gair rhydd - Issue 773

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

LETTER FROM AMERICA A US student’s view of the Presidential election race

ISSUE 773. November 1 2004

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AU President suspended by university officials EXCLUSIVE

By David Doyle News Editor CARDIFF STUDENTS were stunned last week following the announcement that Athletic Union President James Cole has been suspended by Cardiff University pending a police investigation into an alleged assault.

It is understood that the allegations against Cole centre on an incident at Solus night club at the beginning of October, although no charges have yet been brought.

It is alleged that Cole assaulted another student at the Rubber Duck night on Wednesday 6 October and was subsequently escorted from the premises by bouncers.

But friends of Cole insist that he is innocent and that the incident was a misunderstanding.

They say that Cole was attempting to break up a fight when he was mistakenly ejected.

Cole voluntarily attended a police station two weeks ago to assist officers with their enquiries.

As part of the suspension the University has banned Cole from all its buildings, including the Students’ Union, and he is not allowed to work until the matter has been resolved.

Students discovered about Cole’s suspension when Union President Gary Rees read a statement at the start of the Athletic Union Council last Tuesday.

Rees subsequently issued a press release and urged students not to pre-judge Cole.

“At no point should any assumption be made regarding James Cole’s involvement in the incident until a proper and fair investigation has taken place,” said the statement.

It added that Cole’s role as Athletic Union President was being temporarily filled by Rees until the investigation into Cole is completed.

Police Student Liaison Officer for South Wales, PC Bob Keohane, confirmed that police were investigating an incident which took place at Solus in the early hours of October 7.

Cole has refused to comment on the allegations at this time. Even if no charges are brought against him, he may still have to face a Cardiff University disciplinary panel before he can return to work.

A university spokesperson said: “In accordance with the Student Disciplinary Code, university investigations await the outcome of current police enquiries.”

News

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Teachers fear student sex pests glance

NEWS CARRIE OPINION POLITICS TAF-OD US ELECTIONS LETTERS HEALTH JOBS AND MONEY MEDIA COMPETITIONS TELEVISION FIVE MINUTE FUN LISTINGS

PROBLEM PAGE SPORT

1 7 8 10 11 12 14 15 16 18 20 23 31 32 34 35

EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Ken Griffin, Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION TV Manners, Will Dean, John Widdop, Katie Brunt LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell FIVE MINUTE FUN Sarah Bayes COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, AJ Silvers PROOF READERS Carly Sharples, Hannah Perry, Lois Dafydd, Rachel Browne CONTRIBUTORS

Sophie Robehmed, Nick Waldron, Marielle Smith, Nadia Sam-Daliri, Cara Lee, Dan Smith, Dave Berry, Bethany Whiteside, Jemma Gander, Georgie Mavrakis, KerryLynne Doyle, Andrew Andersen, James Emtage, Caleb Woodridge, Andrew Mickel, Bethen Samuel, Ifan Morgan Jones, B. Lynn Glazeski, Farah Ahmad, Pete Church, Fergus Houlden, Matt Ramsden, Dafydd Bowen, Billy Hemstock, Sophie Armstrong, Ed Jones, Gareth Owen, Adam Gossen, Olivia Waters, Fraser Watson, Nick Parnell, Alex Cinus, Ffion Atwell, Sarah Bellingham

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter

THE PROBLEM of students flirting with teachers has been newly documented as form of intimidation and harassament, according to a new book.

The publication recommends that teachers need professional guidance, including role playing on how to deal with students who genuinely believe they are in love, to help shun bogus allegations of sexual abuse.

Kate Myers, a University of Keele professor who wrote the book, called ‘Teachers Behaving Badly?’ says that both male and female teachers have reported feeling embarrassed, undermined and humiliated by students.

Professor Myers has also heard of

teachers who have endured obscene phone calls, text messages, emails and letters. Some lecturers have also had to endure comments about their bodies and sex lives, as well as indecent gestures.

One lecturer at Cardiff University admitted that sexual harassment was an issue for lecturers today, stating that “there have been flirtatious students in the past.”

The motives behind student flirting range from authentic infatuation, establishing their sexuality or it can be designed to upset or harass lecturers.

The Department for Education and Skills and the Council of Local Education Authorities provides extensive guidelines to deal with flirtatious students. Keates maintains it is essential that teachers

need far more practical information on how to deal with the problem.

“There absolutely should be more on this in teacher training. Teachers need to know immediately what to do to protect themselves,” she said.

An amendment to the Sexual Offences Act last year made it a criminal offence for a teacher to have sexual relations with a pupil, but Myers argues that it is wrongly assumed that teachers always hold the power in teacher-student relationships.

“Sexual behaviour exists in schools, even though it may be unnoticed or ignored. By not confronting and addressing these issues, educators are culpable of condoning behaviours that are not considered acceptable elsewhere in society,” she said.

News in brief

By Will Talmage News Editor

Tea stirs memory

Resesarch at Newcastle University has revealed that drinking tea can help to improve the memory and even ward off alzheimers.

The magic pill

The oral contraceptive pill is medically beneficial. Research has found that women on the pill have a lower risk of heart disease, stroke and breast cancer. The results have come from the largest women’s health study ever undertaken.

Welsh literature prize

One of the world’s biggest literary prizes has been launched in Swansea and New York. The £60, 000 Swansea Dylan Thomas prize will be awarded to the best book published in English anywhere in the world by an author under 30.

Students face 13 year debt sentence

By Marielle Smith Reporter MOST STUDENTS will have to pay the price of 13 years debt for their degrees, according to the Student Finance Vigilante Debt Perceptions Report 2004.

The Student Finance Vigilante is a group which has been set-up by graduates from Southhampton and Nottingham universities to help stu-

dents handle their finances better.

The online survey, which was carried out between October 8 and October 10, gathered information from 129 students at 16 different universities.

The average graduate leaves university owing £12,000 and expects to pay this off by the time they are 28.

But most students in the study failed to take into account rises in interest rates.

Manchester decides to get it on Victoria University and Umist set to merge to create a new global player

By Nick Waldron Reporter TWO UNIVERSITIES in Manchester have merged this week to create the country’s largest university after a year of negotiations and funding problems.

The Victoria University of Manchester and The University of Manchester Institute of Science and Technology formally merged on October 22, when it received its royal charter, creating the UK’s first

‘Super-Uni’.

Many believe that the new university will become a West Coast rival for the universities in London and Oxbridge.

The institution will have over 34,000 students, a staff of 9,000 and an estimated annual income of over 420 million pounds.

The merger was funded by the government, the Higher Education Council for England, The Office of Science and Technology and the North-West development agency.

The rest of the funding was put up

Taking these rates into account, the Student Finance Vigilante calculates that most students will not pay off their debts until they are 31, having repaid a total of £16,000.

Females students who took part in the study predicted themselves lower starting salaries and therefore underestimated the time they will take to clear their debts by 4.1 years.

This compared with an underestimate of 1.6 years by male students.

In addition, females expected a much lower annual salary rise.

If these perceptions were reflected in their actual incomes, female students may not become debt free until they are 32, whilst their male counterparts could be back in the black by the time they are 29.

58% of students also claimed that they received no financial education at school. 63% admitted that they do not budget or manage their finances.

UNIVERSITY MERGERS: everyone’s at it by the Science Research Investment fund.

"The merger will establish a centre for world class research in Manchester, both in terms of size and resources. This is a real boost for UK research and for the north west economy," said Science Minister Lord David Sainsbury.

The new university is being headed by Alan Gilbert, who was headhunted from Melbourne University and is rumoured to already be searching for Nobel Prize winners to join his staff in order to raise the new

university’s world ranking.

The former vice chancellors of the Victoria University of Manchester and UMIST, Sir Martin Harris and Professor John Garside have both retired.

When the merger got approval by the government, the two vice chancellors released a joint statement.

"We now have a solid foundation on which to build a truly world class university that will continue to attract the best students, the most talented staff and significant research funds from around the world," it said.

News

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Photo: Will Dean

Photo: Will Talmage

Burning down the house

By Will Dean Reporter SMOKE ROSE high above the streets of Cathays on Tuesday night after an empty shop on Woodville Road caught fire.

By 11.20 the fire had gutted David House (opposite Threshers Wine Shop) as students emptied onto the streets to see the former shop destroyed by fire.

Fire engines were quickly on the scene to put out the blaze, which could be seen from as far away as the Students’ Union.

Firefighters climbed onto the roof of the shop-front, checking for anyone who may have still been in the building.

Café culture not for Cardiff

By Nadia Sam-Daliri Reporter SOUTH WALES’ newest Chief Constable has slammed moves to introduce a continental style café culture in the UK. Mike Tonge of Gwent Police believes that the new legislation, allowing pubs and clubs to stay open 24 hours a day, will merely add to the problem of binge drinking among British youths.

He said: “We live in a society that knows all of its rights but none of its responsibilities.”

He feels that the freer, more culturally varied forms of late night entertainment, that characterise European cities, would not fit well in Britain.

Under the new legislation, which looks set to be passed, pubs will have to submit a detailed operating plan before licensing authorities consider granting extensions.

It is believed that the majority of pubs will only apply for a couple of extra hours at the weekends.

Student liaison officer, PC Bob Keohane, believes the moves will help

to tackle binge drinking and alcohol related crime. “Longer drinking hours will result in less trouble on the streets,” he said.

PC Keohane points out the strain placed on public services, because of the crowds that form as soon as the clubs close.

He said that there are never enough taxis or take-aways to deal with the huge influx of people that leave the clubs around 2am.

The Union Bars Manager Keith Owen has mixed views about the legislation. Fifteen years ago pubs had to close at 4pm and then reopen at 6pm. Legislation was brought in to extend these hours, and as Owens points out, this reduced street crime considerably.

However, he believes extended hours will effect the quality of service provided by clubs. If establishments have to pay for bar staff, door staff and DJ’s over longer periods of time, then drink prices will be upped to cover these costs.

Owen is particularly concerned that the Act will “entice drinkers’ and condone drinking at unhealthy hours”.

Station officer, Andy Fellows said: “The ground floor was well alight when we got here.

“We then proceeded to put the fire out and search the premises and it was vacant.”

A quick thinking student warned people in neighbouring buildings about the fire when he heard glass smash inside the shop.

When Ryan Healey, a second year history student, heard the glass he rushed out to warn the owners of a shop next door of the impending danger.

There were no casualties. After a fire investigation on Wednesday morning, officials from South Wales Fire Service blamed the fire on an electrical fault.

THE MORNING AFTER: Firemen investigate the scene INSET: David House ablaze

Pammy bears all

Former Baywatch star campaigns to stop the Welsh Guards manufacturing their hats using bear pelts

By Cara Lee Reporter

Anderson collected signatures from 200 of her fans at her recent book-signing in London’s Virgin Megastore. The Ex-Baywatch star petition states: “We the Pamela Anderson undersigned urge the has sent a petition Queen to call on the to the Queen Ministry of Defence condemning the to cease the use of use of fur in the real fur on the outfits worn by uniforms for the the Welsh regiment of Guards. footguards.”

The petition The hats tradition protests against dates back nearly the use of bear 200 years. They pelts in the hats form a central worn by Welsh part of the foot guards. uniform worn Canadian born by the Welsh Pamela has Guards, whose demanded that Colonel in synthetic Chief is materials are Prince used in the Charles. hats, rather The bear than the pelts are Canadian also used bear pelts.

PAMMY: Getting her kit off

by the Coldstream, Grenadier, Irish and Scottish Guards.

The star, amongst other famous celebrities, campaigns with the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). A spokeswoman for the group declared that Anderson is “very passionate about finding a replacement for the bearskin hats.”

PETA claim that , with the help of a faux fur manufacturer, they have developed a material which is being field tested by the Ministry of Defence to replace the bear fur.

But Lieutenant Colonel Peter DickPeter has said that no alternative artificial fabric has been found for the hats, despite PETA’s claim.

“Where we can use an artificial alternative, we do so. No bears are killed simply for the caps. The bears are killed to control the population,” he said.

Animal welfare groups insist that over 40,000 black bears are killed every year, significantly exceeding the amount needed to be killed to control their numbers.

News

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By Paul Dicken News Editor RADIO LEGEND John Peel died last week after suffering a heart attack while in Peru.

The pioneering DJ, famed for embracing music in an unique and revolutionary way, was 65 and had been playing records on Radio 1 ever since it started.

Tributes have poured in since his death was announced on Tuesday.

The BBC website reported having received 30,000 tribute e-mails in the hours after the announcement was made.

Heading the list, Micheal Eavis, organiser of the Glastonbury festival, renamed the new band’s tent the John Peel Stage.

Eavis told BBC Somerset Sound that the decision to rename the tent was “very appropriate because it’s all the sort of music that John would have chosen”.

Peel was a Glastonbury regular, and guru of the festival for the BBC; throughout his career he supported new music and the diversity of making music.

More recently he brodacast from the famous Peelacres, where he putout elcelctic live sessions and involved all his family in the most inspired and eccentric show on radio.

Mark Radcliffe, now at Radio Two, described John Peel as “someone who had a warmth and honesty, who really loved music. John showed that it was possible to be a broadcaster on a national radio station and still be yourself.”

Annie Mac on Radio One stressed the energy John Peel had for uncovering music on Thursday night.

Famously one of his favourite tracks was the Undertones’ hit Teenage Kicks. Franz Ferdinand covered this at the end of their set at the Manchester Apollo in his honour.

PEEL: Legend

DISCO INFERNO Photo: Will Talmage

Death of a Legend

ABLAZE: fire engines rush to the scene

By Dan Smith Reporter POLICE ARE investigating the cause of a fire at one of Cardiff’s premier gay venues, Club X ,which required 35 firefighters to extinguish.

The club, located on Charles Street, caught fire at around 5.20am last Wednesday and was finally extinguished two hours later.

Police have confirmed that they

are treating the blaze as suspicious but have refused to comment on the cause of the fire.

But they have confirmed that one person has been arrested in connection with the blaze.

It is believed that the fire started on the lower ground floor. The first floor of the club was badly damaged by smoke, although there is no visible damage to the front of the club.

One witness, Tricia Hodges, told gair rhydd: “You could smell the

smoke and it was a windy day which probably made things worse”.

The club owners are confident the problem will be resolved soon.

“We’re hoping to reopen in the first week of December with a plush new bar on the ground floor and front basement floor,” said co-manager Alan Reardon.

Members of the local gay community have expressed their hope that the club will continue to be a major venue in Cardiff.

“I think it’s an end of an era. Club X has always been good to us and we hope the community will pull together to get the club on it’s feet,” said the LGBT Society President Chris Lilley.

Ex-employee Josh Gethring told gair rhydd that he had happy memories of the club. “I remember having a great time working there last year and I think it’s sad that the Cardiff gay scene has been reduced to two night clubs,” he said.

CYMRU KERRY

By Dave Berry Reporter A WELSH town will be paying extra attention to the forthcoming US Elections as they claim candidate John Kerry is a local boy.

US genealogists have named Tenby as the original home of Kerry’s eighth generation ancestry.

They have traced Kerry’s family tree to William and Elizabeth Jenkins, a couple living in Pembrokeshire.

Former mayor of the town Caroline Thomas has written to Kerry wishing him the best

of luck stating: “If he becomes President we’ll invite him over”.

The mayor also offers an explanation as to the probable reason Kerry’s ancestors left.

She said: “The town was in ruins and there were pigs roaming the streets.”

Kerry is only the latest in a long history of major US figures who hail from Wales.

Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and Abraham Lincoln could all trace their roots back to this country.

It appears John Kerry enjoys everything British It was recently reported in The

Times that Kerry’s winter retreat was originally from East Anglia.

It was taken apart brick by brick and stored away until it was sold to John Heinz III, late husband of John Kerry’s wife.

Kerry’s democratic predecessor also has links with Wales.

It has recently been claimed that former First Lady Hillary Clinton’s grandfather

Beer today gone tomorrow

By Will Talmage News Editor MANCUNIAN CAMPAIGNERS are up in arms amidst plans to relocate the Boddingtons brewery from Manchester to South Wales.

The Belgian brewing company Interbrew has revealed plans to close the famous 226 year-old Strangeways Brewery and move the production to a plant at Magor, near Newport.

The workers have announced a two day strike in protest against the proposed relocation.

Franny Joyce, regional industrial organ-

iser for the Transport and General Workers Union, said: “This decision is all about corporate greed.”

“It is the workforce who have developed this brand and the success of this brewery and they now face their jobs being taken away while the owners cry crocodile tears.”

The protest is being spearheaded by Coronation Street star Bruce Jones, who plays Les Battersby.

He said: “Being from Manchester as I am, Boddies is a landmark in the city and it is a beer that every Mancunian has been weaned on.

“I think all of Manchester should boy-

cott Boddingtons if it is moved from where it is brewed now.”

There are fears that once moved to South Wales, Boddingtons will no longer have the same distinctive taste.

James Daley, regional director of the Campaign for Real Ale in Wales (CAMRA) said: “They call Boddingtons the Cream of Manchester – is it now going to be the cream of Magor?

“The water used in Magor is completely different, it comes from the Severn Tunnel and other sources in the area so it will taste different. It’s good news for South Wales and South Wales jobs but it’s bad news for beer drinkers.”

KERRY: valleys boy?

World News

November 1 2004

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

ISRAEL CHANGES THE LANDSCAPE

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter ARIEL SHARON has pushed forward revolutionary plans that will re-draw the map of the Middle East.

Last Tuesday the Israeli Parliament gave its blessing concerning plans for Israel to pull out of the Gaza strip. For nearly forty years Israel has occupied this area, named the Holy Land by religious conservatives. It has also been the subject and site of continued terrorism and bloodshed.

The Israeli evacuation is scheduled to commence next April or May and will last for around twelve weeks. Due

to the bloody nature of the Middle East’s recent history, Israeli officials are already assessing the risks of evacuating 8,000 people in such hostile territory.

It is feared that both protestors and militants will be present and able ‘to take advantage’ of the situation by venting anger as the withdrawal proceeds. Border security is also a key issue as Israel wishes to evacuate an eight-mile corridor in territory that borders with Egypt. This is necessary for Palestinians to be able to travel abroad freely. However Egypt needs to prohibit the smuggling of arms into Gaza and in-state border security.

It is expected that the British will be

NOT ALL PROTESTS: Some Israeli’s support the move

World News Round-up

By Jemma Gander Reporter

ISRAELI IN TURMOIL: Ariel Sharon looks ahead

involved so far as technical advice and assistance demands. Britain could be involved in training Palestinian security forces according to one senior Israeli source.

This withdrawal has been hailed as one of a unilateral nature, and can be seen as a declaration of a wish for a peaceful future. International communities for spearheading and seeing through these proposals have commended Sharon. By a margin of 67 to 45 the pullback was pushed through the Knesset in the face of intense protest.

However, the move has been downplayed by Palestinian leaders as inconsequential, and both critics and cynics fear that Sharon cedes the Gaza strip in order to intensify his hold on the West Bank. His role in the past as ‘the hardest of hardliners’ does nothing to curb this suspicion.

It is now vital for Sharon to speak out further and consolidate his plans for some 240,000 inhabitants in 120 communities within the West Bank.

In an emotional speech to the Israeli Knesset Sharon argued that Israel had no choice but to pull out of Gaza due to the demographic threat exemplified by the increasing number of Palestinian inhabitants, thus resulting

EU stall before political crisis

By Paul Dicken News Editor ROCCO BUTTIGLIONE, a member of the new EU commission, has come under fire from various political groups within the EU after he called homosexuality a "sin" and described single mothers as "not very good people".

BARROSO: hang on a minute Mr Buttiglione was due to take up the role of home affairs and justice minister in the commission, which has the responsibility of proposing legislation.

His comments led to threats from a large number of MEPs, who said they would vote against the new commis-

sion that was due take over on November 1. The commission’s takeover has now been postponed, while the EU decide the best course of action.

Manuel Barroso, the leader of the new commision, took the decision to suspend his designates from taking office after the controversy of Mr Buttiglione’s coments.

Mr Barroso said: “I have come to the conclusion that if a vote is taken today, the outcome will not be positive for European institutions or for the European project”.

His decision to postpone operations was well received by MEPs, and Barroso was quoted as saying that his move hadn’t weakened the authority of the commission.

The 24 commissioners cannot be rejected by the parliament individually; legislation means that MEPs must accept or reject the entire commission.

While Mr Barroso decides what to do, the existing commissioners, led by Romano Prodi, will remain in office.

Unfortunately, the signing of the EU constitution in Rome, due to take place on Friday 29 October, will be over shadowed by the controversy, as

EU PARLIMENT: MEPs unhappy the Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, comes under pressure to replace the Mr Buttiglione with a less controversial candidate.

But Burlusconi seems reluctant to change his choice of candidate despite, reports in the Italian press.

From Mr Barroso’s perspective just removing Buttiglione might create a “domino effect” and be bad for the commission. He told the BBC that he could make “several changes” to his current team. He highlighted that the diferent “political families” within the EU would have preferences.

Other commissioner-designates who have come under criticism are the Hungarian up for the energy post and a Dutch businesswoman who is taking charge of competition.

in heightened fears over Jewish democracy.

Opinion also exists that this controversial move, on the part of Sharon, will precipitate the end of his political career. Benjamin Netanyahu, the Likud party leadership rival, has threatened to quit unless a national referendum is held concerning the matter.

Ordinary Israelis have also been quick to act, venting their frustration.

The caption: ‘We assassinated Rabbin.

We will get Sharon’ has been sprayed onto the building blocks of Jerusalem.

This may, however, be the first step towards further Israeli withdrawals. If all goes to plan with minimal disruption. Negotiations to establish a viable state may be set in motion if the ‘infrastructure’ of Palestinian violence is dismantled as demanded by Israel.

The road this winter and spring, precipitating the reality of these plans is fraught with especial political difficulty. Whoever wins the American election will also take on the ‘Middle East issue’, once again intensified by contentious plans. Dissenters within the respective Palestinian and Israeli parties will be fighting for their personal goals, as the International community as a whole continue to circulate, watching and waiting.

SERIOUS CONCERNS were raised about Yasser Arafat’s health on Thursday.

The Palestinian leader is an important figure for the his people. and symbolises a unfying vision. Mr Arafat, who is 75, is said to have a blood disorder, and will be flown to France for treatment.

More poll results, more publicity stunts. The US elections will finally happen on November 2.

In Afghanistan three foreign poll workers were kidnapped at gunpoint in the capital Kabul. One of the hostages was confirmed as BritishIrish national.

Margaret Hassan, being held in Iraq, has made another video plea, asking Tony Blair to pull British soldiers out of Baghdad and to release female prisoners.

Mrs Hassan who is the British director of Care International in Iraq has been held hostage for ten days now, but the identity of her captors is still unclear, with officials speculating that a criminal gang could be behind her snatch.

Supporters of Abu Musab alZarqawi, the most wanted terrorist leader in Iraq, relaesed video of the Japanese hostage, Shosei Koda. The Japanese government refused to change its policy in Iraq to meet the demands of the captors.

Four Britons who were held at Guantanamo Bay began suing various American military officials, including Donald Rumsfeld, for compensation.

Brazil: not just about the football and beaches

By Goergie Mavrakis Reporter BRAZIL IS increasingly being seen as a major global and political nation.

Despite being the second most populous country in the western hemisphere, a beacon of multicultural democracy and a provider of foodstuffs to a hungry world, Brazil lacks any real global political prowess.

Choosing to ignore the country’s boom and bust economic history and their military deficiencies, Brazil’s ambitious proletarian President, Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, hopes to enter global ranks through ‘the geopolitical back door’, by initiating measures such as peacekeeping missions to Haiti and endeavouring to sustain domestic political stability.

With a strong leadership of poor nations in world trade talks and its emerging role as a Latin American conflict mediator, Brazil has caught the eye of many rich nations, Though numerous critics have seen this move as nothing more than naïve aspiration, Marcio Marconini, of the Brazilian Centre for International Relations think tank, has noted a trend in countries wanting to ‘make a jump to the power politics game’, posing the obvious question: are they going to hurt themselves in the process?

However fast this may develop, if Brazil continues to move up the global political ladder, not only will it strengthen the country’s influence in trade disputes, but in the long term boost the self esteem of the Brazilian people and ultimately contribute to a blossoming economy.

RIO: building up for the big-time

Carrie

November 1 2004

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grcolumnist@cf.ac.uk

Carrie

FARWELL

GIVES AS GOOD AS SHE GETS

Tactics of trust in Iraq Who’s next in line?

T F he only elections that matter in the movement of British troops are the Iraqi elections in January. This is what Tony Blair has been so keen to reinforce in the minds of the British public.

The Prime Minister is adamantly denying any connection between the re-deployment of British forces and the boost that it may offer to the George Bush re-election campaign.

The announcement, possibly one of the most ill-handled of all in the history of this Labour government, has divided even pro-war MPs and is emerging as a huge political risk for Blair.

Sending in excess of 850 British troops to an area dubbed the ‘triangle of death’, situated south-west of Baghdad, could be the most decisive element to Blair’s chances of survival.

Despite the PM’s assertions that the Iraqi elections are the primary focus of the troop movements, he cannot deny the implications that it will have on deciding his own fate.

The deployment has meant that troops are filling in for American soldiers in the Iraqi towns of Iskandariyah, Latifiyah and Mahmudiyah. The area has seen growing resistance since April and is acknowledged as a major obstacle in the coalition’s struggle for control.

The troops will be supporting a possible American assault on Fallujah, a rebel stronghold west of Baghdad.

British soldiers, including those from Black Watch, are currently forming a blocking-force against rebels trying to enter the city.

The movement is part of a coalition strategy to suppress Fallujah perma-

nently and restore order in the area ahead of the Iraqi elections, scheduled for January next year. Resolute that the elections will go ahead, the coalition leaders are more than aware of the ticking clock and mounting pressure.

In addition to the relentless fighting and numerous uprisings in selected areas of Iraq, there remains a multitude of administrative problems that the coalition has yet to overcome.

Iraq has a population of around 25 million people (although the precise figure is unknown) and has no current electoral register. With the promise of

“There remains a multitude of administrative problems” a nationwide vote in four months’ time, a lot of practical work still needs to be done.

But of course this is a small problem for the coalition in light of the growing death tolls and persistent attacks on soldiers, aid workers and police. The threat posed by insurgents is no doubt creating fears in the minds of administrators. Rebels currently hold a vast amount of power, both in respects of Western media output and on the streets of Iraq.

Just as kidnappers are controlling Western coverage of hostages and beheadings, rebels are dictating the safety of Iraqi towns. If suicide

IT SEEMS THAT COLUMN INCHES in national newspapers are distinctly dictated by a self-centred mindset. Why a wellrespected national broadsheet chose to print an article covering Africa’s worst crisis in decades on its fourteenth page last week remains unclear.

The shocking findings of an Amnesty International report into the situation in the Democratic Republic of Congo barely featured in the pecking order of news stories.

After a five-year war that claimed the lives of over three million people and an ensuing humanitarian catastrophe, revelations that the Congolese government is unable to cope are surely much more of a burning issue than the British press care to suggest.

Although the war was declared to be at an end in 2003, there are still problems in the Congo. The government’s indifference at improving the crippled health sector is needlessly killing civilians already traumatised by the conflict.

The Amnesty report also highlights how the 40,000 women and girls that were raped within the last six years of conflict are currently still unable to receive appropriate medical care. In addition, the report revealed that new cases of rape are still emerging, some as recent as June this year. With the threat of civil war re-surfacing in recent months, the violence is clearly not subsiding.

Calls for a global effort to improve security in parts of the Congo should surely not be spared from the front pages of our newspapers. The matter is urgent and just because it is not occurring on our own doorstep doesn’t mean that it should be overlooked.

The crisis in Congo has been labelled as one of the worst wars in decades and it’s about time that the rest of the world opened its eyes to this reality.

bombers are willing to drive themselves into crowds of people being recruited by Iraqi police officers, then they will be more than willing to do so with crowds of voting civilians. The fatality potential at the polling stations next year is much more of a burning issue for administrators.

So securing Fallujah is just one step in the run-up to the elections early next year. But with estimates from British commanders that there are between 30,000 and 40,000 insurgents in Iraq, plus foreign fighters, attention must not become too focussed on meeting election deadlines.

Addressing other problems is equally as crucial in the fight for democracy. For example, British and American media are currently playing directly into the hands of kidnappers. By offering large amounts of publicity to the taking of hostages, they are re-enforcing the rebels’ actions and showing them that their tactics of emotional terrorism are working on the West. Kidnaps will continue to occur unless media attention is re-focussed, not so we shut our eyes to the hostages, but so we can avoid giving the terrorists what they want.

Then there is the issue of maintaining the control that allied forces currently exercise in other parts of Iraq.

Who will replace British troops in the south now they are moving to northern Iraq? There is little doubt that George Bush has completely underestimated the scale of the conflict, but Britain has now accepted this and is being forced to act accordingly.

Hoon and Blair have decided that sending our troops north is the appropriate course of action. The British public may well say that our troops are clearing up after the Americans, but these words of criticism won’t change the situation in Iraq.

Blair has made it more than clear that he wishes to remain firmly on the Bush band-wagon and he has come too far down the road to pull out of Iraq now. Countering the shortfalls in US soldiers is one way to approach the growing levels of insurgency in Iraq, but it will take more than troop re-deployments to achieve and maintain a stable democracy in the country.

Equally, setting deadlines that promise British troops will be home for Christmas is not what the British public want to hear. Regaining support on the home front is about government honesty. The essential work that remains to be done by coalition forces in Iraq should not be blurred by political games. Attentions should be firmly focussed on restoring peace in Iraq, not on meeting election deadlines and pleasing the voting public back home.

irst it was Tony Blair, then it was Boris Johnson and now it’s Prince Harry’s turn. Although the Prince’s fracas outside a West End nightclub last week is far from defying UN Charter by launching a full-scale war or attacking the emotional failings of an entire city, demands for an apology are still not far off.

We have become a nation in pursuit of apology after apology, and for what reason? The case for war is a totally different matter, but take Boris Johnson’s pointless excursion to Liverpool this month. Why on earth did Michael Howard see it fit to send Johnson all the way up to the Mersey to plead for forgiveness from a city that admits it largely didn’t even read the comments that were made in The Spectator?

Aside from making a farce of the entire episode, the whole thing would have been disregarded if it hadn’t been for the stirring of a group of non-Conservative politicians who saw it as an opportune moment to gain territory from an already flagging Tory popularity.

Howard’s stunt to offer humility and reconciliation to the people of Liverpool has probably gone just as unnoticed as Boris’s comments were in the first place. If not, his efforts have surely done more damage by lending unnecessary publicity to the comments of a lesser-known MP. And then there is Prince Harry’s most recent stint in the papers. After he lunged at a photographer outside a London nightspot, leaving him with a bloody lip, calls have been made for Harry to apologise to the photographer in question.

The Prince is however refusing to say sorry, and who can blame him?

After a few rounds of vodka cocktails and tequila slammers it’s perhaps understandable that the prince lost his cool with an uncompromising member of the paparazzi. He may have acted inappropriately but Harry’s indignation towards the British press is not completely irrational in light of his history with the camera-snapping pests.

Prince Harry has grown up having to make his mistakes in front of the press and his vulnerability has increased considerably since leaving Eton last year. Under an agreement between newspaper editors and Clarence House, Princes William and Harry are deemed untouchable by the press whilst they remain in full-time education. William is currently still studying at St. Andrews and so he is fully protected by the agreement, but the younger and less cautious of the two is now susceptible to the ruthless claws of the British media.

This is the second time that Harry has been in the press recently, and it probably won’t be the last.

Senior royal aides have also been defending the Prince after a former teacher at Eton accused him of cheating in his art A-level coursework. And then there was the defensive set up by Highgrove to confront accusations of Harry’s cannabis-smoking and underage binge-drinking exploits in past months.

It seems that the latest damage done to the prince’s image is wearing thin on royal aides.

Denying Harry’s status as a ‘party Prince’ may turn out to be somewhat of a tiresome task. No doubt there are cries of panic echoing in the corridors of Clarence House as fears grow of how Harry will occupy himself until he starts at Sandhurst in January.

But being on the receiving end of the paparazzi is something that Prince Harry is used to and the press should cut him some slack. He isn’t asking for sympathy but the freedom to make mistakes and not have their every detail splashed across the tabloids.

Nobody can hail themselves as the utmost model of social responsibility and so why should we expect this from another person? Harry has had to learn the hard way and we should at least grant him the dignity to do so away from the prying eyes of the paparazzi.

AGREE? DISAGREE? EMAIL ME AT GRCOLUMNIST@CF.AC.UK AND IF IT’S ANY GOOD, I MIGHT EVEN PRINT IT

Editorial & Opinion

Page 8

November 1 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd

FREE WORDS By-election blues YET AGAIN the by-elections had the same disappointing turn-out.

The lack of any contested positions meant that none of the candidates were ever worried about not being elected to their respective positions.

Few students appeared to take any interest in the proceedings to the extent that all those up for election need not have bothered with the formality of the voting process and the count.

The general apathy surrounding the non-sabb positions is hardly heartening for those who put their head above the parapet and subjected themselves to the public vote.

All the new non-sabb officers can at least take pride that they were active enough to want to take on what can be difficult and challenging jobs.

But the low turnout essentially means that nobody cared whether or not these were the right people for the job.

Democracy is the cornerstone of any healthy organisation but despite more publicity than ever before for a by-election students still appear not to care enough to vote.

If those elected now do a bad job only those who actually bothered to put pen to ballot paper can justifiably complain.

James Emtages’ Student Stereotypes Judith: the career-driven librarian

J

udith is over the moon. She’s just been promoted from the loans desk to the information desk in the Arts & Social Studies Library - a position which she’s had her eye on for a while now.

She never in a million years thought she’d get it, as all her old role allowed her to do was to check books out, check books in, and hand out the odd fine. This role, however, requires a lot more of an undertaking. The librarians on the information desk are everyone’s source of all things library. A position that recognises your vast knowledge of

the endless shelves, filing cabinets and online databases as second to none.

Being offered this hot seat shows you’re ready to tackle any question thrown your way. From disorientated first years trying to find the short loan section to agitated post grads trying to read micro film. It’s even been known for lecturers to ask for help… Oh, how she wished she was on the desk for that shift.

By day Judith’s head is buzzing with codes, passwords, URL addresses and website links. In her mind she has a complete cognitive map of the entire 4

floors, tried and tested every day, and proved by her ability to locate any book in an average time of 1 minute 3 seconds (the stairs slow her sometimes). She’s also been known to find dated newspaper articles in under 30 seconds, a fact which she doesn’t like to boast herself, but doesn’t mind if someone else slips it into conversation. To her dismay, twice now she has been stumped, and both times it was from a measly undergraduate.

Discovering that she didn’t know an answer to their question was like discovering a glitch in her matrix. An

unnecessary flaw that must be fixed, immediately. Judith worked late that night.

When she finally does leave the library, she indulges herself in her own personal collection of titles, neatly stacked in the front room of her flat.

Alphabetical, of course. And subject ordered. She can’t wait for the next library social, and is particularly looking forward to telling the arrogant man from the Glamorgan library (a slight rival) that she is no longer the ‘receptionist’ as he so patronisingly put it. That’ll show him.

I’ve got those second-year blues

By Kerry-Lynne Doyle

T

he second year officially sucks. Despite managing to stay fairly sober and doing some work in my first year, this year is a shock. Looking back, some wise second years did try to warn me, but I was too caught up in enjoying university to listen to them at the time.

Now the first year seems like a dream, an experience never to be recaptured, and suddenly my degree actually

seems like something serious. Yuck.

I’m not saying that the first year is easy; it is a totally different way of studying that you have to get used to.

It’s just that last year I had time to have fun. I could go out without having to lock myself in my room for a week to make up for it. My friends and I had time to sit around, eat our weight in chocolate while watching Legally Blonde without feeling too guilty. We had time to whine, bitch and laugh our problems away.

Now I’m out at 8.30am (I can hear you crying now), my back laden with doorstop books and spending days in the library. My housemates are as busy as I am so our friendship now revolves around quick chats, the cleaning rota and whose turn it is to buy the toilet

roll. Glamorous. Girlie nights around the TV watching EastEnders and Footballers’ Wives are now memories.

We simply are too busy to see each other.

“My degree

seems like something serious. Yuck”

Sadly the learning curves of the first year are now common sense. After a year in university you know that you shouldn’t sleep with a housemate. You know that sticking to sell by dates real-

ly is advisable. You know that doing an assignment at 4am fuelled only by coffee isn’t going to get you a 2:1.

Us second, third years and postgraduates may want to revel in our melancholy but we know that we should be getting off our arses to do some work. While I can’t help wishing that I was a Fresher again I know that there’s nothing worse than feeling sorry for myself; it won’t do my work for me.

While you may see me trudging to the library at an ungodly hour with a look of sheer misery, deep down I know it will do me good.

So to all of the Freshers out there make sure enjoy yourself this year. Or next year you’ll be sitting at home wishing you’d taken advantage of your first year at Cardiff.

A drink too far?

THERE’S NO doubt the government need to do something to tackle the problem of binge drinking.

But are twenty-four hour pubs really the answer?

The café culture may work in Europe, where there is a more mature attitude to drinking, but unless the government does more to push the message that drinking to excess is as socially unacceptable as drink-driving the all-day bar is doomed to fail.

Getting drunk is part of life and the university experience as a whole but repeatedly drinking beyond excess is unhealthy for all concerned.

Most people just want reasonably priced drinks and a good night out.

What they don’t want is half-arsed government legislation being pushed through under the mistaken belief that it will improve the situation.

John Peel RIP IF YOU’VE seen any variety of news or media product this week, you will already be aware of the sad passing of a beloved legend.

It’s difficult to say anything here that has not already been said, and truly impossible to do justice to the man with mere words. You’ll find various tributes to him throughout this issue of gair rhydd and Quench. All of us at both publications have been shocked and saddened at the news.

Andrew Andersen’s

ROOM 101

A

wise man once said, ‘Back once again with the renegade master.’ I’m not quite enough of an egotistical ass to call myself a master, but I am back once again. So I’m guessing that right about now is when the angry letters start flooding into gair rhydd in protest over my incessant bitching. In which case, I better make the most of this column.

Again, the whining possibilities seem endless to me, and if I don’t decide upon a topic soon my head is liable to melt, staining my nice white shirt. Thankfully, this matter has just been settled thanks to the sudden

memory of breakfast this morning. I was eating cereal, while my flatmate’s girlfriend was watching Trisha.

Chat shows embody everything that is wrong with being human. At uni they take on an added distinction, as so very many students seem to watch them religiously.

It’s not just the hosts – and there are plenty of exceptionally bad ones – but the content that’s the problem. Some of it is just plain naïve: Trisha this morning featured ‘You’re more a mother than a lover.’ Both Annie and I agreed that this was stating the obvious. Almost all serious girlfriends are a little motherly now and again, so what? Some guys deal with it, others

don’t, case closed. Next!

And some topics are just plain ludicrous: ‘My husband doesn’t know I’m a bisexual hermaphrodite’, or some such nonsense; I don’t care! Go see a counsellor – or better yet a surgeon. Just don’t talk about it on TV. And that brings me to my final point, the guests. There is something emotionally unbalanced about anybody who thinks the key to sorting out their problems is to parade them in front of 100 audience members and 5 million TV viewers. What do you gain? Psychiatrists are at least private with comfortable leather recliners, so why add humiliation to the list of things that is wrong in your life?

I guess that in this way I can understand why people watch chat shows, because it’s embarrassingly enjoyable to watch moronic no-bodies pour out their soul in front of a camera. Additionally you get that sense of proud satisfaction that you yourself are not so worryingly stupid or irreversibly messed up.

But these small consolations cannot hide the fact that the word ‘trash’ was invented for two things. The Daily Mirror, and chat shows. Don’t give them a platform by watching them – look at Kilroy. One minute he’s solving arguments the next he’s trying to take over the world. This cannot be allowed to happen.

November 1 2004

Editorial & Opinion

Page 9

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Menace to sobriety

Caleb Woodbridge considers the advantages of living student life sober

I

don’t drink. Well, obviously I do drink certain liquids otherwise I’d be long since dead of dehydration, but in the traditional student sense of "consuming copious amounts of alcohol", no.

No, I’m not mad, I don’t have some strange medical condition and I haven’t been brainwashed by some loony cult, but I’ve decided that for my first term here at Cardiff at least my level of alcohol intake per week is going to be a big fat zero. I expect the question which rapidly springs to mind is "Why?" Well, for one thing I simply just don’t particularly like it. When I have had alcoholic beverages, I just didn’t like the taste, smell and so on. Some strange people in the world don’t like pizza, Marmite or even chocolate, but this particular strange person happens to find alcohol rather unappealing. But not only in taste, since it’s pretty unappealing in its effects.

What’s the big attraction, really?

You drink away your precious cash, wander around as a semi-conscious idiot, wake up the following day with

“Be a real rebel, and take the fruit juice instead” the mother of all headaches and then your friends show you the photos of what you did the night before.

Somehow I don’t think I’m particularly strange when I’m not rushing to join in something likely to make me end up with my head over a toilet bowl spewing up yesterday’s dinner.

You don’t need to drink to have a good time. It’s perfectly possible to go a bit mad without booze, as anyone who’s seen my dramatic performance of Jabberwocky when I’m high on fizzy cola mid-afternoon can attest (I’m also available for dinners and children’s parties).

Looking round the Societies’ Fair, I wondered why so many student clubs and societies feel the need to sell themselves on their number of pub crawls. Their confidence in the charms of their chosen interest must be pretty low if they need to bribe people with promises of booze. Most of the societies have pursuits and activities that are perfectly enjoyable in their own right (well, I assume so, anyway.

Rugby, for example, is another semimasochistic pursuit which I don’t

understand the appeal of, but some people obviously enjoy it).

Ah, but alcohol is a social lubricant, you might argue. Perhaps - but I’d rather be my ordinary self rather than a drink-addled parody of who I actually am. And I’m also pretty bothered by that poster, "Beer: helping ugly people have sex since the dawn of time." Call me idealistic, but if the only way for me to bed someone is for the two of us to be in a drug-induced stupor then I’d rather not do so at all.

There’s another practice that involves the use of drugs in order to get a shag out of someone: rape by drink spiking. Obviously there are big differences, since alcohol is usually self-inflicted, and is legal and socially acceptable, but there is something of a similarity there, the same pathetic

desperation at root, and I find that pretty unsettling.

Don’t get me started on the sheer stupidity of drinking as some kind of rebellion. Every freshers’ mag, every advert, every article on student life, they all shout out that boozing is part and parcel of the whole student thing if someone thinks that going along with all that is somehow nonconformist… well, let’s just say they’re a few beers short of a brewery. By now, drinking is passé, unoriginal, even dull, especially if traffic cones come in to the experience. Be a real rebel, and take the fruit juice instead.

I’m certain you’ll have seen many articles about binge drinking, especially if you’ve been reading recent editions of this esteemed publication, which has reported on various initiatives to curb the problem.

I won’t trot out scare stories about conked-out livers and the like. You know the kind of problems that result from heavy drinking. Quite frankly, I’d rather avoid them like the plague.

University is a time when you begin to develop the habits of adult life - do you really think you’ll stop having a boozeheavy lifestyle just because you’ve graduated?

Not drinking is much healthier not only for your liver, but on your wallet.

Yes, it’s fine to splash out and spend some of that hard-earned student loan on going out, but just think of the money you’ll save if you cut down on the number of beers and vodkas. I hesitate to mention such dirty words such as "self-control" and "discipline" in a student newspaper, but you might one day decide that they are pretty nifty concepts.

Of course, there is such thing as drinking in moderation. I certainly don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with drinking. If you want to go

out and have a pint, that’s great. Once I’ve made my stand, shown my colours and hopefully made my mark, I may well join you for one myself, if I can find some suitable beverage I actually like. So why am I currently making this quixotic charge against the monolithic windmill of student drinking? I want to demonstrate that you don’t need booze. I want to make it easier for people to choose not to drink, since each person who chooses not to, reduces, oh so slightly, the pressure that our drinking culture exerts. I’m not trying to dissuade people from drinking as such, but I hope to demonstrate by my actions that the choice exists.

Let me just make myself clear: I’m not saying that people go out of their way to make those who don’t drink feel bad, or pressurise them into it -

“Drinking is passé, especially if traffic cones are involved” though that can happen. It just isn’t necessary. As social beings, we instinctively try and blend into the crowd. The all-pervasiveness of alcohol in our perceptions of the student lifestyle is enough to seduce people into going along with what we are led to believe is the norm.

So I challenge you to join me. Take a break from the boozing. Break down the student stereotypes, have fun, free of vomiting and hangovers, set yourself free to choose fizzy pop and fruit juice! Well, I’ve made my choice on the matter, now be free to make yours.

Rage against the dying of the light

By Will Dean

W

hen I first heard John Peel had died my feelings were the same as everyone else. I was absolutely shocked.

How could someone who had been such a mainstay of broadcasting suddenly just disappear without even being cast ill first?

Now we reach our twenties, it seems lots more famous people are dying who shouldn’t be. The thing that shocked me most when Diana died was that she was the kind of person who had always seemed to be around. She just wasn’t the dying type.

When Greta Garbo died in 1990 it must have been really odd for people of my parents’ generation because she

had always been around. To me it would have seemed irrelevant, some crusty old black and white film star who I’d never even heard of.

In 2035, when I reach the grand old age of 50, Tom Cruise will be 77, and

“Lots more famous people are dying who shouldn’t be”

probably teetering close to the edge (of being alive - that is). The thought of a world without a Tom Cruise, or a Julia Roberts or David Beckham seems unimaginable when they currently

dominate our cultural spectrum so efficiently.

I must be getting old. I keep thinking that things ought to just stay the same. My own worldview has expanded at such a rate since I was 11 that I know too many people who are going to pop their clogs and when they do it’s going to depress me.

John Peel isn’t the first. Despite not being a great admirer, I couldn’t believe it when Brian Clough died a few weeks ago. However, when the great Bill Nicholson, who was way before my time, passed away last weekend it might as well have not registered. Don’t blame me for lack of empathy; without any memories of the man how could I miss him?

Older generations must find it hard

to take when icon after icon of their era kicks the bucket. The death of seemingly immortal stars throws our own fragile existence into perspective. If they are going to die, then we must too.

Yikes!

We don’t grow old with people in the public eye. We grow old with our families. Ubiquity on our screens and on the radio seems to make celebrities stay, as Bob Dylan once put it, forever young. Obviously they are all going to join the Hollywood Walk of Fame in the sky at some point but, bloody hell, why does it have to be the good celebrities like John Peel?

So, my message to famous people I admire is this; don’t die. Cheers.

R.I.P. John. You will be missed.

Page 10

Political Opinion

November 1 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Higher salaries mean higher standards In light of the publication of MPs’ expenses, Andrew Mickel argues the case for increasing wages to ensure that standards are kept high in parliament

T

his month MPs’ expenses were revealed in full for the first time. As expected, the league tables were met with shrill cries that must have turned ‘gravy’ and ‘train’ into the media’s most used words of the week.

Average expenses currently stand at £118,000 per MP, but if we want MPs who are able to govern us properly, aren’t these high costs excusable?

It should, first of all, be made clear that these are only expenses, and come on top of the usual annual salary of £58,000. The fact is that this is a relatively small wage to pay a trade professional.

We do not need professional politicians who are purely in it for the money and the power. However, individuals with necessary skills in the House of Commons, such as lawyers and engineers, can easily earn higher wages in conventional jobs.

It is therefore unsurprising that MPs often choose to make the most of the expenses (which in certain categories are really just perks) in their everyday work.

Expenses are an easy political target, but some claims are clearly indisputable.

All MPs need several staff to keep in touch with their constituents and they also require offices and equipment in both Westminster and their constituencies; these are both paid for by expenses. Plus, previously high levels of travel repayment are being slashed by two thirds to make them

more realistic.

These three categories represent most of the average expenses. They are, by nature, expensive and therefore often cannot be avoided.

The headlines accusing wastage are meaningless without looking at individual cases. Each constituency will have to assess the claims made by their own MP on their personal merits.

The highest claiming MP provides a case in point. Claire Curtis-Thomas, a Labour MP from Liverpool, claimed £168,889. A former Cardiff student and University of Wales lecturer, Curtis-Thomas is undoubtedly a valu-

“There is less incentive for corruption if there are higher wages” able asset to Parliament as the only female engineer to hold a seat.

Ms Curtis-Thomas and her team have managed to visit every one of the 33,000 houses in her constituency, a distinctive way of dealing with disengagement. She has also lobbied effectively for wrongly accused teachers and social workers, as well as being an active member of the Home Affairs Select Committee.

Behind the numbers, Ms Curtis-

Thomas can therefore be seen to have worked hard and used her money wisely. She has spread most of her spending across holding surgeries, staffing and stationery to contact and reply to her constituents.

Her example can be contrasted with the lowest claiming MP, Michael Trend of Windsor. In the only major scandal to result from the publication of the expenses list, Mr Trend claimed costs on a London home that he did not even possess. The Conservative MP has since announced that he will step down at the next election.

These two extreme examples point to the same, admittedly unlikely, conclusion: we should pay our MPs more.

There is less incentive for corruption if there are higher wages.

In Focus: Kenya after Kanu

By Marielle Smith IT IS almost two years since Daniel arap Moi stepped down and left Kenya’s political stage free for Mwai Kibaki. Forty year’s rule by the Kenya African National Union (Kanu) were concluded with the triumph of Kibaki’s party known as the National Rainbow Coalition in December 2002.

This was a truly momentous event in Kenya’s history, because it meant the fall of one of Africa’s last remaining ‘Big Men’ who had ruled the country for almost a quarter of a century.

What is more, both the elections and hand over of power took place fairly and peacefully, with an air of optimism at the beginning of a new era.

But after such a promising start, how is President Kibaki’s government performing two years on?

Whilst Moi’s regime maintained the stability of the country, it was characterised by ethnic favouritism, corruption and political repression. This became most evident in 1982 when Moi banned all other political parties.

Violent outbursts from his people, coupled with pressure from foreign donors, forced him to hold multi-party elections in 1992. But despite this, Moi won the 1992 and 1997 elections (although claims that the elections had

been fixed were widespread).

But the 2002 general elections saw the opposition party, known as the National Rainbow Coalition (NARC) win in a landslide victory. NARC is an alliance formed between a number of different ethnic groups and initially represented a new hope for Kenyans.

After so many years of watching Moi run their country into the ground, Kenyans saw the massive potential offered by NARC’s unique alliance.

However, it soon became apparent that a party comprised of such disparate agendas could easily run into problems.

Today, as predicted, in-party feuds are prolonging the promised re-writing of the constitution and urgent issues are not being addressed. Problems of sexually transmitted disease, poverty, poor infrastructure and the country’s declining economic status are taking a dangerous back seat in Kibaki’s agenda.

Also worrying is the infiltration of ex-Kanu men into NARC. They shrewdly changed sides into the coalition when they saw Moi’s ship sinking.

Although Kibaki appears to be taking a stand against the corruption that was so prevalent in Moi’s government, it seems that little has changed.

Despite the coalition’s efforts, scandals and corruption persist in Kenya’s gov-

ernment.

The Kanu is still a serious contender and whoever is chosen for chairmanship in January has the potential to alter the political balance in Kenya.

Uhuru Kenyatta, the leader of Kanu and son of Kenya’s founding president, remains hopeful. But in elections that are scheduled for 2007, will we see youth triumph over the age and experience that won the election for 73-yearold Kibaki in 2002?

With sixty per cent of Kenyans aged 24 years and under, perhaps the country needs a more youthful president, one who is more in touch with the needs of his people.

Kenyatta is young, but he was also hand-picked for succession by Moi and has very little political experience.

While many Kenyans have become disillusioned by the new coalition government, Kanu’s single ethnic party remains discredited. Perhaps NARC will soon gain enough experience in running the country to be able to put their strategies into practice effectively.

Whoever wins power in 2007, it needs to be a party who can keep to their campaign promises and fulfil the needs and expectations of the Kenyan people. This is the only way that the country’s long list of broken dreams can be finally laid to rest.

As unsavoury as this is, it remains true. At the same time, hard-working, honest MPs would have less ability to use their expenses so liberally, potentially to the point that they could be abused.

The large expenditure in such nebulous categories as ‘additional costs’ proves this point. Change could help to reinstate some public trust in the system.

To do this, the entire pay system needs to be placed under the complete control of the Senior Salaries Review Body. As with all senior civil servants, the body currently sets MPs’ pay limits, but the House of Commons can overrule these decisions as they did over pensions and housing in 2001.

It is this self-regulation that makes

MPs’ pay decisions so unfair when contrasted with other public sector workers. Although MPs have so far been constrained by public opinion, the power has to be given to an independent body.

While they have to be used carefully, the league tables this year do provide a useful way for constituents to hold their own MPs to account.

However, one clear point does emerge from this year’s expenditure and that is that raising MPs’ salaries is crucial to maintaining high standards and securing the presence of capable individuals in parliament.

Cutting expenses down to the minimum requirement is therefore a logical and necessary conclusion to draw from the expenditure debate.

Viva Las Blackpool?

By Daniel Stanton Britain could become home to 24hour mega-casinos if proposals outlined in the new Gambling Bill go ahead. The new bill, introduced

by Prime Minister Tony Blair this week, would also allow casinos to stay open on public holidays and offer unlimited jackpots.

Conservative Party leader Michael Howard has attacked the plans, claiming that they would expose young children to gambling and make it easier for people to become addicted.

Currently, anyone wishing to play at a casino must become a member 24 hours in advance. The new proposals would bring an end to that rule, and would allow casinos to be established anywhere, subject to council approval.

Blair hit back at claims that the changes outlined in the bill were too liberal, arguing that the new laws would actually give children more protection.

Under the new laws, gambling websites based in the UK would be forced to check the age of anyone taking part and it remains an offence to allow a child to gamble. The government would also ban thousands of slot machines from places such as chip shops, where it is claimed children are more likely to use them.

The gambling laws that were passed in the 1960s set a maximum jackpot of £2,000, but there would be no limit under the new proposals.

According to figures compiled by the industry itself, the gambling business in Britain is worth more than £63 billion. The plans would also allow casinos to advertise in Britain for the first time.

The relaxation of current restrictions is expected to lead to the spread of new, larger casinos in seaside towns such as Blackpool. Caesars Entertainment, the operators of Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, has already outlined plans for a new development to be based in Wembley.

The new bill is likely to be discussed in the next session of Parliament, beginning in November.

This will be a shorter session than usual, due to the impending General Election, which could make it more likely to become law because bills are often rushed through the legislative process.

Religious groups have also criticised the plans. An NOP poll commissioned by the Salvation Army found that ninety-three per cent of people believed that there was already enough gambling in Britain.

Taf-Od

1 Tachwedd 2004

Tud 11

grwelsh@cf.ac.uk

Croeso i Wersyll yr Urdd, Rithfro?

Caerdydd??

Gan Ifan Morgan Jones Gohebydd Taf-Od

Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od

Gweinydd Bwyd Cynorthwyol Caerdydd £5.75 yr awr Shifft bore dydd Llun i ddydd Sul 0630 - 1000 Shifft min-nos dydd Llun i dydd Sadwrn 1730 - 2000 Manylion/Details: Gofynion: Y gallu i siarad Cymraeg. Mae’r swydd yn ddibynnol ar brawf CRB gan yr heddlu (gan y byddwch yn gweithio gyda phobl ifanc). Rhoddir hyfforddiant mewn glendid bwyd sylfaenol, a iechyd a diogelwch.

Amlinelliad o’r swydd: Paratoi bwyd sylfaenol (e.e. brechdanau, salad a.y.b.). Paratoi cownter gweini bwyd.

Gweini bwydydd poeth ac oer o gownter gweini bwyd i bobl ifanc (7-21) ac oedolion. Ail-lenwi cownter gweini bwyd. Gweithio peiriant golchi llestri. Gwasanaethau glanhau cyffredinol Swydd/Job: Ardal/Area: Tâl/Wage: Oriau/Hours:

MAE’N SIWR gen i fod y rhan helaeth o ddarllenwyr Taf-Od wedi mynychu un o wersylloedd yr Urdd yn ystod eu plentyndod. Atgofion melys o sgio ar lethr Llangrannog neu hwyl a sbri ar Lyn Tegid. Yr wythnos hon gwahoddwyd Taf-Od i weld y ganolfan newydd ym Mae Caerdydd, sydd wedi ei lleoli yng Nghanolfan y Mileniwm. Mae’r ganolfan newyddyn werth ei gweld.

Gyda’r ganolfan yn agor ar y 26ain o Dachwedd eleni, bydd lle i 153 o wersyllwyr ddod i gael blas ar fywyd dinesig Caerdydd. Mae ei chyfleusterau’n dra gwahanol i’r hyn sydd yn Llangrannog a Glan Llyn. Yn hytrach na gweithgareddau awyr agored, mae gweithgareddau’r ganolfan newydd yn fwy seiliedig ar gelfyddydau, ac ar aty-

niadau Caerdydd. Bydd cyfle i’r gwersyllwyr fynd ar daith o amgylch y ganolfan, sy’n un o ganolfannau celfyddydol mwya’r byd, ac wedi’r daith honno cynhelir gweithdai ar eu cyfer.

Ceir hefyd gyfleoedd i ymweld â Stadiwm y Mileniwm, Y Cynulliad, Techniquest, Amgueddfa Werin Cymru, Yr Amgueddfa Genedlaethol, Pwll Mawr, Castell Coch a Chastell Caerdydd.

Mae cyfleusterau’r gwersyll newydd yma heb eu hail, gyda ffreutur, ardal i gymdeithasu, dau ystafell ddosbarth ac, wrth gwrs, ystafelloedd gwely. Mae systemau diogelwch y ganolfan yn wych, a’i hystafelloedd yn debycach i westy pum seren na gwersyll i’r ieuenctid, gyda phob gwersyllwr yn derbyn cerdyn i agor drws yr ystafell a drws y coridor sy’n arwain i’r ystafell.

Mae yno hefyd neuadd lle gall y gwersyllwyr ddangos sgiliau newydd a ddysgwyd yn y gweithdai.

Nid yn unig gwersyll newydd sydd gan yr Urdd yng Nghanolfan y Mileniwm, ond mae hefyd yn gartref newydd i swyddfeydd Eisteddfod yr Urdd a swyddfa De yr Urdd. Efallai’r hyn sy’n fwy cyffrous yw’r ffaith y bydd Eisteddfod yr Urdd 2005 yn cael ei chynnal yn y ganolfan hon; un o brif wyliau diwylliannol Ewrop yn un o ganolfannau celfyddydol gorau’r byd, yma yn ein Prif Ddinas. Digon i dynnu dwr i’r dannedd!

Un pos i orffen: pam fod pob un o wersylloedd yr Urdd o fewn tafliad carreg i ddwr?

Cymry yn erbyn Cymry: Gogs a Hwntws.

Gan Bethan Samuel Gohebydd Taf-Od YN YSTOD y pythefnos diwethaf mae gohebwyr Taf-Od wedi bod wrthi’n ceisio darganfod pam fod cymaint o gasineb rhwng y Cymry a’r Saeson. Ond mae ‘na fath arall o gasineb i’w ystyried, sy’n perthyn i’r Cymry’n unig. Pam fod cymaint o wrthdaro rhwng y Gogs a’r Hwntws???

Mae’n anodd credu fod pobl sy’n perthyn i’r un genedl yn gwrthdaro, oherwydd bod un o’r Gogledd a’r llall o’r De. Beth ar y ddaear ddigwyddodd i garu eich cyd-ddyn?

Yn amlwg, mae’r gwahaniaethau ieithyddol yn achosi tipyn o broblem.

Rydyn ni’n deall ystyr geiriau ein gilydd, y rhan fwyaf o’r amser, ond gall y gwahaniaethau fod braidd yn ddryslyd. Er enghraifft, pe bai Hwntw yn mentro i’r Gogledd ac yn gofyn am ddisgled o de, ni fydd y Gogs yn rhy hapus! Felly dyma air o gyngor i unrhyw Hwntw sy’n bwriadu ymweld â Gogledd Cymru yn y dyfodol agos : gofynnwch am "banad", a bydd pawb yn hapus! Yn yr un modd, mae’r geiriau "tost" a "sal" yn golygu union yr un peth, ond am y ffaith bod "tost" yn air deheuol, a "sal" yn air gogleddol.

Mae’r un peth yn wir am “llaeth” / “llefrith”, “nawr” / “rwan”, a “merch” / “hogan”. Yn amlwg mae’r eirfa wahanol yma’n ddryslyd dros ben i unrhyw un sy’n ceisio dysgu’r iaith Gymraeg!

Yn ystod yr wythnosau diwethaf, rydw i wedi clywed nifer o Gogs yn

cwyno nadydy’r Hwntws yn Gymry go iawn. Yn amlwg, mae’r cyhuddiad yma’n mynd i achosi cryn anfodlonrwydd ymhlith y deheuwyr. Mae Hwntws yn rhannu’r un lefel o wladgarwch â’r Gogs, yn y mwyafrif helaeth o achosion. Prif ddadl y Gogs yw nad oes llawer o Gymry Cymraeg yn byw yn y De, gyda’r mwyafrif yn y Gogledd. Mae hyn yn wir i ryw raddau; yn sicr mae mwy o Gymry Cymraeg yn y Gogledd nag yn Ne Ddwyrain Cymru, ond mae De Orllewin Cymru yn ardal hynod o Gymraeg ei naws. Profwyd hyn gan y ffaith bod tair ysgol gyfun Cymraeg wedi eu lleoli yn Sir Gaerfyrddin yn unig, heb sôn am weddill yr ardal gorllewinol. Dydy De Ddwyrain Cymru erioed wedi bod yn ardal gwladgarol dros ben; roedd hyn yn amlwg hyd yn oed yn Ionawr 1896, pan oedd David Lloyd George yn ceisio sefydlu Cynghrair Cymru Fydd Cenedlaethol.

Chwalwyd ei freuddwydion gan Ffederasiwn Rhyddfrydol De Cymru, am nad oedd ganddynt unrhyw ddiddordeb yn ceisio cryfhau’r mudiad, ac i ymladd dros Ymreolaeth i Gymru.

Ond yn ôl pob sôn, roedd y rhan fwyaf o’r deheuwyr a oedd yn bresennol yn y cyfarfod o ardal Casnewydd, lle nad oes llawer o Gymry Cymraeg. Er gwaetha’r ffaith fod y deheuwyr wedi gwrthod ymuno â Cymru Fydd yn 1896, mae’n bwysig i’r Gogs i gofio bod digon o Hwntws yn wladgarol dros ben, a bod nifer fawr ohonom yn gallu siarad Cymraeg yn rhugl!

Mae gwahnaol draddodiadau ynghlwm wrth Dde a Gogledd Cymru,

i ryw raddau. Yn y De, mae bron pawb yn cefnogwyr ffanatig o’u tîm rygbi lleol. Ond yn y Gogledd, does dim llawer o ddiddordeb ym myd rygbi.

Efallai’r prif rheswm dros hyn yw bod pob tîm profesiynnol yng Nghymru wedi eu lleoli yn y De, felly nid yw’r Gogs yn teimlo unrhyw deyrngarwch tuag at unrhyw dîm. Ond mae Undeb Rygbi Cymru yn ceisio gwella’r sefyllfa trwy leoli gêmau rhyngwladol llai pwysig ar Gae’r Ras yn Wrecsam.

Hefyd, mae chwaraewyr Llanelli yn treulio llawer o’u hamser yn y Gogledd i geisio annog y Gogs i gefnogi’r Sgarlets. Felly mae ‘na ymdrechion o ran chwaraeon i geisio gwella’r berthynas rhwng y De a’r Gogledd.

Mae’r ffaith bod prifddinas Cymru wedi ei lleoli yn y De hefyd yn achosi tipyn o wrthdaro rhwng y Gogs a’r Hwntws. Mae’r Gogs yn teimlo bod popeth wedi eu lleoli yng Nghaerdydd, sy’n boendod iddyn nhw oherwydd ei bod cyn belled o Ogledd Cymru. Yn amlwg mae nifer helaeth o atyniadau i’w mwynhau yng Nghaerdydd, ond mae hyn yn beth naturiol ar gyfer unrhyw brifddinas. Y broblem yw nad oes dinasoedd yn y Gogledd, sy’n golygu nad oes llawer o bethau nodweddiadol yn cael eu cynnal yno o gwbl. Er bod Wrecsam wedi datblygu i fod yn le llewyrchus dros ben yn ystod y blynyddoedd diwethaf, nid ydyw’n le hanner mor llwyddiannus â Chaerdydd, Abertawe a Chasnewydd.

Eto, mae hyn yn cythruddo’r Gogs ac yn cryfhau eu dicter tuag at yr Hwntws. Ond does dim wir angen

Cymru Unedig? iddynt gwyno, o leiaf mae’r Llyfrgell Genedlaethol wedi ei lleoli yn Aberystwyth, sy’n agos dros ben i’r Gogledd. Felly nid Caerdydd yw’r lleoliad ar gyfer popeth; dim ond y mwyafrif helaeth o bethau!

Er gwaetha’r ffaith bod gan y Gogs lawer o gwynion am yr Hwntws, ac i’r gwrthwyneb, mae’r elfen gystadleuol rhyngddynt yn ddigon cyfeillgar.

Mae’r holl wlad yn ddigon parod i ymuno â’i gilydd a sefyll fel un pan fo’r angen yn galw. Rydyn ni i gyd yn Gymry, felly does dim wir angen gwrthdaro rhwng y Gogs a’r Hwntws.

Mae angen i ni i fod yn genedl unedig, er mwyn ein galluogi i sefyll yn gadarn yn erbyn y Saeson, a phawb arall, gyda’n gilydd!

Croeso mawr, felly, i’r Rhithfro (virtual-vale yw’r cyfieithiad trwsgl Saesneg), gwlad fytholegol lle mae popeth yn y Gymraeg a’r safbwynt yn un gwbl Gymreig.

Gwerth nodi felly mai ‘illusion’ yw ystyr arall i’r gair ‘rhith’, am mai dim gwlad go iawn yw hwn, ond un sy’n bodoli’n gyfan gwbwl ar y rhyngrwyd. Ond rhith neu beidio, dyma un o’r ychydig fannau lle gall y Gymraeg ymffrostio yn ei llwyddiant.

Mae’r diolch yn bennaf i un fforwm drafod. Pe baech yn edrych dros hanes yr iaith Gymraeg a’r we, Maes-E fyddai amlycaf fel un o’r tirnodion pwysicaf. Y fforwm drafod hon a gyfunodd yr iaith a’r we mewn modd mor llwyddiannus.

Mae’r syniad mor syml, ac mae’n rhyfeddod na feddyliodd neb amdano ynghynt, am mai’r we yw’r lle perffaith i bobl sy’n siarad ieithoedd lleiafrifol gyfathrebu’n effeithiol.

Mae’r Fro Gymraeg (wedi ei ddiffinio gan Cymuned, fel yr ardaloedd lle mae 50% a mwy o'r rhai a gafodd eu geni yng Nghymru a dros draean o'r boblogaeth gyfan yn medru siarad Cymraeg, yn ôl Cymuned) yn diflannu’n gyflym, am resymau sy’n hen ddigon cyfarwydd i bawb erbyn hyn. Pa ffordd well i ddiwyllaint a iaith ar wasgar dros Gymru a’r byd gadw mewn cysylltiad â’i gilydd nag ar y we?

Mae’n anodd yw dweud bod yr iaith yn marw pan ei bod yn bosibl treulio pori heb orfod dod ar draws unrhyw iaith arall. Rhith-werddon fach yw hon i’r Gymraeg, ac un y dylen ni gyd gymryd mantais ohoni.

Ond dyna ddigon am y rhithfro ddelfrydol, berffaith honno. Does dim pwynt cael cannoedd o dudalennau Cymraeg os nad oes diddordeb i’w ddarllen. Yn sicr, mae Maes-E yno, yn declyn perffaith i bawb roi eu barn, ond beth arall sydd gan y rhithfro i’w gynnig?

Mae tyfiant y gweflog (neu blog) yn nodedig, yn bennaf am ei fod yn gyfrwng mor hyblyg, a bod posibl gwneud bron unrhyw beth gydag ef.

Mae yna flogiau sy’n ddyddiadur o fywyd dydd i ddydd (un hoffus iawn, wedi ei ysgrifennu gan fyfyriwr o Gaerdydd), blogiau am ymgyrchu drwy’r Gymraeg, blogiau am farddoniaeth, nofel-flogiau ffuglen, a’r rhestri arferol o ddolenni diddorol.

Mae bron i hanner cant ohonynt ar gael ar hyn o bryd, a’r rheini’n hollol Gymraeg, a’n hollol unigryw o ran eu cynnwys.

Mae gwefannau mwy uchelgeisiol hefyd, sy’n cynnig amrywiaeth o ddewis i’r defnyddiwr. Gweler Unarddeg.com, er enghraifft, sydd wedi cyfalafu ar dyfiant diweddar y Sîn Roc Gymraeg, gan gynnig amseroedd gigiau, adolygiadau, a MP3au i’w llawrlwytho, i’r rheini sydd am ffurfio barn bersonol. Ond ei defnydd pwysicaf yw dangos i artistiaid cerddoriaeth Cymraeg sy’n ystyried ffurfio band bod cynulleidfa i werthfawrogi eu hymdrechion a’u gallu, ac i gael barn di-flewyn-ardafod am safon y perfformio.

Mae’r we, a chyfrifiaduron yn gyffredinol, yn rhan hollbwysig o’n dyfodol ni fel hil ddynol. Mae angen i’r Gymraeg gael gafael da ar awenau’r dechnoleg newydd yma, ac felly mae tyfiant y iaith Gymraeg ar y we yn hollbwysig. Mae’n ddechrau da hyd yn hyn, beth bynnag. Ymlaen i’r dyfodol felly!

US Elections

Page 12

November 1 2004

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Maid in America

By B. Lynn Glazeski, In Nebraska, Omaha, US With every turn, there is slogan after slogan, nearly all of which shout to the reader, “DO NOT VOTE BUSH!” Some may think I am referring to an anti-Bush website, campaigning against the current administration, in favour of Senator John Kerry.

In actuality, this is the scene at most local bus stops near the University of Nebraska at Omaha campus. All of this is topped off by a young gentleman, wearing a t-shirt stating “No Dick, No Bush”.

“It’s everywhere!” said Anna Glazeski, a second year Studio Art major at UNO. “You can’t go anywhere without seeing something declaring how evil Bush is. Seems like everyone around here is a Kerry fanatic.”

It really is everywhere. Omaha is plastered with fliers stating the feelings of the student body, especially around campus. Where there was once Hispanic gang graffiti, there is now a defaced poster of Bush.

Even though the UNO campus is so permeated with the fliers and ads for the Kerry supporters, they do have their share of Bush supporters. It is just that those who are supportive of Bush are rather quiet, or are not taken very seriously because of their fanaticism.

However, the case in Omaha is not the case for the rest of the state.

Here in Lincoln, Nebraska, a mere 45-minute drive from the Omaha campus, the University’s Lincoln campus is abuzz with election campaigning.

Nebraska is a swing state, never solidly in one single party affiliation as a whole. It provides a small-scale representation of the full spectrum, and my eyes have been open to all.

The UNL campus is the largest college campus in the state, with 25,000+ students attending. The population is diverse in nearly every aspect. We have international students as well as American students, we are public, we are co-ed, and the students are very, very vocal.

Whether it be chalking up the Plaza with slogans and names, or handing out pamphlets from a precariously positioned table, students are making statements, and they are making them loud and clear.

There was even a time when some rather insistent students were chalking messages on the Students’ Union building itself.

Soon after that came what we call the “street preachers” - a group of over-zealous men who preach damnation and salvation to the passing students.

They took up the campaigning, and started many an argument. You see, the street preachers are very Republican, while a good chunk of the student body is liberal/Democrat. With so

many hot issues on the ballots this time around, it is a wonder that no one got killed.

With the election growing ever nearer, there seems to be a rather distinct line being drawn within the student body. There are many Christian organizations here at UNL, and everyone that I talked to that was highly involved in such groups was determined to vote Bush. For these students, the debate is “What is more important, faith or politics?”

Therefore, their votes are Bush-ward because of his dedication to his own personal beliefs.

“I mean, look at Kerry,” says Tiffany Heidtbrink, a junior Journalism major, and member of the largest on-campus Christian group, Campus Crusade for Christ (Cru). “He is letting his stance in politics take away from his faith. What kind of dedication does that show? I am voting

BUSH: Supporters are “fanatical” for Bush because I really respect his dedication to God, and how he isn’t afraid to let it be part of his job.”

I then asked Heidtbrink to talk about her feelings on the separation of church and state - a key point in our government that is stipulated in the Constitution. I began by putting forward my case: “I really respect Kerry and his dedication to the politics. He understands that even though he may have his own strong Catholic faith, that not everyone is a believer in that. Kerry isn’t trying to impose his personal beliefs on the country.”

Before Heidtbrink had replied, a fellow student piped in. “You see, that’s exactly why I’m voting Bush” says Miranda Benak, a senior Psychology major. “Kerry seems to be focusing on what the people want to hear. It’s like he’s putting his faith and God second on the priority list, and I don’t trust that.”

From this a heated debate erupted, causing anger and frustration.

In reality, there are Bush and Kerry supporters everywhere. The hardest part of it all, though, is what seems to be the prevailing “truth” for most students here in Nebraska, and for many others that I talked to in The States: “Both candidates should be crapped on.” This is a direct quote, from a student that wishes to remain anonymous.

Most students of voting age seem to share this sentiment. Many feel that the upcoming election on November 2nd is really a day where the nation is

charged to choose the lesser of two evils. This is of course a recurring theme in politics. But this time, most seem to believe it as truth.

The campaigns, the debates, the photographs, and the news stories they are all filled with conflicting messages and images. Both men appear to be kind and easy to approach, but their words often betray these images as mere facades.

Rumours are flying constantly, marring and clearing the records of the two men on a day-to-day basis.

Arguments abound within the student bodies of colleges all across the nation.

Quite obviously, one of the major stirring issues is the war in Iraq. This is obviously a major worldwide topic, affecting students everywhere.

I myself have two close friends currently stationed in Iraq, one in the marines, the other in the army, both far away from home for at least another year.

According to the National Priorities Project and federal reports and estimations, 14 Nebraskan soldiers have been killed, an estimated 45 wounded, and 1338 Reservists and National Guard troops are currently active.

We have all had to say our goodbyes to loved ones, whether or not we agreed with the decision to go to war.

Even the least political of Americans has become sensitive to the issue.

As the threat of draft [military conscription] becomes increasingly likely, students everywhere are feeling the bite of fear. With our nation on constant alert, and our hearts constantly missing those who have already gone to serve our country, it is highly understandable that this would affect the decisions of the young voters.

The opinions about the war are mixed. For Bush supporters, the sentiment is usually along the lines of “He did what he had to do.” There is seemingly not a lot of depth to the thought process in such statements.

Those who have taken the time to think deeply about the issue tend to side with Kerry. Not everyone who thinks critically about the war is deadset against Bush, but a good majority believe that there could have been better decisions made.

With this in mind, those who have this opinion are ready to hand the office over to someone new. The idea behind this is that perhaps with someone new, some kind of resolution can start developing.

Was the war necessary? Many students that I talked to believed that it was not. I personally have rather strong opinions about it, and could spend a whole article on Iraq - but there is another issue that I feel is worth discussing.

A 35-year-old man named Steven stands onstage, with a cigarette in one hand and a mic in the other. “Who of you are going to go out and vote on November 2nd?”

His question is met by the whooping and hollering of the crowd.

“How many of you are going to vote Kerry? All of you, right?” This is met by even louder, more persistent hollering. “Good! We don’t want to find ourselves becoming second class citizens!”

The crowd shouts their approval, and the show goes on.

This was the scene at a local bar named The Q, during an intermission of the Beauties and Beasts contest, Nebraska’s second-longest running drag queen competition.

As you may have guessed, The Q is a gay bar, and Steven was attempting to raise interest in a key issue of this election. An advertisement near the front door invites patrons to return for Kerry rallies to be held at the bar.

There is even a drink special advertised for anyone who comes in with an “I Voted Today” sticker.

It seems our world is becoming more liberal, and people are becoming

KERRY: America’s last hope? more open about their lives. The upcoming ballot provides the perfect opportunity for the emergence of voices from lifestyles otherwise kept more or less low key.

The homosexual community firmly believes that if Kerry is elected, he will bring on much needed change, and an increased respect for the freedom of speech, religion, and choice.

There are no guarantees, of course, but Bush has made his feelings quite clear: he is going to fight gay marriage. This alone seems to be a sharp impetus for the homosexual community to get involved, care, and vote.

As for students and their opinions,

a good number that intend to vote for Kerry are doing so because of this issue. The agitation of the people is increased by the perceived notion that Bush has been making moral judgments based on personal beliefs.

“He [Bush] concerns me more,” states Sakeena Siddiqi, an English major at the University of Virginia, “because I don't know if I can trust him to do what's right for the country if he's too hung up on religion. Then of course, there's the religion versus morality debate. I feel pretty strongly that you can have morality in politics without having religion.”

Sakeena’s statements are prevalent in the gay community here in Lincoln.

Kerry’s supporters seem to have a lot of respect for the fact that Kerry allows his religious beliefs to remain private. He is not afraid to share his personal beliefs, but is not going to press what he believes is right on the general community. This gives hope in the fight for equal rights that is raging between the homosexual community and the opposing section of society.

Gay marriage has been the subject of debate for months now, with individual states voting, often with differing conclusions. The gay community is now striving to make its voice known. I believe that in this year’s election, their voice is going to be one to be reckoned with.

Ultimately, you could ask any student in the States to speak on the current election and receive a meaty response. For the first time in years, you cannot get away from politics.

It used to be that there was a divide between those who cared and those who did not, but this time around is much different. EVERYONE cares.

Every student has a word, has a thought, has a reaction, and it is amazing how many are willing to speak out about it.

This one is going to be interesting.

B. Lynn Glazeski is a student at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln

Letters

Page 14

November 1 2004

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page Whilst it’s easy to dismiss the controversial opinions of others, we have to remember that however unpopular they are, people are entitled to their own opinions, no matter how much you may disagree with them.

Perri

Corrections and clarifications Following an article in Quench magazine issue 16 entitled Mr Chuffy Investigates: Domestic Violence as a Competitive Sport, we would like to make it clear that neither gair rhydd nor Ster Century support or condone domestic violence. The article was written as a satire on media reaction and the state of society and was not intended to endorse or glorify the topic in any way. gair rhydd would like to apologise for any offence caused to those who misunderstood the intention of the article.

Please email your letters to

grletters@cf.ac.uk

prizes

As always, Letters Desk have come up with a fantastic prize relative to all the hard work the letter of the week writer puts in.

This week they will be happy to find a pair of tickets to a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

The Caldicott debate continues...

Round one Dear gair rhydd, In response to Mr. Caldicott’s letter, outlining how the UK are "pledging our hard-earned cash to fund an entire continent (Africa)", I feel compelled to reply to this narrow-minded moron. "We don’t have any responsibility to the continent" and, "we have…problems of our own which are far more deserving of our taxes" are just two of the ignorant statements which Mr. Caldicott enlightens us with. If we don’t have any responsibility, who does? Are we supposed to just watch from a distance and not get involved when millions of people are starving and dying of disease? They are still human beings, they deserve as good as you or I. There are humanitarian crises all over Africa and our government feel it is necessary to help the situation by funding an improved education and health service. Who are you to argue with that?

Admittedly our public services are in disarray, but this is a separate issue. Surely helping Africa and other less Economically Developed Countries is far more deserving of ‘our’ taxes than, for example, Mr. Blair PM and his elected government spending £8m issuing all families with the booklet "What to do in a disaster", during the week of the Boscastle flooding? The most uneducated comment of them all though is, "I earn my money to pay for me and mine, not to pay for the inadequacies of foreigners". It’s not the fault of millions suffering of poverty and dis-

ease; they should be supported until things are made better, and that’s why "our Tony" is implementing the Africa Commission. So Mr. Caldicott, I would encourage a little thought of others before your next selfish ranting. You are very lucky to live in this country and not to be exposed to the kind of suffering many Africans have had to endure. Along with the rest of the UK, when I watch the images of starvation in Sudan, it makes me feel sick. Your idiotic comments are of no use to anyone.

James Woodroof.

Round two Dear gair rhydd, In response to Andrew Caldicotts letter. I’m sure I can’t have been the only one who found his latest missive tiresome and offensive. I’ll skip over the casual racism, crass and offensive generalisations and the viewing of the British Empire through industrial rose-tinted specs, and get straight to highlighting the authors total ignorance of African history, and the use of this ignorance to justify his own selfish attitude.

For instance, I’m struggling to find ‘Rhodesia’ on my map of Africa (although admittedly this is probably because the country was dissolved into Malawi, Zambia and eventually Zimbabwe between 1965 and 1980).

Perhaps Mr Caldicott has been too concerned with the current problem in Mesopotamia to consult an up-todate atlas?

Mr Caldicott also overlooks the role of western countries in Africa, who’s rapid and ill-thought out decolonisation strategies created the power vacuums where tyranny and dictatorships subsequently thrived.

Not to mention the billions we made from selling arms to the aforementioned dictators and the huge irresponsible loans we kindly offered, which have forced people away from sustenance farming and into farming

letter of the week Round four Dear gair rhydd, I am writing in response to Andrew Caldicott's letter on 18th October called "Put a stop to Labour in Africa". I found his letter an illresearched and downright offensive piece of colonialist doggerel.

Let me first state that I am not a fan of Tony Blair as he has lied to us about top-up fees and the Iraq war, but to criticise him for trying to help Africa is unreasonable. We do have a responsibility to the continent, both historically and morally.

When we colonised various African countries (something Mr. Caldicott described as "paternal care"!), we set up artificial boundaries cutting tribes in two and imposing new languages on the people. Is it any wonder there are so many border disputes and civil wars? We then pulled out without leaving a proper demo-

cratic government behind and left them to clean up our mess.

As someone who grew up in wartorn West Africa and has as many African friends as European, I find the comment "Africans are in a constant cycle of shooting each other or starving to death" racist. The people do not want war and many are starving because of unfair international trade agreements. In Senegal, for example, the EU took the fishing rights from the locals so that the Senegalese government could pay off debt at highly inflated rates. As a result there are children dying in the streets from protein deficiency. In Africa someone who does the same work as Mr. Caldicott does here to pay for "me and mine" would barely be paid enough for 2 meals a day.

We all share the same planet, why this absurd imbalance?

In answer to Mr.Caldicott's statement "we have a crumbling infrastructure of schools and hospitals", I

say no. We don't have a crumbling infrastructure, not compared to Africa, where hospitals are 1 to a 150km radius and have nothing in their windows so all manner of poisonous insects can get in, no x-ray machines and out of date medicines.

These facilities are also only available at such prices that most local people can't afford them anyway. As a matter of fact, conditions were worse under the British Empire.

In addition to the historical responsibility I would also like to think we are all human beings who cannot easily stand by and watch a fellow human, whether British or African, starve to death when there is something we can do to prevent it. So I say to Andrew Caldicott, go and visit an African country before you attack its people.

Mikey B, second year Medical Student, graduate of Bourofaye Christian School, West Africa

cash crops (such as coffee and sugar) which we then kindly buy off them at ridiculously low prices.

Now is not the time to pull the ladder up and start looking after ‘Us and Ours’ as Mr Caldicott suggests. The plundering of Africa ensured ‘Him and His’ lived well for generations, and he would do well to remember this as he seeks justification for his own selfishness and inhumanity Stanton M. Lewis, 2nd Year Maths

Round three Dear gair rhydd, Fortunately the majority of us in the UK have no need for state handouts.

Taking Andrew Caldicott’s argument to its logical conclusion I have decided that we must have no responsibility for the minority that do. Therefore fuck the old, the young, the sick, the disabled, the poor, the homeless, the persecuted, the unemployed, the abused, the hungry, the dying. In fact fuck everyone.

In effect, Mr Caldicott’s letter is a nice way of saying “I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire”. With this level of callousness and moral bankruptcy, I’ve a feeling that Mr Caldicott might end up in politics.

Tim Bisley The debate, albeit a little onesided, rages on. Whilst it’s clear that Andrew Caldicott’s opinions will continue tobe widely controversial, it may be time to put the issue to rest.

Engineering isn’t easy. Alledgedly Dear gair rhydd, As a committee member of the MMM society (which covers Mechanical, Medical and Manufacturing Engineering) I would like to write on the behalf of the soci-

text

ety when I express my concern about how one of the gr reporters believes thatsome types of engineering is 'fuzzy'.

In issue 772 (week of October 25th) there is an article about students taking 'softer' subjects. I understand the concern, and I too believe it is a growing problem. But what got to me and many friends was the comment about my degree, 'Some subjects, such as mechanical and civil engineering, went up by more than 10% and 24% respectfully this year.

This has led to fears that too many students go to university in order to study subjects that are regarded as "fuzzy".'

How can you come to that conclusion? And how can two courses that demand such a large amount of lecture and coursework time be judged as 'fuzzy'. We have at least 20 hours a week of lectures/labs/example classes, and then are supposed to do that again in background reading, coursework and doing example mathematical solutions. I must admit, not everyone does, but that is why there is a large drop-out rate. Also, are there respected professional organisations like the Institute of Mechanical Engineers for subjects like tourism? I apologise if I offend anyone doing that course, but still I'm sure people can understand if there are engineers out there who are angry!

What happened in that report?

Could you only get figures for two courses or something? I notice that earlier in the article, electronic engineering is mentioned as one of the harder subjects. So how can that be judged as difficult and others easy?

Hopefully the reporter didn't mean to write it in the context that it came across in, or there was some typing error, but could you just give them a kick in the arse for all 800-or-so mechanical and civil engineers out there in Cardiff!

Thanks, I'll get off my soap-box now and go and get on with actual work.

MMM Society Committee member Yes, yes you should.

07791165837

the lads in dynamo centurion, chosefor gaffer a blonde twat called ian, they wore ornage kits, butstill looked quitefit, so we’ll be there watching all season!

kudasai. arigatou gozaimashita!

i dun wanna repeat past probs but, that twat caldicott must never write in any paper ever again, he was rejected by thedaily mail, and must berejected by us

matt in risa last wed, took longer to get my coat than i thought! where areu now??

zack holland wanihongo gadekimasu-ne. kono shinbun yonde iru hito mo dekitara, watashi ni itte

why does caldicott think we want to read his offensive rants? i reckon its cos he has a tiny penis.

does anyoneknow where the 100 quid we paid ti enter IMG football has gone? what a disorganised pile ofballs. gary has a massive hickey

Health

November 1 2004

Page 15

grhealth@cf.ac.uk

Water water everywhere

By Farah Ahmad

Health Reporter WATER, EVERYONE drinks it and everyone needs it. That’s a fact.

However, a fact that is not so certain, however, is whether we really do need to be drinking the recomended eight glasses of water a day.

In a recent BBC programme Should I worry about…?, the claim that we should be drinking 2 litres of water a day was questioned.

It was asserted by specialists that the common acceptance that we need eight glasses of water a day is a myth.

That, in fact, we naturally absorb water from other sources and therefore may not need to drink as much as we are told.

Dr Gail Goldberg of the British Nutrition Foundation recently announced that a cup of tea, coffee or even a pint of beer would provide just as much goodness as a glass of water.

The ‘two-litre claim’ was tested by the BBC, who suggested that the myth of ‘eight a day’ is a creation of advertisers and beauty magazines to exploit our consumer desire to stay looking good.

In order to test this they took two identical twins who had very similar lifestyles. Whilst one of the twins drank the recommended two litres of water, the other carried on with her more typical quarter litre of water a day. In four weeks doctors could find no differences between the condition of their hair and skin and the twins claimed to feel no significant changes.

Despite these findings, there is no denying that we need water. Our bodies are made up of about two thirds of this component and so we constantly need to be replenishing it. This is especially true during exercise, where we can lose up to two litres in one go.

Water forms a major part of our blood, lubricates our joints and eyes, is essential for digestion and nutrient absorption, helps control the body’s temperature and flushes out waste and

Get Wet!

Our top four water facts ■ Two thirds of our bodies are made up of water ■ 70% of your skin is water ■ Not drinking enough water can lead to dehydration, tiredness, headaches, dr y skin and even high blood pressure.

■ There is the exact amount of water on Ear th today as when the Ear th was formed.

Water is never totally consumed. It always recycles itself, in one form or another.

Next issue:

toxins.

With this in mind it might not be a good idea to give up the myth just yet.

Drinking too little water can lead to dehydration, and in turn, tiredness, lethargy, headaches, an inability to concentrate, dry or cracked skin and even reduced blood pressure.

While Dr Gail Goldberg’s claim is in essence true, the fact is that sources of water such as tea, coffee and beer contain toxins which harm the body.

As Dr Goldberg points out, such drinks do contain water, but whilst only providing a small amount of H2O, they can also simultaneously deplete the natural health benefits of the water they contain.

Coffee in particular acts as a mild diuretic, which causes people to urinate more regulaly. In turn this can lead to dehydration, a cause of lethargy which will therefore effect performance. This, coupled with the stimulating effect of caffeine, may increase stress and cause a failure in concentration.

So it appears that, while you may be able to derive the liquid you need from teas, milk and even vegetables and fruit, it is necessary to remember that pure water still remains the most effective sugar free, caffeine free and alcohol free form.

We need to learn to listen to our body’s own mechanism that tells us when we need to replenish the water we’ve lost through urine and sweat. As soon as we feel thirsty, we have already become dehydrated.

Headaches, lethargy and a general lack of well-being should be tackled with

But how safe is our drinking water?

THE ONLY problem with the encouragement of drinking water is the concern to how safe and clean our tap sources are. Is it really necessary to buy into the extensive bottled water industry or can we trust out taps?

Currently the bottled water industry make around $22billion a year , an ever increasing figure. However the National Resources and Defence Council, after extensive testing and research, concluded that there is no assurance that, just because water comes out of a bottle, it is any clean-

Health in brief

By Jess Boydell Health Editor

Asthma risk to smokers Researchers have received the strongest evidence yet that smokers are more likely to develop asthma than non-smokers.

The investigation, run by researchers at the Finnish Institution of occupational Health, found that those who smoke are 33% more likely to develop asthma than those who do not.

Smoking has often been thought to aggrivate this problem, but until now its cause has been disputed.

Exam Stress

WATER: Is the wet stuff just going down the plug-hole? er or safer than water from the tap.

In fact, an estimated 25 percent or more of bottled water is really just tap water in a bottle that may have been further treated.

In the recent report by the WWF it was found that bottled water is mainly tested in internal labs, creating biased results that make it less trustworthy than our tap.

About 70% of our tap water comes from reservoirs or rivers with a further 30% being taken from underground sources. It goes through an intensive treatment process to make it safe for human consumption but the drinking water available from our taps is perfectly adequate to replenish our fluid loss.

In 1999, according to Which?

Online, 98.8 per cent of tap water sampled passed drinking water inspectorate tests. This is further supported by Brita, who provide water filters. Brita provide this product to people whose water doesn’t always taste, look or smell as good as many of us would like because of the safe chlorine and sediment residuals in tap water.

Another worry is the recent allegations that our water now contains hormones- traces left from the increase in women taking the contraceptive pill.

An article in The Evening Standard questions the increase in sex-change fish in our rivers and a decrease in the sperm count of men- all pointing at an increase in the consumption of oestrogen levels through water.

However, the Health authorities and the BBC are maintaining that there are no traces. In ‘Should I worry about…?’, they completed tests on the local water and found no oestrogen chemicals present. If the quality of your water worries you, the best solution is to purchase a water filter that will enable you to control the natural properties.

You can look up the quality of your own tap water in Cardiff on www.dwi.gov.uk.

A US report suggests that pre-exam stress does affect exam performance.

Researchers at Ohio State University followed 19 first year students for two days before, and seven days after an exam, to compare their performances.

They found that any stress the students experienced actually reduced their ability to deal with complex, open-ended questions.

However, in exams with simpler tasks, such as memorising numbers, students did better under pressure.

Optomentry go Atlantic Optometrists from around the world came together last week on a new PHD programme for Cardiff University.

Launched on October 22, the new course saw Cardiff join with the Pennsylvania College of Optomentry, Philadelphia, to create a programme consisting primarily of clinically based reasearch.

Nine candidates from as far as Israel and Norway enrolled last week on the new course.

Did you know?

Each year 120,000 people die from smoking related diseases.

If you would like further information or would like a test contact: Cardiff University Health Centre, 47 Park Place. Tel: 029 20784810

Coming up on the next health page...

Kristen Farris looks into the truth behind the labels on our foods .

Jobs & Money

Page 16

November 1 2004

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

nt a t n u o c c a n a g n i Becom FOR

DUMMIES W

HEN PEOPLE think accountancy it’s usually followed by the word ‘dull’. Yet accountancy has become an incredibly popular choice of career for graduates and upon closer examination it’s not hard to see why.

Accountants receive excellent pay, fantastic career prospects and job security (there will always be people too lazy to sort out their own finances). However there is one problem with

Ok, so I’m interested, what should i do next?

I’ve never actually heard of accountancy, what is it?

Quite honestly if you had to ask this question then please close the newspaper now and consider how you made it into university. Accountancy is clearly not your calling in life; perhaps you might be suited to something a little more ‘hands on’ (like collecting trolleys for Tesco).

An accountant very crudely is the lucky person who sorts out other people’s finances. However, the role of an accountant is extremely broad and the exact nature of the job will depend on the area of specialisation you choose: Auditing: An auditor examines companies’ finances to establish whether their dealings are ‘fair and just’ i.e. ensure they are not the Welsh equivalent of the Sopranos. Auditors build strong relationships with their clients, as they need a deep understanding of the way companies work and can prosper.

Tax: To become a tax consultant you will need excellent analytical and problem solving skills as you will primarily focus on maximising your client’s finances. Tax consultants advise on everything from money saving issues, to tax to remuneration methods.

Corporate finance: Corporate financers work with companies in growth and you would be expected to advise on acquisitions, takeovers and floatation on the stock market. Like other areas of accountancy it requires strategic and lateral thinking and loyalty to your client.

Corporate recovery:As you might have guessed this is at the opposite end of the spectrum to corporate finance. Corporate recovery is all about helping companies in financial strife. It can be very exciting and expect to be called in at a moments notice to save what, in effect, is a sinking ship. You can also be required to run companies on behalf of creditors. You have to be able to react fast and think on your feet.

How important is gaining a training contract?

In a word VERY. The cost of chartered accountant exams is huge and without the promise of work at the end, are probably not worth it. To actually qualify in chartered accountancy you need a minimum of three years work experience that would be provided with the training contract. Most training programmes are flexible, but although they respect the fact that the exams are very, very hard, they will expect you to pass them within three – four years.

It can be difficult to balance a full time job with study and a social life while you’re on a training scheme. Projects have to be finished without exception on time, every time and you will work under a lot of pressure. Dedication and time management are vital qualities.

COMPANY PROFILE:

becoming a filthy rich accountant…it requires a lot of hard work. Think exams, exams, exams for the foreseeable future and you’ll get the jist.

Unless you’re the kind of person who thrives on tons of work it’s probably not for you. But if you’re not put off by the idea of some hard graft for the big pay out at the end (and a love of numbers of course) we have complied the ultimate guide to becoming an accountant...

The path to accountancy can be a long and difficult one but there are ways of making the road a little easier for anyone dreaming of cooking those books.

First things first…get up off your lazy student ass and get some work experience. Yes this does apply to most jobs, but that’s for a very good reason. Without spending time with accountants, how can you possibly know what you’re letting yourself in for? Ask questions about the job, find out what day-to-day life will entail or you could end up with a nasty shock a few years down the line. Work experience also shows some dedication as you’ve dragged yourself away from the delights of daytime TV and shown some initiative. If you pester a company for long enough it could also turn into an internship or graduate placement.

What qualifications will I need?

To become a fully-fledged, bona fide accountant you will have to study for the Association of Charted Accountants (ACA) or the Association of Chartered Certified Accountants’ qualifications (ACCA). Providing basic academic criteria are met the phenomenal cost of these exams is usually financed under a training contract with employers.

Although most accountancy firms don’t require an accountancy degree, a certain talent for maths will obviously be required, usually a minimum of B grade at GCSE. Don’t turn up for an interview armed with your times tables from junior school (the last time you vaguely remember studying maths) and expect them to employ you. Sadly for those of us who are mathematically challenged, accountants have to be able to add up. In addition most graduate employers expect at least a second class honours combined with good A levels. Some degrees such as economy and law will have benefits later on as its likely you will be exempt from certain aspects of professional exams.

KPMG are one of the largest accountrancy firms in the UK with 23 offices throughout the country. They recruit for graduates in each of these 23 branches, with an intake of 700 each year, so its worth finding out where your nearest one is.

They offer three year training contracts where you recieve a salary while studying and working for your chartered accountant exams.

Athough like many other accountancy firms KPMG don’t require their graduates to have studied a particular degree, they do expect a minimum of a secound class honours.

Robin Voules, a Tax advisor for the company, had this advice for applicants: “Read up about the job. People who don’t know what they are talking about stand out a mile. Speak

to people you know who work in accountancy and make aure you know what the job is about.”

“It’s important to make your CV stands out. Most people have degrees these days so do something different. Even if you were just captain of a football team or chairman of a society it shows some dedication and commitment that another applicant might not have.”

Anyone who is interested in appyling for a graduate position with KPMG should check out www.kpmg.co.uk/brightminds where you can find an online application form. Be warned, before you start, make sure you set aside enough time to complete the application in one go. It’s likely you’ll be timed and monitored for mistakes.

Jobs & Money

November 1 2004

Page 17

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

News in brief: Bank Blunder

Women under-represented

A woman with special needs phoned her bank with a query about her overdraft and left with a bill of £9000.

Miss Brown, who lives with her mother, was described as having "trouble" dealing with complicated matters, such as bank charges. Her account was £181 overdrawn when she visited her branch of Barclay’s on Edgware Road, London, but she emerged with a loan of £5000, plus new financial services that lumbered her with a total bill of £9000.

in the work place

After intervention by Miss Brown’s sister the bank quickly acknowledged that it had mis-sold the loan and withdrew the bill, but it has raised issues over bankers’ treatment and understanding of customers with special needs.

Fewer than ten percent of the most senior jobs in public life are held by women, according to a survey by the Equal Opportunities Commission.

Females are still massively underrepresented despite the fact that more women are working than ever before.

The research – the most detailed study of women’s representation in senior positions – reveals just nine percent of the country’s top business leaders and national newspaper editors are female.

The EOC is using the data to urge employers to promote flexible working and employ ‘positive action’ if women are under-represented.

Growth of student debt

New trend in bank charges

Today’s students will still be paying their loans back a decade after they graduate, according to a survey by student finance vigilante Debt Perceptions.

Most students expect to finish repayments by the age of 28 or 29 but according to the survey it’s far more likely to be in their early thirties. Debt upon leaving university now averages over £12000, according to Barclays Bank. The debt is expected to rise steadily over the next few years with the introduction of top up fees.

Lloyds TSB has become the latest bank to increase the amount customers are charged for ‘bounced’ cheques and unauthorised overdrafts.

Customers will now be charged £32 for any cheque that cannot be paid and £25 for exceeding their overdraft limit.

It follows a worrying trend, with many banks pushing up fees and withdrawing free benefits. The lenders insist that the increases are in response to mortgage and interest rates, but consumer groups have that alleged banks are profiteering from the most vulnerable in society.

Ask the Experts: I’m graduating from my degree in Journalism this year and I want to study a postgraduate but I have no idea where to go.

Is there a UCAS-style system for postgrads that could give me advice? if not, where should I start looking?

Sarah 3rd year Journalism.

There isn’t a central system such as UCAS for postgraduate journalism courses. You will need to make separate applications to all the courses which interest you (no limit) by obtaining the relevant application forms directly from each university.

An important question to focus on, before completing an application, is what kind of journalism environment you want to work in – newspapers? magazines? broadcasting?

Most admissions tutors will expect you to know which area of journalism you want to apply for and it may weaken your application if, for example, you apply for both a newspaper and a magazine journalism course at the same institution.

Admissions tutors will also expect you to have evidence of having gained relevant work experience whilst a student, for example through writing for Gair Rhydd, or perhaps The Big Issue or work experience in a local newspaper office. It’s important to put together an immaculate portfolio of cuttings of any published articles which you have written.

As to which course to choose, you may like to know that Cardiff University’s Postgraduate School of Journalism is one of the most prestigious in the UK! However, like many courses, it is extremely popular and it is wise to apply to more than one university to avoid disappointment.

Traditionally, two of Cardiff ’s keenest rivals have been City University and The University of Central Lancashire but over recent years a large number of excellent media course have been introduced. For full lists, visit the Careers Centre Information Room to refer to the Postgraduate Course Survey for Journalism or the Prospects Postgraduate Directory (also available via www.prospects.ac.uk).

If you have a question you would like to set to the experts at the Career Department then please email it to us at grjobs@cf.ac.uk

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Conference and Banqueting assistants Cardiff Ardal/Area: £5 per hour Tal/Wage: Varied Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: A call centre requires staff to take holiday bookings from the internet, you require a good telephone manner and knowledge of European countries.

Swydd/Job:

Swydd/Job:

Kitchen Porters

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £4.85 per hour Flexible to suit Ongoing A licenced coffee bar operator requires general assistants both full and part time to serve customers, making drinks, sandwich preparation and washing up. You must be friendly, outgoing and have a good commmand of English.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

025

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

023

Swydd/Job:

Silver Service Staff

Swydd/Job:

Bar Staff

Cardiff £5 per hour, dependant on experience Flexible to suit Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Recruitment company requires experienced silver service staff for silver and plate service waiting. You must have good English. Summer work also available.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

026

Cardiff £5 per hour, dependant on experience Flexible to suit Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Recruitment company requires experienced bar staff. You must have good English and be able to work as part of a team.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

027

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 07973 571141 for more information.

Media

Page 18

November 1 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Introducing Xpress Radio:

Get to know the voices behind the student radio station

W

ith Xpress Radio now live on 107.2 FM for the next two weeks, Gair Rhydd media gives you a comprehensive guide to who’s who and what you can expect to hear.

Including a handy programme schedule and a catch up on Woodville Road.

Aimi Bisco Head of Mainstream Programming This is now my third year with Xpress Radio. I co-presented a mainstream show during my first year at university and then went on to captain our IMG netball team in my second.

Despite our best efforts, we finished the season second from the bottom of the league, so this year I thought I’d focus my attentions elsewhere and went for the mainstream executive position.

It’s been a lot of work already, but I have a fantastic team who have made it so much fun that I really can’t complain.

They have all put in so much effort which is really crucial for the type of shows that they put out.

Instead of the focus on music that you’ll see in the night time programming, mainstream follows a play-list which gives the presenters the

opportunity to focus on the technical and creative aspects of their shows.

All DJs have to be really competent in the studio, but more than this, they have to be able to put their personalities across to their audience.

Working with their producers, they have to create a show of the same standard, if not better, than those on local radio stations in a top recording studio.

At the end of the day, if they’re not entertaining, our audience will tune in elsewhere.

Xpress has always been noted more for its specialist programming, but this year, with some hard work and a bit of dedication, I hope we can pull mainstream programming back up to where it belongs, earning a hell of a lot more respect for all the hard work we do.

Emily Dicks Head of Specialist Programming I started off at Xpress Radio in my first year at Cardiff University by looking at www.xpressradio.co.uk. I found an advert for auditions for Woodville Road, Xpress Radio’s very own soap opera, which was just starting at the time.

I managed to get a main part as my evil alter ego Kate. Unfortunately, due to me now being head of specialist programming, Kate will soon be making a dramatic departure from the soap, make sure you turn in to find out how.

BROADCAST: Xpress DJs working hard in the state of the art studio In my second year I got my own world music show and this year thought I might as well try for the position of head of specialist programming, and I got it!

The difference between mainstream shows and specialist shows is that mainstream shows tend to provide more general entertainment throughout the

day.

Specialist shows aim to give people a more detailed insight into the music that the particular show’s about.

This year we have hip hop, electro, folk, jazz, indie, bluegrass, Caribbean, European, rock and world music shows.

I think to make a good specialist show you need a knowledge and passion about the music you’re playing.

It’s harder than mainstream because although there’s less talk, you’ve got to keep people engaged in music that they wouldn’t necessarily listen to.

The advantages of specialist broadcasting are that you get to talk about the music you love and play exactly what you want – the only confines are the broadcasting guidelines.

Emily Dicks World Music Show What’s it all about?

It’s a global journey including everything – electronica, drum and bass, hip hop, from the traditional to a modern fusion. Its not all banging and wailing!

What’s the last CD you bought?

Orishas, Oojami, Future World Funk, Oriental Expressions, Baaba Maal

The one CD everyone should

own?

‘Daara J – Boomerang.’ Wrasse Records 2004. Funky melodic Senegalese hip hop, its just as good as anything coming out of the west at the

Hayley Larsen Mainstream DJ moment.

The show is?

'REMAIN CALM' with Hayley and Gem. Its a high energy breakfast show., The best way to start the day, guarenteed to wake you up in a morning.

When’s it on?

Breakfast time on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays from 8am till 9am.

What’s your favourite band?

Queen’s ‘Live the dream’. It’s great, a must have.

What’s the last CD bought?

‘Absolution’ by Muse, its permenatly on my CD player at the moment.

The one CD everyone should own?

Madonna’s ‘Immaculate Collection’ (Not because I especially love it, but because if you don’t own it you’ve missed out on a tiny piece of history).

Media

November 1 2004

Page 19

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

D J s a n d Wo o d v i l l e R o a d make sure you’re up to date with the goings on of the Woodville residents. We promise you’ll be hooked.

Santi Gutierrez Specialist DJ The show is?

Mind the Gap, produced by Nathalie Dennes.

What’s it all about?

Put it the way you want but 14 miles, 33 kilometres, 33706 meters or sixteen hours of some serious swimming separate Britain from the Old Continent.

So we offer you the possibility to get to the other shore from the com-

fort of your very own sofa, favourite chair or shared WC and listen to the "alternative music" that is being played as we speak in the Old Continent.

What do you play?

We’ll play a "crossover/mixmatch/potpourri" of quality European music sung mainly in French, Italian, German and Spanish of diverse range of styles such as: Indie, hip-hop, ska, reggae, dub, punk, pop …

If all you enjoy in life is illegal, immoral, politically incorrect and fat-

tens, then you knows what we are talking about…

With the sole purpose to love and be loved, we’ll share some music, noises, reflections, readings, films and life experiences in approximately 7147 seconds...

When’s it on?

6.30.-8.30 , Sundays

Guests?

Our guests are friends of the show from Britain and the Continent who come in and talk about everything from continental films to the news and music popular in their home country. The idea is that the show is really interactive with everyone, not just the erasmus students. For people to bring in their experiences like those who do a gap year away or people who went travelling for example who've heard music they think will be big next summer.

Who’s your favourite artist?

Presenter Santi Gutlerrez and producer Nathalie Dennes of the ‘Mind the gap’ Show.

Everything! A real eclectic mix from punk to pop, the idea isnt to conform to just heavy metal or indie or hip hop. A mixture of music increases respect and tolerance of other music origins so important to give credit and time to it all.

Woodville Road Xpress Radio’s Soap Opera Welcome to Woodville Road. The place where evil reigns supreme, getting a degree’s the last thing on any of the student’s minds, and you won’t find a character who’s not crooked or corrupt. For since its launch in March 2003, Cardiff’s first student radio soap has seen rape, murder, surrogacy, drugs and adultery.

In the beginning, there were six house mates: the bully Josh, down to earth Gareth, outrageous Will, mixed up Francesca, bitchy Kate and nice Nicki. Three series down the line and Josh is dead (a victim of hit and run...that’s what happens when the actors annoy the writer!), Gareth’s gay, Will’s gone to appear on Pop Idol, Francesca’s fallen foul of murderous gangsters, Kate’s a wanted criminal, and Nicki’s far from nice and will readily stalk any male character that so much as looks at her. It’s a show with a strong moral message… Be a backstabbing bastard and the likelihood is you’ll end up dead, in an asylum or just condemned to the realms of depressing storylines for the rest of your time in the

Woodville Road’s writer and creator Justin Jeffries soap. Back for a new six episode run on Xpress Radio, Woodville Road airs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 6:30. The events pick up after the most exciting cliffhanger to date, the murder of drug dealer Jamie, and absolutely everyone’s a suspect. Other gripping plots include the continuation of the ‘will they, won’t they’ romance between glamorous house mate Charlotte and her secretive confidante Patrick, Nicki planning to sell her baby, and the explosive departure of Kate. So get ready to pay Woodville Road a long overdue visit, because they’re waiting for you to knock on their door…

Xpress Radio’s Programming Schedule Don’t miss out on anything that Xpress Radio has to offer

Free Stuff

Page 20

November 1 2004

grcomps@yahoo.co.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! Oh, Mr Darcy. I have so many competitions coming up at the moment I simply don’t have enough space for them all. Keep reading ladies and gents; I have many more wondrous competitions coming up, tickets to more very glamorous events, electronic goodies all over the place, and more film merchandise coming your way soon. I have to say I’m very upset no one has given me that new Joss Stone Album yet, and all the work I do getting prizes for you people, I don’t know. So ungrateful. To enter simply email me at the above address or slip me a note in my pigeon hole, 4th floor of the union. Good Luck!

In the Town of Bedrock WOW, THE social lives of you clubbers, you have so many events coming up I don’t know how you have the energy to keep up with it all.

Yes ladies and gents, I have another amazing competition for you dance fans.

November 6 is an exciting night for you all.

Niche, taking place in the emporium, offers you a night of grooving House and Progressive.

With a guaranteed electric and friendly atmosphere created by a student and alternative crowd, not usually seen at the emporium. The hype in Cardiff for this event is massive and is promising to be one of the most memorable nights in 2004.

The event on the 6th is extra special as it's in conjunction with BEDROCK, the most successful dance label in the world. They have been dubbed the absolute kings of House and Progressive, running massive club nights all over the world. For more details, check out their site on www.bedrock.org.uk Headlining the main room on the night is the massively critically acclaimed Desyn Masiello playing a 3 hour set. This is a very rare appearance in the South West, for a DJ who spends most weekends DJ'ing in some of the World's most respected clubs (The

week after playing for Niche, he is playing the legendary Space in Miami, ohhhh).

Desyn doesn't stick to a particular pigeon holed style in his sets. Mixing a blend of deep, funky, tech and progressive house and is known for blowing away a dance floor by dropping a classic tune or something unusual For more info check out www.desynmasiello.com Supporting Desyn in the main room on the night are Bristol House legends DeepGroove. who get regular acclaim in the UK's best selling dance magazine: Mixmag, who have championed them as 'Future Heroes' on the Dance Scene. One things for certain, this guys know how to rock a dance floor, with their brand of twisted driving House. For more info see www.deepgrooveworld.com.

The line-up in the main room is completed by Niche resident Matt Sawyer. Matt has worked his way to prominence in the local scene, by plugging away and slowly building a following. His style of house is very much underground orientated. If you like your house dirty, dark, acidic and

Papa Gives Us Cheap Pizza PIZZA, PIZZA I love Pizza. I really do actually, which is why I am so very chuffed to have got this deal.

To celebrate national Pizza week (from the 8th to the 14th of November just in case you didn’t all know), those lovely people at Papa Johns have teamed up with me at Grab! to give you this amazing pizza deal. Every reader can buy themselves an extra pizza for half price whenever they get their usual pepperoni, Meat feast, etc from Papa Johns. That’s right, when you buy any pizza you can get another up to the same value for half price To snap up this tasty offer, simply cut out this section of my page (all the scissors going to my work, how upsetting) and take it to one of the following Papa

John’s stores: 342 Cowbridge Road East, Cardiff,.

208 City Road, Cardiff, South Wales.

Offer is valid all the way until May 2005. Best keep hold of all your Gair Rhydds then. Although; just to warn you, get down their quick because this offer is subject to availability.

Get down to your Papa John’s store in Cardiff for this fantastic offer. That’s an order.

Put your taste buds to the test with an exotic Oriental Chicken, tasty Kentucky BBQ or even the meaty Papa’s Pepperoni Plus, you’d be mad to miss out on this great meal deal.

And the Winner is…

The dance label, Bedrock, have been dubbed the absolute kings of what? Enter in the usual way.

What to do with your Life?

Are any other third years experiencing a pit of dread in the bottom of their stomach when the phrase ‘after uni’ is used any where near them?

I’m already on my way. Enjoy my lovelies, enjoy.

WELL DONE to Bethan Lloyd for correctly answering that the DJs playing at the Superchunk event at the emporium are Tom Neville and Phil Kiernan. Congrats. I will contact you when your prize is ready...

grooving look no further.

Room two sees three of Cardiff's best House DJ's (Dave Holt, Sean Andrews and Simon Reed play a mixture ranging from tough funky house to the darker end of progressive.

The club opens at 10pm and closes at 4am, it is recommended to get there early for this event, as it is predicted that the club will reach full capacity.Entrance is £9 NUS/ £10 others.. Anyone requiring further info is invited to email niche_info@hotmail.com Phew, sounds good, doesn’t it? Well for one lucky winner I have a pair of guest list places up for grabs (free entry and Queue jump) for someone and their mate/girlfriend/boyfriend, etc. But that is not all, they will also receive a free copy of Desyn Masiello's 'Bedrock Original Series' CD. What a prize, eh? So easy to win as well, all you have to do is answer this easy question and answer it fast, as the event is this weekend, and I will sort you out with your tickets by the end of the week.

Are your parents calculating how many months you have left before you graduate?

Do you have to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life and, here is the

worst bit, get yourself a job? Get a job, what a horrible thought.

Don’t panic too much people, I have the perfect thing to relieve such woes. A Careers Skills guide. The perfect read to scrub up on your CV writing, perfect your interview technique and get that job.

The company also have a really useful companion website at www.careerskills.org.uk, which is a great help to any young student in search of a good employer.

Check out the Books pages in our supplement, Quench, for a very well written review of the book.

Keep your eyes peeled as well folks, these guys will also be publishing a student planner at a later date and have promised me free copies to give away. What nice guys they are.

I have got my hands on five copies of the book to give away, all you have to do is answer this really easy question and a book, not to mention career success, will be winging its way to you soon.

On which page in our supplement magazine Quench is Career Skills reviewed?

Enter in the usual way.

Television

October 18-24 2004

Page 23

presidentsweet?@TVJohnlosestouch.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV Nov 1st-Nov 7th

Danson in the Dark

Bizarre Aged Bruce Springsteen/Ted Danson Cloning Disaster To Win Presidency By a Chin

HOT

F e e i n g Christmasy Browsing through the markets in town, a nip in the air. Holly (of the prickly kind, not of TV Desk fame), mistletoe and feelings of good tidings and joy. Writing a four-page Christmas list, making mince pies and watching the Snowman.

SOAPS Still championing for Hollyoaks world-domination, I am. Big news is that Big Brother’s Nadia is to guest in the country’s best soap. She’ll be switching on the Xmas lights in Chester, and no doubt Bombhead will sing a carol or two with Mr C looking on wistfully. Justin’s antics continue as the Hollyoaks production team continue to augment the effects of cannibis to skyscrapersized proportions. Brilliant!

Little SchMo’s back in Eastenders with the product of her rape, new baby Frederick. Meanwhile, Kat continues to reap havoc by downing some vodka and shagging a random. Cardiff Freshers get deja-vu.

As for Corrie, well, Billy the plumber takes a close look at Cilla’s pipes. Fnarr! Plus, the free Sunita campaign continues as more evidence against Mya is discovered. Oh, and Jack gets piles.

Alright! It’s the alien mentality of George Bush vs the Predatory chiselled beard-plateau of “Honest” John Kerry in the ultimate fight for broken teeth, jaded jaws and nationwide brown-nosing, and this week it’s the final showdown. The closing scene where the fighting is fierceist, the punches are pounding, and the smugness is salivatory, and the confetti either rains like monsoon season in darkest Cambodia, or err, actually, what do they do with the confetti at the losing candidate’s venue? Does it stay up in a box in the ceiling and carried away by a beige-jacketed janitor at sunrise?

But anyway, it’s the final orgasm in the presidential challenge orgy, and after tonight all America has to do is wake up, dry their eyes and sheets, clean their filthy, ashamed bodies and sneak off to Europe before the imbecile they’ve no doubt enraptured wakes up and lean across the nation for a morning fumble. The fun starts at 11.50pm on BBC1. Oh, and in case you’re ignorant and haven’t realised your own fate could be grossly affected by who wins, the election is on Thursday. John Kerry’s the one on the right, by the way.

Splendid, TV Katie gets her sweaty palms on front page at long last. Hullo, bonjour, hola. Um, don’t mean to go on but, the fan-mail thing is a pressing issue. Er, still haven’t received

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL Marsters of the Universe!

That’s right! James Marsters (note correct, yet also strangely erratic spelling of the surname) AKA the don that is Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is on ITV2’s strawclutching barrel-fisting arse-end of a program The Orange Playlist (Saturday, 7.15pm) this week.

Basically a big puff to make people download music from Orange disguised as an interview about the guest’s favourite music, given that James is practically sex, street cred, fashion and hot, uncontrollable, fithy cool on two legs, this will be undoubtedly entertaining, not least becuse you get to hear his real, and somewhat disturbing, Canadian accent. Given he used to be an angst-rocker himself in Ghost of the Robot (Smashing Pumpkins meets Weezer meets Pavement meets a few boring MOR bands like Matchbox 20),who alas, recently disbanded, the selected music videos played should be alright too. Apparently he’s interested in furthering his musical career someday. Now, where’s my clarinet?

NOT

the back-log from the stupid postie so it’s probably easier if you just drop all loving wishes up to the office. Thanks.

Ok, so back to the job in hand, Britain’s Youngest Mums and Dads, Monday, 9pm, ITV1 proves to be a veritable smorgasmorg of chavscum. Features Anita, who didn’t realise she was pregnant until she dropped in her mum’s bathroom.

Arggh, how can you NOT KNOW, you stinking, flangeing, imbecile!

More scum in Wife Swap, Tuesday, 7.30pm, BBC1 as this year’s Lizzie Bardsley (the filthy, scrunchie-wearing blob from somewhere north of the M4). Idea’s getting a bit tiresome now but it’s still essential viewing, especially when the chavs hit off and start shouting obscenities at the un-suspecting snobs. Terrific trash.

Howdy all, TV Manners here. One week in and no longer at the end of

front page pick thingy. Great! I didn’t receive any welcome presents but i’m still holding out for something.

Go on...please! Ignore what everyone else has written becuase there is only one thing actually worth watching this week and that’s Neighbours (Thursday 1.40pm and 5.35pm, BBC1) because there is a lingerie party hosted by Sky and Sindi. I’m positively foaming at the mouth over the very thought of it.

With nothing of the sort going on in the gair rhydd offices i need some sort of outlet for my frustration.

Incidently, if anyone is hosting their own lingerie party, send the invites up to TV desk.

Now, if you didn’t catch it last week, Monarchy (Monday 11.05pm, S4C) with David Starkey is surprisingly good. My history teacher once described him as a ‘little bitch’ but Dave is growing in my favour. Even if you hate history, this could help you understand why everything is so shit now! Yay!

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Pain in the Shrek Finally! Or “so soon?”, given it only seemed like yesterday that UGC stopped showing it, Shrek 2. the hideously popular sequal starring everyones second-favourite grotesque scottish ogre (after Billy Connoly, natch), everyones second favourite namby-pamby yank princess (after Rufus Wainwright, natch) and second-favourite wisecracking little ass (after Lee Evans, natch) is out for you to gorge yourself on, you pixar-munching wankers.

The “Oh it’s got jokes for the adults as well as the kids” argument doesn’t wash with me. That’s a lame excuse for justifying watching a load of tosh and then trying to get your friends to suffer too. There are three jokes in this film, and none of them are in the least bit funny. The problem with the Shrek license, is that in plain terms, Shrek himself is an immensely dislikeable character. And unlike other films where the lead character is an odious shite (Home Alone, Wild, Wild West, Blade), the constant threat that they might be garotted, sliced, tortured or eaten just about outweighs the fact they ultimately survive. Shrek, with all it’s jollies and niceities and “how do you do - haw haw haw!” pleasantnes, is ultimately very, very ugly.

Christmas in f u c k i n g October!

Hearing Jingle Bells in Clare’s Accessories, mini Christmas trees next to the Scream mask, trying to buy a birthday card and having to wade through the Happy Christmas Half-Brother cards. It’s fucking not Christmas yet!!!!

SPORT Pick of the sport this week has got to be Bowls BUPA Care Home Open (Sun, BBC2, 2.10pm). The winning team actually get a whole year free in their local care home.

What more incentive do they old folk need? Be wary though, this could be bowls as you’ve never seen it. Too much is at stake.

FILMS Superb line-up this week, for a change. One of my favourites is Memento (Thurs, C4, 11.05) with the delectable Guy Pearce.

Pearce plays Leonard who tries to trace his wife’s killer whilst suffering from short-term memory loss.

The whole film works backwards., forcing the viewer to build a jigsaw of events. Concentrate, and enjoy.

RADIO Don’t Bother Without getting too melancholic about all of this, every time it came to writing this section on thront page, the first port of call was always, ALWAYS without fail, was checking who was in session on John Peel. Ever since I started listening to radio one in the evenings in the summer of 1995, I’ve tried to listen to Peel’s show at every opportunity. The show earlier this year from the Groningen music festival was one of the most entertaining two hours of my life - John had the ability to switch broadcasting from about six or seven different venues, and instead of playing the end of Franz Ferdinand’s set, or report on the other hot acts, he played over three quarters of a set from Romanias answer to The Pogues. They were incredible.

And so, needless to say, was he.

Monday

Page 24

November 1 - 7 2004

JgaveGthefencinginjuries@minx.com

E M I T E M I R

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Relic Hunter 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 11.50 ER 12.45 Scrubs 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Futurama 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Battlestar Galactica 21.00 Long Way Round 22.00 Toughest Villages in Britain This week featuring Chard and Bridgwater. Truly tough British villages, I assure you. My home town now has a seconds designer clothes shop.

My mum was genuinely excited by its arrival. The thing is, in Ilminster, new shops only last three months. It’s a fact. We don’t even have a Woolworths.

23.00 Deadwood 00.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.10 Gamezville 02.05 Angel 03.00 ER 03.55 The Sharon Osbourne Show 04.45 Pokemon 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

Boy With a Tumour For a Face five 9pm

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.25 Milkshake!

Damn right, it’s better than yours. I could teach you, but I’d have to charge. 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House Is that what they call it these days? 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Restaurant 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: Malpractice ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Ultimate Ships 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 The Boy with a Tumour for a Face About a five-year-old Indonesian boy with the world's largest tumour. Looks absolutely hanging.

22.00 In the shitter with Geoff Follows failing Welsh country singer, Geoff Llanghyfwednskllyoch as his career hits an all-time low.

23.05 The Gun 00.05 Lexx 00.50 Golf: Chrysler Championship 01.40 NFL Live: New York Jets v Miami Dolphins 05.35 Motorsport Mundial One minute’s silence for John Peel please ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ...............................................

Legend. Will be greatly missed.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 King of Queens 08.55 King of Queens 09.20 At the Pictures 09.30 Chancers 10.20 Rewind: Stage and Screen 10.40 Holiday Maker 11.05 21st Century Bard 11.30 Self Portrait UK 14-19 11.35 From the Top 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Pentre Bach 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.45 Too Posh to Wash 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Dan Datrys 16.25 OFN 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Ffermio 21.00 Cefn Gwlad 21.30 Sgorio 22.35 Father Ted 23.05 Monarchy with David Starkey: Conquest Here he examines the consequences for Normans and English alike following the Battle of Hastings and the Norman Conquest.

00.10 Without a Trace My credibility. Gone, without a trace. I used the C-word for the first time today. I hate that word. It’s bullying, I tell you. Peer pressure. The others told me to do it, sir! The shame. 01.05 World's Worst Century 02.10 The Dirty Race for the White House The filthiest sex-act wins Bush. Shudder.

03.05 Outside: In Shane's Shoes 04.00 Extra 2 04.25 Alice through the Looking Glass 04.55 Dottie and Buzz 05.05 Changing Cities 05.20 Famous People 05.35 Star Maths 2 05.45 The Blue Dragon Simpsons starts this week, woo hoo!

PRIMETIME

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.25 Jerry Springer 19.15 Dancing in the Street 19.25 Champions League 20.00 Airline USA: You Must Be Kidding? My sentiments exactly.

British tourists are bad enough, can you imagine how dreadful this could be? You’ll never find out though coz you won’t watch it. You won’t. 20.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 21.00 FILM: Coming to America With Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall. (Comedy, 1988) Directed by John Landis. *** 23.15 Coronation Street How many episodes can you watch in one day? I guess the answer’s three. Hmm, now that doesn’t sound like many. Damn. 23.45 Coronation Street 00.15 World Rally Championship 01.15 Late Show with David Letterman 02.00 Teleshopping 04.00 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with DL.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Too Many Cooks 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Pet Alien 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather Regional news round-up.

18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Sadie fishes for dirt on Charity.

That’s what it says here!

Whoever writes the original listings (the ones we copy and paste into here, then delete and replace with our own hilarious remarks) has got one dirty mind. And I like it.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Charlie isn't fooling Liz. It's porridge for Sunita as the final piece of the puzzle slips from Dev's grasp.

Porridge? How come? What happened to the Weetabix?

Danny goes beyond the call of duty to cheer up Kelly.

Fnarr again, man this TV lister’s on fire!

21.00 Britain's Youngest Mums and Dads See Pick of the Week.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The New World War 00.30 Champions League Weekly 00.55 Building the Dream 01.20 Moving Day 01.45 Trisha 02.35 Everything Must Go 03.00 Entertainment Now! 03.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 03.50 Get Stuffed!

04.00 ITV Nightscreen 04.08 ITV News Headlines

P

E M I T E M I R P

PRIMETIME

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Love Story 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 The Porn King vs the Presiden 22.30 New Little Britain23.00 My Life in Film 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Jesus Schmesus, how many times have I had to write about this suicide-inducing schedule? Too fucking many, that’s how many. Think they’ve spent too much money on the cute, squidgy orange figures that advertise this crock of shit, and not enough on good programmes to screen. 00.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.30 The Porn King vs the President Des O’Connor has fistycuffs with Nixon. 02.30 Inner Spaces 03.00 Liquid Assets: Tom Cruise's Millions I’m going shopping tomorrow. Plan on buying out Primark, the chav-shop of the century with the most amazing clothes ever! It’s my saviour.

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Rubbadubbers 08.40 Pablo the Little Red Fox 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Sergeant Stripes 10.10 Yoho Ahoy 10.15 Bob the Builder 10.30 Science Clips 10.40 The Maths Channel 11.00 Let's Write a Story 11.20 Let's Write a Story 11.40 Let's Write a Story 12.00 Let's Write a Story 12.20 Trade Secrets 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 FILM: Magic Town *** 15.15 The Flying Gardener 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19.00 Britain's Best Buildings: Harlech Castle 20.00 Mastermind One contestant’s specialist subject is the Conservative Government of John Major 1992-1997. What a dick.

The contestant, I mean.

Major was el duderino!

20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Dead Ringers US Election Special 21.30 Room 101 22.00 Monkey Dust 22.30 Newsnight 23.25 Top Gear 00.30 Joins BBC News 24 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Espana Viva 13-15 02.15 Sister Wendy's Grand Tour 02.30 Make Spanish Your Business 1 and 2 04.30 Working with the Spanish 05.00 Work Talk: Spain

Hollyoaks C4 6.30pm

14.00 Faking It: The T4 Specials 15.00 Can You Pull...

Jordan? Oh God, need I ask?

Have you seen her house? In every nook and cranny (fnarr) there are posey pictures of her and Peter Andre. Correct me if I’m wrong but, after going out for someone for three months, isn’t it tempting fate somewhat to plaster your house with adoring pictures of you and your new partner? Her kid is hanging.

Yeah I know he’s got a sight-deficiency but that’s no excuse for being a fat bastard. Mind you, his father isn’t exactly Brad Pitt.

15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The OC 22.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 22.30 Bo' Selecta! 23.00 Without a Trace 00.00 Hollyoaks 00.25 The OC 01.20 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 01.45 Bo' Selecta!

02.15 Can You Pull... Jordan?

See above. 02.40 Faking It: The T4 Specials Had a pint earlier and am paying for it now. I swear my bladder is smaller than a rats dick.

08.30 King of Queens 08.55 The Bernie Mac Show 09.20 Exposed 12.30 Cheers 13.00 my city: edinburgh 13.05 my city: edinburgh 13.10 FILM: Oliver Twist With Alec Guinness and Robert Newton. (Period Drama, 1948) Directed by David Lean. **** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks Bombhead is apprehensive about Mr Cunningham's constant presence. Awww, bless him! Steph is finding it hard to cope now that Dan has finished with her. Good, the conniving little bitch needed a reality check.

Justin feigns illness to avoid school. You little scally-wagg Justin, Mummy’s going to spank your bottom if she finds out.

Snort, snort. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Rory Peck Awards 2004 20.00 The Dirty Race for the White House 21.00 Monarchy with David Starkey: Conquest 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 Father Ted 23.30 The Sopranos 00.45 Made in Britain: The Countryside Sucks 01.15 FILM: Raaz With Bipasha Basu and Dino Morea. (Thriller, 2002)

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Britain's Secret Shame 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Pui's Explore Monday: Tots TV 15.35 Boo! 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Mona the Vampire 16.30 In 2 Minds 16.55 Blue Peter 17.20 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Jack's excessive lifestyle lands him in hospital. I love the fact they still haven’t mentioned the word ‘drugs’, just implied. He could be a gigolo for all we know. Summer gets a boyfriend. But, isn’t she like, six? I still can’t believe there are people at uni born in 1986!

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Holiday 2005 19.30 X-Ray 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Spooks 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 They Think It's All Over 23.05 Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time 23.35 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross: Meryl Streep Special 00.05 FILM: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask) With Woody Allen and Lynn Redgrave.

(Comedy, 1972) 01.35 Sign Zone: Country House 02.05 Sign Zone: Himalaya with Michael Palin 03.05 Sign Zone: Should I Worry About...? Flange crabs? Yes. You should. Minger.

03.35 Sign Zone: Horizon 04.25 Joins BBC News 24

Magic Town BBC2 1.30pm

PRIMETIME

Boo! BBC1 3.35pm

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Tuesday

November 1 - 7 2004

Page 25

fictionalbrontenovel@editorsbird.co.uk

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Too Many Cooks 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Fun Song Factory 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Pet Alien 16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Syd is startled when a surprise visitor drops in.

His parachuting Uncle Nigel!

19.30 Champions League Live: Arsenal v Panathinaikos I’m sure Arsene will bother to field a proper side tonight. Rather than the assembly of school boys that defeated my beloved Manchester City last Wednesday.

Pig! 21.45 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 22.30 ITV News 23.00 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 23.30 Champions League Highlights 00.30 America Decides: An ITV News Special Or: America Decides: To re-elect a war mongering short sighted bigot. Huzzah! Let’s hope that the influence exerted by the TV desk is enough to convince those all important swing voters that they should vote for John Kerry!

05.30 ITV Early Morning News

P R I M E T I M E

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Movies Now 17.00 Champions League Live: CSKA Moscow v Chelsea Kick-off at 5.30pm. Stupid rubbish overpaid footballers.

19.35 FILM: Kindergarten Cop Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. Directed by the guy who did Empire Strikes Back. Hmmmm** 21.35 The Planet's Funniest Animals 22.00 FILM: The Art of War ** 00.20 The Frank Skinner Show 01.05 Late Show with David Letterman 02.00 Teleshopping 04.00 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman I’m sure Dave will be making some cracking jokes about the elections etc. Go Kerry!

PRIMETIME

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Baby Quest This is a bit like Laserquest. But MUCH, MUCH less fun.

20.00 Trauma Another Thursday night wasted doing TV listings. Trauma indeed.

20.30 Brand New Little Angels 21.00 New Little Britain 21.30 My Life in Film Art recreates The Shining when he babysits his nephew Danny. This is supposed to be a sticom. It sounds rubbish to be frank 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 The Real Little Britain 00.00 The Graham Norton Effect 00.50 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.20 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.50 Band Aid: The Record that Rocked the World 02.45 Outrageous Fortunes 03.45 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli

P R I M E T I M E

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 Rotten Ralph 07.00 Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge 07.05 Tom 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Rubbadubbers 08.40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Sergeant Stripes 10.10 Yoho Ahoy 10.15 Bob the Builder 10.30 Bobinogs 10.40 The Maths Channel 11.00 Around Scotland 11.20 Trade Secrets 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Gardening with the Experts 14.00 am.pm 15.00 The Good Life 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19.00 HeadJam 19.30 Map Man: Gough 20.00 Gardens through Time 21.00 Who Do You Think You Are?: Jeremy Clarkson No I don’t because, as the papers allege, he is a bovine interferer.

22.00 The Smoking Room 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Rich Hall Election Special 00.20 FILM: An Almost Perfect Affair ** 01.55 Weatherview Far too much stuff on BBC2 today. No funny listings here!

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 Angel 11.45 ER 12.45 Scrubs 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Futurama 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons For once Sky One has other programmes apart from The Simpsons. Shame.

This is the one where Lisa is Joan of Arc. Not a classic but good nevertheless.

20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stargate Atlantis 22.00 Deadwood 23.10 Cold Case 00.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.10 Gamezville 02.05 Angel 03.00 ER 03.55 The Sharon Osbourne Show 04.45 Batman 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

Meerkat Adventure

five 8pm

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 King of Queens 08.55 King of Queens 09.20 At the Pictures 09.30 Chancers 09.55 Tate Modern 10.00 Faith in Action 10.15 Arrows of Desire 10.40 Holiday Maker 11.05 21st Century Bard 11.30 Self Portrait UK 14-19 11.35 Bobinogi 11.50 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Clwb Clebr 13.05 Caio 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.45 Beyond River Cottage 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Clwb Winx 16.30 Mona y Fampir 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends Chandler gets into trouble with his homemade gift for Monica.

Papier mache gimp masks never were that efficient.

18.30 Friends Rachel has a disturbing dream about Joey. That he is going to get a badly named spin-off show that will fail miserably.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Has Darren finally reached breaking point?

Let’s continue pulling his legs away from each other and see.

20.25 Taro 9 21.00 Y Normaniaid 22.00 Talcen Caled Jos is determined to do the right thing.

22.55 Teachers 00.00 The West Wing *

14.00 Faking It: The T4 Specials 15.00 Can You Pull... Huey? 15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Ross's new girlfriend has a disgusting secret. Syphillis!

17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace Jack begins to think that the man is involved in some wrongdoing. He just couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong when he he saw him with his willy in the range rover exhaust.

19.00 The OC Featuring our very own Super Furry Animals on the soundtrack.

How endearingly odd!

20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 The Sopranos 23.05 Fool Around... and what do you get? A nice case of syphillis. OK that’s enough STIs for the time being. 00.10 Line Of Fire Someone with syphillis has a wee! Ok Enough!01.00 Hollyoaks 01.30 The Sopranos 02.40 Fool Around...

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Restaurant 15.30 five news update 15.40 FILM: Cabin Pressure ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear Tiff and Vicki crash two cars at full speed. I can’t even afford to crash one car at lowspeed.

20.00 Nigel Marven's Meerkat Adventure 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation A corpse is dumped at a `body farm'. That’s the first time I’ve heard the term ‘body farm’ and not thought of TV Holly.

22.55 Cosmetic Surgery: Below the Belt The plastic surgery of your private manand and lady bits. Oh five, forever fulfilling your remit for broader and diverse programming! 00.00 The Dead Zone 00.40 Seniors Golf 01.25 Fucking Your Mum 04.00 NASCAR Busch Series: Aaron's 312 Big fast cars for stupid Americans who don’t like real sports like handball.

04.50 2004 X Games 05.15 Football Highlights

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Britain's Secret Shame 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Sid's Fix It Tuesday: Bob the Builder 15.35 Little Robots 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Mona the Vampire 16.35 Shoebox Zoo 17.00 Byker Grove Leanne has a surprise for Adam.

Syphillis! 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Little Mo faces Graham in court. Well you wouldn’t turn your back on him would you?

20.00 Holby City Jess isn't going to let Zubin run away without a fight. Give him a kick you bitch!

21.00 A Thing Called Love 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life: A Big Deal for the Charles Family 23.50 US Election 2004 David Dimbleby presents live coverage of the US Presidential Election If John Kerry wins this will be one of the TV highlights of the year. If not I will be reduced to admitting I stayed up all night for the wrong reasons. Go Johnny!

At The Pictures S4C 9.20am

P R I M E T I M E

Gardens Through Time

BBC2 8pm

P R I M E T I M E

US Election BBC1 23.50

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06.00 Insektors 08.30 King of Queens 08.55 The Bernie Mac Show 09.20 At the Pictures 11.35 From the Top 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.25 What's in a Word?

13.45 FILM: Hawaii** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Rory Peck Awards 2004 Think these are awards for camera-work.

Sounds less interesting than it probably is. Much like TV Desk.

20.00 Selling Houses 20.30 Time to Get Your House in Order! Haven’t you just sold it in the aforementioned programme.

21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 Teachers 23.10 Ban This Filth 23.40 Six Feet Under 00.50 Nip/Tuck Drama 01.50 Porn: A Family Business: ASSistant Another channel slowly edging its remit out of the window 02.20 Monkey 03.10 Freesports on4Windsurfing

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Wednesday

Page 26

November 1 - 7 2004

thanksforthefanmail@youlazyfucks.pah

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.00 The X Factor Voices With Soul are still hanging on by the skin of their flabby bellies. Tabby and his shocking rendition of You Really Got Me was enough to make Sharon come in her pants. He wore more eyeliner than TV Jonh for chrissakes. 19.15 The X Factor 20.00 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions II Claire, the Kylie wannabe, gets more TV coverage.

21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show 23.30 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions II Repeat of the earlier episode. ITV2 you twats.

00.30 Jerry Springer 01.10 Late Show with David Letterman 01.55 The John Walsh Show 02.40 Teleshopping 04.40 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 Angel 11.45 ER 12.45 Scrubs 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil Jupitus? He’s coming up to Xpress soon. And we didn’t call him - he rang us! Sweet!

15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons When the Simpsons fly to Brazil to find a missing orphan whom Lisa has been sponsoring, Homer is kidnapped.

19.30 The Simpsons Homer is roasted at the Springfield Friars' Club. Ban this filth. 20.00 TV Meltdown 21.00 Shock Treatment 22.00 Tim Lovejoy and the Allstars 23.00 Mile High 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Gamezville 01.50 Angel 02.40 ER 03.30 The Sharon Osbourne Show 04.20 Hot Love A live shag-fest from Luxor in 40 degree heat. Scorching. 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

Lethal Weapon 4 five 9pm

14.00 Faking It: The T4 Specials 15.00 Can You Pull...

Tara? Oh god yeah, anyone can.

Just get some posh crisps and buddy up with Duncan from Blue. I’ve never seen a woman with smaller breastage than hers. Even six-year-old girls have bigger tits. 15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends I have 3 17.30 Friends Do you?

18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 One Tree Hill 22.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 22.30 Ali G in Da USAiii 23.05 Fool Around...Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. I do actually want to be a proper journalist one day you know. Like, TV Desk at Sugar or summat.

00.05 Green Wing 01.15 Hollyoaks 01.45 No Angels 02.45 Fool Around...More? You want more? I’m not a performing pony, ok? I’m not just funny on request, it’s a full-time occupation. I do spontaneous comedy for money, however. I’m cheap...Ok, call it a fiver. No?

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach I took the time and effort last week to mention a friend under this programme, and she reckons she couldn’t find a paper to read it!

Pah! Never again LAUREN.11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 High School Reunion 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: Kojak: Flowers for Matty ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Tim Marlow on? 20.00 John Lydon's Shark Attack How funny will this be, Lydon fighting a shark!? Bets on Lydon.

21.00 FILM: Lethal Weapon 4 With Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. (Crime, 1998) 23.30 101 Most Shocking Moments in Entertainment A definitive countdown of the most outrageous celebrity incidents ever. Numbers 101-81 include Jade Goody on Big Brother revealing her badly packed kebab and Michael Jackson dangling his baby over a balcony.

Most Shocking Moment number 73: TV John getting a job.

00.30 Sex and the Settee 00.55 Snooker - World Champions v the Asian Stars 03.00 European Drag Racing 03.25 Golf: The Challenge 03.50 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classics: Benn v Eubank This was on last week you lazy shits! 04.30 Dutch Football

PRIMETIME

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 King of Queens 09.00 Life Stuff: From the Top 09.30 Chancers 09.55 Tate Modern 10.00 Faith in Action 10.15 Film Focus 10.40 Holiday Maker 11.05 21st Century Bard 11.30 Anelu at Ragoriaeth 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Bws Parti 13.15 Cheers for the music, the songs I’m singing.

13.45 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.45 No Going Back 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Traed Moch 16.30 Popty Bach 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Dudley So yeah, I had pork and stilton sausages for dinner last night, AND for lunch today.

Am I mingin’? The sausages weren’t, they were bloomin’ marvellous.

21.00 04 Wal 21.30 Property Ladder 22.30 Nip/Tuck 23.30 Six Feet Under 00.30 Ban This Filth More disgusting tales of TV Desk. TV Manners takes a dump and it won’t flush. 01.00 Line Of Fire 01.55 Unreported World 02.25 FILM: Darna Mana Hai With Saif Ali Khan and Vivek Oberoi.

(Horror, 2000) Oh Jesus, look how much I have to type! No self-resprecting journalist should have to put up with this sort of tripe. Why do Indian actors have such long names? You know the monkeys who put up each individual letter on the old-school cinema boards? Bet they’d be pissed.

P R I M E T I M E

I

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 13.30 Too Many Cooks 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Pet Alien 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Andy confides in Katie. Ooh, does he? What does he say? If you tell me now, I’ll know in advance and can then act all shocked when he tells me.

19.30 Coronation Street Les's love tub gets Norris and Emily all in a lather. Oh my God! My innocent ears cannot be hearing this!

20.00 The Bill 21.00 FILM: American Pie 2 (Comedy, 2001) Directed by JB Rogers. ** 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: American Pie 2 Conclusion of tonight's comedy.

23.30 FILM: Every Mother's Worst Fear With Cheryl Ladd and Jordan Ladd. (Thriller, 1998)** 01.10 CD:UK Hotshots 01.35 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.25 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 03.20 Riders and Rich Kids 03.45 World Sport 04.15 Motorsport UK 04.40 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News I met Pete Doherty’s cousin at the weekend. Quite embarrassing coz she was at my house and I’m slightly more than obsessed so have a few pictures of him lying around. Can’t believe I forgot to raid this girl’s mobile.

R

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Against the Clock 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 FILM: Primary Colors With John Travolta and Emma Thompson. (Drama, 1998) Directed by Mike Nichols. ** 23.15 The Porn King vs the President Documentary about hardcore pornographer Rob Black, who could go to prison for fifty years if George Bush wins the upcoming election, being on the receiving end of the first federal obscenity indictment in a decade. Hahaha, gutted! He's the number one hate figure for John Ashcroft, America's evangelical attorney general, and the case has serious implications for America's ten billion dollar porn industry. Come on Kerry!

00.15 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 00.45 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.15 Liquid Assets: Beyonce's Millions 02.10 Ruby Does the Business Gross, does she have to? 03.10 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 Raven The worst ever Simpsons episode. 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Rubbadubbers 08.40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside and look at the huge gay Xpress X shining on the Psychology building! 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Sergeant Stripes 10.10 Yoho Ahoy 10.15 Bob the Builder 10.30 FILM: Night Owls *** 10.50 Trade Secrets 11.00 Small Town Gardens 11.30 am.pm 13.00 The Phil Silvers Show 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: If You Knew Susie You’d say, “Ah yes, I know Susie.” ** 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19.00 HeadJam Bad quiz with the good Vernon Kay. 19.30 The Booze Business: Trouble Brewing 20.00 Full on Food 21.00 The Power of Nightmares: Shadows in the Cave 22.00 Arrested Development 22.30 Newsnight 23.30 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Mark Steel Lecture 00.00 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Mark Steel Lecture 00.30 FILM: The Prince of Homburg With Andrea di Stefano and Barbora Bobulova. (Historical, 1997) I so wish my name was Barbora Bobulova! That’s quite possibly the best porn name ever! *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Geography 04.00 Blast 05.00 Up the Bum in Nagasaki The long-awaited repeat of the superbly directed Kenneth Brannagh epic.

No Going Back S4C 2.45pm

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Britain's Secret Shame 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Chris' Sing-a-Long Wednesday: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 16.30 I Dream 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Darcy uncovers the proof he needs to blackmail Izzy. What, that she’s in fact one of Jesus’ messengers and her baby was a result of immaculate conception? I mean, who’d bone her?

Sky quits her job at Grease Monkeys, which is obviously why, I was told earlier, she’s soon to have a lingerie party. It’s all too much.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 Airport: Iceland 20.00 What Not to Wear 21.00 British Isles: a Natural History: Revolution 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 22.40 Max: a Lifetime of Laughter Max Boyce leads Stuart Cable through the highlights of his television career. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Stuart Cable’s a cunt.

23.15 Car Wars: Masters of Crime 00.20 FILM: Jaws 2 ** 02.25 Sign Zone: Fat Nation: the Big Challenge 02.55 Sign Zone: Bank of Mum and Dad 03.55 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 04.25 Joins BBC News

Working Lunch BBC2 1.30pm

P

Britain’s Secret Shame BBC1 12.30pm

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06.00 Insektors 08.55 The Bernie Mac Show 09.20 At the Pictures 11.30 Self Portrait UK 11.35 From the Top 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.25 In Your Face: Tim Wonnacott's Family by John Wonnacott 13.45 FILM: Hawaii With Julie Andrews and Max von Sydow.

(Drama, 1966) Directed by George Roy Hill. ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks Liz continues to keep a watchful eye over Justin, and enlists the help of Darlene and Sophie. Lee painted his mum’s nails! Bless!

19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather.

19.55 Rory Peck Awards 2004 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Musicality 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.05 Sex and the City 23.45 Sex and the City 00.20 Outside: Coming Up - Cuckoos 00.55 Outside: Straight 8 01.30 Outside: Hacer La Luna (To Make the Moon) 02.00 Outside: 12:34 02.20 Freesports on 4: Surfing and Mountain Biking 03.10 KOTV 03.40 Brazilian Football Championship: Santos v Fluminense 05.25 Countdown

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Thursday

November 1 - 7 2004

Page 27

whateverhappenedto@officeromance.org.uk

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Dancing in the Street 19.00 UEFA Cup Live: Newcastle United v Dinamo Tblisi 21.30 Footie, Bling and Babes: Celebrities Exposed 22.30 Prisoners out of Control The inmates in Splott prison just found out that the kangaroo running around Cardiff was actually a fox with mange. What sort of inbred idiot can make that sort of mistake? Do foxes hop? A fox with mange would look more like Mr Bigglesworth than skippy.

Anyway, the guys aren’t happy and they’re coming to get you.

Flange mange, now there’s a disease. 23.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.45 Late Show with David Letterman 01.35 The John Walsh Show 02.20 Teleshopping 04.20 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil has about as much medical expertise as Dr Nick from the Simpsons. Infact, I have more expertise than him.

Dr Phil, you’re obese and your advice is wank. See, I could be a caring doctor. 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 Angel 11.45 ER 12.45 Scrubs 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer After copious amounts of experience here on the TV desk I’ve found that alcohol makes everything sweeter. That is except Sky One which is still shit. Repeats are shit.

17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Futurama 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 2 21.00 The 1970s Office 22.00 Law and Order 23.00 24 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Gamezville 01.50 Angel 02.40 ER 03.30 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.55 The Sharon Osbourne Show 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

14.00 Faking It USA 15.00 Can You Pull... Romeo? Who would fucking want to? He’s a...wait for it...cunt.15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace Documentary about the strange, sudden disappearance of TV Holly. If anyone asks, you don’t know me and I wasn’t anywhere near her. 19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 Sex and the City Series about a group of girls who have more money than sense. 22.35 Sex and the City 23.05 Fool Around... To be honest I’ve tried to up in the gair rhydd offices but no one is up for it. There’s no flirting over the copy machine or anything. I’m telling you, ‘gair rhydd Office’ would be a bollocks series because nothing would happen.

Except eating pizza. 00.10 Curb Your Enthusiasm 00.45 The Great Love Swindle 01.20 Hollyoaks 01.50 The West Wing 02.40 Fool Around... So with C4 showing the Simpsons from tomorrow, do you think E4 will miss a trick and repeat every single episode, every day?

Neither do I. Mmm...fill fill fill.

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06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 High School Reunion 15.30 FILM: This Savage Land *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Big Art Challenge Tony Hart v Neil Buchanan.

Watch out this is clash of the fucking titans. Whoever loses has to suffer the ultimate in artistic embarassment - having their paint brushes slowly pushed into their arseholes. My money’s on Tony Hart because I heard from a little bird that morph is going to sabotage Neil’s work half way through. All Art Attack had was that shitty head on a plinth. Genius.

19.45 UEFA Cup Football: Middlesbrough v Lazio 22.05 FILM: Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior 00.00 John Barnes' Football Night 00.40 UEFA Cup Football: Middlesbrough v Lazio 02.10 Portuguese Football: Benfica v Porto ...Does anyone go there for the music anymore? Next week I might go with a wet kipper and beat everyone who is standing around criticising instead of getting to fuck down to the music! AAAArrrrgggghhhh!

Hear me roar. *everyone = you know who you are. 03.40 Dutch Football: AZ Alkmaar v Feyenoord 05.10 Argentinian Football Highlights

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06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 King of Queens 09.00 Self Portrait UK 09.05 Life Stuff: From the Top 09.30 Chancers 09.55 Tate Modern 10.00 Faith in Action 10.15 Film Focus 10.40 Holiday Maker 11.05 21st Century Bard 11.30 Bitesize Gwyddoniaeth Ffiseg 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.45 Selling Houses Revisited 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant 16.15 Sioe Gwobrau Mawr 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Risg 21.00 Pawb a'i Farn 22.00 Mostyn Fflint 'N Aye! Since S4C show pretty shit programmes I can hijack this space and rant about Clwb Ifor. What the fuck is wrong with everyone* on the top floor? I used to love going there and getting my rawks off to great music but recently the floor is full of pretentious cunts who only care about their latest fucking pin striped jacket and McFly style hair cuts...

22.30 Bandit 23.00 Wife Swap 00.05 The Sopranos 01.15 Monkey Watch this space, there’ll be one of these roaming around the streets of Cardiff within a week.

Just like the ‘kangaroo’. 02.10 Freesports on 4: Windsurfing 02.40 Honda Formula 4-Stroke Powerboating Championships 03.05 Brazilian Football Championship

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Too Many Cooks 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends Why is Miffy’s mouth a big X? What did she do wrong? I reckon she was a right slag when she was younger and had her mouth sewn shut by her parents to stop excessive deep throating. It’s just a thought.

15.20 Fun Song Factory A fly on the wall documentary following the trials and tribulations of the djs and their music at fun factory. 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Pet Alien 16.00 Play The Game Fun new gameshow in the style of the X-Factor where kiddies compete against each other to gain a place in the coveted world of child prositiution. I’d still prefer to watch reruns of MASK. 16.30 Barking! 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather Regional news 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Stage by Stage 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 The Frank Skinner Show should be cut.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Frank Skinner Show Yeah you can show it twice but he’s still a twat. 23.30 The Guest List 00.00 Soccer Night 00.30 Wolf Lake 01.15 Shoot the Writers Shit. I know I’m still Mr Newby but I’m not that fucking bad! Fuck off and go and amuse the sport desk. Or Keane. 01.40 Strictly Soho 02.05 ITV at Reading 2004 03.00 Cybernet 03.25 The Paul O'Grady Show 04.15 ITV Nightscreen

House Doctor five 11.25pm

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News 19.30 Body Hits: Detox Devils 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Brand New Little Angels 21.00 Fat Nation on Three 21.30 Body Hits: Smart Drugs 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Wedding Stories 23.30 Liquid Assets: Beyonce's Millions 00.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.30 Shaun Ryder: The Ecstasy and the Agony 02.25 Fat Nation on Three 02.55 Wedding Stories I’m afraid this is the relatively sober part of today’s listings. The passing of John Peel has been a shock to everyone I think. I’m not going to pretend for a moment that I’m devastated because I didn’t know him. All I can comment on is his illustrious career bringing some superb bands to British radio and clearing all the shit music from our ears. All you need to do is look in the album sleeve of Nevermind and look for good ole JP’s name. The question is, can anyone replace him? If Zane steps up, can someone smack him with that sofa he loves?

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 Rotten Ralph 07.00 Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge 07.05 Tom 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Rubbadubbers 08.40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Sergeant Stripes 10.10 Yoho Ahoy 10.15 Bob the Builder 10.30 Primary Geography 10.40 The Maths Channel 11.20 Trade Secrets 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Bowls: BUPA Care Homes Open 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal Now they’re encouraging vagrancy and stealing! Have monkeys taken over the BBC? I would beg for money, then when they don’t give me any, I’d borrow money off someone else, hire a hitman to kill and steal from the stingy bastard who didn’t give me money in the first place.

Cunt.

18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19.00 HeadJam 19.30 Iolo's Natural History of Wales 20.00 Natural World: Lion: Out of Africa?

20.50 Secret Squirrels 21.00 Horizon 21.50 Trouble at the Top 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Mark Steel Lecture 23.50 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Mark Steel Lecture 00.20 Bowls: BUPA Care Homes Open 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Geography: South Africa 2000 04.00 PSHE

Monkey S4C 1.15am

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Britain's Secret Shame 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Sue's Make and Do Thursday: Big Cook Little Cook 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Rugrats 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Short Change: Fat Nation Challenge Who choses kids TV nowadays? How the fuck can they have this programme encouraging the little nippers to become fat bastards? Why I oughta... 17.00 Byker Grove Northern wank 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Sindi and Sky host a lingerie party. Izzy asks Karl to marry her. Seriously, YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO MISS THIS! Ok well maybe it’s just me because I like the idea of Sky in lingerie. Is that so wrong?

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Wildlife on One: Bears on the Black Run 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Too Close for Comfort 20.30 Fat Nation: the Big Challenge 21.00 Whistleblower 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Dragon's Eye 23.05 Question Time 00.05 This Week 00.50 Speak like a Child 02.15 Sign Zone: Panorama 02.55 Sign Zone: A Year at Kew 03.25 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 04.15 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 04.45 Joins BBC News 24

Secret Squirrels BBC2 8.50pm

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PRIMETIME

Britain’s Secret Shame

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As S4C except: 08.55 The Bernie Mac Show 09.20 Water Stories 11.30 Self Portrait UK 14-19 11.35 From the Top 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Frasier 13.30 my city: edinburgh 13.35 FILM: Lost With David Farrar and David Knight. (Crime, 1955) 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Rory Peck Awards 2004 20.00 Beyond River Cottage 20.30 No Going Back: Chaos at the Castle 21.00 FILM: Touching the Void With Nicholas Aaron and Brendan Mackey.

(Documentary, 2003) Directed

by Kevin Macdonald. **** Well that’s thursday night sorted. Two good films on one night.

Memento is fucked but a great film. I haven’t seen Touching the Void but I think it’s about a bloke falling off a mountain. Bit silly really if you ask me. 23.05 FILM: Memento With Guy Pearce and Carrie-Anne Moss.

(Thriller, 2000) **** 01.05 Line Of Fire 02.05 Line Of Fire 03.05 KOTV 03.55 British Motorsport 04.20 Trans World Sport 05.15 Countdown

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Friday

Page 28

November 1 - 7 2004

ken@campanology.ie

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.35 Judge Judy 18.50 Movies Now 19.00 Orange Playlist 19.30 The Planet's Funniest Animals 20.00 Emmerdale Secrets: InLaws and Outlaws Another one of these filler soap features.

How trite. Trite, that’s a word you don’t hear often enough.

21.00 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 22.00 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions II 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 00.30 The Frank Skinner Show 01.15 Jerry Springer 01.55 Late Show with David Letterman 02.40 Teleshopping 04.40 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrgggggghhh.

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06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 Angel 11.45 ER 12.45 Scrubs 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Battlestar Galactica 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons Simon Cowell is the guest star. I mean, really, let me be a guest on The Simpsons. TV Willy would be infinitely more entertaining.

20.30 The Simpsons Do you think Sky One are trying to prove a point to Channel 4 here?

21.00 The Ultimate Playboy That’s more like it. Pnarrrr.

22.00 EuroMillions Draw 22.05 FILM: Sudden Impact TV Holly gets taken by surprise in a stealth TV desk sex attack.*** 00.15 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.15 Gamezville 02.10 Angel 03.05 ER 03.55 Hot Love 04.45 Zoids 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon Will someone write my essays for me? I am willing to pay.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 King of Queens 09.00 Self Portrait UK 09.05 Life Stuff: From the Top 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Sam Tan 13.15 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.15 Grand Designs 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Uned 5 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Kelvin and Mr Lloyd are trying their best to keep a secret.

19.00 Rownd a Rownd Beca and Cathryn are babysitting Angharad, but Beca has other ideas.

Drowning him.

19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm Diane is shocked when she hears the news about Derek and Sally. They both have syphillis.

20.25 Risg Welsh TV staple Sian Lloyd presents a quiz show that depends on the audience. I presume the literal translation is Risk. I do fancy a game of Risk at some point. Anyone wishing to join me should come up to the top of the Union.

21.00 Mawr 21.30 The Simpsons Finally getting it’s rightful place in the British prime-time schedules.

What Channel 4 haven’t the fore-sight to spot is the fact that most people who watch The Simpsons will be at the pub at 9.30 on a Friday. Fools.

22.00 The Simpsons 22.30 The World According to The Simpsons 23.35 The Simpsons Quiz Show 00.20 Eurotrash 00.50 Super Furry Animals On Tour 01.20 FILM: South Park: Bigger, Longer and

14.00 Faking It USA 15.00 Can You Pull... Mark Owen? 15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends Chandler's jealousy causes problems with his girlfriend.

Jealousy makes her privates growl. Poor girl.

18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 The OC As Seth and Anna become closer, Summer tries to deny her feelings. She just can’t admit her love for bukkake porn.

20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 FILM: The Craft Film aimed speciafically at the ‘teenage girls who think they are witches’ demographic.*** 23.00 Fool Around... come and work at the gair rhydd 00.00 Green Wing 01.05 Hollyoaks 01.35 Can You Pull... Mark Owen? I Imagine you could; if you really tried. Speaking of Mark Owen, he is the second most famous man to come from Oldham. After TV Willy. 02.05 The Secret Life of Us 02.55 Line Of Fire Seriously, we want some fan mail. Re-assure us that these Thursday nights aren’t a waste.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Franklin 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor: Halls and Living Rooms 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 High School Reunion 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: Banacek: Detour to Nowhere ** 17.30 five news National and international news with Charlie Stayt.

18.00 Home and Away The police are called by Irene after a shocking discovery.

Her biscuit crust.

18.30 Family Affairs Alex faces a difficult dilemma. A leg or a wing?

19.30 House Doctor: Ann's Top Ten! 20.00 The 20 Quickest Ways to Make Money on Your Property 1. Set up a small casino in your lounge. 2. Get TV Holly over and start a brothel. 3. Bribe a National Heritage official to make your semi a Grade-A listed building. 4. Rent out your garden for occasions such as wedding receptions and bahmitzvahs. 5. Somewhere to hide illegal immigrants while Dmitri ‘runs some errands’. 6. Home for the Tate Post-Modern. 7.

Nuclear test bunker. 8. Modern Living Museum. 9. As the base for a middle class revolution. 9.

Decorate as a big pumpkin to receive national television exposure...........that’s enough.

21.00 House Doctor: Inside and Out 22.00 Age Swap 23.00 FILM: Darkman **** 00.45 FILM: Dearly Devoted **

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Too Many Cooks 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Fat Chance 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Pet Alien 16.00 Finger Tips 16.20 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 Help!

I'm a Teenage Outlaw 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Scott attempts to keep things sweet with Dawn. Shouldn’t have put that terrapin in her knicker draw then should he?

19.30 Coronation Street Blanche sets up the Barlows. Ken and Deidre; now there’s two people whose sex life you didn’t want broadcast on the internet.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Airline 21.00 Rosemary and Thyme Drama series about a gardening amateur detective duo. Another programme that feasibly could be one of Alan Partridge’s BBC pitches..

22.00 Tarrant on TV 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week Was as usual rainy. 23.30 Barry Welsh is Going 00.00 Dan and Dusty 00.30 FILM: Bad Company Biopic of the 70s band whose most famous hit was ‘Feel Like Making Love’. *** 02.30 Orange Playlist Apparently Gazza did a playlist last week.

We’re not sure what he chose. we can only hope he wasn’t too modest to whack ‘Fog on the Tyne’ in. Gr8.

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Sensory Overload Presenter 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Brand New Little Angels 21.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli Oh BBC Three. So fucking rubbish you be. And I would cancel your existence. If it it were up to me.

21.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 22.00 EastEnders Kat makes a heartbreaking decision about Zoe. To incest or not to incest?

22.30 Outlaws 23.00 New Little Britain TV John maintains that the new series is rubbish because they have taken out the funniness and replaced it with disgustingness. Disagree. Email us at the usual address(es) 23.30 Michael Flatley: King Of Clubs King of Cocks more like.

00.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 02.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 02.30 Outlaws 03.00 Wedding Stories

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Rubbadubbers 08.40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 Come Outside 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Sergeant Stripes 10.10 Yoho Ahoy 10.15 Bob the Builder 10.30 What? Where? When?

Why? 10.45 The Maths Channel 11.10 Primary Geography 11.20 Primary Geography 11.40 Primary History: Britain Since 1948 12.00 The Phil Silvers Show 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 Bowls: BUPA Care Homes Open 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19.00 Scrum V Live: Dragons v Ospreys 21.00 Gardeners' World 21.30 Timewatch: Julius Caesar's Greatest Battle He never did quite work out how to set the video.

22.20 The Planets - Brief Encounters: Moon Race 22.30 Newsnight It’s Kirsty Wark tonight. Of course by now we will know who won the US election. Or maybe we won’t. I much prefer the Pax-Man though. He’s a good laugh isn’t he 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland Razorlight, Mory Kante, Roni Size and Beverley Knight. In this order, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish and rubbish, 00.35 Bowls: BUPA Care Homes Open 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Waiting Their Turn

House Doctor five 9pm

06.00 Insektorsck 08.55 The Bernie Mac Show 09.20 Water Stories 09.30 Chancers 09.55 Tate Modern 10.00 Faith in Action 10.15 Film Focus 10.40 Holiday Maker 11.05 Sir Gawain and the Green Knight 11.30 Self Portrait UK 14-19 11.35 From the Top 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Grudge Match 13.15 FILM: This Happy Breed *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.35 The West Wing 20.30 Friends 21.00 The Simpsons 21.30 The Simpsons 22.00 The World According to The Simpsons 23.05 The Simpsons Quiz Show Jamie Wankstain Theakston continues his recent ubiquity on our screens by showing how much he likes The Simpsons. Go and shag a tart you twat. 23.50 4 Music: UK Music Hall of Fame Jamie Theakston. Again!!!!!

01.50 4 Music: Popworld 02.40 4 Music: hit40uk 03.05 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 03.30 Andromeda 04.15 Andromeda

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt Live 12.30 Britain's Secret Shame 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Nicole's Furry Friends Friday: Binka 15.35 The Koala Brothers 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 16.30 The Basil Brush Show 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Connor accepts a robot war challenge against a rival pub.

Isn’t Connor dead? Tune in to see what Izzy has packed into Darcy’s pockets. The cheeky scamp. Clue: Not her dildo.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 A Question of Sport Featuring Matthew Upson who should be nothing less than a barrel of larfs.

19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders Alfie is forced to make a heartbreaking decision. Tom or Jerry?

20.30 My Dad's the Prime Minister Hmm, despite being written by the great Ian Hislop, this is going against The Simpsons on C4. Bound to fail.

21.00 French and Saunders 21.30 Have I Got News for You 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.35 FILM: The Evil That Men Do Fall asleep, snore, fart, leave the toilet seat up, leer at other women....... etc etc.

01.00 FILM: The Ghost *

Without A Trace E4 6pm

Airline ITV1 8.30pm

P R I M E T I M E

Evil Men Do BBC1 11.35pm

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Saturday

November 1 - 7 2004

Page 29

thefutureofspacetravel@mygiganticanus.orgy

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Emmerdale Secrets: Comedy Moments 13.15 Airline USA 13.40 Airline USA 14.15 CD:UK 15.15 Felicity 16.05 Undeclared 16.30 The Planet's Funniest Animals 17.00 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 18.00 The Block 18.50 The Planet's Funniest Animals 19.15 Orange Playlist 19.45 Movies Now 19.55 It's Good to Be... Renee Zellweger 20.25 The Xtra Factor 21.25 The Planet's Funniest Animals 21.50 Movies Now .

22.10 The Xtra Factor Result Simon Cowell gloating that his bunch of no-brain houswives and mid-life crises survive another week, while Louis’ novelty freak circus dwindles.

22.40 FILM: Hannibal Reportedly lacklustre sequel, “Buffalo Bill in the original looks scarily like Justin Hawkins” offers TV Will.*** 01.05 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 02.05 Teleshopping 03.05 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Dream Team 14.00 Gamezville 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Malcolm in the Middle 17.30 Oliver Beene Sitcom about an 11-year-old boy whose life is full of chaos thanks to his eccentric family. So not a shit version of Malcom in the Middle at all, then.

18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 2 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stargate Atlantis 22.00 Hex 23.00 Toughest Villages in Britain “Machen” responds the office.

00.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 01.50 TV Meltdown 02.40 Scrubs 03.05 Scrubs

06.15 The Hoobs 06.40 The Hoobs 07.05 The Adventure Triathlon 2004 08.00 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.55 Scrapheap Challenge 10.55 hit40uk 11.25 The OC 12.15 One Tree Hill 13.05 King of Queens 13.30 Blue: T4 Special 14.00 Channel 4 Racing from Doncaster, Wincanton and Down Royal 14.15 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Wales v South Africa 16.45 FILM: Niagara **** 18.25 Dudley Dudley Moore?

18.55 04 Wal Four Walls?

19.25 Y Clwb Pel-Droed The Pale Droid Club?

20.00 Newyddion News?

20.15 Twrio “Da Da Da’ By Trio?

21.20 Risg Rigs?

21.50 FILM: Touching the Void **** My dad and sister swear this boring looking mountainrelated disasterous life-affirming movie is the greatest thing since sliced sex, and went to the only ever showing of it at our local cinema. It only came out last year and is already on TV, so it can’t be that hot. No pun intended. I think it’s serious top-of-therange bullshit for people who don’t get out enough, 12.50 FILM: K-Pax ** 02.00 FILM: Stickmen Comedy film about wasters playing pool.

Sounds phat. *** 03.45 British Motorsport 04.15 Porsche Carrera Cup 04.40 KOTV Wow, there’s a whole lotta nothing on S4C tonight and today. So why not pop down to your local video store and get a copy of the new Big Train Best Of DVD that came out this week. Forget Little Britain - the second series bites and is going down the Fast Show pan FAST. Alternatively, read a book or listen to the new Leonard Cohen album.

14.00 hit40uk 14.25 Hollyoaks Omnibus 16.35 Same Bridget.

Brand New Diary 17.00 Friends Charlton Heston finds Joey in a compromising position during a movie shoot.

And then guns him down.

17.30 The Joe Schmo Show 18.30 The Joe Schmo Show 19.30 The Joe Schmo Show 20.30 Friends 21.00 Teachers 22.00 The Joe Schmo Show Over-elaborate Joe Millionaire / Average Joe style reality show.

Surely contestants must know that if they’re going to appear on a program with the word “Joe” in the title then they’re going to end up looking a divvy?

23.00 Fool Around...

00.05 Bo' Selecta! 00.35 Porn: A Family Business 01.10 Porn: A Family Business 01.40 Line of Fire 02.30 Bo' Selecta!

03.00 Teachers Not the best of the whiskeys, but good for dizzying up your evening nonetheless.

My current alcoholic drink of the day is red wine. Providing the bottle has a cool label, with roads, a red rose or a sunset on it, then that claret has TV John’s name on it.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.00 RAD - The Groms Tour America: The Groms Tour 11.30 Xcalibur 12.00 Beyblade 12.30 Duel Masters 13.00 Combat Club Advice on how to conquer and finally quit your decade long obsession with a certain chocolate bar that comes in orange, mint and basic milk chocolate flavours. 13.30 The Chart 14.00 Dawson's Creek 14.55 FILM: Blues Brothers 2000 * 17.10 FILM: Jason and the Argonauts Someone once told me that “Argonaut” was a euphemism for a person of a particularly disgusting sexual perversion. Anyone know of any truth in the rumour, phone the gair rhydd office and explain all. Ask for Dean Williams *** 19.05 Charmed 19..55 five news and sport 20.05 The Dead Zone 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Murder Prevention 23.00 FILM: I've Been Waiting for You With Soleil Moon Frye, who has a silly name. ** 00.45 Law and Order 01.40 FILM: Thicker than Blood The George Michael story. I’m referring to custard, by the way. I hear George loves it. ** 03.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 03.25 Russell Grant's Postcards 03.30 The Love Boat 04.20 The Invaders So anyway, I went to Pontypridd today and went to the Wetherspoons by the railway station. Great pub that. They had a power cut, and instead of turfing out the customers, they just lit candles and did all the tills with their bare hands. Excellent.

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PRIMETIME

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 The Planet's Funniest Animals 13.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 15.25 FILM: Silent Running Do not at ANY cost, confuse this with Cool Runnings. This sucks.*** 17.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp Why this is on during the time normally reserved for watching You’ve Been Framed, is completely lost on me.

18.00 The X Factor Vote Tabby out, the dopey talentless Rod Stewart imitating haggard cunt.

19.15 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Gay Love Marathon 20.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.25 The X Factor And get rid of that Charlotte Church lookalike who thinks she’s Joss Stone while you’re at it? Why the fuck would anyone want to be like Joss Stone anyway? She’s about as useful in society as a man trapped in a portaloo.

22.10 Parkinson Boring souring milk of a man interviewing old farts.

23.15 ITV News 23.30 FILM: The Untouchables ***** 01.40 FILM: Annie Hall Classic Woody Allen film, so good I watched it in one of my lectures.

But don’t let that put you off, it’s not that intelligent, just a relationship-questionner in the style of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, only le ss conciously wacky. ***** 03.10 CD:UK 04.00 Shoot the Writers Shoot the commisionners more like. Entertainment

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19.00 Liquid Assets: Tom Cruise's Millions 20.00 FILM: The Saint Ha! I really wanted to see this in the cinema when it came out, purely because I liked Orbital’s version of the theme tune. Alas! I wasn’t old enough, but now I’ve seen it, I regret every single second I was counting down until I was 15. You’ve guessed it - it fucking sucks.** 21.50 Spooks 22.50 The Graham Norton 23.35 Little Britain Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comic look at life in Britain.

With Anthony Head and Jamie Theakston.

00.05 My Life in Film 00.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.35 Michael Flatley: King Of Clubs 02.35 Anna in Wonderland I was about to joke that this stars Anna RyderRichardson, and then I realised it actually does star the mingey decorator. If that’s not a sign that BBC Three is an absolute joke, I don’t know what is. 03.05 India's Ladyboys Saucy!

09.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 The Plantsman 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross: Meryl Streep Special Possibly the first time “Meryl Streep” and “Special” have been used in the same sentence. 13.15 Birding with Bill Oddie 13.45 Nero Wolfe Mysteries 15.15 The Return of Sherlock Holmes 16.05 Bowls: BUPA Care Homes Open 17.05 What the Papers Say 17.15 International Rugby Union: Scotland v Australia 19.25 Porridge 20.00 Magic: Disappearances American magician Franz Harary attempts his biggest ever disappearance; London's Tower Bridge. Mmmm, I’m sure it will actually disappear too, and it won’t be done with mirrors or anything.

21.00 Venice: Death 22.00 John Peel Tribute Suspicious how they’ve managed to have a 90 minute programme already lined up for this, but if you’ve got any modicum of respect for the music and pop culture that surrounds you, you’ll be watching this.

23.30 Room 101 With genius Harry Hill, who nominates Ice Cream Vans, as you’d expect, and God, which you woudn’t. I’d be interested in how intelligent this sounds. I still regret not seeing him do Morrissey on Stars in Their Eyes.

00.00 Bowls: BUPA Care Homes Open 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Talk Italian 1-6 03.30 Eurografters: Italy 04.00 Make Italian Your Business Unless you’re Sergio Berlusconi, in which case this is about turning your business into running the Italians into Shit City.

Fool Around...With My Girlfirend C4 1.25pm

As S4C except: 08.55 The Morning Line 09.55 T4: hit40uk 10.25 T4: The OC 11.25 T4: Friends 11.55 T4: One Tree Hill 12.55 T4: Blue: T4 Special 13.25 Fool Around... with My Girlfriend 16.00 FILM: Hombre With *** 18.00 Morgan and Platell 18.30 Channel 4 News 18.55 Journey to the Centre of the Earth 21.00 FILM: Arlington Road Not to be confused with Arlington Grange, which was the stately home they used as the setting for the TV version of Cluedo. *** 23.10 FILM: Apocalypse Now Overrated bollocks, so much like The Shawshank Redemption in many respects. ***** 02.00 Muffin 02.20 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 02.45 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 03.30 Andromeda 04.15 Andromeda 05.00 Countdown 05.45 Pelswick My best friend’s brother, AKA Akira the Don is live on BBC Wales tonight, which has livened up my very tired and bored evening. I could do with a cup of coffee. Surely it’s a legal right to have caffeine facilities in an office environment?

Your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBBC: Astro Boy 07.20 The Mummy 07.45 Arthur 08.10 Taz-Mania 08.35 The Scooby-Doo Show 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Bowls: BUPA Care Homes Open 14.15 International Rugby Union: Wales v South Africa 15.30 Football Update 15.35 International Rugby Union: Wales v South Africa 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.40 Only Fools and Horses 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing 19.35 The National Lottery The 10th anniversary! Can you believe this crock of shit establishment has been in existance for a decade? I remember being made to write a critique of The National Lottery when I was in my first year at secondary school. That was back in the good old days of Mystic Meg and her humourously ambiguous predictions as to who might win.

20.35 Strictly Come Dancing With singer Michael Bubl’e, who can kiss my ass.

21.00 Casualty 21.50 The National Lottery 22.10 BBC News; Weather 22.30 Match of the Day 00.00 FILM: Target ** 01.55 FILM: The Prosecutors ** 03.30 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 04.30 They Think It's All Over Oh God, I’ve only had a pint and a half in the graduate bar and I can’t type.

The Dead Zone five 8.05pm

PRIMETIME

Touching the Void BBC2 5.40pm

Silent Running ITV1 3.25pm

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Sunday

Page 30

November 1 - 7 2004

captain_planet@he’s_a_hero.com

09.25 Movies Now 09.35 It's Good to Be... Posh and Becks Come on, let’s be honest, it’s not really is it? You’re either a stupid tawt or an anorexic stupid twat. I was trying to think of an amusing pun for this show but posh and becks are too fucking stupid to warrant jokes. Cunts.

10.05 The X Factor 11.20 The X Factor Result 12.05 The Xtra Factor Result 12.35 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 13.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.50 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.00 The X Factor 21.15 The Xtra Factor 22.15 The X Factor Result 23.00 The Xtra Factor Result 23.30 Coronation Street 00.00 The Frank Skinner Show 01.00 Undeclared I’m pretty sure this is a sting operation to catch out the gair rhydd editor because he’s embezzling funds to purchase high class hookers for his special parties. I never get invited so I’m bitter. 01.25 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 02.20 Orange Playlist 02.45 Jerry Springer 03.25 Teleshopping 05.25 ITV2 Nightscreen

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 09.30 Malcolm in the Middle 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 12.00 Futurama This far exceeds the Simpsons in every way. Homer and co. are becomming so random now it’s clear the writers just wait for the royalties to pour in. Cunts. 12.30 Futurama 13.00 Malcolm in the Middle 13.30 Sky Travel Shop 14.00 Gamezville 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Oliver Beene 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Hex 22.00 Mile High 23.00 The 1970s Office 00.00 Cold Case 01.00 Law and Order 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 02.40 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 03.30 Scrubs 03.55 Scrubs 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager

14.00 Fool Around... with My Girlfriend No I couldn’t... 14.30 Fool Around... with My Girlfriend Well if you insist...

15.00 Faking It: The T4 Specials 16.05 The Next Joe Millionaire 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 18.30 The OC 19.30 One Tree Hill 20.30 Friends 21.00 The Joe Schmo Show 22.00 The Sopranos 23.10 Curb Your Enthusiasm 23.45 Same Bridget. Brand New Diary 00.15 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 00.40 The OC 01.35 One Tree Hill 02.25 The Sopranos 03.20 Curb Your Enthusiasm I’m still fucking ranting about Clwb Ifor on wednesday night. Why have the ponces taken over my top floor? You can fuck off with you charty indie bollocks and go stand outside Virgin to discuss who can see the least from under their streaked blonde locks. I know you all aspire to be a part of Rooster but take your wank elsewhere and keep out of Clwb Ifor! Your fucking hair style means fuck all! Argh.

Right...breathe...ok I’m calming down now...

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Last’s week’s attempt at beating that fucking bear failed miserably.

This week Noddy hatches a cunning plan to douse the bear in petrol and set light to him.

Unfortunately, Big Ears, while getting down and dirty with Sally Skittle, knocks the flaming match out of Noddy’s hand burning the bear’s supply of charmin.

The bear proceeds to beat seven shades of hell out of Noddy so he’s no longer the happiest boy in Toyland. What a dick. 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge This week, contestants have to see how many glass bottles of coke they can shove inside her. I had a go but I could only get four.

11.00 Wishbone Midday porn.

Thankyou five. 11.30 A Different Life 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 FILM: Columbo: A Friend in Deed *** 15.40 FILM: Hellfighters ** 17.55 five news and sport 18.15 FILM: Richie Rich With Macaulay Culkin and John Larroquette. (Comedy, 1994) *** 20.00 Britain's Worst Wife 21.00 FILM: Behind Enemy Lines With Gene Hackman and Owen Wilson. (Thriller, 2001) ** 23.05 World's Wildest Police Videos 00.00 Seniors Golf: ADT English Seniors Open 00.50 NFL Live: Baltimore Ravens v Cleveland Browns 04.45 Argentinian Football

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06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 ICC Cricket World 2004 07.25 The Volvo Urban Adventure Rat Race 07.55 Weird World of Sport 08.25 2004 Gatorade Iron Man Race 08.55 Chancers 09.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.00 Maniffesto 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Stargate SG-1 13.50 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 14.45 Y Clwb Rygbi 17.00 Welsh in a Week 17.30 Newyddion News 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Y Sioe Gelf 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cerdded y Llinell 21.00 Talcen Caled So, the American presidential elections are coming up and as you may have guessed, the TV desk have noticed the incredible similarity between John Kerry and Bruce Springsteen. If Bush gets another term I think we should rise up as a nation of vigilantes and storm the White House. To be honest, the American people would probably be glad of it. Well I would at least.

21.55 Newyddion News.

22.05 Musicality 23.10 UK Music Hall of Fame 01.15 Crazy Rulers of the World An insight into the world of Mr Bush, including his favourite pastimes: poor children bashing, hamster eating, anal fingering amongst other things. I reckon if I turn into a complete cunt I could become a ‘world leader’. 02.15 God Bless America: With God on Our Side Yeah ok, you’re going to need more than a fictitious old man with a beard to help you out of this one. Captain Planet could do it, apart from that stupid token with the ‘power’ heart.

04.05 Morgan and Platell

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Art Attack 09.50 How II 10.05 Finger Tips 10.30 The Championship 11.15 My Favourite Hymns 12.15 St Jimmy's 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including News Headlines and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.15 FILM: The Indian in the Cupboard *** If there were fucking pixies in my cupboard I’d leave the house and get Rentokill in. Evidently, in the film, a girl befriends the Indian but doesn’t realise he’s after one thing. Quite intriguing if you think about it. 15.55 The Railway Children Don’t play on the railway because you’ll die. If you’re a Chav and you like your Burberry go right ahead. Please.

17.55 In Fine Voice 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat I was going to write something witty and amusing about this but I’ve just heard the beautiful sounds of Something Corporate drifting around the office. I’ve found another fan!

Fantastic!

21.00 Foyle's War 23.00 ITV News 23.15 Hitler's Fixer I think he hangs around Cardiff trying to push anything he gets. Hitler: dope addict.

00.15 Not Just on Sundays A programme about, amongst other things, sex, ferret bashing, masturbation, penis licking, funhole finding, shaving and orifice stretching. 00.45 World Rally Championship 01.15 Motorsport UK 01.40 Bourne Is Back - Making The Bourne Supremacy 02.05 Building the Dream 02.30 Trisha has to deal with a horse who claims to be her secret lovechild. Whinny.

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19.00 End of Story Claudia 20.00 Liquid Assets: Freddie Mercury's Millions I’ve never actually watched this but is it as bollocks as it sounds? TV desk opinion seems to be a resounding yes. 21.00 Conviction 22.00 Conviction 23.00 Little Britain Since I chose this last week as my ‘pick of the week’ I thought I’d better watch it. To be honest though, it was a bit of a disappointment. They seem to have run out of ideas. I’m guessing by the end of the series, to boost the ratings, there will be hardcore porn on our screens. Well it would appeal to me. Fnarr.

23.30 Nighty Night 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Liquid Assets 01.55 Jerry Hall's Gurus I hope after last week some people have gone and bought some Ataris albums. My recommendation this week is Dashboard Confessional because they’re fucking superb. Buy the album A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar and you won’t be disappointed. Ah emo at its best and no screaming shit, just great songs. 02.55 End of Story

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBeebies: Looney Tunes 07.05 ScoobyDoo and Scrappy-Doo 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Style 12.00 The Future Is Wild 12.25 Sunday Grandstand 12.30 Sport + 12.50 Squash: British Open 13.30 Rugby League: GB v New Zealand 14.10 Bowls: BUPA Care Homes Open 16.55 Songs of Praise 17.30 Scrum V Dear, dear. Look at what BBC sport has become.

You know something’s going wrong when they’re covering squash and fucking bowls! What is that about? Next week its the world Cribbage championships.

Personally, I can’t wait., 18.20 Dive Caribbean 19.00 Get a New Life 20.00 Top Gear 21.00 The Fight 22.00 QI 22.30 Match of the Day 2 23.30 Room 101 00.00 FILM: Mojo With Ian Hart and Ewen Bremner. (Drama, 1997) *** Feature film about an undisclosed member of Xpress radio who loses their mojo and has to hunt throughout the Union to reclaim it. The film ends with a superb orgy in the Xpress studio. The furry end of a microphone is put to a new and exciting use. Fnarr. 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners: Reading Skills It’s a bit fucking harsh posting written TV listings for a programme on how to read. How are the people who need to see this show ever going to find out?

Bastards. 03.00 IT for Work I’m still reading ‘It’ and it’s bloody scary. I certainly wouldn’t hire the demon clown even if he does have cool balloons and a painted face. 04.00 IT for Retirement 05.00 New Arrivals

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 08.10 Match of the Day 09.30 Breakfast with Frost 10.30 The Heaven and Earth Show I hate this show. Religion is really pissing me off right now. 11.30 Countryfile 12.30 The Politics Show 13.30 EastEnders 14.25 Paula's Return: The New York City Marathon Live 17.00 EastEnders 17.55 Lifeline 18.05 Points of View 18.15 Last of the Summer Wine If you ever watch this you should be shot. I’ll do it personally. Funny story, today I was waiting at the bus stop with a big bag and this dithering old fool walked past and shouted at me, telling me to move the bag. He started mouthing off and actually used the words ‘the kids these days’.

Haha, come on kids, we all know what he is don’t we?

That’s right, an old cunt.

18.45 Antiques Roadshow 19.35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin: Bhutan to Bay of Bengal 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Winner Takes All Britain? Fuck. It started with an advert and now Michael Winner is taking over the country. I suppose anyone is better than Mr Blair who can’t tell his arse from his elbow. If the liberals ever got in though I’d leave for Ascension Island. So the answer is...ANARCHY! 22.55 On Show 23.25 FILM: Murder at 1600 With Wesley Snipes and Diane Lane. (Thriller, 1997) ** 01.05 New York City Marathon 01.45 The Sky at Night

Squash: British Open Not Just On Crazy Rulers Of The BBC2 12.50pm Sundays ITV 12.15am World S4C 1.15am

P R I M E T I M E

Panorama: Winner BBC1 10.15pm

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! 029 20709922

As S4C except: 06.05 Animal Alphabet 08.55 T4: Popworld 09.50 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.25 T4: Fool Around... with My Girlfriend 13.00 T4: Britney's Greatest Bits 13.30 T4: Chancers 14.05 T4: The OC 15.10 T4: Friends 15.40 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 16.35 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.30 The Simpsons And it begins...the Simpsons on C4!

This is probably a part of history or something so you should prob take some time out to watch this. What else are you going to do on a Sunday evening? 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Scrapheap Challenge 19.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 20.00 Crazy Rulers of the World: The Men Who Stare at Goats 21.00 UK Music Hall of Fame 23.10 FILM: Ghosts of Mars With Ice Cube and Natasha Henstridge. (2001) *** 00.55 FILM: Mani Ratnam Presents: Anjali With Revathi and Raghuvaran. (Drama, 1990) 03.30 The Dirty Race for the White House Bush = Cunt.

04.30 Morgan and Platell 05.00 Countdown 05.45 Party Animals 05.50 Pelswick

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Five Minute Fun

November 1 2004

Page 31

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

The Big Quiz* * Contains no artificial colourings or flavours

1. If you’ve inadver tantly acquired a boyfriend/girlfriend that you don’t really want, which of the following is the best way to break up with them?

A: By carrier pigeon B: By making fire engine noises during sex C: By calling them a cunt in front of their parents D: By writing to the ever brilliant Problem Page Matt for ideas (Matt - am I redeemed?)

E: All of the above 2. Why do birds suddenly appear, ever ytime you

3. After his shameful dancing last week, we thought things couldn’t get any worse for editor Gar y. But what did he do this week to embarass himself more?

A: Wore his Exeter City shir t out in public B: Turned up to work with an impressive array of lovebites C: Wet himself with excitement at this edition of Five Minute Fun 4. How did Gar y claim he incurred the ‘injur y’ to his neck?

A: ‘A fencing wound’ B: ‘With a hoover’ C: ‘A nasty paper cut’ - ah, the perrils of being gair rhydd editor

Annsummers: 1.E (Although Carrier pigeon is a personal favourite); 2.D; 3.B; 4.A

?

are near?

A: Because you are, in fact, a worm B: Just like me, they long to be close to you C: Because you’re living in an Alfred Hitcock film D: None of the above

WOULD YOU RATHER...?

It’s quite simple really, just decide which of the following options would be most preferable.

Oh yeah, the third option is DIE, horribly.

A) Have a wooden leg B) Have a hook for an arm A) Sex with Harold from Neighbours B) Sex with David Dickinson A) Have three tiny eyes B) Have one massive eye A) Have a pencil for a penis B) Have a butternut squash for a penis

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

It seems that my time at University is flying by, with the exception of time spent in the gair rhydd office.

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I’m completely computer illiterate, or perhaps my brain is just slower and more stupid than everyone else’s. Anyway, I think you’ll all agree that it pays off. This is, after all, the best page in the paper (...or not, depending on where you’re standing). After a promising increse in crossword entries last week, the quality has gone down again. Work with me people. If this page is more obscene than usual it’s because I’ve been under Jim’s subversive influence (ah, but it’s obscenity coupled with sublime design... Swings and roundabouts. - Jim). Happy Days!

Sarah

in the event of a tie write your Bollywood name on your entry take your middle name as your first name favourite Indian food as your surname funniest one wins, but it must be genuine

Six Degrees of...

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2

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3

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If you haven’t got the hang of this by now then shame on you. Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in. No prizes are given for being a smartarse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Bollywood name: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: Daniel Radcliffe to Emma Thompson (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) to Kate Winslet (Sense and Sensibility) to Jim Carrey (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) to Jennifer Aniston (Bruce Almighty) to Ben Stiller (Along Came Polly)

Listings

Page 32

November 1 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

YO! HOME TO BEL AIR I haven’t worked out the politics of giving a number one recommendation to an event from a rival Students’ Union in Cardiff but to hell with it, you can’t argue with Jazzy Jeff. Up there wih Jeffrey we’ve got comedy, live music and a surprise entry... US election coverage!

1

Lamerica presents...

Jazzy Jeff @Union (Churchill Way)

Sat 6th Nov / 10pm-4am / £12 adv

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Live @Barfly Blackbud

+ The Blims + The Experiment Thurs 4th Nov / Doors 7.30pm

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ardiff University’s Live Music Society are a very active bunch and here is the proof if proof were needed.

The society are hosting this Thursday’s live music at The Barfly, which sees fast-rising Blackbud take to the stage with more-than-able support from The Experiment and The Blims Blackbud (one of whom is pictured below) are Glastonbury top dog, Michael Eavis' favourite new band. They won one of the glastonbury unsigned band competitions and were asked by Eavis to play at

his own personal festival.

They are also to tour with Hope of the States and have all manner of things in the works, yet are all under 20. Sickening, isn’t it?

But it’s cool, they have a social conscience too! Blackbud will be at ace Cardiff record shop, Spillers (situated on the Hayes), from 10.30am, playing acoustically as part of the launch of the Big Issue busking competition, where we are promised there will be free cake. That’s right - free cake!

There is nothing more to be said. Get there!

JEFF: Plotting his revenge on Uncle Phil.

A

nother Union gig makes it into the listings recommendations this week but it’s not our Union. I know it’s confusing but stick with it. The Students’ Union in question is UWIC’s Students’ Union, which can be found by Virgin Megastore on Churchill Way. Saturday 6th Nov sees them host Lamerica in association with Soul Heaven, who present "Jazzy Jeff in the House" album launch party.

There will undoubtedly be people who head down there next Saturday to catch a man they still associate with early evening repeats of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. They’ll certainly be in for a shock

3 A

though, when Jazzy Jeff steps up to give an effortless lesson in vinyl manipulation.

Famed for DJ sets that not only span all aspects of hip hop, but also jazz, soul, house, broken beat and anything else he finds at the bottom of the box, this will certainly be a lesson to remember.

Expect records to fly as musical snippets, snatches and scratches are thrown at the crowd. Eschewing the ten minute painstaking mix, Jeff favours a frenetic musicscape crafted from as many bars as he can pack.

As well as phenomenal DJ skills, Jeff is a producer at the forefront of cutting edge new music coming out

of the US, as his 2002 solo debut LP, The Magnificent, is testament.

Highly praised by critics and fans alike, Jeff draws on experience and contacts gained from over a decade running his own production company, A Touch of Jazz, where the roster includes Musiq Soulchild, Bilal and Kenny Latimore.

Perhaps the most well known though, is Jill Scott, who caused waves with the essential Who Is Jill Scott? and who has returned to centre stage with her recent LP, Beautifully Human. So all in all, the company’s flying high, Jazzy’s soaring; it’s gonna be a hefty evening and I expect to see you in attendance.

Al Pitcher @Seren Las Tues 2nd November / 8pm / £4

l Pitcher (pictured) headlines this week’s Comedy Network at Seren Las, in our very own Students’ Union, on Tuesday night. The Kiwi stand-up was a finalist in the Channel 4 competition, ‘So You Think You’re Funny’,and has been wowing crowds up in Edinburgh this summer.

Pitcher’s energetic live show has seen him described as "New Zealand’s answer to boredom". He is also the voice of Fosters beer ads.

Al's work can also be heard on Radio One's signature comedy show, The Milk Run. He will be ably supported by at the Union’s Comedy Club by Roisin Conaty.

As with all Comedy Network acts (such as Harry Hill and Mark Lamaar) you’d best catch Al in a small venue while you still can. Thanks to the very reasonable door price of £4 you can still do it and afford a few beers. Result.

A fine event indeed but be sure to get home in time for...

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US Election Broadcast

Tues 2nd Nov

BBC1: 11.50pm-6am

avid Dimbleby presents live coverage of the US Presidential Election from Washington DC. Whilst Peter Snow analyses results as they come in, to assess who is heading for the White House.

This really requires little explanation. All elections of this sort are important for obvious reasons, yet this one, we feel, is slightly more pressing. Having ruled for the last four years, Bush has succeeded in making idiocy chic, plunging his country into near recession and demolishing America’s reputation in the eyes of much of the world.

And that was before Iraq.

Although there is now little that non-American citizens are able to do to affect the outcome of the election, a passing interest in the

events of Tuesday night would be no bad thing. As you get ready for a night out, bear in mind the consequences of Bush winning a second term, because unfortunately it has an effect on all of us.

From the destruction of our natural environment to increased world instability, re-election for George would likely signal an increasingly ruthless pursuance of the Neo-Conservative’s ‘New American Century’ project.

This isn’t a call to pull an allnighter with Peter Snow (though I don’t doubt he’s charming company). It is simply a request for those currently uninterested, to tune up to the consequences of four more years. Of course the sad truth is that Kerry isn’t likely to be a great deal better...

Listings

November 1 2004

Page 33

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton.

If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. We accept cash bribes.

Monday01/11

Tuesday02/11

Wednesday03/11

Thursday04/11

Friday05/11

Saturday06/11

Sunday07/11

CinemaWeek

Fun Factory @ Solus It’s a factory that makes fun. Free entry with NUS, £3 without.

On the Side @ Fun Factory Put on by the Live Music Society in the back room of Solus (now dubbed the Xpress Lounge), On the Side features live bands each week. This week it’s a surprise.

Coordinated @ Amber Lounge Night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter. 7-11pm, £1 (NUS).

TV is boring @Moloko Live Music, Art, Dj's & Film over 3 floors. Turn off the TV and free your mind. Free entry. 6pm-2am.

New Noise @Metros "Alternative therapy for the musically depressed". New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendry, and almost mythical, double + mixer for 80p. £3 before 11. 9-2am.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @ Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform (if you’re early enough) with the house trio. Variable quality of playing/singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm £2.or £1 if you sign up to perform.

The Russian State Opera Of Rostov @ St. David’s Hall La Boheme (Puccini) Sung in Italian with English subtitles. 7:30 From £15 Live @ Barfly Mr David Viner + Siobhan Parr + Session 7.30pm £5 adv. Blues and folk from Mr. David Viner - a gaunt young man in a cheap suit, possessor of a worldly knowledge beyond his years, and a heart of stone. And emotive and heartfelt folk/soul from Siobhan Parr. Mr Viner reminds us what songwriting and melody is about. He shows us that traditional music need not be boring, and that energy and volume are not as closely related as we all sometimes think.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Shape Of My Adiction, The Story So Far, The Red October 8.00pm

Lashtastic @Solus The Union’s regular Friday night shenanigans. 10pm-2am £3.50/£3 adv.

Heavy Quartet @Riverbank Hotel Awesome local jazz ensemble with, despite the name, close to a dozen members.

Boisterous jazz and some unlikely covers are the order of the day. 9pm £4/£3.

Full Fat @Moloko Funk, Breakbeats, Hip-hop, Motown, Retro Disco + Electro Boogie. Drinks Promos all night, retro vid's/visuals, regular guest Dj's. free B4 11pm. til 2am.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10pm, £3.50 Chaos @Metros £2.50 b4 10pm Higher Learning @ The Toucan Award winning Hip hop night brought to you

by Dregz & Captain, This week the first heat of the annual MC battle commences. 10pm£5. Bar- DJ Chaz & Kris Jenkins -The city’s most eclectic selectors! £3.50/Free B4 10pm Live @ Barfly The Czars + Dave Dave & The Slave + Lone Pine 7.30pm £7 adv Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Bryn Fon a'r Band. 9.00pm £10.

Welsh Independent Dance @ Chapter Arts Centre Welsh Independent Dance makes a welcome return after sell-out performances in September with a vibrant evening of four newly commissioned experimental dance works from four choreographers. 8pm fri and sat University Symphony Orchestra @ University Concert Hall Mark Sambell - Piano Beethoven - Overture: The Creatures of Prometheus, Handel - Music for the Royal Fireworks, Shostakovich - Piano Concerto No 2, Stravinsky - Ballet Suite: The Firebird 7:30pm Tickets £8, £6 (concessions) and £3 (students).

Comedy Club @Seren Las See facing page for details.8-11pm £4 Soul Motion @Moloko Check out this wicked night if you are into funk, soul, boogaloo, rare groove or dancefloor jazz. til 2am free.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo £1 entry before 11.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50 Grass Roots @The Toucan Presenting- A local MC contest- All the finest young rappers battle it out for the title! And if that’s not your thing try the bar for Circular Music Open Sessions, a night of unsigned talent where anyone can come along and arrange a spot. House guitar provided! 8pm £2.

Gene Pitney @St. David’s Hall Plus support. Let this legendary singer-songwriter entertain you with his classic hits Twenty-four Hours From Tulsa… and….. erm….the rest. 7:30 From £17.00, Lunchtime Concert @St. David’s Hall The Bronte String Quartet. 1pm £5.00 The Shell Seekers @New Theatre Tues - Sat. Evenings 7.30pm; Thurs & Sat Matinees 3.00pm. Rosemary Leach, one of Britain’s most popular actresses, leads an accomplished cast in this new adaptation of Rosamunde Pilcher’s bestselling novel. 2 magic words: student standby.

Cardiff Little Theatre @The Sherman Tues- Sat. A condemned man escapes and is hidden in a roll-top desk. As his story hits the front pages, chaos, intrigue and comedy abound. Venue 2. 8.00pm £5 (nus) Live @Barfly The Subways + Little Kishky + Starski.

Winners of a competition to play at this years Glastonbury Festival. 7.30pm £5 Band Spanking New Presents @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Hot Puppies, Vibration White Finger, The Cuban Heels. 8pm £4.

Come Play @Solus Trusty student favourite and a weekly sell-out, Come Play aims for the student mainstream and hits the target every time. The ‘Come Play Girls’ have proved particularly popular. 9-2am £3.50 adv.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm.

Saturday @Incognito Swiss + pals from the house circuit of wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, escape. til 2am UBERALLES @Barfly New club night with more of the same indie output.

Delinquent @Metros Alt and new music. 9pm-3am free with flyer before 10pm/ £4 after.

Niche @ Emporium Niche are hosting the Bedrock Original Series Tour, with Desyn Masiello playing a 3 hour headlining set, alongside Deepgroove and resident Matt Sawyer. 2 rooms of Underground House and Progressive. 10pm-4am £10/ £9 NUS. The Mothership Convention @ The Toucan Ronnie Canada backed by the Toucan musicians. Ronnie’s vocal style hits you with the soul of early James Brown and Bobby Womack and the Blues of Bobby Bland! £5 Live @ Barfly Silver Sun + Echelon. 7.30pm £6 adv Cardiff Underground Presents @ Clwb Ifor Bach Phil Hartnoll (ORBITAL). The last time the Orbital legend Phil was in Clwb, earlier this year it was a complete sell out. Those who were there say it was one hell of a night, the hoards of ticketless punters outside said that it was cold. With very special guests Johnny Acid, Earl Morris and DJ Barnett. 10pm £10 Jazzy Jeff @Union See facing page for details.

Rubber Duck @Solus 10pm -2am £3.50 on the door/ £3 adv Wednesday social @The Barfly Relax and soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm.

All Three Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Cheapskates @Metros Alt & Cheese. 9-2am.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn Bring your music and play it. From 8pm. Free.

ElectroMoloko @Moloko ‘Raunchy Electro’, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem. 8pm-2am Free entry.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ and clubbing society’s new weekly night. The Philly becomes a haven for people into dance music of all kinds and gives society members a chance to DJ. Look forward to a combination of lots of different types of dance music from progressive or funky house, to breaks, tecno and hard house. 8pm til 1am.

Free for members/ £1(NUS).

Dungeon’s @The Toucan Rock Club Featuring the best Live Rock Bands and special £1 drinks promotions! Acoustic Bar: Open Mic acoustic sessions FREE B4 9pm/£2 after.

And in the bar...Bread And Butter- New night of Hip Hop and New Beats 10pm £2 –free before 10pm John Tripp Award @St David’s Hall Come and watch some of the best spoken-word poets from Wales as they compete in the Grand Final of the John Tripp Spoken Poetry Award.

7:30pm £4.00 Theatr Genedlaethol Cymru @The Sherman Theatre Romeo a Juliet (In Welsh) Weds -Fri 7.30 Live @ Barfly Wednesday 13 + Viking Skull + Towers Of London. 7.30 £8 adv (sounds scary) Harrison Ford Quartet @Riverbank Hotel Originals and contemporary tunes. 9pm £4/£3

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party @Seren Las The Gareth Roberts Quintet comes to the Union for this weeks jazz party. Gareth Roberts is a prominent figure on the local jazz scene. A maths teacher by day and crazed trombone fiend by night, Gareth has delighted crowds throughout Wales and beyond with his energy and flair, not to mention his growing repertoire of highly interesting original compositions. Recently seen playing with the use of only one arm (having broken the other) Gareth will have the use of both arms on this outing and is expected to make good use of them. From 7pm £2.

Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs' end of the week: a night that takes you where-ever you want to go. So long as it involves nothing but house music. 8-12.30pm, Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Acoustic open mic. sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen. Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas.

8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm.

Echomind Launch party @ The Toucan Album launch by popular local indie rockers.

Cleverdick Quiz @Taf, SU 6-11pm MedClub Quiz @MedBar 8pm. Proof that Medics prefer to be quizzed later.

NO WAX @Moloko Bring your MP3's and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

The Magic of Mozart by Candlelight @ St. David’s Hall Mozart Festival Orchestra: Overture, Marriage of Figaro, Symphony No 41 Jupiter, Clarinet Concerto, Eine Kleine Nachtmusic, Alleluia from Exsultate Jubilate K165, Queen of the Night from the Magic Flute, Piano Concerto No 21 7:30pm From £11 Live @ Barfly Adequate Seven + Buzzkill + The Peacocks + Sonic Boom Six. Doors 6.30pm £6 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach The Suns Of Thunder, Death Of Her Money, Strange playing in aid of www.concern.net.

7.00pm £5

Twisted By Design @The City Arms Pretty much anything other than chart or dance music. 8.30pm-2am. Free.

Judgement Night @Metros The best in rock and metal. £2.50 or less.

Soundbytes @Journeys Run by resident DJ Dave Grooveslave. It features live performances, usually electronic, by local artists. From 8pm til late. Free.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Successful drum ‘n’ bass and hip-hop night.

8pm-2am.

Uprising @Clwb Ifor Bach reggae, dub, ska.

Excellent night.10pm. £3.

Violet Row @ The Toucan The latest band showcase, brought to you by Home Promotions, this week featuring - Locus of Control, Rejected and Base Four. 8pm-2am £3 entry Bar @ The Toucan Boomshanka Live Acoustic Soul & Hippy Funk with The Pockets and Chucky Egg–8pm-1am £3/£2 LMS @The Barfly Blackbud + The Blims +The Experiment. See facing page for further details.

Blackbud @Spillers The band are helping to launch the Big Issue busking competition by playing acoustic from 10:30am on. What nice people they are and that goes for the fine folk at Spillers too. As if there wasn’t already enough reason to go along and hang around there will even be free cake!!!!!

BBC National Orchestra and Chorus of Wales @St. David’s Hall Hear Beethoven’s final orchestral work with its stupendous power and choral Ode to Joy performed alongside Tippett’s last orchestral piece, the serene and exotic The Rose Lake. £6 (nus) First Thursday @Chapter Art Centre Wales’ premier poetry event presents another double bill of top notch poetry. With Christine Evans and Ruth Bidgood. Ask on the night to take part in the open mic slot. Tel 01656 663018 for more info. 8pm £2/£1

@Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton / Box Office No: 029 2030 4400

AN ARTS centre that comprises cinema, gallery, theatre, bar, cafe and shop, Chapter is consistently the best place in Cardiff in which to expose yourself to all things creative. Their film showings, ranging from blockbusters to independents to foriegn films, is arguably the major attraction. In recognition of their all-round spiffyness we present here a weekly summary of the various filmic curiosities they have on offer.

(Consult www.chapter.org for times)

Lullaby Tue 2 and Wed 3 Nov/Israel/2003/52 mins subtitled/ctba. Dir: Adi Arbel.

More than sixty babies were killed during the last Intifada in Israel and in the Palestinian Authority territories. Eleven Israeli and Palestinian mothers describe a heartbreaking way the essence of motherhood that had taken a fatal blow, and the unbearable pain caused by the killing of children in the region.

A rare insight into private loss amidst violent political conflict.

Goldfish Memory Fri 5 – Wed 10 Nov/Ireland/2003/85 mins 15. Dir: Elizabeth Gill. With Sean Campion, Flora Montgomery.

Exploring the comical nature of love – straight, gay and everything in between – this is a lighthearted look at the dangers and delights of dating in contemporary Dublin. When Clara sees boyfriend Tom kissing Isolde, it sets off a chain reaction of romances and heartbreaks.

The only thing agree on is that love is the one thing we can’t live without.

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

Page 34

The Phil Collins Photo Casebook EP.2 WEEK 3

Dr. Matthew grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - a fire! a fire! a real fire Daddy!

Abc : 1, 2, 3, Beelzebub, etc.

Dear Dr. Matthew, Seeing as you seem to understand what progressive rock is all about (yeah yeah – Matt) and

John picks Phil up from Mount.

Kennedy in his new Helicopter. Their ETA in Britain is 16:00hrs. On the way, Phil sleeps.

SUDDENLY the helicopter blows up.

Because there was a bomb on board!

Phil and John tumble toward a vast rock canyon...

Phil’s parachute fails to open!

Descending rapidly, he hums “Easy Lover” and hopes for the best. John lands safely and has a smoke.

November 1 2004

have constantly made use of Phil Collins to indoctrinate everyone, we thought we would write to you and ask for a favour. We are four guys playing in a band that as yet has no singer, nor lyricist. This is our problem. We are trying to write a concept album based upon the alphabet and the things taught to children in modern schools. We want to put across a political message about these things and have something important to say about Child Education Policies and the evil that may be involved. We are amazing musicians yet we are stuck. Could you perhaps give us some lyrics based on these themes for the opening track of our album? We have no titles, just a plan to stick to. This number is fairly quick and heavy, and the lyrics need to reflect this.

Thankyou!

The band with no name (yet), 2nd year Phil does not indoctrinate. Phil just Phils about and Phils people up. Lyrics then. I suggest you call the album "Usurpers of the SATS," to start with. The first track shall be called "a b c Satan!" It goes something like this:

YOUNG CHILD! Despoiler of blackboards and yellow chalk, are ye not ashamed?! ‘Nay!’ The child cries! ‘Nay! For I am taught the three R’s! RAPING, RANSACKING AND RELIGIOUS EDUCATION!’ A, B, C Satan! 2, 3, 5, 7 Lucifer!

(You see? Prime numbers. Very prog. Shut up.)

"YOUNG CHILD, you have besmirched your mother’s face!

Your mother lies degraded AND offended!

YOUNG CHILD! You have LACERATED YOUR TEACHER with barbarous prongs of fascist power and a glue gun! Oh Local Education Authority, you are destabilized and on fire!

ABC SATAN, 1, 2, 3 LUCIFER!

A B C Satan, 1, 2, 3 Lucifer!”

YOUNG CHILD, USURPER of the Periodic Table, your mother lies afraid and cold under reams of A4!

YOUNG CHILD! PILLAGER OF ALL BEROL FINELINERS! Your mother is covered in devilish INK!

And you see I could quite easily continue but I’m getting a tad animated and so should stop before I go and jump out of the window. But you see, it works for the opener. Then I expect you’ll flesh out the next few songs with some pretty instrumentals using an eraser and a compass. Will that do? Thought so.

A, b, c Satan, 1, 2, 3 Lucifer!

Matt

A, b, c SATAN! 1, 2, 3, 4 Lucifer!

“I only use my bed for reading.”

Dear Matt,

that they take things so far.

I have a massive problem with my bed, as it makes far too much noise when I haven’t actually moved an inch on it.

Yours sleeping-on-the-floor

The problem is only massive because my housemates are a nosey bunch of guys and constantly make jibes and jokes about the squeaking that comes from my room when my door is shut. I am single, and I enjoy reading, but no more. If I am to do anything rude I save it for the shower, AND therefore can see no reason for my bed to make such violent noises, which serve to amuse my house. Why do they see it fit to bully me because my bed is so squeaky? I know a beam under it might be broken but god, it really gets on my tits

Anon, 3rd year.

In my vast experience (and it is certainly nearly as vast as the Caspian sea) of all things problematic I have never once thought that one could be persecuted by their bed usage.

This vast experience of all things problematic is therefore flawed and I should probably throw it out and get a new one, but the indexing fee costs far too much and all other "medics" in my field would be more inclined to break my mouth than gift me with a free "vast experience" of problems up to and including people who are persecuted by their beds.

It would appear that a trip to your landlord would be in order.

Tie the felonious bed in a gungho fashion (ie: with fishing wire)

to the roof of a vehicle (preferably stolen) and drive it briskly through his front door, with a loud hailer and the accompanying words "kindly change my fucking bed, please." That way he’ll understand. As for your housemates, well, you should put PINS in their beds. Then you can dictate all manner of things to them and they’ll have to take note because there’ll be appalling quantities of blood everywhere and things like that.

Tell them that if they ever put a glass to your wall again you’ll put said glass through their temples. That if they even begin to entertain ideas of filming you in the shower, you’ll throw them through a wall using a JCB, and that if they even START to bully you again, you WILL blow the house up.

Sweet dreams.

Matthew.

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: Friendly, confidential advice from a service you can trust.

Alas, Phil did not land too safely.

John is devestated as Phil lies at his feet. John swears revenge. Phil draws his last breath...

Continues next week..

Remember that if you’re a little bored (let’s face it, Doctors is shit) after Neighbours, and thought of something to rival the fact that JACK SCULLY LEAVES (!) then you can always pop it in my inbox at :GrProblemPage@Cardiff.ac.uk It can be as trivial or as spacked-out as you like. Obviously I’m not too picky. If it’s posing a dilemma then I’d be more than happy to make it worse. It could be that your housemates smoke crack and don’t invite you. They could sell your body to pay for the crack whilst you’re asleep. It could well be that your housemates are using your body to stage bank robberies and bullion heists, whilst always ensuring that the chloroform is on the mouth. Short as you like, long as you like.

Emails. Great. And yes, Phil is really dead. Watch out for something else next week. It might be shit though. Hurrah!

Godspeed, Mr Peel.

And so it came to pass that there was a young man on the train. He was a student type. This happens. Two elderly ladies got on the train. This also happens. There were but two seats remaining, and they were next to the stu dent type. Sometimes, this happens. Only today the student type was half asleep, and was listening to some soothing music that spoke of pre-nuptial arrangements and ladies with large bottoms.

The two elderly ladies chose not to sit down, yet this was a subconscious decision, based upon a short telepathic discussion that sort of, but not definitely, went as follows: "Hello old dears, I suppose you’ll be wanting these delightful seats next to me. Well, that’s fine, as long as you don’t smell too much like stale piss, and you keep that fake tan away from my face – you of Mediterranean cruise descent, on the right."

"Oh dear Betty, this boy looks like one of those communist types Heath used to tell us about – he might eat our grandchildren and ask us why we are reading the Daily Mail!

Oh, the working class! Oh, the frightful state of youth!"

"Why do you not sit next to me? I know I look scruffy but I’m a pleasantly educated middleclass kid, I merely have illusionist ideas about doing the Che Guevara…please stop wobbling your bottom jaw, I don’t care too much that you think I’m going to shoot you in the face and steal your teeth."

"Oh Betty, he has something stuck in his face! It glints like Shipman’s needles!"

"Fine, you miserable bastards, have my seat, I’m going for a piss."

"Oh he goes to make drugs in the toilet, to sell them to our grandchildren!

He shall cause a riot! He shall use the internet to make bombs and destroy our cottage in Cornwall!"

"Why haven’t you sat there then? I did smile at you…"

"He smiled! The tenacious whippersnapper! We must not let him win! We must stay upright even though our surrogate hips may fail and rupture our thighs!"

All change.

I should write plays me.

Shut up.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery This man is good for disguises. 0800-IHAVEMORE Fox or Wallaby? 0800HUNTINGBILLDECIDES

Gary Rees, Union President, October 2004

“I do not invisage that my role as president will in any way be compromised.”

Sport gair rhydd

Issue 773, 1 November 2004 | Email: grsport@hotmail.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

IMG FOOTBALL

BUSA

James Cole

Extensive coverage of the week’s action

With the President suspended, who’s running your AU now?

Pages 37 and 39

Back Page

Match report

DYNAMO CENTURION 1 - 4 LAW A

A game of two halves This week we turn to IMG football and get match reaction from both sides of the Dynamo Centurion versus Law A clash

Disappointing Dynamo defeated

By Pete Church Dynamo Centurion were given a baptism of fire in IMG football against last year’s champions, Law A. Dynamo’s preparations were hit by the news that club president and full-back Ian Hayne was unavailable.

The first half was a tense affair, with both sides struggling to play football on a very difficult pitch, with stand-in ‘keeper Pete Church protected well by his defence (Dave Pastf ield, Paul Gregory, George Williams and captain Andy Ballard).

The best chance of the half fell to the Law A left winger who blazed the ball over the bar when it was easier to score.

The stalemate was broken with a penalty towards the end of the half.

Law A’s left winger again found with the ball being fed to Paulo space in the area, only for Andy Wilson who finished with a truly memorable thunderbolt of a goal.

Ballard to take him down.

The game threatened to boil over Although there was clear contact, the swan dive that resulted when Pastfield decided to take the made Dynamo wonder if we were law in to his own hands (literally) playing the Amateur Dramatic and grappled with the opposition.

Players from both sides got society. The penalty was duly involved before the calming converted, influence of Andy Ballard ensuring Law diffused the situation. went into the There was still time for interval with a rch 7 Law to snatch a fourth, slender one-goal u h C e Pet ld 7 courtesy of a howler from lead.

Pastfie David gor y 8 ‘keeper Church. Although The Centurions e r G l u Pa rd 8 a the match ended in defeat found themselves ll a B s7 Andy there were plenty of three down halfway William e g r o Ge n7 a v positives to take from the through the second ir G John AIR 9 game for Dynamo. half after two Law L B 7 N i DA zinsk a r Last year’s champions headers found the net. o P Sean llers 8 may have started with a Instead of feeling e S e k u 7 L win but on this evidence sorry for themselves, impson Pete S ale 7 the jury’s still out as to Dynamo hit back in D o b im J whether they can retain fine fashion. A neatlytheir title. worked move ended

Playergs Ratin

PHOTO: Adam Gossan

Laying down the Law some better football, leading to Figo finding himself with a chance in the Law A started the new campaign box. Having been well closed down, with a solid performance and a 4- the striker set up Fergus who lashed it 1 win against league newcomers in with his knee through the goalkeeper’s legs!

Dynamo Centurion.

There was still time for a bit of With the backing of a fine legion handbags when a late of fans, Centurion proved stiff oppochallenge by the sition. Perhaps, without the fortress Centurion full of their captain at the back, the score back led to a could have been worse. push, and shove, Law A had good chances to go another push and ahead thanks to creative work by Kenny another shove. It Toby on the left and Foxy on the 7 Frank was good to finally right, but Dynamo’s shot stopper 8 Dave T see some movement was alert to the danger of Steff 9 Pears 1 from the and Fergus. Chances were Cemly 0 n7 ‘Dynamos’.

All in missed, but thanks to the Foxy 7 all, it was a goodimpressive work of the centre Figo 8 natured game and was midfield duo and centre-backs Stonec o played in the right spirfew chances fell to the Toby 8 ld 8 it.

Centurions.

Ferg 7 Top performances The solid performances were turned in across the by both full-backs, Frank park, with Kenny (AKA Turbo Woodman) and commanding his box and Cemlyn, allowed the wide men in midfield to push on. The first goal distributing the ball well. The came from good work by Toby on the outstanding partnership came from left before he was chopped down. The Pears and Big Dave T who were following penalty was calmly throwing in crunching tackles and showing how well they have gelled. smashed in by Rob ‘Figo’ Pyrce.

At half time the game was still very much alive, but the boys reacted well and consolidated the position when birthday-boy Pears climbed highest and buried an inspiring header direct from a corner. Pears quickly added to Football Results 27/10/04 his IMG account with a second headGroup A er following superb work by Foxy.

Concentration seemed to drop as ECONOMICS 5 - 1 JOMEC IRISH SOCIETY 1 - 4 AFC HISTORY thoughts turned to Rubber Duck, EUROS 0 - 5 BANKO FC allowing chances to go begging and CHRISTIAN UNION 2 - 3 ARCHITECgifting a scrappy goal to the TURE Centurions which signalled celebra- Group B tions reminiscent to the liberation of ACCOUNTANCY 2 - 3 ENGIN A CARBS A 5 - 0 PSYCHO ATHLETICO Iraq!

Law responded quickly with AFC CAMP ALLEN 1 - 1 WOODVILLE Stonecold being the catalyst for some SCREAMERS good moves, and Law started to play CHEMSOC 4 - 1 OPTOMETRY Group C JOHN JENKINS FC 5 - 4 SOCSI CARNS B 4 - 1 ENGIN B EARTH SOC 8 - 3 ENGLISH SOC RP LAKERS 3 - 0 ATHLETICO ROY Group D Economics strikers played a lot further MOMED 3 - 1 JAPSOC forward, putting direct pressure on Jomec’s INTER ME NAN 3 - 3 CARDIFF DRAGtwo central defenders. This paid off almost ONS immediately after the restart, as LAW B L - L VASCO DE PHARMA DYNAMO CENTURION 1 - 4 LAW A Economics scored again with a poked scoreline. finish from an incisive through ball.

Although appearing to be a whitewash, The remainder of the half was then dominated by Economics. They knocked Jomec should take heart from their display the ball around confidently with no against what is probably the best side in apparent reaction to the adverse weather their league. At times their counterconditions. However, despite holding out attacking was exhilarating and they posed valiantly for most of the second half, Jomec the Economics defence many problems.

Economics, however, look like a settled eventually capitulated in the last quarter of the game as their morale disintegrated. team who have the guile in their attacking Fincher managed to complete his hat-trick play to unlock the best defences that IMG as Economics added to a rather flattering has to offer.

By Fergus Houlden

Player Rating s

RESULTS

DASH FOR GLORY: Law sprint to victory

Economics stroll to easy victory Economics 5 Jomec 1

By Matt Ramsden IMG Correspondent In their first IMG game of the season, Economics came out on top due to clinical finishing and an apparent superior fitness that saw three goals in the last ten minutes.

The game was level at half time after an evenly-matched contest, Jomec happy to sit back and attack incisively on the counter attack. However, the game erupted into life

as early as the second minute when a dubious offside decision went in favour of the Economics striker Fincher, who lofted the ball over the keeper and into the gaping net.

However, this just seemed to spur Jomec on. Economics ‘keeper Roberts was forced to pull off a marvellous arching save from underneath his crossbar. Jomec restored parity in the tenth minute, when Jomec’s striker was hauled down just inside the penalty area. Centre back Coare confidently strode forward and lashed the ball home into the bottom left hand corner, putting the game back on level terms.

The rest of the half proceeded in an

intriguing fashion, Economics gradually beginning to assert their knowledge of each other’s game with confident passing and set-plays. However, the game’s turning point came on 20 minutes, when Jomec’s striker was savagely hacked down from behind. Despite attempts to carry on, he was replaced, leaving the Jomec manager to contemplate a change of tactics without a target man to hold up the play and link with other players. What followed was the half’s most concerted period of pressure by Economics, culminating in a shot cleared off the line by a Jomec defender.

The second half, however, showed an immediate statement of intent, as the

University Sport

Page 36

November 1 2004

grsport@hotmail.com

BASKETBALL BOUNCE BACK AGAINST BRISTOL

CARDIFF SINK SOUTHAMPTON SURREY

BY Dafydd Bowen BASKETBALL REPORTER

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S basketball team disposed of Bristol University in style with their first win under new coach Frank Daw. The final score was 71-59 with German Hanno Pauly scoring 16. The German contingent was strong with Simon Ramstetter taking man-of-thematch with a solid performance in defence and nine points on offence. At the end of the first quarter, Bristol were up by four points but a magnificent second quarter ensured Cardiff were up at the half-time stage by 11. At one point, the crowd saw Cardiff score 15 unanswered points.

Having been relegated from the premiership last year with no wins, and having lost their first two games, this match signalled a change in fortunes for the basketball squad. With a new coach and an excellent team spirit, an exciting season seems to be in store for the basketball team.

Cardiff reign in Brunel’s kingdom

By Sophie Armstrong NETBALL REPORTER DESPITE A DELAYED start and issues over warm-up facilities, Cardiff’s first VII managed a 41-35 victory over Brunel University.

A sluggish beginning to the first quarter saw Cardiff struggle to put points on the board, but eventually the team eased into their rhythm.

Cardiff managed a one-point advantage at the end of the quarter, a lead that they would not relinquish. A more assured second quarter from Cardiff, with Sophie Vaughan and Sam Lyons in inspirational form, saw the visitors extend their lead.

In the third quarter, Brunel altered their shooting circle and Cardiff relaxed, giving the home side a chance of a comeback. It wasn’t to be, however, as the Welsh team triumphed in the face of dubious umpiring decisions.

Captain Sophie Armstrong said after the match, "I’m very pleased with the result, as things we are working on in practice are showing on court."

SLAY GOLF HOPES

By Billy Hemstock GOLF REPORTER

Cardiff Ladies’ Lacrosse 14 Southampton Ladies’ Lacrosse 4

By Chris Allen SPORTS REPORTER HAVING THRASHED Bath last week, Cardiff came into this match full of confidence, and with Southampton having chalked-up a good win against UWIC last week, this promised to be a close game.

However, Cardiff comfortably took the points, winning by a convincing 14-4 scoreline. Sue Chandler and Francis Williams scored for Cardiff, grabbing four and three goals respectively, with the other strikes coming from Izzy Try, George Ewer, Vicky Peregrine (two) and Vicky Suitor.

On a blustery day at Llranrumney, it was Southampton who came out of the blocks quickest, with Cardiff having to soak up some early pressure, and survive a Southampton penalty miss inside the first few minutes.

However, it was the penalty miss that proved to be the spark for Cardiff’s first goal. Following the miss, a quick break down the left

gave Southampton no chance to get back, and when Izzy Try was found unmarked inside the area, she finished coolly to open Cardiff’s account.

Cardiff continued with some slick interplay, and turned their superior possession into goals, ending the first quarter 5-0 up.

Cardiff began the second quarter how they had finished the first, Fran Williams turning the Southampton defence inside out before firing past the stranded ‘keeper.

Southampton, however, showed grit and determination in piling pressure back onto Cardiff, and despite some tough tackling from the home defence, Southampton looked to have got themselves back in the match with two quickfire goals.

But, spurred on by a vocal crowd, Cardiff ensured they didn’t lose their grip on the match and made use of some good midfield possession to go into half-time leading 8-2.

Driving rain did not deter the Cardiff girls after half-time, and they soon began to add to their impressive total, Sue Chandler sneaking in round the back of the Southampton goal to make it 9-2.

A lack of any real movement from the Southampton players meant that even during good patches of possession, Cardiff’s solid defence never really looked in too much trouble. By the end of another good quarter, Cardiff had virtually put the nail in the Southampton coffin, taking an 112 lead into the closing stages.

The final period saw the home side continue to score freely, however they had to be thankful to their strong defence and goalkeeper, who took everything Southampton could throw at them in the dying moments.

This was by far Southampton’s best quarter, yet they were still well off the pace of a rampant Cardiff, who must now go into next week’s crunch match against UWIC full of confidence.

ANOTHER LOSS THIS week, at the hands of Surrey, means Cardiff must rapidly gather points for premiership survival.

Never having met before in a BUSA fixture, Cardiff strove for their first win against a Surrey side who gained an impressive draw against BUSA champions Exeter last week.

Likewise, with Surrey playing at home, few would disagree with them being the favourites for such a fixture.

After a grueling four-hour journey, the Cardiff team arrived at Surrey's home course, Farnham G.C., rather tired and disorganised. The course itself was a well-established parkland venue, requiring both accuracy and length off the tee.

First out for Cardiff was David Thomas who met Surrey and British Universities’ star player Colin Deeds.

The encounter started poorly with both players hooking their drives on the par-five first. Struggling to make the green in two, Thomas made a regulation five while Deeds chipped excellently before holing an eightfoot putt to secure a half. The match carried on very much in the same vein, Deeds only just edging clear with a classy birdie on the tenth. The Surrey man never looked back and went on to secure a win for his team.

The home side’s dominance was short-lived, as Rob Skornia and Billy Hemstock countered with a win apiece to push Cardiff into the lead.

However, Cardiff debutantes Ross Evans and Tim Knott then encountered some first-class opposition and unfortunately both lost 4-3, "I was playing someone with a handicap of two who plays four times a week", Knott commented after the match.

The fourth match, where Chris Orr represented Cardiff, also went in favour of Surrey 5-4. Leaving the match result 4-2 to Surrey.

BECAUSE WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU! In the first of a new series of opinion pieces, we hear from Ed Jones as he puts forward the men’s hockey fourths’ claim to be the best sports team in the university.

Disagree? Think your team is a more worthy candidate for the title? Email 400 words to grsport@hotmail.com

RARELY DOES A generation witness a force of such power that no mortal can bring to a halt. On these occasions, fate draws into the furnace of sporting legend a select band capable of outreaching their fellow man and touching hands with the gods.

For its glory and heroism, this union of men will be celebrated by history while transforming the future, setting new standards for human achievement.

Today, we are known modestly as Cardiff University Men’s Hockey 4th XI – the jewel atop Cardiff ’s sporting crown.

To make my case (that we are the pride of Cardiff), I would like to draw your attention to the stats.

‘The fours’ took maximum points in BUSA competition last year, while topping their Saturday league by 17 points, f inishing with a goal difference of +117.

League fixtures saw ‘the fours’ enjoy 27 wins in 28 games – an astonishing achievement.

Particularly memorable was the 6-0 drubbing of Gloucester seconds

who had recently beaten our third XI, with the Gloucester firsts having just beaten Cardiff first XI. It was a game we had no right to win. Even promotion couldn’t halt the rampage. Five wins from five this season tells a familiar tale.

Our commitment socially has been overwhelming. A closer team you could not find, with enduring friendships having been made by all.

Each year, the club rituals form terrific bonds between its members.

Initiation is a night enjoyed by all, especially the freshers. Whether sporting thongs, tights or nappies; gallivanting about the Cardiff night

collecting random items always proves a hit. Memorable f inds include brothel receipts, fridgefreezers and tramps.

Over the coming weeks there then follows the mandatory dirty pint for newcomers and other deserving characters.

The ‘kangaroo’ (involving half a Guinness topped up with shots and garnished with a double Bailey’s) is to be knocked back in front of a healthy crowd to the tune of the club song.

Quality of leadership has been a tremendous factor in the success of ‘the fours’. How fortunate we have been to compete under the tutelage

of Phil Moody, Christian Oliver and Mark Gabriel. They exist as the holy trinity of grass-roots hockey, and statues will no doubt be erected throughout Cardiff in their honour.

Through their humour and dedication, each established a highly entertaining and enjoyable climate for success. Each one of us that has played in recent times owes them a great deal.

Due to extended BUSA coverage, visit cardiffstudents.com for IMG netball results and all of next week’s football and netball fixtures

University Sport

November 1 2004

Page 37

grsport@hotmail.com

Sparrow soars to ruffle UWIC’S feathers

Cardiff 6 UWIC 0

By Gareth Owen Hockey Correspondemt ON A WIND AND rain swept Talybont pitch, Cardiff University bounced back from a shaky start to the season by inflicting an emphatic 6-0 defeat upon local rivals UWIC. Cardiff set out to play a high-tempo match, with midfield lynchpin John

Collis dominating the centre of the pitch. A flurry of early chances were wasted before striker Paul Hayes got the ball rolling with a reverse finish after good interplay involving fresher Nick Gough.

UWIC had their best period of the match just before half-time, but the Cardiff defence, well marshalled by skipper Tony Gough, held strong in

PHOTO: Adam Gossan the face of heavy pressure.

However, the half time score was 20 as Man of the Match Rob Sparrow made sure from close range.

The second half was a story of total domination as the Cardiff forwards set about pulling the UWIC defence apart with a series of set moves; Rob Sparrow netting his second of the game after being released by playmaker Duncan Courtney.

Cardiff kept pressing, looking for a fourth and were rewarded as Sparrow won a penalty flick and brushed himself off to convert it, coolly slotting under the keeper for his hat-trick.

UWIC morale was obviously low and Cardiff ’s superior fitness started to show as yet more attacks were thrown at the goal, the few counterattacks broken up easily by impressive fresher Tom Moore and centre-back

Gareth Owen, giving goalkeeper Adam French little to do.

Cardiff were rewarded for their continuing effort with Courtney notching with a well placed flick, having reacted first to a loose ball in the D. Nick Gough rounded off a happy day with a move straight off the training pitch, after a passing move involving almost all the Cardiff side.

Rees: My passion will get us through Aiming to make a splash In an exclusive interview, stand-in AU President Gary Rees speaks to John Stanton and answers the questions that students need answering Bearing in mind the AU are always keen to state that they’re one of the biggest in the UK, how do you realistically expect to be able to combine running the Union and the Athletic Union?

I do not envisage that my role as president will in anyway be compromised.

The main purpose of a sabbatical position is to ensure that students are represented in every decision made.

The additional hours that I put in, both in the week and on weekends, will ensure that students are not disadvantaged.

I think it’s very important to highlight that there are three highly capable and experienced staff working in the Athletic Union, along with an extremely dedicated AU Vice President, who are also ensuring that no student is disadvantaged.

If it proves that you are able to combine both jobs, surely that means the role of Athletic Union President is a luxury and therefore an unnecessary expense?

I would suggest that if I am able to combine both roles, then it would be a result of the passion I have for representing students and a testament to all

the hard work of the AU Vice and the staff involved with the work that the AU carries out.

Is there not a very real possibility that in running the Athletic Union in James’ absence, your ability to perform your current role will suffer?

I believe it is prudent to point out that the Athletic Union President’s role is not to run the AU but to ensure that students are represented and that it is run based on these views.

I do not believe that my ability to perform my role as president will be compromised.

The nature of the presidential role is that it is often necessary to be reactive to situations that arise and as a result, I am both able and prepared to adapt myself to ensuring that the direction of the Athletic Union is representative of students’ wishes.

Will someone else be involved in meetings of the IMG management group as you and James are both members of that group? There must be a need for a replacement to ensure such decision-making groups remain democratic and reflect all the views of those elect-

ed?

Should IMG disputes arise and a decision be needed, students will find themselves represented by College Vice Presidents, who constitutionally represent the needs of participation sport in the IMG. We now have both colleges represented as a result of the bi-election.

STANDING IN: Gary Rees

AU VICE’S COLUMN

By Fraser Watson AU Vice President INEVITABLY, IT HAS been impossible this week to escape the issue relating to the suspension of our

ON SATURDAY November 6, Cardiff University’s rapidly improving swim team will travel to the state-of-the-art, 50 metre swimming pool at Bath University to participate in the first round of the BUSA Team Championships.

Competing in the first division of the BUSA Championships is a great achievement for the club, who were promoted two years previously.

The prospect of facing Bath in their home pool is a challenge that does not faze swimming secretary Adam Rattenbury.

He insisted, "Morale within the team is very high, and we plan to build on last year’s success with both the experience of the team veterans and the energy and confidence of the freshers."

The combined club of swimming and waterpolo has had an incredible and very promising intake of freshers this

year, as Cardiff University’s Club of the Year signed up in excess of 150 keen new members at the Freshers’ Fair last month.

Rattenbury suggests that the team’s short-term aim is to consolidate its position in the first division, enabling them to build upon their achievements and go on to further success.

Club President Charlie Hinder is evidently proud of the swim team’s development.

He said, "In previous years, it has always been the waterpolo team who have achieved the more prolific success within BUSA, and it is fantastic to see how the hard work of the swimmers and the appointment of an ex-international swimmer as a coach are beginning to pay off."

After the gruelling challenge of the Team Championships, the club has only two weeks to prepare for the Short Course Championships, which will be held in Sheffield on the weekend of 19th and 20th November.

Athletic Union President James Cole.

On behalf of the Athletic Union, I'd like to assure all clubs that, on James’ behalf, we will continue to push forward the AU programme that he has put in place and will aim to continue his excellent work with all clubs until his return.

In terms of BUSA, congratulations to all teams who competed last Wednesday and helped provide the

University with one of its most successfull days for many a Wednesday, including a 'clean sweep' for all first teams at fortress Llanrumney.

There is a genuine buzz around many of the teams that this could be our most successful BUSA season yet.

Finally, a reminder that tickets are now on sale for the 'Night at Las Vegas' themed Christmas sports ball, to which all students are welcome.

By Olivia Waters Swimming Correspondent

BUSA Sport

November 1 2004

Page 39

grsport@hotmail.com

Men’s XV give Oxford blues

Lucas makes his Mark

Thrilling comeback seals second successive win

Cardiff AFC 1-0 Aber AFC

By Alex Cirus SPORTS REPORTER A GRITTY PERFORMANCE from Cardiff men’s first XI saw them kick off their BUSA campaign with a vital 1-0 victory against Aberystwyth, thanks to a crisp Mark Lucas strike.

With the game taking place in nearArctic conditions at Llanrumney, it was never likely to become a classic, which was evident in the slow start to the game.

Cardiff, however, soon got to grips with their opponents and almost took the lead in the 14th minute through Mark Lucas, but the left winger drilled the ball wide.

It was the kind of opportunity that he would not waste later in the match.

Lucas’s miss was then matched by Cardiff’s very own mercurial Frenchman Francois Dauba, who spurned a one-onone opportunity against the visiting ‘keeper.

Despite Cardiff’s superior ability on the ball, Aberystwyth could also have taken the lead early on with the only other noteworthy chance of the first half, as their forwards created a great opportunity which was skied over the bar.

With Aberystwyth’s tactics becoming aggressive, the referee tried to stamp his authority on the game with two bookings for the away team. He then proceeded to make a dire decision when Dauba went

through on goal once again, with only the ‘keeper to beat, only for the official to blow for half-time.

After the underwhelming first half, both teams came out fired-up and determined to open up the game, and the result was a much livelier affair with more chances for both teams.

James Cain and Toan Ravenscroft began to dominate the game in midfield for Cardiff, and Cain had a great opportunity for the home side, only to lose control of the ball when the goal was gaping.

However, Cardiff finally got the crucial goal after good work from Cain and Ravenscroft led to Mark Lucas unleashing a cracking left-footed strike into the back of the net.

Aberystwyth did not let their heads drop after the goal, and showed great character in creating all the best chances after Lucas’s strike. Cardiff were certainly lucky to not concede a goal in the last ten minutes with Aberystwyth missing two fantastic chances.

Cardiff held out during the tense finale to win and send Aberystwyth back to West Wales with a defeat.

The win was certainly welcome news to Cardiff’s captain, Simon Yates, who said, "It was a tough game, but I was always confident we would win. It was a great flowing move for the goal, and overall I’m very pleased."

By Ffion Atwell - Sports Reporter THE FIRST XV continued their BUSA campaign with a thrilling win over Oxford Greys, beating them 20-19.

However, the home side had their work cut out from the start after the visitor’s fly-half went over in the corner to claim the game’s first points 10 minutes in. He duly converted, leaving Cardiff 7-0 down.

Swirling winds and driving rain didn’t help the flow of the game, both teams struggling to clear their lines on several occasions. Despite the slippery conditions, the Cardiff pack piled on the pressure and were awarded a penalty after the Oxford flanker failed to keep his binding at the scrum. Fly-half Ed

Bradnock slotted it over, bringing Cardiff back into the game, 7-3.

The visitors exploited some sloppy tackling from the home side as the number ten collected a second try, taking them 12-3 ahead. Things went from bad to worse for Cardiff with the Oxford lock piling over in the corner to add another try. The try was converted but only after the referee controversially overruled the touch judges, leaving a mounting deficit for the home team, 19-3.

A dazzling run from Cardiff winger Jon Walder sent centre Iain Dick over to claim the team’s first try. The conversion from Bradnock left everything to play for, as Cardiff went into the interval trailing 19-10.

The second half saw a far more

CARDIFF LADIES’ RFC - 81 MEDICS LADIES’ RFC - 0

RAC 0-45 Men’s third XV from Fraser Watson, Nick Grant, Alex Pritchard, Andrew Cudd and Dave Lewis condemned them to a comprehensive defeat.

LEADING THE PACK: Cardiff ran home 81 unanswered points

By Sarah Bellingham Rugby Correspondent CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Ladies’ rugby team were formidable in a stunning victory over long-term rivals, the Medics, in their second BUSA win of the season.

Both teams began the first half aggressively, but the Medics’ spirit began to falter as the points stacked up against them. Tensions remained high throughout the game, due to the intense hostility between the teams.

Backs player of the match Mari Ropstad racked up 26 points alone, thanks to an impressive eight conversions and two tries, one of which came after an astonishing run from behind the halfway line.

Other players scoring two tries each were Beth Kenure, Rachel Merriman and Zoe Prytherch.

Throughout the match, Cardiff University’s Rhian Lane impressed in her new scrum-half berth, securing the ball and creating vital opportunities for her team-mates.

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

FOR THE SECOND successive week, Cardiff returned from the West Country with an away victory under their belts, after they comfortably dispatched of RAC last Wednesday.

The result never really appeared in doubt from the moment lock Ali Price received the ball from the kick-off and sped down the line to open the scoring inside a mere ten seconds. Shellshocked, the RAC never came back into the game after their early setback and further tries

aggressive display from the home side.

Early pressure saw centre Lawrence Price go over under the posts. The conversion from Bradnock saw the gap narrowed to just two points. Cardiff sustained the early pressure, dominating both the lineout and scrum.

Replacements added new vigour to the home team, eventually forcing another penalty in front of the posts.

Bradnock slotted it over with ease, Cardiff taking the lead for the first time, 20-19, deep into the second half.

Despite Oxford’s best attempts, the Cardiff defence held its shape. The visitors lost the ball in the final action of the game and the home team claimed a hard-earned victory.

Afterwards, captain Owain Griffiths

Cardiff leave sorry Medics trailing

Men’s thirds XV motor past RAC

By Fraser Watson Rugby correspondent

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

VITAL WIN: Cardiff beat Aber in belated BUSA kick--off

POWER PLAY: Oxford (in stripes) struggle to contain Cardiff’s forwards

The improvements in the side’s rucking and scrummaging since last week’s win over Bristol was a clear sign of the team’s growing confidence. The home side’s defensive line also proved impenetrable.

Captain Marina Newth was delighted with the team’s performance, "The girls were absolutely excellent, I was very proud of them. Matches against the Medics are always important due to the long-running rivalry, so to win by such a margin was a fantastic result."

Spor t DON’T PANIC gair rhydd

IMG FOOTBALL BEGINS IN TYPICAL FASHION SEE P35

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Ladies’ rugby record emphatic win over rivals Medics

SEE P39 See page 36

“Rarely does a generation witness a force of such power.”

AU President suspended but Union officials call for calm

BY John Stanton Sports Editor

PHOTO: Thom Airs BAD SIGN: In what direction will the AU go now?

BUSA BONANZA NET GAIN: Lacrosse eased home

THE ATHLETIC UNION faces an uncertain future after an alleged incident in Solus led to the suspension of President James Cole by the University.

The withdrawal of his student status means that Cole is forbidden from entering any university buildings, including the Students’ Union.

Under the Union’s constitution, the AU, one of the biggest in the UK, is currently under the control of Union President Gary Rees.

Rees maintains that the services offered to students will not be affected and Cole’s suspension does not pose a serious problem.

The reason for Cole’s prolonged absence was unexpectedly announced by Rees at Athletic Union Council, to the audible shock of those present. gair rhydd has learnt of student concerns that AU standards might drop and that the solid foundations already established by this year’s AU team might be compromised.

Rees has moved to allay such fears and issued a reassurance that the AU will continue to operate as normal.

He commented, "James’ manifesto is what the student body

BY THOM AIRS elected him to SPORTS EDITOR carry out and as such I will be CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S premier working to ensure sports teams sidelined the drama in that the good work the AU on Wednesday by recording a that James has string of fine victories. done is continued, A bumper crop of matches at and that the aims Llanrumney yielded wins for all of the of his manifesto university’s first teams. The ladies’ rugby are achieved." team beat the Medics by a stunning 81 See p37 for an point margin, while their male interview with counterparts fought back against Oxford Gary Rees Greys to claim a 20-19 victory.

Other triumphs included a win for lacrosse, men’s AFC firsts, women’s AFC and men’s rugby thirds.

The day of good results was not confined to the pitches of Llanrumney as both netball and men’s hockey firsts chalked-up wins at Talybont.

Full reports inside.

SURE-FOOTED: Men’s AFC gained three points

Maximum points all round for first teams at Llanrumney

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