gair rhydd - Issue 772

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

RULING THE AIRWAVES Xpress Radio launch on FM this Friday and gair rhydd is tuning in

NO PLACE LEFT TO GO Asylum Seekers in Cardiff: A special investigation by Paul Dicken INVESTIGATIONS: PAGE 5

Uni allows fee-problem students extra time

YOU’RE FEE TO STAY

STUDENTS LEFT out of pocket by the loans fiasco have raised concerns about their future at Cardiff University.

Several students remain without their loans or even confirmation of their entitlement to funding – resulting in failure to pay their tuition fees.

Following this discovery, gair rhydd has gained confirmation from the University that temporary enrolment will be increased "as appropriate."

Rachel Jones, a third year music student, is one of those hit by the problem – thought to have been caused by the malfunction of the Student Loan Company’s new computer system.

She told gair rhydd: "I handed my form in by the deadline and had my loan by enrolment, but what I haven’t had is the assessment letter, which proves the Local Education Authority will pay my fees."

In response to Ms Jones’s comments, a spokesperson for Carephilly Local Education Authority said: "The letter is now on its way."

When asked as to the reason for the delay, they said they could not detect any

FREE

WWW.CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

MEDIA: PAGE 17

By Matt Wilkin and Dave Doyle

ISSUE 772. October 25 2004

problems with the application and that the responsibility for mailing out letters lies solely with the Student Loans Company.

New computer software was introduced at the SLC at the end of last year to allow students to apply online, and permit finance officers at local authorities to track applications.

In a statement, the Glasgow-based company reiterated that those students who applied on time would be paid.

"Our plans will ensure that all students who applied on time will not be left out of pocket.

“Students who applied after the cut-off date will have their application processed as quickly as possible and will be paid during their first term.

"However, as in previous years, we cannot guarantee the date of payments for late applicants or those who did not submit their applications correctly."

Ben Lewis, Head of the Student Advisory Service, urges students worried about missing their payment deadlines not to panic.

"In general, first years will be the largest group affected, and we have made plans for temporary enrolment to be extended in this

case.

"Where second, third or fourth year students are concerned, it is suggested that they pay the level fee that applied last year and if, when they receive their letter, an adjustment is required, the institution will facilitate this.

"The Student Advisory Service has an emergency loan fund and interim payments from the SLC may be available for those that require immediate assistance."

The Union is actively seeking to ascertain what the key problem was this year and achieve a resolution so that future students will not be affected by a similar fiasco next summer.

The problem has also been tackled by President for Humanities and Social Sciences, Pete Goodman, who said: "I have spoken with the NUS to see what we could do as a national body.

"A motion has been passed through the Students’ Union Council and which has now been submitted to the NUS Wales Winter conference.

"I think it’s disgraceful how students have not received their loans on time this year, leaving many in Cardiff and across Wales financially desolate."

Foxy Lady

By Charlotte Styles Reporter CARDIFF’S AUSTRALIAN connections were finally extinguished on Tuesday, after an animal believed to be a kangaroo, was caught and put down.

The elusive creature first thought to be a kangaroo, and then a wallaby, had been roaming Cardiff’s streets for nearly a week when it was eventually identified as a mangy fox with a gammy leg.

The mystery marsupial dubbed Rory the Roogitive was finally named and shamed after specialists from Longleat Safari Park and the National Museum of Wales spotted the differences between a kangaroo and a fox. Following expert opinions the RSPCA set traps in gardens to capture the animal.

After five days searching Cardiff’s outback, the mystery was finally solved when Peter Howlett, curator of vertebrates at the National Museum of Wales, Cardiff, studied a photo of the animal.

He concluded that the animal, most probably a fox, was suffering from mange, which causes fur loss. It is estimated that the animal had lost 95% of its fur, leaving it without its bushy tail. He also said that the animal’s legs were too long and that the animal had an injury causing it to hop.

The fox was put down by an RSPCA officer who felt it was too ill to recover.

News

Page 2

October 18 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance

News Interviews Taf-Od Politics Opinion Letters Jobs and Money Media Science Leech Y Gelen Competitions Television Five Minute Fun Problem Page Listings Sport

1 7 8 9 10 13 14 17 18 19 20 23 31 33 34 36

EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Ken Griffin, Robbie Lane NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Andrew Mainwaring, Will Dean, John Widdop, Katie Brunt LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey FIVE MINUTE FUN Sarah Bayes JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, AJ Silvers PROOF READERS Carly Sharples, Morwenna Keens, Katherine Mallam, Alys Southwood CONTRIBUTORS

Matt Wilkin, Charlotte Styles, Alexandra Fry, Dan Riddler, Nick Waldron, Lisa Roberts, Lene Westrheim, Will Carson, Jemma Gander, Cara Lee, Olivier Dechesne, Sophie Robehmed, Rhiannon Holley, Bethan Samuel, Andrew Mickel, David Jarmain, Andrew Rennison, Daniel Stanton, Charissa Coulthard, David Jones, Pat Gorman, Laura Wootton, Heather Casey, Caleb Woodbidge, Martha Crockatt, Eleanor Sherrard-Smith, Hamid Raza Ali, Anna Travis, Alex Cinus, Christina Hall, Martyn Lewis, Billy Hemstock, Sophie Armstrong, Ffion Atwell, Fraser Watson, Ed Jones, Frances Williams, Matt Ramsden, Alex Carmichael, Nick Parnell, Nadia Sam Dalir, Tom Scobie, Simon Clode

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

ALL OR NOTHING FOR WALES

By Alexandra Fry and Dan Riddler Reporters

A WELSH language group wants to segregate communities based on their ‘Welshness’, which will put English speakers in Wales at a major disadvantage.

Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg (the Welsh Language Society) has proposed to councillors in Carmarthenshire, that towns and villages should be divided into three separate bands labelled A to C. Band A would consist of Welsh speakers keen to promote the language in schools and council policies, while bands B and C will then be offered initiatives to work towards band A classification such as housing for young people and better transport links.

Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg has denied that the system will introduce a form of apartheid in Wales by categorising communities simply as either ‘Welsh’ or ‘English’.

The society claims that its sliding scale is a realistic approach and the main aim is to encourage young people to stay in Welsh communities to prevent a decline in the language.

Sioned Elin, Chairperson for Cymdeithas y Gymraeg in Carmarthenshire, said that the Council’s objective should be to "implement policies that protect the Welsh language."

Despite figures from Census figures revealing that

Carmarthenshire boasts the largest number of Welsh speakers in Wales with 89,213 speakers (54.8%) in 1991, this is a drop from 92,705 speakers (59.2%) in 1981.

Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg, famed for its rejection of violence in its campaigns, was formed at Aberystwyth University in the 1960s following a famous radio lecture, Tynged yr Iaith, The Future of the Language, by Plaid Cymru cofounder Saunders Lewis.

Meanwhile a personal apology was made this week to First Minister Rhodri Morgan for missing Wales off an official EU map earlier this month.

Wales was omitted due to what has been described as a ‘technical error’ and instead of including

the crucial country, the map simply ended at a line between Bristol and Liverpool.

At the time of publication the mistake in the statistical compendium Eurostat prompted outrage in Wales. Glenys Kinnock, Welsh Labour MEP, described the omission as "shocking", adding that "Wales is on all the maps that matter."

Rhodri Morgan has received what has been described as a ‘grovelling apology’ from the head of the European Commission in the UK, Ian Barber, who also assured him that the publication has been blocked.

Mr Barber hopes this unfortunate error will not harm the "excellent and well-established’ Welsh-EU relations of recent years.

MORGAN: Apology given

Turn off the lights RETURN OF THE BAC Assembly slammed for not banning smoking

By Nick Waldron Reporter THE BRITISH Medial Association (BMA) has slammed the Welsh Assembly Government for failure to introduce a ban on smoking in public places.

The health group have accused the Welsh Assembly of slowing down the processing of a public smoking ban.

The National Assembly for Wales voted for a smoking ban in public places last year but the bill has failed to be brought before parliament.

Dr Tony Calland, Chairman of the BMA’s Welsh Council, said: "The powers lie in Westminster, and the Secretary of State for Wales needs to be persuaded before he suggests it to Cabinet as a Wales Bill."

The news comes after a new report on passive smoking revealed that the effects on people’s health is more harmful than previously thought.

A new report by The Scientific Committee on Tobacco and Health (SCOTH) updates their previous report of 1998, with information from a new report released four months ago, and has produced worrying conclusions.

By Lisa Roberts

The research shows that passive Reporter smoking can increase the chances of heart and lung cancer by up to 25%.

A-LEVELS AND GCSEs look set This has lead to further pressure to end by 2014 after a major on the government to place a ban on shake-up of the examinations smoking in public places. system in England was This may well soon lead to smokannounced. ing laws similar to that of Ireland, Mike Tomlinson, the former chief where smoking has been banned in inspector of schools, who devised the restaurants and public places. new proposals, hopes the new system This is expected to lower smoking will encourage more 16-year-olds to related disease rates and also help continue in school and make candidiscourage people from continuing date selection for employers and unismoking and also from starting. versities less difficult.

But Simon Clark, director of the Pupils will have less coursework smokers' lobby group FOREST, said as they work towards a new fourthe reviews by SCOTH were seriouslevel ‘diploma’, combining mainly flawed. stream subjects and a core of voca"It is simply not true that the vast tional work as well as assissting in majority of research shows passive the community. smoking is damaging health.

The higher level Demo Countdown There have been almost 150 diploma will be more studies on passive smoking challenging than Aand overall the results are levels at present inconclusive," he said. and will include The ban on smoking the ‘super-grades’ in public areas is waiting A* and A**, s week to be approved by parliaallowing the ment and as yet no date brightest pupils to has been set for it to be exceed the limits of Until Anti-Fees Demo the present scheme. brought before the cabinet for debate.

Whereas the high level

diploma is assessed externally, the lower level diploma taken by 16-year olds, the equivalent of GCSEs, will be graded by teachers.

But there will be an extended research project designed to test research and writing skills.

Wales has already been piloting a similar scheme, the Welsh Baccalaureate, which echoes a great deal of the suggestions made by Mr Tomlinson.

The Welsh Bac is currently piloting in 24 schools around Wales and is planned to spread across the rest of the country by 2007, putting Wales a few years ahead of the proposed changes for England.

The Welsh Bac will work alongside the GCSE and A-level curriculum, offering pupils an additional core of learning; the Tomlinson’s proposal is meant to replace them.

Parents are likely to object scrapping GCSEs and A-levels entirely as it will mean the end to school league tables.

As a result, the Welsh Assembly government is expected to tweak the Welsh Bac, taking ideas from future development in England while making sure it reflects on Wales’ curricular needs.

of CMU, the body that represents the new universities.

He says that the claims about strategic importance is just another way of justifying the amount of money given to research within certain universities, "allowing these departments and universities to live in the style to which they have become accustomed."

"On the one hand the government has been pushing universities strongly in the direction of a market…and then at the same time we’re talking about reintroducing Stalinist controls."

He also calls Clarke’s ideas "crazy" and "inconsistent", and the product of old-fashioned thinking.

The Russell group of top universi-

ties, however, welcome Clarke’s initiative and admires his "bravery" in terms of addressing the shortage of scientists, which for many years have undermined the competitiveness of UK on the global market.

It may still be difficult for Mr Clarke to put his ideas into action, since universities are autonomous bodies, fully entitled to provide places to students on subjects which the students are willing to spend their time and money.

According to Financial Times, the majority of universities agree upon the fact that they would rather like to have students who are motivated to do their course, then having to teach students who are forced into certain disciplines.

5

Students go for ‘soft’ degrees

By Lene Westrheim Reporter

MORE PEOPLE than ever want to study ‘softer’ subjects at university, such as tourism and dance, according to figures released this week.

The Financial Times reports that while many students want to study subjects such as tourism and dance, fewer people are tempted by computer science, electronic engineering, physics and geology.

Some subjects, such as mechanical and civil engineering, went up by more than ten and 24 per cent respectively this year.

This had led to fears that too many students these days go to uni-

versity in order to study subjects which are regarded as "fuzzy" by academics and employers.

The figures fuel concerns that universities are failing to turn out graduates that employers and the economy need.

In order to battle the long-term effects of such a trend, Education Secretary Charles Clarke has suggested a consultation on subject choices.

He has also asked the cabinet to identify subjects that should be a priority to the economy, in order to encourage future students to study these disciplines.

The initiative met with a cold response from Professor Michael Driscoll, vice-chancellor of Middlesex University and chairman

News

October 25 2004

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

MERGER MAYHEM

Yates’s calls time on cheap drinks

Proposed merger of UWIC and Glamorgan collapses as lecturers face unsure future

By Will Carson and Jemma Gander Reporters JOBS COULD be on the line at two Cardiff universities following the breakdown of merger talks said lecturers’ union NAFTHE earlier this week.

The University of Glamorgan and the University of Wales Institute Cardiff (UWIC) were set to merge, creating a ‘super-university’ to rival Cardiff University as the biggest higher education institute in Wales.

However, discussions broke down in December 2003 following a row between the Vice Chancellors of the institutions regarding who should lead the new university and whether or not it should be part of the federal University of Wales.

The collapse of the talks has meant the loss of more than £226,000 invested by the Higher Education Funding Council of Wales (HEFCW) in the proposed merger, as well as “significant” staff time and resources.

This may lead to compulsory staff redundancies at both Universities in order to save money as both Universities are financially vulnerable; one of the key reasons for the merger.

A report published earlier this week by the HEFCW states that talks halted due to the insistence from

Glamorgan governors that the post of Vice Chancellor go to open competition, contrary to UWIC’s plans to instate their current Vice Chancellor in the position.

Meetings hereafter failed to progress, with each university repeating “widely differing resolutions” until the plans were finally dropped.

A spokesperson for Glamorgan University said they are very disappointed at the termination of talks. Both Boards of Governors will hold their own talks in forthcoming weeks to discuss the future of the merger, however Glamorgan University Press Officer Reece Evans said it is “too early to say what the Governors will decide”.

Mr Evans added that Glamorgan University have “no plans to re-introduce talks on the merger.”

NAFTHE union official Margaret Phelan said that the merger collapse could be blamed on “a couple of individuals” and was over “personal issues” which should not get in the way of saving jobs.

“As far as we are concerned, the case for merger is still there,” she said.

But, the HEFCW report states the talks would be near impossible to reopen due to “the lack of trust and mutual vision between the two institutions.”

UWIC have said that they cannot comment until their Board of Governors meet.

Coursework chaos

By Olivier Dechesne Reporter STUDENTS FROM the School of Medicine have been kept waiting for over 18 months to receive the results of their second year coursework.

Fourth year medical students have only recently received the results of the Homeostasis coursework, handed in during the Christmas semester of their second year, in 2002.

A letter accompanying the results apologised for the delay in issuing the transcripts, citing “technical difficulties” as the reason for the belated return.

When asked about the delay, Peter Winterburn, the Sub-Dean, said: “Staffing problems had created difficulties in having the particular piece of coursework marked in the period after it was submitted. The students had been informed there

would be a delay but assured that the marking would be completed in time for the relevant Examining Board.

This was done.

“With regard to the return of this piece of coursework, this should have been returned in June/July - together with the other items of coursework for Intermediate MB. Through an oversight, this coursework was not returned until early this session. We are sorry for this additional delay.”

He ratified this position by stating that medical students do not follow the same typical modular course structure, and do not have major exams at the end of each year.

Steps have been taken to rectify this problem, and from this session coursework is required to be handed in both as hard copy and in electronic form. In this way, it will be possible to retain a copy of the original whilst also returning a copy with feedback to students.

LAST ORDERS: All you can drink offer finally comes to an end (Photo: Pat Gorman)

By Cara Lee Reporter THE YATES’S Group has called time on happy hour promotions and all you can drink offers in response to concerns over increasing amounts of alcohol consumed in Britain.

Last Monday the nationwide chain pledged that they would not sell alcohol below certain prices and to reduce the cost of soft drinks on the

weekend. Their cocktail jugs will also contain less shots of alcohol.

Mark Jones, the chief executive of the Yates’s Group said that the rise of binge drinking had forced his company to stop the offers of all-youcan-drink nights.

“So-called binge drinking and its consequences is the biggest single issue facing the bar sector right now.

“We are determined to tackle it head-on and explore ways in which we can continue to encourage our

customers to drink and enjoy themselves in a responsible manner,” he said.

With bar chains facing pressure from politicians for the apparent growth in alcohol abuse, other firms have also introduced changes to prevent binge drinking.

Jim Clarke, financial director of Wetherspoons, recently confirmed that the company has “introduced a number of measures to curb irresponsible drinking.”

Cardiff’s rising star

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter A SECOND year student at Cardiff University has the starring role in a new feature film showing at this year’s prestigious Cardiff Screen Festival.

Neuroscience student Bethany Wilkins landed the role of Sarah in new film, Powerless, which will get its World Premiere at the Cardiff Screen Festival on Saturday November 20.

The small-budget independent will be previewing alongside Hollywood blockbusters starring Denzel Washington, Kevin Bacon and Natalie Portman.

The film tells the story of Bethany’s character, Sarah, who leaves her London home for a remote house in the Welsh mountains to change her life.

But a horrific terrorist attack renders Britain powerless, leaving Sarah’s family trying to survive the aftermath, which paralyses Britain with months-long power cuts and anarchy.

For a film shot on a budget of just £5000, and a cast and crew almost entirely drawn from one family, a premiere at the international festival is a significant achievement.

And the festival’s organisers were compelled to find a bigger venue for the World Premiere of the film

POWERLESS: A screenshot from the film premiering in Cardiff because tickets sold out in a week.

“We are thrilled. The invitation to premiere our film at Cardiff is a dream come true. As the majority of the film was made in Wales it seems only right to premiere in Cardiff,” said the film’s director Matt Daniels.

“We are over the moon. To sell out in the first week is astounding, thank goodness there is a larger venue to make sure no one was disappointed,” said Bethany.

“The main challenge was for me to keep coming back from university and

get back into character which was pretty difficult,” she said.

Daniels said he was very impressed

by Bethany’s performance. “Beth not only holds the story together but also excels in provoking an emotional response from the audience.

“She has a way of lighting up the room when she enters; habitually buoyant she has made the project fun and believable.”

For more information on the Cardiff Screen Festival, visit their web site: www.cardiffscreenfestival.co.uk

World News

Page 4

October 25 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

DESIGNER BABIES?

By Nadia Sam-Daliri Reporter

Scientists at Newcastle University are carrying out research that results in children being born with three biological parents.

Permission has to be granted by the Human Fertilisation and Embryo Authority, yet medical officials claim that the research is sure to be approved in the coming weeks.

The aim of the study is to prevent mothers from passing on hereditarygenetic diseases to their children. The technique will involve a donor egg, being stripped of its nucleus, acting as a safe depository.

The nucleus, from an embryo of an affected mother, will then be inserted into the donor egg. The required result will be a cohesive, and hopefully healthy, embryo.

The research has aroused huge

debate, with some claiming that it will lead to an increase in elderly mothers.

There is also evidence to suggest that the technique is not safe.

"The manipulation of embryos is potentially very risky for the child," said the director of Human Genetics Alert, Dr David King.

Many are also worried that the technology will eventually be exploited, and provide a method for so-called ‘designer babies’.

However, there is a fierce backlash from the parents of children that have inherited diseases. Paul Preston, of the Children’s Mitochondrial Disease Network, has three children that suffer from genetic disorders.

"This is not about genetic engineering but about stopping children suffering," said Mr Preston.

Scientists claim that they are at least three years away form offering the treatment.

BABIES: Healthy outlook?

NEW HOPE FOR GLOBAL AIDS EPIDEMIC

By Tom Scobie Reporter

FORTY-TWO million people across the globe are estimated to be HIV positive, with 3 million deaths from AIDS last year. Now , fresh hope has emerged due in part to the development of a new antiviral gel.

An international effort, including scientists from the UK's Medical Research Council, Imperial College London, Case Western Reserve University in Ohio and scientists in Geneva have worked to develop the gel.

The gel, which is applied internal-

ly, uses microbicidal molecules that operate in three ways: killing the

WORLD AIDS DAY: December 1

virus before entering the body, preventing it from establishing itself once inside the body, and stopping it entering the body in the first instance. Experts believe these new preventative measures could alter the battle against AIDS. Even if the gels are only partially successful they could help to prevent millions of new infections. Areas where condoms are not easily available, or used would benefit greatly The Gel is still currently in trials but could be available by the end of the decade. However in Sub-Saharan Africa which has an estimated 66.1% of the worlds HIV cases, the gel will arrive too late for many. The

UN has called for strong global support in the fight against the AIDS epidemic.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has set a two-year plan costing $5.5bn to tackle the virus and Tony Blair has pledged £1.5bn on HIV related programmes over the next 3 years. This marks a significant upward trend in funding.

Comments from the UN Population Fund (UNFPA) highlight the ongoing urgency of the crisis.

They stated that the return in Sudan of hundreds of thousands of refugee’s to their homes from the Darfur conflict could see a huge surge in infection rates there.

Graduates resort to Prostitution

By Simon Clode Reporter ZIMBABWE’s GRADUATES are being forced into prostitution as the country continues to descend into anarchy under President Robert Mugabe.

With inflation at 400% and unemployment at over 70%, Zimbabwe is now a country on the verge of finance collapse.

The middle class who previously benefited from university education are now finding it an impossible luxury as many now form a large part of the 9.8 million majority of the population who live on less than one dollar a day.

Although Zimbabwe is becoming destitute, options such as emigration are not open to everyone. Those who want to go, now face the danger of illegally entering a neighbouring nation or the expense of flying to European nations to work in the nursing industry.

For those who do not emigrate one of the few options left is prostitution, and the possibility of earning up to $45 a day makes it too tempting for some. This is known by aid agencies as a ‘negative coping mechanism’.

It is not just graduates being forced into prostitution; teachers, policewoman and nurses have all turned to the world’s oldest profession to sur-

vive.

The rise in prostitution is of further concern to Zimbabwe as it has failed to escape the Aids epidemic currently tearing Africa apart.

Nearly a quarter of the Zimbabwean population is infected by HIV, with increasing poverty and continuing isolation from the international community it seems the epidemic will only continue to grow.

With fixed elections and Zimbabwe’s main opposition party, the Movement for Democratic Change, losing support, there now appears to be no solution to the country’s problems except outside intervention.

If this remains the case the situation remains desperate for graduates struggling to survive.

ZIMBABWE GRADUATES: Struggle in harsh economy

World News Round-up

By Paul Dicken News Editor BRITISH SOLDIERS IN Iraq are being moved from the South of the country to more high risk areas around the capital Baghdad.

Defence secretary Geoff Hoon’s announcement to re-deploy the Black Watch regiment was taken after a US request. The move is said to have angered some Labour MPs. Despite the political emphasis, the government insisted that the move was made for military reasons, to help tighten security in the forthcoming Iraqi elections. The reasons for the re-deployment were also due to the lack of combat ability attributed to a lot of the American troops currently in Iraq. The Prime Minister said that the normal rotation procedure for troops would still apply, meaning the Black Watch soldiers would be home for Christmas.

In Baghdad, Staff Sgt Ivan Frederick was sentenced to eight years in prison. He pleaded guilty to eight counts of abuse and humiliating Iraqi detainees in the Abu Gharib jail.

Sgt Frederick was the highest ranking officer to be charged in the trial. The scandal broke into the headlines in April, when photos and video tapes showed the horrific treatment of prisoners at the US military jail. He admitted connecting wires to hands of a detainee that would electrocute him and to forcing prisoners to masturbate.

Iranian plans for nuclear developments were met by European negotiators looking to strike a compromise. The offer made from Europe would allow civilian nuclear technology, with trade incentives if the country agreed to suspend its uranium enrichment program.

Iran itself has never made any claims to be producing nuclear weapons, although the USA have made claims that the electric nuclear developments are infact a cover for a weapons program.

The meeting in Vienna hopes to prevent Iran from continuing enrichment procedures, which can be used to produce electricity or weaponry.

President Mohammed Khatami siad he had his own proposal that would protect his country’s right to enrich uranium. On November 25 the International Atomic Energy Agency will deliver an assesment of Iran’s cooperation with inspectors. The UN’s nuclear watchdog have the power to report non-compliance to the security council, who can impose sanctions, under US pressure.

A mine blast in China killed 56 miners. The gas explosion left a further 92 missing.

The cause of the explosion was unknown, but the build-up of toxic gas in China’s ancient mines is a common occurance, where there are thousands of deaths reported every year.

Further east in Japan, the deadliest typhoon in 60 years killed nearly 60 people and injured 200. Typhoon Tokage reached speeds up to 229km/h as it tore across the southwest coast, moving out to sea and weakening before it reached Tokyo.

Investigation

October 25 2004

Page 5

grnews@cf.ac.uk

SEEKING STABILITY

By Paul Dicken News Editor

L

ife as an asylum seeker in the UK probably places you somewhere between a stereotype and a political tool.

Thursday 21 October sees the official closure of Adamscourt asylum seeker and refugee centre in Cardiff.

The closure of the centre has meant the rehousing of individuals and families who lived in Adamscourt after coming to the UK from countries as diverse and widespread as Iraq, Sudan, Iran and Bosnia.

The process of eviction has meant some people are being temporarily rehoused in Hotel or Bed and Breakfast accomodation, an unfortunate ordeal for people who are struggling to seek stability having made the journey here from some of the most unstable countries in the world.

The company who managed the Adamscourt facility, Accomodata, were one of two companies to have their contracts terminated by the Home Office in the wake of a “decrease in asylum seekers”, leading to surplus accommodation facilities.

The decision to close down the two facilities was made in July of this year; the decision followed an article in The Times stating that the figure of overspending on asylum seeker accommodation had reached one million pounds.

Although the figures suggest a steadily falling rate of asylum seeker applications - an 11 percent decrease between April and June this year - both the Welsh Refugee Council and the Welsh Local Authorities Consortium on Refugees and Asylum Seekers suggested that dispersal figures in Wales would not decrease significantly, if at all.

It is well publicised that the question of asylum is a powerful political issue, with statistics often being used in party debates as a key topic in winning voters. It is also true enough to say that the media has a monopoly of control over how and when people who are seeking asylum in the UK are represented.

A recent article in the Daily Mail

described the desire for Scotland to encourage foreign workers into the country as creating a “magnet for asylum seekers and refugees.” Scottish First Minister Jack McConnell wants more power over immigration to reverse the economic effects of a declining and ageing population.

Looking for an easy solution for the control of immigration is near enough impossible, yet this does not stop the reduction of the issue to a question of how many and how much it will cost.

The complexity and individual trauma of seeking asylum is frequently missing from the national representation.

The question of housing benefit and financial support is often thrown in front of arguments about how much the economy and national culture benefits from people entering the country.

The idea that Britain is an easy option for people to take advantage of free health and slack controls is another argument put into the fray.

A spokesperson from Cardiff County Council suggested that benefit levels for asylum seekers was “no way near” what British Citizens are entitled to, although those granted asylum and refugee status are entitled to equal social rights. The government has amended its policy this year on asylum control, with tighter restrictions on applications and on those people trying to avoid deportation by destroying their documents.

Statistics released in August of this year placed the number of cases waiting an initial decision at nearly 20,000 less than the previous year, with only three percent of people granted asylum, and eight per cent given discretionary leave or humanitarian protection. As well as these measures, the government have implemented increased charges for foreign nationals working in the UK. Home Office Minister Des Browne released statements saying: “The fees we are proposing are proportionate and necessary...while regulating entry and taking action against those who do not have the right to be here.”

For the people of Adamscourt the closure of the centre has meant more upheaval and displacement, with the decision appearing more like a politi-

ADAMSCOURT, CARDIFF: contract terminated by the home office cal gesture than a practical necessity.

Almost all of the occupants are, or have been rehoused within Cardiff in a joint effort between NASS (National Asylum Seeker Support Service), local authorities and charities.

David Farnsworth, Chief Executive of the Welsh Refugee Council said: “The closure of Adamscourt has had a significant impact on many of the residents who were forced to relocate. We regret the loss of many of the good practice initiatives that were taking place there.

“Whilst we recognise that accommodation provision must reflect asylum numbers, procurement issues and numbers must never obscure the fact that asylum seekers are people who must be provided with a humane and fair system of support.”

PEOPLE ON THE MOVE: a child from Afghanistan is carried by her mother.

Trish Johns from the Local Authorities Consortium for Refugees and Asylum Seekers indicated that although Cardiff is home to certain cultural groups, the origin of asylum seekers fluctuates as war zones

“

threequarters of the world’s 20 million ‘conventional’ refugees are hosted by developing countries

”

throughout the world change. War-torn countries such as Iraq and Sudan, along with the drought striken country of Somalia, provide the statistical categorisation for the largest numbers of refugees and asylum seekers.

Wales itself is home to a relatively small number of asylum seekers and refugees; the Refugee Council estimates there are less than 10,000 refugees currently in Wales. On an international scale the UN High Comissioner for Refugees is quoted as saying that three-quarters of the world’s 20 million ‘conventional’ refugees are hosted by developing countries.

The majority of families and individuals seeking refugee status and asylum in the UK have come from exceptionally horrific and difficult pasts.

They wait in temporary accomodation while a decision is made whether or not they will be permitted to remain in the country. Adamscourt was a main

centre for people coming into Wales. It is now the job of Cardiff Council and a private company called Clear Springs to provide accomodation for asylum seekers in Cardiff.

The NASS ( a branch of the Home Office) concentrate some resources on the integration of asylum seekers into society. People they describe as being able to “make a huge contribution to the enrichment of our national life.”

The role the media has to play in this integration is still being negotiated.

Representation of this sector is often undermined by a lack of direct contact between the media organisations and the individuals concerned.

On Friday October 22 a guide will be launched by the Refugee Media Group in Wales. The report has the title ‘Let’s talk to the media: a practical guide for refugee community organisations and refugee practitioners on working with the media.’

Vanessa Bucolli, from Cardiff University School of Journalism, Film and Broadcasting, produced the report based on her work with the media and asylum seekers/refugees. She sees the report as a “starting point” to work with the media, aiming to challenge hostile media stereotyping. The report looks at the importance of regional media in being a voice for communities, as well as the lack of information and difficulties that asylum seekers and refugees face when they arrive in the UK. By involving asylum seekers and refugees in the process of dealing with the media it is hoped that illinformed and stereotyped representations will be prevented. The guide looks to support and encourage asylum seekers to deal with the media, by putting them in the picture.

Interview

October 25 2004

Page 7

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

King among men EXCLUSIVE

By Will Dean Interviews Editor

O

nce branded ‘The rudest man in Britain’ by The Daily Mail, Dr David Starkey has been at the forefront of the resurrection of history programming on British television. He recently signed a £2 million ‘golden handcuffs’ deal with Channel 4, making him the highest paid presenter, per-hour, on British television.

His new series Monarchy is understandably being pushed by the channel, and is accompanied by a book of the same name. Over the next three years Starkey will cover the Kings and Queens of England, from the Roman retreat all the way to the House of Windsor.

“Michael Winner?

I think he is socially intolerable.”

Starkey on a fellow abrasive TV personality

Starkey is encouraged by the support: "Viewing audiences are never going to be as big as they were, but Channel 4 have supported this, and there seems to be a lot of interest in it. Yes, I’m hoping it will do well."

In Monarchy, Starkey has consciously covered certain periods of English

HIGH EARNER : One of Britain’s highest-paid TV presenters

history in order to help people get to grips with how and why Britain functions as it does. "I think that unless you understand the origins of a nation and its culture then you don’t understand it at all.

“We have got into this bizarre habit where medieval history doesn’t start until 1066, and I think this makes a nonsense. It doesn’t explain us, it doesn’t explain why we speak English, it doesn’t explain the boundaries of England, why places like Wales and Scotland exist.

I’ve got incredibly interested, particularly, in the pre-1066 period. It seems to me to be when we were invented: the idea, name and language of England. All of these things have survived. Indeed, until we went decimal, even the same currency had survived. What the great Victorian historians thought was very peculiar about England was the fact that it was all about progress. What I think is remarkable about England is what has remained the same, what hasn’t changed."

Speaking to Starkey is an unnerving process. Despite having studied history until the age of 18 it is difficult to be anything but floored by a bona-fide genius - a Cambridge graduate who was granted a scholarship as a precocious teenager.

What does TV’s foremost tele-don think about the teaching of history in schools? He is particularly shocked when I tell him the last time I studied the Tudor period was when I was about nine.

"I think it’s shocking, the notion that teaching the Nazis and teaching you Stalin teaches you history. They are completely alien to our own culture, thank God! What I find very strange is that you spend your time on Russia, which is just about as different from the English experience as it’s possible to be.

Also, thank God again, Stalin and Hitler are dead-ends. I think it’s totally unhealthy, an inappropriate and unhealthy fascination!

"One of the things I’m hoping that this series might actually suggest to people, along with Simon’s [Schama - fellow high-profile history presenter], is that we should actively be encouraging schools to look at the whole span of history, they shouldn’t just be doing these fragments of years. We should be getting young people to look at it continuously."

Starkey knows enough about schools to berate what is taught. For 26 years he was a Professor at the London School of Economics before his TV career took off. Starkey is also still nominally involved at Cambridge. "I’ve got what is called a bye-fellowship. What it means is I do a half-course of undergraduate lectures. What I do now is essentially research student projects."

After the enormous Monarchy project grinds to a halt in 2006, Starkey will proceed with two research projects of his own, documenting one of his favourite subjects, Henry VIII. The first,

an inventory of his possessions, the other a detailed biography. "The inventory is slowly crawling, going along at a snail’s pace. The biography I’ve been working on, off and on, all my life. I’m going to resume the formal writing of it in 2006. The biography will be published on the 500th anniversary of Henry’s accession, which I think is amazing."

I was surprised to read a quote in The Guardian, that Starkey, when asked his main motivation, replied "money".

Could a man who has devoted the majority of his career to learning and teaching such detailed subjects be doing it all just so he can afford swish cars and flash London houses? It would seem not.

"Money is one thing. Journalists on the whole, are often very stupid. Money is one of the things that drives me, but equally, if it was the only thing I’d now be a very successful investment banker.

What I’ve always believed in - this is in sharp contrast to a lot of my colleagues - I believe, that if you are a successful historian, or anything else, you should be paid properly.

“A lot of my colleagues seem to have the strange notion that teaching at a university is a lot like being a geriatric nurse: it’s a matter of vocation and you do it out of love. I always thought that was a silly tradition. I have very clear policies when I’m dealing with a commercial body like a TV channel: I screw them into the ground. I’m a very good negotiator and I get as much money out of them as possible.

“However, there are many other things that I do for free. I mean, [the

“Does the series go back to King Arthur? Well, no, because he doesn’t exist.”

David Starkey puts a naïve reporter in his place

money] enables me to help the publication of books that wouldn’t otherwise be published. It enables me to support all kinds of scholarly activities that need money pumped into them. I see myself as a bit of an academic Robin Hood."

At the height of its popularity, Starkey was a panellist on The Moral Maze, a debate show about morality.

Not unlike, say, Pop Idol, the show’s producers played on the differences between the panellists, resulting in Starkey being cast as the ‘rudest man in Britain’. Not that it harmed his earning potential.

"It turned into a sort of soap opera - it was very effective. And of course, my job was to be ‘Mr Nasty’ and I must admit it may have been a bit of typecasting. Certainly if my fangs come out they don’t go back in again quickly until I’ve drawn blood. I played up to it because it

DAVID STARKEY: “A lot of my colleagues seem to have the strange notion that teaching at a university is a lot like being a geriatric nurse” was fun. The response to that Daily Mail headline was that it worth an extra £100,000 a year and that proved to be a severe underestimate. But obviously in private life I’m not a Michael Winner, thank God, who seems to be as awful in private life as he is in public. In fact I think he’s socially intolerable."

To round up I thought I would try and reel the good professor into my own pop-culture bubble. Firstly, does the series cover the story of King Arthur?

"There was no King Arthur," quickly retorts Starkey. Oh. Didn’t see that coming.

Anyway, did Starkey catch the silly Jerry Bruckheimer re-imagining of the Arthur myth? "I didn’t see it, I read the reviews and thought it sounded pretty awful. The argument about these transplanted Russians? Totally implausible.

We have known that Arthur didn’t exist since the 16th century. Gildas the Monk’s contemporary account of the 6th century never mentions him, which is damning. Arthur is an invention of later centuries and the Arthur we all think about, The Knights of the Round Table, et cetera, is the invention of the 12th century. It comes from Geoffrey of Monmouth, an early example of what happens when a Welshmen tries to impress Englishmen, but I guess you’ll have encountered a lot of that in Cardiff." Quite.

My audience with Starkey is nothing but intriguing, and it’s fascinating to talk to a man who is so enthusiastic about his profession that you cannot help but

become interested in what he has to say.

Now, settled with his partner of the last decade, James Brown (not the singer), the Starkey who once shouted “Fuck you!” live on air at Michael Buerk and dressed down the Archdeacon of York for “his fatness, his smugness and his pomposity,” is a figure of the past.

The day after we talk, I spot Starkey making a guest appearance on Richard and Judy. Wearing his trademark leopard skin glasses, the 59-year-old

“I have very clear policies when I’m dealing with a commercial body like a TV channel: I screw them into the ground” explained to an audience of house-wives and students the significance of Alfred the Great’s role in the creation of England.

That someone from a field previously so marginal can be a star guest on one of the UK’s most mainstream television shows is testament to the ability, skill and dedication of the man.

Monarchy with David Starkey is on Mondays at 9.00pm on Channel 4.

David’s book, The Monarchy of England Volume 1, is released on the 28th October.

Taf-Od

Tud 8

25 Hydref 2004

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Pam mae yna gymaint o gasineb rhwng y Cymry a’r Saeson?

Gan Rhiannon Holley Gohebydd Taf-Od YN ÔL y Beibl, un orchymyn yw "câr dy gymydog". Pam felly mae hyn yn broblem mor fawr i’r Cymry a’r Saeson?

Mae’n amlwg fod digwyddiadau hanesyddol wedi siapio barn a theimlad ymysg y ddau genedl. Heddiw byddech yn disgwyl rhyw fath o heddwch rhyngddynt ond na, mae’r perthynas wedi cyrraedd lefel modern sef chwaraeon.

Y digwyddiad diweddar sydd wedi uwcholeuo’r perthynas rhyfedd yw’r gêm pêl droed gyntaf rhwng Lloegr a Chymru ers ugain mlynedd.

Tra bod tîm Lloegr yn medru dewis o goreuon yr uwch-gynghrair nid yw chwarae i Gymru yn apelio gymaint i’r arwyr er y ffaith nad yw Lloegr wedi ennill unrhyw pencampwriaeth ers 1966.

Gallwn casglu felly fod y Saeson yn ddig oherwydd angerdd y Cymry i fedru cystadlu yn erbyn y goreuon heb tîm o chwaraewyr rhithiol, ac fod y Cymry yn genfigenus o dewis y Saeson.

Ers i Stadiwm y Millenniwm cael ei adeiladu mae fwy o rhyngweithiad wedi bod gyda’r Saeson, oherwydd y gwahanol cystadleuthau sydd wedi symud i Gymru o Stadiwm Wembley.

Mae’r ffaith fod yr ymweliadau

wedi bod yn llwyddiannus yn ôl cefnogwyr y tîmau perthnasol, megis Lerpwl ac Arsenal yn gwneud i’r Saeson teimlo’n ddig, gan nad oedd mynd i Stadiwm Wembley ar gyfer y cystadleuthau yn ‘diwrnod mor dda’.

Pwrpas adeiladu Stadiwm y Millenniwm oedd ar gyfer Cwpan y Byd Rygbi yn 1999.

Gall hyn esbonio ychydig o’r drwgdeimlad rhwng y ddau genedl oherwydd Cymru wnaeth llwyfannu’r gystadleuaeth ac felly derbyn y clod.

Byddai hyn wedi gwylltio’r Saeson oherwydd nid yw Cymru mor fawr â Lloegr felly byddai wedi ymddangos fel sarhad.

Ar hyn o bryd mae gan Cymru un o’r meysydd chwarae gorau yn y byd ond â yw’r tîm yn ddigon da i chwarae yno?

Yn y 1970au roedd tîm rygbi Cymru ar ei brig yn ennill tri grand slam ac un triple crown yn ystod y degawd. Gyda chwaraewyr megis JPR Williams a Gareth Edwards Cymru oedd y tîm i fod yn wyliadwrus ohono.

Mae’r pwnc dadl o boblogaeth yn ailddechrau fel rheswm pam mae’r Saeson yn casau’r Cymry gan nad yw Cymru mor fawr â Lloegr felly ni fyddent yn hapus i fod yn ail gorau i’w cymdogion.

Heddiw mae’r ceiniog wedi troi ac ar hyn o bryd tîm rygbi Lloegr sydd ar y brig. Mae pencampwriaeth

Cwpan y Byd 2003 yn dangos hyn lle ennillodd Lloegr y gystadleuaeth.

Ar hyn o bryd chwaraewyr Lloegr sydd yn tynnu’r goleuni ac ar gyfer pob cystadleuaeth Chwe Gwlad dim ond gobaith ac angerdd sydd yn cadw Cymru i frwydro ar y cae chwarae.

Ydy’r dwy genedl yn gadael i genfigen amharu ar ei perthynas trwy

“ Ar hyn o bryd mae gan Cymru un o’r meysydd chwarae gorau yn y byd ond â yw’r tîm yn ddigon da i chwarae yno?” sicrhau bod ei gwlad nhw ar y brig?

Rheswm arall sydd yn rhoi tanwydd i’r tân yw’r broblem gyda iaith.

Er nad yw pob Cymro yn siarad Cymraeg bydd y Saeson weithiau yn meddwl hynny wrth iddynt clywed iaith anghyffredin yn dod o geg meddwol y Cymry yn ystod gêm rygbi.

Mae cytgân o "ogi,ogi,ogi" yn digon i ddangos nad yw cyfathrebu gyda’r Saeson yn mynd i fod yn hawdd.

I droi’r ddadl nid yw’r Cymry yn mynd i fod yn or- hapus i sgwrsio gyda’r Saeson pan maent yn cyfeirio at y gêm fel ‘rugger’. Mae’r mater fach o cyfathrebu yn medru ymddan-

Fy Wythnosau Cyntaf yng Nghaerdydd Gan Bethan Samuel Gohebydd Taf-Od AR RHAI adegau, mae’n anodd cofio fy mod i dal yn byw yng Nghymru. Roeddwn i’n gobeithio darganfod llawer o gyd-siaradwyr Cymraeg yn Nhalybont, ond yn anfodus does dim llawer ohonom yn bodoli yma. Wrth gwrs, mae hyn yn gallu bod yn ddefnyddiol; mae siarad mewn iaith does neb arall yn deall yn gallu cael canlyniadau diddorol dros ben! Ond yn amlwg, rwy’n gweld eisiau siarad yr iaith Gymraeg, a’i glywed o’m hamgylch. Ar ôl byw yng Nghwm

Gwendraeth am deunaw mlynedd, mae symud i le lle does braidd dim Cymraeg yn cael ei siarad yn tipyn bach o ‘culture shock’!

Rydw i wir yn teimlo fel person estron ar rhai adegau, er gwaetha’r ffaith fy mod i dal i fyw yng ngwlad fy hun! Rydw i wedi fy amgylchynu gan acenion Saesneg, a mae fy acen gorllewinol cryf yn destun sbort i nifer o fy ffrindiau, yn enwedig rhai o’r bechgyn o Dy 24. Mae’n mynd mor bell â rhestri cannoedd o eiriau siawns, ac yna gofyn i mi i’w hailadrodd nhw er mwyn iddo cael siawns i chwerthin ac i wneud hwyl ar fy mhen am oriau di-ri. Mae hyn yn gallu bod yn

Tyrfa Tawe 2004 Dyma luniau o trip y Gym Gym i Tyrfa Tawe yn Abertawe wythnos ddwethaf.

Chwith: Elin ar y Telyn Canol:Kentucky AFC Dde: Bob Delyn

flinedig pan mae’n digwydd am 1 o’r gloch y bore!

Rydw i wedi bod yn ceisio dysgu ambelli air Cymraeg i fy ffrindiau, ond dydw i ddim wedi cael llawer o lwyddiant hyd yn hyn. Mae geiriau fel ‘cyllell’, ‘Llanelli’ a ‘collasant’ yn achosi cryn dipyn o drafferth, ond mae nhw wedi llwyddo i ddysgu sut i ddweud ‘Bore da’ a ‘nos da’. Wel mae’n rhaid dechrau yn rhywl; y cam nesaf yw i geisio eu dysgu nhw sut i ganu’r anthem cenedlaethol, mewn pryd i’r gemau rhyngwladol ym mis Tachwedd. Dyna yw fy mhrif ‘ambition’ am y tymor yma!

gos fel problem fawr yn ôl gwahanol ystrydebau personoliaeth y Cymry a’r Saeson.

Wrth edrych yn ôl ar hanes y ddau wlad un rhwystriad oedd cyflwyniad y ‘Welsh Not’, bell yn ôl yn ystod y deunawfed ganrif.

Rhoddwyd darn o bren gyda’r llythrennau ‘W N’ arno i unrhyw blentyn fu’n cael ei dal yn siarad Cymraeg yn yr ysgol.

Pwy bynnag oedd yn digon anffodus i beni gyda’r Welsh Not ar diwedd y dydd oedd yn dioddef cosb.

Gwelwn hyn yn digwyddiad penodol gan fod y Saeson wedi ymgeisio i ddinistrio’r iaith Gymraeg fel ffrwydriad. Nid oedd y Saeson yn gweld y Cymry fel cenedl unigryw ond fel ased ar gyfer ei gwlad drws nesaf.

Roedd hyn felly yn digwyddiad nodweddiadol gan fod y teimlad o genedl arall yn ymgeisio i ddinistrio rhan o’ch diwylliant fel rhywun yn torri eich coes i ffwrdd.

Yn bresennol mae’r ffaith nad oes gan Cynulliad Cenedlaethol Cymru hollol pwêr i wneud pernderfyniadau ar gyfer Cymru yn uwcholeuo’r grym sydd gan y Saeson dros y wlad wrth ystyried y teulu Brenhinol a’r senedd.

Mae gan Lloegr y brif senedd sydd yn medru gwneud holl penderfyniadau dros Cymru. Mae hyn yn pwysleisio i’r Cymry fod gan ei cymdogion pwêr drostynt, ac felly

gwneud i’r bobl a’r wlad teimlo’n fach..

Nid yw’r Saeson yn barod i adael i gwlad sy’n llai na nhw i ennill pwêr cyflawn ac felly mae’r ffaith ei bod nhw gyda Cymru ar darn o linyn yn gadael blas amhleserus yn ngheg y Cymry.

Mae’n amlwg wrth dod i’r casgliad fod y teimlad yn cilyddol rhwng y ddau genedl ar y mater.

Gall y ddadl fynd ymlaen am oes, ond ar diwedd y dydd mae’n rhaid sylweddoli fod y rhesymau yn mynd yn ôl canrifoedd ac felly mae’r ateb yn anodd i ddarganfod gyda holl digwyddiadau’r gorffennol.

Ydy’r amser wedi dod felly i adael i cwn sy’n cysgu gorffwys?

Gallwn anghofio yr holl hanes sydd wedi digwydd rhwng y ddwy genedl?

Yr unig ateb yw i aros tan mis Chwefror lle bydd Cymru a Lloegr yn brwydro ar y cae rygbi yn y gystadleuaeth Chwe Gwlad.

Byddwn yn gweld os yw tim Lloegr yn medru cadw ei safle fel y tîm gorau yn y byd neu a yw Cymru yn medru rhwystro’r dathliad? A gawn ni’r Cymry y siawns i dorri calonnau’r Saeson fel Scott Gibbs ym 1999?

Ond yn fwy bwysig byth, byddwn yn medru gweld pam mae’r Cymry yn casau’r Saeson a’r Saeson yn casau’r Cymry?

Dysgu Cymraeg Gyda Taf-Od Learn Welsh with Taf-Od

Brawddeg yr Wythnos: Sentence of The Week:

“Ble mae’r tafan agosaf?”

“Where’s the nearest pub?”

October 25 2004

Political Opinion

Page 9

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Andrew Mickel examines the outcomes of the Australian election

T

his year’s Australian election saw John Howard’s Conservative Party secure a fourth term in office. Not only did they achieve a comprehensive victory but they also managed to pull further ahead of the opposition.

For the past two years public opinion has suggested that the electorate would punish the government for entering into an unpopular war in Iraq once the ballot boxes were broken out.

So what lessons can Washington and London draw from this incredible electoral turn-around? How did John Howard achieve such a stunning win?

Like most countries, despite continued press coverage and opinion polls, come polling day the Iraq war was seemingly of limited relevance to the Australian electorate. There are instead three principle factors for the win.

“Principle opposition parties have failed to pin the issue of Iraq” Firstly, the economy is incredibly robust. Most importantly, interest rates have been kept low, and this plays out well in the endless suburbs of Sydney and Melbourne - home to the middle-class swing voters, the socalled ‘Howard’s Battlers’. Steve Boothroyd is one such Sydneysider: “Neither party really had much for-

eign policy to put forward. The main thrust from both camps was domestic interest rates, education, health and national security.”

The British public has been largely content with strong economic management. Meanwhile, in America, although the economic indicators are more contentious, their economy continues to enjoy a growth that Europe can only dream of. Both incumbent administrations can and do use this as a strong bedrock for campaigning.

Secondly, there was no alternative.

Howard has been in power for almost nine years and his opponent Mark Latham, as well as being new to the game, is perceived as erratic and untrustworthy. Like in America, the newcomer was often unable to push public opinion beyond the scare tactics and targeted character assassinations by the incumbent.

Thirdly, there was no clear reason in the minds of the Australian electorate to throw the government out.

All of the American, British and Australian principle opposition parties have failed to pin the issue of Iraq to their respective governments. This is the only current issue (other than the economy) that raises enough widespread passion to do real political damage on its own. Only in Spain, where the Madrid bombings pushed a previously hostile electorate into voting for the opposition, has the Iraq war motivated real political change.

So does this necessarily translate into similar electoral success in the UK and the USA? ‘Anglophonic politics’ in Australia, the UK and USA has developed into a more discernable strand following the so-called war on

JOHN HOWARD: His attention is needed on the home front terror, and this allows for parallels to be drawn across these geographically distant lands. They are all conservative countries who tend to have more

“The war on terror has served to unite all three countries in a willingness to interfere” in common economically, politically and socially than we do with our own

Like a Bush over troubled water

By David Jarmain

A

s many of you are no doubt aware, the US elections are only weeks away.

Campaigning has been fierce and all three national televised debates have been concluded.

But who came out on top, and whoever did, will it really make much difference to the way US citizens vote on November 2?

According to polls taken after the third and final debate, held on October 13 in Arizona, fifty-three per cent of those questioned considered John Kerry to be the winner, compared with only thirty-nine per cent feeling the same way about the incumbent. Sixty per cent also felt that Kerry expressed himself more clearly. So, is it good news for the Massachusetts senator?

Quite possibly. Though a televised debate may not sound like something that could have a dramatic affect on who sits in the White House, it has been known to throw elections in the past, especially in closely contested races.

In 2000, Bush out-performed Al Gore giving him a much needed boost in support. John F. Kennedy also surged ahead of Richard Nixon due to a strong debate performance.

Kennedy appeared young and charismatic whilst Nixon literally sweated under the pressure.

Kerry has also benefited this year with a surprising rise in the polls after his first debate on an issue that Bush should have won: national security.

Again, Kerry was calm, collected and concise, whilst Bush was nervous and appeared irritated when his decisions as president were questioned.

The live television debates have not been the beginning of Bush’s slide in the polls either. He has been losing public support significantly since September 11 2001.

Two weeks after the terrorist attacks, his popularity stood at an astonishing ninety per cent. This fell to seventy-one per cent in 2002, dropped to sixty per cent in 2003 and has since then gradually decreased to its current level of a mere forty-eight per cent.

The president is indeed in trouble.

All successful incumbents since 1950

have had approval ratings of above fifty-four per cent at election time.

Furthermore, the only other president in history to be the son of a former president, John Quincy Adams, only held one term in office.

Senator Kerry is in a much stronger position now than he has ever been. This is something that has occurred throughout his political career.

He has frequently trailed behind and then emerged leading as his popularity escalates at the last minute, both in his election to the Senate and again more recently in his successful bid to become the Democrat candidate. In the early stages of the selection process many considered him to be a lost cause.

Still, despite heavy campaigning and Kerry’s two-aircraft and twentyfour-vehicle motorcade, the deciding factor will be voter turnout. Bush has a strong interest in people not voting, whereas Kerry needs as many of the seven million swing voters to appear at polling stations on November 2 if he is to become the next president of the United States.

neighbouring countries. The war on terror has served to unite all three countries in a willingness to interfere in other countries’ affairs at the expense of their own regional status.

However, this seems to be a temporary phenomenon. In the long term, the USA is overstretched in its overseas commitments; the UK has to face ‘The European Question’; Australia has to acknowledge both its commitments to the Asia-Pacific region as well as its current dependence on Chinese consumption of their primary resources.

Whilst for now all three countries are comparable as an Anglophonic force by their interests and electoral similarities, before too long they will have to re-focus on the problems facing them in their own backyard.

In the news...

By Daniel Stanton

T

he Government has revealed proposals that would mean a complete overhaul of the British secondary education system.

A report headed by Mike Tomlinson, former Chief Inspector of schools, has made new recommendations that would mean the end of most current examinations, including AS Levels and GCSEs. Instead, the report would see the current method being replaced by a diploma system.

Children at the age of eleven would be grouped into one of three streams: specialised academic, specialised vocational or a mixture of the two. The Government has faced criticism in recent years over changes to exams, in particular the introduction of AS-Levels during Year 12.

The changes come in response to claims by employers that too many school-leavers starting work are failing to meet basic literacy and numeracy standards. The new vocational courses are expected to draw heavily on input from businesses in order to make them relevant to employers.

Under the new proposals, coursework would be abolished and there would be fewer exams, with assessment being largely based on teachers’ reports of class activities.

Universities, who would find it easier to choose between leading candidates, have welcomed the report. However, teachers’ unions have expressed concern that the increased amount of internal assessment will lead to a greater workload for teaching staff.

If the changes are approved, they will be introduced over the next ten years. It is worth noting though that the changes would not affect schools in Wales where a Baccalaureate Scheme is already used.

Andrew Rennison questions US motives in troop re-deployment

S

enior government officials are continuing to reassure members of Parliament and the public alike over the re-deployment of British troops in Iraq.

The appeal for back-up by the American military to cover for US troops south of Baghdad has been a contentious issue. It has provoked claims that the Bush administration is using the request for its own pre-election political gain.

Some believe that by involving UK forces more visibly in US operations, the American government is hoping to quell the current criticism of their international relations. The US government has been accused of wanting to alleviate some of the burden and risk from US soldiers in order to reduce casualties during the crucial last weeks of campaigning.

Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon, speaking in the Commons earlier this month, addressed this sentiment directly. He said, "We want to make clear that the request is a military request […] it is not linked to the US elections."

Mr Hoon’s comments reflect just how strongly it has angered many anti-war Labour and opposition MPs.

It seems naïve to think that the US operations against Falluja and other rebel-controlled regions have not been strategically timed by the Bush administration.

Many areas in the volatile Sunni triangle north-west of Baghdad have been without secure law and order for many months, yet the Americans have decided that now is the time to act weeks before a US election that is too close to call. Cynicism, in this case, may be well justified.

Bringing UK troops into a more visible role, aside from the military benefit, has the undoubted side effect of softening one line of Kerry’s attack.

However, success in these operations to restore order before Iraqi elections is by no means certain. And even with UK involvement any failures or high casualty rates among American forces could severely damage the last days of George Bush’s reelection campaign.

Regardless, the current chaos in Falluja is the responsibility of the US, yet Britain is being asked to spare forces that are already overstretched.

We can be forgiven for feeling an uncomfortable sense of injustice.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 10

October 25 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd

A different kind of plastered

FREE WORDS You’re not a-loan STUDENTS TAKING part in wet Tshirt competitions in Aberystwyth to get enough money to cover their missing loans may make for great pictures and an amusing story but doesn’t show the true picture.

This picture is one of students panicking that they may be thrown off their courses through no fault of their own.

With the deadline to pay fees looming large, Cardiff students were justifiably worried about being able to prove their non-fee paying status without a letter from their LEA – a letter that should have arrived by now.

The university has shown a good deal of common sense by extending temporary enrolment to those affected and such measures will undoubtedly ease the strain on anxious students.

But, like the students on the other side of the fence, the position was one the university were forced into by circumstances outside their control.

So, yet again, the blame comes back to the Student Loan Company.

Their inability to process loans quickly enough has become such an annual fixture in the press that journalists can now write the event in their diaries along with other regular education events such as GSCE and A-Level results.

Granted, students that submit their forms late will have to wait – and both they and the company know this.

But the SLC appears to be non-discriminatory insofar as, regardless on when you submit your form or where your LEA is, there is still no guarantee the loan or letter will arrive in time.

And for students to have to wait until a month into their course with still no sign of any confirmation of their requirement, or not, to pay fees is nothing short of disgraceful.

University life and money worries can be stressful enough without having to wonder if you’ll actually be able to complete your course on the basis of a non-university body. gair rhydd fully supports the motion put through Student Council to NUS Wales – maybe working as a national body we can ensure that next year’s students don’t have to face the same problems.

A drink too far ANOTHER BAR has stopped promoting all-you-can-drink offers due to concerns about binge drinking.

But surely if they were interested in promoting responsible drinking they would never have put the promotion on in the first place.

Meanwhile other bars and clubs in town continue to flout the new police guidelines while claiming to be persuing this responsible policy.

Nobody wants to be paying over the odds for a pint, but the cynicism of some companies is breathtaking.

By Charissa Coulthard

J

ust about everyone living in a crumbly student house would have experienced a shortlist of problems at one point or another. Whether it be the rent, the landlord or just the property itself, it’s inevitable that we’ll find ourselves (as we fumble with our pensions and wonder when exactly our problems shifted to the adult variety) stressing about the place we’re living in.

First off, I know student houses aren’t exactly meant for the life of luxury. All we really need is somewhere we can fall home to in the early hours of the morning; somewhere with basic appliances, an area for any vague cooking and a place where we can feel comfortable to form our little microcosms of student life.

This doesn’t mean, however, that landlords can completely take the piss. Raking in at least a grand a month, I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt them to actually make the effort to sort out any problems we might have. Being

students might make us less fussy about the way we live, but it certainly doesn’t make us less eligible for a lifestyle that’s much lower than the amount we’re paying for it.

After moving into our place and being presented with an updated inventory (identical to the previous – only without the microwave), our apparently perfect house gradually revealed a shortlist of flaws – most of which our landlord attempted to worm his way out of.

After insisting the cracked windows didn’t need to be fixed because they had ‘always been like that’, he claimed they were not a security hazard because he’d ‘tried to break into

“there may be slugs and leering builders next door... but it’s going to be homely”

the house’ himself.

When we’d finally got over the image of our upper-class landlord attempting to wrestle into his own property, he proceeded to reassure us that the problem in the downstairs bedroom wasn’t damp – it was ‘only woodworm.’

Whether the response to these problems would be similar if we weren’t young, naïve students isn’t hard to predict. It’s probably fair to say that the majority of landlords don’t give nearly as much attention to such issues as they should, and even when they do take action – as is particularly the case with our landlord, anyway – it involves simply painting or plastering over the problem.

Something’s wrong with the house?

The wall’s fallen in again? No problem – he’ll just pop round with his Pritt Stick and paintbrush and it’ll be sorted in a month or two.

Alternatively, he’ll turn up unexpectedly, disappear into the junkyard of a garden and claim to ‘fix’ (plaster/paper mache) the few things that weren’t broken in the first place.

As mad as it seems, however, having a house full of problems still proves to be so much better than halls.

There may be slugs, leering builders next door and a welcoming upturned Miss Millies garlic dip smeared up the

front path, but it’s always going to be more homely.

We don’t shower in brown water, the vacuum cleaner doesn’t project a smell of vomit every time it’s used

(or know how to use) a ruler. Tyres so oversized that previously dignified wheels now look like those of a tractor. And a subwoofer in the boot so large that the rude boy is able to play his shockingly shite music at a volume that can be heard on Neptune.

Buy a ’99 1.8 Golf for four grand, you flaming retards.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a rude boy? It’s one of the surest ways to evoke fury from within. If you keep count, I reckon the average number of letters per word for a rude boy is three and a half – largely on account of all the grunts and ‘y’know’s.

They actively dislike knowledge: ask a rude boy, ‘What’s the capital of Spain’ and he’ll proudly reply, ‘I don’t know that shit!’ Remove the ‘that’ from such a sentence and you sum up a rude boy’s intellectual capacity.

And why is it that in clubs, even

when they’re listening to the piss-poor music they enjoy, rude boys still succeed in being imbeciles. Their interpretation of the word ‘dance’ equates to bobbing your head whilst swaying slightly, much like a pigeon.

And in the midst of a crowded, sweaty dance floor, rude boys will still insist on wearing their parkas – attire that makes them look like a cross between a tramp and an Eskimo.

I’ve hardly scratched the surface, but it’s certainly refreshing to vent.

People, you must do all you can to oust the rude boy from society. Until, of course, I become President of the world, at which point I’m sending them all to the moon.

“I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt them to actually make the effort to sort out any problems” (the result of someone hoovering up sick), and I’m no longer responsible for fixing a shelf that routinely fell down twice a week.

Although landlords’ attempts at DIY are much worse than anything I could do (think the ‘Women – don’t expect any help on a Thursday’ ad), it’s worth remembering that the upkeep of the house is still their responsibility. The tricky part, it seems, is just getting them to listen.

Andrew Rennison’s

ROOM 101

I

f bitching was a career I’d be a millionaire, so squashing down all my annoyance into a tightly focused beam directed towards one single subject is both a) difficult and b) dangerous. But who knows, if all goes well I may end up appropriating this column as my own. Cue evil laugh: bwa ha haa.

Okay, let’s see. Bush? Too easy. Big Brother? Easier still. Heat magazine?

Too narrow. The way my alarm clock sounds like the warning siren for a nuclear strike? Too personal. Ah, I’ve got it.

Rude boys. I hate rude boys.

Now I realise that the word ‘boy’ when used in conjunction with the word ‘rude’ may not mean all that much to anyone who isn’t from the South-East. Allow me to elaborate. A rude boy is a chav, a townie, a Novadriving, tilted-back-cap-wearing,

grunts-instead-of-English-speaking moron.

I thought I was leaving such people behind when I came to Cardiff, but numerous rude boy sightings in my first fresher weeks have reignited the flame of hate within me. I despise rude boys, and here are reasons why.

First off, when it comes to automobiles, these people have all the sense of a fish that has undergone a lobotomy.

They shell out £500-1000 on the lowliest, slowest, most irreversibly ugly car they can find. Then they spend time and money trying to spruce it up! After maybe four thousand pounds in total expenditure, they produce, with a few rare exceptions, vehicles that should be condemned to eternal hell.

You know the cars I’m talking about. Bumpers that scrape along the road because the owner doesn’t own

Children being raped in Darfur, millions dying every day. Use

ROOM 101

to moan about how cold your shower is. Spoilt whining brats.

Letters

October 25 2004

Page 13

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page Again, a super smashing great effort from everyone this week. Letters Page is beginning to look just as informed and educated as the Editorial and Opinion Pages. It’s lovely to see the page filled with so much knowledge and intelligence.

Perri

Not just a One Trick Pony?

Dear gair rhydd, Mathew Collinson's diatribe on the Iraq war in last week's gr was nothing short of immensely flawed. On the legality of the war, Mr. Collinson claims firstly that, "resorting to war is only legal when you have been physically attacked first". This is not strictly true, as pre-emptive strikes are actually allowed in international law if imminent threat can be demonstarted.

One such strike in 1980 by Israel against Iraqi nuclear reactors used for the production of weapons-grade plutionium was roundly condemned by the UN, yet the majority of the world was grateful by the start of the Gulf War in 1990. Mr. Collinson then moves on to discuss the intelligence leading up to the war. Whilst, it may not have been entirely accurate, the willingness of human sources to tell intelligence types what they want to hear, for the wish to have President Hussein removed or for financial gain (read Our Man In Havana), combined with the desire to beleive that Iraq was stockpiling banned weapons facilitates greatly the incorrect analysis of gathered information (see also the letter on the right).

On the matter of the number of war-related fatalities, I quote Mel Gibson's Braveheart when I say, "Every man dies. Not every man really lives". I can assure you that, were this country living under the rule of as despicable a tyrant as Saddam Hussein I would welcome foreign liberators with open arms, even if it meant a high number of casualties much as did France in the 1940s. The

text

effects of the war have ultimately been positive on average, with Iraq about to become the Middle East's second democracy, thus hopefully leading the region into something vaguely resembling stability in the very near future.

Geordie Chris.

More war Dear gair rhydd, I write in response to the editorials in your last issue, firstly by Matthew Collinson and secondly, and less significantly, by Carrie Farwell. Let us consider the situation in Iraq in a rational manner. Firstly I think that its probable that both the Blair and Bush Administrations overestimated and misrepresented the validity of the assessments made by the Security Services, as opposed to outright lied, and this was done to justify the war.

Or, more importantly, to convince people that war is necessary on security grounds. Many people, including the two aforementioned, have a problem with that, and in a sense they have a point; a Government must be held accountable and this can be done by the ballot box.

However, does that make the invasion of Iraq wrong? I think the answer must be a resounding no. Granted much should have been done differently, but the war was a just war.

Why? Well its simple really, the rationale behind this train of thought was dug up in Northern Iraq recently.

It was, of course, a mass grave of several hundred Kurdish men, women and children, all civilians and all innocent. Their only crime was being Kurds, the same crime Jews were

07791165837

found guilty of by Nazi Germany.

Such crime can not go unpunished.

Saddam will have his time in court, he’ll be tried fairly and then hung. For there can be no doubt whatsoever that Saddam and his regime have perpetrated some of the most heinous crimes against humanity in modern history. Now he is essentially on borrowed time, his regime is gone and from the ashes of it the Iraqi people have a real chance for freedom and democracy. Of course they still have a long and bloody road to travel until they reached that most noble goal of democratic governance, and we must help them to it, but no matter how much blood is split on that road to freedom, it pales in comparison to the blood Saddam and his regime have on their hands.

Think of the message this sends to the world. Finally some nations are willing to do the right thing for the right reasons and act in a truly unselfish manner, to liberate an oppressed people and give them the chance of freedom. This is a message that every tyrant must take heed of: if you perpetrate crimes against humanity then you will suffer the consequences.

Perhaps the ultimate irony of this war is that Bush and Blair had to concentrate on emphasising the strategic threat Iraq posed over the brutal and sickening nature of the dictatorship.

This was surely done to convince those that now whine of the injustices of the war and think the impotent UN should sort out all the world’s woes.

Those that think we should only go to war when we’re directly threatened. I can think of nothing so repellent. To anyone who stills thinks that Iraq would have been better off with Saddam in power then I suggest they look at the film showing the excava-

if ignorance is bliss, andrew caldicott must have a smile off his face

what this twat describes. i bet andrew has never left the village before. throw him out of uni

sern is an asexual being. love kate and sarah

for sale: one micropenis, hardly used, offers around £1. ginger dave

i am the solus bluejacker toothy mc.blue

our house has a ginger and a badger. fact. therefore u love our house

while music is not visual, writing about it is. can music please learn to use apostrophes correctly? i’ve been to subsaharan africa and saw nothing of

kindly extinguish your stick! lemar..so fresh..so CRUSTING FUCKING ANUS! we hate lemar! natalie - you genius x

Mark, Third Year History.

Dog n bone syndrome

a new phone because I didn’t really need one.

The author of said article implies she has no social life without her phone. Does she not like the people she lives with? Is she the only person on her course? If that’s the case then fair enough, maybe she is phone dependent, but to the rest of us a phone is a luxury, not a necessity.

Matt, 2nd Year Physics.

Dear gair rhydd, Having just read the article about becoming a nation dependant on mobile phones, I believe this is complete and utter crap! Ok, having a phone makes life easier, giving you somewhere to store notes, make appointments, and most importantly communicate with friends. I myself have a contract phone and on a monthly basis have to fork out excessive amounts of money for last months excessive usage (especially if you spent most of the time texting some bird you met while wasted down the Union, hoping for textual intercourse if you pester her with enough messages).

However, I have been without my mobile on two occasions. The first time some pikey nicked it from the changing rooms, and the second time it just died. Both occasions I expected my life to grind to a halt due to the "no phone syndrome", but in both cases I found that life just carried on as normal. Having no phone didn’t mean I was a social outcast, it just meant using the internet or, god forbid, a traditional landline. These became my main ways of communication. In both instances I went for weeks without making an effort to get

prizes Each week, the writer of letter of the week will receive a pair of tickets to a film of their choice at Ster Century Cinemas. The only catch is you must come and collect them from the office.

Please email your letters to:

grletters@cf.ac.uk PLEASE SEND THEM AS WORD DOCUMENT (.DOC) EMAIL ATTACHMENTS. We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

The views expressed in these letters are not necessarily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

letter of the week Despite previous letters, it is our duty to help Dear gair rhydd,

any girls willing to bear my seed?

tion of the mass grave recently. Those pictures brought a tear to my eye and bile to my throat. If anyone can even suggest that the war was unjustified then they’re little better than the regime itself.

Andrew Caldicott objects to the increase in foreign aid that our government has pledged to help African nations out of poverty. He argues that we in Britain need the money to support our flailing health and education systems. In my opinion we don't need more money.

Instead of this short-termist attitude of just throwing more cash at problems, how about spending the money currently available more wisely? Cut down on government bureaucracy and red tape for a start; anyone who has ever worked for a government agency will be familiar with the waste of resources throughout the system. How about fewer middle managers in the NHS enabling recruitment of more doctors and nurses?

I also believe that we do have an obligation to poorer nations. The fact that British wealth can be traced back to slavery and exploita-

tion of the continent in question is relevant but is not the reason we should help. It is simply that no nation exists in a bubble; we are all interdependent politically and economically, so what happens in one country inevitably affects others.

Just look at how oil prices shot up as war threatened Nigeria a few weeks ago. Problems such as HIV/AIDS, global warming and (sorry, but it has to be said..) even terrorism are not going to disappear by washing our hands and abdicating responsibility. They can only be solved through working with foreign governments to achieve what is in all of our best interests.

So it is therefore in our own self interest to spend money helping other countries.

It is also misleading to make the sweeping and damaging assumption that African nations ("Zimbabwe *and* Rhodesia"??) are 'inefficient, corrupt and violent'. To look at just one example, the government of Mozambique, one of the worlds poorest nations has reduced the number of citizens living in absolute poverty from 70% in 1997 to 55% in 2004. But this could not have happened without foreign aid as the burden of debt imposed by

the West would otherwise prevent the government from implementing lasting improvements. The subsaharan countries were mentioned in the article as 'incapable of running themselves'. Well consider that even though they receive $55 billion in aid, $91 billion is paid out to Western banks for loan repayments each year.

I for one do not think that Labour is misguided in earmarking more of our money for Africa, because we are in a favourable world position, we have a duty to poorer countries and by default, ourselves, to try and solve the global problem of poverty. Secondly, despite common perception, we CAN afford it. It is sad that the mentality of isolationism still exists because in this day and age it is more important than ever to think globally. The world is facing so many problems and the only way we can begin to address this is to set aside our differences, understand that we are all responsible for each other to some degree, and then try to work together for a fairer and safer future for all.

Patricia Xavier, Yr 4 Civil Engineering

Jobs & Money

Page 14

October 25 2004

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

Money for Nothing...

By Alexandra Fry and Charlotte Styles Jobs and Money correspondants

T

he labyrinthine nature of a woman’s handbag has always been a mystery to men and now it appears women are just as in the dark about the contents of their most important possession.

Although this may come as a surprise, the average woman’s handbag is worth £577, which makes a collective British total of £14 billion. It is the one-thing women never leave home without, containing countless receipts to tissues and of course make-up.

A survey of 1,700 women found that most had a handbag priced £30, a purse worth £15, containing £50 cash and cards, a £199 mobile phone, £50 sunglasses, £8 hairbrush, £40 of perfume.

House and car keys would cost £100 to replace and a diary or organiser worth £50 could be financially as well as socially costly to lose. However, women singled out make-up as their most valuable item, with one in four carrying up to fifty quids worth.

This hefty sum may bring pound signs to the eyes of any pickpocket so are women taking enough care of this little gold mine they seem to be carrying on their shoulder?

Apparently not as 70% admitted their bags were not insured and a further 17% being unsure of whether their valuable possessions were covered.

So with constant moaning from students about lack of money is there any difference between the cost of the average British woman’s bag and the average Cardiff student’s? We asked some typical students to empty the contents of what often seem like

Monica Cherry – Architecture T.A. "I don’t have insurance on the contents of my bag but I don’t carry anything too valuable around with me.

My credit cards would be free to cancel and replace and I rent so the housing agent would have a spare set."

HANDY WORK: How much do you carr y in your handbag? bottomless bags (particularly after a night in the Taf) and work out just how much they carry around to survive the day.

The average cost of the actual bag in one student household was found to be a staggering £486, despite contents varying from furry, old lollipop sticks to face cream to three week old bus tickets. Most of the cost of the bag was concentrated in items such as mobile phones and make up.

Just like the average British woman, Cardiff ’s female student body cannot do without what would be a thief ’s dream if left unattended in the library. Or even at the Taf on a Saturday night as most students

admitted that the contents of their handbag do not vary greatly from day to night. If anything the cost of the contents increases, as those little black bags are crammed with cameras to capture the night, ranging from £300 digital cameras to £4 Tesco value disposables.

All in all, these items can cost hundreds of pounds to replace. Yet women do not seem to be taking the necessary precaution of protecting their most valued belongings. The women we asked admitted that they were unsure if their home insurance covered handbag possessions. Whilst a good insurance plan cannot replace items of sentiment it can prevent you forking out hundreds of pounds for

those everyday essentials.

The insurance company Endsleigh, situated on the ground floor of the Student’s Union, provides a student possessions insurance policy that includes items which may be taken out of the home.

As long as the items are listed on the policy, capital for the lost/stolen handbag is redeemable.

So, if you do happen to own that £30 Revlon blusher or £150 Gucci bag you can insure it or, at the most, never let it out of your sight.

We cornered these three ladies on campus and got them to think about the contents of their handbags:

THE JOB Postcards from the Real World s Cardiff with a 2.2 from the Busines My name is David, I graduated from FILE... e anything lined up, like most of “The rung of the ladder was never meant to be rest upon, but only to enable you to put the other somewhat higher.”

T .H. Huxley

Wish you were here?

David Jones

"Like the women in the study I would say I have up to £50 worth of make up in my bag although my phone would be the item that would cost the most to replace."

d

yd

h

r

i ga

r

didn’t hav School in 2002. When I graduated, I ly disappear, and up or the loan debt will just magical you. I thought something would turn p up minimum paySo after doing various temping to kee Barclays forget about that overdraft. degree. I was finding still hadn’t done anything with my ments and the partying allowance, I business. I had to ght, so I looked in to opening my own graduate schemes an unbearable thou things I did during bined my two loves and the only two do something which I enjoyed so I com iness background, a music café. As a graduate with a bus university, music and beer, and opened days a week, with we employ two people and are open six the banks where very helpful, and now love what I do, espeIt’s been really hard work but I really live bands and cheap beer everyday. cially being my own boss!

Sian Williams – 2nd Yr Journalism student

Natalie Martin – 1st Yr Anatomy and Physiology student "My phone is probably the most expensive item I carry in my bag. If I take my camera on a night out it is insured but I don’t carry too much around with me anyway."

Jobs & Money

October 25 2004

Page 15

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

The Future’s Bright, the Future’s Postgrad...

By Carly O’Donnell Jobs and Money editor

D

o you remember the first time you considered going to university? Was there a distinct point where a light bulb appeared above your head and everything became clear? For me, and I suspect many students, choosing to go to university was not a moment of revelation but something that had been lurking since day one. The progression to higher education has become as common as GCSE to ‘A’ level and this has led many to speculate over the value of a degree.

To meet someone who sat their ‘A’ levels and didn’t go to university has become quite a rarity and something most of us student bums find quite puzzling.

Why would you possibly want to commit yourself to a job at the tender age of eighteen when you could spend another three years faffing about under the security net of ‘higher education’?

Yet while we have indulged ourselves in non-stop drinking, sleeping and daytime TV will we emerge from studentsville any better off?

University has traditionally been considered the route to a secure, wellpaid job, but this may not be the reality for today’s graduates. University numbers are swelling and the odds of landing that dream job can seem as optimistic as the success of Britney Spears’ marriage.

A brief glance at the top 100 graduate employers in the UK reveals that your degree, in most cases, is merely a prerequisite to an application. Top employers have turned to ‘A’ levels, work experience and even psychoanalytical tests in the search for the perfect candidate: "While for some areas of our Graduate Programme i.e. merchandising, we require our graduates to have a degree in a specific subject and a specific grade, for all areas, the degree, work experience and extra activities have equal importance".

Graduate recruiter for Marks and Spencer.

However if you haven’t had shedloads of work experience, been captain of the football team or are particularly adept at IQ tests don’t despair.

While everyone has been focusing on the importance of gaining a degree some sneaky buggers have picked up on the fact that a postgraduate is likely to jump the queue to employers.

NUS figures show 470,000 students were studying for a postgrad in 2003 and the numbers have gone up and up each year. With graduates becoming as so common could the postgraduate be the new degree?

In Cardiff alone there are over 4000 postgraduate students, which compromise twenty percent of the student body and further study is highly regarded by employers. It can provide the vocational training that degrees often lack and many careers such as law and accountancy actually require.

There are two main options for students wishing to pursue further education. Research or taught postgrads.

Research postgrads are usually undertaken with a view to an academic or research career while taught postgrads tend to be more interactive and vocational. Both will give you a far more detailed knowledge of your area of study than an undergraduate degree, therefore making you more appealing to an employer.

So further education would seem like the natural choice for the unwitting student with no idea where to look for a job right? Maybe not, Postgraduate study does have a major drawback (you knew it was coming didn’t you?). It’s expensive. Really expensive. You can expect to pay anything from £1000 upwards. Some cost as much as £12,000 or £13,000 for one year.

There are grants and bursaries available but be warned the competition is fierce and it’s going to take an exceptional student to get an amount that will cover the cost of further study.

There’s also the issue of student loans, as in you don’t actually get one.

Bugger.

If you can justify the cost of postgraduate study or have family who can help, it can make you stand out from the crowd. Postgrads are a lot of work and you can defiantly kiss goodbye the 10 hour weeks. If you choose to carry on your study take your time to carefully select the right course.

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Swydd/Job:

Kitchen Porters

Swydd/Job:

Travel Staff

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5 to £10 per hour Varied Ongoing Duties will involve some preparation of food, dishwashing and kitchen preparation. Criminal Record Bureau check required, agency will also organise food and hygiene test.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff Area £6 -£12 per hour Varied Ongoing A call centre requires staff to take holiday bookings from the internet, you require a good telephone manner and knowledge of European countries.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

019

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

022

Swydd/Job:

Domestic Assistants

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5 to £10 per hour 4 hour shifts Ongoing Duties will involve working in care homes, you must be hard working, able to work 4 hour shifts, Criminal Record Bureau check required, agency will organise this.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

020

Cook/Waiting staff/Receptionist/House keeper Cardiff Ardal/Area: £4.85 per hour Tal/Wage: 7am until 1pm Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: A family run bed and breakfast requires people for various duties including cooking breakfast, waiting, housekeeping, reception work. You must have a mature outlook, be flexible,and reliable and have good communication skills.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

021

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

EUREKA: When did you first realise uni was the way forward?

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff

If you have a werid or wonderful way of saving money email us at grjobs@cf.ac.uk. We wont give you anything but you might get the warm, fuzzy glow of knowing you’ve helped a fellow student.

■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 07973 571141 for more information.

Media

October 25 2004

Page 17

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Xpress is a-live on FM

With Xpress Radio preparing to begin broadcasting to the masses, gair rhydd presents a guide to the history of the station and an idea of what you can expect to hear over the airwaves during the next fortnight.

By Laura Wootton and Heather Casey Media Correspondents

I

f I asked you to name a student medium that had won various accolades from national organisations, been acknowledged by BBC Radio 1, and whose award ceremony drew in judges from MTV, would your first guess be Xpress Radio?

If it wasn’t, then get up to speed because this year Xpress Radio are back, armed with glowsticks and better than ever.

Run by 16 teams of dedicated students, Xpress Radio is Cardiff ’s only radio station run by students, for students. A great tool to communicate throughout Cathays, Roath and the Heath, Xpress Radio is an example of how an alternative frequency can tune you into the issues and information that matter to students today.

While the roots of gair rhydd can be traced back to 1885, Xpress Radio remains one of the only good things to come out of the 1990s.

Around thirty years ago, the Student Radio Association (SRA) set up two stations in Essex and York, pioneering the way for student radio.

Today, Xpress Radio is one of the 80 stations recognised nationwide, the majority of which broadcast using a Restricted Service Licence. This allows Xpress Radio to broadcast for a maximum of fifty-six days a year across a ten-mile radius on the

107.2FM frequency.

Xpress Radio first launched in Cardiff in 1994 as a student radio society, growing in 1996 to Xpress FM. The station soon became one of the fastest growing student radio stations in the UK, and today competes alongside four other student stations in Wales: Llandrillo college (Net 386), Bangor (Storm), Yale college (YWCK) and Swansea (Xtreme 1451).

“From the 29 October Xpress Radio broadcast’s live on 107.2” In 1998, Xpress Radio expanded into the professional offices, technical room and studios we use today on the fourth floor of Cardiff Students’ Union.

More recently, Xpress Radio continued to expand, streaming live on www.xpressradio.co.uk, and increasing its reach across the globe.

The long awaited re-launch of the website this year has been described as "the biggest thing to happen to Xpress Radio in the last eighteen months" by station manager Tom Wellingham.

In recent years, awards have poured in for Xpress Radio. Every year, the Student Radio Association (SRA), with BBC Radio One, recognise the

achievements of student broadcasting.

Since 2000, Xpress Radio has been nominated regularly in categories from best presenter to technical innovation.

In 2002 Xpress Radio broke the SRA’s ceremonies record, being nominated for ten awards in one year. Next month sees the announcement of 2004’s shortlist.

Xpress Radio’s stature is also exemplified through the growing list of exmembers who have gone onto successful media careers. Kevin Hughes of BBC Radio Wales and Alison Hulme of Kiss 100 are amongst those that contributed to the station in their time at University.

In association with the SRA, there is also an alumni system running, enabling former Xpress Radio members to stay in touch with others from their days at the studios. Passing on priceless advice and support, this year sees the first meeting of old and new members.

As always, you can hear Xpress Radio twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week online at www.xpressradio.co.uk.

From October 29 though, Xpress Radio will be broadcasting live to Cardiff on 107.2 FM for a glorious fortnight.

The hub of activity in the weeks preceding and during the broadcast will be at the station on the 4th floor of the union. Mission control will be the station’s office, where producers, writers, promoters and technicians keep the station running smoothly.

TOM: Xpress Radio Station Manager The award-winning station has also taken over the back room of Solus, now known exclusively as the Xpress Radio Lounge, for practicality and pleasure.

As part of the station’s overhaul, the website has been completely revamped, with even more information on presenters and schedules and an Xpress forum.

“The broadcast kicks off, live in Lashtastic on Friday with a UV theme be there”

gair rhydd grabs six award nominations The National Student Journalism Awards shortlist was released earlier this week. gair rhydd started celebrating their nominations.

By Caleb Woodbridge Media Correspondent

W

riters for gair rhydd have received an astonishing six nominations in the National Student Journalism Awards, including Best Student Newspaper.

The reporting skills of the sports section were recognised with both Riath Al-Samarrai and David Williams receiving nominations for Best Student Sports Journalist.

Laura Tovey is shortlisted for Best Student Travel Journalist, with Ian Loynd also picking up a nomination

RIATH: Sports writer

TOVEY: Travel writer nomination for the Diversity Award.

Quench, the fortnightly magazine supplement to gair rhydd, has already been nominated for Best Magazine in the Guardian Student Media Awards.

Despite being barely a year old it has now received further acclaim with Jamie Fullerton being shortlisted in the Best Student Arts Journalist category.

Fullerton commented he was "surprised and delighted" by the nomination, and added that any prize money would be put to good use in helping to pay his tuition fees.

Gary Andrews, editor of gair rhydd, was pleased with the shortlist.

"I’m absolutely delighted for every-

one. It reflects the hard work put in

by Tristan Thomas and Alex Macpherson last year."

In 2003, gair rhydd received two nominations: Best Arts Journalist for Alex Macpherson and Best Paper, but were beaten to the title by York Vision.

Although the York paper dominated last year’s awards, taking three other top awards, Andrews is optimistic that gair rhydd can triumph this year. "Hopefully we’ll go one step further – we’ve a very good chance of winning Best Paper."

Andrews described the dramatic increase in nominations as "absolutely amazing."

The six nominations this year bring gair rhydd onto a par with Oxford University’s publications and second only to York, which between its two student papers, York Vision and Nouse, received ten.

Judged by media professionals, journalists and former winners, the awards, which are now in their 57th year, are arguably the most prestigious in student journalism.

The winners will be announced on November 13 as part of the 2004 National Student Media Conference at Canary Wharf, London.

The conference, organised by the NUS, is a chance for student journalists to meet with professionals and hone their skills, climaxing with the glittering awards ceremony, which last year was hosted by Colin Murray

GARY: gair rhydd editor and Edith Bowman.

The winner in each category receives £500 and work experience at the Daily Mirror, with £250 for the runner up.

The broadcast kicks off at the mighty Lashtastic on October 29 with the rather fabulous Xpress UV Launch. Get out your glowsticks and body paint and come worship at the almighty temple of student radio!

Plans are afoot to make this a night to remember as we go live on air at midnight.

The prominence of Xpress Radio at both theFreshers’ and AU fairs has led to over 200 members being signed up this year. Around 60 of those are new to the mainstream and specialist broadcasting departments and have been frantically trained in time for the broadcast.

Tom Wellingham, the station manager and general Xpress mogul says: “It’s fantastic to have Xpress back on the air and we hope the whole student body will enjoy the broadcasting and general shenanigans. Keep an eye out for Xpress Radio!”

The new and old members of the music department have plans for some cracking shows and ideas for some top competitions are in full flow.

Speech-based programmes are also up and coming with plans for more news- and sport-based info along with a bigger radio drama output and, of course, the legend that is Xpress’ very own soap - Woodville Road.

For the freshers amongst you, gair rhydd will be providing a beginners’ guide to Woodville Road in the coming weeks.

So, tune your FM dial to 107.2, hit Solus on October 29 in full UV garb and prepare for Xpress Radio!

Science

Page 18

October 25 2004

grscience@cf.ac.uk

A r a c h n o p h o - B ay - a

Science in brief

By Chris Matthews

Spray your way to depression Scientists from Bristol University this week made a link between health problems and over-use of spray type air fresheners. This study conducted with 14,000 children concluded that volatile organic compounds (VOCs) given off by these products can lead to problems including headaches, diarrhoea and even depression. Although the exact mechanism of this process is still unknown leading researcher Dr Farrow said: "Being cleaner may not necessarily mean being healthier."

Science enters US election debate With less than two weeks to the US presidential elections, science has become an important campaigning tool for the republican and democratic leaders. The key scientific issue in the election is that of stem cell research, voters are given a clear choice: vote Bush and federal restrictions will prevent advances in the field or vote Kerry and factors standing in the way of this research will be lifted. The Bush administration has been strongly criticised for manipulating research for political means, leaving many feeling that science should stay firmly separate from politics.

Russia moves on climate change

Russian President Putin has delighted the European community with his acceptance of the Kyoto agreement this week, proving his drive to reduce worldwide greenhouse gas emissions. Russia’s commitment to the treaty is very significant because it ensures that the Kyoto agreement remains international law. The treaty was increasingly unstable after the US’s withdrawal in 2001 but as Russia contributes 17% of global emissions President Putin’s announcement is seen as a pleasing step in the right direction.

Mobiles safer than thought

The f irst long-term report into mobile phones’ possible link to brain cancer has been published by Danish scientists suggesting they are safe. The two-year study investigating all cases of brain tumour in Denmark found no link between tumours and the side of the head where a phone would be held.

If you go down to the Bay today you’re in for a big surprise

By Martha Crockatt and Eleanor Sherrard-Smith Science Reporters

SINCE THE idea for Cardiff Bay was conceived in 1986 there have been fears of flooding, sewage contamination and the destruction of the local ecosystem but nobody ever imagined that the £220m artificial lake would become overrun with giant spiders.

Within the Bay there are a wide variety of attractions including bars, restaurants, a leisure complex, shops and the science centre Techniquest.

There are also many considerable new housing developments with plans for continued development of the area.

Unfortunately for residents of Cardiff Bay, their views of the new lake have been obscured on a yearly basis by midges. The chironomids, as they are known, breed in the freshwater lake, and with the unstable ecosystem their populations are not naturally controlled.

In the summer of 2002 the midge problem was so bad that a residents’ committee from the Bay considered taking legal action against the harbour authority. Since then there have been a range of measures to try and stop the swarms of insects, including erecting bright lights to trap the flies, encouraging natural predators to the area and introducing chemical insecticides to the lake.

Despite these measures, the summer of 2004 saw the return of the midges. Recently there have also been comments from residents on other unwanted visitors this time in the form of giant spiders.

Rhys Jones, a Bay resident for 6 years, has had many run-ins with the spiders, which can be up to 5 inches across, and "give you a nasty nip!"

Rhys is not alone in his attack as a number of residents have contacted the local council fearing that the giant spiders are poisonous invaders from abroad.

Dr Peter Randerson is a Cardiff University lecturer who has followed the development of the Bay and its environmental impacts over the years.

He supports the generally accepted theory that the spiders feed on the midges, and that the large spider population is a direct result of the large midge population.

Although midges and spiders have flourished at the Bay, rare birds that lived on the tidal mudflats, such as curlews, dunlin and redshank, have lost their migratory home. When the Bay was flooded 146 hectares of the Taff and Ely Site of Special Scientific Interest (SSSI) were completely destroyed, displacing the estimated 8,000 birds that relied on this habitat.

As compensation for the destroyed mudflats the Gwent Levels Wetland Reserve has been created with millions of pounds being invested in an attempt to make the project a success.

Measures to ensure this success include cutting the area off from the mainland to stop predators snacking on the fledglings and diverting power

pylons away from the site ensuring a safe nesting habitat.

This, at first, appeared to be an elegant solution the problem of the displaced birds but there is a major flaw in the plan: the new reserve is such a different habitat to the birds’ native bay that they refuse to inhabit it.

The spiders can be five inches across and give you a nasty nip!

Despite this disaster the Cardiff Bay Development Corporation, and subsequently Cardiff Harbour Authority, have carried out a number of mitigation measures to ensure the Bay project as a whole is a successful one. This included the 1993 Cardiff Bay Act in which there are sections to ensure that ecological aspects of the Bay are not forgotten.

One safeguarding measure implemented by the Authority is to combat flooding. The barrage is designed to counter floodwater volumes which are much higher than any predicted by meteorologists. This is to protect against rising sea levels or unusual and fast increases in rainfall. The barrage also includes five sluice gates allowing the height of the lake to be continually stabilised, maintaining an optimal water height.

In an effort to clean the Bay up there is a network of pipes, several miles long, that pump air through the water. These comical geysers can usually be seen bubbling, re-oxygenating the water with the aim of reducing the amount of algal growth. Decreasing

algal growth is slowly having an effect on the number of midges and this year’s population is reduced compared with last year.

Higher oxygen levels also benefit the fish-life at the Bay with salmon and sea trout beginning to use the fish pass in recent years indicating a breeding population. With this encouraging reduction in the fly population, in part due to the reduced algal growth, our arachnid friends may soon need to move on to greener waters!

The Bay is operated by the Cardiff Bay Development Corporation, which was founded in 1987 to oversee the multi-million pound development that would regenerate the rundown docks of Cardiff into a vibrant area attracting business and tourism to the city.

Building began in 1994, following the 1993 Cardiff Bay Barrage Act. While in opposition Welsh labour MPs such as Ron Davies opposed the barrage together with environmental organisations such as Friends of the Earth and the RSPB. But when Labour came into power in 1997, Ron Davies allowed the development to go ahead, leading to accusations of hypocrisy.

The barrage is 1km of stone and concrete that makes what used to be a tidal bay into a fresh water lake. It is made up of locks that allow vessels to enter and exit the Bay, sluice gates that control the water level and fish passes that allow migratory salmon and sea trout to reach their breeding grounds in the rivers Taff and Ely.

Cardiff Bay: where everything is not as it seems. gair rhydd isn’t just for English and Journalism students!

If you’ve got an interest in any area of science and want to contribute, email the science editor at grscience@cf.ac.uk or come up to the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the union.

Leech y Gelen

October 25 2004

Page 19

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Watching Pakistan’s poor die

By Hamid Raza Ali

Leech y Gelen Correspondent George Orwell, who was unfortunate enough to suffer from tuberculosis, was also unfortunate enough to spend some time in a French hospital - a certain Hospital X. It was there that he suffered at the hands of haughty doctors, experimenting students and an indifferent nursing staff, but perhaps most disturbingly, he shared these experiences with men who were resigned to their fate. Later, in 1946, he wrote of these experiences in his essay How the Poor Die. I’d counsel anyone who hasn’t done so already to read the piece. Only recently I’ve returned from my own experience of the poor, and the way in which they die. That is, the poor of Lahore, Pakistan.

Starting out from the luxurious home of a General Surgeon, we thundered through the bustle of the city in his basic but serviceable car.

Passing open sewage pipes, shantytowns and inevitably car accidents of some sort, we arrived at the first hospital of the day.

It later turned out that in the hierarchy of hospitals which exists in Pakistan this one was placed firmly in the middle and, as such, it seemed basic but not horrifying – not what I’d been taught to expect.

My fellow student and I sat at the surgeon’s grand desk whilst patients of all sorts waltzed in quite arbitrarily, waiting to be seen. Sitting at one of the multitude of seats strewn about the room they waited until the consulting stool was free and then pounced on it wearing imploring, desperate looks.

Incidentally, as they wore these heart-breaking looks, the surgeon was sat in a hefty leather chair, writing some prescription or wading through his briefcase. He’d ask them, still writing, ‘Yes, what’s the problem?’

And they’d begin in imploring tones: ‘It’s my…’ or, ‘I can’t…’ or, ‘It hurts to…’

Granted, in this there is nothing peculiar but what followed always evoked my interest. Excluding the simplest problems and those patients who were personal friends of the doctor, each and every weathered face would begin their story.

Their story of woeful maltreatment or dying relatives or sickly malnourished children and, of course, their scant ability to pay for an operation, if one was needed.

It was at about this point that they’d

begin weeping and, having lent a cursory examination, that the surgeon would tell them that there was no other way – they needed surgery.

Bowing their head submissively, they’d accept the piece of paper handed to them, on which was written every piece of disposable equipment necessary for the operation – right down to the sutures. I remember feeling a twinge of moral outrage the first time I saw an elderly man reporting for surgery, clutching a small carrier bag of medical equipment, relinquishing it only at the order of the surgeon as if his very life lay between the sheets of polythene, which of course in some sense it did.

Life on the wards wasn’t much different. They were hot, smelly and overcrowded. Patients were often tended to by their relatives and by perpetually offended nursing staff. A drain here, a catheter there: blood, urine, pus and whatever else was emptied either into a nearby bucket or, as was the surgeon’s preference, squirted directly onto the floor.

Bandages too would go from the patient’s wound to beneath our feet – we were told not to worry, there was a woman who would clean it something she did twice a day.

“Life on the wards wasn’t much different.

They were hot, smelly and overcrowded” In theatre we’d wear only cotton masks and hats, which would be sterilised and eventually reused. If either of us were assisting we’d change our shirts and wear operating gowns and powder-soaked gloves. Theatre was one of the few air-conditioned rooms in the hospital. It was lacking in equipment, the paint was peeling from the walls and the floor was often littered with the same paraphernalia as the wards (although it was a good deal bloodier). There were no laparoscopes so it was all ‘old-school’ but otherwise much the same as what I’ve seen in British hospitals.

Three times a week, our day would continue in another hospital until late evening. This one was further into the city and slightly less well-equipped

OPERATING: Hamid (inset) takes the knife to someone unfortunate enough to be in hospital in Pakistan. and so, I was told, cheaper. Here our routine was much the same. The anaesthetist here, aside from being hours late or not turning up at all, was an especially grumpy man who asked repeatedly of routes into medical careers in Britain.

On one occasion, at my being unable to answer a question, he insulted me quite openly (something about my clothes and mannerisms).

Unlike Britain, the surgeon would do all he possibly could rather than cancel an operation, and when the anaesthetist decided not to appear, he’d do it himself.

I saw the surgeon act as anaesthetist on numerous occasions, as an obstetrician, a gynaecologist and as a physician. He did all of this without flinching, telling us afterwards, with a wry smile, that that was only the third time he’d ever done that procedure.

You couldn’t blame the man for this – if he hadn’t done it, then no one would have.

On one occasion, a man limped slowly into clinic, alongside a lady who turned out to be his sister. Only recently had a mass of doctors left the room, having had their morning ‘tea convention’ (something they did each day without fail, whilst patients accumulated outside their offices or were quickly tended to, tea in hand). I noticed his nose first of all – it was swollen and on much of his face were small swellings – pimples. He began telling his story with remarkable composure, leaning forward and clutching at his crotch. The surgeon pointed at his nose and face, telling us of the many cases he’d seen of this sort.

On the examining table the man was asked to expose his lower half. I was stationed behind my fellow student, out of view of the patient. It was only at the surgeon’s yelp and sudden utterance of ‘Oh my God!’ that I promptly positioned myself at his side.

What I saw was certainly worthy of the proclamation.

The patient had those same swellings scantily over his chest, but it was only as he removed a mass of amateurish bandaging around his crotch that I saw the problem. His genitalia were scarcely visible owing to those same pimples, which were in abundance and oozing slowly. His

penis hung down over long straight wounds that had been made around the swellings.

It was over these that the bandages had rested and it was from these that the most pus was oozing. We were later told that they were drainage incisions made by other doctors, who were obviously unaware of what they were doing. In addition to this, having looked under the scrotum, we established an obvious lump (the surgeon thought it likely to be cancerous).

The man, at viewing himself in the bright light of the room, promptly began to cry. Back at the desk the surgeon explained the dire situation, that there was no absolute cure, that he needed a biopsy of the lump and possibly surgery, and in more explicit terms, how much all of this would cost. The man then left, but his sister, sat at the back of the room, stayed behind.

She looked as though she’d cried a lot in her life, too much perhaps. But

there again, she began sobbing abjectly. The man was in constant pain.

He screamed out when he urinated or defecated, he couldn’t sleep or even lay down comfortably and needless to say, such a man could never find work.

They had little in the way of food, let alone a disposable income.

The surgeon patiently explained the situation once again and after a flood of tears, the lady left quietly. At this point the surgeon sighed, one of the few times I saw him do so, telling us how unfortunate the man’s lot was. ‘It gets to him too’, I thought, and after a moment’s awkward silence, we left.

The crowded wards, the patients’ muted utterances and the doctor’s brusque manner reminded me then of an essay that I had read some time previously. Back at the surgeon’s palatial home, in our large room, I rummaged through my bag until I found the essay, and read again of Orwell’s experiences of How the Poor Die.

Free Stuff

Page 20

October 25 2004

grcomps@yahoo.co.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! HELLO THERE. This week I plan to shamelessly endorse Shark Tale. A great chunk of animated, kiddy-like fun; I would get down to your local cinema and see it now if I were you.

There is even something for the lads in the shape of Lola, the hottest fish you will ever see. Just check out my picture above.

Enough of that now, keep reading folks. I have many more wonderful giveaways. Go on, you might just win something. All you have to do is email me at the above address or pop a note in my pigeonhole, 4th floor of the Union. Good luck.

Superchunk Hits Cardiff A REALLY damn big competition for you all again this week. I’m definitely working too hard. Might just take a rest, save myself for some top Christmas giveaways. No, I wouldn’t do that to you all. Far too damn nice, that’s my problem.

For the first time ever, Superchunk will be hitting Wales in the Cardiff Emporium. On November 19, The Emporium on High Street will be opening its doors for a night of top DJ fun and frolics for you lucky people. Running to 4am, the tickets cost a measly £10.

Their line up includes top DJs Tom Neville and Phil Kieran.

As well as including these two absolutely huge DJs, Superchunk will be showcasing the best DJ talent Cardiff has to offer.

Each of the Emporium’s three rooms will be offering different styles of music, so all you lovely clubbers can hit the dance floors and wet your chunk appetite.

In the main room our two top acts are making their debuts in Cardiff for the very first time. Phil Kieran, who is a Shine, Skint records and Bugged Out! legend, is really excited about playing Cardiff for the first time. With his chunky blend of house, breaks and techno, this legendary producer is one not to be missed.

Tom Neville is another quality producer and currently riding the wave of his success with Just F**k and various other remixes.

Tom is a Ministry of Sound regular, Mixmag hero and certainly one for the future.

Supporting these boys in the main room will be the Superchunk residents: Andy Howells, the Tiny Twins and the Chunk Brothers. Andy Howells and the Tiny Twins are rising talents in Cardiff and are part of the Rehab DJs. They're receiving good support and an excellent following. If you've been out in Cardiff recently, then there's no doubt that you would've been caught up in their hypnotic sounds and contagious grooves.

We're sure they'll certainly get you in the

Which two DJs are headlining the Superchunk event at the Emporium on November 19? Enter in the usual way.

Kieran: in the Pink

Jungle Massive I HAVE heard through my competition grapevine that there is a splendid new game out there, much fun to play when pissed, I am told.

Jungle Speed has already taken the rest of Europe by storm and looks set to hit the UK very soon. Said to be the speediest game you will ever play, it’s tense, manic and a big bucket of laughs.

You have to match the bunch of cheeky little monkeys to 80 cards and grab the totem pole before anybody else. Whoever has the quickest reflexes will be crowned King of the Jungle, or Queen maybe.

mood and ready to party.

The Chunk Brothers are a fresh new talent on the Cardiff scene. They have a zest and appetite for music that's infectious and are very excited at the prospect of playing the main room in Emporium, in what is their second home.

All systems are go, the DJs are ready, are you?

This is not all: with many other DJs and music styles in the various rooms there is something here for everyone and a night certainly not to be missed. An alternative night out with alternative sounds: everything you need under one roof. The blueprint has been made for one of the hottest nights of this year.

To get hold of a lovely couple of tickets for this hot event, all you need to do is answer this really easy question.

Just watch out for the cheetahs and don’t end up being tomorrow’s lion poo.

If you’re absolutely itching to play, then check out www.junglespeed.co.uk for more information on gaming techniques, tips and tactics.

You don’t need to bother with that though when little me at grab! has got my hands on two copies of Jungle Speed to give away to you lovely people. All you have to do is answer this really easy question. Good luck all.

How many cards are in the game? Enter in the usual way.

Don’t Dodge This

COURTESY OF UCG Cinemas, I have so much film merchandise it’s unbelievable. It’s literally coming out of my ears. Those UGC people are so generous.

So I’ve decided to run a few lovely competitions and give you wonderful people the chance to get your grubby mitts on all this great stuff.

I’m sure you have all seen the

absolutely hilarious Dodgeball, starring Ben Stiller, as well as another recent hit, De-Lovely, the life story of Cole Porter, starring Ashley Judd. If you haven’t seen them then you’d better get your bum to UCG now; they do cheap tick-

And the Winner is...

ets for students, you know.

Now to get your hands on some Dodgeball goodies in the form of a T-shirt, watch and a dodgeball - just to throw at unsuspecting old women in the street, maybe, if you are mean enough - all you have to do is answer this really easy question: In which rom-com did Ben Stiller star with Jennifer Aniston?

For De-Lovely I have absolutely loads of stuff, mostly in the form of T-shirts, Cocktail Shakers and Cufflinks, to make you feel extra posh on a night out. Fancy any of this? Simply answer this really, easy question and you can take your pick.

De-lovely is the life story of which man?

Enter in the usual way.

WOW, THAT ntl competition was quite popular with you all, wasn’t it? I had so many entries I decided it was only fair that I picked a name out of a hat. I’m afraid begging/flattery/bribery wasn’t going to get you anywhere. I do things fair and square up here. Anyway, the lucky winner is Claire Bonham, for correctly answering that ntl have three different speeds. Well done.

Secondly, congrats to Amita Chong for correctly guessing that Steve Jones was the new face of Burton. Your vouchers are on their way. I will contact you all when your prizes are ready, so please, sit tight.

Television

October 25 - 31 2004

Page 23

StupidWhiteMan@TVWill.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV Oct 18th-Oct 25th

Dude, Where’s My Country Feast?

Ludicrously Overrated Bearded Lumberjack Blunders Into Question Time Studio

HOT Manchester City: Kevin Keegan’s men stuffed the life out of silly Jose’s team of overprized coke-fiends with a 1-0 win on Saturday. Expect the victory party to end at somepoint next week.

Up next, Newcastle away. Howaaaay!

SOAPS As Holly has taken the proverbial ‘trip to Botswana’, I’ve taken it upon myself to go wild in the proverbial ‘soapland’. That’s enough ‘proverbials’ for now, let’s get on with it!

Right Corrie (ITV1 and 2 - all the pigging time), it’s Sunita’s wedding, the cue for a big Street party (see what I did?), everyone should be out to boogie, but will everyhitng go to plan? Who knows/cares? The more interesitng thing was ‘Kool’ Ken Barlow blowing his top and telling ‘Terrible’ Tracey that she deserved to go to hell. parents eh?

What are they like.

More commotion in Eastenders (BBC 1 - likewise), I think by this point Martin has gone ‘latin’ on Sarah’s ass, but there is enough to keep you entertained. Kat is back to wean Zoe off the crack (White Lightning), so fun all round then?

Aha, after last week’s tribulations trying to get myself on the front page, TV Willy has managed to hijack the flagship TV tome! Huzzah!

Enough of that, let’s go to my picks for the week, although why anyone would listen to my advice I don’t know. I haven’t watched telly since they cut the power off and took away the family Ferguson to pay off my Grandma’s gambling debts.

Question Time (Thursday 11.15pm, BBC1) features celebrity fat person and rabble-rouser Michael Moore. If, like me, you will be staying up all night hoping, nay, praying that John Kerry wins the US election, fat Mike (as I affectionately call him), will be there to guide your enthusiasm in the right direction. Here’s hoping!

Also, my new favourite celebrity friend David Starkey presents part two of Monarchy (C4, Monday, 9pm). This week the scholar looks at the nation just before that cad William the Conquerer hit our shores and did some, well, conquering. As my mate Dave would say, “heh, heh, heh!”. Check out TV Willy’s not-asexclusive-as-we-would-lead-you-tobelieve interview with Mr Starkey on page 7. That’s enough recommending for one afternoon. For more detailed listings, go online, or buy a Radio Times, or alternatively, just make them up. We do. Lots of love and romps in the hay, your old pal TV Willy xx.

Yo! TV John graduated in Language and Communication and vowed never to go near the subject e v e r again,

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL First pick this week is a new series of QI (Friday, BBC4, 10.30pm) hosted by the ridiculously intelligent Stephen Fry. Learn some silly facts to impress your housemates. Here’s one for you: how many lakes are there in the Lake District? One. Dunno why there’s only one, but there is.

For those of you already having withdrawal symptoms from the early stages of X-Factor, ITV2 are showing the Best and Worst Auditions (8pm, Wednesday) which will surely include the dude who worked in the chicken factory and sang Barbie Girl and the ageing twin women with peroxide blonde pigtails.

As the US presidential campaign hots up, BBC3 is showing Bush For A day (Monday, 9pm.) Two women get taken to the White House and given the chance to see how they’d cope. Better than the current guy no doubt.

And finally, have a feeling it was mentioned last week but its cult following requires constant comments. It is of course Little Britain, Tues BBC3 9pm.

so it’s somewhat of a surprise that I’m thrilled to bits at the return of one of the few redeeming features of three years hard work, namely What’s in a Word? (Wednesday, 1pm, C4). In short, it’s the lazy linguistics student dream: a wirey, verbally uncontrollable presenter leads us on a merry dance through a series of scenarios casually tossing about the origins of words like superstitious salt over his shoulder.

It’s got a great theme tune, which sounds like an amateur Jean Michelle Jarre trying to sound Olde English. Brilliant.

Failing that, just watch The Opposite of Sex on Friday (E4, 10pm) if you’ve got E4. The goth’s

mainstream choice, Christina Ricci tries to seduce a gay man. Sch-wing!

PS I really hate Michael Moore, the patronizing biased old fat fucker. xxx Hola, TV Katie here to shed some feminine light (fnarr) onto the hallowed Desk of TV. First choice is The Power of Nightmares (Wednesday, 9pm, BBC2) which is the second of a three-parter documentary on fear.

Had to miss it last week as The National Spelling Test was obligatory viewing for someone whose Mum taught her rhymes to remember how to spell words such as ‘embarrassing’ and ‘parallel’. Paid off though, got 88%, get in! So anyway, Power of Nightmares is about government exaggeration of external threats to convince people that beating these demons is a priority. Part two heads into the 1980s, when US neoconservatives and Arab mujaheddin came together to fight the Soviet army. That’s all from me folks. I bring on TVs newest recruit, with the coolest name: TV Manners.

Since I’m Mr Newby I only get a little section to fill in. My arse is still on fire after the TV desk initiation ceremony. I wasn’t told about that when I started. My pick of the week has to be New Little Britain (BBC 3, Sunday, 11pm) because, lets be fair, it’s the shining light in a world of TV which is pretty bollocks at the moment. Any ‘welcome to the TV desk’ presents would be greatly appreciated. Send them up to the office and look for the Tsunami Bomb hoodie. (Is this when I put kisses?) Mwah. xxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Long May He Rain There is no film that has ever been concepted, planned, designed, filmed and acted in a more beautifully self-indulgent, preposturous and off-thewall bonkers than this one.

There is no film that defines an era of greed, gloss, rapturous gluttony of sequinned tack and utterly frivolous mind-junk better than this one.

There is no film that sees a five foot urchin taking on the persona of the biggest man in rock and roll, before beating him senseless, laughing hysterically and riding off puffing smoke skyward, on the mother of all motorbikes, quite like this one. Bat Out of What?

So what is this film? What is this pinnacle of the eighties movie genre, the sex-on-a-stick ultrasonic UBER-biopic?

Simple. the man of the moment is Prince. His new album came out recently, but it’s a bit crap. Purple Rain was re-released on DVD last week. That, there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever, is not.

NOT

Chelsea: Not so special now are you Mourinho?

Cock.

Despite City having the worst defence this side of the IMG leagues your bumbling strikers still managed to make Richard Dunne look like a professional footballer.

Shame on you all. Except Roman, money please?

SPORT Not surprisingly, this week’s sport pick involves Manchester City, who take on Arsenal in the third round of the Carling Cup (Sky Sports 2, 7pm, wednesdy). Come and join me for the match in the Crwys, flags and scarves optional. We can end Jose’s winning streak, so why not Arsene’s?

FILMS Touching the Void (FilmFour Weekly): Although technically not on normal TV ( mainly because it’s not), Kevin Macdonald’s film about two mountianeerers getting, well, fucked, by a big dirty mountain. One of the most beautiful and captivating films of last year. Well worth a gander.

RADIO Huzzah! After months away (it seems like days) our very own radio station Xpress Radio (107.2 FM!). Let’s be honest they are going to play better music than Radio 1 or any other air-flange commercial radio stations, so you’d be wise to tune in while you still can.

Drachonian radio licensing laws mean that Xpress is only on air for a few weeks, which, all things considered is a bit silly. I say rip the equipment out from the topfloor of the union, find someone with a garage, whack it all under there and you’ve got yourself a finely tuned pirate radio station.

We won’t tell anyone if none of you ‘orrible lot do.

Alternatively, catch TV Willy’s show on Classic FM (99.9-101.9 FM) for beautiful, beautiful sounds. Gadumph!

Monday

Page 24

October 25 - 31 2004

garyvsthechair@pestinchief.com

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.35 Judge Judy 18.30 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix Highlights 19.30 Champions League Weekly Watch highlights of Manchester United’s dour draw with Sparta Prague. Prague? I could beat them. Hah ha. Cunts.

20.00 Airline 20.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 21.00 FILM: Liar Liar *** I watched this as a kiddler and seemed to enjoy it, “the claw”, and all that. However, I reckon the acquistion of an education has led me to watch more challenging films, like Flubber.

22.40 Coronation Street 23.10 Coronation Street 23.40 The Frank Skinner Show Frank Skinner 00.20 Jerry Springer 01.05 Late Show with David Letterman 01.50 Teleshopping 03.50 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 YuGi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 08.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 09.00 Little Monsters 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Max Magic 12.00 FILM: Arabian Nights 14.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 15.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 17.00 The Simpsons 17.30 The Simpsons 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons It appears that Sky One have decided to fill about five hours of thier schedules with The Simpsons. not that this matters to you lame-o students ‘cos none of you have Sky. Cunts!

19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Battlestar Galactica 21.00 Long Way Round Ewan and friend travel the world on thier motorbikes. Because they have time. Because they are rich buggers. And it’s for charidee.

22.00 Street Wars 23.00 Deadwood 00.15 Gamezville 01.10 Max Magic 02.05 Little Monsters 03.00 Dr Phil 03.55 Hot Love 04.45 Pokemon

Real Sex five 11.05pm

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Ross and Rachel are avoiding each other. They both have the clap.

17.30 Friends 18.00 Average Joe: Hawaii The six guys saddle up for a horseback ride. Apart from some of the opening scenes of Predator and Top Gun, I think this is the gayest thing I have ever come across. Apart form when I came across Peter Mandelson.

19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The OC 22.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip Paris and Nicole continue on their trip that they can afford to do becasue they have rich fathers. Are there any celebrities not lobbibng their way round the world sucking cocks at the moment. What’s that? Abi Titmuss isn’t? Fair.

22.30 Kings of Comedy 23.00 Without a Trace 00.00 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 00.30 Hollyoaks 01.00 The OC 01.50 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 02.15 Average Joe: Hawaii 03.00 Kings of Comedy 03.25 Kings of Comedy: Late Night

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19.00 five news 19.30 Ultimate Armoured Cars 20.30 Fifth Gear like Top Gear, but on five! And without Jeremy Clarkson, the wire-haired lothario of BBC2.

21.00 The Man Who Swears He's Normal: Extraordinary People Documentary about how three men cope with Tourette's syndrome. It’s not that fucking hard to cope witht the fucking syndrome all you have to do is put your cunting mind to it and avoid low-brow jokes such as these fucking fuckers.

22.00 Boxing Academy 23.05 Real Sex: Porn 101 Last time I checked, porn and real sex were about as far away from each other as TV Desk and Miss Holly HD. Sob. 00.05 Lexx 00.50 US PGA Golf: Funai Classic 01.40 NFL Live: Cincinnati Bengals v Denver Broncos 05.35 Motorsport

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07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 07.20 Pingu 07.30 Pentre Bach 07.45 Rala Rwdins 08.00 Planed Plant: Mona y Fampir 08.20 Waaa! 08.30 Dan Datrys 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Nikki 09.50 Nikki 10.15 Ed 11.05 Third Watch 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Pentre Bach 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.45 Location, Location, Location 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Dan Datrys 16.25 OFN 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy Ringo Starr is among the guests.

18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm Kath has a cunning plan to get Mark out of jail. Talking about cunning plans, today TV Desk launch their annual campaign to be crowned section of the year at the annual Cardiff Media Awards. We missed out last year to the shock victory of interviews but this year our witty repertoire should be enough to see us pronounced winners. Up TV Desk. Huzzah!

20.25 Ffermio Weekly 21.00 Mostyn Fflint 'N Aye! Wacker, another member of the Bibby family, returns to Bagillt and tries to convert Mostyn into a television football pundit.

21.30 Sgorio 22.35 Father Ted THE best comedy programme ever made is put back on to our lucky screens.

Bow down.

23.05 Monarchy with David Starkey: Aengla Land 00.05 Without a Trace

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Chloe runs rings round Chastity. Or should that be Chloe runs around Chastity’s ring. Talk about ironic character naming. Sluts.

19.30 Coronation Street Sunita’s wedding goes bellyup as Maya comes and immediately starts singing about Dev’s “case of the ex”. I think I’ve had my wires crossed here somehow.

20.00 How Clean Is Your Hospital?: Tonight With ‘Big’ Trev: About as clean as my kitchen, which hasn’t been cleaned since we moved in (in 1984).

20.30 Coronation Street Shelley swallows her pride and faces Gail. This refers to accusations that Gail has swallowed Charlie’s ‘pride’.

Wink wink.

21.00 Whose Baby? It wasn’t mine I swear. I used a condom and everything!

22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week Was mainly rainy and did little to improve my foul mood swings.

YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING BASTARDS!!!!23.30 Tarrant on TV 00.00 The Jules and Lulu Show 00.30 Champions League Weekly 00.55 Building the Dream 01.20 Moving Day

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Face Value Sam and Gary have both got hang-ups about their looks: Sam's obsessed with her wrinkles and Gary hides his thinning hairline under a varied collection of hats. Vain cunts!

20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels Clinical psychologist Dr Tanya Byron offers advice on parenting. Here is some of my own, don’t have kids they smell and make things dirty. A lot like my housemates actually.

21.00 Bush for a Day An intrepid reporter does that trick where you hide your willy between your legs and it looks like a boosh.

No one done that? No? Shit.

22.00 Cancer Short: EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 My Life in Film 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.30 Little Angels

06.00 CBBC: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.30 Bobinogs 06.45 Wide Eye 07.00 CBBC: Snailsbury Tales 07.15 Arthur 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 Serious Desert 08.25 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.50 Looney Tunes 09.00 Big Wolf on Campus 09.20 Watch My Chops 09.35 Taz-Mania 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 Come Outside 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 FILM: Me and My Pal ** 11.20 FILM: The Old Dark House *** 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Trade Secrets 13.10 FILM: Without Reservations *** 15.00 The Flying Gardener 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two To go dogging.

19.00 Britain's Best Buildings: Palace of Westminster Interesting fact. The Palace of Westminster has actually been made and remade about four times due to bombings and fires and suchlike. So, not as old and/or original as you might think. Despite Boris Johnson having an office there.

20.00 Mastermind What the rest of the office refers to TV desk as in casual conversation. We are but a bank of knowledge.

20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks ...let’s download some bukkake porn.

21.30 Room 101 It means ‘splash’ in Japanese. Draw your own conclusions naive readers.

22.00 Monkey Dust 22.30 Newsnight

Emmerdale ITV 7pm

Your Union

406.00 Breakfast 09.15 Animal Park 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Builders Sweat and Tears 11.30 Car Booty 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Too Young to Die 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Pui's Explore Monday: Tots TV 15.35 Boo! 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Stables 16.20 Rugrats 16.35 In 2 Minds 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Jack wakes with no memory of what he's done the night before.

Well you wouldn’t if you been rohypnoled by Harold Bishop in a Melbourne nightclub, would you? 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Holiday 2005 19.30 X-Ray Consumer programme helping a kid who bought a phone. I say let him suffer!

20.00 EastEnders Billy's determined to move on from Little Mo. Big Mo meets her match in Demi and Darren.

Zoe finally hears from Dennis - but will she get the news she wants?

20.30 Changing Rooms Moved to an earlier timeslot, this hidden camera show exposes what really happens when women take their tops off in changing rooms. Not surprisingly, a favourite of mine.

21.00 Spooks 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 They Think It's All Over 23.05 Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time 23.35 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross

Without Reservations

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CH4. As S4C except: 06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 09.15 Ed 10.05 ER 11.00 Third Watch 11.50 At the Pictures 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.30 Grudge Match 13.40 FILM: Highly Dangerous With ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: We Are What We Do In that case I am a wank.

20.00 The White House for Sale I offered my Grandad’s greenhouse in exchange, but like when I offered my body for scientific research, there were no takers.

21.00 Monarchy with David Starkey: Aengla Land 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 Father Ted 23.30 The Sopranos 00.35 Made in Britain: Drinking Britain Dry 01.05 FILM: Mani Ratnam 04.15 Sing with Bollywood 04.20 Monkey Nuts: The Lost 13 Episodes

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Tuesday

October 25 - 31 2004

Page 25

pestpestpest@davedoyle.co.uk

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Ask a Silly Question 19.00 The Planet's Funniest Animals 19.30 The National Television Awards: On the Red 20.00 FILM: Waking Ned Film about an old Oirish bloke who cops it with a winning lottery ticket. Think it’s got that hairy bloke from Cold Feet in it.

Possibly not.**** 21.55 It's Good to Be...

Matt Le Blanc 22.30 The National Television Awards: Backstage Exclusive 23.00 FILM: Halloween 6: the Curse of Michael Myers * 00.45 Jerry Springer 01.25 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 08.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 09.00 Little Monsters 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Max Magic 12.00 FILM: Arabian Nights ** 13.50 Cribs 14.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 15.00 Best of Gamezville 16.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 17.00 The Simpsons “Monorail!”

17.30 The Simpsons “Statistics don’t mean anyhting Lisa, 9 out of 10 people know that!”

18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stargate Atlantis 22.00 Deadwood 23.10 Cold Case 00.10 Best of Gamezville 01.05 Max Magic 02.00 Little Monsters 02.55 Dr Phil 03.50 Beverly Hills 90210

Golden Salamander

C4 1.25pm

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 07.20 Pingu 07.30 Clwb Clebr 07.35 Caio 07.45 Rala Rwdins 08.00 Planed Plant: Mona y Fampir 08.20 Waaa!

08.30 Dan Datrys 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Nikki 09.50 Nikki 10.15 Ed 11.10 Third Watch 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Clwb Clebr 13.05 Caio 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.45 Beyond River Cottage 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Clwb Winx 16.30 Mona y Fampir 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends A remark of Phoebe's leads to trouble between the girls.

18.30 Friends .

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm Cai has an idea but Emma doesn't seem that keen. If she keeps saying no Cai, you’ll have to move-on in order to get your Brown Wings.

20.25 Taro 9 21.00 Chwilio am Long 22.00 Talcen Caled Les must face the consequences of his lies.

Maldwyn is pushing Gwenno to the limit.

22.55 Teachers New series. Now the bad characters who replaced the good characters have been replaced by some more bad characters. How elliptical. 00.00 The West Wing 00.55 The White House for Sale 01.55 FILM: Music of the Heart **

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Rachel returns his personal belongings. He didn’t even want that girdle back.

17.30 Friends 18.00 Average Joe: Hawaii 19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends The same episodes that were on about 2 hours ago. For those with short attention spans. That’ll be people who watch Friends then.

20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing The Bartlet administration is shaken by the news that former Vice President Hoynes is working on a tellall book. They obviously don’t want anyone to know about the former VeeP’s late night Trivial Pursuit sessions with Bartlett.

22.00 Kings of Comedy 22.30 The Sopranos 23.45 Line of Fire 00.35 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 01.05 Hollyoaks 01.35 The Sopranos 02.40 Kings of Comedy 03.05 Kings of Comedy: Late Night

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Mio Mao 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Restaurant 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: Seduced ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 Nigel Marven's Bull Shark: Search for the Deadliest Shark Some friends and myself were once speculating as to how much getting eaten by a shark would hurt. I suggested that it would hurt even more than normal because the salt would get into the wound. They laughed and called me naive.

Bastards.

21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation A look back at the house next door to us after ‘someone’ put some glue in the door. The house is unoccupied by the way. 22.50 Cosmetic Surgery - A Nip and a Tuck Too Far: My Breasts Are Too Small 23.55 The Dead Zone 00.35 World Series Baseball: Game Three 04.00 Argentinian Football 04.45 Argentinian

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Fun Song Factory 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Paddy keeps Marlon's kids in line. With a well timed beating. At last he found a use for that cow-prod. Dirty farmers.

19.30 The Ferret 20.00 The 10th National Television Awards More incredibly banal TV from ITV. Lots of silly celebrities, (mainly Richard and Judy) will be on hand to lick each others pooholes as they get awards for being the best celebrities in the world ever. Sycophants.

22.30 ITV News I always used to wonder how Trevor got from presenting the TV awards to doing the news. He must have some special machine afforded only to Knights of the Realm.

23.00 FILM: New York, New York *** 01.30 CD:UK Hotshots 01.55 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.45 Grounded for Life That’ll be me if my Mummy ever reads one of my TV pages

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Sports Junkies 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 New Little Britain Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comic look at life in Britain.

21.30 My Life in Film 22.00 Cancer Short: EastEnders 22.30 Good Girls Don't Davis motivates Jane's fitness regime. Good girls wouldn’t do ‘those’ kind of sit-ups. Trust me, I’ve asked.

22.55 The Graham Norton Effect A George Bush impersonation is put to dubious use. I shudder to think.

23.45 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 00.15 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 00.45 Liquid Assets 01.45 Slam Poets 02.40 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 03.10 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves

06.00 CBBC: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.30 Bobinogs 06.45 CBBC: Wide Eye 07.00 Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge 07.05 Snailsbury Tales 07.15 Arthur 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 Serious Desert 08.25 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.50 Looney Tunes 09.00 Big Wolf on Campus 09.20 Watch My Chops 09.35 Taz-Mania 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 Come Outside 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 FILM: Laughing Gravy *** 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 The Phil Silvers Show 13.25 FILM: Sleep My Love *** 15.00 The Flying Gardener 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal Jamie Theakston hosts a general knowledge quiz show 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19.00 HeadJam 19.30 Map Man 20.00 Bank of Mum and Dad The institution that keeping me from having to get a job. A job? Imagine.

21.00 Who Do You Think You Are?: Sue Johnston 22.00 Grumpy Old Men Series airing the gripes of middle-aged men. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The New Americans 00.50 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Expressive Arts 04.00 Expressive Arts

Waking Ned ITV2 8pm

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Animal Park 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Builders Sweat and Tears 11.30 Car Booty 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Sid's Fix It Tuesday: Bob the Builder 15.35 Little Robots 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Stables 16.20 Rugrats 16.35 Shoebox Zoo 17.00 Byker Grove Bradley makes a shocking confession. He likes Keane.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Jack confesses all to Steph. Dirty boy. She told him not to indulge in professional dogging.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Holby City Tricia's terrified and finding it hard to keep secrets from Chrissie.

Shouldn’t have indulged in frottage with her brother then should she?

21.00 A Thing Called Love Kelvin's prospects are bleak as his pursuit of sex takes him into dangerous territory 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life: Asleep at the Wheel 23.50 FILM: Superstition 01.45 Sign Zone: Horizon 02.35 Sign Zone: A Year at Kew

Grumpy Old Men

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STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! 029 20709922

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 09.15 Ed 10.10 ER 11.00 Third Watch 11.50 At the Pictures 12.30 Cheers 12.55 Frasier 13.25 FILM: The Golden Salamander ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: We Are What We Do 20.00 Location, Location, Location 20.30 Too Posh to Wash 21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 Teachers 23.05 Ban This Filth 23.40 Six Feet Under 01.40 Porn: A Family Business: Strictly BiznASS 02.05 Monkey 03.00 Freesports on 4: Downhill Mountainbiking 03.55 Le Mans Endurance Series 2004 04.20 FIM Motocross World Championships 04.45 Scrapheap Challenge USA

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Wednesday

Page 26

October 25 - October 31

BoysofSummer@JohnnyDeppthCharge.Com

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06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 YuGi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 08.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 09.00 Little Monsters 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Max Magic 12.00 Dinotopia 13.50 Cribs 14.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 15.00 Best of Gamezville 16.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Afterburn 17.00 The Simpsons 17.30 The Simpsons 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons With the guest voices of REM. This’ll be boring, then.

19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 TV Meltdown 21.00 Toughest Pubs in Britain Cardiff nominations include: The Park Lane Vaults, The Grange. and The Rummer Tavern. All er, nominated by people other than me.

22.00 Tim Lovejoy and the Allstars 23.00 Mile High00.00 Best of Gamezville 00.50 Max Magic 01.40 Little Monsters 02.30 Dinotopia 04.20 Hot Love

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06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Mio Mao 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Restaurant 15.30 five news update 15.40 FILM: Summer of Fear ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away.

Matilda displays psychic powers.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Alastair Campbell Interviews?

20.00 Jennie Bond's Royals: Life After Diana.

Get over it, you fucks! My main memory of the time just after her death was that I tried to buy a stereo from somebody in the personals section in the back of our local paper, and not being able to listen to anything good on the radio.

They also cancelled live footage of the V festival on Channel 4, but in hindsight, I couldn’t give a shit. The only person who should be allowed to care about life after Diana is Diana herself.

21.00 FILM: The Bodyguard ** 23.35 101 Most Shocking Moments in Entertainment TV Holly quitting number five. Come back! Editor Gary has already managed to unearth a new monkey to replace the irreplacable Holly.

Presenting....TV Manners.

00.30 World Series Baseball:

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07.30 Bws Parti 07.45 Rala Rwdins 08.00 Planed Plant: Mona y Fampir 08.20 Waaa!

08.30 Dan Datrys 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Nikki 09.50 Nikki 10.15 Ed 11.05 Third Watch 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Bws Parti 13.15 Cheers Haha, Woody Harrelson’s new film with Pierce Brosnan looks so incomparably rubbish.

“From the director of Rush Hour” screams the trailer. Yeah, nice incentive.

13.45 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.45 No Going Back: Chaos at the Castle 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Traed Moch 16.30 Popty Bach Surely the twee-est named show of all time? It probably means “Penis Pummelling” 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Dani and Gemma come up with a name for their new pet. Fuckfadgelbunkumcunt.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm Britt reopens the chip shop, much to Anti Marion's disapproval. I thought it was Auntie Marion? Well, you learn something new everyday. I hate her anyway - the best ever episode of Pobol Y Cwm was when Kelly stuck it to Marion and told her to get stuffed, and then spilt wine on her. Priceless.

20.25 Dudley 21.00 04 Wal 21.30 Grand Designs 22.30 Nip/Tuck 23.30 Six Feet Under 00.35 Ban This Filth 01.05 Line of Fire 02.00 Unreported World

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09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.00 The X Factor With Sharon “no really, I did think that Tabby was better than the one with the crippled dad, and didn’t just choose him because he likes rock music and I’ve got an image to maintain” Osbourne.

You’ve really got to feel for Louis though, because the three groups left are complete and utter novelty losers.

19.10 The Xtra Factor 20.00 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show 23.30 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.10 Late Show with David Letterman 01.55 The John Walsh Show 02.35 Teleshopping 05.05 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

Serious Desert BBC2 8am

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Butterfingers 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show Proper wanker.

18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Sean stitches up the Underworld girls. By dragging a fiver on a piece of string on the floor and making them crawl on their filthy knees, the gaggle of scrubbers they are.

20.00 The Bill Gabriel shakily takes in the revelation that Kerry was carrying his son. The old bugger.

21.00 FILM: Die Another Day *** 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: Die Another Day *** Wow, what’s this?

ITV1 are showing the newest Bond film, and NOT repeating all the other Bond films in a tawdry season. Actually, they might well have been doing this for all I know, but I never watch anything on ITV except Liz Mcdonald’s wrinkle movements on Corrie, 00.05 Carling Cup Highlights I predict that Spurs are going to win the Carling Cup this year. No idea why. 01.10 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 02.10 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.55 Riders and Rich Kids 03.20 World Sport 03.50 Motorsport UK 04.15 ITV Nightscreen

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 FILM: Big Momma's House ** 21.00 Breast Cancer: the Operation 00.30 Body Hits 01.00 Liquid Assets: Nicole Kidman's Millions 01.55 Ruby Does the Business 02.55 You, Me and Cancer So anyway, Kerrang! have finally done the right thing and put a picture of Rammstein dressed as military wives on the front of their magazine. I bought an album by the Leonard Cohen nobody cares about, Robin Hitchcock yesterday and it’s incredible. Will someone in this country PLEASE give The Arcade Fire a UK release for their album because the only version I’ve got is illegally obtained and I don’t fancy having the BPI knocking on my door demanding I hand over my PC and trousers in exchange for thirty years in the choker.

Particularly. They might confiscate my cassette collection too, the hounds. I now have a job, hooray, hooray. I work in MVC, so why not come on down, buy loads of CDs, and say hello?

06.00 CBBC: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.30 Bobinogs 06.45 Wide Eye 07.00 CBBC: Snailsbury Tales 07.15 Arthur 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 Serious Desert 08.25 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.50 Looney Tunes 09.00 Big Wolf on Campus 09.20 Watch My Chops 09.35 Taz-Mania 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 Come Outside 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 The Daily Politics 13.00 The Phil Silvers Show 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 Trade Secrets 14.10 FILM: My Life with Caroline ** 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19.00 HeadJam 19.30 The Booze Business: Consuming Spirits Nah mate, red wine. Six pounds from The Philharmonic. It’s called One Tree Hill, but it’s not a spin-off from the TV show unfortunately. It is, however, good shit.

20.00 Arctic: The Challenge 21.00 The Power of Nightmares: The Phantom Victory I don’t know what this is about, but that’s one hell of a promising title. I used to have a recurring nightmare when I was younger, about a black parrot that haunted a small village. God, I miss those days.

22.00 Arrested Development 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The New Americans 00.10 BBC Four on BBC Two: The New Americans 01.00 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC

What’s in a Word?

C4 1pm

14.00 Kings of Comedy 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Average Joe: Hawaii 19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 One Tree Hill Nice wine, shame about the TV show.

22.00 Kings of Comedy 22.30 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip The girls work in a Mississippi sausage factory, but create a mess by spraying meat all over the kitchen. Life doesn’t get better than this, folks.

23.00 Green Wing 00.05 Kings of Comedy: Late Night 00.35 Hollyoaks 01.05 No Angels 02.05 Green Wing 03.05 Kings of Comedy 03.30 Kings of Comedy: Late Night So anyway, my rap group that was formed early this summer, called The Boys of Summer, are currently writing our debut opus (currently untitled) which will be a concept album about life in medieval times retold through the eyes of a petrol attendant, a telemarketer and a kitchen porter. Anyone who has any ideas to contribute, send them to TV Desk.

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Animal Park 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Builders Sweat and Tears 11.30 Car Booty 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Chris' Sing-a-Long Wednesday: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 16.30 I Dream 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Boyd beats Sky at her own game. Being a reformed angst-ridden sex beast who now is dull as ditchwater given a lecture on the pros and cons of being grubby. Cow. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 Airport 20.00 What Not to Wear 21.00 British Isles: a Natural History: Taming the Wild 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 22.45 Max: a Lifetime of Laughter 23.20 Car Wars: Masters of Crime 00.20 FILM: Eye of the Beholder Sounds shit, but Eye of the Beholder is the title of a game I used to have on my Amiga 500. Not to be confused with Shadow of the Beast, which sucked. Get back to your iPods, nerds and stop disagreeing. ** 02.00 Sign Zone: Bank of Mum and Dad 03.00 Sign Zone: Terry Jones' Medieval Lives 03.30 Sign Zone:

The OC BBC2 8.45am

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Chris’ Sing-a-Long BBC1 15.25pm

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06.10 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens. 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 09.15 Ed 10.10 ER 11.00 Third Watch 11.50 At the Pictures 12.30 Cheers 13.00 What's in a Word?

Seriously good television. This’ll be my pick of the week. 13.15 FILM: The Way to the Stars 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.30 Hollyoaks Ali is concerned about Justin's blabbing. Shut your mouth woman, Justin’s great. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: We Are What We Do 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Grand Designs Abroad 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.05 Sex and the City 23.45 Sex and the City 00.20 Coming Up: Repeat after Me 00.55 How's Your News?

On the Campaign Trail 01.25 Outside: Amanda, the Prince Charming and the Baby 02.30 Outside: Walking with Walken Mockumentary in which a melancholic stand-up feels he is possessed by the spirit of Christopher Walken. Naturally.

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Thursday

October 25 2004

Page 27

karlkennedy’sbody@isactuallyquitenice.com

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 08.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 09.00 Little Monsters 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Max Magic 12.00 Dinotopia 13.50 Cribs 14.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 15.00 Best of Gamezville 16.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 17.00 The Simpsons 17.30 The Simpsons 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons Christ, Simpsons marathon. Coming to C4 very soon.20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 2 21.00 The 1970s Office 22.00 Law and Order 23.00 24 00.00 Best of Gamezville 00.50 Max Magic 01.40 Little Monsters 02.30 Dinotopia 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon Fill fill fill fill fill

07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 07.20 Pingu 07.30 Tecwyn y Tractor 07.45 Rala Rwdins 08.00 Planed Plant: Mona y Fampir 08.20 Waaa!

08.30 Dan Datrys 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Nikki 09.50 Nikki 10.15 Ed 11.05 Third Watch 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.45 Location, Location, Location 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Anifail am Wythnos 16.15 Chwilio am Long Harri Morgan 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Risg Big-money quiz show presented by Wales’ ambassador Sian Lloyd 21.00 O Gwgiedd i Bogota 22.00 Mostyn Fflint 'N Aye! 22.30 Bandit 23.00 Wife Swap A successful businesswoman from Leeds, trades places with Margaret from Wolverhampton who gets no description apart from her destination, which says it all really. And no, no complaints about abuse of Wolverhampton, I won’t do a Boris Johnson style apology if you moan. Anyway, my mum’s from Kidderminster so...so...so there.

00.00 The Sopranos 01.05 Monkey 02.00 FILM: Outside 03.00 Brazilian Football Championship Oh dear, Gary is cursing behind me about the server going down. Argh, big sigh, banging on table with fists.

Yikes. More cursing, and now he’s hopefully rectifying the problem. It’s looking promising.

Feck, how much more can I fill?

14.00 Your Face or Mine?

Mine please. 14.30 Average Joe: Hawaii 15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks One of the best things to watch these days. The ups and downs of Justin are riveting and the Steph and Debbie dress off was unmissable. Good to see Ben back on the scene but who is that awful fresher living with Zara and co?

Giving Londoners a bad name.

17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Average Joe: Hawaii 19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Kings of Comedy: Live Final 22.35 Six Feet Under 23.40 Curb Your Enthusiasm You know what, I’ll try, but TV Desk is just so much fun!

00.20 Hollyoaks 00.50 The West Wing 01.40 Kings of Comedy: Live Final 03.10 Your Face or Mine?

06.00 Sunrise normally happens before we wake. 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Mio Mao 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach For the second time, post deletion of a page I already wrote, I am writing this for a friend. A request, if you will. So Lauren, this one’s for you. I’ve never seen Sunset Beach, and it’s quite possibly shit, but you love it. So happy viewing! Enjoy seeing your name in print in this award-winning newspaper. LAUREN LAUREN LAUREN. 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser What are Liechtenstein’s two biggest exports? Answer below. 14.35 The Restaurant 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: Glory and Honor 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news False teeth and sausage skins.

19.30 Big Art Challenge 20.00 FILM: Six Days, Seven Nights With Harrison Ford and Anne Heche.

22.00 FILM: Romy and Michele's High School Reunion Is this good? I dunno. I’m a veritable film buff eh? You gotta love me. Please. 23.50 Sex and the Settee 00.15 Sex and the Settee 00.40 World Series Baseball: Game Five 02.45 European Drag Racing 03.10 Golf: The Challenge 03.35 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classics: Benn v Eubank Classics? The words barrel, bottom and scraping come to mind.

04.30 Portuguese Football

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09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Dancing in the Street 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.55 The Block Australia 20.50 Movies Now 21.00 FILM: Volcano With Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche. (Disaster, 1997) 23.00 World's Deadliest Storms 00.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.35 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.05 The John Walsh Show 02.45 Teleshopping 04.45 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman I’m hoping you went out by now, and came back too drunk to watch TV.

Sex and the Setee five 11.50pm

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Fun Song Factory 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Scary Sleepover 16.30 Barking!

17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Chloe turns up the heat on Chastity, fnarr.

19.30 Stage by Stage 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 The Frank Skinner Show With Franz Ferdinand and Bryan Macfadden. What an eclectic mix. I wonder if they’ll organise a groundbreaking duet.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Frank Skinner Show 23.30 The Guest List Music and youth culture.

Nobsta and Slice are amazed by 17-year-old trumpeter and back-flipper, Chantz. What the frig? Also appearing - Along Came Man, the Delays and Ian Broudie. Yes, he’s still going.

00.00 Soccer Night 00.30 Wolf Lake 01.15 Shoot The Writers 01.40 Strictly Soho 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Jeez, why is there nothing to write about tonight? Ok, alternatives for Thursday night: Molokos for Drum and Bass, Erasmus night at the End (which I should be going to if I ever get out of this hole), watch a DVD, make shepherd’s pie, do some friggin’ work, sleep, pest, whatever, just don’t watch tonight’s TV.

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Body Hits: Tumour Trouble 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Fat Nation on Three 21.30 My Brother's Cancer 22.00 Cancer Short: EastEnders I guess it’s a cancer special tonight. Nice.

It says here though that Demi plans her biggest scam yet, but this time the joke's on her. Alfie reaches breaking point with Kat and Zoe. Where’s the cancer? Dot not in tonight?

22.30 Hurrah for Cancer Yeah, hurrah. Good God, BBC Three stoops to all-time low.

Next week, Hurrah for AIDS. Ouch. 23.00 Wedding Stories 00.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 00.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 00.55 Liquid Assets: Tom Cruise's Millions 01.55 Body Hits 02.25 Fat Nation on Three

06.00 CBBC: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.30 Bobinogs 06.45 Wide Eye 07.00 CBBC: Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge 07.05 Snailsbury Tales 07.15 Arthur 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 Serious Desert 08.25 Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo 08.50 Looney Tunes 09.00 Big Wolf on Campus 09.20 Watch My Chops 09.35 Taz-Mania 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 Come Outside 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 FILM: Oliver the Eighth 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Trade Secrets 13.20 FILM: Champagne for Caesar 15.00 The Flying Gardener 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two Does it have to? Really?

Think this must be more vulgar dancing malarky. Yum. 19.00 HeadJam 19.30 Iolo's Natural History of Wales: Shaping the Landscape 20.00 Natural World: Desert Wolves of India 20.50 Wild: Stately Stoats Oooh, more Bill Oddie, get in. I know his brother, looks exactly the same as Bill except lives in Somerset and is somewhat less successful. Smokes a pipe which has stained his whispy beard. Sad really.

21.00 Horizon 21.50 Trouble at the Top: Luton Kicks Off 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The New Americans 00.10 BBC Four on BBC Two: The New Americans 01.40 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Mad About Music

Scary Sleepover ITV 4pm

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Animal Park 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Builders Sweat and Tears 11.30 Car Booty 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Sue's Make and Do Thursday: Big Cook Little Cook 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Mona the Vampire 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 The Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Does Darcy know Izzy's secret?

Aren’t you just loving Toadie’s eyepatch? Creates a certain I Don’t Know What about him.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Should I Worry About...? My ingrown toenails, your facial twitch, mouldy cheese?

19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Too Close for Comfort 20.30 Fat Nation: the Big Challenge 21.00 Crimewatch UK 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Crimewatch UK 22.45 Dragon's Eye 23.15 Question Time 00.15 This Week 01.00 FILM: I Don't Want to Be Born With Joan Collins and Eileen Atkins. Think a comma would work well there, although I prefer it without.

(Horror, Too right! 1976) 02.35 Sign Zone: Panorama 03.15 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 04.05 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 04.35 Joins BBC News 24 Having a shit day, shit day.

Headjam BBC2 7pm

M

BBC1 7.00pm

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Should I worry about...?

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06.10 The Hoobs Preschool fun. 06.35 The Hoobs Preschool fun. 07.00 B4 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.55 The Bernie Mac Show 09.20 Ed 10.10 ER 11.55 Today's Special 12.30 Cheers 13.00 What's in a Word? 13.15 FILM: Carrington VC 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: We Are What We Do 20.00 Beyond River Cottage 20.30 No Going Back: Chaos at the Castle 21.00 Teenage Transsexuals 22.00 FILM: 8MM (Thriller, 1999) 00.20 Eurotrash 00.45 Line Of Fire 01.45 ER 02.45 Freesports on 4: Skateboarding and Breakdancing 03.30 Freesportsthe. 03.55 KOTV 04.25 Trans World Sport 05.20 Countdown

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Friday

Page 28

October 25 2004

robincook@freshlysqueezedgingersnaps.gov.uk

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Movies Now 19.00 Orange Playlist 19.30 The Planet's Funniest Animals 20.00 Package Holiday 21.00 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 22.00 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Nightmare on Coronation Street A nostalgic look back at some of the scariest characters to feature in the popular soap, including Brenda, Maya and Dicky Hillman. Dicky????

00.00 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 01.00 The Frank Skinner Show 01.35 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 02.00 Late Show with David Letterman 02.55 Teleshopping 04.55 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late TV Desk officially give the thumbs up to the film “Saw”

Wedding Stories five 11.05pm

07.00 Ribidires 07.20 Pingu 07.30 Sam Tan 07.45 Rala Rwdins 08.00 Planed Plant: Mona y Fampir Is this like a Welsh version of Mona the Vampire? I think we should be told. 08.20 Waaa! 08.30 Dan Datrys 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Nikki 09.50 King of Queens 10.15 Ed 11.05 Third Watch 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Sam Tan 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.45 Location, Location, Location 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.005.00): Uned 5 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Rownd a Rownd 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Risg 21.00 Mawr 21.30 Property Ladder 22.35 FILM: My Best Friend's Wedding *** 00.30 Green Wing This IS the best thing on TV at the moment.

This, The X Factor and Hollyoaks actually, but if I’m being serious, this is the best. Especially since it has the guy who was Adrian Mole in The Cappucino Years in it. 01.30 Kings of Comedy 02.35 FIM Motocross World Championships 03.00 Freesports on 4: Downhill Mountainbiking 04.20 Freesports on 4: Surfing and Flatland BMX You know, you’d be surprised how many people say “So, do you get to see all the programs before you write this listings?” This is something I should save for “TV Desk - the book” but the answer is simple.

Does it look like we fucking do?

Have you actually ever bothered to read the amateurish pish we drivel on here? No!

06.00 Kong 06.30 Transformers: Armada 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 08.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 09.00 Little Monsters 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Max Magic 12.00 Dinotopia 13.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 15.00 Best of Gamezville 16.00 Malcolm in the Middle 16.30 Oliver Beene 17.00 The Simpsons 17.30 The Simpsons 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Battlestar Galactica 21.00 The Ultimate Playboy Brad turns off the girls with his oily charm. Oily underwear more like. I wouldn’t trust anyone called unless they proved via the process of surfboarding, that they were worthy of the name.

22.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 22.05 FILM: Escape from LA *** 00.00 Best of Gamezville 00.50 Max Magic 01.40 Little Monsters 02.30 Dinotopia 04.20 Hot Love

14.00 Your Face or Mine?

14.30 Average Joe: Hawaii 15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends The One where everyone urinates on each other.

Oh the hilarity 18.00 Average Joe: Hawaii 19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Faking It: The T4 Specials 22.00 FILM: The Opposite of Sex **** Christina Ricci gets randy with a succession of gays.

00.00 Green Wing 01.00 Hollyoaks 01.30 Faking It: The T4 Specials 02.30 The Secret Life of Us 03.15 Line of Fire As I was saying, Chris Moyles is releasing a single, called “Dogs Don’t Kill People, Rabbits Do” by his band Mouldy Looking Stain.

Excuse me while I piss myself laughing for a second.....there, that’s better. Didn’t anyone think to tell him that if you’re going to parody something, don’t parody something that’s already a parody in the first place, it doesn’t work. It’s like, the worst joke ever. I still like car park catchphrase though, I will admit. The fortunate prat. I’m so hungover.

This is unconnected.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 MechaNick 09.10 Softies 09.15 Mio Mao 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Restaurant Yo, what exactly is this? Is it a reality show we’ve never heard of, or is it a fly-on-the-wall documentary?

Qu’est-ce que c’est? 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: Mrs 'Arris Goes to Paris ** Mmmm mmm doesn’t this film sound good? Why yes, doesn’t it? I think you should watch it, don’t you?

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 House Doctor: Ann's Top Ten! 20.00 How to be a Property Developer 21.00 House Doctor: Inside and Out 22.00 Gender Swap 23.00 FILM: Jumpin' Jack Flash Cack sounding dross starring Whoopi Goldberg who knows how to ruin a perfectly average film. Plus it’s also named after a useless Stones song. ** 00.55 FILM: The Survivors ** 02.35 FILM: Crimes and Misdemeanours **** 04.15 Russell Grant's Postcards Now here’s an example of a situation where I don’t wish I was there.

God, Roni Size is playing downstairs and the bass is rumbling right up to the top floor of the Union. I feel sick. 04.25 Melrose Place 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and

PRIMETIME

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Everything Must Go 14.00 Moving Day 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.00 Finger Tips 16.20 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 Help! I'm A Teenage Outlaw 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather The latest national and international news.

19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Nightmare on Coronation Street 21.00 Rosemary and Thyme 22.00 Tarrant on TV 22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Frank Skinner Show Jamelia and Franz Ferdinand, who both perform live in the studio, and Bryan McFadden guffs it up by stroking his unkept facial hair a bit and says “I tort Id triteah do it sorloo yerno? On a similar note, has anyone noticed how monumentally haggard Daniel Bedingfield’s looking these days? Natasha used to be the younger sister who’d you want to fuck but didn’t want to invade Danny’s space. But now, the nation are fucking Nat like rabbits having a Sunday lie-in, and Dan turns up like the loserish stoner older brother he should be. Woah.

00.00 Dan and Dusty 00.35 FILM: The Frighteners *** 02.30 Orange Playlist 03.00 Grounded for Life 03.25 Entertainment Now! 03.50 Mixmasters 04.15 CD:UK

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Tumour Trouble 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 21.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 22.00 Cancer Short: EastEnders 22.30 Outlaws 23.00 New Little Britain Apparently the new series is rubbish, with the focus on gross-out humour, rather than actual laughs. The Van Wilder approach to comedy, then.

23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.30 Outlaws 02.00 Blood on the Turntable Chav DJ’s Tim Westwood and Mike Davies fight for broken teeth and fractured elbows in the soundclash to end all soundclashes.

My money’s on Timmy.

02.55 Wedding Stories

06.00 CBBC: Big Cook Little Cook 06.20 Tots TV 06.30 Bobinogs 06.45 Wide Eye 07.00 Snailsbury Tales 07.15 Arthur 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 Serious Desert 08.25 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 08.45 Serious Desert 09.10 Big Wolf on Campus 09.30 CBBC Great North Party 10.00 CBeebies: Balamory 10.20 Come Outside 10.40 Tweenies 11.00 FILM: The Midnight Patrol *** 11.20 FILM: The Invisible Man *** 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 The Phil Silvers Show 13.55 FILM: Universal Horror *** 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19.00 HeadJam 19.30 Hidden Gardens 20.00 A Year at Kew 20.30 Gardeners' World 21.00 Timewatch: The Secrets of the Mary Rose 21.50 The Planets - Brief Encounters: Birth and Death 22.00 QI Stephen Fry 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland Manic Street Preachers, Kings of Leon, Nick Cave, Willy Mason and Ringo Starr. Decrepit, haggard, legend, nobody, big-nosed git. In that order.

00.40 FILM: The Wolf Man *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Wembley Stadium: Venue of Legends 02.30 Passing Judgements 03.00 The British Family: Sources and Myths 03.30 The French Revolution: Impact and Sources 04.00 Democracy in the Making 04.30 From Here to Modernity 05.00 Jump over

Film: The Frighteners ITV1 12.35am

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Animal Park 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Builders Sweat and Tears 11.30 Car Booty 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Pizza, Popcorn and the President 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote Cunt, I wrote15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Nicole's Furry Friends Friday: Binka 15.35 The Koala Brothers 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 16.30 The Basil Brush Show 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 A Question of Sport With Iain Dowie, who is bogie personified.

19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 All about Me 21.00 French and Saunders 21.30 Have I Got News for You With guest host Robin Cook. Won’t be as good as when Jack Dee presented it.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross. With Barbara Windsor, Geri Halliwell, and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Music comes from Shed Seven The Killers.

23.35 FILM: Terminal Velocity ***Film about a failed skydiver who dies, but strangely is also alive and conveniently a KGB agent. Plot the last thing on your mind that day, scriptwriters?

01.10 FILM: Dead Ahead Which is what I’ll be if I don’t get my act together with writing this bollocks tonight. **

Film: The Opposite of Sex E4 10pm

PRIMETIME

Kings of Comedy BBC1 7.30pm

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As S4C except: 06.05 Animal Alphabet 06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 The Bernie Mac Show 09.15 Ed 10.10 ER 11.00 Third Watch 11.50 At the Pictures 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.25 Entente Cordiale: Rendez-vous 13.30 Entente Cordiale: Trompe l'oeil 13.35 FILM: King's Rhapsody *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.35 The West Wing 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends.

21.30 Green Wing 22.40 FILM: South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut **** 00.10 Kings of Comedy 01.15 4 Music: UK Music Hall of Fame The makers of this need a good drubbing having Joy Division in the eighties one, when they only existed for five months in the eighties, and more or less their entire recorded output was created, recorded and released in the seventies, but never mind, eh?

Good effort, if you’re musically ignorant and also deaf.

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Saturday

october 25 - October 31 2004

Page 29

ifit’smeyouwanti’llbeintheshitter@ladylike.orgy

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 11.50 Quincy, ME 12.50 Quincy, ME 13.50 The Planet's Funniest Animals 14.10 CD:UK 15.10 Felicity 16.00 Undeclared 16.30 Undeclared 17.00 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 18.00 The Block Australia 18.50 The Planet's Funniest Animals 19.15 Orange Playlist Today's guest is Nicky Wire, desperately trying to salvage what’s left of the Manics’ credibility.

19.45 It's Good to Be... Nicole Kidman I bet - Lenny Kravitz is sex on legs! Yeah, I know they’re not together anymore. That’s not the point. 20.25 The Xtra Factor 21.25 The Planet's Funniest Animals 21.55 Movies Now 22.10 The Xtra Factor Result Who goes? YOU decide.

22.40 FILM: The Silence of the Lambs Have the lambs stopped screaming yet Clarissa? 00.55 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

01.55 (BST) Jerry Springer 01.30 (GMT) Teleshopping 03.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.00 Emmerdale Omnibus Sandra buys Giles a willy warmer for his 40th and Jessop escapes through a gap in the fence

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 Creature Comforts 12.50 Coronation Street Omnibus 15.05 FILM: A High Wind in Jamaica 17.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather Regional news roundup.

17.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather News update, 17.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 18.00 The X Factor Frigging Tabby got through of course, Sharon’s play-mate.

As did Verity, the 50-year-old divorcee (Cowell’s bit of stuff.) Rowetta who used to be in the Happy Mondays is through too.

19.15 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.25 The X Factor Result So it’s down to three with each mentor. Viewers get to get rid of one tonight though. Down with the Charlotte Church doppelganger, up with the barber shop quartet!

22.10 Parkinson Sharon Osbourne gets even more TV coverage with a Parky interview.

Music from the Scissor Sisters.

23.15 ITV News 23.30 FILM: Long Time Dead With Joe Absolom and Lukas Haas.

(Horror, 2002) 01.15 (BST) FILM: Tim Burton's The Nightmare before Christmas 01.30 (GMT) CD:UK 02.20 FILM: Heart Full of Rain With Rick Schroder and Richard Crenna. 03.50 Shoot The Writers 04.15 Entertainment Now! 04.40 Get Stuffed! 04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Oooh, the bass of Roni Size has begun. I love a bit of Roni, me.

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19.00 Liquid Assets: Nicole Kidman's Millions 20.00 The Big C Lisa Snowdon and Reggie Yates host a pop event live from Alexandra Palace, featuring Razorlight, lostprophets, Lemar, Goldie Looking Chain, Delta Goodrem and Brian McFadden. How is Lisa Snowdon suddenly so cool? Does being George Clooney’s shag automatically throw you into prime time telly? Actually love, you’re forgiven, it’s only BBC Three. And is Delta Goodrem still with Mark Philipousas? Lucky thing. I should start a gossip page.

21.40 Spooks 22.40 Little Britain 23.10 My Life in Film Would be Oscar-winning. I’d have Heidi Klum playing me, people say we look alike. Pah! 23.40 The Graham Norton Effect Don’t forget to put your clocks back on Saturday night extra hour in bed, woo!

00.30 Good Girls Don't 00.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.20 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.50 Slam Poets 01.45 Bush for a Day Lonely men get a woman for 24-hours.

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Bill's Food 12.00 See Hear 12.50 FILM: Sands of the Kalahari *** 14.45 The Sand Marathon 15.45 The Rockford Files 16.35 The Return of Sherlock Holmes 17.30 What the Papers Say 17.40 Flog It! Shall I, shat I? Ah heck, FNARR!!!

18.40 FILM: Two Rode Together With James Stewart and Richard Widmark. (Western, 1961) 20.25 Magic: Close Up Magic 21.25 Venice: Sex Intruiging. My housemate may have something to add for this one. Has anyone done it in a gondola?

22.25 FILM: The Governess With Minnie Driver and Tom Wilkinson. (Drama, 1997) 00.15 FILM: The Great Gatsby With Mira Sorvino and Toby Stephens. (Drama, 2000) 01.50 (BST) What the Victorians Did for Us 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: (GMT) Talk Spanish 1-6 Yes, do. Talk Spanish, it is good. I must speak more: if any nice Spanish people are reading this, mail me. Which leads me to another important issue I feel I must address: fanmail. I recognise that Holly was a popular member of TV Desk, thus receiving the odd bit of mail. I should say, however, that if you have sent me mail, it’s probably stuck in the Post Office, a back-log of it, no doubt. I will express my gratitude now, in advance to those who sent me stuff. To those who haven’t yet been brave enough to confess your admiration of me, do not be scared by my growing popularity - I will read every piece I receive and treasure it dearly. 02.30 Spanish Journey

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Zoids 07.30 What about Mimi?

08.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 09.00 Gamezville 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling 13.00 Dream Team 14.00 Gamezville 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 The Simpsons 17.30 The Simpsons 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 2 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stargate Atlantis 22.00 Hex 23.00 Street Wars 00.00 World Wrestling: Smackdown 01.50 (BST) TV Meltdown 01.40 (GMT) Hot Love 02.30 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.20 Star Trek: Voyager 04.10 What about Mimi? 04.35 What about Mimi? 05.00 It’s on again twice but there’s no room. Woop woop. Except now I made the font the right size and now there’s loads of flangeing room, goddamn it! TV John just told me of his misfortune this morning: being hit by the bonnet of a hearse. What a freaky omen! I sincerely hope not.

The Dead Zone five 8.30pm

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Adventure Triathlon 2004 07.55 Trans World Sport Back in the day when I worked at 9 on a Sunday morning, this would be my Pick of the Week. Somehow it’s not good enough to lure me out of bed at this hour without being paid. 08.55 The Morning Line 09.55 Scrapheap Challenge 10.55 hit40uk 11.25 The OC 12.15 One Tree Hill 13.05 King of Queens 13.30 T4 Movie Special 14.00 Channel 4 Racing from Wetherby and Newmarket 16.05 Atlantic Britain 16.30 Force of Nature Farts.

17.00 Newyddion News.

17.10 Y Clwb Rygbi: Cross Keys v Neath 19.25 Y Clwb Pel-Droed 20.00 Newyddion News.

20.15 Twrio 21.20 Risg 21.50 FILM: The English Patient with Ralph Fiennes and Kristin Scott Thomas. Epic romantic drama, set at the end of World War II, in which a badly burnt - and unidentified - pilot recounts to the nurse tending him a doomed love affair with a colleague's wife. Adapted from Michael Ondaatje's Booker Prize-winning novel, the film won nine Oscars, including Best Picture, Director and Supporting Actress.(Drama, 1996) 00.45 Father Ted 01.15 Eurotrash 01.45 (BST) Make Me a Perfect Wife 01.45 (GMT) Kings of Comedy 02.40 The Breeders' Cup 2004 03.10 Honda Formula 4-Stroke Powerboating Championships 03.35 Freesports on 4: Surfing and Flatland BMX 04.00 Porsche Carrera Cup 04.25 KOTV Ahh, pizza came at a reasonable time tonight, lush. Brain food. Now my TV pages will be orgasmic. Fnarr.

14.00 hit40uk 14.25 Hollyoaks Omnibus More fun and frolicking from the freshers bunch. What a superbly alliterative sentence! Seriously though, I love this soap at the moment. Lee doing his beautyology course is genius!

16.35 hit40uk 17.00 Friends 17.30 The OC A programme about rich Americans.

18.30 The OC A programme about rich Americans.

19.30 The OC A programme about rich Americans.

20.30 Friends A programme about six friends who sit around, drink coffee and occasionally shag. 21.00 Teachers A programme about school teachers such as TV Manners.

22.00 The Joe Schmo Show 23.00 Bo' Selecta!

23.30 Porn: A Family Business 00.10 Porn: A Family Business 00.40 Line of Fire 01.35 (BST) Teachers 01.35 (GMT) Bo' Selecta! 02.05 The Joe Schmo Show 02.45 Porn: A Family Business 03.15 Porn: A Family Business The family business must be quite successful if there are four episodes of it tonight.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards Today, Russell sends us greetings from Taunton. A visit to the museum gave him more than he expected and Saturday night in Dellers blagged him a 16-year-old Russian who picks grapes for a living. 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus This is officially the hardest channel I’ve ever done - how much more must I write to fill the space? More? More? More?

That’s it. 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.00 RAD - The Groms Tour America 11.30 Xcalibur 12.00 Beyblade 12.30 Duel Masters 13.00 Combat Club 13.30 The Chart Programme about the chart, featuring innovative artists such as Maroon 5, The Thrills and U2.

14.00 Dawson's Creek 14.55 FILM: Sophia Loren: Her Own Story 17.45 FILM: Captain Ron With Kurt Russell and Martin Short. (Comedy, 1992) 19.25 Charmed 20.15 five news 20.30 The Dead Zone Paranormal drama series.

After six years in a coma following a near-fatal car accident, Johnny Smith awakens to discover he has psychic abilities. Wow, someone run me over now!

21.25 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Programme about the investigation of a crime scene 22.20 Murder Prevention Learn how to prevent a murder.

23.25 Law and Order Programme about law and order 00.25 (BST) World Series Baseball: Game Three A game of basketball. 04.20 (GMT) The Invaders 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters A programme about sons and daughters?

Your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBBC: Astro Boy 07.20 The Mummy 07.45 Arthur 08.10 Taz-Mania 08.35 The Scooby-Doo Show 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Racing from Lingfield and Chepstow 14.35 Around the Grounds 14.45 Gymnastics: Glasgow Grand Prix 15.45 Football Half-Times 15.55 Gymnastics: Glasgow Grand Prix Cool, nothing like a bit of gymnastics on a Saturday morning. Makes a nice change from horse racing which makes me wanna die.

16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.25 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.45 Only Fools and Horses Such a sad state of affairs that this is prime time Saturday night, STILL. 18.35 Strictly Come Dancing 19.45 National Lottery 20.25 Strictly Come Dancing 20.50 Casualty 21.40 My Family Christmas Special The only reason I watch this is for Nick, aka Kris Martian. As TV John says, he’s the new Fonz who simply has to say one word to get a round of applause and to turn a shit programme into something watchable.

22.10 BBC News; Weather 22.30 Match of the Day 00.00 FILM: Eyes of Laura Mars With Faye Dunaway and Tommy Lee Jones. (Thriller, 1978) 01.40 FILM: Persecution With Lana Turner and Trevor Howard. 02.20 (GMT) Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 03.20 They Think It's All Over 03.50 A Question of Sport

The X Factor ITV 6pm + 9.25pm

P R I M E T I M E

Flog It! BBC2 5.40pm

BBC1 5.45pm

PRIMETIME

Only Fools + Horses

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09.55 T4: hit40uk Music show featuring the latest hits and music videos with a countdown of the hit40uk chart and a look at the top five albums this week.

10.25 T4: The OC 11.25 T4: Friends 11.55 T4: One Tree Hill 12.55 T4: Kings of Comedy 16.05 FILM: The Cowboys With John Wayne and Roscoe Lee Browne. (Western, 1972) 18.20 Unreported World: El Comandante 18.50 Channel 4 News 19.20 God Bless America: With God on Our Side.

Well I’ll be praying on November 2, then. 21.25 FILM: The English Patient With Ralph Fiennes and Kristin Scott Thomas. (Drama, 1996) 00.20 Green Wing 01.35 (BST) FILM: Bhoot With Urmila Matondkar and Ajay Devgan. (Horror, 2003) 03.10 Countdown Today’s conundrum is DONCROUMN. Six out of ten for difficulty. Good luck. 03.55 Brazilian Football Footballers with no pubes. Or is that Hollywood Football?

Championship: Flamengo v Santos 05.40 Pelswick Excuse me? Just. A. Few. More. Words.

To. Go. And. I’m. Done. Bye!

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Sunday

Page 30

October 25 - 31 2004

mincingjohn@casino_for_dummies.co.uk

09.25 The X Factor 10.40 The X Factor Result 11.25 The Xtra Factor Result 11.55 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 13.05 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.50 Emmerdale Secrets: Double Acts Key members of the cast show how they use a double ender much to the delight of that dirty ole bastard farmer guy Mr Chuff.

18.50 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.00 The X Factor 21.15 The Xtra Factor 22.15 The X Factor Result 23.00 The Xtra Factor Result Well done ITV2, three and a half hours of utter wank. 23.35 Coronation Street 00.05 Undeclared 00.30 The Frank Skinner Show 01.30 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 02.25 Orange Playlist 02.50 Jerry Springer 03.30 Teleshopping 05.30 ITV2 Nightscreen

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 08.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 09.00 Gamezville 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Malcolm in the Middle 13.00 America's Dumbest Criminals 13.30 Sky Travel Shop 14.00 Gamezville 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 The Simpsons 17.30 The Simpsons 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Oliver Beene 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Hex 22.00 Mile High 23.00 The 1970s Office 00.00 Cold Case of beer is the only thing that makes this show bearable. 01.00 Law and Order

Wishbone five 11.00am

14.00 Britney Spears: Live from Miami By live they mean that shes mouthing some vague hint of a lyric while fondling her ‘virginal’ breasts and deciding which orifice she will offer to her next husband of the month.

15.40 Can You Pull...

Britney? 16.10 The Next Joe Millionaire 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 18.30 The OC 19.30 One Tree Hill 20.30 Friends 21.00 The Joe Schmo Show 22.00 The Sopranos 23.10 Six Feet Under 00.25 Curb Your Enthusiasm Don’t worry, i’ve been a post-grad for about two months and there’s not a hint of it left. 01.00 One Tree Hill 01.55 The Joe Schmo Show 02.40 The Sopranos Today’s listing has been brought to you with the help of the superb Ataris live album, At The Metro. Go buy it now. Go on...please?

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy cos he’s pissed off that he only gets 15 minutes and the bear and his house get 35 minutes. I reckon the bear would beat the shit out of noddy cos all his bitches will help. Danm horny bear in his porno house. 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie What the fuck happened to good kids’ TV?! We need to bring back Thundercats, Kask and Pugwall’s Summer. ‘Nobody tells me what to do...no not me’. 09.05 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs An insight into the lives of the people who spend their evenings in Incognitos. 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge Can you shave her funhole with a blunt spoon? 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life 12.05 FAQ 12.35 The Great Artists 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 FILM: Baywatch: Trapped beneath the Sea ** Nirvina has truly been reached. A whole film of bouncing lovelies. David Hasslehoff tries to dig his way to his fanbase in Germany but gets stuck.

Pam rips her implants out and Dave uses them to slowly drift to the surface. Happiness is...

15.20 FILM: Hatari! *** 18.10 five news and sport 18.20 FILM: George of the Jungle *** 20.00 The Human Chimp I think he works for the gair rhydd but I’ve gotta get the proof.

21.00 FILM: Planet of the Apes ** 23.15 World's Wildest Police 00.15 World Series Baseball: Game Seven 04.00 2004 X Games

PRIMETIME

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 ICC Cricket World 2004 07.20 Honda Formula 4Stroke Powerboating Championships 07.50 Weird World of Sport 08.20 Freesports on 4: Red Bull Rail Storm 2004 An amusing twist on go-karting where contestants have to drink red bull then drive along railway tracks and see if they can actually grow wings and fly before they get completely fucked by central trains. 08.50 Chancers 09.20 The Making of Shrek 2: Meet the Parents They always have bollocks interviewers who never ask Eddie Murphy the most important question on the tip of all our tongues...what was it like having a donkey willy?

Actually I don’t want a donkey willy on the tip of my tongue.

10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 FILM: The Belles of St Trinian's **** 14.30 Stargate SG-1 15.15 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 16.00 Dudley Ah wow. A whole programme dedicated to the shithole that is the centre of the black country. I’ve spent many an interesting evening in Dudley trying to get to JB’s (like TJ’s) whilst avoiding drunken burberry cunts demonstrating how pint of stella can actually help a marriage in the long run.

16.30 04 Wal 17.00 Welsh in a Week 17.30 Newyddion News.

17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Y Sioe Gelf 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cerdded y Llinell 21.00 Talcen Caled 21.55 Newyddion News.

22.05 Noson Nwydus Calan Gaeaf 23.35 UK Music Hall of Fame 01.40 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 02.40 FILM: Bhoot *** The incredible adventures of an Indian shoe.

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Art Attack 09.50 How II 10.05 Finger Tips 10.30 The Championship 11.15 My Favourite Hymns 12.15 St Jimmy's 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.15 British Touring Cars: Season Review 15.00 World Rally Championship 15.55 Goodnight Mister Tom 18.00 In Fine Voice 18.30 News and Weather It’s going to rain, again.

18.40 ITV News 19.00 Emmerdale Chloe's plan succeeds and she acts the injured party when Chas kicks off. Sadie decides not to leave Home Farm when Zoe arrives. Victoria causes problems for Robert and Katie.

19.30 Coronation Street Sunita deteriorates, and an unexpected ally could be the missing link for Dev. Has Liz got Shelley's best interests at heart when she returns to face Charlie?

20.00 Heartbeat Newby flower girl Petal arrives in town showing off her blowjob lips and brazilian wax. Why do they never swear in this programme?!

One day the policemen will understand what the 60s was about and fuck the job for pot all day. They could move up the drug classifications and the show could become a much more amusing, ‘Still got a...’

21.00 Foyle's War 23.00 ITV News 23.10 The New World War 00.20 It's My Life its my life my golden dream. At least I think that’s how the song went.

Damn forgetful alcohol! 00.55 Motorsport UK 01.20 World Rally Championship

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19.00 End of Story 20.00 Liquid Assets: Beyonce's Millions 21.00 Wedding Stories 22.00 Michael Flatley: King Of Clubs This is actually a typo. It’s meant to read ‘King Of Cunts’ but everyone is scared of Mikey’s mortal kombat finishing move where he manages to kick a head clean off in two mincing steps. 23.00 New Little Britain Cardiff town centre. 23.30 The Real Little Britain 00.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Yeah good one.

This tells the story of a naive fresher who unwittingly believed he could be served in the Taf on a saturday night before his life ran out. All we know is what he ordered. His name is Robert Palson, his name is Robert Palson...

00.55 Liquid Assets: Beyonce's Millions 01.55 Wedding Stories *SPOILER* They get divorced. 02.50 End of Story Finito.

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers Here’s a story for you.

We just had free pizza after I had a shit without any toilet paper. That bbq sauce on the pizza really tasted fruitier than ever but i don’t think anyone’s noticed yet. Don’t tell. 07.00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 07.05 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Style 12.00 Future is Wild and is full of tiny, manic, pink pixies.

And they enjoy pissing through your letterbox. 12.25 Sunday Grandstand 12.30 Sport + 12.45 MotoGP: Valencia 14.00 Gymnastics: Glasgow Grand Prix 15.45 Rugby League: GB v Australia 16.30 Rumble in the Jungle between monkies.

17.00 Scrum V 17.30 Wild Summer River 17.40 Elephants of Samburu 18.10 Natural World: Desert Wolves of India 19.00 Get a New Life 20.00 Top Gear 21.00 The Fight 22.00 Have I Got News for You Yeah I have. TV Manners is slowly taking over the paper.

I’m wearing lacy holdups too, hence the nickname TV... 22.30 Match of the Day 2 23.15 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 23.45 Room 101 00.15 FILM: Bandolero! *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners: Reading Skills That fucking cat sat on the shitting mat. See, reading for adults and not one bit patronising. 03.00 IT for Work 04.00 IT for Retirement 05.00 New Arrivals Fuck me, i’ve only been here a few hours and already there’s a film about me sitting at a desk. Genius.

There’s this really good scene in the union lift between me and a member of Xpress. I’ll tell if you won’t...

The Belles of St Trinians ITV 1.00pm

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 08.10 Match of the Day 09.30 Breakfast with Frost 10.30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.30 Countryfile 12.30 The Politics Show 13.30 Shoebox Zoo 13.55 EastEnders 15.50 The Blue Planet 16.50 Points of View Mmm tasty. So after carefully dispatching TV Holly and dumping her body somewhere in roath park, I, TV Manners have taken her place. I’ve sufficiently pissed around my desk to mark my territory. Seriously, TV is gonna get fucking shit now I’m here. No, I mean it, go and buy a cheap TV guide cos at least that doesn’t make your ring burn when you wipe.

17.10 Songs of Praise How is this programme still on?!

It would be much more interesting if every week some local village church was gatecrashed by ritualistic trick or treaters. At least it would get the annoying little 10 year old cunts off my street on Halloween. They never seem to get the message even when you hand them excrement as their ‘treat’. 17.45 Raphael: A Mortal God 18.45 Antiques Roadshow 19.35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: The Chosen One Panorama chronicles the billiondollar race for the White House from within the critical battleground of Florida and goes on the stump with radical filmmaker Michael Moore. Thought I would leave the real listing in here as some people might find this interesting. Wouldn’t it be ironic if Mr Bush drowned in his own oil? 22.55 On Show

Get A New Life BBC2 7.00pm

P

Panorama: Chosen One BBC1 10.15pm

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! 029 20709922

CH4. As S4C except: 08.50 T4: The Making of Shrek 2: Meet the Parents 09.30 T4: Popworld 10.20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 13.00 T4: Friends 13.30 T4: Chancers 14.05 T4: The OC 15.05 T4: Friends 15.40 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 16.40 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.30 Battle Stations: F-18 Hornet 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 21.00 UK Music Hall of Fame 23.10 FILM: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer ** You know who you are. We’ve got the pictures and if you’re not careful the paper will be alive with the sound of you fornication. 01.05 FILM: Darna Mana Hai ** 03.20 Dice Life 03.45 The White House for Sale 04.45 Unreported World: El Comandante 05.05 Countdown cos there’s only a few lines left...see. 05.50 Pelswick

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Five Minute Fun

October 25 2004

Page 31

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

The Big Quiz* By ‘big’, I mean ‘quite small’.

1. Whose performance at last night’s gair rhydd/Quench social was most humiliating?

A: Dr Matt’s lame early depar ture B: Gar y’s woeful dancing C: Sarah and Sarah getting more wankered than either of them would care to remember D: News’ Dave’s shameless womanising E: All of the above 2. Which of the following are not meteorological terms, but are in fact porn stars?

A: Jet Stream

Summer Cummings Busty Dusty Winter Solstice All of the above

WOULD YOU RATHER...?

3. Which of the phrases below is the Hungarian for ‘may you be eaten alive by a festering wound’?

A: Viszket a pundja!

B: Faszkalap!

C: Seggedbe!

D: Rosseb egye meg!

E: Valag!

4. Manchester City (it could be worse, I might have mentioned Exeter City) celebrated their Centenar y in which year?

A: 3004 B: 2004 C: 1994 D: 1996 E: None of the above

Annsummers: 1.E; 2.B & C; 3D although all are genuine insults to use on your housemates; 4.C

?

B: C: D: E:

It’s quite simple really, just decide which of the following options would be most preferable.

Oh yeah, the third option is DIE, horribly.

A) Catch your parents shagging B) Be caught shagging by your parents A) Death by drowning B) Death by fire A) Eat your favourite pet B) Be eaten by your favourite pet A) Be the love child of George Bush B) Be the love child of Rober t Kilroy-Silk

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Here I am in the gair rhydd office, again. It seems I spend a disproportionately long amount of time producing the anti-climax that is Five Minute Fun. Never mind, at least I can lie convincingly to myself about having done something productive with my week - any excuse not to do the ‘real’ work. Last week’s crossword entries reached a record high of five; a round of applause for all those who made the effort. I’m beside myself with excitement. Congratulations to Imogen Carr, whose Porn Star name ‘Speedy Muffin’ earns her a curry. Please come up to the gair rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Union to collect your prize.

Ok, that’s all kids. Have a good week,

Sarah

in the event of a tie write your Bollywood name on your entry take your middle name as your first name favourite Indian food as your surname funniest one wins, but it must be genuine

Six Degrees of...

1O

2

O

3

O

4O

5

O

6

O

Yes, you’ve guessed it. Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in. No prizes are given for being a smartarse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Bollywood name: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: Natalie Portman to Ewan McGregor (Star Wars) to Nicole Kidman (Moulin Rouge) to Jude Law (Cold Mountain) to Rachel Weisz (Enemy at the Gates) to Hugh Grant (About a Boy)

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

October 25 2004

The Phil Collins Photo Casebook EP.2 WEEK 2

Page 33

Dr. Matthew grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - depressing, bleak and pointless.

Good with cheese

Dear Dr Matt, My housemates and I need your help. After a boozy house

Moira takes Phil to the garden. “You have been summoned to Mount Kennedy in the Himalayas. It’s a secret mountain, you see.”

party a few weeks ago fuelled on Lidl's potent [but very reasonable] white cider, my housemates and I became very mischievous. Our naughty shenanigans ended with my housemate’s friend putting his willy in my other 'absent' housemate’s personal pot of Branston pickle, [we have photographic evidence] much to our amusement.

Since then we've all been cringing/uncontrollably laughing when he sinks his teeth into a nice cheese and P[r]ickle (like it – Matt) sandwich and even runs his tongue along the inside of the jar. I know it’s a bit sick, but do we tell him?

Anon, Second year.

Nice. Bet you were proud of that one. I would be. Well done. No, really. WELL DONE. I’d suggest you tell him in the most unkind and humiliating fashion imaginable. This may or may not involve a bulk purchase of Branston Pickle, with condoms wrapped HASTILY around them and placed strategically around the home.

This will look remarkably odd and give the impression that you are quite demented – thus excusing the act and giving lucid clues as to what you did to him. Or you could tie yourselves to him for a day and whisper "we knobbed your pickle!" until he falls over and, well, dies. Not that I’d condone a whisper-induced death but then I condone most things, especially if they concern bouncy castles and small children with knives attached to their feet. You could even enlarge the photo and wang it

on some lamp posts. If you have a roof, which I assume you may well have, you could make a pickled-willy flag to parade the event. Perhaps you might want to make a poem and post it to him. It could say "One day we bought some cider and then we put a penis in your Branston Pickle." That would cause some confusion.

Fucking poets. I do hope you did it responsibly however precautionary tales and all that, but once I knew this girl who put her flaps in vinegar and they melted and fell off.

Matthew.

A plague upon your person And so it was that Phil travelled by husky to the fated mountain, where he had been summoned. Moira gave him some pea and ham soup too.

On reaching Mt.Kennedy, The Archangel Karl descends to tell Phil of a quest...a quest to find a man.

Karl and Phil become good buddies.

Dear Matt,

mini-flying-beasties you care to mention accompany me where so ever I go. Like Mary’s lamb, but a whole lot more abundant and not so endearing.

I need your help doctor, and soon, before its too late!

it. You see I seem to be attracting large amounts of flies. You know, blue bottles and that sort of thing. It all happened towards the end of last week; I noticed that at anyone time there was a rather irritating flying insect that appeared to be following me. I thought nothing of it; Pif-Paf, voila. But then the next day there were two. Cue Pif-Paf. Strange, yes, but perhaps nothing to really concern myself with. Or so I thought.

To cut a slightly longer story shorter, my air-borne friends increased in number by one each day, until it comes to this. My tutelary spray has run out, and a cloud of pesky gnats, mossies and any other

Distressed second year, Roath.

Something most peculiar has been happening to me for the past week or so. I can’t quite fathom

Now, most people would at this point be thinking "faecal matter attached to garments".

Or in the very least "where did my coffee go?" Most would think "poo" because they heard that flies quite like poo (yet how many people have conclusive evidence?). The rest would think "where did my coffee go?" because they are fucking stupid and misread the question.

In this regard we have to consider that dog poo USUALLY, ALWAYS makes flies appear, and using that as an excuse to write a bit more is a tad cheeky. Some smells usually

persist when you don’t want them to though (see: turps on hands after your very first Molotov). One time a mouse died in our front room. I found this horribly egotistical and it made me get quite fresh (I threw it at the television) and it smelled hateful. I don’t EVER walk into a public place and decide to expire. That kind of thing doesn’t strike me as being particularly helpful. Not least to the attendant who has to sweep me up and plonk me in a bin. But again, that’s inappropriate and doesn’t mean anything significant.

So we’re left with a problem, reduced and decantered into a simple fact. You probably have been assaulted with a relatively hazardous smelling poo.

Have a relaxing, exfoliating shower with some sandpaper and I’d imagine that as well as feeling a little cleaner, you’ll stop experiencing the aforementioned cloud of highlyoffensive insects and no doubt, confused looks. Hooray.

Matt

Scratch and Sniff Dear Dr. Matt,

Our housemate appears to have done something dangerous to his crotchal area, given

his constant scratching and itching and groping himself.

Karl gives Phil a nifty computer, with a tracker. The man he now seeks is known as “Winner”. Phil calls John Snow for a lift. How Exciting!

Continues next week

We assume he has done this for his girlfriend but we could all be wrong. However it is driving us mad, as we can’t actually do much about it, yet have to endure him sniffing his fingers and walking seminaked through the house with his hand clasped over his member. Do you have any measures or ideas for the end of this frankly horrible behav-

iour? Assistance would be great.

Cheers, 4 disgusted 3rd years.

Set him alight. Then he’ll have more to worry about.

Matt

Nightline : 029 2022 3993 Remember that if you get bored quite easily, things *can* be done about it. Sort of. Only if you email me. Of course, the email address is uncannily: GrProblemPage@Cardiff.ac.uk

Songs for the afflicted. Read this bit.

Dr. Matthew: The Hits "LEA, oh LEA where is my student loan?!"

"Loan Wasn’t In The Post But A Curry Menu Was" "I Know It Isn’t Really Free But I Need It Anyway" – with the most famous chorus of all – "LEA, LEA, FUCKING GOD, WHERE IS MY MONEY you barbaric lunatic pissing twats?" – some nice chord changes there, mind, watch out for that killer hook.

"The Government Hates My Face" (For the true left wing fraternity) "The Only Good Local Authority Is A Local Authority On Fire" "Last Night I Dreamt Of A Loan Cheque" "I Love The SLC (feat: the word fuck)" "Yesterday I Called But You Said No" "What Happened To My Pr1 Form?"

"Temporary Enrolment" "Two Months Of Potential Suicide" (For the punks amongst you) - and yes, this is a double CD – "Who Needs A Loan Anyway? (I do)" "Computers Ate My Loan" "Computers Ate My Loan Again" "I Sold All My Spoons For Pot Noodles" "Neighbours Isn’t The Same Without A Loan Instalment" "Dr. Matthew’s Charity Box" "This Morning The LEA Ate My Loan" "Your Mother Works For The Local Council" "The Government Made Me Cry" "Tears For The Forgotten Pr1 Form" "4 Wks Of Up Urs" (Featuring a Nokia) "Daddy Says My Loan Cheque Caught Fire" "Pray For The LEA (Because I’ve Got An Uzi)" "The Overdraft Consumed My Hands".

Aye. Filthy bunch those Local Authorities. All proceeds provide me with at least sixteen pence and piss-all else, save a bit of a giggle. Next album is to be called “Ode To Phil”.

Dynamic.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Who will buy my sweet red roses? 0800-FUCKYOUTHEN You on the wall! 0800ICANSEEYOURKNICKERS Jack Scully fathers Izzy’s child? 0800-LIKELY Griffith, wonderful Griffith 0800-I’MGOINGTOSTABYOU Worst page yet? -0800PROBABLY.

Listings

Page 34

October 25 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

XPRESS LIGHTS UP

Only three recommendations this week rather than the customary four. Which is me being unpredictable and exciting and has absolutely nothing to do with the lateness of the hour and the wilting of my already modest mental faculties. Here’s the lowdown... An old classic climbing back up to No.3 in the charts this week, we’ve got West Side Story. A suprise hit at No.2, Harrison Smith bigs up Joe Henderson on a jazz tip. But straight in at No.1 this week, the bold, the brash, the downright foolish UV madness that is... the Xpress Radio Launch!

1

Lashtastic presents...

Xpress Radio Launch Party@Solus Friday 29th October 9-2am £3.50 on the door/£3 in advance

ON AIR: Xpress Radio - women not included

X

press Radio is the Students’ Union’s very own radio station and it goes live on 107.2 FM for two weeks from midnight on Friday. To celebrate, an outrageous launch party is being thrown at Lashtastic in Solus.

But this is no ordinary launch party, oh no. Those crazy folk over at Xpress don’t do things by half. The first of the radio’s two FM broadcasts of the coming year will be ush-

3 A

ered in under a flood of UV lighting!

Why? - Nobody knows!

But who cares - it’s just another excuse to party. There will be UV body paint and other UV products available too, to allow you to make the most of what must be a first in Union clubbing.

Whilst bathed in the warm glow of ultra violet light you’ll be catching the usual hits and party favourites in the main room, getting into the

alternative sounds from Xpress specialists in the Xpress Lounge and marvelling at the moves of the Funky Arse Disco Dancers.

Then at midnight, go crazy for the Xpress crew as Xpress Radio goes live from Lashtastic right across Cardiff on 107.2 FM. The station also goes out on the internet! Visit www.xpressradio.co.uk to hear Cardiff’s only student radio station.

There is still plenty of time to get involved with Xpress and there are all kinds of things that need doing to make the station the success that it has become. The station needs not just presenters but also producers, technical crew, all manner of design, marketing, and advertising personnel, and more!

So even if you don’t fancy being at the mic putting out your own show you can still be a part of what looks set to be an awesome year for Xpress. Just head to the Xpress offices on the 4th floor of the Union or visit the website to find out about how you can join the team.

The Launch Party is bound to be popular so get your tickets soon from the union box office for £3 (or £3.50 on the night) and go prepared to glow and ready to party.

Orbit Theatre: West Side Story @The New Theatre Various times and prices

1950s version of Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story based on a book by Arthur Laurents - has become one of the most popular musicals in the history of the genre.

But then with music by the magnificent Leonard Bernstein and lyrics by the equally magnificent Stephen Sondheim, it was always going to be a work of distinction.

Romeo becomes Tony, Juliet becomes Maria, fair Verona becomes inner-city America, but the story of the star-crossed lovers still plays out in the Shakespearean mold.

West Side Story is brought to The New Theatre by the production

group, Orbit Theatre, with support from the Welsh Amateur Music Federation and musical direction by Cardiff University, Music Phd student, Adrian Hull.

Performance times are: Evenings 7.30pm; Thurs and Sat Matinees 2.30pm, from Tues 26 - Sat 30 October.

For ticket prices and seating plans call 029 2087 8889 or visit w w w. n e w t h e a t r e cardiff.co.uk.

2

Harrison Smith Quartet @Cafe Jazz Thursday 28th Oct 8.45pm £7/£5

Joe Henderson

U

K saxophonist, Harrison Smith has assembled a highly talented quartet to explore and celebrate the music of under-valued American saxophonist, Joe Henderson.

The touring Quartet, which reaches Cardiff’s Cafe Jazz this Thursday, features Harrison (tenor sax, soprano sax, bass clarinet), Liam Noble (piano), Dave Whitford (bass), and Winston Clifford (drums).

Harrison has performed and recorded music that has seen him cover much of the spectrum of jazz and improvised music, having played in the South African inspired District Six, the more experimental approach of Free Jazz Quartet, and the London Improvisers Orchestra.

Since the critical acclaim that followed his quartet CD, Outside Inside Harrison’s reputation has taken off (particularly abroad), recently giving interviews for magazines in the US, Italy and France.

Liam Noble is a highly inventive and thoughtful pianist who has developed his own unique style and has begun to make waves in the international jazz scene, whilst Dave Whitford is now established as one of the top bass players on the British scene.

Drummer, Winston Clifford has been a stalwart of the British jazz scene for many years and has performed with a who’s who of this country’s jazz musicians and

many international stars, including Joe Lovano and Archie Shepp.

The Quartet will mostly be playing music composed by Joe Henderson (there will also be some original compositions inspired by him). Joe Henderson was a master saxophonist, a free spirit with complete mastery over his instrument Although revered by his peers as a composer of great distinction with a unique style, creative flair and a distinctive saxophone voice, for most of his career Henderson didn't get the wider recognition he so richly deserved.

He came to prominence in the 60’s featuring on some of the classic Blue Note albums of the day such as: Lee Morgan's The Sidewinder, Horace Silver's Song for my Father and McCoy Tyner's The Real McCoy. It wasn't until the mid 80s that both the jazz audience and critics alike began to acknowledge his incredible talent. Henderson compositions such as ‘Inner Urge’, ‘Black Narcissus’ and ‘Recordame’ have become jazz standards.

There are many more brilliant Henderson compositions that deserve to be heard and the Harrison Smith Quartet are clearly glad to give them the exposure they warrant.

The music will start at around 8.45pm. Tickets are £7 or £5 concessions. Cafe Jazz is situated on St. Mary’s Street. For further details call them on 02920 387026.

Listings

October 25 2004

Page 35

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton.

If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. We got quality control on this mother.

Monday25/10

Tuesday26/10

Wednesday27/10

Thursday28/10

Friday29/10

Saturday30/10

Sunday31/10

CinemaWeek

Fun Factory @Solus It’s a factory that makes fun. Free entry with NUS, £3 without.

On the Side @ Fun Factory Put on by the Live Music Society in the back room of Solus (now dubbed the Xpress Lounge), On the Side features live bands each week. This week sees Along Came Man do their thing.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge Night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter. 7-11pm, £1 (NUS).

TV is boring @Moloko Live Music, Art, Dj's & Film over 3 floors. Turn off the TV and free your mind. Free entry.

6pm-2am.

New Noise @Metros "Alternative therapy for the musically depressed". New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendry, and almost mythical, double + mixer for 80p. But beware, the famed metros’ double has but a transient glory- 90p between 10 and 11 and a shocking £1 between 11 and 12. £3 before 11. 9-2am.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform (if you’re early enough) with the house trio. Variable quality of playing/singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm £2.or £1 if you sign up to perform.

Live @ Barfly The Ga*Ga*s. With support from Hookieo + Cellar Door 7.30 pm £5 adv Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Carbon/Silicon are Mick Jones (guitar god from The Clash and Big Audio Dynamite) and Tony James (of Generation X and Sigue Sigue Sputnick fame). They mix guitars with loops leading Alan McGee to say "Carbon/Silicon are the Stones jamming with a laptop". 7.30pm £14

Xpress Radio Launch @Solus (see facing page.)

Corner Pocket Soul @Fontana Soul, Funk, Jazz, Latin & Jamaican Rhythms. DJs playing only the choicest sounds from deep record collections. Why can’t all club nights be this good? Fontana, a plush little sofa-filled bar, can be found beneath Topo Gigio restaurant on Church Street (just off St Mary’s Street). Til 3am Wales Jazz Composers @Riverbank Hotel The very best Welsh jazz from the best Welsh jazz musicians and composers.

Highly recommended. 9pm Full Fat @Moloko Funk, Breakbeats, Hiphop, Motown, Retro Disco + Electro Boogie.

Drinks Promos all night, retro vid's/visuals, regular guest DJs. free B4 11pm. til 2am.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10pm, £3.50 Live @Barfly Oceansize, People In Planes and The Next Nine Years. The best line-up at barfly for weeks. Oceansize exist for devotees of minimalism, maximalism, the uncompromising and the intriguingly unique. Though unwilling to disclose their influences, Oceansize have deep respect for: Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Can, Cardiacs, Jane's Addiction, (early) Verve, Swervedriver, The Beach Boys and Tortoise. But the only way to really appreciate the Oceansize sound is to see their incendiary live show. 7.30 pm £6 adv.

Holodeck @Clwb Ifor Bach Decent longrunning techno night now at the Clwb.

Room 1 - Rue East Live, Mark Broom (Pure Plastic), Owain.K, Spencer (Holodeck), Mat Meehan. Room 2 Beats 'N' Breaks - Lucy (Catapult), Phoenix (Catapult), Larry Nelson, Pete The Beat. 10pm-4am £8/7 ABRI @The Toucan Welsh/Bi-Lingual night with Headcase Lads Vs Pep Le Pew Vs Heather Jones Vs Sleifar/ Ruffstylz/ Mc Saizmundo/ Wes Cooze+Dek Masha-Slicer Man/ DJ Lamb Chop!

Chaos @Metros £2.50 b4 10pm

Comedy Club @Seren Las 8-11pm £4 Soul Motion @Moloko Check out this wicked night if you are into funk, soul, boogaloo, rare groove or dancefloor jazz. til 2am free.

Acoustic Open Mic Session @The Toucan Sessions brought to you by ‘Circular Music’ fresh from Camden Town. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo £1 entry before 11. A sweaty dive of a club, Metros nevertheless retains its popularity amongst the darkly clad youngsters of Cardiff and other ne’er-do-wells, and with good reason - it’s cheap.

Live @The Barfly Do Me Bad Things + Yossarian + Corporation Blend "They sound like the Stoner Rocky Horror Picture Show met The Commitments and puked all over a load of records by Steely Dan, Slayer, Turbonegro and Destiny's Child" NME. Puzzling. 7.30pm £5 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach The Earlies, Half Cousin and Mica P. Hinson. The Earlies, a half Mancunian/half Texan four piece, have just released their debut album 'These Were The Earlies' to rave reviews. NME said "God bless you, Earlies, you are the bomb!" The music is a mix of psychedelia and country and they have been compared to everyone from Pink Floyd to Mercury Rev. Live, the band perform as an 11 piece ensemble, so it should be a show to remember. 8.00pm £6 Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50 Orbit Theatre @The New Theatre West Side Story. (See facing page) Live @Cardiff University Music Dept.

Concert Hall The Sorrel Quartet. Performing Beethoven – String Quartet in G, Dvorak Terzetto, Schubert – String Quartet in A minor (‘Rosamunde’). Three contrasting pieces to tickle your fancy.7:30pm Tickets £8, £6 (concessions) and £3 (students)

Come Play @Solus Trusty student favourite and a weekly sell-out, Come Play aims for the student mainstream and hits the target every time. The ‘Come Play Girls’ have proved particularly popular. 9-2am £3.50 adv.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm.

Saturday @Incognito Swiss and pals from the house circuit of wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, escape. til 2am UBERALLES @Barfly New club night with more of the same indie output.

Delinquent @Metros Alt and new music. 9pm-3am free with flyer before 10pm/ £4 after.

Live @The Barfly Grand National, Blue States and Culprit One. Every so often a group comes along that combines all the best music you grew up with together with a giddy hunger to push the envelope forwards into the future. That combine the angular guitars, pounding basslines and heady euphoria of New Order and the Mondays with the metropolitan nouse and witty introspection of bands like Blur. Grand National are that band. A pair of young Londoners about to release some of the best experimental pop songs this country has produced for, oh, too long. Well there’s something to live up to.7.30pm £6 adv Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Starting its once-monthly outing to a Saturday night. Rock, Metal, Goth. 10pm Grimethorpe Colliery Band @St. David’s Hall In concert with Amanda Roocroft. The Grimethorpe Colliery Band has travelled throughout the world, particularly since the release of the movie Brassed Off which starred potato faced screen favourite, Pete Postlethwaite. 7.30pm

Rubber Duck @Solus 10pm -2am £3.50 on the door/ £3 adv Wednesday social @The Barfly Relax and soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm.

All Three Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Cheapskates @Metros Alt & Cheese. 9-2am.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn Bring your music and play it. From 8pm. Free.

ElectroMoloko @Moloko ‘Raunchy Electro’, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem. 8pm-2am Free entry.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ and clubbing society’s new weekly night. The Philly becomes a haven for people into dance music of all kinds and gives society members a chance to DJ. Look forward to a combination of lots of different types of dance music from progressive or funky house, to breaks, tecno and hard house. 8pm til 1am.

Free for members/ £1(NUS).

Live @The Barfly The Others, Agent Blue, The Paddingtons and Beehive Project. 7.30pm £5 adv Plays Upstairs @ Chapter Arts Centre Continuing a new autumn series of regular nights in the upstairs media point bar at Chapter of rehearsed readings of new plays and existing plays by some of Wales' most outstanding playwrights. My Piece of Happiness

by Lewis Davies. Originally produced by Made in Wales in 1998, prior to his latest work "Football". £3.

Dungeon’s @The Toucan Rock Club Featuring the best Live Rock Bands and special £1 drinks promotions! Acoustic Bar: Open Mic acoustic sessions FREE B4 9pm/£2 after.

Marcin Wright Band @Riverbank Hotel Performed at the Union recently. A local jazz band to watch out for. 9pm £4/£3.

Tony Amarel and Friends @Cafe Jazz 8.45pm £3/£2.

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party @Seren Las The Union’s most under-used venue hosts another jazz party, this week featuring the cheekily named 'Latin Test Eagles'.

Brainchild of trumpeter and pianist Steve Coombe, the seven-piece Latin Test Eagles will be unleashing that latin spirit we keep hearing about, to the delight of the dancers amongst you. Presented by Cardiff Student Jazz Society. This will also be the scene of the next gair rhydd social. A prime opportunity for contributors to glimpse the depravity of section editors away from the gair rhydd offices. From 7pm £2..

Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs' end of the week: a night that takes you where-ever you want to go. So long as it involves nothing but house music.

8-12.30pm, Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Acoustic open mic sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen.

Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas.

8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm.

Cleverdick Quiz @Taf, SU 6-11pm MedClub Quiz @MedBar 8pm. Proof that Medics prefer to be quizzed later.

NO WAX @Moloko Bring your MP3s and be the DJ! Free entry.

7pm-2am.

Live @The Barfly The Filaments. With Bosseye, The Freaks Union, The Mingers. Hard. Fast. Punk. Ska. Hearing Loss. 6.30pm £6 adv Hardcore Halloween @Clwb Ifor Bach with Chimaera, Dignity Dies First, Comity, Trouble Loves Us and Feeding This will be a Halloween to remember with a selection of bands, hand picked for their quality. They will be flying in from all over Europe for this spooktacular Halloween event. DONT HAVE NIGHTMARES...

7.00pm

Twisted By Design @The City Arms Pretty much anything other than chart or dance music.

8.30pm-2am. Free.

Judgement Night @Metros The best in rock and metal. £2.50 or less.

Soundbytes @Journeys Run by resident DJ Dave Grooveslave. It features live performances, usually electronic, by local artists. From 8pm til late. Free.

Soul Kitchen @Slug and Lettuce Laid back jazz breaks from various DJs. Free.

Enthusiasm @Moloko 4 DEX & 2 Mixers special event feat the Bronx River DJs (Jaffa+Paul B) + Haze and Focus B2B. Free. 8pm-2am.

Juice Joint @Clwb Ifor Bach The Forster Hammond Trio. They play "scorching Hammond organ grooves from the sixties and seventies with a modern twist." Two floors of grooves with special guest DJ Andy Roberts (Jazz Connection - Radio Wales) and resident DJs Phil Racz, Davegrooveslave, Dai Lloyd and Monique.9pm-2pm £5.00/£4.00 Uprising @Clwb Ifor Bach reggae . dub . ska.

Excellent night.10.00pm. £3.

Barfly Presents @The Barfly (funny that) Bat Country - Hosted By MC NRG with Cake Mix,, Ross Powis , Rick Latham, Neil Roberts , Dave Da Funk (Bat Country Resident) , Fixed Rate BTB Andy Howells , Live Percussion By Swindell and Visuals By Chizza. 7.30pm - 2am £3 b4 10pm or paying guest list by e-mail. £5 after / £3 nus all night London Philharmonic Orchestra @St. David’s Hall A great Russian programme with one of my all time favorite pieces, Rimsky Korsakov’s Sheherazade. 7:30 £5 (NUS) Violet Row @The Toucan A new night dedicated to bringing you the best up coming bands with DJs playing rare vinyl, anything from the Stones to the Stone Roses.

Free CD of the night’s bands included on entry!

That can’t be bad. £4 -9pm-2am.

Harrison Smith Quartet @Cafe Jazz (See facing page for details.)

@Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton / Box Office No: 029 2030 4400

AN ARTS centre that comprises cinema, gallery, theatre, bar, cafe and shop, Chapter is consistently the best place in Cardiff in which to expose yourself to all things creative. Their film showings, ranging from blockbusters to independents to foriegn films, is arguably the major attraction. In recognition of their all-round spiffyness we present here a weekly summary of the various filmic curiosities they have on offer.

(Consult www.chapter.org for times) Infernal Affairs 2 Fri 22 – Thu 28 Oct/Hong Kong/China/ Singapore/2005/119 mins/subtitled/15.

Dir: Wai Keung Lau, Siu Fai Mak. Set around the time of Hong Kong’s handover from Britain to mainland China. Chiu Ying Yan has just become an undercover cop, Lau Kin Ming has joined the force, and a power struggle is unleashed among Triad bosses. The police are placed on red alert – a bloodbath is bound to take place.

The Hours of the Day (Las Horas del Dia) Mon 25 – Thu 28 Oct/Spain/2003/101 mins/subtitled/18. Dir: Jaime Rosales.

A directorial debut which gets under your skin while avoiding standard manipulative tricks. Abel runs a family clothing store, has a girlfriend with whom he may buy an apartment, and enjoys a reasonably civil relationship with his mother. But behind the mask of normalcy there is a capacity for unmotivated, unpredictable violence that transforms Abel into a creature impossible to understand.

“

People don’t realise, it does get vicious, there’s lots of elbows and knees flying in a lot of the time.

Two pages of BUSA action

”

Sophie Armstrong, Netball captain, October 2004

Issue 772, 25 October 2004 Sport Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs Email: grsport@hotmail.com Website: www.gairrhydd.net

Stunning win for men’s rugby

Pages 38 and 39

Back Page

The IMG draw in its entirity. Below

IMG NETBALL Match report

PHARMACY A 4 - 12 CARDIFF UNI A

A game of two halves In the first of a new series of match reports we look at Pharmacy A’s match against Cardiff Uni A from BOTH sides of the rivalry

The Pharmacy perspective Uni goals to make the score 8-0 at the

By Christine Hall break.

For all the drug building that takes REIGNING CHAMPIONS Pharmacy were well and truly booted off their place within the walls of the Redwood pedestal in the season’s opener building, they must have something for with UWC A, suffering a heavy 12 – narcolepsy, because the drowsy pharmacists were caught napping again 4 loss. after the restart, conceding a further The game started two points. badly for the pharma10-0, and the red face of Nia cists, who you would Jones, the pharmacy goal attack, hope are better at disgave away the embarrassment. pensing drugs than But things got better. Cometh they are at marking 8 p o Co the hour, cometh, the, erm, Tina. opponents, as they Emma by 7 Birkby returned to the pitch, quickly conceded six Tina Birk 7 and while Pharmacy’s goal well-taken University A Nia Jones efield7 machine failed to achieve the goals in the opening Alison Wak hn 6 o J impossible, she did restore exchanges of the game. n ia Rh ne 6 nie Mil some pride to the score line And it didn’t just rain at a h p e t S all 6 H with some superb finishing to Talybont, it poured, as the e in t hris claw back four goals. champion’s challenge C th Jones 6 e Some vastly improved became even more intimi- B i Lougher 6 r hett 7 Pharmacy defending dating with the loss, through Ele c it r P n restricted Uni A to scoring injury, of Tina Birkby, the Hele just a further two hoops, but it was pharmacist’s deadly goalpoacher, followed by a further brace of enough to seal the victory.

Playergs Ratin

Engin stall at Psychology’s barrier

By Alex Cinus ENGIN GIRLS’ ENTRY into the IMG netball league did not go to plan as Psychology B ran out comfortable winners in a match that ended 14–2.

Psychology B wasted no time in getting to grips with their opponents in wet conditions at Talybont, and looked a class apart from their less experienced opponents.

Kirsty Yeoman, Psychology’s goal shooter, was a constant thorn in Engin’s side, scoring an impressive 13 goals. Yeoman’s partnership up front with goal attack Rhiannon Bowering who scored Psychology’s only other goal - seemed at times telepathic and gave Engin’s goal keeper Rachel Seegar a torrid time.

The battle of the centres was overwhelmingly won by Psychology’s Jenny Webster, with Engin’s Leena Mistry’s confidence seemingly lacking at times, which was not helped by a nasty fall in the first half. However, there were decent performances from Engin’s wing defence Riz Johns and goal attack Patricia Xavier, who bagged a brace of goals.

With the score at 10–2 at half time and substitutions being made, the Psychologists took their foot off the gas a little, but still cruised home to finish with a 12 goal advantage.

With performances like this there is no reason why Psychology B cannot be up there challenging for the IMG title, and could even give their more illustrious counterparts, Psychology A, a run for their money.

LOOKING UP: Pyschology begin with a win

The University A assessment

By Anna Travis

THE KNOWLEDGE that we would be facing last year’s champions of the IMG League meant that we entered the Wednesday match focused and determined to achieve our absolute best. Well, as focused as you can be when suffering from the worst hangover in the world.

However, after an awesome result from our B team against Pharmacy C earlier that day (26-1, woo yeah!), we knew we had to produce some quality netball if only to keep our positions in the As. We were all well aware of Pharmacy’s reputation as a strong team, especially after the gair rhydd commented last week that Pharmacy had not lost a single player from their winning team.

This, however, just made us more

Player Ratings Psychology B: Jenny Webster 7 Gemma Durham 6 Georgie Anstey 7 Rhiannon Bowering Carly Dale 6 Star Player:Kirsty Yeoman 9 Jenna Hopkinson 6 Charlotte Dawson 6 Engin Girls: Leena Mistry 4 Arti Mahto 5 Riz Johns 6 Patricia Xavier 6 Pippa Low 5 Hannah Cotton 5 Rachel Seegar 4 Sarah Page 5

Player Ratings

and Becky Wesson), Jenny Moore 10 Pharmacy were unable Clar e Donovan 10 to reach their renowned star player - goal attack Imma Stone 10 Tina Birkby.

The Becky Wes son 10 ‘champions’ rapidly found themselves being defeated and their initial confidence diminished.

f itness coach (cheers Ben, we really do appreciate you!).

Overall, a valiant display by last year’s Premier League champions, but now make way for the new ones!

Top draw action

By Martyn Lewis

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

Our attack then successfully determined to win.

The atmosphere generated by racked up the goals with shooters our supporters on the sidelines Rachael Nix and Anna Travis finpushed us to excel. The game began ishing spectacularly. With Jo Essex with a cheer from our crowd as our and Jenny Moore holding together defence quickly intercepted the centre court our overall team performance proved unstoppable!

Pharmacy’s f irst centre The final score was pass. With competent 12-4 and, despite the passes the ball was swiftly shocking refereeing, moved up the court and we were undoubtedly the first goal (of many!) the better side from was scored. every angle. We played Due to the efforts of Anna Travis 10 the best netball, had the our unrelenting defence Rachel Ni x 10 best supporters and (consisting of Imma were trained by the best Stone, Clare Donovan Jo Essex 10

AN AIR OF tension, uncertainty and anxiety swept through the third floor of the Students’ Union last week. It was the culmination of two weeks’ intense media speculation, which has monopolised back-page column inches.

But this was not a screening of England’s performance in Azerbaijan, or David Beckham’s very public apology - this was the draw for the 2004/05 IMG. Criticism and controversy have dogged preparations for this year’s IMG. Firstly, the A.U. announced restructuring plans which include a Super-League style play-off. Then came the arguments surrounding registration, which saw both football and netball loose some of its biggest teams. Finally came the announcement that the draw for this year’s competition would not be seeded, as it had been in previous seasons.

However, this was put to one side as the representatives of this year’s competitors nervously assembled in the Student Development Unit. For a moment, one could have been forgiven for thinking they had stumbled into the waiting area of the Champions League draw in Monte Carlo, such was the fervour and excitement. Well, maybe not.

The first team out of the hat in the football draw was Economics FC. They are joined in Group A by

returning teams Irish Soc, Jomec, Christian Union and AFC History.

The new teams in the group, Euros, Banko FC and Architecture will push them all the way.

In Group B, Carbs A will fancy their chances of Premiership football after Christmas. However, they are likely to face stiff opposition from Accountancy, Chemsoc, Engin A and Optometry. Psycho Athletico return after a prolonged absence while AFC Camp and Woodville Screamers complete the group.

Group C looks to be the most open of the four groups, with John Jenkins FC and Athletico Roy hoping to build on solid IMG debuts last season.

Earth Soc are the form team of the group after they recorded an 11-0 win over Inter Me Nan during pre-season.

A.U. Vice Fraser Watson was visibly excited by the prospect of Group D saying it "looks particularly interesting with some intense rivalries being renewed, especially Law A and Momed". Last year’s winners Law A will also have the unenviable task of facing their B team. Another intriguing match-up sees 2004’s Division 3 champions, Vasco de Pharma renew their rivalry with Japsoc. The group is completed by Inter Me Nan, Dynamo Centurion and Cardiff Dragons.

There were also some intriguing match-ups to come out of the netball draw. In Group A, Psychology A and B were drawn together. While Group

B looks tough with Optometry A being drawn against Pharmacy A, Carbs A, Cardiff Uni A, Chemsoc B and their own B team. Group C sees Pharmacy’s controversial C team drawn against its own B team, along with Chemsoc A, Law, Socsi and Cardiff Uni B. After the draw, Watson seemed in an upbeat mood and was certainly happy to move away from the recent speculation, "It was good to put the controversies to one side and let IMG speak for itself."

THE DRAW IN FULL Football

Group A AFC History, Architecture, Banko FC, Christian Union, Economics, Euros, Irish Society, Jomec Group B Accountancy, AFC Camp, Carbs A, Chemsoc, Engin A, Optometry, Psycho Athletico, Woodville Screamers Group C Athletico Roy, Carbs B, Earth Society, Engin B, English Society, John Jenkins FC, R.P. Lakers, Socsi Group D Cardiff Dragons, Dynamo Centurion, Inter Me Nan, Japsoc, Law A, Law B, Momed, Vasco De Pharma

Netball Group A Carbs B, Engin Girls, English Society, Law B, Psychology A, Psychology B Group B Carbs A, Cardiff Uni A, Chemsoc B, Optometry A, Optometry B, Pharmacy A Group C

Cardiff Uni B, Chemsoc, Law A, Pharmacy B, Pharmacy C, Socsi

Sport

October 25 2004

Page 37

grsport@hotmail.com

Doubting Thomas

In an exclusive interview with John Stanton, Iwan Thomas reveals how injuries have forced him to consider early retirement and why being the subject of a Madame Tussauds’ waxwork was better than meeting the Queen

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW FOR SOMEONE WHO claims to have been terrified by the prospect of seminars at university, Iwan Thomas cuts a particularly distinctive figure.

Indeed, such is his iconic status that he is one of only three athletes ever to have been immortalised in waxwork form at Madame Tussauds’.

“The waxwork’s probably been the biggest thing,” he said. “Receiving the MBE was fantastic but the waxwork was the best.

“I got my MBE at 24 and I remember Roger Black saying to me that he’d only got his at the end of his career and that he’d never had a waxwork!

“Mine was voted for by the public which was a huge honour and only Jesse Owens, Linford Christie and I have ever had one done from the athletics’ world.”

Sadly for Thomas, such memories have now become a distant haze on the horizon of a career which once promised so much. “I think when things are going well you take it all for granted a little bit and to be honest it’s all a bit of a blur now.”

Such is his frustration at a prolonged list of injuries, the British 400m record holder is currently considering turning his back on the sport he loves passionately. “Even if I could go on until Beijing [2008 Olympics] I don’t really want to. I’ve had such a hard time with the sport in the last few years that I’m pretty demoralised with it.

“Purely for my own self-satisfaction I’d like one good year where I could get a medal in the World Championships or win the Commonwealth Games. That’s my aim and my focus – to try to regain that title. I’d like to show everyone that I can get back and then call it a day.”

Thomas, once ranked fourth in the

world and second in the UK in BMX championships, is far from living the luxurious lifestyle one might expect of someone with such an impressive track record. “To be honest, for the past two years I’ve literally earned nothing from athletics. I’ve done it purely for the love of it and lived on past earnings. I love doing what I do and I’m really passionate about my running.”

support me for a year while I went to Southampton for a year to train with my coach.

“I owe everything to my parents.

They gave me the opportunity to do what I love

“I’ve had such a hard time with the sport in the last few years that I’m pretty demoralised with it.”

Despite being a Commonwealth champion and Olympic silver medallist, Thomas came late to athletics and it wasn’t always clear that track success would become his holy grail. “I only really started running when I was 17 or 18, the summer before I went to university.

“I didn’t really think I could make a living from athletics. I didn’t really train at all – I was drinking like most students but I went to the Commonwealth Games in 1994 and through natural talent I ran 45.9s, which at the time was pretty good.

Suddenly, I began to think that, if I trained, then maybe I might be good at this.”

With university now behind him, Thomas faced every student’s worst dilemma. What should he do now?

He remembers, “My mum and dad asked me what I was going to do with myself. I told them I didn’t really want to go to work so they said they’d

SEEING DOUBLE: A moment to be proud of

doing.

If it wasn’t for them supporting me, I probably wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing now.

Even now I just can’t imagine having a proper job.”

W h i l e Thomas’ injuries have prevented him fulfilling his ultimate potential, he is philosophical about the circumstances which have played such a pivotal role in limiting his career to s p o r a d i c moments of glory. “It has been really tough but I’m proud of myself because lots of people who have had injuries would have walked away by now – it’s five or six years since I’ve competed well.

“But I believe in fate and I like to think, hopefully, that there is a bigger picture and this is just testing me as a man to see if I can handle it.

“And what a great story, if and when I do get back, that I stuck at it through all the bad times.”

Far from shirking the responsibilities that come with such a natural talent, Thomas is training as hard as ever, aiming to end his career with a Melbourne swan song at the 2006 Commonwealth Games.

“It’s not so much the race but the training behind the scenes that the public don’t see that takes its toll on your body. With the training I do, I’m sick nearly every day, purely because it’s so hard.

But if you don’t put the work in then someone else will and they’ll beat you.

“I think that’s really where I’ve shot myself in the foot in the past. I trained and raced so hard in 1997 and ‘98 that by the time 1999 came around my body was crying out for a rest.”

While physically exhausting, it was this period in his career that Thomas will forever remember, a peak amidst a heartbreaking succession of troughs. For 1998 was a dream year, one in which Thomas was crowned European, Commonwealth and World Cup champion.

It is the European title which he considers his finest hour, his first gold medal and one which he hoped might precede an Olympic gold. That dream, however, is now a forlorn one and will be consigned to the realms of sporting fantasy.

Drugs, while widely associated with athletics, have never been an object of direct concern for Thomas, although it has come to affect him, particularly in the light of the treatment of friend Mark Richardson. Richardson tested

positive for the banned substance nandrolone, which he protested had been ingested innocently through nutritional supplements and, although later cleared, was banned for two years and robbed of a proportion of what should have been the prime of his career.

Such a situation has made Thomas wary, “I don’t take vitamins or supplements at all now - I’d rather not

“I love the Welsh people.

They’re so passionate and they’re really proud of me.” take the risk. Last week I had a bad flu-bug, but I couldn’t take anything except paracetamol and just waited to sweat it out. As an athlete you have to be so careful, paracetamol’s literally the only thing you can take.”

While the glory of track success has its obvious benefits, it is the less public rewards which Thomas enjoys the most, “I was in Cardiff a couple of years ago and I got stopped by a couple in tears who said they’d like me to meet their child, Iwan Thomas, who they’d named after me. It brought a tear to my eye to know I’d touched someone like that.”

Such adoration from the Welsh public is not unusual, although it might have been unimaginable had Thomas opted to represent England, the country of his birth, “I remember sitting down in 1994 and my mum said she’d love me to run for Wales and after that England just wasn’t an option for me.

“I love the Welsh people. They’re so passionate and they’re really proud of me. It’s such an honour to run for Wales.”

With early retirement a distinct possibility, Thomas has begun to consider what his post-athletics future might hold, “I really enjoy doing television appearances and I really like working with kids. I think I’d like to do Top of the Pops or something like that. But I’d also really like to do after-dinner speaking.

“I had a great career early on, then had it all taken away from me, so if I could get back then I think it could make a really good story. Everyone can relate to that in life – having highs and lows and then fighting through adversity.”

Although injuries may force him into premature retirement, Thomas is seemingly not giving up, and remains hopeful of fulfilling his final athletics dream in Melbourne in 2006.

University Sport

Page 38

Sport in Golf Buck up chance brief

By Billy Hemstock

Bristol brushed aside CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ladies’ rugby team ran out 14-7 victors against Bristol University on Wednesday.

Mari Ropstad and Rachel Merriman provided the points as excellent lineouts and two successful conversions helped gain a victory in the first BUSA match of the season.

Belated badminton battlers AFTER A SHAKY start to the match, Cardiff ladies’ badminton fought back to claim a well deserved point in a 4-4 draw against Bristol University.

The two singles players, Amy Gorochawski and Vicky Hallett, played extremely well and despite eventually losing both their games, they put all their effort into a spirited resistance.

Star doubles pair Jodi Parker and Moria Howie maintained their winning streak by quickly and easily beating both opposition pairs.

Rachel Pitt and Trudi Bird lost the opening game of their first rubber but that was enough to awaken them as they came back with force to win the rest of their games with a no-nonsense approach.

Fourths force UWE victory SAMANTHA CAHILL led Cardiff University netball fourths to an impressive 37-22 victory against UWE on Wednesday.

Cardiff ’s points tally was achieved thanks to scores from Fiona McGilvray, Emily Sadler and playerof-the-match Cahill.

Captain Sadler was pleased with the performance, commenting, "Everyone played really well as a team. It was a really promising match, especially as it was only the second time we had played together."

Netball seconds sink city rivals CARDIFF’S SECONDS netball team recorded an emphatic 55-29 victory over local rivals Glamorgan seconds on Wednesday.

After an edgy first half in which neither side found their rhythm, Cardiff gained control in the final half. Once into their stride the seconds dominanted across the court.

Forwards Gen Green, Sinead Irish and Katy Smith proved excellent marksmen with deadly finishing while the centre court players marshalled a consistently resolute defence.

CARDIFF’S GOLF firsts are still winless in the league after a defeat at the hands of Buckinghamshire Chilterns firsts.

Following their previous encounter last season, this match promised to be a spirited affair. On that day Cardiff, the home team, emerged victorious by a 3.52.5 score-line. However, Cardiff, the newly promoted side, were fighting for their first win in a league in which they succumbed to a 6-0 thrashing at the hands of their local rivals UWIC only last week.

Playing at Cardiff’s home course, Radyr, the wet weather made scoring conditions on the course difficult.

Leading Cardiff out was first year David Thomas who plays off a handicap of one.

Thomas was first to take the initiative on the opening hole by rocketing his drive greenside and making a customary up and down from 30 yards for birdie.

Continuing in that vein, he converted six birdies altogether in his round and won his match by 4-2.

Out second was Cardiff’s newlyappointed captain, Billy Hemstock, who was pitted against Buckinghamshire Chilterns captain, Joe Smith. Again, Cardiff took the early lead with Hemstock birdying the first, but after 14 holes Smith edged ahead to lead one-up following some immaculate iron-play.

After a wayward drive blocked Smith from a clear line into the 15th, Hemstock capitalised, hitting fairway and green in some style and converting the birdie opportunity, thus levelling the match.

Two halves on 16 and 17 meant both players entered the pressure cooker of the last hole. Teeing off first, Hemstock spilt the fairway in two, leaving Smith to respond. Unfortunately for Bucks, he violently hooked his drive onto the road and out of bounds. A second shot found the deep rough and Smith conceded the match and a 2-0 lead in favour of Cardiff.

Match three, where Rob Skornia played Max Wellfield of Bucks, was fairly one-sided finishing 5-4 in favour of Wellfield.

A further two defeats to home side Cardiff resulted in the last match deciding all. Cardiff, on this occasion, succumbed to a 7-6 score-line. Keiran Gregson, making his debut, unfortunately bore the brunt of such a disappointing conclusion.

GR SPORT FOLIO Bringing you the university’s top sportspeople Sophie Armstrong

Netball firsts captain

By Gareth Evans BEING A BLOKE, and a bloke from the South Wales valleys at that, I have very little knowledge of netball. Brought up on a diet of

October 25 2004

grsport@hotmail.com

Cole saves the day

PHOTO: Adam Gossan

Goalkeeper’s heriocs inspire men’s second XI to dramatic UWIC comeback A SCHIZOPHRENIC Cardiff performance ended on a high on Wednesday afternoon as they came back from 2-0 down to gain a point in a thrilling 3-3 finish against UWIC thirds.

UWIC’s formidable sporting reputation seemed to unnerve the reds from the outset, with Cardiff immediately sitting back and allowing the visitors to attack.

UWIC’s early domination came from their ability to use their widemen and the swift runs and crosses of nimble left winger John Ralph caused the nervous Cardiff backline to lose shape early on.

In the 13th minute, a cross-field ball from Ralph freed UWIC right-midfielder Craig Maloney whose somewhat aimless cross was headed into his own net by Cardiff centre-back Dan Jones.

Cardiff’s team of freshers and new recruits continued its stand-offish approach after the goal, leaving lively striker Mike Hyde to become isolated upfront, bereft of any significant service.

With no real attacking outlet, Cardiff were under almost constant pressure and some slack marking

allowed UWIC to double their lead in the 30th minute. An incisive run from Andrew Fairbain pulled the Cardiff defence out of position and the UWIC number eight’s accurate cross was met by the unmarked Ben Davies whose neat header found the top corner.

Fairbain again troubled the reds defence with a deflected shot that bounced agonisingly off the far post as UWIC pressed all the way to the interval.

Well aware of their wretched firsthalf display, a fired-up Cardiff team began the second 45 with a burgeoning sense of teamwork as the seconds started to find their form.

Strikers Leighton and Hyde were still made to work for their openings as accurate service remained elusive, but the slim chance of a comeback remained.

Within minutes of the kick-off, a 30-yard free-kick from the impressive Matt Leighton rocked the crossbar as Cardiff took control of the game.

The visitors still looked dangerous going forward and in the 73rd minute only a brilliant save from Cole denied UWIC a decisive third goal.

The goalkeeper’s athleticism proved pivotal as Cardiff broke quick-

ly from the resultant UWIC corner.

Nick Beckley’s direct run left the visitors’ defence back-peddling as he freed Leighton to go one-on-one with the ‘keeper. The number eight applied a cool finish and Cardiff were back in the match.

Barely 45 seconds later the scores were level. Once again, the UWIC midfield went AWOL as a long punt forward found Nick Beckley, who, aided by a defender, lobbed the UWIC custodian.

UWIC heads dropped and Cardiff sensed victory as the final 15 minutes ticked away. Substitute Michael Lebellegard added pace to Cardiff’s surging attack but with three minutes to go, UWIC controversially regained the lead. A shot from Ralph hit Wise on the arm and the referee bravely awarded a penalty. Amid Cardiff complaints, Paul Dickie buried the spotkick and three points looked to be heading the Institute’s way.

However, with just seconds remaining, a free kick on the left edge of the UWIC penalty area gave Cardiff one last opportunity. In a packed 18-yard box, Stu Wheeler had the composure to chest down the bouncing cross and fire the ball into the top corner from five yards.

beer, fighting and contact sport, my netball experience extends only to having watched my auntie referee senior netball matches on freezing cold nights on rough Swansea council estates.

Yet, from the matches I saw, netball may be deemed a contact sport where the matches were riddled with screaming, hair pulling and in-fighting. So, when I was asked to meet Cardiff University f irsts’ netball team captain, Sophie Armstrong, I didn’t quite know what to expect.

Sophie, 21, is from Nottingham and as well as taking part in a rigorous fitness, training and match routine, somehow finds time to work on the fourth year of her medicine degree. When I told her of my preconception of netball as a violent sport, Sophie seemed relatively unsurprised. "People don’t realise that it does get vicious, there’s lots of elbows and knees flying in a lot

of the time. However, a competitive streak is only to be expected from the girls competing in the Premier division."

When asked how well she expected her team to do this season, Sophie was in little doubt, "I’ve got high expectations, we’ll hopefully finish in the top two or three." It’s certain to be a challenging season, but after shaking off the pre-season rust in a loss to UWIC last week, Cardiff ’s campaign is well underway after beating rivals Cambridge on Wednesday.

This will be Sophie’s second season as captain, a role she has grown into from her years of experience.

She started playing netball at the age of nine or 10 and has always played to a high regional standard. I was taken aback by her true professionalism and dedication to the sport and she finds it difficult to find time to pursue any other interests. The

regime consists of fitness training on Sunday, netball practice on Monday, BUSA match on Wednesday, local league Thursday, oh, and the small matter of Welsh international training on a Tuesday.

Yet, there is still just enough of her time left over for netball socials at Rubber Duck on Wednesday evenings. And in true sporting spirit, the freshers had an initiation test last week. "We got them absolutely hammered." said Sophie, "We were dressed as devils and the freshers dressed as angels." A more tactful approach than running down the street naked trying to balance a pint glass on your head, but just as much punishment for the poor freshers I would imagine.

Sophie Armstrong, then, is the all-round professional: netball captain; international; socialite; soonto-be doctor and now university celebrity. Do not mess with her.

By Thom Airs Sports Editor

University Sport

October 25 2004

Page 39

grsport@hotmail.com

Cardiff knock down ‘Bridge Cardiff 45 Cambridge 28

By Ffion Atwell Netball Correspondent THE SECOND WEEK of BUSA matches saw Cardiff avenge last week’s defeats against UWIC and Exeter by thumping Cambridge 4528.

Both teams started the game aggressively, but it was Cambridge who managed to break the deadlock with the first goal.

Cardiff responded seconds later with a goal of their own after snatching the ball on the Cambridge centre pass.

The Cambridge shooters, Fergus and Humphrey, were faultless, scoring at every attempt but errors from the visitors allowed Cardiff to build on their score, the accuracy of their GA and GS allowing the home side to take the first quarter 12-8.

Cardiff maintained their early aggression in the second quarter.

Their defence proved almost faultless, allowing Cambridge only one

goal. The visitors’ cause wasn’t helped by the loss of their influential captain Georgie Powell, who missed the majority of the quarter with an ankle injury. As the quarter wore on both teams lost shape and became increasingly frustrated.

Despite this, Cardiff proved the stronger of the two sides, recovering from the mistakes to go into the interval leading 26 goals to nine.

The third quarter saw both teams make substitutions and positional changes. Cardiff proved their versatility by continuing their form despite changing several major players including centre and captain Sophie Armstrong.

Cambridge were also boosted by the return of their captain and demonstrated renewed vigour. The quarter was closely fought with players from both teams taking nasty knocks, the worst of which was on Cardiff’s GD, Becky Oatley, forcing her to spend the last quarter at GK. Cambridge narrowly edged through taking the quarter 11-10.

The final quarter was even more tightly fought. Despite their persistence and the accuracy of their shooters, Cambridge were unable

Beginning as they mean to go on Lacrosse make trophy-winning start and win in BUSA

By Frances Williams Lacrosse Correspondent AFTER WINNING THE South West League Tournament on Sunday, the ladies’ lacrosse first XII continued their impressive start to the season with an impressive 11-3 victory over Bath in their opening BUSA fixture.

Hard work in training and wellrehearsed routines paid off as a newlook team disposed of the threat posed by their Bath counterparts.

Captain Frances Williams commented, “We had quite a few freshers playing and the integration was fantastic.”

Impressive midfield displays from George Ewer and Rosie Poynor were instrumental in the victory, while Sue Chandler and Issie Try both confirmed the visitors’ superiority, finding the net on several occasions.

The ladies’ squad, containing four internationals, has started in fine form and expectations are high that such impressive performances will continue throughout the season.

to bridge the deficit from the first half, eventually losing the match 45-28.

Indeed, Cardiff demonstrated a solid defence and all-round strong performances, particularly from WA Phillipa Turner and player-of-thematch GD Oatley.

Afterwards Cardiff captain Armstrong said, “We put in a really strong performance. We proved that we have a lot of strength in depth as we made some quite major changes but still managed to maintain our lead.”

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

POISED: Cardiff tally up the points

AU VICE’S COLUMN

By Fraser Watson AU Vice President FOR THE SECOND successive week, the infamous Welsh weather ensured we were unable to complete a full day of BUSA fixtures, with three of our football sides being spared the early morning trek down to Aberystwyth.

However, those who did compete provided a superb day for the University, helping us to 19 wins and a healthy stash of BUSA points.

A special mention goes to the lacrosse side who returned from Bath with a creditable 11-3 win in what was their opening BUSA game.

Also, a warning to all IMG football sides that Pontcanna has stated they will not tolerate a repeat of last Wednesday, where teams trained on their ‘waterlogged’ pitches.

I understand everybody’s frustration at last week’s cancellations, but please guys, we have to respect the council’s decisions if we want pitches available for the remainder of the IMG season.

Finally, a reminder to all clubs that University ‘smock tops’ are now available for purchase in the AU.

Sport in brief

By John Stanton

gair rhydd sport recognised LAST YEAR’S Sports Editors Riath al-Samarrai and Dave Williams are on a shortlist of just five candidates for best sports journalist NUS/Daily Mirror Student Media Awards.

Gair rhydd is the only newspaper to have two nominations in the category.

The other potential winners all attend either Oxford or Cambridge.

Game, set and forfeited match

CARDIFF MEDICS men’s tennis team withdrew from their opening BUSA fixture, claiming they had insufficient time to prepare for the beginning of the season.

While they have assured the Athletic Union that they will complete their remaining fixtures, BUSA has deducted three points and it will now be almost impossible to gain promotion from the Western Conference Men’s 2B.

Hockey round-up

By Ed Jones Hockey Correspondent Cardif 1 st XI 1 Southampton 2 THE VISIT OF LAST season’s champions Southampton provided a match of real quality, with Cardiff narrowly losing despite a fine performance.

The hosts outplayed the holders throughout the first half and were totally deserving of their early lead. Martin Freshman struck home with style on his reverse side, as Cardiff were rewarded for their dominance.

The contest was far more even in the second half, as Southampton showed more of the attacking flair that had won them the title.

A neat drill from a short corner resulted in a fine flick to level the scores.

The game was cruelly settled by the controversial awarding of a penalty flick.

Southampton converted to earn a victory which failed to reflect the balance of play.

The Cardiff players will be encouraged by their efforts and an admission from the Southampton camp that a draw would have been a fair result.

Cardiff Ladies’ 1st XI - 5 B’mouth Ladies’ 1st XI - 0 THE RESULT WAS sealed before the game got underway owing to Bournemouth’s failure to provide officials. Having forfeited the game, their misery was compounded by a demoralising 5-0 drubbing.

Cardiff combined strength in defence with flair up-front in a heartening display.

Goalscorer Kate Boot was awarded Player of the Match with Tamara Fatee, Amelia Williams, Vikki Taylor and Sophie Blair also finding the back of the net, while Sam Carr had her effort disallowed.

Rugby roundBy Fraser Watson AU Vice President

UWIC 22 Cardiff 2nd XV 5 HAVING LOST BY over 50 points in the same fixture just three weeks ago, a much improved Cardiff performance saw them

fully match their UWIC counterparts for 60 minutes before the game drifted away from them late on.

10 points down at halftime, Cardiff reduced the deficit when skipper Sam Burford scored a try straight after the interval. But despite sustained pressure during which Cardiff had a try disallowed, they were unable to capitalise further.

Gloucester 3rds 6 Cardiff 3rd XV 25 “AN OUTSTANDING start to the season” was the verdict of skipper Dewi Williams, as Cardiff comprehensively beat a Gloucester team who last year boasted a 100% home record.

6 - 0 down early on, Cardiff moved into a 13-6 lead with a try from full-back

John Broome and two penalties from the steady boot of Nick Grant.

Despite territorial dominance, however, Cardiff were forced to wait until the last five minutes of the game before sealing the win through tries from prop PHOTO: Nick Parnell Gareth Cowan and debutant Alex Pritchard.

gair rhydd

IMG NETBALL SPECIAL

Your essential guide to everything you need to know from the opening week’s action See page 36

IWAN THOMAS EXCLUSIVE

Gair Rhydd sport speak exclusively to Wales’ Olympic silver medallist See page 37

WEIR DOOMED

“A valiant display by the champions but make way for the new ones.”

See page 36

By Matt Ramsden Chief Rowing Correspondent

DISASTER WAS NARROWLY avoided on the river Taff as eight members of Cardiff’s rowing club had to be rescued by the emergency services.

The horrendous accident saw them dragged over a raging weir.

Despite normal river levels at the launching of the boat on Saturday afternoon, sudden torrential rain saw the river rise way above its normal levels and provide hazardous rowing conditions.

Attempting to turn the boat around at the end of Cardiff rowing club’s 1.4km stretch of river by Llandaff cathedral, the novice crew got into difficulties as they were swept along by the swollen water levels.

Drifting perilously close to danger, the front of the boat started to cross over the edge of the five-foot weir and snapped off.

The boat then broke up into three pieces, one of which was picked out of the river by the Millennium stadium.

This left the crew huddled together on a submerged island in the middle of the river, until they were rescued by the emergency services.

Rowing club officials refused to name those involved, claiming they had already endured enough trauma.

Although suffering from shock and one team member suffering broken ribs, club secretary CJ Hyde praised the actions of the crew in avoiding a more severe outcome.

She commented, “What they did was exactly right in that situation - although the Taff can be only two foot deep in places, you shouldn’t jump out of the boat, as this can lead to people being separated from the group.”

Hyde was also quick to point out that this was an unavoidable accident that could have happened to any of the crews, “When they set out, the river was below the landing stage, which is our way of measuring PHOTO: Alex Carmichael whether the river is safe.”

She added, “It was a difficult judgement call, but one that had to be made on the conditions at the time.”

When quizzed about the logic of putting six novices in a boat with only two experienced crew just a month into the new term, Hyde was keen to add that all members have to undergo strict swimming tests

By Fraser Watson before they are allowed anywhere near a Rugby Correspondent boat.

She explained, “We don’t let anyone in a boat without the presence of an experienced The 1st XV kick-started cox. The cox is the individual who effectheir BUSA campaign with tively guides the boat and whose job it is to a stunning victory over anticipate potential problems.”

Imperial Medics.

Hyde was quick to point out that lessons A superb second-half dishad been learnt as to future judgement of the play saw Cardiff power to weather and rowers’ capabilities. She was victory and help erase also quick to praise the quick action of the memories of last week’s emergency services and that of Llandaff defeat at the hands of rowing club.

Marjons.

However, it is now clear that a big Tries from Damian fundraising project will be necessary to Welch, Nick Scholes, John replace the 8-man boat, blades and cox box, Walder, Brad Raison, valued at a total of approximately £20,000. BURSTING THROUGH: Cardiff power to memorable victory Lawrence Price and Simon

R E

A D

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

G N

Cardiff in mint condition Brilliant display secures first Premier win against Imperial

Imperial 1st XV 17 Cardiff 1st XV 49 Westwood (two), combined with 14 points from the boot of fly-half Ed Bradknock, were enough to secure the points for Cardiff.

Delighted skipper Owain Griffiths was full of praise for his side’s response to the disappointment of opening day defeat.

He said, “It was a massive improvement on last week. We’ve worked hard in training this week and although we still have some way to go, we are definitely on the right track.”

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