gair rhydd - Issue 787

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

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ISSUE 787 May 16 2005

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DAYLIGHT ASSAULT

Student attacked after lunchtime shop trip

By Dave Menon Reporter A SEXUAL assault on a Cardiff fresher in broad daylight has raised serious concerns about safety.

The 19 year-old was attacked on Tuesday May 3 at 1.30pm by a cyclist on the lane near the Gabalfa McDonalds after shopping in nearby Tesco Extra.

In a bid to trace the man, detectives are studying CCTV footage from the supermarket and fast-food chain.

The suspect has been described as unshaven with bushy eyebrows and an e-fit of the man has been released.

Detective Sergeant Stuart Wales said that the police were not aware of any similar incidents having occurred in that area and urged the student population to come forward with any information.

He advised that students using Tesco Extra at night should stay together and be "switched on about their personal safety."

Student Liaison Officer PC Bob Keohane stressed this was “a very unusual occurrence” that was completely out of the blue and students should not be unduly alarmed.

He said: "A student to be attacked in broad daylight is unprecedented, although flashing sometimes occurs.

"If you are going to Tesco Extra, stay off the cycle path and be aware of your sur-

roundings. If you see anything suspicious, please do not hesitate to let us know.”

Tony Grimes, Assistant Security Officer for Cardiff University, was taken by surprise upon hearing about the lunchtime assault.

He said: “This is the first incident of this sort I have come across in broad daylight, especially so close to the Halls of Residences.”

He added: "There is usually a lot of people around in that particular area (crime scene), often students and members of the public.

"More incidents of this nature are reported in the summer months, but those instances usually occur further along the Taf Trail.”

College President of Medicine, Biology,

E-fit of the attacker

Health and Life Sciences, Jenny Longbottom said "If students feel unsafe or threatened, they can contact University Security or the police.

"Students concerned about this incident can speak to an advisor at the Student Union or go to the Student Support Centre at 50 Park Place.

"It’s always better to walk in pairs and avoid walking at night if possible. If you decide to walk on your own, make sure you tell someone.”

Personal alarms are available in the Union Shop for £1.50 each. Anyone with information on the attacker should contact Cathays CID on 02920 527267 or Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.

News

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May 16 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

At

a glance March 9 2005 News Opinion Politics Taf-Od Science Media Jobs and Money Competitions Television Letters Five Minute Fun Listings Sport

Massive merger meets mixed response

1 6 10 11 13 14 16 19 23 33 35 36 38 FROM: CLOCKWISE: UWIC, Glamorgan and Newport

EDITOR Gary Andrews

DEPUTY EDITOR

James Anthony

ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Holly Marshall, Lois Dayfdd NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Matt Wilkin, Paul Dicken POLITICS Andrew Mickel, Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION James Emtage, Sophie Robehmed SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Will Schmidt TELEVISION TV Willy, TV Grace, TV John, TV Gareth, TV Katie, TV Manners LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Shell Plant FIVE MINUTE FUN Colm Loughlin TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey, Heather Casey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie Nicola Menage COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Dan Ridler, Charissa Coulthard, Perri Lewis, Caroline Farwell PROOF READERS Will Dean, Gemma Green, Bethany Whiteside, Kim O’Connor, Jim Sefton, Tom Wellingham CONTRIBUTORS Andrew Llewellyn, Brad Whittaker, Jules Thorpe-Smith, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, James Anthony, Caleb Woodridge, Martin Kemp, Sofie Jenkinson, Chris Brett, Lisa Stevens, Ed Jones, Rowan Belojica, Nick Parnell, Aled Lloyd, James Woodroof

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

By Dan Ridler Deputy News Editor A REPORT HAS called for the merger of three universities in South Wales this week amid fear of decline in the face of competition.

The report, compiled by the Higher Education Funding Council for Wales (HEFCW) suggests that the UWIC and Newport universities should join together with “close collaboration

between themselves and Glamorgan.”

It goes on to warn that without this merger the three institutions could face a spiral of decline.

The report claims the reason for this is competition, both between themselves and from nearby English universities.

The merger suggested by the report would create one of the largest university institutions in the UK with over 30,000 students, but could take as long as 5 years to complete.

SOAS SLATED School under f ire from Jewish Groups

By Dan Ridler Deputy News Editor THE SCHOOL OF Oriental and African Studies has come under fire this week following allegations of anti-semitism by the Board of Deputies of British Jews.

SOAS, part of the University of London, has been at the centre of a six month debate which culminated in the resignation of three NUS executive members.

Jewish students at the college have repeatedly complained about the anti-semitic nature of events, lectures and conferenecs and the lack of action to implement anti-discrimination policies.

The alleged rascist incidents include articles in the student magazine, the screening of a film and a conference entitled “resisting Israeli apartheid.”

These incidents along with several others have been submitted to Colin Bundy, the head of the school, threatening legal action if the rules of the institution are not properly instated.

The claims have been vigourously denied by both the University and the Union.

One University spokesperson said: “An overwhelmingly large number of students, including a number of Jewish students, have expressed thier frustration over what they believe to be false accusations and the manner in which these accusations have been made.”

Jon Benjamin, the director general for the Board of Deputies commented: “We wanted to pull together the evidence to overcome hearsay and conjecture.

“Our conclusion is that there are very clear breaches in the students’ union and the school’s own rules on equality and free speech.

“We’re not saying that there is institutional anti-semitism at SOAS. It certainly isn’t the case that everyone is anti-semitic.

“But a platform has clearly been given to anti-semites. It’s okay for their to be anti-Zionist platforms but there should be equal time for events from the other side.”

There have been suggestions of a merger between these institutions in the past.

In 2003 an abortive attempt between UWIC and Glamorgan failed when UWIC governors pulled out claiming that the merger was “not in the best interests of UWIC and its students.”

This may be a bitter memory for Glamorgan bosses, who insist that they are not interested in attempting the advised merger.

Vice Chancellor at Glamorgan Professor David Halton said: “We simply see no merit in conducting another merger process.”

Professor Williams, Chairman of HEFCW remains optimistic saying: “This is an important report for the future of Higher Education in Wales.

“It offers a bold vision for delivery across the geographical area covered by the existing institutions, to the benefit of all their students across South East Wales as a whole.”

Edu-hated

By Paul Dicken News Editor

A REPORT has revealed that the number of teachers being assaulted by pupils has more than doubled in one year.

The National Association of Schoolmasters Union of Women Teachers have released figures showing the number of teachers being injured by pupils had increased from 45 to 104 between 2003 and 2004.

Some of the attacks were serious enough for victims to need hospital treatment.

Earlier this month a 15 year-old boy pleaded guilty to raping a woman teacher at a London comprehensive.

The 28 year old woman has been unable to return to work because of the attack, which occurred in September last year.

Detective Chief Inspector Andy Rowell commented on the “immense courage and bravery” that the victim had shown throughout the ordeal and the police investigation.

The youth, who did not know the teacher, had been implicated in previous sexual attacks.

Mr Rowell said that security at the school had been increased with CCTV, security staff at entrances, and the introduction of a police liaison officer.

He said that it was "extremely rare

and unheard of for an attack to happen in a school in such a way".

The National Association of Head Teachers’ conference recently revealed that four out of 18 violent incidences they dealt with in April were violent.

Training to help teachers who have become victims of classroom violence was introduced at the end of April.

Victim Support offer free support courses on workplace violence for teachers to help their colleagues who have been attacked.

SCHOOLBOY: Menace

News

May 16 2005

Page 3

news@gairrhydd.com

“YOU’RE KIDDING” Owner shocked as club stripped of dancers

By Dave Doyle News Editor A LOCAL lap dance club has found itself short staffed after five dancers announced they were pregnant, within a single fortnight.

Fantasy Lounge on St Mary Street are now looking for dancers to fill the hole left by the mothers-to-be.

Club owner Ian Willison was shocked at the news: “One dancer said she was pregnant, then within a couple of weeks it was like ‘Oh my God!’ five were pregnant!”

The club employs 30 other

dancers but since the announcements they have struggled to cover all the shifts.

“It’s been quite tough as other dancers have had to do extra shifts.

We need five to fill the immediate vacancies and I hope lots of women will apply,” said Mr Willison who has been running the club for five years.

Three of the dancers are married and two are in serious relationships.

Mr Willison was also keen to emphasise the security at the venue: “It’s innocent entertainment. The club is very safe and we have never had any problems.”

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

Ales for Wales

By Will Talmage News Editor A NEW advertising campaign for Wales is to focus on traditional pubs to attract visitors.

The new adverts show a rural pub, with the banner: “Look, no theme.”

The Wales Tourist Board’s campaign, “Wales The Big Country” has run for three years and has evolved to give a “deeper insight” into the country.

The campaign has moved away from the clichéd images of mountains and beaches and attempted to focus on a more “honest approach.”

The pub adverts, featuring the Plough and Harrow in Monk Nash, near Wick, in the Vale of Glamorgan, says: “It’s not easy describing your archetypal Welsh pub. Take the Plough and Harrow.

The ales change regularly. The food changes regularly. The music changes regularly. All depending on what’s good locally at the time. It’s pretty typical of many pubs across Wales. They don’t share a common theme. Unless you call chalk and blackboards a theme.”

Paula Jones, the licensee of the

pub, was unaware of the adverts until a friend spotted them in The Independent.

“We’re absolutely delighted,” she said. “They’ve hit the nail on the head with the advert. We do change the ales regularly and have up to eight guest ales, and we serve homeprepared food with good portions.”

Roger Pride, the director of marketing at the Wales Tourist Board, said: “The Big Country three-year campaign was a huge success for Wales, not only did it win awards in marketing circles, but it reaped real benefits for Wales in terms of increasing visitor numbers and spend.

“For the new threeyear campaign we’ve decided to retain the Big Country Brand, but evolve the creative approach, and concepts behind the campaign.

“Our consumer research shows us that people increasingly crave experiences that are honest; we’ve seen a growing consumer demand for openness and honesty from brands in recent years. Consumers also want something that’s authentic; the visitors that we’re targeting are in pursuit of the real, the genuine and the natural in a disposable, modern world.”

Show me the honey

By Charissa Coulthard Deputy News Editor FHM HAS started recruiting hopefuls once again for its annual ‘High Street Honey’ competition.

The lucky winner has the chance to win 10,000 pounds, appear on television and star in a glamorous FHM photo shoot.

Amy Mcclelland, who works for the magazine, said: “The competition is for pretty, girl-next-door types to enter. The girls must be over eighteen, not have any modelling experience and be prepared to send in a photo of themselves wearing a bikini.”

Last year saw many entrants from South Wales, including students Rebecca Adams, Imogen Thomas and Amy Richards, who all made the top 100.

But North Wales was branded a ‘Honey-free zone’ with no applicants featuring in the final.

Previous winners include presenter Tanya Robinson and Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding.

The men’s magazine has now started recruiting new hopefuls, with applications set to close on June 1.

And now FHM scouts have turned to gair rhydd to see if next year’s winner can be found among the students at Cardiff.

Second year law student Dean Theakston said: “Loads of Cardiff girls are really fit, so I reckon they’d definitely be in with a chance.”

For more information go to www.fhm.com/honeys.

Top barks Headaches and dead pets bump your mark up

By Charissa Coulthard Deputy News Editor AN EXAMS authority is defending a new system that gives pupils extra marks if they have suffered personal trauma.

The system, which applies to GCSE and A-level pupils in England, increases the students’ mark according to their level of distress.

Pupils are given 2% more if their pet dies and 1% more if they get a

CAT: flat on the mat

headache. Those experiencing hay fever are also eligible for a rise.

Critics are accusing the system of providing an “excuse to everything” whereas the Assessment and Qualifications Alliance (AQA) claims the consideration of such events is “nothing new.”

Claire Ellis, AQA public affairs manager, defends the system as an attempt to quantify the sorts of circumstances which would merit special consideration and ensure consistency across exam boards.

She said: “The number of extra marks available is actually rather small, and in most cases they do not change the final grade.”

“However, they are a way of compensating a candidate who has been genuinely adversely affected by a situation beyond their control.”

The guidelines are set by the Joint Council for Qualifications (JCQ), which represents England’s three main exam authorities, including the AQA. Claire added: “The applications will still go through the schools and

colleges, who will be close to the candidates and have knowledge of their home circumstances.

“And a degree of proof will still be required. For example, in the case of illness, which makes up 85% of special consideration applications, a GP’s letter may be required.”

More serious events are also accounted for, such as the recent death of a parent or close relative – after which the pupil is granted 5% more – and witnessing a distressing event on the day of the exam.

But the scheme has not proven popular with pressure group Campaign for Real Education.

Chairman Nick Seaton said: “Youngsters should realise that bad things happen in life and it is important to deal with them.

“Of course, there are circumstances when a pupil might be particularly distressed and a teacher can scribble a note on the exam paper, which has happened in the past.

“But formalising and quantifying excuses in this way sends out the wrong message.”

News

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16 May 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

JEN’S MARVELLOUS MEDICINE Matt Wilkin talks Egyptian holidays, kite-surfing and girl power with President of Medicine, Biology, Life and Health Sciences Jenny Longbottom

J

ENNY LONGBOTTOM has just got back from a holiday in Egypt. She looks tanned and refreshed, and despite the chilly Cardiff morning, refuses to shake off the short-sleeved t-shirt and flip-flops just yet. She recalls the great weather, and her thoughts turn to her next holiday. it’s all right for some.

"I went kite-surfing and it was awesome. It’s something I’ve wanted to get into for years, but I haven’t been able to find the time. A week of kite-surfing and sun: it was brilliant."

It seems like the holiday was well deserved: Jenny has spent most of this year overseeing the merger between Cardiff University and the University of Wales College of Medicine in her capacity as President of Medicine, Biology, Life and Health Sciences.

It is Jenny’s job to represent the interests of Heath Park students, and as a medicine student herself, she has been committed to ensuring the merger has gone ahead successfully.

But this hasn’t exactly been an easy task – not least because her position did not exist until last year.

"The reason I ran for the position was purely so I could oversee students’ interests once the merger had happened," she explains.

"Admittedly, a lot of what I’ve done this year has been groundwork that people haven’t really seen, and the fruits of what I’ve done won’t really be seen for a few years.

"But I am constantly meeting with students and writing reports on the issues that concern them, and heading evaluations of the standards of teaching, which medicine and healthcare students currently receive.

"Some days all I see is students, and then others I don’t see any at all. But there have been a couple of specific student cases this year, which have taken up a lot of my time, so I’ve always been kept busy."

How does Jenny think the merger has affected students at the Heath?

"I don’t think the majority of students will have noticed any difference, apart from the change of logo on their handbooks," she says.

"But I think on the whole, they were very concerned about it: with medicine students especially, it’s an identity thing.

“Because you work so hard to get to medical school, you pride yourself on your University. Students were worried about losing that ‘special’ identity.

"Prior to the merger, there were also three sabbatical officers, which aren’t there [at the Heath] now.

Having said that, Heath students have access to a lot more Union services, so I think most are quite happy."

Stockport-born Longbottom has spent this year as an integral member of the Union’s sabbatical team, but is brilliantly circumspect about what she envisaged her role to entail when she first considered taking up the job.

"I honestly don’t know what my expectations were, such was the blank canvas left for me. I thought I would spend more time at [the Heath] hospital than I do. But I knew I wanted to take a year off, and I seemed suited to the job."

Jenny has already completed three years of a degree in Medicine, and will return to her studies in September.

"Goodness knows how I’m going to adjust to it.

"This time last year I was doing a degree, I had a part time job and was in a fairly busy relationship and now I don’t have any of those things, so it gets to the weekend and sometimes I find myself to be at a bit of a loose end, so I’m looking forward to getting back to lessons."

But Jenny will definitely miss working with the rest of the sabbatical executive.

JENN FACT Y LONGBO FILE TTOM ORIG StockINALLY FR OM: por t COUR Medi SE STUD cine IED: PLAN Retur S FOR FU Cardi ning to h TURE: e ff nex t yea r studies i r n "They’re a great bunch of people. I’ve worked very closely with Pete [Goodman, President of Humanities and Social Sciences], who is politics with a capital ‘p’, and I’m not like that. I don’t have such grand aims and don’t want to change the world.

"It turns in a ‘good cop/bad cop routine’ sometimes, but ultimately, our differing styles have complimented each other."

And in a male-dominated office, does Jenny and the only other female sabbatical member, Societies, Postgraduate and International officer Beri Abbas, ever exert girl power?

"Oh hell yes," she enthuses. "Beri and I get on really well. There was a particularly memorable evening at Lash when we both got up on the stage and entertained the crowd - we’ve had our fair share of girly nights. We don’t often let the boys get one over us."

And even though she is certain to walk into a job once she has graduated, Jenny still feels that her sabbatical role has been worthwhile experience.

"I’ve really enjoyed the year, and as all of the sabbatical team have been working towards a management NVQ, it will definitely have a positive impact on anything I do in the future.

"I’m hopeful that my experience this year will set me apart from everyone else."

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL: Jenny Longbottom

Lecturers’ union reject pay offer

By Andrew Llewellyn Reporter TEACHING UNION leaders have angrily rejected a five-per-cent pay rise over two years from university heads, branding the offer ‘insulting’.

The three unions involved – the Association of University Teachers (AUT), Nafthe and the Educational Institute of Scotland – had been holding out for an 11.2% rise for all members.

Union spokespeople claimed the uni heads could afford their demands due to the ‘windfall’ most institutions would receive from top-up fees.

In a joint statement AUT and Nafthe leaders Sally Hunt and Paul Mackney said: "This offer fails to address the continuing problem of low pay for academic staff, and is simply unacceptable.

"The prime minister himself accepts that there has been ‘practically no increase’ in real terms salaries for university staff over the past two

decades.

"Yet despite a generous financial settlement and the prospect of billions of pounds in top-up fee income coming into the sector the employers continue to plead poverty."

Four other unions, including Unison, who represent clerical and support staff, supported the rejection of the pay offer.

But university heads have rejected the accusations claiming their offer would mean a 13-15% increase in staff pay over the next fifteen months.

Chairman of the Universities and Collegues Employers Association (UCEA) Geoffrey Copland said: "This offer, made against an extremely tight financial situation for higher education institutions, represents a significant pay increase for staff.

"Employers have repeatedly made clear that they want to see more money spent on staff, whenever funding allows. Today's offer is a clear demonstration of that desire, as well as the determination that any pay increases have to be affordable."

The AUT were involved in last year’s pay dispute with Cardiff University, which saw the teaching union’s members hold two-one day strikes.

In addition some lecturers refused to mark coursework or set exams questions until the issue was resolved.

However, there have been no calls for strikes so far on this nationwide pay discussion and negotiations between the two sides are due to resume in June.

News

May 16 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

A FAIRER WAY

By Elgan Iorwerth Reporter THE STUDENTS’ Union has responded to calls from students by establishing a Fair Trade Steering Group.

This comes after a motion proposed by Joao Martins, Ethical & Environmental Officer and reflects a wider desire among the student body for a more sustainable Union.

The group, announced on May 9, functions to monitor the progress of the Union in providing Fair Trade goods throughout its outlets.

Group members include the President, Campaigns and PR Officer, Trading and Operations Manager, Ethical & Environmental Officer and the Chair of People and Planet.

This means Cardiff University have done gone one-fifth of the way to achieving the five criteria laid by by the Fair Trade Foundation to achieve such a status for the institution.

But the Union cannot achieve this status on its own; it requires co-operation and similar policies being put in place within the University itself.

One of the main criteria to be met is the designation of a Union Executive and a University representative to implement policies. These representatives must also agree to sit on the Steering Group.

The other criteria include serving Fair Trade refreshments and food at meetings, committing to campaigns to raise awareness and encourage the use of Fair Trade foods.

Band-tastic work

By Nicola Menage Reporter THE STUDENTS’ Union has raised over £3000 for assorted charities during the academic year so far.

This was down to the hard work and generosity of many students on two separate projects.

The selling of the ‘Keep Wednesday afternoons free’ wristbands, costing a pound each, plus many extra donations from students, raised £981.52 for the Tsunami Earthquake appeal.

Pete Goodman, Union President elect, felt that the success of his campaign was helped by the growing popularity of charity wristbands nationwide.

"We simply caught the fashion at the right time." he commented.

Goodman believes that keeping Wednesday afternoons free is important for students to "get additional job employment skills and get involved in other activities such as Student Volunteering or going to the careers centre."

The second project came from work by the Students’ Union Women’s

Officer, Clare Donovan, who raised money by organising an event called ’Ladies’ night.’

The event, held in the Union’s night club, Solus, in March, raised £1093 for women who have suffered from domestic violence.

The event featured dancing from the Funky Arse Disco Dancers, a fashion show, and a speech from the Welsh Woman of the Year, Sarah Conelius.

Clare told gair rhydd: "I wanted to bring people in for the fun side of it, for the makeup and fashion, but also highlight the serious aspect of the day."

The event brought in over 200 people and was initiated by the success of previous efforts to raise money for women who have been the victims of domestic violence.

"We raised £280 last November on International Day of Action Against Violence Against Women (IDAAVAW) by the selling of white ribbons" Clare said.

"We hope to continue our success, and the women’s officer next year has expressed her desire to do something like this again."

The Union should also provide Fair Trade alternatives in all outlets, cafés, bars, and restaurants and commit to implement this policy as quickly as possible where it is not immediately possible to do so. gair rhydd spoke to Pete Goodman, College President for Humanities and Science (and future Union President), regarding the setting up of the Focus Group and the current Fair trade practices of the Union.

"Already as an organisation our staff drink Fair Trade coffee, which we supply in our kitchen."

He went on to say "I just hope that the students can see that the Student’s Union is listening to what they want and is taking action, and very positive action at that that."

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Editorial & Opinion

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May 16 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd

FREE WORD Student safety THE RECENT HIGH profile sexual attacks highlight the dangers to students on their own – yet it’s worth noting that both attacks are remarkably unusual.

The Taf Trail has a reputation and it’s better to go as a group and be safe – but a lunchtime attack is incredibly rare.

Any man who has the audacity to carry off such an attack needs to be caught sooner, rather than later.

In the meantime the best course of action for all students would be to purchase an attack alarm from the Union Shop.

Fair food THE MOVE BY the Union to set up a fair-trade steering group is an incredibly positive step forward and shows the sabbatical team are carrying through the wishes of the student body following the motion that was passed at the AGM. This is a significant move towards getting fair-trade status for Cardiff University and such actions should be applauded.

Many of today’s students are more ethically aware than ever before and are increasingly looking for products that offer farmers in the developing world a better deal.

By making a commitment to offer ethically sound goods alongside more recognisable brand names, students will be empowered like never before.

The onus is now on Cardiff University to work with the Union and drive this fair-trade city further forward.

Music as a Fashion

By Jules Thorpe-Smith

M

usic is not something, in my opinion, that should be branded or bought, but there are a few companies that do this extremely well. Atticus, Blink 182’s clothes company, are an excellent example of this, and as such given your angsty Cardiff teenager a uniform they will love and cherish.

Duped into thinking they look individual and will stand out from the crowd when in fact they look exactly the same as their mates, they (or their long suffering parents) fork out huge amounts of cash. Odd, seeing as the Atticus mission statement seemed to mention affordable clothes. How very punk of Blink 182.

The best example of music as fashion resides in either Legends or Westworld Retail Corp. I’m not attacking the shops, or their contents. I love their clothes, and tend to be something of a walking advert for them. And it’s not their fault. They are shops after all; they live by the supply and demand ethos.

So really, the fault lies with us. We demand, they deliver. So really, the question is: why? Why do we demand to pay forty or fifty quid for what essentially is a pair of jeans, T-shirt and trainers?

I for one feel a little better owning a pair of Bench or Mavi jeans than some unlisted brand from TK Maxx (though the place is a mecca for a bargain, and there’s an even bigger sense of satisfaction when you get the brand name for a fraction of the price), even though I know that I’ll wear them until they’re literally falling apart and then have to go back to my non-brand name clothes, which have lasted longer.

“They look exactly the same as their mates” Yes, sometimes you get what you pay for. Price and brand names are an indicator of quality. But other times they let you know that the last thing you should do with your new purchases is wear them to Clwb Ifor Bach tonight, because they’ll get destroyed.

So what’s the lesson here? You are no more or less rock/punk/metal/hardcore/indie because of clothes. Clothes are the domain of fashion, not music.

When people (including myself) learn how to separate these two worlds, you’ll A) Make sensible choices for going to gigs (i.e. stuff you don’t mind getting dirty) and B) Probably spend much less money on clothes because you think you have to fit into the ‘scene.’

Me, I’ll carry on buying all of the above. I must love being poor.

Kerry-Lynne Doyle’s

Bring On The Anti-Vote THE INDEPENDENT this week began their campaign to change the British voting system after Labour gained 64% of the power with 36% of the votes.

Helped by a campaign by Billy Bragg there was also a vast number of ‘tactical’ votes – mainly Labour and Liberal Democrat voters choosing their second choice in marginal seats to fight off the Conservative comeback.

The grand conclusion is that the government we have is nothing like the government we asked for.

While there clearly are arguments for the current system, perhaps we should consider the system used by the NUS - Single Transferable Voting.

With STV, which was used in the Students’ Union Sabbatical Elections, all the candidates are ranked in order of preference.

That way voters can say who they really want to win, and who they really want to lose.

ROOM 101

N

oise. Every possible form of noise has obliterated my concentration in the weeks before essay deadlines.

After weaning myself off the temptations of daytime television (Doctors is somehow more appealing when there are essays to be done), eating my weight in chocolate digestives and colour co-ordinating everything my room possesses, I settled down at my desk ready to be inspired.

Then, as if by magic, I discovered that my room attracts noise.

Here are just some of the noises that have been inflicted upon my room in the last fortnight: 1. Footsteps.

2. Footsteps on creaking floorboards.

3. The muffled sound of next door’s television (quiet enough to be indistinguishable, loud enough to be distracting).

4. My neighbours holding an

outdoor birthday bash adjacent to my window talking VERY LOUDLY because the birthday girl COULDN’T HEAR VERY WELL. 5. The children in the house behind dragging boulders across their garden.

6. The children in the house behind shrieking as they throw trainers into our garden.

7. The sound of the Conservative Party’s aeroplane flying over my room six times with their ‘Are you thinking what we’re thinking?’ banner on the day before the election.

(If you’re thinking I’d love to shove that banner up Michael Howard’s arse to get some peace then yes, I am.)

So let’s relegate noise to Room 101, the only thing that could possibly be more annoying than permanent sunshine during the examination period.

Please, if it’s the one last thing you do before your exams, just KEEP IT DOWN!

Student Stereotypes

Car mella the stimulant addict

By James Emtage

C

armella has just popped another Pro Plus, had a big gulp of Red Bull and is settling herself down in the 24 hour computer library for yet another night of last minute essay writing.

This is not the first time this has happened, and for sure it won’t be the last.

The majority of Carmella’s deadlines are met only by the use of the full range of legal stimulants sold in the Union Shop.

It’s not so much that she writes better whilst ‘under the influence’. It’s more the case that she simply writes. Carmella has an inability to make her pen move across her page unless she’s positively twitching from the effects of caffeine.

Some of her most elaborately lengthy works have been achieved at three in the morning after consuming two sugary coffees and chain smoking her way through a packet of Camel Lights.

There’s something covertly sexy about it: the inner creative self of Carmella Hamilton being unleashed in the middle of the night upon a tea-stained piece of paper in a half-empty computer room.

She’s often unproductive though, even after her consumption, and sometimes occupies her time by making up secret names and imaginary lives for the other few ‘addicts’ that battle through the darkened hours with her. Occasionally they speak, but they’re always a let down for her.

She’d much prefer to think that the guy opposite was an undercover spy for the FBI who once had a cameo role alongside Ted Danson in Cheers than Gary who’s finishing off his architecture portfolio.

She’s learnt now to take such stimulants in small doses. Once she OD’d on Pro Plus mixed with Lucozade and was still shaking two days later, unable to sleep or to funnel her excess energy into anything constructive. Instead she stood by her bedroom window for four hours flashing her bedside lamp, utterly convinced that she’d got a secret morse-type conversation going with the guy from number 34.

She knows the tricks of the trade.

Begrudged at paying two pounds a time for a can of the popular Red Bull, she ventured out to the supermarkets’ own brands, and found that drinks such as Kick, Jump, Boom and Raging Rocket have exactly the same desired effect for a fraction of the price.

Her housemates sometimes get concerned when they find her dancing in the kitchen at nine the next morning, having again had no sleep, knowing that a comedown is imminent. They don’t last for long though.

Come eight o’clock that evening it’s time for action. Another big cup of fresh coffee, a wash of the face and a couple of pills later and she’s off again, for yet another night of crazy typing, inventive writing and imaginative stories, this time of the night watchman who has secretly been hired out to kill her.

Role model Bond?

By Brad Whittaker

W

e are once again in the middle of a James Bond season on ITV. This will, as always, raise the age old question: "which actor was the best 007?" For my two pence worth I think Pierce Brosnan has been the best to date, with Sean Connery a close second.

But perhaps a more important question is: is James Bond a good role model for today’s youth? I can remember watching James Bond since the age of 10 or younger. But is this womanising, alcoholic assassin truly worthy of the wonder and awe of many a young boy?

One might argue that he serves Queen and country and heroically does what has to be done to save the day. While our servicemen and women may be required to take a life in the line of duty, it is something that is not taken lightly.

Bond seems to kill for pleasure; no

Bond villain has ever lived to stand trial for his crimes. Bond indeed is a ruthless killer.

Vodka Martinis, shaken not stirred, may be the order of the day for Britain’s best superspy, but it’s possible that Bond’s excessive drinking coupled with his seeming distain for his orders and the plethora of women all add up to a morally bankrupt man.

A man who seemingly can turn any woman to putty only to leave them as soon as he’s had his fill of her.

Is James Bond a ‘sexist misogynist dinosaur, a relic’ of a former age? Do we really want the next generation of men to be those who will use women and violence to meet their own end while silencing the ghosts with alcohol? I think not.

The 007 series is undoubtedly entertaining. But they are escapist fantasies that no-one will ever get to live out.

Does James Bond represent a wider trend in the media to create unsuitable role models for children?

Editorial & Opinion

May 16 2005

Page 7

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Hoodies: The root of all evil?

James Anthony explores the dark underworld of shopping mall fashion

H

oodies have been banned from the Bluewater shopping centre in Kent, a 330-store behemoth. Yet another wail from middle England, plaintively mewling at a new scapegoat.

Television is ruining our youth, computer games are making morons of our children, and lo, be sure to cover your precious infants’ ears against Dick and Dom invoking the cursed utterance: “poo”, lest the spirit of the Dark Lord penetrate the pristine innocence of youth. These are the sort of complaints often signed off with “Yours, Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells” (which is in… Kent).

Priorities

MASTER KENOBI: Not all people wearing hoodies are baddies

Second Class Degree?

By Dave Menon

A

fter downing a couple of beers on a pleasant Saturday evening, I was in a buoyant mood. The night was young and a solid drinking session was on the cards. I was getting to know someone I hadn’t previously met, and the subject advanced to the usual question "What course are you studying?"

After telling him I was studying English Language, the cheeky reply was "English isn’t a proper degree.”

I was outraged by such an inconsiderate and downright insulting comment. This person obviously lives in the Stone Age, because there are many degrees which are designed to create particular career opportunities.

And many of them have a significantly lower reputation than English. Take "Beckhamology" for example; who would want to spend three years studying a celebrity footballer who changes their hair-style every five minutes? The validity of that degree should be questioned, not English.

Let’s get the record straight here.

English is a proper degree because it is highly respected by a host of employers. A degree in English can allow students to work in a wide range of different careers. A professional expertise in English opens many doors which include teaching at home or abroad, language and speech therapy, literacy development and work, translation, publishing and editorial work, journalism, working for the civil service, forensics and much more.

Of course various people (not mentioning any names) are ignorant and don’t realise the importance of English in our modern society. After all, English is one of the most widelyspoken languages in the world, meaning a degree in this subject must be quite important and therefore a ‘proper degree’.

I can hear the English-bashers of the student population yawning. They have taken in my argument thus far but have one statement up their sleeves: "English is not a proper degree because you only have six lectures a week; we have twenty-six," or something along those lines.

In response to this cry, I must admit us English students tend to sit on our arses and sleep till the afternoon before arriving late to a 1pm lecture (Well I arrive late and have been given the nickname "late-boy").

But isn’t that what university life is all about? We may be here to get a degree, but the most important thing is to meet new people, live life to the full and get drunk! The experience of university will always be remembered. Not the number of lectures we had each week.

In an earlier edition of gair rhydd, Will Dean rightly pointed out that Journalism is a degree not to be underestimated. I feel the validity of any degree should not be questioned, even "Beckhamology" to an extent.

We all have to complete coursework, stick to deadlines and revise for exams. To a certain degree (excuse the pun), we are all in the same boat.

We should all respect what each other is studying. "English-bashers"- you have been warned.

Now hoodies are branded the chosen garments of Beelzebub himself, with ‘baseball caps’ and ‘swearing’ completing this execrable axis of evil.

Never mind gutless parenting and dumbed-down education – wardrobe choices create out of control children!

This knee-jerk reaction is illthought out, primarily since it will achieve nothing; the youths will still enter, albeit attired differently.

It is intended to placate stupid people, Daily Mail readers and those of a pensionable age who still don’t trust “darkies,” and long for the halcyon days of public hangings (these instances are not mutually exclusive).

It also smacks of abject laziness on the part of corporate suits who run bloated store-intensive malls. Their concerns are the cost of crime prevention, rather than the crime itself.

Helen Smith, Bluewater’s property manager, is quick to brag about the safe “family environment” of the complex, with its 400 CCTV cameras, all for the protection of Bluewater’s beloved “guests.”

Not everyone agrees. A voice of dissent from Rob Dempsey, for hoodie-friendly Brent Cross shopping centre, London: “We have police who work on site with us and if there is ever any problem with individuals then they obviously are banned.”

This strikes right at the crux of the matter, something which Bluewater have (intentionally, no doubt) missed.

CCTV cameras are essentially redundant unless there are an army of security personnel able to act on them.

Profits, not people If Bluewater and its followers really cared about the safety of their “guests” (read: wallets with legs), then it would up the ante and employ more staff. But that would involve wages, and wages eat into profits.

The fact that Bluewater is the largest mall in Britain serves to uphold this theory, since the creation of jobs would benefit the area.

Bluewater’s guidelines say that clothing which “deliberately obscures the face” shall not be allowed. There are plenty of other factors that disguise identity from the glaucoma stare of a cheap CCTV camera. Burkhas, for instance. And turbans. Long hair.

Sunglasses.

More rationally, when was the last time someone was positively identi-

fied from a grainy CCTV image by their facial features alone? Never, that’s when. The first points of identity from CCTV footage are always the colour and variety of clothing.

“Officer, he was wearing black combat pants and a grey top.” Bam! Send out a team of paid-up security guards to round up all the scamps matching that description, because hooded face or not, that’s the best you’re going to get.

Jumping on the bandwagon The move has been backed by Kent police, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott, and now Tony Blair has added his two-cents at last Thursday’s Prime Minister’s briefing.

The practical upshot is that other shopping malls will doubtless introduce copycat clothing bans, a trend which is already happening. The Trafford Centre in Manchester has already followed suit (excuse the pun).

Worse still, some shops are even considering taking hoodies off the shelves.

Alarm bells When prejudice infringes upon freedom of expression; it’s time to start questioning what the powers that be are demanding of you. You are being told, not asked, to conform.

Fear begets fear, and book-burning agendas start with baby-steps like these. Hoodies in shopping malls; ID cards; uniforms; the Patriot Act. All of which are American Dreams...

Editorial & Opinion

Page 8

May 16 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

HORROR-SCOPES Caleb Woodridge asks whether astrology sometimes oversteps the mark and goes beyond the harmless fun of horoscopes

A

strology. What a load of twaddle. Horoscopes can be good for a laugh, but the idea that it’s got any real basis in truth is laughable. Yet Ruth Mansfield’s recent feature in Quench claimed that "horoscopes are not just a column in a magazine or newspaper, but a serious and recognised science, art and discipline".

After I’d stopped laughing, I started worrying. Here is a presumably intelligent university student taking seriously a long-debunked piece of superstition. The occult isn’t just a harmless delusion either. Recently, a clairvoyant sent letters out to homes across South Wales telling people they were cursed and needed to pay her to free them. That kind of manipulation is just sick.

I’d like to know who exactly recognises astrology as a "serious science, art and discipline," but I’m sure it won’t be any actual academic. If there’s any scientific evidence that astrological predictions can foretell the future, I’ll be fascinated to see it.

I’m not holding my breath.

That kind of manipulation is just sick The article also claims that astrology declined towards the end of the 16th century "because it was met with hostility from religious leaders who saw astrology as competition".

Possibly, but I imagine the development of the modern science of astron-

should a great big ball of flaming gas billions of miles away, as interpreted by that great big ball of flaming gas Russell Grant, have any influence whatsoever on my chance of a pay rise?" Why indeed?

Neither is there any evidence for astrology. I can rattle off a list of things that are used as arguments for God, such as the alleged resurrection of Jesus Christ, supposed revelation to different prophets, the wonder of the universe, and so on.

There’s no way that the distant stars and planets have any effect on individual lives

omy through the discoveries of Copernicus and Galileo had a lot to do with it, too.

The sun and moon cause the seasons and the tides, and therefore actually affect our lives. But some ancient peoples then falsely concluded that other heavenly bodies must affect other things, such as their love lives and financial fortunes.

A bit daft, but not entirely mad given how little they knew of the universe. But by now, we know about stuff like gravity and astrophysics, and that there’s no way that the distant stars and planets have any effect on individual lives.

It’s great to have an open mind, but not so open that it’s like an open drain, sucking in any old rubbish. You

need to use your brain as well as keep it open. It’s not that the supernatural is necessarily illogical. Religious ideas of God, for example, are usually coherent views of the world - the big question is simply whether they’re true or not. That’s more than can be said for astrology.

Astrology isn’t coherent and logical. To quote The Now Show: "Why

However, I have yet to come across a shred of evidence or coherent argument, however dubious, for the truth of astrology.

The trouble with astrology and horoscopes is that when people start taking them seriously, they are no longer harmless fun. It angers me that quacks peddle this stuff and exploit gullible people, and that people might actually base important decisions on this nonsense.

Astrology is irrational, without evidence and exploitative. It’s time to leave behind these Dark Age superstitions once and for all.

This strain of the student species enter the library at around 9am (during the final week before deadline, you understand) and swiftly log on to their favourite computer (you’ve got to have a favourite - and if it’s gone - oh Jesus if it’s gone - then that is a B-A-D omen).

They then stay logged on for the duration of the day, regardless of the queuing masses.

Then at 9pm we retire for the evening, say a heartfelt goodbye to our present library buddies and the one smiley librarian, and leave our safe, academic haven with glazed, desperate searching eyes - and accidentally open an old lady’s handbag on the way home because we mistakenly thought it was a book.

Conversation with a library buddy, without fail, goes a little something like this (with the exception of bereavement or facial injury - special

circumstances even for library buddies): Buddy #1: "Alright you (i.e. I don’t know your name)! Back again eh?! (joke.)"

Buddy #2: "(laughs) Yeah, tell me about it! (Awkward intake of breath) Anyway - good luck with it."

Buddy #1: "Oh right, cheers, you too - guess I’ll see you tomorrow, same time, same place! (laugh, laugh, cry.)"

Or, alternatively: Buddy #1: "Oh my God what happened to your face?"

Buddy #2: "Oh, I wish you hadn’t asked. A close friend of the family died and I injured my face in respect to their memory during this bereavement period."

Buddy #1: "Oh, bummer… how’s the (insert workload) going?"

And thus reverts back to the uniformed dialogue above.

I would like to conclude (some might say cynically) by saying: do not attempt to prolong your ‘friendship’ after the exam period.

If your library buddy attempts to include you in their end of work cele-

brations take heed of my advice and never go! Under no circumstances!

Unless they’ve baked a cake that gives you the ability to change shape, but even then be wary, because maybe you should learn to be comfortable with your own shape. It’s not so bad.

And there might not always be a library buddy magic cake around to help you escape yourself.

But even then, go for the cake and the cake alone because you will never be able to talk to these people outside of the library’s confines!

No friendship can be forged in such a harshly-lit environment.

Library buddies: know your place.

Don’t offer the branch of eternal friendship because it will spontaneously combust - on purpose I might add to alleviate itself from the monstrously dull conversation that will ensue about books, fines, results, feet and Martine McCutcheon. Just say no.

The library buddy phenomenon

By Martin Kemp

W

e have now reached that time of year when we must draw the library to our bosom as our comrade, mother and highly intellectual lover. In doing so we also create our most valuable support system - the ‘library buddy’.

These are the people who we don’t really know, and outside of the library probably would not want to.

The people you turn to when your housemates and actual friends have completed their essays and are merely shuffling words around.

Library buddies are people like you (unless you are amongst the clever housemate and friend congregation), who have never completed an essay with time to effectively spell check and word count let alone do any shuffling.

Library buddies are people like you who have never completed an essay with time to effectively spell check and word count Buddy #2: "Ha, yeah - just can’t stay away from the place (reciprocal joke)! How’s the (insert workload) going?"

Buddy #1: "(Desperation seeps in) I’m actually going insane - genuinely."

Page 10

Political Opinion

May 16 2005

politics@gairrhydd.com

Something of the white about him The Tories immigration policy isn’t just xenophobic, argues Gary Andrews - it’s also a gift to the BNP

O

ne of the more worrying trends to emerge from the recent General Election was the number of votes the British National Party polled across the country. Let's not mince words here, the BNP are essentially an odious fascist organisation that uses clever window-dressing to disguise the racism in all of their policies.

Although a good number of people will see through this deception and recognise the policies for what they actually are, a worrying number of people (roughly a thousand or over in each constituency) clearly have been taken in by these ‘common man’ claims and have voted BNP. Only a minority of the votes were actually cast by the dyed-in-the-wool fascists that make up the membership of this minority party.

There is one main reason why the BNP has attracted so many votes: Immigration. And the reason so many people are concerned about immigration can be firmly laid at the doorstep of two men: Conservative Leader Michael Howard and his director of strategy Lynton Crosby.

Immigration should not be an election issue. There are far more pressing

GRIFFIN: BNP Leader

things to deal with. The state of the NHS, the funding crisis in universities, the environment and anti-social behaviour are just a few of the issues that should be given greater import. But ask most people what the main issue the Tories were campaigning on and they'll say immigration.

Let's debunk a few myths here.

Immigrants aren't the biggest threat to our way of life since Communism/Hitler/insert other folkdevil here. If somebody is an immigrant that means they've been approved to live in this country and the government are happy that they satisfy the necessary criteria for living over here.

The same can be said for asylum seekers (and let's not confuse these with illegal immigrants). Once somebody's application for asylum has been approved then they are no longer an asylum seeker but a refugee. If their application is rejected they are no longer an asylum seeker but a person who does not have permission to be in the country.

Statistically, immigrants and asylum seekers are more likely to be the victims rather than the perpetrators of crime, and second generation immigrants often benefit the economy more than non-immigrants.

But then it's always nice to have a scapegoat. Seeing as both immigrants and asylum seekers often have little chance of redressing the lies told about them by politicians or national newspapers there's more chance the public will be more receptive to the Conservative party line: Immigrants = evil.

The Tories' policies border on racism and are merely fanning the flames of fear to cover up their lack of coherent solutions to the problems facing Britain today. After all, the thousands of immigrants claiming benefits are clearly crippling our country more than an illegal war that we had no business going into, right?

However, the rest of the

Conservatives’ policies are close to Labour's and the party is still seen as incapable of governing properly by many. Their more right-wing inclined supporters will nod their heads in agreement with the immigration line but won't actually vote Tory, instead

The BNP may be a fascist party, but at least they’re clear and focused about their aims preferring to find another party that appears more focused in it's aims as opposed to one that leaps on any passing bandwagon. The BNP may be a fascist party with extreme right-wing policies, but at least they're clear and focused about their aims and objectives.

HOWARD: Election focus on immigration In a way we should be thankful that tion, it makes headlines in these parties such as UKIP and Veritas exist, papers. Readers will take most newsotherwise there's a chance the BNP paper stories with a pinch of salt, if would have polled even higher in some you tell people often enough that constituencies. But thousands of disaf- there's a problem then they'll start to fected Tory voters have clearly desert- believe it. Indeed, some Express front ed to the BNP because Michael pages and editorials don't differ greatHoward has pushed the immigration ly from the BNP leaflets.

These same papers will then come issue so far forward in an effort to appeal to our less-than-savoury xeno- over sanctimoniously horrified when phobic inclinations. In that respect he's the BNP increases it's vote whilst at the succeeded, as immigration clearly has same time publishing stories that play into the hands of the party - stories that Middle England terrified.

What he hasn't succeeded in doing are often generated by the is to suggest credible alternatives to Conservatives.

So farewell then Michael Howard. deal with this mythical problem. His policies on immigration are designed Your lasting legacy hasn't been to to sound liberal enough to woo the increase the Tory share of the popular open-minded floating voter, which vote, which barely differs from the perdoesn't sit well with those who want a formance under Hague, nor has it been more hard-line stance, a stance that the to make the Conservatives a credible electoral force.

BNP provides.

Instead your main contribution to By putting immigration at the top of the agenda, it also appeals to the right- this election has been to scare many of wing press, like The Sun and The your ordinary supporters into voting Daily Express, who demonise immi- for a fascist, racist party, thereby grants and asylum seekers in an effort increasing their size of the vote and to sell more papers and push their own their importance in national politics, all because of a problem that is simply brand of racism upon the public.

Michael Howard talks up immigra- a creation of your campaign team.

Identity crisis in the Tory heartlands

By Sofie Jenkinson

I

n the wee hours of Friday morning the Conservatives reared their ugly heads again on the Welsh map of representatives for the first time since 1997. It gradually became obvious that this was a situation mirrored throughout the rest of the UK, an unsurprising result considering the growing disillusionment with Blair’s government.

Take a simple glance at the map of UK representatives and it’s not difficult to see that England is the most right-wing province of them all. It is particularly interesting to focus on the capital cities; not even a whiff of a blue tie in Cardiff or Edinburgh, not to mention the surrounding areas, whereas London appears to be surrounded. So is it just that the Welsh and the Scots are more liberal?

Upon scanning the pages of The Guardian on polling day, I stumbled across a piece by Timothy Garton Ash. "Vote smart today and you can assist the strange birth of liberal Britain" he urged from the black and white pages.

This election, as everybody kept observing, was very much a threeparty race, two of which were of liberal allegiance. As Mr Garton Ash pointed out in his article, the UK does actually possess a liberal majority these days. The problem, however, is that there are now two parties to choose from, which therefore splits this majority.

So this raises the question of why, when there are so many liberals amongst us, is there still so much blue on the map? Maybe it is just a matter of voting tactically, which does imply that Wales and Scotland are either better at this or are simply more liberal.

England is the most right wing province of them all

Some people have suggested that it is a lack of national identity on the part of the English which causes them to cling to the Conservative party, steeped in tradition, and allows them to accept such intolerant parties as the British National Party and the newly formed Veritas .

This concept certainly goes a long way to explain the apparent willingness of some of the English to accept such rigid and naïve immigration policies, usually before even considering the mainly positive effect of immigration both socially and economically.

The Welsh and the Scots however have a deep and overflowing passion for their countries, you can see it in their eyes. This does not necessarily make them more tolerant but it may have something to do with their perception of being ‘minorities’ in the UK themselves.

The English never seem to match up to this cultural enthusiasm, unless violence is used as its measure.

Some people went into those voting booths knowing full well that their actions might cause that particular seat to fall to a party less interested in education, health care and equality and more interested in conserving an out of date culture and desperately clinging to a certain ‘identity’.

If enough people had turned out and voted with the kind of intelligence Mr Garton Ash was referring to then maybe our society would finally have been freed from the shackles of tradition and this identity crisis.

Maybe England could have finally been able to get on with simply being a tolerant, vibrant and exciting multi-cultural place to live.

Taf-Od

16 Mai 2005

Tud 11

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Dilyn Dy Drwyn M

AE GWYDDONWYR ym Mhrifysgol Caerdydd, mewn cydweithrediad â Chymdeithas Max-Plank, Yr Almaen — gyda chymorth crethyll (stickleback) — wedi darganfod y cemegyn sy’n gyfrifol am gwneud rhai dynion yn fwy deniadol na eraill.

Canfu’r ymchwilwyr, mewn astudiaeth o grethyll, bod dynion ag arogl corff sy’n arbennig o ddeniadol i fenywod yn creu symiau bach o brotein, a elwir yn beptidau.

I brofi hyn, creodd yr ymchwilwyr bersawr synthetig yn cynnwys cymysgedd o dameidiau o brotein. Drwy drin y gymysgedd o dameidiau yn y persawr, gellid cynyddu atyniad rhywiol gwrywod. Yn yr arbrawf, nid oedd yr un o’r merched a oedd yn cael eu profi yn gallu gweld y dynion. Roedd hyd yn oed dynion a gafodd eu gwrthod yn flaenorol gan merched gael eu derbyn ar ôl i’r persawr synthetig gael ei ddefnyddio.

Mae arogl yn bwysig wrth ddewis partner, nid yn unig ar gyfer pobl ond hefyd pysgod. I frwydro yn erbyn afiechyd, mae moleciwlau Prif Gymhlygyn Histo-gydweddoldeb (MHC) y corff yn adnabod afiechyd fel goresgynnwr estron. Mae gwahanol foleciwlau MHC yn brwydro yn erbyn gwahanol afiechydon, felly mae’n bwysig cael cymysgedd ohonynt. Mae benywod yn defnyddio arogl i adnabod partneriaid â’r chymysgedd moleciwlau MHC addas, gan ddewis gwrywod sydd â’r gymysgedd gywir o enynnau imiwnedd sy’n hanfodol ar gyfer goroesiad epiloedd yn y dyfodol yn unig.

Yn yr arbrawf, cafodd y merched eu twyllo gan y tameidiau protein i gredu y byddai’r dynion â moleciwlau MHC annigonol yn esgor ar epiloedd â’r nifer ddelfrydol o fathau o MHC. Fodd bynnag, pan ychwanegwyd y persawr at wrywod a oedd eisoes yn argogli’n ddeniadol,

gellid twyllo’r benywod hefyd i gredu bod y gwrywod hyn yn arogli’n afiach gyda gormod o enynnau imiwnedd ar gyfer magu plant.

Meddai Dr Siân Griffiths, Ysgol Biowyddorau Caerdydd: "Gan fod crethyll yn defnyddio’r un moleciwlau i gyfathrebu gwybodaeth am eu system imiwnedd â fertebriaid eraill, gellir ystyried bod yr arbrawf hwn yn bwysig ar gyfer llawer o anifeiliaid, gan gynnwys pobl. Mae pobl wedi defnyddio persawr am filoedd o flynyddoedd. Fodd bynnag, ymddengys y dylai’n dewis o bersawr ddibynnu ar ein genynnau MHC. Efallai bod y canlyniadau hyn yn esbonio pam mae rhai persawrau yn arogli’n dda ar rai pobl ac yn ofnadwy ar eraill."

Meddai’r Athro Thomas Boehm o Gymdeithas Max-Plank: "Mae’r canlyniadau newydd yn codi cwestiwn ynghylch a all pobl hefyd gasglu gwybodaeth am MHC ar sail peptidau ai peidio."

Arogl Swynol

Llun gan Dan Ridler

Gwyddonwyr y Prifysgol yn darganfod y cyfrinach i denu merched

Science

Page 13

May 16 2005

science@gairrhydd.com

SCIENCE TAKES A DIVE Chris Brett investigates Cardiff Scientific Divers’ role in saving the world’s reefs

C

ardiff students have been researching changes in fragile coral reefs, which are coming under increasing pressure from tourism and industry.

The world’s reefs have been likened to the rain forests in their diversity. The oceans contain over half of the Earth’s biomass with coral reefs in tropical seas being home to the majority of these species - particularly nektonic and benthonic genres.

Reefs are incredibly fragile and vulnerable to natural disasters such as hurricanes and tropical storms though many in the pacific are surprisingly resistant to tsunamis (mostly thanks to the nature of energy dispersal in a tsunami wave and the topology of the sea floor to which the reefs are attached).

It would then seem obvious that coral reefs are remarkably sensitive to pollution; they can be "bleached" by changes in salinity, water temperature, pesticides, sedimentation and fertilisers including human waste. It is because of this that students of Cardiff University have been working with Ocean Quest Diving to research the rate of reef bleaching and the amount of damage from anthropogenic influences.

Ocean Quest aims to help scientists and environmentalists gain a basic practical understanding of the challenges faced by underwater surveying; depth perception, balance and the usual capacities we take for granted on land which are difficult under water.

Trainees are also taught to understand the principles of ecological survey work for habitat description and are given the skills to identify major groups of aquatic organisms.

This may just sound like an overly

plush way of getting a project done for a final year dissertation or a cheeky couple of weeks under a foreign sun but it’s so much more.

Biologically active compounds produced by reef dwelling organisms possess antimicrobial and antiviral activity, a source that hasn’t even begun to have been tapped. These compounds may turn out to be important sources for natural product based drugs and medicines. Revenue from tourists attracted to the beauty of coral reefs can also be a significant source of income for human communities in economically deprived areas.

However, these developing countries are major culprits in the destruction of the reefs despite their dependence upon them. Not only do reefs introduce revenue for coastal towns, but they also bring in a large number of un-endangered fish species that can be caught for food. Unfortunately, the cheap techniques employed in mass fishing with crude tools such as cyanide or TNT has a direct impact on a carefully balanced reef symbiosis.

Secondary environmental impacts are having even more devastating effects. In Sharm el Sheik, an Egyptian peninsular in the Red Sea, the region’s coasts are fringed with some of the most dramatic reefs in the world, including the wreck of S.S.Thislegorm, a dive thought of highly by scuba enthusiasts worldwide.

With diving bringing in a huge increase in revenue in the area, developers are cashing in. Aside from the increasing number of tourists in the area and the pollution from a major international airport, the local reefs are meeting even more problems from coastal developments. Beach front hotels shift massive quantities of sedi-

Science in brief

By Chris Matthews

We Want Women

GOING DOWN: Cardiff divers saving the reefs ment onto the local reefs blocking the sun light essential for the coral’s survival.

Winston Churchill once said golf is the best way to spoil a good walk, it seems that it’s also pretty good at spoiling coral reefs. The construction of a new golf course in Sharm is discharging massive quantities of fertilisers through run off water from poorly constructed irrigation systems.

Coral reefs have evolved in a unique and specific environment: the tropical ocean - which surprisingly has fewer

nutrients than any other in the world.

This is down to plants which often consume all available nitrogen and phosphorus - at which point new growth is limited to rates at which these elements are provided by the decomposition of dead organisms.

Tiny increases in nutrients above the near zero level are probably beneficial to corals, but it takes only very small increases to cross the threshold and have negative effects. This is not because high levels of nutrients are toxic to corals, but because corals are quickly overgrown by much faster growing algae which need higher nutrient levels than can normally be found.

Only a subtle increase in nutrients is needed to turn healthy coral reefs into waving fields of algae. This phenomenon is called eutrophication.

Worldwide, the reefs off coastal areas which are densely populated or developed for tourism are already eutrophic or quickly turning so. The entirety of this process can happen very rapidly, and in only a few years healthy reefs can be turned into coral graveyards.

The loss of these ecosystems would be disastrous for scientific communities wishing to exploit them in a sustainable manor and for the countries whose tourist industries depend on them. The Egyptian government have granted Ocean Quest and its divers a licence to work on and around protected reefs in Ras Mohammed National Park, areas that haven’t been dived on for decades in order to assess the impact of onshore developments.

The next field trip will be run in mid June, and will involve setting up a lab on the remote area of coastline as well as assessments of the reef and sea water. Anyone who fancies trying on a red cap and a pair of Speedos can contact Ocean Quest on 0870 24 24 866 or email Cardiff ’s Scientific Diving Society SciDive@cf.ac.uk.

THE UK Resource Centre for Women is urging up to 1000 female scientists to return to the technical jobs for which they are qualified as part of a new campaign.

It comes in the wake of a skills gap in the science, engineering and technological industries caused by the loss of around 50,000 women who are trained in these fields.

The loss has been blamed largely on the barrier which women face after taking a break from work, often to have children. Concern has been heightened as technical industries are facing increased competition from India and China which produce more female graduates and, more importantly, keep them working in their fields.

Reproductive Robots

US SCIENTISTS have created a robot which they say is capable of self replication.

The small robots are made up of three cube shaped modules and can use a series of electromagnets to manoeuvre other modules to form a complete robot.

The whole process takes little more than a minute and, although only a simple demonstration, the creators hope that the technology will progress to allow robots to selfrepair, reproduce and even redesign themselves to become more efficient at completing a given task.

Writing In Nature magazine, the science team said they hoped that the experiment proved that reproduction was not a phenomenon unique to biology.

Sweet Potatoes

A TYPE OF genetically modified potato could provide a solution to vaccination problems in third world countries.

The GM potato, produced by scientists at Arizona University, has been engineered to provide protection against Hepatitis B, which kills over a million people each year.

Early tests show that a significant number of people who ate raw chunks of the potato developed antibodies against the Hepatitis virus.

It is hoped that this method of drug delivery, which doesn’t require refrigeration, could help make vaccination in developing countries more widespread and ultimately reduce instances of fatal diseases.

Media

Page 14

May 16 2005

media@gairrhydd.com

Student Media Awar All the winners and celebrations as well as

By Bec Storey Media Editor and Heather Casey Deputy Media Editor

C

ardiff University’s Student media was out in force to celebrate a year of hard work on Saturday night as Jamie Owen of BBC Wales fame drew the year to a close at the Welsh Capital’s Hilton Hotel.

The annual awards are an event to recognise the dedication, time and effort Cardiff students put in to ensure Cardiff university has the best selection of student media around.

Society members and winners alike from the Film and Photography society, Xpress radio and gair rhydd, carried on their celebrations until the early hours in an specially decorated Seren Las. Like all award ceremonies worth their salt, the token hecklers and drunken antics of sloshed Union executives were only upstaged by the quirky interpretations of ‘black tie’ and those dropping their awards at the aftershow party.

Judging this year was carried out by a whole host of stars from the industry.

Special thanks must go to ex-editor of Q Magazine, Andrew Collins, who judged four categories. There was also an appearance from ex-Xpress Radio Station manager, Hiten Vaghmaria, who judged Best Media Innovation.

The judges praised the high standards of gair rhydd and Quench, who have both achieved national recognition this year, by commenting on “Winners going beyond the boundaries normally associated with student journalism” and those who have “Accomplished things which many editors would be proud to have a home for.”

Michael Bywater, a columist from The Independent, judged Best

Jamie Owen: Raconteur

Columist which was won by Matt Hill.

Hill is a 3rd year Journalism student, who hopes to go onto a career in creative writing: “I’m really chuffed and surpised by this award. It was a fantasic way to end my final year and the evening was brilliant.”

Media Desk Awards Best Speech: Ian Loynd “I’d like to thank my first sexual partner Riath...”

Best Heckle: Geordie with: “James Cole!”

Best Drunk: Paul Dicken, closey followed

by Lisa Gwinnett Drawing in Judges from Vibe 101, Radio One, and Wise Buddha, Xpress radio’s range of awards demonstrated why it is one of the leading student radio stations in the country. Judges said "entrants have standards good enough to break into commerical radio" and "demonstrate a vibrant mix

of passion and talent."

Emily Dicks, who won best Specialist for her show ‘Global Journeys’, commented: "It does huge credit to Xpress Radio when three shows, massively different from what most people assume students listen to, gain true recognition for their diversity."

Head of Mainstream Programming Aimi Bisco added: “People always assume its easy to present on the radio and it was my objective, along with my dedicated team, to ensure the Xpress Radio standards remained high this year.”

One of the stars of the evening was Technical head of Xpress Radio, Greg Sheppard. The 22-year-old Electronic Engineering student equalled his success from last year by collecting Best Media Innovation for his team.

Sheppard also received the new Xpress Radio Lifetime achievement award. Created by this year’s Station Manager Tom Wellingham, it was to congratulate Greg’s ongoing work “Above and beyond any call of duty.”

The third appearance for the film society at the awards was met with praise for work "better than some transmitted programs on digital channels" said the judges.

The growing society gives Cardiff students the chance to watch and review a range of alternative films.

Also enabling student film makers the chance to write, produce, and direct their own films.

This year’s Best Short Film went to Louis Grover, for ‘Hip Hop Down Under’, which Judge Dewi Wyn Williams from S4C described as "A truly magical piece of work, very professional”.

Nicola Tanner, the societies President explained: "The Media Awards are important to the film society as it allows members to enter their own short film, reviews or screenplays in open competition."

The Photography Society’s second appearance at the awards saw Catherine McMahon take Best

Photographer.

Judge Dave Daggers said: "The winner demonstrated impeccable dark room techniques and skilled night photography.” The society’s trained 60 members producing a range of creative compositions from the dark rooms on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

Editor, Gary Andrews, congratulated all the winners from saturday night and thanked Jamie Owen, whose charm and humour entertained the would-be journalists for the evening.

So as the drunken photographs are developed, and as coursework is finished, we will be crossing our fingers for Cardiff Student Media at this year’s national awards.

Driver: And the exit is on my right.....

Persistence pays off for ‘next Jo Whiley’

By Heather Casey Deputy Media Editor

S

aturday night saw 19-year-old Rhiannon Fitzgerald take Xpress Radio’s Best Presenter Award.

Setting her on her way to achieving her ideal job as the next Jo Whiley, Rhiannon was suprised, but extremely happy about taking the award.

As a first year Language and Culture Criticism student, Rhiannon demonstrates you don’t need to be doing journalism to be a part of, or passionate about, radio. The self confessed chatterbox commented: "I’ve always been intrigued by the media, particularly radio as I’ve grown up with my parents listening to a lot of talk radio, like BBC Radio 4.” Her natural path for a radio career is completed with her passion for her RnB and Soul music, she added: "Radio seemed like just the right thing.”

At the age of 13, the Wootton Basset girl, started hospital radio, before moving on to Swindon FM. Here she had a temporary classical music show, but moved to bigger things at BBC Swindon and Wiltshire. Throughout her A-levels, Rhiannon volunteered from 6.30 am to midday as a broadcast assistant, soon after became a paid producer of an afternoon show during her Easter holidays.

Rhiannon told gair rhydd her secret of getting into radio: "Its just about being really persistant. I’ve been a pain sending hundreds of emails saying ‘I have three weeks of holiday, let me help’ and eventually when my boss needed a producer I was there."

With huge gratitude to Aimi Bisco,

Head of Mainstream this year, Rhiannon added: "Aimi’s been awesome this year, she’s always been there, even at 7.30am when I rang her to tell her the computer had crashed!"

Rhiannon’s show, The Gloss, broadcast 11.30-1pm on a Wednesday, was a development of ‘the weekend hang-

Fitzgerald: The first of many awards to come?

over’. A show, Rhiannon and producer Shamina Mohamed, had in the wee hours of the weekend after the first Xpress broadcast in October. Like a glossy magazine, it brings you the latest celeb gossip, sports news and, of course, all the essential student information.

In terms of next year, Rhiannon hopes to get more involved in the station: "I’ve loved being at Xpress this year, but my timetable this year didn’t let me do as much as I wanted. I want to get into audio production next year for sure.”

When asked about executive positions for her final year, she revealed: "I’m thinking about running for Head of Mainstream in my 3rd year.”

Her long term plans in radio after graduation will be to get a foot in the door with contacts at BBC Wales and Red Dragon. After that her dream of becoming the next Jo Whiley, or indeed a Blue Peter presenter, shouldn’t be out of reach for this determined winner.

Enjoying her first Cardiff Student Media Awards, the Best Presenter added: "The Hilton was a nice posh venue, there was a great atmosphere back in Seren Las and the whole evening was well organised, giving proper recognition to those students who work hard throughout the year.”

Media

May 16 2005

Page 15

media@gairrhydd.com

ds Ceremony 2005 a round up of the year’s media maneuvers Media officer Gary Andrews rounds up his sabbatical year as editor of gair rhydd - the good and the bad.

B

eing editor has been one of the most amazing, but also one of the hardest, jobs I've ever done in my life.

I've barely slept this year. Normally I'm in the office at half past nine and if I'm out before half past six I'm doing well. On Thursdays (gair rhydd deadline days) I snatch an hour or two here and there but by and large I don't sleep.

Essentially I really have given a year of my life to this job. It's all worth it when you see the finished paper the next morning and working on each new edition gives you such a buzz.

One of the best things about being editor is the people I get to work with.

I've met so many different people through working on the paper and I've made so many good friends who I'm going to be very sorry to say goodbye to.

Everybody who has worked on the paper has made gair rhydd and Quench what they are this year.

There are so many talented and dedicated people that work on this paper that it would be very difficult to single out one or two people for special praise.

Nonetheless I'd just like to mention Elaine Morgan, my PA, who regularly goes well beyond the call of duty and without whom the paper would be totally and utterly lost.

I think the highlights of the year have been when we've published stories that have made a difference.

The open door policy story we ran at the begining of the year, when we exposed security failings at University halls of residence, is still one of my favourites.

We're hoping for something similar with the ‘Inject the Funds’ campaign.

Obviously winning Best Paper and winning Best Student Publication when Jim (Anthony) took Quench to the Emap Fanzine Awards were fantastic moments, although Best Paper especially was down to Tristan Thomas and Alex Macpherson. Hopefully it's a success we can repeat come November.

Of course there have been some low points as well. You have to be very thick skinned as people rarely praise something like gair rhydd.

It's also been difficult to manage 50 section editors, all of whom are volunteers. That was something I've never done before and has probably been one of the biggest challenges.

For me though, there were two low points. The first was around Christmas time. I'd barely stopped working for nearly four months, had done 11 issues straight and was totally and utterly drained, both physically and mentally.

I felt so knackered that I really didn't want to go back to work and was seri-

ously considering whether I wanted to stay on or not.

The other worst point was when our computers failed on a Thursday night, meaning we had to pull the paper for one week - I can't recall the last time an editor had to do this.

We'd been having technical issues for a while, unbeknown to us there was an intermittent error on the server hard disk. I had put this down to some teething troubles with some new hardware we had installed.

Needless to say on the Thursday night everything died and we couldn't save any work. We were actually going backwards and it became quite clear that it was impossible to get a paper out. I was absolutely gutted and took it very hard indeed.

Hopefully the paper can only go from strength to strength. Our design has really improved over the last two years.

This year I've made it a mission to go through the writing with a fine tooth-comb in effort to make our writing as good as anything you would read in the local or national papers.

Of course there's always room for improvement, but I've got a lot of condfidence in next year's team.

It's a pain having to lose this years editorial team, but we've got just the right combination of experience and

News scoop top award

By Bec Storey Media Editor

T

he all impor tant award for Best Section at this years prestigious Cardiff Media Awards has been scooped by the gair rhydd news team.

The team, consisting of Paul

Dicken, Will Talmage, Dave Doyle and Matt Wilkin, are a common sight around the gair rhydd off ice, especially in the early hours of Friday morning, when they are still hard at work on the stories that are about to break.

The category was judged by Meririon Jones from BBC Newsnight, who was also the f irst

NEWS: Smashing job, smashed award & editors

paid editor of the gair ryhdd.

He said: “Perhaps one of the most recognised sections of any paper, the gair rhydd news editors won due to their well written, entertaining style and the importance of the information that they supply to Cardiff students.”

Editor, Matt Wilkin, 3 rd year English Language student said: “We were all absolutely delighted to win the best section award, and to receive it certainly made all those late nights putting the section together well worth it.”

Fellow editor, Dave Doyle, also a 3 rd year English student was ‘delighted by the award’ and glad that all the hard work was recognised, but was eager to point out “it wouldn’t mean anything or have been possible without the other guys”.

All the news editors also want to thank everyone that contributed to the news section: “Our success owes much to the outstanding commitment of our contributors, and Gary’s constant guidance.”

Next years news editors, Dan Ridler, Charissa Coulthard, Perri Lewis and Carroline Farwell will now have a tough act to follow.

Gary Andrews (left): In a more relaxed moment fresh-faced enthusiasm for next year.

The recent Media Awards were fantastic and Jamie Owen was a brilliant host. The event just keeps getting bigger and better.

I'll still be around next year to keep an eye on next years Media Officer Tom Wellingham as I'm going back to university to do a Postgraduate Diploma in Broadcast Journalism, so I'll be running my eye over the paper every Monday morning in Bute.

Right now though, I really want to focus on my long-term career aim of getting into the broadcast journalism industry. There have been highs and lows during the year but I wouldn't

swap it for the world. I would have regretted not running for Media Officer - I’d still be thinking ‘what if’ had I decided not to run.

I'm realistic enough to know that breaking into journalism is a very tough thing to do and I'm under no illusions as to the large hill I still have to climb to get there.

To be honest, just getting into the BBC will be enough for me - I've never had a wish to be flashing a grin to the news cameras every night. I'd rather be running things behind the scenes.

Although if I'm really dreaming I'd love to earn enough to retire to Devon and own Exeter City.

And the winners are... gair rhydd Best Designer: Craig Driver

Best Interview: Will Dean

Best Columist: Matt Hill Best Sports Writer: John Stanton Best Feature Writer: David Adams Best Photographer: Luke Pavey Best Critic: Craig Driver Best News Writer: Paul Dicken Best Section: News

Xpress Radio Best Newcomer: Ben Wright Best Media Innovation: The Tech Team Best Interview: Jen Long Best News Reporter: Justin Jeffreys (above)

Best Feature: Justin Jeffreys, Woodville Road Best Specialist Show: Emily Dicks Best Mainstream Show: Tim Vizard Best Presenter: Rhiannon Fitzgerald

Film Society Best Film Review: Sean St. Jean Sideways Best Screen Play: Ryan Owen

Best Film: Louis Grover, Hip Hop Down Under

Jobs & Money

Page 16

May 16 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Graduate with a first in finance

By Carly O’Donnell Jobs and Money Editor

M

any of us will graduate in just over a month. We’ll collect our scrolls, wear a silly hat and reminisce about the last three years. The student bubble will burst and we’ll be out in the big wide world, so what happens next?

Well, we’ll need some money for starters and there’s no student loan coming our way. Luckily for us, banks realise we’re skint/ unemployed/ enjoy sitting on our arses and offer graduate accounts. Nice.

Since graduate numbers began rising in the late 80s/90s, more and more banks and building societies have offered specific graduate accounts.

These usually include an interest-free overdraft, credit card and other incentives to help you get on your feet.

As with most things money related, shop around for the best deal, although bear in mind that some banks and building societies won't let you open an account if you haven't been banking with them during your undergraduate days. It's also worth noting that you may not be eligible for a graduate account if you leave it too long to apply.

Most banks and building societies offer an interest-free overdraft however, unlike student accounts, these overdrafts are generally only offered for a limited time.

While overdrafts are a good way of consolidating some of your debt, remember that they ultimately have to be paid off.

We compared some of the offers form the major high street banks to get you started, but remember credit rates are subject to a consultation with your bank.

1) An overdraft of up to £2,000 in the first year after you graduate; £1,000 in the second year; and £500 in the third year.

2)A graduate loan which you can repay over a period of up to five years on loans up to and including £10,000, and up to seven years for loans between £10,100 and £15,000 (loans for the purpose of refinance can only be for a maximum of five years).

1) Initial £200 interest-free overdraft on account opening, with further interest-free limits available up to £2,000 available for up to three years after completing your studies, depending on year of graduation: Year 1: Up to £2,000 Year 2: Up to £1,250 Year 3: Up to £500.

2) Apply to extend your overdraft over your interest-free amount up to £3,000.

3)Graduate Relationship Managers in selected branches.

4) VISA Connect card with daily withdrawal limit of £300.

1) An interest-free overdraft* of up to £2,000 in your first year since graduation, £1,500 in the second and £1,000 in the third year, 2) A low cost loan of up to £10,000 with the added option of our loan protection in case you can't make the payments, 3) A Classic credit card with a limit of at least £500

Postcards from the Real World

n from gree in Fashion Desig o years ago with a de tw d ate du gra I llo, He decided the d to do. I had already Manchester University. to decide what I wante d way. trie the d an all ck go ba to k me too ca e I had what it liev I’m from Cardiff so I be n't did t and feed I ren e, tiv my eti pay too comp enough money to g kin ma job lous fashion industry was far to job lly y ty and I felt rea jea g from temporar I spent 6 months movin . I met up with a few friends from universi simply drifting from idea fetish I was career plans whereas my ever growing shoe at they all had detailed wh ew kn all y the use beca police, nursing, different careers...the m fro ew h kn I to idea. le op pe the idea of working wit to friends and e. I particularly liked for I spent time speaking be t ou ab ht ug tho never really designing...jobs I had it. I went home on the a child myself. of bit a I’m as sive school and loved en en reh childr mp co al loc a h rience wit I did some work expe e. this been great. I’ll qualify teachers training cours a for d plie ap d an day en’t looked back, it’s hav last d an er mb pte Se IC in to I started training at UW cher in a local school.

In fact I couldn’t wait job as a technology tea a t ge ly ful pe ho d when I was younger. an me oth July h to d wit ale gy pe olo ap hn t tec tha career on for design and ssi pa my g iliTeaching was never a rin xib sha fle t d ou realise I’m really excited ab out as a fresher but I’ve leave school, but now fashion job I dreamt ab red we po h hig the be t ge ers. It may no ange, your talents chan ating. were eighteen. You ch for you ty is crucial after gradu ht en rig wh ls de fee ma at wh you e plan decid Your life won’t follow the d that’s not a bad thing. Take your time to ge an an ch s tie ori pri r you and perfect job is out there. you and remember the Lisa Stevens Wish you were here?

FINANCIAL GRADUATES:Coming to a bank near you

1) The interest-free overdraft which will reduce each year, as you start to earn more and need an overdraft less: In your first year after graduation up to £1,500 In your second year after graduation up to £1,000 In your third year after graduation up to £500.

2) Get a graduate loan at a preferential rate**.

3) Available up to five years after you graduate.

Loans up to £25,000 at competitive rates with repayment terms of up to eight years.

Zap that crap

W

aste, rubbish and litter.

Hardly the stuff dreams are made of but believe it or not recycling and waste management are amongst the fatest growing employment sectors in the UK. Dealing with other people’s crap may not sound like the most exciting of careers but try to think of yourself as a modern day Captain Planet. You’ll be a hero, as you fight to bring pollution down to zero. Oh, yes you remember the song too.

The government estimates that as

many as 45,000 jobs will be created by 2010 due to waste busting legislation so it’s the best time to get your hands dirty.

If your interested in helping to keep our planet green, or seriously have no idea what you’re going to do post july, check out the recycling and waste management exhibition at the NEC in Birmingham from 13 to 15 September.

You can seek one to one careers advice from industry professionals or attend one of the many thirty minute workshops including project management, communications and employment law.

Entry to the exibition and workshops is free of charge and over 350 companies are expected to attend the event.

For more information contact the Birmingham NEC or visit www.rwmexhibition.com

Jobs & Money

May 16 2005

Page 17

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Top-up fees Universities are convinced students are “confused” over top-up fees, failing to acknowledge additional support availble.

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Swydd/Job:

A

s students currently at University we have been lucky enough to escape the much feared and controversial top-up fees that have plagued the headlines for some time.

Those of us with younger siblings or friends who are set to enter university in 2006 will be more familiar with the worry and panic this new policy has caused, which is that tuition fees, currently at £1, 150 could rise to a maximum of £3000 per year.

Top-up fees will vary from course to course and the price you pay will also depend on the institution.

Generally, courses in science and engineering will be more expensive due to equipment costs, whereas courses such as English and psychology will be cheaper.

Yet universities insist that there is "widespread confusion" over Top-Up fees, and are worried that students have failed to receive the message that, although fees may be increasing, there is, at the same time, increased support available to students. They are worried that this confusion might deter youngsters from applying to university.

"An immediate priority for the minister must be to ensure that potential students and their parents and advisers understand the financial support arrangements that accompany the introduction of deferred fees in 2006," said Baroness Warwick.

"We do not believe that young people know how much money there is available to support them through university, nor that they won’t have to pay until they have graduated and are earning at least £15,000 a year."

This system of deferred payment of tuition fees means that students will no longer have to hand over the money for fees when they are at university.

Instead, they will have repayments deducted directly each month from their salaries by the Inland Revenue.

Repayments would then be a minimum of 9% of earnings per year.

While the debate on tuition fees has publicised the negative consequences of such a policy, the universities say that the more complex package of subsidies and support has not been communicated properly to students.

This support includes means-tested non-repayable grants from the government of up to £2,700 per year, and the launching of means-tested bursaries from universities, ranging from £1,000 to £5000 per year.

Some universities have, however,

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage:

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration:

warned about the potential problems that part-time students will face.

They will still have to pay their fees whilst studying, an issue not addressed by any of the major parties during the election. These universities comprise more than four in every 10 of those in higher education.

USA At least minimum wage and + depending on positions TBC Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: June 1st – September/October Manylion/Details: IST Plus Work and Travel USA programme offers the opportunity to finance your summer holiday travels while experiencing true American culture in the way no tourist ever can!

Essential requirements: Full time university student returning to full time education in the autumn.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 120

Top-up fees will hit part-time students hardest

Swydd/Job:

USA Camp Councellor & Support Staff USA Ardal/Area: Dependent on age and experiTal/Wage: ence Flexible Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Leaving between May 19th and June 30th Manylion/Details: Duties: Camp Counsellor: Instructor of an activity (sports, arts, life-guarding) and responsible for a group of children ranging from age 6 - 16.

Support Staff: Kitchen, maintenance, office work.

Essential requirements: Over 18, enthusiasm, patience, fun, love of children, confidence, flexibility.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 122

Swydd/Job:

Students protest top-up fees

By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor

Work and Travel USA

The introduction of top-up fees in 2006 will hit part-time students - that is, 41% of those in higher education the hardest.

Not only will part-timers have to pay up to £3,000 a year for their tuition they will also be denied the priviledge that full-time students will have of deferring their payments.

This policy could see part-time students having to pay £1,500 up-front for their fees, something universities are concerned may deter future students from applying.

For many people from poorer backgrounds, full-time study has always been difficult and, after 2006, it will be even more so.

For these students and others who may have missed the opportunity to go to university first time round, parttime study is the only available option for career or personal development.

A survey from the Department for Education and Skills showed that almost two thirds of part-time students have full-time jobs. Many may also have caring and family commitments during the daytime. Their wages will now have to stretch beyond house, home and family to accommodate fees as well.

Professor David Latchman, Pro Vice chancellor for Strategy, Planning and External Affairs of the Open University attacks the government on this issue: “There are no benefits to Higher Education in having an impoverished part-time sector. The government needs to take a broad view of the whole sector rather than concentrate on one element to the disadvantage of others.”

A spokeswoman from the Department for Education and Skills commented that it was because the government had increased the amount of funding available to help parttimers from £18m to £37m in 2003 to 2004.

Open University and Birkbeck are calling on the Government to conduct an urgent funding review of part-time higher education so part-time institutes such as these can continue to reach students which traditional universities miss.

Hospitality Staff

Cardiff/Newport £5 p/hr 8 hrs per day for 4 days Thursday 2nd June – Sunday 5th June Manylion/Details: 70 X Hospitality staff (Food and Beverage Assistants) required for the Wales Golf Open at the Celtic Manor.

Essential requirements: Friendly hard working and available for the 4 days. Excellent presentation, good customer service and previous experience an advantage but not essential.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 125

Freewheel Host

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration:

Austria/Switzerland £170 p/wk Flexible, Daytime Start-end of June/early June 4-8 weeks Manylion/Details: Hosts are required to provide information and support to guests, to meet them at airports and stations, transfer luggage and liase with hotels. You should have a mature outlook, speak proficient German or French, possess a full driving licence, have a pleasant personality and knowledge of bicycle maintenance.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

124

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Free Stuff

May 16 2005

Page 19

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

LET THE FORCE BE WITH YOU ONE OF the most eagerly awaited films of all time is about to hit Ster Century’s giant screens. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is finally released on Thursday 19 May, over 25 years since George Lucas’s first ever Star Wars film spawned one of the most successful film franchises ever.

So make the most of this one-off cinematic event and make sure you enjoy Star Wars Episode III at its very best – on the biggest screen with state-of-the-art projection and sound, from a really comfy seat at Ster Century Cinemas.

After three long years of fighting, The Clone Wars are nearly over. The Jedi Council dispatches Obi-Wan to bring General Grievous to justice. In Coruscant, Chancellor Palpatine's power is growing and he reveals the prom-

ised secrets of the Force to Anakin Skywalker and tries to lure him to the dark side.

To win one of ten pairs of tickets to see Star Wars Episode III at its best - on the biggest screen, with state-of-the-art projection and sound, from a really comfy seat with loads of legroom at Ster Century Cinemas, simply answer this question: Who directed Star Wars? a). Ridley Scott b). Martin Scorsese c). George Lucas Enter in the usual way.

Pro-Revision SuperChunk ONCE AGAIN, my angelic self is helping you all out with your revision. I hope you all appreciate it. My degree is going absolutely tits-up while I sit in this office and generously give away free stuff to you all.

Anyway, I digress. You may remember your parents nagging you: "what you don’t know by now you’ll never know" and advising you to get an early night before an exam. Well, new research shows that they might have been wrong all along - last minute revision really does pay.

Research from Pro Plus, the anti-tiredness remedy, shows that, despite planning their revision, two thirds of students admit to cramming before an exam. Of those who crammed, 81% believed it actually improved their exam results. In fact, 70% of students said something they had looked over whilst cramming had come up in their exam.

The Pro Plus research also shows that the top revision break activity is watching day-

And the winner is…

time TV, with Neighbours as the most popular choice of programme. To help you work out exactly what your revision break should be, Pro Plus has developed a revision reward fruit machine. Visit www.revisionreward.co.uk to see if you are entitled to enjoy a half hour session of Countdown, a cup of tea or a drink in your local with mates.

To help us students get through exams Pro Plus is giving away a revision reward pack containing an Ipod Shuffle, the study guide How To Pass Exams by Dominic O’Brien, a PlayStation game, cinema and bowling tickets and a chocolate bar – all in a record bag.

To enter simply answer the following question: What is the name of the eight times Memory World Champion? (Clue: he wrote the study aid in the Pro Plus pack.)

Enter in the usual way.

AS THE famous Guinness advert said, the best things come to those who wait. I do believe we have waited quite long enough. You dance fans will be pleased to know that Superchunk are finally back.

On May 20, with some more familiar faces and stomping sounds, they are bringing Superchunk back to where it all started, The Red Rooms.

Their guest of honour for this eagerly anticipated night will be none other than FC Kahuna. Dan and Jon Kahuna, the duo behind club stompers ‘Glitterball’ and ‘Nothing is Wrong’ will be playing a three hour set and are looking forward to playing to you knowledgeable Cardiff lot. Currently riding the wave of success for their album Machine Says Yes, FC Kahuna will be showcasing their talents and you can expect a lot of exclusives from these great producers too. Backed up by residents Andy Howells, the Tiny Twins and the Chunk Brother, you, ladies and gentlemen, are in for a treat.

The middle floor of The Red Rooms will be hosted by Dexercise and it will showcase a few of the many up and coming DJs currently on the Cardiff scene, all making their Superchunk debut.

Downstairs in the basement, as always, is The Gate House. Resident Fixed Rate will be inviting a few friends along for a breaks party with a difference. Special invites this month went out to Matt James,

Larry Nelson and Pete the Beat. You’re all invited too, so why not show your face and maybe stay a while for some mashed up breaks madness?

So the date to remember is May 20 2005, the place to remember is The Red Rooms and the name to remember is Superchunk. It’s that easy. Check out www.superchunk.co.uk for more details. To win yourself a free pair of tickets all you have to do is answer this super easy question.

What is the date to remember?

Enter in the usual way.

FC Kahuna: what’s with stern DJs?

CONGRATS TO Alvin Lai who has won himself a lovely tequila pack and to Jenna Jordan who has won herself a bottle of black After Shock for posing in a Ninja Turtle outfit. If I ever get any space I’ll get the picture in, it’s hilarious. Also congrats to Elen Phillips for winning herself some Ability Software and finally to Nicola Herwin, who has won the XXXtreme sweetie competition. You have enough caffiene there to last a lifetime. I will contact you all when your prizes are ready so sit tight.

If you fancy any of the lovely stuff on the page this week simply email me at the above address, and don’t forget to give your full name in the email. Otherwise you won’t win. Good luck, my lovelies.

Many more great competitions coming up next week, from free tickets to theme parks and festivals to much other commercial fun, so keep reading.

Award-Winning Television

May 16 2005

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mrloverman@shabba.com

This week’s gamekeeper to the TV hippo: May 16 - May 22 2005

Oh I Wish It Could Be Titmuss Every Day It’s An Abi-Fab Week as TV Get Wrecked on Celebrity Love Island

HOT

Poppers Who can forget the thrill of your first sniff of amylnitrate? Not me that’s for sure, whether its sitting round at Leeds festival with 18 of your mates thinking you’re hard, or sitting out the back of the Union with Coheed & Cambria, poppers rock!

SOAPS Looks like Boyd’s gone for a vacation down in mental city in Neighbours (Weekdays 1.40pm, 5.35pm BBC1) what with his taking steroids and dabbling with bulimia. Don’t do it sunshine.

What a hideous combination.

Elsewhere, the worlds worst kept secret, Little Mo and Alfie in Eastenders, (I wasn’t even aware it WAS a secret until glancing at the Radio Times just then), looks set to blow up later in the week. I used to like Little Mo, with her various misfortunes and innocent charms, but since when has she been a womanising baggage who gets tasty with her sisters husband? The whole thing stinks of gross implausibility. This week, they get passionate in the Vic. Urgh, it’s enough to make a Hoyland sick.

It’s been a slow week for TV Desk. The fact that six of us couldn’t finish until the wee hours of the morning officially makes us losers of the week. Aside from that, this week sees the beginning of the new, never-done-before reality TV show featuring our one and only Abi Titmuss. Evidently she’s being paid to go to an island to have sex with random celebrities. We reckon all the persuasion she needed was £15 in her thong and a cheeky slap on the arse. Other jewels in the crown of this show are Simon from Blue, Sol from Hollyoaks, Fran Cosgrave, Jackie Degg (well known page three girl) and Canon and Ball.

This will be one of those shows that unsuspectingly takes over your entire life, until the new Big Brother starts. Celebrity Love Island starts on Monday, 9pm and continues to scar our screens every night this week.

My second pick has to be Pioneer House (C4, Sunday, 8pm), a more upmarket and class reality TV show, which, like dog shit, are everywhere over the next few weeks. Some ‘colonists’ are sent to a New World colony to start their new life and discover the new challenges facing them. Basically, there will be tears, arguments and fights over who gets to be the President and the ruler of all. It would be much more exciting if there is a spooky Village twist and as families are voted out they are actually brutally murdered in the forests surrounding t h e town.

TV Grace’s Guide to Life Greetings pop pickers. Here are my pearls of wisdom: Never insult a bouncer. Always buy cigarettes for a chav when asked. Green sweets are always the worst. If you drink the punch you will most definately get drunk. Always wrap your cheese up in clingfilm. Never stand barefoot on popcorn. Hold the door open for people. Always check the chair/bench/step/knee you are about to sit on for dirt/chewing gum/bird poo before you park your behind. Having once sat in a puddle of tramp piss, I can assure you this is an essential piece of advice. Type quicker. Use two hands. Never attempt to type when desperate for the toilet. Do something that scares you everyday. Dance. Your body is wonderful. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It’s the greatest tool you will ever own. Look after your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone. Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead. Sometimes you’re behind. Worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. So chill out, and revise only when you feel the urge. Grace xxxx

NOT

Cannabis Anyone who w a t c h e d Newsnight last Thursday will know full well that Cannabis Is Bad. Well we knew that anyway, all we had to do is listen to a few Cyprus Hill albums, that’s enough to put anyone off. And let’s not get started on TV John’s cannabis leaf hat.

In all honesty though, what would you rather watch? Old middle class men having a mid life crisis or Abi Titmuss having sex?

TV Willy here (yowch!) a boring night in by myself on Tuesday night tricked me into watching Deep Jungle (ITV Tuesday, 8pm). And reet good it were too. If moonwalking birds aren’t your thing then you obviously need your retinas removed by a poisonous jungle snake. Check it out. Scrubs is back on Friday at 8pm on Channel 4. Anyone who has watched it before will know how good it is. Too good for a primetime American sitcom anyway. Zach Braff of TV-Willy-loves Garden State-fame plays the title role with the exasperated look that I normally give when it

gets to this time of the night.

Shamon. Catch you later guys!

Just when you thought the darling Abi was only on Celebrity Love Island this week, then you’re wrong, loser!

There’s also a complimentary documentary on C4 too, namely Abi Titmuss: A Tale of Morality (9pm).

Personally, I can’t see any moral wrongdoing at all. If the leg-cellent lady wants to quit her job helping the sick and needy of the United Kingdom to get saucy with John “Squeal of Fortune” Leslie and waggle her ass about in Zoo magazine, I don’t see what the problem is here. The problem with madame Titmuss is however, when the redtop lad mags offer a “life-size poster” of the audacious one, and it ends up only coming up to my shoulders. Pull the other one, she’s a lanky stepladder-legged tart, she’s not 4”9 you con artists. xxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Fock This Shit.

The oh-so hilarious sequel to the oh-so hilarious ‘Meet the Parents’ is set to make us laugh all the way to the DVD shelves this week. In ‘Meet the Fockers’ Ben Stiller tests his acting ability to the hilt by playing an embarassed loser who gets into rib tickling scrapes which are not only embarassing, but also rib tickling as well. Robert De Niro stars as Stiller’s girlfriend’s dad’s friends uncle, and also tests his acting ability and succeeds in turning a humour-resistant script into the sort of performance you could wipe your arse on and end up scratching the skin off your buttocks. Rib tickling embarassing japes rocking the shop this time include cat piss, dog piss and several streaky shades of piss in the performances of walking Nose-job advert Dustin Hoffman and Barbara “The Beast” Streisand. Apparently this is the first film they worked together on. Not quite Al Pacino and De Niro in Heat is it, eh? I estimate the current count of puns on the word “fuck” to be escalating into triple figures.

Quadruple figures if you include the blatant excuse to swear operated by the tabloids five months ago, and if you include the shitty little headline you see above, quadruple-figures-plus-one.

Alternatively, you could go and visit your own parents. Now they’re fuckers.

SPORT For those of you already missing the football season (that won’t be you Southampton fans) you’ll be pleased to know the FA Cup Final between Arsenal and Malcolm Glazer’s Stretford Red Sox (formerly ManUre) is on this Saturday. Catch it on BBC1 from Midday, with Lineker, Hansen, Schmiecal etc.

FILMS George C. Scott’s superbulous performance as in Patton is on Saturday night at 12.30. Well worth a watch. If you are out at Come Play or related student arsery then feel free to come round to TV Willy’s and borrow the DVD library. But don’t steal it.

That’d be rude!

RADIO Lock up your daughters! Or rather, lock them outside so they can’t get anywhere near their radio to listen to the shower of pseudo-horror gash that will undoubtedly be Alice Cooper Pretending He’s Still a Rebellious Youth and Therefore Is a Legitimate Guest on Radio 1’s The Lock Up (9pm Tuesday).

The normally reliable (last weeks Alkaline Trio special was top notch) Lock Up doesn’t need this crap. Like Alice Cooper was ever punk rock anyway.

On Monday nights Lamacq Live (Radio 1 9pm) everyones favourite hairy arsed pirates the Kings of Leon play a live set from Oxford Brooks University.

Thoroughly unspectacular, altthough I’ve been to the venue at Oxford Brookes a couple of times, and if they even manage to find a plug socket to record it, it’ll be a miracle.

Monday

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May 16 - 22 2005

robbedagain@bestsection.tv

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.20 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 Surviving the Moment of Impact Starring Abi Titmuss 9.00 The Contender 10.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned According to their mothers.

10.30 Celebrity Love Island Sounds like a dyslexic PR campaign for Irish tourism. 11.00 Coronation Street 11.30 Coronation Street 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 2.00 Champions League Weekly 2.25 World Rally Championship 3.15 Teleshopping 5.15 ITV2 Nightscreen I’m not entirely sure what a nightscreen is. This may be something to do with us having a TV Desk piss-up since 5pm. It’s TV Holly’s fault. Being an alcoholic and all.

19.00 Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World For next week...your mix tape suggestions... best eleven suggestions and we’ll make a TV Desk compilation and post copies to the winner signed by all 18 members of TV desk. Or just the CD if you’d prefer. You probably would.

20.30 Cover Stories: Vanity Fair starring Jules Thorpe-Smith 21.00 Speer and Hitler: The Devil's Architect Unsurprisingly this is more about Hitler’s fascination with fast cars than amphetamines. Shame.

22.30 The O U Lecture 23.30 Cover Stories: Vanity Fair 12.00 Hot Spots: Iran 01.00 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise Series following President Jagdeo of Guyana and his cabinet over six months. I presume this means his ministerial cabinet rather than his wooden furniture. 01.30 Days That Shook the World 02.30 Cover Stories: Vanity Fair 03.00 Hot Spots: Iran I’m not a big fan of the funniest thing on this page being written by Geordie (see Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned).

2:00 The O.C. 3:00 The Next Joe Millionaire 3:55 Switched 4:25 Hollyoaks 5:00 Fiends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Without A Trace Jack and his squad search for a neurosurgeon who disappeared after a nighttime jog in the city with her ex-husband. She probably lost her head.

7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends I wish Channel 4 would show some more repeats of old Friends episodes. I’m beginning to really miss it.

9:00 Smallville 10:00 Fool Around… with Nadia I’d rather eat my own face.

10:30 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 11:00 Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights 12:05 Smallville 1:00 4 Go Dating: Bridezillas 1:25 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 1:55 Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights 2:25 Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights 2:55 The O.C. The jumper TV Willy has on is supposed to make him look like Seth Cohen. It makes him look more like a cinema seat.

Apparently.

029 20229977

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06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss 06.50 Peppa Pig 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Ebb and Flo 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.25 Franklin 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm 15.50 Film: "Big Jim McLain" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Sally grows more suspicious of Josie's strange behaviour. Well if you will headbutt brick walls...

18.30 Family Affairs Pete struggles to believe that Trish is carrying his child. Well, if you will have 25-stone babies!

19.00 five news 19.15 Storm Adventure: Into the Tornado 20.00 Massive Machines 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 Born without a Face: Extraordinary People Starring Michael Jackson.

Bo! 22.00 The Woman Swamped by Her Own Skin Starring Jo Brand 22.30 The Farm 23.20 Joey Yeah, this is funny. Funny like cholera. 23.50 Celebrities Uncensored How many of them are actually censored? 12.20 Alias 01.10 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 02.00 Boxing: Fight of the Week 03.15 US PGA Golf My life plan: bully my girlfriend into becoming a successful accountant then become a professional Federline. I may even try to earn a few quid as a journalist too.

Ha ha.

I T E M I R

6:05 Making It: Sand Castles 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond Not me, eeza right twat! 8:25 The King Of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:20 Supporting Acts Feeder 9:30 Chancers Er, Feeder? 10:20 This Teen Life 11:10 From The Top: Rosie Arnold - Advertising Creative 11:35 Don’t Worry 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 1:30 Easy Money (1948) 3:15 Cuntdown 4:00 Mind Your Manners Series starring our own prize TV asset, TV Manners. Manners takes part in a series of wacky games before meeting his eventual demise. Shame. 4:30 Room For Improvement 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons Ashlee Simpson, John Simpson, O.J Simpson etc.

6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 Operation Muslim Vote 9:00 The Explosive 80s Loads of Grannies are implanted with semtex. It could get messy!

10:00 ER: Call Me Ruby. No. 11:05 FAQ This was presented by that stupid west country twat who did the Grange Hill thing.

Yuk yuk yuk.11:35 Comedy Lab: Blackout 12:10 Meet The Applegates Apparently this isn’t a film about the Married With Children actress Christina Applegate’s family. Shame. 1:45 World Touring Car Championships 2:40 British Formula 3 Championship 3:10 Punk’d 3:35 Punk’d Someone ought to Punk Ashton Kutcher... in the ass!

3:55 Humdrum Another night at the gair rhydd offices then? 4:00 4 Learning

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Have I Been Here Before? 2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's On Strike 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Angelina Ballerina 3.45 Bernard 3.55 King Arthur's Disasters 4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Cain's jealousy causes more trouble for Robert, and Matthew grows more suspicious. That’ll be the last time Robert takes Cain’s secret dig for a walk then.

7.30 Coronation Street Jamie confides in Leanne, lifting a weight off his shoulders....”Leanne, I’ve got something to tell you, I’ve, I’ve got a dumbell on the top of my arms.”

Geddit!

8.00 New Homes or Old? 8.30 Coronation Street Charlie's meddling finally pushes Shelley and Sunita into the ring. Pnaaar.!

9.00 Celebrity Love Island This sounds like a load of cack but will probably be keeping Hello magazine in business for at least another six months.

10.30 ITV News 11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 0.00 Champions League Weekly 0.25 Green Day in Profile Still not that interesting.

0.55 Trisha 1.50 Loose Women 2.30 Moving Day TV Manners in ‘massive flirt’ shocker. 2.55 Bridezillas 3.20 Entertainment Now! 3.45 New Homes or Old? A Tonight Special 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

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P R I M E T I M E

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Starring Kylie Minogue and our very own Geordie (obligatory Geordie reference) 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Starring Beverly Callard of Liz from Corrie fame. Yis! 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Current TV Desk listening is The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra playing the works of Oasis. Yis! 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Ideal 12.00 Liquid Assets 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Teen Angels Hilary Duff, the Olsen twins, Lindsey Lohan, Avril Lavigne, Manners’ girlfriend, Dan Ridler’s bird, William Hague, Jimmy Cranky, Gary Coleman..we could go on...

6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster Cafe 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Bobinogs 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 Look and Read 10:50 Look and Read 11:10 Lion Mountain 11:35 The Munsters 12:00: The Daily Politics Andrew Neil. Proper LEG-END. 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 1:30 FILM: Blockade Rik Waller’s u-bend. 2:50 The Great War 3:30 Escape to the Country 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 Seven Natural Wonders Number 5: gair rhydd’s combined BO. 7:30 Small Town Gardens 8:00 Rick Stein's Food Heroes Bananaman!

8:30 University Challenge Special 9:00 How Art Made the World 10:00 Vic and Bob in Catterick 10:30 Newsnight Programme dedicated to the trials and tribulations of our own beloved leader, James Anthony. Oh how we like to tickle his lickle beard.

11:20 Callaghan: A Film Portrait 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24.

1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Deutsch Plus 1-20. Beginners' Germanlanguage soap series Again I must question whether this is regarding German soaps or German serial dramas.

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy That fifth rampant rabbit. 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Car Booty Anni-CAR Rice. 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30 Strutting Our Stuff TV Desk go for a night on the town.

1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:00 Home Farm Twins If I haven’t made the Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie gag already...

4:15 Mona the Vampire 4:35 Lizzie McGuire 5:00 Serious Desert Featuring a very determined tart, and a no-nonsense trifle. Oh, right, DESERT. 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Boyd's secret hormone taking shows its side-effects - you turn into Mrs. Mangle 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Junior Mastermind Specialist subjects include petty criminalism, rap music and Marshall Mathers.

7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce 8:00 EastEnders Derek's actions force Pauline into making a hard decision... Spit OR swallow.

8:30 Bailiffs 9:00 New Tricks 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Life after Football 11:35 FILM: Falling Down 1:25am: Sign Zone: The Reclaimers 1:55 Sign Zone: Around the World in 80 Treasures 2:55 Sign Zone: DIY SOS How do they hold the drill at the same time? 3:25 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business 3:55 Joins BBC News 24.

Mind Your Manners The Simpsons C4 6pm C4 4pm

Cofio S4C 9pm

PRIMETIME

Friends E4 8pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs: Opera 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:25 King of Queens 08:55 Will & Grace 09:20 Supporting Acts 09:30 Ysgolion/Schools 09:30 Chancers 10:20 Life Stuff 11:10 Life Stuff 11:35 Don’t Worry 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Dim Bwyd, Dim Hwyl I Mr Barus! 13:15 Room For Improvement 13:45 The Great Garden Challenge 14:45 The City Gardener 15:15 Cuntdown 16:00 Planed Palnt 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:30 Popty Bach 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Rownd a Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cym 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Cofio 60: Joni Jones 21:35 Sgorio 22:35 Desperate Housewives Recovered from its mid-season lull. Much to our collective joy.

23:35 FAQ U 00:05 FILM: The Deer Hunter

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Tuesday

May 16 - May 22 2005

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elderlypeople@stopyourwhinging.net

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children Psychic Avengers 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA. For Better, For Worse 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.50 Trisha... lets you see her boobs for 50p and a sherbet dib-dab. Slag.

4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael.

5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children.

Psychic Avengers 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 New Homes from Hell 9.00 Man v Beast USA 10.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun 11.00 Cheating Spouses: Caught on Tape 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 2.00 Married with Children Psychic Avengers 2.25 Married with Children 2.50 The Ricki Lake Show 3.30 Teleshopping

19.00 Strange Invaders 19.10 Space Odyssey: The Robot Pioneers R2D2, Johnny 5, Bertha, Kryton and Dean Gaffney. Oh and Nina Nanar.

20.00 The World isn’t nice. Last week, on my journey to the GR office I got accosted by a group of chav girls who intimidated me into purchasing cigarettes for them. Oh, how I trembled as their soverign rings glistened menacingly. Its a sad state of affairs when a strapping lass of twenty is afraid of a bunch of thirteen-year-olds.

20.30 Dickens in America. Also featuring Blyton in Iraq.

21.00 Speer and Hitler: The Devil's Architect 22.30 Dickens in America Also featuring Doestovsky in Luton.

23.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin 24.00 Hot Spots 01.00 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise 01.30 Space Odyssey: The Robot Pioneers 02.20 Dickens in America 02.50 Hot Spots Abygale’s. It’s a hot spot alright. I would know, I’ve actually been there.

Seriously, it’s true.

6:00 Insektors 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30 The King of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:25 Celebrity Life Skills 9:30 Chancers.9:55 Dealing With Drugs: Damage Limitation 10:20 The A-Z of Drugs A is for Alcohol, B is for Blackout, C is for Cannabis, C is for Cocaine, C is for Crack, D is for Dealer, D is for Dependency, E is for Ecstasy. F is for Foaming at the Mouth. 10:45 Decisions 11:10 Arrows of Desire 11:35 Don’t Worry! 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 1:30 A Good Laugh Carnivals in 16th-century Britain were occasions when people could really have a good laugh.

The public would use the carnival as their excuse to satirise their politicians and ridicule their monarchy. Turning the world upside down, carnival was big, bright, loud, and deeply subversive. Cue important academics discussing Mikhail Bahktin’s theory of the carnivalesque. I bet you £20 they will mention this.1:35 Chance of a Lifetime.3:15 Countdown 4:00 Mind your Manners. I wonder if TV Manners’s pupils have a nickname for him? 4:30 Room for Improvement 5:00 Richard and Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: Deutsch Borse Photography Prize 2005 8:00 Property Ladder 9:00 Bad Behaviour 10:00 Stalking Pete Doherty 11:05 FAQ U right back, your shit was whack.11:40 Comedy Lab: I’m Spazticus 12:10 Sex and the City 12:50 Sex and the City 1:25 Mad Cows

PRIMETIME

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour Smith 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning.

Including 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Have I Been Here Before?

2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's On Strike Anyone noticed the abundance of ‘kids from hell’ reality TV recently?

3.30 Miffy and Friends - Miffy and the Little Bird. Miffy’s ‘friend’ grows up to be a huge hungry, rabbit-eating eagle.The end. 3.35 Angelina Ballerina 3.45 Bernard 3.55 Rugrats 4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret Wales’s very own Watchdog is missing one crucial ingredient: Alice Beer. The furry rodent seems to fill her shoes quite well though.

8.00 Deep Jungle Monsters of the Forest 9.00 Bad Girls TV Katie: Pool Cheat.

10.00 Celebrity Love Island 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live If you’re watching this to avoid revising then you deserve to fail. Harsh but true.

0.00 The District. Twist of Hate 0.50 FILM: The Real Howard Spitz (1998, Comedy) A dramatic journey into the mouth of Howard Donald. Has Robbie Williams been here before?

2.25 The Paul O'Grady Show 3.15 World Rally Championship.

4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Ideal TV Desk’s ideal sandwich fillings: Tv John: Red Leicester and blood; Tv katie: fried egg and brown sauce; TV Manners: Prawn Mayo; TV Gareth: Carbs; Me: Humus and Peppers. MMMMmmmm yum yum.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.00 Nighty Night 23.30 Generation Jedi 24.25 Liquid Assets: Duran Duran Buried under a tree in Rio. Some girls caught it on film. Chuckle chuckle. 01.25 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.20 Ideal TV Desk’s ideal bedfellows: Manners: £15 Abi Titmuss; TV John: Macauley Culkin; TV Gareth: Zach Braff or Simon Amstel; TV Katie: Adam Brody; Me: Bob Geldof and some hot buttered crumpets. 02.50 Generation Jedi Luke discovers his father is actually Jeffery Archer...Or perhaps he lied

6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island Search for Baby Elephant 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster Cafe. Vinny the Bin 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow L.A Gear, Nicks, Diadora, Puma.

Wannabes. 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV.8:30 Bobinogs 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:00 Tweenies.

9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 Landmarks - The Caribbean Islands - People 10:50 Primary History. Tudor Life: Homes, A Yeomans Story 11:10 Music Makers. Professor Allegro's World of Music - in the Snow Featuring the Avalanches, Coldplay, Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, Snow Patrol, The Thermals, Chilli Gonzalez. 12:00 Working Lunch 1:00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 1:25 FILM: The Big Street (1942) Woodville Road. 2:50 The Great War. 3:30 Escape to the Country TV Desk are escaping to Barry Island this weekend, armed with a healthy supply of cherry lambrini. Will we return in one piece? Wait and see... 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 Britain's Best Buildings - England 8:00 Fred Dibnah's Made in Britain 9:00 The Monastery 10:00 The League of Gentlemen Filmed near my home town. Not something to be proud of really.

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy 11:55 FILM: Meteor Widescreen) (1979) Looks shit.

God I’m tired. And pissed.

Mind Your Manners C4 4pm

2:00 The O.C 3:00 The Next Joe Millionaire 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends I love my friends.

My heart goes out to my poor mate Pam, who went on a blind date with a a guy who turned out to have one nostril, three nipples and an excessive dribbling problem.

5:30 Friends 6:00 Without a Trace 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 The O.C 10:00 Fool Around...With Nadia 10:30 Bo’ Selecta 11:05 Derren Brown: Messiah.

More like Derren Brown: The Arrogant Twat.

12:15 The O.C 1:05 4 Go Dating: Bridezillas 1:35 Bo’ Selecta Really don’t see the amusing side of this. If there is one. Once your aunt/dad/boss starts reciting comedy catchphrases, you know the joke isn’t funny anymore.

2:10 Derren Brown: Messiah 3:10 The O.C

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss 06.50 Peppa Pig 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Ebb and Flo 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.25 Franklin 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away Irene finally decides to get those terrible eyebags sorted. Three runaway foster children previously assumed dead are found hiding in them. 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm 15.45 Film: "The Spring" Thriller in which a widowed man and his son stumble across the incredible secret of a small isolated town while on a camping trip.

The secret is so powerful that the town's inhabitants will stop at nothing - even murder - to keep it from getting out.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Pevsner's Cities 20.00 Hitler's Britain Working Title: Blair’s Britain.

21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 The Real CSI 22.30 The Farm Flava Flav!

Ron Jeremy! Keith Harris!

All hilarious characters in their own right. But who the fuck is Dave Morgan? Who cares?

23.20 X-Rated: The Films that Shocked Britain Jumanji 24.25 The Dead Zone Apart from the Pope, there has been a lack of A-list deaths recently.

They’re all too healthy after appearing on Celebrity Detox.

01.10 NBA Basketball: Game of the Week

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 10:40 State Opening of Parliament 2005 12:30pm: Strutting Our Stuff 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours.

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger Jungle Fever.3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:00 50/50 4:35 What's New Scooby Doo? 5:00 Short Change 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News and Weather.

6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Junior Mastermind 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City 9:00 Life Isn't All Ha Ha Hee Hee It certainly isn’t, but tonight is very hahahehe. I may be a trifle inebriated. Everything seems ten times as amusing as it was a couple of hours ago.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 ONE Life CAR: “CRRRASSSSH!!” CAT: “Never mind, I’ve got eight left.” Damn those pesky felines.

11:15 FILM: Firefox (1982) Better than Internet Explorer.

1:20am: Sign Zone: See Hear 2:05 Sign Zone: Bailiffs 2:35 Sign Zone: The Town That Wants a Twin 3:05 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business. 3:35 Joins BBC News 24 It seems like now is the ideal time to wish you all good luck for the forthcoming exams. No doubt you are in a state of pant-staining terror. Snorting all those ProPlus didn’t help did it?

Come to think of it, you shouldn’t even be reading this page.

Get back to work you slackers.

Deep Jungle ITV1 8pm

P R I M E T I M E

Don’t Worry!

C4 11.35am

Space Odyssey BBC4 7.10pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30 The King of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:25 Celebrity Life Skills 09:30 Schools 09:30 Chancers 09:55 Life Stuff: Dealing With Drugs10:20 The A-Z of Drugs 10:45 Decisions 11:10 Arrows of Desire 11:35 Don’t Worry!

12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Pei Pwmben 13:15 Room for Improvement 13:45 The Great Garden Challenge 14:45 Selling Houses 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Beyblade 16:25 Code Lyoko 16:50 Ffeill my bunions.

17:00 Richard and Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 The Simpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Y Byd Ar Bedwar 21:00 O Flaen Dy Lygaid 22:00 Riddle of the Human Hobbits: An Exquinox Special 23:00 Bad Behaviour 00:05 The Explosive 80’s: The Storm and the Crash 01:05 FAQ U 01:35 Britain’s Cold War Super Weapons Marmite, Spam, Bisto, Hovis and Rothmans.

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Wednesday

Page 26

May 16 - May 22 2005

tvdeskontour@someshitbeachnearyou.com

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TV WILLY

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA. A Team Effort 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Movies Now 5.05 Judge Judy 6.00 The British Soap Awards 2005 - The Stars Arrive 7.00 Married with Children 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 FILM: Joe Dirt (2000, Comedy) 9.50 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 10.20 Movies Now 10.30 The British Soap Awards 2005 - The Party 11.30 Coronation Street 0.00 Footballers' Wives 1.00 Footballers' Wives 1.30 Married with Children 1.55 Married with Children. So This Is How Sinatra Felt 2.20 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.00 Teleshopping 5.00 ITV2 Nightscreen ITV2 spare me the pain of thinking. Many thanks.

19.00 Birdland, a History of Jazz: Dream a Little, Dream of Me The mark of the BBC’s dedication to jazz, a whole five minutes. On BBC Four. 19.05 Early Music Rolf Harris Sunrise, Morning Glory, can’t think of any more, my brain hurts. Wasn’t even gonna come up to the office tonight on the grounds that I have numerous exams to revise for. Sadly, I decided I needed a short break. That was at 7pm. It’s now 1am. 20.00 The World 20.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 21.00 Churchill's Forgotten Years 22.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 23.00 Churchill: Into The Wilderness 23.50 Nation on Film: VE Day Special 24.20 Early Music 01.15 Churchill's Forgotten Years What, have they been forgotten since 9pm earlier? That’s tragic. Good job they’re repeating this. Phew.

02.50 Churchill: Into The Wilderness 03.40 In the Footsteps of Churchill 04.10 Close Are you, my fans, optimistic about the future of democracies in the world? I was asked this in my Spanish oral...

2:00 The O.C. 3:00 The Next Joe Millionnaire 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Without a Trace 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Scrubs 9:30 Scrubs 10:00 Fool Around...With Kenzie Oh purleeeese, I’d rather eat my pubes in a mushroom soup.

10:30 Peep Show 11:00 Desperate Housewives 12:00 Scrubs 12:30 Scrubs 12:55 4 Go Dating: Virgins 1:25 Peep Show 1:55 The O.C.: The Links 2:45 Distraction 3:10 Distracion 3:40 Close... The bastards, hope they’re reading this and weeping in pity for me. Who knows how to answer that in English, let alone spigging Spanish. Orals suck. Fnarr.

Hmm, what else can I drivel on about? Can I fill this space?

Can I? Whatd’ya reckon? Think it’s possible, within my capabilities? It’ll be tough. Tada!

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06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Franklin 08.45 MechaNick 08.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model (The Girl Who Forgot Her Shoes) 14.55 The Farm Looking forward to the predictable Ron Jeremy Emma Noble romp in the hay. How do such ugly men get so many shags? Actually, don’t answer that.

15.45 Film: "The Hollywood Detective" (1989, Mystery) 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Nefertiti: Search for the Lost Mummy I lost mine in Tescos when I was six. Had my name called out over the tannoy and everything. Changed my life for ever...i never again loitered in the dog food aisle.

21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 Great Crimes of the 20th Century Doyle, TV Desk, Westlife, Mushrooms, TV John’s band not recording any songs, TV desk being robbed of best section at media awards.

22.30 The Farm 23.20 101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets 00.20 World of Rugby 24.50 FIM World Supercross (Las Vegas)02.20 Race and Rally UK 02.45 Motorsport Mundial 03.30 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.20 Dutch Football (Ajax v RKC Waalwijk)

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6:00 Making It: Luca Animates His Day 6:05 The Dog Who Was A Cat Inside 6:10 The Hoobs: Lost 6:35 The Hoobs: Overloaded 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30 The King of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:20 Celebrity Life Skills: Baby Celebrities 9:30 Chancers 9:55 Dealing With Drugs: Emergency Action 10:20 The AZ of Drugs F-O 10:45 Decisions: Steve's Heartache 11:10 Self Portrait UK 11:35 Don’t Worry! 12:00 News At noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge A student house in Cathays is this week’s challenge. Charlie Dimmock gets lost within the fag ends, rotting pizza boxes and victorian garden furniture. 1:30 A Good Laugh 1:35 Watch Your Stern (1960) 3:15 Cuntdown 4:00 Mind Your Manners Programme about TV Manners and his daily struggle with flatulence, masturbation and bogies. 4:30 Room For Improvement Surely not a passing comment about TV (Robbed at Media Awards) Listings? 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 news 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 Relocation, Relocation 9:00 Grand Designs 10:00 Desperate Housewives 11:05 FAQ U 11:40 Comedy Lab 12:10 The Missionary Underrated. (1982) 1:50 World Car Touring Championships 2:50 Monster Jam UK 3:20 KOTV 3:50 KOTV Classics 4:45 Grudge Match 4:55 Cuntdown 5:40 Vee-TV 6:10 Close

PRIMETIME

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with Andrew Castle and Penny Smith 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Have I Been Here Before? I feel like I have. God a bad feeling I’ve already copied and pasted the listings, forgot to save them, and am now doing them again. Tsk. 2.00 Loose Women Have you checked out the colour coordination yet? 2.45 Mum's On Strike 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Angelina Ballerina Sammy's Club 3.45 Bernard Vanishing Act 4.00 Art Attack Neil Buchanan is a veritable legend who inspired many a screwed-up tissue paper sculpture and wax scratching. 4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News Media awards photos help piece together forgotten night.

7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Elvis By The Presleys 10.00 Celebrity Love Island 10.30 ITV News.

11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live. 0.00 The Pitts 0.25 The Magnificent Seven Starring TV Katie, Grace, Holly, Manners, John, Will and Gareth. 1.10 cd:uk Hotshot. 1.40 Good Charlotte in Profile When Manners saw Good Charlotte live, they offered their bodies to the women in the audience.

Manners accepted gladly, and bedded the twins. 2.05 The Paul O'Grady Show 2.55 World Sport 3.20 Loose Women 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

The Fairly Odd Parents BBC1 4.20pm

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6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island.

Doggies 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster Cafe 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Bobinogs 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It. 9:00 Tweenies. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:35 The Munsters 11:00 The Daily Politics 1:00pm: Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Racing from Goodwood 3.15 Normandie Stud Lupe Stakes 3.45 Baker Tilly Trophy Stakes 4:00 Escape to the Countr. 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 No Win No Fee 7:30 Holidays in the Danger Zone: Places That Don't Exis. Narnia, Sea cargo, Heaven, The Garden of Eden, The North, Wales, Geordie’s clean pants (“I’m actually wearing swimming shorts.”)

8:00 Natural World.

8:50 Secret Squirrels 9:00 Compulsion We at TV desk struggle with this evil urge on a weekly basis. The average result of compulsion is a drawn out trip to the postgrad bar. Several beers later we start work, like every good journalist, half cut.

10:00 Blackadder the Third.

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 BBC Four on BBC Two: My Louis Armstrong Years 12:10am: FILM: Eve's Bayou (1997) 2:00 BBC Learning Zone 4:00 D-Mag

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Your Union STUDENT SAVER

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Film: "Timecop" (1994, Thriller) 22.35 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.05 Spendaholics Dress: 75 pounds, Spray Tan: 20 pounds, New pants: 6 pounds, Falling asleep on Gary’s sofa after 15 minutes: priceless.

24.00 Wedding Stories 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Spendaholics 02.55 Wedding Stories 03.55 Close TV Katie actually beat a male TV desk member at pool earlier. Nothing has been spoken of the game since, but my victory speech will be unforgettable, believe me. The loser will remain anonymous for reasons of personal pride (or lack of). Here’s a hint:

Have I Been Here Before? ITV1 1.30pm

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6:00am: Breakfast This week it has been the bowel loostening Allbran, which is surprisingly yummy. Am ever so regular.

9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Car Booty 11:45 Cash in the Attic Must sign up for savings account. 12:30pm: Strutting Our Stuff 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Karl is near to breaking point.

Susan bears her soul to Lil. Cue long-awaited lesbo scene.

Fnarrr. Boyd gets tested. 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrot 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:00 Mona the Vampire 4:20 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:30 Ace Lightning 5:00 The Stables 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Junior Mastermind 7:30 Wildlife on One This is ace! Do watch.

8:00 Julie Walters: A BAFTA Tribute 9:00 Crimewatch UK 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather.

10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws.

10:40 Crimewatch UK Update. 10:50 Imagine... A Short History of Tall Buildings I can only begin to imagine, my loins are quivering, my groin moist at the thought.

11:50 FILM: The Absolute Truth (1996) 1:25am: Sign Zone: Journey of Life 2:25 Sign Zone: Smart Spenders 2:55 Sign Zone: Amazon Abyss 3:25 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business 3:55 Joins BBC News 24

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs07:00 Transworld Sports 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Time Team Specia 09:55 FILM: Jules Verne’s Rocket To The Moon 11:35 Nokia Urban Music Festival with Prince’s Trust: Will Smith's Highlights Has to be Fresh Prince, it was all downhill from there. And no, I never saw Hitch and I don’t intend to.

Urgh. 12:05 Point Pleasant: The Lonely Hunter 12:55 The O.C: The Second Chance 13:50 Y Clwb Rygbi 16:00 A Place In The Sun 16.30 The Secret Election Apparently it happened May 5th. 17:00 Newyddion 17:10Y Clwb Rygbi 19:25 Risg 19:55 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 20:10 Tipyn O |Stad 20:40 Hwyl Y Noson La Wen Dafydd Edwards, Llion Williams, Tudur Owen, Alun James and Neil Rosser. 21:10 O Flaen Dy Lygaid 22:10 FILM: The Full Monty 23:50 FILM: Red Planet 01:45 Joss Stone Hits New York But, she’s from Devon, she’s-she’s-sooooo-urban man.

02.45 Empire Square 03:15 Bennetts British Superbikes 04:15 KOTV

Thursday

May 16 - 22 2005

Page 27

nowheretolive...again!@TVJohn.com

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 20.00 Eurovision Song Contest Semi-Final What’s even the point of this? Who cares? The only use I can see for this, is that it eradicates all the hilarious nohoper entries before the grand final. To which I say “kiss my ass”.

22.15 EastEnders 22.45 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.45 Generation Jedi The dictionary opposite of generation sex.

24.40 Liquid Assets: Beyonce's Millions 01.40 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.35 Generation Jedi 03.35 Who Would Hire You? Abigails, Fantasy Lounge and Minsky’s, looking at my CV here.

04.05 Close It’s been anothe audio spectacular at my house this week, with CD rotations from Final Fantasy, Manitoba, The Magnetic Fields.

The Magnolia Electric Company, Spoon, Jackie Leven, Modest Mouse and Vitalic. Oh yes.

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA. All Creatures Great and Small 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.40 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children. The Goodbye Girl 7.30 Married with Children. The Gas Station Show 8.00 Holiday Airport: Sydney.

9.00 The Laziest Men in Britain. 10.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun 11.00 Bad Girls 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live Another sixty of sexy shenannigans. Bet none of you find enough material to even slightly get yourselves off here. 1.00 Footballers' Wives TV. End of Season 1.30 The Contender 2.30 Married with Children 2.55 Married with Children 3.20 The Ricki Lake Show Ricki Lake talks teen pregnancy, gangs, drugs, makeovers and weight loss. Party of a lifetime.

4.00 Teleshopping

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 8.35 LK Today 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Have I Been Here Before?

2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's On Strike Moh attempts his first Sunday roast.

Lunchtime kickoff at St James’s Park then.

3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Angelina Ballerina. The Anniversary Party 3.45 Bernard. Learn to Earn 3.55 Jungle Run 4.25 The Fugitives. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Stories from the Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Footballers' Wives.

10.00 Celebrity Love Island Man I’m so glad Abi Titmuss quit her job helping the sick in order to star in rent-a-filth like this.

10.30 ITV News.

11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 0.00 The Championship 00.45 Redcoats Stardomstarved pro-celebrity knobbers 1.10 Love Match 1.35 The Paul O'Grady Show 2.25 1996 Forever Space, Kula Shaker, Joyrider, Apollo 440, Ash, Lush, Gene, Dreadzone, Morrissey, Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci, Super Furry Animals, Symposium, Silver Sun. With a bit of luck 3.20 Cybernet 3.45 Loose Women

19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 20.00 The World 20.30 Mindset This is one place you don’t want to go, unless you want suicidal tendancies, a fixation with 80s soft rock, a grade 4 in modern dance and a bad haircut.

21.00 Tales from Spain 22.00 MPs on the Box 22.30 The Thick of It 23.00 Arrested Development 23.20 Arrested Development 23.45 The Thick of It 24.15 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 01.15 MPs on the Box 01.45 The Thick of It 02.15 In the Footsteps of Churchill 02.45 Tales from Spain “I ate some paella, stuck a red cape infront of a bull and let it chase me, then I went to an Antonio Banderas lookalike competition at the Costa De Sol, and then talked a load of meaningless crap 03.45 Dickens in America 04.15 Close This is the dream of Win and Regine, The CN Tower is for the Dead.

Americas Next Top Model C4 2pm

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Fiends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30am The King of Queens 8:55am Will and Grace 9:25am Artificial Intelligence 9:30am Chancers 9:55am Arrows of Desire 3 10:20am The A-Z of Drugs - PZ 10:45am Decisions 11:10am In Search of the Tartan Taliban 11:35am Don’t Worry!

12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm The Great Garden Challenge 1:30pm A Good Laugh 1:35pm The Red Beret 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Mind Your Manners 4:30pm Room For Improvement 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Deutsche Borse Photography Award 2005 8:00pm Wife Swap 9:00pm Abi Titmuss: A Tale of Morality 10:00pm Cutting Edge: The Kidnapping of Elizabeth Smart 11:20pm FAQ U With that unfunny Westcountry cuntrag. I can’t remember his name.

11:45pm Comedy Lab: Skin Deep 12:20am Hero2Hero A live “performance” from Babyshambles.

1:25am 4Music Heroes: Doves The last thing I’d use as a peace offering.

1:55am The Flying Sokfngod 2:25am Guinevere A day in the life of the ex-lottery machine.

4:15am In the Time of Angels There are angels, in your angles, there’s a low moon caught in your tangles...

4:35am Transworld Sport 5:25am Countdown 6:10am Close

2:00pm The O.C. Seth gets talking to guest star Paris Hilton. He’s mine you ho.

3:00pm The Next Joe Millionaire 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Without a Trace 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm ER 10:00pm Fool Around...With Nadia 11:00pm Sex and The City 11:40pm Sex and The City “Are We Sluts?” is the title of the episode. “Yes, you bunch of overpaid aged slag-wagons with nil acting talent and numbingly useless personalities, you cunts” is the response of this individual.

12:10am Sex and The City 12:40am Sex and The City 1:15am 4 Go Dating: Bridezillas 1:45am Sex and The City 2:20am Sex and The City 2:45am Sex and The City 3:10am Sex and The City 3:50am Close

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss 06.50 Peppa Pig 07.00 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.25 Franklin 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm What the fuck kind of day is this to show pigwanking with Ron Jeremy?

15.45 Film: Robinson Crusoe The only man to get deserted on a desert island and name his sole companion after the first night they bummed in his own 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Laureus Sports Awards 2005 20.00 Brand New You 21.00 Families Behaving Badly 22.00 Revenge: Getting Even with Your Ex 22.30 The Farm 23.20 X-Rated: The Scenes They Tried to Ban The TV John heroin injection story.

24.25 John Barnes' Football Night 01.05 Portuguese Football 02.35 Dutch Football 04.05 Argentinian Football 05.30 Argentinian Football Highlights All around the world of soccer with five this evening it seems. Argentina, Holland, Portugal and planet ridiculous with John Barnes are all covered tonight. Fucking godforsaken sport <--- Southampton fan.

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The Thick of It BBC4 1.45am

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6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster Cafe 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures.

7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow. 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Bobinogs 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 The Way Things Work 10:45 Razzledazzle 11:05 Something Special 11:20 Primary Geography. Postcards Bangladesh: Flooding 11:35 The Munsters 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 1:30 Meet the Ancestors 2:00 Racing from Goodwood 2.10 Sunseeker Stakes. 2.40 Peters Fairline Festival Stakes 3.15 London Boat Show At Excel Classified Stakes 3.45 Raymarine EBF Maiden Stakes 4:00 Escape to the Country 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link Thank you BBC2 with your long TV titles today.

6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Ray Mears' Bushcraft 9:00 Dead Ringers 9:30 The Robinsons 10:00 Kath and Kim 10:30 Newsnight With James “Cannabis-a-rama” Anthony 11:20 The Culture Show.

12:20am: FILM: Revengers 1:45 Joins BBC News 24.

2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: Hallo aus Berlin Not to be confused with Rammstein’s “Live Aus Berlin” outrageous live DVD 4:00 Beginner's Theme Night Culture and Music

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Car Booty 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30pm: Strutting Our Stuff Geoff and Barbara Lake were party animals when they met at amateur dramatics in 1966. The couple are still deeply in love and have survived to play each other's love interest in the Importance of Being Earnest.

Sounds hideous to me.

1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Toadie meets his match in the ring. Fnarr! Wow, it’s been a while since I said that 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger Here Comes Smartypants! Debate of the week: would you rather see Bodger in his pants, or Badger wearing Bodger’s pants? Two votes for the latter wins.

3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:00 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4:30 SMart. 5:00 Really Wild Show. 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes.7:00 Junior MastermindTonight's topics are: The History of the English Longbow. My best frend Alex’s specialist subject, strangely enough. I wonder if it’s him?

7:30 EastEnders 8:00 20th Century Roadshow 9:00 Journey of Life 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Question Time. Dimbleby 11:35 This Week. 12:20am: FILM: Sins of the Mind 1:55 Sign Zone: Skint

Artificial Intelligence C4 9.25pm

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08:30 King of Queens 08:55 Will and Grace 09:25 Artificial Intelligence 09:30 Ysgolion / Skools 09:30 Chancers 09:55 Arrows of Desire 10:20 Life Stuff: A-Z of Drugs 10:45 Life Stuff: ongodfgndfog 11:10 Life Stuff: In Search of the Tartan Taliban 11:35 Don’t Worry 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Peppa Pinc 13:15 Room For Improvement 14:15 The Great Garden Challenge 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Beblade 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard and Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 THE Simpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Clwb Garddio 21:00 Dudley OK looks like I’ve accidentally deleted the rest of the day.

Whoops. I think Relocation Relocation Relocation Relocation Relocation Relocation Relocation Relocation is on at some point, as is some documentary about Caroline somethingorother. Ace!

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Friday

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May 16 - May 22 2005

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children7.30 Married with Children 8.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 8.30 American Idol 9.20 American Idol 9.50 Movies Now 10.00 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun 10.30 Coronation Street 11.00 Married with Children 11.30 Married with Children 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 2.00 The Ricki Lake Show 2.45 Sally Jessy Raphael 3.25 Teleshopping 5.25 ITV2 Nightscreen TV Gareth’s songs of the week(‘cause it’s easier than thinking of something relavent to write about): No Cars Go - Arcade Fire, Dinner Schwervon! Nights Wave - Mice Parade II. Solar System - The Microphones, Everything Beautiful Is Far Away Grandaddy.

19.00 Dickens in America 19.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 20.00 The World 20.30 MPs on the Box 21.00 Stalin's Skyscraper 22.20 Elaine Stritch at Liberty 23.50 Flowering in Autumn 00.20 Tales from Spain 01.20 Stalin's Skyscraper 02.35 MPs on the Box 03.05 Tales from Spain The Government of Spain is all evil 04.05 Close It would seem that those at the BBC have chosen programs with extra short names tonight, just to piss me off. In the last 7 days I have mostly been neglecting my basic human rights i.e. eating, in favour of buying Reading Festival tickets on eBay and probably involuntarily funding fiendish drugs rackets or child prostitution. BUT, it does mean i get to see the Blood Brothers, Arcade Fire and PIxies, and get to spend a weekend sharing a tent WITH A GIRL!! So y’know “swings and roundabouts”.

Also, Jeremy Beadle has leukemia: at least it’s not cancer. He also has a tiny cock, but on the other hand it’s massive.

HAHAHAHAAAAHAAAA!!!!!!

Junior Mastermind BBC1 7.00 pm

2:00pm The O.C. 3:00pm The Next Joe Millionaire E4 is coming to freeview. Yahoo!! just in time for Big Brother aswell. and Men and Motors too. Dear God. 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:35pm Friends 6:05pm Without A Trace certainly not my GCSE art projects. 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm FILM: Jerry Maguire 12:40am Black Books 1:10am Trigger Happy USA 1:40am Trigger Happy USA 2:05am 4 Go Dating:Bridezillas 2:30am Wife Swap 3:30am Black Books 4:00am Close. I see girls, here there and everywhere short skirts long hair love it when they walk yeah. I'm on cloud 9 you look so fine can't wait to make you mine I kinda like the way you walk past gotta take a glance body shaped like an hour glass pulling up to my bumper so hot, you work so hard like the way you work itI look first, you look back, attracted to the way you shake that, yo...i apologise for that.

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss 06.50 Peppa Pig 07.00 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.25 Franklin 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm 15.45 Film: "While Justice Sleeps" TV Desk doesn’t win any media awards. booo.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 House Doctor: The A-Z of Design 20.30 Britain's Worst DIYer 21.00 House Doctor: Inside and Out 22.00 House Doctor Changed My Life 22.30 The Farm Ron Jeremy.

And his penis. 23.20 X-Rated: Sex Films in Your Living Room 00.25 Film: "The Last Days of Disco" 02.20 Film: "Heartbreak Hotel" 04.00 Russell Grant's Postcards “Hey Mum, I’m having a great time here on holiday. I’m mostly just eating loads of ice cream, what with me being a fat fuck and all.” 04.10 Sunset Beach Barry Island 04.50 Melrose Place 05.35 Sons and Daughters I can’t get Channel 5 up North (Talybont) so I really hope you understand what a selfless job I am doing here. If anyone actually reads TV Desk then please let us know up at gr towers. I for one will be happy to sign a body part of your choosing. Maybe even a penis, ‘cause I am THAT heterosexual.

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6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30 The King Of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:25 MESH: Perfect 9:30 Chancers Lung, ball, breast, throat, bowel, face...oh cHancers?? sorry. 9:55 New Boy 10:55 Tate Modern: Still Life 11:00 From The Top 11:25 National Gallery 11:30aArrows Of Desire 2 11:55 Re-Writing History Doing so this close to my exams would kind of fuck things up a bit. 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 1:30 FILM: Cocleshell Heroes 3:15 Countdown 4:00 Mind Your Manners 4:30 Room For Improvement 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:35 The Simple Life 2 8:00 Scrubs Mr. Braff will be pleased to hear he’s high on my list of “men with which I would if I was a bummer”.

8:30 Will & Grace 9:00 The Simpsons 9:30 Derren Brown: Trick Of The Mind 10:00 Dylan Moran: Monster LIve 11:35pm Foo Fighters: Video Exclusive 11:40pm FAQ U 12:15 FILM: The Howling 1:55 Foo Fighters: Video Exclusive 2:00 FILM: Dead Babies Have you seen the episode of South Park where Cartman finds a load of aborted foetuses? “Seriously, if you turn down this offer you’re making a foetal mistake”. 3:55 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 4:25 Operation Muslim Vote 5:25 Countdown 6:10 Close But no cigar

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Have I Been Here Before? 2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's On Strike 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Angelina Ballerina 3.45 Bernard The kid with the watch which stops time. to be honest i’m waiting for “Bernard: the college years”, because we all know what he’ll be doing then. 4.00 Splash Camp 4.30 Girls in Love To be honest, it’s a pretty good day for CITV today and in my opinion it’s far superior to CBBC at the moment. That was serious analysis, don’ think i’ll be making a habit of it though. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 New Homes or Old? A Tonight Special 8.30 Airline 9.00 Celebrity Love Island I have just shocked myself by listing nearly every tragic celebrity involved in this.

This knowledge would once have been due to my whoreing myself out to tabloid newspapers, however now I am at TV desk it is called “research”.

10.00 Monkey Trousers Is that a banana in your pocket or...? Meh. 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 0.00 The Contender 0.55 FILM: North Sea Hijack Denmark must be dehydrated. 2.30 Entertainment Now! 2.55 The Paul O'Grady Show. 3.50 cd:uk Hotshots 4.15 New Homes or Old? A Tonight Special 4.40 Star Bites 4.45 ITVNightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

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6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Jakers 6:50 Monster Cafe 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Bobinogs 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 The Way Things Work 10:45 Razzledazzle 11:05 Words and Pictures Plus 11:20 Science Clips 11:35 The Munsters 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:30 Trade Secrets 1:40 FILM: Firecreek 3:20 The Flying Gardener 3:30 Escape to the Country 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Free Phone Call Revolution 7:30 A Year at Kew 8:00 Gardeners' World 9:00 Timewatch 9:50 Dear Television please don’t play the Catherine Tate show, it’s bollocks.

10:00 The Best Bits of Catherine Tate TELEVISION, YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME!!

10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 Later with Jools Holland Athlete (boooo), The Go! Team (smattering of applause). 12:40am: FILM: Journey into Fear 2:00 BBC Learning Zone 2:30 Play and the Social World 3:00 Cine Cinephiles 3:30 Declining Citizenship 4:00 What's Right for Children? Sometimes before I make jokes, I have to consider whether i want to get myself on the sex offenders’ register or not. Tonight i choose not. 4:30 Population Transition in Italy 5:00 Behind a Mask

Girls In Love ITV 4.30pm

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19.00 7 o'Clock News 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Generation Jedi TV desk singalong to Shady Lane. I am creaming here kids. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron ACTUALLY creaming 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Little Britain 0.00 Liquid Assets: Tom Cruise's Millions 24.55 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Generation Jedi 02.50 Spendaholics 03.50 Close Well, fellow music fascists TV John and TV Willy and I had a nice night out on Sunday watching the only band officially sponsored by TV Desk: the Arcade Fire, in Bristol. Best. Gig. Ever.

Unless you’ve ever seen Bruce Springsteen in concert, apparently. The very fact that you weren’t there kind of nullifies your existance as a human being. But hey! We found that out when you bought the Kaiser Chiefs’ album didn’t we? I despair.

King Of Queens Channel 4 8.30am

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Car Booty 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30pm Strutting Our Stuff 1:00 BBC News 1:30 Regional News 1:40 Neighbours An ambulance gets to Karl.

Carmella believes that she is not safe. Dylan is crushed by Janelle's casual cruelty. Surely this is the only program you care about? 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:00 Arthur 4:20 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:30 Rule the School 5:00 Stupid This programme is awesome. Seriously. 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Junior Mastermind I hope these kids get bullied.

Shove your blue wristbands up your arse.

7:30 Top of the Pops 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 The Lenny Henry Show 9:00 Have I Got News for You 9:30 A Question of Sport: FA Cup Final Special 10:00 BBC News; Regional News 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Biggest.

Sycophant. Ever. I quite like him though. Ben Folds is on. And Coogan. Might be good. 11:35 FILM: Patch Adams 1:30am: Joins BBC News 24

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:30 King Of Queens 08:55 Will And Grace 09:25 Mesh 09:30 Chancers 09:55 New Boy 10:55 Tate Modern 11:00 Life Stuff 11:25 National Gallery 11:30 Arrows Of Desire 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 Room For Improvement 14:15 The Great Garden Challenge 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Sion Neu Sian 16:25 O Na! Y Morgans 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard And Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: 18:30 Uned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Risg 21:00 Caneuon Mawr 21:30 Cnex 21:45 Property Ladder 22:45 Derren Brown: Trick OF The MInd 23:15 Kylie: The Showgirl Tour 01:20 FAQ U 01:50 FILM: Night Falls On Manhatten 03:55 Monster Jam UK 04:20 KOTV Classics 05:15 Diwedd/Close Or as TV Gareth says “enough of the Welsh crap already”.

Saturday

May 16 - May 22 2005

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19.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential Documentary presented by Simon Pegg, who should know better.

20.15 Farscape 21.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.55 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 22.15 Film: Rocky II Sly Stallone gets his ass pummelled by a hobo for the second time.

24.10 Doctor Who 24.55 Doctor Who Confidential 01.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps: Fags, Shags and Kebabs The TV Desk story, only without the shags. And the kebabs. And only two of us smokes. And TV Gareth doesn’t drink. And nobody really eats crisps here as we prefer chocolate as part of our nutritious diet. And none of us want to be in any way associated with Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of crisps.

01.55 Grass 02.25 Ideal A black coffee, some prog rock and a disapproving lady friend.

02.55 The House of Tiny Things

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Emmerdale 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.30 Nanny 911 15.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 16.30 Holiday Showdown 17.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 18.00 House of Horrors 18.30 House of Horrors 18.00 Man v Beast USA This genuinely involves a zebra and some other poor animals being beaten to death by big fat Americans. Much like Celebrity Wrestling but with more believable characters. And of course, a complete crock o’ shite. 20.00 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 21.00 TBA 22.45 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 23.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? I would’t mind some money to buy some decent chairs to sit on in this fucking office. 0.15 Celebrities Exposed 01.15 Emmerdale Omnibus 03.40 Teleshopping 05.40 ITV2 Nightscreen Today’s Saturday page is brought to you in collaboration with TV Desk and with the letter P which is what we’ll all be turning to unless something exciting happens soon which completes this entire page.

Charmed five 6.25pm

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 Transworld Sport 8:00 The Morning Line 8:55 T4: Futurama: Brannigan, Begin Again 9:20 T4: hit40uk 9:55am T4: The Life of Brian: Six Months with Brian McFadden 10:55 T4: Star Wars Premiere: T4 Movie Special 11:25 T4: Friends 12:00 T4: The Simple Life 2: Road Trip Another chance to catch yet another fucking reality TV show. What happens when reality disappears and we no longer watch it? What are the TV people going to do? If you didn’t watch this the first time, basically, Paris and Nicole talk dirty to the hillybillys around them and cause ‘quite a stir’.

And many erections probably.

12:30 T4: Pure T4 13:00 T4: Point Pleasant 14:00 Channel 4 Racing from Newmarket, Haydock Park and Curragh 16:05 Relocation, Relocation 18:10 Morgan & Platell 18:40 Channel 4 News Includes sport and weather 19:10 The Michaelangelo Code: Secrets of the Cistine Chapel Sequel to that book, this time based around a much larger picture and undoubtedly, still shite. These people who watch the Michaelangelo Code and think they know everything.

21:15 Patriot Games (1992) 12:15 4Music: Diesel U-Music 12:45 4Msuic: 4Play: The Bravery 02:00 4Music: The Big Chill 2004 02:25 4Music: Popworld 03:10 4Music hit40uk 03:35 the Chris Isaak Show: In the Name of Love 04:25 Punk’d Master prankster Ashton Kutcher makes superstars suffer for the viewers pleasure. I’m not making it up, this is what the programme description says. Fucking idiots.

04:45 The Mummy Road Show

19.00 Yes, Minister 19.30 Tales from Spain 20.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 21.00 In the Footsteps of Churchill 21.30 Standing in the Shadows of Motown It’s quite fitting that the music playing in the office at the moment is Motown. Still doesn’t mean a) I’m enjoying it and b) that I have any idea what to write about a genre of music is know nothing about. Except that one of the idiots mums is Diana Ross, self titled ‘Queen of Motown’. So now you know.

23.00 The Thick of It Michael Jackson’s life as we speak. 0.00 Hot Spots: Colombia 01.00 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise The makers of Boost Guyana bars come under pressure from Fair Trade organisations when it is reveals the extra special ingrdient which enables you to go that much further is made from the urine of unsuspecting plantation workers. The militant union shop is planning to ban them in the near future. 01.30 Tales from Spain 02.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 03.00 In the Footsteps of Churchill 03.30 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise 04.00 Close

6:00 Big Brother 6 Auditions 6:55 Big Brother 6 Auditions 7:45 Big Brother 6 Auditions 8:40 Big Brother 6 Auditions 9:35 Big Brother 6 Auditions 10:40 Big Brother 6 Auditions 11:45 Big Brother 6 Auditions 12:50 Big Brother 6 Auditions 2:00 Switched 2:25 HIT40UK 2:50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 The O.C.: The Blaze of Glory. Jeez, I didn’t know Seth liked Bon Jovi. You used ot be cool man.

7:00 The O.C.: The Brothers Grim. Oasis play at the Boathouse?

8:00 100 Greatest Cartoons 12:10 Porn: A Family Business: I Want to Be an Adult Film Star 12:45 Porn: A Family Business: Roller Disco Boogie 1:20 HIT40UK 1:45 The O.C.: The Brothers Grim 2:40 Line of Fire 3:20 Line of Fire: Eminence Front 3:55 Big Brother 6 Auditions 4:55 Big Brother 6 Auditions Can you tell it’s Big Brother season. Give me a break. Guess this means TV Willy won’t see Mrs. TV Willy for about four months then. Ah well, her loss.

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6.00 GMTV 6.00-9.25 Toonattik 9.25 MOM 11.30 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Qualifying 13.10 ITV News; Weather 13.15 ITV1 Wales News and Weathe 13.20 FILM: Frankie and Johnny (1966) 14.55 Midsomer Murders 15.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather (Subtitled) 16.10 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 16.25 New You've Been Framed 17.55 Hit Me Baby One More Time Seems to happen pretty much everytime I mention ‘Doyle’ and ‘sister’ in the same sentence.

18.55 Celebrity Wrestling 20.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.00 Hit Me Baby One More Time Results 21.15 TBA 22.15 TBA 23.15 ITV News 23.30 TBA 01.30 The Magnificent Seven TV Desk! Oh yes! 02.15 1993 Forever 03.10 The Pitts 3.35 Entertainment Now! 04.00 In Profile 04.25 Cybernet 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News By the time I leave this place, this could actually be on, a new day will have started. TV Willy went home avec sa petite fille il y a une heure et nous somme encore ici et j’ai mal a la tete. I often feel like speaking ‘foreign’ when tired, hell knows why.

I also speak more shite when I’m drunk, as is probably known. I also tend to speak turd when I’m desperately trying to fill space when I can’t really think of anything particularly interesting to say. Gosh isn’t it great when Primetime takes up the whole evening? I mean, 5.30am is primetime, surely?

6.00 Sunrise 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.25 Mio Mao 7.30 Funky Valley 7.35 Make Way for Noddy 7.50 Rolie Polie Olie 8.25 Franklin 8.55 George Shrinks 9.30 Beyblade 9.55 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 10.50 Beast Wars 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Film: Danielle Steel's Family Album (1993) 16.40 Film: Disney's Sunday Drive (1986) 18.25 Charmed 19.10 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 20.00 The Farm: Updated and Unseen 21.00 five news and sport 21.15 CSI:NY 22.15 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.10 Film: 10 Rillington Place (1971) 01.15 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 02.10 Film: Total Stranger (1999) 03.40 Russell Grant's Postcards Ahh, the long-awaited return of our Russell. This week we receive a postcard from the lovely Wellington, home of the new (or indeed rather old) prehistoric shoe, discovered last week. Russell is enjoying his time in the quaint Somerset village, he goes to the King’s Arms for a cheap beer and dies.

03.45 Sunset Beach 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters I like the way you clap your hands, I like the way your write some wit, I like the way you have epileptic fits, I like the way you eat your

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Ever Wondered about Food 12:00 See Hear 12:50 Talking Movies 13:15 FILM: Adam's Rib (1949) Definitely not going to be a winner on the new KFC menu and no amount of advertising is going to change that. 14:55 FILM: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (1967) 16:40 Castle in the Country 18:40 Porridge 19:10 The Nazis: A Warning from History 20:00 Soul Deep: The Story of Black Popular Music 21:00 Conviction 22:00 Have I Got News for You 22:30 FILM: The Bridge at Remagen (1969) 0:20 FILM: Coup de Ville TV Grace stars in this film of her life (strangely enough, she doesn’t have the lead role) and he seddy and alleged links to the mafia in South Wales. 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: A Thread of Quicksilver 02:30 Biosphere 2 03:00 First Steps to Autonomy Run a successful coup, become dictator of said country, cancel all trade links, re-start agricultural revolution and share food amongst said controlled people. 03:30 Accumulating Years and Wisdom 04:00 Open Advice - A Meeting of Minds 04:30 The Founding of the Royal Society 05:00 Snapshots: How to be a Mosquito Hunter Put your huntning rifle away and get out the fly swatter. That’s the way to catch the anooying little midges.

05:15 Snapshots: Unlocking Autism 05:30 Snapshots: Leaping into Uncertainty 05:45 Snapshots: Engineering a New Life because we’re dying.

Celebrities Exposed ITV2 12.15am

Your Union

6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Tom and Jerry Kids 7:30 Dennis the Menace Advocated by TV John and TV Willy. 7:55 Watch My Chops 8:15 The Mummy 8:35 The Fairly Odd Parents 9:00 The Saturday Show 10:30 Dance Factory 11:15 Top of the Pops Saturday 12:00 BBC News; Weather 12:10 The Father Dowling Mysteries 13:00 Match of the Day Live: FA Cup Final: Arsenal v Manchester Utd 17:15 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17:30 Junior Mastermind 18:30 Doctor Who 19:10 The National Lottery: Come and Have a Go 20:00 Eurovision Song Contest 2005 This is where we find out if Javine’s ‘oops my nip fell out’ incident was headline grabbing enough to gain us more than nil points. I’m thinking not, although the track is hideously catchy.

23:20 BBC News; Weather 23:40 Match of the Day: FA Cup Final Highlights: Arsenal v Manchester Utd 12:30 FILM: A Town Called Hell (1971) Otherwise known as Ilminster, Chard, Ashbourne, Hereford, Grangetown. 02:10 Top of the Pops 02:40 Joins BBC News 24 So here we are again, nearing the end of term as we know it.

And it’s 2.10am and TV desk are ridiculously still here, despite the fact that there were six of us doing the pages this week. WHAT the FUCK do we do up here all this time?! Even I, as one of the inimitable team, do not know the answer to that question. Quote of the evening: “Lick my shirt Geordie, it’s tooth-

Conviction BBC2 9pm

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line Starring Daniella Westbrook.

08:50 Jack and the Beanstalk 11:40 Point Pleasant 12:25 The O.C. 13:15 Star Trek Enterprise 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 16:05 The Airships TafOd just farted and the fan blew it into my face. Yuk. 17:05 Musicality – The Winners’ Story 19:05 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19:20 Risg 19:50 Tipyn O Stad 20:20 Cor Cymru 2005 That Cor as in choir, rather than ‘cor, blimey guv. look at that country int she bootiful.’

21:20 O Flaen dy Lygaid 22:20 Britain’s Most Watched TV It’ll be Alright on the Night? I think this was actually in it.

02:15 FILM: Hands of the Ripper 03:45 The White Stripes Live in Blackpool 04:45 KOTV ... And so ends the first TV page to be produced by all 34 members of the TV Desk. You never know next week we might even make it a little bit interesting..

On the other hand we may throw Manners through a window.

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Sunday

Page 30

May 16 - May 22 2005

sunday@bloodysunday.ire

STUDENT SAVER

029 20229977

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Beyonce... It's Good to Be a fat arsed twat who can’t sing? Yeah me too. 9.50 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

10.50 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 11.50 Planet's Funniest Animals 12.20 American Idol 13.10 American Idol Featuring this week: Michael Jackson, McCauley Calkin, Diana Ross, Billy Idol, Barry White, Big Bird, James Van Der Beek 13.35 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.25 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.45 Celebrity Wrestling 20.00 American Idol 20.50 American Idol 21.20 American Idol: International Best of the Worst Menon’s laugh, Michelle Branch 22.20 Movies Now 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Celebrities Exposed 0.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 0.30 Million Dollar Babes 01.00 Sally Jessy Raphael Geordie, for some unbeknown reason, absolutely adores this show. He loved it enough to point out that the TV people have spelt Raphael wrong. For fucks sake, get out more! 01.50 Teleshopping 03.50 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 In the Footsteps of Churchill 19.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 20.00 In the Footsteps of Churchill 20.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 21.00 Paris Brothel Didn’t I tell you last week that BBC4 (or perhaps BBC3) would turn to porn to rake in the viewers! And look, I’m right! Brothel porn followed by a film with porn in the title. To be fair though, I’m reliably informed that the film following this has nothing to do with porn whatsoever and is pretty shite. It was showed as ‘Arty Film Of The Week’ at the only cinema on the Isle of Wight. Film: Une Liaison Pornographique (1999) 23.15 To be announced 0.10 Paris Brothel Just incase you missed the dirty porn, catch it again.

01.10 In the Footsteps of Churchill 01.40 In the Footsteps of Churchill 02.10 In the Footsteps of Churchill 02.40 In the Footsteps of Churchill 03.10 Hot Spots: Colombia An insight into the drug runners frequenting Cardiff at the moment. If they fall over they get shot. 04.10 Close

6:00 Making It 6:05 Party Animals 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 British Superbikes 7:55 The Cricket Show 8:25 Vee-Tv 8:55 T4: Futurama 9:25 T4: Popworld 10:20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 13:00 T4: Friends 13:30 T4: Faking It: The T4 Specials 14:45 T4: The O.C. 15:45 T4: Star Trek Enterprise 16:35 T4: Star Trek Enterprise 17:30 The Airships 18:30 Time Team Digs...The Modern Age 19:30 Channel 4 News 20:00 Pioneer House As a quality historian, the thing that pisses me off most about this ‘accurate’ reconstruction (come on, bear with me) is that the actors have American accents!

The accent didn’t evolve until the settlers had been in the country for decades!

The actors should be fucking English or Irish. Damn these history things they really make me mad.

21:00 The Fifth Element (1997) 23:25 Rappin’ At The Royal A possy of homies invades the ITV1 drama and proceeds to run amock, freestyling at any unsuspecting passers by. It brings havoc to the already streched local police station (look what happened to them in Heartbeat). In the end, Cliff Richard aapears singing Living Doll to brink the possy to their knees and thankfully saves the day. I love happy endings. 01:25 Headliners: Faithless 01:50 Snickers Game On 02:20 World Touring Car Championships 03:15 French Football: Le Championnat 05:00 Supporting Acts Gel bras, wonderbra, sports bra, underwired bra.

05:20 Countdown 06:05 Close

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 7.30 Toonattik 9.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9.45 Celebrity Wrestling is about as enticing as erotically licking melted cheese from between a fat, butch lesbian’s toes. 10.50 cd:uk 11.50 ITV News; Weather 11.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.00 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Live 15.20 Waterfront 15.50 FILM: At the Earth's Core (1976) there are an army of tiny little imps waiting to take over Paris. But they’re too small to hit the ‘open door’ button, so I guess we won’t be seeing them for a while. Fucking shorties. 17.25 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 17.55 Going to Seed 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 William and Mary 22.00 TBA Great planning.

Primetime on one of the four main channels on TV and they don’t fucking know what they’re showing to us eager viewing public. Good one.

23.00 ITV News 23.15 TBA 0.00 F1: Monaco Grand Prix 01.00 The Village People aren’t actually gay. Ok they are...

01.25 Kingdom of Heaven European Premiere 01.50 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.40 Trisha 03.35 Loose Women It seems that some of the new monkeys in the office have been sowing their seed with some of the more established members amongst us. I’m sworn to secrecy, but something is bound to leak soon (see what I did there?). Oh yes. Pun-tastic.

04.15 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Paris Brothel BBC4 9pm

6:00 Big Brother 6 Auditions Fuck 6:55 Big Brother 6 Auditions off 7:45 Big Brother 6 Auditions you 8:40 Big Brother 6 Auditions miserable 9:35 Big Brother 6 Auditions excuse 10:40 Big Brother 6 Auditions for 11:45 Big Brother 6 Auditions a 12:50 Big Brother 6 Auditions person 14:00 Star Wars Premiere: T4 Movie Special 14:30 Friends 15:00 Average Joe 16:00 The Next Joe Millionaire 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 The O.C. 19:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 20:00 Scrubs 20:30 Scrubs 21:00 ER 22:00 Desperate Housewives 23:00 Scrubs 23:30 Scrubs 23:55 Star Wars Premiere: T4 Movie Special 0:25 The O.C. 1:15 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 02:05 ER 02:50 Switched 03:15 Big Brother 6 Auditions Robbie in the office did work experience for BB but he’s not allowed to reveal anything.

Which doesn’t really matter.

04:10 Big Brother 6 Auditions 05:05 Big Brother 6 Auditions 5:55 Close

6.00 Softies 6.05 Bear in the Big Blue House 6.30 The SaveUms! 6.40 Bagpuss 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.25 Mio Mao 7.30 Funky Valley 7.35 Make Way for Noddy 7.50 Rolie Polie Olie 8.25 Franklin 8.50 George Shrinks because this week, he’s caught with his pants down while looking at FHM’s Top 100 Honeys 2004 by news monkey who advocates the opinion that all women who partake in such depravity are all whores. And that’s precisely the attraction. 9.25 The Secret of Eel Island 9.40 Aliens among Us 9.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 10.55 Snobs Riddler’s family open their doors to reality TV. 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 Rooted 12.30 Andalusia: The Legacy of the Moors Something to do with all those kids killed years ago by those sick fucks. Ohhh, controversial. 13.05 five news update 13.10 Film: Asteroid (1997) 15.55 Film: Marooned (1969) Thankfully this has nothing to do with those cunts of the ‘my sister rock’ generation and their Songs About Wayne.

18.15 five news 18.25 Film: The Second Jungle Book: Mowgli and Baloo (1997) 20.00 Joey 20.30 Two and a Half Men 21.00 Film: The Sweetest Thing (2002) 22.35 The Farm featuring the dirty girls of the gair rhydd office: Charissa, Sophie, TV Katie, Nicky, Perri, Menon, TV Grace and Alys.

23.30 World's Wildest Police Videos Better know as PC Bob’s home videos. 0.25 Laureus Sports Awards 2005 01.10 US Major League Baseball 04.05 Motorsport Mundial

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19.00 Doctor Who 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Generation Jedi 22.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.00 Swiss Toni Writing the TV Guide is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. Actually it’s not cos it takes fucking ages and your wrists hurt after a while. God I miss the touch of a beautiful (wo)man 0.30 Monkey Dust 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Generation Jedi All those twats who decided it would be funny to ‘create’ a new religion by claiming they were jedis.

02.55 Bang! Bang! The office just turned deathly quiet so with lightning reactions I managed to stick Looking Back On Today by The Ataris on. They may do shite covers of Don Henley songs but they’re an awesome band. I’ve got to mention The Arcade Fire at this point since TV Desk are sponsoring them right now.

Rappin’ At The Royal C4 11.35pm

P R I M E T I M E

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Past Times 11:30 Gardeners' World 12:30 FILM: 55 Days at Peking (1963) The first TV Desk outing resulted in TV Will being arrested for indecent exposure and the rest of us ending up in a Chinese brothel somewhere outside of Guangdong province. We managed to escape by performing with TV John’s rap-rock band in which all the songs contained the chorus to Don Henley’s classic song, Boys Of Summer. ‘I can see you, your pale skin shining in the sun...’ 15:00 Paralympic World Cup 16:30 The Great Manchester Run 18:00 Stately Stoats I don’t even know where to begin with this ridiculous show. We’re thinking those characters from Beatrix Potter perhaps?

18:10 Natural World 19:00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 20:00 Top Gear 21:00 Horizon 21:50 Dead Ringers This week is a Roland Rat special featuring the likes of Mr David Menon and his incredible likeness. I’d actually sleep with Menon purely because, I’ve heard, that when he orgasms he cries out ‘rat packers’. Ahhh sweetness is a news monkey.

23:50 FILM: American Movie (1999) If you’ve ever missed any shitty American teen comedy/drama then you can catch the reruns in this generic teen film. No plot, no characters just shitty teen comedy/drama.

Watch out for the generic webcam scene, it’s awesome. 01:30 Close

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6:00 Breakfast 8:40 Match of the Day: FA Cup Final Highlights 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:30 Countryfile 12:00 The Politics Show 12:55 Father Dowling Investigates 13:45 EastEnders 15:35 Bargain Hunt 16:05 As Time Goes By 16:35 Points of View 16:50 Lifeline 17:00 Songs of Praise 17:35 Strictly Dance Fever Strictly for people who lack any movement in their arms and therefore can’t change the channel from this god-awful, sad excuse for a camp show.

18:30 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 18:50 Strictly Dance Fever 19:00 Chelsea Flower Show Someone suggested I write about the Chelsea football team being gay but then I realised I don’t really like the sport and everyone knows they’re gay. Where do you think all their money goes? Ladyboys.

20:00 55 Degrees North 21:00 FILM: The Last Castle 22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:20 FILM: The Last Castle TV John organised a great big fun trip out for TV Desk on Saturday to the pinnacle of our wonderfl world, Barry Island. And then he realised that he’s working all day Saturday.

Oh well. Beer does that to some people.

23:25 FILM: The Big Hit (1998) Well that would be towards me after I made an ‘inappropriate’ joke towards Doyle’s sister which he didn’t take too well. But we’ve made up now so everything’s ok.

0:55am: Joins BBC News 24

Stately Stoats BBC2 6pm

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DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Film: The Big Hit BBC1 11.35pm

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6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 British Superbikes 7:55 The Cricket Show 8:25 Vee TV 8:55 Star Wars : T4 Movie Special 9:25 Hollyoaks 9:55 Hollyoaks 10:25 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Hollyoaks 12:00 Maniffesto 12:30 Yr Wythnos 13:00 Rownd A Rownd 13:30 Rownd A Rownd 14:00 Star Trek Enterprise 14:45 Star Trek Enterprise 15:30 Dudley 16:00 Cwpwrdd Dillad 16:30 04Wal 17:00 Hip Neu Sgip? 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwn Omnibws 19:30 Rhywng Duw A Dyn 20:00 Dechhrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20:30 Rhyfel Y Cymry 21:00 Bond - Stori Eos 22:05 Newyddion 22:15 Tipyn O Stad 22:45 Princes In The Tower 0:50 FILM: Wish You Were Here sitting in an office at midnight writing rubbish which no one I’ve yet met actually reads. So you might say...what’s the point?

(1987) 02:30 Morgan & Platell 02:55 Cinema Iran: The Cow Wasn’t this on last week? Dejavu? (1969) 04:50 Close

Letters

Page 33

May 16 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

The gair rhydd letters page I don’t have much space this week as there are too many great letters. Keep writing in, don’t work too hard. Menon.

Mirror Madness Thank you! I also thought that the Mirror went too far in its pathetic cheerleading for Labour and hysterical hatred of the Tories. I used to buy the paper because it was cheap. But I got so sick of it that I don’t buy the Mirror anymore. Reading the paper, it’s as if we’re living under a secret Labour dictatorship that controls the newspapers!

I wouldn’t mind if they were a bit more fair in their criticism about the Conservatives. But they’re not. They will attack the Tories no matter what they do.

I would understand if the election had been a close race. But Labour were always going to win. To me, picking on the Conservatives is like spitting and kicking on a crippled man who’s fallen in the street. It’s always much easier to support a winner than a loser.

Still, the Mirror shouldn’t be taken too seriously. I’ll simply say the words photos and soldiers.

our inter-university canoe polo competition that we hold annually. Our press man contacted the paper but on the weekend no one turned up. That was no problem as the article was written by a member of the comittee but then to see it in the paper completely destroyed- half of it missing and inaccuracies that had not been there when it was sent in. It happened before Easter and not during it, and the weather was actually better then how it was described by whoever edited the article with the long complicated word which I actually had to look up in the dictonary! There were also two good photos sent with it but neither were used.

I know that the ‘P.E’ sports have more competitions but when other clubs have their competitions perhaps a bit more equalness should be allowed with the articles actually used in their whole form and photos allowed in. Let’s remind the student population that there are many other clubs apart from football, netball and rugby!

Indignant non- ‘P.E.’ sportswoman

Yours, Juliet Heath

Canoe believe it?

Oar-some Response

At the beginning of the year our club was promised a reporter for our big events. We are not a ‘P.E’ sport like football, netball or rugby but we still have events.

The biggest event in our canoe club calendar was before Easter with

Having just read your letter, I feel compelled to reply and respond to a few of your points.

Firstly, we did not promise you a reporter for big games, the Athletic Union did. If they do not fulfil their promise then that is not our fault.

Secondly, to suggest that we do not cover minority sports is absolutely ridiculous and unjustified. Two weeks ago, mountain biking was on the back page. If you were to read the paper regularly, as I presume you do, you would be aware that we cover as many sports as possible and that includes the fact that we have had canoe polo on the back page before.

Also, in journalism there does exist a term called ‘news values’. We have to have an order of priority in terms of importance, that is simply the way it works.

If aspects of your report were changed to include inaccuracies then I apologise.

In terms of the weather, you do specifically mention the bad weather and how cold and windy it was in your report so I don’t think you can really have too many complaints there.

As for the general article being rewritten, we aspire to certain levels of quality and many of the articles we receive have to be re-written because of spelling and grammatical inaccuracies. Also, there is a style to sports writing which was not evident in the article we recieved and therefore it had to be changed.

Also, if the article was printed in shorter form, that is because we try to cover as many sports as we can and, as you can imagine, it is difficult to satisfy everyone. We are not interested in the party that the canoe club had on the night of the event, which constituted a paragraph of the article, so we took it out. We do the same to every article, whether it be football, rugby or canoe polo. You might be interested to know, however, that we are by far the most diverse student sports section in the UK.

letter of the week Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas. They will be available from the fourth floor of the Union.

Last word on Pope Just hoping for a quick last word on the whole dead Pope/condom use/homosexuality shenanigans (although you’ve probably had more than enough of that already), and specifically the comments made by Andrew Caldicott, who once again delivered to the GR letters page the kind of well-reasoned and rational argument we’ve come to expect from someone who once described homosexuals as suffering from “an incurable genetic disease” (Jesus, Andy, it’s been - what? - six years... haven’t you got a new hobby yet?).

Yeah, ok, of course the Pope’s a Catholic, and of course you’d expect him to follow Catholic Doctrine but and stop me if I’m being a hypocritical moron here - the idea that such doctrine should not be criticised seems a pretty dumb one. Two reasons: i) The Pope is an internationally respected figure whose pronouncements and actions have an effect on the wider world outside the Catholic faith; moreover, if he backs initiatives that basically involve lying to his

flock (Cardinal Trujillo’s comments on condom use spring to mind), those who know better have a duty to point this out to those who might suffer as a result. ii) Those of the Catholic faith (even the lapsed variety like myself) are kidding themselves if they think Doctrine is some kind of checklist where all you have to do is tick off the boxes to ensure that you’re virtuous. Catholic Doctrine is an evolving body of thought that exists as a dialogue between established positions and our increasing knowledge of the world and human nature. To give an example, the teaching regarding contraception is, as far as I know, heavily based on Augustine’s conception of human sexuality as a sin redeemed only though procreation - a conception that would seem at odds with a more modern understanding of human sexuality and psychology.

Indeed, one of Ratzinger’s few positive influences on John Paul II was to persuade him not to make the Church’s stance on the matter infallible, that is, to leave it open to revision in the future should new knowledge or arguments emerge.

As for expecting the Pope to follow a “raving leftie PC agenda” I’m not entirely sure what promoting respect for your fellow human beings regardless of their sexuality has to do with that, nor in what way exactly, the desire to help arrest the spread of AIDS is hypocritical, moronic, ‘PC’, or left wing (Christ alive, even I wouldn’t slander the Tories that badly), nor how any of this is related to tossing out the Ten Commandments (there isn’t one saying “Thou shalt not be a bummer”, by the way) or adopting Satanism (?).

And sorry Clare Martin, I don’t want to lump you in with this lunatic, but the answer to the problems of condom use in the Third World is promoting proper education on how to use them, not telling people they’re ineffective and were invented for prostitutes.

In any case, Andy, you’ve given some reasons - flawed as they may be - why we might expect the Pope to be against homosexuality; but given that it’s all “rubbish designed to control the masses” - what’s your excuse?

Simon Waltho

Feel free to come up to the office and I’ll show you some other student papers. Most don’t even feature university sport.

As for the photos, we have space restrictions so photos go in if we have space and if we feel they add to the article.

It is immensely frustrating for you to claim that we focus on football, netball and rugby when this just simply is not the case. Look back at the papers from the year and you will realise that you are absolutely, 100% wrong.

Finally, I visited every stall at this year’s AU Sports Fair and distributed guidelines to every club on how to write an article. If these guidelines are followed and the report is of a high quality, it is far less likely to be ‘butchered’, or what we refer to in journalism as ‘edited’.

John Stanton, Sports Editor

Judge Jules’ Jibe Charissa, 1: Yes, I’m arrogant and opinionated.

While the former is not the most attractive character trait, I see no problem with having an opinion, and most students in Cardiff would wonder why thinking for yourself is a bad thing.

2: Having spent so much time at school being physically beaten because of the way I dressed, yes, I do find it insulting that those same people who administered said beatings now dress like me. I also find it insulting when they tell me they always liked the way I dressed.

3: Pressure of conformity is precisely why I had the subject matter to write an article in the first place, because people are desperate to conform to the latest trend. I’ve always found fashion victims sad, and I’m sorry if that offends you, but I will not make any secret of that.

4: Yes, I attacked fembots. I wasn’t the only one, and there always will be people attacking them, because people will always think it’s ridiculous to make that much effort for a nine o’

text

clock lecture on a rainy Cardiff Monday morning.

5: Yes, it does irritate me that people stay silent in a seminar. Someone, whether it’s “daddy” or your LEA is shouldering the £1000 odd cost per year for you to be there. How is that money well spent if all you do is sit there looking bored, watching the clock? It’s a form of stupidity in itself.

Swallow your pride, and open your mouth. Even if you are wrong, at least you’re thinking.

6: No, it doesn’t matter if you dress like a rocker if you’re not. Which is precisely why the article appeared on the opinion page. Those are opinions you’re reading, not laws, and it’s your own fault for getting so annoyed over what one person thinks.

7: You, your make-up, your miniskirt and your 80% grade are going nowhere near my arse. Had it not been for that unnecessary comment, and your Gay Ride joke which stopped being funny before either you or I came to Cardiff, a lot more people would have thought you had something worthwhile to say. Now they’ll think you’re as lazy a journalist as I am.

Jules Thorpe-Smith, 3rd year.

Please email your letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

If there are any corrections or clarifications we should be aware of, please let us know.

07791165837

A monkey could have organised a better line up for the summer ball In the maths building there lives a magical little man.

Dear Charissa, nearly pissed my panties reading your article.

Couldnt have put it better myself- what a knobend.

Thankyou! Love fellow fembot!

Spotted: will talmage opposite the old skittle alley on woodville road

Why is the end of my penis called the head? should i ask lily savage? mmm

By the time u have read this page, everybody wud have lost their hair.

Does anyone know how to unstick superglued fingers?

Bananaman is no minger!

He’s god damn sexy and great in bed.

everyone else noticed the rediculously fit librarian in the business school? She is BAAA-ZERK

Five Minute Fun

May 16 2005

Page 35

fiveminutefun@gairrhydd.com

?

The Big Quiz* * The management reserves the right to refuse entry. ID may be required, especially if you’re wearing a hoodie

3. What do people who say things like ‘I literally shat myself’ mean by ‘literally’?

A: B: C: D:

1. Which of these politicians has a glass eye?

A: B: C: D:

In Other News*

B: On A Friday C: Animal Killers D: Lifes Rich Pageant

*made you look

That’s what actually happened, honestly Metaphorically It has to do with a book I’m a flailing buffoon

4. Where was Patrick Viera born?

Tony Blair Michael Howard Tony Benn Gordon Brown

A: B: C: D:

2. What were Radiohead originally called?

England France Senegal A countr y that no longer exists answers: 1.D, 2.B, 3.B, 4.C, 5.D

A: Toss For Idiots

1) Old man sits on a venice beach bench, features indented peeling and shiny. In one hand he holds a bottle the other gestures wildly. He hums, stopping occasionally to mumble profanities. A young man approaches; designer suit, briefcase.

“I fought the war for you” “Thanks” 2) This is my first time in the gair rhydd offices, the walls have pictures implying (stating?) various staff members have sex with animals. I don’t know the law on bestiality, but I do know that a few years ago Jack Straw was interested in changing it .

3) In France so as long as the animal isn’t harmed it’s legal (I wouldn’t like to be the police officer interviewing the animal, ‘and then what did he do?’)

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Did you have fun? Did it take five minutes? I’m the new editor, hello. I’m not convinced by the name of this page. A friend suggested it might be ‘innuendo heavy’, which if it is, is a bit rubbish. I haven’t eaten in the above restaurant but I’m assured it’s quite good, that said I clearly have an editorial responsibility to say that. Last night I went to see the Magic Numbers in CLwb Ifor Bach, they were useless. Crucially, all their songs were over 5 minutes and weren’t the aural equivalent of crosswords.

Colm

tie breaker . . .

is it just me or is the offside rule really obvious?

Six Degrees of...

This week: Politicians, look there’s some. What do these 6 have in common?

Incidently one recently changed party, bonus if you know who.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ The fruit what you be: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: They are all Labour candidates who lost their seats in the election. They are left to right, top to bottom - Jon Owen Jones, Tony Coleman, Oona King, Helen Clark, Roger Casale, and Stephen Twigg. It’s Helen Clark who left and joined the Conservatives, she was, apparently, angry about Iraq and Tuition-Fees, yeah, like that’s original.

Recommended

Page 36

S G N I LIST

Elvis Costello

listings@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd’s very nearly award-winning Cardiff If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. Though Pick e of th k Wee

@St. David’s Hall

Waterson :

Carthy

@St. David’s Hall

Wed 18 May 8pm / £10 NUS

Sun 22 May 8pm / £28.50

Sefton Recommends

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aterson : Carthy, English folk music’s most prodigious family bring their charm, talent, and considerable presence to bear on the latest instalment of the St David’s Hall’s frequently excellent ‘Roots Unearthed’ season.

English folk music owes a great deal to the collected talents of Waterson : Carthy, both for their innovation and for their weighty contribution to the preservation of the traditional music of the British Isles.

Martin Carthy released his first album way back in 1965 and since then has worked with the cream of the British folk scene including Steeleye Span, Dave Swarbrick, The Albion Band, The Watersons, Brass Monkey, and currently Martins 4 whilst maintaining a busy solo career.

He was the recipient of this year’s "Folk Singer of The Year" award at the annual BBC Radio2 Folk Awards ceremony in February and back in 1998 he was awarded an MBE for services to English folk music.

Schmit Recommends

I

n the recent months when Cardiff has been a temporary abode for such musical legends as Queen, Little Richard, and er, Girls Aloud (well, maybe not the last one), it seems only fitting that Elvis Costello should follow.

Declan Patrick McManus became known as ‘Elvis Costello’ in 1949 after his manager decided to merge Declan’s stage name of ‘DP Costello’ with that of rock n’ roll legend Elvis Presley.

Costello went on to release such classic albums as This Years Model, Almost Blue, Punch the Clock, and Brutal Youth.

It’s not just his impressive repertoire of classics that should make you take note. Costello has had his songs appear in an impressive array

COMING UP

of films such as Cold Mountain, Ausin Powers, The Godfather Part III and E.T the Extra-Terrestrial.

Costello returns with an eagerly anticipated UK tour to promote new offering The Delivery Man. With The Delivery Man (Elvis Costello and the Imposters' first release for Lost Highway) one of modern music's most admired and prolific talents has delivered a remarkable album that draws more deeply from American roots music than in any of his releases since King of America in 1986.

It is a collection that ranges from the ferocious, bass-driven opening track, ‘Button My Lip’, which speaks in the voice of a desperate man on the verge of committing a terrible crime, to a tender and timely, closing rendition of ‘The Scarlet Tide’, referred to by Costello's cocomposer and fellow Oscar

May 16 2005

It is not just his virtuoso guitar playing and fine voice but his passion and commitment to Britain’s traditional music which have earned Martin Carthy his reputation.

Also a recipient of an MBE, Norma Waterson (Carthy’s wife) was a founding member of 60s folk harmony group the Watersons.

Her powerful and warm voice remains one of the most admired in British music. In 1996 she came a very close second to a pop band in the Mercury Music Prize.

Martin and Norma’s daughter, Eliza Carthy, has firmly established her own musical identity.

Having managed to balance the urge to innovate with the desire to preserve, Eliza has mixed her own original compositions with interpretations of traditional song and has not shied away from contemporary musical influences.

Known for her charisma and lively stage performances, Eliza’s singing and magnificent fiddle playing have seen her win popular acclaim and a Mercury Music Prize nomination to boot.

Tim van Eyken is the odd man out here, being directly related to precisely none of the other performers but musically speaking he fits in wonderfully. The 1998 recipient of the BBC Young Folk Award adds a fourth voice to the group not to mention his remarkable melodeon playing.

The opportunity to see two towering landmarks of the British musical landscape, an established young star, and a steadily emerging talent on the same stage is rare.

The opportunity to see such a group in Cardiff is as good as gold dust. Don’t pass it up.

Nominee, T Bone Burnett as an "anti-fear song."

Like a lot of great things in music history, The Delivery Man can be said to have started with the late great Johnny Cash: “The Delivery Man is actually a character imported from a song I wrote in about 1986 for Johnny Cash," Costello explains.

"He's based on a real character. I read this story in the paper about a man who confessed to murdering his childhood friend thirty years later, having been in prison for a number of other things. I thought this story was very interesting because he'd carried this burden of guilt of this childhood crime.”

So if you want to catch Costello anytime soon in the UK tour, now’s probably your best opportunity, as after the tour he hastily jets off to the US of A.

Mark Knopfler - Tue 24 May @CIA ... The Louis Stewart / Gilad Atzmon Quintet - Tue 24 May @St. David’s Hall - 8pm / £10 ... Tom Jones - Sat 28 May @Ynysangharad Park, Pontypridd ... Roni Size - Thurs 2 June @Cardiff SU ... Elton John - Tues 14 June @CIA ... Jimmy Eat World - 16 June @Cardiff SU ... Suzanne Vega - Wed 29 June @St. David’s Hall / £17.50 ... Kings of Leon - Sat 2 July @CIA ... Amy Winehouse - Sun 3 July @St. David’s Hall / £13.50... REM & The Zutons - Sun 10 July @Millennium Stadium ... Funeral for a Friend - Sun 10 July @Cardiff SU ... Keith Barret Show Live - Sun 17 July @Cardiff Millennium Centre ... Motorhead - 3 Nov @Cardiff SU

May 16 2005

Day By Day

Page 37

listings@gairrhydd.com

listings with Muddiman, Sefton and Schmit. take note, we have been called “encyclopedic”...

Monday16/05

Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies & Mr Potter. 7-11pm. £1 NUS. Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff and Rowan. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing and singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm. £2/£1 if you perform.

Pick Of The Day Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Dead Fly Buchowski / Moscow / Quaid.

DFB are definitely one of the freshest bands around, combining so many musical influences it makes it near impossible to describe. Highly recommended. 8pm £5 Live @Barfly The Blood Arm / Red Organ Serpant Sound / The Bleaches. As Franz Ferdinand's favourite band, a fact which the Scots have crowed from the hilltops with regularity, The Blood Arm have a lot to live up to. £6.

7.30pm.

Donovan @St. David’s Hall From folk singer to flower child to timeless musical poet. £20. 8pm.

Friday20/05

Quality Control @Taf, SU Hosted by top-notch DJ, Killer Tomato. Hip hop, funk, breaks, d‘n’b. 9pm-2am. Free.

Fat Friday @Solus, SU It’s a revamped Lashtastic. Only they have dancers behind screens. What I want to know is why are they hidden behind screens? 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro. 10pm. £3.50.

Mad4It! @Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors, etc, etc. Yawn. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Live @Barfly Polysics / The Hot Puppies / My Little Murder. Do you know anything about any of these bands? If so please inform us as we really don’t. No... seriously. I like the sound of The Hot Puppies though. 7.30pm. £5 adv.

Lesley Garret @St. David’s Hall Britain’s best loved northern windbag and soprano. There you have it. Not to be confused with the TV programme. £10 - £42. 7.30pm.

Blues Dragon Club @ Cafe Jazz Salty blues of some sort. 9.30pm. £3.

Pick Of The Day Live @The Point (Mount Stuart Square) Hells Bells. UK tribute band to AC/DC covering the period 1980 onwards. I suggest wearing school uniform and attempting to blag free entry. If that tempts you then you could always head to Jumpin’ Jaks on a Thursday. Contact venue for further (or indeed any) details.

Tuesday17/05

Comedy Club @Seren Las, SU 8-11pm. £4 NUS. Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50.

Open Mic @The Toucan There’s a mic. It’s open.

Live @Barfly Locus Of Control / Jonny Mental / Alison's Op. Crickhowell's immensely powerful rock machine Locus Of Control return with their wonderfully bleak, in-your-face, melodylashed metal, and having toured with such luminaries as punk rock legends Goldfinger and emo starlets thisGIRL, it should give some indication of the quality to expect.

7.30pm. £4.

Live @St. David’s Hall Russian State Symphony Orchestra. A celebratory close to the Orchestral Concert Series with an evening of Russian orchestral fireworks played in truly authentic style by the Russian State Symphony Orchestra.

Rich sweeping melodies from Khachaturian’s great Soviet ballets are heard alongside Rachmaninov’s brilliant tribute to the spirit of the demon fiddler, Paganini, and Tchaikovsky’s tempestuous Fourth Symphony. £9.50 - £28. 7.30pm.

Pick Of The Day Boogie Nights 2 @New Theatre A whole night of slightly camp dance shenanigans. Runs from Monday to Saturday so naturally it makes a welljudged appearance in the Tuesday column. Tickets start from £7.

Saturday21/05

Come Play @Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul, funk, and Latin in the Xpress Lounge. Sweets and stuff, and apparently Jordan, or so the poster seems to indicate. I should point out that Jordan isn’t actually going to be there. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @Barfly Ben and Rich have a change of name but not a change of heart. 40 years of classic and current indie. 10.30pm. £3 NUS. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Mind Your Head @Toucan Downstairs at the Toucan: Captain Paranoid & guest MCs. Free B4 10pm/£3.50 after.

Mothership Convention @Toucan Upstairs at the Toucan: Cardiff's longest standing 'Live' funk night hosted by Funki Dregz and the Intergalactic Funk Federation. Live bands from across the galaxy along with the best local rare groove and nu-beat DJ's including Paul Lions, Krissy Jenkins, to name a few.

10pm - 2am. Free entry before 10pm.

Pick Of The Day Live @Barfly Hal / Baxter Dury / Fionn Regan. Hal's debut album is the sound of four young Irish men by-passing the computerised production line of 21st century music to create both a perfect piece of pop joy and an aching heartbreaker of an album. The hook-laden songs have great vocals (the brothers harmonise a seemingly impossible falsetto) and breezy arrangements. £7.50. 7pm.

Daniel O’Donnell @C.I.A Please note this has been CANCELLED. Probably due to public demand.

Wednesday18/05

Rubber Duck @Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. Need I say anymore? 10pm. £3.

Wednesday Social @The Barfly Relax, soak up the atmosphere or play an impromptu set. Bring a banjo. 12noon-2.30pm.

Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors.

This is the overspill. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Cheapskates @Metros Alternative & cheese. 9pm-2am.

All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco. Popscene: indie. Milky Bar: electric chill out and Playstations! 9.30pm. £2.50 NUS. Wednesdays @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Bread and Butter @The Toucan Not of the pudding variety. Night of hip hop and new beats. 10pm. £2.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm. Free. That’s all we got.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.

8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS. Live @Barfly Echo Mind / Kyshera / Leberasm. So much information courtesy of the Barfly website and not enough space to share it with you lovely people. In fact maybe I have too much space and hence mindless blabbing. £4. 7pm.

Pick Of The Day Waterson : Carthy @St. David’s Hall See facing page for details.

Cafe Cabaret Open Brain @Cafe Jazz Wacky new venture with a leading hand from local eccentric gent, Fred Snow. 9pm. £3.

Jim Barber Trio @Riverbank Hotel Outstanding local pianist, Jim Barber leads this popular outfit with special guest, the exceptional tenor saxophonist, Osian Roberts. 9pm. £4/£3.

Sunday22/05

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU Questions.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3s and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Acoustic Cafe @Toucan Bar Open mic sessions where anyone can get up and jam or just listen. They provide the guitar and mic; you provide the talent. Hosted by Peter & Lee. A team reminiscent of Morecombe and Wise but considerably less amusing and at least marginally more alive.

8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Teen Spirit @Barfly A group of happy (they do exist) teenagers are caged like chickens, and have thier spirits crushed. Where did you think emo kids came from? An aptly named night, no doubt inspired by the smell Barfly is capable of producing after a full night of mosh-induced sweating.

7pm.

Pick Of The Day Elvis Costello @St. David’s Hall See facing page for further details.

Humble prostration @a religious or spiritual establishment of your choice In these days of ‘Political Correctness’ I’m probably supposed to avoid saying ‘church’ or ‘mosque’ or naming any specific place of worship. But wherever you do your holy grovelling, please remember to send us here at listings a postcard and / or money. Send it to ‘poor and bored listings editors @ gair rhydd office.’ I shall be doffing my spiritual hat, and donning my ecclesiastical pajamas to my own favourite psychological crutch deity, Zzzzz, god of the unfeasibly lengthy weekend lie-in. If worship isn’t your idea of a day well spent and you exhausted all possible conversation on the merits of bacon last Sunday, then why not construct a working replica of Boris Yeltsin.

Thursday19/05

Devious @Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Metal @Metros Er... metal. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night.

And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late.

8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul/hippy funk with The Pockets.

8pm-1am. £3/£2.

Pick Of The Day The Little Flames @The Barfly The Little Flames’ sonic wares have been compared to the likes of Delta-mates, The Coral, The Zutons and The Dead 60s. £4.

7pm.

Lesson No. 1 & Forecast Presents...@Clwb Ifor Bach Venetian Snares / C64 / Stabmaster Vinyl / Frog Pocket. 8pm. £6.

BBC National Orchestra of Wales @St. David’s Hall Stravinsky’s The Rite of Spring is one of the great orchestral showpieces - a searing explosion of energy that evokes the violent arrival of the Russian spring. In sharp contrast is Tchaikovsky’s Violin Concerto, whose soaring melodies and song-like lyricism never fail to warm the hearts of audiences. £9.50 - £19.50.

7.30pm.

Dance on the Beat @The Gate Arts Centre (Keppoch Street) A dynamic fusion of live music, breakdancing, DJing and digital video.

Devised by Charlie Barber, it brings together musicians from Raw Goods with local hip hop man, the very talented DJ Jaffa and pitches breakdancers from Urban Crew alongside dancer Andy Howitt. Further info available at www.soundaffairs.co.uk. 8pm.

Welsh Independent Dance @Chapter The ever popular Dance Bytes programme, Triple Exposure, by critically acclaimed British choreographer Charlotte Vincent. £3.50. 8pm.

VENUES

Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com

“I don’t think I’ll be starting handicapped in any way.”

Spor t gair rhydd

Issue 787 16 May 2005 | Email: sport@gairrhydd.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

Lisa Gwinnett, AU President 2005/06, May 2005

Cricket Special

Hinder’s a winner

Comprehensive reports: season draws to a close

Meet the winner of the AU President’s Award

Page 39 and 40

Below

BELOW: Athletic Union affairs

Gwinnett: A fairer deal for students New AU President promises improved service

By Ed Jones Sports Correspondent INCOMING ATHLETIC Union President Lisa Gwinnett has been refining her plans for her forthcoming year in office and is hopeful that she can make a real difference for Cardiff students.

Gwinnett is keen to stress that everybody who takes part in sport at Cardiff will enjoy an even better service next year: “I’ll be looking to allocate the budget to look after all areas of uni sport – from BUSA and IMG competitions to the occasional user of the university’s facilities.”

It’s clear that Gwinnett learned even more about the students’ experiences of uni sport on the campaign trail and is positive that her tenure will deliver immediate results: “The week after the freshers’ sports-fair, I’m planning to hold an IMG fair.

People were telling me that they only heard about IMG through word of mouth. With a fair of their own, all the IMG teams can represent themselves and recruit members.”

The AU’s publicity and communication structure is high on the agenda of the President-to-be: “On the campaign trail I was speaking to IMG players who complained about

a lack of communication – say, not hearing about games being cancelled. One of the first things I want to do is look at the AU website. I think it could be vastly improved. It needs to look really professional and be continually updated.

“I want to introduce a better IMG section on the website. There’s no reason why you can’t have results, tables and team information. It will raise the profile of IMG and help the atmosphere within IMG itself.

You’ve got to remember that over half the 5,000 AU members we have play IMG sport.”

Throughout her campaign, Gwinnett also maintained a desire to assist the clubs that represent the university and help them perform even better in BUSA competitions.

But how does she plan to improve results?

“Anyone who plays much sport knows the importance of good coaching. I’m going to help all of the BUSA teams find quality, professional coaching. I want to start by looking within the university – perhaps for older students who have played at a high level. You don’t know what skills are out there until you look. This means publicising throughout the university’s depart-

Hind’s sights

By Rowan Belojica Sports Correspondent DESPITE HIS status as AU Sportsman of the Year, Charlie Hinder doesn’t feel he deserves to be singled out and is quick to point out that water polo is definitely a team game.

The Cardiff University and Wales pit defender also coaches the men and women’s teams, and is full of praise for a club he describes as one of the best in the union. He is even disappointed that both teams didn’t win the BUSA championships: “For both teams to finish third is quite a good achievement. It’s a sign of our drive that we’re disappointed at coming third.”

Hinder believes the team’s success is down to old-fashioned hard work and a settled team, with several players established over a number of years. The hour and a half training sessions everyday before each BUSA game probably helped as well.

The club had a great time at the AU ball despite failing to win the coveted Club of the Year award. Charlie’s individual success came as a surprise: “I was really, really shocked,” he confirms, “I had no clue, and I had to pinch myself to really believe it.”

Charlie started playing water polo

at secondary school eight years ago, and has become good enough to make the Welsh squad, qualifying through residency after three years here. This means that he now has 10 hours training to fit in with the Welsh squad every weekend - not easy when you consider he is also a medicine student.

The Welsh squad are training extremely hard for their participation in next year’s Commonwealth Games, which Charlie is eager to play in. The team also have an important tournament in Switzerland coming up which will be a good indicator of their progress. The Commonwealth Games are probably the highest level a Welsh international can achieve as they are secondary only to the ultracompetitive Olympics, which are dominated by Eastern European teams.

Charlie recommends water polo to anyone who is interested in taking up the sport - as long as they are not scared of hard work.

He said: “It’s an excellent sport but it’s not easy to pick up. It’s not something I’d recommend to anyone for just a year. There are many elements to it. You need to be both a very strong swimmer and then develop the hand-skills. It’s ideal for any strong swimmer who is prepared to stick at it for a number of years.”

ments to find the advice and support that clubs are seeking.”

While she is keen to praise the work of the current AU staff, Lisa acknowledges that it has been a somewhat turbulent year in the AU office with the suspension of AU President James Cole. She said: “I

don’t think I’ll be starting off handicapped in any way. If anything it’ll make it easier for me to have an impact and show what having a proper, settled AU President in place can offer.” Lisa is clearly eager to take on her lead role in next year’s all-female line-up within the AU.

GWINNETT: Unveiling her plans for next year

AU VICE’S

COLUMN

A

FTER THE intensity of Varsity and Welsh Cup finals in recent weeks, it was a far quieter Wednesday for our sports clubs this past week, with only our male cricket sides fulfilling fixtures at Llanrumney.

Unfortunately, it proved to be an off day for our first team who were knocked off the top of the BUSA Premier table after being on the wrong end of a comprehensive defeat by Bristol.

It was a more productive day for our seconds, however, who completed a comfortable win over Bath.

It also proved to be a disappointing day for our ladies’ football side who were unable to cap off a superb season when academic commitments prevented them from travelling to play their Premier League promotion play-off against University of Hertfordshire.

So as the BUSA season draws to a close it’s almost time to reflect on what has been an up and down year for Athletic Union clubs.

A year which saw five of our clubs winning BUSA league titles and the winning of the Varsity Shield also saw lows with some clubs agonisingly missing out on respective league and play-off titles.

Cardiff are currently in 18 th place in the overall BUSA standings.

Cricket

May 16 2005

Page 39

sport@gairrhydd.com

Seconds battered in Bour nemouth while Lloyds lift firsts into top spot

SLIPPING AWAY? Cardiff’s season continues to rise and fall PHOTO: Nick Parnell

By Aled Lloyd & James Woodroof Cricket Correspondents THE CARDIFF FIRST XI cricket team continued to make up for their slip-up against UWIC with a comfortable win over Brighton at Bexhill CC. Brighton claimed the toss and invited Cardiff to bat, following the away side’s late arrival. Brighton’s opening bowlers enjoyed early movement on a green pitch, but the Cardiff opening batsmen battled hard and survived to complete a 100 partnership.

Aled Lloyd (60) fell first, but cap-

tain Lloyd Ebden went on to make 75.

Solid batting from the rest of the Cardiff line-up was capped-off by a whirlwind 32 not-out from James Breese, which took the score to 257-5 from 50 overs.

Brighton’s innings began aggressively, but was halted by Tim Jones’s early breakthroughs. Wickets fell at regular intervals as the pressure of needing over five runs per over began to tell on the Brighton batsmen.

A courageous innings from A Phillips (87) ensured Brighton had an outside chance, but wickets continued to fall at the other end with disciplined bowling from Veejay SkandaKumar and Warren Stafford. Phillips

was the final wicket to fall as Brighton were bowled out for 209, giving Cardiff their second successive win.

Meanwhile, the second XI travelled to the glorious venue of Dean Park in Bournemouth, attempting to kick start their disappointing season.

Putting into bat on a lively pitch, Cardiff made a steady start, reaching 30 without loss from 10 overs.

Woodroof was unlucky to be given LBW to a ball sliding down the legside, an omen which led the side to a mini collapse. However, debutant Tom McNeil was the saving grace, reaching his half-century before being bowled. Cardiff were lucky to

see off their allotted overs, but 149 all-out looked a long way short.

Openers Mark Jenner and James Woodroof were wayward, as Bournemouth raced away to 50-0 from just five overs. Changes ensued, as Pete Church and Steve Hughes pegged the home side back to a respectable rate. Runs kept coming, and Cardiff never really threatened, as the Bournemouth captain guided his side to a comfortable win with 18 overs to spare and eight wickets in hand.

A disappointing performance all round means the side face a relegation scrap and must raise their game against Bath midweek.

Bath victory keeps season afloat Tom McNeil blasts a quick-fire 91 to give Cardiff a chance of final-day BUSA progression

By Ed Jones Cricket Correspondent CARDIFF’S SECOND XI beat Bath second XI by 69 runs in a game that never looked like a contest. A second-placed finish and a place in the knock-out stage is still a possibility.

Cardiff batted first in bright conditions on a good wicket and the boundaries flowed immediately. Tom McNeil’s early stroke-play was immaculate. The elegant right-hander drove the new ball through the off-side with great finesse.

McNeil was well-supported by Jamie Butt, who made a swift 44 and Cardiff reached the twenty-over mark 100 for 2.

McNeil, was finally bowled out on 91 as his concentration seemed to wane. He played across the line once too often and was denied what would otherwise have been a fine hundred.

Skipper Willem Van Der Colff added an important 21 while debutante Andy Cormick will have been particularly pleased with his display. A lower-order

collapse could’ve threatened to severely limit the Cardiff score but Cornick made an unbeaten 55 to see his side through to an impressive 278

all out.

The 279-run target always looked beyond the reach of a Bath line-up that was recently dismissed by Exeter seconds for only 46. James Collins took a wicket in the second over of the bath innings and a similar scoreline looked possible.

PHOTO: Nick However, a Parnell q u i t e

extraordinary passage of play was to follow. Bath number three, Dick Pilott, produced an unbeaten 106 having survived seven dropped catches. Slip-catches, skiers and skimmers were all put down by a Cardiff fielding side that clearly took a shining to the Bath performer.

Consequently, Cardiff made heavy work of the game, allowing the opposition to reach 209 by the time the tenth wicket

BUSA Pos

fell. Seamer Collins returned to wrap up the tail, after off-spinner Ed Jones was particularly economic, taking 2 for 28 from his ten overs. Skipper Van Der Colff took 3-54 from his ten, while legspinner Rohan Bandi made good use of a turning wicket, taking 2 for 32 from his eight.

The seconds travel to Exeter on Sunday for the final game of the season.

Western Conference Trophy 1A P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Bournemouth 1s

4

4

0

0

323

24

2

Exeter 2s

4

3

0

1

114

18

3

Cardiff 2s

4

2

0

2

-100

12

4

Bath 2s

3

1

0

2

-231

6

5

Gloucester 2s

2

0

0

2

-5

0

6

Exeter 3s

3

0

0

3

-101

0

On the edge

Story continued from Back Page Visiting bowler Wild claimed three of the last four wickets, and wrapped up the innings by dismissing number 11 Duncan Bell who was bowled after attempting to leave the ball.

Needing 103 to win, Bristol made a sluggish start and were soon reduced to 9-2. Stafford continued his impressive performance by bowling Bristol opener Kanishka for seven.

Moments later, Bell made amends for his batting error. The Cardiff pace-bowler sent fellow visiting opener Walters back to the pavilion for a duck, after the batsman played the ball onto his own stumps.

Regretfully, the Bristol batsmen began to grow in confidence and the anticipated struggle over the finish line soon became a stroll in the park for the visitors.

There was hope for Cardiff when Stafford claimed his second wicket, bowling Swetman for 27 when the Bristol batsman attempted to play a pull-shot.

But Bristol number three Chalkley played some delightful shots and swiftly reached 48.

When trying to reach 50 in true style, the high-scoring batsman only managed to pick out Bell in the field who unfortunately dropped the catch.

Cardiff’s misery was compounded when Bristol number five Thompson (14 not-out) scored the winning runs by smashing a ball to the leg-side boundary, leaving Chalkley stranded on 49 not out.

Bristol ran away as worthy winners and Cardiff must improve their batting in order to have any chance of reaching the quarter-finals.

Spor t gair rhydd

Inside: Meet next year’s Athletic Union President

ON THE EDGE

F i rsts lose but stay top

Pos 1

Cardiff 1s

2

Brighton 1s

3

Bristol 1s

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

P

2

0

2

65

12

4

2

0

1

-46

12

3

1

0

0

3

6

1

1

0

1

-1

6

2

4

UWIC 1s

0

0

-1

0

5

1

1

Southampton 1s

0

0

-20

0

6

1

1

St Mary’s 1s

By Dave Menon Cricket Correspondent A MEDIOCRE BATTING performance condemned Cardiff firsts to a heavy defeat at the hands of Bristol, leaving hopes of gaining a quarter-final spot resting on other results.

This latest reverse at Llanrumney puts pressure on Cardiff, as victory at Southampton is now essential if progress is to be made in this year’s national competition.

After batting first, Cardiff were dismissed for 102 with more than five overs to spare.

Following a shaky start, Bristol reached their victory target by losing only three wickets with a massive 24.4 overs remaining.

Cardiff captain Lloyd Ebden was disappointed with the result and said afterwards: "We underperformed with the bat and didn’t put enough runs on the board. If you don’t bat well, you’re not going to beat a team like Bristol.

"If we beat Southampton on Sunday (May 15) we have an outside chance of qualifying for the quarters. You never know, we were top of the league before today’s game."

Cardiff didn’t start too well, as skipper

Ebden departed without troubling the scorers.

Most of the top-order soon followed, as the hosts struggled to a disappointing 40-6.

But a solid 50 partnership between Warren Stafford (28) and Tim Jones (30) steadied the ship, as Cardiff began to fight their way back into proceedings.

Sadly the reprieve was short-lived, as the hosts collapsed from 99-6 to 102 all-out, losing four wickets for only three runs. But the Bristol bowlers deserve credit for polishing off the home tail at lightning speed.

Story continued on Page 39

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

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GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMANS IN PETERBOROUGH ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT

BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ■ KUDOS TO ELGAN ■ DOYLE BURNS RUBBER WITH COULTHARD ■ NEWS AND SPORT NOT DEDICATED ENOUGH ■ ALYS SLEEPS HER WAY TO THE TOP ■ MERRY BERI GETS LAIRY ■ LOYND REVEALS ARABIC VIRGINITY TAKER ■ MENON LACKS POLITICAL ALLIES ■ STANTON AND TALMAGE IN GAY LOVEBITE SCANDAL ■ NEWS ARE “DULLER THAN A TRAIN LOAD OF SLEEPING ACCOUNTANTS” - MEIRION JONES ■ LISTINGS■