gair rhydd - Issue 775

rhydd

gair

free word - EST. 1972

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

HAIL UNTO THE BOSS Will Dean on a real American Idol, and the meaning behind Born in the USA

ISSUE 775. November 15 2004

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WWW.CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

LAUGH? I NEARLY CRIED Runner up in its category, Quench’s comedy special is guaranteed to raise a smile

SIX YEARS Cardiff student jailed for arson attack on pregnant ex-girlfriend.

By Jemma Gander Reporter A CARDIFF University student who set fire to his pregnant ex-girlfriend’s house while she was inside, has been jailed for six years by Cardiff Crown Court.

Architecture student Martin Grew, 19, poured petrol through the letterbox of 22year-old Rachel William’s home in Whitchurch last July before setting the house alight.

Miss Williams and her parents were in the house at the time of the arson attack and were lucky to escape with their lives.

Pauline Wi l l i a m s , 51, was severely burned in the attack and is still receiving treatment.

Her husband, Richard, 56, is suffering from breathing and throat issues caused by smoke inhalation.

Miss Williams, at the time seven months pregnant with Grew’s baby, managed to escape on to a roof and was unhurt.

The couple had been dating since autumn 2003, shortly after Grew began his undergraduate degree at Cardiff.

But when Grew returned home for Christmas, to Camberley, he started dating an ex-girlfriend from school.

In February 2004, Grew split with Miss Williams, who later found out that she was pregnant.

The pair decided that Miss Williams should have an abortion

but when she found she was at a later stage of pregnancy thn first thought she decided to keep the baby.

Rachel Williams told Court that Grew was scared at the thought of becoming a father.

Rachel Williams’s parents then told Grew’s parents about the pregancy.

Grew was then faced with an ultimatum - to tell his new girlfriend about the pregnancy, or let her parents deliver the news.

The court heard that Grew then drove from Surrey to Cardiff after deciding to set fire to Rachel William’s house with the intent to endanger the occupants lives.

The defence told the court how he was faced with a difficult situation without the maturity to deal with it.

G r e w now faces six years in prison for arson with intent to endanger the lives of three people and an unborn child.

GREW: convicted of arson

FREE INSIDE

Lest we forget

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

Editorial and Opinion P8

A war veteran pays his respects at the memorial service organised in Alexandria Gardens last Thursday.

News

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance November 15 2004 1 News 7 Taf-Od 8 Opinion 10 Politics 12 Health 14 Letters 17 Media 18 Jobs and Money 21 Competitions 22 Problem Page 24 Five Minute Fun 25 Televsion 34 Listings 36 Sport EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Ken Griffin, Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Amy Mackelden NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION TV Willy, TV John, TV Katie, TV Manners LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant FIVE MINUTE FUN Sarah Bayes TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, AJ Silvers PROOF READERS Ailsa Chalk, Carly Sharples CONTRIBUTORS

Jemma Gander, Sophie Robehmed, David Manon, Dan Ridler, Charlotte Styles, Ceri Haddon, Zoe Baldock, Lauren Shields, Birthe Bruhns, Will Carson, Tom Scobie, Bethany Whiteside, Victoria Caudy, Daniel Ashcroft, David Jarmain, Daniel Stanton, Andrew Rennison, Andrew Mickel, Kristin Farris, Marielle Smith, Laura Wootton, Christopher Allen, Dave Pruett, Phil Stark, Charlotte Harris, Simon Burkill, Wyn Davies, Tim Lewis, Adam Gasson, Fraser Watson, Sarah Bellingham, Nick Parnell, Ffion Atwell, Gareth Owen, Chris Heal, Martyn, Thomas, Alex Cinus

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

DOWN IN THE MUMPS

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter STUDENTS NATIONWIDE are being urged to get vaccinated against mumps as epidemics break out across Britain’s universties.

Students are particularly vulnerable as numerous 18 to 22-year-olds were not immunised effectively as children.

Many were too young to receive the triple vaccine against measles, mumps and rubella (MMR) and consequently, did not take the double dose of the individual vaccines properly.

The introduction of the MMR innoculation in 1988 caused cases of mumps to fall rapidly. Yet this means that the modern day 18 to 22-year-olds have not had the opportunity to build

up a natural immunity.

It is no surprise that 3,000 young people are estimated to come down with mumps by the end of the year, compared with only ten in 1996.

Given the close environment of the campus, some universities are warning that a major epidemic could be imminent and are even asking students who do come down with the condition to go into quarantine in their parents’ homes.

According to the Daily Telegraph, who have carried out research on this topic, Nottingham University have reported 60 cases of mumps this term, Birmingham University had seven new cases recently in a single weekend, while Leeds University is organising mass vaccinations for their students.

A spokeswoman for Leeds said: "In response to a rise in the number of mumps cases nationally and advice from the Leeds public health agency, the university medical practice organised vaccination sessions for all students at the start of term.

"There will be another vaccination session in February. Plans are in place should there be a major outbreak of the illness," she said.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Caridiff University said: “For universities in Wales, the decision [whether to have a mass immunisation program] will be taken by the National Public Health Service.

“Cardiff University has in the past and continues to work in partnership with the NPHS in proactive and reactive campaigns, as required for the

protection of its students and staff.”

Students need to be on the look out for symptoms of mumps, which include fever, loss of appetite and a painful swollen throat.

However, it appears that some institutions, such as Sheffield University, have been a step ahead the rest.

As early as spring last year, they introduced a mass innoculation programme to prevent an outbreak.

Meanwhile, it has been reported that students at Cambridge are among the latest to be affected by the mumps epidemic.

In the last few days, university officials there, announced that 38 students had been diagnosed with the disease since the beginning of the autumn term.

Student loans victim slates fees

By Dave Doyle News Editor

and bills.

But the Language and Communications student still has bills to pay and fears that A CARDIFF student who her current financial situais forced to live on just tion is damaging her abili£30 per week has ty to study. slammed top-up fees, "In your final saying that it is already year you’ve too difficult for some actually got students to finance serious their time in unithings to versity. think Third year about Charlotte Cloke, other 21, has still not than received her where loan from the the Student Loans money for Company and next week’s is living on an coming from," emergency loan she said. provided by the She also comuniversity. plained that she has University offibeen unable to buy cials told Charlotte important books for that students spend her course or even on average £30 a week excluding rent CLOKE: Broke - and angry photocopy texts.

Charlotte fears that the possible introduction of top-up fees will deter other students in her position

from progressing in higher education.

"Especially other people in my situation couldn’t come to university. I can’t see how anyone will be able to without help from their family," she said.

Charlotte has been unable to take advantage of hardship loans, money made available to students in financial difficulty, as students needs to have spent all of their loan before they can access it.

"How can I spend a loan I haven’t received?" she said.

Charlotte intends to remain defiant and will be protesting against the introduction of variable top-up fees in Wales. "I’ll be marching on December 2," she said.

World uni list loses Cardiff Wales’ degrees criticised

By David Manon Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY failed to appear in the World University Rankings, published by The Times Higher Education Supplement last week.

The league table lists the top 200 universities in the world, and included 30 other institutions based in the United Kingdom.

Cardiff was ranked as 21st in The Times Good University Guide 2004, which was a domestic league table released by the same publication.

12 UK institutions, which were listed below Cardiff in the domestic chart, featured in the world rankings. These include Sussex, Queen Mary (London), Glasgow, Leeds, Sheffield, Liverpool, Dundee, Lancaster,

Queen’s (Belfast), Leicester, Southampton and Aberdeen.

"The THES table is based on subjective and questionable criteria," said a spokesperson for Cardiff University.

"Of course, Cardiff would always like to see itself positioned high in such rankings.

“However the rankings which matter are based on rigorous government sponsored independent reviews of research and teaching, which firmly endorses the high quality of Cardiff’s provision," she said.

A spokesperson from the THES was unavailable for comment.

Seven of the top ten world universities in the new publication were based in the United States, with Harvard topping the chart. Oxford was the highest placed UK entry at 5th position, closely followed by Cambridge in 6th place.

By Dan Ridler Reporter THE STANDARDS of degrees at the University of Wales has come under scrutiny this week after a draft report from the Quality Assurance Agency (QAA) was leaked to the BBC’s Manifesto programme.

The document stated that the Agency has "limited confidence in the way the university handles its awards."

Despite criticism over the university’s standards of degree evaluation and the limited involvement of students in the decision making process, the report still expressed "broad confidence" in the university’s management.

The programme, aired on Sunday, emphasized that that "there is no evi-

dence to suggest that any of the awards achieved by University of Wales students are in question."

The University of Wales response to the BBC stated that it "would be improper to comment on a leaked early draft which will, almost certainly, change before it is published."

DAFFYD WIGLEY: University of Wales Vice-Chancellor

News

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

A sight for sore eyes THE INCOMPLETE optometry building on Maindy Road will remain an empty structure for the foreseeable future, after an appeal against a rejected planning application was dismissed during the summer.

Cardiff Council halted construction on the £16 million development in February after Cardiff University began putting up the steel frame before a planning application had been approved.

The development, which was set to provide Cardiff University’s Optometry and Vision Sciences Department with leading-edge technology, has been in limbo since planning permission was applied for in 2003.

In April the Council rejected the university’s full planning application, as the steel work assembled did not represent the planning outline submitted.

Many local residents had also objected to the height of the construction.

The university launched an appeal against the decision, which was dismissed in August.

University officials are now in the process of submitting a new design application.

A University spokesperson said: “The university will make a revised planning application, which it is hoped can be agreed, to allow work to recommence to develop the space and resources.

“University officials and the project architect have had very constructive discussions with the Council planning officers to put the scheme back on track.”

The university hopes that the new design will address the concerns of local resident surrounding the size of the structure.

Local residents have been invited

Photo: Ceri Haddon

By Charlotte Styles Reporter

OPTOM EYESORE: Building set to gather rust while University re-submit plans

New optometry building’s future still uncertain ten months on to meet with both the university and the planning consultants to discuss how local concerns can be effectively dealt with.

A representative for the development’s builders, Turner and

Sons, said: “We are waiting for instructions with ambivalence, hopefully the new application will comply with the wishes of the planning inspectors and work can recommence.”

PREMIERE FLOP

CAR PARK CHAOS

By Dan Ridler Reporter STAFF AND students at Heath hospital are livid at a car-parking fiasco that they believe is threatening the quality of their work.

According to students, the situation at the campus is so bad that many lectures are now starting late because lecturers cannot park.

They also claim that the company controlling the parking spaces, Vinci, are withholding parking permits causing problems for students, lecturers and patients at the hospital site.

The Chair of Academic Representatives at the Heath Campus, Lorraine Donovan, has revealed that

parking at the hospital is “chaos”.

Donovan told gair rhydd last week that the situation was affecting “everybody, staff and students alike.”

Donovan also revealed that the firm are shutting the car park and hiring it out as a park and ride facility during international and major fixtures held in Cardiff.

It is believed that the situation has

worsened recently after Cardiff Council repossessed a section of public parking.

Frustrated students at the campus have begun taking matters into their own hands, sending block photocopied complaints letters to Vinci.

Each letter requires a response according to the company’s policy, and the protesters were intending to continue their protest until more permits are issued.

Cardiff University this week assured gair rhydd that the issue of car parking would be raised with Vinci next month. Vinci were unavailable for comment at the time of going to press.

BARREN: The red carpet for the Welsh premier of Bridget Jones’s Diary: The Edge of Reason was woefully lacking star presence last Tuesday. Even Charlotte Church INSET, who normally attends such events, was nowhere to be seen

Investigation

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A DRINKING CULTURE Cardiff has had plenty of bad press beacuse of its drink culture. gair rhydd investigates drink spiking, and Cardiff’s night-time culture.

Drugged, humiliated and sacked

By Jess Boydell Health Editor THE MOST likely place to be drugged and raped in Britain is Cardiff, according to the first national survey into the crime.

One in four young women had their drinks spiked last year, with as many as 30 women a week becoming potential rape victims.

The Guardian, alongside Channel Four’s Dispatches programme, revealed evidence that this relatively new crime has escalated. However, while strong evidence was found of actual drinks spiking, the number of ‘date’ rapes remains unknown.

With the drugs affecting victims mentally and physically, many cases are very hard to prove. Usually women have no memory of what has happened to them, often waking next to an unknown man or finding themselves in a strange place. There is rarely any physical evidence such as bruises, due to the disabling effects of the drugs, which prevent victims from fighting back.

What makes this crime all the more disturbing is that forensic evidence of the drug can disappear from the body within twelve hours of an assault: too short a time for victims to have recovered enough to report a rape.

With the most vulnerable age group being under 25s, the reality is that students need to be vigilant with their drinks, even in the places where they feel most safe.

Lucy, a student at Cardiff University, became a victim of drinks spiking while at work in the first year of her

degree. The most alarming part of her experience is the fact that she believes she knows the person who did it.

“I thought I was going to faint. All I remember then is sitting down on the floor [of the toilets] and then, nothing. ” As a promotional assistant for Come Play, Lucy said that she was

allowed to drink while working, but on the night of the incident she was “only drinking socially and not to get drunk.”

She remembers, before 10:30pm that night, having her drinks bought for her by male friends who were “goading us on to drink more.” She thinks that this could have been the time when her drink was spiked, most probably, she now believes, by one of the male friends.

After 10.30pm Lucy said she remembers only that "I thought I was going to faint. All I remember then is sitting down on the floor [of the toilets] and then, nothing."

She was woken up by a cleaner at 3.15am after having collapsed in a cubicle and locked herself in. She woke up feeling so “shaky I could barely walk” and suspicious because she did not feel hung-over.

She was helped home by other Come Play girls who were still at the union. She said she woke the next day feeling emotional and very upset,

mainly because of “what could have happened” to her.

As a result of her behaviour that night Lucy was sacked from her position. A fellow student, who ran the night, believed that she had been unacceptably drunk while at work and therefore dismissed her from the job.

Lucy added that this was the most frustrating part of her ordeal because “nobody believed me” though she was so sure that she had not been drunk, but was simply “laughed at” instead of taken seriously. The reaction of her boss left her feeling humiliated.

This was made worse by rumours that started between the other staff, and she was consequently subject to

“Nobody believed me... I was laughed at” ridicule as “the one who was sacked for being drunk on the job.”

Hannah Essex, NUS Vice-President for Education, said that ‘date’ rape cases in universities have increased over the last couple of years, with spiking “happening more and more on campus.”

Lucy, says that what she found most disturbing about her experience was the “possibility of other students spiking your drink.”

In light of this increased risk Cardiff University’s Students’ Union have become one of the first venues in the city to take active measures against spiking. At the beginning of the academic year, the Spika Stoppa, a small device which is put into the neck of drinks bottles, was launched.

While this is one way of preventing student’s drinks being spiked, Bar Manager Keith Owen stressed that “students [should]… continue being vigilant when they are out.”

The drugs used to spike victim’s drinks can range from sleeping pills to vallium. There are 67 different substances currently used in this crime, with the most popular being Rohypnol, GHB and Ketamine Hydrochloride. All three are colourless, odourless and tasteless drugs.

While Rohypnol is produced as a prescription sedative often used to treat sleeping disorders, GHB (or liquid ecstacy) is made illegally in drug labs or by amateur chemists to be used as an anaesthetic of the central nervous system. Ketamine though is not intended for humans at all, but animals. It is used as a veterinary sedative but when used on humans, the drug acts as an anaesthestic.

At the moment the government are yet to introduce any initiatives to combat drug rape or drink spiking, despite independent statistics and attempts to prevent incidents.

However, following the impact of The Guardian and Dispatches report, the British police have begun their first major and systematic research project into the prevalence of drugs. *The name has been changed in the article to protect the victim’s anonymity.

Cardiff: “Capital city of booze” The trouble with Cardiff Cardiff has been dubbed the "capital city of booze" (Iestyn Davies, Welsh Council of Alcohol and Other Drugs), and received considerable media attention during the last year for its night-life. Cardiff city’s image has been beaten down by the media in particular, with several high profile reports focusing on alcohol related violence within the city. While most students feel that Cardiff is a safe city, these portrayals have rendered Cardiff’s reputation as one of threat and danger to its revellers.

As a large and diverse city, catering for many different types of nightlife, such crimes are to be expected. Coming

hand in hand with drinking culture, violence can be found on various scales in all cities. But when compared to other centres such as Bristol, Edinburgh and CARDIFF: the notorious St Mary’s street Birmingham, Cardiff statistically spends more money on alcohol than any other city in the UK. Whether this has led to a rise in violence remains to be seen, but the fact is that the drinking habits of Cardiff dwellers has had an impact on the city’s image.

The stadium

A major contributor to Cardiff’s drinking culture in recent years has been the Millennium Stadium, which has brought thousands of sporting fans to the Welsh capital and with it the many sporting rivalries. Peter Clarke, author of a report into Cardiff’s licensed properties, has said that: "Cardiff’s city centre license market exploded into life around the focus of the new Millennium Stadium in 1999". Indeed, pubs and bars have seen a distinct rise in sales.

When big games, such as the FA Cup this year, come to the city so do extra tight safety measures. Around 1,000 officers were working in and around the stadium. Many were brought in from other parts of South Wales. In this case the police only made 15 arrests and were happy with the small number.

Football crowds - according to home

By Jess Boydell, Paul Dicken, Zoe Baldock and Lauren Shields

office figures - say Cardiff City topped Division Two for number of arrests and banning orders. Only Manchester United and Sunderland had more arrests. However, Gwyn Davies, spokesman of the valleys Ram Supporters said that "people assume we are going to be violent- which is a reputation we are trying to erradicate – but it can lead to trouble."

Investigation

November 15 2004

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Voice of the people Iain Spillane, Sales Assistant, Cardiff Safety in cardiff - has never bothered me - Slough is far worse.

I’ve never felt unsafe in Cardiff

“

Laura Sharples, student the scary thing is it’s not just girls who get spiked.

My flatmate’s brother was spiked, though not in Cardiff.

“

Richard Union, student Cardiff is safe in places...

I go out on Monday nights, it’s worse Friday and Saturdays I feel safe on match days because there are loads of police My friend got spiked… we had to carry her home

“

Look after your own

Take me home

Cardiff City Council have recently decided to permanently run a Night Bus service, after a very successful pilot scheme.

This will "reduce bottlenecks at taxi ranks" as pointed out by the Community Safety Partnership, consequently reducing the number of people hanging around in one area and the likelihood of trouble on St Mary’s Street and other areas. This will also ensure that people get home safely. The presence of security guards on these buses will ensure that petty drunken arguments do not escalate on the way home either.

James, student Everyone thinks Cardiff is safe but I don’t think that – in other cities Police do a better job...reason unsafe is because of the louts...Bouncers don’t know what they are doing and are thugish.

“

“

Clubs and venues are also being encouraged to take responsibility for reducing trouble. This has led club managers, such as Neil Lucas of Creation nightclub, to implement measures to promote the safety of their clubbers. Extra security staff, especially on more problematic nights, have been introduced as an effective deterrent of violence on the nightclub scene. Weekend nights, as well as match days, require greater police presence on the streets, and this should be reflected in the amount of security staff working in venues.

“

The police are attempting to prevent problems escalating in the city. The city’s police force provide at least 25 officers on foot in the centre, with CCTV covering every inch of the city centre, watching on monitors by officers in the police camera room.

The Government has recognised that Cardiff may have a problem with both its image and its safety and, as such have targeted the city with drives, attempting to tackle problems of alcohol-related violence.

Home Office Minister, Hazel Blears, said that: “if [bars]… promote violent and anti-social behaviour, you are not going to get away with it and we will use a raft of powers to shut down your premises.” As such there has been the recent introduction of regulations on drinks prices, with the scaling down of drinks promotions.

While Yates’ stopped their ‘All You Can Drink’ offer, they appear to be in a minority for tackling these problems, Cardiff’s Students’ Union is one of the few establishments to have altered their drinks prices to conform to guidelines.

“

A further problem, recognised by reports, is the abundance of pubs and clubs in the city.

Peter Clarke also commented that: "Cardiff appears well stocked with super-pubs, and may appear over-pubbed", encouraging increasing numbers of people to visit the city from further a field. Indeed, Cardiff has become a popular spot for people from outside of the city, attracting people from widespread locations.

In particular the city has seen a boom in stag and hen weekends, with Cardiff being a prime spot for professional organisers of events. A variety of websites advertise Cardiff as one of the UK’s ideal locations for a stag or hen party outing. The influx of large groups of playboy bunnies and sexysergeants is hard not to notice, with the traditional drinking a big part of the action.

A club event promoter in Cardiff commented that drunken violence often depends on the type of crowd in a venue, the event and the day of the week. He said that: “Saturday nights are far more eventful and troublesome than the nights specifically aimed at students earlier on in the week.”

Measures are being taken

“

Crowd trouble

World News

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

WHO WILL FOLLOW?

By Birthe Bruhns Reporter

YASSER ARAFAT died on Thursday morning. A national symbol of Palestine he has no obvious successor, and political manouverings have already begun in the power vacuum his death may well bring.

Arafat’s astonishing career started as a terrorist and led to the award of the Nobel peace prize in 1993. Born in 1929, he smuggled weapons to Palestine as a teenager, formed Fatah, the movement to free Palestine in 1959 and fought an armed struggle against the Israeli occupation.

Ten years later he was elected leader of the Palestine Liberation Organisation, or ‘PLO’ and called on Israel to form a democratic, ArabIsraeli state. In 1993 he got the Nobel Peace prize along with Yitzhak Rabin and Shimon Peres for signing an agreement on a Palestine part-autonomy in Gaza and Jericho in West Jordan.

Even Arafat proved unable to control the terrorist groups in the second Intifada. After a series of suicide attacks, his headquarter was beleaguered by Israel forces but Arafat claimed that he was prepared to die as a martyr. In the autumn of 2004 the Palestinian leader fell into a coma.

The death of the dangerously ill Palestinian President may lead to a power vacuum. Rémy Leveau, a researcher on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict at the French Institute for International Relations, said.: “Arafat

hasn't trained anyone to succeed him...

The people around him are just accessories.”

During Arafat’s illness, his responsibilities were assumed by Ahmed Qurei, the Palestinian prime minister and his predecessor Mahmud Abbas alias Abbu Mazen.

They are perceived as possible successors of the Palestine leader, with Abbas named as the head of the Palestinian Liberation Organisation on Thursday, with presidential elections in 60 days. Yet both are not very popular as they are said to be the peak of corruption and have stong ties with America.

Even if Qurei and Abbas are able to preserve their position during the transition period, they might be challenged by different rival parties such as Marwan Barghouti, Fatah’s West Bank military commander, who is in Israeli prison, or Muhammad Dahlan, “Arafat’s grandson,” who has not only good connections to Israel, a reason why he is even favoured by the Western powers, but is also in charge of private security forces.

Groups like Hamas or Islamic Jihad, half political factions - half militant Islamist terror-organisations, which also have a tense relationship with the Palestinian Authority dominating PLO, could cause problems.

Qurei has initiated a security agreement between the more than a dozen security forces and 13 political factions to prevent a civil war.

Ismail Haniya, a Hamas leader in

YASSER ARAFAT: What will his death mean for the Middle-East?

Gaza, said: “We will not allow any chaos or disunity to occur, and the best way to realise this goal is by formulating a united national leadership that

Nuclear propaganda

By Will Carson Reporter THE WORLD may soon face nuclear crisis from both Iran and North Korea, if George Bush is to be believed.

There is widespread speculation that both countries are pursuing their own nuclear programmes, despite demands from the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) for them to halt any nuclear production.

Iran announced last year that it intends to activate a uranium conversion facility near Isfahan (under IAEA safeguards), a step that produces the uranium hexafluoride gas used in the uranium enrichment process for weapons.

Iran claims that it is not producing nuclear arsenal but a number of countries such as the US and Britain are

insisting that Iran cease enrichment altogether on the grounds that the country cannot be trusted.

These developments have also led to strained relationships between Iran and neighbouring Israel. Although Iran say they will not produce nuclear weapons, if Israel believe they are, they would not hesitate in attacking Iran’s nuclear facilities.

Israeli fears have been fuelled by a call in 2002 from HashemiRafsanjani, Iran’s former president, for the Iranian government to use nuclear weapons against Israel.

A nuclear-armed Iran, calling for the elimination of the Jewish state, would not be tolerated by the nucleararmed Israel. Two months ago it was revealed that the US supplied Israel with 500 ‘bunker busting’ bombs, to be used in such an attack.

The worry is equally great on the

PROPAGANDA: N.Korea’s message other side of the continent. North Korea has withdrawn from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, sparking fears that it may produce nuclear weapons.

British Foreign Office Minister Bill Rammell has already claimed, following a recent visit, that the country has possibly produced two nuclear devices already.

President Bush, now in his second term, will be forced to decide whether to accept a nuclear North Korea and

would lead the Palestinian people to the safety shore and prepare for elections in which all Palestinians would participate.” impose sanctions, or try to destroy its nuclear plants. It is feared that the developments in North Korea could lead to Japanese and South Korean to develop their own nuclear armoury.

One question surrounding Iran is whether or not they are determined to go nuclear. There is one good reason why it should, exemplified by none other than North Korea. At one point, both Iran and North Korea were on George W. Bush’s list for regime change (and also on his "axis of evil" list). Then North Korea crossed the nuclear threshold by testing a nuclear weapon, and suddenly there was no more talk of regime change.

The best way for the Iranian regime to protect itself from outside interference could be to have its own bomb.

However, campaigning journalist John Pilger argues that the worries over Iran and North Korea are examples of "the same orchestrated frenzy that led to the invasion of Iraq.”

World News Round-up

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter MEDIA INTEREST into the growing conflict in Ivory Coast is increasing after thousands of terrified expatriates fled the area under the cover of French support as pro-government militia killed 27 people.

Between 4,000 and 8,000 European residents are expected to leave their homes. The French have employed their troops in the country and begun the airlifts after calls to attack the French were made in television broadcasts.

The anti-French uprising was sparked after Ivory Coast warplanes killed nine French peacekeepers and a US aid worker in the rebel held north.

In retaliation France destroyed the nation’s air force. President Laurent Gbagbo has criticised this action stating: "The French reaction was too rapid, too disproportionate."

Britain have put 120 troops on standby and a Downing Street spokesman has stated: "We are making our usual contingency plans in case it deteriorates further and we need to evacuate British nationals."

Spain, Italy and Belgium are also employing plans to evacuate their nationals from the region.

Bloodshed continues in the Darfur region of Sudan as UN proposals are under discussion by the British Security Council. Britain may be asked to send 10,000 troops as part of a UN peacekeeping force to the conflict where 70,000 people have been killed since March.

Sir Emyr Jones Parry, Britain’s ambassador to the UN has stated: "We are saying that if you [the Sudanese government] get your act together to get a stable state and live together, then this is what we can contribute: a major peacekeeping operation by the UN, humanitarian relief, law and order, help with infrastructure and establishing the rule of law and democratic structures."

Controversy surrounds George W Bush’s appointment of Alberto Gonzales as America’s new Attorney General amid criticism by US human rights groups.

Jamie Fellner, head of the US programme at Human Rights Watch said: "It is distressing that his first nominee post-election not only doesn’t have a record of defending human rights but has a record of actively opposing their recognition."

Falluja on the edge as troops fight for peace

By Tom Scobie Reporter THE LONG-AWAITED military offensive by the Americans to reclaim the rebel held city of Falluja started last week after it was ordered by the interim Iraqi leader Iyad Allawi.

Delayed until after the US elections and hurried before the Iraqi elections, the assault of this rebel stronghold is meant to signify a turning point for the

Americans in Iraq.

The hope is that the capture of Falluja will be a heavy blow on the rebel groups, which will help pave the way for the Iraqi elections in January.

Over 15,000 U.S. and newly trained Iraqi troops have started to penetrate the city in one of the biggest urban battles in recent decades.

They are fighting an estimated 3,000 insurgents who have booby trapped buildings and dug themselves in for a prolonged battle.

Since the fighting began, relatives of Allawi have been kidnapped and are now being used as a bargaining tool to end the American assault.

The city which usually has 250,000 inhabitants has seen its population fall to 30,000 as its citizens flee to surrounding towns and cities amid the carnage.

So far the Americans have taken 70% of the city with hundreds of rebel deaths and half a dozen American deaths, but many more are expected.

The Red Cross also fears for those remaining in Falluja and has urged combatants on both sides to avoid becoming involved in any street fighting.

The initial taking of the city has appeared relatively easy, but the test will be in keeping the peace. The Americans are determined to make an impression with this latest operation as the commitment of so much military resources shows, however the exact impact of this battle is uncertain.

US troops take cover in Falluja

Taf-Od Ailddarganfod Arwyr Hanesyddol Cymru

Tud 7

15 Tachwedd 2004

grwelsh@cf.ac.uk

Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od MAE’R WYTHNOS dwethaf wedi bod yn llawn o atgofion o’n hanes cyfoethog wrth i streuon dau o arwyr Cymru dod i’r blaen wedi darganfyddiadau yn y gorllewin. Gyda bedd Owain Glyndwr yn cael ei ddarganfod in Sir Gaerfydding a llong Ffrenig yn cael ei darganfod ger Sir Benfro.

Darganfyddwyd y llong, sydd dros 200 mlwydd oed, ger Strumble head mewn ryw 30m o ddwr gan Richard a Rebecca Hughes o Merlins Bridge ger Hwlffordd. Mae Strumble Head yn hanesyddol wedi bod yn darn peryglus o’r arfordir gyda sawl llong masnach wedi’i llongddryllio yno dros y blynyddoedd. Mae’r un rhedlifoedd yno heddiw a gyda tywydd Sir Benfro mi oedd yn rhaid i Mr and MRs Hughes, aelodion o glwb sub-aqua Abergwaun, cesio sawl gwaith cyn cyrraedd y drylliad.

Mae’r rhai ohonom sydd yn tarddu o Sir Benfro mae’n siwr yn cofio chwedl Jemeima Nicholas o dyddiau ysgol, ond i’r rhoi ohonoch sydd ddim wedi clywed yr hanes; ym 1797 mi wnaeth Ffrainc cesio goresgyn Prydain. Hwn yw’r tro olaf i fyddin dramor ceisio glanio ar ynysoedd

Prydain. Roedd Napoleon yn brysur yn ymladd yn Canolbarth Ewrop fe dechreuwyd llywodreath chwyldroiadwy ym Maris. Fe danfonodd yn llywodraeth newydd 1400 o filwyr o dan ofal Colonel William Tate Americanwr Gwyddelig i oresgyn Prydain. Yn hytrach na glanio ym Mryste, fel oedd y cynllun, fe gorfododd y gwynt i Colonel Tate a’i llynges bwrw tua Bae Ceredigion.

Yn gyntaf, fe wnaeth y llynges ceisio glanio yn Bae Abergwaun ond fe’u gyrrwyd i ffwrdd gan y magnelau oedd yn y amddiffynfa gerllaw. Roedd y Ffrancwyr, fodd bynnag, ddim yn gwybod taw rhoi rhybydd i dregolion Abergwaun oedd y magnelau ac felly fe symudodd y llynges yn bellach i fynu’r arfordir i traeth ger Llanwnda.

Fe glanniwyd milwyr, pwdwr ac arfau ar y traeth ac erbyn 2 y bore ar y 23ain o Chwefror fe oedd y goresgyniad wedi’i gwblhau. Danfonwyd y llongau yn ôl i Ffrainc gyda’r newyddion bod y fyddin wedi glanio yn llwyddiannus.

Mae’n anodd dweud ble mae’r chwedl yn dechrau a’r hanes yn dechrau on mae streuon yn dweud i "Jemeima Fawr" casglu gwragedd a merched y fro at eu gilydd a cymrud bwyelli, picfforchion ac offer fferm fel

arfau a mynd i ymladd y Ffrancwyr tra bod y fyddin yn cael ei gasglu o Hwlffordd. Mae streuon eraill, ar y llaw arall yn dweud taw mynd i weld y brwydr oedd Jemeima a’r gwragedd.

Beth mae’r streuon yng gytun am yw bod y gwragedd wedi gwisgo mewn gwisg traddodiadol o ffroc coch a het tal du. Mi oedd y Ffrancwyr, yn llawn gwin yn gweld filoedd o wragedd oedd o bellter yn edrych fel y fyddin yn eu gwisg coch. Fe wnaeth hyn rhoi cymaint o ofn ar y Ffrancwyr nes iddynt beidio ymosod.

Gyda’r Ffrancwyr yn aros yn eu hunfan roedd gan yr Alglwydd Cawdor digon o amser i casglu’r fyddin at ei gilydd ac tethio i Llanwrda lle curwyd y Ffrancwyr.

Mae rhai hanesion i Jemeima cerdded i mewn i Abergwaung gyd berfa’n llawn o 12 milwr Ffraneg ac yna gadael i gasglu mwy.

Mae’n anodd erbyn hyn i ni gwybod yn gywir faint sy’n Hanes an faint sy’n chwedl ond mae’n braf cael meddwl bod merched Cymru yn well na dynion Ffrainc, a hyn yw’r ffordd ymlaen ym mhencampwriaeth y chwe gwlad?

Nid Jemeima yw’r unig arwr i ddod i’r blaen yn yr wythnos ddwethaf. 600

Cofiwch y Cyfeiriad Ebost: GRwelsh@cf.ac.uk Neu’r Rhif negeseuon 07734297223 Dysgu Cymraeg Gyda Taf-Od Learn Welsh with Taf-Od

Brawddeg yr Wythnos:

“Pa amser yw hi?”

Sentance of The Week:

“What time is it?”

mlynnedd yn ôl coronwyd Owain Glyndwr yn Tywysog Cymru ym Machynlleth ar Medi 16eg 1404. Fe gododd Owain Glyndwr i’r brig ym 1400 with iddo cymrud cestyll y Saeson oedd dan awdurdod y brenin newydd, Henri IV. Roedd llawer yn erbyn Henri llawer ohonynt yn Saeson oedd yn dilyn Richard II oedd y brenin cyn Henri IV. Ym 1403 fe cipwyd castell Caerfyddin a chastell Caerdydd ac ym 1404 cipwyd castell Harlech a chastell Aberystwyth. Roedd Owain Glyndwr yn defnyddio Casineb y Cymry tuag at y Saeson i ennill dynion at ei achos.

Wrth i Henri guro ei elynion yn Lloegr felly daeth Cymru i mewn i golwg. Gyda arfau gwell a mwy o ddynion fe dechreuodd Henri ennill nol tir Cymru. Erbyn 1409 roedd y frwydr wedi’i golli ac fe droiodd Owain Glyndwr i "guerrilla warfare" ac ym 1416 bu fawr Owain Glyndwr yn ddinod.

Am y 600 mlynnedd ddwethaf mae llawer wedi trafod lle mae bedd Owain Glyndwr. Mae llyfr newydd yn ceisio dod a diwedd i’r trafodaeth trwy dewud taw ym mhentref Llanwrda yn Sir Gaerfyrddin mae bedd Owain Glyndwr.

Yn ôl yw awdur, Alex Gibbon, yn ei lyfr "The Mystery of Jack of Kent and the Fate of Owain Glyndwr" mae bedd Owain Glyndwr o dan Eglwys Llanwrda. Dywedodd y Parchedig Adrian Legg, ficar yr egwlys bod beddgell o dan yr eglwys ac ei bod e’n credur awdur.

Mae’r llyfr yn honi bod cymeriad traddiodiadol"Jack of Kent", sef cymeriad debyd i "Robin Hood" o ardal Henffordd a Owain Glyndwr wedi’i cystulltu cymaint taw yr un dyn yw. Wedi i Owain Glyndwr fawr yn Henffordd clydwyd ei gorff i Llanwrda i’r eglwys sydd yn sefyll lle bu man addoli ers y bumed ganrif ac eglwys canoloesol ers y deuddegfed ganrif.

Mae Cymdeithas Owain Glyndwr ar y llaw arall yn honi taw yn Mornington Straddle yn Sir Henffordd mae’r bedd. Maent yn dweud eu bod nhw wedi siarad a John Skidmore disgynnydd o Owain Glyndwr a bod y man wedi bod yn gyfrinach yn y teulu am y 600 mlynnedd gyda mam Mr Skidmore ddim yn fodlon ddatgelu’r cyfrinach.

Nid yw Taf-Od am ymuno a’r ddadl am man lle roddwyd Owain Glyndwr i orffwys ond mae’n bwysig i gofio ein hanes ac ein "gwrol ryfelwyr, gwlad garwyr tra mad". Boed i ni gyd gallu canu’r anthem gyda angerdd cyn y gêm yn erbyn Seland Newydd. Mae Taf-Od yn wir obeithio bod ni i gyd fel Cymry dan yr obaith bod yr hyn mae ein harwyr hanesyddol wedi ymaldd dros dal yn wir i ni fel Cymry ifanc 2004 ac yn wir "Bydded i’r heniaith barhau".

Editorial & Opinion

Page 8

November 15 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd

James Emtage’s Student Stereotypes Stevo: The Macho Virgin

Medics: Fair game

tevo’s on a night out with the lads. Lager, Lashtastic, Laid.

Well that’s what he’s aiming for anyway.

Whilst downing shots in the pub beforehand, he discusses with his mates which girls he’d currently like ‘to do.’

Every girl in Gassy Jacks has been given a rating, two have been lucky enough to be given the wink, and one fortunate lass has found herself subject to his pelvic thrusts when passing her on his way to the gents.

While pissing, his fourth one in two hours, he talks loudly to his mate next

FREE WORDS

O

ne of the main promises that arose from the merger between Cardiff University and UWCM was that no medic team would be unreasonably disadvantaged.

In many ways this was one of the biggest challenges facing the AU this year and, to the most extent, they seem to have been managing.

But there is no reasonable explanation for why a rugby team that is pushing for promotion to the BUSA Premiership should have to organise their own training on a tennis court.

Not only that, but they were promised equality with the Cardiff University side.

Yet they have not received an hour’s coaching. It was agreed that the dedicated coaching offered to the first team would be made available to the side, yet it appears that certain individuals have broken promises made to the Medics.

The Medics rugby team has a long and proud heritage, so the perceived lack of interest in them must come as somewhat of a snub.

There were always going to be teething problems in the first year and both sides knew there was the potential for unexpected problems, which could then be sorted out with minimum fuss.

But this episode seems to go beyond what could be considered reasonable.

The AU have clearly done their best to help, although this is a situation that could have easily been avoided.

The Medics are not asking for a lot – merely a facility to train on and an occasional bit of coaching. Indeed, given their strength of results this season, they could have quite reasonably asked for more.

It is not a difficult situation to resolve, but until it is, many will still hold the view that the two unions have merged in name but not in spirit.

Quench triumph

E

verybody who worked on Quench last year should be feeling very proud right now.

To be named runner-up at the Guardian Student Media Awards in the Best Magazine category after only a year is an amazing achievement.

When it was first launched in August 2003 nobody expected that it would get so large and successful so quickly.

Although it is true that few people remember who came second this is a just reward for all the hard work that went into creating Quench and sustaining it to such a high level throughout the year.

Tristan Thomas, Alex Macpherson and everybody who put time and effort to edit a section or contribute in deserve praise indeed.

S

to him about how he thinks Tom’s new bird is a right minger, and what the fuck is Johnny doing with that Steph slag. ‘I wouldn’t go anywhere near her, biggest bike out… I’d do Natalie though… wha’ a pair.’

In truth, Stevo would love to ‘do’ any of them, for Stevo is still a virgin. The closest he’s ever got to sex is his five fingered friend whom he visits most nights. The girls in his past, which he boasts about at length, are merely snogs at old school discos, and the real version of his ‘best shag to date’ is that he got to the underpants stage with a

girl called Caroline before she deceivingly told him that she was on and therefore couldn’t go any further.

The closest he’s ever got to sex is his five-fingered friend

Anything to get rid of him, she thought.

His macho act is well hidden back at home; in fact he’s almost a bit of a mummy’s boy. And he’d die if his mates found out that he visits his gran once a month.

But for now, he’ll keep the stock of rubbers up to date, and make sure his bollocks are clean every time he goes to Solus, ‘gotta make it taste nice for ‘em’.

When it finally does happen, at a guess, it will involve minimal foreplay, a split condom, and a premature ejaculation after only 1 minute 10. Good luck Stevo.

Bruce Springsteen-age angst

By Will Dean

T

here’s been a lot written recently about how rock stars and actors should keep their diamond-encrusted noses out of politics.

One of the main objects of this vitriol was New Jersey’s finest, Bruce Springsteen. Let’s get some things straight. Bruce has been endorsing Democrat candidates his whole career without actually having said so, his music does that for him. Furthermore, if there is one individual American, nay, human that is exempt from criticism it is Mr Springsteen.

Actually, no, it’s not. Bruce is the most misunderstood artist of the last century. Non-fans still probably regard

the stadium-conquering bombast of songs such as Born In The USA as jingoistic, tub-thumping and crass nationalism. But further inspection reveals the song to be about the torrid treatment of returning Vietnam soldiers, a

Springsteen is the American everyman musical version of Oliver Stone’s Born On The Fourth Of July. Once rendered in its original acoustic form, as on 1999’s Live in New York City, the song, like so many others, becomes a lament

for America’s broken heart.

The NME recently called Bruce’s music "grunty old rock to build car parks to." Bastards. Far too often Bruce is bracketed with other tawdry MOR figures such as Jon Bon Jovi, Sting and Phil Collins. Wrong, wrong and wrong.

They even compared Bruce unfavourably with the rusty pop of Razorlight. Dear me.

Bruce Springsteen is American everyman. A laymanic chronicler of modern American history. Up there with Dylan and Elvis, yet even better by combining the lyrics and ethos of Dylan with the innate showmanship of Presley.

Bruce has always been overtly political. It was he that was the first to directly address the World Trade Centre

attacks with the acclaimed Rising album. His version of My City of Ruins brought tears to the eyes of millions of Americans on America: A Tribute To Heroes. American Skin (41 Shots) details the case of an unarmed WestAfrican immigrant, Amadou Diallo, who was shot 41 times by plainclothes police. Admittedly Vote for Change didn’t have quite its intended effect.

But at least it stopped the thousands of jingoistic, tub-thumping and nationalistic Bruce ‘fans’ that pledged not to buy his records again from being, well, fans.

Rather than being music my Dad would listen to, I actually wish Bruce was my Dad. Hail to ‘The Boss’. Long may he reign.

Victoria Caudy’s

ROOM 101

I

t’s cold out. I don’t venture out without jacket, scarf and gloves. So how on earth to the fembots manage?

You know fembots – we’ve all seen them. You see them all the time in the day: belt, tank-top and big boots… to keep their feet warm.

They’re bad enough during the day, but at night their outfits manage to get skimpier: they only manage to evade pneumonia by plastering on several extra layers of make-up.

Think of a prostitute panda and you’re most of the way there.

I think I’ve cracked it. They aren’t real people. No-one normal puts on make-up to go to a lecture. No-one in their right mind goes out dressed for

a Mediterranean beach party on an autumn night in Cardiff. And there is no way on earth that anyone can afford that amount of eyeliner on a student loan.

So the only possible solution to the existence of fembots is that they are actually the result of a collaboration between FHM and Cosmopolitan. FHM use them to convince men that women like this do exist – keep on buying the magazine for more details thereof – and Cosmopolitan use them to make women think that they have to buy into this Barbie lifestyle to get a man.

Of course, if you’re a woman and you’re going to try to pull at Fun

Factory or Rubber Duck, then yes, dress like a total slapper. But don’t try to convince yourself that there’s any way in hell that any amorous relationship that results from such a liason will last longer than the condom.

Dress like you’re out for sex and you have no reason to expect any more than just that. After all – since when did a mini-skirt give the subtle message “I want a long-term relationship, a joint bank account, his ‘n’ hers slippers and possibly children… what do you think of Elizabeth and John for names?”

Rather it, just as the thigh-high boot, implies that wearer is up for a bit of naughty. Their idea of commitment

is a phone number that hasn’t been blatantly invented on the spot.

So, rebel against these female impostors. Be more than an insipid bint who can afford to be brainwashed by silly women’s magazines.

If you want to meet a man for more than a quick shag, don’t dress like a whore and go to a big party night. Dress comfortably, be comfortable in yourself and talk to people. Don’t be a fembot.

Otherwise you’ll be put into Room 101 with the rest of them.

You have been warned.

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Page 10

Political Opinion

Novemberr 15 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

US election special: Daniel Ashcroft on the potential benefits of Bush’s re-election

D

espite his re-election to office, the critics of British and European politics continue to claw at Bush. Furthermore, they continue to do so even though the alternative candidate, John Kerry, hasn’t got a clue.

The highest number of votes received by one candidate, 58.9 million, should finally convince political fiends on a global scale.

Although Iraq wasn’t an ideal proposition to embark upon, it was a necessary risk. Surpassing the 54.5 million votes received in 1988 by Ronald Reagan, Bush addressed the American public as a "nation that has defended itself and served freedom of all mankind".

Over 20 million more voters turned out than the election in 2000. The majority were voting for the first time; a result of the heavily publicised need for America’s youth to make their vote count.

General consensus across the majority of battleground states was that, at this moment in time, National Security is the key issue, above radical changes to the employment and health sectors.

Senator Kerry’s ineptitude in discussing the ongoing war, except to criticise Bush, is what many political figures perceive as the overriding factor as to why the crucial battleground states, such as Ohio, swung in favour of the Texan.

Although it means that unemployment rates will probably continue to rise in the US, of the two, President Bush has stated his priorities in the order the US public want to hear.

“In terms of the war on terror, the next four years will prove crucial” Another four years may not be too crippling on the US job sector, but in terms of the ‘war on terror’, the next four years will prove crucial.

Four more years in office should allow the President sufficient time to

resolve the dormant issues surrounding Iraq and Afghanistan.

In a pledge to those who backed Kerry’s views on health and employment, the President spoke out in what he labelled "a season of hope". Bush said, "To make this nation stronger and better, I will need your support and I will work to earn it".

At the moment, the concerning factor for the Republican Party is the lack of personnel to seize the reigns of power from Bush in 2008.

For the fourth consecutive campaign a US senator has been unsuccessful in election. The Democrats are slowly fading into the Republican shadow, reminiscent of the Laboursaturated government controlling the UK. So what does it say to the rest of the globe when a major alliance struggles to produce leaders at a time when world diplomacy is tipped on a double-edged sword? With the UN already breathing down the neck of the UK as the only salvageable link between the US and Europe, leeway must be made in bridging the gaps left by the ‘war on terrorism’.

His re-election will allow the con-

Battle not over for Bush

By David Jarmain

G

eorge Bush’s re-election has prompted much discussion over what the return of his administration will mean.

Mounting difficulties with rebels in Iraq has fuelled speculation over where he will find the required forces to fight the ‘war on terror’.

The election result proved horrifying for the global majority hoping to see a change in the White House. Not only has he won eight years in office, but he has also achieved democratic legitimacy.

A majority in the popular vote and in the Electoral College vote has vaporised old accusations that he was "not really the President anyway" and that he only came into office through fixing the Florida vote.

The Republicans also took the Senate and now control both houses of Congress. They find themselves armed with the capability to do almost anything they desire short of a Constitutional amendment. Bush also appears to consider his re-election to be a sign from God. The victory even saw Democratic Senate leader Tom Daschle lose his seat to Republican John Thune.

Tom Daschle had been Senator of South Dakota since 1986.

Much of their triumph has been

attributed to the political genius of Bush’s Chief Strategist, Karl Rove, who has campaigned for the past two years to mobilise Bush’s supporters in his strongest, predominantly religious, areas.

The re-election has been followed by an escalation of violence in Iraq.

The movement of British forces into central areas to secure positions left

by US troops sent to engage the current assault on Fallujah indicates how thinly-spread the US forces actually are.

Though the assault was swift, the pattern expected to occur has been the same one throughout the Coalition campaign; the initial military victory is rapid and they successfully occupy the area.

The problem is that occupation requires forces on every street. They then become visible and vulnerable to insurgent snipers and guerrilla warfare tactics.

Ground force Commander Lt. Gen. Thomas Metz believes that many of the rebel leaders fled before the onslaught began, including Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the Jordanian militant blamed for car bombings, kidnappings and beheadings.

The insurgents that have left are likely to group in other towns and continue their uprising there.

So, how will the US find the forces needed to meet this continued threat?

Reports indicate that Reservists and National Guard members already

make up half of the over-stretched US forces. It has been necessary to call up and mobilize 200,000 - 300,000 reserve troops to active duty so far.

The draft, which is a form of conscription in the US last ordered during the Vietnam War, may be the only way to assemble the numbers needed.

In Vietnam, individuals were selected at random, lottery-fashion, from electoral registers.

Those who were selected were then required to perform military duties for a certain period by law. The last military draft ended in 1973.

Its contemporary successor has already been prepared in the form of House Resolution 163 and Senate Bill 89.

Both have been referred to the Committee on Armed Services, the latter receiving two readings in the Senate.

It will remain with the Committee until they decide to return it to Congress, where a vote will be taken as to whether it should become law.

The Senate Bill sets out specifically the form that it will take. Those selected will be between the ages of 18 and 26 and will perform two years’ military service, either in the uniformed forces or in a civilian capacity that "promotes the national defence".

The civilian capacities are to be determined by President Bush himself. If passed next year, it will become the Universal National Service Act 2005.

BUSH: benefit or burden? tinuing relationship between Bush and Tony Blair, something which would be held under scrutiny had Kerry been elected.

In his acceptance speech, Bush said, "With good allies at our side, we will fight this war on terror with every resource of our national power".

Effectively, Britain could have been set back almost a decade had Kerry neglected the need to work alongside Britain in the manner that Clinton did, and in the manner that

Bush continues to do. Despite the backing of the UN, Britain would have been left in a compromising situation, whereby we stand on the periphery of the UN, without backing from the US and prone to political condemnation.

As it is, Blair has already spoken of the one major issue that faces the political world over the forthcoming term: the need to resolve the Middle East peace crisis.

The UN has highlighted the growing concern over relations with North Korea in particular. In addition, Blair feels that now is the time to resolve the issues between Europe and the US so that the peace process can be discussed as a whole.

This comes at the ideal time for Britain. At a time when we need to be seen as an integral part of the UN as well as the US alliance, issues of resolution can be discussed rather than those of conflict and action.

With Labour looking to continue their influence over British politics, Blair would love nothing more than to be the man who resolves the conflicting opinions on terrorism shared throughout the West.

A mandate for change?

By Andrew Mickel

T

his year’s election has provided a new and unpalatable truth for all of Bush’s opponents. Four years ago, we all witnessed Gore’s defeat of Bush in both the key state of Florida and in the nation as a whole.

For reasons we have all had beaten into us by Michael Moore, Bush won the presidency. We were all able to abide the Bush presidency under the knowledge that he never really won and that the Democrats were robbed.

We never really had to accept that the majority of voters chose Bush.

This year, however, there can be no hiding from the truth. Bush was not only elected with the largest number of votes cast for any American President in history, but also increased his majorities in both houses of Congress.

Bush therefore has a clear mandate that he never truly had in first term. His actions so far have been vindicated, and he can press ahead knowing that when he’s called to account, he’s passed with flying colours.

When trying to work out why this has happened, there is a limit to how much we can blame Fox News and all the other neo-conservative totemic figures of hatred before our liberal rage is bound to run out. We have to start questioning why so many people really support Bush.

We can find the answers to some extent in the usual places, the beauti-

fully phrased three Republican G-spots of ‘gays’n’guns’n’God’, but it takes an exceptionally generous stereotype of Americans to suggest that more than half of the population are willing to vote on three issues.

The concept of Bush is now being met with such vitriolic anger outside of the US that we now have to face two separate possibilities, each of which are as unsavoury as the other.

The first is that maybe half the American population is not as stupid as we believe, and that maybe they genuinely find something good in Bush.

The other is that we can no longer believe that Americans are being hoodwinked by the left wing’s favourite obsession, the media, into voting for a President that they really don’t want.

Of course, the result of this would be that all of the liberal rage that is normally reserved for the neo-conservative administration can suddenly be used on Joe America, which isn’t going to get anybody anywhere. Neither option is comfortable.

We can still draw some comfort from the fact that half of the population did not vote for Bush, and that the strength of feeling amongst that half of the electorate is strong. As much as it is becoming a well-worn cliché in this election, the American nation is divided, and the split seems to be growing wider. Only by refocusing on both the policies and the values that unite the country, can Bush make best use of his mandate for change.

November 15 2004

Political Opinion

Page 11

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Examining the outcomes of the presidential elections and what Bush’s victory will mean for America and the world The election process: how it works in the USA

By Daniel Stanton

T

his year’s US election saw George W. Bush take the largest number of votes any presidential candidate has ever won, and yet the result was still too close to call until the final state of Ohio had been counted.

This is largely due to the US’s unusual electoral system, which appears to have been deliberately designed to keep the population guessing until the last minute. Unlike Britain, which operates a first-past-thepost system (in which the party that gains the most constituencies captures 10 Downing Street), the US uses a system of Electoral College votes.

Under this system, the party that wins a particular state wins all of the Electoral College votes for that state, which are then added to their total. The party that gains 270 votes or more wins the Presidency, but it also means that a candidate who loses a state by a handful of votes, loses all of the Electoral College votes for that state.

This is exactly what happened in 2000, when Al Gore lost out on all of Florida’s pivotal 27 Electoral College votes, despite only receiving a few hundred votes less than Bush did in the state. The Presidency was only decided after a long and pedantic court battle revolving around hanging and dimpled chads.

The number of Electoral College votes allocated to each state is based on the number of senators and congress members it has, which in turn is based on population. California gets 55 votes because it has 53 congress members and two senators.

This means that the candidates are

By Andrew Mickel

O

ne week before the US Presidential election, the Guardian offered advice on "What you can do to beat Bush with a little help from the folks in Ohio".

As the paper pointed out, "US policy now affects every citizen on the planet. So we should all have a say in who gets to the White House".

Of course, the Clark County letter writing campaign has quite spectacularly blown up in the Guardian’s face.

The objective was to pair up readers from around the world with voters in one small county in Ohio, a swing state, and see if they could convince them to vote against Bush.

At first, it might seem like a good idea; a way for a disconnected electorate to reconnect with a self-appointed voice of sanity.

likely to spend more time in those states that carry a high number of votes.

However, there are exceptions. In Nebraska and Maine, the Electoral College votes available are distributed proportionally; a candidate who wins fifty three per-cent of the popular vote there wins fifty three per-cent of the Electoral College votes, rather than one hundred per-cent, as they would everywhere else.

This system makes all states equally attractive to the candidates, who might find more reason to visit states such as Delaware that only carry the minimum three votes.

While the United States’ electoral system may seem in need of change, it has the advantage over the British system that voters can actually elect a leader directly. Voters are given a vote for one of the presidential candidates, and also vote on who they want to rep-

resent them in Congress.

Britain’s process only allows voters to choose who will represent their local constituency: a vote for them is also a vote for the head of their party.

Proportional representation has long been suggested as a way to make the British electoral system more representative of the votes that are being cast.

Perhaps it is time that Britain, and 48 of America’s states, made the change.

Andrew Rennison’s reflections on the US elections

U

ntil November 2, 2004 I’d never stayed up through the entirety of the night without some kind of beneficial return.

But by 7:30 on Wednesday morning I was down, I was drowsy, and I was defeated. More importantly, so was Kerry.

The night had started so very well.

For the first time in 18 years, I felt an emotional connection with Americans, as I saw numerous Democratic supporters appear on the screen armed with a sincere sense of hope. This was the night.

Though all the polls showed a dead heat, and it was hard to imagine with any certainty where those crucial votes would come from, I was hopeful.

Hopeful, because I truly believed it absolutely impossible that a majority of conscious Americans would vote for a man like George W Bush.

Awaiting the all-important climax to the evening, I found that nothing much was happening; Bush states had gone to Bush, Kerry states to Kerry.

But something was unnerving me.

Interfering with democracy

Numerous Democrats were referring in their comments to ‘President Kerry’.

The repetition of this ominous phrase made me shiver, as nothing worries the senses like an old-fashioned jinx. No sooner had I suppressed these nerves, than the axe suddenly fell. At just after half four, Florida was called for Bush. And it wasn’t even close.

And then I realised, remembering all that happened four years before, that not only was Kerry going to lose, but that Bush was actually going to win. Not cheat, but actually win.

For me, the rest of the morning was pretty irrelevant; Fox News called Ohio for Bush at 5:40, and you know that if Fox News does anything then the end is nigh, in so many ways.

By the time Kerry had conceded on Wednesday, things were clear, yet irrepressibly bleak and inexplicably bad.

Not only had Bush won, he’d won by an actual voting majority.

The Republican Party strengthened its hold on both Congress and the Senate. There was no controversy, no

recounts, no lawsuits – I didn’t even see any lawyers!

Like most, I knew Kerry wasn’t the strongest candidate ever, but with so many negatives regarding Bush – job losses, fiscal insanity, international isolation, another Vietnam – I just couldn’t fathom people voting him in again. Even the world’s entire stockpile of bullshit couldn’t hide Bush’s ineptitude. Could it?

Obviously, something could, and did.

For me, two things brought the world into another four-year-long nightmare.

First, the sheer ignorance of noncoastal America. The US political map has slithers of blue on the far East and West, but huge slabs of red dominate the central plains. New York voters have luxuries like the internet, education and the New York Times.

The inhabitants of Hillbillyville Alabama barely have telephones, their children are taught by evangelicals, and Fox News is their primary information source. Who’s going to make a rational, reasoned decision?

Second, the inability of Kerry to clearly stand for anything. Nearly all he ever did was bitch about how bad Bush was, when he should have emphasised from the beginning what John Kerry was, not what George Bush was not.

Bush was the secure vote; as he said so himself, you may not like what he stands for, but at least you know where he stands.

I take comfort then, that Bush’s reelection was at least a small victory against negative politics.

Ultimately though, the issue isn’t that one Tuesday night, but the next 1461. I feel I can sum up this future.

During a term into which he was barely elected, coming second in the popular vote, George Bush started two wars, abandoned most of Europe, turned a budget surplus into a deficit, slashed taxes for the rich and lost more jobs for his country than anyone since Hoover.

Imagine, just imagine what he’ll do now he has a total mandate to rule.

Only one thing keeps me from cowering in fear. In 2008, enter Hilary.

“The project was arrogant.

A vainglorious attempt by a paper who massively overstretched it’s boundaries” But then try to think about what it would be like to receive a letter, from a foreigner, telling you who to vote for.

The fact is that the project was arrogant; a vainglorious attempt by a paper who massively over-stretched it’s boundaries.

At a time when the paper is seemingly angry about the US and UK’s intervention in Iraq, it seems quite incredible that it took the opportunity to frustrate another nation’s democratic process.

The Guardian seems to take on board what a disaster the project has turned out to be.

The exercise was not about communicating but instead about telling people how to vote.

Instead, there are plenty of other ways to genuinely interact with, rather than dictate to, people we choose The internet now lets us discuss ideas with people directly in a way that both sides voluntarily choose to take part in.

Whether or not each side is willing is a different matter, but even if they are not, it can never be our place to dictate to another nation’s voters what to do.

Health

Page 12

November 15 2004

grhealth@cf.ac.uk

Pigging out on junk food

By Kristin Farris

Health Reporter

O

N HALLOWE’EN, my flatmates sat around the kitchen table chewing on bits of pig skin. Odds are, they were having a bit of bone, sinew, cartilage and ligament, too.

"It tastes alright to me," said Majella Keating, a Masters student in town planning.

"Waste not," said Samyuktha Nair, an MBA student.

And they kept chewing.

My flatmates were eating gummy sweets, fruit-flavoured ones in colourful wrappers. In addition to the corn syrup, sugar, and fruit juice on the ingredients list, the sweets contain gelatine.

The glue that sticks you together, sticks your food together Gelatine is not the only binding agent that holds foods such as sweets together, but it is the one that is most commonly used.

It is made from animal protein, usually skin, bone, and connective tissue from pigs and cattle.

According to Gelatine Manufacturers of Europe, at least sixty per-cent of European gelatine used in food comes from pig skin.

Marshmallows, sour cream, some breakfast cereals and yoghurt often use gelatine as a thickener.

Gelatine makes gummy sweets gummy, jelly wobbly, and many pills easier to swallow.

"They should really have a disclaimer on the package saying ‘This product contains connective tissue’, because here I am thinking I’m eating chewy, fruity things, not the rejects from a slaughterhouse," said Nidhi Mehrotha, an economics Masters student.

Food products that contain gelatine are required to name it in the list of ingredients.

While the ingredients list may not read ‘connective tissue’ or ‘rejects

Health in brief

from the slaughterhouse’, gelatine may be listed under the euphemism ‘hydrolised collagen’.

Remember that barbed-wire fence scene in Fight Club?

Gelatine does not occur naturally.

It is derived from collagen, a protein responsible for skin’s elasticity. Since gelatine is processed from animal skin, bones and ligaments, that means collagen is, too.

When processed for human consumption, collagen is a popular ingredient in lotions, shampoos, eye creams, and cosmetic injections meant to make lips fuller and wrinkles less noticeable.

New findings from an archaeological site in the UK indicate that ancient Romans were smearing animal fat on their faces for cosmetic purposes nearly two thousand years ago.

Qimin Liu, an international transport Masters student, is one of many at Cardiff who still partake of a variation on that practice. "My lotion feels nice. It makes my skin soft, so I don’t mind what it is made of. Since I don’t mind eating gelatine, I think putting collagen on my face is not a problem," she said.

From gristle to glue, and jelly Gelatine has to be rendered from collagen. This is done by grinding up animal protein and dissolving it in a strong acid or base. After that, the resulting liquidy substance is boiled.

Boiling causes the collagen molecules to break apart.

When the broken collagen molecules cool and reform, the molecules reshape, not as collagen, but as either gelatine or a glue known as hide glue.

Hide glue is a cruder form of gelatine often used as an adhesive in musical instruments and wooden furniture.

Gelatine is 84 - 90 per-cent protein, with one to two per-cent salts, and the rest water. In its pure form, gelatine is

By Jess Boydell Health Editor

Cabbage as Cancer Prevention

READ THE LABEL: The hidden ingredients in sweets could be a lot more meatier than people think flavourless, tasteless, and colourless.

When mixed with hot water and cooled, as when making jelly, gelatine can absorb about 10 times its volume in water, creating a translucent gel.

That gel is used in food products, some of which do not otherwise appear to contain animal products.

Officially vegetarianism considers gelatine to be an inappropriate food for a vegetarian lifestyle, but personal views held by several Cardiff University vegetarians differ on the matter.

Joanna Marshall, an international journalism Masters student, has been a vegetarian for about four years. Her choice to become a vegetarian sprung from a number of reasons, none of which were religious. "I won’t eat a hamburger, but I don’t usually make an effort to read [food] labels.

Gelatine in food doesn’t bother me that much."

Akhila Anantharaman, a civil engineering first year student, is a lifelong vegetarian for religious reasons.

She knows what gelatine is and still

eats it, even though in a religious sense she is not supposed to. "I can’t resist. I am grossed out, but I don’t think about it. What I don’t see doesn’t hurt me," she said.

Something that influences many vegetarians’ choice to consume products that contain gelatine is the general lack of vegetarian alternatives.

For vegetarians who want to eat foods such as marshmallows, gummy sweets, and jelly, veggie-friendly options are not very easy to come by.

Plant-derived gelatine alternatives do not have quite the same properties.

Pectin and agar are similar to gelatine. They can be derived from cell walls in some fruits or seaweed, but do not gel or dissolve as well as gelatine does. Agar is usually used in Petri dishes as a base to culture bacteria, and pectin is used as the gelling agent to thicken jams, some yoghurts, and some sweets.

The lack of demand for vegetarianfriendly gelatine alternatives also makes those that are available even harder to come by.

Meningitis warning for students to spot the signs

POTENTIALL FATAL: There is no vaccine for meningitis B

‘B AWARE and Show You Care’ is the Meningitis Trust's message to students who have returned to university over the UK this autumn.

Meningitis remains a highly dangerous disease that kills over 200 people each year and affects thousands more. Despite the success of the vaccination programme to protect against meningitis C there is still no vaccine for meningitis B, which now accounts for about 80 per-cent of cases in the UK. After babies and young children, students are the group that are most at risk of meningitis. Spokesperson for the Trust, Emi Spinner, said "One in four students carry the bacteria that can cause meningitis at the back of

their throats, compared to one in ten of the of the population as a whole.

No one really knows why this is, but shared living arrangements, exposure to germs from around the country and intimate interaction add up to an increased risk."

The early signs of meningitis are similar to flu. They include a severeheadache, stiff neck, vomiting, dislike of bright lights, joint pain, high temperature and in cases of septicaemia, a red or purple rash which does not fade under pressure.

Most of these symptoms are all too familiar with students as they can also be associated with an over-indulgent night in the student bar.

If your friend, flatmate or another student has gone to bed feeling

unwell, whether or not it is after a big night out, remember to check on them.

If you are in doubt, trust your instincts and seek medical advice. Even if it's a false alarm, you can rest assured you have done the right thing.

The Meningitis Trust has sent out awareness packs to all universities and HE colleges in the UK. The packs contain credit-card size symptoms cards, posters and a selection of beer mats, sporting slogans reminding students of the symptoms of meningitis.

"The Trust wants to make sure every student in the UK is provided with a symptoms card", concluded Emi. "By keeping a card to hand, every student will be aware, informed and ready to act quickly if they suspect meningitis.”

It seems that when your mum told you to ‘eat all your greens’, she might have known something scientists are only now discovering.

Vegetables such as broccoli, sprouts and cabbage produce a substance that could help to fight cancer.

Researchers at the School of Medicine at Cardiff University have begun clinical trials in order to determine whether eating such vegetables will reduce incidences of cervical abnormalities.

The investigation is being sponsored by Cancer Research UK in conjunction with the director of cervical screening.

Mumps Epidemic Students between 18 and 22 are being urged to get vaccinated against mumps following warnings of an epidemic on Britain’s campuses.

It is predicted that as many as 3000 young people will come down with mumps by the end of the year.

The scare has come from the fact that those of student age were not properly immunised as children.

According to research by the Daily Telegraph, Nottingham University alone has had 60 cases and Birmingham had seven new cases just last weekend.

Taking the initiative, Leeds University has organised mass vaccination sessions for students.

Symptoms of mumps include fever, loss of appetite and a painful and swollen neck.

Did you know?

Chlamidia is one of the most rapidly growing sexual infections and may result in infertility. It can be easily detected by a simple urine test.

If you would like further information or would like a test contact: Cardiff University Health Centre, 47 Park Place.

Tel: 029 20784810

NEXT TIME IN HEALTH ... A closer look at eating disorders

Letters

Page 14

November 15 2004

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page Despite the pleas in this weeks’ text box, I’m not entirely convinced that you can have intelligent letters that don’t cause an argument.

Controversy stems from the fact that we are all different and will all respond to an opinion in different ways. Letters Desk will always welcome provocative views, but like the anonymous text says, we like well-written pieces too.

Perri

Second year socialising isn’t so stifling Dear gair rhydd, We are writing in response to the recent article concerning 'Second year blues' (SYB). On pondering our lives as second year students, we think it was not totally accurate. Ok, so things count this year, but that doesn't mean that it has to be any different if you Please email your letters to

grletters@cf.ac.uk prizes As always, Letters Desk have tried their best to find a prize relative to all the hard work the letter of the week writer puts in.

This week they will be happy to find a pair of tickets to a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

organise your time properly and not take on too many extra responsibilites.

Life doesn't suddenly change on the basis of a year. We're all adults now so surely we can plan our social lives around work commitments too.

Work hard, play hard - isn't that what University is all about? The article makes second year out to be some kind of torture chamber or confined isolation, having to be locked away with your Jane Austen or whatever else you study. Don't get us wrong, we don't want to take the rebellious view point: University is about getting your degree, and at the same time, gaining a bit of social experience. Both of these can be achieved with a little planning.

As for carrying all these heavy books around: surely if you're spending 'days in the library' there's obviously no need to take them all home!

Think yourself lucky to have days spare for the library in the first place!

Fondest Regards, Two very satisfied year two students.

You’re right, the second year isn’t that hard. I mean, why on earth would Kerry-Lynne Doyle be finding it hard to balance her lectures, seminars, her responsibility as Books editor of Quench, her writing of articles for gair rhydd and her social life?

Oh I know, because she isn’t an apathetic, inactive student like so many people are. Because she doesn’t fill her days watching Doctors and moaning about having eight

hours of lectures a week. Because at the beginning of her first year she got off her arse and came up to the gair rhydd office and now spends all her free time working for the good of the readers.

I’m going to take a little guess that this is the reason why she, and so many other students are finding their second year that little bit harder.

Geordie offends the Environment Dear gair rhydd, The Ethical & Environmental committee disagrees with Geordie and invites him to come to one of our meetings where dialogue is much easier.

Geordie says: "…such as the attempt to ban Rolls Royce from the Careers Fair". A little reminder of our banner: "Your career has the potential to help many lives. Or you can work to destroy them. Think twice before you work for Rolls Royce."

We didn’t even go inside the Great Hall.

Not only: "The company actually provides only engines for military jets…which is primarily used in waging war against another state" - which is in my belief is a human rights abuse (of a whole country) - but they also produce engines for the Trident nuclear submarines with the power of mass destruction and engines for more than 22000 warships.

From Rolls-Royce annual report 2003: "In defence aerospace, RollsRoyce is number one in Europe and world number two in terms of engines in service. We have the largest military engine customer base, serving over 160 armed forces worldwide with 24,000 engines in current military service. The defence aerospace business is also responsible for a further 11,000 helicopter engines in commercial service."

letter of the week Medclub: the saga continues Dear gair rhydd, I would just like to make a comment regarding the current Medclub situation. Us medics do not appreciate the blackmail connotations that ensue when you call an event, 'Use it or Lose it' (November 12 at Medclub). If the union had actually bothered to consult the healthcare students they now represent they would have known how to run Medclub and it would not have been left in the state it is in now. Also, if the union bothered to advertise events at Medclub (such as this one) in the 'listings' section of gair rhydd and on the Cardiff Students Events list, then perhaps more people would go.

3rd year Med. student

James Green, Union Secretary says: I wholly apologise on behalf of the Union for the administrative error that caused the naming of the event at Medclub on the November 12 in the listings of the What's On Guide and thank you for bringing it to my attention as it was not my or never has been my intention to blackmail students.

However, if you read the article on the front page, you'd be aware that the night was in fact called the 'Medclub Revival'; this is also the name on the tickets. This is obviously a learning experience for the Students' Union as this is the first time Medclub has been run by full-time staff and our aim, as always, is to provide a first class service for students.

I was surprised to hear that you haven’t felt consulted as the idea for the event came from a Medclub Forum meeting, in which around 70 former UWCM students attended, in an effort to help improve the running of the

Medclub. There is also an email list to all these students to update those interested in the situation at Medclub. I'm more than happy to add you or any other interested party to this list if you contact me and make suggestions.

In regards to advertising, the Medclub has been advertised exactly the same as any event held at any of the venues at the Park Place site, including up at Medclub, the Hospital and in Halls of Residence at the Heath site. It is part of the learning curve on which we are both on that this wasn't the best course of action and now, with this email list, we can use another avenue to advertise events at Medclub.

However, I do urge you to show your willingness to make the most out of Medclub by helping make it a success and attending as many events as possible. I hope you enjoy the event on Friday.

Email James on GreenJ5@cf.ac.uk

We never read "attack aerospace" do we? It’s like 160 armed forces were all defending from each other without any actually attacking the others and civilians being harmed during "liberation" campaigns.

The more sophisticated technology these companies develop the more civilians die in wars. 90% of casualties of war are civilians. Afghanistan, Iraq and Kosovo are examples of that.

Civilians ultimately continue to pay the price either through death, injury or displacement.

Geordie says that "the company sells its products and need not concern themselves with the eventual use". Not only does the company have duties of responsibility, there is a reason why you can’t buy Anthrax over the chemist counter, but also the country of manufacturing. The Export Control and Non-Proliferation Act 2002 is the current legislation controlling UK arms exports, but as we were trying to inform, it is not legally enforceable, resulting in UK arms companies supplying military equipment sometimes to both sides of the conflict (ie. India and Pakistan).

It’s even worse - Rolls Royce said: "we operate fully within export control regimes applied by the governments of the countries in which we have manufacturing operations" – so if by very remote chance the UK government would stop Rolls Royce, they can just sell it if from somewhere else where Arms Exports control are even weaker or nonexistent (ie China – from Rolls Royce Annual report 2003) Geordie says: "I fail to make the link" between Rolls Royce’s ethical policies and Sudan humanitarian crisis. The fact that the UN is unfortunately powerless to stop the mass killing of innocent people around the world in an effective manner does not excuse companies profiting from global conflict.

Geordie says: "Surely…to help rebuild a war-torn country is a good thing? And if they make a tidy profit on the way then good for them" The same country (Iraq) started first as a customer, then became a target and now enjoys the opportunity to

text

be rebuilt. Three services – same company. Profit in the modern times.

This is why the Ethical and Environmental committee believes that E&E matters are of concern to the individual, and that collectively we can amplify the positive influence we can have on the world we live in.

We believe exchanging and making information available is one of the best ways. But some people seem to think activists lack something in their lives or pose some kind of threat, like the guy from AISEC who advised one of us to "get a life" – cheers mate, got one already!

Geordie also says, "I for one will not be told with whom I can and cannot do business" Information Geordie, it was all about information.

Geordie says he would rather write about a group of students that decided to inform fellow students of a potential employer’s unethical policies (even if subjective), than writing about a man whose election has a tremendous impact on every living thing on the planet. Fair enough…

Joao Martins and Frances Foster, E&E comittee Geordie, as promised, died of shock.

A poetic reply To Dinamo you played ok, 2-1 : A close victory, not as described "dismay", Your ugly groupy slags write your reviews, The IMG isn't worthy of poem news.

We kicked your asses at the end of the game, No hard feelings but your last poem was lame.

Regards, Japsoc.

And thus ends another letters page for another week. Remember, whatever your problems, we’re like the uncle you never had. That is, we’ll listen to your problems, ruffle your hair and perhaps patronise you. But we won’t buy you presents.

07791165837

stop printing shit that starts arguments. give us intelligent letters. sinead quinn for thom airs. oxfordian oirish. a ginger with hair straighteners. god help us all. beejeezus. drink bourbon! you’re so hetrosexual. boys from the woody with the jason donovan board game be there with it weds at 9 repressed hannibal wud like to meet small child for fun and frolics in the

forest. don’t tell your mother! i read the txts in gair rhydd and the letters/ opinions. liberal crap. anyone have any balls? do not be afraid to insult. ps. richey come home. jenny needs a guy. all enquires 3rd floor general office look ma i drew me a nekked wimman i rule. you don’t.

Media

November 15 2004

Page 17

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

BBC Wales’ uncertain future Welsh Broadcasting could be hit in major BBC cutbacks

By Marielle Smith Media Correspondent

F

inding media employment could become increasingly difficult, with reports this week suggesting that BBC job cuts could affect up to a quarter of the corporation’s 28,000 staff.

It is thought that the scaling down of the corporation by its newly-appointed Director General, Mark Thompson, is in preparation for the impending review of the Royal Charter.

This could have a detrimental effect on the future of Welsh broadcasting.

BBC Wales is based at Broadcasting House, in Cardiff. There are also studios and offices in Bangor, Wrexham, Aberystwyth, and Carmarthen.

Altogether, the Welsh BBC workforce totals 1,200 – a significant proportion of which could suffer redundancies.

As well as producing television programmes for BBC 1 Wales, BBC 2 Wales, and BBC 2W (Digital), the company also outsources programmes to the Welsh language channel S4C. As a result, BBC Wales is responsible for a number of Wales’ longestrunning and most popular programmes, including the news programme Wales Today, which has been produced in Cardiff since 1963, and the soap opera Pobol y Cwn (since 1974).

In addition to their television output, it also broadcasts two radio stations: BBC Radio Wales (in English) and BBC Radio Cymru (in Welsh).

BBC Wales also contributes towards network commissions and maintains on-line information on websites in English and Welsh.

It provides a crucial service to Welsh speaking viewers and listeners and has played a particularly important role in keeping people informed of Welsh current affairs.

Such in-depth commentary on the political process in Wales may not be possible if the BBC is scaled down.

As a national public service broadcaster, pressure is always on the BBC to show that it provides quality and cost-effectiveness.

Its work is monitored by the renewal of the Royal Charter – the agreement the BBC has with the government - due next in 2006.

The current Charter Review began in 2003, and is thought to be the driving force behind the proposed job cuts.

Massive losses The corporation will hope to improve on losses of £249 million incurred last year.

Although the BBC is permitted to increase TV licences by 1.5% higher than inflation, it will be unwilling to do so, as it anticipates a lower funding budget next year.

Since Mark Thompson’s appointment as Director General, reviews of four different areas have begun to produce a more streamlined BBC. One of these, entitled ‘Out of London’, aims to move programme making out of the city. Currently, this is where the majority of commissioning departments are situated.

The move would take emphasis away from the capital into areas which are less well represented, with the affect of making programmes that reflect the British public as a whole.

This would help fulfil the BBC’s on-going goal to be a broadcasting service truly representative of the diversity of people and cultures living in the UK, free from any elitism that

“BBC Wales provides a crucial service to Welsh speaking viewers.” could be perceived with the majority of programmes originating from London.

The other reports, known as ‘Value for Money’, ‘Commercial’, and ‘Content Supply’ are concerned with lowering costs, selling off its moneymaking areas and increasing the number of programmes made by independent contractors.

It seems that most members of BBC Wales remain unaware of how the restructuring will effect the Welsh division, but it is thought unlikely that it will be hit as badly as other parts of the country.

It provides a valuable service for the people of Wales who are generally not represented by the BBC elsewhere.

In fact, a future of economic growth could lie ahead if this turns out to be one of the areas targeted for expansion.

At a meeting last week, the BBC’s UK Director of Nations and Regions, Pat Loughrey, was unable to give staff any detailed information regarding redundancies.

According to Lewis Mottram –

Branch Secretary for BECTU (Broadcasting Entertainment Cinematograph and Theatre Union) BBC Wales confirmed that "nothing yet has been put into writing about any job cuts".

Mottram and other employees were told: "Look out, times are going to get hard".

Welsh outcry Despite this, Loughrey believes there would be an outcry from Assembly Ministers and Welsh language interest groups if anything did happen to seriously jeopardise Welsh language broadcasting.

The future at ITV Wales is also uncertain making the future of BBC Wales increasingly important.

If BBC Wales is to suffer a scaling back, it would mark a serious step back from the ground gained through the ‘devolution dividend’ - brought about with the establishment of the Welsh Assembly in 1999.

Whatever the outcome it seems the BBC is unwilling to make any public comments in the near future, so the review announcements at the end of December will be eagerly awaited.

Many hope this does not signal the demise of an independent broadcasting corporation that we are privileged to have.

Xpress Radio: Best Bits Two weeks on FM went by so quickly. Here’s a look at our favourite moments.

By Laura Wootton Media Correspondent

F

riday night saw the end of another two weeks in Xpress Radio’s history when FM broadcast came to an end.

But, the broadcast wasn’t the only success of the fortnight, with the station being shortlisted for national awards.

The broadcast kicked off with the launch at Lashtastic.

Gin and tonic glowed from glasses under the UV lights, while over a hundred UV balloons emblazoned with the Xpress Radio logo were dropped onto the crowd at midnight.

Coinciding with the start of the FM broadcast came the launch of the revamped website, www.xpressradio.co.uk.

Alongside regular news updates, competitions and show info, the site also has a growing online community with a members forum.

Most importantly though, the site now has live streaming all year round.

The two weeks on air has shown everyone within a seven mile radius of the students’ union the vast wealth of broadcasting talent that this university has to offer.

The music team ensured that the station’s playlist was consistently first-rate, while the diverse range of specialist shows means that there was barely a musical genre that didn’t receive an airing.

Xpress Radio isn’t just about music though, with the speech-based programming being particularly impressive.

One highlight was the fourth series of the gripping soap Woodville Road, which continued with all the scandal you’ve come to expect in Cardiff student life.

Further speech-based entertainment included the drama show ‘The Word in Theatre’, with one episode including ‘Born To Run’ - a play that explores different characters’ experiences of the Bruce Springsteen song.

The play had been a sell out at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and was specially adapted for Xpress Radio.

On top of all this, the station even managed to host an acoustic night in The Taf with local bands Donya Maria, Fred Snow, and The Blims.

It was hailed as another triumph for the events team, so watch this space for more live music.

During the broadcast, the Xpress Radio team learnt that they had been nominated for two prestigious student radio awards, organised by The Student Radio Association in association with BBC Radio 1 and the Radio Academy.

Xpress Radio have been shortlisted in the Best Entertainment category for Roop and Tom’s ‘(Students Don’t) Drive’ show, as well as a nomination in the Best Specialist category for ‘Outer national’ hosted

by David Winks.

As Tom Wellingham, station manager puts it, ‘Xpress radio has always been renowned for its specialist music and this proves it.’

The results will be announced on the November 19.

Further excitement was caused by the announcement that digital radio station BBC 6 Music have decided that the Xpress studios are the perfect location to broadcast a one-off special of their breakfast show with Phil Jupitus.

So, Xpress Radio’s two week takeover of the airwaves has come to an end for now.

But, fear not, the next FM broadcast in February lasts four weeks. For now, you can always listen live online at www.xpressradio.co.uk.

Jobs & Money

Page 18

November 15 2004

grjobsandmoney@cf.ac.uk

CAMPING IT UP IN THE US

By Carly O’Donnell Jobs and Money Editor

A

s the nights draw in and you’re walking back from the library laden with books so boring they can induce a coma with one page, a horrifying reality begins to dawn on you.

Exams are looming, essays are drawing near and the weeks of at least four nights out on the razz are officially over. From here on in university actually requires work. Gits; that was never part of the agreement.

The normal reaction to imminent studying is to turn your attention away from deadlines and think of happier times. No not that god awful threemonth-extravaganza of tinsel and all things tacky we call Christmas, but the summer of course.

Sun, sea, sand and saying goodbye to your mouse-infested student abode, or relaxing at home with your parents, will soon beckon. Aaaaahh, the summer holidays!

Time for rest, relaxation, and swaying palm trees, balmy evenings enjoying cocktails on a veranda… STOP (Cue screechy type sound akin to vinyl being ripped from a turntable).

The sad but inevitably true fact, is that for most of us, the holidays do not tend to involve palm trees. Or verandas. Or balmy qualities of any kind.

No, for us, the only ‘S word’ realted to the holidays is ‘Sainsbury’s’.

Yes, don that fetching orange and blue uniform, flex those barcodeswiping muscles and witness that cruel trick of fate, that yet again means you do not have enough money for a proper foreign holiday this year.

You can instead relish in the delights of spending your 16 weeks of freedom flogging yourself to the bone. And the satisfaction of that first hard earned pay cheque that gets eaten

up in the 1500 squid you already owe to the bank. Lovely.

But it’s not all doom, gloom and groceries. There is another way. It involves adventure, exotic locations and best of all, cash.

The only drawback is it also involves a modicum of advance planning and that’s where most people fall down, preoccupied as we all are with planning this year’s round of homemade Christmas presents.

But put down that rotting Satsuma and cocktail stick mobile and think ahead – the answer to all your debt and dull life worries could be…

(Pause for drum roll)… working in a summer camp!

Opportunities abroad Every year thousands of international young people go to work on American Summer camps, which exist in every state.

You probably already have an idea of the traditional American Summer Camp, especially if you watched that

CAMP: Alyson not included

COMPANY PROFILE

WORKING ABROAD: Fancy some camp action this summer? awful programme ‘Bug Juice’ a few years ago when were you supposed to be revising for your exams. Or how about those ‘Band Camp’ scenes in American Pie. However, the truth is every single camp is different, from ‘Dirty Dancing’ style family camps (Johnny and watermelons not included), to special needs camps, to camps for inner-city kids, to Independent camps.

Perhaps the best part of working in a summer camp is that after your 9 weeks of work, you have another 8 or so weeks to travel the states getting to experience everything it has to offer.

Of course, there are also the financial benefits.

Although you don’t get paid an imense amount at summer camp, you are making money whilst doing what you love.

You can expect to enjoy doing sport, drama, arts (insert any imaginable hobby), getting a tan, meeting new people, seeing

new places, enhancing your CV and most importantly, not having to give up your hard fought freedom by retreating back to the parental home.

Downsides, such as buying a rucksack, could become an upside if you’re thrilled by phrases such as ‘multi-compartmentalised’ and ‘maximum volume extension straps’. Not knowing anyone in the entire cast of Eastenders when you return seems a rather small price to pay.

The right place Once you’ve made the liberating decision to flee the country, a few small details remain to be ironed out.

Mainly, where do you go, what do you do, and how do you avoid ending up sharing a Mississippi jail with a 10 tonne ‘lady’ called Susan because you accidentally violated State visa law C395.ii (b)?

There are a number of work and travel companies offering placements in summer camps for students. They exist to sort out all the legal wrangling

CCUSA has been a Summer Camp Specialist since 1986. They offer a huge range of work placements abroad, the most popular of which being the American camp programme.

The company sends students and young people to work in summer camps all over the states in a variety of different roles.

You could be a specialist counsellor where you teach a skill such as art or canoeing to children, a general counsellor where you take part in activities with kids, or a support staff member. The latter is a good choice if you don’t think you can handle being with children all day as you’ll be based in an office or kitchen.

Over the past 16 years CCUSA have placed more than 100,000 international workers in over 1000 summer camps across the United States, so it is clear that working in summer camps is a safe and enjoyable way to spend your summer.

CCUSA is designated by the United States as an official exchange visitor program sponsor. That allows them to issue the official forms necessary for J-1 cultural exchange visas.

Broken down, that basically means they sort out all the boring stuff to do with work visas, while you think about what clothes to pack.

If you would like to find out more about working in a summer camp in America then check out www.ccusa.com for more information on your nearest info meeting.

If you don’t think camp is for you, it might also be worth checking out their other foreign work programmes such as work expierence USA, Austrailia and New Zealand.

involved in working abroad, and securing your job, leaving you free to worry about whether the "pack one cuddly toy" rule still applies to over 18’s.

If you’re stood there right now thinking ‘Oh no, I haven’t got any experience or qualifications in teaching things to kids’, don’t worry.

As long as you are enthusiastic, with bags of energy, and have a vague idea of what a child looks like, you should be fine.

So forget about that scabby job you slaved away in for three months last summer and do something more constructive with your time.

The world is your oyster and frankly if you’re not even a little bit interested in what it has to offer then get back behind that checkout and see the rest of your life mapped out in reward vouchers.

Working abroad in a summer camp could give your CV the edge over other graduates and give you a taste of independence that you could never experience at home.

MONEY TALKS “The cost of a thing is the amount of life which is required to be exchanged for it.”

HD Thoreau (1817-62)

Jobs & Money

November 15 2004

Page 19

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

Endless chances for students For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

C

ardiff University is encouraging students to look beyond their studies and consider Amazon wildlife safaris, Himalayan aid projects, learning a language or working on a summer camp in the USA. A University careers fair to be staged at Cardiff City Hall on Wednesday 17 November will show students how easy it is to launch their own adventure or take on a rewarding job.

“Students should not underestimate the importance of career planning.

Events such as this allow them to gain a valuable insight into the wide range of career opportunities.” says Nigel Thomas, Director of the Careers Service at Cardiff University.

The Fair will showcase opportunities from over 70 national and international organisations, including South Wales Police, National Probation Service, HSBC, Teacher Training Agency, Raleigh International, Rolls Royce, McDonalds, Barnardos, Masterfoods and IAESTE UK. The event is open to all students and postgraduates from Wales and beyond, offering a chance to find out how they can earn extra cash, make contacts, boost their skills, gain invaluable experience and impress their future employer.

For further details contact the Careers Service, 5 Corbett Road, Tel: 029 2087 4828 or log on to their website, which can be found at www.cardiff.ac.uk/carsv

News in brief More than degrees?

Swydd/Job:

Student Promotions Manager

Swydd/Job:

Kitchen Porter

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £6 - £10 per hour 5 - 15 hours per week Ongoing.

A national promotions and marketing company with a number of alcoholic drink brand clients, is looking for a student to manage promotion teams. Duties will include organising and confirming promotions. Applicants must be outgoing, have their own transport, and should not be in their final year of study.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £4.85 per hour To be discussed Ongoing Four-star hotel in Cardiff requires a kitchen porter to help maintain high standards of cleanliness and hygiene in the kitchen. No previous experience is necessary as full training will be provided. Applicants must be flexible and willing to work as part of a team.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

044

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

047

Swydd/Job:

Dispatch Assistants

Part-time Customer Sales Advisor Cardiff Ardal/Area: £7.69 per hour Tal/Wage: Evenings and weekends Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: OngoingTemporary Manylion/Details: Duties include taking inbound calls, processing applications, activation of credit cards, as well as up-selling and cross-selling additional products.

Previous call centre experience is desirable, and good customer service skills are essential.

Swydd/Job:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

045

Cardiff £5.25 per hour Usually 3-6 Mon-Fri; extra shifts available in Nov & Dec Parhad/Duration: ASAP * 20th Dec 2004 Manylion/Details: Mail order company for perfumes, cosmetics and skincare products, require part-time staff to aid in assembling and dispatching orders to be sent to clients. Applicants should have strong attention to detail, be physically fit as some heavy lifting will be involved, and be computer literate.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 046 Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours:

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

have no problems But some undergraduates, including Cardiff students, are still waiting for this years’ loans to arrive, despite applying as early as April.

NUS HAS given cautious approval to the idea of degree classifications being capped in favour of a portfolio of achievement.

Speaking to The Independent, Hannah Essex, NUS vice president education said: "In an increasingly competitive job market, and with burdens of debt to contend with, students are recognising the need to add more to their CVs. “NUS therefore welcomes changes to the system that will recognise a student’s experience and ability."

MORE PEOPLE than ever are seeking advice on how to handle debt according to the Daily Express.

In particular the Citizens Advice Bureau has reported a 75% increase in borrowing and debt related enquiries.

Get your loan early

Build your future

STUDENTS APPLYING for loans next year have been told to get their forms in early.

The Student Loans Company has said those who get their forms in before the end of sixth form would

STUDENTS LOOKING for vocational courses should try construction.

A lack of skilled workers means the industry is looking to school leavers.

Not debt-terred to spend

None of us slaving away at gair rhydd towers actually have a proper job (if we did, we wouldn’t be here). Fortunately we have access to the lovely people at the careers service who not only have jobs, but also spend their lives helping other people get jobs. If you’ve got any questions about your career (or lack of it) email grjobs@cf.ac.uk and, if you’re lucky, we’ll answer your worries on these pages.

Bribery will not be accepted.

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

November 15 2004

Free Stuff

Page 21

grcomps@yahoo.co.uk

"Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else" Judy Garland

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Win more broadband JUST BECAUSE I feel a so bad for disappointing the many who did not win my first broadband competition, I’ve decided to run another similar competition.

Aren’t I good to you all?

Those lovely people at BT have created Broadband for Students - a brand new package offering a ninemonth broadband contract guaranteed to solve your household squabbles as to who gets to use the internet next.

It costs £24.99 for monthly line rental or £26.99 for BT Yahoo! Broadband (with Direct Debit, otherwise add £1.

Subject to availability and survey. A BT line or similar required.

Minimum computer specification applies. Minimum 9 month term. Terms & Conditions apply.) For more details see www.bt.com/broadbandforstudents.

The new package is designed specially around your student year and is available with the BT Wireless Network. The BT Wireless Network 1250 connects up to 10 computers wirelessly and extra computers via existing telephone lines (£99.99 if you are a BT Broadband or BT Yahoo! Broadband customer), with an incredible range of up to 50m indoors and 250m outdoors (in ideal conditions). A laptop or desktop adapter card are needed to wirelessly connect each laptop or desktop PC unless your computer is already compatible with wireless networking.

But don’t worry about that my children, because the BT Voyager 1060 laptop adapter card (£39.99) and BT Voyager 1040 desktop adapter card (£39.99) are available from BT. Simply hit www.bt.com/homenetworking Just to warn you though, this service is not compatible with cable broadband and your service provider must permit networking. This service is also not available with BT Broadband Basic, but all other Broadband from BT packages are compatible.

You can also connect up your games console to your broadband connection to have a bit of fun after all the hard work has been done.

To celebrate the launch of Broadband for Students, BT are offering one reader a Broadband from BT connection for the rest of the student year, together with a BT Wireless Network 1250. All you have to do is answer this really easy question: How much does BT Yahoo! Broadband cost (with Direct Debit)? Enter in the usual way

BT Terms and Conditions: 1. The winner must have a residential BT line or similar.

2. The free prize draw is open to UK residents aged 18 or over, other than employees of BT, its agencies or their families. Only one entry per person.

3. Offer closes on November 30 2004. No purchase necessary.

4. The winner will be the first entry drawn at random by Gair Rhydd on November 20 2004, and will be notified by telephone on or before January 30 2005.

5. The winner will receive the prizes as set out in the copy above. If the winner does not live in a broadband enabled area they may nominate a family member or friend to receive the nine months subscription to BT Broadband provided they inform BT by February 30 2005.

6. The Promoter’s decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into.

7. The Promoter reserves the right to alter, amend or foreclose the offer without prior notice in the event that unforeseen circumstances make this unavoidable.

8. No cash alternative will be available for the prizes. The Promoter reserves the right to substitute a prize of equivalent or greater value if this is necessary for reasons beyond its control.

9. A list of winners may be obtained by sending a SAE to the Promoter marked 'BT Student / Gair Rhydd Competition', within 28 days of the closing date.

10. The Promoter is British Telecommunications plc, 81 Newgate Street, London, EC1A 7AJ.

Grilled cheese sandwiches IN BETWEEN rushing off to lectures or nipping to the pub for a cheeky pint, there’s hardly time to prepare complicated sit down dinners for you and your housemates. But the Morphy Richards Toast and Grill can help you prepare a wide variety of tasty hot snacks in minutes.

This grill features removable plates which enable it to be used either for toasted sandwiches or as a multi-purpose, ribbed contact grill - ideal for cooking steaks, fish, chicken or grilled vegetables. So you don’t have to be completely unhealthy in your student lifestyle, especially with the handy recipes that come with the grill.

The machine is dedicated to simplicity; the plates have a non-stick coating, are easy to remove using a quick release button and are dishwasher safe. The machine also features recessed side moldings, which help to protect fingers from the heating plates. An automatically controlled thermostat is also installed to ensure your food is cooked perfectly - the perfect thing when you return home, after a drunken night out, with the munchies.

Available from leading stores nationwide, Morphy Richards' Toast and Grill comes with a two-year guarantee and is priced at £24.99. For stockists, call 0870 060 2614 or see www.morphyrichards.com.

Or, you could simply win one here, all you have to do is

answer this really easy question.

Where is Morphy Richards’ Toast and Grill available from?

Enter in the usual way.

Seriously easy OH MALIBU - I swear I was addicted to the stuff in my first year. Well at least I was after an incident with a vodka bottle on a train, that meant that vodka was no longer available to me. I always seem to be writing about my alcohol escapades. Please believe me when I tell you that I don’t drink, that much.

Anyway, it’s time to have some fun people.

Malibu, the Caribbean white rum with coconut, and reggae star Shaggy have teamed up to bring you lucky students two exclusive and fun-filled nights to remember.

On November 24 from 10pm and then again on November 26 from 10pm the Malibu Seriously Easy Going party nights will be coming to the Students’ Union. The Malibu party nights, and the one and only Mr Lover Lover guarantee to bring the Seriously Easy Going spirit of the Caribbean to all partygoers.

At these superb events everyone will be given a VIP pass and a free Malibu & Cranberry on arrival, as well as the chance to win amazing Shaggy prizes if you can prove that you are as ‘smooth’

and easy going as he is. What’s more, the Seriously Easy Going staff will offer students a photo opportunity with Shaggy himself, using the Shaggy photo-board.

So don’t worry about work. Hey, it doesn’t really matter anyway.

To show their dedication to making your life easier, the brilliant people at Malibu are offering you the chance to win a grand. Yes, that’s £1,000.

All you have to do is visit: www.malibueasymoney.com register online and complete the questionnaire.

How easy is that?

To celebrate such a tasty drink, little me at grab! has got my dirty mitts on a bottle of Malibu and a carton of cranberry juice for you to mix in your very own branded jug and share with friends. I have three sets to give away. Simply log on to www.malibueasymoney.com to find the answer the following question: What item can you download from the website to get you in a seriously easy going mood? Enter by emailing me at the above address and remember, be responsible, drink in moderation.

And the Winner is…

Congrats to Alvin Lai and Rebecca Davey, you have won yourself a sparkling new career in the shape of our ultimate Careers Skills guide.

Well done to Kate Kindler. Hope you enjoyed the Radio One gig.

Nice one to Joy Kinnersley who will be going to clwbiforbach this friday for free. I will contact you when your prizes are ready.

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

Page 22

The Jon Snow Photo Casebook EP.2 WEEK 5

Dr. Matthew grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - Alan Fletcher In Aladdin Shock!

Adolescence always ends Dear Dr Matthew As I sit watching countdown and thinking

Jon decides to dig Phil’s coffin up.

Jon knows that Archangel Karl will be able to help - but not before a smoke break, as digging is tiresome.

November 15 2004

about the meaning of life, it hits me. In a few days I will no longer be a teenager. Don't get me wrong, I love having a birthday...all the presents, the drinks bought for you, the random birthday kisses/fondles/shags...but this year there's something troubling me. The end of Teenagedom. I can't help but wonder, as I peer over the fence into my twenties (sob!), that I should be doing something crazy with my last days to mark the end the era that gave me so much fun...so I’m asking you...please (cue puppy dog eyes)... help! You seem older and wiser, err...OK just older then. What words of wisdom can you give me?

Anon Asserting that I am unwise is approximately as unwise as the

wise man that fell off a bridge because he deemed it wise to fly. So don’t. I am wiser than the wisest of Juniper Bushes, and then a bit more, because I’m not a plant. Like your full stops don’t you? Silly pig. Still, I will attempt to help using my powers of helping. Hereafter is a list for you to peruse: a) Climb a mountain holding a hamster, and then throw it off.

After a long descent fraught with perilous drops and soil-erosion, try and find it again.

Difficulty level: 5. b) Drink some wine and sellotape the empty bottle to the wall = modern art. Difficulty level: 1 c) Steal a hedge and plant it.

Difficulty level: 17 d) Get a tattoo of a vag on your vag. Difficulty level: 11 e) Break your legs by jumping off a rollercoaster at optimum tilt. Difficulty level: 9 f) Shave your head, and then attack people with the stubble, shouting "piss" and "lick me!"

Difficulty level: 2 g) Accuse your mother of drop-

ping you, and then sue her for all her possessions (and punch her). Difficulty level: 13 h) Get pregnant, have it thrown in a bin, wait outside for refusecollection, call the bin-men amoral for crushing such things in their Big Trucks and then scream "Infanticide!" when they try to get you arrested. Difficulty level: 25 i) Walk into a library and announce that you are about to embark on a spot of terrorism.

Difficulty level: 3 j) Hold a house party, but leave the gas on, and tell people they’re alright to smoke in the front room. Difficulty level: 31 k) Tell some dead-baby jokes in a post-natal clinic. Difficulty level: 12 l) Telephone a hotel, tell them that you are President Mugabe’s aide and that you intend to stay the night, so could they please throw all residents down the lift shafts.

Happy birthday, Matt

ComePlay with my shotgun Jon hijacks an enormous JCB-type affair to drive Phil’s coffin up Mt. Kennedy. This also requires 5 cigarettes and a cup of tea.

ArchAngel Karl tries his best for his good buddy Phil, using a chainsaw and some other magic things like an X-ray stethoscope. Jon awaits.

Hello Matthew of the Doctor, (what are you pretending to be a doctor of? Just interested as once knew someone who was a doctor of thermoluminescence and now find these things funny.. am only at university so I can be a doctor of phallic symbolism in post-postmodern texts). Sorry, I digress.

Anyway, help needed in general plan for killing everybody; well not everybody just everybody who goes to the horrid cesspit orgy of doom called 'Come Play' and then walks/skips/crawls/stumbles right outside my window at 3am to discuss their exceedingly boring degenerate lives at full volume. Plus, to make this worse, all the men wear the same white shirt with black pseudo checks and all the women are so hideously underdressed both for their size and the time of year that I often feel the need to run outside and give everybody clothes.

Except then that feeling passes and I just want to hurt everybody! WHY do people have to have neverending sagas outside MY house? I thought people had to pass exams to get into university but people who feel the need to talk about their diminishing sex lives, pregnancy scares

and whether standing on your head after sex is a good contraceptive outside of my window can have no brain. Also there is a collective consciousness among the inebriated impotent male species walking up my road to shout 'don't do it love' when I’m smoking out of my window.. Damn it, maybe their animal magnetism and wit is just beyond me but I think not, I just think they should all be shot. I stole trolleys and road cones when I was 14, when it was cool to be a degenerate, but at least I always had vaguely political motivation for my degeneracy. It is no longer cool to be the scum of society.

How can I solve this problem Dr Matthew?

Anon Hello, woman of the night. For your intrepid exploration into the nature of my PhD, I shall grant you: the answer. I am a fully qualified doctor in the field of Eating Bananas And Swearing At Fat People. Otherwise known as being a doctor in the equivalent league as Shipman.

Without the problems of diamorphine and dodgy signatories.

Post-modernism is a symptom of stupid fucking students as well: I’m so glad you’re into post-post-modernism. I assume that means you eat bio

yoghurts and don’t poo – which in my eyes is probably alright.

Anyway, a problem is at hand. I don’t really care, of course, but still…I don’t mind ComePlay, you can have a dance sometimes, and things like that.

Dynamic. The one thing I do mind is when you see a Tough Guy walk in to a doorframe and it CLEARLY hurts, but they pretend it doesn’t. Even though inside it burns and yet, no, Tough Guy Face prevails. So what happens next is that you can’t do much for fashion. You could always lob molotovs at them, but that would result in you getting shot in the face SO, you might like to consider going to bed earlier, wearing some ear muffs, generally ignoring the riots outside. Unless they are real riots, in which case I’ll probably be there with an AK-47 and a motorcycle helmet. Of course, I’d be biffing the rioters about, because rioters are really gay and so is politics.

Point, and express amusement if that makes you feel better.

Just don’t fall out of that window – they might not care too much, what with them doing headstands and still getting 2:1s – because after all university is pointless and doesn’t get you a job.

Matt

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: Phil is alive! Archangel Karl’s magic powers have granted Phil massive arms and Moira Stuart’s hair. BUT Phil doesn’t mind! Phil wins.

The End

Thank you for all emails recieved recently, it’s nice to see the inbox filling itself with destitute prose about the end of the world and all manner of problems preceding such an event. (How scary is gas, by the way? Never mind this terrorism business, GAS is absolutely terrifying!) SO yes, keep the problems rolling in and I’ll keep rolling them around in my brain and then rolling them back out using my rolled-up tongue and may even do something nasty to a housemate with a rolling pin. DO we have one of those chaps? No. Thought not. GRPROBLEMPAGE@CF.AC.UK. Bye now.

I love it when people speak.

Not the whole conversation, but more the little bits you catch when you wander past people, or are simulating rude things with a pencil and a ring binder. My favourites (and these are genuine) have been: "It was the Mexican revolutionaries!" (by Jove, I hate exclamation marks) and "I told the social worker I’d stab her if she touched my kids." So here are some things I’d like to hear people say as they walk past: "Unhand my face!"

"I stepped on this kid once."

"I quite like animals really…" "Prawns?"

"It wasn’t Jesus, I’m sure."

"Show me your kebab then."

"Billy Elliot?"

"Hmm, I’m not into ethnic cleansing really." "…Does that mean I’m gay?"

"So I said no and she bit me."

"Can I ponce your shoes?"

"What a wizard day for a picnic!" "…He went bonkers and ate six crisps."

Stuff like that. And did you know that Karl Kennedy is to appear in a stage production somewhere in the United Kingdom? Not telling you where, you’ll burgle my ticket. Suffice to say, expect an interview: I’ll lick his man-arms if he ventures anywhere near me – my god, the man is a hot bastard. If he isn’t your bag then you’re gay, or horribly stupid, or perhaps even both. Which I assume must be quite traumatizing and may even result in you being eternally sad. Not that being stupid equates to...you know, existentialism and humanitarian crises, but I’m sure as buggery that it contributes something. “Oh but it doesn’t mean anything, just painful woeful existence..” Yeh. Your MUM said that, you spacko.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Face is broken and bloody? 0800-UNLUCKY Karl is going to be licked: 0800-BEWARNED

Lucozade makes you fat?: 0800-FACT Going to miss The Arafat?: 0800-METOO

Five Minute Fun

Page 24

November 15 2004

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

?

The Big Quiz* * Now with 100% RDA of advice on how to retain a dignified persona while using public transport

2. Classic bus etiquette number 57: an elderly lady is attempting to sit in the vacant aisle-side por tion of your seat. You need to alight at the next stop. Do You...

A: Calmly explain your predicament and offer to stand. Bathe in the glor y of pensioners murmuring ‘what a nice young lady/man’?

B: Explain asser tively ‘I ain’t gonna move for no dumb-ass decrepit be-atch’, and attempt to lay across your seat centrefold style?

C: Scream the word ‘NO! SATAN! NO!’ in a disturbing high pitched voice, rocking gently.

1. Your mobile rings (with horrific, kitsch ringtone). Do you...

3. You are male. You are sitting on a train. You have a massive and visible erection. Do you...

A: Answer call and stridently announce that you ‘must change my ringtone, ha ha ha!’ and quietly ponder how well you styled it out?

B: Panic, fumble with phone, run away weeping?

C: Have loud conversation mostly about dull and obvious subjects imaginable, oblivious to how pathetic and offensive you are?

D: Pretend it’s not yours, and then set to silent while no-one else is looking?

A: Think pure and chaste thoughts until the problem subsides?

B: Ignore it, but once off the train chastise yourself and your nether regions with a sharp implement and attend confession?

C: Laugh in an attention seeking manner while pointing to your trouser tent. Ask anyone present in most amiable voice ‘Oi, does yours do this too’?

WOULD YOU RATHER...?

It’s quite simple really, just decide which of the following options would be most preferable.

Oh yeah, the third option is DIE, horribly.

A) Wrestle a tiger B) Wrestle a bear A) Your Dad shaved his legs B) Your Mum didn’t shave hers A) Eat a teaspoon of shit B) Drink a pint of piss A) Endure sadism B) Endure masochism

Annsummers: 1.A, 2.A, 3.A

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Hurrah! This week Five Minute Fun has received the monumental result of an email and a crossword entry.

Praise be. Congratulations to Kate Lee, the winner of last week’s crossword, who would be Tony the Tiger’s celebrity pants “cos he’s grrrrrrreat!”- Much like the gairrrrrrr rhydd I might add. Please collect your curry from the office. Huge thanks too to Thom Gibb for this week’s Big Quiz, which focuses itself on the crucial and very relevant issue of public transport survival (Newsdesk- eat your heart out). To help get you started on the tie breaker, some of my favourite words include wanky, giblets, squelch and fluff. That’s all for this edition. In the immortal words of Travel Sarah - Woo Hee!

Sarah

in the event of a tie . . .

What is your favourite word and why?

Six Degrees of...

1O

2

O

3

O

4O

5

O

6

O

The genius of this feature speaks for itself. Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in.

No prizes are given for being a smartarse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Favourite Word: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: Reese Witherspoon to Luke Wilson (Legally Blonde) to Gwyneth Paltrow (The Royal Tennenbaums) to Brad Pitt (Se7en) to Julia Roberts (The Mexican) to Richard Gere (Pretty Woman).

Television

Novemeber 15 - 21 2004

Page 25

jesusstilllovesuseventhoughwe’refilthysinners@offtohell.co.uk

Your essential guide to this week’s TV Nov 15th-Nov 21st

Dr Strange-Lee: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bombhead

HOT

Bombhead Hollyoaks’ resident loony is having to cope with the death of his Mother, leaving him all alone! Best during his magician phase last year, Bombhead is an actor and a half, and alongside Lee Hunter, the two make the comedy duo of the century!

SOAPS Hollyoaks is officially the bestest, most-goodest programme ever! So good, grammatically-correct superlatives just aren’t enough! Is ANYONE ever gonna find Bombhead’s rotting Mum? Apparently you could hear flies in the background last week - eurgh!

This week Lee gets suspicious about Bombhead’s behaviour but still no one catches a glimse of his festering Mother.

Neighbours is as ridiculous as ever, and gives us not one, but two reasons a day to be cheerful. On Monday, it says here that Max’s gesture touches Lou - FNARR! The filth! Nina, now known to us as Delta Goodrem, reappears and attempts to get Jack back.

Obviously being dumped by Philipousis for Paris Hilton had quite an effect. What? That’s real life? But...Neighbours IS real! No?

You’ll be pleased (or gutted, whatever) to hear TV desk are back to their normal selves this week after a somewhat turbulent seven days of God-fearing and antique collecting. It was jolly fun whilst it lasted, but just wasn’t meant to be. TV Katie was unloyal to Jesus and had a couple of pints of the devil’s juice (Fnarr) on Tuesday, TV John stumbled across Debbie Does Dallas in Blockbuster and got laid on Wednesday, TV Willy destroyed any chance of a priesthood by self-pesting and almost going blind on Saturday, and poor old TV Manners made it to the church on time on Sunday, but was kicked out after telling a pensioner to fucking get out of his cunting seat. So you can’t tell us we didn’t try. Here go the TV Picks of the Week: Faking It (Wed, 10pm, C4) is back! This week sees country boy James Sawyer, an history of art student, leaving sleepy Suffolk on a mission to become a graffiti artist.

Can he ditch the tweed, big-up the bling and become a hip-hop bad boy in four weeks? I love this programme, especially the one when the classically trained cellist had to be a house DJ. Watching Lisa Lashes teaching Sian Evans to make ‘This house is on fire!’ sound like ‘this music is cool’ instead of inciting panic and calls to the fire brigade.

Peter Kay unveiled his new series Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere (Fri, 9.30pm, C4) last week, and it didn’t

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL ITV2’s line-up is better than expected this week, with not one, but two watchable programmes on Tuesday night. Firstly there’s Crocodile Dundee at 8pm starring Paul Hogan. Oh come on, it’s a classic! Almost on a par with Tremors on childhood memory status, but sadly Paul Hogan just doesn’t have the pazang that old Bacon has.

Next, at 10pm, is the repeat of When Jordan met Peter, the vomitinducing vulgarities that go on in titface and Jordan’s lives. Get to see her ugly baby in all his He’s-Not-FatHe’s-Got-A-Disorder glory.

On Wednesday at 10pm on Discovery is True Horror with Anthony Head.

Head, of Buffy fame, examines the history and nature of vampires. Flogging a Dead Horse maybe?

The Royal Tenenbaums (SkyMovies3, 12.35am, Tuesday) is a quirky film directed by Wes Anderson. Gene Hackman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Bill Murray, Luke Wilson and Matt Stiller star in this brilliantly performed story about a gifted but dysfunctional family, reunited by patriarch, Gene Hackman.

fail to please. Max and Paddy get stuck in the middle of nowhere this week when their camper van breaks down. Noddy Holder stars as a repairman with a dodgy garage.

Have to reveal, actually missed this one last week so no intellectual review. Sorry. Why don’t you watch it, and mail me your thoughts. Thanks.

Next pick is a predictable one from TV Desk: X-Factor, ITV1, Sat, 6pm. The superb demise of 2 to Go last week left no tears in my eyes, G4’s rendition of Hit Me Baby One

More Time however, left me sobbing in pain. What on Earth was Louis Walsh thinking? Another bombshell from him was when he pleaded with the audience to vote for 2 to Go by saying ‘This poor guy’s blind for God’s sake!’ Oh dear.

Happy to see a return of 2DTV (Mon, 11pm, ITV1) last week, the animated sketch show that takes the piss out of celebrities and politicians. Last week’s wasn’t as funny as previous times but hopefully it’ll pick up. This week features the Beckhams pondering on the name of their third child. I think Pineapple is a nice name. Then you could start a celebritiy fruit bowl of kids.

And finally, also mentioned under Films is Tremors (Wed, 11.20pm, BBC1) - one of the best films of childhood! Sheep get eaten in the fields, cars are swallowed by huge holes in the ground and people disappear with only entrails left behind.

Fantastic! So many people’s childhood sweetheart Kevin Bacon stars in this, one time, terrifying epic.

Seriously, it scared the shit out of my Barbie pants when I first saw it!

So there we have it kiddies, five delicious treats for you to savour over the coming week. If none of them take your fancy, I guarantee enjoyment from Hollyoaks and Neighbours. Keep watching for progress on the Bombhead situation in the ‘Oaks and the Izzy/Karl/Susan/Darcy malarky in Neighbours. I’m betting on Karl and Susan getting back together. Love and kisses, TV Katie xx mwa xx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban In the third film (out on the 19th on DVD), Harry, Ron and Hermione, return to Hogwarts where they are forced to face escaped prisoner Sirius Black, played by the awesome Gary Oldman. Harry also encounters the soul-sucking Dementors, a werewolf and discovers more about his family.

Not as exciting as the previous two but leading the way for the fourth film which is sure to be another box office hit. J.K Rowling’s sixth book is due to come out next summer I believe, and, although I won’t be one of the lame-arses queueing from midnight to get my filthy mitts on the book, I will probably be there the following day to get it.

Provided this damn degree doesn’t get in the way from important reading. I wonder if Harry and Hermione are gonna shag.

Oh, and someone dies in the next book.

NOT

B o m b h e a d ’s Mum Due to her son’s insanity, the poor woman’s being left to rot in her own home. It’s ok though, she’s still getting meals and has frequent changes of scenery when Bombhead drags her around the house.

Positively minging, get this woman underground now!

SPORT Feel like I should leave the sports bit to the lads but sod it. I know my stuff: Liverpool squad. 1994.

What?! Spain v England (Wed, 8.20pm, BBC1.) Friendly international at Santiago Bernabeu stadium. Haven’t played Spain for three years, or so it says here, so don’t shout if I’m wrong!

FILMS The Mummy Returns (But I Wish She’d Stayed at Home, Wed, 9pm, ITV1), Tremors (woah, giant worms invading America? Life is complete! First ‘warm, fuzzy feelings’ started with Kevin Bacon.

Wed, 11.20pm, BBC1), Trapped (MORE Kevin Bacon, I feel 15 again! Also starring the delicious Stuart Townsend. Fri, 10pm Five),

RADIO Now that Xpress has finished its short but sweet broadcast, what delights, pray tell, can we look forward to this week on the wireless? Well, alas, t’is true my friends that Xpress has stopped its broadcast. So the burning question in this solemn week of radio is What’s Wrong With Gay Math? (Friday, 11am, R4.)

Prorgramme about the Harvey Milk high school in New York, whose pupils are all lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. The students and their teachers all believe that segragating these pupils from the ‘norm’ protects them from the harrassment and violence they’d receive in a conventional high school. What idiocy! I mean, everyone knows ‘maths’ has an ‘s’!

Ken Bruce and Kylie hook up for a chat on (R2, 9.30am, Thurs.) Donny Osmond comes along later too! Extraordinary!

Monday

Page 26

November 15 - 21 2004

khrisnangurumurthy@arrogant.com

fuck off!

9.25 Emmerdale 9.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 1.00 Emmerdale 1.30 Emmerdale.

2.00 Trisha 3.05 Jerry Springer.

3.55 The John Walsh Show 4.45 Sally Jessy Raphael.

Sally and her audience discuss more controversial topics.

5.30 Judge Judy Gash 6.30 Same Bridget, Brand New Diary Gash 7.00 The Planet's Funniest Animals Gasher.

7.30 Champions League Weekly Dull preview programme that enjoys one major advantage over BBC’s Match of the day 2. It is not presented by Brummie titwank Adrian Chiles.

8.00 Airline 8.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp.

9.00 FILM: Another 48 Hrs Some Eddie Murphy guff. Is there another kind of Eddie Murphy film? Saying that Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps was a roar! 10.55 Coronation Street 11.25 Coronation Street. 11.55 The Frank Skinner Show A cunt according to Simon Hattenstone 0.40 World Rally Championship.

The Food Hunter U K Food 10.30am

6:00 James Martin Delicious Garlic 6:30 Chalet Slaves 7:00 Antonio Carluccio’s Southern Italian Feast 7:30 Good Food Live 8:30 Good Food Bites As oppossed to good dogs. Who all go to heaven.9:00 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes Ainsley tosses a Lebanese slaveboy salad.

Lucky thing. 9:30 MasterChef 2000 10:00 TV Dinners 10:30 The Food Hunter Like the Robert de Niro film. Except really. REALLY not. And without the deer.

Obviously. 11.:00 Antonio Carluccio’s Southern Italian Feast 11:30 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 12:00pm Ainsley’s Gourmet Express Takeaway 12:30 Good Food Live 1:30 TV Dinners 2:00 Good Food Bites 2:30 James Martin Delicious Garlic 3:00 MasterChef 2000 3:30 Ainsley’s Gourmet Express Takeaway 4:00 Antonio Carluccio’s Southern Italian Feast Puglia 4:30 Wild and Fresh Nova Scotia Mussels. That sounds like the name of a WWE (not F) wrestler. “Ladies and gentelan, your challenger tonight, Nova Scotia Mussels!!!”

5:00 Chalet Slaves 5:30 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 6:00 Good Food Live 7:00 Good Food Bites 7:30 TV Dinners 8:00 The Food Hunter 8:30 ONE TO WATCH Worrall Thompson Next Generation 9:00 Ainsley’s Gourmet Express Takeaway Harriot. Another irrepresible British TV personality goes to what sounds like a lebab shop and teaches them how not to be a dirty dirty dirty dirty kebab shop. Dirty 9:30 James Martin Delicious Garlic Repeated for the fourth time today. Talking about 4. I bet you’re wondering where the channel of the same name is.

10:00 Good Food Live

19.00 The Planets (Terra Firma) 20.00 The World Quite a broad subject to tackle in a 30 minue programme I’d have thought.

20.30 The Book Show: David Mitchell 21.00 Mind Games Intellectual panel game of puzzles, anagrams and conundrums. Only, and I mean ONLY on BBC4.

21.30 Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History 22.30 Reach for the Stars: Days That Shook the World 23.30 Sir John Sulston Talks to Mark Lawson 00.00 The Atheism Tapes 00.30 Mind Games 01.00 Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History 02.00 The Book Show: David Mitchell I don’t consider myself to be a particualrly stupid person. A stupid person aybe. But not particuarly stupid. But to be (Anne) frank I have no-idea who anyone is on this whole day of BBC4 programming. On a slightly happier note, the sleep deprivation I am currently suffering is not expected to be deadly.

14.30 DIY Dads 15.00 Help Me Rhonda 15.30 House of Dreams 16.30 Dream Holiday 17.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 17.30 Catchphrase 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle Surprisingly reputable Osakan star Takeshi Kitano hosts the best programme on satellite TV. Or cable. Or digital. Whatever.

19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes Including when Annika Rice took one of her challenges a little too far. Crude tart.

19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters This is described as a cult student show. I think it was when it was last broadcast. In 1982.

20.30 Bullseye Here’s Bully with the prizes.......

21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

22.00 The Casino (Exclusive to Challenge) I can assure you it’s not the Scorsese film that Challenge TV have exclusive rights to.

23.00 World Poker Tour (Caribbean Poker Adventure) Pirates and poker. What better?

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woola maloo 06.45 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley (Dippy and the Mud Hole) 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The Save-Ums! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My Fir s t . . . ( C a m p i n g T r i p ) Was with my Uncle Clarence. It’s all a bit hazy. But I do remember camping not being quite what I expected 0 9 . 1 5 R o o b a r b 0 9 . 2 5 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sun set Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright St uff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Boy Meets Boy (It's Raining Gay and Secretly Straight Men) 15.35 Film: "Cagney and Lacey: the Re t u r n " What? no-one told me the female crime fighting team had ever gone away. Ah well. You live, you learn.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 The Crashes that Changed Flying 2 0 . 3 0 F i f t h G e a r SAS Driving special. Surely the SAS are too busy being hard bastard soldiers to drive about in their new Ford Sierras.

21.00 Michael Jackson's M i n d Candy from TV Desk’s proverbial baby. This will make an easy picture me-thinks.

22.00 The Curse of Radio O n e More like: you’re cursed if you listen to Radio 1. And you deserve it too!

23.05 Boxing Academy Current listening. Anyone who read my rubbish ed-op piece will discover my tastes have been monopolised by Mr Bruce Springsteen. A good thing too.

PRIMETIME

6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today: Lorraine Kelly with fashion, showbiz and lifestyle news. Bet this’ll be seven shades of shite great.

9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 10.50 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 The Food Show This is lightweight compared to the offerings on UK Food this week.

3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Miffy and Friends 3.20 Engie Benjy 3.35 Sonic X Another bout of corporate propaganda, as seen on The Simpsons’ Mattel and Snickers Power Hour 4.00 All Grown Up! Fear of Falling 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Karen doesn't want Steve but does Steve want Tracy?

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald Looks at how one Domestic Violence Unit works. Not sure if this is a crack team sent in to commit domestic violence or not. But let’s hope not.

8.30 Coronation Street Charlie's cruel intention to call Shelley's bluff? Rather than snag her muff?

9.00 Lie with Me Ok here goes.

TV Willy is a lovely boy.

Machester United are a caring community focused company, TV Desk are dedicated to informing the public. I love you. You love me. Daily Mail readers are NOT narrow minded bigots. I am myself a Daily Mail reader.

Anymore. No? Oh. Does that mean yes ‘cos it’s a lie?

10.30 ITV News 11.00 2DTV.

P R I M E T I M E

P R I M E T I M E

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Paparazzi 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 New Little Britain 23.00 My Life in Film 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 The Brothel (Service With a Smile) I’ll bet.

01.00 The Brothel (Happy Hooker) 01.30 Paparazzi Behind-the-scenes documentary series about a top paparazzi photo agency.

02.25 Inner Spaces (Janet Street Porter) Does the idea of becoming acquainted with JSP’s inner spaces seriously disturb anyone else? 02.55 Liquid Assets: Duran Duran Has anyone else seen the front of this week’s Radio Times. The News At Ten team dressed up as Le Bon and co. Like StretPorter’s inner spaces, deeply deeply disturbing.

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farting Wood 6:25 Noah's Island 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed 7:05 Tom 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Rubbadubbers 8:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 8:45 Little Robots 9:00 Balamory 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 10:00 Sergeant Stripes 10:10 Yoho Ahoy 10:15 Bob the Builder 10:30 Science Clips 10:40 The Maths Channel 10:50 English Express 11:20 Primary History 11:40 See You, See Me: Skara Brae 12:00pm: See You, See Me: Skara Brae 12:20 Trade Secrets 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Numbertime 1:15 Words and Pictures Plus 1:30 FILM: Hotel Reserve 3:00 Charlie's Wildlife Gardens 3:30 Escape to the Country 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Britain's Best Buildings. 8:00 Mastermind 8:30 University Challenge Magdalene College, Cambridge fights it out with the University of Sheffield. I wonder who’ll win that then? Hopefully Sheffield. I only say that as someone with a dislike for all things cleverer than me.

9:00 Dead Ringers 9:30 The Kumars at No 42 10:00 Monkey Dust 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Top Gear Did anyone watch this last week when the wirey-haired one drove a big dirty Range Rover to the top of a Scottish mountain.

Which acheived what you ask?

Well it definitely proved that Clarkson is a smug little fucker.

Even at 2,000 feet.

Catchphrase Challenge 5.30pm

Your Union

10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Builders Sweat and Tears. 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBeebies: Pui's Explore Monday: Tots TV 3:35 Boo! City at Night. 3:45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 4:05 Mona the Vampire. The Horned Horror 4:20 Tracy Beaker Parties with Pudsey 4:30 Bring It On 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Lou is touched

by Max's unintentionally heartfelt gesture, who’d have thought he enjoyed that special ‘prison visit.’ It does get lonely in there.

6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 7:00 Holiday 2005 Ginny Buckley reports from her home town of Manchester. A programme called Holiday reporting from Manchester.

What next Liverpool being named European City of Culture?

7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce 8:00 EastEnders Billy faces competition as football manager. Kevin Keegan. So it’s not that much competition really.

8:30 Changing Rooms 9:00 Spooks 10:00 BBC News 10:30 Regional News and Weather 10:35 Traffic Cops 11:05 Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time Series that celebrates cock-ups. Including the lack of Channel 4 listings in our TV pages. And John Kerry.

11:35 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross This morning I dreamt my girlfriend was a cat. Odd.

Dead Ringers BBC2 9pm

PRIME-

Boo! BBC1 3.35pm

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6:00 Neighbours 6:30 As Time Goes 7:10 Yes, Minister 7:50 Doctors 8:25 EastEnders 9:00 The Bill 10:00 Holby City 11:00 Casualty 12:00pm Doctors 12:40 EastEnders1:20 Last of the Summer Wine 2:00 Bergerac Not the one with lolly.

Nor is Columbo. Despite my misgivings.Yes, James it is Kojak.

3:00 The Bill 4:00 Holby City 5:00 Casualty 6:00 Bergerac I always thought this was French. Turns out it’s on Guernsey. Much like Strasbourg.

Or IS that French? Who knows?

7:00 Yes, Minister 7:40 Last of the Summer Wine 8:20 As Time Goes By...less people watch Last of The Summer Wine. ‘Cos they all die.

9:00 My Family Improbably successful sitcom starring the improbably successful Robet Lindsey. Go and buy the Seinfeld box-set. It’s much much better.

9:40 My Family 10:20 The Thin Blue Line You’d think a channel called UK Gold, with the back catalogue of the BBC at his disposable could find more ‘gold’ than this dispensable 90s ‘comedy’.

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Tuesday

November 15 - 21 2004

Page 27

ilovebruce@tvwilly.com

9.25 Coronation Street.

Tracy fights dirty with Karen - brilliant!! 9.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael.

11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street. 1.00 Emmerdale 1.30 Airline.

2.00 Trisha 3.05 Jerry Springer. 3.55 The John Walsh Show 4.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.30 Judge Judy 6.50 Ask a Silly Question What is that hole for? Oh. 7.00 Jerry Springer.

7.50 Movies Now. 8.00 FILM: Crocodile Dundee 10.00 When Jordan Met Peter 10.30 I'm a Celeb... Top Ten Tiffs, Tears and Tantrums 11.30 The Frank Skinner Show I watched the original broadcast of the show pissed on December 4th last year.

How is THAT for good memory?

0.20 Baddiel and Skinner 0.50 Jerry Springer.

1.35 David Letterman.

19.00 Reach for the Stars: Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World Rather vague subject matter. This could be about anything from TV Willy’s whisky-porn fetish (don’t ask) to the melting of the polar ice caps. Not that the second one is more important or anything. ‘Cos it’s not you know.

20.30 Jacques Loussier 22.00 Time Shift: British Space Race We had a space race. A race in the sense that we were last and rubbish. And British in the sense that we were last and rubbish.

22.40 To Mars by A-Bomb This sounds highly implausible. Not as implausible as writing eight pages about UKTV Food mind.

God I’m bored. Can’t just kick me out of university already?

23.40 Reach for the Stars: Days That Shook the World Now for a special

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamal oo 06.45 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 0 7. 3 0 P e p p a P i g 0 7 . 3 5 F u n k y Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The Save-Ums! 08.50 B a r n e y 0 9 . 1 0 M y F i r s t . . . ..( L i g h thouse) 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Brain Tea ser 14.35 Boy Meets Boy 15.35 five news 15.40 Film: “B l a c k D e a t h " 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 MacIntyre's Big Sti ng 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI: Crime Scene I nvestigation 22.55 Crime Scene Academy 23.30 Boomtown 00.15 A r r e s t a n d T r i a lI’ve had it up to here --------------------------------------------> with five. They are boring. So in turn I am going to bore you. You smelly little buggers. Right highlights of TV Willy’s week. I went to London yesterday to schmooze with the press. I realised that the vast majority of people who want to get into the media are twats who only want to get in the media so they can say I’m in the media. Plus. Posh people. What utter twats. Seriously bomb them. Bomb their houses.

Especially those that come from Bristol University, have a curly mane and look more pretentious than a suburban family bossing a waiter around in Pizza Express.

And finally. A little ode to the world....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPl RRRRRGGHH. Let me go to sleep. Please.

06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 Soap Addicts 11.00 Bruce's Price Is Right Obviously 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Boot Sale Challenge 14.30 DIY Dads 15.00 Help Me Rhonda 15.30 House of Dreams 16.30 Dream Holiday Home 17.00 Bruce's Price Is Right 17.30 Catchphrase 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

22.00 The Casino 23.00 World Poker Tour Kill me. Pnaaaaaaaaaaaaa -arggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.

8:25 EastEnders 9:00 The Bill 10:00 Holby City 11:00 Casualty 12:00pm: Doctors 12:40 EastEnders 1:20 Last of the Summer Wine 2:00 Bergerac 3:00 The Bill 4:00 Holby City 5:00 Casualty 7:05 ‘Allo ‘Allo!

7:40 Last of the Summer Wine 8:20 As Time Goes By TV Desk becomes more and more fun. Who knows what is going to happen next week? We’ve already had the disappearance of the listings, the loss of the Channel 4 channels. My money is on the implosion of the internet AND TV. Leaving us with little to entertain ourselves with appart from the random musings of myself and the TV gang. What fun awaits.

9:00 Silent Witness 11:25 Absolutely Fabulous 12:05am: Men Behaving Badly 12:40 Silent Witness I really fancy a Tikka Masala. Really badly.

PRIMETIME

6:00am: James Martin Delicious Pork 6:30 Chalet Slaves 7:00 Antonio Carluccio’s Southern Italian Feast 7:30 Good Food Live 8:30 Good Food Bites 9:00 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes ‘Charisma’ is his middle name, and showing you how to cook tasty food quickly is his game.

Don’t think I could beat that if I tried. Like a strong woman. 9:30 MasterChef 2000 10:00 TV Dinners 10:30 The Food Hunter 11:00 Antonio Carluccio’s Southern Italian Feast 11:30 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 12:00pm: Ainsley’s Gourmet Express Brunch 12:30 Good Food Live 1:30 TV Dinners 2:00 Good Food Bites 2:30 James Martin Delicious Pork 3:00 MasterChef 2000 3:30 Ainsley’s Gourmet Express Brunch. 4:00 Antonio Carluccio’s Southern Italian Feast 4:30 Wild and Fresh 5:00 Chalet Slaves 5:30 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes King of the TV chefs Ainsley Harriott, with more non-labour intensive super-duper dishes.

With great recipes for spicy sausages, baked Camembert, and chicken chow mein. Once again I, TV Willy, have been thoroughly outdone.

6:00 Good Food Live 7:00 Good Food Bites 7:30 TV Dinners 8:00 The Food Hunter 8:30 Worrall Thompson Behind Every Great Man SO much gay innuendo. So little time. Life really is too short.

9:00 Ainsley’s Gourmet Express Brunch 9:30 James Martin Delicious Pork 10:00 Good Food Live 11:00 Antonio Carluccio’s Southern Italian Feast Sicily 11:30 TV Dinners TV Desk Dinners more like. In which case Texas BBQ from Domino’s.

PRIMETIME

I

M

E

T

I

M

E

6.00 GMTV 8.35 LK Today: Lorraine Kelly with fashion, showbiz and lifestyle news.

9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 The Food Show 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Miffy and Friends 3.20 Fun Song Factory 3.35 Sonic X 4.00 Jungle Run. 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens.

5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Katie becomes Sadie's pawn in the wedding war. Chloe decides on a late night with Jimmy. Wedding? Porn? Late nights? Pnaaaaaaaaaarr.

7.30 The Ferret 8.00 Package Holiday Undercover 9.00 Lie with Me Right here goes again. Many gair rhydd stafers are competent. The album charts give a reflection of all that is good in current music. Razorlight are an amazing band. The UK train network is both efficient and good value. TV Willy does not have delusions of grandeur. Porn is disgusting and demeaning and I thoroughly dislike it. TV Desk is disgusting and demeaning and I thoroughly dislike it. I didn’t meet Krisnan Guru-Murthy yesterday and he was a really nice bloke. The First World War was fought over soap.

10.30 ITV News 11.00 FILM: The Real Howard Spitz 0.50 CD:UK Hotshots.

1.15 Manic Street Preachers in Profile ....look a lot fatter than they do when you look at them straight on.

R

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 New Little Britain 21.30 My Life in Film Started and ended with my lead role in Pearl Harbour.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 Blood on the Turntable Story of The Sex Pistols. I’ll summarise.

Mclaren, King’s Road, Westwood, Bill Wotsisname, Radio 1, Rotten, Dead, Rubbish, Split, Reunion. Ever get the feeling you’ve been had?

00.00 Brothel (The Lady in Red) “Is dancing with me”. Dear me.

What the hell is BBC3 doing with a programme called the brothel on. I much preferred the name BBC Choice if that’s what it was called. TAf-od Elgan seems to think it is. And we trust him. He’s billngual. A vital skill.

6:00am CBBC: The Animals of Farting Wood 6:25 Noah's Island 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed Let’s hope he’ll be pillaging rather than raping then.7:05 Metalheads Documentary following a group of Slayer fans as they battle the prejudices of ‘the man’. 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cock Little Cock 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Rubbadubbers 8:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 8:45 Little Robots 9:00 Balamory 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 Tweenies.

10:00 Sergeant Stripes 10:10 Yoho Ahoy 10:15 Bob the Builder 10:30 Thinking Skills.

Think About It: Mystery 10:40 The Maths Channel 10:50 Primary Geography. World Environmental Changes: The Sea Longest title EVER. 11:00 Around Scotland. Waterways Environment 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:30pm: Working Lunch 1:00 Numbertime 1:15 Words and Pictures Plus 1:30 FILM: Farewell My Lovely 3:00 Charlie's Wildlife Gardens The less said about c=Charlie Dimmock’s wildlife the better I think. 3:30 Escape to the Country As long as that country is called North Koreea 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal.

6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Shooting Stars 7:30 Zimbabwe: The Food Fix 8:00 Gardens through Time 9:00 Who Do You Think You Are? A no-hope TV Monkey.

10:00 The Smoking Room10:30 Newsnight 11:20 FILM: Leon the Pig Farmer My eyes are burning. The out of date contact lens solution may explian that.

Leon the cocking pig farmer?

As Time Goes By UK Gold 8.30pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Critical Condition 10:00 Homes under the Hammer Homes run strictly

by West Ham manager Alan Pardew. 11:00 Builders Sweat and Tears Two words you never want to hear together, builder + sweat. 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly 12:00 Cash in the Attic Who put it there? The twatting Borrowers? 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours.

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBeebies: Sid's Fix It Tuesday: Bob the Builder 3:35 Little Robots 3:45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids Did they have kids with seperate partners or together. If the latter, you have to wonder about the message the BBC is trying to send out with this one. 4:05 Mona the Vampire.

4:20 Tracy Beaker Parties with Pudsey 4:35 SMart 5:00 Shoebox Zoo 5:25 Newsround.

5:35 Neighbours Steph comes to a decision about taking a fertility test. She’s gonna have her cake and eat it. Make of that what you will readers.

6:30 Regional News 7:00 Watchdog 7:30 EastEnders Tommy has a proposition for Chrissie.

She has to eat off that you dirty sod.

8:00 Holby City 9:00 Space Odyssey: Voyage to the Planets 10:00 BBC News 10:30 Regional News and Weather 10:35 Someone to Watch Over Me This week I have defended Bruce. Next week U2.

Watch out MOR bashers. That includes you TV John. Anyway aren’t you one of the passport photos on Travis’ first album?

11:15 FILM: Rambo: First Blood 12:50am: Sign Zone: See Hear What?

Delicious Pork UK Food 2.30pm

Metalheads BBC2 7.05am

P

Tom and Jerry Kids BBc1 3.45pm

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Wednesday

Page 28

November 15 - 21 2004

yeswechosetowriteaboutUKTVFoodthemostbecauseitwasthemostridiculous@shootingourselvesinthefoot.com

9.25 Coronation Street. 9.55 Emmerdale. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael.

11.10 Judge Judy. 12.30 Coronation Street. 1.00 Emmerdale. 1.30 Airline. 2.00 Trisha. 3.05 Jerry Springer.

3.50 The John Walsh Show.

4.40 Sally Jessy Raphael.

5.55 Movies Now. 6.05 The X Factor. 7.15 The X Factor Result. 8.00 I'm a Celeb... Top Ten Tiffs, Tears and Tantrums. Having not really bothered to watch any of these I’m Celebrity programs, in that nothing really ever seems to happen apart from someone eats a giant bug and everyone makes mountains out of molehills regarding celebrity love affairs.

The winner ultimately presents a television clips show on ITV1 about animals doing funny things. Sex. 9.00 Holiday Showdown. 10.00 Coronation Street. 10.30 I'm a Celeb... Top Ten Trials. 11.30 The Frank Skinner Show.

0.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned. 1.00 Jerry Springer.

1.35 Late Show with David Letterman.

2.20 Teleshopping.

19.00 Reputations Uri Gagarin. An interesting man, whose name everone knows, but bugger all else. Apparently he was a raving alcoholic slag of a recluse and despite conquering the earths atmosphere at godknows mph, managed to die in an air crash. Unlucky!

20.00 The World 20.30 Family Ties 21.00 Malaria: Fever Road 22.20 Arrested Development Tv Manners just asked “Was Leonard Cohen the guy who played Spock in Star Trek?”

22.45 The Mark Steel Lecture Leftie “comic” Mark Steel who’s basically a crap Mark Thomas (god that’s SUCH a lazy comparison, but I couldn’t care less) gives a lecture about LDV himself. Watch and learn in an unrivalled for tedium situation as Da vinci is unearthed by the retired bricklaying prat twaddling on before your eyes.

23.00 Reputations 02.05 Family Ties 02.35 Malaria: Fever Road Monumentally morbid and depressing documentary about death and family. Grab your popcorn.

6:00am: James Martin Delicious 6:30 Chefs at Sea with Ed Baines Cannes. 7:00 Floyd’s American Pie 7:30 Good Food Live 8:30 Good Food Bites 9:30 MasterChef 2000 10:00 TV Dinners 10:30 David Rocco’s Dolce Vita 11:00 Floyd’s American Pie 11:30 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 12:00pm: Rick Stein’s Taste of the Sea 12:30 Good Food Live 1:30 TV Dinners 2:00 Good Food Bites 2:30 James Martin Delicious 3:00 MasterChef 2000 3:30 Rick Stein’s Taste of the Sea 4:00 Floyd’s American Pie 4:30 Wild and Fresh Rocky Mountain Cuisine. Former captain of England ice hockey team turned culinary wiz Danny Boome, with more cooking adventures in Canada. In the spectacular Rocky Mountains, handsome Danny and sous chef Ellen McKinney join Brad O’Connor and Dr Terry Church home on the range, where the reindeer and the buffalo roam. Following a lunch of elk burgers, Danny takes over the grill and cooks up buffalo kebabs and sausages.

The obese cock-gobbler.

5:00 Chefs at Sea with Ed Baines Cannes.

5:30 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 6:00 Good Food Live 7:00 Good Food Bites 7:30 TV Dinners: Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall 8:00 David Rocco’s Dolce Vita: I Like the Nightlife.8:30 Rachel’s Favourite Food 9:00 Rick Stein’s Taste of the Sea 9:30 James Martin Delicious 10:00 Good Food Live 11:00 Floyd’s American Pie 11:30 TV Dinners Hugh

06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 Celebrity Addicts 11.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

14.00 Boot Sale Challenge 14.30 DIY Dads 15.00 Help Me Rhonda 15.30 House of Dreams 16.30 Dream Holiday Home 17.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 17.30 Catchphrase 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

22.00 The Casino 23.00 World Poker Tour 01.45 Extreme Endurance

06.00 Su n r i s e 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.45 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 8.35 The Save-Ums! 8.50 Barney 09.10 My First...love affair with a monkey and susequent preference for those with less hair, by Michael “wacko jacko” Jackson 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Boy Meets Boy Gay game show.

15.35 Film: "Kojak: None So Blind" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Egypt Detectives 20.00 Dolphin Murder mysteries 21.00 Film: "A Perfect Murder" 23.10 101 Most Shocking Moments in Entertainment 12.10 Sex and the Settee tgrgrtgrtgrt343 gertert tergerg gpoerkrlkmt;lrme.I don’t have the faintest idea WHY and I’m not certain HOW,but i’ve manged to exclusively ruin channel five even more than the rest of the channels (including the unmissable UKFood) so here’s something else for people to mull over.

Tarkio,Dragonforce,Rhapsody,Paul Westerberg,Mylo,Tom Waits,Billy Joel, The Dears,Bruce Springsteen,Nine Inch Nails,Jimmy Eat World,Jim White,Robyn Hitchcock,The Czars,Roger Waters, John Mellencamp,Dream Theatre,The Castanets,Sum 41,Neko Case,Lone Pine,and M Ward. Get Outta Here!

PRIMETIME

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith. 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today: 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning. 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.00 Today with Des and Mel. Hooooooooray it’s back! And I’m excited! And I’m not a layabout student wanker with nothing better to do than watch daytime TV rather than doing some goddamn work, and say what guys - let’s talk about childrens TV programs, and then go and get laid round the back of the union after Come Play.

What ho! 2.00 I Want That House.2.30 The Food Show.

3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Miffy and Friends. 3.20 Engie Benjy. 3.35 Sonic X. 4.00 All Grown Up! 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 The Bill. 9.00 FILM: The Mummy Returns Testicular sequal to the original godawful trite starring The Rock. Seriously awful Indiana Jones-esque balls-up of a movie which can unequivically kiss my ass.

10.30 ITV News. 11.00 FILM: The Mummy Returns. 0.00 FILM: Killers in the House Yo! Yo! When I say “Mr”, you say “Brghtside” - Mr! ‘(Brightside) Yo - So somebody told me y’all hot fuss man! Yo Killers in the house!”. Etc. 1.30 The Paul O'Grady Show. 2.20 FIVB World Tour Beach

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Little Angels 20.10 Film: "Entrapment" Is this the one with Conners and Kaffryn, where they try and rob a safe on that tall building that has two towers and a bridge in between and then end up hanging and swinging off said building on a collection of fairy lights? If, so... sod this for a game of soldiers 22.00 Bodies 23.00 Paparazzi Is this the one with Jack Doom Goffman and Hitzelsperger Trenchman, where they shoot ladbirds off a sycamore leaf with a peanut shooter and then munch hockey pucks in the afternoon? If so, sod this for a game of soldiers 24.00 Brothel Is this the one with...oh whatever.

24.30 Brothel 01.00 Tower Block If this is what I’m thinking of, and is a docusoap about life in a towerblock, then I resign. There is NO future in television. 01.55 Casino 02.55 Brothel 03.25 Brothel

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood. 6:25 Noah's Island. 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed. Fnarr! They can paddle my longboat anyday, the tufty twat-ticklers. I still like the fact they had those scary heads on the ends of their boats, to frighten their enemies, the nonces.

7:05 Metalheads. 7:30 Raven.

7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Rubbadubbers.8:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox. 8:45 Little Robots. 9:00 Balamory. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. Yawn yawn obvious Mo Mowlem joke, blah blah. 9:40 Tweenies. 10:00 Sergeant Stripes. 10:10 Yoho Ahoy: Jigsaw. 10:15 Bob the Builder. 10:30 FILM: Twice Two. (1933) 10:50 Trade Secrets. Pssst... can’t find the TV listings? illegally obtain some more, use Challenge TV because Channel 4’s too expensive, talk about music instead, and Bob’s your filthy chain smoking uncle.11:00 The Daily Politics.

1:00pm: Birding with Bill Oddie.

1:30 Working Lunch.

2:00 FILM: Split Second. You can afford to miss this one.

3:30 Escape to the Country.

4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal.

6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 7:00 The Mighty Boosh.

7:30 Mark Thatcher and the Dogs of War. 8:00 Full on Food.

9:00 Bodies Max Beesely stars in this bolshed attempt at serious drama.

10:00 Arrested Development.

10:20 The Planets - Brief Encounters. 10:30 Newsnight.11:20 Titanic Town.

2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Intermediate English/ Modern Studies. 4:00 Blast.

Boy Meets Boy five 14.35

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Critical Condition. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer.

11:00 Builders Sweat and Tears. See what they did there “builders”, sounds a bit like “blood” doesn’t it? 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly.

12:00pm: Cash in the Attic.

1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather.

1:40 Neighbours. 2:05 Doctors.

2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Chris' Sing-a-Long Wednesday: With Chris Rea. Tweenies. 3:45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids.

4:05 New Scooby and Scrappy Show. 4:20 Tracy Beaker Parties with Pudsey. Urgh. Good cause, awful entertainment.

4:30 The Fairly Odd Parents.

5:00 Blue Peter. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News. 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Bargain Hunt.

7:30 Only Fools and Horses. The Van Nistelrooy family tree, in depth.

8:20 Match of the Day Live. Spain v England. David “Feck ‘em” Beckham on the sidelines, all the Manchester United and Arsenal players basically in freefall, are we going to win? Almost certainly not, but since nobody gives two basic, non-commital sympathy fucks about friendlies (unless we lose to Australia and they rub it in our faces).

10:45 BBC News. 11:15 Regional News and Weather.

11:20 FILM: Tremors Laughable giant worm themed horror, which is fun for about five seconds.

Much like The Grudge, in that respect.12:55am: Sign Zone: Bank of Mum and Dad. 1:55 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms.

2:25 Joins BBC News 24.

Killers in the House ITV1 12midnight

P R I M E T I M E

Rick Stein UKTV Food 3.30pm

Film: Tremors BBC1 11.20pm

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6:00am: Neighbours 6:30 As Time Goes By 7:10 Are You Being Served? 7:50 Doctors 8:25 EastEnders 9:00 The Bill 10:00 Holby City 11:00 Casualty 12:00pm: Doctors Relations.

12:40 EastEnders 1:20 Last of the Summer Wine 2:00 Bergerac When Did You Last See Your Father? 3:00 The Bill Push It. 4:00 Holby City Hearts and Minds. 5:00 Casualty 6:00 Bergerac 7:00 Are You Being Served?

7:40 Last of the Summer Wine 8:20 As Time Goes By 9:00 Only Fools and Horses 10:05 Porridge 10:45 Open All Hours 11:25 Only Fools and Horses 12:25am: Porridge 1:00 Open All Hours 1:40 Auf Wiedersehen, Pet 2:55 The Bill 4:00 Where the Heart Is 5:00 As Time Goes By 5:35 Neighbours Jeesus, this is before Drew and Libby even got together, so it shouldn’t be long until his untimely death from the back end of a horse. Which was one of the most heartbreaking, surreal and ultimate suspicious episode in Neighbours history.

There was something fishy.

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Thursday

November 15 - 21 2004

Page 29

maybeoneday@dreamonpseudojournalist.org

...so much information in fact that I can fill entire TV pages without ever revealing what’s on the telly. What a skill! Sadly it’s a non-transferable skill, which will be of no use on my CV. Arse.

9.25 Coronation Street. 9.55 Emmerdale.

10.25 Sally Jessy 11.10 Judge Judy. 12.30 Coronation Street.

1.00 Emmerdale. 1.30 Airline.

2.00 Trisha. Ah wow, just found out who’s turning on Cardiff’s splendid Christmas lights. You’ll have to guess. There are lots of them. They’re at the forefront of hip-hop. You won’t be able to distinguish between them and the rogues of Cardiff. Yeah, it’s Blazin’ Squad.

3.05 Jerry Springer.

3.55 The John Walsh Show.

4.40 Sally Jessy Raphael.

5.30 Judge Judy.

6.55 The Block Australia. 7.50 Movies Now. 8.00 I'm a Celeb... Top Ten Trials. 9.00 FILM: The Edge.

11.20 I'm a Celeb... Top Ten Funny Moments. 0.20 Jerry Springer.

1.05 Late Show with David Letterman.

1.55 The John Walsh Show.

PRIMETIME

6.00 GMTV. (Widescreen) 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith. 7.00 GMTV Today: 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning.

1.00 Today with Des and Mel. 2.00 I Want That House.2.30 The Food Show.

3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Miffy and Friends.

3.20 Fun Song Factory. 4.00 Play the Game.

4.30 Barking! The Big Sausage Fnarr! What’s this? Gotta tune in for this one, anything for a big sausage baby! 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV1 Wales 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale. Patty eats Gloria’s pansies and Geoff’s member gets hot.

7.30 Stage by Stage.

8.00 The Bill.

9.00 Holiday Showdown.

10.00 The Frank Skinner Show.

10.30 ITV News.

11.00 The Frank Skinner Show.

11.35 Soccer Night.

0.05 The Guest List.

0.30 Cliff Richard's Orange Playlist. Good God, why would we want to hear Cliff’s favourite songs? This is Desert Island Disks stuff, surely? 0.55 Wolf Lake. 1.40 ITV at Reading 2004. Matt Brown and Sarah Cawood introduce performances from the White Stripes, the Streets, Razorlight, Lost Prophets and the Distillers. I really like the Distillers, when are they gonna play Cardiff? Or the UK for that matter. They’re lazier than the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

2.30 Strictly Soho.

2.55 CD:UK Hotshots. g the videos deemed too risky for 3.20 Cybernet.

3.45 Grounded for Life. 4.10 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

19.00 The Planets I can see your Uranus 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister 21.00 Malaria: The Vaccine Challenge BBC4 take two publcity hungry celbrities and set them loose in the jungle with one challenge: Be the first to get malaria!

22.30 What Leonard Cohen Did for Me Well he started with a nice massage, then shined my shoes. Then he write a lovely little ditty about the way I cook rice. Hallulujah. Bema me up.

And wha-tnot.

23.00 Chuck D - Pop and Politics: Profile 23.30 Malaria: The Vaccine Challenge 01.00 Reach for the Stars: Days That Shook the World Series 02.00 Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History 03.00 What Leonard Cohen Did for Me 03.30 Chuck D - Pop and Politics: Profile I’ll say again. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaar (Rubbish) rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg ghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

6:00am: James Martin Delicious 6:30 Chefs at Sea with Ed Baines Livorno. Four amateur chefs get lucky and join Ed Baines for a culinary tour of the Mediterranean. Ed is up at dawn, poor thing, to prepare zabaglione for his crew. Then there’s a shopping trip to buy cheese and wine to accompany spiedinos - Italian scallop kebabs. Oi Oi. 7:00 Floyd’s American Pie 7:30 Good Food Live 9:00 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes Ainsley Harriott with more quick and easy dishes for those in a hurry.

9:30 Food and Drink 10:00 TV Dinners 10:30 David Rocco’s Dolce Vita 11:00 Floyd’s American Pie 11:30 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 12:00pm: Rick Stein’s Taste of the Sea 12:30 Good Food Live Jeni Whether you love to cook or simply enjoy eating good food, this is the show for you.

1:30 TV Dinners A couple celebrate the Chinese Moon Festival with an eight-course feast, and a Southampton couple mark the Battle of Trafalgar anniversary with a dinner party for 12 friends!!

2:00 Good Food Bites 2:30 James Martin Delicious 3:00 Food and Drink 3:30 Rick Stein’s Taste of the Sea 4:00 Floyd’s American Pie 4:30 Wild and Fresh , 5:00 Chefs at Sea with Ed Baines 5:30 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 6:00 Good Food Live 7:00 Good Food Bites 7:30 TV Dinners 8:00 David Rocco’s Dolce Vita 8:30 Rachel’s Favourite Food 9:00 Rick Stein’s Taste of the Sea 9:30 James Martin Delicious 10:00 Good Food Live 11:00 Floyd’s American Pie in

07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 Soap Addict 11.00 Bruce's Price Is Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Boot Sale Challenge 14.30 DIY Dads 15.00 Help Me Rhonda15.30 House of Dreams 16.30 Dream Holiday Home 17.00 Bruce's Price Is Right 17.30 Catchphrase 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? I have a nice warm bed at home being filled by my lovely girlfriend, yet I am here making up programme descriptions for Challenge TV. I do wonder sometimes.

22.00 The Casino 23.00 World Poker Tour Poker here, poker there, poker everybloody where. Including there.

Yes, there.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy throws down the gauntlet and invites all his special friends for a huge party bash in toyland.

The cast of My Little Pony and the Care Bears join in to really get the entertainment going.

The merriment continues long into the night and everyone invited has a thoroughly enjoyable evening. 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life That of TV Desk 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.05 five news update 13.10 The Chart 13.40 Pop City Live 17.40 FILM: The Parent Trap With Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson. (Comedy, 1998) *** 20.00 Britain's Worst...

Mother-in-Law The moral of this fantastic insight into the life of another worthwhile human being, is to never judge a mother by her cover. She’s really a lovely person but so misunderstood. I’d love to meet her and gain valuable life experience from the depths of her knowledge.

21.00 FILM: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines With Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nick Stahl. (Science Fiction, 2003) *** 23.05 He's Back... The Terminator Story 00.10 Seniors Golf: San Remo Masters 01.00 NFL Live: New England Patriots v Buffalo Bills 04.45 Argentinian Football

P R I M E T I M E

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three Another cock up with TV listings this week. Bugger.

Speaking of which, here’s an awesome little fact for you to devour. Did you know that in Papau New Guinea, they used to trade with Englishmen, back in the old days. Because different languages were spoken, they created a creole of limited words and verbs in order to communicate. The Papau New Guineans (?) picked up certain English words, one of which was ‘baggarap’ which means accident.

How cool?! I’m a veritable dustbin of information....

19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Who Rules the Roost?

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Not Under My Roof 23.25 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 23.55 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 24.25 Brothel 24.55 Brothel 01.25 Who Rules the Roost?

02.20 Not Under My Roof 03.20 Body Hits (Face Value) 03.50 Close

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood. Awww, is this still on? Such a cute programme! Except for that irritating cockney weasel. 6:25 Noah's Island. Much Ado about Vultures. 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed. 7:05 Metalheads.

7:30 Raven. 7:55 Newsround.

8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Rubbadubbers. 8:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox. In the Balance.

8:45 Little Robots. 9:00 Balamory. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 Tweenies. 10:00 Sergeant Stripes. 10:10 Yoho Ahoy. 10:15 Bob the Builder.

(Followed by CBeebies Birthdays) 10:30 Emotional Literacy. Working Together.

10:40 The Maths Channel.

10:55 Watch. 11:10 Ancient Greece. 11:30 The Daily Politics. 12:30pm: Working Lunch. 1:10 FILM: Cornered.

(1945) 2:50 The Flying Gardener. 3:00 Charlie's Wildlife Gardens. 3:30 Escape to the Country. 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link. Check out Anne’s hair at the mo, it’s unbeatable!

6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal.

6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 7:00 The Culture Show.

8:00 Natural World.

8:50 Deer Diary.

9:00 Edge of Life: Who Should Get the Transplant.

June Sarpong should:of her face.

10:00 Neighbours on Patrol. What’s this? Harold Bishop with his Salvation Army gang, roaming the streets of Bristol? Cool!

10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 The Culture Show. 12:20am: FILM: Eloge de l'Amour. (Digital Widescreen) (2001) 2:00 BBC Learning Zone 4:00 GCSE Bitesize Revision: Maths 2 dum de dum dum doo de doo da day

Cliffʼ’s Playlist 12.30am ITV1

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. (Followed by the National Lottery Daily Play) 9:15 Critical Condition. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer.

11:00 Builders Sweat and Tears. 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly. 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.

Steph and Max are shocked by the results of their fertility tests: they’re fertile, have being using the wrong hole all this time.

Jack receives a surprise visitor spoil it for you, it’s Delta Goodrem, back from being Born to Try. Lana invents a crush on Boyd. Why invent a crush? Real ones are more fun. 2:05 Doctors.2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Sue's Make and Do Thursday: Big Cook Little Cook.

3:45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids. 4:05 Mona the Vampire.

Flutopia. 4:20 Tracy Beaker Parties with Pudsey. 4:35 SMart. 5:00 I Dream. Of getting out of here and filling my belly with leftover food. Mmmm.5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News.

6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather.

7:00 Wildlife on One. 7:30 EastEnders.

8:00 Truants.

8:30 Too Close for Comfort.

9:00 Blackpool.

10:00 BBC News.

10:30 Regional News and Weather.

10:35 Question Time. Featuring Greg Dyke as pannelist. Oooh.

11:35 This Week. 12:20am: FILM: On the Edge of Innocence. (1997) 1:55 Sign Zone: Watchdog.2:25 Sign Zone: Panorama. 3:15 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow.

4:05 Joins BBC News 24.

The Big Sausage 4.30pm ITV1

PRIMETIME

Houses Behaving Deer Diary 8.50pm Badly 11.30am BBC1 BBC2

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7:50 Doctors 8:25 EastEnders 9:00 The Bill 10:00 Holby City 11:00 Casualty 12:00pm: Doctors 12:40 EastEnders 1:20 Last of the Summer Wine 2:00 Bergerac 3:00 The Bill 4:00 Holby City 5:00 Casualty The emotions of a patient’s wife force Lara to confront her own feelings about Patrick in the long-running medical drama. She does like it, and putting it in there isn’t going to hurt anyone. She doesn’t think.

6:00 Bergerac 7:00 Dad’s Army 7:40 Last of the Summer Wine Who’s that Bloke with Nora Batty then? Not sure, but I give him about three years before he goes the way of Cleggy et al.

8:20 As Time Goes By 9:00 The Royle Family 9:40 The Royle Family 10:20 Gimme Gimme Gimme 11:00 Blackadder Goes Forth 11:40 The Royle Family 12:20am: The Royle Family 1:00 Gimme Gimme Gimme To remove the onion sized-chip from poor TV Willy’s shoulder.

Just looked at some old TV pages. The words ‘superior’ and ‘infinitely’ spring to mind.

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Friday

Page 30

November 15 - 21 2004

cohen@nemoy.com

9.25 Coronation Street 9.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy How does she still have a job when she sits in a mock courtroom and pretends to make key decisions to inbred hillbillys. Only in the USA. 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale. 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The John Walsh Show 16.40 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.30 Judge Judy 18.45 Movies Now 19.00 Cliff Richard's Orange Playlist I’m sure this will be worthwhile coming from the fool who stands up at a rained off Wimbledon and starts singing. That sounds like something McFly would do,or Rooster. Let’s hope they choke on their copious amounts of hairgel/spray. 19.30 The Planet's Funniest Animals 20.00 I'm a Celeb... Top Ten Funny Moments 21.00 Get Me Out of Here! I'm Tuffers 22.00 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 23.00 Coronation Street.

23.30 The Frank Skinner Show 0.20 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 1.15 Jerry Springer 1.50 Late Show with David Letterman

19.00 The Atheism Tapes 19.30 The DVD Collection 20.00 The World 20.30 What Leonard Cohen Did for Me Well I thought he did a good job in Star Trek as Mr Spock and evidently he can write cool chunes too. Well he’s a legend in my eyes. 21.00 Sam Cooke: Legend 22.00 Sounds of the Sixties 22.30 QI Has anyoe watched this ‘intellectual’ comedy yet? It’s way out of my league much like watching university challenge and answering one starter question throughout the entire show. Cardiff would clearly fare well in this sort of show, 23.00 The Mark Steel Lecture 23.30 Film:Pandaemonium (2000, Drama) 01.30 What Leonard Cohen Did for Me 02.00 The DVD Collection 02.30 The Mark Steel Lecture 03.00 Mind Games 03.30 The DVD Collection Evidently a family from Cardiff are in Wife Swap in the next few weeks and they have 14 children! She must be like a log flume - kiddies just shooting out every other weekend. USE A FUCKING CONDOM YOU SKANK. I present the Queen of Chavs 04.00 Close

06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 Celebrity Addicts 11.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Boot Sale Challenge 14.30 DIY Dads 15.00 Help Me Rhonda 15.30 House of Dreams 16.30 Dream Holiday Home 17.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 17.30 Catchphrase 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye Superb! This is back on TV! ‘You’ve got the time it takes the board to revolve...’

21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 22.00 The Casino 23.00 World Poker Tour 24.45 World Poker Tour 02.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 03.00 The Crystal Maze 04.00 100 Per Cent 04.30 Family Fortunes 05.00 Wheel of Fortune 05.30 Teleshopping

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.45 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The Save -Ums! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First... 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff Since when did they change the time of this show?! I used to watch this religiously last year. Matt Wright clearly has his pick of the girls in the booth. Dirty wench.

10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Property Dreams 15.35 five news update 15.40 Film: The Pilot's Wife(2001, Mystery) 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 House Doctor: Ann's Top Ten! Abi ‘I’ll do anything sexual to further my career’ Titmus reveals all, as she recounts her days as a nurse in the wards. She claims blowjobs actually speeded up the recovery of patients. Update the NHS methinks? I know she’s a dirty hooker but you know you would...even the lovely ladies amongst you. Oh come on!

20.00 Hot Property 20.25 HouseBusters 21.00 House Doctor: Design s for Living 22.00 Film: Trapped (Premiere) (2002, Thriller) 0.10 Film: Lying Eyes (1996, Thriller)01.40 Film: Blackwater Tr ail(1995, Drama) 03.20 The Love Boat 04.05 Russell Grant's Postc ards 04.20 Russell Grant's Postca rds 04.25 Melrose Place 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons a nd Daughters An interesting look into the world of Hereford and the close relationship between siblings. The children come out with big heads and claw-like hands.

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6:00am: James Martin Delicious Sea Fish 6:30 Chalet Slaves 7:00 Ken Hom 7:30 Good Food Live 8:30 Good Food Bites 9:00 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 9:30 MasterChef 2000 10:00 TV Dinners 10:30 The Food Hunter 11:00 Ken Hom 11:30 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 12:00 Ainsley’s Gourmet Express 2 Wagon Meals 12:30 Good Food Live 13:30 TV Dinners 14:00 Good Food Bites 14:30 James Martin Delicious Sea Fish 15:00 MasterChef 2000 15:30 Ainsley’s Gourmet Express 2 Wagon Meals 16:00 Ken Hom Travels with a Hot Wok 16:30 Wild and Fresh 17:00 Chalet Slaves 17:30 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 18:00 Good Food Live 19:00 Good Food Bites 19:30 TV Dinners 20:00 The Food Hunter 20:30 Worrall Thompson Some fat guy with a ginger beard cooks up a storm. He shares a strange relationship with Robin Cook.

21:00 Ainsley’s Gourmet Express 2 Wagon Meals 21:30 James Martin Delicious Sea Fish 22:00 Good Food Live 23:00 Ken Hom 23:30 TV Dinners 12:00 Ainsley’s Meals in Minutes 12:30 The Food Hunter 1:00 Close 5:00 Good Food Bites 5:30 Just for Starters Well I hope you all enjoy this weeks gourmet listings. Don’t ask me why S4C have been thrown out, well actually it’s pretty self explanatory really...cos they show utter testicular programmes and to top it all off, they show them roughly two months after the rest of the civilised world. It doesn’t help the valley stereotype. Ewe know what I mean! Haha!

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6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 7.00 GMTV Today: 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 I Want That House Then you realise your landlords are complete and utter conmen who try and fleece you for anything and everything. 14.30 The Food Show 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends I received threats from Miffy after last week’s comments about her blowjob prowess. I think I touched a nerve. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Pesky cartoons - think they’re above everything. 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.35 Sonic X The Dam Scam 16.00 Finger Tips 16.20 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 Help! I'm a Teenage Outlaw 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 A Touch of Frost 22.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Crime Secrets 23.35 When Jordan Met Peter I’m guessing this isn’t about F1 team owners Peter Sauber and Eddie Jordan. God, can you imagine how dull that programme would be. It might actually make BBC3 look interesting 0.05 Barry Welsh is Going where? And who is this Barry Welsh? Odd. 0.35 The Frank Skinner Show 1.35 FILM: Mary and Rhoda. (2000, Comedy) 3.05 Entertainment Now! 3.30 Mixmasters

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma To be honest I’m still trying to get over last weeks vain attempt and satirical humour. I can’t not swear for a whole week. It’s just not me...

20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 21.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 22.00 New Little Britain 22.30 Outlaws 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 0.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli This guy is like the David Blaine of the BBC3 world.

He tries to be cool but he does stupid things! The other week he was watching a bloke hanging kg weights from his dick. No joke.

This Chinese guy was fucking insane. I wouldn’t go anywhere near him. Bloody weirdo. 01.00 Outlaws 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Body Hits 03.00 Wedding Stories

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Noah's Island 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed 7:05 Metalheads 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Rubbadubbers 8:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox 8:45 Little Robots. 9:00 Balamory 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Sergeant Stripes 10:10 Yoho Ahoy. Boing 10:15 Bob the Builder 10:30 What? Where? When? Why? 10:45 The Maths Channel.

11:05 Hands Up! The Iron Man: Part 2. 11:20 Primary Geography. Mountains and Coasts: Coastal Landscapes.

11:40 Primary History: Britain Since 1948 12:00 FILM: Below Zero (1930) 12:20 Trade Secrets 12:30 Working Lunch 13:35 The Flying Gardener 13:50 Charlie's Wildlife Gardens 14:20 Racing from Windsor and Exeter 14.25 William Hill Chase (Exeter) 14.40 Crown Wallcoverings Handicap Chase (Windsor) 15.10 Coloroll Hurdle (Windsor) 15.45 Wilman Interiors Handicap Hurdle (Windsor) 16:00 Escape to the Country.

16:30 Ready Steady Cook 17:15 Weakest Link 18:00 Top of the Pops 18:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19:00 Rick Stein's Food Heroes: Another Helping 19:30 Hidden Gardens 20:00 A Year at Kew 20:30 Gardeners' World 21:00 Empire Warriors 22:00 QI 22:30 Newsnight 23:35 Later with Jools Holland 0:40 FILM: Dragstrip Girl 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: 2:30 Myth and Music 3:00 Wide Sargasso 3:30 Picturing the Genders What’s going on? No room for pearls of wisdom here!

Sunset Beach five 10.30am

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Critical Condition 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 Builders Sweat and Tears 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly 12:00 Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 14:40 Neighbours 14:05 Doctors 14:35 Murder, She Wrote 15:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:25 CBeebies: Nicole's Furry Friends Friday: Binka 15:35 The Koala Brothers 15:45 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 16:05 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 16:20 Tracy Beaker Parties with Pudsey 16:30 The Basil Brush Show 17:00 Blue Peter 17:25 Newsround 17:35 Neighbours 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 19:00 Children in Need What a worthwhile televisual feast for tonight. Z-list celebs making complete fools out of themselves for money which, to my knowledge, I’ve never seen the results of. As long as the money isn’t going into BBC3’s coffers because the sooner that’s taken off air the better. Scuzz should be made a terrestrial channel cos it has the best, and most random music videos!

Great!

22:00 BBC News 22:30 Regional News and Weather 22:40 Children in Need I think Girls Aloud are making complete tits out of themselves tonight. Clearly it’s to boost failing record sales. Someone tell me when they actually write an oiginal song and I might give them some time of day.

If I see that Jamelia on another one of these shows I’m gonna shoot the tv.

Trisha What Leonard Cohen did for me BBC4 8.30pm ITV1 9.25am

PRIMETIME

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6:00am: Neighbours Today is a ‘premiere’ from the 1980s. Just cos it hasn’t been on TV for 20 years or so doesn’t mean it automatically becomes a ‘new’ episode. Muppets. 6:35 As Time Goes By 7:15 Doctors 7:55 EastEnders 8:35 The Bill 10:00 Holby City 11:00 Casualty 12:00 Doctors 12:40 EastEnders 13:20 Last of the Summer Wine 14:00 Bergerac 15:00 The Bill 16:20 It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum 16:55 Holby City 18:00 Bergerac 19:00 It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum 19:40 Last of the Summer Wine The sooner they all die, the sooners we’ll be rid of this aged, decrepid wank.

Urgh, that’s a nasty thought. Old semen smells really, really bad or so someone told me... 20:20 As Time Goes By 21:00 Jonathan Creek Is it wrong to actually enjoy this show? It probably is, so of course I’m going to knock it down. Avoid! 22:15 Absolutely Fabulous 23:00 FILM: Boiling Point (1993, Action) 12:40 The Fast Show 1:15 The Fast Show 1:50 The Fast Show 2:25 Weakest Link 3:15 The Bill 4:35 Where the Heart Is 5:30 As Time Goes By

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Saturday

November 15 - 21 2004

Page 31

hohoho@merryfuckingchristmas.net

9.25 Emmerdale Omnibus.

12.15 Coronation Street Secrets: Barmaids 1.20 Airline USA 1.50 Airline USA 2.15 CD:UK. 3.15 Felicity 4.10 It's Good to Be... Christina Aguilera. What, being a undiluted ho-bag with ropes for hair?

Mmmm must be amazing!

4.35 The Planet's Funniest Animals.

4.55 Get Me Out of Here! I'm Tuffers. 5.55 The Xtra Factor: 7.00 Movies Now 7.15 Junior Eurovision Song Contest 2004 Live. 9.30 Movies Now 9.45 The Xtra Factor Result Surely it’s now a foregone clonclusion that C4 are going to run away with the whole show, why watch, apart from to see Tabby up the arrogance, the tepid wanker.

10.15 The Planet's Funniest Animals.

10.45 Abbamania: We Say Thank You for the Music. 11.45 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

0.45 Jerry Springer 1.35 Teleshopping.

3.05 ITV2 Nightscreen.

3.35 Emmerdale

19.00 Sir John Sulston Talks to Mark Lawson 19.30 David Daniels at the Barbican 21.05 Film: "The Princess and the Warrior" 23.15 Sam Cooke: Legend Chairman mumble to himself, Jools Holland presents a documentary about tragic sould singer, and will no doubt be propping up Cooke’s corpse at his piano as an excuse to do more “jazzy bits”.

24.15 The DVD Collection 24.45 Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History 01.45 Chambre Hardman and the Lost City of Liverpool Narrated by John Peel, which should be enough anyway, but this documentary about the “lost” city of Liverpool should be good, in a Kes / my life in a northern town sucks, kind of way 02.15 David Daniels at the Barbican David Daniels once stole a ham sandwich from me at Liverpool St. Station in London. There I was, having a good munch on juicy pink meat, the next minute, I was left empty handed, with a sour taste in my mouth.

08.30 Knightmare 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 Takeshi's Castle 10.30 Takeshi's Castle 11.00 It's a Knockout 12.00 Don't Try This at Home!

13.00 Creative Power Breaking 13.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 14.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 14.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 15.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 15.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 16.00 Going Straight 17.00 I Dare You 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 Creative Power Breaking 19.30 International King of Sports 20.00 Going Straight 21.00 Monkey Business 21.10 US Guinness World Records 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 00.00 International King of Sports 00.30 Takeshi's Castle 01.30 Fort Boyard

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.00 RAD - The Groms Tour America What are the groms?

Are they like the Osbournes?

The Hives? The Territorial Army?

The shits? If you know, write to the email address above.

11.30 Xcalibur 12.00 Beyblade 12.30 Duel Masters 13.00 Combat Club 13.30 The Chart 14.00 Dawson's Creek 14.55 Film: "The Preacher's Wife" 17.15 Film: "Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus" A film for nerds, if ever I saw one.

18.55 Charmed 19.45 five news and sport 20.05 The Dead Zone 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Murder Prevention 23.00 Film: "The Lake" C-movie thriller starring that tart from Baywatch who I think got her norks out in Playboy (what do you mean, “which one?”).

Guest-starring a sinister lake, and some death.

24.45 Law and Order 01.40 Film: "Don't Look behind You" The advice George Michael’s ex gave me 03.10 Film: "Snoop Sisters: The Devil Made Me Do It" Why are some of these films in quotation marks? They look like newspaper headlines. I wonder if this films referring to the sisters of Snoop Dogg, referring to our Calv’ as “The Devil”. Quick, write some rhymes about it!

04.20 The Invaders 05.10 Sons and Daughters

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6:00am: Worrall Thompson 6:30 James Martin: Yorkshire’s Finest 7:00 Safari Chef with Mike Robinson Rusinga.

7:30 Food and Drink 8:00 With Neil Sedaka. Foxy!

8:30 Giorgio Locatelli 9:00 Good Food 10:00 Good Food Bites 10:30 Worrall Thompson Back to the Grill.

11:00 Celebrity Ready Steady 11:30 James Martin: Yorkshire’s Finest Whitby Kippers.

12:00pm: Good Food Live 1:00 James Martin 1:30 Food and Drink 2:00 Sophie Grigson’s Weekends 2:30 Giorgio Locatelli 3:00 Delia Smith’s Winter Collection 3:30 Delia Smith’s Winter Collection This week’s all about soup, which is more or less the only food I consume when I’m at home.

4:00 Delia Smith’s Winter Collection 4:30 Delia Smith’s Winter Collection Seafood in Winter. As disgusting as any other time of year, I imagine 5:00 Delia Smith’s Winter Collection 5:30 Delia Smith’s Winter Collection 6:00 MasterChef 2000 6:30 Food and Drink 7:00 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 7:30 Chalet Slaves 8:00 Giorgio Locatelli 8:30 Raymond Blanc: Friends for Dinner 9:00 Delia Smith’s Winter Collection 9:30 Delia Smith’s Winter 10:00 Delia Smith’s Winter Collection Err the rest of todays UKTV Food programs are mysteriously missing, but let’s just assume that Delia will be stirring up a few puddings and stuffing a turkey’s rump.

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6.00 GMTV. (Widescreen) 6.00 Boohbah. 6.20 Ni Ni's Treehouse. 6.40 Boohbah. 7.05 Diggin'it 9.25 Ministry of Mayhem Stephen, Holly and Michael are joined by McFly. Just for a change, then.

11.30 CD:UK. 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and 12.40 Coronation Street 2.55 The Record of the Year 2004 The Final Countdown Obviously this is going to be won by something off the monumentally awful Westlife record, but who do TV desk think should win: TV Willy and TV John unanimously state “Float On” by Modest Mouse, easily the happiest song ever. TV Manners has his emo hardcore hat on, and plumps for “I’m Not Ok, I Promise” by My Chemical Romance. Tell us what you think (about our amazing taste in music) 3.25 FILM: Space Jam 4.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

5.10 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather.

5.25 Harry Hill's TV Burp.

5.55 With a Little Help From My Friends. 6.55 The X Factor 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.00 The X Factor Result.

9.45 Abbamania 2.1974 Eurovision Song Contest.

With Michelle Hardwick, Will Mellor, Lee Otway, Vickie Gates, Tricia Penrose, Jodi Albert, Carley Stenson, Jane Danson, Wendi Peters, Lucy Benjamin, James Gaddas, Bernie Nolan and Charotte Bellamy. All the big names then.

10.45 ITV News.

11.05 FILM: The Siege.

1.10 FILM: Steal Big, Steal Little. 3.00 CD:UK

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19.00 Little Angels Clinical psychologist Dr Tanya Byron offers bad advice on parenting Germans.

19.30 Film: "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier" William Shatner’s version of “Common People” is one of the best things ever, even if it’s obvious Cpt Kirk has never heard Pulp record in his entire life.

“You wanna LIVE like common people? You wanna DO whatever common people do?” Priceless.

And a lot better than all the sci-fi drivel his life has generally consisted of to date.

21.15 3 Non-Blondes 21.30 Spooks 23.00 Conviction 24.00 Conviction 01.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.00 My Life in Film New sitcom starring Kris “hullo dad” Marshall, of My Family “fame” 02.30 Anna in Wonderland 03.00 Football Magic David Seaman watches several dirty tackles on the edge of his box, then pulls a stud out of his area. Dear God. 03.55 Close

6:00am: Breakfast. (Digital Widescreen) The latest news and weather.

9:00 Weekend 24.

10:00 Saturday Kitchen.

11:30 The Plantsman 12:00pm: See Hear12:45 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross The foppish film git interviews Pierce Brosnan, star of undebatedly bad looking blockbuster, After the Sunset.

1:15 FILM: And Then There Were None 2:50 The Rockford Files 3:40 Monk.4:20 The Return of Sherlock Holmes.

5:15 International Rugby Union.

Wales v New Zealand. 7:25 What the Papers Say. 7:35 Snooker: UK Championship.

9:00 Magic.

10:00 Band Aid: The Record that Rocked the World ....once. Then guffed, and now will bore a new generation with it’s collection of soporific Brit Awards oriented chances.

Live Aid is out on DVD this week, buy that instead. You get to give money to charity without having to buy a Keane record.

11:00 When Rock Ruled the World. Featuring interviews with Alice Cooper, Lemmy from Motorhead, Ozzy Osbourne, Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue, Slash from Guns N' Roses, Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden, and Rob Halford from Judas Priest. TV program of the century. 12:00am: Snooker Extra 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: The Science of Climate.

2:30 A Formidable Foe. 3:00 A Thread of Quicksilver.

3:30 Uncertain Principles.

4:00 The Birth of Liquid Crystals 4:30 Return of the Flying Death. 5:30 Advice: Staying On Course.

Last of The Summer Wine Uk Gold 7.40pm

Your Union

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles.

6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers.

7:00 CBBC: Astro Boy. 7:20 The Mummy.

7:45 Arthur 8:10 Taz-Mania 8:35 The Scooby-Doo Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow. 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday. 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather.

12:10 Football Focus 1:00 Grandstand 4:30 Final Score 5:20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:40 Can't Sing Singers Not being able to sing isn’t exactly a bad thing: for example, Neil Young, Jonothan Donahue, Tom Waits, Jeff Tweedy, Bob Dylan, and to a lesser extent, Danny Macnamara from Embrace, whose career hasn’t exactly floundered because of his inability to sing, although it doesn’t stop Embrace being wack.

6:30 Strictly Come Dancing.

7:35 National Lottery Wright around the World.

8:15 Strictly Come Dancing. 8:40 Casualty 9:30 Billy Connolly's World Tour of New Zealand. Humourless bearded fuckwit scrapes the barrel as he visits New Zealand. Cue shouting: “I’m in Rotorua, the SMULLIEST place on earth. It’s a REAL PONG, I’m telling yee” etc 10:10 BBC News; Weather.

10:30 Match of the Day. 12:00am: FILM: That's Carry On And that’s a cack title for a film. 1:40 Top of the Pops. 2:10 Joins BBC News 24.

So here we are, another week and another screwed up set of TV listings. I hate everyone. I mean, just look at these pages.

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I Dare Yo u Challenge 5pm

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6:00am: Neighbours 6:30 As Time Goes By 7:10 Yes, Minister The Challenge 7:50 Doctors 8:25 EastEnders 9:00 The Bill 10:00 Holby City 11:00 Casualty 12:00pm: Doctors 12:40 EastEnders Sharon confronts Ross about his sly phone calls. Who the hell was Ross?

1:20 Last of the Summer Wine 2:00 Bergerac 3:00 The Bill 4:00 Holby City 5:00 Casualty 6:00 Bergerac 7:00 Yes, Minister 7:40 Last of the Summer Wine 8:20 As Time Goes By 9:00 My Family 9:40 My Family Christmas Special: Sixty Feet Under.10:20 The Thin Blue Line Court in the Act. 11:00 Game On 11:40 My Family 12:20am: My Family Christmas Special 1:00 The Thin Blue Line Haha horrific “comedy” show, Rowan Atkinson’s first post-Blackadder sitcom. Which is a bit like walking out of the gates of heaven and treading in a gigantic turd.

1:40 Game On 2:15 Weakest Link 3:05 The Bill 4:05 Weakest Link 5:00 As Time Goes By

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Sunday

Page 32

November 15 - 21 2004

mincing.alfie@john.co.uk

9.25 CD:UK 10.25 The X Factor 11.35 The X Factor Result 12.15 The Xtra Factor Result 12.50 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.00 Emmerdale Secrets: In-Laws and Outlaws Yeah the secret is that they’re all related. Your mum is your sister and your gran. And is also your dad. And your brother.

19.00 The X Factor 20.05 The X Factor Result all the acts are shite. Oh and they can’t sing. At all. 20.55 Package Holiday Undercover 21.55 Coronation Street 22.30 I'm a Celebrity...

Get Me Out of Here Now! 23.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live Oh what a delight for us...endless repeats of this ridiculous show. Who watches this? In fact I don’t want to know cos it’ll just make me angry. You can fuck off with your z-list ‘celebs’. Guava fisting gorilla bashers. 0.20 The Frank Skinner Show 1.20 Undeclared 1.45 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 2.40 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!

Live No no no! Stop repeating the cheese gratingly awful show!

Leave everyone there! For us!

10.00 Best of Takeshi's Castle 10.30 Extreme Endurance 10.45 Drunken Businessmen 10.50 Best of Takeshi's Castle 11.20 Craig's Sushi TV 11.50 Drunken Businessmen 11.55 Extreme Endurance 12.10 Takeshi's Castle 12.40 Craig's Sushi TV 13.10 Drunken Businessmen 13.15 Takeshi's Castle 13.45 Takeshi's Castle 14.15 Drunken Businessmen 14.20 Extreme Endurance 14.35 Craig's Sushi TV 15.05 Takeshi's Castle 15.35 Drunken Businessmen 15.40 Extreme Endurance 15.55 Takeshi's Castle 16.25 Drunken Businessmen 16.30 Craig's Sushi TV 17.00 Takeshi's Castle 17.30 Craig's Sushi TV 18.00 Best of Takeshi's Castle 19.00 Extreme Endurance 19.15 Craig's Sushi TV 19.45 Drunken Businessmen 19.50 Takeshi's Castle 20.20 Extreme Endurance 20.35 Craig's Sushi TV 21.05 Drunken Businessmen 21.10 Takeshi's Castle 21.40 Extreme Endurance 21.55 Drunken Businessmen 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 0.00 World Poker Tour: Battle of Champions

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcard 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy’s still recovering after last week’s party because he woke up after a long night with one of the care bears. The pink one to be specific. She was still sore as she made the walk of shame home.

Toys these days... 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 The SaveUms! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar Nothing will ever take away the greatness of Pugwall’s Summer. Bring it back!

Vive la revolution! 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Billie, Girl of the Future 11.30 A Different Life 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.10 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 Tim Marlow On the Liverpool Biennial 14.15 Film: "The Scalphunters" (1968, Western) 16.15 Film: "Columbo: Mind over Mayhem" (1974, Crime) 17.40 five news and sport 17.55 Film: Iron Will (1994, Drama) 20.00 Britain's Worst...

Parent An insight into the people interviewed in Chavette Slaves. Anyone who has a burberry cot should have their child adopted. No, really. Take them away.

21.00 Film: The 6th Day, 2000, Science Fiction Film desk managed to get this mixed up with End Of Days so unfortunately Arnie doesn’t utter the immortal line, to the devil himself, ‘go to hell’. Don’t worry, it’s still a crap Arnie film.

23.20 World's Wildest Police Videos 0.15 Seniors Golf 01.00 NFL Live So enjoy 4 hours of the stuff. Great.

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19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 20.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 21.00 Time Shift: British Space Race 21.40 To Mars by A-Bomb I think this is about how good ‘ole Bush wants to bomb planets in our solar system 22.40 Reach for the Stars: Days That Shook the World 23.40 Time Shift: British Space Race What space race? Everytime ‘Europe’ tries to send something upstaris it ends up failing cos they realise that Albanian parts really don’t fit in. 0.20 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth Mr Bush is trying to get there now cos he’s been tipped off Osama is hiding down there. Go for it G.W.B! You twat. 01.20 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 02.20 Reach for the Stars: Days That Shook the World The American election is the topic of today’s show. How that illiterate, inept, dawdling monkey is President again is beyond me.

Are Americans really that stupid? No, come on I need to know. Leaving the planet might be an option now. 03.20 Time Shift: British Space Race 04.00 Close

Babar five 9.00am

6:00am: Beauty and the Feast 6:30 River Cafe Cookbook Puddings 7:00 Nigel Slater’s Real Food Show Chocolate 7:30 Food and Drink 8:00 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 8:30 River Cafe Cookbook Puddings 9:00 Good Food Bites 9:30 Good Food Bites 10:00 MasterChef 2001 10:30 MasterChef 2001 11:00 Worrall Thompson Kew 11:30 Beauty and the Feast 12:00 13:00 Ever Wondered about Food? No, but I am wondering why tv desk have replaced S4C with uktv Food. 13:30 Food and Drink 2 14:00 Nigel Slater’s Real Food Show 14:30 River Cafe Cookbook 15:00 Rhodes around Britain 15:30 Safari Chef 16:00 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 16:30 Nigel Slater’s Real Food Show 17:00 Worrall Thompson Kew 17:30 Chalet Slaves 18:00 MasterChef 2001 18:30 Food and Drink 19:00 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 19:30 Chalet Slaves I swear this show is meant to be called chavette slaves. A look into the grim underworld of the burberry buyers. They’ll all die off eventually...with a little help.

20:00 Ever Wondered about Food?

20:30 Tanner Brothers 21:00 River Cafe Cookbook 21:30 James Martin: Sweet Celebration Cakes Evidently this is ‘one to watch’. Bit crap if you ask me.

22:00 Nigel Slater’s Real Food Show 22:30 James Martin: Sweet Ice Cream 23:00 Ever Wondered about Food? 23:30 James Martin: Sweet Cakes 0:00 Food and Drink 0:30 Worrall Thompson Kew 1:00 Close

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6.00 GMTV News. 6.10 The Sunday Programme 7.30 Diggin'it 8.25 Up on the Roof Including Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Now I do not condone this new anime version cos the original was so much better. If any of you young whippersnappers don’t remember the oldschool show please close the paper and leave it well alone.

You don’t deserve to be here.

9.25 Finger Tips 9.35 Art Attack 10.00 Scary Sleepover 10.30 The Championship 11.15 My Favourite Hymns 12.15 Faultlines 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including News Headlines and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.15 The Junior Eurovision Song Contest 2004 3.55 Oliver Twist 18.00 The Record of the Year 2004 - The Final Countdown Man alive!

Europe have won the whole competition. Air guitars out please...one two three...and the chorus...dow dow dow dal la da da dow...man I’m getting my rawks off.

18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather Regional news round-up.

18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Let’s hope someone dies this year.

That would be original but too much to hope for.

22.30 ITV News 22.45 The South Bank Show The Darkness are on this week so avoid at all costs.

23.45 Not Just On Sunday 0.20 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 2.00 Motorsport UK 2.25 Trisha 3.20 Today with Des and Mel

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19.00 Liquid Assets 20.00 Who Rules the Roost? Well BBC3 don’t that’s for fucking sure! Why don’t they get their act together and try and make some good, new programmes?! Is it that difficult to understand?! Every week it’s the same crappy shows repeated over and over again. Give me back my licence fee BBC monkeys. 21.00 Conviction 22.00 Conviction 23.00 New Little Britain 23.30 Nighty Night 0.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Look this show is NOT funny at all. And repeating it twice makes it even less funny, if that is possible.

Someone shoot the BBC3 programmers. It’ll be doing TV Desk a favour. 01.00 Liquid Assets 02.00 Jerry Hall's Gurus 02.55 Devil's Footpath 03.55 Close This week I’ve been listening to a lot of Nirvina with the imminent release of the Nirvana boxset, coming out next week. I can’t wait! Go and buy it for me now, because I’m poor but must have it. Come on, I write the listings for you every week. I want something back from you!

6:00 CBeebies Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC Looney Tunes 7:05 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 7:30 Smile 10:30 Sunday Style 12:00 Shoebox Zoo 12:25 The Future is Wild Ok it’s really not cos ring nibbler Bush is back in.

Who the fuck voted for him?!

You are going to hell whoever you and it’s ironic because Bush supporters are religious nuts anyway. Haha bitter sweet.

12:50 The Future is Wild 13:15 Wild Scotland 13:25 Sunday Grandstand 1:35 Racing from Aintree 13:50 Sport + 14:05 Racing from Aintree 14:20 Sport + What is this? 4 at the races? 14:35 Racing from Aintree 14:55 Rugby League GB v New Zealand Well shove a pole up my arse and call me a stool, they’re really pulling all the stops out with this afternoon of sport. The BBC have spent their entire budget bringing these quality sports to tv so the least you can do is tune in.

15:30 International Rugby Union England v South Africa Mmm the gentleman’s game really gets me going... 16:15 Snooker: UK Championship 18:50 Britain Goes Wild Revisited 19:30 Every Home Should Have One One of those inflatable chairs with a dildo stickout out. I’ve heard it makes the whole sensation that much sweeter. If anyone is in the know, write to us!

20:00 Top Gear 21:00 Trans Atlantic: The Challenge 22:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 22:30 Match of the Day 2 23:15 Snooker: UK Championship 12:30 Boxing 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners

Chalet Slaves uktv Food 7.30pm

Your Union

6:00am Breakfast 8:10 Match of the Day 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 11:30 Countryfile.

12:30pm The Politics Show 13:30 EastEnders 14:55 The Variety Club Tribute to Esther Rantzen 15:35 The Blue Planet 16:35 Space Odyssey: Voyage to the Planets Now this is actually quite good so you should watch it. All spacey and not patronising. 17:40 Songs of Praise Now this is quite shit so you should switch off or hammer your head against the wall as you watch. The bright lights you see will make everything so much better.

18:15 Last of the Summer Wine Why do the BBC continue to show utter wank on a Sunday? They seem to think the only people who watch tv are religious nutcases and cardigan wearing, slipper munching normans.

Well listen to me, they don’t, so fucking change it.

18:45 Antiques Roadshow It’s rumoured that the Duke, Mr David Dickinson is taking over this show, Ok so I’m making that bit up, but it would be sooooo much more interesting with him presenting. Bit of a bobby dazzler if you ask me.

19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 Monarch of the Glen 21:00 North and South 22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:15 Panorama 22:55 FILM: Body of Evidence (1993) Tense, erotic thriller from the director of Last Exit to Brooklyn What’s going on?!?! Porn on BBC1! I knew everything was gonna turn upside down when C4 started showing the Simpsons. THE WORLD IS TURNING THE WRONG WAY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

The Future Is Wild BBC2 12.25pm

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Body of Evidence BBC1 10.55pm

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! 029 20229977

6:00am: It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum 6:40 Doctor Who Omnibus 8:00 Keeping Up Appearances 8:40 Keeping Up Appearances 9:20 Keeping Up Appearances 10:00 Waiting for God 10:40 Waiting for God 11:20 Waiting for God 12:00pm: Dad’s Army Big Parade 12:40 Dad’s Army Don’t 13:20 Dad’s Army 14:00 Keeping Up Appearances 14:40 Keeping Up Appearances 15:20 Keeping Up Appearances 16:00 Waiting for God 16:40 Waiting for God 17:20 Waiting for God and He’s never gonna come.

Believe it. 18:00 Dad’s Army Big Parade. 18:40 Dad’s Army 19:20 Dad’s Army 20:00 Sex and the Sitcom 23:50 A Very Important Pennis 0:25 A Very Important Pennis 0:55 A Very Important Pennis This was a good show about ten years ago when it was relevant. Good one.

1:30 Porridge A Night In. 2:05 The Day of the Triffids 3:05 Chef! Do the Right Thing and put down the paper and go and walk around outside. It’s better for you. 3:35 Chef! A Diploma of Miseries 4:05 Charlie’s Angels 5:00 It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum 5:35 Neighbours

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Listings

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November 15 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Funk You Very Much Yasser Arafat was never accorded much respect from the British government and unsurprisingly, Tony Blair’s ‘tribute’ following his death avoided talk of him altogether. Thankfully, we are able to honour his memory more appropriately, for we happen to know that he was a great fan of Hammond organ funk...

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Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party... goes Funky! f e a t

Richard Jones Organ Band

@Seren Las, Students’ Union Sun 21st Nov / 7pm / £2

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ollowing on from last weeks ‘Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party …goes Brazilian,’ the Union’s Sunday jazz night, put on by Cardiff Student Jazz Society, gets funky in a low-down, rumbling, Hammond organ kind of fashion.

This is a night which would be ideal for those of you who like to make shapes on the dancefloor at Moloko’s Soul Motion on Tuesdays, to the funk and soul at Cheesy Club at the Welsh Club on a Wednesday, or fondly remember the welsh Club’s short-lived Déjà Vu nights.

Featuring Paul Jones on hammond organ, Richard Jones on guitar, Mark O'Connor on drums (pic-

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tured) and Chris O'Connor on bass, The Richard Jones Organ Band will be playing some unfathomably hip and happening jazzfunk and soul-jazz numbers.

This band is actually an infrequent side-project from their regular material performed under the name, The Jones O'Connor Group.

Which is without doubt one of the most exciting bands on the Welsh music scene today, displaying influences from the best of the forwardlooking contemporary European jazz groups such as Cinematic Orchestra and Jazzanova.

Boasting hugely inventive and compelling originals, and capable

of thoroughly dynamic and driven collective performance, The Jones O’Connor Group were very well received at this year's Brecon Jazz Festival and are sure to be making waves nationally in the near future.

So Uncle Midriff's Jazz Party gets the best of both worlds, this Sunday, with one of the tightest and most inventive working bands in South Wales, playing the kind of 60s era Hammond stormers perfect either to sink back in the sofas and drink to or jump up and shake that moneymaker about to. Word is, a singer will even be joining them on a couple of numbers too, which will be a rare treat.

The Gareth Williams Trio / The Wales Jazz Composers Orchestra @St David’s Hall Tues 16th Nov / 8pm / £8 (NUS)

fully expect this to be one of the jazz gigs of the year in Cardiff. Gareth Williams has dazzled audiences with his virtuoso approach to piano and his talents on vocals and guitar, not least when in the grand company he is accustomed too (Claire Martin, Jim Mullen and US3, to name but a few).

The real treat of the evening though, will be the Wales Jazz Composers Orchestra, an incredible ensemble of the best Welsh and Wales-based jazz musicians and composers, brought together to form an unconventional big

band/orchestra which features two drummers and two double bassists.

The orchestra features a lot of names that crop up regularly on the Cardiff jazz scene but also a few others, most notably, Li Harding and Huw Warren.

Li Harding, who was runner-up on TV’s New Faces 30 years ago, is a singer with a powerful gospeltinged sound and a melodic sense of adventure common to all the great jazz singers. Li (real name Lianne) is an absolute revelation and it boggles the mind that she only sings part-time, i.e. when not running her hotel in Aberystwyth.

Huw Warren, who has worked with Kenny Wheeler, Billy Bragg and Eddi Reader amongst others, is one of the most original voices on the current new music scene.

As a composer and multi-instrumentalist (playing predominantly piano here), his work is difficult to categorise, finding fans and admirers in the worlds of Jazz, New Music and World Music.

If you want an indication of the health of contemporary music in Wales, this is the ideal concert to catch. Visit www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk for further details and booking information.

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Tom Baxter @Barfly

Thurs 18th Nov / 7.30pm / £8.50

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om Baxter appears at The Barfly supported by Paddy Casey. I saw Paddy Casey live in Cardiff last year. A very dear friend of mine is a Sony promo exec so I was called upon to take up space and make Mr Casey look popular.

He played Barfly and treated the Taf to an acoustic set. Frankly, on both occasions, he was pap. I feel quite bad that I encouraged so many people to see him, having lured them with an elusive text: ‘can you meet me in the taf asap?’

Quite a few arrived breathless, under the impression that I’d failed, been dumped/robbed, fallen ill, etc. They were pretty annoyed to find I’d merely summoned them to witness a boring, characterless performer who was clearly less than impressed to be playing the Taf. So don’t bother turning up early enough to catch Paddy Casey’s set.

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That said, make sure you arrive at the barfly in time to see Tom Baxter. Now, I’m making no promises. Everything I have to say about Tom Baxter is based on a 3track promo CD (again, thanks to the lovely Bec) so if he’s crap - and I promise that I’ll be there to witness the event, and if necessary eat my words - please don’t blame me.

Now, this promo disk. Track 1: A bit mainstream but good vocal and nice orchestration. Track 2: A cute and quirky number, you can’t help but smile and wish you were called Jo. Track 3: (where it gets really interesting) A live recording of ‘Half a Man’ which really shows off his amazing vocals.

If Baxter lives up to this epic in Barfly we won’t be dissapointed.

He is extravagant, passionate, painful, and a bit crazed in a tortured artist kind of way. Just how men with guitars should be.

Definitely worth a look.

RAG Week @Large In Cardiff From Fri 19th Nov

AG Week is here! From the 19th to the 26th November Cardiff RAG (Raising And Giving) are pulling out all the stops to raise money for: Cancer Careline, Winston’s Wish and Barnardo’s Cymru.

It kicks off at Lash on Friday, when RAG will be collecting for Children In Need. Don’t be put off by the crazy (and slightly worrying) bear logo, Rag will be providing a bucking bronco to take your mind off it. . . and shake the change out of your pockets perhaps!

The Raggers are decamping on Saturday, off to terrorise the good

people of Bath. But fear not, RAG returns to Cardiff for ‘The Great RAG Pub Quizzes’: not one quiz but two, simultaneously in the Taf and Talybont Social). Questioning has a synchronised start at 8pm and at £1 a head it really is as cheap as chips.

RAG will be giving away great prizes all week long, including such delights as pizza, cinema and concert tickets, film merchandise, and loads more. Look out for the rest of the RAG events on our picks of the week next week – trust them to run it Friday to Friday so that it has to go in two issues.

Listings

November 15 2004

Page 35

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton.

If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. We’re a fickle breed.

Monday15/11

Tuesday16/11

Wednesday17/11

Thursday18/11

Friday19/11

Saturday20/11

Sunday21/11

CinemaWeek

Fun Factory @Solus It’s a factory that makes fun. Free entry with NUS, £3 without.

On the Side @Fun Factory Live bands every week put on by the Live Music Society in the back room of Solus (now the ‘Xpress Lounge’). This week: Yossarian.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge Night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies + Mr Potter. 7-11pm £1 (NUS).

TV is boring @Moloko Live Music, Art, Dj's & Film over 3 floors. Turn off the TV and free your mind. Free entry 6-2am.

New Noise @Metros "Alternative therapy for the musically depressed". New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendry, and almost mythical, double + mixer for 80p. £3 before 11. 9-2am.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform (if you’re early enough) with the house trio. Variable quality of playing/singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm £2 or £1 if you sign up to perform.

Open Mic @The Toucan Brought to you by ‘Circular Music’ Fresh from Camden Town. Hosted by Jeff & Rowan 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Live @Barfly Stray Borders / The Longcut / Victorian English Gentlemen's Club. For an evening of ambience and all out cosmic rock, the Barfly is the place to be. Stary Borders (formally Tetsuo) are ‘purveyors of slow-burning, mathematically-precise alt-rock experiments boasting one of the best live drummers around.’ Interesting. When my boyfriend saw them he said, and I quote, ‘I’ve seen more energy and stage-presence from a dead snail.’ Go and see for yourselves.

7.30pm £4 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Warpath / Along Came Man / Wilcox / The Takeover / DSA. 6.30pm £4. Five bands for £4...Clwb are good to you.

RAG @Lash see facing page for details Full Fat @Moloko Funk, Breakbeats, Hiphop, Motown, Retro Disco + Electro Boogie.

Drinks Promos all night, retro vid's/visuals, regular guest Dj's. free B4 11pm. til 2am.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10pm, £3.50 Chaos @Metros £2.50 b4 10pm Circular Music Gathering @The Toucan A Live Music festival in a club! Featuring Naughty / Jape / Ambient Anarchist / Soda Men / Pink n Ruby. Doors 9pm £5.

Downstairs in the bar - Kris Jenkins and DJ Chaz. Free before 10pm/£3.50 Live @Barfly Tom Baxter See facing page.

SUMO @Clwb Ifor Bach Presenting Evil 9 / Koma & Bones. Tom and Pat Evil have been described as the finest duo in breaks: Tom on the dex, Pat supplying the fx. Koma and Bones are a trio of producers with two full length albums under their belts, 'Blinded

By Science' and 'Shutterspeed'. They've also remixed the likes of New Order, Kosheen and X-Press 2. Residents Chico Fresco and West One will get the party started. 10pm £7 Lulu @St. David’s Hall Back on Track 2004. 8pm £23.50. Oh no, another attempted revival of a career that died for good reason!

Danny the Champion of the World @The Sherman Theatre World premier of Roald Dahl’s heartwarming story, told with music, animation and live drama. Danny lives with his Dad in an old caravan at the back of their petrol station. Fri & Sat 7pm £6 (nus).

Off The Shelf @BSB Max Looker joins Reload & Cakemix to spin a selection of broken beats and tightly syncopated synth handclaps. What this dude doesn't know about face-melting grooves apparently isn't worth knowing. Free before 10pm, £1 after.

Wonderbrass@Riverbank Hotel One of the best loved bands in Wales.

Energetic ska/latin-inflected big band.

Heartily recommended. 9pm £4/£3.

Comedy Club @Seren Las Will Smith & Dan Thomas. I tell you what, Will Smith’s career’s hit the skids a bit. I don’t know - Jazzy Jeff last week, Will Smith this week. We’ll be seeing Carlton Banks in Cardiff next week, busking or something! 811pm £4.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo £1 entry before 11.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50 Circular Music Open Session @The Toucan Unsigned talent, anyone can arrange a spot. House guitar provided! 8pm12.30am- £1 after 9pm Soul Motion @Moloko Moloko’s wildly popular Soul Motion night has the finest resident and special guest DJs playing deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Classic tunes and hidden gems bring out the soul brother or sister in you. 7-2am free.

Film Society @UGC Be afraid, it’s the Blair Witch Project.

Members £2, non-member £3, all welcome.

Sadly, I don’t know the time.

Live @Barfly Eighteen Visions / The Hurt Process / Alison's Op. Having just come off tour with Killswitch Engage, 36 Crazyfists and From Autumn To Ashes, Eighteen Visions take time for a special Kerrang!'s Most Wanted show which promises to lift Barfly off the ground and cast it into metal heaven - a place where the best bits of Deftones, Him and Stone Temple Pilots merge to create a true monster.

How Creative. 7.30 pm £7 adv.

Live @St. David’s Hall (level 3) The Gareth Williams Trio & The Welsh Jazz Composers Orchestra. A Concert Dedicated to the Memory of Jed Williams and his Contribution to the World of Jazz. (See facing page for further details.)

Come Play @Solus Trusty student favourite and a weekly sell-out, Come Play aims for the student mainstream and hits the target every time. The ‘Come Play Girls’ have proved particularly popular and lollipops abound. 9-2am £3.50 adv.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm.

Saturday @Incognito Swiss + pals from the house circuit of wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, Escape. til 2am.

Uberalles @Barfly New club night with the usual indie suspects and the usual sweaty atmosphere.

Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am free with flyer before 10pm/ £4 after.

The Mothership Convention @The Toucan Presents Leighton Jones backed by the Toucan musicians. One of the finest vocal talents ever to emerge from Cardiff! Slammin’ Soul/Funk originals with a sprinkling of rare classics! £5.

And downstairs in the bar - DJ Chaz and Kris Jenkins £3.50/free before 10.30pm Live @Barfly X Is Loaded. With The Verra Cruz + Black Albino Kick Off. Like a conquering army, marching from the Roman ruins of the historic city of Bath, X Is Loaded have arrived, wielding an arsenal of adrenaline rush guitar pop songs, rocket-fuelled energy and determination. 7.30 pm £5 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Bob Delyn ar Ebillion, Alun Tan Lan, Gareth Bonello. 8pm John Martyn @St David’s Hall Scottish songwriter. Supporting the release of his new album ‘On The Cobbles’. From early classics such as the wicked, Solid Air to 2001's triumphant rebirth Glasgow Walker, he has romanced successive generations with his powerfully heartfelt song-writing. An amazing evening is in store as Martyn performs tracks from his back catalogue.8pm £20.

Rubber Duck @Solus 10pm -2am £3.50 on the door/ £3 adv.

Wednesday social @The Barfly Relax and soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm.

All Three Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Cheapskates @Metros Alt & Cheese. 9-2am.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn Bring your music and play it. From 8pm. Free.

ElectroMoloko @Moloko ‘Raunchy Electro’, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem. 8pm-2am Free entry.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ and clubbing society’s new weekly night. The Philly becomes a haven for people into dance music of all kinds and gives members a chance to DJ. Look forward to a combination of lots of different types of dance music from progressive or funky house, to breaks, tecno and hard house. 8 -1am. Free for members/ £1(NUS).

Dungeon’s @The Toucan Rock Club Featuring the best Live Rock Bands and special £1 drinks promotions! Free before 9pm/£2 after. And in the bar...Bread And Butter- New night of Hip Hop and New Beats 10pm £2 free before 10pm.

Live @Barfly Relapse Records Tour feat. Pig Destroyer / Total Fucking Destruction / Halo / Narcosis. Virginian sound nihilists, Pig Destroyer with savage grindcore - intentionally confrontational and thoroughly pummeling.

And they call it entertainment. 7.30pm £7 adv Mike Reid @St. David’s Hall Reid All About It. Eastenders wash-up on a stand-up tour.

Contains adult material (even though its before the watershed). 7.30pm £13 (nus).

Bobby Wellins Quartet & Jack Reilly@Cafe Jazz British jazz legend, saxophonist Bobby Wellins, appears at the cafe for what has been a much anticipated gig. 8.45pm £5 (nus).

To Be Conceived @Riverbank Hotel Leftfield Live Jazz. 9pm £4/£3(NUS).

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party @Seren Las The Union’s weekly jazz venture, presented by the Cardiff Student Jazz Society. 7pm £2.

(See facing page for further details.)

The Great RAG Pub Quizes @The Taf and Talybont Social (See facing page for details.)

Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs' end of the week: a night that takes you where-ever you want to go. So long as it involves nothing but house music.

8-12.30pm, Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Acoustic open mic sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen.

Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas.

8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar Oi, letter of the week lady, check it out - a listing for the MedClub. 8pm.

NO WAX @Moloko Bring your MP3's and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

The Piano Tuner @The New Theatre A new opera by Nigel Osborne and Amanda Holden. Soon to be a major film, The Piano Tuner has been an extraordinarily successful first novel from Daniel Mason. Set at the turn of the century, as Empire crumbles and wars abound, a humble English piano tuner travels to Burma to restore an 1840 Erard grand, little knowing how much his life will change.

As the sights and sounds of Asia entrance him and new love and sensuality is awakened within him, he finds himself exploiting the power of music to create peace.

For the first time Music Theatre Wales will work with musicians from contrasting cultures: the operatic voice of the West and the haunting song of South East Asia, in an evocative new opera which embraces the spiritual and musical worlds of both.

There will be a pre-performance talk at 6.30pm in the Upper Circle bar. Free to ticket holders. 7:30 From £7 (NUS)

AllTurnative @The Toucan Those remarkable folk over at the Live Music Society present Onega Sound System / Pondlife MC’s / DJ Jinxy & MC Shoddy / Blues Attic / & Puneet Shah. Eclectic in the extreme - encompassing hip-hop, drum ’n’ bass, blues, and more! £5/£3.50(nus)/£3 for members of various University Music Societies.The best place to be this Thursday by some margin.

Bar @The Toucan Boomshanka Live Acoustic Soul & Hippy Funk with The Pockets and Chucky Egg–8pm-1am £3/£2 Twisted By Design @The City Arms Alternative 8.30-2am Free.

Judgement Night @Metros £2.50 or less.

Soundbytes @Journeys Live (electronic) performances by local artists. 8pm free.

Uprising @Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska.

Excellent night.10pm. £3.

Devious @Barfly Rock, Metal, Classic, Old School. City’s newest rock night. 10.30-2am £3.

Hospitality @Moloko D:Bridge & High Contrast. If you're in to drum ‘n’ bass, you’ll be here... Free before 11pm 8-2am.

Beta Band @Students’ Union After eight years the Beta Band are calling it a day. They're going out on a high with a farewell tour, joined here by Gisli and Mountain Men Anonymous. £15 After Show Party @Clwb Ifor Bach The Official Beta Band Aftershow Party with Culprit One live. After seeing The Beta Band probably for the last time...ever, raise your spirits by heading to Clwb. 10pm £3.

Terminal @BSB Live sets from Anatomist / Stereo Minus One / and Redfalls. Plus DJ Nicodemus (Jacuzzi Junta) and machine records residents. Look out for free CDs. Live @Barfly The Red October / Detera, Relapse / Splinter / Hidden Agenda. 7 pm £3.

Jan Garbarek @St. David’s Hall Highly original Norwegian saxophonist. Jan Garbarek is one of the key jazz artists of the Impeccable german record label, ECM. His music, incorporates influences from the folk cultures of many countries, including his native Norway. 7:30 £9 (nus)

@Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton / Box Office No: 029 2030 4400

AN ARTS centre that comprises cinema, gallery, theatre, bar, cafe and shop, Chapter is consistently the best place in Cardiff in which to expose yourself to all things creative. Their film showings, ranging from blockbusters to independents to foreign films, is arguably the major attraction. In recognition of their all-round spiffyness we present here a weekly glance at the various filmic curiosities they have on offer.

(Consult www.chapter.org for times)

The Cardiff Screen Festival continues this week at Chapter. We haven’t room to cover it in full but highlights include independent features from America and Europe, a retrospective of Peter Sellers films, as well as the prestigious DM Davies Award - which champions indigenous talent from around Wales. Visit www.chapter.org for full festival details but, picking out one recommendation, check out: Schizo (Fifty - Fifty) Thu 18 Nov/9.30pm/Dir. Guka Ormarova/Khazakstan/90 mins/2004 15 year-old Mustafa is given the nickname ‘Schizo’ by classmates. He doesn’t care.

School is not his favourite place. He prefers to help his mother's boyfriend find bareknuckle fighters for illegal boxing matches.

After recruiting a young man who dies in the ring, he delivers a sum of money to the young man's wife and child. Soon Schizo becomes a part of the family's life, aiming to help them by encouraging his uncle to step back into the ring. Set in Kazakhstan, the film captures the brutality of bare knuckle boxing, whilst depicting the hopeless circumstances of those forced to compete in order to survive.

Dave Pruett, Cardiff Cobras, November 2004

“We get at least 20 scantily-clad cheerleaders at each of our games.”

Sport

BUSA

gair rhydd

Issue 775, 15 November 2004 | Email: grsport@hotmail.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

IMG

Comprehensive coverage of the week’s action

Focus on IMG rugby.

Yes, it does exist

Lack of facilities and coaching causes uproar

Below, 38, 39 and 40

Page 37

Back page

Cobras Blitzed

Exeter squashed

Cardiff 1sts 3 - 2 Exeter 1sts

By Christopher Allen Squash Correspondent

Plymouth Blitz 14 Cardiff Cobras 6

By Dave Pruett and Phil Stark Cobras Correspondents ON A GREAT day for American football, Cardiff Cobras lost out to a strong Plymouth Blitz side in both teams’ first game of the BCAFL season.

On the first possession, Blitz quarterback Nick Woods was picked off by Cardiff’s Andrew Stockley who proceeded to move the ball deep into Plymouth’s half. The Cobras, however, were unable to capitalise thanks to some great Plymouth defending.

This was to become the pattern of the day, with both offences struggling to move the ball against some hard-hitting defence, causing numerous turnover opportunities.

It was going to take something special to open up the game, and late in the first quarter, Blitz punt returner Piggot

AU VICE SPEAKS

By Fraser Watson AU Vice President THIS COMING WEDNESDAY sees the annual AU slave auction, where AU clubs seek to raise money through shameless

MEDICS ANGER

returned the ball 65 yards for the game’s opening score. The two-point conversion attempt failed.

With both teams’ offences struggling to score, a defensive battle ensued until Blitz DB James Wilkins picked off Cobras’ rookie QB James Breese and returned the ball all the way to the fiveyard line, setting up Piggot for his second touchdown of the day, a five-yard reception from Woods. On the two-point conversion, Woods hit WR Walker in the flat for the points. This made the score 14-0 at the halfway stage.

After the half-time break, the defence set the tone for the rest of the game by denying Plymouth any forward progression of the ball, thanks largely to punishing blitzes and tackles by linebackers Sam Williams, Iyad Al Dandachi and George Mowbray.

Seeing this spectacular performance, the offence knew they had to raise their

game and duly responded, driving the length of the field behind some great blocking and powerful running as rookie running backs Gareth Duncan and Mike Whear combined well with veteran tailback John Bateman. But the big plays of the drive were to be through the air, as QB Andrew Giblin hit WR Warren Coombes on consecutive deep patterns. The drive ended with Giblin himself going in from five yards out.

However, he was stuffed in the backfield on the two-point attempt. That was to end the scoring in the game as late in the fourth, with Cardiff attempting to drive for a game-tying score, the ball was fumbled and recovered by Plymouth who were then able to run out the clock.

After a nervous start to the season, the Cobras are now more prepared for the upcoming fixtures, and next week the team travel to their old division rivals Bristol Bullets.

acts of stripping, dancing and general carnage This year’s auction, themed ‘A Night at the Movies’, will be judged by a five person panel consisting of AU members and ex-club stalwarts. Prizes will be awarded to the sexiest male and female performer, along with awards for the

clubs with the best routines and costumes.

Finally, thank you to all clubs who have come into the AU with cards or messages of support for AU president James Cole. It goes without saying that the AU, both privately and publicly, continues to offer James its full support.

CARDIFF’S MEN’S squash team came through one of the toughest matches of their season with a hard-fought 3-2 victory against an Exeter side who fielded a world-ranked player.

Cardiff’s first two matches involved Jo Seaman and Simba Maccumba. After winning the first game 9-4, Seaman stumbled in the following two.

However, showing some real fighting spirit, he took the final two games, getting Cardiff off to a perfect start.

In contrast, Maccumba was struggling against his opponent, losing the first two games 9-0 and 9-6. A 9-3 victory in the third restored some hope, but a failure to convert game-winning opportunities in the fourth proved costly as he suffered a 31 loss. “I should have got back into the match, having been 8-4 up in the fourth, but I gave it away.” said a clearly disappointed Maccumba.

Third on court was Simon Boyd, and he was far too strong for his opposite number, quickly winning his match 3-0. Next up was the match everyone had been waiting for; Cardiff captain Chris Jefferies taking on the

world-ranked Exeter captain.

Despite losing 3-0, Jefferies came out of the match with real credit. He took points off his opponent in all three games, and constantly applied pressure, even when defeat looked inevitable.

With the two sides tied at two matches each, it all came down to Mark Pierces’s match. Jefferies was confident in his man though, “Mark’s played really well this season, and it’s good to have a fresher playing so well in the first team.”

Pierce proved his captain right, and seemed to take the pressure in his stride, moving his increasingly frustrated opponent around the court with ease, and claiming the decider 3-0.

Captain Jefferies was particularly pleased with the team’s win, “It was a tough match, as all the games in this league are, so I’m really pleased with the win, which should put us in second or third position.”

PHOTO: Charlotte Harries

SWING FOR VICTORY: Shock win

Southampton smash and grab victory

By Melina Menelaou Talybont Correspondent MEMBERS OF the ladies’ volleyball team were left seething after, what they believed to be unfair umpiring, led them to consider an official complaint.

The 2-1 defeat was particularly

galling as suggestions that the official missed important decisions were rife after the game.

A close encounter was shaded by the south-coast side, who had played together for a year longer than the newly-assembled Cardiff side.

Despite the defeat, left-wing hitter Elena Avraam impressed throughout.

BECAUSE WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU! This week, it’s the turn of one of Cardiff’s American footballers, Dave Pruett, to prove to you that the Cardiff Cobras are the cherry on the top of the university’s sporting cake. Disagree? Email 400 words on your sports team to grsport@hotmail.com

WHY ARE WE better than you? A reasonable question but one that is easy to answer; because we are! In what other sport can you legally get a run-up the length of the pitch and clean someone out who doesn’t even have the ball?

Only in American football is this possible. Oh yeah, and you also get heavy pads to help you do it, thus giving you the freedom to inflict the

maximum possible impact.

We have all heard the argument that “those American Football boys are pussies, look at the pads they wear”.

Our response to that is “come on down and we will show you why.”

We continually have ex-rugby players coming down to play with us and they soon change their tune after a few sessions.

I quote rookie player James Breese who had this to say after his f irst game last Sunday, “I have played rugby all my life and I can

honestly say I have never been hit that hard in all my life.” Note the use of “all my life” twice; this is probably because he was still dazed.

What makes us better than you is, despite the pain, the dizziness and the bruised ribs he was suffering, James, and his team mates, continued to play and will be at training this, and every week.

You see, people, wearing pads does not take away the pain. It merely gives a person the confidence to put everything into every hit, ensuring collisions so hard that they

would probably measure on the Richter scale.

But enough about how hard the players are, let’s look at the stats. On the all-time list, among teams with over 100 games played, Cardiff Cobras rank second in wins (91) and third in win percentage with 72%. I challenge any team in the university to better that record.

Last, but by no means least, Cardiff Cobras AFC run in conjunction with the Snakecharmers cheerleading squad (the name is not a coincidence).

As a result, we get at least 20 scantily-clad cheerleaders at each and every one of our games and at our socials. Can any other team boast this? Thought not.

Speaking of socials, the party life of a Cardiff Cobra is pretty hectic; normally having two socials, with cheerleaders, per week.

Oh yeah, and our boat race team is undefeated throughout the whole time I have been in university (and that is a long time). So, in conclusion, WE ARE BETTER THAN YOU!

IMG

November 15 2004

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grsport@hotmail.com

IMG RUGBY

rt Match repo

MASTS 36 - 17 PHARMACY

A GAME OF TWO HALVES

The oval ball gets our attention this week as both sides pass judgement on MASTS’ encounter with Pharmacy ’

MASTS masters

By Simon Burkill

THE FIRST HALF started with a solid chase from the kick-off, with our back row forcing a penalty in the first two minutes.

Charlie ‘Pubes’ Hare stepped up and slotted it home.

Some excellent defensive work from the backs, and a turnover resulted in a huge kick down-field from Steve McClusky. The Pharmacy lineout was disrupted and the fly-half fumbled it to leave Rich Gregson to dive over the line for his first try of the season.

From the restart, the opposition applied some pressure which was never going to amount to much, a solid scrum won a ball against the head, pushing the Pharmacy pack clean off their ball.

This gave fresher Jez Leach a chance to counter-attack, and with a lovely kick and an awesome bit of pace, he skinned the full-back to score under the posts.

Pharmacy’s heads went down after this, and the MASTS back line opened up its full arsenal. A long twisting run from scrum-half Hare opened up a weak defence, letting in an easy try. The conversion was also put away by the hairy little man!

By Tim Lewis Football correspondent ALTHOUGH MOMED HAD a great chance to win the game right at the death, a 1-1 draw was about right for this exciting IMG encounter.

A strong wind made conditions difficult, but the game started brightly, with both teams playing some attractive football.

Momed applied some good pressure in the opening 20 minutes, strikers James Woodroof and Steve Edmonds linking up well to cause the Vasco back four some real problems.

Some excellent goalkeeping by Gary Evans kept Momed out. The deadlock was finally broken when winger Owen ‘psycho’ Williams powered a left-foot drive into the top corner to give Momed a deserved lead.

Instead of building on their good opening, Momed sat back and allowed Vasco to gain possession.

Soon the pharmacists started to build some good attacking play and chances started to flow.

Momed defended well and it looked as though they would go into the halftime break with their lead intact.

However, a swift counter-attack from Vasco - moving the ball the length of the pitch - was finished with a low shot into the bottom corner, ensuring the scores were level at the break.

Both teams looked determined to take control of the second half, resulting in

The forwards’ rucking from MASTS was something special, not only keeping all of our ball, but turning a lot of theirs. A few forward drives from the back of the rucks allowed a large overlap for centre Huw ‘meathead’ Williams to dive over. Pubes hit the spot again.

The ref called two minutes left in the first half and, jokingly, Captain Simon Burkill, said "Come on lads, we’ve got time for one more!" So, from the restart, full-back Joel Flitton banged one downfield, chased by Tom Biggs. The turnover was inevitable, and centre Tim Downing skilfully stepped past the remaining defenders to make it 36-0 at halftime.

This first half whitewash resulted in a change of team structure in the second half. Many new players were bought on, and players moved to new positions as a sort of practice match.

A superb performance from wing Rhys Bidder, and some outrageous dummies landed him man-of-thematch and a dirty pint.

Pharmacy must be commended on their second-half performance, putting 17 points on us, but the game had already been won in the first half. some fierce talking from both sides.

Momed were slightly on top in the opening ten minutes, midfielder Adam Lewis starting to boss the midfield, but some good defending kept Momed out.

Vasco took full advantage of the uncertainty regarding IMG rules by making multiple changes, as they had done the week before.

With fresh players and the wind at their backs, underdogs Vasco applied constant pressure to the Momed back four, going close on a number of occasions.

Simon Cane-Hardy was superb at the heart of the Momed defence but the number of quality attacks put together by Vasco made it very difficult for Momed to hang on.

Both sets of supporters were very vocal, this passion transferred onto the pitch and the game opened up into end-to-end action in the final ten minutes.

Then, with five minutes to go, striker Steve Edmonds was brought down by Vasco ‘keeper Gary Evans and the referee pointed to the spot.

Owen Williams stepped up for Momed and could have completed a fine individual performance but blasted the ball narrowly over the crossbar.

At the final whistle, both teams felt that they had created enough chances to win the game, leaving both sides ultimately disappointed.

Pharmacy feedback

By Wyn Davies WITH A WIN against MASTS last year in the semi-final of the cup, Pharmacy were hoping for another in the league. But it wasn’t to be. With injuries in training and previous matches, it was a weakened side that MASTS would face.

Within the first minute, a dodgy decision by the ref gave MASTS their first points from a penalty kick. Now with an on going attack, the pharmacy side suffered from careless and clumsy defending, allowing MASTS to score a try, which they managed to convert. 10-0 down.

To try and put us back into the game, Rhys attempted a drop-kick, which hit the post and went wide wide. Moments later, we suffered the first of our injuries. Outdoing MASTS in most of the scrums, and forcing them into their half time and time again, it was hard to see what we were doing wrong. That was until a lapse in defence let MASTS through to score another try. Again, they converted it to bring the score to 17-0.

Another injury caused a reshuf-

fle in the forwards, leaving people playing i n unfamili a r positions.

With a lot of the game still left, it was far from over. That was until the next three M A S T S tries. With two of them converted it p u t Pharmacy in an embarrassing 36-0 position.

A superb performance saw Rhys score our first try, only for it to be disallowed by a

late decision from the referee.

And so half-time came, with nobody impressed by the performance in the first half, there was an urgent need to regain some pride.

With an explosive second half, Pharmacy dominated the MASTS side in the forwards and the backs.

With it only being a matter of time before we got points on the scoreboard, it f inally happened with Gareth scoring. This was well converted and Pharmacy’s spirits were lifted.

Aggressive attacking and superb runs allowed Lee to score the next of Pharmacy’s tries, the conversion being kicked wide. To round off the game, a well-deserved try came from Ni, in his f irst match back after injury.

With the final score 36-17, it was definitely a game of two halves.

Anyone watching us play the second half would never have guessed the scoreline, proving we can play good rugby.

ALL PHOTOS ON THIS PAGE: Adam Gasson

Momed misfire as Vasco discover form

lts, fixFor all IMG resu visit tures and tablesents.com www.cardiffstud

Momed FC 1-1 Vasco de Pharma FC

University Sport

Page 38

November 15 2004

grsport@hotmail.com

Clean sweep as Brunel are battered Brunel, Trinity and Glamorgan ripped apart by men’s teams while unbeaten women thump Southampton on a glorious Wednesday for Cardiff’s rugby club. Fraser Watson and Sarah Bellingham report Cardiff Ladies 22 So’ton Ladies 0

Brunel 1st XV Cardiff 1st XV 37 - 21 THE RETURN OF inspirational centre Lawrence Price proved crucial as his superb hat trick ensured the men’s first XV got their league campaign firmly back on track with a victory over Brunel University.

Playing into the wind in the first half and rocked by the early loss of the in-form Tom Hocking, Cardiff still raced into an early 10-0 lead via Price’s opening try and a straightforward penalty from flyhalf Ed Bradnock.

The Cardiff pack then proceeded to dominate the visitors, setting a solid platform for the Cardiff backline, with John Walder proving the main benef iciary when he went over in the corner to score the game’s second try.

Leading 15 - 6 at the interval, Cardiff full-back Matt Hopper came close to extending the home side’s lead when he came up just short of the try line after a magnificent 80 yard solo run. Cardiff, however, soon cemented their grip

on the game as the backline began to cut loose, allowing further scores from Price (two) and Walder.

With the game safe, Cardiff paid the penalty for complacency as Brunel hit back with two late tries.

But it proved too little too late for the visitors, leaving skipper Owain Griff ith pleased to get his side back on track, “The league is so open with teams beating each other.

Now we are back to winning ways it’s vital we put a string of wins together to stay in contention for the league.”

PHOTOS: Nick Parnell

Trinity 2nd XV Cardiff 2nd XV 44 - 5 THE MEN’S 2nd XV overcame windy conditioins and a difficult start to comfortably dispatch of Trinity College at Llanrumney.

After resisting early pressure, skipper Sam Burford opened the scoring for the home side when he broke through weak tackling to score from 20 metres out.

The game’s highlight was provided moments later when flanker Paul Tandonnet broke free and combined brilliantly with Danny Browne to send hooker Neil Gad into the corner for a superbly worked try.

Despite territorial dominance for

the remainder of the match, Cardiff had to wait until the second half before making the game safe.

Fly-half John Lambswood pounced on a defensive mix-up to score Cardiff ’s third try and later efforts from Pete Salmon (2) and Owain Wynne, along with a Gavin Smart drop-goal, ensured Cardiff comfortably maintained their unbeaten run at fortress Llanrumney.

48 Cardiff 3rd XV Glamorgan 2nd XV 0 A HAT-TRICK of tries from winger Justin York helped the third XV ease to a huge win against Glamorgan seconds last Wednesday.

Stand in skipper Nick Grant was delighted with the way his side

bounced back from last week’s defeat at UWIC, “Although as a team we still wasted opportunities, it was crucial to get back to winning ways and leave ourselves in title contention at the mid-point of the season.”

IMG rugby results-Round 2 Pharmacy 10 - 10 Engineering Carbs A 52 - 0 Gym Gym Carbs B 12 - 15 Gym Gym Law 21 - 17 SAWSA

(Gym Gym played twice, Masts did not play in round 2)

For fixtures, see cardiffstudents.com

POWER: Cardiff firsts drive to victory

LADIES RUGBY stormed to victory once again with a convincing 22-0 victor y over Southampton.

There was another nervous start for Cardiff, demonstrated by some poor passing and basic mistakes.

The team quickly got their heads together and outside-half Mari Ropstad sealed the first quarter with a try.

Southampton began to pile on the pressure but some classy tackling and pressure from the forwards won the ball back for Cardiff.

The team were frustrated when their efforts to spread the ball wide and a clever loop by outside centre Zoe Prytherch were stopped by the Southampton defence near the line.

The good communication in the back line eventually paid off and Prytherch was rewarded with a try.

The scrums were, once again, uncontested, at the request of Southampton. This was disappointing for Cardiff but the forwards were able to use their power elsewhere and successfully drove the ball over the line, resulting in a try for front-rower Laura Gibbs, her first of the season.

After still more impressive play by Cardiff, scrum-half Rhian Lane added another try to the score sheet.

After half-time, Southampton stepped up their game and made life difficult for Cardiff.

Flanker Rachael Merriman made several powerful attacking runs and was awarded player of the match for her fantastic efforts. Both teams failed to score any more points and the result remained 22-0.

This adds to Cardiff ’s impressive unbeaten record so far this season and stands them in good stead for their clash with Gloucester next week.

Team Captain Marina Newth said, “We played well and I’m very pleased we are at the top of the table.

“We mustn’t become comp l a c e n t , though, as there’s a lot left to do if we want to win the league.”

Spor t gair rhydd

IMG ACTION - DID THIS HEADER GO IN AND DID IT CAUSE SERIOUS INJURY? See p37

S

U PL

American Football tell us just how good they are p 3 6

“You haven’t got enough facilities for yourself let alone the Medics as well”

Below

MEDICS MADE TO Best foot forward TRAIN IN CAR PARK Men’s AFC firsts - 1 UWIC AFC seconds - 1

BY MARTYN THOMAS SPORTS REPORTER THE ATHLETIC UNION has come under fire from members of the Medics rugby team who claim their Cardiff University counterparts are receiving an unfair percentage of resources.

As part of the merger between the University of Wales College of Medicine (UWCM) and Cardiff University, it was agreed that, in order to maintain their sense of identity, the Medics would be allowed to keep their own sports teams.

It was also agreed that they would be able to work with Cardiff University Rugby Co-ordinator, Adrian Evans, and that adequate training facilities would be provided.

Although these promises were made, they have not been delivered.

Over recent weeks, the Medics have been forced to train using makeshift facilities.

Firstly, they trained behind the Med bar, in what Medics’ captain Andrew Miller described as "car-park lighting" and last week they had to train on Maindy tennis courts.

Miller says the problem began

when the clocks went back.

He commented, "There are adequate pitches for all teams to train, it’s really a question of lighting, and everyone wants to train at the same time."

According to the Athletic Union, the problem arose when Cardiff Blues ‘stole’ the Medics’ old training facilities at Cardiff High School. Since then, the AU have been trying to find the Medics a suitable replacement and believe they have now done so by acquiring the facilities at Maindy.

Union President Gary Rees said, "As far as we are concerned the issue has been resolved and facilities have been provided."

Miller acknowledges the work done by the AU on the Medics’ behalf, particularly considering the difficult period they are currently facing.

Miller points the finger at a lack of facilities – which was known about long before the merger. He said, "I have no problems with the AU set-up, the problem lies with the fact that you (Cardiff University) haven’t got enough facilities for yourself, let alone the Medics as well."

As a university team, competing

under the banner of the AU, it was believed that the Medics would have some help and support from the University’s rugby co-ordinator, Adrian Evans.

However, such help has amounted to nothing more than a meeting, where it was decided he probably couldn’t help.

Miller claims, "I had a meeting with him (Evans) and Gary Stevens (Head of Sport and Exercise) to see what they could do for us. Part of the terms of the merger were that Adrian would be split 50-50 between us and Cardiff University, but basically we haven’t seen him."

Evans declined to comment to gair rhydd about the issue.

The AU also refused to be drawn on the issue. However, it appears that the fact that the Medics were unable to commit to a specific time every week, due to the nature of their schedule, hindered any chance of a deal.

The merger was supposed to give the Medics improved resources, while allowing them to retain their identity.

It appears, however, that their situation has deteriorated since September.

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

Men’s AFC firsts take important point from UWIC seconds

BY ALEX CINUS FOOTBALL CORRESPONDENT CARDIFF UNIVERSITY FIRSTS put in a good home performance against a much-fancied UWIC 2nds side and will be disappointed to come away from the game with only a 1-1 draw.

After losing a two goal lead against Glamorgan in their previous game, Cardiff were desperate to get back to winning ways against their cross-city rivals.

This determination shone through in

a game played in windy conditions at Llanrumney.

However, the home side could not have wished for a worse start to the game, when after just seven minutes, UWIC took the lead from a free header.

To their credit, Cardiff did not let their heads drop after the goal, and did not allow UWIC any other noticeable chances throughout the remainder of the game.

Cardiff’s superior ability to carve out chances through well-worked interplay and first-time balls was evident, and

time and time again they managed to open up the opposition’s defence.

It was through one such move that the equaliser came on twenty minutes, when Ross Herrick stormed forward from right-back to set up Mark Lucas who clinically drove the ball into the back of the net.

Cardiff were now clearly in the ascendancy and the clever Toan Ravenscroft was orchestrating the game in the middle of the park.

The home side went on to create great opportunities with Will Thompson

heading just wide and Lloyd Godwin hitting the post after a superb move on the edge of the box involving Lucas and Tom Crowther.

Thompson also had another giltedged opportunity on the stroke of halftime when he rounded the ‘keeper only for the shot to be cleared off the line.

Cardiff ended the first half the happier of the two sides after their great performance but there was a feeling that the match should have been wrapped up already.

The second half was a more mun-

dane affair, with UWIC looking like they were more than happy to go away with just a point.

Cardiff did have one more superb chance before the full time whistle, however, with James Cain through on goal but the UWIC ‘keeper made a rather fortunate save.

After the game, Right-winger Lloyd Godwin commented, "Usually we are too direct, but this time we had lots of width, and got good balls into the box.

Unfortunately we just couldn’t capitalise on the chances we created."

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMANS IN PETERBOROUGH ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ DOYLE IS A GAY AMERICAN■ ANGLING ‘99 RETURNS TO HAUNT ONE OF THE SPORTS EDITORS■ BURN BABY BURN■ AIRS-DITCHED BY THE CRAFTY CARPER ■ TRISTAN HAS A GIANT ADAM’S APPLE■ RIATH DEPORTED IN MI5 MEDIA AWARDS RAID■ ALL WORK AND NO MEDIA AWARDS MAKE SPORT SNAP REALLY BADLY ■I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHY I DO THIS JOB - IT’S NOT WORTH IT

November 15 2004

University Sport

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The next best thing to an MBE

Top stars recognised as 04/05 bursary awards are announced

By Ffion Atwell Sports Reporter

THIS WEEK SAW the announcement of the recipients of the annual University Bursary Awards Scheme.

The scheme supports some of the university’s most talented sportspeople, many of whom have competed on an international level. This year, the number of people on the programme has risen from last year’s 31 to 42, competing in sports ranging from swimming to downhill mountain biking.

The aim of the scheme, is to support and assist talented Cardiff University students to manage the extensive demands of performing successfully in their sporting and academic programmes.

Recipients of the award receive one of three levels of funding, determined by their achievement in sport. All receive Gold Membership to university sports facilities and £250 to use to access university sports resources, including physiotherapy, fitness training, and sports psychology.

Athletes receiving level one and two

awards are also entitled to a personal allowance, determined by the level of award to use for personal expenses.

This is welcomed by Philippa Tuttiett, of women’s rugby, who is receiving a level two award.

She commented, “The financial support makes a big difference to me because I play divisional rugby in Bristol, and have to go there three times a week.

“The personal expenses allowance helps me cover the cost of petrol and bridge tolls so I can concentrate on my

rugby.”

This year has also seen the introduction of a ‘buddy’ programme, to allow the participants to gain support from their fellow bursars, as well as from the Sport Development Department and the Athletic Union.

The SDD are also working to gain further financial support for these elite sportspeople, by lobbying the Welsh Assembly Government to become involved in the multi-million pound Talented Athletic Scholarship Scheme (TASS).

Head of Sport and Exercise, Gary Stephens, explained, “Currently the scheme only operates in England, which means that some of our most talented athletes decide to go to English universities because they feel they stand a better chance of accessing funds there.”

Despite this, the university still has a plethora of sporting talent. A further five cricketers are expected to receive awards from the University Cricket Centre of Excellence later this term, proving that the only way is up for Cardiff University sport.

Happy Hayes for hockey firsts

By Gareth Owen Hockey Correspondent AFTER LAST WEEK’S exciting comeback at Marjons, Cardiff hockey firsts demolished Aberystwyth 8-0 with a fine display of attacking skill.

Cardiff set out with the clear intention to retain possession of the ball, their ball pace and movement making the Aberystwyth players chase shadows all over the pitch.

Good work down the right by experienced full back Alex Jones, led to a succession of short corners that forced good saves from the Aberystwyth goalkeeper to keep the score-sheet blank.

The visitors were clearly struggling to come to terms with Cardiff ’s superior skill, with Chris Rhodes enjoying particular success down the left flank.

Taking the space created by the movement of the Cardiff forwards, Rhodes strode through numerous challenges before unleashing an unstoppable shot past the goalkeeper’s head to open the scoring.

It was 2-0 shortly afterwards, Rob Sparrow scoring with a well-placed deflection in a rehearsed short corner move.

Another short corner soon saw Nick Gough score with a tremendous straight strike into the bottom corner as Cardiff piled on the pressure.

Looking for a fourth before half time, Cardiff’s passing game stretched the opposition wide open, midfield anchor Ian North spreading the play

and dictating the centre of the pitch.

It was only a matter of time before prolific striker Paul Hayes notched, finishing well on the reverse after being played in by forward partner Nick Gough.

The second half started with Cardiff already confident of the win and looking to maximise their goal difference against an inferior Aberystwyth side.

The fifth goal came as Hayes finished from an acute angle following some magnificent interplay involving both the forwards and the midfield.

Aberystwyth morale was low and Cardiff took advantage of that to push on for more goals, winning more short corners from tired Aberystwyth challenges.

Captain Tony Gough scored from a classic routine, meeting a slipped pass with a first time finish past the hapless Aberystwyth goalkeeper.

Man-of-the-Match Hayes completed his hat-trick with a bizarre looping finish, having reacted first to a rebound after a close range effort from Will Marshall.

The rout was completed when Duncan Courtney, having struck the post with a fantastic drag-flick only moments earlier, stepped up to put a penalty flick up into the roof of the net, after a Martyn Freshman effort was kicked off the line by an Aberystwyth defender.

Skipper Gough was pleased with the result, commenting, "An 8-0 drubbing is always good, although I’d like us to be more clinical in front of goal in upcoming matches."

BLOCKED: Interception leads to another Cardiff attack

Glamorgan Ladies 2 Cardiff Ladies 6

By Cazz Earl Hockey Correspondent A NOTORIOUSLY strong Glamorgan team were brushed aside by Cardiff ladies in a comfortable 6-2 victory.

Scorers Sarah Dunn (two) Kathryn Boot, Amelia Williams, Sophie Blair and Samantha Carr, ensured that Cardiff ’s dominance and persistence paid off.

Good work in the ‘D’ led to the

game’s first goal, but the Cardiff lead was short-lived as Glamorgan broke through the defence to level the scores before half-time.

Goal-scorer Kathryn Boot was placed in goal for the second half A defensive short corner saw goalkeeper Rhian Evans injured

while making an important save.

The team was then swiftly rearranged, with goal-scorer Kathryn Boot placed in goal for the second half.

After a brief ing from captain Cazz Earl, the team went out determined not to let this unexpected alteration damage their drive for success.

Despite falling 2-1 behind after a converted Glamorgan penalty corner, Cardiff dug deep, slotting goals away left, right and centre. Player of the match Tamara Fateh was instrumental as Cardiff completed a deserved 6-2 victory.

Captain Jones inspires women to another win as impressive run continues

By Chris Heal Football Correspondent CARDIFF LADIES put in a dogged performance at Llanrumney to earn the result they deserved as they beat Gloucester ladies and, in doing so, leapfrogged their opponents into second place in the league.

Cardiff took the game to their opponents, and their abundance of pace and energy up front, in the effervescent Alex Joanniddes and Sabrina Noll, began to make the Gloucester defence look somewhat beleaguered.

As the home side took control of

the game, they began to press forward in numbers and ten minutes into the game they got their reward.

Jones played a teasing through-ball that dissected the Gloucester defence, yet somehow the visiting keeper managed to thwart both opposing forwards as she came charging out of her area to clear. The loose ball fell to the hosts’ lurking captain, who duly lobbed the ball over the stranded goalkeeper from the edge of the area.

Rather than sitting back on their lead, Cardiff, sensing victory, moved in for the kill and began to lay siege to the visitors’ goal and restricted their

opponents to a handful of ambitious set pieces.

However, Gloucester scored on the counter-attack just minutes before the interval.

A tantalising cross from the right caught the defence napping and, as Sarah Newbury, the Cardiff goalkeeper, failed to claim the incoming ball, the arriving Gloucester forward nodded in from six yards.

Indignant, Cardiff ploughed forward and almost reclaimed the lead moments before the half time whistle.

As Gloucester’s defence frantically tried to clear the danger, the referee spotted an infringement and awarded

Cardiff a free-kick. Emma Jones took responsibility, lofting the ball past the stationary goalkeeper and into the net; yet before celebrations could ensue, the referee, curiously opting not to play advantage, ordered a retake due to the defensive wall not being ten yards back.

The visiting goalkeeper gratefully claimed the retaken kick and the whistle was blown for half-time.

After the restart, good play by Emma Jones led to Sabrina Noll forcing the Gloucester goalkeeper to parry the ball into the path of Alex Joanniddes, who calmly prodded it into the open net.

Ten minutes before the final whistle, Cardiff appeared willing to play out time, until a fine piece of skill from one of the Gloucester forwards created a chance out of nothing and the ball was fired past the shell-shocked Cardiff goalkeeper.

Sensing an injustice on the cards, Cardiff threw on a fresh pair of legs three minutes from time, Claire Bunting replacing Alex Joanniddes.

Within moments it proved a masterstroke as a two-on-one presented Bunting with the opportunity to stroke the ball beneath the onrushing goalkeeper to secure a hard-fought Cardiff victory.