gair rhydd - Issue 783

rhydd

gair

free word - EST. 1972

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

GOOD WILL LAUGHING Xandria Horton meets hot new comic Will Adamsdale ahead of his Cardiff gig

ISSUE 783 March 14 2005

FREE

NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04

GAME, SET AND MATCH Ladies’ tennis join the list of casualties from the BUSA knockout rounds

INTERVIEWS P14

SPORT P40

MASS DE EBATORS Cardiff and NUS go head to head over disaffiliation

By Matt Wilkin News Editor CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Students’ Union and the National Union of Students finally came head to head in the disaffiliation debate in the Great Hall last Thursday.

But despite the importance of the issue for the long term future of the Union, the event was marred by a poor turnout from the student population.

The majority of students were already wearing promotional material for both campaigns leaving the number of genuine undecided students at barely twenty, rendering much of the debate worthless.

Chaired by Professor Nigel Palastianger, Pro ViceChancellor for Language and Teaching, the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ panel answered questions from the audience about this week’s disaffiliation vote.

Representing Cardiff University Students’ Union were Gary Rees, Union President, Tom Gough, Campaigns and PR officer, Bethan Jenkins, President of the University of Wales Aberystwyth Students’ Guild (who are still NUS affil-

iated), and Jon Walsh, from the University of Southampton which is not affiliated to the NUS. The NUS was represented by Kat Fletcher, National President, James Knight, NUS Wales President, Matt Cook, from NUS Services Limited, and Rob Newman, a Cardiff University postgraduate.

The major issue for discussion was whether Cardiff receives enough to warrant an annual £50,000 NUS affiliation fee.

Defending the NUS affiliation fee, Fletcher was keen to emphasise that Cardiff would risk losing its national voice if it ceased to be a member of the NUS. She said: "Having a national voice means students can collectively fight for what is important. Just because the NUS is not headline news does not soften its power."

But Gary Rees countered with CUSU executive committee’s claim that they do not believe the NUS does enough for the students it represents.

"The NUS have little voice, the top-up fees were not stopped [in England] despite their best efforts," he said.

The Union also attacked plans for an NUS ‘Extra’ card, which would cost students ten pounds.

"We do not believe the students of Cardiff should have to pay for a discount card," Rees said.

"We are researching into what shops in Cardiff will give students discounts. There are some logistical hurdles but it is very feasible."

But Fletcher said: "The NUS ‘Extra’ card is a very controversial idea, I accept that. But those decisions will be made through democratic structures, and there will be a vote.

"If the card goes ahead, it will be optional. It will be down to the Cardiff students to decide whether they wanted to buy into the product or not. I don’t think [Cardiff University Students’ Union] will be able to compete with the discounts we have."

Questions were raised about the importance of NUS’ subsiduary company, NUS Services Limited (NUSSL), a purchasing consortium which currently assists the Union in keeping prices in its retail and catering outelts at a minimum.

Rees claimed a motion to retain NUSSL’s services would "keep options open" but Fletcher responded with "if it is more beneficial be outside the NUS, why is Cardiff still trying to benefit from NUSSL?" Additional research by Dave Menon and Nicola Menage.

News

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March 14 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

At

a glance March 14 2005 News Carrie Opinion Politics Interviews Taf-Od Jobs and Money Science Media Competitions Television Letters Five Minute Fun Problem Page Listings Sport

1 9 10 13 14 15 16 18 19 21 23 32 33 35 36 38

EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Holly Marshall, Bethany Whiteside NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Matt Wilkin, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION James Emtage, Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman, Will Schmit TELEVISION TV Willy, TV John, TV Katie, TV Manners, TV Grace LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant FIVE MINUTE FUN Bren Coopey TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews INTERVIEWS Xandria Horton MEDIA Bec Storey JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson PROOF READERS Ailsa Chalk, Carly Sharples, Hannah Perry, Elgan Iorwerth CONTRIBUTORS

Dave Menon, Nicola Menage, Jon Tuscany, Sophie Robehmed, Will Carson, Dan Ridler, Andrew Rennison, Caleb Woodbridge, Charissa Coulthard, Ed Vanstone, Tristan Banks, Lorraine Cavanagh, David Jarmain, Daniel Stanton, Ceri Morgan, Charlotte Ferrand, Will Carson, Rowan Belojica, Hannah Pole, Sally Phillips, James Woodroof, Tom Craine

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

STUDENT STRIKE

By Dave Menon Reporter

FURY ERUPTED at Oxford University a fortnight ago, as the entire editorial staff of its student newspaper staged a walkout following a row over press freedom.

The conflict began when former Drama Editor, Tom Littler, was dismissed after writing prominent reviews about his own plays.

Oxford Student Joint Editors, Tom Rayner and Anna Maybank, were subsequently fired for attempting to run a story on Littler’s dismissal.

Rayner and Maybank were sacked after refusing to comply with the board’s regulations, which stressed information on Littler’s dismissal should not go to print.

Following the decision to sack the editors, the entire editorial team voted to walk out in a show of support.

A statement released from the board, comprising of Oxford Sabbatical Officers, said: “The drama editor of the Oxford Student had two of his plays prominently and positively reviewed by the section which he edits”.

“The board considered this a clear conflict of interest, which risked the paper looking cliquey and biased”.

There were measures in place which prevents an editor from influencing reviews based on their own

APATHY

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter A RECENT POLL has revealed less than half of under-22s plan to vote in the forthcoming general election.

The results have sparked concern about political apathy as fewer than 42 per cent of firsttime voters plan to show party allegiance this May. However, studies have also revealed that 46 per cent have already voted for contestants in reality television shows such as Pop Idol and Big Brother.

Although nearly three quarters of young people profess to have an interest in political affairs, more than half questioned claimed not to know what a "constituency" is. In addition, a similar number had no opinion on who should be employed as Prime Minister.

However, concerning those who express a preference, votes were evenly split into three with Labour and Conservatives appealing to 31 per cent of voters and the Liberal Democrats to 30 per cent.

These results are wildly different to those concluded from polls conducted among the young in 1997, where Labour found favour with half of those questioned.

work.

The former Joint Editors believed they had been treated unfairly. They said: “We could not comply with a demand, which would have effectively violated the editorial independence, which is guaranteed to the newspaper in the student union constitution”.

The board adopted a different view and stated the Joint

Editors’ refusal to drop the story regarding Littler was “unnecessary” and “unhelpful”.

According to Roger Waite, a former

Deputy Editor of Oxford Student, the situation has been resolved.

He said: “Over the past few days, the board and ex-editorial staff came to an agreement which has clarified the procedures in place.

“Therefore, if this scenario happens again, both parties know the score and will act accordingly to avoid a breakdown in communication.”

“Editorial staff are currently being interviewed, as there is a turnover of staff each term. Once new editing staff have been appointed, I am hoping the procedures will be formalised”.

Dsylexia DNA

By Jemma Gander Reporter RESEARCHERS AT Cardiff University have discovered a possible cause of dyslexia.

The Department of Psychological medicine at the Welsh College of Medicine, Cardiff have discovered a gene that could lead to the condition in children.

The gene called KIAA0319 has been found to disrupt reading and writing skills in the brains of dyslexic children.

Professor Julie Williams, head of the research team, told BBC Wales: "We have known for a number of years there is a gene on chromosome six that confers susceptibility to develop dyslexia."

But the Cardiff team are the first to discover this gene that could prove vital for further research into the language disorder.

Ruth Madoc, the Welsh actress known for her part in Hi-De-Hi, is herself a sufferer of Dyslexia and told BBC Wales: "There will probably be a number of genes as well as environmental factors that contribute to dyslexia.

"Perhaps it may also tell us how it contributed to the way we process language normally, which is one of the major puzzles for neuroscience today."

Scientists in America have recently discovered that causes of dyslexia differ around the world.

A US study focused on Chinese children in place of the usual English language based tests, as the Chinese language is made up of symbols and not letters.

Results showed that Chinese children were affected in a different way to those who read and write in English.

According to figures released by

the BBC, Dyslexia affects five to ten-per-cent of the alphabetic language speakers, and approximately two to seven per-cent of Chinese children.

The new research from America disputes the existing theory that there is a single root cause for the disorder.

It is hoped that these new findings will shed light on the disorder and promote a fuller understanding of the effect it can have on reading and writing.

Professor Williams, of the Cardiff research team said: "This is a major breakthrough and the first study to identify one gene that contributes to susceptibility to the common form of dyslexia.

“We would like to thank all the parents and children who took part in the study and would extend a call to new volunteers to take part in this important research."

News

March 14 2005

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DOING (QUESTION) TIME Candidates quizzed ahead of this weeks elections

By Paul Dicken News Editor ELECTION CANDIDATES stepped up to the mic on Wednesday to dispel rumours that campaigns are just about the gimmicks and one-liners.

Each candidate was given two minutes to convince the 150 or so crowd that they were the right candidate for the job, before a short round of questions.

Union Secretary James Green

(left) asked the questions, which were screened by an NUS elections invigilator.

Although each candidate was cheered on by their respective campaign teams a large amount of the audience was constituted by neutral observers.

Most candidates highlighted the need to get students invoved in the election, citing the 3,000 or so turn-out at last year’s Union elections as a poor representation for the 20,000 plus student population at the University.

Other topics raised looked at improving links with national bodies, the community, and building on some of the good work acheived by this year’s Sabbatical team.

Another subject raised was the need for all Union officers to be as open as possible about their work and how it affects students.

Voting takes place on Monday and Tuesday this week at sites all over campus - see the manifestos for details on the candidates and voting stations.

The Our Price isn’t right SNAKE, RATTLE AND ROLL

By Jon Tuscany Reporter

STUDENT VOLUNTEERING Cardiff (SVC) have emerged victorious from a long-running dispute with Our Price thanks to a television watchdog.

‘X-ray’, produced by BBC Wales, were called in by SVC after getting nowhere with Our Price after the situation arose at last December’s Winter Ball.

The record company agreed to supply four signed gold discs from tstars such as Anthony Hopkins, the Stereophonics and Dido for a charity auction, with 50% of the proceeds going to SVC.

Red face day?

Just days before the auction was due to take place, Our Price contacted SVC to ask if they could reach a £500 minimum selling price on each of the items.

Unable to guarantee this at a student event there was no other option but to cancel the much anticipated auction.

SVC Social Seceretary Matt Joyce explained: “After studying the paper work it was clear the agreement involved no reserve price on the gold discs for the charity auction, and after our own attempts to reason with Our Price failed, we turned to X-ray as our last resort.”

The involvement of X-ray resulted in Our Price offering a Tom Jones gold disc valued at around £2000.

SVC Communications Officer Andy Marsh commented: “We are glad this matter has finally been resolved and hope to raise a lot of money for SVC with the auction of the Tom Jones memorabilia.”

Our Price have apologised for the upset but say the problem arose from misunderstanding on both sides.

They say that if SVC had contacted Our Price sooner to let them know that there was no minimum price indicated then “the whole situation could have been avoided.”

But SVC insist that they did tell Our Price over the phone.

SVC hopes to sell the gold disc at a specialist auction in London in the near future.

By Will Carson Reporter THE BISHOP of the Welsh Diocese of Menevia, a Catholic district which lincludes Swansea, Llanelli and Port Talbot, has denied that Roman Catholic schools in the area are forbidden from supporting Comic Relief.

It emerged last week that three schools in the area were banning Comic Relief due to fears that money raised would be used to fund abortions. However, Bishop Dom John Mark Jabale says that no such ruling has been made and the schools are free to support the charity.

The Bishop spoke out today after a colleague said that Catholic school pupils from St Joseph’s in Port Talbot, Bishop Vaughan in Swansea and St John Lloyd in Llanelli had been banned form taking part in Comic Relief. He said that he had been assured that funds raised would not go to groups supporting abortion.

But spokesman for the diocese, Father Michael Burke, said

not supporting Comic Relief has been its policy for the past 15 years.

“We have advised the schools not to raise money for Comic Relief this year simply because in the past, money raised has gone to agencies supporting abortion,” he said.

“The organisation has not been able to satisfy us that no money raised by our schools would go towards acts of abortion.”

Despite these claims, Bishop Jabale told BBC Wales that two years ago bishops from Wales and England had met to discuss their concerns over Comic Relief and where the money was going, but after careful examination of the funding they said they were happy with the evidence that Comic Relief provided. As a result of this meeting, the bishops said they have no concerns about Comic Relief at all.

Comic Relief was launched in 1985 to alleviate poverty and famine in Africa. Over the past 17 years, the organisation has raised over £250 million from eight red nose days.

A TWO-and-a-half foot long boa constrictor has been found by a teenage girl inside a South Wales club jukebox.

The Premier Club in Cwm, near Ebbw Vale, informed the RSPCA after the bar manager’s 13 year-old daughter had discovered the serpent.

Stacey Caldwell put her hand into the return coin slot and screamed when she touched the dead reptile.

Stacey’s mother, Jane Caldwell said: “She was looking to see if there was any money in the coin tray. She was very shaken and white. She was really frightened.”

She added: “We called the police and they put a table up against the jukebox, but the customers

wouldn’t go anywhere near it all night. The snake was left there overnight until the RSPCA could come and get it this morning.”

Keith Hogben, RSPCA animal collection officer who collected the snake said: “It was in good condition with no external injuries, so we aren’t sure how it died. We don’t know if it escaped and crawled into the jukebox or it has died and someone’s put it there as a joke, which isn’t funny.”

This type of boa constrictor is native to the rivers and forests of South and Central America. They can grow to more than 9ft long and kill their prey through asphyxiation.

Mr Hogben said that they are often imported to the UK as pets, but they require a lot of care to keep at home.

He said: “The snakes are quite cheap to buy, but you find that they take special care and equipment – we advise people to look into it properly before taking one on.”

He added: “They are not venomous, but they are constrictors and I wouldn’t have liked to have put my hand in the jukebox and found it. It must have been a shock to the girl.”

News

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March 14 2005

Gary rhydd news@gairrhydd.com

In the third interview of our Sabbatical series, Media Officer and Editor-in-chief Gary Andrews talks awards and socials with Bethany Whiteside

W

PHOTO: Adam Gasson

alking into the interview arena I was greeted by the familiar sight of Gary Andrews, Media Officer closing an interview deal on the phone.

Throughout my interview with him it transpires that this man does not sleep, exists on caffeine and talks to himself. A lot.

Protesting that the above is not completely true, Gary nevertheless admits that the role has been challenging, and one that he has fully enjoyed.

Whilst studying for a BA Hons in Journalism (for which he obtained a first), Gary held the position of Media Editor and campaigned heavily for the role he holds now.

This man does not sleep, exists on caffeine and talks to himself.

A lot

He eventually hopes to join the BBC Radio 4 or 5 team Talking of his expectations last year, Gary was not sure how confident to feel. “The other candidates were tough rivals, but I knew my manifesto was strong. Also, when campaigning I didn’t want to rely on gimmicks, but actually went all around Cardiff University talking to people and hearing their ideas.

“I firmly believed, and still do, that student voice and opinion are integral to the whole media equation. After all, that’s why it’s here, and why I wanted to be a part of it.”

Gary hails from Devon, a sleepy corner of the country, and his enthusiasm for Exeter City football knows no bounds. Other confessions include his penchant for work: “I am a self-confessed workaholic. Tristan [the previous editor], did an amazing job and I’ve been determined to maintain and

Societies Due to a technical problem, this candidate was omitted from the Election Special featured in last weeks issue.

Gary reveals a key secret of the paper’s success. “It’s not an understatement to describe Elaine, the editor’s assistant, as the glue that holds the whole thing together. She’s brilliant as a rock to rely on.”

Recounting his favourite memories of the year, gair rhydd socials play a huge part. “One of the main bonuses of working in this enviroment is the sheer amount of people you get to meet. The socials are a chance to let your hair down and also for people to see a less workaholic side to me. I’ve made some fantastic friends who I’ll definitely keep in touch with.”

KING DING-A-LING: Gary Andrews, the editor of gair rhydd, under a large sign expand upon that.”

His previous media repertoire is impressive, and Gary acknowledges that this has aided him as Media Officer. “I have previously freelanced for radio stations around Devon, and had work experience with Newsnight.”

Playing such an integral part in student life Gary must have many proud moments on which to reflect. “I was really chuffed with the third newspaper of the year we produced. That’s when the role I had to play really clicked; and I felt confident that I

could make a good job of it.”

Commenting on the personal qualities essential for this office, Gary emphasises the need to remain calm in the face of pressure. “It can be incredibly stressful holding responsibility for the production of gair rhydd, Quench and Xpress Radio. Also leading a team of fifty odd section editors and an additional hundred plus contributors, it is also essential to be a ‘people person.’

“Luckily my job has been made a hell of a lot easier by the fantastic editorial team working with me. I really

postgrad

How will you improve the running of societies and the support available to international and postgraduate students?

and

have to hand it to them, their hard work and determination has resulted in the paper and magazine’s success in recent award ceremonies.

“Last week we were greeted with the news that Quench had fought off rivals to win Best Student Publication at the EMAP Fanzine awards 2005.

Previously we were runner-up Magazine Of The Year at the Guardian Student Media Awards. Next time I think we have a good chance of winning it.”

Reflecting on the challenge next year’s Media Officer will take on,

international

Rhianon Ebsworth

TO INTRODUCE an “Evening League” which will allow students, especially Postgrads on full time courses the opportunity to play sports matches on a regular basis, along with an improvement in the Postgrad social events calendar under a “PostGrad NOT Past It” campaign.

To build on success of the Refreshers Fayre and Global

Gary believes his ‘year out’ as Media Officer will be hugely beneficial for his future choice. Following postgraduate study in Broadcasting, he eventually hopes to join the BBC Radio 4 or 5 team: “It’s definitely what I’m aiming for. Knowing you’re relaying knowledge and information, and being part of a medium whereby people can express their opinions is an amazing feeling.”

Concerning the current NUS disaffiliation debate raging within the Union, Gary emphasises the importance of student media in giving students the facts so they can reach their own conclusions. “This is a key example demonstrating the necessity of student media. Students need to be well informed and know both sides of the debate.”

officer

Village with increased publicity and encouraged student participation.

To hold a weekly surgery in the Heath to ensure regular contact with Med students.

Help the integration of international students into Uni life by dedicating a section of the “What’s On Guide”, lending advice of dayto-day problems and FAQs.

World News

March 14 2005

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THE POWER OF CINEMA

By Paul Dicken News Editor AN INDIAN film starring a leading Pakistani actress has generated outrage and national debate in Pakistan.

The film Nazar features the Pakistani actress, Meera, kissing her Indian co-star Asmit Patel.

Despite being seen by some as another step in the progress of strengthening cultural ties between India and Pakistan, others, including government officials, have condemned the film.

Comments from the Pakistan Online website described the kiss as ‘against Islamic, ethnic and moral values’.

The Guardian reported, although Pakistani films frequently contain suggestive dancing and singing, kissing is often censored. Meera has described the kiss as "Pakistan kissing India," and said Nazar was a beautiful film between two countries.

There were suggestions that Meera’s family had received threats, although her father played down reports, including speculation that Meera could be forced into exile.

Pakistani officials denied intending to fine the actor or ban her from working in India.

Although the film will not get an official release in Pakistan, banned Indian films are often watched in Pakistan on cable television or pirate DVDs. The conflict of opinion in Pakistan ranged from abuse in Internet chat rooms to a journalist saying: "Older people say it’s a disgrace to see a good Muslim girl kissing a Hindu boy, but among the younger lot, we couldn’t care less."

The easing of tensions between India and Pakistan has been marked by the imminent bus service that will operate across the Kashmir border.

While The Sunday Times of India has recently launched a classifieds section which will allow lonely hearts to

World News in Brief

By Paul Dicken News Editor SAVE THE CHILDREN charity has released the findings of a report claiming 60 million girls are missing out on school.

This is a higher proportion than boys, and the charity have asked the UK government to increase its overseas aid and promote fairer education chances for females.

Discrimination and poverty are the main reasons for the numbers missing out. Often, if families cannot afford school fees then girls in the family miss out.

The gender gap in education is at its highest in sub-Saharan Africa where only five percent of girls in some countries attended school. In India and Pakistan 40% didn’t reach the end of their first year at primary school.

PARADISE NOW: characters from the film that depicts the last 24hrs of two suicide bombers hook-up across the border.

The section’s title Love over Country (LoC) plays on the term Line of Control used for the Kashmir border that has been the source of conflict between Pakistan and India for years.

The film Paradise Now about Palestinian suicide bombers was unexpectedly granted financial help from Israel at the end of February.

Made by the Palestinian born director Hany Abu-Assad, Paradise Now depicts the life of two young Palestinians chosen for a suicide mission in Tel Aviv.

Mainly filmed in the West-Bank city of Nablus the film is based on the interrogation transcripts of failed suicide bombers.

The Israeli Film Council announced it would help finance the distribution of Paradise Now. Katriel Schory, Director General of the Council, said: "I think no matter what, the film will find release in Israel. The producer may not find a distributor, but he may make a direct contact with cinema

owner - Either way, I will help them."

Winning an award at the Berlin film festival for best European film (it was made with collaboration between Dutch, French, Palestinian and German producers), it has already secured European distribution.

Schory said: "I think there will be certain Israelis that will want to go and see it. The script tells us of the big dilemmas of the situation that these two young friends find themselves in…I think it is not a bad idea to understand the circumstances, the psyche and everything involved in these terrible steps."

Hany Abu-Assad, who also cowrote the feature, described it as "fiction in 100% reality."

He said the film’s characters "are human, whether you like it or not, even the suicide bombers are human.

They make extreme decisions in an extreme situation."

Last month the Berlin Film festival awarded its most prestigious award to the South African film U-Carmen e-

Khayelitsha (Carmen in Khayelitsha), a reworking of the opera Carmen.

Translated into Xhosa (the langauge of a South African township), the film surprised many, beating favourites to the top award. Starring a heroine who works in a cigarette factory, it features a 40-strong music and theatre cast.

One of the favourites for the top Berlin Film Festival award was Sometimes In April, one of four films being released based around the genocidal killings that occured in Rwanda in 1994.

On Wednesday trials began in Rwanda, in specifically set-up village courts to try the huge number of people who were involved in the killings.

80,000 people died from Tutsi and moderate Hutu ethnic groups.

The release of the films, including Hotel Rwanda, co-insides with the 10th Anniversary of the tragedy, commemorated last week by 65,000 people beneath banners that read: ‘Never Again’.

Chinese Crackdowns China put forward a law yesterday allowing an attack on Taiwan if the country tried to move towards formal independence.

The move provoked outrage from Taiwan who denounced China’s actions as violating international conventions for resolving disputes.

Indirect trading exists between the two countries, although direct trading links are illegal.

Figures released last month showed that the Chinese government shut down 12,575 internet cafes at the end of 2004.

Internet cafes in China operate under a strict licence to crack down on”immoral net use”, this includes restrictions on how close internet cafes are to schools.

Online traffic in China is also monitered for politically sensitive material.

How to end world poverty

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter A PROMINENT American economist has argued in his groundbreaking book that the current American generation could end world poverty Jeffery Sachs, whose roles include Director of the Earth Institute, Professor of Health Policy and Management at Colombia University, Quetelet Professor of Sustainable Development, and Special Advisor to UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, has been described by the Times as ‘one of the 100 most influential leaders in the world.’

In The End of Poverty – How We Can Make It Happen In Our Lifetime, Sachs writes: "Currently, more than eight million people around the world die each year because they are too poor to stay alive. Yet, the US and

abroad can choose to end extreme poverty by the year 2025."

Sachs draws on 20 years of experience working with leaders in state, health, finance and science in over 100 countries. By uniting environmental, economic, political and public health disciplines Sachs gives a practical explanation and solution to the world’s poverty problem.

Significantly Sachs argues individuals as well as international and government bodies can change the course of history. But, concerning prolonged poverty in Africa, Sachs blames climactic and geographical situations for causing disease, death and destruction.

In The End of Poverty Sachs emphasises that North America, one of the world’s superpowers, is paying a far smaller proportion of their income in aid than was previously promised in 2002 when Bush signed the Monterrey Consensus commitment at the International Conference on Financing

SACHS: planing for the future for Development. The agreement was for 0.7% of US national income to be used for foreign development.

Although other countries in the developed world failed to deliver, sta-

tistics show America was the worst to perform.

Sachs says: "In 2002, the US gave $3 per sub-Saharan African. Taking out the parts for US consultants and technical co-operation, food and other emergency aid, administrative costs and debt relief, the aid per African came to the grand total of perhaps 6 [cents]."

Sachs also criticises America’s overwhelming emphasis on the military. Only a 30th of the "nearly $500bn [260bn] the US will spend this year on the military" is paid in foreign aid.

Sachs also stresses the need to "rescue the IMF and World Bank" which he insists have been used like debt-collection agencies for the big creditor countries.

US officials have hit back at criticism arguing that much of their aid is donated privately and in the form of military assistance when international crisis arises.

BEIJING: taking a hardline

Africa Slavery In Niger, 7,000 slaves failed to arrive for the celebration of their freedom. Slavery has now been banned across Africa, but the inherited practises of slavery still exist in some countries.

A local human rights group, Timidria, announced the release of 7,000 Niger slaves, but blamed government threats for the absences.

The government denied the claims, while statistics from the American Anti-Slavery Group estimates that over 200,000 people work as slaves along the ancient Arab-African Sahara trade routes.

The UN and human rights groups are reported as saying that conditions of slavery persist in Africa’s north and west. Niger made slavery illegal in 2003.

News

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WHICH WILL BE THE As the debate on the future of Cardiff University Students spends some time talking with James Knight and Gary Rees WALKING BACK FROM the NUS Wales offices at Windsor House, we booked James Knight, NUS Wales President, also known as JK, into the union building just after seven o clock on Tuesday evening. He seemed in good spirits, despite having his life membership of Cardiff Union suspended for the duration of the debate.

You could almost say that he found the whole thing wryly amusing.

When we began the interview, however, a much more concerned JK came across instantly.

"Instead of protecting student rights," he said, the frustration evident, "I’m having to spend my time ensuring that we have a collective voice and that Cardiff doesn’t disaffiliate. I hope the sabbatical officers realise that." Unable to provide an adequate answer, I chose to dive into the interview immediately.

So I asked, what precisely, in your opinion, does Cardiff stand to lose from disaffiliating? Without a moment’s thought he launched into his answer.

Knight intervened. "Yeah and ironically there were more people from Edinburgh than from Cardiff at the anti-fees march I believe."

Obviously I can’t confirm the figures but I take his word for it. More importantly though, is it the case that Cardiff is leaving at a time when the NUS is pulling together?

"Well, NUS has undergone a great reform recently and the nature of that reform is that we are going to have some people who don’t like it and others who are more realistic, and maybe realise that they have to swallow one or two bits they don’t like, to see a better NUS. It’s a growing organisation, becoming not just member led but with participation rates in excess of any other SU in, well, the world."

He went on to add "I think it would be a shame for Cardiff to leave at a time when it could have a real impact."

This was the one I had been waiting for all along anything to say to the sabbatical team at the head of the ‘Yes’ campaign? A smile briefly flashed across Knight’s face and after a brief chuckle, undoubtedly belying the fact that there are many things he would like to say to them, he continued.

“If 22,000

students save £48 then that comes to a lot more than £50,000”

"That’s an interesting question because the effects of collectivism are rarely tangible to the individual student. There are things like the NUS card, of course, that saves each student on average £48 a year. If all 22,000 students in Cardiff save that then it comes to a lot more than £50,000."

A pause for breath before launching into the corporate side. "Inside NUS Services limited [the NUS purchasing consortium] whether beer is five pence cheaper or more expensive…the main thing is that you won’t find any other trading consortium which is set up by students for students.

“NUSSL," he continued, " is democratic which means that CUSU gets to have a say in what they want to sell and whether this is ethical. You won’t get this in another trading group."

It was quickly becoming clear to me that this was a man who knew his stuff and believed in students rights and ability to support themselves. Not that I would have expected less from

“I think it

FIGHTING ON ALL FRONTS:James Knight NUSW President urges Cardiff to stay the President of the Welsh NUS. So, the next question I wanted to know how JK thought CUSU would cope by itself? The answer wasn’t the expected terrible, which threw me off balance, but soon it made perfect sense.

Cardiff will, apparently, still benefit from the actions of NUS, because their activities affect all students. So if NUSW fought successfully against top-up fees Cardiff students would benefit too, even if we haven’t paid our subs. However, as JK says, "This is just freeloading, it’s cheeky and rude".

"In terms of actual benefits, one of the things I am constantly frustrated by is that they say they are going to save £64,000. Firstly, I dispute some of those figures, like £7,000 on the NUS conference when it’s a free conference. I don’t quite know how they manage to spend that, £64,000 though. They haven’t actually said

exactly where they are going to spend it and if they’re serious about that saved money then that’s what they should talk about, not broad promises that don’t actually count for much."

“If Cardiff is affiliated our message will be louder” Again left without any useful comment to make, I agreed and moved on.

Thinking about the recent article in gair rhydd about other potential disaffiliations, I asked how NUS Wales would cope if the referendum went against them. Would Cardiff subs make a difference?

No apparently. "NUS Wales is subsidised by NUS central because there are more universities in England and

they redistribute so that those with less money can benefit as well." So no real financial blow then?

"Not particularly no,” he replied, "but what concerns me is the strength of our collective voice. At the moment every higher education institute in Wales is affiliated to NUS and that means the majority of students agree with NUS, at least theoretically. If Cardiff aren’t affiliated then we weaken the message we can bring. The more people you have shouting, the louder your message and if Cardiff is affiliated our message will be louder."

Clearly, there is much more to this than just the monetary aspect.

I moved on to use a piece of knowledge I had picked up shortly before the interview on the results of similar referendums at other universties. So, I questioned, with London School of Economics, Newcastle and Surrey all voted overwhelmingly to stay in NUS, and Edinburgh recently re-affiliated,”

would be a shame for Cardiff to leave at a time when it could have a real impact”

"Is it just about the money? If it is, then they know that NUSSL gives them retrospective discounts and I challenge them to put into the public domain what that NUSSL benefits statement says and how much they get back." Anything else, I checked? In fact, there was. "Why have they done this [now]? I think that they knew NUSW would be focussing on campaigning to stop fees [associated with the Rees report]?

Finally then, as I drew the 15 minute interview to a close since I knew Knight was eager to get off to London that evening, I questioned if he wanted to say anything to the students voting in the referendum?

"Vote no, keep your national voice.

It’s not just a card or cheap beer, it’s about whether you, as students, and your brothers and sisters, will be able to get a high quality higher education”

News

March 14 2005

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news@gairrhydd.com

FACE OF THE FUTURE union within the NUS comes to a head this week, Dan Ridler the Presidents on both sides of the controversial argument PULLING GARY REES off his campaign trail for the ‘Yes’ campaign at the last minute, he kindly agreed to an interview with me. Ten minutes later, I kicked off with my first question to an eager Gar y who was bustling to communicate his point.

"Is there anything you want to say about the NUS or this campaign before we start properly?" I asked.

Rees jumped on the opportunity early to get in his reasoning for the campaign.

"For me," he began "what the NUS has told us is that they’re there to provide representation for students, representation for students’ unions and to offer support and advice to students’ unions. This isn’t what we get at Cardiff. Those who know, know it’s time to go, simply because we’re covered by myths and lies from the NUS." He continued: "Our union has come to a stage where our non-commercial services, and services that thousands of our students use, are under funded."

with, because it’s hundreds and hundreds more than we’ve had in previous years."

"There is that affiliation to the NUS and we are a member with the rest of the 5.2 million students but that’s just saying that we’re a member. It’s not actually benefiting us. I genuinely and truly don’t believe that we will lose out on anything major and there will be no real disadvantage to our students from leaving NUS. In fact, they’ll benefit."

A very comprehensive answer indeed. Now onto the next question.

What do you have to say to the people at NUS Wales? This time, there was a moment’s concentrated silence. Rees clearly wanted to get this right.

"I understand that they’d like Cardiff to stay because there’s a fear for the future of the NUS in Wales were Cardiff to leave it’s one

“They’d like

Cardiff to stay because there’s a fear for the future of the NUS in Wales were Cardiff to leave”

“What is

important now is that we use the money where the students want it to be used.”

“We need to develop them and at the end of the day, if we’re duplicating the services that NUS offer us, which we are, we need to take that £64,000 back. It doesn’t need to be £64,000 even, £50,000 is our official affiliation fee and the other fourteen is made up of paying to go to their conferences and their training, which for us are ineffective and unrepresentative of our student body.

“What is important now is that we use the money where the students want it to be used. It’s their decision to vote yes or no, but I want their money to be answered for, and to go where they want it to go.”

An interesting and passionate lead to the interview, and now we were both warmed up, I posed my first proper question. What does Cardiff stand to gain from disaffiliation?

Again, Rees was immediately

I WANT TO BREAK FREE: Gary Rees accuses NUS of not delivering on promises back with his answer. "I think that the most important thing we stand to gain is that we can now concentrate on effective representation in areas where our students need representing most. Using alternative outlets of national voice, such as the Aldwych group, which is an effective and developing national voice and outlets such as the Welsh presidents’ forum.

“Its about developing a strong national voice without political bias. In addition, it’s time that we re-invested money in our union services, such as societies, volunteering and media services, and our student development unit, where thousands of students will be able to benefit every year. We can then dispel the myth that it’s being in the NUS that gets you your discounts and that’s the only outlet where you can get your discounts."

There was no stopping him now, in full swing, Gary pressed home his point. "We know, for a fact, that we can develop a student card here at Cardiff that can offer relevant discounts both in Cardiff and

“Those who know know that its time to go” nationwide for our students. We also need to dispel the myth that it’s being with National Union of Students Services Limited that gets us cheap beer and cheap food in the shop for example. It’s not true."

Continuing into my next planned question, Gary hit back at the NUS. "The NUS is inefficient, it has been

for years. They’ve promised change and reform, and again they promise it this year. They’ve been needing the change and reform for years and now it’s time, like many other unions in the country, where people in that union know it’s time to go, to stand up and say let’s move forward, let’s develop more effective ways of national voice."

Now well into his oratory flow, Rees clearly had an idea in his mind of where he was going to take the argument. "They [NUS] can throw over 5.2 million student figure at us every year. Yes, there’s over 5.2 million members of the NUS, but at the end of the day, how many step out to national demonstrations? For example, we campaigned hard at Cardiff to get our students on the national demonstration. Just over 1,400 students from Cardiff attended, which we were very pleased

of their largest members.

We don’t want to stop working with unions across Wales, we want to actually strengthen our bonds without political bias and are actually working to lobby the Welsh assembly to respect unions and students in Wales and work on a nationwide. We have to think about Cardiff students and students nationally."

A fair comment, and not one I felt required a response or continuation, so I moved on to my next question. Knowing that Gary was eager to get back to campaigning, I thought that perhaps I should make this my last one. Any messages for the voters?

"Take time to respect both sides of the argument," was the message Rees wanted to get across, "and make the right decision for yourself and your fellow and future Cardiff students. Think about how much the money is needed in your union and what it can do, make the right choice."

Carrie

March 14 2005

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columnist@gairrhydd.com

Carrie BRANDED A RECENT POPULUS poll for The Times has shown that the Conservative’s immigration policy is more popular than the Labour party’s.

Yet support for Michael Howard’s party is considerably lower because of the unappealing nature of the ‘Tory’ label.

So what on earth can the opposition do in light of this evidence?

Short of disaffiliating with the Tory brand name and re-launching themselves with a completely spotless and untainted identity, the answer is unclear.

Howard is aware that his party is lagging in the opinion polls, but it remains uncertain as to exactly why this is the case. Is it a problem of leadership? Having three leaders in the past five years may be cause for concern, but this says more about internal party confidence than it does about national popularity.

The Populus poll is tangible evidence that the difficulty does not lie entirely in party policy. If people are agreeing with the Conservatives’ proposals in the run-up to the general election then there is little else Howard or any other Tory can do to ‘woo’ voters.

Perhaps it lies in the lack of distinction between Labour and the Conservatives. Asking poll participants to play a game of spot the difference between the policies of Labour and those of the Conservatives shows how analogous their proposals are becoming.

If this is the case then the Tories should go back to their grass-roots and re-establish themselves as a credible opposition to New Labour.

They should come back with a new name, Latin for ‘honest’ or ‘loyal’ maybe, and a few new faces and then perhaps voters can reassess what the party has to offer.

Robert Kilroy-Silk will no doubt prove that this is not always successful, but it is the only option for the Tories if personality politics are going to dictate who runs our country for the next five years.

FARWELL

GIVES AS GOOD AS SHE GETS

Segregate to educate?

W

hatever happened to the old-fashioned way of streaming school children based on academic ability rather than skin colour?

This time-honoured practice is clearly proving too traditionalist and ordinary for some people and they have decided, ironically enough, that racial segregation may in fact be a way forward.

Of course the British education system is in urgent need of a shake-up, and since Ruth Kelly has failed to take advantage of this, someone else has to.

But is this really the job for Trevor Phillips, the head of the Commission for Racial Equality?

Last week, Mr Phillips suggested that underachieving black boys may benefit from being taught separately from their white peers in some classes.

Put simply, is this not a call for racial segregation? Are we not witnessing the head of the race relations watchdog advocating division? Is he not putting aside the very philosophy of integration that underpins his commission?

It is hard for Mr Phillip’s suggestions not to be taken as a call to step backwards half a century and return to the days when racial segregation in schools was the norm across much of Britain and America.

And who can blame the government for rejecting his proposals and not wanting to regress back to the 1950s?

Legal concerns Mr Phillips told policy makers that they should be prepared to think “outside of the box” if they wanted to tackle underachievement in black boys.

But just how far outside of this box is he expecting legislators to go?

Apart from being highly offensive

and derogatory, headteachers have warned that Mr Phillip’s proposals would be illegal.

The Department for Education and Skills has also said that such a scheme would cause ‘negative effects’ and risked ‘stigmatising’ black pupils.

But aside from the obvious, the calls reflect how Mr Phillips is fundamentally missing the point. He recently told BBC One's Inside Out programme that many black boys were suffering from a culture where it was ‘not cool to be clever’.

“A solution cannot be found when ethnic distinctions are unnecessarily accentuated” Surely he is failing to comprehend the reality that children of all racial groups, ages and gender suffer from the ‘too cool for school’ syndrome, the problem is not simply limited to black boys.

Standards in schools are low for a variety of deep-seated social reasons reasons that go far beyond skin colour.

Making people feel different because of the colour of their skin is reductive and ignores the wider problems that contribute to low standards in schools.

It is not enough to label the problem with the most obvious distinction that can be found, and then expect to see standards rise by separating black

from white.

Speculation Surely the assumption that skin colour can determine an individual’s need for extra help in the classroom is completely absurd and will lead to harmful speculation about the educational rights of children?

For example, does the effective labelling of black children as ‘problem children’ mean that they will receive an enhanced education in these proposed racially-divided classes?

Does it prioritise the needs of an underachieving black child over those of the underachieving white child?

And does it, therefore, mean that Mr Phillips wants to deprive the white boy from a single-parent family, from receiving this special academic training?

And what about underachieving girls - should they be a factor in the equation or is it enough to overlook their needs when race is apparently the issue?

The alternatives There is little doubt that raciallydivided teaching will harm both teacher and pupil expectations, and could well lead to poorer standards if black boys are typecast into special categories for those that fail to make the grade.

Statistics do show that black children are falling behind their white classmates at GCSE level, but more importantly there are signs that this gap is narrowing. And this closing gap shows that the answer cannot lie in segregation.

Multi-racial problems such as peer

Trevor Phillips pressure, financial hardship, singleparent families and negative messages from the media, all work to influence children regardless of what colour they are.

The solution cannot be found when barriers are created in society and when ethnic distinctions are unnecessarily accentuated.

We are better off searching for resolutions by dealing with issues such as poor parenting, or combating culturally illiterate teachers and changing attitudes towards education.

In addition, initiatives such as mentoring schemes and additional schooling for underachieving pupils have proven valuable for schools up and down the country.

What we should not be doing is looking for answers in racial differences, this can only work to widen disparities and maintain a divide.

Making children feel different because of their skin colour is far from laying the foundations for a racially harmonious society in the future, and it shouldn’t require us to think “outside of the box” in order to recognise this.

Agree? Disagree? Email me at columnist@gairrhydd.com

Editorial & Opinion

Page 10

March 14 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd

FREE WORD

B

y the end of this week we will know the answers to two important questions.

Firstly, who will be running the union next year? Secondly, will these people even be running a union that is affiliated to the NUS? It is not an exaggeration to say that this year’s elections could be the most significant and important Cardiff University Students’ Union has seen You can’t have failed to notice the candidates out on the campaign trail over the past week. Some have been more high profile than others. Some have used amusing gimmicks to grab your attention.

But neither of these should fool you. Just because a certain candidate has a funny slogan or the most posters up doesn’t necessarily mean they are the right person for the job.

Indeed, if you speak to some of the candidates and read their manifestos it is quite clear that there are people who are not only up to the job but could actually take the Students’ Union backwards as opposed to pushing towards world-class status.

But, as with every year, it is your job to ensure this doesn’t happen. If everybody who voted read the manifestos and voted because they agreed with a candidate’s policies then this would stand the union in good stead.

Sadly, there will be a large number of students who simply vote because they find the gimmick funny. Students are a cynical bunch and can see through gimmicks from political parties – why should candidates running in this election be any different.

At the same time there is the NUS vote. This will be quite unlike any vote the student body will have seen before. It is not just one candidate after your vote but two highly organised groups who both believe passionately they are doing the right thing.

We have pushed the line about reading around the subject and making an informed vote so many times, that we’re in danger of sounding like a stuck record, but this notion is as true today as when the story of disaffiliation first appeared.

By the time you read this the debate in the Great Hall will have come and gone, both sides will be out in force and claim and counter-claim will have been bandied around campus.

Just because a member of the ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ campaign shouts slogans at you doesn’t mean that you should vote for them. If you disagree with one of their arguments then put them on the spot and challenge them. There is nothing wrong with questioning the status quo or the potential usurper.

This decision is about more than money, as the ‘Yes’ campaign claim or losing your national voice, as the ‘No’ side will push at you. There are issues that go deeper than this. Only you can decide if the claims from both sides add up to a coherent argument.

You are an empowered voice, you can make a difference, your vote does count. Use it wisely.

James Emtage’s Student Stereotypes Dizzy: the fickle Union Election voter

D

izzy is in a right old spin, and doesn’t know what to do about the current dilemma she’s in. The problem is, that it’s election week in the Union, and several contending candidates have all won her over to give them her vote.

You see, Gav, who’s running for AU President, is really fit, and knows her mate Sasha who once pulled his mate Dom. And Jack, who’s running for Campaigns and PR Officer, is really bloody funny, and has been seen taking his top off in Solus to

show all and everyone his chest bearing his slogan ‘Jack The Lad, I Ain’t So Bad’. Plus he’s quite fit too.

She’s loving the attention of the football lads ‘chatting her up’ and flirtatiously placing their stickers in the obvious places, and has vowed to them all that whichever one kisses her the most will receive her support for sure.

But ask her what policies these attention grabbing guys are standing for and she’s pretty much stumped.

"Policies? Umm…some girl with a floor length skirt mentioned

something about recycling," she remarks vaguely while eyeing up the guy leading the Chippendale Campaign (“Charlie the Chippendale – He’ll Beef Up Your Union!”). "But I just think the boys are really funny.

I’m sure they’ve got policies really."

"If only we knew them", thinks the girl in the floor length skirt, who’s been passionate about her stock of policies since she was a mere fresher three years ago.

It’s not just Dizzy and her posse of girlies that are easily swayed: Shayne, Kev and Pete are preferencing their

votes in which girl’s displayed the most cleavage and which one would look best in lycra.

And these lads and lasses will probably get in, and Dizzy and Shayne and all their friends will be really pleased. After all, the President Dizzy’s voting for has promised to give her free chuppa-chup lollies if she ticks his box.

That’s right Diz. Who wants policies on the environment, recycling, health care, top-up fees and other such trivial issues when free boiled sweets are on offer?

The Democratic Days, don’t balls up the ballot

By Andrew Rennison

I

n a perfect world, upon overhearing this sentence: “It’s not so much the voting that I hate, as the thinking that’s involved”, I would turn my head, spy a stranger laughing off a sarcastic remark, and let out a personal sigh of relief that such a one-liner was said without sincerity.

I wish I could tell you that. But dammit, I cannot.

I quote the perfectly serious voice of a student walking with friends along that bastion of studentville, Column Road. To avoid controversial-

ly suggesting sexual inferiority, I will withhold this person’s gender, though I will say that she sounded like a right chav.

Naturally, I was filled with woe following this depressing eavesdrop.

It increasingly seems that, contrary to the stereotype of over-politicised, march-going, badge-wearing, sloganshouting upstarts, many students simply ignore politics altogether. With this week’s student and this year’s general elections looming like a ballot box-shaped cloud on the horizon, this is a dangerous prospect.

However, absent voters are one thing – it’s not the end of the world if

someone can’t be bothered to cast their opinion into the pot of democracy; ignorant voters are quite another.

If, like our aforementioned friend, someone doesn’t mind voting, but vehemently detests thinking, then we have a biblical catastrophe just waiting to happen.

Ignorant voters got the Nazis into power. Ignorant voters give the BNP a platform. Ignorant voters continually rate Star Wars as the greatest film of all time, foolishly overlooking the Naked Gun series.

If you don’t know the details of what you’re voting for, do not vote. It doesn’t matter whether it’s for the

Union’s PR Officer, President of Britain, or for the best pre-80s jazz fusion LP. The ignorant voter has the power to usurp the universe; he or she can undermine everything halfway decent about our right to choose our leaders.

So until I become World Emperor and introduce Totalitarian Elitism, give democracy a chance, and enlighten your choices.

One day you’ll thank me. You might even thank me in person. And you might even thank me, then combine the two words you thanked me with. Like so: “Thanks Andy. Thandy”.

Caleb Woodbridge’s

ROOM 101

I

n the world, there is exploitation and starvation, injustice and pain, evil and tyranny. There is stupidity, bureaucracy and corruption.

There are people, both out there and among us, without hope or happiness.

Loneliness and dejection are the diseases of the heart that are of epidemic proportions in our land.

This planet is imperilled by our reckless actions.

But this time I’m not ranting against these things as such, but our reaction to them. The problem is, we just don’t care. We’re apathetic about all that is wrong in this world.

Much of it is our fault, perpetuated by the practices and structures that unthinkingly we are part of and support. For example,

when you last went to the supermarket, did you stop to think how many countries have been exploited to bring you that food cheaply?

True evil rarely lies in grand, melodramatic gestures of death and destruction, but in simple laziness from seeking to make a difference.

How can we just shrug our shoulders, donate our loose change and go back to watching cartoons? How can we not care? How dare we not care?

How dare we not do anything?

When I say "do something", I don’t mean just chucking a few quid in a tub when the latest charity telethon comes along to give you a guilt trip. Now if the emotional blackmail of showing pictures of cute little kids in distress can raise some money to do some good in the

world then great, I’m not knocking it. But the contributions we make then are by and large just symbolic gestures simply to make us feel better. We must not mistake these gestures for genuine, sustained efforts to improve the world.

Emotion without action isn’t really caring - it’s just empty sentiment, a worthless sham.

I’m not saying that I’ve got this sorted, by any means. I am laying this down as a challenge to myself as much as anyone. If you are one of those who actually has begun to seek to live a life that makes a difference, that cares for other people, then I salute you: you are one of the unsung heroes of today.

We need to join in doing the simple daily things - smiling and taking an interest in those around

you, buying fairly traded and ethically produced goods, making sure we recycle our rubbish - as well as the bigger things, such as getting involved with politics, lobbying companies and governments and the like.

Herein lies our battle between good and evil - in our simple decisions whether or not to really care.

want to contribute to the

gair rhydd?

MEETINGS ON MONDAYS AT 2.15pm IN THE GR OFFICE

March 14 2005

Editorial & Opinion

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opinion@gairrhydd.com

Just old enough to be young again

By Charissa Coulthard

S

ince you came to University, there’s probably been that definitive moment when you’ve realised you’re no longer a kid.

It may be cursing your first gas bill, dealing with the spider in the bath, or smacking your hand over your mouth when you realise you’ve just moaned about thirteen year old chavs smoking in the cinema.

For me, however, it personally hasn’t happened yet. All around me are people moaning that they’re ‘getting old’; my housemates, one by one, acting like turning 20 is somewhere near a justification of suicide.

And in a way, I can understand the sudden panic everyone’s feeling

about growing up. The thought of not being a teenager anymore is suddenly quite scary – and already we’re living alone, far from home comforts, and doing an array of ‘adult’ things.

the sudden panic about growing up We’re old enough to now sit around and marvel over our ‘good old days’; our generation of Pat Sharp, Pogz, Mega Drives and The Crystal Maze … wow, that’s one crap decade … and compare our stories of days gone by and the classiness of swig-

ging White Lightening up the park.

We’re old enough to watch the ‘100 Greatest Cartoons’ and feel great in remembering half of them (or in cursing the absence of Sharky and George, anyway).

And we’re certainly old enough to be able to frown upon the Tweenies and the ‘kids of today’. While we’re working towards degrees and pulling hairs out the plughole, there’s a threatening new generation who own mobile phones at the age of eight and swan around town with their iPods.

But for me, I still feel very much a kid. And even though they won’t admit it, my 20-going-on-70 housemates are too. Sure, we ‘work’ and we pay bills – But we also eat Smiles and find amusement in trolley racing.

The scariest, most grown-up

I can smile and brightly say I do Journalism, while concealing the actual fact that the only news I ever watch is Newsround, because it’s on before Neighbours.

Pretty soon I’ll be thrown into the

real world and actually have to ‘be’ something. Until then, I’ll relish in the thought of still being a (albeit older) teenager, and if I really feel a loss of youth coming on and crave a Nappy Night, there’s always Rubber Duck. Because let’s face it – one day we’ll really complain about feeling old.

At the end of the day, we still struggle to make an 11 o’clock lecture, treat our overdraft as if it’s our own hard-earned money and moan that we’re poor – whilst we (well, the wonderful population of generalised student stereotypes) continue to marinate our prunified livers three or four times a week.

Believe me, we’re not grown up.

We’re getting it easy – make the most of it.

olised soft drink industry and into some other field. Despite attempting to boycott them, it is very possible that I have been failing in this undertaking as well as my Nestlé endeavour.

I should, of course, work harder to discover which companies and products are owned by the corporations that I am avoiding. But where does one find such information?

I don’t make it any easier for myself by boycotting products and companies that run advertising campaigns that annoy me alongside companies with ‘morally dubious’ business practises.

I’m not buying Herbal Essences anymore since it failed to give me an orgasm when I conditioned my hair – false advertising. Does it only work for women? If I wasn’t already shun-

ning Coca-Cola I would have started when they ran the advert showing a woman giving out Coke whilst singing that she wished she could save the world, or words to that effect.

I’ve never fitted so many obscenities into one outburst before or since.

Anyway, what I really need, and I doubt I’m the only one, is a big chart with all the exploitative corporations written on it in huge capital letters with a red marker pen. Then, attached to each corporation (with orange zigzag lines preferably), the companies they own. Finally, connected to each of the companies (with purple curly lines) I need every single product made by that company.

So if someone could do that for me that would be great. My morality depends on it. Go on, I’ll give you a pound.

Quitting also usually leads to a deal of regret. Often we can quit things for the right reasons (i.e. my stint working at Pizza Hut) but the most common feeling associated with quitting is regret. How many times do we look back to times when we have given up and thought – ‘what if?’

As much as I hate to admit it, the recipe for much of Alex Ferguson’s success in Salford is built on the foundation of time. Despite early calls for his head after a lack of early success Ferguson stayed on, and don’t we just know the results.

Aside from the notable exception of Robbie Williams’ solo fame after his withdrawal from pop-phenomenon of Take That, quitters rarely go on to bigger and better. Keegan’s best chance of success was with Newcastle but his career has done little but yo-yo since he left the Tyneside club, Paul McCartney had a few solo-hits but

would he be filling stadiums if it wasn’t for his old-band. It’s a brave move but is it likely that Charlie Simpson will enjoy more success with Fightstar than with his old chums in Busted. The list goes on – success breeds success and having someone within a group like a football with a reputation as a bottler can’t do much to raise the spirits of other members of staff. Look at the transformation of Chelsea under their headstrong, trophy winning Portugese manager, Jose Mourinho – casting the league, Carling Cup Winners and Champions League Quarter-finalists.

Determination singles out the great from the good and tonight KK proved that he’s not made of sterner stuff than the the man screaming “I’d love it” in a pair of Sky Sports head-phones as he wasted his finest chance to crown himself as a winner. Bye-bye Kevin, it’s been fun.

thought that lingers in our minds is probably the nearing prospect of leaving Uni and getting a job. Right now, it’s my safety net. Should someone ask what I do, I immediately say that I’m a student, that I’m ‘at University’ – as if it’s my profession.

we also eat Smiles and go trolley racing

Boy(cott) meets world

By Ed Vanstone

A

h, what a good person I am, boycotting the profit-polluted corporations with their ruthless money grubbing and heartless exploitation of the Third World.

Yes. I am morally infallible, striding down the street, ethicalness seeping from every pore, stopping briefly for a swig from my Buxton water bottle. Good old fashioned independent mineral water company I’m sure.

Doubtlessly owned since time immemorial by a single unabashedly incestuous family, who say dedicated professional things like ‘I’m just going down the spring to check on the calcium content Jimmy-Bob’.

Wonderful. I’ll check the label, perhaps there will be pictures and a his-

tory of Jimmy-Bob’s family or something.

As I discovered, Buxton is in fact owned by Nestlé. My months of gallant sacrifice, stalwartly resisting KitKats and other chocolaty treats, have been nullified. It was all so much easier years ago, before a consumer conscience began to nuzzle itself down inside my chuckling little head.

The times when one could gallivant around joyfully in Nike shoes and Gap T-shirts, the mind free of hallucinogenic images of little children with sewing needles being whipped with rolls of specially sharpened five pound notes glued together with sweat, are long past.

This is indisputably a good thing.

The hallucinations, though frightening and often inconvenient, are there

for a reason. But boycotting a huge corporation is not easy. They’re everywhere, hiding behind innocuous product names.

I don’t know, for instance, how far and wide Coca Cola executives have

I’m not buying Herbal Essences since it failed to give me an orgasm spread the company’s dirty little tentacles, but I’m sure they’ve slithered themselves out of the already monop-

Kevin’s teenage tantrum

By Tristan Banks

I

t came as a surprise to precisely no-one when Kevin Keegan, former Newcastle, Fulham and England manager resigned as Manchester City manager.

After gaining a reputation as a bottler for letting Manchester United make up a 12-point lead to lose his Newcastle United team the Premiership title and for tearfully resigning as England manager after a Dietmar Hammann free-kick gave Germany a 1-0 victory in the last game at the old Wembley Stadium. Tonight, Keegan again left a post he was contracted to for a further season.

Keegan’s behaviour, while not uncommon in football is reminiscent of the young child who when realising he cannot learn to be a piano virtuouso after 18 lessons quits and decides to play drums instead.

After taking his team to Premiership promotion in his first season and keeping them there ever since, Keegan buckled under his own expectations and when he couldn’t get his own way (he realised making City a Champions league club was unrealistic). As soon as he realised this, he did what he knows best – he quit.

It’s not just sport. The people who quit jobs after a few weeks because they don’t think they will fit in, those who quit school, those who quit relationships because they can’t cope with the commitment, the list goes on.

Quitters permeate our society.

When I was a kid I tried everything even trampolining – before I realised that the only other people who did this were girls (yuk!). I quickly, and in a fit of tears, quit. As soon as the going gets tough most of us get going – and this is what tends to separate the great from the merely average.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 12

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Unseasonal Variations

By Lorraine Cavanagh Anglican Chaplain

H

ow is it, I have often wondered, that moods and circumstances seldom fit the season? Christmas can find us ill or depressed and seriously out of pocket.

Birthdays get forgotten or else we’re just not in the mood.

So the fact that Easter this year falls well ahead of the start of exams ought to mean that it can be enjoyed with the kind of carefree abandon which soap powder and chocolate manufacturers use to sell their products as they sentimentalise the start of the spring season. But if you are going through difficult times, talk of spring and sunshine, not to mention new birth and resurrection, can sometimes make matters feel worse.

Guilt about not feeling good at this time of year, mixed with increasing anxiety concerning impending exams, combine to yield a dangerous cocktail of fear. Fear is dangerous because it is sometimes difficult to acknowledge and, as a result, even more difficult to deal with.

But the fact that it is Easter can make a difference. Unlike the protracted commercial Christmas season, it brings fewer pressures. Not much is expected of Easter or, for that matter, of us at this particular time of year, so it is a ‘guilt free’ season. This comes as a gift when the countdown to exams grows shorter by the day.

The gift of Easter is a reprieve from the sensed obligation to feel a guilt which translates itself into feelings of regret (on revisiting this year’s thin lecture notes and somewhat skimpy essays) or which causes us to relive moments during the year when academic performance fell somewhat short of the mark. The message of Easter, as it coincides with the season of fearfulness, speaks most clearly of our being counted as successful because of the one who put his life on the line (and lost it) so that we might qualify. We have therefore already passed the test and no exam can take away this unmitigated success.

This may seem to have little bearing on the reality of needing a

high 2:1 or a 1st but knowing that we are already ‘qualified’ is, I think, one of the best antidotes to low self esteem and to the fear of impending failure which so often accompanies it. Easter allows us to concentrate on the goodness of who we are, not as isolated individuals triumphing alone against all odds but as good and gifted people. What is misshapen and ‘wrong’ has already been taken into the ultimate and overwhelming goodness of a loving God in the person of Jesus Christ. Fear has therefore no further claim on us.

Our timid uncertainties about ourselves and our capabilities, along with the regrets and disillusions of the past year have had their day and are transformed and taken over by that positive goodness. It is time to move on.

“Easter is a time when in the midst of fear, in grief and in our hidden anxieties, we are called by name - and recognised as good.”

Whether you are a person of faith or not, it is sometimes helpful in the absolute secrecy of the inner heart (where fear lurks and waits to accuse us of inadequacy) to know that there is no place of darkness that this Jesus Christ has not already visited and in which he waits to meet us. Meeting him and confronting fear in this dark place doesn’t have to be a last ditch resort either. The encounter in the place of darkness can also happen in broad daylight – as it did on the first Easter morning when he met with a grief stricken woman and called her by name.

Easter is a time when in the midst of fear, in grief and in our hidden anxieties, we are called by name and recognised as good.

Happy Easter to all our readers; we’re back on Monday 25 April

March 14 2005

March 14 2005

Political Opinion

Page 13

politics@gairrhydd.com

Fuelling an economic disaster

By David Jarmain

I

nsurgency in Iraq, tensions with Iran and the Israel-Palestine conflict. It is hardly surprising that oil prices are high. However, is the enormous increase in fuel prices the product of political instability or are we simply running out of oil?

Though it may be fair to say that total depletion of the global oil supply is far into the future, the reaching of something called the "oil peak" is a very imminent problem.

Since the black gold began to pour out of the ground, supply has always exceeded demand, as it does today. The oil peak refers to the point at which oil demand exceeds the supply available.

After this the price will increase continually until all oil is exhausted.

It is hardly suprising that the US has been escalating tensions with Iran Rapid development of the Chinese economy, an ever increasing demand among western societies and the considerable depletion of oil wells in the United States - whose production has halved in the last thirty years and is still falling rapidly - all contribute to pushing demand upwards while supply continues to fall.

But is an advance to the global oilpeak the reason that fuel prices are so high at the pump? The price of crude oil hit a new high again this month and is currently $55 per barrel. This is in sharp contrast to the price in 1999, when it was a mere $12.

Furthermore, this figure is not far from the all time high of $60, which was the result of the Iran-Iraq war in 1980, causing Iraq's production to fall by 2.7 million barrels per day and Iran's by 600,000 due to supply disruptions.

Also contributing to the $60 price was the coinciding Iranian revolution in which the Shah was deposed and the current Islamic Republic was created, causing an additional loss of 2 million barrels per day.

The only other time in history that oil prices came close to this was during the Arab Oil Embargo of the early 1970s, when OPEC imposed an embargo on western countries in retaliation for support of Israel in a war against Egypt and Syria.

This depicts an unfortunate reality that political instabilities and US unilateralism cannot be the sole cause of an increase to $55.

Though several new mega fields will come online this year, this cannot hold off the depletion of current fields for long, let alone meet increasing demand.

Oil is the lifeblood of our industrialized nations. It is used in planes, cars, tanks, fertilizers, drugs, synthetics and food transportation. All goods are delivered with fuel and so the price of all products are affected by crude oil price increases.

European Central Bank President Jean-Claude Trichet said last week that

FALLING OIL SUPPLY: An economic disaster waiting to happen the two per-cent rise in crude oil prices this year is already harming economic growth in Europe, as it did globally last year.

In the past, the effects of a lack of oil has proven to be devastating. In the 2000 oil strikes, after only two weeks British towns began to run out of basic commodities such as bread and milk.

Animals faced starvation because feed wasn’t delivered and hospitals were closed.

During the Arab Oil Embargo, companies were facing higher costs and were forced to cut wages and fire workers.

The US Government in particular is aware that unless more sources can be

secured beyond those in ‘friendly’ countries, then their economy will face significant damage.

Oil is the lifeblood of our industrialized nations

The solution was war in Iraq – a country that holds the second largest resource of oil in the world. The next stop most likely for US forces will be Iran, which holds the third largest resource.

It is hardly surprising that the US has been escalating tensions with Iran. The US is using Iran’s nuclear weapons program as a pretext similar to the WMD argument prior to the Iraq invasion.

The US military recognizes that it is in their national interest to hold off the oil peak for as long as possible.

The cost of the Iraq war, standing today at 20,000 reported lives lost and $150 billion, is only the beginning of a huge cost to maintain our standard of living in its current form.

Unless alternative energies, from sources such as biofuels, are considerably developed in preparation for the oil peak, the imminent economic disaster is unavoidable.

Putting profit before public interest

By Daniel Stanton

A

s the BBC inches ever closer to becoming a Public Limited Company, and with the news that the privatisation of Royal Mail is to occur a year earlier than planned, it is time to put to bed the myth that privatisation equals greater efficiency.

With the death of communism, privatisation is being taken up across the world. Between 1977 and 2001, more than 3,500 privatisation operations were carried out globally.

Will a business with shareholders to serve be likely to put public service first? Will investors be happy to receive lower dividends in order to keep open a remote post office in North Wales?

It may serve the public good to keep it open for the benefit of the elderly and infirm who rely on it, but it does little for the bottom line.

This Labour government, despite the politics it claims to hold, seems determined to turn over the last public institutions to private enterprise.

Where it cannot do that, for instance, in the case of the National Health Service, it seeks to invite big business in through the back door.

A halfway step towards full privatisation is Public Private Partnership (PPP). If a public body, for example a local NHS trust wanting to build a new hospital, has difficulty doing this within the scope of its budget, it can create a PPP with a private company.

This Labour government seems determined to turn over the last public insitutions to private enterprise The theory goes that private companies, in return for shouldering the risk of backing a new project, should share in any profits when they successfully complete it.

While the idea is not for private companies to make excessive profits, it

frequently results in them underestimating the value of projects and overstating the costs, in order that they can keep any difference when the project is completed and sold back to the public body which ordered it.

Since 2002, companies involved in PPPs do not pay capital gains tax. The government does not even get a share of the profits – but it frequently takes a share of the losses.

One of Labour’s first Private Finance Initiatives (PFIs) was to redevelop the National Physical Laboratory at Teddington.

A joint venture between Laing and Serco began the project in 1998, with a completion deadline of September 2001.

When the project overran, with completion a long way off, the Department of Trade and Industry ended the contract.

In return for assuming control of the project, including finishing the construction of the new facilities, the DTI had to pay the joint venture £75 million as a ‘termination payment’.

So, succeed in bringing a project in under budget – and bear in mind that the companies involved write their own budgets – and you make a profit, on which you do not pay the usual tax.

Fail, and the government will pay for the right to remedy the mess you made.

Even if your project goes over budget – the Norfolk & Norwich PFI hospital eventually cost £1.16 billion, against the £229 million prediction – the government still has to buy it.

In many cases, the government even guarantees the deals in case the company involved goes bust. So much for the claim by Partnerships UK that a PPP deal ‘transfers risk to the private sector’.

GOING PRIVATE: The Royal Mail

Many industries which have been privatised are still receiving government help. Transport-watch UK estimates that rail companies receive £200 to £400 a year in subsidies for every household in Britain.

Privatisation, along with its crafty little brother PPP, has been a success for a few, but rarely for the public.

Governments should realise that privatising public services puts profit first. It is their job to put the public first.

Interview

Page 14

March 14 2004

interviews@gairrhydd.com

Playing Jackson Xandria Horton talks to comedian Will Adamsdale about alter egos, roundabouts and ‘getting’ a joke

W

hen I call Will Adamsdale, also known as Chris John Jackson of Jackson’s Way, he is on the motorway, heading for Bath for this evening’s gig.

Conducting an interview while negotiating roundabouts sounds both implausible and unsafe, but I’m assured he’s not the one doing the driving. "I’m not a good driver," he admits. Let’s stick to one thing at a time shall we?

Or how about two? The current tour, Jackson’s Way, sees Adamsdale take on the persona of Chris John Jackson, a deluded and impractical self-help guru. So where did this creation come from?

"I guess it is based on a few people, but I was in this hotel room and on the television was this self-help guru promoting his new book, casually walking around his malibu home. Perfect tan.

It’s almost laughable, but part of you seems almost drawn to it."

The interest manifested itself in a cabaret comedy night at a pub where he didn’t have an angle for his act the night before. It’s definitely interesting the ideas people come up with the night before a deadline. I should know.

Contrary to many articles about Adamsdale, referred to as an ‘obscure’ entertainer or ‘overnight success’, Jackson’s Way is just a higher-profile aspect of a longer career in theatre which developed at university.

"It’s frustrating when that’s all you’re associated with," he muses. "I don’t consider myself either a comedian or an actor, like there’s a line between them. There are aspects of both in Jackson’s Way." The show itself has been described as a parody or satire of self-help, but Adamsdale continues: "It is those things, but I would say that it starts that way and then develops into something different, something harder to categorise."

That’s surely an attribute to his ingenuity that it is not easily definable? "Yes, but then it is hard to sell to an audience when they don’t know what to expect." People either seem to get the joke, or they don’t. "Last night in Newcastle people just didn’t get it.

I’d say it was about half and half."

Tough crowd.

So, affection for Jackson aside, any ideas for other alter egos? Adamsdale is understandably concentrating on the one he’s got (worryingly referred to in the third person), but has ideas for other characters: "Right now everything is up in the air."

Not surprising. As winner of the prestigious Perrier Comedy Award last year, Adamsdale is travelling the country, and soon will be in Melbourne before heading to New York for some off-Broadway dates.

Surprisingly, he seems less enthused about the latter.

"I don’t know what image you have, but the off-Broadway dates are quite small venues. I’ll be doing them alongside a play I’m in. I’m really excited about Melbourne though."

The stamp-of-approval Perrier Award has enabled the tour, but Adamsdale does also recognise its defining criteria:

On his alter ego: “He can be a bit deluded at times.

Not someone I would want to be associated with” "When people talk about Jackson’s Way they always associate it with that. As amazing as it was to be recognised for it, it isn’t defining of what I’m doing."

One question I’ve always wanted to ask a comedian is, who makes you laugh? Apparently he doesn’t laugh much. "I have a friend, Luke, he always makes me laugh. We share a similar sense of humour. Everything becomes self-referential. Don’t get me wrong, I find a lot of comedians funny, but some-

times humour isn’t about laughing out loud." Anyone in particular? "I like Owen Wilson. He’s great." I do too, though perhaps not for the same reason.

Mmm, Starsky.

So, tonight’s gig at the Millennium Centre - has Adamsdale performed in Cardiff before? "No, not yet. Jackson thinks he’s performing at the Millennium Stadium, or at least he thinks he should be."

The interesting thing about this act is that the often-used format of a number of sketches is instead one larger-thanlife personality. I’d prepared myself for the interview by watching a trailer for the show, and Adamsdale’s definition of himself as a performer rather than a comedian/actor is clear, as acting is a definitive part of the act.

In asking him what he would usually be occupying himself with in the car, I discover he has a project of sorts: "I’ve got to write an article for a Melbourne newspaper on how I think Jackson’s Way is going to be received," he explains.

"I’m running it by James [who is driving], it’s going

alright I guess, but I’m remembering now how terrible I was at writing essays in school."

Turns out driver James also helps out with the hands-on stuff, not least bouncing off ideas for new material. Does the tour develop with time? "Yes and no. We do add things, and feed off of the audience, but it is also controlled." With something as wacky as Jackson’s Way that’s a funny concept.

So with a character such as Jackson, is it hard to get out of that role? "A bit," he admits, "he can be a bit deluded at times. Not someone I would want to be associated with." Oh, the irony.

I put him on the spot and, by request, ask him for his favourite joke. "My mind has gone blank," he wails, and instead trots off his favourite poem.

Adamsdale’s energetic, inclusive style of comedy has obviously paid off.

Whether you ‘get it’ or not, you’ll definitely be in for a ride, and being in the audience is much better than just watching.

As I leave him to his article I wish him good luck for the gig at the Millennium Centre - or the Millennium Stadium, depending on who I’m talking to.

Jackson’s Way is showing tonight (Monday) at the Millennium Centre at 8pm. Tickets are £10 and can be ordered from the box office on 087 0040 2000 or at www.wmc.org.uk

E V I S U EXCL Will Adamsdale: AKA Chris John Jackson. That’s not a tampon, apparently.

Taf-Od

14 Mawrth 2005

Tud 15

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Y Rhyng-Gol Yr wythnos hon mae Llywydd y Gym Gym, Owain Jones, yn adrodd hanes criw Caerdydd wrth iddynt gystadlu yn Eisteddfod Rhyng-Golegol 2005 yn Aberystwyth.

Wedi wythnosau hir o ymarfer caled a brwdfrydig, roedd myfyrwyr diwylliedig y GymGym yn barod i arddangos eu doniau amrywiol yn yr Eisteddfod Ryngolegol yn Aberystwyth.

Roedd yr ysbryd yn uchel wrth i dri bws adael Caerdydd Nos Wener, a phawb yn hyderus wrth ymarfer y caneuon. Wedi cyrraedd Aberystwyth, roedd pawb wedi eu rhybuddio i fynd i’r gwely’n gynnar i baratoi ar gyfer yr Eisteddfod y diwrnod canlynol.

Deffrodd pawb yn eiddgar, a heidio am yr Undeb Myfyrwyr. Daeth yn amlwg yn fuan nad oedd fawr ddim o gystadleuaeth yn dod gan Fangor na Choleg Cerdd a Drama Caerfyrddin.

Yn hytrach, Aberystwyth a Chaerdydd oedd y ddau geffyl blaen. Cafwyd perfformiadau cofiadwy yn yr unaw-

dau gan Rhodri Gwyn, ac Elis Gomer yn enwedig – am resymau gwahanol.

Uchafbwynt y diwrnod i lawer oedd deuawd cerdd dant gwefreiddiol gan Ceren ag Owain Siôn. Daeth eu perfformiad unigryw o ‘Tecwyn y Tractor Bach Coch’ a deigryn i lygaid llawer o’r dyrfa. Rhaid rhoi canmoliaeth uchel hefyd i Dewi Davies a Huw Savage am eu dehongliad hwy o ‘Pwdin Wy’ gan Gruff Rhys. Dim ond y beirniad a wyr sut iddynt beidio dod yn y tri uchaf.

Brigyn

Llongyfarchiadau mawr i Rhys Iorwerth am ennill y Gadair gan wneud ei orau i ymddangos yn sobor ar y llwyfan, ac i Ceri Morris am ennill y Fedal Ddrama. Yn ogystal cafwyd ymdrech wych gan Geraint Brython mewn nifer o gystadlaethau gwaith cartref.

Llwyddodd Côr Merched y GymGym i ennill, ond ail agos oedd y Côr Meibion, a’r un fu hanes y Côr Cymysg – cafwyd cam heb os.

Aberystwyth oedd yn fuddugol ar ddiwedd y dydd – yn ôl y myfyrwyr o Aberystwyth oedd yn cyfri’r sgôr. Er hyn, rhaid canmol y GymGym eu hymdrech a’u cefnogaeth drwy’r dydd.

Caerdydd gafodd y fuddugoliaeth foesol a’r hunan-barch. Diolch yn arbennig i Ellen Angharad am hyfforddi ac arwain y corau, ac i bawb arall a

Jason Hughes - Frizbee helpodd mewn unrhyw ffordd.

Roedd gig wedi ei drefnu yn y nos, gyda Frizbee, Brigyn a Radio Luxemburg yn perfformio, a phawb yn mwynhau. Diolch yn fawr i’r Undeb Cristnogol am wneud paned a thost ar ddiwedd y noson. Roedd y mwyafrif

yn hapus i gerdded i mewn drwy’r drws, ond roedd un myfyrwraig farus braidd yn rhy frwdfrydig wrth chwilio am ei thost fel iddi fethu a gweld y gwydr o’i blaen a cherdded yn syth i mewn iddo gan anafu ei thrwyn!

Gyda’r Eisteddfod yn Nghaerdydd flwyddyn nesa, mae’r gobeithion yn uchel y gall Caerdydd fynd gam ymhellach, a churo ein cyfeillion o Aber!

Ywain Gwynedd - Frizbee

Jobs & Money

Page 16

March 14 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Broaden your horizons

By Carly O’Donnell Jobs and Money Editor

T

he end of another term is looming and that summer job in Tesco is drawing ever closer. The endless delights of packing bags, stacking shelves and looking like a tit in a chequed shirt. It really wouldn’t be summer without it.

What you may not realise as you slave away with your pricing gun is that many employers consider summer jobs as important as your degree. It may seem unfair that your five months of freedom are subject to scrutiny but consider it from the view of an employer.

A job is advertised and 40 people apply. Everyone has a degree, most of the applicants have a 2:1, they all have extra curricular activities and they all had menial summer jobs.

All apart from one applicant who meets all the above criteria but also spent last summer working abroad.

Who stands out from the crowd?

Yes that smug bastard will be looking pretty pleased with himself won’t he? Not only did he have an amazing summer abroad but he’s also landed a job as a result. Employers are very aware of the highly structured nature of university life.

We receive timetables, we follow them. We receive term dates and we arrange our lives around them.

The only opportunity we actually have to exert initiative or time management (words employers love to hear) is during our vacations.

Taking the initiative The idea of working abroad can be daunting and quite frankly far too much work to organise. But consider for a moment the alternative. Is it really worth another alleged ‘summer’ in Southampton or Bogner?

With just a little bit of forward planning you could be sunning yourself on the beach in California, working in a national park in Ohio or working as an actor in LA. You may have guessed already but the easiest place to get a summer job is the good old United States. As long as you’re a full time student returning to study in September, you are eligible

for a visa which lets you work and travel for up to four months anywhere in America.

Tracey Rowlinson, 21, studying Psychology went to America last year to work as a theme park attendant in Florida "I was so nervous before I left.

Spending four months totally alone was the scariest thing I have ever done but it turned out to be the best experience of my life”.

“Working and living abroad has completely broadened my horizons and it has definitely helped in job interviews. Employers love to see a person who has done something constructive with their summer".

Surp just risingly Chin call it enough t a food he in y

Work Abroad Right, so you’ve decided to give your CV a bit of a boost and do something different with your summer; what next? It’s possible to arrange a visa and find yourself a job but it’s far easier to go through a company that can sort it all out for you.

Think of recruitment companies such as Adecco or Blue Arrow. That’s what these companies do, but on an international scale. They can find you a job, arrange a visa, and provide you with all the necessary social security and tax information. Basically they take care of the boring stuff that allows you to concentrate on the fun stuff like choosing which state you want to work in and making a list of all the new things you’ll need.

Taking a year out If you are currently in your final year of study but fancy the opportunity to work abroad don’t despair there are other options available.

Visas to America are dependant on applicants returning to study in September but Australia, New Zealand and Canada all offer one year visas to young people.

There are also opportunities for graduates to teach English in foreign countries throughout Europe and China. Don’t feel limited to English speaking countries as experience of a different culture and language could give your CV the boost it needs to get your dream job back home.

Spend your summer teaching in China or India If you’re interested in experiencing a new culture there are exciting opportunities for Cardiff graduates to spend a year living and teaching in China.

A school in Guanzhou, a city of 12 million people situated close to Hong Kong, is looking for graduates from all disciplines with or without knowledge of Cantonese. The school has over 2,000 students and 250 teaching staff, 40 of which are native English speakers. It also boasts an open air, Olympic size swimming pool and all weather pitches.

The lucky applicants will receive return economy airfare, visa costs, health insurance, accommodation and a salary. The jobs start between July and early September 2005. Positions are also available in India for a small placement fee.

For more information contact: Professor Thomas, Law school, on (02920) 874368 / 4654777 Email: thomaspa@cf.ac.uk (Places are limited)

Gday mate

tootin Rootin and egas in Las V If you are interested in working in America this summer and you are a full time student returning to study in September check out CCUSA on the web. They can provide visas, jobs and accommodation in The States.

www

.

sa ccu

.com

If you’re in your final year of study and fancy a year travelling and working abroad they also offer year out opportunities in Australia and New Zealand.

www.ccusa.com

Jobs & Money

March 14 2005

Page 17

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Your future awaits

By Tom Scobie Jobs and Money Editor For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Swydd/Job:

Technician and Sales Assistant

Swydd/Job:

Recycling Information Advisor

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5.50p/hr Flexible / casual ASAP ongoing Duties include: To build computor systems, provide hardware related services and participate in sales activities.

Essential requirements: Must have prior experience with building computers and installing windows 98, 2000, ME and XP.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £6.50 p/hr + bonus Flexible to include evenings Ongoing Recycling Information Advisor required. Essential requirements include ■ Ideally Welsh Speaking ■ Computor Literate ■ Confident Team worker ■ Available over the summer.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

115

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

099

Swydd/Job:

Letting Assistant

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5p/hr Flexible and varied ASAP ongoing Duties include: Candidates will assist in letting a range of student flats, houses and rooms around Cathays, Roath and the City centre.

Essential requirements: Candidates must be a minimum of 21yrs old, possess a full, clean UK drivers licence and an A-Z of Cardiff.

114

The temple of career knowledge

T

he Easter break is fast approaching and it is an excellent opportunity to assess any career plans you may have. Those in their first and second years of university still have some time to go, but some simple research into any ideas for the future can go a long way at this early stage.

For those in their final year and who haven’t yet made definitive steps forward in their plans, now is the time to take tentative moves before the exams and the intense period of career fairs, CV writing and decisionmaking in the summer.

Easter is an excellent time to evaluate career plans There are several approaches to this task. Firstly, online research can provide plenty of information, but unless you have something certain in mind it can be directionless. Another move forward is getting advice from friends, parents or tutors and listening to their experiences. This can help if done in a constructive and realistic manner and is generally more useful than reading reams of text.

Work tasters for a brief period can give a great insight into potential paths for future employment and can be arranged through such agencies as GoWales. Alternatively, a great

resource is the University’s Careers Centre, which offers stacks of accurate material relating to a whole host of careers.

There are also advisors who can give consultations (usually by appointment) ranging from quick 15 minute sessions to half-hour meetings. The Careers Centre also provides careers workshops, work experience and postgraduate support for life.

For loads more information, look at the website or visit the Careers Centre. Vacancies are advertised as well as any work placements. www.cardiff.ac.uk/carsv Email: careers@cardiff.ac.uk Opening Times The Careers Centre has normal opening times over Easter except for Bank Holidays.

Reception: Monday to Friday, 8.30am - 5.00pm Information Room: Monday to Friday - 10.00am - 5.00pm Address: 5 Corbett Road Cardiff CF10 3EB Tel: 029 2087 4828

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

Catering Assistants, Retail and Reception Assistants and Ride Operators.

Tenby Ardal/Area: £4.90p/hr Tal/Wage: Shifts Full-Time and Part-Time.

Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Flexible start dates from March to July.

Manylion/Details: Duties include: Various including retail, receptiona and operational roles.

Essential requirements: Candidates will have to be friendly, outgoing and be able to provide excellent guest service.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

113

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Forthcoming events include mock interviews, CV and application form workshops, talks on working in the USA, China and Thailand and opportunities in mechanical engineering, electrical engineering and supply chain management. A full list can be obtained from the website or at the centre. So don’t delay your destiny any longer and head on down.

News in brief Financial IQ results disappointing

Women still discriminated

Online bank Egg recently undertook a financial IQ test among the British population with questions like ‘what does APR stand for?’* In particular they looked at how professions and regions of the UK performed. Results were sub-standard, with the highest scoring region the East Midlands with 68% and the best profession accountantcy with a tally of 99%. Researchers blamed poor results on the education system and the finance industry failing to clarify and advertise both complex and simple concepts.

The Women and Work Commission set up in 2004 has released a report stating that discrimination against women in the UK is “deeply ingrained”.

On average, women in full-time work earn 18% less than men. The commission is now considering whether legislation and mandatory pay reviews are necessary to improve opportunities for women. *(APR = Annual Percentage Rate)

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Science

Page 18

March 14 2005

science@gairrhydd.com

OIL FOR THE BEST? Can disasters really help environmental science move forward?

By Ceri Morgan Science Reporter

O

TOP: The Mulheim hitting the Cornish coastline. BELOW: The ship eventually succumbing to the waves.

gair rhydd needs science writers If you can make science make sense, email us at science@gairrhydd.com or come up to the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the union.

N 23rd MARCH 2003, the RMS Mulheim ran aground near Lands End, Sennen Cove, Cornwall.

The vessel was on its way from Ireland to a hazardous waste landfill site in Germany. The official reason for the accident, as reported by the Marine Accident Investigation Branch (MAIB), was that the captain knocked himself unconscious when he got his trousers caught on his chair. No second crewman was on watch and no navigational conditions were plotted on charts. There was also no warning system set aboard the vessel, so by the time the crisis was detected it was too late.

Due to delayed action by the powers that be, and variable weather conditions, the salvage crew was late to respond, and over 100,000 litres of fuel entered the ocean.

However, of greater concern in the long term was the cargo of plastic and foam car scrap aboard, over 2200 tonnes of it. Following investigations from environmental organisations such as Surfers Against Sewage, substantial quantities of PCBs (polychlorinated biphenyls) and heavy metals were found in the scrap.

PCBs can cause various health problems in humans including reproductive disorders and liver disease.

Another significant cause for concern was the knowledge that PCBs are known animal carcinogens and were also highly likely to bioaccumulate and biomagnify within the food chain.

Bioaccumulation concentrates certain substances in the bodies of animals, thereby delivering a potentially increasingly lethal dose of the substance the higher up the food chain the animal is. This means that larger fish and possibly humans could be affected.

Finally, two years on, a prosecution has been brought against the shipping company. However, this incident and the delayed reaction by the authorities highlight the need for the relatively new scientific technique of environmental management.

If there had been a strategy in place to implement as soon as the ship ran aground, any impact on the environment would have been minimal, and perhaps the ship would not have been left to break up on the rocks and spill its cargo.

The environment is fast becoming the most popular aspect of science in today’s society, with hot topics like global warming - especially the debate over the Kyoto Protocol - often dominating the media. The tried and tested image of a sea bird covered in oil being cleaned by a volunteer always seems a winner for BBC news.

As is always the way, the more exposure a topic gets, the more money is poured into it. It is hoped that better funding and public awareness will encourage people to become active in issues which, whether they realise it or not, affect their daily lives.

Environmental disasters cannot always be prevented. This isn’t because of failings in technology, but because of human error. The best way to combat this is to properly fund scientific research, to prevent incidents such as shipwrecks developing into disasters and to work on methods of reducing their impact on the environment. Thanks to improved and rapidly evolving environmental legislation, it is becoming harder and harder for companies and organisations to avoid punishment for harming areas of outstanding beauty, such as the British coastline.

There is a concept known as the ‘polluter pays’ principle, which involves any polluters of the environment paying a fine, or even picking up the bill for the clean-up operation. On paper this may sound justified, but in reality the fine can be as low as £10,000. This is pocket money for a large multinational corporation (mentioning no names; they have lawyers).

While the fines are sometimes small, this is a step in the right direction, and environmental science can only expand and improve, as we find new and interesting ways to harm our planet.

Ceri decided to spend two months in the summer of 2004 working with Surfers Against Sewage. Her involvement began when she was disgusted at the pollution she faced when surfing in South Wales. She spent a rewarding time undertaking important environmental research for the group.

For more information on Surfers Against Sewage check out: www.sas.org.uk

Science in brief

By Chris Matthews Science Editor

Tsunami Warning Plan Confirmed Indian Ocean countries and the UN agreed on a schedule for a tsunami early warning system in a meeting in Paris last week.

The plan is to split the installation of the system into three stages, all of which will be completed by the end of 2006.

The first stage is to set up an interim warning system controlled by the US and Japan. This will then be further strengthened with tidal sensors near Thailand, Indonesia and Malaysia.

The final stage will be to build a regional warning centre with links to gauges and underwater sensors across the affected region.

It is hoped that these steps will help to prevent another tsunami disaster in the locality in which 300,000 people died.

UN Back Stem Cell Ban The UN has voted overwhelmingly for a non-binding ban on all human cloning. The decision was passed with 84 votes against 34 despite the UK voting against the ban. It is thought that Catholic majority countries as well as the US were responsible for such a definitive result in the ballot.

Some medical organisations have condemned the decision which could prevent potential of effective treatments for many patients with illnesses like Parkinson's Disease and juvenile diabetes, Aluctive cloning has been illegal in the UK since 2001. Therapeutic cloning will still go ahead despite the UN ban with UK Health Secretary John Reid saying stem cell research is "open for business".

Science Week National Science week kicked off on Friday and continues until March 20. The aim of the event is to improve public awareness of science in all sectors of the community.

Cardiff University is putting on events ranging from a genetics workshop for A-level students to a birthday party for Albert Einstein aimed at seven to nine-year-olds.

A one to 15 million scale model of our solar system is part of the week long event. The model of the Sun is at a Cheshire observatory with Earth ten kilometres away.

Even with the miniaturised scale, Pluto is still so far from the sun that its model is in Aberdeen.

Media

March 14 2005

Page 19

media@gairrhydd.com

Trial by media or jury?

With the recent Michael Jackson case in America, trial by the media is in the limelight. But just how much effect can the media have on the justice system?

By Charlotte Ferrand Media Reporter

M

ichael Jackson’s trial began at the end of January.

He will face charges of conspiracy to commit extortion, false imprisonment and child abduction, four counts of child molestation, one count of attempted child molestation and four counts of furnishing an intoxicant for purposes of committing a felony. The trial is set to go on for a good six months.

Firstly 242 possible jurors were picked from a pool of 750, and were then given a seven-page questionnaire at the start of the trial. Results of the quizzing revealed that one in seven of these prospective jurors knew someone who knows Michael Jackson himself.

The media coverage of this case has been so huge world-wide, which raises the age old question, can a celebrity have a fair trial? For that matter, is any mediated trial fair?

Celebrity trials became media property when O.J. Simpson was accused of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her new lover Ronald Goldman. The trial was televised and everyone wanted a piece of Simpson.

The Salem Witchcraft Trials, trial of Galileo, trial of Socrates and, of course, the trial of Jesus could all be seen as early forms of trial by the masses.

Many other household names have found themselves in the centre of a scandalous news story. Neil and

Christine Hamilton called for a change in the law to grant anonymity to people accused of sexual offences after they were falsely accused of rape. They also faced bankruptcy and homelessness after losing their libel

“Everyone in the European Union has the right to a fair trial” case against Mohamed al-Fayed when The Guardian exposed the ‘cash for questions’ scandal in 1994. Ironically, they managed to rebuild their lives on the publicity caused by these events, although Neil could not return to his old job as a tax barrister.

Television personality and ex-Blue Peter presenter John Leslie was named by the press as the man who raped Ulrika Jonsson. Jonsson alleged such an experience in her autobiography, although she didn’t name the man responsible.

John Leslie During an item strangely enough entitled ‘trial by media’, Channel 5’s The Wright Stuff inadvertently named the rapist as Leslie. The next morning newspapers printed his name all over their front covers. Leslie was named as the suspect, even before the police began to get involved. In fact, Leslie went to the police in the end, not the

other way round. In the media’s eyes, Leslie had been tried and convicted. It was hard for the public to fathom any other opinion with the front of every newspaper offering a picture of Leslie looking tired and stressed. This case never made it to the courtroom. Even if Leslie was innocent of all the allegations, his career has never recovered from them.

The ethical issue in this matter was once whether well-known or famous people - celebrities, politicians etc. should be given the same rights to anonymity as ‘ordinary’ people, allowing them to be innocent until proven guilty.

However, recent trials involving paedophiles have splashed names of the accused all over the media, even printing pictures, which, more often or not, make the accused look like a monster rather than a person.

There is no doubt that Ian Huntley deserved the punishment that he was given, but would he have ever received a fair trial, even if he was innocent?

Had the media already helped the public to decide that Huntley was guilty long before his sentence was given?

In the late 1980s in America, father and son Arnold and Jesse Friedman were accused of taking part in horrific acts of paedophilia and child abuse during group computer lessons.

The incidents had gone on for years without a single complaint from one of the children. Parents would drop in unexpectedly or pick their children up from the lessons yet never once saw anything that might lead them to think that abuse of any kind was taking place.

Michael Jackson: Can he ever have a fair trial?

The accusations were outrageous, yet not one child had a suspicious bruise or scar on his body while attending the lessons. Without any physical evidence, Arnold and Jesse were found guilty and sent to prison.

Media coverage of this case was extensive. From day one when Arnold was originally arrested, TV crews stationed themselves around the Friedman’s residence, providing pictures of the pair and stating the accusations made against them as if fact.

The coverage continued at a time when there was much hysteria in America over child-porn rings and paedophilia.

On the day before his trial, Jesse admitted that if his trial was postponed for three years he’d win. Jesse knew that because the media coverage of his case was so colossal there was no way he would have been given a fair trial.

Arnold committed suicide in prison.

Jesse, released in 2001 and labelled a “Level 3 Violent Sexual Predator” under Megan’s Law, still fights to prove his innocence.

In a strange turn-of-events, it seems that the media may be his saving grace as the investigations carried out to make the award-winning documentary Capturing the Friedmans may well hold the clues to Jesse’s innocence.

The Friedman’s were an ‘ordinary’ family. Michael Jackson is a worldwide superstar, anything involving him would attract attention. Now he’s being accused of horrific crimes, and is finally having to defend himself in court, rather than with a big, fat cheque. The media are involved everywhere in this case.

Jackson himself was allowed to release a short video-clip on the internet, pleading for a fair trial, worried that the press coverage would prohibit this from happening. "Please keep an open mind and let me have my day in court,” he said in the clip which was posted on his website, “I will be acquitted and vindicated when the truth is told."

The jury who will decide Jackson’s fate have seen Martin Bashir’s controversial documentary about Jackson.

Will they be allowed to see the recent documentary Jackson’s Boys as well? It could be argued that both these pro-

grammes are fairly negative towards Jackson, and may well swing the opinion of the jury. However, the chances are the jury may have already seen one or both of these programmes anyway.

Article 6

Article 6 of the European Convention on Human Rights and Fundamental Freedoms (1950) states that everyone in the European Union has the right to a fair trial. Cases that receive a lot of media attention create a problem for the potential jury. Pre-trial publicity can mean the juror will have a pre-conceived idea of the case, and this may affect their judgement of what is heard in court. Any new evidence may be disregarded as the juror may already believe that they know the verdict.

Of course, this idea could work the other way - a juror could be so overawed by being in the same room as a superstar that their judgement becomes clouded.

One fan, showing her support to her favourite singer by flying to Santa Barbara from London, told a journalist from the BBC: "I think the jury pool has already been polluted by the prosecution and the media, who have twisted everything about Michael for years. There isn't a person on the planet who doesn't have a preconceived idea about Michael Jackson."

Could the King of Pop really be a paedophile? This fan obviously doesn’t think so, along with hundreds of others showing their support outside the court.

They refuse to accept the possibility that Michael Jackson could be guilty.

Although this fan makes a valid point, she must realise that her own pre-conceived idea of Micheal Jackson puts him on a pedestal.

We don’t know the extent to which Jackson has been involved with young boys, but he has openly admitted to sharing his bed with his ‘special friends’.

Let’s hope the jury will be able to make up their own minds from what they hear when Michael Jackson has his day in court because, as the final 12 will surely know, in making their decision, they will be making history.

Free Stuff

March 14 2005

Page 21

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

‘I’m a student, get me out of here’ TO CELEBRATE the nationwide release of the eagerly awaited The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy on April 29, Buena Vista International have teamed up with easyJet, Europe’s leading low cost airline, to bring to you "I’m a Student Get Me Out of Here!"

This amazing opportunity challenges contestants to hitchhike (geddit?) back to the UK from another European country. All teams will have to consist of two members; one male and one female. I think they’re going for another Katie Price/Peter Andre love scenario here - did anybody see the woman on Making your Mind Up? Bloody awful. I’m now blind because of the pink glittery catsuit thing she was wearing and deaf from the terrible singing.

What was the woman thinking? Why did she get so many votes? I’m astonished by the British public. Anyway, I digress.

Each team member will be given a mobile camera phone, £100, travel insurance, a pair of pyjamas and an emergency phone number.

Contestants will be dropped via easyJet in a mystery European location, from which the teams must travel back to the UK via land or sea. Air travel is not permitted.

Two countries must be visited on the journey back. To prove this, teams are required to take a picture of themselves by two famous sites per country. If this is not done and contestants are not wearing their pyjamas the team will be disqualified. The first team to get to a designated destination in the UK within seventy-two hours wins three amazing prizes.

These include tickets to the UK premiere of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy with free travel and accommodation, a unique easyJet ‘Freedom Pass’ allowing the winner six single flights to and from any easyJet European destination (visit www.easyjet.com for destinations) and a mobile phone.

If at any stage throughout the three-day challenge a team feels they cannot complete the challenge, they can phone the emergency line and shout the line "I’m A Student Get Me Out of Here!" and they will be brought home. You can pretend you’re John Lydon and tell everyone that the only reason you quit was because you knew you were going to win and wanted to give the other contestants a chance. Hmmm, whatever. I never did like that Lydon man.

So what are you waiting for? You just have to take up the challenge. All you have to do is choose a member of the opposite sex to be your partner, log onto www.thefilmfactory.co.uk/getmeout and enter details of your team. The

winning applicants will be chosen at random and contacted

by Monday April 4. Well get to it my cherubs - this is a huge opportunity to see Europe and the best film of the year. Good luck!

Cast: ■ Martin Freeman - Art hur Dent ■ Zooey Deschanel - Tril lian ■ Mos Def – Ford Pre fect ■ Sam Rockwell – Zaph od Beeblebrox ■ Bill Nighy – Slartibart fast ■ John Malkovich – Hu mma Kavala ■ Warwick Davis / Ala n Rickman – Marvin the Paranoid An droid ■ Stephen Fry – The Gu ide

The Film: The Hitchhiker’s Gu ty and phenomenonide to the Galaxy is a unique prope copies in 21 langu - the book has sold over 17 millio rpopular culture, liteages and has had a huge effect on n 20 years in the ma rature and music. The film has been Douglas Adams himking and is based on a script by ordinary man who self. It brings to life the story of an around the galaxy goes on an extraordinary adventure him. His journey givusing his indispensable guide to he life, bureaucracy an es us an ironic and hilarious view lp answer to the ultim d mankind whilst looking for the of ate question: ‘Wha of life?’ t is the meaning

And the Winner is...

WATCH YOUR shins lads: the world’s favourite game has just gone ‘street’. So forget all the rules that govern your usual football simulation game, here you can break them all.

FIFA Street is out now and available to play free and exclusively in the Students’ Union bar on the PlayStation 2 Student Network. Demonstrate your onthe-ball skills and individual styles in 4-on-4 matches in locations across the globe.

With ten distinctive street locations from around the world including the favelas of Brazil and the urban courts of Amsterdam, you’ll be playing in

global venues that truly represent the culture of street football.

Playing against the world’s top professional players, all rules of the modern game are barred and you’ll have to use a combination of freestyle moves to dominate your opponent.

To celebrate the release of Fifa Street, I have got my little mitts on a copy of the game to give away. All you have to do is answer the question below and you can win a free copy.

How many street locations feature on the game?

Enter in the usual way.

A BIG congrats to Alvin Lai, who has scored a double win this week. Not only has he got his grubby mitts on The Insider’s Guide to Getting a First but he has also won himself a toastie maker, so he can enjoy many more of his cheese and sugar toasties. Lovely combination that. Also, well done to Nicola Tanner and Dan Worth, who have also got their hands on The Insider’s Guide to Getting a First. I will contact you when your prizes are ready.

I can’t believe it’s the end of term already. Exams are scarily looming, but we must not fret, as I have many more wondrous competitions coming up after Easter. Have a great holiday.

Free Kloot

IF YOU’RE stuck for anything to do this Easter holiday (as if you would actually do some work during your time off), I have a fabulous competition for a free night out with gig tickets to give away.

On Friday April 8, the Barfly are very proud to present the wonderful I Am Kloot.

According to NME, "I Am Kloot hover close to the hazy melodicism of 60s bands The Zombies and The Animals. In their able, back-to-basics hands, semiacoustic instrumentation and laid-bare vocals prove to be the most effective tools for chipping away at complex human emotions."

For those of you who have never heard of this sensation, let me fill you in. Formed in Manchester in 1999, I Am Kloot released various singles on the Ugly Man label and Wall Of Sound offshoot We Love You before unleashing their debut album Natural History, critically lauded as one of the finest debut albums of 2001.

After signing to The Echo Label, they refined their twisted tales of love found (and always lost) with perfect dark pop melodies on their self-titled LP. Constant touring, with a live show that is both unsettling and engaging, has seen them take to the road with the likes of Turin Brakes and quietly storm festivals everywhere.

With new album Gods And Monsters due on Echo on April 4, the trio return wielding a fuller, more

dynamic sound, with ambitious tales of murder, witchcraft and revenge.

So check them out, my lads and ladies, at the Barfly on Friday April 8. The doors open at 7.30pm and the tickets cost £10 in advance.

Then again, you could answer this really easy question and get a pair of tickets for free. What are you to do all Easter without all my freebies?

What is the name of I Am Kloot’s new album?

Enter in the usual way.

IAK: Wee break on motorway

Award-Winning Television

March 14 2005

Page 23

livetoiletflush@tvwilly.com

This week’s vorsprung durch TV March 7 - March 13

Neighbour From Hell

Paul Robinson AKA German footballer Michael Ballack returns to Ramsey St.

HOT

Sandwiches: The best thing about sandwiches is, that like Beenie Babies, they are of a huge variety. To be honest, TV Willy doesn’t cook much. So a good sandwich, preferably with a nice bit of flavoured chicken always goes down well (like a hooker on valium)

SOAPS Could last week’s soaps have possibly been any better? The ‘end of an era’ in Neighbours led to the destruction of Lou’s Place and the Coffee Shop and this week sees the comeback of Paul Robinson to our screens. Those of you born before 1986 will hopefully remember Paul, who, by all accounts, is back with a vengence.

In Hollyoaks the saga of Becca and Jake continues throughout the week. Will she ever forgive him or will she throw away the ‘deep, passionate love’ they had together.

Sam has a momentary lapse in concentration after he thinks he can catch testicular cancer. At least Sam’s not a girl.

Eastenders continues with the ‘who killed Den’ plot which isn’t getting boring at all. No. I don’t care what’s happening in Coronation St. so buy the Radio Times.

TV Katie here with the aftermath of THAT EPISODE. Where were you when it happened? What were you doing when the fire started? What did you do when you first saw Paul again?

Do you even remember the Michael Ballack lookalike, Mr Robinson?

(TV Willy says he looks like this footballer, but I’m a girl, I wouldn’t know. See right.) Yup, THE episode of Neighbours is the only topic of TV conversation at the mo’, and quite rightly too. Last Thursday’s shenanigans go down in TV history, for us and for the Neighbours crew.

Possibly the most expensive episode ever, with almost the entire set being burnt down, a definite one - possibly three - deaths and creates an excusable need to use several exclamation marks. Awesome!!!!!

Stay tuned this week to discover who started the fire- was it Luca or was it the long gone, but never forgotten Paul Robinson? And surely Cindy and Stuart are dead? PLUS (possible hernia developing) everyone thinks Steph killed the old codger on the sofa. Cripes!

TV Willy here guys, rather than harp on about Desperate Housewives (again) I’ve picked a little treat on BBC4 - not something you hear very often. Anyway, it’s an offically recognised fact of life that the best comics are Jewish (think

TV Willy’s guide to Life HI GUYS, this week your it’s favourite TV Ed’s (whose name begins with the letter ‘W’) turn to feed you the fruits from my welltended tree of knowledge: Here goes: never trust anyone whose name rhymes with the word goat; believe everything you read; trust the people sat to your left; listen to Arcade Fire; never rely on your gut instinct; if it smells like You may end up like this that - that’s usually what it is; never eat anything that is a primary colour; never read the smallprint; question your parentage; make every attempt to disguise your true personality - it will only come back to haunt you; love the one who brings you helium balloons; listen to Arcade Fire; understand that when your friends hit you with broomsticks as a child it was out of COMPLETE AND UTTER HATRED for you; don’t enter the pantry after 11.30pm; get someone else to lick the envelope; use a thimble; if it says do not press - do not press; avoid those in GAP clothing; if, after all things are considered, it seem like a bad idea - it may well be. Yours, as ever, TV Willy xxx

Groucho Marx, TV Desk faves Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, Woody Allen and Mel Brooks - OK, maybe not all great comedians - stand up Jasper Carrot). Jewish Entertainers (BBC4, Tuesday, 8.30pm), looks at the work of the aforementioned Jewish comics as well as Brits like Warren Mitchell and Sacha Ali Cohen. Promises to be quite good just so long as they show some clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

TV John turns to C4/E4’s reliably filthy “banned” season this week.

Not content with handing us underage sex, car crash sex, bad cop solo

sex and Debbie from Hollyoaks in a low neck sweater, this week we have The Sex Stars They Tried to Ban. (Saturday 10pm E4) R Kelly was apparently unavailable for vox pops, so they’re viewing the Tommy Pammy erm, angle, once more, and plenty of other gratuitous dirt. Straight afterwards is X Rated: The Sex Films They Tried to Ban (11.05pm) which, correct me if I’m wrong, sounds like exactly the same programme, only focusing on the content rather than the people in it. But wahey, it’s like an extra hour of strumming away, so quit complaining you sickos. Then, straight after you can calm down with Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (BBC Three) and your sex drive can calm down perfectly before your housemates get back from the pub, and wonder what you’re doing with the cushions in the lounge.

A rather abused TV Manners here now. Considering the strange atmosphere in the office this week, I think we’re pulling it off quite well.

This week tune into You Are What You Eat (Weds, 8pm, C4) because it’s funny watching fat people trying to lose weight. ‘I can’t understand why the pounds aren’t falling off’ (as they gulp down a bottle of beef dripping). Also, one of the fat boys is from Cardiff, so there’s a bit of local interest for you all.

See you after Easter chickens! xxxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Roll Up Roll Up! Come and see the greatest show on earth. TV dramas are ten a penny, historical TV dramas, a waste of ten pennies, but that’s set to change.

Carnivale was released on DVD last week. Never seen it? No nor me, it was only shown on a mong-tainted cable channel.

But wait - it’s a historical drama set in 1930’s depression-era America in the dustbowl outback, and it’s about a travelling carnival and the people they encounter.

Obviously that’s not the brunt of it. Course it’s not - TV John likes it. Twenty minutes in, an old woman starts spewing coins, there’s a bearded lady, a lizard man, the owner of the carnival turns out to be the little dancing man from Twin Peaks, there’s a farm boy who can heal the lame, strippers get killled with Harlot branded on their heads, there’s a mental vicar who gets a sign from God at a brothel, and it even has the sour faced miserable bint from Girl, Interrupted (Clare Duval) playing a fortune teller who can talk to her inanimate mute mother. YES.

NOT

Foodstuff X: Unfortunately, due to editorial regulations, I cannot articulate the name of the foodstuff I am growing averse too.

Here’s a clue, it rhymes with ‘piece a’ and sounds a bit like ‘piece a’ too. There are only so many Tex BBQ’s a boy can eat you know.

SPORT Kevin Keegan’s just resigned, TV Will’s in a state of disarray, so we’ll steer clear of football. So let’s talk about the Rugby Six Nations Trophy (Sat BBC1). It’s an unprecedented decider match between Wales and Ireland, to see if Charlotte Church shags a winning toff, or a toe-curling loser.

FILMS ITV’s 59th Annual James Bond Season continues this week witht the screening of the frankly excellent, Goldeneye (Friday, 8.30pm, ITV). As well Marking Pierce Brosnan’s debut as Bond and Alan cumming’s debut as a bumbling Russian called Boris, the N64 game of the film is THE BEST computer game ever.

RADIO This week, my punkish roots mean that my first pick of the week has to be (yet again) The Lockup (Tuesday, 9pm, BBC Radio One). This week, Hatebreed are in session, but apart from that, the music will be great. Last week Mr Mike was giving away tickets to My Chemical Romance in London. I entered about thirty thousand times so I’d have better won something. If you don’t hear from me next week it’s because I’m running around Cardiff screaming in pleasure.

Since Xpress Radio is still on air (87.7Fm) you should show your loyalty and tune in throughout the week. This week I would recommend Vibrance with Filipe (Sunday, 6.30pm) because he’s airing an interview with The Doves from last week’s gig in the Union.

For another week, that’s me done.

Monday

Page 24

March 14 - 20 2005

dolhpinstakeovertheworld@garybecomeshonorary.co.uk

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 3rd Rock from the Sun. Dial M for Dick Dick Van Dyke, Dick Valentine, Dick Whilttington, Dick and Dom, Dickie Bird, Dick Turpin. You choose which one you want.

9.55 3rd Rock from the Sun. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael.

11.10 Judge Judy. 12.30 Coronation Street. 1.00 Emmerdale. 1.30 Airline. 2.00 Trisha. 3.05 Trisha. 4.10 The John Walsh Show.

5.00 Sally Jessy Raphael.

5.50 Judge Judy. 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. 7.30 3rd Rock from the Sun. Dick and Tuck Use the Dick you chose earlier and add Friar Tuck or Tuck Biscuits to get the perfect dinner duo. 8.00 Planet's Funniest Animals. 8.30 House of Horrors. 9.00 The Contender.

10.20 Coronation Street. 10.50 Coronation Street. 11.20 The Frank Skinner Show. 0.15 3rd Rock from the Sun. 0.40 3rd Rock from the Sun. 1.05 Late Show with David Letterman. 1.50 Champions League Weekly. 2.15 World Rally Championship.

3.10 Shakedown.

3.55 Teleshopping.

19.00 Broadway: The American Musical (Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin') Oh what a beautiful day, oh what a beautiful morning, everything’s lovely and gay. 20.00 The World 20.30 Omayya Joha and Ya'akov Kirschen - Cartoonists on the Front Line: Profile Michael Portillo presents a series on controversial cartoonists. Corr! BBC Four are pulling out the stops tonight.

21.00 Mind Games 21.30 H G Wells and Me 22.00 Broadway: The American Musical (Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin') Then they go ruin it by starting that day’s repeats by 10pm.

Fuckers. 23.00 Film: "An American in Paris" (1951, Musical) 24.50 H G Wells and Me 01.20 Mind Games 01.50 Omayya Joha and Ya'akov Kirschen - Cartoonists on the Front Line: Profile 02.20 Broadway: The American Musical (Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin') 03.20 H G Wells and Me 03.50 Close Open, Close, Ajar, Close, Open, Close, Open.

06.00 Softies 06.05 Jay Jay the J et Plane 06.30 Franny's Feet 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Roobarb 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Old Bear Storie s 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 El mo's World 08.45 When I Grow Up 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.00 Film: "Lip Service" (2000, Comedy) 11.50 The Wrig ht Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 91, 90, 89, 14.35 Trisha Goddard 88,87, 86 ,85 ,85 ,84, 83, 82, 81, 15.40 Film: "Badge of Betrayal" 80, 79, 78, 77, 76, 75, 74,73, 72, (1996, Drama) 17.30 five news 71, 70, 69, 68, 67, 66, 65, 64, 63, 6.00 Home and Away 62, 61, 60, 59, 58, 57, 56, 55, 54, 6.30 Family Affairs 53, 52, 51, 50, 49, 48, 47, 46, 45, 7.00 five news 44, 43, 42, 41, 40, 39, 38, 37, 36, 7.15 Hollywood's Greatest 35, 34, 33, 32, 31, 30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 8. 00 Megastructures:World's 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, Most Powerful Dam 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. 4:00pm House 9.00 Lenny Henry's Comedy Action 4:30pm Coach Trip Heroes 5:00pm Richard and Judy 10.00 Make Me a Supermod 6:00pm The Simpsons el Jade Goody, Jackie 6:30pm Hollyoaks Stallone, Fiona Phillips, Becca has mixed feelings Edith Bowman and Jo Brand about the engagement ring fight for the chance to look that Jake gave to her. Dannii beautiful.23.05 Joey 23.35 T is in no mood for fun when hat's So Last Week 24.05 Celebri she hears that the SU Bar ties Uncensored 24.35 Alias 01.1 is under threat. Russ has 5 NBA Action 01.40 Now Is the Ti his old photos out, reminisc- me: Night of Combat - Kick Boxin ing over his past travels, g 02.30 US PGA Golf and there's trouble ahead 03.20 FIM World Supercross when an unlucky Bombhead 04.10 Motorsport Mundial drops a week's worth of 04.35 Argentinian Football puddings.

So...how was your week boys 7:00pm Channel 4 News and girls? Mine has been do7:55pm 3 Minute Show: lally-dooley. Since I chatted to Can’t Remember What Of you cretins last I have: eaten 8:00pm My Friend the chili con carne three times; Mercenary spent the weekend with my 9:00pm Extraordinary mummy; interviewed Jez Families Williams from Doves; inter10:00pm ER viewed a Welsh/Hungarian band 11:05pm A Clockwork Orange who love Keane; nearly had a 1:40am The Bypass 2:05am seizure after THE episode of World Cup Skiing 4:00am Neighbours; bought some bro4Learning colli and made chocolate pots.

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6:10am The Hoobs: Picking Up 6:35am The Hoobs: Copying 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends: The One on the Last Night 7:55am Everybody Hates Raymond 8:25am Coach Trip 8:55am Will & Grace 9:20am The Lent Slot 9:25am The Lent Slot 9:30am London: The Greatest City11:10am Teens on Trial 11:40am Race in the Twentieth Century 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm Water Stories 12:40pm Sailor of The King (1953) 2:15pm A Place by the Sea 3:15pm Countdown 99, 98,

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PRIMETIME

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 10.30 This Morning.

Including 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.00 60 Minute Makeover.

2.00 I Want That House Revisited. 2.30 Boot Sale A range of Doctor Martins, some wellies and a few pairs of steel toe-caps are up for sale in today’s boot sale. 2.50 Treasure Hunt. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Thomas and Friends. 3.25 Fun Song Factory.

Fun Song Farm 3.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series. 3.45 Mucha Lucha. 3.55 Atomic Betty. 4.25 My Parents Are Aliens. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald.

8.30 Coronation Street.

9.00 Wire In The Blood.

10.30 ITV News.

11.00 On the Edge. 11.30 Never to be Forgotten. World’s Apart, Bad Boys Inc., Upside Down, Taf-Od, Cindy from Neighbours, Drew Kirk, Orange Orange 0.05 Champions League Weekly. 0.30 Franz Ferdinand in Profile. 0.55 Trisha. 1.50 Today with Des and Mel. 2.40 Moving Day. 3.05 Entertainment Now! 3.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald. 4.00 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News. Jesus, absolutely no inspiration tonight. Think it’s this festering room, slowly enducing me into a record-breaking coma. I started this page at 6pm...It’s now 9.40pm....yikes.

My Friend The Mercenary C4 8pm

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19.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Three Investigates: Casinos - What They Didn't Tell You 20.30 BBC Three News 21.00 Teen Angels 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (Bababababa) 23.00 Destination Three 23.05 Little Britain 23.40 Farscape 24.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass 01.05 Burn It 01.40 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.10 Teen Angels 03.15 The Bachelor 04.05 Close Jesus, Sports Desk went home nearly two hours ago. This is unprecedented up at the gay read. Tomorrow I am going shopping with the nonexistent money that I do not have in my account. I intend on buying Rufus Wainwright, The Mars Volta and Jose Gonzarlez albums and maybe a nice new top. My intentions however are normally far from reality, particularly in the squalor that poor fourth-year studentdom is bringing me. Does that sentence make sense? Do I care? That would be a no.

6:00am: CBBC: Little Bear.

6:25 The Silver Brumby. 6:50 Metalheads. 7:15 Eureka TV. 7:30 Yvon of the Yukon. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox. 8:45 The Koala Brothers. 9:00 Tweenies.

9:20 Razzledazzle.

9:40 Fimbles. 10:00 Fireman Sam. 10:10 Tweenies Songtime. 10:15 64 Zoo Lane.

10:30 Primary History. Time Lines: Recording the Times.

10:50 Primary History. 11:10 Primary History. Time Lines: Work. 11:30 Primary History.

Time Lines: Travelling. 11:50 Primary History. Time Lines: Children. 12:10pm: Revisewise Shorts. 12:20 Trade Secrets.

12:30 Working Lunch. 1:00 Watch. Barnaby Bear - The Orkneys. 1:15 Watch. Bullying.

Don’t watch it, that’s pure evil!

1:30 Live FA Cup Semi-Final Draw. 1:35 The Flying Gardener. 1:50 Garden Invaders. 2:20 The Great War. 3:00 Castle in the Country.

3:30 Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting. 4:30 Ready Steady Cook.

5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Flog It! 6:30 Masterchef Goes Large.

7:00 London.

7:50 Dear Television. Yeah?

Whatta ya want?

8:00 Rick Stein's Food Heroes: Another Helping.

8:30 University Challenge.

9:00 Around the World in 80 Treasures.

10:00 Supervolcano: The Truth About Yellowstone.

10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 Could You Run The Country?

12:20am: Joins BBC News 24.

1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Japanese Language and People.

Teens on Trial C4 11.10am

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Battered and Bruised. The election campaigners after daring it in the Duck of Rubber. Poor wee souls. And, at time of writing, they’ve still got another four funfilled union nights to make people adore them. Bonne chance mes champignons! 10:00 Homes under the Hammer.

11:00 Trading Up. 11:45 Bargain Hunt. 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.

Serena suspects Luka of foul play. Time is running out for Sindi and Stuart. What? How, prey tell, are they still alive?

They were flattened! Jack and Nina are reunited. What about Brian McFadden? 2:05 Beaten.

3:05 Brief Encounters. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog. 3:40 CBBC: Stuart Little. 4:00 Looney Tunes. 4:05 The Scooby-Doo Show. 4:30 Grange Hill. 5:00 Blue Peter. 5:25 Newsround.

5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News.

6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather.

7:00 Holiday 2005.

7:30 Inside Out Xtra. Oooh, Xtra is it? Jeez, all these scabbers jumping on the Xpress bandwagon. Pah. 8:00 EastEnders.

8:30 Ground Force.

9:00 Supervolcano.

10:00 BBC News.

10:30 Regional News; Weather.

10:35 Comic Relief Update.

10:45 Comedy Connections.

11:15 True Crime. 11:45 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross.

12:15am: FILM: Catch-22. 2:20 Sign Zone: Natural World. 3:10 Sign Zone: Seaside Rescue.

3:40 SignZone Horizon. 4:30 Joins BBC News 24.

64 Zoo Lane BBC2 10.15am

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

2:00pm Without A Trace 3:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Superman: Smallville the Early Years 10:00pm Fool Around...With Dan Corsi 10:30pm Nathan Barley 11:00pm Queer As Folk 12:00am Smallville: superman the Early Years 12:50am The Sopranos 2:00am Without a Trace 2.50am Nathan Barley 3:15am Fool Around...With Dan (Who The Fuck) Corsi Baby when the lights go out, every single word can not express, the love and tenderness, show me what it’s all about, babe I hear you whispering to me, whilst sitting on my knee, when the liiiigggggghhhttts go out....Relight my fire, your love is my only desire, relight my fire, cause I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed your love, your love.

06.00 Westminster Hall 09.00 The Record for the longest bout of hiccoughs is 27 years (don’t quote me on that, but it’s a long fucking time ok?)

Poor man, he must have been knackered. How scary when you suddenly stop after so many years of hiccoughing! You’d live in constant fear of starting again 10.00 Straight Talk Julian Clary, Graham Norton, Dale Winton, and Michael Barrymore talk money, law, campanology, philetelics and seismology.

10.30 The Record Strasbourg 11.00 Select Committees 13.45 Business Statement 14.30 Live Defence Questions 15.30 Live House of Commons Just. Need. One. More.

Sentence. To. Fill. This. Page.

23.00 The Record 23.30 Head 2 Head 24.00 Political and Parliamentary Highlights There’s £40 worth of pizza vouchers left for us busy bees.

The silly thing is, we’re deliberating over whether to phone up and use them or not. We’re such losers. This is now the fourth hour I’ve been on this page. I’ve enjoyed each and every hour a little bit more.

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 229977

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March 14 - 20 2005

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2:00 Without A Trace 3:00 Smallville 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:35 Friends 6:05 Smallville Martha becomes seriously ill when she comes into contact with some meteor dust, and Clark and Jonathan desperately try to help her.

Same thing happened to my Mum when she was cleaning the loft.

7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 7:55 Friends: The One with the Male Nanny. In 200th episode of Friends, Ross jealously pokes fun at Rachel's choice of an oversensitive male nanny. Oh dear, David Schwimmer is annoying shocker.

8:35 Friends 9:00 The O.C.: The Power of Love Lindsay and Ryan try to get their heads round their new relationship. It’s simple really, she holds it and he licks it. Come on guys, get with it.

10:00 Fool Around… with Dan Corsi 10:30 Bo’ Selecta 3 Shite.

11:00 No Angels 12:05 Curb Your Enthusiasm Yeeeaaaassssss.

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06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy throws down the gauntlet and invites all his special friends to a huge party bash in toyland.

The cast of My Little Pony and the Care Bears join in to really get the entertainment going.

The merriment continues long into the night and everyone invited has a thoroughly enjoyable evening. 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life That of TV Desk 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.05 five news update 13.10 The Chart 13.40 Pop City Live 17.40 FILM: The Parent Trap With Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson.

(Comedy, 1998) *** 20.00 Britain's Worst...

Mother-in-Law The moral of this fantastic insight into the life of another worthwhile human being is to never judge a mother by her cover. She’s really a lovely person but so misunderstood. I’d love to meet her and gain valuable life experience from the depths of her knowledge.

21.00 FILM: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines With Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nick Stahl. (Science Fiction, 2003) *** 23.05 He's Back... The Terminator Story 00.10 Seniors Golf: San Remo Masters 01.00 NFL Live: New England Patriots v Buffalo Bills 04.45 Argentinian Football

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19.10 Civilisation (Grandeur and Obedience) Lord Clark visits Rome in search of grandeur and finds a city that gave rise to Michelangelo, Bernini and the Counter Reformation - Reading 20.00 The World 20.30 Jewish Entertainers See Willy’s pick. This is presented by Emma Freud - No relation to Simund, or Anna, or even the father of Public Relations Edward Bernays.

21.10 I Like the Girls Who Do ...that thing where it makes you all tingly when you turn to your right.

21.50 Time Shift: Jack Rosenthal 22.30 The Desk 23.00 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise 23.30 Seymour Hersh Talks to Mark Lawson 24.00 Omayya Joha and Ya'akov Kirschen Cartoonists on the Front Line: Profile24.30 The Desk 01.00 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise 01.30 Proms on Four 2004

6:00 Insektors 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Coach Trip 8:30 The Morning Line Starring Pete Doherty 9:30 The Story Of The Novel 10:20 Weapons Of War: First World War 10:40 Teens on Trial: Jason and Richard – Truancy 11:10 Teens on Trial: Kay - Fighting 11:40Race In The : Migration 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Cheers 1:00 Channel 4 Racing: Cheltenham Festival 4:30 Coach Trip 5:00 Richard and Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Lee (Alex Carter) and Dannii (Christina Baily) prepare for St. Patrick's Day in the SU Bar, although she's sceptical about his preparations. The day Lee lets us down is they day I stop watching Hollyoaks.

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: The Great Relativity Show 8:00 Location, Location, Location Phil and Kirstie are in Berkshire to meet Paul and Anita. Paul has recently been the lucky recipient of a pay rise, so he and wife Anita want to sell their terraced house in Slough and trade up to something bigger and better. Well let’s be fuggin’ honest here, WHO WOULDN’T? 8:30 Nigel’s Place In France Under the stairs 9:00 Supersize Kids There’s a kid in this who is 13 and weighs 26 stone. That’s like almost one of me.

10:00 No Angels 11:05 Crimes of Passion 1:15 Cheltenham Highlights 1:40 I Won’t Marry White 2:40 Birthday Boy 3:00 Let em’ All In

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 3rd Rock from the Sun 9.55 3rd Rock from the Sun 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.05 Movies Now 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street.

Angela's stunned when Katy tries to frame Martin. He just won’t look too great as a piece of art luv.

1.00 Emmerdale 1.30 Airline 2.00 Trisha 3.05 Trisha 4.10 The John Walsh Show 5.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 8.00 For One Night Only Dancing in the Depot 9.00 FILM: The 13th Warrior.

11.00 Busted on the Job Or: John Widdop’s ultra-mega-hypergay fantasy. 0.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 0.30 3rd Rock from the Sun. Sex and the Sally (Subtitled) 1.00 Late Show with David Letterman. 1.45 The John Walsh Show. 2.25 Teleshopping 4.25 ITV2 Nightscreen 5.10 Late Show with David Letterman.

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today9.25 Trisha More heartwarming and shocking true stories with Trisha Goddard and a studio audience.

10.30 This Morning 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 60 Minute Makeover 2.00 I Want That House Revisited 2.30 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Thomas and Friends 3.25 Tractor Tom 3.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3.45 Mucha Lucha 4.00 Art Attack 4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Turner is stunned when an upset Shelly announces that she has made a decision about their future together. She wants them to live in a bottlebank! With a trombone!

7.30 The Ferret 8.00 Celebrity Fit Club 9.00 Precious Babies There’s nothing worse than parents who truly believe that there is nothing more exciting in the world than their fuggin’ babies.

10.00 First Love, Second Chance 10.30 ITV News 11.00 First Love, Second Chance. (Subtitled) (S) 11.35 Vinnie Jones's Orange Playlist 0.05 FILM: Steal Big, Steal Little 1.55 The Paul O'Grady Show 2.45 World Rally Championship

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19.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 19.30 Liquid Assets (Freddie Mercury's Millions) Millions of misguided fans who bought his awful records? 20.30 BBC Three News 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Current office listening... I shit you not: Mr Pyscho by Space.

21.30 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Twisted Tales 23.00 Destination Three 23.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.40 Farscape 24.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.05 Burn It 01.40 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 02.10 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.40 Twisted Tales 03.10 The Brothel 03.40 The Brothel And NOW it’s Walkaway

by Cast. The general office consensus is that Britpop is back and it’s being led by the Kaiser Chiefs. While we are on the subject of dull, derriative music, to the guy who accosted me in the Solus loos for slating the Killers: they are gash gash and will always be gash gash.

6:00am: CBBC: Little Bear 6:25 The Silver Brumby 6:50 Metalheads 7:15 Animal Arc 7:30 Yvon of the Yukon.

Parasite for Sore Eyes 7:55 Newsround 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox 8:45 The Koala Brothers 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 Razzledazzle 9:40 Fimbles 10:00 Fireman Sam 10:10 Tweenies Songtime 10:15 64 Zoo Lane 10:30 Starship 10:50 Words and Pictures Plus.

11:05 Maths Challenge 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 The Daily Politics.

12:30pm: Working Lunch 1:00 Science Clips 1:10 Science Clips 1:20 Science Clips So that’s what they’re calling porn nowadays.

1:30 Rugby Special 2:10 The Flying Gardener 2:20 The Great War Wasn’t that great was it?

3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 4:30 Ready Steady Cock 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 6:30 Masterchef Goes Large 7:00 The Good Life. A Tug of the Forelock. I can’t believe this is what they called the episode, the saucy sods.

7:30 Nation on Film 8:00 Mastermind 8:30 Fred Dibnah's Made in Britain 9:00 This World: It's My Country Too 10:00 Room 101 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Marrying My Cousin Set in the backstreets of Oldham. I didn’t even realise the cameras were following me.

12:00am: Joins BBC News 24.

2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: The English Programme

Marrying My Cousin BBC2 11.20pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Trading Up 11:45 Bargain Hunt 12:15: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors When a mother thinks she has found her missing son, Mac intervenes to reveal the truth. She has actually found Heston, Heir to the Kingdom of Ankacemia. Who’d have though, eh?

2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News 3:25 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog3:40 CBBC: Stuart Little 4:00 Planet Cock 4:20 BB3B 4:45 The Story of Tracy Beaker 5:00 Serious Arctic Funny, I thought the Artic was RENOWNED for its sense of humour.

5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Stingray falls for the new girl on the block.

David looks after the visiting mayor. Lana has a farewell party.

6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Watchdog 7:30 EastEnders A new resident moves into the Square. Jake plans a surprise for Chrissie but will his intentions be appreciated? Probably not. Not many girls appreciate you doing THAT to them.

8:00 Holby City 9:00 Crimewatch UK 10:00 BBC News 10:30 Regional News and Weather 10:35 Jane Tomlinson: Fit for Life 11:15 Crimewatch UK Update in tonight's programmes. (T) 11:25 FILM: One Way Out 1:05am: Sign Zone: See Hear.

(Digital Widescreen) You make me wanna LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

Supersize Kids C4 9.00pm

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Serious Artic BBC1 5.00pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06.00 Lords: Serious Organised Crime and Police Bill 09.00 The Record Today’s record is ‘You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You’re Drunk’ by the Pet Shop Boys - as sung by the Rt. Hon. George Galloway, M.P for Glasgow Kelvin.

09.30 Lords: Serious Organised Crime and Police Bill 11.30 Live Scotland Questions If one Scot opens his flies and another runs to Doncaster how many times have Scotland won the world cup? How many calories in a deep-fried Mars bar, Scotland? If Glasgow has 3 million inhabitants and Aberdeen 500,000 - are they both still shitholes? Ewan McGregor + A Sabre Tooth Tiger = More fun than you can shake your Parkinson’s addled hands at.

12.30 Live House of Commons 19.30 House of Lords 23.00 The Record ‘You Can Call Me Al’ by Paul Simon, definitely the best song ever written.

23.30 Westminster Hall Not as good as Stuart Hall, Chadderton Hall, Jerry Hall, Hall and Oates, Terry Hall, and, er, that’s about it.

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Page 26

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ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Holiday Airport - Palma 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 1.00 Emmerdale 1.30 Airline 2.00 Trisha 3.05 Trisha 4.10 Movies Now 4.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.10 Judge Judy 6.00 Nanny 911 7.00 UEFA Cup Live.

Newcastle United v Olympiacos 10.00 Coronation Street 10.30 Desperately Seeking Sheila 11.30 Fat Friends. Get Out of the Kitchen My sentiments exactly, stop eating all my fecking food. Go phone that Gillian McKeith and get her to put you on some wheatgerm and carrot soup. 0.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 1.00 Late Show with David Letterman 1.50 The John Walsh Show 2.35 Teleshopping.

4.35 ITV2 Nightscreen.

5.10 Late Show with David Letterman Oh come on, there’s nothing, absolutely nothing else you should be doing tonight except watching Desperate Housewives. If you’ve referred to ITV2 for any other reason than to chortle over my hilarious anecdotes and warblings then shame on you, all of you.

19.00 Mediterranean Tales 19.10 Civilisation Not on the fourth floor of the union. We are beyond civilisation up here, you might want to call us super human. 20.00 The World 20.30 The Desk 21.00 Blowing up Paradise 22.20 Postcards from Johannesburg A selection of death pictures, rape scenes and hangings in beautful settings.

22.30 Death on the Staircase 23.20 Time Shift: Jewish Entertainers 0.00 Bar Mitzvah Boy 01.15 Jack Rosenthal 01.55 Blowing up Paradise 03.15 Time Shift: Jewish Entertainers Woody Allen, Groucho Marx, Ali G, Jeremy Beadle and Chris Rock.

03.55 Close Here is TV Manners’s favourite ever poem. It beat classics from Wordsworth, W.H.Auden, Keats and sonnets from Shakespeare.

There was a young man from Peru, Who fell asleep in a canoe, While dreaming of Venus, He felt up his penis, And woke up with a handful of goo.

Live Budget 2005 BBC Parl. 12.30pm

2:00 Without A Trace 3:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoak And without a doubt, Ali Bastion can share my bed any night of the week. Except tuesday. 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Swtiched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Point Pleasant 10:00 Fool Around...

With Dan Corsi Right. We’ve been asking around the office and no one has a clue as to who this random is. E4 can’t even call up the Z list celebs.

They’re into some unknown, forgotten alphabet. 10:30 Ali G In Da USAiii 11:00 Desperate Housewives 12:00 Point Pleasant 12:50 Teachers If this is the third series then it’s shite but the first two were great.

Also, school isn’t actually like this. I know. 1:55 Without A Trace 2:40 Ali G In Da USAiii 3:10 Fool Around... With Dan Corsi Even after more research, we still don’t know who this flatulent tosser is. If you’re reading this Dan, fuck off. We don’t like you.

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50 MechaNick 9.00 The W right Stuff 10.00 Film: Ha waiian Heat (1984) 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.

00 five news at noon 12.3 0 Home and Away 13.00 F amily Affairs 13.35 BrainT e a s e r Mindless, crap gameshow which you should watch to win the thousand pounds. Apar t from you say we pay, it’s the easiest grand you’ll ever earn. 1 4 . 3 5 Trisha Goddard 15.40 Fil m: Cagney and Lacey: Tog ether Again (1994) 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Big Cat Predato rs: Cheetah Death Rac e 20.00 The Dark World o f D o l p h i n s Flipper is fucking pissed off and he’s plannign to take over the high seas. Don’t trust their cute little clicks. It’s actually code for the terrorist mammals to start the revolution. Like in the Simpsons.

21.00 Film: Fire Down B e l o w ( 1 9 9 7 ) TV Desk gets that feeling every week. Doyle never stops having that sensation especially when in the vicinity of the News monkies.

11 . 0 5 M a k e M e a S u p e r m o del 0.10 Blaggers 0.40 Wor ld of Rugby 01.05 Boxing Fight of the Week Classic 01.45 European Drag Raci ng Championships

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6:00 Turf Accounts 6:10 Cheltenham Highlights 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Coach Trip 8:30 The Morning Line 9:30 The Story Of The Novel I wonder who wrote that. 10:20 Weapons Of War My arse, sausage dogs, Papa John’s pizza and TV Willy.

10:40 National Gallery 10:45 Women In The 20th Century 11:05 Tate Modern 11:10 Teens On Trial That kid accusing Jacko of fiddling in Neverland.

11:40 Race In The 20th Century 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Cheers Tis ok. 1:00 Channel 4 Racing Cheltenham Festival 4:30 Coach Trip 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: The Great Relativity Show 8:00 You Are What You Eat Which means I’m a turkey twisler. Crunchy and brown.

8:30 10 Years Younger I would have been just starting school. A young whippersnapper in shorts and a cap, climbing trees and playing football in the park.

Ah, happy days.

9:00 Jamie’s School Dinners 10:00 Desperate Housewives 11:05 Showgirls (1995) The ugly one from Saved By The Bell stars as a lap dancer. Evidently the plot is pretty shite but there is a ‘cult following’ mainly due to the amount of nekked scenes. 01:30 Cheltenham Highlights If you go to Cheltenham, check out Thatchers. Great restaurant.

02:05 World Cup Skiing 04:00 3 Minute Wonder: We Are What We Do I’m quick then. 04:05 transworld Sport 05:05 Countdown 5:50 Close

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News 7.00 GMTV Today 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 Budget 2005 2.00 60 Minute Makeover 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Meg and Mog 3.20 Thomas and Friends 3.30 Fun Song Factory Five 3.40 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3.50 Mucha Lucha What a concept for a cartoon. Mexican wrestling! Almost as good at Spongebob, be sure to watch this for the randomness and the ubiquitous Mexican wrestling fights. 4.05 Art Attack 4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.25 ITV Evening News; Weather 6.55 Budget 2005: The Chancellor of the Exchequer Some fat Scottish guy taking more money away from us. I’m guessing beer will cost more, as will cars and fags.

Thanks you fat cunt.

7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Life Begins after you’ve written for TV Desk.

The fame associated with this job is great! Many a Tv Desker has got laid after revealing their secret identity. Of course, I’m above all that.

10.00 Driving Mum and Dad Mad 10.30 ITV News 11.00 FILM: A Way of Life.

(2004) 0.45 Haunted Homes 01.30 cd:uk Hotshots 01.55 Trisha 02.45 World Sport 03.15 The Paul O'Grady Show 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News But the question of the moment is... what is my first name? It ain’t Manners.

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6:00 CBBC: Little Bear 6:25 The Silver Brumby 6:50 Metalheads 7:15 X-periMENTAL. 7:30 Yvon of the Yukon 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox They’re showing repeats this week because, as we speak, he’s being chased around a field by a man wih dogs and a gun.

8:45 The Koala Brothers 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 Razzledazzle 9:40 Fimbles 10:00 Fireman Sam 10:10 Tweenies Songtime 10:15 64 Zoo Lane 10:30 The Munsters 11:00 The Daily Politics 11:30 The Budget 2:30 House Invaders 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting Or as most students will attest to, sun, sea and breast spotting. 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 6:30 Masterchef Goes Large 7:00 The Trial of Galileo: Days That Shook the World 7:30 Rough Science Hardcore action from those cheeky chemistry chappies.

8:00 What the Ancients Did for Us 9:00 The Apprentice 10:00 Blackadder II 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Budget Broadcast by the Chancellor of the Exchequer 11:25 Maxim: Cover Stories 11:55 HARDtalk Is this a metaphor by the BBC 0:20 Joins BBC News 24 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: The English Programme: Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 3 04:00 PSHE: Turning Points. Alcohol and Sex Education I fainted during sex education so I still have no idea what goes on behind closed doors after dark. I’ve asked Doyle for tips but as of yet, he’s turned me down.

Dark World Of Dolphins five 8pm

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Your Union STUDENT SAVER

19.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 19.30 Liquid Assets Govinda jaya jaya, govinda jaya jaya, maschimma... 20.30 BBC Three News 21.00 Film: Under Siege (1992) 22.40 End Day 23.40 Destination Three Destination one of my choice: Madagascar. Number 2: Costa Rica. 3: My bed, Darran St, Cardiff. 23.45 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.20 Farscape 01.10 Mind, Body and Kick Ass 01.45 Burn It People of the Earth, Your world is Crap, People of the Earth, you are not cool, you eat hamburgers before school. 2.20 The Mighty Boosh 02.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.20 End Day 04.20 Close Has anyone seen the article in the Independent, featuring our very own award-winning magazine Quench? How good are we? Not only is this very paper you have your dirty mits on now the best student newspaper in the country, Quench will be the best magazine next year: guaranteed. Come up to the office if you want to put your name to such incredible publications.

Blowing Up Paradise BBC4 9pm

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6:00 Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Trading Up 11:45 Car Booty 12:15 Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 3:40 CBBC: Stuart Little 4:00 Looney Tunes 4:05 The ScoobyDoo Show 4:30 Grange Hill 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 7:00 Smart Spenders 7:30 Trauma 8:00 DIY SOS 8:30 Traffic Cops 9:00 Whistleblower 10:00 BBC News 10:30 Regional News and Weather 10:40 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:45 Secret Map of Hollywood 11:25 Bob Geldof: Saint or Singer? Or one hit wonder?

Or über tosser? You decide.

0:20 FILM: Love at First Bite (1979) After a largely unsucessful Haloween party, Doyle sinks his teeth into some fresher prey.

01:55 Sign Zone: The Lost World of Mitchell and Kenyon 02:55 Sign Zone: Soldier, Husband, Daughter, Dad 03:25 Sign Zone: Grown Up Gappers 04:05 Sign Zone: Ground Force 4:35 Joins BBC News 24. Who lives in a house like this?

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029 20229977

Grange Hill BBC1 4.30am

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6.00 Lords: Mental Capacity Bill 9.00 The Record 9.30 Lords: Mental Capacity Bill Questions relating to TV Willy’s health are questioned here.

11.30 Live Deputy Prime Minister's Questions 12.00 Live Prime Minister's Questions 12.30 Live Budget 2005 Fucking hell this is compulsive viewing. Almost as good as the tax returns show. 19.30 House of Lords 23.00 The Record 23.30 Prime Minister's Questions 24.00 Political and Parliamentary Highlights This week, gair rhydd has descended into TV Willy madness because he’s dancing around to music coming from his ipod. There’s a Twilight Zone thing going on here. Sheer madness. Oh for fucks sake, there is so much space to fill and my brain is hurting. I have nothing new to tell you, except that my name isn’t Rumplestiltskin, but you have three guess to figure out my actual name. If you look for the clues, it’s not too difficult.

Thankfully, more pizza has arrived so I’m off to fill my belly with barbeque sauce.

Thursday

March 14 - 20 2005

Page 27

sandwichinthelineofduty@greditor.com

19.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 19.30 Trauma 20.00 EastEnders Revealed The Growing Pains of Zoe Slater.

Zoe Slater? I’d give her a growing pain all right.

20.30 BBC Three News 21.00 Spendaholics (New Series) Series that shows how to lead a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget.

22.00 EastEnders Same one that was on BBC1 before for those of you who have dinner fashionably late, I Presume.

22.30 Casanova Starring TV Willy.

23.30 Destination Three 23.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Gash 24.10 Farscape 01.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.35 Burn It If you have the text zoomed out on our lo-tech Apple Macs, the name of this show REALLY looks like Bum It. Which, on reflection, is an improvement.

02.10 Spendaholics 03.05 Liquid Assets: Kylie's Millions The series examining the

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 3rd Rock from the Sun 9.55 3rd Rock from the Sun Zzzzz.10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Corrie Angela panics when Katy and Martin get dangerously close. 1.00 Emmerdale Turner discovers an unlikely ally when Shelly leaves the village and Steph heads off in hot pursuit. Unlikely ally?

Dave Benson Phillips? 1.30 Airline 2.00 Trisha 3.05 Trisha 4.10 The John Walsh Show 5.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.50 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 8.00 Celebrity Fit Club 9.00 Celebrities Exposed: Caught in the Act Barbara Castle and Dom Joly caught in an unseemly act of public lovemaking.

10.00 The Contender 11.25 The Frank Skinner Show.

(Widescreen) 0.20 3rd Rock from the Sun 0.45 3rd Rock from the Sun. 1.10 Late Show with David Letterman. 1.55 The John Walsh Show 2.40 Teleshopping. 4.40 ITV2 Nightscreen. 5.10 Late Show with David Letterman.

19.00 The Selfish Green The world seems threatened with environmental catastrophe, but are we too selfish to save it? The answer, as I sit here sipping coffee and listening to my iPod, is a dumbfounding, YES. 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister 21.00 Broadway: The American Musical 22.00 Birdland, a History of Jazz: Dream a Little, Dream of Me Yes readers, this is serious programming, despite the Granada Men and Motors programme title.

22.05 Arrested Development 22.30 The Late Edition 23.00 Curb Your Enthusiasm Larry has a religious crisis when his future brother-in-law plans to convert from Judaism to Christianity. GE-HE-HE-NIUS 23.30 Curb Your Enthusiasm Ditto. 24.00 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise 24.30 Seymour Hersh Talks to Mark Lawson 01.00 The Late Edition 01.30 Broadway: The American Musical 02.30 British Isles: A User's Guide to Natural History 03.30 The Late Edition

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5:50 Angela Anaconda 6:10 Cheltenham Highlights 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Coach Trip 8:30 The Morning Line 9:30 The Story Of The Novel 10:20 Weapons of War 10:40 National Gallery 10:45 Letters From The Trenches 11:05 Tate Modern 11:10 Teens On Trial: Rachel - Underage BingeDrinking. Is there anything better? 11:40 Women in the 20th Century 12:00 News At Noons 12:30 Cheers 1:00 Channel 4 RTacing; Cheltenham Festival 4:30 Coach Trip 5:00 Richard and Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Steph (Carley Stenson) forces Becca (Ali Bastian) to stand up for herself, but gets more than she bargained for... a subscription to the Adult Channel and a bag of tangerines.

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute wonder: the Great Relativeity Show 8:00 A Place In The Sun 9/11 VERY oddly named travel show. Oh, I guess it means episode 9 of 11.

8:30pm The City Gardener 2/10: Cardiff As far as I knew, the only gardens in Cardiff are populated by drunk students.

9:00 The Government Inspector David Kelly: Dead, mate.

11:05 The Last Temptation of Christ He just HAD to have that yellow fruit pastel. 2:05 Cheltenham Highlights 2:40 4 pieces of me: Norman and Me Presumably nothing to do with ex-chancellor and arch eyebrow sporter Norman Lamont.

But all the same, an excellent reason to put a picture of him at the top of the page.

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6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha More heartwarming and shocking true stories with Trisha Goddard and a studio audience. Of course that’s ‘true’ in the Richard Nixon sense.

10.30 This Morning 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 60 Minute Makeover 2.00 I Want That House Revisited 2.30 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Thomas and Friends 3.25 Tractor Tom Live from Zummerzet. 3.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3.45 Mucha Lucha. An Epic Tale of Donuts and Heroes 3.55 Bernard Manchester’s premier rascist comedian gets his own show on CITV. Gadzooks! 4.10 Rugrats 4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.25 ITV Evening News; Weather 6.55 Budget 2005: The Shadow Chancellor Gordon Brown: texture like heroin.

7.00 Emmerdale The old chemistry between Chas and Carl resurfaces. It’ll never be as good as it was with Dave though Chas.

8.00 The Bill 9.00 Fat Friends 10.00 Celebrity Surgery: Who's Had What Done?

ITV in gutter TV shocker.

10.30 ITV News 11.00 Party Conference Broadcast By the Welsh Labour Party 11.05 Helicops 11.35 Soccer Night 0.00 Win, Lose or Draw Late 0.30 Vinnie Jones's Orange Playlist I Predict A Riot, Fight Test, Stacked Actors, Murder incorporated. Gah!

House of Lords BBC Parl. 6.00am

2:00 Without A Trace: Snatch Back. This is actually the name of this episode. Honest. 3:00 Samllville 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks Will Zara (Kelly Greenwood) manage to fool the audience into thinking that she is Kylie and be the heroine of the Students’ Union? Only if the Students’ Union is populated by pissy-faced oafs. That sounds oddly familiar.

5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Smallville 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched Amber holds her own in a sax lesson. As if our own resident sex-columnist wouldn’t hold her own. She might be back soon kids!

8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00pm ER: Only Connect. Concerned by patient satisfaction scores, Lewis instructs Kovac to teach residents effective patient communication. One scream for yes, two screams for yes, please.

10:00 Fool Around...with Dan Carsi Altogether

WHO?

now...

06.00 Softies06.05 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.30 Franny's Feet 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Roobarb 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Old Bear Stories 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Elmo's World Probably not too dissimilar to Bez’s world. 08.45 When I Gro w up 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.00 Film: "Dead Man's Island" 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away Catastrophe strikes Robbie and Tasha. Or: When elephants and jet-skis collide. 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trisha Goddard 15.40 Film: "One Spy Too Many" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 UEFA Cup Football (Live) Sporting Lisbon v Middle sbrough 22.00 Film: Dirty Har ry Super genius film-making, if Clint Eastwood going round kicking ass with a magnum is your kinda thing.

24.00 John Barnes' Football Night 24.40 Portuguese Football 02.10 Dutch Football 03.40 Argentinian Football 05.10 Argentinian Football Highlights Well, if you haven’t noticed, the five listings look a bit funny. We really don’t know why but the text all seems to have gone a bit, well, gappy. SO, we have had to shrink it all down, and hence it looks a bit crap. Why this only affects five?

I don’t know but it’s pissing us off almost as much as the Channel 4 listings coming in capitals letters, requiring us to change the names of every fuggin’ programme to lower case.

It’s a sham I tells you. Right, love and hugs, TV Willy xxxxxxxxx

029 20229977

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Norman And Me C4 2.40am

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6:00am: CBBC: Little Bear 6:25 The Silver Brumby 6:50 Metalheads 7:15 SMart on the Road 7:30 Yvon of the Yukon Better than Nick of Newfoundland. 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cock Little Cock 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Boo! Aaaaargh, it’s Wayne Rooney.

8:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox 8:45 The Koala Brothers 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 Razzledazzle 9:40 Fimbles 10:00 Fireman Sam 10:10 Tweenies Songtime This week the guys play Wait and Bleed by Slipknot on their kitchen sink. 10:15 64 Zoo Lane 10:30 The Way Things Work I just put my hand in and wiggle it about, that sorts most stuff out. 10:45 Something Special 11:00 Words and Pictures sounds like gair rhydd to be Frank (Butcher).

11:15 Pathways of Belief: Christianity 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:30pm: Working Lunch 1:00 FILM: Bullwhip.

(1958) 2:20 The Great War 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 4:30 Ready Steady Cock 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 6:30 Masterchef Goes Large Starring Rik Waller.

7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Journeys to the Bottom of the Sea Starring Rik Waller and a dinghy 8:30 The Reclaimers.

9:00 Blame the Parents.

9:50 Grown Up Gappers This is about adults who go on gap-years ’cos they’re bored of work and stuff. Like me, I imagine, when I get to 34 having never drank sambuca on the streets of Phuket.

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Budget Response by the Conservative Party 11:25 The Culture Show 12:25am: FILM: The Trespasser 2:00 BBC Learning Zone:

PRIMETIME

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6:00am: Breakfast Today? A Mexican chicken butty from the lovely ladies at the Bute cafe.

9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Trading Up My girlfriend for your Flymo? 11:45 Car Booty Anna Ford? 12:15 Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors This week, messrs: Who, Pepper, Kennedy, Shipman, ...and the Medics. I think I’ve done this one before. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 3:40 CBBC: Arthur 4:05 Chucklevision Starring Noam Chomsky.4:20 The Cramp Twins 4:30 Best of Friends Frank Rijkaard and Jose Mourinho 5:00 Even Stevens 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Max and Lou believe that they may be suspects.They suspect they may be suspects, eh? How suspect.

6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Outtake TV 7:30 EastEnders A gorgeous new arrival on the Square makes a big impression on the men of Walford.

Looks like the muchrumoured return of Dean Gaffney wasn’t just idle chitchat.

8:00 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 9:30 A Life of Grime New York 10:00 BBC News 10:30 Regional News and Weather (Followed by a Budget Response by the Conservative Party) 10:40 Question Time 11:40 This Week 12:25am: FILM: Final Jeopardy. (2001) 1:50 Sign Zone: Watchdog TV Holly in shock return to TV Desk? Wait and see guys!

Way Things Work BBC 2 10.30am

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Trading Up BBC1 11am

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06.00 House of Lords How appropriate that in the week of our lovely union elections (read students embarassing themselves by dressing up as Popeye and gargling Bohemian Rhpasody backwards) that we feature the Beeb’s own dedicated Parliament channel.

Viewers: Seven.

09.00 The Record Parliament The Self Preservation Society, Yes it’s Fucking Political (Skunk Anansie, apparently) 09.30 House of Lords 11.30 Live Environment Questions How many woodbines can a toucan smoke in an hour?

If a falcon is flying at 15mph in a south-westerly direction, what is his preferred brand of fabric softener? How many guinea pigs does it take to make Luciano Pavorotti play chess?

12.30 Live Budget Debate 18.30 House of Lords 23.00 The Record 23.30 Lords Questions How many of you are currently leaping? How many of you are currenty sleeping? How many of you believe in representative dmeocracy, etc. ad infinitum.

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Friday

Page 28

March 14 - 20 2005

theywereaskingforit@gaffertapeandmonkey.org

ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 229977

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 Holiday Airport - Palma. 10.30 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.15 Judge Judy. 12.30 Coronation Street.

1.00 Emmerdale.Baaa 2.00 Trisha. 3.05 Trisha. 4.10 The John Walsh Show. 5.00 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.50 Judge Judy.7.00 Rugby World Cup Sevens 2005 Highlights. 8.00 Vinnie Jones's Orange Playlist.

8.30 American Idol. 9.25 American Idol. 9.50 Jordan and Peter - Laid Bare. 10.50 Coronation Street. 11.20 Celebrities Exposed: Caught in the Act. An amusing look at celebrities who have been unfortunate or stupid enough to be caught doing something dodgy on camera. Featuring Abi Titmuss and her sex video, Russell Crowe fighting, Elton John screaming at journalists, Wayne Rooney and his prostitutes, and Leslie Grantham's web sex. LESLIE GRANTHAM”S WEB SEX???? Am I the only person who finds the idea of this completely and utterly vile?0.20 The Frank Skinner Show. 1.15 Late Show with David Letterman. 2.00 Teleshopping.

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 Entertainment Today 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning.

Including 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.00 60 Minute Makeover.

Boring.. 2.00 I Want That House Revisited. More boring...2.30 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt. Even more boring... 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Thomas and Friends. 3.25 Fun Song Factory.

3.35 Mr Bean: The Animated Series. 3.45 Mucha Lucha.

Attack of the Luchabots 4.00 Globo Loco.4.30 Girls in Love.

Young, Gifted and Single 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.25 ITV Evening News; Weather.

6.55 Budget 2005: The Liberal Democrats.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald.

8.30 FILM: GoldenEye. 10.30 ITV News. Possibly THE most annoying time for a news broadcast, right slap bang in the middle of a film.

11.00 FILM: GoldenEye. 11.30 The Contender.

0.40 Rugby World Cup Sevens 2005 Highlights. 1.35 Entertainment Now! 2.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

2.50 cd:uk Hotshots.

3.15 Riders and Rich Kids.

3.45 World Sport. 4.10 Tonight with Trevor McDonald. Legend.

4.35 Get Stuffed!

Cooking on a budget. 101 recipes made with a single can of baked beans.

4.45 ITV Nightscreen. .

19.00 The Desk Not much happening at the TV desk tonight.

I’ve just eaten too many wine gums and feel a little bit sick.

19.30 Family Ties 20.00 The World is like a great big onion.

20.30 The DVD Collection Stuart Maconie reviews the latest DVD releases.

21.00 European Roots: Volendam A musical portrait of the popular Dutch fishing port of Volendam.

22.00 Time Shift: Jewish Entertainers 22.40 Film: "Cabaret" Starring Liza Minnelli before she became a scary wax-faced monster.

24.40 The DVD Collection 01.10 European Roots 02.10 Time Shift: Jewish Entertainers Maureen Lipman 02.50 Family Ties Apparently I’m a direct descendant of my parents.

03.20 The DVD Collection More scintillating TV gems from BBC4 tonight. The excitement may well finish me off sooo... here’s a midly amusing joke: “Q: Why did Moby cross the road?

A:To go to the vegan resturant.”

Crush BBC1 4.05pm

5:50 Angela Anaconda 6:10 CheltenhamHighlights 6.35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Coach Trip As mind-numbingly boring as my EIGHT hour coach trip to Leeds last weekend..grrr 8:30 The Morning Line 9:30 The Story of the Novel This week’s episode: Mills and Boon.10:20 Weapons of War 10:40 National Gallery: Everydayday Life 10:45 Letters From the Trenches 11:05 Tate Modern: Objects in Odd Places Hmmm. The mind boggles. I once got chocolate buttons stuck up both nostrils.11:10 Teens on Trial: Ben-Dope Smoking Sponsored by the Daily Mail.11:40 Women in The 20th Century 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Cheers 1:00 Channel4 Racing Cheltenham Special 4:30 Coach trip 5:00 Richard and Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Make sure you look away when those twins with the scarily oversized nostrils appear on screen. Apparently if you stare for more than three seconds you turn into stone...

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:30 Spitfire Ace 8:30 Friends 9:00 The Simpsons 9:30 The Simpsons 10:00 Nathan Barley..Last in the series.

10:30 The Friday Night Project With Eamonn Holmes!?

11:35 The Osbournes 12:00 4 Music:Empire Square 12:05 The Osbournes 2:35 4Music Presents...The Stereophonics 1:10 4Music Presents...Moby 1:35 4Music: Popworld 2:20 4Music: Hit40UK 2:50 4 Music:Empire Square

2:00 Without a Trace 3:00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks Darlene, or ‘Scarface’ as my housemates affectionly call her, contines to moan about nothing and everything.

5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:05 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 7:55 Friends 8:25 Friends 9:00 The Games: Athletes in Training 10:00 Film: The Net With Sandra Bullock, whose day in the sun has well and truely set.

I hear she now works as a hot dog vendor.

12:10 Green Wing 1:15 The Games: Athletes in Training 2:15 Without a Trace 3:00 Green Wing And here’s another joke: “Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.” Ha. Ha. Ha. Blame TV Willy for this one.

06.00 Softies 06.05 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.30 Franny's Feet 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Roobarb 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Nodd y 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Elmo's World 08.45 When I Grow up I want to be...on crystal meth.

08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wri ght Stuff 10.00 Film: "Hell on Heels: The Battle of Mary Kay" 11.5 0 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trisha Goddard (Release my Inner Sexpot!)

15.40 Film: "Danielle Steel's A P erfect Stranger" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 The Gadget Show Technology show. Jon Bentley and Jason Bradbury profile the top 10 iconic gadgets of yesteryear, including the com puter mouse and Sony Walk man; and review some mode rn classics,although they neglect to mention the SodaStream.

20.00 A Dream Home Abroad 21.00 Co lin and Justin's Ce lebrity How Not to Decorate Tony Blackburn Don’t put tinsel on him. He gets angry.

22.05 Make Me a Supermo del and while you’re at it, make me Prime Minister, the Pope, the Queen and the supreme leader of the entire universe.

23.05 How to Be a Superflirt Step 1: Feign some kind of fit.

Step 2: Foam at the mouth.

Step 3: Demand assistance from your object of lust. This tried-and-tested method never fails.

24.10 The Gadget Show 24.40 Film: "Telefon"

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6:00 CBBC: Little Bear. Claire Chitty 6:25 The Silver Brumby.

7:15 The Make Shift. 7:30 Yvon of the Yukon. A Rival's Arrival.

7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook.

8:20 Tots TV. Missing the Bus. 8:30 Boo! Never cures hiccups.

8:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox. 8:45 The Koala Brothers. 9:00 Tweenies. 9:20 Razzledazzle.

9:40 Fimbles. 10:00 Fireman Sam. 10:10 Tweenies Songtime.

10:15 64 Zoo Lane. 10:30 Primary History. Indus Civilisation: Mohenjo-Daro.

10:50 Primary History. 11:10 The Chat Room. 11:30 Social Inclusion Dramas. 11:50 Primary Geography. 12:05pm: The Munsters. 12:30 Working Lunch. 1:30 The Flying Gardener. 1:40 The Flying Gardener. 1:50 House Invaders.

2:20 The Great War. 3:00 Castle in the Country. 3:30 Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting. 4:30 Ready Steady Cook.

5:15 Weakest Link. 6:00 Flog It! 6:30 Masterchef Goes Large. 7:00 Pensions Panic: All Worked Up. 7:30 A Year at Kew. 8:00 Royal Gardeners.

8:30 Gardeners' World.

What a horticultural feast for the senses BBC2 has on for us tonight.I’m off to whisper sweet nothings to my houseplants...

9:00 Timewatch.

Concorde: A Love Story.

9:50 Dear Television...Thankyou for filling my empty social calender with hours of quality entertainment.

10:00 Grumpy Old Women 10:30 Newsnight.

11:00 Newsnight Review. 11:35 Budget Response by the Liberal Democrats. 11:40 Who Killed Kirsty MacColl? 12:40 FILM: The Human Jungle.Rubber Duck

Objects in Odd Places C4 11.05am

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19.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days A humourous look at the lyrics of the Craig David hit.

19.30 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions I HATE Robbie Williams.

He’s a bit like marmite, you either love him or hate him. I, for the record, happen to love marmite.

20.00 Trauma Realising that it’s 12.55am and you’ve still not finished the sodding TV page.

20.30 BBC Three News 21.00 Not Under My Roof: Morris Dancing 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Shit. A.k.a “Graveyard for Hollyoaks Rejects.”

23.00 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 23.30 Destination Three 23.35 Twisted Tales 24.10 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 24.45 Burn It Keane 01.20 Burn It Ashley Simpson.

02.05 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions 03.05 Not Under My Roof The trooping of the colour.

Cabaret BBC4 10.40pm

PRIMETIME

6:00 Breakfast. 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy. And so begins the utter shite of BBC morning programming...10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 Trading Up. 11:45 Car Booty.

12:15pm: Cash in the Attic.

1:00 BBC News; Weather.

1:30 Regional News and Weather.

1:40 Neighbours.

2:05 Doctors.

2:35 Murder, She Wrote:Where Have You Gone, Billy Boy? Angela Lansbury partakes in a sweaty game of quasar with Billy Idol.

3:20 BBC News & Weather; 3:25 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog. 3:40 CBBC: Arthur. 4:05 Crush. Mmmm Bob Geldof 4:30 Stitch Up. 5:00 Blue Peter... Once filmed an episode in my garden.5:25 Newsround.

5:35 Neighbours. Gritty Stuff these days.

6:00 BBC News. 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 A Question of Sport.

7:30 Top of the Pops.

8:00 EastEnders.

8:30 My Hero. Sir Trevor McDonald.

9:00 The Two Ronnies Sketchbook. With, for some bizarre reason...

Katie Melua.

10:00 BBC News.

10:30 Regional News and Weather.

10:40 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross. With Beck.

11:40 FILM: Hard Target.

Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

1:20am: Joins BBC News 24.

Now seems like the ideal time to wish you all a lovely Easter holiday. Don’t eat too many Easter eggs. They give u eggsma. Hehe. God Lord I’m on fire tonight...

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06.00 House of Lords 09.00 The Record 09.30 Live House of Commons Charlotte Church, Jordan, Coleen Mcloughlan,Jade Goody, All of Girls Aloud, Jodie Marsh, Blazin’ Squad, Abi Titmuss, Mel C,Jesse Wallace, Nicki Sanderson. Chavs the lot of ‘em.

15.00 House of Lords 18.00 Select Committees 22.30 Politics England Reports on the key regional and local issues on the English political scene.Today angry pensioners demand that tax be abolished on all TenaLady products.

23.00 The Record The week's debates, exchanges and developments in Parliament.

24.00 Political and Parliamentary Highlights Including John Prescott’s pedicure, and Michael Howard wrestling a squirrel who had trespassed parliment seeking asylum from his native tree, where he had been persecuted against by the other woodland creatures for his poor nut-nibbling skills. It’s very, very late. I may be losing my mind...

Saturday

March 14 - 20 2005

Page 29

annoyingfrogsbits@hustler.sw

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Rugby World Cup Sevens 2005 Live Commentary comes from John Taylor and Jon Champion with Steve Smith and Jamie Salmon. Haha imagine if it really was a salmon called Jamie presenting this.

11.45 Coronation Street 14.05 The Contender 16.30 Rugby World Cup Sevens 2005 Highlights 17.30 cd:uk 18.30 Planet's Funniest Animals No. 54 Javine’s breasts.

19.05 Celebrity Fit Club 20.05 Movies Now 20.15 Nanny 911 Spike and Jimmy learn the ropes from Louise Woodward on the ‘hands on’ approach to being a nanny.

21.15 Film: The Siege 23.25 Jordan and Peter - Laid Bare Urrgh.

24.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

01.30 Emmerdale Omnibus 03.55 Teleshopping 04.55 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.30 Rugby World Cup Sevens 2005 Live Mmmm ITV, isn’t this an exciting alternative to the Six Nations trophy.

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19.00 Dance Film Academy 20.00 There Will Be Something Later Thanks for that insight.

“There Will Be Something Even More Pretentious Than This” later, more like.

20.30 Cast and Crew 21.10 Film: Four Days in September 22.55 The Late Edition 23.25 Blowing up Paradise 24.45 Time Shift: Greenham Common ... Changed my Life No not about Ron Davies, that was Clapham Common you pervs.

01.30 Death on the Staircase 02.15 Cast and Crew The members of hideous Merseyside britpop chancers Cast square up to the So Solid Crew in a rolled up newspaper fight for death or glory. But preferably death, 02.55 Blowing up Paradise I’m presuming “Paradise” is the name of a catalogue rubber doll here.

03.55 Close My muse seems to have left me when I left my house this morning. Anyone got one I can borrow. I checked my pockets, and I’m also missing a sense of humour, a chunk of dignity and a packet of confidence. Offers?

2:00pm Switched 2:25pm hit40uk 2:50pm Hollyoaks Omnibus Debbie Does Chester.

5:00pm hit40uk 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Will Young Live Play your version of Hey Ya or feel my wrath you woofter.

7:00pm Point Pleasant 8:00pm Point Pleasant 9:00pm Point Pleasant 10:00pm The Sex Stars They Tried to Ban 11:05pm X-Rated: The Sex Films They Tried to Ban 12:35am Constantine: T4 Movie Special This looks crap.

1:05am Ali G in Da USAIII Sacha Baron-Cohen in shit creek in terms of original material.

1:35am Line of Fire How to snort mustard.

2:25am The Sex Stars The Tried to Ban 3:15am Switched So yes: this weeks top tunes, which I haven’t done for a while: Lindsay Lohan, Out Hud, Antony and the Johnsons, The Duhks, Motley Crue, The Blood Brothers, El Capitan (the only good track on the new Idlewild album) and the mighty SLINT.

06.00 Sunrise 06.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 07.20 Milkshake!

07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 The Book of Pooh 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Beyblade 09.30 Xcalibur 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys Brighton to Cardiff, changing at Hove, Southampton and Bristol Temple Meads.

10.55 RAD - The Groms Tour America 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Film: "Danielle Steel's Fine Things" Legendary author Danielle Steele reveals the contents of her arsonist kitbag.

16.20 Film: Buddy 17.50 Charmed 18.40 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Hooray! It’s back on television! Boo! it’s on five!

19.30 Film: Tarzan and the Lost City Tarzan discovers Coventry.

20.55 five news 21.10 CSI:NY 22.05 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.00 Make Me a Supermodel Out of play-doh: now you fools!

24.00 Film: Blue Heat 01.50 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 02.35 Film: Dangerous Attraction Mmm I really want to lick that man-trap.

04.05 Sunset Beach 04.50 The Invaders 05.35 Sons and Daughters Yeeeah so anyway, I’ve not had much chance to watch TV this week as I’ve had three seasons of Seinfeld to plough through, and I bought the first season of Carnivale on DVD on Monday, and so I’m afraid the 5.35am repeat of Sons and Daughters has to take a back seat, alas.

Kangaroos are funny.

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5:50am Angela Anaconda 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Transworld Sport 8:55am T4 Whats-his-name the Welsh guy and the other one have Queens of the Stone Age, who are now boring, in the studio.

T4: Futurama 9:30am T4: Freaky 9:50am T4: hit40uk 10:20am T4: One Tree Hill 11:20am T4: Fiends 11:55am T4: The Simple Life 12:55pm T4: Fool Around… With Jodie Marsh 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:20pm Here on Earth 6:00pm Morgan and Platell Piers Morgan and Amanda Platell desperately try to be hip by sounding like a crime fighting duo a la Bodie and Doyle, and then disappoint us all by flogging the dead horse that is a media insight instead.

6:30pm Channel 4 News 7:00pm Surviving Extremes 8:00pm Surviving Extremes 9:10pm We Were Soldiers ...before doing this, can’t you tell?

11:45pm The Friday Night Project 12:50am Nathan Barley This has taken such a slating from Chris Morris fans, so part of me is thinking I don’t mind missing every single episode of this, and it kind of makes me feel a lot less stupid too.

1:25am Dracula: Prince of Darkness Thr Michael Howard story. The Darkness they’re referring to is obviously Port Talbot.

3:00am Film: The Crazies George Romero sci-fi horror classic. Surely that description fits all his films? I bet that’s his epitaph. Is he even dead? Hope so.

Erm...

5:50am Close Hat of the week: Bowler.

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12.30 ITV News; Weather.

12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

12.40 Creature Comforts. The Beach 12.50 Hardware 1.20 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix Qualifying 3.05 Midsomer Murders. Death of a Stranger Hardware?

Midsomer Murders? What is this, Sunday night?

5.05 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 5.20 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather.

5.35 New You've Been Framed.

6.05 Stars in Their Eyes.

So who would TV Desk be on Stars in their Eyes? TV Will: “Shed Seven legend Rick Witter”, Manners: “Mick Hucknall” TV John: “that hilarious fucker from Tenacious D”, TV Grace: “Ashlee Simpson” TV Katie: “Usher” 7.05 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway.

8.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.15 An Audience with Al Murray 10.15 Parkinson.11.15 ITV News. 11.30 FILM: William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet Overrated Baz Luhmann postmodern drivel for undersexed teenagers 1.30 Rugby World Cup Sevens 2005 Highlights.

2.20 cd:uk. 3.10 Entertainment Now! 3.35 Dare to Believe.

4.05 Mixmaster Mixmaster Mike from The Beastie Boys presents public access TV for DJs. 4.30 Cybernet.

4.55 ITV Nightscreen.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

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19.00 BBC Three Outtakes Show Can you even imagine anything worse than “bloopers” from Two Pints of Lager...? The answer to that is no, by the way.

19.10 Liquid Assets 20.10 Job for the Slob 1> TV desk writer. 2> Radio One Breakfast show presenter. 3> Singer with popular cockney jukie indie group. 4> Football agent 5> Porno director 6> Dr Who fan club president.

Alternatively - ‘Job for the Slob’ fnarrr!

21.10 The Last Laugh 22.10 Film: Castaway Film starring Tom Hanks, so therefore bollocks by default, made worse by the fact that 95% of the screen time is taken up by his sweaty, greasy face covered in bush fluff.

24.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.55 Twisted Tales 01.25 Grass 02.20 Liquid Assets 03.20 The Last Laugh He who laughs last doesn’t get the joke.

04.20 Close Let’s get close, closer than close. Closer than you ever could imagine clo-o-ose.

6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year. 10:30 The Best.

11:00 The Nation's Favourite Food. 11:30 Bill's Food.

12:00pm: See Hear. 12:45 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross. 1:15 Racing from Uttoxeter. 2:50 Athletics: World Cross-Country Championships. 3:50 FILM: Doctor Who and the Daleks.

5:10 Gardeners' World.

5:30 Flog It! 6:30 Around the World in 80 Treasures.

7:30 The Story of Doctor Who. 8:30 Some Things You Need To Know About Dr Who. 1> It’s exclusively watched by gravel-munching pork buggerers, 2> Quench contributors like to dress up as him, 3> TV Willy downloaded the new episodes off the internet and is now denying it.

8:40 Dr Who Mastermind.

9:10 Arena: Francis Bacon's Arena Fnarrr! I’ve played there. This sounds a bit average, but the music’s

by Brian Eno so let’s get funky.

10:50 The Apprentice.

11:50 Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

12:20am: FILM: Love Is the Devil: Study for a Portrait of Francis Bacon.1:45 Joins BBC News 24.

2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: The Passionate Statistician “ I can make you cum in 14/56 degrees of a second at an angle of 47.5 degrees, you know” 2:30 The World Network.

3:00 Unearthing the Woodwide Web.3:30 Life on a Thread 4:00 Seal Secrets He farms gerbils and lizards. in cages exlusively for his flambe restaurant

Cast and Cre w BBC4 2.15am

Your Union

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers. 7:00 CBBC: Arthur 7:25 Astro Boy. Only a Machine 7:45 Tom and Jerry Kids.

Insulting tribute to the legacy of Tom and Jerry, in which they speak to each other and that kind of cack. Much like Muppet babies. Why do they do this to us? 8:10 Taz-Mania. 8:35 The Scooby-Doo Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday.

12:00pm: BBC News; Weather.

12:10 Football Focus. 12:45 Six Nations Grandstand. 12:50 Six Nations Rugby Union. Italy v France. Victory for France2:55 Around the Grounds. 3:00 Six Nations Rugby Union. Wales v Ireland. 4:15 Football Latest 4:20 SIx Nations Rugby Union.

Wales v Ireland. Victory for the pub as most people would rather be there than watch the Irish play their tedious style of egg chasing.

5:15 Football Results.

5:25 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:45 Six Nations Grandstand England v Scotland Championship.

7:45 The National Lottery Jet Set. 8:20 Casualty.

9:10 Archangel.

10:10 BBC News; Weather.

10:30 Match of the Day. 12:00am: FILM: Nightwatch.

Ewan McGregor stars in this homegrown (ie inferior) psychological (ie complicated) thriller (ie theres a couple of fights) set in a morgue I think. 1:40 A Question of Sport Just in case you hadn’t died of rugby overdose today, heres that smug duffer Matt Dawson to wave you peacefully off to sleep with his dulcet (ie posh) tones.2:10 Top of the Pops 2:40 Joins BBC News 24.

Doctor Who Mastermind BBC2 8.40pm

Switched E4 3.15am

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06.00 Westminster Hall 10.00 Scottish First Minister's Questions “Och aye - hoots man who’s pilfered ma haggis? I got noo breakfast foo mammy and me noo” 10.30 Scottish Parliament “Hoots - The footh amendment, Ma nessie doon Loch Noch needs some protuction man” 13.00 Northern Ireland “I’ll kneecap ye, ye pesky lying Mick” 15.00 Welsh First Ministers Questions “Anyone seen my trousers?”

15.50 Welsh Assembly 18.00 Nuclear Decommissioning Check this out for a three hour party down on BBC Parliament. Prime time action, phew.

21.00 Party Leader Spring Conference Speeches “Hello. Is thing on? Anyone? Oh, ok cool!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Let’s talk about sex” 23.00 The Record: Brussels “Hello this is Brussels welcommen to my - how you say - boring? country yah. It is ein great pleasure to talking with you all” 23.30 Straight Talk 24.00 Political and Parlimentary Highlights

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Sunday

Page 30

March 14 - 20 2005

whoburneddownlou’splace@paulrobinson.aus

7.00 The DVD Collection 7.30 H G Wells and Me I hate to ruin the theme running through today’s listings but H.G. Wells is dead. Mate. 8.00 British Isles: A User's Guide to Natural History 9.00 Hindu Nation Oasis concept album. 9.50 India: Final Solution Rakesh Sharmaâ_™s 11.20 FILM: Amarcord (1973) 01.20 The DVD Collection I can’t be arsed with making these lists any more. Although this week I would add Quadrophenia. 01.50 British Isles: A User's Guide to Natural History 02.50 H G Wells and Me 03.20 The DVD Collection 03.50 Close This week has been a fairly quiet one on the music front. My cd of the week has to be The Velvet Underground’s Banana. Candy Says, ruined by my guitar playing, is awesome. On the (copied) version of the album I have, Sunday Morning makes an appearance which is my chillout choone of the moment. So there you are, go and buy Banana this week to get yourself into the gair rhydd vibe. Yeah, down with the kids.

5:50 Angela Anaconda 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 World Cup Skiing 8:25 Vee-TV 8:55 T4: Switched 9:25 T4: Popworld 10:20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 1:00 T4: H Side Story 1:30 T4: Constantine Special: T4 Movie Special Well done Keanu for making another film exactly like your previous three. Dick. 2:05 T4: Friends 2:40 T4: The O.C. For a moment, I thought Jim Robinson had returned to Neighbours, until I was reliably informed it was actually Paul Robinson. Not Paul Daniels. (die hard Neighbours fans will understand the logic.) 3:40 T4: Freaky Talmage in the mornings.

4:05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 5:00 Time Team 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Scrapheap Challenge USA 7:30 Channel 4 News 8:00 Bremner, Bird And Fortune 9:00 The Wedding Planner (2000) News Desk have reliably informed me that this is a fucking awful film.

With J Lo in it though, what do you expect? Fucking fat arsed girls do not make the world go round. The just get in the way and block doorways.

11:00 Top Ten: Pop Princesses Dawn French, Jackie Stallone, Joss Stone, The Faders, Kylie. I can’t think of any more obnoxious tarts. 0:35 South Park 01:05 Reasons To Be Cheerful It’s Sunday, this is the TV Guide, Busted split up, it’s almost the end of term, I could teach your children, Doyle hasn’t had sex with any of the new monkies in the office.

01:15 KOTV 01:45 The World Football Show 02:10 French Football: Le Championnat

2:00 The Games: Athletes In Training 3:00 The Games: Athletes In Training 4:00 The games: Athletes In Training 5:00 H Side Story Annoying, blonde, twatting, merry, hyperactive cunt. 5:30 Friends 6:00 The O.C. 7:00 Point Pleasant 8:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 9:00 ER 10:00 Desperate Housewives What a week in Wisteria Lane. Bree’s husband had a heart attack following his kinky sex games, Mr Solis is a liar, Louis Lane loves the plumber and Mrs Hoober’s sister is hot on the trail of the murderer. I’m positively moist with excitement at the prospect of next week’s episode. 11:00 Constantine: T4 Movie Special 11:30 The O.C. 12:25 Point Pleasant I still haven’t seen this show yet and neither has anyone in the office. We’d like to though. 1:20 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 2:10 ER 3:00 The Games: Athletes In Training Fit boy Rick Waller joins Sports Desk in a sponsered run for Comic Relief. To be fair, watching fat people run is pretty fucking hilarious.

6.00 Softies 6.05 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 6.30 Franny's Feet 6.40 Oswald 6.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 7.20 Milkshake! 7.25 Make Way for Noddy Noddy desperately searches for a phone box to call his beloved Tinkerbell back home. Unfortunately, a wino is holed up inside, using the receiver for anal relief. A frustrated Noddy continues to search the mean streets of the big city for some way back to Toyland. 7.40 Make Way for Noddy 7.55 The Book of Pooh 8.30 The Save-Ums! 8.45 The Save-Ums! 9.00 Insect Antics 9.05 Peppa Pig 9.10 The Ice Cream Machine 9.25 George Shrinks 10.00 Don't Blame the Koalas for global warming, smog in China, TV Desk. 10.30 Combat Club 11.00 Snobs 11.35 Make It Big 12.05 Braceface 12.35 Divine Designs 1.05 five news update 1.15 Easter in Art 1.50 Film: 4 for Texas (1963) 4.00 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the Notorious Nun (1986) 5.55 five news 6.10 FILM: Teen Wolf (1985) 8.00 Joey 8.30 Two and a Half Men 9.00 FILM: Commando (1985) ‘I eat green berets for breakfast’ is the classic one liner from Cali’s governor in this film. News Desk have fallen at the first hurdle (after astonishing film knowledge re: J Lo) since they haven’t seen this film.

10.45 World's Wildest Police Videos 11.45 Dumber and Dumber 0.15 2005 Winter X Games 0.50 NCAA College Basketball 01.55 Sunshine Golf Tour 02.45 Portuguese Football: Sporting Lisbon v Penafiel 04.25 Dutch Football

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6.00 Rugby World Cup Sevens 2005 Live 11.30 Cameron Diaz... Love Chain An insight into Diaz’s obsession for nipple clamps and how this has affected her sex life as bearded men often get caught up in her chains to the detriment of the sexual pleasure. 12.00 American Idol 12.30 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 1.40 Emmerdale Omnibus 4.25 Coronation Street Omnibus 6.50 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 8.00 American Idol 8.50 American Idol 9.20 Jordan and Peter - Laid Bare 10.20 Coronation Street 10.50 Desperately Seeking Sheila 11.50 Celebrities Exposed: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover By post-it, by a message in a bottle, by carrier pigeon, smoke signals, semaphore or TV Willy’s idea of dangling your lover over the side of a bridge until they swear never to call again. 0.50 Vinnie Jones's Orange Playlist Suckerpunch by Bowling For Soup and Marilyn Manson’s Fight Song feature 01.20 Emmerdale Omnibus 03.50 Teleshopping

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Quite funny to look at though.

6.00 House of Horrors 6.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.35 Budget 2005: Plaid Cymru, The Party of Wales And thankfully, that means they will never, ever get elected in Cardiff. Or anywhere else for that matter.

Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales. Arse.

6.40 ITV News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 Diamond Geezer A revolutionary documentary featuring the likes of Paul Robinson (back once again with the renegade master), Jamie Oliver, Huw Edwards and Matthew Wright.

Between them they prop up the sales of mopeds and flat caps.

11.00 ITV News 11.15 Rugby World Cup Sevens 2005 Highlights 0.15 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix Highlights 01.15 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.10 Trisha 03.05 Today with Des and Mel 03.55 National Treasure Uncovered Waking up with TV John. 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

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6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 7:30 Smile 10:30 Sunday Style 12:00 Home Front in the Garden 12:30 Wild Down Under 1:20 Sunday Grandstand 1:35 British Freestyle Skiing Championships 1:45 Boxing: ABA Finals 1:55 London Olympic Bid News 3:00 Swimming: British Championships 4:30 Athletics: World Cross-Country Championships 5:30 Wild Scotland 5:40 Big Cat Diary: Family Histories Cat had sex with a dog and made Cat:dog.

Great.

6:10 Natural World 7:00 Yukon River: The Challenge Can one man drink the entire contents of the river? My guessing is no but I’ve heard that in preparation, he didn’t have a drink when he left home this morning.

8:00 Ray Mears' Bushcraft 9:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks Now that the guy from Stereogram has appeared on the show the floodgates have been opened. TV Willy is waiting for the call as we speak. I reckon Jordan’s new pop career means she’s a dead cert.

9:30 HELP I’m locked in a walnut and I can’t get out.

10:00 Outlaws 10:30 Match of the Day 2 11:20 Arrested Development 11:45 Arrested Development 0:05 Rugby Special 0:45 FILM: Jailbreakers (1994) 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Get Confident: The Tool Kit to Communicating: Making the Best of Yourself 03:00 The Tool Kit to Communicating: Talking with Others 04:00 Confidence Zone 1 05:00 Confidence Zone

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7.00 Spendaholics 8.00 Film: What Women Want (2000) Doyle has spend his entire life figuring out this wonder of the modern world, and unfortunately for us lot, has suceeded more than should be allowed in civilised society. The term ‘sowing your seed’ is the motto he lives by each and every day.

10.00 Casanova 11.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 11.30 Twisted Tales 0.00 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 0.30 Swiss Toni I could use that old chesnut, ‘writing at TV Desk is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman’ but I’d be lying because it’s more like licking a bald man’s armpit. And then tying a news monkey up with gaffa tape and throwing him onto the balcony.

01.00 Lip Smackin' Barbecue pizza on a Thursday night.

01.30 Spendaholics 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Twisted Tales The dastardly demise of Lou’s Place and the cafe in Neighbours. The world’s turning upside down.

03.25 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 03.55 Close

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6:00 Breakfast 8:10 Match of the Day 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:30 Countryfile 12:30 The Politics Show 1:30 EastEnders 3:25 Father Dowling Investigates his own alleged paedophile ring.

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair that a kiddy feeler should investigate his own case. 4:15 My Family 4:45 Songs of Praise 5:25 The Adventures of Robert Louis Stevenson Again, this can’t really be too good because, yup, you guessed it, he’s dead.

6:25 Last of the Summer Wine STOP MAKING NEW SHOW. YOU’RE ALL DEAD. 6:55 Antiques Roadshow 7:45 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:10 Casualty 9:00 Archangel At last! A fancy history based adaptation of Robert Hariss’s book. Now clearly this could be shit but the book’s not bad so here’s hoping.

10:00 BBC News; Weather 10:15 Panorama 11:15 Billy Connolly's World Tour of England, Ireland and Wales Somehow this show managed to make this listings every week and yet no one watches it. Has anyone enjoyed the live show yet? Thought not.

11:45 FILM: The Last Seduction (1994) Doyle strikes again. As the term nears its end, Doyle realises his chances of sleeping with the new News Monkeys are falling by the wayside. In an act of desperation he uses a gaffa taped Menon to lure his unsuspecting victim into his sordid parlour. Rest in peace dear News monkey. 01:35 Joins BBC News 24.

P R I M E T I M E

029 20229977

Archangel BBC1 9pm

P

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6.00 Westminster Hall 10.30 Prime Minister's Questions What’s happened to your hair?

Why doesn’t your wife ever lower her creepy smile? When will you stop making Blair babies? Is Martin Bashir related to you?

11.00 The Record 12.00 America This Week 3.00 Politics Scotland 3.30 Hearts and Minds 4.00 Dragon's Eye I used to watch a schools programme when I was younger called ‘Through The Dragon’s Eye’ which was awesome. Each week you had to solve wordy puzzles to find gold bars or something. I can’t quite remember exactly what the show was about but it was great. 4.30 The Record: Brussels 5.00 Dateline London 5.45 Ten Minute Rule Bill Finally the law is changing to make the ten minute (or seconds as the gair rhydd law states) rule, law. No longer can News claim computers when they fuck off for hours on end.

6.00 Lords: BBC Charter Renewal Committee 0.00 Westminster Hall Riveting repeats of the House Of Commons from the week.

Letters

Page 32

March 14 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

The gair rhydd letters page Letters Desk has been suitably refreshed this week by the positive letters that we have been sent. While this is your place to have your say and rant about anything you want, it’s nice to see a bit of happiness filling the pages.

This week I’d like to draw everyone’s attention to Simon’s letter.

He mentions that he “didn’t really know if people were supposed to write in with their thoughts about the newspaper.” I’d like to remind everyone that gair rhydd is a newspaper for you and without your views we cannot produce a paper that you want to read.

We always value your comments, whether good or bad. Perri

Some well-deserved thanks Dear gair rhydd, I would like to thank all the children and young people who volunteered during the second month of the Year of the Volunteer 2005.

February was Youth and Children Month and across the country over 50 projects and events attracted new volunteers and helped promote the diverse and dynamic volunteering children and young people do.

Discussions on volunteering’s ‘bling factor’ highlighted how young people bring a fresh and exciting approach to volunteering. There was no greater display of this than the launch of a video produced by Barnardo’s that featured various volunteering projects from mentoring to swimming instructors to working in an animal shelter.

Youth and Children Month has showed the nation that young people and children are passionate about quality, well-supported volunteering opportunities, where they are given the freedom to be creative in helping others. Using the forthcoming Russell Commission recommendations, we will be working throughout the rest of the year to keep young people engaged with the campaign and enthused about volunteering.

Daniel Wood, Chair British Youth Council (BYC), Lead Partner ‘Youth

text

and Children Month’ Year of the Volunteer 2005 www.yearofthevolunteer.org

The boy did good Dear gair rhydd, I didn’t really know if people were supposed to write in with their thoughts about the newspaper, but it can’t do much harm. I just thought that Caleb Woodbridge’s article was a great piece of work. A superb inspiring article verging on a life-guide!

I already believed all the things which were said but this clarified and ordered those thoughts. I know too many people who live to one day become filthy rich, and why? So that they can buy anything they want?

When people say, “when I can drive around in one of those everywhere I go I’ll be happy” I reply, “I feel sorry for you.”

Simon

The Killers: death of the true fan?

Dear gair rhydd, Like the Quench reviewer of the recent NME gig I was seriously distraught at the seemingly inept and flatulent response of the crowd to the Futureheads and Bloc Party while they waited for their beloved Killers’

magnificence.

The inability of the crowd to respond with any form of excitement was seriously dispiriting. The crowd was full of histrionic, Vodka and Coke-drinking, Motel-wearing, Keane and Athlete-loving, pseudotrash scenesters. They were the kind of cultural rapists who roll the NME tightly up their ass repeatedly in the vain and idiotic belief that it will somehow endow them with the ability to blend in and be trés chic. The type of yuppie-pissers who oh-solove The Killers darling, but have never heard of The Cure or Joy Division except for some vague reminisce about Love Cats and something to do with ‘love’ and ‘tearing’ and ‘apart’.

Do not get me wrong, I’m glad that bands such as The Killers are reaping the benefits of their peerless pop magnificence, but the people who adore them to the simplistic point of owning their album and wearing their T-shirt is a thing of grotesque banality. It’s like the empty headed fools that have a poster of Che Guevara adorning their wall without truly knowing the origins of his myth.

It seems there is currently a hefty flooding of whoring fashionistas whose primary directive is to gobble up the tastes and trends of others in a vain attempt to feed their ego and fill the vacuous chasm of their soul. I know university works best as a melting pot of tastes and fashions, but when individuality is usurped by tedious conformity and repetition it becomes a cesspit of Bar Risa crossover carnivores and Barbarella ponces. Mr Brightside indeed.

Lewis Curtis, final year grouch and eternal optimist

Liberal views Dear gair rhydd, When reading Carrie Farwell’s article last week I was intrigued by the

07791165837

Neighbours was explosive-tastic! Down with Sindi!!

OH-MY-GOD. Neighbours. Whoa. It hasn’t been that exciting since Helen died.

I can call you Betty and Betty when you call you can call me Al! But what is TV Manners’ real name? Answers via text.

To see TV Willy dance

to Paul Simon, text Woopwooplookatthosem oves to 08000048667376572658 Goodness, gracious great balls of Dave Congratulations to the guy who tried to eat my balloon@Rubber duck last night. You failed.

I like the Pope, the pope smokes dope Ross H has big balls. I mean BIG

opening paragraph that talked about the General Election and the ‘large quandary’ that British voters would have to deal with. Finally, I thought, students are talking about real political issues.

However, I was wrong. The article should have been called “a Labour love in, with no value added fax”. I am not writing this just because I do not like Labour and Carrie does, but because anyone reading the article is none the wiser about who or why they should vote for a certain party.

Carrie believes that “opposition to the Government is practically nonexistent.” A fair point of view even if not everyone will agree, but why does she think this? Is it because the Tory belief that tax can be reduced and yet quality can be kept the same should be viewed with a pinch of salt, or even more simply that noone trusts Michael Howard after he introduced the poll tax? Carrie does not say.

Another way to back up her statement with facts could be to demonstrate the positives a Labour Government have brought. However thinking about it the time and resources needed to do that would be enormous and still she would not have any valid points.

Finally, Carrie dismisses the third way, (oh if only Tony Blair had done that with his third way), the Liberal Democrats, without any other reason other than they will not win the General Election. Even though she will probably be proved right, voting is not just about voting the party that can win. I feel we should all follow the lead of the Wales’ football fans; even though they know they will loose, they still support their team.

Another reason she should not dismiss the Liberal Democrats is because in Cardiff Central, the constituency we will vote in the General Election, Labour only has a 659 majority over the Lib Dem candidate Jenny Willott. (who happens to be attractive, blokes check out www.jennywillott.com) A vote for the

Liberal Democrats in Cardiff is not a wasted vote by any means.

I will conclude this letter with a final thought. Is it any wonder that young people don’t get involved in politics when the issues, proposals and facts are not discussed? Lets get the proper discussion going so people can have an informed vote!

Chris Ankers It must be remembered that Carrie’s column is an opinion page. It makes no claims to be neutral.

Please email your letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com

corrections and clarifications The article entitled Students Flock to Cardiff was attributed to Tristan Hunt. It was actually written by Sophie Robehmed.

The Woodville Road article in gair rhydd 782 Media section was written by Rachel Howells.

The NUS ‘Yes’ leaflet was paid for independently of gair rhydd. The newspaper does not/ did not endorse any of the views enclosed within.

Please note that, like all gair rhydd and Quench sections, the Letters page has a new email address.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

letter of the week Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas. They will be available from the forth floor of the Union.

NUS disaffiliation during an educational crisis?

No thanks Dear gair rhydd, This week I have been shocked by the one-sided debate on the issue of disaffiliation with the NUS. The fact that a glossy four page leaflet outlining the arguments for leaving the NUS was produced without a hint of an article on why we should remain affliliated suggests strongly that those who are running the union are conductiong a campaign much like a third world election.

It seems silly to me that at the time when massive changes are

occuring in the education system we would want to leave an organization that, although not perfect, is effectively our best safeguard against top-up fees. As education is becoming more market-like and we are increasingly becoming consumers rather than students, conflict between what the ‘education companies’ and us the consumers want is inevitable. For example as Cardiff University attempts to compete with other top universities there will be a need for it to earn extra cash from us. Therefore when top-up fees are introduced there will be pressure on universities to raise tuition costs. This could leave us in a situation similar to the USA where many working people are effectively priced out of educa-

tion.

Having a national voice that represents the will of students is vital if we want to fight against the elitist education system that is being introduced in this country.

Therefore for less than a fiver per student per year surely this isn’t too much money for a national voice and a chance to have some say in the future of higher education. In my opinion the question is, how should NUS change to further benefit students? The people who run the union at the moment should ask themselves whether they are voting for disaffiliation for the benefit of students or to increase the power they posses.

Adam

Five Minute Fun

March 14 2005

Page 33

fiveminutefun@gairrhydd.com

The Big Quiz* * better than a small quiz

3. An American state has a law which states that it is illegal for a donkey to sleep in a bathtub, but which state?

A: B: C: D:

1. Who said “I’m bored with it all,” before slipping into a coma and then passing away?

A: B: C: D: E:

Lord Byron John F. Kennedy Charles Darwin Ghandi Winston Churchill

The UK feature

Arizona New Jersay New York Florida

1) About 66% of magazines found tossed along US roadsides are pornographic.

4. Who was originally cast as Indiana Jones?

A: B: C: D: E:

Time for the first and possibly last Useless Knowledge feature, which will dazzle you with its uselessness.

Tom Selleck Mr. T Rober t De Niro Mark Hamill The guy who played Chewbacca

2) A badminton racquet was once known as a battledore.

3) The first contraceptive diaphragms, centuries ago, were citrus rinds.

4) The brain of neanderthal man was larger than that of modern man, with a capacity 100cc larger.

5) In terms of composition, the substance that human blood most resembles is seawater.

2. Novelist John Grisham is related to Bill Clinton, but how?

A: 16th cousin

Answer Zone: 1.E, 2.A, 3.A, 4.A

?

B: 13th cousin C: Auntie D: 2nd cousin

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Hello and welcome to another week of fun that could last you the whole five minutes. Remember, we have never tried to guarantee the whole five minutes. New feature this week, as we introduce the UK Feature, otherwise known as Useless Knowledge! It is going to be great as you learn pointless facts to impress your friends. This will probably work best on friends that for some reason have not read the paper. Before I finish, a quick well done to Nikki Jennings who won the last crossword competition. I am concerned that the Disney character she would choose to be is Bambi’s Mom so hopefully a free meal will cheer her up. That’s all from me for now. Same time next week, you fun-loving people.

Bren

in the event of a tie . . .

which celeb would you never kiss?

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Favourite Food: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

Page 35

The Phil Collins Photo Casebook EP.5 WEEK 1

Dr. Matthew problempage@gairrhydd.com - an airport is taking off

Goldfish and babies Dear Dr. Matt OK, check out this shit!

Phil was horribly bored. Deciding to do something, he sat down and designed a time machine in three hours and twenty cigarettes.

For the last year my housemate has been buying a new goldfish every week and then feeding it to her pet piranha.

Now, when I found out I thought this was the height of hilarity, but last week I discovered something which shook me to my very core.

Thinking she was out, I went into her room to borrow her perfume (she never lets me use it you see), but unfortunately she was definitely in.

To put it bluntly, she had the majority of her writing hand inserted in her ‘special place’ whilst Trevor (the piranha) devoured the weekly sacrifice.

We haven’t talked of it since because I think it embarrasses us both far too much.

What the hell is up with her and what can I do about it Matt?

Anon, 2nd year.

Interestingly, I have some col-

Having designed and manufactured his contraption (his neighbours had already thrown four snowballs at the windows in protest), Phil turned it on.

March 14 2005

leagues in Botswana who did a few papers on this subject.

Unfortunately for you I can’t actually remember what they look like, or what they’re called. I know they weren’t employing goldfish or piranhas; they don’t have them down that end. Something about the clinical administering of babies to a vat of bull sharks.

Same effect I presume, although not quite as arousing to women who are quite adept at writing things with their hands – as their study proved. Still, I got in touch with them with a quite splendid and dynamic email containing your problem and they posted me a reply in an ancient language that was made up ages ago. My rough translation might hurt you; it might also inform you. It reads (and I stress reads – it doesn’t necessarily substantiate a language one might like to speak): IH TTAM. REKNAW! Response in airborne dietary diseases calls chips fire and cheesy weight-lifting set mate.

Masturbation regarding cods usually piranha but often regards

goldfish is which normative (faecal) in Western fascist states!

Trevor gay: repressive body weight sixteen (sacrificial chamber!) and holistic? Yeah please milkshake with that. Walk slow airborne calls disease ‘black and caked in Botswanan fairies’? How is your pile please. Illegal perfume caused baby fire, water requisite in baby fire.

Dr. Seer Ouy Ortemm, Botswanan Committee For Administrative Baby Testing (BCFABT)" Deciphering this is impossible.

Sorry. It seems to suggest that you’re an awful person for wanting to use the perfume to smell like "a blubbery wobbly whale", and recommends that you acknowledge your friend’s use of fish because they smell just the same as whales – whales being fish of course.

Knock next time, eh?

Matt.

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: Do prank calls give you cancer?

Dr. Matthew, Recently my friends and I have been plagued with a spate of prank calls. The

A huge multi-dimensional swirling pink vortex opened itself up. Phil thought it best to hop on in, and did so with great conviction.

Unfortunately, Phil re-appeared (after half an hour, seven cigarettes and a brew) in the cretaceous period, riding on the back of a velociraptor.

Continues after Easter

caller rings up, makes a weird noise down the phone and then screams.

Now, to begin with we found this slightly frightening but now we’ve decided that its just a nuisance. We can’t work out who it is, nor can we work out how to stop the knobhead that’s doing it.

Have we done something heinously wrong to someone to warrant their nasty hatred?

Will it really take us having to change our numbers to stop this business? Will we have to speak to our mobile phone operators or the police? Why do phones have to have number-hiding systems on them? Do we deserve this treatment? Can we prevent them calling us? Do we have to go through some phone governing body and then contact the person via our solicitors? Is it going to be someone we know? Do you like questions?

Hopefully you can help us with our enormous telecommunicative problem, because we’re feeling distinctly harassed.

Nice one.

Four 3rd years, Cathays.

In machine gun-turbo-spinnydynamo-mach-one-shaver-frenziedknife-attack style I shall now respond to your questions. The composition of this reply will then address other things that I may have thought of in two-or-three sentences’ time: i) It would seem so. ii) Probably. iii) Neither, they smell funny. iv) So that individuals resembling prank-callers can have a Really Fun Time. v) Yes. vi) Negative. vii) Don’t be silly. viii) Obviously. ix) Sure.

Prank calling is quite rude, I gather. Having said that, most things these days are rude. Let’s try elsewhere; I have a friend who lives there.

I feel bad for you though, mobile phones are daunting at the best of times (‘who exactly did send me a picture of their swollen penis?’) and I tend to keep mine in my pocket – as opposed to round my neck. What a silly fashion that is.

They’re phones, not fucking ornaments.

"EH? EH? EH? EH? CAN’T HEAR YOU MATE THERE’S A PLANE IN

THE SKY!" Quite, as my brain just said.

It is quite obvious that the person calling you knows exactly how to use a telephone.

This is concerning for a number of reasons, and to be honest represents a massive ethical dilemma: at what age must we teach our children the merits of pervasive mobile technology? Do we actually care if they are granted the facilities to send each other messages that often contain sexual swear words and a distinct lack of grammar? (Of ANY sort?) How far will the country’s descent into the growing language ‘U R GAY IM IN DA TOWN WIV MA BIRD SHE IZ FIT WOT DU U WANA DO INIT’ (otherwise known as I-Colloquialism) take us? And when we get there, will we be able to use a toilet please?

These are questions worth considering, questions worth dwelling on, questions worth touching up and indeed questions worth recognising as questions.

Can we answer them?

Not if the Caller ID is withheld.

Matt.

Remember, if you have a problem, whatever its shape, consistency or transparency, I might be here to help. Likewise for any queries, PayPal account details or offensive words that you think I could use, send it all in an electronic bundle to problempage@gairrhydd.com.

Like finding an essay you wrote in high-school and realising that you were an inarticulate, pretentious little fister; like falling off a chair because someone decided to pull it briskly from beneath your rotund, fisted little bottom. Like fisting a hippy around the face but not knowing why; like fisting the air with your big fat manhands. Like popping your fist through a plate-glass window and ruining your fingers; like getting fisty with your father after a prolonged slippering. Like.

Like doing that. Like doing this. Like gettingall-up-in-your-radiator. Like living on a class-A diet because you’re like so subversive. Like, coming at you with some whacked-out simile about how music is like, just like something else, but only, that something else HAS to be completely arbitrary and have, like, nothing to do with what you’re actually trying to say, but like, it kind of does sort of, because… like it means you’re a journalist if you do that.

So I suppose you’re wondering, like, why? Well (like), as you might not know, metaphorically, similes are confusing.

Observe: "The simile was like a metaphor but wasn’t." "The metaphor was the simile, but had clouds attached to its head.

Speaking similely this meant it was a bit of a fraudulent atmosphere fister." Metaphors are more fun because with a metaphor you can say anything and claim that it was all logically coherent and wasn’t really, really hard to read because of poor sentence structure.

Observe how the statement "I became a cloud; I was quite floaty. I was fisting the atmosphere with earwax emotionally involved with a boxing glove" becomes "Matthew was talking absolute nonsense for the sake of annoying anyone that decided to read this far, whilst gobbling garden furniture and wishing he was a real journalist."

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Leave me alone James 0800-NOCHANCEMATE Happy?

0800-WHATFOR? Deluded metrosexual?

0800-YES! Vegan tea for you?

0800-NA,ILOVESLAVERY Student apathy?

0800-PREFERABLE

Listings

Page 36

March 14 2005

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s Cardiff listings with Muddiman, Sefton and Schmit.

We’ve dusted off our crystal balls this week for some advance warnings...

Dead 60s

Traffic

Sat 19th Mar

Thurs 17th Mar

@Barfly

@Seren Las, SU

7.30pm /£7adv

9pm - 1am

I

Muddiman Recommends

t’s the end of term, or more importantly the beginning of the Easter holidays! Time for one last weekend of crazyness before the stress of assignments and exams kicks in!

If you are into your dance music, of any kind, then the Traffic Easter Party would be the perfect way to start off the holiday season in style.

Sounds Of

The Suburbs

@City Arms

Tuesdays

From 8pm / Free Schmit Recommends

W

hen a hotly tipped band comes out of Liverpool you have to take notice; Liverpool produce good bands like pubs do beer.

The first 30 seconds of their debut video tells you everything you need to know about The Dead 60s.

As a siren screams, a camera pans across a blood-red vista of tower blocks, graffiti and concrete. It looks like classic lost Clash footage from 1977. And that’s the point.

The Dead 60s have been honing their radical dub-echo assault since early 2003. A four piece, inspired by the likes of The Clash, King Tubby and keyboardist Jackie Mittoo, the

band have always been determined to stay totally separate from the insular music scene around them.

To that end, they’ve not even played in their home city yet.

"We want to make a social comment," states bassist Charlie Turner. "Our song titles should be graffitied on every wall in the country. ‘You’re Not The Law’, ‘Too Much TV’, ‘Riot Radio’, they’d all look great up there.

We’re interested in sloganeering, we’re not interested in proper songwriting – at least not in the conventional sense."

The foundations of what The Dead 60s are doing echo what bands like The Clash and The Specials were attempting to create

in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s: a defiantly British soundtrack to urban living, but one with deep Jamaican roots.

Not that the band are a mere pastiche of these groups. In fact, they seem intent on distancing themselves from Liverpudlian bands before them.

The Dead 60s are clearly a band determined to come at their music from a unique angle.

Over the next few months the band begin the construction of their debut LP with the help of Central Nervous System, as well as touring with The Zutons. They’ve determined that nothing will stop their provocative message from reaching a wider audience.

Tom Craine Recommends

T

he tide of chrome-edged, neon-lit and vodka-fuelled bars sweeping across the city appears relentless.

Slowly but surely, any sense of atmosphere or character that once existed in Cardiff's drinking establishments, is seemingly being usurped by copycat showrooms.

But certain venues still battle against this generic onslaught, standing firm as occasionally grubby but none the less welcoming bastions of individuality.

The City Arms is one such pub, and it is here that Sounds of the

After holding weekly socials in The Philharmonic since the beginning of this year, Traffic have decided that it is about time they did something extra special.

So this Thursday Seren Las will be transformed into an enchanted forest and will be host to some of their best DJ's playing everything from house and breaks, to trance, techno, and hard house.

Fancy dress is optional.

Anything green (Irish maybe, for St Patrick's Day), enchanted, or just plain strange, is perfect. If extra imaginative, there may even be a prize.

This event will be FREE for all Traffic members, though make sure you remember to take your membership cards.

You don’t have to be a member to go along though; everyone is welcome and Traffic are hoping to see plenty of new faces. Non members will only have to pay £2. The party will kick off at 9pm, finishing at 1am.

Suburbs takes residence every Tuesday evening.

From 8pm-1am (late licence pending), promoter Jason Maybury promises, "a night dedicated to sounds you might not normally hear, but will undoubtedly recognise," concluding, "I aim to jog memories".

Taking a nomadic journey through northern soul, punk, reggae, new wave, electro and the occasional genuine obscurity, this chance to reminisce is likely to prove far from painful. (On a personal note, a promise of the odd undertones track is reason enough for me to attend).

A pleasant mix of locals and non-locals can be found here; a place with worn stools and familiar faces but without a jaded animosity for ‘outsiders’.

As a scrappy, hirsute student myself, the absence of beady judgement from lost souls is decidedly agreeable. Sounds of the Suburbs is a night of truly great sounds, cold beer and a total lack of pretence - sheer bliss!

The City Arms is at 10 Quay Street, opposite the southern wall of Cardiff Castle.

Further Ahead: Mark Owen - Tue 5th Apr @Barfly - 7pm / £8 adv … The Kirov Ballet - 19 Apr - 30 Apr @Wales Millenium Centre… Kaiser Chiefs - 21 Apr @Solus - 7pm / £9adv … The Louis Stewart/Gilad Atzmon Quintet - Tue 24 May @ St David’s Hall - 8pm / £10 ... Ocean Colour Scene - 26 Apr @ Great Hall - 7.30pm / £20adv … Loudon Wainwright III - Wed 27 Apr @ St David’s Hall - 8pm £20 … Martha Wainwright - Wed 27 Apr @Barfly - 7.30pm / £7 adv … Little Richard - Mon 2 May @ St David’s Hall - 7.30pm / £30, £40 …Queen (vocalist Paul Rodgers) - Sat 7 May @ CIA … World of Fun: Harlem Globetrotters - Tues 10 May@ CIA … Martin Carthy, Norma Waterson, and Eliza Carthy - Wed 18 May @St David’s Hall - 8.00pm / £12.00 … Elvis Costello & The Imposters - Sun 22 May @ St David’s Hall - 8.00pm / £28.50 … Mark Knopfler - Tue 24 May @CIA

“This makes all the practice worthwhile.”

James Woodroof, March 2005

Spor t gair rhydd

Issue 783 14 March 2005 | Email: sport@gairrhydd.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

Tennis given the elbow

IMG Action

Misery as women lose to Newcastle

Engin and Earth Soc ensure play-off places

Back Page

Page 39

Below: Comprehensive guide to results, fixtures and tables

Football

IMG IMG

I MG

Premier P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

4

2

0

11

14

2 Earth Soc

6 6

4

1

1

1

3 Law A

6

3

3

0

13

4 Accountancy

6

2

3

1

5 Law B

2

2

6 Banko FC

6 6

1

7 Economics

6

8 Carbs B

6

Pos 1 Engin A

I MG

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Christian Union

6

5

1

0

10

16

13 12

2 Psycho Athletico

6

4

1

1

6

13

3 V’co de Pharma

6

3

1

2

4

10

6

9

4 AFC Camp Allen

6

3

1

2

1

2

1

8

5 Euros

6

3

0

3

0

10 9

2

3

-6

5

6 Inter Me Nan

6

1

1

4

-6

4

1

0

5

-14

6

1

1

4

-10

4

1

5

-17

3 1

7 Socso

0

8 English Soc

6

1

0

5

-5

3

Pos

Division 1 P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Chemsoc

6

3

2

1

2

11

2 RP Lakers

6

3

1

2

4

10

3 John Jenkins FC

6

2

3

1

4

9

4 Japsoc

6

2

3

1

3

9

5 AFC History

6

2

2

1

2

8

6 Carbs A

6 6

2

1

3

-3

7

7 Jomec

2

1

3

-4

7

8 Momed

6

1

1

4

-8

4

Pos

I MG

Rugby IMG

Pool A P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

3

0

0

51

6

2 Pharmacy

3 3

2

0

1

19

3 MASTS

3

1

0

2

-4

4 2

4 Engine

3

0

0

3

-66

0

Pts

Pos 1 Carbs A

IMG

Division 2 P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Cardiff Dragons

6

5

1

0

14

16

1 SAWSA

2 Athletico Roy

6

5

0

1

14

15

3 Engin B

6

3

1

2

4

4 Architecture

6

3

0

3

-3

5 Woodville S’ers

6

2

2

2

0

8

6 Dynamo C’turion

6

1

2

3

-3

5

7 Optometry

6

1

1

4

-14

4

8 Irish

6

0

1

5

-12

1

Pos

Division 3

Pool B P

W

D

L

GD

3 3

2

0

1

15

4

2 Carbs B

2

0

1

5

10

3 Gym Gym

3

2

0

1

-13

4 4

9

4 Law

3

0

0

3

-17

0

Pos

Due to course requirements, Earth Soc v Law will now take place on the first Wednesday after the Easter break

Results

Engin A 1 - 0 Accountancy

Netball Cup

Second Round

AFC History 1 - 3 Carbs A Chemsoc 2 - 1 Japsoc RP Lakers 4 - 2 Jomec Momed 2 - 2 John Jenkins FC

09/03/05

Division Two

Pharmacy B L - L Law A Medics 3rds 3 - 22 Psychology A Law B 4 - 16 Cardiff Uni A Pharmacy 0 - 29 Cardiff Uni B Chemsoc B 5 - 2 Engin Cardiff Uni C 4 v 5 Chemsoc A Carbs A 23 - 3 Carbs B Psychology B 7 - 18 Pharmacy A

Division One

Athletico Roy 3 - 1 Dynamo Centurion Architecture v Irish Society Woodville Screamers 5 - 1 Optometry Engin B 0 - 5 Cardiff Dragons Division Three

Football

Inter Me Nan 0 - 4 Christian Union Vasco de Pharma v Socsi Psycho Athletico 4 - 2 AFC Camp Allen Euros 3 - 2 English Soc

Premier Division

Rugby

Law A 4 - 0 Economics Earth Soc 3 - 2 Carbs B Banko FC 0 - 4 Law B

Carbs A 35 - 7 Pharmacy Pharmacy 30 - 7 Masts

Fixtures

Division 1

09/03/05

Netball Cup Chemsoc A v Pharmacy A Cardiff Uni B v Cardiff Uni A Pharmacy B or Law A v Chemsoc B Psychology A v Carbs A

Plate Optometry B v Economics Socsi v Gym Gym Sawsa v Optometry A English Soc v Christian Union

Football Premier Division Earth Soc v Law A Economics v Law B Accountancy v Banko FC Engin A v Carbs B

AFC History v Chemsoc Carbs A v Jomec RP Lakers v John Jenkins FC Momed v Japsoc

Division 2 Athletico Roy v Architecture Dynamo Centurio v Optometry Woodville Screamers v Cardiff Dragons Engin B v Irish Society

Division 3 Inter Me Nan v Vasco de Pharma Christian Union v AFC Camp Allen Psycho Athletico v English Soc Euros v Socsi

Have you been framed in action?

GAIR RHYDD sports photographer Nick Parnell is offering sports teams the chance to own pictures of their successes and failures from the last academic year.

CDs containing all the images involving your chosen team are available for £5, and individual A4 prints – in colour or black and white – are also available at a cost of £4 each.

More information and the photos themselves are displayed on the team boards in the Athletic Union, while order forms can be obtained from inside the AU office.

A special varsity CD will also be available later in the year.

Other photos from throughout the year are available for posterity from gair rhydd’s photography editors

Sport

March 14 2005

Page 39

sport@gairrhydd.com

YACHTING CLUB STILL AFLOAT AFTER FUNDRAISING EFFORTS

By Will Carson Yatching Correspondent CARDIFF UNIVERSITY yachting team’s dreams of entering the 2005 Student Yachting National Championships have been realised after the Athletic Union contributed to the campaign.

The money handed over by the AU has taken the total funds up to the required £2650 needed to compete, saving the yachting team’s campaign from the brink of collapse.

The team will now be able to travel to Southampton for the event – held between March 20 and 24 – where they aim to improve on last year’s position of 11th out of over 30 boats.

As the result of a huge campaign drive over the past few months, the team have secured sponsorship from Associated British Ports – the company which runs Cardiff ports – as well as two Penarth chandleries, Wigmore and Wright and Land and Leisure Marine Scene.

But the team have not just relied on companies to donate money. Over the weekend of February 26, they could be found in Sainsbury’s on Newport Road, where they packed customers’ bags and raised over £600 in proceeds.

Yachting team captain Nick Simmons said that the team has the AU to thank for providing the extra money needed to compete: "Huge thanks go to the Athletic Union for giving their support to our campaign.

Without it we would have struggled to find the funds. I would also like to thank all of those who have kindly donated to our cause; you have given our yachting team a chance to make Cardiff University one of the best yachting universities in the country. Finally, I must thank the team members for their unfaltering dedication."

Engin lead the way RIDING HIGH: Accountancy’s Tom Wilkinson escapes an Engin lunge PHOTO: Adam Gasson

Engin A 1 - 0 Accountancy: Engin A cement their place at the top of the IMG tree

By Rowan Belojica IMG Correspondent ENGIN MAINTAINED their grip at the top of the IMG Premiership with a vital win that leaves rivals Accountancy struggling to reach a play-off position.

A tense and scrappy game was decided by a Huw Phillips effort from close range. The goal came from a long throw by Craig Price, which was fitting since both teams had looked most dangerous from set pieces throughout the game.

The first half was a pretty close contest, with both team’s midfielders finding it difficult to play on an uneven surface, and as a result, a lot of long balls were played. Mark Bate went close early on for Accountancy with an overhead kick that bounced off the crossbar

and Engin ‘keeper Julian Fortuna tipped over an acrobatic scissors-kick attempt by Thom Airs.

Accountancy Player Ra tings:

Dan Nichols 8 Lawrence Beech 7 John Stanton 7 Andy Whitworth 8 Mark Bate 7 Chris Holland 6 Rhys Beak 7 Gavin Brown 7 Thom Airs 7 Tom Wilkinson 6 Dan Hall 7

Engin threatened largely from long throws and corners, with the height advantage of Price and Luke Oliver causing plenty of nervous moments in

Magnifi-Trent 8s

: Engin A Player Ratings 7 na Julian Fortu Noel Douglas 8 Fernando Sucre 7 Paul Welch 9 Sam Tilley 8 Steve Ollier 7 Colin Williams 8 Huw Phillips 7 Luke Oliver 8 Criag Price 7 Dave Williams 7 the Accountancy defence, and from one such situation Ollier should have scored at the end of the first half.

Engin stepped up a gear in the second half with Phillips and Colin Williams starting to overrun the opposition. The smaller Accountancy defence were beaten in the air plenty of times

and this led to a couple of good chances. Steve Ollier missed a golden opportunity from a rebound and Williams shot wide after a bout of head tennis in the Accountancy area.

With time running out, Oliver flicked on a long throw for Phillips to stab the ball home.

Accountancy piled on the pressure in the final minutes but the Engin defence, marshalled by the impressive Paul Welch, stood firm.

Engin manager Oliver praised ‘a great effort from all the boys’ and his team’s ‘bounce-back-ability’ after an even first half that Accountancy may have shaded.

Accountancy captain Mark Bate thought his team were unlucky to lose a close contest, and believed his side’s chances of IMG glory have all but ended.

U N I ROW I N G C R E W S E N J OY S U C C E S S I N BU S A E V E N T

By Hannah Pole Rowing Correspondent

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY rowing club have secured the university’s first BUSA point of the year after two Cardiff crews claimed gold medals in the Novice category at BUSA Head of the River in Nottingham.

The women’s eight, who have been training day and night since September, battled through the choppy Trent water and strong wind to set a new course record, beating University College, London, by six seconds.

The women’s four also took gold by over a minute, with three of its crew having already completed the five-kilometre course in the eight,

just minutes before.

The crews included Nikki Earl and Laura Utting who only started rowing eight weeks ago.

Both senior men’s crews faced stiff competition from the likes of Exeter, Durham, Leeds and Oxford Brookes, but still ranked within the top 10 in their categories.

The rowing club president Sam Nicholson says it will help boost the university’s image: "Our success is important when you think that Cardiff University rowers are the only club to represent Wales at BUSA and other rowing events across the country.

"By attending more races and showing that Cardiff is a contender, we are building a reputation and the university could be one to beat in a

few years."

The BUSA success comes only months after the club’s boat ‘Charlie Brown’ accidentally slid over a weir last October.

Despite this, Cardiff ’s rowers have worked hard to put the university on the leaderboard with success at Bristol and gold at Wytcliffe last month.

The club have been raising money for new boats and equipment, with a commendable performance from the novice men who tackled a 10-mile sponsored fun run in skirts and pigtails.

Cardiff look set to turn more heads with the arrival of a brand new boat later this month, which is promised to be finished in bright pink.

INCH PERFECT: Engin’s defence proved solid all game PHOTO: Adam Gasson

Spor t gair rhydd

By Sally Phillips Tennis Correspondent THE UNIVERSITY’S HOPES of BUSA glory this season have been dealt a further blow with the ladies’ tennis team joining Cardiff’s list of knockout also-rans.

With high hopes of making it to the BUSA Shield final, Cardiff Ladies’ first tennis team faced a difficult match against Newcastle.

Playing on home turf, Cardiff went onto the courts with determination and strength for their doubles matches.

Sonya Ginty and Karen AuNeug were quick to prove that this was going to be no easy match for the Newcastle duo, with some excellent deep volleys that caught their opponents off-guard as they maintained a steady lead. This lead continued, bringing Cardiff victory with a 9-8 result.

Hannah Smith and Charlotte Lines, playing on the adjacent court, secured some vital games after a series of tense rallies, but Newcastle, with some forceful backhands, took the match with another close 86 win.

With defeat in both their doubles’ matches, and only a short break before beginning their singles, the Cardiff team regrouped and squared up to their Newcastle rivals with renewed vigour.

However, despite all Cardiff’s resolve, the team from the north-east excelled in the singles’ contest, allowing nothing to go the Welsh side’s way. Only Ginty offered a glimmer of hope, although she eventually fell to a 6-4, 6-4 defeat.

Captain of the ladies’ team, Hannah Smith, was philosophical despite the obvious disappointment: "Everyone gave their all, but Newcastle were the better team. My team did great getting as far as we did."

With only a few Cardiff sports teams still competing in BUSA, it was an admirable effort from the ladies’ firsts in the face of skilful and resilient opposition.

By James Woodroof Snooker Correspondent CARDIFF’S SNOOKER seniors and juniors surpassed all expectations, rea ching the final and sem i-fin al res pec tive ly of the BUS A Championship and Trophy in Leicester last weekend.

With the nine elite snooker universities at this year’s tournamen t, Cardiff were seeded seventh.

After progressing comfortably from the gro up sta ges , Car diff sen iors York aside 6-1 in the quarter bru she d -finals, followed by a tense 6-4 win ove r Glasgow in the semis, thanks to high-cla ss breaks from Mar k Davis (49) and Olly Dav is (41).

In the final, waistcoat-clad Queen’s Uni ver sity, Bel fas t, pro ved just too strong for Cardiff, agonisingly winning the deciding match to clinch a 3-2 victory.

In the individual tournamen t, three Cardiff senior players reache d the quarters, but all fell against stro ng opposition from Bristol and Queens .

Meanwhile, the juniors mad e headway into the BUSA Trophy afte r being shellshocked by the strength of Warwick on Friday, to beat Nottingham and Bristol.

After a memorable 5-5 draw with Queen’s and an unb ear abl e fina l-fra me dec ide r against Bristol, Cardiff emerged victorious to face Warwick in the semis.

Cardiff took an ear ly lead, but Warwick’s play ers stepped up a gear to triumph 6-2.

The Welsh side then faced Glasgow for the third-place play-off and , remarkably, Chris Griffiths cleared to colo urs to level the match at 5-5. Woodroof grabbed the play-off to secure bronze med als and cap off a quite extraordinary weekend for Cardiff Snooker Club.

President Malory Stanford was understandably delighted with the club’s performance: "For the seniors to be runner sup and the juniors to claim third place were results beyond everyon e’s expectations. This makes all the pra ctice wor thwhile.

“For a club with such limi ted facilities and funds, it is an outstandin g achievement.

We have so much talent in the teams and have proved once again to be one of the most successful clubs in the univ ersity."

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

CARDIFF LADIES’ 1S.................1 NEWCASTLE LADIES’ 1S............9

Snooker teams get their big break in BUSA

SMASHED

LADIES’ TENNIS TEAM THE LATEST TO EXIT BUSA KNOCKOUTS

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMANS IN PETERBOROUGH ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT

BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ AIRS ‘SEX WITH FISH’ CONFESSION ■ TV ED ADMITS TO ‘WRONG LOVE’ ■ SAB WANTS THUG LOVIN’ ■ WILL “WHAT’S A SPECULUM?” TALMAGE ■ I FIND THE MOST EROTIC PART OF THE WOMAN TO BE THE BEARD ■ SPANKIN’ YOUR MONKEYS ■ GARY’S IMPRESSION OF A DOLPHIN: “EEEEE!” ■ CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE ■ JIM “IDEAS ABOVE HIS STATION” ANTHONY ■ DICKEN: STILL MISSING IN ACTION ■ NO

Listings

March 14 2005

Page 37

listings@gairrhydd.com

Behold gair rhydd’s much loved, and very nearly reliable, day by day listings.

If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. The choice is yours.

Monday14/03

Tuesday15/03

Wednesday16/03

Thursday17/03

Friday18/03

Saturday19/03

Sunday20/03

Venues

Student Elections @Cardiff Uni Your chance to vote for the various Students’ Union Sabbatical Officer positions just about wherever you are around Uni. Check posters for times. It won’t take you long and it’s important. It’s a single transferable vote system so every vote really counts.

Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9pm and 10pm for the ledgendary double and mixer for 80p.

9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm.

Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Specialist beer and spirit offers. 8pm-2am. Free.

Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff and Rowan. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing and singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm. £2/£ if you perform.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter. 7-11pm. £1 NUS. Live @Barfly Aerogramme – please note that this gig has been CANCELLED. Lord Arthur Savile's Crime @The New Theatre A pillar of Victorian society on the verge of marriage, a brief departure from convention leads him to the abode of a chilling clairvoyant who gravely pronounces that before he can marry he must commit murder!

Quality Control @Taf, Sudents’ Union New night in the Taf hosted by top-notch DJ Killer Tomato, featuring local guest DJs spinning hip hop, funk, breaks and drum ‘n’ bass.

9pm-2am Free.

Fat Friday @Solus, SU A revamped Lashtastic. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

SUMO @Clwb Ifor Bach Room One: Breakfastaz / The Autobots with resident DJ's Chico Fresco, West One and Invisbl.

Room Two: Larry Nelson (IDJ), Meehan & Huw. Its like a different language. 10pm. £6.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach The Dudes Rock. Led Zepplin, Boston Aerosmith, Poison, Bon Jovi, Kiss, Iron Maide, etc. One Friday each month Clwb Ifor Bach, becomes a haven for all things ROCK! 10pm. £3.50.

Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 1pm.

Live @ Barfly Vibration White Finger / Blackbud / The Rebecca Riots. Cardiff's finest high-octane rock 'n' roll band. Their full-on attitude and performance is making inroads on both sides of the border, as recent London shows confirm. Blackbud provide must-see blues-rock support. You remember them, Michael Eavis’ favourites.

Catch them while you can... 7.30pm. £4.

Onega @The Toucan Bob Bailey & The Jailers strut their funky stuff. Well they might anyway, I’m not really sure if they’re funky or not. Hell, I say they’ll be funky. £5.

Acoustic Cafe @The Toucan Bar Reggae.

Taking liberties with the term ‘acoustic’ if you ask me. Free before 10pm, £3.50 after.

The Rosie Walters Band @Cafe Jazz Regular blues night at Cafe Jazz presented

by Bluesdragon. This band is reportedly on the rock end of the blues spectrum. 10pm.

Admission usually £3.

Student Elections @Cardiff Uni See Monday.

Comedy Club@Seren Las, SU Andy Zaltzman & Stephen Carlin. Having been nominated for the Perrier Best Newcomer Award in 2001, Andy Zaltzman is now at the forefront of the political revolution in contemporary stand up. 8-11pm. £4 NUS. The Thrills @Great Hall They’re Irish. 7pm. £13.50adv.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, metal, goth. Pretty much the same as Metros but in less of a sweaty dive. 9pm. £2.50.

Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. One of the finest nights out in Cardiff in the opinion of this soul fan.

Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm-2am. Free.

Sounds Of The Suburbs @The City Arms See facing page for details.

Open Mic @The Toucan You know how it works.

Live @Barfly Eighteen Visions / Emanuel / Misery Signals.

This night promises to lift Barfly off the ground and cast it into metal heaven, a place where the best bits of Deftones, Him and Stone Temple Pilots merge to create a true monster. 7.30pm. £8 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Wired / The Jakals / The Haze. Wired are an alternative funk rock band with a lot of soul, sax and big guitar riffs. 8pm.

Exhibition @Butetown History and Arts Centre Butetown remembers the forces and evacuees of World War Two. Tues-Fri 10am5pm, weekends 11am-4.30pm. Free.

Salsa @Callaghans Learn salsa. Free.

Come Play @Solus Party tunes in the main room; hip hop, breaks, etc. in the Junction Bar; jazz, soul, Latin in the Xpress Lounge. Sweets and stuff. 10pm-2am. £3.50 adv.

Cool House @Great Hall, SU Featuring, MR C / Omid 16B / Lee Coombs.

Cool House present a night of electronic and acid house music from a selection of the most respected Dj's and producers out there today.

DJ/ producer Omid 16b co owns Sexonwax Records. Finger Lickin Recording artist/DJ/producer Lee Coombs makes his Cool House debut in room 2. £12 adv.

Uberalles @Barfly Expect the usual indie suspects and sweaty atmosphere. 10.30pm-2am. £3/£4 NUS. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

The Mothership Convention @The Toucan Bristol based band, ‘Backyard’ pay the Toucan a visit. £5.

Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Funky grooves with a fat brass section so we’re told… doesn’t sound too acoustic to me! £3.50.

Free before 10pm.

Live @ Barfly The Dead 60s / The Little Flames. See facing page for details.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Ummh / DJ Seimon Ffycit. A great live band who've been busy carving out a name for themselves over the past few years, Ummh are on their third album with the 'Amheuthum' LP released last year. But it's live that they are on their best. Be there! 9pm. £6.

Live Saturday @Incognito Swiss & pals from the house circuit of Wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool House, Escape. Until 2am.

Rubber Duck @Solus, SU The Union’s mid-week bonanza. Apparently this week sees duck vs. bunny. My money’s on the bunny. 10pm-2am £3.50/£3 adv.

Wednesday Social @The Barfly Relax, soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set. 12noon-2:30pm.

Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors.

This is the overspill. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco.

Popscene: indie. Milky Bar: electric chill out and Playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 NUS. Cheapskates @Metros Alternative & cheese. 9pm-2am.

Wednesdays @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Bread and Butter @The Toucan Night of hip hop and new beats. 10pm. £2.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm. Free.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.

8pm-1am. Free for members /£1 NUS. Live @Barfly Eighteen Visions / Emanuel / Misery Signals.

This night promises to lift Barfly off the ground and cast it into metal heaven. Deja vu?

Indeed, they’re playing again tonight! 7.30pm £8 adv Live @Le Pub, Newport Vialka / Big Joan / Shooting At Unarmed Men. Fractured pantomime punk-jazz from nomadic French rock duo, plus support from fast-rising Bristol rockers Big Joan and a solo set from Jon Chapple, ex-Mclusky, who'll be debuting songs by his new band Shooting At Unarmed Men. 8pm. £4 James Chadwick Band @Cafe Jazz Highly talented guitarist. 8.45pm. £3.

Jim Barber Trio@Riverbank Hotel Joined here by super Bristol trumpeter Andy Hague. 9pm. £4/£3 NUS.

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf Questions.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar The same. 8pm.

Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs' end of the week. 8pm12.30am.

No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3's and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Cardiff New Music Collective @Chapter Arts Centre A launch concert by the recently formed contemporary music group with ensemble members Tina Hitchens (flute), Timothy Tate (guitar), Daniel Perkin (piano) and Tom Jackson (clarinet) with associate composers Suzanne Parry, Deri Roberts, Jayson Mackie and Eilir Owen-Griffiths.

Dedicated to outstanding ensemble work and innovative new composition, Cardiff New Music Collective promises to be an exciting addition to the Cardiff music scene. See their first performance at Chapter. 8pm.

Acoustic Cafe @Toucan Bar Open mic sessions where anyone can get up and jam or just sit back, relax and listen. The Toucan provide the guitar and microphone; you provide the talent. Hosted by Peter and Lee. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Malicious Intent / El Sid / She Sells. Malicious Intent are a five piece death metal band who used to be Blinded By Pride. Mmmm death metal, exactly what you fancy on a Sunday night, whatever happened to Heartbeat…?

7pm. £4.

Live @Barfly God Forbid / Extol / Ted Maul. Propelled by the blistering guitar duo of Doc and Dallas Coyle, God Forbid are capped off with the guttural screams and sinister aggression of vocalist Byron Davis. Wow, what is it with loud angry music on Sundays?! 7pm. £8.

Erasure @St. David’s Hall 7.30pm. £22.50 Seated and Standing. Steep.

Devious @Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Metal @Metros Er... metal. 9pm-2am. Free with flyer before 11pm.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Popular hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night. 8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Sugar and Spice: Marques Houston, DJ Urban Fusion , DJ Ams @Creation 9:00pm. £12.50adv.

Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul / hippy funk with The Pockets. 8pm-1am £3/£2.

Live @Barfly The Ga*Ga*s / Zen Motel / Viva Knievils. The website claims frontman Tommy “actually looks as cool as Justin Hawkins thinks he does.” A loud, brash, confident hybrid of metal and melody that fills a clear gap in the market. If you love rock, don't miss it. Zen Motel became a full-time concern following the messy onstage disintegration of Johnny Zhivago in September 2002. Their no messing attitude was perfectly illustrated when they refused to can some of their more offensive tunes at the request of their Marilyn Manson/Red Hot Chili Peppers-affiliated US management company. The spirit of punk lives on here. 7.30pm. £5 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Christopher Rees and Band / The International Karate Plus, and more. A gig to raise money for tsunami relief. 8pm. £5.

Live @Cafe Jazz Italian pianist Davide Logiri with Cardiff sax man, Andrew Fawcett's Kind of Blue. 8.45pm. £5/£4 NUS. Barbara Dickson @St. David’s Hall One of the UK’s most popular and versatile performers, Barbara Dickson brings her talents to the Hall for one night only in a fantastic evening of song. The award-winning West End star, awarded an OBE for services to music and drama in 2001, had chart success with a string of hits including I Know Him So Well, Another Suitcase in Another Hall and January, February. 7.30pm £15.50-17.50.

Student’s Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Molokos, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, St Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com