gair rhydd - Issue 774

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

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“PROFESSIONALISM IS... AND THAT’S WHAT I WANT” Why bad bosses spell gloom for casual-job students

DUCK FF COMPETITIONS P19

JOBS AND MONEY P16

Union launches plans for anti-fees demo

By Will Talmage and Matt Wilkin Reporters PLANS HAVE been unveiled for the largest student demonstration in Cardiff’s history when an anti top-up fees protest will sweep through the city on December 2.

The march – a joint campaign between Cardiff Students’ Union and the National Union of Students (NUS) – is an attempt to stop top-up fees being introduced in Wales.

The Union’s Campaign and PR Officer, Tom Gough, has branded the day "Duck Off" which will culminate in a special evening in Solus at the end of the march – a form of acknowledging students’ participation in the event.

Gough told gair rhydd he is hopeful of a large turnout on the day He said: "Cardiff University’s involvement in the protest is paramount in displaying the strength of support against the introduction of top-up fees in Wales.

"It is our aim to bring Cardiff students together in what we hope will be a positive and fun day."

He added that students will not be disadvantaged if

FREE

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

gair

ISSUE 774. November 8 2004

they miss lectures to go on the march.

The National Assembly for Wales has already commented that the proposed top-up fees are "in principle, wrong".

The NUS hopes that following the demonstration, the Assembly will completely reject the plans to introduce variable tuition fees.

NUS President Kat Fletcher responded to the Assembly’s comments by saying: “This is testament to the hard work of the NUS and NUS Wales, in particular.

“I have received extremely positive feedback from students across the UK who are looking forward to the march in Cardiff and I am sure it will be a fantastic success.”

As in previous years students from all over Britain will be attending the event. Beccy Lawrence, President of Coventry University Students’ Union, is supporting the demo by bringing two coach loads to Cardiff.

She told gair rhydd: “Even though many [students] have resigned themselves to the prospect of top-up fees in England, we continue to be flat aginst top-ups.”

GOLDEN SHOWER: Gary Rees and Tom Gough show off the ducks

News

Page 2

November 8 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance November 8 2004 1 News 7 Taf-Od 9 Geordie 10 Ed&Op 13 Science 14 Letters 16 Jobs and Money 19 Competitions 20 Media 22 Five Minute Fun 23 Television 32 Listings 35 Problem Page 36 Sport EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Ken Griffin, Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Amy Mackelden NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION TV Willy, TV John, TV Katie, TV Manners LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill FIVE MINUTE FUN Sarah Bayes HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, AJ Silvers PROOF READERS

UN-FEES-ABLE

By Gary Andrews and Dave Doyle Reporters

THE BATTLE to stop Welsh universities charging top-up fees has been given a boost after the Assembly said the practice was, “in principle, wrong”.

The Liberal Democrat amendment to the motion was passed last Tuesday by 31 votes to 27.

This resolution will give hope to NUS that the Welsh Assembly will reject the idea of top-up fees completely.

“This is a very important stand that they are taking against Westminster.”

NUS Wales President James Knight called the motion a “positive step” and evidence that Welsh AMs were taking the matter seriously.

Speaking to gair rhydd, Knight

said: “This is a very important stand that they are taking against Westminster.

“It is my personal belief that, if Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland all reject variable student tuition fees, then this will put pressure on the government to reconsider its position.”

His sentiments were echoed by Cardiff University Students’ Union President Gary Rees who said: “It appears that the Assembly members are displaying some form of commitment to making higher education a priority.”

But Professor Teresa Rees, chair of the Rees Review, has criticised the decision saying: “Variable fees are not wrong, the issue is how institutions use top-up fees.”

The Rees Review is an independent review commissioned by the Welsh Assembly to examine the outcomes of introducing variable top-up fees.

Professor Rees went on to say that variable MORGAN:

their national demonstration in Cardiff on December 2 and, with Students’ Unions across the UK pledging to travel to the Welsh capital, it already looks like this will be the largest student protest Wales has seen.

Cardiff University Students’ Union has now launched the Duck Off Fees campaign aimed at getting students out on the street to protest against fees.

But, despite this double-pronged attack, Assembly Education Minister Jane Davies refused to be drawn on any decision on the future fee regime in Wales.

She said the assembly government’s commitment not to introduce top-up fees during its current term, which expires in April 2007, still stood.

In a statement released later she said that the assembly government would consider the implications of the motion.

She added: “In considering those recommendations and bringing proposals forward, we will need to take account of the needs of students and of institutions and, of course, have regard to the view of this assembly.”

Beeb-bop not rock-steady

By Zoe Baldock Reporter

THE FUTURE of Welsh broadcasting is in question following reports last week of impending job cuts in the BBC. Reports leaked concerning new Director General Mark Thompson’s plans for the BBC suggest that up to a quarter of their 28,000 UK workforce, around 1,200 of whom work in Wales, could face redundancy.

Sources have suggested that some jobs may be relocated from London to other centres such as Manchester, Birmingham and Bristol, but there has been no mention of Cardiff in the speculation.

Former BBC executive and Rhondda Labour AM, Leighton Andrews, has said: “The worry is that there will be fewer programmes about Welsh life, culture, history and politics, and less programmes made in Wales for the UK network.”

Katherine Mallam, Carly Sharples, Ailsa Chalk, Hannah Perry CONTRIBUTORS

Matt Wilkin, Zoe Baldock, Dan Ridler, Nadia Sam-Dalir, Sophie Robehmed, Cara Lee, Molly Forbes, Ifan Morgan Jones, Rhiannon Holly, James Emtage, Bethany Whiteside, Andrew Rennison, Emma Wilkins, Rachel Howells, Andrew Mickel, Daniel Stanton, Kerry-lynne Dolye, Chloe Heywood, Chris Matthews, Marielle Smith, Mario Raymond Gerard, Farah Ahmed, Ben James, Rosanne White, Will Conaghan, Sarah Poole, Lizzie Henden, Christopher Hopper, Ed Jones, Amy Miskell, Amy Davies, Gerath Owen, Thomas Martin, Sarah Bellingham, Ellie Beattie, Frances Williams, Matt Ramsden, Charlotte Harries, Gareth Evans, Tim Lewis, Alex Cinus, Nick Parnell, Adam Gossan, Charlie Palmer

The establishment of the National Assembly in 1999 and broadcasters’ subsequent investments in Wales, represented a leap forward in terms of Wales’s standing as a nation rather than a constituent part of the UK. Andrews commented that: “we are now starting to see these gains reversed.”

Lecturer at Cardiff University School of Welsh, Dylan Foster Evans, said that the BBC already confuses the issue of national identity: “Wales Today always refers to Cardiff as ‘the nation’s capital’, while when the BBC in London say, for instance, ‘the nation is in mourning’, they mean the UK.” Foster Evans went on to say: “For Welsh-speakers, there is also S4C.

However, it should be remembered that the BBC is a key producer of Welsh-language programmes for S4C.” It remains to be seen what effects these proposed cutbacks will actually have on Welsh programming. A BBC insider has said “it’s a question of wait and see.”

BBC WALES: uncertain future?

It’s good to talk

By Dave Doyle News Editor

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

fees would “make opportunities for students to study where ever they want.”

This conflicts with concerns that top-up fees will narrow access rather than widen it.

Professor Rees has questionned the alternative, however, asking: “If we don’t recommend top-up fees where does the money come from?”

The review hopes to answer this question by sending a letter asking students their opinion.

The Assembly awaits the results of the investigation before making any further decisions.

In the mean time the motion will put further pressure on First Minister R h o d r i M o r g a n ’s decision on whether or not to implement top-up fees in Wales.

NUS have already scheduled under pressure

Cardiff students dressed in an Elvis theme to launch Kingsmill’s new ‘Toastie’ loaf. The students handed out free loaves of the product and toasted sandwiches at Cardiff Students’ Union last Tuesday.

A CLOSER working relationship between Cardiff University and the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama is being explored after talks were announced last Tuesday.

The discussions intend to research how the two institutions’ resources can be most effectively used to benefit staff and students.

Edmond Fivet, Principal of RWCMD, and Cardiff University Vice-Chancellor David Grant have said: “We are geographically close and share many common values,

both pursuing excellence in all that we do. We are confident we can identify a way forward that will be mutually beneficial.”

In light of the recent merger with the former UWCM students may speculate that a similar deal could emerge. A spokesperson for the university said: “We haven’t ruled out any options.”

RWCMD have denied the possibility of a merger though. Nick Beasley, Director of External Relations, said: “We complement each other in many respects, but that’s not the kind of relationship we’re talking about.”

News

November 8 2004

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

By Matt Wilkin Reporter THE HAYES came to a brief standstill last week as a new band visited Cardiff, raising funds for the Big Issue.

Hosted by Spillers Records, Blackbud’s busking session drew a respectable crowd prior to their headline gig at Barfly last Thursday.

Blackbud – Joe Taylor on guitar, Adam Newton on bass and Sam Nedal on percussion – have just been signed by Independiente, the UK’s largest inde-

Photo: A J Silvers

Bigging up the issue pendent label and home to Travis, Embrace and Paul Weller.

The band are currently playing a number of charity gigs in between recording sessions for their yet untitled forthcoming debut album. The year has also seen them perform to a capacity crowd at Glastonbury.

Blackbud’s publicist, Lulu Newton, explained that their choice to busk in aid of the Big Issue was a personal choice.

She told gair rhydd: "We approached the Big Issue with the idea, and the band were pleased to be supporting such a great cause."

BLACKBUD: coming up from the street

By Dan Ridler Reporter WEAPONS MANUFACTURER Rolls-Royce found their recruitment drive hijacked by student protestors at last week’s careers’ fair.

The luxury car-makers were targeted by members of the People and Planet Society who claimed they had an "unethical" arms selling policy.

The students appeared outside the Great Hall on Tuesday with placards accusing Rolls-Royce of being "a driving force in global conflict" and encouraging students to "make an informed decision" and " think twice before [working] for Rolls-Royce."

The basis of their argument relates to Rolls-Royces’ position as the second largest arms manufacturer in the UK. The protestors allege the company provides aero engines to over 100

armed forces across the world which they claim includes regimes with poor human rights records such as China and Indonesia.

There have also been calls for a disassociation of Cardiff University Students’ Union from Rolls-Royce, who currently provide sizeable funding to the Athletics Union by underwriting the cost of the Sports Ball and providing a number of other services.

The protests came the day after Ethics and Environmental Officer Joao Martins submitted a draft motion to Student Council calling for the union to increase awareness of ethical policy and only to deal with companies meeting set standards.

While those in favor of the motion claimed that it was important for Cardiff students to be informed about the morality of future employers, it was unclear on the potential impact it could have on Athletic Union sponsorship.

Although no final decision was reached Martins promised to bring the issue back to the fore at the next meeting.

This is not the first time that RollsRoyce has come under fire. In the past Christian Aid has accused them of "fuelling humanitarian crises involving the mass displacement of millions".

But Rolls-Royce strongly denies any unethical behavior, with a spokesperson insisting: "We do not manufacture weapons. We do manufacture propulsion systems for military aircraft and naval vessels.

"We operate fully within export control regimes applied by the governments of the countries in which we have manufacturing operations.

Defence equipment makes up around 25 per cent of our sales: the rest is accounted for by sales to the civil aerospace, marine and energy marPEOPLE AND PLANET: Up in arms kets, plus aftermarket services."

Photo: James Yeoward

Rolls Royce: beneath the shiny exterior

News

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November 8 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Replay ejected Thursday night in Solus axed due to low attendance

By Cara Lee Reporter

REPLAY: Nowhere to be seen among the union ads

FRAUD FOCUS

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter A GROWING number of students are lying their way into university, a recent study by UCAS has revealed.

According to UK authorities, a record number of students have been caught red-handed making false applications to universities nationwide.

The Universities and Colleges Admissions Service (UCAS), has reported 1,000 fake qualifications for 2004 entry to university. This number is more than twice the usual number.

Recently the majority of bogus submissions have originated from the UK but in 2004 the cancelled applications included two groups of 200 submitted by individuals from both China and Pakistan.

All 480,000 or so applications that UCAS receive every year is scrutinised for indications of fraud, such as a surge of people providing the same home address.

Both British and overseas

students who apply for university several years after completing their ‘A’ levels or Highers, must produce their exam certificates once they have arrived at university. But checks differ, with grades not always being verified with examination boards.

It was reported that the normal number of cancellations in a year was thought to be about 400 in total.

A spokeswoman for the student service said: "UCAS does not make any admission decisions; this is purely the responsibility of the relevant university or college.

“However, in some cases, a university or college may inform UCAS of concerns and we will investigate the applications further.

If there is clear evidence of fraud the applications will be cancelled."

She added it was crucial to "ensure that each case is dealt with in the appropriate manner".

The chairman of the Commons education select committee, Barry Sheerman, has called for an investigation. This proposal was supported by both the Conservative

Party and the British Council, which promotes the country’s interest abroad.

Oxford Brookes University launched an investigation into forged applications which resulted in 11 students being expelled.

Professor Graham Upton, the vice-chancellor, said: "This is a normal part of our admissions process, which means that unless proof of qualification is forthcoming, students are excluded."

He added: "We maintain rigour at all times in our admissions process for all students, including those applying from overseas. In the case of international students this process is particularly rigorous because they are also required to comply with visa regulations, which includes evidence that they have a university place and the funds to complete their course, including any living expenses."

Birmingham University have also revealed that they have expelled a number of students after an investigation showed that student fraudsters had targeted the institution.

REPLAY, the Union’s Thursday night event, has been postponed due to a fall in ticket sales.

Despite an immensely successful launch during Fresher’s Week, the demand for Replay quickly fell.

Whilst 1,400 tickets were sold for the first night, on the 30th of September, just a week later only 200 students showed up.

Replay, a night that the union describes as “a throwback to the halcyon days of the 80s and 90s”, has been widely advertised and offers drinks deals such as Screamers and Twisters for £1. Yet, this still failed to attract students.

James Green, the Union Secretary, stated that due to the lack of demand for the night, it could not sustain a weekly slot in Solus.

Instead, Replay will now take place on occasional nights throughout the year.

He said: “Current student demand seems to indicate that live music acts will be more popular in Solus than an 80s and 90s night, such as Replay, at this time.”

The Entertainments Manager of the Union, Josh Westaway, confirmed that more credible acts, such as Roni Size and Mr Scruff, would now use Solus on Thursday nights.

He declared that the Union aims to provide as much diversity for students as possible.

He added that while events such as live music acts may not necessarily make as much money as some of the other nights at the Union, they would serve to provide a wider variety of entertainment for students.

Nursing a grievance

By Molly Forbes Reporter LAST MINUTE changes to a nursing course mean that some students could miss out on the degree they were hoping for.

Third year nursing students found out on Monday that the marks from their second year now count towards forty per cent of their overall mark.

This was not the case last year, as they were told that only their third year marks determined their final degree classification.

The decision has left many students outraged. One student, who wishes to remain anonymous, said she was not alone in feeling this new decision is unfair.

She said: “Because this is a new course we have already had a lot of hassle and been treated like guinea pigs. This new decision is the latest example of the registry changing the goal-posts of our course. What makes it worse is the fact that we can’t do anything about it. They have made their decision without even consulting the students and we just have to accept it.”

But this is not the only change that has been made to the course.

Students were also informed by the Director of Nursing that the deadline to their final piece of work has now been moved forward eight weeks. The work is a reflective account that is meant to be based upon twelve weeks of work experience.

But now students will have to base their account on only four weeks of placement experience, putting them

at a clear disadvantage.

The new deadline means some branches of the nursing course must hand in their dissertation at the same time as the reflective account.

Students were also told that their ten-thousand-word dissertation now counts for less than it did before.

The new rules have left many students frustrated. A student on the mental health branch of the course, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that he and his fellow students were “very unhappy” with the changes.

“The board have continuously changed the course over the three years to suit themselves, with no regard for the students.

“We have just completed a module in practises of management and were taught that research shows managers should consult staff before making changes. They are simply not practising what they preach.

Now we are under increased pressure which could affect our final marks which in turn could affect our chances of employment. This whole experience has put me off doing a further degree,” he said.

Both of the students gair rhydd spoke to felt that “no real reasons were given” for the changes to the course.

“The general feeling of the students is that these changes are mainly for the convenience of those marking the work of the students,” they said.

“We haven’t been given any specific reasons other than this,” said the third year nurse who specialises in mental health.

November 8 2004

News

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

OXFORD STUDENTS SUSPENDED FOR GOOD JOURNALISM

By Nadia Sam-Dalir Reporter TWO STUDENT journalists from Oxford University have been suspended for hacking into the University’s IT system.

Partick Foster and Roger Waite were working on an investigation for the Oxford Student when they exposed the flaws in the network.

The pair are appealing against the judgement made by Oxford’s Court of Summary Jurisdiction.

Foster, who is now editor of the paper, said: "I feel the punishment handed down by the Court is entirely disproportionate to any wrongdoings we may have committed."

Foster, 20, is suspended from the University until the start of summer term in May 2005.

This practice is traditionally known as rustication and is the harshest form of punishment the court could impose.

The court, which is made up of three judges, said that the actions of the two students had been "an attack on the University."

Foster and Waite had downloaded a programme from Google, which they said was readily available to any

computer user.

They were subsequently able to view live closed circuit material and access information about students’ computer use.

The students then handed their finding over to University officials before printing the story.

At the hearing, Patrick Foster admitted to all seven charges against him. These included using University facilities for unlawful activity, gaining unauthorised access, violating user’s privacy and wasting staff time by engaging them in activity unrelated to study.

Roger Waite pleaded guilty to four charges, including conspiring to breach the IT network in regards to their CCTV sur-

veillance.

The punishments placed on the pair have caused outcry in the student community, especially from their journalist colleagues.

They point to the fact that Foster and Waite presented their findings to the University as evidence that the acts were not committed with malice.

When asked to comment, a spokeswoman for the University said: "We do

not discuss details of individual cases.

Any student found to have breached University regulations on computer use would face disciplinary action."

But Foster is appealing against the judgement claiming it is completely inappropriate. He said: “The Proctors, who play the role of University police force, recommended to the court that I be fined £150 and Roger Waite be fined £120.”

THE BORED STUDENT: gargoyle at Oxford University

World News

Page 6

November 8 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

BUSH WINS THE DIVIDE

By Andrew Rennison Reporter LAST WEDNESDAY saw the reelection of President George W Bush following one of the tightest elections in American history.

Bush sealed a narrow victory by 286 electoral votes to John Kerry’s 252, acquiring a sizeable majority of the popular vote.

The two crucial swing states of Florida and Ohio decided the final result in an election where only a handful of states switched their allegiances from four years earlier.

Florida saw Bush achieve an impressive victory, despite an exceptionally high voter turnout that was thought could favour the Democrats.

Ohio’s ballot system failed to cope with similarly large numbers and it was not until early morning local time that a provisional result was

announced, handing the state to Bush.

Several thousand absentee, overseas and provisional ballots were still to be counted in Ohio at the time of the announcement, but the principal votes gave the incumbent an almost unassailable lead of around 150,000, rendering those remaining ballots virtually irrelevant. Kerry thus conceded defeat at around midday local time on Wednesday.

Floridian officials breathed a sigh of relief as there was no repeat of the fiasco in 2000; ironically the much criticised punch-hole voting system at the centre of the furore four years ago had been replaced in Florida, yet remained as the method used in Ohio.

Political commentators have criticised this failure to learn the lessons of 2000; many in Ohio endured lengthy queues due to inadequate polling facilities, with the BBC’s Philippa Thomas relaying reports of a five hour wait at one college station, nearly an hour after polls had closed.

O t h e r accounts include as little as half the set number of booths being provided at

TOGETHER AGAIN: Dick Cheney and George W Bush return

REPUBLICANS: get ready for the next four years some polling stations.

Despite the improvement on four years earlier, the degree of chaos has left many wondering how the world’s most powerful democracy can underestimate and mishandle its elections, despite clear forewarnings of large turnouts.

In what some are labelling a triumph for democracy, Americans voted in droves last Tuesday – around 60 percent of those eligible compared with roughly 50 percent in 2000. This may signal the demise of the political apathy that has been prevalent in the US for some time.

More cynically-minded pundits are citing the unprecedented level of campaigning over the past few weeks as the reason for the impressive turnout.

Both candidates knew that the election was finely balanced, and , according to the Sacramento Bee, over $600 mil-

America likes him, but does anyone else?

By Paul Dicken News Editor THIS YEAR’S US elections have been described as revealing a deep political divide in America.

With Bush’s radical and forceful international policy, there is a far less divided reaction from around the world.

From the majority of political leaders the response to the American result was a diplomatic reaffirming and consolidation of relations across borders.

Tony Blair highlighted the “special significance” of the result for Britain.

He described the link between the two countries as a “unique bond”, stressing that the need to revitalise the peace process in the Middle East was

the political challenge that was most important.

In France the sense of repairing transatlantic relations was emphasised in statements from the French foreign minister, and from the German government who hoped Bush’s second term would see a better relationship between the EU and America.

Israel was uniformly supportive of a Bush return. A Palestinian aide to Yasser Arafat stressed the need for the implementation of the ‘road map’ for peace, although the Palestinian envoy to Paris told The Guardian she was worried because Bush had conducted a “policy of war”.

Perhaps the most controversial responses came from Kenya’s VicePresident, who told the BBC that he expected to see “more dictatorship on

an international scale.” Also, comments from a Muslim leader in Indonesia described Bush’s presidency as making a mess of the whole world.

Bizarrely, the Venezuelan foreign minister described his country’s relationship with America to be like dancing the tango, and that a second Bush term would not change that.

Back at home for Bush, the papers, on the whole, looked towards unity, a revival of democracy and a getting behind a president strong on terror.

Other editorials hoped for a reversal of some of the policies that had alienated America from other countries.

Here, headlines printed more ominous announcements, epecially The Mirror who asked how 59,017,382 people could be so dumb.

lion was spent between the two Presidential campaigns – twice the expenditure of the 2000 campaigns.

Above all, this election has proved for the second time in a row just how divided a nation the United States has become.

That a country can go through an economic slump, two foreign wars and a major terrorist attack, yet remain almost completely steadfast in its views and allegiances is perhaps testament to the severe polarisation that exists in America today.

President Bush must bridge this division during his second term if the US intends to function as a cohesive unit. The issue carries international significance, as an America at war with itself is arguably unfit to lead the developed world amongst the current politically unstable environment.

BUSH

51%

KERRY 120

48%

million voters

Europe signs itself a constitution

By Paul Dicken News Editor EUROPE HAS signed up to its new constitution. The new EU proposols were signed in Rome in exactly the same place that witnessed the 1967 signing of the treaty that established the EU. Manuel Barroso, the new head of the EU Commission, said that the con-

stitution would create a “more democratic union”.

Despite the constitution being signed, it needs to be ratified by each member nation. This will be done, either by a referendum or a parliamentary vote.

The countries holding referendums that are open to public vote will be: the Czech Republic, Denmark, France, Ireland, Luxembourg, the

Netherlands, Spain, Portugal and the UK. The first of these votes is due to occur in Spain during February.

Jack Straw said that the UK would hold a referendum early in 2006 if the Labour party was voted in for a third term in office. The UK is still sceptical about the EU, while the outcome of the French vote is also an uncertain prospect.

Michael Howard has complained

that the constitution would make the problems of Europe’s economic competitiveness worse.

But the government insists that it has protected key issues like defence, foreign policy, taxation and immigration. The constitution’s main aim is to make the current rules more applicable to the size of the EU, now 25 members. In basic terms it sets out clearly what the EU can and cannot do.

World News Round-up

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter CONTROVERSY SURROUNDS the nature and seriousness of Yasser Arafat’s illness amid reports that he has lapsed into a coma.

He was recently ushered into a military hospital on the outskirts of Paris and has been receiving treatment there for the past week. A senior Palestinian official has stated that Arafat has indeed fallen into a coma and is unconscious.

However, his aides have been keen to stress that he is not in a critical condition, and no major set-back has occurred. The illness appears to be a still-unexplained digestive and blood disorder, although Israeli reports have explored a range of diagnoses from viral infection to stomach cancer.

Fears exist that missing evidence may foil the Saddam prosecution as his trial and that of other senior Iraqi officials gets ever closer. A report by Human Rights Watch has stated that US-led forces failed to safeguard necessary official documents and remains of corpses in mass graces.

Sarah Leah Whitson, executive director of the Middle East and North Africa division of Human Rights Watch has stated: "Given what’s at stake here, the extent of this negligence is alarming."

Elections THE KEY issue of the week: in Afghanistan, elections are still under debate as chief rivals to President Karzai have conceded defeat.

The US backed interim leader has been declared the winner. Despite accusations of fraud, Yunus Qanooni, who finished second has accepted the result of the October 9 ballot. At a news conference, he stated "For me, Afghanistan’s national interests are the most important. If we didn’t accept the result, the country would go toward a crisis."

This follows his insistence that Karzai owes his victory to "wellorganised" fraud. An independent panel were called in to investigate after the majority of Karzai’s 17 challengers threatened not to acknowledge the results.

Ivory coast bombing HOSTILITY HAS been renewed in the Ivory Coast as Government warplanes bombed a rebel military camp in the north of the country.

The incident threatens a renewal of large-scale conflict as rebel military commander Cherif Ousmane told The Associated Press: "We’ve just been bombed. The war has started again."

Since September 2002, the country had been divided into government-held south and rebel-controlled north, when a coup attempt heralded war. Under pressure from former colonial powers a peace deal was negotiated in 2003, this now appears to be increasingly threatened.

Manuel Barroso, President of the EU Commission, has decided to reselect his commission after the controversy surrounding the Italian candidate Rocco Buttiglione.

Taf-Od

8 Tachwedd 2004

Tud 7

grwelsh@cf.ac.uk

BBC a ITV mewn ymgais i dorri allan rhagleni Cymreig

Gan Ifan Morgan Jones Gohebydd Taf-Od MAE OFNAU newydd fod rhaglenni wedi eu creu yng Nghymru yn mynd i ddiflannu dros y blynyddoedd nesaf wrth i BBC Cymru a ITV1 Cymru ddangos arwyddion o dorri lawr ar ei cynyrch lleol.

Mi ddatguddiwyd mewn adroddiad newydd y gall bron i chwarter o lafurlu Prydain y BBC gael eu torri ymaith fel rhan o becyn economi wedi’ hyrwyddo gan Mark Thompson, cyfwrwyddwr cyffredinol y BBC. Mae’n debyg bod y newidiadau yn y BBC yn dod ar gefn cwyno pellach nad yw’r cwmni darlledu yn cyfiawnhau derbyniad y BBC o gyllid cyhoeddus.

Ar y funud mae’r BBC wedi ei sefydlu’n gyfansoddiadol gan y

Siarter Brenhinol. Mae Cytundeb yn ei gyfeilio sy’n adnabod ei annibyniaeth olygol ac yn trefnu ei oblygiadau cyhoeddus mewn manylder.

Mae’r Siarter Brenhinol a’r Cytundeb cyfoes yn dyddio o 1996 ac yn gorffen yn 2006. Nod Mr Thompson yw gwneud y cwmni mor ddiwastraff â phosib mewn paratoad i adnewyddiad ei siarter yn 2006, fel bod y BBC yn cael aros yn wasanaeth cyhoeddus sy’n derbyn cyllid cyhoeddus.

Er nad oes unrhyw fanylion pendant am y toriadau posib i nifer y swyddi wedi ei datgan, mae gweithwyr wedi eu rhybuddio fod diswyddo posib gerllaw. Mi gafodd staff BBC Cymru eu cyfarch gan Pat Loughrey, cyfarwyddwr rhanbarthau a chenhedlai BBC Prydain, ond nid oedd yn medru sicrhau nad oedd diswyddo ar y gweill.

Mewn datganiad meddai llefarydd ar ran y BBC Cymru: “Mae unrhyw ddyfalu am golled swyddi yn ddyfaliad pur - does dim ffigyrau swyddogol wedi eu crybwyll. Bydd rhaid i ni ddisgwyl a gweld pa oblygiadau sy’n codi allan o’r adolygiadau.”

Meddai Leighton Andrews, aelod y cynulliad Llafur o Rondda: “Y pryder

yw y bydd llai o raglenni am fywyd Cymreig, diwylliant, hanes a gwleidyddiaeth, a llai o raglenni wedi eu creu yng Nghymru i rwydweithiau Prydain.”

Yn y cyfamser mae OfCom wedi datgan bod cwmnïau ITV yn Lloegr yn rhydd i dorri ei allbwn lleol gan un awr a hanner bob wythnos, gan anogaeth ofnau am raddio nôl tebyg yng Nghymru. Roedd adolygiad ystatud Ofcom o ddarlledu gwasanaeth cyhoeddus a gafodd ei gyhoeddi ym Mai 2004 yn caniatáu: “ITV… (i ddechrau) gostyngiad arfaethedig cychwynnol mewn, ac yna ciliad graddol o, ymrwymiadau dinewyddion rhanbarthol.”

Ond mae nifer yn teimlo y dylai OfCom fod yn gwneud mwy i .warchod rhaglenni Cymreig a Chymraeg yn y blynyddoedd cyn i’r teledu fynd yn hollol ddigidol yn 2012.

Mae Plaid Cymru wedi ymateb i’r newyddion gan ei alw’n “warth”.

Dywedodd yr aelod o’r cynulliad Leanne Wood fod datganiad OfCom yn rhoi caniatâd i ITV ddechrau torri nôl yn enfawr ar eu cynnyrch lleol.

Meddai Simon Thomas, AS i Blaid Cymru: “Mae’r adroddiad yn achosi pryder mawr nid yn unig i’r cannoedd

o weithwyr yn ITV1 Cymru, gyda’i swyddi nawr yn ymddangos mewn perygl, ond hefyd dyfodol darlledu Gymreig. Mae ITV1 Cymru yn wneud cyfraniad gwerthfawr tu hwnt i ddarlledu yn yr iaith gymraeg a’r iaith saesneg yng Nghymru, ac mi fysai ei farwolaeth yn drasiedi i’r genedl.”

Meddai Leighton Andrews ei bod hi’n “poeni am y posibilrwydd ein bod ni am golli rhaglenni ITV1 Cymru yn gyfangwbwl dros y degawd nesaf. Mae angen cystadleuydd cryf i’r BBC, a dim ond ITV sy’n medru darparu hynny.”

Mewn datganiad meddai ITV: “Cynigion yw’r rhain - mi fydd ymgynghoriad dros y ddeufis nesaf. Mae adroddiad OfCom yn datgan y bysai ITV yn medru lleihau ei allbwn o awr a hanner yn rhanbarthau Lloegr, ond does dim ffigwr i Gymru na’r Alban.”

Problemau yn y Pafiliwn Gan Rhiannon Holley Gohebydd Taf-Od NID YW’R ffaith fod yr eisteddfod genedlaethol yn dioddef problemau ariannol yn gyfrinach yng Nghymru.

Ar y degfed ar hugain o Hydref 2004 penderfynodd pennaeth diwylliant Cynulliad Cenedlaethol Cymru, Alun Pugh rhoi grant ychwanegol o £160,000 i’r Eisteddfod Genedlaethol.

Mae’r Eisteddfod yn derbyn grant blynyddol o £360,000 gan Cynulliad Cenedlaethol Cymru. Er fod yr Eisteddfod wedi derbyn grant ychwanegol nid yw hyn yn ddigon i rhedeg yr Eisteddfod gan fod dyledion yn tyfu bob blwyddyn. Felly er fod y newyddion yn dda nid yw hyn yn unigol yn mynd i achub cyflwr arian-

nol yr Eisteddfod.

Mae Dr R Alun Evans yn pwysleisio’r sefyllfa ariannol trwy gofyn am unrhyw rhoddion: “Oherwydd yr argyfwng ariannol gwirioneddol yr ydym yn awr ynddi gofynnwn i holl garedigion Eisteddfod Genedlaethol Cymru ein cynorthwyo i sicrhau dyfodol yr wyl.”

Gwelwyd yr Eisteddfod yn digwyddiad bwysig i ariannu oherwydd mae’n wyl diwylliannol sy’n digwydd mewn iaith lleiafrif. Mae’r Eisteddfod yn bwysig oherwydd mae’n siawns i ddod a’r Cymry at ei gilydd i ddathlu’r iaith a doniau arbennig y boblogaeth.

Yn ychwanegol i hyn er fod yr Eisteddfod yn gwneud colled ar y cyfan mae’n hysbysebu’r tref sy’n cynnal y digwyddiad, ac felly yn newyddion da i’r economi lleol.

Rhaid cofio er fod yr Eisteddfod yn digwyddiad mawr sydd ar yr arwyneb yn edrych yn llwyddiant mae yna costau rhedeg a chostau gweithwyr i dalu.

Mae’r Eisteddfod Genedlaethol yn digwyddiad hanesyddol ac blynyddol sy’n mynd yn ôl i’r degfed ganrif lle

Beirdd yr Eisteddfod

rhoddodd Hywel Dda cadair o anrhydedd i fardd yn ei gwrt.

Digwyddodd yr Eisteddfod gyntaf fel y gwyddwn heddiw yn 1861 yn Aberdare.

Pob blwyddyn bydd yr Eisteddfod yn teithio i wahanol rhan o Gymru er mwyn dathlu’r iaith Gymraeg ac i gyflwyno nifer o ddiwylliannau ar draws y byd.

Gyda’r iaith Gymraeg yn gyflym dirywio anelwyd yr Eisteddfod at cyhoeddi’r iaith trwy uno pobl o wahanol rhannau o Gymru.

Gwelwyd yr Eisteddfod yn digwyddiad bwysig i nifer o Gymry, er mwyn cadw’r traddodiad a’r diwylliant yn fyw.

Rheswm arall dros rhoi’r help ariannol yw i geisio denu cynulleidfa fwy eang. Trwy gwneud hyn mae mwy o

Newyddion yn Fras Yn ôl creuwr y Sunday Times Rich List mae gan Cymry aml-ieithog mwy siawns o fod yn hapus yn fwy gyfoethog and yn fwy deniadol.

Mae Cymry dwyiethog yn ennill ar gyfartaledd £3,000 y flwyddyn yn fwy na Cymry Digymraeg a dywedodd hanner y cwmnïau byddent yn cyflogi ymgeisydd dwyieithog dros ymgeisydd uniaith. Druan a’r Saeson hynnu sydd ond yn siarad Saeneg!

Rhaid wrth gwrs yr wythnos yma nodi bod Rygbi Cenedleuthol ‘nol ar ein teledau. Rydym eisioes wedi chwarae De Africa erbyn hyn. Mae Taf-Od yn gobeithio bydd Cymru yn curo Romania yma yng Nghaerdydd ar ddydd Gwener I’r rhai ohonoch sydd ddim mor ffodus a fi i gael tocynnau gallwch weld y gêm ar S4C am 6:60yh.

Llongyfarchiadau yn olaf i Gwen Roberts sydd erbyn hyn wedi ei hethol fel Swyddog An-sabothol dros ni’r Cymry. Pob lwc i ti yn y dyfodol.

Os oes gennych chi unrhyw storïau neu llythyron danfonwch nhw i:

grwelsh@cf.ac.uk neu anfonwch neges i

07734 297223 gyllid yn mynd i ddod i’r Eisteddfod ac felly yn y pen draw gobeithir fod y gynulleidfa newydd yn mynd i helpu ariannu’r digwyddiad.

Cymerodd yr Eisteddfod cam fawr at denu cynulleidfa fwy eang trwy cyflwyno alcohol. Pwrpas hyn oedd i wneud yr Eisteddfod yn achlysur fwy gymdeithasol ac nid dim ond cyfle i bobl dangos ei ddawn ar y llwyfan.

Mae’r Eisteddfod yn cael ei weld fel achlysur teuluol ac felly gobeithir fod yr aden yn lledaenu i ddenu bobl o wahanol oedrannau, yn enwedig pobl ifanc.

Trwy gwneud hyn bydd yr Eisteddfod Genedlaethol yn medru cario ymlaen i fod yn w?l llwyddiannus, ac i sefyll yn falch am yr iaith Gymraeg.

Dysgu Cymraeg Gyda Taf-Od Learn Welsh with Taf-Od Anfonwch unrhyw sylwadau, llythyrau neu gyfraniadau i’r cyfeiriad e-bost newydd:

grwelsh@cf.ac.uk Brawddeg yr Wythnos:

“Wyt ti’n hoff o rygbi?”

Sentence of The Week:

“Do you like rugby?”

Geordie

November 8 2004

Page 9

grcolumnist@cf.ac.uk

Geordie THE VOICE OF GOD ALONE KNOWS WHAT

Rolls Royce: your choice I I could have chose to write a piece on this week's US election for my first foray into the political page, but I decided otherwise for one simple reason: I don't actually care. It's not my country.

Bush, thankfully, is not my leader.

Instead, I have chose a topic closer to home, within the walls of the building in which I write, in fact: the proceedings of the last Student Council meeting.

The 'any other business' at the end of the meeting on November 1 was a draft proposal concerning the association of engineering company RollsRoyce with the University - they sponsor the AU and were present at the AISEC careers fair. The motion was concerned with the fact that RollsRoyce are dealers in military hardware and sell to "human-rights abusing regimes", citing China, Indonesia, Saudi Arabia and Turkey as examples, and that this affords status as 'unethical' business.

The company actually provides only engines for military jets, such as the RAF's Tornado fighter-bombers, and helicopters such as the Apache. Of the countries referenced previously, any "human rights abuses" are achieved primarily through the use of ground forces and secret police networks rather than air power, which is primarily used in waging war against another state.

The exception to this is Indonesia,

which used British-made aircraft to supress East Timor's attempts at selfdetermination. The majority of the company's exports to Indonesia and Turkey are engines for transport aircraft, training aircraft and utility helicopters, and my research uncovered no evidence of any sales to China (which is hardly surprising, since they use Russian aircraft, into which western

Rolls-Royce: second biggest arms dealer in the UK. And? engines don't fit).

It should be noted that Rolls-Roycepowered Tornado aircraft were used with a great degree of sucess by the RAF and Saudi military to liberate Kuwait from an hostile invasion force and also by a mult-international task force to stop ethnic cleansing in Kosovo, so their military hardware can't be all bad. UK law permits sales to all of the aforementioned nations, so the company is obeying the ethical principles of the British government.

The motion in Student Council cites Christian Aid's critcism of RollsRoyce for their oil pipeline in Sudan, accusing them of fuelling the current

Postal ballot sham Postal ballots are becoming more and more common as a voting method in this country. They were seemingly introduced to encourage people to vote, increase participation of the electorate, counter voter apathy - that kind of nonsense.

Therein lies its problem. The trouble with democracy - i.e. government of the people by the people - is that people are stupid.

Allowing postal ballots encourages voting from a section of the population that normally wouldn’t bother.

Firstly, this directly benefits the government currently in power, as the more apathetic voter is more likely to be aware of, and therefore support, the status quo (no, not the band, aren’t they dead?).

Secondly, if someone can’t be bothered to get off his arse, go down to the local polling station and mark a bit of paper then they probably don’t care enough for their vote to count. I’d be in favour of a basic political awareness and general intelligence test at polling stations, that’d quickly put off the cretins.

This week saw my native North East have a referendum on the possibilty of creating an elected regional assembly to reform the local government - like the Welsh Assembly or Scottish Parliament, but hopefully on time and within the prescribed budget. As I’m still on the Electoral Register back home, I’m entitled to vote in this referendum. However, the ballot papers had to be with the Counting Officer by 10pm tonight (Thursday) and I didn’t get the forms until yesterday (Wednesday). Hence I felt compelled to spend £3.75 on next-day delivery, rather than entrust the democratic process to Royal Mail, in order to exercise my long-fought for right to choose how I am governed. I can’t help but wonder how many others back home would do likewise.

humanitarian crisis.

Personally, I fail to make the link and I assume that, since there have been no economic sanctions, neither does the UN. The proposal also carries a decidedly negative tone on the matter of the contract awarded to RollsRoyce for work involving the resurrection of an infrastructure in post-war Iraq. Surely a company with technical nous such as theirs using their expertise to help rebuild a war-torn country is a good thing? And if they make a tidy profit on the way then good for them.

Ultimately, the company sells its products and need not concern themselves with the eventual use. Imagine the scenes if every sale in the world was dependent on a background check: "Big Mac, please," "No, sorry, I don't like the way you chew your food. I'm not selling you a burger."

Or perhaps; "Hi, I'm looking to buy a computer," "Well, okay, but only if you stay away from porn."

This issue also raises the question of where the line is drawn, since most companies behave in a way that is considered to be unethical by somebody, yet nobody is telling students to stay away from a certain large coffee-shop chain that has the most aggressive expansion policy since Genghis Khan was a lad, for example.

The above arguments notwithstanding, I firmly believe that ethical matters are for the concern of the individual and no-body - even a democratic one - should decide as a whole that no member of that body can deal with any particular company - such as the attempt to ban Rolls-Royce from the Careers Fair of Tuesday 2. I for one will not be told with whom I can and cannot do business.

What I say, goes

will not be ruled, as Mel Gibson once said (no more Braveheart quotes after this, I promise), and nor will most of us be subjected to autocracy - hence we have a parliament to represent us and are, in theory, self-ruling. But many in this country and abroad are quick to try to impose their own views upon others.

A prime example of this is the recent news, drowned-out somewhat due to election coverage, that 11 US states have decided not to legalise same-sex marriage. This is probably unsurprsing in a country that seems to be fuelled more and more with fervent religious conservatism, but the point is that - regardless of one's personal views on gay marriage - if two people wish to be married then why shouldn't they be allowed to do so?

Another point worth mentioning is the post-Columbine campaign to have Marilyn Manson's music banned, on account of its supposed responsibility for the massacre.

Not to blame Some dislike Manson's music, for whatever particular reason, and thus believe that it should be illegal. I happen to think it's a steaming pile of solid egested food waste (do I win the no-swearing competition, Gary?), but if that's what others wish to listen to then that's fine by me. gair rhydd's sister publication, Quench magazine, has had its own problems with attempts to impose restrictions, centring around a satirical article under the banner of Mr Chuffy Investigates... I found the article amusing. Some did not; this I can accept.

Everyone's tastes are different and I can understand that some people were offended by its risqué nature.

To complain and express displeasure at the nature of the article to Ginger: not banned the paper is an acceptable response – each Quench section contains an email address at the top for receiving feedback from readers.

To actively attempt to get the Mr Chuffy section banned, however, is nothing short of reprehensible. One cannot attempt to ban everything that one takes a dislike to. Imposing one's own views on others reeks of Fascism.

I'm offended by the ginger one in Girls Aloud, but you don't hear me calling for her to be kicked out of the band. Organised religion sickens me but I don't go around demanding its illegalisation. I’d like every BNP member to die horribly and in pain but I'd never ban them: their opinions, however repugnant, are just as valid as my own.

Lockheed C130J Transport aircraft: not a killing machine

AGREE? DISAGREE? EMAIL ME AT GRCOLUMNIST@CF.AC.UK AND IF IT’S ANY GOOD, I MIGHT DIE OF SHOCK

Editorial & Opinion

Page 10

November 8 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

James Emtage’s Student Stereotypes Becky: the secretive student

gair rhydd

free words Freedom Press

of

B the

Part of any good journalist’s job is finding out information that people want to keep quiet or exposing flaws or wrong-doings in the system.

Once the story breaks, individuals or institutions will either get embarrassed or annoyed but cannot ignore the vital fact that they’ve been found out. What usually follows is an improvement or a change as a result of the investigation.

The Oxford Student’s exposé of flaws in their university’s IT network was a classic case of this. Not only was it an exceptional piece of journalism, but the writers were sensible enough to hand over their findings before publication.

Their investigation was thorough and they rightly expected that, despite embarrassing the university, the IT network would be improved.

Instead, the writers, Patrick Foster and Roger Waite, found themselves hauled before a disciplinary committee and subsequently suspended.

The actions of Oxford University appear to be those of an institution cutting off its nose to spite its face.

No journalist should live in fear of reprisals for printing the truth and, by suspending the students, Oxford University is denying the paper the basic right of free speech.

This sends out the wrong message to both universities and student papers around the country and sets a dangerous precedent for any student journalist wanting to hold their institution to account – surely the job of any selfrespecting newspaper. gair rhydd is fully behind Waite and Foster as they fight this ruling every step of the way.

ecky hasn’t done the reading. Nor has she made any notes. She hasn’t started her essay yet, and she’s three lectures behind in two of her modules.

Or so she says. Yet somehow, she always manages to pull off the top marks, and can always muster up the right answer from somewhere when asked in her tutorials. And the reason for this? Becky is a secret worker.

When she says she’s watching

Bargain Hunt, she’s actually busy reading around the course notes, having already completed the set texts prior to the lectures. And when she says she got wasted at the Philly and slept in till noon, what she really means is that she tottered home sober at midnight in order to get up and do her written work before lunch.

Apparently she "just did NOT do ANY revision" for last summer’s exams, and must have "majorly fluked" her low first (with an average

score of 82%).

Her course mates watch on in disbelief as she hands in practicals that have cited 32 different authors with reference lists over two pages long, and often wonder how she managed to do it all when she "only started it late last night."

She did get caught out big-style this one time however: as she happily recalled the events of an "all day Sunday bender", someone out of nowhere piped up that they’d seen her

on that day in the library, hidden in a cubical at the back, laden down with books and journals. And she thought that place was so inconspicuous. To her horror someone else said that they’d seen her walking home that same evening with a bag full of things that definitely weren’t in the shape of vodka bottles.

She must be more cautious; constant vigilance is required. For she’d die if people found out how much work she really did.

Cardiff. Nor is it completely necessary for Cardiff Council to allocate a much needed £12,000 for the annual display in Coopers Field this Saturday. And the nameless man in Derby rendered impotent and incontinent after sticking a banger up his rectum a la Jackass certainly has a personal score to settle with that Fawkes guy. The 26-year-old fell and landed on his arse just as the firework exploded. Instead of going skyward the full force of the blast scorched his insides and all but blew his penis off.

So what it really boils down to is this: should we remember, remember and embrace that anomaly in our great country’s history, or choose to eradicate it thus ensuring that hedgehogs remain snug in the garden compost and all penises remain safely attached?

In the final hours of his life Guy

Fawkes wouldn’t have given a damn as he was hung until half dead before having his genitals cut off, waved in his face and burnt in front of him. His heart and bowels suffered the same fate as he still drew breath. As his spirit soared upwards searching for a place to rest, his decapitated body was displayed as a very grisly warning. Of course, a key issue has to be: can we justify actually celebrating such a means to an end?

Incidentally, until 1959 it was illegal not to celebrate Guy Fawkes’ arrest in England. So the setting off of fireworks is not only a celebration of torture and method of death that would sicken any human rights activist but it is also a hotbed for self dismemberment and crime in this modern age.

Not to mention a night of terror for animals and pets the country over.

Dogs may jump into baths mistaking them for a refuge in which to burrow, the hearts of smaller animals may literally explode in panic. And for all you late night TV addicts out there, your personal form of entertainment is annually interrupted by whistles and bangs, the screen colour distorted by coloured fire.

We live in a bloody world mainly created by a few, but bonfire celebrations where one now has the right to choose to attend is celebrated by many. Guy Fawkes had no such choice over his death and his soul walking aimlessly in the ‘other’ has no chance to forget it either.

Remember, remember the fifth of November and what it is you are actually celebrating: the continued crime, fear and blood forever associated with it.

Bonfire fright on the night

By Bethany Whiteside

G

unpowder, treason, plot and bloody torture of the most excruciating kind. This week sees pretty lights in the sky (free if you watch from outside Coopers Field), and homemade scarecrows dressed in relics from the 80s burning delightfully.

For me, the official countdown to Christmas has begun as I stand in my bobble hat embracing the wintry elements. However, like the tremulous history of Fawkes’ history and death, Bonfire Night has its darker side.

Firework Night should not be seen as an excuse for a repeat of last year’s criminal festivities when a 60-tonne stockpile of fireworks was seized in

Fighting Fees Anybody who thinks the war against top-up fees was lost when the government won the Westminster vote should think again in light of events this week.

By passing a motion saying that top-up fees are, in principle, wrong the Welsh Assembly has given its clearest indication yet that they could well reject them.

Suddenly the last stand has turned into the start of a revitalised attack front.

There is now a genuine feeling that, with the National Demonstration coming next month, top-up fees can be rejected in Wales.

And if Welsh students defeat top-up fees, then that strengthens the hand of Scotland and Northern Ireland. If they in turn reject top-up fees then this will turn the spotlight back onto England and Tony Blair.

By turning out to the Cardiff Demo there is a real chance that you could be helping to create history and over-turn national policy.

Andrew Rennison’s

Rüm 101

W

ouldn’t it be great to be Swedish? The ladies are foxy blondes, tobogganing is an all-year possibility, and life is so peaceful too that they only make the news once every three years.

Sadly, I am not Swedish, yet I thought I’d better clarify this after last week’s column, when I was amusingly labelled the very Scandinaviansounding Andrew Andersen.

Unfortunately, my real surname is far less distinctive, closely associated only with a brand of indigestion tablet.

Never mind. Moving onwards.

Things in Room 101 are getting a little tense for me. One of my fellow journalists suggested today that he’d

get to report my assassination within a couple of months; a sniper response to my relentless bellyaching. Am I that bad? Feel free to retort in the affirmative – go visit the Letters page.

Still, I’ve hardened my resolve, and have pledged to carry on. Exhibit #3: bouncers. Now this is, as is often the case, a rather unfair generalisation. So I’m going to narrow it down a bit: I hate bouncers who are wankers.

My main issue with such people is that they have serious delusions of grandeur. Wanker-bouncers fall into two main categories: failed policemen and chunks of high-density lard.

The former preferred to watch Police Academy than go through it, and so took up manning doors to get their

little power-hungry kicks. The latter have the single virtue in life of being huge immovable objects, people who will soon be legally required to stamp ‘Wide Load’ on their arses thanks to New Labour’s neurotic insanity.

You’d think therefore that these guys would just do their job, keep their heads down a bit and try to repress that sense of being a failure in life. But no, wanker-bouncers believe that the world rests on their nightly work, and that their authority is akin to Zeus on steroids.

You get the wanker-bouncer who has memorised every relevant article of the UK criminal code; say you find you’ve left your NUS at home, wanker-bouncer smirks and launches

into it: ‘Licensed premises without obligation to admit those under 18 withhold the right to refuse entry to any said persons as stated in…’ On and on he goes, beaming with pride. Twat.

Then you get the wanker-bouncer who has watched Goodfellas 37 times and is a Sopranos fan; leaning over you when your paths cross, he mumbles something like: ‘you better watch yourself boy, or me and my associates, we gonna make sure you have a nasty accident.’

Many bouncers do a fine, measured job, so why don’t we just ditch the aforementioned excess crap? I can do without it.

grÖpinion@cf.ac.uk

November 8 2004

Editorial & Opinion

Page 11

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Election selection

Emma Wilkins wonders whether we should reconsider the way in which we vote

I

went to school with an American; he is now back in America for a sandwich-year in his degree. The magic of MSN Messenger has meant that I have been able to catch up with him about the huge event that is the US Presidential elections.

As I write, we still don’t know who is going to end up being the most powerful man in the world. But one thing I do know, and my American friend agrees on this point, is that I really don’t like the way today’s politics are shaping up.

I won’t lie to you,. I am not the world’s most clued up person when it comes to politics. But even the most clueless person (nor am I that) can see that politics is becoming less and less about actual policy and more and more about personality.

Now, back to my American MSN buddy, his screen name on the day of the election was "And now I have voted". So my first question was, naturally, "for whom?" His response was that I mustn’t kill him, but he voted for Bush. He then went on to tell me he was now wishing that he hadn’t.

“His response was that I mustn’t kill him, but he voted for Bush.”

You see, the problem he was having was that he really didn’t think that it would matter which guy he went for, as he believes that both are idiots and he

doesn’t like either of them.

Idiots? I will leave you to make up your own minds on that one. But this statement of contempt towards the two men running for the Presidency begs the question "why do you actually have to like the guy himself? Why not look into his policies and what his party stands for, before making what used to be seen as a very big decision?”

Modern political campaigns seem to be all about what the candidate does in their private life, how attractive their daughters are, and which celebrities they hang out with.

How is your ‘average Joe’ to decide which candidate will best fill the Oval Office slippers when their campaigns focus more on the foibles of the other candidate?

This focus on negative, attacking, campaigning really upsets me. It is true that a campaign based around the bad points of the other candidate and their party is more effective than one singing the candidate’s own praises, but, there is a false impression that this campaigning is more objective. A candidate is not going to say they have made a mistake themselves, so someone else must do it for them.

But who truly believes that every attack made by one side or another is based entirely on fact? Look at the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth campaign and the falsities they aimed at John Kerry’s Vietnam record.

This record has been the centre of huge attention in this election. Yes, John Kerry had the balls to stand up

and say that he did not agree with the Vietnam War. Yes, this may be seen as hypocritical since he was quite happy to accept military decoration for his service there. He was also called unAmerican and un-patriotic by the Bush campaign team.

But, another angle might be that speaking up about the war was a very brave thing to do. This confession of disagreement with the war also shows an honest man who is willing to tell us what he really feels. The Bush campaign would never admit to this one - negative campaigning wins elections.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that focusing on the person behind the policies can be beneficial to us. It means that politicians have got to be

and responsible adult, I made my way towards the Great Hall...and knew I’d made a terrible mistake. I was greeted by an inanely enthusiastic grin which made all my plucky resolve wilt rather pathetically. The flurry of papers, the ever so kind (if slightly overzealous) door-lady bombarded me with, did nothing to soothe my fears.

In fact, certain words immediately leapt out at me, striking terror into the bottom of my soul. These were ‘experience’, ‘choices’ and ‘plan’, to be exact. But the one which freaked me out the most was ‘zones’. Had I slipped into another dimension?

Fearing the worse, but not actually spotting any sign of Daleks or a TARDIS, I gritted my teeth and headed towards ‘zone one’.

At this point you’ll have to forgive me, but it all became something of a blur. More advice I’m not interested in, more papers, blah, blah, blah. I accept every scrap willingly enough, knowing full well that they’ll line my bedroom floor for a couple of days, before finding themselves in my bin at the end of the week.

You might think that I’m ungrateful for guidance, but I’m not. It’s just that if you do a humanities based course, there’s far less advice available than for someone doing, say, economics. And surely we, the victims of a less than logical mind frame, are the ones who need guidance the most?

Take the woman on the work experience stall (I forget what ‘zone’ it was). Anyone would think that I’d told

her I only had a week left to live by the way she avoided my gaze and muttered something about ‘not panicking’. Yes, I study English Literature, am in my third year, and change my mind about what I want to do every week. So what? It’s not all about lazing around in bed reading Dickens. I have skills too. I can articulate ideas clearly, organise an essay beautifully, and analyse words to a startling degree. I can even – shock, horror – use a computer! Not to mention knowing what oxymorons are or what hyperbole is.

But does all this really prepare me for the workforce?

Yes, apparently. We’re told that English is a great degree to have, for the very skills mentioned above. It’s the fact that employers never ask for it

more accountable for their actions. Any slip-up by a politician is spread across the newspapers almost as soon at it happens. There is nowhere for politicians to hide any more - not that they don’t try. The work of the political spin-doctor and communications expert is never done.

Increased scrutiny of politicians in the news media does mean that we get a closer look at what is going on in the lives of those who rule us. But is that scrutiny always warranted? Do we really need to know about Tony Blair’s son being found drunk and disorderly in a public place? How does this serve the public interest? Does the constant probing into politicians’ private lives get in the way of them doing their jobs?

And do the impressions we receive of politicians reflect their true personalities?

I guess what I am really trying to say is that politics should not be a matter of which candidate can shout louder than the others, nor a matter of who has the biggest campaign fund. Nor should we be voting due to the fact that we fancy the candidates’ other half, or because that candidate is the best dressed.

“There is nowhere for politicians to hide any more” Will politics ever just be about politics? Even an election where the parties seem to stand for different things would be good. Come on newspapers, come on TV networks, come on politicians: give real democracy a chance!

Careering into control

By Rachel Howells

B

eginning your third year means you begin to panic - a lot! I’m convinced that whatever you study or whatever your circumstances, this is the same for everyone. But this sense of anxiety is even more prevalent if, like me, you’re an English Literature student with no relevant work experience or no particular career in mind.

So, the other day I decided to get my act together and go to a careers fair.

Yes, I’d rather be locked in a dark room with a randy Peter Stringfellow, but sometimes these things just have to be done.

Feeling like a fully-fledged mature

specifically that strikes fear into the minds of many a careers adviser. If you need some advice though, don’t let me scare you off. Carol Nicholas, the careers adviser for humanities students, is always ready to listen to any worries and gives excellent advice.

In fact, it’s gotten to the stage now where, if I’m not in bed reading or at a rare lecture, my friends know I’m at the careers service. Usually getting very worried. But, what the hell, I’ll figure it out in my own time. There’s always the prospect of a gap year abroad helping grateful kiddies with their English skills.

Want to contribute to the gair rhydd? Meetings every Monday at 1.15.

Political Opinion

Page 12

November 8 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

A triumph for democracy in the EU

By Andrew Mickel

T

he words ‘European Union’ are normally enough to push the Eurosceptic press into a frenzy. The EU commission changeover from the widely vilified Prodi administration to a group of 25 that manages to include seven former communist countries and Peter Mandelson, was bound to prove almost too much.

But just when the incumbent Barroso Commission was almost sunk by a scandal over the new Italian Commissioner, an event took place that shocked everyone. The European Parliament did something useful.

It has gone almost entirely unreported in the UK, despite the fact that it will determine the orientation of the European Union. Regardless of how you view it, it will be important for years to come.

The story is superficially based on the inclusion of Rocco Buttiglione as the incoming Justice Commissioner, covering the sensitive areas of civil liberties. His views were widely considered to be too close to the Vatican’s for him to hold such a post. The

European Parliament holds the power to reject an entire commission if they are incapable. So, when it became clear that Parliament would not approve the new commission, the entire design had to be returned to the drawing board.

The European Parliament surprised even itself by acting so strongly to uphold essential European principles.

More problems for Arafat and the peace process

By Daniel Stanton

T

he situation in the Middle East has become even less certain in recent weeks, following the serious illness affecting the Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.

The 75-year-old is currently undergoing tests for a blood disorder in a hospital in Paris. It was reported that his medical team includes a French cancer specialist, but officials from the Palestinian Authority claim that no traces of a tumour or any fatal illness have been found.

Arafat had been confined by the Israeli army to his compound in the town of Ramallah for the last three years, accused of inciting violence against Israelis. There were initial fears that he would not be allowed to return to the West Bank if he left for treatment, but the Israeli leader Ariel Sharon has given his assurance that he would be granted access.

However, if Arafat’s condition is to deteriorate, Sharon has made it clear that under no circumstances would he allow the Palestinian leader to be buried in Jerusalem. Palestine would see this concession as a boost to their claim to the land.

Under the constitution of the Palestinian Authority, in the event of Arafat’s death, he would be succeeded by the speaker of the Palestinian Legislative Council, Rawhi Fattuh, for a maximum of 60 days while a successor is elected.

There is no clear candidate for a permanent leader, since Palestine has

long been divided into warring factions.

The bomb attack on a Tel Aviv market on November 1 was carried out by a member of the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine, a radical group within the mainstream Palestine Liberation Organisation that Arafat leads.

Arafat condemned the attack, which killed three people and wounded dozens, from his hospital bed.

The divisions within the party make it hard to see a natural successor, and there could be months of internal fighting between the rival factions.

For the time being, Ahmed Qurei, the Prime Minister, has taken charge of the Palestinian Authority, but there is no clear long-term solution.

The situation in the Middle East looks set to improve with the announcement of Sharon’s disengagement plans. The plans would see Israel gradually withdraw all 8000 Jewish settlers from the Gaza Strip and a small number from settlements in the West Bank.

However, Sharon’s plans have not had complete approval from within his party. He sacked two ministers for voting against the motion, and four more have threatened to resign unless he calls a referendum on the issue.

Israel has occupied the disputed territories since they captured them in the war of 1967, believing that God gave the land to the Jews. Under international law, the settlements are considered to be illegal, although this is not a position that Israel recognises.

Tolerance is a fundamental feature of the EU, and instating such a provocatively conservative figure in such a sensitive position was ridiculously problematic. With a different brief, the competent Buttiglione could have proved effective, but to bring provocation so close to the values at the heart of the EU was unacceptable.

Rocco Buttiglione has become somewhat totemic for wider failings.

Although his appointment was absurd, it did not provide a reason to reject the entire commission. In general though, the quality of the candidates is very low.

Five other potential commissioners have already come under strong criticism due to allegations of corruption and conflict of interests, while the rest have been referred to as ‘retreads, apparatchiks and dullards’. The rejec-

tion of the commission was not based on any one candidate but rather on a number of failings.

Does the decision really mean anything for the European Parliament in the future? A stronger Parliament is certainly needed to close the democratic deficit.

This event seems to send a strong signal to the commission that the Parliament will not act as a rubber stamp for substandard decision-making; even MEPs seem to have stunned themselves with such a watershed.

However, the strongest signal will be sent to member states. This is not a matter of the EU usurping power from national governments, because the decision of who wins commission posts has largely been a matter of political manoeuvring at the highest level.

Instead, it shows that the checks and balances that are necessary for a real democratic process at the European level are working, and cannot be abused by any self-interested national government.

Although the long-term potential of a stronger, more confident Parliament has yet to develop, any form of balance to the heavyweight commission and national governments has to be welcomed.

Does government policy place too much value on the degree?

By Kerry-Lynne Doyle

A

long with top-up fees, the Labour government’s aim to get 50 per cent of under30s into higher education has been widely criticised. This aim, which the government hope to achieve by 2010, has angered a vast spectrum of people across the country and has left many confused as to where the 50 per cent figure evolved from.

At a time when the value of a degree is constantly scrutinised, the facts behind this particular government target remain ambiguous.

“There are possibilities out there other than university” In a press conference earlier this year, Tony Blair claimed that 43 per cent of under-30s are currently in university. He used this figure to defend the 50 per cent aim, claiming that numbers are expected to rise naturally to meet targets.

This claim is reinforced by The Office of National Statistics which reported that the number of students in higher education has nearly doubled in the last decade. This makes the 50 per cent figure seem logical.

Yet the UK is currently encountering mass shortages in skilled jobs. In 2002-2003, 83 per cent of 16 to 18year-olds studied A-levels, reducing the numbers of people doing vocational courses.

Earlier this year an Equal Opportunities Commission report claimed that the current Modern Apprenticeship scheme is not offering enough opportunities to young people that encourage them towards non-traditional education and employment. This argument is backed up by the shortages of workers in skilled industries such as plumbing, engineering and construction.

The shortage was recently highlighted by a BBC documentary that focused on the increasing number of graduates who are deciding to leave their high-flying jobs and become skilled labourers. Cases such as the Oxford graduate who chose to retrain as a plumber emphasises just how much these shortages are affecting the employment market.

However, the government continue to promote higher education with its 50 per cent target. There are currently two million students in the UK and more universities than Britain has ever had.

Courses are expanding, entry qualifications are changing, top universi-

ties are demanding more from their applicants, and other universities desperate to fill places - are lowering their entrance grades. Surely this indicates that there are too many uni-

“Surely there are too many university places?”

versity places? Surely it is unfair that people who cannot cope with A-levels are encouraged to go university?

I am not saying that people who do not get top grades at A-level should not go to university; that does not make sense. What I am saying is that people should be made aware that there are possibilities out there other than university, something that is definitely lacking in British schools.

The UK does not need 50 per cent of under-30s studying at university; current graduate unemployment rates prove this. What Britain does need is to give young people well-informed choices about their future that will not use university as a paradigm of success.

It is only then that we will have a vibrant employment market that puts the same social value on a skilled worker as a university graduate.

Science

November 8 2004

Page 13

grscience@cf.ac.uk

Tiny happy people Anthropologists uncover their most significant discovery in a century

By Chloe Heywood and Chris Matthews

Science Reporters

I

NTERNATIONAL SCIENTISTS made a groundbreaking announcement this week with their discovery of a new species of human in the Indonesian jungle. The skeleton found was initially mistaken for that of a child but was later confirmed to be a one metre tall, 20 year old female of the new species Homo floresiensis.

The skeleton was unearthed in a limestone cave on the island of Flores and is thought to be around 18,000 years old. Some other fragments of bone found were only 12,000 years

old, meaning that this newly discovered species must have lived alongside humans for tens of thousands of years.

What makes this new species Homo floresiensis different from human pigmies is its small brain size relative to body size and stark differences in the structure of the skull.

The remote and undiscovered nature of this jungle has led some anthropologists to suggest the possibility that this species may still inhabit isolated pockets of the region.

The skeleton, which has been named Liang Bua 1 or LB1, has not been fossilised in the normal way, instead taking on the consistency of mashed potato which could hamper efforts to extract the species’ DNA. The discovery of this species has

H.floesiensis skull (left) compred with human skull (right).

brought all conventional theories of human evolution into dispute as H. floresiensis forms a new evolutionary line never before described by modern science.

New theories suggest that H. floresiensis evolved when H. erectus left the nearby Island of Java using a simple raft and became stranded on

"Liang Bua 1 shared her island with golden retriever-sized rats and miniature elephants” Flores where, once isolated it evolved the more advantageous smaller body plan of H. floresiensis.

The new species’ evolution to a small stature is thought to have provided an advantage over predators, allowing swift escapes to the safety of tree canopy. The pressure of limited food resources on the island and the lack of predators meant that their miniature size reduced the amount of calories that Homo floresiensis required. This ensured the success of the species on a hostile environment.

After Liang Bua 1’s ancestors arrived on Flores Island by boat she would have shared her island with golden retriever-sized rats, miniature elephants and huge komodo dragons which would have been hunted using

primitive stone tools. These tools are not thought to have been made by H. erectus as they are so small that they would be useless to a species as large as humans are today.

Charred remains of animals including small mammals, lizards and snakes on certain cave floors suggest that H. floresiensis was also capable of basic cooking on an open fire.

Displaying this behaviour with a brain of a mere 330 cubic centimetres (which is only a 1/3 of the size of the human brain) blows away the concept that a large brain is required to complete intelligent tasks, a concept well established in the scientific world.

Among the local people, legends remember a tribe of people described as about a metre tall, with long hair, pot bellies and ears that slightly stick out. These people are known as Ebu Gogo.

Villagers’ stories state that that this tribe could communicate using a language based on murmurs. They also are said to have the ability to directly repeat more complex language.

"The Ebu Gogo stole and ate one of their babies."

Other legends that exist are less pleasant, particularly one indicating that the Ebu Gogo may have had a cannibalistic streak. After raiding villagers crops, the Ebu Gogo stole and ate one of their babies resulting in a revenge attack on the caves which the tribe inhabited.

This amazing discovery has prompted much discussion on what now seems a blurred line between humans and animals.

Questions have been raised among anthropologists and theologians regarding our actions towards this new species if it is still alive today.

The ability of Homo floresiensis to communicate verbally has distanced them from other apes and posed the question ‘are Homo floresiensis selfaware’?

It now looks likely that the Island of Flores will be overrun by investigative teams desperate to report back to a scientific community anxious to discover more about our ‘hobbit’ relatives. Of particular interest is the question of whether one of our closest relatives still inhabit part of Indonesia.

gair rhydd isn’t just for English and Journalism students!

If you’ve got an interest in any area of science and want to contribute, email the science editor at grscience@cf.ac.uk or come up to the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the union.

Science in brief

By Marielle Smith and Mario Raymond Gerard

Heart of steel New advances in artificial heart technology in the US have produced the world’s f irst Total Artif icial Heart (TAH).

The ‘Cardiowest’ will replace the diseased hearts of patients waiting for transplants. Previously, Left Ventricle Assist Devices (LVADs), which sit alongside the diseased heart, have been very successful.

But, LVADs are insufficient if both ventricles are damaged, hence the need for the Cardiowest.

In previous tests, patients have been fitted with the Cardiowest for an average of 79 days.

During this time, their quality of life generally improved, despite having to remain connected to the external unit.

This is a far cry from the experiences of Barney Clark, who in 1982 became the first person to be fitted with a permanent artificial heart.

His life was lengthened by 112 days, but with a huge loss in quality of life.

In a world with ageing populations, increasing incidences of heart failure and a lack of donor hearts, demand for devices such as the Cardiowest is high.

Sneeze-proof felines American scientists from the company Allerca are in the process of designing hypoallergenic cats.

A gene-silencing technique is being used to reduce the amount of a protein called allergen, that is made in the salivary glands of cats and causes human allergies.

However, there are concerns about the negative effects that this could have on the animals’ health, as this technique has only previously been used on mice.

As cats produce many types of allergens, eliminating the most common one may prove unsuccessful.

Costing $3500 each, most cat sufferers will have to put up with asthma and other allergies and forget the genetic manipulation solution.

Cats could be just the first in a series of ‘life-style pets’ planned by Allerca.

Meanwhile, its parent company, Geneticas Life Sciences, has ambitious plans to create glowing deer, by inserting them with jellyfish genes.

The deer should fluoresce in car headlights, potentially reducing the number of accidents.

Letters

Page 14

November 8 2004

grletters@cf.ac.uk

Caldicott replies to his critics Dear gair rhydd, How refreshing to see a well-argued response to one of my trademark controversial letters from Patricia Xavier.

Normally, replies take the form of pathetic insults with no actual substantive alternative to the views I have expressed, as demonstrated by the childish anonymous texts in last week’s text box. I mean, the cretin who suggested I be thrown out of university really is not on the same planet as the rest of us if he/she thinks having an opinion contrary to their own is an expellable offence. Actually, it is an offence under the university

Corrections and clarifications The article acredited to Andrew Anderson in issue 773 of the gair rhydd was actually written

by Andrew Rennison.

Please email your letters to

grletters@cf.ac.uk prizes As always, Letters Desk have found a prize relative to all the hard work the letter of the week writer puts in. This week they will be happy to find a pair of tickets to a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

text

rules to attempt to hinder free speech within the University and the Union.

I know that many students won’t agree with my views; this is largely because I’ve worked in the "real world" for several years before returning to do my PhD. I have seen, and winced at, the huge chunk of my wage packet being deducted every month. It is very common for those graduates who have been trendy leftie agitators throughout university to rapidly change their tune when they start paying taxes. Indeed, Tony Blair, Jack Straw, Robin Cook et al were all raving commies at university; now they’re indistinguishable from the Tories except that they are slightly more nauseatingly PC. In response to Patricia’s letter: I agree with her points on cutting waste within our own systems, but I cannot understand why we should then plough the savings into supporting Africa when there are thousands of other deserving causes we could fund here, or better still, reducing our tax burden. With regard to slavery, this has existed since the dawn of human civilisation. Contrary to popular belief, the majority of slaves were not forcefully taken from the bush by colonists, but were bought fair and square from tribal kings, who in turn were prisoners of war. Tribal culture in Africa dictates that prisoners taken from tribal battles are kept as slaves and can be traded as commodities, and it still goes on today. The point is that our ancestors paid for them, so we don’t owe any reparations to them nearly two hundred years later! That’s like saying the Italians owe us reparations for the Romans taking slaves two thousand years ago and for ravishing our natural resources. Finally, I re-iterate my point that those people who feel that money should be given to Africa can do so in the form of charitable donations.

In conclusion, I hope that the letters page of the gair rhydd will maintain this level of mature debate instead of deteriorating to the level of infantile calls for me to be expelled/imprisoned/hanged.

Andrew Caldicott.

07791165837

2 the twat that was pushin us around at the cash point on wed nite, thanx 4 the free ticket mate! jane is a lucky woman. gary andrews is sex on legs simple answer to asylum and immigration: give the british people a referendum! they won’t, of course, because they know the result will be ‘shut the door’! will all you fucks stop texting about gingers! i

started this game, find your own minority group wanted, dead or alive: thom airs, veggie at large richey edwards lives in my cupboard, he’s a great guitarist these days i’m trapped in jonesy’s suck dungeon... miaow so boddingtons is goin 2b made from water from the severn tunnel? i didn’t realise there was water in it - no wonder the railways r in such a mess

The gair rhydd letters page It’s not often I agree with Andrew Caldicott. While I may not share his political views, he has my complete backing when he says that he ‘hopes that the letters page of the gair rhydd will maintain the level of mature debate’ that has been evident in previous issues. The last few weeks has proved that our generation of students are not as politically apathetic and clueless as many make out; in fact, recent letter writers have displayed that the exact opposite by producing well-researched, coherent arguments.

It would be a pleasure for me to continue editing a page characterised by such quality letters, whatever the opinion expressed. As Ryan reminds us all in the letter entitled, ‘A little bit of sense in the crazy world of letters page’, gair rhydd does stand for ‘free word’.

Perri

A little bit of sense in the crazy world of letters page

responded to because at least he manages to cause a bit of an uproar.

As for demanding that he should never be allowed to write in again, try and remember what gair rhydd stands for.

ogise to anyone this has affected. We have taken steps to rectify the situation and to prevent this from occurring again.

Cardiff RAG

Dear gair rhydd, Ryan, 3rd year Journalism.

I think people are missing the point with this Caldicott business. I might know nothing about him, but having lived with a pro-wrestler for the past two years, I know a hell of a lot about playing the heel. His comments are designed to spark a reaction; he wants to get booed. So in effect, all you clever, well-informed and perceptive people who reply in outrage at his comments are playing straight into his hands. If you really wanted to piss him off, you'd ignore him, simple as.

Personally, I think he should be

You make complete and utter sense. And it’s not often I get to say that.

RAG apologise Dear gair rhydd, All of us at Cardff RAG would like to apologise for any offence caused by the recent edition of the RAGMAG. We did not intend to offend and apol-

Dynamo Centurions celebrate with a poem To Pele and Jim we’re in debt, For the victory we knew they could get, For the Dynamos’ play, Left Jap Soc. in dismay, So there’s hope for Centurion yet!

Nice celebrating.

letter of the week Tolerance is the key Dear gair rhydd, I must disagree with the recent article in Quench ("Cymraeg, hoyw ac yn falch", 01/11) attacking Rocco Buttigilone as homophobic and arguing he is unsuitable for a position in the European Commission on the grounds that he said that homosexuality is a sin. Of course we must seek to have a tolerant society, but this does not mean stifling the opinions of those we might disagree with. Tolerance not only means that Buttiglione should respect the beliefs and decisions of those who practice homosexuality, but also that those who practice homosexuality should respect his belief that they are doing wrong.

Tolerating is, by definition, putting up with something you don’t like or disagree with, not pretending not to disagree. It is agreeing to disagree, not forcing everyone never to disagree.

Buttiglione may or may not be prejudiced against homosexual people, I don’t know. If so, he is very wrong in that and his suitability for an important position in the European Commission should be carefully examined. But simply because he holds a moral stance on a certain behaviour does not necessarily mean he hates those who behave in that way. Yes, sadly some people do seek to claim a moral basis for their prejudices, but it is perfectly possible to hold the belief that a behaviour is wrong while respecting the freedom of others to

make their own decision on the matter and their worth as human beings regardless of their moral choices.

Disagreement with the practice of homosexuality is very different from hatred of homosexuals.

There is a great deal of legitimate debate to be had on morality with regard to sexual behaviour, the social implications of such measures as gay marriage and so on. This requires a free, open and respectful exchange of ideas, recognising people’s rights to hold their own moral opinions and make their own moral choices, and to speak up for them.

I’ll leave the final word with the writer of the article herself, Perri Lewis, who in the same week’s letters page said: "Whilst it’s easy to dismiss the controversial opinions of others, we have to remember that however unpopular they are, people are entitled to their own opinions, no matter how much you may disagree with them". Exactly. That extends to Mr Buttigilone too, as well as others who believe such things as homosexuality is wrong.

Caleb Woodbridge Perri says: I completely agree; everyone is entitled to have their opinions respected by others.

I respect that Mr. Buttiglione does not agree with the practice of homosexuality; I also respect that these opinions are based on his religious views, and like many other Catholics, he will never be persuaded to believe otherwise.

Whilst I continue to be amazed that people still harbour such anti-gay views, I accept that we live in a democratic society that promotes freedom of speech for everyone, no matter how racist,

sexist or homophobic they may be.

I also do not believe that anyone should be denied the right to a job because of what they believe.

However, I think that Mr. Buttiglione is a special case: justice and home affairs minister in the European commission is not just any job, but one with major responsibilities to the people of Europe. I am not convinced that he is the most suitable candidate for such an important position.

But of course, this is simply my opinion.

My qualm is not that he thinks ‘homosexuality is a sin’, nor do I believe that he hates gay people.

The issue is that he has quite explicitly stated that he does not believe in gay rights which could have very negative reprocussions on the gay community. Having an opinion is one thing; allowing your prejudices to influence the lives of others is quite another.

It may be that Mr. Buttiglione would be able to seperate his antigay views from the policies he would make. He may even be able to do this very successfully without discriminating against the gay community.

However, the gay communities of Europe need more than this.

They need a commission that will push things forward and champion equal rights, not oppose them.

They need comissioners who will be good role models to the public; comissioners who will lead the public into an age of acceptance.

Realistically, I don’t think that Mr. Buttiglione would be able to do this. For more information on Mr. Buttiglione’s current situation in Europe, see page 12 and the wondeful Carrie Farwell.

Jobs & Money

Page 16

November 8 2004

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

Fight the Power...

News in brief

I

Good news for Graduates

By Andy Rennison Jobs and Money correspondant

’LL GET STRAIGHT to the point.

There is no such thing as a student career. Fact.

Yes, this may have shocked the many ardent student workers out there and disgusted a student brand manager or two but listen to my reasoning before you judge and ridicule me.

‘Career’ suggests status, possibilities, and that certain sense of power as a member of the workforce. I’ve never met a student who has any of these things.

Status? Try a name badge.

Possibilities? Try dead ends. And power? Hear me laughing. As scholars, we sit somewhere between paperboys and tramps in the employee food chain. And at least paperboys get to ride bikes.

But why is this so? Do we really deserve to be treated so badly? The dark, unspoken truth in most cases, is yes.

It’s one of those vicious cycles: you get unfair pay and inflexible hours from a boss who sneers at you. You consequently do your job with the absolute minimal degree of effort and/or professionalism, and so such bosses have even more reason to be wa***rs.

We’ve all been there. In the McDonald’s across from my old workplace, my friend had to average one customer every 40 seconds – by his supervisor’s watch – or he wasn’t allowed any fag breaks. There are herds of veal that are treated better than that.

We sit somewhere between paperboys and tramps in the employee food chain.

Nearly three quarters of last year's graduates have already found employment, with just 6.2% unemployed six months after leaving university, according to the Higher Education Statistics Agency.

Employment rates varied according to courses, with 92% of medicine and dentistry graduates having found work and only 0.2% assumed to be unemployed.

Almost a quarter (24.2%) of those who left in 2002/03 were combining work and further study.

Computer science showed the highest percentage of leavers unemployed (12.5%) followed by engineering and technology (10.5%) and creative arts and design (10.3%).

THE BITTEREST PILL: Employee attitudes to student workers can be hard to swallow Anti-student prejudice goes right to the top of the employment hierarchy.

The first month at my last job, I got incorrectly taxed 20%. ‘Bastards’, I said, but my boss promised it would be fine next time. 28 days rolled past, and again I got taxed 20%.

‘Bastards!’ said I, but again I was reassured. A phase of the moon later, my third payslip came through the door: 40%! My response cannot legally be printed on these pages.

In my anger and desperation I phoned up the Inland Revenue, and this is the clincher. I told them what had happened, and the old bint on the end of the line asked me why I shouldn’t be taxed.

I replied, ‘Well, I’m a student so before I could add that I only worked a measly 14 non-tax-worthy hours, she started laughing. It was the sound of mockery. ‘Just because you’re a stu-

Start taking pride in your work: turn up on time, buff those shoes and compliment the boss’s tie dent, doesn’t mean you won’t get taxed’.

As soon as the word ‘student’ left my lips the Inland Revenue lady seized upon it and turned into the kind of patronising, authoritarian nob that makes you want to gnaw your arm off at the socket just to have something to throw at her.

She progressed in her patronising manner to tell me I’d probably never see my wrongly taken money again.

Guess what, I never did.

yd d

Postcards from the Real World

MONEY TALKS

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ir

r h

journalist or press ted to pursue a career as a music Before I came to University I wan singer and guilead the n bee the guitar since 11 and officer in the industry. I’ve played ead of a steady job ic has always been my focus. Inst tarist in the band since 16, so mus still continue with but ve ucti prod ed me to do something after sixth form I figured Uni allow year the band, now hours of the course. In my first snowballed from rehearsing because of the flexible cally basi it and single on a local label being headhunted for a session on named Versus, put out our first ding d Cardiff then the UK, inclu roun es venu in success. gigs play to rs there with offe d, ‘Versus’, to work towards real was actually possible for my ban the comof ause bec n dow it ed turn Radio One. I realised then that it or five-year record deal but maj first our red offe were we In the third year rees here at Cardiff. mitment needed to finish our deg ing the g (BA) and am definitely not miss Journalism, Film and Broadcastin from 9y, nast is time re leisu of Now I’ve graduated with a 2:2 in lack l the band gets signed. The unti ive, surv ever y to g ucin now k prod wor to and ing ls, song writ study. But I have agency straight to all night rehearsa has harassed us enough now that se, 5 clerical work with a local temping s after the group Cooper Temple Clau evening. Our manager, who also look on our music careers. king wor this isn’t the ideal way to be sure at nities, and occasional study... I’m terms of socialising, new opportu of conition amb my l fulfi to t wan Studying here has been great in ly nite re, but right now I defi futu the in use learnt of I’ve be far. will so rse had cou e some point the zing breaks we’v songs, making the most of the ama ting a crea as roll’ and k ‘roc and ing tinuing producing and playing new w dreams that are as stimulat follo to seem may it cult diffi that however determination and commitment. band, it is possible to achieve with

So what can be done? I believe the key is to take the high ground. Not literally of course – I don’t envisage thousands of students assembling on a hill. I mean let’s remove our employer’s ammunition. Start taking pride in your work: turn up on time, buff those shoes and compliment the boss’ tie.

If every student worker adopts this mentality, we can change opinions, then treatment, then maybe even wages!

Sure it’s a bitter pill to swallow, and maybe we won’t see the changes during our own student lifetimes. But think of the children. And the children’s children. And the children’s…

If you are looking for part time work check out the Jobshop located on the first floor of the students’ union. Remember to bring your NUS and passport to register.

Ben James

“The cost of a thing is the amount of life which is required to be exchanged for it” HD Thoreau (1817-62)

Bar reserved for the rich The Bar could return to a profession of the rich and privileged as the cost of entry degrees and exams spiral ever upwards.

Leading QC Lord Goldsmith said that he was "very concerned" about the future of the Bar and the financial problems of young people who can start their careers with debts of up to £20,000.

Unless the Bar attracts people from a variety of economic backgrounds it could fail to represent the breadth of class, ethnicity and culture in Britain today.

There had been a time, he said, when local authority funding and more openness in the Bar enabled many students from non-traditional backgrounds to enter the profession. That trend was now at risk.

Credit Card Craze Customers who move from one credit card provider to another looking for 0% finance deals are costing the industry around £1bn a year, according to figures published by PricewaterhouseCoopers.

Increasing numbers of consumers have been switching deals from one cheap credit card to another as lenders compete for business, but there have been concerns in the past that applying for several different cards could have a detrimental effect on borrowers' credit ratings.

Each time an application for credit is made, a record is kept on the credit file for one to two years.

Currently, only one in every seven new credit cards is issued to a consumer who does not already have one.

Email your jobs and money questions to grjobs@cf.ac.uk and we’ll do our damndest to hunt around for the answers

Jobs & Money

November 8 2004

Page 16

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

The good, the bad and the ugly

By Rosanne White Jobs and Money correspondant

T

he world of student work can be a frightening and bizarre place.

One day you’re studying the finer art of quantum physics in a lecture theatre, the next day you’re scrubbing the toilets in McDonalds.

Personally I’ve had just about every student job possible to get. from the glory of £9 per hour in a call centre to the despair of less than minimum wage in a Christmas shop. Never under-estimate the soul-destorying affect a talking Santa or singing Christmas tree can have after three months.

Bearing this range of crappy jobs in mind we wanted to know about the best, worst and most bizarre job you’ve had during your time in Studentsville so we set to the corridors of the union to investigate...

Hannah Morgan, 3rd Year Law

BEST JOB: Working as a receptionist in Australia, the fact that I was in Australia made the job so great and I worked with local people.

WORST JOB: Stacking shelves in Tesco’s.

MOST BIZARRE JOB Packing cough sweets for a pharmaceutical company, I had to do 5000 a day!

Nathan Davies, 3rd Year Accounting

BEST JOB: Painting halls of residence. The work was easy, I got paid £5 an hour and had lots of teabreaks!

WORST JOB: Working on a chemical plant, it was dirty, dangerous and smelly!

MOST BIZARRE JOB: Doing a paper round. It’s like slave labour.

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Barstaff Cardiff £4.85 per hour Variable - Mostly Mon/Weds/Fri/Sat night Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Busy city centre night club and comedy club recruiting barstaff.

Duties include serving customers and maintaining venue standards.

Swydd/Job: Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours:

Swydd/Job:

Kitchen Assistants

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff In line with full NMW Various Ongoing.

Recruitment company requires kitchen assistants to assist chef and colleagues to prepare garnishes, assist kitchen porter and maintain standards in food preparation.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

032

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

041

Swydd/Job:

House keepers

Swydd/Job:

Waiting and Bar Staff

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff In line with full NMW Flexible to suit Ongoing Recruitment company requires house keepers to maintain high standards of cleanliness in bedrooms and floor areas.

Experience preffered but not essential. You must have a smart appearance, be polite and friendly and be able to manage own time and help others when required.

033

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff Bay £5 per hour Flexible to suit Ongoing New Brasserie/Bar/Caf* opening in November are looking to recruit waiting and bar staff.

Duties will include customer care, cash handling, taking orders, and food & drink delivery. Applicants should be enthusiastic, hardworking and passionate about food.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

040

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required Wei Mao, Journalism

Postgrad

BEST JOB: Working for an advertising company designing websites and writing slogans.

YunYun, Postgrad Journalism

BEST JOB: I work teaching Chinese.

WORST JOB: I spent a week as a clerk in the advertising department of a newspaper.

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff

Frazer Wilson, Postgrad Broadcast and Journalism BEST JOB: Working in a communication’s office for the council.

WORST JOB: Selling computers, it was a pressurised situation and I had to stretch the truth a bit.

Patrick Conn, 1st Year Marine Geography:

Worst Job: Temping on a trading estate, I only lasted a week!

Most Bizarre Job: Work experience in a vet’s practice in France-lots of squirting dog arteries, lovely.

■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Free Stuff

November 8 2004

Page 19

grcomps@yahoo.co.uk

"Somebody once said we never know what is enough until we know what's more than enough."

Billie Holiday.

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! MISSING TITLES, no competition questions, atrocious spelling, what design fuck-up can we expect from Shell this week? I can’t even use the excuse that I’m still learning anymore. Ah well, at least I have some humility about me.

On to greener pastures, the new Johnny film is out! What a beautiful film Finding Neverland is, so mesmerizing and heartfelt. It shows the diversity and talent of Johnny as an actor. He’s not just a sex puppet you know, he deserves your respect, especially with that soft Scottish accent. Yum. He will win the best actor Oscar this time, I assure you all; I will not watch the Oscars till five in the morning in vain this year.

Oh dear, it seems I have rambled on a bit too much. Back to the actual point of my page. I do have some amazing competitions coming up: free alcohol, computers, DVDs and film merchandise galore. So, write in people, either email me at the address at the top of the page or slip a note in my pigeon hole, fourth floor of the union. Good Luck.

It’s a Free Computer I DIDN’T think this competition needed any other introduction really. Yes people, I have a free computer to give away. It’s sitting next to me in the office, right now, ready to give away to one lucky person.

How good am I to all of you? I like to think of myself as a bit of a charity, helping us needy, poor, students so far away from our middle-class homes. Maybe I should register as a charity, or maybe I should contemplate that humility I was talking about earlier.

Anyway, I digress. Let me describe this beautiful shiny piece of electronic hardware for you all. This beast has an AMD Athlon XP 2500+ processor with 256Mb RAM and a 40Gb Hard Disk. Not to mention 64Mb Onboard Graphics, a 52x CDROM and 56K Fax Modem,a Floppy Disk Drive, 6x USB 2.0 Ports, 6 Channel Sound, 10/100 Mbit Network Card, 17" CRT Monitor, as well as the usual keyboard, mouse, speakers and Windows XP Home. Pretty damn good I am told.

This freebie is courtesy of Catapult Computers, a leading and innovative IT

and business solutions provider. Catapult deliver customised IT solu-

Best clwb ever FOR THOSE students who have yet to visit Clwb Ifor Bach on Womanby Street you are truly, truly missing out. Dubbed simply ‘the Welsh Club’ by us English lot who can’t pronounce the name, Clwb is one of the best venues I have ever had the fortune to visit. The bottom floor on a Wednesday night is absolutely legendary; they play classic soul until the early hours, without a single ounce of pretension that you can experience at other similar clubs.

Now, I’m giving you lucky people the chance to go to this fabulous place, for free! On Friday the 19th of November, breaks legends Koma & Bones will pay their first visit to Cardiff’s clubland, thanks to the fellas at SUMO. Supporting these lovely lads will be Chico Fresco & West One as well as Invisbl.

In room two, house music will be brought to you by ZeroZero, supported by Meehan & Huw and Gez O'Neill. This diverse range of styles means that there is something to be enjoyed by all at the clwb on a Friday night. The doors open at 10pm and the event will roll on till 4amjust the thing for you crazy late-night

drunkards to enjoy. Tickets are £7 in advance and can be brought from either our union box office or Catapult Records.

Visit www.clwb.net for more information.

Or you could simply email me and answer this amazingly easy question to win you a pair of tickets completely for free.

What two acts will be supporting Koma & Bones on Friday the 19th November in Clwb Ifor Bach? Enter in the usual way.

tions tailored for the home and business user. They have years of experience of system designing, building and deploymentdeveloping the right solution for you, on time and on budget. Their engineers are trained to the prestigious Microsoft Certified Systems Engineers (MCSE) level ensuring that you get the correct IT solution by a company that can prove its credentials. So we can assure you, you won’t end up with shoddy workmanship!

Their services include: Custom-built PCs, network design, installa-

tion and maintenance, IT solutions for small businesses, onsite tailored IT training and a year of free network maintenance. They also provide special student deals on PCs, which are heavily discounted from their normal package range.

To take a gander at the four models they have to choose from, as well as the student deals they currently have at the moment, go to: www.catapultsolutions.co.uk/deals or www.catapult-computers.co.uk/deals For a chance to win this fantastic prize all you have to do is answer this question.

I’m afraid it is not that easy, as it is such a fantastic prize. Shall I say it again? It’s a fantastic prize, so I’m going to have to make you work for it a little bit.

What six services do Catapult Computers provide? Yep people, I’m afraid you have to read the whole article. Enter in the usual way. Good Luck. * Picture for illustrative purposes only.

Radio one in our hall I CAN’T get over how many big competitions I have going at the moment, seriously. I was begging people to give me competitions at the beginning of the year, now I have competitions being thrown at me from all directions. It’s great, keep them coming is all I can say.

As part of Radio 1’s In New Music We Trust tour, Bethan and Huw from BBC Radio One in Wales have a two-week, six-date tour around the university towns of Wales.

They’ll be giving students the opportunity to see the kind of high calibre bands usually reserved for the major venue gigging circuits of England, while providing the cream of the

Freestylers: Walk in an intimidating fashion

up-and-coming Welsh talent with a platform.

The shows from Bangor and Aberystwyth will be broadcast live on Radio One’s ‘Beth and Huw Show’ (Thursdays 7.30pm-9pm), giving listeners across Wales a chance to tune in to the tour.

On Friday November 12th, Radio One will be visiting our Great Hall, featuring the Freestylers, who are soon to release their third album, ‘Raw as Fuck.’ The Freestylers’ sound is rooted in hip-hop but has evolved into a unique British concoction, taking in everything from dancehall to reggae, electro to soul and break beat to drum and bass.

Joining these break beat banditos will be Weapons Of Mass Belief (fronted by brother and sister JG and Georgia G from Penarth), and South Wales’ original hip-hop honchos, The Headcase Ladz.

Tickets to this fine event will be sold at the Students’ Union Box Office, but you can also call the Radio One Box Office on 01758 710011. But who needs to buy tickets when I have a pair to give away, along with a free CD of ‘Raw as Fuck’? All you need to do is answer this very easy question: Where do JG and Georgia G come from?

Enter in the usual way.

Media

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November 8 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Tabloid tales: angry celebrities and the At what point does the media become too intrusive? Media takes Will Conaghan Media Correspondant

T

he issue of privacy is becoming ever more important as the media grows at incredible speed and seem to dominate most areas of life.

There is no established right of privacy in the law of England and Wales. Fortunately for those worried about unwarranted intrusion into their private lives, the story does not end there.

It seems the privacy debate begins to rage when normally publicityobsessed celebrities launch legal action against the celebrity-obsessed media, for what they perceive as an invasion of their private life.

Earlier this year, supermodel Naomi Campbell won her case against the Daily Mirror, who had printed a story about her receiving counselling for drug addiction – accompanied by a photograph of her leaving a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

Miss Campbell had always maintained she was drug-free, unlike many in her profession, and it was agreed the paper was entitled to put the record straight. But the House of Lords ruled that the paper had overstepped the mark by reporting the details of her therapy, and especially in printing the

covertly-taken picture.

It was of little consolation to the Mirror that Lord Nicholls, one of the two Law Lords to have sided with the paper, said the extra detail and picture added ‘colour’ to a legitimate story and were therefore part of the journalistic package.

Despite being candid in describing this as a ‘privacy’ case, the Law Lords actually ruled that the newspaper had breached the law of confidence. The fact is Parliament, in the form of legislation, or the judges, by evolving the common law, are reluctant to create a new ‘tort’ – a civil wrong – of privacy.

What this leaves is an assortment of statutory powers such as the Human Rights Act 1988, the Data Protection Act 1998 or the Protection from Harassment Act 1997, existing common-law offences of trespass and nuisance, self-regulatory guidelines from the media and the traditional ‘out of court’ agreement, as tools for people wanting to bring an action

which, to all intent and purpose, may be a breach of their privacy.

So last year Sara Cox, Radio 1 DJ, was able to obtain an out-of-court settlement from The People, totalling £50,000 for herself and her husband, after the paper published photos of them sunbathing naked during their honeymoon on a private island in the Seychelles.

This may have been a particularly bitter pill for the newspaper to swallow, as they had already published a prominent apology after Cox originally complained to the Press Complaints Commission for what was a clear breach of their Code of Practice: ‘the use of long-lens photography to take pictures of people without their consent is unacceptable’.

M i s s Campbell also won her claim against the M i r ro r under the D a t a Protection Act 1998,

as the use of information about her therapy was deemed to be akin to publishing medical records and therefore ‘sensitive personal data’.

Harassment legislation was used by a police clerk to launch a claim against the Sun newspaper, who named her in a story in which two police sergeants were demoted after supposedly making remarks about an asylum seeker. A further article and a series of comments on the ‘Sun Letters’ page were published and she received hate mail, forcing her to leave her employment. But it is under the umbrella of ‘confidence’ which this quasi-privacy law has flourished.

The foundations of the law can be traced to a court case more than 150 years ago when Prince Albert won an injunction to prevent drawings by himself and his wife, Queen Victoria, from being distributed.

According to Joshua Rosenberg’s book Privacy and the Press, lawyers regard this as a major step on the road towards the ‘law of confidence.’ To establish a breach of confidence, the claimant needs to show that confidential information, which the defendant knew or ought to have known was confidential, had been disseminated without his or her consent and to their detriment.

This judge-made law has since

been moulded in order for it to be used by those looking to protect their right of privacy, although the decision of the Lords in Campbell’s case may have seen it stretched far enough, leaving little to distinguish the remit of the law of confidence and what would be a direct privacy law.

Following the Campbell judgement, the then-editor of the Daily Mirror, Piers Morgan, said it was a "good day for lying, drugabusing prima donnas," and described the ruling as a "back door privacy law." Maybe he should have kept his powder dry as only weeks later the European Court of Human Rights decided photographs of Princess Caroline of Monaco going about daily activities, such as shopping or eating out in public places, fell within her private life. It unanimously held the pictures were a violation of Article 8 of the Convention on Human Rights ‘a right to respect for family and private life’ - and that German law was not sufficient to protect this right.

The ruling obviously sent shudders down the collective spine of the celebrity magazines and tabloid papers and not just in Germany where the photographs were published, because that decision must be ‘taken into account’ under section 2 of the Human

Xpress Radio’s Programming Schedule Don’t miss out on anything that Xpress Radio has to offer

Media

November 8 2004

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grmedia@cf.ac.uk

freedom of the press a stab at the press, and the ‘stalkerazzi’ Rights Act 1998 which came into force in the UK in October 2000.

Would celebrity ‘X’ being pictured on her weekly shop have an action if the national courts fail to provide an appropriate remedy for a breach of her privacy?

As it stands, it is unlikely that the law in England and Wales would adequately protect the privacy of celebrity ‘X’ if we follow the jurisprudence of Strasbourg.

Rosenberg wrote that, since the courts of the UK were required under the Human Rights Act to take into account the judgement of Strasbourg, it would be a ‘worrying precedent if Princess Caroline were to win.’ Well, she has won, and the German government refused to appeal, despite forceful representations from its own press as well as the media in Britain, so where does that leave the law now?

At this point it should be remembered that the media is not without powerful safeguards from claims made against them. Article 10(1) of the ECHR gives a right to ‘Freedom of Expression’ despite a list of caveats in Article 10(2) restricting that right for reasons such as prevention of disorder or national security.

Section 12 (4) of the Human Rights Act should also prove a power-

ful ally directing the court to have ‘particular regard’ to freedom of expression with special reference to journalistic material. It is then up to the court to carry out a balancing exercise deciding whether the need to publish, therefore free speech, outweighs the right of a person to keep

“the public interest is not the same as what is of interest to the public” matters private.

It is said a picture paints a thousand words and it appears the courts take a particular dislike to the publication of photographs when not in the public interest and without consent.

It was the surreptitious pictures of Miss Campbell leaving her Narcotics Anonymous meeting which swung the case in her favour.

Another example being Jamie Theakston, who secured an injunction preventing publication of pictures of

him in a brothel, despite the court allowing the written account of his sexual exploits with a prostitute to go ahead.

Unfortunately for the press, photographs may only be a starting point with some media commentators predicting tougher times ahead. Barrister Matthew Nicklin believes that: "Next in the firing line will be the familiar ‘kiss and tell’ stories. It is difficult to imagine revelations about the sexual conquests and prowess of celebrities and similar trivialities … to be anything other than unjustifiable invasions of privacy from now on," If the intrusion into a person’s private life is to satisfy the curiosity of their readership without contributing to any debate of public interest then it is likely the story will fall foul of the law.

The media must remember that what is in the public interest is not necessarily the same as what is of interest to the public. How will our judiciary interpret the findings of the Human Rights Court? Is there enough elasticity left in the law of confidence to avoid the judges creating a direct privacy law?

Over to you Mr Beckham, Ms Paltrow, et al.

The Times broadsheet: A fond farewell from a fan Alys Southwood Opinions and Editorial Editor

O

of course.

Growing up in Hong Kong we received the Sunday Times every Tuesday, and it forged my idea of that which is British - for me it was on a parallel with the BBC and the Queen.

Since I moved to Britain four years ago I’ve faithfully continued to buy The Times every day. To change it seems sacrilegious.

With the passing of the broadsheet Times, so goes a little piece of my childhood. There is a gap in my world. Sad, but true.

RIP

n Saturday 31 October The Times was printed in broadsheet format for the last time. Although the Sunday Times will continue to be printed in its traditional size, from Monday through to Saturday only compact editions will be available.

Of course, for ‘compact’ read ‘tabloid sized’. And why buy a broadsheet that looks like a tabloid? One of the greatest delights in reading the Times was spreading it out on the table to read. It wasn’t easy to read on the go: you had to find a time and a place and absorb yourself in the newspaper. It was an activity in and of itself, rather than a trivial diversion.

The old Times was perfect for guaranteeing yourself a little tranquil island of space on the trains no-one can penetrate the impromptu tent provided by a broadsheet. You can hardly barricade yourself away from the world with the flimsy compact edition.

I refuse to buy the Guardian, mostly because my father, a born-again Tory, would disown me if he caught me reading that “treehugging, hippy-loving crap” - I quote directly, MURDOCH: Media mogul extraordinaire

Five Minute Fun

Page 22

November 8 2004

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

The Big Quiz* * No animals were harmed during the making of this quiz, but Jim squashed a few insects

1. How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?

A: Just one, as long as it’s in Splott B: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind C: Depends if he’s pre or post-op D: 74.91 E: Any of the above 2. Why have none of you bastards emailed me yet, with offers of help, cake, sex, etc?

A: Because you’ve got much better things to do (as if)

3. After his love bites last week, we thought things couldn’t get any worse for editor Gar y. But what did he do this week to embarass himself further?

A: Wore his hideous Exeter City shir t out in public B: Expressed his suppor t for George Bush C: Failed to think of a better question to go in this space 4. If you post a letter first class how long does it take to arrive?

A: One day B: One week C: Never. It just festers on the post office floor along with your loan cheque application.

WOULD YOU RATHER...?

It’s quite simple really, just decide which of the following options would be most preferable.

Oh yeah, the third option is DIE, horribly.

A) Vote for George Bush B) Have sex with George Bush A) Be 1 metre taller B) Be 1 metre shor ter A) Be the giver B) Be the taker A) Do some work

Annsummers: 1.E; 2.D; 3.A & C; 4.C

?

B: Because, on the basis of what you’ve read here, you’re too scared to come up to the gair rhydd office C: Because this page doesn’t actually make it to print, and it’s all a big conspiracy against me D: None of the above

B) Ponder over meaningless dilemnas

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Well here I am, struggling to think of meaningless crap to write in this space. So far it’s been a long week, and it’s only Wednesday. My inbox is utterly void of correspondence again. Rubbish. Somebody, somewhere must have something that they’re desperate to see in print. Steve Fung, or should that be Bollywood star ‘Patrick Makanwalla’, consider yourself the winner of last week’s crossword. Please come up to the gair rhydd office to collect your prize. On a separate note, TV Willy is dancing round the office singing ‘Gary’s got a lovely bunch of coconuts’ - time for me to leave....

Sarah

in the event of a tie: If you were a pair of celebrity pants, whose pants would you be, and why?

Six Degrees of...

1O

2

O

3

O

4O

5

O

6

O

Go on, try it. What’s the worst that could happen? Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in. No prizes are given for being a smartarse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Whose Pants?:_____________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: Catherine Zeta Jones to Tom Hanks (The Terminal) to Meg Ryan (Sleepless in Seattle) to Nicolas Cage (City of Angels) to John Travolta (Face Off) to Halle Berry (Swordfish)

Television

Novemeber 8 - 14 2004

Page 23

nice@lovely.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV Nov 1st-Nov 7th

Nice to see you, to see you nice!!

It’s a Real Brucie Bonus This Week as Mr Forsyth Asks Us To Strictly Come Dancing!

HOT

Cliff Richard: Our Cliff has just returned with a new char t-topping album. We have been dancing around the office to Sir Cliff’s latest tunes. Catch him in concert next year. But hurry up, tickets will be going like hot cakes! This is one Cliff you’ll want to hang on

SOAPS Soap’s Mr Nasty, Den Watts, is back!!! And meaner than ever! In Eastenders (Friday 8pm) there’s an hour special as Dirty Denzil returns to the square after spending a few months sunning himself in the Costa Del Sol. Alright for some, eh?

No doubt he’ll be turning the town topsy-turvy with his cruel tongue, so tune in all next week to see what antics Sharon and co get up to trying to dodge his wicked ways.

It’s Cer-den to be thrilling!

Elsewhere in Walford, the terrible teen Stacey is wreaking her own havoc, by winding up the delightful Zoe and getting on Gary’s goat.

There’s gonna be fireworks in the square this week

Don’t Miss it!!!!

Bruce said “Are you dancing?” and we here at TV Desk said “Are you asking? Then we sure are dancing!” - and so could you! Just take you partner by the hand and waltz on over to BBC2 for Strictly Come Dancing (Friday, 6.30pm) - it’s the heartwarming, entertaining ratings winner of the year - just foxtrot on down in front of the telly - and you’ll be dancing the night away with Bruce and co! Not to be missed!!!

It’s so nice to have a lovely warm feeling on the TV Desk this week.

It’s been a laugh-a-minute and gagsa-plenty I can tell you! I’m aching from the incessant, irrepressable, irreverent comedy displayed this week and I hope you are too! If only every week could be like this one, but alas I fear not.

On with this week’s pesky picks.

Peter Kay’s new series, Max & Paddy’s Road to Nowhere (Friday 10.30pm, S4C) should be a real ribtickler, with enough laughs to have you needing to call your local docter with split sides! A veritable feast of raucous comedy genius I can assure you! Now do be wary of the risque nature of some of the jokes, as I do not want to be hailed as leading you into temptation and offending you, but if you think you can handle it, then please try out this tale of comedy hi-jinx. Not to be missed!!!

My next pick must surely be What the Victorians Did for Us (Wednesday 1.10pm, BBC2) since this valua b l e insight i n t o

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL TV Hunk Tim Lovejoy knows his footy, and now has his own show!

With chit-chat and guests galore, this hi-octane variety show is one for terrible teens and the young-at-heart alike! This week’s special guests are bad boys of rap, Goldie Looking Chain and The Little Rascals, footy hunk Frank Lampard and TV funnyman Johnny Vegas with his northern brand of laugh-a-minute humour.

Expect gags-a-plenty and bag-fulls of laddish pranks!

The fun starts at 10pm on Wednesday and last for one hour, so don’t miss it! You have been warned!!!

Elsewhere on cable, there’s the wonderful X Factor: Xcess All Areas with the ever-festive Ben Sheppard, with incisive looks into the heart of what makes TV’s Mr Nasty, Simon Cowell, and fellow juges Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne tick, and what keeps all the acts in the show together and not lose their nerve on the big night! The fun starts at 9pm on Friday

the past can only prove to show us that life back then was sweeter, and we would do well to listen to the voices of the past. Including such innovations as the native-prod, tartan skirt and development of the goth scene, this show will be more of an education to you than any other show this week. If Victor taught us anything about being a good person it will be shown in this programme. You would do well to listen hard and heed the advice. Not to be missed!!!

TV John: A heartwarming whodunnit for budding Sherlock Holmes of all ages continues it’s jaunt on ITV1

this week. Rosemary and Thyme (9pm, Friday) stars the crime fighting twosome, the delightful Pam Ferris and the ever-festive Felicity Kendal, as the gals with green fingers who catch the crooks red handed. This week the weeds strike back! Rose n’ Thyme find themselves in a diseased garden with a mysterious death on their hands.

Ooo-er Missus! Hope it’s not a dose of deadly nightshade! Baffle your friends and see who can unearth the shady characters first! This tense thrill-a-minute espionage ratings winner is a must for all the family! Not to be missed!!!

Another sure-fire ratings winner this week is the acclaimed Asian comedy chat-show; The Kumars at No.42 (Monday, 9.30). Apparently this stars an irrerevent fellow named Sanjeev Bhaskar who hosts a chat show from his front-room in front of the watchful eye of his family. Sounds touching. Although it obviously won’t be a patch on our Parky.

Not to be missed!!!

On a less positive note, this week, Channel 4 brings us Peep Show (Friday, 10pm). This dowdry sitcom set in the council estates of London is said to be a roar of laughs but, here at TV desk we just can’t see it really.

So, that’s it for another dull week at TV desk. Remember to pop your suggestions for improvements to our pages in the post and we will endeavour to do all we can to make TV Desk the best it can be. That’s all folks.

TV Desk - “Not to be

DVDS TO RENT/BUY

NOT

Eminem: Bad Boy of Rap Eminem, AKA Mike Marthers has once again proved to be nothing more than a potty-mouthed bully boy. His latest song, a cruel attack on chart-topping King of Pop, Michael Jackson, on his new single, Real Sllim Baby, is nothing short of namecalling!

SPORT The gentelemen’s game once again returns to our screens in the form of Wales vs South Africa (Sat, BBC1, 2.15). Let’s hope the dragons are roaring for victory in Cardiff this weekend, so grab your scarf and cheer on Johnny Wilkinson and co as they run for goal!

FILMS Our Hugh is on the box again this week, as his adaptation of Nick Hornby’s About a Boy gets it’s telly premiere! The heartwarming, cheeky tale of a young scamp and his unlikely (but not unlucky!!!) friendship with Hugh, is sure to get you laughing and crying at the same time, so get your hankies ready! (Wednesday 9pm, ITV1)

RADIO

Crash, bang, wallop!!

Archingly Good!

A treat for the lads out there this week as the irrepressible Jeremy Clarkson brings us another hi-octane gag-filled collection of stunts, smashes and state-of-the-art shocks. Jeremy Clarkson’s Hot Metal is a perfect stocking filler for all the hell-raising little boy racers in your family!

It’s all hands on deck in The Archers this week, as the Ambridge production of Chas Dickens’ A Christmas Carol takes full flight!

Poor Lynda has to take full control, as well as keeping the Cat and Fiddle on the mend and the sponsored swim, it’s no wonder she’s tired, the poor dear!

Lucky that the delightful little Jenny Aldridge is always there to lend a helping hand. What a heart of gold she truly has! She’s the pride of England! This week she organises a surprise birthday party for the irrepressable Peggy, completely with balloons, cake and all sorts of goodies! Alright for some, eh?

Check out all the fun and frolics in the heartwarming rural soap every night on Radio 4 at 7pm.

Miss it at your peril!!!!

It’s Jim Up North!

The risque, ever-festive, TV funnyman is back, and he’s saucier than ever! In his new live show from Bradford’s King George Hall, Jim lets rip into a variety of laugh a minute routines about everything from mother-in-laws to his ex-wives. Gags-a-plenty in this laugh-a-minute bonanza!!

Monday

Page 24

November 8 - 14 2004

tooposhtoswear@spiffingTV.com

The Charge of The Light Brigade C4 1.35am

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The SaveUms! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First... 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 High School Reunion 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: Columbo: Any Old Port in a Storm *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news Featuring a favourite of the boys; Kirsty Young. Catch up with the latest news and hi-jinx.

19.30 When Trains Crash 20.30 Fifth Gear Featuring housewives’ favourite Tiff Needell. This week Tiff goes to extraordinary lengths to test safety measures. Get those engines turned on!

21.00 Bodies Out of Control - Extraordinary 22.00 The Curse of Noel Edmonds Ah, Noel was a legend in his day. Do you remember the bit on Noel’s House Party when the kids came on and revealed things about their parents, and got to win whatever they wanted, and it was always a Mega Drive, an enormous dolls house with all the trimmings or a mountain bike? I always wanted the Mega Drive and all I got was a stinking Master System. 23.05 Boxing Academy 00.05 Lexx 00.50 Tasteful TV 01.15 NBA Action 01.40 NFL Live: New York Jets v Miami Dolphins 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 Angel Who 11.45 ER 12.45 Scrubs 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil The irrepresible doctor dishes out some more advice to keen audience members. That’s the right medicine for them! 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Futurama 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Battlestar Galactica 21.00 Long Way Round More irrerevant tittle-tattle from Hollywood thespian Ewan McGregor.

22.00 Toughest Seaside Resorts in Britain 23.00 Deadwood 00.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.10 Shock Treatment 02.05 Angel 03.00 ER Programme about an Englishman lost for words.

03.55 The Sharon Osbourne Show 04.45 Zoids 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon .

14.00 Less Than Perfect 14.30 One Tree Hill 15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks Awwww, I can’t believe Bombhead weed himself the other day. I nearly cried! And now we think his Mum’s actually dead and awww, I just wanna pick him up and squeeze him and tell him everything will be ok and that he’s actually got quite a nice body. And does he fancy a shag? Sorry, too much information.17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 The OC Ok, so now everyone’s jumping on the whole request saga. My housemate Danni, that’s DANNI, would like me to write something about The OC. So here we go chicken: The OC: a programme about people who know each other, doing stuff, in a country. 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The OC 22.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 22.30 Bo' Selecta!

23.00 Without a Trace 00.00 Hollyoaks 00.30 The OC 01.20 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 01.45 Bo' Selecta! The irrepresible intruder we had earlier, let’s hope she stays away.

As S4C except: 08.50 Nikki 09.20 Water Stories Argh, she’s back!! 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Third Watch 13.50 Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman 14.45 The Courtroom 15.15 Countdown The irrepresible Richard Whiteley puzzles us with more conundrums and letter puzzles. He is joined, as ever, by the maths-wizard Carol Vorderman. 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: Hairy Driving Like children these days.

They drive around like they own the place. 20.00 The Haven 21.00 Monarchy with David Starkey: Dynasty 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 The Sopranos 00.10 Made in Britain: The Germans Are Better Than Us Touching documentary about German social customs that have filtered thorugh to Britain.

00.40 The Other Band of Brothers: Execution on the Home Front 01.35 FILM: The Charge of the Light Brigade Oh, super! A positively excellent film.

03.50 Palindrome Featuring the formerly irrepresible Michael Palin.

M I T E M

P R I M E T I M E

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.50 Frasier 09.15 What's in a Word? 09.30 Chancers 09.55 What's This Channel 4? 10.20 Life Stuff: Consumer Power Chocolate 10.45 Gift of the Gab 11.05 Tate Modern 11.10 Looking After the Penneys 11.35 Holiday Maker 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Pentre Bach 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 14.45 Time to Get Your House in Order!

15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Dan Datrys 16.25 OFN 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Simpsons Wow, even S4C gets The Simpsons. Spiffing.

18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 I’m afraid my dear friends, what-ho, I can’t read Welsh, but I’m sure this programme is super and utterly riveting.

19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Ffermio Again, surely another delightful programme, I’m certain of it.

So certain in fact, I’d eat my wax jacket if it isn’t super.

21.00 Cefn Gwlad 21.30 Sgorio 22.35 Y Clwb Rygbi 23.05 Monarchy with David Starkey: Dynasty 00.05 Without a Trace 01.00 FILM: Raaz With Bipasha Basu and Dino Morea. (Thriller, 2002) Directed by Vikram Bhatt. ** 04.00 Extra 3 04.25 Alice through the Looking Glass 04.50 Handmade 2 04.55 Dottie and Buzz 05.05 China 05.20 Famous People 05.35 Star Maths 2 05.45 The Blue Dragon Time for elevenses.

E

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Too Many Cooks 14.00 House Price Challenge 14.30 Tricks of the Trade 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Pet Alien 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Steve is in dire straits when Blanche spills the beans to Karen. What, in the crooning three-chorded rock band? Claire helps Ashley to lay his guilt to rest. Sally gives Kevin earache about an unexpected visitor. Golly, isn’t Corrie lovely at the moment? Really touching.

21.00 Lawless 22.30 ITV News 23.00 2DTV Brand new series of the award-winning animated satirical show, with lots of new characters including the Roonstones with Wayne and Coleen, Gordon Ramsay, and Paula Radcliffe. Oh this is truly super, it really is. Chuffing.

23.25 Ben Elton's Orange Playlist 23.55 The Jules and Lulu Show 00.20 Champions League Weekly 00.50 Finding Neverland - British Premiere 01.15 Building the Dream 01.40 Moving Day 02.05 Trisha 02.55 Everything Must Go 03.20 Entertainment Now! 03.45 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.15 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

P R I M E T I M E

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael Time for an advert for Xpress Radio. Xpress Goes Acoustic on Tuesday night in the Taf, from 9. Be there or be a llyfwr ffenestri brwnt.

17.30 Judge Judy 18.30 Jerry Springer 19.15 Dancing in the Street 19.30 Champions League 20.00 Airline 20.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 21.00 FILM: Dante's Peak . *** Starring suave lothario Pierce Brosnan in a role that pits him against natures most immovable object. A volcano!.

23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Coronation Street 00.00 The Frank Skinner Show 00.50 Jerry Springer 01.35 Late Show with David Letterman 02.20 Teleshopping 04.20 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

ITV1 4pm

I

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Rubbadubbers 08.40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 The Roly Mo Show 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Sergeant Stripes 10.10 Yoho Ahoy 10.15 Bob the Builder 10.30 Science Clips 10.40 The Maths Channel 10.50 English Express 11.20 See You, See Me 11.40 See You, See Me 12.00 See You, See Me 12.20 Trade Secrets 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 FILM: Days of Glory *** 15.00 The Winter Flying Gardener No longer just the flying gardener, but the Winter Flying Gardener! Adorned in gloves and a Rupert the Bear wooly scarf, Mr Gardener shows us how best to trim mistletoe, where to plant your primrose bulbs and when to plant your daffs. 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19.00 Britain's Best Buildings: Hardwick Hall 20.00 Mastermind 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Dead Ringers 21.30 The Kumars at No 42 Featuring Tom Jones and Jools Holland.

Splendid. Superdooper.

What-ho.

22.00 Monkey Dust 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Top Gear 00.20 Joins BBC News 24 01.00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Buongiorno Italia! 1-20

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Summer Shocks Wank 20.00 Trauma Pants 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Helena Christensen: Behind the Lens 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Brothel 01.00 Brothel 01.30 Helena Christensen: Behind the Lens More form the irrepresible model.

02.25 Inner Spaces 02.55 Liquid Assets Oh dear BBC Three. You really aren’t on spiffing form at the moment are you? I remember a time when the BBC was the backbone of the nation and saw us through two world wars, one World Cup and the time when the cornershop ran out of tinned spam.

Now writing TV listings for gair rhydd - that’s a proper job. I was so incensed with the lack of gardening programmes that Charles had to restrain me from saying the D-word.

BBC2 3pm

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Beat the Burglar 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Houses Behaving Badly 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 15.05 Animal Park: Young Blood 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Pui's Explore Monday: Tots TV 15.35 Boo! 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.30 In 2 Minds 16.55 Blue Peter 17.20 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Svetlanka returns to manipulate Serena. Sky challenges Stingray to come off his medication. Stuart and Olivia succumb to their mutual attraction. Oh how delightful!

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Holiday 2005 19.30 X-Ray 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Spooks 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Traffic Cops: After Dark 23.05 Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time 23.35 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross Renee Zellweger and Hugh Grant discuss Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason and Charles Dance talks about his first film as director. Charles Dance lives in my home town. Mum always sees him in Boots. Apparently he’s a jolly nice fellow. Yar. 00.05 FILM: A Very Brady Sequel With Shelley Long and Gary Cole. (Comedy, 1996) 01.35 Sign Zone: Country House 02.05 Sign Zone: Himalaya with Michael Palin 03.05 Sign Zone: ONE Life 03.45 Joins BBC News 24

The winter flying gardener All Grown Up!

R

BBC1 various times

P

News and weather

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! 029 20 229977

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Tuesday

November 8 - 14 2004

Page 25

hioctanegags@tvdeskfunnymen.com

Countdown

BBC2 10.50am

C4 3.15pm

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Ask a Silly Question 19.00 Jerry Springer This is real tripe, how did this man get a job? 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 FILM: Never Been Kissed With Drew Barrymore and David Arquette. (Comedy, 1999) Directed by Raja Gosnell. **22.00 Dolce and Kabbalah: Celebrities Exposed 23.00 The Frank Skinner Show 23.55 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.25 Jerry Springer 01.10 Late Show with David Letterman 02.00 Teleshopping 04.00 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Too Many Cooks 14.00 House Price Challenge 14.30 Tricks of the Trade Ooh, I’ve got one for you students: if your Yorkshire Puddings just aren’t rising, add a tspn of flour and water to the centre of the pudding and watch as they rise!! 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Fun Song Factory 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Pet Alien 16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 My Parents are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show Is this the fellow who dresses as that hideous Savage thing? I think he looks quite respectable as a man, why must he damage himself so?

18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 The Ferret 20.00 Package Holiday Undercover Oh these Godawful package holiday things do make me cringe. All that alcohol mixed with sun lethal. My children will certainly not be going on a holiday of this kind when they’re teenagers.

21.00 Lawless Conclusion.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: Out to Sea With Jack Lemmon and Dyan Cannon.

(Comedy, 1997) Directed by Martha Coolidge.*** I do love Jack Lemmon, especially in Some Like It Hot. Wasn’t he saucy!! 01.00 CD:UK Hotshots 01.25 REM in Profile 01.50 Grounded for Life 02.10 Take the Mike 02.40 The Paul O'Grady Show 03.25 Trisha 04.25 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News You should be in bed you scalliwags.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 Angel 11.45 ER 12.45 Scrubs 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Futurama 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stargate Atlantis 22.00 Deadwood 23.15 Cold Case 00.15 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.15 Gamezville 02.10 Angel 03.05 ER 03.55 The Sharon Osbourne Show 04.45 Batman 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon Well my friends, I have enjoyed my time with you.

You must let me know if things get out of hand again, I’m always...

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.55 Frasier 09.20 Home Sweet Home 09.30 Chancers 09.55 What's This Channel 4?

10.20 Life Stuff: Consumer Power 10.45 Gift of the Gab 11.05 Tate Modern 11.10 Looking After the Penneys Is this a misprint or can these people just not spell? Spelling and grammar these days appalls me, it really does. 11.35 Bobinogi 11.50 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Clwb Clebr 13.05 Caio 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun 14.45 Beyond River Cottage 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Clwb Winx 16.30 Mona y Fampir 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy Judy is looking old these days. Did you see that scarf she was wearing last week though? It was jolly pretty, all pinks and purples.

Think it must be M&S. 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Y Byd ar Bedwar 21.00 Y Normaniaid 22.00 Talcen Caled 22.55 Teachers 23.55 The West Wing 00.50 The Haven 01.50 Third Watch 02.40 KOTV Classics 04.00 Extra 3 04.25 Poetry by Numbers CAN’T YOU SEE WHAT THIS WOMAN IS DOING TO TV DESK?!!! HELP ME, SHE’S RESTRAINING ME WITH HER GANG OF CORGIES! Ow, you bastards, get down! 4.55 Dottie and Buzz 05.05 China 05.20 Famous People 05.35 Star Maths 2 05.45 Natural Inventions Buzz off you vulgar people, children could read this

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamoloo 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The Save-Ums! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First...

09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor Gosh I must watch this, I’ve got dreadful pains in my legs. Anne insists it’s sciatica, but I’m not too sure. Took the dogs out on Saturday, you see, and when I bent over to scoop the poop, something clicked. 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 High School Reunion 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: Disaster on the Coastliner * 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 Animal Nightmares Rats Nigel Marven tries to conquer his fear of rats by getting closer to the muchmaligned rodent. Ugh, rats are vulgar. Jim found one in the garage. Needless to say we got the carving knife out!

21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.55 Cosmetic Surgery: Fantasy Bodies Vanessa Feltz Well, I’d hardly say Vanessa Feltz is an apt host for this, would you?

Audrey Hepburn, now there’s a fantasy body. 00.00 Arrest and Trial 00.20 Arrest and Trial 00.45 NBA Basketball Live: New Orleans Hornets v LA Lakers 03.30 NASCAR Busch Series: Bashas' Supermarkets 200 04.20 US Major League Soccer Play-Offs: Columbus Crew v New England Revolution

...available (unless it’s Tuesday lunch when I’m out with Babs, or on Saturdays for the coffee morning or when I’m riding or judging the Flower and Garden Show next Sunday.) I must dash to pick up Jemima from the nursery and young Rupert from his piano lesson. He’s doing his Grade 4 next month! The Radio Times is far more erudite than this twosh; no obsenities. 14.00 Less Than Perfect 14.30 One Tree Hill 15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 The Services 22.30 Father Ted 23.05 Fool Around... with My Boyfriend 00.05 Hollyoaks 00.35 The West Wing 01.25 The Services 01.55 Father Ted 02.25 Fool Around... with My Boyfriend 03.25 Less Than Perfect Toodle-loo dears!

As S4C except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 06.05 Party Animals 08.55 Nikki 09.20 Grudge Match 11.35 The Business: Yo! 12.30 Escaping Home: Aram's Story 12.35 Cheers 13.00 Third Watch 13.50 Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman The delightful Dr Quinn dishes out another dose of drama. 14.45 The Courtroom 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: City Paradise 20.00 Selling Houses Revisited 20.30 Time to Get Your House in Order!

21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 Teachers 23.10 Ban This Filth 23.40 John Peel's Sounds of the Suburbs 00.10 FILM: The Contender With Joan Allen and Gary Oldman. (Thriller, 2000) 02.25 Nip/Tuck 03.25 The Porsche Carrera Cup 03.50 Shin Gi Tai

P R I M E T I M E

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 There's A Viking in My Bed 07.05 Tom 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Rubbadubbers 08.40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 The Roly Mo Show 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Sergeant Stripes 10.10 Yoho Ahoy 10.15 Bob the Builder 10.30 Bobinogs 10.40 The Maths Channel 10.50 Primary Geography 11.00 Around Scotland 11.20 Trade Secrets 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Off for lunch with Barbara now. Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Gardening with the Experts Hopefully the dashing Alan Titchmarsh will make an appearance today. I’ve just finished reading his latest book. It really was rather raunchy! 14.00 am.pm 15.00 The Winter Flying Gardener 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link The ghastly Anne Robinson hosts this tedious quiz show.

18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19.00 Map Man: Greenville Collins 19.30 Jamie Owen's Magic Harbours 20.00 Gardens through Time Splendid.

21.00 Who Do You Think You Are? 22.00 The Smoking Room 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Undercover World: The Dolphin Hunters 23.50 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Mark Steel Lecture 00.20 FILM: If These Walls Could Talk 2 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: AS Guru: English 1 04.00 AS Guru: English 2

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Nasty Niffs Dr John Marsden presents a series examining the effects of various substances on the body.

Today, he delves into the world of body odour, taking a closer look at flatulence, bad breath and smelly sweat. Oh dear, what a ghastly programme!

20.00 Trauma 20.30 Brand New Little Angels This reminds me of my children! Little Jemima swam 25m on Friday - the first in her class to do so!

21.00 New Little Britain 21.30 My Life in Film 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 The Graham Norton Effect 23.45 Brothel: The Graduate 00.15 Brothel Oh golly, I hope this isn’t what I think it is. 00.45 Helena Christensen: Behind the Lens 01.45 Liquid Assets: J-Lo's Millions 02.40 Outrageous Fortunes

Primary Geography

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Beat the Burglar 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Houses Behaving Badly 12.15 Bargain Hunt I watched this before feeding the horses yesterday. Not at all bad. 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Sid's Fix It Tuesday: Bob the Builder 15.35 Little Robots 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Mona the Vampire 16.35 Shoebox Zoo 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround Topical news programme for children. It really is ever so good. my Rupert loves it so. 17.35 Neighbours Jack is tempted to go back to his partying ways, the little scoundrel.

Max is charmed by Caleb's father. Stingray decides its time to come off his medication.

Good lad, drugs are the spurge of the devil.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Some of the filth in this these days, it’s dispicable.

20.00 Holby City 21.00 Space Odyssey: Voyage to the Planets Fascinating documentary about the possibility of a manned mission around the solar system.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life: Eton and Harrow's Cold War 23.45 FILM: Broadcast News With Holly Hunter and William Hurt.

(Romantic Comedy, 1987) **** 02.10 Sign Zone: Horizon 03.00 Sign Zone: A Year at Kew

Gardening with the experts

BBC2 8pm

PRIMETIME

BBC1 3am

P R I M E T I M E

A Year At Kew

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Wednesday

Page 26

November 8 - 14 2004

gangly_andy@weightgain4000.ac.uk

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha gives us more incitful, lifechanging tips on how to live our lives. Today, Sharon is transformed by her wise words.

15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show 16.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.00 The X Factor 19.15 The X Factor Result 20.00 Footie, Bling and Babes: Celebrities Exposed 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show Funnyman Frank provides us with more hilarious anecdotes and rib ticklers. The world is a better place with a man like Frank calling the humourous shots! 23.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.50 Late Show with David Letterman More irreverent comedy from the cheeky little scamp. 01.35 The John Walsh Show 02.20 Teleshopping 04.20 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Cheeky!

PRIMETIME

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Too Many Cooks 14.00 House Price Challenge 14.30 Tricks of the Trade 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends A lovely, nice, Godly cartoon. 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Pet Alien 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents are Aliens 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Bill 21.00 FILM: About a Boy With Hugh Grant and Toni Collette. (Romantic Comedy, 2002) *** 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: About a Boy With Hugh Grant and Toni Collette.

(Romantic Comedy, 2002) Conclusion of tonight's film. *** 23.35 Carling Cup Highlights 00.40 FILM: Divided

by Hate With Dylan Walsh and Andrea Roth. (Thriller, 1996) Rural thriller about a poor farmer who looks for guidance from a travelling reverend, only to find his family becoming the brainwashed victims of a fanatical cult. Along with the rest of his small community, the farmer had hoped that the man of God might deliver them from the tough times ahead, but the reverend's fanaticism serves only to divide and enrage the community. *** 02.15 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 Riproaring action from the world of this ‘sport’. 03.10 Riders and Rich Kids 03.35 World Sport 04.00 Motorsport UK 04.25 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.00 Dr Phil The big-man of the medical world serves up another dose of irrefutable medical advice. Just what the doctor ordered! 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 Angel 11.45 ER 12.45 Scrubs 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil The big-man of the medical world serves up another dose of irrefutable medical advice. Just what the doctor ordered! 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Futurama 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons Everyone’s favourite family offer up more hilarious gags. 20.00 TV Meltdown 21.00 Shock Treatment 22.00 Tim Lovejoy and the Allstars 23.00 Mile High 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Gamezville 01.50 Angel Life changing moments from evangelicals across the country, myself included. 02.40 ER 03.30 The Sharon Osbourne Show 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.55 my city: edinburgh 09.00 Life Stuff: This Teen Life 09.50 Do Fish Fart? 10.15 Arrows of Desire That cheeky chappy Cupid tries to match up people in this worthwhile televisual feast. 10.40 Life Stuff: Consumer Power - Mobile Phones 11.05 The English Programme as it should be on S4C. 11.25 National Gallery 11.30 Bitesize Bioleg 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Bws Parti 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun 14.45 No Going Back: Chaos at the Castle 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Traed Moch 16.30 Popty Bach 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Dudley The veritable chef cooks up more lovely treats for you to try out.

21.00 04 Wal 21.30 Property Ladder A property programme aiming to place people closer to God. I’ve been trying all my life but I can’t seem to find a house tall enough.

22.30 Nip/Tuck 23.30 Six Feet Under 00.30 John Peel's Sounds of the Suburbs 01.00 Ban This Filth This programme has already succeeded in censoring the TV Desk but the question is, who will be next? 01.30 Line Of Fire 02.30 FILM: Mani Ratnam Presents: Ayirathil Oruvan With J Jayalalitha and M S Manohar.

(Drama, 1965) ** Another elegant film from the delectable depth of the Indian film industry.

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Little Angels 20.10 FILM: Stargate With Kurt Russell and James Spader. (Science Fiction, 1994) *** 22.00 Bodies 23.00 Band Aid: The Record that Rocked the World 00.00 Brothel 00.30 Brothel 01.00 Ruby Does the Business 01.55 Casino 02.55 Brothel 03.25 Brothel I was wandering along beside the haven of Cathays park the other day when I was hit by an epiphany. God spoke to me and told me of the error of my ways and, I can sincerely say, changed the way I feel about life in general. All of my cynicism was washed away in that singular moment and i have managed to relay this change onto the TV Desk. I praise the Lord every day because now I understand the truth behind our televison programmes and feel it is my duty to reveal this truth to you, the reader. I feel I must spread my love across Cardiff and through these very pages I will gain key steps towards this goal. I hope you can support me in my new journey through life. The path is truly scattered with trials.

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Rubbadubbers 08.40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox What a happy, go-lucky cartoon.

If all children grow up watching these types of shows they’ll surely bow to all forms of authority. Exactly what the country needs. Thankfully, TV Desk is not bowing under such pressure.

08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 The Roly Mo Show 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Sergeant Stripes 10.10 Yoho Ahoy 10.15 Bob the Builder 10.30 FILM: Any Old Port! *** 10.50 Trade Secrets 11.00 Small Town Gardens 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Lifeline 13.10 What the Victorians Did for Us 13.20 What the Victorians Did for Us 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: Appointment in Honduras *** 15.20 The Flying Gardener 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two Those fancy dresses might be risque but the BBC have pulled out all the stops in this fresh, new reality show!

19.00 Match of the Day Wales: FAW Premier Cup 21.05 Bodies 22.05 Arrested Development 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 The Secret Life of the Strawberry What more could BBC2 give us? More shows like this is say. Sweet! 23.50 FILM: Keep the Aspidistra Flying With Richard E Grant and Helena Bonham Carter. (Drama, 1997) ** 01.30 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone

The Wright Stuff five 10.30am

14.00 Less Than Perfect 14.30 One Tree Hill 15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends Irreverent American comedy starring the icons of the 1990s. This classic episode finds the delightful Cold Feet star, Helen Baxendale, bearing the brunt of that irreverent funnyman, Chandler’s, jokes.

18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 One Tree Hill 22.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip The irrepressable and irreverent Paris and Nicole take us on a risque roadtrip around everyone’s favourite nation, the US of Aiii. 22.30 Ali G in Da USAiii Funnyman Ali G takes his irreverant spoof of gangster culture across the pond. Westside gags a plenty. 23.05 Fool Around... with My Boyfriend 00.05 Hollyoaks 00.35 No Angels A delightful insight into the world of parenting. Those little scamps certainly cause some problems! Pesky kids!

01.35 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 02.05 Ali G in Da USAiii 02.35 Fool Around... with My Boyfriend featuring the irreverent Gary Andrews on top form again!

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamoloo 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The SaveUms! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First... 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser The challenging quiz show asks the questions all other channels are afraid of. Don’t forget to phone in for the irreverent viewers question! 4.35 High School Reunion 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: Ironside *** 17.30 five news National and international news 18.00 Home and Away The Australian soap receives the recognition it deserves by taking pride of place in the primetime schedule. There is some sense in this world.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news National and international 19.30 Egypt Detectives: Mystery of Tutankhamun's Treasure 20.00 John Lydon Goes Ape Funnyman sellout punk travels to Africa to find more ‘holidays in the sun’. 21.00 FILM: Romeo Must Die With Jet Li and Aaliyah.

(Thriller, 2000) ** 23.20 101 Most Shocking Moments in Entertainment Number 53: the moment TV Desk turned to God for help.

00.20 Sex and the Settee 00.45 Snooker - World Champions v the Asian Stars 02.15 Madrid ITU Triathlon World Cup 03.05 European Drag Racing 03.30 Golf: The Challenge 04.20 Dutch Football Irreverent footballing action.

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Beat the Burglar 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Houses Behaving Badly 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Chris' Sing-a-Long Wednesday: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Scooby-Doo and ScrappyDoo More cartoon capers from the lovable duo. Expect lots of fun at tea time. Those pesky kids! 16.30 I Dream 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 Airport 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 DIY SOS Spain Special 2002 21.00 British Isles: a Natural History: Modern Times 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 High Hopes The cute and cuddly care bears have high hope for the rest of you out there. Feel the love drifting effortlessly around the room...awwww. 23.05 Runaways 00.05 FILM: Baby It's You With Rosanna Arquette and Vincent Spano. (Drama, 1983) *** 01.50 Sign Zone: Desert: The Challenge 02.50 Sign Zone: Bank of Mum and Dad 03.50 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms Ah the fond memories of this excellent DIY interior design show. How I wish I could aspire to be them. 04.20 Joins BBC News 24

Miffy And Friends ITV1 3.15pm

P R I M E T I M E

Balamory BBC2 9.20am

High Hopes BBC1 10.35pm

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As S4C except: 06.00 Wat's Pig 09.15 What's in a Word?

09.30 Do Fish Fart? 09.55 Arrows of Desire 10.20 Life Stuff: Consumer Power - Mobile Phones 10.45 Gift of the Gab 11.05 Tate Modern 11.10 Looking After the Penneys 11.35 The Business: Fish to Go 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Third Watch 13.50 Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman 14.45 The Courtroom 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: Puleng 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Musicality featuring those cheeky chappies at Xpress radio providing an irreverent insight into the day in the life of a Cardiff DJ. 22.00 Faking It TV Desk seem to be doing a good job of it this week! 23.05 Sex and the City 23.45 Sex and the City 00.25 Outside: Coming Up - Take My Heart 01.00 Outside: Straight 8 01.35 Outside: Schools Out - The Life of a Gay High School in Texas 02.35 Outside: The Knowle West Trilogy 03.05 KOTV 03.35 Brazilian Football Championship 05.20 Countdown

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Thursday

November 8 - 14 2004

Page 27

hi-jinx@tvquick.net

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Dancing in the Street Just like we did when Charles and Diana got married!

19.00 Jerry Springer 19.40 The Planet's Funniest Animals Lots of little animals making sillies of themselves. I saw a fox last week that was hopping around like a kangaroo.

Silly little thing!

20.00 The Block 21.00 FILM: Instinct 23.25 Dolce and Kabbalah: Celebrities Exposed Don’t like the sound of this Kabbalah nonsense. If only those impressionable celebrities would pop down to St Annes with me and the gang on Sundays. We could even bake them some of those nice scones we do! 00.25 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.55 Jerry Springer 01.35 Late Show with David Letterman 02.20 Teleshopping

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 Angel 11.45 ER 12.45 Scrubs 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Futurama 18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 2 Not a patch on CITV’s endearing How 2.

21.00 The 1970s Office 22.00 Law and Order 23.00 24 Groundbreaking thriller series in which each episode follows the events of one hour in one day. Sounds a little silly to me. Are they going to start showing the Snowman soon. I sincerely hope so.

00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Gamezville 01.50 Angel 02.40 ER 03.30 The Sharon Osbourne Show 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 Pokemon 05.35 Pokemon My Mummy knitted me a scarf last week.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.55 my city: edinburgh 09.00 Life Stuff: Looking after the Penneys 09.30 The English Programme 09.55 From the Top 10.20 Arrows of Desire 10.45 Gift of the Gab 11.05 gcsEASE: The Business 11.30 Bitesize Gwyddoniaeth Ffiseg 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Cheers 13.45 A Place in the Sun 14.45 Selling Houses Revisited 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.005.00): Anifail am Wythnos 16.15 Sioe Gwobrau Mawr 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy The lovely Richard and Judy (an example to married couples everywhere) present another issue of their current affiars show. They had that vulgar funnyman Ricky Gervais on last week. Ghastly behaviour.

18.00 The Simpsons More American rubbish. Channel 4 should show better cartoons such as Babar the elephant.

18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Risg The lovely Sian Lloyd presents this quiz show about risking money.

It’s not gambling though.

Thank goodness!

21.00 Pawb a'i Farn 22.00 Mostyn Fflint 'N Aye! 22.30 Bandit 23.00 Wife Swap I sincerely hope the title of this programme isn’t referring to the terrible practise of bigamy.

Another thing to blame American liberal cultural imperialism for.

Disgusting work! 00.05 The Sopranos 01.10 Monkey

14.00 Less Than Perfect Unlike the portrait of my family I had done last week. It was exceptionally good! 14.30 One Tree Hill 15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends I really love this programme. You can sit round with the little ones and not be afraid anything is going to get too risque. Unlike that Jerry Seinfeld trash. Excellent work!

18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 The OC I much prefer Dawson’s Creek. A lot more moralistic and hence, much more entertaining.

20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 Sex and the City Shocking American drama series. Britons ought to make a stand and ignore this one so it gets cancelled and they can’t make any more new episodes.

22.35 Sex and the City Tut, tut, tut, tut.

23.05 Fool Around... with My Boyfriend 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 The Great Love Swindle 01.10 The West Wing 02.00 Sex and the City 02.30 Sex and the City

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamoloo 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The SaveUms! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First? 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.55 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Boy Meets Boy 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: The Revengers * 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Gary is charged with GBH. He ought to be locked up for longer than is applicable. Nasty man. Why can’t more young people be involved in more sociable activities, like campaigning for the Conservatives. Go on Michael, you can do it!

19.00 five news 19.30 Big Art Challenge At last something interesting on five. Just when I thought it was heading towards the realm of soft porn and action films.

20.00 FILM: The Last Action Hero Oh dear 22.30 FILM: The Terminator Know-nothing action director James Cameron bring us the first film of now-redeemed German State Governer. For an interesting anecdote about a football stadium in Austria, see Saturday’s TV page.

00.35 John Barnes' Football Night 01.15 Portuguese Football 02.50 Dutch Football 04.25 Argentinian Football Highlights 05.10 US Major League Soccer: Play-offs Conference Finals Soccer.

Soccer? What has happened to this country?

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Too Many Cooks 14.00 House Price Challenge 14.30 Tricks of the Trade 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Fun Song Factory 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Pet Alien 16.00 Play the Game 16.30 Barking!

17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale I used to like this when it was called Emmerdale Farm and there were no killings. And definitely NO lesbianism. And a lot worse off for it!

19.30 Stage by Stage 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Holiday Showdown This is a cracking little programme. Touching accounts of holidays by those who matter most, ordinary folks.

Excellent work guys!

22.00 The Frank Skinner Show TV funnyman’s profanity laden chatshow only paid attention to by those who have nothing better to do. disgusting. Although it does feature that lovely Ron Atkinson.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Frank Skinner Show 23.30 Soccer Night A good look at some of the best matches in the highly competitive Coca-Cola leagues. Yummy!

00.00 The Guest List 00.50 Shoot the Writers 01.15 Ben Elton's Orange Playlist Despite buttoning his shirt up the wrong way, Elton does make some lovely inoffensive pop music.

Smashing work Elt! 01.40 ITV at Reading 2004 02.30 Strictly Soho 03.00 CD:UK Hotshots 03.20 Cybernet 03.50 The Paul O'Grady Show 04.40 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Body Beautiful 20.00 Trauma Touching Documentary series charting the real-life drama in an accident and emergency department. I once had to go to A&E for a suspected flu once. Horrible experience.

20.30 Brand New Little Angels Rachel Morris offers excellent advice on parenting. Some hints from me include, not letting your children loose near the internet and using a smack per swearword policy. Works a treat!

21.00 Three Investigates: Phone Masts 21.30 Body Hits: Weekend Junkies Dr John Marsden examines the effects of illegal drugs on the brain and body. All those repellent nasty little drug users ought to know the damage they are doing to the body that God gave them. 22.00 EastEnders 23.00 Wedding Stories Last year we all when down to Salisbury for Angela’s big day. It was a stunning affair and Angie looked stunning. She asked me if I liked her dress. “I do”, I said!

06.00 CBBC: The Silver Brumby 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 There's a Viking in My Bed 07.05 Tom 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Rubbadubbers 08.40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 The Roly Mo Show 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Sergeant Stripes 10.10 Yoho Ahoy 10.15 Bob the Builder 10.30 Emotional Literacy 10.40 The Maths Channel 11.10 Primary History 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Watch 13.15 FILM: Tim *** 15.00 The Winter Flying Gardener 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18.30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two At last a reality show that shows that touches on the great bygone days of Britain.

Great work!

19.00 The Culture Show Focusing on how computer graphics are ruining animation. I seriously doubt the Toy Story people could have done the touching Watership Down justice.

20.00 Natural World: Missing, Presumed Eaten 20.50 Wild Summer River 21.00 Screws: Inside Belmarsh 22.00 Get Cartier!

22.30 Newsnight Featuring the positively awful Jeremy Paxman.

He’s so rude to those poor ministers. Tut tut.

23.20 The Culture Show 00.20 FILM: Breathless 01.50 What the Victorians Did for Us An awful bloody (pardon my French) lot. There wasn’t any of that monstrous rap-music then for a start. Or those disgusting bare body films.

House Doctor five 11.25pm

06.05 Party Animals 08.55 Nikki 09.20 What's in a Word?

11.05 Tate Modern 11.10 Life Stuff: In Search of the Tartan Turban 11.35 The Business: People and Profits 12.30 Cheers 13.00 Third Watch 13.50 Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman 15.15 Countdown With the superb Gyles Brandreth.

16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 3 Minute Wonder: His Passionate Bride 20.00 Beyond River Cottage 20.30 No Going Back: Chaos at the Castle It was chaos in Castle Arcade last week when the print music for John William’s Harry Potter score came out. I had to practically wrestle to the front! That wouldn’t happen to Judy Finnigan. God bless!

21.00 The Hunt for Lord Lucan 22.00 What the Butler Saw He didn’t see me doing anything.

The voyeur. I ought to get his contract terminated, the rotter.

23.10 FILM: Trading Places 01.20 Line of Fire 02.20 Freesports on 4: Skateboard, Basejumping and Surfing: Skateboard

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Beat the Burglar 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 10.45 The Nation Remembers: The Queen at the Field of Remembrance 11.05 Trading Up 11.30 Houses Behaving Badly 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Sue's Make and Do Thursday: Big Cook Little Cook 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.10 Rugrats 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 The Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround An informative programme for kids. One of the few things that makes me proud to be a license payer.

Nice work guys!

17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News Uninformed watchers of late night television should watch Auntie’s highly rated evening news. That’s if it doesn’t clash with ‘Cooking for the Disadvantaged’ night-school class!

18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Wildlife on One: Squirrels: Are They Tough Enough? Touching documentary about little squirrels.

19.30 EastEnders 20.30 Too Close for Comfort The US elections. That nasty Kerry chap almost got in. Good job 60 million Americans have a good sensible head on their shoulders!

21.00 Blackpool Nowhere near as good as it was when we took the family down. Not the same since the drunken stag nights became so popular. Shocking!

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Dragon's Eye

Too Many Cooks ITV 1.00pm

Squirrels BBC1 7.00pm

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Blackpool BBC1 9.00pm

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Friday

Page 28

November 8 - 14 2004

irrereventandincisive@irrepresible.com

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.55 The John Walsh Show The delightful John Walsh with chit-chat and guests galore no his hit American show! 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.50 Movies Now 19.00 Ben Elton's Orange Playlist TV Funnyman Ben Elton picks a list of his top tunes, including tracks by the ever-festive Elton John and the irrepresible Paul McCartney.

19.30 The Planet's Funniest Animals 20.00 Emmerdale Secrets: Disasters 21.00 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas TV’s Mr Nasty, Simon Cowell dishes out the insults to the unsuspecting acts. We’re behind the hunky Tom Jones in the making, Steve. Go Steve!

22.00 FILM: There's Something about Mary 00.15 Coronation Street 00.50 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 01.40 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 The X Files 09.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 10.50 Angel 11.45 ER 12.45 Scrubs 13.15 The X Files 14.10 Dr Phil 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation May the force be with you in this out of this world sci-fi series.

18.00 Futurama Irrerevent out of this world fun from the creator of the Simpsons, Mark Greening.

18.30 Malcolm in the Middle 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons More irrerevent fun from Homer and the gang in Springfield. What antics is Bart going to get up to this week?

20.00 Battlestar Galactica 21.00 The Ultimate Playboy 22.00 EuroMillions Draw Live 22.05 FILM: Leaving Las Vegas Starring Hollywood hunk Nicholas Cage. Worth taking a gamble and staying up for!

00.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation

Same Bridget ITV 10.00pm

14.00 Less Than Perfect 14.30 One Tree Hill 15.30 The OC 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Era-dfining sitcom about love and hi-jinks in swinging 90s New York. Can Ross get back in the good books of his elegant English wife, Emily?

17.30 Friends 18.00 Without a Trace 19.00 The OC 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 FILM: Fever Pitch Hip footie flick starring Mr Darcy himself, Colin Firth! Based on the hit book by Rick Hornby, this film traces the events leading up to Liverpool’s victory over Spurs in the 1991 Cup Final. Kick-off your evening with this heartwarming tale!

23.00 Fool Around...

00.00 Same Bridget. Brand New Diary What more can be said about this era defining fairy tale of love and hi-jinx set in swinging 90s London? With Colin Firth. 00.30 Green Wing 01.35 Hollyoaks 02.05 The Secret Life of Us 02.50 Fool Around... with My Boyfriend As long as it’s not our Colin!!

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06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamoloo 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The SaveUms! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Boy Meets Boy 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: He's Not Your Son * 17.30 five news National and international news with Charlie Stayt.

18.00 Home and Away There’s revolution in the air at Summer Bay. Looks like pesky students up to tricks again!!

18.30 Family Affairs There’s a lock-in at the pub!

Someone’s going to be nursing a hangover in the morning!

19.00 five news 19.30 House Doctor: Ann's Top Ten! 20.00 The 20 Quickest Ways to Lose Money on Your Property The ever-festive Colin and Justin with more top-tips for keeping our house ship-shape and those property pounds rolling in!

21.00 House Doctor: Design for Living 22.00 Posh Swap 23.00 FILM: Conan the Barbarian Arnie, everyone’s favourite German muscles in to prove why we call him the Bone from Cologne! Phwoar!

01.20 FILM: Legal Deceit 02.50 FILM: Flight of the Albatross 04.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 Melrose Place

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06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 B4 07.25 Friends 07.55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.55 my city: edinburgh 09.00 National Gallery 09.05 Life Stuff: In Search of the Tartan Turban 09.30 Behind the Scenes at RSC 09.55 Working Week 10.20 2020 Design a Future 10.45 Gift of the Gab 11.05 Tate Modern 11.10 Life Stuff: Without You 11.35 Arrows of Desire 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.50 Pingu 13.00 Channel 4 Racing from Cheltenham 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.005.00): Uned 5 17.00 Richard and Judy J 17.55 Rownd a Rownd Pencils out. There’s homework trouble instore in tonights first episode of this ground-breaking Welsh youth programme.

18.20 Rownd a Rownd 18.50 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Wales v Romania 20.50 Pobol y Cwm Jason offers to buy the Old Police Station from Stacey. Let’s hope it’s in good ‘nick’!!

21.15 Risg 21.45 Newyddion News.

22.00 The Simpsons Gag’s aplenty in this episode chronicling the life of America’s most irrerevent family!

22.30 Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere 23.00 Father Ted Irrerevent sitcom that caused controvery when it was first aired for offending the Catholic Church.

Now with added poignancy after the passing of the irrepresible funnyman Dermot Morgan.

23.30 Peep Show 00.05 FILM: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer 02.00 Porsche Carrera Cup 02.30 Freesports on 4

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Too Many Cooks 14.00 House Price Challenge 14.30 Tricks of the Trade 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.45 Pet Alien 16.00 Finger Tips 16.20 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 Help! I'm A Teenage Outlaw 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Oo-er, shady goings on in the dale as Steph has murder in mind. Let’s hope the boys in blue give her comeuppance.

19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald What’s the story Trev? Another incisive documentary that gets to the heart of the news. With the irrepressible Trevor McDonald.

20.30 Airline 21.00 Rosemary and Thyme See Pick of The Week.

22.00 Same Bridget, Brand New Diary A look at the making of Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason For those of you girlies who can’t wait for the release of Bridget’s second film, here is an incisive documentary that gets behind the scenes of the films.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week 23.30 When Jordan Met Peter In-depth look at the wacky world of Peter Andre and his own ‘Mysterious Girl’, Jordan!!!

00.00 Barry Welsh is Going 00.35 The Frank Skinner Show 01.35 FILM: Cousin Bette

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits: Snack Attack For all you salad shakers and Atkins addicts. Dr John Marsden serves up another dose of advice to unsuspecting patients.

Just what the doctor ordered!

20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels For all of you who have tiny terrors. Dr John Marsden serves up another dose of advice to unsuspecting parents. Just what the doctor ordered!

21.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 21.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli Hunky Chris Crudelli presents another edition of this hi-octane, incisive documentary that gets right to heart of kung-fu. Sock it to us Chris!!

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Outlaws 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Tawdry Northern comedy. 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Noah's Island 06.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang 07.05 Tom 07.30 Raven 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Rubbadubbers 08.40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 The Roly Mo Show 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Sergeant Stripes 10.10 Yoho Ahoy 10.15 Bob the Builder 10.30 What?

Where? When? Why? 10.45 The Maths Channel 10.55 The Maths Channel 11.05 Hands Up! 11.20 Primary Geography 11.40 Primary History: Britain Since 1948 12.00 FILM: Come Clean *** 12.20 Trade Secrets 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 FILM: Great Day In the Morning ** 15.00 The Winter Flying Gardener 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link Cheeky Anne Robinson winds up some more unsuspecting guests on the tea-time trivia quiz!!

18.00 Beg, Borrow or Steal Another quiz show, this time with the irrepressible scamp Jamie Theakston!

18.30 Scrum V Live: Wales v Romania 21.00 Gardeners' World A special from the RHS show in Harrogate. A lovely lovely town in Yorkshire for those of us brave enough to venture up past Cheltenham!

21.30 The Greatest Storm Touching documentary about the Great Storm of January 1953. 22.20 The Planets - Brief Encounters 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland Jools Holland 00.40 FILM: I Walked With a Zombie

Fever Pitch ITV2 9.00pm

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Beat the Burglar 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Houses Behaving Badly 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Nicole's Furry Friends Friday: Binka 15.35 The Koala Brothers 15.45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16.05 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 16.30 The Basil Brush Show 17.00 Blue Peter Another year, another Blue Peter appeal. The BP gang engage in some hi-jinx to make money for this years beneficiaries. Keep up the good work!17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops Some unruly bands bounder onto the TOTP stage to perform the lastest chart hits.

At least it’s nice and clean down at the BBC. 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 My Dad's the Prime Minister 21.00 French and Saunders The irrepressible duo Dawn and Jennifer bring their hilarious sketch show back to prime-time. A hilarious half hour.

21.30 Have I Got News for You Cynical game show.

Notable for it’s lack of prizes and normal people.

Wouldn’t it be a lot more interesting if we could all go on and air our own irrerevent views on the news!!

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross The lovely Mr Ross hosts Elton John. Super!

Gardener’s World BBC2 9.00pm

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06.10 The Hoobs 08.55 Nikki 09.15 What's in a Word?

12.30 Cheers 15.15 Countdown 16.00 My Place in the Sun 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Hollyoaks There’s trouble around the corner as some of the gang take a trip to a plastic surgeons!

19.00 Channel 4 News 19.45 The West Wing Complex US drama series set in the highoctane epicentre of American politics.

20.30 Friends 21.00 The Simpsons 21.30 Max and Paddy's Road to Nowher Funnyman Peter Kay presents more of his irrerevent brnd of northern humour.

Starring actors from his hit series The Pheonix Club.

22.00 Peep Show 22.35 Father Ted 23.10 FILM: The Animal 00.40 4 Music: Hip Hop Immortals Programme exploring the relationship between the hip hop phenomenon and big business. Featuring Snoopy The Dog, Most Deaf and Little Orphan Kimmy. 02.15 4 Music: Popworld 03.00 4 Music: hit40uk 03.30 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Saturday

November 8 - 14 2004

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SirCliff@smartcausual+redwineinahammock.com

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Secrets: Weddings 13.10 Airline USA 13.40 Airline USA 14.10 CD:UK 15.10 Felicity 16.05 Undeclared 16.35 The Planet's Funniest Animals 17.00 The Block 17.55 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 19.00 Ben Elton's Orange Playlist Funnyman Ben Elton picks his fave tunes of all time.

19.30 It's Good to Be...

Beyonce An incisive documentary into the glitz and glamour of chart-topping Destinys Child starlet Bonce Knowles, whose hit “Crazy Love” was a fave here in TV Desk 20.00 The Xtra Factor 21.00 Same Bridget, Brand New Diary She’s back! The scatty but adorable chracter is back in this heartwarming preview!

21.30 Movies Now 21.45 The Xtra Factor Result 22.15 FILM: Scary Movie ** 23.50 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

00.55 Jerry Springer 01.35 Teleshopping 03.05 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus

The Great British Pop Test ITV1 9.45pm

14.00 hit40uk 14.25 Hollyoaks Omnibus 16.35 hit40uk 17.00 Friends 17.30 One Tree Hill 18.30 One Tree Hill 19.30 One Tree Hill 20.30 Friends 21.00 Teachers Drama series set in a comprehensive school.

They smoke marajuana, swear and all kind of other risque things - and that’s just the teachers! What antics are the teachers going to get up to this week?

22.00 The Joe Schmo Show 23.00 Fool Around... with My Boyfriend 23.55 Fornicating With Your Next of Kin 00.05 Bo' Selecta! 00.35 Porn: A Family Business 01.10 Porn: A Family Business Here’s a top tip for all you dog owners out there - if your mutt’s just not staying on his lead, pop a collar round his neck with a padlock attachment made from a bottle top and a coathanger, then attach the lead to an old exercise bike - no more flustered running around the park, and Fido gets his daily walkies with no trouble. You’d be barking mad not to try it!

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06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.00 RAD - The Groms Tour America: The Groms Tour 11.30 Xcalibur 12.00 Beyblade 12.30 Duel Masters 13.00 Combat Club 13.30 The Chart 14.00 Dawson's Creek 14.55 Domino Day 16.00 FILM: Columbo: Forgotten Lady The irrepressable and uncompromising Columbo wins the battle of good vs naughty. Top of the hit list this week are hypocrites, vandals and junk mail senders!

Book ‘em Columbo!

17.55 FILM: The Tomorrow Man *** 19.25 Charmed Hubble Bubble Toil and Trouble!

More spooky goings on with the witches from Charmed.

20.15 five news and sport 20.30 The Dead Zone 21.25 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.20 Murder Prevention 23.25 FILM: Conan the Destroyer Arnie, everyones favourite German stars as the legendary Conan in this action packed edge-of-the-seat thriller.

Oddly, Arnie’s got a footy stadium named after him in Austria of all places! Those crazy landlocked Europeans! ** 01.20 Law and Order 02.05 FILM: The Hunt for CM24 ** 03.40 Short Story Cinema 04.20 The Invaders 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters I bought this beautiful landscape painting at a rummage sale the other day - it looked very turn-of-the--century, and do you know - it was by Cardiff’s very own Branwyn Jenkins. Talk about a bargain! It now takes pride of place above my fire.

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06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Dream Team 14.00 Malcolm in the Middle 14.30 Malcolm in the Middle 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Malcolm in the Middle 17.30 Oliver Beene 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 2 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stargate Atlantis 22.00 Hex 23.00 Toughest Seaside Resorts in Britain 2 Whether it’s Bangor or Bognor, these sure are places not to nosh your fish and chips!

00.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 01.50 TV Meltdown 02.40 Scrubs 03.05 Scrubs 03.30 Scrubs 03.55 Hot Love 04.45 Star Trek: Voyager 05.35 What about Mimi?

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06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 Trans World Sport 07.55 The Morning Line 08.55 Scrapheap Challenge 09.55 Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman 10.50 hit40uk 11.15 The OC 12.05 One Tree Hill 12.55 Battle Stations 14.00 Channel 4 Racing from Cheltenham, Wetherby and Uttoxeter. Grab your binoculars and crazy hats and get down the front. Go on, have a flutter!

16.15 At the Pictures 16.25 Friends 17.00 Newyddion 17.10 Y Clwb Rygbi: Cardiff Blues v Glasgow 19.25 Y Clwb Pel-Droed 20.00 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 20.15 Twrio 21.20 Risg 21.50 FILM: Bridget Jones's Diary Oh Bridget, will you ever learn?! Helen Fielding’s era-defining fairy tale of love and high jinks set in swinging nineties London is amusingly and effectively translated onto the silver screen. With a reliably witty turn by Hugh, and Rene shines at the scatty but adorable Bridget.

One for you girls out there! *** 23.40 FILM: Memento Nice idea, but so confusing! Try and get your head around this one, but don’t get a headache! **** 01.40 Stealing Lives 02.40 FILM: Scum *** 04.20 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment The gorgeous Jamie presents more risque hidden camera stunts on unsuspecting members of the public. Remember Candid Camera? Jamie obviously does!

Only this is much zanier, with laughs a-plenty. Watch out - it could be you next!!! 04.45 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 05.10 KOTV

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.45 Coronation Street Omnibus 15.00 FILM: Batteries Not Included *** 16.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.10 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.25 Harry Hill's TV Burp 17.55 With a Little Help from My Friends Another hapless family entrust their family home to be redecorated by their children. Watch out for the bedroom Mum! 18.55 The X Factor We here at TV desk are rooting for the the wonderful Steve.

A new Tom Jones in the making, for sure. Nasty Simon dishes the insults, but Steve - you can take them! Go Steve!

20.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.00 The X Factor Result 21.45 The Great British Pop Test Challenge your friends and test your own pop knowledge, from Unchained Melody to Saturday Night at the Movies, with Neil “Doctor” Fox and Gabby Logan. It’s all rock and roll to me!

23.15 ITV News 23.30 FILM: Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye ** 01.10 CD:UK 02.00 Shoot the Writers 02.25 FILM: Surviving Picasso The controversial, anarchic painter who broke new ground and drew funny faces, gets his own documentary, starring the stately, majestic Anthony Hopkins as the Spanish lothario, who could rustle up an omelette almost as well as a painting, I bet! *** 04.25 Entertainment Now! 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

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19.00 FILM: Star Trek: The Motion Picture *** 21.25 Spooks 22.25 New Little Britain 22.55 Conviction 23.55 Conviction 00.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Tawdry northern comedy.

01.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.55 My Life in Film 02.25 Three Investigates: Phone Masts Incisive documentary that gets to the heart of Britain’s phone mast crisis - should British be best? Or we will all succumb to the temptations from Finland, or even Japan? (surely a very short mast!!!!!) BBC Three delves deep into the matter to tell us the people of the land - the truth behind the tariffs. Tell you what gets my goat - wind turbines! What are they all about? Give me good old-fashioned coal any day of the week! 02.55 Helena Christensen: Behind the Lens The elegant and irrepressable Helena Christiansen takes us to the other side of the camera in this incisive documentary that gets to the heart of her decision to show us ‘behind the lens’.

Something for the fellas!

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 10.45 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 See Hear 12.45 The Sky at Night Stargazing maestro Patrick Moore beams down for some more top constellation spotting.

Don’t forget your telescope!

13.05 What the Victorians Did for Us 13.15 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross 13.45 FILM: Journey to the Center of the Earth **** 15.50 The Rockford Files 16.40 Monk 17.20 The Return of Sherlock Holmes 18.15 Full on Food 19.15 What the Papers Say They’ll all be saying “Well Done George!” We here at TV Desk second that motion!

19.25 Beslan: A Concert for the Future The tragedy at Beslan where so many innocent lives were lost is fondly remembered by the talented young musicians of Russia. A touching ceremony.

21.25 Magic: Dangerous Magic 22.25 QI 22.55 The 38th Annual Country Music Association Awards With those lovely boys in Lonestar, the irrepressable Dolly Parton, and the beautiful tones of Garth Brooks, for all you line dancers and dosie do-ers out there!

00.25 Shooting Stars 00.55 Room 101 01.25 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Rough Science 02.30 Rough Science 03.00 Rough Science 03.30 Rough Science 04.00 Rough Science 04.30 Rough Science 05.00 Open Advice: A Different Way of Learning 05.30 Building on Success

Bridget Jones’s Diary C4 9.25pm

08.55 Futurama 09.40 T4: hit40uk 10.10 T4: The OC 11.10 T4: Friends 11.50 T4: One Tree Hill 12.50 T4 Movie Special: Bridget Jones 2 13.25 Fool Around... with My Boyfriend 16.15 FILM: Clockwise Funnyman John Cleese plays a timekeeping headmaster in this fun-packed comedy thriller, with top slapstick gags and frolics. Clock this one for a good laugh! *** 18.00 Morgan and Platell 18.30 Channel 4 News 18.55 Branford Marsalis: It's a Jazz Thing Delightful saxophonist Branford Marsalis guides us through the hits - from Baker Street to Careless Whisper, this really is the good sax guide!

20.25 Friends 20.55 Friends 21.25 FILM: Bridget Jones's Diary *** 23.15 Top Ten Love Songs Hot Chocolate legend Errol Brown introduces a touching collection of timely classics from your school days and mine - including TV Desk’s fave - The Lady In Red. Slush alert!!!!!

00.50 FILM: Autumn in New York ** 02.45 Andromeda 03.35 French Football Le Championnat: Lyon v Nantes

Your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBBC: Astro Boy 07.20 The Mummy 07.45 Arthur 08.10 Taz-Mania 08.35 The Scooby-Doo Show 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 10.45 The Lord Mayor's Show 12.10 BBC News; Weather 12.20 Football Focus 13.10 Grandstand 13.15 Boxing 14.15 International Rugby Union: Ireland v South Africa 14.30 Around the Grounds 14.35 International Rugby Union: Ireland v South Africa 15.30 Football Update 15.35 International Rugby Union: Ireland v South Africa 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.25 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.45 Weakest Link: Famous Duos 18.35 Strictly Come Dancing 19.40 National Lottery Wright around the World Jolly St Ian hosts the fabulous, fast-paced thrill-aminute entertainment bonanza. Hope your numbers come up!

20.20 Strictly Come Dancing 20.35 Casualty 21.25 The Royal British Legion Festival of Remembrance A timely tribute to the hard work and spirit of Our Boys in a beautifully choreographed and touching ceremony to remember their hard work.

Top job guys!

23.05 BBC News; Weather 23.25 Match of the Day 01.10 FILM: Up the Chastity Belt Classic British comedy from the ages. Too saucy for some, but a hark back to the golden age of Britain. Ooh matron! ** 02.45 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 03.45 A Question of Sport

Bridget Jones’s Diary S4C 9.50pm

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Top 10 Love Songs C4 11.15pm

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Sunday

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November 8 - 14 2004

thankyoufortheday@bushcampaign.org.com

09.25 CD:UK 10.25 The X Factor 11.30 The Xtra Factor 12.35 The X Factor Result This worthwhile talent contest is really drawing out the superb talent hidden away across our beautiful land. 13.15 The Xtra Factor Result 13.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.35 Coronation Street Omnibus I look forward to this omnibus every week. Hours of my favourite show, what more could I ask for on a Sunday, the Lord’s day.

19.00 Package Holiday These holidays really do benefit everyone involved. Holiday makers really begin to understand the nature of the destination country through these. All those cheeky chappys on the beach next to the hilairous Punch and Judy shows. Happiness...truly.

20.00 The X Factor 21.10 The Xtra Factor 22.10 The X Factor Result 22.50 The Xtra Factor Result 23.20 Coronation Street 23.50 The Frank Skinner Show 00.50 Undeclared 01.15 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 02.10 Ben Elton's Orange Playlist 02.35 Jerry Springer 03.15 Teleshopping

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 12.00 America's Dumbest Criminals Those who deny the Lord. 12.30 Futurama 13.00 Futurama 13.30 Malcolm in the Middle 14.00 Malcolm in the Middle 14.30 Malcolm in the Middle 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Oliver Beene 20.00 Dream Team The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would be my key signings. 21.00 Hex 22.00 Mile High 23.00 The 1970s Office 00.00 Cold Case 01.00 Law and Order 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 02.40 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 03.30 Scrubs 03.55 Scrubs 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 ICC Cricket World 2004 07.30 Kwik-Fit Pirelli British Rally Championship 2004 08.00 The Morning Line 09.00 Chancers 09.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus Two and a half hours of excellent programming. A soap truly worth your viewing attention. 12.00 Maniffesto 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Britney's Greatest Bits What this girl from Louisiana has done for music is comparable to what George Bush has done for democracy. We should be thankful for what she has brought into our lives. 13.30 Channel 4 Racing from Cheltenham and Haydock Park 15.30 T4 Movie Special: Bridget Jones 2 16.00 Dudley 16.30 04 Wal 17.00 Welsh in a Week 17.30 Newyddion News.

17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Y Sioe Gelf It beggars belief how S4C continually manage to provide us, the eager viewing public, with worthwhile programmes which really call out to our inner selves. Thankyou S4C for the blessing of these nuggets of television history in the making.

20.00 Dechrau Canu 20.30 Cerdded y Llinell 21.00 Talcen Caled 21.55 Newyddion News.

22.05 Musicality 23.05 UK Music Hall of Fame A musical feast for your ears hosted by that saviour of television, Jamie Theakston. 01.10 The Hunt for Lord Lucan 02.10 The Crazy Rulers of the World Thankfully Mr Bush is not on this wonderful programme because he is too motivated for the good of all nations in this beautiful world in which we live.

Praise the Lord! 03.05 Morgan and Platell

14.00 Fool Around... with My Boyfriend 14.30 Fool Around... with My Boyfriend 15.00 Faking It TV Desk? 16.05 The Next Joe Millionaire 17.00 Friends Life can be so fulfilling with all your friends surrounding you.

Remember to keep your friends close and never forget them because they can help you in more ways than you can imagine. I pray each and every night for all of my friends because they truly help me through the hard times. 17.30 Friends 18.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 18.30 The OC 19.30 One Tree Hill 20.30 Friends 21.00 The Joe Schmo Show 22.00 Derren Brown: Mind Control 3 23.05 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip It’s amazing it took so long for these intelligent, thoughtful human beings to shine their light upon our screens.

Thankfully now they can share their deep feelings with us so we too can improve the way we live our lives. 23.30 The OC 00.30 One Tree Hill 01.20 The Next Joe Millionaire 02.10 Derren Brown: Mind Control 3 03.10 Less Than Perfect Thankyou for this wonderful day.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy throws down the gauntlet and invites all his special friends for a huge party bash in toyland.

The cast of My Little Pony and the Care Bears join in to really get the entertainment going.

The merriment continues long into the night and everyone invited has a thoroughly enjoyable evening. 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life that of TV Desk 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.05 five news update 13.10 The Chart 13.40 Pop City Live 17.40 FILM: The Parent Trap With Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson. (Comedy, 1998) *** 20.00 Britain's Worst...

Mother-in-Law The moral of this fantastic insight into the life of another worthwhile human being is to never judge a mother by her cover. She’s really a lovely person but so misunderstood. I’d love to meet her and gain valuable life experience from the depths of her knowledge.

21.00 FILM: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines With Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nick Stahl. (Science Fiction, 2003) *** 23.05 He's Back... The Terminator Story 00.10 Seniors Golf: San Remo Masters 01.00 NFL Live: New England Patriots v Buffalo Bills 04.45 Argentinian Football

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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Finger Tips 09.35 Art Attack 10.00 Scary Sleepover There is no need for such disturbing programmes on children’s television. Please, write to your local councillor to have this filth removed from our screens. 10.30 The Championship 11.15 My Favourite Hymns are Shine Jesus Shine, Jerusalem and Abide With Me. As upstanding members of the community, TV Desk all have their own favourite Christian forms of musical worship. 12.15 St Jimmy's 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.15 World Rally Championship 15.25 Barbara 15.55 Pollyanna 18.00 In Fine Voice I hope you agree that TV Desk’s new and improved direction is beneficial for every reader.

18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather Regional news round-up.

18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Yet another fantastic soap for all the telly addicts to gorge themselves on.

20.00 Heartbeat A warming programme set in the 1960s. Each and every storyline makes my Sunday evening and prepares me for the trials and tribulations of the week ahead.

21.00 Foyle's War Don’t worry, there is a happy ending.

23.00 ITV News 23.05 The South Bank Show 00.15 Not Just On Sunday 00.40 Motorsport UK 01.05 World Rally Championship 02.00 Building the Dream 02.25 Trisha

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19.00 Liquid Assets: Tom Cruise's Millions If I had millions I’d donate every last penny to charity. Ah love.

20.00 Band Aid: The Record that Rocked the World 21.00 Conviction 22.00 Conviction 23.00 New Little Britain 23.30 Nighty Night 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Band Aid: The Record that Rocked the World 01.55 Jerry Hall's Gurus 02.55 Liquid Assets: Tom Cruise's Millions I had a chance encounter with a cuddly badger the other night whilst walking home from church. To have been singing His praises all night and then to come across a the cheeky mammal was more than my emotions could take. I had to break down and thank anyone and everyone for the joy of being alive. Care bears sprinkled me with glitter as a superb Welsh male voice choir sang Land Of Hope And Glory in my direction.

What more could any one person hope for?

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 07.05 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 07.30 Smile because it makes the world go around. Go on, smile to your housemates and see how much happier your house/flat becomes. I promise this will make your days so much more fulfilling. 10.30 Sunday Style 11.30 Countryfile A fantastically helpful gardening programme brought to you by Greenfingers himself. 12.00 The Future is Wild 12.25 The Future is Wild 12.50 FILM: The Blue Max ** 15.15 Space Odyssey: Voyage to the Planets 16.15 Sunday Grandstand 16.20 Sport + 16.30 International Rugby Union: England v Canada The gentlemen’s game brought to you in glorious technicolour. A match you cannot afford to miss because of the sheer warmng nature of the atmosphere.

17.10 International Rugby Union: Scotland v Japan 17.20 Scrum V Live: Llanelli Scarlets v Leinster 20.00 The Cenotaph: Highlights 21.00 Top Gear 22.00 The Fight Don’t worry, they’re not showing a real fight. The title refers to the challenge the Care Bears had to continuing to make intelligent social comments in each and every episode of the superb childrens television series.

23.00 Match of the Day 2 23.50 FILM: Sling Blade With Billy Bob Thornton and Dwight Yoakam. (Drama, 1996) **** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners: Get Reading, Get Writing An inciteful educational programme from those lovely chaps at the BBC. 03.00 IT for Work

Make Way For Noddy five 7.45am

Your Union

06.00 Breakfast 08.10 Match of the Day 09.30 Breakfast with Frost 10.30 Remembrance Sunday: The Cenotaph A touching ceremony to honour the brave, courageous soldiers who fought for our freedom all those years ago on the fields in Europe. Just thinking about what those poor youngsters had to go through is too much to comprehend. Remember to wear a poppy to show your appreciation and huge debt of gratitude.

12.10 The Politics Show A tribute to the man of the moment, Mr G.W.Bush. 13.10 EastEnders 13.40 Match Of The Day Live: FA Cup 1st Round: Thurrock v Oldham Athletic A worthwhile match for Sunday afternoon featuring these two titans of the game. There will be a one minute’s silence in honour of Rememberance Sunday prior to kick-off. 16.15 EastEnders 18.10 Songs of Praise A genuine apprasial of ‘Him upstairs’ with uplifting hymns for young and old.

Today’s programme is even more touching because it honours the brave, courageous soldiers who fought for our freedom on the fields in Europe. Watch this to show our appreciation and huge debt of gratitude.

18.45 Antiques Roadshow 19.35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 North and South 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: The New Killing Fields 22.55 As BBC1 and therefore superb and worthwhile.

23.05 On Show 23.25 A Life of Grime 23.35 Fast Friends 00.05 FILM: Citizen X With Stephen Rea and Donald Sutherland. (Crime, 1996) **** 01.50 Joins BBC News

My Favourite Hymns ITV 11.15am

Smile BBC2 7.30am

P R I M E T I M E

Songs Of Praise BBC1 6.10pm

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! 029 20229977

As S4C except: 09.00 T4: Popworld 09.55 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.25 T4: Fool Around... with My Boyfriend 13.00 T4: Chancers 15.30 T4: Friends 16.00 T4: Robbie Williams: The Show-Off Must Go On This man’s music fills me with joy every time I hear it. The passion, sincerity and simple genius of him is enough to bring a grown man to tears. 17.05 T4: Stargate SG-1 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Scrapheap Challenge 19.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 20.00 The Crazy Rulers of the World: Funny Torture 21.00 UK Music Hall of Fame 23.05 FILM: Rock Star With Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Aniston. (Drama, 2001) ** 01.05 FILM: Mani Ratnam Presents: Muthal Mariyathai With Shivaji Ganesan and Radha. (Drama, 1985) *** 03.55 The Hunt for Lord Lucan 04.55 Morgan and Platell 05.25 Countdown Argh! Fuck this bollocking load of bullshitting wank! Bunch of pylonbuffers couldn’t tell irony if it skullfucked a pig. Utter bastarding cunts! Ah relief...and calm...

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Listings

Page 32

November 8 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

IN A BIT OF A JAM George W is back for four more and so are we, thankfully to considerably less international horror and dismay. No jingoism here. No carefully manufactured climate of fear. No tax cuts for the rich. And no shady corporate backhanders. Well ... maybe one or two, but certainly no more than the average journo.

1

Jam Session @Gamlin’s

Mon 8th Nov / 6.30pm / Free

S

omething a bit different this week. There’s the chance to win £50 of Gamlin’s vouchers and the treat of a night of entertainment from professional musicians Simon Bates (not the radio DJ) and (the comically named) Harry Harris.

Gamlin’s music centre (56 St Mary Street, tel 029 20 220828) has issued an invitation to all woodwind musicians and pianists to ‘jam with the pros!’ Yes, it is a sponsored event I’m afraid. This time it’s Yamaha who are hoping to get their

3

N

name splashed around and are willing to do something vaguely noteworthy for the honour.

But before you throw down these pages in disgust, muse a while.

1) This is a free evening of live music.

2) There is an open invitation to all wood-wind and piano players to come down and join in.

3) There are going to be free refreshments.

4) There is an almost-cash prize (with the added bonus that you

Pink Grease Thurs 11th Nov / 7pm / £5

N

ot heard of Pink Grease?

No? Me neither. According to Virgin Mobile Louder, Pink Grease are six shameless young men with a streak of selfdestructive energy and heads full of ideas.

They hail from Sheffield and were, so we’re told, born out of a mutual appreciation for filthy parties, the necessity for rock and the need for a massive injection of sex into the pop mainstream.

Sound a lot like the Glitterati don’t they? In fact Pink Grease sound a lot like all the bands in the current race for the top spot in the glam-rock revival. They strut.

They preen. They entertain.

Pink Grease are prostituting their talents to Cardiff Barfly as part of the tyrannical Virgin Mobile Louder 5-Stop-Tour regime, which sees them crisscross the land leaving no Barfly venue deprived of their Neoglam/sleazy rap/electronica sound.

Check the Virgin website for previews and reviews at www.virginmobilelouder.com. And start getting excited about next month’s offering in advance. December sees the Bluetones storming into Cardiff Barfly, again under the aforementioned Virgin power-tour whip. Keep your ‘Competitions Page’ eyes peeled too - tickets will be won.

can’t waste these vouchers on beer) for the best improviser of the evening.

5) Bates and Harris are semicelebrities – look them up!

6) Gamlin’s provide the piano so that you don’t have to go to the expense and trouble of getting your own Bechstein baby grand down there on Monday evening.

True, it is tainted somewhat by the shadow of Yamaha leering over proceedings, but hey, they’re paying!

Xpress Radio presents...

Live Acoustic @Taf Donya Maria / The Blims / Fred Snow Tues 9th Nov / 10pm / Free

o doubt you’ve all been listening to the Students’ Union’s very own radio station, Xpress Radio, over the last week whilst it has been enjoying the first of its two FM broadcasts of the year.

In which case you may well have heard details about this acoustic event, which is being brought to the Taf (in the Union) by the fine people over at Xpress. (If you haven’t been listening, shame on you – tune in to 107.2 FM this minute!)

The event will feature three Cardiff-based talents: Cardiff University graduates Donya Maria,

2

Live @Barfly

The Blims, and Fred Snow. I’ll be going along, if only to hear guitarist and singer Fred Snow’s 1930s-era swing and blues numbers.

Most recently seen performing in Cardiff in nowt but a nappy, and prone to short spells of utter filth, Fred more or less guarantees a night of mirth and merriment.

Xpress Radio specialist DJs will be hosting the night, which kicks off at 10pm this Tuesday. In the meantime get that dial to 107.2 FM or direct your web browser to www.xpressradio.co.uk to get Cardiff’s only student radio station streaming live on to your computer.

4

B

Julia Harris

@Clwb Ifor Bach

Thurs 11th Nov / 8pm / £6

orn in Cardiff in 1980, Julia Harris cut her musical teeth in South Wales as part of local band, Westgate Street, as bassist and vocalist.

Julia performs in the familiar acoustic singer-songwriter tradition, but is no mere imitation.

Having supported the likes of Damien Rice and fellow Welsh songwriter Amy Wadge, and also having put out a well-received album in April 2003, she deserves public attention.

She graces the stage at Clwb Ifor Bach (on Womanby Street and more commonly refered to as ‘The Welsh Club’) with support from Brand and Halflight.

Listings

November 8 2004

Page 33

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton.

If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. We’re absolute cowboys, you see.

Monday08/11

Tuesday09/11

Wednesday10/11

Thursday11/11

Friday12/11

Saturday13/11

Sunday14/11

CinemaWeek

Fun Factory @Solus It’s a factory that makes fun. Free entry with NUS, £3 without.

On the Side @Fun Factory Put on by the Live Music Society in the back room of Solus (now dubbed the Xpress Lounge), On the Side features live bands each week.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge Night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter. 7-11pm, £1 (NUS).

TV is boring @Moloko Live Music, Art, Djs & Film over 3 floors. Turn off the TV and free your mind. This week feat. attack+defend. Free entry 6pm-2am.

New Noise @Metros "Alternative therapy for the musically depressed". New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendary, and almost mythical, double + mixer for 80p. £3 before 11. 9-2am.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform (if you’re early enough) with the house trio. Variable quality of playing/singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm £2.or £1 if you sign up to perform.

Live @Barfly Elviss, Black Market Movement, Last Partisan. Rock punk upstarts Elviss are not using 'The King's name in vain but actually take their moniker from a military tracking device (Enhanced Low-level Visible and Infrared Surveillance System) 7.30pm £4 adv Chicago @The New Theatre Mon - Thurs 7.30pm; Fri & Sat 5.30pm & 8.45pm. As if you didn’t already know...

Chicago is the kiss-and-tell tale of Roxie Hart, a nightclub dancer, who kills her lover, Billy Flynn, a sharp lawyer who turns Roxie into a celebrity; and Velma Kelly, a dancing jailbird with an ear for the headlines and an eye for talent. Above all a reminder of what great theatre (note: theatre, NOT cinema) can be. Upper Circle £8.50 for 5:30 shows.

Lashtastic @Solus The Union’s regular Friday night shenanigans. 10pm-2am £3.50/£3 adv.

Full Fat @Moloko Funk, Breakbeats, Hip-hop, Motown, Retro Disco + Electro Boogie. Drinks Promos all night, retro vid's/visuals, regular guest Dj's. free B4 11pm. til 2am.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10pm, £3.50 Chaos @Metros £2.50 b4 10pm Higher Learning @The Toucan Award winning Hip hop night brought to you

by Dregz & Captain, This week the second and final heat of the annual MC battle commences. 10pm- £5. And in the bar- DJ Chaz & Kris Jenkins - The city’s most eclectic selectors! £3.50/Free before 10pm.

Off The Shelf @BSB Start your weekend on the edge of town with residents, The Reload Jockeys and Kovas, spinning real funk, liquid drum&bass and fluid breakbeats. Free before 10pm, a mere £1 thereafter 9-2am.

Live @Barfly Nick Harper / Martha Tilston / Smokehand.

‘Nick has developed a reputation for creating great audience rapport. While his songs can be intense and emotionally charged, in concert Nick is relaxed, spontaneous and always enthralling.’ Guitar and nice singing it seems. 7.30pm £6 adv.

Silent Running @Clwb Ifor Bach Silent Running Presents a Ram Records Showcase with... Andy C and Shimon along with residents Haze and Focus. Middle bar beats and breaks with Chico Fresco and Westone. 10pm £10.

Rosie Walters Band@Cafe Jazz Blues at the Jazz Cafe, St Mary’s Street presented by Bluesdragon Club.

Wales Jazz Composers Orchestra @Riverbank Hotel Some of Wales‘ finest musicians performing pieces by Welsh composers. Made a big impression at Brecon Jazz Festival this year. 9pm £4/£3.

Live Acoustic @Taf See facing page for details.

Comedy Club @Seren Las 8-11pm £4 Soul Motion @Moloko Check out this wicked night if you are into funk, soul, boogaloo, rare groove or dancefloor jazz. til 2am Sabotage @Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo £1 entry before 11.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50 Circular Music Open Session @The Toucan Unsigned talent, anyone can arrange a spot. House guitar provided! 8pm12.30am- £1 after 9pm Live @The Union 222 Cartel presents The Sickness Mixtape Tour: UK hip-hop: Rodney P, Scratch Perverts, Tony Vegas, Plus One, Prime Cuts... Jungle warfare: Skibadee, Danny Wheeler, Subfocus, Catch... R&B: MouseDodge. 9-3am £12.50.

Live @Barfly Cherryfalls / The International Karate Plus / Lucent. Cherryfalls had played only three gigs and had not even settled on a name when the head of Island Records offered them a development deal. 7.30pm £5 Live @Clwb Ifor BachThe Guillaume Seam, Chariots, Shaped By Fate, Dignity Dies First.

This is going to be loud. 8pm.

Flook @St. David’s Hall Part of the ‘Roots Unearthed’ season which uses the level 3 Bar. What is a bodhran? They play one in any case. 7:30pm £8/£6 (NUS).

Bent @The Sherman TheatreThe Graeae Theatre Company. 1934, amid awakening fascist terror and persecution of homosexuals, a surprising love story unfolds. From seamy Berlin nightclubs to the horror of Dachau, Bent is a harrowing account of love, hate and prejudice. 8pm £10/£8.

Everyman Theatre @Chapter Arts Centre Vanity Fair. Tues - Sat.Vanity Fair ruthlessly exposes the foibles of nineteenth century society. 8pm £7.50/£6 (concession tickets on Tuesday and Wednesday only).

Come Play @Solus Trusty student favourite and a weekly sell-out, Come Play aims for the student mainstream and hits the target every time. The ‘Come Play Girls’ have proved particularly popular and lollipops are not uncommon. 9-2am £3.50 adv.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm.

Saturday @Incognito Swiss + pals from the house circuit of wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, escape. til 2am.

Uberalles @Barfly New club night with the usual indie suspects and the usual sweaty atmosphere.

Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am free with flyer before 10pm/ £4 after.

The Mothership Convention @The Toucan Big Strides. A new unsigned Funk/Rock trio from London’s underground scene (which is not to imply they are buskers on the London underground). First Welsh gig for a band tipped as the next big thing! £5. Bar- DJ Chaz and Kris Jenkins downstairs. £3.50/ free before 10pm.

Live @Barfly Stephen Fretwell / Prisoners Of The Sun / Karma Truffle. Acoustic Tour for the hotly tipped Stephen Fretwell. He will be supporting Keane around the time of the tour - a lure, no doubt, to some of you, a warning alert to others. 7.30pm £5 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Sebon: Launch party for new Welsh language magazine, Y Seler. Rasal Records will be bringing their roster to take over the night.

Winebago, Gogz, Alun Tan Lan and Gwilym Morus will be performing (in Welsh I would imagine). 8pm £5/4.

Hayley Westenra @St. David’s Hall Young classical singer from New Zealand plays a hugely overpriced show at St. David’s Hall. If she were ten years older the price would be about £10 cheaper. 7:30pm £21.

Rubber Duck @Solus 10pm -2am £3.50 on the door/ £3 adv.

Wednesday social @The Barfly Relax and soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm.

All Three Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Cheapskates @Metros Alt & Cheese. 9-2am.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn Bring your music and play it. From 8pm. Free.

ElectroMoloko @Moloko ‘Raunchy Electro’, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem. 8pm-2am Free entry.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ and clubbing society’s new weekly night. The Philly becomes a haven for people into dance music of all kinds and gives members a chance to DJ. Look forward to a combination of lots of different types of dance music from progressive or funky house, to breaks, tecno and hard house. 8 -1am. Free for members/ £1(NUS).

Dungeon’s @The Toucan Rock Club Featuring the best Live Rock Bands and special £1 drinks promotions! Free before 9pm/£2 after. And in the bar...Bread And ButterNew night of Hip Hop and New Beats 10pm £2 free before 10pm.

Live @Barfly Joya / Priya Thomas / Every Man Jack. 7.30pm £4adv Bjorn Again @St. David’s Hall Home Swede Home Tour. What a God-Awful tour name, though it fits the act. Self explanatory I think. But, as St. David’s point out, please be aware that the audience usually stands from early in the show and that strobe lighting will be used: Dangerous stuff. From £11.50 (NUS).

Paul Jones Trio @Cafe Jazz Compelling and creative Cardiff based jazz pianist in a rare trio setting. 8.45pm £3/£2.

Bill Fletcher Cooperative @Riverbank Hotel Highly accomplished Charles Mingus inspired jazz band. 9pm £4/£3.

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party @Seren Las The Union’s weekly jazz venture, presented by the Cardiff Student Jazz Society, this week featuring the frankly remarkable, Os Sambistas (which translates roughly as ‘The Samba Players’). A recently formed local sixpiece band, Os Sambistas will be lighting up Seren Las with a night of traditional brazilian music. Infectious rhythms and uplifting melodies guarantee a party mood and a busy dancefloor. Definitely not to be missed.

7pm £2.

Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs' end of the week: a night that takes you where-ever you want to go. So long as it involves nothing but house music.

8-12.30pm, Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Acoustic open mic sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen.

Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas.

8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm.

Cleverdick Quiz @Taf, SU They ask the questions, you buy the beer. 611pm.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar 8pm. Proof that Medics prefer to be quizzed later.

NO WAX @Moloko Bring your MP3's and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Live @ Barfly 4ft Fingers / Fastlane / Jaded.

7pm £6.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Rachel Stamp / Ariel - X / Donde Stars.

Glitter at the ready, for once more David Ryder-Prangley and his group of glam pixies will grace us with thier presence, when they return to Clwb Ifor Bach. The band have been holed up in the studio recording the follow up to the brilliant 'Oceans Of Venus'. Lets all hope that they will play some new songs as well as the Stamp classics. Do dress up!

8pm £5.

Twisted By Design @The City Arms Pretty much anything other than chart or dance music. 8.30pm-2am. Free.

Judgement Night @Metros The best in rock and metal. £2.50 or less.

Soundbytes @Journeys Run by resident DJ Dave Grooveslave. It features live performances, usually electronic, by local artists. From 8pm til late. Free.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Successful drum ‘n’ bass and hip-hop night.

Presenting Dial Up Records launch party! Feat Optimas Prime live + residents 8-2am.

Uprising @Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska. Excellent night.10pm. £3.

Bar @The Toucan Boomshanka Live Acoustic Soul & Hippy Funk with The Pockets and Chucky Egg–8pm-1am £3/£2 Parked @The Toucan The excellent band showcase returns after the summer break, featuring Evennine. Plus guests and resident DJs. £4/£3 9-2am.

Pink Grease @Barfly See facing page for details.

Devious @Barfly Rock. Metal. Classic. Old school. Cardiff's newest rock night hits its second date at Cardiff Barfly. Great music + track requests + rockin' atmosphere + cheap drinks = the best thursday night out you've ever had.

Possibly shoddy addition - I’ll get back to you . . .

10.30-2 am, £3 entry.

Julia Harris @Clwb Ifor Bach See facing page for details.

Russian Cossack State Dance Company @St. David’s Hall Direct from Moscow, this sensational world-class company of 40 dancers, musicians and singers is widely acknowledged as Russia’s premier Cossack Dance Troupe.

Dynamic and spectacular, this will dazzle and delight audiences with amazing feats of acrobatic Cossack dance. 7:30pm from £11 (NUS).

Andrew Coleman Quartet @Cafe Jazz Four people playing jazz. That’s all I’ve got.

@Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton / Box Office No: 029 2030 4400

AN ARTS centre that comprises cinema, gallery, theatre, bar, cafe and shop, Chapter is consistently the best place in Cardiff in which to expose yourself to all things creative. Their film showings, ranging from blockbusters to independents to foriegn films, are arguably the major attraction. In recognition of their all-round spiffyness we present here a weekly summary of the various filmic curiosities they have on offer.

(Consult www.chapter.org for times)

You're My Hero (Eres Mi Heroe)

Fri 5-Wed 10 Nov/Spain/2003 103 mins/subtitled/12A. Dir: Antonio Cuadri.

With Manuel Lozano, Alfonso Mena.

A coming-of-age tale set in 1976 Seville, against the backdrop of transition. As the winds of change start to blow through the city, Ramon arrives – faced, after his father has been transferred yet again, with fitting in at an age when everything is awkward. Bullies, new friends, enlightenment, betrayal and first love figure in this semi-autobiographical film.

A Way Of Life

Thurs 11 Nov/Wales/2004/90 mins Dir: Amma Asante. With Stephanie James, Sara Gregory, Oliver Haden , Brenda Blethyn.

A directorial debut from Amma Asante, set against the backdrop of the South Wales valleys. Racism leads educationally challenged, bored, paranoid and penniless youths to the violent murder of a Turkish Muslim man. The film reveals the many lows in the lives of teenage mother Leigh-Anne Williams and friends, Robbie, Gavin and Stephen, that lead them to such an act.

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

Page 35

The Jon Snow Photo Casebook EP.2 WEEK 4

Dr. Matthew

grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - the address to send your addressing emails

Bin Bag Vandals Cause Offence Dear Professor (I think you deserve a promotion) Matt, Coming back from a relaxing weekend at home, I was appalled as I walked down Woodville Road to discov-

Today, Jon Snow paid Phil a visit. He decided that flowers were innapropriate and so brought Phil his favourite thing: A Big Mac.

The next day Jon brought another Big Mac and laid it neatly next to the first. He also wore his favourite pirate hat and had a smoke.

Today, Jon is dressed in a fetching rangers’ hat, and also sports a THIRD bag of Phil’s favourite burger.

Jon misses Phil terribly.

er the contents of a bin bag scattered all over the pavement. Normally this wouldn’t tickle my anger receptors, but in this case it was the stomach-wrenching matter which I was forced to pick my way through which so revolted me… a whole host of used sanitary towels and tampons complete with dried blacky-red menstrual fluid. I find it horrible enough to imagine this stuff coming out of people each and every month but to see someone’s on public display offended me in ways I never thought possible. Then there’s the further thought that that some diseased individual actually came IN CONTACT

Hello Matt We were wondering, after your lyrics of last week, if you could perhaps write another one.

However, we think that prog. bands are wanky bollocks and hate them. We play a bit of metal ourselves and often think about politics and the things that metal bands have always thought about. We also have a singer who currently has tonsillitis and he can’t do much. We have an EP to record, and we’re two songs short. The EP is going to be called; "Death on a Stick."

Can you write us something to do with veganism, because this week has been World Vegan Week. We realise that you may be fed up with such requests, but we want to be able to piss on the world’s prog. bands as they seem to be re-emerging. You are probably to blame for this by the way, so we’re glad that Phil is dead.

Delighted that Phil died, eh?

Well. WELL. Tough guys, are we? Vegan tough guys no less.

No offence to vegans but veganism is fucking stupid and I believe it to be borne exclusively of human boredom. "Can we evolve any further chaps? No? Oh knob it then, why are we

Concludes Next Week..

WITH THEM. My problem is how on earth could someone actually do that? Seriously, they must look like normal people so how can I tell them apart and what should I do if I ever find out that it’s an individual known to me!

Thanks prof.

2nd Year Woodville Rd. Resident.

Kill them, kill them until they are dead. This is probably the worst thing in the world, in all of eternity, and will also doubtless mean apocalypse is nigh and things like that. It’s outstanding that we have no recollection of falling out of our mothers isn’t it? This would be degrading and most people would fall over were that memory to say hello. However, we do not remember such events, and damn good show we don’t.

Eponymous, by the way, is a gay word, yet one that could be propagated thoroughly if attached to a used tampon. I believe used tampons are possibly THE most offensive things

in the world – even more so than the word ‘random’ and vegans and even earwax. It does show how rubbish pavements are – harbouring such filth. We could wage a war on pavements, and crush them with planes and big tractors and fat people on scooters. We could rip the system of flagstones to piss, using a bomb.

And some banana skins for the fat people to slip on. Woodville Road looks like Chernobyl postaccident, anyway. And the flat buildings and things smelling funny. And some nuclear radiation wobbling about and calling residents, “spackers”. In conclusion, someone that gets fresh with a bin bag full of ladywaste should always be construed as a terrorist. If we molest the terrorists a bit more we may even find out. Not that we know how to molest them properly. Never mind. So there we are, Woodville Road folks – put your refuse away more considerately you grubby tamponhording peasants.

Matthew.

Vegan metal? Not a sausage.

"Mortar Attack" – 1st year.

Jon Snow has a Russian General’s hat on. Phil always found this hat amusing, and would probably smile.

Jon Snow decides on a plan...

November 8th 2004

eating MILK and EGGS? This is surely the best thing we can do since we aren’t growing any new limbs." But I suppose since you emailed, and since I have a duty to do some things sometimes, I’ll have a bash.

"Peer Pressure Made Me A Vegan."

(Whispered intro) "As I recline in my murky room and play with my balls after watching video footage of some mortars going off, I consider at time of woe In this time I considered my meals, and realised what was making my bowels flow…

VEGAN! BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR! PEER! PRESSURE! PEER PRESSURE MADE ME A VEGAN BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR! FEED ME MILK AND YOU SHALL BE BUUUUUUUUR-ned.

Soya, soya is my way of life, I shall eat no bacon for I am so tough My friends told me not to touch the cow so I am now sleeping rough None of this mayo shit for me, for I only need Quorn to look buff!

VEGAN (RAR!) Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuur!

Peer! (Peer!) PRESSURE (Buurrr!) PEER PRESSURE (BUUUURR!) MADE ME A VEGAN! FEED me milk and DIEEEE I wanted to be cool and esteemed - not considering what was making me tired Eating eggs was only making me get wired So I quit the butter to be admired VEGAN (RAR!) Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuur!

Peer! (Peer!) PRESSURE (Buurrr!) PEER PRESSURE MADE ME A twatting VEGAN! My mum told me to gobble her cheese toasties and make it quick So I told her to die and waffled her with a brick She fell over and produced lots of sick.

VEGAN (RAR!) Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuur!

Peer! (Peer!) PRESSURE (Buurrr!) PEER PRESSURE MADE ME A VEGAN! FEED ME CHEESE AND GET BOFFED WITH A BRICK! (You SLAG BUUURRRR!)" Thus concluding my service for this week.

Matt ©

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: Email your problems to the address at the top of the page and I will promise to try and answer them depending on a few factors often including whether or not my eyes are open. Wizard. And it’s not even a green wizard. He’s white and has a big sword. ANYWAY-anything goes on this page. Apart from Ebola.

And V.D. And other nefarious illnesses like measles and radiation sickness. Boom-boom!

Even though politics are undoubtedly rubbish, the US

presidential election took place this evening, and because I’m polite I decided that I would commentate on events EXACTLY and as SPEEDILY as my fingers will allow. All night. Therefore the following is an accurate portrayal of BBC1’s extensive and pointless coverage.

11:50pm: Dave Dimbleby says some things about some states and these two guys.

11:51pm: Some smug shit saying stuff about these two guys.

11:52pm: Peter Snow!

And a fucking MASSIVE helicopter cunningly rendered by a computer.

12:03am: I ought to be in bed. However one of the guys is beating the other 34-3 and Peter is getting pumped, bless him and his pastel shirt.

12:15am: I love live television. “Do I speak?”

“Sure. Or you could just stand THERE, or walk off”.

12:27am: What is an “Iraq”?

12:48am: Oop..ooop you’re on fella. I just saw a finger telling you to speak. And Dimbleby just did a bit of a count on his finger. It was exciting.

This coverage, however, is guff, and I am considering a boycott of it. This may come into effect in around seven minutes.

01:04: Quote of the evening: “The way America works is that we have one President at a time.” …Really?

01:39: Everyone is saying that most states don’t matter really. If this is the case, why can’t the election be an hour long, and these worthless states piss off? Dimbleby = hero.

01:47: Dimbleby just called the French “cheese-eating surrender monkeys”. Remarkable.

02:08: “Incumbent” makes me think “cucumber.”

02:25: Political songs rocking my face off – Peter is still dancing on his computer thing. Bless his pastel shirt.

02:40: Polling stations look like a lot of fun.

“Bonkers”, one might even say.

03:03: It definitely looks like at least one of the Presidential candidates might win.

03:19: Florida, apparently. Well, that’s what I thought too. Florida indeed.

03:24: “Did you vote sir?” “No.” “I see.”

03:31: Dimbleby: “No-one knows what on earth is going on.”

03:42: Someone is absolutely sure of victory.

03:55: People are still voting. Lunatics. Not seen Peter for a while.

Perhaps the helicopter came back.

04:19: Willies to this.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery is broken.

Sorry.

Marina Newth, Ladies’ RFC, November 2004

“We didn’t start brilliantly, but once we pulled together we got the win we deserved.”

Spor t gair rhydd

Issue 774, 8 November 2004 | Email: grsport@hotmail.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

Fenced in

BUSA

Fencing’s bizarre BUSA venue

Reports from another successful week in the BUSA leagues

Page 38

Pages 37, 38, 39 and 40

IMG NETBALL Match report

IMG ACTION: Below

SOCSI 0 - 16 LAW A

A game of two halves This week we return to netball, getting both teams’ views of the one-sided encounter between Socsi and Law A

Sorry Socsi’s summary

The Law low-down

By Sarah Poole

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON had arrived again and the Law A girls were fighting fit and raring to go.

However, this time they were to face Socsi and with perfect weather conditions, Law A reinforced their superior status within IMG net- Anna 9 ball once again.

Sarah 8 From the moment the Ste ph 8 umpire blew the whistle, C a rl y8 Law bossed the match.

Ally Brown (C) who is Beth 8 renowned for being Claire 8 skilful and profession- Ally 9 al, flew effortlessly up Ge orgie 9 and down the court.

This was complimented by a great defence.

Karly Loftus (GK), Steph Adams and Sarah Dodds (GD) managed to stifle the few chances Socsi created. The defence’s amazing ability to intercept passes and mark their opponents contributed to Socsi’s inevitable defeat.

After the first few minutes, the immaculate Georgie Buckley (GS) scored the first goal of the match, displaying her obvious talent for the sport. Anna Goater (GA) proved her skill by shooting three consecutive goals. Just before the end of the first

half, Georgie Buckley shot the eighth goal while Socsi failed to break down the resilient Law A defence.

This also consists of Beth Heley (WD) who blocked her opponent, making it hard for Socsi to progress to their end of the court.

With only a few moments spare for a quick team talk at half time, the Law A Captain Anna Goater motivated her team with a few suggestions for the second half. This rubbed off on her players as the second half clearly showed. This confirms that Anna is, without doubt, the best Netball Captain in IMG. During the second half, Anna and Georgie scored another eight goals between them. The Law A attack was stronger than ever before as Socsi were unable to score any goals. The feisty Claire Daw dominated as WA making sure she was free for every pass that came her way.

Law A have shown that they are a force to be reckoned with.

quick attack from Law but this was The next few minutes led to the quickly extinguished by the speed Law A goal-rush, regardless of how and pace of our brilliant defenders.

Alas, they could not be kept at bay fantastic the defence team of Katie Thompson, Cady Dewi and Vickey for long and the scoring started again. Yet it wasn’t over without a Riley really were. fight.

Nevertheless, Socsi weren’t going With perhaps the best to give up that easipass of the match, Katy ly and Alice Thomas got Socsi hearts Vennart, along with racing as she finally got the other attacking the ball past the Law A players, capitalised defence and into the on some of the sim- Ellie Smith 7 0 1 circle for what seemed ple schoolgirl errors rt a n n Alice Ve like the first time in Law A made, with 6 y rr Pa ages, but to no avail.

F r a n c e s c a Helen lton 6 Final score, 16-0.

Pritchard constantly Jenna Wa Ouch. But can I just proving that being Cadi Dewi 7 say, girls, the passing petit and agile is an Katie Thomas 7 was excellent, at advantage! a Francesc times you reminded At 5-0, any other 9 rd ha us of the Brazilian team would have start- Pritc y8 football team, so ed to lose hope but not V ickey Rile 8 n smooth and elegant!

Socsi, with Law A Katie Thompso It wasn’t that we nearly conceding, were outplayed, just a bit ‘outagain with some simple passing errors and this time Ellie butched’.

Also, as someone whispered in my Smith looked the one likely to score.

Only seconds later, Ellie was ear about the Law A goal shooter, wrongly penalised, giving away a "she must have a net in her bedfree pass, much to the protest of the room."

It was a match about shooters, Socsi supporters, leaving Law leadtheirs was shit hot and we didn’t have ing 8-0 at the interval.

The second half started with a one.

By Lizzie Henden unfortunately it was not to be.

Player Ratings

A CLASS ABOVE: Law trounce Socsi

PHOTOS: Charlie Palmer

AFTER WHAT SEEMED to be a positive start to the season, with one win already behind us, the team knew this match was not going to be a walk in the park.

As well as being one of the best teams of last season, Law A had a height advantage over the more ladylike Socsi and we were missing our two shooters.

Socsi started well with strong and consistent passes getting to their opponents net within seconds of the first whistle.

With a free pass given against Law (three feet girls, it’s not hard), it looked like we were going to take the early lead, but

Player Ratings

Architecture find blueprint for success IMG ROUND-UP 3/11/04

By Christopher Hopper ARCHITECTURE FC PROVED that persistence pays off when they narrowly beat a tenacious Euros side, bruised but not battered after an opening day defeat the previous week.

A scrappy Paul Hamilton goal was symptomatic of a terrible pitch and, in the end, it was all that could separate the sides. Architecture captain Gwyn Roberts, sidelined because of a knee injury, acknowledged Euros’ dogged spirit: "It was a tight but open game. Both teams played well and it could have gone either way but I think we just edged it".

It was Architecture who started the brightest. Early in the first half, a flowing counter-attack cut through Euros like a particularly well-sharpened knife, but the chance was spurned comically by Dave Pratt. In the centre of Architecture’s midfield, the impressive Paul Pickering and Dan Mahoney were the machine-like driving force behind many of the team’s best first half moments.

However, all too often, Architecture’s forwards were met with resistance in the imposing form of Euros centre-backs Dom Nichols

and Andrew Freckleton.

For their part, Euros suffered from a lack of penetration in the first period, failing to make their possession count. They were often anonymous in the middle of midfield and resorted to Jack Charltonesque long ball tactics which Architecture’s Digger Mattholy and the accomplished Oliver Croft dealt with all too easily. Consequently, they were best on the flanks with the attack-minded fullback and captain Nick Pollitt surging forward, and left-winger Ricky Stringer causing Architecture problems.

The rousing half-time team talks certainly did the trick for Euros. In the second half, they were much improved, creating more from midfield for their lively strikers to latch on to. But their stubborn and deep defending eventually proved their undoing. Midway through the second half, a goalmouth scramble left the ball to the predatory Hamilton who slid it past trailing defenders and the goalkeeper. Architecture kept creating and never looked like conceding afterwards, and went on to make it two wins out of two in the IMG. Afterwards, Pollitt was unhappy not to have got something from the

game: "I’m disappointed. The game was open and I’m annoyed we lost because we should have done better.

They played well though".

Meanwhile, Architecture’s Roberts was pleased with his team’s good start to the season. "We’re a new team but I’m hoping we can keep progressing".

PLAYER RATINGS Architecture: Clem Brown 6, John Young 7, Emyr Owen 7, Oliver Croft 9 – Star Man, Paul Pickering 8, Dave Pratt 7, Daniel Curtain 7, Digger Mattholy 8, Dan Mahoney 7, Matt Pope 7, Paul Hamilton 8 Subs: Nick Arthurell 7, Alex Wallace 6, James Webb 6, Dave Pratt 7, Tom Freeman 7 Euros: Andy Collins 7,James Coleman 7, Nick Pollitt 8, Dom Nichols 7, Andrew Freckleton 7, Rich Newman 7, Jem Howells 7, Ricky Stringer 8, Niall Clark 7, Mike Peters 7, Matt Gilbert 8 Subs: Rob Bowen 7, Ioan Davies 7, Paul Johnston 7

NETBALL Results from 3/11/04: Group A: English Soc. 20-0 Engin Girls Psychology B 8-6 Carbs B Group B: Chemsoc B 15-1 Optometry B Optometry A 2-19 Cardiff Uni A Pharmacy A 14-6 Carbs A Group C: Pharmacy B 16-5 Pharmacy C Cardiff Uni B 12-13 Chemsoc Socsi 0-16 Law Fixtures for 10/11/04: English Soc v Psychology A (Umpire: Cardiff Uni A) 12.30pm Optometry B v Cardiff Uni A (Umpire: Chemsoc) 1.00pm Pharmacy B v Chemsoc (Umpire: Law B) 1.30pm Psychology B v Law B (Umpire: Chemsoc B) 2.00pm Pharmacy A v Chemsoc B (Umpire: Socsi 2.30pm) Pharmacy C v Socsi (Umpire: Engin Girls) 3.00pm Engin Girls v Carbs B (Umpire: Cardiff Uni B) 3.30pm Carbs A v Optometry (Umpire: Law A) 4.00pm Cardiff Uni B v Law A (Umpire: Optometry A) 4.30pm FOOTBALL Results from 3/11/04: A:Economics 3-2 AFC History

Irish Society 0-3 Banko FC Euros 0-1 Architecture Christian Union 1-4 Jomec B:Accountancy 8-1 Psycho Athletico AFC Camp Allen 0-3 Optometry Chemsoc 1-0 Engin A C: John Jenkins FC 2-2 Engin B Carbs B 9-1 English Soc Earth Soc 4-0 Athletico Roy RP Lakers 7-1 Socsi D: Momed 1-0 Cardiff Dragons Inter Me Nan 1-8 Vasco De Pharma Law B 2-3 Law A Dynamo Centurion 2-1 Japsoc Fixtures for 10/11/04 Economics FC v Banko FC Irish Society v Architecture Euros v Jomec Christian Union v AFC History Accountancy v Woodville Screamers Carbs A v Optometry AFC Camp Allen v Engin A Chemsoc v Psycho Athletico John Jenkins FC v English Soc Carbs B v Athletico Roy Earth Soc v Socsi RP Lakers v Engin B Momed v Vasco De Pharma Inter Me Nan v Law A Law B v Japsoc Dynamo Centurion v Cardiff Dragons Rugby Results Carbs A 24-7 SAWSA Carbs B 5-3 Law Pharmacy 17-5 Gym Gym Masts 5-0 Engineering

University Sport

November 8 2004

Page 37

grsport@hotmail.com

GR SPORT FOLIO Bringing you the university’s top sportspeople Chris Jeffryes

Men’s Squash Captain

By Ed Jones

SQUASH: MORE THAN just a game for overweight, middleaged men. Cardiff’s squash club boasts over 100 members and last year competed among the UK’s eight elite university teams.

Meet the man at the top of the pile - Chris Jeffryes.

Jeffryes, 21, from Buckinghamshire, wasn’t always a simple squash star. Anyone who’s ever met the man and thought his face familiar will not be surprised to learn of his earlier life as a teen model.

Between the ages of 16 and 18, Chris posed for the likes of HSBC and more glamorously still, Letts revision guides. The despairing

Jeffryes explained, “The work soon dried up. I’ve often asked myself why - just got ugly I guess.”

Jeffryes has shed the bitching and bitterness of the catwalk for a nonetheless hectic life here in Cardiff. The Business Admin student is secretary of his school’s sports society and has also been a member of the university hockey club for two years, playing in the Men’s third XI while also enjoying terrific success within the ladies’ club.

He said, “I really enjoy the social side of hockey. But then we’ve had some awesome outings in the squash club. Last week we had pub golf for the start of term and about 30 people came and had an amazing time”.

This year, Jeffryes will only captain the university in the BUSA competition as he begins competing for the David Lloyd club on a Saturday.

He explained, “They play in a higher Saturday league than the university – in the Welsh Premiership.

Playing at the higher standard is good but with everyone my own age, the uni stuff is obviously better socially.”

The squash club holds club nights on Mondays and Fridays and Chris is clear about the demand of playing at a high level. He commented, “It’s a real physical test requiring speed, agility and loads of determination.

The people who I used to play in tournaments with as a junior are now turning pro and they have unbeliev-

Korf blimey

Despair turns to delight after cr ucial comeback

By Gareth Owen Hockey Correspondent A THRILLING COMEBACK from a two-goal deficit saw Cardiff’s hockey firsts secure a memorable 3-2 win at the expense of newlypromoted Marjons.

The game started brightly with efforts at both ends, but neither side were able to make the most of the early chances, both sets of forwards firing their shots wide.

Marjons were working hard to hassle the Cardiff midfield, putting a stop to their usual quick passing style.

Frustration began to creep into the Cardiff players as they found it hard to pass their way out of their defensive half, eventually resulting in a dangerous free-hit outside the Cardiff D being conceded.

The ball was quickly switched to an unmarked player who had time to pick his spot, the finish coming through a crowd of players obstructing goalkeeper Adam French’s line of sight.

The Marjons side were buoyed by the cheering home crowd and the first half finished with Cardiff 2-0 down as more poor defending allowed another free shot from just inside the

By Amy Miskell and Sarah Bayes Korfball Correspondents

PHOTO: Adam Gossan

SCRAMBLE: Cardiff recover to secure victory D that squeezed into the near post.

The second half saw Cardiff reacting to a strong team-talk by skipper Tony Gough, immediately winning a flurry of short corners, Gough himself converting a well-drilled move, sweeping home from close range to put Cardiff back in the game.

Cardiff set about dominating the match, with medics Rob Sparrow and Duncan Courtney influential in dissecting the crumbling Marjons defence time and time again. A flurry of short corners were won, but Cardiff struggled to convert until stopper Chris Rhodes scored with a great individual effort after the rou-

able fitness regimes.

“I always knew I wanted to play squash at uni. I played South of England stuff when I was younger and have always taken it fairly seriously.

“We had a really good side in my first year and qualified for the elite eight. Last year we played that in a round-robin over two weekends in Bath and then Birmingham.

“We had a much weaker side last year and came eighth out of the elite eight. We’re much stronger this year, though, so I hope we can get back into the eight through the play-offs.”

Chris Jeffryes – not just a pretty face, but a dab hand with a squash racquet as well.

tine broke down.

Cardiff sensed a third goal was coming, so when adventurous fullback Edward Harold de Crespigny Doyne-Ditmas was fouled after breaking down the wing, having linked well with Martin Freshman, nobody was surprised when Duncan Courtney stepped up to lash the ball into the bottom corner to cap a great comeback and seal the win for Cardiff.

A post-match interview with captain Tony Gough revealed that he was “very pleased with his side’s determination and spirit” in securing a vital three points.

CARDIFF’S KORFBALL team travelled to join 23 other competitors in Nottingham University’s fancy dress tournament and nearly beat last year’s winners.

Chosen themes varied from chavs to the Smurfs. Cardiff’s contribution was an eclectic 70s inspired mix.

This was the first tournament that Cardiff had attended this season. The majority of the players were new to the team and to the sport.

Despite the flares, frilly shirts and Afros, the team put in a good performance and managed to produce some impressive results.

Highlights included a respectable 43 loss to last year’s National Champions, Sheffield Hallam. The Hallam team also commented that Cardiff had been their toughest opposition.

A hat-trick from Joey Niblett ensured a 3-0 victory over the Leeds team, with ‘Man of the Match’ Iwan Bevan deserving a special mention.

FANCY: Dressed for action

BECAUSE WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU! In the next instalment of our new series, we hear from Amy Davies as she argues that the Funky Arse Disco Dancers are the jewel in the crown of Cardiff University’s plethora of sporting clubs. And yes, it is a sport.

Disagree? Think your team is a more worthy candidate for the title? Email us with 400 words:grsport@hotmail.com

WHAT DO YOU think of when I say ‘David Beckham’?

Probably things like football, England captain and Real Madrid.

What else? Sarongs, Rebecca Loos, glamour. Yes, that’s right – GLAMOUR! Who said sport can’t be glamorous? Who said it was all blood, sweat and tears? Whoever did obviously hadn’t heard of, firstly, David Beckham, and secondly, Funky Arse Disco Dancing!

Wait! “Dancing isn’t a sport,” I hear you cry. Well, a piece of information for you … it is! We train as hard as any other sport and so, with that in mind, let us consider why Funky Arse Disco Dancing is quite simply, the premier sporting society in Cardiff.

Forget football, rugby, netball, lacrosse and any other sport you’d care to mention – shaking your Funky Arse is the ultimate!

For starters, we have t-shirts and sweatshirts with PINK writing on them! Need I say more? Come on ladies; you know it’s the way to go.

Secondly, where else can you spend an afternoon under the tutelage of the beautiful, incredibly talented president, Ms Holly Mills, bumping, grinding, shaking and doing the disco move? What better way to keep fit?

Of course, then there is the committee – a joy in themselves. There’s me (enough said) and the lovely Nicky, who finds it in her heart to dish out money to buy members drinks.

Then there’s Rachael, who officially makes the world’s best newsletters, and of course, Vicky and Chloe who spend their days thinking up drinking

games, so that our 200 members (bet you didn’t know we were that popular) have fun at socials.

Rubber Duck watches in awe as we strut our funky stuff in Solus and particularly during our joint socials with the football team (ladies, if the pink thing didn’t convince you, surely this will.)

All this fun while working towards a ‘Funkylicious’ show at the end of the year. Hotpants. Leg warmers.

200 fit women wearing both (have I got the attention of all the blokes out there?.)

What more could you want? Ah

yes, of course – a funky arse! (Those with non-funky arses need not apply).

For those of you who witnessed the spectacular glitz, glamour and the absolute pure theatre that was us dancing at Slash recently, you will know what I’m talking about.

Prepare yourselves, as there is more to come – some bumping and grinding at the AU slave auction, Sexy Santa at Rubber Duck and of course, the final showpiece.

And so, what more could you want in a sports society? Teamwork, friendship, laughter, and entertainment… I rest my case.

University Sport

Page 38

By Thomas Martin CARDIFF MEN’S fencing team secured a notable victory against a strong Plymouth side.

The match started out well in the sabre with good performances from everyone in what has become the strong point of the team.

Although Plymouth did manage to get back a few points, they were finally beaten in the last game by Chris Markall, who has had an excellent season so far, to end the sabre 45-30 in favour of Cardiff.

The foil saw our team’s best result of the season by a long way. Plymouth never really stood a chance and were absolutely dominated from the start.

The final score was 45-8 to Cardiff.

The epee saw a spirited comeback from Plymouth who, despite having already lost the match overall, held on to an early lead.

Despite a late effort from Powell, Cardiff suffered yet again at the epee, which has been the team’s biggest downfall all year, so that the final score was 45-37 to Plymouth.

The final score was then 127-83 to Cardiff, which consolidates the fencing team’s third position in the league.

Volleyball victory

By Ellie Beattie CARDIFF’S WOMEN’S volleyball team recorded a stylish 3-0 victor y over Welsh rivals Aberystwyth on Wednesday.

Despite fielding a relatively new team, Cardiff displayed a togetherness that belied the squad’s lack of match practice. The team’s advanced tactics comfortably put paid to a poor Aberystwyth side as Cardiff ran out comfortable victors.

PUT TO THE S WO R D

PHOTOS: Luke Pavey

Fencers foil Plymouth

November 8 2004

Double-booking fiasco leaves fencers to play BUSA matches in Law lecture theatre

By Matt Ramsden LAST WEDNESDAY, Cardiff University’s fencing fixtures descended into farce as the women’s team were forced to complete their BUSA match in the law lecture theatre.

Midway through a hard fought game, the fencing team were informed by Park Place staff that the gym was double booked and they would have to move elsewhere to finish the fixture.

Aware that the abandonment of

the fixture would automatically award visitors Aberystwyth the full points, the team were forced to carry all of their equipment around the campus looking for somewhere to complete the fixture.

Women’s captain Rhian Chapman was quick to point out that this was not the first time such a debacle has occurred, "Quite regularly we have to move, sometimes to Solus, or the Great Hall. Due to space restrictions we even have to practice in Seren Las." Chapman was also keen to state

that this poses several questions, not only about the fairness of having such limited playing facilities, but also safety, as up to 60 people at a time can be expected to attend these training sessions.

When quizzed about these restrictions on the fencing club, Athletic Union Vice-President Fraser Watson commented, "Immediately, we contacted a representative of the fencing club and asked would they be able to complete their fixture within a twohour period.

"The representative replied that

there would be no problem whatsoever. As a result of this reply, we confirmed the fixture with Park Place.

Without passing responsibility, I must state that the providing of facilities for the fencing club is entirely in the hands of the university itself and not the AU." Fencing club president Tom Martin was adamant, however, that the AU’s proposal of the organisation of facilities after Christmas was inadequate, as it could result in lost points and a slip down BUSA league standings, due to forfeited games.

Despite missing several key players due to injuries and illness, Cardiff triumphed with several players being allowed to shine in positions where they had little experience.

The first half began badly for Cardiff. They struggled to stay focused

and missed several opportunities to score. UWE were leading 7-5 until Wales international Phillipa Tuttiett made a phenomenal three successive tries.

This successfully picked up the team's spirits and Cardiff began to pull together in an impressive display. The back line were used much more to spread the ball across the field, leading to overlaps that allowed Cardiff to increase their lead.

The back row included several freshers playing in unfamiliar positions. Jess Bain made an outstanding debut as full back. Her lack of experience did not show and her aggressive run led the team into one of many tries.

Further tries were scored by Beth Kenure, Rachel Merriman, Holly Searle, Marina Newth and scrum-half Zoë Prytherch who incurred an injury

in the second half. Prytherch was eventually persuaded to leave the field after playing on through the pain.

In the second half, UWE requested the play be changed to uncontested scrums, as one of their front row was inexperienced. This was a blow to Cardiff as scrums are one of the team's greatest strengths. This didn't cause any problems, however, and UWE failed to put any more points on the score sheet.

Player of the match was awarded to new player Ruth Osbourne who shone as inside centre and played with confidence. Osbourne communicated excellently and took the ball on with determination.

Captain Marina Newth was pleased with the result, "We didn't start brilliantly, but once we pulled together as a team we got our confidence back and we got the win we deserved."

Tuttiett’s try trio tonks UWE

By Sarah Bellingham

CARDIFF LADIES’ RUGBY remain unbeaten this season after yet another convincing win, beating University of West England away 49-7.

Lethal lacrosse remain unbeaten

By Frances Williams CARDIFF LADIES’ first lacrosse team continued their impressive form this season with a fantastic 18-2 demolition of UWIC on Wednesday afternoon.

Cardiff went into the match unbeaten and were psyched up from the start, opening the scoring within the first few minutes.

By quarter time, the opposition’s goalkeeper had had to withstand a barrage of shots flying in from every angle. This pressure on the opposition continued throughout the rest of the match too, with Sue Chandler, George Ewer, and Fran Mooney making lots of fantastic shots.

Bryony Smith also had a great match in

defence, with some brilliant interceptions and great blocks.

The defence worked together very well, managing to block UWIC out on a number of occasions, meaning that they couldn’t get near the goal.

Team captain Frances Williams was a constant threat, using her pace and agility to good effect. One moment she was in defence, making some powerful tackles, and the next she was running up the field to augment the attack.

Cardiff’s trademark teamwork was once again on display as UWIC were out played in every department. Concentration levels never diminished even when the result was beyond doubt, leading to the deserved 18-2 final score.

University Sport

November 8 2004

Page 39

grsport@hotmail.com

Leaky defence pulls plug on hopes of victory against Bath

Good run of results goes down the plug-hole as Cardiff throw in the towel CARDIFF UNIVERSITY firsts went into their game against Bath University firsts sitting in third position in the women’s Premier League South.

Two successive wins meant confidence was high, as shown in the first quarter when Cardiff matched Bath for talent, ball skills and fitness.

Defensively, Samantha Lyons and Jessica Hall successfully dealt with Bath’s respected England U21 goal shooter.

Just when Bath thought they were pulling away, Cardiff came right back. The score at the end of the first quarter was 13-

10.

Cardiff began to realise that they were in with a chance, as thoughts of last year’s thrashing in this fixture remained no more than a distant memory. Sophie Vaughan and Rosie Buse put on a heroic fight against the formidable Bath defence. The quarter ended with Cardiff leading Bath 21-19.

In the third quarter, captain Armstrong made changes and Cardiff struggled for continuity. Some poor umpiring decisions, combined with a determined Bath display, saw the visitors take a five-point lead.

As Cardiff went further behind,

Armstrong came back on and brought some determination back into the game. But again, poor decisions and wayward catching and passing gave Bath the chance to take a greater lead.

Cardiff felt hard done-by as the umpire seemingly ignored Bath’s frequent three feet infringements.

The game ended with Cardiff 20 points behind the visitors, a galling final scoreline of 26-46.

Armstrong commented, “It was a very disappointing result considering we started so well and were just as good as them.”

PHOTO: Charlotte Harries

Cardiff’s lawyers sentence rivals to defeat

Jury still out on opponents as football and rugby teams show no leniency to secure victory in the triangular Burges Salmon Cup

By Gareth Evans Football Correspondent Law A 6 Exeter 0 Law A 6 Bristol 0 LAW A SHOWED why they are IMG champions by hammering Exeter and Bristol in back-to-back matches last Saturday.

It seems ironic that a team of future lawyers should play in such lawless circumstances. With no professional referees, the players relied on makeshift officials, resulting in dubious decisions.

Law’s first match against Exeter was marshalled by a man who was dressed more for an alpine skiing holiday than football match, while the poor Exeter ‘keeper, who had just had to pick the ball out of the net six times, lost control of a rough Cardiff v Bristol fixture.

Refereeing aside, Law were well worth both victories. Exeter and Bristol rarely bothered Craig Weston in goal thanks to solid displays from centrebacks Ezra Smith and Dave Taylor, while their team-mates did their job at the other end.

Mark Cahill had a John Hartsonlike presence, using his strength to

hold the ball up well. However, unlike the original, he scored five goals, including an impressive hat-trick.

The first game saw Law A take on Exeter and, after a lively start, James Price opened the scoring with a close range shot and then won his team a penalty five minutes later. His brother, ‘Figo’ (nicknamed more for his silky skills than his Portuguese looks), converted the penalty to give them a 2-0 lead at half-time.

The floodgates opened in the second half and two goals were added from Cahill, one from Adam Pratley and a deserved goal from DJ, who had an inspiring game on the left flank.

Fergus Houlden gave a true captain’s performance in an equally onesided match against Bristol. The lawyers didn’t take long to find Bristol’s defence riddled with loopholes and Houlden slotted a goal past the ‘keeper inside two minutes. Alex Jenkins added another and Cahill claimed two more for a 4-0 lead at halftime. Nick Fox, outstanding all afternoon, gave Bristol’s right-back problems and he eventually conceded the penalty that Cahill smashed in.

Houlden completed the rout with a classy individual effort.

By Tim Lewis Rugby Correspondent Exeter 15 Bristol 5 Law 37 Exeter 5 Law 45 Bristol 12 IT WAS A GOOD day all round for the Law department of Cardiff University as the rugby side had convincing wins over Bristol and Exeter at Llanrumney playing fields.

The opening game of the tournament saw the two visiting teams clash in a tight physical game.

Exeter managed to come out on top, scoring two tries late in the second half to win 15-5.

Cardiff then played Exeter. The home team played some classic sevens rugby, keeping the ball out of contact and looking to exploit any gaps. Cardiff opened the scoring through Roger Hill, who finished off some superb quick passing to score in the corner. Two quick tries from the excellent James Brown and another for Hill put Cardiff in a great position, but a lapse in concentration allowed Exeter to score just before half-time and give the

away team some hope.

Cardiff made some changes at half time but continued to play some impressive rugby in the second period. Roger Hill capped a

Bristol provided little opposition for a confident Cardiff team fine individual performance with a 40 yard solo run to complete a hattrick of tries. More tries followed, the pace of the Cardiff attack was too much for a tired Exeter team.

Harry Forrester complemented a fine defensive display with a try and the game was secured by tries from Owain Wynn-Jones and Jason Bent.

Only the lack of a specialist kicker prevented the points gap being greater, Mike Williams scoring the

only conversion from seven Cardiff tries. Final score 37-5.

Bristol provided little opposition for a confident Cardiff team, well controlled by Captain Nathan Gulati. The pace and skill of James Brown was the highlight of the game, scoring four tries, including a sprint from inside his own half, and two conversions.

Rob Chopsam also converted one of Brown’s scores. Owain Wynn-Jones got his name on the score sheet before Bristol managed a converted try after some good running by the half backs.

Cardiff were well in control by this point, Will Gauntlett put the finishing touch on a slick Cardiff move and converted his own try.

Roger Hill got his fourth try of the day, converted by Andy Marsh and Bristol managed a consolation try at the very end as the game finished 45-12.

Roger Hill was singled-out by Law captain Nathan Gulati as his choice for player of the tournament, adding, “It was an excellent performance by the whole squad against good opposition, we played some great rugby.”

Spor t gair rhydd

YOUR COMPREHENSIVE ROUND-UP OF THE WEEK’S IMG ACTION

See P36

S

U PL

Fencing fiasco leaves Cardiff wondering what might have been

See P38 See page 37

BRICK WALL

PHOTO: NICK PARNELL

“Those with non-funky arses need not apply.”

Cardiff 1st XV 21 Bristol 1st XV 36 Unbeaten run comes to an end at the hands of rivals

By Alex Cinus Rugby Correspondent CARDIFF UNIVERSITY rugby firsts sank to a sorry 36-21 home defeat at the hands of Bristol University, who headed back over the Severn Bridge victorious.

Cardiff, playing at their home venue Llanrumney, could not have asked for a better start.

After just three minutes, prop Will Morris powered his way to the line. Ed Bradnock then converted, giving Cardiff a 7-0 lead.

However, their lead was short lived as two quick penalties soon saw the visitors back within a point.

Cardiff’s injury crisis was evident as several key players were missing for the match, in particular the influential outside-half Lawrence Price.

It got worse for Cardiff when scrumhalf Owen McCarthy sustained a dislocated shoulder, forcing him out of the game after 15 minutes.

Bristol took advantage of Cardiff’s weaknesses in the 20th minute, scoring a great try in the corner after sailing through the defence like the QE2 through a soft wave.

The away side then scored a second try seven minutes later when their pack ploughed through Cardiff to allow their giant flanker to score. Bristol were also clinical with the boot and not a single

kick was missed, leaving Cardiff trailing 20-7.

Cardiff looked dead and buried but their determination and graft was uncompromising and three penalties from the boot of Ed Bradnock brought the score back to 20-16.

Desperate to remain in the game, Cardiff now needed to make it to halftime without conceding any more points, but Bristol had too much power and skill to contain.

A try and a penalty for Bristol in the last two minutes of the half left Cardiff demoralised and the half-time score 2816.

The second half was a lower-scoring affair but one in which Cardiff ’s

defence did improve.

Few chances appeared for either team and only a penalty from Bristol changed the score during the opening minutes of the second half.

Midway through the second half, Cardiff saw a glimmer of hope when Nick Scholes scored a try after a nicely worked maul.

With Cardiff now trailing by just ten points, there was a real hope that they could get

something out of the game.

Bristol then duly crushed this hope with ten minutes left, when they scored in the corner to make the game safe.

The visitors were well worth their 36-21 win, and Cardiff could not complain about the result.

Speaking afterwards Cardiff’s injured outside-half Lawrence Price commented, “We had no cutting edge, which was not helped by the amount of players we have out.

That’s why there was no cohesion in our play.”

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