gair rhydd - Issue 785

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

ISSUE 785 May 2 2005

FREE

NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04

PEOPLE’S POPE SO NEAR YET SO POLARISES PAPER FAR TO GO Your responses to TV Manners’ Pope on the Ropes article both for and against LETTERS P22

Cardiff retain the Varsity shield but fail to win where it matters - Men’s Rugby SPORT P40

WHICH O F THESE CAN YOU TRUST?

Who will you vote for on May 5? gair rhydd guides you through the political minefield. See pages 6-10

News

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a glance May 2 2005 News Politics Opinion Taf-Od Science Jobs and Money Media Competitions Letters Five Minute Fun Television Problem Page Listings Sport

1 6 12 15 17 18 20 21 22 24 25 33 34 36

EDITOR Gary Andrews

DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Holly Marshall, Bethany Whiteside NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Matt Wilkin, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION James Emtage, Alys Southwood, Sophie Robehmed SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman, Will Schmit TELEVISION TV Billy Whizz, TV Jon Bon Jovi, TV K.D, TV (Bad) Manners, TV Cruella LETTERS Perri Lewis, Dave Menon GRAB Shell Plant FIVE MINUTE FUN Robbie Lane TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey, Heather Casey JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Dan Ridler, Charissa Coulthard PROOF READERS Carly Sharples, Hannah Perry, Chris White, Bethany Whiteside, Lois Dafydd, Dame Alys Southwood CONTRIBUTORS

Dan Ridler, Charissa Coulthard, Dave Menon, Ross Whittam, Andrew Rennison, Claire Boham, Jenna Wilcox, Andrew Mickel, Rachel Owen, Edward Vanstone, Caleb Woodridge, Heather Casey, Hugh Gripper, Gareth Evans, Ed Jones, Tim Lewis, Matt Ramsden, Sarah Bellingham, Nick Parnell, Revd Dr Lorraine Cavanagh, Jules Thorpe-Smith, James Emtage, Sally Phillips, Lois Dafydd

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

AUTO-MOTIVES

Dan Ridler explores the issue of crime in student life ACCORDING TO recent findings at Cardiff University, injuries resulting from violent crime have dropped by 20% since 1999.

The findings, based on the number of patients admitted into emergency units as a result of violence, concur with Home Office figures suggesting that crime figures have dropped across England and Wales by 25,700 since the millennium.

The study included 30 hospitals and was carried out by the university’s violence research group.

The drop is accredited largely to the use of CCTV cameras, as both a deterrent around city centres and because the cameras are responsible for bringing faster police intervention which prevents escalation of an incident into a violent crime.

Professor John Shepherd believes that the drop is “a tribute to the police.”

“It is much like a teacher in the school playground, if the police get to an argument early, then okay, an incident has still happened but harm and serious harm have been prevented.

“As people who treat the injured, this is really good news.”

DESPITE THE recent figures indicating a drop in violent crime, reports suggest student vandalism is still causing problems in central Cardiff.

Alexandra Baxendale, a Colum Road resident, was a victim of this crime wave on April 18 when her friend emerged from the house to discover two men, suspected to be students, lying on top of the car and trying the door.

The young men, one described as short with a broken nose and the other tall and slim, immediately left

the scene of the crime on foot, allegedly assaulting an onlooker as they departed.

Mrs Baxendale had also been a victim of vandalism on her car when it was parked at Cranbrook Street, Cathays.

She has submitted a claim for over a £1000 for the damage to the car. She must also pay a £300 excess to make this claim.

She was extremely distressed about the incident, and although the police responded, they were unable to catch the suspects.

Police figures show that 119 students were victims of car crime in March alone, and more still had their bikes stolen around the university campus.

Advice from PC Keohane, Cardiff’s student liason officer, was clear: “If you see your mate doing something stupid, pull them back.

Remember, this could endanger your whole academic career.

“Keep valubles hidden and secure your bikes with D-locks. If you supect anything call 999 immediately.”

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

At

Kat’s got the cream NUS President re-elected for a second term

By Dave Menon Reporter NUS PRESIDENT Kat Fletcher has been re-elected after receiving 400 more votes than any other candidate.

The election took place at the recent NUS Conference, where students in attendance were able to cast their vote.

Miss Fletcher recieved 536 votes, over 400 more than other candidates.

An NUS press release said that Fletcher had overseen a number of achievements in her year as President.

Notably she formed new standards for university accomodation, as well as introducing a scheme which protects students from rogue landlords.

She also lifted the age limit

for student loans and launched an NUS Education manifesto.

In addition, child and welfare benefits have been extended to 19 year-olds under Fletcher’s presidency.

The former NUS Women’s Officer has also appeared on BBC’s Question Time programme where she discussed the topic of top-up fees.

After winning the vote she said: “I am delighted to have been re-elected with a strong mandate from my members.

“This is not just a vote for an individual, but a vote for a changing NUS that is delivering to its members and responding to their calls for reform in order to ensure a strong and proactive campaigning national union for the students of today and tomorrow.”

TRIUMPHANT: NUS President Kat Fletcher

Training Derailed

By Charissa Coulthard Deputy News Editor

YOUNG ACADEMICS have dismissed universities’ attempts to teach them how to lecture as a ‘waste of time’.

The training, which is undertaken by lecturers at the start of their career, is encouraged and sometimes required in order for academics to complete development courses in how to teach.

But many are branding the training unnecessary because it adds to their existing heavy workloads and consumes time that might be better spent on research.

Claims have also been made that they already have significant teaching experience and are not in need of further training.

Joanna Bryson, a lecturer at Bath University who completed a development course two years ago, said: “It takes up more time than we have.

“It’s not that you don’t need people helping you out and showing you the ropes, but they are not used to teaching people who have PhDs. “There’s no other country in the world where you need another qualification to be an academic.”

Dr Bryson also claimed that the courses often taught staff with different levels of teaching experience together.

The 2003 Higher Education White Paper stated that all new teaching staff would receive accredited training by 2006.

There are currently 153 programmes at 120 institutions accredited by the Higher Education Academy, two thirds of which lead to a postgraduate certificate in higher education.

Roman Belavkin, a senior lecturer at Middlesex University, said: “My students are happy, my university is happy, my external examiners are happy, so why must I do this course?

“You can have fascinating academics who are great teachers without having a PGCHE.” Dylan Evans, lecturer at the University of the West of England, taught English as a foreign language and held a diploma in teaching.

“Everyone hates the course but has to do it, which doesn’t seem rational. It’s not appropriate for those starting off with lots of research to get off the ground.”

Despite the recent complaints from young lecturers, the Institute of Education insists the course is beneficial.

Sue Hallam, a professor of education, said: “A lot of academics find it a burden because it’s a taught course, but in order to be accredited, they have to be assessed.”

Ron Ritchie, Dean of Education at UWE, added: “It is factually incorrect to state that everyone hates the course.

“We have considerable evidence that the programme is highly valued, that the content is appropriate and that the overall experience is positive in helping staff to develop their practice.

News

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THERE ARE NO lockers for students to store goods, they have no bleep alarms on ward rounds, they are taught by overworked and overstressed junior doctors, and would rather pay hundreds of pounds in travel costs than be placed at the Heath Hospital.

These are just some of the shocking details revealed in last week’s front page article.

Now gair rhydd calls on Cardiff University, the NHS Trust and the Welsh Assembly to ‘Inject The Funds’ into our medical students. gair rhydd believes the doctors and nurses of tomorrow deserve better. Poor facilities and high costs will only deter future generations from going into healthcare.

Our campaign is supported by Labour, the Liberal Democrats and Plaid Cymru, all of whom have called on the university to ‘Inject The Funds’ into better facilities for the medics.

Current MP and Labour candidate for Cardiff Central Jon Owen Jones said: “We need to help make the Heath Hospital a more attractive place for both patients and staff, and for the medical students who work there and I fully support the proposals that gair rhydd are calling for.”

Lib Dem candidate for Cardiff Central Jenny Willott added her voice to the campaign and said: “There are a number of small measures that would cost little which I urge the hospital and university to consider. Providing lockers and bleepers for all medical students would make such a big difference.”

Pliad Cymru candidate Richard Grigg said: “With the avergae student debt at £20,000 students on a five year course need as much help as possible.

Medical students are dedicated and extrememly important for the future of the Health service in Wales - they should be treated with the respect they deserve.”

In response to gair rhydd questions regarding

the lack of lockers and bleep alarms a spokesperson for the University School of Medicine said: “The School has outlined the comprehensive process already in place for such issues to be raised and dealt with in collaboration with students, the School and the hospital Trusts.

“Many of the matters raised are the responsibility of the hospital Trust. We shall be passing these recent comments to the Trust and student representatives will feedback the response of the Trust to the student body.”

Responding to the comments from the political parties the spokesperson said: “The University’s policy is not to comment on such contributions in the run-up to the election.”

Assembly Member Jenny Randerson has also criticised the hospital, saying: “The medical students are merely the newest casualties of the continuing chaos at the Heath.

“Under the Assembly government the Local Health Board is underfunded by about £8m per year. The numerous problems that this causes for all the staff have a knock on effect on the students trying to study there.”

Jon Owen Jones has laid part of the blame for the poor facilities at the Heath on the failure of local authorities to discharge patients who are well enough to go home.

He said: “The Heath Hospital has huge problems with bed blocking and this must put a massive strain on medical students.”

Jones has called for a Delayed Discharge Bill to be put in place, which will fine local authorities if fit patients are not released early enough.

Such a scheme already exists in England.

Both Jenny Willott and Richard Grigg believe scrapping top-up and tuition fees and raising maintenance grants will help medical students.

Jenny Willott said: “We should be encouraging people from all backgrounds to become doctors – saddling them with debt does not do this.”

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

Ad-dressing the wounds

ABOVE: Jenny Willott and Jon Owen Jones back gair rhydd FAR RIGHT: The campaign launched last week

gair rhydd campaign ups its dosage as politicians give a damning diagnosis

A NEW ANGLE FOR DEGREES

By Matt Wilkin and Will Talmage News Editors CARDIFF UNIVERSITY degrees are to be reclassified after the disaffiliation from the University of Wales.

Undergraduates and postgraduates commencing their studies at the university in September 2005 will be eligible for degrees from Cardiff University, and not the University of Wales.

The move will come when the university breaks from the University of Wales in August.

Students who are already studying at Cardiff will continue to work towards a University of Wales award – including those admitted for the first time in the current academic session but with direct entry at a point other than the first year of the programme.

Even in the instance that a student is forced to take a leave of absence or repeat a year of study whilst on the way to being admitted to a

University of Wales degree, they might join a student cohort studying for a Cardiff University degree, depending on when they return to their studies.

Additionally, if a student transfers into the first year of a different programme to the one they are currently studying in 2005/6, that student will be studying for a Cardiff University award.

The content of the degree would remain unaffected, only reflecting a change of the awarding body at institutional level.

As an exception to this, students who are entering undergraduate programmes in the academic year 2005/2006 in dentistry, healthcare, medicine, nursing and midwifery will still be admitted to a University of Wales degree.

For more information or any queries about the reclassification of degrees, contact the Directory of Registry at: dapsqueries@cardiff.ac.uk

Visa-vis international students

By David Menon Reporter THE GOVERNMENT has been accused of using international students as ‘cash cows’ to subsidise an under-funded Higher Education system.

The comments from a Universities UK spokesperson came shortly after the government announced international students could face a substantial rise of 136% in student visa charges.

The visa charge could increase from £36 to £85, amid government claims that the cost of growing demand and administration expenses need to be covered.

Pete Goodman, College President of Humanities and Science, who attended a protest in February against the rises, said: “I think it is disgraceful that the Home Office is proposing to charge our international students

this extortionate fee.”

Goodman will become Union President next year and vowed to continue lobbying.

He added: “Over the forthcoming months the Students Union will work with the NUS to fight this unjustified rise in fees.”

International students are now estimated to contribute about £10.2 billion a year to the economy and £4 billion to Higher Education.

A spokesperson from University UK said: “Universities are already finding it hard to attract overseas students, in what is an increasingly competitive market. This will make it worse”.

In response to these allegations, UK Visas, part of the Foreign Office, said

applications were ‘complex to administer’ and demand for visas are increasing by 15% a year.

A final decision is likely to be made when the next parliament begins. If the proposal is approved, the charge will take effect in July.

GOODMAN: Protesting

News

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SEC BOMB Ross Whittam tackles James Green, Union Secretary, to talk Barbados and managing Arsenal

T

hursday morning and James Green, Union Secretary, is looking jaded. The strain of organising the sabbatical elections is beginning to show.

“You’ve caught me on a bad morning today,” he says as I enter his office.

Since becoming Union Secretary last year, James has been kept constantly busy: “The best thing about the job is its diversity. I do so many different things in one day. It can get a bit hectic but I never sit here all day doing one thing. Things are changing constantly.

“My job involves pretty much everything. I am the sabbatical responsible for all of the commercial services and I set the budgets at the start of the year for the charitable sections of the Students’ Union.

“When people are thrown out of Solus, I listen to what they have to say and decide whether they have been treated fairly,” states Green.

James is also the Deputy President of the Students’ Union and takes over Gary Rees’ role when he is away.

Having completed his Banking and Finance degree last year, James decided to run for the position of Union Secretary so that he could gain experience of how the union worked, and to give back what he had gained from his time at university.

“It has been much busier than I thought it would be. There is no previous reference to my job. I have taken what was the financial and commercial services job plus half of what the Union and Societies Secretary used to do. It means I keep quite busy.”

Despite being motivated to work long hours, what other qualities does the role require?

“You need to be strong minded and

not easily persuaded by other people.

You need to know what you want and move in that direction. For my job you have to be financially minded because one of the first things you do is set the budgets. You have to keep several tasks going at once.”

“I wore illuminous green wigs, a green ponytail and made the effort to go around talking to anyone who would listen” His aims were to raise awareness and numbers on the student council, increase the attendance at club nights and improve on what had been put into place already.

James has been particularly pleased with the development of the student council: “It has been important to get more students involved in the running of the union and increase the awareness and numbers of people who attend the student council.

“I did not know what the student council was last year, but now I realise how important it is for the running of the union.

“The campaign to make students more aware has been a great success.

All of the sabbatical officers spoke to every single fresher at the introductory talks this year. Hopefully in three years’ time every student will know

GREEN JAMES E IL FACTF OM: ALLY FR IN IG R O mouth Bourne IED: E STUD inance S R U O C and F Banking URE: OR FUTuth F S N A PL g to So d, Travellina, New Zealan ic h r t e u o Am a and S Australia Americ

THE NEXT FOOTBALL MANAGER: Union Secretary James Green what the Student Union offers.”

More than 1500 people voted for James last year. How did he get people to vote for him?

“I wore illuminous green wigs, a green ponytail and made the effort to go round talking to anyone who would listen and asked them to vote for me. I got bored of the sound of my own voice after ten days.”

What advice would he give to future candidates?

“My advice would be to make sure that you keep talking to people, there is no secret formula to winning a campaign.”

But does James have any regrets about the year? “Some things I’d

tweak preparation-wise but on the whole I wouldn’t do anything differently.”

Next year James hopes to save some money so that he can go travelling and then be in Germany for the World Cup: “I’d like to go with some friends down through South America and then across to New Zealand, Australia, South Africa and then back up.”

James Twigger will be Union Secretary next year and will have a hard act to follow. Green’s hope is that the successors will “hit the ground running when they take over.

“I want to make sure that they know everything I have done so then they

can achieve things more quickly.”

In five years’ time James hopes to be “relaxing in the Bahamas, because I will already have made my millions.

I’ve always wanted to work abroad so hopefully I will be in a well-paid job in America somewhere.”

His dream job would involve sport: “Preferably football where I did not have to do a lot but got paid a lot of money. Being Arsenal’s manager wouldn’t be a bad job.”

Although James is disappointed that his time in Cardiff is coming to an end, he has no regrets.

“I came here to enjoy three years of an amazing life. I will never experience anything like it ever again.”

Could students put Clarke in the dark?

By Andrew Rennison Reporter THE FATE OF one of the country’s highest-profile politicians could be decided by University of East Anglia students in the forthcoming general election.

The Home Secretary, Charles Clarke, represents Norwich South in parliament, a constituency where over 10,000 students are eligible to vote.

With Mr Clarke’s majority stand-

ing at just under 9,000 from the previous election, scholars at the university have the potential to oust him on May 5.

Those on campus have a particular incentive to vote against their current MP. Clarke was the former education secretary who saw through the Higher Education Bill that will increase tuition fees.

Combined with Iraq and a general disillusionment with the government, young people in Norwich could reject Labour when they enter the polling

station.

But the Home Secretary may be saved thanks to many UEA students voting in their home constituencies, partly as a result of being unaware of the deadline for registering to vote in Norwich South.

This situation is being taken as a sign of increased apathy on campuses across Britain, going against the commonly held stereotype of politically motivated and informed students.

UEA does harbour many active

party campaigners. With such a highprofile MP, Norwich South would be a huge coup for the Conservatives or Liberal Democrats, both of whom are supported by student activists.

The Lib Dems themselves have made it clear that they value the student vote in Norwich, placing a full page advert in the university’s student newspaper.

Members of Conservative Future at UEA have been running a door to door campaign in an effort to oust Mr Clarke.

The use of propaganda between the campus’ Labour and Tory factions has apparently mirrored the personal politics of the actual campaign, with both sides using posters bearing images of the opposing leader, rather than of their own figurehead.

It is thought that if turnout is high, then students at UEA could decide the outcome in this relatively small constituency.

Come May 5, Norwich South may serve to illustrate either students’ political appetite or apathy.

World News

May 2 2005

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FORGOTTEN CHILDREN

By Claire Bonham Reporter WHILE THE horror of child soldiers in countries like Uganda and Liberia has been widely publicised, it is usually boys that are pictured in our minds.

Yet over 40% of children living with armed groups are girls, and the conditions that they are exposed to are often a lot more horrific.

Abducted, raped and abused, an army of more than 120,000 girls work and fight in armed groups around the world.

Girls as young as eight are abducted and forced to live with guerrilla groups. They not only have to carry weapons but are forced to live as ‘wives’ or sex slaves of commanders.

The charity Save the Children has published a report to bring to light the suffering of women that is going unnoticed.

The report claims that international programmes sent out to help often fail to have any impact or make things worse.

Regeneration programmes, which usually occur after a conflict, often ignore the specific problems girls’

face, as they usually measure their success on the number of weapons collected.

Returning boy soldiers are much more likely to receive attention than girls, partly because boys may boast of all the hard work they have done.

When girls return home they are ostracised by their communities because of their ‘immoral’ experiences; they are seen as violent, unruly and dirty.

Many rescued girls are driven from their villages with no other means of supporting themselves; they have to turn to prostitution, making them even more isolated and stigmatised.

Zoe, a girl from Liberia, was forced to join a guerrilla group when she was 11: "They were beating people in front of us and made us go with them. I had to carry ammo to the front line, do all the other work and was forced to be a wife or I would be killed."

As well as sexual abuse and combat, girl soldiers are often forced to carry out dangerous tasks and survive with minimal food and no medical aid.

Charity programmes that are

working in this area at the moment are hugely under-funded. Their help is usually in the form of aid packages of food and water. Sometimes the package contains a one-off payment which commanders usually demand the girls give to surrender.

Save the Children have found a number of ways to improve how the international community provides aid. In interviews, the girls told the charity that they needed support

workers to talk to communities and families so they can understand how girls are coerced into joining the armed groups.

They also need networks to provide emotional support and advice on how to start new lives, without having to resort to prostitution. They want medical help, support in bringing up babies and access to education and jobs. But above all they want the right of being able to live as children.

CHILD SOLDIERS: boys provide the images for this crisis

Academics move to boycott Israel

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter

DELEGATES FROM the Association of University Teachers (AUT) aim to boycott two Israeli universities, amid accusations of their ‘colonial and racist’ policies in the occupied territories.

Haifa University have been reported as mistreating Ilan Pappe, a politics lecturer who defended one graduate’s decision to research controversial areas of Israel’s history.

Members of the AUT who attended a conference in Eastbourne heard of his victimisation. Pappe was subsequently accused of working with degree programmes at a college in a West

Bank settlement.

An English Lecturer from Birmingham University, Sue Blackwell, has cited further reasons for an end to co-operation: "Most [Israeli academics] support the state’s suppression of the Palestinians or at least don’t speak out about it."

Furthermore, Blackwell said many "academics serve in the army’s reserve forces."

At the conference, lecturers voted to tighten links with Palestinian academics and unions but not to establish contact with the Israeli Higher Education Union.

Due to limited results gained by an Internet search, Blackwell concluded that the organisation did not exist.

Representatives for executives of Britain’s universities, known as Universities UK, do not agree with actions taken at the conference: "UUK condemns the resolution from AUT which is inimical to academic freedom, including the freedom of academics to collaborate with other academics."

Anti-boycott campaigners aim to call a special council with the aim of overturning the AUT’s decision within a month. This action takes place amid growing fears of an international backlash against the boycott.

A tit-for-tat style boycott of UK universities has been called for by Jewish scholars, angry at the current situation.

World News in Brief

By Paul Dicken News Editor FOUR OF the five top officers under investigation for the Abu Gharib prison tortures have been cleared of responsibility.

The officer in charge of Abu Gharib at the time is the only senior officer to come under criticism.

Several low-ranking soldiers have been prosecuted, having previously blamed their superiors, claiming they were only following orders.

The investigation had hoped to conclude the international scandal, but has received heavy criticism.

Amnesty International said it continued a pattern of exoneration, while the lawyer of Charles Graner, who was given a ten year sentence for abusing prisoners, described the investigation as a joke.

Human Rights Watch, a human rights group, called for US defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld to bear ‘command responsibility’ for abuses in Iraq.

Thousands of Australians and New Zealanders have attended ceremonial services in Turkey to mark the 90th anniversary of the Gallipoli landings.

The World War I offensive resulted in the death of over 11,000 troops, known as the ANZACS. The landings are seen by some critics as marking the beginning of nationalist feeling in the antipodes.

Pop idol fever has swept Saudi Arabia.

The star of a Saudi reality TV show called Star Academy was mobbed by fans at a Riyadh mall, and was reportedly arrested by religious police for sparking “an indecent scene.”

He was later freed and flown back to Jeddah after intervention by the Riyadh governor, the Associated Press were told.

An original print of Robert Doisneau’s classic photograph The Kiss has been sold by the woman in the picture. The £105,000 price is believed to be the highest paid for a 20th Century photo.

Cult violence at Nigerian universities

Queuing for trade justice

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter

By Jenna Wilcox People and Planet

CULTS IN Nigerian universities are engaging in ritual violence and murder, resulting in widespread terror and calls for their disbandment.

Four main rival cults exist in the country’s 100 universities and can be distinguished by particular handshakes and different coloured bandannas.

Female students have become members of their own cult, called the ‘Black Bras’ at Lagos University.

The country’s student cults started out as seemingly innocent organisations, comparable to their British university society counterparts.

In 1954, Nobel Prize winner for Literature, Wole Soyinka, founded the ‘Pyrates’ for political discussion.

However, by the 1980’s, the organisation had metamorphosed into a cult

steeped in violence. Fighting for supremacy on the campuses ensued.

Black magic or ‘juju’ is used to terrify students into submission.

Initiation involves being beaten below the head to prevent obvious bruises until they fall to the ground, whereby the process is continued repeatedly.

Those who do not conform are commonly ostracised and labelled Jews.

Emmanuel Chege, a 24 year-old Botany student who studies at Ambrose Ali University in the town of Ekpoma said: "You have to take some concoctions and rituals. People die – those are the weak ones."

Traditionally, alcohol, drugs and blood drawn from an animal are mixed together and consumed.

Mr Chege said: "They indulge in all sorts of violent activities: killing, rape, extortion, theft." Thirteen students

have been killed in clashes between rival cults.

‘Capos’, ‘butchers’ or, allegedly, professional mercenaries carry out the murders.

Hundreds are believed to have been killed in the last 20 years by these cults. The pretext for such violence varies from cult rivalry to gaining female attention.

The frightening nature of Nigerian cults have been likened to American student fraternities and the German ‘burschenscaften’, well known for debate and confrontation.

Lucky Igbinedion, the State Governor, was forced to intervene and call an emergency meeting with university authorities to discuss the situation. However, many university lecturers are also cult members.

Mr Chege argues: "It’s all about supremacy and in a war that’s when the killing starts."

MORE THAN 25,000 people gathered in central London on April 15 for a Trade Justice vigil, the biggest protest so far during this election campaign.

The evening was the climax of the Global Week of Action, a series of events organised to raise awareness

and demonstrate public feeling about the injustices of free trade.

The event began at 10pm with an opening ceremony in Westminster Abbey. A procession later wound its way through Whitehall and past Downing Street for a two minute silence at 12pm.

There were opportunities to sample some of the many delights on offer: workshops, café’s, live music, and DJs until the 4am mass vigil which took place outside Downing Street.

The vigil was organised by the Umbrella Group and the Trade Justice Movement, whose members include Christian Aid, CAFOD, Oxfam and People and Planet.

If you’d like to find out more about Trade Justice, visit the Trade Justice Movement website at www.tjm.org.uk.

Political Opinion

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ELECTION 2005: POLICY GUIDE L I B E R A L DEMOCRATS The Liberal Democrats were the only main party to oppose the war in Iraq - part of their claim of being the ‘real alternative’. They attack Labour’s decision as having damaged Britain’s credibility in the world. However, the Lib Dems still commit to remaining in Iraq and supporting the rebuilding process. For the long-term, the Liberal Democrats insist that ‘Britain must never again support an illegal military intervention’, and vow to reshape relations with the US to British advantage.

WAR

PLAID CYMRU Plaid Cymru opposed the war in Iraq. Having opposed it initially alongside the Lib Dems, they now lead a campaign to impeach Tony Blair for ‘twisting the truth’ in justifying the conflict. They attack the war on terrorism as well as Iraq, singling out Britain’s relationship with the Bush administration for particular criticism. However, there are no details regarding plans or proposals for Iraq’s future, or any specific comment on troop withdrawal.

PLAYING WITH LIVES: Political warfare

CONSERVATIVES Having strongly supported the war in Iraq when it began, the Conservatives criticise the government’s and particularly Tony Blair’s handling of it since. They remain committed to rebuilding Iraq, and pledge to pump £2.7 billion more into the Armed Forces partly to this end.

CRIME LABOUR The Labour Party, having achieved their pledge to increase the number of police officers to a record 130,000, would establish a dedicated neighbourhood policing team for every community by 2008. They would bring more officers onto the front line by reducing back office staffing. With the success of Anti-Social Behaviour Orders (ASBO’s) the party intends to be harsh on repeat-offenders. The Labour Party believe in improving the quality and quantity of prison education and changing sentencing to combine time in prison and in the community.

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS The Liberal Democrat Party’s key pledge regards penal reform. Prisoners would be subject to working in prison and equipped with skills and education to enable them to get a legitimate job once they are released. The effort a prisoner puts into getting useful skills would be one of the factors used when considering their release date. The party opposes the ID card scheme and would use the money to fund a new Community Safety Constabulary.

LABOUR In his manifesto preface, Tony Blair talks of not ducking the ‘tough choices’, notably the war in Iraq. Labour pass responsibility for troop withdrawal largely to the new Iraqi government, saying that UK troops should remain there until requested to leave. Regarding the future, Labour broadly pledge never to commit troops to battle ‘unless it is essential’, whilst commenting on their support in diplomatic efforts with Iran, North Korea, Israel and Palestine.

HEALTH CONSERVATIVES Targets and quangos will be scrapped across the NHS to allow doctors to focus on health, and has widely-publicised plans to give matrons powers to shut wards to control MRSA. They want to create a public health commissioner to oversee public health strategy, and then devolve the rest to NHS trusts.

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS They would devolve the NHS to a newly-formed Welsh Parliament and would match current government spending plans. They would introduce free personal care for the elderly and a full ban on public smoking.

LABOUR By 2008, patients can choose between any approved healthcare provider, instead of simply using their local NHS. There will also be an increase in the diversity of healthcare provided, particularly through walk-in centres, to free up A&Es and GPs. They have pledged an extra £23bn for health until 2008.

They aim to cut waiting lists to 18 weeks.

PLAID CYMRU They propose a national strategy to reform Welsh NHS. They take a "whole system" approach to waiting times and they want to regulate numbers at A&E. They will set up more NHS beds, as well as a new contract to provide more dentists.

FOREIGN POLICY BEHIND BARS: Crackdown on crime

PLAID CYMRU Plaid Cymru oppose any restriction on the right to receive legal aid and oppose the abolition of the right to trial by jury. They are complimentary of the lay magistrates system and bilingualism in Welsh courts. The party accepts imprisonment as a way of safeguarding society from dangerous criminals but believes that the number of people being sent to prison should be cut as overcrowding leads to serious problems including drug-use and a high level of suicide.

CONSERVATIVES The Conservative Party believe in zero tolerance towards criminals. They believe offenders should serve the full sentence handed down by courts. The party pledge to provide 20,000 extra prison places as punishment. In preventing crime they pledge to increase discipline at school and give all young users of hard drugs a straight choice between effective treatment or an appearance in court. They oppose Labour’s alleged ‘mixed messages’ on drugs and would reverse their reclassification of cannabis from class ‘C’ back to class ‘B’.

Written by Andrew Mickel, Rachel Owen and Andrew Rennison

C O N S E RVA TIVES The Tories are aiming for a ‘No’ in the E u r o p e a n Constitution referendum, and to renegotiate the UK’s membership, although there are no signs of this being realistically possible. They vigorously oppose EU defence, favouring the existing NATO structures and denying their compatibility. They also favour a two-state solution in the MidEast, and increasing aid to meet the UN pledge of 0.7% of our GDP.

LABOUR In Europe, Labour is committed to a ‘Yes’ in the Constitution referendum, which it believes will end the debate on deepening integration. It also wants to encourage EU defence as an alternative to NATO. International aid has doubled under Labour, and it’s been signalled that they would continue to increase it. They also want to push for reform of the UN Security Council, which still reflects a Cold War reality; and to push for reform in the World Bank and IMF. PLAID CYMRU Plaid Cymru support the ratification of the EU constitution. In addition, they campaign for renewed regional EU funding after the current programme ends in 2007. They call for recognition of Welsh as a minority language in EU.

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS Despite a less pro-European line of late, the Lib Dems are still aiming for a ‘Yes’ in the European Constitution referendum. They aim to protect the national veto in key areas in treaty negotiations. They also aim to strengthen EU defence within NATO. Regarding global development, they aim to meet the UK’s UN obligation of giving 0.7% of it’s GDP to international aid by 2011 at the latest, and increasing trade liberalisation talks at a speed favoured by poorer countries.

Political Opinion

May 2 2005

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politics@gairrhydd.com

Target seat: Cardiff Central

With the General Election only days away gair rhydd joins the candidates from the main four parties as they canvass for your vote

Labour candidate: Jon Owen Jones MP

By Andrew Mickel

I

first met Jon Owen Jones leafleting outside a primary school in Llanedeyrn. As if this photo opportunity couldn’t be any more perfect, the Higher Education Minister Kim Howells was there, along with a Ten O’Clock News crew.

"See, these people here," exclaimed Mr Jones, gesturing wildly at me and the photographer, "play a much more important role than you."

The BBC correspondent Gavin Hewitt looked understandably confused, but as innovative canvassing goes, it’s certainly a vote-winner.

It’s clear that, as the incumbent candidate, Mr Jones is more adept at the political process than his rivals are.

At the same time, though, you won’t be hearing the standard party line from this candidate.

Not that you’d know this on the doorsteps when canvassing, as although people’s concerns are wide and varied, some questions come up time and again.

Unsurprisingly, the inextricably linked Tony Blair and Iraq come up a few times, but there’s no kow towing here.

"You and I have both got to put up with Tony Blair," complained Mr Jones to a fellow anti-war supporter.

Jon Owen Jones has been the MP for Cardiff Central since 1992. The former teacher has a voting record that clearly isn’t New Labour.

Despite having been a party whip in the past, he voted against the Iraq War and top-up fees.

At the same time, this isn’t real Old Labour territory, having voted in

favour of ID cards, tuition fees and foundation hospitals.

It’s clear while shadowing Mr Jones, though, that he’s an MP on the defence rather than the attack. Iraq inevitably came up a lot.

"I voted against the war, I spoke against the war on several occasions, I raised it at Prime Minister’s Questions at least twice." So what effect could voting him out actually have?

"What you would be doing by such a decision is reinforcing the idea of a presidential system rather than a parliamentary system; you’d be undermining any future MP deciding on a matter of principle, rather than party."

It is actually pretty difficult to separate individual candidates from the party when it’s the party that’s broadcasted into your house every night.

But when you’re confronted with an MP who is his own man, simply conflating the two is obviously ridiculous.

Has anyone heard of the incumbent cutting breast cancer diagnosis down from 17 weeks to ten days? Or the number of asylum cases he has helped? Or his involvement in the Obesity Report?

It’s unlikely many have, as so much attention is focused - indeed, directly claimed in opposition pamphlets - on him being ‘Blair’s man’.

And for anyone doubting his ability to capture the student vote, he was the first person to debate the legalisation of cannabis in the House of Commons.

As a working class area, Llanedeyrn is real Labour territory.

On the whole, people were not exactly hostile to Mr Jones, but were at least reticent about the idea of voting Labour.

Council tax frequently came up and when we met Mr Jones happened to be flyering leaflets featuring a transcript of Charles Kennedy confusing his council tax sums on Newsnight the previous day.

His canvassing methods are unusual to say the least, and not all voters seem convinced enough to turn their vote red.

As we were leaving Llanedeyrn, Mr Jones went over to see a voter who had been waiting to talk to him.

They discussed the possibility of Labour losing Cardiff Central ward, and this was certainly not the first time I’d heard the suggestion that day.

"You’re too young to remember what it was really like under the Tories," sighed Mr Jones. The campaigning seemed to be taking its toll.

But he evidently didn’t think that I was the only one who didn’t know what changes Labour has made in the past decade.

"There’s a lot of gratitude, but a lot take it for granted." The reaction of many people in Llanedeyrn, despite the difference that tax credits have made there, would suggest that to be true.

But the voter was clear where he stood, saying he had voted Labour all his life.

The most important issue on his mind was the length of the grass on the estate, making it hard for children to play there.

It may seem like something small, and indeed it’s a council issue rather than a national one. But despite that, Mr Jones said he would send them a letter if he retained his seat.

Perhaps it’s odd how national issues can turn a constituency against a candidate who is evidently more connected at a local level than either of the other main parties could dream of being.

UNDER THREAT: Jon Owen Jones

Conservative candidate: Gotz Mohindra

By Andrew Mickel

T

ories: you either love them or hate them. Actually, living in Cardiff Central, very few people seem to exercise the first option. The Tories are starting from an unenviable distant third place from the last election behind the incumbent Labour candidate and the Lib Dem favourite.

Conservative candidate Gotz Mohindra, though, is staying remarkably upbeat.

"Labour’s failed the people of Cardiff Central," said Gotz as he speedily canvassed around Pen-yLan. And the chances of the Lib Dem candidate getting in? "We’re working hard to make sure that doesn’t happen."

The optimism was almost overwhelming. It’s true that I shadowed Gotz in what was the Tories’ cam-

“Labour’s failed the people of Cardiff Central” Gotz Mohindra paign high point, when immigration was pushing them up every opinion poll going. And we were in a fairly rich area, a real Conservative heartland.

But the optimism seemed broader than that. Gotz’s whole team seemed

like they’d just stumbled into the sun after years in the electoral darkness.

"People have been honking their horns for us," claimed Gotz’s agent Vicci Hall, "that’s not happened in these parts for years."

There’s certainly a warmer reception for Gotz on the doorsteps then you might expect. Bar a few barking dogs, no-one seemed intent on committing grievous Tory assault. Some people were pretending to be out and others were agreeing to vote just to get on with their day. Amongst them, though, some people were prepared to listen.

Gotz Mohindra was selected as the Conservative candidate for Cardiff Central in March last year. A businessman from Essex, he has worked on the Steve Norris campaign for London mayor as ethnic minority officer.

The Conservatives are fielding more ethnic minority candidates than any other party in this election, but it

The conservatives are fielding more ethnic minority candidates than any other party still comes as a surprise not to be confronted by the white, middleaged, middle-class man that typifies politicians. Obviously Gotz doesn’t

think so. "Look,’" he said, coming over alarmingly Blairite, "I went to boarding school, I went to university, I’m a businessman. I’d say that I’m the average Conservative.’"

It was only in 1992 that Cardiff Central last had a Tory MP. Most students won’t really remember the Tories’ glory years, only knowing the gory years that Michael Howard gained his notorious reputation from.

Isn’t this a pretty big burden to be carrying around during an election?

Gotz is defiant on the issue.

"People feel safer with Michael Howard; people are comfortable with the idea of having him as PM… Tony Blair’s been a disaster for the country, people are sick and tired, and there’s Continued on Page 8

Political Opinion

May 2 2005

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politics@gairrhydd.com

Lib Dem Candidate: Jenny Willott By Dan Ridler

T

he Liberal Democrat office is nothing if not conspicuous. With big orange posters in both its window and the window next door it was easily visible from half way down City Road, if not from outer space. Preparing to enter the office I felt apprehensive; I felt I was about to enter a well-oiled election machine.

At first impressions, I wasn’t sure I’d entered the right office. The greeting was swift and friendly, various drinks were being doled out and the sheer mess of paperwork could easily beat any student house I’ve ever been in.

And then there was Jenny Willott.

Not the cold hearted old election battle horse that I had expected, Jenny was both (fairly) young and seemed truly concerned about the issues of the city. As a bonus she wasn’t too tall, which helped offset my fears considerably, and after a speedy photo opportunity we were off canvassing.

Jenny is a candidate on the offensive, of that there is no doubt. She knows she can win, but never is she resting on her laurels. She has a firm grasp on the policies, both local and national, an up and coming liberal democrat dismayed by her close defeat in the last elction and ready to rectify that this time.

Jenny is a candidate on the offensive, of that there is no doubt.

Jenny knows the people of Cardiff.

She knows where she is, she knows who lives there, she has an uncanny memory for the way each person is voting and where her placards are, were and will be. She has an enthusiastic and knowlegable, not to mention amiable and young, campaign

team and the patience of a saint on sedatives.

This patience became extremely useful as the canvassing for the day kicked off. One thing I noticed very early on was the lack of support that Labour were receiving on the doorstep. There were a few ‘soft Labour’ voters, but no Blairite nut cases and most people who weren’t Lib Dem were, it seemed, apathetic non-voters.

A few admit under their breath to be voting Tory, but this doesn’t cut it with Jenny. "The Tories can’t win here so if you want to see the back of Labour vote Lib Dem" she can often be seen suggesting to voters. Not strictly true but the Lib Dems are definitely the best option for those wishing to extricate the incumbent.

Jenny was very concerned about the way the other parties, specifically Labour’s John Owen Jones, disaffectionately known in the Lib Dem office as joj (say jodge-as in dodge), were conducting their campaigns.

"Labour keep dropping leaflets saying I’m a liar, which I’m not."

This negative campaigning was obvious when Jenny accepted a BBC invitation for a head to head meeting with her adversary in Roath park.

Owen Jones, a small, angry looking man, came across to me as just that.

When asked about his policies he simply responded that Labour were in fact the only viable government.

Aside from being rubbish this avoided the question entirely. Conversely Jenny coped particularly well with these questions, outlining her plans for Cardiff, the proposed reform of council taxes and effective representation of her constituents.

Despite Jones’ continued harrasment she remained cool, calm and composed. She refused to enter a pointless exchange that he had clearly invited her into and came across as professional and in control, whilst Owen Jones was a man on the ropes.

As a candidate, Jenny coped with both improptu doorstep encounters and pre-planned TV interviews on the day that I trailed her, but one of the most unique experiences (after driving around in her little Peugeot) was visiting a Hindu temple with Lord Dholakia, the ex party president and current Lib Dem deputy in the House of Lords.

The locals were extremely entusiastic about the progress that their temple was making and had grand ideas for its progression and upgrad-

She has an uncanny memory for the way each person will vote and where her placards are ing. This was where Jenny and the Libs came into their own. I felt that they were truly in touch with the minority communities that form such a crucial part of our cosmopolitan society, something that this Conservative regime is seriously lacking.

It was totally in contrast to the angry old man who had met Jenny on his doorstep earlier demanding the removal of all immigrants from the country. It was sad to see such narrow opinions, but it was good to see a politician turn their back on a voter for once.

She didn’t have a door, but if she had done I’m sure she would have slammed it shut. In a polite way, of course. She sighed afterwards "Canvassing can make you really bitter about human beings." I can believe it. Jenny never lost her sense of humour though, and was prepared to engage people in any debate.

There are limits for us all though.

It wasn’t all perfect either. Shortly after meeting up with Lord Dholakia the campaign team, swelled with as many helpers as they could grasp, surrounded the school in Adamsdown, of which Jenny was a governer.

Armed to the teeth with campagin stickers with which to sticker children to within an inch of their little lives, and ready to talk to parents about whatever issues they wished to discuss, Jenny had all the exits covered. It was only half an hour later that

JENNY WILLOTT: Destined for Victory? one of the campagn team plucked up the courage to ask what time they released the children, and learned they had already gone.

Not perturbed Jenny took this on the chin and moved on. It was certainly a relief to see some of the human error under the political shell, and during my day with her Jenny’s human side certainly came through. A good politician though needs to be an oscar winning actor, and perhaps I was fooled by the politcal exterior. I’ll probably never know.

All the same, Jenny struck me as a politician who truly believes what she

spouts on the doorstep. If she got in, if the Lib Dems get to power, she would undoubtedly lose out in their new council tax replacement programme, but she insists, "this is fair. If I was earning that much I’d happily pay a bit extra!" She seems in touch with Cardiff, and determined to make a difference.

Will she retain her determination if she gets into power? Jenny and her team insist that the Liberals are the party who work all year round- not just at election time. How can we know if this is true? Time must tell.

Political Opinion

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May 2 2005

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Method to Michael’s madness

By Edward Vanstone

I

f there is one area of the election campaign that the Tories have dominated, it is media coverage.

For the past few weeks the vampiric visage of Michael Howard, glaring out from screens and shelves, vociferously parading his latest genius scheme, has been inescapable. The man is, let’s face it, a little bit scary.

If you’re anything like me, you wonder how he has come up with all his charming headline-grabbing policies. Where are these little gems formulated? Who is witness to their birth? Well, after much reflection, I have a theory. Allow me to paint you a picture.

Michael Howard sits glumly in a huge moth-eaten red chair. The roaring fire in front of him illuminates his spectacles as he glances up. Through the gloom you can just make out another figure, standing behind the chair solemnly. It’s Oliver Letwin.

Michael stares into the fire for a long time before speaking: ‘Bring me

the sheets of political inspiration,’ he intones.

Now Oliver is not sure about this; you can see it in his face. His eyebrows hunch themselves into a frown. But, loyal to his friend, he duly scuttles off and is back in no time. With a look of warning, Oliver presses The Daily Mail and The Daily Express into Michael’s quivering palms.

There is an audible hiss of pleasure as Michael fondles the sacred texts, turning each one over, slowly, caressingly with infinite care. Suddenly, he rips open both newspapers at once and his eyes dart over the pages, ingesting the wisdom of the honourable scribes.

After only a few seconds, Michael’s neck snaps up to confront Oliver’s anxious face. There is a maniacal gleam in his magnified eye. ‘Of course,’ he whispers, trembling, ‘Gypsies…’

Oliver’s face does something strange: first the eyebrows disconnect from his fretful, wrinkled nose, and then they proceed in a wobbling dance across his forehead. It is not clear until you see his beaming lips that this is an articulation of excitement. ‘What else?’ he gibbers.

Michael returns feverishly to the texts, his eyes moving ever faster through the inky wisdom. It takes longer this time, perhaps thirty sec-

HOWARD: Something of the night about him onds, and for a moment Oliver is struck with the terrifying notion that the magic may have, at last, run out.

Yet even as these thoughts slide

through his mind, he notices that Michael is staring at him again.

Michael is catatonic with exhilaration, his eyes boggle dangerously, threatening to break through his steamed up lenses.

‘What is it?’ yells Oliver, bouncing up and down and shaking Michael’s paralysed shoulders. There is a short silence in which the roar of the fire drowns out panting breaths. At last Michael composes himself and manages to speak, ‘Immigration’ he whispers.

Oliver is profoundly disappointed.

‘Well of course immigration,’ he groans, ‘we do immigration every time.’

But Michael has more. ‘We will set a limit for the amount that can come in,’ he explains. Oliver considers: ‘Good, good,’ he mumbles musingly.

‘We will screen each and every one for diseases,’ Michael continues.

‘Excellent!

Excellent!’

Oliver exclaims, animated again. He notices Michael is nodding wildly to himself.

‘Is there more Michael? Surely – surely you don’t have more?’

Michael takes a few deep breaths

before revealing his masterstroke.

Oliver can barely contain himself. The sacred texts lie forgotten on the floor.

Michael’s lips part, slowly, ‘We will not pay for their disease screenings.

We will make them pay!’ he reveals, voice rising from a whisper to a triumphant shout.

‘That might be going a bit far Michael - even for us,’ Oliver responds. But Michael is off; out of the chair and striding around the room, finger wagging violently in the air as he shrieks to the room, ‘Gypsies!

Abortion! Immigration! Make them pay! Make them all pay!’ Oliver looks on fearfully, ‘Oh God’ he mutters, ‘there’ll be no stopping him now.’

It is possible, sceptics might even say probable, that this scene did not actually take place. But the Tories have created these policies somehow.

Maybe, just maybe, it was like this.

Regardless of the inception of their policies, however, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, and you don’t believe immigration and gypsies are key election issues, it won’t be the Conservatives who are given your precious vote.

Returning to the roots Reality blights

By Andrew Rennsion

By Rachel Owen

D

o you really know the difference between the Labour and Conservative Parties? Arguably the definition between left-wing and rightwing has vanished. We, as voters, are left to rummage through policy after policy, agreeing or disagreeing on intricate details but at the end of the day are all parties and politicians the same?

Back in 1997 ‘New Labour’ was coined as part of an orchestrated campaign to position the party at a new ‘middle ground’. The jubilation amongst socialists, however, had more to do with the defeat of the Tories than this radical shift.

One of the defining features of

There is a new type of politics emerging ‘populist politics’ the 2001 General Election was the 59% turnout; the lowest since 1918.

A poll by MORI found that interest in politics is declining due to confusion over party policies.

This has not always been the case. Clause 4 of the Labour Party constitution states ‘The Labour

THATCHER: A bastion of conservatism Party is a democratic socialist party.

It believes that by the strength of our common endeavour we achieve more than we achieve alone…and create a community in which power, wealth and opportunity are in the hands of the many, not the few.’

Although this still features strongly in their campaign material, many argue that the present Labour Government have a capitalist nature while avoiding some of the excesses of the Thatcher regime.

New Labour is no longer a socialist party. Yes, they introduced a number of changes to modify the harshness of the right-wing legacy.

They gave us the national minimum wage; they introduced the ‘New Deal’ to promote youth employment, made constitutional changes affecting the House of Lords and devolution for Scotland and Wales.

New Labour is not a socialist

party, but within its ranks there are thousands of socialists. There is a new type of politics emerging‘populist politics’.

The Conservative Party can claim to be one of the oldest, most successful political parties in the world. Although associated with landowners and the aristocracy, and more recently the middle classes, the party has looked for support across social boundaries.

Under Tory rule, Britian found itself in recession. The strong rightwing policies led to privatising many nationalised industries and the Conservatives found themselves in the grip of ‘sleaze’.

Today, there is no wonder why the party has mellowed out a little.

In a bid to win support, some Tory policies can easily be mistaken for Labour initiatives.

There are a few signs of conservatism, with a pledge to give patients 50% of an NHS operation price to go private and the ‘virtual voucher’ worth up to £5,000 per year to pay for independent school education for their children, but overall politics is about winning the largest amount of votes from the largest cross-section of society.

And, what has happened to the Lib Dems? In 1906 the Liberal landslide was on a par with Labour’s 1997 victory. Today, their idealistic promises are never called upon to be practised.

Research has found that Labour supporters are most likely to stay away from the ballot box; it is Labour that will be most concerned with a low turnout in May. So, perhaps this means that there is a call for parties to find their roots, stick by their convictions and not try to please all of the people all of the time.

S

tudents: the seeds of revolution, the tide of a new generation, a united front against the establishment. Or so the story goes.

This is a little over-dramatic. For most of us, a revolution would be setting our alarm clocks ten minutes earlier, or missing two episodes of Neighbours in a row. But politically, there is in society a fixed idea that students represent a collective mass of the new, the radical, even... the socialist.

The reality begs to differ.

Contrary to both popular belief, students are far from being politically predictable. It’s certainly true that we are still a largely left-wing community, generally in favour of civil rights, social equality, and copious amounts of gange. But that’s not the whole picture.

There are Tories actually living in my house. In the same house as me. Now, let me be perfectly clear. If you want to, then vote Conservative, or even UKIP. Then we’re all entitled to cast our ballots however the hell we want, and disagreement is an ingredient of democracy.

It just seems so bewildering, with what we’ve been brought up to believe, that university could harbour any significant political discrepancies.

If we listened to our culture, then students would be a mob of Communist upstarts, rioting on May Day while wearing Che Guevara t-shirts. No-one really expects to be plotting against capitalism as soon as they arrive in halls, but I did assume that, when the general election swung into town, we’d practically all be reading from the same page.

But we are no closed book. And the signs that we are in fact disunited have been apparent for some time.

For example, a few months ago the

anti-fees demo in Cardiff mustered only a few thousand marchers, despite much promotion and a student population of around 22,000, not to mention the nearby universities. This served as a blow to the liberal illusion of higher education.

It’s been well documented that the Lib Dems have a keen interest in swiping Cardiff Central from Labour.

Maybe they will, but they are simply placing too much faith in the student vote, acting as if campuses around the country will give them landslide support. Support yes, but there are no landslides in sight.

But why this divergence? Students are well suited to being left-wing: we’re young enough that the world hasn’t worn away our cares over poverty or pollution, and as most of us are not yet in full-time employment, we feel fine about backing higher taxes for the rich.

However, I can see a couple of reasons to explain the vocal minority of right-wing support in our midst.

One is a sheer disillusionment with the government – if there’s one thing we hate, it’s BS, and Labour has it by the gallon load. How many times does Blair have to be asked the same questions before he just swallows his pride and says ‘Yep, I have no idea. Next?’ As the opposition, the Tories thus get support almost by default.

Another, more serious cause is perhaps the worrying undercurrent of xenophobia in this country. This can be seen in the ascension of UKIP and the rise of the BNP. How can you escape this sentiment when the UK’s most-read newspaper is The Sun. And of course, some simply agree with Tory policies. No, really.

The point is that nobody, whether they’re a politician, a pensioner, a peasant, or even Peter Snow himself, should assume that the student vote has been all but counted.

Editorial & Opinion

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May 2 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd

FREE WORD Use your Vote WHILE PERHAPS not as visible or as gimmicky as the Student Union elections, this Thursday is the vote for the General Election and your vote can make a difference.

In Cardiff Central, Jon Owen Jones holds one of the smallest majorities and just a small swing could see the seat change hands to the Lib Dems.

In a constituency where there are a high proportion of students, the way you vote could have a significant influence on the outcome. gair rhydd cannot tell you how to vote – that is your own decision – but we can help you decide, which is why we urge you to closely read the politics section this week, where we have shadowed the candidates from the four main parties in Cardiff Central.

These should give you a better sense of the person you’re voting for rather than the disconnected photo opportunities that the party leaders seem to favour these days.

THE UNION has been encouraging you to use your vote and gair rhydd completely backs this campaign.

The way you vote could either reduce Labour’s majority to send a clear message to the party, or you could re-elect the incumbent, reaffirming your trust in the current government – the choice is entirely yours.

To not vote may seem like the easy option, especially given the state of mainstream politics today. It is easy to be apathetic when faced with politicians who are more concerned with image than policy.

But every four or five years you have the chance to register your disgust or approval. It is no good saying politicians should connect to you. In a cynical society such as today, the only reason a politician will bother with you is if they think you are worth a vote.

If students, as a group, don’t vote, then Blair, Kennedy, Howard et al can quite happily ignore us when it comes to election time. We are much more empowered if we use the ballot box, even if that vote goes to a candidate such as Captain Beany.

Voting is one of the few ways we can take direct action towards a government. Voting is a privilege that can so easily be abused through apathy. It is your privilege to use.

Inject the funds THIS WEEK gair rhydd launches the inject the funds campaign calling for basic equipment for our medical students.

What we ask for isn’t a great deal basic equipment such as lockers and bleep alarms at the Heath hospital will be a start.

Now the Cardiff Central political heavyweights have added their voices to the campaign.

When politicians from two opposing parties agree on an issue it means something needs to be done about it.

Each voice of complaint adds more pressure on the university.

Frock ‘n’ Roll

By Jules Thorpe-Smith

H

ow many times have you watched some z-list celebrity wearing a Metallica or Motorhead t-shirt? How many of them claim to list so-called rock bands as their favourite listening material? And more importantly, here’s the proverbial kick in the testicles, how many of them do you actually believe?

Rumoured transgender mannequin Cat Deeley is among the worst offenders, as is Charlie Simpson (formerly from Busted and now of the less than average ‘post hardcore’ Fightstar has a selection of ‘insert post hardcore band’s name here’ T’s). Top of The Pops is a bloody depressing view now, as people wearing things that could have once been validly called rock accoutrements to fashion, can now only be described as Metro-sexual (See shit vocal acts: Blue).

It is not an uncommon sight to watch people trudging down the high street in Cardiff wearing all manner of studs and leather. How and when did being ‘rock’ become so fashionable?

When did everyone rediscover Converse All-stars and put their name totally to shame?

People who have seen how I dress will at the moment be saying "what the fuck is this guy talking about? He does ALL of the above. What a hypocrite!" No, I’m not. I’ve been dressing like this (and toning down how

baggy my clothes are, admittedly) since I was fourteen or fifteen, to the amusement of my compatriots at school, who thought it would be funny to pick on the kid who looked different from the Ben Sherman clad herd. I go back for summer or Christmas, and what’s everyone doing? Yep, you guessed it. Taking a leaf out of my book, and having the gall to tell me that they always thought I looked cool. Cheers, but its five or six years too late.

I’m not saying that I’m really original, in fact, far from it. I’m part of a herd that’s existed for ages, one that is sometimes just as snobby as any other clique. It just seems somewhat an insincere gesture to have every (Top)man and his dog wearing studs, leather, band T-shirts and claiming to have ‘always been a big fan of rock.’

I’ve no doubt some of them genuinely were and now revel in rocks apparent fashion Kudos to them, but just like the people who suddenly shaved Mohawks into their heads in the late seventies claiming to have always been punk, there are a lot of people who jumped mindlessly onto the bandwagon.

If you like how rockers, punks and Metallers dress, by all means invest in some of it. Don’t however claim to be one of them, because they’re not stupid, they can tell if you are or not.

Important to remember the next time you’re chatting to a pissed off looking Hells Angel about how "rock" Franz Ferdinand are.

Student Stereotypes The Closet Gay

By James Emtage

M

ark is a closet gay. He’s had girlfriends in the past, he played rugby at school, and he drinks pints of Stella in the pub with the boys.

Yet still, he’s gay, and nobody knows it.

And no one would know it. He’s not overtly camp, he’s never made references to fancying guys, and he’s been known to pull some pretty nice girls on a fair number of occasions.

On the surface, he’s an ordinary ‘one of the lads’ kind of guys, and would hate to think that anyone thought otherwise.

But scratch away at that surface, just a little bit, and underneath lies a very troubled young man, desperately battling against the true self that he so badly wants to hide. I mean, what would people think of him were it to ever come out?

He’d have to leave uni for a start, he’s convinced himself into believing. For his flatmates certainly would not accept him for who he really was. Look how they reacted to the gay kiss on Coronation Street, he thinks to himself, remembering the words ‘disgusting’ and ‘wrong’ being tossed around the room.

But he’s ok, ‘cos he’s such a good actor, no one would ever suspect.

He’s gone since the age of 15 pretending to be keen on girls, always making sure there was plenty

of heterosexual gossip going around about him and whoever she might have been at the time throughout the sixth form.

He’s sick of having to live such a lie. Is it wrong, he wonders, that he watched all the series of Queer as Folk in secret at night, and that he hoards copies of Gay Times and Attitude to read when no one else is around?

He’s bemused by how utterly relaxed they all seem, how at ease openly gay people can be. I mean, how an earth did they come out?

He can spot them in a crowd. He’s sure of it. And he wonders if they can spot him. The old ‘gaydar’ and all.

But how come they seem so comfortable with being who they are. He’s seen them, laughing and joking as they come out of their gay bars and clubs. And has been crying out to go and join them and just see if these feelings he has are real and right.

But they can’t be. They can’t be right. He wants children and a family, and it would be one thing to tell his friends but the thought of telling his parents, his mum, his dad, he just couldn’t. It’s just wrong.

So he pushes the thoughts out of his mind once more, looks away whenever he sees an LGBT society poster, and continues to join the boys for yet another night out at Rubber Duck.

Whatever makes you happy Mark.

But I suspect it isn’t this.

ROOM 101 Sally Phillips’

T

he majority are all victims to Room 101’s subject this week.

Upon waking up, drawing back the curtains and being shocked by the appearance of sunshine, it seems that it is an instinctive reflex to go digging in the back of the cupboard to find those reliable, trusty flip-flops (or there are those eager individuals who have already purchased a new pair for this summer and have them sitting out ready!)

What seems to escape our minds is that it is in fact still April and that we are still in Wales. We push to the back of our minds that the probability of the sunshine staying out is drizzlingly low.

The tinge of blue in the sky and the faint beat of the sun seem to rule our minds, excitement levels suddenly

soar and any sensibility is knocked down. Flip-flops have an over-riding power, never mind that it is still george and zippy outside (to those un-educated in the welsh slang of today that is their comical way of saying ‘nippy’) and the rest of our attire is scarves, jumpers and trousers.

As long as the flip-flops are on there is a bounce in our step and it is sheer determination that forces us to ignore the fact that even though you may have had an exhilarating jaunt into uni, with music in your ears and the knowledge that summer is on its way, by the 1st lecture of the day ones feet are indeed gradually turning a pale shade of blue.

Do not believe for one moment that you are alone in your flip-flop desire; upon entering the Park Place

bubble you are hit by ‘flip-flop mania.’

Everywhere you turn, students are parading their otherwise hidden feet to don the summer trend.

The rare individuals who aren’t wearing their favourite Havanas/Reefs look on with envy, they’ll remember not to leave their flip-flops at home next time.

Heading into your lecture theatre that is oblivious to the invention of windows, you feel the hour dredge on and on. Finally it is time to head back out into the rays.

The doors open and low and behold- the sun has vanished and heavy bullets of rain are showering the uni streets. Looking down at your poor blue tainted feet in your beautiful flip-flops and across at the forming puddles on the pavement, you are intensely aware of those in

sensible footwear (i.e. trainers or welly boots) having lost their envious look of earlier.

They push past without so much as acknowledging the rain. In their heads they are laughing, looking on at the flip-flop craze with satisfaction that they listened to the weather report on the radio.

And so ladies and gentlemen, as flip-flops proceed into Room 101, don’t let your head be over-ruled, listen when it is clearly screaming, "It is still blimin April, put those blimin flip-flops AWAY you crazy fool…..”

want to contribute to

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May 2 2005

Editorial & Opinion

Page 13

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May: from pole to polls Bethany Whiteside looks at how May Day festivities have been transformed from idyllic rural past-time to London riots

M

y perception of May Day involved maypole dancers on the village green; hence a lament about the urbanisation of villages and loss of countryside traditions was going to be made. However after discovering the history of May 1, May Day should be re-named student day, as it truly encompasses many qualities favoured by Cardiff students.

Firstly, May Day rituals came into existence with Celtic (read Welsh) celebrations of the first Spring planting.

Secondly, from medieval times the day took on an anti-establishment tone and in 1708, celebration was prohibited as consorting with prostitutes, cock fighting and inciting violence against members of church and government had become the order of the day. Students have never been one to agree with the majority and conform to authority.

The obligatory working class mention makes its appearance in 1889 Paris, where May Day was declared a holiday for workers of the world by

“May Day means little more than time off to many Britons” Circus. They had proclaimed ‘Mayday Monopoly’ in Central London.

Laughs and games all round.

The following year Soho was swamped by sex workers protesting.

Phallic much? We think so

Tumultuous TV

By Caleb Woodridge

T

elevision can be a wonderful medium, communicating news, information and entertainment to the masses.

Unfortunately, it’s often the outlet for some of the worst rubbish imaginable. Twenty years ago, ideas such as page-three girls indulging in live mud-wrestling was the stuff of satire, but with Celebrity Wrestling such tacky programming has become a cringe-worthy reality.

It quickly joins such programmes as Dick and Dom’s in da Bungalow, and You’ve Been Framed on my most loathed list, though there are many more bad, annoying and unimaginative programmes I could pick on.

So I was delighted to see that in its first week Celebrity Wrestling was trounced in the ratings by Doctor Who, which had almost double the number of viewers. Doctor Who is hardly high art, but compared to the cheap and cynical "celebrity" filled programming that unfortunately dominates the schedules, especially on Saturday evening, it’s a breath of fresh air. Combining thrills, high adventure, dodgy science, a touch of scariness and a healthy dose of humour, it has proved a hit for the BBC. Part of its success probably lies in the BBC making it for an audience long thought dead: the family.

Accepted wisdom had it that "we

After missile throwing, 54 arrests and five injured police officers, all ended well. Precedent demands that some excitement takes place this year.

Scandal aside, one ‘normal’ reason to celebrate the day is the coming of warmer weather after semi-hibernation all winter. Although May Day appears to have been taken over by the misanthropists of the world, some local traditions do still exist and can be equally painful in the watching and participating sense.

Morris Dancing is the obvious one, although the appearance of the Padstow ‘Obby ‘Oss in Cornwall is a strong contender for the comedy value award. The Old ‘Oss is accompanied by the ‘Teaser’ who carries a phallic club to ‘encourage’ the ‘Oss along.

Of course, if you’re neither a communist, sex-worker, or animal molester but an average lazy student, May Day does mean little more than time off to many Britons.

So on second thoughts, May 1st will be just an average day for most of us, but with the enjoyment of past scandal and celebration to meditate on or incite.

the International Working Men’s Association.

The notion was dedicated to Chicago workers who were hanged after striking for an eight-hour working day. Continuing the communist theme, the ‘Carnival against Capitalism’ took place in 1999, as protestors marched outside the International Financial Securities Exchange.

In 2001, May Day truly hit national consciousness as 10,000 protestors, were hemmed in by police at Oxford

don’t make that kind of programming any more because families don’t just sit down to watch the television together", and sadly failed to follow this up with the logical conclusion that "there’s a gap in the market." The days of programmes like The Chronicles of Narnia, The Borrowers and other family teatime treats seem long-gone in these days where every age group, genre and niche audience has their own channel on digital.

Before television went multi-channel, most people were already watching as much television as it’s possible to fit into their lives. The proliferation of channels is merely an increase in quantity, not quality. Since much of television is reliant on advertising for revenue, the fragmenting of audiences also means the fragmenting of resources.

I don’t think reality television and its ilk is the end of civilization. Like most formats, reality TV can be done well or badly. Programming like soaps, gardening programmes, makeover shows, crime dramas and the like have all become tedious not because they are necessarily bad, but they’re churned out quickly and unimaginatively. No, the destructive force of television is that it’s part of a massive system of entertainment and distraction that sucks vast amounts of our time and energy into a vast black hole.

If religion was the opium of the masses in the 19th century, media is the pium of us in the 21st century.

Spark of the Divine

By Revd Dr Lorraine Cavanagh

T

he newness of the academic year brings with it memories of other new beginnings – the look and feel of new classrooms, the smell and texture of new books or the worn look of old ones which have been thumbed and scored by pupils of previous years. The early weeks of a university Degree program have something of all this.

There is excitement about the chosen field of study, seasoned with a degree of trepidation about the subject itself, as well as about the future and practicalities of life in Cardiff – the logistics of getting from A to B and of fitting in so much work and so many activities into what is, after all, only a relatively short period of time.

Taken together, all of these feelings can seem overwhelming at first. So it helps to be clear about why we chose to come to university and why we elected to pursue a particular course of study. The crunch question amounts to something like: ‘Am I doing this because I am intrigued or excited about the subject I’m studying?’ Or ‘Am I doing it because I need a solid qualification as an insurance policy for what are perhaps still hazy plans for the future?’

The best, and probably most common answer, combines both of these

ways of thinking about higher education. It involves creative vision and practical good sense. In other words, if the qualification is to be of any practical use the process of getting it needs to have been a creative one. For this to be possible, the excitement of the first few weeks of working towards a Degree will need to be continually re-ignited over the years by that indefinable spark of energy which is the source of all creativity. In the Christian tradition this spark of creative energy is embodied in the One ‘through whom all things were made’ (to quote the Gospel of St. John).

Creativity in learning requires energy and love in equal measure.

The one continually replenishes the resources of the other. The energy, which derives from wanting to make

something new draws on love – the love of knowledge, leading to a love of understanding for its own sake.

Understanding learned through the discipline of formal study is both enduring and resilient. It supplies the wherewithal to understand what makes others think and behave the way they do - in other words to love them and, in loving them, to contribute to the building of a more just and peaceful society. The creative and practical together form a single qualification for life.

In the months that lie ahead, when the going gets hard due to anxiety, colds and ‘flu, or just the ups and downs and distractions of student life, the divine spark of creativity continues to re-create, or make new, the most routine analytical task or essay. To put it another way, in allowing love to resource the energy with which we undertake study, we tap into the divine creative process itself. This effects a kind of transformation both in terms of our own interest and energy levels (which are mysteriously replenished) and in the way we use our work to further enrich our time at university.

This transformation means that what was once a barren utilitarian approach to higher education and, for that matter, to leisure and nonacademic pursuits, becomes a search for wisdom, the only truly useful qualification for realising our full human potential and for dealing with life.

Page 14

Editorial & Opinion

May 2 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Women: Nuts about Zoo Ballet, not Balls

By Andrew Rennsion

F

unny creatures, women.

They’re a bit like Rubik’s cubes really: undoubtedly fascinating yet utterly confusing. Certainly there’d be no point in me trying to deliver a thesis on females in 500 words.

No wonder then that there are nearly as many men’s magazines as women’s.

Behind the crude photography and articles on The World’s Deadliest Reptiles, lies a deep-rooted bewilderment with the opposite sex, which we try and escape by hiding behind all that masculine paraphernalia.

At least most men know what publications like FHM and Front are for: we know we’ll never work out the mysteries of the fairer sex, so we’ll just stare at boobs and read about RecordBreaking Police Chases to deflect the issue.

But now, even this security may be being eroded.

In the not so distant past, I was queuing up to pay for my week’s shopping at Tesco’s, when I caught sight of the basket ahead of me. It belonged to a woman, maybe in her early twenties, and was ordinary in every way except one. It had a copy of Zoo in it.

‘Probably for a bloke’ I thought, yet the basket contained no beer, no bacon, no free copies of Auto Trader – none of those stereotypical cornerstones that make up the British man. Regardless, the solitary magazine still didn’t seem that extraordinary; I looked away and continued to queue.

Not so many days later, I came into my kitchen – a kitchen with a table always proudly displaying a manly mag on its surface – to find two female friends reading Nuts. I spent a millisecond remembering the lady at the checkout, and then dismissed it all again.

Nuts: Women love ‘em too Mere hours later though, I was starting to ponder once more. The aforementioned girls had continued to read Nuts quite intently for ages, before moving on to the next one available, last week’s Zoo. The pictures, the featurettes, the advice centre: all of these were gleefully looked over by the female eye.

As the weeks went on, this occurred again, and when looking out for it I saw many women on the streets of Cardiff reading similar material.

Now, this isn’t turning into some rant about how boys should be boys and girls should stick to their own crappy magazines. I just struggled to understand what a girl could get out of reading Nuts.

The pictures? Annoying implants combined with vaguely offensive poses? Probably not. The articles?

Irrelevant trash about murder and war and going fast on wheels? I didn’t think so.

But here’s a thought: why do guys tend not to read girls’ mags? Asking around, responses seemed to carry one similarity: men just don’t really care.

Shoes, beauty, weight loss: not only do guys find these subjects unappealing, but they simply couldn’t give a shit.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s the difference. Women might not care about curves and conspiracy theories, but many of them are still curious to see what we read. They have empathy, a desire to understand, and publications like Zoo are a means to that end.

If guys want to get their heads around girls, then they have to make the effort. Maybe, when all’s said and done, we’re just lazy in the head.

By Bethany Whiteside

I

t’s a fact. Male ballet dancers are secretly envied by their more ‘masculine’ sporting counterparts, even as they’re ridiculed and stereotyped as effeminate gay poofs.

In the ‘utopian world’ of the student, where we pride ourselves on our open-mindedness and we set the world to rights in bohemian cafés, the role of the male ballet dancer still has prejudice levelled at it.

The training for the male ballet profession results in a degree of flexibility, strength and general fitness unsurpassed by traditional sports.

Practice takes place for up to twentyfive hours a week encompassing, in addition to dance classes, rehearsals and performances, cardiovascular work, weights and often Pilates and yoga.

Adam Cooper, of Royal Ballet and Adventures in Motion Pictures Matthew Bourne fame, has pulled muscles in his back, had two separate stress fractures in one foot and broken five metatarsal bones in the other. Contrary to popular ignorance, male dancers reach their physical peak, and suffer physical afflictions, through extensive and rigorous training schemes.

The prejudice that revolves around this profession has had appalling consequences for British ballet. The Royal Academy of Dancing has reported that the number of children taking their ballet exams after the age of ten or eleven has dropped by 70%.

This drop in interest is directly linked to the poor standard of home grown dancers. Currently, only a quarter of the English National Ballet company are British. Only two out of the sixteen principal dancers of the Royal Ballet, Jonathan Cope and Darcey Bussell, are British.

This leads on to a whole other topic of discussion; namely the decline of British ballet.

However, myths concerning the sexuality

of male dancers are beginning to be dispelled as ballet is attracting something of a cult following.

Mikhail Nikolaevitch Baryshnikov, who is widely considered one of the greatest dancers of his profession, put the spotlight on ballet as he gained greater coverage with his role of Petrovsky in Sex and the City.

The dancer has performed with the Kirov and Bolshoi Ballets, National Ballet of Canada, American Ballet Theatre and New York City Ballet.

Baryshnikov has famously declared: "I am not the first straight dancer, nor the last."

Affairs in the theatre world are wondrously scandalous and ballet is no exception. Margot Fonteyn and Robert Helpmann are one famous pairing, both on and off the stage, and Baryshnikov was romantically involved with ‘ballerina absolutas’ Natalia Makarova and Gelsey Kirkland. Hence an equation emerges; fit men get it on with fit women.

Another, more unlikely, hero is British favourite Billy Eliot which has prompted a flow of real-life working class-turned-dancer stories, and raised the profile of the British ballet scene.

However, the professions is still not being seen in a serious light. The stereotypical theatrical nancy is being replaced by the image of the boy dancer tied to his mother’s apron strings, being pushed forward in search of fame, to make his parents proud.

The male ballet dancer has a long tradition within the cultural world; the role has flitted between solely existing as a female prop, as only suitable for gay nancys and more recently as a path to fame and fortune.

The argument made here is that myths need to be dispelled for the profession to be accepted in its own right; for technical artistry and physical conditioning, rather than sexuality and over-bearing mother’s to be seen as the norm.

As B a r y s h n i k ov remarked: "No one is born a dancer. You have to want it more than anything."

BILLY: il aime la pirouette

Taf-Od

2 Mai 2005

Tud 15

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Claddu Cymro Gan Lois Dafydd Gohebydd Taf-Od TALWYD TEYRNGED i Dr Gwynfor Evans yn rhifyn diwethaf TafOd, a’r wythnos hon cynhaliwyd ei angladd yng Nghapel Seion, Aberystwyth. Ers cyhoeddi ei farwolaeth ar Ebrill 21 dechreuodd y genedl dalu ei theyrnged i un o’i haelodau amlycaf yn ystod yr ugeinfed ganrif.

Bu’n mynychu Capel Seion yn ystod ei gyfnod yn fyfyriwr yn y dref, a dywedodd aelod o’r teulu wrth y BBC, ‘yr ydym yn awyddus fod y gwasanaeth yn Aberystwyth yn gyfle i bobl Cymru ddiolch am fywyd Gwynfor.’

Cynhaliwyd

gwasanaeth preifat yn ei gartref yn Nhalar Wen am 11, ac o achos gwaeledd ni allai ei wraig, Rhiannon, na’i chwaer, Ceridwen, fynychu’r oedfa angladdol. Ond talwyd teyrnged iddynt ill dwy, yn ogystal â’i frawd, Alcwyn, a oedd yn yr y capel.

Ar brynhawn Mercher, Ebrill 27, aeth dros 2,000 o bobl i Gapel Seion a Chapel Bethel, gyda thua 500 wedi ymgynnull y tu allan. Trefnwyd system sain i sicrhau y gallai’r 500 hynny ymuno yn y cofio, a darlledodd S4C y gwasanaeth yn fyw. Am 1.30 arweiniodd pibydd yr hers at Gapel Seion, a ddilynwyd gan tua 40 aelod o deulu Gwynfor, gyda’r aelodau Plaid Cymru Elfyn Llwyd, Simon Thomas, Adam Price a

Rhodri Glyn Thomas yn cludo’r arch i’r capel. Gohiriodd y blaid ei hymgyrch etholiadol tan drannoeth, er cof am ei chyn-lywydd, ac ymunodd aelodau o bleidiau gwleidyddol eraill yn y cofio. Mae’n amlwg bod y parch tuag at y dyn sy’n cael ei ystyried gan nifer fel gwleidydd mwya’r ugeinfed ganrif yn eang o fewn y byd gwleidyddol, a thu hwnt, er nad oes pawb yn cytuno â’i syniadau.

Agorodd Andrew Lenny, gweinidog Capel Seion, y gwasanaeth cyn trosglwyddo’r awennau i weinidog Gwynfor ym Mhencarreg, D. Huw Roberts. Caed teyrngedau gan aelodau blaenllaw o Blaid Cymru: Jill Evans, Cynog Dafis, yr Arglwydd Ellis Thomas,

Ieuan Wyn Jones, Dafydd Wigley, a Dafydd Iwan a ddarllenodd addasiad o un o’i ganeuon cynharaf, ‘Wyt ti’n Cofio?’, yn arbennig ar gyfer yr achlysur.

Cafodd Gwynfor Evans ei gofio yn y gwasanaeth angladdol am ei wladgarwch, ei heddychiaeth a’i ffydd Gristnogol. ‘Y peth tebycaf i angladd gwladol a welodd y Gymry Gymraeg erioed’ oedd disgrif iad Rhys Evans, ei gof iannydd.

Symudodd y gwasanaeth i’r amlosgfa am 3 o’r gloch, a bydd llwch Gwynfor yn cael ei wasgaru dros y Garn Goch, un o fryn geyrydd Celtaidd Sir Gaerfyrddin, lle y byddai’n hoff o fynd i fwynhau llonydd a chael ysbrydoliaeth. Er na fu’n weithgar ers rhai blynyddoedd,

Gwynfor Evans: Cymro o Fry roedd ei ddylanwad yn dal yn amlwg, ac fe fydd hi’n amser cyn i rywun gymryd ei le, os o gwbl.

Adenydd yn Hedfan Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od ROEDD GWEITHWYR o Gymru yn dathlu’r wythnos ddiwethaf wedi i awyren newydd Airbus, yr A380, hedfan yn llwyddiannus am y tro cyntaf.

Hedfanodd yr awyren, a fydd yr un fwyaf erioed i gludo teithwyr, o faes awyr cenedlaethol Toulouse yn Ffrainc am 0930 fore Mercher 27ain Ebrill,

cyn dychwelyd yno am 1325.

Mae adenydd yr A380 yn cael eu cynhyrchu yn ffatri Airbus yn Broughton, Sir Fflint, a dangoswyd lluniau byw o’r daith gyntaf yma i’w 6,000 o weithwyr.

Pan gyhoeddwyd mai llwyddiant fu’r daith arbrofol cafodd miloedd o swyddi eu diogeli, ac mae gennym reswm arall i ymfalchïo yn ein Cymreictod.

Hyd yn hyn mae 180 o’r awyrennau

wedi cael eu harchebu, ond er mwyn i’r cwmni adennill yr £8.4bn a wariwyd wrth ei datblygu mae angen i nifer yr archebion gynyddu i 300.

Mae’r awyren yn defnyddio 4 injan Rolls-Royce Trent 900 a ddatblygwyd yn arbennig ar gyfer yr A380.

Bydd yr awyren yn cael ei rhoi ar brofion hedfan eraill, gyda’r gobaith iddi ddechrau cludo teithwyr yn ystod haf 2006.

A* - Yr Airbus A380; Chwith - Adeiladu’r Adenydd yn Broughton; Dde - Cymrud i’r awyr am y tro cymtaf

Science

May 2 2005

Page 17

science@gairrhydd.com

Flood water creates cash flow Cardiff engineers may have the solution to the worsening flood problem in the UK

By Chris Matthews Science Editor

Science in brief

F

ive million or roughly one in ten people in England and Wales are at risk from flooding.

This data, issued by the Environment Agency (EA), may seem to give an exaggerated view of but the national flood helpline is the second most dialled number in the UK after 999.

Since 1998 more than 30 people have been killed in the UK as a direct result of flood water and, although not on the scale of other natural disasters, the increasing trend towards major flooding in the UK every decade is taking a real toll on Britain.

Although the UK does not regularly see tidal waves or hurricanes, four inches of water will ruin your carpet, six inches of fast flowing water can knock you off your feet, and two feet of flood water will float your car.

Homes built in flood risk areas number 2.2 million in the UK with many owners unable to insure their property.

The Association of British Insurers (ABI) predicts that the number of homes classed as ‘uninsurable’ will soar over the next 30 years as the EA releases a quarterly map which increases the area of the ‘at risk’ zone.

Homeowners unable to insure their homes may be given grants in a new proposal, the grants would be used to pay for DIY flood defences including window boards and sandbags.

Barbara Young of the EA said: "Climate change is now the biggest threat to our future. Recent floods, storms and droughts have shown how vulnerable Britain is, with the cost of repairing damage from extreme weather and floods rising 60% since 1998."

By Chris Matthews

A hard little pecker

THE FORD AQUA: Cars swept away by raging torrents Scientists confirm evidence of increasing winter season heavy rainfall and river flow extremes in Britain in the last 30 to 40 years, consistent with predictions of human-induced climate change. This suggests that protecting buildings and land from flooding will become an increasingly difficult task without prior warning of the effects of heavy rainfall.

This is where Cardiff Engineering researchers Professor Roger Falconer and Dr Binliang Lin hope to help.

They have recently received a grant as part of the Flood Risk Management Consortium Project which will be used to improve computer technology used to predict water movement in the event of major flooding.

The Cardiff team hope to link their 2-dimensional flood model with a more widely used 1-dimensional model, this combination will allow flood levels and speed to be accurately simulated, even through complex urban areas.

The system is supported by airborne land topography data which allows the model to simulate flood waves passing through buildings and narrow streets which was recently tested in a flood simulation of London.

Flooding: the facts

■ Rainfall for September to November 2000 was the highest since records began in 1766.

■ Property, land and assets to the value of £214 billion are at risk of flooding in England and Wales.

■ Six inches of fast flowing water will knock you off your feet; four inches of water will ruin your carpet, and two feet of water will float your car.

■ Floodline offers advice on flooding and can be contacted on 0845 988 188.

A SPECIES of Woodpecker thought to be extinct since 1920 has been found alive in North America.

The news, reported by Science magazine, has stunned the ornithological world provided hope that other species though to be extinct may still exist.

The red, white and black woodpecker was formerly found across the south-eastern US and Cuba but was spotted in Arkansas

by Gene Sparling when on canoeing trip.

The find is incredibly significant and was described by Frank Gill of the National Audubon Society as "huge, just huge. It is kind of like finding Elvis".

Big bird takes to the skies THE AIRBUS A380 successfully took to the skies last week making it the largest flying passenger plane in history.

The plane took of from Toulouse airport with a 20 tonne test cargo and flew across the Bay of Biscay remaining in the air for four hours.

The plane was scrutinised by a panel of air safety experts as well as thousands of aeroplane enthusiasts.

Speaking after he landed the plane, test pilot Claude Lelaie said the flight was a "milestone".

The A380 can seat 555 people; considerably more than the 416 seats in the Boeing 747, Airbus hopes the larger capacity will make long haul travel more affordable.

Resting rodents MICE AT the University of Washington have been placed in a state comparable to ‘suspended animation’.

It was achieved by placing the mice in a tank filled with air containing 80 parts per million of hydrogen sulphide. Although the substance is deadly in higher concentrations, when administered at a careful dose it can slow breathing and metabolism rates. The treatment caused a 90% drop in metabolic rate and a reduction from 120 breaths per minute to just ten.

The mice were given fresh air after which their metabolic and breathing rates returned to normal with no side effects.

It is hoped this technique could be applied to humans and even have applications for long distance space travel.

Jobs & Money

Page 18

May 2 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Night of the living debt

By Carly O’Donnell Jobs and Money Editor

F

orget Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster. In today’s world there lurks a darker, more sinister evil and it’s called the credit card.

Every day, innocent young victims are enthralled by the promise of the credit card and, heeding the warning of elders, are left in the grip of ‘The Debt.’

In its eternal search for fresh blood ‘The Debt’ has entered the student domain and is probably tempting you as we speak.

A few months ago a friend of mine was tempted by the glossy lure of ‘The Debt.’ The 6x4cm plasticular demon can appear in many disguises including jellybeans and Union Jacks. Her particular card shrouded its evil beneath puppies. Sick and wrong.

For a while she appeared to have a fantastic relationship with Mr. Plastic.

He took her out for meals, bought her clothes, make-up and shoes. They even went on a trip to America together. She began to wonder why it had taken her so long to commit to a credit card.

One morning as she revelled in her wise financial management a thud was heard at the door. It was a bill. The mischievous credit card demon had struck at 29.9% APR and a new relationship with ‘The Debt’ took over.

Just a horror story?

Okay, so you’ve probably heard this credit card horror story before. Most of us have had a bad experience or know someone else who has, but consider

DEMON IN DISGUISE: What’s Hiding in your wallet?

why so many people want to warn you off credit cards? Drum roll please...debt.

Examine your financial situation and decide whether further debt is justifiable. If you need funds then talk to your bank about an extended overdraft or apply for a grant or loan from the university. If you are still finding it difficult to raise the necessary cash and feel a credit card is the only way forward then check out out our essential credit card check list or you could end up in the grip of ‘The Debt’.

APR Explained The first problem with applying for a credit card can be understanding the jargon. The most important thing to consider is the APR - the monthly interest charge multiplied by twelve months.

For example if you have an APR of 10.2% and a balance of £1000 this means your monthly interest will be: 10.2% divided by 12 months or 0.85% of your outstanding balance for that month.

Therefore, monthly interest on a balance of £1000 with 10.2% APR will be £1000 X 0.85% or £8.50. Simple, eh?

As a result, the amount of interest you will pay over the year will be a total of your outstanding balances added to the amount you still owe from the previous month.

The APR is probably the most important consideration in choosing a credit card. If you don’t clear the balance every month it will impact your repayments. Standard APR on a student credit card is usually higher so be wary of free gifts used to woo the unwitting student.

The essential credit OVERDRAWN AND OVER HERE card cheque-list

By Tom Scobie Jobs and Money Editor

1) If you intend to pay off your debt in full each month, you should avoid the unnecessary expense of paying an annual fee.

6) If you are attracted by an introductory cheap rate of interest, make sure the card's standard rate, to which you will return, is good value too.

2) If you’ll be making small repayments or need a vast amount of credit, you should choose the card with the lowest interest rate.

7) Avoid using your card for cash withdrawals, particularly if you repay your bill in full. You will end up paying unnecessary interest. If you travel extensively, check on the cost of foreign exchange transactions, which range from a good value one per-cent to a hefty 2.5 percent.

3) Check how long the interest-free credit period is. It could be as long as 56 days, but companies with lower interest rates may offer no interest free period.

4) Watch out for the small print. Some companies fine you if you fail to make the minimum payment (five per-cent) on time.

5) If you have a large credit card debt, look for the special offers that allow you to switch your debt to another company at a cheaper rate of interest.

For further information about applying for a credit card check out these webpages:

http://www.student-creditcard.co.uk/ http://www.thebigchoice.c om/Student_credit_cards/ http://money.msn.co.uk/S tudent/default.asp

M

anaging a low cash flow is difficult at the best of times, but imagine doing that without an overdraft facility.

That’s what many overseas students are encountering when dealing with UK banks, the NUS claims.

An NUS survey revealed that international students are frequently denied chequebooks and an overdraft, which for many is the only way to manage until the next loan installment. Out of 1,700 students interviews by the NUS, 27% did not have a debit card, 53% had no overdraft facility and 48% did not have a chequebook.

A representative from the British Bankers Association argued that banks have to take into consideration credit risk and that is was very hard to assess an overseas student’s risk.

Many banks require some years worth of credit history. So, if you have just arrived in the country and don’t yet have a university address it is extremely difficult to judge the risk. If a student borrows £2,000 and

then leaves the country there is no way for the banks to get their money back.

People would have to provide proof of ID and a home address to be eligible for an account.

On top of the rising university costs, increases in living costs and the government’s rise in visa charges, the lack of the same privileges given to UK students is hitting international students hard.

Barclays Bank offer three ways in which overseas students can gain an account, although still not compara-

ble with those available to UK students. Firstly, an account can be opened with provided their parents have a balance £10,000. Secondly, a cash-only account is available which is free but has but has no overdraft facility. Finally, students with a balance of £2,000 can qualify for an account.

However, the NUS see the current situation as unsatisfactory, with UK universities treating overseas students as sources of funding while not ensuring they get the support other students receive.

Overseas students should be able to use this more often.

Jobs & Money

May 2 2005

Page 19

jobs@gairrhydd.com

News in brief English students turn to Scotland and Wales THERE HAS been a distinct rise in applications from English students to Welsh and Scottish universities before the introduction of top-up fees in England, UCAS recently announced.

Applications to begin degree courses this year have risen by eight per-cent that’s an extra 32,000 students in the areas affected.

Fees and access packages unveiled by universites THE INTRODUCTION of top-up tuition fees has taken a move closer to becoming reality as information regarding a support package of ‘non-refundable’ cash for poorer students was made public.

The government’s university regulator has given the go ahead for the £3,000 top-up fees accompanied by a £300m support package offered by over 100 universities for an estimated 400,000 students from poorer backgrounds.

They include a top-end grant of £3,000 as well as other types of benefit such as transport and sport passes, book vouchers and even free bikes and computers. Sir Martin Harris, director of the

Office for Fair Access said that the overall amount of £300m had been more generous than he expected from universities and that he hoped to see a corresponding increase in the number of bursaries.

Alcohol and fruit smoothie?

MONEY-SAVING STUDENTS heavily laden with debt are shunning alcohol and a night-out to stay at home. Aston University is so concerned by the decline in alcohol sales that it is considering a switch to juice and noodle bars to boost revenue. The fall in turnover from £521,000 in 1999 to £388,000 in 2004 has threatened their level of welfare services.

The union now plans to include ‘nonalcoholic social space’, reflecting the change in lifestyle and disposable income of students.

Many live locally with parents and there is also a significant Asian and Muslim population who don’t drink much, if at all.

Further, many students return home for the weekends so opening is becoming less viable. Aston University expcet the trend to continue in the future as topup fees approach and more overseas students arrive to study.

Marketing Assistant £15,139 per annum – 35 hours per week Cynorthwyydd marchnata £15,139 y flwyddyn -35 awr yr wythnos Cardiff University Students’ Union is a student-led, equal opportunities employer, providing a wide range of services and facilities to over 20,000 students.

Based in the Marketing Department you will assist the Marketing Manager in the delivery of a marketing service to all departments, including entertainments. In addition it is anticipated that the role will take on operational responsibility for both market research and the Union`s website.

The successful applicant will be a graduate with at least one year`s experience of working in a marketing team, have experience of working to tight deadlines, and be able to manage their time sufficiently to deal with multiple projects.

Further information is available on our website www.cardiffstudents.com/main/recruitment For an application pack please contact Louise Dibble, Personnel Department, telephone: 029 20781431 or email dibbleL@cardiff.ac.uk.

Closing date for applications: Friday 13th May 2005. It is anticipated that interviews will be held week commencing 16th May 2005 Diben Undeb Myfyrwyr Caerdydd yw gwasanaethu anghenion y 20, 000 o bobl sy’n astudio ym mhrifysgol Caerdydd. Myfyrwyr sy’n rhedeg yr Undeb, sy’n gyflogwr cyfle cyfartal.

Mi fyddwch yn gweithio yn yr adran farchnata weithgar a chreadigol.

Eich gwaith fydd cynorthwyo gwasanaeth marchnata i bob adran, gan gynnwys Adloniant. Mi fyddwch hefyd yn gyfrifol am ymchwil i’r farchnad ac am safle rhyngrwyd yr Undeb.

Mi fyddwch â gradd, ac o leiaf un flynedd o brofiad o weithio mewn tîm marchnata. Mi fydd disgwyl i chi weithio i ofynion amser tyn, ac i fedru gweithio ar fwy nag un prosiect ar y tro.

Mae yna ragor o wybodaeth ar ein safle rhyngrwyd, www.cardiffstudents.com/main/recruitment Mae yna ragor o wybodaeth ar ein safle rhyngrwyd, www.cardiffstudents.com/main/recruAm ffurflen gais, cysylltwch â Louise Dibble, Personél, ar (029) 2078 1431 neu e-bost dibbleL@cardiff.ac.uk Y dyddiad olaf ar gyfer derbyn eich cais yw dydd Gwener, y 13ain o Fai 2005. Rydyn ni’n rhagweld y bydd cyfweliadau’n cael eu cynnal yn ystod yr wythnos sy’n dechrau ar y 16ain o Fai 2005.

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Swydd/Job:

Work and Travel USA

USA At least minimum wage and + depending on positions TBC Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: June 1st – September/October Manylion/Details: IST Plus Work and Travel USA programme offers the opportunity to finance your summer holiday travels while experiencing true American culture in the way no tourist ever can!

Essential requirements: Full time university student returning to full time education in the autumn.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 120 Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage:

USA Camp Councellor & Support Staff USA Ardal/Area: Dependent on age and experiTal/Wage: ence Flexible Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Leaving between May 19th and June 30th Manylion/Details: Duties: Camp Counsellor: Instructor of an activity (sports, arts, life-guarding) and responsible for a group of children ranging from age 6 - 16.

Support Staff: Kitchen, maintenance, office based work.

Essential requirements: Over 18, enthusiasm, patience, fun, love of children, confidence, flexibility.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 122

Swydd/Job:

Hospitality Staff

Cardiff/Newport £5 p/hr 8 hrs per day for 4 days Thursday 2nd June – Sunday 5th June Manylion/Details: 70 X Hospitality staff (Food and Beverage Assistants) required for the Wales Golf Open at the Celtic Manor.

Essential requirements: Friendly hard working and available for the 4 days. Excellent presentation, good customer service and previous experience an advantage but not essential.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 125 Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration:

Swydd/Job:

Swydd/Job:

Freewheel Host

Austria/Switzerland £170 p/wk Flexible, Daytime Start-end of June/early June 4-8 weeks Manylion/Details: Hosts are required to provide information and support to guests, to meet them at airports and stations, transfer luggage and liase with hotels. You should have a mature outlook, speak proficient German or French, possess a full driving licence, have a pleasant personality and knowledge of bicycle maintenance.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 124 Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration:

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Media

Page 20

May 2 2005

media@gairrhydd.com

A politician’s best friend In a society where the media dominates our lives, it’s no wonder Politicians are choosing to harness the potential of this weapon

By Heather Casey Media Correspondent

T

here are various methods of getting information across to voters. It can’t just be my letter box which is rammed every morning with flyers, posters and letters from local constituents.

It’s not just me that watches the nauseous meet and greet pictures and touring schedules of the Westminster parties on the Lunchtime news. In fairness, it is to be expected; after all we’ve just experienced our own election shenanigans. It is the time of selling your soul to the general public.

Has Politics and its use of the media got a bit out of hand? The easiest and most powerful way to get messages across to the electorate is to Broadcast them. Whether through Radio, Television or the Internet, Political messages, are put into our daily routines, the ideology behind it perhaps not being noted as much as it should With the internet you can download your own liberal democrat screensaver which updates you with party news, track the labour party tour bus or the read transcriptions of Michael Howard’s newest speeches.

BBC Radio 2& 4, Virgin, Classic and Talk FM allows the broadcasting of a factual programme around three minutes long. Finally, we think of Party Political Broadcasting on Television showing you see the leader and what the party is about.

For this reason, I’m sure my student household isn’t unlike thousands of others when it comes to Party Political Broadcasts. As soon as we see that ballot box visual, we all fight for the remote, even if it means watching Emmerdale. In the event of enduring a PPB, various comments are made over the parting of Charles Kennedy’s hair or if you squint, how much Gordon Brown does resemble jabber the hut.

Surely there’s got to be something serious about it all?

Well, one thing to be noted about Party Political Broadcasts, whether you watch them or not, is the volume of them. In the run up to the 2001 elec-

tions the combined total of PPB’s shown on TV was 298. The statistics reflect all 5 terrestrial channels, where ITV includes HTV & UTV, Channel four including S4C. With the break down shows the major parties as follows Labour 53, Conservative 53, Lib Dem 48. Plaid Cymru had 22 as did the SNP with other parties such as UKIP using 12, and the Greens 7.

Regulations OfCom rules mean other organisations qualify for broadcast if "they contest one sixth, or more, seats up for election." You can download this year’s Broadcasts from the major parties’ internet sites. The first for each party were "Blair and Brown" for Labour, "Choices" for Conservative and "A Political Journey" for Liberal Democrats.

“In the 2001 election Labour spent £97 million on advertising” The use of Party Political Broadcasting is also part of a larger advertising strategy that sells politics as something of a product. It was the general economical swing of the late 1980’s that saw advertising which took notice of the environment in which a product is placed, and how it assumes its identity. Prime examples are those of Starbucks, Nike and Virgin.

The change in Politics and media advertising began in the 1980’s when Saatchi ans Saatchi were hired alongside a Television producer to advice Margaret Thatcher and the Conservatives.

Thatcher gave herself a ‘Television friendly’ look, maximising her femininity and started playing the media to her advantage. Done through having a tour bus giving her party and the press

Bush: Busy kissing a well known party supporter!

easy access and giving talks just before the news was aired.

Advertising became simple. There was an increased use of actors and ‘visions’ of parties were referred to rather than policies Into the 1990’s campaigns started to concentrate not on their strengths, but on the other parties’ weaknesses. In 1997 labour hired Saatchi and Saatchi for their Party Political Broadcast, concentrating on the negative campaigning against the Conservatives, introducing Labour back into power.

In the 2001 election run up Labour spent £97 million pounds on advertising, producing a vision of ‘new labour’ which used as many celebrities as they could in their campaigns. Using Geri Halliwell and the entire cast of Hollyoaks to get the younger voters, suggesting a kind of ‘utopian’ vision.

Deception before election It seems that before the run up of elections, politics and advertising aren’t far away. Obviously a government won’t be popular if it spends its budget on advertising itself, yet it has been suggested that Tony Blair has used some ‘look at what we’ve done’ advertising to boost popularity.

The most memorable commented on are the adverts for the NHS which listed the amount of doctors, nurses and medical staff needed to aid the recovery of a boy who was being run over.

Interestingly, this is a strategy Tony Blair himself had criticised the Conservative party of doing in the 1980’s.

Blair: Fighting for the young votes any way he can!

Some have taken the saturation issue into their own hands. The Tories handwritten pledges on Billboards, heading their 2005 Party Political Campaign, have been deafaced the most, changing "It’s not racist to impose limits on immigration" to "It’s not racist to deport Tories." Another public retaliation to it all is with the example of an internet site : www.kryogenix.org/code/conposter/in dex.php giving you the chance to ‘make your own’ Tory poster in line with the ones humorously defaced by the public.

After 2005 The future of Party Political Broadcasting in the face of Digital Switchover means that Of Com are yet to determine what’s acceptable to reach the voting audience of a range of channels. At the moment there are no

obligations imposed on satellite broadcasters to carry particular broadcasting, except in a ‘State of Emergency’.

I’m not too sure how Gordon Brown could be sold to the audience of Desperate Housewives, what kind of reception Michael Howard would get between Pimp My Ride and Room Raiders.

One thing which we can be sure of though is that political parties are currently banned from buying advertising space (aka our minds) from broadcasters.The Electorial Commission comments about the US campaigning as "hugely expensive and often too simplistic."

The old style media may be out of reach for the politicians, or at least regulated, but perhaps we should turn our attention to the interent. What’s to stop them from filling our minds with baby kissing, and smiley faces?

Free Stuff

May 2 2005

Page 21

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Grab Your Sombrero Now I know there is a certain date when we have to be serious. On May 5 we have to consider our election choices carefully and do our best to make sure that neither Mr Howard nor Mr Blair get into parliament, although something tells me that possibly one of them might just make it. Damn, there so many things I’m unhappy with in this world. If you follow my point of view I have a great competition to get your mind off election day gloom.

Celebrate May 5 Mexican Style when Cuervo Tequila brings a Mexican Holiday to the UK. The holiday celebrates a famous Mexican victory over the French in 1862 and Cuervo Tequila, drawing on its authentic Mexican roots, is delighted to bring the festivities to the UK with a truly liberating party experience. Much more fun than politics anyway.

Although we won’t get a day off like they do in Mexico, Cuervo Tequila is offering you lucky readers

the chance to win a Cuervo De Mayo Party Kit so you can party the night away with your own Cuervo De Mayo celebration. Mexicans certainly know how to have fun and so will you with the Cuervo De Mayo Party Kit. The kit includes a cocktail set, bottle of tequila, a T-shirt and CD – all you need to get your party off with a Mexican bang. The prize also includes two new cocktail recipes, created especially for the Cuervo De Mayo festivities, offering some tasty new ways to drink tequila and get blind drunk in the process. Nice.

Our very own Geordie Chris has given me his own personal review on Cuervo Tequila, just so I know I’m not advertising crap on my page. In his own words, it’s great

Shocking

The perfect thing to finish off my alcohol special, a wonderful competition giving away loads of After Shock to you lucky readers. Who, I’m sure, all need a break from your coursework and revision.

To celebrate the launch of the brand new After Shock Black, the drink is going on tour of universities and will be visiting us very soon. On the May 13 After Shock will transform our Students’ Union into a venue for freaks and geeks to celebrate the enormous amount of alcohol we students consume.

And why the hell not? This will not be, by any means, your average night out.

The crew will be on hand to create a night you’ll never forget. Or remember, possibly.

The tour features all sorts of colourful characters including the writhing 'Disco Thing', our OAP 'After Shock Grandma', the rather vacant 'Cheerleader Girl' and not forgetting stubbly 'Dave the Cloakroom Tranny’.

Whatever that is. All will be present in our Union on May 13, complete with lots of After Shock, of course.

I’m told that if you buy an After Shock for your mate, you can watch Disco Thing as it grooves and grinds towards them and shows them some After Shock love, because we all want a little bit of that.

Later on in the night, why not pay Grandma a visit? She ain’t your average grandma.

She loves her After Shock and her wild nights out. Keep your eye on her teapot though - she has a number of surprises in store for you at the end of the night.

To get the party started and for your chance to win a bottle and create your own pure moments of After Shock, send in your most After Shocking pictures to the address above (by which I mean you must be pissed). The best one wins a bottle of the After Shock Black, with its unique combination of cranberry hot and cool.

stuff, and it makes him happy.

All the reason to head to your local off licence today and pick up a bottle. Then again you could win this ‘magnifico’ kit that’s sure to make you very happy indeed. All you need to do is answer this easy question: Which country does Cuervo Tequila come from? a) b) c)

Morocco Malta Mexico

Enter in the usual way and remember ladies and gents, drink responsibly. Amongst all the fun, remember to get down to the polling station, even if you are pissed off your nut. In fact it may make the whole experience much more interesting. If you don’t do politics, there is not much you actually do. Good luck, kids.

We Invite You Fancy doing your bit for charity this year?

Well here’s your chance - and you can make some amazing savings at the same time.

Following the excellent response to their Cardiff pilot edition, community publishers The BIG Fundraiser have launched their 2005 Invitation Leisure and Dining book with a new look and even more savings.

The Cardiff book, the first of its kind in the country, is crammed with over 250 tearout half-price and two-for-one vouchers, plus a members’ dining card for use in the best regional restaurants.

The total savings in the book total up to a massive £4,000, yet the book is retailed at only £15. Up to £5 of the price goes to a wide range of local charities, community groups and good causes.

Now available in bookshops, supermarkets and leading newsagents throughout Cardiff, the book is also sold as a fundraising tool by schools, charities and community groups to friends, family and supporters.

The idea is based on the highly successful American Entertainment book, now in its 45th year, which last year generated more than £60 million for charity.

The 2005 edition, now in a new handier

And the Winner is…

pocket-sized format, also has an extra feature, a members’ dining card. Having bought the book, purchasers register their unique book number to receive a privilege dining card for use in over 50 local restaurants. They can then take advantage of exclusive introductory offers such as twofor-one main courses. Members will also receive new offers throughout the year which are not in the book, including admission discounts at family favourites like Alton Towers and Madame Tussaud’s in London.

So what are you waiting for? Head down to your local book store today and grab yourself a copy. On the other hand, you could just answer this really easy question, as I have five copies of the book to give away. Am I not good to you?

How much can you save with the 2005 Invitation Leisure and Dining book? Enter in the usual way.

Congratulations to Nicola Herwin, who has won herself a Life Aquatic gift pack. I will let you know when your prize is ready. Lots of alcohol for you this week my loves, just the thing to get you through your pre-exam blues. Don’t overdo it though. If you fancy anything on the page this week, simply email me at the address above.

Good luck, my children.

Letters

Page 22

May 2 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

The gair rhydd letters page Hi guys, I wanted to say that your letters are brilliant this week and keep up the good work. As you may know Perri is leaving Letters Desk and moving on to become News Editor next year. I will be taking charge of the page and am looking forward to reading your thoughts. Please please write in because this is your page. Your views are valued because they help us make this paper even better. And they provide amusement. Dave Menon

The Pope isn’t a politician...

With reference to TV Manners' rant about the late Pope, I am bemused as to why he thinks the position must be filled by a raving leftie. The teachings of the Catholic faith are quite clear - contraception, abortion and homosexuality are sins. If you don't agree with Catholic doctrine, don't be a Catholic. There are plenty of other Christian denominations you can choose from. Or you can shun religion altogether, realising it’s all rubbish designed to control the masses anyway. But what you can't do is change the teachings to fit a leftie PC agenda. Otherwise, they might as well bin the whole of the ten commandments, which would, in effect, be Satanism.

I'm sorry if pointing out this blindingly obvious fact is offensive to the PC brigade (I'm not really, because they're all hypocritical morons), but either you subscribe to the doctrine 100% or you're not a Catholic.

Simple, really.

Yours, Andrew Caldicott.

... he just follows the rules...

Wow! Yet another person who's read The DaVinci Code and so thinks they know everything about Catholicism!

I, as a Catholic, read ‘Pope on the ropes’ with an open mind, but was confronted with an narrow minded, offensive piece of journalism. Yes the Catholic Church isn't perfect, but this article seemed to omit all the good, positive things Pope John-Paul II did.

text

Perri.

What people need to remember is that even if you don’t agree with it, all the Pope is doing is following the rule book (the Bible) which surely is what someone in charge would do... follow the rules. The article was misinformed and quick to judge and by coming out with crap like this Manners is showing himself to be as narrow minded and insular as he portrays the Pope and the Catholic Church to be.

Karen.

... but are these rules right?

TV Manners, what a wonderful, wonderful man. ‘Pope on the ropes’ told it like it is.

The article may have ignored many of John-Paul II’s achievements, but after the hour-by-hour constant coverage of his last days, his death and his funeral I think we all know how he inspired the youth and destroyed communism blah blah blah. After all the sycophantic tributes in the aftermath of his death it is time for the reality of his papacy to be exposed.

TV Manners did just that, albeit in the small publication of gair rhydd.

It disgusts me that so much of the world reveres a man with such homophobic and sexist beliefs. How can women or gay people ever achieve acceptance and equality in society if one of the world’s most prolific religious leaders is preaching against them?

But then again I guess we should expect nothing more from the

07791165837

When masturbation’s lost its fun you’re fucking lazy.

Girls, if you’re gonna streak have the common decency to take ALL your clothes off.

If at first you don’t succeed...Skydiving may not be for you.

I have catholic babies Tom where are your pubic haires?

Church. The institution that loves all men, unless they’re gay. The institution that will only allow those with certain genitals to be priests. If any other organisation in the world was so explicitly against gay people, or had rules preventing a woman from joining its managerial team, we’d sue their arses off.

Print my txt u bastards Why the fuck can’t I get laid?

I have the sausage I have the power Why only two nipples? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah no Fuck. I pissed myself again.

NUS’s secret Labour agenda?

It was with great dismay that I received a letter this morning from Jon Owen Jones, Labour's candidate in Cardiff Central. In the letter, targeted at students, Mr Jones brags about being given honorary life membership of NUS, for his "consistent opposition to top-up fees."

NUS Wales President, James Knight, an active member of the Labour party, was highly praising of Mr Jones but neglected to mention his record of voting for tuition fees three times and failing to attend the third vote on top-up fees, helping to ensure debt and hardship for generations of students to come.

To me, this award is an abuse of the NUS and James Knight should be ashamed for putting his Labour party friends before the wellbeing of students across Wales.

Less than two months ago, I joined thousands of other Cardiff students in voting to remain affiliated to the NUS. Had I realised at the time that our affiliation fee would go towards Tony Blair's re-election campaign, I may well have voted differently.

Regards, Dom Hannigan.

Summer (ball) blues So it’s that time of year again, exam period. Only difference being that these are now my finals. So I'll be looking forward to seeing the back of these examinations and I thought a good way to celebrate the end would be to have the biggest partying session at the summer ball. But oh no, not this year (again might I add).

Once more the summer ball has been scheduled for a date prior to the end of the examinations. This has happened to me and some of my friends every year since joining university.

Why don't they have the sense to put an event such as this, which everyone would want to attend, at the end of the exam period, for example on the Friday when all the exams are over?

Isn't that more fair and logical? I will probably still end up going because it’s my last chance but knowing I've got my last exam on Monday I'm sure I won’t be having the party I had imagined several months ago. I know other people are in the same position, I just can't believe it’s happened again!

Disgruntled third year Economics student.

Rennison’s reply In reply to David Griffiths' Letter of the Week, I just wanted to straighten out a few things. In answer to his questions: was I trying to be witty?

Probably, I don't really remember, but yeah he was right, that particular sentence wasn't that funny, and was probably only there to further my anti-chav agenda.

Regional accents? Where did that come from? Chavs aren't a regional

thing in my eyes, more a nation wide problem. Insults based on class? I think we were reading from different pages; I never realised chavs were a whole class of their own. My understanding is that you're not born a chav; it's not your background, it's your character. Besides, I took issue with that person based on their words, not on my irrelevant opinion of their character.

Finally, nope, I don't think that women are inferior, that's a moronic concept. If that's how my article came across, then I offer my apologies, obviously I wasn't reading into the possible finer implications of my words. But seriously, relax when you're reading gair rhydd; you're treating my article like some critical study. Thanks for the publicity though.

Andrew Rennison Please email your letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com

corrections and clarifications We apologise for the article Cofio Gwynfor Evans (GR784), which was an unproofed draft that was accidently put on the page We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

letter of the week Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas. They will be available from the forth floor of the Union.

Catholicism and the corroding condoms I was fascinated to read TV Manners’ attempt to attack the late Pope. He clearly finds little evidence to incriminate John-Paul II, instead relying on events that took place in the 12th and 13th Centuries and under other leaders to express his somewhat misplaced discontent. Pope John-Paul was far from ‘hidden away in the depths of the Vatican.’ He visited over a hundred countries in his lifetime, promoting non-violent revolution, an ideal that is certainly not ‘outdated.’ The ‘air of secrecy’ Manners claims surrounded John-Paul certainly wasn’t manifested through his outspokenness against oppressive governments and contribution to the collapse of communism.

As convenient as it may be for Manners to blame the spread of the AIDs virus entirely on the head of the Catholic Church, his argument

just does not stand up. Even were the Pope to allow it, contraception would not solve the AIDs problem.

Friends of mine have worked closely with Catholics in Uganda and the truth is that without the proper education to go with them, the distribution of condoms in developing countries only promotes a more promiscuous lifestyle. The condoms also corrode in the tropical climate, therefore spreading the disease further while the victims believe themselves to be safe.

Manners argues that the Papal stance against abortion and other such issues confirms his hatred of people. Are we to deduce from this that advocating the protection of those whose lives are in danger whether through abortion, euthanasia, or even war and illness - is an act of hatred? Perhaps then Manners would be more comfortable if instead of protecting the weak, the strong could dictate which of them has the right to life.

While elsewhere in last week’s gair rhydd contributors clamp down on the issue of homophobia, prejudice towards minority groups of the University proves itself to be very much alive in Manners’ article. His arguments are biased, unfounded and horribly hypocritical. One wonders, would he have even formulated these opinions had it not been for the death of JohnPaul? Or is he simply blindly following where the mediocre publications of this country have badly researched?

The Pope is the leader of the Catholic Church. That means, for those of you who don’t seem to have grasped the idea yet, that he leads Catholics. Not the country.

His teachings are for Catholics.

Not the country. So why must people like Manners (whom I can only presume is not a practising Catholic) declare that they are not satisfied? You don’t have to be!

Clare Martin, second year.

Five Minute Fun

May 2 2005

Page 24

fiveminutefun@gairrhydd.com

?

Riddle Me This

You are lost in the middle of Bridgend after missing the bus home from the Varsity game.

Finally you make your way to a wellknown crossing, where one way leads to the tranquility of Cathays and another leads to a pit of despair (Swansea).

At the crossing you find two men. One of them is a compulsive liar, while the other is always telling the truth.

It's impossible to know which one of them is the liar and which is unable to lie.

You can only ask one of them one question.

With what question can you discover the route to Cathays?

Odd One Out

Optical Confusion A page of perfect squares. Or is it?

Craig Char les

Oxbridge Absurdity

The quaint traditions practiced by the people that will be running our country one day Number 74: The Merton College Time Ceremony Since the early 1980s Merton College, Oxford is the venue for the Time Ceremony.

Students dressed in formal 'sub fusc' walk around Fellows’ Quad backwards while drinking port in order to maintain the integrity of the space-time continuum as British Summer Time ends in October.

Johnny Johnny Vaughan Vaughan

Ronnie Bar ker

The really Which of these are real words, and which are merely fabrications of a bored sub-editor:

small

quiz

Whose rock-star eyes are these?

1. Ruche 2. Rumbustation 3. Saponify 4. Pule 5. Diaspolitic

In the style of Have I Got News For You, gair rhydd presents a guest editor for five-minute-fun. Not much time for an introduction, so I’ll just tell you that I love Girls Aloud, I once found a mistake in a dictionary and I’m from an Island that first saw an escalator in 1996. Next week’s issue will be edited by the ghost of Salvador Dali. xx Robbie xx

In the event of a tie in the crossword...explain why birthday wrapping paper comes in sheets and Christmas paper comes in rolls.

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Name:

____

E-Mail:

____

Tie-breaker:

___

To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answers: Riddle - ‘What would he say if I asked the way’. Do the opposite. Odd one out: Craig Charles and Johnny Vaughan have been to prison, Ronnie Barker played a prisoner in Porridge. Mini Quiz- 1, 3 and 4 are real words. Ruche-decorative lace or ribbon, Saponify-converting a fat into soap with an alkali, Pule-to whine. Rock Stars: David Bowie, Frank Black, Thom Yorke.

Award-Winning Television

May 2 2005

Page 25

ahoyanchorsaway!allaboutalliterativeaction@activelyawardaccumulatinganachronisticanarchicacademics.ac.au

This week’s paddle in the TV puddle: May 2 - May 8 2005

Frigging Frogs Fornicate For Frisky Flapper Tadpole time for Dr. Tatiana’s torrent of totally titilating, tawdry toad totty

HOT

ACRONYMS: Any two bit organisation can make itself sound infinitely more professional with the use of a wellplace acronym, e.g. Cardiff University Netball Team, or The Vindictive Dangerously Entertaining Shoddy Kunts.

You get the idea.

SOAPS So we’re moving into polemic waters in Neighbours this week with the whole Boyd bullimia storyline. Ok, so it means we get to see more rippling muscle but it’s just not the same anymore. Sob, sob. More light-hearted tripe is provided by the Hollyoaks gang however as we see Tony being haunted by a poltergeist, complete with eerie music and moving vases in the background.

Sooper dooper. Meanwhile, I’m sure loads is happening in Feastenders but It’s now been a grand five months since I saw an entire episode so haha, I cannee tell yee what goes on. Tsk. In the Archers however, Debbie has returned from France with a Gallic attitude (?) to life which she intends on using against her cheating husband, Simon.

Ahoy there me hearties, another week has passed in TV land and our eyes still haven’t turned square - our mothers were fibbing all along.

Therefore, we must continue to rot in front of the Box of Life, especially to watch this week’s pick, Dr Tatiana’s Sex Guide To All Creation (Monday, C4, 11.05pm) The world's first science musical describes the evolution of sex and explores the colourful sex lives of a menagerie of creatures - including penis-fencing marine flatworms and the beetle who has sex with her son and then eats him - and all set to music.

Meet the ethereal, anciently asexual bdelloid rotifer (which hasn't had sex for millions of generations - yikes), the mite who copulates with all his sisters while he's still in his mother's womb, and the hermaphrodite slug that sometimes emasculates itself by eating its own penis. Estupendo! Dr Tatiana demonstrates that you don't need sex to reproduce (the rotifer is not alone: lots of creatures clone themselves) and often sex doesn't look like much fun (the male green spoon worm is 200,000 times smaller than the female; who says size doesn't matter?). The programme explains why sex evolved and why we don't like mating with our close relatives. (Tatiana obviously hasn’t been to Chard, Cornwall, Hereford or up here at TV Desk) Songs include The Trouble with Sex , The Hermaphrodite Song , Strangely Familiar and Coz I Can. M i s s this at

TV Desk’s Revision Guide So with everyone positively shaking in their boots at the prospect of exams, or more importantly, finals, we lovely folk at TV Desk have decided to provide you with your very own revision guide. And yes, you can cut this out and stick it within eyeshot of your ‘revision desk’.

1. Right, let’s get things straight.

First year exams mean fuck all so just do enough revision to pass. If you’re doing your finals, you’re going to be disappointed. I’m sorry but it’s a fact of life.

2. Buy a bumper pack of Pro-Plus and nescafe ‘caffiene extreme’. If all else fails (and in all honesty it probably will) you can fuck your brain up on 500% of your daily high in one pill.

3. TV Desk’s favourite place to while away those precious hours of revision time is either gr Towers or the Trevithick cafe which TV John reliably informs me is open 24 hours.

4. Finally, and seriously, draw up enormous revision timetables (to waste enormous amounts of time) and make acronyms to help you learn.

NOT

PALINDROMES: Wow, Reuben, you’re like SOO clever calling your album Racecar is Racecar backwards. Telling people you know what this word means isn’t impressive.

Anyone proud of possessing this knowledge is nothing but a stupid T I T. your peril!

TV Willy here. My TV pickolata for this week is Andrew Neil’s brilliantly good daily political show The Daily Politics (BBC2 Weekdays). Despite sounding distinctly like it was named by Aristotle, Neil’s fantastically sexy Scottish accent (I wish I had one) is super when analysing the day’s politcal news. I also like the fact that in the non-election time when the show isn’t running on a daily basis, it’s still called The Daily Politics. Score. Right people, get out there and vote. Or (as P. Diddy Bop Pop would say) DIE!!

The surprising show-of-themoment for me has got to be Hustle (Tues, BBC1, 9pm). For a BBC swish drama it’s not all bad. At least

it’s better than the rest of the shit on a Tuesday night (unless you’re down at UGC watching Donnie Darko).

With it being 60 years since VE Day (for the children out there, that means the end of World War II in Europe) there are a shed load of war documentaires on throughout the week. To be fair, and to respect the dead and all that, you should probably watch at least one of them.

Failing that, watch five for the alternative look at the war. You see, despite the controversial Papal article, I do have some respect for the dead!

Finally, if you need something to soothe your brain after a short night out watch The Amityville Horror (Fri, BBC1, 11.45pm). Trashy horror at it’s best and not a decent plot line at any point. Fantastic. Another week of historical picks from Manners.

What would you do without me?

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Predatory purple pervert perfectly pumps the pedals in pulsating Palladium playing presentation - PLEASE! This week we have The Phantom of the Opera released on DVD for your viewing pleasure. The most annoyinh thing about this film is its collosal length. When i was in the cinema I lost all feeling from the waist downwards which detracted from my enjoyment of the film somewhat.

Impressive sets, Jennifer Ellison in a ‘serious’ role and posh singing do not a good film make. In fact, Brookside’s finest manages to look like she’s posing for a GQ shoot throughout. Buy it for your parents. If you want to watch something that’s actually decent, Garden State is also out this monday. TV Willy is possibly THE biggest fan of this film, so here he is to big it up: Yo yo. i must point out that while I am a big fan of Zach Braff’s masterpiece, the thing i really like about Braff’s film is Natalie Portman. She’s lovely. Also Garden State has the best soundtrack since Batman and Robin featuring The Shins, Iron & Wine, Coldplay, Frou Frou, Nick Drake and a whole host more. Admittedly not the best review I’ve ever done but it’s late and I want to go and do some more alliterations.

SPORT Sport Desk have reliably informed us that this week is the long awaited (well, I didn’t know about it) titanic clash between Liverpool and Chelsea in the Champions League Semi Final at Anfield (Tues, ITV1, 7.30pm). The winner will go on to play AC Milan or PSV Eindhoven. Can you tell I’ve got no idea what I’m talking about?

FILMS For the next nine weeks at UGC (in associated with gr) the most voted for films are being shown each Tuesday at 9pm. This week Donnie Darko: Directors Cut is being shown. The week after is Reservoir Dogs and 24th May is the one and only Ghostbusters.

I’ll see you there.

RADIO TV Katie can actually talk with partial conviction about radio for the first time ever, due to her recent purchase of one of them digital thangs. Have been tuning in to a mixture of Classical Gold (Bonnie Tyler, Neil Diamond and Steve Winwood ahoy - yes!) and BBC 6 with Phill Jupitus and the gone but not forgotten Steve Lamacq.

Everybody loves “Downtown”

by Petula Clark, but do you know anything about else about her?

No? Well me neither, but luckily, she’s recorded over twenty hours of interviews especially for Radio 2. Thats’s right, that’s almost a days worth of good old Petula.

The best bits are condensed into four thirty-minute chats about her West End things you don’t really care about so long as she croons Oooh isten to the music and the traffic in the city. Radio 2 (Friday 6th 7pm)

Monday

Page 26

May 2 - May 8 2005

iamabird@now.com

6.00 GMTV2.

9.25 Married with Children.

9.55 Married with Children.

Route 666 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy.

12.20 People's Court. 1.30 Coronation Street. 2.00 Emmerdale. 2.30 Emmerdale.

3.00 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.50 Trisha. 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy.

7.00 Married with Children. You Better Shop Around 7.30 Married with Children. 8.00 The Contender. 9.00 Real Crime.

Ben Needham - Somebody Knows 10.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned. 10.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions Finale. 11.30 Coronation Street. 0.00 Coronation Street.

0.30 Married with Children. You Better Shop Around (Part 2) 0.55 Married with Children.

Route 666 (Part 1) 1.20 Late Show with David Letterman.

2.05 Champions League Weekly.

2.35 World Rally Championship.

3.25 Teleshopping.

4.55 ITV2 Nightscreen.

5.10 Late Show with David Letterman.

19.00 The O U Lecture (Hitler's Place in History) Hitlet’s place in History? Dead mate. 20.00 The Sky at Night Dark.20.30 Animation Nation Shorts Shrek boxers? Nemo boardies? 21.30 Animation Nation 22.30 Wallace and Gromit: A Close Shave 23.00 Small Films Little Shop of Horrors, Three Men and a Little Baby, Little Women, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Babies Day out, Smallville, Little Voice, Stuart Little. 23.25 The O U Lecture The Orange Urethra lecture. 24.25 Hitler: The Discussion 01.00 The Sky at Night 01.30 Animation Nation 02.30 Time Shift: The Magic Roundabout 03.25 The Sky at Night 03.55 Close Ah man, Editor Gary has the results for the media awards all clammed up inside him and surely he needs to release all the pressure and tell us all?! You’re reading this now Gary - feel the guilt! Let’s just hope you make it through the night so when you host the after-show party, you can actually make it to your own house this time. Useless.

6:10 The Hoobs: Bedtime Story 6:35 The Hoobs: Hoobledoop!

7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 7:55 Forgot 8:25 The King of Queens 8:50 Will & Grace Series about the escapades of our very own TV Willy and TV Grace. This episode Grace discovers Willy’s perversion but will she share it with the rest of the team? John’s former lover decides it’s time time to get him back with that special massage she knows he loves, meanwhile Mr Mannering and Kaitlin visit the cemetery.

9:20 Will & Grace 9:45 The Hitchikers Guide To The Galaxy: T4 Movie Special 10:35 Come Dine With Me 11:05 Without a Trace: Victory for Humanity 12:00 Kingdom of Hope: The Making of Kingdom of Heaven 12:30 The Best of Benny Hill (1974) 2:00 The Great Garden Challenge 3:05 Jack and the Beanstalk 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Party Election Broadcast 8:00 Election Unspun: What They’re Really Thinking 9:00 Riddle of the Human Hobbits: An Equinox Special 10:00 ER 11:05 Dr Tatiana’s Sex Guide to All Creation Ah yes! This is gonna be awesome! Look out for the hermaphrodite slug that sometimes emasculates itself by eating its own penis and the the beetle who has sex with her son and then eats him. Essential viewing. (See pick of the day.)

12:10 Party Election Broadcast 12:15 Human Mutants 1:20 Bodyshock: When Anaesthesia Fails 2:20 Hands of the ripper 3:45 Look 3:55am The Boer War 4:50 No57: The History of a House 5:50 Close

2:00pm The O.C. 3:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks The day has arrived for the Polo Party and excitement is running high. Frankie is mortified having to face Darren after he made a pass at her.

Ugh, have you seen the state of this woman’s mammaries?

Hideous, I tell thee. Sam continues to cause unease at the Owens' over his decision to block his Dad out. Mandy and Tony both feel under the weather with a dramatic Tony fearing the worst over his mystery ailment.

5:00pmFriends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Smallville 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Smallville 10:00pm Fool Around...With James Hewitt 10:30pm Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 11:00pm X Rated: The Top 20 Most Controversial TV programmes c 12:05am 4 Go Dating: Celebrities 12:35am Smallville 1:25am The O.C. 2:15am Derren Brown 2:45am X Rated 3:45am Close

06.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.25 Franny's Feet 06.35 Oswald 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Franklin 08.40 MechaNick 08.55 Bear in the Big Blue House Today Bear enters a yellow car and turns green. 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff See left for angry rant about the movement of this programme to a silly hour whereby I never get to see it.

11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Film: "Dark Victory" (1976, Drama) 3.40 Film: "One True Love" (2000, Romance) David Hasselhoff stars in what sounds like a true epic. Just listen to the plot: A fireman falls in love with a lady kennel-owner he rescues from a car crash, but faces a tricky task when he sets out to win her over without knowing her phone number or even her name. Superb! 5.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Scottish National Party 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Conservative Party 7.30 Demolition Squad 8.00 Massive Machines 8.30 Fifth Gear 9.00 A Mind to Kill 11.05 Murder Detectives 11.35 Joey 0.00 Party Election Broadcast 0.05 Celebrities Uncensored 0.35 Alias 01.25 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 02.15 NBA Action 02.40 US PGA Golf 03.30 FIM World Supercross 05.00 Argentinian Football

029 229977

PRIMETIME

6.00 GMTV. 6.00-9.25 Toonattik: 9.25 People's Court.

This is shite, in fact early morning TV is all rubbish at present.

What dick decided to move The Wright Stuff to 10.30, now what do I watch pre-revision? They swapped it with Trisha for fecks sake. 10.30 FILM: Freaky Friday. (1977, Children's) 12.15 ITV News; Weather. 12.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

12.35 Loose Women. 1.20 Perseverance. 1.50 Mum's on Strike. This is hilarious, they dump the man with the kids for a whole three days and they fall to pieces. Useless I tell thee.

2.35 Survival Special. Alaska's Great Sea Lion Mystery Phew, thank God they’ve decided to air this, my curiosity was close to killing me. 3.35 FILM: Crocodile Dundee II. (1988, Comedy) 5.35 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.45 ITV N ews; Weather.

6.55 Party Election Broadcast. By Plaid Cymru, The Party of Wales.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Airline.

8.30 Coronation Street.

9.00 Hell's Kitchen.

10.30 ITV News; Weather.

10.50 Election 2005: Ask Tony Blair with Jonathan Dimbleby.

11.50 Champions League Weekly. 0.20 FILM: The Apartment. (1960, Comedy) 2.30 Loose Women. 3.05 Moving Day. 3.30 Bridezillas.

Ah feck, I’ve run out of ideas already and I’m only on ITV and it’s only 7pm. Shucks.

3.55 Entertainment Now! Tom Cruise is going out with Katie Holmes - does anyone else find that a little weird? No? Nothing?

Ho hum. 4.20 ITV Nightscreen.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Spendaholics TV Katie gets a beating for being a spendthrift. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Ideal 24.00 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 Being on this gash channel doesn’t make this any different to when it’s shown on primetime BBC1. It just makes it worse. 24.30 Wedding Stories My fave is the one about the couple who wanted to hear ‘that Robin Hood Prince of Thieves’ track (quite obviously Bryan Adams) as they walked down the isle. So they told the organist, and as they began their unforgettable walk down towards the vicar, the organist started to play....”Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen, Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his band of men...” Unforgettable.

01.25 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.20 Spendaholics 03.15 Teen Angels 04.15 Close

6:00am: CBeebies: Tweenies.

6:20 The Roly Mo Show. 6:40 The Story Makers. We at gair rhydd consider ourselves fairly proficient story makers. Just look at all our page one scoops.

7:00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood. 7:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink. 7:50 Monster TV. gair rhydd’s favourite TV Monsters: TV Willy - Kilroy; TV Grace Oscar from Sesame St, TV Manners - Mum-ra from Thundercats, Various - Cookie Monster; Thom Sport - “Harold Shipman is my fave sex monster.” 8:05 Jackie Chan Adventures. 8:30 Ocean Star: The Quest. 8:55 Newsround.

9:00 Arthur. 9:55 Looney Tunes. 10:00 CBeebies: Balamory. 10:20 Tots TV. 10:30 Bob the Builder: Project Build It. 11:00 What a Carry On! 11:30 The Daily Politics.

12:30pm: The Flying Gardener.

Apart from aiding tree-pruning abilities, how would being able to fly help with gardening?

12:40 Match of the Day Live: Women's FA Cup Final. 1:50 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. 2:30 World Snooker Championship Final.

5:35 Flog It! 6:05 Newsnight.

6:55 Party Election Broadcast by the Conservative Party.

7:00 World Snooker Championship Final.

10:10 FILM: The Bridge at Remagen. (1969) 12:05am: Joins BBC News 24. 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Sueños - World Spanish. Up at gair rhydd towers, we are crooning to Tony Christie - Is This The Way To Amarillo?...but don’t tell anyone, it might tarnish our reputation as uber-cool, music connoiseurs.

Morning Line S4C 8am

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast.

9:00 Animal Park. 10:00 Wallace and Gromit: A Close Shave. Who aspires to be an animator? I watched Nick Park in ‘action’ the other day - jeez it was dull. That train track scene where Gromit is laying the tracks to save Wallace from the evil penguin took three months.

THREE MONTHS! Arggghh! Can you honestly think of anything more brain-numbingly boooooooring? 10:30 FILM: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.

(1989) 12:10pm: Cash in the Attic. 1:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 1:45 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron. 1:50 Match of the Day Live: Women's FA Cup Final. Charlton Athletic v Everton. 3:05 Bargain Hunt.

3:35 FILM: Big. (1988) Woop, what a film man, what a film.

Old Hanky boy is estupendo and the toys are just the dogs! This is what Bank Holidays were made for. 5:15 BBC News; Regional News; Weather.

6:05 FILM: Big Daddy.

(1999) 7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce.

8:00 EastEnders.

8:30 FILM: Meet the Parents. (2000) 10:10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather.

10:45 Brothers in Arms. A programme follwing the career of Dire Straits peutetre? 11:45 This Week.

12:30am: FILM: Legalese.

(1997) 2:05 Sign Zone: The Reclaimers. 2:35 Sign Zone: Jeremy Vine Meets Sheila Hancock. 3:05 Sign Zone: How to Sleep...1. Withdraw cash, 2. go to bar, 3. purchase liquor, 4. comsume with haste,5. repeat stages three and four until mission accomplished. 4:35 Joins BBC News 24.

Mum’s on Strike ITV1 1.50pm

Will&Grace C4 9.20am

PRIMETIME

Loose Women ITV1 12.35pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Time Team 09:50 Scrapheap Challenge USA: Hollywood Special 11:20 Nokia Urban Music Festival with Prince’s Trust 12:20 Point Pleasant 13:10 The O.C. 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 15:55 Robinson Crusoe: The Real Story 16:55 Party Election Broadcast: The Conservatives 17:00 Newyddion 17:10 Y Clwb Rygbi 19:25 Darllediad Etholiadol: Y Blaid Geidwadol Yes, my sentiments exactly.

19:30 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19:45 TIPYN O STAD 20:15 NOSON LAWEN (S) (SC) 21:15 The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of The Ring (2001) I actually watched this the other day, then got bored and watched the second. I’m currently half way through the third. Well done me, I thought I’d never get there.

They’re ok. They’re not that good. 00:30 Quest for the Ring 00:55 The 100 Greatest Kids TV Shows 04:25 Empire Squarei 04:30 KOTV 05:00 Close

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Tuesday

May 2 - May 8 2005

Page 27

tvjohn@iwastryingtogetaway.com

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Airline USA 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.20 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Champions League Live.

7.30 Married with Children Worst show ever.

8.00 Welcome to Fatland Starring, in no particular order, Rik Waller, Jono Coleman, Buster Bloodvessel, Ricki Lake, Jo Brand, Lisa Reilly and Roseanne Barr.

9.00 Cosmetic Kids 10.00 FILM: The Quest Documentary going behind the scenes in Laserquest. Thrilling.

11.55 Married with Children 0.25 Late Show with David Letterman 1.15 The Ricki Lake Show 2.00 Sally Jessy Raphael.

2.50 Teleshopping 4.50 ITV2 Nightscreen 5.10 Late Show with David Letterman Current listening of TV Willy: Brighten the Corners by the sublime Pavement (inspired by soon-to-be TV Gareth’s t-shirt on Monday)

19.00 Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World 20.30 Dickens in America (Philadelphia) Miriam Margolyes retraces the route of Charles Dickens's road trip through America to find out what has changed in the USA since the great author's visit to the States. Well, for a start it was a dangerous country where freespeech was restricted and the government was corrupt and run by the incompetent...oh.

21.00 Reputations Starring News Editor Dave whose reputation as a notorious sex-pest has been nothing if not cemented this year.

22.00 The Desk 22.30 Dickens in America 23.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin 24.00 Hindu Nation 12.55 Days That Shook the World 01.55 The Desk 02.25 Dickens in America 02.55 Days That Shook the World Special mention to our beloved columnist and One Trick Pony editor, Geordie. He lambasted TV for the repeated mentions of his name last week. So we btter say sorry. So, ‘sorry Geordie’

2:00 The O.C. 3:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know 5:30pm Friends The One Where Joey Moves Out 6:00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00pm The O.C.: The Mallpisode The gang get the chance for a few heart-to-hearts this week when they're accidentally locked in a mall for the night. Sounds suspiciously like Dawn of the Dead to me.

10:00 Fool Around with……

James Hewitt How about...NO. 10:30 Bo’ Selecta! Vol. 3 11:00 The Sex Stars They Tried To Ban Dave Doyle.

12:00am 4 Go Dating: Celebrities 12:30 The O.C.: The Mallpisode 1:20 Bo’ Selecta: Vol. 3 1:50am Fool Around with…. James Hewitt I’ll say it again.....NO

06.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.25 Franny's Feet 06.35 Oswald 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Franklin 08.40 MechaNick 08.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away Kane's lies appear to be fooling Kirsty. He really did used to be a pigeon then?

13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: "Beauty" Starring Iain Dowie 15.40 Film: "A Mother's Instinct" Stars Lindsay Wagner, Debrah Farentino, Barbara Babcock, John Terry. Whoa! Hold on a second? Is that the John Terry?

Swear I didn’t make that up.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Labour Party 19.30 Hidden Treasure Houses 20.00 Bad Boys of the Blitz: Revealed Starring, in no particular order, Adolf Hitler, Josef Goebbels, Heinrich Himmler and Rudoph Hess.

21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 CSI: Miami 22.55 Myra: The Making of a Monster 24.25 The Dead Zone 01.15 NBA Basketball: Game of the Week 03.15 NASCAR Busch Series 04.05 Motorsport Mundial We almost have a full TV team for next year. TV John carries the mantle of longestrunning TV editor, ever. TV Grace will be backed up by another TV G - TV Gareth. Want In? Email.

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5:50 Spiderman 6:10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 7:55 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King of Queens 8:50 Will & Grace 9:15 Will & Grace 9:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Third Watch: Unleashed 11:05am Without A Trace 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Highland Tripping: Tales from Loch Lomond Once a band of Mancunian louts played here.....no idea what happened to them though. 12:35 Left, Right and Centre Tony Blair in the morning, afternoon and evening. 2:15 The Great Garden Challenge 3:15 Cuntdown 4:00 Room For Improvement 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons Kamp Krusty 6:30 Hollyoaks Louise demands to know why Lisa is trespassing on college property. Turns out she was merely chasing a squirrel.

7:00 Channel 4 News Bestest news in the world.

7:55 Party Political Broadcast 8:00 Property Ladder 9:00 Bad Behaviour Starring, in no particular order: Lee Bowyer, Michael Jackson, Pete Doherty, Jeffrey Archer and David ‘Who’s yer daddy?’ Blunkett.

10:00 No Angels Starring, in no particular order, Jody Morris, Ron Davis, Blackburn Rovers, Robert Downey Jnr. and Michael Jackson 11:10 Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Guide to Creation 12:10 Human Mutants 1:15 Nokia Urban Music Festival with the Prince’s Trust 1:45 Don’t Be A Menace Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood 3:15 Election Unspun: What They’re Really Thinking

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Perseverance 2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Solution Street 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Tractor Tom 3.45 What About Mimi? She’s dead. 3.55 Rugrats 4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.25 ITV Evening News 6.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Labour Party 7.00 Emmerdale Sadie strikes gold when Cain presents her with the spoils from his raid...his hernia, a quiche, a vegetarian and Neil Armstrong - the first man on the moon.

7.30 Champions League Live. Liverpool v Chelsea I’ll be in the Quench office for this showdown, but pressure is being put on our esteemed editor to provide a television set.

10.00 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders Every time they have an amazing Champions League fixture, they always folllow it up with some of this bollocks. I suggest, all new TV’s worst channels.

10.30 ITV News 11.10 Wales Decides 2005 Whether or not to launch a preemptive strike on the Bay of Biscay. Or maybe on some election. 0.10 The Village People Llanairpwllgwyngfllgogerychwyrnd robwillantysiliogogogoch. Have that!

0.40 Manhunt: Fireraiser 1.45 The Paul O'Grady Show 2.35 Champions League Manners in flirting with girl shock!

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19.00 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Starring, in no particular order, Chucky, Gremlins, Craig Bellamy, erm, Ronnie Corbett?

21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Ideal When his girlfriend is away Moz tries to seduce China, but he's again interrupted by the rat. I know Johnny Vegas isn’t the prettiest of men, surely trying to seduce the entire populaion of China is asking a bit much?

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.00 Nighty Night It’s not that late tonight. Might even get out in time to get two hours sleep.

23.30 Toju 12.00 Wedding Stories 12.55 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Ideal 02.25 Nighty Night 02.55 Wedding Stories May well be something to do with Britney’s new TV series. I’ve seen the trailer, and it looks disturbing.

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster TV 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 Primary Geography: Portrait of Europe 10:50 Primary History 11:10 Music Makers 11:30 The Daily Politics Andrew Neil is brill.

12:30pm: Working Lunch 1:00 Watch 1:15 Watch. Our Friends - Special Friends Odd title. I have a special friend, he’s called Jim. 1:30 The Flying Gardener 1:40 The Munsters 2:05 What a Carry On! 2:30 The Election Roadshow3:00 My Best Friend...Audrey Hepburn 3:30 Flog It! 4:25 Ready Steady Cook 5:10 Weakest Link 5:55 Party Election Broadcast by the Labour Party 6:00 Animal Park 6:30 Dick and Dom's Ask the Family Dick and Dom: “Are we twats?”

Family: “Yes!” 7:00 Small Town Gardens 7:30 Seven Natural Wonders 8:00 Mastermind 8:30 Fred Dibnah's Made in Britain 9:00 Iran's Nuclear Secrets: This World 10:00 The League of Gentlemen 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy 11:55 FILM: Barbarella 1:30am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3

FILM: Beauty five 2pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:30 Car Booty Stan Collymore? This one has been done.

12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:00 50/50 4:35 What's New Scooby Doo? Big Appetite in Little Tokyo: I went to Tokyo last year, the food was a bit minging, so we went to TGI Fridays. And they said the British are unadventurous.

5:00 Short Change 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Carmella's stalker increases his activities. He better get some good night-vision goggles. Amateur 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Love Me, Love My Kids A documentary following the lives of Michael Jackson’s house staff.

7:30 EastEnders Jim has special plans for Dot's first driving lesson. He wants a blow-job!

8:00 Holby City 9:00 Hustle 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:45 Skint 11:15 FILM: Escape from Alcatraz Some stonking action starring Clint ‘stonking’ Eastwood. 1:10am: Sign Zone: See Hear 1:55 Sign Zone: A Life of Grime New York 2:25 Sign Zone: Bailiffs 2:55 Sign Zone: The Town That Wants a Twin 3:25 Sign Zone: DIY SOS 3:55 Sign Zone: The Queen's Castle Can I fill this space? A big fat resounding, NO!

Perseverance ITV1 1.30

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends: The One in Massapequa 07:55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:25 King Of Queens 08:50 Will & Grace 09:15 Will & Grace 09:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15Thirdwatch: Unleashed 11:05 Without A Trace 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Pei Pwpmen 13:15 Room For Improvement 13:45 The Great Garden Challenge 14:45 Selling Houses: Halifax 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Beyblade 16:25 Code Lyoko 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 Party Election Broadcast: The Labour Party 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 The Simpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:25 Darlleliad Etholiadol: Y Blaid Lafur 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cym 20:25 Y Byd Ar Bedwar 21:00 O Flaen Dy Lygaid: Modd i Fyw 22:00 Amdani 22:55 No Angels 23:55 Election Unspun: What They’re Really Thinking

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBCThree 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Film: "The Truman Show" (1998) Can’t believe this film came out seven years ago. I was thirteen, still hangin’ every saturday night at the rollerdisco with all the cool cats in Kappa.

Oh, how the years just fly by.

Before I know it I’ll be seventy and smell of cat piss. Actually I already do.

22.35 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.05 Spendaholics 24.05 Wedding Stories 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.00 Spendaholics Did I really need that giant space hopper?

Or those dress-the-cat fridge magnets?

02.55 Wedding Stories Think this is about really anal career woman getting stressed about their weddings.Oh, the drama! I can’t wait to dress up like a huge peach-coloured meringue whilst distant relatives I’ve never met blub uncontrollably.

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 Married with Children. Buck the Stud 9.55 Married with Children. 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy. Watch out Jude, Carol Smilie’s after you...12.20 People's Court. I watched an episode last week which featured a woman complaining because her husband shouted too loud during bingo games.

Riveting entertainment.1.30 Coronation Street. 2.00 Emmerdale. 2.30 Airline USA. Winners and Losers 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.50 Trisha. I hear she’s planning on getting her head cryogenically frozen when she dies so future chavs can benefit from her wisdom.

4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 Married with Children. 7.30 Married with Children.

8.00 Celebrity Fit Club USA. 8.50 Movies Now. 9.00 Make Me Beautiful, Please. Slice my face open,suck out my flab, put me in a nice dress and call it quality TV. 10.30 Coronation Street.

11.00 Footballers' Wives.

0.00 Footballers' Wives TV.

6.00 GMTV. 8.35 LK Today 9.25 People's Court.

10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.30 Perseverance. 2.00 Loose Women. 2.45 Solution Street.

3.30 Miffy and Friends. Miffy Goes Camping 3.35 Tractor Tom. Trail of Tricks 3.45 What About Mimi? Block Party Bloc Party and New Kids on the Block join Maria Carey for some block rockin’ beats.4.00 Art Attack.

4.25 My Parents are Aliens.

5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

How did this win a Bafta?

What’s the world coming to?

Whos next? Loose Women? Dick and sodding Dom? 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 The Bill.

9.00 FILM: Ali G Indahouse. (2002) Conjours up memories of possibly THE most annoying song ever, that horrid duet with Shaggy.

10.30 ITV News.

11.10 FILM: Ali G Indahouse. (2002)Ya turn me on with ya big papillons... Bleurgh.

11.30 Soccer Night.

0.00 The Pitts.

0.20 The Magnificent Seven.

The New Law 1.10 cd:uk Hotshots. Find out whats hip hop and happening in the world of music today. Bound to feature bit of Mcfly, the coolest kids around.

1.35 The Paul O'Grady Show.

2.25 World Sport.

2.50 World Rally Championship.

3.40 Loose Women.Kerry Katona and Daniella Westbrookseparated at birth???

4.20 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

19.00 The Desk I wouldn’t know what’s going on with the rest of TV desk what with being confined to the isolation tank and all. Let me out you fuckers!!!

19.30 An Islamic History of Europe 20.00 The World 20.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 21.00 Peacemakers 22.00 In the Footsteps of Churchill 22.30 Film: "Dark Blue World" (2001) Starring Tara Fitzgerald, that annoying toothy one who’s always in period dramas.

Surprise, surprise what have we here? A historical film.

24.20 Peacemakers 01.20 An Islamic History of Europe 01.50 In the Footsteps of Churchill 02.20 The Desk 02.50 Peacemakers Not Pacemakers, which would have made a far more interesting programme.

03.50 Close Another night, another TV page close to completion, and it’s not even light outside! Whoop-de-doop!

Highland Tripping C4 12.30pm

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 7:55 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King of Queens: Dog Shelter 8:50 Will and Grace 9:20 Will and Grace 9:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Third Watch 11:05 Without a Trace 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Highland Tripping: Tales From Loch Lomond 12:35 Grudge Match 12:45 Cheers 1:15 Channel 4 Racing from Chester.

Innit. 3:15 Countdown 4:00 Room for Improvement The sad tale of my degree.

5:00 Richard and Judy With Nick Hornby. Might be quite interesting.

6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Ahhh little Tom, one of the finest actors around today. He melts my pebble-sized heart of ice. However, i want to poke the eyes out of every other cast member, especially Mandy.

Silly Tramp.

7:00 Channel 4 News: Weather 7:55 Cinema Iran: Kill me but Make me Beautiful Surely if you’re dead it doesn’t matter if u look like Herman Munster really does it?

8:00 Relocation, Relocation Anywhere but here, stuck in the GR goon room, alone. Feel like I’ve been naughty at school again.

9:00 Grand Designs Revisited 10:00 Desperate Housewives Superdooper.

11:05Dr Tatiana’s Sex Guide to all Creation Not the one from Fresh Prince of Bel Airat least I don’t think so.

12:10 Human Mutants: The Meaning of Beauty 1:10 Monster Jam UK 1:40 KOTV 2:10 KOTV CLASSICS 3:05 3 Minute Wonder:

2:00pm The O.C Seth, Seth, Seth. MMmmm.Mmm.Mmm Can’t believe he’s supposed to be a geek though.

3:00 Average Joe: Adam Returns. 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Average Joe: Adam Returns.7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Scrubs Brand new series, for all you lucky people with E4.

9:30 Scrubs Another new episode. I’m getting really jealous now, might go and throw bricks at people’s satellite dishes.

10:00 Fool Around...With James Hewitt Erm...No thanks.

He’s got tits. And he’s purple.

Contrary to popular belief that doesn’t really do it for me.

10:30 Peep Show Ok, so now I really want E4.

11:00 Desperate Housewives.

Give me E4 now!!!

12:00 4 Go Eating: Celebrities, 12:30 Kindom of Hope: The Making of Kingdom of Heaven 1:00 Scrubs 1:25 Scrubs 1:50 Peep Show

06.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.25 Franny's Feet Franny tries Oust -It doesn’t just mask ouders, IT ELIMINATES THEM. 06.35 Oswald 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Franklin 08.40 MechaNick 08.55 Bear in the Big Blue House (Great Ball of Firefighters) ‘ark at all this intertexuality eh?

09.25 Trisha Goddard (Babe, You're Beautiful! Now Believe It!) Blatantly featuring a load of mingers. 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: "Rag and Bone" (1998) 15.40 Film: "Life's Little Struggles" (1999) Failing to find an even pair of socks; Getting locked out of your house at three in the morning; waking up with “I love the cock” written on you in permenent marker...

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 VE Day Poem 20.00 Inside Hitler's Bunker: The True Story 21.00 Film: "Lethal Weapon 3" (1992) 23.20 Real Sex (Cybersex) Documentary series exploring the diverse ways in which people enjoy their sexuality. Or just wank over Abi Titmus’s sex tapes.

24.25 John Barnes' Football Night My mate used to tell everyone she was married to John Barnes.

Apparently they had two kids called Nathan and Chelsey.

Nutter.

01.05 World of Rugby

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6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood. 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks.

6:50 Monster TV. 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures. 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Fireman Sam. 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It. 9:00 Tweenies. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 The Story Makers. 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog. 10:15 Little Red Tractor. Seems to be a bit of a red theme going on here. Clifford tries to hitch a ride on the tractor, but alas! He’s too damn fat.10:30 FILM: Way Out West.

(1937) Laurel and Hardy star.

11:30 The Daily Politics.

12:30pm: Meet the Ancestors.

1:00 Numbertime. Addition and Subtraction - Two Step Subtraction. 1:15 Numbertime.

Addition and Subtraction - Plus and Minus. 1:30 Working Lunch.

2:00 What a Carry On! 2:30 The Election Roadshow. Ordinary people get their say blabla bla...

My housemate was on one of these last week looking all intellectual and EVERYTHING. 3:00 My Best Friend...Mick Jagger...Thinks you’re well fit, will you go out with him?

3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link. 6:00 Animal Park. 6:30 Dick and Dom's Ask the Family. Twats.

7:00 No Win No Fee. 7:30 Holidays in the Danger Zone: Places That Don't Exist.

8:00 Natural World.

8:50 Wild Summer River.

9:00 The Apprentice.

10:00 The Apprentice.

10:30 Newsnight.

11:30 BBC Four on BBC Two: Russell T Davies Sounds interesting.Unscripted.

12:10am: BBC Four on BBC Two: Sarah Waters: Sex and the Victorian City.

The Pitts ITV1 00.00 am

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6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy. Watch this purely to check out the guy’s dapper suits.

10:00 City Hospital. 11:00 Car Booty. 11:45 Bargain Hunt. 12:30: The Road to VE Day. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. 2:05 Doctors.

2:35 Murder, She Wrote.

3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News.3:25: Bodger and Badger. Mmm mashed potato... My shares in Smash are rocketing since this TV gem returned. 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids. 4:00 Mona the Vampire: The Sandman.Guest starring Metallica. 4:20 The Fairly Odd Parents. Apparently mine are freemasons and belong to Opus Dei. 4:30 Ace Lightning. 5:00 Blue Peter: 5:25 Newsround.

5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News.

6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather.

7:00 Dumping on Britain.

8:00 DIY SOS. 8:30 Animal Hospital.

9:00 D-Day to Berlin.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather.

10:45 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws.

10:50 FILM: Broken Arrow.

12:35am: Sign Zone: Grown Up Gappers. Old people take gap-years.

1:15 Sign Zone: Smart Spenders. Not TV Grace, who spent all her loan on cheap wine and cheap men. 1:45 Sign Zone: Ray Mears' Bushcraft.

2:45 Sign Zone: Skint.

(Digital Widescreen)

PRIMETIME

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 07:55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:25 King Of Queens 08:50 Will and Grace 9.20 Will and Grace 09:45 Come Dine with me 10:15 Thirdwatch 11:05 Without a Trace 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach Haven’t the foggiest what this is all about. Sounds Welsh. 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:15 Channel 4 Racing Presented by Lesley Graham, not Grantham. The murdering swine. 15.15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip? Yes actually, twice a day and once on a sunday. 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard and Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Rownd a Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 Welsh version of Blake’s 7. 19:30 Newyddon 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad 21:00 04 Wal 21:30 Sioe Gelf 22:00 Grand Designs Revisted 23:00 ER 00:00 Going to Extremes: The Silk Route

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19.00 7 0'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 EastEnders Minty’s dangerously exciting dating escapades continue.

22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Suspicious Supernanny take-off from the overlords of originality at BBC digital.

23.00 MPs' Outtakes Hilarious outtakes from the archives of politicans humiliating themselves. Alternatively, turn over to BBC1 now and catch exactly the same thing live.

23.30 Wedding Stories 24.25 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.25 Spendaholics 02.20 MPs' Outtakes 02.50 Wedding Stories No wedding story will beat the couple who asked the organist to play “The song from Robin Hood” (meaning Bryan Adams) and then walked down the aisle to “Necrophilia” by Slayer.

03.50 Close

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children.

She's Having My Baby (Part 2) 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy.

12.20 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street.

2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA. 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.50 Trisha.

4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children.

She's Having My Baby (Part 2) Edge of the seat stuff if you caught part one. Seriously.

7.30 Married with Children. If Al Had a Hammer 8.00 Weddings from Hell 9.00 Real Crime: Till Death Us Do Part 10.00 Footballers' Wives 10.30 The Contender 11.30 The Frank Skinner Show 0.30 Married with Children.

She's Having My Baby (Part 2) 1.00 Married with Children. If Al Had a Hammer 1.20 The Ricki Lake Show 2.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 2.45 Teleshopping 5.15 ITV2 Nightscreen.

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21.00 Dr Goebbels Speaks 22.40 Surrealissimo Drama starring Stephen Fry about surrealist and ever-so-slightly awesome surrealist painter Salvador Dali.

23.40 Tales from Europe: Lithuania 24.10 Dr Goebbels Speaks Goebbel-de-gook. Arf. 01.50 Patrick Hamilton: Words, Whisky and Women 02.20 In the Footsteps of Churchill Historians trace the Churchill nodding dog as he chases a Land Rover, takes a quick crap in the neighbour’s yard saying “ohh yes yes yes” and savages Nancy Sorrel’s leg.

02.50 Tales from Europe: Lithuania 03.20 Dickens in America 03.50 Close New Springsteen album and Napoleon Dynamite out this week = no socialising for me.

Ocean Star: The Quest BBC2 7.30am

2:00pm The OC 3:00pm Average Joe: Adam Returns 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Average Joe: Adam Returns 7:00pm.

Hollyoaks Ben is put in an awkward position when Lisa arrives at his flat, with Louise still there from the night before. Fnarr and a half. 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm ER 10:00pm Fool Around...With James Hewitt 11:00pm Sex and the City 11:35pm Sex and the City 12:15am 4 Go Dating: Celebrities Steve Johnson, Charlotte Church's ex Aimee from girlband Clea? Will Fame Academy finalist Paris Royal snogger Lauren Pope? Will Big Brother 2003 runner-up Ray Shah, Eastenders actress Judi Shekoni The Salon's Vassos Kesta, posh totty Donatella. Aimee who?

Royal snogger what? Wasn’t Donnatella one of the ninja turtles? Who on Gods greens earth is Judi Shekoni from Eastenders? This sucks!

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06.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.25 Franny's Feet 06.35 Oswald 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Franklin 08.40 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.10 MechaNick 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: Columbo: Lovely but Lethal" 15.35 Film: The Adventures of Quentin Durward 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 World War I in Colour 20.00 Film: Charlie's Angels 22.00 Peter Kay Live at the Top of the Tower Quite a scoop for five, as “that fat guy you know, what sings Anne Marie Wait For Me like” performs a live show which was shown on channel 4 about a month ago and everyones seen anway, but still, if Amarillo can still be number one after what seems like sixteen centuries then there must be someone out there who gives one about this. And thanks to five, this is for you.

23.15 Bad Boys of Comedy Jim Davidson, Brian Conley, Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, Jethro, Benard Manning, Lee Evans, Ronnie Barker, Ernie Wise, Paul O’ Grady and Lenny Henry are all pretty bad.

24.00 Election Results Live

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5:50am Spider-Man 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Fiends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:20am The King of Queens 8:50am Will and Grace 9:15am Will and Grace 9:45am Come Dine With Me 10:15am Third Watch 11:10am Without a Trace 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm Highland Tripping: Tales From Loch Lomond “Och Aye and then Willum and Hamish dropped a wee bit a’ acid doon by the loch, lassie” 12:35pm Grudge Match 12:45pm Cheers 1:15pm Channel 4 Racing from Chester 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Room For Improvement 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm Cinema Iran: Rock 127 8:00pm Selling Houses 8:30pm The City Gardener 9:00pm The Full Monty Not to be confused with the ultimate breakfast in Cafe Calcio, which is called The Full Vomit Bag. 10:40pm Bremner, Bird and Fortune: A Bunch of Counts 11:50pm The Secret Election Candidate with the lowest votes get put on the cross and covered in crab paste.

12:20am Wish You Were Here 2:00am The Flower of My Scent 3:50am Another Blue Day Fuck Cunt Shit Motherfucking Cocksucking Thursday.

4:10am Drifting 4:25am The Boer War 5:25am Countdown 6:10am

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10.30 This Morning. Including 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.30 Perseverance 2.00 Loose Women. 2.45 Solution Street 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Tractor Tom. 3.45 What About Mimi? 3.55 Jungle Run The shoddy Crystal Maze for kids returns for another low budget substandard series.

4.25 The Fugitives 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Stories from the Street. 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Footballers' Wives.

10.00 Election 2005 Well done to ITV1 for managing to remember what year it is, although they’re already five minutes behind with their coverage so sod this.

Last time around I stayed up to watch the entire election but passed out shortly after William Hague’s resignation and the fellow trying to save the hospital got elected. I had had a seriously disturbing nightmare that evening from what I remember. I also puked my stomach lining up into the downstairs bathroom too.

Anyway, issues of politics again: I voted Lib Dem last time for no reason other than Mark Oaten MP claims to be a fan of obscure sickheaded electro duo Matmos. He won.

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PRIMETIME

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster TV 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest.

7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers.

10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 The Way Things Work 10:45 Razzledazzle 11:05 Something Special 11:20 Primary Geography: Using the Land.

11:30 The Way Things Work 11:45 Razzledazzle. 12:05pm: Words and Pictures Plus 12:20 Science Clips 12:30 Working Lunch.

1:00 Watch. 1:15 Watch.

Famous People with Magic Grandad: Dr Edward Jenner.

1:30 FILM: Flame of the Barbary Coast. 3:00 My Best Friend...Muhammed Ali. 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook.

5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Animal Park.

6:30 Dick and Dom's Ask the Family 7:00 The Culture Show.

8:00 Ray Mears' Bushcraft.

9:00 Little Britain 9:30 The Robinsons 10:00 Dead Ringers 10:30 FILM: Best in Show.

11:55 The Culture Show 12:55am: Lee Marvin - a Personal Portrait by John Boorman. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision: Science 3.

Revision support for pupils preparing for the Key Stage 3 national tests. (T) 4:00 GCSE Bitesize Revision.

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11:00 Homes under the Hammer.

11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather.

1:40 Neighbours.

Paul teams up with Dylan. On a cover of ‘Lay Lady Lay’ serenaded at Izzy. Howww does it feeeel Paul?

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote.

Jessica is appalled to discover a satirical New York comic strip has caricatured her as a blackmailing fox who extorts money from policemen and stockbrokers. This sounds fantastic 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger.

3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids. 4:00 The Story of Tracy Beaker 5:00 Really Wild Show.

5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 7:00 People's War. 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 20th Century Roadshow.

8:55 Journey of Life 9:55 Election Night Many thanks to BBC1 for allowing me to extend the prime-time bar right down the bottom of the page. Election nights are always, always worth staying up for, especially in recent years when my constituency (Winchester) has successfully managed to balls up the count two elections running and the last man standing has to slur out the results at 8am.

The Flower of My Scent Columbo: lovely But C4 2am Lethal five 2pm

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Fiends 07:55 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:20 King of Queens 08:50 Will and Grace 09:15 Will and Grace 09:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Third Watch 11:10 Without a Trace 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Peppa Pinc 13:15 Channel 4 Racing 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Beyblade 16:30 Crafwr 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard and Judy 18:00 The Simpson 18:30 The Simpson 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Clwb Garddio 21:00 RALÏO 22:00 Etholiad 2005 Oherwydd Natur Byw Y Darllediad Uchod Gall Amser Cau y Sianel Gael El Effeithio This translates as “sure to the live nature of this programme blah blah blah chickens etc”04:00 Diwedd/Close

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Friday

Page 30

May 2 - May 8 2005

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6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith. 7.00 GMTV Today Did you know that 95% of the UK and Irish blackcurrants go into making Ribena? All thank you cards to Mr Will Talmage for that one. Major loss of brownie points however for mocking my surname. The cunt. 9.25 People's Court. 10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.30 Perseverance. 2.00 Loose Women. 2.45 Solution Street.

3.30 Miffy and Friends. Snuffy's Birthday 3.35 Tractor Tom. Buzz To The Rescue 3.45 What About Mimi? Law and Disorder 3.55 Jungle Run. 4.25 The Fugitives. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show. Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. Urgh, I just consumed almost an entire large packet of peanut M&Ms. 7.00 Emmerdale.7.30 Stories from the Street. Rhyl 8.00 The Bill. 9.00 Footballers' Wives.

10.00 Election 2005. The boys have gone outside to ‘play catch’.

6.00 GMTV. 6.00-9.25 GMTV Today 9.25 Election 2005.

10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.30 Perseverance. 2.00 Loose Women. 2.45 Solution Street.

3.30 Miffy and Friends. Miffy Has the Flu 3.35 Tractor Tom. 3.45 What About Mimi?

Children's animated series about a girl determined to solve everyone's problems. Mimi takes the chance to learn about firefighting with the Starfish Bay Fire Department, but soon becomes disillusioned by the job after rescuing one too many cats. Hmm, Mimi I sympathise I do, sometimes when I rescue a few too many cats I feel I have to lie down for a few minutes and contemplate life. Mimi’s chance to shine comes after an electrical storm puts Mr Greely's dog's life in danger. Mine came when I wet myself on stage during the nativity and Joseph forgot his lines.

4.00 Splash Camp. 4.30 Girls in Love. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald.

8.30 FILM: Octopussy.

(1983, Spy) 10.30 ITV News. 11.25 FILM: Octopussy. (1983, Spy) 11.50 The Contender. 0.40 FILM: American Graffiti. (1973, Comedy) 2.35 Entertainment Now! 3.00 The Paul O'Grady Show. 3.50 cd:uk Hotshots.

4.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald. 4.40 Star Bites.

4.45 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News. Argh, Jim is listening to scary music and it’s hurting my head............

19.00 Dickens in America 19.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill Time for Part II of TV Katie’s Recipe World. Due to popular demand I will shortly be bringing out a short book (6.99 Shmite books) featuring all the favourites. Part II is the delicious noodle snack you can eat anywhere. Cooked with tender noodles, a powdered sauce and lashings of sodium chloride, simply serve with boiling water and a strong stomach. Enjoy!

20.00 The World 20.30 Tales from Europe: Lithuania 21.00 Dr Goebbels Speaks 22.40 Surrealissimo 23.40 Tales from Europe: Lithuania 24.10 Dr Goebbels Speaks He does? But what does he say, pray tell?

01.50 Patrick Hamilton: Words, Whisky and Women 02.20 In the Footsteps of Churchill 02.50 Tales from Europe: Lithuania As shown earlier. So good, they’re showing it again.

03.20 Dickens in America 03.50 Close

Animals of Farthing Wood BBC2 6am

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30am Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond Found out yesterday (this text has no link to Everybody Loves Raymond, which incidentally, is shite.) that me and my housemates are 99.9% going to Glastonbury.

Woop! The 0.01% worries me somewhat but I’m pretty happy with that percentage. Already v.excited about seeing the incredible Conor Oberst AKA Bright Eyes and Interpol. Anyone else going? Come join us in the Stone Circle shaking the maraccas with ageing hippies until noon. 8:25 The King of Queens 8:50 Will & Grace 9:15 Will & Grace 9:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Third Watch 11:05 Without a Trace 12:00 News at Noon – Election Results Special Shock result! Labour gain another term! TV Katie purchases more shares in the exclamation mark!! Seriously though, is anyone expecting an exciting election?

1:15 Channel 4 Racing 3:15 Countdown 4:00 Room for Improvement 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Cinema Iran: Tehran, Past and Present 8:00 The Secret Election 8:30 Friends Don’t care what’s on tonight, I’m going to see The Interpreter which is supposed to be fabulous.

9:00 The Simpsons 9:30 Derren Brown – Trick of the Mind 10:00 Playing it Straight 11:10 Crush 1:15 Empire Square 1:50 Night Falls on Manhattan 3:45 Roseanna’s Grave 5:25 Cuntdown

2:00pm THE O.C. 3:00pm Average Joe: Adam Returns 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Average Joe: Adam Returns 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm Cruel Intentions 2 (2000) 11:40pm Kingdom of Hope: The Making of Kingdom 12:15am 4 Go Dating: Celebrities 12:40am Black Books: A Little Flutter Manny puts a bet on the Grand National for Bernard, who claims not to be interested in gambling but immediately becomes completely addicted to it. Fran, looking for work, needs a short-term job to appear employable. Bernard hires her, setting her off against Manny in competition for sales person of the century to replenish his dwindling funds. All the while Bernard is losing more and more money and borrowing gambling funds from scarier and scarier people...Awesome.

1:15am Trigger Happy Ah who cares what’s on????

06.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.25 Franny's Feet 06.35 Oswald The adventures of a lovable blue octopus, his pet hot dog and a cast of quirky characters who reside in Oswald's hometown - Big City.

Henry wakes up with a long feather sticking up from his head, but is afraid that a trip to the barber's will hurt. Yes, that’s a common one, waking up with something strange sticking up from your head. I wouldn’t worry too much Henry, re-trace your steps and you’ll soon find out what happened. I normally end up at some dirty kebab shop and then everything becomes clear. 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Franklin 08.40 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.10 MechaNick 09.25 Trisha Goddard (You've Turned My Girl Gay) It’s a classic Trisha today.

Still not fucking good enough to precede The Wright Stuff though, goddamn it! 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: "Columbo: Lovely but Lethal" (1973, Crime) 15.35 Film: "The Adventures of Quentin Durward" (1955, Adventure) 17.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 World War I in Colour 8.00 Film: "Charlie's Angels" (2000, Action) 10.00 Peter Kay Live at the Top of the Tower Good stuff, makes me piss at least.

10.15 Bad Boys of Comedy 0.00 Election Results Live ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

PRIMETIME

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood. 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks.

6:50 Monster TV. 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures. 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Fireman Sam. 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It. 9:00 Tweenies. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 The Story Makers. 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog. 10:15 Little Red Tractor. 10:30 FILM: Saps at Sea. (1940) 11:25 FILM: Sons of the Desert. (1934) 12:30pm: Working Lunch. 1:30 FILM: Never Love a Stranger. (1958) 3:00 My Best Friend...Steve McQueen. Ooh you lucky thing, I never met him myself. 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook.

5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Animal Park: Wild in Africa.

6:30 Uncharted Territory.

My pants. It’s been a long time....

7:00 Piltdown Man Hoax: Days That Shook the World.

7:30 A Year at Kew. 8:00 Gardeners' World.

9:00 55 Days: The Fall of Saigon.

10:30 Newsnight.

11:30 FILM: Bad Timing.

(1980) 1:30am: Joins BBC News 24. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Art: a Question of Style. 2:30 Women and Allegory: Gender and Sculpture in Two Societies. 3:00 Informer, Eduquer, Divertir? Ooh going all French on us are we? I’d never do a thing like that, alienating our readers. 3:30 The Unusual Suspects. 4:00 Declining Citizenship.

4:30 Alaska - the Last Frontier?

5:00 Animated English: The Creature Comforts Story. 5:30 Play and the Social World.

Uncharted Territory BBC2 6.30pm

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Spendaholics Series that shows how to lead a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget. Graham Gartside is 27 and loves living it up in the bars of Manchester, but has debts of nearly 30,000 pounds.

Lifestyle expert Jay Hunt tries to lure Graham away from his Vivienne Westwood wardrobe, while psychological coach Benjamin Fry digs deep in Graham's past to find out why his mother is being milked dry by her adult son. 30 grand?

What a dick.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.00 MPs' Outtakes 23.30 Wedding Stories 24.25 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.25 Spendaholics 02.20 MPs' Outtakes 02.50 Wedding Stories 03.50 Close

Crush ITV1 11.10pm

PRIMETIME

6:00am: Breakfast. This week it has been two weetabix, a dash of sugar and lashings of milk. Then it’s EAT, EAT, EAT before it goes soggy. There’s an art to it believe me. 9:30 Election 2005. 1:00pm: BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. Izzy and Paul are hooked on deception. Summer wants to go to the party. Sky and Paul face off. Eew, what a hideous thought. 2:05 Doctors.

2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger. 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids. 4:00 Arthur. 4:20 The Fairly Odd Parents. 4:30 Ace Lightning. Rotgut Rides Again. 5:00 Blue Peter: Goodbye Si. 5:25 Newsround.

5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News.

6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather.

7:00 A Question of Sport.

7:30 Top of the Pops. With Black Eyed Peas, Gwen Stefani and the Foo Fighters. I’m seeing the Foos at Reading, which should be good provided the new stuff he’s done with Norah Jones (yikes) isn’t gash. Think gash is my new word of the week, I knicked it off TV Willy.

8:00 EastEnders.

8:30 The Lenny Henry Show. 9:00 Have I Got News for You. 9:30 Only Fools and Horses.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather.

10:45 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross. Jonathan welcomes Oasis with an exclusive live appearance in the studio performing their new single Lyla, which really isn’t very good.

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Fireman Sam BBC2 8.30am

PRIMETIME

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:25 King of Queens 08:50 Will & Grace 09:15 Will & Grace 09:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Thirdwatch 11:05 Without a Trace 12:00 Newyddion 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 Channel 4 Racing 15:15 Cuntdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:25 O Na! 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Uned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:30 Pobol y Cym 21:00 Caneuon Mawr 21:30 Cnex 21:45 Property Ladder 22:45 Derren Brown 23:15 Playing It Straight 00:20 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 01:25 Young Guns II (1990) 03:15 Monster Jam UK 03:40 KOTV Classics 04:35 Close

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.30 Nanny 911 15.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 16.25 Holiday Showdown This week, the local derby, Scarborough vs Whitby.

17.25 Kingdom of Heaven European Premiere I wouldn’t mind seeing this epic from Ridley ‘Gladiator’ Scott but I know it’ll be one of those films claiming to be historically accurate and then all of a sudden the losing side pull out an ABomb to turn the tide in their favour. Also, you know Legolas will appear at some point to save the day in this film. 17.55 House of Horrors Pink stripy wallpaper. 18.25 House of Horrors 18.55 Impossible Escapes 19.45 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 20.45 Celebrity Fit Club USA 21.30 Film: Pretty Woman (1990) Office opinion: pretty shit. 23.55 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

If money doesn’t bring you hapinees, then not me. 24.55 Footballers' Wives TV 01.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 03.50 Teleshopping 05.50 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 On Show: Ivor the Engine and the Story of Small Films Don’t worry, we all know it’s a Welsh cartoon. Bloody nationalists. 19.25 Animation Nation 20.25 Animation Nation Shorts 21.25 Chuck Berry in Concert Now I’m pretty sure Chuck Norris fought Bruce Lee in the epic finale of Way Of The Dragon.

East vs West. Old vs New. Fluid vs Rigid. What a finish to a superb film. Of course I could be wrong. Jimmy Norris is ringing a bell somewhere in the depth of my mind. Hmm...now I’m confused. 22.25 Animation Nation 23.25 Time Shift: The Magic Roundabout 24.25 Stressed Eric This was awesome (can you tell that’s my new favourite word?) when it was on the first time around. I used to watch it in Year 11! Ah the memories, cinema and bowling each weekend before we could try and get served at the local Wetherspoons. Happy Days.

0.50 The Old Lady and the Pigeons 01.10 Time Shift: Children's News 01.50 Animation Nation 02.50 Time Shift: The Magic Roundabout 03.50 Close

The Body five 11.20pm

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 Transworld Sport 8:00 The Morning Line 8:55 T4: Futurama 9:25 T4: Futurama 9:50 T4: hit40uk A fast-paced and highimpact chart show. I don’t even need to add anything when this is the classic tripe the TV companies write about their shows.

10:20 T4: Playing It Straight 11:25 T4: Friends 11:55 T4: Friends 12:30 T4: PURE T4 13:00 T4: Point Pleasant 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 16:10 Relocation, Relocation This week, more skank of society are kicked out of their shoddy council homes. Unlucky. 17:10 Property Ladder 18:15 Morgan & Platell 18:45 Channel 4 News 19:25 Musicality: The Winners’ Story 21:25 Kylie: The Showgirl Tour Clearly this won’t be a patch on the film with the ugly wench out of saved by the bell. Has Kylie had plastic surgery of every part of her body she flaunts so well? Do bears shit in the woods?

23:35 Kylie Entirely 01:10 4Music: Napster Live 01:25 4Music: The White Stripes: Live In Blackpool 02:25 4Music: 4Play: The Vitamins Here’s a novel idea, why don’t new bands employ some sense of originality and avoid naming their bands ‘The’ something. For fuck’s sake, it’s not that difficult. 02:35 4Music: Popworld 03:20 4Music: hit40uk 03:45 Film: Kissed (1995) The blurb on this film is that a young mortician experiences a period of tabooed sexual enlightenment whilst remaining chaste. Does that mean she takes it up the arse from rigor mortis-ed corpses?

Even if I’m half right, this warrants some investigation if you can bother to stay awake.

14:00 Switched 14:30 Nokia Urban Music Festival With Prince’s Trust 2005 You know this is going to be chav-infested shite. 15:00 Average Joe 16:00 The Next joe Millionaire 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 The O.C. 19:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 20:00 Scrubs 20:30 Scrubs 21:00 ER 22:00 Desperate Housewives 23:00 Scrubs If you like the soundtrack to this show then you’ll like Lazlo Bane. The song Overkill is a classic. 23:25 Scrubs 23:55 Playing It Straight Give money to ex-cons to start a new life. What do they do? Run off with the money to have a great night at the pub.

Well done Channel 4. 01:00 The O.C. 01:50 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 02:35 ER 03:20 Nokia Urban Music Festival With The Prince’s Trust 2005 04:00 Close The only problem with doing both Saturday and Sunday is that everything is fucking repeated! I’ve already written about this because it’s in Sunday’s listing. If you want to find out what happens then turn the page.

6.00 Sunrise 6.55 Peppa Pig 7.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 7.25 Milkshake! 7.30 Ebb and Flo Educational, geographical cartoon fun for students and kids alike. 7.35 Funky Valley 7.40 Make Way for Noddy 7.55 Rolie Polie Olie 8.30 Franklin 9.00 George Shrinks Well you would too if you took that medicine and then saw up your grandma’s skirt as she grew through the roof. Urgh, it’s making me go that way too.

9.30 Beyblade 9.55 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 10.50 Beast Wars 11.20 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Film: Peggy Sue Got Married (1986) 15.25 Film: Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire (2000) 17.05 Charmed 17.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 18.50 Film: Maverick (1994) And in my naive state I thought this was the sequel to the best-film-towatch-when-you’re-drunkeven-though-it’s-slightly-gay.

21.05 five news update 21.25 CSI:NY 22.25 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.20 Film: The Body (2000) Unfortunately this isn’t the film rendition of the Stephen King short story, but some wank about the body of Christ being found under a floorboard in Fulham. Antonio Ban-my-ass goes on a killing spree through the Vatican to find out the truth.

I can’t help it! I have to include the Pope at some point or else my life doesn’t have the same meaning. 01.30 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 02.15 Film: Captive (1998) 03.45 Sunset Beach 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters Incestuous parents talk about the relationships with their children. And yes, it’s Hereford.

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PRIMETIME

6.00 GMTV 6.00-9.25 Toonattik 9.25 MOM 11.30 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Qualifying 13.10 ITV News; Weather 13.15 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.20 British Touring Cars Championship 14.20 Creature Comforts 14.30 Kingdom of Heaven European Premiere 15.00 Midsomer Murders The detective realises he’s investigated so many murders that the entire village is devoid of life.

Everyone is dead. With his job done, the detective pulls his car away and drives off into the sunset to another unsuspecting sleepy village. Stephen King, move aside. 17.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.30 Hit Me Baby One More Time 18.30 Celebrity Mud Wrestling 19.45 Celebrity Stitch Up I’m sure this show will be full of comedic gaff and gags to really make you choke on your Saturday night fish and chip dinner.

20.15 Hit Me Baby One More Time Results 20.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.30 Ultimate Force 23.00 ITV News 23.15 FILM: 3,000 Miles to Graceland (2001) 01.30 FILM: Tucker: The Man and His Dream (1988) Tucker Jenkins dreams of making it big on the centre stage.

The Norbury Theatre in Droitwich won’t take him though so he descends into a life of drink, drugs and fat women. It isn’t until he realises unhealthy isn’t sexy that he pulls himself together. It’s a rollercoaster of a film. 03.20 The Pitts 03.40 Entertainment Now! 4.05 Mixmasters 04.35 Cybernet 05.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

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19.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.15 Farscape 21.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.45 BBC Three Outtakes Show 22.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 22.15 Film: Rocky (1976) 0.10 Doctor Who 0.55 Doctor Who Confidential 01.25 MPs' Outtakes 01.55 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.55 Secret Life of the Shop Argh, there is too much space to fill on this fucking channel. I’m going to have to resort to telling jokes or else demanding good ones from you, dear reader, to fill these gaps. No one reads this bit anyway. You heathen merely look at the pictures, have a good laugh and then fuck off back to the Saturday magazine in the Sun. Why do we bother? Because, sometimes, some poor fool, whilst searching for something to read on the toilet stumbles across these ramblings in the TV guide and is inextricably drawn into the expertly woven narratives and random ramblings.

Next thing you know, you’ve flushed yourself down the loo.

6:00 Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Ever Wondered about Food 12:00 See Hear 12:45 The Sky at Night 13:05 Talking Movies 13:30 Wagner's Ring: The Valkyrie 17:40 Inside the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 18:05 Flog It! 19:05 Porridge 19:35 The Nazis: A Warning from History The extent of the office’s knowledge about the Nazis runs to Hermann Hess and Rudolf Goering. As a history graduate it hurts. Deep.

20:25 Soul Deep Yeah, soul deep. I feel like a JAMES BROWN! WILL YOUNG! coming on. Ahhh sweet release.

21:25 Conviction 22:25 Have I Got News for You Yeah I have, the Pope article was a piss take you ignorant, mis-informed tykes, stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to write letters. Oh, and Alys who is from Hong Kong has has sex in the tropics and has confirmed that condoms do not rot in hot weather as some twat in the letters page claimed. Get your facts right. Read the Da Vinci Code as one of our lovely readers does.

22:55 The Apprentice 23:55 The Apprentice 0:25 Rugby Special 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: A Thread of Quicksilver 02:30 The Mother of All Collisions 03:00 Maiden Flights 03:30 Did Tibet Cool the Earth? 04:00 Persisting Dreams of Doyle stealing into my room and having his wicked way with me. I sleep with a knife under my pillow now. 05:00 Containing the Pacific

Chuck Berry In Concert BBC4 9.25pm

Your Union

6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! Casper the friendly ghost comes back on top form as ever. 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Tom and Jerry Kid 7:30 Dennis the Menace 7:55 Watch My Chops 8:15 The Mummy 8:35 The Fairly Odd Parents 9:00 The Saturday Show 10:30 Dance Factory 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12:00 BBC News; Weather 12:10 Football Focus 1:00 Grandstand 13:05 Racing from Lingfield and Haydock If this is as exciting as it sounds then I’ve got a rip roaring afternoon ahead of me. I need to get out more. 14:30 Around the Grounds 14:35 Rugby League: Challenge Cup 5th Round. Hull FC v Bradford Bulls 15:30 Football Update 15:35 Rugby League: Challenge Cup 5th Round Hull FC v Bradford Bulls 16:30 Final Score 17:10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17:30 Just for Laughs Doyle decided to insert his penis into the gair rhydd paper shredder.

She wasn’t too pleased about it though.

18:00 Strictly Dance Fever 19:00 Doctor Who 19:45 The National Lottery: Come and Have a Go 20:35 Casualty 21:25 Strictly Dance Fever Crap, wank, gash, cack, crock o’ shite, piss poor and shocklingly awful.

They’re the positive comments about this.

21:55 BBC News; Weather 22:15 Match of the Day 23:45 FILM: Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979) Is this something about fish?

01:40 A Question of Sport 02:10 Top of the Pops 02:40 Joins BBC News 24 A whole day and not a word about My Chamical Romance. Impressed?

Me too...

Soul Deep ITV1 8.25pm

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6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 Transworld Sport 8:00 Morning Line 8:55 Time Team Special 9:55 Film: Jules Verne’s Rocket To The Moon 11:35 Nokia Urban Music Festival With Prince’s Trust 2005 12:05 Point Pleasant 12:55 The O.C. 13:50 Y Clwb Rugby For those people who don’t speak Welsh, this translates as ‘Soccer Saturday’.

16:00 A Place In The Sun 16.30 The Secret Election Well it wasn’t that secret cos we all know it was on Thursday. 17:00 Newyddion 17:10 Y Clwb Rygbi 19:25 Risg 19:55 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 20:10 Tipyn O Stad 20:40 Hwyl Y Noson Lawen 21:10 O Flaen Dy Lygaid 22:10 Film: The Full Monty (1997) Finally, the S4C premiere of this working class classic set on the mean streets of Sheffield. And it’s only taken eight years.

23:50 Film: Red Planet (2000) 01:45 Joss Stone Hits New York Ah so that explains her face. Devon can’t be blamed for all of that. 02.45 Empire Square 03:15 Bennetts British Superbikes 04:15 KOTV 04:45 Close

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19.00 Doctor Who 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Secret Life of the Shop 22.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Swiss Toni 0.00 Spendaholics 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Secret Life of the Shop 02.55 Spendaholics 03.55 Close My theory is with all the new BBC channels is that since nobody but nobody watches them, they actually show hour after hour of filthy porn.

I’ve yet to test my theory but if, one day, you accidentally flick over to this piss poor channel and are fortunate enough to catch the dirty programmers at their worst, then tell us. We’d love to know. To be honest, no one at TV Desk is actually that stupid to watch this cack and for your sakes, and sanity, neither should you. Please. god news, The Ataris have finished recording their new album, Welcome The Night, that’ll be fucking awesome.

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 It's Good to Be... Posh and Becks 9.45 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

10.50 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 11.50 Planet's Funniest Animals This week I have been mostly listening to the album Futures by Jimmy Eat World. Grrrrrrreat. 12.20 American Idol 13.10 American Idol 13.35 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.25 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.45 Celebrity Wrestling I’m not even going to start on this. All I will say is that Jet will always have a place in my heart over this not-really-butis remake of gladiators. 20.00 American Idol 20.50 American Idol 21.20 Film: Three of Hearts 23.20 Coronation Street 23.50 Footballers' Wives TV 0.20 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 0.50 Million Dollar Babes Abi Titmuss and Jodie Marsh add some sincerity to this classy show. Boobs and bums are gratuitously spread like John Leslie after a heavy night out. One to watch when you’re drunk then. 01.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 02.05 Teleshopping

19.00 Birdland: Over the Rainbow - Art Tatum This seems to be random words stuck together to sound like something intellectually stimulating. Clearly though, it’s utter gash. 19.05 The DVD Collection 19.35 Nation on Film 20.05 The National Trust Fuck me, BBC4 are pulling out all the stop with a riveting documentary about possible the most boring topic imaginable. Well, perhaps the contents of my shoe pips this one to the post. 21.30 Band of Brothers 22.30 The Guinea Pig Club The problem I have with these over grown hamsters is that they are overgrown hamsters. They’ve just eaten too much and feel stupid in the little cages small childrem buy for them. 23.30 Nation on Film 0.00 The DVD Collection 0.30 The National Trust 01.50 The Guinea Pig Club Just incase you missed the cuddly creatures the first time, they’re back for more with the uncut, after-dark show.

Does bestiality stretch to these furry friends? 02.50 Nation on Film 03.20 The DVD Collection 03.50 Close

Super Size Me S4C 10.50pm

14:00 Switched 14:30 Nokia Urban Music Festival With The Prince’s Trust 2005 15:00 Average Joe 16:00 The Next Joe Milloinairre 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 The O.C. 19:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 20:00 Scrubs 20:30 Scrubs 21:00 ER 22:00 Desperate Housewives There’s something wrong with me. I’ve missed this utterly awesome show for so many weeks not I’ve literally lost the plot. I can’t believe I’m missing the reason TV is still around. 23:00 Scrubs 23:25 Scrubs 23:55 Playing It Straight 01:00 The O.C. One show I certainly can’t miss is the lusbian lust filled plethora of female beauties that is the OC at the moment. The storyline, to ruin it for the regular viewers, is going to be that...wait for it...Merissa falls for Ryan again!

And, Seth and Summer are back in each other after rekindling their love last week. Awww.

01:50 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 02:35 ER 3:20 Nokia Urban Music Festival With The Princes Trust

6.00 Softies 6.05 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 6.30 Franny's Feet 6.40 Oswald 6.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 7.15 Milkshake! 7.20 Ebb and Flo 7.25 Funky Valley 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Rolie Polie Olie 8.15 Franklin 8.45 George Shrinks 9.15 The Secret of Eel Island They’re not actually eels.

They’re cunningly disguised rabbits who have learnt to swim.

The episode when they finally reveal themselves is stunning.

9.35 Aliens among Us 9.50 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.20 Michaela's Wild Challenge 10.55 Snobs 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 Rooted 12.30 Divine Designs 13.05 five news update 13.10 Film: Columbo: Dagger of the Mind (1972) 15.00 Guy Pearce's Ultimate Guide to Tigers Marinally coming off his perch, the star of Memento gives us an insight into his favourite pastime: big, hairy pussies. 16.05 Film: To Walk with Lions (1999) And no, Guy Pearce doesn’t star in this nugget of film history.

18.00 five news 18.30 Film: Stuart Little 2 (2002) Marginally worse than the first one.

20.00 Joey 20.30 Two and a Half Men 21.00 Film: The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976) Before S4C viewers cream themselves, this (hopefully) has nothing to do with Wales. If it does then it’ll probably be a big steaming turd of a film.

22.35 To be announced Knowing five, this will be porn.

23.40 World's Wildest Police Videos 0.35 Great Caledonian Run 01.15 Major League Baseball Live 04.05 Motorsport Mundial 04.30 Portuguese Football Braga v Sporting L.

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0:05 Inside Elton’s World The trouble comes when you realise ‘world’ is Elton’s pet name for his arsehole. At least the camera crew could fit their lens up there. 01:05 World Superbikes 02:05 British Supermoto Championship 02:35 KOTV Classics

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 9.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9.35 Celebrity Wrestling 10.50 cd:uk 11.50 ITV News; Weather 11.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.00 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Live 15.00 Waterfront 15.30 FILM: 20,000 Leagues under the Sea (1954) 17.55 Holiday Airline 30 mins of people sitting in seats and complaining.

18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat What’s this? Another fabulous installment of this nice show? Personally, I love the fact that every week some scrubbed up tosser makes a mistake and kills someone but by the end of the show, with the helpful sounds of the Beatles, everything is alright. Awww if only good shows worked like that (ok, one good show does, Mr Dawson and his creek).

21.00 William and Mary I was positively moist at the thought of a documentary about the fabled Will and Ma from days of yore, but no, it’s another bollocks heartwarming drama from cack tv. Great.

22.00 Victory in Europe in Colour 23.00 ITV News 23.05 The South Bank Show 0.05 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Highlights 01.10 The Village People 01.35 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.25 Trisha 3.20 Loose Women The Vodka girls of Cardiff Uni reveal all in this no-holds-barred epic from the hallowed halls of ITV Wank. Essential viewing. 4.00 ITV Nightscreen

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6:00 CBeebies Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby-Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Past Times 11:30 HRH Princess Margaret: Memories of VE Day 11:55 Gardeners' World You’re a fortunate bunch. Only just a minute ago I was putting the final touche to the Radio 4 listings which had mysteriously become mistaken for BBC2. Instead of Gardener’s World you could have been reading about Gardener’s Question Time. Awesome. 12:55 Sunday Grandstand 13:05 Football News 1:10 Rugby Union: Celtic Cup/Zurich Premiership 13:50 Brian O'Driscoll Feature 14:00 Three-Day Eventing 15:45 Final Score 16:00 Rugby League: Challenge Cup 5th Round Salford City Reds v London Broncos Like me, you’’ve probably never heard of these teams and, like me, you probably won’t watch this cos it’ll be crap. Like most egg-chasing.

18:10 Natural World 19:00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron The munchkins finally have their revenge on this poor woman. No idea who she is but I pity her.

20:00 Tribe 21:00 The Real Little Britain What a clever idea, make a real like show about a comedy spoof of real life.

It’s almost as if the Bravo programmers have taken over for the hour. They love chavumentaries 22:00 Dead Ringers 22:30 Match of the Day 2 23:15 FILM: Nashville (1975) 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Money Matters: Money Matters 03:00 Money Matters 04:00 Money Matters unless you’re stinking rich 05:00 Money Matters

Inside Elton John C4 0.05am

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6:00 Breakfast 8:10 Match of the Day 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:30 Countryfile 12:00The Politics Show 13:00 Bargain Hunt 13:30 Keeping Up Appearances 14:00 The Father Dowling Mysteries 14:45 EastEnders 16:45 Points of View 17:00 Songs of Praise 17:35 As Time Goes By 18:05 Last of the Summer Wine 18:35 We'll Meet Again Yup, me and my best friend Jean Claude will be kicking back on some clouds when the time comes.

You’d be surprised what I’ve done to get into heaven...

19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 A Party to Remember Live from Trafalgar Square 21:30 The Vicar of Dibley 22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:15 FILM: Last Orders (2000) 0:00 FILM: Carry On Matron (1972) 01:30 Joins BBC News 24 Well, well, well my Pope article has caused quite a stir and if you haven’t yet, read the letters page then go and do it now. It amuses me that people don’t understand irony when they read it. To the girl who’s letter started ‘another person who’s read the Da Vinci Code and thinks they know it all’, I’d like to set the record straight and say that I’ve never read the Da Vinci Code so I guess that means my article falls by the wayside because there’s nothing to back it up now. Haha stupid first years who think they’re being clever.

For everybody else, I hope you enjoyed the article and didn’t take it so seriously.

The National Trust BBC4 8.05pm

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6:50 The Hoobs 7:15 French Football: Le Championnat 7:45 Thunder Racing At The Rock 8:10 British Superbike 8:40 Vee TV 9:10 Hollyoaks 9:40 Hollyoaks 10:10 Hollyoaks 10:45 Hollyoaks 11:15 Hollyoaks 11:45 Maniffesto 12:15 Yr Whthnos 12:45 Rownd A Rownd 13:15 Rownd A Rownd 13:45 Y Clwb PelDroed 16:10 Cwpwrdd Dillad 16:35 04 Wal 17:05 Hip Neu Sgip? 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws Glag wlof preggadd neuedd portdg.

See I can write Welsh too. I feel all special and fluent. 19:30 Rhwng Duw A Dyn 20:00 Cofio 60: Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20:30 Cofio 60: Rhyfel Y Cymry 21:00 Cofio 60: Olion Rhyfel 21:15 Amdani 22:05 Newyddion 22:20 Tipyn O Stad 22:50 Super Size Me To be fair, all this GOD I HATE MCDONALDS film did was to make me more peckish and want one of those bigger mac things with 2 pieces of bun in the middle.

Mmm... 0:40 The 100 Greatest Albums 04:30 Morgan & Platell 05:00 Close

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

May 3 3005

The Loyd Grossman Photo Casebook EP.5 WEEK 3

Dr. Matthew problempage@gairrhydd.com - GET ME SACKED IT WILL BE WELL FUNNY

Binding Brontë = Burden Dear Dr Matthew,

As you have exactly two hours to get back to me, sending this is probably pointless.

Having decided to invade the Cretaceous period in a super timetravelling chopper, Loyd and Jon arrive safely in some water.

However, any words of comfort will be greatly appreciated.

Right now my thesis is being bound, and I’m having recurring daymares about it, palpitations, the shakes; basically the whole she-bang. Just looked in the mirror, and yep, my pupils are definitely dilated. I’m terrified the Brontë sisters will swoop down from heaven (or in my opinion up from hell, for having wriiten the friggin' novels) and subject me to forms of Victorian torture involving scary wooden dildos and the like. How can I banish this spectre, retain my sanity, and ensure my lecturer gives me a first? Or, more importantly a pass?

Yours etc. etc.

Understandably the dinosaurs of that particular era shat themselves and got a bit angry. Loyd had to shoot them but that was OK really.

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As my spell checker just informed me (rudely, I might add), the plural of dildo does not appear to be ‘dildoes’. This was moderately ineffectual, but then it made me decide that sometime, somewhen, a person was paid to put rude words into the

spellchecker’s memory. Imagine their delight when words like ‘thalidomide’ and ‘rectum’ were consigned to the system. I can’t imagine it. In fact, if there’s a company out there that’s contracted to add words to spellchecker-dictionar y-thesaurussynonym banks then PLEASE employ me. I’d make up new words too, like ‘pahodahlohewahdoh’.

This word quite frankly means ‘A word that is far too full of H’s to actually pronounce without spitting on the fellow conversant’ and its synonyms are ‘my mouth tastes of sodomy’ and ‘Chechen’. I’d try and confuse the entire English language, and all the people that use it. And then I’d laugh and then cry and then fall sideways – naked – off a cathedral parapet (wailing ‘pahodahlohewahdoh!’).

Unfortunately you didn’t specify the time of dissertation committal, and I can’t find my watch.

You might not think the two were linked, but they are. Knowing the time is very important when it comes to sleeping, and sleeping usually banishes all manner of spectres; even the green ones, so perhaps you might like to try that.

I’m sorry, I’m afraid I’m only as good as my information, and at the moment my information has suffered a very red haemorrhage and I JUST CAN’T FORGIVE IT. I’d just make sure your dissertation is as thorough in analysis as possible; don’t leave any avenues uncleaned; it makes your research look ‘holey’.

In fact, make sure you’ve written it, and make sure you’ve printed it out. Don’t make any mistakes, and don’t make any obvious ones at that. Of course, this advice is useless to you now, but that’s OK, because it’s helpful to me and I don’t know what a Brontë sister is anyway.

What are you? A Mathematics student?

In terms of lecturers, well, lecturers like to feel like academics, of course, so just call them solely by the title of their most prolific book. That way they’ll know you know that they know and so everyone will know that NO, YOU’RE GETTING A FIRST. And they’ll like your face. And lick it. Unless they’ve got AIDS maybe.

Cheers, thanks, bye.

Matt.

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: “Our housemate is a Richard Cranium.”

Dear Dr,

We have a friend, but I won’t tell you his name because I don’t think he’d take too kindly to my writing in.

Once they were all dead Jon went for a poo in some undergrowth, and then a dinosaur turned up, but wasn’t nasty. He led them to a clearing...

...and to what closely resembled the remains of a human. Loyd and Jon feared the worst: was it really Phil?

Or just some other guy?

Continues Next Week

Anyway, he’s started to worry us because every time we go out for a good time he usually drinks far too much and starts getting violent with people for no reason.

It’s a little upsetting, all they have to do is nudge him or look at him or accidently knock into his drink and he flies off at them in a rage, and although he rarely hits them he’s still going to try every time.

Other times he burns people with his cigarettes for a laugh and if they get annoyed he just squares up to them or sulks, and then has a go at them outside the club when they haven’t got their buddies around to help.

Usually because most of the time they’re just polite, decent people, they ignore it and walk away, but what if he bites off more than he can fight with? He might pick on the wrong kinda guy and get the shit kicked out of him, and although he probably deserves it for his disgusting behaviour we obviously don’t want to see that happen. Is there anything we can do to make him calm down?

Perhaps he just needs a kicking, eh?

Yours honestly yet anonymously, About four 3rd years.

Perhaps he does need a kicking; I’m largely indifferent.

All I can offer is that if we didn’t have these kind of people tramping about then we’d not have anything to redeem our beautiful manners against. It’s like the ‘chav’ thing.

Apart from the fact that ‘chav’ and all of its derivatives are shit words - and I mean, shite words - the entire ethos of being ‘anti-chav’ is ridiculous.

You all fucking moan about ‘chavs’ calling you names, and although yes, some people are quite literally horrible and yes, unprovoked attacks do happen, but you know, if you didn’t dress like a twat they’d probably leave you alone.

But no, you have to find your ‘tribe’ and buy in to all those desirable images and then say you’re oppressed. I’ve never heard so many hypocritical stances: “I vote Lib Dem yet in the right social circumstance I tell people how I HATE the working-classes and I hate the smelly buggers on Trisha and I pretend I’m a big lefty but really I’m

just another middle-class Tory snob and I’m completely racist and bigote”,’ or “I don’t drive because it pollutes the atmosphere yet I still enjoy smoking drugs every day.” I say look to leisure time; look what unstructured spare time has done to us. If we’re not metroing-it-up we’re fighting each other or being bisexual or smoking and complaining about conglomerates and advertising.

Essentially you’ve got this guy who might have problems with his penis or who might have lost a parent figure and now has to find an identity in being an antagonistic little todger.

But you can take heart in that; you can take the moral high-ground and watch as he burns himself out buying into all these little lifestyle choices, eating all the wrong foods and drinking all the ‘right’ beers.

He smokes so he’ll probably get cancer of the face anyway, and that will be HIS fault, and then he’ll moan that all the oppressive dirty companies made it so, and then he’ll campaign and then buy their coffee, and he’ll become a little microcosm of all the wrongdoings of our ‘Brave New World,’ Hate that shit, me.

And you can just laugh.

Matt

You would think that after having some birthdays, growing some pubes (and indeed realising that you can shear them all off again, safe in the knowledge that they’ll grow back), learning how to drink, touch boobies and swear creatively, I’d stop being scared silly by things. You would think that because I just told you. Well: I was lying. I’m fucking terrified of seagulls. I can’t handle the way they fly; I can’t handle the way their eyes look at things; their shape precluding any intervention from harder, fatter and bigger birds. I hate the way they plod about, eating chips and worms and the bread that the FAT gentleman over there just threw AT THE DISABLED PERSON. They are just disgusting, and they always shit, and they look at me funny and they don’t die when you set them on fire or shoot them with mini-paintball guns from the Gadget Shop (five pounds, get a few bags of balls though).

If you are reading this, you have probably seen one. I can’t blame you; they are quite pervasive.

Obviously if you are blind then you can’t be offended by my asserting that you’ve probably seen one, because a) I’m not writing in Braille and b) you can’t see what I just wrote about you anyway. In fact, I want to be translated into Braille. I’d tell you so much more in Braille. I’d make you little penis shaped Braille patterns and you would laugh but then remember you’re blind so really it’s not that great, is it? You might of course be blind because a seagull ate your eyes, in which case you might remember that they’re vulgar little creatures, and that just before they gobbled your vision they looked like floating Exocet missiles with wings and are entirely reprehensible and are entirely ghastly and probably started the whole Falklands disagreement in the first place. Seagulls?

Fucking… BLEURGH. That’s right, where’s that bicarbonate of soda kept?

What’s that now? Fucking kill you as well, you nobbing RSPB BASTARDS!!!

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Mer, mer mer?

0800-MERMERMER MER! Mer Mer? 0800-MERRRRRRRRR Mermermermer!!!!

0800-YES Mer, mer mer mer? Mer! 0800-MERMERMERMER Fuck off

Recommended

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S G N I T LIS

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Girls Aloud

gair rhydd’s very nearly reliable Cardiff listings If it’s on it could be in. But maybe Pick e of th k Wee

@C.I.A

BBC National Orchestra of Wales @St. David’s Hall

Fri 6th May

Sun 8th May

7.30pm / £6 NUS

7.30pm / £21

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Muddiman Recommends

’m going to St. David’s Hall on Friday and you can too if you like. The BBC National Orchestra of Wales, under the baton of Richard Hickox, play three wonderful pieces for your delight and entertainment.

And what are these three masterworks? Well, I’ll tell you…

The by-line for the concert reads ‘Nobility, Energy, Tragedy’ and Beethoven’s Piano Concerto Number 5, dubbed the ‘Emperor’ concerto, fills the first slot nicely.

Composed in 1809, the concerto was born during Napoleon’s assault on Vienna. The grandeur of the music reflects the mood of what has become known as Beethoven’s heroic decade.

In contrast, ‘Tragedy’ is represented by Schubert’s Unfinished

Ball Of Fire!

@Cafe Jazz

Wed 4th May 8.45pm / £3,£2nus Schmit Recommends

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ever mind what the neighbours will say, because I’m sure that at some point you (well the guys out there anyway) will have been in a pub with a group of friends and had the drunken discussion of which one is the fittest. Am I right?

I mean you could look (‘look’ being the key word here) at Girls Aloud and no doubt point out that their music’s a bit trashy. That they probably mime. That they are the result of yet another reality ‘make me famous and rich ASAP for a year before it gets too much and I hit the bottle every night and become a fat mess’ TV show.

Come to think of it, does anyone still remember Michelle McManus,

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or G-Gareth Gates. At least Girls Aloud can say they’ve had a good shot at the rich and famous lifestyle. Despite rumours last year that they were earning something like £40 a day. My arse.

You may be reading this and thinking to yourself, ‘What is he doing? In a week in which Cardiff plays host to artists like Queen, Killer Tomato, Tom Vek and Little Richard, he’s recommending to us Girls Aloud?!’

Well you know what? I am. Of all of the tedious reality TV show winners, Girls Aloud are surely the nation’s favourite. They’re all decent singers and having a ‘decent’ voice in the pop industry at present is actually quite a rarity.

And of course they are all quite hot as well.

Lets face it, that’s the reason an

awful lot of us will want to go, because at £21 a ticket, you’ll probably get to see more for your money than at The Fantasy Lounge.

Instead of paying £20 for a girl (so someone has told me anyway) here you get to see all five of Girls Aloud, and no matter which one you decided was the hottest in that drunken pub discussion, and which one your mate did, you’ll both be happy.

Schmit also takes this opportunity to encourage everyone to go and see ‘comic at large’ Jack Dee at the weekend in St. David’s Hall. That’s the man who brought you such one liners as, ‘The film industry is like Anne Robinson - always on the look-out for a new face.’

Jack’s good, but I’d rather see a picture of Girls Aloud in the paper.

Enjoy.

Sefton Recommends

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afé Jazz (St. Mary Street) gets high on the happy rhythms of Jamaica this Wednesday with a one-off gig by a collection of some of the finest jazz musicians in Cardiff.

Ball Of Fire! is led by saxophonist Nick Briggs, a recent music graduate of Cardiff University.

Nick has assembled a phenomenal band to play an evening’s worth of jazz-infused ska and reggae in an explosive combination of Caribbean rhythms and jazz improvisation.

The group features some of Cardiff’s most exciting musicians, including a few members of the legendary local big band,

Symphony. It was at once believed that Schubert died before he could complete the symphony: the work tragically cut short by fate.

In the 1930s, musicologist Arnold Schering suggested that the two-movement symphony was complete in itself, fancifully linking the musical journey with the events of an allegorical and semiautobiographical tale, The Dream, that Schubert wrote the same year.

Then there is the theory that Schubert did finish the symphony, but that the second half was lost – perhaps used for kindling, as happened with one of his operas.

The most likely scenario is the least Romantic: Schubert simply reached a point where he could take the musical ideas no further and so abandoned the work to move on to other projects.

Maybe not so tragic after all.

The Unfinished Symphony is still a hugely popular work; Tom Cruise even enjoyed it in Minority Report.

‘Energy’ sums up Tippett’s Concerto for double string orchestra which, as the title suggests, contrasts two string orchestras producing a syncopated rhythmic battle. It fizzes with acidic string chords and a galvanising pace.

This really is an extraordinarily varied programme. With a concerto, half a symphony and a double concerto – you do the maths.

Wonderbrass.

Nick Briggs is joined in the front-line horn section by Marcin Wright (saxes), Matt Price (trumpet), and Gareth Roberts (trombone). Pablo Roberts and Steve Roberts provide bass and drums respectively, whilst the man known simply as Keyo does the ska-hop honours on guitar.

The relationship between jazz and Caribbean sounds has long been a fruitful one in Britain. Joe Harriott, a Caribbean immigrant was amongst the most influential and groundbreaking jazz musicians in the UK (and Europe in fact) during the 50s and 60s and incorporated sounds from his homelands into his music.

More recently the UK big band Jazz Jamaica All Stars have shown that jazz and reggae make exhilarating bed-fellows, with critically applauded recordings and live shows.

It is the Jazz Jamaica All Stars model to which Ball Of Fire! lean and expectations are high for a night at which available floor-space for dancing will no doubt be at a premium.

The night is being put on by Cardiff Student Jazz Society in what it turns out will be their last event of the academic year.

Kings of Leon - Sat 2 July @ CIA ... Tom Jones - Sat 28 May @Ynysangharad Park, Pontypridd ... World of Fun: Harlem Globetrotters - Tues 10 May @CIA … Martin Carthy, Norma Waterson, and Eliza Carthy - Wed 18 May @St David’s Hall - 8.00pm / £12 … Elvis Costello & The Imposters - Sun 22 May @St. David’s Hall - 8.00pm / £28.50 … Mark Knopfler - Tue 24 May @CIA ... The Louis Stewart / Gilad Atzmon Quintet - Tue 24 May @St. David’s Hall - 8pm / £10 Elton John - Tues 14 June @ CIA ... Keith Barret Show Live - Sun 17 July @ CIA ... REM & The Zutons - Sun 10th July @ Millennium Stadium

“What a day to produce our best performance of the season.”

Spor t gair rhydd

Issue 785 2 May 2005 | Email: sport@gairrhydd.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

Fergus Houlden, Law A captain, April 2005

Mixed Fortunes

Medics Triumph

Varsity Shield retained but rugby game ends in defeat

Medics rugby team win national final again

Pages 37, 38, 39

Below

CHAMPIONS IMG FINAL: Below

Law A 5-0 Engin A

PHOTOS: Thom Airs

By Thom Airs Sports Editor THE IMG TROPHY is yet again in the hands of Law A, as they retained their title against Engin A with a lesson in clinical finishing.

The conclusion to the IMG season was played out like a Wembley cup final: Engin, decked out in shirts and ties, arrived early to inspect the pitch and soak up the atmosphere, while Law’s vociferous support ratcheted up the tension.

As the game settled down in warm Spring sunshine, Engin’s defence froze. A corner on 25 minutes caused chaos in the

engineers’ defence and Rob Standish, aided by a healthy deflection, fired the ball into the corner of the net from 18 yards.

It was a goal that did little to alter the outlook of both teams, as Engin plugged away with their trademark long throws and Law’s pacy trio of Fergus Houlden, Rob Price and John Sparrowhawk continued to test the Engin defence.

With most onlookers expecting a tight game – following the teams’ previous stalemate in the premiership – Law’s second goal came somewhat as a surprise. Rob Price’s excellent sliding tackle on the edge of the Engin area released Frank Nally to finish powerfully from 12 yards.

Five minutes before the break, it was 30 as Engin’s normally watertight defence crumbled. A weak clearing header by Sam Tilley fell into the path of Fergus Houlden who smashed home a sweet half volley to send his team into half-time with a dream lead.

The second half could not quite live up to the drama of the first, as a shellshocked Engin team battled to assert themselves in the game. However, Law simply wouldn’t let their opponents settle, with DJ and Toby Pear expertly marshalling Engin’s uninspired attackers.

At the other end, Houlden could, and perhaps should, have collected a hat-trick, had

the Engin goal been five feet higher. As the half ticked on, these missed chances were proving academic. Both sides knew who was going to be 2005 IMG champions, and Law’s confident swagger contrasted starkly with Engin’s stuttering long-ball approach.

Law added two more goals in the final 10 minutes, a second well-taken goal for Rob Standish and a back post header for Toby Pear. As the final whistle blew, Law’s large squad and ranks of supporters surged onto the pitch to celebrate another successful season for the lawyers. Captain Fergus Houlden beamed: “What a day to bring out our best performance of the season.”

Medics administer lethal dose Sheffield suffer as Cardiff Medics take national title for second year running

By Hugh Gripper Medics Rugby Correspondent CARDIFF MEDICS showed their rugby pedigree once again by retaining the National Association of Medical Schools’ Cup after a 55-0 win over Sheffield Medics.

It seemed that the Medics’ frustration at not making the knockout of BUSA to defend the Shield they won last year was unleashed on a Sheffield side who battled hard throughout but could not match Cardiff’s pace and power.

The early exchanges were fiercely contested but it was not long before Cardiff started to dominate and silence the home crowd.

Sustained pressure eventually saw Paul Gittins slice through the Sheffield

midfield to release Ben Turner who finished under the posts. It was not long before Cardiff scored again with great interplay down the left touchline resulting in a try for Gereint Williams. When quick thinking from Chris Jones at a tap penalty saw Adam Cox release man of the match Matt Jefferies for another, the writing looked on the wall for Sheffield.

Sheffield rallied just before half-time and it was only a superb cover tackle from Pete Cumpstone that prevented a certain score.

Early in the second half, Iwan Harries scored a brave charge-down try when it looked like Sheffield had managed to weather an early Cardiff storm. Their advantage was further enhanced as a box kick bounced kindly for the chasing Cardiff forwards to play Cumpstone in

for a try in the corner.

With the game secured, the Medics rang the changes and things went from bad to worse for Sheffield as Turner picked up a further two tries to complete a deserved hat-trick, and when Rhidian Jones eventually let go a wide pass to set up Baz Nagrani, the victory was complete.

Delighted Medics coach Huw Davies said: “It was a great end to the season, playing some outstanding rugby. I’m extremely proud of the fact that Cardiff Medics have not lost a single game to any medical school side in Great Britain in over seven years now.”

It was an achievement that helped put the disappointments of BUSA and not having a fixture against old rivals Cardiff University behind the Medics.

TURNING POINT: Law’s Fergus Houlden twists away from an Engin defender

Varsity Shield

May 2 2005

Page 37

sport@gairrhydd.com

Jones sinks Jacks Cardiff women’s AFC 4-0 Swansea women’s AFC

By Thom Airs Sports Editor IT’S NEVER EASY being a goalkeeper, unless you’re Cardiff’s Sarah Newbury, who could have written a dissertation and undertaken a mountain of revision during her side’s crushing 4-0 win against Swansea, such was the lack of incident around her goalmouth.

In a game that doubled as both a Varsity game and a Welsh Cup semi-final, Cardiff were in a bullish mood.

Their midfield, guided by the

bombarding the Jacks’ defence with the pace of Aileen Griffith and the flare of Alex Joanides.

To their credit, Swansea were more resolute in the second period, thanks largely to the ability of their goalkeeper. But another goal was always likely, and super-sub Clare Buntin outpaced her marker with five minutes to go and coolly planted the ball in the back of the net from 12 yards.

This was a display of consummate professionalism from Cardiff, who can now look forward to the chance of Welsh Cup glory.

Lampard-esque drive of Emma Jones, ran rings around a lacklustre Swansea team, allowing Cardiff ’s strikers to reap the benefits.

Jones’s passes ripped apart the Swansea defence as Joanides, Noll and Jones herself collected simple first-half goals.

Adroit, defending from Kelly Turl and Micki Burdus, allowed Cardiff to utilise their pace advantage on quick counter attacks and by half-time the game was effectively over.

The second half continued much like the first, with Cardiff

SWANS LEAK 9

By Ed Jones Hockey Correspondent CARDIFF’S FIRST team crushed the visitors 9-1 in this year’s Varsity game. Matthew Jenks, Paul Hayes and Alex Jones each scored a brace, with the other goals from Duncan Courtney and Will Marshall.

Swansea started the game brightly, earning an early short corner and forcing a dazzling save from goalkeeper Ian Ferguson. However, it was Cardiff who opened the scoring, as Will Marshall struck home from close range following a swift attack down the right flank.

The boisterous

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

Ravenscroft earns draw Men’s football team come from behind to draw with Swansea in Varsity battle

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S PR Officer elect, Toan Ravenscroft, slid in a second-half goal to give his side a share of the spoils in a fiery Varsity tie at Llanrumney.

The move that created the goal was the highlight of a scrappy game played on a poor surface, and the strong wind further complicated matters. Ravenscroft scored seconds after the interval following a speedy break down the right by Mark Lucas. The striker’s whipped-in cross was met by Ravenscroft who was able to slide the ball past outstretched Swansea ‘keeper John Chorley to make it 1-1.

Both teams started brightly and had chances in the first few minutes.

Simon Yates, Cardiff left-back and

captain, threw in a decent cross from the flank but the chance was not converted. Likewise, the Swans sent a number of crosses into the box but Cardiff ’s big centre-halves were equal to the task. The breakthrough for Swansea came after a quarter of an hour when Cardiff failed to clear their lines and Tom Hopper smashed in from close range.

Yet the goal was the only excitement in a patchy first half. Mark Lucas, Cardiff ’s lone striker, got little service and had to feed off long, hopeful balls, made even more difficult with the swirling wind. It was just as tricky playing balls on the floor with such an uneven surface, so neither team created too many chances and the goalkeepers remained untested.

The referee did well to keep a lid

on tempers in a much livelier second half. Swansea have a big, physical team and the cries of “smash him up” from their centre back Craig Hanford threatened to set a nasty tone. Two yellow cards for Swansea players who showed dissent to the referee seemed to settle things down. Cardiff were not sucked into such trivial squabbles and played much more positive football in the second half.

Cardiff ’s five midfielders passed to feet and moved well, creating more opportunities to exploit gaps in the Swansea defence. Both teams had chances to wrap up the game.

Swansea came close with a wellstruck free kick, while Cardiff ’s best chance to win the game fell to Lucas with 10 minutes to play, but was skied. In the end, though, a draw was probably the fairest result.

Man of the Match: Simon Yates – got forward and crossed well when he got the chance, but never shirked his defensive responsibilities. A true captain’s performance.

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

By Gareth Evans Football Correspondent

JOINT HONOURS: Cardiff’s Benny Thomas under pressure

PHOTO: Nick Parnell Swansea followers were then silenced by a terrific Cardiff second, as Courtney drag-flicked imperiously into the roof of the net from a short corner.

Swansea’s hopes were soon revived.

A fluent Cardiff attack broke down and Swansea clawed a goal back on the break.

Cardiff soon struck again. Hayes, magnificent throughout, danced past two defenders before sliding a terrific ball across the face of goal for Jenks to finish from close in. Cardiff needed more fine saves from Ferguson to preserve their lead but their superior class soon began to tell.

Just before the close, Matt Jenks evaded two defenders and the ‘keeper, bagging his second and making the final tally a glorious nine.

Wheeler deals killer blow

By Ed Jones Hockey Correspondent

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

SIDE SWIPE: Cardiff score one of eight goals against Swansea

CARDIFF LADIES’ FIRST XI were at their eye-catching best as they destroyed Swansea 8-1. Donna McCormick bagged a brace, as did Becki Wheeler, who was outstanding in midfield. The others came from Sarah Dunn, Katherine Boot, Sophie Blair and Philly Cox. From the whistle, Cardiff were utterly dominant, outclassing and outpacing their rivals. Wheeler’s fine run and strike against the post was immediately bettered by Dunn, who rounded three defenders before slotting home to open the scoring.

Swansea were already six behind before they found the net. A good ball into the D followed a skilled Swansea move down the right-hand side. Rhian Evans did fantastically to save the first strike on goal, diving at full stretch to her right, before the Swansea attacker lifted the rebound into the net.

Cardiff’s dynamic attacks tore through the lacklustre Swansea defence, who were let down by some clumsy goalkeeping. Cox claimed the final goal with a relatively tame push towards goal that should have been dealt with. Nonetheless, Cardiff will rightly be overjoyed with their performance.

Sport

Page 38

May 2 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

The day Cardiff’s

By Tim Lewis at the Brewery Field

TRIUMPHANT: Swansea celebrate victory

game moving towards half-time. A strong, well-organised defence allowed Swansea no time to build any long periods of possession. At halftime, both sides would have felt that the game was there to be won and there was very little to choose between the teams.

Swansea came out in the second half intent on regaining the lead, quick ball through the backs started to stretch the Cardiff defence, resulting in a Swansea penalty as Cardiff were caught offside trying to cope with the constant waves of Swansea attacks.

But, again, Swansea forced the kick wide of the post and Cardiff kept a two-point lead. Cardiff flanker Tom Hocking was outstanding throughout the game, his ability to reach virtually every ruck first put real pressure on Swansea. Tom Eastham missed a longrange penalty before extending Cardiff ’s lead with a slightly easier

BRAWL: Referee manages to maintain calm in the heat of battle

PHOTOS: Nick Parnell

S

wansea captain Jack Dawson’s prediction that this game would be won by no more than 10 points proved prophetic as his team overturned a Cardiff lead to win inside the last 10 minutes.

Swansea dominated the early exchanges and fly-half Richard Watkins missed an early kick from just outside the twenty-two as Swansea began to put pressure on Cardiff. It wasn’t long before Swansea made use of all their possession with a penalty from straight in front of the posts to take the lead 3-0.

A good break by Cardiff winger Jon Walder down the touchline, supported by full back Matt Hopper, finally got Cardiff into Swansea’s half as they looked to get back into the game.

Cardiff showed their intent to play attacking rugby by kicking their first penalty into touch instead of going for the three points. From the resulting line-out, misplaced passes allowed Swansea to clear their lines and put Cardiff back into their own half. A strong line-out from Swansea gave them a good platform from which to get their backs involved in the game.

Cardiff centre Simon Rosser stopped his opposite number in his tracks with a high tackle to give Swansea an excellent opportunity which outsidehalf Richard Watkins failed to capitalise on, kicking the resulting penalty wide of the posts.

Heavy rain made handling difficult and the game became dominated by the forwards. Cardiff worked well as a pack, putting together some quality phase rugby and making slow progress into the Swansea twenty-two. This good work was almost undone when Swansea winger James Wheeler stole the ball and ran 30 yards unopposed until he was stopped by a crunching tackle from Cardiff prop Brad Raison.

With Cardiff pushing forward, Swansea started to make mistakes, giving away a penalty for offside. This was taken quickly by Cardiff outsidehalf Chris Baxter, who was cut down by a dangerous high tackle from a Swansea second row. The Swansea forward received 10 minutes in the sin-bin and Cardiff looked to capitalise on the numerical advantage by opting for the line-out. Swansea turned it over and cleared their lines but it wasn’t long before Cardiff gained another penalty, again for offside in midfield from the Swansea defence. Again, captain Griffith elected to go for the line-out instead of the three points, a decision that proved costly as the game continued and Swansea managed to steal the ball on their own line.

Cardiff pressed hard to make the extra man count and were rewarded with a try when classy centre Lawrence Price rounded off some good interplay between the backs to race over from 20 yards. Scrum-half Tom Eastham failed to kick the difficult conversion to extend the two-point lead. As conditions got worse, Cardiff began to look the better side with the

Sport

May 2 2005

Page 39

sport@gairrhydd.com

Varsity dream died penalty from the middle of the pitch to give Cardiff an 8-3 lead.

Instead of building on this lead, Cardiff allowed Swansea straight back into the game with a penalty to cut the lead down to two points.

Swansea scrum-half Rhodri Wells started to pull the strings behind his dominant forwards and Swansea looked the more likely to score.

Cardiff defended superbly for long periods of the second half without being allowed to play any expansive rugby. Swansea were confined to a slow, patient approach that eventually brought them a penalty with only

five minutes left on the clock. Fullback Nick Jones kept his cool to slot over from 35 yards to put Swansea ahead 9-8.

As Cardiff pressed hard to get something from the game in the dying minutes, a chip from Swansea scrumhalf Rhodri Wells was fumbled amidst the greasy conditions by the Cardiff winger Simon Westwood. The Swansea winger pounced on the loose ball to kick ahead and dive on the ball to end any hopes of a Cardiff comeback.

Nick Jones converted the try to seal a 16-8 victory for Swansea.

By Matt Ramsden Varsity Correspondent HAVING HELD OUT such high hopes of becoming only the second Cardiff captain to lift the Varsity trophy, Owain Griffith admitted he was ‘gutted’ at his side’s defeat.

However, the Cardiff skipper was full of praise for his side, and attributed the defeat to Swansea’s second half improvement and utilisation of ‘boring’ rugby, rather than his team’s own shortcomings: “Overall, I think we were the better team. We gave 100% and can definitely hold our heads high as we didn’t let ourselves down.”

Griffith was quick to refute criticisms that his side were tactically naïve in going for three line-outs at times when a penalty kick could have resulted in more points being put on the board: “Their forward being sent off made us want to try and capitalise with driving line-outs.

However, I felt the conditions were unhelpful as they played into Swansea’s hands. They played through their pack, which was bigger than ours, and the slippery conditions made it difficult for us to switch the ball to our backs, which is how we like to play.”

Griffith felt that this was one of

many factors that went against Cardiff, making it almost impossible for his side to prevail. “On Saturday, we had a player pull out of the squad due to a broken hand, and Ian Carter tore his ankle ligaments in the second half, which didn’t help,” he said.

However, it is the injury to John Davies that might shock many fans who were at the game: “John sustained a suspected broken leg in the first tackle of the game and played on to half-time with the injury. He had to be plied with morphine at half-time. This shows how committed the boys were to our cause - we desperately wanted the win.”

Griffith picked out scrum-half Nick Scholes and back Lawrence Price as two players who had good games, but was adamant that the whole side deserved huge praise: “I think the crowd recognised how well we played, particularly in the first half - the Swansea fans were virtually silent. The big crowd just makes you raise your game even higher.”

So what about the future? “I can’t wait for another crack at Swansea, to be honest,” Griffith retorts with a wry grin. “I want to prove that we’re better than them, and I know we will be.”

DEFEATED: Players console each other at the final whistle

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

Griffith pain after defeat by ‘boring’ Swansea

Ladies’ victory marred by pitch fiasco

By Sarah Bellingham Rugby Correspondent CARDIFF’S LADIES’ rugby team secured an emphatic 70-0 Varsity victory, despite being furious at having to play their showpiece fixture at Pontcanna, rather than the more glamorous Brewery Field.

The match promised to be the biggest of the players’ lives and was billed by the Athletic Union as a curtain-raiser to the men’s match but was re-scheduled on Tuesday after talks between the AU and Bridgend RFC. Poor weather conditions have been cited as the reason for the game’s venue change but the news that the

men’s rugby team trained at the ground on Monday evening compounded the women’s anger at their treatment.

Cardiff ’s Norwegian international Mari Ropstad said: “They’ve been telling us we can play there for ages and now it just seems like people are taking the piss. The fact that the men’s team trained there the day before our game was moved just rubs it in even more.”

She continued: “They’re just making excuses. We wouldn’t have made a mess of the pitch – lots of our games this season have had uncontested scrums, as did this one, so it would have been fine.

“It shows that the AU haven’t made

us a priority despite the fact that we’re doing really well.

“Men’s rugby get too much attention and too many resources are going into helping them and not others.”

AU Vice-President Fraser Watson said: “We decided we were unable to risk a game being on prior to the men’s match. It would have affected the main event.”

The controversy overshadowed a match that started excellently for Cardiff as they used line-outs to gain possession of the ball and the first try was scored by full-back Phillipa Tuttiett. The tackling in the backs was impressive, with centre Ruth Osborne making several vital hits, ensuring

Swansea failed to make any ground.

One area where Cardiff failed to impress was in the scrum. Due to an inexperienced front row, the pack wasn’t as strong as usual but, despite this, Cardiff still managed to maintain the majority of the possession in the first half.

A flurry of tries from winger Zoe Prytherch, who scored an impressive hat-trick, and fly-half Mari Ropstad, who scored two tries and five conversions, saw Cardiff ease into a comfortable lead.

The second half mirrored the first in terms of Cardiff’s domination and saw some excellent mauling from the forwards. Hooker Beth Kenure scored

an impressive try, peeling away from the pack at the last moment to dive over the line. Props Jess Bain and Laura Gibbs, who was later named player of the match, also scored tries, making it a front-row hat-trick.

Winger Eva Hennig was brought onto the pitch in the latter part of the second half, but still managed to score her first try for Cardiff, topping off the home team’s victory.

Captain Marina Newth was overjoyed with the result: “It’s been a fantastic result for us as Varsity is such an important event. I was proud of all of the girls and look forward to continuing our success in the Welsh Cup final next week.”

Spor t TAKEN DOWN gair rhydd

INSIDE: Varsity Shield coverage ■ Hockey ■ Football ■ Rugby

PLUS: Full report from the IMGA football

PHOTOS: Nick Parnell

final between Law A and Engin

GOING DOWN: Cardiff’s Lawrence Price is floored by a Swansea back

By Tim Lewis at the Brewery Field THE GLORY OF winning the Varsity Shield will be of little comfort to Cardiff’s rugby side following their narrow loss to bitter rivals Swansea.

In his pre-match notes, former captain James Cole described it as the ‘game that will make or break the season for both teams’.

Swansea certainly had a point to prove after coming into the game on the back of eight consecutive BUSA defeats and their

worst season for many years.

Cardiff, who secured their Premier League status on the last day of the season, had been hopeful that this game could provide a positive end to the season in what could be coach Adrian Evans’ final Varsity, if reports that his contract will not be renewed are to be believed.

Swansea’s relegation from the league above led Cole to suggest that the gulf in class seen in last year’s game was no longer an issue. He declared: “Swansea no longer pose a step-up in class for the men in black.”

Such an optimistic claim proved unfounded as Cardiff crumbled in the final minutes to lose the Varsity challenge yet again.

Swansea proved able to raise their game when it really mattered. Cardiff captain Owain Griffith admitted that his side had made mistakes: “I think if I’m honest, we didn’t keep the ball as much as we should, and sometimes lost it cheaply.”

Full analysis and pictures on Pages 38 and 39 CROWNING GLORY: A Swansea player holds aloft the Varsity trophy

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May 2 2005

Day By Day

Page 35

listings@gairrhydd.com

with Muddiman, Sefton and Schmit. not. I blame the editor.

Monday02/05

Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. New music. New ideas. New noise. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! It’s all happening now at Moloko on a Monday. Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul & disco with Gareth Davies & Mr Potter. 7-11pm. £1 NUS. Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff and Rowan. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing and singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm. £2/£ if you perform.

Tuesday03/05

Comedy Club @Seren Las, SU Come on, it’s got to be better than Eastenders. 8-11pm. £4 NUS. Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm-2am. Free.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50.

Open Mic @The Toucan There’s a mic. It’s open.

Wednesday04/05

Rubber Duck @Solus, SU Probably a little calmer than last week’s Varsity aftermath. Rumour is a sly discount exists for those with webbed feet.

Wednesday Social @The Barfly Relax, soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set. 12noon-2:30pm.

Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors.

This is the overspill. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Cheapskates @Metros Alternative & cheese. 9pm-2am.

All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco. Popscene: indie. Milky Bar: electric chill out and Playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 NUS. Wednesdays @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Bread and Butter @The Toucan Night of hip hop and new beats. 10pm. £2.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm. Free.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.

8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS.

Thursday05/05 Pick Of The Day General Election @Britain Featuring countless power-hungry lying swine, the occasional sincere and uncorrupted candidate, and you the beleaguered but persevering voter charged with the task of telling one from the other. At booths all over Cardiff.

Live @Barfly Pondlife MCs / Blud Kunnektion / DJ Killer Tomato. 7.30pm. £4.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Forecast Presents...Weird War / Gin Palace / King Alexander / Monkey Tennis DJs. 8pm £7 adv.

Live @Barfly Amy Smith / Halflight / Christopher Holloway / Alan Entwistle. Amy Smith, a 24-year-old Liverpudlian singer-songwriter is fresh back from shows in New York, LA and showcases at South By Southwest music festival. She is set to release her first EP on her own label, which sits nicely between Joni Mitchell, Bob Dylan and Carole King. 7pm. £5 adv.

Live @Toucan Club The International Karate Plus, The Vanities, Luxembourg, Nebraska 8pm £4-5 Salsa @Callaghans Learn salsa. Free.

Live @Barfly Tom Vek / Clor / The Kabuki Mono. 23-year-old Londoner Tom Vek is a multi-instrumentalist and incisive lyricist; at home with equally raw, but wildly differing aesthetics. The songs buzz with a raw garage rock energy, driven along by subtle electronic touches and a backbone of rigid, angular funk. 7.30pm £6 adv.

Dolan Jones @Riverbank Hotel Talented trumpeter in the Chet Baker mould brings a jazz group to the Riverbank hotel with a repertoire of straight ahead jazz classics.

Devious @Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Metal @Metros Er... metal. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop / drum ‘n’ bass night. and as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late.

8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul / hippy funk with The Pockets.

8pm-1am. £3/£2.

Live @The Barfly 3 Inches Of Blood / Trivium / Still Remains. The Roadrunner tour returns so I’m sure there will be fluffy kittens and frolicking in fields of flowers here. You've heard the genres ad nauseum: "nu-metal", "hair-metal", "emo", "screamo", "post-hardcore", "metal-core", and on, and on.

Are you an angry child? Then this is for you. 3 Inches Of Blood tread on the bleached bones of those exhausted genres as a band to unite the tribes of mall rats, skaters, punks and bikers under one banner. Because, after years of a steady de-evolution of the founding tenets of heavy music, to today's ears, 3 Inches Of Blood could not be more fresh. 7 pm. £7 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Akira The Don / Reigns. ‘Vote Boobytrap’, an Election Day Special featuring Akira The Don / Reigns / The Early Years / DJ Dr Kiko. 8pm. £5.

Live @Liquid Kano / S’up dog. For once Eastenders may be the better option. For tickets or further information, please contact the venue directly.

Friday06/05

Saturday07/05

Sunday08/05

Venues

Pick Of The Day Little Richard @St. David’s Hall One of the most ostentatious and peculiar performers of the 20th Century, who has, fairly quietly, soldiered on into the 21st. His better-known material epitomises the joy and exuberance of early rock and roll.

7.30pm. £30 / £40.

Quality Control @Taf, Sudents’ Union Hosted by top-notch DJ Killer Tomato, featuring local guest DJs spinning hip hop, funk, breaks and drum ‘n’ bass. 9pm-2am. Free.

Fat Friday @Solus, SU It’s a revamped Lashtastic. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Downstairs: is reputedly ‘weird disco’. 10pm. £7 - joint price with below.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Meanwhile upstairs: Culprit One / Lady Sovereign. Forecast and First Friday join up to host one humdinger of a party. Wales' answer to Mylo, Culprit One, plays live alongside fellow headliner and London's finest young export, Lady Sovereign. 10pm. £7 - joint price with above.

Mad4It! @Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors, etc, etc. Yawn. 10.30pm - 2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Live @Barfly My Red Cell / Dogs / Dirty Perfect. My Red Cell are back to remind Cardiff of their buzzsaw sound. 7.30pm. £5 adv.

Pick Of The Day @St. David’s Hall See facing page for details.

Heavy Quartet @Riverbank Hotel In truth the Heavy ‘Quartet’ are near a dozen in number; a funky large ensemble that has its jazz fingers in many genre-crossing pies.

Ska, funk and rock all spill into the Heavy Quartet’ melting pot to great effect. An ideal night for the uninitiaited to try out the super hospitable Riverbank. 9pm. £4 / £3 NUS.

Pick Of The Day The Jessica Fletchers @Clwb Ifor Bach The Jessica Fletchers sound like The Kinks, The Beach Boys and The Zombies after being put into a food blender and mixed with added Norwegian cool to top it off. This will be the band's only UK date.

Whilst I’m wary of causing panic I feel I must warn readers that everywhere Jessica Fletcher goes, people die. Please take care. They play with support from every narcoleptic’s favourite band, War Against Sleep. 8pm. £5.

Pick Of The Day Cardiff Student Media Awards @Hilton Hotel A night of indulgence for gair rhydd, Xpress Radio, the Film Society and the Photography Society. Black tie, threecourse meal, awards, and after-party. We’ll be there picking up the award for best paper section. Oh yes, it’s in the bag!

(Watch this space for a grovelling climbdown in a couple of weeks time). 7.30pm. £28. Tickets available from Union box office.

Come Play @Solus Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop, breaks, in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul, funk, and Latin in the Xpress Lounge.

Sweets and stuff. 10pm-2am. £3.50 adv.

Fly Swatter @Barfly A clubnight about which I know precisely nothing. It is in Barfly though so I’ll hazard a guess that rock and indie may be involved at some point. 10.30pm. £3 NUS Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm / £4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Live Saturday @Incognito Swiss & pals from the house circuit of Wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool House, Escape. Until 2am.

Mind Your Head @Toucan Captain Paranoid & guest MCs. Free B4 10pm / £3.50 after.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Skep / Cofi Bach / Tew Shady. Tonight was supposed to be Skep's E.P. launch, but the E.P.'s turned into an album and is far from being ready. However, they will be performing songs from the new album, the follow up to 'Ctrl-S'. 9pm. £5.

Jack Dee @St. David’s Hall The man is a legend. See Sunday’s pick of the day for further unnecessary rambling on the issue. 7.30pm. From £20.50 NUS

Pick Of The Day Ball Of Fire! @Cafe Jazz See facing page for details.

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU Questions.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs bring you house. 8pm-12.30am No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3's and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Acoustic Cafe @Toucan Bar Open mic sessions where anyone can get up and jam or just listen. They provide the guitar and mic; you provide the talent. Hosted by Peter & Lee. Not to be confused with ‘Peters and Lee’, a duff, 70s, folkish, sighted / unsighted, pop duo. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Three Children Of Fortune / Box Of Thumbs / Cellar Door. Winners of In The City 2003, Three Children Of Fortune will be touring after a long time recording their debut album. "Three Children of Fortune are loud and lairy, taking the post punk awkwardness of Pavement and Slint and performing open heart surgery on the nearest PA system. Live they re ferocious&" The Fly. 8pm. £5 Ministry of Defiance @Chapter Arts Centre A return to Chapter for West Wales electronica outfit, Ministry of Defiance. Following a UK tour of their 2003 album, Chapel Couture, that received national acclaim and airplay on John Peel, WFMU New York and Radio 3, MoD return with a new EP, Principae Mathematicae presented with orignal film projection. 8pm. £3.

Pick Of The Day 1 Girls Aloud @CIA See facing page for details.

Pick Of The Day 2 Jack Dee @St. David’s Hall Miserable comic with an effective line in ascerbic wit. He’s been out of the public eye for a little while but for my money is funnier than current comedy darlings like Jimmy Carr by a hilarious mile. 7.30pm.

From £20.50 NUS. Also appearing Saturday.

Student’s Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Molokos, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com