gair rhydd - Issue 778 by Cardiff Student Media

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

ISSUE 778. December 6 2004

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NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04

WIN A NEW ULTIMATE MOBILE PHONE CHAMPIONS Take embarrassing pictures of your drunk mates and win a brand new Virgin Mobile

Riath al-Samarrai dusts off his knuckles and investigates the world of ultimate fighting

FEE-UNITED COMPETITIONS P26

By Jonathan Astle News Editor

Photos: Charlotte Harries and Will Talmage

STUDENTS FROM around the UK brought Cardiff City Centre to a standstill as they marched against top-up fees in Cardiff last Thursday. Universities from across the country bussed coachloads of protestors to voice their opposition to fees. NUS President Kat Fletcher described the 3000strong turn-out as "outstanding". Starting at Roald Dahl Plass in Cardiff Bay the march went along the main route to the City Centre halting traffic and causing disruption to shoppers. The march came to a halt just after 1pm when the protestors gathered next to Cathays Park, in earshot of Welsh Assembly offices, for NUS leaders and politicians to rally the crowd.

Kat Fletcher told the assembled group: "The government, through a combination of dirty tricks, threats and bribery managed to push the Higher Education Bill through the UK parliament with the tiniest majority. "I take this opportunity to call upon the Welsh Assembly to use its powers to put right what Westminster has done so badly." Rebel Cardiff Central MP, Jon Owen Jones, who voted against his party’s bill, was also upbeat. "I do not believe poor students should be priced out of excellent universities. The fees should not be here next. Wales must act as a beacon to change UK policy,” he said. Demonstrators were looking to assembly members to rule out top-up fees beyond the next election, forecast for 2007. The Welsh Assembly government’s current commitment lasts only until the end of the next academic year.

SPORT P41

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a glance November 29 2004 News Geordie Opinion Politics Media Interviews Jobs and Money Letters Taf-Od Health Go Green Science Competitions Problem Page Listings Television Five Minute Fun Sport

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A-DRESSING THE ISSUE By Elgan Iorwerth Reporter CARDIFF STUDENTS took part in an attempt to create the World’s biggest dress as a part of the Big Dress Campaign last week. During their “Week of Action” members of the SPEAK society tried to encourage Cardiff students to express their views on trade justice. The Big Dress campaign is designed to be a creative petition to “reduce poverty and improve accountability for multinational companies”. The dress, currently being constructed in London, consists of 30cm x 30cm squares made by individuals voicing their opinions on trade justice. The group have already collected around 100 squares including squares by MP Jon Owen Jones for Cardiff Central and Gary Rees, SU President. The society is a part of the SPEAK

EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Ken Griffin, Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Will Dean, Perri Lewis, Bethany Whiteside NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION TV Willy, TV John, TV Katie, TV Manners LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill FIVE MINUTE FUN Sarah Bayes HEAD OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey PROOF READERS Rachel Browne, Carly Sharples, Ailsa Chalk, Katherine Mallam, Hannah Perry CONTRIBUTORS Sophie Robehmed, Cara Lee, Will Carson, Adam Gasson, Jemma Gander, Dave Menon, Natasha Murray, Charissa Coulthard, Daniel Ashcroft, Caleb Woodbridge, Charli Ferrand, Katie Brunt, Geraint Edwards, Owain Jones, Elenor Sherrard-Smith, Sarah Taylor, Emma Hughes, Riath Al-Samarrai, James Emtage, Megan Conner, Daniel Stanton, Dan Ridler, Birthe Bruhns, Andrew Mickel, Nicola Cornick, Ross Whittam, Alexandra Fry, Fraser Watson, Matt Ramsden, Amy Davies, Bren Coopey, Gareth Evans, Tom Shedden, Ceri Williams, Alex Jenkins, Chris Allen, Jonathon Redman, David Pruett, Phil Stark, Gareth Owen, Paul Hayes, Catherine Earl, Ffion Atwell, Nick Parnell

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Dress tiles being made and some examples.

Network which involves over 30 groups nationwide and further groups around the world. The SPEAK Network currently have over half of the 10,000 squares required for the finished dress. The current record set in 1998 in Junta Central Fallera de Valencia, Spain was a dress measuring 9.6m long, with a skirt diameter of 20m. Rob Telford, a spokesperson for SPEAK society said: “It’s been a great encouragement to see Cardiff students taking part in this record-breaking campaign.” The society hopes that the dress will be completed by February 2005. SPEAK praised Cardiff ’s students for there part “in raising awareness of development issues in this country.” They are confident in the success of the initiative they call: “an exciting way of petitioning the UK government.”

Taken for a ride Spiking Unlikely By Sophie Robehmed Reporter

it’s a joke.” Another student, who preferred to remain nameless, urged: “You must always get in a legal taxi – ensure they are black and white and have a roof light.” An anonymous taxi driver, who prefers to remain anonymous, told gair rhydd, “If a driver charges you a fee that has not been put on the meter you should tell them that what they are doing is illegal and that you have phoned the police.” Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Cardiff taxi firm Premier wanted to give students advice to avoid illegitimate cabs: “Make sure the driver is wearing a taxi badge, that he is putting the fee on a meter and that there are specific licence plates on the front and back of the vehicle.” Delta, another taxi company, highlighted how students can be safe: “Even though it is time consuming, students should book a reputable taxi beforehand. If an offence ever takes place or if you leave any valuables in a car, they can be traced by a reputable firm, which is not the case if you just jump in a cab.”

ILLEGAL TAXIS are targeting thousands of naïve students, by charging extortionate prices and posing a serious threat to their safety. gair rhydd has received shocking reports of students being exploited by the taxi con men. These unlicensed taxis, rife in town and near the union, frequently pull up at Southgate House, the taxi rank at Talybont student village. The scam is taking its toll on students’ wallets as they are charged high individual rates, which the driver decides. Students also report feeling intimidated by the drivers’ actions, as ‘they are not letting students out of the car who refuse to pay the altered prices. Talybont resident Rory Sharvill expressed his concerns to gair rhydd: “It’s a problem when there are lots of people because when you individually pay about £1.50, you end up paying much more than if it was put onto a meter. It is really unfair because they play on the fact that we don’t know it is illegal because we are new students.” He added: “I’ve heard of people in the front seat not being let out and also taxi drivers driving back to the union, because the passengers TAXIS: have refused to pay the total fee – a threat?

By Paul Dicken News Editor

SOUTH-WALES Police and a Cardiff Community Safety Officer have dismissed claims that Cardiff is the one of the most likely places to have your drink spiked in the UK. During the Christmas period of 2002-2003 research was carried out in partnership with University Hospital Wales A&E department to try and address claims related to drink spiking. 50 people who claimed to have been spiked agreed to go through the data collecting process. Of the 50, tests showed that not one person had been administered GHB or the drug Rohypnol – the drugs associated with drink spiking. The statistics collected over this test period showed that 45 of the claims were due to excess alcohol consumption, five of the participants had taken some form of drug, two had taken ecstasy, one amphetemine, one person had taken both amphetemine and ecstasy, and one had taken a self-administered tranquiliser. The documentary Dispatches, shown by Channel Four in September, included a focus on Cardiff in its collection of evidence reporting the drink spiking problems in the UK. Community Safety Officer Mark Smith suggested that Dispatches failed to include evidence and com-

ments from the local authorities in their depiction of Cardiff nightlife. He added that while the Welsh capital is often inaccurately represented he is aware of potential risks and dangers to the public, but is quick to dispel ‘alarmist’ claims.

“Tests showed that not one person had been administered the drugs associated with drink spiking.” PC Bob Keohane from South Wales Police repeated his requests for students to be cautious and aware of the possibility of their drinks being spiked, but added there was no evidence to confirm fears about Cardiff in particular. He commended Cardiff Students’ Union’s implementation of bottle ‘Spika Stoppas’ and drinking guidelines. In the city centre the late bus, in operation for over a year, has been a huge success. Other initiatives including closing the end of St Mary’s Street at weekends to prevent altercations involving taxi’s, and a new licensing system for door staff to help prevent assault incidences.

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DAY TRIPPER By Cara Lee Reporter A BUS TRAVELLING the streets of Cardiff could soon provide a safe area for heroin addicts to inject drugs. Drug workers claim that the benefits of this scheme would be immense, causing a reduction in the amount of drug-related deaths and illnesses, as well as an improvement in anti-social behaviour. The proposal is the first of its kind in Britain and has sparked controversy, with critics calling similar schemes in the UK ‘shooting galleries’. But Bruce Diggins, regional manager for Wallich Clifford Community, a homeless organisation which is one of the forces supporting the plan, argues that the bus would be a lifesaver for addicts. He said: "Addicts inject in poorly lit parks and public toilets, reusing needles and putting themselves in danger of sores, abscesses and infections." He states the organisation witnesses approximately ten deaths of known

400 NEEDLES: the bus aims to reduce the risk of injecting with dirty needles in public places heroin addicts a year as well as at least one overdose per week. Addicts who have not received early enough treatment for their

infections have undergone limb amputations. Mr Diggins added: "We know where the addicts are and a mobile

facility would allow us to go to them. We would not be assisting or supplying drugs, just providing a safe area for addicts."

Although similar schemes have been successful in some European countries, in Britain it has faced disapproval from the Home Office. Mr Diggins admits that the amount of financial support needed to fund the proposal has not yet been established. He hopes that the idea will find some political backing: “It will take some political bravery for it to happen, but also some compassion.” Plaid Cymru’s Shadow Social Justice Assembly Minister, Leanne Wood, also declared her approval for the scheme, saying that the bus would aid addicts by reducing their health risks. She said: "It is also important from a public safety perspective because without somewhere safe to inject, homeless people have no option other than to inject in public." The consequence of this is that any member of the public is able to find used needles, which are often abandoned by addicts. Wallich Clifford Community believes that 20-30 heroin addicts would use the service on a regular basis.

Holiday hospitals CARDIFF WILL host city centre ‘field hospitals’ this Christmas. The plans hope to ease pressure on ambulance and A&E wards by offering treatment on location. An initiative set up by the Welsh Ambulance Service will see paramedic teams stationed in pubs and clubs during the Christmas holidays. The teams are there to provide immediate medical support. The idea, which was piloted in Swansea last year, was awarded this year’s NHS Confederation Award last week. Following the scheme’s success in Swansea, paramedic teams will also be stationed in Cardiff, Newport and possibly Wrexham. The units will operate on 17, 24 and 31 December – some of the busiest party dates of the festive season. Where possible, patients will be treated in ‘field hospitals’, leaving the hospitals with more space to deal with more serious casualties. The innovation has also been commended by the Home Office, which featured the scheme in a ‘best practice seminar’ recently. Welsh Ambulance Service Trust Chief Executive Don Page said: "We are delighted that this new and

innovative approach has been recognised as an area of good practice both within the NHS in Wales and in the UK. “The scheme is making a big difference not only in releasing pressure on the ambulance service in Swansea town centre during one of its busiest times, but ensuring we provide the right treatment at the right time for patients, meaning fewer are needing to be taken to hospital." But one implication of the scheme is the possible inability of the ambulance service to deal with the proposed ‘café culture’ style of licensing, which would see 24 hour drinking in many of Cardiff ’s bars and clubs. Caroline Watkins, PR Manager for the Trust, refrained from commenting on the consequences the ‘field hospitals’ might have on proposals for 24 hour drinking.

Drinkers to get on the spot attention PHOTOS: Luke Pavey

By Will Carson Reporter

ST MARY’S STREET: Possible sight of field hospitals and INSET: scenes of drunken revellers

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Rendel investigates top-up fees By Caroline Farwell Politics Editor THE LIBERAL Democrats were showing their full support at the anti top-up fees demonstrations in Cardiff Bay last week. The event was attended by local and national politicians who were keen to show their commitment to opposing variable student fees in England and Wales. David Rendel, the Liberal Democrat spokesman on Higher and Further Education, attended the rally and said that he was proud and delighted to be speaking at the event. Mr Rendel, MP for Newbury, said: “The government is proposing an education system that is based on a student’s ability to pay rather than to learn. “It is absolutely critical that we therefore show how unpopular top-up fees really are. “This is our chance to defeat the policy and completely abolish fees.” Recent figures show that the Liberal Democrat Party have a 47 per cent student support rate. It is their pledge to stop current levels of spiralling student debt that has earned them much of this overwhelming support. Mr Rendel said: “We are the only party that has been consistently opposed to fees from the start. Students should not have to pay for an education, instead our policies of scraping fees and re-introducing maintenance grants appeal more to the student population.” The Liberal Democrats have abolished tuition fees in Scotland and Mr Rendel stressed how their commitment to doing the same in England and Wales was crucial to the future stability of higher education. He said that the passing of last month’s ammendment in the Welsh assembly shows how the party is making progression in Wales. The Liberal Democrat amendment, that was passed by 31 votes to 27, said that variable student tuition fees are wrong ‘in principle’, arguably showing a welcome empathy towards students in Wales. Jenny Randerson, Assembly member for Cardiff Central, and Jenny Willott, a Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for the Liberal Democrat Party also attended the demonstrations at the Bay. Miss Willott, who is running for the most marginal Lib Dem-Labour seat in the UK, said that the demonstration turn-out proved how damaging top-up fees would be to students. She said: “The country would fail to operate without a strong graduate population. “It is therefore our job to ensure that young people are given the appropriate opportunities. “Graduates are vital to the successful operation of our society and education is something that affects every aspect of this society.”

FEE FIGHTERS

By Dave Doyle News Editor

t 10am, In the shadow of the Millennium centre, clusters of students started to appear. The steel fountain, glaring in the stark winter light, was surrounded by ‘Duck Off ’ t-shirts, red balloons and placards planted in the wooden grating.

As more arrived bagpipes and drums started playing. Chants started from pockets of Socialists or Liberal

Democrats but the crowd was still failing to reach the NUS prediction of 5,000 students. At 11:30 the crowd moved into the Oval Basin to hear speeches from the NUS and assembly members. The spirits began lifting and the noise rose among students but the speeches from members of Plaid Cymru and the Liberal Democrats, as well as an interruption from a socialist student, foretold the politically self-indulgent attempts to high-jack the demonstration that plagued the march. Though roused by the NUS speeches, on leaving Roald Dahl Plass murmurs could be heard through out the crowd over the disappointing numbers. As the demonstration meandered towards the centre of town the noise increased as

different chants started sporadically down the chain of protesters. The numbers also increased as those students who struggle with Thursday mornings arrived. With an audience of bewildered shoppers and office workers the march reached its peak and chants of “What do we want – free education” and “Tony Blair’s a right Tory bastard” became more frequent. Words were lost under the drum’s beat, whistles and shouting and the forest of placards pounded the air. T h e demonstration was guided past the castle and

into the civic centre where it came to a halt outside the Bute building. As Perfect Day played over the PA system students relaxed in the sun and waited for speeches. An assortment of NUS Presidents kept the chanting going from their stage and called for students from different areas to make themselves heard.

A depressing turn out from a Cardiff student population of 20,0000 The Welsh protesters, however, failed to sustain the volume as well as students who had travelled from as far away as Scotland and Northern Ireland exposing a shameful apathy from the students who will directly benefit if this protest is successful. The cheering continued as the speeches began. Kat Fletcher, NUS

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TAKE TO STREETS

President, rallied students, reminding them of the power of the student vote and the hypocrisy of the Whitehall politicians who all received a free education. Union spokespersons also maintained the atmosphere by pledging their support to the battle against top-up fees. The mood changed though as Jon Owen Jones, a Welsh Labour MP, took the stage. The different political factions heckled the politician, to which he responded: “You won’t win this argument if you put people off who are trying to help you.” The speeches were finished by James Knight who passionately called for Rhoddri Morgan to use his powers of devolution to send a message to Westminster. With the music playing again the demonstration broke up. It was a peaceful, well-organised day, but one that could have been better were it not for the different political motivations and a depressing turn out from a Cardiff student population of 20,000.

: t e e r t s e h t Word on “

“It’s really impressive. This is the first time I’ve ever been to one and I’m really, really enjoying it. In fact, we’re all having a great time and there’s a great y just seemed atmosphere. Everybod ked in a good mood and loo n to do forward to coming dow n we tha re mo n bee it’s it, so expected.”

”

James Jack – Campaigns Exec. Officer, Fife Students’

“

Since the end of the student grants there’s been a gradual erosion of funding. Now I think the cost of going to university is going to put off a lot d with the of people. I’m impresse I’m not optiest hon be turnout but to ually make mistic that this will act like ms see It e. much differenc eady alr e hav ns isio dec st mo been made. y stuSally Bailey - Psycholog r. ngo Ba t, den

”

Top-up fees march

I think the situation is scandalous. We’ve got to be united against the common threat. As an ex-member of the Socialist Students I think we inst top-up should be campaign aga against did we y wa the in s fee her was the poll-tax when Thatc paign of cam a nk thi I er. pow in the best non-payment would be it. eat def to y wa ea student. Sarah Mayo - ex-Swans

“

”

PHOTOS: Adam Gasson & Luke Pavey

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GONE FOR A SONG

Fathers for justice blockade channel

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter

By Nicola Cornick Reporter

AFTER NEARLY a decade of constant hard work the Wales Millennium Centre has already delighted royal audiences with a star-studded cast to conclude the opening weekend celebrations. The Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh and the Prince of Wales journeyed to the £106m arts centre to mark the celebration of its opening. Among the hundreds of people gathered outside to greet the royal party were demonstrators from the Fathers 4 Justice campaign dressed as Father Christmas. Among those providing the entertainment were Michael Ball, Charlotte Church, Ruthie Henshall, Philip Madoc, Sian Phillips and Bryn Terfel. The royal party were greeted by First Minister Rhodri Morgan, WMC chairman Sir David Rowe-Beddoe and WMC chief executive Judith Isherwood. The Queen accepted a yellow posy presented to her by Katie Robinson whose mother Alison Robinson is an assistant accountant within the centre. Dame Shirley Bassey, who was among those honoured at the opening Gala, was embraced by one of her oldest friend’s Prince Charles, and officially congratulated by the

FOUR MEMBERS of the campaign group Fathers 4 Justice were arrested on Sunday after their protest resulted in the closure of the Severn Bridge. The protestors dressed in Father Christmas outfits and spent five hours on the gantry on the Welsh side of the bridge. They displayed a banner saying: ‘Fathers 4 Justice proudly presents denied access.’ The protest took place hours before a Royal Gala, celebrating the opening of the Wales Millenium Centre in Cardiff Bay. Police confirmed that four or five protestors had also scaled two buildings close to the Millenium Centre. The campaigners, who managed to unfurl similar banners from the

MILLENNIUM CENTRE: Opens its doors Queen. “The Queen asked about the medal and looked at it on both sides,” she said. The first item of the Gala programme was introduced by Sian Phillips and was a song taken from the musical Gypsy. Other numbers included the world premier of Karl Jenkins’s ‘In These Stones Horizons Sing’ which was commissioned to feature in the celebrations. Bass baritone Bryn Terfel and Catrin Fince, a former royal harpist performed in the piece. Aside from the programme of performances, another aspect of the

centre has generated much interest; the architecture. The WMC has a 1,900-seat auditorium and many unique features, including steel pillars and glass work. The door handles, created by Ann Catrin Evans were pointed out to the Prince of Wales, whose strong opinions on architecture are well known. Ms Isherwood is delighted by the smooth-running of the opening events and is ‘now looking forward to running the centre as a business.’ The first public event at the venue commences with two sell-out Max Boyce concerts.

Merchant House and the Pier Head building, came down voluntarily. Chief Superintendent Bob Evans, of South Wales Police said: “I am satisfied at this stage that the safety and security of the building has not been compromised.” But a member of Gwent Police, Superintendent Nigel Russell expressed more serious concerns over the nature of the road protest and the associated safety risk. He said: “While we appreciate Fathers 4 Justice feel they have an important message… it cannot be right to endanger other people’s lives to make their point.” Campaigner Andy James was confident in the success of the protest and promised more action: “You can be assured there will be a lot more events.”

PROTEST: Fathers for Justice last Sunday

What’s in a name? Down in By Ross Whittam Reporter

AFTER A YEAR of negotiations the Millennium stadium is seeking a sponsor for naming rights to the ground. This is a result of the Welsh Rugby Union being in £55m of debt. The agreement took some time to finalise as the two main creditors, Barclays

Bank and BT had to be consulted. WRU chief executive David Moffett said: “This agreement will allow us a level of financial certainty that has not been in place since the Millennium Stadium opened in 1999.” As part of the agreement, any sponsorship deal has to ensure the name Millennium remains in the title. Despite this the union is expected to

THE MILLENNIUM STADIUM: A rose by any other name

make in excess of £20m by renaming the stadium.The name change follows the lead of many other sports grounds which have been renamed to generate additional revenue. The Welsh Rugby Union have also revealed that that they have received a Millennium Commission grant to erect a short-hall arena that will allow smaller sized concerts to be staged.

the mumps

By Alexandra Fry Reporter STUDENTS IN Wales are at risk from mumps following outbreaks at the University of Wales Swansea Last week health officials confirmed students at Swansea and dozens of pupils in three Comprehensive Schools had been struck down causing fears of an epidemic. In 2002, there were only 83 confirmed cases. But in 2003, this figure leapt to 453. By the end of June this year, 249 cases have already been detected, 70 cases in Swansea alone. Along with Neath and Port Talbot, Swansea has the lowest uptake in Wales of the combined Measles, Mumps and Rubella vaccine. But throughout Wales, the number of children being immunised with the MMR vaccine has dropped since its introduction in 1988, mainly due to its alleged link with autism. Dr Richard Roberts, a consultant in communicable disease control at the National Public Health Service said: "Looking at the UK as a whole, we are close to the epidemic threshold for measles. And mumps has exploded since late 2002. There has been a huge

increase in secondary schools in Wales and it will continue." He explained the high incidence of mumps is in teenagers and young people who were too old to receive the MMR vaccine in 1988. Mumps is caused by a contagious virus, transmitted through airborne droplets from the coughs and sneezes of infected people. It takes around 1621 days between coming into contact with an infected person, and symptoms developing. Symptoms include swelling of one or both of the salivary glands that become painful. This creates the characteristic ‘hamster’ appearance of a swollen face, particularly just below and in front of the ear. The swelling lasts for between 4 and 8 days. Cardiff University is working closely with the Department of Public Health to ensure students receive the best advice. If you are aged between 18 and 25, check with your GP to see if you are fully protected. Immunisation is the only sure prevention. If you believe you may have mumps, have it confirmed by your GP and try and prevent its spread by staying in your accommodation for at least five days

World News

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A MILITARY COUP IS NOT ADVISED

By Jemma Gander Reporter

THE BRITISH government is facing possible international humiliation over the attempted coup in Equatorial Guinea. Jack Straw is being pressured to make a statement to parliament in response to documents leaked to the Observer this week revealing that both British and American intelligence knew exact details about the coup plot as early as 2003. The West African country has become extremely rich in off-shore oil in recent years, attracting foreign investment from American and British firms. American companies now dominate oil exports in the small country. If proven that the British government had been sent warnings of the coup they could have contravened international law and UN Convention by not warning the Equatorial Guinean

MARK THATCHER: awaiting trial

leader, Mr Obiang. Peter Mandelson, now an MEP, has been implicated in the foiled coup along with Mark Thatcher, the exPrime Minister’s son, as part of a larger group of British coup financiers led by the ex SAS Officer, Simon Mann. Mann and his mercenary soldiers were arrested in March after being caught with ammunition at Harare air-

port. Both Thatcher and Mandelson deny any connection or involvement in the attempted coup, and Mandelson denies offering assistance to Eli Calil, a key player in the plot. New evidence has emerged against Mark Thatcher, as files found by the police on Simon Mann’s computer containing detailed plans of the coup

were addressed to Thatcher. The secret memo to Mr Thatcher emphasises the importance of secrecy concerning his involvement in the coup. Mr Mann continues to state American oil Companies: “must be made to believe very fast that the thing is in their interest; their staff safe; and that we are very powerful,” the Observer reported on Sunday. The new documents raise suspicion as to the reasons behind the British government’s action or inaction throughout the event. The British government have been accused of ignoring UN Conventions in place of cradling commercial interests. Nick Du Toit, a South African arms dealer, was jailed last week for 34 years for providing ammunition and organising the mercenary soldiers for the coup. Mark Thatcher remains on bail in Cape Town, South Africa, until his trial date in April. JACK STRAW

Weah is attempting to achieve the ultimate goal of becoming Liberian President. Mr Weah played for an array of top football clubs, including Monaco, Paris St Germain, AC Milan, Chelsea and Manchester City. He won Fifa World player of the year in 1995. The talented striker revealed he was answering a petition to be elected as president, while beginning his campaign for the next poll in October 2005. Thousands of supporters greeted the 38-year old star as he returned home, demonstrating a slogan ‘the people’s choice.’ Liberia is currently reeling due to the devastation of war, and the next President must retain peace and unite a divided nation. There is no shortage of candidates for the forthcoming election as 35 individuals and 18 parties will participate. Nevertheless Weah is a firm favourite according to diplomats based

in the capital Monrovia. The superstar has been a Unicef ambassador for several years, attempting to tackle the spread of HIV. He has also appealed for the rehabilitation of many former child soldiers without work. Weah was also hailed as ‘African Pride’ by Nelson Mandela, and has a great deal of support from the Liberian people. If he is appointed President it may mark another step in a political shift of emphasis. Popularity plays a huge part in becoming a popular candidate, and Schwarzenegger, due to a successful acting career, had the funds available to mount a large-scale and effective campaign. It remains to be seen whether Mr Weah can expand on his political agenda and become Liberian President, but ‘people power’ is becoming more crucial in the current political spectrum. Mr Weah has limited formal educa-

tion and little political experience, but the crowd is a powerful asset. Weah isn’t the first footballer to turn ‘celebrity politician’ since the turn of the century, as the current Turkish Prime Minister, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, used to play professional football.

EQUATORIAL GUINEA: the economic benefits of an oil-rich country

Football star bids to be face of Liberia

By Dave Menon Reporter WHEN ARNOLD Schwarzenegger was named as the Governor of California in late 2003, the ‘celebrity politician’ became firmly placed on the map. A similar story has now developed, as international footballer George

GEORGE WEAH: Ambitious

World News Round-up By Paul Dicken News Editor THE PEOPLE of the Philippines are fleeing a second typhoon and string of devastating storms at the end of this week. Figures estimate that over 400 people have died in the island region during recent days as storms swept over coastal areas. The main island of Luzon has seen the most damage from flooding and landslides, with the situation deteriorating as aid is hampered in its efforts to reach people by strong winds. Up to 200 people are thought to be missing. The damage caused to roads, bridges, phone-masts and electricity lines in eastern regions making rescue attempts inceasingly precarious as Typhoon Nanmadol approaches. The prospect of military conflict between two African countries was broached in the media as Rwandan troops crossed the border into the neighbouring Congo. The UN peacekeeping mission in the Congo said that Rwandan troops, vehicles and camps had been spotted in eastern areas. The Rwandan authorities are in pursuit of rebels from the country who have taken refuge in the war-torn area of Congo. The area saw intense military disruption in the late 1990s as government forces pursued rebel milita who were responsible for the genocidal killing of 500,000 people from Tutsis and moderate Hutu tribes. The Rwandan government has criticised the Congo and the UN for failing to disarm the Interahamwe Hutu rebels, while the Congolese government argued Rwanda’s intentions related to economic gain and attempts to control the mineral rich area of the Congo. On December 3 1984 thousands of people died from a lethal gas leak at Bhopal, India. Commemorations marking the 20th anniversary of the tragedy have begun in India. A candlelit vigil is being held on Thursday outside the factory that remains an environmental disaster zone. Nearly 3,000 people died when 40 tonnes of methyl isocynate gas escaped from the site 20 years ago. The government have said they will begin a survey of the site. A state minister told AFP news agency that it will begin a clean-up of the factory owned by US company Dow Chemicals, owner of the subsidary company Union Carbide who ran the chemical plant in 1984. EU troops moved into BosniaHercogovina to replace Nato forces in the country. The 7,000 Eufor troops will be deployed in the country to keep up the program of sustaining stability nine years after the Bosnian war. Ukranian protestors who have braved the eastern chill of central Europe seem closer to a resolution. Negotiators moved into the Ukraine to try to ease the deadlock after presidential elections were thrown into turmoil. More on the Ukraine Page 13

Geordie

December 06 2004

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Geordie You know it makes sense

Democracy: Government of the cretins, by the cretins for the cretins

And the creed and the colour and the name don’t matter

s the other writers and I toil at our computer screens, there is a celebration occurring elsewhere in the Union - the culmination of a day of protest by various universities’ unions against variable tuition fees. Personal opinion aside (just for now), my initial feelings regarding demonstrations against tuition fees and in favour of fox-hunting were along the lines of “our democratically elected government has made a democratic decision; they represent the wishes of the people of this country; why are you protesting?” (For the record, I have no problem with variable tuition fees and I think the only bad thing about fox-hunting is that foxes don’t taste very nice.)

fortnight ago, gair rhydd received a letter from a gentleman regaling us with the tale of his less-than-satisfactory dealings with the local constabulary. The incident he described involved criminal damage to his girlfriend’s car, and the police failed to act. The correspondent was angered by the implication by the police that had the crime been racist or homophobic, they would have dealt with it differently, saying “why should the motive of a crime have an effect on the way the police tackle it, or the way it is punished?” Crimes are more or less serious, however, depending on intent. An offence directed against a person is intrinsically more wrong, morally, than a crime against property. For example, if a shop is robbed because the owner belongs to a particular ethnic group with the specific intention of causing said shopkeeper distress, this is much more heinous than if the same shop is targeted because an individual feels that he needs to resort to crime for financial reasons. Both Osama bin Laden and Robin Hood are, essentially, terrorists. Perpetrators of hate crimes are also more likely to reoffend: although I obviously can’t say for sure in this case, such incidences of criminal damage are more often than not the result of the kind of out-of-character tomfoolery to which many of us can fall foul after one too many Stellas. I’ve certainly done things whilst under the influence that I’m deeply ashamed of and would not usually cross my mind. Offences of a racist or homophobic nature, on the other hand, rarely happen in isolation. Like most violent crime, they often start small and escalate in severity and frequency. This was evident on a national level in Nazi Germany: persecution of minority groups such as Jews started with the relatively minor enforced wearing of the yellow star, moved through compulsory sterilisation of the disabled and unemployable and culminated in the obscenity of the Holocaust (or Sho’at to be less politiLoony cally incorrect). Maybe the idiot that caused damage to the car in question will progress – vans next month, then moving on to lorries – but I doubt it. The author of the letter to which I refer later states that, “if someone […] were to assault me for allegedly being a Nazi, then should that not logically carry the same penalty as some cretin that goes queer-bashing on account that he doesn’t like gays?” Maybe, maybe not. Homosexuals or members of any minority group have never done anyone any harm simply by virtue of being what they are. Nazis, on the other hand, invented industrialised mass murder. Anybody who believes that this is acceptable is without doubt a Bad Person. I’m not condoning Nazibashing, but I do think it’s more understandable to hate somebody for who they are (their views etc) than for what they are. The mention of beliefs naturally brings religion into the debate, and I can almost hear cries of: “is he saying beating someone up because of their Fundamentally wrong religion is okay?” Well, of course not. It’s not only profoundly stupid, but also a breach of the Equal Opportunities policy. As in the above example, belonging to any particular religious group does not inherently make anybody a better or worse person. All of the world’s religions are generally peaceful in nature, with the possible exception of Satan-worshipping, but to be honest I’d have to check. Fundamentalism, however, is a different matter entirely. Osama and President Bush, as Islamic and Christian-fundamentalists respectively, see the world only in their own ideas of right and wrong, black and white, and refuse to accept that anyone else’s perspective could be as valid as their own: they are fundamentally intolerant. And I will leave you until next term with a poem to contemplate: Roses are red-ish, violets are blue-ish, if it wasn’t for Jesus, we’d all be Jewish.

Democritus had the idea that everyone should get involved However, it was soon pointed out that while our Members of Parliament are supposed to represent the wishes of the population of their constituency, they do not always do so. On such issues as foxhunting the men and women that are supposed to be our voice in the House of Commons all too often vote with their conscience. At the same time, on matters such as the Iraq war or tuition fees, the Whip is applied unsparingly: MPs vote how the cabinet tells them too, risking their careers with rebellion. So much for government of the

people, by the people and for the people. But at the same time, is the general population of the UK qualified to have a say in every aspect of how it is run? It’s not an entirely unfair claim to make that many in this country are cretins. Many of a close friend’s housemates failed to name, on request, the leaders of the three main political parties of which parliament is composed – one even forgetting about the existence of the Liberal Democrats (the obvious merits of doing so notwithstanding). If the ratification of the EU constitution goes to a referendum, it will almost certainly not be passed because far too many people take far too much notice to what the front page of The Sun says. Let’s not forget that in Germany Adolf Hitler was elected by a popular vote. In the words of Craig Charles, “Back in prehistory, leadership was established via an ability to hit an opponent over the head with a bone. This form of meritocratic government was simple, efficient and hard to argue with unless you wanted a seriously bad headache. Things were fine for millennia until Democritus had the bright idea that everyone should get involved in the running of things and it all went downhill from there. “By the late twentieth century, politics had degenerated into a promisocracy, whereby the politician who made the most ludicrously optimistic promises was voted into power and thereafter hated by everyone for his or her complete inability to deliver the heaven on Earth he or she had promised.” His comments were obviously intended not to be taken entirely seri-

ously, but Mr Charles is correct nonetheless: present-day politics is rubbish. Are there any viable alternatives? In the past many of our Monarchs took far too much advantage and eventually led us into the state we’re in now. Various dictatorships around the world have been

Democracy is terrible form of government, but it’s better than the alternatives nothing but pure and simple tyranny. Plato (the philosopher that invented the plate) envisaged a state run by what were essentially benevolent dictators – the ‘Guardian’ class of citizen-soldiers that would be trained and educated to rule from childhood. This is as open to corruption as any other autocratic system, and wouldn’t leave much room for fun. So are we really that badly off? As was pointed out by a former Prime Minister, democracy is a terrible form of government, but it’s better than any of the alternatives. Reform of the House of Commons that saw the restriction of the Whip would make the system more like an actual democracy – in ancient Athens each citizen voted on each issue, but Britain is far too large for that. There is, of course, still the cretin factor (Daily Mail readers: this means you), but hopefully common sense will prevail.

Be dictated to by politicians or listen to the opinion of morons? Tough call.

Complain to me by email at GRcolumnist.cf.ac.uk. Praise me in person. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

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gair rhydd

Free Words Union energy

mid all the demo action it’s easy to overlook another important campaign in Cardiff – People and Planet’s Go Green movement. Last year, the society successfully ran a campaign to get the university to switch to using a green electricity supplier – this year they aim to go one better and get the university to produce a clear policy statement on its impact on the environment. This statement would send out a clear message to other top universities and would place Cardiff firmly at the forefront of good green practice. Given that the College of Medicine has such an excellent track record on environmental matter, this university has a fantastic amount of information available to it on the topic and knows exactly what it needs to do should it aspire to reach the same level. There is no reason why the university should put off producing a coherent green strategy any longer. This is a real chance for Cardiff as an institution to show it cares about our future, which is why gair rhydd completely supports People and Planet’s campaign.

Freeze top-up fees

James Emtage’s Student Stereotypes Hew: the superly splendid rower

ew is officially a rowing addict. Ever since his first taster session at prep school, he has been obsessed with the sport, and is now the Cardiff club captain. Out on the waters at five am, he and his club members can easily be spotted for the rest of the day wearing their team jackets, publicising to the world the fact that THEY ARE ROWERS. There’s only one other thing that matches the degree of importance Hew attaches to his beloved sport; his fitness. Well, that and looking good in Lycra. "It’s all about the skin tight look, streamlined and efficient, and works a

treat with the ladies, (if you know what I mean…)". ‘The ladies’ are as much a part of the six weekly sessions as anything, turning out at first light in ridiculously short hot pants, swooning over bulging biceps while pretending to be serious sportswomen who are really in it for the adrenaline of the race. It’s a taboo to ever mention the fact that half of them have never even competed in a race, let alone built up enough strength to even carry an oar. Hew does that for them you see. What a charmer. He takes it all very seriously. As a regular at Park Place Fitness, he’s always popping into the gym, for which

he dons a rather more casual look of old rugby shorts and school sports socks. To him, image is everything: regular glances are made in mirrors to ensure the pumped up sportsman look is there. The boy could have done a module in how to maximise the use of a sweat towel. It’s always a competition for Hew and his team mates: who can bench the most; who can chin the most; who can sweat the most… who can drink lots of beer and pull lots of women the most. In fact, considering the bunch of finely tuned athletes that they claim to be, they do put their bodies through their paces come Wednesday night in Duck.

After dishing out the weeks worth of fines ("remember that time that John dropped the oar... pint for you old chum, ho ho"), Hew and his comrades toast their beloved Matty Pinsent and his well-earned retirement - oh how they all strive to be like him one day. Just not this exact day mind. As the night goes on, and after nearly twelve pints of consumption, Hew could be mistaken for a slobbering darts player wearing beer goggles. Lucky really, considering the treat he’s taking home tonight. Interested in joining Hew and his team? Tuesday and Thursday nights, Talybont. Lycra girls only please.

Native American Nightmare Bethany Whiteside

he end of November heralds a national celebration for the American nation in the form of Thanksgiving Day. As proclaimed by the American media, it is a time for holiday parades, Indian corn, giant balloons and pumpkin pies to be consumed by a country where 65.4% of American adults are classified overweight or obese. Christians give thanks to God for the survival of the first pilgrims who endured the terrible first two years in a new land. Children learn of the pictureperfect image of Native Americans and Pilgrims united in feasting around a camp fire.

The First Thanksgiving Proclamation was issued in 1676. Thanks was not given to the Wampanoag tribe, without whom the settlers would never have survived, but to God for ‘giving us… many signal Advantages against them [the Native Americans]…. It certainly bespeaks our positive Thankfulness, when our Enemies are in any measure disappointed or destroyed.’ It appears unknown to many people that these so called ‘enemies’ are not Indians but Native Americans. Don’t insult them further by continuing to use the name attributed to them by Christopher Columbus who thought he had landed in India. Since this time, destruction has systematically been waged on the Native

Americans and atrocities such as The Indian Removal Act of 1830 have been ignored. The Act resulted in the enforced evacuation of more than 15,000 Cherokee by the U.S. Army from their homelands to concentration camps for the summer (it wasn’t the Nazi’s who invented them). This was followed by forced travel of a 1,000 miles through the harsh autumn and winter to designated ‘Indian’ territories in Oklahoma. Over 4,000 died from this enforced removal; the journey "Nunahi-DunaDlo-Hilu-I" translates to "Trail Where they Cried." In the America of today, Native Americans have, on national average, the highest suicide rate, highest infant

mortality rate, highest unemployment, most inadequate health care and poorest housing. On the reservations the life expectancy of Native Americans is 44 years old, 30 years less than for the average white American. Furthermore, $2.4 billion has been ‘lost’ by the BIA (Bureau of Indian Affairs). This money was appropriated by the American Government for Native American causes. The true meaning and cause of Thanksgiving Day has been obscured by a nation who wishes to forget the atrocities they, their ancestors and our ancestors have committed, however indirectly. The American Dream truly always has, and may always continue to be a Native American nightmare.

he war against top-up fees may have been lost in England but the fight is very much still alive in Wales. For NUS, taking the National Demonstration to Cardiff was a brave move in one respect, but the only move in another. The strength of feeling and the passion from the students present showed that this is one issue that won’t go away. The message was loud and clear – no top-up fees. Not today, not tomorrow and not ever. As Cardiff came to a standstill, the politicians in both the Welsh Assembly and Westminster had plenty to think about. With such a large potential student voting population, many could be looking at the end of their political careers come election time. There is still a long way to go, with plenty more skirmishes ahead. But today, Gary Rees and his counterparts in NUS can survey the aftermath of the battle with a deep feeling of satisfaction.

A licensed licence?

f the government is convinced that twenty-four hour drinking is a good thing then why on earth do local authorities feel the need to have field hospitals in Cardiff over Christmas? This mixed message implies that there is a massive binge-drinking problem while claiming we, as a society, are mature enough to handle all-day drinking. The licensing laws need a overhaul, but they also need a more coherent and well-thought through strategy.

Megan Conner’s

ROOM 101

f your Granny’s ever told you that the worst thing about alcohol is the damage it does to your liver, tell her she’s wrong. It’s definitely the hangover. It’s something Granny wouldn’t know about when she’s baking her apple pies and listening to the latest news report about binge drinking on the ‘wireless’. It’s something that should definitely go into Room 101. It all starts far too early in the morning with a dry mouth and a nauseous feeling. Tossing and turning in bed. Lots of beer swooshing around in your belly and the need to release some gas. A gentle breath outwards, or maybe even a burp, and your boyfriend/girlfriend is already

complaining that you’ve got morning breath. Which reminds you, you had a kebab last night. You try and hold in more gas to avoid seriously putting them off some potential morning action (if you can face it yourself) and look in the mirror. Utter trampishness. There really is no point in getting up. Half an hour in the shower fiddling with the temperature dial is the last thing you want to do right now and if you’re going to look minging, you may as well hide under the duvet. So you stay in bed, waste the day and try to block out the pain. Next door puts some music on; they stayed in last night and are doing some early morning revision. On the other side

there’s a suspicious banging noise. She’s either beating him up or getting some action - you can’t decide. All you know is that everybody is livelier than you and is seizing the day just like your Granny always told you to do. The pang of hunger is really insistent now and it might be an idea to have a little wee, let some of the alcohol out of your system. You know that some juice and a pasta salad would be the best thing for you right now but there’s only flat Cola Crush on the side and dried lettuce in a kebab box. The eggs and sausages emerge from the fridge and you realise the true meaning of hangover - the extra folds of skin that are hanging over your PJ bottoms right now.

A quick look at the mobile and a groan. Flatmate one is in a mood with you because you left her behind in the club when you ‘went to the toilet’ last night and your course friend is in the library. A message from Granny with a few curious words that might be regarding Christmas. Perhaps teaching her how to use predictive text on your old pay-as-you-go was a step too far. And so the day consists of nothing but eating lots, sleeping lots and moaning lots. At eight o’clock it’s time to go to work, but you’ve seriously got the hangover blues. Your life is a mess and you don’t know if you can stomach pouring out alcohol to the binge drinkers of Cathays. After all, they’ll only do their liver in.

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At the heart of the NHS As thousands Iistlessly await NHS treatment, Natasha Murray explains why all is not well with the health service

his morning, I was on a ward round with the consultant in General Medicine at Llandough Hospital, Cardiff. During this three or so hours, the consultant, 37 and dare I say, greying prematurely, spent much longer than his NHS time quota with patients, several of whom I had come to recognise as apparent permanent features on the ward.

“staff become bored and disillusioned ” As ‘Nightingale’ wards in old hospitals such as Llandough are long, exposed, and allow for little, or no privacy, the atmosphere was taking on an ominously rebellious air. The doctor went from bed to bed explaining to each of the heart patients that, as Llandough has no cardiology department, they would have to wait another two weeks to be seen at the local teaching hospital three miles away for a routine angiogram. The luckier few would only have to wait until next week for an exercise test (the treadmill had broken down), but other, less fortunate souls on the ward would have to wait until the ultrasound scanner was fixed for important investigations. Only one patient was given leave to go home, a 60-year-old gentleman with polycystic kidneys whose incarceration had lasted a mere fortnight; his jubilant smile said it all. The consultant sat down with the patients (actually, two or three at a time to save his voice) and answered their questions: what if I self discharge and go for the investigation as an outpatient? To which he told them that then it would take six months to get to the top of the list instead of the possible two to three weeks if he remained a priority inpatient.

One man even went so far as to ask if it would it be any quicker if he had another heart attack? This is the grim reality of the medical service provided in South Wales. Doctors and nurses train for years to end up doling out the address of the local Assembly Member so patients can pass their time on the wards writing letters of complaint, whilst blocking beds and wishing they were home. The consultant would risk negligence charges if he were to discharge them without more thorough investigation and something were to go amiss. For medical students like me, this is no way to learn about healthcare,

ing, as all patients would be under the same waiting list and the equipment needed already on site, thus decreasing pressure on hospital transport. Recently a terminally ill young woman at Velindre Oncology Hospital was taken home in a taxi for which she was later billed, as there were no ambulances available for her. In these smaller hospitals, any patient with an interesting case, a rare or difficult to diagnose condition, is quickly shipped to the local teaching hospital. Staff become bored and disillusioned, and patient care suffers as a result. Larger hospitals have the advantage of having many pioneering minds under the same roof, and so the

ders. Crucially, in an emergency, ‘time to treatment’ duration is critical in the outcome of conditions such as bacterial sepsis and pulmonary emboli. However, several years ago, a previously fit and healthy young man was admitted in Aberystwyth with meningococcal septicaemia. He died three days later, his death contributed to, in part, by a lack of equipment at his local hospital, and due to the three hours it took to transport him to the nearest appropriate hospital, Morriston, in Swansea. This factor of distance is particularly relevant in Wales, which has a large rural community in areas such as Powys,

ed and cold; places in which people suffer and die in public view. Luckily, I do believe that South Wales has the answer: the Princess of Wales Hospital, Bridgend and the Royal Glamorgan Hospital, Llantrisant are well-organised, selfcontained units built within the last ten years. They service the local community, so that families don’t have to travel far to see their loved ones and are small enough to be personable.

“the grim

reality of the medical service”

but more importantly, no way to treat our sick. To me there is something distinctly wrong with the stagnation of the medical wards in British hospitals. Should smaller, decrepit hospitals like Llandough, which lack basic equipment and even whole specialities be closed down in favour of ‘mega-hospitals’, newly equipped, with well-qualified doctors and thousands of beds? This would reduce the bed block-

possibility of revolutionary treatments and fresh outcomes is increased. Larger hospitals have better facilities for staff training and are cheaper to run on the economy of scale. However, smaller and cottage hospitals provide an essential local resource. For patients living out of the city, fewer, but larger hospitals would mean long journeys for appointments, likely to increase the already high number of non-atten-

Pembrokeshire and Ceredigion not serviced by many hospitals. There is no escaping the fact that smaller hospitals, such as Llandough and Bronglais in Aberystwyth, get neglected as regards to funding for new equipment and building renovation. Studies have shown that more relaxed, less anxious patients contract less post-operative infections and recover more quickly from their illnesses. But these wards are dilapidat-

The staff are happy and provide good patient care, but the hospitals are large enough to be well-equipped and modern. They don’t rely on the local behemoth of the University of Wales Hospital but for the most exceptional cases, and even help reduce the waiting lists at other hospitals. BBC Wales recently reported somewhat detrimentally for the local NHS trust, on a woman from Cardiff who had had an eight month wait for a mammography scan. Bridgend breast specialists stepped in to ease the waiting list burden in this incidence. These small, functional hospitals are a pleasure for my fellow medical students, allowing a wide and continually changing range of patients from whom to learn, they offer a pleasant training atmosphere, and very importantly, enthusiastic teachers who instill in us a passion for medicine. But most importantly, they make the experience of illness, and of hospitals in general, more comfortable and less stressful for the people of Wales. I urge the Welsh Assembly, and the British government to produce other healthcare centres in this mould.

library is topping my list. I’m not being specific to the claustrophobic labyrinth of Bute (although I reluctantly visit that one the most), but to libraries in general. Sure, they are a place to work, get information and search (for around three days on Voyager; three further days on foot) for the books you desperately need. But why, can I plead with you, do they have to have the most serious, uncomfortable, there’s-five-minutes-of-myexam-left-and-my-page-is-blank, atmosphere about them? But no, I hear you cry. The silence has a purpose. Maybe so, but there’s so much constant emphasis on the need to be quiet, nailed into our heads by the

thousands of ‘NO TALKING/ NO MOBILES/ NO REMOTE SIGNS OF PERSONALITY’ posters, that it inevitably means I’m ultra-sensitive to everything going on around me. What would otherwise be just normal sounds, like the frequent phone vibrations, rustling of crisp packets and the rattley space bar tapping – are suddenly the most irritating noises in the world. Everyone is straining to concentrate and, as a result, nobody can. You’ll be stupidly distracted by the slightest finger-drumming, mouse clicking and the two who are whispering so loudly that you can hear the entire story of last night’s shag fest whether they mutter or shout it.

Admittedly, the headache-inducing atmosphere (enhanced by the room temperature of your average sauna) wouldn’t be so bad if we could go in, grab a book and run out. Gutted am I that I have to queue (silently, always silently) for a computer, sit swivelling on my chair for a good 20 minutes while I wait for Network Applications to kick in, and avoid setting off the frighteningly loud beepers should I dare take one step past the barrier with a short loan book in my hand. So I sit there restlessly and uncomfortably, resisting the urge to scream and listening to the constant whirr of the printer spouting out two copies of everything, double spaced, (don’t even get me

started on that money-milking scheme). I’m sure that if you took away the intense seriousness, the impossible task of complete and utter silence and the security that’s tighter than Heathrow, it’d be much easier to get on. Okay, the payment machine will still always be busy (or broken, should your deadline be five minutes away), the book you want will still never be there, and the 24-hour library will eternally have that hot stench of lingering B.O. I’m sure, however, that the relaxed, calmer atmosphere would make me feel much less like a lab monkey with a headache and much more like a working student.

As Björk said: it’s oh so quiet... Charissa Coulthard

ollowing the sudden surge of essays that came rushing in (and I hear the cursing from people who aren’t doing ‘Mickey Mouse’ Journalism and have had a shitload of work from the start of term), I’ve spent far too much time in a place I truly can’t stand – the library. Although I know of many other annoying matters which deserve my attention: egg sandwiches, parma violets (those evil purple party-bag sweets that taste of perfume) and the ignorant who need constant reminding that my name is not Clarissa, right now, the

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Variable fees not certain says Education Minister Daniel Ashcroft speaks exclusively to Jane Davidson about the future of higher education and what it means for students in Wales

n an exclusive interview with gair rhydd, Welsh Education Minister, Jane Davidson, has spoken directly to the student body concerning the proposed variable fees. Hitting back against claims that decisions on variable fees have already been passed by the Welsh Assembly, Ms Davidson stated: "We’ve not made a decision about the introduction of variable fees, that’s why we wait for independent evidence." Such evidence comes in the form of the Rees Review, chaired by Professor Teresa Rees; the controversial figure whom the gair rhydd highlighted last week in an article headto-head with Union President Gary Rees. Rees described the issue as "the most important students in Wales have ever faced".

Ms Davidson continued: "Clearly people would prefer politicians to support their lobby cause, and I fully understand that. However, if I wasn’t determined to get the best for Wales I would’ve accepted the recommendations under the Higher Education Act as it went through Parliament."

“Competition for places in Welsh universities is likely to heighten in 2006” ed

If the Welsh Assembly had acceptthe recommendations under

HITTING BACK: Davidson denies claims that a decision has been made on fees

Parliament, 2006 would have the variable fees introduced into Wales as well as England. However, the Education Minister was quick to curb such an idea: "We will not introduce variable fees in Wales in their first year of introduction in England. We want the chance to have a look at whether or not it is an appropriate system to use for us here, or whether other options need to be looked at." One of these ‘other options’ comes in the form of a little-talkedabout graduate tax. This is an idea used in Australia, which ensures that only those who actually graduate from their degree scheme benefit from being taxed. Such an idea would work on percentage of income rather than a fixed fee, whilst ensuring that the system would be fair for students from all backgrounds. Ms Davidson argued that "It’s perfectly fair to ask students to pay something in terms of having a higher education experience. They benefit from it; their salaries are higher and there’s plenty of evidence to say that. However, it shouldn’t be paid in front of the experience, it should be paid after the experience". Such thoughts are likely to be met in angst by Student Union President Gary Rees, who last week pronounced that: "top up fees are not the answer; they give universities too much corporate power." Many echo Gary’s views, particularly in light of the fact that more esteemed universities will be prone to charging severely inflated tuition fees. This will not just affect England, but in theory Cardiff, too, as a primary institute for higher education learning within Wales. The Minister insisted that "a key component of the variable fee is giving the [education] sector itself more money. It’s up to the Rees Report to tell us early enough how much is required subsequently so students can clearly know before they go to university in 2006." Action against variable fees comes just months after Parliament introduced the maintenance allowance as

an incentive for sixth form students to enhance their education. A £30 aper week incentive to entice those who wish to be elsewhere into continuing for a further two years. This is more than half of what the average undergraduate spends per week.

2006 Across England and Wales, 2006 promises to be a challenging and eventful year, and not necessarily for the better for higher education. With variable fees certain to be in place across English learning institutions, Welsh students could find themselves financially confined to home universities such as Cardiff and Aberystwyth, in order to avoid paying the extra fees involved. This is regardless of whether they choose the course that best suits them.

“It’s perfectly fair to ask students to pay something towards their higher education” Ms Davidson proclaimed: "It’s difficult to say whether students will choose to stay within Wales. Our current profile says that around 60% of Welsh students choose to stay here, but that still leaves a huge cross-border percentage." Critically, competition for places within Welsh universities is likely to heighten in 2006, as English students similarly apply to Welsh universities on the basis of much lower costs. The Minister was still convinced that "people will still want to make decisions based on the universities they want to study at". The underlying factor here is that with more students almost certainly

applying to Welsh universities, a catch 22 situation arises whereby the Welsh Assembly may be forced to introduce variable fees just to level the playing field and thereby decrease interest in Welsh learning institutions. In the long term, home students could find themselves pushed out due to fierce course competition; a factor that altogether might appeal to university faculties looking to elevate standards.

Compromise One of the key issues that had been discussed in parallel to the introduction of variable fees was the introduction of a fees grant, aimed at those of a lower income background. Ms Davidson said: "I am extremely pleased with the new proposals of the £2,700 grant, along with the minimum bursary from institutions of £300, meaning any student who was to go to England, from a low income background would be covered concerning tuition fees." Unfortunately, at this moment in time, the Assembly proposals for such an initiative are not set in place. Additionally, the Assembly’s plans do not cater for those students’ families who fall in between the threshold of ‘lower income’, and middle-to-upper class, therefore leaving a huge majority group unresolved. This is yet another issue that will cause controversy in many sectors. Even with the success of the NUS National march, and the intervention of key educational personnel into opposing variable fees, the future for the Welsh higher learning process still lies unresolved. The long-term state of Welsh education in collaboration with the English system in particular needs to be discussed in the forthcoming academic year. On key question still remains; would it be better to come to a short term resolution to avoid the uncertainty that is deterring potentially some of our brightest academics from entering into higher education?

A failure to take advantage of democracy Caleb Woodbridge

olitical apathy is rife. Despite widespread discontent with the Labour government on a whole range of alltoo-familiar issues, at the moment there appears to be slim prospect of Tony Blair and friends being evicted from Downing Street come the next election. What’s going on here? I’d hazard a guess that one of the underlying reasons is that politicians seem to chase power over principles. Rather than fighting to be able to implement policies based on ideals that they believe in, politicians now

seem to cobble together a collection of promises simply calculated to draw in the most votes.

“Can you even tell what the basis is for their policies?” Unfortunately, like when broadcasters seek to grab ratings, this results in increasingly bland and low common denominator fare being on offer, and no real choice for the viewer or the voter. Politicians now seem to change their policies to fit

the minds of the voters, rather than seeking to changing the minds of the voters to support their policies. When was the last time Blair and Howard debated over the core values of Labour and Conservatism? Can you even tell what the basis is for their policies, other than one-upmanship? I know that I’m having a hard time telling. The trouble is, if everyone seeks to please the same largest portion of the population, then they will all end up saying more or less the same kind of thing. The possibility of effectively challenging the status quo becomes very difficult, since there is no-one to vote for who will be very different.

Without a wide variety of strongly held beliefs, we lose the dynamic edge of debate and representation of different views that should characterise a democracy. Instead, we get a dull, insipid apology for discussion and constant posturing from political leaders. Sound familiar?

“Effectively challenging the status quo becomes very difficult” So what can we do? Give up, sit

back and hope it will get better? No. Being in a democracy, we have the right to get involved; unless we take up those rights, we have no right to complain if it goes wrong. Let’s get in there: at the most basic level, just get out and vote. Let’s also lobby our politicians to demand from them dynamic and distinctive principles and policies to chose between. Unfortunately, the system does have flaws and that is all the more reason to become involved to try and improve it. It’s been said "In a democracy, the people get the government that they deserve, not the government that they need." Is this really what we deserve?

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gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Blair in the dock Daniel Stanton

ony Blair could be impeached for allegedly misleading the nation over the Iraq war, if a cross-party alliance of MPs gets its way. The group of more than 20 politicians have released the text of a motion which accuses Tony Blair of "making a mockery of the authority of Parliament". They plan to table it in the next session with the hope of holding a referendum to decide if he knowingly misled the nation. The report ‘A Case to Answer’ was co-funded by Plaid Cymru and has the support of 23 Conservative, Liberal Democrat, Scottish National Party and Independent politicians, including Boris Johnson and George

“If found guilty, the Prime Minister could be forced to resign” Galloway. The publication claims Blair knew from intelligence reports that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq but deliberately distorted the evidence in order to justify a war with Saddam Hussein. The report, available at

www.impeachblair.org, says: "It is simply unprecedented for a minister to refuse to resign in the face of such compelling evidence." Blair is accused of exaggerating the threat posed by Saddam and ignoring the findings of UN inspectors. The normal rules of debate in the House of Commons make it impossible to accuse the current Prime Minister of making misleading statements. As part of the impeachment process, a select committee would be set up to investigate whether Blair was guilty of gross misconduct. If found guilty, the Prime Minister could be forced to resign. At Plaid Cymru’s annual conference in September, Adam Price, the MP who commissioned the latest report, said Blair’s behaviour over Iraq had shown him to be "unfit for any office, let alone the highest office in the land". There have been four government inquiries into the intelligence used to justify the war with Iraq, all of which have cleared the Prime Minister. The war itself was deemed to be illegal by the UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, but no further action has been taken against Blair or Bush. There were also allegations that the government dossier of information on Iraq’s weapons capabilities had been ‘sexed up’ to make Saddam appear more of a threat. At the time, Blair claimed that Saddam was capable of releasing weapons of mass

BLAIR: Feeling the pressure destruction within 45 minutes. When UN weapons inspector Hans Blix visited Iraq, he was unable to find any evidence of any nuclear weapons and found that there had not been any there since the mid-1990s. The growing support for the impeachment motion is likely to be damaging to Blair ahead of the forthcoming General Election, due to be held in May next year. While the motion is unlikely to receive a majority vote, it could increase the pressure on Blair to withdraw British troops from Iraq. The recent redeployment of Black Watch to assist US troops in Fallujah was made without a Commons vote.

Iran could be next in line Andrew Mickel

ould it be possible that the same President that bought us the Iraq war is proposing to re-run the fun in Iran? In the current state of things, this seems crazy; there is no obvious release from the Iraqi quagmire, America’s international coalition feels like a distant memory, and the only possible reason to attack Iran at the moment is based on some shaky nuclear evidence. However, someone keeps pushing Iran back up the news agendathe first step towards getting the public on-side for any intervention. Today on tenbyten.org, a website that logs what the most used words are in the news at any one moment, 43 percent of entries pointed to Iran. The number hasn’t dipped much in the past fortnight. Whenever Iran seems to be falling off the edge of the agenda, it is pushed back up again. At the moment, it’s being held up there by the EU negotiations. However, it’s consistently been American government sources that have forced Iranian scare-mongering back up the agenda in recent weeks, with increasingly overblown and obsequious press coverage of often trivial developments. This isn’t some paranoid People and Planet rant: be it CIA or government-driven reports on often

inconsequential changes within the country, the American state as a whole is suddenly taking a clear interest in Iran. This isn’t necessarily a bad turn of events. There needs to be a real concern over Iran’s nuclear development. To some extent, the US has little choice but to indulge in some sabre-rattling. The big three of the EU, the UK, France and Germany, have admittedly done some good in achieving a freeze on nuclear enrichment programmes until the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) can move in to examine their developments more carefully. The fact is that Iran has a shaky, shadowy history when it comes to being open about its nuclear development. The diplomatic offensive of the EU, which admittedly is far better than the US is able to achieve, only manages to be so because it is backed up by the might of the US military. It is all very well for the EU to play the good cop, but it needs the US’s bad cop counterbalance. Together, they make a surprisingly potent combination out of exceptionally unfavourable governments and circumstance. If the country is acting to form, then Iran most probably has ultimate ambitions to develop nuclear weapons. It seems likely that Iran only complied with the IAEA to avoid UN economic sanctions this

November. Iran has such plentiful supplies of oil and natural gas that it has no need for nuclear power, and the risk of nuclear weapons are so great that sitting back and doing nothing is not an option. So is military intervention really a possibility? Iran is insistent that, against both Brussels’ and Washington’s wishes, it will not permanently halt nuclear development. As it is, the future orientation of this problem is dependent on both the Iranian attitude and how the re-elected American administration plan to take its foreign policy. The involvement of the EU so far has provided an effective meditative force, but the EU big three have yet to prove themselves to be effective in the long term in these kinds of situations. Already, Bush has pushed one secretive regime into throwing out all IAEA monitoring; North Korea is a far greater risk for it, and Iran could easily follow the same route. The situation could clearly go either way, and we are at a turning point now. Once again the EU has a chance to prove its mettle, but it will doubtlessly go to waste. The Bush administration also has another chance for a real de-escalation in Middle Eastern tensions that will also probably be squandered. If we continue to slide towards a new offensive with Iran, I don’t think that anyone is going to be surprised.

Tearing apart at the seams Dan Ridler and Birthe Bruhns

he Ukraine has seen an incredible piece of international and internal power politics played out on its plains this week. The two competitors, pro-western democratic Viktor Yushchenko and pro-Moscow authoritarian Viktor Yanukovych, have been hurling accusations at each other for almost two weeks now, and in that time an onlooking international audience has seen massive, yet peaceful protests constantly clogging Kiev’s streets. Erstwhile, the dramatic change of allegiance of the countries police forces late last week and the effectual shutting down of government for over ten days in Kiev is only slowly edging the country closer to a solution. But the west have been calling for new elections for over a week and were recently endorsed by the outgoing president Leonid Kutchma. I wonder, however, how much these new elections would achieve, aside from ensuring the democratic process takes its fair course? Ukraine is a country deeply divided at the heart, not just at the ballot box. In the west, a reasonably affluent, progressively westernised culture prevails; these are the grounds of Yushchenko, with cities such as Lviv returning over 90 percent of votes to his cause. In the east, however, we see a heavily industrialised primary sector society based around mining, with an ethnically and linguistically Russian population. Here, Yanukovych is the one with the huge majorities, easily

matching those of the west and clearly defining the country into two separate regions. Whoever wins, it seems a large proportion of the population is going to be deeply unhappy. This is not, as a certain female exPrime Minister would like us to believe, a new iron curtain descending on the continent. With western goals for democratic progression ingrained in the election result, and Russian forces placed on the eastern frontier of Ukraine ostensibly on a policing operation, there is certainly a fascinating international angle placed on the country at the moment.

“Ukraine is a country deeply divided at the heart” However, it is not one we might have seen 20 years ago. This is not an expansionist Soviet Union, but an isolationist and elitist Russia attempting to prevent western interference in its local and internal policies in a distinctly Tsarist fashion. This is certainly no allusion to a cold war. What it is is an example of a country tearing itself apart at the seams. It looks like the stitches might be repaired in time, but what will happen after the new election is still open to widespread speculation. Whatever happens in the next few weeks though, everyone in government office across the world should sit up and take heed; Ukraine might provide a crucial glimpse into the post-Soviet future.

Another fraudulent election win for President Bush? Will Carson

e are all too aware of the fiasco surrounding the election of George W. Bush in 2000. But what about the 2004 election? The media tells us that it was a legitimate election which Bush won both by popular vote and in the Electoral College. It seemed that the USA had spoken. However, it is worth considering a few vital points. Firstly, the computer-voting system used in 37 US states, including Pennsylvania, Ohio and Florida, has, on numerous occasions, been criticised by experts for not being secure or tamper-proof.

Reports emerging from the US claim electronic voting machines consistently registered votes when Kerry’s name was touched. Secondly, in Florida, the number of votes exceeded the maximum possible voter turnout by 237,522 votes, meaning a minimum of 3.1% of votes must be fraudulent. Thirdly, exit polls which have been reliable guidelines in all previous elections, were massively wrong. Finally, research shows that known Democratic areas of Florida voted overwhelmingly Republican. The question we must now ask is whether such large-scale fraud is plausible. Just looking at Bush’s track record, it all seems too likely.

USA: A legitimate or fraudulent win?

Media

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December 6 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

As seen on television With Christmas on its way, how do parents cope with pressure from their children wanting the latest ‘must-have’ toy as a present? By Charli Ferrand Media Correspondent IS IT JUST me, or does Christmas get earlier every year? Radio One’s Colin Murray launched a campaign to ban Christmas promotion and advertising until December 1. It seems that before we’ve even donned our Scream masks at Halloween or "ooohed" and "ahhed" at the fireworks on November 5, stores are getting out their lights, tinsel and "The Best Christmas songs ever…2004" albums. Saying that, I do love Christmas, and it’s nice that the warm and fuzzy feeling lasts a bit longer now. It’s not the fact that Christmas starts early that’s the problem. What really gets to me is that Christmas is no longer about religion or family or simple good times. It’s

“What happens if Santa just can’t afford it this year?” about how much money companies can make out of us. Not only that, we get sucked into it because Christmas only comes once a year, so we’d better make the most of it, right? As part of the government’s plan to

attack obesity issues in the UK, manufacturers and advertisers will be encouraged to agree a voluntary code of regulation that will prevent adverts directed at children before 9pm. But if you watch the adverts that circulate around children’s television, the problem at this time of the year is less the junk food, more the continually inyour-face toy adverts. Every single advert, from Action Man to Bratz and the endless stream of PS2 games (indecently, who thought it was a good idea to teach children that killing is fun?), makes the product appear irresistible. You can almost hear those screams of: "Mummy, I want Santa to bring me that!" Then there’s Santa; that amazing man who creates all these wonderful toys and delivers them to children on Christmas day, but only if you’ve been good, or so the story goes. So what happens when a child has been good all year and asks for the latest all-crying, all-pooping ‘real baby’ doll or a new super-fast-shiny-remotecontrolled mega truck that they saw on TV just after The Rugrats, but Santa just can’t afford this year? How does a parent explain to their very young child that they can’t have everything that appears to them on

their television screen? Is it true that we live in a consumerdriven society? We see adverts on television as normal, though perhaps annoying. It may come as a surprise then that out of fifteen European Countries, nine see advertising aimed at children to be so harmful that bans have been introduced.

Bratz: The doll every girl must own this christmas. In Greece, television advertisements for children’s toys are prohibited between seven in the morning and ten at night. Furthermore, in Sweden there is a ban on all advertising aimed at children under the age of twelve. On the other hand, advertising in France is seen as part of preparing children for adulthood in a consumer society. There is that word again, ‘consumer’. We are no longer members of the public, or even customers, we are consumers. What does that mean exactly? Shopper, buyer, purchaser, user, punter. Is that the only role we now have in society? There are some regulations on advertising in the United Kingdom. The Independent Television Commission (ITC) has created rules on advertising to children including one that states that adverts must not “exhort children to purchase or to ask their parent or other to make enquiries or purchase.” However, it is unclear how to enforce these vague rules. Adverts may not directly tell children to “get your parents to go and buy this NOW!” but just by being accessible to children’s eager eyes, adverts are encouraging them to pester their parents into buying the products on display.

not see the difference between television programmes and adverts. Is it, therefore, a duty of parents to teach their children the meaning of advertisements? Even an adults we are affected by advertising. It seems that unless we buy this perfume or that pair of jeans, we won’t be popular, get that girl/boy or be a success in life. Although we may understand that this is just a marketing ploy, we are still affected by it and it may be the reason we buy a certain brand name shampoo and reject another. If adults can be affected by adverts in this way, think how it influences children who are much more sensitive to the feelings of inferiority if they haven’t got a certain product. This feeling of inadequacy can increase as children enter playgroup, and later school, where they have the opportunity to compare themselves to other children who may have more material things. Of course, this isn’t always true to life. Most very young children are happy to share toys during play with their friends - it is only later that material possessions become more of an issue My point is that parents have some sort of responsibility to educate their children with the important lesson that you can’t have everything you want. I’m not suggesting that parents sit their two-year-old down and give them a lecture in philosophy, but they should explain the meaning and purpose of adverts. As a child grasps the concept of what advertising aims to achieve, and asks for more toys, they deserve an explanation if the answer is “no”. In December 2000, a move to ban advertising aimed at children was proposed after Gordon Brown declared that he thought it was unfair that poorer children long for presents they see advertised on television, while their wealthier friends may get what they want. Brown was also concerned about the pressure that adverts put on parents at Christmas. However, the bill was not introduced.

Research Research has shown that children do not fully understand that adverts are not always genuine until they reach the age of eight. Younger children, especially between the ages of two and five, do

Action Man: Irresistible

As most people know, Britain heavily overspends at this time of the year, attracted by “buy now pay later” campaigns - “buy now pay later” with what? We are a nation where the average debt for every man, woman and child in the UK is £17, 200 (including mortgages) and Britain's personal debt is increasing by £1 million every four minutes.

Parents’ role The bottom line is that children cannot fully understand what advertising means, and parents know that this is a problem. A TV advertising survey in 2004 (carried out by parenting website www.rollercoaster.ie) found that almost 90% of parents asked would like to see a total ban on advertisements aimed at children. If a ban is not put in place, what is the alternative? Stopping children from watching TV? Research carried out at the Children’s Hospital and Regional Medical Centre in Seattle concluded that children should watch no more than two hours of television a day, going so far as to say that each extra hour a day in front of the television increases a child’s chances of developing Attention Deficit Disorder by ten per cent. For children, watching too much TV is said to lead to health problems and trouble sleeping - good reasons to stay away from that box and the commercials and go outside to play. Of course, not all television is commercial (thank heavens for the BBC!), but the majority is, especially now with wide access to Sky or Cable. It’s not just TV either; advertisements are all around us. Billboards, newspapers, internet, radio, even magazines through your own letterbox. How does a parent keep their child away from something which is so ubiquitous? In all of this we appear to have, once again, forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. People are taking things into their own hands. In 1997 the Christmas lights in Manchester were sponsored by Renault, who thought it would be a good idea to put a "Renault diamond" at the top of the city’s Christmas tree. The citizens (not consumers!) of Manchester decided otherwise, and in the black of night, an unknown climbed to the top of the tree and replaced the advertisement with a gold star, reclaiming Christmas ‘for the people’. Can we blame the drive of a capitalist society for the commercialisation of Christmas? Or is it down to individuals giving in and forgetting what Christmas is about? Do we need to bring in strict laws to ban these advertisments or can the individual claim back christmas themselves? Something to think about when doing your Christmas shopping.

Interview

December 6 2004

Page 15

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Airtime Phill-er By Katie Brunt TV Editor

rightfully early on a Friday morning, in a post-broadcast Xpress Radio studio, Phill Jupitus presented his breakfast show live on BBC Radio 6. Wearing huge Timberland boots, baggy trousers and a similarly sized hoodie, Jupitus is every bit the guy you’d expect: jolly, witty, enthusiastic, and big. Very big. "I style my look on a shop called Anything That Fits Me. Pants always work, t-shirts always fit."

“I’m a very good weaver...I can weave a loved pet.” Jupitus, best known for the music quiz show Never Mind the Buzzcocks, came to Cardiff, with co-host Phil Wilding, as part of a tour of university radio stations for his breakfast show. "Well, we owe some people in Cardiff some money from a deal I did when I gigged here a while ago, and it went bad.

No, really we’re here because we like to travel, rather than be landlocked in London and be very capital-centric on the show. We like to get out and travel the country." So, he DJs, presents and does standup – what’s Jupitus’ forte? "You might not know it to look at me, but I’m a very good weaver. I’ve got eight different looms set up in a shed, or rather a converted barn out the back of my Essex farmhouse. Yeah, I like to weave mats. I can weave a loved pet, maybe a favourite grandmother into the weft." Jupitus started his career in the alternative comedy ranks and worked extensively with Billy Bragg. His passion for music, particularly classic ska and bluebeat, as well as rhythm and blues is apparent to anyone who listens to his show. "We’re not really DJs," says Jupitus of himself and sidekick Wilding. "I’m a stand-up, who does a radio show, and Phil’s a journalist who punches standup and has a radio show." The show at Xpress featured singer-songwriter Helen Love, whose song Joey Loves Debbie is Jupitus’ current favourite track. The show also featured

EXCLUSIVE up-and-coming Welsh band Camera. "We’ve signed until the end of March," says Wilding, speaking of the breakfast show. "Yeah, so until the end of March," continues Jupitus, "we can guarantee you the best breakfast radio show…on 6Music." The pair laugh loudly - their rapport is discernible.

The tour continues in Brighton. "The students don’t want us there. We don’t like them and they don’t like us. It’s a mutual thing. I’ve been to Oxford, Cambridge, Hull, Harvard, and this (Cardiff) is just the best university I’ve

“Lamacq is fantastic, Peel was our hero though.” ever been to." Thanks Phill. Speaking of greatness, Jupitus spoke of people he admired in the radio industry. "[Edith] Bowman’s a good girl, I like her a lot, and Steve Lamacq of course, who’s fantastic. Peel was our hero though." With more ...Buzzcocks and four more months of the breakfast show to look forward to, Phill Jupitus has got his fingers in a lot of pies. Let’s just hope the weaving career kicks off. Catch Phil weekdays on BBC 6Music

Jobs & Money

Page 16

December 6 2004

grjobsandmoney@cf.ac.uk

Is it a bid too far?

By Carly O’Donnell Jobs and Money Editor

t’s nearly the end of the semester and I don’t know about you but I’ve already exhausted every penny at my disposal. In my impoverished, but still-too-lazy-to-get-a-job state, I searched desperately for an answer to my financial rut and I found...eBay. Have you heard stories of people auctioning off strange items like virginity and advertising space on bald people’s heads? Unfortunately I didn’t have anything quite as exciting as that to offer, but I did manage to dispose of a broken playstation, several truly atrocious CDs and various unwanted birthday presents. Marvellous.

“Before you can say ‘David Dickinson’ it could be on eBay and auctioned to some unwitting soul in Bognor, leaving you with the easiest cash you’ve ever made” As I perfected my Del Boy impersonation and wheeled and dealed my way through the electronic marketplace, I noticed that I was encountering particular sellers with alarming frequency. It seems that ‘eBaying’ has become quite a lucrative business for people with an abundance of crap. People like students. Now don’t jump on the offensive, but consider your bedroom for a moment

and you will understand. A careful examination of the contents of said room would probably reveal that at least ten percent of the clutter has not been touched in over three months. Before you can say ‘David Dickinson’ it could be on eBay and auctioned to some unwitting soul in Bogner, leaving you with the easiest cash you’ve ever made. If you’re thinking that surely nobody in the world is desperate enough to buy your collection of shit, you would be wrong. There is a buyer for everything and just to prove it, check out this collection of items, all of which got at least one bid.

The Internet

Vampire Killing Kit A must for any stylish vampire hunter. This late 1800s European ‘vampirekilling kit’ included a crossbow with four silver-tipped arrows, an ebony wood stake, a large bottle of holy water and various surgical instruments. Final bid: $4,550.

UFO Detector

Real Shrunken Head

The Meaning of Life When someone finally figured it out, what did they do? Put it up for sale on eBay. Even with eight bids this incredible find didn't fetch much. Final selling price $3.26

The Graduate

Serial Killer's Fingernails

A Russian company once offered this one-of-a-kind item for two million dollars, but bidding topped out at $25,200. Perhaps it was the $5,000 shipping price that scared off potential buyers.

Yes, somebody attempted to sell the rights to the entire Information Super highway for the bargain asking price of one million dollars. It’s unlikely that this Pay Pal transaction ever went through but still, if it had done, it would have been the deal of the century.

Well, you can never be too careful, can you? A prototype manufactured by a Brazilian company was supposed to pick up UFO activity. Unfortunately, it wasn't 100% guaranteed due to the fact that "the propulsion systems of UFOs are not all the same”. Why would the seller want to part with such a unique item? It's okay because he had two. Final sale price: $135.03.

visitors. Since this auction, there have been many, many more ‘ghost in a jar’ items posted on eBay.

Russian Test Space Shuttle

Straight from the Jivaro Indian tribe in the jungles of Ecuador to the world's largest electronic marketplace, a total of 26 shrunken heads were put up for sale. Only seven people bid for them, with the top bidder paying just under $25.

Ghost In a Jar As the story goes, the seller of this item found a rotted wooden box while metal detecting. Inside were two glass jars and a journal. One of the jars was accidentally dropped, causing a black mist of some sort to be

released. The other jar and the journal were taken home and the seller proceeded to be haunted by something he could only describe as ‘The Black Thing.’ Wishing to pass the jar (and the ghost) on to someone else, he put the still unopened jar on eBay, insisting that only serious bidders would be considered. People must have loved the story, because there were well over 60 bids placed. Unfortunately, not all of them were serious, because the selling price topped $90 million. No word as to who finally wound up with the jar, or if they too had supernatural

by Owen Cowain

BEN: For God's sake, Mrs. Robinson, here we are, you've got me into your house. You give me a drink. You put on music, now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won't be home for hours. MRS. ROBINSON: So? BEN: Mrs. Robinson - you are trying to seduce me. MRS ROBINSON: Not at all Ben. I merely thought it would be a good idea to go over some of your options now you’ve graduated. BEN: Oh, okay. MRS ROBINSON: Have you made any plans yet? BEN: Well…I’m a bit unsure at the moment. I really want to earn a graduate level salary on starting…I don’t want to work for peanuts selling burgers or cleaning hotel rooms. MRS ROBINSON: Hopefully you applied to some graduate trainee schemes, or some sort or postgraduate course back in Autumn? I hear that over half of the deadlines for major graduate trainee schemes have passed by the start of December. BEN: Well, no…I thought I’d look for something after I graduated. I don’t really know what to do with my degree. MRS ROBINSON: Oh Ben darling, that can be a big mistake. After graduation the job market is flooded with people like yourself, all looking for the same well-paid jobs. Don’t you realise that getting a decent job, even with a good degree, is all about hard work and effort on your part? You don’t want to end up a lonely alcoholic like me do you? BEN: Well I hadn’t really thought… MRS ROBINSON: I know finding out what you want to do or be can be stressful, but it’s important that you plan ahead. You should have visited the Careers Service on Corbett Road who can give you advice and help on finding what’s right for you. Alternatively you could try www.milkround.com. BEN: But I’m lactose intolerant…? MRS ROBINSON: Don’t worry, it’s a helpful service for people looking for options after graduation. They can keep you updated with deadlines for trainee schemes, and information on current vacancies suited to you. BEN: Hmmm, I’m not sure. I haven’t studied Sociology for three years just to become an accountant! MRS ROBINSON: Well don’t forget that there are plenty of postgraduate options out there, whatever you want to do. If funding is a problem then you can find help with that from people like the Economic and Social Research Council, and some schools award internal funding too. BEN: All this sounds great, but it’s too late for me now, what am I going to do? MRS ROBINSON: Well, like I said Ben, my husband won’t be home for hours…

In 1979, Lawrence Bittaker and Roy Norris cruised southern California on a killing spree that resulted in the death of at least five victims. And now the fingernails of Roy Norris have been sold on eBay for only $9.99. Taped to the back of a Christmas card, they were accompanied by a penned note from Norris himself, signed and topped off with the serial killer's black thumb print. What better gift to say ‘I love you’ at Christmas?

‘Stricken Life’ Painting We’ve had vampire kits, alien detectors and dead peoples heads, but I’m sure you’ll agree that this is really something special. A rather macabre-looking self-portrait of a man known only as ‘Harold’. Charming only by the way it is haunted by ‘Harold’ who murdered his wife then shot himself. The house where the murder took place was eventually sold and the new owners found the painting. Strange things started happening, such as the family dog sitting in front of the painting and howling, so Harold had to go on eBay, of course. So there. Concrete proof, if ever it were needed, that people will buy absolutely anything on eBay. Now go home right now, dig out those unwanted Step’s CDs and dodgy 90s shell suits and get bid-happy.

Jobs & Money

December 6 2004

Page 17

grjobsandmoney@cf.ac.uk

News in brief The rich just get richer Bill Gates has yet again topped the Forbes world’s richest list with an estimated £23 billion fortune. The total wealth of the world’s top richest 400 people is also up to an approximate $1 trillion. This is in sharp contrast to the 1.5 billion people who live on less than US$1 a day.

Coppers on the way out Time could be running out for 1p and 2p coins. Five million Brits wouldn’t mind if they were scrapped and 5.3million have admitted binning their unwanted coppers, according to a new survey. But would students ignore the almost worthless coins if they were left on the ground?

Thirsty Work The student finance arm of the Royal Bank of Scotland has found that an annual £940 million is spent on drinks, second only to rent payments. Estimates suggest that during the next 12 months, students at university will spend £8 billion on living costs. Around 40% of students will work part-time to earn extra cash, mostly in the hospitality trade. Andrea AitkenPaige, Head of Student Banking, at the Royal Bank of Scotland, said 35% of undergraduates felt unprepared for managing their finances. Meanwhile, another survey has revealed hangovers are costing industry a staggering £2.8 billion a year. Recruitment website reed.co.uk found 29 million days are lost each year due to hangovers or drinking problems, while 72 million days were "blighted" by staff who turned up with a hangover.

Up 8000% - The amount of interest accumulated by Bill Gates while you’ve read this .

Static 0% – 3rd year student efforts to look for a job after University.

Down 200% – Your chances of getting on the Forbes top 100 rich list.

YOUR UNION NEEDS YOU! Can’t afford to go out New Years Eve? Do you want to earn over £80 for one night? Then work for our Bars Department Be quick, places going fast! Contact Union Job Shop on the ground floor or tel 02920 781535.

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students Union. Swydd/Job:

Nursery Assistant

Cardiff £4.85 - £5.50 per hour Part-time (or full-time during vacations) Parhad/Duration: Flexible 2-6 hours per week Manylion/Details: Children’s nursery in Cardiff area requires nursery assistant. Duties include caring for children, and some cleaning. Applicants should be caring, motivated and enjoy children’s company. Welsh speaking desirable but not essential, and a childcare qualification advantageous. Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 070 Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours:

Swydd/Job:

Bar & Waiting Staff

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £6.00 per hour Various Casual / As required Temporary bar and waiting staff required in the Cardiff area. Duties will include bar / table service and customer service. No experience is required as full training will be provided. Welsh speakers desirable.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

069

Swydd/Job:

Transport Information Agent

Swydd/Job:

Bar & Waiting Staff

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5.43 per hour rising to £6.01 20 hrs per week Ongoing Local public transport service require transport information agent to provide customers with route and timetable information over the phone, for services across Wales. Applicants should have good communication and customer care skills. Ability to speak Welsh and a good geographical knowledge of Wales is desirable. 067

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5.28 per hour Various Immediate Temporary bar and waiting staff required for various major sporting and concert venues. Applicants should have good manner and presentation, as well as a good command of the English language. No experience is necessary, as training will be provided. Immediate start. 068

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us.To register please bring your student card, and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students). We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza! Call Andrew on 07973 571141 for more information.

Letters

December 6 2004

Page 19

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page Another issue brings you another delightful round of letters. As requested, we have tried to print those offering new opinions that discuss a more diverse range of topics. Perri

Hope can be orange in colour Dear gair rhydd, This week, every morning before putting on clothes I turn my computer on. The folder ‘Ukraine’ in my Internet Explorer Favourites contains half a dozen links from the sites which bring me the latest information on what is now happening in my home country of Ukraine. Such a small number of Internet sites in my folder are explained by the fact that the overwhelming majority of the Ukrainian mass media is government-controlled. My younger sister who lives in Kharkov (the second largest city in Ukraine), emailed me some photos from the demonstration in support of Viktor Yushchenko which she attended with my mother in Kharkov on Tuesday, November 23. About 80 thousand people were there, said ‘Correspondent’, and the pictures I received seem to prove it. According to the same Internet source, a pro-Yanukovich campaign gathered only about 1000 people on the same square of Kharkov on Wednesday, November 24. Most of these 1000 people were the employees of the government institutions and the intimidated students from provinces, said my sister. Such a discrepancy between the official numbers and the real numbers is conspicuous: according to the verdict of the election officials, the city of Kharkov voted for the pro-government candidate Viktor Yanukovich by a majority, 76 percent off voters. Every day I look at the various numbers appearing on the Internet with a mixture of different feelings. My first feeling, the feeling all Ukrainians are very familiar with, is fear. I am afraid that Yushchenko and his supporters will run out of courage, that the peaceful mass demonstrations in Kiev will turn into bloodshed, and that the soldiers

text

who accepted flowers from the women of Kiev will start to fire at them. I fear for my sister and my parents, for my family and friends, and for the whole future of Ukraine, which is being prepared backstairs by it’s speechless president Kuchma and its obese prime minister with the criminal past Mister Yanukovich. And I fear, this fear is closer to indignation, actually, that Yanukovich will become president of my country in 2004. However, as the week is coming to an end, the feeling of fear is being gradually replaced by inspiration and hope. I am indeed inspired to see so many Ukrainians protesting together against what they consider to be the fake results of the presidential elections, encouraged at the very dizzying possibilty, for the first time since 1991, to act and speak freely. For a long time it has been obvious to me that Gorbachov’s glasnost’ did not take root in our ‘independent country’. Of course, we could talk freely in private, behind the closed door at work or during tea-drinking at home, while the television showed us the steady economic growth of Ukraine on its way to join the European Union. Just replace ‘European Union’ with ‘communism’ and you will see that we Ukrainians did not move too far ahead from the Brezhnev era of the 1970s and early 1980s. But now it turns out that we did. And this is why I am hopeful. I am hopeful at the sight of these young Ukrainians with their orange scarves and ribbons, some of whom perhaps have never heard of Brezhnev. I am hopeful to hear that the majority of world nations support the Ukrainian people’s distrust of the authorities. Having experienced the suffocating bureacratism of the Ukrainian election process abroad, I am sure of only one thing - that our victory will not be fast and easy. This is why my hope is not yet very strong. But it is growing. It is

07791165837

best paper award deserved! I always beg a copy from customers mag Baguettes and Bagels

phil who loves jack who loves me

which liam do you love? im liam, is it me?

u are from Loserland, capital Loserville, sitting on the banks of the river Lose, main industry Losing, principle export Losers

oy! will taimage! its margaret and avis. put us in the paper!! if you do we may consider inviting you for christmas dinner... im a hairy man. i had my back waxed 2day. it hurt! im obsessed with poo rhys loves aled who loves

fembots make me dribble

the same crossword as last week! why why why why why? but still love ya! my advent calender had a duck on it today - how appropriate for the day of the ‘duck off fees’ demonstration

growing on the Kiev snow, in the Kiev frost, it is growing steadily and surely. It is getting ready to bloom. And it is orange in colour. Marina Lupishko, PhD student at Cardiff

Why do we bother about the bilingual policy? Dear gair rhydd, Ok, I know you should respect the culture of the place you’re living in…blah blah blah… but I have one question. The bi-lingual policy. Why? Basically I went into the union the other day to stick up a quick advert for some course books I’m selling, only for it to be ripped down immediately because, you’ve guessed it, it wasn’t bilingual. So, to make sure I abided by the crazy guidelines, off I trudged and got it translated. After a whole afternoon of running around, I finally got around to sticking the two copies of my poster up. Out of everybody that rung me, not one of them spoke Welsh. Fucking brilliant – several hours wasted because of some petty little rule. How about if I wanted to stick up a notice for French speakers? Would it have to be tri-lingual? Fuck it, why not just ensure that every poster is translated into every language under the sun, just to make sure we don’t offend anybody. At least that would cover the horrible brown brick walls in the union. So, amusing as I first found the weirdly written road signs, I really can’t be arsed with the multi-lingual bol-

locks. Just stick up the posters in Welsh – it’s not like anybody other than a couple of petty minded equal ops people will actually care. Yours, a mildly narked second year

Not all students like binge drinking Dear gair rhydd I must wholeheartedly agree with Andy Llewellyn’s column in last week’s edition (gair rhydd 777). The logic of drinking yourself into an alcoholinduced stupor is quite frankly beyond me. Waking up with no recollection of what I did or how I got there is my idea of hell. There are plenty of studies and medical evidence stating that binge drinking is bad potentially life-threatening, so why do so many students plan their lives around being paralytic every weekend? Marketing, in my opinion, is the route of all evil in this case. We receive messsages that drinking is good, not only through direct advertising, but also through advertising seen in general programming. Television programmes are continually showing people binge drinking, making it appear acceptable: further more, they encourage it by portraying it as the normal thing to do When will our society and culture grow up and stop this pointless, escapist tactic and deal with our problems? Life most definitely is not found at the bottom of an empty vodka bottle. Yours, a dissaffectioned third year

Please email your letters to

grletters@cf.ac.uk corrections and clarifications Five Minute Fun apologises for the mistake that caused the crossword from issue 776 to be repeated in issue 777. Thank you to everyone who sent us emails and text messages about it. We don’t get everything right all of the time and your feedback is essential in helping us to maintain the high quality that gair rhydd aims to achieve every week.

prizes As always, Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

letter of the week The fembot issue gets put to rest Dear gair rhydd, This ‘fembot’ thing has dragged on far too long. I thought it was about time to end the argument with someone who has a slightly more informed perspective, i.e. has actually read some feminist critique. I’m not claiming to know and understand every aspect of feminism, being the multifaceted theory it is, I’m only an undergraduate. I may still have a lot to learn but I do feel that I am more knowledgeable than some of the people who have written in over previous weeks. For example, if a certain person actually did his Media and Gender readings he would know that feminists never actually burnt any bras during the 70s. Threw them into bins yes, burnt them, no. This was a myth created by the American media to align the movement with the Ku Klux Klan and make it seem more threatening than it really was. Also a lot of the women in Media and Gender classes are intelligent individuals who want to learn about their position in the world and what this means historically. Some of these women (and men) do have good ideas to contribute to seminars. True, the module should really teach more about masculinity,

but to call the module bullshit? Fair enough, for some, gender studies may not be of interest, but for others (and I don’t just mean women here) it may be incredibly relevant, helping them make sense of certain theoretical ideas (i.e. Socialism, Post-modernism, etc) in a framework that they understand and feel applies to their own lives. In reference to the letter of the week in the issue before last, in some ways I agreed with her argument. Let women wear what they want to wear. If women collectively decided never to wear miniskirts again, it’s not going to overthrow patriarchy. In fact I would argue that it would be yet another oppression, another thing women would not be allowed to do. It is just unfortunate that the writer contradicted herself by then making the letter personal and discussing her sexuality. The image of the strident lesbian feminist is one often used by the media in order to criticise and undermine the movement. So why do many feminists walk into this representation? Do they want to scare men (and women who like men) away from the movement and stop them from helping with the fight for equality? An upsetting example is Kitten from this summer’s Big Brother. It is possible to want equal rights and love a man you know. It is also possible to have

a valid opinion regarding feminism but not be angry. In regards to the original article which created all the controversy, all I have to say is stop stereotyping women as stupid slappers just because they might think make-up and short skirts are pretty. If they dress in that way to pull a man, then good for them; if they just dress that way for narcissistic reasons, then good for them too. Society has moved on from the patriarchal virgin/whore dichotomy. Women are, just to let you know, more diverse. At the end of the day there is no point quibbling over something as pointless as short skirts and eyeliner. If we really want to end gender oppression and gain equality, we should stop over-politicising the personal and start helping women who have been abused and raped, help women of racial minorities begging on the streets, continue fighting for equal pay in the workplace. This post-feminist era has become too bogged down in identity politics. Feminism should not be so constraining on women. The goal was choice for all, so please; let women have the freedom to choose the length of their skirt, their sexuality, their make up usage, or anything else in their lives for that matter. Shell Plant

Taf-Od

Tud 20

6 Rhagfyr 2004

grwelsh@cf.ac.uk

Llun gan David Sutheran

Nadolig Llawen? Ffenestri XP

Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od

Stryd y Frenhines: Y Torfeydd Trist Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od MAE’N RHAID i mi gyfaddef, nid Nadolig yw fy hoff wyliau o’r flwyddyn. Erbyn Tachwedd rydw i wedi cael llond bol o’r hysbysebion Nadoligaidd sydd ar ein teledai erbyn hyn ers mis Medi. Mae’n wir golled arnaf sut mae dathliad o enedigaeth mab Duw ryw 2,000 o flynyddoedd yn ôl erbyn hyn wedi troi i fod un o’r adegau pwysicaf masnachol yn y flwyddyn. Druan wir ar yr Iddewon, Mwslimiaid ac unrhyw un arall sydd ddim yn dathlu Nadolig. Nid yw cwmnïau yn defnyddio Nadolig fel cyfle masnachol yn newydd, y cwmni Coca-Cola creodd delwedd Sïon Coch rydym ni yn gyfarwydd a nol ym 1931. Mae’r darlun o teuluoedd hapus o gwmpas y goeden Nadolig yn agor

anrhegion yn cael ei daflu atom o bob ochr. Y darlun taw yr anrhegion sydd yn dod a hapusrwydd i bobl dros y Nadolig. Wrth gerdded lawr Stryd y Frenhines yn gweld y torfeydd yn cario’u bagiau plastig llawn o’r teganau ffasiynol y funud a fydd erbyn flwyddyn newydd yn hen a dibwys. Pawb yn straffaglu dan bwysau’r dyledion sydd yn rhan naturiol o Nadolig erbyn hyn. Y diweddar dathlwyd canmlwyddiant Diwygiad 1904-05, ac mae’n siwr gen i fyddai ein cyndeidiau o’r oes hynny yn cael braw ryfeddaf o weld sut rydym ni’n dathlu’r Nadolig. Nol ym 1904 roedd y tafarndai yn cau oherwydd diffyg pobl yn mynd yno i yfed a’r capeli yn orlawn, erbyn hyn y capeli sydd yn cau a’r tafarndai yn llawn. Nid Iesu yw Duw y Nadolig erbyn hyn ond dyn a’i drachwant.

Mae ein cymdeithas digrefydd wedi dileu yr angen am dduw felly pam dathlu’r Nadolig o gwbl? Mae’r ystyr wedi’i golli yn y papur lapio a’r ffilmiau diri. Nid yn unig Nadolig chwaith, mae’r Pasg a’i fynyddoedd o siocled yn dioddef yn yr un modd, gwyl San Folant a’i gardiau. Mae’r diwydiant masnach wedi troi grefydd i mewn i ffordd o fodloni ei drachwant. Efallai’n wir gwagedd yw’r cyfan, mae’r ystadegau’n dangos taw dros y Nadolig mae’r canran uchaf o hunanladdiad yn digwydd. Nid gwyl i ddathlu genedigaeth Crist yw’r Nadolig bellach ond cyfle i’r siopau a’r chwmnïau Visa a Mastercard gwneud eu harian. Yr unig llawenydd bellach dros y Nadolig fydd y llawenydd artiffisial alcohol, felly ba bwrpas mae Nadolig yn gwasanaethu? Nadolig Llawen?

Allan yn Aber Gan Geraint Edwards ac Owain Jones AR NOS Sadwrn y 13eg o Dachwedd fe gynhaliwyd y Ddawns Ryng-golegol yn Undeb Myfyrwyr Aberystwyth. Eleni aeth 160 o fyfyrwyr Cymraeg y brifddinas i Aber' am y penwythnos. Nifer llawer uwch na'r blynyddoedd cynt, sydd yn arwydd da. Fel bob blwyddyn, mae'r Ddawns Ryng-gol' yn gyfle gwych i weld hen ffrindiau ysgol dros beint neu dri, gyda llawer ohonynt mewn colegau eraill ledled y wlad. Cyn y ddawns ar fore Sadwrn fod

gemau chwaraewyd y gemau pêldroed hollbwysig, gyda enw da’r brifysgol yn y fantol yn dilyn anallu capten anhrefnus y tîm rygbi i ddod o hyd i’w dîm. Gyda anafiadau yn cadw llawer o chwaraewyr allan, daeth cryfder y garfan i’r amlwg gyda tri Dewi yn y cefn a thri Iwan ynghanol y cae. Cafwyd dechrau da yn y gem gyntaf, wrth i amddiffyn Aber agor fel y Mor Coch gyda Ian yn sgorio gol dda. Yn anffodus roedd Huw Savage wedi anghofio pa ffordd i saethu a rhoddodd y bel yn ei rwyd ei hun gan adael y sgôr yn gyfartal. Dim ond colli 1-0 i gôl ffodus munud olaf a wnaethom yn erbyn

Bangor - er gwaetha pawb a Rhys Iorwerth! Yr oedd yr Undeb yn Aber' dan ei sang, gyda dros 500 o docynnau wedi gwerthu. Dim syndod ychwaith, gan edrych ar yr arlwy amrywiol o gerddoriaeth ar y noson. Roedd hi’n wir yn noson i gofio. Diolch o galon i Osian Rhys ac i bwyllgor UMCA am eu gwaith. Gobeithio gawn ni, fyfyrwyr Caerdydd, gystal benwythnos y tro nesaf yr ydym ni yn Aberystwyth - ar gyfer yr Eisteddfod Ryng-golegol ym mis Chwefror. Mae Ball y Gym Gym ar nos Fawrth y 14eg o Ragfyr yng Ngwesty’r Marriot.

MAE MICROSOFT wedi bod yn y newyddion lawer dros y flwyddyn diwethaf oherwydd achosion llys yn ei herbyn. Heddiw, mae gan Taf-Od y bleser o gyhoeddi bod Microsoft wedi rhyddhau dau Pecyn Iaith newydd. Mae’r pecynnau iaith a’r gyfer Windows XP a Office 2003 wedi cyhoeddi ar y cyd a Bwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg. Mae’r pecynnau iaith ar gael yn rhad ac am ddim oddi wrth gwefan Microsoft neu wefan Bwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg. Mae pecyn Office 2003 yn cynnwys offer i gywiro sillafu ond ar hyn o bryd nid oes offer i gywiro gramadeg ar gael. Dywed Angharad Mair, a oedd yn profi’r meddalwedd ar ran Bwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg: "Mewn gair, mae

defnyddio'r pecyn Rhyngwyneb Iaith Cymraeg wedi bod yn brofiad gwych!" Ysgrifennwyd y meddalwedd gan a Thechnoleg Draig yma yng Nghymru ar ran Microsoft a Bwrdd yr Iaith a oedd rheoli’r prosiect. Cafodd gwaith terminolegol ei wneud gan Ganolfan Bedwyr, Prifysgol Cymru Bangor. Rhai wrth gwrs i ni nodi bod pecyn iaith Gymraeg ar gael ar gyfer Fedora Linux, ond ar hyn o bryd nid ydyw’r pecyn wedi gwblhau. Wrth lansio’r pecynnau iaith dywedodd Meri Huws, Cadeirydd Bwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg: “Heb os mae hwn yn ddatblygiad allweddol i'r Gymraeg ac yn cadarnhau bod yr iaith yn gyfoes, perthnasol a defnyddiol. Mae cael rhaglenni cyfrifiadurol cyfarwydd fel ‘Word’ ac ‘Outlook’ yn golygu bydd yna fwy o gyfleoedd i bobl o bob oed i ddefnyddio'r Gymraeg yn eu bywydau bob dydd, boed hynny yn y gwaith neu yn y cartref."

Cofiwch y Cyfeiriad Ebost: GRwelsh@cf.ac.uk Neu’r Rhif negeseuon 07734297223 Dysgu Cymraeg Gyda Taf-Od Learn Welsh with Taf-Od

Brawddeg yr Wythnos: “Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd dda”

Sentence of The Week: “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year”

Health

December 6 2004

Page 21

grhealth@cf.ac.uk

Pumping up your iron intake By Elenor Sherrard-Smith Health Reporter ATHLETES SUFFER from lethargy more than anything else during training seasons and, although there may be a variety of reasons as to why this is, it can often be as simple as a lack of iron in the blood. Although it is easy enough to take iron tablets, recent findings suggest that taking supplements may not be the best answer. It has been recommended that eating a balanced diet containing iron-rich foods is the ideal solution to the problem. There are two types of iron: haem and non-haem. Haem is found in red meats and is much more readily absorbed in the gut than non-haem – found in green leafy vegetables such as the famous spinach. Here comes the science bit… Iron plays a central role in energy metabolism within the body, especially in the production of red blood cells – a process called erythropoesis. Iron can bind to oxygen alone, or as part of a complex. This is because it is a transition metal and able to take part in redox processes. In our blood, iron is transported by the protein transferrin. Haemoglobin is the pigment that transports oxygen in red blood cells and about two-thirds of the body’s iron is contained within the haemo-

JOGGING?: You’ll need iron

Did you k n o w. . .

...colds are caused by viruses? That is why antibiotics are useless for their treatment. For advice on best mangement of cold symptoms contact: Cardiff University Health Centre, 47 Park Place Tel: 029 20874810

globin. Red blood cells have a relatively short life (about 120 days) and old red blood cells are destroyed by macrophages in the spleen – a completely natural process ensuring the body remains healthy. The iron released from these old cells can then be picked up by the protein transferrin and taken to the bone marrow. Here it meets developing red blood cells that can incorporate this iron into the haemoglobin. In this way little iron is lost from the body and there is no active mechanism to excrete unwanted iron.

bowl of cornflakes and a glass of juice can be a great way to begin the day. For athletes, the need for iron is even greater. The more developed the body’s muscles are, the greater its requirement for iron. This is because iron is a major part of the muscle protein myoglobin. Additionally, heavy exercise can cause red blood cell damage known as haemolysis. Each time a person’s foot strikes the floor, those cells travelling beneath the point of contact are destroyed and with them iron is lost.

Why do so many people suffer from iron deficiencies and anaemia?

The oxygen carrier haemoglobin requires a large proportion of iron. One of the first signs of iron deficiency is therefore a continual lethargy because the muscles are not receiving enough oxygen to allow them to run efficiently. This is not the end of the story because iron also plays an important role in many enzymes and coenzymes. Those involved with the immune system are especially dependent on iron and so a deficiency can mean an inability to ward off

Everyday sweating and the shedding of epithelial cells from the skin, intestine and genito-urinary tract means that men lose about 1mg of iron per day while women, due to menstruation, suffer a greater loss – an average of 2mg. The amount of iron required to maintain a healthy system is relatively small, and the body can adjust the amount absorbed through the gut at times when the body requires it, for example during pregnancy, growth or bleeding. However, anaemia remains a problem. Primarily, this is due to the fact that only about 15% of iron consumed within a normal diet can be absorbed. This is further inhibited by certain foods and drinks. For example, the consumption of caffeinated drinks, such as coffee and tea, can inhibit iron uptake and should ideally not be consumed with a meal. Calcium can also decrease iron absorption, along with bran and whole-grain foods. On the other hand, fruit juices greatly increase the uptake of iron, which is why it is a good idea to drink them with meals. Cereals are strongly fortified with iron, so a

How do I know I’m deficient?

Increase your iron ■ Eat more lean red meat ■ Do not consume tea with meals ■ Drink orange juice with a fortified breakfast cereal ■ Cook in cast iron cookware ■ Eat mixed meals frequently ■ Consider using iron supplements

Mumps awareness update

A NUMBER of universities have recently reported cases of mumps, prompting many to work with the NHS and offer immunisation to their students. Cardiff University, along with the Department of Public Health are ensuring that students have access to the best medical advice. Protection against mumps and measles is provided through a combination vaccine with rubella (MMR). It is advised that two doses of MMR are required to ensure adequate protection – both for the individual and the population generally. Cases of mumps and measles in universities mainly result because some students missed MMR totally

because they were too old when the vaccine was introduced for children, or because only one dose was received. If you are aged between 18 and 25, check with your GP to see if you are fully protected, and follow your GP’s advice. Mumps is an acute viral illness that causes fevers, headaches and painful swollen glands. It can cause permanent deafness, viral meningitis and encephalitis. Rarely, it causes painful swelling of the testicles in males and of the ovaries in women. Measles is caused by a very infectious virus. Nearly everyone who catches it will have high fever, a rash and be generally unwell. It is not possible to tell who will be affected seri-

Spaghetti Bolognaise This is not only one of the tastiest Italian dishes, it is also highly beneficial to athletes for providing iron. Ingredients: Lean minced red meat, onion, garlic, olive oil, tin of chopped tomatoes, pasta (spaghetti).

HEAVY EXERCISE: Needs iron sickness and infection. Healthy eyes, brain function, memory and concentration are all affected by a lack of iron. For those people looking to lose weight, iron is also required to burn fat as oxygen carried by haemoglobin must reach cells before fat burning begins. Iron-rich foods One of the richest iron sources is lean red meat. It contains haem, which is iron in its most absorbable form. Poultry and fish are good iron sources too, but for those who are vegetarians, iron can be found in nuts, eggs, vegetables, legumes, and fortif ied breakfast cereals. However, some nutritionists argue that breakfast cereals are not such a good source due to the high levels of salt and sugar which are also added in production. Green leafy vegetables may not provide the most iron but they do deliver other important substances, namely the antioxidant folic acid and B-vitamins. B-vitamins are also important in aiding the maximum amount of energy to be absorbed from foods. The most important thing to remember in order to continue a healthy life style is to retain a balanced diet that will provide you with a good amount of all nutrients. ously, but complications include chest infections, fits, swelling of the brain and brain damage. In very serious cases, measles can kill. Both mumps and measles viruses are spread from person to person through coughs and sneezes. If you have any concerns, check with your GP that you have had two doses of the MMR vaccine and tell friends to do the same. What should you do if you think you have mumps or measles? ◆Make an appointment with your GP or the Student Health Centre for advice (tel: 20874810). ◆Arrange to stay in your accommodation or go home until the infectious period has passed (at least five days).

Cook the onion and garlic in a little oil until tender. Add the meat and cook until it turns brown; remember you can add any other vegetables to make up more vitamins and minerals. Once cooked through add the tin of tomatoes and simmer for about 10 minutes. Add the sauce to the cooked pasta and enjoy!

Chick-pea Stir Fry This quick and easy stir-fry is another good iron provider. If you are vegetarian, simply remove the bacon and add some Quorn or tofu if desired. Ingredients: 50g pancetta – (smoky bacon), olive oil, a clove of garlic – diced, two shallots – chopped, tin of chick peas, savoy cabbage or kale, white wine. Fry the pancetta in a small amount of olive oil (or use water if you are seriously health conscious!) until golden. Add the diced garlic and two chopped shallots. After a couple of minutes add the green leafy vegetables and the chick-peas and add a little white wine. Leave to simmer for 5-10 minutes and serve with rice.

◆If you are staying in university accommodation let people at home know what is going on and tell the Residences Manager that you are unwell. Make arrangements for friends to shop for you. ◆Contact your personal tutor and let him/her know. You can self-certify for seven days but you will need a certificate from the doctor if your illness exceeds this period. ◆Certificates can be obtained from your GP or the GP at the Student Health Centre. ◆Remember to look after yourself and others by preventing its spread. If you suspect you have either mumps or measles then contact your GP or the Student Health Centre (tel: 029 20874810) for advice.

If you have a topic you want the Health experts to look into, contact: grhealth@cf.ac.uk

Go Green!

Page 22

December 6 2004

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Dreaming of a green Christmas Make your university more enviromentally friendly By Sarah Taylor and Emma Hughes

orget Bing Crosby and his White Christmas and don’t even consider the traditional festive red of Santa Claus (he was created by Coca-Cola anyway) – there’s a new colour for December. On Monday the People and Planet Society are launching a week of ‘GoGreen’ awareness. Look out for the stalls in the union, petitions in your lectures and the massive green banner as they aim to make Cardiff Uni Go Green for Christmas. So what exactly does it mean to Go Green? The aim is to get the university to improve its environmental performance. This means doing more recycling, promoting local biodiversity, creating less waste and pollution, cutting down on unnecessary consumption, using environmentally-friendly products, and promoting alternative travel options. The ultimate aim of Go Green is to encourage the university to review its environmental impact and to create a new policy with full-time staff to carry it out. Nationally, universities spend over £3 billion on goods and services and around £200 million on energy. Going green could make a huge contribution to the protection of the environment. So what is the current situation within Cardiff University and how much work has got to be done before we can be said to have ‘gone green’? Cardiff University has improved, especially in relation to energy and water management. Last year, People and Planet ran a Green Electricity campaign. This resulted in the university switching to a supplier that provided 100% of energy from a renewable resource. This is an important success and shows what can be achieved when the political will is there. It is vital to build on this and take the next steps to ensure Cardiff becomes even greener. Cardiff University still has no coherent environmental policy and there is not a single member of staff dedicated to environmental management. These facts are a shocking indictment of Cardiff

University, a supposedly world class institution. Getting any information about the university’s environmental impact is very difficult; the details simply aren’t available to students.

it makes sense for C a r d i f f University to Go Green. Why should only part of it benefit from an excellent environmental policy?

Statements People and Planet and gair rhydd are calling on Vice-Chancellor, Dr. David Grant to make information about Cardiff University’s impact on the planet publicly available. Statements on waste and energy do exist but these are just pieces in the far more complex jigsaw of environmental management and sustainability as a whole. A structured policy document is needed if Cardiff is to become a green university. Currently we are at a vital juncture in the future of Cardiff University - the merger with University of Wales College of Medicine. This makes Go Green even more important. The merger offers a wonderful opportunity for the university because UWCM currently possesses one of the best environmental management systems in the UK. Their policies include managing energy efficiently, minimising waste, increasing recycling, promoting healthier modes of transport and purchasing goods and

UWCM Support

services. But most importantly, UWCM ensured that all students received environmental training. The information empowers students to make changes in their own lives which will benefit the environment. For example, do you know where your nearest recycling point is? This type of information is vital if we are all to work towards a sustainable future. UWCM also have a full time environmental advisor, Katrina Henderson. She has worked to ensure the medical school becomes as green as possible. The success of UWCM has recently been recognised in their the ISO 14001 award, the international standard for environmental management systems. Now that the merger has taken place

The good news for Cardiff is that UWCM is fully behind the campaign. Katrina Henderson said: “We are willing to offer all the support Cardiff needs in its bid to become a green university. There’s a long way to go but I hope we can work together to build on the success we’ve had at UWCM.” A successful partnership is slowly getting there but student support is needed as well. This is one of the most ambitious campaigns People and Planet has ever run and results will not come over night. At the end of last year People and Planet launched Go Green. In the space of just a few days hundreds of action cards got signed and the Go Green ribbon was being worn round campus. Despite these visible levels of student support, Vice-Chancellor Dr. David Grant has not responded to

Go Green with gair rhydd’s top tips for saving the planet and your money 1. Switch to Green Energy For more information on what is available log onto: www.foe.com/campaigns/climate

it’s good for your health as well. Short journeys in the car are unecessary - use the bus or share transport wherever possible.

up recyclable waste, so make sure you get a supply of green bags (available from the union shop).

2. Choose energy-efficient goods for your home This includes energy-saving light bulbs. Goto www.est.co.uk for more information on this. Also buy Fairtrade and local products with recycled packaging

5. Buy petrol from oil companies that invest in research towards renewable sources There are plenty of unethical companies out there - make every effort to boycott them.

8. Turn off all electrical items when they’re not in use Simple and effective. The same goes for lights as well.

3. Try to fill the washing machine Failing that turn it to the economy setting.

6. Dry your clothes on a line or rack This is better for your clothes as it makes them last longer. It also saves electricty.

9. Only fill the kettel with as much water as you need The more water you boil, the more power you take up.

4. Cycle or walk wherever possible This is not only good for the environment -

7. Use community recycling schemes The council now organises services to pick

10. Sign the Go Green petition What are you waiting for?

People and Planet’s requests for a meeting. However, the ViceChancellor will be unable to avoid the issue for much longer - the Student Council has now passed a motion backing the Go Green campaign. This means that Cardiff Students’ Union now supports the aim of an environmentally responsible university. Having the Students’ Union support is not enough though – we need yours too, and People and Planet’s week of action is the perfect time to get involved. Look out for petitions in lectures, the circulation of action cards and stalls on display in the union all week. If you have an action card to hand in, some questions you wish to ask or if you want to pick up a Go Green ribbon, don’t hesitate to come to the stalls on the second floor. Wearing the green campaign ribbon will show Cardiff University that this matters to students. We can make a difference, but the only way is to take direct action, to make our views visible. We have the opportunity to achieve something concrete and change the institution that we are all a part of: our own university. As students we have a right to a greener university and with this campaign we can get one. Cardiff University is a world class institution - if we want to remain that way we need a world class environmental policy. So remember: sign the petition, wear the ribbon and win the campaign. Here’s wishing Cardiff University a very green Christmas!

It CAN be done

■ Nottingham University have just become the first higher education institution to Go Green! Will Cardiff be the second? ■ Oxford Brookes have an environmental policy and an active Environmental Co-ordinator. ■Leeds Metropolitan University have set some impressive targets including a five per cent reduction in CO2 emissions by 2005 and a twenty-five per cent reduction in waste going to landfill by 2006.

Science

December 6 2004

Page 23

grscience@cf.ac.uk

Chemists: a dying breed? One of the oldest established sciences may soon be facing extinction

“Science students are unsure as to the future of their courses”

The Royal Society of Chemistry has released a statement condemning the university’s plans and saying they would: "affect the career plans of the region’s young people and businesses." The cutting of chemistry has become a worryingly common occurrence in the UK with 5 departments closing in the last year and a total of 26 closures over the past decade. In April of this year, Swansea University was criticised by eighteen professors, including three Nobel prize-winners, over its plans to phase out undergraduate chemistry. King’s College, London outlined plans to cut undergraduate chemistry in the same month. This was met with similar hostility from professors and students. Swansea is currently accepting undergraduate chemistry admissions for 2005 but Kings now only offers biochemistry. Cardiff University are keen to

“The School of Chemistry at Cardiff has no plans to close”

D LE EL C N

obel Prize-winning chemist Professor Sir Harry Kroto is to return his honorary degree to Exeter University in protest at plans to close their chemistry department. The plans for cuts come as the university predicts a funding deficit of £4.5m which they say will force the termination of chemical and biological science degree schemes. Professor Kroto does not agree with the University’s decision, describing their approach as "slash and burn". Sir Harry spent many years at Exeter as an academic but now feels that he has no choice but to return the degree awarded by the university. Major confusion about the cuts has led to many science students unsure as to the future of their courses. Some are worried that they will be unable to graduate. An Exeter University spokesman blamed newspaper coverage for the confusion stating: "Chaos has ensued – we are very angry about it." He went on to assure current students that they would be able to complete their courses. Up to 130 staff may lose their jobs as part of the cuts. A few will be offered temporary contacts as courses ‘wind-down’. Student protests have been organised with one group placing Exeter University for sale on the website eBay. The campus was on offer for £10 million in the spoof auction and received over 60 bids; the highest at £31,437.

Science Editor

assure staff and students that the chemistry department is not at risk. A spokesman said: "The School of Chemistry at Cardiff has absolutely no plans to close or downsize. In fact the school is expanding and has recently recruited 5 professors." The forced closure of UK chemistry departments has been blamed largely on their high costs as well as falling interest from students. It is thought that applications for chemistry undergraduate courses may have fallen by as much as ten percent in recent years. Professor Kroto’s rejection of Exeter’s honorary degree will carry much weight in the scientific community due to his Nobel prize winning status.

By Chris Matthews

He jointly won the prize in 1996 along with two American chemists, Professor R. Curl and Professor R. Smalley. It was awarded for the discovery of a new group of chemical molecules called fullerenes. These molecules are made up entirely of carbon and are structurally similar to graphite, made up of hexagon and pentagon shapes. The smallest fullerene in which no two pentagons touch sides is Buckminster Chemistry cuts may see traditional research as a thing of the past fullerene, a ball structure which looks very similar to a football. It was named after Richard Buckminster Fuller, an architect famed for designing domes with a similar structure to that of fullerenes Recently, these tight restrictions on he technology which allows The state of science in Exeter unithousands of people to pub- internet expression have been overversity comes in stark contrast to lish their diaries online is come by internet diaries or weblogs. Chancellor Gordon Brown’s recent enabling greater freedom of These personal websites, also annoucement of the ‘10-year plan for speech in China. known as blogs, are easy to use and science’. Internet restrictions are extremely allow thousands of people to openly The government has promised to tight in the country and the most express their views with few reperinvest £2.5 billion over the next effective component of government cussions. decade with special focus on devel- control is the ‘Great Firewall’. oping ‘science cities’ in the north of This sytem protects the nine gatethe country. ways which connect China to the It is hoped that by 2015 Britain will global internet, strictly controlling establish world leadership in the information available to the public. fields of science and technology. This system came under fire when It is still unclear if Professor the Google News site was blocked. Kroto’s protest will help to save Media watchdog, Reporters Exeter’s chemistry department. If it Without Borders, said the English was forced to close it would continue language website had been unavailBlogs are now being hosted by an increasing trend of cuts to scientif- able for the last ten days. large American websites such as ic research, particularly in the field of China is believed to extend greater blogger.com, which are immune to chemistry. censorship over the internet than any Chinese government restrictions. These online diaries are constantly other country in the world, with service providers keeping a close eye on updated and links to one another content and deleting the politically form a dynamic community which is gair rhydd isn’t just for proving hard to restrict. sensitive material. English and Journalism The popularity of this system has In addition to this all 87,000,000 students! internet users are forced to use soft- exploded in the past two years with ware that controls access to websites discussions on topics that have previIf you’ve got an interest in any ously been impossible. considered harmful or subversive. area of science and want to The government is extremely worThe Google News website is contribute, email the science edithought to have been blocked to force ried at this new trend fearing that tor at grscience@cf.ac.uk or come internet users to use a Chinese ver- open and frank discussion of topics up to the gair rhydd offices on the sion, one which has been purged of such as sex, politics and human rights fourth floor of the union. could lead to the collapse of the state. inflammatory stories.

The great firewall of China

“The firewall came under fire when the Google News site was blocked”

Science in brief By Chris Matthews

Stem Cell haven in Switzerland

Swiss voters have strongly backed a new law allowing continued stemcell research using human embryos. In a nationwide referendum twothirds of voters said ‘yes’ on the government proposal. The decision came as a surprise in a country which has been divided over the issue, with strong opposition coming from the Catholic Church and the Green Party. Strong restrictions would be placed on research. For instance, only cells less than seven days old and already destined for destruction could legally be used. Switzerland has a long tradition of medical research which the new government is determined to continue, stating: "[Switzerland] should not be left out of such potentially groundbreaking work."

Mutant crops closer to reality

A major study of geneticallymodif ied crops has found no evidence that they harm the environment. The study focused on a variety of sugar beet and oil seed rape crops which were grown using normal agricultural techniques. These plants were modified to have a higher tolerance to herbicides which is hoped to give higher crop yields at a reduced cost. This new research concluded that GM crops used this way did not affect the local ecosystem leaving native wildlife able to feed as normal. It still remains unlikely that GM crops will be grown on a large scale in the UK in the near future.

Weed worries increase

A new study suggests that use of cannabis in adolescence and early adulthood can lead to a marked increase in an individual’s risk of psychosis. The Dutch team at the University of Maastricht tested 2437 people aged between 14 and 24 and concluded that cannabis users experience a higher frequency of psychosis. This risk is greatly increased for a person with a family history of mental health problems where up to 50% of cannabis users can experience psychotic effects of varying intensities Researchers described the dangers as ‘moderate’ although users should still employ caution.

Free Stuff

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December 6 2004

grcomps@yahoo.co.uk

grab! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Dog and Bone

‘TIS THE season to get jolly and snap happy. Yes, it’s December now, so I’m allowed to go a little Christmas mad. If your phone is falling apart, or the screen no longer works, or you just want something a lil’ jazzier and upmarket, then this is the competition for you. All you have to do is take a photo of your mate this Christmas when they're looking worse for wear (i.e. absolutely wankered) and the lovely people at Virgin Mobile will reward the most mischievous photographer with their very own Sony Ericsson T610 camera phone worth £120 (although of course Virgin Mobile is in no way condoning such inappropriately drunken behaviour). To celebrate the launch of Virgin Mobile's great new infotainment

service, BITES, and its scandalous 'Worse for Wear' gallery of the ‘all time best pictures’, they're encouraging you to get creative on your festive booze fuelled evenings out and send us the evidence. We're talking underpants on your head, lipstick moustaches and squirty cream bikinis - as if you dirty scoundrels need any encouragement. BITES is an exciting new boredom busting service which offers pictures, competitions, gossip and a laugh straight to

A Night Out Free With SPENT TOO much money on alcohol? Actually a little fed up with going to clubs all the time? Well, look no further than Grab! the page that solves all your problems, ensuring that the student population has a little more magic in their lives. Spin Bowling on City Road provides a wonderful alternative to a night out clubbing. You can get a little bit drunk, get some exercise, get a bite to eat, chat with friends, I could go on. Spin offers a wide selection of entertainment, ten bowling lanes, an all day bar, food, big-screen entertainment and live DJs. A range of great, but cheap, food is available at all times. Student Night, on Wednesdays, features an Indie DJ from 7pm and there are also drinks offers and live sports on the big screen. Best of all, bowling on a Wednesday is just £1.80 per game. As an independent city bar, Spin is student friendly and even offers a student membership card entitling the bearer to drinks offers and promotions. Rhiannon Evans, manager of Spin, says: “We always enjoy it when the students are back. The mixture of bowling, big screen entertainment and live DJs has proven to be a hit, and provides a unique night out for students.” Quite right there, Rhiannon. And just to prove it to you, Spin are offering the chance for a reader to win a night out for a party of four. The winners of the prize will receive two games of bowling, a choice of burger or panini each, plus a bottle of bubbly to share.

And The Winner is...

your phone. Free to use until February 2005, BITES is the perfect antidote to the boredom of those horrible end of term essays, offering bite-sized entertainment on: www.virginmobile.com/bites Virgin Mobile customers’ call 22522 to setup on BITES. What are you waiting for ladies and gents? Get onto Virgin mobile now, and anybody who doesn’t own a Virgin Mobile but wants to take advantage of such a great service, you can get one right here with my great competition, I shall reiterate, what a Christmas gift for you all. To enter hand your photos with your details in to my pigeonhole on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union or email your image to the above address. You all know the drill by now. I’m really looking forward to these, make them as silly as possible. You have to make me laugh people, raucously loud. Good luck.

Bowling

For more information on bowling at Spin please contact Spin on 029 20 488 558 or visit their website: www.spin-cardiff.co.uk What are you people waiting for? Go and raid Spin Bowling today. Or you could get in for free with my great competition. All you have to do is answer this simple question: Where is Spin situated? Enter in the usual way.

Rally champion

ANOTHER ONE for you PS2 addicts out there. World Rally Championship 4 is out now. Forget jumping out of a plane at 3,000 feet, forget bungee jumping off a bridge in the middle of nowhere and forget climbing Mount Everest. That is dull in comparison to the rollercoaster ride of WRC 4. As the only official rally game, WRC 4 brings white-knuckle motor sports action to your PS2. With all the real life teams, cars, drivers and rallies, you’ll have to compete against the finest. See if you can take on the world’s most dangerous dirt tracks, icy roads and mountain lanes to be crowned WRC champion. The fourth title in the long running series, WRC 4 includes Pro Driver Challenge, which allows you to drive your way through the key moments in a WRC driver’s career.

As well as that there is Super Special, where you can race head to head in two-lane rally stages, Point to Point, Sprint stages and photo-realistic graphics. Based on real-life Subaru Centres set in Finland, the UK and Spain, those elite players wanting to push their skills to the max can test their high performance vehicles in true-to-life environments on WRC 4’s Test Tracks. The official line-up of top cars, including the Subaru Impreza WRC and the new Peugeot 307 WRC will ensure you’re racing at high speeds around all of the WRC stages around the world. You can win a splendid copy from myself here at Grab! simply by answering the following question: Where are the real-life Subaru Centres set? Enter in the Usual Way

Terms and conditions: Subject to availability. Strictly Over 18s only.

HELLO ALL, I can’t believe it’s the last gair rhydd of the term already. I have so much work to be doing, shit. Anyway, lets forget my minor work panic and discuss you lucky winners. Although, first up, a huge apology to Kingsmill for announcing a competition winner before the competition closing date (I have so many competitions I just got confused, sorry lads and ladies, am only human). Sorry to any of you who were disappointed but don’t get too upset, I have many more competitions coming up for you to get your grubby mits on. Onto something more positive, I have the lucky winners from the Spinergy competition: Bryher Toms and Becky Davey. Congratulations you have won yourself a board game each. Well done. Second, a big congrats to Greg Cochrane who won the Nick Drake set of CDs (sniff, I will miss that CD) and also to William Schmit, who has won the Libertines set. I will contact you when your prizes are ready. Keep reading and entering people. If any of you are waiting for outstanding prizes/competition winners, don’t fret, I am working my magic and will keep you posted. Have a great Christmas.

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

December 6 2004

The Phil Collins Photo Casebook EP.3 WEEK.3

Dr. Matthew

grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - "Professor, I rejoice in your sense of ethics."

Heroin: Not Fair Trade Bonjour Dr,

Have spent a day in the life of an opinionated student, as described in last week’s page, here are the unfortunate results:

Phil was so angry with Ed The Duck for setting up a deadly meeting with Winner that he ate him. Just like that.

Michael Winner started firing rounds at Phil’s oxygen tanks with a laser gun. Phil responded by kicking the shit out of him.

Page 27

Spent taxpayers’ money on random cool t-shirts from the ever so subtle and subversive tshirt hell.com, ripped my new jeans in memory of Derrida, whom I've never read but guess deconstruction must involve ripping things... and have been to Toni and Guy so they cut my hair in such a way that it looks like I did it with nail scissors whilst on copious amounts of drugs (incidentally being an opinionated student I have to stay away from drugs as they are not fair trade). Have added random streaks of blonde and an emo fringe to my hair. Now, with my extortionately priced ironic children's jewellery I am ready to storm around giving opinions and looking cool. I've contextualised my H&M clothes and am now off to the fucking chip shop. Have accosted chip shop worker with burning effigies of world leaders as they did not sell tofu or couscous and then, when restrained by fascist law enforcement types managed to plant seed of revolution in illiterate chip shop worker by wailing that his economic marginalisation could be solved by overthrowing the government in a violent coup, and that George Bush is a bad man.

Hope lies in the proles. Stuck a picture of Che Guevara in my window as he makes good t-shirts; could not make the lecture on him as I had to sit in the Woodville drinking European beer and talking loudly and obnoxiously about how Old Labour were better. Then I bought the Guardian and carried it under my arm in the hope that random cool intellectual types will see me and want to get randomly naked. At this point I had a premonition of getting a PhD in emo fringes and veganism and decided to return to former self before too much damage has been done. Unfortunately I have been left with an urge to listen to obscure bands whose names begin with The (insert random obscure word here), a craving for couscous and some form of tourettes as I cannot stop saying random, in the completely wrong context at inappropriate moments. Help! It's your fault as you said such things would make me into a cool opinionated student type. A Newly Cool Student Tourettes is probably the best thing humans have ever invented. I declare this for the not-so-obvious fact that ONLY humans could devise a psychological problem based on disrupting social etiquette. "Can you swear love?" "Aye, but I’m not fucking meant to". Fantastic. Not that it’s funny. Well it is, really, particularly in comparison to AIDS and things like that. Not that I ought to con-

done such rude and untrustworthy comparisons - I must remember at this juncture that I am pending court appearances over a number of incidents involving a high-speed motor vehicle chase and the Deliberate Misuse Of A Pelican Crossing To Cause Malicious Damage To A Storm Drain (quite a funny story that, but I can’t be arsed telling you about it). Further investigation has also pointed to something peculiar that happened with a snuff movie featuring several teddy bears and a blender. Therefore all comparisons made by my reasonably good self are to be ignored and maligned in accordance with the Social Leper Act. Circa 2AD. This is not to say that I am incorrect. You’ve done well enough, young Padowan. Perhaps you might like to take yourself to an industrialised city centre and play Base-Jumping sans Parachute. It’s not as if you’re reading Mein Kampf and taking it all a little too cynically. It’s not as if your new found allegiance with the Socialite Elite is making you any less prone to Cholera, so ultimately it comes to you to perform a chip pan fat facial pack upon your pocked face, and truly absolve yourself of all that is vegan with a highly ironic form of body-modification involving the vegetable fat needed to produce such face-altering results. I haven’t answered anything, have I? Nevermind. My hands are broken. Matthew

Sorry, It’s Here Too Dear Matt,

A certain ridiculous creature has recently come to my attention,

Now beaten, bloody, and not quite as DEADLY as before, Michael lay bleeding as Phil tied a thermonuclear device to the side of his face.

Phil dashed back to his Shuttle, and flies away. Another nemesis defeated, the moon explodes noisily while Phil has a brew and a fag on his way.

The End

and I wonder what you have to say on the matter. This creature of which I speak is the Boybot. Several are to be found roaming the streets of Cardiff and their distinguishing feature is that their trousers quite peculiarly do not cover their bottoms – which overhang very much like coastal rock formations. This gratuitous display of bottom is clearly intended to attract attention, and it would not surprise me at all if these Boybots spent many a narcissistic hour in front of the mirror trying to get the best angle of their bottoms. This practice is unwise in two respects. Firstly, since Boybots dress like this even in winter their bottoms must surely be very unpleasantly exposed to the cold. Secondly, what kind of girl or dare I say it, boy, is the Boybot hoping to attract? Does the Boybot really believe that such an outrageous display of bottom is going to attract pleasant girls and boys interested in a meaningful, loving and lasting relationship? No greater mis-

take could be made. It would be unfair, unjustified and indeed dim-witted to say that all Boybots are by necessity intellectually challenged. It would also be quite unfair to say that all who appear to dress like Boybots are trying to make a statement or attract attention, for there is always the age-old possibility that an individual chooses to dress in a certain manner because he or she happens to like it. What I do put to you real Boybots out there, and I wager there are such persons and that they know who they are, is that you do not have to do this to yourselves. You do not have to display your bottoms in the cold of winter, just be yourselves and do not make a conscious effort to be different from the crowd just because you think it’s cool, man. You could even find yourself attracting predatory bandits of bottoms. Anon (no name on the email like: pussy - Matt) Firstly, my opinions of most people are that they should wear clothes. People who don’t wear clothes have been socialised in the wrong system, and shall be crushed. Crushing things is often the Most Fun One Can

Have, but it is necessarily obselete under the pretense of Human Rights. There are a few underground societies that fully support the Compression Of Shit Things, these mainly end up being ornaments in Council Estate homes. I have no interest in the degree of arse-crackery on exhibition. I find it cold enough to expose my own prior to dropping the kids off, yet I do not wish to perpetuate a fucking silly argument that can be solved fully and comprehensibly by the following: 1) a sharpened shovel. Narcissism is fast becoming the new depression in my eyes and the two are intrinsic to one thing: Top-Up Fee demonstrations. For without demonstrations, there would be no narcissism. Demonstrating is purely to show off your nicest clothes, or shapely legs. If you look shit on the day, you’ll be depressed. There does not exist an alternative. Depression breeds narcissism, and there are two things you can do. Turn to the god with the coolest powers. Turn to metrosexuality. Pull your panties up young men, for man’s bottom is far too full of those little bits of toilet roll that covertly snag themselves in your hair when you’ve wiped. Matt

As this week’s edition is undoubtedly something to do with That Man Being Born A Few Years Ago, I decided

that, as usual, I would write something. I am the arbiter of most things. These things enigmatically relate to something else. Today, though, it is Christmas soon. Now, I cannot write in Hebrew, nor can I sign for a parcel on a touch-pad signature machine. I deem this technology to be both a) degrading and b) unfeasibly difficult to use. Nevertheless, I must say that I quite like Christmas, regardless of being unable to discern between Jesus and a lot of money in an envelope. Uncannily, this event coincides dramatically with said envelope, and most of the time Jesus has a birthday on the same day. I cannot say why this coincidence happens EVERY year, but consequently it makes me think that Jesus did something alright. Some people think that Christmas is stupid. I think that these people are stupid. How can something where Jesus has a birthday AND makes sure you get some money be stupid? It isn’t stupid. It is magnificent. Jesus is magnificent for making sure we all get money for doing nothing, chiefly because it’s his birthday. Jesus isn’t stupid, is he? Magnificent. I mean the chap who decided that Jesus’ birthday is also a day of gross economic personal benefit must have been a pretty savvy man, and he certainly wasn’t stupid, so HOW can people call Christmas stupid? Christmas is fucking top. I LIKE CHRISTMAS. I like the way the trees set on fire, and I like the way the church bells start some sonic-terrorism at unfathomably late hours, and the way that YOU GET MONEY JUST BECAUSE A BEARDED BABY FELL OUT OF HIS MOTHER. I mean really. If you think that Christmas is stupid you are obviously a very stupid person.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Got The Internet? AND HalfLife2? 0800-NODEGREE Adjusting to the red? 0800IGOTFUCKINGCOLOUR! Tidal Waves destroying the world? 0800-BLAMEPHIL

Listings

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December 6 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

PRIME PICKINGS

It’s nearing the Christmas period and we have reached our final listings recommendations of 2004. What will 2005 bring us by way of entertainments in Cardiff? Only time will tell. Well... either time or other more comprehensive and far-reaching listings resources. But let us focus on the present and the delights detailed below...

LMS / One Mission / JazzSoc present:

Optimus Prime with support @The Toucan

Wed 8th Dec / 9pm-2am / £5, £3.50, £3

ere is a night as jam-packed with entertainment as anything we have featured previously. Devoted largely to hip hop, the night is a collaborative affair between the Live Music Society, One Mission, and Cardiff Student Jazz Society in association with the Toucan’s regular hip hop residents, Bread and Butter. Topping the bill at this extravaganza are the finest scratch DJs in Wales, the hugely popular Optimus Prime. You can expect some heavy tunes going down but more importantly some mad talent on the turntables, turning audio equipment into musical instrument.

Also appearing will be: supreme beatboxer Ryan Edwards; 2nd place UK Team DMC Finalist, Killer Tomato; and various top DJs from DJ and Clubbing Society, One Mission - including Isit, Jinksy, Carnage, MC Shotty and Strepzil. If you are not familiar with the names at present, it’s only a matter of time. In addition to the DJs and MCs you can look forward to the acrobatic manoeuvres and skills of some breakdancers who will be spinning and flipping centre stage. As if to recognise the roots and musical predecessors of hip hop, the night also sees dapper guitarist

and singer Fred Snow take to the stage with his band The 78s. They will be performing their inimitable brand of 20s/30s swinging jazz standards (such as Satin Doll, Dream A Little Dream Of Me, and others) and the odd filthy blues thrown in for good measure. Bread and Butter residents DJ Ski and Handsome Dan, who have opened up their night to the involvement of these student societies will be doing their thing too; and ensuring the night maintains its usual high standards. The Toucan is on St Mary’s Street. Entry is £3 for society members, £3.50 NUS, £5 all others.

Thunderstorm @Seren Las, Students’ Union Thurs 9th Dec / 9-2am / £2

aving been a largely neglected Union venue in recent times, Seren Las seems currently to be enjoying revived prospects with a string of decent nights making use of it this semester. The latest night to appear at the venue, Thunderstorm, an Axess-509 promotion in association with Xpress Radio, looks to be one of the most interesting nights to spring up in the Union for some time. The night promises to feature an admirably varied musical mix from world music to classic reggae, via R&B, hip hop, house, dancehall,

soca, and ska. Promotional material for the night tells us to expect music from the likes of Bob Marley, Sean Paul, Beanee Man, Wayne Wonder, Rupee and Kevin Little. Masterminded by a couple from Trinidad, the night will carry throughout, a definite Caribbean flavour and a guaranteed party atmosphere. An explanation for its anticipated quality is perhaps the heavy involvement of Xpress Radio, which is lending the formidable talents of some of its Specialist DJs. Keep an ear out for, amongst others; Avery and Odeka of the

radio show Axess-509, Emily Dicks of Global Journeys, Santi of Mind the Gap, Asher Ben Selman of Electrassential and Nathan Davies of Urban Science. At time of going to print Jack Watkins is also expected to be spinning some discs. Anyone who has caught his regular Monday night sets on the One Mission decks at Fun Factory will know to expect only the best reggae, ska, dub, rocksteady and other Jamaican sounds. Keep a look out for further details around the Union over week and keep Thursday evening free from 9pm. Entry is £2.

3 @Barfly

The Bluetones

Fri 10th Dec / Doors 7.30pm / £10

o be frank, I don’t know a great deal about The Bluetones. I know they used to be a big name. And my boyfriend’s friend’s friend’s brother is one of them (I think). Luckily, Virgin Mobile (the tour promoters) and the Barfly both sent us press releases, which allows me to sound a little more informed on The Bluetones, or at least to write some vaguely interesting things about them. When the dates of their current tour were announced - their first live dates for some time - it half sold out before the adverts were even in the press. Apparently that's what being a classic guitar pop band is all about! The Bluetones have been almost entirely absent from the media and the public eye since the end of the 20th Century (which makes it sound like a very long time ago, doesn’t it? It’s only been a few years though - they’re not totally archaic!). I’m told, however, that since dropping below the media’s radar they have become movers ‘n’ shakers in the thriving underground music scene, with rare live shows, DJ sets and Mark Morriss performing solo gigs under an

assumed name. Whether The Bluetones are named after (a) a dream, (b) less ambiguously, a classic music-associated colour or (c) an anagram of ‘The Subtle One’ - take your pick - this homegrown indie act is still knocking out some of the most intelligently crafted, melodically inventive material around. It is fair to say that they’re not a cool name to drop. These days the name, ‘The Bluetones’, sounds positively musty. But don’t forget that almost every Bluetones single went top-ten and when Slight Return reached No. 2 it heralded the arrival of a short-lived Britpop revolution. This gig is highly recommended for anyone who loves guitar music, decent, comprehensible lyrics, and melodies that linger in your head. It may not be the cutting edge but it is solid, decent fare all the same and well worth the £10 asking price. For those as yet unfamiliar with the Barfly it is a dark, grimy looking place located on Kingsway opposite the east wall of the Castle. For tickets visit the Barfly website at www.barflyclub.com or call the ticket line on 0870 9070999.

Listings

December 6 2004

Page 29

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton. If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. What’s it got to do with you, anyway?

Monday06/11

Tuesday07/11

Comedy Club @Seren Las Nige & Tom Bell. Good for a laugh. 8-11pm £4. Film Society @UGC Trainspotting. 9pm £3 / £2 members. Sabotage @Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo. £1 before 11pm. Soul Motion @Moloko Wildly popular night with solid DJs playing deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Classic tunes and hidden gems. 7-2am free. Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50. Circular Music Open Session @The Toucan Unsigned talent, anyone can arrange a spot. House guitar provided! 8pm12.30am- £1 after 9pm. Richard Ormrod @University Concert Hall Welsh pianist Richard Ormrod. The ‘Moonlight’ sonata is tackled by many budding student pianists – come and hear how it should be played! 7:30pm (Get there early for a good seat). £8 / £6 / £3 (NUS). Live @Barfly The Fever / Scanners / Cellar Door / Juniper. 7 pm £4. Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Lamb Of God / Throwdown / As I Lay Dying. 8pm £8. Steeleye Span @St. David’s Hall Celebrating their 35th Anniversary, Steeleye Span embark on a worldwide tour to coincide with the release of new studio album, They Called Her Babylon. 7:30pm £12.50 / £14.50 ‘Elegies for Angels, Punks and Raging Queens’ @Chapter Arts Centre Presented by MindsEye Theatre. A dramatic and musical theatre piece composed of free verse poems and songs reflecting the broad spectrum of people infected and affected by AIDS - gay and straight, young and old. The patchwork of biographical poems/monologues are uplifting, some heart-wrenching and some hysterically funny. Ticket sales income from the first night will be donated to AIDS charities. Tues–Sat 8pm (& 3pm on Sat) £7 / £5 (NUS).

Wednesday08/12

Thursday09/12

Fun Factory @Solus The Union’s ‘alternative’ night. Check for One Mission spinning discs at the bar. 9-2am free with NUS, £3 without. On the Side @Fun Factory The Live Music Society take over the ‘Xpress Lounge’. Christmas Party @K2, St. Mary’s Street Oddsoc Alternative Music Society's Christmas Party. All the usual party-type stuff: alternative music, drinks offers, fancy dress competition, games and prizes. Meet on the union steps at 9. Free to all Oddsoc and LMS members. £1 all others. Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies & Mr Potter. 7-11pm £1 NUS. Student Night @The Club New venue (810 High Street) churning out R’n’B, Old School, Dance, Trance & Top 40 hits. Free. TV is boring @Moloko Live Music, Art, Dj's & Film over 3 floors. Free entry 6-2am. New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendry, and almost mythical, double+ mixer for 80p. £3 before 11pm. 9-2am. Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff & Rowan 8-12.30am. £1 after 9pm. Live @Barfly Ipsofacto/ The Story So Far / Wilcox / Vanity Case. 7.30 pm £4. Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Audiocalm / The Blims / Dirty Perfect. A ‘Surfers Against Sewage’ fundraiser. 8pm £5 / 4. Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing/singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm £2 or £1 if you sign up to perform. BBC Wales Sports Personality of the Year 2004 @St. David’s Hall Join the heroes of Welsh sport for an evening of celebration and reflection on this year’s sporting achievements and highlights. 8pm £7.

Friday10/12

Saturday11/12

Sunday12/12

CinemaWeek

The Bluetones / The Velveteens @Barfly (See facing page for details.) Lashtastic @Solus The Union’s end of week piss-up. Live jazz band in the bar and Xpress Radio Specialist DJs doing their thing in the Xpress Lounge with a strict ‘No Cheese’ policy. £3 adv. Kasabian @SU The Leicester based four-piece rumble into the Union with music both malevolent and sinister, euphoric and electrifying. Kasabian are on a high at the moment with their eponymous debut album smashing its way to No. 4 in its opening week while the edgy single LSF (Lost Souls Forever) scored them a top 10 hit. Not bad for a bunch of self-confessed stoners. It’s still sold out though. Doh! Cardiff University Big Band @University Concert Hall Catch their Christmas concert at 1:15pm. Full Fat @Moloko Funk, Breakbeats, Hiphop, Motown, Retro Disco & Electro Boogie. Free before 11. £4/5 after. The Thieving Cockney @Central Station When his train gets in. ABRI-@The Toucan The best Welsh/Bi-Lingual night the City has to offer with the finest up and coming local and national talent. £5. In the bar - DJ Chas and Krissy Jenkins. £3.50/free before 10pm. Circular Music Gathering @The Toucan A Live Music Festival in a club! Featuring Tripleicious 23, Dark Chunk, The Blims, Winter & Williams plus Alan O’Rouke and Cornelius. Doors 9pm £5 Entry. Chaos @Metros This is a real rock-type night. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm. Silent Running @Clwb Ifor Bach Featuring DJ Zinc. 10pm £8. The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10pm £3.50. Sabina Turvey @Riverbank Hotel Fine jazz from an excellent, individualistic young pianist. 9pm £4 / £3 (NUS).

Come Play @Solus Student favourite, Come Play aims for the student mainstream and gets it every time. The ‘Come Play Girls’ have proved particularly popular and lollipops abound. 9-2am £3.50 adv. Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm. Saturday @Incognito Swiss + pals from the house circuit of wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, Escape. Until 2am. Uberalles @Barfly New club night with the usual indie suspects and sweaty atmosphere. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9-3am free with flyer before 10pm/£4. Live @Barfly Spear Of Destiny / The Soda Men. 7.30pm £8. Sebon @Clwb Ifor Bach I have no idea what this is. It really could be anything. I suppose I could put it into google to find out but to be perfectly honest I cannot be bothered. That said, I remain curious. If you know or if you go along, fill me in! 8pm. The Mothership Convention @The Toucan Thebani funk from the London underground scene, big band style original grooves with a big fat horn section! 10-2am £5. Panto @The New Theatre Cinderella starring kids Tv legend, Dave Benson-Philips. Sat 11th Dec - Sat 22nd Jan. Most days, including Sun - check the website if you like your panto. Live @St. David’s Hall Christmas Concert with Carols in aid of Leukaemia Research. 7pm. From £6.50 Live @St Andrew's and St Teilo's Church (Woodville Road) The University of Wales College of Medicine Choir and Orchestra’s Christmas Concert. Held in aid of Macmillan Cancer Research. The Choir will perform a selection of Chirstmas carols, including W alking in the Air, and the Orchestra will perform Beethoven's Egmont Overture and King Across the Water by Peter Milmer. 7:30pm. £3 for one or £5 for two.

LIve Music Society / One Mission / Cardiff Student Jazz Society / Bread and Butter present... @The Toucan (See facing page for details.) Rubber Duck @Solus The Union’s midweek bonanza.10-2am £3.50/£3 adv. Wednesday Social @The Barfly Relax and soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm. All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS). Cheapskates @Metros Alternative & Cheese. 9-2am. Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm Free. ElectroMoloko @Moloko Electro’, beats, mash-ups, punk-funk, mayhem. 8-2am Free. Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ and clubbing society’s weekly night. 81am. Free for members / £1 NUS. Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors at last. This is the overspill. 10.30-2am. £3.50 / £3 NUS. Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Indifference / Shape Of My Addiction / A Stranger In Moscow. 7.30 pm £4 / £3 (NUS). Live @University Concert Hall Contemporary Music Group presents Theatres of the Mind. A typically adventurous CMG programme featuring the extraordinary 'documentary' for eight voices by Berio and a fully staged performance of Maxwell Davies' shockingly entertaining classic: Eight Songs for a Mad King. This may not be to everyone’s taste but the CMG do invaluable work, ensuring that avant guard art music is kept alive. 7:30pm. £8 / £6 / £3 (NUS). Full Circle @Riverbank Hotel (Despenser Street) Cracking Royal Welsh College Of Music and Drama based jazz group with what promises to be a night of highly compelling free improvisation. Very highly recommended. 9pm £4 / £3 (NUS).

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party @Seren Las Cardiff Student Jazz Society’s weekly night. This week they present the Cardiff University Big Band playing some classic Glen Miller / Benny Goodman style big band greats, a few big band arrangements of popular hits and even a foray into funk and samba. It’s a Christmas celebration of sorts - no shite Xmas tunes thank goodness but plenty of tinsle, mince pies and festive cheer. 7pm £2. Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs' end of the week: ‘a night that takes you where-ever you want to go.’ So long as it involves nothing but house music. 8-12.30pm, No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3's and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am. Thank You For The Musicals @St. David’s Hall One of the principality’s leading music companies celebrates their 15th season at St David’s Hall. Proceeds go to Care Cymru and The Leukaemia & Lymphoma Development Fund (University Hospital of Wales). What is it with charity concerts this week? 7:30pm From £8. Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Jarcrew / People In Planes / Suns Of Thunder. ‘Jarcrew are bringing their synth-punk-rock to Clwb. Kelso Mathais is a star in the making and it'll be worth the £5 if only to see drummer, 'Hot Rod' attempting acrobatics in a flame print thong!’ After all that from Clwb’s press release, I feel compelled to say that People in Planes are one of the best live bands I’ve seen in the last couple of years. Go and give them your love. (I’m sure Suns of Thunder are lovely too.) 8pm £5. Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf Questions. MedClub Quiz @MedBar The same. 8pm. Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Acoustic open mic sessions where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen. Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas. 8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm.

Thunderstorm @Seren Las (see facing page for further details) Tim Westwood @Solus Self styled 'Big Dawg' returns to host one of his famous club nights. Westwood is regarded as the most influential figure in hip hop within Europe. £4. Kickback @bSb The Live Music Society steamroller rolls on with yet another regular night in Cardiff. This time it’s acoustic open mic business. The sort of night that could very well become the backbone of a vibrant student music scene. Get there now so in years to come you can claim to have been there at the beginning. 8-12pm free. Complete Stone Roses @Barfly Top UK Stone Roses tribute act return following a sell out show early in the year. And we thought that Sunday was the official Barfly tribute band night. How wrong we were. 7.30pm £10. Stick It On @The Toucan The night where you get to play a 15 minute DJ set…anything goes and you can be a superstar DJ for a night!! Fancy having a go? Send an email to info@stickiton.co.uk with a DJ name and 15 minutes worth of tunes or text SIO to 07891 596745 and they will contact you. 9-2am £5. BBC National Orchestra of Wales @St. David’s Hall An evening of magical and evocative music from Faure, Humperdinc and, unfortunately, Gilbert and Sullivan. 7:30pm £6 (NUS) Amnesty International Society @Seren Las A Christmas card writing event for prisoners of conscience. They will have details of prisoners of conscience to whom the cards can be written and will even provide the cards! This is a genuine opportunity to do something small that’ll make a big difference. Your cards will offer support to people in desperate situations all over the world.10am-5pm. Lunchtime Concert @University Music Hall A Christmas special featuring a Sax Quartet, Cardiff University Swing Band, Clarinet Choir and soloists. The Music Society put on a varied concert every week and it’s free. 1:10pm.

@Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton / Box Office No: 029 2030 4400

AN ARTS centre that comprises cinema, gallery, theatre, bar, cafe and shop, Chapter is consistently the best place in Cardiff in which to expose yourself to all things creative. Their film showings, ranging from blockbusters to independents to foriegn films, is arguably the major attraction. In recognition of their all-round spiffyness we present here a weekly glance at the various filmic curiosities they have on offer. (Consult www.chapter.org for times.)

Bus 174 Sun 5 Dec- Thu 9 Dec/Brazil/2002 130mins/subtitled/15/Dir: José Padilha On Valentine’s Day 2000 a disturbed young man hi-jacked a bus in a district of Rio de Janeiro, sparking a prolonged hostage situation, police stand-off and regrettable conclusion. The incident, broadcast live on television for over four hours, provided director José Padilha with the material from which he fashions a version of events which allows a multiplicity of viewpoints and levels of meaning. Enduring Love Fri 10 Dec – Thu 16 Dec/UK/2004/100mins 15/Dir: Roger Michell/with Daniel Craig, Samantha Morton, Rhys Ifans On the day Joe Rose plans to propose to his girlfriend he finds himself involved in a rescue attempt with three other men – one of whom is killed. Still trying to come to terms with the tragedy Joe is contacted by one of the other rescuers, who gradually insinuates himself into Joe’s life with an obsession that grows increasingly threatening and ominous.

Award-Winning Television

December 6 2004

Page 31

tvwilly@obnoxiousdrunk.net/broooooce

This week’s pick of the TV fruit: Dec 6th - 12th

Go Stuff Yourselves Hey guys! Gorge yourself on the ever-festive TV Desk end-of-year round-up.

HOT

David Blunkett: When Blunkett claimed last week that ‘forces of darkness are acting against him,’ Mark Thomas retorted, “The only thing darker than Blunkett is Satan.” Actually Satan would be detained at Hades customs. No ID card.

SOAPS TV Desk have concluded that soaps are good for you, man. They even give you a phone number at the end of the show if you feel you’re going through the same issues. The problem comes when they cover homelessness; but how on earth can homeless people watch the TV to be able to call the number? If you really think about it, the creators of soaps are selfish, heartless bastards. They can’t do anything right. So in actual fact, this week you should avoid all soap(s) as best you can and go outside in the freezing sunshine to understand the beauty of life. If not, you’re going to get some angry hobos coming after you demanding change for that phonebox on the corner with the shattered glass. Bet you didn’t think of that when you last sat down to watch Corrie.

So here it is! The end of the year. Another 365 sunsets, another 365 sunrises, all to grind our craniums into cocaine-line stupors so just you guys can go “hee hee, there’s a tit in that picture . . . ha! the Chuckle Brothers, guffaw etc.” It’s been a strange year in TV. EastEnders gets trounced by Coronation Street in every possible way, and of all things, this year’s essential viewing starred a cast of characters, a corporate suit with attitude, and advertised a mobile phone. Surely not? For TV John at least, 2004’s TV highlight, well it just had a better ring . . . to it. TV Katie makes a tired but jovial appearance on today’s front page with her pick of the week Russell Grant’s Postcards (Friday, five, 4.20am.) An underrated programme, yet to make it onto the hallowed (and award-winning) front page, probably due to general ignorance. This week, Russell visits Droitwich, the gentile town in Worcestershire, and is kind enough to send us another cheery postcard. Bless him, he tries hard. One Man and His Geese (Friday, BBC2, 3pm) is a pick purely because I want someone to watch it, compare it to One Man and His Dog, and tell me it’s not better. M e r r y Christmas to you a l l .

Gary Andrews - An Apology

Turns out the man we told you was withholding our listings whilst practising his onanism has been haranguing officials at the fourth channel trying to get those BASTARD CHANNEL 4 LISTINGS.

DVDS TO RENT/BUY ‘Big Willy’ Goes Robot Silly; But Not In Philly

So......... Last week we may have jumped the gun a bit when we laid the blame for our lack of TV listings on erstwhile newspaper editor and dogsbody Mr Gareth Llewellyn Andrews.

Be back in seven long, lonely weeks. Will miss you lots. Loadsa luv x-x-x-xx-X TV Willy’s picks this week involve a hamper, a mountain goat and some ketamine. Actually, that’s a different story (The Wind In The Willows if you must ask). Anyway, Touts on Tour (C4 Monday, 11pm) follows a few touts around as they rip off punters at racecourses and music venues near you! Really though, touts are the scum of the earth. Not that I’m particularly happy to give my money to Clear Channel, but buying tickets by the bulk so real fans can’t get in and then selling them for double outside seems the mark of a nasty-nasty

type of being. To all ticket touts I say this: Go and die. Thanks very much. TV Willy has left the building . . . . . . now xxxxxxx ‘Oh, well, I wish it could be Christmas every day, when the kids start singing and the band begins to play...’ Yo ho ho, TV Manners here getting into the festive spirit (actually I’m faking it just to see what it’s like to be on the other side of the fence). Well it’s been a turbulent few months with me knocking up off TV Holly and replacing her. For a festive change this week I’m doing anti-picks, that is, what not to watch. Norah Jones: Live In Nashville (Sunday, C4, 1am) is the first show to avoid because, as everyone know, she sings about pants and light. Watching it will just annoy you, so avoid it at all costs! The other ‘big miss’ as I like to call it is Sports Review Of The Year (Sunday, BBC1, 8pm) because it’ll just glorify some illiterate fool and result in a lifetime achievement award to Wayne Rooney, who, to be honest, if he wasn’t playing football, would be stealing cars. You knows it. Or something. With that I disappear in a puff of festive smoke and as the confetti settles, you begin to realise the true meaning of Christmas, food and great sex. See you in the New Year. Personally, I can’t wait.

Channel 4 Thou Shalt Be Reborn 2004

Anyway. We’re doing our best to get it sorted out. If you define best as not really doing much and waiting for free pizza. We may well type the listings out, or something, but apparently we can’t get them off the internet. If anybody out there is a big fan of TV Desk send us an email to one of our many email addresses with your suggestions.

Released just in time for Christmas/Bad Hollywood Blockbuster DVD Season, comes ‘Big’ Willy (real name Willard) Smith’s latest sci-fi smash I, Robot. Featuring product placement on a level unseen since the joy that was Senor Speilbergo’s Minority Report, except perhaps The Terminal which came out after I, Robot. I don’t bloody know. TV Willy is a TV critic after all. Hence the prefix! The film itself isn’t that bad actually. I’ver seen worse (most of them starring Will Smith). Lots of Isaac Assimovisms, car crashes and the like. One for those who are easily amused. Rugby players - I’m looking at you! To end: TV Willy’s fave films of the year: Garden State, Eternal Sunshine, Collateral, Shaun of the Dead, Zaitochi, Spidey 2 and Lost In Translation and Man On Fire

NOT

Stella Artois ‘Reassuringly expensive’? Fuck off. It tastes, as the French say, ‘le horrible’, makes you do silly things (hello TV Willy proposing on Friday) and makes your head feel like Simon Le Bon (circa 1995) has been playing rummikub on your head while eating marzipan.

SPORT Nothing better than a bit of Ethiopian Athletics, and what d’ya know, it’s on! On Sunday! At 1pm! So tune in, it’s the Great Ethiopiam Run. Followed by the Gymnastics World Cup Final (woo!) and then Swimming European Short Course Championships - awesome!

FILMS There’s only one film worth watching this week, and that’s Dirty Work (Wed, BBC2, 10.30am) starring your very own TV Desk crew. Critically acclaimed, fabulously produced and beautifully directed by none other than Gary Andrews, Dirty Work, according to Jonathon Ross, is a “revolutionary masterpiece, worthy of man.”

RADIO Following on from last weeks cultural outing on radio, this week I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue (Mon, BBC Radio 4, 6.30pm) brings intellectual comedy to your ears which I know you all crave if only to impress that person in your lecture. I’m sorry to say but my dad actaully recommended this to me. Oh dear... Now my next pick is going to ruffle some feathers (namely TV John’s) but my next pick is Rock’s Back Pages (Weds, BBC Radio 2, 10pm) which looks at some of the crucial moments in the career of...wait for it...The Beatles. You can’t deny they transformed the music scene in the 90s 60s and 70s like no others. Although I’m pretty sure TV John will proceed to list hundreds of reasons how they didn’t do this. With festive cheer and goodwill I leave you now for the end of term and lots of turkey. Mmm...

Monday

Page 32

December 6 - 12 2004

threedayhangover@oldorleansplustrucepartyplusgayclub.com/argh

19.00 The Planets 20.00 The World 20.30 The Sky at Night 21.30 See you in the Future 22.30 Terror Made in America: Days That Shook the World 23.30 Mary Robinson Talks to Kirsty Wark 24.00 See you in the Future Which will be in, er, 1997 if you’ve been watching Escape From New York recently. Likewise, did anyone else notice the general lack of Blue Danube and very slow, focused movement, and general lack of space odyssey going on in 2001? Big Deal! 01.00 Family Ties 01.30 The Sky at Night The world of astronomy with Patrick Moore. 02.30 Mary Robinson Talks to Kirsty Wark Lucozade seriously doesn’t work, Michael Owen may endorse it, and John Barnes swears by it, but it fails, I notice, to point out the fact they’re probably belching like a wind tunnel as soon as camera three turns around. You mark my words, guys. 04.00 Close

Devilʼ’s Canyon BBC2 1.30am

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Old Bear Stories 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 09.05 Barney 09.20 My First... (09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Blow Out 15.30 five news update 15.40 Film: "Return of Ironside" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 The Gadget Show 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 Film: "Unforgiven" “Unforgiveably bad Western epic starring Clint Eastwood”. 23.35 The Most Bizarre Ads In the World Sod this, let’s talk about THE TV event of 2004, the Phones 4 U adverts. Although the wonderous heights of the original ‘Pub Quiz’ one, the subsequent ones have been suitably understated, unmistakeably bizarre, and unlike guff like the Fosters or the knowingly wacky 3 mobile farces, the Phones 4 U ads were genuinely great. Yes, even better than Jordan and Peter Andre’s fumble in the jungle. 24.30 Lexx 01.20 NBA Action 01.45 NFL Live 05.35 Motorsport Mundial Chris, send me tapes of BaaderMeinhof to the TV pigeonhole in the GR office, and you can have the lovely TV Will’s phone number. That’s a promise.

5:50am 6:10am THE HOOBS 6:35am7:00am 7:25am FRIENDS 7:55am EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND Presuming you mean Raymond Barnevald, then why yes, of course. 8:25am THE KING OF QUEENS 8:50am NIKKI: Fierce 9:20am WILL & GRACE 9:45am WILL AND GRACE 10:15am ON THE TOWN 12:00pm NEWS AT NOON 12:30pm CHEERS 12:55pm THIRD WATCH: 1:50pm DR QUINN, MEDICINE WOMAN: 2:45pm THE COURTROOM 3:15pm COUNTDOWN 4:00pm A PLACE IN THE SUN 5:00pm RICHARD & JUDY 6:00pm THE SIMPSONS This is the first episode where the guy who works in the comic book store says “freaking kids”, and thus must be watched. 6:30pm HOLLYOAKS 7:00pm CHANNEL 4 NEWS 7:55pm THE POLITICAL SLOT: The Labour Party 8:00pm THE TURNER PRIZE 2004 9:00pm BOMBER CREW 10:00pm WITHOUT A TRACE 11:00pm TOUTS ON TOUR 12:05am PUTTING THE FUN IN FUNDAMENTAL 1:05am animate! tv: minema cinema So we’ve got channel four again, hooray hooray. Obviously things don’t run smoothly without my lubricant, so all the titles are in capitals. Er, except this one.1:35am THIRD WATCH 2:15am DON'T WORRY 2:45am THE CRAZY RULERS OF THE WORLD 2/3: Funny Torture 3:45am FREESPORTS ON 4 4:10am WORLD CUP SKIING

PRIMEIME

6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! . 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 Jerry Springer. 7. 50 Movies Now. 8.00 Journeys from Hell I’d like to nominate the return journey from Paddington to Cathays via Cardiff Central, where I missed getting off the train at Cathays (don’t ask why - I think I might even have got on the wrong train in the first place) and ended up at Heath Low Level station (essentially two trees, a plank and a cigarette end) with only one eighteenth of a bottle of orange squash, and a Coheed and Cambria album. It was looking dodgy for a while, but luckily what I learned from Ray Mears meant I lasted the twenty minutes fine. I’d also nominate my visit to Chelmsford in the year 2000, but I’d rather slit my throat than talk about that one. 9.00 Airline. 9.25 Coronation Street 9.55 Coronation Street 10.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 11.30 Get Me Out of Here... I'm an Aussie.

PRIMEIME

6.00 GMTV. (Widescreen) 6:00am: CBBC: Little Bear. 6.00 GMTV News Hour with 6:25 Popeye and Son. John Stapleton and Penny 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed. 7:05 Yvon of the Yukon. Smith. 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today: Lorraine Kelly . 7:30 I Love Mummy. 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big 9.25 Trisha. Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV 10.30 This Morning. 10.50 ITV News Headlines, 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Local News and Weather. 11.55 Little Red Tractor 9:00 ITV News Headlines. Balamory 9:20 The Roly Mo 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Show. 9:40 Tweenies. 10:00 Sergeant Stripes. 10:10 Yoho Weather. Ahoy. 10:15 Bob the Builder. 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 I Want That Luxury House 10:30 Science Clips. 10:40 2.30 Great Welsh Cafes Now The Maths Channel. THIS is a great idea for a TV 10:50 English Express. 11:20 Hands Up! 11:35 Hands series.The cafes along the seafront (particularly the ones Up! 11:55 Hands Up! 12:05pm: Watch. Music - The by the faux-Acropolis architecLand of All Weathers. Like East ture) get the TV John thumbs up. And also the TV John sick 17’s Let It Rain, B*Witched’s up. Blame it on the Weatherman. And the distinctly awful Crowded 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and House, with Weather With You. Weathe 3.20 Engie Benjy. 3.30 Atomic 12:20 Trade Secrets Betty4.00 All Grown Up! 12:30 Working Lunch. 4.30 My Parents are Aliens. 1:00 Watch. Festivals and Celebrations1:15 Watch 1:30 Wrongs Of Praise FILM: Devil's Canyon. 3:00 The 5.00 Countdown To Christmas. Yeah, another three weeks, Flying Gardener. 3:30 Flog It! cunt. 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weakest Link. Weather. 6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal. 6.30 ITV Evening News; 6:30 Strictly Come Weather.7.00 Emmerdale. Dancing: It Takes Two. 7.30 Coronation Street 7:00 The Curse of Oil. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor 8:00 Mastermind: Grand McDonald. Final 8.30 Coronation Street. 9:00 Dead Ringers. 9.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get 9:30 The Kumars at No 42. 10:00 The Smoking Room. Me Out of Here! 10.30 ITV News. 10:30 Newsnight. 11.00 2DTV. 11:20 Top Gear. 12:20am: Trouble at the Top. 11.25 Tarrant on TV. 11.55 The Jules and Lulu Show. 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Deutsch 0.25 UEFA Champions 0.45 Game Stars Live. 1.15 Building Plus 2. the Dream. 2.00 Moving Day. 2:00 Working with the 2.25 Trisha. Germans. 3.20 Everything Must Go. 3.45 2:30 Make German Your Entertainment Now! Business 1 and 2. 4.10 Tonight with Trevor 4:30 Work Talk: Germany. 5:30 Eurografters Sounds like a McDonald. 4.35 ITV Nightscreen gay German boyband to me.

PRIMEIME

P R I M E I M E

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 When Did You Last See Your Father? 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody 23.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.25 Brothel 24.55 Brothel 01.25 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody Once upon a time, four brainless cock-gobblers got together, farted over a piano, cacked up in the studio and a DIY Phil Spector-impersonator added some gash opera interludes while some turd-polisher filmed it through a broken kaleidescope. And they all lived happily ever after except me, because I’ve had to listen to this godforsaken shit heap more than once per millenium. The fucking end. 02.25 Dreamspaces 02.55 Liquid Assets 03.55 Close

Gate of Flesh Film Four 12.20am

2:00pm LESS THAN PERFECT 2:30pm ONE TREE HILL 3:30pm SMALLVILLE: SUPERMAN THE EARLY YEARS 4:30pm HOLLYOAKS 5:00pm FRIENDS 5:30pm FRIENDS 6:00pm WITHOUT A TRACE 7:00pm SMALLVILLE: SUPERMAN THE EARLY YEARS 8:00pm FRIENDS 8:30pm FRIENDS 9:00pm WIFE SWAP 10:00pm THE SIMPLE LIFE 2: ROAD TRIP 10:30pm BO' SELECTA! VOL. 3 11:00pm WITHOUT A TRACE: 12:00am HOLLYOAKS 12:30am WIFE SWAP 1:30am THE SIMPLE LIFE 2: ROAD TRIP 2:00am BO' SELECTA! VOL. 3 2:30am ONE TREE HILL: The Leaving Song. That’s an AFI reference if ever I saw one. One Tree Hill is also the name of a wine which you get in the Philharmonic on St Mary’s street. I’ve not seen the show, but if it’s half as heartwarming, headrushing and pleasantly intoxicating as the wine with which it shares its name, then count me in.

6:00pm THE MIGHTY Film that sounds a bit rubbish, but it’s got Harry Dean Stanton, the outlaw’s outlaw in terms of awesome eighties film acting, in it, so it might be good. 8:00pm MIGHTY APHRODITE Woody Allen takes a sideways look at love, it says here. Wow, a revolutionary new direction then. 10:00pm CONTROVERSIAL CHRISTMAS: BATTLE ROYALE II 12:20am EXTREME: GATE OF FLESH 1:50am READ MY LIPS Film adaptation of the awesome first Sophie Ellis-Bextor album, which was criminally under-rated and a downright better testament of posh disco that the new album, which sucked rigid, veiny cock. 3:45am GREMLINS Embarassingly, I haven’t seen this, despite Mogwai being my favourite band. I haven’t seen Ghostbusters, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Star Wars either. For more news on how not having a cinema of 100,000 until I was 15 ruined my potential knowledge of films, tune in next week when I’ll no doubt have to have to write about Film Four again.

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Moneyspinners 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Houses Behaving Badly This week 46 Coburn Street starts a fight outside The Gatekeeper, and drops empty kebab boxes all along Dumfries Place. The bastards. 11:30 Cash in the Attic. 12:15pm: European Nightmare 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Pui's Explore Monday: Tots TV. 3:35 Boo! 3:45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4:10 The Scooby-Doo Show 4:35 Bring It On.5:00 Blue Peter. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours. 6.00 News 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather. 7:00 Holiday 2005. 7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce. 8:00 EastEnders. 8:30 Ground Force 9:00 Spooks Too intelligent for me, this one. 10:00 BBC News. 10:30 Regional News and Weather. 10:35 Band Aid 20 Rubbish! Being outsold by Nadia! Send your three pounds ninety nine to Bob himself. Use all the unsold copies to make rafts! Yay! 11:35 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross. 12:05am: FILM: Who Dares Wins 2:10 Sign Zone: Natural World. 3:00 Sign Zone: Too Close for Comfort Calling you at 3am and I . . . man, Busted rule. 3:30 Sign Zone: ONE Life.

Gremlins Film Four 3.45am

P R I M E I M E

Too Close For Comfort BBC1 3am

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Tuesday

December 6 - 12 2004

Page 33

Rhiannon@brokenvillagebike.org.uk

9.25 Coronation Street 9.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Jerry Springer 15.50 The John Walsh Show 16.35 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.20 Judge Judy 17.50 Movies Now 18.00 Get Me Out of Here... I'm an Aussie 19.00 Champions League Live Porto v Chelsea 22.00 When Jordan Met Peter 22.30 Get Me Out of Here... I'm an Aussie 23.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six." 0.00 Jerry Springer 0.45 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 The John Walsh Show 02.20 Teleshopping 04.20 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman Don’t you love the crap jokes? I do.

19.00 Terror Made in America: Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World 20.30 Profile: Learned Friends 21.00 Genocide and the Second Reich 22.00 Family Ties 22.30 City of Men 23.05 This Guy Is Falling Why did Michael Jackson rush to Wal-Mart? Because he heard kids’ pants were half-off! 23.20 Malaria: Fever Road 0.40 Family Ties 01.10 Terror Made in America: Days That Shook the World 02.10 Genocide and the Second Reich Three people walked by a strip bar. They went in, the first guy licked a 100 dollar bill and slapped it on one side of her butt. The next guy also licked a 100 dollar bill and slapped it on the other side of her butt. The third guy walks in and takes out a credit card. He swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars. 03.10 Profile: Learned Friends 03.40 Close I thought since this is the last issue of the gair rhydd of the year, I’d fill it with random crap jokes because it makes my life a lot easier and also provides you with more of a laugh than the rest of the shit we write. So sit back and enjoy.

14:00 Less Than Perfect 14:30 One Tree Hill 15:30 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 16:30 Hollyoaks 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 Without A Trace 19:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 20:00 Friends 20:30 Friends 21:00 The West Wing 22:00 Max & Paddy’s Raod To Nowhere 22:30 Father Ted 23:05 Fool Around... With My Mum 23:35 Shameless A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man’s leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass." 0:35 Hollyoaks 01:05 Max & Paddy’s Road To Nowhere

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Old Bear Stories 6.40 Oswald 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Peppa Pig 7.35 Funky Valley 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.35 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 9.05 Barney 9.20 My First... anal experience was...oh wait, it hasn’t happened yet. But I’m working on the missus to ‘let me in’. 9.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Blow Out 15.30 five news update 15.35 Film: Istanbul Express (1968, Adventure) I think it was blown up at some point on its journey. Lucky we weren’t on that. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 Can You Trust Your Doctor? No. They always look at you funny and mine gives me this sly smile when he snaps on the rubber gloves. I can’t walk for a week once he’s finished with me. I want one of those sexy nurse types to make me all healthy and stong. And also to play with my willy. A lot. 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.55 Crime Scene Academy 23.30 Boomtown 0.20 Arrest and Trial 0.40 Arrest and Trial 01.00 NBA Game of the Week Fuck the basketball, it’s much more fun to watch the sideline fights which are bound to occur now. 03.30 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.20 Argentinian Football

E M I T E M I R P

6:00 Fourways Farm 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:25 Friends 7:55 Everyone Loves Raymond 8:25 The King Of Queens 8:50 Nikki This episode is called ‘humiliation’ and, I’m reliably informed, this week, Nikki is forced onto all fours in front of her husband and friends to be spanked until her ass is a bright pink. To be honest though, she loves it really. I mean, who wouldn’t? 9:20 Will & Grace 9:45 Will & Grace 10:15 City Under The Sea 11:45 Icons 12:30 In Your Face 12:45 Other People’s Holidays 13:50 Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman 14:45 The Courtroom 15:15 Countdown 16:00 A Place In The Sun 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Hollyoaks 19:00 Channel 4 News 19:55 The Political Slot 20:00 Selling Houses Special You’ll have noticed that we finally have C4 back for one last scare. In the New Year we’re going to continue our guest channels (not out of choice, but because of the obligatory technical failures) so if you have any in mind, text in to the gair rhydd and we’ll pretend we’ve read them. 21:00 The Heist 22:00 Teachers I’m a teacher and my life is nothing like these losers. Except that some of the pupils fancy me. And they’re Catholic. And fifteen. And male. 23:05 The Sex Inspectors 23:55 Peep Show 0:25 Distraction 01:00 Disco Pigs 02:35 Porn: A Family Business 03:05 Monkey I had a monkey once but it ran away. 03:55 The Crazy Rulers Of The World 04:55 Zero To Hero

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 I Want That Luxury House 14.30 Great Welsh Cafes I’m still struggling to think of any. That one in the market with the mirrored wall? 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Fun Song Factory 15.35 Atomic Betty 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents are Aliens 17.00 Countdown To Christmas 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.25 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Emmerdale 19.25 Champions League Live Arsenal v Rosenborg 21.45 Young, Posh and Penniless An insight into the relatively recent phenomena of high class (posh) hookers in Cardiff. They’re desperate for cash and are so dirty your toes will curl when you find out what they’ll do to pleasure you. They speak all proper too. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Young, Posh and Penniless 23.30 Champions League Highlights 0.30 CD:UK Hotshots 0.55 Daniel Bedingfield in Profile He’s fucking huge from the side. Fat twat. 01.20 Grounded for Life 01.40 Take the Mike Thankfully I know no one called Michael, but if you do then watch out because they might leave a nasty taste in your mouth. 02.10 Champions League Porto v Chelsea 03.45 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Go to bed. Fool.

P R I M E T I M E

E M I T E M I R P

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps This guy is banging this girl. The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDs, have you?" He replies, "No." She responds, "Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!" 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.30 Brothel 01.00 Brothel There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight, dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "in my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!" 01.25 Shaun Ryder: The Ecstasy and the Agony 02.25 Nighty Night 02.55 Brothel

6:00 CBBC: Little Bear 6:25 Popeye and Son 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed 7:05 Yvon of the Yukon 7:30 I Love Mummy 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cock Little Cock 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Little Red Tractor 9:00 Balamory 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Sergeant Stripes 10:10 Yoho Ahoy 10:15 Bob the Builder 10:30 Thinking Skills 10:40 The Maths Channel 10:50 The Maths Channel 11:00 The Maths Channel 11:10 BBC Primary Geography: France 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 13:00 Watch 13:15 Watch 13:30 FILM: Dakota Incident (1956) 15:00 The Flying Gardener 15:30 Flog It! 16:30 Ready Steady Cook 17:15 Weakest Link 18:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19:00 Shooting Stars 19:30 Locked in Paradise 20:00 Gardens through Time 21:00 Who Do You Think You Are? 22:00 The Keith Barret Show I would talk about what’s on TV but why would I want to break the habit? I’ve been playing the Rufio album, Perhaps, I Suppose which is utterly great. With influences from Iron Maiden to nofx, what more could you want? 22:30 Newsnight 23:20 Design for Life: Ingvar Kamprad 23:50 BBC Four on BBC Two: Painting Flowers 0:20 Joins BBC News 24 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Revisewise at Home: Science 04:00 Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision: Science 1 These shows are crap.

Girlfriend Filmfour 2.10am

Your Union

6:00 Breakfast 9:15 Moneyspinners 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Houses Behaving Badly 11:30 Cash in the Attic 12:15 European Nightmare 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:40 Neighbours 14:05 Doctors 14:35 Murder, She Wrote 15:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:25 CBeebies: Sid's Fix It Tuesday: Bob the Builder 15:35 Little Robots 15:45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire She’s a feisty minx when you get her after hours. 16:10 Rugrats 16:35 SMart 17:00 Shoebox Zoo 17:25 Newsround 17:35 Neighbours 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 19:00 Watchdog Man, whatever will they think of next? Sitting cats? 19:30 EastEnders 20:00 Holby City 21:00 The Hungerford Massacre I have absolutely no idea what this is about, but I know it’s not a patch on the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I haven’t seen the remake but that’s meant to be quite good to. Film Desk are looking at me blankly. 22:00 BBC News 22:30 Regional News and Weather 22:35 Someone to Watch Over Me I remember I woke up once with someone looking over me. He was arrested the next day, which was good. 23:15 FILM: The Chase. (1994) 0:40 Sign Zone: See Hear 01:25 Sign Zone: Wildlife on One 01:55 Sign Zone: Gardens through Time 02:55 Joins BBC News 24 That’s the last BBC1 I’ll do this year!

Nikki ITV 8.50am

Brothel BBC3 1am

Watchdog BBC1 7pm

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18:00 The Dam Busters(1954) 20:05 Italian For Beginners (2000) 22:00 Christmas Controversy: Scum (1979) Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman. 0:00 Extreme: Bully (2001) 02:10 Girlfight (2000) Three words to ruin a man's ego . . . "Is it in?" 04:00 To The Devil A Daughter (1975) A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologised and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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Wednesday

Page 34

December 6 - 12 2004

WillTalmagefindshispenis@gairrhydd.xmas

9.25 Coronation Street. 9.55 Emmerdale. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy. 12.30 Coronation Street. 1.00 Emmerdale. 1.30 Airline. 2.00 Trisha. 3.05 Jerry Springer. 3.50 The John Walsh Show. 4.35 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.20 Judge Judy. 5.50 Movies Now. 6.00 The X Factor. 7.05 The X Factor Result. 7.40 Planet's Funniest Animals. 8.00 Get Me Out of Here... I'm an Aussie. 9.00 Women who Kill. Blood Money 10.00 Coronation Street. 10.30 Get Me Out of Here... I'm an Aussie. 11.30 The Frank Skinner Show. Tonight's guests are Kelly Brook, Simon Callow, Tom Jones, Jools Holland and the Zutons. Are Jones and Holland joined at the hip of late or what? That fucking collaboration album they released. Wank. 0.30 Jerry Springer. 1.10 Late Show with David Letterman. 1.55 The John Walsh Show. 2.35 Teleshopping. 4.35 ITV2 Nightscreen. 5.10 Late Show with David Letterman.

19.00 Robert Hooke: Victim of Genius 20.00 The World Is a small country, when you compare it to Jupiter, which is very big. Bigger than Swindon and Bolton. 20.30 The Book Show: Claire Tomalin You know Claire Tomalin? Dead man, dead. 21.00 Light Fantastic 22.00 The Pedants' Revolt 22.30 Arrested Development 22.50 The Mark Steel Lecture You know Mark Steel? Dead man, dead. 23.20 Malaria: The Vaccine Challenge 24.50 Light Fantastic 01.50 Robert Hooke: Victim of Genius Yeah, victim - Robert Hooke - dead man. 02.50 The Mark Steel Lecture 03.20 The Pedants' Revolt What the frig’s a pedant? Is this a really bad typo or am I just an arrogant imbecile? The last one? Right. 03.50 Close Next year at TV Desk we hope to feature guest channels which will provide more entertainment than bags of faeces like BBC4. Look out for TV Tree (TV Three in Irish) and Scuzz music channel.

2:00pm Without a Trace 3:00pm The Simple Life 3:30pm Smallville 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Without a Trace 7:00pm Smallville: The Superman Years 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Faking It Changed My Life 10:00pm The Simple LIfe 2: Road Trip 10:30pm Ali G in Da USA 11:05pm Fool Around...With My Bum Sorry I’m bored, thought this would me more amusing than Fooling Around with My Mum - which is positively vulgar. My version however, isn’t. Much. What would happen here? You have to convince guys that your arse is the nicest, and if he picks it, you win the money. If however, he chooses someone else’s botty, they get anally probed. Get on to it E4, you know it’s a ratings winner. 11:35pm Shameless 12:35am Hollyoaks 1:05am Faking It Change my LIfe 2:10am The Simple Life: Road Trip 2 2:35am Ali G in the USA iii 3:05am Without a Trace

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Old Bear Stories 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 Miss Spider's Sunny 09.05 Barney 09.20 My First... 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.35 BrainTeaser 2.35 Blow Out 3.30 Film: "Mallory: Circumstantial Evidence" (1975, Drama) 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Egypt Detectives 8.00 Megalightning: Stranger than Fiction 9.00 Film: "Tequila Sunrise" 11.15 The Gadget Show 0.15 Sex and the Settee 0.40 Snooker - World 02.10 Combined Duathlon and Triathlon World Championships 02.40 European Drag Racing 03.05 Golf: The Challenge 03.30 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classic 04.20 Dutch Football Well, this is it folks, I bid you farewell until 2005. Seven weeks really isn’t that long, The Radio Times may call you from the shelves of your local newsagent, but resist! gair rhydd have compiled a list of publications we permit you to read in our absense: Heat, Closer, The Guide, Nuts, Zoo and We Love Soaps! Alternatively, use teletext p.606 Now and Next - it’s all you’ll ever need. Happy Christmas kiddies, eat loads, get fat, watch TV and come back after a rather splendid New Year ready for more filth, hilarity and debauchery. Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noel.

PRIMETIME

5:55am Animal Alphabet Y is for yak.6:00am Animated Tales of Wank 6:10am The Hoobs: Boobage 6:35amThe Hoobs 7:00am Chart Show 7:25am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Frank 8:25amThe Kings of Queens 8:50am Nikki: Topless 9:15am Will & Grace 9:40am Will & Grace 10:05am Mysterious Island 12:00pm News at noon 12:30pm In Your Face 12:45pm Other People’s Holidays 1:50pm Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman 2:45pm The Courtroom 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm A Place in the Sun 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks The harsh reality of Bombhead's situation comes knocking at his door in the form of a burly loan shark. Oh no, how much more can the poor boy take - leave him alone! When Liz receives a seemingly heartfelt letter from Justin she is tempted to let him come home. Cameron's insecurities are beginning to get the better of him and he is ready to quit the play. 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 The Political Slot: Liberal Democrats 8:00 Property Ladder Revisited 9:00 Bricking It 10:00 The Real Julia Roberts 11:05 Max & Paddy’s Road to Nowhere 11:40pm Sex and the City 12:20am Outside 12:35am Outside 1:35am Outside: Missing Moscow 1:55am Outside 2:20am World Cup Skiing 4:10amFreesportsthe ASP 4:40am KOTV 5:05am Countdown

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith. 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.00 Today with Des and Mel. 2.00 I Want That Luxury House. 2.30 Great Welsh Cafes. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Miffy and Friends. 3.20 Engie Benjy. Big Rig has got stuck in a honey puddle and Bike has ended up caught on a purple rock. Engie and the team come up with a creative solution to their problems! Well, everyone knows what to do when you’re stuck on a purple rock, jeez. As for honey puddles - now they’re a different story, how to get out of them, I have no idea. Poor Big Rag. 3.30 Atomic Betty. 4.00 All Grown Up! 4.30 My Parents are Aliens. 5.00 Countdown To Christmas. Yeah, I’m fully aware it’s only something like 22 shopping days till the big day. I’m also very aware I have a monton de trabajo que hacer and it’s not making me feel overly Christmassy. Stoopid degrees. Better be worth it. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale. 7.30 Coronation Street. 8.00 The Bill. 9.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here: Coming Out. 10.30 ITV News. 11.00 FILM: Murder, She Wrote: The Last Free Man. (2001, Crime) 0.35 FILM: Soul Food. 2.30 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004. 3.25 World Sport. 3.50 Get Stuffed! 4.00 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

E M I T E M I R P

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.25 Trauma 19.55 Film: "The Man in the Iron Mask" This is shit, but back in the day when Leo DiCaprio was a ‘babe’, it was worth a look. 22.00 Bodies 23.00 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody 24.00 Brothel 24.30 Brothel 01.00 The Real Swiss Toni 01.55 Casino (Sex) Documentary series about the people who live, work and play in the opulent Venetian Casino in Las Vegas. The city is synonymous with cocktail waitresses, topless showgirls, strippers, sex and glamour. Prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas, but there are hundreds of call girls in town. Stripping is a multi-million dollar business, with new clubs opening all the time. Fucking BBC Three - sordid, cheap, disguting, wank, shit, bollocks, cack. 02.55 Brothel 03.25 Brothel 03.55 Close I think I’m allergic to cheese. How bad is that?

6:00am: CBBC: Little Bear. 6:25 Popeye and Son. 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed. 7:05 Yvon of the Yukon. 7:30 I Love Mummy. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Little Red Tractor. 9:00 Balamory. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 Tweenies. 10:00 Sergeant Stripes. 10:10 Yoho Ahoy. 10:15 Bob the Builder. 10:30 FILM: Dirty Work. At last, the film about TV Desk is televised, we thought it’d never happen. TV Manners stars as Dirty Fucking Slut who owes Baron von Smythe (TV John) his weight in skag. Chesty LaRoo (the irrepressable TV Katie) meanwhile, upon discovering her sex addiction is out of control, tries to get help from Stickler Flangeroy (TV Will) who is himself struggling with a naughty habit. ***** 10:50 Trade Secrets. 11:00 The Daily Politics. 1:00pm: Lifeline. 1:10 What the Victorians Did for Us. 1:30 Working Lunch. 2:00 FILM: The Square Peg. 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link. 6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal. 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 7:00 The Mighty Boosh. 7:30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes: Another Helping. 8:00 Full on Food. 9:00 Bodies. 10:00 Arrested Development. 10:20 The Planets - Brief Encounters. 10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 Desi DNA. 11:50 FILM: The Million Dollar Hotel. 1:45am: What the Romans Did for Us. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision: Science 2. 4:00 Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision

Bricking It Channel 4 9pm

6:00pm Clockwise 8:00pm To Kill a King 10:00pm Christmas controversy: A Clockwork Orange Real apt Christmas choice here. In keeping with this week’s list theme, here’s a list of my favourite meals of the year: crepes with cheese and spinach, tapas (particularly chorizo al infierno and patatas a lo pobre), tiramisu, enchilladas, giant yorkshire puds with all the trimmings, goats cheese salad and Mars Delights. 12:20am Extreme Truth 2:05am Snuff 3:25am Tesis Seeing as it’s the last gair rhydd of the year, here is a list of the team’s favourite moments of their year: “Manners joining TV Desk” (TV Manners), “Katie joining TV Desk” (TV Katie), Farenheit 9/11 (TV John), “Awesome 21st birthday” (Elgan Taf-Od), “2004’s been a dull year” (Gary Ed. You what?!), “Buying two pairs of cowboy boots on the same day, in different colours” (Hohoho, Perri Fashion) “The sounds my can of beer made when I just opened it” (Doyle News), “Finding my penis” (Will News) Excellent.

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Moneyspinners. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 Houses Behaving Badly. 11:30 Cash in the Attic. 12:15pm: European Nightmare. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. Boyd lies about the source of his injuries. Yeah, sorry - think I may have been a bit rough with the guy the other night. Sindi and Stuart continue to feud. Connor discovers his internet boyfriend is Lou. Eh? He/She’s at it again, this filthy, whore of a writer! I’m loving every second, keep it up. Fnarr. 2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Chris' Sing-a-Long Wednesday: Tweenies. 3:45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire. 4:10 New Scooby and Scrappy Show. 4:20 The Story of Tracy Beaker. 4:35 The Fairly Odd Parents. 5:00 Blue Peter. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours. 6:00 BBC News. 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather. 7:00 Bargain Hunt. 7:30 Airport. 7:55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws. Winning numbers tonight will be 8, 29, 16, 9, 41, 31. Fuck, what if they really are?! Now I’m gonna have to buy a ticket. 8:00 Family Contract. 9:00 Cops, Robbers and Videotape: Breaking and Entering. 10:00 BBC News. 10:30 Regional News and Weather. 10:35 Imagine... Bruce Nauman: The Godfather of Modern Art. 11:15 The Richard Dimbleby Lecture 2004. 11:55 Different for Girls. 1:35am: Sign Zone: Full on Food.

Mysterious Island Channel 4 10.05am

Dirty Work starring TV Desk The Fairly Odd Parents BBC1 4.20pm BBC2 10.30am

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! 029 20229977

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Thursday

December 6 - 12 2004

Page 35

about2000sweatystudents@ilovestudents

9.25 Coronation Street 9.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 1.00 Emmerdale 1.30 Airline 2.00 Trisha 3.05 Jerry Springer 3.55 The John Walsh Show 4.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.30 Judge Judy 6.50 Dancing in the Street 7.00 The Block Australia 7.50 Movies Now. 8.00 Get Me Out of Here... I'm an Aussie Mark Durden-Smith presents a series in which ten Aussies battle it out in the jungle to see who can survive the longest. Panellists Phil Tufnell, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Dr Bob McCarron assess the contestants and decide who will be evicted. Three words WHAT and THE and FUCK? 9.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here: Coming Out Featuring Wayne Sleep. 10.30 Get Me Out of Here... I'm an Aussie 11.30 The Frank Skinner Show 0.20 IRB Rugby World Sevens 0.50 The IRB Awards 1.20 Late Show with David Letterman 2.05 Teleshopping 4.05 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 Light Fantastic 20.00 The World Another list I feel: Favourite ever boy-bands....New Kids On The Block (Thom), Take-That (John S“The original and best), McFly (Perri), E17 (Alys), A1 (James E), 911 (Dave Doyle), Phixx (TV Katie), No Mercy (Gary), North and South (Jim), Hansen, The Bumboys (Talmage), Let Loose (Kat Fletcher - NUS President, for it is her!), Blackstreet (Tim Westwood). God I’m bored. 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister 21.00 Arena 22.15 Monty Python's Flying Circus 22.45 The Young Ones 23.15 Arena 00.00 Arena Documentary about the Manchester Evening News Arena. Featuring explicit shots of the ice rink being prepared and how the cleaners get rid of nast stains on the 17,000 seats! 01.15 Terror Made in America: Days That Shook the World Recollections include Rosie O’Donnell starting trampolining classes, John Candy falling out of bed, Michael Moore’s professional bungee career and Meatloaf, well, walking.

Egypt Detectives 19.30pm

2:00 Without A Trace 3.00 The Simple Life 3:30 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 4:30 Hollyoaks The harsh reality of Bombhead's (Lee Otway) situation comes knocking at his door in the form of a burly loan shark. Not as burly as the Law football heavies who just came up to the office threatening to ‘close the case’ on our wonderful sports editors. 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Without A Trace 7:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Magnetic Clark is suspicious when Lana suddenly becomes attracted to a fellow student. Well you would if said fellow student wears a “I’m going to Kill Clark Kent” t-shirt 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Wife Swap 10:00 Sex And The City 10:35 Sex And The City 11:05 Fool Around...With My Mum You know that shudder sound they make in cartoons. That’s what I’m making now. Yuk yuk yuk. 11:35 Shameless 12:40 Hollyoaks I want to dance with somebody. I wanna sleep with somebody....Felcher.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Old Bear Stories 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Book of Pooh Sounds a bit fruity. 08.35 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 09.05 Barney 09.20 My First...Did anyone see our sex race picture last week? Pure Jean E. Uss 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Blow Out Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love ‘Snowballs’. Yuk. 15.35 Film: "One of Our Spies Is Missing" And one of our canteen ladies has dementia. It’s no fun down at MI5 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Things get cosy at Dave's flat after a difficult day and a few bottles of wine. It’s amazing what a few tablets worth of rohpynol can do isn’t it? 19.00 five news 19.30 Egypt Detectives Including the “World’s Scariest Camel Chases”. Hot stuff! 20.00 The Truth about Killer Squid They cross dress at weekends. 21.00 Film: "The Specialist" Sly Stallone in a film that the title of can only refer to Sly being a ‘specialist’ at making ultra-cruddy action films. Get Carter anyone? 23.10 X-Rated: The Films that Shocked Britain The Sound of Music 00.10 John Barnes' Football Night Inane tripe watched by insomniac sports fans and the desperate (a category which may or may not include our esteemed ex-editor.)

E M I T E M I R P

5:50am Pelswick 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:25 Friends: The One Without the Ski Trip 7:55 Everybody Loves Raymond I don’t - the man is an obnoxious little gastrobag of bad comedy. Yes, you’re right, I have never actually watched this. But my instincts never usually let me down. 8:25 The King Of Queens 8:50 Nikki 9:15 Will & Grace 9:45 The Three Musketeers 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 In Your Face 12:45 Other People’s Holidays 1:50 Dr. Quim Medicine Woman 2:45 The Courtroom 3:15 Countdown 4:00pm A Place In The Sun 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Justin's (Chris Fountain) letter to his mum didn't have the results he expected. Well if you will write saucy letters to your fruity next of kin what do you expect? 7:00 Channel 4 News ‘End of the world special’ with your smiling host Krishnan Guru Murthy 7:55 The Political Slut: The Scottish National Party 8:00 Beyond River Cottage 8:30pm Home From Home Like your university housing is a home from your real homes. Except with more rats. 9:00 Dispatches: Living with Refugees Again a little bit like student housing. 10:00 What The Butler Saw One of Paul Burrell’s notorious ‘home videos’ of Princess Diana in ‘action’ 11:05 Ghost World This is brilliant AND has Scarlet in. Double Bonanza. 1:10 Freesports on 4 Not as good as the freeview on EuroWives Live 24.

6.00 GMTV 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 I Want That Luxury House Has anyone seen that house Wayne Rooney is building? It’s a big big and shit, but on the other had, compared to my shitter in Cathays I’m not one to judge. We do have a fullsize snooker table though. Actually, that’s a lie. 2.30 Great Welsh Cafes First in the series: Ramones on Salibury Road. You know it. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Miffy and Friends 3.20 Fun Song Factory “Look into my eyes, then you’ll realise, something dur der da, EVERLASTING LOVE!” That was fun wasn’t it? 3.30 Atomic Betty 4.00 Play the Game 4.30 Scary Sleepover A night at the house of Elgan Iorwerth. Esteemed editor of TafOd. 5.00 Countdown To Christmas Not related to the Countdown with Whitely. Unfortunately. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Cain turns to Daz to help him raise some cash. He suggests adding a celtic prefix to his name and starting a frozen food company. Geddit? God I’m so clever (© TV Willy 2004) 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill Cosby Show 9.00 Mine All Mine 10.00 The Frank Skinner Show 10.30 ITV News 11.00 The Frank Skinner Show Cont. 11.30 Soccer Night Not featuring John Barnes. Thank the fucking lord. 0.00 The Guest List 0.30 Wolf Lake Gladiators star Mike Van Wilijk AKA ‘The Wolfman’ takes us on a guided tour of his favourite lakes.

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma Has anyone noticed the HILARIOUS picture of someone prodding a prostate every week? We are debating whether or not to retire it. You views: yourviewsare worthless@tvdesk.com 20.00 EastEnders Revealed Hoping it’s Zoe this week. Schawiiing! 20.30 Little Angels Not given it a schawiing for a while I must admit. 21.00 Who Rules the Roost? John Fashanu? 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Not Under My Roof The rather full GR Office’s favourite people called David (or Dave-we’re not picky).....David Hasselhoff (News Dave), Michaelangelo’s David (Editor Gary), Dave Gorman (Sport Thom), David Starkey (Meee), David Dickenson (News Will), Dave Doyle (Ed-op James), Dave Brunt (TV Katie-her Dad btw), David Essex (Sub Robbie). 23.25 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli I’m on my way to Amarillo. I’ve been weeping like a willow .......

6:00am: CBBC: Little Bear Big Red Riding Hood. 6:25 Popeye and Son 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed 7:05 Yvon of the Yukon 7:30 I Love Mummy 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Boo! Made you jump. You little willy-pisser.....is there any other type? 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Little Red Tractor 9:00 Balamory 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Sergeant Stripes 10:10 Yoho Ahoy 10:15 Bob the Builder 10:30 Emotional Literacy 10:40 The Maths Channel 10:50 The Maths Channel 11:00 The Maths Channel 11:10 BBC Primary Geography: France 11:20 BBC Primary Geography. France - The Camargue 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:30pm: Working Lunch 1:05 Trade Secrets 1:15 FILM: Jesse James 3:00 The Winter Flying Gardener 3:30 Flog It! And do it like you mean it. In fact flog it on eBay. I’ll give you three quid. 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link. 6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal. As long as you don’t do it from me. Cos I’ll come round and give you a biff in the face. That’s right, a BIFF! 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 The Culture Show Not really sure what this is. But it’s proably hosted by Jeremy Vine. Snozza. 8:00 Natural World Pheeeleeepa Forrester. She get the naked. Me likey likey. 8:50 Wild Scotland 9:00 The Man Who Broke Britain Margaret Thatcher? 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show 12:20am: FILM: Will it Snow for Christmas? 1:50 What the Romans Did for Us 2:00 BBC Learning Zone

Place In The Sun C4 4.00pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Moneyspinners 10:00 Homes under the Hammer A collection of homes that Sir Trevor Brooking has sat on. Geddit? 11:30 Cash in the Attic 12:15pm: European Nightmare AKA ‘That night in Barcelona’© Clive Tyldsley, 1999. 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote Quim she stroked. 3:20 BBC News 3:25 CBeebies: Sue's Make and Do Thursday: Big Cook Little Cook. 3:45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4:10 Rugrats Has anyone seen this lately? They’ve all grown up and everything. To that I have one word...RUBBISH 4:35 SMart 5:00 I Dream 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours. Stuart has a tricky return to work. Serves him right the little grass. Hmmm, wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of an officer’s vitriol. Said the actor to the bishop. God I’m bored/boring. 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Wildlife on One 7:30 EastEnders Alfie helps Billy discover the joy of being a father. Being allowed to leer at your daughters fit friends? 8:00 The Dobsons of Duncraig 8:30 DIY SOS 9:00 Blackpool Natalie provides Ripley with a watertight alibi. A submarine perchance? 10:00 BBC News 10:30 Regional News 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week 12:20am: FILM: Looking for Mr Goodbarks 2:35 Sign Zone: Watchdog Has anyone seen Garden State? It’s sooo good. Plus you get the added bonus of a dog wanking! Brill!

Natural World BBC2 8.00pm

DIY S O S BBC1 8.30pm

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6:00pm The Madness of King George 8:00 Escape From New York I’ve not seen this but it’s directed by John Carpenter and has Kurt Russel in and therefore must be great. Look at The Thing. It’s set in the future (1997-pnaaar) and Manhattan goes mental or sumfink. Probably worth a watch, but who am I to suggest how you spend your time? 10:00 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Like any of you stinking students can afford Sky. Even if you can it’s unlikely anyone is going to SHELL OUT for FimFour. 11:40 Ed Gein 1:05 The Profound (I’ve cut off the end of this title. SHIITE) 4:00 Behind The Sun Lies a God. In the North we call him David James. Anyone getting that I doubt it. I’ll fill up some space by explaining that Sun Jihai is a Manchester City defender, and behind him on the pitch is our goalkeeper, Mr David James (“England’s Number Two!”). So there you have it. Right that’s it from TV Willy for another year. Peace out homes.

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Friday

Page 36

December 6 - 12 2004

youknowmichaelmoore?@deadmate.com

19.00 Mary Robinson Talks to Kirsty Wark 19.30 The DVD Collection 20.00 The World 20.30 Ojos de Brujo at WOMAD 21.30 Amparanoia at WOMAD 22.30 QI 23.00 The Mark Steel Lecture 23.30 Film: "Lady and the Duke" 01.35 The DVD Collection 02.05 Amparanoia at WOMAD 03.05 Ojos de Brujo at WOMAD 04.05 Close Hmmm, had the pizza...general outrage at the severe lack of meaty pizzas AGAIN. We at gair rhydd are so outraged in fact, that we’ve highjacked the Duck off Fees protest banner and converted it into a Down With Veggies one. National Anti-Veggie Demonstration next week (8th Dec) starting at the gair rhydd office at 2pm, then down to Xpress, then to Student Advice Centre, then the Bars office, into Solus, down to STA travel and the Union shop, and ending at the Union steps. We’re expecting an enormous turn-out so arrive early to get your free Veggies Suck t-shirt. Twenty best dressed get a meal at Angus Aberdeen Steak House.

6:05 Animal Alphabet N is for nudibranch 6:10 The Hobbs: Fairyland 6:35 The Hobbs: Hoobyhics 7:00 Fucking Your Mother 7:20 Friends 7:55 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King of Queens 8:50 Nikki: The Next Step 9:15 Auntie Mame 11:50 My Eden 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Cheers: License to Hill 1:00 Channel 4 Racing from Cheltenham 1.10 Pertemps H'cap Hurdle 1.45 Sporting Index Cross Country Chase 2.20 C.F.R Group 2.55 Mears Group Chase 3:15 Countdown 4:00 A Place In The Sun 5:00 Richard and Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: When Flanders Failed 6:30 Hollyoaks Justin’s in the naughty kids’ home and has met a girl more evil than him. Moohahahah. 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:45 The West Wing 8:30 Friends 9:00 The Simpsons 9:30 Max and Paddy’s Road To Nowhere 10:00 Peep Show 10.35pm Father Ted 11:05pm Punk’d 11:35pm Bo’Selecta Volume 3 12:10am 4Music: Groove Armada: Live in London 12:40am 4Music: Headliners: Damian Rice 1:10am 4Music: Popworld 1:55am 4Music: hit40uk 2:20am 4Music: Beastie Boys: Live in Europe Pretty cool lineup tonight. Groove Armada are awesome live, played at Glasto in 2002 before Air but Air were shit and boring. 2:50am The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 3:15am The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 3:35am World Cup Snowboarding 5:20am Countdown 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.

2:00pm Without a Trace: The Bus 3:00pm The Simple Life 3:30pm Smallville: Superman: The Early Years 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: The One After Ross Says Rachel 5:30pm Friends: The One with all the Kissing 6:00pm Without a trace: The Bus 7:00pm Smallville: Superman: The Early Years: Shattered 8:00pm Friends: The One After Ross Says Rachel 8:30pm Friends: The One with all the Kissing 9:00pm Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares 10:00pm Sex and the City 10:35pm Sex and The City 11:10pm Fool Around...With My Mum This is properly gross - why would anyone sane go on this programme? Ugh, the thought of my Mum trying to pull my boyfri.... 11:40pm Green Wing a 12:50am Hollyoaks...sorry, was just sick. 1:20am The Secret Life of Us 2:10am Sex and The City 2:35am Sex and The City 3:10am The Simple LIfe 3:30am Fool Around...With My Mum Don’t fucking repeat it!

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Old Bear Stories 06.40 Oswald Lee Harvey and his evil, murderous mentality, told in a friendly child-friendly style. 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 09.05 Barney 09.20 My First... 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.35 BrainTeaser How many singles did Led Zeppelin release? 2.35 Blow Out TafOd at Tuesday night’s social. 3.35 five news 3.40 Film: "Nightmare in the Daylight" 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Tim Marlow's Judgement Day 8.00 Hot Property: TV Will everyone gets a ride on The Willy Disco. 8.30 HouseBusters 9.00 House Doctor: Designs for Living 10.05 Film: "Disclosure" 00.35 Film: "Circle of Deception" 02.10 Film: "Midnight Flight" 03.45 Short Story Cinema 04.20 Russell Grant's Postcards This week, a postcard from Droitwich featuring a picture of the Lido swimming pool in all its glory. TV Manners frequents there, so pop in - he may just wear his Speedos. 04.25 Melrose Place 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters So this is it my dear friends, we must part and be merry with good tidings of joy and glee for the festive season. Yeah, fucking Christmas means TV Desk have to get a life and go home. Shucks.

P R I M E I M E

9.25 Coronation Street. 9.55 Emmerdale. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.15 Judge Judy. 12.30 Coronation Street. 1.00 Emmerdale. 1.30 Airline. 2.00 Trisha. 3.05 Jerry Springer. 3.55 The John Walsh Show. 4.45 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.35 Judge Judy. 6.50 Movies Now. 7.00 Fatboy Slim's Orange Playlist. 7.30 Beyonce... In Profile. 8.00 Planet's Funniest Animals. This week, Nick Waldrom. 8.30 Get Me Out of Here... I'm an Aussie. Craig I’m-a-big-cunt Nicholls from The Vines pleads with the public to let him stay in his country. But it’s no use, he gets extradited to Antananarivo to live with the Sifakas. 9.30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas. 10.30 Get Me Out of Here... I'm an Aussie. 11.30 Coronation Street. 0.00 The Frank Skinner Show. 0.50 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas. 1.40 Jerry Springer. 2.15 Late Show with David Letterman. 3.05 Teleshopping. 5.05 ITV2 Nightscreen. 5.10 Late Show with David Letterman.

PRIMEIME

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith. 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 Entertainment Today 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.00 Today with Des and Mel. 2.00 I Want That Luxury House. 2.30 Great Welsh Cafes. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Miffy and Friends. Miffy's Musical Soup 3.20 Engie Benjy. People cannot work out why it is raining donuts - until Engie catches Plane flying around and dropping them on everyone. After the team help Plane to realise how naughty his behaviour is, Plane has to make amends to Farmer Fred by helping him to plant more donuts. 3.30 Atomic Betty. 4.00 Best Friends. 4.30 Best Friends. 5.00 Countdown To Christmas. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale. 7.30 Coronation Street. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald. 8.30 A Touch of Frost. 10.30 ITV News. 11.00 Crime Secrets. 11.30 The Guest List. Featuring the vintage Darkness performance from the awards two years ago, attended by TV John, and special nominations packages by Sizer Barker, Kaiser Chiefs, Thirteen Senses, Embrace, the Lost Prophets and GLC. 0.00 When Jordan Met Peter. 0.35 The Frank Skinner Show. 1.40 FILM: Star Maps. 3.05 Fatboy Slim's Orange Playlist. 3.30 Entertainment Now! 3.55 Mixmasters. 4.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.45 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

PRIMEIME

E M I E M I R P

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three Just watch it on ITV1 like the rest of us. There really is no reason to change over to this crock of shit. 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Outlaws 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 David Ginola: Secrets and Lies 24.55 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.25 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.55 Outlaws 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Who Rules the Roost? Well, technically Gary, but I like to think TV Desk have the power of veto for most important decisions. LIke how many meaty pizzas, and how few Salmon Bites (ie, none) we order from Domino’s. 03.55 Close

6:00am: CBBC: Little Bear. 6:25 Popeye and Son. 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed. 7:05 Yvon of the Yukon. 7:30 I Love Mummy. 7:55 Newsround. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Little Red Tractor. 9:00 Balamory. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 Tweenies. 10:00 Sergeant Stripes. 10:10 Yoho Ahoy. Cake. 10:15 Bob the Builder. 10:30 BBC Primary Arabic. 10:50 The Maths Channel. 11:00 The Maths Channel. 11:10 The Maths Channel. 11:20 Primary Geography. Water: Living with Flood. 11:40 BBC Primary History. 12:00pm: FILM: Come Clean. (1931) 12:20 Trade Secrets. 12:30 Working Lunch. 1:30 FILM: The Return of Frank James. 3:00 One Man and His Geese. What’s this, what happened to One Man and his Dog? Was Barney not enough for you, eh, eh? 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:10 Weakest Link. 6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal. 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 7:00 HeadJam. 7:30 Fighting Talk. 8:00 Gardener of the Year 2004. 9:00 Empire Warriors. 10:00 QI. 10:30 Newsnight. 11:00 Newsnight Review. 11:35 BBC Four on BBC Two: Sam Cooke: Legend. 12:35am: FILM: The Terror. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Renaissance Secrets. Venice: A Second Hand City? 2:30 Renaissance Secrets. 3:00 Renaissance Secrets. 3:30 Renaissance Secrets. 4:00 Siena Cathedral. 4:50 Ever Wondered? What happened to C4? Fear not - it’s back. 5:00 Duccio: The Rucellai Madonna. 5:30 Open Advice

Blow Out five 2.35pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Moneyspinners. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 Houses Behaving Badly. 11:30 Cash in the Attic. 12:15pm: European Nightmare. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. Sky breaks up with Boyd after Lana's secret is exposed. She’s a lesbian - fnarr fnarr fnarr. Someone’s obviously taken over writing this and it’s real filth. One of the episodes last week was even titled ‘Pure Filth’ - awesome! Stingray acts to save Boyd from making a big mistake. What? Stop working out? Don’t do it! 2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Nicole's Furry Friends Friday: Binka. 3:35 The Koala Brothers. 3:45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire. Time Shift/Time Out. 4:10 What's New Scooby-Doo? 4:30 The Basil Brush Show. 5:00 Blue Peter. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours. 6:00 BBC News. 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather. 7:00 A Question of Sport. 7:30 Top of the Pops. I still look forward to watching this every week only to be mightily disappointed without fail about the wank that’s played. I guess I imagine one day I’ll be pleasantly surprised. 8:00 EastEnders. 8:30 My Dad's the Prime Minister. 9:00 Have I Got News for You. 9:30 Little Britain. 10:00 BBC News. 10:30 Regional News and Weather. 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross. 11:35 FILM: The Wraith. 1:10am: Joins BBC News 24.

Great Welsh Cafes ITV1 2,30pm

P R I M E I M E

Nicoleʼ’s Furry BBC Primary Arabic Friends BBC1 3.25pm BBC2 10.30am

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! 029 20229977

6:00pm Paper Moon 8:00pm Get Real 10:00pm Christmas Controversy 11:40pm Extreme: Gerry 1:20am The Werckmeister Harmonies 3:40am Twin Falls Idaho Has anyone heard of any of these films? Here, for your reading pleasure (because I simply can’t be arsed to invent anything myself) is your gair rhydd team’s favourite films: Home Alone and Stand By Me AND Shaun of the Desk (TV Manners), The Incredibles and The Shawshank Redemption (Alys EdOp), The Big Lebowski and Apocolypse Now (Gary Ed), Up The Bum in Nagasaki/Spacejam (TV Will), Farenheit 9/11 and Bowling for Columbine (TV John), Top Gun (Will News) Man Bites Dog (John News), Labrynth (Doyle News), Clockwork Orange (Perri Fashion), Gone With The Wind and Lion, Witch and The Wardrobe (Bethany News), Debbie Does Dallas (Bastion Springs), The Goonies and Glitter (TV Katie), Dogma (Elgan Taf-Od), Edward Scissorhands (Paul News)

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED! 029 20709922

Saturday

December 6 - 12 2004

Page 37

missedoutondomino’spizza@veggiefascists.urgh

9.25 Emmerdale Omnibus Signed For The Hard Of Hearing. Turn the volume up then, you idiots. 12.05 Coronation Street Secrets: Deaths. They don’t really die, you know. Maya’s alive and well and torching newsagents all over the place. 1.10 Airline USA. Terminal Beauty 1.45 Airline USA. High Spirits 2.15 Airline USA. Love Is in the Air 2.45 CD:UK. 3.45 Felicity. The Graduate Sounds saucy and shit. 4.35 IRB Rugby World Sevens Boring rugby, then. 5.10 Planet's Funniest Animals. 5.30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas. 6.30 The Block Australia. Moving Out 7.20 Movies Now. 7.30 Fatboy Slim's Orange Playlist. 8.00 It's Good to Be... Courteney Cox. 8.30 The Xtra Factor.9.30 10.00 The Xtra Factor Result. 10.45 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Viewers' 11.45 Get Me Out of Here... I'm an Aussie 12.20 Who Wants to Be a Millionare?

19.00 Ashton at 100: Fred's Steps Ashton Kutcher reaches his 100th bad on-screen moment, and BBC Four celebrate his unintelligible rise to rubbishness with Fred Elliot retracing his rise to fame, from That 70s Show, to Dude, Where’s My Car? 21.20 Film: "Intacto" Sounds like a crap eighties board game 23.05 City of Men Suburbs of filth, 23.40 Film: "The Rolling Stones: Rock and Roll Circus" Boring overrated band. Yes, even Exile on Main Street, you boring ripped-jeans wearing pricks. 24.45 Stones in the Park Give me three pebbles in a field anyday. 01.40 Ashton at 100: Fred's Steps Fred I Said Fred Elliot reaches the MTV offices to recreate Ashton Kutchers legendary signing of the Punk’d Treats, that would bring the upstart fame, fortune and a pisspoor excuse to shout meaningless drivel in your face. 04.00 Close Wow, can I write about every program. Yo!

2:00pm HIT40UK 2:30 HOLLYOAKS OMNIBUS 4:35pm HIT40UK 5:00pmFRIENDS 5:30pmFRIENDS 6:00pm THE O.C. 7:00pm THE O.C. 8:00pm FRIENDS 8:30pm FRIENDS 9:00pm TEACHERS 10:00pm THE JOE SCHMO SHOW 11:05pm FOOL AROUND...WITH MY MUM 11:35pm THE TRUTH ABOUT TAKE THAT They’re dead. 12:35am BATTLE OF THE BOYBNDS If I were a lesser TV writer, I’d made a boring comment about rounding up all boybands and forcing them to fight, a la Battle Royale. But I’m not a Kerrang reading knobcheese smearing plank, so I won’t. Basically, Busted have destroyed what it is to be a boyband. Strangely, I’ve been reading recently the new Uncut special about Bruce Springsteen. Turns out one of McFly is a long time fan, has written excerpts for the magazine, and has a harmonica used by Bruce. Weird. 2:10am TEACHERS

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy throws down the gauntlet and invites all his special friends for a huge party bash in Toyland. The cast of My Little Pony and the Care Bears join in to really get the entertainment going. The merriment continues long into the night and everyone invited has a thoroughly enjoyable evening. 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life That of TV Desk 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.05 five news update 13.10 The Chart 13.40 Pop City Live 17.40 FILM: The Parent Trap With Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson. (Comedy, 1998) *** 20.00 Britain's Worst... Mother-in-Law The moral of this fantastic insight into the life of another worthwhile human being is to never judge a mother by her cover. She’s really a lovely person but so misunderstood. I’d love to meet her and gain valuable life experience from the depths of her knowledge. 21.00 FILM: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines With Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nick Stahl. (Science Fiction, 2003) *** 23.05 He's Back... The Terminator Story 00.10 Seniors Golf: San Remo Masters 01.00 NFL Live: New England Patriots v Buffalo Bills

P R I M E T I M E

6:05am FOURWAYS FARM 6:15am THE HOOBS: Clumsy 6:40am THE HOOBS: Hurry Up 7:05am TRANSWORLD SPORT 8:00am THE MORNING LINE 8:55am T4: FUTURAMA 9:25am T4: I'M WITH THE BAND 9:55am T4: hit40uk 10:25am T4: THE O.C 11:25amT4: FRIENDS 12:00pm T4: ONE TREE HILL 1:00pm T4: FRIENDS 1:30pm T4: FOOL AROUND... WITH MY MUM 2:00pm CHANNEL 4 RACING from Cheltenham and Doncaster 4:10pm THE DISH 6:00pm MORGAN & PLATELL With Morgan Spurlock, the hilarious pranker, who like, ate McDonalds food for a month and felt a bit sick. Wow, what an amazingly subversive and anti-consumer thing to do. Whattalegend!It’s not like, eating nothing but Bran Flakes would have made much of a difference, you slack jawed trailerpark plankton-brained prickington! 6:30pm CHANNEL 4 NEWS 7:00pm HOWARD GOODALL'S TWENTIETH CENTURY GREATS 8:00pm THE MEDICI: GODFATHERS OF THE RENAISSANCE 9:00pm FRIENDS 9:30pm NOTTING HILL 11:50pm FLATLINERS 1:50am THE BROKEN HEARTS CLUB: A ROMANTIC CO MEDYLike the f, it sounds like the na an alt. country bands live album. (?????) 3:30am FRENCH FOOTBALL: LE CHAMPIONNAT

6.00 GMTV. (Widescreen) 6.00 Boohbah. 6.20 Ni Ni's Treehouse. 6.40 Boohbah. 7.05 Diggin'it 9.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK. 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 Coronation Street 2.55 Journey on The Polar Express Rubbish! 3.25 FILM: Homeward Bound: the Incredible Journey. 5.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. Regional news round-up. 5.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.30 New You've Been Framed. 6.30 The X Factor 8.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.30 The X Factor Result. 10.00 Christmas Mania. Donny Osmond presents some of the brightest stars from the world of music, in a celebration of Christmas with fresh interpretations of classic festive songs. With Jamie Cullum, Katie Melua, Ronan Keating and Janet Ramus, Il Divo, Westlife, Clare Teal, Roy Wood and Wizzard, and Hayley Westenra. And what fresh interpretation is Roy Wood planning exactly? 11.00 ITV News. 11.15 FILM: Daylight With Sly Stallone, who strangely, I met once when I was at Brighton train station. He had a bite of my sandwich. 1.20 FILM: Darklands. 2.50 CD:UK. 3.35 Entertainment Now! 4.05 Cybernet. 4.30 World Sport. Subtitled 4.45 ITV Nightscreen. Subtitled 5.30 ITV Early Morning News. Subtitled

Darklands ITV1 11.15pm

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 Film: "Return to Me" 21.00 1-2 F U Jonathan Ross’s guide to punk rock. I kid you not. 21.55 The Clash: Westway to the World What’s this? More punk? I’ve seen this, it’s not actually. The Clash, The Beatles before them, suffer from having far too much filler on all their albums. Shame mind, when they went all Motown on us, they were awesome 23.00 Blood on the Turntable And wow, what’s this, more punk documentary? About the Sex Pistols. Why you do spoil us, even though the Sex Pistols are possibly the most overrated band of all time, and I’m sure even THEY think that. Now give us The Others - they’re real punk attitude, man. I’ve got Dom’s phone number! Wanker. 24.00 Little Britain Already boring. 24.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.25 1-2 F U Just in case you weren’t reduced to miserable, streaming tears of agony the first time around 02.25 Blood on the Turntable

6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 The Plantsman 12:00pm: See Hear. 12:45 The Sky at Night. 1:25 What the Victorians Did for Us. Gave us the self satisfaction that our elders lived significantly more crap lives than us just so that we can exist. Yum yum. 1:35 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross2:05 FILM: The Men 3:30 FILM: A Streetcar Named Desire Ex-Deputy Editor Alex Macphersons favourite, or one of his favourite films of all time. Make of that what you will. 5:30 What the Papers Say. 5:40 Flog It! 6:40 Gardener of the Year 2004. 7:40 Lucinda Lambton's Jamaican Adventure. I bet Lucinda Lambton is a horse woman. You can tell these things. 8:40 Timewatch. How Mad Was King George? Fweep. 9:30 D-Day 11:30 FILM: The Missouri Breaks 1:30am: Fallen Angels 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest 3:00 After the Genome. 3:50 What Have the 90s Ever Done for Us? They gave us Britpop, Loaded magazine and subsequent lad culture, Gimme Gimme Gimme, Sara Cox, Mountain Dew and the demise of the cassette in popular music. Great! 4:00 Wild Moves 4:30 Wild Moves: Water Chris “likes birds and want to have sex with them” Packham rocks his wild moves. 5:00 Wild Moves. 5:30 Open Advice: A Different Way of Learning.

The Men BBC2 2.05pm

Your Union

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles. 6:40 The Story Makers. 7:00 CBBC: Astro Boy. 7:20 Yvon of the Yukon. 7:45 Arthur Arthur Daley, more like. 8:10 Taz-Mania. 8:35 The Scooby-Doo Show. 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow. 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday. 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather. 12:10 Football Focus. 1:00 Grandstand. 1:10 Gymnastics: World Cup Final. 2:40 Around the Grounds 3:45 Football Half-Times Now then, should I be caring about football again. I cemented my status as a fair weather fan last week after Southampton lost to Norwich (as predicted by TV John) and I declared my lack of interest in football., But now... I’m undecided. If we keep losing, I’ll defect to Chelsea or something. 3:55 Boxing 4:30 Final Score. 5:15 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 5:35 Can't Sing Singers. 6:25 Only Fools and Horses. Who's a Pretty Boy? Oh, what’s this, the one where Del and Rodney agree to paint Denzil’s kitchen and think they’ve killed the canary? It couldn’t possibly be! 6:55 Strictly Come Dancing. 8:00 National Lottery Wright around the World 8:40 Strictly Come Dancing. 9:30 Billy Connolly's World Tour of New Zealand. 10:10 BBC News; Weather. 10:30 Match of the Day. 12:00am: FILM: Dead by Midnight The Abe Lincoln story: “I’m just dying to see that play!” 2:35 A Question of Sport. 3:05 Top of the Pops

One Tree Hill Ch4 12pm

P R I M E T I M E

Stones in the Park BBC3 24.45pm

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! 029 20229977

6:00pm THE PINK PANTHER STRIKES AGAIN 8:00pm LOVELY AND AMAZING 10:00pm CHRISTMAS CONTROVERSY: TAXI DRIVER 12:00am EXTREME: THE BELIEVER 2:05am CRIMSON GOLD 3:40am THE CIRCLE Sod that for a game of soldiers. Here’s my exclusive run down of the best albums of 2004. The Arcade Fire: Funeral, The Decemberists: The Tain. The Shins: Chutes Too Narrow, Sufjan Stevens: Seven Swans, The Dears: No Cities Left, The Blood Brothers: Crimes. Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth:3, The Drive-By Truckers: Dirty South. The Autumns: The Autumns. The Black Heart Procession: In The Fishtank. Modest Mouse: Good News For People Who Love Band News, Iron and Wine: Our Endless Numbered Days, Sum 41: Chuck. Dragonforce: Sonic Firestorm. Jason Molina: Pyramid Electric Co. Thanks! See you next year X

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

Sunday

Page 38

December 6 - 12 2004

channel4@bloodylast.com

9.25 CD:UK 10.25 The X Factor 12.25 The X Factor Result 13.00 The Xtra Factor Result 13.45 Emmerdale Omnibus A clergyman, walking down a country road, sees a young farmer struggling to right a wagon that was tipped upside down. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "He's under the wagon." 16.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.00 Honeymoons from Hell 20.00 The X Factor 22.00 The X Factor Result 22.30 The Xtra Factor Result 23.15 Coronation Street 23.45 The Frank Skinner Show 0.45 Fatboy Slim's Orange Playlist

19.00 The DVD Collection 19.35 Time Shift: TV and Charity 20.15 Arena 21.00 Arena 22.20 Secret Policeman Comedies A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?" "Oh, that was easy. I charged one and let the other off." There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out. "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer. "Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone." 0.20 Arena 01.35 Amparanoia at WOMAD 02.35 Ojos de Brujo at WOMAD

14:00 Fool Around... With My Mum 14:30 Fool Around... With My Mum 15:00 Smash Hits T4 Poll Winners' Party 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 Christmas With The Kranks: T4 Movie Special 18:30 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 18:55 Faking It 20:00 Friends 20:30 Friends 21:00 The Joe Schmo Show Is the guy in this show stupid? Wandering into the script room and not realising everything is faked makes me think he’s a muppet. 10:00 Robbie Williams: The Show Must Go On But clearly this will never be as good as the Show Must Go Off! series on Kung Fu Records. Tsunami Bomb have got their live DVD coming out in time for Christmas. That’ll be one for Santa’s list then. 23:05 Derren Brown: Trick Of The Mind 23:35 Derren Brown: Trick Of The Mind 0:05 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 0:35 Faking It 01:35 Christmas With The Kranks: T4 Movie Special 02:05 Derren Brown: Trick Of The Mind 02:30 Derren Brown: Trick Of The Mind 03:00 Fool Around... With My Mum 03:25 Fool Around... With My Mum 04:00 Close

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 A House That's Just like Yours 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.25 Milkshake! 7.30 Peppa Pig 7.35 Funky Valley Animation set on a crazy farm called Funky Valley and narrated by Mark Williams. The biggest show off in Funky Valley is Percy the Peacock, who is also very rude to the other animals. Hoot the Owl uses a mirror to show Percy what a rude show-off he is. I couldn’t write this any better so I left it ‘as is’. 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch 9.00 Babar 9.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Billie, Girl of the Future 11.30 A Different Life 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Tim Marlow on the Lady Lever Art Gallery 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 Film: Land of the Pharaohs (1955, Historical) 15.45 Film: Danielle Steel's Message from Nam (1993, Drama) 18.10 five news and sport 18.25 Film: I'll Be Home for Christmas (1998, Children's) 20.00 Who Killed Cleopatra? I did. 21.00 Golden Mummy Tomb Opening - Live A brand new slant on reality TV. You can watch, with bated breath, some old guys opening a tomb for the first time. Little do they know, Osama has planted a bomb on the other side which is going to spray them with silly string as soon as they take their first step inside. That crazy Arab bomber. 22.30 Film: Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000, Horror) 0.25 Natural Born Racers

E M I T E M I R

6:00 Animated Tales Of The World 6:15 The Hoobs 6:40 The Hoobs 7:05 ICC Cricket World 7:30 The Cricket Show 8:00 World Cup Skiing 8:55 T4: Futurama 9:25 Popworld 10:20 Hollyoaks Omnibus I was in Liverpool last weekend but I didn’t see any of the ‘Oaks gang. I did fall asleep on a street outside the Krazyhouse (notice the K) only to be woken up by very loud Scousers. What a great city. 12:55 Fool Around... With My Mum OK, the previous show with almost the same name was bad enough, but with your mum? No no no! I know there are people in the world who have this concept of MILF 13:35 Kylie: T4 Special 14:05 Lynx Base 24-7 15:10 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 16:10 Stargate SG1 17:00 Stargate SG-1 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Scrapheap Challenge 19:30 Channel 4 News 20:00 What We Still Don’t Know is why there were two meaty pizzas tonight and 15 bloody veggie ones. Editor Gary had better be careful: if this carries on, he could fall foul to The Great Pizza Revolution. 21:00 FILM: Bring It On, I dare you, order another mushroom and green pepper. 22:50 FILM: Bullitt 01:00 Norah Jones: Live In Nashville This will be about as uplifting as drawing a blunt knife across my balls. All of her songs sound the same. Don’t try and complain, Jonesy listeners, because we know you listen to Dido as well. 01:55 Dispatches 2:45 Strike: When Britain Went To War A pre-emptive look at the gair rhydd office after another week of meatless pizza. Vive la revolution! 4:45 Morgan & Platell

6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 7.30 Diggin'it 8.25 Up on the Roof: Including Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Totally Spies. Still a great show on TV. Make sure you check out the website listed in Quench last week: http://80scartoons.co.uk/ because it is utter genius and the most sentimental site on the web. Well, if you were born before 1986. 9.25 Finger Tips 9.35 Art Attack 10.00 Scary Sleepover 10.30 The Championship 11.15 My Favourite Hymns 12.15 Faultlines 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.15 FILM: Heavyweights (1994, Comedy) Haha. I guess fat people are quite funny. 15.55 The Railway Children 18.00 The Unforgettable Beryl Reid Well I have no fucking idea who she is. Loser. 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Royal The hotel in Heartbeat. Contender for the new show, The Worst Settings For A Programme... In The World Ever 1. 21.00 Agatha Christie's Marple A Body in the Library 23.00 ITV News 23.05 The South Bank Show 0.10 Sex and Religion This week sees the release of ‘Virgin Mary Condoms’. They’re blue. 01.00 Carry On Laughing 01.30 Building the Dream Documentary on ‘The TV Manners Empire’ 02.20 Trisha 03.35 Today with Des and Mel 04.25 ITV Nightscreen

P R I M E T I M E

E M I T E M I R P

19.00 Liquid Assets 20.00 Who Rules the Roost 21.00 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody 22.00 Not Under My Roof 22.55 Little Britain I spent an entire weekend trying to have a conversation with my friend Tim whose answer to any question was either ‘I want that one’ or ‘Yeah I know’. I’ve banned him from watching this show anymore because it’s warping his fragile little mind. 23.25 Little Britain 23.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.55 Nighty Night 01.25 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody 02.20 Who Rules the Roost 03.20 When Did You Last See Your Father? New documentary looking into the sordid world of orphans. Little Jimmy hasn’t seen his father for over four years. He claims he was killed in a car accident but the programme makers smell a rat and torture poor defenceless little Jimmy to reveal the truth. It pans out little Jimmy was actually telling the truth, but becomes a mute as a result of his ordeal. He’s not going to tell anyone then.

6:00 CBBC: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby-Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:30 Sunday Style 12:10 Shoebox Zoo 12:35 Sunday Grandstand 12:45 Sport + 13:00 Athletics: Great Ethiopian Run Instead of gold, silver and bronze they’re competing for their weight in grain. Second prize is a bottle of water. And bronze? Waterbiscuits. 13:15 Athletics: European Cross-Country Championships 14:00 Gymnastics: World Cup Final 15:45 Swimming: European Short-Course Championships 17:30 Tawny Owls 17:40 Search for Polar Bears 18:10 Natural World Isn’t it ironic that there are two nature programmes about endangered animals followed closely by a show about evil, toxic cars? No? Fine, go and wallow in your own filth, oil lover. 19:00 Top Gear 20:00 FILM: The Affair of the Necklace Silent movie about some pearls. Silent because, obviously, a necklace can’t talk. 21:50 What the Victorians Did for Us Conquered vast swathes of the world and enslaved hundreds of thousands of people meaning we’re hated around the world nowadays. Thanks. 22:00 Have I Got News for You 22:30 Match of the Day 2 23:20 Fighting Talk 23:50 FILM: Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills in the Community: Raising Funds 03:00 Media Relations 04:00 Enterprising Ideas 05:00 What You Need to Know If I told you that, I’d have to kill you.

A Different Life five 11.30pm

Your Union

6:00 Breakfast 8:10 Match of the Day 9:30 Breakfast with Frost They complain the population is becoming increasingly more overweight and yet there is a show concerned with a man eating his breakfast. I mean, when will they ever learn? 10:30 Down to Earth 11:30 Countryfile 12:30 The Politics Show 13:30 EastEnders 15:25 The Blue Planet 16:15 Keeping Up Appearances 16:45 Songs of Praise 17:25 Fungus the Bogeyman 18:15 Rolf on Art: Christmas Special Ohh-ahhhaa-ahh-ohh-ahh-haa-ahh (waves strange board around in a musical fashion). That’s my Rolf Harris impression. Good isn’t it? Do you remember when, back in the day, Rolf used to have a regular show on a Sunday afternoon spending ages drawing a cartoon? Can you guess what it is yet? 18:45 Antiques Roadshow 19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 Sports Review of the Year Oh great. Over two hours of insincere hero worship. Why on earth do illiterate sportsmen get paid ridiculous money when they have difficulty stringing a sentence together? Summary of the review...sports people are universally dumb. Now you can avoid this and go and watch something worthwhile. 22:15 BBC News; Weather 22:30 Kirsty's Millions 23:30 FILM: When a Man Loves a Woman Sing along kiddies, ‘When a maaaaaannnnnnn loves a woooooooooooman, he caaan’t think of nothing elllllse’. 01:35 Joins BBC News 24

Emmerdale ITV 7pm

Fimbles BBC2 6am

P R I M E T I M E

Not Under My Roof BBC3 10pm

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! 029 20229977

18:00 The Mighty 20:00 Little Voice I managed to lose mine this week and it’s not good. I sound like a cross between Madge Bishop and Marge Simpson. 22:00 Christmas Controversy: Bowling For Columbine What’s the difference between Bowling For Soup and Bowling for Columbine? One’s a big turd aimed at undereducated teenagers where the main joke, that isn’t funny, is a overweight twat devoid of any humour. And the other is Bowling For Soup. (TV John, 2004) Why won’t Michael Moore ever be president? Because he’s a fat cunt. You know Michael Moore? Dead mate. Car accident. 0:00 Extreme: The Idiots Unfortunately this has nothing to do with the classic 80s band but is about stupid people or something. There seems to be a theme running through this evening’s listings. 02:05 Bodysong 03:35 Unhook The Stars No don’t because they’ll all fall down otherwise. Might look pretty though.

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Five Minute Fun

Page 40

December 6 2004

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

A: They’re good to lean on. B: You can’t get done for drink-driving one. C: The pine needles can be juiced to produce a potent hangover cure.

The Big Quiz* * More fun than brussel sprouts

3. Christmas - Huh - What is it good for?

‘He said what?!...’

Hurrah! The all new caption competition. This week we’re continuing the festive theme. Answers on the back of an email to the usual address.

A: Absolutely nothing (sing it again)... oh no, hang on... that’s ‘war’, isn’t it? B: Whoever gets the royalties for the endless Only Fools and Horses repeats. C: Novelty charity Christmas singles (see question one). D: The unique oppor tunity of getting pissed with your Grandma.

1. Do they know it’s Christmas time at all? A: Feeeeeed thaa wooooorrrrlld! B: No, because ‘they’ are the people of Sudan, who are in fact Muslim. They don’t celebrate Christmas, Geldof, you cunt. C: Surely ever yone’s Christmas has come early when Dizzee Rascal star ts ‘rapping’ in verse two, innit?

4. Which of the following is not one of Santa’s reindeer? A: B: C: D:

Dasher Flasher Donner Rudolph

2. Why are Christmas trees good news for drunken students?

Annsummers: 1.B & C, 2.C, 3.D, 4.B

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant. Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Well hello there. I’ve been Editor of this prestigious page for a whole semester now (well, almost). I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve spent far too long in this bloody office producing mediocrity. Hopefully you’ve found it mildly entertaining. It now seems that the festive period is well and truly upon us. To celebrate, I’ve compiled a Five Minute Fun Christmas special. I’m looking forward to the holidays: not getting up before 2pm, eating too much, doing no physical activity, spending 12 hours a day in front of the TV . . . it’s all sounding rather familiar. Still, when else do your parents offer you a drink at nine in the morning? Happy Holidays!

Sarah

in the event of a tie . . .

All I want for Christmas is . . .

* Nothing about front teeth please

Six Degrees of... 1O

Go on, give it a whirl. Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in. No prizes are given for being a smartarse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Tie Breaker : _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: Renee Zellwger to Colin Firth (Bridget Jones) to Alan Rickman (Love Actually) to Matt Damon (Dogma) to Gwyneth Paltrow (The Talented Mr Ripley) to Angelina Jolie (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow)

“We can’t score ten goals every game but four isn’t bad.”

Spor t gair rhydd

Issue 778 6 December 2004 | Email: grsport@hotmail.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

Joe Cornish, Hockey men’s 2nds vice-captain, December

IMG controversy

BUSA action

AU’s dramatic action leads to Law and Momed complaints Back page

Your detailed guide to all this week’s uni sport Pages 42 and 43

Below: IMG results, fixtures and tables

ROUND-UP IMG FOOTBALL RESULTS NETBALL IMG

Netball Results from the final group games 24/11/04

Group A P

Pts

2 Economics

6 6

3 AFC History

15 15

4 Jomec

-6

5 Architecture

-18

6 Irish Society

6 6

-2

7 Euros

-20

8 Christian Union

-11

3 0

Pos 1 Banko FC

I MG

Group B P

Pts

1 Accountancy

2 Engin A

Pos

2 Psychology B

3 Law B

12 9

4 Carbs B

5 English Soc 6 Engin Girls

5 5

1 0

0 0

4 5

-37 -67

3 0

Pts

1 Cardiff Uni A

2 Pharmacy A

3 Chemsoc B

-8

4 Carbs A

-50

-45

I MG Pos

-3

-11

ECONOMICS FC 6 - 1 EUROS IRISH SOCIETY 2 - 1 CHRISTIAN UNION JOMEC 0 - 8 BANKO FC AFC HISTORY 5 - 1 ARCHITECTURE

6 Optometry B

4 5

-16

-25

4 Chemsoc

5 Optometry

6 Woodville S’ers

7 Psycho Athletico

8 AFC Camp Allen

Group C D

Group A

Pos

Group B OPTOMETRY B 1 - 24 PHARMACY A OPTOMETRY A 4 - 5 CHEMSOC B CARBS A 5 - 19 CARDIFF UNI A

Football Results 01/12/04

Pts

Group B ACCOUNTANCY 7 - 2 AFC CAMP ALLEN CARBS A 1 - 1 CHEMSOC ENGIN A 5 - 1 WOODVILLE SCREAMERS PSYCHO ATHLETICO 1 - 6 OPTOMETRY

Pts

1 Law A

2 Chemsoc

3 Cardiff Uni B

4 Pharmacy B

-21

-27

-85

Group C

2 RP Lakers

4 Carbs B

JOHN JENKINS FC 0 - 1 EARTH SOC CARBS B 2 - 2 RP LAKERS SOCSI 1 - 3 ENGLISH SOC ENGIN B 0 - 2 ATHLETICO ROY

6 Pharmacy C

3 John Jenkins FC 5 Athletico Roy

-4

6 Engin B

-9

7 English Soc

-26

8 Socsi

-18

I MG

Group D P

Pts

Rugby results

1 Law A

2 Momed

Pharmacy 16 - 12 Masts Carbs A 17 - 10 Masts

3 Law B

4 Dynamo C’turion

-3

5 Cardiff Dragons

-6

7 7

6 Japsoc

-12

7 Inter Me Nan

-12

8 V’co de Pharma

Pos

Football Fixtures

WOODVILLE S’ERS V OPTOMETRY

08/12/04

JOHN JENKINS FC V CARBS B

ECONOMICS V IRISH SOCIETY EUROS V CHRISTIAN UNION JOMEC V AFC HISTORY BANKO FC V ARCHITECTURE ACCOUNTANCY V CARBS A AFC CAMP ALLEN V CHEMSOC ENGIN A V PSYCHO ATHLETICO

EARTH SOC V RP LAKERS SOCSI V ENGIN B ENGLISH SOC V ATHLETICO ROY MOMED V INTER ME NAN LAW B V DYNAMO CENTURION JAPSOC V CARDIFF DRAGONS VASCO DE PHARMA V LAW A

Group C P

1 Earth Soc

MOMED (result void - game rearranged for Sunday 5th December) LAW B INTER ME NAN 1 - 1 DYNAMO C’TURION JAPSOC 3 - 2 VASCO DE PHARMA CARDIFF DRAGONS 1 - 8 LAW A

Pts

Group B

I MG Pos

5 Socsi

Group D

Group A P

1 Psychology A

Group C PHARMACY B 7 - 14 CHEMSOC PHARMACY C 2 - 16 LAW A CARDIFF UNI B 14 - 3 SOCSI

By Fraser Watson AU Vice President

5 5

Pos Group A ENGLISH SOC 2 - 17 PSYCHOLOGY B CARBS B 5 - 9 LAW B ENGIN GIRLS 2 - 17 PSYCHOLOGY A

5 Optometry A

3 Carbs A

I MG

IMG

AU VICE’S COLUMN

I MG

Rugby P

Pts

1 Carbs A

160

2 Carbs B

-5

3 Law

-37

4 Pharmacy

-18

5 Engin

-23

6 Masts

7 Sawsa

-7

8 Gym Gym

-63

Pos

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY sport heads into the new year in a very healthy state indeed, with seven of our clubs topping their respective divisions and many more in contention for BUSA titles. On behalf of the AU, I’d like to congratulate and thank all our clubs for their magnificent efforts over the term, and our best ever finish in the BUSA standings remains a genuine possibility. Furthermore, for all clubs involved, the date for the varsity ‘battle’ with Swansea has now been set for April 27 2005 and will again culminate with the rugby challenge match at the Brewery Field. All clubs will be notified with further details in the new year. With teams vying for places in next year’s Premiership, it promises to be a nail-biting day for IMG footballers this Wednesday. In relation to that, teams are not allowed to amend their ‘B’ sides for the sake of winning crucial games, as one side found out to its cost last Wednesday. Any teams found to be doing this shall be forced to replay their game. Also, I’d like to confirm that phase two of the netball competition is underway, as I understand there was confusion amongst some sides last week. I’d also like to thank all IMG members whose effort has ensured another successful and, as always, slightly controversial, term of IMG. Also, I’d like to congratulate all those who were recently awarded a place on this year’s bursary award scheme, and I sincerely hope the scheme helps your training and performance in every way possible. Finally, best of luck to all clubs with re-arranged matches this Wednesday.

English triumph in basement battle By Dave Doyle IMG Correspondent THE CLASH between English and Socsi at the bottom of group C always promised to be a tense and passionate encounter, and the teams didn’t disappoint, as English ground out a 3-1 victory in a match of gritty and determined battling. From the first whistle, English appeared to have the upper hand on the Socsi squad with the first chance put wide by English striker Dan Mulgrew in the first couple of minutes. English kept applying the pressure well with consistent passing between the midfield and the strikers. A series of through-balls constantly threatened the Socsi back-line and a goal seemed inevitable. In the 17th minute the goal came when English striker Alan Clark shook off two defenders and slid the ball into

the bottom left corner with his outstretched foot. A minute later, Clark nearly got his second as he raced through the Socsi defence to latch onto Huw Morgans’ pass. The ball was slammed wide of the post but the English morale was clearly at its zenith. A second goal finally came in the 35 th minute when wing-back Dave Knobbler surged onto Alan Clark’s cross and powered his diving header past the helpless Socsi keeper. Despite a couple of chances from the Socsi boys and some defensive shakiness in the English camp, the game was definitely in English control going in to the second half. However, Socsi admirably rose to the challenge in the second half and the game became much more even. Good passing on the Socsi offensive exploited the previously under-worked English back four. Striker Chris Gale smashed

the English nirvana with an awesome lob over ‘keeper Roger Faires in the 54th minute. The pressure from Socsi increased, forcing the previously dodgy English defence to raise their game. Dangerous passes between Gale and strike partner Ross Farrugia were effectively dealt with by the centre-backs Steve Wearne and Dave Matchem. There were a number of chances from the Socsi attack including a shot from winger James Elgar that went narrowly wide and would have brought the scores level. The pressure was relieved finally when English striker Clark again lost his defenders in the Socsi box and accurately slotted the ball across goal into the bottom left corner. The match finished 3-1, pulling the English team out of their winning drought and leaving Socsi pointless at the bottom of the table.

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Cardiff crushed by rivals Cardiff men’s seconds 1-7 Glamorgan men’s seconds By Chris Allen Football Correspondent ON A DARK and cold Wednesday afternoon at Llanrumney, an underpar Cardiff second XI, who were 6-0 down at half-time, were finally beaten 7-1 by a rampant Glamorgan second XI. Having beaten high-flying UWIC 61 the previous week, Cardiff came into this game with all the confidence required to overcome a Glamorgan team they had thrashed 6-0 earlier in the season. But right from the start of the match it seemed as though Cardiff had failed to show up, and they were soon behind. A rasping shot from the Glamorgan striker dipped and swerved in the air to deceive Cardiff ‘keeper Ed Harris, and find its way through his arms into the back of the net. From then on in, Cardiff seemed to be on a downward path. The second Glamorgan goal came due to a defensive mix up between centre-back Lewis Barr and ‘keeper Harris. Barr attempted a headed back pass but failed to get a sufficient connection on the ball, and with Harris stranded in no-man’s land, the Glamorgan striker stole in to clip the ball over the custodian’s head.

With Cardiff struggling to get a string of decent passes together, Glamorgan looked far better than they actually were, and added two more goals in relatively quick succession. On both occasions, Cardiff players were caught in possession, and Glamorgan were able to break forward and finish past an increasingly frustrated Harris. Despite Cardiff looking better as half-time approached, Glamorgan still found enough time and space to add two further goals to t h e i r tally, one of which was the only quality Glamorgan goal all afternoon. A wonderful 25-yard volley from their midfielder darted into the roof of the net via Harris’s outstretched hand. Going into halftime 6-0 down prompted Cardiff substitute Wheeler to exclaim: "This is the worst performance I’ve seen from this team, absolute rubbish." A half-time grilling from Cardiff’s senior players produced

a marked improvement in their play, but despite their better ball possession and passing, they still struggled to create many clear-cut opportunities, and their best, midway through the second half, was drilled wide by Dan Gunion. Wheeler came on and added some vigour to the midfield, and Ben Thomas in his new role as striker got in some long-range efforts on goal, but none really tested the seriously under-worked Glamorgan ‘keeper. Glamorgan finished their goal-scoring efforts in style, despite a hint of offside. Poor marking left a Glamorgan player free inside the box, and with his back to goal, he buried the ball with a stylish over-head kick. Cardiff restored some pride to the score-line through substitute Dom Connor. After some good pressure on the Glamorgan goal, Cardiff earned a corner and as the ball came free inside the box, Connor blasted it in first time to give Cardiff a share of the spoils in the second half, if not the whole match.

Cardiff Cobras claim Welsh Bowl yet again Seven up for uni’s American footballers after win in Bristol By David Pruett and Phil Stark American football reporters CARDIFF COBRAS claimed the Welsh Bowl for the seventh year in a row with a 6-0 victory over Tarannau Aberystwyth in Bristol last month. On the day, defences dominated as the offences, not helped by the sticky conditions, continually got bogged down. The game quickly turned into a war of attrition as both teams looked to establish a ground game. The first quarter passed by as both team’s offences struggled to adapt to the heavy conditions and the defences set the tone for a tough game. The second quar ter saw Aberystwyth focus on running the ball, but some great hits at the line of scrimmage by linebackers George Mowbray, Iyad Al Dandachi and Sam Williams meant they were unable to get any joy on the ground. When Cardiff’s opponents looked to the air, the Cobras’ defensive backs stepped up to deny any completed passes, particularly CB Harry Maynard, as he intercepted and returned the ball

15 yards, giving the offence great field position. In the second quarter, after a holding penalty left the Cobras looking at a third and long situation, QB David Pruett looked deep to WR Andrew Giblin but was picked-off by the Aber secondary and yet another drive by the offence was stopped. On their next drive, Cardiff moved the ball through the air behind some great catching by Mike Whear and John Bateman, but unfortunately time ran out on the drive and the first half ended scoreless. In the second half, Cardiff’s offence began to show signs of life, driving the ball deep into Aber territory behind some great catching by WRs Andy Hardy and Warren Coombes. But it was on the ground that they would score, with RB John Bateman finding a seam up the right side, getting some great blocks downfield and going 18 yards for the score. The PAT failed. Despite some concerted Aber pressure in the closing stages, the Cobras hung on, giving head coach Tim Macy his first win of the season.

Oar-inspiring Bristol success for nine teams representing Cardiff University By Jonathon Redman Rowing Correspondent THE ROWING CLUB demonstrated its ability at the University of Bristol Head Race last weekend with nine different crews entered for Saturday’s racing against strong competition from other rowing universities. The event was also an opportunity for rowers new to the sport to have their first taste of competition with the event including specific novice racing categories. In their first race of the year, the first eight overshadowed much of the competition, beating off teams from Queen’s College, Oxford and Southampton, amongst others, over the 3.5km course. The first eight finished in second place behind Bristol on their home water, while the second eight also

raced hard, looking strong and composed as they crossed the line, ensuring a fifth placed finish. Both men’s eights raced again later in the day after some crew changes in which Jonny Sykes and Jonathan Redman came in to the ‘engine room’ in the middle of the boat, while Oliver Burdall went in at bow. The firsts exploded from the start line and finished faster than in the morning’s races, once again dispatching Queen’s College and Bournemouth, the race culminating in victory for Bristol A and a rare Mexican stand-off between Cardiff and Southampton - a mere six seconds behind. Fine performances were also displayed by the women’s squad who finished third and fourth from eight entries in coxed fours, with the A crew just one second off second place.

PHOTO: Jonathan Redman

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Cardiff 2nd XV 30 Glamorgan 17

Glamorgan grinders Men’s rugby seconds get back to winning ways against local rivals By Fraser Watson Rugby Correspondent AFTER THE DISAPPOINTMENT of losing out to promotion rivals UWIC the previous week, Cardiff put their BUSA campaign firmly back on track with an impressive win over local rivals Glamorgan. Skipper Sam Burford was particularly keen to praise his side’s character, commenting: "To bounce back from last week with our most impressive display of the season speaks volumes about the commitment of the boys'. Cardiff, however, still made hard work of the win after appearing to be cruising early on, Pete Salmon going in under the posts after receiving Ed Bradknock’s long pass.

Cirencester hammered by rampant Cardiff Lucky seven for men’s hockey firsts as Paul Hayes grabs a hat-trick By Gareth Owen Hockey Correspondent CARDIFF’S MEN’S FIRST hockey team produced a stunning display last Saturday to hammer league leaders Cirencester 7-0. Without university opposition for two weeks, Cardiff firsts needed to focus on the South West Saturday league. With inconsistent results and performances in recent weeks, Cardiff f irsts hosted top of the league Cirencester in what proved to be a crucial game in their search for promotion. A goal in the very first minute set the tempo for what was a superb display by Cardiff. On-form Chris Rhodes found himself open on goal to score his fifth goal of the season. But Cirencester fought back, putting pressure on the Cardiff defence and winning several short corners. Goalkeeper Adam French lived up to his reputation, making some magnif icent saves that Fabian Barthez himself would be proud of.

Even though the opposition threatened, Cardiff continued to move the ball with pace across the field and were rewarded with three more goals before half-time. The second half began in similar fashion. Skipper Tony Gough scored the fourth from a trademark short corner routine. It was 5-0 shortly afterwards when Paul Hayes pounced on the loose ball, thrashing it into the goal to round off his hattrick. Cardiff then took their foot off the accelerator and played the possession game, forcing the league leaders to be mere spectators. Will Marshall dominated the game in the middle of the park, spreading the ball wide to give full-backs Alex Jones and Edward Doyne-Ditmus time and space to join the attack. It was from the right-hand side that Cardiff scored their sixth. Alex Jones pushing forward, releasing Nick Gough into space, who crossed to Rob Sparrow who audaciously finished with a neat nutmeg to score his second of the game. A

Men’s seconds put four unanswered goals past over-the-bridge rivals By Paul Hayes Hockey Correspondent A 4-0 AWAY VICTORY over Bristol has kept the men’s seconds in contention for promotion. Despite facing a well-drilled Bristol side that had already beaten Cardiff thirds 6-5, Ryan Brignall gave Cardiff the dream start with a goal in the opening minute.

Some fantastic work in midfield by Henry Cole and Jon Attwood gave the front two several chances, forcing Bristol’s goalkeeper to make some decent saves. The home side never threatened and Cardiff went from strength to strength, Nick Pouten added a second when he connected to a through ball at full stretch, placing the ball inside the right post. Moments before half-time, Jim

Cardiff women’s 1sts 1 Southampton women 3

7-0 drubbing of the league leaders proved that Cardiff have the ability to win promotion. Captain Tony Gough commented: "Even with four regulars missing, we showed that we have the strength in depth to beat the best teams in the league. If we continue to play as we did today, we can stay unbeaten for the rest of the season. That is what we expect." This resounding victory comes on the back of an eventful week for Cardiff ’s elite hockey players. The previous week’s match with table-toppers Southampton was abandoned with 25 minutes to go after a floodlight failure at the south coast side’s home ground. Cardiff had just levelled the score at 1-1 in the crucial game when the problem occurred. Cardiff hope the game is replayed, giving the f irsts the chance of beating and thus overtaking Southampton in the league, but the matter is still in the hands of BUSA and the respective athletic unions.

Promotion dreams remain after blitzing of Bristol

Denning had a goal controversially disallowed but this didn’t hinder Cardiff ’s attitude, as the visitors continued to pile on the pressure. Captain Jon Attwood scored the fourth from a short corner which surprised all players as it crept past the goalkeeper. Jim Denning nearly added to the tally with a furious drag flick that the goalkeeper managed to push over for a long corner.

over in the corner. His score was closely followed by a simple Bradknock penalty. Glamorgan tried desperately to respond but were met with fierce resistance, most notably in the form of crunching tackles from Kiel Wright and Simon Westwood once again. Hooker Owain Griffith also found himself unlucky not to get on the scoresheet after being tackled by Glamorgan full back Roger Lewis following a 50 metre break. In the closing minutes Cardiff began to dominate and, moments after Nick Grant nearly benefited from a defensive mix up, flying winger Sebastian Duran sped over on the right wing to seal an impressive home win for the second XV.

PHOTO: Vel Bonderessia

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

With the Cardiff pack applying constant pressure, a second try was only going to be a matter of time and the inevitable occurred after Danny Brown broke free and provided a platform for Owain Wynne to pick up good ruck ball and force his way over from close range. However, Glamorgan, to their credit, fought back through tries from scrum-half Rob James and winger Richard Jones, James himself slotting both conversions to level the game. It took an injury time penalty from fly-half Bradknock to ensure Cardiff took a lead at the interval. After fighting off early pressure, Cardiff’s defining moment came when Pete Salmon broke free on the left wing and fed centre Simon Westwood, who crashed

So’ton sink hockey firsts By Catherine Earl Hockey Correspondent CARDIFF WOMEN’S hockey firsts lost out to Southampton last Wednesday, going down 3-1 at Talybont. Cardiff started slowly but soon settled into the match. Samantha Carr finished off a strong Cardiff attack which saw Becki Wheeler’s terrific skill create an opening. Cardiff Player of the Match Wheeler was outstanding

throughout. Her strong tackling and boundless energy deserve great credit. The home side was repeatedly put under pressure by Southampton’s gifted players and arrived at the half-time break with the score one apiece. The visitors were extremely impressive again in the second half and netted twice more with drag-flicks from penalty corners. A number of fantastic saves from goalkeeper Rhian Evans prevented further damage.

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Downhill all the way

Gareth Evans talks to ace Cardiff University downhill mountain biker Phil Shucksmith

PHOTO: Adam Gasson

MOUNTAIN BIKING IS not exactly the most accessible sport to us city slickers at Cardiff Uni. Even if our student loans could be stretched sufficiently to afford a bike, a helmet, padding and a host of other biking accessories needed for the slippery slopes, where on earth would we practice? There aren’t any mountains in Cardiff, are there? Luckily, help was at hand. Phil Shucksmith, nationally recognised mountain biker and university legend, was here to answer all of my questions. As soon as I met Phil, in the spirit of journalistic honesty, I told him that what I know about mountain biking could be written on the back of a postage stamp. As far as I was aware, mountain biking was just about trying to go downhill faster than Norwich’s chances of Premiership survival, but Phil soon put me straight. "It’s a lot more complicated than just turning up and riding down a hill. The events I attend are usually over two days. The first day is dedicated to practising the course because they’re

IMG FOOTBALL

rt Match repo

MOMED 0 - 1 LAW B

A GAME OF TWO HALVES Momed muse on an agonising defeat tempo and had two good chances, By Tom Shedden culminating in Owen Williams hamMOMED TOOK TO the fields of mering a shot from the edge of the Pontcanna in good heart, ready box just past the post. Good chances came from the for this keenly-awaited corners throughout the first half game. It but Momed never put a finishing proved to be touch on them. Law pressurised a tough and Steve Gee: 7 8 for the remainder of the half and g r i t t y Tim Pearcae:rdy: 9 -H could have scored twice but firm e n c o u n t e r Si Cane : 8 on tt ri B defending and an excellent save against a Maatt 7 : ill H M tt from Steve Gee kept Law at resilient Law Owen Williams: 7 is: 7 bay. B team. Nick Lew 7 7 lundell: After half-time, a more The game Nick B a-Kumar: nd a K S jay ds: 7 on fired-up Momed arrived on started with even Vee m d E Steve the pitch and a period of tough play on both Asher Pirie: 7 football ensued. Law were sides before Law All Subs: 7 extemely effective in attack but took the initiative from some poor defending to score could not break through Momed’s from close range. For the next ten defence. As the half carried on, Momed minutes, Momed increased their

atings Player R

began to push forward in search of an equaliser and came close with a header from captain Matt Britton that went agonisingly wide of the target. Momed again had to defend for long periods but the back four had a stomring second half and were excellent in clearing the ball and supporting the midfield. Supporters from both sides were voicing their encouragemnt and disagreements loudly as the match drew to a lively close, with the ref having to make some tough and contentious decisiions, but in fairness, it was never going to be an easy match to referee. At the final whistle, Momed had lost the match but they can take heart over a battling performance and can look forward to their next encounter.

The triumphant Lawyers’ summing-up for Law B to move into second place with the possibility of both teams reachTODAY THE IMG witnessed a game ing the glory of the Premiership. Law B started with such that had potentially unparalforce and vigour leled consequences. Law B that it left who, reeling from a shock Ken Ge or : 8 Momed stunned, defeat to Inter Me Nan the Jaime Page to n: giving Law B the previous week, took on a Gaz Owen: 8 9 Toby Pe ars: 9 chance to start Momed team lacking the tal- Da ve aylo r: 9 playing the ball ent of former IMG cam- Nick FT ox: about and penetrate paigns, but still a threat Toby Butle9r: 9 John Sp an amateurishnonetheless. arrowhaw Ale k: 10 looking defence. As it stood, this was a must- Robx Jenkins: 9 Sta Toby Butler and win game for both teams, with Steff ndish: 9 Williams: 10 Nick Fox dazzled the entry to the Premiership withfullbacks, leaving in reach. What was more spectacular them chasing shadwas the fact that with Law A dominating the top of the table, this was the chance ows all game, while John Sparrowhawk

By Alex Jenkins

Player R atings

and Alex Jenkins kept the midfield under control, leaving Rob and Steff to terrorize the lacklustre centre-backs. Law’s break came through constantly battering the sub-standard Momed players into submission, and after another lightning attack, the ball fell to Sparrowhawk just outside the box, who hit an exquisite left-foot volley which Toby Pears expertly flicked into the goal past the ineffective goalkeeper. Dodgy time-keeping from Momed meant a considerably longer second half but an outstanding performance, led by inspirational captain Gaz Owen meant Law were just too good for this distinctly average team of has-beens. The Premiership here we come!

made to be as tight, twisty, technical and fast as possible." It seems you won’t win a race simply by relying on death-defying speed or being as mental as possible (so my theory was thrown out of the window). "I usually walk the course a couple of times to build up a mental picture of the track, then do a couple of practice runs, and the racing itself takes place on the second day." Shucksmith, 19, represented the British junior team as a youngster and after coming runner-up in the Expert category last year, has now moved up to Professional level. This is a huge achievement for someone who does the sport alongside a Business Administration degree. "Me and the other bikers in university practice whenever we get the chance; Wednesday afternoons, weekends or whenever we’re free." Shucksmith was recently awarded a financial bursary for his efforts: "Racing is really expensive. You have to pay entry fees, and you need money for diesel so a weekend event can cost

up to £200. Plus, in theory, the gear could cost up to seven grand". A small bike shop in Bristol sponsors him but for competitions as far away as Scotland, like the student championship this year, Shucksmith needs all the financial aid possible. When asked where he practices for such events, Shucksmith claimed that Wales was the perfect location: "There aren’t any good places back home in Surrey, and England hasn’t got many good races. We head straight up to the valleys, the access roads are brilliant and the hills are perfect. We enjoy building jumps and corners and things but I can’t tell you where, that’s secret!" So, not only do the Welsh have the best sports stadium in Britain, they have the best mountain biking tracks too. And, due to the recent disappointment of the Welsh football team at that very stadium, perhaps our national pride should instead rest upon the shoulders of the Cardiff University mountain bikers, especially Phil Shucksmith… no pressure Phil.

Another win in the Banko IMG Football: Banko FC 8-0 Jomec FC By Matt Ramsden Football Correspondent

away by a blistering display from the Banko forward line. Despite only being a handful of games into the season, Banko look a team who have played together for years, their knowledge of each others’ movement and passing often appeared almost telepathic. Despite a committed work-rate and tireless displays from McConnell, Tolcher and terrier-like Reed-Drake, Jomec were too often caught out by the constant switching of the play by the Banko midfielders. Keeping Banko reduced to just two first half goals from Slatter and Mar del l saw a

ANYONE WHO’S EVER played or supported competitive football has suffered this scenario. After an optimistic pre-season, new additions to the squad and shiny kits hot off the press, sights are aimed high. A push for the Premiership, a tilt at promotion to the Football League or winning the local amateur Sunday league. Anything seems possible with a little enthusiasm, panache and, more than anything, a desire to win. Very often, this carries on into the first few games, as old groin injuries resurface and the green velvet playing surface gradually starts to resemble the Somme. However, for most of us football lovers, this is the time of the season when these dreams are stretchered off for a season of recuperation and gentle nursing, our dreams of heady glimmer heights replaced by the reality of a of hope long, hard season. This week was for Jomec that realisation for Jomec Football at the interClub. val, but a After a promising early start to barrage of the season, the dreams of a high preBanko pressure Christmas league finish are beginsaw this quickly ning to look less likely after two extinguished as demoralising defeats. After a Mardell (four), Slatter lacklustre 4-3 defeat at the (three) and O’Neil helped to hands of Architecture, the contribute to an already fixture against impressive goal difference. Banko didn’t A lot of deep heat needs to be exactly promapplied to that re-occurring ise respite PHOTO: Ceri Williams groin injury before after their Wednesday’s crunch game explosive start to the with History if Jomec’s hopes of season. And so it materialised. Despite an success are not to be consigned to initial resistance, Jomec were blown the treatment room.

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Bigger than boxing Cardiff student and The Times journalist Riath Al-Samarrai enters the world of Ultimate Fighting and escapes to tell the intriguing tale

hile Lewis Barrow was lying on the canvas with blood trickling down his face, he stared up at me through the one eye that hadn’t been bruised shut. As I looked on at this pulverised man, who just two and a half minutes earlier had swaggered his toned body into the ring, I wondered what he must have been thinking. Was he afraid of Golam Hussan, the giant Afghanistani wrestler, who’d just beaten him beyond recognition? Did he regret stepping into the ring? Did he resent the hundreds of people cheering at his suffering? The simple answer to all these questions is that I will never know. Within the time it took to absorb a further three elbows in the face, Barrow was unconscious. The barked response to my request for an interview, “No, piss off before you get some,” courtesy of his trainer. This was my charming introduction to the weird yet intriguing world of Ultimate Fighting.

At 5ft 6in and equipped with what would seem like ‘poncy’ ideals, I stand out badly Throughout my night in the Cardiff Coal Exchange’s makeshift fighting arena, I chewed over the words of Ian Freeman, six-times Ultimate Fighting Champion and the event’s co-organiser, “this sport will be bigger than boxing.” At first this seemed more like shameless promotion than a realistic expectation for a sport that doesn’t even have a governing body, but when time was called on Wales’ first taste of Ultimate Fighting, I began to think otherwise. And it shocked me. I mean, how can unharnessed aggression and raw brutality exist beyond pub rucks or the spandex feast that wrestling offers? “It is human nature to enjoy fighting. It’s blood lust”, croaks my neighbour on the ringside table I shared in this testosterone heaven, where bicep size

and impressive scars are a right of passage to attractive women and respect. At 5ft 6in and equipped with what would seem like ‘poncy’ ideals on what is acceptable in society, I stand out badly. But if this blood-thirsty crowd fitted the mould of my stereotype by getting off on the extreme violence on show, then the fighters most certainly did not. I should have known better as Danny Jacobs, a council officer in Cardiff moonlighting as one of my supposed barbarians, told me: “You should leave your preconceptions at the door. Everyone would like to believe we are all just thugs but we’re not.” And sure enough, as desperately as I hoped for a crazed psycho to turn up and prove me right, it just didn’t happen, as one by one fighters returned from battle with articulate greetings and friendly smiles. So where does the urge come from to ditch the shirt and tie and don a gum shield and gloves? “Most of the people fighting just have a point to prove, often to themselves. I started because it is a great way to keep fit, I didn’t go in the ring just wanting to hurt the other guy, that’s not what this is about.” Jacobs added, “It’s a sport and so you respect your opponent, I don’t know him to dislike him. The people who fight are nice and decent guys, far nicer than the average bloke you see down the pub on a Friday night.”

“This is more than just guys bashing each other”

Ian Freeman, six-times Ultimate Fighting Champion This simply was not a fight club. There was no violence for violence’s sake and fighters were not just expelling the tensions of a tough upbringing on whoever was stood in front them. “This is more than just guys bashing each other, it’s a sport that brings together all the different disciplines of martial arts,” Freeman explained. “The fighters have skill and control, and they all have martial arts backgrounds. This is nothing like the street fighting everyone compares it to.” As Sam John, an Ultimate Fighting coach, further points out, “most of the fighters are experts in sports like boxing, kick-boxing or jujitsu, and they are just looking for a new martial arts challenge. People will always talk about the risks involved but when you see a sport like boxing, where the main aim is to

continuously hit someone in the head, it should make you realise this sport is misunderstood.” With Barrow’s fight in mind I was still a bit wary, but even the ringside paramedic, who you’d expect to shake his head at such an apparent abuse of the body, gives his full support: “The worst injuries I have to deal with are the occasional broken hand or dislocated finger. Even football gives me more worries. Good referees ensure this never goes too far, and in time people will realise this sport is no more dangerous than any other type of martial art.”

As desperately as I hoped for a crazed psycho to turn up and prove me right, it just didn’t happen Maybe so, but what followed surprised me. The gruff chorus of the crowd faded into a low mumble and the occasional wolf-whistle as two women appeared in front of me, decked out in fighting gear. Previously the only women on display had been the ‘dolls’ held like trophies in the arms of macho-men, and the card girls courtesy of Cardiff ’s Fantasy Lounge strip bar. But you’d suspect these two women were different. When Rosi Sexton emerged victorious after a thunderous right hook smashed Kelly Salone to the canvas, she promptly dispelled all my remaining prejudgements on this night, “I’m not a Tom-boy, I just enjoy working out and training hard. I enjoy martial arts and this is the best sport you can do if you’re bored of just one discipline.” So what else does she do? “I’ve just finished a PhD in Maths.” If I hadn’t been expecting the unexpected I would have been speechless. So what does Freeman see as the next step for Ultimate Fighting? “We need a governing body to formalise a title and get publicity, but when all prejudgements are forgotten and people look at it, I have no doubt in my mind it will become bigger than boxing.” As I walked home I came across two lads pissed up on a night out who began throwing punches at each other, and then at the police. It was at this stage I realised Freeman perhaps had a point, his sport is misunderstood.

Who are the important players in the Ultimate Fighting world? We reveal all... Name: Paul Sutherland Ring name: The Punisher Age: 33 Occupation: Engineer Record: 8 wins 3 losses Titles: Ultimate Combat Lightweight Title Got started: “I’ve been in martial arts for 18 years and used to be British kick-boxing champion, but took up this new challenge about four years ago.” Worst injury: “Dislocated knee in training, but touch wood nothing has ever happened in an actual fight.” Most embarrassing moment: “Haven’t really had one, but probably something like tripping over the rope on the way into the ring.” Name: Rosie Sexton Ring name: The Surgeon Age: 26 Occupation: Just finished a PhD in maths. Currently running a martial arts business and writing part time. Record: 5 wins 0 losses Titles: Cagewarriors female title Got started: “I had been doing martial arts for years when I saw a documentary about this sport and just knew it was something I wanted to do.” Worst injury: “I fractured a metacarpal a few years ago in training.” Most embarrassing moment: Probably trying to explain what “cagefighting” was to my PhD supervisor!

Sport

December 6 2004

Page 47

grsport@hotmail.com

Relaying the pain

Having recovered from his Athens heartache, Matt Elias talks to John Stanton about Playstations, Linford Christie and having to live back at home with his mum

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

While his 4x400m relay teammates composed themselves for the arduous task of the post-race media interviews, Elias could be seen in the background, simply unable to raise himself from what appeared a tempo-

PHOTO:Layla Smith

ying prostrate on the Athens track, the television pictures of Matt Elias, heartbroken and crestfallen, were amongst the most enduring images of last summer’s Olympic Games.

ELIAS: Looking ahead

rary, emotional paralysis. Now largely recovered from the mental anguish sustained that night in the Greek capital, Elias explains: “It’s bizarre looking back at the pictures because I can’t really remember what was going through my mind while I was lying there. I remember wondering what had just happened. I look at the pictures as if it’s someone else. That experience is what’s driving me because I just don’t want to have that hurt again.”

Athens So, with a medal there for the taking and the hopes of a nation temporarily resting upon his broad shoulders, what went wrong? How did he come to finish fifth, when the moment he had dreamt of since childhood was just 45.03 seconds away? He explains: “There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about the final and think that we could have got a medal if I’d run it differently. “But anyone who knows me as an athlete and as a person knows that the one thing that I run with is heart, I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I’d run with my head on that day then I possibly could have got the bronze medal.” He continues: “An Australian guy went past me and in my head, I made a split decision to try to chase him. Unfortunately, I made it at the wrong point because I was going into the second bend and it meant I had to try to overtake the biggest Nigerian guy I’ve ever seen in my life. “That worked out that I ran an extra four metres trying to pass him and I ended up losing out on the bronze medal by about one and a half metres. That was the difference.” Elias was one of the people most affected by the inclusion in the British squad of American-turnedBriton Malachi Davis at the eleventh hour. Elias failed to qualify for the 400m individual event but, unlike Iwan Thomas, who aired his antiDavis views vociferously, Elias was disappointed rather than angry, “The reason that we all felt a little aggrieved was that it was all done at such short notice. “We found out that he had been given British citizenship two days before the Olympic trials and, as an athlete, you prepare yourselves mentally for the people you’re going to be competing against. I just think the whole situation could have been handled a bit better.” Entertainment As regards preparation, to the uninitiated, you might imagine the

Cypriot training camp was one of complete focus and day-long training sessions. While Elias’ attentions and those of his partner in crime, Jamie Baulch, rarely wavered from athletics, it was not always as you might think: “When we were in the Olympic holding camp in Cyprus, we took the PlayStation 2 with us and we’d train in the mornings and just go back and batter Athens (the computer game) for about eight hours, we were caning it! It got so competitive.”

Breakthrough So how has the 25 year-old come to be an Olympic veteran? Surely his natural talent shone through at an early age? Surely he ran at junior levels and made the natural progression to Great Britain representative? Not at all. Elias’ rise to prominence is one that encompasses no little effort, coupled with a stroke of fortune which emerged through being considered a ‘nutter’.

“I just think the whole situation could have been handled a bit better” He explains: “I was at UWIC for a semester but I used to hate it, I just can’t stand studying. So I left and was just training on my own with my coach and then, when I really needed to take the next step up, Jamie (Baulch) just came up to me and told me I was a nutter, always training on my own. So he suggested I should go and do some training sessions with him.” At the time, Baulch was coached by Barcelona Olympic gold medallist Linford Christie. Elias continues: “About a day later my phone rang and it was Linford. Bloody Linford Christie was on the phone to me! I was shocked and just couldn’t believe it. “I started training with them and the ‘Nuff Respect’ team in 2001 and by the summer of 2002 I’d won two gold medals at the European under 23 Championships. I’ve just gone from strength to strength since then.”

Living at home An Olympic finalist and European under 23 double gold medallist, presumably Elias lives in a luxurious manor in an exclusive suburb of his beloved Cardiff, living the bachelor life while pursuing his sporting

dreams? Unfortunately for him, it transpires that not everyone who appears on television has gold coins burning a hole in their diamondencrusted wallets. The Welshman explains: “I’m actually back in Llanishen now, living at home with my mum. It’s hard because I had a year living away with my friends and had the freedom to do whatever I wanted, but its purely for financial reasons.

“We’d train and just go back and batter Athens for about eight hours” “I had some financial problems, some cars stolen and I lost my sponsorship deal. Athletics is a harsh sport. I’m 25 now and living at home isn’t something that I want to be doing. My mum’s great and we get on really well but sometimes she won’t see me for three days and she gets a little bit stressed.”

Future With the dreaded close-season training schedule now well under way, Elias is lusting after a tiny little light which flickers at the end of what seems like a very long winter tunnel: “The training’s gruesome and it hurts a lot but my next big aim is the World Championships in Helsinki. Once I’m fully fit again I don’t think there’s any reason why I can’t make the final, although getting a medal is probably a bit out of my league at the moment.” For the amiable Elias, there can, at present, be no greater inspiration than the remarkable achievements of Kelly Holmes in Athens. He explains: “I think she has shown that age doesn’t really matter. The trials and tribulations that she’s been through since Atlanta in 1996 have made me realise that I’ve definitely got another two Olympics in me. An Olympics in London in 2012 would be the perfect way to end my career.” So, having confided some of his drunken antics from a well-earned post-Athens holiday in Faliraki, now is the time for the former red-headed attention-grabber to focus solely on recovering full fitness and achieving success in Helsinki. And, who knows, could it be that that flickering light at the end of that treacherously long tunnel is a star, within which is written a glorious swansong at a London Olympics in 2012?

Spor t gair rhydd

YOUR EXTENSIVE GUIDE TO ALL IMG RESULTS, FIXTURES AND TABLES PAGE 41

S U L

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

We interview Olympian Matt Elias and send a reporter into the unknown P world of Ultimate Fighting p a g e s 4 6 a n d 4 7 “An imbalance in lots of aspects in men’s rugby at the university.” Huw Davies, Medics rugby coach, Below

IMG anger Momed and Law furious as AU order them to re-play their match after result declared void

Exclusive By John Stanton Sports Editor

BATTLING ON: Medics fight on despite ‘imbalances’

THE ATHLETIC Union has sparked a furious row by forcing an IMG match to be replayed, after Momed made allegations of unfair conduct after their game with Law B. Momed claim the lawyers fielded a number of Law A players in an attempt to ensure both their sides gained Premiership places. Law captain Fergus Holden has reacted furiously, claiming his squad have done nothing wrong. He insists they had acted entirely within the rules laid down by the Athletic Union at the start of the year. Holden claims that Law are registered as one squad, rather than two separate teams, and that the AU has been fully aware of this situation since the beginning of the season. He explained: “We feel we have acted entirely within the new rules and regulations introduced by the AU and feel disappointed with their applications of these rules. “Never has either team played the same starting 11 two weeks running. With regard to the Momed match, 11 out of 14 players had represented the B team at least three times.” Gair rhydd asked the Athletic Union to provide team-sheets, so these claims could be verified, but the documents were apparently locked away and therefore unavailable. AU vice-president Fraser Watson has

announced that the fixture is scheduled to be replayed on Sunday, December 5. Momed chairman Tom Shedden has confirmed that he does not believe his side will be able to fulfil the fixture, as members of his team will not be available on Sunday. Shedden has expressed his disgust at the way the matter is being handled, branding the AU ‘spineless’, adding: “We’re being punished when it’s Law who have done something wrong. We’ve been shafted and shouldn’t be the ones who have to put ourselves out. “We’ve been stitched up. Our team won’t be there on Sunday. IMG takes place on Wednesdays, not Sundays.” Holden is similarly bemused by the actions of the AU: “They refused to confirm or deny the current situation. If it was not for gair rhydd I would be unaware of the replay. “Furthermore, I feel we were given inadequate opportunity to answer the accusations, other than a brief phone call where the severity of the situation was not made clear.” Watson clarified the stance of the underfire AU: “I feel that, in this situation, Law have intentionally packed their B side to ensure both teams gain qualification to the Premiership. “Their team-sheets show that this week’s B side had six players who also played for their A side against Momed just weeks ago.” Watson continued: “I don’t feel this is in either the spirit or the ethos of the IMG.” Gair rhydd has also learnt that, if Momed are unable to fulfil the fixture, Law B will be awarded the victory, along with the three points, by default.

Table-topping Medics speak out about merger problems By Ffion Atwell Chief Rugby Correspondent

HUW DAVIES, MEDICS rugby coach for 13 years, has raised concerns over what he describes as “an imbalance in lots of aspects in men’s rugby at the university”. His primary concern is that this year’s fixture schedule does not see the Men’s firsts meet the Medics firsts, a game that has been a tradition for many years. The sides met three times last year, the Medics win-

ning twice and being narrowly piped by the firsts in the other match. However, Cardiff Men’s firsts have not shown the same enthusiasm for a repeat match as their medical counterparts. Davies has tried to organise a game but said that Cardiff firsts coach Adrian Evans ‘had shown little interest in arranging fixture’. He went on to say that he felt that the match should be made into an annual event, questioning why the fixture had been shelved. The Medics have issued a state-

ment of intent to the university side, stating they ‘would be happy to meet them anytime, anywhere’. AU vice-president Fraser Watson explained: “Although it goes without saying that the firsts against the Medics would provide great interest, all meetings in recent years have been competitive meetings. “It is obviously not a priority for our first team to be arranging friendly fixtures outside of the BUSA Premier league” The Medics’ problems with finding

adequate training facilities have already been in the spotlight this term, after they were forced to hold one session in ‘car park’ lighting. Such a lack of facilities leaves the team with an obvious handicap, as their preparations are not as thorough as other teams within the league. The Medics also receive lesser financial support than the Cardiff firsts, as well as having a smaller pool of players to choose from. Such problems have prompted

Davies to organise a meeting with Union General Manager, Jason Dunlop. He was keen to stress his appreciation that Dunlop is seeking to help reach a viable conclusion and his hope is that short-term issues such as training facilities, transportation, and the unfulfilled fixture with Cardiff firsts can be resolved. However, he recognises that other issues, such as the team’s inferior financing, will not be resolved this year and highlights that as a longterm goal.

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMANS IN PETERBOROUGH ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ STD: SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DOYLE■ SEFTON HAS HAIR SHOCKER■ I WANT MY DOG BACK■ “TV JOHN...” “WILL YOUNG...”■ FELCHER BOYCOTTS OFFICE. DOYLE CRIES■MEAL’S AT HALF 7, NO WAIT HALF 4, OR MAYBE IT’S HALF 5. OH FECK ■ NO MORE SNAPPING MEETINGS UNTIL FEBRUARY■ WILL: TAKE MUSHROOMS, ADD SOME CHERRY TOMATOES AND, MAGIC, YOU’RE THE NEW ALEX

University Sport

Page 44

December 6 2004

grsport@hotmail.com

Uni sport for all

In the wake of recent criticisms regarding the allocation of post-merger faciities, gair rhydd examine the state of sports facilities available to students with disabilities and make some promising discoveries Talybont

By Matt Ramsden and Amy Davies Sports Correspondents IN RECENT WEEKS, the University has come under intense criticism regarding its distribution of facilities, particularly in the wake of the merger with the Medics. We continue to examine the condition of sports facilities and their accessibility, striving to ensure that Cardiff students have the best possible facilities available to them. The Disability Discrimination Act (1995) has recently been amended to ensure that ‘service providers… make reasonable adjustments to their premises so that there are no physical barriers stopping or making it unreasonably difficult for disabled people to use services.’

Changes In light of this change, coupled with recent events at our university, we thought it apt to investigate the condition of disabled sports facilities within Cardiff ’s universities. This issue has arisen in recent months, with universities realising the need for more adequate disabled facilities, raising not only legal, but also moral issues. On October 1 this year, the final provisions of the Disability Discrimination Act 1995 were implemented, following an amendment to the original act, in the form of the Special Educational Needs & Disability Act 2001. This clearly shows the intention of Parliament to improve the educational rights of disabled people.

Our investigation of Cardiff University’s disabled facilities led us first to Talybont, one of the main sites for sporting activity at the university. Ed Lewis, Operations Manger at Talybont Sports Centre, although not able to give us an official statement, did emphasise that he and his colleagues work to ensure that disabled students are not substantially disadvantaged. Lewis explained: “Recent physical adjustments have included the improvement in access to the two popular fitness facilities offered at the University Sports Centre (Talybont) and the University Fitness Centre at Park Place.” It is clear that Cardiff students are in a privileged position, whereby they are catered for admirably by the university. Lewis continued: “Sport & Exercise actively encourage all members to disclose any disability or relevant health related information, to enable us to make further reasonable adjustment in response to any particular needs.” Mathew Williams, one of the University’s disability advisers, explained how, although his knowledge was not as extensive as that of the staff at Talybont, the disabled student whom he was accompanying was more than happy with the facilities.

Undercover To test out the validity of these statements, gair rhydd decided to go undercover at Park Place gym to investigate just how accessible the

facilities are for anyone in a wheelchair. Access to Park Place is via a long ramp leading up to the front door and has the gym on the ground floor, perfect for wheelchair access. Venturing into the gym, several of the machines focused on an upper body workout, such as ‘lat pull downs’. These have adaptability so that a wheelchair can be mobilised, and straps can be used to ensure the individual is secured. Each machine also has step by step instructions and diagrams for someone in a wheelchair, so that the equipment can be used correctly and safely. The gym also has a multitude of free-weights which can be used easily.

(to UWIC) I indicated that I was asthmatic and they have been actively concerned in helping me with regard to establishing a sports programme and adequate assistance.” Although focused on Cardiff, our investigation of universities in South Wales has revealed a serious work ethic to improve the standards of sports facilities for anyone with a desire to exercise. The main task now appears to be spreading the awareness of these improved facilities, as many people, when questioned, were unaware of gym equipment having features for disabled use.

Seager was also quick to point out that, although UWIC showed a clear commitment to sport and its accessibility to all, he had never seen anyone in a wheelchair on the Cyncoed campus. So, although the facilities are ready and waiting, the agenda now appears to be about getting everybody with a desire to exercise into the facilities, and pushing for further improvements in other sporting services. If you would like more information, contact the university’s Disability Advice Centre at 47, Park Place

UWIC Looking a little further afield, UWIC is an example of a university which has become a leader in this field, particularly due to its ‘purpose-built fitness gym’. Dai Watts, Gym Manager at UWIC, was quick to reiterate just how keen the university are to integrate both disabled and able-bodied pupils. He explained: “There is a closed session once a week for people with disabilities only, but generally they do prefer to be integrated.” This integration is possible due to state of the art, purpose built machines, which allow full access for wheelchair users. UWIC student Joe Seager was also eager to emphasise that it is not just physical handicaps that are catered for. He explained: “When I applied

LEADING THE WAY: Olympic Champion Tanni Grey-Thompson

BECAUSE WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU! In the next instalment of our regular feature, Bren Coopey explains why korfball is the university’s premier sports club. Disagree? Email 400 words to grsport@hotmail.com

WHY IS THE Cardiff University korfball club better than you? Well, I’ll start with a quick explanation of what korfball is. Basically, two teams play each other in an attempt to put the ball in an 11foot-high basket in a sport which combines netball and basketball, while obeying the simple rules of the game: no contact, no running

(except under particular circumstances) and no marking players of the opposite sex. Yes, korfball is a mixed-sex sport, the first of many reasons why we are better than you. This means that your social circle will not be confined to a group of one sex and it also makes socials more fun. Socials are very common and so far this year have included house parties, drinking at the union, bowling, a curry and cocktail night and the Taf quiz (where we won a

Red bull Fridge - proving our intellect too). The sport itself is at times hectic, varying in pace (combining various throws and shooting techniques) and immensely tactical, with many setpieces that may get you that all-important goal. Because the sport is still fairly new in this country, you will be playing with people who will not have years of experience and will be willing to train you up to their standard. We play league games often, we

train twice a week and we also travel to regular weekend tournaments, meaning a day of playing and a night or two of partying in towns like Nottingham, Sheffield and Manchester. While we are relatively competitive, we have one main goal and that is to have fun no matter what. We laugh when we play, we laugh when we train and we always laugh at the social events. It’s fun for both sexes, it keeps you fit, it opens up a new kind of social life

and we all stick together. We are the essence of a team sport, looking out for each other, giving advice, forming friendships and constantly improving. Plus, since the sport is Dutch in origin, we have to go to Holland for a massive championship each year, which isn’t a bad thing. So, if you want a laugh, if you’re looking for fun, if you want to try something new, then you should ask yourself one question; Do you want to play korfball? Of korf you do!