and exciting frontline support from trombonist, Gareth Roberts. Playing Bop, blues, latin and jazz funk, there’s gonna be a lot of tired feet in Seren Las at the end of the night. 7pm £2.

Sunday @Incognito Audio chefs' end of the week: a night that takes you where ever you want to go. So long as it involves nothing but house music.

8-12.30pm, Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Acoustic open mic sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen.

Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas.

8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm.

The Bees @Solus Supporting the release of their second album Free The Bees, this Cardiff date finds the Isle of Wight based band on their biggest tour to date. Catchy melodies, purportedly trippy sounds and a greater eclecticism than fellow bands of their type, the Bees promise an enjoyable live show.

Cleverdick Quiz @Taf, SU 7pm £1 per team.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar 7pm free. Aha, I knew medics were getting more for their tuition fees than the rest of us - free entry to pub quiz. Outrageous. End this injustice!

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Bloc Party. Mystery Jets, The Cazals. 8pm £5.

Mr Scruff @Great Hall 9pm-2am £10adv.

Quality DJ and music maker. Always gets things going. But the Great Hall?! What the?

Surely it would have been a better night to put in Solus than...

Replay @Solus 9pm-2am £2 adv, £2.50 on the door.

Live Music Night @Grad Bar 8-11pm No idea who it is but at £0 it’s gotta be worth a shot, postgrads.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Presenting a Visual Spectacular special feat live VJs and film from 4 projectors. Eternally popular hip-hop / drum&bass night. 11.30pm. 8pm-2am. Free entry.

Twisted By Design @The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes - pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm- 2am. Free.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach International Karate Plus, Red Pony. 8.00pm £7 Uprising @Clwb Ifor Bach reggae, dub, ska Excellent night. Wade through the fog-like smoke clouds and shake yourself about to the hottest Jamaican import 7''s alongside classic selections from the 70s, 80s and 90s.

10.00pm. £3.

James Tartaglia @Cafe Jazz Top saxophonist back from Boston’s Berklee College and touring with pianist Brian Waite, bassist Erika Lyons and drummer John Gibbon. 8.45pm. £6/£4.

Judgement Night @ Metros The best in rock and metal. £2.50 or less?

Parked @The Toucan Band Boomshanka Live Acoustic Soul and Hippy Funk 8pm-1am £3/£2. showcase feat. The Vanities, Ego Armalade, Kutosis, and The Experiment. plus Resident DJs. 9pm-2am £4/£3.

Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Boomshanka Live Acoustic Soul and Hippy Funk 8pm-1am £3/£2.

Live @Barfly Campag Velocet, Vatican DC, Figure Of 8. 7.30 pm £5 adv.

@Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton / Box Office No: 029 2030 4400

AN ARTS centre that comprises cinema, gallery, theatre, bar, cafe and shop, Chapter is consistently the best place in Cardiff in which to expose yourself to all things creative. Their film showings, ranging fom blockbusters to independents to foriegn films, is arguably the major attraction. In recognition of their all-round spiffyness we present here a weekly summary of the various filmic curiosities they have on offer.

(Consult www.chapter.org for times)

Afterlife Sun 10 – Thu 14 Oct Sul 10 – Iau 14 Hyd UK/2003/104 mins/15. Dir: Alison Peebles.

With Kevin McKidd, Shirley Henderson, Lindsay Duncan, Paula Sage.

On the verge of a career breakthrough, an ambitious young journalist learns that his mother is dying. He is forced to re-evaluate his life and responsibilities – especially when he inherits the care of his younger sister, who has Down’s Syndrome and has always lived at home.

My Architect: A Son’s Journey Fri 15 – Thu 21 Oct Gwe 15 – Iau 21 Hyd USA/2003/116 mins/PG. Dir: N Khan.

Louis Kahn is considered by many historians to have been the most important architect of the late twentieth century. A Jewish immigrant who overcame poverty and the effects of a devastating childhood accident, Kahn created a handful of intensely beautiful and spiritual buildings. But while Kahn’s artistic legacy was an uncompromising search for truth and clarity, his personal life was filled with secrets and chaos.

Science

Page 16

October 11 2004

grscience@cf.ac.uk

Great things in tiny packages In an ever shrinking world, one technology is leaving all the rest behind

By Chris Matthews

Science Editor

A

new wave of drugs to treat cancer, AIDS and Multiple Sclerosis may be on the horizon thanks in part to research being undertaken at Cardiff University’s School of Pharmacy.

Professor Ruth Duncan this week addressed the British Pharmaceutical Conference expressing her excitement at the emergence of a microscopic medical system which could diagnose, treat and promote tissue regeneration after the elimination of a disease. Her work is being undertaken in a purpose built facility at the university, which was opened by Queen Elizabeth in 2000.

This new and promising medical technique is part of a much wider field of science known as nanotechnology, which is predicted to change the way the way in which disease is treated.

This technique breaks the boundaries between different subjects requiring knowledge from biology, chemistry, physics and engineering. The defining characteristic of nanotechnology is its size; it functions on a scale of nanometres, a unit so small that a single human hair is only 10,000 nanometres thick.

To exploit the advantages which nanotechnology could bring, individual atoms must be manipulated to create complex microscopic devices with the ability to respond to their environment, self-repair and even replicate.

An example of this is a theoretical nanotechnology machine, which could travel around the body in the bloodstream searching for cancerous cells and destroying them without harming healthy cells.

Creating a machine that could inhabit the bloodstream and fight cancer more efficiently than the body’s own immune system would clearly be an advantage. However, the scientific barriers that stand in the way of this becoming a possibility will be difficult to overcome. While some scientists believe the theory could be available in 50 years, others claim that the physical restraints on the technology will prevent it from ever becoming a reality.

Professor Duncan is more optimistic about a significant development in nanotechnology, especially after what she sees as good progress in the last few years: "Real opportunities exist to design nano-sized bio responsive systems able to diagnose and then deliver drugs, and to design systems able to promote tissue regeneration and repair without the need for chemotherapy."

Together with her international team in Cardiff and in collaboration with Tenovus cancer research, Professor Duncan is attempting to cre-

ate a method for delivering drugs directly to cells affected by disease.

This technique has been named ‘polymer therapeutics’ after the manipulated chain of chemical units, which will not only have to deliver drugs but also self replicate, work in harmony with the body’s natural defence and break down into harmless substances once their role is fulfilled.

Not all scientists share Professor Duncan’s confidence in the rewards of continued research into nanotechnology - other theories condemn the technology as impossible or even dangerous.

The potential power that this technology has is huge and as a direct result nanotechnology, which remains largely unregulated, has become a buzzword in the media of late with the all hype and infamy of GM crops. One of the most extreme theories concerning the negative side of nanotechnology is the ‘grey goo problem’.

This theory is named after the prediction that the entire earth’s surface could be covered with hundreds of billions of nanobots. The fear is that a machine which could extract energy from its environment and replicate itself could increase its number to an almost unlimited degree with little that could prevent its growth.

At this point the most graphical demonstrations of nanotechnology successes include the manufacture of a carbon nanotube which is 10 times stronger than carbon fibre and only a few nanometres long. This tube can be used to move atoms from one location to another and is hoped that it can be further developed into to a type of nano-soldering iron allowing atoms to be joined by extremely fine metallic connections. This technology has the potential to hugely increase the speed of electronics.

As a result, the computing and electronics industry provides millions of dollars in funding for nanotechnology research. IBM famously showcased its interest in the technology in 1989 when it used an electron microscope to skillfully manoeuvre atoms of the element xenon to spell out the company’s logo.

In California, a lift comprised of oxygen atoms has been constructed which can power itself using differences in its surrounding natural acidity. It is hoped that this technology could bring medical benefits, as a moving device this small could be used to deliver drugs to individual cells without any disruption to the body’s tissue.

Nanotechnology has developed with impressive speed in the last decade. And, judging by the number of respected scientists who are confident that it will make a positive impact on our world, it will continue to do so.

gair rhydd isn’t just for English and Journalism students!

If you’ve got an interest in any area of science and want to contribute, email the science editor at grscience@cf.ac.uk or come up to the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the union.

Taf-Od

11 Hydref 2004

Tud 17

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Croeso i Gaerdydd, Prifddinas y Môr Celtaidd Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od CROESO I Taf-Od, adran Gymraeg y Gair Rhydd. Yma yn wythnosol byddem yn trafod materion diwylliannol a chyfoes Cymraeg.

Mae’n siwr bod pawb wedi gweld unwaith eto bod y rhai sydd mewn awdurdod wedi dangos bod Cymru ddim mor bwysig â hynny iddynt wrth i Eurostat, yr adran sydd yn cronni ystadegau ar gyfer pob aelod o’r Undeb Ewropeaidd wedi gadael

Map Newydd Ewrop?

Cymru oddi ar fap Ewrop sydd ar glawr y cyhoeddiad. Mae’r map yn dangos Prydain gyda llinell wedi’i thynnu rhwng Caer ac aber yr Hafren a’r Môr Celtaidd i’r dde ohono lle dylai Cymru fod.

Nid Eurostat yw’r unig bobl i "golli" Cymru, mi wnaeth Arlywydd George W. Bush ofyn i Charlotte Church "So what state is Wales in?" yn 2002. Beth yw Cymru bellach yng ngolwg y byd? Tîm Rygbi sydd yn methu ennill? Tîm Pêl Droed sydd yn agos ond dim yn ddigon da i gyrraedd y cystadlaethau mawr?

Nid yn unig dramor mae Cymru yn colli ei statws ond mae’r iaith Gymraeg yn colli ei statws yma yn ein prifddinas.

Mae gan y Brifysgol polisi iaith bendant, mae gan bawb yr hawl i gael pob cysylltiad â’r Brifysgol trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg a hefyd i sefyll pob arholiad yng Nghymraeg. Mae yna dros 1,000 o Gymry Cymraeg yn y Brifysgol eto sawl sydd yn nabod ei gilydd?

Os nad ydych wedi edrych eto mae gwefan y brifysgol (www.caerdydd.ac.uk) wedi cael ei hailwampio dros yr haf wrth i’r

Brifysgol a Choleg Meddygaeth Prifysgol Cymru uno. Mae’r wefan yn edrych yn dda ac yn llawn gwybodaeth ond, mae hanner y tudalennau dal heb ei hysgrifennu yng Nghymraeg. Mae’n si_r gen i fod y Brifysgol wedi cynnwys ysgrifennu’r wefan yng Nghymraeg yn ystod yr adeg o gynllunio’r wefan ag eto nid ydynt wedi gorffen y cyfieithiad. Mae rhai adrannau heb unrhyw Gymraeg o gwbl ar ei gwefannau'r Adran Gyfrifiadureg er enghraifft. Na ddylai ni fel Cymry bod yn sefyll lan dros ein hiaith ac yn danfon neges at y Brifysgol yn dweud bod dal ffordd i fynd i wneud pethau yn gwbl ddwyieithog fel dylai hi fod?

Yn fwy pwysig efallai yw'r newyddion fod Taf-Od wedi dysgu bod rhai o fewn ein Hundeb am geisio diddymu polisi dwyieithog yr undeb. Mi fyddai colli’r polisi dwyieithog yn ergyd fawr i ni fel Cymry Cymraeg.

Ar hyn o bryd mae gwefan yr Undeb (www.cardiffstudents.com) yn gyfan gwbl yn Saesneg. Os mae’n rhaid cael posteri’n ddwyieithog na ddylai’r wefan fod yn ddwyieithog hefyd? Mae’r Undeb yn ceisio gwasanaethu pob un o’r myfyrwyr yng

Cwmderi yn cyrraedd 30!

Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od MAE TAF-OD yr wythnos hon am estyn ei longyfarchiadau at griw a chast Pobl y Cwm wrth i'r gyfres dathlu 30 mlynedd ar ein teledai. Darlledwyd y bennod gyntaf ar 16eg Hydref 1974 ac erbyn hyn mae mwy na 4,000 pennod wedi cael ei darlledu.

Wedi’i leoli yn Sir Gaerfyrddin mae pentref Cwmderi wedi gweld ei ran o helynt dros y blynyddoedd

ac wedi gosod recordiau ei hun ar y ffordd, Pobl y Cwm oedd y gyfres gyntaf o’i fath i gael ei ddarlledu pum gwaith yr wythnos.

Dros y blynyddoedd mae enwogion wedi mynd a dod trwy Gwmderi, enwogion rygbi megis Ray Gravell a Jonathan Davies.

Pobl y Cwm oedd hefyd rôl broffesiynol cyntaf seren Hornblower a King Arthur Ioan Gruffudd fel Gareth Wyn yn y 1980au.

Mor llwyddiannus mae Pobl y Cwm wedi bod nes i’r gyfres gael ei ddarlledu ar BBC2 yn ystod y

1990au cynar and ym 1991 yn yr Iseldiroedd y ddau wedi’i ddarlledu gydag isdeitlau.

Dim ond un aelod o’r cast gwreiddiol sydd ddal yng Nghwmderi sef Sabrina a chwaraewyd gan Gillian Elisa. Ers 1982 mae Pobl y Cwm wedi dod i fod yn rhan hollbwysig o amserlen S4C ac erbyn hyn mae ganddo lawer o wylwyr ffyddlon a llawer o enwogion yn ei ddilyn.

Mae Tafod felly yn ymestyn ei llongyfarchiadau i Bobl y Cwm ac yn dymuno 30 mlynedd arall i’r gyfres. Boed iddi fynd o nerth i

Dysgu Cymraeg Gyda Taf-Od Learn Welsh with Tafod Brawddeg yr Wythnos: Sentance of The Week: “Esgusodwch fi, ble mae’r tai bach agosaf?”

“Excuse me, where are the nearest toilets?”

Anfonwch unrhyw sylwadau, llythyrau neu gyfraniadau i’r cyfeiriad e-bost newydd:

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Nghaerdydd ond eto maent yn dieithrio 10% o’r myfyrwyr hynny sydd yn Gymry Cymraeg.

Un o’r siomau mwyaf sydd yn cael ei rannu gan dîm Taf-Od yw nad oedd swyddog sabothol ar gyfer Cymry Cymraeg wedi cael ei ethol. Heb aelod o’r Undeb yn ymladd dros ein hiaith ni a fydd yr her yma at ein hiaith yn dod i ddiweddglo hapus?

Wedi siarad gyda rhai myfyrwyr mae Taf-Od o’r deallusrwydd bod Saeson am gael gwared â’r polisi iaith oherwydd mae’n gwneud hi’n anodd iddynt roi posteri i fynnu. Nid ydynt yn deall pwysigrwydd ein hiaith i ni’r Cymry.

Dylai’r undeb fod yn gwneud mwy dros y Cymry Cymraeg nid llai. I ddyfynnu un o’r bobl wnaeth siarad gyda Taf-Od, "There’s no point to having things bilingually, the Welsh can read English anyway!", mae’n blaen i weld taw ni’r Cymry Cymraeg sydd yn

mynd i orfod brwydro dros ein hiaith, does neb yn mynd i ymladd ein hachos drosom ni. Ein brwydr ni yw cadw’r Brifysgol a’r Undeb yn ddwyieithog.

Rydym ni’r Cymry Cymraeg yng Nghaerdydd ar flaen y frwydr dros ein hiaith, mae’n bryd i ni dangos i’r Brifysgol ac i’r Undeb.

Rydym yn canu "O bydded i’r heniaith barhau" pob gem ryngwladol mae ein tîm yn chwarae, ai geiriau yw'r rhain neu yw ein hanthem yn ysbrydoliaeth i ni gyd? Mae’n bryd i ni ddechrau sefyll i fynu dros ein iaith.

Os ydych chi am weithio gyda TafOd ebostiwch ni argrtafod@cf.ac.uk.

Am gyfrannu? Mae Taf-Od angen chi! Ebostiwch

grtafod@cf.ac.uk am fwy o wybodaeth

AM GADW POLISI DWYIEITHOG YR UNDEB? Llenwch y blychau isod a anfonwch i mewn i swyddfa Gair Rhydd Enw:...................................

Cwrs:...................................

Blwyddyn:........

Anfonwch i: Gair Rhydd Undeb Prifysgol Caerdydd Park Place Caerdydd

Media

Page 19

October 11 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Mobile phone obssessed

Have we become a nation dependent on mobile phones? One student describes how she just couldn’t function without one.

By Fatima Bibi-Mannan Media Correspondent

A

few months ago I found myself in a predicament that I hope never to be in again.

Stumbling in after a night out with my mates and feeling the repercussions of a large curry and endless 99p drinks at a Cardiff bar that will remain unnamed, I headed straight for the bathroom.

Suddenly a flashback of the evening’s events hit me and sheer panic set in. I reached for my mobile phone, my lifeline in these situations, and drunkenly tried to text a mate to see if my alcohol soaked memory was correct.

As I found out that fateful evening, alcohol can severely affect your handeye co-ordination.

My phone magically jumped out of my hand and manoeuvred itself towards my toilet. No matter how slowly it seemed to be falling my hands just would not move fast enough to catch it and it was quickly submerged.

Splash! There went my mobile phone. Now would I ever find out if I’d serenaded the residents of my street with my rendition of S Club 7’s best?

This was the point where I had to face the question: how much did I need that mobile phone? Was sending that message essential to the framework of my existence?

The choices as I saw were: I could either flush or fish. I am ashamed to admit that I actually fished, taking away any dignity I had left, posing the

question what would anybody else do in my exact predicament? Am I the only one who is desperate enough and reliant enough to demean themselves in such a manner? I am in fact a textaholic.

My phone, however, did not seem to appreciate the efforts I had made to revive it and promptly switched itself off never to awake again.

As the phone lay in its coma I realised that the longlasting friendship between me and a piece of over-priced plastic had come to an end.

I awoke from the night before and the reality of the situation hit me. I had no mobile phone, no means of texting. Was the 21st century going to turn its back on me?

“Do I fish or do I flush?

How much did I need that mobile phone” As I reached for my mobile phone to text my mate to tell them about this hilarious sequence of events, my hand hit the empty space where my mobile had once lay. The first wave of panic hit me.

Gr8, how was I going to survive without a mobile phone? Unlike my friends I did not have an old back-up phone, which resembled a masonry brick that was hidden away in some cupboard and only bought out in times of desperation.

Can anyone remember the days when you would walk down a street and nobody’s hand was permanently glued to their ear? Or you could watch MTV without having to sit through hours of ringtone adverts that actually make you believe that Mario ‘Whine-Arse’ on your mobile phone may possibly be a good idea? Going cold turkey without polyphonic ringtones – now that was daunting!

When exactly did these electronic devices take over the world?

I still cannot actually pin down the moment that I became reliant on my phone. When they first became the must have fashion item I was defiant that I would not need one and a waste of my hard earned money. So what has changed?

The fact is the mobile phone is no longer just a communication tool.

Mine got me through the day. It was my diary, my address book, my photo album and most importantly my alarm clock to get me up for those 9am lectures.

At the beginning of my traumatic week I believed that I could survive. I had to learn to be one of that 19% of the society that did not have the need for mobile telecommunications.

After all the entire world had functioned without mobile phones, so surely I could survive now.

I was not one of those teenagers that newspapers criticised 4 using txt language during their English xams. The fact that 73% of 17 year olds and 87% of 18-21 year olds relied on their mobile phones as their main source of contact and communication I believed was a gross generalisation; I was soon to be proven wrong and learn how reliant I had become.

Within the first few hours of not having a mobile I managed to wake up late, miss a lecture, and annoy a friend.

Without my alarm I failed to wake in time to meet my friend and having no means of telling her I was running late she waited in the rain for 20 minutes until she finally gave up.

As well as being unable to communicate with those more than 200 metres away from me, my friends could not contact me either. I still get

flashbacks of those nights that I spent alone because they were unable to tell me the plans: a trip to the cinema, a house party, a pub crawl. Perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration!

I was soon omitted from the circle of friends: I had no knowledge of the latest jokes, the gossip or scandal.

Even when I did receive this information using less primitive means and participated in the night out I had no camera phone to take photos of my

“I challenge anyone to survive without their mobile phone for a week” mates in ungraceful positions.

My mental arithmetic and mathematical skills had also taken a severe blow because of my dearest mobile.

The simplest of equations would lead me to head for the calculator function on screen, and I was lost without it.

My overdraft had exceeded the limit during my mobileless time. Extensive shopping trips and the inability to actually work out how much in debt I was

led me into a false sense of security.

With no television in my room I had relied on text updates. Without the mobile I actually had to buy a newspaper!

The most surprising and rather alarming discovery during my voyage was the bitter hate and resentment that I felt towards the people who actually had mobile phones on them. For instance, after lectures or seminars girls, in particular, would turn on their mobile phones, find they had received a message and sigh "someone loves me".

Did the fact that I did not have a phone mean that I was less loved and unwanted? Had the receiving of a text message become more than just a tool for communication? Was it now a means of measuring worth and value?

Did the amount of texts you receive daily have an effect in the popularity scale? If so, I was seriously screwed.

I finally cracked when I found myself trying

to analyse the w o r l d ’ s dependency on mobiles and the quality of communication. What had I become?

I headed straight to the closest mobile phone shop; I could not go on any longer. I was soon inundated with the lasted offers, rates, messages and gizmos.

How did I ever think I could survive without receiving those random text and picture messages at 3am from drunken mates? The endless hours of fun that can be had from snake - how I missed it during those bus trips to town.

My shiny new phone and I have spent many hours together and have quickly developed a close and meaningful relationship. We plan never to part.

I challenge anyone to survive without their mobile for a week. Trust me, you will be begging for it by the time breakfast is over.

Free Stuff

Page 20

October 11 2004

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Surf for free with ntl

An absolutely huge giveaway for you all this week. No, it’s not Lemon-Fresh Surf washing powder; it’s bigger than that. In fact it’s so big I’ve had to include terms and conditions at the bottom of the page. Hope you are all suitably impressed.

My little self here at grab! has teamed up with the lovely, helpful and efficient PR people at ntl in order to give you this amazing competition. One lucky, lucky student has the chance to have a high speed 750K Broadband Internet installed for nine months completely for free.

I’m not sure what the 750K means, but I have spoken to my flatmate’s boyfriend who is doing a computing course (and thus knows everything there is to know about computers) and he says this connection is so fast it enables users to download movies, music and games, as well as just regular use of the net, at lightening speed. So now you can carry out twice as much research for your studies as you could

before, because that’s really going to happen. Hmmmm, checking emails from mates and chatting on MSN is more like it.

Usually this kind of connection would cost you £24.99 per month.

A 300K connection would cost you £17.99 per month and 1.5Mb at £37.99 per month, very cheap prices if you ask me.

Yet, ntl has gone one better than this with their student packages. Because they like us students so much ntl is also offering students the choice of either 300K or 750K Broadband Internet for just £15.99 a month or £19.99 a month respectively. A huge cut from the prices mentioned above. Once again installation is free (worth £75.00), there is no extra charge for the cable modem, and with 15 email addresses available (one for everyone in the house), you all have to agree that ntl has come up with some fantastic savings to suit all student needs.

Get free phone line rental worth £85.00 for nine months when you

purchase ntl’s Digital TV Student Pack for just £19.50 a month. There are over 100 top channels included in the Digital TV Student Pack such as MTV, Sky One and E4.

With free installation and access to 30 pay-per-view movies every day from Front Row, ntl is certainly accounting for all that free time students have.

You all know what that means? More Diagnosis Murder, more Neighbours, more music videos, more Friends, more Sex and the City, more crap reality TV shows, more jabbering on the phone to your friends back home, how wonderful. Who has time for work anyway? My house has already taken up on the Digital TV student pack offer, I would highly recommend it and am looking forward to getting a 3rd for my degree.

If you want any further information on any ntl products,

Here’s Johnny

As the ntl competition was so big this week, I didn’t have any form of decent space for any other competition. Yet as always, I will have space for my beloved Johnny. So this week, to impress you all on my Depp knowledge I have created a little Depp quiz. Any lucky woman who can answer every question correctly may (or may not) win a date with him.

1) How many times has Johnny been engaged without actually marrying?

2) Name the rock band Johnny played guitar for on the track ‘Fade in - out’ because their guitarist was too drunk to do it.

3) What are the names of Johnny’s two children?

4) What is Johnny’s favourite book?

5) What is the name of Johnny’s club?

6) When did Johnny recieve a star on the Hollywood walk of fame?

services and offers, call free phone 0800 052 1951 or visit the website at www.ntl.com. Or you could just answer this really easy question and you might just win yourself the fantastic prize of nine months ntl high speed 750K Broadband Internet for free. Yep, you read correctly, for free.

I’m so good to you all. If any one fancies showing their appreciation I really want the new Joss Stone album. Unfortunately I can’t quite afford it. Those Thornton’s Dessert Gallery chocolates always go down well with m, as well. 4th floor of the union, pigeonhole in the gair rhydd office, you know the place. Ok, getting a little cheeky now, boyfriend of mine should take note though.

Anyway, I digress, back to the question: How many Broadband Internet speeds does ntl offer? Enter in the usual way.

Prize Draw Terms and Conditions

7) Which cult director has Johnny played?

8) How many Oscars has Johnny won?

9) How old is Johnny?

10) When is Johnny’s birthday?

11) In which Horror film did Johnny begin his illustrious career?

12) Whose heart is Johnny said to have broken?

13) Which Joanne Harris novel adaptation did Johnny star in?

14) Why does one of Johnny’s tattoos read ‘wino forever’?

Ntl services are available in most ntl cabled streets only, subject to availability and network capacity. Nine-month student minimum term contract applies. Prices assume payment by direct debit. Existing ntl customers, employees of ntl Group Limited, Cardiff Student Union Officers and their families not entitled to enter. Offers open to students only. Proof of student status may be required. Offer ends 12/11/2004. Information correct as of 29/9/04. Prize is nine-month subscription to ntl’s 750K Broadband. Winner must live in an ntl cabled area and sign up to ntl terms and conditions. Minimum system requirements apply, ntl Broadband will only be available to those with compatible computers, if not the prize will be held open for 30 days should the winner choose to upgrade their PC. You must continue to take the Digital TV Student Offer for the full nine months to benefit from free telephone line rental. Ntl reserves the right to charge for all bundled offer services at the offer rate for any remaining months of the nine month period if you stop being an ntl customer or cancel any of the bundled services within that minimum term. No correspondence will be entered into.

The prize is non-transferable. There is no cash alternative.

Answers and Winners: Yes, Luke Hilson, www.shorterqueues.com/nus was the website that saves you money and gets you into Alton Towers for only £18. Have fun with your free pair of tickets. Last but not least, Jenna Jordan, you can munch your way through a years supply of Poppets as the new flavours are Crunchy cookie and Orange, as you answered.

Congratulations. I will contact you all when the prizes are ready. Keep entering ladies and gents; I have many more wonderful prizes coming up, all with super easy questions.

Come on people, I’m virtually handing them out to you, all you have to do is email me at the address above, or if you don’t have the internet (with the ntl offers listed above you really don’t have any excuses with that one) pop a little note in my pigeon hole on the 4th floor of the union. Go on, you might just win something. Good Luck.

Johnny Answers: 1) 4 2) Oasis 3) Lily -Rose Melody and Jack 4) Catcher in the Rye 5) The Viper Room 6) 19th November 1999 7) Ed Wood 8) 0 9) 41 10) 9th June 11) Nightmare on Elm Street 12) Kate Moss 13) Chocolat 14) It orginally read ‘Winona forever’, from his engagement to Winona Rider. He had the n and a removed after they split up.

Television

October 11 - October 17 2004

Page 21

tvjohnlivesuptohisname@dinnerlady.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV Oct 11th-Oct 17th

Dirty Thirty for Cwm Chums It’s Pobol’s birthday

HOT Garlic Bread Not only does the smell of it make you want to drown in garlic butter, it is a great repellent for Freshers who haven’t learnt that not only are people from other years, but also no one wants to shag them.

Ever. Losers.

SOAPS Pauline Fowler Trips Over Her Growler What a sad week it is for Albert Square. Betrayal, lies and ladders and that’s just in the Fowler household. So, OK, I find the Martin-stalker a little lame and pathetic. Why would you be scared of someone who pays respect to war heros in such a sycophantic manner (her note)? I mean sycophantic as in directed at the audience’s beliefs, of course. But anyway, anyway. All that aside, it is quite funny that Pauline doesn’t have a nice trip and is found at the bottom of a ladder after a visit from Sarah, aforementioned stalker. I think the Easties bosses are trying to do a bit of a Who Killed Phil Mitchell thing here, which won’t work as no one cares about the ‘Line, but it is comedy, at least. Love from TV Holly xxx

Yay! TV Desk really has something to celebrate this week. No, not that John’s got a job as a dinnerlady.

And not that my new movie, ‘The Talented Mrs RipAss’ has become a bestseller.

And yes, you’re wrong to think that TV Will and Gary have got it together. And it’s not that Katie’s sold salacious stories to Readers’ Wives. In fact, we are celebrating because Pobol y Cwm is thirty years old.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday that Hywel gave Ceri that artificial leek for her vaginal pleasure and only minutes ago that Dylan slipped Ethel the ewe a length. It has aged well, hasn’t it? So it’s obviously TV Desk’s pick of the week.

For other picks, I have earmarked the marvellous Who Do You Think You Are (9pm, BBC2, Tuesday) for your delectation. Who do I think I am? A witty blonde with big boobs and a bigger vocabuary. So there.

Either that or a sailor-mouthed sweaty bitch descended from Essex stock. Nice. Watch and learn, kids, watch and learn. Lots of love from TV Holly xxx Art! Not to disturb those of you who study maths or something that doesn’t require creative thought, but C4 (sorry to all you 99% who cant get it, but life sucks, doesn’t it guys?) are showing a series of short films all labelled Outside (Wednesday 12.20am onwards) The freak show begins with something called The Baader-Meinhoff Gang

Show, which bears no relevance to the actual mysterious “did they commit suicide or did they fall onto the knives, hmmm” Baader-Meinhoff gang, but is more about MS and ME sufferers traversing cities and causing havoc, which I’m all for. The last show of the night is called FleaBitten, and it’s about a flea circus which in my opinion are underused in popular entertainment these days. Sandwiched in between is a fascinating-looking show, called Namesake, about unlucky buggers who happen to share their names with famous people. Sadly none of my friends who are called Will Young, Mike Reid and Dave Stewart feature, although that’s best for all

concerned. If you have S4C you can watch a repeat of the football, you cultural hogs.

For those of you with divorced parents, and of course for those odd-balls whose parents are still in holy matrimony, there is Geldof on Marriage (8pm, Channel 4, Monday). Bob Geldof has a moan about how the children of divorced parents are more likely to get depressed and end up in prison. Good luck to his children then - what a stinking hypocrite! Anyhoo, my parents are divorced and I’ve only been to jail once for that armed robbery in Bridgewater - what’s his

point?

Next pick is a programme made in reaction to TV Desk at gair rhydd.

Ban This Filth (11.05pm, C4, Tuesday) features Mary Whitehouse emerging from her rotting grave in order to spank each member of TV desk for being so down-right filthy.

Fnarr. Filthy, us? **** my furry ****** you ******* decrepit ****-brain.

Finally, prepare yourselves for the programme of the week: Monkey (2.15am, C4, Tuesday). I know I go on about this but it’s undiscovered cult TV, I promise you! If you don’t already know, Monkey is cheap, Japanese kung-fu beauty with the most superb bit of dubbing you’re ever likely to hear. The acting is topnotch and I’m determined to make this BIG, even a Hollywood film or summat. Go on, watch.

NOT

Bagels Not only are they American (die, die) but they contain more fat than Rik Waller in a Lurpak factory.

Eaten by freshers who mistakenly think that they are the archetypal nouveau cuisine, they are best avoided unless you want to be known as a pretentious Yanko-phile.

SPORT If you were stupid enough to miss the England v Wales match on Saturday, you’re left with satellite viewing this week. Personally, I couldn’t give two tosses what you watch. There’s some NFL (five 2am, mon) with the Green Bay Packers v Tennessee Titans and some Nascar on Tuesday. Enjoy!

FILMS Not a great week for films on terrestrial sadly. Not a recommendation on my part, but you could always watch Nutty Professor 2: the Klumps (8pm, five, thurs).

Eddie Murphy plays about a billion characters and got paid $20m for doing so. The plot is similar to the original, surprisingly, but it might be funny... Or not.

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY

RADIO

Starting off the week’s delicious assortment of satellite/cable/digital sweeties, we have Me, Myself and Irene (9pm, ITV2, Monday).

Starring rubber-faced Jim Carey, in about his 4th film shown in the past fortnight, as a schitzophrenic who falls in love with Renee Zellweger.

Who in their right mind would fall in love with that munter is beyond me, but the film is quite funny. If Renee shows her legs, take a gander at her knees. Man, she has the worst knees ever!

For real Oscar winning stuff, watch Maid In Manhattan (Sat, 8pm, Sky Movies 2) which is sure to be hilarious - in all the wrong ways.

Starring J-Lo and Ralph Fiennes, who really can do better, it’s the tale of a diva (J-Lo) who ditches her image to become a single mother working as a maid. Incredible.

Finally, something good, Ang Lee’s Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (8pm, mon, FilmFour Weekly) Awesome, intelligent, period action. At last.

There’s a mixed bag on the radio waves this week, take a pick of what gets your ear juices dripping.

1. Bjork on Giles Peterson (Radio 1, Sun. 11pm) 2. Grin and Bare It (Radio 4, Tues. 11pm) - Babs Windsor talks about getting your norks out onstage 3. The Lock Up (Radio 1 Tues 9pm) has Jimmy Eat World in Session, who make nice music but are incredibly boring interviewees 4. Like you need another one, Radio 2 (Wed. 10pm) has a documentary about the rise and fall of Britpop, predictably called Don’t Look Back In Anger. Everyone knows Echobelly killed Britpop anyway 5. God-like Christian Slater reads and abridged version of One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest (Radio 2 Fri. 9.15pm) Good shit.

The Day After Tomorrow - Released October 18th Time for TV Willy to vent! I’ve been stuck in the bloody tiny reject room at the back of the office. But now I’m back. And how!!!

Right, the film then. Silly big blockbuster starring the rabbit-seeing, Kirsten Dunst, humping Jake Gyhlly-wotsit-hall. Now I’m all for box-office raping blockbusters like this, and it’s certainly better than that waste of blinking that was Troy, but despite some tremendous special effects, it’s a bit of a damp squib (geddit? damn! Arf!).

Go on buy it, rent it, fill Rupert Murdoch’s coffers with your hard earned dosh.

That’s about all I can offer I’m afraid because I’m tired, want to go home and have nothing but contempt for anyone who would listen to my opinion. Go on scram!

Lots of love, TV Willy xx

Monday

Page 22

October 11 - October 17 2004

tvkatie@sweaty.pits

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Neighbours BBC1 17.35pm

Postman Pat BBC2 8.30am

The A-Z of Love and Sex

S4C 09.30am

The 6-stone baby five 9pm

BBC1 WALES 06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Pui's Explore Monday: Tots TV 15.35 Boo! 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Stables 16.20 Mona the Vampire 16.35 In 2 Minds 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Has Karl still not realised that ‘his’ unborn baby is too stupidly large to be his? Doctor my ass. Meanwhile Lou is still forced to wear his vest and pants all day, including outdoors, in prison.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Airport 19.30 Wales Yesterday 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Changing Rooms If only that Barker woman would change this gair rhydd office and rid it of its festering odour.21.00 Spooks 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Jack Dee Live at the Apollo 23.20 Public Opinion 23.50 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross 00.20 FILM: Magic 02.10 Sign Zone: Country House 02.40 Sign Zone03.40 Sign Zone: Should I Worry About...? 04.10 Joins BBC

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 Ocean Odyssey 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Postman Pat 08.45 Wide Eye 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Science Clips 10.40 English Express 11.00 English Express 11.20 Let's Write a Story 11.40 Let's Write a Story 12.00 Let's Write a Story Once Upon a Time there was a TV desk who could never think of anything sensible to write about, so instead they wrote about flange. They all lived extraordinarily happy ever after.

The End.12.20 Trade Secrets 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 The Phil Silvers Show 13.55 FILM: Doctor in Love 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.45 Spy 19.30 Country House Mastermind This week’s 20.00 specialist subjects include the history of flange and Harold Bishop Never Mind the 21.00 Buzzcocks 21.30 Room 101 With Michael Winner.

Refer to page eight instead to read gair rhydd’s superior ideas.

Read the comic too, it’ll make you piss. 22.00 Early Doors 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC 22.00 Four on BBC Two: The Race Age 00.00 BBC Four on BBC Two: Raj to Rhondda: How Indian Doctors saved the NHS 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Italianissimo 1-20

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather Far too bloody cold for October.

13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.50 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show Afternoon chat and entertainment hosted by Paul O'Grady. His guest today is Simon Cowell which’ll be about as shit as a shitty pile of shit with shit on top.

18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Ciaran abandons his frying pan and jumps into the fire. Eh? What an insanely stupid thing to do. Sunita forces Dev and Jayesh to swallow their pride.

Fred sets an unusual challenge for the Rovers regulars. The Mini Cheddar Challenge maybe?

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 Trial and Retribution 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week 23.30 Savage Planet: Bolts from the Blue 00.00 The Jules And Lulu Show Good mighty God, what in hell? 00.30 Champions League Weekly 00.55 Building the Dream 01.20 Moving Day 01.45 Trisha 02.35 Everything Must Go 03.00 Entertainment Now! 03.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 03.50 Get Stuffed!

04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends New series set in the Bolivian jungle, featuring six apes who gather daily at the Oganooba tree. 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Nikki 09.15 Home Sweet Home 09.30 Life Stuff: The A-Z of Love and Sex F is for felching. 09.55 The Business 10.20 Dealing with Drugs 10.45 Think Business 11.05 National Gallery 11.10 Citizen UK 11.35 Decisions 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Pentre Bach 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown Here’s a conundrum for your young, enquiring minds COOLBLKS 16.00 Planed Plant (4.005.00): Bord 16.20 Medabots 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Ffermio 21.00 Mostyn Fflint 'N Aye! 21.30 Sgorio 22.35 Y Clwb Rygbi 23.05 Dads Army: The Men who Stormed the Palace 00.10 Without a Trace 01.05 The Worst Jobs in History Articificial inseminator of bulls. I actually know a guy who used to do this.02.05 FILM: Me, You, Them 04.00 Extra 2 04.25 Making It 04.30 What's So Good About Jacqueline Wilson 04.45 Changing Cities 05.00 Art Store 1 05.15 Tackling Technology 05.30 Maths Through History 05.45 The Blue Dragon

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Franny's Feet 09.30 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser The host of this quiz is such a prick-tease, much preferred the guy. Nice bit of post-Neighbours viewing though if, like me, you just can’t get into Doctors. Freshers, enjoy the lazy afternoon 14.35 14.35 The Farm 15.40 FILM: A Perry Mason Mystery: The Case of the Grimacing Governor 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Ultimate S20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 Archie, The Six Stone Baby: Thompson is two years old and weighs nearly six stone, three times the weight of a normal child his age.

Apparently, this isn't caused by overeating, but by a genetic disorder which may well cause his premature death.

Yeah, and The Thrills is a ground-breaking band. 22.00 The Farm 23.05 The Joan Rivers Position 23.40 Naked Celebrity: The Body Language of Power 00.25 Lexx 01.10 US PGA Golf: Michelin Championship at Las Vegas 02.00 NFL Live ? Monday Night American Football: Green Bay Packers v Tennessee Titans 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Detox Devils 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 The Body of JFK 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 The Smoking Room 00.00 The Smoking Room 00.30 Sex, Warts and All USA 01.00 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.30 The Body of JFK 02.25 Sex, Warts and All USA 02.55 End of Story Another unbearably thrilling night from BBC Three, I’m practially having orgasms from the thought of the schedule. A double bill of Sex, Warts and All, plus, PLUS a double bill of the never-ending laugh-a-minute sitcom Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.

Awesome. If only the other channels would catch on to the insanity of repeat TV and then we’d all be stupidly happy 24/7 and you wouldn’t have to read this sort of tripe each week.

Hohoho. Bla de bla bla bla nothing to add, spunkyspankywankywankwank.

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.30 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Highlights 19.30 Champions League Weekly 20.00 Airline 20.30 The Planet's Funniest Animals Jerry the cat does a handstand, Billy the hamster does a death-defying dive off the kitchen table only to land on Sidney the budgee. If only my pets were this damn hilarious.

21.00 FILM: Me, Myself and Irene With Jim Carrey and Renee Zellweger. (Comedy, 2000) 23.10 Coronation Street 23.40 Coronation Street 00.05 The Frank Skinner Show Recently voted one of the five funniest comedians ever. 00.50 Jerry Springer 01.35 Late Show with David Letterman 02.20 Teleshopping 04.20 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.25 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 The Zeta Project 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 FILM: How to Murder a Millionaire ** 12.45 House Sitters 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle Family comedy. Malcolm finds life as the middle brother in an eccentric family made even more difficult when he is placed in a class for gifted students at school.

19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 FILM: Apollo 13 With Tom Hanks and Kevin Bacon.

(Drama, 1995) 22.40 Street Wars 23.40 Deadwood 00.50 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.45 Gamezville 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love More love in Dubai and Luxor 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Monica and Rachel hire an ungainly stripper for Phoebe's bachelorette party.

Joey appears as a celebrity game show contestant.

17.30 Friends 18.05 Without a Trace 19.55 Friends Monica and Rachel hire an ungainly stripper for Phoebe's bachelorette party. Joey appears as a celebrity game show contestant.

No, not a mistake, they really are repeating this, two hours later. 20.30 Friends 21.00 The OC American drama series set in the wealthy coastal community of Orange County. Seth is saddened to learn that Anna is leaving Newport to return to Pittsburgh. Leave Newport?

What?! 22.00 Kings of Comedy 22.30 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 23.00 Without a Trace 00.00 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 00.30 Layer Cake: Bullets, Babes and Bad Guys 00.55 Hollyoaks 01.25 The OC 02.15 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 02.40 Kings of Comedy 03.05 Kings of Comedy: Late Night Featuring TV Will

CH4. As S4C except: 06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Tales of a Wise King 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 12.30 Cheers 13.00 In Your Face: Police Portraits by Alan Parker 13.20 FILM: Move Over, Darling With Doris Day and James Garner.

(Comedy, 1963) 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away a choice between Lincolnshire and Italy. 18.00 Friends 18.30 Hollyoaks The day dawns when Zara, Lisa and Cameron face moving into their Halls of Residence, which are likely to be next-door to the pub to save on set costs. Lisa checks out the talent in the SU bar. Debbie is determined to seize Dan back from Steph. Lee is the man, as is Bombhead. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Slot: New Home of the Year 20.00 Geldof on Marriage 21.00 Dads Army: The Men who Stormed the Palace 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 Father Ted 23.30 The Sopranos . 00.45 FILM: Women Call the Shots: 03.10 The Playful Muse 03.30 Unreported World: Occupation

Tuesday

October 11 - October 17 2004

Page 23

fourthyear@fuckingsucks.com

A Thing Called love

BBC1 9.00pm

Bank of Mum & Dad BBC2 8.00pm

The Ferret ITV 7.30pm

Make Way For Noddy

five 7.30am

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 Rotten Ralph 07.00 Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge 07.05 Tom 07.30 I Love Mummy 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Postman Pat 08.45 Wide Eye 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Bobinogs 10.40 Maths Challenge 10.50 Maths Challenge 11.00 Around Scotland 11.20 Trade Secrets 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Witness 13.35 The Phil Silvers Show 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Wildlife on Two 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice Probably festuring me, TV Katie, again. Sob, sob... 18.45 Spy 19.30 Map Man: William Roy's Military Survey of Scotland 20.00 Bank of Mum and Dad Documentary series in which parents move in with their indebted offspring for the week to take total control of their finances and get them back on the straight and narrow. Every freshers nightmare as Daddy realises you spent his money on Vodka and Red Bull at Rubber Duck, and a pointless collection of pot plants that you know will die before November. 21.00 Who Do You Think You Are? 22.00 Grumpy Old Men 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on 00.20 FILM: Cry, the Beloved Country 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Languages: Quinze Minutes Plus 04.00 Vingt Minutes Brain has just gone completely dead.......focus Katie, focus.....zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Fun Song Factory 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show Afternoon chat and entertainment hosted by Paul O'Grady. His guest today is Donny Osmond. Donny actually got to about number 9 in the Charts the other week. Insane.

18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 The Ferret Fricking, triple billion times infinity cubed FNARR!!!!

20.00 Package Holiday Undercover 21.00 Trial and Retribution 22.30 ITV News 23.00 ITV Weather 23.05 FILM: Mad Dog and Glory With Robert De Niro and Uma Thurman.

(Comedy, 1993) 00.45 CD:UK Hotshots 01.10 In Profile Who’s in profile this week, tell me it’s not the Thrills again, I may just have to puke. 01.40 Grounded for Life 02.00 Take the Mike 02.30 Trisha 03.20 Today with Des and Mel 04.10 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Intergalactic plan-e-tar-y

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Nikki 09.20 Home Sweet Home 09.30 Life Stuff: The A-Z of Love and Sex Haven’t seen this but why and HOW is it on at 9.30 in the morning? 09.55 The Business 10.20 Dealing with Drugs 10.45 Think Business 11.05 National Gallery 11.10 World of Difference 11.35 Bobinogi 11.50 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Goglais yn Achub y Dydd 13.00 Clwb Clebr 13.05 Caio 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Clwb Winx 16.30 Mona y Fampir 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends Rachel is irritated when she finds out that her handsome new workplace rival, Gavin, has been invited to her birthday party.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News. 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Taro Is something missing here? Tarot is it? Dunno.

21.00 Diwygiad 04/05 22.00 Talcen Caled 22.55 Y Clwb PelDroed Rhyngwladol 00.50 Going Straight 01.50 Jewish Law 02.50 KOTV Classics 04.00 Extra 2 04.25 Making It 04.30 What's So Good About Jacqueline Wilson 04.45 Changing Cities 05.00 Art Store 1 05.15 Tackling Technology 05.30 Maths Through History 05.45 The Blue Dragon I’m sure these programmes were on last night too...Tell me I haven’t pasted Mondays’ listings on Tuesday ..Argh, fucking Zane Lowe singing along again...As James said, ‘You’re not Steve Wright!’

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy Make way indeed, Noddy is a legend that must be adored and obeyed.07.45 Make Way for Noddy Again, listen when the man speaks.08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Franny's Feet 09.30 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Farm 15.40 FILM: Little Man Tate 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 Nigel Marven's Piranha Adventure Presenter Nigel Marven journeys to South America in search of the world's deadliest fish. This will be awesome! What? It will! Fish are cool. Especially when you go real deep and they start to glow in the dark. 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 The Farm 23.05 The Joan Rivers Position Advice series hosted by Joan Rivers. Joan meets a girl whose breasts won't stop growing and helps a cross-dressing truck driver find the right woman. Fantastic, staying in tonight defo! Wish my breasts wouldn’t stop growing.

23.35 Drastic Plastic: Women 00.25 Angel 01.10 The Great South Run 02.00 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classics: Ward v Burton 02.50 NASCAR Busch Series: Mr Goodcents 300 03.40 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.30 Major League Soccer

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Sensory Overload 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Brand New Little Angels21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.00 EastEnders Jealousy rears its head at the Watts' breakfast table as simmering emotions head for boiling point. Sarah is messing with Martin's head and Alfie has a brainwave. Ah, thought I recognised this - it’s a repeat of yesterday.

22.30 Good Girls Don't Eat, spit OR swallow, kill ants, piss up walls.22.55 The Graham Norton Effect 23.40 Sex, Warts and All Down Under Series focusing on sexual issues. So good that BBC3 insist on 2 episodes EVERY NIGHT! 00.10 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 00.40 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.10 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.40 Slam Poets 02.35 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 03.05 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 03.35 Body Hits

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.45 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.25 Judge Judy 18.50 Ask a Silly Question What is cotton wool made of? When will music magazine Q stop writing about Kylie and Coldplay? What is 345676743643857893678567 3678435709220000126784 multiplied by 8272937567555?

19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies 20.00 King of Fridges King of Fridges? What the fuck?

I want a Smeg fridge, What a superb name for a fridge. 21.00 FILM: Terminator 2: Judgment Day With Arnold Schwarzenegger and Linda Hamilton. (Action, 1991) 23.45 The Frank Skinner Show 00.50 Jerry Springer 01.40 Late Show with David Letterman 02.25 The John Walsh Show 03.05 Teleshopping 05.05 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Need a wee, need a wee.....

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 The Zeta Project 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 FILM: Survive the Savage Sea 12.45 House Sitters 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons While in prison, Sideshow Bob speaks out about the evils of television and threatens to detonate a nuclear bomb unless all TV is completely abolished.

20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stargate Atlantis 22.00 Deadwood 23.20 Cold Case 00.20 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.20 Gamezville 02.10 House Sitters 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love On location in Madrid tonight, featuring Juan and Javier the siamese porn legends. 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.30 Hollyoaks Hopefully we get more scenes with Bombhead and Lee, THE comedy duo of the century.

17.00 Friends Sitcom about a group of six New York friends.

Never heard of it. 17.30 Friends More from the unknown six New York friends. Might have a gander, see what the fuss is all about. 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Perfect Match Editor Gary and my dear friend Jane.

Wonder if they’ll spot this, tee hee! (Yes I did, thank you Katie.

And at 4am I can’t be arsed to change this - Gary) 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 Kings of Comedy 22.30 The Sopranos 23.35 Line Of Fire Series which parallels the lives of FBI agents and the underworld criminals they have sworn to take down.

00.25 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 00.55 Hollyoaks 01.25 The West Wing 02.10 The Sopranos 03.00 Kings of Comedy 03.25 Kings of Comedy: Late Night Nearly finished, woo! Off to the dark side later, the world of Xpress Radio what a traitor.

As S4C except: 06.00 Animal Alphabet Animated show for preschool learners. This programme features the letter `F' for flamingo. Aww, bless! I can think of other things that begin with F, hohoho.06.05 Tales of a Wise King 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 11.35 Decisions 12.30 Cheers 12.55 Frasier 13.25 Home Movies 13.50 FILM: Face of a Fugitive 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away A couple face the choice of a house in a shit-hole in Wales or a place in the Alps. Tough. 18.00 Friends 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Slot: New Home of the Year 20.00 Location, Location, Location 20.30 Too Posh to Wash 21.00 Geldof on Fathers i22.00 Wife Swap Changed Our Marriage 23.05 Ban This Filth 23.40 Six Feet Under 00.45 Nip/Tuck 01.45 Porn: A Family Businesst02.15 Monkey Yes! Are you watching this yet?

PLEASE you MUST!!! 03.05 Kwik-Fit Pirelli British Rally Championship 2004 03.30 Le Mans Endurance

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Sid's Fix It Tuesday: Bob the Builder 15.35 Little Robots 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Stables 16.20 Mona the Vampire 16.35 Shoebox Zoo 17.00 Byker Grove 17.35 Neighbours Susan vows to fight Karl and Izzy for the Kennedy house. A mud wrestle perhaps, we know you used to do porn Susan. Fnarr.

Summer finds and loses her holiday romance.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Toda 19.30 EastEnders Sarah is messing with Martin's head and Alfie has a brainwave: leave the Vic and go back to being a BlueCoat.

Twat.

21.00 A Thing Called Love Last week featured hilarious shag scenes, more tonight I hope. 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life: Dying to Live 23.45 FILM: Isn't She Great 01.35 Sign Zone: The Woods at Wits' End: This Is My Family 02.35 Sign Zone: Horizon 03.25 Joins BBC News 24

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Page 24

October 11th - October 17th 2004

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Your Union

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Kings of Comedy E4 2pm

The Simpsons Sky One 7.30pm

Film: Eddie ITV1 12.40am

Ban This Filth S4C 12.45am

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Chris' Sing-aLong Wednesday: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 16.30 I Dream 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 Ground Force 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 What Not to Wear 21.00 British Isles: a Natural History: Ice Age 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 An Evening With 23.15 Old Big 'Ead: a Tribute to Brian Clough The other week, one daily newspaper had two headlines, one regarding the decapitation of a prison in Iraq, the other the death of Brian Clough. The screaming front page banner?

“Bye Bye Big ‘Ead”. No joke.

23.55 FILM: Air America ** 01.45 Joins BBC News 24, including Presidential Debate Vote John Kerry, he looks like a cross between Ted Danson and Bruce Springsteen!

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 I Love Mummy 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Postman Pat 08.45 Wide Eye 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 The Phil Silvers Show 11.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Birding with Bill Oddie 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 The Flying Gardener 14.30 Golf: Dunhill Links Championship 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 18.45 Spy 19.30 A Year at Kew Roughly equals fifty-two weeks of solid gold ultrasonic tedium. I went there on a school trip in year eight, the day I bought Fuzzy Logic by the Super Furries, strangely enough. I don’t think I’ll be going back unless I devolve into a Jacaranda tree.

20.00 Everest: The Challenge 21.00 Mediums: Talking to the Dead 22.00 Arrested Development Don’t watch this - it’s really rubbish and it’s got nothing to do with the nineties rap troop (of “Mr Wendal” fame) of the same name.22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Fly to Let 23.50 BBC Four on BBC Two: Black Flash: A Century of Black Footballers 01.10 BBC Four on BBC Two: Andrew Watson: Scotland's Lost Captain 01.40 Joins BBC News 24 Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck the Cunting Shit Up My Shitter.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Butterfingers 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Rodney finally admits that he has no feelings for his son. Should think so too.

19.30 Coronation Street Fred's daft challenge brings Ashley to his knees. Fnarr!

20.00 The Bill 21.00 Steel River Blues 22.00 Victoria Wood Moon Walking That’s walking a night marathon for charity, not impersonating Jacko, 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: Raising Cain 00.40 FILM: Eddie Not a Friends spin-off. This stars Whoopi Goldberg and is therefore, by default, wack. ** 02.20 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 03.15 Riders and Rich Kids One way to earn a quick buck, ladies 03.40 World Sport 04.05 Motorsport UK 04.30 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Ridiculous, the entire office just got evacuated for an absestos scare on the 2nd floor. Evacuation fronted by Gary “Fixadent” Rees.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Grudge Match 09.00 Schools: National Gallery 09.05 Life Stuff: Decisions 09.30 Life Stuff: The A-Z of Love and Sex 09.55 The Business 10.20 Dealing with Drugs 10.45 Think Business 11.05 National Gallery 11.10 World of Difference 11.30 Tacteg Gwyddoniaeth CA3 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Ha Ha Mr Drygionus 13.00 Bws Parti 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Traed Moch 16.30 Popty Bach 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Aur y Byd 21.30 Grand Designs Abroad 22.30 Y Clwb Pel-Droed Rhyngwladol Late night repeat of the Wales vs Poland World Cup Qualifier. Either something to savour again and again.

Alternatively, Wales might win.

Arf! 00.45 Ban This Filth So say 200,000 Welsh football fans. I would rather see Wales qualify than England to be completely honest, although mainly because I want to know what Craig Bellamy’s hair will look like on the front of the World Cup sticker album.

01.15 Line of Fire 02.15 FILM: The Day the World Ended 04.00 Ysgolion (Schools) (4.00-6.10): Climbing Cold Mountain TV John went to Bristol on Tuesday. Man, transport in that place is baaaad.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Franny's Feet 09.30 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Farm 15.40 FILM: Guy Hanks ** I don’t have any evidence to suggest this has anything to do with Tom Hanks, but as ever, it’s better not to take the risk.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Mr Hyde humiliates his son in front of the entire school. By not turning back into Dr Jekyll at the right time.

18.30 Family Affairs Geri ends up in bed with Olly after a heavy night at the pub.

The wench.

19.00 five news 19.30 Built for the Kill 20.00 Jennie Bond's Royals The Royroyal correspondant-turned-professional celebrity gushes about her favourite cigarattes.

21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 The Farm 23.05 The Joan Rivers Position 23.35 Female Fantasies 00.25 Major League Baseball I really got into watching Five’s cover of baseball over the summer, especially because they don’t seem to care how little anybody watching it seems to understand.03.30 Madrid ITU World Cup Triathlon 04.20 Dutch Football: AZ Alkmaar v Ajax This week, tunes-wise has been more or less the same as last week: The Arcade Fire album, “Funeral” = immense.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Summer Shocks 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 FILM: Red Heat Red Meat more like. *** 22.40 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 23.10 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 23.40 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 00.10 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 00.40 Liquid Assets 01.35 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 02.05 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 02.35 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 03.05 Sex, Warts and All Down Under Not much information to go on for people who’ve never watched Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves With Chris Crudelli. but it’s a handy, long title, so maybe I’ll be watching Mind Body and Kick Ass Moves With Chris Crudelli more often in the future, and say, “Wow, Mind Body and Kick Ass Moves With Chris Crudelli is great!”

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.35 Judge Judy 18.55 The X Factor 20.00 The X Factor 21.00 FILM: The Hand that Rocks the Cradle *** 23.10 Coronation Street I can’t believe the rancid offal-on-a-hatstand Liz Macdonald is back in the soap at the centre of a threesome sandwich in the Rovers. Obviously she’s the rubbery bacon you taste once and then throw away because it’s a bit salty. Charlie’s the chunky tomato, and Shelly’s just a nasty piece of greasy egg that makes your retch.

23.40 Bognor or Bust 00.10 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.40 Jerry Springer 01.25 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 04.10 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 The Zeta Project 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.55 FILM: The Flood: Who Will Save Our Children? ** 12.45 House Sitters 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons “I can think of at least two things wrong with that movie” 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 The Simpsons “Billy Corgan, thanks to your bleak music my kids have finally stopped dreaming of a life I couldn’t possibly provide” 20.00 Beauty School 21.00 The Real Mrs Robinson 22.00 Tim Lovejoy and the Allstars 23.00 Mile High 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Gamezville 01.50 House Sitters 02.15 House Sitters 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Perfect Match New York 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends As Rachel 21.00 One Tree Hill 22.00 Kings of Comedy 22.30 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 23.00 Green Wing 00.05 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 00.35 Hollyoaks 01.00 No Angels 02.00 Green Wing 03.00 Kings of Comedy 03.25 Kings of Comedy: Late Night God help us. We’ve had to sit in here and listen to Radio 1 all day whilst writing these listings, and I’ve just heard the unbelieveable BORING new Green Day single for the five thousandth time. Why are Green Day suddenly popular again? They’ve just been recycling the same songs for fifteen years, and strangely, like the Foo Fighters, they’ve become seen as new, original and making the best music they’ve done the same, even though it’s the same! Gah!

As S4C except: 06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Tales of a Wise King 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 09.20 Home Sweet Home 11.35 Decisions 12.30 Cheers 3.00 Frasier 13.25 FILM: Millions Like Us 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Slot: New Home of the Year 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Grand Designs Abroad 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.05 Sex and the City 23.40 Sex and the City “Documentary about a writer” it says here. In the same way that TV desk is about information.

00.20 Outside: Coming Up The Baader Meinhof Gang Show 00.50 FILM: Outside: Alt TV Namesakes 01.25 Outside: Snack and Drink 01.35 Outside: Flea Bitten These all sound ace. See front page.

02.00 Freesports on 4: Surfing and Flatland BMX 02.30 KOTV 03.00 ICC Cricket World 2004 03.25 The Porsche Carrera Cup 03.55 British Motorsport 04.20 Speedway Grand Prix 05.15 Countdown

Thursday

October 11 - October 17 2004

Page 25

hurdlerace@cacktactics.net

Family Affairs five 6.30pm

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Nasty Niffs The Kings of Leon story. 20.00 Trauma The TV John listening to The Kings of Leon story.

20.30 Brand New Little Angels 21.00 Fat Nation on Three 21.30 Body Hits: Face Value 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Real Little Britain Documentary which goes in search of real-life versions of the characters and situations featured in the comedy series Little Britain. God help us if they ever find them.

Everyone knows a Vicky Pollard, or at least has shopped in Hypervalue. Can’t say I’ve ever met someone who wants to iron my grandma’s wrinkles though.

23.25 For Better For Worse Boring-sounding documentary about weddings and bickering couples who can’t decide if they want to get married or not. Grow up and smell what you’ve got, you cunts!

00.25 Fat Nation on Three 00.55 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.25 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.55 The Real Little Britain 02.50 Body Hits

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 Rotten Ralph 07.00 Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge 07.05 Tom 07.30 I Love Mummy 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Postman Pat 08.45 Wide Eye 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Watch 10.45 Megamaths 11.00 Words and Pictures 11.15 Words and Pictures 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 World Matchplay Golf 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 18.45 Spy 19.30 Iolo's Natural History of Wales: Wales In The Ice Age Sorry, but I really DON’T have time for Iolo.

There I was watching a perfectly uninteresting documentary about rocks with Alan Titchmarsh, and suddenly it went all “In the regions” on us, and cut to soporific footage of our man Iolo looking at some rocks in Barry with an equally sleep-inducing fringewoman. No thanks! This looks like it’ll be an extended version of that.

20.00 Natural World: Cheetahs: Fast Track to Freedom 20.50 Wild: Tawny Owls 21.00 Horizon 21.50 I'll Show Them Who's Boss 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Reflecting Skin 00.20 FILM: The Tichborne Claimant 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Languages: Susanne

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy Best program on TV at the moment, no question. “Eyyy Judy I’d er like to accuse the defendant y’all to the crime of using my darned lawn mower and then y’all know what she did, she did nuh give it back” - Cue Judy telling them both to sod off, as she does on a regular basis, with the usual panache and deadpan insults.

18.50 Dancing in the Street 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 The Block 20.50 Movies Now 21.00 FILM: The 13th Warrior 23.00 Cheating Spouses: Caught on Tape 00.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.05 Teleshopping 04.05 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha

The Joan Rivers Bandit Position five 23.05pm S4C 22.30pm

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Fun Song Factory This week: The Ketchup Song. What a fun song. 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Scary Sleepover 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show The Liverpudlian “Comedian” gets his own show. Now here’s a rarity: someone who’s MORE funny in drag.

18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Grass Roots 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Holiday 22.00 The Frank Skinner Show With music by Har Mar Superstar. What?

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Frank Skinner Show 23.30 The Guest List Nobsta and Slice play Twister with Darius.

Extreme yoof TV for wankstains, then.

00.00 Soccer Night 00.30 Wolf Lake 01.15 Shoot the Writers Worst show ever.

Twats with nothing better to do write rubbish scripts for sketch shows. Rubbish actors act them, then inbreds phone up and vote for the best. Inexcusable.

01.40 Strictly Soho 02.05 ITV at Reading 2004 03.00Cybernet

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 The Zeta Project 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 FILM: Code Name: Wolverine ** 12.45 House Sitters 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons “Ok this is is real acid we’re working with, so I want to see goggles, people” 19.30 The Simpsons “Don’t smart off to me, smart guy” 20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 2 21.00 FILM: Battlestar Galactica: Part 1 Bollocks for nerds. Sue me.

23.00 Law and Order 00.00 24 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Gamezville 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Grudge Match 09.00 Schools: Life Stuff: Decisions 09.30 A Life of Ecstasy? The Drama 09.55 Losing It 10.20 Embarrassing Illnesses 10.45 Think Business 11.05 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.30-12.00): Life Stuff: World of Difference 11.30 Bitesize Cemeg 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Troeon Tristan 16.15 Crafwr 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Clwb Garddio 21.00 O Flaen Dy Lygaid: Pobol y Cwm Documentary about the legendarily unwatched Welsh soap. Fact fans: Pobol Y Cwm has been around for longer than the channel that’s showing it.

Much like UK Gold in many respects then.

22.00 Mostyn Fflint 'N Aye! 22.30 Bandit 23.00 Geldof on Marriage What the fuck does he know?

00.05 The Sopranos 01.10 Monkey 02.05 FILM: Women Call the Shots: Paromitar Ek Din 04.30 Freesports on 4: Surfing and Flatland BMX 04.55 ICC Cricket World 2004 You know, I could sit here for weeks, and still not make the times and programs line up in the “prime time” section. It’s completely impossible. I wish the radio wasn’t on in here.

14.00 Your Face or Mine?

14.30 Without a Trace 15.30 Perfect Match New York 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends The last ever episode of the nauseating money-ruined sitcom, just incase you didn’t puke enough the last time.

18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Perfect Match New York 20.00 Friends And oh, here it is again. Good business sense to keep repeating an hour long episode of Friends to halve the amount of scheduling there is to do. Lazy fucks at E4.

21.00 Kings of Comedy: Live 22.35 Six Feet Under 23.40 Curb Your Enthusiasm 00.15 Hollyoaks 00.45 The West Wing 01.35 Kings of Comedy: Live 03.05 Six Feet Under Which will be me, if the internet assassins catch up with me regarding illegal file sharing.

What a stupid legislation. Are they only cracking down on people who download big record company produce, or will my collection of indie schmindie bootlegs send me to the slammer? Wait and see!

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Franny's Feet 09.30 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Farm 15.40 FILM: The Plainsman *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Babs has a surprise for Dave involving squirty cream.

That’s what it says here.

19.00 five news 19.30 Big Art Challenge 20.00 20.00 FILM: Nutty Professor II: The Klumps Wow, another chance for me to point out that Eddie Murphy has never been in a good film. Thanks, five.

22.00 The Farm 23.05 The Joan Rivers Position Programs not to watch whilst eating dinner no. 235 23.35 Dumber and Dumber 00.00 John Barnes' Football Night 00.40 Dutch Football: A do Den Haag v PSV Eindhoven 02.10 Argentinian Football 03.40 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.30 Major League Soccer: LA Galaxy v Kansas City Wizards In which the LA Galaxy deploy a variety of interglactic weaponry to outsmart the dudes from Kansas, who operate an entire arsenal of black magic to outsmart and outfox their opponents in a medieval vs 21st century fight to the death. Bugger this.

06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Tales of a Wise King 08.50 The Bernie Mac 09.20 Home Sweet Home 11.05 Tate Modern Great Edward Hopper exhibition in the summer. Loads of the rest sucked literal ass.

11.10 Life Stuff: World of Difference 11.35 Life Stuff: Without You “I can’t liiiiive, if living is without yoooou”, sings somebody who isn’t me. 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.25 Water Stories 13.40 FILM: The Vicious Circle 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Slot: New Home of the Year 20.00 Housetrapped in the Sun 21.00 Sex Traffic 22.55 Make Me a Perfect Wife 23.55 Eurotrash 00.30 Line of Fire 01.25 Porno Valley 01.55 Freesports on 4: Snowboarding and Freeskiing: O'Neill Pro Freestyle 02.20 KOTV Classics 03.15 British Rally Zone 03.45 Honda Formula 4-Stroke 04.15 Trans World Sport 05.05 Countdown 05.50 Angela Anaconda Animated

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Sue's Make and Do Thursday: Big Cook Little Cook 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Rugrats 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 The Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 Byker Grove Kylie persuades Kate to sneak off to a late night party.

Given this is Byker, this will for sure include hard drugs, shoplifting and Kate getting a good pasting from the first townie to gurn at her.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Should I Worry About...?

19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Fat Nation: the Big Challenge 21.00 Canterbury Tales Billie gets her arse out.

And not her husband. Arf! 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Dragon's Eye 23.05 Question Time 00.05 This Week 00.50 FILM: Hollywood Confidential ** 02.25 Sign Zone: Panorama 03.05 Sign Zone: A Year at Kew 03.35 Sign Zone: Terry Jones' Medieval Lives

Moving Day ITV1 2pm

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Friday

Page 26

October 11 - October 17 2004

sabbaticalpesting@nus.org

Your Union

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All About Me BBC1 8.30pm

The Love Boat five 3.40am

First Do No Harm five 3.40pm

Average Joe Hawaii

C4 12.15am

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Nicole's Furry Friends Friday: Binka 15.35 The Koala Brothers 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 16.30 The Basil Brush Show 17.00 Blue Peter From the Centre of Alternative Technology in Wales. A carrot is found useful by Konnie - no batteries needed there!

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Stingray begs for medication to help his condition. No wonder he needs Viagra, poor lamb - Serena’s a sweaty, bucktoothed ho.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 All about Me 21.00 French and Saunders 21.30 Have I Got News for You 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.35 FILM: American Perfekt ** 01.15 Joins BBC News 24 One channel down, lots to go.

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 I Love Mummy 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Postman Pat 08.45 Wide Eye 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 What?

Where? When? Why? 10.45 Watch 11.00 BBC Primary History 11.20 BBC Primary Geography 11.40 BBC Primary History 12.00 The Phil Silvers Show 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 World Matchplay Golf 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 18.45 Scrum V Live: Ospreys v Leinster Kick off at 7.05.

I hate homoerotic sports.

That’ll be most of them then.

21.00 Gardeners' World As autumn approaches, Monty starts to tidy up all the edges and borders by pruning and planting some hedges.

This and Ground Force make me a very happy girl. Ooh, I really fancy Monty Don, the dirty little gnarled-faced gnome that he is.

21.30 Timewatch: The Mystery of the Black Death Not really a mystery, though, is it?

22.20 The Flying Gardener 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review With Jimmy Saville.

23.30 Later with Jools Holland With gay Robbie Williams. Twat.

He’s (allegedly) gay though.

00.30 FILM: A Room for Romeo Brass Sounds like a film about incest. ***** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Hidden Visions 02.30 Lifelines

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Engie Benjy 15.25 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.40 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 15.55 Finger Tips 16.15 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 My Life as a Popat 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Turner gets angry with Steph and she threatens him with the Shelly treatment.

That’s Leeds for a fisting. Zak puts a smile back on Sam's face. Maha, with his king-size dong.

19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald `Self-help' author Rachel Greenwald helps three single young women find Mr Right.

What, are they all going to share him?

Fnnarr!

20.30 Airline 21.00 Rosemary and Thyme 22.00 Tarrant on TV Tits before bedtime. Come on, we all do it. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Chosen Glib fauxhorror.

23.30 Creative Roads 00.00 Dan and Dusty 00.35 FILM: When Danger Follows You Home You know that it’s Michael Jackson behind you.**

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 The Great Pretenders 09.00 National Gallery 09.05 Life Stuff: World of Difference 09.30 Citizen UK 09.55 Winning the Mind Game 10.20 Embarrassing Illnesses 10.45 Think Business 11.05 Tate Modern 11.10 Citizen UK 11.35 A Life of Ecstasy? The Documentary 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Sam Tan 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Uned 5 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends Joey finds a peanut bigger than his penis.

18.30 Rownd a Rownd Meical finally agrees to buy Dani a pet. Little does he realise why she so badly wanted a dog till he sees the speculum and the extra value cans of Winalot.

19.00 Rownd a Rownd 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm It's a very dark day in Cwmderi.

Good thing they’ve got electricity now then.

20.25 Hwyl y Noson Lawen Boom boom!

21.00 Mawr The noise a cat makes when orgasming.

21.30 Housetrapped in the Sun 22.30 Geldof on Fathers 23.35 Kings of Comedy Who will be the King? My bet’s on Rhona Cameron.

00.35 Green Wing 01.35 Will and Grace 02.05 Porno Valley 02.35 Porno Valley 03.05 Honda Formula 4-Stroke Powerboating Championships

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Franny's Feet 09.30 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Farm 15.40 FILM: First Do No Harm Then do me up the ass. ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Sam is gutted to find out about Geri's night with his brother. Ugly, ginger cunt.

A routine check-up at the hospital uncovers worrying complications for Geri. Shouldn’t have tried to have them both at once, love. Stick to working for the UN. 19.00 five news 19.30 House Doctor: Ann's Top Ten! 20.00 How to be a Property Developer 21.00 House Doctor: Inside and Out Ann Maurice gets her flange out in people’s gardens.

Eek. 22.00 The Farm Who goes?

Who cares? Also, I reckon that story about Vanilla Ice and Ron Jeremy is a lie. A big, fat one unlike VL’s cock.

23.05 The Joan Rivers Position 23.40 Sex and the Settee 00.05 PartyPoker.com European Open 01.40 FILM: Curiosity Kills ** 03.05 Short Story Cinema 03.40 The Love Boat 04.25 Melrose Place 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Cold Snap People have sex on an iceberg to see if they get hypothermia.

Instead, they get covered in greenflies. Doh! 20.00 Trauma Something about someone who has an allergy to poppy seeds. Really.

20.30 Little Angels Twats try to control their children. Tip: don’t have them in the first place.

21.00 Grease Monkeys 21.30 Grease Monkeys Me and a gorilla writhe in lard. AKA the sequel to Gorillas in the Ass. 22.00 EastEnders Pauline hears Sarah out - but just how much will she believe? Quite a lot - I mean, old Paul hasn’t had any a while, and even a miserable flange like that is something.

22.30 Outlaws 23.00 Storm of the Century 00.30 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.00 Sex, Warts and All 01.30 Grease Monkeys 02.00 Grease Monkeys 02.30 Outlaws 03.00 For Better For Worse I saw Doctor Who being filmed today. I hoped to get cast as an extra, but no takers, alas.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy Triple bill. But for what reason, I couldn’t say.

18.50 Movies Now 19.00 Orange Playlist 19.30 The Planet's Funniest Animals 20.00 Emmerdale Secrets: Double Acts “Some of Emmerdale's fabulous double acts, including Amos and Mr Wilkes, Butch and Zak Dingle, Marlon and Tricia, Viv and Bob, and Chris and Kim Tate constantly at loggerheads.” Gash.

21.00 FILM: Grease Will Danny pork Sandy? Is the Union on fire? **** 23.15 Coronation Street 23.45 The Frank Skinner Show 00.25 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.55 Jerry Springer 01.35 Late Show with David Letterman 02.20 Teleshopping 04.20 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.25 Trisha

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 FILM: Chernobyl: The Final Warning 12.45 House Sitters 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons Sideshow Bob is released from prison into his brother's care, but it soon becomes clear that the brother has his own agenda. Wha-at?

18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 Shark Tale Special I’ve eaten, thanks.

19.30 Futurama 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 FILM: Battlestar Galactica: Part 2 ** 23.00 Ultimate Sci-Fi Top 10: Robots Number One: Michael Jackson.

00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 The Sharon Osbourne Show 02.40 Beauty School 03.30 Dr Phil

14.00 Your Face or Mine?

14.30 Without a Trace 15.30 Perfect Match New York 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Ross confides a sexual fantasy to Rachel, who can't keep a secret. Of course not, there’s not enough room in her face to hide a secret. Her chin takes up far too much room as it is.

17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Perfect Match New York 20.00 Friends Meanwhile, 20.30 Friends Ross is hoping for some moral support as he prepares to make a speech at the museum, but the others are taking far too long getting ready for the event. Jesus Christ, this was on last week. I want to see The One Where They All Die. Repeat that.

21.00 Faking It: The T4 Specials 22.00 FILM: The Juror ** 00.15 Average Joe Hawaii Who’s Joe Hawaii, and why is he average? No ham? 01.05 Hollyoaks 01.35 Queer as Folk 2 02.25 The Secret Life of Us 03.10 Line of Fire

As S4C, except: 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 09.20 Home Sweet Home 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.25 Water A story about my water bed bursting, injuring Harrison Ford (who I’m sharing it with, duh) and drowning the whole of this goddam city. Then I send Harrison away to have that nasty earring taken out. Stories 13.40 FILM: The Bold and the Brave *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.35 The West Wing 20.30 Friends Chandler and Ross have an internet war. Just put twig-womb Monica on it, fisting herself. (She’s got long arms). 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 Green Wing 22.40 Kings of Comedy 23.40 UK Music Hall of Fame 01.50 4 Music: Popworld 02.40 4 Music: hit40uk 03.05 Freesports on 4: Skateboarding 04.00 Dads Army: The Men who Stormed the Palace 05.00 Countdown 05.45 Animal Alphabet F for felching a ferret. 05.50 Angela Anaconda Filthy Ange has her way with the ten-footer.

Saturday

October 11 - October 17 2004

Page 27

tentinmyoffice@overworked-ed.com

Dangerous Beauty five 1.35am

Sex Traffic S4C 9.15pm

The Joe Schmo Show

E4 10pm

Sex, Warts & All BBC3 1.20am

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 World Matchplay Golf 12.30 See Hear 13.20 The Flying Gardener 13.35 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross 14.05 Cagney and Lacey 14.55 FILM: The Importance of Being Earnest **** 16.30 World Matchplay Golf 17.15 What the Papers Say Depends which one. If it’s gair rhydd then the TV listings will say nothing useful about what is on TV. 17.25 Spy Eight 18.10 Flog It! Until red-raw.

Repeat as desired. Fnarr!

19.10 The Gracie Fields Story 20.10 Magic: Mind Magic This is one of those wanky programmes invariably featuring Derren Brown and his clever tricks. Get a real job. And an ‘A’ in your name.

21.10 Venice: Blood 22.10 On Show 23.00 FILM: Wilde Famous thespian poof portrays famous literary poof. The three stars to the right here indicate a schemel of decency. *** 00.55 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone In this week’s Learning Zone Professor Bastian Springs teaches his young upstart apprentice that schemel is not a word, depsite it sounding “frajistilick”02.30 Blue Haven 03.00 The True Geometry of Nature 03.30 A Language for Movement 04.00 Hotel Hilbert Downmarket rip-off of the Hilton chain. Where the TV desk go for their filthy love-ins. 04.30 Life on a Thread My budget after HMV told me to “go to Botswana” 05.00 Cell City: City Works

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 13.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 15.25 FILM: Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure 17.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather Regional news round-up.

17.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather News update, sports results and weather report.

17.30 New You've Been Framed 18.00 The X Factor 19.05 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.10 An Audience With Harry Hill What happened Harry? First you were a doctor, then a funny late night C4 comic, now you present ‘You’ve Been Framed’ and do pap like this. Adam and Joe would have never sold their souls to ITV. 22.10 Parkinson Jeremy Clarkson and comedian Eddie Izzard. Just when you think you can get away from the wire-haired schpincter boy it comes to soil Parkie’s couch.

23.15 ITV News 23.30 FILM: Beverly Hills Cop With Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold. (Thriller, 1984) **** 01.20 FILM: The Magnificent Seven Ride! ...each other. Shitty sequel.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 GT on 4 07.30 Days of Thunder Racing 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.55 Scrapheap Challenge 10.55 hit40uk 11.25 The OC 12.15 Grudge Match 12.25 Trains with Pete Waterman This actually sounds like on of Alan Partridge’s comeback pitches. Is it A) A programme about railways featuring Pop Idol toss-wagon Pete Waterman or B) The reason Britain’s track athletes’ training didn’t go as well as planned before Athens.

13.30 Atlantic Britain 14.00 Channel 4 Racing 16.30 Force of Nature 17.00 Y Clwb Rygbi Live 19.25 Y Clwb Pel-Droed 20.00 Newyddion News.

20.15 Deri Ddathlu What do we have for entertainment?

An Italian mobster shoots a lobster. Joe Strummer helps to fill up TV Willy’s blank pages. Bless his soul.

21.15 Sex Traffic And to think, my mother always told me the exhaust pipe was was for carbon-monoxide emissions. Oooh, that’s juvenile.

23.05 Robbie Williams: The Show Must Go On I wish it wouldn’t. Does this man really need the extra revenue from a Greatest Hits already? Someone should tell him record sales increase significantly if the performer dies. Ask Johnny Cash.

00.10 Eurotrash Featuring TV Holly’s cameo in “I Loved A Whale, He Loved Me Back” 00.40 Make Me a Perfect Wife 01.40 Kings of Comedy 02.35 FILM: Last Man Standing With Bruce Willis

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 10.55 RAD: The Groms Tour 12.00 Beyblade 12.30 Duel Masters 13.00 Combat Club 13.30 The Chart 14.00 Dawson's Creek 14.55 FILM: Marooned ** 17.20 FILM: The Wind in the Willows With Eric Idle and Steve Coogan. ** 19.00 Charmed TV Willy’s many female admirers discuss how he charmed them with his acidic mixture of a bad sense of humour and inante shyness.

Contains scenes of graphic embarrassment.

19.50 five news and sport 20.10 Britain's Worst DIY'er Another title afforded to yours truly. It once took me a week and half to paint four shelves.

Athough they WERE very big.

21.10 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.05 The Farm They’ve called the last elimation round, get this, The Farmageddon. Despite the apocalyptic name I’m sure the resident M-list celebs will enjoy finally taking their hands out of their favourite bovine.

23.10 The Shield 00.10 PartyPoker.com European Open 01.35 FILM: Dangerous Beauty With Anna Nicole-Smith. *** 03.25 The Love Boat 04.10 The Invaders 05.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 05.10 Sons and Daughters This is either a silly Oceanic soap (we don’t need any of those) or something about a silly Scottish band.

19.00 The Making of Flashmob the Opera: Update This sounds like the strangest thing since Waterman and his bloody trains.

TV John assures me that it’s some gash about Paddington station and some football fans.

Grrrreaaaat.

19.30 FILM: The Truman Show With Jim Carrey and Laura Linney. (Drama, 1998) **** 21.10 Spooks 22.10 Spooks 23.10 The Graham Norton Effect Makes you wear outrageous jackets and befriend elderly ladies.

00.00 Good Girls Don't Push back.

00.20 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.20 Sex, Warts and All Three brothers, Sex, Warts and All set about murdering their parents who blessed them with such ‘distinctive’ names.

01.50 Sex, Warts and All 02.20 Liquid Assets 03.20 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Send your hate mail to TV Willy at nonono@ouch.com

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.15 Quincy, ME 13.15 Quincy, ME 14.15 CD:UK 15.15 Felicity 16.05 Undeclared 16.35 Undeclared 17.00 The Planet's Funniest Animals Humorous video clips of pets and other animals in unusual situations.

17.30 Entertainment Today 18.20 The Block Australia 19.10 Orange Playlist 19.40 The Planet's Funniest Animals Meet Alan, a chipmunk stand-up from North America.

That is so lame. It’d be a lot easier to do these listing if I didn’t delete them all and make up what they are about. As my mother says, “You’ll never learn, William.”

20.10 The Xtra Factor 21.10 The Xtra Factor 22.10 FILM: Play It to the Bone With Antonio Banderas and Woody Harrelson.

00.35 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 01.35 Teleshopping 03.35 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.40 Emmerdale Omnibus There’s been a lot about my mum tonight. What would Freud make of it?

SKY ONE 06.00 Ultimate Sci-Fi Top 10: Robots 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 Malcolm in the Middle 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Malcolm in the Middle 13.30 Malcolm in the Middle 14.00 Gamezville 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons You get the idea by now. Best programme on TV. Sky One is still basing its schedules round Homer and co. If it wasn’t for this and Malcolm in the Middle they’d be screwed.

18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse2 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stargate Atlantis 22.00 FILM: Battlestar Galactica With Edward James Olmos and Mary McDonnell ** 01.30 Street Wars

14.00 hit40uk 14.25 Hollyoaks Omnibus 16.35 hit40uk This is actually the name of this silly new programme. One can only assume, and as a bad journalist that is what I often do, that this is Channel Four’s completely unnecessary Saturday morning music program. Unless they manage to smuggle Cat Deeley away from CD:UK they’ve got no chance.

17.00 Friends 17.30 One Tree Hill 18.30 One Tree Hill 19.30 One Tree Hill 20.30 Friends 21.00 Kings of Comedy 22.00 The Joe Schmo Show 23.00 Bo' Selecta!

23.30 Porn: A Family Business Don’t believe me? Ask my mother.

00.10 Porn: A Family Business Don’t believe me? Ask my...all work and no play and all that.

00.45 Line Of Fire 01.40 The Joe Schmo Show 02.30 Kings of Comedy This week: Joe Pasquale. 03.25 Bo' Selecta!

I’m still in the bloody reject room. Won’t somebody come and save poor TV Willy?

09.55 T4: hit40uk Music show featuring the latest hits and music videos with a countdown of the hit40uk chart and a look at the top five albums this week. Featuring Velvet Revolver and Estelle. 10.20 T4: The OC 11.20 T4: Robbie Williams Live in Cologne 12.55 T4: Kings of Comedy 16.30 FILM: The Belles of St Trinian's One for all the school uniform-toting Freshers out there.

18.05 Unreported World: Hearts, Minds and Souls Special report alerting students about the pesting antics of a gair rhydd news editor 18.35 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather.

19.05 Grand Designs 20.05 Building of the Year: The RIBA Stirling Prize This year the award goes to Cardiff Uni’s Biosciences building/eyesore.

21.10 Robbie Williams: The Show Off Must Go On 22.15 FILM: The Cell Not seen it, but looks unutterably rubbish.

00.10 Green Wing 01.20 FILM: Stickmen With Robbie Magasiva and Scott Wills.

Your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBBC: Astro Boy 07.20 The Mummy 07.45 Arthur 08.10 Taz-Mania 08.35 The Scooby-Doo Show 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Rugby League: Australia v New Zealand 13.40 World Matchplay Golf 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.15 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.35 Just for Laughs TV Willy is banished from the news-room and holed up by himself.

Donations by cheque and postal order only please.

18.05 Only Fools and Horses Yes, folks, this is the one. The one that is on every week where Del gets involved in one of Boycie’s disastrous schemes to hilarious effect. Indeed.

19.35 The National Lottery: Winning Lines 20.20 Casualty 21.10 A Most Mysterious Murder: The Case of Charles Bravo 22.10 BBC News; Weather 22.30 Match of the Day Manchester City v Chelsea. there’s lots of games on, but this is all anyone needs. Watch Nicky Anelka wipe that smug smile from Jose’s face 00.00 FILM: The Legend of Hell House My kitchen, as no-one will wash up.

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20709922

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Five minute fun

Page 30

October 11 2004

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

Q

The Big Quiz* *It’s not that big, and it’s not very clever either.

1. How many pecks of pickled pepper did Peter Piper pick?

A: If pecks are getting pickled, he has a serious problem B: Um...let me count again...

C: Peter Piper? What, like Billie Piper but male? Now that’s just scar y.

2. The best flavour of ice cream is...

A: Tutti Fruitti. What are you? Some kind of weirdo?

B: Vodka. No, hang on, that’s jelly.

C: Cookie Dough. Clearly the only acceptable answer.

D: None of the above. Ice cream questions - we must be desperate.

3. No ‘big quiz’ would be complete without an obligator y mention of Exeter City, the best football team in the world. But who is the manager of this prestigious establishment?

A: Delia smith.

B: Gar y Andrews- he wishes.

C: No-one, because the previous guy fucked off to Reading.

D: Who cares? I promise this will be the last ever mention of Exeter city.

4.

A: B: C: D:

Peter Andre and Jordan should...

Get married and live happily ever after.

Get married and have warped offspring.

Sod off, and leave the world in peace.

All of the above.

5. Who uttered the immor tal line, ‘Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue’?

A: Alan Par tridge B: David Brent C: George Bush D: None of the above.

6. Which of the following best describes Rubber Duck?

A: Something soft to play with in the bath.

B: The most fun you can have on a Wednesday night.

C: A drunken orgy of Cardiff spor ts teams.

D: All of the above.

7. At the spectacle that was the Vice-Chancellor’s speech, what did Editor Gar y assure the crowd that Deputy Jim would not steal from them on the way out?

A: Their virginity B: Their wallets C: Their mothers D: The entire contents of their room, minus the used condoms E: Their student loan cheques F: The crown jewels G: All of the above H: None of the above

Annsummers: 1.a; 2.d; 3c; 4.d; 5.d although one internet site claimed it was from The Office; 6.d; 7.b

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

A gair rhydd meeting and a few pints later I find myself with the enviable title ‘five minute fun editor’.

Hence, I am now faced with the highly prized task of compiling a fun-filled selection of things to entertain Cardiff’s student population, on the rare ocassion that you find yourselves with a moments free time in your hectic schedule of sleeping and drinking. James, who up to this point has been compiling the page at 4am the night before it’s due in, tastefully described it as ‘something for people to read on the toilet’. Words of wisdom indeed. So, whether you’re a die-hard crossword fan or a big quiz addict, let me know what you want to see in this space. Email ideas to grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk, and together we can have 300 seconds of pure pleasure.

In the event of a tie, please ensure you write your porn star name on your entry (you know, the one you get by taking your first pet’s name as your first name, and your mum’s maiden name as your surname). Funniest one wins, and it has to be real.

Yours, Sarah

SIX DEGREES OF...

1

2

3

4

5

6

You know the score. Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in. No prizes are given for being a smartarse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Porn star name: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union. Serious mate, It’s a free curry, like.

Answers: Thora Birch to Scarlett Johansson (Ghost World) to Colin Firth (Girl with a Pearl Earing) to Keira Knightly (Love Actually) to Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Carribean) to Cate Blanchett (Lord of the Rings)

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

October 11 2004

The Phil Collins Photo Casebook WEEK FOUR

Page 31

Dr. Matthew

grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - Phil, Phil, everywhere. Phil, Phil, in your hair

Enthusiastic Stalking Street Punk Hi Matt!!

I was studying in Cardiff University last year and I don't know if I'll be able to survive without your problem's page. We don't

After last week’s Boohbah assault, Phil decides to finish things, once and for all. Taking the stance, he sings “True Colours” at optimum vol-

have that kind of humour in my country and I miss it (I have to finish my degree, so I can't go to live there yet, hehe). Would it be a problem to put it on the Internet or send it to me by e-mail, please?

PS: I'm not that weird greatest Matt's fan of last year.

Anon.

It would be a massive problem, frankly. So massive that it would involve several commit-

tees to begin to cope with the logistics of the initial operation, and even then a budget to match that of the fox-hunting lobby – which is far too much to justify, let’s face it. I bet if foxes still ate chickens and small children they’d vilify Roald Dahl for inflaming a sensitive political issue with his scathing rhetoric about a "Fantastic Fox" and he would have to live in a cave with Rushdie and that guy who wrote something nasty about Phil once. Sometimes I wish all the gods from all the religions would fly down on a big spaceship, call a global meeting, get some kind of PA system wired through the headlights on the ship (which for argument’s sake is blue and silver, very postmodern) and then say things like "WHAT THE PISSING TWAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT YOU BUNCH OF LOONS?!" and "WHAT THE

PISSING BUGGERY ARE YOU EATING THAT FOR? I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO EAT THAT ON SUNDAY YOU BUNCH OF FAT TOSS PANCAKE MERDE (for the French connoisseurs) BIFF!" Of course that isn’t to suggest that omnipotent forces swear per se, but I suppose if I’d just travelled a few million lightyears from an offensively scorching holiday in a super nova I’d be pretty exasperated if the world was concerning itself with a load of FOXES instead of say, the Sudan crisis or fast food in general. They should do that kind of thing, these god types.

"Take that Moore, EAT MY BLUE AND SILVER SPACESHIP!" Are you weird? Probably. Not to worry. I might turn up on the Internet somewhere one day.

"WE OFF LADS? Aye." Matt

“Knickers made me waddle!”

Dear Matt, Ian Watkins explodes in a delightfully non-emo fashion, causing a small earthquake and destroying the remainder of the Lostprophets’ base.

Their work done, and after John Snow finishes up at the lake, the triumphant twosome head back to Switzerland on a small rowing boat.

This is only a minor problem, but it is causing me quite a lot of embarrassment, so please, try as best you can to be sensitive. I bought these really cute knickers, the ones that tie up at the sides. They are not trashy and my boyfriend loves them. Anyway, the other day, whilst I was toddling down Salisbury road, the tie-ups came undone and my knickers fell to the floor, it was quite a windy day so my skirt blew up, causing me to flash to some unsuspecting man on the street. I was horrified beyond belief. Ever since I have been afraid to wear the offending garment, but now my boyfriend has hinted I turn up at his house in just a coat and these knickers. As much as I want to please my boyfriend and have a 'sexual party', as you would call it, I'm really anxious I may suffer

a similar incident on the way to his house. What would you suggest I do to keep the pants up? Thanks.

Mortified 3rd year.

Research suggests that using staples and/or superglue to confront the offending pantypant-pants by virtue of semipermanent attachment to the hip area would often be a winning solution. This research was of course conducted 19 seconds ago and has subsequently revolutionised underwear control in the entire western hemisphere. Any research carried out hereafter is absolutely, without doubt, lying, and I will meet such experimental libel with the force of a thousand iron fists and all the dictators they are/were attached to. Any attempt to sully my groundbreaking, Nobel Peace Prize winning, money laundering scheme will also be more truthful, less painful and certainly better.

It is this sort of pioneering research that earns me such high accolade in the field of Knicker-fastening, but this should not go towards the

impression that I am in fact a horrible beast of androgynous sexual terror, striking moral outrage into politicians and brothels on an international scale. I’m not. I’m just innappropriate sometimes. It’s alright though - the profit garnered from stapling lace to ladies’ legs far surpasses anysaid thing granted by the Department of Health and Thigh Injuries in the last six months.

But this is beside the point, as in this day and age any garments which disassemble themselves under strenuous activity (see: walking) should be burnt on a humanely lit (see: match at arm’s length) pyre and then buried somewhere under a pretty field so that, for centuries after, people and children can sometimes catch the whiff of the odd toasted gusset and have a pheromone identification party.

You are clearly distressed – although I can offer no sincere compassion as you are quite unmistakably a filthy strumpet and should too be burnt on a petrol coated scaffold – remarkably made from wood.

Matt

Nightline : 029 2022 3993.

Happy as pie, Phil goes for a ski, and buys himself a Big Mac. All is happy again, and John flies back to London to do the 7’o Clock news. Party!

The End

Remember folks, thats the number to call if you’re having a real problem. For the rest of you don’t forget to email GRPROBLEMPAGE@CF.AC.UK - I’ll prove to your FACE that I don’t make anything up, and you’ll make me all happy and I’ll dance and sing and punch holes in walls and dance a little more. I like to make over-sized pasta dishes me, they’re alright. Stop reading this little box NOW and save yourself another 30 seconds of mindless drivel in the hip and happening, cynical (and thus oh-so-popular) fashion of your alarmingly ill section editor called Matthew. My glands are up you know, I blame Owain, that’s right Owain, you big man-mountain you, look at my NECK! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! Ahh you’re still reading. Marvellous. I can’t swallow. My god. It’s all going to end. Mummy. Oh god, Mummy.

Godspeed Michael Fish, Godspeed.

A number of allies have pondered whether or not I make up the problems that fly onto this page (as if flown by a number of tame sparrows). Well…I don’t.

Thing is, my email account went and spaffed itself up, and as this problem was rectified two days ago a backlog has appeared, much to my INSANE DELIGHT. So there we are.

Today I’m dancing my boobles away to some new albums, AND mourning the loss of Mr. Fish. The other thing I’m concurrently doing is getting fresh with people who say they’re only arrogant because they’re so insecure. Worst.

Excuse. This. Side. Of. The. Hutton. Report. Go and stick your face in a big fat fire if you say things like that It’s abominable that people would even BEGIN to consider such a load of PISS as a form of self-analysis. OTHERWISE let’s see. This week I saw a couple of AMAZING things (SEAGULLS! HAVING SEX!) but in hindsight they’re not that great. I had a record number of bowel-evacuees yesterday, whilst one day this week I NEARLY fell over, but then I didn’t so it was ok. I nearly considered doing some weeding because this red-clover type affair has appeared in the garden and is threatening to destroy the herbs we established. It looks pretty hard, but at the end of the day it’s a plant and I have lots of sharp things to boff it with.

Tell you what isn’t ok.

Ironing. I’m so awful at it.

It doesn’t make matters easier when the ironing board I use to facilitate such activity is as sturdy as a leper being waffled in the legs with a claw hammer – beyond which the iron itself being so fucking dangerous augments a tricky situation to the point where if I accidentally touch the wall it all falls over and tries to burn my feet from my legs. So then, it all goes downhill into uber-violence and boredom on your part.

Can’t help being rubbish sometimes.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Is Phil going to take over the Gair Rhydd? Possibly.

Joe not back yet Lyn? 0800-CRACKADDLED It’s not me in disguise, but who is it? 0800-SOCIOLOGY I know who you are Griffith 0800-RUBBERDUCK The one profane word never used by Dr. Matt is? 0800-

“

It wouldn’t be fair if I changed it now, I would have teams saying ‘you can’t move the goalposts now’. I totally understand the disappoint Cole’s Column: Words from the AU

Lacrosse Honours

page 34

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ALL ABOARD T No fixtures for months then 24 come along

AFTER A SUCCESSFUL AU Sports Fair, in which the majority of clubs enjoyed a substantial increase in members, university sport really ‘gets down to business’ this coming Wednesday with 10 University clubs and six medical clubs involved in the opening round of BUSA fixtures.

Last year, the University boasted thirty six individuals, who, across a variety of sports, gained national representative honours in BUSA and Welsh University squads and retained the Varsity sports shield in the annual dual with Swansea. With clubs already expressing delight due to an increase in both members and standards in trials, optimism levels are high that Cardiff can improve upon last year’s overall BUSA standing of 14th.

FOOTBALL (Men) – After suffering the agony of a last day defeat to deny them promotion last season and a penalty shoot out defeat in the final of the Welsh Cup, the men’s 1st XI return to the Western Division 2B this season with very much a sense of unfinished business.

Club chairman Ben Thomas stated the 1sts "were keen to gain promotion and make up for the disappointments of last year", and is also optimistic about the number of freshers who came through the trials challenging for first and second team spots.

Knowing a good start is vital, the team will be desperate for a repeat of last year’s opening day when they defeated the Medics 4-1, their same opponents this time around.

FOOTBALL (Medics) – After finishing fourth in the same league as their Cardiff counterparts last season, club captain Ben Stew, while not ruling out promotion, has been quick to state that he feels the first XI’s primary goal this season is to once again compete with the top teams in the division.

He commented, "Our division is a very high standard of football and we are eager to maintain our competitive edge and finish near the top end of the table once more".

The Medics also aim to go one better than last season’s semi final spot in the National Medical Schools competition in London.

FOOTBALL (Women) – Widely regarded as one of the Universities most underrated sports sides. Led by senior Welsh international Emma Jones, the Women’s AFC will be keen to build upon their BUSA play-off place last year, and, like their male counterparts, will be desperate to make

a good start in their tough opening fixture against Plymouth Marjons.

With club president Kelly Turl joining Jones in gaining international honours last year, and a record number of new recruits at this year’s Sports Fair, the ladies will be confident of not only reaching the play offs again but repeating last year’s resounding successes in the Welsh Cup and Varsity shield match.

NETBALL – Having finished mid–table in last season’s Premiership, the addition of several ex-schools internationals and a considerable increase in the standard of this year’s trial games has left club captain Lisa Gwinnet in buoyant mood regarding the club’s aim to go even further this year, "Given our excellent intake at the Sports Fair, including a host of both English and Welsh internationals, I’m extremely optimistic about the up and coming season".

The club certainly has a lively opening day, with the firsts and fourths facing local battles with UWIC and the Medics seconds respectively, while the seconds and thirds face each other in

Evans and new captain Owain Griffiths have set their sights on not only maintaining the club’s position in the Premier Division B this season but challenging for promotion as well.

Griffiths’ aim is to "keep the club moving forward by building on last year’s success". The club is also desperate to regain the Varsity challenge cup after an ill-tempered defeat at the hands of Swansea last year, and will also be keen for improved league positions from the 2nd and 3rd XV, both of whom failed to gain play-off spots in their respective divisions last season.

RUGBY (Medics) – Once again the Medics will be firm favourites to cement their place as Britain’s strongest medical side when they attempt to retain both the BUSA shield and the National Medical Schools’ cup for the seventh successive time.

However, having missed out on points difference to Cardiff University last year, the Medics primary goal will be to achieve promotion to the Premier Division B and, having beaten Southampton University comfortably on two occasions last year, should get their BUSA season off to a winning start when they face them on the opening day next Wednesday.

HOCKEY (Men) – The men’s 1st XI will be keen to build upon their successful season last year in which they tasted victory in the Welsh Universities Cup and comfortably maintained their status in Western Division 1A. However, club President Christian Oliver was keen to stress that all four sides were gunning for promotion, stating, "After an impressive showing at the recent trials, which included a vast number of talented newcomers, all teams involved look very strong contenders."

STICKING TOGETHER: consistently high achievers Western Division 3B. NETBALL (Medics) – Club captain Lex Wonnacot has already signalled her intentions after stating the 1st team were aiming "to go one better" than their creditable second placed finish in last year’s Western division 2B, narrowly missing out on promotion to a strong Glamorgan side.

Eager to cement their promotion credentials early, the Medics 1sts will have high hopes for their opening day fixture at home fellow contenders Swansea institute.

RUGBY (Men) – After gaining promotion as league champions last year, development co-ordinator Adrian

HOCKEY (Medics Men) – Medics begin their season with a tough looking fixture against Glamorgan, determined to improve on last year’s performance and make a challenge for honours in the Western division 2B. They will also aim for an impressive run in the Welsh Universities Cup and National Medical Schools’ Cup respectively. and will be encouraged by a substantial addition of club members at the Medical sports fayre last Wednesday.

HOCKEY (Women) – Early season optimism of club captain Rhian Hampson-Jones was justified when the Hockey Ladies impressively dispatched Whitchurch 5-3 in an early pre-season friendly.

Hampson-Jones believes the club are in a strong position and are "aim-

Photo: Nick Parnell POST CODE: Cardiff’s male and female rugby teams will look to build on last year’s triumphs ing for both first and second team promotions".

The two sides are aware of the importance of good opening day results against Bristol 1sts and the Medic 2nds respectively. The 3rd XI will also be keen to cement their place in Western Division 3B having gained promotion last year.

HOCKEY (Medic Women) – Having enjoyed a large number of new recruits at the medic sports fayre, the medic ladies get their BUSA campaign off to a fiery start this Wednesday with local derbies against UWIC 2nds and

Cardiff University 2nds respectively, with the 1st XI fully aware of the importance of a flying start against one of the league’s strongest sides, while the 2nd XI will be desperate to avenge their 8-1 defeat at the hands of Cardiff University 2nds on the opening day last year.

SQUASH (Men) – The male squash team are determined to go one further than last season’s creditable performance which saw them come within one game of a promotion play-off final (Western Division 1A) and reach the last 16 of the BUSA championship

ment of missing out, but it’s something I’ve inherited and everyone was well aware of the first-come, first-served policy All the fun of the Fair

Netballers vent frustrations

Back Page

Page 34

”

James Cole, October 2004

Issue 770, 11 October 2004 Sport Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs Email: grsport@hotmail.com Website: www.gairrhydd.net

HE BUSA BUS

AU Vice-President Fraser Watson prepares for BUSA. Below

at once. Fraser Watson takes the wheel...

Sport in brief

By Thom Airs

RUNNING MAN

NET PROFIT: aim to emulatMen’s badminton team e women’s su ccess

STARTING ON 11th October, rugby development co-ordinator Adrian Evans will be running a 10 week programme to help all sports people in the university improve their speed and agility.

The hour-long sessions will take place on the Talybont Astroturf pitches on Mondays and Fridays starting at 3pm.

IMG AGM ASAP, OK?

HAPPY DAYS: Men’s AFC hope to top the Western Division 2B. Photo: Riath Al Samarrai knockout round, while the 2nds will be looking to challenge in their ‘all Welsh’ Western Division 2B. SQUASH (Medics) – After a creditable third placed finish in last year’s Western Division 2B, the medics will have high hopes of achieving promtion and will start their opening fixture as firm favourites at home to a Swansea side who narrowly escaped relegation last year.

VOLLEYBALL (Men) – Due to a large number of recruits at the Sports Fair, the men’s volleyball squad will be confident they can make the transition from mid-table finishers to genuine title contenders.

They will also be looking to improve upon last year’s creditable cup run which saw them reach the last sixteen of the BUSA knockout competition.

VOLLEYBALL (Women) – After an outstanding season last year, which saw them claim the Western Division 1A with just one defeat, and reaching the last eight of the BUSA championships, the ladies volleyball squad will start as overwhelming favourites for an opening day victory at home to newly promoted Exeter.

TENNIS (Women) – After several

frustrating near misses, including defeat in last year’s promotion play-off final, club President Michelle Oliver has emphasised the importance of the ladies gaining promotion from Western Division 1A this season, "We’ve been coming so close every year, we really are looking to take that final step". The women begin their BUSA campaign with a tough opening fixture at home to Exeter.

TENNIS (Medic Men) – The men’s medic squad travel to Aberystwyth on the opening day knowing it’s essential they gain an early season victory after last year’s dismal performance which saw them finish bottom of Western Division 2B without gaining a single point.

TENNIS (Medic Women) – The Medic ladies will be hoping to consolidate their promotion from Western Division 2A this season and get their campaign off to a tricky start with an away fixture at last season’s third placed team Southampton.

FENCING (Men) – The men’s fencing squad begin their BUSA season this Wednesday with a fixture against Welsh rivals Aberystwyth, looking to improve upon their lower table finish in Western Division 1A last

tennis team NEW BALLS: Women’sthis year are rw ve hoping for sil

season.

This particular fixture, however, holds positive memories for the side as it was the Aberystwyth Universities Open from which they returned last year with two gold medals and the ‘team of the tournament’ award.

FENCING (Women) – The women’s fencing squad face a tricky fixture away at Plymouth this Wednesday hoping to get their campaign off to another positive start after a creditable season last year that saw them only narrowly miss out on promotion. However, having maintained the majority of their squad, they have every chance of mounting a title challenge this year.

BADMINTON (Men) – After finishing runners-up to UWIC in last year’s Western Division 1A, and suffering an agonising defeat in the final of the BUSA shield, the men’s badminton squad will begin their season with every hope of joining their female counterparts in the southern Premier Division, especially after a substantial addition of club members at this year’s Sports Fair.

BADMINTON (Women) – After a season of near misses which included finishing runners-up in the Premier

Division and reaching the semi-finals of the BUSA championships, there are genuine hopes that the ladies badminton club can this year push on to become the best badminton institution in Britain.

Last season they boasted three regular Welsh Universities representatives, although they will be wary that they face a potential banana-skin fixture on the opening day away to newly promoted Exeter.

BASKETBALL (Men) – The basketball squad will be desperate to bounce back from last year’s nightmare league season which saw them relegated from the Premiership without a single win, and begin their campaign this Wednesday with potentially their toughest fixture away at much-fancied UWIC. GOLF – One of the University’s most successful teams last season, the golf side tee off their first match of the season away to UWIC this Wednesday, with President Rob Skornia in confident mood regarding the club’s aim to challenge for successive promotions.

He commented, "We’ve had a promising turn-out at the Freshers’ Fair and have kept the majority of the team from last season, so I see no reason why we can’t challenge in the Premiership’.

■ grsport will bring you extensive coverage of BUSA results each week. If your team has a story that you want to see in print email us at grsport@hotmail.com

IMG CAPTAINS are reminded that there is a pre-season meeting on Monday 13th October.

The IMG football meeting will take place at 2pm in the Student Development Union on the third floor of the Students’ Union, while the netball meeting will begin at 3.30pm in the Athletic Union (also on the third floor). All captains are expected to attend.

SCHOOL LEAVERS TAUGHT A LESSON CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S first XV rugby team continued their impressive pre-season campaig with a comfortable 17 - 0 victory over Cardiff High School Old Boys.

The firsts’ second successive victory was achieved thanks to tries from Tom Eastham, Mark Westwood and a stunning Nick Scholes-assisted effort from Damian Welch.

Scrum-half Eastham was pleased with the manner of the victory, “To exert the amount of pressure and play the phases we did in such wet conditions leaves the squad full of confidence going into BUSA next week.”

EARLY BATH FOR SPA CARDIFF’S SECOND XV responded to their defeat against UWIC with a resounding 71 - 0 victory against Bath Spa. Left winger Pete Salmon bagged a memorable hat-trick.

DUNNE AND DUSTED DESPITE A BRACE apiece from Tamara and Sarah Dunne the Women’s Hockey team lost 6-5 to Glamorgan University.

Page 34

University Sport

October 11 2004

grsport@hotmail.com

“WELSH SPEAKERS SHOULDN’T HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE” Students’ fury as new look IMG unveiled

By Thom AirsStanton Sports Editor THE CLAMOUR FOR places in this year’s IMG leagues has left a bitter taste in the mouths of many teams.

The AU’s hardline stance means there will be no place for any of the Welsh speaking teams in this year’s competitions.

With 14 new teams in the football competition alone, some well-established squads have missed out on the chance to represent their departments on Wednesday afternoons.

As usual, registering a team was carried out on a first-come, firstserved basis that afforded no dispensation to larger departments or teams with an IMG pedigree.

With an unprecedented demand for league berths this year, some Intra-Mural stalwarts have been left without a place in the competition.

Among the casualties are Gym

Gym, Mathletico Madrid and Sawsa, whose netball captain, Julie Aylen, was angered at the way the Athletic Union handled the signingup process.

She commented, “I don’t see why some departments can enter three teams, it deprives smaller clubs of a place.”

Sawsa representatives took their matter to the AU but were unhappy with the response they received, Aylen told gair rhydd: “They didn’t seem willing to help us. To be honest, they were pretty unhelpful.”

She continued: “If every netball team with a second or even a third team were only allowed to submit one team then it would be possible for more departments to enter.”

Athletic Union President James Cole says he is sympathetic to Sawsa’s cause but insists that changing the rules now would not be feasible.

He commented, “It wouldn’t be fair if I changed it now, I would have teams saying ‘you can’t move the

goalposts now’. I totally understand the disappointment of missing out [on a place in the leagues] but it’s something I ’ v e inherited a n d everyone was well aware of the f irst-come, f irst-served policy.”

Cole, who points out that this year’s Sports Fair was the biggest ever, is aware of the grievances of some clubs and aims to improve the future running of IMG sport.

He commented, “I’ve inherited the current registration system and it just was-

n’t possible to change things this year, but I have listened to what people are saying and I will look into possible improvements.”

Some netballers have noticed that this year’s competition consists of just 18 clubs, six less than in 2003, but Cole is quick to allay fears that the AU are downsizing the leagues, “Last year Carbs were unable to join the leagues but they managed to raise the money to hire another court, enabling more teams to compete.”

Cole has looked into repeating this situation this year but it looks unlikey, “I just can’t facilitate the extension of the leagues.

Unfortunately, there just aren’t any free

“THE AU IS THE BIGGEST IN WALES AND AMONG THE LARGEST IN BRITAIN” AU defends itself and highlights successes

By Ross Whittamn Stanton Sports Reporter THIS YEAR’S ATHLETIC Union Sports Fair was a great success.

Over 10,000 students flooded through the doors of the Great Hall and with over sixty-five clubs to choose from, all those who attended had a considerable choice.

AU President James Cole was primarily the man at the forefront of the organisation of such a big event.

He commented: “It appears to have been more successful than last year because all of the clubs signed up more members than ever before.

It seems that the most popular clubs were rugby and football. Snow sports were also very popular.”

To help improve the administration of the AU, registration was electronic for the first time ever. This new system had very few difficulties

and helped keep waiting times to enough members to run the club and it was not affordable. They could not under 20 minutes. justify the costs for their memCole continued, “I was at the front bers.” of the queue and nobody said that There are currently they had waited longer than 20 over 3,000 members minutes. of the AU but there “The queue limit that are no plans for any was put in place was new clubs to be something that we had formed. “Given the accounted for. merger, an extra 14 With 10,000 peomedic clubs have ple and more than been taken on by the 65 clubs there is always going to be AU. We can’t afford or a queue, that’s just the way it is.” facilitate any more as There were 10 computers and we are overstrained at staff members working, but this is the moment.” something Cole hopes to improve on The AU heavily for next year. “I’d try and get 15 comsubsidises all of the puters if I could. We had 10 but the clubs to cover problem is the cost. I’d make sure we coaching, transhave a trial run the night before, too.” port and other Disappointingly for many, the events. Money is extreme sports club was not at the PHOTO: usually allocated Sports Fair. in accordance “They fell through last year”, Cole Nick to the number explained. “They did not have Parnell

of members in each club. “Sports like sub-aqua and mountaineering require more money than sports like rugby where people can just turn up to play.

“Firstly, we have to take equipment and expenses into consideration. But we do it based on what clubs need and want.”

At present, though, all clubs appear to be happy. Cole continued: “Every budget this year has gone up, despite the merger having increased costs.”

If you have not yet joined the Athletic Union it is only one pound once you have enrolled with a club.

“Our pound is very cheap,” states Cole. “The AU is the largest in Wales and among the biggest in Britain.

Cardiff is definitely in the top 20 universities for sports clubs.”

After the resounding success of this year’s Sports Fair, Cole is hoping that the trend will continue long into 2005.

courts left for us to hire out. Even if another team could stump up the money, there simply isn’t enough room.”

While some football and netball teams face a year without IMG, the first-come, first-served policy has allowed a fresh batch of teams to join or re-join the competition.

History FC return under the Banko FC guise, while new boys Woodville Screamers, Dynamo Centurion and Cardiff Dragons will all compete in a revitalised football competition.

Fresh faces on the netball courts are largely made up of added B and C teams but Engin Girls will be an unknown quantity as they join the leagues for the first time.

James Cole is proud of what he describes as “the biggest and best IMG structure in Britain” and while some pillars of the inter-departmental community have been removed, a fresh quotient of teams promise to make this year another enjoyable season.

By James Cole AU President THE SUCCESSFUL introduction of the new electronic registration system at last Friday’s annual Sports Fair has ensured the Athletic Union has continued to increase its numbers.

Alternative dates for registration allowed vast numbers of students to join the AU and many clubs have expressed their delight at the high levels of new members.

The Fair attracted mass interest from both freshers and current students, proving that willingness and enthusiasm to participate in sport is very much alive and kicking throughout the university.

Predictably, the IMG stall provided its annual 30 minute rush of anxiety and adrenaline as captains, many of whom had queued up long before the opening time, poured in to register their sides on a first-come, first-served basis.

Once again, places disappeared in the ‘blink of an eye’ as the popular competition continues to attract teams, players, and controversy in abundance.

The fair has left the AU to prepare for another hectic, but hopefully successful, year of university sport and a reminder to those yet to register for a sports club but still wishing to do so, it is not too late to contact your relevant clubs or the Athletic Union.

I’d like to wish the best of luck to teams competing in the opening round of BUSA fixtures this coming Wednesday and all clubs a successful sporting year.

October 11 2004

University Sport

Page 35

grsport@hotmail.com

CHICANE, WE SAW, WE ALMOST CONQUERED

By Ashley James Sports Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY furthered its sporting reputation over the summer as students from the school of engineering finished sixth among the British teams competing in the 2004 Formula Student competition.

This also placed the Cardiff team twenty-sixth internationally out of the 81 teams participating from 21 different countries, including Australia, Japan and the USA. The competition, which challenges the teams to produce and race a single seat racing car, saw five drivers compete in the hot-seat for Cardiff.

Joe Vernon, Adam Covell, Duncan Manning, Richard Elliott and Chris Morris were supported by 12 further team members who contributed design and technical skills.

Cardiff’s team advisor, Dr Karen Holford, was quick to praise the achievements made by the team, stating, “I couldn’t be more proud of this special team of students.

“They have shown commitment and passion as well as superb design skills.”

Holford was particularly enamoured by the courage of the team, commenting, “They dug deep when things

looked bad and didn’t let minor problems like two blown engines hold them back – they just turned the music up, kept the humour going, worked all night and finished the job.

“Above all, they were excellent ambassadors for the university and I’m sure they will all be successful in whatever they choose to do in the future.”

In a competition that is judged on several criteria, such as static events (design, cost, manufacturing and marketing) and dynamic events (sprint,

skid pan, acceleration and endurance), which test build quality and racing performance as well as the skill of the drivers, Cardiff achieved the highest possible marks in both the cost and manufacturing events. This helped them to the superb overall position that they eventually achieved.

In recognition of the team’s success they exhibited the car at several attractions over the summer including the National Eisteddfod at Newport and at the Wales Rally GB.

SPEED DEMONS: Drivers power to success

Euro action for Cardiff Lacrosse stars represent Wales in Czech Republic but return home defeated

By Matthew Ramsden Sports Reporter THREE CARDIFF University students have recently returned from competing for Wales in the Lacrosse European Championships held in the Czech Republic.

Andy Morgan, Roy Peters and Rosie Poigner all competed in the two week competition held in Prague, which saw twelve nations compete in both male and female competitions.

Although finishing bottom of their group, the men’s team were competing in the group of the top six nations and faced tough games against established nations such as Germany and eventual winners England.

The Welsh women’s ‘A’ team were more successful, however, winning their competition with Rosie Poigner’s ‘B’ team also competing competitively.

In the men’s competition, it was a battle of Britain victory against the Scots which enabled the Welsh team to return home with some bragging rights, and also focus with optimism on the World Cup to be held in 2006 in Canada.

Cardiff lacrosse president Andrew Morgan commented, “We had quite a young team with lots of inexperienced players, so really we’re building towards the world cup.”

Second year mechanical engineer

Morgan, who also plays for local team Penarth, also remarked on the high standard of the competing teams.

“There are now a lot of very good teams across Europe - the English, Czechs and Germans are strong. but emerging nations like Finland also mean every game is very competitive”.

It was a battle of Britain victory against the Scots which enabled the Welsh to return home with the bragging rights A successful example of the university’s bursary scheme, Morgan was keen to encourage students to participate in a sport that receives very little national recognition through the media, pointing out that most of the university players were those who were playing the sport for the first time.

In a sport where emerging nations such as Latvia are beginning to contend, lacrosse seems to be a sport with a competitive future, especially with the looming prospect of the competent Americans and Canadians in 2006.

gair rhydd

EURO-THRASHED

Wales defeated but Cardiff stars return hopeful from European lacrosse Championships See page 35

BUSA PREVIEW gair rhydd sport look ahead to an exciting season of BUSA action See pages 32 and 33

“Places disappeared in the blink of an eye.”

See Page 34

PHOTO: Thom Airs

A RO A R I N G FAIR TRADE

Record numbers attend the AU Sports Fair but success marred by IMG controversy EXCLUSIVE

By John Stanton Sports Editor A WEEK THAT HAD promised to be one of the most successful in the Athletic Union’s history was marred by controversy and student unrest.

More than 10000 students piled

into the Great Hall for the annual Sports Fair – the highest recorded attendance in the event’s history.

Such booming numbers provide much hope for the University’s BUSA hopes and AU President James Cole declared himself delighted with the event’s success.

However, controversy once again raged over the organisation of the IMG competitions.

The inter-departmental leagues

will this year have no Welsh representation, much to the disgust of Gym Gym football captain Rhys Hughes.

He commented, “I’m very disappointed with the whole situation.

Cardiff University should definitely have a Welsh society team in the IMG. “We’re all Welsh speakers and shouldn’t have to go somewhere else to play our football.”

Hughes was also furious with his

treatment by the Athletic Union, “They just didn’t seem that interested.

I got the impression they weren’t really bothered.”

These claims of unfair treatment were echoed by SAWSA’s netball captain Julia Aylen, “We went to see the AU but were told that they wouldn’t do anything.”

Netball’s IMG exiles have taken matters into their own hands and have set up a “splinter league”, set to take

place every Saturday, commencing on October 16th.

Aylen continued, “Sadly, we’ve had to resort to going over the heads of the AU to ensure we can play our weekly netball game.”

This new breakaway league will contain the likes of IMG regulars SAWSA, Economics, Gym Gym and the Christian Union.

Full story: Page 34 View from the AU: Page 34

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Sunday

Page 28

October 11th - October 17th 2004

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Wedding Stories BBC3 10.30am

Building Of The Year

S4C 1.40am

America’s Dumbest Criminals E4 1pm

Will Penny five 3.40pm

06.00 Breakfast 08.10 Match of the Day 09.30 Breakfast with Frost 10.30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.30 Countryfile 12.30 The Politics Show 13.35 EastEnders 15.25 The Blue Planet 16.25 Shoebox Zoo 16.50 Points of View 17.10 Songs of Praise 17.45 Last of the Summer Wine Larfs galore as Maurice gets worried about his bicycle. I’m rolling around all ready.

18.15 Rolf on Art I’d rather see Rolf on a roof.

19.35 Antiques Roadshow 20.00 BBC News 21.00 Monarch of the Glen 21:30 Himalaya with Michael Palin: Annapurna to Everest 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Your Child's Been Stabbed that will teach ultraambitious parents not to enter their little ones in fencing competitions without forking out for the correct protection.

22.55 On Show After years of hiding herself away from prying eyes, Pauline Quirk finally, ‘gets ‘em out for the lads’.

23.25 FILM: High Heels and Low Lifes Or: How TV Holly learned to stop worrying and love TV John and TV Willy. ** 00.55 Joins BBC News 24 I wish I could join BBC News 24. I’m sure it’d be infinitely more interesting than forcing myself to stick together a few half-witty comments week-in, weekout.

07.00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 07.05 Scooby-Doo and ScrappyDoo 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Style 11.30 Sunday Grandstand 11.35 World Matchplay Golf 12.30 Rugby League: Super League Grand Final 13.10 Australian Motorcycle Grand Prix Bikes just don’t do it for me.

13.45 World Matchplay Golf Nor do balls for that matter.

17.30 Scrum V 19.00 Get a New Life Why would I possibly want to get a new life when my current one involves being stuck up here with nothing to entertain me except the beloved editor’s snake. His toy plastic one, you rum buggers.

20.00 Who Rules the Roost? If you were like me, and let’s face it literally dozens of people are, you may have noticed some of the text in these columns is of a different size. If it’s annoying you, it’s definitely annoying me. Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

21.00 Motherland: Moving On 22.30 Match of the Day 2 23.15 Room 101 This week TV Willy would like to put into Room 101 old tired programming concepts that have long since passed their sell-by-date. Even with the introduction of a funnier new host.

23.45 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 00.15 FILM: Sugartime With John Turturro and Mary-Louise Parker. (Romance, 1995)** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills in Construction There’s about ten episodes of this on tonight. So get drinking the coffee.

06.00 GMTV 09.55 Art Attack 10.20 Finger Tips 10.30 The Championship 11.15 The Ark 11.45 My Favourite Hymns 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.15 Speed Sunday 15.00 World Rally Championship 16.00 FILM: The Battle of Midway Provocative docudrama chronicaling the power-struggle at Midway Software, the Chicagobased developers of games such as MLB Slugfest and NBA Ballers.*** 18.25 ITV1 Wales News 18.40 ITV News 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Cracking episode of Corra tonight. I’ll keep you in suspense unlike the spoilsport Radio Times.

20.00 Heartbeat Why does my something, baby kisses me. Still on?

Still?

21.00 Midsomer Murders 23.00 ITV News 23.10 The South Bank Show Melv talks to Bastian Springs, best-selling author of ‘Up The Bum in Nagasaki’, now a major motion picture starring Kenneth Brannagh.

00.10 It's My Life 00.55 Motorsport UK 01.20 World Rally Championship 02.15 Building the Dream 02.40 Trisha 03.35 Today with Des and Mel Today? at three in the morning?

You must be ‘avin a larf!

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 ICC Cricket World 2004 07.25 Honda Formula 4Stroke Powerboating Championships 07.55 Weird World of Sport 08.25 Me and My Bike 08.30 Chancers 09.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.00 Maniffesto 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 FILM: Rising Damp ** 14.50 Stargate SG-1 15.40 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 16.30 Too Posh to Wash While not strictly posh (although he is from down south) our esteemed editor is currently sleeping in his office. The smell could be briefly described as ‘flangey’ Pnarrr.

17.00 Welsh in a Week A bank manager is taught to speak Welsh in a week. To be honest I’ve been here over a year and I can manage about three words.

Araf, Heddlu and, erm, Araf.

Ignorant bloody English.

17.30 Newyddion News.

17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Byw Ar Y Ffin: Emyr Humphreys 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Ar Dy Feic Speaking of which, an office debate is currently taking place as to whether Wales is better than Ireland or vice versa. All we can agree on is that England is rubbish. Except for Manchester. Manchester is great.

21.00 Talcen Caled 21.50 Newyddion News.

22.05 UK Music Hall of Fame 00.10 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 01.10 Kings of Comedy 01.40 Building of the Year: The RIBA Stirling Prize This was on yesterday. Lazy, lazy, lazy.

02.40 FILM: Women Call the Shots: Saaz

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.50 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.20 Milkshake! 07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 FAQ 12.35 The Great Artists 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 FILM: Columbo: Troubled Waters *** 15.40 FILM: Will Penny Will Penny what? Eat the sticky biscuit. Arf. 17.45 five news 18.05 FILM: Three Men and a Little Lady * 20.00 FILM: Practical Magic With Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock. I assume this means magic that does thing like clean dishes. I wish had that kind of know how. Our kitchen is an absolute shitter. Oh how I miss the trappings of home. In fact, oh how I miss the trappings of shitting Talybont.

22.00 The Farm 23.05 Peter Kay Live at the Top of the Tower Lancashire comedian Peter Kay performs his standup routine at Blackpool Tower.

Being one of about three northerners in Cardiff I recommended Mr Kay’s witty repertoire 00.20 PartyPoker.com European Open 01.35 Major League Baseball 04.45 Golf: Jebel Ali Challenge 05.35 Motorsport Mundial I think I have repetitive strain injury in my pinkie finger. Owwwwwww.

19.00 End of Story 20.00 Liquid Assets: Duran Duran Crappy 80s band who have dragged their big fanbase into the 21st century. Rubbish, rubbish and rubbish. But what do I know for I am nothing but a lowly TV jockstrap licker. 21.00 Who Rules the Roost Now? 21.30 Wedding Stories 22.30 Grease Monkeys Somebody stole all the good Neighbours jokes last week. Damn their hairy hides. 23.00 Grease Monkeys 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Sex, Warts and All 01.00 Sex, Warts and All 01.30 Wedding Stories A hilarious look at people who were ceremoniously (geddit) ditched at the alter by their wife/husband to be. Sad fuckers. 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 End of Story So that’s it for another week of TV. Same old faces, same old friends, same old faeces. We’ll be back next week featuring more of your favourtie inane banter. Toodlepip.

09.25 The X Factor 10.35 The Xtra Factor 11.35 The Xtra Factor 12.35 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 13.40 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.55 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway If anyone in the country is watching this then Suzanne Forward is watching this. You know who you are.

20.00 The X Factor 21.05 The Xtra Factor 22.05 The Xtra Factor 23.05 Coronation Street Ashley and Claire suffer the curse of Mother Nature. That’ll be being born with a ridiculously highpitched voice and silly hair then?

23.35 The Frank Skinner Show Like Maggie Thatcher, this one got old a very long time ago. Oh how I long for the days of Weekly Fantasy Football on BBC 2.

00.35 Undeclared 01.00 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 Something to keep me and my housemates warm on a cold Sunday night.02.00 Orange

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Malcolm in the Middle 13.00 America's Dumbest Criminals 13.30 Sky Travel Shop 14.00 Instant Guide: Robbie 14.30 Robbie's Top 10 Boston Beefcakes. Don’t ask.

15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Oliver Beene 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Hex 22.45 Mile High 23.45 Time Gentlemen Please 00.15 Cold Case 01.10 Law and Order 02.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Afterburn

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.00 The Next Joe Millionaire 17.00 Friends 17.30 T4 Movie Special: Shark Tale 18.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 18.30 The OC Now incoporating Sunset Boulevard & BH90210 19.30 One Tree Hill If there were, say, seven trees, in a row, it would be called an avenue.

Now don’t ever say TV Desk isn’t informative.

20.30 Friends Can someone who didn’t once write for TV desk write us a letter to commend us on the sterling job we have been doing.

21.00 The Joe Schmo Show “Who is Joe?” 22.00 The Sopranos Best nonSimpsons programme ever.

Think it’s a newie but worth rewatching anyway.

23.10 Six Feet Under 00.10 Curb Your Enthusiasm 00.45 The OC 01.35 One Tree Hill 02.25 The Sopranos 03.15 Curb Your Enthusiasm I never really had that much. After three weeks of this, I feel it has positively been beaten out of me.

06.00 Animal Alphabet ‘U' for ukari, a South American monkey.

Well I never knew that 06.05 Tales of a Wise King 08.25 Le Mans Endurance Series 2004: Inside the Mind of a Sportscar Team 08.55 T4: T4 Movie Special: Shark Tale 09.25 T4: Popworld 10.20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.55 T4: Kings of Comedy 13.30 T4: Chancers 14.05 T4: The OC 15.05 T4: Friends 15.35 T4: Smallville 16.35 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.30 Trains with Pete Waterman What. The. Fuck?

18.30 Scrapheap Challenge 19.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather.

20.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune Like Wales, often starts well but inevitably fades away towards the end.

21.00 UK Music Hall of Fame No doubt featuring a Mr R. Williams and other ‘icons’ the sycophants at Channel 4 will honour. 23.10 Sex Traffic 01.00 FILM: Mani Ratnam Presents: Kannathil Muthamittal