gair rhydd - Issue 782

rhydd

gair

free word - EST. 1972

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

COMIC RELIEF TV Desk gears up for the charity fundraiser in its usual irreverent style

ISSUE 782 March 7 2005

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NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04

BEST STUDENT PUBLICATION Going from strength to strength, Quench magazine wins at the 2005 Emap Awards

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Poorly fitted boiler could have killed Cardiff students

By Dave Doyle News Editor EIGHT STUDENTS were nearly killed after their boiler started leaking carbon monoxide fumes.

The boiler was fitted by plumbers employed by their letting agency, Cardiff Property Services (CPS).

The Richmond Road residents are furious at Cathays agency and have accused them of an uncaring attitude in the face of a very serious situation.

The problem started when the boiler stopped working in February.

The girls claim this was reported to CPS on February 14. The boiler was not replaced until ten days later leaving the girls without hot water for this period.

Second year Ancient History student Victoria Webb said: “It was so cold you could see your breath in the bedroom. They acted like it was an inconvenience to them but it was a serious problem for us.”

But CPS claim this is innaccurate and that they only heard of the problem on February 21, three days before the boiler was put in place.

They also supplied the girls with portable electric heaters while they waited for the boilers.

But the Cardiff students claim this was not enough.

“They gave us two heaters for a house with nine bedrooms, we had to sleep fully clothed, it was just pointless,” said Victoria.

After the boiler was fitted in the second floor toilet the tenants started to smell gas.

French and Law student, Laura Steele, also in her second year said: “Luckily Amanda [another housemate] had a carbon monoxide detector. When we put it in there it started going off.

We kept resetting it for about half an hour to make sure and it kept going off.”

After the gas leak was discovered the girls called the Transco Gas Emergency Hotline last Tuesday.

The gas engineer discovered the boiler had been secured to the wall with a decorative seal even though he told the girls that it should have been concreted.

The gas was turned off and the boiler was labelled ‘Immediately Dangerous’, the most serious category Transco uses.

The plumber then told the girls: “If one of you had gone in there with a good book you wouldn’t have come out”.

The engineer went on to say “I have no idea how a Corgi registered plumber would make such a huge error.”

But CPS insist the plumbers work for P F M

Plumbing, a Corgi registered company.

Simon Needham from PFM said: “The flue was fitted with a rubber seal that’s manufactured for the flue. I can’t understand how this happened.”

“To be honest the lad (who fitted the boiler) did a rushed job because they’d been with out hot water for such a long time, but Paul, the main man, went back and refit it and couldn’t see any danger there.”

Needham thinks the fault may have been

Story continued on Page 2

A CLOSE SHAVE: The girls were on the verge of a carbon monoxide catastrophe

News

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March 7 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

At

a glance March 7 2005 News Election Special Opinion Politics Health Jobs and Money Letters Taf-Od Media Competitions Television Five Minute Fun Problem Page Listings Sport

PORT TAL-GR OT Maligned town is most polluted place in Wales

1 7 14 17 18 20 23 24 27 29 31 39 41 43 45

EDITOR Gary Andrews

DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Holly Marshall, Charissa Coulthard NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Matt Wilkin, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell GEORDIE Chris White EDITORIAL AND OPINION James Emtage, Dan Riddler SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman, Will Schmit TELEVISION TV Willy, TV John, TV Katie, TV Manners, TV Grace LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant FIVE MINUTE FUN Bren Coopey TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey, Alys Southwood HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson PROOF READERS Ailsa Chalk, Carly Sharples, Sarah Bayes, CONTRIBUTORS

Cara Lee, Jemma Gander, Laura Sharples, Ellie Dixon, Dave Menon, Andrew Rennison, Rachel Howell, Bethany Whiteside, Andrew Mickel, Emily Knightly, Farah Ahmad, DavidFord, Heather Casey, Chris Allen, Olivia Waters, Ed Jones, Paul Hayes, Nick Parnell

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

By Cara Lee Reporter PORT TALBOT is the most polluted place in Wales according to a new study by scientists.

The Chartered Society of Physiotherapy (CSP) found the concentration of pollutant PM10 related to breathing difficulties to be extremely high in Port Talbot.

PM10 is a mix of soot, dust, smoke, fumes and aerosols, mainly from diesel engines.

The research measured 31 micro-

grammes of PM10 per cubic metre of air in the Welsh town.

This makes Port Talbot the third most polluted place in Britain with only Marylebone Road and Camden Town in London ranked worse.

But Cardiff doesn’t fare much better, scoring 25 microgrammes per cubic metre, only 1.7 more than the national average.

Gordon James from Friends of the Earth Cymru called the findings as “extremely worrying”.

He claims the levels of PM10 are so high in Port Talbot due to the

town’s “double whammy” of heavy industry and the nearby M4.

He approves schemes such as congestion charges to help the problem.

Third year Language and Communication student and ex-Port Talbot resident Kate Marlow describes the town as “industrial and ugly”.

She said: “Port Talbot’s only good points are its history, the beach at Aberavon and the pride of the local people despite the pollution of the town.”

Experts at the World Health

Organisation (WHO) believe there is no safe limit for exposure to PM10.

Grahame Pope, CSP Council Chair said of the report: “Respiratory physios are dealing with patients being harmed by this pollutant. The CSP wants action.”

With air pollution causing approximately 1,600 premature deaths a year in the UK, the CSP wants the UK to follow Japanese example.

Tokyo has responded to WHO concerns by banning vehicles with certain engines in built up areas and encouraging cleaner diesel engines.

Vice is right Boiling over

By Caroline Farwell Political Editor A HUGE PAY rise given to UWIC’s vice-chancellor has prompted concern about pay rates in higher education.

Professor Antony Chapman received a 23.7 per cent pay increase last year, boosting his salary to £162,000.

The rise has led to calls for general guidelines to be introduced that would establish a national wage scale for university heads.

According to statistics from the Times Higher Education Supplement (THES) pay for university heads and academics has doubled over the past ten years.

The THES found Professor Chapman earns £16,000 more than his counterpart at Cardiff University, Dr David Grant, despite UWIC receiving less Higher Education Funding Council money.

The move has renewed concerns of market forces prevailing in higher education, leading to calls for guidelines to be introduced.

Plaid Cymru’s Shadow Education Minister Janet Ryder said: “We don’t need market forces in higher education. Universities are independent bodies and have no form of regulation to oversee pay rates.

“They are competing in an open market and are therefore able to set their own appropriate salaries in order to attract the most suitable members of staff.”

But UWIC Board of Governors Chairman Gordon Harry has responded to criticisms.

He said: “UWIC’s ViceChancellor is now paid the average salary of Vice-Chancellors in new universities with equivalent annual turnovers. Before 2003/2004 the Vice-Chancellor was paid significantly below the average.

! Continued from Page 1 registered from the day dot. Nothing like this has ever happened before,” he said.

Lettings negotiator Nicola Hill said: “We cannot comment on the standard of the installation as we are not plumbers, but we can assure you that all plumbers employed for this type of work are Corgi registered.”

This has angered the Richmond Road girls. Victoria told gair rhydd: “It’s still their responsibility. They were like ‘we just provided you with a boiler, what more do you want?’

You go in with a serious problem and their like ‘oh god.’ If that’s their attitude how many more houses have got this situation?”

Laura added: “They don’t listen to you. They just try to palm you off.”

But Hill has defended CPS’s actions saying: “I have confirmed with Russ Sykes from The Housing

Help Centre that we have acted not only within current legislation but but have also shown good practice throughout the situation.”

“The change of a boiler is a considerable and expensive job and unfortunately can take some time to complete.”

“As a gesture of good will, we have also written to the tenants to offer reimbursement for the increase in their electricity bill as a result of using electric heaters over the period they were without boilers.”

The girls don’t think this is enough. “That doesn’t mean you can do a botched job. We’re not talking about cost here, our lives have been put in danger.”

If you have any doubts or concerns about gas appliances in your home contact Transco National Gas Emergency Hotline on 0800 111 999 and free carbon monoxide detectors are available from 47 Park Place.

News

March 7 2005

Page 3

news@gairrhydd.com

VILLAGE PEOPLE

By Jemma Gander Reporter HUNDREDS OF students gathered in the Great Hall last Sunday for Global Village to celebrate culture and diversity, through an evening of food, fashion, dance and drama.

Societies and groups representing countries as far away as China and Fiji, ran stalls, performed dances and took part in a fashion show.

Over 100 students participated in the event and 700 students relished in the culture. Entertainment went on untill 11.30pm, when the lights had to be turned on and the revellers were asked to leave.

Prizes were awarded for the best

stall, best performance and best outfit.

Distinguished guests from the Univeristy which included the Provost from the Collge of Humanities & Sciences, Prof. Hayden Ellis, judged the prizes.

The Omani Society won best stall, while the Brazilian group Capoeira won best performance and the fantastical dresses and outfits of the AfroCaribbean society won them accolades.

Societies, Postgraduate & International Officer, Beri Abbas who organised the vent in conjunction with AIESEC was delighted with the turnout: “I cannot thank all those who participated enough, they really outdid themselves".

ENTERTAINING: drummers at the Global Village event

LITTLE NICKIN’

By Matt Wilkin News Editor ROAD SIGNS in the Welsh village made famous by comedy ‘Little Britain’ will soon be returned to their rightful places after originals were stolen by fans of the programme.

LlanddewiBrefi – home to show favourite Daffyd “the only gay in the village” – has received increased visitor numbers since the BBC comedy first aired t wo

years ago.

But several of the village’s name signs have disappeared presumed stolen by over enthusiastic visitors. One has even been advertised on Ebay.

When Ceredigian Council officals made the discovery, they contacted Ebay and the item was removed immedately.

The Council have now comissioned a new set of signs which were unveiled in a civic ceremony last week.

Fans will have the opportunity to pick up a Llanddewi-Brefi sign autographed by ‘Little Britain’ stars Matt Lucas and David Walliams when it is auctioned legitimately on Ebay this month.

All the proceeds will be going to the Asian tsunami appeal.

PROUD: Lucas as ‘the only gay in the village.

The Way For-Ward New child friendly wards opened in Cardiff

By Laura Sharples Reporter The new Children’s Hospital for Wales admitted its first young patients on Friday.

It has taken four years and £7m in fundraising, but the site at the University Hospital of Wales was finally opened by the hospital’s patron, Charlotte Church.

The first phase of the project includes two 25-bed medical wards and one 16-bed pediatric can-

cer ward. There are treatment rooms, a cancer outpatients’ unit, play and education rooms, and parents’ accommodation.

The Noah’s Ark Appeal raised the funds for the first phase.

In 2002 the cricketer Ian Bothan raised over £850,000 for the Noah’s Ark appeal by walking 229 miles around Wales. He was joined for the final stretch by Charlotte, and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Every year, the Cardiff and Vale NHS Trust deals with 36,000 children’s visits or admissions, with nearly half of them coming from outside the area.

The more child-friendly wards will help patients have a much more comfortable stay in hospital.

Work is due to start on the second phase of the hospital soon.

OPEN: the new children’s wards.

News

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March 7 2005

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MERRY BERI POPS HER GAIR RHYDD CHERRY

In the second of our sabbatical interviews, Societies, Postgraduate and International Officer Beri Abbas tells Matt Wilkin about her role, keeping her cool and managing her own law firm.

FROM THE moment a meeting with Berihan Abbas was scheduled, gair rhydd had been a little sceptical about what to expect from the Societies, Postgraduate and International Officer.

Even the box of chocolate waiting for us – and her impeccably tidy office – does little to detract from the girl who refuses to go unnoticed at student council meetings, and in her words, has built up quite a reputation as the Union’s "mouthy" spokesperson.

"I’ve never been in the gair rhydd before," she says excitably, "are you surprised?" Yes, we most definitely are.

To claim that Beri says what she feels is probably an understatement. "I wear my heart on my sleeve," she confesses.

BAS BERI ABE IL FACTF OM: ALLY FR ORIGIN ong Hong K IED: E STUD COURS Law TURE: g FOR FU PLANS Cardiff, star tin in C 5 P L ber 200 Septem

“I am always prepared to listen to everybody’s point of view” "I suppose my enthusiasm comes out in my voice. I did GCSE and Alevel drama, and from then on I’ve always been known as ‘mouthy’”.

"When students come to me, they’re often in need of help or support, and I’m here purely to solve their problems.”

“Because I’m so determined to solve them, I sometimes end up voicing my views a little too much. But I am always prepared to listen to everybody’s point of view, and keep quiet when I have to."

Her confidence in sticking up for what she believes in is probably the quality that has best equipped Beri for her sabbatical role.

As Societies, Postgraduate and International Officer, she is responsible for overseeing the welfare of all three student bodies, assisting them with both their social and academic activities.

But it was only this time last year that she was out campaigning, hoping to win the post. Was she confident about being elected?

"My friends were very encouraging, telling me I could do it. But I also felt that my manifesto was strong.

"When I started campaigning for this job, I looked at it as an equilateral triangle, with each aspect of my work:

chance to participate in a number of specially organised showcases.

She feels her weakest point has been with postgraduate students.

"At the moment, the Union as a whole is primarily geared towards undergraduates, as they make up 80% of the student population, and postgraduates are pretty much left up to their own devices.

"I acknowledge that there aren’t facilities directed towards mature students either, and I’m aware that some have dropped out of Cardiff University because they feel isolated from the rest of the student collective.

“They just aren’t interested in participating in the same activities than those younger than them.

"A new survey that will go round shortly will evaluate whether the Graduate Centre is enough for postgraduate and mature students, and how

“I’ve been toying with the idea of becoming a barrister, or a judge”

STICKING AROUND: Soceties, Postgraduate and International Officer Berihan Abbas societies, postgraduate, and international, on each side. It was my aim therefore, to spend an equal amount of time on each.

"Societies – and there are 120 of them – have become an integral part of my role.

“However, from a practical point of view, the international side is almost intrinsic to the societies side.

"We have over 20 different cultural societies, a lot of them run by international students.

“It means that although most of my time is spent overseeing the activities of the societies, I am also able to act as the middle ground between the societies and the international students by responding to their requests for changes and improvements."

From an Egyptian background, and a practising Muslim, Beri was born

and raised in Hong Kong.

She attended English-speaking schools before she came to Cardiff in September 2001.

She graduated with a Law degree in July 2004, but felt that rather than pursue a legal career straight away, she would apply for a sabbatical position.

She says her student and professional lives are very different. "I went

“I went from never missing a ‘Rubber Duck’ to only about six this year”

from my university life, where I’d never missed a ‘Rubber Duck’ night in two years, to have only gone to about six this year.

"I got a 2:2 in my degree, and that was probably the first time I hadn’t reached my potential. I didn’t work hard enough, and I knew I was smarter than that.

"So when I came into this job, I thought ‘don’t do that again’. I wanted to work hard, and as hard as I knew I could to get results.

"Even though from day one there were so many things going on at the same time, I was focused. But it’s entailed a lot more work than I initially thought it would."

Beri considers her biggest success to be the ‘Global Village’ event which brought students from many different cultures together and offered the

else we can address the issues that affect them.

"Unfortunately, I’ve ended up spending 80% of my time on issues relating to societies, and 20% to the other two."

In September, Berri will commence the Legal Practice Course (LPC) at Cardiff – after deferring her place last year. From there on in, the sky really could be the limit.

She is very optimistic about going back to university. "Now that I’ve done a 9-5 job, I think to myself, ‘why didn’t I do this when I was at uni?’

"I’m going to be better off next year I think. But I know I’ve got to work hard, and I’m very excited about it.

Plus it’ll mean I can go out on a Thursday night."

And where will Berihan Abbas be in ten years’ time?

"I have a real fondness for Manchester,” she said.

“My dad took me there for visits when I was younger, and it was the only university that didn’t accept me and I’ve taken it personally ever since.

"I’d like to own my own law firm, but I’ve also been toying with the idea of becoming a barrister, or a judge."

Certainly no surprises there.

News

March 7 2005

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THE FUTURE FOR STUDENTS IN WALES

By Paul Dicken News Editor THE REES Review into student support and tuition fees in Wales has released a progress report outlining their proposals for the future of Higher Education in Wales.

The final report will be presented to Jane Davidson AM, Education and Lifelong Learning Minister, in April this year.

The Welsh Assembly have made a commitment to hold the current £1,200 fixed fee until 2006/7 in Wales, with Assembly funds compensating for a financial shortfall compared to English universities.

The report has put forward its aims to create fair funding and student support systems in Wales, without giving undue bonuses to leading universities and putting off students who may be deterred by increasing higher education costs.

It also indicates the potential for a case being brought at the European Court of Justice to have a large influence on Higher Education funding in Wales.

The case is being brought by Danny Bidar, a French National, who is trying to prove that Non-UK EU nationals are eligible for maintenance support in England, as well as fee support. If he wins the case then the Higher Education budget will be radically affected.

The review have put forward six proposals, yet to choose a preferred option, all of the proposals abolish upfront fees.

The Status Quo option keeps the £1,200 fixed fee, with the Supplementary Income Stream (SIS) to Higher Education Institutions (HEIs) from the Welsh Assembly

budget of £28m for 2006/7 rising to £73m by 2009/10.

They see this option as increasing the appeal of Welsh Universities for home and Non-UK EU nationals, although Welsh degrees may be seen as lower quality at a lower cost.

University funded bursaries would be available if institutes chose to offer them.

REES: full of ideas Welsh and English students in Wales would pay the fixed fee, while Welsh students in England would be subject to the English fee system.

Fee grants, fee loans, and maintenance grants and loans will be available.

Assembly Regulations could uprate the fixed rate fee, while the SIS funding will be fundamental to Welsh Universities.

The £2,000 fixed fee option predicts the SIS will be £28m then £34.3m by 2009/10.

With a similar increase of English and Non-UK EU national students to Wales predicted. All students in Wales

would pay the fixed fee, and any students in England would be bound to English fee regimes.

Similar grant systems would be in place as now, with discretionary bursaries being offered by Welsh institutions.

The English competitive model is seen as an option led by HEI’s, and driven by market forces. The SIS of £28m in 2006/7 will decrease to £3.7m by 2009/10.

The flow of students into and out of Wales would be largely unaffected, dependent on fee protection, fee changes and discretionary bursaries.

Institutions can charge any fee up to £3,000, while plans to charge greater amounts would have to be agreed with a relevant authority in Wales. For Welsh students in Wales, bursaries would be available to ‘certain classes of students.’

In England, Welsh students would receive bursaries based on University decisions, and this would apply to English students in Wales.

Non-UK EU students would not be eligible for fee support, as fee grants will be abolished.

New students will be eligible for means-tested maintenance grants up to £2,700 a year (this is available to Welsh students irrespective of where they study), fee and maintenance loans.

Continuing students would still be eligible for fee grants.

Part-managed variable fee system plus National Bursary proposal suggests fees and the SIS fund will follow the same pattern as the above option, as will the appeal of Welsh and English HEIs. Institutes will be free to choose fee costs, and the Assembly would set only a basic variable fee cap.

National Bursaries will be managed

by the Assembly and Higher Education Institutes, with Institutes able to provide their own supplementary bursaries.

The National Bursary Scheme would be available to Welsh students in Wales and England, with the possibility of bursaries being offered by Welsh institutions to all students.

ASSEMBLY: Welsh Support for non-Welsh UK students in wales will be provided by the Department for Education and Skills (DfES).

Fee grants would be abolished.

Similar maintenance loans and grants will be available, as in the English Competitive Model.

A Differential variable fees for Welsh and Non-Welsh domiciles plus National Bursary option is more complicated. It includes a maximum £3,000 variable fee for nonWelsh students in Wales, and a maximum £2,000 variable fee for Welsh

students in Wales.

The SIS will only decrease slightly in this model. The other option within this proposal is the increased £2,500 maximum variable fee for Welsh students, creating a larger decrease in the SIS funding provided from the Assembly budget.

There would also be a National Bursary for Welsh students, with discretionary university bursaries. The position of fee grants, fee loans, maintenance loans and grants will be the same as in the English competitive model.

The £3,000 fixed fee plus National Bursary Scheme model would allow the SIS to decrease from £28m in 2006/7 to nothing by 2009/10.

Welsh Higher Education Institutions would be unable to compete for students with England as discounted fees could not be offered.

Universities could offer their own bursaries on top of the National Bursary Scheme. Substantial bursaries or other incentives might need to be offered to compete with comparable institutions in England which might offer lower fee rates.

National Bursaries would only be available to Welsh students, as before, while student support will be similar to the above options.

Cardiff Students’ Union President, Gary Rees, said that while none of the suggested options were what the Union had campaigned for, he was pleased to see the proposal for a National Bursary Scheme.

He called the bursary a "compensation tool" and said the Assembly would try to implement a scheme unique to Wales and thought that the review would put forward the £3,000 fixed fee option (with bursary) as their preferred option.

Robbers target The return of the Knight students

By Ellie Dixon Reporter

By Dave Menon Reporter FIVE STUDENT properties have been burgled in the last fortnight.

The police have now called for all students to lock doors and leave lights on at night.

Two of the five burglaries took place in Senghennydd Court, the others occurred in Harriet Street, Wyverne Road and Cartwright Court.

Police suspect the burglaries which occurred in Harriet Street and Wyverne Road, were both committed by the same offender.

On both occasions a student disturbed the intruder who got away with property.

The burglar was described as an African or African-Caribbean man who was 6 feet tall. The suspect was described as thin and had short hair.

The Harriet Street burglary was committed at midnight on Saturday

February 19. The Wyverne Road incident took place a week later.

The Senghennydd Court burglaries took place on Monday 28 February and Wednesday 2 March.

It is highly likely that the same offenders committed both crimes.

Two white males, not recognised as students, were seen entering, and later stole possessions.

The Cartwright Court burglary took place on Friday 25 February after a white, 5’ 10’’, skinny male described as being 18 or 19 years old was seen entering a building. He escaped on a mountain bike.

The police also informed gair rhydd that 58 bikes have been stolen from the city centre in February.

Bike locks can be bought for half-price from your Residences Security Services.

If you have any information on any of the above crimes, please contact Cardiff Police Station on 029 20 222111.

JAMES KNIGHT has been re-elected as president of NUS Wales.

NUS Wales is the largest democratic organisation in Wales. It’s Annual Spring Welsh conference took place last Friday (February 25) with the elections following on Saturday morning.

The conference is held to debate policies for the year and to elect a new Welsh Executive Committee. Knight was previously a Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Officer at Cardiff University.

He re-claimed the role of NUS President with 27 votes, ahead of Rhodri Lewis on 17 votes and Dan Hilton on 7 votes. Delegates from each affiliating University and College in Wales took part in the voting, representing all the students of Wales.

NUS Wales is an autonomous part of NUS (UK), electing it’s own officers and formulating its own policies.

Knight’s manifesto consisted of three main pledges, the first relating to the impact of the introduction of top-up fees in England (2006-2007) for Welsh students. Knight – working alongside Professor Rees of Cardiff University –

stated how he aims "to step up pressure against the growing fees proposed for English Universities this summer".

Knight is also keen to improve communication regarding NUS Wales.

He said: "I want to build awareness of what NUS Wales do on a regular basis, Sabbatical officers are aware but most of the students are not".

One way he hopes to promote awareness is by giving talks to some of the University’s societies and clubs and he urges anyone with queries to contact him on his email address.

Finally he aims to run a priority campaign regarding the Welsh language, an issue pertinent to Cardiff University.

The hope is to allow students who speak Welsh as their first language the option of studying their chosen degree course in this language. He aims to KNIGHT: at the see native speakers

of Welsh with more legal rights than they currently have.

Knight’s deputy NUS President will be Sarah Brown, a Sabbatical Officer at Glamorgan University. She will take over from Andrew Wilson in July.

Knight will be speaking at the controversial debate surrounding Cardiff University’s potential disaffiliation from the NUS. This takes place on March 10, at 7.30pm in The Great Hall. Knight is encouraging everybody to attend.

anti top-up fee march

World News

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March 7 2005

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LEBANON SPEAKS OUT

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter THE HUNT for a new prime minister has begun after the government of Omar Karami resigned amongst huge street protests.

According to reports, President Emile Lahoud has given political groups in parliament 48 hours to agree on a suitable candidate.

Hundreds of people have been rallying in the streets of Beirut, the Lebanon capital, insisting the pullout of some 15,000 Syrian troops.

Two weeks after the killing of the previous Lebanese Prime Minister, Rafik Hariri, the cabinet resigned.

About 25,000 people flooded Beirut’s Martyr Square to celebrate the government’s announcement of Karami’s resignation late last Monday, despite a ban on demonstrations.

Both the Syrian government and Mr Karami’s government have been accused of the involvement in the assassination of Hariri on February 14.

These are charges they deny.

Mr Karami, who took over after Hariri resigned last year, believes those who have accused his government of involvement in the killing have "committed a grave injustice".

MPs observed a one minute silence in memory of Hariri before the parliamentary debate begun.

Marwan Hadeed, former minister,

HARIRI: a national icon

believes the government bore partial responsibility for the killing.

US Deputy Assistant Secretary of State David Satterfield, during a visit to Lebanon, urged Syria to withdraw its troops in compliance with UN resolution 1559, passed in September.

Syria says that not even Lebanon want a full Syrian withdrawal, but last week, it said it would draw troops back from western Lebanon to areas closer to the Syrian border.

Meanwhile, the government of Mr Karami will remain as caretakers whilst the president considers a new administration. The position of prime minister is normally given to a member of the Sunni Muslim community, while the president of the country is a Christian and a Shia Muslim is the speaker of the parliament.

Opposition MP Ghassan Mukheiber commented on the subject: "We want an interim cabinet to uncover the truth about Hariri’s assassination, draft a law and oversee elections this spring."

Royal dissent

By Alex Fry Reporter FIGHTING BETWEEN Maoist rebels and government troops in Nepal has escalated into the bloodiest confrontation for weeks.

The battle took place in a Maoist stronghold in the south-western district of Bardiya where locals described an ambush by Maoist rebels on security forces removing a road blockade.

The rebel’s leader had announced on Saturday that the blockade had been lifted but additional reports of vehicle burning and barricades still standing suggest lower-level Maoists were not aware of the announcement.

Reporters at the scene saw 46 bodies, including two women from the rebel force whilst four members of the security force were also killed in the clash.

This is despite the sacking of Prime Minister Sher Bahadur Deuba's government by King Gyanendra last month, which he said would help contain the violence.

Prime Minister Deuba has been placed under house arrest and has said he would oppose the dissolution of his government.

The king accuses the Prime Minister of failing to gain the support of Maoist rebels by the January 13 deadline for peace talks and failing to prepare the situation for spring elections.

However, analysts suggest the king is using the situation to strengthen his own position and create an absolute monarchy. Government minister Bimalendra Niddhi said Nepal was now in a "state of coup against democratic practices".

The king denies carrying out a

KING GYANENDRA: of Nepal coup, stating he will form a new cabinet under his direct leadership and promises "effective democracy" and peace within three years.

This is the second time in two years that the Nepalese government has been sacked and whether the king will be able to deal with the civil war where politicians have failed is

unclear.

By taking up direct rule he will have to win the three-way power struggle that now exists between the monarchy, the Maoist rebels and Nepal’s parliamentary parties.

The Maoist insurgency began in 1996 after they only won nine out 205 seats in earlier elections. Communist leaders have since created a highly organised rebellion.

If King Gyanendra’s interception fails his throne could be at risk. If it is to pay off he will now have to bring the Maoist rebels back to the negotiating table.

This will be a tall order as the Maoists want a new constitution drafted for the country that will offer the option of abolishing the monarchy.

Whatever path is taken in the near future, Nepal is now entering another era of political uncertainty.

MAOIST REBELS: violently opppose the autocratic king of Nepal

BEIRUT: protestors wave flags at the Beirut sit-in

World fears the flu THE GOVERNMENT have revealed that a quarter of the UK population could be under threat within the next two years, from a potential outbreak of bird flu.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) have declared that up to seven million people could die, and tens of millions may require treatment in the best-case scenario.

Other experts have suggested that the pandemic will almost inevitably descend upon countries across the world.

Drastic measures have been taken to combat the disease, which has killed 14 people in South-East Asia this year.

A stockpile of anti-flu drugs have been ordered by the UK government to cater for the needs of 14.6 million people.

The bulk of these people are over the age of 65, but experts have suggested young children and sufferers of chronic disease could also be at risk.

Allegedly, the government have estimated the outbreak of bird flu could cause up to 709,000 deaths in the UK, which indicates why £200 million has been spent on supplies.

The anti-viral drug known as Tamiflu has been purchased by the government to cope with this alarming situation.

According to various sources, Tamiflu will not necessarily cure bird flu, but will reduce symptoms and the number of deaths.

Scientists have been given more time to produce a vaccine which will eradicate the flu virus, while substantial numbers of the anti-flu drug have been ordered, because its shelf life does not exceed five years.

Various publications have speculated that concerts, football matches and other large-scale events may have

to be cancelled, in order to prevent bird flu from spreading.

John Reid, the Health Secretary, stressed the severity of the possible pandemic and said: "The days when politicians stuffed antivirals or vaccines or hamburgers down people's throats and said everything is going to be fine are gone".

The last pandemic occurred in 1968 when the Hong Kong flu killed over 1 million people, which included 30,000 Britons.

Professor Sir Liam Donaldson, the Chief Medical Officer said "We must assume we will be unable to prevent it (bird flu) reaching the UK. When it does, its impact will be severe in the number of illnesses and the disruption to everyday life".

He added "The steps we are taking today will help us to reduce the disease's impact on our population".

Bird flu was not seen as a threat to humans until 1997, when the first cases were seen in Hong Kong. Since November 2003, the disease has claimed the lives of 46 people in South-East Asia.

News

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finde e th u yo rs fe of dd y rh ir ga s, n gi As campaigning be special on ti ec el r ou in s te da di n ca e th to itive guide

PRESIDENT

Written and designed by Alex Fry, Chris Hopper, Charissa Coulthard and Will Talmage

Are you planning on making any specific changes to the Union?

This role requires a highly motivated individual who is capable of being both a leader and a team player. As Chief Executive of Cardiff Student Services Ltd., the President must oversee commercial services and be involved with all aspects of the Union.

Rajesh Pathania

IMPROVING THE overall student experience is the focus of my campaign.

I genuinely believe that students deserve value for their pound.

Broadly speaking I am keen to

ensure that students have access to better facilities, such as quality housing, effective feedback on performance in exams, and network connectivity for those students in Halls of Residence.

Furthermore I aim to work closely with students to find ways to encourage greater participation of all students in the Union.

Geraint Edwards

I THINK the key to being an effective President is to be a "jack of all trades".

I have been a member of the Union executive before now, as Welsh Affairs Non-Sabbatical Officer in 2002/3.

In this post I gained much awareness of the how the Union works, in how it con-

ducts its formal meetings and committees, as well as the way events and campaigns are organised in practice.

I also have experience of quickly adapting and organising myself in unfamiliar surroundings, having studied in France last year.

I believe that the skills I have gained from these experiences, as well as my taste for teamwork and motivation will make me a responsible, committed President.

Andrew Davidson

Ian Burman ON THE whole, I believe the Union runs successfully.

Nights such as Come Play are extremely well organised.

However by pushing for the implementation of non-smoking designated areas, I hope to make the Union the progressive institution it should be.

WHEN ELECTED, I will push for the union and university buildings to run on electricity provided by a green supplier.

A students' union is a great place to take a stance on important issues that students believe in; environmental ethics make a case in point.

Similarly, I will extend the fair-

Pete Goodman THIS YEAR the main complaint the Union received was about transport.

Next year I intend to review transport, make the booking systems easier and improve the nightbus system. I will also introduce a burger bar into Solus (including veggie option) so you are not forced to buy burgers at the bottom of the Union steps. As President I will also improve communication between Union sites, develop lifetime membership and work to ensure increased representation for students of the former UWCM.

Stephen Moran

John Bateman

trade policy of the union to include more of the products on sale.

Also, I will take steps to make the executive more visible to students. Many people feel that they have been misled over the NUS disaffiliation and that's wrong. Greater, unbiased, communication in the gair rhydd will improve this. Decisions will be taken with a long-term sustanable view. No quick fixes to save money in the short term.

I LOOK upon the Students’ Union as a club for the few, insofar as there is a small niche of students who benefit fully from it and the services it offers, leaving a large majority who don’t.

It is apparent that most students in Cardiff don’t fully appreciate the role that their Union could play. Whilst I intend to run the Union in a manner building upon an already sound organisation, I will consider it my duty to make the Union more accessible and less daunting to the people it is in place to serve: you, the students.

I DO have some plans of my own with regards to changing the Union.

This starts with my desire to introduce an online voting system so all Cardiff University Students can have a chance to have their say in how their Union is run.

A system of this sort would be useful democratic tool to ensure there is an accurate representation of all students.

My other main goal is to push forward an initiative to bring all Cardiff ’s facilities, sporting and academic to a more competitive level. This will begin with a push to improve our gyms as I believe health is every bit as important as knowledge.

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AU PRESIDENT Martyn Cooper I’VE BEEN a member of the canoe club since my first year and have friends who take part in various sports from

climbing to IMG football.

Through my own experiences and those of my friends I have learnt how the AU is run.

I have also seen problems arise which I now have the opportunity and experience to resolve.

As part of last year’s canoe club committee, I was able to help tackle the problems we faced including organising our own CUCP tournament.

I have also been helping this year’s committee to run the tournament.

Lisa Gwinnett

What are your experiences in sport so far at Cardiff that qualifies you for the role of AU President?

I WAS voted fresher of the year, club rep in my second year and club captain in my final year of Cardiff university netball club.

Therefore I have always been a committed member of the AU. I am a great supporter of AU events, such as my 100% track record at Varsity watching both the rugby and other sports.

I organised the annual mixed netball tournament, which saw over

15 sports clubs participating, including several IMG teams.

I am experienced in dealing with the AU through my current leadership role.

I have excellent skills in both management and delegation.

On top of this, the Netball club have teams in the IMG league and I am attuned to the problems which face the over-subscribed league.

UNION SECRETARY Simon Yates OUR UNION has huge scope for computer rooms in a similar format to cyber cafés, where the internet can be used alongside socialising and getting a bite to eat or drink.

James Twigger I BELIEVE that a key area for improvement is the union website.

The current 'submenu' format can be confusing and hard to navigate, and there are many

Heather Casey MY FIRST year at Xpress Radio gave me the experience of feeling a bit lost in a big society.

I aim to provide a useful alternative to the majority of computer resources which are concentrated in the libraries.

This is the third campaign that I have been involved in and although there has been improvement I feel there still needs to be greater advertisement of the sabbatical elections.

I believe if students can make informed choices, many more will be tempted to vote.

For further information please see my manifesto in the gair rhydd.

areas that are out of date or irrelevant.

My plan is to initiate a series of improvements to make it more user friendly and accessible to all.

Seren Las, a venue of great potential, often remains dormant in the evenings.

I would like to promote it more to societies and the AU, offering the venue as a pre-club bar for private hire.

Overall, I want to take the union forward by maximizing the resources available, to make the most out of the 2005-2006 financial year.

From this my aim is to make trips to each of the team meetings, especially those who aren’t studio based and encourage everyone to be at our socials.

As part of the Exec, I've learnt the role of each department and the process of turning ideas into reality.

I've liaised with the University PR department, various union execs and meeting deadlines for the gair rhydd. I've have a taster of the ‘official side ‘and know the importance of being confident, organised and maintaining a sound relationship with the Union.

FOR A start, our website needs to be more appealing and user-friendly.

Promotion and variety of courses of the Student Development Unit need to be increased.

More finance will also be put into other services available to us all and prices will be kept as low as possible as, after four years, I know exactly what being skint as a student really is! Lastly, I will encourage more of you to get voting in all the elections that matter for your Union and your time at Cardiff Uni!

Amy Lawton

Are there areas within your responsibilities you believe need to be focused on for improvement?

Frances Foster AN ESSENTIAL improvement has to be the Cardiff Students website.

This features in some way in all of my ideas. Anyone who has tried to use the site will understand.

The website has the potential to be an amazing resource. All students have free access to the internet through university.

The website can be a one stop shop for anything to do with the Union It can be used positively to help students communicate with the union, to further understanding about the work of the union, to organize, to promote, to listen, to learn, to get involved and feel empowered.

XPRESS

STATION FOR THE last two years I have been heavily involved in Xpress.

Jen Long

MANAGER

I am currently Head of Speech, making features for mainstream and news.

I am a producer and a presenter on The Word shows and a member of the music team, conducting interviews and setting the station’s play list. By being involved in many departments, I feel I already have a good knowledge of how the station runs.

Using this experience I can make myself far more accessible to all areas of the station next year and train new members proficiently.

HOW WILL YOU USE YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES OF W O R K I N G WITH XPRESS RADIO TO HELP YOU RUN THE STATION NEXT YEAR?

Kabir Saraf is also running for the position of Xpress station manager and was contacted several times but did not reply. For more information see his manifesto.

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Campaigns

Farah Ahmad I AM a confident, friendly person, understanding how essential it is to work in a team.

Whilst presenting to the student body both sides of every

issue so they can support the causes they believe in.

Through my degree in Journalism, Film and Broadcasting, I am aware of the ways in which research and different medias are best implemented in order to effectively communicate a message to an audience.

I’ve written for gair rhydd in news and health; produced, presented and promoted for Xpress radio; and had work experience in PR in London.

All have given me a clear understanding of media relations, essential for any successful campaign and enhancing the profile of our university.

COLLEGE PRESIDENT OF HUMANITIES AND SCIENCES Jessica Reeves I WANT to enhance the student experience through making your lives less stressful.

Representing you is key, everything that makes your lives more diff icult – from dodgy landlords, to making you more employable – I want to make it easier.

Securing Wednesday Afternoons as free time is vital, whether for playing sport or working part time.

I’ve had a great time at Uni and I want it to be even better for you in the future!

and

Alice Bowley I AM extremely passionate about student campaigning.

I believe that students have

Sian Mundy I believe that my public prescence throughout the Union, University and local and national community will make me

In what ways are you hoping to make a difference for Cardiff students?

pr

officer

many strong and varied opinions that need to be heard in order for positive development in society.

My extensive experience in campaigning and community work has enabled me to gain teamwork and leadership abilities as well as learn the ins and outs of running a successful campaign.

My experience and enthusiasm coupled with the amazing opportunities that our Union provides for making positive changes can only be a winning combination!

stand out.

I intend to improve the Union's profile by making people aware of the multiple services Cardiff Students Union provides.

The biggest change I will make will be to replace informal and ineffective marketing such as flyering with face to face communication. I will aim to speak at as many public places as is possible, telling students what is going on and I will aim to actively increase the Union's publicity through local and national media.

Gemma Long THERE ARE certain services offered by the University and the Union which are under-used.

For example, the Student Development Unit and the Careers Service.

By increasing the usage of these services by students I intend to increase the careers focus of the student populace.

Equally as important is my aim to further increase student representation as a means of making sure that the university responds to needs and concerns.

With regards to welfare, I aim to make available the best advice needed by students on a whole range of issues.

What do you feel will make you stand out as Campaigns and PR Officer?

Toan Ravenscroft Firstly, my personality will make me stand out.

I am both a conf ident individual and an enthusiastic team player, with an ability to write analytically to create innovative ideas that will drive the Union’s campaigns and PR, plus the executive, forward.

My experience with communications (as Secretary of Men’s Football), media and promotions further supplement my suitability.

Secondly, my policies will make me stand out.

As well as the continuation and reinvigoration of current campaigns and an unwavering commitment to the Union’s public relations, I will endeavour specifically to increase the profile of RAG week and strive to focus on a different campaign every month.

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societies postgrad and international officer

Ben Thomas My efforts will be targeted towards improving greater finance and media coverage for societies, encouraging more fund raising events and greater external sponsorship from

local businesses and also improving local relations.

Greater coverage of societies will come from the Union TV screens, poster availability to be increased, and greater gair rhydd and Xpress Radio coverage. For international & postgraduate students, I will improve on current support structure by making my contact details readily available allowing you to contact me out of working hours if you feel necessary.

Finally, if elected, I want to continue to improve on the spirit of multiculturalism by getting involved in more nation-wide campaigns.

media officer Dave Doyle I VIRTUALLY live in the student media offices. I have worked on gair rhydd for two years and have been editing the News section for the last year.

chair

What are your experiences (good or bad) with IMG and how can it be improved under your stewardship?

How will you improve the running of societies & the support available to international & postgraduate students?

Clare Dononvan

Tom Wellingham

In this role, I have consistently had to work as part of a team of editors as well as with our many contributors to produce outstanding issues week after week.

I regularly spend up to 20 hours straight in the office writing, designing and editing for News as well as other sections in gair rhydd and Quench.

This level of dedication is fuelled by my passion to ensure that this paper is the best it can be – the standard others hope to achieve.

The key to moving forward is how the team operates together and I believe I have the people skills and team qualities raise our Student Media higher and higher.

health and welfare officer

Rhianon Ebsworth is also running for the position but unfortunately no reply was received by the time of going to print.

img

AS THE Station Manager of Xpress Radio I have had lots of experience working with people who are directly involved in the student media here on the fourth floor of the Students Union.

Alongside this in my role as a Non Sabbatical Officer, I have had the opportunity to work alongside the current union Sabbatical team as well as almost all members of permanent staff in the union building, I feel that this working knowledge of the environment in which student media operates is vital in ensuring that it continues to move forward together in the future.

college president of medicine biology and health sciences

I think the IMG leagues are a really good idea because it opens up sport participation to a much greater number of students.

However there are many teething problems such as the lack of referees and the length of matches (netball).

I hope to smooth out problems quickly so next years IMG leagues will be very successful with an even greater number of participants. I would like to have cups for all three sports at the end of the first and second term, and to increase the amount of coverage IMG rugby receives.

How do you feel your past involvement with Gair Rhydd and Xpress Radio will benefit the future of Cardiff’s student media?

John Stanton THIS POSITION needs someone with newspaper experience.

As gair rhydd Sports Editor, I have managed a team of over 40 contributors, more than any other sec-

tion in the newspaper.

Through my leadership, organisation and passion for this role, I believe I have taken this area of Cardiff’s media to a new level. No other student newspaper in the UK dedicates as much space, time or effort to university issues as has been the case in my section this year.

My two year’s involvement will enable me to propel gair rhydd to new levels of excellence, ensuring it remains at the forefront of student media.

As one of the longest serving and most experienced members of the editorial team, I believe I can make a real difference.

AU vice

What makes you an outstanding candidate for the AU Vice President position?

Kate Monaghan AS HEALTH and welfare officer is a new position, I hope to put my stamp on it, and with your help, drive the union forward.

My previous experience as a peer mentor gives me the desire to address the needs of students, the willingness to give advice about all manner of problems, and the ability to provide non-judgemental guidance.

I’m hard working, approachable and highly motivated. I feel very passionately about the issues facing students in Cardiff, and hope this position of responsibility will provide me with the ability to tackle them head on and improve student life for you.

Russell Simpson RECENTLY I received my NVQ in "Activity Leadership" working with people with disabilities.

I believe that the skills and knowledge that I acquired as a professional coach will help me fulfil the welfare and academic duties for the position of college president. More than anything I have learnt the importance of being flexible and having to adapt to the needs of others when their circumstances change. From performing in Act 1 to playing CARBS rugby, can only enhance my understanding when confronted with the many student problems.

Hannah Smith

I have developed a passion for sport from a young age.

Through my involvement with the university tennis team, of which I am currently captain, my responsibilities include co-ordinating team events, leading the committee and managing club activities.

Extensive experience and knowledge from both my participation in tennis and being a qualified coach have equipped me with good communication skills, time management and team working, which I believe are essential for being a part of the A.U. team.

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

WOMENS

OFFICER

Which aspects of your personality and character do you feel would be most beneficial to your position as Women’s officer?

I AM a hard working, highly organised and motivated individual with a passion for ensuring that women have their rights fulfilled and their voices heard.

I am also friendly and outgoing, which I feel will make me approachable and accessible to other women.

I have also attended counsellor training sessions, which have shown me how to empathise with and offer advice to others in a caring and non-judgemental way.

Will Dean

WELSH

Katherine Dobbs I HAVE been working for the newspaper since I came to University.

This has seen me write for almost every section, as well as edit the TV and Interviews sections.

I also design the front cover of Quench and help to sub edit articles.

I have recently covered as Quench editor, whilst James [Quench editor] was at the EMAP Fanzine Awards.

OFFICER

lesbian W h i c h personal c h a r a c t e ristics do you feel make you p a r t i c u l a rly suitable for this position?

Ellen Angharad HOLDING EVENTS such as music concerts/gigs in the Union itself, to try and

post grad Support officer How do you plan to improve t h e r e p r e s e n t ation of Cardiff’s postgraduate students?

IN MY effort to improvise the Post Grad representation, the major areas/aspects I intend to concentrate on are increasing the networking between students, departments and societies and focussing on maximising opportunities for growth related to career links and advice.

To convene meetings as and when necessary to ensure students satisfaction and academic issues are being catered for the way they should be will also be on priority.

Last but not the least, increasing the know how, familiarisation and

Digby York

I THINK that one of the most important characteristics is to be approachable.

If no one ever raises issues and comes and talks to you, often they can’t be addressed.

This is especially relevant regarding LGB issues as they can be problems that someone might find difficult to talk about and will require discretion.

On the flip side however certain problems require a strong attitude and you need to not be easily intimidated to be able push forward campaigns and often stand up for the issues that need voicing. I feel I can offer a good balance of these.

quench ed and deputy ed of gair rhydd W h a t ’ s your past experience on gair rhydd and Quench that will prepare you for this position?

How do you plan to continue the promotion of Welsh language and culture in the University? promote welsh music culture. Promoting the language itself, it is vital that we keep to the University's bilingual policy.

In 2006, the Inter-University Eisteddfod will be held in Cardiff.

Universities from all over Wales will come to partake in an interuniversity Eisteddfod.

I believe it is a very important part of Welsh Culture, so holding the inter-university Eisteddfod here would undoubtedly promote the Welsh language and its culture.

gay bisexual officer

Rahat Ahmed IF ELECTED my main aims will be to educate all people within the university about students of different ethnic, religious and

fostering healthy friendships between students will be my paramount aim.

Anshuman Rawat

AS GAIR RHYDD Letters Editor and Quench Fashion Editor I am one of the few people heavily involved in both the newspaper and the magazine.

This experience has shown me how both publications need to be run in order to be successful.

My commitment, dedication and passion for the newspaper are reflected by the additional work I do at gair rhydd: in addition to my usual sections I am frequently called upon to design special one-off pages, proof read and sub-edit.

cultural groups, which exist in our multi-cultural society.

I will try to prevent problems through setting up a multi-faith awareness week and having joint events between societies such as fashion shows, food fairs, discussions, Q&A sessions and guest speakers that allow integration of multi-cultures within the university.

I will help international students who have encountered racial issues and importantly working towards creating an International Students Support Officer. Also I will work to increase ethnic minority student representation in Student Council.

I HAVE loads of ideas for the union.

I was Race Equality Officer last year. One issue I am going to handle this year is eliminating all forms of racism in work and education.

I will be holding a race equality day which will bring all cultures, ethnic minorities and races together.

I will campaign against the BNP, who are playing a major part in the elections.

They could endanger the lives of all ethnic minorities. I will also run social and cultural events for all races. I would run a ‘No Drinking’

Perri Lewis

race equality officer What are the main issues you plan to raise and confront if elected?

Prashant Nagpal night for the Muslim students.

Geordie

March 7 2005

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Geordie Liberty, Security and Justice. And a pie on the way home.

Topsy Turvy Tory

T

he world has turned itself upside-down and insideout: the Conservative party is claiming that a Labour policy is a breach of basic human rights.

While it’s more than likely that the Tories’ complaint is nothing more than reactionary opposition to anything Blair’s government say, they have a point.

The issue in question concerns a government bill on terrorism which allows house detention of terror suspects without trial, on the say-so of the Home Secretary.

This is only one step away from men in trenchcoats dragging people away in the middle of the night never to be seen again. How are we supposed to defend our liberty by taking away our liberty?

The Cabinet looks likely to give in to demands that the order may only be given by a judge rather the government. Not giving what the government itself once described as “draconian power” to the Home Secretary is only a minor concession.

There is no possible justification - not even security - for the removal of the right to judgement by one’s peers, under the accepted burden of proof, reasonable doubt, and the right to hear evidence and to fight it.

We’ve never needed such drastic, authoritarian, quasi-fascist measures before, even during the Cold War, and there’s little need to start now.

Everybody in the House of Love

T

O MANY, the House of Lords is an anachronism to an even greater degree than the Royal Family – after all, the Queen has no real power any more, whereas the unelected Lords have an active role in the creation of legislation.

However, it is precisely because the Lords have their role for life that they can restrict what bills the government can push through, free from the threats to their career that can inhibit party rebellion against the policy of the Cabinet. This freedom from the Whip, particularly among cross-benchers, therefore makes the process of government ultimately fairer.

Currently, the Labour party is split on Lords reform, with the Prime Minister preferring a system of nominated life peers and removing the remaining hereditary peers, and others, such as Peter Hain, desiring to see an elected second chamber.

Electing the upper House could leave the same problems with majority government as found in the Commons, and strengthen the executive rather than weaken it. Nominating life peers means cretins like Jeffrey Archer can continue in a legislative role after a prison term. This is a bit of a doubleedged sword.

With present voter apathy, it’s hard enough getting the population off the sofa long enough to vote in an election for just the Commons. The requirement of a second election for another set of representatives is likely to be

LORDS: In the days before Take That split up seen as a waste of time, and support their erroneous belief that a single vote is meaningless.

As unpopular as it is with the government and the public, the current system may be our best option.

The Lords have certainly suceeded in forcing alteration to some of the Government’s more controversial bills, and by checking the Cabinet are therefore doing their jobs rather nicely.

Testing Times T he Conser vative Par ty’s plans to have all immigrants health screened, testing them for communicable infections such as HIV and TB, were denounced as racist by the Tories’ opponents. The policy clearly isn’t actually racist – they’re not advocating only testing black or asian immigrants – but it is severely misguided, and perhaps a little pointless.

Economic migrants and Asylum seekers are both likely to come from less prosperous areas of the world, which naturally leads to a higher incidence of disease. This is not racist, this is fact.

However, unless Michael Howard and his pals also plan to test every holidaymaker or businessman coming to the UK for the same illnesses, and every British citizen returning to the country from abroad, then such a practice would be at best hopelessly ineffectual at stopping the introduction of disease from abroad.

The fact that the policy was created at all is indicative of the current state of the Conservative party – preoccupied with immigration, with no real policies with which to give the Labour government a significant challenge. The government therefore continues virtually unopposed, as Charles Kennedy’s Liberal Democrats are, sadly, also far from being a threat to Blair’s domination.

Democracy works best - only really works at all if we’re honest when the Opposition is strong. At

present Tony Blair finds himself in the situation Maggie ‘She-Devil’ Thatcher was in throughout the 1980s: at the head of a government with scant opposition, able to force through whatever unpopular legislation he likes (tuition fees being a good example), in a position as close to absolute power as we can get these days.

Let’s hope that both of Labour’s opponents come up with some original thoughts and start to fight the status quo a little more convincingly.

Unless the Conservatives stop their preoccupation with immigration, and the Liberal Democrats actually wake up, Tony Blair might actually start to believe that he’s completely untouchable.

HOWARD: Useless

Complaints, suggestions, praise, criticism, vitriolic ranting: send it all to me at columnist@gairrhydd.com

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gair rhydd

FREE WORD Gas Panic

E

verybody has his or her own landlord horror stories to tell and almost every student could give an example of having to wait longer than necessary to get a fault fix.

But rarely can insufficient action on a fault have such near fatal consequences.

Carbon Monoxide is not known as a ‘silent killer’ for nothing and the girls were both incredibly lucky and incredibly sensible in their actions.

If they hadn’t installed a carbon monoxide alarm or called out an emergency plumber our front page could have been an awful lot more sobering.

A faulty boiler that could be leaking out carbon monoxide is in a completely different league from, say, a broken door or a washing machine that doesn’t work.

CPS should take full responsibility for their actions, issue an apology and give the girls suitable compensation.

If urgent action hadn’t been taken the letting agents could be faced with a potentially more costly court case and the deaths of eight young women on their hands.

O

C

lairey has just woken up from her midday nap. Sadly too late for Neighbours, but still in time for Doctors, and with buckets to spare before Murder She Wrote. She’ll probably be snoozing again by then however, as Clairey is the ultimate daytime napper.

Determined to grab the university experience with both hands, she’s forever talking about getting as much out of the endless opportunities on offer to ‘us student’s’ as possible. Just so long as those opportunities don’t

arise between one and three in the afternoon then she’ll be fine.

She was always the active child, and throughout school managed to balance a full day of lessons with being on the hockey team and playing the jazz clarinet.

However, since ‘progressing’ on to Cardiff she finds that just a one-hour lecture mid morning is enough to send her back to bed for the remainder of the day.

But it’s not just her bed where she likes to take these power naps. The sofa is a regular favourite, as is the

back of the lecture hall during the particularly dull talks around the critical sleeping period.

Days revolve around making sure that she’s situated in a suitable area for some shut-eye. Phones get turned to silent, text books get pushed aside, housemates shouts remain forever unanswered, as without this hour or two of ‘tactical snoozing’ Clairey’s day would dissolve into an unbalanced mis mash of blurrey eyes and unfocused faces.

She has gone without before, but was in such a foul mood for the

remainder of the day that her best friend suggested that she better go and ‘rest’ before venturing out that evening.

For it’s not that Clairey is a person who generally gets tired. She averages three big nights out a week, she never misses a Drunk On Funk and she’s a regular in the student bars of Cathays. But for those two particular hours of the day, regardless of anything else which may be happening in her life, Clairey needs to nap. Understandable though. She does have a five hour week.

Pampered in pyjamas, but poor in prospects

By Andrew Rennison

A

s the sun rises to christen another Tuesday morning, I hear the patter of student feet outside my door. The time is half past eight, and the medics and engineers are shaking off the hangover blues ready for the customary early start. All over Cardiff, those doing proper degrees are doing the same.

I stay in bed. In fairness, I couldn’t actually stand, having taken full advantage of the new union bar prices the previous night. But, with a 12 o’clock start and only two lectures to

look forward to, lack of mobility wasn’t really a problem.

My timetable makes me a complete bastard. There can be no argument.

Anyone who chalks up a mere nine hours in uni a week and considers 10 am to be early deserves to be hated. I have made my peace with being a lethargic English student.

However, I will not take any abuse from students who work 9 ‘til 5 week in week out. Sure, my medical flatmates – Ceri and Naked Andy – are slaving away whilst I’m still in my pyjamas, but I envy them.

Because once they’re out of here, there’ll be no turning back.

Pretty much every medic should be as content as a Hindu cow, for the light at the end of their tunnel is the prospect of walking into a guaranteed salary once uni has been condemned to memory. I’d get up at eight o’clock for that.

Sure, I’m cruising right now, happily spending my empty days watching Countdown and eating peach slices straight out of the tin, but what next? My post-uni future is an abyss of uncertainty.

Many of my medic friends will go on to heal the sick, save lives, and maybe even cure cancer or something.

But what will I be bringing to this

world with an English degree? The ability to look at old poems? Score!

Of course many English graduates go on to success and happiness, but the failure rate is far in excess of that for doctors, dentists, engineers, etc.

Personally, I’m going to marry rich.

Any ladies reading who are destined for a decent inheritance give me a call – I don’t care if you’ve got a face like a bulldog sucking a lemon, I’m not fussy.

So next time any of you busybodies out there scowl bitterly at the dosser who’s still in bed, spare a second thought for their gloomier prospects.

Electioneering

nce again election time is upon us and the candidates’ manifestos have now been released.

Reading through these it becomes immediately obvious that, as always, there are some outstanding candidates, but also some people standing for election who are simply not up to the job. gair rhydd cannot tell you who to vote for and neither should be we able to but we can encourage you to read each promise carefully. After all, these people could be running your union next year.

Take time to look past any gimmicks and speak to those standing for elections - it should become quickly apparent as to their suitablity for position after a few minutes of probing questions.

It is up to you, the student population, to ensure that no sub-standard officers are elected.

This can only be done by taking an interest in what the candidates have to say

E

James Emtage’s Student Stereotypes Clairey: the daytime power napper

The Vice ain’t right

verybody likes to get paid what they’re worth but even by today’s standards Professor Antony Chapman’s salary seems excessive.

UWIC is a university on the rise, there is no doubt of that, but to have their vice-chancellor on more than his Cardiff University counterpart is controversial, to say the least.

With the funding of many universities still facing an uncertain future the size of Professor Chapman’s salary will certainly raise a few eyebrows.

Rachel Howell’s

ROOM 101

I

love getting a bunch of people together and heading down to the cinema to forget about the stress of student life (hey, agonising over how to fit a strict schedule of daytime TV into your busy life can be a worry).

If you’ve had a hardcore week of drinking and studying, at just three pounds, going to the cinema offers a welcome alternative. Or, if you’re feeling particularly lazy and fancy slobbing around the house, renting a video works just as well.

You’re right in sensing a huge BUT here. Much as I love the aforementioned activities, there is something I really hate about watching films. Trailers. Even worse than trailers, the saddos who insist on watching them all.

Being late for everything, I consider the trailers as being there to be missed.

In my mind, it’s a way of making sure I’m on time for the start of the film itself. Unfortunately, my friends don’t share this viewpoint. Instead, they all seem to have an inexplicable fetish for having all bums on seats for whatever time the showing starts.

‘But it won’t start at 8: 10’, I say, perplexed, ‘the trailers will be on for at least fifteen minutes!’ To which the reply is always, ‘The trailers are the best part of the film!’

Am I missing something here? a) The trailers are not a part of the film, but are bits of different films, not to mention annoying orange adverts and no smoking warnings; b) Why do I want to see a part of what’s going to happen in a film that’s not going to be released for another six months, by which point I’ll have forgotten what I saw on the trailers anyway; and finally, c) If I like the sound of a film I can

make up my own mind about it, without watching a tiny selection of random moments from a film, which doesn’t form a coherent impression of the plot anyway. Jesus!

Inevitably, by the time I’ve arrived at the cinema and managed to grab some sweeties, I am sweaty and out of breath, having been forced by my punctuality obsessed friends to adhere to their trailer worship.

Oh well, at least I can eat my pick’n’mix in peace, I sigh to myself. I can, but by the time the bloody trailers are over I’ve scoffed the lot! I spend the rest of the film drumming my fingers in irritation, longing for a sugar rush to soothe my strained nerves.

Even more annoying is watching a video at home. Turning the lights off and grabbing the video remote to whiz through the trailers, I am met with anguished cries of ‘What are you

doing? Leave the trailers on!’ It may be partly owing to the comfort of the sofa, but by the time the trailers are over I’m usually asleep, only to awaken to the credits and squeals of ‘That was hilarious! Oh, were you asleep? You missed out!’

So come on people, let’s put trailers in Room 101. This can’t be a completely isolated hatred…there’s got to be someone out there who agrees with me, isn’t there?

want to contribute to the

gair rhydd?

MEETINGS ON MONDAYS AT 2.15 IN THE GR OFFICE

Editorial & Opinion

March 7 2005

Page 15

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Lamenting the absence of IMG refs

By Dave Doyle

I

think it would be fair to say that IMG football will never quite show the technical skill that characterises the beautiful game at professional level.

But this isn’t stopping many of the IMG teams taking the competitive levels of the game to absurd levels.

At the end of the day boys we’re not getting paid, we don’t have thousands of fans watching us on Sky and these games are supposed to be fun.

As IMG draws to a close, the pres-

sure has increased on teams aspiring to get to the top of their leagues.

I’m all for the competitive nature of the game, it wouldn’t be fun with out it.

I also believe that IMG should be rougher than stuff at the higher level, tackles should be allowed to be harder and players should get away with the odd shove in the back.

What IMG players often lack in skill should be made up for with the grit characteristic of British football.

There is a line where breaking the rules has to be drawn though and the violence which has plagued the leagues since its beginning needs to be stopped.

If someone napalms your mother or worse nicks your pint then perhaps

a violent reaction can be justified.

On too many occasions though I’ve seen players swing at each other for the pettiest of reasons.

ambulances tearing onto pitches To throw punches at someone who has his back turned to you just because he went in a bit hard on a tackle is both cowardly and completely opposed to the point of the games.

If you’re feeling tense then put in a hard tackle, stick the ball in the back of the net or if you must, go buy a

girly mag and head somewhere you won’t be disturbed.

Starting a fight doesn’t make you a big man, it just exposes the mind-set of a little boy.

Of course the problem isn’t only with the handful of players who cause trouble; the IMG structure is useless at preventing problems of this nature.

There are no measures to prevent foul play in the games unless teams make a special effort to organise independent referees looked after by substitutes from either side.

As the pressure mounts this inevitably means there is a rise in cheating.

Time after time IMG teams are having to come up against a referee so biased that every decision will go

against you, blatant penalties won’t be given and dangerous tackles will be breezed over. The whole system is constantly on the verge of erupting and has done before.

Too many times I’ve seen ambulances tearing on to the pitches. What will it take to sort out this mess?

And if a referee is biased what can you do? Argue with him, argue with the other players and the violence surges up again.

In the netball leagues, the teams pre arrange another team’s player to referee the game to ensure impartiality.

Why can’t this be done in the football leagues? I only hope the IMG Chair next year can rescue this shambles.

Tony Blair’s ‘new deal’ for terrorists

By Dan Ridler

A

knock at the door. Police in riot gear brandishing submachine guns storm in.

Chucked in a cell, within days you’re hauled up in front of a judge and, around hazy evidence and hysteria, sentenced to indefinite house arrest.

Now this is not a scene from China, not Sudan and not even Iraq. This image is taken from 2006 Britain if the government passes new laws before March 14.

Now I’d agree, there are threats to this country, as with every other west-

ern democracy. The police need powers to hold those who are suspected of plotting against the government and people, it’s true. So why not hold them indefinitely? So what if we lock them in their house for a while without charge? After all, what are one per-

a person’s rights are important son’s rights against the lives of thousands they could kill?

This kind of number crunching is thoroughly irrelevant though. A person’s rights are crucially important, because that is what separates us from

the terrorists. To them human life, rights and freedom of speech are not important, all that matters is getting their radical point across.

We should strive to maintain our democratic ideal. The terrorist’s aim is to scare our liberal democracies into hard line security oriented states through an irrational fear of a handful of desperate madmen.

It was disappointing this week to see our Prime Minister succumbing to this scare-mongering, claiming that there are "several hundred" active plotters, a figure immediately refuted by the intelligence agencies.

This demonstrates that with a jittery and paranoid government calling the shots, granting unconstitutional powers of arrest is perhaps an unsound idea.

Laws like this are dangerous, unnecessary and fundamentally go against everything that British democracy stands for. The introduction of a judge into the process in place of the Home Secretary is no consolation

laws like this are dangerous either. Whoever the judges are they will be pre-selected and under huge political pressure to get the right result. Knowing the potential consequences of releasing a terrorist, who went on to commit an act of terror, I find it unlikely that you would receive

an impartial judgement.

The law is fundamentally wrong; whoever decides the outcome of separate trials. The crux of the issue is not who decides but how they decide.

Surely they should be granted the rights of even the lowest criminalinnocent until proven guilty, beyond reasonable doubt?

I’d like to end this article with a quotation from Lord Thomas, A Liberal Democrat Former Judge quoted in the Independent this week, "…security is no justification for the breach of the fundamental principles which underpin our democratic system. No depravation of liberty by ministerial say so, no midnight secret knock on the door, no gulags whether in Siberia or in Guantanamo." Well said.

Editorial & Opinion

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March 7 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Who says West is best?

Bethany Whiteside looks at western ‘civilisation’ and asks whether we deserve to be called civilised

A

mainstay of Western ideology is its unshakeable belief in its own superiority; a crucial factor for the maintenance of this thought is the barbaric nature of those beyond the realm of Western civilisation. At face value the debate appears to be West versus East and South.

McDonalds, bull fighting and death row versus stoning women for adultery, mud-houses and eating without cutlery It is universally acknowledged that the West exploits the rest of the world; for many this is as a result of its superiority. For the more humane among us it is hard evidence of collective ignorance, arrogance, cruelty and disdain for others.

America, superpower of the world, deserves to have many charges laid at its door. Firstly the controversy of death row, also termed murder.

Justification can be made for the annihilation of the guilty; none can be made for the death of the innocent or those suffering from severe mental illness.

“Bullfighting and death row versus stoning women for adultery” The most extreme example of such a case involves serial killer Aileen Wuornos, her infamy sealed with the film Monster. During court investigations it was revealed Wuornos came from a family riddled with mental and alcoholic afflictions, suffered sexual abuse under the hands of her brother and was consumed with borderline and anti-social personality disorders.

One of her ‘victims’ was Richard Mallory, previously convicted for violent rape. Prime vermin himself for death row.

Every year the United States of America condemns to death men and women suffering from mental problems, often the result of tragic childhood backgrounds. Statistically, being black, poor and undereducated intensifies the chances of a death warrant being signed after a crime has been committed. Does the story sound familiar? The whole thing reeks of Nazi practice. This is not an anti-death row rant, but criticism of one aspect of a practice carried out in a country seemingly devoted to damming the rest of the world.

Unfortunately European counterparts also deserve incriminating accusations to be laid at their door.

Spanish blood fiesta’s revolve around the needless torture and death of innocent creatures, a medium of ‘leisure’

From this... promoted under the Spanish National Bullfighting Law. In other words, defence and celebration are made concerning the mutilation, torture and murder of bulls, of crushed donkey’s of the Pero Palo fiesta’s in Villanueva de la Vera, goats being thrown off the church tower in Manganese de la Polvorosa, and bulls castrated alive for fun in Coria. Such barbarity is not just representative of Spanish culture, but of humanity as a

And from this... ... to this

whole. How can people actually inflict such pain – for fun?

Continuing the animal theme, hare coursing, the event of the year culminating in The Waterloo Cup attracts the worst of the human race. As Sir Mark Prescott remarked, the ‘audience’ are composed of "10% Knobs and 90% Yobs." This is not a method of pest control; hares are imported from other parts of England prior to the occasion to ensure good sport on

the day. Let the fun begin.

In another corner of the world, children are being exploited sexually, physically and mentally. True the whole ‘chain-reaction’ situation cannot be wholly blamed on the western man, but there is no doubt they play the vital part in their ‘consumerist role’, in their quest to fulfil their biological and egotistical urges. Western men pay for ‘sex tours’ in that ‘other civilisation’ where they are provided with young girls for a nominal fee, with which to have their wicked way.

Consequently AIDS is spiralling out of control, resulting in sex traffickers seeking ever-younger girls.

Many of these girls ‘employed’ will never escape from disease or the ‘debt bond’ many are signed into by their family which requires them to work the money off by prostitution.

Another aspect of child exploitation involves the sweatshops in existence for Nike, Gap and other Western brand names.

Last year Nike celebrated profits in excess of $579 million, while their workers are paid a pittance. Currently more than 246 million child labourers are in existence, at least 73 million of these are under ten years old.

Another American consumer giant is "I’m lovin’ it" McDonalds. The West may look down the noses at those they believe squalor like animals, but McDonalds is guilty of crimes against nature. Appalling conditions exist whereby chickens are only allowed to occupy 0.55 of the USDA recommended two-square feet of space; not enough space to spread even one wing.

In addition, McDonalds suppliers grow the birds so large that they suffer terrible leg deformities. Another example of animal cruelty concerns the skinning of cows. Federal standards require animals to be 100% stunned before this practice is carried

... to this out, however PETA has pointed out that a McDonalds training video implies that it is ok for at least five out of every 100 cows to be conscious whilst being dismembered and skinned.

McDonalds cannot be wholly blamed for the existence of such animal torture, but being the largest purchaser of beef and second largest of chicken, they not only hold responsibility for the treatment of animals, but are also in a unique position to speak out and change the situation for the better. Failure to do so reflects their cruelty, inhumanity and the true priority of profit.

“Greater wealth has only served to further inflate western egos” Inhumane was the key word associated with the actions of American and British soldiers who forced Iraqi prisoners to strip naked and simulate oral sex and sodomy for the camera. The disbelief, outrage and fury served to heighten the hypocrisy that the west had been accused of concerning the whole Iraqi war.

The purpose of this argument is not to accuse the West of being the evilest beings in existence, but to highlight the barbaric nature in existence and dispel some myths on western superiority. Greater wealth, health and technology have only served to further inflate western egos and incite further exploitation. Like a kleptomaniac on Fifth Avenue, the West cannot curb its primitive need to steal from the rest of the world; from the so-called barbarians many jeer and laugh at.

March 7 2005

Political Opinion

Page 17

politics@gairrhydd.com

Empty optimism from the Liberal Democrats Andrew Mickel looks at the threat posed by the Lib Dems in the run-up to the general election

Y

ou can tell that a general election must be drawing close; political commentators are once again claiming the Liberal Democrats are about to achieve something big.

The party seems to have grown surprisingly comfortable on the permanent cusp of great things, and the run up to this election is proving much the same.

Between the enfeebled Tories, disenfranchised Labour voters and the suspiciously well-timed birth of Charles Kennedy’s son just before the expected polling day, they have never had so much in their favour.

Charles Kennedy just doesn’t have the gravitas to be Prime Minister The circumstances on offer won’t present themselves so readily again; if they don’t capitalise on their gains this time, they probably never will.

The party faces a choice of stepping up to the demands of being on a par with the two main parties, or stepping back into its role of eternal bridesmaid.

Where exactly do the Lib Dems sit in relation to other parties? In the past they were easily summed up as being halfway between Labour and the Tories. Now they increasingly look like New Labour, but without the mill-

stone of Iraq around its neck.

This certainly doesn’t have to be a bad thing heading into the election.

With no prospect of Labour losing, it seems likely that it could be a barometer of opinion on the Government, like a mass by-election. Many people who won’t consider voting Tory will turn to the Lib Dems.

The two main parties really don’t seem to be giving enough credit to the risk posed by the third party. If they’re not careful, then they could find themselves in a true three-party system.

Before this can happen, the Liberal Democrats have to face up to real problems. For one rather crucial point, most people don’t know what they stand for.

There is a vague notion of what their policies are: normally amounting to the party’s opposition to the Iraq war, its plans to abolish council tax, and a lot of whining about how unfair the electoral system is. But without recognisable figures in the party, it is impossible to imagine them gaining more recognition. Who is actually on offer?

Everyone, at least, knows Charles Kennedy. Unfortunately, he’s reflective of his party in that he can be summed up in one word: ‘nice’.

An impassioned Charles Kennedy, like that on show at last year’s party conference, is something that could really attract people to the party.

It holds all the hallmarks of Lib Dem reasonableness, but doesn’t rest upon the bombastic boasts that get Blair and Howard attention. Part of the problem is that most of the time, it’s hard to imagine Chatshow Charlie run-

ging off anyone who dares to not agree with them.

The Lib Dems too have been adopting more populist policies, toughening up their crime policy and toning down its pro-European stance.

Whilst the party needs to seize this opportunity to get to the political lime-

DOES HE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?: Charles Kennedy ning a proverbial piss-up, let alone the country.

He simply doesn’t have the gravitas to be Prime Minister. At a push, he is just about imaginable as International Development Secretary. Something that doesn’t require him to make tough decisions. In short, something ‘nice’.

The other recognisable figures in the party are few. Menzies Campbell is a good father figure for the party but is too old to be considered ministerial material. Simon Hughes always seems harassed and accused, like a company director appearing on Watchdog.

And whilst space cadet Lembit Opik could be forgiven for pushing for more research into the asteroid risk to Earth, you have to query the judgement of a man who would voluntarily marry Sian Lloyd.

Bar the solid work of Shadow Chancellor Vince Cable, I couldn’t even tell you what jobs these people are supposed to hold. The Lib Dems clearly need more recognisable figures in the party.

In order to establish a three party system, the party is also going to need wider support, and there is a growing possibility that The Independent may support them at the election.

This would assure the party’s place in the news agenda and give them a foothold into people’s opinions. At the same time though, it spells out the risks to the party, should it gain more confidence and a higher profile, like the shrill Independent itself.

The paper increasingly reads like a left-wing Daily Mail, sacrificing real analysis and balance in favour of slag-

“It’s hard to imagine Chatshow Charlie running a proverbial piss-up, let alone the country” light, to surrender principles for populism puts them in the same fight as the Tories and Labour. That is a fight that a third party simply can’t win.

It is near-inevitable that the Lib Dems make further inroads to both Labour and Tory votes in the general election. It increasingly looks as though this could be a high point, not a turning point.

The Tories and Labour may not fear the Yellow Peril as much as they should; but at the same time there is a real risk that the Lib Dems view themselves as more important than they really are. If they are not very careful, then all their hard work could amount to nothing.

Love on the rocks across the Atlantic

BUILDING BRIDGES: Bush

By Emily Knightly

R

elationship. That is an interesting word. It covers all manner of sins. A relationship can be good and it can be bad. So what happens when a political relationship becomes a bad relationship?

As Hugh Grant’s character in Love Actually says, a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. Who was Hugh Grant’s character talking about? The United States, of course. And who was Hugh Grant’s character? The British Prime Minister. Who else?!

The United Kingdom consistently rejects a serious and meaningful relationship with the European Union while continuing to pursue a relationship with the United States. There has always been a tendency to refer to this relationship as a ‘special relationship’ but that is not always an accurate assessment.

The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has built his foreign policy on the notion that the US and the Europeans can work together for a better world and that Britain can play the unique role in facilitating that partnership.

As the US President, George Bush pays a visit to Europe this week, part of the US’s supposed effort to restore transatlantic harmony, Tony Blair could be forgiven for believing that such a working relationship may be about to become a reality.

As early as Monday evening Bush and the French President, Jacques

Chirac, had issued a joint statement calling for all foreign involvement in Lebanon to be withdrawn.

This month has also seen the US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice and the US Defence Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld visiting Europe.

Since Bush’s reinauguration last month the US administration seems to have taken a new direction regard-

“A stronger Europe can also provide a viable challenge to US unilateralism” ing policy towards the EU. They have realised that they will get further with these countries through cooperation rather than continual and deliberate irritation.

Britain would also benefit by realising that cooperation will get them further within the European Union

than their continued and unconditional support for the US. Indeed if Britain is to play the unique role in the development of relations between the US and EU, Blair must first ensure that British relations with the EU are as good as they can be; at present it is evident that this is not the case.

But in the same vain Blair must also ensure that stronger relations with the EU are developed in Britain's interest and for the benefit of Britain and the British people, not for the benefit of the US. Since the Iraq war divided opinion across both Britain and the EU it is more important than ever that Britain is seen to be building relations with the EU for the right reasons. The US and their agenda is not an acceptable reason, particularly not for our European partners.

Bush believes that a stronger Europe can work alongside the US. In essence this is true. But a stronger Europe can also provide a viable challenge to US unilateralism that has allowed decisions by the UN and other international agencies to be overruled in the past.

But a stronger Europe is not possi-

ACROSS THE DIVIDE: Blair ble without British support. Britain holds the cards to a stronger Europe and pose a challenge to the US. The use of these cards is likely to determine the future of Britain's relationships with both parties. Blair must tread carefully but with determination and resolve.

Health

Page 18

March 7 2005

health@gairrhydd.com

Hanging out your dir ty washing in public Sexually transmitted diseases are reaching epidemic propor tions, yet the hardest par t remains getting yourself tested. Farah Ahmed sees how scar y the GUM clinic really is .

By Farah Ahmad Health Reporter

E

veryone thinks they know about STDs, and everyone knows to wear a condom, yet cases of sexually transmited diseases seem to be turning into an epidemic.

Though the topic of sexual infection has gradually lost its taboo to become an easily talked about subject in health education, the ever increasing statistics indicate that there are still a large number of people who are not aware of the real facts.

While this isn’t meant to strike fear in promiscuous students, it is a reminder that STDs and HIV are a reality. Anyone who is sexually active in any way is at risk of contracting an infection.

While many people believe STDs can only be past on through unprotected sex, the fact is that infections such as genital warts are past from the skin and can therefore be caught through oral sex and petting.

This is why it is important to be careful and aware of the risks.

In November 2004, Health Secretary John Reid announced proposals for a £300 million campaign to tackle the rapidly escalating rates of sexually transmitted diseases. Reid stated that: "prevention messages are not getting through…we need to act now on sexual health - and make it a priority."

With extra funding being given to genitourinary clinics and treatment centres, testing for STDs is readily available and easy to recieve. Despite this, many seem reluctant to undergo testing.

Infections can lay dormant for a significant period of time and can be passed on to another sexual partner inadvertantly.

STDs, which are indiscriminate in the gender they attack, appear in a number of forms.

They range from pubic lice (tiny parasites) through to herpes (viral blisters), though those considered the most dangerous include gonorrhoea and chlamydia which are bacterial infections.

It is these infections which have become the focus of much attention over the last decade.

Rates of gonorrhoea infections have increased by 137% between 1995 and 2003, while genital chlamydia increased by 192%. Chlamydia has been the most commonly reported sexually transmitted disease since 2001, overtaking genital warts.

The danger with chlamydia in particular is that it often doesn’t show symptoms until it is too late.

It can have serious side-effects with the most significant being Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) which can lead to infertility in women. It can also increase susceptibility of other infections in men such

as Non-Specific Urethritis (NSU), an inflammation of the urethra.

The student age bracket is a highrisk category for these infections. In 2003 for example, 42% of females with gonorrhoea and 38% of females with genital chlamydia infection were under 20 years of age.

Most of these sexual diseases simply require short term treatments such as a dose of antibiotics. But if leftt unchecked, the damage can become irreversible.

Focus on AIDS Most students are in the low risk category for AIDS, but the fact remains that the number of sufferers in the UK continues to rise every year. This increase has been seen among women, and both heterosexual and gay men.

The most alarming statistic is that of the 68,000 people currently living with HIV in the UK, one third are still unaware they are infected.

As with any country with a high rate of STDs, testing is vital. During 2002 almost two-thirds of the newly found cases were transmitted through heterosexual sex; rather than as a result of homosexual relationships or drug use, as is so commonly believed.

Testing takes the form of a blood test and is free and easy. It may eliminate the risk of you being a carrier.

Real life: View from the waiting room I REALISED that for the sake of investigative journalism, I had to practise what I preached... So I visited the Cardiff Genitourinary Clinic, just off Newport Road, and spent my morning of terror being tested for STDs. This is the problem with going for testing, there’s the fear of the unknown and the embarrassment of the consequences of any previous hanky panky you’ve had.

One first piece of advice is to get there at a ridiculously early time to avoid queues (yes, queues). It opens at 8.45am, but when I arrived at 8.20am there were already 18 people in front of me in the queue. Be prepared to wait.

When they open up you get a rather unstylish ticket not unlike those from Tesco’s cheese counter. You’re then given a few forms to fill in and an appointment book with your reference number. This is so you can anonymously contact them again for results or future tests and so your identity is protected when called in by the doctor.

When the doctor finally calls you in, sexual history details are top of the agenda. But what is most interesting is the AIDS risk analysis they draw from details such as origin, sexual partners and so on. If you are not high risk it is your decision whether to stay on for the actual blood test for AIDS. I decid-

Some results are tested while you wait

A little bit of advice...

ed to.

First of all you give a urine sample and then wait in another room where the doctor completes an examination for sexually transmitted diseases such as chlamydia and gonorrhoea. While this obviously involves slight embarrassment and prodding and probing of your bits, there is always a nurse by your side for reassurance and the procedure is pain free.

Then there is another wait for the HIV blood test (pretty painless really) and the results of the main bacterial imbalances which they analyse on site.

The main results, which include the HIV test, come exactly two weeks later in the post.

In reality, queuing was the worst stage of the whole experience. The staff were friendly and the doctor was thorough. Clearly though, the whole experience can make you nervous as to what to expect. The main feelings I experienced were relief and an increased self-respect that I actually bothered to go and undergo what many perceive as an embarrassing and painful experience. Obviously I can only offer the female perspective, but talking to male friends who have visited, the feeling is exactly the same – relief and esteem that they have dealt with this ‘ordeal’.

The main thing I realised was that, however uncomfortable you might feel during the tests, it’s not a patch on how you might feel if you suffered from the long-term consequences of an infection you ignored. Plus, it is not just for yourself, but also for the protection of your sexual partners. A visit to the clinic is an essential preventative action we can take and we should take advantage of this free and easy service.

If you wish to find out more, contact the GUM clinic on 029 20335207 or pop in to the drop-in clinic in the Cardiff Royal Infirmiry, off Newport Road. The clinic is open Monday to Friday, 9.00am - 12 noon; 1.30pm - 4.30pm.

You can also get advice from your GP or if you are concerned particularly with chlamydia, you can get a urine test carried out at the University’s Family Planning Clinic on Park Place. Just phone up a week later for the results.

And of course, condoms are vital. Even when using other forms of contraception, it is advisable that you use condoms for extra protection. As embarrassing as it is, try and find out your partner’s sexual history and check they have had tests previously before having unprotected sex. Free condoms are available from the family planning clinic or the SHAG office on the third floor of the Union.

Did you know?

12m adults in the UK smoke Half of all smokers will be killed by their habit National No Smoking Day is on March 9th For advice and help on quitting smoking contact: Cardiff University Health Centre, 47 Park Place Tel: 02920 874810

Jobs & Money

Page 20

March 7 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Take a tour of the BBC’s financial help programmes include the rise of the anti-impotence drug Viagra which has come to lead a £1.5billion industry, the effects of increasing sick-leave for UK firms and the embarrassing withdrawal of Coca Cola’s bottled water Dasani.

The Money Programme is broadcast on BBC2 at the following times: Wednesdays, 7:30pm (when in season) specials are frequently produced and are broadcast in later evening slots.

Watchdog Who will serve below Sir Alan?

By Tom Scobie Jobs and Money Editor

I

f you’re interested in keeping up to date with jobs, business and consumer news then read on. gair rhydd has selected the best of terrestrial televisions programming on finance. Ranging from regulars to specials this selection will keep you informed.

Working Lunch BBC Two's award winning daily business, personal finance and consumer news programme Working Lunch is presented by Adrian Chiles.

It deals with a whole assortment of

issues ranging from viewers problems and questions such as clarifying complex terms like non-stakeholder account or customers who have been overcharged from banks to small business regulation.

Additionally there is the somewhat ‘slapstick’ Adam Shaw who analyses the stock market and company results.

There is also on the road reporter Rob Pittam who talks to businesses around the UK. They also have in-depth features looking at items such as pension schemes and ISA’s explained. On their website there is also help and advice for students on matters such as choosing a bank, how to budget and part time work.

Working Lunch is broadcast on BBC2 at the following times: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday 12:301:00pm, Wednesday 1:30-2:00pm and Friday 12:30-1:30pm.

The Money Programme The Money Programme is the one of the BBC's main business and finance programmes and has been reporting for the past 37 years.

It looks in detail at how big business functions, reports on financial scandals and analyses the effects of the internationalisation of trade and relates them to how they affect are everyday lives.

Notable and recent programmes

Watchdog, as most of you probably well know, is a consumer issues programme on BBC1 and focuses on customer complaints and business malpractice. Replying to viewers’ letters, emails and texts, the programme responds by pursuing their worries through contacting companies about the problems often in a hard-line manner. The heyday of Watchdog may have gone with the departure of Ann Robinson but the programme still produces some uncompromising reports on subjects such as cowboy builders, con-artists and holidays from hell.

Watchdog is broadcast on BBC1 at the following times: Watchdog has lost its regular slot of Monday evenings and varies to which weekday it will be broadcast on. Recently it has been shown on Mondays and Tuesdays, both at 7:00pm.

The Apprentice Following the huge success of the original version set in America and starring tycoon Donald Trump, BBC2 has decided to the replicate the show for British audiences. This time it’s set in London and the star is Amstrad mogul and former Tottenham Hotspur Chairman Sir Alan Sugar.

Fourteen budding entrepreneurs put up in a luxury mansion on the Thames have to endure challenging tasks set by Alan in a bid to win £100,000 salary. These include marketing toys and making the most profit in the floral business in one day. Only on for a limited period but a must see!

The Apprentice is broadcast on BBC2 at the following times Wednesdays, 9:00pm Websites: www.bbc.co.uk/moneyprogramme www.bbc.co.uk/workinglunch www.bbc.co.uk/watchdog www.bbc.co.uk/apprentice

d in issue An error occurre money: d an 779 of jobs site the corrected webstudentfiw. w w address is: .uk nancevigilante.co

Faraway shores beckon as more ‘grown-ups’ take a gap years Top up Fees take their toll The introduction of tuition fees has caused university applications to rise by 9% this year as applicants scramble to secure a place under the current financial system.

UCAS have said that an extra 31,453 people are seeking places on degree courses this October. Tuition fees will rise to £3,000 a year in 2006 from £1,150.

Popular universities, already overwhelmed by well-qualified applicants,

are certain to respond by raising their expected A-level grades.

Ministers sought to head off a rush for places before the increase by adding a late amendment to the Higher Education Bill so that students who took a gap year this year could still pay the lower fee.

Good news for graduates Graduate salaries are expected to reach record levels this year, with the average wage topping £22,000.

Employers forecast 14.5 per cent more vacancies, with an increase in the overall value of starting salaries of 4.8 per cent, or £1,000, the highest yearon-year increase since 2001, according to the Association of Graduate Recruiters.

Although the growth in vacancies has slowed by 1 per cent from 15.5 per cent last year, the sustained demand for graduates appears to contradict fears of graduate excess.

The highest earners are graduates going into investment banking who can earn as much as £35,000 when they start work. At the bottom end of the scale, graduate retailers could start on as little as £19,000 falling to £13,700 if they work for insurance companies.

Growth in UK debt Growing personal debts could cripple the economy, leaving thousands of households facing financial ruin, the Liberal Democrats have warned.

Vince Cable, the party's Treasury spokesman, described increasing debt as "the most important single danger" to sustained economic growth.

Outlining proposals to widen the safety net for borrowers and promote more responsible lending, he accused the government of complacency in failing to address the problem and urged it to push through its consumer credit bill before the election.

Mr Cable said that "credit providers should offer standardised information and financial watchdogs should investigate mortgage protection insurance". Credit histories should be "pooled", he said, to prevent irresponsible transactions. British household debt is now estimated at a total of £1,050bn.

More Gap Years

Forget the career ladder. One in seven of us would rather climb a mountain,

backpack around Australia or trek America as more and more people take gap years.

A survey published suggests the trend for the "grown-up gap year" is fast becoming a workplace reality rather than an optional extra.

The findings show that as many as one in seven of 2,000 professionals polled by ‘YouGov’ had already left their day jobs to go travelling, and that more than 75% of employees would consider doing so.

Trips average three to six months,

sometimes a year or more, either with jobs put on hold or by resigning and looking for work once they have returned. Grown up gap years have continued to increase in popularity as employees return with tales and photo’s of their travels.

Jobs & Money

March 7 2005

Page 21

jobs@gairrhydd.com

It’s payback time

By Dave Menon Jobs and Money Reporter For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

REPAYMENT: Do you understand the system?

W

ith graduation on the horizon and vital exams looming, many third year students forget about the process of repaying their student loan.

Knowing the repayment procedure may prove to be useful in the long term, especially when you are considering career options or travelling opportunities.

Finding the information is not difficult - the Student Loans Company website or a financial advisor can tell you everything you need to know.

But, if you give yourself five minutes to read this, the tedious task of looking for information will not be necessary.

Students are only required to begin repayment of their loan when their gross income exceeds £15,000 per year

Firstly, the Student Loans Company website says: "Under the new Student Support scheme, you are liable to start repaying your loan from the April after you graduate or otherwise leave your course."

Also, according to new guidelines which take effect from April 2005, students are only required to begin repayment of their loan when their gross income exceeds £15,000 per year.

Furthermore the website states that: "The majority of borrowers will have repayments collected by the Inland Revenue via the employer. So, repayments will be taken directly from your salary through the Pay As You Earn (PAYE) system."

Although the repayment of your student loan is based upon your salary, no money will be deducted from your bank account if you have not earned a sufficient amount in a particular month.

For example, if you have left your £15,000 per annum job for three months in order to go travelling, the website stresses that no money will be deducted whilst you are earning less than £1,250 a month.

"Repayment will not be over a fixed period. Repayment details differ in that repayments will be calculated as a percentage of income above the £1,250 per month threshold (£15,000 per annum).

"This marginal income percentage is set at 9%. So, the level of repayments will rise or fall directly in line with your income".

This means that how much you repay per month depends on how much you earn and how much you borrowed.

Various postgraduates have criticised this repayment process, because they are not given control over their finances.

The Student Loans Company bases the deduction of money purely on income, rather than personal circumstances. This could become a problem if you wanted to save money for a house or car, for example.

Nevertheless the process is fair as the repayment scheme is based on income, making it more difficult for you to slide into further debt.

If you are keen to pay off your student loan quickly, extra repayments can be made to speed up the process, even if you are not earning £15,000 per annum.

Students can also use the ICR Predictor, which estimates when your loan repayment comes to an end.

For further information on this subject, log on to www.slc.co.uk or ring 0870 240 6298.

None of us slaving away at gair rhydd towers actually have jobs or money (if we did, we wouldn’t be here). Fortunately, the lovely people at Student Services not only have jobs and money, but also spend their lives helping other people get jobs and money. If you’ve got any questions about careers or finance, email jobs@gairrhydd.com and, if you’re lucky, they’ll answer your worries on these pages. Bribery will not be accepted.

Swydd/Job:

Waiting/Bar Staff

Swydd/Job:

Customer Contact Agent

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £6 p/hr 8.30am–11.30am, 4.30pm-9pm ASAP ongoing Duties include: Accurately taking applications from customers, capturing key financial information for secured loans.

Essential requirements: Accuracy, customer focused target driven, adaptable to change

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

Cardiff £5.50 p/hr Flexible and varied ASAP ongoing Duties include: Plated and silver service waiting and bar work.

Essential requirements: Experience preferred but not essential, bright and cheerful, good communication skills and of smart appearance. Positions available both during term time and holidays. Regular and flexible work available .

112

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

111

Swydd/Job:

UCI Ushers etc

Swydd/Job:

Cardiff £5 p/hr 9am–1am Sunday–Thursday, 9am–3am Friday and Saturday Parhad/Duration: ASAP ongoing Manylion/Details: Duties include: Ushering – Cleaning and checking tickets Retail – Preparing and serving food, cleaning areas at the end of shifts.

Box Office – Selling tickets, giving film info etc.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

110

Vodafone Account Management Customer Service Advisors Cardiff Ardal/Area: £6 p/hr Tal/Wage: Various hours between Oriau/Hours: 8am–8pm. Part-time and evenings available Parhad/Duration: ASAP ongoing Manylion/Details: Duties include: Dealing with a variety of inbound enquiries from Vodafone customers.

Essential requirements: Excellent customer service skills, computer literacy and pleasant telephone manner.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

109

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for ongoing part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10am-4pm, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Letters

March 7 2005

Page 23

letters@gairrhydd.com

NUS debate special gair rhydd is happy to print the following letter from Kat Fletcher in response to last week’s ‘Fight Night’ spread. However, we would like to clarify a few points. With regard to her reference to the NUS card, we would like to make it clear that these were Gary Rees’s own comments and opinions that we printed verbatim and not the opinion of the paper. Secondly, we accept that it was not made clear to Ms. Fletcher as to whether she was being asked to submit an article or a statement for an article and apologise for any false impressions this may have caused. We are, as always, happy to set the record straight on this issue and would encourage all students to attend the NUS debate in the Great Hall on Thursday March 10.

Dear gair rhydd, RE: ‘Fight Night’, gair rhydd, Monday February 28 2005 I am writing to express my concern over your recent reporting of the upcoming referendum at Cardiff SU and, in particular, point out a number of factual errors in the report ‘Fight Night’ which was printed in gair rhydd on Monday February 28 2005.

Our Press Office were invited by your News Editor David Doyle to submit a ‘pro-NUS’ article and accompanying photograph to be published in your newspaper alongside an ‘anti-NUS’ piece.

We were not unreasonably under the impression, created by Doyle’s request, that the article would be printed in full as a statement of case on the referendum. My article and photograph were submitted by email on February 17 2005. I was therefore very surprised and disappointed to discover on publication of the newspaper that the article was not printed in full as had been indicated in the initial request. It’s contents were not only misleadingly represented as having been stated by me in the

course of an interview which did not of course take place, but also had been arbitrarily and significantly changed as indicated below.

1) NUS President Kat Fletcher has attacked calls for Cardiff University Students’ Union to disaffiliate, saying that students will ‘lose your national voice’.

I did not ‘attack calls’. As above, we were asked to submit a pro-NUS article informing gair rhydd readers about NUS. Actually, my article began like this: I welcome the opportunity to write this brief piece in advance of the forthcoming vote to reaffirm your Union’s affiliation to the National Union of Students (NUS).

The words ‘lose your national voice’ were lifted from the first sentence of a paragraph which reads as follows: “On Monday 14th and Tuesday 15th March you will be given the chance to say whether you think Cardiff Students’ Union should remain as part of NUS or whether you should lose your national voice and abandon the support, advice, benefits and discounts that a national union membership provides.”

The opening line of the piece as published suggests that NUS responded in a negative way towards the referendum when in fact my article clearly states otherwise. NUS and myself have embraced the opportunity to tell Cardiff students about the importance of NUS membership and my original article clearly defines this.

2) The comments follow CUSU’s decision...

I did not give comments to your reporter. I submitted an article to be published in full in the paper, as requested.

I was shocked and upset that statements in my article which referred directly to how NUS has helped students in Wales, in particular free prescriptions for the under 25s and winning a learning grant for Welsh students, had been omitted

from the published piece.

Had my article been published in full, the misleading statements and unspecific promises of Gary Rees, quoted in the parallel ‘Anti-NUS’ piece by Nicola Menage might have been presented less partially as indicated below: 1) “It is a myth that leaving NUS will lead to a rise in drink prices. It simply won’t happen...We are now looking into going into partnership with other unions and provide the same discounts as NUS, if not better.”

In my article it is clearly stated: Leaving NUS would result in higher prices for your Union and you. The discounts your Union gets from NUSSL far outweighs the cost of affiliating to NUS. 2) “At NUS Annual Conference this year there is a move to approve an NUS Extra Card which will replace the existing card. There will be a charge for this and it is you [the students] who will have to foot this bill” and “The Union has undertaken significant research into the possibility of a new card that will provide [the students] with discounts and benefits” The first statement is not true.

The NUS membership card will remain, whether or not the NUS Extra Card project is passed by conference. My article contained factual information on the Extra Card, which was not printed, and is as follows: NUS are always looking to improve what we offer students and their unions. We are currently debating whether to introduce an extra NUS card, in addition to the current membership card. This has the potential to open up a significant new source of income for your union, meaning that they will have more money to spend on the services they provide to you. One of the good things about NUS is that this decision, like all major decisions, will be

letter of the week Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas. They will be available from the forth floor of the Union.

No joking matter Dear gair rhydd, J.Ripper, I don’t think I have ever read a letter and been so filled with fury at the sheer lack of intellect and consideration of another human being. Firstly, have you or anyone you know ever had first-hand experience of daterape? From your uninformed excuse for an opinion, I’m guessing not. Date rape isn’t necessari-

ly about letting a shifty bloke buy you a drink; the majority of cases are committed by people who know the victim well.

Why don’t you try taking some Rohypnol and see how funny it is when you can’t speak, you black out, you have no control of your movements and you have your memory from the evening and your dignity completely wiped out.

Date rape is not something to joke about. The level of false reporting of date rape is about the

same for any other crime – just two per cent. And anyway, the nature of the physical examination and intimate questioning when someone reports rape makes it highly unlikely that anyone would use this as an ‘excuse’ for getting too drunk.

Maybe one day you will have some understanding of the subject, but until then you should keep your worthless, irrelevent opinions to yourself.

Claire

The gair rhydd letters page Just a little note to reassure everyone who has emailed me wanting to be a bona fide member of Letters Desk next year; we haven’t forgotten you. It’s just that we love our page so much that we’re finding it hard to let go. But I’m sure, in the near future, that we’ll get over it and contact you all. If anyone else fancies themselves as next year’s Letters Editor drop us a line at our usual email address. Perri made by our membership - those representatives you elect to attend NUS Conference. Changes to the card would only go ahead after a democratic debate and vote at conference.

Yours Faithfully, Kat Fletcher, NUS National President

Student opinion Dear gair rhydd, I’ve been reading the debate concerning the possible disaffiliation with the NUS with interest. One of the points made is that the NUS is failing students, the example being the poor turnout for the anti-top-up fee demonstration last year.

While I agree that the march was a spectacular failure, I don’t think the NUS is solely to blame. Yes, they could have done much more to publicise the event but unfortunately many students just weren’t interested or felt that it wouldn’t make a difference - just look at the way the antiwar demos in 2003 were ignored.

Some of my friends in English universities didn’t come on the basis that the decision had been made in England and so the outcome in Wales wouldn’t affect them. The main problem is student apathy, not the NUS. The NUS provides a valuable political voice and if we disaffiliate, we lose that. If we want to effectively oppose top-up fees in Wales we need Welsh universities to be united

text

and work together. NUS Wales provides the best tool for that. I agree that there are issues with the NUS that need to be resolved and I believe that Cardiff Students’ Union is in a position to do this - after all it is the biggest union in Britain.

I appreciate that people are concerned with issues such as drinks prices and student discounts, but we need to look at the bigger picture.

Disaffiliating is going to make it easier for top-up fees to be introduced and realistically that is a much scarier prospect than having to pay adult prices at the cinema.

Nina, History Please email your letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com

corrections and clarifications Please note that, like all gair rhydd and Quench sections, the Letters page has a new email address.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

07791165837

tall guy you are so tall!

T.G.F.C on the ongoing NUS saga, does noone want recognition as a student when they go home? or to visit friends at other unis - some of which won’t let non-students in?!

philosophy student wishes to create an andrew edgar fan club. all interested meet me in his attic. anytime is fine. p.s. bring some food. I haven’t eaten in days ben the men loves men

in my experience disney characters are easy

if beauty loved the beast and the beast loved beauty. is an iced bun the key to the heart?

kate please go see a vet, those farts you do in my bed make me heave x

we were perfectly happy with our hand-painted figurines

Taf-Od Cymru’n Dathlu Llwyddiant Cerddorol ~ Wales Celebrates Musical Achievement

Tud 24

7 Mawrth 2005

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Artist Cymraeg Newydd Gorau/ Best Welsh Language Newcomer: Alun Tan Lan Best Newcomers/ Grwp Newydd Gorau: Bullet For My Valentine Artist Unigol Gwrywaidd Gorau/ Best Male Solo Artist: Christopher Rees Best Female Solo/ Artist Unigol Benywaidd Gorau: Katherine Jenkins DJ Newydd Gorau/ Best Up and Coming DJ: Stuart Grady Best DJ/ DJ Gorau: Dave Mills MC Gorau/ Best MC: Humurak D’ Gritty Best Dance Night/ Noson Ddawns Gorau: Cool House Label Gorau/ Best Label: Machine Records Best Producer/ Cynhyrchydd Gorau: High Contrast Rhaglen Gerddoriaeth Gorau/ Best Music Programme: Bandit - S4C Best Radio Show/ Rhaglen Radio Gorau: Bethan and Huw - BBC Radio 1 Achlysur Gorau/ Best Event: Escape Into the Park - Abertawe

Gan Elgan Iorwerth a David Ford Golygydd a Gohebydd Taf-Od

E

R NI GELLIR EI gymharu a’r Oscars, ar Ddydd Gwyl Dewi fe ymgasglodd nifer o enwogion gerddorol Cymru yn Neuadd y Ddinas.

Pedair mlynedd yn ôl fe dechreuwyd Gwobrau Cerddoriaeth Cymru i ddathlu cyflawniadau’r talent Cymraeg.

Gyda Amanda Protheroe-Thomas, gynt o Sgorio a DJ Richie ‘Vibe’ Vee o BBC 1Xtra yn croesawi. Cafwyd mwy na 20,000 o bleidleisiau’r cyhoedd dros y tri enwebiad i bob un o’r 26 wobr.

Roedd yna restr o enwogion ger llaw i gyflwyno’r gwobrau gan gynnwys Bethan Elfyn a Peter Karrie er iddo mynd yn ôl i’w sedd un wobr yn gynnar gan adael i’r croesawyr lenwi’r bwlch.

Yn wir roedd Bethan yn brysur rhwng cyflwyno a derbyn gwobrau a fod yn newyddiadurwraig ar yr un pryd. Ar ddiwedd y noson fe siaradodd hi a Taf-Od gan ddweud bod yn noson yn “bleserus ond yn ‘hectic’.”

Y Perfformwyr Byw Wedi’r gwledd o gyrri a gwin, agorwyd yn noson gan Rhian Benson. Dangosodd y gwraig Afro-Gymraeg bod yna wir gymysgedd o arddulliau gerddorol yma yng Nghymru.

Cafwyd mwy o berfformiadau gan y swynol Elin Fflur gyda dau gân ‘soft-rock’ Gymraeg. Un o’r uchafbwyntiau oedd

perfformiad ecsentrig Aikira the Don, er efallai nid oedd ei hip-hop a geiriau digri at ddant pawb.

Fe glowyd y noson gan Grwp Newydd Gorau, Bullet for my Valentine, y band metal boblogaidd a ddaeth a ychydig fwy o swn i’r neuadd.

Enillwyr Lluosog Mae’r patrwm ddiweddar wedi bod i un neu ddau artist gipio’r mwyafrif helaeth o’r gwobrau ond braf oedd gweld taw’r dau oedd y mwyaf o wobrau aeth i unrhyw enwebiad.

Enillodd Goldie Lookin’ Chain Artist Ddawns Gorau a Sengl Gorau am ‘Guns Don’t Kill People, Rappers Do’. Fe gurodd Lostprophets Mclusky at wobr Artist Roc Gorau gan ychwanegu gwobr Albwm Gorau yn hwyrach yn y nos.

Er efallai ei fod yn wrthgyferbyniad fe enillodd Clwb Ifor Bach gwobr Lleoliad Roc a Phop Bach Gorau a Lleoliad Ddawns Bach Gorau gyda’r Coal Exchange y ennill y wobr am Lleoliad Roc a Phop Mawr Gorau.

Ymadroddiaeth Nid gellir cael noson wobrwyon heb ymadroddiad diolch gan yr enillwyr. Gair cyflym o ddiolch gafwyd gan yr enillwyr nid dagrau. Daeth y noson yn agos i fod yn at-greuad o’r Brits gyda Katherine Jenkins yn danfon fideo i dderbyn gwobr Artist Unigol Benywaidd Gorau.

Goldie Lookin’ Chain daeth a’r hwyl i’r noson gyda un o’r aelodai’n yn cwympo

Sister Smith: Ser Disglair y Dyfodol Sister Smith: Shining Stars of the Future oddi ar y llwyfan, tra bod fideo Ian Watkins’ o’r Lostprophets yn gwbl heb yr hiwmor oedd yn bwriadu creu.

Dewisodd gyn gohebydd gair rhydd a chyflwynydd rhaglen S4C Bandit, Ian Cottrel, derbyn gwobr Rhaglen Gerddoriaeth Gorau gyda’r geiriau: “Diolch. It’s about fucking time.”

Siaradodd gyda Taf-Od yn hwyrach gan ddweud ei fod yn falch i’r rhaglen ennill o’r diwedd wedi sawl enwebiad yn y gorffennol.

Cymraeg Braf oedd gweld y noson yn cael ei redeg yn ddwyieithog gyda Bwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg yn cefnogi tri o’r pedwar gwobrau’r iaith Gymraeg.

Ar ôl siom o fethu allan yn gwobrau BBC Radio Cymru roedd y band roc seicedelig Ashokan yn amlwg wrth eu bodd gan ddweud eu bod yn “Chuffed to Bits” ac ychwanegu eu bod yn siwr oedd Texas Radio Band yn mynd i ennill.

Ni adawodd Texas Radio Band yn waglaw wrth iddynt gasglu gwobr Record Newydd Cymraeg Gorau gyda Pep Le Pew yn ennill wobr Grwp Ddawns Cymraeg Gorau ac Alun Tan Lan yn ennill Artist Cymraeg Newydd Gorau.

Cyfraniad Eithriadol Erbyn hyn mae gan pob noson wobrwyon gwobr am unigolyn sydd wedi gwneud cyfraniad eithriadol at ei maes.

Eleni yr enillydd haeddiannol Gwobr Academi Cerddoriaeth Cymru Am Gyfraniad Eithriadol I Gerddoriaeth Cymraeg oedd Kingsley Ward, cyd-sefydlwr stiwdio recordio Rockfield a chynhyrchydd rhaid o gewri cerddoriaeth ledled y byd megis Black Sabbath, Catatonia, The Darkness a llawer mwy.

Wrth dderbyn y gwobr arbennig dywedodd ei fod yn teimlo fel petai’n “Getting really old,” ac ei fod ei farwolaeth ar drothwy’r drws gan ddweud: “Next year I won’t be here.”

Siawns Wedi’i Golli?

Wrth edrych yn ôl gellir dyfarnu bod y noson wobrwyo yn lwyddiant.

Achlysur pwysig i arddangos a chefnogi talet o fewn pob cangen o gerddoriaeth Cymru mae’r gwobrau yn gwneud hyn ac yn haeddu clod am eu gwaith. Ond, mae angen i’r achlysur dyfu i denu gynulleidfa mwy eang a dod a gwir lwyddiant i’r gwobrau yn y dyfodol.

By Elgan Iorwerth and David Ford Taf-Od Editor and Reporter

I

T WAS HARDLY the Oscars, or for that matter the Brits. But on St. David’s Day, the movers and shakers of the Welsh music industry gathered in Cardiff’s City Hall to recognise the cream of 2004’s talent at the fourth annual Welsh Music Awards.

In a ceremony hosted by BBC 1Xtra’s DJ Richie ‘Vibe’ Vee and TV presenter Amanda Protheroe-Thomas, a total of 26 awards were dished out.

Each category had three nominees put to an online public vote, which this year garnered over 20,000 responses.

The awards were presented by guest stars including Radio 1’s Bethan Elfyn, musician Elin Fflur and singer Peter Karrie.

Bethan was seemingly the busiest person on the night, acting as recipient, presenter and journalist. Despite this, she told gair rhydd that she had found the evening ‘enjoyable but hectic’.

Live Acts The gathered audience of artists and industry insiders were treated to a champagne reception and before proceedings were kicked off by a performance from funky AfroWelsh singer Rhian Benson.

Further live performances came from Elin Fflur’s soft-rock numbers, and the marvellously moustachioed genius Akira The Don, who combined hip-hop scratching and amusing breathy vocals to tremendously entertaining effect.

Best Newcomers, Bullet For My Valentine, provided the night’s volume and power.

Multiple Winners Unlike certain awards ceremonies, the night wasn’t dominated by any one or two artists, with only

four nominees scooping more than one award.

Goldie Lookin’ Chain won Best Dance Act and Best Single for ‘Guns Don’t Kill People, Rappers Do’, while Lostprophets beat Mclusky to retain Best Rock Act, as well as picking up Best Album.

Another double winner was Cardiff’s Clwb Ifor Bach, which proved its eclecticism by being voted not only Best Small Dance Venue but also Best Small Rock and Pop Venue.

The remaining venue award went to Cardiff Bay’s Coal Exchange. The hosts of the previous three years’ awards picked up the Large Rock and Pop Venue trophy, beating the Students’ Union’s Great Hall.

Speech!

The all-important acceptance speeches mostly consisted of brief thank yous, rather than comedy routines or floods of tears.

GLC predictably provided the night’s funniest moment with one member falling off the stage, while Lostprophets’ Ian Watkins’s vain attempts at humour in his video speech was anything but.

Former gair rhydd contributor Ian Cottrell accepted the Best Music Programme award for S4C’s Bandit, with the words: “Diolch. It’s about fucking time.” He told gair rhydd how great it was to finally win something after a string of unsuccessful nominations.

Cymraeg The Welsh language was well supported with much of the ceremony conducted bilingually, and the Welsh Language Board sponsoring three of the four awards specifically rewarding its use.

After disappointment at the recent BBC Radio Cymru Awards, psychedelic rockers Ashokan were clearly ecstatic at receiving Best Welsh Language Act. The band told gair rhydd they were ‘chuffed to bits’ having been convinced Texas Radio Band would carry off the title.

Best Welsh Language Release/ Texas Radio Band didn’t leave emptyRecord Newydd Cymraeg Gorau: handed though winning Best Welsh Texas Radio Band - Baccta Crackin’ Language Release, while Pep Le Pew Sengl Gorau/ scooped Best Welsh Dance Act, and Alun Best Single: Tan Lan was named Best Welsh GLC - Guns Don’t Kill People, Rappers Do Language Newcomer.

Best Album/ Outstanding Contribution Albwm Gorau: Lostprophets - Start Something The crowning glory of the awards cerLleoliad Roc a Phop Gorau (o dan 500)/ emony though was the Music Academy Best Rock and Pop Venue (under 500): Wales Award for Outstanding Clwb Ifor Bach - Caerdydd Contribution to Welsh Music.

Best Rock and Pop Venue (over 500)/ This year’s genuinely deserving recipiLleoliad Roc a Phop Gorau (dros 500): ent was Kingsley Ward, co-founder of Coal Exchange - Cardiff Rockfield studios and legendary producLleoliad Ddawns Gorau (o dan 500)/ er of artists including Black Sabbath, Best Dance Venue (under 500): Clwb Ifor Bach - Caerdydd Catatonia, and The Darkness.

Best Dance Venue (over 500)/ On receiving the accolade, he joked Lleoliad Ddawns Gorau (dros 500): that the award implies that he’s ‘getting Escape - Swansea really old’, and must mean his forthcomGrwp Dawns Cymraeg Gorau/ ing death, quipping that: “next year I Best Welsh Language Dance Act: won’t be here.”

Pep Le Pew Opportunity Lost?

Best Welsh Language Act/ The Welsh Music Awards offer an Grwp Cymraeg Gorau: Ashokan opportunity to showcase and reward the diverse branches of Welsh talent. While Artist Pop Gorau/ Best Pop Act: this is achieved to an extent, it could be Rhian Benson suggested that the awards fails to bring Best Dance Act/ the music to a wider audience, due to the Artist Ddawns Gorau: relatively small scale of the event.

Goldie Lookin’ Chain An appearance from a worldArtist Roc Gorau/ renowned act such as Manic Street Best Rock Act: Lostprophets Preachers or Stereophonics could have raised the profile of the event and offer Outstanding Contribution/ the platform the Welsh music scene Cyfraniad Eithriadol: Kingsley Ward deserves.

Media

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March 7 2005

media@gairrhydd.co.uk

How can we replace Woodville Rd? Xpress soap has ‘done everything possible within the realms of plausibility’

T

he curtain may be about to fall on Cardiff University’s radio soap opera Woodville Road, but the show continues to be as innovative and scandalous as ever.

Indeed, it has always portrayed a more dramatic way of life than the typical student at Cardiff (or indeed any university) has experienced. The soap centres around the somewhat incestuous relationships of eight students who live on Woodville Road. Prepare to meet Nicki (Katy McDonald), who arranged a surrogacy deal with Viv (Yvonne Rumfitt) to sell her child for £10, 000. Viv also happens to be stalking Gareth (Rob Brown), who is gay and in turn stalked Patrick (Justin Jeffreys), but slept with Viv anyway.

Not to mention Charlotte (Amelia Harvell), who doesn’t know she is sleeping with her brother Alex (Andy Connolly), and is the love of Patrick’s life. Kirsty (Andrea Bishop) has also slept with Patrick, before turning on him in revenge for accidentally killing her first love, Josh. And Stuart (Colm Murphy), who is currently dating Nicki, was paid to date Gareth in the past. And that’s not the half of it!

offered the part almost straightaway."

It’s a similar story for Katy Mcdonald, who plays Nicki: "I thought I might be offered a role as an extra, but auditioned and ended up as one of the main characters. I was told that my personality was suited to my character, and it all started from there."

Both Rob and Katie hope that the co-creator Justin Jeffreys goes easy on their characters in the final episode.

Gareth says: "I really just want things to work out for Gareth. He’s a nice guy and deserves a break." Katie agrees: "I’d like Nicki to have a happy ending.

She’s been through a lot."

Tough ride So what are their favourite plotlines? "Being told I was the father of a child was pretty exciting, especially as it was later revealed that the child never existed in the first place", enthuses Rob. For Katie it seems more difficult to decide: "Nicki’s had a surrogacy deal, but later decided that she wanted the baby, which led to the discovery that she had cancer, and her baby’s been kidnapped for good measure. It’s all part of an ongoing saga so I’d have to say all of the above!"

Happy ending

Twists and turns

It is fair to say that most of the show’s previous characters have come to a sticky end, with only two of the original characters, Gareth and Nicki, remaining. Just as well that Woodville Road has always been desirable among aspiring soap stars. "I saw the article in the gair rhydd," says Rob Brown, who plays Gareth. "I auditioned because I though it sounded a bit different to all the usual extra-curricular stuff and was

As eventful as Gareth and Nicki’s time at university has been, it’s important not to let the past characters disappear into insignificance, as they all add something to the show’s unique style. The plotlines have become increasingly inventive, with Josh being the unfortunate victim of a hit and run, and the evil Kate (Emily Dicks) being hounded out of the house by Nicki.

One of the show’s most memorable

What’s the frequency, Cardiff?

By Heather Casey Media Reporter

X

press Radio, usually found at www.xpressradio.co.uk, hits FM frequency from 4 March at its new home 87.7FM. Events are all around at the start of the quality broadcast, which kicked off with a Carnival Party in Seren Las last Thursday. To mark the official switch on at midnight, Xpress Radio members took over the dance floor at Fat Friday in celebration.

Still to come this broadcast is the chance to win an Xpress Radio houseparty. In association with Jack Daniels, we're giving you the chance to party hard with various DJs, bands and beverages... on one condition.You provide the venue! What a way to put your house, whether it be Cathays, Roath or even Splott, on the map, live on FM broadcast acrosss Cardiff and on the Web! Keep listening for more details.

During the day, Xpress Radio's diverse playlist is presented alongside student news, views and entertainment with the Mainstream team.

In the evening we showcase the varied cutting-edge tastes of our Specialist DJs with shows such as Big Night In, 'The Home of Live Music on

Xpress Radio,’ on every Tuesday 78pm. We load the airwaves with a wealth of unsigned and new music from Cardiff.

Other reasons to catch the second FM broadcast of the year are the Speech Based programming's 'training with' specials. Every Thursday at 6.30pm you have the opportunity to train with a different athletic club, from the Women’s Cardiff University Rugby Club to the Funky Ass Disco Dancing, and all from the comfort of your own home! ‘Enders will look tame alongside everyone’s favourite student radio soap Woodville Road.

As if that wasn't enough, Hardcore producers, DJs and the Head of Specialist Music Emily Dicks are holding an all night Xtravaganzer as Xpress Radio broadcasts through the night this Saturday!

Also to come is another of Xpress Radio's acoustic nights! Held in the Taf with sponsorship from Jack Daniels on Tuesday 8 March. The evening will kick off at 9pm, hosted

by Xpress Radio's Specialist DJ's and free to anyone with a valid NUS card.

The line-up includes Lear and The Beggars and highlights the quality talent Xpress Radio supports and promotes from in and around Cardiff.

stories was the mystery surrounding Jamie’s shooting. It was later revealed that Francesca shot Jamie to get revenge, as he had previously raped her. Will, now a celebrity singer, seems to be the only housemate who has escaped relatively unscathed.

Dramatic exit But who is the mastermind behind the social debauchery that is Woodville Road? None other than Issy Taylor and Justin Jeffreys, who co-created the show in 2003. Issy Taylor has gone on to work as a journalist at BBC Radio Cornwall, leaving Justin the sole responsibility of writing, editing and producing the show. Clearly this has taken up a large chunk of Justin’s time at university, and has taken a lot of hard work. So how does Justin feel about the show ending? "It’s been a rewarding three years, but I think that Woodville Road is ending at just the right time." Justin adds: "We’ve done just about everything possible within

the realms of plausible belief." But Justin is determined not to spoil the ending for his many avid listeners.

"All I’ll say is that it’s a real shocker, with plenty of twists and turns. We’re not leaving anything open-ended; all of the secrets and dilemmas get resolved in the final episode."

He may be reluctant to give anything away, but Justin has given us a taster of what is to come in the events leading up to the finale. He promises a blossoming relationship between Alex and Francesca (Kim McCarthy), a hostage situation, the dramatic exit of Viv, Charlotte’s lurid descent into the underworld of gambling and prostitution, the discovery that lovers Charlotte and Alex are actually brother and sister, and another shooting.

Woodville Road is usually aired only in the Union and on the internet.

But as Xpress radio has just begun its two week stint across the airwaves (87.7FM), the exciting climax will unravel itself during five half-hour

episodes and a forty-five minute finale, to be aired on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 6:30pm.

Six half-hour episodes have already aired on the internet, so, if you’ve missed that, be sure not to miss the finale. This promises to be revelations galore, and to leave its audience gasping in shock.

Sorely missed?

As the soap’s ending coincides with Justin’s final year in Cardiff, there is no word as yet on a replacement soap opera at Xpress Radio. But then Woodville Road is one of a kind, and, let’s face it, there’s not many storylines left that Justin hasn’t thought up. Any soap opera that follows it will certainly have a hard act to follow, especially considering that it is unique among student radio stations.

Its sinister soundtrack, cutting putdowns and outrageous storylines will definitely be missed when walking through the Students’ Union.

Media

March 7 2005

Page 27

media@gairrhydd.co.uk

Meet the Fockers

DJs

Tim Vizard & Ben Clarke

Tim & Ben: Unplanned

Course & Year: Tim, 2nd Year Communication. Ben, 2nd Year Language & Communication.

Show Details: Have nothing to do between 1-3pm Monday through Friday?

Then get a job you lazy st*d**t ... or better still why not listen to Tim and Ben: Unplanned. What have you got to loose?

[The answer is time].

Work Experience: Tim - Hospital Radio, Newton Abbot ( Devon) Future Plans: The lads have 5 shows a week and along with their producer Adam, have a mild case of cabin fever!

Entering for best mainstream show in this years Cardiff Media Awards.

Tim has just been elected as Head of Mainstream for 05/06.

Greg Shepherd

Xpress Radio Technical Team Head

Course & Year: 3rd Year, Electronic Engineering Whats the department about?: Fixing the equipment in the office & Studios, Oversee the transmission and outside broadcasts, Record guest bands that come into Xpress Radio.

Work Experience: Worked with the technical departments of Theatres. Greg has also helps gair rhydd with their tech glitches.

Future Plans: Award Category wise, enter for best innovation. In the grander scheme of things, doing Radio tech work.

"Quote": From Laura Wotton ( Media Relations) " Go home, Greg!”

Amira Hashish Like a Glove Ben Wright Hamish Bailey Course & Year: Ben,2nd year Law & Politics, Hamish ,2nd year Business Management.

Details: Like a Glove - the only show on Xpress Radio which tries to get into the record books every week! Can Hamish do it during this broadcast - whether it be for cream cracker eating, handcuff escaping or lion taming, listen live Thursdays + Fridays, 3 till 4.30!

Work Experience: Hamish is hoping to get some experience this summer at Lizard King records.

Ben has worked within his MP’s constituency office in london ( and saw Patrick Steward from Star Trek! ) Future Plans: Entering best mainstream show, and best newcomer at the Cardiff Media Awards.

Hamish – has just been elected as Head of Music for 05/06 and wants to eventually get working in the music industry.

The Lowdown

Course and Year: 1st Year English Lit. with Journalism as a subsidiary Show: The Lowdown - 15:00 - 16:30 Details: Info, gossip and fun.

Mainstream music from the Xpress playlist Work Experience: Written for national magazines, and South Wales Evening Post, Radio experience with BBC Wales and The Wave.

Future Plans: Always wanted to be a journalist of some kind - I’ll take any options that come my way. I definitely love talking and writing, so if you can make a living out of that, then - why not?

Adele Dwyer Course and Year: 3rd year Journalism, Film and Broadcasting Show: The Lowdown, with co-presenter Amira Hashish Details: Fun, chatty gossip, band talk and union issues.

Work Experience: Part-time road-runner for Red Dragon FM.

Xpress 87.7

Radio FM

Free Stuff

March 7 2005

Page 29

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

The King Sings Again NOT ONLY is his career back in full swing, with all those number ones he has had of late, but Elvis has also arisen from his grave to present us lucky souls with his own homemade bread.

If you found ‘Love Me Tender’ a bit on the cheesy side, I’m afraid to inform you that Elvis’s new look is even cheesier. When he set out to discover what our favourite toastie fillings were he discovered many a weird concoction, ranging from Mars bars to hundreds and thousands to spaghetti hoops and maple syrup, but good old reliable cheddar came on top. So, he sent his little helpers (due to delusions of grandeur ‘The King’ began to believe he was Father Christmas) to hand out cheese toasties to you lucky mites trundling though our mighty fine union. I hope you got wind of it and managed to grab yourself a free bit of tucker. It seems I’m now Australian, how did that happen?

All that Neighbours - the things it does to a girl’s voice/general writing style.

I digress. To continue his generosity, Elvis has sent a toastie maker to my little self here at grab! As much as I am enjoying my Mars bar toasties I believe it is time to pass on my wealth to you wondrous lot.

For a chance to get your dirty hands on a free toastie maker all you have to do is answer the question below.

Email your answer, along with your name, address and postcode to: getrealtoastie@hotmail.com Which toastie filling did ‘The King’ find to be the most popular among students?

Good luck, my cherubs.

Superchumbo ANOTHER WONDERFUL competition for all you crazy dance fans out there, courtesy of the lovely lads at Superchunk.

Although I must warn you; do not proceed to read this article if you are easily offended by dirty funky tribal beats. Do not continue if you do not want to witness another first for Wales. If seeing the world’s best underground DJs is not for you, then please, slowly and carefully close your copy of gair rhydd, put it to one side and step away. I have been informed that this is not for the faint hearted.

On March 11, Superchunk will proudly present another first for Wales. Hailing from New York and bringing his unique underground sound to Cardiff, the man behind club stompers ‘The Revolution’, ‘This Beat Is’, ‘Dirty Filthy’ and the critically acclaimed ‘These Beats are….’, Tom Stephan, AKA Superchumbo, will be giving a three hour set for all you crazy fans out there.

Tom is set to make his Welsh debut at one of Cardiff’s newest promotions and this is one of the

last times you can catch him play before he flies out to Miami for the Winter Music Conference.

Backed up by Andy Howells, the Tiny Twins and the Chunk Brothers, this is sure to be an absolute belter of a night.

In the Gate House this month we have our residents Jean Jacques Smoothie and Fixed Rate. Their guest for this evening will be Root Down.

If any of these amazing acts take your fancy, check out The Union Nightclub, Churchill Way, Cardiff between 10pm - 4am on March 11.

Tickets are priced at just £10 and are available from www.ticketweb.co.uk. There is a limited number available but there will be more on the door.

Then again, who needs to bother spending any money? You can win yourself a free pair of tickets right here. All you have to do is answer this stupidly easy question and email the answer to me.

I’m so generous, I don’t know why everybody doesn’t love me.

Although I seem to have a hell of a lot more friends since I started this little venture known as grab!

Quite a coincidence, don’t you think?

Where will Tom Stephan be flying to for the Winter Music Conference when he finishes playing Cardiff?

Terms & Conditions: 1. The competition is only open to UK residents/undergraduates of Cardiff University aged 18 years or over, excluding employees of the Promoter, gair rhydd and their agencies, and their immediate families. Only one entry per person. No purchase necessary.

2. There is one first prize of a Cookworks 2 Slice Chrome Sandwich Toaster. In the event that such a prize is not available for whatever reason, an alternative prize of equivalent value and quality will be substituted. No cash alternative.

3. The winner will be the person who has answered the question correctly and (in the event of there being two or more correct entries) is the first correct entry selected at random after the closing date for entries.

4. The closing date for receipt of entries is Monday 21st March.

5. Winners will be notified by email by Wednesday 23rd March.

6. For full terms and conditions please send an email stating your university to Lindsay.Sharman@campusgroup.co.uk

And the winner is...

A HUGE congrats to Jessica Wright, who has got her mitts on some Miss Selfridge vouchers. Also to Rodger Faires, who has won himself a Foolin’ Around board game. Have fun with that one. I will contact you when your prizes are ready.

You all know the drill by now. If you fancy any of the prizes on my fair page, all you have to do is email the address above or pop a little note in my pigeon hole on the fourth floor of the Union.

If you have any prize enquiries, don’t hesitate to contact me on the address above. I am weaving my magic and you lucky winners will all receive your prizes soon. Good luck, ladies and gents.

Get a First Class degree here NOW, WHILE you’re all busy having the time of your life at Superchunk and eating mountains of cheese toasties, there is this little thing known as your degree to consider. I have the perfect thing for anybody who wants to do really well in their degree, with minimal effort.

You see, only ten per-cent of students actually get a First Class degree. How are you going to make sure you happen to be one of that minute percentage?

Hard work does help, but it’s far from a guarantee.

And, well, it’s kind of, hard work. So what is the alternative?

What you need is a strategy. The kind of strategy that saves you a lot of the hard slog, gives you time to go out with your mates in the evenings, and still gets you a top degree at the end of the course. And luckily for you, just such a strategy has now been devised.

Mark Black was an average student getting average grades. He took a law degree and earned a 2:2.

Perfectly respectable but nothing special. Then, at the age of 22, he decided to take an MBA. When he realised he was ten years younger than almost everyone on the course he could see he was headed for humiliation. In order to avoid this he developed a strategy to keep him in the running. To his surprise, his strategy did better than that; it put him top of his course at the end of the first term. He honed his approach and, by the end of the next term, he had extended his lead. After his final term and his dissertation, he finished top of his course with a Distinction (equivalent to a First).

Rather than keep the secret to himself, Mark reveals his successful strategy in The Insider’s Guide

to Getting A First (or avoiding a Third). It involves less work than you might think (it even leaves time to get plastered a couple of nights a week), and you can admit to quite a lot of it in front of your parents (though perhaps not all of it). Best not tell your dissertation tutor though.

This fabulous, fabulous, miracle of a book will be out in paperback on March 28 priced at £5.99. So get down to your local WHSmith now and order yourself a copy of The Insider’s Guide to Getting a First (Or avoiding a Third) to guarantee yourself academic success.

Or you could answer this easy question and win yourself one of three copies of the book I have managed to get my paws on. If you fancy checking out if the book is any good, hit Quench’s Books section for a great review.

What did Mark Black get for his law degree? Enter in the usual way and look forward to your First Class honours on graduation day.

Award-Winning Television

March 7 2005

Page 31

shalliputmyhandup@sillygirl.com

This week’s gulp from the TV font March 7 - March 13

Gags, sickbags, rags, fags, blags, nags and, erm, Plato That’ll be every pick in rhyming form then...voila!

HOT

DOVES Not just a lovely bird (let’s face it there isn’t much competition) but a super band. Soon to be interviewed by TV Desk’s very own Kitty Empire, TV Katie.

NOTE: Doves also found land for Noah, which is a massively good thing.

SOAPS There’s still murder in the air in Corrie as Katy and her Mum plan to get away with murder (literally-ho ho). It’s at this point that we should sit back and feel sorry for the ailing degenerate half-wits over at BBC’s Eastenders, as they once again get harrumphed in the ratings by the team at Granada. On another, completely unrelated, note – this week sees Emmerdale’s Steph trying to build bridges with Shelly and alan.

But to no avail. Poor girl.

Meanwhile in the land of the Neighbours, Christmas is a-coming, would you believe it. After what must be more than a 10-year period without festive fancies, Erinsborough is celebrating the birth of Christ. TV Katie was elated last week when Boyd appeared in a vest but was crushed upon discovering he is but 17 years old...Still legal I guess, phew.

Ho ho ho ho hardy hardy ho ho. It’s that time of year again (yes, I know it’s bi-annually so stick your corrections up your uterus – that goes for you too boys) COMIC RELIEF!!!.

Wahey, the greats and good of British television (and the Vicar of Dibley) get their ya-yas out to make a bit of money for charidee. ‘Cos that’s what it’s all about isn’t it, not the pleasure we all take from i n t e r e s t i n g L i t t l e Britain/Blockbusters/Bruce’s Price is Right hybrids. Anyway, some ‘highlights’ in this year’s show include Lenny Henry meeting kids in Africa, Lenny Henry getting gunged by ertswhile TV Desk star Dave Benson Phillips, and Lenny Henry snogging Hollywood star Tom Sizemore.

TV Manners here, and after last week’s slanderous comments from TV Willy, I’ve decided to ignore the Comic Relief theme of this week’s TV Guide. My first teacher orientated pick of the week is Jamie’s School Dinners (Wednesday, C4, 9pm) merely for the pleasure of seeing the shit that people eat. And also because I love school. My second teacher pick of the week is GCSE BItesize: Philosophy And Ethics (Thursday, BBC2, 2am). If people mock my position in society then I will simply continue with my educational picks every week. You never know, you might actually learn something.

Hullo, TV Katie here with my picks for the week. An underestimated British gentle-

TV Katie’s guide to Life Given the general lack of caring with respect to the atrocities that get aired weekly on digital channgels, I took it upon myself to cancel this weeks round-up of shit and provide you with an indespensable guide to life.

Part One: Eat Your Greens, you never know when you might next need to shit fibre.

Watch TV, this is a fundamental part of our lives, obey the law.

Wear an oven glove.

Eat custard for a happy belly.

Carry a hankie in case a sneezing fit takes over.

Watch Desperate Housewives religiously, because everyone else is.

Leave the toilet seat down.

Get closer with minty fresh breath and a Hanson CD Buy the Arcade Fire album Visit MVC Never visit the school TV Manners works at: you will die.

Wear sunscreen.

man has to be Mr Fred Dibnah (Fred Dibnah’s Made in Britain, Tues, BBC2, 8.30pm). The easy-going charm of the Bolton-born steeplejack endeared him to millions across the UK. In this series, filmed just before his death last year, he embarks on an epic journey around the country in his 1912 Aveling and Porter steam traction engine. He’d been lovingly restoring it for over 20 years and by the end of the first episode he’d only just pulled out of his driveway. You couldn’t make this up, you really couldn’t. Legendary status please to our treasured Freddie.

Next is a film that is now 10 years of age (yikes) and undoubedly dated in its computer technology.

Nonetheless, Hackers, Thursday, five, 8pm is a memorable thriller starring Jonny Lee Miller and Angelina Jolie. Not as good as the awesome Lynda La Plante series Killer Net (god that was good) but worth a look all the same.

Thirdly, but not fourthly is the only thing worth getting up for on a Sunday morning, Popworld (C4, Sun, 9.25am) with the ridiculously funny Simon Amstell. He never fails to make me piss with his caraaaazeee interviewing tactics and cutting remarks about bands being wank. Put this man on primetime! Lastly you red-nosed monkeys, how about Talk to Michael Howard (Thurs, 7pm, five)? Reckon he’s about the least eloquent politician I’ve ever seen.

Make up your own minds. Bye! xxxxxxxxxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY

V ALIEN VS PREDATOR: out on Monday. Buy it from MVC, where TV John with give you delectable service with a smile.

NOT

PIGEONS One of TV Willy’s biggest fears (John’s being dogs). Pigeons are THE most disgusting creatures on the planet, even moreso than Linda Barker.

They’re so bad we now love Shaun Ryder (see the last scene of 24 Hour Party People).

MUSIC My head nearly exploded when I read that Talking Heads frontman David Byrne’s gig at the Union Chapel was going to be shown on BBC2 (Friday-late). Watchable simply because Byrne (despite some reports of him being a bitof-a-cunt) is the best stage performer since Jesus.

FILMS To kick off the films this week, you cannot afford to miss The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Tuesday, C4, 12.05am) because it’s a classic of it’s time (a real one, not like 2001: A Space Oddessy). My second pick is Kids (Thursday, C4, 12.40am. I haven’t seen it but I’m assured it’s a modern classic. One to watch then.

RADIO Radio: Elvis Costello once sang, "Radio, radio", and he wasn’t half right.

Indeed, this week sees the launch of our own X-press Radio.

Featuring some decent music, Cardiff Students (a good thing?) and Paul "stonking" Dicken, Xpress is only on for a few weeks of the year so treasure it while you can – like a lost Aunt who’s just been found, but only has a few weeks to live because she has a flesh-eating disease. So, that’s 87.7FM guys! If you don’t fancy the whole Xpress thing (but really you should, because it’s great), then tune your dials into Book at Bedtime: A Short History of Tractors in Ukranian (Monday, BbC Radio 4, 10.45pm). By listening to this modern day work of art, you’ll realise Xpress worth listening to.

My pick of the broadcast, Vibrance (Sundays, 6.30pm).

Monday

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March 7 - 13 2005

doyleturnsdownfemale@it’snotyourmother.com

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Chris Moyles Red Nose Rally 21.00 Vote for Laurence Llewellen-Bowen? Dallaglio? of Arabia? If you don’t tell us, we can’t vote. Vote in the student elections instead.

22.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy I have no interest in today’s programmes on BBC Three (unlike most weeks), and don’t intend on pretending I do.

Therefore I shall talk about something else, and in my current state of desperate hunger, today’s topic will be food. Yum. At home we have the most amazing, heavenly chocolate mess, full of brownie, white chocolate mousse, maltesers and chocolate sauce. YUM. And I’m up in this office, slaving away....ho hum.

22.30 EastEnders 23.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 23.30 Destination Three 23.35 Little Britain 24.10 Farscape 01.00 God, the Devil and Bob 01.30 Burn It 02.05 Vote for Laurence 03.00 The Bachelor 04.00 Close

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 3rd Rock from the Sun. 9.55 3rd Rock from the Sun. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.15 Judge Judy.

12.30 Coronation Street. 1.00 Emmerdale. Viv makes her move - but is knocked back by her unsuspecting target. Sadie is disappointed when Jimmy looks like he's back on top. Eric hits on an idea that he hopes will make him a killing. Buying a gun. 1.30 Emmerdale. 2.00 Trisha. 3.05 Trisha. 4.10 The John Walsh Show. 5.00 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy.

7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. Alien Hunter 7.30 3rd Rock from the Sun. 8.00 Planet's Funniest Animals.

8.30 House of Horrors. 9.00 FILM: Unbreakable. (2000, Thriller) 11.05 Coronation Street. 11.35 Coronation Street.0.05 3rd Rock from the Sun. 0.30 3rd Rock from the Sun. Dick vs Strudwick 1.00 F1: Australian Grand Prix.1.50 Champions League Weekly.

2.15 Late Show with David Letterman. 3.05 Teleshopping.

5.05 ITV2 Nightscreen. 5.10 Late Show with David Letterman.

19.00 Broadway: The American Musical (I Got Plenty of Nuttin') Fnarr.

20.00 The World 20.30 The Sky at Night 21.00 Mind Games 21.30 Bill Deedes Talks to Mark Lawson Noooo? Getaway!

Shit, really? I never thought this interview would happen man!

Wow! They’re two of my absolute favourite people! Really!

22.00 Broadway: The American Musical Fnarr.

23.00 Film: "Swing Time" (1936, Musical Comedy) 24.40 Bill Deedes Talks to Mark Lawson Shit, they’re repeating it!

Awesome, I’m so gonna watch this again!

01.10 The Sky at Night 01.40 Mind Games 02.10 Broadway: The American Musical (I Got Plenty of Nuttin') Fucking fnarr, how many times do you need to show one wank-stained programme? Answer: three, when you’re the Godawful fucking piss-take of a channel that is BBC Four. 03.10 The Sky at Night 03.40 Mind Games 04.10 Close

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6:10am The Hoobs: Stories 6:35am The Hoobs: Fly Away 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am The King of Queens 8:55am Will and Grace 9:20am 3-Minute Wonder 9:25am 3-Minute Wonder 9:30am Bricking It 10:20am From the Top 10:45am Tate Modern 10:50am Design for Life 11:05am National Gallery 11:10am Working Week 11:35am World of Difference 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm Exposed: Schools 12:40pm The Astonished Heart 2:15pm A Place by the Sea 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm House Auction 4:30pm Coach Trip 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks Max decides to raise money for Comic Relief, so O.B's stock will be useful after all: they'll sell home-made Hollynoses! Russell is in pain after his operation, but still has an anxious wait for the results of the CAT scan.

Of course he’s in pain, he’s had a bollock off.

7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm Let ‘Em All In 9:00pm Extraordinary Families: The Seven Wives of Alexander Spencer 10:00pm ER: Twas the Night 11:05pm Banned in the UK (We wish) Kilroy-Silk, Burberry, Doyle, Big Words (TV Manners), Grass (News Doyle), The Labour Party and the unfair and false masculinity of the word ‘Kingdom’ (Opinion-Alys), ITV and Jonathan Ross (TV Will).

12:05am The Idiots 2:10am World Cup Skiing 4:00am 4Learning 6:00am Close

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6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News 7.00 GMTV Today 9.25 Trisha.

10.30 This Morning. 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.00 Everything Must Go. 2.00 I Want That House Revisited. 2.30 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Thomas and Friends. Squeak, Rattle and Roll 3.25 Fun Song Factory. 3.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series. 3.45 SpongeBob SquarePants. I Was a Teenage Gary. Warts-and-all episode devoted to Editor Gary’s life at home in Devonia. Follow him to the train station, watch him spotting the C353-2 to Newcastle, catch him buying his first porn mag, and watch in awe as he meets Snakey for the first time. 4.00 Atomic Betty. 4.25 My Parents Are Aliens. 5.00 Today with Des and Mel. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald.

8.30 Coronation Street.

9.00 Wire in the Blood.

Nothing but the Night 10.30 ITV News.

11.00 On the Edge.

11.30 Never to be Forgotten.

0.05 Champions League Weekly. 0.30 Kylie Minogue in Profile. 0.55 Trisha. Boot Camp - Did My Son Survive? No, he was mauled by a Burburry-wearing lout called Wayne. 1.50 Today with Des and Mel. 2.40 Moving Day. 3.05 Entertainment Now! 3.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald.

4.00 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

Faith in the Future ITV3 all f-ing day

2:00pm WIthout a Trace: Shadows 3:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends Some sitcom about a group of thirtysomethings. They say it’s gonna be big. You heard it here first. 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10:00pm Fool Around...With Jodie Marsh Yikes, do I have to? Are blindfolds provided? 10:30pm Nathan Barley 11:00pm Queer As Folk Folk are queer aren’t they? 12:05am Smallville 12:55am The Sopranos 2:00am Without a Trace 2:45am Nathan Barley 3:15am Fool Around...With Jodie Marsh 3:45am Close Ingredients of a Sutherland Tuna & Cucumber sandwich: Malted bread, Tuna (32%), Cucumber (14%), Seasoned Mayonnaise (4%), Butter, Salt, Emulsifier. Although every care has been taken to remove all bones, some small bones may remain.

06.00 Softies 06.05 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.30 Franny's Feet 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Sailor Sid 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Old Bear Storie s 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Elmo's World 08.45 Aussie Antics 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.00 Film: "To Love, Honor and Betray" (1999, Drama) 11.50 Th e Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1. 00 Family Affairs 1..35 BrainTeaser 2. 35 Trisha Goddard 3. 40 Film: "Hanging Up" (2000, Drama) 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.15 Hollywood's Greatest Comedy Special Effects 8.00 Megastructures 9.00 John Cleese's Comedy Heroes 10.00 When Camilla Met the Princes 11.05 Joey 11.35 That's So Last Week Eastenders (everyone knows Corrie is the one to watch nowadays), Jamie Oliver (‘nuff said), Franz-style skinny ties and winklepickers (ugh), baguettes (bagels are the way forward), Ramones Cafe (Sherman Theatre all the way for lush breakfast without the grease and hair), Clwb Ifor Bach (stupid queues for empty top floor Metros next time), Issue 781 of gair rhydd (sooo last week dahling.) 12.05 Celebrities Uncensored 12..30 Alias 01.15 NBA Action 01.40 Now Is the Tim e: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 02.30 US PGA Golf 03.20 FIM W orld Supercross Round 10 Atlanta 04.10 Motorsport Mundial 04.35 Argentinian Football (Boca Juniors v Olimpo)

029 229977

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Everything Must Go ITV1 1pm

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6:00am: CBBC: Little Bear.

6:25 The Silver Brumby. 6:50 Metalheads. 7:15 Eureka TV. 7:30 Looney Tunes. 7:40 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy.

7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Bobinogs. 8:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox. 8:45 The Koala Brothers. 9:00 Tweenies. 9:20 Razzledazzle. 9:40 Fimbles.

10:00 Fireman Sam. 10:10 Andy Pandy. 10:15 64 Zoo Lane. 10:30 English Express.

Texts - Techno Tales. 10:50 English Express. Texts - Magic.

11:10 English Express. Texts Football Stories. 11:30 English Express. 11:50 English Express. 12:10pm: Revisewise Shorts. 12:20 Trade Secrets.

12:30 Working Lunch. 1:00 Watch. Barnaby Bear - Tocuaro: A Mexican Village. 1:15 Watch.

Toys with Magic Grandad: 1870s Toys. 1:30 The Flying Gardener. 1:45 Feather Your Nest. 2:30 The Sand Marathon.

3:00 Castle in the Country.

3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Comic Relief in da Bungalow.

6:30 Masterchef Goes Large.

7:00 London.

7:50 Dear Television.

8:00 Rick Stein's Food Heroes: Another Helping.

8:30 University Challenge.

9:00 Around the World in 80 Treasures.

10:00 Look around You. 10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 Mary Seacole: A Hidden History. 11:50 BBC Four on BBC Two: Ebony Towers 1:00am: BBC Learning Zone: Italian Journey Parts 1 and 2.

3:00 Make Italian Your Business. 5:00 Eurografters: Italy. 5:30 Talk the Talk

P R I M E T I M E

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6:00am: Breakfast. 9:30 Jeremy Vine Meets Jeremy Irons. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Bargain Hunt.

12:15pm: Cash in the Attic.

1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather.

1:40 Neighbours. Stuart and Sindi want to tell Toadie about their affair. Stingray and Lana have some risky Christmas fun.

Serena tries to repair the damage she has created. Argh, she didn’t get to roll around with The Boyd. Next in line...TV Katie.

2:05 Doctors. 3:05 Animal Park. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog. 3:40 CBBC: Stuart Little.

4:00 Looney Tunes. 4:05 The Scooby-Doo Show. 4:30 Comic Relief in da Bungalow. 5:00 Blue Peter. 5:25 Newsround.

5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News.

6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Holiday 2005.

7:30 Inside Out. 8:00 EastEnders.

8:30 Ground Force.

9:00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy.

10:00 BBC News.

10:30 Regional News 10:35 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy. 11:00 Comedy Connections.11:30 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross.

12:00am: FILM: Cat People.

(1982) Mental film about a woman who becomes a cat whenever she has sex. Her brother has the same problem so they embark on a filthy incestuous relationship. Shudder.

Miaow. 2:00 Sign Zone: Natural World. 2:50 Sign Zone: Seaside Rescue. 3:20 Sign Zone: Horizon. 4:10 Sign Zone: We've Got the Builders In. 4:40 Joins BBC News 24.

Atomic Betty ITV1 4pm

PRIMETIME

Feather Your Nest BBC2 1.45pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6.00 Peak Practice. 6.55 The Darling Buds of May. 7.50 Film File. Hamsters, hamsters, hamsters, hamsters, hamsters, gerbils.

8.00 Faith in the Future. 8.25 Faith in the Future.

8.55 Film File. No inspiration.

9.05 Chicago Hope.

9.55 LA Law. Vowel Play Nothing. 10.55 The Practice.

11.50 Faith in the Future.

12.20 Faith in the Future.

Absolutely nothing at all. 12.50 Film File. 1.00 Chicago Hope.

Nope. 1.55 LA Law. 2.55 The Practice. Still nothing. 3.50 The Darling Buds of May. Dum de dum do de do. 4.55 Peak Practice. 5.55 LA Law. Ah ha!

An idea...6.55 The Darling Buds of May. 8.00 Agatha Christie's Poirot. Nope, lost it. Sorry. 9.00 Hack. 10.00 Inspector Morse.

Ooh, ooh...nope. 1.05 Chicago Hope. 2.00 The Practice. 2.55 Teleshopping. 5.55 ITV3 Nightscreen. I met a guy in Welsh Club on Wednesday who claimed he was singing one of the UK’s entries in Eurovision.

He sang me the song and everything. I believe him. Only time will tell...

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 229977

Tuesday

March 7 - 13 2005

Page 33

TVpages@morereadersthanopinion.co.uk

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Chris Moyles Red Nose Rally 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 21.30 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 22.00 EastEnders Conflict in the Vic proves that Chrissie is finding life difficult to deal with. Pat tries to muster support for Andy's funeral while Sasha begins to have doubts about her relationship with Adi. 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 23.30 Destination Three 23.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.10 Farscape 01.00 God, the Devil and Bob 01.30 Burn It 02.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.35 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman Anyone?

No? 03.05 The Brothel 03.35 The Brothel 04.05 Close Two of the guys up for Gary’s job next year are chasing each other around the office, throwing water bottles at each other and then hitting each other with them.

Hmmm, which child do we want to take over next year? It’s a tough one.

2:00pm Without a Trace 3:00pm Smallville 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks Max decides to raise money for Comic Relief, so O.B's stock will be useful after all: they'll sell home-made Hollynoses! Becca is suspicious of Jake. Russell is in pain after his operation, but still has an anxious wait for the results of the CAT scan. And is annoyed when Darren stands him up for their session at the gym, because the run isn't far away. 5:00pmFriends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Smallville 7:00pmHollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pmFriends 8:30pmFriends 9:00pm THE O.C Rock group Modest Mouse performs Paper Thin Walls at the Bait Shop. Seth is becoming increasingly perfect every episode, I think I’m in love.

10:00pmFool Around…with Jodie Marsh 10:30pm Bo’ Selecta 11:00pm Shameless: Christmas Special 12:30am Curb Your Enthusiasm 1:05am THE O.C 2:00am WITHOUT A TRACE: Two Families 2:45am Bo’ Selecta!

3:10am Curb Your Enthusiasm 3:50am Close

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06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy throws down the gauntlet and invites all his special friends for a huge party bash in toyland.

The cast of My Little Pony and the Care Bears join in to really get the entertainment going.

The merriment continues long into the night and everyone invited has a thoroughly enjoyable evening. 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life That of TV Desk 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.05 five news update 13.10 The Chart 13.40 Pop City Live 17.40 FILM: The Parent Trap With Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson.

(Comedy, 1998) *** 20.00 Britain's Worst...

Mother-in-Law The moral of this fantastic insight into the life of another worthwhile human being is to never judge a mother by her cover. She’s really a lovely person but so misunderstood. I’d love to meet her and gain valuable life experience from the depths of her knowledge.

21.00 FILM: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines With Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nick Stahl. (Science Fiction, 2003) *** 23.05 He's Back... The Terminator Story 00.10 Seniors Golf: San Remo Masters 01.00 NFL Live: New England Patriots v Buffalo Bills 04.45 Argentinian Football

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19.00 Mediterranean Tales 19.10 Civilisation (The Hero as Artist) 20.00 The World 20.30 Bread of Heaven with Huw Edwards Huw Edwards tells the extraordinary story of the religious fervour led by Evan Roberts in Wales in 1904, and explores the waning of faith soon afterwards. The poor, poor man. My faith is waning just reading the story.

21.00 Europe: A Natural History (Modern Times) 21.50 Cast and Crew Reuniting the cast and crew of Brideshead Revisited.

Guests include Jeremy Irons, Anthony Andrews, Diana Quick, Phoebe Nicholls, Nickolas Grace, Derek Granger and Jane Robinson. Wank, absolute wank.

22.30 The Desk 23.00 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise 23.30 Last Roar of the Taiga 24.30 Europe: A Natural History 01.20 Cast and Crew See above for description of explicit wankness. 02.00 Proms on Four 2004 (Elgar's Third Symphony) 04.25 Close If you see one film this month, go see The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

6:00am Insektors 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30amFriends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Coach Trip 8:55am Will & Grace 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder: Subverting the City 9:30am Bricking It TV Katie, eight weeks until exams and still not getting 2:1s.

10:20am From the Top: Bruce Oldfield 10:45am Winning the Mine Game 11:10am Health and Social Care The most overrated GNVQ ever, which blatantly is NOT the equivalent of two A levels. Projects about smoking and drinking, information taken straight from a textbook does not constitute intelligent work.

Breathe. 11:35am World of Difference: Cambodia 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm Exposed: Graduations 12:40pm Nurses on Wheels 2:15pmA Place By The Sea 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pmHouse Auction 4:30pm Coach Trip 5:00pmRichard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons No surprises when this came at no1 of Top 100 cartoons on C4 last week. But where was Bagpuss and Henri’s Cat? 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm3 Minute Wonder 8:00pmLocation, Location, Location 8:30pm Nigel’s Place in France 9:00pm Brat Camp: What Happened Next?

10:00pm Shameless Ah this is so good, do watch.

11:05pmBanned in the UK 12:05amThe Texas Chain Saw Massacre 1:45amMonsters Torture: American’s Possesions 3:00amDispatches: Confessions of a parking attendant 3:50am Grudge Match 4:00am 4Learning

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6.00 GMTV2.

9.25 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote.

10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael.

11.15 Judge Judy. 12.30 Coronation Street. 1.00 Emmerdale. As Paddy struggles to avoid temptation, Emily grows increasingly suspicious that something is going on. Shelly hopes her troubles with Steph are over as she makes plans for her future with Alan. Sadie is hurt when Jimmy snubs her.

1.30 Airline. 2.00 Trisha. 3.05 Trisha. 4.10 The John Walsh Show. 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 Champions League Live. AC Milan v Manchester United 10.00 FILM: Leon. (1994, Thriller) (Widescreen) Quality film with Jean Reno, Gary Oldman and Natalie Portman.

About a hit man who saves a 12-year-old girl from a murderous gang of corrupt cops in New York City. 0.05 The Frank Skinner Show. Chris Tarrant, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Alison Moyet.

0.55 Late Show with David Letterman. 1.50 The John Walsh Show.2.30 Teleshopping.

4.30 ITV2 Nightscreen.

Mediterranean Tales BBC4 5pm

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6.00 GMTV News Hour 8.35 LK Today: Lorraine Kelly 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning.

10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.00 Everything Must Go. 2.00 I Want That House Revisited. 2.30 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

3.15 Thomas and Friends. 3.25 Tractor Tom. 3.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series. 3.45 SpongeBob SquarePants.

4.00 Art Attack. 4.25 My Parents Are Aliens. That’s a shame. Mine aren’t. Oooh, my mummy’s coming down on Saturday, woop! I might bring her to see Doves with me. All mums love Doves. But not pigeons.

See TV front page.

5.00 Today with Des and Mel. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Champions League Live. Chelsea v Barcelona 9.45 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders. More less than funny escapades from less than famous celebrities falling over/laughing/crying/sneezing/fill in own hilarious action.

10.30 ITV News.

11.00 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders.

Continued hilarity.

11.30 Champions League Highlights.

0.30 The District. The Project 1.15 Champions League. AC Milan v Manchester United 2.55 Today with Des and Mel. 3.45 Cybernet.

4.10 ITV Nightscreen.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

“The sun is rising”

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am: CBBC: Little Bear.

6:25 The Silver Brumby. 6:50 Metalheads.

7:15 Animal Arc. 7:30 Looney Tunes. 7:40 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Bobinogs. 8:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox. 8:45 The Koala Brothers. 9:00 Tweenies. 9:20 Razzledazzle. 9:40 Fimbles.

10:00 Fireman Sam. 10:10 Andy Pandy. 10:15 64 Zoo Lane.10:30 Starship. Key Stage 1 National Tests Numeracy: Data Handling. 10:50 Words and Pictures Plus. 11:05 Maths Challenge. TV Workout Year 6: 11:20 Trade Secrets. 11:30 The Daily Politics. 12:30pm: Working Lunch. 1:00 Science Clips. 1:10 Science Clips. 1:20 Science Clips. 1:30 The Flying Gardener. 1:45 Feather Your Nest. Ooh err.

2:30 The Sand Marathon. 3:00 Castle in the Country. 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Comic Relief in da Bungalow.

6:30 Masterchef Goes Large.

7:00 The Good Life.

7:30 Nation on Film.

8:00 Mastermind.

History of British Steam Locomotives, the Beach Boys, the History of Exeter and Films Directed by Quentin Tarantino.

8:30 Fred Dibnah's Made in Britain.

9:00 This World: Tiger Traffic.

10:00 Room 101.

10:30 Newsnight.

11:20 Desi DNA. 11:50 FILM: Stealing Beauty.

(1996) 1:45am: Joins BBC News 24.

2:00 BBC Learning Zone. 4:00 ReviseWise at School

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

6:00am: Breakfast. This morning it consisted of a boiled egg with toast due to my inability to ingest milk when hungover.

Tomorrow: back to Cornflakes if I’m warm, porridge if I’m cold.

9:30 Jeremy Vine Meets Amanda Redman. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Bargain Hunt. 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.

Jack spills the beans about Izzy.

Karl prepares for the big day.

Stuart and Sindi struggle to keep their relationship secret.

2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News.

3:25 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog. 3:40 CBBC: Stuart Little. 4:00 Planet Cook. 4:20 New Scooby and Scrappy Show.

4:30 Comic Relief in da Bungalow. 5:00 Serious Arctic.

As opposed to the Comical Artic, always fooling around in the ice. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News.

6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather.

7:00 Watchdog.

7:30 EastEnders.

8:00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy.

9:00 Holby City.

10:00 BBC News.

10:30 Regional News and Weather. 10:35 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy.

10:55 Soldier, Husband, Daughter, Dad. 11:25 FILM: Tactical Assault. (1998) 12:55am: Sign Zone: See Hear.

1:40 Sign Zone: Soldier, Husband, Daughter, Dad. 2:10 Sign Zone: Child of Our Time.

What Are Dads For? Barbeques, football in the park, secret porn collection. 3:10 Joins BBC News 24.

Bricking It C4 9.30am

P R I M E T I M E

What are Dadʼ’s for? Banned in the UK C4 11.05pm BBC1 2.10am

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6.00 Peak Practice. 6.55 Survival. Missing Lynx 7.50 Film File. 8.00 Faith in the Future. Stand by Me 8.30 Rising Damp. As found in 16 Darran Street, Cathays Terrace.

9.00 Chicago Hope. 9.50 LA Law. 10.50 The Practice. 11.45 Film File. 11.55 Faith in the Future.

12.25 Rising Damp. 12.55 Chicago Hope. 1.50 LA Law. 2.50 The Practice. 3.45 Film File. 3.55 Wycliffe.

5.00 Peak Practice. 6.00 LA Law. 7.00 Providence. 8.00 A Touch of Frost. Oh Jesus, what to write, what to write. It’s so much easier when you just copy an old week of TV and then you get to believe that Terminator is on again - woop! 10.00 Wycliffe.

11.05 The Big Easy. 0.05 Chicago Hope. 0.55 The Practice. 1.50 Wycliffe. Happy Families 2.55 Teleshopping.

5.55 ITV3 Nightscreen.

Everyone tune their radios to 87.7FM for Xpress Radio’s two week broadcast. Listen on Friday to get the clues to find the mystery house party address, somewhere in Cathays. Then go to it.

It’ll be great.

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Wednesday

Page 34

March 7 - 13 2005

quencheditor@leftawardinclubtoilet.co.uk

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Chris Moyles Red Nose Rally Chris Moyles and his Radio One team travel from John O'Groats to Lands End to raise as much money as they can for Comic Relief.

19.35 Film: "Red Sonja" Starring Brigitte Nielsen and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Great.

21.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 22.00 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 22.30 Twisted Tales. Fred Elliot, Keith Chegwin and Angela Rippon endulge in a steaming hot-tub 23.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 23.30 Destination Three 23.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.10 Farscape 01.00 God, the Devil and Bob 01.30 Burn It. More Magazine. I wasted 99p on it last night, but at least I now know how to talk to boyz and get the same outfit as Linsey Lohan.

02.05 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 3rd Rock from the Sun. 9.55 3rd Rock from the Sun. 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy. A triple bill. 12.30 Coronation Street.

1.00 Emmerdale. 1.30 Airline.

2.00 Trisha.

3.05 Trisha.

4.10 The John Walsh Show.

5.00 Sally Jessy Raphael...could be related to Angela Lansbury?

5.45 Judge Judy. Another triple bill. I’m starting to consider getting sky purely for the abundence of Judy.7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. 7.30 3rd Rock from the Sun. 8.00 Nanny 911.

9.00 Celebrities Exposed: Big Spenders and Skinflints.

10.00 Coronation Street. 10.30 Desperately Seeking Sheila...Ferguson. The jungle search team continues.

11.30 Fat Friends: make you look thin.0.30 3rd Rock from the Sun. 1.30 Late Show with David Letterman. 2.15 The John Walsh Show 3.00 Teleshopping.

5.00 ITV2 Nightscreen. 5.10 Late Show with David Letterman.

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.00 Everything Must Go. 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt. Today's purchases include a coal scuttle and some Cliff Richard autographs. Am intrigued. Are coal scuttles valuable? Might sell my faberge one. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

3.15 Meg and Mog. 3.20 Thomas and Friends.

3.30 Fun Song Factory. 3.40 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3.50 SpongeBob SquarePants.

SpongeBob contracts the dreaded illness SUDS, and has to tell all his ‘friends’ to get themselves checked out aswell.

4.05 Art Attack. Remember that talking bust? Gay.4.25 My Parents are Aliens. 5.00 Today with Des and Mel. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 The Bill.

9.00 Life Begins. B’jaysus! an ITV drama premiere NOT starring Sarah Lancashire.

10.00 Driving Mum and Dad Mad. 10.30 ITV News.

11.00 Tarrant on TV USA Special.

11.30 Patsy Kensit's Orange Playlist. Featuring Oasis and Simple MInds. 0.05 The Magnificent Seven. Not the film.0.50 cd:uk Hotshots. 1.15 cd:uk. 2.10 World Sport. 2.35 Today with Des and Mel. 3.25 Wheatus in Profile.

Rock’n’Roll’s finest 3.50 Mixmasters. 4.15 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

19.00 Mediterranean Tales 19.10 Civilisation 20.00 The World 20.30 The Desk Fifty quid from MFI 21.00 Before the Flood: Tuvalu 22.00 Beijing Boot Camp 22.30 Death on the Staircase 23.20 Film: "Top Hat" 24.55 Europe: A Natural History 01.45 Beijing Boot Camp 02.15 Before the Flood 03.15 The Desk Tyler Brule presents the show looking at the media, covering topics as diverse as music piracy and TV reality shows.Tyler Brule- what a crazy name.

Wonder if it’s pronounced “brullay? As in ‘creme’.

03.45 Beijing Boot Camp 04.15 Close. Phew. An end to another riveting evening. I’m worried all these late nights are turning me a trifle derranged. I tried to open a bottle of wine with a tin opener the other day, then got in the shower with certain items of clothing still on.

Then I sat down in the wrong seminar and everyone laughed at me.

Zoo Lane BBC2 10.15am

6:00 Animals of the World 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 Coach Trip 8:55 Will and Grace 9:25 Three Minute Wonder 9:30 Bricking it about the Bird Flu. The news scared the shit out of me. There are only enough vaccines for one in four people. Shotgun.

10:20 From the Top 10:45 Embarassing Illnessess 11:10 Decisions Sixth-former Ben Hartley is about to go to university when his mum receives some shocking news: He spent his gap year in Thailand working as a rentboy in and failed all his A-levels.

11:35 World of Difference:Bolivia 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Film:Very Important Person Starring Grace.E. de Ville 2:15 A Place by the Sea 3:15 Countdown 4:00 House Auction 4:30 Coach trip 5:00 Richard and Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Three Minute Wonder 8:00 You are What You Eat 8:30 10 Years Younger 9:00 Jamie’s School Dinners Jamie slags off turkey twizzlers and swears a lot but not in front of the kiddies...bless ‘im.

10:00 Desperate Housewives. Can’t wait.

Isn’t C4 super-dooper tonight?

11:05 Banned in the UK Incest 12:05 Film: Bad Lieutenant Harvey Keitel stars.Sounds good.

2:05 World Cup Skiing 4:00 Transworld Sport

2:00 Without a Trace 3:00 Smallville 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks Jake’s got Chlamydia. Lovely. And his real name is Kevin.

5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Smallville 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Point Pleasant 10:00 Fool Around...With Jodie Marsh Hmmm... no thanks. The Cheeky Girls episode was class.

This is “nothing-else-to-watch” TV at its worst, but I chuckled when one of the Cheekies got well and truely shat on.

10:30 Ali G in the USAiii 11:00 Desperate Housewives 12:00 Point Pleasant 12:55 Teachers Stopped being as funny when Brian the P.E teacher left 1:55 Without a Trace 2:45 Ali G in the USAiii 3:10 Fool Around...With Jodie Marsh 3:40am CLOSE

06.00 Softies 06.05 Jay Jay t he Jet Plane 06.30 Franny's Fe e t 0 6 . 4 0 O s w a l d 0 7 . 0 0 H i - 5 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.3 0 Elmo's World 08.45 Aussie Antics 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.00 Film: "Riding with Dea th"Science fiction thriller abou t an agent who becomes invisi ble after being exposed to radi ation during a satellite explosi o n . He’s watching you now...

11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trisha Goddard 15.40 Film: "Hart to Hart: Till D e a t h D o U s H a r t " Stupid title for a film 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Arctic Giants: Pol a r B e a r s Ranking as high as hippos In the ‘cute but evil category.

20.00 Predators at War 21.00 Film: "Boiling P o i n t "Starring W e s l e y S n ip e s and D e n n i s H o p p e r .

I’ve still never seen Blade, or any Wesely Snipes film for that matter.

2 2 . 5 0 F i l m : “Sh o w d o w n i n L i t t l e T o k yo 24.15 Going Down in the Vall ey 24.45 World of Rugby 01.10 Boxing: Fight of the W e e k Thora Hird and Natasha Kaplinsky go head-to-head with Ross Kemp and Mr Muscle 01.55 European Drag Racing Championships 0 2 . 2 0 I T U T r i a t h l o n W o r l d Cup 03.10 Rally UK 03.35 Argentinian Football Hi ghlights

P R I M E T I M E

6:00: CBBC: Little Bear. 6:25 The Silver Brumby. 6:50 Metalheads. 7:15 XperiMENTAL. rip-off of How2? 7:30 Looney Tunes. 7:40 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Bobinogs.. Series introducing social skills to three- to fiveyear-olds. And students.

8:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox. (8:45 The Koala Brothers. 9:00 Tweenies. 9:20 Razzledazzle.

9:40 Fimbles. 10:00 Fireman Sam. 10:10 Andy Pandy.

10:15 64 Zoo Lane. 10:30 The Munsters. Low Cal Munsters.

With 11:00 The Daily Politics.

1:00pm: Ken Hom's Hot Wok. Ken Hom visits Whitby, where he cooks whale chow mein for some hungry smugglers.

1:30 Working Lunch.

2:00 Lifeline 2:10 Rugby Special. 2:50 The Flying Gardener. 3:00 Castle in the Country. 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. Silly Ainsley Harriot cleans his cooker with a toothbrush.He should try that fairy powerspray 5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Comic Relief in da Bungalow.

6:30 Masterchef Goes Large. 7:00 Cold War Spy Swap From the makers of Wife Swap. This week KGB agent Sasha Yeltsputovitch hunts road tax dodgers in Folkestone.

7:30 Rough Science8:00 What the Ancients Did for Us. The Romans. 9:00 The Apprentice.

Fourteen candidates compete for the position of apprentice to multi- millionaire Alan Sugar. This is ace.

10:00 Blackadder II. Oh no, Desperate Housewives is on t’other side!

10:30 Newsnight.

Rough Science BBC2 7.30pm

P R I M E T I M E

Red Sonja BBC3 7.35pm

P R I M E T I M E

6:00: Breakfast. 9:30 Jeremy Vine Meets Rupert Everett. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Bargain Hunt.

12:15: Cash in the Attic.

The contents of the attic once fell on my parents as they were sleeping. They were only slightly maimed.

1:00 BBC News; Weather.

1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.

Serena (bint) finds out she’s pregnant with Luca’s baby and Lou discovers the owner of the mysterious thighbone he found in his yard: Helen Daniels.

2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog. 3:40 CBBC: Stuart Little. 4:00 Looney Tunes. 4:05 The ScoobyDoo Show. A group of hissing demons is plaguing the city of Seattle, causing a wave of insomnia.

4:30 Comic Relief in da Bungalow. Dick and Dom: as funny as catching bird flu. 5:00 Blue Peter.

5:25Newsround.

5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News.

6:30 Regional News 7:00 Seaside Rescue.

7:30 Trauma. Bird flu special. We’re all gonna DIE!!!

8:00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy.

9:00 Prison Undercover 10:00 BBC News.

10:35 The National Lottery 10:40 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy.

11:00 Secret Map of Hollywood.

PRIMETIME

Your Union

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Twisted Tales BBC3 10.30pm

P R I M E T I M E

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6.00 Peak Practice 6.55 Survival 7.50 Film File 8.00 Forever Green 8.55 Film File 9.05 Chicago Hope 9.55 LA Law 10.55 The Practice 11.50 Forever Green 12.50 Chicago Hope 1.45 LA Law 2.45 The Practice 3.40 Survival 4.40 Film File.

4.50 Peak Practice 5.55 LA Law 6.55 Providence 7.50 Parkinson 9.00 L.A Dragnet 10.00 Cracker 11.00 The Bill 0.05 Cracker. To Be a Somebody 1.10 Chicago Hope 2.00 The Practice 2.55 Teleshopping.

5.55 ITV3 Nightscreen And, like the 1966 World Cup Final, TV Grace’s first full TV page is done, done and done. Apart from these last five lines, which to be frank aren’t going to be filled with very much useful information. SEE!

Thursday

March 7 - 13 2005

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arenaeditor@obsessedwithdcgates.com

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Chris Moyles Red Nose Rally The bloated turd-sniffer gets driven about in a car and insists we watch him do so.

Gash. 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 21.30 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman With Mark Wooton, who I’m led to believe is the long haired guy from The Pilot Show and My New Best Friend.

So in theory, this has potential.

Alternatively, Mark Wooton could be that long haired hyperactive westcountry gobshite who’s prickish meanderings regularly clog up Channel 4 vox pop jaunts.

22.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 22.30 EastEnders 23.00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 23.30 Destination Three 23.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.10 Farscape 01.00 Angry Kid: Who Do You Think You Are? 01.30 Burn It 02.10 Twisted Tales

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 3rd Rock from the Sun 9.55 3rd Rock from the Sun 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.05 Movies Now The Oscars was a bit of a shambles. Why did that misogynistic prat Jamie Foxx win best actor just for acting like a blind divvy?

11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street. 1.00 Emmerdale 1.30 Airline. 2.00 Trisha.3.05 Trisha 4.10 The John Walsh Show.

5.00 Sally Jessy Raphael.

5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock 7.30 3rd Rock from the Sun. The Baby Menace 8.00 FILM: Waking Ned. 10.00 FILM: Lock Up. 0.05 3rd Rock from the Sun Guest-starring William Shatner, which should raise this from gutter-crawlingly pisspoor, to pavement-licking averagely guff.

0.35 3rd Rock from the Sun 1.05 Late Show with David Letterman.

1.55 The John Walsh Show.

2.40 Teleshopping Has anyone ever stayed up until twenty to three to do their entire shopping within a two hour period. Let me know.

4.40 ITV2 Nightscreen.

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith. 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning. 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Everything Must Go. 2.00 I Want That House Revisited.

2.30 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt.

3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Thomas and Friends 3.25 Tractor Tom The whole farm gets into the musical spirit when the juicer starts making a strangely funky noise. Fnarrr..erm... urrgh?

3.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3.45 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.00 Bernard.

Cookie 4.10 Rugrats 4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 Today with Des and Mel 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Ashley throws himself into his work. Puking over some off the bone ham.

7.30 Great Welsh Roads.

8.00 The Bill 9.00 Fat Friends.10.00 Celebrity Surgery: Who's Had What Done?

10.30 ITV News 11.00 Party Conference Broadcast.

11.05 All Welsh Together?

What do all Welsh people, black and white, think of our rainbow nation? What on earth is this suposed to mean?

11.35 Soccer Night. 0.00 Win, Lose or Draw Late 0.30 Brian's Boyfriends 0.55 Patsy Kensit's Orange Playlist 1.20 Redcoats1.50 Britpop Forever. Echobelly, Cast, Ocean Colour Scene, Space, Kula Shaker, Northern Uproar. Great!

19.00 Primate Primers 19.10 Europe: A Natural History 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister 21.00 Broadway: The American Musical 22.00 Birdland: A Night in 22.05 Arrested Development 22.30 The Late Edition 23.00 Curb Your Enthusiasm While Larry is attending a screening at ABC, a network executive's daughter gets him to cut off her doll's hair, but becomes upset when she realises that it won't grow back. I’m already pissing myself.

23.30 Curb Your Enthusiasm Courtside seats at a Lakers game give Larry a citywide spotlight to really foul things up.This episode is absolutely hilarious.

24.00 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise 24.30 Bill Deedes Talks to Mark Lawson 01.00 The Late Edition 01.30 Broadway: The American Musical With Rogers and Hammerstein, the rum knob-juggling duo. 02.30 British Isles: A User's Guide to Natural History 03.30 The Late Edition 04.00 Close Phweep.

Bricking It C4 9.30am

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Coach Trip 8:55am Will and Grace 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder: The Ten Commandments 9:30am Bricking It 10:20am From the Top: Russel Watson 10:45am Embarassing Illnesses 11:10am Decisions 11:35am Self Portrait UK 14-19 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm Exposed: Weddings 12:40pm The Bandit of Sherwood Forest 2:15pm A Place By The Sea 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm House Auction 4:30pm Coach Trip 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons: Bart Gets an F 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: The Ten Commandments 8:00pm A Place in the Sun 8:30pm The City Gardener 9:00pm Immigration is a Time Bomb 10:00pm X-Rated: The Ads They Wouldn’t Show No. 45 Dick and Dom getting a milky moustache.

11:35pm Banned in the UK 12:40am Kids Great soundtrack. I’ve not seen the film but the “I’ve got no arms” scene is allegedly a winner. 2:20am 100 Doors 3:20am 3 Minute Wonder: The Ten Commandments 3:25am The Heist 4:25am Immigration is a Time Bomb 5:25am Countdown

2:00pm Without a Trace: Lost and Found 3:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm ER 10:00pm Fool Around...With Jodie “Trampface” Marsh “Fool” being the operative word. This girl, seriously would get off on the idea of teenage nerdballs squeezing pus out their congealing acneas they nuzzle her sagging bap-sack, and still have time to brand several third division footballers faces with her burning buns.

11:00pm 11:35pm Sex and the City 12.05 ER 1:00am Six Feet Under 2:05am Without a Trace 2:55am Sex and the City 3:20am

06.00 Softies 06.05 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.30 Franny's Feet 06.40 Oswald 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Old Bear Storie s 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Elmo's World 08.45 Aussi e Antics 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wright Stuf 10.00 Film: "On Thin Ice: Going for the Gold Film about a stupid ice hockey arse bandit who gets reincarnated as a figure skater.

Please ejculate in excitement here: 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trisha Goddard 15.40 five news update 15.45 Film: Whispering Smith Not during half time at a Norwich game she ‘sin’t. I’ve never heard of such a drivelling, monolithically 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 Talk to Michael Howar d “ Alright Wanker?”

20.00 UEFA Cup Football Miiddlesborough vs Sporting Lisbon (Live) 22.20 Film: Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection Bryan McFadden loves a bit of Delta Force, so I heard.

24.10 John Barnes' Football Night 01.00 UEFA Cup Football Middlesborough vs Sporting Lisbon 02.25 UEFA Cup Football And yes, just incase you’re so staggering imbecilic not to have watched the entire game twice tonight including less than five minutes ago, here’s the Middlesborough vs Sporting Lisbon game again.

029 20229977

PRIMETIME

Embarassing Illnesses C4 10.45am

P R I M E T I M E

7:15 SMart on the Road 7:30 Looney Tunes 7:40 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Bobinogs 8:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox 8:45 The Koala Brothers Sammy's Bumpy Ride. Former Van Halen wild man Sammy Hagar gets dragged along a tow path by a tractor for several hours. 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 Razzledazzle 9:40 Fimbles 10:00 Fireman Sam 10:10 Andy Pandy. 10:15 64 Zoo Lane. 10:30 The Way Things Work 10:45 Something Special.

School 11:00 Words and Pictures Plus 11:15 What?

11:30 The Daily Politics.

12:30pm: Working Lunch.

1:00 The MunstersThis week the rubbish Addams family are visited by a tin man. Starring David Hasselhoff. 1:30 The Flying Gardener 1:45 Feather Your Nest 2:30 House Invaders 3:00 Castle in the Country.

3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Comic Relief in da Bungalo 6:30 Masterchef Goes Large.

7:00 The Culture Show.

8:00 Crufts 2005.

9:00 Blame the Parents. I don’t personally hold Joe and Wanda Jackson responsible at all. 9:50 Grown Up Gappers The further adventures of David Mellors teeth. 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show.

12:20am: FILM: Betty Fisher.

Batty Fisher more like. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize Revision.

4:00 GCSE Bitesize Revision TV Grace has a book about Worlds Apart dated in 1998, three years after their last single.

P R I M E T I M E

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:30 Jeremy Vine Meets Sheila Hancock 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Bargain Hunt 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote With Angela Lansbury, the carpet munching waddling old trollop. Which washed up former LA Law actor gets knifed in the back this week? 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 3:40 CBBC: Stuart Little 4:00 ChuckleVision Paul and Barry are tricked into helping a smuggler and come across an old enemy. Fnarr! Jools Holland stars as Olaf the Bumsmuggler.

4:20 The Cramp Twins 4:30 Comic Relief in da Bungalow.

5:00 Even Stevens 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Wildlife on One 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 9:00 A Life of Grime New York 9:30 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy 10:00 BBC News 10:30 Regional News and Weather 10:35 Question Time.

11:35 This Week ... TV John has underslept and over-partied.

12:20am: FILM: The Ticket Row 16, Seat 33. No under 18s Customers are politely asked not to set fire to their dollar bills before placing them in dancer’s G strings. 1:50 Sign Zone: Watchdog. 2:20 Sign Zone: Panorama 3:05 Sign Zone: Superstars.

4:05 Joins BBC News 24

Self Portrait UK C4 11.35am

P R I M E T I M E

Touching Evil ITV3 10pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6.00 Peak Practice. Change of Life 7.50 Film File 8.00 Forever Green. One of the actresses in this is called. Wendy Van Der Plank. Oh and it’s probably about Tom Hank’s septic foot.

8.55 Film File 9.05 Chicago Hope. 9.55 LA Law. 10.55 The Practice. The Day After 11.50 Forever Green 12.50 Chicago Hope.

1.45 LA Law. 2.45 The Practice. The Day After 3.40 Survival. In the Company of Eagles The Sven Goran Eriksson story.

4.40 Film File 4.50 Peak Practice 5.55 LA Law 6.55 Agatha Christie's Partners in Crime. 8.00 A Bit of a Do. 9.00 Crossing Jordan The story of Peter Andre’s thick, ropey cum.

10.00 Touching Evil 11.05 The Bill 0.10 A Bit of a Do. 1.15 Chicago Hope. 2.05 The Practice.

Wow, what a channel this truly is. Three episodes of LA Law, which only five minutes ago I thought only I remembered...

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Friday

Page 36

March 7 - 13 2005

donthaveacow@vegetariansociety.com

ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 229977

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 3rd Rock from the Sun 9.55 3rd Rock from the Sun Not many sitcoms could survive 59 seasons based on jokes around the fact that the main character is called Dick. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 1.00 Emmerdale 1.30 Airline 2.00 Trisha 3.05 Trisha 4.10 The John Walsh Show5.00 Sally Jessy Raphael.

Sally and her audience discuss more controversial topics.

5.50 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 8.00 American Idol 8.50 American Idol 9.40 American Idol 10.10 Jordan and Peter - Laid Bare

URGH!

11.10 Corrie 11.40 Celebrities Exposed: Big Spenders and Skinflints 0.40 3rd Rock from the Sun 1.10 3rd Rock from the Sun Don’t you just hate it when the editor has to fill space

19.00 The Desk Another fascinating look at the five brains behind TV Desk. This week’s episode guest stars former TV Desk starlet Holly Howitt Dring [formerly -TV Holly]) who returns to the desk with an offer - ‘does anyone fancy a pint?’

19.30 Family Ties 20.00 The World 20.30 The DVD Collection 21.00 Radio 3 Awards for World Music 2005 TV Desk’s own Awards were rendered thus: The GR TV Best band in the World: TV John: Whitesnake TV Mannners: The Ataris TV Grace: The Lemonheads (even though they no longer exist) TV Willy: Weezer (obviously) TV Katie: Muse 22.30 Storyville: The Fight And Gary would like to add his favourite band are the Super Furries - cos he’s well Welsh innit.24.00 The DVD Collection 24.30 Family Ties 01.00 Radio 3 Awards for World Music 2005 2.30 The Desk 03.00 The DVD Collection 03.30 Family Ties

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2:00 Without A Trace 3:00 Smallville 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks Featuring Comic Relief novelties 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Smallville After a parasitic worm infects Pete and Chloe, they are transformed into thrillseeking daredevils. Like in that charmin film starring, Oscar-winner Ben Affleck.

7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 The Games: Athletes in Training Althought your definition of ‘athlete’ is a little strained when you realise Craig Charles is one of those involved.

10:00 East Is East Bizarrely I went to see this on a GCSE Graphics trip. Media, I could understand, English or Sociology, maybe. But fuggin’ graphics? Bizarre.

11.55 Green Wing 1:05am Hitch: T4 Movie Special: My god, this looks gash.

06.00 Softies The Softies name their favourite flowers and find some juicy fruit. Will loves pansies 06.05 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.30 Franny's Feet 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Sailor Sid 07.00 Hi-5 0 7.30 Old Bear Stories 07.45 Make Wa y for Noddy (Driving Miss Pink Cat) Noddy gets an offer of all the ice cream he can eat if he becomes Miss Pink Cat’s personal chauffeur. 08.00 The Book of Pooh Any goosebumps novel.

Were you ever remotely scared?

08.30 Elmo's World 08.45 Aussie Antics 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.00 Film: "The Big Gam e" 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Brain Teaser 14.35 Trisha Goddard (Britains Oddest Couple?) It’s a tossup between Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee and the two sports editors. I think Thom and John just sneak it though. 15.35 Film: "Danielle Steel's Daddy" The name of a book rather then Ms. Steele’s father.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Set, this week, in incest hot-spot Yorkshire 19.00 five news 19.30 The Gadget Show 20.00 A Dream Home Abroad 21.00 Film: "Silent Cry" 22.45 Film: "Murder on Shadow Mountain" 24.35 The Gadget Show 01.00 Film: "Triumph of the Heart" 02.30 The Love Boat 03.20 Short Story Cinema 03.40 Sunset Beach 04.25 Melrose Place 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters When I was a young pup, I used to hilarously change the words of the theme-song of this “hit” Aussie-soap so that instead of “Sons and Daughters, lalalala something and happiness”, I would sing: “Sons and Daughters (wait for it), firing mortars, at Happiness”! think about it, it works so well! How much space do we have left? Another seven lines?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH, that is MASSIVELY dissapointing, I want to go and eat some round pizza in the luxurious surrounding of the gair rhydd floor. Erm, argh, quick, run.......

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6:10am The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 Coach Trip 8:55 Will and Grace Incidentally the names of the people writing THIS VERY PAGE! 9:25 The Kindness Of Strangers 9:30 Bricking It 10:20 Bricking It: Konnie Huq on Fame Academy 11:10 From The Top 11:35 Decisions 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Grudge Match 12:40 The Black Knight Starring Sir Trevor McDonald 2:15 A Place By The Sea Er, a beach? 3:15 Countdown 4:00 House Auction 4:30 Coach Trip 5:00 Richard & Judy ...sitting in a tree.

6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Darren (Ashley Taylor Dawson) is unimpressed with Ben's (Marcus Patric) choice of costume for the Fun Run: a tampon.

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:30 The Land Girls (FILM) NOT starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie 9:30 The Simpsons 10:00 Nathan Barley Comedy series by Chris Morris and Charlie Brooker, set inside a brick-lined box filled with squawking buffoons. What a brilliant desription. I may not be as good as older-Morris but it’s worth wathcing just for that.

10:35 I Know What You Did Last Summer Weeeelll, I went to Japan, worked in my local old man pub, went to Birmingham and London, and got drunk. It’s not really that interesting.

Right I’m bored, let’s a have a fun list: gair rhydd’s favourite brand of shampoos: Me: Aussie, Grace: Head and Shoulders (for her ‘druff’), Doyle: Radox for Men, Katie: Tresseme and finally, Dicken: Fairy Liquid

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 7.00 GMTV Today 9.25 Trisha Dead mate. 10.30 This Morning 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Everything Must Go 2.00 I Want That House Revisited 2.30 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt Two teams are given 200 pounds to spend at a car boot sale, which, let’s be honest, could buy you about five of your own car-boot sales. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Thomas and Friends 3.25 Fun Song Factory Starring Aphex Twin, Bauhaus, Menswear, Portishead and (early) Bright Eyes. 3.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3.45 SpongeBob SquarePants Rock Bottom. I bet! 4.00 Globo Loco 4.30 Girls in Love Children's series about a group of teenage girls and the trouble they get into. The only thing worse than a gang of teenagers is a group of teenage girls.

Unless you’re into that kind of thing. 5.00 Today with Des and Mel 6.00 ITV1 Wales News 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street Ray feels the lash of Blanche.

As long as it’s only her lash.

8.00 FILM: Tomorrow Never Dies Starring Desperate Housewive, Teri Hatcher. She of falling over for comedy vaue-fame.

10.10 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Staff from Hell Including Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Thom Airs and TV Manners.

0.05 FILM: Hang 'em High 2.00 Entertainment Now! 2.25 Today with Des and Mel 3.15 cd:uk

Coach Trip C4 8.25am

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6:00am: CBBC: Little Bear 6:25 The Silver Brumby 6:50 Metalheads Featuring James Hetfield, Jaws from James Bond and Chelsea Clinton. 7:15 The Make Shift 7:30 Looney Tunes 7:40 Comic Relief Does Fame Academy Not as good as ‘Will Dean Does Fearne Cotton’.

7:55 Newsround Featuring Rik Waller 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cock Little Cock 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Bobinogs I’ve no idea either.

8:45 The Koala Brothers 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 Razzledazzle.

9:40 Fimbles 10:00 Fireman Sam. 10:10 Andy Pandy Starring Andi Peters 10:15 64 Zoo Lane 10:30 Primary Geography 11:10 The Chat Room 11:30 Social Inclusion Dramas 11:50 Primary Geography 12:00pm: The Munsters 12:30 Working Lunch 1:30 The Flying Gardener Charlie Dimmock on charlie.

1:45 Feather Your Nest 2:30 Escape to the Country Unless that country is Canada. 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Top of the Pops 6:30 Masterchef Goes Large Starring Rik Waller.

7:00 Pensions Panic: Any Way Out? Down the stairs, watch you don’t catch your zimmer-frame on the bannister.

7:30 Crufts 2005 This is the dog’s bollocks.

8:30 Gardeners' World 9:00 Who Killed Stalin?

9:50 Dear Television 10:00 Comic Relief Does University Challenge 10:35 Newsnight 11:05 Newsnight Review 11:40 BBC Four Sessions David Byrne. From the Union Chapel in Islington.

YEASSSSSSSSS! 12:40am: FILM: The Strange Affair of Uncle Harry By Prince William’s sons.

Family Ties BBC4 7.30pm

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits (On the Lash) Dr John Marsden examines the effects of various party-associated substances on the body. His conclusion: “Drugs fucking rock man!”

20.00 Trauma Another week of writing silly TV listings.

20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Not Under My Roof 22.00 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman Starring Delia smith. speaking of which, the media cry over Delia’s drunken halftime rant was saved until two days after the game. Very odd. or as Delia might say/shout “LE’S BE ‘AVIN’ YA!” 22.00 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman Starring a bottle of cognac.

22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Go stuff yourselves.

23.00 Destination Three 23.05 Twisted Tales 23.40 Farscape 24.30 Farscape 01.20 Burn It 01.55 Vote for Laurence 02.50 Not Under My Roof

Who Killed Stalin?

BBC2 9pm

PRIMETIME

6:00am: Breakfast 9:30 Jeremy Vine Meets Ken Stott.

Journalist Jeremy Vine delves into the lives of famous actors.

The filthy bugger.

10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Bargain Hunt 11:45 Cash in the Attic Better than it being a close relative in the attic. 12:30pm: China: From Rags to Riches To environmental meltdown. 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 3:40 CBBC: Stuart Little 4:00 Looney Tunes 4:05 Crush 4:30 Tiny and Mr Duk's Huge Show 5:00 Blue Peter Anyone see Konnie Huq on Comic Relief Does Fame Academy? No, well I think I speak for the nation when I say HO HO HO HO HO 5:25 Newsround 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Red Nose Night: Live Sounds surprisingly good this year. Although there is the potentially fatal-combination of Chris Evans and Johnny Vaughn. Yuk. 7:30 Fame Academy, My Family and McFly This sounds fucking amazing.

8:00 Spider-Plant Man and Peter Kay Ditto 8:30 Little Little Britain and Big Big Impression 9:00 The Vicar of Dibley and the Fame Academy Final The Antiques Roadshow comes to Dibley, with hilarious consequences. I bet!

10:00 BBC News 10:35 Red Nose Night: Live 05 11:30 Ab Fab and Blind Date 12:00am: Chris Evans at Midnight

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6.00 Peak Practice 6.55 Survival What a rubbish channel. 7.50 Forever Green Konnie Huq’s face before she signs on Fame Academy again.

8.45 Film File. 8.55 Chicago Hope 9.45 LA Law 10.45 The Practice 11.40 Forever Green 12.50 Chicago Hope 1.40 LA Law 2.40 The Practice 3.35 Film File 3.45 A Bit of a Do 4.50 Peak Practice 5.55 LA Law 6.55 Campion 8.00 Foyle's War Better than Doyle’s War: the story of a sex pest with far too little time on his hands, a long dress-jacket and a girl with pepper spray.

10.00 Life Begins On Fridays after TV desk is completed.

11.05 Outside Edge 11.35 Rising Damp 0.05 Chicago Hope 1.50 Survival 2.55 Teleshopping Shopping from home. Well. No Shit.

5.55 ITV3 Nightscreen.

Text-based information service: sadly this is probably THE most entertaining thing on ITV3. Ever.

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6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 Transworld Sport 8:00 The Morning Line 8:55 T4: The Simple Life 9:25 T4: Freaky 9:45 T4: hit40uk 10:20 T4: One Tree Hill 11:20 T4: Friends 11:55 T4: Average Joe: Hawaii 12:55 T4: Fool Around With...My Boyfriend 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 16:20 FILM: The Count Of Monte Cristo (1975) 18:15 Morgan & Platell Gary’s idol, that twat from the Mirror, is back trying to claw his way from the gutter (re: The Mirror) into civilised society. Since no one with any sense of political persuasion watches this croc-oshit.

18:45 Channel 4 News 19:15 Immigration On Trial 20:15 The Queen’s Lost Uncle 21:15 Proof Of Life (2000) That film during which Meg and Russ got together.

That’s the only positive thing TV Desk could come up regarding this film. It’s fucking awful and if you watch it, I’ll come over and personally see to it that your nails are ripped from your toes as you watch.

23:50 All I Want - A Portrait Of Rufus Wainwright As recommended by TV John and TV Willy.

For all you O.C. fans out there, Rufus provided that version of Hallelujah at the end of the Series One finale.. Seriously, if you want to challenge me to the title of ‘O.C. Know-It-All 2005’ then step up now. The question for seeding in the championship is, ‘What is the name of the venue where the bands play on Newport Beach?’ 99.9% need not apply. 0:55 Nathan Barley 01:25 In The Company Of Men (1997) 03:05 The Luzhin Defence (2000)

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06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.30 Holiday Airport - Orlando 15.35 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Mothers' Day Special 16.35 7's World Cup Legends One day there will be a show dedicated to the legends of the TV Desk Pool Tournament 17.05 cd:uk 18.10 18.35 Planet's Funniest Animals Sausage Dogs. 19.05 Nanny 911 20.05 Movies Now It’s good to see Keanu Reeves hasn’t been typecast in his new role in the film Constantine. The ‘Matrix goes medieval’ should be the slogan of the film. Looks an alright film even with Keanu’s wooden acting (the only acting he can do). 20.15 Celebrities Exposed: Big Spenders and Skinflints TV Desk falls into the second catagory. 21.15 FILM: Predator (1987) 23.20 Jordan and Peter - Laid Bare Peter was slowly suffocated by the cartoonesque body of Jordan. Haha, serves him right. 0.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

01.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 03.45 Teleshopping 05.45 ITV2 Nightscreen

6.00-9.25 Toonattik 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 Quincy, ME. Dead Stop 13.40 FILM: Doctor Zhivago (1965) 17.05 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.20 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.35 New You've Been Framed 18.05 Stars In Their Eyes 19.05 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.15 Acorn Antiques - the Musical Whatever happened to Acorns? I remember well that weird game with the badger crossing the road on the green screen. Ah, happy days. If anyone has any idea what I’m talking about, text the letters page (because we won’t read your mail unless it’s sexual).

22.15 Parkinson The definitive list of the person we would most like to interview: Hitler, Pinochet, Roland Rat, Editor Gary, Super-ted, Optimus Prime and the Pope. Notice the Thatcherist theme? We’re so Tory.

23.15 ITV News 23.30 FILM: Legal Eagles (1986) 01.35 Outrageous Las Vegas Weddings Including Britney and that loser. 02.30 cd:uk 03.20 Entertainment Now! 03.45 Dare to Believe TV Desk will finish before 3am, Doyle will stop spanking the News Monkey, Gary will stop watching said spanking, Talmage will stop his incessant posh phone voice and Electric Six will stop with the endless fucking repeats of Gay Bar. 04.10 Mixmasters 04.40 Cybernet 05.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

19.00 Europe: A Natural History 19.50 Europe: A Natural History From my historical knowledge I’ll give you the lowdown: shit happens, we’re suffering the consequences. See, I’m really that good. 21.30 Europe: A Natural History 22.20 FILM: The Cuckoo (2002) The first attempt by the creator of that knobbing frog to break into the ringtone market. Thankfully, this installment was a total failure but with the remix of the frog, a film following the descent to fame is sure to be in the pipleline. 0.00 The Late Edition And no, this isn’t porn. 0.30 Death on the Staircase If I had my way I’d push the director of BBC4 down the stairs. It’s the only punishment I can see fit for creating, and running, such a piss poor channel. Shame on you! 01.20 Radio 3 Awards for World Music Let’s be fair, it’s not going to be world music is it, because it’s a classical station. Safe to say, the winners are going to be dead composers or the nerdy looking people who make up choirs (yup, that’s me). 02.50 WOMAD Willy Only Makes Andy Desperate. 2004 03.50 Close

Kylie Up Close five 1.30pm

14:00 Switched 14:25 hit40uk 14:50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17:00 hit40uk 17:30 Friends 18:00 The O.C. 19:00 The O.C. 20:00 The O.C. 21:00 Brat Camp: What Happened Next?

22:00 X Rated: The Top 20 Most Controversial TV Programmes 23:05 X_Rated: The TV They Tried To Ban 0:40 Ali G In Da USAiii 01:15 Ali G In Da USAiii 01:45 Line Of Fire 02:35 X Rated: The Top 20 Most Controversial TV Programmes 03:40 Close I’m pleased to say I’ve been expanding my musical tastes. After getting my grubby hands on two dvds of John Peel’s Festive Fifty 1976 - 2003 (yup, every track from every Festive Fifty - over 2000 songs!) and subsequently filling my computer with lovely (legal) mp3s, I’ve been listening to a whole host of old classics.

My favourite of the week has to be Lazy Painter Jane by Belle and Sebastian. Well I find it interesting and it fills up space on damn E4. If you want a copy of the dvds, they’re five quid. Come ask TV Manners. I’m very friendly in real life. In these hallowed pages I’m an utter bastard.

6.00 Sunrise 6.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 7.20 Mio Mao 7.25 Milkshake! 7.30 Old Bear Stories 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 The SaveUms! 8.45 The Save-Ums! 9.00 Beyblade 9.25 Xcalibur 10.00 He rcules: The Legendary Journeys Films made by Cardiff’s School of Media have a bigger budget than this trash. You may think I’m simply being harsh today about TV, but no. I’m being harsh against five because it’s shit. 10.55 The Best of No Girls Allowed Wow, look at this, five taking a stand against that insufferable group who, like dogshit, are everywhere at the moment. I for one will be watching this just to view the slanderous and libel comments made.

11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Kylie Up Close 14.40 FIL M: My Girl 2 (1994) 16.30 Perry Mason Right, I know five looks shit but it’s not our fault. Blame it on the weatherman like we do.

Man, I love denim.

18.30 Charmed 19.20 five news 19.25 FILM: Dragonheart II: A New Beginning Slightly worse than the original, this is one of those films that should be relegated to a warehouse in the middle of Deep South America to be forgotten about or bombed

by North Korea at an opportune moment. Avoid at all costs.

21.05 CSI:NY 22.00 Law and Order: Specia l Victims Unit 22.55 FILM: The Witches of Eastwick (1987) 01.10 Law and Order 02.00 FILM : Poodle Springs (1998 ) 03.40 Sh ort Story Cinema 04.15 Russell G rant's Postcards This week from Hanley Castle. I love that sleepy village nestled under the Malvern Hills.

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19.00 Liquid Assets: Duran Duran 20.00 Michael Jackson and the Boy He Paid Off Every day, Sky One shows a recreation of the Jacko trial from the previous day. Thankfully I haven’t seen it, and I intend not to. The only way Jacko is going to get out of this one is to a) give the Judge the best head of his life (including ball sucking), b) plead insanity and spend the rest of his days stuck in a looney bin with Pete Dogherty, or c) Bring in Cochran to use the Chewbacca defence. It worked for Chef in South Park so it’ll work in Jacko strange little world too. 21.00 FILM: Under Siege (1992) The plight of News Desk from the aggressive Sports Desk. TV Desk has been made neutral.

22.40 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 23.10 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.40 Grass 0.10 The Mighty Boosh 0.40 Vote for Laurence 01.40 Liquid Assets: Duran Duran 02.35 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 03.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.35 Grass Cows eat it; why shouldn’t there be a show about it, I ask you? 04.05 Close

6:00 Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 10:30 The Best The Ataris, Built To Spill, My Bloody Valentine, Belle and Sebastian, Placebo, Stiff Little Fingers, Swervedriver, Tsunami Bomb, Me First And The Gimme Gimmes, Along Came Man and Synopsis. 11:00 The Nation's Favourite Food 11:30 Bill's Food 12:00 See Hear 12:45 The Sky at Night 13:05 Six Nations Grandstand: Ireland v France 14:20 FILM: The Inn of the Sixth Happiness (1958) I’m proud to say I’ve actually seen this film. My dad likes it; that’s the type of film it is.

16:50 Six Nations Grandstand: England v Italy 17:55 What the Papers Say 17:00 Digital Creativity Across the Curriculum 18:05 Flog It! 19:05 Around the World in 80 Treasures 20:05 Crufts 2005 21:15 The Heart of Me Is red, pumps blood, is very strong, breaks easily and I wear it on my sleeve.

22:50 The Apprentice 23:50 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 0:20 FILM: Tumbleweeds (1999) 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Something in the Air 02:30 The Census 03:00 Bloodlines: A Family Legacy 03:30 How We Study Children Doyle prefers the ‘hands on’ approach, I teach them shit which they don’t remember and everyone else ignores them. 04:00 CyberTalk 04:30 Modem Monks Those crafty monks can always find a way of getting some kinky action. In this case by inserting a modem cable up their arse and waiting for Nun Crystal to phone them. Wait until they get broadband - sparks will fly.

Morgan & Platell C4 6.15pm

Your Union

6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: Arthur 7:25 Astro Boy 7:45 Tom and Jerry Kids 8:10 Taz-Mania 8:35 The Scooby-Doo Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow I wonder which Z-List celeb they’ve got on the show this week. Of course it’s all in the name of Comic Relief, which would normally be shite, but these pair are a cult classic in the making.

Like Bastion Springs. 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12:00 BBC News; Weather 12:10 Match of the Day Live: FA Cup Quarter-Final: Bolton v Arsenal 14:20 Six Nations Grandstand 14:25 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship 15:30 Rugby Union Build-Up 16:00 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: England v Italy Well I’m sure this will be a fun match. England will lose, Wales will rejoice and plentiful racism will ensue. I love nationalism.

16:50 Final Score 17:10 Match of the Day Live: FA Cup Quarter-Final: Southampton v Manchester Utd Sports Desk are positively creaming themselves over the though of the amount of sport this weekend.

Well done BBC, aside from the Tiddlywinks Championship, you actually have some decent sport. It’ll all go downhill next week with Comic Relief, don’t worry.

19:20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 19:40 The National Lottery Jet Set 20:15 Test the Nation: the Big Entertainment Test 21:40 BBC News; Weather 22:05 Test the Nation: the Big Entertainment Test 23:15 FILM: Cliffhanger (1993) He falls off at the end.

Sorry. 01:00 Top of the Pops 01:30 Joins BBC News 24

M o d e m Monks BBC2 4.30am

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6.00 Survival 6.55 Survival 7.50 Campion 8.55 The Royal 10.00 Survival 11.00 Noah's Ark 12.05 The Royal 13.05 Surgical Spirit 13.40 Surgical Spirit 14.10 The Grimleys 14.40 The Grimleys 15.15 Rising Damp 15.50 Campion 17.00 Noah's Ark Here’s my claim to fame. I starred in this show as an extra when I was about 14 and I was paid 30 quid for the privilage. So there you are. A reason to watch ITV3.

That’s the only reason though.

18.00 Jeeves and Wooster 19.05 Film File 19.15 Hornblower 21.15 Midsomer Murders 23.20 Hammer House of Horror 0.20 The Bill Omnibus Is there anything worse than two hours of The Bill back to back?

Possibly being forced to watch an entire day of ITV3 comes in a close second. Why did they bother creating this utter pile of wank? ITV3 has been entered into the TV Guide ‘Worst Channel In The World Ever’ award featuring soon in Q magazine. Haha, only joking, we wouldn’t want our material being printed in that joke of a mag.

02.20 Teleshopping

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 cd:uk 10.20 American Idol 11.15 American Idol 12.05 American Idol 12.35 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 13.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.50 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.00 American Idol 20.55 American Idol ‘Don’t wanna be an American Idol’. Oh, wrong song. 21.50 American Idol 22.15 Jordan and Peter - Laid Bare 23.20 Coronation Street 23.50 Desperately Seeking Sheila 0.50 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 01.20 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 01.50 Club Reps The Workers Uncut 02.45 Patsy Kensit's Orange Playlist Insert your comedic fish related song here.

I can’t think of any, apart from ‘Come on Baby Light My Carp’.

03.10 Teleshopping 05.10 ITV2 Nightscreen The most relevant thing to happen this week, and most troubling thing, is the reemergence of that knobbing frog with a remix! How can you remix that ridiculous thing anyway?

Shove it in the blender is the general feeling of TV Desk.

19.00 The DVD Collection 19.30 Family Ties 20.00 British Isles: A User's Guide to Natural History 21.00 FILM: My Fair Lady (1964) BBC4, being down with the kids in the way that they are, after seeing the events unfold on Grange Hill, decided to show this film ‘great’ to boost ratings. (For those not in the know, the cast of Grange Hill are putting on a production of My Fair Lady). Unfortunately, the BBC4 men forgot they’re fucking useless idiots who no one cares about. And no one watches their pompous channel. 23.45 Cecil Beaton Snobby extraordinaire ponces about talking about irrelevant drivel. The pinnacle of BBC4 programming. I feel like a Little Britain moment coming on.

0.15 Cast and Crew 0.55 The DVD Collection I have no new dvds to add to my list. 01.25 British Isles: A User's Guide to Natural History 02.25 Family Ties 02.55 WOMAD 2004 Women Only Made Arnie’s Dog, Why Oldies Moan And Die, When Oranges Make Angry Dinner, Wild Orange Mice Are Dangerous. 03.55 Close

Softies five 6am

14:00 Switched 14:25 The Life Of Brian: Six Months With Brian Mcfadden is akin to: sticking blunt needles slowly into your scrotum (or clitoris), scratching a piece of sandpaper until the blood runs, plucking anal hair or peeling skin away from your nails. You get the idea. 15:30 Hitch: T4 Movie Special This is exactly the same tripe they showed last week. For fuck’s sake, think of some new shows. 16:00 The Games: Athletes In Training 17:00 H Side Story 17:30 Friends 18:00 The O.C. 19:00 Point Pleasant 20:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 21:00 ER 22:00 Desperate Housewives I don’t even need to talk about this show any more because Desperate fever has swept the nation. Rest assured, it only gets better. 22:55 The O.C. 23:50 Point Pleasant 0:45 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 01:35 ER 02:25 The Games: Athletes In Training Doyle’s tantric wank is the only exercise he needs, or does, in a week. He’s doing it now. 03:25 H Side Story 03:55 Close

6.00 Softies 6.05 A House Th at's Just like Yours 6.30 Wool amaloo 6.45 The Clangers 6.

55 Roobarb 7.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 7.25 Milkshak e! 7.30 Old Bear Stories 7.45 M a k e W a y f o r N o d d y After rejuvenating himself in he local kebab shop, Noddy heads out to sample the nightlife and local women. His dancing techniques he learnt in Toyland really impress the loose women and he manages to take a few lovely ladies back to his motel room.

The lack of a penis (due to his cartoon nature) renders him fairly useless in bed much to the annoyance of the feisty yokels.

8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.35 The Save-Ums! 8.45 The Sav e-Ums! 9.00 Insect Antics 9.05 Peppa Pig 9.10 The Ice Cream Machine 9.25 George Shrinks 10.00 Don't Blame th e Koalas 10.30 Combat Club 1 1. 0 0 S n o b s 1 1 . 3 0 M a k e I t B i g 12.05 Braceface 12.35 Divi ne Designs 13.05 five news u p d a t e 1 3 . 1 5 F I L M: C o l u m b o : Suitable for Framing (1971) That woman from Murder She Wrote. The clue is in the title for fucks sake! 1 4 . 5 0 F I L M : T h e T owering Inferno (1974) 17.45 five news 18.00 Film: The Goonies (1 9 8 5 ) This was only shown about a week ago!

Argh! It’s like second chance sunday every fucking week!

20.00 Joey 20.30 Joey 21.00 Film: Saving Privat e Ryan (1998 ) 0. 2 0 N a t u r a l B o r n R a c e r s MIcheal Owen, Ray Ferdinand and Tafod.

0. 5 0 N C A A C o l l e g e B a s k e t b a l l 02.20 Argentinian Football 0 4 . 0 0 P o r t u g u e s e F o o t b a l lis pretty shit by all accounts.

05.35 Motorsport Mundial

PRIMETIME

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 World Cup Skiing 8:25 The Morning Line Editor Gary needs two lines just to get up in the morning nowadays. The pressure of working is simply becoming too much. The Morning Line 8:55 T4: Switched 9:25 T4: Popworld 10:20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:55 T4: H Side Story Ah, I see what they’ve done there. Blonde haired, lyric chewing, prized gay, carpet munching, masturbating, cunting fucker. 13:30 T4: Will Young Live See above. 14:40 T4: The O.C. What a fantastic episode it was last week! Revelations all round. This week, Jimmy leaves and I’m pretty sure DJ does as well. Marissa, in the absence of DJ, partakes in lesbianism with Seth’s bird. What would you do without me? 15:40 T4: Freaky 16:05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 17:00 Time Team 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Scrapheap Challenge USA Fat Americans breaking stuff.

Much like Limp Bizkit’s contribution to the music industry then.

19:30 Channel 4 News 20:00Bremner, Bird And Fortune 21:00 Prince Andrew: The Fergie Years 22:00 X-Rated: The Sex Films They Tried To Ban 23:40 Sex: The Annabel Chong Story (1999) Clearly they tried to ban this but failed. Instead they cut the film from hardcore to a petty soft core flick. Crap.

01:25 To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before 02:20 KOTV 2:50 The World Football Show 03:15 French Football: Le Championnat 05:00 Le Mans Endurance 2004 05:25 Countdown 06:10 Close

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6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 7.30 Toonattik 9.25 Pet Alien 9.35 Art Attack 10.00 UP2U 10.30 The Championship 11.15 My Favourite Hymns 12.15 Waterfront 12.45 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.45 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.50 World Rally Championship Men in cars.

Boring as hell. 14.50 Creature Comforts A sofa, a poof, a chiase-longue, the remote, Sky digital, Papa Johns, gair rhydd, carrot cake and a willing lady friend. 15.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 16.05 FILM: Sister Act (1992) 17.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.10 ITV News; Weather 18.30 Animals Do the Funniest Things when you: shove your finger up their arsehole, burn their fur, kill their mother, dig them out, chase them with dogs, pitch them in a fight against a cock (not that sort of cock), blow a high pitched whistle, have them for Sunday dinner or chain them to a sinking ship.

Comedic classics from those cheeky chappies at ITV Wank.

20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 Midsomer Murders There must come a time when the entire population of the village is dead because of one man’s shenanigans. House prices there must be loooooooow.

23.00 ITV News About as informative as the TV Guide.

23.05 The South Bank Show 0.05 World Rally Championship 0.45 FILM: Britannic (2000) Me thinks this lost out in the ratings war with Titanic. 02.05 Trisha 03.15 Today with Des and Mel 04.10 ITV Nightscreen

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6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 7:30 Smile 10:30 Sunday Style 12:00 Wild Down Under A curious insight into the weird and wonderful world of ‘unshaven havens’. TV Katie reveals how she lets her garden grow. 12:50 FILM: Never Cry Wolf (1983) 14:30 Six Nations Grandstand Scotland v Wales Don’t even think about it. 17:05 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 17:35 Wild West Country 17:45 Big Cat Diary: Family Histories 18:15 Time Commanders 19:00 Crufts 2005 Last week’s hilarious ‘substitute celebrity names for dogs’ antics unfortunately dried up the comedic genius of TV Desk. So this week there are no funny entries. Just more spelling mistakes.

21:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks Something to liven up the weekend.

21:30 HELP John Lennon’s shouts from beyond the grave fall on deaf ears.

22:00 Supervolcano: The Truth About Yellowstone 22:30 Outlaws 23:00 Arrested Development 23:20 The Mighty Boosh 23:50 Rugby Special 0:30 FILM: The Wog Boy (2000) In an age of political correctness surely someone has something to say about this? No? Well fine then, wog wog wog wog wog wog wog wog wog wog wog wog wog wog boy.

02:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Get Confident: The Tool Kit to Communicating: Making the Best of Yourself Surely up for nomination in the catagory of ‘Longest Ever Title For The Name Of A Show On BBC2’. It gets my vote. 04:00 Confidence Zone 1 05:00 Confidence Zone 2

Pet Alien ITV1 9.25am

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19.00 Little Angels 19.30 BBC Three Outtakes Show 19.40 FILM: Cast Away (2000) 22.00 Casanova 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman Clearly this would have been more amusing if it wasn’t a spoof. 0.00 Little Britain 0.30 Swiss Toni Writing TV Desk is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. You have to stay up late endlessly giving for the greater good, stroke ‘the button’ gently and listen to the loud neighbours next door. In this case, Sports Desk partaking in another ‘amusing’ water fight.

01.00 18 With a Bullet Bad boys of rap, McFly, go nuts when they reach the big one-eight.

This programme charts the lead up to this huge event. That nobhead with the lisp is the worst of the lot. You impressionable young girls out there, be careful of that one. 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 02.55 Vote for Laurence Vote for TV. You know it makes sense. 03.55 Close

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6:00 Breakfast 9:00 Breakfast with Frost 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:00 Countryfile 12:00 The Politics Show 13:00 Match of the Day Live: FA Cup Quarter-Final Blackburn v Leicester 15:05 EastEnders 16:30 As Time Goes By 17:00 Songs of Praise 17:35 Kidnapped 18:25 Last of the Summer Wine (New Series) Ok, is this a typo? How can there be a new series of this show when all the characters are dead. And if they’re not dead, why not?

18:55 Antiques Roadshow 19:45 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:10 Casualty This week, the cast work together in a dry run, in preparation for the imminent death of the Pope. No fake blood is going to save you now silly old fool. (And still no complaints!)

21:00 Supervolcano Another one of those great shows depicting the end of the world. What joys we’ve got to look forward too.

Evidently, the more we do wrong, the angrier the volcano becomes, until one day, BOOM! We’re all dust in the atmosphere. Nice.

22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:15 People Power Yeah, follow the banner of Michael Moore. If we do what he says, we’ll surely bring about world peace.

Or at least line his pockets further.

23:15 Billy Connolly's World Tour of England, Ireland and Wales 23:45 FILM: The Innocent Sleep (1995) One of Doyle’s unachievable dreams.

01:25am: Joins BBC News 24

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Casualty BBC1 8.10pm

P R I M E T I M E

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6.00 Survival 6.55 Survival 7.50 The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 8.45 Film File 8.55 Outside Edge 9.25 Jeeves and Wooster 10.25 Second Thoughts 10.55 Second Thoughts 11.20 Film File Preview of tonight’s double feature Rain Man and Rain Man. 11.35 Hornblower I’m able to felate myself. If you ask me nicely I’ll show you 13.35 The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 14.40 Rising Damp 15.10 Outside Edge 15.45 Jeeves and Wooster 16.50 Second Thoughts 17.20 Second Thoughts 17.50 The Royal 18.55 The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 20.00 Churchill 21.00 FILM: Rain Man (1988) A once in a life time classic. 23.35 The Vice 0.40 FILM: Rain Man (1988) Just incase you missed this film (the one that finished just over an hour ago) those lovely people at ITV3 give you another chance to see it.

Hmm...seems to me as though they don’t have enough shows to fill the schedule. At least they haven’t made it too obvious.

Five Minute Fun

March 7 2005

Page 39

fiveminutefun@gairrhydd.com

?

3. Wrestler Roddy Piper battled aliens in which film?

The Big Quiz*

A: B: C: D: E:

* or the rather small quiz about films

‘He said what?!’

Hurrah! Just for fun, the fabulous caption game returns once more. Enjoy it whilst it lasts, people.

Mars Attacks Return of the Jedi They Live ET Ali

4. Will Smith played a young man with attitude who always wins in which film?

1. In which film did Rocky lose the final fight?

A: B: C: D: E:

A: B: C: D: E:

Rocky Rocky II Rocky III Rambo III Ali

5. Your favourite film is...

2. ‘We’re going streaking’ is a line from which film?

A: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids B: Hulk C: Never Say Never Again D: A Meg Ryan film E: None of the above pieces of rubbish!

Spider-Man 2 Dodgeball Old School Memento

Answers: 1.A, 2.C, 3.C, 4,E, 5.E

A: B: C: D:

Ali Men in Black Independence Day I, Robot All of the above

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Name: E-Mail: A fond farewell to former editor Sarah as she embarks on a quest to find herself. Or something to that effect.

Yes, a new editor has taken over and that editor would be me, here to provide weekly fun without resorting to wearing silly costumes or telling Ricky Gervais jokes. Congratulations to Hannah Buckingham, who was the winner of last week’s crossword competition. Apparently, if she were a shoe, she’d be a Dr. Marten because her name’s Martin and she’s a doctor. I don’t quite believe her, but if she comes to the gair rhydd office she can claim her free meal. That’s all for now folks, but come again for more fun and frolics.

Bren in the (virtually impossible) event of a tie . . .

If I was a Disney character, I would be...

Tie-breaker: To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

Page 41

The Exciting Story Of Moira Stewart

Dr. Matthew

problempage@gairrhydd.com - because the only alternative is bird-flu

Stomping lady fiend seeks face paint Dear Dr, I have two men after me. Man #1 sends me flowers

Working as a respected and highly paid journalist for the BBC, Moira used to be famous and largely recognisable by the public.

One day, however, this all changed as Moira came home to find her house completely ON FIRE. She vowed to avenge her house...

March 7 2005

and chocolates, helps me with my coursework and spends hours talking to me and staring into my eyes in a completely hopeless and somewhat corny romantic kind of way. Man #2 keeps taking me out and plying me with double vodkas in the hope that he will score.

They are both very nice and quite attractive in some respects but I'm not particularly interested in either.

Now this may not seem like a problem to many; I know I should just let them both off gently and wait till a man I really like comes along. But, you see, not being particularly attractive myself I don't get attention from one man very often, let alone two. I admit I'm enjoying all the fuss over me, not to mention all the free chocolates, drinks and help with my coursework.

However, it all came to head the other night when I was out with man #2, being plied with drinks as usual. When he leaned into kiss me, I let him kiss me for a little while, when man #1 happened to walk in and see us.

It turns out that they actually live together and are – sorry,

were - best friends. Now they hate each other and I am consumed with the most terrible guilt. I'm missing all the free drinks and chocolate too. What can I do to get these two to like each other again and keep making a fuss over me?

Anon, 1st year Do you like face paints? It might not have seemed immediately obvious, but if you paint a gigantic yawning vagina on your face they will bond over it and persist in making a commotion over you.

Humans go potty for face paint, largely because face paints change humans into things that look just like humans but have other features as a result of painting their face. Clever in way, but in another way, not clever at all. Men like women with vaginas on their face because ‘vagina’ is such a funny word. That means that any woman with a vagina mural sprayed on her face is automatically going to be funny.

We all know that some men like vaginas and funny things. It makes for a pleasant equation if you like regarding things in that sort of fashion. You mathematician you.

Thing is, there was always going to be a quandary with this advice and although I’m wholly

equipped to deal with it I can’t promise my being arsed.

Toting a facial vagina is going to confuse the same men that like vaginas and funny things.

Although they will now be the bestest of friends and resolutely united in their quest to wee in you, they’re going to try and touch you on your face.

This is slightly wrong but does mean that you can freely and consistently charge them with indecent facial touchery; suggesting that having vagina for a face is economically profitable if you know how to use it, even though you’ll look like a great big massive vaghead for most of the day and will probably get punched in the Real-Vag for your efforts at being ‘clever’. People will attempt vagicide. You’ll also face an onslaught of the word "strumpet"; chiefly because you have a rendering of a vagina on your face, but more far more likely because you’ve forgotten to dress your real vagina in real clothes and are now wafting it about like a flaccid lamb with no legs. You fucking harlot strumpet smelling vagina faced thespian pig.

Only joking.

Matt

“I am transmogrifying into a cat” Dear Dr Matthew, I have reason to believe I’m turning into a cat.

...and began training at a top secret ninja school in North London. She mastered the sword and she mastered her breasts and became hard.

Not only do dogs run towards and hurl themselves on me in a most embarrassing manner but I’m told I purr in my sleep. Also, my hair is all different colours suggesting that my 'cat' genes are fighting to turn me into tabby, and when I get very angry I cannot help hissing and growling.

People I have spoken to about this problem suggest that my turning into a cat is wishful thinking. It's true that I’m very jealous of my cat, who does NOTHING, yet gets EVERYTHING. Where do you think the problem lies?

Someone, meowing somewhere.

After not being famous for three years, Moira could finally earn her ninja suit and start running around silently, waffling arsonists in the face

The End

Inside your silly little head? Really love, you can’t actually turn into a cat. If you could do you not think other people would follow suit and try to turn into something equally biological? It would trigger a pandemic of humans turning themselves into animals, and given that planet earth’s world is far too full of animals (and we all know who to blame for that) this would

not only be selfish but entirely difficult to live with.

Animals, in their very nature, are animalistic and cause all sorts of socio-economic problems.

Observe the animal that swims, swims some more and then BITES PEOPLE’S HEADS OFF. You can’t have people turning into that kind of thing; it’s just horribly dangerous.

A study that I managed to find suggests that although animals are righteously animalistic and supported by a few government laws for being so, they are also thick and offensive in the wrong contextual situation and can cause several or millions of lacerations; depending on how you chose to look at it.

The different hair colours will certainly be because of the sun’s superduper shine. The sun is polite like that of course and can usually be found muttering things like: “SURE, I’ll give you a bit of a free tint, give you a bit of tan, but honestly, fuck with me and I’ll cancer you up”.

Pretending to get angry by making spitting noises is absolutely stupid though. If I saw you doing

that I might be inclined to pull your face off, never mind the thing about dogs. Dogs are filthy little bastards already. Don’t show them anything worth poking because they will do it, and do so with great conviction.

I do realise that I’m being a meanie-weenie this week but you know, I just lost some toilet roll and I’ve got an inordinate amount of snot wishing to cover my face and you’re spinning off on a bonkers about turning into a cat.

It’s a little bit strange. Just stop being immature about it.

I suppose if your cat really does get everything you could wilfully surprise it by not giving it anything.

It’s only a cat. Throw it out of the window and it’ll survive. Just don’t let it run rings around you and/or poo on your carpets. If you’re going to carry on disgruntling my face up please do so in a letter that offers something to write about, as opposed to something that comprehensively breaks my ability to think, blow my nose and cry.

Matt

Nightline : 029 2022 3993:

As most people are aware (and I say most

people because saying that usually implies nearly everyone, always considering the two people that comprehensively ruin it for everyone else - dicks), sailors usually contract scurvy at some point.

The thing about this point – a point that sometimes appears, bellows "eat my scurvy, gay man" and then scampers away (having successfully victimised a sailor into consuming an exciting scurvy broth), is that it is a point that can be used for other things, from which new points can be made.

Points are quite clever.

A new point in question is the one concerning flu. Flu is usually short for Fucking Large Urethra, as most people are not aware, but is also short for having a headache, a sniffly nose, sore throat, cough and being old. Our social construction of ‘flu’ has nothing to do with influenza, which is a REAL disease and REALLY hurts.

Thing is, I had a headache and a sniffly little nose this one time, and was told that I smelled like a wimp. Not taking kindly to this – in fact taking rather angrily – I sought to find out why.

Then, I thought about that Point again, found its address, realised I’d been making it up all along and got better so rapidly that most of my body couldn’t keep up and stopped working for ten minutes.

This meant that not only was the Point defeated; it also completely missed.

So: if you want to foil scurvy and that thing where you get a headache, a sniffly nose and a sore throat, you’ve got to say "what (and where) is the Point?" Miraculously this will normally do nothing, but it will temporarily stop your brain from having a giggle at your sniffilynosed, wimp-smelling face.

Give me a toilet, I want to shit at it.

Please.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery I hear bells 0800-WHEREAMI? Losing your voice?

0800-THINKOFTHEPOPE Sorted?

0800-NEARLY Lost at musical chairs?

0800-WHEELCHAIRWIN Under surveillance?

0800-FLOWERSBYIRENE

Listings

Page 42

March 7 2005

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s Cardiff listings with Muddiman, Sefton and Schmit.

Hot-diggity. Our policy of intimidation and bribery, has finally gotten us colour!

Good

University Choir and Orchestra

Vibrations @Seren Las

@St. David’s Hall

Sun 13th Mar 6pm / £2

Sat 12th Mar

7.30pm / From £4 NUS Muddiman Recommends

T

his week it’s personal. The university choir and orchestra are performing their ‘end of year’ concert in St. David’s hall: the culmination of a term and a half of hard graft.

St. David’s hall has 1600 seats – that’s quite a few – and I am holding you responsible if I see gaps on Saturday night.

The first half of the concert encompasses Bruckner, Webern and Reinecke, but the real treat is reserved for after the interval...

Mozart’s Requiem is a musical work surrounded by romanticized stories that have taken on an almost mythical status.

A requiem is a musical setting of the words of the Latin Mass for the Dead; the circumstances of the composition of Mozart’s Requiem

Sefton Recommends

T

he student societies UNA Exchange, People & Planet, and Cardiff Student Jazz Society have put together this Trade Justice campaigns fundraiser which, fittingly, will fall at the end of Fairtrade Fortnight.

Tightly packed with impressively varied entertainment, expectations are high for this event - fancifully titled ‘Good Vibrations: A night of conscious cabaret’ - which covers all points from indie-folk to comedy sketch via jazz and face painting.

Wombat Jacuzzi will headline with original material in the acid jazz vein of The Young Disciples and The Brand New Heavies which will see pop hooks mingle with jazz credentials and sensibilities.

Japan Spring Night Concert @Aberconway Refectory Fri 11th Mar 7pm / £3adv

Support comes from Halflight (the singer of which, Sarah Howells, is pictured above). A Cardiff based group, Halflight stradles several genres but displays clear influence s from the likes of Nick Drake, Bjork and Damien Rice.

Also appearing will be singer, Flo Bill, who’ll be performing some jazz standards with the help of a Cardiff Student Jazz Society trio.

Act 1 lend their talents to provide some mirth with a comedy sketch.

Jack Watkins of One Mission will set up shop at the turntables with a family sized case of reggae records. An assortment of jugglers and face-painters will be on hand to keep spirits high and the proceedings colourful, and everyone can make some noise in a planned mass participation musical jam.

Schmit Recommends

T

his Friday four Japanese students join in the Cardiff’s centenary celebrations with the Japan Spring Night Concert, which is presented by Cardiff university Japanese Studies Centre.

Two students with distinguished skills in the traditional shamisen, a 3 stringed instrument, join a violinist and an opera singer to perform contemporary and traditional music from Japan.

are near Dickensian in melodrama.

The tale goes that Mozart was approached by a mysterious gentleman, acting on behalf of an anonymous benefactor, and was commissioned to compose the Requiem Mass just a few months before his untimely death at the age of 35.

Research has unveiled the elusive patron as Count Franz Von Wazlsegg-Stuppach who, having lost his wife a few months previously, wished to pass off Mozart’s composition as his own.

Mozart was terminally ill when he began the task of setting the Requiem and despite working on it to his deathbed, he died leaving it unfinished.

As the work had been paid for in advance, Mozart’s widow engaged the services of one of his pupils to complete the Requiem according to the intentions Mozart expressed in his notes and sketches.

This mysterious provenance, coupled with the deathly subject matter of the Requiem, makes for an electrifying musical experience.

The twelve movements of the requiem (don’t clap until the end!) explore various aspects of death: from ideas of peace and eternal rest to the fury of hell.

This really is a musical journey – well worth the reasonable ticket prices, especially as you’ll be supporting fellow students. St David’s Hall box office: 029 2087 8444.

Organisers will be donating all proceeds to Trade Justice campaigns and charity stalls will be in place on the night with information about current world trade rules and why there is a need for change.

More than 40% of the world's population live in low-income countries but these countries account for just 3% of world trade.

If Africa, East Asia, South Asia and Latin America each increased their share of world exports by just 1%, they could lift 128 million people out of poverty. The shocking injustice of the world trade system prevents this from happening.

Get down to Seren Las on Sunday 13th March, feel the good vibrations and add your weight, and your pennies, to the drive to make trade fair.

All profits from this event will be donated to the newly set up Children’s Hospital for Wales, so I’m sure that all support will be gratefully received.

The four performers are Masahiko Oshiro, Mamiko Kawakami, Yukako Takanashi, and Asuka Kurogi.

Oshiro, a Cardiff journalism student, has been playing the RyukyuShamisen for many years. After the success of Japan Week in Cardiff last November, he was inspired to

celebrate the cultural ties between Japan and Cardiff in the city’s centenary year.

Kawakami will be playing the Tsugaru-shamisen, the other type of 3 stringed Japanese guitar. She is studying for her MA in International Journalism in Cardiff University.

Takanashi, the violinist, has been plating the violin since the age of 3.

She has been a member of the Mehod String Orchestra for 6 years, performing in many charity

concerts as well as giving solo concerts in Japan.

Kurogi graduated from Tokyo National University of Fine Art and Music and is now studying at the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama. She also sang the Japanese national anthem before the Wales v Japan match at the Millennium Stadium.

Tickets are £3 and are available by calling 07754904958 Remember all profits go to the Children’s Hospital for Wales.

Listings

March 7 2005

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listings@gairrhydd.com

Behold gair rhydd’s much loved, and very nearly reliable, day by day listings.

If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. We might lie.

Monday07/03

Tuesday08/03

Wednesday09/03

Thursday10/03

Friday11/03

Saturday12/03

Sunday13/03

Venues

Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @Fun Factory The Live Music Society take over the Xpress Lounge. This week they present W1red and Jackals.

Live @Barfly Cherryfalls / Undercut / The Steers. The Anglo-Scottish quartet, Cherryfalls, were plucked from obscurity by Island Records back at the beginning of 2003 and have since hit the road hard, touring with the likes of Ooberman, Bell X1, and OK Go! 7.30pm. £5 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Performance / The Kabuki Mono / Seneca.

8pm. £5.

New Noise @Metros Billed as alternative therapy for the musically depressed. New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9pm and 10pm for the ledgendary, and almost mythical, double and mixer for 80p. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm.

Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house and beyond, in what is apromising new venture for Monday nights at Moloko. Specialist beer and spirit offers. 8pm-2am. Free.

Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff and Rowan. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing and singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm. £2/£1 if you sign up to perform.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter. 7-11pm. £1 NUS.

Quality Control @Taf, SU New night in the Taf hosted by top-notch DJ Killer Tomato, featuring local guest DJs spinning hip hop, funk, breaks and drum ‘n’ bass.

A brand new departure for the Taf and a very welcome one at that. 9pm-2am Free.

Fat Friday @Solus, SU A revamped Lashtastic. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

Live @Barfly Versus / Si Connelly / The Bleaches. Versus claim their philosophy amounts to nothing more than ‘booze and haircuts’. The songs tell a different story: sky-scraping tunes with gently beating hearts, effortlessly marrying the epic with the personal. 7.30pm. £5 adv.

Silent Running @Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm. £8.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach One of Cardiff's most treasured clubnights: a lo-fi offering of obscurities, rarities, and those records you just never hear on a night out, blended with big tunes that stand the test of time. The weekend starts here. 10pm. £3.50.

Chaos @Metros This is a real rock-type night. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to the heaviest funk, old skool classics, jump up party breaks and the best new music. Free entry before 11pm.

Heavy Quartet @Riverbank Hotel Excellent, ska-influenced jazz group with near a dozen members at full strength. 9pm. £4/£3 NUS. Acoustic Café @Toucan Bar As always. Free before 10pm, £3.50 after.

Live @St. David’s Hall The People's Prom. A taste of next summer’s Welsh Proms at this popular concert, with a programme chosen by last year’s audiences.

7.30pm. £5.50 Promenader (standing).

Japan Spring Night Concert @Aberconway Refectory See facing page for details.

Ladies’ Night @Solus , SU A night celebrating International Women’s Day. Drinks reception. Fashion show.

Exclusive makeover. Female outstanding acheivement award. All profits donated to Welsh Women’s Aid. 7pm. £4.

Comedy Club@Seren Las, SU This night always does well. If you want to see what the fuss is about get tickets early.

Good for a laugh. 8-11pm. £4 NUS. Live @Barfly The Cribs / Black Wire / The Story So Far. The Cribs are three brothers from Wakefield who successfully fuse The Smiths, The Supremes, and Slim Moon. They could make a great living selling the hooks they turn out every day to lesser artistes but choose to spend their lives in a riot van bringing tunes to the kids. 7.30pm. £5 adv.

Live @Club Ifor Bach The Noisettes / The DeBretts. 8pm. £5/£4.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, metal, goth. Pretty much the same as Metros, though in a slightly less sweaty dive.

9pm. £2.50.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm.

Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. One of the finest nights out to be had in Cardiff in the opinion of this soul fan. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing there. 7pm-2am. Free.

Open Mic @The Toucan You know how it works.

Live @St. David’s Hall Loz Speyer's Time Zone. In association with the Welsh Jazz Society. 8pm. £10.

Troilus & Cressida @The New Theatre Shakespeare for a fiver. Bargain. Tuesday Saturday. 7.30pm. £5 NUS. Salsa @Callaghans Learn salsa. Free.

Come Play @Solus Party tunes in the main room; hip hop, breaks, etc. in the Junction Bar; jazz, soul, Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 adv.

Athlete @Great Hall, SU Athlete's debut album 'Vehicles and Animals' was nominated for the Mercury Music Prize in 2003. They follow it with new album, 'Tourist'.

Before Athlete, the Deptford four piece were skate shop owners and gardeners. There is hope for us all. £14adv.

Live @Barfly Engineers / Clor / Pellumair. "The thing with us is that we're just so different. We don't sound like The White Stripes. We don't sound like Coldplay. We don't sound like anything current.

We don't do it deliberately. It's just the way our music turns out. We're not like anyone else." Engineers, London, 2004. That is what they all say, but, according to Barfly, in this case it actually has some basis in the truth. 7.30pm. £6 adv.

Uberalles @Barfly Expect the usual indie suspects and sweaty atmosphere. 10.30pm-2am. £3/£4 NUS. Sebon @Clwb Ifor Bach Really haven’t a clue. If I wasn’t busy I’d go down and find out. 8pm. £4.

Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Acoustic Cafe @ The Toucan DJ Captain Paranoid and Kris Jenkins downstairs. £3.50. Free before 10pm.

Live @St. David’s Hall Cardiff University Choir and Symphony Orchestra. See facing page for details.

Saturday @Incognito Swiss & pals from the house circuit of Wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool House, Escape. Until 2am.

Question Time @Great Hall Your opportunity to quiz the candidates for the Students’ Union elections. Free entry to Rubber Duck for participants. 6.30pm.

Rubber Duck @Solus, SU The Union’s midweek bonanza.10pm-2am £3.50/£3 adv.

Wednesday Social @The Barfly Relax, soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set. 12noon-2:30pm.

Live @Barfly Shape Of My Addiction / White Rabbit / Fivemiledrive / The Blackout / The Red October. Some bands play to bring a smile to faces. Shape Of My Addiction annihilate you with blood-curdling guitar riffs and intensity that resembles nuclear war. 7pm. £5.

Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors.

This is the overspill. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco.

Popscene: indie. Milky Bar: electric chill out and playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 NUS. Cheapskates @Metros Alternative & cheese. 9pm-2am.

Wednesdays @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Bread and Butter @The Toucan Night of hip hop and new beats. 10pm. £2.

Jane McDonald @St. David’s Hall The sensational Jane McDonald returns with a brand new show. 7.30pm. From £15.50.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm. Free.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.

8pm-1am. Free for members/£1 NUS. Miriam Higgins @Cafe Jazz The Cardiff Student Jazz Society presents its new monthly night, Cafe Culture. This month sees the very talented young singer, Miriam Higgins, performing choice selections from the world of jazz and beyond in her individualistic fashion. 8.45pm. £3/£2 NUS.

Good Vibrations: A Night of Conscious Cabaret @Seren Las, SU See facing page for details.

Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs' end of the week: ‘a night that takes you wherever you want to go.’ By which they mean ‘a night that takes you wherever you want to go so long as you want to listen to nothing but house music’.

8pm-12.30am.

No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3's and you be the DJ! Note the allusion to Mo Wax. An indication of wit and verve in the Moloko promotions department. We applaud you. Free entry.

7pm-2am.

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf Questions.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar The same. 8pm.

Acoustic Cafe @Toucan Bar Open mic sessions where anyone can get up and jam or just sit back, relax and listen. The Toucan provide the guitar and microphone; you provide the talent. Hosted by Peter and Lee. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Live @St. David’s Hall The Band of Her Majesty’s Royal Marines and the Pendyrus Male Choir. With special guest star Dennis O’Neill. The Annual Seafarers’ Charity Concert in aid of the King George’s Fund for Sailors and a celebration of the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar. This enormously popular concert is spectacular live entertainment. Yes, yes, yes, everybody give it up for the seamen. 7.30pm.

From £8.

Dopamine Album Launch Party @ Clwb Ifor Bach Kerrang say of Dopamine, "Highly polished emo songs, one of our favourites, ones to watch". Kerrang’s blessing will either have you gagging for this gig, or more likely, will have you making every effort to avoid it.

7pm. £5.

NUS: The Debate @Great Hall, SU Amidst all the controversy surrounding the referendum petition and the potential disaffiliationfrom NUS there is a real question as to the worth of NUS. Hear both sides of the argument and add your two cents if so inclined. 7pm.

Live @Barfly Live Music Society presents Yossarian / Prisoners Of The Sun / The Experiment.

7.30pm £3 NUS/£2 LMS members.

Devious @Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

National Student Music Awards @Clwb Ifor Bach Chikinki / The Henrees / Outhouse / Pippa Rogers. Go on, lick your ticket. 8pm. £6.

Metal @Metros Er... metal. 9-2am. Free with flyer before 11pm.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Popular hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night. 8pm-3am.

Free before 11pm.

Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul and hippy funk with The Pockets.

8pm-1am £3/£2.

Live @St. David’s Hall This concert celebrates the music of Leonard Bernstein, from the Candide Overture’s joie de vivre through to the monumental Second Symphony. The programme also includes John Adams’s scintillating The Chairman Dances, based on music drawn from his opera Nixon in China. 7:30pm. £6 NUS. Flowers From Tunisia @Sherman Theatre Reah, a woman slipping into the middle stages of dementia, rediscovers love with a young flower seller while reliving holidays in Tunisia with her recently divorced friend Rose. 8pm. £8.

Crossing the Bar @Chapter Arts Centre A rehearsed reading directed by Elen Bowman.

Crossing the Bar was shortlisted for both the John Whiting Award and BBC Wales’ Writer of the Year Award. Lucy Gough is one of Wales’ most respected playwrights with several of her plays produced for BBC Radio. 8pm. £3.

Student’s Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Molokos, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, St Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium If you can’t find it you’re silly www.millenniumstadium.com

“Four teams in real contention for the play-offs next month.”

Spor t gair rhydd

Fraser Watson, AU Vice President, March 2005

Winning streak continues Men’s hockey advance in BUSA Shield

Issue 782 7 March 2005 | Email: sport@gairrhydd.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

Back Page

IMG Action Featured matches include a basement battle Page 46

Below: Comprehensive guide to results, fixtures and tables

RESULTS

TABLES AND FIXTURES Netball Cup BUSA RESULTS Netball Cup Football First Round 02/03/05

IMG IMG

Second Round

Premier

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

3

2

0

10

11

2 Earth Soc

5 5

3

1

1

0

3 Law A

5

2

3

0

9

10 9

4 Accountancy

5

2

3

0

7

9

5 Banko FC

1

2

2

-2

5

6 Law B

5 5

1

2

2

-3

5

7 Economics

5

1

0

4

-10

8 Carbs B

5

0

1

4

-13

3 1

Pos 1 Engin A

I MG

Division 1 P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Japsoc

5

2

3

0

4

9

2 John Jenkins FC

5

2

2

1

4

8

3 Chemsoc

5

2

2

1

1

8

4 RP Lakers

5

2

1

2

2

7

5 Jomec

5

2

1

2

-2

7

6 AFC History

1

2

2

2

5

7 Carbs A

5 5

1

1

3

-5

4

8 Momed

5

1

0

4

-8

3

Pos

I MG

09/03/05

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Cardiff Dragons

5

4

1

0

9

13

2 Athletico Roy

5

4

0

1

12

12

3 Engin B

5

3

1

1

9

10

4 Architecture

5

2

0

3

-5

6

5 Dynamo C’turion

5

1

2

2

-1

5

6 Woodville S’ers

5

1

2

2

-4

5

7 Optometry

5

1

1

3

-10

4

8 Irish

5

0

1

4

-10

1

I MG

Division 3 W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Christian Union

5

4

1

0

6

13

2 Psycho Athletico

5

3

1

1

4

10

3 AFC Camp Allen

5

3

1

1

3

10

4 V’co de Pharma

5

3

0

2

4

5 Euros

5

2

0

3

-1

9 6

6 Inter Me Nan

5

1

1

3

-2

4

7 English Soc

5

1

0

4

-4

3

8 Socsi

5

1

0

4

-10

3

Law A v Economics Earth Soc v Carbs B Banko FC v Law B Engin A v Accountancy

AFC History v Carbs A Chemsoc v Japsoc RP Lakers v Jomec Momed v John Jenkins FC Division Two

Rugby IMG

Premier Division

Division One

P

Pos

Pharmacy B v Law A Medics 3rds v Psychology A Law B v Cardiff Uni A Pharmacy C v Cardiff Uni B Chemsoc B v Engin Cardiff Uni C v Chemsoc Carbs A v Carbs B Psychology B v Pharmacy A

Football

Division 2

Pos

09/03/05

Pool A P

W

D

L

GD

2

0

0

23

4

2 Pharmacy

2 1

1

0

0

24

3 MASTS

2

1

0

1

19

2 2

Division Three

4 Engine

3

0

0

3

-66

0

Inter Me Nan v Christian Union Vasco de Pharma v Socsi Psycho Athletico v AFC Camp Allen Euros v English Soc

Pos 1 Carbs A

IMG

Pts

Athletico Roy v Dynamo Centurion Architecture v Irish Society Woodville Screamers v Optometry Engin B v Cardiff Dragons

Pool B P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

2

0

1

15

4

2 Carbs B

3 3

2

0

1

5

3 Gym Gym

3

2

0

1

-13

4 4

4 Law

3

0

0

3

-17

0

Pos 1 SAWSA

02/03/05 ENGLISH 0 - 7 CARBS B ECONOMICS 5 - 13 LAW B PSYCHOLOGY B 18 - 2 SAWSA PSYCHOLOGY A 17 - 3 GYM GYM CARBS A 7 - 1 CHRISTIAN UNION SOCSI 3 - 13 LAW A OPTOMETRY B 4 - 6 MEDICS 3RDS CHEMSOC 17 - 4 OPTOMETRY

Football Results: 16/02/05 Premiership LAW A 1 - 1 BANKO FC EARTH SOC 3 - 1 ECONOMICS ENGIN A 1 - 1 LAW B ACCOUNTANCY 5 - 1 CARBS B Division One AFC HISTORY 2 - 2 RP LAKERS CHEMSOC 3 - 3 CARBS A MOMED 2 - 4 JOMEC JOHN JENKINS FC 0 - 0 JAPSOC Division Two ATHLETICO ROY 3 - 0 WOODVILLE SCREAMERS ARCHITECTURE 0 - 3 DYNAMO CENTURION ENGIN B 6 - 1 OPTOMETRY CARDIFF DRAGONS 2 - 1 IRISH Division Three INTER ME NAN 2 - 3 PSYCHO ATHLETICO VASCO DE PHARMA 3 - 4 CHRISTIAN UNION EUROS 1 - 2 AFC CAMP ALLEN ENGLISH SOC 2 - 3 SOCSI

RUGBY RESULTS 02/03/05

SAWSA 24 - 5 CARBS B CARBS A 12 - 10 ENGINE GYM GYM 19 - 15 LAW

Hockey Men’s 1sts 7-3 Hertfordshire Men’s 4ths 0-1 Bath 3rds (after extra time) Women’s 2nds 5-0 Gloucester

Tennis Women 10-0 Gloucester

Netball 1sts 35-41 UWIC

AU VICE’S COLUMN

By Fraser Watson AU Vice President OUR FIRST official BUSA points of the season have been confirmed after a superb week which saw both our waterpolo sides get through to the BUSA finals and our Rowing club pick up two golds at the ‘BUSA Head’ event in Nottingham.

It was also a good week for our hockey sides, with the men’s 1sts and ladies’ 2nds progressing further in the BUSA knockouts. Credit also to the men’s 4ths who lost in extra time against a strong Bath side.

The freezing conditions failed to halt our IMG footballers last Wednesday and the Premiership is set for a nervy climax with both Law A and Engin dropping points, leaving four teams in real contention for the league play-offs next month.

The Netball Cup got off to a great start and there looks to be some exciting ties in the next round, including Carbs A pitting their wits against their B team.

Congratulations to SAWSA, who this week clinched Pool B in IMG rugby, despite three teams finishing on four points.

Finally, congratulations to Natalie Lewis who gained a silver medal in the 800m at the BUSA Indoor Athletics Championships last weekend.

IMG Football

Page 46

March 7 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

S O C S I FOOTBALL UNDOES ENGLISH

By Chris Allen Football Reporter

PHOTO: Adam Gasson

SOCSI, WHO BEFORE this game had gone three games without scoring, avenged their 3-1 loss at the hands of English last time out to grab a vital 3-2 victory.

Without their regular ‘keeper Denny in goal, things looked bleak for Socsi, but an unlikely brace from centre-back Rob Rushton meant Socsi’s chances of finishing without the wooden spoon were greatly improved.

The game began in a scrappy manner with both sides opting for the longball tactic despite the blustery conditions. However, it paid off for Socsi inside five minutes, Matt Turtle latched onto a cross-shot from striker James Elgar and coolly slid the ball into the empty net.

But English got a double-lucky break soon after, when first Socsi stand in ‘keeper Ben Speed let the ball roll through his legs and then defender Craig Graham put the ball into the back of his own net to get English back on level terms.

After some heavy pressure on the English goal, Socsi snatched the lead back, centre-back Rob Rushton rising

highest at the back post to head home.

Socsi continued to look dangerous, with striker Elgar causing the English defence all sorts of problems.

But as half-time approached, English gained more confidence and finished the half the better team, unlucky not to be on level terms after blazing a shot over which they really should have buried.

The second half saw Socsi dominate, new boy midfielder Mike blazed over from close range, and Matt turtle missed numerous chances to add to their lead. But it was Rob Rushton who again rose highest to head home a corner and give Socsi a 3-1 lead with just 15 minutes left on the clock.

English now knew they had to pull something out the hat to avoid giving Socsi their first points of the campaign, and they almost did. First, Alan Clark made a mazy run into the Socsi box and smashed the ball home making it 3-2 with only minutes to go.

Then, with English sensing the fear in the opposing camp and stringing some nice passes together, Clark put a dangerous ball into the Socsi box, which somehow avoided everything and meant Socsi just hung onto a vital 3-2 victory.

Japsoc .................0 John Jenkins FC..0

CONTRASTING FORTUNES: Two Socsi players celebrate as English’s ‘keeper looks on in agony

HIGH HOPES, HIGH KICKS, NO GOALS Rowan Beloijica on last Wednesday’s Division One title clash

TOE POKE: No shortage of incident in this important game JAP SOC CONTINUED their unbeaten record in Division One of the IMG league with a thrilling draw against title rivals John Jenkins FC. John Jenkins will consider themselves unlucky not to have won a game they dominated in terms of possession, but both teams had plenty of chances to win a game that could have ended 3-3 were it not for some impressive goalkeeping, especially from Jap Soc’s outstanding Dan Reeves.

Jap Soc’s James Ilberry just couldn’t connect with a header from a good cross and Che Rouse-Amadi had an effort cleared off the line, while for John Jenkins the ever dangerous Mike Day produced a good save from a screaming volley. Chris Adams also saw his close range effort well saved by Reeves, which would be repeated later in the game.

Both teams also hit the woodwork from free-kicks; Fran Marsh hitting the post with a curling effort and Ross Lovell smashing the bar with Reeves

well beaten for the only time in the afternoon.

In the second half, John Jenkins stepped up a gear, midfielders Lovell and Nick Goodsell were dominant and this led to periods of sustained pressure.

Day made several good runs down the left and his crosses almost led to goals on more than one occasion. Liam Coughlan missed his side’s best chance when he shot wide after being played in

by Adams.

However, Jap Soc came closest to a goal in this period with Jamie Heggie making an instinctive save to stop an Oli Lake volley from opening the scoring.

And at the death, Luke Purse almost scored when a quick goal-kick caught out the John Jenkins defence.

While disappointed not to win, Jap Soc captain Oli Lake was happy with a point against a team who had a physical advantage, while counterpart Chris Adams believed his side should have won but called Jap Soc the most organised team his had faced this season.

PHOTO: Adam Gasson

Socsi 3-2 English Society

University Sport

March 7 2005

Page 47

sport@gairrhydd.com

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S MEN’S AND WOMEN’S TEAMS ARE THROUGH TO THIS MONTH’S BUSA WATERPOLO FINALS

By Olivia Waters Waterpolo Correspondent BOTH OF CARDIFF University’s waterpolo teams have clinched places in the BUSA finals after successfully negotiating the semifinals last weekend. The event, held in Walsall, produced fine victories for both the men’s and women’s teams.

With the women’s side having finished second and the men finishing third at last year’s finals, hopes were high going into the competition.

Both teams faced London, Newcastle and Nottingham in a round robin-style tournament.

The men opened with Newcastle and dominated from the start. A confident display led to a comfortable 10-5 victory. The much-fancied London team were next up, and a slow start mixed with a couple of unfortunate errors gifted the team from the English capital a 5-3 lead at half time. At the beginning of the second half, London pulled away and were leading 9-4, but a tactical change from Cardiff brought the best out of the team as the Welsh side closed the deficit to 9-7.

With Nottingham having edged out Newcastle 5-4 in a closely fought game, Cardiff went into their last game knowing that they needed to win to progress. When the time came, the Cardiff players rose to the challenge magnificently, taking a 3-0 lead in the first few minutes with goals from the inspired James Hadlow, Chris Taylor and, in his eighth BUSA campaign, Mark Taylor.

A well-judged time-out from Nottingham allowed them to regroup and they came back attacking

Cardiff, who dug in and weathered the storm, taking a 5-3 lead to halftime. Again, Nottingham competed well after the re-start, but a crucial goal from player-coach Charlie Hinder opened the flood-gates as Cardiff were cheered on by a massive sea of red support to an 11-4 victory. Matt Hewlett put away two final goals, including one from the penalty spot. Meanwhile, there were scenes of joy on the bench as the players were able to relax for the final few minutes, knowing that their place in the finals was safe.

The women enjoyed a rather less eventful path to the finals, opening with a devastating 12-3 victory over London, sending out a clear message to the watching Newcastle and Nottingham teams. Fresher Miriam Ridha was influential in keeping London’s main threat well under control, while captain Vicki Binks and Laura Smith were in deadly form in front of goal.

This was followed by a 5-0 victory over Nottingham, who were saved further humiliation by a mixture of good goalkeeping and poor finishing. The final game against Newcastle went to plan with a 12-2 win. Cardiff produced some stylish and flowing waterpolo that was full of skill and class, and the impressive team display owed much to the selfless teamwork put in by all players.

Both teams now have a couple of weeks of hard training and local league matches to improve their match fitness ahead of the finals.

Men’s captain Jon Holland commented: "It will be a tough competition for both teams at the finals, but one thing’s for sure, we’ll give it our best shot, then who knows."

Story continued from Back Finally Cardiff started to create chances from set plays and a fifth goal was imminent. It came from a short corner won by playmaker Rhodes. Duncan Courtney, returning to drag flick duties, duly scored the fifth.

As confidence grew, so did the level of performance. Gareth Owen and Joe Cornish were given more freedom to push forward and Hertfordshire struggled to contain the constant pressure. Rob Sparrow sealed his hat-trick with 15 minutes to go as he again found himself open in the D and placed the ball past the helpless goalkeeper.

Cardiff continued to dominate as Hertfordshire tired. Will Marshall drove into the D late on, forcing the goalkeeper to make a terrific save, the rebound met by John Collis who struck the ball towards goal, denied his fourth strike in two games by the width of the post.

Paul Hayes rounded off the victory with the team’s seventh and his second of the match in the last minute.

Skipper Tony Gough was delighted with the display: "It was a very professional performance; scoring 4 unanswered goals in the last match and another 7 today will put fear into the other teams left in the tournament.

"We are hoping for another home draw in the semi-final but no one will want to play us, home or away."

EARLY BATH FOR FOURTHS Bath 3s 1-0 Cardiff 4s (AET)

By Ed Jones Hockey Correspondent

MAKING WAVES: Men’s and women’s waterpolo teams are enjoying a successful season

A BATH WINNER, two minutes from the close of extra-time, sent Cardiff fourth XI out of this season’s BUSA competition.

It was cruel on the visitors, who had competed so superbly for so long. Cardiff managed to withstand intense pressure in the opening minutes, keeping the scores level with aggressive defending and some fine saves. A number of swift counter-attacks nearly produced goals but neither side seemed capable of breaking the deadlock.

With the game on the verge of penalty flicks, another bad umpiring decision saw the award of a Bath short-corner.

The winning-goal duly arrived to the horror of the tired visitors.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ HOCKEY FIRSTS’ GOALKEEPER FOILS ANOTHER HERTS ATTACK

GOING...

GOING...

...GONE

■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ PHOTOS: Nick Parnell

Spor t

Cardiff Hockey progress to BUSA Shield semi-final

PHOTOS: Nick Parnell

gair rhydd

Breaking Herts Cardiff 7 - 3 Hertfordshire

By Paul Hayes Hockey Correspondent CARDIFF HAVE progressed into the semi-final of the BUSA shield with an emphatic 7-3 victory over the University of Hertfordshire.

Cardiff got off to a perfect start with striker Nick Gough scoring within the first minute. Martin Freshman, playing out of position at right-back, linked up with John Collis to provide Gough with an inch-perfect cross, which he tucked away at the second attempt.

This lead only lasted several minutes, however, as Cardiff’s concentration lapsed and Hertfordshire equalised with a deflected free hit.

This inconsistency remained throughout the first half, as the home

side were unable to capitalise on the majority of the possession, missing easy chances in front of goal in open play and from short corners.

Hertfordshire took advantage of Cardiff’s missed efforts and took a 21 lead but Cardiff replied in positive fashion to score two quick goals to regain the lead. John Collis was again the supplier for Rob Sparrow to acrobatically finish from three yards out.

Sparrow scored the third as he found himself open in the opposition D and easily put the ball past the stranded goalkeeper.

The Cardiff midfield began to dominate, Chris Rhodes going close to extending the lead as he pounced on a rebound, striking the ball well, only to miss by several inches.

The introduction of Tom Moore as

an extra attacking force down the lefthand side provided Rhodes and Nick Gough with more of the ball, allowing them to put more pressure on the Hertfordshire defence.

This pressure paid off as a cross from the left found its way onto the far post and Paul Hayes gladly tapped in from close range on the reverse stick.

Unfortunately, Cardiff allowed the away side to get back into the game, a long ball from the 25 metre line opened up the defence and Hertfordshire at last found themselves in the Cardiff half, winning themselves a heavily disputed penalty flick.

Goalkeeper Ian Ferguson was unlucky not to save the flick after guessing the right way and Hertfordshire were back in the match, with the half-time score 4-3.

Captain Tony Gough inspired his team at half-time with some harsh

words and good technical advice.

Solid at the back and creative in midfield, Cardiff looked a new team in the second half and never looked like losing their lead, Will Marshall beginning

to see more of the ball and able to drive forward more often, winning fouls in and outside the D.

Story continued on Page 47

STICKING AT IT: Cardiff are proving hard to beat

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