gair rhydd - Issue 784

rhydd

gair

free word - EST. 1972

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

MEET THE TEAM

ISSUE 784 April 25 2005

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IN SICKNESS AND IN HEATH Medical students slam poor facilities and funding

UHW: Under fire

VARSITY 2005:

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

By Gemma Williams, Dave Doyle and Perri Lewis Reporters MEDICAL PLACEMENTS have been branded “a waste of time” by students who fear being left out of pocket and poorly educated. gair rhydd has spoken to a large number of medical students who claim the facilities at the Heath are “horrendous”.

In addition many have complained about the high petrol costs incurred when travelling on placements.

Third year Occupational Therapist Jennifer Roberts had to travel for an hour every day to and from Torfaen, Gwent, costing her £250 over ten weeks. But because she is not on a bursary she is unable to claim the expenses back.

“I’ve got a bit of a bugbear with it. I have no choice but to go on placement and have no influence over where I go,” she said.

All medical courses require students to travel to hospitals around Wales for on-site teaching.

But the students claim they are spending hundreds of pounds on fuels costs during placement with many unable to get any of it back.

One student who preferred to remain anonymous said: “No other course has these costs.

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With many students on a five year course these costs just plunge us further into debt.”

Students can only claim back travel expenses if they receive a full loan and the university only helps after a student has spent £275.

But several of those eligible to claim the money back describe the process as “long-winded” and “complicated”.

The hospital and university have hit back at the allegations. A spokesperson said: “We are very sympathetic to the financial burden this places on our student.

“A few years ago we were able to secure additional funds from the Welsh Assembly to provide some support in this area, through the provision of centrally co-ordinated transport. However, some students have elected not to use the transport provided.

“As you will appreciate we are constrained in the use of public funds and rightly limitations are placed on this.”

But the most scathing criticism from the students is reserved for the facilities at the Heath hospital site in Cardiff.

Despite the high transport costs the students gair rhydd have spoken would rather be posted at other Welsh hospitals than the Heath.

Story continued on Page 2

News

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At

a glance April 25 2005

News Sabb Elections Taf-Od Interviews Politics Opinion Health Science Jobs and Money Media Television Five Minute Fun Letters Problem Page Competitions Listings Sport

1 8 12 15 16 18 22 23 24 26 29 37 38 39 41 42 45

EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Holly Marshall, Tom Wellingham NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Matt Wilkin, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell, King Geordie I EDITORIAL AND OPINION James Emtage, Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman, Will Schmit TELEVISION TV Willy-D, TV Widdop, TV Katline, TV Manners, TV DeVille LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant FIVE MINUTE FUN Will Dean TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill INTERVIEWS Xandria Horton HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson PROOF READERS Lovely People, Sarah Bayes, Carly Sharples, Kristin Farris

CONTRIBUTORS

Gemma Williams, Nicola Menage, Charissa Coulthard, Caleb Woodridge, Dave Menon, Jules Thorpe-Smith, Rachel Owen, Georgie Mavrakis, Lois Dafydd, Andrew Mickel, Andrew Rennison, Lindsay Gowlett, Sophie Robehmed, Adam Wallis, Dan Ridler, Kristin Fariis, Kalsa Pankakoski, Chris Brett, Farah Ahmed, Celine Watson, Suzanne Farrell, Laura Wooton, Tony Broderick, David Southwood, Fanny Hall, David Hoare, Rowan Belojica, Kara Dawson, Dave James

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Anti-Semitism isn’t kosher in NUS

By Nicola Menage Reporter A GROUP of leading Jewish NUS representatives have resigned claiming the organisation is “reticent to do anything” about antisemitism.

Luciana Berger, co-convener of the NUS Anti-Racism/Anti-Fascism Campaign, member of the Union of Jewish Students (UJS) and rumoured girlfriend of Euan Blair, was one of three members to leave their post on the NUS National Executive Committee (NEC).

Ms Berger resigned during the annual NUS conference in Blackpool along with her NEC collegue, Mitch Simmons, and Jonny Warren, a member of the NUS steering committee.

Ms Berger addressed the conference, saying: “While I accuse no one of antiSemitism, this year NUS has been a bystander to Jew hatred.”

Their resignation followed a series of incidents in which they allege the needs of Jewish students had been ignored by the NUS. Danny Stone, Campaigns director for the UJS, claims that those complaints of an anti-Semitic nature made to the NUS from Jewish students at various universities received “very little response” from the NUS. Stone said he was “disappointed” that the NUS continued to respond to the complaints with a “series of apathies.”

In November 2004, there was also controversy over remarks made by International Students Officer Benson Osawe.

Osawe complained that the NUS was

“pandering to Jewish students,” a tackling racism, fascism and antistatement that Danny Stone called “as Semitism wherever it occurs and have undertaken excellent work this year in outrageous as it [was] offensive.”

In a speech at the recent NEC con- promoting interfaith dialogue on camference, Ms Berger commented on puses.”

Fletcher asked for a formal account how NUS policies were meant to express “values of equality, diversity of the issues to be made before any and respect,” whereas “in practice, this further comments are made, but she did add she was: “deeply concerned could not be further from the truth.”

Her speech outlined her past 12 that three of our committee members month’s experiences of the NUS’s atti- have decided to resign from their last few months in office.” tude towards its Jewish members.

Fletcher added: “NUS will be lookShe claimed that at the conference NUS failed to provide any Jewish ing at the issues that have come up in ‘Kosher’ food, a “religious require- great detail and we will be seeking to ensure that students of all faiths and ment” for Jews.

Ms Berger also said the NUS failed backgrounds can continue to actively to react to offensive anti-semitic participate in our campaigns and our democracy.” leaflets that were “readily available” on one of the stalls in the conference building.

She claims the stall, entitled ‘Zionism’ held leaflets making reference to an anti-Semitic text.

The leaflets allegedly made comparisons between the Jewish people and the Nazis, and one of the leaflets was entitled “the Jews are not a race”.

Ms Berger said complaints were met “once again with unacceptable delays and silences.”

Chief Rabbi Dr Johnathon Sacks said: “Having spent the weekend with Jewish student leaders, it is clear that they felt threatened by the atmosphere at the NUS conference.

“This cannot continue if NUS is to win the fight against racism in all its forms.”

In response to the resignations NUS President Kat Fletcher said: “We are proud of our record in SACkS: Critical of NUS

Cole-gate

By Dave Doyle News Editor

JAMES COLE, the AU president on trial for assault occasioning actual bodily harm, is allowed back inside Cardiff University students’ union.

At a recent court hearing Cole’s bail conditions were changed to let him continue with his work.

The conditions prevented Cole from entering the students’ union or getting in contact with prosecution witnesses.

But Cole’s solicitor, Mr Hutton of Hutton’s Advocates & Solicitors, Cardiff, highlighted the need for Cole to return to work.

The prosecution argued against this saying that the complainant, a student at Cardiff University, would come in to contact with Cole as the union is the place where students gather.

The bail was reset but Cole is still not allowed into the union as he is currently suspended by the university.

But the decision to adjourn the case, which was due to take place on April 12, has bothered Cole as it was the absence of three prosecution witnesses that prevented its progress.

“I’m very disappointed that the case has had to be adjourned and am very much looking forward to resolving the issue in July,” he told gair rhydd.

The trial is now due to take place on July 7 and 8.

When Irish

By Caroline Farwell Politics Editor UNIVERSITIES IN Northern Ireland have been given the goahead to charge top-up fees thanks to confusion in the House of Commons.

Key rebel MPs who had previously voted against the bill in England have voted in favour of top-up fees in Northern Ireland after failing to realise exactly what they were deciding on.

During votes on a transport bill

! Continued from Front The main complaints include no provision for students to store their belongings forcing them to carry bags and coats while trying to observe surgical operations.

One student, who also wants to remain anonymous, said: “There are no lockers. Everybody is carrying everything with them – white coats and books.

“Everybody is worried about stuff getting stolen.”

Another complaint concerns the teaching while on placement with students claiming at the Heath they are often taught by overworked junior

last month, over forty-four Labour MPs were said to have gone against their previous commitments by voting in favour of the proposal.

Kat Fletcher, president of the NUS, said: “We were shocked that a number of top-up fee rebels had seemingly voted for the Northern Ireland order but are now even more disgusted at the way in which this occurred.”

Critics said the government had a major battle getting the order through the Commons and accused

it of behaving in an arrogant and overbearing manner.

The House of Lords passed the bill last month after backing an amendment regretting that ministers had not given the people of Northern Ireland a say on the issue.

Miss Fletcher added: “With just weeks to go until the General Election, what message does this give to the voting public about democracy in this country?”

Convenor of NUS-USI, the Northern Irish arm of NUS, Damien

Kavanagh said, “The Labour MPs who made a spectacular U-turn at the last moment and voted for this order should be ashamed at their actions.”

“They have served Northern Irish students, and the student movement as a whole, a great injustice.”

“The fact some have said they weren’t entirely sure about what they were voting on is a greater cause for concern. This is a fine example of how direct rule from Westminster simply does not work.”

doctors and consultants.

Fourth year medic Jane MacBean said: “There are a lot of good things about the course, but at the Heath there are loads of problems. The doctors are superb at their jobs but they’re just extremely busy.”

Another medic who does not wish to be named has described the facilities as “under-resourced,” often with five students to one consultant.

But several students have acknowledged that the University of Wales Hospital, Cardiff is one of the biggest and busiest facilities in the country and complaints they have indicate wider problems within the NHS. In addition the Heath site has no

bleepers, essential for letting students know when they are required, and only two have been ordered.

But again the university and the hospital have rejected the complaints levelled against them.

A spokesperson was keen to point out the number of different feedback mechanisms in place for students.

These include full student representation on all undergraduate curriculum committees, formal evaluation procedures where students are able to provide anonymous feedback, staff student panels and e-discussion boards.

The spokesperson said: “The majority of feedback is positive.

“Where negative comments are made this is raised with the trust and we will continue to do so.

“We have had consistent feedback that students learn a great deal from junior doctors and it is important junior doctors develop their teaching skills – this is mutually beneficial.”

Commenting on the story, Lib Dem candidate for Cardiff Central Jenny Willott said: “gair rhydd have done an excellent job to highlight this. The issues that have been raised are clearly of concern and we hope progress can be made in addressing them.”

If you have any problems with university work placements contact gair rhydd on news@gairrhydd.com.

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SUMMER BALL STORMER

By Charissa Coulthard Reporter FOLLOWING THE phenomenal success last year, the Union’s Summer Ball is returning for 2005 – this time with an impressive new line-up.

The event, which will be held on Saturday June 11 at Coopers Field by Cardiff Castle, is set to feature a number of stars including a ‘sixties/seventies crooner’ who is rumoured to be none other than Welsh legend Tom Jones.

Rumours have also been circulating that the much-anticipated ‘current chart star’ will be sensa-

tional singer Rachel Stevens, who will join the line-up, performing across three marquees.

Also amongst the host of special guests will be a top radio 1 DJ, some impressive 90s pop acts and a mystery ‘massive British Star’ yet to be announced.

Tom Gough, PR and Campaigns Officer, attended last year’s summer ball and believes this year’s will be even better. Speaking of its success, he claimed: ‘It was a massive and highly successful event, enjoyed by thousands of students.

“Building on the success of last year’s summer ball, this year looks set to be a really enjoyable event.’

COOPER’S FIELD: The Summer Ball will be returning for a second year

VICTORY VIOLENCE

By Charissa Coulthard Reporter RECENT RESEARCH conducted

by Cardiff University has revealed a relationship between winning an event and postmatch violence in Wales.

The research, which examined a seven-year period in relation to assault cases in the city, studied the number of people injured following a series of rugby and football matches.

Findings revealed there to be a significantly higher number of casualties when Wales won compared with when they lost, with violent assaults in Cardiff rising by one-third.

During 106 home and away matches – 74 rugby and 32 football – almost 27,000 cases of assault had required emergency treatment.

An average of 30 serious assault cases occurred each match day, with a further 30 soon afterwards. The average number of assaults then fell when there were no longer major sporting events in the city.

The findings, published in the journal Injury Prevention, revealed a

relationship between the incidence of these casualties and the outcome of the matches. Whereas the average number of assault injuries was just 25 when Wales lost, this soared to 33 when they won.

Researchers claimed: “These analyses suggest that assault may not be the result of negative factors associated with a team losing, but the result of a positive event.

“It is possible that levels of selfconfidence, assertiveness, or patriotism which may be heightened following a win are important factors.”

They added: “Winning prompts celebration, a key component of which is alcohol consumption, making interpersonal, physical assertiveness more likely.”

The topic has already received much speculation and is set to be an area for future study, with rugby supporters being labeled a problem.

In 2003 a report revealed that domestic violence doubles on international rugby days; quadruples if Wales are beaten; and multiples by eight if Wales lose to England.

The Smell of Love

By Andrew Rennison Reporter SCIENTISTS AT Cardiff University, alongside colleagues at Max-Plank Society in Germany, have identified the chemical that causes some men to smell better than others.

Experimenting on stickleback fish, it was discovered that males with body odour that is alluring to the opposite sex produce small protein fragments known as peptides.

In order to prove this, the researchers created a synthetic ‘perfume’ made up of a mixture of protein fragments.

By adjusting the perfume’s combination of fragments, they were able to increase a male’s sexual attractiveness.

To ensure

a fair test, none of the females could see their male counterparts, yet even unlucky males previously shunned were rendered irresistible once the synthetic perfume was favourably applied.

It is already well known that smell is important when picking out a partner.

Through smell, females can identify and select males with the most suitable mix of immunity genes that will guarantee healthy offspring.

In this experiment, the female fish were misled by the protein perfume into thinking that male fish with unsuitable genes were actually ideal partners. At the same time, when genetically suitable males were sprayed with the additional protien, females found the resulting overprescence of peptides repelling.

In com-

menting on the significance of the study, Dr Siân Griffiths of Cardiff School of Biosciences said “Since sticklebacks use the same molecules to communicate information about their immune system as other vertebrates, this experiment can be assumed to be important for many animals, including humans.” He went on to add: ‘Perhaps these results explain why some perfumes smell good on some people and terrible on others’.

These findings represent a minor boost for the perfume and aftershave business, whose annual revenue runs into billions. In an industry where over 90 pence in every pound’s worth of product is spent on marketing, this research will provide small but very cost-effective advertising for the many fragrances on the shelves.

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Education down the Swansea

By Caleb Woodbridge Reporter SWANSEA STUDENTS are threatening to sue the university following claims that the dismissal of an outspoken lecturer has damaged their education.

Philosophy lecturer Colwyn Williamson, a vocal critic of department cuts, was suspended by the university after he allegedly hacked into university computers.

His students say that their education has suffered as a result and that the university has failed to address their complaints.

The students filed an application for breach of contract on Friday 8 April at Swansea County Court. Law student Jamie Insole prepared the application and will represent the group if the case comes to court.

Mr Insole spoke to gair rhydd, accusing Swansea of "placing politics over student welfare". The substitution

SWANSEA: See you in court

provided by the university has proved "wholly inadequate". Mr Insole made clear that they are not calling for Mr Williamson’s reinstatement as a lecturer: "that’s a matter for the university – our concern is for the students".

Philosophy lecturer Mr Williamson received a police caution under the Computer and Misuse Act, and remains off work while an internal university investigation is still underway. Students requested that he still set and mark their final year examinations, but this was turned down by the university. Professor Noel Thompson, head of the school, defended the university’s conduct, saying that professional teaching had been provided to cover for Mr Williamson.

However, the topics on which Mr Williamson lectures, such as "Logic and Argument", are highly specialized and complex. His students believe that it will have an adverse effect on their degree if he is not the examiner for their final exams.

Earlier this week, Mike Cohen, examinations officer for philosophy students, resigned in protest. In a letter to the university, he spoke of his loss of faith in the examination procedure, further fuelling the controversy.

This is the latest twist in a long saga of controversy at Swansea University.

The university first hit the headlines in early 2004 when it announced the closure of its chemistry, sociology, anthropology and philosophy depart-

ments, and its Centre for Development Studies. These plans drew criticism from many quarters, including three Nobel Prize winners, Sir Aaron Klug, Sir John Cornforth and Sir Harry Kroto. Sir Aaron spoke of the importance of chemistry: "Chemistry... is one of the basic science subjects.

“...A university can’t put political interests above the interest of students.”

Without it you cannot go on to study many other things."

Disgruntled students’ union welfare and education officer Hannah Quinn put Swansea University up for sale on eBay in February 2004. The stunt was designed to draw attention to what she saw as the "selling out" of the university and to the damaging effects of a market in higher education. Swansea University believes the cuts to be necessary as part of a programme of "modernisation", and insists it is simply responding to student demand.

Mr Williamson, a member of the Association of University Teachers, has previously made calls for the university ruling council to resign. He believes their plans "represent the further decline of education brought in by the market". He and Mr Cohen

were heavily involved in the Petition to the University Visitor to carry out an independent review of Vice Chancellor Richard B Davies’ controversial plans to cut departments.

Critics accuse the Vice Chancellor of using bullying tactics. John Jones, a student member of the University Senate, faced disciplinary action for accusing the Vice Chancellor of "cowardice" when he dissolved a senate meeting in the face of a student demonstration. Cefin Hayward, a member of Swansea's Student Action Committee Against Closures, was released without charge by the police after being interviewed because of a complaint about satirical posters he had made depicting the Vice Chancellor with a pointed head.

The hearing could be heard in Cardiff County Court rather than in Swansea on the grounds that it will enter new legal territory. As such, it could set a precedent for future cases.

Mr Insole said that he hopes that victory would "send a strong message to the Vice-Chancellor that the university can’t put political interest above the interests of the students".

OVER 130 MPs have signed a Commons motion questioning how the Higher Education Bill will deal with part-time students.

It comes after a group of Vice Chancellors warned that it could have a devastating effect on parttime study.

The MPs believe that it is unfair that part-time students will be forced to pay their fees up front while their full-time counterparts are able to pay after graduation.

This is especially concerning given that part time student numbers have gone up by 82 per cent since 2003, leaving potentially many more people susceptible to suffer the effects of any unfair treatment.

The motion is backed by many MPs who are in support of top-up fees, including Barry Sheerman, the chairman of the education select committee.

Labour’s Hywel Francis, a former professor at Swansea University, is driving the rebellion.

He said: “We are asking the government to ensure that its proposed

Student Debt Deepens

By Jules Thorpe-Smith Reporter THE BARCLAYS annual graduate survey has revealed that student debt is still increasing.

Graduates can expect to leave university owing on average £13,500.

The figures show there has been a rise of around £10,000 in the past ten years.

Some sources suggest that the real cost may be in excess of this figure with price of going to university rising at over £1,000 a year.

Jeremy Law, head of student and graduate banking at Barclays suggests that: “Students starting a three year course in September could be graduating with debts of almost £20000."

It has been suggested that the increased cost of obtaining a postgraduate degree and the spirralling costs of higher education could be a factor which is responsible for many people not pursuing continued education to masters level and beyond.

Loyette Morgan, a 3rd Year journalism student, is an example of a student priced out of this degree.

Facing debts of about £10,000, she told gair rhydd that she felt she couldn’t afford to continue her studies to a higher level..

Rowan Belojica, also a 3rd year Journalism student agrees with this view and commented: "I think the problem with postgraduate degrees is having to pay so much more when you’re already in debt."

higher education bill is fair and equitable for part time and full time adult students.”

His aim is a guarantee that parttime students will be able to pay back their fees after graduation.

Non-parliamentary groups are also lobbying the government over the bill; those that promote adult learning are concerned that they are not taking the special needs of parttime students into account.

Unlike many other students, they often have to balance study with the pressures of full-time employment and parenthood.

CONTROVERSY BY THE BEACH

Alastair Thomson, a spokesman for the National Institute of Adult Continuing Education, warned that “a new fees regime must not be designed simply for 18-21 year olds and their parents.”

As more students may be put off part-time study, the bill is likely to affect university admissions.

Professor David Vincent, Pro Vice Chancellor for Strategy, Planning and External Affairs of the Open University, noted “there are no benefits to Higher Education in having an impoverished part-time sector.”

Wales Uni Gets Makeover

By Dave Menon Reporter THE UNIVERSITY of Wales is planning a dynamic makeover intended to enhance its image after Cardiff University pulled out last summer.

The University’s Pro-Chancellor Daffyd Wigley has released proposals for the planned makeover, after leading an inquiry spanning a year.

There are currently 10 institutions within the University of Wales, which is the second largest university in the United Kingdom.

Mr Wigley carried out the investigation amid concerns that more institutions could follow Cardiff and pass through the exit door.

The proposals may allow member universities to hand out their own degrees, while taking advantage of shared services for economical reasons.

By Sophie Robehmed and Dave Menon Reporters

Pilot University Entry Test A new national university test will be tried out in 1,000 schools this September to pick the crop of bright students from deprived backgrounds.

The two-and-a-half hour test, taken by those at the beginning of their A-level studies, is intended to find the cleverest applicants.

It could also be used to identify students with difficult backgrounds who have the ability to do better than affluent students.

Universities have called for entrance examinations due to the increase in students applying for popular courses with three grade-A passes at A-level.

European student’s right to loan

New Proposals for Part-Timers

By Perri Lewis Reporter

News in brief

Details of the shake-up have not been disclosed, as all member institutions are to be consulted first. A final report should be published at the end of June.

After the enquiry was announced, Mr Wigley said, "The departures of Cardiff and the College of Medicine certainly raise concerns about the fate of the University of Wales.

"What we want to do is come up with some radical thinking that enables higher education in Wales to prosper. If the University of Wales is to continue, it should have a role that is meaningful."

UNI OF WALES: Endangered

The European Union’s highest court recently demanded the Government to ease restrictions on university grants and subsidised student loans for EU academics, claiming current laws discriminated against foreign students.

The European Court of Justice found in favour of Dany Bidar, a French student, was denied a loan to assist with the cost of his undergraduate degree at University College London because he was not considered to have ‘settled’ in the United Kingdom.

The court’s decision means that more students from other EU nations will qualify for Britishfunded maintenance loans and grants. A Government press officer said that the number of EU students who would directly gain from the ruling was ‘very limited’.

Cardiff University experts are

Does fish prevent Alzheimers? claiming that oily f ish could potentially reduce the odds of a person catching Alzheimer’s disease. The Alzheimer’s Research Trust has given the university £30,000 to conduct a major project into this theory.

Alzheimer’s disease currently affects over half a million people in the UK, and usually occurs in the latter stages of life. The disease can frequently lead to dementia.

Professor John Harwood, Cardiff School of Biosciences said: "Our research will investigate whether oily fish, such as salmon, herring, mackerel or sardines, can actually help slow the progression of Alzheimer’s."

News

April 25 2005

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

NUS GET THE YES VOTE

By Paul Dicken News Editor

A MAJORITY 3,159 students voted for Cardiff Students’ Union to stay affiliated to the NUS at the end of last term.

73% of the 4,330 voters in last term’s union elections voted in favour of the NUS, with 21% voting in favour of disaffiliation and 6% of the votes unclear or undeclared.

Happy NUS representatives at the vote count said the result showed "that Cardiff students think NUS has something to offer."

Gareth Smith, a national executive committee member, voiced his surprise at the result describing the 4,000 plus turnout as positive, with a "massive majority" in support of the NUS. Another executive committee member, Darren Jones thought the "increase in students voting was because of the NUS issue."

James Knight NUS Wales President described the result as fantastic, and said: "It shows that students at Cardiff

are aware of the benefits of collectivism and being part of the NUS.” He added that it was "great to see students taking ownership of their union, and making their voices heard."

He also said he was looking forward to: "Working productively with

Cardiff Students’ Union next year."

Students’ Union President Gary Rees said that the Union were pleased that they highlighted the issue and would continue "to bring important issues affecting membership" to the attention of the "student body".

HAPPY: NUS reps celebrate their victory

He added that the sabbatical team would ensure that Cardiff students receive value for their affiliation fee over the course of the next year.

In response to queries about the motivation behind the ‘Yes’ campaign he said that on top of all their experiences with NUS, an incident where an NUS executive responded to the news of Edinburgh rejoining the NUS with the words: "Yes, that’s fifty grand ching, ching", were major factors.

He described the comments as being when the "dagger really turned in the wound".

In March, London School of Economics (LSE), Newcastle University, and University of Surrey students all voted to stay part of the NUS in overwhelming majorities.

Edinburgh University recently rejoined the NUS after 20 years without national representation.

On March 16 NUS Wales and students from across Wales lobbied the National Assembly to discourage the implementation of variable fees in Wales.

The student swing

By Rachel Owen Reporter THE NUS are urging students to use their votes in the forthcoming General Election.

The ‘Get the Vote Out’ campaign recognises that with 5.2 million student members (13% of the overall electorate) the power of the student voice should not be underestimated.

Much media interest has particularly focussed on the ‘student vote’ in marginal seats such as Cardiff Central.

Currently held by Labour’s Jon Owen Jones the seat has a slim majority of 659, both Labour and the Liberal Democrats are hopeful for victory and a tough contest is expected.

Cardiff Central is the smallest, most

urban of all Welsh constituencies and has the highest student vote in Wales.

Beckly Lloyd, campaigns manager at the Electoral Commission said: "Politics affects many aspects of student’s lives, from the price of a pint in the union bar to the standard of their accomodation, so it’s vital that they have their say."

The issue clouding the election this time around is voter apathy. Yet with issues such as top-up fees, housing and lower unemployment rates directly affecting students, the main parties are hoping for a surge in voting figures.

The Liberal Democrats have directly targetted students hoping that the unpopularity of top-up fees will reflect positively on them.

However, the Cardiff Central contest is made even closer, as Labour

candidate Jon Owen Jones voted against his party over the Higher Education Bill regarding top-up fees in 2004.

The Labour Party has been replaced by the Liberal Democrats as the party of choice for young people according to the 2005 Student Opinion Survey.

The Survey indicates that a third of all students are planning to vote for the Liberal Democrats. The Labour vote has fallen from 42% in 2001 to 28% now and the Conservatives are at 19%.

The Labour Party are hopeful that an education record, including a 38% rise in the number of 18-to-30-yearolds going into higher education since the 1960s, will restore confidence amongst young people.

With regards to top-up fees, they believe that the £10 billion debt uni-

versities are currently in will be eradicated and not needing to pay up-front fees will widen access for those from poorer backgrounds.

The new pay-as-you-earn scheme is opposed by the Liberal Democrats who would

a colleague saw an essay on mechanical engineering for sale on e-Bay that was not marked for "research only" indicating that a student could submit this essay as though it were their own work.

He added: "People who bought mechanical engineering essays generally bought items on other related topics. It’s very clear that there were people selling essays on e-Bay who were trying to help people plagiarise.

That was their intent."

Separate research recently published by Loughborough University claimed that the quality of essays bought from "ghost-writing" companies was of poor quality and characterised by errors.

Dr Reddy is a member of the JISC

Plagiarism Advisory Service’s experts’ groups. The service provides software that compares work submit-

ted by students to find suspicious similarities.

Reddy concluded that students

instead fund commitments from progressive taxation (taxing 50% of all earnings over £100,000) which they claim will resolve the worsening problems of student debt and be favourable with the student vote.

Unis face financial turmoil

By Dave Menon Reporter THE HIGHER Education Funding Council for England (Hefce) has confirmed that 11 English universities are in financial turmoil, following the release of confidential papers.

Many details were removed from the controversial papers, which were handed to The Guardian newspaper under the Freedom of Information Act. Under-recruitment and management weaknesses were alleged to be the main problems, but the Hefce has refused to name the universities for commercial reasons.

But the Hefce claimed that much of the information was "historic" and added that no institutions were currently at "immediate risk".

The Guardian refuted this claim and revealed that two of the 11 illfated universities were at "risk" in December, although their circumstances had since improved.

In February Hefce announced that 11 institutions were in the second most high-risk category, which stands for universities expected to be at risk in the next 12 months.

NUS President Kat Fletcher said: "This information is very worrying.

In an age of minimal financial support and increasing levels of debt, students simply cannot afford to be mucked about.

"Course closures have already wreaked havoc across the country this year alone. In many cases, undue stress has been caused to students by lack of information when their course is under threat.

"We call on Hefce and the government to provide transparent information to students about the financial stability of their institutions on application.”

Universities UK, the organisation which represents university leaders, declined to comment on proceedings.

www.student-cheats.com

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter UNIVERSITY STUDENTS who are buying essays from online auction websites are adding to the shocking level of plagiarism, according to recent research.

Mike Reddy, University of Glamorgan computer expert, tracked a single essay on e-Bay. He found that "one-off" research could be sold countless times, with nearly 300 people involved in this immoral trade.

NUS Wales President, James Knight, said: "Plagiarism is totally unacceptable but in some cases understandable."

Dr Reddy began his research when

THE NET: harbours ghost written essays up for sale

who thought they were safe in buying so-called one-off material from online auction sites were at a high risk of being discovered. He said: "If they [essays] have been sold multiple times then they are just as prone to being picked up by the detection software as anything else."

James Knight argues that "there is a need to make sure all assessments are far more flexible in their nature, so they can be tailored more to individual students".

PowerPoint presentations are the latest additions to essays and dissertations that are attracting buyers to the site. Meanwhile, the internet auction site e-Bay was asked to comment on Dr Reddy’s findings but as of yet, have failed to respond.

World News

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HIGHER LEARNING

By Paul Dicken News Editor TWO YEARS after Saddam Hussein ceased to be power in Iraq, thousands of Iraqi citizens attended an anti-occupation protest in Baghdad.

130,000 American soldiers and around 9,000 British soldiers remain in Iraq, with a clear plan for withdrawal still absent.

Unofficial figures of the military invasion and occupation estimate that anywhere between 15,000 and 100,000 civilians have been killed in the last two years.

The country is faced with fuel shortages, with unemployment figures also vaguely represented at between 25% and 50%.

For Iraqi students the future also remains uncertain with student life in the country easily disrupted.

Through the 1980’s and into the 1990’s under Saddam Hussein’s rule, schools and universities declined as funding was redirected towards other political concerns.

Mahdy Ali Lafta, head of the Iraqi Teacher’s Union, describes an education system in degeneration from the 1970’s onwards, where illiteracy went from being non-existent to only 51% of girls and 34% of boys being able to read and write after leaving school.

At universities, staff were appointed by a hierarchical ‘top-down’ system. An aggressive anti-Western stance also meant that the academic system of the country suffered as outside research and knowledge could only be smuggled into the country, while many academics fled the politi-

BAGHDAD UNIVERSITY: pivotal in the future of Iraq cal system of Iraq to work in other countries.

Since the installation of an executive committee and the more recent political developments in Iraq, the country’s education system has slowly begun to rebuild itself.

Teachers who had lost their jobs under the previous government were invited back to work, wages have increased, unions have formed and academics are being appointed through "open staff elections".

Campus life has also radically changed. There is a new "atmosphere of debate and tolerance" at Baghdad University where students from different ethnic groups, previously disparate, now talk between each other openly.

Despite the progress Iraq, and its

institutions are fraught with problems.

Students in Iraq talking to the BBC expressed their concerns about safety for people in Iraq. Roha Ahmed Ali, a 21 year-old student, was caught in the crossfire between militants and the US army while driving to university.

The country’s instability means that students are worried that steady jobs will be hard to come by with such an uncertain future for the country.

The limit on electricity use means that students cannot study at night, while many students do not feel safe going out after dark.

A suicide bomb attack in February killed 125 people, including around 50 newly qualified teachers registering their health certificates.

The slow development of infra-

structure has meant progress has been slow, with large school classes, the need for a new curriculum and teacher training all yet to be addressed.

Growing ethnic and political tolerance has transformed university life in Iraq, although political developments that have meant a Shia Muslim majority is in the new national assembly have led to fears of Islamic Sharia law being introduced, with implications of religious intolerance.

The new-found independence of the Shia population has led to the growth of some extremist factions.

At Baghdad University cases of intimidation towards female students, whose behaviour doesn’t conform to certain versions of Shia Islam, have increased.

There are also fears of a repeat of an incident in Basra where militia attacked and reportedly killed two students who played music and flirted at an "immoral" picnic.

Elsewhere in Southern Iraq many areas are controlled by Shias backed by religious leaders, and shops selling alcohol have been closed, while women are pressurised into covering their heads.

Religious tension is a major concern for Iraq and its attempts to create a unified government and society.

The newly elected President Jalal Talabani has dismissed the suggestion of Islamic law being introduced in the country: “In Iraq, it is impossible, because you have Kurds, Arabs, Shia, Sunni, Christians - such a kind of mosaic society. It is not Iran, it cannot be an Islamic society. If anyone tried to impose it, Iraq would be divided.”

Local justice for Rwanda

By Georgie Mavrakis Reporter TRADITIONAL COMMUNITY courts in Rwanda have begun trying people accused of involvement in the 1994 genocide in which nearly a million people were killed.

Local community courts have been set up all over Rwanda to clear a backlog of some 10,000 cases resulting from the genocide over 10 years ago.

Judges have been elected by the local community and can hand down sentences up to life imprisonment. The

750 courts, known as ‘gacaca’ courts, will try suspects in front of their accusers, some of whom know both the victims and the suspects.

Human rights organisations have expressed concerns that suspects are not given any access to lawyers and may not receive a fair trial.

However, these local courts can deal with thousands of cases a month and may help end the overcrowding in Rwanda's prisons.

The Hutu militias killed around 800,000 Tutsis and moderate Hutus after the assassination of ethnic Hutu

TWO SISTERS: a 2004 photograph of survivors from 1994

leader Juvenal Habyarimana in 1994.

Western nations have been criticised for ignoring the horrors and sending no diplomatic or military aid whilst the atrocities were taking place.

Now, however, is a different story.

Belgium, Rwanda's colonial power, and South Africa have apologised for their inaction during the genocide.

Relations between France and Rwanda, however, remain hostile.

Paul Kagame, the Rwandan President, last year openly accused France of training and arming government soldiers, "they knew they were going to commit genocide" he said.

A UN mandated court has also been set up in the neighbouring Tanzanian town of Arush to try those suspects accused of orchestrating the genocide. The International Tribunal for Rwanda (ITCR) has so far convicted 20 people and acquitted three.

Ten years on, world leaders seem more prepared to proclaim how horrific the atrocities in Rwanda were, but recent events in Sudan show that international influence may still be reticent when enforcing human rights in other countries.

After heavy criticism for its inaction over recent events in Sudan, the UN have unanimously condemned

World News in Brief

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter THE FIRST part of a 1,700-year old stone obelisk stolen by Italy almost 70 years ago is in the process of being returned to Ethiopia.

The Axum obelisk is considered to be one of Ethiopia’s national religious treasures. A plane recently delivered the middle part of the obelisk and the top and bottom is set to arrive within a week.

Italian troops seized the obelisk in 1937 and took it to Rome, where it has remained ever since, despite a 1947 UN agreement to return it to Ethiopia.

Iran close Al-Jazeera offices

The Iranian authorities have closed the Tehran offices of television station, Al-Jazeera, since accusing the broadcaster of inflaming ethnic riots in the south of the country.

Al-Jazeera has appealed to the government to reverse its decision.

The broadcaster said: "AlJazeera assures its audience that it will continue to cover Iranian affairs objectively, comprehensively and in a balanced way, and calls on the relevant Iranian authorities to reconsider the decision to suspend it’s bureau’s activities."

Last year, it was banned from reporting in Iraq after angering authorities in Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Jordon and Kuwait for its policy of airing opposition views and criticisms.

The network has also been attacked by the US government for its coverage of the Iraq war.

Australians face execution after Bali tip-off

PRESIDENT: Paul Kagame

Nine Australians arrested in Indonesia on suspicion of drug trafficking after a tip-off from their country’s authorities might face execution by firing squad.

Eight men and one woman, aged between 18 and 29, were arrested after allegedly trying to smuggle almost 11kg (24lb) of heroin from the popular resort island of Bali.

The nine suspects face death by firing squad if convicted under Indonesian law. Australian federal police agents had dressed as tourists while they monitored the group for over 10 weeks in the hotel foyer and bars.

“widespread and systematic” violations in Sudan’s Darfur region.

The 53-member Comission on Human Rights voted to give itself greater powers of investigation in Sudan, appointing a special investigator to monitor human rights situations and report back to the UN. The Security Council has increased pressure on the Sudan government to contain violence. that has escalated since 2003.

After considerable haggling over the terms, the UN Security Council has also voted to refer those suspected of war crimes in Sudan to the International Criminal Court in The Hague.

Canadian prime minister, Paul Martin, looks like being ousted after being elected by winning a minority government less than a year ago.

The opposition parties are likely to topple the Liberals soon, over allegations of corruption.

It is expected that Conservative leader, Stephen Harper, will move to defeat the Liberals in a mid-May no confidence vote, with the support of the opposition Bloc Québécois.

A report is currently looking into allegations of fraud and corruption, although the Conservatives are keen to remove the prime minister before the report publishes its findings.

No confidence in Canadian PM

News

April 25 2005

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Sabbaticals round-up The eight dedicated individuals you chose to run your Union ATHLETIC UNION PRESIDENT

UNION PRESIDENT The egg finally cracked for Pete "Gooders" Goodman who secured the coveted role of President with 1307 votes.

Jon Bateman rolled in a close second with 1146 votes.

Pete remarked: “I can’t wait to be President next year, I’m really looking forward to it. I met my (Sabbatical) team today for the first time and I believe we will achieve a lot next year.”

Goodman, who currently holds the sabbatical position of College President of Humanities and Sciences, went on to say that, “The team are great and have so many ideas, so first of all, I want to help them to achieve their aims.”

When asked about his plans for the future, he said: "Personally, I really want to put to bed the Keep Wednesdays Free campaign, I want free Wednesdays.

“I also want to ensure next year that we are a truly merged union, so I’d like to involve more students from the Wales College of Medicine in union activities.”

Gooders is keen to bring the Union its very own burger bar so “students can get a healthy clean burger for significantly cheaper prices.”

To extend the life-span of the average student he wants to look into the possibility of “lifetime membership”. He says he “will be working to ensure that we can stay in touch with each other when we leave.”

Not wanting to ignore current affairs he set out his stall “to forge a better and improved working relationship with the NUS and get value for money for our students.”

He added: “I want us to get involved with the NUS, and to take

PETE GOODMAN advantage of all the services which they offer.

Pete was College President of Hummanities and Life Sciences this year.

Lisa Gwinnett was in it to win it and she certainly kept her promise.

Lisa ended up with 2090 votes and revealed: "I am over the moon about getting AU President and I’m glad I got the courage to go up for the position".

"One of my main aims is to increase participation of sport, with an emphasis on the fun side of sport".

"I love netball but I would like to try other sports like dodgeball. If you have tournaments on weekends, more freshers are likely to compete, especially as there is not enough time on a Wednesday afternoon".

"Another of my main aims is to increase communication. The AU is (currently) not accessible to most students. I am going to change that by having an open door policy where students can see me about any queries. I will improve the web-

LISA GWINNET site too."

"Finally I want to improve refereeing and umpiring standards in IMG Sport. I will do this by allowing team members to take part in

CAMPAIGNS AND PR OFFICER

TOAN RAVENSCROFT

After 3,554 students had voted for the next Campaigns and PR Officer, Toan Ravenscroft was announced the winner with a total of 1,228 student votes.

From September he will be responsible for organising all students’ union campaigns and co-ordinating internal and external communications.

When asked about the challenging prospect, Toan commented: “I’m very excited about winning the campaign and am looking forward to getting my hands on the job next year.

“I’m also really looking forward to working with the rest of the new team.”

The position, which was sixth to be announced, saw Toan beat rivals Sian Mundy, Farah Ahmed and runner-up Alice Bowley by 431 votes.

After coming to terms with his win, Toan now plans to organise events as soon as possible.

“I’m basically just looking at all my options within the job,” he claimed.

“I’ll plan the whole year and what needs to be done, including highlighting all the crucial campaigns.”

Toan is one of two of the sabbatical officers elected who is part of the AU football team, for which he is secretary.

CAMPAIGN TRAIL: The union steps become a battle ground

News

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April 25 2005

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MEDIA OFFICER

TOM WELLINGHAM

In a closely fought election, Tom Wellingham was voted as Media Officer with 1,346 votes. Following his triumph he said: “It’s a great privilege to be Media Officer next year and the prospect is still settling in my mind.”

“My key objective is to get all student media working more closely together. Furthermore I would like to improve the way we do our advertising, so we can increase revenue.

“In addition to this I would like to improve facilities for those involved

in the media, and to ensure we have the right tools to make operations run effectively.

“Finally I would like to offer more training with closer links to Jomec and English.

“From my time at Xpress , I found you have to have an effective team behind you. I am going to develop good teamworking, and empower the writers themselves.

“That way it will allow their plans for next year to come through. In short I would like to keep ideas coming and move student media forward, although Gary (Andrews) will be a tough act to follow.”

UNION SECRETARY James Twigger scored a controversial victory after fellow campaigner Simon Yates was disqualified for voting twice. As a result, the outcome was only announced late on Thursday night. James was awarded 1,226 votes and admitted afterwards: “I am overjoyed to be new Union Secretary. I think we’ve got a strong (Sabbatical) team and it’s a shame about the controversy.

“One of my main responsibilities is the student website, www.cardiffstudents.com. I will be making sure the site is kept up to date and has plenty of new features.

“I would like to increase awareness and participation of the Student Council and continue the success of Union club nights. We’d like to use Thursday nights but it’s just finding the right events for it. Also I want to keep drinks promotions consistently low.

“A lot of people don’t realise the financial part of the job. Working as an accountant for a year and being Finance Manager of Xpress Radio gives me relevant knowledge to help me make important financial decisions”.

COLLEGE PRESIDENT OF HUMANITIES AND SCIENCE

GEMMA LONG

Gemma Long scraped the barrel and defeated Jessica Reeves by two crucial votes.

As the election was so close, the votes had to be counted for a second time.

The result was announced early on Thursday morning and a relieved Gemma said: “I was delighted to win this position, although it was by the narrowest of margins. My experience shows it’s true that every vote does count. I hope to build on my experience as Vice President of this college to do the best job possible for all the students I’ll be representing.”

JAMES TWIGGER

SOCIETIES, POSTGRADUATE AND INTERNATIONAL OFFICER Of the 3,229 student votes for Societies, Postgraduate and International Officer, Benny Thomas was named as victor after collecting 1,885.

Benny pipped Rhiannon Ebsworth to the post in a fairly close election.

Rhiannon ended up with 1,147 votes, approximately 700 votes short.

Benny demonstrated his delight at being elected, but was frank in admitting the challenges ahead.

“It’s fantastic to win an election, I’m a bit nervous and apprehensive about what’s to come, but I am relishing the challenge.

“I want to build on the success of

Beri (Abbas) last year, and events such as Global Village through getting increased finances through external sponsorship.

“My role is to look after all societies, finances, international students and the needs of postgraduate students.

“Also I want to continue on what Beri (Abbas) has been doing and campaign against smaller visa charges for international students.”

Benny based his campaign on telephone company BT which form his initials.

He was one of two elected sabbatical officers who were members of the AU football team.

BENNY THOMAS

COLLEGE PRESIDENT OF MEDICINE, BIOLOGY AND LIFE AND HEALTH SCIENCE

Russell Simpson was the only candidate running for College President of Medicine and Biosciences and won a total of 2,499 votes.

Russell admitted afterwards, “I was ecstatic to be elected as College President, even though I was the only runner. The people still could have voted for RON. “Since I’ve gone for this position, I have had long chats with Jenny Longbottom in order to fill her boots, especially since she did a

great job last year.

“Accomodation is a key issue in my opinion - I feel first year students need more guidance when finding a house, especially as landlords can rip them off. I am willing to address this issue next year” “I am here to provide academic and welfare support for all students.

Although my title is related to science, I am here to assist all students.”

RUSSELL SIMPSON

SO NEAR AND YET SO FAR: the gimmicks that never were

News

April 25 2005

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Non-sabb round-up

Representing your needs and they’re not even getting paid HEALTH AND WELFARE OFFICER

KATE MONAGHAN

KATE MONAGHAN was voted Health and Welfare Officer after receiving a total of 2,675 votes.

On her win, she announced: “I am very pleased that I was elected. I believe that I will be able to offer a lot to the Union, and more importantly the students, by running a successful sexual health and housing campaign next year. Thank you all for voting!”

POSTGRADUATE SUPPORT OFFICER ANSHUMAN RAWAT was announced Postgraduate Support Officer after receiving 2,366 student votes.

He claimed: “I wasn’t expecting so many votes. When the counting was over and I was announced winner it was awesome – I didn’t expect so many. I’m really looking forward to my position in September.”

ANSHUMAN RAWAT

WOMEN’S OFFICER WOMEN’S OFFICER was another position with just one candidate – Katherine Dobbs – who won with 2,675 student votes.

On her win she declared: “I’m very pleased about winning the position of Women’s Officer, so thanks to everyone who voted. I intend to fulfil the proposals I made in my manifesto and also work with the Health and Welfare Officer on a women’s safety campaign.”

DEPUTY GAIR RHYDD EDITOR & QUENCH EDITOR WITH A total of 1,714 votes, Will Dean will take over from James Anthony as editor of Quench and deputy editor of gair rhydd in September.

He declared: ‘It was great to win, but next year’s going to be really hard work. I’m looking forward to it. We’ve got a great team up at the gair rhydd office, and hopefully we can go on to win more awards.’

XPRESS STATION MANAGER

JEN LONG

IMG CHAIR

After almost two days, the new Xpress Radio station manager was one of the last non-sabbatical positions to be announced.

With a total of 1,658 votes, Jen Long was announced the winner and will take over from current manager, Tom Wellingham, in September.

CLARE DONOVAN was announced winner of IMG Chair after receiving a total of 2,486 student votes.

Speaking of her win, she announced: "I’m obviously very glad I got the position. I have lots of ideas that I am already working on, so hopefully we will have a good year and improve in the IMG.”

When asked how she felt, she replied: “Good, really good. It was definitely worth it.” After a full week of campaigning, she vowed to celebrate it by going to bed. She also wanted to thank rival Heather Casey “for being a super component and for running a fair and pleasant campaign.”

WELSH AFFAIRS OFFICER

CLARE DONOVAN

ELLEN ANGHARAD

KATHERINE DOBBS

ELLEN ANGHARAD was the only candidate running for Welsh Affairs Officer and won a total of 2,514 votes.

“I’m looking forward to making a difference and working with everyone,” she announced following her win.

“I want to make sure the bi-lingual policy is carried through because I think this i svery important. I know that there have been problems with translating, so if there is a need for translators, I will do the best I can to provide this service.”

WILL DEAN RACE EQUALITY OFFICER

RAHAT AHMED

LGB OFFICER

DIGBY YORK WITH A total of 2,393 votes, Digby York was announced the new Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Officer.

He claimed: “I’m pleased to have got the position and hope that I will be able to help as much as possible with many of the various issues and problems.” When speaking of supporting Cardiff University’s lesbian, gay and bisexual population he added: “I will provide an important contact and link to the relevant organisations, as well as helping to improve the services offered by the Students’ Union.”

OF THE 2,810 student votes for Race Equality Officer, Rahat Ahmed won 1,372 and will take over the position in September.

Delighted with the announcement, she said: “I’m so pleased that students had confidence in me. I hope that I can make a really good Race Equality Officer.” On her future plans, she announced: “I want to start by opening up prayer rooms around the University. There are still many religions here that do not have anywhere to pray.”

AU VICE PRESIDENT HANNAH SMITH was anounced AU Vice President after winning a total of 2,761 student votes.

Hannah stated: "It’s great news obviously and very exciting. I am going to be working underneath Lisa, supporting her and adding my own opinion.

“The merger with the Medical School I think is very important to keep strong as well as the IMG too.

I am in charge of the Varsity and Slave Auction, which will hopefully be a big success."

HANNAH SMITH

THE FOLLOWING POSITIONS HAVE NOT BEEN FILLED: ETHICAL AND ENVIRONMENTAL OFFICER; MATURE OFFICER; STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER

Taf-Od

Tud 12

25 Ebrill 2005

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Cymru’n Dathlu Gan Lois Dafydd Gohebydd Taf-Od MAE’N ANODD credu bod pum wythnos ers y prynhawn bythgofiadwy hwnnw y cipiodd Cymru’r Gamp Lawn am y tro cyntaf ers 27 mlynedd, gan ennyn parch ac ofn ar y cae rygbi rhyngwladol.

Ond, mae arna i ofn nad yw’r garfan fuddugoliaethus hon wedi derbyn y parch haeddiannol gan Syr Clive Woodward, a gyhoeddodd ei ddewis ef ar gyfer carfan tîm y Llewod yr wythnos ddiwethaf.

Dim ond 10 o’r 44 fydd yn teithio i Seland Newydd ar y 24ain o Fai a gerddodd ar y llwyfan i godi’r cwpan ar Fawrth y 19eg: Gethin Jenkins (prop), Tom Shanklin (tri-chwarter), Shane Williams (asgellwr), Martyn Williams (blaenasgellwr), Dwayne Peel (mewnwr), Gavin Henson (canolwr), Stephen Jones (maswr), Gareth Thomas (cefnwr), Gareth Cooper (mewnwr), a Michael Owen (wythwr).

Fis Mawrth doedd neb yn disgwyl y byddai cymaint â hynny’n mynd ar y daith i hemisffer y de’r tro yma, ond unwaith i’r sgôr 11 – 9 droi’n realiti dechreuwyd darogan mai’r ddraig fyddai ar flaen y gad yn erbyn y crysau duon.

Efallai mai braidd yn uchelgeisiol oedd y gobeithion hynny, ond daeth y cyhoeddiad fod llai na chwarter carfan y Llewod yn Gymry’n sioc aruthrol i nifer o’u cyd-wladwyr wrth ystyried y llwyddiant diweddar.

‘Ar ddechrau’r tymor dywedodd rhywun mai 14 Gwyddel a Jonny Wilkinson ddylai’r XV fod, ond neithiwr roedd hynny wedi newid i 14 Cymro a Jonny’, meddai Woodward wrth y BBC, ar ôl penwythnos ola’r cystadlu.

Y Garfan Fuddigol Ond roedd nifer yn dal i gredu mai’r chwaraewyr a enillodd Gwpan y Byd dan ei arweiniad ef flwyddyn a hanner yn ôl fyddai’n mynd â’i fryd.

Ac felly y bu, wrth i gyn-reolwr Lloegr ddewis 20 Sais i fynd gydag ef i Seland Newydd, er gwaetha canlyniad siomedig o’u rhan nhw, yn gorffen y gystadleuaeth yn y bedwaredd safle. Adlewyrchodd y cyhoeddiad ofnau nifer sy’n awgrymu iddo lunio’i garfan cyn y Chwe Gwlad, wrth iddo ddewis y Saeson a ffefrynnau’r gystadleuaeth, y Gwyddelod, fel y mwyafrif. Ategwyd yr amheuon hyn gan lwyddiant Syr Clive i ddarbwyllo cyn-gapten Lloegr, Laurence Dallaglio, i droi ei gefn ar ei ymddeoliad o rybgi rhyngwladol ac ymuno â thîm Ynysoedd Prydain dros yr haf, gan wneud yn iawn am golli Sais dylanwadol.

Ni fydd arwr y crysau gwynion yng Nghwpan y Byd 2003, Jonny Wilkinson, yn rhan o’r garfan oherwydd anaf a olygodd na allai chwarae un gêm yn y bencampwriaeth ddiweddar. ‘Os yw'n dangos yn yr wythnosau nesaf ei fod yn ffit rwyf eisiau ei alw i fewn i'r garfan’, meddai Woodward wrth y BBC. Byddai hynny’n sicr ddim wrth fodd pawb, yn enwedig gan nad ydyw

wedi chwarae’n gyson ers misoedd.

Yn arwain y Llewod yn Christchurch fis Mehefin fydd y Gwyddel Brian O’Driscoll, i wynebu tîm Graham Henry a Steve Hansen, dau gyn-reolwr carfan Cymru.

Nid cyhoeddiad Cilve Woodward yn unig a ysgogodd anniddigrwydd ymysg cefnogwyr rygbi Cymry dros yr wythnosau diwethaf. Ychydig oriau wedi’r chwib olaf yn erbyn Iwerddon dechreuwyd trefnu achlysur er mwyn i’r genedl allu ymuno â’r chwaraewyr i ddathlu’r fuddugoliaeth, ac i ddangos eu gwerthfawrogiad o waith caled Mike Ruddock a’i griw.

Gorymdaith bws deulawr o amgylch y brif ddinas oedd cynnig

Peel: Yn mynd i Sealand Newydd

Rhodri Morgan a dymuniad y cefnogwyr, er mwyn cip ar eu harwyr. Ac roedd yna alw hefyd ar i’r tim ymweld â gwahanol rannau o Gymru, ond erbyn hyn, does dim trefniadau ar y gweill ar gyfer yr un orymdaith. Yn hytrach, penderfyniad Undeb Rygbi Cymru yw cynnal digwyddiad yn Stadiwm y Mileniwm.

Ar wyl y Banc Calan Mai bydd rhai o’r garfan fuddugol yn dychwelyd at lwyfan eu buddugoliaeth i gyfrannu at y dathliadau, lle bydd cyfle i weld uchafbwytniau’r gêmau ar y sgrîn fawr yn ogystal â pherfformiadau byw. ‘Ni fydd y plant yn yr ysgol, ac ni fydd y rhieni yn eu gwaith, felly mae’n rhoi cyfle i bawb ddod i’r stadiwm,’ meddai Paul Sergeant, Rheolwr Cyffredinol Stadiwm y Mileniwm, wrth y BBC. ‘Buom yn ystyried gorymdaith, ond bydd hyn yn gyfle gwell i bobl weld y chwaraewyr yn hirach nac am ryw 60 eiliad wrth i’r bws yrru heibio’.

Ond ni fydd yr unig ddathliad swyddogol yma’n rhad ac am ddim.

Bydd gofyn i bobl brynu tocynnau ymla llaw os ydyn nhw am ymuno yn y dathlu, ac er nad yw’r pris swyddogol wedi’i benderfynu eto, dywedodd Paul Sergeant nad oes disgwyl iddyn nhw fod yn ddrutach na rhyw £3. Nid yw pawb yn or hapus ynghylch y dewis i godi tâl.

Efallai mai cipolwg o ryw ychydig eiliadau fyddai’r orymdaith fws draddodiadol o amgylch strydoedd y brif ddinas, ond mae’n debyg y byddai pobl yn fwy parod i frwydro yn erbyn llif anochel trafnidiaeth gwyl y banc er mwyn gwneud hynny.

‘O’n profiad ni byddai llai na hanner y bobl yn dod petai’r tocynnau am ddim’, meddai Sergeant, i gyfiawnhau’r penderfyniad i godi tâl, ac fe fydd unrhyw elw ychwanegol ohonynt yn cael ei roi tuag at elusen.

Ond dau na fydd yn cael eu gorfodi i dwrio yn eu pocedi am yr ychydig bunnoedd hynny yw’r pâr sydd newydd briodi, Charles a Camilla.

‘Fe fyddai’r parti yn achlysur perf-

Cofio Gwynfor Evans Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od DYDD IAU ddwethadf bu fawr un o gewri gwleidyddol Cymru. Bu farw Gwynfor Evans, Aelod Seneddol cyntaf Plaid Cymru, yn 92 mlwydd oed wedi salwch hir.

Ganwyd Mr Evans yn y Bari ger Caerdydd ym 1912, dysgodd cymraeg yn ei arddegau cyn mynd i Brifysgol Cymru, Aberystwyth a Choleg yr Iesu, Rydychen.

Yn heddychwr ac yn Gristion, fe ‘refused’ i ymuno a’r fyddin yn ystod yr Ail Ryfel Byd a sefodd tu flaen ‘tribunal’ lle gafodd ei glirio o unryw nam.

Ym 1945 fe esgynodd i fod yn lywydd Plaid Cymru, lle bu yng nghanol sawl ymgais a arweiniodd y blaid at un o’i adegau mwyaf llwyddiannus.

Fe ymladdodd yn y 1950au i gael ‘parliament’ i Gymru ac yn erbyn ymgais Cyngor Sir Lerpwl boddi dyffryn Dreweryn ger y Bala.

Yn anffodus ni fu’n llwyddianus yn naill ymgais.

Etholwyd Mr Evans i San Steffan mewn is-etholiad yng Ngorffenaf 1966 ar ran Caerfyddin wedi marwolaeth Dame Megan Lloyd George, merch y cyn Brif Weinidog David Lloyd George.

Hyd heddiw mae canlyniad is-

etholiad 1966 yn un o ganlyniadau mwyaf annisgwylied yn hanes gwleidyddiaeth y DU. Ym 1980 fe ddechreuodd ‘hunger strike’ dros gael orsaf teledu iaith gymraeg.

Dechruodd S4C darlledu ym 1982 wedi i’r llywodraeth Ceidwadwyr roi i mewn i’r pwysau gan ef ag eraill.

Ysgrifennodd ei hunangofiant, Bywyd Cymro, ym 1982 a’r cyfieithiad For the Sake of Wales ym 1996.

Ym 1997 gweoldd ei freuddwyd yn ddod yn wir gyda sefydliad Cynulliad Cymru.

Mr Gwynfor Evans AS,

Martyn Williams: Legend

faith iddynt ymweld â Chymru,’ dywedodd Rupert Moon, rheolwr masnachol y stadiwm a chyn-fewnwr Cymru wrth y BBC. Dyma fydd eu hymweliad cyntaf i Gymru’n bâr priod.

Er gwaetha’r holl anniddigrwydd yma, ry’n ni’n estyn ein dymuniadau gorau i’r Cymry hynny fydd yn cynrychioli eu cenedl dros yr haf. A phwy a wyr, os bydd Cymru’n llwyddo i adeiladu ar y sylfaen a osodwyd dros y misoedd diwethaf, efallai mai Cwpan y Byd 2007 fydd y llwyddiant nesaf, a tybed ai rheolwr o Gymro fydd yn dofi’r llewod ymhen pedair blynedd?

Geordie

April 25 2005

Page 13

columnist@gairrhydd.com

Geordie The last scintilla of doubt just rode out of town

I Refute It Thus

Or, excuses not to vote and why they’re rubbish

I

t’s that time again: Election time. On May 5 we get to exercise our hard-earned right to determine our destiny.

But voter apathy is rife, with fewer young people voting in the last General Election than to decide which moron wins Big Brother.

Excuses for failing to turn out on polling day are plentiful, but few stand up under examination. Thusly: “It doesn’t affect me.” Bloody does. For a start, the government decides the tax rates and spending on public services such as the NHS. Ever had to see a doctor? Planning on getting a job after university?

Well it affects you then, doesn’t it?

“I don’t understand it.” Then learn. In an age when information is instantly available at the fingertips, it’s not hard. The only thing worse than ignorance is willful ignorance.

“I don’t like any of the parties.”

You can’t please all of the people all of the time. There’s a broad spectrum of policy even within the main parties. Pick the one that most closely matches your views. Even if it’s the Conservatives.

“I can’t be bothered.” Fine. Stay on your fat, lazy arse then. You do, of course, have the right not to vote.

Just don’t complain when your MP turns out to be an idiot. I’ll bet most of those that whined about the Iraq war didn’t bother voting. That’s the beauty of democracy, ultimately we get the leaders we deserve.

So there you are: reasons why you shouldn’t not vote. Go on then.

Mae hen iaith y Cymru mor fwy ac eriod Carr Driving

T

here are too many people with too little to do. The world, it would seem, is replete with individuals whose pastime of choice is Causing Problems for Others, a hobby growing in popularity.

Not with ‘chavs’ or miscreant, toerag youths indulging a predilection for mischiefmaking. Grown, adult people.

The Bilingual Policy, hotly-debated recently, is returning to the fore: one of the aforementioned antagonists has made a complaint against gair rhydd for breaching the Welsh Language Act. Maybe technically our accuser has a point: the Welsh Language Scheme submitted by the Students’ Union is a bilingual policy, and since the publication isn’t produced in its entirety in both English and Welsh, this policy isn’t followed to the letter.

On The Wall It’s interesting that the policy only effectively applies to the written word. While Welsh and English may be given equal treatment and prominence on the Union’s noticeboards and documents pertaining to Student Council, that’s where the linguistic merriment stops.

I could, were I a fluent Welshspeaker, read the proceedings of Student Council yn Cymraeg, but the meetings are conducted entirely in English. No interpreters round the back for us, no instant translation in the ear. In fact, the only way Student Council really mimics the UN is in its

impotence and dullness.

Nor is there a guarantee that the union bars will have a Welsh speaker on shift at any given time. You could walk into the Taf and order a Brains but if you did it yn Cymraeg the most common response would probably be a blank stare.

Define Equal The Bilingual Policy’s assertion that both languages are to be given ‘equal status’ is also open to interpretation. The quantity of the newspaper that is produced in Welsh represents the number of Welsh speakers in the University pretty accurately. Is this not a form of ‘equal status’?

Likewise, gair rhydd is just as disposed toward accepting contributions in either language. However, the sole Welsh-speaking section editor has had to turn down offers of material for Taf-Od due to the lack of quality Welsh writing. So there’s as much Welsh content as we can get.

The employment of a translator in theory allows most of the publication to be translated into Welsh without needing too many native speakers to be employed.

It doesn’t work for all of the content, however. A letter in the current edition of The Journalist, the industry’s union magazine, criticises columnists for using excessive full stops and incomplete sentences. Like this.

The reason is that, because the article is the writer’s own opinion, the tendency is to write more like the way we would talk. Therefore a colum-

nist’s personality is embodied in their writing, and this simply doesn’t translate without losing much of its impact. A totally bilingual paper would probably be devoid of opinion – very much a ‘facts me till I fart’ affair.

Savvy?

Producing an entire newspaper in both languages would simply be impossible. To ‘bilingualise’ gair rhydd is to engage in a financially crippling doubling of the size of the paper with the same amount of advertising, since few companies will be willing to pay to advertise in the half of the newspaper that only around a fifth of the union’s members are capable of reading.

And that’s the crux of the matter: comprehensibility. Ultimately, the aim of journalism is to communicate, and to communicate in such a manner as to be understood by the majority of the intended readership.

If a tabloid columnist were to start using vocabulary borrowed from the Will Self Book of Big Words, he would probably communicate just as well, but completely baffle a target audience of brickies and binmen.

Common Tongue I could start writing this column the way Aa talk when a gan doon the pub back hyem forra broon ale with me auld marras, Aa reckon it’s a canny bet that a few of ye divvn’t knaa what Aa’m taalkin aboot now though but. Nor do I think for a second that I’d have a column any more if I ever tried to do that.

Before the preceding paragraph is disregarded as the drivel of a common northerner, and the letters saying so come rushing in, let me point out that the Old Northumbrian dialect only just failed to achieve status as an official EU minority language, alongside Cornish and Ulster Scots.

The point is that, unless Jimmy and Sir Bobby jump out of the top of the page to have a quick read, very few people are going to have a clue as to the content.

We must cater for the majority – after all, that’s how democracy is supposed to work – and the sad fact remains that in Wales only a quarter of the population speaks Cymraeg.

Admittedly this is as much to do with deliberate suppression by successive governments contemptuous of cultural diversity, disdainful of the Welsh language when it should be esteemed.

If the complaint against this newspaper is upheld, or maybe even if it isn’t, the best thing the editorial team can do is to pay a visit to the Amazon website and order ‘Teach Yourself Welsh’.

I have.

I

pity Maxine Carr. There, I’ve said it. It’s a good thing the only common ground shared by gair rhydd and the tabloid press is the similar page size, or I’d surely be out on my arse by now.

The poor woman was recently driven from the midlands village in which she was living, hounded by the press after an ‘outing’ by a local chap, probably the kind with more toes than brain cells.

Though commiting perjury related to an horiffic crime, all Carr did was to lie to protect Ian Huntley, the man she loved, and believed to be innocent. And after the event at that.

Maybe the rest of country ‘knew it was him’ because he ‘looked evil’, but perhaps Carr simply wasn’t born with such a special gift. ‘Simple’ being exactly the right word.

I normally wouldn’t approve of the employment of police protection for offenders - after all, why should they be afforded protection by a system that failed to protect their victims - but it seems to be necessary.

Britain has a national anger management problem, with the likes of Michael ‘politics of fear’ Howard successfully jumping on the Bandwagon of Prejudice (the diametric opposite of The Housemartins’ Caravan of Love).

Most worrying of all is the tendency for everything in the news to be taken as gospel by a public almost bereft of the capacity for independent thought. Take as an example the photographs of Iraqi prisoner abuse in the Mirror, which turned out to be simulated.

Satirical programmes such as The Day Today and Brass Eye may soon become irrelevant as elements of the media become a self-parody, at least to those having more than two neurons to rub together.

If there were a poll of the most commonly experienced emotion in this country, the winner would undoubtedly be Outrage.

Postal Vote Fraud! Outrage!

Immigrants! Outrage!

Outrage. Outrage. OUTRAGE! Ours is an hysterical, mediafuelled wannabe-vigilante society, where pitchfork-wielding witchhunts have found themselves a home in the modern day and animal justice, surely an oxymoron, is widely considered acceptable.

A society so prejudiced and fearful that a Newport paediatrician can be assaulted, mistaken for a child sex offender, and more recently a Mancunian gentleman beaten to death over unsubstantiated rumours of similar deviance.

And in this society of ravenous vultures, the likes of Maxine Carr are labelled as ‘sick’.

Now there’s irony.

Reply to columnist@gairrhydd.com

Interview

April 25 2005

Page 15

interviews@gairrhydd.com

Bell de jour

Armed only with her ‘White Suit’ question, Xandria Horton talks to Martin Bell about the his new book, being a journalist and politician and what it is about La Gaffe.

H

e has been referred to as a ‘reporter with attitude’ in Christine Hamilton’s recent book. His clipped reporting tone combined with a no-holds barred approach to both politics and journalism has won him both fans and foes. He’s seen 11 wars, run two election campaigns, and his recent book Through Gates of Fire: A Journey into World Disorder pulls no punches on the government and media alike. And he likes to wear a white suit. Journalism students take note.

It’s a family business, it seems. His grandfather was the news editor of The Observer in the 1920s, and before he died had sat down ‘a kid with a low boredom threshold’ and told him about the job. Martin’s father, Adrian Bell, was an author and also wrote the first ever Times Crossword puzzle, and his sister is the English translator of the Asterix cartoon. "We all work in words," he simply shrugs.

Fresh from university, the BBC was reluctantly expanding due to the threat of ITV. He spent two years on Look East, "probably the worst television programme that the BBC has made on a daily basis, mainly because of me."

He doesn’t elaborate.

From there was a progression to war correspondence, but Bell downplays it.

"Being a war reporter is just the person nearest to Heathrow when the war broke out. Provided you survive it, you don’t argue with the foreign editor or the crew, they’ll ask you again."

Does seeing everything that comes with the job make him appreciate life at home more or less? "More, absolutely," he nods earnestly.

"Coming back here, the things that moved people struck me as absolutely ridiculous. Planning permissions and village footpaths when cities were being destroyed."

So being hit by shrapnel in Sarajevo in 1992 didn’t make him waver? "It made me feel more – vulnerable. I went back and did the same darn things of course, but probably didn’t take quite the same risks." No kidding.

So, as one of the Rat Pack of journalism correspondents, including Jeremy Bowen, Michael Buerk and Kate Adie, does he still have any personal connections with them? "I’m very good friends with Kate," he smiles. "We dine regularly over there."

He points over the road to the Hampstead restaurant La Gaffe, his much reported hang out. When we arrived it had closed for lunch, giving him the opportunity to check out the Moroccan restaurant across from it for the first time. So what is it about La

Gaffe? "It’s like Cheers," he laughs.

"There is just this fantastic atmosphere. I’ve been going since 1964 when it first opened. I had my first wedding ceremony there, and I mean of two, and two of my book launches there." It’s also owned by a slightly eccentric Italian who doubles as a playwright, so taking anyone dramatically inclined can be a bad idea.

The Tour In talking to Martin Bell, you always seem on the line between joking and discussing serious issues at length, which appears to be the combination of earnest approach, weathered expression, and twinkling eye. So, in his recent talks around the country, what are the most interesting questions asked by the audience?

“There have been many... there’s always a white suit question.” He explains: "It’s not to do with morality but superstition. I had a white suit during the Croatian civil war that happened in the summer of 1991, which is probably the most dangerous war I’ve ever been in. We had no body armour.

I wore it again in Bosnia which was almost as dangerous. It keeps me alive in dangerous places."

So, what are his thoughts about the independent candidates to stand against Tony Blair at Sedgefield in the coming election? "I’m going to support Reg Keyes," he says, his low voice earnest. "No-one can accuse him of being ambitious or a professional politician. He lost one of two sons to a war which Kofi Annan had said was illegal. This is the great thing about democracy; that those who rule us are held to account and can be held to account at constituency level."

Does he think he started a political trend by standing as an independent candidate? "I think I made people aware that there was a possibility of an independent seat. Mine were special circumstances. Mind you, it was supposed to be the fourth safest Tory seat in the country. But things are possible now."

Politics So are people becoming more disillusioned with party politics? "I think so," he sighs, "and I think the war has got a lot to do with it. It was illegal, immoral, and under false pretences, and everybody knows it."

So far, the war has been conspicuous in the election campaigns only by its notable absence. It isn’t something that any of the parties seem willing to talk about, and yet it is what many

politicians are faced with on their doorstep campaigning. The war will no doubt play a big part in Tony Blair’s election. Who better to understand the atrocities of the wars we wage than an ex-war correspondent? Despite many anti-establishment soundbites to the contrary, it seems that this is where his venom is most directed – at the violence that we are being shown, more and more now through feeds shown by Al-Jazeera television.

"You’re not getting any authentic [war] reporting at all from Western journalism.”

"You’re not getting any authentic reporting at all from Western journalism.” There’s a controversial soundbite right there, I think, but he continues: “It’s so dangerous that [the journalists] live in a guarded compound in Baghdad. And all they can do is report on pictures from Iraqi television shot

by Iraqi cameramen and stand on a rooftop with a palm tree behind them.” His frustration is evident.

“We can’t do what we are trained to do, and I’m not criticising that, because it is so dangerous.

However, it’s become terribly inauthentic, and you don’t

really know what’s going on."

So what advice does he have for fledgling journalists? "Be patient," he smiles. "Never be cynical. The most important people in your life are your audience. And if you’re not interested they’re not going to be interested. If you’re doing Swansea town against Hartlepool, you have to care about the result because they are going to care about the result. At some point in people’s careers they say, ‘Oh no, not again’, and you deal with a lot of people who don’t want to talk to you, doors that don’t open."

His attacks on government and media alike do not in themselves suggest someone who has resisted cynicism. But he is making a stand, often incurring the backlash. Martin Bell is not an everyman.

His extraordinary careers aside, he dines in fancy restaurants, he cavorts with playwrights, and his wife rode her first race as a jockey the previous weekend.

However, because of, or perhaps in spite of these circumstances, he has the knowledge and guts to go against the grain, and to bring us a different point of view. Not every government critic has to be as abashed as Michael Moore. Martin Bell’s experiences can speak for themselves. Pay attention.

The curtains have not fallen on this story yet.

His book, Through Gates of Fire: A Journey into World Disorder is available now.

5 facts about Martin Bell 1. He was hit by shrapnel in Sarejevo in 1992 2. Since leaving both journalism and politics, he now works as a UNICEF ambassador, and has recently visited Sri Lanka. Another UNICEF ambassador who uses her celebrity for a good cause is Angelina Jolie.

3. For those critics of his entry into politics, he was allegedly supported by both of his ex-wives. Now that is some support.

4. The last time he did not wear a white suit was at Princess Diana’s funeral in 1997.

5. On his entry into journalism: “I got into it, and I’ll be quite frank about it, because the father of my exgirlfriend was the BBC’s news editor in Norwich.” The degree from Cambridge was just a good recommendation, then.

E V I S U EXCL Martin Bell: I can’t think of anything to say...

Political Opinion

Page 16

April 25 2005

politics@gairrhydd.com

STRAIGHT TALKING

Caroline Farwell tackles Welsh Lib Dem Leader on some of the key issues in the election THE FUTURE FOR IRAQ

LEMBIT ÖPIK: Leader of Welsh Lib Dems

TWO YEARS ON from the start of the war in Iraq and the situation is far from stable.

The Liberal Democrats were opposed to the 2003 invasion and their anti-war stance is playing a large role in winning the favour of disillusioned voters who previously supported Tony Blair. If elected, the Lib Dems plan to begin a phased withdrawal of troops by the end of the year.

But Iraq is still facing daily attacks from insurgents and its newly-established parliament remains weak and susceptible to corruption. Is the country ready for the phased withdrawal of allied forces? I asked Öpik if this strategy would be appropriate by the end of 2005 in view of the volatile situation persisting in Iraq: "Growing up in Northern Ireland I saw how hard it was to

oppress a terrorist movement by flooding the streets with soldiers. We can succeed with a phased withdrawal if we address the motives of the terrorists. This doesn’t mean agreeing with terrorism, but it does mean understanding their reasons." Öpik believes that the government has the wrong attitude to dealing with the Iraqi insurgents: "George Bush and Tony Blair are doing nothing to understand the motives of terrorism. It is like they want us to think that they are insane and it’s almost taboo to suggest that they have motives. But the fact is that terrorists are very driven and motivated people, they tend not to be insane."

Mr Öpik advocates a sensible exit strategy that

DRUGS ONE OF THE most controversial aspects to the Liberal Democrats’ stance on crime is their pledge to decriminalise personal cannabis use. For years the drugs debate has been the subject of immense political turmoil and remains a key issue for voters.

I asked him how he feels about the party’s calls to modernise the country’s drug laws: "Between 50 and 70 per cent of crime in this country is drugs-related. We believe that hard drug users should be treated as patients, not criminals.

"It’s not about being soft on cannabis users, it’s about recognising the social reality of widespread cannabis use in this country. The Lib Dems think that it’s a farce to have a law that cannot be enforced."

I then went on to asked how the party would ensure the difference between ‘decriminalising’ and ‘legalising’ a drug is understood and enforced within the community. Öpik said, "It’s not clever to make criminals out of otherwise law-abiding people. Few people are deterred from using the drug by the current cannabis laws.

"The government should recognise that unless they are going to have a police offer for every person in the country, people will find a way to smoke cannabis if they are determined enough to.

FAT BUD: Legalisation or decriminalisation?

"Instead it’s far better to warn people of the health risks and tell them of the drawbacks of using the drug."

"Of course cannabis has its drawbacks but we need to stop patronising people and wasting police time on something that isn’t enforceable." Öpik said that is was "illogical" for the government to turn a blind eye to things like smoking and alcohol that are causing more damage in society: "If the government really want to deal with the drugs that cause the most damage, then they should ban cigarettes which kill 120, 000 people a year and alcohol, which kills 30, 000 a year. But no one is talking about this."

He concluded, "The drugs debate is an issue that is jumped on by other political parties as a way to try and score points.

“Labour and the Conservatives are actually the softest parties on drugs because under these parties, hardcore drug use has increased massively.

"Statistics show that their policies just haven’t worked. For example, in 1973 there were just 2000 heroine users, and in the year 2000 there were 200, 000 users.

"No one can tell me that their policies work and unless they have a better idea then they should start thinking about ours.”

HIGHER EDUCATION WHEN QUESTIONED about the party’s proposals for higher education, Öpik said, "The big picture approach to the Liberal Democrat’s election manifesto is you get what you pay for".

This opening line seemed to capture the essence of the Liberal Democrats straight-forward and honest approach to higher education, but just how clear-cut is this message exactly?

At first Öpik’s words appear quite inconsistent in light of the party’s plans to abolish all tuition fees in favour of a fully state-funded university system. Surely, in order to "get" an education we should have to "pay" for an education? And if we are not paying, are we not getting a quality education?

But Öpik was keen to express exactly how his party plan to fulfil its commitment to eradicate all university tuition fees: "We feel it’s reasonable to charge a little bit more tax from people who are very rich, most of whom are graduates."

Referring to their policy that would raise the rate of income tax to

LAW AND ORDER THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS have been accused of taking a soft stance on crime.

Their opposition to the Anti-Social Behaviour Bill and their plans for cannabis decriminalisation have led to claims that a Lib Dem government would fail to provide a tough system of law enforcement and adequate punishment for criminals.

I asked Öpik how his party answer the concerns of voters who fear that Lib Dem policies would fail to crack down on crime: "Prison isn’t always about punishment. Instead, as a new party, the Liberal Democrats view the penal and legal system as a form of rehabilitation.

Charles Kennedy has stressed the importance of "tough liberalism" in the fight against crime, arguing that boosting rehabilitation doesn’t mean being soft on crime. But to the average voter, the term "tough liberalism" appears empty and tends to blur into a gulf of manifesto rhetoric.

I asked Öpik how "tough liberalism" would operate within the community on a practical level: "Crime isn’t a political football. Tough liberalism is about assessing each legal case and asking ourselves, ‘what will maximise the chances of this person being an asset to society?’ Quite often you will find that there are alternatives to prison."

also involves UN involvement and establishing a less provocative military presence in Iraq. He added, "If allied troops are seen to be abusing Iraqi prisoners then what kind of message does this send to the terrorists?

"I’m not defending the actions of terrorists, but we should be asking why they are acting like they are."

But is there really an opportunity to communicate in light of the ongoing violence?

"It is not possible without a consideration of their motives.

"We need to ask what exactly is causing themto act as they do. There are many possible reasons and the heat cannot be reduced without an attempt to understand their desperation.’

LIB DEMS: SOFT ON CRIME?

50 per cent for those earning over £100 000 a year, Mr Öpik said that those who benefit most from higher education (the country’s highest earners) would pay the most in their income tax.

Referring to tuition fees and topup fees as a "tax on learning," Öpik stressed how opening the gates to higher education could only be done by abolishing student fees altogether.

He added, "We are honest about what we need and how we will find the money to fund universities."

The Liberal Democrat campaign is keen to promote honesty as a central theme, but how do they plan on reassuring voters when they are the only main party to openly say that they will raise taxes?

While students would welcome a government that promises to abolish tuition fees, they remain sceptical towards glossy manifesto pledges that all-to-often miscarry.

When asked how the Liberal Democrats would uphold their costly commitment, he replied: "Our promise of abolishing tuition fees is sustainable because we say what we will spend and we explain exactly where we will get it from."

So what about the implications of widening access to universities?

Clearly higher education is not an elitist institution but how will graduates be able to distinguish themselves in the job market and ensure that their degree will not be devalued by proliferation? Öpik responded to this concern by saying that, "It is wrong to set artificial quotas that aim to get half of young people into further education.

Instead it’s about giving everyone an opportunity.

"It would be a delightful problem to have if too many people wanted to go to university. It is also a problem that a Liberal Democrat government would have to come to if and when it happens.”

Political Opinion

April 25 2005

Page 17

politics@gairrhydd.com

Election countdown: Party policy explained

With the general election on May 5, Andrew Mickel and Andrew Rennison take a look at some of the key party policies that are firing up the election debate

EDUCATION LABOUR The government promise parents greater say in schools, with all secondary schools becoming independent specialist schools. All secondary and 9,000 primary schools would be refurbished, and more money would go to after-school services. More than 200 inner-city academies would be opened by 2010.

Vocational diplomas would be available to 14-year-olds onwards, but only if they achieve a C grade in English and Maths GCSE; those who take the academic route can study university modules and produce dissertations to distinguish between the best.

CONSERVATIVES The Tories have centred their education policy on creating better local schools, with 600,000 new school places to boost choice; parents will be allowed to send their children to an independent school for the cost of state-funded educations. Pupils will get after-school sport funded by the National Lottery. Discipline is the big Tory education idea, aiming to spend £200m on Turnaround schools for disruptive pupils. Top-up fees would be replaced with grants and scholarships; loans would be charged at lower commercial interest rates.

PLAID CYMRU Education is a devolved issue in Wales. Plaid Cymru would fund expanded education through progressive taxation. They completely oppose top-up fees and are in favour of a fully state-funded system. Plaid Cymru would expand village schools in Wales and oppose closure.

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS The Lib Dems big aims are to reduce class sizes; increase teacher specialisation; and boost early years learning. It also aims to increase co-operation on the ground between colleges, businesses and local authorities. Universities would be encouraged to modularise their programmes to make it easier to combine academic together with vocational training. As one of their headline policies, the Lib Dems would abolish university fees, and introduce maintenance grants of £2,000 for the poorest, funded by higher taxes on the richest.

LABOUR The economy is the jewel in the Labour crown, with record lows in inflation and unemployment, and sustained growth. Government borrowing has grown sharply recently, but the government has—and insists that it will continue to—meet its golden rule of balancing spending and revenue. On the continuing council tax debate, it aims are a full tax property band revaluationeffectively working out how much each house is worth, and changing how much they charge people accordingly. Also aims to ease regulation on business by cutting the number of regulatory bodies, and have an aim to achieve full employment in every region and nation by 2010.

CONSERVATIVES The Tories are becoming less timid about trumpeting their economic planning in the nineties which they claim paved the way for Gordon Brown’s success. Overall, they aim to stick to Labour’s spending plans, but ultimately slightly slow down the rate of spend. In all, the Tories think they can save £12bn more than the government do, although both would have a hard time finding so much ‘waste’. They plan to scrap the council tax revaluation, as it will cost £100m; and to halve council tax bills for the over-65s.

ENVIRONMENT CONSERVATIVES The environment makes up only a small part of the Conservative manifesto. Of the promises they do make, they vow to promote recycling and domestic energy efficiency. They also encourage development of brownfield sites – those already built upon – rather than greenbelt areas. Criticisms have been made by the Conservatives of government-approved building upon Greenbelt sites, though Labour insists that brownfields are also being utilised.

PLAID CYMRU Plaid Cymru’s e nv i r o n m e n t a l policy is centred on sustainability. They propose more use of renewable energy such as wind power. The development of alternative fuels such as hydrogen is listed as a priority, and sustainability in industry – particularly in fishing – is also high on their agenda.

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS Each section of the Liberal Democrats’ manifesto includes a paragraph on ‘Green Action’. They pledge that children will learn more about the environment. Regarding energy, the Lib Dems suggest various tax incentives, and pledge to make 20 per cent of our power renewable by 2020.

LABOUR Labour are to target issues such as littering, noise pollution and recycling if re-elected, pledging to extend collection of recyclable materials to all homes by 2010. And in a drive for energyefficiency, Labour plan to have all government-funded housing meet a new ‘Code for Sustainable Buildings’, whilst encouraging councils to introduce similar criteria for private homes.

ECONOMY LIBERAL DEMOCRATS The economy tends to be a weak point for the Lib Dems, but they have very forcibly placed tax rises at the forefront of their campaign. A 50% tax rate would be introduced for anyone earning over £100,000. In their most trumpeted policy, council tax would be replaced by local income tax, under a claim that the average household will be £450 better off; the non-average household varies considerably. Also, the proposed Welsh Parliament would have a referendum on tax-raising powers.

INDUSTRY: Fuelling pollution problems

IMMIGRATION CONSERVATIVES Security is a focus for the Conservatives: they pledge to increase border surveillance, establish a ‘Border Control Police’, and pull out of the 1951 Geneva Convention. The Tories put forward a points-based system for work permits and they plan to limit the number of immigrant workers and asylum seekers. They want to process asylum applications outside of Britain.

MONEY MATTERS: Conflict over spending

PLAID CYMRU Ecomony is not a devolved issue in Wales. The Plaid Cymru would ensure Wales qualifies for more EU regional funding from 2007. The calla for a greater spread of economic prosperity and want more support for the manufacturing industry.

LABOUR Labour’s manifesto emphasises the economic importance of immigrants to the UK. Labour pledge to introduce English language tests for permanent applicants, to crackdown on abuses of the system including fining employers of illegal immigrants, and to introduce a points system for accepting foreign workers. In a third term, Labour would seek to introduce biometric identity documents and eventually ID cards.

PLAID CYMRU Plaid Cymru don’t have specific immigration policies, as the issue is not devolved to the Welsh assembly. They are against immigrant quotas and support refugees fleeing persecution. They also call for a clampdown on the abuse of migrant workers.

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS The Liberal Democrats pledge to work with businesses and the public services to decide on the numbers of work permits offered to immigrants. They pledge to stop asylum seekers becoming dependent on benefit, and want to work with EU countries to ensure the UK admits a fair share of refugees.

Editorial & Opinion

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April 25 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd

FREE WORD NHS Problems BRITAIN’S PROBLEMS with the NHS have been well documented in the media and have become a major political issue in the General Election.

But the problems are not just at a national level and do not just concern patients; they filter down to almost the bottom rung of the ladder – medical students.

Our front page this week highlights some of the many problems facing medics during the five years they spend qualifying to become a doctor.

One example is the lack of lockers to store personal belongings at the Heath hospital. This in itself may seem like a small issue, but having no lockers means students have to leave their possessions in insecure places where they have a good chance of being stolen.

This is before you consider that hospitals are meant to be sterile areas, so carrying around items that have been into contact with germs outside heightens the risk of infections.

This is a very simple provision that other hospitals can manage but is not present at the Heath.

Grievances The list of grievances continues: high transport costs that are difficult to claim back, lack of adequate teaching, no bleep alarms, no swipe cards for areas students need to access.

The amount of medical students gair rhydd has spoken to suggest these are not isolated complaints from one or two students but evidence of more systematic problems across the system.

Is it any wonder the NHS is in such crisis when students who have not yet qualified to become doctors are so disillusioned with the system they’ve considered quitting before they’ve graduated?

In fairness to the university the majority of these complaints are either problems they have inherited postmerger or are issues that require assistance and co-operation from NHS Trusts and, for some issues, the Welsh Assembly.

These issues are also, in part, down to the fact that the University of Wales Hospital, Cardiff, is probably the biggest and busiest hospital in Wales, which is as much a problem with the state of the NHS as anything.

It is a tangled web of responsibility and it would be grossly unfair to solely blame the university for all of these problems, but nevertheless the problems are there and need to be tackled.

All gair rhydd and the medical students ask is for a fair deal in raising the facilities above the sub-standard level they currently reside and we will continue to highlight the problem until we see results.

If this means cutting through the bureaucracy that exists for something to get done then so be it – the doctors of tomorrow deserve better.

The wake up to the west

By Lindsay Gowlett

T

he wrath of Mother Nature striking out after centuries of being raped by Her ungrateful infidel children to whom she spawned existence was the wake up call the west has needed to recognise the consequences of our actions and reconnect with the rest of humanity.

After the sobering experience of our insignificance we need to assess whether it has made any difference to our egocentric existence; for atrocities have occurred in the past, are occurring now and will continue to occur until we change.

Millions have been exterminated by a single European nation due to the whim of a madman; entire cities and their populations were melted into oblivion by bombs. Countries go to war without their people’s consent.

Governments refuse to recognise genocide in action if it doesn’t directly affect them.

Women around the world wash life’s essence from their wombs down public drains. Governments withhold water from their people for the benefit of capitalism through privatisation.

The screams of the millions dying from starvation and treatable diseases are deafening, yet unheard by the rich who standby and cavort in technological fortresses; whole continents plagued by disease are abandoned whilst the "sick" in hospitals deemed worthy of royalty spend on cosmetic refinements and the search for eternal

youth through pills and potions.

Our technological "advances" have given the world: poison gas, diseases born in labs, bombs that have contaminated the food and drink of entire continents. They have led to a detrimental effect upon the environment through the destruction of the Amazon rainforest, the ozone layer, the North Sea, beaches and rivers the world over, and the inhumane slaughter of animal species.

We are living in a Blake-esque Albion (a Great Britain that has fallen into a state of corrupt materialism and decay in modern times) whereby, the individual has become the central character in our society. Kindness and compassion are virtues which are as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican, and the pursuit of profit has been elevated to the "meaning of life" for many.

We’ve grown up in the bloodiest century, whereby, since 1945 there have been 250 major wars where 23 million people have been killed (10million of these deaths were children), but it’s not the soldiers or the politicians who make up this number for 90% of war victims are civilians.

For our eyes to be opened thousands have to die; and after a few weeks and a few quid in a collection tin the plight of the Third World drops from our television screens and consciences. We need to become consciously aware of our relationship with others and take responsibility for it, for without our playstations and technological "advancements" we are a Third World nation too.

Student Stereotypes urrently, Will, Tom, Alice, Vix and Chrissie can mostly be found huddled round a table at the back of the Redwood Café, working their way through the new range of fair trade coffees and herbal teas which have recently popped up about the place.

They can mostly be heard chatting about timetables, planners, guides, routines and techniques that are going to be put into action over the forthcoming weeks in preparation for their upcoming exams.

And they can mostly be seen carrying a bulk of papers, books, coloured pens, fluorescent highlighters, post-it notes and bags of ‘sweet treats’, all of which are vital to the workings of said plans.

But the one main thing, which you are certain to never find, is Will, Tom, Alice, Vix nor Chrissie actually revising.

Alice was the one behind the brainchild of the ‘revision group’, copying the idea from her housemate Mark, who, with his group of economic buddies has apparently been beavering away since Easter ‘they did a 10 til 4 the other day… so focused’. Without delay she’d founded her little gaggle of law students and promptly drew up a timetable of free shifts throughout the week with subjects needing to be covered and key modules.

Scared into realising how much

work they had to do, and how little time they had to do it in, the other four eagerly took to this idea, and after two and a half days they felt reassured by their total of nine hours spent hitting the books. Tom is particularly pleased by the fact that he can now truthfully tell his mum that his work is under way, and ‘going pretty well’.

In truth however, not even as much as a contract layout has been looked at, as instead of actually doing the work, the five of them find it much easier to sit and moan about the shear volume of information they have to learn, and the lack of time they’ve been given to learn it in.

‘I mean, how do they expect us to get through all of this by May… it’s ridiculous’, moans Chrissie as she leaves the table to go and buy another cup of Peppermint Tea, a boaster of energy levels, apparently.

They’re all getting stressed, so have decided it’s best not to over do it: they’ll take an hour off for lunch and make sure they’re done by 4.30.

Vix is fretting though. She’s utterly convinced that she has simply never seen a certain set of lecture handouts before, despite them being covered in her handwriting scrawl. A good hour was spent yesterday looking through her diary to see if she was away from uni that week.

Perhaps if they spent more time actually working, and less time working around the subject of working, then their group would be more worthy of its name?

and arrested the drunkard.

The chav brigade surrounding him take exception to this, and start to heckle our poor yet foolish policeman. Within 15 minutes, there’s a mob dozens strong, fired up on booze and ready to stick it to the man. The more police turn up, the more chavs turn up.

I could never criticise the majority of police for their actions; they take all kinds of crap night in night out and fair play to them. But I think that their mere presence is causing half the trouble.

Half of an evening’s anti-social behaviour seems to be down to coppers just being around, whether directly as with my example, or when even the possibility of a showdown with the old bill gives rise to violence.

The other half is mostly low-level

stupidity: couples having an argument that’s simply louder and more public than usual, guys pissing in the street because all inhibition has deserted them, and drunks hammering the pavement with a traffic cone because they are convinced the kerb insulted their missus.

Police time is valuable time, not time to spend sorting out irrelevant nuisances like those. Take coppers off the streets, give them a good night’s rest, and they’ll be fresh as a daisy the next morning ready to crack down on heroin smuggling and serial killers.

Oh, and as far as what then happens when occasionally there is a huge violent ruck at two in the morning? Well, frankly if a chav gets a well-deserved kicking, maybe he won’t do it again.

By James Emtage

C

Andrew Rennison’s

ROOM 101

W

ith this general election business gathering a full head of steam, the issue of binge-drinking has been making many a headline over the last couple of weeks.

And isn’t it great when you’re watching some report or documentary about anti-social behaviour and a CCTV video straight from St Mary’s Street inevitably appears on the screen. Alongside gun-ridden Nottingham, Cardiff has been established in the nation’s consciousness as the alcohol capital of the universe.

Fairly? Who cares.

Regardless of whether Cardiff deserves such a title, it’s there and all these politicians want to do something about it. But what could that be? A ban on booze? 24-hour pubs? An over-sized comedy parrot

called Les touring the country squawking ‘Don’t drink, eat crackers’?

No, all of those are rubbish ideas.

But the worst proposal of them all for solving this ‘booze culture’ is this one: more police. In fact, I proudly present the newest addition to Room 101: nightlife police.

It only occurred to me recently that this seemingly ridiculous idea was the answer. I was watching TV in my flat with friends – another antisocial behaviour documentary – when an incident just outside Lloyd’s bar in town came on.

After the customary high-fives all round for having been there the previous night, we watched as a drunken chav shouted abuse at a copper sitting in his police van. To show that naughty chav who was boss, our local bobby left his vehicle

April 25 2005

Editorial & Opinion

Page 19

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Pope on the ropes TV Manners is not impressed with the late Pope, Jean-Paul II, and the principles of the Vatican

A

h, the Pope. That sweet old man in the crisp white threads, hidden away in the depths of the Vatican. God’s own representative on earth; the voice of the Catholic religion across the world. Or c*nt if you read the TV Guide.

‘Blasphemy!’, ‘damn you!’ I hear you cry. ‘How can you mock the holiest man in the Catholic religion?’ The answer is simple: his purpose is out-

“It amazes me how the Pope managed to keep his dress so white with the amount of blood on his hands” dated, his ideals are outdated and prejudiced and he maintains an air of secrecy around him that even Lucifer would dream of aspiring to. Now, I know we have a new, ex-Hitler youth man as Pope, but my argument is still valid. In fact, I think it’s good that the new Pope is representing and providing the voice for a minority. Granted it’s a movement from Hitler’s regime,

blood on his hands.

So, where am I going with this? I haven’t even mentioned the fact that it took the Pope (not our Jean-Claude) years to accept the Holocaust had actually happened. Years before David Irving, the Pope was flying the flag. It seems that the Pope’s main purpose is to piss off and alienate as many different people as possible.

Well Mr Pope, here’s my moment of praise, you’re doing an excellent job of that.

Well done, may I shower you with all the mercy and love you have affectionately show to the rest of the world.

but as your Grandma always said, ‘it’s the thought that counts’.

So, the Pope; historically his role has been to suppress the heretics who didn’t agree with the (Catholic) interpretation of the bible. It’s that old chestnut of the Cathars in the twelfth and thirteenth centuries that gets me.

They disagreed with the wealth of the Church, so lived a life of poverty which people began to understand.

The Pope realised that they were undermining the power of the Church in the south of France and, God Forbid!, they allowed women to become priests (or Perfects in Catharspeak). Our good ole’ man-in-white launched a crusade against these Cathars and massacred every last one of them. It’s the love and mercy of the Pope I like so much.

I’m not even going to start on the Papal stance against homosexuals, contraception and abortion. For a man who learned how to love from the bearded guy two thousand years ago, the Pope hates a lot of people.

Africans seem to be particularly afflicted at the moment after the recently deceased ‘Jean-Claude II’ claimed condoms don’t stop the AIDs virus. The millions of people who had been using contraceptives in an attempt to halt the tide of the incurable disease suddenly stopped, and strangely enough, the number of people contracting it increased. It amazes me how the Pope managed to keep his dress so white with the amount of

“His purpose is outdated, his ideals are outdated” So I’ve come this far and haven’t even mentioned the after-dark hijinks of certain priests within the Catholic church but I fear a conclusion should be drawn. I can hear the henchmen of Opus Dei beating down the door as I type (oh yes, I’ve read The Da Vinci Code).

For now, you decide what you think about our good ole’ man-in-white, my opinion is one of many. I just hope that someday God places the Vatican firmly where it belongs: in a box next to Jean-Claude.

Wasn’t there a wedding?

By Sophie Robehmed

W

here were you? Come on; don’t be coy now. I am talking about the big event. The big event, that is, before Paula Radcliffe decided to take the female art of ‘hovering’ to the public stage when she pissed on a road in front of millions of people.

I think Camilla should do the same.

She needs to realise that pissing in a road is a wonderful icebreaker that should eloquently illustrate how ‘one is one with the people’ considering how she has always been oh so warmly received.

So the question I am proposing you all to ask yourselves is: where were you when Charles finally married his ongoing long-term love, the former Mrs Parker-Bowles? I’ll tell you where I was. I was working in a bank hall, completely oblivious that the wedding was all done and dusted by

the time that the last customer had verbally abused me because they really had spent all their savings 10 years ago.

I felt considerably ignorant when a colleague reminded me it was the ‘big day’. For me, the recent news of the Pope’s death was so significant that I had forgotten that their postponed wedding was actually going to take place. Normally, royal weddings are exciting. As I said that is the usual

reaction and tradition embraced by many. Yet it is notably characteristic of those insanely patriotic monarchists who frantically wave their flags at the camera, as they pose with gummy smiles and revel in the fact they’ve developed acute hypothermia and may never regain any feeling in their arse ever again. All because they have camped overnight to witness the event in the flesh.

I can understand the desire to

behave so abnormally for Charles and Princess Diana’s wedding maybe, but not on this occasion. Even the Queen looked like she had just caught a glimpse of another banal catchphraseinfested advert featuring Linda Barker on her television screen when she sat down to her daily helping of Countdown.

The wedding in short (according to my recollection of a brief news bulletin I watched) is that Camilla is still the same dowdy and horse-loving woman with awful teeth, yet her beautiful outfit partially compensated for that. (But I mean really, you would think she would get those gnashers sorted out for the new job).

Camilla is emerging as the Royal version of Judy Finnigan; her hands were shaking relentlessly whilst she held the order of service in St. George’s Chapel. It now comes to light, post-wedding day, that the newly appointed Duchess of Cornwall has backed out of her first solo engagement in sheer panic.

Charles will no doubt offer his support to his second wife that was not so available to his first. I understand the fear that Camilla must have; I don’t think even her biggest critic can underestimate how hard it must be being compared to the saintly Diana and consistently being portrayed as some kind of caricature villain in the national press.

The fact is, that despite the signs of goodwill shown by Princes’ William and Harry, honourably shown by decorating the newly married couple’s automobile, it must be particularly hard for them as it is for many alike to accept Camilla.

Charles’ second bride must realise her responsibilities and reach even higher expectations if she is to even slightly impress the countless sceptics she faces.

Camilla has made her bed so it is about time she lie in it. And yes, perish the thought as much as visualising your parents having sex, but she must lie in that bed with Charles.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 20

April 25 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Lights, Camera, Election A political sketch by Dan Ridler

W

hat an interesting few weeks for politics. Tony Blair took time out from his election non-campaign trail and finally confirmed the election before continuing on his new never before seen campaign trail From there on all hell has broken loose.

The Conservatives launched their policies by instantly offending all NHS hygiene staff while the Lib Dems continued to support the downgrading of cannabis by clearly smoking it whilst devising their campaign policies - ‘free higher education?

Yeah man, s’all good shit.’

And the accusations! The Tories have accused Labour of a black hole in their finances, Labour have accused the Tories of a hole in theirs and intimations were made that Charles Kennedy might not be able to count to ten. A Tory candidate has been thoroughly told off by Labour for printing pictures of, and thereby making people look at, Anne Widdecombe, and the Lib Dems have, er, also done stuff, in between sleeps, therapy sessions and kumbye-yah guitar sing-a-longs.

Amongst all of this, two weeks ago there was confusion and several tense minutes at Labour HQ when the tragic news broke that a great anti-communist religious cult icon had died but it soon transpired that Tony was fine. The Labour PR team flopped into action and immediately set about blaming the Pope’s death on Tory tax and spend policies, but the blue team were one step ahead. They’d already figured it out and accused MRSA-

carrying asylum-seeking gypsy types of taking diseases to the Vatican and immediately called for the closure of all ports before swiftly realising they could only raise enough police to close a small fishing village in Pembrokeshire.

Labour have been promising their little right-wing hearts out on pledges for more votes from the old, young and middle aged by giving them concessions but simultaneously denying tax hikes. No wonder they’ve been supporting their immigration policy after all, if they don’t have poor foreign types arriving, who can they sell

“Intimations were made that Kennedy might not be able to count to ten” to bribe, sorry, redristribute resources to, the needy poor? The Tories have promised tax cuts but without a loss in public services, except that we might have to pay quite a lot to get within 200 miles of a hospital. Then again, this could be for our safety since the Tories believe hospitals are so ridden with germs that they are best avoided by the weak and sick.

The Liberals have wholeheartedly promised tax rises to take the money

off those who earned it through hard labour in the factories to give it to a bunch of piss-headed kids at university so they can buy designer trainers.

Bitter inter-party rivalries have shown through too - Labour have stressed that we mustn’t vote Tory because they might cause the country to come to a standstill, spend all the cash reserves and forget how to multiply by 2 in the style of the Labour government in the 1970s. The Tories have stressed we mustn’t vote Labour because they’re a bunch of spin doctoring, lying, privatising hypocrites like the Tories in the 1980s. And the Liberal Democrats would prefer it if you didn’t vote for them at all because then they’d have to do some sums and rewrite their manifesto which would really spoil their daydream.

Not to leave the minority groups out, the Green Party recently confirmed their position by saying that they are definitely not a single issue sideline party and a wasted vote, and urge people to waste their votes on their sidelined single issue, whilst the Loonies have successfully drawn up the design for a 99p coin and conducted a feasibility study to cobble the M25. The BNP have stated that they look forward to the future merger with the Tory party and UKIP support the Loonies’ position to force Europe to join the pound as a Eurosceptic compromise on the Euro issue.

Certainly this is going to be a great election for all of those who never watch the news. Score for journalism students!

TO SEE MORE ON THE CANDIDATES IN THE CARDIFF AREA AND TO READ THEIR MANIFESTOS VISIT THE PARTY WEBSITES

Country sees Rover put down

By Geordie

T

he Pope wasn’t the only relic of another era to pass away while we were devouring our Easter eggs. Former giant of the motor industry, Rover, collapsed upon itself. Again.

Whether the car company will be resurrected successfully remains to be seen. The badge and rights to the name have been bought by a company in China, where of course labour is cheap.

Oddly, this was the source of many of the complaints over the lack of governmental intervention.

Apparently it’s not a problem that other British marques Jaguar and Aston Martin are owned by Ford, an

American company, but God forbid we allow Rover to be taken over by China.

Of course the government didn’t come to the rescue. They can’t act as saviour to every company that gets itself into dire financial straits, even if it will result in mass unemployment and loss of pride in British manufacting. Not that there’s much of that left anyway.

They could have effectively ‘bought’ the constituencies in which Rover do their business by lending a hand, but that’s beneath even our government.

Ultimately in business, it’s every man for himself, and Rover once again

found themselves unable to compete.

While the constant sneering aimed at the company by Jeremy Clarkson may not have helped their sales, they’ve been doomed for a long time and successive new owners haven’t helped.

The last ownership, MG-Rover, was a bizarre combination. MGs are driven by hairdressers and teachers.

Rovers, traditionally, are a (pretty bloody poor) substitute for a Jag or BMW. Thus there was an inherent dichotomy within the company: it was neither nowt nor summat.

Under its previous incarnation as part of BMW, you could have, well, just bought a BMW. Or a Ford, for

those with a lower budget. They’re better anyway, and the price difference wasn’t unreasonable.

So with their lack of any sort of selling power or advantages to owning a Rover, the company has been the architect of its own downfall. As such it doesn’t deserve any help, even if it was possible.

It’s unfortunate for those who will be left unemployed by the closure, but they’re not alone - much of British light industry is in decline, and Rover would more than likely have moved abroad for cheap work before too long anyway.

For those determined to buy British, we still have Lotus and TVR.

NUS

April 25 2005

Page 21

gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com

Fear and loathing at NUS

Ever wondered what goes on at an NUS conference? We sent Gary Andrews to Blackpool to attempt to make sense of it all

Q

uestion: which of the following words and statements sum up the annual National Union of Students conference best? Reform-driven, petty-minded, interesting, dull, inspiring, irritating, important, irrelevant, a massive boost for students' needs or completely out of touch with grassroots?

The answer, of course, is all of the above. The National Conference is a baffling contradiction that covers the very best and worst of politics at a lower level and leaves anybody yet to experience it completely confused.

This may seem a strange concept, but it becomes painfully obvious from the first moment you step inside Blackpool's Winter Gardens. Hanging around in the foyer are a group of Labour students, happy to bound up and tell you what a wonderful job they would do if they were elected. They all look and speak like archetypal New Labour MPs. Behind them stand the Socialist students, who shout out things like: "Boo, hiss, evil Labour," from the relative safety of a few metres. Labour shout back and a minipantomime develops.

But the large numbers from political parties present only becomes apparent when you reach the conference floor.

There are people everywhere wearing T-shirts representing various political factions. There are half a dozen different socialist and far-left societies, Labour, Conservative, and many other factions with unfathomable acronyms.

The Lib-Dems, oddly, aren’t around.

But for all the heckling, and delay-

ing tactics employed by the assorted factions, the first day of conference flies by very quickly. Some very strong and important motions are passed. A vote is carried on investigating and trialing an extra discount card for £10..

After minor bickering it passes.

Other issues to be passed include a resolution ensuring postgraduate students have more of a voice within their unions, support for the Keep Wednesday Afternoons Free campaign and a lobby of the government over course closures at assorted universities around the country. Things are being dealt with quickly and efficiently, bar the odd debate that gets caught up in petty arguments. These motions will have a direct effect on students, which is exactly what the national body should be doing.

There's a mood of optimism that carries onto the informal Presidential hustings at 11pm that evening. There are four candidates: Dan Chilcott, who is running for every position under the banner of egomaniacal, coup-plotting despot dictator; Suzie Wylie, a passionate, if humourless socialist and Michael Champion, a hilariously sozzled Tory who clearly doesn't want the job and knows he's going to lose. He revels in offending people with every answer and has clearly missed his calling as a stand-up comedian.

The star of the show, however, is Kat Fletcher, the current President. She's a fiery public speaker in the best tradition of left-leaning northern politicians. She makes her points clearer and more succinctly than anybody else and is incredibly popular with the

RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT: Kat Fletcher with NUS Northern Ireland Conveynor Damien Kavanagh majority of ordinary members. It's telling that Labour hasn’t put a candidate up against her.

Elections At elections the next day it's pretty clear Fletcher will get in, which she duly does by a massive majority. But the surprise occurs with the rest of the full-time positions. One by one the independent candidates are getting in.

Secretary falls to Gemma Tumelty, a Fletcher supporter, Treasurer to Joe Rukin, a truly independent candidate.

Incumbent Welfare officer Helen Symonds (Labour), widely seen as a safe bet for re-election falls to Veronica King, who was practically unheard of two months ago. There is an incredible sense of optimism floating

around the hall. For the first time there are no political factions running the NUS. It is now truly independent in every sense of the word and a lot of student officers are getting very excited. This is the shot in the arm that NUS needed. And then conference starts to go downhill rapidly.

It's difficult to pinpoint why exactly the descent into chaos begins, although the hacked-off factions would be a good bet, but it's easy to say where: a debate on sexual health.

On the face of it, this seems relatively straightforward amendment about the rise of STIs and sex education that nobody in their right mind would oppose. But there's a catch.

There are a couple of paragraphs on abortion and pretty soon we've got a heated pro-life debate which, while important and interesting in places, misses the point of the amendment completely and exposes NUS bureaucracy at its worst.

In any motion of amendment there are at least two speeches for and against the motion, assuming somebody wants to speak on this. After this any delegate can put in a request for an extra round of speeches, which the floor has to vote on. This can go on ad infinitum, and usually does, until somebody puts in a procedure to get on with it. The Conference then votes on whether they want to hear speeches for or against why we should stop having speeches. If somebody requests to remove parts from the amendment then there are even more speeches.

If this sounds dull and bewildering on paper, it's a lot worse for those present. The debate on abortion took this form and lasted an hour and a half, with a short break in the middle when the conference was suspended after a mother storms onto the conference floor with her two-week old baby to protest about breastfeeding.

When a vote on the parts finally took place, half the NUS executive committee tried to walk out in protest, except because the doors were sealed they ended up staying in the toilets until the recount was finally settled.

Given that by this stage I'd completely lost track of what exactly we were voting on, who was for and who was

against, and what exactly those walking out were protesting against, it all seemed futile. The net and direct benefit to students could be summed up in two words: bugger all.

After this, things never really recovered. Nothing was achieved, bar timewasting, and the whole process became trying, petty, tedious, nasty and unhelpful. Having lost the elections, the factions turned ugly and were doing their best to sabotage votes. Any semblance of sensible motions that would benefit students got lost in delaying tactics and heckling.

If any ordinary student was plucked off the street and made to sit through proceedings, I have no idea what they’d make of the behaviour of the NUS executive committee. As the day wore on the debate became less and less relevant and more and more petty. Many delegates take the sensible option– leave early to get drunk.

By day three any pretence that anything useful is going to be debated or voted on has disappeared as the conference descends further into farce.

Everything was due to finish at two o'clock, but there's still emergency motions, elections for part-time executive members, financial estimates and one last motion to get through. The latter will be an obvious casualty.

Three people resigned over alleged anti-Semitic material and are immediately decried for political opportunism by all sorts of factions. It is announced that the part-time elections won't be counted for another two weeks because there aren't enough people present.

Everybody starts blaming everybody else. Somebody is giving a speech without conference voting.

Somebody else tries to storm the stage.

Any pretence of politeness is abandoned as people start openly swearing at speakers.

As I leave I chat to a few conference regulars who inform me that this has been one of the better conferences in recent years.

I dread to think what some of the others were like. I’m needing some seriously strong painkillers for the headache I’ve developed watching this circus show, and some gum for the sour taste left in my mouth.

Health

Page 22

25 April 2005

health@gairrhydd.com

A Pintless Existence

By Kristin Farris and Kaisa Pankakoski

Health Contributors

D

AVID BERRY, a law and politics second year, can’t taste the difference between sauerkraut and an after dinner mint.

"It was my friend's 18th, so we all got very drunk. I'd had about 15 double vodkas and I don't actually remember 100 percent of what happened. I fell about two stories off a balcony at a nightclub and landed on my head.

"I was unconscious for quite a long time. I went into a coma briefly and I completely changed when I was at the hospital. I went quite aggressive. I sort of attacked a nurse. It was all to do

with the head injury," David said.

"And now I still can’t smell or taste, at all. It has been close to two years.”

Britain is well known for its drinking culture and, while frequent heavy drinking is linked to an increased risk of cirrhosis of the liver, cancer, fertility problems, impotence, and mental health problems, even one binge can lead to more than just a bad hangover.

A recent study has indicated that Britain's youth are among the heaviest drinking young people in Europe.

According to the Office for National Statistics, among people aged 16 to 24 in Britain, 36% of men, and 27% of women, binge-drink at least once a week. (Binge-drinking is defined as more than eight drinks in a day for men, six for women).

David considered himself a heavy drinker before his accident. He still drinks but makes an effort to set limits.

"I make a point to have a threshold for myself because I never used to have that. I now say, ‘I’ll have six pints tonight’ and I’ll try to stick to that."

With such a prevalent drinking culture in both the United Kingdom and universities, even students who consider themselves light drinkers find it difficult to avoid drinking.

"I found it hard not to drink, well not so much hard, but annoying that I couldn't because there were so many opportunities,” said one student who gave up alcohol for Lent.

“At least once a week without fail there was the chance to drink, whether it was just going out, birthdays where we'd go out for a meal and I'd normally drink wine or house parties with very impressive bars. The amount of opportunities there were to drink just show how much alcohol is so ingrained in our culture" they added.

"I had a nickname of Frank the Tank," says David, "you get pigeonholed quite easily if you’re a bit of a mad drinker."

Hospital Seventy percent of emergency room patients between the hours of midnight and 5am are alcohol-related, and about one out of every 16 hospital admittances have causes related to alcohol.

Outside of hospital, Cardiff general practitioners (GPs) deal with a number of students that suffer from milder ailments, some not obviously associated with the after-effects of alcohol.

"There are a great deal of young people who come to the surgery (with alcohol-related problems)," said one Cardiff doctor.

"People come to get help with difficulties in sleeping, depression or anxiety. Injuries are common, such as falling over or sprained ankles, all kinds of accidents really, caused by alcohol and drunken behaviour. In my opinion the problem is that students never have enough time to relax as they either study or then on free time go drinking, which is not good for your mental health."

It is estimated that around seven percent of Britain's adult population are dependent on alcohol. A study by the Priory Group, a health care provider, found 23% of UK adults have a drink to cheer up when they are feeling down and 14% use alcohol to psych themselves up before work or going out.

"Sometimes I get really depressed after drinking. And the ‘moral morning after’ I feel really bad about the things I did the night before so that I just can’t get out of bed the next day, even for

class," said one student who wished to remain anonymous.

A drink or few to help de-stress at the end of the day is also a common practice that, for many students, both goes, and conflicts with, their course of study.

"My last class of the day will quite often adjourn to the pub, sometimes with the lecturer, and sometimes it’s the lecturer’s idea," said Kris, a postgraduate student. "And if it ends up being a really good night, a bunch of people won't make it to class the next morning."

Workers who drink take four times as many days off work as other employees, according to Drinksense, a charity organisation that deals with alcohol awareness. And not only does alcohol bear a personal cost for the hungover, and their employers, drinking puts a burden on tax payers as well.

Alcohol abuse is estimated to cost the National Health Service around £1.7 billion per year. With lost productivity such as missing work or poor performance, alcohol is estimated to cost the UK economy £20.1 billion each year. That is more money than Britons spend in pubs every year.

According to the Institute of Alcohol Studies, alcohol is responsible for 3.27% of deaths worldwide. In fact, more people die every year from alcohol-related problems than die in motor vehicle accident.

"You want to have a laugh and be one of the lads, but it’s your own safety at the end of the day," said David.

"Alcohol is your best friend and it’s your worst enemy."

If you are suffering, or are concerned about alcohol related health problems, then contact your local GP or the university’s health centre.

Drinking Diaries Aimée, 20 Law I fell off the stage in Jongleurs night club and broke my arm.

I had to be taken to hospital and was so drunk I was sick all over.

Alberto, 26 Multimedia We went to a party and after a few drinks we realised that one of my friends went into a deep coma because of the alcohol. We took him to the hospital and then the doctors were blaming us for our friend’s behaviour.

Andy, 22 MEng Civil I started a boozy night including lager, wine and vodka in Cardiff and woke up in Port Talbot. I had no idea who with or how I got there and have no memory of the night.

I had to ask a taxi where I was and take me home.

Lucy, 20 Law I got so drunk on my 18th, I passed out on the toilet the next day. I was taken to hospital that evening. I had been glassed; my drink had been spiked.

Health in brief

Race for life by Rhian Thomas LOOKING FOR something to do this summer, when you’re not desperately trying to clear your overdraft? Why not spend a day with up to 12,000 women raising money to beat cancer?

Cancer Research UK’s annual ‘Race For Life’ is a female-only fundraiser, being held in Bute Park on May 8 and June 29.

The ‘Race for Life’, now in its 11th year, is a series of 162 fundraising walks or runs.

Since it began, ‘Race for Life’ has raised an incredible £70 million which has gone towards Cancer Research UK’s ongoing work to cure cancer faster. Last year in Cardiff alone, over 10,000 women raise £481,000.

Everyone has heard the statistics surrounding cancer; that one in three of us will develop the disease in our lifetime, and one in four will die as a result. As a result most people have been affected by the disease through friends and family, which is why taking part is so important.

Money raised for Cancer Research goes towards supporting over 3,000 scientists, doctors and nurses.

Annually, the charity spends more than £213 million, almost entirely through public donations.

So why not have a go at this summer’s ‘Race for Life’ and help Cancer Research UK to reach its Cardiff target of £540,000?

Sign up for one of the very limited spaces as an entrant or lend a hand as a volunteer at www.raceforlife.org or by calling 08705 134 314.

Did you know?

A Family Planning Clinic is held every Wednesday evening (5 – 7pm) during termtime, at the Health Centre 47 Park Place.

For advice on sexual health and contraception contact: Cardiff University Health Centre, 47 Park Place Tel: 02920 874810

Science

April 25 2005

Page 23

science@gairrhydd.com

That was the week that was Chris Matthews investigates the key events in this week’s science history

Monday Tuesday ON THIS day in 1990 the Hubble space telescope was launched by NASA. It was seven years late, $2 billion over budget and plagued with problems from the very start.

The primary mirror was flawed: it was too flat on one edge by 1/50th of the width of a single human hair which led to blurring of images and substantially reduced the telescope's ability to see distant stars or objects. It was not until 1993 that the problem was fixed, when a camera was added by a crew aboard the space shuttle Endeavour.

The mission was a success and allowed Hubble to capture the images it is so famous for today.

Its major successes include Eagle nebula images of stars being born and ‘Deep Field’ images in which Hubble peers back in time more than 10 billion years, revealling at least 1,500 galaxies at various stages of development.

The telescope has served physicists for 15 years but may soon be reaching the end of its life. NASA expects Hubble to be irreversibly damaged by 2007 and has only assigned $18 million of its 2005 budget for one final repair.

THIS DAY in 1986 saw the worst civil nuclear disaster in history. At a nuclear power plant near Chernobyl, Ukraine, 32 people died in an explosion resulting from a flawed experiment.

Many now think that the Chernobyl reactor was consciously driven into an extremely dangerous situation, whereby safety mechanisms were put out of action in an experiment to determine the effects of radioactive contamination. The true cause of the disaster may never be known but the world is still all too aware of the radioactive fallout that came as a result.

The radiation that escaped into the atmosphere, which was several times that produced by the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, was spread by the wind over Northern and Eastern Europe, contaminating millions of acres of forest and farmland.

An estimated 5,000 Soviet citizens eventually died from cancer and other radiation-induced illnesses, and millions more had their health adversely affected. In 2000, the last working reactors at Chernobyl were shut down, and the plant was officially closed.

Although Chernobyl is now closed down the stigma attached to nuclear power as a result of the disaster will remain for many years to come.

Wednesday Thursday APRIL 27 1999 saw the death of Mark Weiser, a visionary of a cutting edge technology known as ubiquitous computing.

He posited that there were three stages in the evolution of modern computers, the first being mainframes in offices, the second being home PCs and the third being ubiquitous computing.

The idea of ubiquitous computing built on Weiser's earlier research on human-computer interaction. He hoped to create a world in which people interacted with and used computers without thinking about them. Ultimately, computers would "vanish into the background, weaving themselves into the fabric of everyday life until they are indistinguishable from it."

He hoped that the integration of computers into everyday items such as coffee makers, refrigerators and vacuum cleaners would make them smarter, thus making people’s lives easier.

He saw the current interaction of people and computers staring at each other across a desk as uneasy, instead preferring to work towards a calm technology which recedes into the background of our lives.

Although Wieser never saw a working example of his work, his concept of computers integrating into homes is being fulfilled in this decade. Wireless networks and multiple PCs are becoming a normal part of many people’s lives.

IN 1999 Arthur Leonard Schawlow, the man responsible for the invention of the laser, died.

A physics professor at Stanford University, Schawlow picked up the nickname of ‘Laser Man’ because he gave a number of popular demonstrations of the new tool that he had helped to invent.

In one of his favourite demonstrations, he used a laser to shoot through a transparent balloon to pop a dark Mickey Mouse balloon inside - without damaging the outer balloon. This illustrated the laser's selectivity.

He won part of the Nobel Prize in 1981 for his work which eventually led to lasers being commonplace in our daily lives. We now take for granted CDs DVDs and recordable versions of these formats, but they are only possible thanks to Schawlow’s work.

Also on this day, it was not until 1986 that the Chernobyl disaster was finally admitted by the Russian government despite the far-reaching consequences of the catastrophe.

Finally, April 28 1953 the first overcoat for two people was patented. Designed for Siamese twins, the coat was invented by Howard Rossin.

Friday IN 1998 Brazil agreed to set aside around 250,000 square kilometres of the Amazon rainforest for conservation.

President Cardoso said his country, in cooperation with the World Bank and the World Wildlife Fund, would protect ten per-cent of its forests by the year 2000. The cost of the project, which would set aside an area the size of Britain, is estimated at $156 million, much of which will come from the World Bank.

Despite this agreement, the number of square kilometres of Amazonian forest destroyed annually has steadily increased since 1998 and now stands at half a million square kilometres per year.

Underlying the accelerated deforestation rates is an advancing agricultural frontier, population growth, and illegal logging by timber companies.

The illegal occupation and clearing and sale of land often occurs with the help of local politicians who falsify property titles.

The planting of soybeans is the fastest growing problem.

Large-scale landowners account for most of the damage, though millions of impoverished settlers also practise slash and burn for subsistence agriculture.

Science in brief Global cooling We’ve all heard that as global warming increases, the ice caps are melting and glaciers are shrinking. But how much of this is statistical manipulation?

Although there is irrefutable evidence of global warming due to higher greenhouse gas levels, more than 550 of the world’s glaciers are in fact growing.

As temperatures have been rising, so has evaporation of the oceans. This in turn gives rise to higher levels of precipitation in mountainous regions.

Maybe our main concern should be the affect of global warming on the world’s atmospheric currents and where they put that precipitation instead.

Smoking to your heart’s content Scientists at the University Hospital of Switzerland discovered that mice that are fed low doses of cannabis have lower rates of heart disease.

THC, the active ingredient in cannabis, binds to receptors in the

By Chris Brett Science Reporter

brain giving the drug its psychotropic effect. However it also binds to receptors on immune cells.

Swiss scientists then theorised that THC could therefore be used to reduce the clogging of arteries by reducing inflammation (the body’s response to a problem) associated with this process.

However, the findings do not show that smoking the drug will help as the mice required a low and very exact dose.

The real FA Cup result

WITH THE 2004 FA Cup Final having just been played, Andrea Collins and her team at Cardiff University have been looking at the energy consumed on the day.

She essentially set out to calculate the size of the "footprint" (the area of hypothetical land) needed to support the game, its players and fans. More than half of the land needed was for the transport used to get to and from the game.

However, the amount of food consumed on the day required the second largest area with waste disposal coming in third.

Page 24

Jobs & Money

25 April 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Energy conservation: Save yourself hundreds of pounds

By Carly O’Donnell Jobs and Money Editor

L

There are more efficient ways to power your home

ike most of us I can’t wait to go home for summer. Four months of nothing but sunshine and part-time work. Then of course there’s the parental perks.

Clean clothes, cash handouts and meals prepared when desired... what more can you ask for? Well there is a small price for these perks and it often comes at the expense of auditory freedom.

After a brief flurry of excitement to see ‘their little baby home again’ the moaning parent gene kicks in. All of a sudden you don’t eat properly, you use the place like a hotel, you have no respect and my personal favourite, you don’t appreciate how much power your laptop, television, CD player, DVD player, hair dryer and playstation use. Their inconsiderate attitude towards the essentials of life is truly unbelievable.

As I wander from room to room generating an electricity bill similar to that of a small African country, the non-stop bitching about those elusive "bills" seems nothing more than unnecessary noise pollution. if anything it encourages me to turn on more appliances.

Although I appreciate learning about the costs of gas, electricity and water can be fascinating the study of such basic necessitates has never really concerned me. And can our generation really be blamed for our energy complacancy? Hardly. I can recite stanzas from Shakespeare, tell you the that the capital of Kazakhstan is Astana and use triangles to work out lengths but I was never taught something as obvious as managing energy bills.

Farah Ahmed Postcards from the Real Worerldas aBymusic journalist or press

Realising that your first student house doesn’t come with utilites included can be an unwelcome shock. what comes as an even bigger shock is that your going to have to foot the bill for those ultitities yourself.

A simple search on the Internet for gas and electricity will generate scores of companies eager to secure the custom of the unwitting student. And let’s face it, who actually gives a crap who’s supplying the electricity as long as your straighteners work and you can watch EastEnders?

Like many students I signed up to the first company I found simply to be rid of the problem. It’s only when I heard the alarming "thud" through my letter box a few weeks later and a bill cunningly disguised as a yellow pages dropped through the door that I considered investigating further.

Actually sitting down and taking a good look at your utility bills could save your house hundreds of pounds a year. Check the unit prices and pay particular attention to the meter readings as this tells you how much energy you have been billed for.

Often the meter readings are estimated by the companies. Always check their reading against the reading on your meter or you could be overcharged. It may sound a tedious way to spend ten minutes but isn’t it better to donate your hard-earned loan money to Topshop or the Union than N Power or British Gas? Before we share some invaluable energy efficiency advice with you consider this…the British public wastes around £5 billion of energy every year. Who foots the bill?

Certainly not the energy companies so follow some of these tips to keep the cash in your pockets instead of theirs.

In the kitchen…

ted to pursue a care Before I came to University I wan n the lead singer guitar since the age of 11 and bee the ed play I’ve . stry indu ead of a steady officer in the Inst s. focu my n so music has always bee but still continand guitarist in a band since 16, ve, ucti allowed me to do something prod year our band job after sixth form I figured Uni first my In rse. cou flexible hours of the d from there balle ue with rehearsing because of the snow first single on a local label and it dhunted for a session on Radio hea g (now named Versus) put out our bein ding inclu round Cardiff then the UK, real success. In the third year ards with offers to play gigs in venues tow ible for the band to work poss ally ded actu was it that then One. I realised n because of the commitment nee year record deal, but turned it dow we were offered our first major fiveiff. to finish our degrees here at Card definitely not missing the study. m, Film and Broadcasting and am nalis Jour clerin 2:2 a with d uate Now I’ve grad of leisure time is nasty, from 9-5 until the band gets signed. The lack g ever y ucin prod and ing writ song But, I have to work now to survive, ls, arsa agency straight to all-night rehe us so that we’re ical work with a local temping Cooper Temple Clause, has harassed The p grou the r afte s look also ers. evening. Our manager, who care ic ideal way to be working on our mus now convined that this isn’t the occasional study. I’m sure at socialising, new opportunities, and of s term in t play new grea n bee has Studying here I want to continue to produce and use in the future. But right now, seem may it cult diffi ever how that nt some point the course will be of ks we’ve had so far. I’ve lear brea zing ation ama rmin the of dete t mos with the ieve songs, making are possible to ach ulating as creating a band, they to follow dreams that are as stim and commitment.

Ben James

■Keep lids on saucepan’s and turn down the heat as soon as they reach boiling point.

■ Put enough water in the kettle for the number of cups wanted and no more.

■ Avoid washing up under hot running water and watch out for dripping hot water taps.

■ Consider the term ‘fridge’ and ‘freezer’…pretty self-explanatory yes? Warm food was not intended to live there.

In the bathroom…

■ Ever had to wait hours for a housemate to get out of the bath? Play the guilt card and inform them that as well as making you late they have just used five times as much water as a shower.

■ Teeth brushing = good. Leaving the tap on while brushing = BAD. Don’t forget the value of closing the curtains. You never know who might see you in all your naked glory plus it keeps heat inside.

When changing suppliers, you need to have: ■ Previous address (if you have lived at the current address for less than 2 years) ■ Current electricity supplier, electricity supply number (this can be found on your bill) ■ Current gas supplier, meter point reference number (can also be found on your bill) ■ Payment method details ■ If you can’t find your electricity supply number or meter point reference number don’t panic, the new supplier will do it for you.

Useful websites www,ukpower.co.uk www.uswitch.com www.est.org.uk/myhome/ www.inlandrevenue.gov.uk

Students and tax

By Tom Scobie Jobs and Money Editor

S

tudents are normally short of a few bob or two and tax is just one other method in which they can loose it. Jobs and Money have compiled a list of tips and facts to help you understand better the evil machine that is the tax system.

If in part time work you may be taxed, everyone has a tax-free personal allowance and during the 2005/06 tax year you can earn up to £4,895 before your income is taxed.

Earnings above this amount are then taxed at 10% up to £6,985; 22% between £6,766 to £37,295; and at 40% on earnings over £37,296.

Students who work only during their holidays and do not expect to earn more than £4,895 should tell their employer to fill out the P38(S) form which will ensure their wages are paid gross.

This does not however apply to evening or part-time work outside normal holiday times, when students

are required to complete form P46.

The majority of students are also not required to pay National Insurance contributions, because their earnings are too low. To start paying taxes you have to earn over £94 a week.

Student loans along with a number of other forms of support are not taxable.

■ Student loans and grants ■ Contributions from parents ■ Most scholarships ■Most research awards Overall unless you have a high income you will not be taxed much, but remain vigilant there are still significant amounts to be saved.

Jobs & Money

April 25 2005

Page 25

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Tuition Fees: Higher or Lower?

By Tom Scobie Jobs and Money Editor For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Swydd/Job:

Work and Travel USA

USA At least minimum wage and + depending on positions TBC Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: June 1st – September/October Manylion/Details: IST Plus Work and Travel USA programme offers the opportunity to finance your summer holiday travels while experiencing true American culture in the way no tourist ever can!

Essential requirements: Full time university student returning to full time education in the autumn.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 120 Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage:

You don’t want to be writing too many of these

C

ardiff Central is the smallest, most urban of all Welsh constituencies and has the highest student vote in Wales. It also has the highest proportion of ethnic minority residents and the most service sector employees of any Welsh constituency.

It includes prosperous Cyncoed and Penylan and the working-class terraces of Adamsdown and Cathays and houses Cardiff University, with its roll-call of 22,000 and three UWIC campuses. The student vote is crucial and the parties stance on tuition fees will play an important role in the constituency.

Labour

Labour have said it is "committed to seeing more people have the opportunity of furthering their studies, especially students from low-income families." They added there would be no top-up fees in Wales before 2007 and that it would look at the conclusion of the Rees Commission on the outlook of student funding in Wales.

Lib Dems

The Welsh Liberal Democrats have pledged no tuition fees, no top-up fees and to make ‘university affordable for every student’. The party said a new tax rate of 50% on incomes

upwards of £100,000 would allow the abolition of all tuition fees. The Lib Dems added that grants would be extended to aid poorer students with maintenance costs.

The party added it would "ensure that no one will be denied the opportunity of a university education because of the fear of debt, while universities will receive improved funding."

Conservatives

The Welsh Conservatives have stated they plan to scrap all university tuition charges, including top-up fees, saying any introduction of top-up fees would make it more difficult for students from less well-off backgrounds to enter higher education. The Tories also pledged it would keep maintenance grants for poorer students and allow students to take out larger loans, helping them to avoid running up large credit card debts.

Plaid Cymru

Plaid Cymru is opposed to student tuition fees. The party said that education should be free and funded through general taxation. They added that it was ‘opposed to a system of loading students with massive debts’ adding it wanted a higher share of scientific research funding for Welsh Universities .

USA Camp Councellor & Support Staff USA Ardal/Area: Dependent on age and experiTal/Wage: ence Flexible Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Leaving between May 19th and June 30th Manylion/Details: Duties: Camp Counsellor: Instructor of an activity (sports, arts, life-guarding) and responsible for a group of children ranging from age 6 - 16.

Support Staff: Kitchen, maintenance, office based work.

Essential requirements: Over 18, enthusiasm, patience, fun, love of children, confidence, flexibility.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 122

Swydd/Job:

Part-time bar & resturant staff

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5.50p/hr Flexible ASAP The Townhouse club are looking for part-time bar and resturant staff for their private members club in the city centre.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

121

Swydd/Job:

Freewheel Host

Swydd/Job:

Austria/Switzerland £170 p/wk Flexible, Daytime Start-end of June/early June 4-8 weeks Manylion/Details: Hosts are required to provide information and support to guests, to meet them at airports and stations, transfer luggage and liase with hotels. You should have a mature outlook, speak proficient German or French, possess a full driving licence, have a pleasant personality and knowledge of bicycle maintenance.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 123 Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration:

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

News in brief Trade Union support The Scottish Trade Union Congress (STUC) has been giving out free trade union cards to university students in part-time work in Edinburgh. The STUC and the NUS fear students in work are under-represented and badly supported. The intention is to allow them to use employment support and legal services when required and hopefully get them to join a union once they have graduated. Currently, trade unions, universities and the NUS are looking into extending the scheme to other parts of the UK.

More money from lecturers Lecturers at the University of Central Lancashire have been asked to donate £1 a week or more to assist students

with the looming extra expense of top-up fees. The lecturers’ union NATFHE however called the idea "disgraceful, saying its members already supported students generously" and asked why lecturers were being targeted to help in funding and not the government.

Post-grad prospects A recent survey of university students which involved Cardiff University has found that two thirds of students graduating from leading UK universities believe there are not enough suitable jobs for them once they have graduated. This was up from 50% of students expecting to go into a graduate-level job in 1998. The survey also found a quarter of students were hoping to do postgraduate research.

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Media

Page 26

April 25 2005

media@gairrhydd.com

Get a head start now Offering your services for free is the best way to get experience. Media looks at different work experience positions that could help you stand out in that all important job interview...

By Celine Watson Media Correspondant

I

t didn’t take two weeks as a workie for FHM to realise that it has possibly the best office environment you could wish to be a part of.

Pool table, mini bike, electronic drum kit and other such diversions sit comfortably between the open plan desks. It is somewhat surreal to see the editor of the biggest selling lads’ magazine slowly skate past you on his way out of the office on a mini scooter. With such a relaxed atmosphere,

staff can happily use this guilt free amusement when ‘writer’s block’ occurs; or more often than not when they simply can’t be bothered to do any work.

During their time up in the old office, I was told how the staff used to play cricket all day in the corridors.

By five o’clock they finally realised they had work to do, so ended up having to go home at eleven. I presume they’ve now realised what a waste of time this was.

Other perks of the job are a 9.30 start, with not even a glance from the editor if you come in closer to ten.

Casual dress is always a bonus, some of the more ‘casual’ guys from the dot com desk looking like they just got out of a very dirty bed, whereas over on the fashion desk they display their superiority of taste to their less fashion conscious contemporaries.

As a student, one of the major advantages noted when working at FHM has to be the free beer. Five o’clock on every Friday afternoon has been turned into ‘Beer O’clock’. Free bottles of beer appear from the mini fridge permanently installed in the office, as well as delicious Marks and Spencer’s snacks, happily fetched and chosen by the workies.

Unfortunately, had I been there a week earlier I would have enjoyed the bonus experienced by staff when the editor hired out a pub to watch the

Euro 2004 England match, conveniently scheduled during working hours. And yes, you guessed it, all the drinks were free.

Not bad, eh? And I haven’t even mentioned about travelling around the world, meeting celebs, freebies and glamorous parties. Now, I bet you’re reading this thinking, ‘those lucky bastards, what did they do to deserve such a doss job?’

Getting the job There’s no magic answer except that most started by doing work experience there. These jobs aren’t handed out on a plate, and most of the time it’s not even about qualifications; it’s about being in the right place, at the right time, and doing some pretty shitty, menial jobs for no money and little recognition.

I was there for two weeks, and to give you an insight to the tedious jobs you’re expected to do, I’ll give you an idea of what I was asked to do. But two weeks there means nothing, it really won’t lead to much. You’re not the only workie helping on an issue; there are two for every two week slots, which, obviously, ends up as four workies per issue. And, most of all, you don’t get to write anything.

The now fashion editor did months of work experience for a minimum wage, having to work every night in a pub afterwards to survive. He was stuck in the fashion cupboard most days sorting out clothes, until he finally got the job as fashion assistant, and then worked his way up.

But don’t feel any sympathy: he now flies all over the world on all expenses paid fashion shoots, recently having covered Thailand and Brazil to name just two, as well as spending two weeks jetting around Paris, Milan, New York and such for the winter catwalks. Poor thing.

So, what exciting things are asked of you in such a fun office? Well, to begin with you have the morning task of handing out the post. Nothing too demanding. Except there is usually two sacks full, and when you don’t know anybody and only have a vague seating plan of the office it can take a bit of time. Try an hour-between two of us! Luckily we were able to cut it down to twenty minutes on our own by the last few days.

And work experience wouldn’t be work experience if you weren’t expected to make the tea. I could still rattle off who has what and how many sugars I did it so often!

Oh the fun!

These two jobs are the only allocated things to do for the two weeks.

Everything else is what either people don’t want to do, what you’ve begged

to do (but not too strongly as it is recommended not to piss-off wanted future employers) and what has been scraped together because there is absolutely nothing resolutely interesting to do, but you can’t face an afternoon just sitting.

For example, I spent half a day tidying up the art director’s book shelves, nicely putting issues of every conceivable magazine and illustrators into order. Not very fun. And that’s not including spending two days inputting data, phoning endless PRs and, no cliché intended, tidying up the stationary cupboard.

One plus that I didn’t mention before was the fact that the office is just off Oxford St. which gives you the whole of central London at your feet.

GOOD TIMES: Beer ‘o’ clock One Friday the two of us were allowed to run around it with twenty quid each in our pockets. The only catch was that we had to spend it on copies of the FHM High Street Honey’s single about to enter the charts. And hopefully after us buying it in as many different record shops possible in two hours we’d get it to a higher position in the charts. All in aid of charity of course, nothing to do with the huge amount of publicity and profit.

So at the end of the day, it’s not always as glamourous as you’d expect.

It’s not even always about getting there through pure talent; you have to go through some pretty crap stuff to show your commitment as well as being in the right place at the right time. And I can’t wait to join the crazy office again at Easter.

The single just missed the top ten if you’re wondering.

Media

April 25 2005

Page 27

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media@gairrhydd.com

Are you experienced

SWEATSHOP: The gair rhydd at 4 in the morning...

The world of advertising The old saying ‘It’s not what you know but who you know’ holds true to how I got my work experience at a small advertising agency just outside Manchester.

Just as I was psyching myself up for writing a mountain of letters and getting lots of rejections, I happened to mention that I wanted work experience to an old friend, who pointed out that he worked for an agency and could probably sort me out for a week.

As an English student who has tactically avoided modules with exams

for the last two years, I had a week off in the January exam period which I used to this end. The company I went to had nine employees, so all the departments worked very closely together and overlapped in ways that a larger agency wouldn’t be able to.

This meant that I was able to gain a good overview of the company, even though I was only there a short time. I spent the week shadowing different people from each area of the company: account executives, media executives and the studio.

The different roles are pretty much

Sky Sports News Over the past few years I’ve managed to blag a few weeks’ work experience at Sky Sports.

I’ve worked on two shows there – Soccer AM and Poker Millions, spending a full week on each. It was fascinating to see how a show develops during a week, particularly Soccer AM which goes out live on Saturday mornings. The starting point is the team meeting on a Tuesday morning where the basic format for the next show is discussed, the guests checked and ideas for jokes and sketches considered.

Despite spending most of the week as a token female in an office of men whose job it is to talk about football all the time, I was allowed to get really involved in the work that they were doing. As well as the usual making cups of tea and spending an afternoon sorting out wigs and chicken costumes, I was able to help out with the research side of things. Most of this was trawling through football clubs’ websites to find information for

Writing the P erfect CV

By Suzanne Farrell Media Correspondant as straight forward as they sound: Accounts speak to the client, ensuring their needs are met; Media decide which publications and forms of media will best suit campaigns and then buy ad space; and Creative do the artistic bits: visuals, strap lines and copy. Although this is the bit the public are most aware of, it soon became clear that the more ‘behind the scenes’ roles were equally important.

I don’t know exactly what I was expecting but, as with most jobs, there was a lot more paper pushing

By Laura Wooton Media Correspondant

lighthearted news items, and had to deal with press releases that Sky Sports received from news agencies and football authorities.

I was lucky enough to work on the show while it was being broadcast live on Saturday morning. The amount of preparation that goes into just one show is amazing, and for a show that starts at 9am, I was expected to be at the studios by 6am. The entire studio set has to be assembled from scratch every week with all the props in exactly the same place. The show went so quickly, probably because I was on my feet the entire time fetching bacon sandwiches and collecting guests from reception.

Being sent to get Meatloaf was a little bit daunting, and even more so when I actually saw the size of him.

The team were convinced that, being American, he’d have little interest in football so had planned to base his time around getting him to pick a team to support. However, once live on camera, he announced that he was

a huge fan of a third division team.

Suddenly the plan for the next few minutes of the show was worthless and the hosts had to completely change their questioning.

In comparison to a single three hour live show, Poker Millions was a whole week of filming followed by another week of editing before broadcasting the whole tournament over six weeks. My first morning was pretty scary; I suddenly had to have a crash course in poker before having to log the details of each game.

During the week two games were filmed each day, one at lunchtime and one in the afternoon. Because poker games can go on for hours we sometimes didn’t finish filming till 11pm after a 9am start. My experience at Sky certainly left me in no doubt over how much work goes into working in the media, but it also made me realise how much energy and passion people can put into their work, and is invaluable for anyone considering this kind of career.

■ Always type a CV, keep the font simple (ideally Times New Roman) and clear.

■ Make sure you include all of your contact details; phone number, address (Term and home).

■ Include all experience, and hig light any skills that can be made rel-

evant to the job you are applying for.

■ Keep it short and to the point.

■ At the end make it clear that references are available if required.

■ Finally take it to the careers advice centre at the university who will gladly check it for you.

Good Luck!

than I had hoped, even the creative department spent a lot of time just resizing adverts and doing fairly mundane tasks.

This was partly because, as a small agency, a lot of the work was for local companies with small budgets, the agency also pitched for larger accounts, and you could see that these were in many ways more exciting, certainly for the creatives.

However, as the more experienced employees explained, although larger agencies work with higher profile clients, this means that people are often restricted to one project and have little involvement with other areas of the agency.

They recommended working in smaller agencies to get a good

Live on Vibe FM Work experience can have its drawbacks. The biggest being the lack of pay not to mention the possibility that the most demanding task you’ll be trusted with is "tea; white, no sugar."

A few years ago I had some really successful work experience with Galaxy 101, now known by Welsh radio listeners as Vibe FM. I was originally taken onto an evening academy course that they were running which covered everything from programming and news to marketing and sales. I must have been lucky enough to make a good impression (or at least some good tea) because I was able to wangle myself onto a couple of weeks more work later in the year.

They started me off with some nice skivvy work; the most memorable being the entire redecoration of the office. Shifting desks and hanging curtains wasn’t part of the glamorous media career I’d envisaged but on the brightside it was commented I had remarkable potential as an interior decorator.

With persistence and patience I finally began to get involved with what was being put on-the-air (not just what was on the walls) and began learning all of the complex production that goes into making every sound we hear on the radio. I started editing songs for radio play and creating various Station ID’s and jingles before moving onto news production.

overview of the advertising industry.

The company had a relaxed atmosphere and a relatively young staff, but it was still very much a business and as such the focus was often on profit rather than creativity.

Although working in an agency was not as glamorous as I had imagined, it is certainly a creative and stimulating industry to be involved in.

I would recommend work experience to anyone interested in advertising, to see if the reality meets expectations before trying to enter this competitive industry.

Experience in a larger company may deal with more exciting companies, but a smaller agency has the advantage of being able to give you a good overview in a short time.

By Tony Broderick Media Correspondant Every morning I would have to search press releases and news feeds for the days biggest stories and edit them so that each one was told in only ten seconds.

I was sent onto the streets with a station microphone and an approachable smile to record vox-pops. These are oft-heard clips of the average person on the street saying what they think about the day’s events. One example was asking people how much money they intended to spend that approaching New Year’s Eve; one old woman had the pleasure telling me that it didn’t matter because the world was going to end that night.

That little gem of a clip got me on the Breakfast Show News the next day.

My time with Vibe FM wasn’t just a great learning experience but great fun too. I got to meet all the DJs and presenters that I’d been listening to for years while also having an occasional drink with them. Even though I may never choose to work in radio in later life I left Vibe FM with a better understanding of how a media company works realising the many options available to me in the media.

Never dismiss university, hospital or local radio as being a useful place to make contacts. At Vibe FM I made some great friends and recently one of them has been moved to Capital FM, arguably the biggest commercial station in the UK, if not the most popular in London - maybe one day I’ll get to make the tea there too.

Award-Winning Television

April 25 2005

Page 29

doylegetstvdeskfame@nakedpictures.phwoar

This week’s TV drool from the lips of society April 25 - May 1 2005

Election Problems

“Come To My Party, I’ll Be Your Best Mate” Plead Two-Faced Pricks

HOT

Black Coffee Milk? Milk in coffee? What are you, pussy weak weirdoes with no clue as to the difference between a stiff drink and a stiff cock in your mouth? And don’t even get me started on sugar!

Sweeting up the devil’s own coffee? You ARE joking.

SOAPS Minty Hints at Sminting a Skint Bint Yes, you read it here first AND last. Phil Mitchells fat fuck of a friend Minty (who suspiciously has managed to not figure at all in Phils brief return despite being his best friend and trying to freshen up his sister whilst his back’s turned) is trying to get lucky. This week, on Eastenders (Thursday BBC1 8pm) he goes speed dating with fellow losers Alfie (“Gee thanks scriptwriters from turning me into the toast of the town to a slicked back penis-poker” - Shane Ritchie) and Gary, with mixed success. Elsewhere in the square, DS Beech and his psychopathic sleepwalking slag-wagon of a daughter still can’t communicate properly in what must be the worst storyline in Eastenders’ history. Apart from Papa Miller’s illiteracy. The Cnut.

I Wanna be Elected once sang Alice Cooper. Er, and I Wanna be Sedated once sang The Ramones. Whatever side of the line you choose to reside, you ain’t gonna be avoiding the election this week buster so don’t even try to hide it.

There are Party Political Broadcasts on most days at random times, such as Wednesday, 6.25pm or 7.55pm depending on whether you’re watching BBC2 or C4. There’s also the obligitory Question Time special on Friday (BBC1, 9.30pm) with some Plaid Cymru superstands such as Effyn Llywd and an audience of students trying to pronounce his name. Still, stick with BBC1 because afterwards, Friday Night with Jonathan Ross features awesome Canadian band The Dears performing live, which is even worth watching a jawdroppingly yawnsome interview with Joely Richardson for.

The more observant amongst you (or the more Welsh) may have noticed that, after months of deliberation and wrestling with the head of Welsh programming, S4C is back to, ahem, grace our hallowed TV Desk pages.

The decision was not taken lightly, I might add. It’s just that we were gett i n g slightly

TV Manners’ guide to Life Finally I have my chance to give out pointless advice that only a handful of people will read. But at least they will enrich their lives as I have done. So, here goes, 1. Never, ever become a teacher.

2. Alway, always, always take the piss out of the emotionally repressed/distressed indie kids who may or may not hang around the Union or Clwb Ifor. It’s much fun and a great stress reliever since their only reply is either ‘OH MY GOD’ or ironically, ‘smile like you mean it’. Tossers.

3. Ignore diets, they don’t work. The equation is simple. If you take in more calories in a day than you burn off through walking or working then you will gain weight. Simple. So EAT THAT FUCKING MARS BAR. 4. Always find out what that song is because otherwise you’ll regret it later. Trust me.

5. Finally, make the most of uni to go to as many differernt gigs as possible. They’re fun, educational and a great way to punch someone and get away with it. Fantastic. Don’t you feel better now?

annoyed with having to write Taikishi’s Castle over and over again for Challenge TV. The only problem with our new S4C listing is that much of it is in Welsh. So whilst it may be the only chance you have of watching Channel 4 shows, many of you won’t be able to understand a bloody word of it. Double edged sword you see. My picks of this week begin with the most edcational one. Genghis Khan (BBC1, Monday, 9pm) is, quite obviously a look at the Mongolian emperor. Did he actually eat people? You can find out right here and learn some random facts for the next pub quiz you attend.

Diary Of A Porn Virgin (C4, Tuesday, 11.05pm) has to be my second

pick, not because I have any idea what it is about but because of the superb title.

And no, it’s got nothing to do with any of the News monkeys in the office at the moment. I’d imagine it’s pornographic to some extent so will appeal to half of you out there.

Yo, TV Katie at your service.

I was planning on making Casanova my pick of the week but alas, it finished last week without warning. Ho hum, it was fab. Instead I want you to watch Ray Mear’s Bushcraft (Thurs, BBC2, 8pm) because, well just because. This week the all-knowing Ray paddles down the Missinaibi river in Canada, presumably in his teeny-weeny-leaves-little-to-the-imagination shorts. We all want to know how to make a shoe out of a bamboo leaf and how to make fire from a twig and some sap - in fact, Mears convinces us we NEED to know this.

Super.

Alternatively, stick to what you know best: five episodes of the sordid, filthy Neighbours with the genius storyline involving Boyd working at the gym - woop woop; one much-needed episode of Desperate Housewives on Wednesday, topped off with The O.C. on Sunday to finish a perfect week of TV. You know it makes sense, we’ve said it all before but that’s because it’s so darn good. We no lie.

Ta Ta for now dearies. xxxxxxxxxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Do the Chickens have, like Talons?

Possibly the greatest geek-athigh-school comedy since Rushmore, the completely awesome Napoleon Dynamite (Released Monday 25th) finally gets to sit in our DVD players this week. Bypassing the integrity and bittersweet diagnosis of teenage emotion of the aforementioned Jason Schwartzmann vehicle and opting for out-and-out nerd laughs, Napoleon Dynamite is a triumph for independent cinema.

Starring Jon Herder as the ubiquitous Napoleon and directed by the promising Hess brothers, this is basically Donnie Darko if Donnie himself grew up addicted to Sesame and utterly failed to ever do anything properly. It’s also timely, as the outcasts and foreigners club together and clobber the opposition using a combination of naivety and bad breakdancing and steal the show. It also has a great soundtrack, as if that wasn’t enough, with When in Rome’s one taste of fame “The Promise” dropping over the closing credits like A-ha and Soft Cell never happened. What’s your special move?

NOT

The Kaiser Chiefs Listen, Dodgy weren’t cool in 1997 so what makes your britpop-throwback gash attack prattlings officially god’s gift to our ears? No really. I know you’re sitting in the room next to us, and I would come over and kick your trilbywearing asses you stuck up poncey English knobbers.

SPORT Are you willing to put your hands up and say “Yes! I am an odious little toerag with no prospects!”?

If yes, then, you’ll be pleased to know the Snooker World Championships continues this week on BBC2. You can’t miss it, it’s the one where the applause sounds like a flushing toilet.

FILMS Slim pickings this week, but if you want a popular but still alright classic, you can do worse than Raging Bull (Fri ITV1 12.10pm), the Descartes to Rocky’s Derren Brown. A De Niro / Scorsese collaboration with Joe “Wet Bandit” Pesci popping in as well, it pulls no punches (ha) and is a total knock-out. I feel sick.

RADIO Say what you want about football, but 6-0-6 on Radio 5 (6pm Saturday) is the greatest audio entertainment around at the moment. Forget if Alan Green’s hosting it, he’s an arrogant prick, but if anyone else is on board, then it’s the perfect forum for outspoken idiot football fans who haven’t thought about what they’re saying before they phoned in, gabbing on about Liverpool’s defence system when they weren’t actually watching the match but following the results coming in on teletext. Other highlights include pseudo-humorous morons “texting in” (ie curling one off at the idea of hearing their name on the radio), a general lack of Southampton fans who think they’re above that sort of thing, and any number of presenters holding their allegiances on their sleeves and quickly cutting off rambling drunks. Brilliant.

Monday

Page 30

April 25 - May 1 2005

luckythatmybreastsaresmallandhumble@soyoudon’tconfusethemwithmountains.org

6.00 GMTV2.

9.25 Married with Children.

Married... with Who? 9.55 Married with Children. The Godfather 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy.

12.20 People's Court. 1.30 Coronation Street.2.00 Coronation Street. 2.30 Emmerdale. 3.00 Emmerdale.

3.30 The Ricki Lake Show.

4.20 Trisha. 5.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 6.15 Judge Judy. 7.00 Married with Children.

Married... with Who? 7.30 Married with Children. The Godfather 8.00 The Contender.

9.00 Women Who Kill. Fatal Attraction 10.00 Celebrity Surgery - Who's Had What Done? Noses 10.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions. 11.30 Hell's Kitchen Live. 0.30 Coronation Street.

1.00 Coronation Street. 1.30 Late Show with David Letterman. 2.15 Champions League Weekly. 2.40 F1: San Marino Grand Prix Highlights.

3.30 Teleshopping.

5.00 ITV2 Nightscreen.

5.10 Late Show with David Letterman. I like to ride my bicycle, I like to ride my bike.

19.00 Britain's Best Buildings (Forth Bridge) Other nominations include Cardiff University Union, The Millennium Dome and Milton Keynes Homeless Shelter.

20.00 The World 20.30 Cover Stories: ID 21.00 Animation Nation 22.00 Animation Nation Shorts 23.00 The Guernica Children 23.45 Emmylou Harris: From a Deeper Well Ah BBC4 you darlings, how I’ve missed your drivel. Like a hernia.

24.45 Days That Shook the World The day Doyle shagged the same girl on consecutive nights...And remembered her name. 01.45 Animation Nation 02.45 Britain's Best Buildings 03.45 Cover Stories: ID 04.15 Close Here is the first in TV Katie’s Kitchen, a delicious recipe section, devoted to meals even you can make in your own home. Part One: Haricot Beans in a Tomato Coulis served on a bed of large toasted croutons.

Method: open tin of beans, toast some bread, pour former on latter and serve. Look out for Part II next week with a delicious, fast and simple noodle snack.

6:05am Making It 6:10am The Hoobs: Whale of a Time 6:35am The Hoobs: A Problem for the Pansies 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends: The One where Joey Dates Rachel 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond: Fighting In-Laws 8:25am The King of Queens: Golden Moldy 8:55am Will & Grace: Girl Trouble 9:20amSupporting Acts 9:40am Come Dine With Me 10:10am Third Watch 11:00am The British Book Awards With Richard & Judy 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm Grudge Match 12:40pm Twice Around the Daffodils (1962) Leads to considerable dizziness and possible grass stains. 2:15pm The Great Garden Challenge 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Room For Improvement 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks The ridiculous ‘Queen coming to Chester’ storyline continues.

Pah. 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm Party Election Broadcast 8:00pm Election Unspun: Why Politicians Don’t Tell the Truth Because they’re dead mate.

9:00pm Going to Extremes: The Silk Routes 10:00pm ER 11:05pm Porn Shutdown 12:05am Pornography the Musical 1:05am The King Of Soho Dave ‘I’m settling down’ Doyle has one last night on the town...with disasterous consequences.

2:05am F2.8 2:25am Perfect Match New York 3:15am Secret Admirer 4:00am Loves me...Loves me Not 4:10am Fuck Your Mother 4:20am Election Unspun 5:50am Close

P R I M E T I M E

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV 8.35 LK Today 9.25 People's Court.

10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.30 Perseverance. This is tripe, watched it the other day and basically it consists of tat loser ex-tennis turned GMTV ‘star’ asking various questions, only to ask the same questions again and again until the dire contestants can remember the answer to each one. Read dull.

2.00 Loose Women. This is also shite now - has anyone noticed how styled they all are now?

They match the fecking scenery.

2.45 Mum's on Strike. 3.30 Meg and Mog. Meg and the Viking 3.35 Tractor Tom. 3.45 What About Mimi?

3.55 King Arthur's Disasters.

4.25 My Parents Are Aliens.

5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

6.55 Party Election Broadcast.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Food on the Brain: A Tonight Special. Starring TV Katie and housemates whose lives revolve around meal times.

8.30 Coronation Street.

9.00 Hell's Kitchen.

10.30 ITV News.

11.10 Election 2005: Ask Charles Kennedy with Jonathan Dimbleby.

0.10 Champions League Weekly. 0.35 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: The Premiere. 1.00 Trisha.

1.55 Today with Des and Mel. 2.40 Bridezillas. 3.05 Entertainment Now! 3.30 Food on the Brain: A Tonight Special. 3.55 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

P R I M E T I M E

P R I M E T I M E

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 The Heckler 23.30 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 24.00 Wedding Stories 01.00 EastEnders Revealed 01.30 The Heckler 02.00 Spendaholics 02.55 Job for the Slob 03.55 Close A little ditty for Geordie: Para amarte necesito una razon y es dificil creer que no exista una mas que este amor. Sobra tanto dentro de este corazon que a pesar de que dicen que los anos son sabios todavia se siente el dolor. Porque todo el tiempo que pase junto a ti, dejo tejido su hilo dentro de mi. Y aprendi a quitarle al tiempo los segundos tu me hiciste ver el cielo aun mas profundo junto a ti creo que aumente mas de tres kilos con tus tantos dulces besos repartidos desarrollaste mi sentido del olfato y fue por ti....

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood. 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink. 6:50 Monster TV. 7:05 The Lampies. 7:15 Jackie Chan Adventures. 7:40 Eureka TV. 7:55 Newsround.

8:00 CBeebies: Balamory. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Fireman Sam. 8:40 Yoho Ahoy.

8:45 Brum. 9:00 Tweenies.

9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 The Story Makers. 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog. 10:15 Little Robots.

10:30 Focus. Substance Misuse - Nobody Tells Me What to Do. 10:50 Focus. Substance Misuse - Keep Your Mouth Shut. 11:10 Focus. It Makes Me Feel Good: Drugs.

11:30 The Daily Politics.

12:30pm: Working Lunch. 1:00 Pod's Mission. 1:15 Pod's Mission. Light and Shadows.

1:30 World Snooker Championship. 5:55 Party Election Broadcast by the Liberal Democrats.

6:00 Animal Park.

6:30 Dick and Dom's Ask the Family.

7:00 World Snooker Championship.

8:30 University Challenge.

Cardiff were on this when I was doing my A-levels, I was so impressed. They haven’t been on since. Rubbish.

(9:00 World Snooker Championship.

10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 World Snooker Championship.

12:00am: Snooker Extra: World Snooker Championship.

1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: The French Experience 2, 1-10. French course set in Senegal, Guadeloupe and Quebec. 3:30 Salut Serge!

Salut Serge, comment ca va? Tu veux prendre une biere? Ou est tu putain porte-feuile? Tu l’en a perdu? Bof, va te faire fouche!

2:00pm The O.C. 3:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends So here we are, with but one week of term left until what’s affectionately termed ‘living fucking hell’ commences. Sadly for you beautiful people this is my first and last year writing TV listings, as I’m off to join the Sifakas in tribal Madagascar. Maybe you’ll remember me in your dreams.

Fnarr. 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Smallville 10:00pm Fool Around..With Jodie Marsh This is a repeat. It was wank the first time and it will be wank this time. Jodie Marsh is an embarrasment to the female race.

10:30pm Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 11:00pm Queer as Folk 12:10am 4 Go Dating 12:40am Smallville 1:30am The O.C. 2:20am Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 2:50am Queer as Folk 3:50am Close Lucky that my breasts are small and humble...

06.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.25 Franny's Feet 06.35 Oswald 06.50 Hi-5 0 7 . 2 0 E b b a n d F l o 0 7 . 3 0 F u n ky Va l l ey 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Rolie Polie Olie 08.25 Franklin 08.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 BrainTeaser 2.00 Film: "Gun for a Coward" (1957, Western) 3.40 Film: "Bonnie and Clyde: The True Story" (1992, Crime) 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Liberal Democrats 7.30 Demolition Squad 8.00 Massive Machines 8.30 Fifth Gear 9.00 Film: "The Fugitive" (1993, Thriller) 11.35 Joey 12.05 Pa r t y Po ke r. c o m Wo r l d O p e n 01.30 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kick Boxing 02.20 NBA Action 02.45 US PGA Golf 03.35 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.25 Argentinian Football I planned on writing about Casanova this week before I realised last week’s was the last in the series. It was so good damn it.

Who watched the Top 100 albums last Sunday? Can’t believe Alanis Morrisette was number 13 man! And there was nothing by the Cure. Here is my current definitive Top 10, in no particular order: Bright Eyes I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning, Jeff Buckley Grace, Arcade Fire, The Smiths Hatful of Hollow, Fleetwood Mac Rumours, Rilo Kiley....bah, can’t be arsed to think of any more.

029 229977

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Time Team 09:50 Film: The Moonraker (1958) 11:20 Scrapheap Challenge USA 12:15 Point Pleasant: Human Nature 13:05 The O.C Still the second best thing on TV at this point in time. The lesbian scene even got my juices flowing and Seth is still poised on the ‘Most amazing man alive’ podium.

13:55 Channel 4 Racing 15:55 Kim & Grace 17:00 Newyddyon 17:10Y Clwb Rygbi 19:25 Celt a’r Groes'.

20:00 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 20:15 Tipyn o Stad 20:45 Noson Lawen Williams and Owen Webb.

21:45 Film: Gosford Park (2001) 00:15 Film: Breakdown (1997) 02:00 Empire Square: The Moustache 02:05 Teenage caveman (2001) 03:40 KOTV 04:10 Close Ahhh all you lovely Welshies, moan no more as herein lies the return of S4C in all its non-existent glory. For those of you who don’t speak English, (you must exist, the amount of fuss you make) here is your salvation.

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast.

9:15 Page Turners. Underrated.

10:00 City Hospital. 11:00 Houses Behaving Badly.

11:45 Mind Your Own Business. 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather.

1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.

Things get a bit hot for Boyd and Sky. Scorching, lucky bint. David has a tough decision to make.

Should he let Lyanna bone Paul Robinson to save her marriage, or should he get that face transplant? Toadie gets into shape.

Hopefully perpendicular.

2:05 Doctors.

2:35 Murder, She Wrote.

3:20 BBC News; Weather; 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger.

3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids. 4:00 Crush. 4:25 Mona the Vampire.

4:35 Lizzie McGuire.

5:00 Blue Peter.

5:25 Newsround.

5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News.

6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather.

7:00 Holiday 2005.

Montreal, Peru, Thailand, Maine, Benicassim, Reading. Here’s hoping.

7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce.

8:00 EastEnders.

8:30 Bailiffs.

9:00 Genghis Khan.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather.

10:45 Queens of Country.

11:45 This Week. I have mostly been learning orals (fnarr) and eating cakes (yum). Today was carrot cake. 12:30am: FILM: Nowhere to Hide. (1996) 2:05 Sign Zone: The Reclaimers.

2:35 Sign Zone: Jeremy Vine Meets Rupert Everett.

3:05 Sign Zone: Bailiffs.

3:35 Sign Zone: DIY SOS.

Point Pleasant S4C 12.15pm

PRIMETIME

Food on the Brain The King of Soho C4 1.05am ITV1 8pm

Genghis Khan BBC1 9pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

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Tuesday

April 25 - May 1 2005

Page 31

fortyeightpercent@tvwillycoulddobetter.com

10:00 BBC News 10:45 Skint Not as skint as I bastard am. Anyone wishing to donate a generous and wealthy parent email at the above address. 11:15 FILM: Hard Rain 12:50am: Sign Zone: See Hear.

(Digital Widescreen) 1:35 Sign Zone: A Life of Grime New York Fuck off. And you missus.

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three News just in, Apple Macs are shite.

19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 Joe Mace presents a live nightly fanzine. Joe Mace? Kiss my face, you twat.

20.00 Trauma Jeremy Sheffield narrates the documentary series following TV Willy as he wallows in his own pity about his lack of money, his knackered IMac and his cocking essay mark.

20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Little Britain Yeah, cos’ this is still really funny and stuff.

21.30 Ideal Not quite ideal is it really? You stupid biffer.

22.00 EastEnders Johnny struggles to tell Ruby about Tine. You reckon he named her after the rhyming slang for curry? Damn cockerneys.

22.30 BBC Three Outtakes Show 23.00 Nighty Night 23.30 The Heckler Sometimes you’re just not in the mood for that stand-up comic. I’m bloody not at the moment. 24.00 Wedding Stories Man weds goat.

Goat sues for divorce. Wins.

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy12.20 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA. The Delicate Art of Saying No 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children 7.30 Married with Children.

8.00 Jobs from Hell gair rhydd TV editor. Tell me about it.

9.00 Women who Kill 10.00 Celebrity Surgery: Who's Had What Done? More importantly, who gives a bee’s backside?

10.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 11.35 Hell's Kitchen Live 0.35 Married with Children 1.00 Married with Children 1.20 Late Show with David Letterman 2.10 Teleshopping I feel like Chicken Tonight, like Chicken Tonight. Mother-fuckers.

19.00 Days That Shook the World (JFK/Nixon) Days eh?

Even though the two events in question were a decade apart.

Conclusion: BBC4: For idiots.

20.00 The World “We live in is so interesting, what makes one man cry, can make another man sing”. Bet you didn’t think you’d get any Ozma lyrics in this weeks fun-packerd GR. Did you?

No you didn’t! Get some foresight you filthy beggar.

20.30 Dickens in America What the Dickens is this all about? He was in Cardiff last week according to Doctor Who. 21.00 Jazz Britannia Starring gair rhydd’s resident cartoonist and jazz-enthusiast, Jim ‘Funking all over your face’ Sefton.

22.00 The Desk I’ve just used some of TV John’s Lynx. It mings.

22.30 Dickens in America 23.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin Mickey’s looking a bit old these days isn’t he. Did you see him at the Baftas. the old codger. He should get some of Cleese’s firming cream.

12.00 Days That Shook the World

2:00 The O.C.: The Outsider Ryan gets a job at the Crab Shack. That’s not as interesitng as ‘Ryan gets crabs’ now, is it?

3:00 Smallville 4:00 Switched Two teens from different US cities are given a chance to swap lives to see how each other live. Wish I could do this with a TV Desk monkey in Honolulu. 4:30 Hollyoaks Ben (Marcus Patric) is worried he hasn't had a chance to tell Jake (Kevin Sacre) they're selling the house and despairs at the mess the Deans have made. I am a right scruffy bastard actuall (my surname being Dean for all those non-TV Willy fans around). 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Smallville 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 The O.C. 10:00 Fool Around With...Jodie Marsh 10:30 Bo’ Slecta Volume 3 11:00 No Angels 12:05 4 Go Dating: Shag Buddie 12:35 The O.C.:

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06.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.25 Franny's Feet 06.35 Oswald 06.50 Hi-5 07.20 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Rolie Polie Olie 08.25 Franklin 08.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser How many pissed-off TV editors does it take to answer the phone to his drunk friends who are out ‘gayclubbing’? 14.00 Film: "ATF" 15.40 Film: "Her Best Friend's Husband" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away A Summer Bay favourite says goodbye. Meatloaf?

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news Kirsty Young, mmmmm.

19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Conservative Party

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19.30 Hidden Treasure Houses AKA Inside Natalie Portman’s panties.

20.00 D-Day: The Ultimate Conflict God, I’ve been reading far too much FHM, I’m turning into a leering old man.

21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 CSI: Miami 22.55 The Truth About‚ Hell's Angels They have B.O? I’d have thought that that is fairly obvious. 23.55 PartyPoker.com World Open 03.55 NASCAR Busch Series ‘Sport’ for fat Republicans. Be damned. All of you! 04.45 Major League Soccer

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5:50 Angeal Anaconda 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King Of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:20 Nikki 9:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Third Watch How many bloody watches do you need? I just use my phone. 11:10 Without A Trace 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30 The Angry Silence 2:15 The Great Garden Challenge In the case of our garden it would be, try and fit more than two people and a bin bag in it. We do have a nice garage though. Although our landlord obviously doesn’t let us use it. The big fanny. 3:15 Countdown Richard Whiteley and Carol Vorderman in the show with a clock, vowels, consonants and numbers. Jaysus, they’ll be telling us Blue Peter is ‘the show with the crap presenters and shitting elephants’. 4:00 Room For Improvemnt 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Party Political Broadcast 8:00 Property Ladder 9:00 Supernanny 10:00 No Angels 11:05 Diary of a Porn Virgin 12:10 Heaven’s Prisoners 2:30 This Filthy Earth 4:30 The Birthday 4:45 3 Minute Wonder: Letters Home 4:50 Election Unspun: Why politicians can’t tell the truth.

Because they’re a load of fucking arseholes, because they run away from taxis without paying, because they also enjoy fucking me right off, because if they did no-one would vote for them, because if they did their prostates would explode, because if they did the moon would orbit jupiter at an angle of four degrees and we’d all be

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Perseverance 2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's on Strike 3.30 Meg and Mog I bet Meg and Mog’s chatshow would be better than that one with Mel and Sue. 3.35 Tractor Tom 3.45 What About Mimi? That’s Mariah Carey’s nickname I just read in this month’s issue of Geordie’s FHM. 3.55 Rugrats 4.25 My Parents Are Aliens.

Smotherly Love 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.25 ITV Evening News; Weather 6.55 Party Election Broadcast By the Conservative Party 7.00 Emmerdale.

A dented tin of peaches causes Emily to erupt at work, this I would like to see. It’s bastard 2am 7.30 Champions League Live AC Milano vs. PSV I’ll be rooting for PSV as I bumped into their manager, Guus Hiddink, over the summer and he seemed like a lovely man.

9.45 Hell's Kitchen 10.30 ITV News 11.10 FILM: A Fish Called Wanda Python superness. You should really watch this, it’s reet good. 1.05 The District Red light, shopping, ...of Columbia, all the variations. My it’s a funny word indeed.

1.50 Champions League.

3.30 The Paul O'Grady Show ................................................ ...............................isn’t very bloody good at all.

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Not that I mind restarting at 2 in the frigging morning or anything. Any sympathy can be emailed to TVWilly@fuckedoffandmiserable.com.

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6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster TV No doubt starring Eric Hall of ‘being a twatty football agent’ fame. 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Yoho Ahoy 8:45 Brum 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Robots 10:30 Primary Geography: Portrait of Europe.

The Netherlands. Presenters Jamie Theakston and Charlotte Avery continue their journey across Europe. Well, you sleep with a few hookers and look what happens to your TV career.

It’s a shame alright. 10:50 Primary History. Ancient Egypt 11:10 Music Makers 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Pod's Mission 1:15 Pod's Mission 1:30 World Snooker Championship 2:30 The Election Roadshow 3:00 World Snooker Championship 5:55 Party Election Broadcastby the Conservative Party 6:00 Animal Park 6:30 Dick and Dom's Ask the Family 7:00 World Snooker Championship 8:00 Mastermind 8:30 Fred Dibnah's Made in Britain 9:00 World Snooker Championship 10:30 The Newsnight Debate.

11:20 World Snooker Championship 12:00am: Snooker Extra: World Snooker Championship 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision Maths 1.

Garden Challenge C4 2.15pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital. 11:00 Houses Behaving Badly. 11:45 Mind Your Own Business 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours.

2:05 Doctors.2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger.3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids. 4:00 50/50. 4:35 What's New Scooby Doo? 5:00 Short Change. 5:25 Newsroun.

5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 7:00 Love Me, Love My Kids.

7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City Not Just a River in Egypt. We assume this is something to do with being in denial. How clever.

9:00 Hustle My bender of a computer has just decided to not let me save my work.

Meaning I have to rewrite

Angry Silence C4 12.30

PRIMETIME

Party Pol. Broadcast BBC2 5.55pm

Monster TV BBC2 6.50am

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:25 King Of Queens 08:55 Will and Grace 09:20 Nikki 09:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15Thirdwatch 11:10 Without A Trace 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Pei Pwmpen 13:15 Room For Improvement 13:45 The Great Garden Challenge 14:45 Selling Houses: Islington 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Ofn! 16:25 Code Lyoko 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard and Judy 17:55 Party Election Broadcast: the Conservative Party 18:00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19:00 WEDI 7 19:25 Darllediad Etholiadol: Y CEidwadwyr 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cym 20:25 Y Byd Ar Bedwar 21:00 Galipoli 22:00 Amdani 22:50 No Angels 23:50 Porn Shutdown 00:50 Eurotrash 01:15 Pornography: The musical YES! What better way to end a traumatic week?

Oh my girlfriend has just been arrested for jumping a taxi.

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Wednesday

Page 32

April 25 - May 1 2005

KaiserChiefs@whooooa-waaaank.com

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children Oh yes, read it and weep competition, ITV1 have secured the exclusive rights to show the worlds least innovative, worst sitcom in the history of television. Watch this, and feel your life ebb away.

10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael.

11.10 Judge Judy 12.20 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street. 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.40 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children.7.30 Married with Children. 8.00 Celebrity Fit Club USA. 8.50 Movies Now. 9.00 Women Who Kill. The Susan Smith Story 10.00 10.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions.

11.30 Footballers' Wives.0.30 Coronation Street. 1.00 Coronation Street. 1.25 Hell's Kitchen Live. 2.25 Footballers' Wives TV. Wedding 2.50 Late Show with David Letterman.

3.35 Teleshopping. 5.05 ITV2 Nightscreen. 5.10 Late Show with David Letterman.

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 8.35 LK Today: Lorraine Kelly 9.25 People's Court British answer to Judge Judy, which, in lacking the key thing that makes Judge Judy (that is, Judy’s lemon-sucking face and wrinkled cack-chat) is obviously rubbish.

How can you have a court with Carol Smillie in it?

10.30 This Morning. 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Perseverance 2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's on Strike Let’s eat the forbidden biscuits before and AFTER dinner.

3.30 Meg and Mog. 3.35 Tractor Tom 3.45 What About Mimi?

4.00 Art Attack 4.25 My Parents Are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 6.55 Party Election Broadcast 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Is Katie dead yet? Are they going to have to elongate the coffin to fit in her mullet?

8.00 The Bill.

9.00 Hell's Kitchen 10.00 Coronation Street 10.30 ITV News.

11.10 Wales Decides 2005 Ermm which cigar, gold ring shall I wear and which tooth shall I knock out this week?

0.10 The Magnificent Seven.

0.55 cd:uk Hotshots.

1.20 The Paul O'Grady Show 2.10 FILM: The Star Maker 3.55 World Sport.

4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

19.00 The Desk A daring and exciting media insight show covering such diverse topics as music piracy and reality television. Such diversity.

19.30 An Islamic History of Europe 20.00 The World 20.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 21.00 Jazz Britannia Jamie Cullem, the fucker.

22.00 In the Footsteps of Churchill 22.30 Film: Malena 23.55 Days That Shook the World 24.55 Jazz Britannia 01.55 An Islamic History of Europe 02.25 In the Footsteps of Churchill 02.55 Days That Shook the World 03.55 Close Erm nothing else to say about this, so lets have some music choices: the new Caribou (nee Manitoba) album, the awesome new Decemberists album, some old favourites from Neutral Milk Hotel and Rufus Wainwright, and also the new Alkaline Trio and Kathleen Edwads albums. Oooo.

5:50am Angela Anaconda 6:10am The Hoobs: Down in the Middle Jordan’s first words to Peter Andre. 6:35am The Hoobs: Somebody Loves You 7:00am B4 7:30am Fiends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am The King of Queens 8:50am Will and Grace 9:20am Nikki 9:45am Come Dine With Me 10:15am Third Watch 11:10am Without a Trace 12:00pm News at Noon Looks like it’s “budget-review” season on 4, given how many cheap American import repeats are on this morning rather than ITV schools.

12:30pm Grudge Match 12:40pm Siege of the Saxons2:15pm The Great Garden Challenge 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Room For Improvement 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpson 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm Party Election Broadcast 8:00pm Relocation Relocation 9:00pm Grand Designs 10:00pm Desperate Housewives I’m bored of this now.

11:05pm Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered Apparently the (somewhat exaggerated, I bet) behind the scenes goss on the legendary porno involves suicide, mobsters, organised crime and such like. Should be worth checking out, even though all the cast of said porno are now old enough to be your parents.

12:05am Cathouse 1:10am World Superbikes 2:10am Monster Jam UK 2:35am KOTV Classics 3:30am Transworld Sport

Oswald five 6.35pm

06.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.25 Franny's Feet 06.35 Oswald 06.50 Hi-5 07.20 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Rolie Polie Olie 08.25 Franklin 08.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: Quincy: The Thighbone's Connected to the Kneebone And the kneebones kicking Quincy square in the ass.

15.35 Film: Vanished without a Trace I saw Lord Lucan working in Flares the other day. I mean, I think it was him, underneath the many layers of crusty, wart ridden skin, 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Labour Party “paaaaaaarp” 19.30 Built for the Kill: Predators of the Deep 20.00 Classroom Chaos Manners tries to control his pupils.

21.00 Film: Blown Away Hopefully not the sequal to Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s Swept Away 23.20 World's Nastiest Neighbours 24.15 PartyPoker.com World Open Fat, gambling trophy wives get their tattoes norks out.

01.30 World of Rugby Or the world of Gavin Henson’s picture phone, if you’re in Wales.

01.55 Boxing: Fight of the Week 03.10 V8 Supercars 04.00 Motorsport Mundial 04.25 Dutch Football Rerken furgen.

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ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks.

6:50 Monster TV 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Yoho Ahoy 8:45 Brum 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers. 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Robots 10:30 The Munsters 10:55 World Snooker Championship 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:30pm: World Snooker Championship 1:00 Numbertime 1:15 Numbertime 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 World Snooker Championship 2:30 The Election Roadshow 3:00 World Snooker Championship 5:55 Party Election 6:00 Animal Park 6:30 Dick and Dom's Ask the Family “Yeah we think this is crap too” - The family.

7:00 World Snooker Championship.

9:00 The Apprentice I find Alan Sugar a likeable character, is that wrong? I also like to throw slugs over the neighbours’ fence when their children are playing on the swings. Is that wrong as well?

9:50 World Snooker Championship 10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 World Snooker Championship.

12:00am: Snooker Extra: World Snooker Championship 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision Maths 2.

4:00 L8R Compilation 2 5:00 Odd Squad The Socialist.

Honey I Ruined The House S4C 2.45pm

PRIMETIME

STUDENT SAVER

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Film: Red Corner Michael Douglas gets pasted by going with someone other than Catherine.

22.55 Teen Angels 23.55 Wedding Stories 24.55 EastEnders Revealed All about ferret-lipped snidey McFucwit himself, Ian Beale. Oh the many tedious things there are to say about him 01.25 The Heckler Two bozoes are trained up to heckle politicians. Yawn. Probably full of the sort of stinking students who gatecrash Question Time to blurt on about “Uhhh wasn’t it all about oil” to whatever unlucky Labour MP draws the short straw.

01.55 Teen Angels 02.55 Essential Top 50 They don’t actually specify what they’re talking about here. Fifty what? Biggest wanks? Ways to leave your lover? Ways to scream your name? Things I hate about you? 03.55 Close

Film:Blown Aw a y five 9pm

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Houses Behaving Badly 11:45 Mind Your Own Business 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.

Paul gets the goods on Ramsay Street residents.

He’s obviously being given more information than we are then.

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News.

3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger. 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:00 Arthur 4:20 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:30 Ace Lightning TV John’s favourite cider. 5:00 Blue Peter. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 7:00 Smart Spenders 7:30 Trauma. 8:00 DIY SOS. 8:30 Airport 9:00 D-Day to Berlin Yeah go on, rub it in.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:45 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:50 Head on the Block 11:50 Forgiving Dr Mengele12:20am: FILM: The Lawnmower Man Unadulterated cyberdelic cuntfest.

2:05 Sign Zone: Grown Up Gappers. 2:45 Sign Zone: Smart Spenders.

3:15 Sign Zone: Ray Mears' Bushcraft

PRIMETIME

Your Union

029 20229977

Film: Heavenʼ’s Prisoners S4C 1am

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

2:00pm The OC 3:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm Scrubs 9:30pm Scrubs 10:00pm Fool Around...With Jodie Marsh 10:30pm Peep Show 11:00pm Desperate Housewives New series!!! For people who’ve managed to keep up with the current one (which sadly doesn’t include me) 12:00am 4 Go Dating 12:30am Scrubs 12:55am Scrubs 1:25am Peep Show 1:55am Fool Around...With Jodie Marsh 2:25am 4 Go Dating: Shag Buddies Sounds shit.

2:45am Distraction Is shit.

3:15am Distraction 3:45am Close Frunken Farper

08:25 King of Queens 08:50 Will and Grace 09:20 Nikki 09:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Thirdwatch11:10 Without a Trace 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:15 Room for Improvement 13:45 The Great Garden Challenge Turn TV John’s shithole rubble-ridden bombsite into something plants might considering growing in.

14:45 Honey I Ruined The House 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Nic a Peri 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard and Judy 17:55 Party Election Broadcast:The Labour Party 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Rownd a Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:25 Darleddiad Etholiadol: Y Blaid Lafur 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad 21:00 04 Wal Sal 21:30 Sioe Gelf 22:00 Grand Designs 23:00 ER 00:00 Going to Extremes: The Silk Routes 1 01:00 FILM: Heavens Prisoners 03:10 Diwedd / Close

Thursday

April 25 - May 1 2005

Page 33

menon@for_news_editor.org.uk

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 Yeah you can change the channels all you want but it’s still a bollocks show hosted by a wee little man so out of his depth, not even the tide is going to bring him closer to shore (I think that metaphor worked). 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Surviving the Wave: a Thailand Story Let’s hope this show has a little more respect and tact than UWIC’s timeless ‘sponsered swim’ to raise money for the victims of the Asian tsunami. Round of applause for that committee of morons. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Spendaholics 23.25 The Heckler TV John at the Kaiser Chief’s gig. Well he didn’t actually go but he managed to annoy the fuck out of the groupies, and we hope, the god awful band.

Geordie tried to knock one of them out too. Man, I love feisty northeners. 23.55 Wedding Stories 0.55 EastEnders Revealed 01.25 Paparazzi 01.55 Surviving the Wave: a Thailand Story 02.50 Spendaholics Well I bought Dawsons series 3...

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.20 People's Court 13.30 Coronation Street 14.00 Emmerdale 14.30 Airline USA Beyond Our Control 15.00 The Ricki Lake Show Whatever happened to the constantly pregnant wench? 15.50 Trisha 16.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.45 Judge Judy 19.00 Married with Children 19.30 Married with Children 20.00 Honeymoons from Hell Well when you choose Basra as you’re holiday destination you’re bound to run into difficulties.

Second on the list of top 10 places not to go on your honeymoon is Zimbabwe, Three...East Timor. 21.00 Real Crime: Cracking the Killer's Code 22.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 22.30 Footballers' Wives TV 23.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 0.00 The Contender 01.00 Married with Children 01.20 Married with Children 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman 02.30 Teleshopping 04.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with Dave Letterman

19.00 Dickens in America 19.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 20.00 The World 20.30 Tales from Europe: Poland 21.00 Jazz Britannia 22.00 Creature Comforts 22.10 Albatross 22.30 The Queen's Monastery 22.40 The Old Lady and the Pigeons Old people can always get away with bestiality.

23.00 Tales from Europe: Poland Well this is a happy-golucky show looking into the delights of Blitzkrieg attacks on the country and the impact of having Auschwitz place slapped bang into the middle of the frozen countryside. Not really one to sit down and watch on a cosy night in with the missus.

Unless you’re really into that sort of thing. 23.30 Days That Shook the World The very first OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOD from the Kaiser Chiefs.

Thankfully, none of us were there to listen to the drivel. 0.30 Jazz Britannia 01.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 02.00 Tales from Europe: Poland 02.30 Dickens in America 03.00 Days That Shook the World 04.00 Close

14:00 The O.C. 15:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 16:00 Switched 16:30 Hollyoaks 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 19:00 Hollyoaks 19:30 Switched 20:00 Friends 20:30 Friends 21:00 ER 22:00 Fool Around...With Jodie Marsh 23:00 Sex And The City 23:35 Sex And The City 0:10 4 Go Dating 0:40 ER 01:30 The O.C. 2:20 4 Go Dating 02:45 SEc And The City 03:15 Sex And The City 03:45 Close So I hope you all had a fantastic Easter holiday. I for one spent most of the time sleeping, having fun in bed, and best of all, going to see My Chemical Romance for free after winning tickets off that lovely man, Mike Davis.

Thankfully, they were fucking awesome. No stupid annoying mini moshers, just true fans full of energy and not afraid to get pushed around. If you haven’t already purchased the utterly superb Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge then do it. Now. And then come and have a Chinese with me in the middle of Camden Town. Awesome.

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17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Green Party 19.30 World War I in Colour 20.00 The Truth about Killer Squid You can’t buy them down your local Chinese unless you ask specifically for the ‘special stuff’. I wouldn’t go near them with a fucking barge pole.

21.00 Film: The Rookie (1990) A disturbing look at the first few weeks of the life of a News monkey.

Constant abuse from Doyle and Sports desk failed to make the cut, it was deemed simply too graphic.

Not for the faint hearted, if you ever think of writing for gair rhydd, watch this as a trial by fire before picking up that phone.

23.20 The World's Worst Drivers Caught on Tape 0.10 PartyPoker.com World Open 01.30 John Barnes' Football Night He shouldn’t be allowed on TV as he’s more wooden infront of camera than Jordan/Keanu (delete as applicable). 02.10 Portuguese Football 03.40 Dutch Football (PSV v Vitesse Arnhem)

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5:50 Angela Anaconda 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 7:55 Everybody Loves Raymond but Jesus thinks he’s a knob. 8:25 The King Of Queens 8:50 Will & Grace 9:20 Will & Grace 9:45 Come Dine With Me 10:20 Third Watch 11:10 Without A Trace 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Ten Tall Men (1951) 14:15 The Great Garden Challenge 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Room For Improvement 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 THe Simpsons 18:30 Hollyoaks 19:00 Channel 4 News 19:55 Party Election Broadcast I have no idea which party this one is for (that’s the fun of the game) but it’ll try and appeal to your traditional roots. And it’ll be shit and make you want to vote Green.

20:00 Selling Houses 20:30 The City Gardener 21:00 Super Size Me Yeah man, down with the capitalist bastards. I’m never going to eat another burger again. After TV John saw this film, he vowed never to step foot in McDonalds again. The film just made me hungry.

22:55 Death Of A Porn Star Wanted: old man to take over the position as Head of the Catholic church.

0:00 Eurotrash Members of News Desk appear with Antoine and his feature ‘Show Me Yours, I’ll Show You Mine’. An as yet undisclosed body part was shown. 0:30 Eurotrash 01:00 Trigger Happy USA 01:30 Cold Blooded (1995) 03:05 First Person 03:35 Occasional, Strong 03:50 No. 57: The History Of A House 04:50 Home Sweet Home

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime 13.30 Perseverance 14.00 Loose Women 14.45 Mum's on Strike 15.30 Meg and Mog 15.35 Tractor Tom 15.45 What About Mimi? 15.55 Jungle Run 16.25 The Fugitives 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Stories from the Street. Grangetown Well with the amount of gangsters prowling the mean streets of Grangetown, you’re going to have some difficulty understanding their blinging tales. Tupac is dead. Deal with it.

20.00 The Bill 21.00 Footballers' Wives Fucking annoying, abi titmuss related, Christina Aguilera dirrty style, Britney dumbed down shockingly cack show. Loved by students across the country.

22.00 Hell's Kitchen My flat after I’ve just spent £82 on shopping.

22.30 ITV News 23.10 How the War Changed Wales Everybody speaks English. I would like to note that aside from the Catholics baying for my blood after reading this week’s paper, someone else recommended this comment.

Welsh nationalists, sit down.

Catholics, keep on coming.

23.40 Soccer Night 0.10 2DTV 0.30 Love Match 0.55 Redcoats 01.20 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.15 1992 Forever 03.10 Cybernet 03.35 Loose Women Or as Doyle refers to it, his research hour.

04.10 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

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6:00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster TV 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Yoho Ahoy 8:45 Brum 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Robots 10:30 The Way Things Work 10:45 Razzledazzle 11:05 Something Special 11:20 Primary Geography: Using the Land 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 13:00 Pathways of Belief: Islam 13:15 Pathways of Belief: Islam 13:30 World Snooker Championship 14:30 The Election Roadshow 15:00 World Snooker Championship 17:55 Party Election Broadcast by the Green Party 18:00 The Black Ball Final 18:30 Dick and Dom's Ask the Family about what little Jimmy has been doing after dark. With a trail of teenage mothers and unpaid gambling debts left in his wake, it’s time he owned up to his problems. Next week we’ll see him on Trisha.

19:00 The Culture Show 19:30 World Snooker Championship 20:00 Ray Mears' Bushcraft 21:00 World Snooker Championship 22:30 Newsnight 23:20 The Culture Show 23:50 World Snooker Championship 0:30 Joins BBC News 24 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision Maths 3 04:00 GCSE Bitesize Revision.

History: Modern World History which I will stay up to watch.

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6:00 Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy Employment by the Kaiser Chiefs. 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Houses Behaving Badly 11:45 Mind Your Own Business 12:15 Bargain Hunt 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:40 Neighbours 14:05 Doctors 14:35 Murder, She Wrote 15:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 15:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 16:00 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16:30 SMart 17:00 Really Wild Show 17:25 Newsround 17:35 Neighbours 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 19:00 Little Angels Ah we’ve just had some fun with the fucking stupid groupies following the OH MY GOD Kaiser Chief’s gig.

They didn’t appreciate our piss take of them and became rather arsy. Listen you tossers, when you start listening to OH MY GOD better music then you can take the piss out of us. Until then, we’ll continue to flick pistachio shells in your general direction. Cunts.

19:30 EastEnders 20:00 Airport 20:30 Question Time: Leaders' Special 22:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 22:45 The Bermuda Triangle: Beneath the Waves 23:45 This Week 0:30 FILM: A Vow to Kill (1994) all of the Kaiser Chiefs, especially the dickhead claiming to be the frontman. 02:05 Sign Zone: Panorama 03:05 Sign Zone: Skint 03:35 Sign Zone: The Queen's Castle 04:35 Joins BBC News 24

Peopleʼ’s Court ITV2 12.20pm

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ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 King Of Queens 8:55 Will And Grace 9:25 TBA 9:50 Come Dine With Me 10:20 Thirdwatch 11:10 Without A Trace 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Peppa Pinc 13:15 Room For Improvement 13:45The Great Garden Challenge 14:45 Honey I Ruined The House 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Beyblade 16:30 Crafwr 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 Party Election Broadcast: The Green Party 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Friends 19:00 Wedi 7 19:25 Darllediad Etholiadol: Y Blaid Werdd 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Clwb Garddio 21:00 Dudley 21:30 Hacio 22:00 Relocation, Relocation, Relocation 23:00 Supernanny 00:00 Diary Of A Porn Virgin 01:00 FILM: That Thing You Do (1996) 03:00 World Superbikes 2005 04:00 Diwedd/Close If you can understand any of the TV listings then you deserve to watch this.

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Friday

Page 34

April 25 - May 01 2005

tvgrace@sickinabag.com

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19.00 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels Nothing on Channel Four’s superbly saucy No Angels, which admittedly I’ve only watched once.

21.00 Secret Life of the Shop Sounds a bit like one of the reality clips from The Day Today.... “In 1979, no-one died etc.....”

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Ideal 23.30 The Heckler Tonight in the dressing rooms up at GR towers we have Leeds’ finest - Kaiser Chiefs. In the spirit of heckling TV John just went onto the balcony and shouted “Whooooooohhhhooooooaaaaaa aaaaahhhhhhh-wank”. Nice 24.00 Wedding Stories Probably starring Britney ‘prenup’ Spears.

24.55 Secret Life of the Shop 01.55 End Day Although this is the last show on BBC3 tonight it isn’t actually just about being the last show tonight.

Understand?

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.20 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street Will Sally make the same mistake a second time around? Don’t put it in that hole you silly cow.

2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 Planet's Funniest Animals We now have Kaiser chief grooupies on the balcony shouting ‘Ricky!’ Knobbers. Even worse, Queen are on the stereo.

Yuk yuk.

8.30 American Idol 9.20 American Idol 9.45 Movies Now. 10.00 Coronation Street 10.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 11.35 Hell's Kitchen Live 0.35 Married with Children 1.00 Married with Children 1.20 Late Show with David Letterman 2.10 Teleshopping.

19.00 Fortunes of War No-one should make money out of war should they? Except for American engineering multinationals with Dick Cheney on their board.

20.00 The World 20.30 The DVD Collection 21.00 Eric Clapton: The Rock 'n' Roll Years The most overratted and dull musican of the last century takes us through his rock and roll years. As Pete Doherty proves, heroin addictions do not make you ‘rock and roll’.

21.30 Eric Clapton: Searching for Robert Johnson Try looking in the grave next to the headstone which reads “here lies Robert Johnson”.

Mong.

22.30 Omnibus (Cream at the Royal Albert Hall) More Cunty Clapton 23.20 John Mayall: The Godfather of British Blues 24.20 Eric Clapton: The Rock 'n' Roll Years 24.50 Days That Shook the World This week: Rik Waller’s first steps. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.

Funky Valley five 7.30pm

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06.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.25 Franny's Feet 06.35 Oswald 06.50 Hi-5 07.20 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Rolie Polie Olie 08.25 Franklin 08.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: "Whispering Smith" 15.40 Film: "Custody of the Heart" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Kane finds his worst fears confirmed. His brother is a seven-foot wrestler called ‘The Undertaker’.

18.30 Family Affairs Lucy makes a decision about her and Jake's future. They’re going to adopt a llama.

19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the UK Independence Party Geordie’s Dad’s party.

19.30 Fifth Gear Car magazine. BOOOOOOOO-RING 20.00 House Doctor: The A-Z of Design 20.30 Britain's Worst DIYer My landlord.

21.00 House Doctor: Inside and Out 22.05 Film: "Final Analysis" A look at another of my dismal essays. Yuk. 24.35 PartyPoker.com World Open 01.55 Film: "Tick Tock" 03.25 Film: "Michael Jordan: the Road to Victory" The A50 to Ross-on-Wye? 04.55 Sunset Beach Meanwhile the rest of the office indulges in homo-erotic behaviour while our editor moans about respecting grammar, ‘even though it’s late’. Yuk. I really wish I was in bed.

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5:50 Angela Anaconda 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:20 The King of Queens 8:50 Will & Grace 9:20 Will & Grace 9:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Third Watch 11:10 Without A Trace 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Grudge Match 12:40 Hondo 2:15 The Great Garden Challenge 3:15 Countdown 4:00 Room for Improvement A succint summary of Manchester City’s season. 5:00 Richard & Judy The daily live entertainment show hosted by Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan. It's live - so anything can happen but it usually doesn’t.

6:00 The Simpsons “There you go fatso.”

6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Party Election Broadcast We’re not quite sure by who though.

8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends The One Where Estelle Dies. Not the Estelle of ‘1980’ fame.

Shame 9:00 The Simpsons 9:30 Derren Brown : Trick of the Mind In tonight's programme he subjects Mo Mowlam to a mind-reading routine.

10:00 Playing It Straight 11:05 Jamiroqai Exclusively gash.

11:10 FILM: Young Guns II 1:05 Peeping Tom 3:30am The Real History Show Not presented by our own history boffin TV Manners. 4:25am NO 57: The History of a House God, I’m bored, the groupies have fucked off. Geordie is pissed as a fart and TV Katie has gone MIA after being asleep on the office floor.

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 Entertainment Today 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Perseverance 2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's on Strike 3.30 Meg and Mog Animation about a witch and a cat. Satire on spinsery lezzers? Who knows? 3.35 Tractor Tom Starring new gair rhydd editor Tom Wellingham.

3.45 What About Mimi? 4.00 Splash Camp One word, pornlovers - bukkakke! 4.30 Girls in Love Teen drama, sounds rubbish. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.25 Party Election Broadcast By the Welsh Conservative Party Is there such a thing?

6.30 ITV Evening News THIS IS THE NEWS 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street A black cloud descends over the Cropper household as Chesney prepares to leave.

Vera gets her wish and Sean calls it a day. Sally's nervous when Justine delves into Ian's affairs.

She ought to be, slapper.

8.00 Food on the Brain: A Tonight Special 8.30 Celebrity Stitch Up Starring Michael Douglas 9.00 Hell's Kitchen 10.00 Celebrity Stitch Up 10.30 ITV News 11.10 The Contender 0.10 FILM: Raging Bull One word: Overrated. 2.15 Entertainment Now! 2.40 The Paul O'Grady Show TV Grace is 20-years-young today. We’e all going getting shit-faced at her house tomorrow night. YAY!

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6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks Starring Jade Goodey 6:50 Monster TV 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Yoho Ahoy 8:45 Brum 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Robots 10:30 10:45 Razzledazzle 11:05 Words and Pictures Plus 11:20 Science Clips 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:30pm: Working Lunch 1:30 World Snooker Championship 5:55 Party Election Broadcast by the UK Independence Party (still cunts, even with out Kilroy) 6:00 Animal Park 6:30 Dick and Dom's Ask the Family Presumably with questions like “How’s your father?” Geddit.

7:00 World Snooker Championship 8:00 A Year at Kew The life of a snooker player. Geddit.

8:30 Gardeners' World.

9:00 World Snooker Championship 10:30 Newsnight Only 6 days to the election you apathetic beggars. Cast your votes for Cpt. Beany now!

11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 World Snooker Championship 12:15am: FILM: Body and Soul 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Waiting Their Turn 2:30 Women and Allegory: Gender and Sculpture in Two Societies 3:00 Trend Trackers 3:30 Women of Northern Ireland 4:00 Pacific Studies: Patrolling the American Lake 4:30 New York: Making Connections 5:00 Music and Place: In Tune with America

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Page Turners The ultimate accessory for the lit-savvy billionaire.

10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Houses Behaving Badly 11:45 Mind Your Own Business 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours. 2:05 Doctors Sarah is forced into being a honey trap when her friend suspects her fiance of cheating. Is her fiance a bear?

2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger Hands in between eyes. Ready? GEEENIUSS. 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids4:00 Arthur 4:20 The Fairly Odd Parents So that’s everyone’s then. 4:30 Ace Lightning.

Formula for Disaster 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Stuart rejects Sindi's help - blind men usually don’t like to be helped when playing poker - odd. Sky strikes an uneasy compromise with Boyd - “You hold it, I’ll lick it.”

6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News (Followed by a Party Election Broadcast by the UK Independence Partycunts) 7:00 A Question of Sport.

7:30 Top of the Pops.

8:00 EastEnders Gary and Minty embark on a new regime to improve their pulling power. Focus on blind women.

8:30 Outtake TV 9:00 Have I Got News for You. 9:30 Only Fools and Horses.

10:00 BBC News 10:45 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:45 FILM: Parenthood

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2:00pm The O.C.: Something to do with Ryan not being posh enough for a school so he has to take a test. Probably not as dull as it sounds.

3:00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks Justin (Chris Fountain) is finding life boring and confides in Ali (Luti Fagbenle) that he wants to do something exciting. the pair then offer themselves as bait in a gruesome re-inaction of The Predator. 5:00 Friends The One with Russ. That’ll be Russ Abbot then. 5:30 Friends 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00pm FRIENDS: The One with Russ Joey gets a great acting opportunity on Days of our Lives.

Meanwhile Rachel dates a guy called Russ (also played by David Schwimmer) who is amazingly similar to Ross. And Monica renews her relationship with "Fun" Bobby, but finds out Bobby is only fun when he is drinking.

09:20 Will And Grace 09:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Third-Watch 11:10 Without a Trace 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Plant 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 Room For Improvement 13:45 The Great Garden Challenge 14:45 Honey I Ruined the House 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Troeon Tristan 16:25 O Na! Y Morgans 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard And Judy 17:55 Party election Broadcast: UKIP 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Uned 5 19:25 Darlleiad Etholiadol: Plaid Annibyniaeth Y Deyrnas Unedig 19:30 News 20:00 Pobol y Cym 20:25 Pawb A'i Farn: Etholiad 2005 21:30 Darllied Etholiadol: Y Blaid Lafur Sosialaidd 21:35 Property Ladder 22:35 Derren Brwon: Trick of the Mind 2(S) 23:05 Party Election Broadcast: Socialist Labour Party 23:10 Playing it Straight 00:10 Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered 01:15 Death of a Porn Star

Saturday

April 25 - May 1 2005

Page 35

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06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus Emily tries to keep up appearances, but she finally loses it and informs the entire Woolpack of Paddy and Viv's affair. Diane anxiously awaits her test results, but there's good news from the hospital. Val encourages Bob to go in for some record breaking.

Doona discovers that Marlon's been lying. Despite knowing better, Louise succumbs to Matthew's charms. Paddy the pariah is helped out by Max. 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 15.00 Nanny 911 16.00 Cycling Highlights: LiegeBastogne-Liege 2005 16.30 CD:UK 17.30 To be announced 18.00 To be announced 18.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 19.00 Celebrity Fit Club USA 19.50 Movies Now The latest movie news and reviews. Featuring Ice Cube in XXX2: The Next Level; and a report on the Beverly Hills Film Festival with Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell, Robin Williams and David Duchovny in attendance.

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Featuring the voice of Graham Norton. 19.40 Animation Nation Shorts 20.40 The O U Lecture 21.40 Hitler: The Discussion 22.10 Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out 22.35 Animation Nation 23.35 Days That Shook the World (Archduke Ferdinand/Hitler's Suicide) Programme exploring those Scottish indie rockers and their involvement with the Nazi Party. Features exclusive footage of Alex Kapranos as a baby in Vienna, watched over by his loving Godfather, Adolf.

24.35 The O U Lecture 01.35 Hitler: The Discussion 02.05 Animation Nation 03.05 Days That Shook the World The day TV desk got home in time for GCSE Bitesize 04.05 Close

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Transworld Sport 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am T4 9:25am T4: hit40uk 10:00am T4: Playing It Straight 11:05am Friends 11:45am T4 Movie Special: Hitch-hikers guide to the Galaxy 12:30pm Pure T4 1:00pm Point Pleasant 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:00pm Relocation, Relocation 5:00pm Property Ladder 6:00pm Morgan and Platell 6:30pm Channel 4 News 7:00pm Journey to the Centre of the Earth Hot, very hot. And long. I’d say it’d take about 14 hours if you follow the motorway.

9:00pm FILM Well that’s jolly nice, you want to tell us what film eh? Makes my life easier you know.

11:25pm TBA Bunch of indecisive cunts tonight aren’t you?

12:35am 4 Music: Empire Square: Richie Sells His Arse on ebay Kids used to get paper-rounds to make money now they sell their virginity online. Richie is about to find out exactly what his innocence is worth. Answer: about £3.75.12:40am 4 Music: Napster Live 12:55am 4MUSIC: Joss Stone Hits New York ‘Cause she’s like so urban man, like you can tell she’s really feelin’ it. Jeez, she doesn’t even wear shoes - mental! 1:50am 4Music: Morcheeba 2:00am 4Music: Popworld With performances from Faith Evans, Lil Jon and Freefaller and interviews with El Presidente and Willy Mason.

2:50am 4Music: hit40uk 3:15am 4Music: Empire Square 3:20am TBA 4:30am No 57: The History of a House 5:25am Cuntdown

2:00pm Switched 2:25pm hit40uk 2:50pm Hollyoaks Zara is horrified when her article on Jez is published after she told the printers to cancel it.

Eurgh, why does Zara have such an arse for a face? EVERY single scene she’s in, she destroys with her screwed up expression, front teeth on display in eternal disgust. Tom won't go to school until he gets a dog. Tom on the other hand is completely adorable, such a top actor!

5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm TBA Testicular Bubbles Ache 6:30pm TBA Turnip Breath Alert 7:00pm Smallville 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Playing It Straight 10:00pm Average Joe 11:00pm TBA Too Big Anus 11:30pm Father Ted 12:00am Father Ted 12:30am Porn: A Family Business 1:00am hit40uk 1:30am Playing It Straight 2:30am Average Joe 3:30am Line of Fire 4:00am Close

Rex The Runt BBC4 7.30pm

06.00 Sunrise 06.55 Bear in the Big Blue House Hmmm, is that what they call it these days eh? Filth. 07.20 Milkshake!

07.25 Ebb and Flo Go the tides.

07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Rolie Polie Olie 08.30 Franklin 09.00 George Shrinks Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, flange, fill, fill, fill, fill, wank, fill.

09.30 Beyblade 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 10.55 RAD - The Groms Tour America 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.35 Film: Sword of the Valiant (1982, Adventure) 15.30 Film: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure (1985, Comedy) WOW!!!! What a film! Sorry, I’ve just bought shares in the exclamation mark! Can’t believe this was 1985. Can’t believe kids at uni in September were born in 1988 - yikes. I feel positively veteran. 17.10 Charmed 18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 18.50 Film: "Three Men and a Baby" (1987, Comedy) 20.45 five news 21.10 CSI:NY 22.10 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.05 To be announced This sounds good, definitely stay in for this, I hear it’s smashing.

00.00 PartyPoker.com World Open Argh, Jesus it’s 2am and I’m still here. Woop.

01.30 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 02.10 Film: "Blind Vision" (1990, Thriller) 03.35 Sunset Beach 04.20 The Invaders 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters So, who’s going to vote for Mr Beanie, in the UK Beanie Party in this year’s General Elections?

I’m certainly tempted.

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6.00 GMTV. 9.25 MOM. 11.30 cd:uk. 12.30 ITV News; Weather. 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

12.40 San Marino GP2. 1.10 Planet's Funniest Animals. This week the meerkat battles it out with the rare and sometimes vicious Doyle. 1.30 Barbara.

Sisters 2.00 Quincy, ME. Bitter Pill 3.00 Midsomer Murders.

5.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 5.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather. 5.30 Hit Me Baby One More Time.

6.30 Celebrity Wrestling.

Saturday nights in just reached an all time low.

7.45 Celebrity Stitch Up. Did I just say Saturday night TV had reached an all time low? Well this is lower. This is fucking your mum, eating from the toilet bowl, Maroon 5-loving low.

8.15 Hit Me Baby One More Time Results.

8.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Ooh, I get my brand-spanking new hi-fi tomorrow with Digital Radio, ever so exciting. It’s currently in the depot in Splott but I’m too scared to pick it up from there as last time I visited the area I got asked for a gang bang by a group of prepubescent runts.

Eurgh.

9.35 Hell's Kitchen. A kitchen full of cauliflower, mushrooms, strawberry icecream, baked beans, tripe and assortments of boiled offal. Eurgh.

11.05 ITV News. 11.20 FILM: Chaplin. (1992, Biopic) 1.45 The Magnificent Seven.

Manhunt 2.30 cd:uk. 3.20 Entertainment Now! 3.45 Ja Rule in Profile. 4.10 Mixmasters. 4.35 Cybernet.

5.00 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

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19.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three Zoe Ball catches up live with the dancers, judges and celebrity fans, fresh from the BBC1 main show as the couples wait to hear who the British public want out of the competition.

Rewind there a bit - Zoe Ball?

Who the hell?

19.45 Doctor Who Confidential (The Daleks) Simon Pegg narrates a behind-the-scenes look at the new series of Doctor Who, following the production team, writers and cast as they bring the Time Lord back to the screen. Trundling tanks of terror, armed with a sucker, a ray gun and a really bad attitude - it can only be the Daleks. Woop.

20.15 Farscape 21.00 The Real Little Britain 22.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 22.20 Film: Red Corner (1997, Thriller) 00.15 Doctor Who 01.00 Doctor Who Confidential 01.30 Surviving the Wave: a Thailand Story 02.25 Essential Top 50 The ultimate guide to popular culture.

03.25 The Heckler

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:00 Weekend 24. 10:00 Saturday Kitchen. 11:30 Ever Wondered about Food. Cheese. Chef Paul Merrett tackles some classic cheese recipes and reveals the scientific secrets of their success. He gives an Italian twist on the cheese fondue, the science behind making a great sauce to give an ultimate macaroni cheese, and what happens to ricotta when used for a cheesecake. We see how processed cheese revolutionised the lunchbox, why we associate port with stilton and find out why artisan cheese has become so popular. Yum, yum, yum this is gonna be yum. I love cheese I do. 12:00pm: World Snooker Championship. 12:50 See Hear. 1:35 Talking Movies.

2:00 FILM: The Nun's Story.

(1959) 4:30 Escape to the Country. 5:30 Newsnight Saturday.

6:00 Flog It! 7:00 Private Life of a Masterpiece.

7:50 The Nazis: A Warning from History.

8:40 World Snooker Championship.

10:20 Have I Got News for You. 10:50 The Apprentice.

11:40 FILM: The Real Blonde.

(1997) Underrated film starring TV Katie and TV Grace in a satirical insight into the life of the modern day whore. 1:20am: Joins BBC News 24. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Blue Haven. 2:30 The Information Society. 3:00 Risk. 3:30 The Nature of Impacts and Their Impacts on Nature. 4:00 The Challenge. 4:30 The Next Big Thing. Defying Death. 5:00 Truth Will Out. 5:15 Hollywood Science. 5:30 Ever Wondered?

Constantly my friend.

M a k e Way For Noddy five 7.40am

Your Union

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles.

6:20 Tikkabilla.6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes. 7:05 Tom and Jerry Kids. 7:30 Dennis the Menace. 7:55 Watch My Chops. 8:15 The Mummy. 8:35 The Fairly Odd Parents. 9:00 The Saturday Show. 10:30 Dance Factory. 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday. 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather. 12:10 Football Focus. 1:00 Grandstand. 1:05 World Snooker Championship. 2:45 Around the Grounds. 2:50 World Snooker Championship.

3:45 Football Half-Times. 3:50 World Snooker Championship.

4:30 Final Score. 5:10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather.

5:30 Just for Laughs. My Thursday evenings up at gair rhdd towers. Purely for shits and giggles, honestly.

6:00 Strictly Dance Fever.

7:00 Doctor Who. Only watchable for its Cardiff street spotting joy, and to spot my mate as an extra.

7:45 The National Lottery 8:35 Casualty.

9:25 Strictly Dance Fever.

9:55 BBC News; Weather.

10:20 Match of the Day. 11:40 FILM: Critters. (1986) Hilarity and horror ensue when toothy, carnivorous aliens escape from their space prison, pursued by two merciless bounty hunters. When they reach the Kansas farmhouse of an allAmerican family, the humans do everything they can to fend off the critters, but they cannot free themselves of the ferocious outsiders. Professional TV Editor’s words and not mine. Humph.

1:05am: A Question of Sport.

1:35 Top of the Pops. TV John is officially TOTP following TV Katie’s definitive music quiz last week. I predict a top career at a successful record store. 2:05 Joins BBC News 24.

Funniest Animals ITV1 12.40am

PRIMETIME

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs: Hoozleberry Blues 06:35 The Hoobs: Sir Iverlot 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Time Team: Castleford 09:50 Scrapheap Challenge USA Special 11:20 Nokia Urban Music Festival With Prince’s Trust 12:20 Point Pleasant 13:10 The O.C. 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 15:55 Robinson Crusoe 16:55 Party Election Broadcast: The Conservative Party 17:00 Newyddian 17:10 Y Clwb Rygbi 19:25 Darllediad Etholiadol: Y Blaid Geidwadol 19:30 Newyddion A Chwaraeon “Oh my god I can’t believe it, I’ve never been in this office so long.” Ricky Kaiser Chiefs has re-penned his smash hit, just for gair rhydd’s hard sloggers still in the office at 3am. 19:45 Tipyn O Stad 20:15 Noson Lawen 21:15 The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring 00:30 Quest For The Ring 00:55 The 100 Greatest Kids TV Shows 04:25 Empire Square 04:30 KOTV 05:00 Close

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Sunday

Page 36

April 25 - May 1 2005

twomonkeys@computerliteracy.com

STUDENT SAVER

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19.00 Doctor Who Still can’t get over the Queens Arcade as a tubestop. 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Secret Life of the Shop Every night, he gets together with the rest of his shop friends and they gamble away their contents. It kinda explains why Cardiff never looks quite the same at night. Last week, Fopp won half of the mens department from both Next and Topshop. 22.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Basically this is another one of those shows that gives us the insight we always wanted into the lives of shit parents and their fucking annoying kids. The parents look wasted and the kids feast on chips and shite and fight over who gets to lick out the bowl. (the toilet bowl that is). 23.30 Swiss Toni 0.00 Spendaholics 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Secret Life of the Shop 02.55 Spendaholics 03.55 Close

6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby-Doo? The numerous monkies strutting their plumages around the office. No respect these young ‘uns. 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Past Times 11:30 Home Front in the Garden 12:00 Bill's Food Now if the vicar of Dibley was here she’d be claiming it’s not Bill’s, it’s hers.

But she’s too obese to move her fat arse off her chair so she’s not allowed to say anything. 12:30 Andes to Amazon 13:20 Sunday Grandstand 13:25 Shanghai Feature The Communist McDonalds is the feature of today’s show. Every burger is equal and there are no managers. I wonder if they get those fucking annoying chavs loitering around outside of McDonalds in China. Answers on a postcard.

13:40 Chinese Motorcycle Grand Prix 14:50 World Snooker Championship Final 17:45 Party Election Broadcast by the Liberal Democrats Much like voting for the yellows, this programme is a wasted 5 mins.

17:50 Gardeners' World 18:20 Natural World 19:10 Timewatch The office currently has some Australian wank screaming over the airwaves. And News Desk is touching me suggestively. Mmm...nice.

20:00 World Snooker Championship Final 22:30 Match of the Day 2 23:20 Rugby Special 0:10 FILM: Coupe de Ville (1990) 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Money Matters: Money Matters 03:00 Money Matters 04:00 Money Matters Jobs Desk is reminding me of the finer points of the Inland Revenue. It doesn’t get much better than this kids.

05:00 Money Matters but not if you’re a student.

6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 9.25 The Championship 10.30 Waterfront 11.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather. Election 2005 - The Debates 11.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.00 Animal 24/7 12.30 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 1.00 Creature Comforts 1.20 FILM: The Great St Trinian's Train Robbery (1966) 15.00 World Rally Championship 16.00 FILM: Turner and Hooch (1989) 17.50 The Unforgettable Benny Hill Now I could use that classic, ‘who?’ but that’s rather tired. We were having a dicussion in the office: if you hate black people, you’re racist, if you hate women, you’re sexist. So, if you hate the Pope, does that make you Papist? Hmm, I might write off to the Vatican to see what they think. (The address, if you want to write your own letter is: The Pope, The Vatican, 11 Heretic St., Rome, Italy).

18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast The fun game we’re playing this week is: guess when the BNP broadcast is. I’ve been reliably informed there’s a tramp moaning about the country while a jovial folk band sing, ‘send the buggers back’.

19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 William and Mary 22.00 Hell's Kitchen 23.00 ITV News 23.05 The South Bank Show 0.15 The Village People 0.40 Faith and Music 01.20 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.10 Nicole Kidman Is The Interpreter 02.30 Trisha 3.25 Loose Women

P R I M E T I M E

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6:00 Breakfast 8:10 Match of the Day 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:30 Countryfile 12:00 The Politics Show 13:00 Bargain Hunt 13:45 Keeping Up Appearances 14:15 The Father Dowling Mysteries The Catholic priest extraordinaire discusses the rumours surrounding the recent death of Jean-Claude II. Many people have pointed out that the old Pope seemed dead years ago and was actually being supported on strings for the final five years of his ‘life’.

15:00 EastEnders 16:55 Points of View 17:10 Songs of Praise 17:45 Holiday 10 Best Blackpool, The Gower, Crediton, Magaluf, Barry Island, Rome, Isle Of Wight, Schwarzewald, Leeds, Cardiff.

18:25 Last of the Summer Wine 18:55 Antiques Roadshow 19:40 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:10 FILM: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) Finally, Indiana Jones without the adverts.

The bit with the boy in the cage being lowered into a pit of fire used to scare the shit out of me. And that guy who could pull your heart out of your chest.

Second thoughts, I might give this one a miss.

22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:20 FILM: The Jackal (1997) Doyle the predator returns in this critically acclaimed black comedy.

Using his Papa Lazarou style charm, he manages to make many women his wife...

0:15 The Sky at Night 0:40 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 CD:UK 10.25 Celebrity Wrestling 11.25 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On Kirsten Dunst takes on the female cast of The O.C in a ‘you go girl’ fight to the death. I’m pretty sure the Rock makes an appearance at some point too.

By they way, don’t go and see Be Cool cos it’s shite. 12.25 American Idol 13.15 American Idol 13.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.00 Celebrity Wrestling 20.00 American Idol 20.50 American Idol 21.20 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover: Celebrities Exposed Writing ‘you’re dumped’ on your penis then asking your soon to be exgirlfriend to suck you off. The person who suggested this idea will remain nameless but let’s hope he isn’t talking from experience. 22.20 Movies Now 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 0.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.00 Footballers' Wives TV 01.30 Million Dollar Babes 02.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 02.50 Teleshopping 04.50 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 Rex the Runt 19.10 Wildlife Special: Tiger 20.00 National Trust: The Beatles, Chapter 1 *Spoiler* In chapter twenty six John and Yoko have a tearjerking argument leading to the whole marriage and bed incident. Don’t ask me how LSD works. Ask Doyle. 21.00 The National Trust 22.00 Wallace and Gromit: The Wrong Trousers This is probably the only show on BBC4 worth watching. Don’t be all proud and ‘cool’ and claim you don’t like that penguin with the glove on his head. Talking of wrong trousers, ever since my trend setting double-knee ripped jeans, everyone keeps trying to copy me. This week it’s the turn of Robehmed (or Robin Hood to his mates). 22.30 The Late Show Special Doyle is currently trying is hardest to get it on with Robbermed monkey. Little does he know of Captain Winky.

23.20 Triumph of the Will 01.05 The Guernica Children or my favourite, the Guernice chicken. 01.45 National Trust: The Beatles, Chapter 1 02.45 The National Trust 03.45 Close

Late Show Special BBC4 10.30pm

6:10 The Hoobs: Yee Haw! 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football 7:30 British Superbikes 8:00 World Superbikes 2005 8:25 VEE-TV 8:55 T4: Popworld The Riddler is wandering around the office in a drunken stupor after necking a double JD and coke.

And you’d think it’s the green leotard that makes him look like a twat. 9:55 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:20 T4: The Morning After Show That guy off Popworld hosts this new downwith-the-kids show. This week, in a stroke of comedy genius, Simon chooses a member of the ‘cooler than thou’ indie audience to shear his enormous hair. 13:25 Channel 4 Racing 15:35 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 16:35 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 17:30 TBA Editor Gary has reliably informed me that, for these precious two hours, the TBA is ‘A Short History of Exeter City Football Club’. If it is, my TV is going out the window.

19:30 Channel 4 News 19:55 Party Election Broadcast Come on the BNP (not in the literal sense). Are you thinking what we’re thinking? Yup, the election is pointless.

Vote TV Desk in. We’ll sort the place out.

20:00 100 Greatest Musicals If Grease wins, I’m going home.

0:00 TBA 01:00 KOTV 01:30 British Superbikes 02:30 Scraphead Challenge USA 03:25 What Would Jesus Drive?

John: Christler, Geordie: Smartcar, Manners: pink Cadalac, Jobs: Nissan Micra, VW Lupo. 04:25 No. 57: The History Of A House Some lazy builders worked for months on a shoddy construction site. Then they realised they were in Sheffield. 05:25 Countdown 99..98...97...98...96...94...92...

14:00 Nokia Urben Music Festival With The Prince’s Trust 2005 14:30 Nokia Urben Music Festival With The Prince’s Trust 2005 I was near Earl’s Court when this musical feast was taking place. Sometimes I wish I was a gangster and could wear bike chains around my neck.

15:00 Average Joe 16:00 The Next Joe Millionaire 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 The O.C. 19:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 20:00 Scrubs I’ve realised the only thing myself and the News monkey have in common is our undying, gut-wrenching, heartwarming love of Dawson and his creek. Oh yes, series 3 just found it’s way into my eager arms and it’s fucking superb.

Nothing can beat the first time you hear ‘I don’t wanna wait’ screeched out by that warbling woman. Brings a tear to my eye.

20:30 Scrubs 21:00 ER 22:00 Desperate Housewives 23:00 Scrubs 23:30 Scrubs 0:00 TBA 12:30 Playing It Straight 01:30 The O.C. 02:30 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 03:20 ER 04:00 Close

6.00 Softies 6.05 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 6.30 Franny's Feet 6.40 Oswald 6.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 7.15 Milkshake! 7.20 Ebb and Flo 7.30 Funky Valley 7.35 Make Way for Noddy 7.50 Rolie Polie Olie 8.20 Franklin 8.50 George Shrinks every time he sees naked fat people. 9.20 The Secret of Eel Island 9.40 Aliens among Us It’s bold of five to show educational shows for kids about the new Pope. Don’t worry, one day this whole Pope thing will grow old, but as of yet, it’s the most amusing thing I can think of. 9.55 Don't Blame the Koalas for world poverty, news monkeys, the Kaiser Chiefs, broken minidiscs, global warming, Kasabian, the Pope.

10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Snobs 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 Rooted 12.35 Divine Designs 13.05 five news update 13.15 Film: Robinson Crusoe (1996) 15.00 Film: Camelot (1967) 18.10 five news 18.20 Party Election Broadcast by the Liberal Democrats The most positive comment we have on the yellows so far is that they are ‘nice people’. Vote for them if you will.

18.25 Film: Hercules In the Underworld (1994) 20.00 Joey I finally watched an episode of this and I can conclude, it is utter shite. I’m too disappointed to make any constructive criticism.

20.30 Two and a Half Men 21.00 Film: Executive Decision (1996) 23.35 World's Wildest Police Videos 24.30 PartyPoker.com World Open 01.50 Major League Baseball Live 04.35 Portuguese Football (Estoril v Benfica)

P R I M E T I M E

Mysteries BBC1 2.15pm

Doctor Who BBC3 7pm

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Heartbeat ITV1 8pm

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ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 Father Dowling

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: French Cup Final 7:30 World Superbikes 2005 8:00 Bennetts British Superbikes 8:25 VEE TV 08:55 Hollyoaks 9:25 Hollyoaks 9:55 Hollyoaks 10:30 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Yr Wythnos 12:00 Maniffesto 12:30 Rownd A Rownd 12:55 Rownd A Rownd 13:25 Channel 4 Racing from Newmarket and Salisbury 15:30 Dudley 16:00 Cwpwrdd Dillad 16:30 04 Wal 17:00 Hip Neu Sgip? 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws Don’t worry, I’ve got no fucking idea what they’re talking about either. 19:30 Rhwng Duw A Dyn 20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20:30 Cefn Gwlad 21:00 Amdani 21:55 Darllediad Etholi adol: Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol 22:00 Newyddion 22:15 Tipyn O Stad 22:45 Party Election Broadcast: The Liberal Democrats 22:50 FILM: The Firm (1993) 01:35 Cathouse 02:40 FILM: Cold Blooded (1995) 04:15 Morgan & Patell 4:40 Diwedd/Close

Five Minute Fun

April 25 2005

Page 37

fiveminutefun@gairrhydd.com

The Big Quiz* * Bigger than The Stub, smaller than The Dong, fatter than The Pencil, thinner than The Girth, straighter than The Banana... and probably funnier than this in-joke.

1. Who needs guitars anyway?

A: B: C: D: E: F:

A: Pope John Paul I B: The husband of comedy ‘fat woman’ Roseanne C: Ashton Kutcher’s stunt double when filming various episodes of hit MTV prank show Punk’d D: Second US President, John Adams E: John Prescott 4. Where was the 1970 World Cup Final held?

Dire Straits Celebrity Chef Gar y Rhodes Whooaaaaa, Na na na na na... Kaiser Chiefs John Prescott Not Alice Deejay Ghandi

Fact me till I fart Because it would be downright rude not to

3. John Goodman rose to fame as....

A: Monkey Cage, London Zoo B: John Prescott C: Within the boundaries of Norman Lamont’s eyebrows D: Retired Plummer Tony Platt’s garden in Dumfries E: The Azteca Stadium, Mexico City

2. Who is the new VC of Durham University?

A: Colonel Muammar Gaddafi of ‘Syrian leadership’ fame

Answer Zone: 1.E, 2.C, 3.B, 4.E

?

B: The entire population of Monsaraz of ‘Small town in Por tugal’ fame C: Bill Br yson of ‘Books’ fame D: Mark E. Smith of ‘The Fall’ fame E: John Prescott

1) The equivalent of 150,000 mega-watts of energy can be made by throwing a bunny into a blender.

2) The original use of the beard was to warn sailors of the impending threat of other, more threatening, sailors.

3) Contemporary popsters ‘Chas and Dave’ are actually a trio comprised of three women nicknamed ‘Jesus’.

4) Before Mr Michael Angelo got his own way, the ceiling of the Cistine Chapel was covered by a painting of Christine and Neil Hamilton.

5) Running for three days straight will burn off the equivalent of fifteen characters from Dallas.

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Hi guys, this week’s Five Minute Fun is brought to you by celebrity guest editor TV Willy, or muggins as he is known to his colleagues up here at GR towers. Normally my idiotic musings are resigned to the journalistic spectacular that is TV Desk but, like an editorial Phil Neville, I can play anywhere (although I’m not that good). First things first then: the winner of the last crossword is the delightfully named Siobhan Gee who, as ever, wins a lovely meal for two at the Dalchini. The celebrity she would least like to kiss is Jackie Stallone. who, coincidentally, is the mother of the celebrity I have kissed the most . Ah well. Have I written enough yet? No? Well in that case don’t forget to eat lots of fruit and practice your grammar. Hugs and kisses,

Tv Willy

in the event of a tie . . .

if i were a fruit i would be a ... because

Six Degrees of...

This week: a rogue footballers’ special. Can you connect these six soccer bad boys? Extra points for the offence they commited.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ The fruit you harbour inner desires to manifest yourself as: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: Tony Adams (drink-driving) to Jermain Pennant (ditto) via Arsenal to Robbie Savage (general twattery) via Birmingham to Craig Bellamy (calling his manager a liar) via Wales to Kieron Dyer (fighting/weeing in an alley) via Newcastle to Lee Bowyer (pretty much everything bad about modern football) again via Newcastle United

Letters

Page 38

April 25 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

The gair rhydd letters page Alas, a year of Letters Desk comes to an end for me this issue. It’s been a year of up and downs, but it’s been fun. I would like to thank everyone who has written in: I’ve enjoyed reading all your comments, however deranged, peculiar and politically incorrect. Please treat the next editor of Letters Desk as nicely as you’ve treated me and do just as good a job as you’ve done in the last 12 months. Good night and God bless. Perri

‘Proper’ politics Dear gair rhydd, In response to Chris Ankers’ letter in the March 14 edition, I would like to question his commitment to the ‘proper’ political discussion that he complains young people are being denied. In said letter he bemoans the lack of serious issues discussed in Carrie Farwell’s column, such as why people should vote for a particular political party. Fair point, you may think, and fairly answered by gair rhydd in so much as Carrie’s column is an opinion page, and therefore is under no obligation to do so. However, after the first paragraph of his letter, things go downhill.

He proceeds to make jokes at the expense of the Welsh football team and their fans, lament government policy (without ‘proper’ issues, proposals or facts being given), and then reduces a Liberal Democrat candidate’s worth to that of a lust object to be ogled on her website. So far, so good, Chris. Football, random moaning on obscure legislation and internet porn. Serious. And indeed, ‘proper’.

Perhaps if the young people who you are so concerned about were not subjected to so much spin and PR, of which you are contributing by yourself neglecting the facts in favour of trying to be funny, or cool, or both, then they would be able to see the facts much more clearly. The problem is, as demonstrated in the Commons recently in the frankly disgraceful scenes that were meant to constitute a ‘proper’ discussion on a crucial point of legislature (the human rights of detainees), politics in this age is

simply no longer about issues and the discussion of them. People like Mr Ankers rule the roost, those who are happy to reduce politics to a popularity contest, instead of the search for a better society through rational, informed debate and the discussion of the ‘proper’ points so hypocritically omitted by Chris in his letter.

Maybe I’m overreacting to this.

Maybe I have taken a letter attempting to raise an issue in a light-hearted manner and read too deep. If this is the case, then apologies, and all power to Chris. But in all honesty, if you are going to say something about which you purport to care, at least have the decency to know what you’re talking about, and mean it.

Yours properly, The Miskin Five

Cornish pasting Dear gair rhydd, I am really not the sort of person who writes letters, but John Tuscany’s side of the debate in the last issue of Quench made me furious enough to bother. Never have I heard such discriminatory, ignorant, racist and downright incorrect comments made about us Cornish.

Lianne

Thank you for refilling tsunami funds Dear gair rhydd, On behalf of Redeem, the mobile phone and printer cartridge recycling company, I would like to say a heart-

Who funded the ‘Yes’ campaign? gair rhydd reader quizzes President Dear gair rhydd, I was recently surprised by the onesided nature of the debate over the disaffiliation of Cardiff Union from the NUS. It seems though, that this is somewhat engineered. I refer to the fact that the ‘Yes’ campaign was funded from the contingency budget of the Students’ Union.

In the same week that the European Union Parliament was harangued for funding an informative campaign about the new European Constitution, it seems entirely inappropriate to me that the Union’s officers should be allowed to fund their own campaign out of funds derived from students’ pockets. felt thank you to everyone who has given their support to our recent Tsunami Recycling Appeal. gair rhydd readers have helped us to raise over £5,000 for the Disasters Emergency Committee’s Tsunami Earthquake Appeal. Those who donated were one of over 100 companies and more than 1,900 individuals who helped out the appeal.

We asked the public to send us their old mobile phones and empty printer cartridges to be recycled and in return we pledged to give money to the DEC. We are delighted with the response so far, with our total currently standing at £4,300 and as a company deeply committed to its charity work, we have contributed a further £700.

This money will go to areas affected by the disaster via the DEC’s member agencies, with the DEC ensuring it reaches those who need it most.

The Disasters Emergency Committee is appealing for outstanding donations to be banked, so if you requested a freepost bag to donate a mobile or cartridge, please endeavour to return it as soon as possible.

Although the Tsunami Recycling Appeal is coming to a close, there’s still plenty of opportunity to help charity and the environment through

letter of the week

Dear gair rhydd, Andrew Rennison’s article in the last issue of gair rhydd about the necessity of thought when voting is completely undermined by the bigoted opinions he openly espouses.

“To avoid controversially suggesting sexual inferiority, I will withhold this person’s gender, though I will say that she sounded

like a right chav.” Is he trying to be witty? He deliberately introduces the notion of sexual inferiority before identifying the speaker’s sex, thus implying that he feels women to be inferior. He then insults this person on the basis of class, deduced from the accent he hears.

Does he really believe that women who have regional accents have no constructive thoughts, political or otherwise? Whilst the speaker’s comments clearly indicate a certain difficulty in understanding the nature of democracy,

recycling. Why not recycle to raise funds for one of our other partner charities? Many of the UK’s charities felt an impact on their funds when public attention was diverted to the tsunami disaster - so now’s your chance to help them out.

Our partners include Marie Curie Cancer Care, Royal National Institute of the Blind, Children’s Hospice Association Scotland, Roy Castle Lung Cancer Foundation, Northern Ireland Hospice Care and the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds.

Whether you want to make a oneoff mobile phone or cartridge donation, or you want to make regular donations from your workplace (which we collect free), we’d be delighted to hear from you. All you have to do is visit www.recyclingappeal.com and choose a charity, or call 08712 50 50 50.

Thanks once again for your support.

Kindest regards, Rob Morton, Corporate Responsibility Executive, Redeem

text

to then insult this person because of their sex and class background is to reveal an ignorance that is astonishing. Perhaps Mr Rennison needs to consider the importance of equality within a democracy, as well as the benefits of having an open mind, before he attacks other people’s opinions on spurious and reprehensible grounds.

If, as I suspect, the author was trying to make joke then he failed.

Not because it was in poor taste, but simply because it wasn’t funny.

David Griffiths

totally unacceptable anywhere outside Cardiff’s Union.

Jan Kletta, First Year Medic Here follows the text of the letter I received from Gary Rees confirming the above.

Dear Jan, Thank you for your recent correspondence. The campaign was funded from the contingency budget, our funds are generated from both our University block grant and also company profits.

Yours Sincerely, Gary Rees , President

Please email your letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com

corrections and clarifications The article entitled ‘Foxy Lady’ in last issue’s Fashion pages was attributed to Ali Gratton. It was actually written by Laura Gratton.

Please note that, like all gair rhydd and Quench sections, the Letters page has a new email address.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necessarily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

07791165837

We want to see more Cooke!

Lucy, sooo sorry i missed your performance-i’m a bad housem8!

Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas. They will be available from the 4th floor of the Union.

Don’t pass on the class

I was under the impression that the Union is, in its political guise, a representative of the student body.

Yet our money is spent trying to swing the vote to the views of the Union’s officers. I think there is a wide conflict of interest that needs to be addressed; one, which has completely neglected the balance of arguments needed in such an important referendum. I think the ‘No’ campaign would have been extremely grateful of funds from the Union’s coffers.

I honestly wonder if Mr Rees believes it would have been fair to fund his own Presidential campaign with Union funds. This activity, it seems, is unique to our own small political climate and would be

Tanti auguri Noopsa TVB! I said we want more Cooke. under the gun of atilla the hun with a cinnamon bun.

Ya get meh? I don’t think ya do...

To the loo poo poo Whoever has stolen our gazebo from 55 Woodville Road please GIVE IT BACK! We miss it already & need it to revise in. We won’t be angry justreturn it soon!

Give me some god damn orange juice concentrate.

Cockbitchcockbitchmuthaf ucka I need boobs to keep me awake

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

April 25 2005

The Lloyd Grossman Photo Casebook EP.5 WEEK 2

Dr. Matthew

problempage@gairrhydd.com - “Disturbing and utterly despotic” - The Mail

Merciless Maniacal Monopoly Man. Doctor Matthew,

With money stretched thin even with the recent loan instalment, my housemates and I have been coming up with ways in which we can amuse ourselves for almost no cost.

Apart from being the best cook in the world ever, Lloyd Grossman had lots of secrets. But today, he sat down to eat and put the news on.

Moira was reporting that Phil Collins had been lost in a time vortex and had no hope of returning. She was a bit distressed, and kept swearing.

Page 39

Last Saturday night heralded in our first Monopoly night for 18 months. I now know why we haven’t played for so long.

From the outset, a certain man who shall remain anonymous played as if his very life was on the line. He bullied the rest of us mercilessly – even to the point that he would force us to mortgage all our properties so we could pay him, instead of surrendering them to him.

Angered with this, the rest of us pooled our resources with the result of him finishing 3rd.

Having said finished however, we didn’t quite get there. I think we called it a day when he put hotels on most of his properties and then landed on a hotelled Mayfair, which luckily the alliance held.

Unfortunately he hasn’t spoken to us since, and has made the atmosphere in the house decidedly uncomfortable.

What SHOULD we have done Matt, so we know for next time?

Anon

The only problem I’ve ever had with Monopoly is that I’m always the iron. Jesus. They might have well put a dog shit in there – a little pewter dog shit with a little pewter fly attached to it; they have just as much cultural status. In fact the unassuming dog shit is probably far more iconic than a frankly weird implement that some folks might use to make clothes flat.

Which reminds me: I don’t know if you’ve taken a trip down Woodville Road recently, but someone’s got their dog on the loose and the thing appears beset with frightful diarrhoea. If I see it I’ll kick its face off and then knife the owner.

It’s interesting to note that you didn’t officially finish the game. To my knowledge not a single game of Monopoly has ever been completed; not wholly anyway – not until the last person owns everything on the board.

It might be a little wily – a little dynamic, even – to suggest, but I’d take a professional estimate at the odds of a complete and wholly universal implosion should a human actually finish the game (2-1).

It seems that Monopoly appeals to everyone because, in simple terms, a distant race of space-faring AI made it, unwittingly yet kindly inventing capitalism for us. Ever since then we’ve

been burning children and buying mobile phones, then waving them 50cm away from our heads (tutting and groaning and screaming ‘WORK YOU PIG’) in the vain hope of becoming a little more visible to a telephone mast. Sorry, but they just can’t see you if you’re in a tunnel. Or an ancient crypt.

So what you should do is challenge him to another game and then lead him to an Ultimate Monopoly Victory. You’ll have to sit all the way through – until he’s just about to put a hotel on Mayfair, and then go for a wee (might need one).

Afterwards you’ll have to quickly fashion a colossal space ship, jump four dimensions through the fabric of space (easy) and accordingly (and indeed appropriately) evade the cosmos collapsing in on itself.

If you’ve tied the subject to his chair properly he will be the last thing to get folded in half and then squished; in the process recognising how much the universe needs Monopoly but NOT Monopolising Monopoly players.

I think they should invent a Marxist version and call it "Polypoly."

Actually I don’t; that would be shit.

Matthew

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: “I’m boring (and I probably touch kids)” "Dr" Matthew, Lloyd’s favourite secret was that as well as being the best cook in the world, he was also a great marksman and was good friends with Jon Snow.

As such the two of them elected to travel back in time in a specially manufactured helicopter. It was resistant to dinosaurs and things.

Continues Next Week...

I read your page most weeks and am amazed with the wealth of problems that students in Cardiff appear to have.

From misunderstandings to bizarre sexual practices - from dirty tricks to absolutely disgusting predicaments, it seems that most of the time you probably have your work cut out for you.

I do however, understand that many of the problems sent in are in fact piss-takes, but surely there must be some real problems whose authors want a silly answer to so, that they don’t feel quite so bad about whatever is troubling them.

So if someone had had a really bad time with their friends on a night out, and didn’t think it was serious enough to really complain, they’d write you a letter and

you’d give some stupid answer and then all would be well and good.

This made me think… for quite a while.

The result of my pondering is that throughout my entire time at university I have never had a single problem which has given me cause for concern. So I have started to wonder if I have got enough out of my time here, as surely one can only have a problem if you have actually done something to cause it.

This made me think even harder... for even longer this time, and I have finally realised that in fact, I have done almost nothing in the last three years apart from occasionally go out to sit in a pub and discuss things or play on my computer.

At last I have a problem!

I am very boring...

So here it is Matt, a plea to you for a serious answer. Let’s see what you can really do if given the material to construct a proper, honest answer. Hey, it might even convince me that you’re not a cynical bastard and that maybe you do have a heart. Or a soul. So here you go.

What can I do in the next two months which I can look back on in years to come and say: "I did that and it was undeniably fucking great"?

Yours hopefully,

Rumours.

Are naughty. They can hurt people and sometimes can hurt little animals. I sometimes use them but not very often because now and again they make you get poorly or punched on the head.

Here is an example: When I was younger I asked why bees were yellow and black. I was told that once upon a time a postmodernist called ‘Clive the Supernatural Being’ thought that flies were pretty passé, and wanted something to gobble them, attack them for no good reason, or just ignore them so that they might leave, having died a social death. I was then told that he tied a lot of flies to a piece of cardboard and put some masking tape on them, so that they could be spray painted yellow in a stripey pattern. Then he injected loads of…fat things…into them and they turned into bees.

This, come to think of it, wasn’t especially true.

Now and again I wonder if rumours cause any other problems. So you know, if you go in a toilet and spend a little time there; have a poo – things like that – then go back to your designated table, people start saying you’re bulimic.

Then this other time there was a ‘Papal’ election to find a pope. I didn’t know why it was called a ‘Papal’ election when they were trying to elect a ‘pope’. Then someone I know started this rumour that it was called ‘Papal’ because ‘Popal’ would evoke comparisons to this chap called ‘Pol-pot’; even if it made much more sense to say it. Then, someone else took a little over seven hours to convince me that it was called a ‘Papal’ election because by naming it this more people would sign up to the Internet Auction Website "www.Ebay.com" and get a ‘Pay Pal’ account. Apparently a major credit card fraud then appeared and laughed at everyone, then ran away with an ISO account having eaten most of the ATMs it could find.

So that’s why rumours are naughty.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Voting?

0800-I SEE.

A very worried, needy and bored third year.

Who for?

0800-I SEE.

Cut out this page (carefully, thanks) and stick it on your wall.

Why them?

0800-I SEE...

Matt

Exams, essays and dissertations are being thrown around bedrooms and computer rooms and libraries across Cardiff. But they also make for great problems - so if there’s a theory you can’t quite understand, or an essay question that’s hard to answer, send me an email.

School children?

0800-GREY AREA Ready for Karl Kennedy to die? 0800-HEARTATTACK

Free Stuff

April 25 2005

Page 41

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Meet Rita: Queen of Speed For all of you who are slumping under the pressure of all that coursework and revision, here is something to get your blood rushing and put some excitement back into your life. As of March 12 this year, Alton Towers opened its doors once again to its adoring public. This time with yet another all new attraction.

The new rollercoaster Rita, Queen of Speed (the name got many an innuendo from the press team. At least the ride wasn’t called Tracy, I suppose). On April 1, this monster of a ride opened up to the public and I was delighted when Alton Towers asked me to be one of the first to sample the thrilling ride. The first of its kind in Europe, Rita races from 0-100 kph in 2.5 seconds making it faster than any Ferrari and beating the hell out of an aeroplane takeoff. Rita can only be compared to drag car racing - hence the name: I’m told in drag car racing the cars are named after the drivers’ girlfriends. Ain’t that sweet?

Anyway, I digress. On launch, the ride pulls off at an awesome 4.7 Gs and continues with an average speed of 60

kph. Although the queues were, unsurprisingly, quite long, Rita was really worth a wait (I like a lady hard to get… ok, this bad joke has gone on far enough. I’ll stop now). When the ride first began I felt as if I had left my face behind because of the G-force and the rest of the ride passed in a flash of drops and spins. Exhilarating, to say the least.

However, Rita is not the only ride of interest in the park.

Don’t forget to check out the invigorating Nemesis, stomach-dropping Oblivion, and the only and only ‘relaxing’ rollercoaster that is Air. Another relatively new edition to the park is the slightly confusing (but fun nonetheless) Spinball Whizzer, a coaster that not only takes you over various drops and slides but spins you around at the same time. Just don’t eat beforehand.

The rollercoasters may be great feats of engineering and tests of how much G-force one human being can take, but we should never forget the littler rides. These are, by all means, just as fun when your belly wants to take a break from the big rides. The Runaway Mine Train is a little bit of excitement, generally always with a short queue. Duel is a ghost train ride with a difference. In this ride you get to fight back with your very own laser gun (my boyfriend loved it and rubbed it in for hours when his score was double that of mine, tsk). Also, if the day is warm enough, don’t forget the water rides - the Log Flume and River Rapids are classic rides you just shouldn’t miss.

I can thoroughly recommend Alton Towers as a fabulous day out for you and your mates once all the exams are fin-

The bells, the bells It is really nice to do a bit of PR for a band you have actually seen and enjoyed. I saw the Bellrays many years ago at the Reading Festival and I thought they were wonderful. So it is with great pleasure that I run this competition.

For those of you who don't know of the Bellrays, they are the real deal - sexy and intelligent, passionate and powerful all at once. Apparently listening to the Bellrays is like getting kicked in the belly by James Brown.

The Bellrays call their music ‘Maximum Rock & Soul’ - taking a nod from groups as diverse as the MC5, Parliament, Miles Davis, The Stooges, The Who, and 60s R&B. Imagine a bus full of Motown recording artists being steamrolled by Black Flag, and you have a pretty good idea of what the Bellrays sound like.

Formed over seven years ago in the Riverside area of LA, the band started out much closer to their R&B roots, with Lisa Kekaula's rich pipes and Bob Vennum's stinging guitar tones rooting the group in blues and soul.

However, with the recent addition of Tony Fate on guitar and with Vennum moving over to the bass, the Bellrays have found the perfect formula for rocking out.

Just when you thought things

couldn't possibly get any better, the band has added Doorslammer frontman ‘Hot Rod’ Todd Westover behind the kit.

Uncompromising, savvy and honest, the Bellrays do exactly what they want and don’t care about anyone else. However, I’m sure they are all lovely people, despite their intimidating stares.

This wondrous band is playing our little Barfly this Thursday (April 28) so get down there.

Doors will open at 7pm and tickets cost £7 in advance.

Or you could just answer this really easy question and win yourself one of five pairs of guest list places that I’ve managed to get my li’l mitts on.

Listening to the Bellrays is like being kicked in the belly by whom? Enter in the usual way.

Bellrays: scare with stares

ished. Even if you haven’t finished your coursework or even started your exam revision but you just want a break, this is certainly the place to take your mind off such stresses.

For more ride information and opening times visit www.altontowers.com.

And the Winner is...

Dan Worth. Well done, a Fifa Street PS2 game is winging its way to you very soon. I will contact you when your prize is ready.

Easter is all over and now we actually have to get on with some work. What a shit. Good luck with all your coursework kids, see you next week for some more commercial relief. Email me at the above address if you fancy any of the goodies on the page.

Under the sea

I’m being quite mean to you all this week. You have all this work to do and I’m shoving loads of great free things in your face. What a bitch I am.

Anyway, back to all those great things to take your mind off work and help with the procrastination. For instance, now you can catch all-new blockbusters from the comfort of this fabulous union.

If you fancy catching all the best new films in the Students’ Union simply collar your Entertainment Manager and get them to sign up to the Filmbank Network. Once part of the network the SU will be able to screen films from a selection of the hottest new titles, including The Life Aquatic, months before they are available in the shops.

As an added bonus, the good folks at Filmbank are adding The Life Aquatic - the latest masterpiece from director Wes Anderson and the team who brought you The Royal Tenenbaums - on to the NUS network on May 1, four months before its retail release and a month before it’s available on any other Filmbank network. How nice is that? Work? What work?

Featuring sub-aquatic misadventure, red Speedos, a killer shark that might or might not exist and Bill Murray in a bobble hat, The Life Aquatic clearly has all the hallmarks of a classic.

The film charts the adventures of internationally renowned oceanographer Steve Zissou, played by Murray, as he sets off to locate the mysterious, but possibly non-existent, Jaguar Shark - the beast responsible for killing his partner during the filming of a documentary. As Zisssou himself says, what better scientific reason could there be for the hunting and

killing of marine life than revenge?

Joining Zissou on board his ship, The Belafonte, are a ragtag bunch of misfits including his ex-wife, played by Anjelica Huston, a young airline pilot in the form of Owen Wilson and a beautiful journalist, played

by Cate Blanchett.

To celebrate the release of The Life Aquatic on the Filmbank network, we have some exclusive merchandise, including an official Team Zissou T-shirt, a Life Aquatic keyring and also a copy of The Royal Tenenbaums on DVD, to give away.

To win, simply put down your harpoons and answer the following question: What is the name of Team Zissou’s boat? Enter in the usual way.

Murray: look, an Oscar!

Listings

Page 42

April 25 2005

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s Cardiff listings with Muddiman, Sefton and Schmit.

Easter’s over. The Crown Prince of Monaco is dead. The world has changed.

Loudon

Holodeck @Clwb Ifor Bach

Wainwright III

@St. David’s Hall

Fri 29th Apr

Wed 27th Apr 8pm / £20

10pm / £8,£7,£6

I

Tom Craine Recommends

t was four years ago and Cardiff was virgin territory to me. I arrived with flushed cheeks and an all-consuming urge to sample everything that was beautiful and fine in this majestic city.

And then I found Holodeck.

Never had the trappings of youth and innocence been ripped from someone so quickly. For five or six pounds I sold my soul to Techno.

But as the features became more drawn, the smiles widened.

Holodeck was first staged in Gretsky's bar, overlooking the serenity of the skating rink. The

The Bellrays @Barfly

Thurs 28th Apr 7pm / £7

Schmit Recommends Sefton Recommends

L

oudon Wainwright III comes to Cardiff’s St David’s Hall this Wednesday as part of a European tour promoting his new album Here Come The Choppers!

(Sovereign Records), in what is likely to be one of this year’s most memorable gigs in Cardiff.

The Father of both Martha Wainwright (who, rather puzzlingly, is performing on the same night in Cardiff but at the Barfly) and the much-lauded Rufus Wainwright, Loudon himself has been rather under-appreciated given his own phenomenal talent.

Whilst Randy Newman, his close contemporary in the field of unerringly original and wryly witty songwriting, has gained exposure for his

well judged film scores, Loudon’s music has remained largely unknown to society at large.

(Though the mid-80s saw him pick up two Grammy nominations for the albums I'm Alright and More Love Songs).

And yet, much as with Mark Murphy, a jazz singer who remains a relative obscurity outside of a specialist (read ‘minority’) audience, those who know about Loudon Wainwright III know he’s right up there with the best of them.

Inspired, as so many of his generation were, by the music of Bob Dylan, Loudon’s time ploughing the singer-songwriter furrow has spanned the last five decades.

His first album, Loudon Wainwright III, was released on Atlantic Records in 1970 "and the career's been up and down ever

since", as Loudon himself puts it.

Those currently familiar with Loudon’s music will probably already be planning to take their seat at St. David’s Hall on Wednesday. Those preparing to take a chance on the unknown would be best advised to expect humour above all else.

With album titles such as 1973’s Attempted Mustache, and songs such as ‘I.W.I.W.A.L. [I Wish I Was a Lesbian]’ and ‘Rufus Is a Tit Man’ lounging in the singer’s back catalogue, and the unreleased ‘I'm Saving My Blackheads for You’ waiting to be unleashed on the general public, you can bet mirth will be sitting high on the agenda.

Loudon is supported on the UK leg of his European tour by the up and coming, London based singersongwriter, Edwina Hayes.

F

rom The MC5 to James Brown, the greatest figures in rock have always had soul. The Bellrays have shedloads of it. Lisa Kekaula is the visceral frontwoman, her rich vocals set off by the band’s blues-splashed guitar attack.

Their wide influence spectrum stretches from Parliament through Miles Davis to The Stooges and 1960s R&B, although they have moved into more R&R territory since forming late last Millennium.

To them, playing is living, and The BellRays live experience is quite something. You can make all the comparisons you want but what you have to do is hear them, see them, and feel what they do with their music. That's all they ask.

juxtaposition was perfect. While the backdrop yearned for the finesse of ice ballet, those absorbed in the relentless tribal pounding above strutted, skipped and stumbled with all the control of a pack of rabid dogs.

But the night had something. It was hard to pinpoint, but undeniable. A strange solidarity, in movement and mindset. Almost as if unless we pulled together the twisted onslaught of Techno and churning broken beats would get the better of us. The people versus dementia.

The true quality of a night is often best shown following a change of venue. This is no truer than with Holodeck as, despite relocating to Clwb Ifor Bach, the clientele has remained constant.

The topless male hedonist, who has haunted so many of my dreams over the past years, is still in residence; a lynch pin in the centre of the dance floor. But it is with such loyal followers that the success of underground music rests and so I salute him and his breed.

Friday the 29th brings Vince Watson to the Welsh club. I keenly recommend this night, but I warn you, it’s addictive.

At a BellRays show, or listening to the CD, you're all in there experiencing it together, like it or not.

Uncompromising, saavy, and honest, the Bellrays do exactly what they want and “screw everybody else”. Which is how rock 'n' roll should be, frankly.

Also on the bill are Sunshine, Hailing from the Czech Republic, and are known for their exhaustive live shows.

Necromance, their most recent release, is a dark new-wave psychedelic masterpiece reminiscent of such greats as The Cure, Gary Numan and Joy Division.

Vocalist/guitarist Kay's contorted-sonic landscapes tango with bewitching, lucid lyrics while bassist/keyboardist Amak, guitarist Jiri and drummer Daniel send volcanic pulses straight to the core of your soul.

Don’t believe me? Then look at their tour history, it speaks volumes. They have toured with At The Drive-In (with whom they’ve also released a split 12"), Murder City Devils, (International) Noise Conspiracy, …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead and Sneaker Pimps.

They also shared the main stage at summer festivals with the likes of Marilyn Manson, Asian Dub Foundation, Morcheeba and Placebo. £7 for all that on a thursday night, what more could you ask for?!

COMING UP: Little Richard - Mon 2 May @St David’s Hall - 7.30pm / £30, £40 …Queen (vocalist Paul Rodgers) - Sat 7 May @CIA … World of Fun: Harlem Globetrotters Tues 10 May @CIA … Martin Carthy, Norma Waterson, and Eliza Carthy - Wed 18 May @St David’s Hall - 8.00pm / £12.00 … Elvis Costello & The Imposters - Sun 22 May @St David’s Hall - 8.00pm / £28.50 … Mark Knopfler - Tue 24 May @CIA ... The Louis Stewart/Gilad Atzmon Quintet - Tue 24 May @St David’s Hall - 8pm / £10

Listings

April 25 2005

Page 43

listings@gairrhydd.com

Behold gair rhydd’s much loved, and very nearly reliable, day by day listings.

If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. Just pick a random event and go to it.

Monday25/04

Tuesday26/04

Wednesday27/04

Thursday28/04

Friday29/04

Saturday30/04

Sunday01/05

Venues

Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9pm and 10pm for the ledgendary double and mixer for 80p.

9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm.

Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Chocolate!

It’s all happening now at Moloko on a Monday. Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free.

Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff and Rowan. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing and singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm. £2/£ if you perform.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul & disco with Gareth Davies & Mr Potter. 7-11pm. £1 NUS. Live @Barfly Hard-Fi / Boy Kill Boy / WhoKilledFrank.

Hard-Fi are the product of a suburban West London environment; the sound of twentysomething gun-slingers on minimum wage, and weaned on the heady concrete glamour of The Stones, Dexys, Curtis Mayfield, and Happy Mondays. 7.30pm. £6 adv.

We'll Meet Again: ‘Hits from the Blitz’ @St. David’s Hall This fantastic show is back to celebrate the 60th Anniversary of V.E. Day with singalong hits from the Blitz and featuring a superb cast of comedians, musicians and singers. ‘Springtime For Hitler’, anyone? At the OAP friendly time of 2.30pm. £8.

Quality Control @Taf, Sudents’ Union Hosted by top-notch DJ Killer Tomato, featuring local guest DJs spinning hip hop, funk, breaks and drum ‘n’ bass. 9pm-2am. Free.

Fat Friday @Solus, SU It’s a revamped Lashtastic. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

Holodeck @Clwb Ifor Bach See facing page for details.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach The Dudes Rock. Led Zepplin, Boston Aerosmith, Poison, Bon Jovi, Kiss, Iron Maiden, etc. One Friday each month Clwb Ifor Bach, becomes a haven for all things ROCK! 10pm. £3.50.

Mad4It! @Barfly Join Mike TV (wasn’t he last seen trapped inside a television in a chocolate factory?) for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors, etc, etc. Yawn. 10.30pm 2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Live @Barfly Brant Bjork & The Bros / Winnebago Deal / Panel. Brant Bjork is a bona fide rock legend.

As the drummer in Kyuss, he was part of one of the most influential and well-respected rock bands of the last 20 years. Brant went on to drum for Fu Manchu, and has relased five solo albums to date. His new live incarnation are just as thrilling as any of his previous guises and it goes without saying really – this will be tres loud. 7pm. £9 adv.

Live @St. David’s Hall The 20th Anniversary Solid Silver 60s Show 2005. Fabulous. You can’t wait. Costs from £16 though so you’ll be saving up. 7.30pm.

Comedy Club@Seren Las, SU Come on, it’s got to be better than Eastenders. 8-11pm. £4 NUS. Ocean Colour Scene @Great Hall, SU Having slipped below the radar for a few years Ocean Colour Scene return in support of a brand new album, rumoured to feature a guest appearance from Liam Gallagher. £20.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Pretty much the same as Metros but with a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50.

Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Open Mic @The Toucan You know how it works.

Live @Barfly Willard Grant Conspiracy / William E Whitmore / Christopher Rees. Headed by principal songwriter and vocalist Robert Fisher, The Willard Grant Conspiracy have over 30 musicians. 7.30pm. £10 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Lucy Lemon / Final Fight / Wilcox. 6 great local live bands in total. A stormer of a line up. Make sure you get there early if you’re serious about geting in. 6pm. £4.50.

Live @St. David’s Hall Tony Hadley vs Martin Fry and ABC Premier 80’s stars. Some old and tired duffers join forces to squeeze a few more pennies out of floundering careers. 7.30pm. £18.50-£22.50.

RoundtheHorne...Revisited@New Theatre Runs ‘til the 30th April. West End hit comedy Round the Horne..Revisited visits the New Theatre for “rip-roaring fun”. 7.30pm.

Salsa @Callaghans Learn salsa. Free.

Come Play @Solus Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop, breaks, etc, in the Junction Bar. Jazz, soul, funk, and Latin in the Xpress Lounge. Sweets and stuff.

10pm-2am. £3.50 adv.

Uberalles @Barfly Expect the usual indie suspects and sweaty atmosphere. 10.30pm-2am. £3/£4 NUS. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm / £4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Live Saturday @Incognito Swiss & pals from the house circuit of Wales and the West. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool House, Escape. Until 2am.

Mind Your Head @Toucan DJ Captain Paranoid & guest MCs. Free B4 10pm / £3.50 thereafter.

Live @Barfly Nick Harper / Lone Pine. Nick Harper is a virtuoso guitarist, yet his guitar playing is only a part of his skill. As well as a distinctive and soulful voice, Nick is the kind of artist who reaffirms faith in the art of original songwriting, putting him on the crest of a new wave of British acoustic troubadours. 7pm. £7 adv.

Hooker @Chapter Arts Centre The Manchester power trio kick off their promotional UK tour at Chapter. Hooker’s short, sharp, arresting punk bursts, have secured them support slots with the cream of the indie scene: Le Tigre, The Donnas, Interpol, 50 Foot Wave, Brassy and The Gossip. 7.30pm. £5.

Samba Festival @Toucan To coincide with the Welsh Samba festival…

Bands, drummers and dancers join the party.

Right, so who else didn’t know there was a Welsh Samba Festival going on? I realise as Listings editors we should know about these things but really! C’mon samba promoters - get it together. £5.

Varsity @Bridgend The Accenture Varsity 2005 is set to be the biggest ever as thousands of Cardiff students head to Bridgend to see the might of Cardiff take on Swansea. Busfare costs £3 and run from the back of Union from 4.30pm. Tickets for the game (that starts at 7pm) are £5.

Rubber Duck @Solus, SU The Varsity Afterparty 10pm-2am £3.50/£3 adv. (£1 withVarsity ticket) Wednesday Social @The Barfly Relax, soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set. 12noon-2:30pm.

Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors.

This is the overspill. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco.

Popscene: indie. Milky Bar: electric chill out and Playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 NUS. Cheapskates @Metros Alternative & cheese. 9pm-2am.

Wednesdays @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Bread and Butter @The Toucan Night of hip hop and new beats. 10pm. £2.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm. Free.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night. 8pm-1am. Free for members /£1 NUS. Loudon Wainwright III @St. David’s Hall See facing page for details.

Martha Wainwright @Barfly The 28-year old daughter of folk legends Loudon Wainwright III and Kate McGarrigle, and sister of acclaimed singer-songwriter Rufus Wainwright is part ingénue, part punkster; strong and vulnerable all at once.

Martha plays tonight in direct competition with her father in what must be the strangest method of family touring. Johnathan Rice supports. 7.30 pm NB. This gig is sold out, if you don’t already have tickets, tough luck.

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party @Seren Las, SU Details are still being confirmed for this, the last of the year’s jazz parties from the Cardiff Student Jazz Society. Live Cuban music looks to be in the offing and based on past experience, it’ll be a corker. Make the most of it; it won’t be back until next year. 8pm. £3/£2 society members.

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU Questions.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs' end of the week. 8pm-12.30am.

No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3's and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Acoustic Cafe @Toucan Bar Open mic sessions where anyone can get up and jam or just listen. The Toucan provide the guitar and mic; you provide the talent. Hosted

by Peter and Lee, a double act based closely on the model of Turner and Hooch, I believe. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Holland's finest, Face Tomorrow’s debut album For Who You Are and follow up The Closer You Get both received critical acclaim.

But it's the intense and electrifying live shows that have got people talking. 8pm. £4.

Live @Barfly The Trip and Little Kishky present music, dancing & fun. Lights Above Cairo / Matthew Saunders (acoustic) / Niko and DJ Babybell playing music. Loudly. 7.30pm-2am. £3.

Live @St. David’s Hall Sinfonia Cymru Annual Gala Concert.

Sinfonia Cymru are joined by one of Wales’ greatest operatic tenors, Dennis O’Neill, who’ll perform a selection of arias by composers including Puccini, Verdi and Massenet. The Gala also features Welsh violinist, Chloë Hanslip, who’ll perform SaintSaëns’ Introduction and Rondo Capriccioso and Ravel’s Tzigane. 7.30. From £7.

Devious @Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Metal @Metros Er... metal. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop / drum ‘n’ bass night.

8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Sugar and Spice: Marques Houston, DJ Urban Fusion , DJ Ams @Creation A rare appearance for Creation in these pages. Don’t expect it to last. 9pm. £12.50adv.

Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul / hippy funk with The Pockets.

8pm-1am £3/£2.

Live @The Barfly The Bellrays / Sunshine / Cellar Door. See facing page for details.

The King's Consort @St. David’s Hall If you were present at the King’s Consort’s Music for the Coronation of George II last year, then this celebration of the music of Henry Purcell is a must. The opera, Dido and Aeneas, culminating in Dido’s moving Lament, is a grand and passionate drama packed into just one hour. It is heard alongside the majestic and ceremonial Ode for Queen Mary's Birthday performed by a large colourful orchestra and chorus. 7.30pm. £9.50 -£28.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Dark Chunk / Pondlife MC's. Dark Chunk play runk music which, they say, is a fusion of rock, funk and hip hop. The local band were last years winners of Glastonbury’s Unsigned Band competition, which saw them playing to over 6000 new fans in the Dance Tent. They've been holed up in the studio throughout March recording the follow up to their mini album 'Raw Runk Music'. This will be an exclusive chance for you to hear some of the new songs. 8pm £3 Live @ Jumpin Jaks The Monophonics. The stereophonics but there’s only one of them. You can also win tickets to see the real band live. 10pm.

Student’s Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Molokos, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, St Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com

“Hopefully it will be just as good, and maybe even bigger, next year.”

Spor t gair rhydd

Issue 784 25 April 2005 | Email: sport@gairrhydd.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

Fanny Hall and David Hoare, Canoe polo team, April 2005

Pedal Power

IMG Action Law A send Earth Soc out of the IMG with a narrow win Page 47

Mountain bikers take on the cream of university riders Back Page

ON SONG IN HONG KONG Men’s rugby 10s progress to semi-finals in international festival

By David Southwood Rugby Correspondent CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S men’s rugby squad prepared for Varsity with a series of encouraging performances in the Hong Kong 10s competition. The team reached the semi-finals of the Plate section, suffering just two defeats throughout the whole event.

Despite the long trip to the southern hemisphere, Cardiff ’s first game was against fellow Welsh team Wanchai Wanderers. The Wanderers, named after the infamous Hong Kong

red light district, began the brighter of the two teams, taking a lead into the half-time interval. However, the halftime team talk must have worked wonders as Cardiff ran in three second-half tries and a conversion to see out a relatively easy 17-7 win.

The second pool game was always going to be a much tougher affair against the tournament favourites Clifford Chance Aliens. Cardiff started the better team and were duly rewarded with the first try of the match. Strong defence then held out the Aliens until just before half-time when the Aliens managed to score two

converted tries.

The second half saw more of the same, with the Aliens attacking the strong Cardiff defence, but in the end, Aliens were too strong and scored two more tries to run out 26-7 winners.

Aliens went on to win the cup on the second day and this was a moral victory for Cardiff University as, apart from the final, this was probably the hardest the Aliens had to work in the two days of the tournament.

The second day of the tournament took the form of a knockout competition. Based on their results the previous day, Cardiff University went into

the second competition, the Plate. In the first round, they came up against the Glenmorangie Black Watch from Scotland. As ever, this army team contained a number of Fijian soldiers as well as the odd Scot. However, the soldiers had no answer to Cardiff University’s weapons of mass destruction, as Matt Hopper (two), Lawrence Price (two), Iain Dick and James Corless all running in tries for what turned out to be a relatively easy 40-0 victory for the students.

This put Cardiff into the semifinals where they played Barbarians de Hong Kong, a team made up of

Hong Kong, French, Kiwis and Aussie players. Cheered on by the Welsh contingent in the crowd, Cardiff held the strong Barbarians team until almost half-time, where the Barbarians’ enormous hooker was allowed to grab a try.

Cardiff fought back with an exciting individual try, but with the Barbarians enjoying some dubious refereeing decisions, Cardiff were unlucky to lose the game 12-10.

All in all, a good two days of exciting rugby for the University with their two losses being to the teams that won the Cup and Plate respectively.

Success on the dock of the bay

CHARM OFFENSIVE

Canoe polo team mark home tournament with a win

THE CARDIFF University Snakecharmers competition-cheerleading squad returned victorious after a highly successful weekend at the British Cheerleading Association (BCA) University Competition in Reading.

Competing among some of the best university squads in Britain, the Uni Comp is unique within British cheerleading as each squad is required to be affiliated directly with a university. As one of the highlights of the cheerleading calendar, this competition gave the Snakecharmers the opportunity to prove their talents, performing in front of large crowds at Reading’s Rivermead leisure complex.

Cardiff performed exceptionally well in their debut entry in the competition, taking away second place in the Senior Intermediate Cheer category. The squad was thrilled with their much-deserved trophy after all of their hard work this year.

By Fanny Hall and David Hoare Canoeing Correspondents THE UNIVERSITY’S canoe polo team had a successful weekend in Cardiff Bay over the Easter break, as the men’s team recorded a victory in Cardiff’s home event.

The two-day event, attracting teams from a number of British universities, was the biggest tournament the canoe club had ever organised, and was well attended despite the inclement weather.

25 teams from 11 universities descended on the bay to compete for glory on two specially marked pitches.

The games were hard, fast and violent, especially with the friendly rivalry between the Cardiff A and Cardiff Old Boys teams, who played each other on the second day.

In the fading light of Sunday

evening, the final of the A-league saw a repeat of the BUSA final of last year, pitting the Cardiff A team against Nottingham A. It was a hard-fought game on both sides and, as temperatures fell, the home team came out triumphant to the delight of some very cold spectators.

The final of the ladies’ event saw Cardiff ladies come up against a very fast Bath team. It was another closerun game, with tight marking and more testosterone than one might expect flying around the pitch, but eventually Bath ladies took the victory. In the Open League, London’s B-team came out on top.

Overall, it was a great success and thanks should be given to the Cardiff Bay Authorities for use of the venue.

Hopefully it will be just as good, and maybe even bigger, next year.

By Jenny Choules Cheerleading Correspondent

Sport

April 25 2005

Page 47

sport@gairrhydd.com

PHOTO: Ceri Williams

L - AW E S O M E

By Rowan Belojica IMG Correspondent LAW A will face Engin A to decide the IMG Premiership title after beating Earth Soc in a closely fought and keenly contested affair.

Goals from Fergus Houlden and ‘Stone Cold’ gave Law a two-goal advantage early in the second half before a penalty by Earth Soc defender Paul Gibson halved the deficit and created a tense closing 20 minutes.

The game was fought on an awful Pontcanna pitch which made passing the ball extremely difficult and led to many hard tackles and high balls, as both teams tried to assert their dominance in the early minutes.

Law defender Dave T hit the bar with an overhead kick and team-mate John also hit the bar with a quick free-kick that caught everyone out. For Earth Soc, Paul Tyskerud and Gio Pesani both came close with headers.

Both defences were largely on top in this period, with Al Baldwin for Earth Soc and the Law back three looking especially commanding. Goalkeeper John Jackson also made a crucial intervention to deny Houlden towards the end of an even first half.

The second half saw three early goals, including a brave effort by ‘Stone Cold’ which saw the player injured in the process and a hotly disputed penalty that was emphatically put away.

Earth Soc rallied and put lots of pressure on Law, who defended brilliantly towards the end. An effort from Tyskerud, after the Law ‘keeper had dropped a cross, rolled agonisingly wide and several crosses almost found their targets.

At the other end, Law midfielder Figo almost scored directly from a corner and Lewis Grieve forced a magnificent save from Jackson that kept Earth Soc in the game.

The matchthreatened to turn nasty in the final minutes as tempers ran high and some cynical fouls were committed, but the referee did a good job of controlling the action.

Law defeat Earth Soc to set up a final with Engin

Emerald Isle yields lacrosse jewels Cardiff lacrosse teams gain sixth title of the season in Dublinfest competition

By Kara Dowson Lacrosse Correspondent CARDIFF’S LACROSSE team continued their fine run of form with a win and a second place in the Dublinfest tournament over the Easter break. The squad’s sixth title of the season came with an impressive victory in the men’s section, while the women came runners-up behind holders Oxford in the ladies’ section.

The all-conquering club entered teams in all three competitions: ladies, mixed lacrosse, and the newly instated men’s event.

The Cardiff men’s team, calling themselves ‘Sheep, Leeks and Lax’ (SLL), started the week with a bang.

Their f irst match against UCL proved an easy task, with exhibitions of faultless lacrosse and excellent teamwork. Will Barrett contributed to the 20-1 scoreline by notching f ive goals. Defender Gareth Willis was named man-ofthe-match after scoring a superb goal with a ‘long pole’ (a six-foot long stick).

The other matches proved harder challenges for the SLL boys.

Matches against Dublin and Durham saw the team register further victories, with 5-2 scorelines in their favour. Their final match of the week saw Loughborough as their

CHAMPIONS: The men’s ‘Sheep, Leeks and Lax’ team opposition, in a game where a win would seal the tournament. After f ive outstanding goals by Steve McDermott, Cardiff stormed to victory, winning 8-3, and therefore becoming tournament champions.

SLL captain Andy Morgan commented that he was ‘over the moon with the victory’ and also reiterated that Cardiff will return to Dublin next year to defend their title but may miss key players due to their

international commitments.

The ladies’ team also had a successful week. Playing an energetic Dublin in their first match, Cardiff put up a strong fight against the home side, holding together a solid defence and putting together inventive attack play, which was seized upon by captain Vicky Peregrine who scored a hat-trick. After a close encounter, Cardiff remained steadfast and won 5-4.

Their second match proved to be an even harder contest; against tournament holders Oxford. The Cardiff ladies put up a brave fight which was rewarded by a level scoreline at half-time. In the end, Oxford proved slightly too strong, defeating Cardiff 6-4 in a tough battle.

Cardiff ’s next opponents were Southampton. In a match where they looked confident and consistent, the ladies soared to an 8-2 victory, propelled by a dazzling performance from centre Sue Chandler.

The final match of the week presented a compelling showdown between Cardiff and Newcastle.

After a slow start, the Cardiff ladies found themselves trailing 9-3 at half-time. Spurred on by their fellow

squad members, Cardiff found new strength and ambition with Izzy Try leading the attack, scoring f ive goals. After staging an impressive comeback, the game ended with Cardiff being defeated by only a single goal, the f inal score 11-10.

However, Cardiff were announced runners-up of the ladies’ tournament, with undefeated Oxford confirmed as the champions.

RUNNERS-UP: The ladies’ team just missed out on the title The mixed lacrosse tournament provided plenty of competition, with 15 teams competing in total. Cardiff had a close-run match in their first outing, being defeated by a strong UCL team by a single goal. The sec-

ond match of the day saw an out of form Cardiff draw 5-5 with Bristol, a team they had defeated in the league several times over the season.

At the start of day two, Cardiff had to improve their game to qualify for the next round. Inclement weather conditions had turned the pitches into mud baths, which provided much entertainment for all involved.

Cardiff celebrated their 8-0 victory over Warwick B with Klinsmannesque dives across the pitch. Their final match, a must-win game, saw Cardiff drawn against Loughborough. In impossible conditions, their opponents proved too strong and Cardiff were defeated 20, therefore failing to qualify for the quarter-finals.

The tournament was eventually won by an impressive Nottingham team. The captain of Cardiff ’s mixed team, Charli Ferrand, wasn’t left disheartened and emphasised that the mixed team would now concentrate on their upcoming play-offs.

The successful Dublin trip has also provided a boost for Cardiff ’s lacrosse players ahead of Wednesday’s crucial Varsity Shield match against local rivals Swansea.

Spor t gair rhydd

With their showpiece Varsity performance approaching, Cardiff’s cheerleading squad The Snakecharmers secured second place in the National University Championships p.45

FOLLOW THE LEADER: George Mark gives chase for Cardiff in Scotland

By Dave Jones MTB Correspondent AS THE WELSH rugby team celebrated their Grand Slam triumph on Sunday March 18, Cardiff University’s mountain biking squad were reaching for some champagne of their own after landing third place in the BUSA championship.

This year’s annual student event, held at the beginning of the Easter holidays, was staged for the first time in Scotland, at Innerliethen, home of ‘The Red Bull Project Downhill’.

After a week’s rain and the busy morning practice session, sections of the long and varied downhill course were cut to pieces, but this didn’t stop Cardiff ’s Phil Shucksmith from recording the fourth fastest time of the day.

Out of the field of over 180 riders, Cardiff ’s team of Tudor Jones, Tristan Goodley and George

Mark all came in the top 70 and contributed towards Cardiff ’s first ever mountain biking BUSA points.

After much celebration on the Saturday evening, Sunday saw the eagerly-awaited cross-country race. Two days of riding some of Britain’s best trails had taken its toll on the bikes, yet committed performances were evident from Olly Clayton and Peter Macsorley in the cross-country championships against their Lycra-clad opponents.

Cardiff ’s riders were beset by disasters of all kinds, but, with mechanical failures and one grossly fractured wrist, did well not to come last.

Overall, it was a great weekend for Cardiff, with talent and potential being shown by everyone concerned. With more funding for the university’s elite riders to race, next year should be very good for Cardiff University mountain biking, especially with the possibility of hosting the BUSA championship in 2006.

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News

Page 8

April 25 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

MEET THE TEAM

By Charissa Coulthard Reporter AFTER TWO weeks of vigorous campaigning, two days of student voting and 48 hours of pure anticipation, candidates finally gathered to hear the announcement of the new sabbatical and non-sabbatical team.

The series of results, which started on March 16, began with the NUS affiliation outcome and finally ended over a day later with the last nonsabbatical position to be announced.

Tensions ran high as 37 hopefuls awaited to see if their two-weeks of campaigning - which ranged from a giant ladybird to a Jessica Rabbit impersonator - would prove successful.

The first announcement was made at 3.15pm on the Wednesday and revealed that, with a total of 3,159 votes, Cardiff students would be sticking with the NUS. 891 voted against, whereas 280 claimed to be unclear.

Union President was the next big position to be announced, with seven hopeful candidates being eliminated to one over a series of six rounds.

With a total of 1,307 votes, Pete Goodman was

finally announced the winner, with John Bateman a close runner up. Relieved, his first response was: “I’m so pleased that Cardiff students have voted for me, and so pleased that I’ll never have to hear Sweetie the Chick again.”

He also outlined his most immediate and important plans, by saying; “I think firstly we need to concentrate on and address the outcome of the NUS affiliation result.

“After that ,we need to look towards issues such as better transport.”

The remaining sabbatical team will conist of Toan Ravenscroft, Lisa Gwinnett, James Twigger, Tom Wellingham, Benny Thomas, Russell Simpson and Gemma Long, who won College President of Humanities and Science by just two votes.

Despite the promising turnout, however, the elections were marred by the disqualification of two candidates.

Union Secretary candidate Simon Yates was accused of multiple voting during the vote count.

The election committee, who received evidence supporting the allegation, felt that they had no alternative other than to disqualify Yates as a candidate.

Also disqualified was Kabir Saraf, Xpress

Station Manager candidate, who was disqualified for interfering with votes.

A member of the election committee commented: “It was reported to the Returning Officer that the candidate was campaigning too close to the ballad box. You cannot be put under pressure whilst you’re voting, in order to give a fair and free election.”

Aside from the exceptions, the elections were, on the whole, successful and enjoyable for the majority of students.

The new sabbatical and non-sabbatical team the latter comprising ten positions - shall take on their new roles in September for the new academic year.

Whether bombarded with leaflets or being chased by a creepy cardboard box around the Union steps, it seems just about every Cardiff student has been aware of the election campaigns.

Now that the votes have been counted and clarified, the team can look forward to the challenges that await them.

As for other students they can now walk around Park Place once again without fear of being followed by a guy in a chicken suit. Until next year’s campaigns begin, that is.

PHOTOS: David Sutheran

The results are in, the votes have been counted, and now its time for you to...