gair rhydd - Issue 771 by Cardiff Student Media

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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

BUSH WHACKED

ISSUE 771. October 18 2004

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Local letting agents set to be sued over bond outrage

SEE YOU IN COURT By Dave Doyle News Editor A LOCAL letting agent looks set to be brought to court amid allegations of illegally withholding housing bonds from former student customers. Nick Reagan Property Services (NRPS) faces two potential court cases involving students living in the Cathays area. However, the firm’s owner Nick Reagan has told the gair rhydd that the students’ allegations are untrue. The first case centres on a group of students who decided to move out of the house they had let from NRPS at the end of their contract. One of the tenants at the house, Emily Knightley, has complained that NPRS did not return her bond even though she followed the procedures stated in her contract. This involved arranging for the house to be inspected with all the tenants present. Ms Knightley told the gair rhydd that her landlord was due to inspect the house on 30 June but he didn’t turn up. She then went to his office where she was told that he wouldn’t be inspecting the house that day and

that therefore she would not be given the bond. “We were then told that it was normal procedure to have to wait as long as 4-6 weeks for the bond to be returned, despite the fact that our contract stated that the bond would be returned when the contract was completed, when the keys were

handed over,” she said. Nick Reagen denies these claims. “They made an appointment, we went there, they weren’t ready,” he said. When the students found out they would not be getting their bonds back immediately, they decided to take legal action.

FACING COURT: Nick Reagen Property Services We are still waiting to hear the “On July 19, we had heard or result of this but we hope that the received nothing and so took out a money will soon be returned.” county court claim online for the Another case involving problems bond. Within three days we had retrieving bonds from NRPS also each received a cheque for £220,” looks set to come before the courts. said Ms Knightley. She went on to Former tenants of a house in say: “We did not however receive Flora Street claim that £220 was any of the court expenses also claimed for, so took out a judgment.

Continued on p.2

News

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

HUNG LIKE a glance

News Letters Taf-od Health Media Carrie Opinion Politics Jobs and Money Competitions Five Minute Fun Television Listings Problem Page Sport

1 7 8 9 10 11 12 14 16 19 20 27 36 38 39

EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Ken Griffin, Robbie Lane NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION TV Holly, Will Dean, John Widdop, Katie Brunt LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell 5 MINUTE FUN Sarah Bayes JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, AJ Silvers PROOF READERS Katherine Mallam, Hannah Perry, Carly Sharples, Rachel Browne, Jane Eyre CONTRIBUTORS

Nadia Sam-Daliri, Dan Ridler, James Watkins, Sally Airey, Spohie Robehmed, Pat Gorman, David Barry, Will Carson, Charlotte Styles, Tom Scobie, Simon Clode, Rebecca Mason, Bethan Samuel, Catherine Gee, Andrew Rennison, James Emtage, Rachel Browne, Jimi Williams, Alan Johnson, Matthew Collinson, Ed Jones, Kara Dowson, Fraser Watson, Ross Whittam, Matt Ramsden, Jo Roberts

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

A NORSE By Nadia Sam-Daliri Reporter MALE INSECURITIES about penis size may not be a modern phenomenon according to Cardiff University lecturer Carl Phelpstead. Dr Phelpstead had his paper, ‘Size Matters: Penile Problems in Sagas of Icelanders’, presented to the International Medieval Congress in July, and published in the Guardian this week. According to Phelpstead, Viking warriors were ridiculed by men and women alike if their private parts were considered inadequate. Problems of impotence or other erectile dysfunctions not only had an effect on mens’ sex lives and ability to procreate, but also held enormous social stigma. Evidence was drawn from Old Norse-Icelandic literature, as well as suggestive phallic rock carvings from Norway and Sweden. Religious ceremonies, which centred around images of the phallus, were common according to Phelpstead. Past Scandinavian societies may

even have functioned under a more equal gender system, where people were not defined as male or female, but rather as physically able or unable. Phelpstead claims that the article in the Guardian “makes several errors and is misrepresenting” the facts. He also feels that the article missed the point of his study, which attempted to consider whether modern psychoanalytical theory could be of use in analysing these saga narratives about penile problems. He suggests that Freud’s ideas of castration anxiety do not fit in with early Icelandic modes of thought. These revelations about our European ancestry may help explain why Western societies have a preoccupation with the size of male genitalia. However, the paper also claims that it was considered equally as shameful to have an oversized penis as it was to have an undersized one. With this fact in mind, obviously modern societies have not adopted all the thought processes of Old Norse civilisations.

Promises, Promises Plans for higher education revealed By Dan Ridler Reporter THE RECENT political party conferences have once again brought into question the best way to proceed with the future of higher education. At their conference in Brighton, Labour remained adamant about their policies. Education seceretary Charles Clarke claimed that “Labour would face up to tough decisions”. This will include the controversial plans to introduce topup fees, which could burden students with an extra £3000 a year. The Conservatives and Liberal Democrats propose to scrap top-up fess, claiming they are an unfair extra tax on the student. David Davies, a Welsh Conservative and Assembly Member, attacked top-up fees saying: “Labour’s tax on learning has betrayed students across Britain. Blair’s pledge on education comes with a price tax.” Though Welsh universities are not yet subject to top-up fees their introduction is still being debated.

The Conservatives have criticised Labour and their treatment of top-up fees in Wales for being slow to reveal their plans and for refusing to admit they plan to introduce top-up fees here. They claim Welsh students have been left in limbo. Michael Howard’s party went further than just proposing to ban topup fees. If voted in, they allege they woiuld scrap the government’s 50% participation targets. Howard says this would cut down on the red tape he claims is now a “deluge”. The rival parties have responded to this by suggesting that the Tory manifesto is in line with an elitist policy to prevent those from less privileged backgrounds succeeding in higher education. The Conservatives have also proposed to increase taxation after students have left higher education; something Labour again claims will be a deterrent to poorer applicants. Following the conferences, the BBC ran a poll in several central London colleges. The results showed that the majority of students did not feel the politicians would deliver on their words.

FREY: The Norse God of Pleasure

Student bond outrage Story continued from Front withheld without any explanation. Mr Reagan says the deduction was made to replace a missing desk and chair, to fix a broken door and to clean the house. The five girls allege that they were not made aware of the different costs. One tenant said: “That’s the first I’ve heard of it, they only told us about the desk, they haven’t got in touch with us at all.” Former tenant Sophie Goodrich told gair rhydd that she was called by NRPS, after leaving the house, about the missing desk. But she insists that no desk was stolen and that when she called NRPS back three weeks later she was told that the issue had been resolved. The five students are also angry that NRPS took no inventory and consequently there is no proof of what furniture there was in the house. But Mr Reagen said that an inventory of the furniture in the house had been made. When told that the residents claim they weren’t present at any inventory he said: “It doesn’t matter anyway, they know there were five desks there.” At the time of going to print he was unable to provide gair rhydd with a breakdown of the costs involved with exception of the desk, which he said cost £85. Any students having trouble with bonds should visit the student advice centre on the third floor of the students’ union.

Unlocked doors inviting crime By Dave Doyle News Editor THE POLICE are warning students to lock their doors, as recent statistics show around 300 student homes were burgled last year. 48% of these crimes occured when the residents left doors or windows unlocked. When a police report finds this to be the case, the insurance claims become invalidated. PC Bob Keohane told gair rhydd that teams of burglars walk around Cardiff trying door handles. Once inside, the layout of a sudent house means that a thief can access property in the front bedroom without disturbing residents in the rest of the house.

Another tactic employed by thecriminals is to knock on a front door to see if there is anyone inside. If the door is answered then the thief will ask for a random name and leave. Recent incidents have involved a Cardiff student being woken to find a burglar at the end of her bed and the theft of one student’s £4,500 oboe. Most burglaries take place between 7pm and 3am on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights when most students are out. PC Keohane warns students to be more vigilant. He said: “Although it’s a pain in the arse you’ve got to lock the doors.” He also said the police would be working closely with landlords to improve security for students.

Students benefit from housing help expert By James Watkins Reporter HELP WAS at hand for students with housing problems at an open door session last Monday. Dissatisfied tenants were given the opportunity to gain free, confidential advice from Russ Sykes of the Housing Help Centre.

Mr Sykes said: “We’re very pleased with how its gone.” “One of the main issues is wih landlords withholding bonds. We would advise all bills are settled and the house is left in a clean state at the end of the tenanc.” For students that missed the opendoor session, the Housing Help Centre is availible on 02920 871448.

News

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

Lame-ar By Sally Airey Reporter SINGER LEMAR disappointed his fans at Cardiff University after he arrived over three hours late for this year’s Freshers’ Ball on Saturday night. When the singer eventually arrived, his 20 minute set was greeted with a chorus of faint boos, that echoed around the Students’ Union’s Great Hall, from disgruntled Freshers. Lemar, who was due on stage at 11pm, had his soundcheck at 8pm as planned. He then returned to his hotel but only returned to the university at 1.40 am. The singer later claimed that he had got lost on the way to the Union. Cardiff Students’ Union’s Events Manager, Josh Westaway, said that the night was a success but he was annoyed about Lemar’s late appearance.

"There was nothing we could do about Lemar’s lateness but he did end the night on a high," he said. Lemar’s agent has submitted an apology to the union for the delay which was caused by "circumstances beyond our control". This is not the first time Lemar has made a late appearance. Fans were left waiting at a concert in Shepherds Bush Empire in London in March of this year and then again at St. David’s Hall in Cardiff in June. But the guest appearances at the ball from Pat Sharp, DJ Hanif, Big Keith from BBC2’s The Office and Bez from Happy Mondays went as planned and kept smiles on the Freshers’ faces. Before his success in the music business, Lemar had actually planned to study at Cardiff University. After acheiving BBC at A-level, the pop star was accepted on to the pharmacy course at Cardiff.

News in brief By Will Talmage News Editor

Cambridge Kebabs Over 8,000 Cambridge University students, both past and present, have signed a petition to save a popular kebab house in the city centre. Famous figures including actor Stephen Fry and former Conservative Minister Michael Portillo have also signed the petition to save the Gardenia Restaurant. The local council has been swayed from its plan to close the kebab house known affectionately by students as ‘Gardies’. LEMAR: 50/50 chance of showing up

Police have beef with burger vans Unlicensed burger vans trading outside the Students’ Union have come under attack by the police again By Sophie Robehmed Reporter

RAT BURGER: Do you want onions with that?

THE POLICE plan to deal with the burger-vans that have continuously been problematic outside the union, by the issue of ASBO’s (anti-social behaviour orders). These notoriously controversial mobile fast food vans have previously

Photo: Pat Gorman

Little Britain in the Big Country

The stars of the hit television series Little Britain descended on Cardiff last Tuesday as part of a promotional tour coinciding with the release of the first series on DVD. Both David Walliams and Matt Lucas attended the event held at Virgin Megastore in the Capitol Centre and were greeted by hundreds of adoring fans.

grabbed the headlines of gair rhydd this year for causing danger to the general public. Footage from CCTV cameras surrounding the Students’ Union have revealed shockingly poor foodhygiene standards. On another occasion, a student was a victim of a burger-van trader stabattack behind the union. These escalating problems have led to the police taking decisive action against the rogue traders. On a request from Licensing Section South Wales Police, when the burger-vans now approach the police should be contacted in the conventional way. Following the arrival of the Police, Duty Managers must identity themselves to the Officials and ask that this issue be treated under ASBO and a statement should consequently be taken. Tom Gough, Campaigns and Public Relations Officer, said: “The Students’ Union is working closely with the Police to address the problem of burger-vans…both the Students’ Union and the Police look forward to positive results.” Following the problems with the burger vans, the union has considered introducing its own takeaway service. Although no plans have been confirmed, the possibility continues to be investigated.

If you are interested in writing for gair Rhydd News then come along to the 4th floor of the Students’ Union at 2:15 on Mondays

Parents beating the system Middle-class parents have been given a blueprint on how to get their children into the best Universities. The guide, published by The Economist magazine, is a flowchart advising parents to improve their child’s chances of being accepted by switching from private to state education in the sixth form to make them more appealing to admissions tutors.

Women are better drinkers than men Male drinkers are much less capable of maintaining self control, compared to women. A recent study by a scientist at Kentucky University has concluded that men’s loss of inhibitions is up to three times greater than that of women with the same concentration of alcohol in their blood.

Raising the bar Law students are being priced out of the profession due to ever increasing costs. The Attorney General has revealed the very real possibility that the “Bar” could return to being a profession “open only to the rich and priveleged, such are the entry costs now facing students.” Lord Goldsmith, QC, has said that he is “very concerned” about the financial problems that young people face, some of whom are beginning their careers with up to £20,000 worth of debt.

Rise of the asexual According to a new study, the number of asexuals, those that have no intereset in sex, in the world could be approaching that of gay men and lesbians. The evidence has come from a study at Brock University in St. Catherine’s, Canada, who have just published the first study on the prevalence of asexuality.

News

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Private members’ club By David Berry Reporter OXFORD UNIVERSITY has threatened to go private within fifteen years in response to weighted criticism from the government to fill quotas. With the current government’s constant need for targets to be reached, many universities have thought about the concept of privatising in an effort to free themselves of the constraints from government. But this idea has faced a strong challenge from the President of Oxford’s Trinity College, Michael Beloff. In an interview with Jasper Gerard for The Times, Beloff defended his

comments, arguing that "if its standards are rising, why do we need quotas?" In a conference of headmasters Beloff ordered the Department of Education and Science to get their tanks off Oxford’s lawn. Michael Beloff is not alone in his views. David Palfreyman, the bursar of New College, stated: "We should follow the US model.” But any such model would be very expensive. The fear is bright students from low income backgrounds may be put off from applying. One Cambridge student said in response: "I think this is appalling. “If Cambridge was private when I applied I wouldn’t have gone. Oxford

is clearly fuelling the view that both Cambridge and Oxford are elitist. Ethnic minorities are going to be even more reluctant to apply to Oxford if this goes ahead.” There is great concern over the repercussions such a move would have. Oxford’s ability to integrate more state school students and become more culturally diverse has been weak in comparison to their Cambridge counterparts. If Oxford did go private there is a fear that it would isolate the university. Beloff made clear that he did not want Oxford to become a finishing school for the rich. But, with freedom to choose their students and charge as much as they wish, Oxford will face considerable

OXFORD: for the rich?h? pressure to do so. Another concern involves the value of an Oxford degree. The plan has lead to fears of the possibility that richer students would be chosen over brighter students in order to fund grants and bursaries for the poorer students.

These poorer students would normally go through the LEA for such money. If privatised, students would be unable to get government funding. The long-term fear is that Oxford’s standards could be lowered as a result of this move, leaving Cambridge with the stronger reputation of the two.

Teenage fraud scams £45,000 ebay pay-day By Will Carson Reporter POLICE HAVE warned students to be careful when using internet auction sites after a local teenager appeared in court recently accused of conning eBay customers out of thousands of pounds to fund a life of luxury. The 17-year-old boy from Pontypool, who cannot be named for legal reasons, amassed £45,000 by

selling goods that did not exist on the popular auction site. Cwmbran youth court heard that the boy had advertised camcorders, mobile phones, computers, gaming consoles and cameras, none of which had ever been in his possession. The boy admitted 21 charges of fraud amounting to £16,105 and asked for a further 64 offences – amounting to £28,860 – to be taken into consideration for sentencing. The court heard that the boy duped

more than 100 eBay customers over 13 months and used the proceeds from his fraud to fund a luxury lifestyle. At the peak of his spending, the boy took two friends to New York, where they stayed in a five-star hotel in Times Square and even took a helicopter ride over Manhattan. Police arrested the boy after they were tipped off by his victims. After his arrest, the youth claimed he could not stop cheating his victims because he was addicted to the eBay

website and it “gave him a buzz”. The court heard that the youth was not content with merely scamming the users of the site. He also sent his victims emails detailing how he had spent their money. The youth is due to be sentenced at Newport Crown Court next month. eBay refused to discuss the case, saying it was not right to do so given the defendant’s age and the fact that he has not been sentenced yet. PC Bob Keohane of the South

Wales Police warned that sites such as eBay can be used to sell counterfeit and stolen goods. In a quick search of eBay, gair rhydd found instances of NUS cards up for auction along with the accompanying discount booklets. PC Keohane said: “Students should use reputable sites, and always use the financial services attached to the sites to exchange monies. The companies will only investigate a complaint if their service have been used.”

World News

October 18 2004

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

BUILDING DEMOCRACY By Charlotte Styles Reporter AFGHANISTAN’S FIRST ever national elections were thrown into chaos, just hours after voting had taken place. 15 opposition candidates asked that the poll be declared null and void amid accusations of voting fraud. The election on Saturday 9 October was marred by opposition candidates’ allegations that the indelible ink used to stain voters’ fingers to prevent them voting twice could easily be washed off. The candidates have said that they will refuse to recognise the results of the election although several have since indicated that they may reconsider if a thorough investigation into the allegation takes place. Candidates had until Tuesday night to submit allegations of voter fraud to a UN panel.

The organisation for security and co-operation in Europe (OSCE), which contributed foreign monitors to the polls, agreed that the irregularities should be investigated, but dismissed calls to nullify the election. Head of the OSCE mission, Robert Barry, conceded that there had been other flaws in the election, including officials ordering people how to vote and voters being turned away because ballot boxes were full. Officials from the free and fair election foundation of Afghanistan (FEFA) commented that ‘‘a fairly democratic environment has generally been observed in the overall majority of the polling centres.’’ However, due to security concerns, a full monitoring operation was not attempted in the elections and only a few observers were deployed to Afghanistan’s 25,000 polling stations. The allegations further delayed a

TAKE OFF: SpaceShipOne looks for the X

LANDMARK ELECTIONS: the ballot papers arrive

By Paul Dicken News Editor

ballot counting process that is expected to take at least two weeks. Although official turnout figures will not be known for some time, more than ten million registered to vote, many of whom were formerly refugees in Pakistan and Iran. Fears that militants linked to the Taliban would sabotage the event were largely unfounded. It is expected that US backed Hamid Karzai will win. He was appointed the transitional president of Afghanistan in 2002.

tic.com for a trip. By 2007 he aims to have a fleet of five ships, with customers paying £115,000 each for the three hour journey. The next stage of the competition is the X-Prize Cup. This 10 day annual event to be staged in New Mexico will set new competitive targets for the space industry to beat. With more multi-million-dollar prizes it intends to fire up the public’s interest in space travel.

THIS WEEK Christopher Reeve fell ill and died after a pressure wound became seriously infected. The film star, famous for his role as Superman, was paralysed from the neck down after a riding accident in 1995. After his accident he became a campaigner for stem-cell research and an inspiration for disabled people. During his intense physical therapy he managed to regain some movement of muscles and improved sensitvity. The Middle-East remained under the spectre of violence. An explosion in Baghdad’s Green Zone killed five people and wounded 18. The group responsible for the killing of British hostage Ken Bigley claimed responsibility for the suspected suicide bombings. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, leader of the Tawhid and Jihad group, had his assets frozen by the UK government in response to their activities over recent weeks. The city of Falluja was the target of US air strikes targeting sites used by Zarqawi followers. The EU warned the Israeli foreign ministry that Israel could become a ‘pariah state’ if the conflict with Palestinians is not resolved. In a report leaked to the Associated Press, the EU revealed plans to try and unite internal conflicts in a bid to become a more major influence in international affairs. The document makes statements that indicate Israel may become increasingly isolated if it continues to deal solely with America when it comes to issues of conflict. Fighting in the country has heightened in recent weeks. Israeli tanks withdrew from a town in the Gaza Strip after one of the worst raids in four years of fighting. The raids have killed five Palestinian militants and an elderly civilian in their attempts to halt rocket fire on Israeli towns. Presidential debates continue to change the face of the U.S election race. The final live debate in Arizona covered topics from health, homosexuality, the economy and, of course, the war on terror. Polls taken immediately after showed neither Bush nor Kerry had managed to create a substantial lead. Last Friday Tony Blair anounced plans for a 15,000 strong European Union battle force to intervene in African conflict.

of this, the strike has found widespread support easy to come by. Despite a court order banning any strike not related to work conditions, the Nigerian Labour Union led by Adam Oshiomhole have threatened to strike for four days unless the recent cost increase is reversed. The strike passed peacefully in the capital city of Abuja, but elsewhere there was violence with at least one shooting in the city of Kaduna in the north of the country. With no compromise likely between the government and the union in the near future, there will be continued uncertainty within the

Nigerian oil industry, which will continue to increase the price of oil per barrel. The strike coupled with the security crisis in Iraq has led the price of oil to rise to $52 per barrel, the implications of which may be felt on the world stage. With the American election only three weeks away and current polls suggesting both candidates have 45% support, swing voters in the world’s largest oil consuming nation could be tempted to switch from President Bush under whom the price of oil has doubled in favour of his rival John Kerry.

Karzai needs 51% of the vote to avoid a second round of voting. If he does succeed attention will shift to determine whether he has a legitimate mandate to rule the country following the objections of opponents. US President George Bush has hailed the elections a success for his administration, but the opposition candidate’s allegations have undermined these claims. With Iraqi elections due in January, the success of Afghanistan’s election can be seen as a test for Washington.

THE ANSARI X-PRIZE: Fly round the world; twice

Fly me to the Moon By Tom Scobie Reporter SpaceShipOne has claimed the Ansari X-Prize. Following in the path of the earlly aviation pioneers, SpaceShipOne pilot Brian Binnie managed to exceed all of the competition’s criteria. Reaching a height of 112km (69.6miles) above the earth his team claimed the $10m prize. The aim was

to launch a privately financed craft able to carry three civilians to 100km (62.5miles) above the earth, return safely and repeat the launch with the same ship within two weeks. On the 4th of October in the Mojave Desert, California was the setting for team Scaled Composites craft SpaceShipOne’s attempt at winning the prize. Launched from its carrier the White Knight Aircraft, at an altitude of 15km, then ignited its engines

to take it into space before gliding successfully back to Earth. The Ansari X-Prize and SpaceShipOne hope to kick start the private space industry and space tourism by creating an incentive atmosphere in which companies can compete. Sir Richard Branson has already set up a company to exploit Scaled Composites’ technology, and aspiring astronauts can sign up at virgingalac-

Strike for oil

By Simon Clode Reporter

THE PRICE of oil is likely to rise further following a general strike in Nigeria, one of the world’s largest resources of ‘black gold’. A 25% rise in oil prices made by Nigeria’s largest oil company has prompted a four-day general strike across Africa’s most populous nation.

The strike has seen members of the general public join workers from the oil industry, after workers staged their own two-day walk out last week. The fuel subsidies previously afforded to the Nigerian people were removed last year as the Civilian Government started to make policy changes away from those previously used by their military predecessors. As a result oil prices have increased to record levels. The

World News Round-up

WORKER’S: have chosen to strike majority of Nigerians live in poverty and cheap oil is seen as one of the few benefits they receive. Because

World News

October 18 2004

Page 5

grnews@cf.ac.uk

TAKE OFF: SpaceShipOne looks for the X

LANDMARK ELECTIONS: the ballot papers arrive

By Paul Dicken News Editor

THE ANSARI X-PRIZE: Fly round the world; twice

Strike for oil

By Simon Clode Reporter

World News Round-up

WORKER’S: have chosen to strike majority of Nigerians live in poverty and cheap oil is seen as one of the few benefits they receive. Because

Letters

October 18 2004

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grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page There comes a time when you’ve been in a job long enough to take advantage of your position. My time is now. The gair rhydd office contains nothing worth pilfering, so this week I’m going to take advantage of the Letters Page. It would be wrong to fill space with a letter from my good self at the expense of someone else; I’m sure that would be some kind of nepotistic masturbation. Instead, I’m going to vent my anger in the confounds of this box. But only a little bit. Here goes. Like Mr. Emtage, I live in the country and my village will be affected by the hunting ban. Well, I say affected - a few farmers might get to go to London for the first time and throw their weight around. But we needed to evolve anyway as my feet are beginning to look a little webbed. As for our community, it will not die; there will always be enough pony loving little girls with rich daddies to keep the stable yards and liveries alive. Grrr... I’m running out of space and I have so much to say. To be brief - I can easily seperate class and fox hunting, it’s an inhumane blood sport and should have been banned years ago. Your hounds won’t have to be shot premmaturely because you put them down anyway when they cease to be useful. When they’re about four. Fox hunters; you’re not fit to live in our civilised society. Miss Lewis

I guess someone has to agree with him... Dear gair rhydd, Well done to James Emtage for finally bringing some common sense into the Fox Hunting debate; it’s been a long time coming. Now I’m not a country lad like James obviously is; I’m at home in the Urban Jungle with only the occasional foray in our rural hinterland, but even I can see his arguments make sense. Let’s look at this logically and examine the concerns of the anti-hunt movement. Firstly we should ask ourselves has there been an unprecedented rise in the numbers of militant vegans across the nation? I somehow think that’s unlikely. So the obvious conclusion is that these people (anti-hunt campaigners) actually care about foxes, so the equally obvious question is why? Why, exactly, do these people think that foxes are worthy of being saved? Are they endangered? No. Are they diseased ridden pests that annoy farmers? Apparently so. Do these people, I wonder, get concerned about the conditions in abattoir when they have steak and chips? Think of cute little lambs when they have a Sunday roast leg? Or do they pause to ponder about the multitude of miscellaneous creatures that get minced for their enjoyment in a

text

cipline’s lectures go on until two on a Wednesday I asked whether this was allowed under the regultions and apparently it is, even though most sports clubs begin at one. Does this mean that Engineering students are doomed to become the fat bloated reflections of our stereotypes? The timetable is hard enough already: does the lecture really have to be there? Sam Keyne, 2nd year Engineer

Despite Quench rumours, Stephen King is good

if you went to manchester to see RAW pls stand up! Joh

It’s never stupid to write in about anything. Unless it’s pretty personal, and then Dr. Matthew will be pleased to hear from you.

Put a stop to Labour in Africa

Dear gair rhydd,

Mark, Third Year History.

Wednesdays aren’t for everyone Dear gair rhydd,

As stupid as it is to write in about this, I have to take issue with Dan Ashcroft's ignorant appraisal of Stephen King in Quench 15. Basing his entire argument about the kind of writer King is nowadays on The Talisman, a book that was published in 1984 and that was co-written with someone else (the writer Peter Straub), Mr. Ashcroft couldn't have picked a book that was less indicitive of King's regular solo output even if he tried! Furthermore, Ashcroft is apparently oblivious to the fact that that particular book was a collaborative effort rather than a regular Stephen King novel. He also recieved the 2003 National Book Foundation's Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters - hardly the dumbeddown unsophisticated "backtrack from writing" that was described in the article. Indeed, as the most recent of his books was published just last week, a review of it would probably have been a much better way of filling the space in Quench wasted with Ashcroft's illresearched piece. To close, I'd just like to say that in future people criticizing somebody's body of work should at least have some

As we all know, Wednesday afternoons are reserved for sport and recreation. But for some reason Mechanical Engineering and other Engineering dis-

please put this txt in. im a complete loner and spend my time reading this paper seafood linguine? who is the solus bluejacker? Bluetooth abuse needs to be punishable by death for the curiosity it starts

i used to fancy tv holly til i found out she comes from flint

i love gingermen and badgers, our house is the house of the ginger badger love

what do goths wear on holiday

i love bingo. (so does dave doyle)

Could someone explain to me why our Tony is in Africa urging the world to "turn international attention on Africa into international action to support Africa"? Hasn’t he got enough to sort out over here without pledging our hard-earned cash to fund an entire continent? We have a crumbling infrastructure of schools and hospitals, spiraling crime, a dilapidated military and a myriad of other problems which are far more deserving of our taxes. We are not an endless pot of money for leftie bleeding-hearts hand-outs. I earn my money to pay for me and mine, not to pay for the inadequacies of foreigners. Much of Africa had its chance of paternal care under the British Empire when we supplied them with education, healthcare, employment, infrastructure, the rule of law and civilisation, but its people decided they wanted their independence and sadly proved incapable of running themselves; name me just ONE sub-Saharan African country that benefited from their independence? There are countless examples of how they have systematically destroyed their countries through inefficiency, corruption and violence (which the

International Community has been happy to ignore whilst attempting, in the worst botch-job fashion since Vietnam, to flatten Iraq and Afghanistan); Zimbabwe, Rhodesia and Sierra Leone to name but a few. Besides, Africans are in a constant cycle of shooting each other or starving to death, and it hasn’t occurred to them to stop doing the former so that they can work the land to prevent the latter. So no, we don’t have any responsibility to the continent. If people wish to give money to Africa, there are plenty of charities who will take it and distribute it, but stop forcing the rest of us to pay for it. Andrew Caldicott. Please email your letters to

grletters@cf.ac.uk corrections and clarifications

The article acredited to David Morris in issue 770 of the gair rhydd was actually written by David Berry.

prizes

As always, Letters Desk have tried their best to find a prize relative to all the hard work the letter of the week writer puts in. This week they will be happy to find a pair of tickets to a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

letter of the week Bank managers really are rubbish Dear gair rhydd,

found! big black boots outside the union. can’t have them back tho, too comfy. sorry

Bryan Smith, MA Student, Cathays.

Dear gair rhydd, Kebab on a Saturday night binge? I doubt it. So why all the concern about fox hunting? I suspect its really quite simple, do they merely object to people enjoying it, perhaps? Well so the hell what? I’d enjoy it. And why not? You get to dress up and ride round the countryside watching a pack of hounds tear a fox to pieces then go back and get ballsed up in the village local. What’s not to like? Would people object if they hunted rats instead? I think not. So for all well-meaning fox lovers I say this. Take a look at the situation logically, foxes have to be killed. This may or may not be the most humanitarian way to do it, but that hardly matters, the point is that’s it’s a tradition and people enjoy it. So why not just let them get on with it? The only thing that comes off any worse is the fox, and since they’re pests why does it matter?

07791165837

ric flair who0oo0oo0oo! i love you

passing familiarity to that which they critique, or else they should leave the opinions to those who actually have sufficient knowledge about the subject on which to base a judgement. In layman's terms: Dan Ashcroft, when it comes to Stephen King - you don't know shit about dick.

Ahh the joys of being an international student trying to establish yourself in the UK. I remember trying to open a bank account with particular fondness. I would like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to the delightful staff at Loyds whom informed me, after having processed my application for an account for two weeks, that as an international student living in the UK, I was not in fact eligible to become a customer there. Shortly after, desperate, I went to Barclays and begged them for the privilege of letting them take my money and charge five pounds for every month that my balance fell below £1,000 (virtually every month, as it turns out!). After some reluctance they finally granted me this privilege, but only after a visit from my parents. I recently had another ordeal when I deposited a money order

(essentially a check) for a substantial sum of money. Naively I believed that this would be a hassle free experience, as a major international bank had issued it, and was already converted into British funds. However, despite this, for some mysterious reason Barclays requires at least four days to process this deposit (with any luck, that is). As a result of this absurd policy, I was forced to live off my credit card, using a complicated procedure involving my passport every time I wanted to withdraw some hard currency. But the worst was yet to come. Thinking that Barclays would sympathise with my predicament (sympathy from a bank? What was I thinking?). To this end, I went to my branch to make the transaction. When I arrived at the wicket and asked for the withdrawal I was asked to produce my passport, which I had anticipated and promptly did. I was then asked to produce another piece of ID. However, when I gave the teller my Canadian drivers license I was told, after she consulted with her manag-

er, that this was not considered valid by the bank. By this point I was absolutely livid and when she asked me whether I was the holder of British drivers license, lost my composure and explained to her that my licence was perfectly valid in this country according to her own government and that, consequently, I had no reason to obtain a British drivers license (silly twat!!!!). After a few minutes of my ranting and her intransigence, one of her colleagues suggested I go to one of the bank’s competitors, because they were affiliated with my credit card. I heeded her advice and left the bank in a huff making my way over to the other bank where I spoke to a very patient women whom was kind enough to listen politely to me vent my frustration and then poached me from Barclays. Needless to say, I was happy to oblige. Although I suspect that this may be a case of meet the new boss same as the old boss. David DesBaillets (angry hoser) 2nd year law.

18 Hydref 2004

Tud 8

Lloegr v. Cymru ... beth yn gwmws mae’r holl gyffro

Gan Bethan Samuel Gohebydd Taf-Od PAM GAFODD y grwpiau ar gyfer Cwpan y Byd 2006 eu gyhoeddi, roedd un gêm yn sefyll allan fel yr un y byddai pawb yn eu wylio ... sef Lloegr v. Cymru. Mae’r gornestau rhwng y ddwy wlad yma bob amser yn ffyrnig ac yn llawn balchder, boed ym mhêl droed, rygbi, criced neu hoci. Mae ‘na rhywbeth arbennig yn perthyn i’r ‘derbies’ rhyngwladol yma, a mae’n anodd darganfod unrhyw wledydd eraill sy’n rhannu’r un elfen o gystadleuaeth â Chymru a Lloegr. Does ‘na ddim byd yn well na churo’r Saeson, gofynnwch i

unrhyw Gymro neu Gymraes! Am 1500 o flynyddoedd, mae Cymru a Lloegr wedi brwydro mewn gwahanol mathau o rhyfeloedd. Rhai enghreifftiau o’r rhain yw buddugoliaeth Arthur ar Mynydd Badon, marwolaeth Llywelyn ein Llyw Olaf yng Nghilmeri, a llwyddiant Owain Glyndwr ym Mhilleth. Y prif rheswm am y gwrthdaro yw’r ffaith bod rhaid i ddau ddiwylliant gwbl gwahanol geisio ymdopi i fyw gyda’i gilydd ar ynys cul, gyda dim ond Clawdd Offa yn ein gwahanu. Mae’r Saeson wedi ceisio lladd diwylliant y Cymry ar amryw o achlysuron, ac yn amlwg mae hyn yn cynyddu’r tensiwn rhwng y ddwy wlad. Mae’r iaith Gymraeg yn diflannu mewn nifer o lefydd, oherwydd bod cymaint o Saeson yn pen-

derfynu symyd i Gymru ac anwybyddu ein traddodiadau. Ond dyna ddigon am fy nheimladau personol am y Saeson ... rwy’n ddiolchgar eu bod nhw ddim yn deall yr erthygl yma neu bydde canran fawr o fy ffrinidiau coleg yn prysur diflannu! Nôl at y pêl droed ... yn y blynyddoedd diweddaraf mae’r brwydrau rhwng Cymru a Lloegr wedi eu ymladd ym myd chwaraeon; rygbi a phêl droed yn enwedig. Fe wnaeth Cymru fwynhau cyfnodau hir o oruchafiaeth dros y Saeson ar y cae rygbi, ond erbyn hyn mae Lloegr wedi profi ei bod nhw’n berchen ar un o’r timau rygbi gorau yn y byd. Wel, mae nhw’n berchen ar un or maswyr gorau yn y byd ... roedd e’n ddiddorol i weld nhw’n colli bob un o’i gemau yn yr haf yn absenoldeb Jonny Wilkinson! Ond hyd yn oed ym mhêl droed, rydyn ni wedi mwynhau un neu ddau buddugoliaeth enwog, yn enwedig ym Mai 1984, sef y gem ddwethaf rhwng y ddwy wlad. Mae’n anodd credu fod Cymru a Lloegr heb chwarae’i gilydd ers 1984, ugain mlynedd yn ôl. Roedd y g5m yma yn un fythgofiadwy, pan sgoriodd Mark Hughes yr unig gôl yn ei gêm gyntaf dros ei wlad. Cae’r Râs yn Wrexham oedd y lleoliad am yr ornest yma – stadiwm tipyn yn llai na lleoliad y gêm Ddydd Sadwrn ddwethaf! Yn amlwg cafodd y Saeson fraw ar ôl colli i Gymru, gan y wnaethon nhw benderfynu rhoi terfyn ar y gemau rhyngwladol cyfeillgar rhwng y ddwy wlad. Ond nawr o’r diwedd, mae ‘na siawns i chwarae yn erbyn Lloegr unwaith eto. Roedd y lefel o gyffro cyn y gêm yn anghredadwy. Roedd bob papur newydd yn llawn erthyglau, cyfweliadau a lluniau o wahanol chwaraewyr ... y mwyafrif helaeth ohonynt yn dod

Ble mae pêl droed Cymru yn mynd o fan hyn? Robson, Chris Coleman a Gary Speed. John Toshack yn ôl son yw’r fefryn ond mae Robbie Savage wedi cynnig taw Bryan Flynn a Gary Speed yn gweithio mewn partneriaeth byddai orau. Am nawr mae Taf-Od yn ymestun ei diolch i Mark Hughes ac yn gobeithio i Gymru fynd o nerth i nerth o dan y rheolwr newydd. Amser a ddengys faint mor llwyddianu bydd

o Loegr, wrth gwrs. Yng ngwahanol ysgolion, tafarndai a siopau ar draws y wlad, roedd pawb yn siarad am y gêm, ac am y brwydrau personol rhwng Giggs a Neville, Hartson a Campbell, a pedwar cefnwr Cymru yn erbyn Owen a Rooney. Y pwnc llosg ymhlith y merched oedd bod Ryan Giggs a Michael Owen yn mynd i ymddangos ar yr un cae ... newyddion cyffrous dros ben! Dydy Cymru ddim wedi gwneud dechrau da yn y bencampwriaeth; roedd hyn yn amlwg yn y gêm yn erbyn Gogledd Iwerddon yn Stadiwm y Mileniwm. Roedd lefel y chwarae yn druenus, i ddweud y gwir. Roedd pawb yn gobeithio y bydde bois Cymru yn dangos fwy o ysbryd yn erbyn y Saeson. Wrth gwrs roedd y ffaith fod Lloegr byth wedi colli gêm Cwpan y Byd neu Pencampwriaeth Erwop yn erbyn Cymru yn un eithaf ‘depressing’, i ddweud y lleiaf! Ond fe ddangosodd Gwlad Groeg yn ‘Euro 2004’ fod yr amhosib yn gallu cael ei gyflawni. Fe fydde’r Cymry wrth eu bodd yn profi pawb yn anghywir. Ond ar ôl yr holl gyffro, roedd lefel y gêm yn is na’r disgwyl. Ond rwy’n siwr eich bod chi gyd wedi darllen am hanes y gêm ac am bwy yr oedd yn fuddugoliaethus, felly does dim angen i fi fynd i fewn i rhagor o fanylder! Roedd y profiad o wylio’r gêm yng Nghanolfan Cymdeithasol Talybont, yng nghwmni Saeson a oedd yn benderfynol o waeddu "Engurluuuuuund" bob dwy funud yn un eithaf diddorol ... ond dydw i ddim yn bwriadu ailadrodd y profiad yna yn rhy aml!

Gemmau i Ddod: Mawrth 26: Cymru v Awstria Stadiwm y Meleniwm, Caerdydd Mawrth 30 Awstria v Cymru Medi 3 Cymru v Lloegr Stadiwm y Meleniwm, Caerdydd Medi 7 Gwlad Pwyl v Cymru Hydref 8 Gogledd Iwerddon v Cymru Hydref 12 Cymru v Azerbaijan Stadiwm y Meleniwm, Caerdydd

Dysgu Cymraeg Gyda Taf-Od Learn Welsh with Tafod Brawddeg yr Wythnos: Sentence of The Week: “Ble wyt ti’n mynd ar dy wylau?” “Where are you going on your holidays?”

Tabl Grwp 6: A all Cyrmru gweneud yr amhosib a dod trwy’r grwp? Mae angen dod yn gyntaf i mynd trwy yn syth neu’n ail i fynd i mewn i’r gemau ail gyfle.

Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od

WEDI I NI golli dwy waith mewn wythnos a wrth i Mark Hughes a Gary Speed adael mae hi nawr yn amser o ail adeiladu i Gymru. Mae’n rhaid cymeradwyo Gary Speed am ei fyddlondeb i Gymru gyda 85 o gapiau, 44 fel y capten. Mae’n rhaid hefyd i ni rhoi diolch i Mark Hughes, gyda record o chwarae 41, ennill 12, 15 gêm gyfartal a cholli 13 ac hefyd creu record newydd o mynd 10 gêm heb golli. Er siom y ddau gêm ddwetrhaf mae Mark Hughes wedi gwenud llawer i wella’r gêm yng Nghymru.

Gyda Chymru yn pumed ar hyn o bryd yng ngrwp 6 mae’n edrych yn her mawr i ni gyrraedd Cwpan y Byd 2006 yn yr Almaen. Gyda adeg o addasiad i’r rheolwr newydd mae amser yn brin i godi safon ein chwarae yn ddigon i guro Awstria ym mis Mawrth nesaf. Mae’n amlwg o’r ddau gêm ddwethaf bod angen gweithio ar y tîm. Bydd hi’n anodd iawn i llenwi’r rol mae Gary Speed wedi chwarae yn y tim ac fel y gwelwyd mae angen mwy o ddyfnder i’r sgwad i ni gallu ymdopi ag anafiadau i chwaraewyr. Mae sawl enw wedi cael ei gysylltu a’r swydd, John Toshack, Brian Flynn, Ian Rush, Dean Saunders, Gerard Houllier, Bobby Gould, Sir Bobby

Pts

2 Gwlad Pwyl

4 4

3 Awstria

9 5

4 Gogledd Iwerddon

-3

5 Cymru

4 4

-3

1 Lloegr

6 Azerbaijan

Am gyfrannu? Mae Taf-Od angen chi! Ebostiwch

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Health

October 18 2004

Page 9

grhealth@cf.ac.uk

Tr u s t m e , I ’ m a d o c t o r Prescription drugs: The hidden side-effects

By Jess Boydell

Health Editor

AT SOME point in your university life you will visit the doctor; whether it be for a cold, acne or depression, you are more than likely to be prescribed drugs. You will probably be told to take two tablets a day, with meals, and you will do this thoroughly and efficiently in order to get rid of your illness as quickly as possible. Without even realising it, this routine (visit surgery, prescribe drugs, take drugs and get better), is based on trust in your doctor - you assume that what you are told and what you are prescribed, will do exactly what it says on the tin. However, in light of a recent Panorama investigation into the side effects of the anti-depressant Seroxat, it seems that what is written on the packets of prescribed medication may not always reveal the truth. After launching a two-year investigation, Panorama found evidence that some young adults taking Seroxat became addicted, violent, self-harming and suicidal. The manufacturers, GlaxoSmithKline, had not acknowledged these side effects on their packaging. The information sheet which accompanied Seroxat stated that: "You cannot become addicted to Seroxat." Yet the month after the programme was broadcast the leaflet was changed to state that one in four patients might suffer withdrawal problems. Why such dangerous side effects had remained hidden from patients opened a further door into the investi-

gation. As Richard Brook of Mind commented to the BBC, even when they finally admitted the dangers of Seroxat, it appeared that the evidence they based their final admission on had been taken from a study carried out in the late 1990s, years before Panorama began investigating. But Patrick Waller, consultant in pharmacoepidemiology, and a previ-

“It was revealed

that two of the MCA’s members actually held shares in GlaxoSmithKline”

ous employer at the MCA, commented in the British Medical Journal that he was “staggered by how one-sided the programme was.” He explained that he had told producers during the making of the programme that it is difficult to decide the “cause and effect, particularly when the putative effect (“sucidality”) is a consequence of the illness for which the drug is prescribed.” However, it is not just Seroxat which has caused concern recently, the drugs used to treat acne have also been the focus for investigation and scrutiny. Another drug that has been sur-

Do the drugs do what it says on the tin? rounded by controversy is the antiacne drug Roaccutance. Campaigners believed that the drug caused mental and physical harm to their children and demanded that the Medicines Control Agency ban it in the UK. Although Roche, the manufacturers, initially rejected such claims, a warning on the packaging soon appeared, stating that "it may cause depression, psychotic symptoms and rarely suicide attempts." Last week a painkiller was withdrawn from shelves after it was leaked to The Wall Street Journal that it may have caused more than 27,000 heart attacks since being on the market. Both US and UK doctors have accused the industry, as well as drug regulators, of failing to protect patients following the mass removal of Vioxx. Richard Horton, editor of The Lancet, told The Independent last week: “This [...] raises grievous questions about the adequacy of our regulatory system.” Dr. Eric Topol, chairman of cardiovascular medicine at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation, was also quoted, accusing doctors of being overly dependent on industry money for research purposes, which, in turn, would put patients at risk. The problem is that companies

appear to wait for public attention to focus on side effects before revising the published information about their medicines. Before a medicine is licensed, it will be tested in clinical trials. Such trials are carried out in a relatively small number of patients - on average 1,500 for a new medicine, whereas when marketed, million of patients may take it and this is when additional side effects may be found. The Medicines Control Agency (MCA) and other such governing bodies should be there to protect people from such problems, yet they too cannot always be relied on. The Seroxat investigation led to the MCA looking into the anti-depressant, yet this was called to a halt when it was revealed that two of the MCA’s members actually held shares in GlaxoSmithKline. With large pharmaceutical companies coming under criticism for putting people at risk it is becoming more difficult to trust the medicines we are given. Patients no longer need to think solely of their illness but the relationship between themselves and drug manufacturers. If you are at all worried about the drugs you have been prescribed then consult your GP.

Media

Page 10

October 18 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

The future of downloads

Downloading music has been accused of causing the downfall of the music industry, but can the industry use it for its advantage? By Catherine Gee Media Correspondent

Although figures vary from country to country, illegal file sharing has been blamed for the global slump in CD sales, causing the industry to lose billions. One of the worst cases is that of Germany where sales have dropped by 50 percent in the last five years. Some music experts insist that rather than file sharing, it is lack of quality product and high prices that has caused the slump. It is also claimed that CD sales were previously boosted through consumers replacing their vinyl collections. Record svengali Pete Waterman sits on the BPI council. According to Waterman: "There is only a relative

nce again, the much debated issue of digital music has hit the headlines. So what’s been going on in the new media realm of the music industry? A new wave of unhappy record companies have reached our shores and are threatening to fine heavy users of filesharing software after our US counterparts achieved a so-called success using this tactic. Last year, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) launched lawsuits against heavy downloaders, suing them for thousands of dollars claiming copyright infringement. The current number issued stands at 5700, a figure likely to make file sharers a bit nervous, especially as RIAA claims to be winning its war. A few months later European countries began to follow suit and now Britain is bringing up the rear. The British Phonographic Industry (BPI) has announced lawsuits against 28 people so far but they are adopting slightly different targets. Instead they are aiming for "hardcore uploaders"people who make vast music collections available for other people to handful of people in the music industry download. In a way then, they are who ever make money – 95 per cent of going after the dealers rather than the musicians out there can’t afford to buy their guitars and this kind of theft hurts users. Of course, it is perfectly possible for them as much as anyone else." IFPI, the global music trade body, a person to download large numbers of songs without ever sharing a file of has commented that potentially any user can be prosecuted. For example, their own. These may be strong battle cries last year in the US a 12-year-old girl from the music industry. But, dig a lit- was sued. The industry came under tle deeper and it does not seem quite so heavy criticism for this but that doesn’t seem to be holding the BPI back. threatening. Waterman commented that: "It’s not The BPI does not actually know the identities of the 28 it plans to sue, okay to steal just because you don’t merely their internet protocol (IP) have a penny to your name." This is coming at a time when legal addresses. This address is a series of numbers unique to each computer. The downloads are becoming increasingly BPI intends to apply for a court order available and therefore, users are runto force their Internet Service ning out of excuses. The mission to Providers (ISPs) to release the person- drive music fans to the right side of the al details of the users. They will then tracks has begun. Earlier this year Apple’s iTunes threaten them with legal action. Many though may hope to settle out of court, launched in Britain, complete with 700 000 songs to choose from 79p as has happened elsewhere in the each or £7.99 for an world. album. It’s big, it’s Of course, if you are a user friendly and heavy uploader and customers can have no intention of even hear 30giving up your free second premusic then ways views before have been found they decide to to avoid detecbuy. Apple tion. It has been seem to be leadsuggested that ing the way in only KaZaa and digital and online WinMX are being music. targeted. There are also But of course, there are programs available which always several spancan maintain Are CDs a thing of the past? ners clogging up the anonymity by keepworks. iTunes still ing a computer’s IP only offer songs in a format compatiaddress hidden. Also, at this time, if you are merely ble with the necessary software, or on a casual downloader then prosecution an iPod. When iTunes opened for business seems unlikely. The worst of the targeted ‘pirates’ uploaded approximately back in June there were huge gaping holes on its virtual shelves. Due to 9000 files.

“If you are merely a casual downloader then prosecution seems unlikely"

problems in negotiations with independent record companies, Franz Ferdinand, Basement Jaxx, Roots Manuva, Coldcut, Deepest Blue and Dizzee Rascal were all unavailable for download. The biggest hole was left by the Beatles’ record label, Parlophone, who were unable to settle on a price with iTunes. Independent labels have claimed that Apple were insisting that they accept a fixed price for the next three years, without promising to maintain their own prices. At such an early stage of a new technical development, three years is a long time to agree on. They allegedly made no such demands of the bigger record labels. A compromise has since been made with the independent labels behind the big selling bands. As a response to the growing number of legal downloads and to further encourage file sharers to ‘go straight’ the download chart was launched in September this year. Broadcast on BBC Radio One it takes into account all downloads from sites such as Napster, mycokemusic.com and iTunes. This August, 500 000 tracks were downloaded showing the early popularity of legal digital music. High hopes for the growth of independent labels were dashed, as each song in the chart’s top 20 were released by the big five record companies, with Westlife, Blazin’ Squad and Maroon 5 making up the top three. Last month, Microsoft finally announced plans to compete with

Apple in the digital music market. Obviously, this is much easier said than done. Teaming up with new best friend Napster, a joint onslaught is in the offing. Unlike iTunes, Napster will be offering a subscription service. For around the price of a CD iPOD: Will the WMP10 pose a serious threat? album you can If Microsoft wants to overtake have a month of unlimited access to their rather substantial library of Apple as market leader, they need to offer something more than the iPod music. Previously, tracks had to be pur- and iTunes. Maybe WMP10 is the innovative chased online or ‘ripped’ from a CD, but now a virtually endless supply of product needed to take online music to the next level. music is offered for a bargain price. The huge popularity of the iPod is And what will consumers play this arguably largely down to clever advermusic on? Microsoft has created the new tising and exposure. It’s the name that Windows Media Player 10. everyone knows so it is understandable Alternatively, users can choose from that they sell so well. Due to the fact that Apple’s offerthe range of digital music player that play mp3s. So, that’s all except the ings are such a firm favourite, Microsoft’s struggle will probably be iPod then. In an attempt to better their com- an uphill one. Either way, the industry predicts petitors, suggestions have been made of a device capable of storing music, that by 2009, eight per cent of music photos, recorded television and video. will be bought online. That may be big Although, it may seem a bit hi-tech numbers in terms of sales but it still a now, I don’t think we can deny that it’s small fraction of the total market. So, for those out there who still like in the near future. Five years ago, a camera on a to buy their music the traditional way, mobile phone would have been the sort then they needn’t worry, as record shops aren’t going anywhere just yet. of gadget James Bond would carry.

Carrie

October 18 2004

Page 11

grcolumnist@cf.ac.uk

Carrie

FARWELL

SHE GIVES AS GOOD AS SHE GETS

Fighting for survival

second-rate apologies from its cabinet members. In his premier speech to MPs and peers this week Blair announced his vision for a third term in office. With no mention of terrorism, weapons of mass destruction or Iraq, Blair showed how desperate he is to put the war behind him. His speech marked a distinct inward turn in his future policy, highlighting his intentions to focus on domestic issues. So with promises of a reformed welfare state and new goals in public health, social mobility and pensions, it appears as though the Iraq war has unduly taken a backseat. On the other side of the Atlantic, however, it is a different story. George Bush is hailing his status as a war leader and is using it at the centre of his re-election campaign. So far Bush has declined to offer an apology over the intelligence failures, and he remains adamant that the invasion of Iraq was fully justifiable. But the difference now is that the justifications for the war have become somewhat blurred. The invasion of Iraq is now defended in terms of Saddam’s intentions rather than according to the reality of the situation. It has emerged that Saddam was working to get UN sanctions against him removed and was aiming to restart his weapons program. According to the coalition leaders this evidence apparently justifies the war. Saddam intended to restart his armament program and so coalition forces invaded. The argument is rather void of any clarity and authority. Furthermore what does it mean for George Bush’s war on terror? Any leader who so much as even thinks about threatening western security will be removed without a second thought? Surely launching a war that is entirely based on the intentions of the enemy surely not legal? With regards to Iraq, definite and substantiated evidence was lacking and the invasion has subsequently been publicly acknowledged as a mistake. Although the US November election is too close to call the ISG findings are however sure to boost John Kerry’s campaign. And now that Hans Blix, former chief UN weapons inspector, has made clear his hopes that Tony Blair and George Bush would now admit that the invasion of Iraq was a mistake, the run-up to elections is sure to be a testing time for coalition leaders all around the world.

upport for the Labour party has been steadily diminishing over the past 18 months, along with any belief that the war in Iraq was right and justified. But although events have damaged the Labour party they have been eager to forgive their leader. Amid Blair’s eroding public trust ratings, feelings of resignation and acceptance towards the PM are evident in the ranks of the Labour party. What’s more it appears as if this mood of tolerance will also be mirrored in the next general election. Support for the Conservatives has been wavering ever since Michael Howard became leader 11 months ago. In addition the recent embarrassing by-election result in Hartlepool did nothing to soothe Tory wounds of rejection. Having the wrong leader and a distinct lack of conviction is tantamount to a death sentence for the party and will do nothing to aid their election campaign. It will take more than the cautious support of a pubescent pop band to bring the Conservatives out of the shadows. The hesitant admission from the boys of Busted to being Tory boys has probably done their own crediBush: War leader? bility more harm than good in the trendy circles of the British music industry. The Conservatives need to stop chit-chatting about their favourite pop artists and reminiscing over their childhood first kisses and start talking politics. Blair has accused Howard of spouting nothing more than “minimalist” politics and these accusations are in fact warranted. The leader of the opposition needs to offer a way forward to the Tories. Re-affirming party policy and returning to the grass roots of Conservatism may in fact provide the acceleration that the party is so desperately in need of. If Michael Howard wants to achieve the trust from the electorate that he says is so valuable then he has to start exploiting the downturn in public confidence in Blair…it’s about time. Whatever they do, the main opposition are going to have to try harder, especially in light of the growing support for the anti-war Liberal Democrats. But equally Blair will have to do more than cling on to the likes of Bob Blair : Under pressure Geldof and Bono to appeal to the larger forces of the voting public. If Blair does EX-DAYTIME CHAT SHOW HOST Robert Kilroy-Silk is facing a survive a third term – and Labour’s ninebattle from his fellow UK Independence Party (Ukip) MEPs. point lead in the weekend Sunday Telegraph/ICM poll suggests that he will – Members of the party have voiced concerns that Kilroy-Silk projects an image that will not serve Ukip favourably and they are attempting to he should still be prepared to fight sustained criticism. block him from becoming the future face of the party. Labour will continue to After losing his television job in January of this year because face condemnation over of his infamous anti-Islamic, comments and his vow to ‘kill the failures of Iraq intelthe Tories’ earlier this month, Kilroy-Silk’s divisive actions ligence, whether or not are unsettling those looking to promote Ukip’s credibility. Blair chooses to cut His erratic and contentious behaviour are seen as a liabilihis losses and apoloty that may prevent Ukip from becoming a mainstream gise. party. But turning his back Roger Knapman MEP, a man who Mr Kilroy-Silk is on the mistakes made openly impatient to overthrow, currently leads the one-issue in Iraq is surely not the party. But when will they realise that they are a long way off answer. The British public from attaining any credibility and even further away from hasn’t forgotten the war in mainstream status? Iraq and neither should our Prime With or without the face of Robert Kilroy Silk fronting their camMinister. paign, Ukip need to get past the leadership issue and start talking pragmatic politics.

The Bush and Blair re-election campaigns are coming under more pressure as they confront the mistakes made in Iraq he findings of the Iraq Survey Group (ISG) failed to surprise even the most trusting members of the British public. The fact that Saddam Hussein had destroyed any weapons of mass destruction long before the war in Iraq was something that most of us were aware of prior to the report’s publication. But the ill-timed combination of the ISG findings and the murder of British hostage Kenneth Bigley is something that is going to weigh heavily on the shoulders of Tony Blair in the coming months. The assassination of Ken Bigley, the 62-year-old engineer from Liverpool who was seized by followers of the terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, has given new ammunition to politicians looking to finish Blair once and for all. Although we should not blame Tony Blair for the death of Mr Bigley, the event has certainly hardened the mood of anti-war MPs and highlighted just how much of a political pawn Bigley was in the aftermath of the Iraq invasion. The British government could clearly never be seen to negotiate with terrorists, and most of us, and the Bigley family, understand this. But the implications of his murder, as well as the formal announcement that Saddam posed no imminent threat to security, are going to severely set back the re-election campaigns on both sides of the Atlantic. Despite his efforts Tony Blair clearly can’t avoid the issue of Iraq and it is guaranteed to haunt him for the rest of his political career (however long that may be). If Blair does survive a third term then he has made it clear that the future is not about the government’s record but about its vision for the future. At the Labour party conference Blair chose to avoid an outright apology. Instead expressed his regret at the intelligence failures. But accepting that the original intelligence on Saddam’s alleged weapons of mass destruction was wrong is far from uttering the fateful word that is ‘sorry’. Would an apology really be that damaging for the PM? He may he even claw back a very small amount of the respect that he once had in the eyes of the British public. Well, perhaps respect may be too unattainable, but an apology would show that he is willing to take responsibility for is actions. It would also show that Labour can offer more than

Third term lucky

Clare’s got her claws out...again CLARE SHORT HAS ONCE AGAIN been causing a stir in the world of politics. In an interview with Gulf News the former cabinet minister declared her sympathies with those who embrace Islamic militancy. Short went on to provoke more outrage by describing the terrorism of Osama Bin Laden as rooted in a “just cause”. Confirming her already well-established reputation as a maverick, Short said that she failed to see much difference between the actions of coalition forces and terrorists; claiming that British and US troops had deliberately killed innocent people. Ms Short resigned from Blair’s cabinet in May 2003 after clashing with the Prime Minister over plans for a

post-war Iraq. She has also previously claimed that Britain had spied on Kofi Annan, the UN Secretary General, during the diplomatic negotiations that led up to the conflict in Iraq. Last week she called for Tony Blair to be removed from office after his immoral “half-truths and deceptions” misled the country in the run up to the war. Blair is already familiar with such criticism from his backbench rebels, but Clare Short may well have taken her games of mutiny too far this time. How long can the Prime Minister tolerate a party member who supports the cause of Bin Laden? Inciting further acts of terrorism is clearly not the way to go about launching an attack on the Prime Minister.

AGREE? DISAGREE? EMAIL ME AT GRCOLUMNIST@CF.AC.UK AND IF IT’S ANY GOOD, I MIGHT EVEN PRINT IT

Editorial & Opinion

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October 18 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd

FREE WORDS Not a let-off REGARDLESS OF the claims and counter-claims by Nick Reagan and his ex-tenants there are clearly lessons to be learnt from both sides. If students are concerned about the state of their house then they should query the problems and then keep querying until the problem gets sorted. After all, they are a consumer and have paid for a service. The later things get left the harder it is to do anything about them and disputes can be hard to rectify, especially once the students have vacated the property. On the other side of the fence, if letting agents deal with problems more swiftly then there is less chance that the students may threaten legal action. University undergraduates are more savvy these days when it comes to renting and are more likely to kick up a fuss over problems. Unhappy students complaining to the press do the reputation of property services no good and should not have to do so in the first place.

Sporting Chance EVERYBODY LIKES reading their name in the paper – especially if it’s connected with their triumphs on the pitches of Llanrumney each Wednesday. However, despite the best efforts of both the AU and the gair rhydd it is simply not possible to cover every single sporting event, which is why we rely so much on sports teams providing their own reports. With the best will in the world, we cannot cover every match. But at the end of the day, no matter how hard our sports desk or the AU leadership try, if match reports are not forthcoming, then we can’t print them. It’s as simple as that. gair rhydd would like nothing better than to tell the whole university about our hard-fought victories, narrow losses and last-gasp draws but we are only as good as the tools with which we are provided.

Elect to vote THERE MAY not be many candidates and they may be uncontested but that still doesn’t stop the by-elections being important. The people the exec represent need somebody to fight their corner. It is a credit to all involved that they have the guts to put themselves in the firing line in order to make a difference. But just because the positions are uncontested doesn’t mean that the student population shouldn’t care. A non-sabb that does a poor job is, in some ways, worse than having nobody in the position at all. You can make a difference to how your union is run, so make an effort to vote. If you don’t, you have no justification to complain if you think they’re doing a bad job.

Club sandwich, kebab card By Andrew Rennison

icture the scene. Another drunken night of debauchery is coming to an end. As the clock strikes three, you breathe in the alcohol-fuelled air, and taste that last ill-advised double vodka on the tip of your tongue. Something’s missing. The kebab house needs no introduction, so I won’t give it one. So essential are they to alleviate your post-intoxication case of the munchies, yet such businesses have one unfortunate flaw. There are too many of them. The last thing you need when you’re unconsciously swaying under the stars in Cardiff town is to have to make a decision. The infamous Chip Alley, that excellent tangent off of St Mary

Street – is perhaps a focal point of this problem. A solution hit me like a slippery fish after one night out to Bounce at Springbok. Making our way to Chip Alley, we chose and entered Morgan’s place (I forget its full title) having been there once before. To our jubilation, the owner recognised us and subsequently, in his thick accent, offered this proposal: “I give you large chips for price of small, eh?” ‘Eh’ indeed. Therein lies my solution. Everybody knows big companies like Tesco or Boots offer rewards to regular customers, so why not introduce such a policy for places that really matter. I give you: Kebab House Loyalty Cards. Think about it: no more arguments

over where to grab a bite; discounted cod in batter; free side salad with every quarter pounder – the possibilities are endless!

“I give you large chips for price of small, eh?” Furthermore, it wouldn’t just be a case of saving people time and money; this is a public service, and this is why. With this drink culture and anti-social behaviour we’re hearing about in the news, wouldn’t it be splendid if drunks had a safe place to go to in their early

morning hour of waywardness. Members can make their way to their kebab house and be offered an obligatory glass of water and a place to sit (or sleep) by the owners – people who are no longer the owners, but your friends. Everybody wins: the ‘restaurants’ bring in the punter’s time and again, and night revellers have a sense of belonging at a time of night when usually the pavement is their only friend. Next time I’m in Morgan’s, I’m going to whip out a pen and paper, fashion a makeshift loyalty card and get the proprietors to sign it. Sure it won’t be laminated or fit snugly into my wallet, but that’s a small sacrifice for the safety and savings involved. I’m telling you, this is the future.

Student Stereotype: The Tardy By James Emtage

nnie has just snuck into the lecture hall, 5 minutes late, slightly breathless, and very fraught. Unfortunately for her, she’s happened to arrive 2 minutes after the lecturer has finished his spiel about people not being late for lectures. This would explain the odd smirk coming from the 200 strong crowd, who smugly watch on as Annie has to ask the 3rd row to all shift up one seat so that she can perch on the end. It’s not the first time this has

happened, and probably won’t be the last, as Annie is constantly running late. And it’s not just for lectures. She’s late for appointments, tutorials, meetings, socials, parties… in fact, just about anything that has a prearranged time and destination, Annie will be late for. However, her intentions are good: she got herself up and dressed by 9.15 this morning in order to make her 10 o’clock. It was just that once she’d found her notes, called her friend, eaten some food, cleaned her teeth, decided how to style her hair, gone ahead and styled her hair, then

changed her outfit to match her hair, it was already 9.58, and she still had the 6 minute walk ahead of her. It’s not as though she doesn’t know what the time is either. She has her watch, her phone, her radio, and a great big clock, shaped as a Coca-Cola bottle, mounted proudly on her wall. The mean variance of these combined items (approximately 9 minutes) makes it tricky for her to establish an exact reading of how far through the day she is. Perhaps she’d be on time occasionally if it weren’t for her complete inability to ever remember what she’s doing next. A

common saying of hers begins with ‘Shit, I’ve just remembered I’m meant to be…’, and ends in ‘…two minutes ago.’ Her long suffering friends have resigned themselves to the fact that so many conversations will forever remain unfinished because of Annie always running off half way through them, mumbling something about deadlines or assignments that should have been done by now. Over the years, many have tried to change her, few have ever succeeded, but all have agreed that Annie just wouldn’t be Annie if she wasn’t always running late.

someone downstairs flushes the loo (OK, so it’s never happened yet with ours being outside, but I’m not ruling it out). So then, after having waited ten minutes for hot water, I then have to stand for another minute while the loo steals my water, until the sink tap turns on and then the freezing/scalding jig begins again… I am a little reticent, however, about binning our not-so-faithful electric showers, as the other option is a pathetic trickling shower hose or running a bath, and given the option I think most of us would rather have fifteen more minutes snooze time than rise early to run a bath.

So there we have it. This was a surprisingly cathartic experience for me, and now no doubt as this article is being printed I will think of a thousand ‘pet horses’ and there will be no stopping me. I do feel bound by a nagging sense of privilege to be grateful for the shower, however annoying and despite my hang-ups, but then that’s not really the point is it? I think I haven’t quite got the hang of this game…

Rachel Browne’s

ROOM 101

y housemate, whilst sitting watching Room 101 this week and ruminating on the theme, wisely conjectured that ‘everyone has their pet hobby-horses’. Well it had been a long day, and a lot of lectures, and a bit of mulled cider (what?) but I think we know what was meant. Anyway, true to that statement, here is my very own ‘pet horse’… Electric showers. It seems that any electric shower, and particularly the deceptively efficient-looking one in our house at the moment, has the nearinfuriating habit of refusing to heat up until it knows I only have fifteen

minutes until my lecture begins, causing a frantic rush post-shower, involving odd socks and cake for breakfast (not complaining about that one though), and invariably not quite making it on time. Being fairly stubborn by nature, the option of a cold shower (however good it may be for you) is not even considered, so I wait for the little red light to show its face, knowing that the longer I wait, the less likely it is I will get my cup of tea and the chance of catching any intellectually stimulating morning television. After a teasing ten minutes the light flicks on, and all is well, until that is, I get scalded, and then frozen, and then scalded, as

ROOM 101 gropinion@cf.ac.uk Because students love whining about crap, no matter how good they have it.

October 18 2004

Editorial & Opinion

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gropinion@cf.ac.uk

It’s not Christmas yet

Jimi Williams argues that the reindeer need to stay in the stable a wee bit longer A m I seeing things, or has anyone else noticed the giant neon icicles slowly being erected throughout the city centre? Just the other day I was venturing through town on my lunch break trying to avoid drunken football fans whilst eating a pasty, when all of a sudden my eyes were exposed to large quantities of festive paraphernalia. Blinded by the colours and slightly traumatised by what I was seeing, I stood and gazed at a man in a cherry picker decoratively attaching wreaths and fairy lights atop the building in question. Pasty devoured, I began my walk back to Debenhams when lo and behold I was confronted by what appeared to be 12 reindeer pulling a fat man! Now I’m officially freaked out. Have I been forgetting to turn the pages on my calendar or have we only just dipped our toes into the month that is October? Not only are all the shops looking pretty for the festive season, the castle

itself has put on its festive clobber for the coming months, which at this point doesn’t surprise me one jot. Whilst in Debenhams on Saturday, I was informed that there were 19 people working on my department with the promise of an additional army of temps to come tumbling down the Debenhams chimney at any moment. I understand people want to buy presents for one another but this is farcical, I often lay awake at night worried about what I may have to face in the store as chrimbo creeps closer. Do people really start preparing for one day in December this early? Then there is the Winter Wonderland that visits Cardiff once a year. Yes, it’s pretty and it is fun, but why is it there till mid-January reminding us we have to wait another 365 days until we can taste that sweet turkey again. A friend of mine is already salivating around the mouth about the prospect of visiting the Wonderland, but I can’t help feeling like all of this hype is somehow devaluing the true spirit of Christmas. For me, frosty mornings, hot drinks,

and carol singers make the time of year special and I think it is an important charitable time, but worrying about how many commodities I can purchase doesn’t make sense to me. I’m being petty now, but last year I bought my then girlfriend a selection of presents totalling up to around £50. Afterwards I thought to myself this seems stupid when I could have bought her just one thoughtful gift. Through hindsight I can also inform you that I would rather jump off a tall building and catch my eyelid on a nail than have to traipse around a shopping centre at Christmas time again, beating off psychotic shoppers with a stick in order to get the ‘perfect’ prezzie. I’m no Ebeneezer by any means but I believe through this constant consumerism and the ‘buy – buy - buy’ mentality adopted by the majority of people, we will eventually kill the real spirit behind the holiday. Aren’t we all forgetting Big J’s birthday? I love Santa as much as the next big-kid but I’m pretty sure Coca-Cola

own him so that kind of ruins it for me (gotta love those adverts though). Give me good food, family, and friends over stupid amounts of spending any day, although the odd prezzie won’t go amiss. Whilst in Talybont last year like most others, my flat mates and I prepared a Christmas meal together, played party games and we even put up a crappy little tree to get in

“I really wish these large commercial companies would stop trying to pull on my Christmas cracker so prematurely” the mood. We didn’t need to spend copious amounts of cash to have a really good time. One thing that really tops off all this Christmas related rambling for me

occurred last year. I was kindly invited by my dear friends from home to join them at the local nightclub on Christmas Eve! Yes, apparently people go out and get pissed on Christmas Eve, and I really can’t understand why. Having a hangover on the big day, and being unable to eat the ultimate in culinary delights really doesn’t appeal to me. Upon telling a close female friend about my intentions for this article, the reception I received wasn’t the warmest, I can tell you. "People need this time to prepare and buy presents" I was informed. Arse. Girls need the time to prepare and buy presents; me I’d rather look forward to Christmas without having to waste time queuing in a sweaty store. I really wish that these large commercial companies would stop trying to pull on my Christmas cracker so prematurely. Anyway you’d better hurry up with your shopping; there are only 77 odd days until Christmas arrives (a mere quarter of a year, give or take). Merry Christmas!

Page 14

Political Opinion

October 18 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

The man behind top-up fees Exclusive:

e is an ex-postman who has recently been promoted to a cabinet full of ex-public schoolboys and redbrick university graduates. A man who has been vilified by both the National Union of Students and the Daily Mail. Whilst popular and personable within Whitehall, he ruthlessly quashed a backbench rebellion to his Higher Education Bill. Alan Johnson MP is a man who seems to embrace contradiction. But, in introducing the Higher Education Bill, he has left an indelible mark on the history of universities. Questions over variable fees, the perceived commercialisation of universities and alleged social engineering have marred his successful reign as Minister of Higher Education. Yet Alan Johnson claims that these accusations are borne out of misunderstanding and misrepresentation. So is he another example of Labour politicians, in the vein of Atlee and Blair, who have sacrificed their moral principles on the altar of ‘The Party’? Or is he an honest man who may well have saved the university system from a repeat of last year’s strikes and confusion? I spent a month working in Alan Johnson’s office. Despite attempts from a well-known broadsheet to secure an exclusive, I managed to get his last interview as Minister for Higher Education. “Top-up fees are simply incorrectly labelled. If anything, we are topping down.” Despite this statement appearing somewhat contradictory, Johnson’s explanations of, and reasoning for, variable fees are cogent. I pressed him on the ramifications of the fees for students. “You pay nothing back until you earn £15,000 per annum, so therefore it is almost like graduate tax.” Johnson was keen to highlight that

Tom Bush talks to Alan Johnson, the former Minister of Higher Education who is responsible for the success of the controversial top-up fees bill...

aiding wider inclusion, I felt Johnson should be questioned on the accusation that the Higher Education Bill goes against socialist values of free education for all. “I can’t understand the argument that says [variable fees] somehow offend left wing principles. I didn’t have the opportunity to go to university, I paid unlimited variable fees after clawing my way back into Higher Education.” Johnson seems remarkably impassioned on the injustice of the former manner of funding for Higher Education. After a tumultuous childhood that saw him orphaned at twelve, he was prevented from attending Higher Education. “Why should an 18-year-old studying hairdressing be subject to fees, but not an 18-year-old studying at university?” It is very hard to dispute Johnson’s

‘common sense’ rationale, particularly as it is clearly one borne of hard experience. I suddenly felt very overprivileged. And a little bit whiney. “A lot of people on the left saw the Daily Mail headlines saying [the Higher Education Bill] is outrageous, and realised it was the middle classes hanging onto their perks,” was his comment on the headlines. Hard as it is to admit, it is difficult to protest against variable fees in terms of ‘left-wing principles’, when you find yourself arguing alongside the Daily Mail. “The challenge is to change the social class mix”. But, despite his egalitarian hopes for future universities, Johnson is quick to counter accusations of social engineering, JOHNSON: ‘Variable fees will insisting that universities are entirely aid poorer students’ autonomous institutions in this funded universities. respect. But what of modern universities, “The government is not going to without the reputation-based clout of say ‘thou shalt do it this way.’” Throughout the interview Johnson say, Cambridge, Oxford, or obviously, argued that variable fees will in fact Cardiff? Surely, in what is essentially the aid poorer students, perhaps in acknowledgement of the challenge to commercialisation of universities, places with less heralded reputations his left-wing principles. He insisted that the government is will suffer as they will have to cut not encouraging universities to take fees in order to attract students, thus on students from poorer backgrounds. Perhaps to counter these questions over the fairness of university admission policies, Johnson strongly hinted at a change to the Alevel structure. People from poorer backgrounds are less confident over what their results are going to be. Should we change the A-level system? Perhaps the future will see university entrance creating a gap in funding between an exams to test an individual’s aptitude, elite group of universities and the or a system that more closely resem- rest? “Universities are not thrown into a bles the French Baccalaureate. With the struggles and strikes of world where they have to scramble last year, would there still be enough about for money…ninety per cent of universities to fulfil this anticipated funding is still provided by taxpayers. demand? Johnson seemed convinced Universities are oversubscribed; the that variable fees would save under- challenge is to change social class

mix.” I felt that Johnson was avoiding the question somewhat and he did concede a little. “This is the most cogent argument, but when you ask how it will affect modern universities, Coventry has announced it will charge the full £3,000 fees.” At this stage though, I’m not sure if Johnson or I can really know how this will affect universities. It has to be said that I have a lot of time for Alan Johnson: he is a genuine person who feels he has helped to ensure the future of “one of the best Higher Education systems in the world.” The Higher Education Bill and variable fees both have weaknesses, but in comparison to alternatives they seem realistic and pragmatic. It is easy to complain at fees being charged for something that was once free, but do we want to see universities becoming increasingly underfunded, cutting courses and limiting admission? A pseudo graduate tax seems to be a realistic route towards an egalitarian society. There are obviously going to be exceptions, but it is worth considering that the number of university applicants has increased nationally since the introduction of tuition fees, and projected numbers show that this is unlikely to change. “How can the government say, yes we should make [Higher Education] our priority when we have the underfives, primary schools, upper schools and the skills agenda for people who don’t go to university?” Surely it is fairer to give a percentage of our degree enhanced salary to allow other students a better chance of reaching university? I know it is controversial to agree with government policy in a student newspaper, but disagree and you’re on the same side as the Daily Mail.

I won’t enter into a discourse on the ins and outs of the UN Charter, but there are two keys points of which everyone intending to vote in the next general election should be aware. Firstly, resorting to war is only legal when you have physically been attacked first, and secondly, when it is authorised by the UN Security Council. Those that followed the debacle around Resolution 1441 will remember the Attorney General’s advice: "Well, the UN made resolutions saying we would go to war if Saddam didn’t back down. And we would have backed off if he destroyed his weapons. Then he started making new weapons, so the old Resolution just… sort of… came back to life." There is no such concept in International Law. So why is this an issue? Surely we must be more people concerned that

there were no WMD, and so the pretence on which we went to war was false? That is terrifying. But what I think is perhaps scarier, is the fact that even if the Prime Minister really did genuinely believe that there were WMD out there, he was still prepared to flaunt a system designed specifically "to maintain international peace and security" (UN Charter). This is disturbing because it tells us that our own leaders have no regard for the controls placed upon them and have, as a consequence, caused thousands of needless deaths. Furthermore, it shows a real and dangerous hypocrisy and contempt for the intelligence of the ‘Average Joe’: "Saddam is ignoring the UN, and so we must ignore the UN to maintain it". Also, the lack of WMD must remind us of the infamous dossier. It seemed that yet another crucial ques-

tion was missing from that debate: if the dossier was "sexed-up" then our Government lied to us. However if it wasn’t "sexed-up" and the intelligence was really that flawed, the Government was clearly incompetent enough to go to war on a prospectus which was, apparently, full of holes, single-sourced and flat-out wrong. The media, of course, want a good story. That is why the WMD findings have taken centre-stage, and that is why the legal issues have been largely ignored. But our society is based on the rule of law. Our institutions (including the office of the Prime Minister) must always be subject to the law of the land. Blair is a barrister, and when he is clearly so cavalier about International Law, one can only worry that domestic law is to follow. The Law Lords are, at the time of writing, hearing a case on the Anti-

Crime Terrorism and Security Act 2001. This gives the power to detain foreign nationals suspected of terrorism indefinitely. The question is whether this power is compatible with the European Convention on Human Rights. Thankfully, this is the rule of law in action at last. Yet the fact that it has taken this long is concerning. This Act was a clear warning of what was to come. We now find that our personal freedoms could be restricted by the introduction of ID cards and increased powers of arrest for the police. By maintaining a climate of fear, such limitations become easier because they appear justifiable. Remember that for many the war seemed justifiable at first. Now the same people are shrugging, showing us their empty hands and saying "Well, no WMD. But at least we got rid of Saddam, right?"

universities will set their own fees as autonomous institutions, and the government will provide substantial grants to help people from poorer backgrounds to get through university. One of the key elements of the Higher Education Bill is to use fees to finance universities, enabling them to reach the much-vaunted aim of fifty per cent participation. “It will allow expansion, so more students can benefit [from university]. At the moment they are underfunded,” he said. Despite these claims of variable fees actually benefiting students and

“Top-up fees are simply incorrectly labelled. If anything, we are topping down.”

“Universities are oversubscribed; the challenge is to change the social class mix.”

Iraq through the eyes of the law By Matthew Collinson

was against the war in Iraq, so in many ways I am pleased that no weapons of mass destruction (WMD) have been found. But, the Iraq Survey Group’s report to the US Senate, which made such a finding, is a sideshow. Of course, it is a timely reminder that there were no real and discernible reasons for going to war, and that civilians and soldiers have needlessly lost their lives (current estimates of the number of civilian deaths range from 13224 to 15292, whilst 1222 US and UK troops are either confirmed dead or are missing in action). However, the point we are missing is that even if there had been WMD in Iraq, our invasion was illegal.

Jobs & Money

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October 18 2004

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

Ask the experts

’ve applied to quite a few recruiters and graduate schemes but I’m not getting any feedback. How can I make my application form stand out and how do I approach the employer about feedback? Sarah, 3rd Year Politics. Firstly, well done for applying to graduate training schemes early. In answer to your question about feedback, it’s not easy to get at this first stage of the process because of the enormous number of applicants employers are dealing with (HSBC has 12,000 applications for 350 jobs in 2003/4). It might be worth trying to telephone or email the Human Resources department to check on the progress of your application, but expect a patchy response. However, don’t panic if you can’t get the feedback you want from an employer. Instead, consider bringing your draft application form to a Quick Enquiry appointment at the Careers Service. We will give you feedback, some strategies for improvement and some literature on application forms to help you. You can book online at www.cf.ac.uk/carsv . Have faith; making your application form stand out enough to be asked to interview is not as difficult as it may seem. There is a definite set of rules to stick to and once you’ve cracked it, it’s a skill you’ve got for life. Make sure you pick up the Careers Service booklet on Application Forms and you attend a workshop on the same subject, either run by us in your department, or centrally in the Careers Service itself. For more information, have a look at the website or come and see us at Corbett Road. If you have a question about your career please email it to grjobs@cf.ac.uk and we will forward it to the Careers Centre.

THE JOB FILE... “The quality of a person’s life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence regardless of their chosen field of endeavour.” -Vince Lombardi (US Football)

The mystical art of skimping By Andy Rennison Jobs and Money correspondant

BOUT A month ago now I pulled up my mediumsized shopping trolley into the aisle marked ’10 items or less’, though I had about a dozen. Unloading my modest cargo of products, consistently marked ’Tesco Value’, I felt the cashier’s mocking smile hit me like a slippery fish. “You’re off to uni, aren’t you?” Replying that I was, I hurriedly packed up and paid for my shopping before darting out of the store. Like many, this was my final, last-ditch, cheap-as-possible shop before diving into the unknown of university life. There was something that bothered me about that cashier’s disdainful grin. It was as if she knew. She knew I was getting into the groove of spending as little as possible in order to survive. It was as if she had suddenly become capitalism incarnate, furious that I was pumping only tiny amounts of revenue into her gargantuan multinational corporation. Okay, maybe I’m reading a little too much into a scornful smile, but this incident merely added to my already significant fear of having to pay my own measly way in life for the next three years. I’d like to think I was not, and am not, alone in this mindset. However, being over-opinionated as I undoubtedly am, I figured I’d not just share my anxieties but try and voice some limited solutions, acquired in the few weeks I’ve been here in Cardiff. No matter where you shop, where you live or what you do, I hope these tips can help relieve just a few people’s finances. Firstly, never ever shop alone unless you’re absolutely irreversibly unpopular. Going to the store with flatmates, or even just with friends, can significantly reduce expenditure. Communal shopping means universal goods, like milk, probably won’t have to be bought by you every week – isn’t it annoying when you buy some grapes for yourself but all week everybody nabs a few when they open the fridge? Exactly. Also, having accomplices decreases the risk of consumer stupidity, particularly if you’re a guy. “Wow! Toblerone! I love those huge bars!” Such an outburst whilst on your own means there’s nobody sensible to bring your feet back down to the ground. Take a rational head along with you to cool your instincts. Second, bulk buy when the deal’s rosy. The other day a friend of mine

BOGOF: Next time you see a bargain make sure you stock up.

“We all know

it: when you’re wasted money becomes trivial – your wallet, a toy” walked past a ‘buy one get one free’ deal on Hula Hoops. We’re both ardent Hula Hoop fans, but my friend took just a couple, explaining, ‘Well, I don’t wanna spend too much.’ I bought ten. Because if you think about it, if it’s something you’re going to buy regularly then over the long term you’re saving a wad by stocking up while the deal’s good, despite the short-term costs that my friend pointed out. Do not be afraid to exploit the BOGOFs. Third, plan your laundry. Sure it doesn’t cost the earth to wash your attire, but it all adds up given time. A lady I know didn’t really consider that she was now responsible for her laundry, and so wore her clothes so randomly that she kept finding herself with clean things left but none that matched.

In her 2 weeks here she’s spent about £15 at the laundrette, unnecessarily. Yes, this may not be something that can happen to everybody but my point is a general one: know what you’ve got, when to wear what and when it all runs out. Being considerate to your wardrobe saves time and money. Finally, beware the peril of combining nights out with credit cards. Maybe I’m excessively scraping the metaphorical barrel here, but if you’re looking forward to a good (i.e. drunken) evening on the town, decide how much you’re going to take beforehand, withdraw it and leave your card(s) at home. I’ve been a firm believer in this strategy ever since the manager at my previous job, Matt, went out on the piss one Friday with two £20 notes, yet by the next morning he had withdrawn and spent £150 more. We all know it: when you’re wasted money becomes trivial – your wallet, a toy. Don’t make your bank manager frown; stay in the green by leaving the plastic behind. Man! I’ve just read that back and I sound unnervingly like my dad. Or any dad! I do however only intend to help a tad if I can. And at the

end of the day, these aren’t just skills for gormless freshers’ like myself, but early life skills. Unless you’re a med student, you’re unlikely to just walk into piles of cash after your three years is up. So start skimping now, so you know how to skimp later.

MONEY MATTERS “Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.” -Donald Trump

Jobs & Money

October 18 2004

Page 15

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

Time to burst the student bubble? For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

By Carly O’Donnell Jobs and Money Editor

MADE a disturbing discovery during Fresher’s Week this year that has caused me to contemplate my life after university. I’m in my final year. Now you might think that this would have been apparent to me for some time and I admit I had wondered why the freshers this year looked particularly young, but upon sitting down to consider my observation it occurred to me that perhaps I was old. A quarter-life crisis ensued that caused me to carefully examine the achievements of my 21 years, the pinnacle of which is my degree. Forgive me if I now begin to reminisce in the manner of an elderly relative telling a war story, it tends to happen to us old folk. I’d appreciate it if you youngsters could have some respect for my warblings and read on. Three years of mind-numbing drinking, shopping, pub-crawling and perhaps the occasional lecture. That sums up my time at university so far. It’s not that I’m a bad student. I pass what I need to and I study when I have to but I’m hardly exceptional. When I chose my degree I paid little, in fact, no attention to the fact that one day it might affect my choice of career. The world had been my little fresher oyster. Now the terrifying truth that one day I will no longer be in university has hit and I have to consider what will happen after graduation. My third year head has been dragged from the sand and the student bubble well and truly burst. I started to think about what I could do with my degree. I’ll probably get a 2:1 which I’ve made my peace with. The dream of getting a first died when I realised it might cut into my social life. However, with thousands of students graduating this year and the majority achieving a 2:1 what is going to set me apart from the others? And if the dream job doesn’t come along what should I do? Paying a visit to the Careers Centre on Corbett Road is a good start. By registering online students are able to book a meeting with a counsellor who has career knowledge specific to their degree. They will be able to help you choose your next step.

It is important to remember that grasping at the first job offered to you is likely to end in disaster. Take your time and examine all your options before you make any decisions that could affect the rest of your life. If you need a little inspiration take a look at some of these ideas for post uni… Postgraduate study For those of you addicted to studenthood what better option can there be? Postgraduate Masters and PhDs are becoming increasingly popular and can add a little sparkle to your CV. They also provide some great vocational training which academic degrees often lack. A word of warning however … further education does not come cheap. You can expect to pay between £1000 and £8000 for most courses and you will no longer be eligible for a student loan to soften the financial blow. Ouch. Gap Year If you’re really not sure what the next step is, taking a break from your normal life and experiencing something new is a great idea. Travel the world, volunteer in a remote country, find a work placement abroad - be as imaginative as you can because a productive gap year will really impress an employer. Equally, an unproductive gap year is likely to scare them off so make sure it’s not time wasted.

Swydd/Job:

Mystery Shoppers

Swydd/Job:

Telephone Interviewer

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5.50 to £9 per visit Varied Ongoing Mystery shopper company searching for mystery shoppers aged 18-26. You will be required to to visit retail outlets to pose as customers and report on the quality of service provided.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5.15/hr Evening and Saturday shifts Ongoing An independent research and marketing company require telephone interviewers with excellent telephone manner, excellent written and spoken English to conduct interviews over the phone with the General Public – No Selling involved.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

016

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

006

Swydd/Job:

Bar and food service staff

Swydd/Job:

Mailroom Assistant

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £4.85 per hour 1 wknd shift + 2 or 3 week evenings Ongoing Bar in Cardiff Bay is looking for bar and food service staff, you must be presentable, numerate, personable, honest and reliable.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £4.85 per hour Various shifts Ongoing Market research, database management and mailing house requires mailroom assistants for various packing and lifting of brochures, bags etc. You must be reliable, dextrous, honest and hard working.

009

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

010

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students). We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Graduate schemes There has been a lot of buzz over recent years about graduate schemes and they seem to be the major method of recruitment for most companies. They provide a security net for students who still need training but are also totally skint. You get paid while training for a senior position, what could be better? Unfortunately the jobs offered largely omit humanities students in favour of science, accountancy and technical degrees. If you are looking for graduate jobs check out www.studentfocus.net. It’s a site that pays students to fill in online questionnaires to help graduate recruiters understand the attitudes and aspirations of final year students.

We are looking for Cardiff’s best and worst student employers! If you have someone you want to name or shame email us at:

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza! Call Andrew on 07973 571141 for more information.

Free Stuff

October 18 2004

Page 19

grcomps@yahoo.co.uk

grab! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! SWEETIES, CHILDREN, Sweeties, and all free today. Ok, so I haven’t got any sweeties on offer but in my page this week I do have a lovely playstation game, where you can beat the shit out of some hip hop stars – Yes, my favourite past time too – and the chance to win a car, how exciting. Do keep reading my children, I have many more thrilling prizes coming up, including film merchandise, more clothes and tickets to glamorous events. All you have to do is email me at the above address (please note, the address has changed, I will not take your entry if you send it to the old one) or pop a little note in my pigeonhole on the 4th floor of the union. Go on, you might just win something. Good luck.

Buy Coke, Win a Ka

ONCE AGAIN, another big competition for you all, I’m afraid it may be more difficult to win than usual, there is no super easy question. In fact to win this wondrous prize you have to play musical chairs. But I believe that is a small price to pay for such an amazing reward. Those lovely people at ‘Coca-Cola’ and Tuco have organised a great event where you can win a brand new Ford Streetka. Seriously, a new shiny, posh car, no tax to pay, no insurance to pay, all yours, free. Still interested? Keep reading, this is quite the prize. The ‘Great Coke Musical Chairs Event’ will be held on the 16th of December. At this event ten jammy winners will get the chance to compete for the Streetka in the most cutthroat game of musical chairs of their lives. The last person standing will drive off with a beautiful new Streetka. That’s not all, students will get the chance to win a ton of other prizes, including two cute Honda scooters, fifty mp3 players and 10,000 music downloads, which can be won

instantly from www.mycokemusic.com, quite the prize pool. Get going people, it’s a free car for god’s sake. The people at Coca Cola enterprises are very excited about the event, especially as this is the first time they have organised such an event specifically around the student market with the ‘online’ element. The musical chairs are quite the touch. I’m sure it will bring back some nostalgia of all our sixth birthday parties. Mmmm, Jelly and Ice Cream. Everyone at this university is welcomed, as well as students from 120 campuses all over the UK. All you have to do is buy any 500ml bottle of ‘Coke’, ‘diet Coke’, ‘Fanta, ‘Lilt’, ‘Sprite’ or ‘Dr Pepper’ from your nearest Cardiff University canteen or shop. Buy one and receive your free game card. Also you can hit www.cokemusicalchairs.com for more information and to download a free invitation. With such easy entry too, what are you waiting for?

Busta Rhymes pissing you off? Beat him up NOW, I don’t know so much about hip hop, but I do believe this may be the perfect computer game for all. Hip-hop enthusiast? You can revel in all the celebrity hip hoppers battling it out. Hate Hip Hop? You get to beat the shit out of them all for putting such offensive shite on the radio. Or is there one star you particularly dislike? Maybe you can’t take Lil’ Kim’s’ stupid outfits anymore? Or maybe you think Snoop Dog is just far to skinny to have so many goodlooking naked women hanging around him. Well, in this game you can destroy them all. This computer game forces you to battle for control of the tough man hip hop underground. Three times the length of the Original Def Jam VENDETTA, "Fight for NY" is now available to play on the PlayStation 2. Set in the Hip Hop underground of New York City, the game features five intense fighting styles, hardcore hip hop music including over forty hip hop artists and celebrities, and seedy urban venues. (I really love the word seedy, I’m not sure why, but it gives me Goosebumps) The only way to survive such a gritty, hostile underworld and take over the ‘hood is to develop your fighting skills and get yourself a crew. With some of Hip Hop’s biggest names including Fat Joe, Ghostface, Lil' Kim, Ludacris, Redman, Sean Paul, Snoop Dog and Xzibit, you’ll have to master multiple fighting disciplines and take advantage of interactive environments by utilising dozens of weapons to make a name for yourself. Sound like fun? The game also carries many different features for the play station 2 devotee, including five brutal fighting styles, from street fighting to martial arts, wrestling and submission fighting (what is submission

Clothes for IT CAN’T all be about girls clothes you know. We like the boys to dress up nice now and again. In fact, I believe the fashion pages may even be incorporating a male voice very soon. It’s all about equality people, so to balance out all the Miss Selfridge vouchers I’ve given away I thought I should get my filthy hands on some clothes vouchers from Burtons. This great store (I really like their jumpers, the men in my life may have ‘lost’ their jumpers because of this) has a great new autumn/winter range. So what can you do but get down to your local Burtons and kit yourself out in all the best new gear. If you can’t be arsed to actually leave your room to go shopping, or the huge

And the Winner is…

Nicola Herwin, congratulations, you have won yourself £25 of Miss Selfridge vouchers for correctly answering that 1930’s glamour was the inspiration behind the winter collections currently at Miss Selfridge. I will contact you when your prize is ready.

Ipod: Win at Burtons Online

fighting? Someone please enlighten me, I’m intrigued). As well as 22 Interactive Venues, with destructible environmental objects and rowdy spectators who like to ‘get involved.’ Finally, I must describe a little aspect of the game that I think is wonderful. You can create your own street fighter. You can give him his own tough man outfit, with tattoos and even bling from Jacob the jeweller, jeweller to the stars I am told. To celebrate the release of this game, I’ve got my hands on a copy to give away, for your chance to win, just answer this very easy question. How Many Fight Styles feature on this game? Enter in the usual way.

Boys amount of crowds in Cardiff’s city centre just seem like too much hassle, then shop online. Really no excuses to look fabulous now boys, simply log onto www.burton.co.uk/student. What’s more once you’ve registered your information you will automatically be entered in a free prize draw to win 1 of 20 iPods, so you’ll look good and sound good. Burton’s look for this season is an urban mix of distressed denim worn with hooded tops and layered up with formal jackets. The subtle change of emphasis from casual to smart is accentuated by wearing smart pointed shoes. Colour is key this season, brightly coloured T-shirts with deep V shapes under hoodies and zip though knitwear will create a rich modern multilayered look. Ohhh, very sexy. With all the different styles and looks they have going on, you really will be spoilt for choice. So to win yourself £25 of Burton vouchers and get yourself in some clothes to make the girls swoon, or at least say, ‘I really like your jumper’ with a fiendish look in their eye, then simply answer this easy question. I look forward to seeing all you lads impeccably dressed very soon. (If you don’t know the answer log onto www.Burton.co.uk or visit your local store) Q: Who is the new face of Burton? Enter in the usual way.

Five Minute Fun

Page 20

October 18 2004

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

D: Graham Nor ton

1. of A: B: C: D:

The Big Quiz* *Although marginally smaller than last week, this edition of The Big Quiz still conforms to EU guidelines

Above which Cardiff student hang-out did Gruff the Super Furr y Animals once live? The Woodville Pub Cafe Calcio, Crwys Road Whitchurch Executive Massage Parlour Moloko vodka bar

2. Which of the following is a Cardiff University graduate? A: Carol Vorderman B: Harr y Hill C: Jonathan Ross

4. A degree from Cardiff University is...? A: Not as good as a degree from Cambridge B: Better than a poke in the groin with Esther C: Better than a degree from Lampeter D: The best excuse to waste my parents’ money on crack, whores and TVs to throw from windows E: All of the above 5. And finally, on a completely unrelated note, which of these spor ts doesn’t have a Cardiff Uni team? A: Korfball B: Netball C: Surfball D: Tofuball

WOULD YOU RATHER...?

It’s quite simple really, just decide which of the following options would be most preferable. Oh yeah, the third option is DIE, horribly.

A) Have soaking wet clothing B) Have itchy clothing A) Have a third nipple B) Have an extra toe A) Rim Maggie Thatcher

Annsummers: 1.B 2.D 3.A 4.E 5.D

3. Huw Edwards is one of the University’s best known former students, but was his degree...? A: First Class French B: 2:1 in Histor y and Politics C: 2:2 in Journalism, Film & Broadcasting D: Third Class English Literature E: Dishonorable discharge

B) Be trapped in a lift with Kilroy A) Get food poisoning for a week B) Be kissed by a man with no teeth

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant. Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

So, another week, another five minutes of fun. Still no emails - looks like it’s just me then? I’m exceedngly proud to announce that I have exercised my brain for the first time this year in order to think up the shiny new game ‘Would you rather...?’ It’s a challenging feature that is going to question the very meaning of your existence. Send your answers, and the bizzare motivations behind them, to grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk and I’ll publish any good ones in next week’s edition. Not one person entered the Crossword competition. What’s wrong with you people? IT’S A FREE CURRY! Finally, this week’s big quiz has gone all up-market and has an alumni theme. Enjoy!

Sarah

in the event of a tie write your porn star name on your entry take your first pet’s name as your first name mum’s maiden name as your surname funniest one wins, but it must be genuine

Six Degrees of... 1O

Same old story. Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in. No prizes are given for being a smartarse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Porn star name: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: Leonardo DiCaprio to Johnny Depp (What’s Eating Gilbert Grape) to Winona Ryder (Edward Scissorhands) to Angelina Jolie (Girl, Interrupted) to Nicolas Cage (Gone in Sixty Seconds) to Penelope Cruz (Captain Corelli’s Mandolin)

Television

October 18-24 2004

Page 27

buggeroffyouoldcockneytart@thisisthenewworldorderinTVdesk.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV Oct 18th-Oct 25th

Good Golly Miss Holly TV Desk Starlet’s Career Climaxes at Sight of Cpt. Cowell’s Treasure

HOT Us drinking in the office If we’re pissed, we write you funnier, wittier and flangier listings. If we write funnier listings, you wet yourself. If you wet yourself, we make money. Forgot to say: we hold shares in Tena Lady.

SOAPS Sarah the Scarer Needs a Carer Last week, I mentioned Enders Stalker Sarah. This week, I’m not going to ‘cos, frankly, I think it’s all a bit silly. Not in the same way as the ghost of Mr C in Hollyoaks that exudes pure thought and wisdom on the scriptwriters’ parts. I mean, we’ve all done it, right? I remember this one bloke I was seeing, right...well, it all ended badly with that visit to hospital for rectal stitches. Anyway, it’s all rather futile. Never mind, Chrissie wants to be boned by Vicki’s older man and Kat returns, so it’s not all doom and gloom. No doubt Kat will slip on a banana skin and Chrissie will get nits though: this is Enders, after all. See you all around, kids. Lots of love from TV Holly xxx

Hello, hello, my glorious friends. It is a sad day, but I knew I was going to have to say it in the end. Yes, I do have minge warts. But most importantly, I have to leave the desk that is TV. I’ve been here a year and now it’s time to move on. It’s not you, it’s me. CUNTS! Oh yeah, and my Tourettes is now more out of control than ever. My last picks for this week are UK Music Hall of Fame (Sunday, 9pm, Channel 4) and Up the Bum in Nagasaki (Sunday, 11pm, five). The first features the seventies for this episode. No doubt there’ll be the usual dross e.g. David Bowie before Labyrinth (wrong). But never fear, I’m sure there will be some random token act on that you’ll appreciate. Up the Bum in Nagasaki can, of course, do no wrong at TV Desk. Though it may be a repeat (shown only last week, in fact), it shows the sublime line between pornography and erotica. Steamy scenes involving Kenneth Branagh and Bastion Springs are what made this into the Oscar winner it was. It is subtitled, but in this case the actions really do speak louder than words. Contains asphyxiation scenes, which some viewers may find disturbing. Love from TV Holly xxx Ahhh, farewell my flangeous friend, may you enjoy and prosper in your life with the knowledge that ‘TV Desk Minx’ is safely on your CV forever. Alas, the rest of us must continue in our quest to find the best programmes of the week

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL Well, there’s only one choice this week. Little Britain is beginning again on BBC Three (Monday, 9pm). While I may not be the biggest fan, I do admit that there are some characters who really do make me want to urinate (with laughter, you understand). Lou and Andy are my favourites, simply because the catchphrase “I want that one” and “Yeah, I know” have become so useful in my normally indecisive and ambiguous life. Oh, and doesn’t David look funny dressed like that silly man? Also, Vicky Pollard makes me think of the people I left behind in North Wales only to find them here, just loitering in the archways of McDonald’s on Queen Street. I’m not lovin’ (sic) it. It’s not the best thing I’ve ever seen, but frankly if you got BBC Three it’s a hell of a lot better than Wedding Stories, where - yes, you guessed it - shitters talk of their impending nuptials. That’s nuptials, dickwads.

and proceed to destroy them with our cursing words. At other times we may just invent a programme for our own hilarity and for your annoyance no doubt. Suckers. Anyhoo, to the job in hand, and to that highlight of the week that is XFactor (ITV1, Saturday, 6pm) It’s down to five with each mentor and I’m rooting for the barber shop quartet in all their bellowing glory. And we all know Sharon’s trying to fuck Tabby the Irish ‘rocker’. TV John would like to add here that he’s a prick. We shall see. Next, Nip/Tuck, Wednesday, C4, 10pm, features a hot, naked Julian

McMahon, graphic plastic surgery and black comedy. I have it on good authority from my friend (because at this time of night I have little energy and zero desire to find my own pick of the week) that it’s a scream, despite never having watched it myself. Trust her. Sloppy kiss, TV Katie x TV John’s picks: Oh, I was going to write about X-Factor, especially after I found such a lovely picture of your friend and mine, Simon Cowell. Incidentally in regard to my comment about Tabby from X-Factor below, I mean HE’S a prick, not me. Errr right, anyway, you still can’t go wrong with Hollyoaks (6.30pm Weekdays C4) especially now Mr Osbourne is on death’s door with the uber-prat Darren doing the gloat-gloat-gloat-breakdown routing, and of course the fact that Bombhead can communicate with the ghost of Mr C (which has apparently been going on for ages, but imagine my joy at discovering it) plus the ongoing saga of Justin Toke-alot’s rampant mood swings, hardcore cannabis use and parents that if they exaggerate even a little bit more they’ll have to change the shipping forecast in the Irish sea. Happy viewing there, and also here: Judge Judy (11.15am. Thursday) which is probably the only actual guaranteed brilliant program on TV at the moment. Miss at your peril, like we will all miss Holly. God Bless xxxxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Once again TV Willy has been locked away all night struggling to fulfill his potential. Muffs to that, next week all the picks will be mine. Right then, let’s quickly get through what is becoming my weekly look at the forthcoming releases on the format that incompentent people refer to as Digital Video Disk. Fools. 1) Troy This soggy wank-fest from Das Boot director Wolfgang Peterson bored me so much that I was looking forward to the release of Thunderbirds. A film tailored exclusively for 18-30 year old girls and gay men. If I wanted to see Brad Pitt running around with his top off I’’d watch Fight Club. 2) The Office Christmas Specials You and I both know how good this is. My only qualm is why release it at the end of October rather than in the run-up to Christmas? It would have been nice wouldn’t it? Both DVDs are out on the 25th of the fair month October. Over and out.

NOT

Drinking in your office When you do it, on the other hand, you just come across as a cretin with beery hands and a lechy smile. Plus, you don’t do anything funny. Unlike us. So take your cans of Carling and leave us wits to it.

SPORT Football, football, football - is that all you talk about? Well yes, it is, because I’m writing in the sport section. No, this is not a mistake. It’s just that as it’s my last issue I thought I may as well have a go. OK, so football. Well, I had a dream about Ledley King the other night... xxx

FILMS Definite improvement on last week, thank God. Cult classic on Wednesday with The Matrix (five, 9pm) which, after two slightly disappointing sequels, looks more impressive and ground-breaking. Alternatively, if you fancy a bit of raunch, go for Eyes Wide Shut (Friday, five, 10pm.) Pure filth and orgies galore!

RADIO As Bill Bailey’s tour of the country came to an end, he popped into Radio 4 to talk about his theremin. Don’t worry, he’s not got an incurable disease, it’s just that odd electric instrument invented by Leon Theremin that works when you put your hand into invisible force fields to create a pitch. It’s quality! Alison from Goldfrapp is also a fan, as is film critic Mark Kermode who loves it when it lets the audience know something disconcerting is happening. Most of you of course, will recognise the theremin from Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys. Catch Bill and others on Radio 4 on Thursday at 11.30am. If Reggae is your thing, listen to The Reggae Show with Mark Lamar (Wed, 9pm, Radio2) where you’ll hear classics such as Junior Blyle’s Fade Away and Zion Bound by Sir Coxone.

Monday

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October 18 - 24 2004

TVDeskStyleGuide@MadeHollyQuit.com

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED! ' 029 20709922

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 The Body of Marilyn Monroe 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 The Smoking Room 23.30 The Smoking Room This is a great idea for a sitcom, plus it has Geoff from Eastenders in it, but sadly this falls way short of being a good sitcom. Shame. 00.00 Sex, Warts and All 00.30 Sex, Warts and All USA 01.00 The Body of Marilyn Monroe 01.55 Body Hits 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 End of Story And so it should soon be the end of the story for BBC Three. The ratings are pissed as a plank, and a wide variety of watchdogs and regulators have generally slammed the entire channel (alongside the more respectable and actually quite good BBC Four) which isn’t even remotely a surprise.

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show John Walsh is a fucking prick. It’s all “morals” this and “God Bless you” that. He’s like a cross between between David Icke and George Bush, with the enternally looming spirit of Montel Williams shining a guiding light. 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.30 Jerry Springer 19.20 Dancing in the Street 19.30 Champions League 20.00 Airline 20.30 Finding Neverland 21.00 FILM: Election No, not “Erection”, you long sighted pervs. **** 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Coronation Street 00.00 The Frank Skinner Show 00.40 World Rally Championship 01.40 Late Show with David Letterman 02.25 Teleshopping 04.25 ITV2 Nightscreen

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 The Zeta Project 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 FILM: Terror Peak ** 12.45 Footballers' Pads 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Battlestar Galactica 21.00 Long Way Round Ewan Macgregor and his less famous friend get their jollies on an expensive motorcycle tour around the entire world. Forgive me if I don’t rush out and get Sky. 22.00 Street Wars 23.00 Deadwood 00.20 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.20 Gamezville 02.10 Time Gentlemen Please 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

Arrows of Desire S4C 10pm

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Nikki 09.20 At the Pictures 09.30 Rude Britannia 10.00 Arrows of Desire 10.25 Growing Up Gay - School's Out 10.50 Rewind: Chart Hits 11.10 Siamese Survivors 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Pentre Bach 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Uned 5 16.20 Medabots 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News. 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Emma seems to be cutting Cai out. Of all the photos in the family album, haha. Just like real psychopaths do. None of this hiding in cupboards rubbish. 20.25 Ffermio 21.00 Mostyn Fflint 'N Aye! The pub in this drama series is called “Inn Your Dreams”. Which is also where the location titler should be finding his career. 21.30 Sgorio 22.35 Y Clwb Rygbi 23.05 Monarchy Documentary presented by TV Will’s new best friend, David Starkey. 00.05 Without a Trace 01.00 World's Worst Century: Black Death 02.00 FILM: Blue Thunder *** TV Desk has been criticised for not saying enough about the programs, and that we’re not serious enough. What, not serious enough for this tabolid cack-rag of a toilet newspaper? How can you get more serious than rotting flange?

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Mio Mao 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Who Wants to Marry My Dad? 15.30 five news update 15.40 FILM: A Perry Mason Mystery: The Case of the Jealous Jokester ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Ultimate Trucks Ultimate bunch of fucks, more like. 20.30 Fifth Gear Motoring 21.00 The Woman with Seven Personalities: Extraordinary People Wow, and there was me thinking that my two personalities were heavy handling. Imagine having seven. The Farrelly brothers would have a field day. Alternative personalities I wish I had: The practical joker, the sex prowler who is obviously a big perv, but wins the ladies over regardless, the nerd, the drunken sophisticate, the tennis player, the shy genius, the outrageous TV presenter, the man who can cry etc. I’d be a one man Dungeons and Dragons cast. 22.00 Boxing Academy 23.05 Russ Meyer: King of Sexploitation 00.05 PartyPoker.com You don’t want to know what I misread this as 01.20 NFL Live: St Louis Rams v Tampa Bay Buccaneers

PRIMETIME

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Is Les flogging a dead horse when he tries to get Dev an elephant? Dev’s probably got a sizeable one already, the amount of womanizing he does. Fnarr. 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 Tunnel Of Love Promising for two reasons. One, my heart’s already sold because Tunnel of Love is also the name of a Bruce Springsteen album, and secondly, this is a drama with Jack Dee, set in a funfair. Like an English version of “Carny”, then. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week 23.30 Tarrant on TV 00.05 The Jules and Lulu Show 00.30 Champions League Weekly 00.55 Building the Dream 01.20

06.20 Tots TV 06.30 Bobinogs 06.45 Wide Eye 07.00 CBBC: Snailsbury Tales 07.15 Arthur 07.30 I Love Mummy 07.55 Newsround 08.00 Scooby and Scrappy Doo 08.20 All or Nothing 08.50 Looney Tunes 09.00 Big Wolf on Campus 09.20 Watch My Chops 09.35 Taz-Mania 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 Come Outside 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 FILM: Lady for a Night ** 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Trade Secrets 13.10 FILM: Impact *** 15.00 The Flying Gardener 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 18.45 Spy 19.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes: Another Helping 20.00 Mastermind 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 21.30 Room 101 TV adaptation of the popular gair rhydd column. 22.00 Early Doors 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Tartan Shorts: Wise Guys 23.30 Tartan Shorts: Sredni Vashtar 23.40 Tartan Shorts: All Over Brazil While the country is gripped by the success of the Scottish World Cup team in the summer of 1974, a 13-year-old boy is more into glam rock than football. So he should be! 23.50 Joins BBC News 24 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Talk Greek 1-6 03.00 Talk Portuguese 1-6 04.30 Talk the Talk: Compilation 05.00 How to Learn a Language Step one: buy a phrase book. Step two: bin it. Step three: ask them to speak English instead.

Who Wants to Marry My Dad? five 2.35pm

P R I M E T I M E

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Animal Park 10.00 Escape to the Country 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Car Booty 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.35 Parade of the Heroes: Athens 2004 14.50 Cash in the Attic 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Pui's Explore Monday: Tots TV 15.35 Boo! 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Stables 16.20 Rugrats 16.35 In 2 Minds 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Izzy refuses to have an ultrasound, the stinking pregnant bitch. Karl, your superiority over your germinating gorgon girlfriend is immeasurable 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news, you imbeciles. 19.00 Holiday 2005 19.30 X-Ray 20.00 EastEnders Martin wonders which one of Eastenders’ many shady characters who all have a good reason to biff his mother, finally put us all out of our misery and did so. 20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Spooks 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 They Think It's All Over 23.05 Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time 23.35 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross 00.05

Coronation Street BBC2 2.00pm

PRIMETIME

Breakfast BBC1 6am

PRIMETIME

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14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace A 19.00 Perfect Match 20.00 Friends Ross meets his dream woman - film star Isabella Rossellini, who’s a great singer and actress and for probably the first time in my life, given Ross tends to opt for lesbians, ugly posh tarts, schoolchildren and Rachel - I feel an affinity with the vacuous prat. 20.30 Friends 21.00 The OC 22.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 22.30 Kings of Comedy 23.00 Without a Trace 00.00 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 00.25 Hollyoaks 00.55 The OC 01.45 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 02.15 Infamous Fives Muhatma Gandhi, Lee Hurst, Colin Farrell, that boring woman who used to sing during Ally McBeal, and Frank “Horse Head and Donkey Wanger” Sinattra. Infamous indeed. 02.40 Kings of Comedy 03.05 Kings of Comedy: Late Night Fweep.

As S4C except: 08.50 The Bernie Mac 09.20 At the Pictures 09.30 Rude Britannia: Ben Intriguing sounding documentary about a group of teenagers all given an antisocial behaviour finger-wag during the summer, and the subsequent after effects (all boring, I presume) 12.30 Cheers Sitcom. 13.00 Frasier 13.30 FILM: The Baby and the Battleship ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: We Are What We Do 20.00 What Made Mozart Tic? (sic) 21.00 Monarchy with David Starkey: A Nation State 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 Father Ted Thank God this is back on. 23.30 The Sopranos 00.40 FILM: Mani Ratnam 02.50 The Boy Next Door 03.05 Unreported World: Hearts, Minds and Souls 03.30 Le Mans Endurance Series 2004: Inside the Mind of a Sportscar Team 04.00 Extra 2 04.25 Making It 04.30 What's So Good About J K Rowling?

Tuesday

October 18 - 24 2004

Page 29

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09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 18.50 Ask a Silly Question Why does my heart feel so bad? Can I go home now? Why can’t we fly? 19.00 Champions League Live: Liverpool v Deportivo La Coruna 22.00 FILM: Red Heat With Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Belushi. I saw Terminator II in Spanish - “I’ll be back” was “Volveré”. Not quite the same. 00.05 The Frank Skinner Show 00.40 Jerry Springer 01.30 Late Show with David Letterman 02.15 The John Walsh Show 03.00 Teleshopping 05.00 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman It’s not late; this is early.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Fun Song Factory 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Champions League: Sparta Prague v Manchester United 21.45 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 21 Join Neil Morrissey....what? Was Bob the Builder not enough for you? 22.30 ITV News 23.00 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 21 Ah, at last, have been waiting half an hour for this thrilling conclusion. Jeez. 23.35 Champions League Highlights 00.30 CD:UK Hotshots 00.55 Scissor Sisters in Profile 01.20 Grounded for Life 01.40 Take the Mike 02.05 Champions League 03.45 Get Stuffed! On Dominos pizza, exceptionally beautiful deliciousness. 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News HTV West. As Wales except: 15.00 ITV1 West News and Weather Regional news round-up. 18.00 ITV1 West News and Weather Regional news round-up.

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 The Zeta Project 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 FILM: Paradise Virus 12.45 Footballers' Pads 13.15 The X Files Reopened 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stargate Atlantis 22.00 Deadwood 23.15 Cold Case 00.15 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.15 Gamezville 02.10 Footballers' Pads 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon No room to write

Cosmetic Surgery five 10.50pm

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Nikki 09.15 Home Sweet Home 09.30 Rude Britannia 10.00 The A-Z of Drugs 10.25 Growing Up Gay - Friends and Lovers 10.50 Rewind: Mixing 11.10 Life Stuff: Without You 11.35 Bobinogi 11.50 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Clwb Clebr 13.05 Caio 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Clwb Winx 16.30 Mona y Fampir 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News. 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Gwenno farts and Sara makes puff pastry. Fnarr. 20.25 Taro 9 21.00 Cyn Dyddiau Rhufain 22.00 Talcen Caled 22.55 The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off Cool, repeat of the documentary I missed on C4 following the last months of 36-year-old Jonny Kennedy. Jonny suffered from Dystrophic Epidermolysis, a terrible skin condition. 00.00 The West Wing 00.55 Going Straight 01.55 Jewish Law 02.55 KOTV Classics 04.00 ThYsgolion/Schools

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.30 Hollyoaks Hopefully Lisa and Scouse boy have more passionate scenes than last week when they stripped and then tucked themselves cosily into bed. Where was the passion, the tearing off of each others clothes? Pah. 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Average Joe Hawaii 20.00 Friends Ugh...20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 Kings of Comedy 22.30 The Sopranos 23.35 Line Of Fire 00.25 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 00.55 Hollyoaks Late-night edition showing the Steph/Lee/Zara spitroast. 01.25 The West Wing 02.10 The Sopranos 03.00 Kings of Comedy 03.25 Kings of Comedy: Late Night Ugh, just ate a free sandwich from the shop. Egg. Free egg? Worrying. If I’m not here next week...

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Mio Mao 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Who Wants to Marry My Dad? 15.30 FILM: Gideon ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 Nigel Marven's Anaconda Adventure 21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.50 Cosmetic Surgery Bigger Breasts: My Breasts Are Too Small Programme exploring the science, gore and glamour of the latest incredible and shocking ways to transform your body. Bet it’s not as good as last weeks prog about flange surgery! 23.55 PartyPoker.com 01.10 John Barnes' Football Night 01.50 V8 Supercars: Bathurst 1000 02.40 Motor Racing: Indy Racing League 03.30 NASCAR Busch Series: Little Trees 300 04.20 US PGA Golf: Chrysler Classic of Greensboro 05.10 US Major League Soccer

PRIMETIME

Get stuffed! ITV1 3.45am

PRIMETIME

06.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.30 Bobinogs 06.45 Wide Eye 07.00 CBBC: Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge 07.05 Snailsbury Tales 07.15 Arthur 07.30 I Love Mummy 07.55 Newsround 08.00 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.20 All or Nothing 08.50 Looney Tunes 09.00 Big Wolf on Campus A hairy Talybont student terrifies fellow academics. 09.20 Watch My Chops 09.35 Taz-Mania 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 Come Outside 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 Wild: Birding with Bill Oddie 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 The Phil Silvers Show 13.20 Wild 13.30 Gardening with the Experts 14.00 am.pm 15.00 The Flying Gardener How can you prune your roses or rake your lawn when you’re prancing around six feet in the air on a Turkish rug? 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 18.45 Spy 19.30 Map Man: John Ogilby's Britannia 20.00 Bank of Mum and Dad 21.00 Who Do You Think You Are?: Amanda Redman What’s this? People who think they are Amanda Redman? Is this a recognised condition? 22.00 Booker Prize Live 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Historians of Genius: The History of England 00.15 FILM: The Four Hundred Blows Story of porn-star Vanna Schmaldich. Graphic tales of juice, tears and anal beads. 01.45 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: History: Britain 1906-1918 04.00 History: Britain 1750-1900

PRIMETIME

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Snack Attack 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Brand New Little Angels Advice on parenting with clinical psychologist Dr Tanya Byron. This edition features three-year-old bastard triplets that are running riot and causing their parents grief. Smack the little turds. 21.00 New Little Britain Ah, at last, something watchable on this horrific channel. Matt Lucas and David Walliams are my saviours. 21.30 My Life in Film 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Good Girls Don't smell their fingers, eat sprouts. 22.55 The Graham Norton Effect23.40 The Real Little Britain 00.40 Sex, Warts and All USA 01.10 Sex, Warts and All USA 01.40 Liquid Assets: Duran Duran 02.35 The Real Little Britain 03.35 Body Hits

BBC2 3pm

06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Tales of a Wise King 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 11.10 Borrow a Baby 12.30 Cheers 12.55 Frasier 13.25 What's in a Word? 13.35 FILM: Niagara 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: We Are What We Do 20.00 Location, Location, Location 20.30 Too Posh to Wash 21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 Stealing Lives 23.05 Ban This Filth 23.35 Six Feet Under 00.35 Nip/Tuck 01.35 Porn: A Family Business: Sex Toys 02.05 Monkey 02.55 Reasons to be Cheerful 03.05 The Porsche Carrera Cup 03.30 FIM Motocross 04.00 Extra 2 04.25 Making It 04.30 What's So Good About J K Rowling? 04.45 Changing Cities 05.00 Art Store 1 05.15 Tackling Technology 05.30 Star Maths

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Animal Park 10.00 Escape to the Country 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Car Booty 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Doctors 15.05 Animal Park: Young Blood 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Sid's Fix It Tuesday: Bob the Builder 15.35 Little Robots 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Stables 16.20 Rugrats 16.35 Shoebox 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Izzy attempts to fool Karl with her old ultrasound. Summer searches for her holiday romance. Summer’s turning into a minx of Hannah Martin sized proportions. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Alfie's excited about Kat's return. Me too. 20.00 Holby City 21.00 A Thing Called Love 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life: Make Me a Man Again Documentary about a man who had a sex change after his business and personal life collapsed, only to realise later it was a mistake. Yikes, schoolboy error. Nowt wrong with a pair of boobies to fiddle with all day though. 23.45 FILM: Goodbye Lover 01.40 Sign Zone: Loving Christian:

The Flying Gardener

PRIMETIME

Make me a man again BBC1 23.05

Wednesday

Page 30

October 18 - 24 2004

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: On the Lash Dr John Marsden examines the effects of various party-associated substances on the body. This edition concentrates on the nation's favourite drug - alcohol. 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels Clinical psychologist Dr Tanya Byron offers advice on parenting. 21.00 FILM: Top Gun With Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis. (Action, 1986) 22.45 My Life in Film 23.15 Flashmobbed 23.45 Flashmob: The Opera Paddy O'Connell introduces a contemporary operatic production performed live in a mainline station, featuring arias and choruses from popular operas set to lyrics by Tony Bicat.00.45 Sex, Warts and All USA 01.15 Sex, Warts and All USA 01.45 Sex and the Settee 02.45 Ruby Does the Business 03.45 Sex, Warts and All USA Good God, I’m actually so bored of this channel, I’m keeping the original programme descriptions to save my breath.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 17.55 The X Factor 19.00 The Xtra Factor 20.00 The Xtra Factor It is the morning after the judges' selection of their three final acts, and the news must be broken to the contestants. Still by far the best thing to watch all week. 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show 23.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned Frank Skinner and David Baddiel - unscripted and totally unrehearsed - tackle subjects suggested by a studio audience. 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.45 Late Show with David Letterman 01.35 The John Walsh Show 02.15 Teleshopping 04.15 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 The Zeta Project 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files Reopened 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 FILM: Wildfire 7: The Inferno ** 12.45 Footballers' Pads 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons Principal Skinner and Mrs Krabappel escort their students on a trip fraught with danger to the Fort Springfield Civil War site. 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 TV Meltdown 21.00 The Real Mrs Robinson Adult reality entertainment series. 22.00 Tim Lovejoy and the Allstars 23.00 Mile High 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Gamezville 01.50 Footballers' Pads 02.15 Footballers' Pads 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

The Matrix five 9.00pm

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Average Joe Hawaii 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 One Tree Hill 22.00 Kings of Comedy 22.30 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip Society princesses Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie once again leave behind the comforts of their lavish lifestyles to travel across the US. This week, they pitch up at a nudist colony and take jobs as chambermaids at the resort hotel. 23.00 Green Wing Really good comedy-drama series. Caroline is broody, but confused whether to put her trust in Guy or Mac. Guy hires a hitman to destroy Mac's good looks and Statham falls for the chaplain. 00.10 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 00.40 Hollyoaks 01.05 No Angels 02.05 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 02.25 Infamous Fives 02.55 Kings of Comedy 03.20 Kings of Comedy: Late Night Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. Fucking Xmas songs.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Mio Mao 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Who Wants to Marry My Dad? I dunno, you tell me. He seems quite secretive about his girlfriends of late, does Daddy. Mind you, he’s been married twice already, third time lucky. 15.30 five news update 15.40 FILM: Mary Higgins Clark's Let Me Call You Sweetheart ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Big Art Challenge 20.00 Jennie Bond's Royals: The horrifically irritating, snotty-nosed Jennie Bond introduces us to her ‘family’ and shows us round their small bungalow in Kendall. Follows the trials and tribulations of their daily life including a night out at KFC. 21.00 FILM: The Matrix (Science Fiction, 1999) Well yeah, it’s good but, my God Keanu, you were lucky. Will Smith was offered this role but didn’t understand the plot so turned it down. **** 23.35 Decoded: The Making of Matrix Reloaded Behind the scenes of big-budget sci-fi sequel Matrix Reloaded. 00.10 PartyPoker.com European Open 01.25 Major League Baseball 04.30 Dutch Football: A do Den Haag v PSV Eindhoven

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Grudge Match 09.00 Schools: Borrow a Baby Presumably about one of those school incentives to persuade kids to use condoms, and not about stealing a baby from a pram in Sainsbury’s. 09.50 Rude Britannia 10.20 Life Stuff: The A-Z of Drugs 10.45 Arrows of Desire 11.10 Rewind: Jazz 11.30 Anelu at Ragoriaeth 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Bws Parti 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Traed Moch 16.30 Popty Bach 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends The One With The Big Ginger Flange 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News. 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Gweini 21.30 Grand Designs Abroad Series in which people attempt to build their dream homes in Europe. Kevin McCloud meets a couple who wish to convert a traditional French alpine farmhouse. 22.30 Nip/Tuck A rival surgeon offers to trade his Lamborghini for Christian's girlfriend. Liz bonds with Sophia, and Matt continues to visit the comatose Cara.23.30 Six Feet Under 00.35 Ban This Filth 01.05 Line of Fire 02.05 Unreported World 02.35 Unreported World 03.00 FILM: Mani Ratnam Presents: Kannathil Muthamittal With

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Butterfingers 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Gail's got what she wants out of Charlie, fnarr! Shelley sees it with her own eyes. Maya is a cat amongst the pigeons in the Rovers. What a bunch of riddles, eh? I guess you’ll just have to watch and see. 20.00 The Bill 21.00 The Great British Spelling Test Literacy challenge. Acheive or achieve? Definitely or definately? Fnarr or fnar? Am well excited about this, all those years with a Speak’N’Spell is finallygonna pay off! 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: Mystery, Alaska 01.05 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 02.00 Riders and Rich Kids 02.30 World Sport 02.55 Trisha 03.45 Motorsport UK 04.15 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Argh, messed up this silly page, I dunno what I’m doing, la de da da da doo de doo, fill fill fill with shit, do do....

06.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.30 Bobinogs 06.45 Wide Eye 07.00 CBBC: Snailsbury Tales 07.15 Arthur 07.30 I Love Mummy 07.55 Newsround 08.00 The Scooby and Scrappy Show Ah, Yabba Doo doesn’t appear in this episode, whoever the frig he is. 08.20 All or Nothing 08.50 Looney Tunes 09.00 Big Wolf on Campus 09.20 Watch My Chops Eeew, no thanks! 09.35 Taz-Mania 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 Come Outside 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Wild: Birding with Bill Oddie 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: Irene 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 18.45 Spy 19.30 A Year at Kew 21.00 The Power of Nightmares: Baby It's Cold Outside 22.00 Arrested Development 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Nike's Highland Fling 23.50 BBC Four on BBC Two: Historians of Genius: The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire Chuck just told everyone he’s too busy even to pest himself, let alone my friend Beverley (names have been changed for legal reasons) Poor Beverley. Let’s hope Chuck sees sense and shows Bev his snake.00.40 FILM: Shoot the Pianist With Charles Aznavour and Marie Dubois. (Crime, 1962) **** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: History: The First World War 04.00 History: Nazi Germany Goddam it, how much more do you want?

Spelling Test ITV1 9.00pm

P R I M E T I M E

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Animal Park 10.00 Escape to the Country 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Car Booty 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Chris' Sing-a-Long Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 16.30 I Dream 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news. 19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 Ground Force Good excuse to go to Welsh Club tonight, I say. You could accidentally chat to a member of Tommy and the Chauffeur like I did last night. 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 What Not to Wear Leggings, t-shirts that say “If You Think I’m a Bitch, Look at My Mother!” FCUK tops, three-quarter length flares, flip-flops with heels, leg warmers. 21.00 British Isles: a Natural History 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Max: a Lifetime of Laughter 23.05 Christopher Reeve: Keeping Hope in Motion 00.05 FILM: Last Embrace With Roy Scheider and Janet Margolin. (Thriller, 1979) 01.50 Sign Zone: Watchdog 02.20 Sign Zone: A Year at Kew 02.50 Sign Zone 03.20 Joins BBC News

Watch my chops BBC2 9.20am

What not to wear BBC1 8.00pm

PRIME-

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06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Tales of a Wise King 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 09.15 Home Sweet Home 09.30 Rude Britannia: Sophia 10.00 The AZ of Drugs 10.25 Arrows of Desire 10.50 Rewind: Jazz 11.10 Howard Goodall's Great Dates. 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.25 Sing with Bollywood 13.30 Sing with Bollywood 13.35 FILM: Freedom Radio 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: We Are What We Do 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Grand Designs Abroad 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.05 Sex and the City 23.45 Sex and the City 00.25 Outside: In Shane's Shoes Edinburgh Film Festival. 00.55 Outside: All the Girls I've Loved Before 02.00 Outside: Birthday Boy 02.15 Outside: Movimento 03.15 KOTV 03.40 Brazilian Football Championship 05.25 Countdown Blimey C4, you’re putting me out of a job.

Thursday

October 18 - 24 2004

Page 31

driedretinas@garysfan.co.uk

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The Block Australia 16.45 UEFA Cup Live: Egaleo FC v Middlesbrough/Panionios v Newcastle 21.45 FILM: 48 Hrs Not to be confused with Spike Lee’s 25th Hour with Ed Norton. I did. 23.40 Cheating Spouses: Caught on Tape Not sure if this is the actual ‘cheating’ caught on tape but my fellow perverts should be sure to tune in just in case. 00.40 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned In complete contrast to my attack on David Baddiel, which will be completely and professionally planned. Get locks on your door David. I like a challenge. 01.10 Jerry Springer 01.55 Late Show with David Letterman 02.40 Teleshopping 04.40 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman My word, this is late. Better set the old video.

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 The Zeta Project 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 Blonde 12.45 Footballers' Pads 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 2 21.00 The 1970s Office 22.00 Law and Order 23.00 24 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Gamezville 01.50 Footballers' Pads 02.15 House Sitters 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dr Phil 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon If anyone is female, beautiful, possesses wit and a lack of distaste akin to Chairman Mao, we are recruiting at TV desk. Send a photo to TV Willy, 4th floor of the Union.

P R I M E T I M E

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Fun Song Factory 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Scary Sleepover 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 The Bill Bill Clinton, ‘The Bill’, takes viewers through his own library of ‘Congress’. This week we go from ‘C’ for cunnilingus, to ‘F’ for frottage. Pnarrr. 20.30 Emmerdale 21.00 Holiday Showdown My holiday was better than everyone’s this year. Where did you go, Tenerife? Knob off. I got lost in train stations in Japan. 22.00 The Frank Skinner Show 22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Frank Skinner Show 23.30 The Guest List This has got lots of exciting new bands on. Well exciting if you read the NME and make silly compilations for people who don’t called ‘Education’. 00.00 Soccer Night 00.25 Wolf Lake 01.15 Shoot The Writers Of the TV listings 01.40 Strictly Soho 02.05 ITV at Reading 2004 Carlton and Granada chiefs get mucky.

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Fat Nation on Three 20.30 Brand New Little Angels 21.00 Band Aid: The Record that Rocked the World The record in question, ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas Time in Africa When We Are Feeding The World and Sending Our Wishes Down The Well’. Was actually number one on the day I was born. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Wedding Stories Kim and Paul from Blackpool are both single parents and former childhood sweethearts. Michelle and Susanah's big gay day is looking less likely as their love hits the rocks. Less talking. More fucking please. 23.30 Blood on the Turntable 00.30 Band Aid: The Record that Rocked the World 01.25 The Body of JFK Was bloated with cocaine and champagne. As well as the occasional bullet protruding here and there.02.25 Fat Nation on Three 02.55 Sex, Warts and All USA 03.25 Sex, Warts and All USA

06.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.30 Bobinogs 06.45 Wide Eye 07.00 CBBC: Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge 07.05 CBBC: Snailsbury Tales 07.15 Arthur 07.30 I Love Mummy 07.55 Newsround 08.00 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.20 All or Nothing 08.50 Looney Tunes 09.00 Big Wolf on Campus 09.20 Watch My Chops 09.35 Taz-Mania 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 Come Outside 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 The Phil Silvers Show 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Trade Secrets 13.10 FILM: They Flew Alone 15.00 The Flying Gardener 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 18.45 Spy Eight 19.30 Iolo's Natural History of Wales 20.00 Natural World: Norfolk Broads: The Fall and Rise of a Great Swamp Well, doesn’t this sound like THE most interesting thing on telly tonight.? 20.50 Wild: Badger Country Behind the scenes look at the Harry Hill show’s badger parade. Chance would be a fine thing. 21.00 Horizon 21.50 I'll Show Them Who's Boss Gary Andrews tries to assert his authority by bribing staff with a larger than normal order of pizza. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Historians of Genius: The French Revolution by Thomas Carlyle 00.15 FILM: The Woman Next Door doesn’t wear enough clothes.

MechaNick five 9.05am

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Grudge Match 09.00 Schools: Howard Goodall's Great Dates 09.50 Rude Britannia 10.20 Life Stuff: The A-Z of Drugs 10.45 Arrows of Desire 11.10 Rewind: Classical 11.30 Bitesize Gwyddoniaeth Ffiseg 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Cheers 13.45 Frasier 14.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.005.00): Troeon Tristan 16.25 Crafwr 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 News programme about Wales. I bet the producers of this don’t sup on warm cans of student Carling. Nope! 19.30 Newyddion News. 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 30 years and still Cwnning. 20.25 Helwyr Planhigion 21.30 Location, Location, Location 22.00 Mostyn Fflint 'N Aye! 22.30 Bandit 23.00 Wife Swap 00.05 The Sopranos 01.10 Monkey Despite the departure of our dear friend TV Holly, TV desk have been cheered up by the arrival of Domino’s pizza. However, the arrival of rain has dampened our squib. So to speak. 02.05 FILM: Kissed 03.25 Brazilian Football Championship Yes, Ken, I know it doesn’t all look the same size. Maybe next week we can all be professional. Fnarrrrr.

14.00 Your Face or Mine? 14.30 Without a Trace 15.30 Average Joe Hawaii 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace Simple school children struggle as they use tracing paper to do juvenile outlines of their favourite celebrities, Simon Schama and David Blunkett. 19.00 Average Joe Hawaii 20.00 Friends E4 is always so darn tricky to write about. It’s not that there are particularly boring programmes on (nor particularly good) but it’s the same thing everyday. Gah! If only I had the knowledge/skills/desire to write for a real bit of the paper where words like flange, frottage and theremin. 20.30 Friends 21.00 Kings of Comedy: Live 22.35 Six Feet Under 23.40 Curb Your Enthusiasm Oh dear TV listings, I couldn’t possibly curb my enthusiasm for cutting and pasting the TV listings every week. 00.15 Hollyoaks 00.45 The West Wing 01.35 Kings of Comedy: Live

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Mio Mao 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Who Wants to Marry My Dad? 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: Man from Taos 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Built for the Kill: Predator Packs Teams of sub-editors stalk the land attacking the weak, and TV desk. 20.00 FILM: The Perfect Storm 22.30 FILM: Bad Influence 00.25 The Making of Alien vs Predator I think I can guess the content of this. Take two really good films. Multiply by the worse director in modern cinema history. Divide by a preposterously far-fetched storyline. Factor in some hammy acting. Voila! 00.50 PartyPoker.com European Open 02.05 Dutch Football: PSV Eindhoven v Ajax TV Willy tries to insert blantant libel. Editor Gary removes said libel. 03.35 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v Huracan 05.10 Argentinian Football Highlights “Ah go on TV desk, go on, change the style sheets, ah go on, go on, go on, go on, on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on will ye?” Last one, promise.

08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 09.15 Home Sweet Home 09.30 Rude Britannia: Maria 10.00 The A-Z of Drugs 10.50 Rewind: Classical 11.10 Life Stuff: This Teen Life 12.30 Cheers 13.00 What's in a Word? A few characters, a bit of pronounciation 13.15 Sing with Bollywood 13.20 FILM: I'm All Right, Jack 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away Is this one programme or two? Must be another of those things where they displace a perfectly happy family to some odd corner of the world in the name of TV 18.30 Hollyoaks TV desk used to get fanmail you know. My how times have changed. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 3 Minute Wonder As my girlfriend will no doubt profess, this could well be a documentary about me. I race Ramones songs in the sack. Not a good thing. 20.00 Beyond River Cottage 20.30 No Going Back: Chaos at the Castle 21.00 Sex Traffic 22.55 FILM: Jagged Edge

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Animal Park 10.00 Escape to the Country 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Car Booty 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Sue's Make and Do Thursday: Big Cook Little Cook 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Mona the Vampire 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 The Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Should I Worry About...? 19.30 Fat Nation: the Big Challenge 20.00 EastEnders Martin tries to explain to the police about Sarah. Zoe turns to crack. 20.30 Too Close for Comfort The story of the children dancing with Michael Jackson at the ‘96 Brit Awards. 21.00 Blood Brothers 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Dragon's Eye 23.05 Question Time 00.05 This Week 00.50 FILM: Darkman II: The Return of Durant Former Rangers defender Iain Durrant returns to do battle with Darkman!

Bandit S4C 10.30pm

PRIMETIME

BBC2 8.30pm

Your Face Or Mine E4 2.30 pm

P R I M E T I M E

Too Close For Comfort

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Friday

Page 32

October 18 - 24 2004

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Grease Monkeys This is such a load of crap. I saw an episode the other day, and it just had a man talking to his penis and it had a face and talked to him when he got a boney. One hell of a humour-free zone. 21.30 Grease Monkeys 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Outlaws 23.00 New Little Britain Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comic look at life in Britain. With Vanessa Feltz, Nigel Havers, Anthony Head, Geraldine James and Ruth Madoc. Too many guest actors, if you ask me. Like they need them. 23.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli Chris Crudelli watches a man pull a van with his penis. The old devil. 00.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 00.30 Blood on the Turntable 01.25 Grease Monkeys 01.55 Grease Monkeys 02.25 Outlaws

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Finger Tips 16.20 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 Help! I'm A Teenage Outlaw 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Marlon struggles with his four little nightmares. Puberty, eyebrows, being in Emmerdale, and gout. 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Airline 21.00 Rosemary and Thyme 22.00 Grass Roots 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Chosen 23.30 Win, Lose or Draw Late 00.05 The Frank Skinner Show 01.05 Dan and Dusty With Dan Aykroyd and Dusty Bin, of 123 fame.01.35 Orange Playlist 02.00 Grounded for Life Still the worst sitcom of all time 02.25 Entertainment Now! 02.55 The Paul O'Grady Show 03.40 Mixmasters 04.05 CD:UK Hotshots 04.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 05.00 ITV Nightscreen

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Emmerdale 10.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.40 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Movies Now 19.00 Orange Playlist 19.30 Finding Neverland 20.00 Emmerdale Secrets: Comedy Moments No. 463 Marlons eyebrows. No. 464, the plane crash. “Oh how we laughed” - Amos 21.00 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas Factor and gets the gossip. 22.00 FILM: Runaway Bride ** 00.10 Coronation Street 00.40 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 01.30 Late Show with David Letterman 02.20 Teleshopping 04.20 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Wow, I’ve just seen the cover of the new Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster album. It’s so great!

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 The Zeta Project 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Beverly Hills 90210 12.45 Footballers' Pads 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Battlestar Galactica 21.00 The Ultimate Playboy 22.00 EuroMillions Live Draw Live coverage of the National Lottery EuroMillions weekly draw. 22.05 FILM: Basic Instinct Sleazy buffalo-crap. But worth indulging nonetheless. You know you’re going to... **** 00.30 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.30 Gamezville 02.25 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.20 Dr Phil 04.15 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

Help I’m a Teenage Outlaw ITV1 4.30pm

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Nikki 09.15 Home Sweet Home 09.30 Rude Britannia 10.00 Beckett on Film 10.15 Twelfth Night 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Channel 4 Racing from Newbury and Doncaster 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.005.00): Uned 5 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Rownd a Rownd 19.30 Newyddion News. 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Hwyl y Noson 21.00 Mawr 21.30 Property Ladder 22.30 FILM: Little Nicky Little Nicky was also the name of a character in Twin Peaks in one of the worst story arcs of the second season, where Dick Tremaine thinks his nephew or or something, is the devil. I wonder if they stole the name and idea for this Adam Sandler shower. For more irrelevant Twin Peaks musings, call back next week. ** 00.10 Kings of Comedy 01.10 Green Wing 02.10 Will and Grace 02.40 Headliners: Damien Rice 03.10 Le Mans Endurance Series 2004: Inside the Mind of a Sportscar Team 03.40 FIM Motocross World Championships 04.05 Porsche Carrera Cup News Desk, who have been ladding it up drinking special brew in the office all night, are now discussing going to the pub. All the important facts about YOUR student life is right here, guys. If there’s a current event you’re after, one of these pissheads will no doubt stumble along to write it up.

14.00 T4 Movie Special 14.30 Without a Trace 15.30 Average Joe Hawaii 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends . 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 Average Joe Hawaii Dickage Joe Wankstain, more like. 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends man with a prosthetic leg. 21.00 Faking It: The T4 Specials 22.00 FILM: Urban Legend Despite having Jared Leto and Joshua Jackson in it, I’ve strangely never heard of this. It sounds utterly fantastic, although I suspect it isn’t. Let me know! ** 23.55 Hollyoaks “Soap about a group of teenagers and the battles they face” it says here. Like the battle of which bleached haired cock-gobbler to leer your wiley skag-riddled eyes on. Or which rock hard runt has snuffed your duffer this week. 00.25 T4 Movie Special 00.55 Faking It: The T4 Specials 01.55 The Secret Life of Us 02.50 Line Of Fire

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Mio Mao 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Who Wants to Marry My Dad? 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: The Nephew ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Kim grabs Hyde by the throat. Fnarr. 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 House Doctor: Ann's Top Ten! 20.00 How to be a Property Developer 21.00 House Doctor: Inside and Out 22.00 Film: Eyes Wide Shut *** 01.00 PartyPoker.com This sounds highly suspicious. A friend of mine used to be obsessed with late night poker on cable. European Open 02.15 FILM: Gummo *** 03.45 Melrose Place 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters Some bad news has just happened. TV Holly, under the pressure of trying to work a nine to five shift, write a book, and attempt to write the TV listings for no pay, has quit. This should be covered by news, really, but they’re probably singing Wonderwall and dribbling into their pints by now. The final straw, they say, is the new style guides which add about two to three hours to the time taken to write these listings, just so the fonts look pretty. A real shame, especially since I never got...

PRIMETIME

06.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.30 Bobinogs 06.45 Wide Eye 07.00 CBBC: Snailsbury Tales 07.15 Arthur 07.30 I Love Mummy 07.55 Newsround 08.00 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.20 All or Nothing 08.50 Looney Tunes 09.00 Big Wolf on Campus 09.20 Watch My Chops 09.35 Taz-Mania 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 Come Outside 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 FILM: Nell Gwyn *** 12.15 Trade Secrets 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 FILM: Taras Bulba ** 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Apprentice 19.20 The Flying Gardener 19.30 Hidden Gardens 20.00 A Year at Kew 20.30 Gardeners' World 21.00 Timewatch: The Black Pharoahs 21.50 The Planets - Brief Encounters: Saturn 22.00 QI Stephen Fry 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later With Jools Holland Anita Baker, the Cure, Jackson Browne, Emrace, Nas and Futureheads. Alright, overrated but quite good, boring, wank, average-to-good rapper and a load of old bollocks. Not a good week in Jools’ world. 00.35 FILM: Rock, Rock, Rock! ** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Framing and Forming 02.30 The Sonnet 03.00 Music to the Ear This week: Canadian band The Dears are news to my ears. Also: The Cardigans, Iron and Wine, Okkervil River, Paul Westerberg, and M Ward 03.30 Philosophy in Action: Debates about Boxing 04.00 The Emperor's Gift 04.30 From Here to Modernity

P R I M E T I M E

Your Union

PRIMETIME

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Animal Park 10.00 Escape to the Country Revisited 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Car Booty 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Nicole's Furry Friends Friday: Binka 15.35 The Koala Brothers 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 16.30 The Basil Brush Show 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 A Question of Sport With Harry Redknapp, the jolly red old twat. 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 All about Me 21.00 French and Saunders 21.30 Have I Got News for You 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Wow, Johnno Ross in having good music on his show AGAIN, shocker. Nancy Sinatra the other week was divine and now... and now Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. Oh yes. Nick Cave 23.35 FILM: Jet Li's The Legend 2 ** Don’t beat Nick Cave in the legend stakes, do you “Jet” Hmm?

Rock Rock Rock! BBC2 12.35.pm

PRIMETIME

Big Wolf on Campus Eyes Wide Shut BBC2 9am five 10.00pm

PRIMETIME

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...to give her one on the Union balcony. So many dreams unfulfilled! Letters of utter abject horror can, nay, SHOULD be sent to the usual letters page. There’s a rumour afoot that TV John might be quitting in the near future too, such is life. Anyone interesting in taking our places, let us know. But anyway, back to Channel 4. 06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Tales of a Wise King 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show12.30 Cheers 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.35 The West Wing 20.30 Friends 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 Green Wing 22.35 Kings of Comedy 23.40 UK Music Hall of Fame Vote for Bruce Springsteen you cunts! 01.45 4 Music: Popworld 02.35 4 Music: hit40uk 03.00 4 Music: 4 Play 03.15 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 03.40 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 04.05 Freesports on 4: Freeskiing, 04.55 Countdown 05.40 Animal Alphabet 05.45 Tales of a Wise King 05.50 Angela Anaconda

Saturday

October 18 - 24th 2004

Page 33

tabloidshitrag@whosaidthat.net

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.40 Coronation Street Omnibus 15.05 The Planet's Funniest Animals 15.30 The Xtra Factor 16.30 F1: Qualifying Live: Brazil 18.15 The Block 19.05 Movies Now 19.15 Orange Playlist Lauren Laverne sticks her Wearside nose into some new, probably dire, music. 19.45 It's Good to Be... Justin Timberlake Unless you particularly dislike having sex with Cameron Diaz upon a bed of $50 bills. 20.15 The Xtra Factor 21.15 The Planet's Funniest Animals 21.45 Movies Now How can it be movies now if it was on at seven o’clock. Me-thinks ITV2 are scraping a shallow bucket. 22.00 The Xtra Factor 22.30 FILM: Leon A rather good film about an assassin played by hairy Frenchman Jean Reno. Featuring pre-foxy Amidala, Natalie Portman. 00.35 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 01.35 Teleshopping 03.05 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.10 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Zoids 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 08.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 09.00 Gamezville 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Dream Team 14.00 Malcolm in the Middle 14.30 Malcolm in the Middle 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Malcolm in the Middle 17.30 Oliver Beene 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 2 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stargate Atlantis 22.00 Hex 23.45 Street Wars 00.45 FILM: Daleks - Invasion Earth 21.50 AD 02.20 TV Meltdown Or as each and every Thursday night may as well be called, TV Desk meltdown. 03.10 Frank Bruno: Laid Bare 04.05 Star Trek: Voyager 05.00 What about Mimi? 05.30 What about Mimi? She is celibate by choice.

14.00 hit40uk 14.25 Hollyoaks Omnibus 16.35 hit40uk 17.00 Friends This is the one where Chandler gets stuck in the ATM machine with that model, to ‘hilarious’ effect Gum? Gum would be perfection! Golden. 17.30 Average Joe: Hawaii 18.30 Average Joe: Hawaii 19.30 Average Joe: Hawaii Not one, not two but three stonking episodes of AVH (as I like to call it.) One of them features the lucky lady suitor pretending to be her own mother and introducing herself to the Average Joes. I’m sure this is also to ‘hilarious effect’. 20.30 Friends No-one at this newspaper has any. Particularly me. 21.00 Robbie Williams: The Show-Off Must Go On 22.00 The Joe Schmo Show Pontypridd?!? 23.00 Kings of Comedy Any fucker complaining about too much swearing in our esteemed publication. 00.10 Bo' Selecta! 00.40 Porn: A Family Business 01.15 Porn: A Family Business 01.50 Line Of Fire 02.40 Kings of Comedy

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.00 RAD - The Groms Tour America: The Groms Tour 11.30 Xcalibur 12.00 Beyblade 12.30 Duel Masters 13.00 Combat Club 13.30 The Chart 14.00 Dawson's Creek 15.00 FILM: Green Card The struggle to actually get an NUS number from this university. Surely it’s written on your University card TV Willy? No. Arse. 17.00 FILM: Born to Be Wild 18.50 Charmed 19.40 five news 20.00 Britains Worst Cook Luke Pavey: Despite almost redeeming himself with a tasty chicken sweet & sour, my housemate’s contributions to the culinary world are usually bathed in a dirty tupperware dish. Yuk yuk yuk. 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation A look at TV desk when TV Willy finally has his despicable way. 21.55 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit As I recently proclaimed at the birthday party of a former house-mate, “I’m special!” Whether I am a unit or not is up for debate 22.50 The Shield 23.55 World Series Baseball Like those who say cricket is boring, non-baseball fans don’t know what they’re missing. No, I’m not one of those lonely jizz riders who stay up all night clad in Baltimore Orioles merchandise, but if you work silly hours over the summer it’s enought to keep you mildly entertained. 03.50 2004 X Games 04.20 The Invaders 05.10 Sons and Daughters

M I T E M I R

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Freesports on 4: Red Bull Surfing the Amazon 07.25 Days of Thunder Racing 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.55 Scrapheap Challenge 11.00 hit40uk 11.25 The OC 12.15 Grudge Match 12.25 Trains with Pete Waterman 13.30 Atlantic Britain 14.00 Channel 4 Racing from Doncaster and Newbury Doncaster’s football team recently changed the name of their stadium from the charming Belle Vue, to the awful, AWFUL Earth Stadium. I’m not sure whether Earth is the name of a new phone company or just a reference to our home planet, but this is silly. If we wanted a stadium to represent Earth surely it would be the fantastically fantastic City of Manchester Stadium. 16.05 Atlantic Britain 16.30 Force of Nature 17.00 Newyddion News. 17.10 Y Clwb Rygbi I fancy a bit of rugby. Actually no I don’t because I’m not a testosterone filled beer vacuum with more aftershave on than is neccessary to cover up the smell of malignant agression problems. 19.25 Y Clwb Pel-Droed 20.00 Newyddion News. 20.15 Twrio Live 21.20 Sex Traffic 23.10 FILM: The Cell Perhaps the only good thing about having S4C instead of this toss is that this screening of The Cell is a week later than when it was on Channel 4. 01.05 Make Me a Perfect Wife 02.05 Kings of Comedy 03.05 Freesports on 4: Freeskiing and Surfing 04.00 Freesports on 4: Freeskiing, Surfing, Motocross You heard jockstrap boy. Go on, have another can of cheap Continental lager. Good boy.

P R I M E T I M E

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 The Planet's Funniest Animals 13.00 FILM: Young Sherlock Holmes 15.00 Inspector Morse 17.00 ITV1 Wales News 17.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 18.00 The X Factor 19.15 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Me. That way I can abandon any hope of being a proper journalist and spend my millions producing newsletters aimed to specifially libel and slander any fucker who fancied suing my rich bottom. 21.15 The X Factor Result Also surprisingly good, I’m ashamed to admit, depsite the obvious tokenism. Saying that the blind kid is a better singer than the one who can see. 22.00 Parkinson I watched Parky for the first time in years last Saturday. For what? The guests: Jamie Oliver, Joan Rivers and Cliff bloody Richard, I think they must have loaded the first few ITV shows with the good guests. This weeks are just as bad. Don’t watch. 23.05 ITV News 23.20 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix I’ve got a Brazillian, me 01.00 FILM: Michael Collins 03.10 CD:UK 04.00 Shoot The Writers 04.25 Entertainment Now! 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning

PRIMETIME

E M I T E M I R P

19.00 Little Angels 19.30 FILM: The Italian Job With Michael Caine and Noel Coward. That’ll be the good one rather than the one Ed Norton was contractually obliged ot put his name to. 21.10 Spooks I made it my duty to watch this for the first time the other night. I was pleasantly surprised it’s really rather good. Although I think the guy who plays Tom is going to be in the Hollywood version of Pride and Prejudice. Yuk yuk yuk. 22.10 Little Britain Matt and David were in Cardiff last week signing copies of their DVD. Like the professional he is TV Willy wasn’t there to get an interview. 22.40 My Life in Film Or: How I learned to stop worrying and love being in porn. 23.10 The Graham Norton Effect 00.00 Good Girls Don't 00.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.25 Band Aid: The Record that Rocked the World A plaster did that? Wow. 02.25 Liquid Assets: Duran Duran 03.20 Inner Spaces

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Bill's Food 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Cagney and Lacey 13.30 Nero Wolfe Mysteries 15.00 The Return of Sherlock Holmes 15.55 The Flying Gardener The train that was flagging behind the Flying Scotsman. Titchmarsh on speed. 16.05 What the Papers Say This one says a lot about dwindling standards in British education. It wouldn’t have happened under Neil Kinnock! 16.15 Flog It! We make the same old tired joke about this every week. But we are the same old tired TV desk after all. Apart from TV Holly (now simply Holly) who has upped sticks and left for sunnier climes. That’s right folks she’s serving hot dogs at the Millenium Stadium! 17.15 FILM: Stranded In South Wales with nothing but my TV listing and dreams of fame as a ballerina. 20.10 Magic: Levitation 21.10 Venice: Beauty I dread to think what has happened under Neil Kinnock. Is he still alive? 22.10 FILM: Unhook the Stars 23.50 FILM: Bubble Boy 01.10 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Designer Rides: the Jerk and the Jounce 02.30 Deadly Quarrels Number 167: TV Desk versus the rest of gair rhydd. We have lost a member, but together, like Scottish Widows, we are stronger. 03.00 Building by Numbers 03.30 The Spiral of Silence 04.00 The Rainbow 04.30 Refining the View 05.00 Cell City: Inter-City 05.30 Leg before Cricket 05.45 Background Brief - Magnetic Mayhem

Born To Be Wild five 5pm

Your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBBC: Astro Boy 07.20 The Mummy 07.45 Arthur 08.10 Taz-Mania 08.35 The Scooby-Doo Show 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.10 Rugby League 13.15 World Masters Darts 15.45 Football Half-Times 15.50 World Masters Darts 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.10 BBC News 17.25 Only Fools and Horses 18.15 Strictly Come Dancing 19.30 National Lottery Wright around the World Ian ‘father of Shaun Wright Phillips’ Wright, hosts another new variation on the tired lottery format. I shall be watching with my three housemates this week as we bought a lucky dip between us. Cross those fingers! 20.10 Casualty 21.00 Strictly Come Dancing 21.10 One Night with Rod Stewart Left my backside with sorer than average chaffing. 22.10 BBC News; Weather 22.30 Match of the Day 00.00 FILM: Carry On Girls 01.25 FILM: I Married a Monster 03.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 04.00 They Think It's All Over 04.30 A Question of Sport

Adam Ant Channel 4 12.30am

The Block ITV2 8.15pm

My Life In Film BBC3 10.40pm

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09.55 T4: hit40uk 10.25 T4: The OC 11.25 T4: Friends 11.55 T4: One Tree Hill 12.55 T4: Kings of Comedyshow. 16.05 FILM: The Wind and the Lion Like Freddy vs Jason and Alien vs Predator this is one of those crappy film hybrids. Characters from the Wind and the Willows do battle with those from the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. Directed by Paul WS Anderson. 18.10 Unreported World: America's New Frontier That’ll be the thing growing out of the back of George Bush’s neck then? 18.40 Channel 4 News 19.10 The Minoans 21.10 FILM: K-Pax For A-Level Media we got told to research the promotional material behind this film when it came out. It was expected to make a Vanessa Feltz jumping-in-a-pool style splash, but died a Christopher Reeve-style death. 23.25 Green Wing 00.30 Adam Ant Isn’t the only one around here who was driven quickly insane, “Get me away I’m dying”.

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Sunday

Page 34

October 18 - 24 2004

byebye@lotsoflovefromTVHolly.com

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Scrapheap Challenge Channel4 6.30pm

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Art Attack 09.50 How II 10.05 Fingertips 10.30 The Championship 11.15 The Ark 11.45 My Favourite Hymns 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.15 FILM: Red River ***** 16.40 Creature Comforts 16.50 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.05 ITV News; Weather The latest national and international news. 17.20 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix Live Wank into your Matchbox supreme as the speedies whizz by. I don’t know what I meant by that. 19.50 Coronation Street What is Maya concocting on Sunita's wedding day? I don’t know, but I think it’ll involve weeping wounds. 20.20 Foyle's War Something suspicious lands in Foyle’s pack. Lucky he took his nit comb to the trenches with him. 22.20 ITV News 22.35 Fooling Hitler Don’t put your yellow star on. 00.05 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix Highlights If you stayed up to watch this repeat, I pity you more than I pity myself, and currently, that equates to a lot of pity. 01.00 World Rally Championship 01.30 Motorsport UK 01.55 Building the Dream 02.20 Trisha 03.15 Today with Des and Mel 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV

19.00 End of Story “And TV Holly left the building.” That’s right. As a working lady, I have to give up TV Desk and all its delights. Cheers, you’ve been an awesome captive audience. 20.00 Liquid Assets: Nicole Kidman's Millions Are locked in Tom Cruise’s platform shoes. She’ll never get them then - not while he’s got testosterone in his body. 21.00 Wedding Stories Getting married is rubbish. 22.00 You, Me and Cancer Don’t even get me started. 23.00 Little Britain The new series, I presume. Looking forward to the really fat faux pornstar or whatever she is. 23.30 Band Aid: The Record that Rocked the World Geldof before he ranted about fathers’ rights. 00.30 Liquid Assets: Nicole Kidman's Millions 01.30 Wedding Stories 02.30 Inner Spaces FNARR! 02.55 End of Story And TV Holly left the building... again. Nearly out. That’s the one.

09.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 10.10 The X Factor 11.20 The X Factor Result 12.05 The Xtra Factor Result 12.35 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 13.40 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.55 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.15 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.20 The X Factor 21.35 The Xtra Factor 22.35 The X Factor Result 23.20 The Xtra Factor Result Ooh, come on Simon, you’ve got to win and wipe that foolish grim from Louis’ fat face. 23.50 Coronation Street 00.20 The Frank Skinner Show 01.20 CD:UK Featuring Ashlee Simpson’s flange. 2.20 Undeclared 02.50 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 03.50 Orange Playlist 04.20 Teleshopping 05.50 ITV2 Nightscreen I’ve got to say how much I’ve loved doing TV this last year (and a bit more, I may say). Drop all leaving presents to the fourth floor of the union. My gift to you? Flange, cunt, minge.

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 08.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 09.00 Gamezville 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 12.00 Futurama 12.30 Futurama 13.00 Malcolm in the Middle 13.30 Sky Travel Shop 14.00 Malcolm in the Middle 14.30 Malcolm in the Middle 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Oliver Beene Oliver and Ted jealously compete for the love of the same girl, with disappointing and pathetic results. Good for them - we’ve all got to learn the hard way. 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Hex 22.00 Mile High 23.00 The 1970s Office 00.00 Cold Case 01.00 Law and Order 01.50 Gamezville

P R I M E T I M E

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 07.05 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Style 12.00 How I Made My Property Fortune 12.30 The Future Is Wild 12.55 Sunday Grandstand 13.00 Rugby League: Australia v New Zealand 13.40 Racing from Aintree 13.55 Sport + 14.10 Racing from Aintree 14.25 Sport + 14.35 Racing from Aintree 15.00 World Masters Darts 17.30 Wild: Tawny Owls Short documentary about a family of tawny owls in the Forest of Dean, with rarely seen footage from inside the nest. That’s because owls are ashamed of their cross-breed ways. I saw a shame-faced vole come out of an owl’s nest once, carrying a soiled fork. 17.40 Wild: Elephants of Samburu 18.10 Natural World: Norfolk Broads: The Fall and Rise of a Great Swamp Lisa Riley shares her diet successes and failures. 19.00 Teaching Awards My mum should win a prize for the kid who purposefully pooed itself when she told it off. Fucking kids. 20.00 Top Gear Maximum thrusts from Jeremy. 21.00 The Fight 22.00 Have I Got News for You Hosted this week by Shane McGowan. 22.30 Match of the Day 2 23.30 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 00.00 Room 101 00.30 FILM: The City That Never Sleeps Is where gair rhydd is based.

P R I M E T I M E

06.00 Breakfast 08.10 Match of the Day 09.30 Breakfast with Frost 10.30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.30 Countryfile 12.30 The Politics Show 13.30 EastEnders 15.25 The Blue Planet 16.25 Shoebox Zoo 16.50 Points of View 17.05 Songs of Praise: Big Sing Russell Watson and the London Community Gospel Choir join Aled Jones and Pam Rhodes at the Albert Hall for the 2004 Big Sing - a celebration of the nation's favourite hymns. My favourite: Autumn Days. TV John’s? Don’t ask. 17.45 Last of the Summer Wine Billy becomes concerned when he learns that he has promised to demonstrate archery at the vicar's garden party. I know the feeling: I once told someone I’d demonstrate what barchery was at a party. I couldn’t walk for days. 18.15 Rolf on Art Rolf Harris enters the world of Pieter Bruegel, the 16th century pioneer of landscape art, and creates his own version of Bruegel's Peasant Wedding Feast. 18.45 Antiques Roadshow Caveman faeces and Barabara Cartland’s ex-dildo. 19.35 BBC News 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin: The Roof of the World 22.00 BBC News 22.15 Panorama 22.55 On Show

Predator five 9pm

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 ICC Cricket World 2004 07.25 Honda Formula 4Stroke Powerboating Championships 07.55 Weird World of Sport 08.25 Le Mans Endurance Series 2004: Inside the Mind of a Sportscar Team 08.55 Chancers 09.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.00 Maniffesto 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Home Movies 13.20 Robbie Williams - Live in Cologne 14.50 Stargate SG-1 15.40 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 16.30 Too Posh to Wash Ooh, no, don’t watch this now, it’ll put you off your rarebit. 17.00 Welsh in a Week Hmm, it’s that easy is it? Well, this week, I choose to be a Luxemburger. Cool? Me? I know. 17.30 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm This week, Dirty thirty for cwm chums. What does that mean? Dunno; I’m delirious. 19.30 Sioe Gelf Shoe-golf for the obese, who can’t make it to the green. 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cerdded y Llinell Iolo tells us things we don’t really need to know. But he’s a nice chap, eh. 21.00 Talcen Caled Les must face the consequences of his lies. Which is shit, because in the real world people get away with lying all the time. Maldwyn is pushing Gwenno to the limit (fnarr), while Huw has fallen into Linda's willing arms. And minge. 21.55 Newyddion 22.05 UK Music Hall of Fame 00.10 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 01.15 What Made Mozart Tic? 02.15 FILM: Thaneer Thaneer Sundays are shit, aren’t they? I know Gary uses them as his allocated selfpesting days.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.25 A Different Life 12.05 FAQ 12.30 The Great Artists 13.05 five news update 13.10 The Chart 13.40 FILM: Columbo: Negative Reaction ** 15.35 FILM: Alien Nation: The Udara Legacy ** 17.20 FILM: War of the Worlds With Ann Robinson. Wearing a pointy silver bra. Essential viewing. *** 18.55 five news and sport 19.10 FILM: Star Trek: Insurrection Several people in silly outfits shoot each other with space guns that mature men cream themselves over. I never was a Trekkie; give me Farscape any day... ** 21.00 FILM: Predator Arnie slides round the jungle as if lubed, and we wonder if it’s wrong to fancy him - a little. **** 23.10 FILM: Alien 3 Poor David Fincher tries his best and almost fails. I once got told I looked like Sigourney Weaver. Drop by the office to see how ridiculous that is. I actually look like Jeremy Beadle. **** 01.15 World Series Baseball: Game Two I’m soo sooo hungry and I need a wee. I think I’m space-filling but I’m not sure... 04.00 Seniors Golf: Bovis Lend Lease 04.50 US Major League Soccer Yep, looks like a definite space-filler.

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.00 The Next Joe Millionaire 17.00 Friends Ross wakes up to find Chloe in bed with him. Rachel pops in to tell him how much she loves him. Threesome doesn’t ensue. Bloody Friends. 17.30 T4 Movie Special 18.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 18.30 The OC 19.30 One Tree Hill Is this supposed to be good? I think so but then it does follow evil programmes. You should watch Songs of Praise and repent, obviously. 20.30 Friends 21.00 The Joe Schmo Show 22.00 The Sopranos Tony Soprano escapes to the Plaza Hotel for some heavy duty relaxation but finds himself in torment over past deeds. 23.10 Six Feet Under Brenda expresses her desire to have a baby and Nate is supportive, but vague, as to when they should start trying to conceive. I hate Brenda. 00.10 Curb Your Enthusiasm 00.45 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 01.15 The OC

As S4C, except: 06.05 Party Animals 08.55 T4: Friends 09.25 T4: Popworld 10.20 T4: Hollyoaks Mr C gives the best advice. 12.55 T4: Friends 13.30 T4: Chancers 14.05 T4: The OC Lazy drama for those too tired to make their own lives. 15.05 T4: Friends Chandler's flamboyant mother comes to New York for a visit. “Could she BE any more flamboyant?” Cue laughs. 15.35 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 16.35 T4: Stargate 17.30 Battle Stations: B-17 Flying Fortress 18.30 Scrapheap Challenge Smeeeegheeeeed. 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 21.00 UK Music Hall of Fame 1970s installment. Money on Diana Ross - I love that woman. 23.10 Sex Traffic 01.05 FILM: Mani Ratnam Presents: Uthiri Pookkal 03.30 God is Black 04.30 Lucky Day TV listings are miraculously funny. 04.40 Unreported World: America's New Front 05.05 Countdown Dictionary Corner guest is Paul Zenon. Worth staying up for.

P R I M E T I M E

Kings of Comedy E4 2.00pm

PRIMETIME

Antiques Roadshow BBC1 6.45pm

P R I M E T I M E

Your Union

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Listings

Page 36

October 18 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

OUT OF SIGHT

It seems that Listings took a Blairite turn last week and made claims that it simply couldn’t substantiate and which turned out to be absolutely false. Anybody who went to Lashtastic on Friday expecting an Xpress Radio launch night, you have sefton’s unreserved apology (which is anything but a Blairite turn). The Xpress Launch can be enjoyed later this month. But back to this week...

Los Amigos Invisibles @The Toucan

Wednesday 20th Oct / Late pm / £5

‘Shakespearean Trilogy’ Wales Theatre Company @The New Theatre

Various times this week

n Britain’s ongoing struggle to identify its own national culture, the lasting impact of Shakespearean theatre must be one of the few British artistic achievements that we can all agree on. It thankfully stands apart from Britain’s darker reputation of warmongering and hooliganism, and presents to ourselves and to the world, British culture in its Sunday best. The Wales Theatre Company’s trilogy of plays at the New Theatre comprises Twelfth Night, Cymbeline and The Merchant of Venice. The real treat amongst these modernised Shakespearean works is likely to be Cymbeline, due simply to the infrequency with

@Barfly

Friday 22nd Oct

Doors 7.30pm / £8

os Amigos Invisibles are a highly acclaimed Venezuelan All Star Latin Ensemble. They have twice received Grammy nominations, are signed to David Byrne’s Luaka Bop label and their most recent album was produced by Masters At Work. The Toucan’s listings describe them as “the funkiest band to emerge from South America since Banda Black Rio!” which would probably be more impressive if I knew who Banda Black Rio were. Frame of reference aside, latin music in general has such broad appeal because it tends to be rhthymically infectious and irrepressiby optimistic. This is what you can expect should you make your way to the Toucan this Wednesday. Last time I went to the Toucan I paid £7 to get in and found £5 on the floor. Bargain. Whilst it is probably best to assume this won’t happen again, £5 is nay bad in any case. The Toucan has been unhelpfully vague about start times but I’d prepare for a start of no earlier than 11pm. Music of the live or recorded variety is likely to roll on til about 2am so pack some Kendall Mint Cake to keep you going.

Fingathing

which it is performed. Under the direction of Michael Bogdanov and starring Philip Madoc as Shylock, Bill Wallis as Feste, Daniel Greenwood as Molvolio and John Labonowski as Sir Toby Belch, The Wales theatre Company promise “unforgettable characters, eminently quotable language and some of the best stories ever told.” Times are as follows: Cymbeline: Mon 7.30pm, Thur 7.30pm, Sat 3pm; Twelfth Night: Tues 3pm, Fri 7.30pm, Sat 10.30am; The Merchant Of Venice - Tues 7.30pm, Wed 7.30pm, Thurs 3pm, Sat 8pm. As you’ll have noticed this makes it possible to see all three plays on Saturday! For prices, see www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk.

ingathing are scratch DJ Peter Parker and electric bass wizard Sneaky. Fingathing’s twin pilots combine mastery of both classical and contemporary instruments to great effect. As hip-hop visionaries go there can’t be many more quirky a combination. Renowned for their original, cartoonish artwork by Chris Drury and equally colourful DJ style, Fingathing are one of Grand Central’s most essential live acts. Parker was first discovered by

Grand Central label boss Mark Rae (of Rae + Christian) in the 1997 DMC Mixing Championships, where he finished a respectable second. Sneaky’s musical background is similarly impressive. A classically trained double bassist who has worked with Mr. Scruff (guesting on his "Keep It Unreal" release) and other notable music-makers. Fingathing can be seen on Friday at Barfly (on Kingsway, opposite the east wall of the castle) for £8. Doors open at 7.30pm.

Slaid Cleaves @St David’s Hall Tuesday 19th Oct

8pm start. £8/£6 NUS

he latest in the St. David’s Hall ‘Roots Unearthed’ series finds acclaimed American singer-songwriter, Slaid Cleaves, performing on the Hall’s ‘Level 3’ stage. The St. David’s Hall literature suggests we should expect an “emotionally vivid and eloquent blend of folk rock” and The New York Times has called him “One of the finest singer-songwriters from Texas”, which given the size of Texas is surely no mean feat. The fact that his previous gig will have been at London’s highly regarded Mean Fiddler bodes well for a night of quality American roots music. Tickets are £8, or £6 on production of your handy NUS card. Doors open at 8pm.

Listings

October 18 2004

Page 37

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton. If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. It’s the uncertainty that provides the thrill.

Monday18/10

Tuesday19/10

Wednesday20/10

Thursday21/10

Friday22/10

Saturday23/10

Sunday24/10

CinemaWeek

Fun Factory @Solus It’s a factory that makes fun. Free entry with NUS, £3 without. On the Side @ Fun Factory Live music from Rebecca Riots. Student Council @ Aneurin Bevan Room Giving more power to the people, this is the governing body of the Students’ Union. Come and join up or loiter as an ‘observer’. On the 4th floor of the Students’ Union at the end of the meeting room corridor at 6.30pm. Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Christopher Rees / Mountain Men Anonymous / Full Circle / DJ Apollo Sky. 8pm- 11pm. Wales Theatre Company @The New Theatre Shakespeare Trilogy. See facing page for details. Coordinated @Amber Lounge Night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter. 7pm-11pm, £1 (NUS). TV is boring @Moloko Live Music, Art, Dj's & Film over 3 floors. Turn off the TV and free your mind. Free entry. 6pm-2am. New Noise @Metros "Alternative therapy for the musically depressed". New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendry, and almost mythical, double + mixer for 80p. But beware, the famed metros’ double has but a transient glory- 90p between 10 and 11 and a shocking £1 between 11 and 12. £3 before 11. 9-2am. Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform (if you’re early enough) with the house trio. Variable quality of playing/singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm £2. Live @ Barfly Rooster, with support from The Score and The Fallen. More rocky kinda stuff... Doors 7:30 £5 adv.

Chaos @Metros Went to Metros for a halloween party once, dressed all in white as Hopkirk from Randall and Hopkirk Deceased. Not recommended. 9-3am. £2.50 b4 10pm. The Herbaliser @Moloko Ninja Tune artists, Herbaliser (Ollie Teeba and Jake Wherry) spinning hip-hop and funk. Til 2am. The Dudes Abide @Clwb Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10pm, £3.50 Lastastic presents Boobs and Balls @Solus Not another excuse to get naked but a fundraising night in aid of tenovus cancer charity! 9pm-2am £3.50 or £3 adv. Colin Fry - The Happy Medium @St. David’s Hall ‘Due to popular demand, 6th Sense star Colin Fry from Living TV returns to the Hall. Using his psychic gifts, Colin opens up the mysterious world of the paranormal to communicate with the spirits, deciphering and passing on their messages to those who have lost people dear to them. Colin’s unique delivery and magical moments of contact turn tragedy into the tear jerking joy of reunion’. What a load of old shite. 7.30pm £18.50. Live @Barfly Fingathing. Doors: 7.30pm £8. See facing page for more details. CircularMusic Gathering @ The Toucan Featuring Prisoners of the Sun, Juniper, The Revelators, Fred Snow, the 78’s, Cornelius Lockwood and DJ Grooveslave. Crowded methinks. £5 To Be Conceived @Riverbank Hotel Reedsman Tom Jackson brings an unusual, absorbing and intriguing evening’s music to the Riverbank Hotel. With roots in jazz but liable to roam, musically speaking. 9pm £4/£3 Junior Hacksaw @Cafe Jazz Three piece blues band. Presumably nothing to do with old school wrestler Hacksaw Jim Duggan (or his trusty two-by-four). 10pm £3. Off The Shelf @bSb Cakemix and Reload DJs battle it out eclectically. 9-2am. £1 after 10pm.

Comedy Club @Seren Las This week we’ve got Nina Conti and Stan Stanley tickling various funny-bones. 8-11pm £4 Acoustic Open Mic Session @The Toucan Sessions brought to you by ‘Circular Music’ fresh from Camden Town. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm. Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50 Sabotage @ Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo £1 entry before 11. A sweaty dive of a club, Metros nevertheless retains its popularity amongst the darkly clad youngsters of Cardiff and other ne’er-do-wells, and with good reason - it’s cheap. Live @ Barfly Hiding With Girls + Hollywood Ending, Doors 7.30 pm, £5 adv Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Ordinary Boys / Kaiser Cheifs £9 8pm11pm Boobs and Balls @ The Union 7.15 pm in the Gareth Edwards Room. An informal talk on breast and testicular awareness from Simon Morgan-Jones of Tenovus as part of Shag's Boobs and balls campaign. Go on… have a feel. Seriously though, this is worth finding out about if you have either of the aforementioned appendages beginning with the letter b. Lunchtime Concert @ St. David’s Hall Catriona Hetherington, Cello This talented performer is the winner of the VSA Arts Rosemary Kennedy International Young Soloist Award 2002 and specialises in unaccompanied cello performance. She includes in her recitals virtuosic violin pieces including works by Bach and Paganini 1pm £5.00 Slaid Cleaves @ St. David’s Hall See facing page for details. £8/£6 (NUS) Martin Butterworth & Friends Traditional jazz. 8.45pm. £3.50/£3.

Fatboy Slim @Great Hall Big name DJs abound in the Union these days and this Saturday finds ex-Housemartin, Mr Slim, gracing the Great Hall. Chances are if you are reading this and don’t already have a ticket, you’ll only get one by courting a dodgy tout who’ll have hiked up the price from the already costly original asking price. Why not go and see the Queen tribute band at St. David’s Hall instead - I doubt that’s sold out. 9pm-2am £17.50 adv. Come Play @Solus Not much point trying to sell this or ward people off, it sells out every week regardless. 9-2am £3.50 adv. Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm. Saturday @Incognito Swiss + pals from the house circuit of wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, escape. til 2am Live @ Barfly The Other Smiths Doors 7.30 pm, £6 adv UBERALLES @Barfly New club night with more of the same indie output. Live @Clwb Ifor BachMattoidz / Bechdan Jam / Fenks. 9pm -2am £5/£4 free for members. Members of what? Magic - A Kind Of Queen @St. David’s Hall Celebrating 30 years of the music of Queen, Magic brings the legendary group’s hits to life in a brilliant show, or so we’re told. There are five members of this band whereas there were only four members of Queen. Surely any decent tribute bandwould get this right. 7.30pm From £9.50 Submerge @The Toucan Drum ‘n’ Bass night featurng Fabio. Is there anything The Toucan doesn’t do? 10-2.30am £8. Delinquent @Metros Alt and new music. 9pm-3am free with flyer before 10pm/ £4 after.

Rubber Duck @Solus 10pm -2am £3.50 on the door/ £3 adv Billy Thompson Quartet @Cafe Jazz Fantastic jazz violinist and composer. One of the best live jazz acts I’ve seen. Billy really reduces the distance between band and audience, metaphorically speaking. 8.45pm £5/£3 Wednesday social @The Barfly Relax and soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm. All Three Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS). Cheapskates @Metros Alt & Cheese. 9-2am. Hang the DJ @The Model Inn Bring your music and play it from 8 for the official pre- clwb warm up. Free entry ElectroMoloko @Moloko ‘Raunchy Electro’, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem. 8pm-2am Free entry. Live @ Barfly Engineers + Tom Vek + The Fallout Trust. Doors 7.30 pm, £5 adv Live @The Toucan Los Amigos Invisibles (See facing page for details) Volcano Theatre Company @Chapter Arts Centre Romeo and Juliet, well kind of... The play will be performed sometimes as tragedy, sometimes as comedy, but not necessarily in the usual order and not necessarily with the usual outcome. £8/£6 Wed-Sat 8pm Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ and clubbing society’s new weekly night. The Philly becomes a haven for people into dance music of all kinds and gives society members a chance to DJ. Look forward to a combination of lots of different types of dance music from progressive or funky house, to breaks, tecno and hard house. 8pm til 1am. free for members £1(NUS) The Solid Gold Rock 'N' Roll Show 2004 @St. David’s Hall You know the score: a rehash of something that was actually pretty great at the time. Cheapest tickets are £14 with NUS. Ouch.

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party @Seren Las Featuring The Sabina Turvey Quartet. Sabina Turvey has, in no time at all, earned a growing reputation as one of the most exciting young jazz pianists in Cardiff. A student on the jazz course at The Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama, she has had no shortage of first class tuition and it shows in her distinctive and intelligent style. Sabina and her quartet will be bringing a healthy dose of 60s Blue Note era hard-bop to the Union for your listening and dancing pleasure. The band is followed by a jazz/soul/funk DJ set. Highly Recommended. 7pm £2. Sunday @Incognito Audio chefs' end of the week: a night that takes you where-ever you want to go. So long as it involves nothing but house music. 8-12.30pm, Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Acoustic open mic. sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen. Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas. 8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm. Cleverdick Quiz @Taf, SU 6-11pm MedClub Quiz @MedBar 8pm. Proof that Medics prefer to be quizzed later. Live @Barfly Captain Everything + Howards Alias + No Comply + Vanilla Pod Doors 7 pm, £6 adv Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Dopamine / Midasuno / When Reason Sleeps / Adzuki / Juniper. 7pm- 11am Nils Lofgren @St. David’s Hall Another legendary American songwriter, virtuoso guitarist and pianist. Known primarily for his work with Neil Young and Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen. 8pm £19 (nus) Mad Caddies @Solus Californian six piece ska punkers on a European tour to promote an album no doubt. 7-11pm £10 adv.

Roni Size @Solus Colossus of drum n bass DJing. Feat. Tali (live) and DJ Die. 9pm £7 adv. By-Election Hustings @Seren Las An opportunity to hear what the candidates for the Students’ Union non-sabbatical exective positions have to say for themselves. It’s your Union - get involved. 1pm Enthusiasm @Moloko Eternally popular hip-hop / drum&bass night. 11.30pm. 8pm-2am. Free entry. Twisted By Design @The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes - pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm- 2am. Free. Uprising @Clwb Ifor Bach reggae . dub . ska. Excellent night. Shake yourself about to Jamaican import 7''s alongside classic selections from the 70s, 80s and 90s. 10.00pm. £3. Judgement Night @Metros The best in rock and metal. £2.50 or less..? Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Boomshanka Live Acoustic Soul and Hippy Funk 8pm-1am £3/£2. Live @The Toucan Vibration White Finger. Funky, soulful rock music. Homegrown too. £4. Live @Barfly The Neal Casal Band + Justin Rutledge. Doors 7.30 pm, £8 adv Terminal @bSb Machine records' monthly night with Fumezombie, Orcop, and Dieselfitter Soundbytes @Journeys Club Run by resident DJ Dave Grooveslave and has been going strong for over a year. It features live performances, usually electronic, by local artists. From 8pm til late & free entry. VIP'S Of Jazz 2004 @St. David’s Hall A night of traditional old-style jazz. Join the world famous Dutch Swing College Band whose classic repertoire is drawn from the swinging 1920s and 30s. £14 (nus) 7:30pm Ben Thomas/James Chadwick Band @Cafe Jazz Fine trumpet and guitar-led band. 8.45pm £5/£3. Soul Kitchen @Slug and Lettuce Laid back jazz breaks from various DJs. Free.

@Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton / Box Office No: 029 2030 4400

AN ARTS centre that comprises cinema, gallery, theatre, bar, cafe and shop, Chapter is consistently the best place in Cardiff in which to expose yourself to all things creative. Their film showings, ranging fom blockbusters to independents to foriegn films, is arguably the major attraction. In recognition of their all-round spiffyness we present here a weekly summary of the various filmic curiosities they have on offer. (Consult www.chapter.org for times) Sneakers, Fri 22 Oct Netherlands/2004/50 mins Dir: Femke Wolting Receiving its international premiere in this onedotzero tour, Sneakers takes as its starting point the question of how the sports show went in a just a couple of decades from being the footwear of choice for urban black youth to being an item that everyone in the world now wears. Facing Windows (La Finistra di Fronte) Fri 15 – Thu 21 Oct Italy/UK/Turkey/Portugal/2003/ 106 mins/subtitled/ctba. Dir: Ferzan Ozpetek. With Giovanna Mezzogiorno, Massimo Girotti. Facing Window is a powerful, emotionally complex drama about a young wife and mother trying to find a way out of her boring life. The arrival of an elderly amnesiac man into her household acts as a catalyst for her to start pursuing her dreams. Every night she stares out of her window, wondering about her life – while a young man looks out from the window opposite, also wondering…

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

Page 31

The Phil Collins Photo Casebook EP.2 WEEK

October 18th 2004

Dr. Matthew

grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - a place to share your worries with glee.

Four Person Party Destroys Life Dear Dr Matt, Recently I held a party for my 21st, which I felt was tipped to be a grand success.

Phil was asleep. Well he was, because he was tired. But there was a noise on the roof and it woke up him up with a start.

Having made a list of 50 friends I rigorously sent out cute little invitations with pretty flowers on them to everyone. But, so despairingly, I ended up spending the night at the hired room celebrating with only the barman, the doorman and some inebriated ‘random’ that had strayed from the nearby punk gig. Do you think that this is evidence enough that the university of Cardiff does not want little old me anymore? I didn’t think I was a bad person…I always polish my best shoes properly and feed my

goldfish. The humiliation I’ve suffered, Doctor, has actually stained my cheeks red. Yours (sobbing) One Newly Solo 3rd year Never mind HEY. Parties. Bit gay. Well, the beginning bit is – where everyone comes in and sits in their cliques and finds the most attractive girl/boy/jumper and then spends the night getting sufficiently bladdered in order that they might give the chosen one a smile THREE SECONDS before they leave. Then there’s the "do I dance don’t I dance?" question – which is probably the worst bit, because everyone’s trying too hard to spot the hot jumpered bastard to actually concentrate on where their hands are flailing, and then someone gets boffed in the chops and then bottles get put into EYES and things like that. I do feel sorry

for you mind, I just can’t be arsed to articulate it. That would require more thought than going on a barney about how parties depress me. House parties are the way forward; you end up making silly games to make the host believe you’re having fun. Recent adventures include climbing on the roof and jumping off. Perhaps the invite lied and spontaneously combusted because it was made of nanomachines that also dislike your face, you smelly biff burger. And don’t call people random, it’s a shit word. So are goldfish. They can form a good game for house parties mind, it’s called "chuck your goldfish at a wall!" and it makes everyone enthusiastic about biology. Tally ho! Matt

“My friends lock me in a box” The noise was in fact a Ninja running about on his mansion In Switzerland. Phil decided to turn the light on and grab his rather large sword.

As the Ninja burst in, Phil pointed his sword in a threatening fashion. The Ninja did not want a fight, however...but looked hard anyway.

To Doctor Matt, Ok, this may sound like teen angst, but believe me it is not.

I came to university to get away from the intellectual and personal imprisonment I felt back home. People have always looked at my appearance and put me in a box with a large label on it and I thought university would enable me to finally open the lid and step out. I have however quite to contrary found the lid sealed ever more firmly and any individual validation I hoped to attain has been cruelly taken away from me through the unwanted opinions of stupid wankers. I now feel constantly enraged toward those surrounding me and as you seem to be a reactionary person has suffered in a similar way (HAHA – Matt). I was wondering if you could help me find self-validation. Peace, Anon, 1st year.

Oh dear. Anything suffixed with peace says a lot about a person you know. Maybe it suggests whether your house is a “shoes off or shoes on” house. I mean I find the latter is usually full of shit, because that’s what happens if you waltz about with shoes on in a finely carpeted abode. At the same time if you take them off your feet whiff and problems are apparent when you start lobbing glasses about the house/kitchen/bathroom and then have to wander about making cheese toasties getting your toes lacerated. STOP THROWING GLASSES. Perhaps if you "stepped out" in a whale suit and sort of jiggled your tummy about and made noises like "buuurrr" you might find more acceptance. I’m sure you aren’t really living in a box. I find this kind of nonsense risible and certainly wouldn’t ever misconstrue an idea such as "THE BOY WHO LIVED IN A BOX WITH A SYNTHETIC WHALE SUIT" to flesh out a bit of a paragraph with procrastinating wibble. (Success!) Although I’d imagine living in a box would reap some benefits, like not needing to close down for a

week to get rid of the asbestos in the toilet block and no achievable way for Santa to reach your Ebolafaced children through the chimney (which doesn’t exist you see). I would be alarmed if people were plonking me into a box and packing me off to other cities, perhaps as much as I would be finding the box was actually sealed with industrial adhesive and I had weed myself in my sleep because I had a dream that mummy cut my balls off with a cake spoon. Quite…Besides, I’m not reactionary. What do I have to react against? The system? Shut up. Metrosexuality? Alright, sometimes. But the system gives me money and hot food, and music to punch walls to. The system is more a lefty construct to keep smelly students smelling, and to keep those smells contained on rallies for more free money. You see? Smelling is so left wing. You see? The best place to find self-validation is in bed. "Do I have a willy?" "YES!" "I must be validated thus!" Stop dressing like a knob and you’ll be alright. The end. Matt

Nightline : 029 2022 3993. A happy-person-making confidential phoneline that offers friendly advice. The Ninja pulls her hood and mask down to reveal...MOIRA STUART. Moira had a vital message for Phil, one which threatened the world...

Continues Next Time.

IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH EVERYONE UP TO AND INCLUDING YOURSELF PLEASE LET ME KNOW BY SENDING ME AN EMAIL DETAILING THE DILEMMA. THE EMAIL ADDRESS TO DO THIS IS GRPROBLEMPAGE@CARDIFF.AC.UK. A word-party will be held above somewhere. Perhaps your housemate is a thief. Perhaps your knob has fallen off because you poked too many beef sirloins. Perhaps it hasn’t. PERHAPS someone really winds you up and you’d like to shame them. All of the above will do. It just takes some dynamic integrity and suchlike to pull it off. Hop to it chaps.

What’s that now?

Frodo? What kind of an insult is that? You ponce. Get the skirt off your loins, you petite metro ponce. This week I invented a new game. Play it with me if you like; it offers a brief respite from the News Before Neighbours™ that often gets fresh in your face with starving kids and gun crime in the midlands. All one must do is obtain a cork. And have one of those postmodern light shades that looks "a small amount like the earth" but doesn’t actually, because it’s cream and hardly very spherical and doesn’t have any people living on it. So then what you do is you sit down with a friend on opposite sides of your minge –sorry - lounge and you throw the cork at the lampshade. And the person who gets it to go in the top (through the small opening it has to let light out) is the champion and can gloat ALL the way through Neighbours. From where I sit today I see a red bench. On the red bench are people eating food. The red bench could be interpreted as the fatty bench in many ways, although in this way I would just entitle it a red bench on which people are sitting and are remarkably managing to eat at the same time. It all looks very impressive but I can see a small problem. If it rains, you see, you get very wet and your food turns into slop and falls over. As annoying as a "lateral thinking" puzzle, you’ll agree. I hate those things SO MUCH. Apart from being as lateral as a pylon, and as thinking as the PR company who decided Elvis should market BREAD (BREAD) – they are also obnoxious and cause perverted facial expressions. And they’re offensively worded and try and get all fresh with you and then kick you in the tits when you can’t quite work out the NAME of the man who stopped at 3,542,983,958,239 million pissing train stations. "Oh dear it’s so funny when it’s YOU who drove the train FUCKSAKES you utmost deranged bastard when did you learn to do that OH I DIDN’T REALLY IT’S A CONCEPTUAL THEORY oh let’s gun down that fox by the bins". Destroy these books, cuddle your neighbour. Good day.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Biff in trouble? 0800VAGISIL Peasant? 0800-DON’TSTEAL-MY-MILK,BOY Bored? 0800-CURL-ONEOFF

“

We improved dramatically in the second half which shows good promise for the rest of the season

”

Sophie Armstrong, Netball captain, October 2004

Women’s AFC in sensational form

Back Page

Issue 771, 18 October 2004 Sport Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs Email: grsport@hotmail.com Website: www.gairrhydd.net

AU Vice-President Fraser Watson has the official word on IMG. Below

Sport in brief By Thom Airs

RUBBING IT IN

SOLID START: Cardiff’s Men’s hockey teams have begun the season brightly. Photo: Alex Carmichael

MEN’S HOCKEY TEAMS MAKE ASSURED STARTS TO NEW SEASON By Ed Jones Sports Reporter

Men’s First XI 3-0 UWIC First XI THE NEW CAMPAIGN began in style on Saturday with a derby of some magnitude. Cardiff emerged victorious from the first of four encounters scheduled with UWIC this season. Technically outclassed, the newlypromoted visitors were unable to deal with the pace and flair of the Cardiff attack. Striker Paul Hayes, a short, speedy annoyance for any defender, was a constant threat and opened the Cardiff account in the first half. 20 minutes into the game, Hayes turned sharply before powering a low shot across the face of goal into the far corner. Hayes also played a part in the controversial third goal that put the result beyond doubt. Near to goal, the ball fell from him to fresher Nick Gough, who capped an impressive debut with a neat finish. Nobody was more pleased than elder brother and captain, Tony. Hayes made no attempt to rebuff allegations of foul play stating: "Well, it hit my foot didn’t it?" The home side relished the chance

to parade its new talent and an experienced spine ensured that UWIC rarely threatened. Gareth Owen was awarded Man of the Match for a performance at the heart of defence that combined stylish and composed possession with strength in the tackle. Duncan Courtney was a skilled and determined presence in the middle, filling the void left by the influential Mark Dunne, who captained the side over the previous two seasons. Men’s Second XI 4-0 Men’s Third XI The first BUSA fixture of the season is an occasion to relish for any team, but there are few games so fiercely contested as an inter-club match. An impromptu reshuffle of the BUSA league tables has placed the third XI, originally to be competing in the same league as the promoted fourth team, battling in the same division as the second XI. A sizeable crowd turned up to witness the first leg of this David versus Goliath spectacle. The 4-0 score-line flattered the second team who made clear their technical superiority but were fortunate not to concede.

Alex Hume shone in a defence that failed to totally contain the third team forwards. Composure in front of goal was lacking, though, as the strikers failed to net. Thirds skipper Howard HardyKing amused on-lookers by shamefully pushing wide of an open goal in the first half. As open as the game was, the goals were scored largely from set-pieces. Adam Gilbertson found the net following a short corner early in the first half. Second team captain John Atwood – a dogged, noisy presence in midfield, found the net along with impressive newcomer Ryan Brignull, who scored twice. Oli Perigo’s worthy performance in goal prevented further additions. Those present were treated to a terrific game and some encouraging performances on BUSA debut by the likes of Henry Cole. Atwood said, ‘We’ve been treated this year to a great fresher intake and I reckon we’ve got a great chance of winning both leagues’. Gloucester First XI 2-0 Men’s First XI A new-look first team suffered defeat in their opening BUSA game on

TRICKY OPENER: Cardiff’s netballers struggled against UWIC

CARDIFF NETBALL firsts’ opening match of the season ended in defeat against a strong UWIC side. Despite a battling Cardiff display, the team from Cyncoed ran out comfortable victors. Cardiff hadn’t beaten UWIC for three years previously and were keen to turn the tables. Fielding a new line-up, including three freshers, Cardiff ’s enthusiasm and drive shone through in the warm up. The first half presented some faultless individual performances from both sides. However Cardiff couldn’t quite bring it together as a team and trailed UWIC 21 – 7 at half time. After a pep talk and some position changes, Cardiff went into the second half looking like a different team. Their

TEXT ON THE BRAIN

CARDIFF’S BUSA sports clubs can get their results displayed in Rubber Duck thanks to a new SMS service. Captains can message 07901703305 Wednesday, going down 2-0 to a capa- with their results on Wednesday afternoons and see their triumphs and disasble Gloucester side. Cardiff were met by a well-drilled ters on Solus’s plasma screen TVs later 11 whose competence on the ball was in the evening. more than matched by its organisation, and a frustrating game ensued. Cardiff ’s attacking play was largely stifled, while a fine performance from the Gloucester ‘keeper denied the visitors from a series of short corners and half-chances. Attacking opportunities were limited, though, as the opposition hassled By Fraser Watson and harried, cramping the Cardiff AU Vice President midfield and affording the forwards little space. Defensively, Cardiff, too, appeared AFTER EARLY season controversy, I sound. Gareth Owen, Tony Gough and feel it is time that certain issues Alex Jones were rarely troubled until relating to this year’s IMG discontent a Gloucester goal on the stroke of half were addressed and laid to rest once time. and for all. Cardiff dominated possession in Such is the nature of the competition the second half as they probed with that trying to ensure the registration great endeavour for an equaliser. process runs smoothly, leaving everyone A second Gloucester goal just satisfied, is always going to be an imposbefore the final whistle condemned sible task. Cardiff to defeat in their opening In an ideal world, a 'first come, first BUSA fixture. served' basis would not exist and all those Captain Tony Gough was keen to who wished to enter a team of some form reassure his men after the game. would be accommodated. Gough said, "It’s disappointing, sure, In reality, however, there is not a single but we’ve got lots of new guys in the university in the UK which could cater side and we’re still working on our for such a demand. approach." I genuinely sympathise with those who miss out and understand their frustration and inclination to submit complaints. However, there is a line between justifocus and determination paid off, scoring two quick goals and starting an fied complaints and false accusations. James Cole and I, in an attempt to exciting comeback. Shooters Rosie Buse and Sophie Vaughan scored 11 resolve the netball situation, met with goals in the third quarter to bring both netball club captain Lisa Gwinnett and Medic captain Lex Wonnicot on Cardiff to within six goals of parity. A fourth quarter showdown saw both Monday to propose a Saturday league for sides putting on a stunning display of teams who missed out, providing the AU netball. Unfortunately, UWIC proved was able to book a suitable slot. Both captains were pleased with the too strong in the end, with the score finidea and stated they were prepared to take ishing 33 – 25. After their defeat, Cardiff remained it upon themselves to organise it - there positive and looked to the future. was no, as one disgruntled captain Captain Sophie Armstrong commented, claimed, case of "exiles going over the "I am very pleased with the potential we head of the AU". Furthermore, as a Welsh speaker, I have shown in our first match. We improved dramatically in the second assure you that Gym Gym failed to gain half which shows good promise for the their respective slots in the football and rest of the season". Armstrong, also netball competitions purely because they Cardiff’s player of the match, is a strong did not register in time, not because of a leader and no doubt Cardiff will soon racial AU policy to force "Welsh speakers to go elsewhere". gain the victories they strive for.

CARDIFF CRUMBLE IN CRUNCH MATCH By Kara Dowson Netball Reporter

A PROFESSIONAL massage company is offering members of Cardiff University sports clubs tailor-made treatments at Talybont Sports Centre. ATP Limited, who have previously only offered their services to international athletes, will charge £10 per session, with discounts available for teams of five or more people.

AU VICE’S COLUMN

Student View

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Stuff the tragic dragon

England fan Ross Whittam travels to Manchester to witness his side dominate the British showdown

THE TAXI DRIVER was looking irritated; he had now been waiting for over 15 minutes. He, along with many other passengers, was running late because one careless individual had not managed to arrive on time. Unfortunately, the individual in question was me. Waking up at 6.30am in order to catch a taxi at 7.15 is not a particularly difficult task. However, after a night out and only a few hours sleep, the complexity of that task intensifies. Hence the journey from University Hall to Cardiff Central was quite animated, particularly as the cantankerous Welsh taxi driver delighted in telling me how the Welsh were going to "stuff the English" later that afternoon. I did not say much in response, seeing as I had already made him late for his next booked journey. Cardiff Central was much quieter than I had anticipated but I guessed that most people had probably been more sensible than me and had booked to travel on a later train. A few men were erecting a merchandise stand outside the station and this certainly was not going to be the last time I would be offered a cheap Welsh scarf

and flag for "only a tenner!" The 8.09 from Cardiff Central to Manchester Piccadilly was awash with Welsh people, all in good spirits, for this was the first time England had played Wales since May 1984. However, I sensed that unlike the taxi driver, most were hoping for, rather than expecting, a win.

CAPTAIN’S DISPLAY: Beckham Many fans had brought their own alcohol with them to consume on the journey to Manchester. The sight and smell of alcohol so early in the morning was not entirely pleasant due to the fact that I was still feeling below par from the night before! Despite being woken up on several occasions by renditions of the Welsh national anthem, I felt much better when the train sauntered into Manchester Piccadilly 45 minutes late. Perhaps booking an earlier train had been more sensible than I had first

thought on arrival at Cardiff Central. The police presence at the station was immense and anyone would have thought that the thousands of fans had come for a brawl, not a football match. The closer I came to Old Trafford, the louder the buzz of excitement and anticipation became. This was, after all, England versus Wales, “a game to savour”, as Sven had pointed out in his programme notes. The atmosphere outside the stadium was amazing and the banter between the two sets of supporters remained friendly. "Who are ya?" chanted the hordes of England fans. Bizarrely, the Welsh supporters responded with a song about Ryan Giggs. Regrettably, there were a few brainless supporters who not only decided to jeer the national anthem of the opposing team but also ruined the minute’s silence for Ken Bigley. Two giant St. George’s cross flags could be seen behind each goal during the English national anthem as fans held up pieces of card that had been placed on the seats to create each flag. Throughout the game, the Welsh fans delighted in chanting "Shall we sing a song for you?" and "You’re supposed to be at home", despite the

England fans making considerably more noise. Actions speak louder than words, though, and an early goal from Frank Lampard silenced the Welsh supporters for most of the first half. Wales played quite well but never seemed to do enough to merit a goal. England’s second goal sent all those who were English in the ground into raptures and sealed a result that was always going to go one way. A young Scouser called Wayne also gave an impressive performance. Walking out of the ground, morale among the England supporters was clearly high. Nevertheless, none of the Wales supporters seemed excessively upset at the result and few tears were shed. For this England supporter, not only was the result cause for celebration but a subdued train back to Cardiff was also quite appealing. However, to my surprise, those in the adjacent carriage preceded to sing songs about Cardiff City all the way home! I thought about the game, how England had outplayed Wales and then about the taxi driver I had met earlier in the day. Stuff the English indeed!

BUSA HELD UP IN TRAFFIC By Matt Ramsden Men’s AFC: Cardiff firsts 1 - 2 Medics

CARDIFF’S MEN’S first team suffered an anti-climatic start to the long-awaited BUSA season, with the postponement of their fixture with the Medics on Wednesday afternoon. After the kick-off was put back due to the referee’s delay in traffic, the game was eventually cancelled as a competitive fixture and rendered a friendly instead. Despite losing to a predatory strike halfway through the second half from the Medics’ number 10, Cardiff looked a team already at ease with each other, with new addition Francois Douba slotting into the midfield and looking dangerous every time he had the ball. The array of

IMG football preview

passing at times was also to be admired, with captain Yates not afraid to switch the play with cross-field passes. Thomas also looked imposing in midfield and his linkup play set up the opening goal. Finding himself unmarked on the right-side of the penalty area, Thomas instantly spotted striker Cain heading towards the back post and swung in a dipping cross that the forward powerfully headed past the keeper. However, this goal was cancelled out by an instant reply from the Medics, as their number 10 slid the ball past the keeper and just inside the left-hand post. The first-half continued in an evenlymatched fashion, the Medics going close on a couple of occasions and Cardiff looking dangerous down the flanks. Right winger Ravenscroft nearly rounded Mcfarland’s verdict: "No-one stands out." Chemsoc

Continued from Page 43 Woodville Screamers Desperately seeking discounted food and drink, the Woodville Screamers approach the new season with captain Richard Mcfarland making the outrageous claim that "five or six of our players are good enough for Cardiff University’s first team." Despite such boasts, the new boys claim they will be seeking to secure a First Division place when the leagues are re-formed after Christmas. Player

watch:

Captain

Captain Huw Davies is looking to consolidate last year’s fine Division 1 slot and has no time for those whingeing about their exclusion from this year’s competition, "I haven’t got any sympathy for those who have missed out and are moaning, it’s their own fault." Player to watch: Captain Davies’ verdict: "Tim Jones." AFC Camp Registered as AFC Camp, captain Tom Allan declared that his team will officially be known as "AFC Camp Allan".

off a neat passing move but forced his shot just past the far post. After the restart Cardiff started to dominate the game. Early chances in the second half saw Ravenscroft again cutting in from the right only to wildly flash his shot across the face of goal, while Douba also dragged his shot wide. However, Cardiff’s inability to capitalise on their dominance was punished when the Medics’ number 10 again capitalised on sloppy defending to round the keeper and poke the ball into the empty net. On reflection, Yates wasn’t too disheartened with the result, pointing out it was just a friendly, "It was a bit of a farce to be fair, we’ll be looking to get started properly next week when we’ve got another home fixture in the BUSA league". Quick to point out that the name has nothing to do with behavioural preferences, it is still somewhat unclear as to how the name was chosen, although Allan does mention something about "being shit in our pre-season training camp". Allan is aiming to build solid foundations from which his team can build next year, and will be happy with 2nd or 3rd Division football. Player to watch: Captain Allan’s verdict: "Striker Pete Higgins will be our man to watch." Architecture After a year’s absence, Architecture return with designs on respectability rather than any genuine title hopes. Captain Gwyn Roberts explained, "We’re mostly involved for the fun

Bristol batter women’s hockey By Thom Airs Sports Editor CARDIFF’S LADIES’ Hockey firsts suffered a heavy defeat against Bristol University on the opening day of the season. Despite a gutsy Cardiff display, a strong second half performance from the side from across the Severn saw the game end 4-0. At the half-time interval Cardiff trailed by a single goal, a deficit which they looked to overcome in the opening plays of the second half. 10 minutes in, a short corner provided the Welsh attack with an opportunity to score but a goal-bound shot was disallowed for high ball. This attempt sparked a flurry of attacks on the Bristolian defence, but despite some flowing forward moves, Cardiff couldn’t draw level. As the second half wore on, Bristol showed their superior fitness and managed three quick goals to end Cardiff’s resistance. Captain Cazz Earl said, "This game highlighted some crucial, but workable areas for improvement and although Bristol were the better team on the day, we will persist, and we definitely have the potential to be the better team this season."

FRIENDLY FIRE: No BUSA points on offer this week. PHOTO: Alex Carmichael of it really. I don’t think we’ll be any more than an average side." Player to watch: Captain Roberts’ verdict: "Bammy Williams who plays up-front. He’s very skilful and should be a threat." Optometry Optometry return to IMG this year with a vision for success and an improvement upon last year’s Division 3 finish. Optometry’s sports supremo Sally Derbyshire explained, "The guys just want to have a laugh. We’re all really pleased to be involved. We’re only a small department but through our IMG participation, hopefully we can raise our profile within the university." Player to watch: Sports Captain Derbyshire’s verdict: "Nasser

Hussein." Socsi From within a female dominated department, society president Caroline Thorne hopes will emerge a team to be proud of. She said, "Having not had a team for a few years, we took a bit of a gamble in registering this year. None of the guys have ever played together but hopefully it will be good for the society."

IMG will kick off on October 20th, 2004

IMG Netball Preview

October 18 2004

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Who will shoot their way to netball glory? With rivalries spilling over into the new season, John Stanton analyses the hopes of 18 teams desperate to win Britain’s biggest IMG netball competition Pharmacy A After walking away with last year’s IMG trophy, Pharmacy A will be looking to retain the title they won so convincingly in March. Pharmacy will start the season as favourites for the title, having not lost a single member of their championship winning team. Captain Christine Hall is also pleased with the new umpiring system, “I think the way they’re doing it now will be really good, although we think that maybe we should be paying for referees.” Player to watch: Tina Birkby Pharmacy B With the pressure of having to live in the shadow of Pharmacy A, the B team will be striving to maintain the fine reputation established for the department by the A team. Club captain Christine Hall explained, “The B team should do well this season as they’ve all been together for a year now and know each other’s games really well.” Player to watch: Kerry Crompton Pharmacy C So great was the demand to join Pharmacy’s revolution of IMG netball that club captain Christine Hall chose to create a C team for the first time in the department’s history. Hall commented, “We had around 50 people at the trials so in order to allow everyone to play we decided we’d try to set up a third team and luckily we managed to do it.” Player to watch: Too early to predict. Chemsoc A A new season means an entirely new playing squad for Chemsoc. Captain Jo Gentile expects Chemsoc A to reach Division 1, although the season will begin shrouded in uncertainty. She explained, “We have an entirely new team this year so it’s difficult to know exactly what to expect.” Player to watch: Tanya Hunt Chemsoc B With both teams comprising a

host of new players, Gentile clearly isn’t playing mind games when she claims she cannot predict where the B team might finish. Having only had one team involved last year, Chemsoc B’s debut season promises to be full of surprises.

could win it last year so this time we want to go all the way. “We’re incredibly pleased to have secured our IMG place for another year and can’t wait for the start of the season.”

English Society

Having “missed netball really badly over the summer”, squad captain Katy Nicholson-Lord is looking forward to overseeing the emergence of new talent into the Pschology B team. She commented, “I don’t expect the B team will take it quite as seriously as the A team. I’ll be hoping to make sure everyone who wants to play can have a game.”

Player to Bethan Turner

watch:

Psychology B

Having found themselves in Division 2 last year, English Society now has an entirely new playing squad and captain Jenny Evans has high hopes for the new season. She said, “We just want to play as well as we can and have a good time doing it. It looks Socsi like we might have quite a few good, After topping Division 2 new players, so in May, Socsi will once SHOOTING STARS: Who will reign supreme in IMG? things are looking again be hoping to good.” their proud tradition of impressive achieve respectability as this year’s While pleased to be involved, performances and league positions campaign gets underway. Evans believes the new, stream- in IMG. Socsi have suffered a relatively lined IMG netball league will elimiCaptain Anna Goater explained poor couple of seasons but captain nate many and create an elite band her reasons for such high expecta- Ellie Smith is hopeful that she can of teams. tions, “I think we could do really lift her team to bigger and better She commented, “With less well, hopefully even win the league. things. teams I don’t think there’ll be very We’ve done consistently well for the much variation in the standard of last two years and with pretty much Player to watch: Ellie Smith teams. I’m really disappointed for the same squad, there’s no reason those girls who aren’t going to get why we can’t continue our sucCardiff Uni A to play.” cess.” With 107 people turning up for triPlayer to watch: Jude Mills Players to watch: Sarah Dodds, als, Cardiff Uni undoubtedly boast Ally Brown and Claire Daw. the strongest squad in IMG netEngin Girls ball. Law B This season, they will field no less than five teams, three in IMG The dawn of the new IMG season will herald the birth of Engin Girls, Goater is less confident about mak- and two in the newly-formed who will be aiming to reverse the ing a prediction for Law B, who will Saturday league. Captain Rachel Nix is quietly male stereotypes and dominance this year have an influx of new talcommonly associated with their ent, as she is as yet unsure of the confident of achieving great things this year, “It will be hard to match department. final squad. The first ever netball representaThey do have an impressive Pharmacy because last year their tives from the engineering depart- record, though, having achieved shooting was just fantastic, but we’re hoping we can do well.” ment are unsure of their hopes on Premiership status last year. the court, but are clear that they Player to watch: Anna Travis want to rival the Engin Boys, who Psychology A last year won “Most Sociable Cardiff Uni B Team” at the IMG Awards. Having topped the Premiership on occasion last season, Psychology Player to watch: Pippa Low will hope they can use mind games With such unparalleled resources to turn that potential into end-of- in this year’s competition, Cardiff Law A season silverware. Uni B can expect to be the Captain Katy Nicholson-Lord strongest B team by far. Having finished 4 th in last Law A will be looking to continue commented, “We all believed we

year’s Premiership, squad captain Rachel Nix believes team spirit could be the key to success, “We work really well together as a squad and that shines through when we all train together.” Players to watch: Hunitng, Clare Donovan

Esther

Cardiff Uni C Despite being the C team, Cardiff Uni’s 3rd VII were chosen from the initial trialist squad of 107 and thus will present a threat to any opponents. Player to watch: Too early to predict Optometry A host of new players has left captain Sally Derbyshire unsure of what to expect from the coming season. She commented, “It’s really hard to say how we might do. We’re trying to get people from all three years of the department involved but it’s not easy. I’d rather get lots of people involved and having fun than win lots of matches.” Carbs A Carbs approach the new season full of confidence, with captain Maya Chandler declaring, “We’ll be fantastic!” Still fuming from last season’s controversial clash with Comsoc, Chandler is desperate to avenge a defeat she deemed unfair. She commented, “We weren’t happy at all with the situation last year. This time out we just want to win and that’s the way it is. We will definitely be aggressive.” Player to watch: Anna Curtis – Her swift movement around the court and impressive shooting will be essential to Carbs’ hopes of success. Carbs B Hopes are high that Carbs B can emulate the achievements of last year’s A team and march to glory in Division 1. Squad captain Maya Chandler is adamant that both Carbs teams can top the first two divisions when this year’s long awaited netball competition finally gets underway.

IMG Football Preview

October 18 2004

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waking up for again!

John Stanton previews the forthcoming season of a team created to represent Cardiff in Germany, Law retain their trophy and will fair play prevail? Irish Society Indifferent form in the latter stages of last season hasn’t dented captain Andy Gibson’s enthusiasm for the new season, as he expressed his "sheer delight" at once again being involved in the competition. With hopes high of a repetition of last season’s First Division status, the Irish Society will hope to emulate their national team and bring to the IMG a blend of colour and enthusiastic support. Player to watch: Captain Gibson’s verdict: "Nick Jones. Sheer pace, power and skill." Dynamo Centurion Perhaps more important than unearthing their hopes for the season is unearthing the reason behind the name of new boys, Dynamo Centurion. Club President Ian Hayne reveals all, “We decided on the name half after the drinking game and half because we’re loving the Eastern European feel.” So what of his team’s chances in the ultra-competitive IMG? “After one training session we’re quietly optimistic that we will perhaps win one game throughout the season, while attempting to play a totalfootball style game.” Player to watch: President Hayne’s verdict: “Our player of the season is likely to be the groundsman, who we’re hoping to pay off with a crate of beer to prepare a pitch that suits our continental style of play. “More importantly, our ‘Tit of the Year’ is without doubt going to be awarded to the one and only Peter Church, our fiery red-head striker who has about as much chance of scoring in a football game as he does in Solus.” Engin A The self-styled Engin Army is led by Engin A, whose captain Luke Oliver has piled the pressure on his team by insisting they can win the entire competition. According to Oliver, we should perhaps draw parallels between the new, ultra-professional Engin (formally Lokomotiv Engin) and Euro 2004 nearly-men, Portugal, since, claims Oliver, Engin are also entering their “golden generation”. He commented, “Many of our team are now in their fourth year of IMG competition and are hungrier than ever to lift the Premiership trophy for Engin. “With this wealth of experience and a whole clutch of new players coming through, we hope to be serious

contenders for the title. We have only lost two players over the summer, so hopefully we can do that again and make the Premiership this year. Who knows? Maybe even win it.” Defender Paul Welsh spoke of his “unimaginable joy” on hearing of Engin’s inclusion in this year’s competition, while Oliver explained his own reaction, “It’s awesome, the best league in the world.” Player to watch: Captain Oliver’s verdict: “We have some really great players. There’s Huw Phillips, who has played in the Welsh leagues and for the IMG Barbarians. Then there’s Paul Welsh, myself and Colin Williams, any of whom are good enough to be the best player in IMG.” English Society Having suffered the ignominy of finishing 32nd out of 32 teams in last year’s competition, English Society will be hoping to cast aside the wooden spoon and will be on the prowl for silverware this season. Captain Steve Wearne believes his newly-assembled squad has what it takes to climb the IMG ladder. “We were new to it last year but this year we have recruited some good new players and are aiming to be at least a division above where we ended up last year”, he said. Player to watch: Captain Wearne’s verdict: “Looking at the players in preseason, I think the person, other than myself, who has the potential to be our player of the season, is Kris LaBorde.” Cardiff Dragons Originally founded as Cardiff ’s representative in a tournament involving archaeology departments from across western Europe in Germany, the D r a g o n s ’ experience of continental football should serve them well in the coming season. H a v i n g finished 10th out of 40 teams in Germany, captain Markus Dylewski is hopeful that his team can avoid the postEuropean blues

so often suffered by the likes of Manchester United and Chelsea in the past. He said, “I would say that we’re not a bad team. We won’t win the tournament but hopefully we won’t be near the bottom either. I’m hoping for somewhere in the middle.” Player to watch: Captain Dylewski’s verdict: “None of the guys from the Germany team stand out and we have some people from physics who I don’t know too well yet.” Economics Having taken Division 1 by storm last year, Economics have had to re-assess their hopes, having been hit hard by player losses during the close season. Captain Andrew Williams, the sole survivor from last year’s impressive outfit, assessed his team’s prospects, “Realistically, we’d be pleased with getting into the First Division again but you never know, we might surprise ourselves.” Player to watch: Captain Williams’ verdict: “Steve Dunne will be our man to watch, I would guess.” Banko FC With a strong nucleus of disgruntled ex-History players, Banko FC have a point to prove and are keen to remind the IMG of what it missed last season. Captain Sam Mounder explained, “We have 6 players who used to play for History. I think we’ll do alright. We’re

definitely looking to at least be in the Premiership.” Player to watch: Captain Mounder’s verdict: “Robin Imeson could well be our star man. He’s a central-midfielder, always played well for History and has looked good in pre-season.” Euros Starting the season with no expectation of success, captain Nick Pollit believes his side will be looking at Division 3 action when they return from the Christmas break. As another new team, Euros are unclear of what to expect from the legend that is IMG football. Captain Pollit explains his team’s reasons for taking to the Pontcanna fields, “We’re just doing it for a laugh really. We have little or no experience and realistically our hopes aren’t very high.” Player to watch: Captain Pollit’s verdict: “Either small forward Matt Gilbert or ginger-bearded, midfield dynamo Mike Peters.” Carbs A After post-Christmas Premiership mediocrity last season, captain Ian Williams believes his side may struggle to retain their place in IMG’s elite league. Williams commented, “Personally, I don’t think we’re as strong as we were last year. Competition within the league is growing and there is more interest than

ever before.” Player to watch: Captain Williams’ verdict: “Matt Goss will be important for us, whether he plays in central midfield or central defence.” Rotation FC Fed up with having to watch from the touchline, Pete Surtees has guaranteed himself f irst-team football this year by forming Rotation FC. Named in a drunken stupor, Surtees claims his team’s name has changed to “Inter mee-nan”, although gair rhydd has yet to receive official confirmation of this change. Having spent his summer dreaming of Pontcanna glory, Surtees may need to temper his hopes of glory, bearing in mind his selection policy, “If you turn up to training, you’ll play. It’s as simple as that.” Earth Soc

After astounding last year’s IMG by achieving Premiership status, Earth Soc. will be hoping to avoid being labelled “one season wonders.” Having failed to field a team in two of their Premiership fixtures, doubts have been raised about their ability to survive the pace this time around. Player to watch: John Jackson

Continued on Page 40

gair rhydd

IMG’S BACK IN TOWN

HOCKEY HOPEFULS Ed Jones guides you through a bumper week of hockey action as BUSA gets underway See page 39

gair rhydd sport look ahead to an exciting season of IMG football and netball See pages 41-43

“We’re hoping to make a push for the title, preferably without choking this year.”

See page 42

MARJONS MAUL MEN’S XV By PFraser Watsonl, AU Vice

Cardiff 1st XV 3 - 26 Marjons

PHOTOS: Alex Carmichael

Morgan’s debut delight Great start for Ladies’ Football By Jo Roberts, Football Reporter

ON FORM: Emma Jones of Ladies’ AFC

CARDIFF GOT off to a flying start in the league as they trounced Marjons 4-0. On paper, this looked like a difficult match against the team that had finished second in the league last season, but Cardiff settled quickly and for the first 15 minutes dominated play and were rewarded with two goals. The first came from Alex Joannides, as she got on the end of a cross from Georgia Allcock. Six minutes later, Emma Jones was awarded a free kick, which led to a spell of Cardiff pressure that allowed Ceri Morgan to make her mark by scoring on her debut. The Cardiff players showed good awareness and passing, while Jones and Allcock won the battle in midfield, making sure that Marjons were

allowed few attempts on goal. Cardiff gave themselves plenty of chances, with useful crosses from the wings and creative play up front. The hosts could have gone into the break with more than a two-goal advantage. The introduction of Sabrina Noll in the second half allowed some new attacking options and only three minutes into the half, she scored after capitalising on a poor goal kick from the Marjons keeper. Cardiff continued to run the match but began to tire towards the end. Marjons took the opportunity to come forward more but could make no headway, especially out wide where new full-backs Sammy and Micki Burdus stopped any attacking build-ups. Marjons managed one threatening effort from a free kick but the quality of the shot was matched by Cardiff

‘keeper Sarah Newbury, who tipped the ball over the bar. As Marjons began to lose hope, Jess Baker was rewarded for her tireless play when she added to the goal tally on 77 minutes, after a good passing move with Noll. The match was a spirited performance from a newly put-together team and the performance leaves Cardiff’s ladies with a great chance to improve on the success of last season.

STANDING TALL: Cardiff showed class

THE HARSH realities of life in the Premier Division were exposed to Cardiff 1st XV last Wednesday when they were comprehensively beaten by a structured, if not flamboyant, Marjons side. With the scrum constantly on the back foot, half backs Eastham and Bradnock were never provided with a platform on which to release the Cardiff backline, whose main source of possession was provided by the outstanding lineout skills of Damian Welch. After Bradnock had put the home side in front with an early penalty, the Marjons pack asserted themselves with a series of rolling mauls and driven lineouts, counteracted by the superb defensive work of skipper Owain Griffiths, Tom Hockin and Nick Scholes. However, after fly half Ross Allan had let Cardiff off the hook with a missed penalty, pressure eventually told when Marjons second row Ben Hilton crashed over from close range after a quickly taken penalty. With the tight nature of the game, scoring chances after Hilton's try were rare prior to the interval, although both sides did have chances in the dying moments. Bradnock narrowly pushed wide a 25m penalty and Marjons centre Tom Williams failed to collect his own kick and chase. The second half began scrappily and constant infringements never allowed proceedings to flow, although centre Ian Dick nearly regained the lead for Cardiff when he came within a whisker of pouncing on his own grubber kick after a fine solo run. The home side were then unable to capatalise on a period of pressure which included a series of scrummages in the Marjons twenty-two and winger Simon Westwood was forced into touch after an outside break from Simon Franey. In the remaining quarter, however, the Marjons forwards finally wore down the Cardiff pack, which had been galvanised by the half time introduction of Danny Brown. Twice Marjons exerted a huge push from scrummages near the Cardiff line that set the platform for two tries from Ross Allan and flanker Vic Nortman, and the home side’s troubles were compounded when Nick Scholes was sent to the sinbin moments after for a late challenge. At 3-19, Cardiff desperately tried to force their way back but the Marjons defence held firm against a barrage of pressure, which included Griffiths being tackled short of the line after a 50 metre break and winger Simon Westwood having an effort disallowed. The visitors responded by rubbing salt into Cardiff ’s wounds in the dying seconds when Hilton was driven over for his second try. At the final whistle, despondent skipper Owain Griffiths praised his side’s attitude, "I can't fault the boys for effort, we just struggled to play our patterns but I'm confident we can address certain issues before next week’s trip to Imperial".

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IMG Football Preview

Page 42

October 18 2004

grsport@hotmail.com

Wednesdays are worth

With the bickering over and pre-season complete, IMG action. From Engin’s “golden generation” to competition will be more intense than ever. Can Psycho Athletico Having been involved in IMG football since 1991, the psychology department will this year return after a year’s absence under the Psycho Athletico guise. Psycho captain Justin Savage claims that it is hard to assess where his new group of players will finish, although he will be looking for a unique advantage: “As a female dominated department, we’ve certainly got the best looking supporters and who knows what sort of edge that might give us?” Savage could barely hide his joy at his side’s return to Wednesday afternoon action, “We’re absolutely delighted. There’s nothing like kicking a ball around in the freezing rain and mud-filled moguls, otherwise known as Pontcanna.” Player to watch: Captain Savage’s verdict: “As always, this is highly subjective and so as not to upset any of my star players, I’m going to nominate any referee that plays fair.” Accountancy Having triumphed in the 2002/3 season and walked away with the IMG trophy, last season proved something of a disappointment for a newly assembled squad under the guidance of championship winning veteran, Mark Bate. This time around, Bate has his sights set firmly on obtaining a much sought after Premiership place, “Most of our players from last year are still here so we’re hoping to take the IMG by storm.” An unbeaten pre-season has filled Bate with confidence, yet he is wary of complacency, “The IMG is always an unknown quantity so it’s difficult to know what to expect.” Players to watch: Captain Bate’s verdict: “It’s hard to single any individual out, but Rhys Beak and Chris Holland could be influential if they are on top form.” Law A Last year’s champions will be hoping to regain the title they fought so hard to obtain. Captain Fergus Houlden is full of confidence ahead of the new season, “Law A will avenge the disgraceful response we received at last year’s IMG awards night by retaining the title and proving why we were, and why we will once again be, champions of Cardiff University’s IMG league.” Confident Houlden is desperate for the new season to get underway, “Now that we know we’re definitely in, I am excited by the prospect of another IMG season with all the usual frills and spills.” Player to watch: Captain Houlden’s verdict: “Obviously, I’m not going to give too much away here, but I can think of at least five players who have the ability to

put in a match winning performance and that’s before we even had trials. Who are they? Well, just you wait and see!” Law B Law’s squad captain Fergus Houlden believes he will have a group of players to rival any in this year’s IMG and thinks this will be reflected in the achievements of Law B. He commented, “Law will once again be a formidable squad. The B team will remain a tricky customer and I hope they will finish well-placed in the Premiership or top the 1st Division. “To be honest, I’m just relieved to be involved. Failure for a large department like Law to be involved in the league would undermine the tournament.”

understand how some departments are allowed two teams while others don’t get the chance to register one. Reserve teams should only be allowed to take part when everyone else has had a fair chance to register.” Player to watch: Captain Muzaffer’s verdict: “This will probably be centralmidfield maestro Alex Hoggart. Highly influential, fantastic work rate and looks a bit like Jesus.” Vasco de Pharma Last year’s Division 3 champions Vasco de Pharma are realistic about their hopes for the new season.

John Jenkins FC Having finished 16th out of 32 teams last year, John Jenkins captain Johnny Cockerton is hopeful his team can improve upon their inaugural IMG season. He said, “After finishing our first season dead middle, we would hope that our second season would provide slightly more success. A Premiership place would be a definite success for John Jenkins FC this season and it is by no means an unrealistic target.” Player to watch: Captain Cockerton’s verdict: “In Ross Lovell and Nick Goodsell we could have one of the best midfields in the competition this year.” AFC History Initially set up last year to rival History FC, captain Adem Muzaffer claims it was “bloody funny” when that team failed to secure an IMG place. Muzaffer believes that a new kit may be the key to success for the rebel History team this year, “Realistically, we want to push for the Premiership this year, after relative mid-league obscurity last time around. “If all goes to plan, we will be wearing funky new yellow Torquay Utd-style kits, so all-in-all, we’re on the up.” Aside from resembling a lowly professional team, Muzaffer has strong views about the organisation of this year’s tournament, “I must say I don’t agree completely with the system, since I just don’t

to player additions and having adapted a new style of play effective in the IMG. We’re going into this year’s competition fully prepared.” Player to watch: Captain Lake’s verdict: “We have several good players from last season and a few good additions who will be pushing last year’s winner, Andrew Marsh.” R P Lakers New boys RP Lakers will be hoping to begin a tradition to rival their LA counterparts and captain Nathan Skidmore has high expectations. He commented, “We hope to make it to at least Division 1 this year. We have yet to play a friendly so until we do, how well we perform at 11-aside remains to be seen. We know we have the quality in our players to perform well. We can’t wait to get the ball rolling.” Player to watch: Captain Skidmore’s verdict: “Nicky Byrne. He’s a very strong player, both physically and mentally, and he has the ability to score goals as well as assist.” Athletico Roy

Captain Martyn Lewis is wary of expecting too much from his players, “I’m not too concerned about our prospects for the season. I just hope that we can qualify into a competitive league after Christmas so that each game is a tough one.” Player to watch: Captain Lewis’ verdict: “Thankfully, this season we haven’t got one player who stands out from the rest, so the boys will fight harder to be crowned player of the season.” Japsoc In not having traditional, English numbers on their shirts, Japsoc may have a cunning advantage, with other teams finding them difficult to mark. Yet any such advantage proved minimal last year as Japsoc found themselves nestling near the bottom of the IMG ladder. Captain Oli Lake is promising an improvement this time around, “We’re hoping to build on last season’s efforts and push for the First Division at least, thanks

Having crumbled under the weight of propping up Division 2 last year, Roy’s captain Dennis Hunt believes this could be the year his team come of age. Hunt explained, “I feel that our hopes for the season ahead are bigger than last year, with a Premiership spot on the mind of all players. Realistically however, we would be more than happy with a top spot in Division 1. “I think the team this year is far stronger, more experienced and better organised than last year and is a force to be reckoned with.” Player to watch: Captain Hunt’s verdict: “Player of the season, apart from myself obviously, could be anyone, but some big name Roy players include Marc Penman, Dave Smith and Ricky Behan. They’re all players you should look out for.” Momed After missing out on Premiership glory in agonising fashion last year, Momed chairman Tom Shedden is hopeful his tracksuitclad squad will obtain the ultimate prize

this time around. He explained, “We are hopeful of once again making a push at the Premiership title, preferably without choking this year! We have a good bunch of new players. “We hope that the season is played in the manner that it should be, with friendly rivalry but safely and fairly.” Player to watch: Chairman Shedden’s verdict: “Our captain, Matt Britton, has to be one of the front-runners as he is an allround performer and is also highly respected.” Carbs B Desperately trying to emerge from the shadow cast over them by their A team, Carbs B are promising a stronger side this year that will be able to make a bigger impact on IMG 2004/5. Supremo Ian Williams commented, “Our team is greatly improved upon last year and will no doubt go on to bigger and better things this season, with a stronger and fitter squad. We’re aiming to be the best in the league we end up in and finish respectably.” He continued, “We are now ready for the challenge the new IMG season holds. With the slightly different rules this year and the Zurich Premiership style finish, things look promising.” Player to watch: Captain Williams’ verdict: “Mark Ely. He’s a top-class striker with a superb touch and a great eye for goal. This man is unstoppable when on form. Fingers crossed he can do the job!” Jomec Once proud members of the IMG elite, it appears Jomec may be in the midst of an irreversible downward spiral. Captain Kevin Jones is far from optimistic about his side’s ambitions, “Our realistic hope at the moment is to actually be able to field a team. If we manage to do that, we would hope to be in the 1st Division again.” Player to watch: Captain Jones’ verdict: “Our star player of the season will more than likely be Rich – I don’t know his last name but he was our best player last year and scored most of our goals.” Christian Union Christian Union captain Dave WebsterGardener believes the fate of one of last season’s surprise packages could lie with the luck of the IMG draw. He explained, “Our realistic hope is to be Division 1 champions, with a possible shout at getting into the Premiership, although it will depend upon the draw.” Player to watch: Captain WebsterGardener’s verdict: “Opinion is divided between Matt Pardin and Chris Holmes.”