gair rhydd - Issue 788

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

WORST. PAPER. EVER. This week’s paper is slimmer than Ally McBeal, but we still have the exam essentials: Dr. Matt, grab! and, of course, TV TELEVISION P11

ISSUE 788 May 23 2005

FREE

NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04

MULE OVER THIS...

There’s some retro popstars, Star Wars and a veritable feast of summer albums QUENCH MAGAZINE

BID FOR FREEDOM

By Dan Ridler Deputy News Editor A CARDIFF STUDENT pleaded guilty to charges of deception last week after selling more than £2,000 of counterfeit business software on the internet auction site Ebay.

Matthew Phillips, a business studies student from Bonvilston in the Vale of Glamorgan, was convicted of selling counterfeit copies of Microsoft software to unsuspecting buyers to help fund himself through university.

Phillips initially began by selling Beatles records on Ebay at modest profits but soon turned to the more lucrative market for counterfiet software.

“I told myself I was saving people money” he said. “It was counterfiet but it was still a product and it would still work.”

The money making scheme was initially exposed by a buyer of a copy of Microsoft Office which Phillips

auctioned for £150, a saving on the £700 retail price which Microsoft demand.

Following this initial incident, Phillips was bailed by the police on the understanding that he stopped using Ebay.

But Phillips admitted he had become addicted to the thrill, and with spiralling student debts, he returned to Ebay against the restrictions of his bail order.

The business student then turned to selling Microsoft Server, a business program, which retails for thousands of pounds.

Again he was reported to the police, this time by a duped businessman who had paid thousands for the conterfeit software.

He was saved from a prison sentence thanks to an intervention by his father, a company director, who payed the £5,300 fine and asked the court not to sentence his son to prison but rather to allow him to deal with Matthew himself.

Phillips was sentenced to a 150

hour community service order on top of the fine. He was apologetic last week. “I regeret what I ve done but I felt like it was the only option,” he said.

“I don’t want to be judged, it’s the one mistake I’ve made in my life” he continued.

Jenny Longbottom, College President of Medicine, Biology, Life and Health Sciences reminded students that there is another way.

She said: “Always remember that there are less extreme ways to help with student debt. Whatever situation you’re in, you can always approach the Student Advice Centre on the third floor of the union or Student Support at 50 Park Place.

“There are plenty of loans available and also an Additional Support Fund for those who have already taken their maximum loan” she reminded.

Forms for additional loans and debt management advice are available from 50 Park Place at the Student Suppport Centre.

Reconstruction photo: Adam Gasson

Cardiff student escapes prison sentence for fraud following father’s last minute appeal

CON: Phillips used the money to fund his degree

EBAY: Cardiff Student Matthew Phillips used the online auction site to make £200,000 by selling illegal computer software

News

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May 23 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

At

a glance May 23 2005 News Letters Competitions Problem Page Listings Television Five Minute Fun

1 4 5 7 8 11 19

EDITOR Gary Andrews

DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Holly Marshall, Bethany Whiteside NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Matt Wilkin, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION James Emtage, Alys Southwood, Sophie Robehmed SPORT John Stanton, Thom ‘Carp’ Airs LISTINGS Jim ‘Funking All Over Your Face’ Sefton, Will Schmit, Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Will Dean, John Widdop, TV Garfield, Mr. Manners, Grace de Ville LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Shell Plant FIVE MINUTE FUN Colm Loughlin TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey, Heather Casey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Dan Ridler, Charissa Coulthard, Perri Lewis, Caroline Farwell PROOF READERS Sophie Robehmed, Matt Hill, Shell Plant, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Dave Doyle CONTRIBUTOR John Tuscany

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

MUSLIM Ma.TTERS

By Robbie Lane Reporter

By Paul Dicken News Editor THE FIRST post-graduate course studying Muslim society in contemporary Britain will begin at Cardiff University this September.

The course will deal with social issues surrounding the Muslim faith in Britain, which are becomingly increasingly important.

Sophie Gillat-Ray, who has established the course, said: "The numbers registering for our undergraduate module on Islam in the Contemporary World rocketed post9/11."

Cardiff has one of Britain’s oldest Islamic communities. Dr Gillat-Ray sees Cardiff as a map of "the whole history of Muslims in Britain."

The Islam in Contemporary Britain course hopes to bring together people from different faiths to improve understanding across cultures.

The MA, or diploma program, is part of a new Centre for the Study of Islam in the UK, and hopes to include high-profile lectures from internationally-recognised experts in the field.

Dr Gillat-Ray added: "It’s good if people come on courses and learn about religion in the modern world and how religion gets abused by people who don’t understand their own faith."

She also stressed the professional opportunities that the course offers: "There are more jobs for people with knowledge of Islam, such as working in the race relations industry. The Home Office is setting up a Faith Communities Unit and is looking for people who understand about Muslim communities in Britain."

Teacchers speak AUT at Cardiff

SALMAN RUSHDIE: His Satanic Verses outraged some Islamic leaders The question of faith in schools, the community outraged provoked by Salman Rushdie’s novel The Satanic Verses, the place of Muslim women in British society, and the disillusion experienced by a younger generation are all current issues facing the

Muslim communities of Britain.

In Wales, less than one per cent of the population are Muslims, while the 2001 Census found there were 1.6m Muslims in the UK. More information can be found at www.cardiff.ac.uk/relig/islam-uk.

ONE OF the country’s largest teaching unions has placed Cardiff University on an employment ‘hall of shame’, potentially putting at risk the quality of staff the University can attract.

The Higher Education Union, AUT, has named and shamed two universities - Cardiff and Dundee – that they feel don’t reach the necessary employment standards.

In a recent full-page ad in the Times Higher Educational Supplement, the AUT suggested that before applying for a job, employees should ‘check to see if the institution is in the AUT’s hall of shame’.

To escape the list universities must commit to comply with The National Pay Framework Agreement – a scheme that looks to establish a single pay structure for all higher education workers.

The AUT claims that despite signing up to the agreement over a year ago, Cardiff University has failed to progress ‘with even the most basic requirements’.

But the University has rejected the criticism, with a spokesperson saying: "We are committed to implementing the Framework Agreement on pay modernisation within the timescale agreed nationally by both employers and unions.”

The University claim that the recent merger between Cardiff University and UWCM has ‘placed significant additional demands on the university’s resources’.

To combat this the University has applied for external funding from the Higher Education Funding Council for Wales.

According to Dr David Grant, Vice Chancellor of Cardiff University, funding differences between England and Wales have complicated developments.

This difference in funding is acknowledged by the AUT, but as yet no other Welsh universities have ever been placed on the list.

The University has set up a steering group to discuss the issue with staff and students. The group met for the first time last week, with the aim of bringing in the new framework by August 2006.

AUT spokesperson Rachel Curley said: "We welcome the steering group and the meetings with the AUT but we’ve been clear of the commitments we need. There’s no ambiguity. Cardiff are saying they’ll implement changes, but they’re not saying exactly what.

"There are a number of institutions which are setting benchmarks.

Cardiff, as a member of the Russell Group, is going to have to look closely at itself as a university competing on an international scale."

Despite the disagreements, the AUT remain optimistic that the University can be removed from the shame list and avoid further union action.

Teaching at Cardiff came to a standstill in February 2004 when AUT members went on strike over a pay dispute.

News

May 23 2005

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news@gairrhydd.com

Art: A wasted concept?

By John Tuscany Reporter A MASS PUB crawl through the streets of Roath is being organised, but rather than an excuse to get drunk it’s all in the name of art.

Cardiff conceptual artist Barrie J Davies has invited over 900 people to discuss art while sharing a pint.

Davies, who was recently inter-

TROLLEYED: A Davies sculpture that could come in handy

Mumps risk

By Charissa Coulthard Deputy News Editor A GROWING mumps epidemic in the UK has led Universities to give out advice about how to deal with outbreaks among students.

Universities UK, which represents the higher education sector, is planning to provide emergency guidance and advice to universities on inoculations and awareness of symptoms.

The National Union of Students (NUS) has also warned members to seek medical advice if they could be susceptible to the disease.

INJECTION: Necessary

Universities are preparing to promote catch-up vaccination schemes and awareness-raising through emails, posters and websites.

The scheme intends to provide information on the illness – which carries symptoms of fever, loss of appetite and a swollen throat – and encourage students to check whether they have been vaccinated.

Those who have not been protected are being reassured that there are plenty of sufficient vaccine stocks available.

The warning follows reports that nearly 30,000 people contracted mumps between January and April this year, compared with less than 2,000 in the same period in 2004.

In January alone there were nearly 5,000 cases affecting people aged between 19 and 23.

This age group is feared to be the most at risk because they missed the introduction off the combined measles, mumps and rubella (MMR) jab for children in 1988.

Older groups are not believed to be at risk because they have built up a natural immunity through exposure, which those in their late teens and early twenties have not yet had the chance to do.

Students are also claimed to be particularly vulnerable because they live in such close contact with one another.

A spokesperson for Universities UK has promised all universities guidance next week on dealing with the epidemic: "Along with the Department of Health and the Health Protection Agency, universities are encouraging school leavers and other young adults who have not received MMR or received only one dose, to ensure that they take up the offer of a free MMR vaccination."

Sheffield, Birmingham, Kent, Leeds, Manchester, Nottingham and Oxford universities have already instigated their own mass vaccination programmes and other universities are set to follow suit.

viewed for Quench magazine, will encourage people to trade ideas of art as he takes photographs.

The artist claims he was inspired to create the idea after discussing exhibitions in the pub.

Davies said the ideas generated on the crawl could be “pieces of artwork” in themselves.

He said: “Ideas are the beginning of any artwork. This is somewhere where people can talk about their

ideas.”

Davies will start the event on May 27 in the pubs along City Road, right in the middle of the student area, although anybody is free to join.

In fact the South Wales based artist even went as far as inviting gair rhydd reporters along to the event.

But anybody hoping for a free drink will be disappointed, as Davies is asking everybody to buy their own pint.

Letters

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May 23 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

The gair rhydd letters page It’s 10pm on Thursday night, and wouldn’t you believe it? I can hear Huw Edward’s voice in the background. Again.

That’s twice in three weeks. Spooky. By the way, thanks for sending in your texts. Letters Desk has received 39 messages this week! I am sorry if your text doesn’t appear on the page this week. I will try to print as many as possible over the next few weeks. Anyway, put your revision pile to one side, make yourself a cup of tea (or coffee if you prefer) and read this week’s letters. You’re in for a treat. But make sure you get back to work at some point, I don’t want you to fail.

Keep writing in, take it easy. Menon.

Not Impressed By Horror- Scopes Caleb Woodridge’s article on astrology (Horror-scopes, gair rhydd May 16) was one of the most unintentionally hilarious articles I’ve ever read. All the accusations that he throws at astrology could be thrown back at the article.

From the tone of his article I’d guess Caleb is a Christian. So am I, but I also happen to believe in astrology and I’m pretty confident that I’m not going to burn in hell. I certainly don’t see it as incompatible with my belief in God. Caleb writes that he likes to keep an open mind, yet in his second paragraph mentions a con-letter from a clairvoyant that has nothing whatsoever to do with astrology yet, by default, defines astrologers as charlatans and believers as idiots.

I’m one of those reasonably intelligent university people that he refers to.

If I’m being absolutely honest, no philosopher or scientist has come up with a convincing or conclusive argument for God, or even if, given the proliferation of religions scattered around the planet, Christianity is the correct religion. Despite this, millions of people - myself included - chose to put their faith in an abstract deity that we can’t be entirely sure exists. The same is true for astrology. There is no conclusive proof that astrology works but people choose to believe it in all the

text

same, not knowing if either God or astrology are definitive answers to the human race or simply a placebo.

Yes, astrology is flawed, but so in many aspects is religion. I can find several passages in the New and Old Testament that contradict each other and there are people in this world, such as George W. Bush, that misappropriate and take aspects of the Bible out of context from an essentially peaceful faith as justification for war. Despite all this, I still believe in a God and my faith in this is still as unshakable as it ever was.

I’m guessing Caleb hasn’t actually delved too far into astrological practices beyond his own assumptions and prejudices that form the basis of his article. If he did he’d know that to draw up birthcharts and horrorscopes requires very complex mathematical calculations, not to mention the knowledge to interpret these calculations that only comes through years of study.

Again, using Caleb’s arguments against astrology you could probably disprove almost all scientific theory and assume the only logical thing to do would be to live your life as a nihilistic solipsist, but seeing as I’ve met so few of these let’s just accept that we should tolerate the beliefs of others, especially when our own assumptions are built on such fragile ground.

Yours, Claire Voyant

07791165837

Jules Jingle The level of 'Jules-debate' points up the importance of image to young people. Cool is everything. Opting out of one look is walking straight into another. We're all flies trapped in the spider's web. And we all bitch about what the other flies look like.

I enjoy Jules' stubborn insistence that he knows what other people are thinking. Actually, Jules (and I'm sure I speak for everyone here :-), Charissa's line about shoving her make up, miniskirt and 80 grade up your arse is both hilarious and worthwhile.

So here's to the fashion/music/hair/face-off advice imparted to us all by Jules' writing and his much-witnessed swagger. (If you are Jules, please adapt the following to first person) All together now…

You chastise other people for attempting to be 'cool', then acknowledge you're a hypocrite for proving the rule.

You wouldn't like to admit it, but whether you like it or not, everybody wants to touch a fembot. love, anon. yes, I know I write lots of letters to lots of people, that's my business.

Do work Menon Hi, I got so worked up about the degree article, I had to write in.

The first few lines of Menon’s piece last week initially made me ecstatic that someone in the gair rhydd office is dedicated to quashing the myths about the English Language Students and working towards stopping the endless ignorance faced by most of my academic peers in our three years studying hard here. Yes, we do have 6 core hours a week but this isn’t much different from the other humanities subjects if you add the seminars.

Unless the mystery sarky git referred to by Menon is willing to include the entire humanities department in the fuzzy category of ‘inferior degrees’ I see no reason why one particular course should stand out.

Sadly as I read on, there was no mention of the average 9,000 words we hand in each term with seminar presentations and exams for each module. Nor was there any sympathy for those who actually want a good grade and have spent the last two years getting up at a respectable hour (i.e. before Trisha) and have had to work consistently to get a good average due to the 50/50 split of marks in the scheme. Obviously ‘late-boy’ is enjoying the prime of his uni life but unlike him the majority of the students I personally know finishing this final year have worked their arses off and we are all on 2:1s or above.

Moreover, people from other ‘real’ courses like Biology have been coming to our lectures and have commented on not only the excellent dynamic teaching of one of the many professors of the department but also of how challenging and interesting the courses are. My last experience of having a drunken male give the now age-old ‘that’s not a real degree’ insult-but-really-an-attempt-at-jovialbanter whilst trying to catch a glance down my top has taught me a valuable trick - talk in detail about your last essay, how important it is in your course and possibly how much you enjoyed it (if you did) – of course he was an absolute idiot and couldn’t understand a word but it proved to everyone else that I was the only person at the table who truly enjoyed their degree, found it challenging and had something interesting to say from it. Menon, heed my advice - go and do some work!!

3rd yr English Language Student.

I’m in the first year, give me a break.

Scope for Scope Please help Scope continue our vital work with disabled people and their families by donating old printer cartridges and mobile phones from home and work. For details just call 08712 50 50 50, visit our website www.recyclingappeal.com/scope or simply drop your unwanted items in

the post to: Scope Recycling Appeal (EL), 31-37 Etna Road, FALKIRK FK2 9EG Kindest regards, George Eracleous Corporate Fundraiser Scope 6 Market Road London N7 9PW

Up the ante I found the revelations of a daylight assault near Talybont frightening and distrubing. especially as twice in a row this type of story has grabbed the gair rhydd headlines. As I end my stay at Talybont, I feel angered that we have not been properly alerted to the danger. It takes a horrific event to make us all much more alert to the real risk. Often have I and countless other female students alike, struggled alone with shopping bags on that path. Not only does the security surrounding Talybont leave a lot to be desired (seriously, Saddam Hussain could be allowed through those gates) but advice on student safety needs to be communicated effectively to reduce the possibilty of similar attacks taking place on our student community.

Yours, Sophie Attyah Please email your letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com

corrections and clarifications We apologise for the small issue this week. We were busy making working replicas of Boris Yeltsin.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

letter of the week legendary sexy rock geologist seeks tall blonde girl for fun + laughs...Enquire within

Can someone please stop printing anything written by that arrogant twat thorpe smith

If a herd of penis’s are running towards u, are they a herd of penis’s or peni?

I heard that saddam hussein married osamabin laden. He wore a dress an everything.

Fembots are fucking scum. Why spend so long getting ready for lectures when you ming more than an entire Chinese dynasty anyway?

Is it just me or is james kelly who works in the gym mighty fine!

Spotted: mr cunningham (hollyoaks) looking shifty in virgin.... mega stores

Cheers for Jules for providing the comedy in Dr Matt’s absence.

Karl and Susan sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas. They will be available from the forth floor of the Union.

Red Bull gives you...

There seems to be a worrying opinion growing in the union that what students need during exams are drugs, sugar and plenty of caffeine.

For many, this a particularly stressful period and so to help us cope, the uni shop is happy to offer us cut price Red Bull to get us though. All well and good it seems.

However, they are not just merely offering it but explicitly telling us that it’s for our exams. Even your good paper is giving away Pro Plus to help with revision. It seems we are once again being subject to

typecasting.

Apparently, none of us know how to revise sensibly or manage our workload. We’re expected to be up all night, drinking coffee and popping pills to get our essays done and cram in revision. Its so clichéd that it was even the subject of the student stereotype on the opinion page.

While I don’t deny that this is sometimes the route a few take, I doubt anyone can honestly think that this is wise.

Why then is the union so actively promoting such negative, bad health behaviours? I know the blame can’t be laid solely on the shoulders of the union, but surely they should

have a little more responsibility?

Money is clearly an issue here, and I assume there is a good lot to be had from promoting things like Red Bull. Fair enough. But why can’t the alternatives be promoted with the same vigour? The student counselling service has free courses in relaxation and study skills – things that would be far more useful in the long run that jacking up on your drug of choice. The union should at lest play a part in making students more aware of this rather than encouraging bad practises.

Yours Eleanor Percy, 3rd year Psychology.

Free Stuff

May 23 2005

Page 5

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Shame On You FROM UNION bar hi-jinks to hilarious sporting mishaps, camera phones and picture messaging have become the students’ trade tool for capturing their mates’ most embarrassing moments.

To celebrate this cheeky trend Sony Ericsson is launching the Shame Academy on May 18 2005. Cardiff University students are invited to shop, shame and fame their cringe-worthy chums by sending camera phone pictures of them in awkward situations to www.shameacademy.com.

If the glory of shaming your bungling buddies wasn't enough, each person who sends in a snap has the chance of winning a brand spanking new K300i camera phone because visitors to the website will be encouraged to vote for their favourite pictures. Each week the highest scoring shot and a randomly selected voter will win this fabulous new handset.

There are six categories to house Shame Academy residents including 'One

Too Many', 'You Don't Want To Do That' and 'It Must Be Love'.

Every picture uploaded on the site will get a unique user ID, so guests can search quickly and easily for their photos.

What's more, the Academy features a Send To A Friend option so visitors can share the public humiliation and send their favourite pictures for free to friends’ inboxes.

Too nice to do the dirty on your mates? Well don't be, because for all the mayhem and mishaps you're too kind to submit, an On Campus Shame Squad will be there armed with K300i to capture them instead.

Be it the Summer Ball, Drink The Bar Dry or a quick drink at the Union, there will be someone poised to snap all the cock-ups on camera.

So be sure to snap them before they snap you.

Let’s burn some rubber

Oh the shame

MIDNIGHT CLUB 3: Dub Edition, the latest in the critically acclaimed racing series, is available to play free and exclusively in the Students’ Union bar on the PlayStation 2 Student Network.

Midnight Club 3: Dub Edition is the quintessential racing game for any true affectionardos of the automotive and racing lifestyle.

It’s the only game to offer the full range of street vehicle culture, including over 60 fully customisable licensed vehicles. The full spectrum includes import tuners, muscle cars, motorcycles and luxury rides, all of which you can fully customise in both style and performance.

Compete head to head with the best and most stylish racers in three of America’s premier cities – San Diego, Atlanta and

HAY HAY HEY, IT’S BILL BAILEY LET’S CONTEMPLATE the most glamorous places in the world: London, Paris, New York, Hay-onWye. Hay-on-Wye? Yes, every summer, the best writers in the world head over to this small market town in the Black Mountains.

Hay has 1,300 people and 39 bookshops making it the perfect setting of all things literary. For ten days a year 90,000 visitors converge on Hay from all over the world to join in a carnival celebration.

This is where galactic stars of the pen mingle with emerging writers, musicians and the paying punters often for just a fiver a throw.

And the Winner is…

This year the nineteenth annual Guardian Hay Festival will run from May 26 to June 5. This year’s programme will include events and performances crossing literature with cabaret, cinema, circus, comedy, environment, film, music, politics, science, screenwriting and visual arts.

Highlights at this year’s festival include Bill Bailey, Goldie Hawn, Jon Snow, Stephen Fry and Phillip Pullman. Tony Parsons described his visit as being surrounded by book lovers on E. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Ticket prices won’t break the

bank either so book lovers everywhere get your arses in gear for a weekend of book-shaped fun.

Bookings can be made by calling the Box Office on 0870 990 1299 or by emailing: boxoffice@hayfestival.com. More details are posted on the Hay website: www.hayfestival.com.

Then again, who needs to pay for such pleasures? Simply answer this really easy question to get a pair of tickets to see comedy genius and highlight of the festival, Bill Bailey.

How many bookshops are there in Hay? Enter in the usual way.

Ingrid Aaneby, who has won a Pro Plus pack. Congratulations. Well done to Robbie Lane, Megan Jones, Kat Brown, Elgan Iorworth and Matthew Peacock who have all got their grubby mitts on a pair of tickets to see Star Wars at Ster Century. I will contact you when your prizes are ready.

Detroit – each with multiple living and breathing neighbourhoods.

Midnight Club 3 sees Rockstar Games join forces with America’s Dub magazine, the ultimate authority on automotive lifestyle and all that’s hot in the world of mods (that means modified cars. Keep up sweeties).

Together they push the boundaries of speed and style well beyond anything seen before in a racing game.

To celebrate the launch of Midnight Club 3: Dub Edition on to the PlayStation Student Network, I’ve got a copy of the game to give away. To win simply answer the following question: What does ‘mods’ stand for?

Enter in the usual way.

gair rhydd Problem Page

Page 7

The Loyd Grossman Photo Casebook EP.5 WEEK 6

Dr. Matthew problempage@gairrhydd.com - Does weeding constitute ethnic cleansing?

“My grandma saw me sexing!”

Dear Sexologist and Doctor,

I have been in considerate turmoil with conflicting emotions for the last two weeks; wanting to laugh

Having found Phil, Jon and Loyd sat down on some hammocks and waited for Phil to tramp about and find the time-travelling helicopter.

Unbeknowns to them, a raptor was near by. It was a hungry raptor too, which wasn’t at all helpful. And it was eyeing Loyd’s face up.

May 23 2005

or cry insanely, and terrified that my Gran caught me 'at it’.

Basically she died and came back to life four hours later, which in itself is a recipe for mental headaches. Now, they say that sex works wonders for grief and due to my huge sadness I was more voracious than usual. Unfortunately though, noone knows where she was a-wandering from midday till four. I suspect her soul was peeking through my window.

What makes it even more likely is the fact she has returned from heaven (or hell?) with a grin reminiscent of the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland, permanently stretched across her apple-rosy cheeks.

I think it was the strategically placed Mars bars that did it (surprisingly sticky they were too).

Please, please write back and tell me if people can see you from up there. I may never have sex again.

Yours in chastity...

I seem to have missed something. I can’t see what you’re seeing either from there, because if I were to see what you were seeing then I wouldn’t be seeing it from this perspective and you wouldn’t actually be there to see what you saw in the first place. If you saw what I see then you’d probably see that I see quite differently to you and seeing differently to you is the point in me being here and you being there, and you telling me what you’re seeing so I can see if I can see what you’re seeing is a little bit pointless at this time but then you go and mention that your grandmother could also see things from beyond being dead which means that someone else somewhere is seeing everything from a multitude of pan-visible plains which we can’t see but would quite like to.

So if I have missed something it’s your fault.

I can’t see how your grandmother died, and certainly had nothing to do with it, but might have seen something relevant if she died in close proximity AND THEN came alive and then stayed

alive and retained all capacity to still see because she wasn’t and isn’t necessarily blind.

Of course if she was/is/became blind then she wouldn’t see anything at all. By this logic it’s then feasible to propose that anyone who dies, doesn’t die but in fact enters a fourhour (or thereabouts) time period in which they can see what they fucking well want to see and indeed rarely see any ethical issues with that. Seeing what I mean from all of this therefore means that you’ve accepted that your grandmother expired, saw you waffling your arse about in the air FROM A PAN-VISIBLE VANTAGE POINT and then thought it might be fun to animate herself again to use only her MOUTH to hint at everything. This by extension nullifies all answers, all questions and all dispute regarding the act of seeing which unsurprisingly and often requires EYES and RETINAS. We must now deduce that your grandmother was sightless all along and merely imagined things, which is, of course, confusing.

Matthew.

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: Pillows Dr Matthew,

I have a problem, because unlike most people I don’t have a pillow on my bed.

Just in time, Phil arrived in the timetravelling helicopter and blew the piss out of it with the Apache’s DEVASTATING 30mm cannon.

Then they all jumped in the time portal and went home. Unfortunately they fell out and Jon lost a leg, but would survive and get a new one.

The End

This has led to a few other problems, which involve back pain and a sore neck. I think it has something to do with my childhood because the more I think about it the more sense it appears to make.

I was never allowed a pillow because my parents deemed them unnecessary and now, thirteen years on from being seven, I have irreversible back injuries and horrible nightmares.

What can I do to reverse this process? I fear that if I were to buy a pillow it’d take months to get used to it, and that might be REALLY dangerous for my already deformed spinal column. Is there anything I can do to contact my parents and let them know that I’m going to sue them? Or can I indeed sort my life out? Why would they stop me from using the pillow?

I’m quite distressed, so help would be very much appreciated.

I’m just a little confused. Look how I’ve been manipulated and twisted into their little pillowless child.

Please help.

Anon, 1st year Biochemistry.

Pillows. Synonymous with murder, actually. Because I don’t know if you knew but you can dress yourself up in pillows and be completely, utterly and fairly confidently disguised. But you’re not allowed a pointy hat if you do that. It’s naughty in some triangles. Anyway, the man who murders whilst dressed in pillows is also the man who will prevail against all federal laws stating that you should probably identify yourself if you have indeed slaughtered someone. He’s also the man that will look cool if the pillows are white and spattered with blood. Unfortunately, he might also be the sweaty, tired and cumbersome man.

Still, always nice to remind oneself that pillows have a use beyond cranium cradling. But then you wouldn’t know about that.

Pillows also represent a significant fire hazard because they are flammable. Used correctly they can be tied to most things. Most things can then be threatened with a match, and most things will subsequently do your bidding.

Knowing the preceding information should aid you in a decision to get yourself down to a bed shop, buy some pillows and pillow cases, then go on a rampage, burning, suffocating and misdemeanouring any and all people that express peril as you run past clad in full quilted feather pillow armour. Blame your parents; fanny about.

Oh, and for the pains, I know a special chair exists that not only supports, cushions and massages but can convincingly mask the smell of old people and dead animals (this however, is usually a mutual venture as sometimes the elderly forget to feed themselves.

And their pets. Sometimes they even eat their pets. Or sometimes their pets eat them).

Sleep well.

Matthew.

I write nonsense as you probably know,

but I’m really not sure what happened last week. One minute I was asleep, the next it hadn’t been a minute at all, and I’d been flouncing cheerfully across many a dreamscape with my willy out and a big bunch of broccoli in my hand, trying to clout and/or asphyxiate folks with the slightly undercooked stems.

Anyway, this had nothing to do with my other week, which was lived concurrently (and mostly happily) through the perspective of my left arm, which – having consulted my starboard arm – pretended to stay put but in fact rendered himself quietly absent from my torso. I last heard of him when I tried to write a letter; he rang me up to wish me the best of luck.

Secondly, to the person who emailed enquiring as to which animal I’d like to be: not really.

But then again, I’d probably make a good slug.

Slugs are profoundly misunderstood and have really funny heads and unlike 70% of librarians don’t smell like wee. The other 30% smell like lepers, you understand.

Anyway, slugs are cool because they don’t wear clothes. And we all know you have to be especially cool to not wear clothes.

So I’d be a slug. And I wouldn’t be an antelope or anything like that. (Although perhaps I might be if all the slugs in the world suddenly died because it was decided that salt wasn’t necessary but still required for superstitious practices – everyone would simultaneously launch it over their shoulder and cause an inopportune mess.)

Read This Dr Matthew’s surgery was recently firebombed by a terrifying assemblage of clotheswearing children. As such his secretary is completely maimed and cannot forward any thrilling new telephone numbers to you. Any information will be dealt with and promptly ignored by the resident maimee. Dr Matthew escaped through a window, not forgetting to punch said burning secretary for being inept and fat. A temporary surgery has been established but is secretly located and shall remain so. Sorry.

Sort of.

As you know, exams are upon us. I say us, but I mean you, because I’ve finished. But that doesn’t mean I can’t help you, and with just TWO ISSUES LEFT EVER you might like to send an email in. Particularly for the broadsheet edition, which promises to be TWICE AS BIG.

Recommended

Page 8

S G N I T LIS

The Summit

@The Toucan

Sun 29 May 9pm / £5 adv

Schmit Recommends

I

know this is the time of year when everything of insignificance around you suddenly seems more interesting when considered as an alternative to that tatty folder of badly scrawled and incomplete lecture notes, so feast your eyes on this baby.

This Sunday sees a one-off extravaganza going on in The Toucan, as ‘Off The Shelf’ presents The Summit.

Capoeira allstars will be onstage doing a live showcase of Brazilian breakdance-style fighting. There will also be live DJ sets, and as the next day is a bank holiday, there’s no excuse not to let your hair down and enjoy a shindig of an alternative variety.

The event is being held in celebration of the anniversary of Mount Everest being conquered for the first time.

On May 29 1953, Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tensing first stood on the summit of Mount Everest, and 52 years later - to the day - ‘Off the Shelf’ DJs have

May 23 2005

listings@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd’s very nearly reliable Cardiff If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not.

linked up with the Bristol-based web radio dons, Grand Theft Audio, to bring you The Summit.

So what exactly will the night entail, could it possibly even have a better line up than the summer ball!?

Visual entertainment on the night comes from the Capoeira Allstars with an eye-popping stage show. For those who don’t know, Capoeira is a Brazilian street sport, that combines the agility of breakdancing with the speed of a martial art, and looks, er…well like the accompanying picture.

It was developed as a form of resistance by slaves about 400 years ago and tonight is brought to you

by Capoeira Allstars, a division of Cardiff Capoeira Club, who train weekly under the guidance of master practitioner, Claudio Campheros.

Audio entertainment comes from five peerless DJs on four turntables, including DJ Task, founder member of funkateers Up Bustle And Out who reside on London's Ninjatune record label.

AT9 from Grand Theft Audio will be blending the best of the sizzling drum and bass tunes for which he is renowned.

Then there are the clubland coconspirators, DJs Moneyshot, Kovas and C++ who dextrously juggle styles with ease, flexing from Northern Soul through Hip Hop and Liquid and back again.

On top of all of that, Submerge’s MC Reuben fulfills the microphone duties. Tickets are available from Catapult and Spillers, or by calling 07779 66 464.

Pick of th Weeke

Martin Grech @Barfly

Tues 24 May 8pm / £7

Muddiman Recommends

I

f you missed Martin Grech last time he was in town don’t despair, all is not lost. Mr Grech returns to Cardiff Barfly this week so I want you all to prepare to be truly amazed. (I wouldn’t dream of telling you this had I not already bought my tickets.)

Last time (the horribly, jealousyinducingly young) Martin arrived in Cardiff, guitar in hand, he did an acoustic show. For Grech, acoustic really is acoustic – just one man and his guitar. And it was captivating.

Grech recreated the intensity of his debut album, Open Heart Zoo, perfectly, even without a band. His album is a feat of forward-looking

brilliance: double hard but also hauntingly, soaringly beautiful.

Grech alone with his guitar captured both.

Grech’s new album, Unholy, is expected on the 13th of July. I have heard Grech himself describe it as a cross between Nine Inch Nails and Radiohead. The beauty of Grech’s music is his ability to combine searing riffs, ethereal moments of tragic poignancy and crazed, pulling-you-around, psyched-out… well, crazyness.

I’ll shut up now and leave you with Barfly’s well-chosen words: “It's always the quiet ones.

Martin Grech may possesses talent way beyond his deceptively young age, but he doesn't immediately give the impression of somebody dealing in some of the most intense, beautiful and forward looking contemporary music.

Live, however, Grech fronts his live band with his guitar slung unfeasibly low and fingers flashing double-jointed over the frets, his astounding rock diva vocals riding a wave of deconstructed metal drama.

Prepare for a magnificent implosion of avant-rock, reaching deep down into hellfire and soaring celestially, frequently at the same time.”

May 23 2005

Day By Day

Page 9

listings@gairrhydd.com

Listings with Muddiman, Sefton and Schmit.

We’re better than Sport though - it’s official.

Monday23/05

Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @Moloko A great new night with DJ Phoenix and friends who play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies & Mr Potter. 7-11pm. £1 NUS. Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff and Rowan. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing and singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm. £2/£1 if you perform.

Pick Of The Day Live @Barfly Nic Armstrong & The Thieves / Jon Whitley. Singer-songwriter with a keen ear for a draw-droppingly catchy tune and an unnerving ability to twist his classic influences into finely crafted contemporary pop gems. 7.30pm £6 adv.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach The Caves / Summer With Monica / The Nakedfis. Local heroes and a truly ace band, The Caves return to conquer the Clwb Ifor Bach masses. Summer With Monica are a Bath based 5-piece, consisting of two ladies and three lads, who combine hard rocking guitars with pop sensibilities. 8pm. £5.

Friday27/05

Quality Control @Taf, SU Hosted by top-notch DJ, Killer Tomato. Hip hop, funk, breaks, d‘n’b. 9pm-2am. Free.

Fat Friday @Solus, SU It’s a revamped Lashtastic. Only they have dancers behind screens. What I want to know is why are they hidden behind screens? 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro. 10pm. £3.50.

Mad4It! @Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors, etc, etc. Yawn. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Pick Of The Day Live @Barfly Zabrinski / El Goodo / The Sweetchap. El Goodo: furry, fuzzed-up, psychedelic pop.

The Sweetchap: diverse output, blending opulent guitar, unique vocals and twisted electronica. With popular Welsh psychedelic hip-hop group, Zabrinski headlining. If you want a showcase night of music by artists dominating the new Welsh music scene, head down to the Barfly. 7.30pm. £5 adv.

Jack the Biscuit @Cafe Jazz Salty blues of some sort presented by Blues Dragon Club. 9.30pm. £3.

Wonderbrass @Riverbank Hotel Hugely entertaining funky big band based in Pontypridd. Combining Ska and Latin sounds with Jazz, Wonderbrass have become firm favourites on the South Wales jazz scene.

9pm. £4 / £3 NUS.

Tuesday24/05

Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50.

Open Mic @The Toucan There’s a mic. It’s open.

Live @Barfly Martin Grech / Venus Elixir / Idle Eyes. The barfly website doesn’t seem to want to share much info at the moment. Why not take a gamble and go anyway. 7.30pm £7adv.

Mark Knopfler @C.I.A The legendary guitar supremo who founded Dire Straits in 1977 and subsequently led them to chart success across the world.

7.30pm.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Art Brut / Vincent, Vincent And The Villains / Keith. Think Sex Pistols and music that’s so bollocks it’s actually quite good. 8pm. £7.

Live @Dempseys Shoji Hano / Gary Smith / Magrathea / Dan Haines. Two legends of extreme improvised jazz/noise rock, the stereo electric guitarist Gary Smith and Japanese free jazz drummer Shoji Hano. 8pm. £4.

Live @Sherman Theatre Unzipped: New Voices. A night of surprising new talent. Who knows, you may be surprised. 8pm. £2.

Pick Of The Day Jazz On The Level @St David’s Hall Featuring the Louis Stewart / Gilad Atzmon Quintet. A truly remarkable guitarist of international reputation and an innovative, outspoken Israeli-born saxophonist bring their Quintet to Cardiff. 8pm. £10 / £8 NUS.

Saturday28/05

Come Play @Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul, funk, and Latin in the Xpress Lounge. Sweets and stuff, and apparently Jordan, or so the poster seems to indicate. I should point out that Jordan isn’t actually going to be there. 10pm-2am. £3.50.

Fly Swatter @Barfly Ben and Rich have a change of name but not a change of heart. 40 years of classic and current indie. 10.30pm. £3 NUS. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Mind Your Head @Toucan Downstairs at the Toucan: Captain Paranoid & guest MCs. Free B4 10pm/£3.50 after.

Mothership Convention @Toucan Upstairs at the Toucan: Cardiff's longest standing 'Live' funk night hosted by Funki Dregz and the Intergalactic Funk Federation. Live bands from across the galaxy along with the best local rare groove and nu-beat DJ's including Paul Lions, Krissy Jenkins, to name a few.

10pm - 2am. Free entry before 10pm.

Pick Of The Day Limehouse Lizzy @The Point (Mount Stuart Square, Cardiff Bay) The UK's hardest working and best loved Thin Lizzy tribute band. I recommend bringing some whiskey. In a jar. 7.30pm. £10 adv.

Live @ Barfly Souldriver / Fake Bad News / Niko. Fake Bad News are an indie rock band from Caerphilly in South Wales, while Souldriver are a retro / indie band also from South Wales. This certainly seems like the week to visit the Barfly if you want to catch up on the local music scene.

7pm. £4 adv.

Wednesday25/05

Rubber Duck @Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. Need I say anymore? 10pm. £3.

Wednesday Social @The Barfly Relax, soak up the atmosphere or play an impromptu set. Bring a banjo. 12noon-2.30pm.

Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors.

This is the overspill. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Cheapskates @Metros Alternative & cheese. 9pm-2am.

All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco. Popscene: indie. Milky Bar: electric chill out and Playstations! 9.30pm. £2.50 NUS. No Disco @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am.

Bread and Butter @The Toucan Not of the pudding variety. Night of hip hop and new beats. 10pm. £2.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm. Free. That’s all we got.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.

8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS. Live @Barfly Blackheart Promotions presents: Shape Of My Addiction / Covergirl / Kidsinglasshouses / The Red October. Local bands hit the Barfly tonight so who knows, you may discover a real gem to add to your record collection.

Bill Fletcher’s Cooperative @Riverbank Hotel Tight bass-led jazz quintet with a Charles Mingus / Dollar Brand / Astor Piazzolla inspired repertoire. 9pm. £4 / £3 NUS. Pick Of The Day Utah Blue @Chapter Michael Kelligan directs the final reading in this second On The Edge season. It deals with the story of Gary Gilmore who in 1976 shot dead two men in cold blood.

Light-hearted cheery stuff, then. 8pm. £3 on the door.

Sunday29/05

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU Questions.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3s and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Acoustic Cafe @Toucan Bar Open mic sessions where anyone can get up and jam or just listen. They provide the guitar and mic; you provide the talent. Hosted by Peter & Lee. A team reminiscent of Morecombe and Wise but considerably less amusing and at least marginally more alive.

8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Pick Of The Day 1 The Summit @The Toucan See facing page for further details.

Live @Barfly Bad Obsession. GNR tribute band who played the SU a while back. Old school. 7 pm. £6 adv.

Geri Halliwell @C.I.A Geri Halliwell (a.k.a Ginger Spice) first came to prominence as a member of the Spice Girls, the overwhelmingly successful British group who started a teen-pop revival in the mid-90s and has remained as annoying as stubbing your toe ever since. Her return to the world of music via a solo career after the long-awaited disbanding of the Spice Girls was heralded with the unsuccessful album Schizophonic. I’m guessing she’s re-re-relaunching her career tonight. You wouldn’t want to miss that would you. Oh... you would. 7pm. Sold out (allegedly - rather difficult though that is to believe).

Pick Of The Day 2 Live @Glee Club Ricky Ross / Edwina Hayes. Edwina Hayes is a 28yr old singer/songwriter who has been a regular performer on London's acoustic scene for the last 12 months. 7.30pm.

Thursday26/05

Devious @Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Metal @Metros Er... metal. Iron, lead, you name it. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop / breaks / drum ‘n’ bass night. Live VJ's + Live Video link. With a wireless camera being taken around the club projecting onto goings-on onto the big screen.

DJ action from Paul B, Parker, Haze + Focus.

8pm-2am. Free before 11pm, £2 after.

Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul/hippy funk with The Pockets.

8pm-1am. £3/£2.

Pick Of The Day Live @Barfly Barfly & Mojo Club presents: Carbon Silicon (feat. Mick Jones & Tony James) / Louie / The Noisettes. Carbon Silicon are a new band featuring former Clash guitarist Mick Jones together with Tony James from Generation X. After much thought I would have to say that if you like the Clash, or perhaps if you are a massive fan of Generation X then this might be up your street. If not, so what. Screw you.

Don’t go. 7pm. £11 adv.

The Organ Trio @Cafe Jazz Featuring Jim Mullen. 8.45pm. £7 / £5 NUS. Live @Blues Dragon Club at Gower Hotel Hitman Alexander / Grove Juice. 9pm. £4-5.

La Traviata @New Theatre South African choreographer, Veronica Paeper, re-stages her elegant and touching interpretation of La Traviata for UK audiences. Runs all week but for no good reason we recommend going on Thursday. 2.30pm & 7.30pm shows.

Job @Listings section I’m sure there’ll be one available next week after I’m sacked for wasting paper space with needless rambling. Ramble ramble ramble. Do you want a go. Well come on up. Go on, I dare you.

VENUES

Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com

Award-Winning Television

May 23 2005

Page 11

tvholly@biscuit.com

This week’s artichoke to the TV vegetable selection: May 23 - May 29 2005

Ramsey Treat

Ramsey streets ahead in the battle of the TV chefs

HOT

Orwell’s Big Brother The cult classic book 1984, for those of you too dense to know, is where Big Brother and Room 101 originated. Erudite, fascinating and original, 1984 should take pride of place on your bookshelf. Unlike its shameless counterpart.

SOAPS Lather me up like Joan collins in Dynasty - it must be SOAPS! Did you all enjoy Sir Ian McKellen in Corrie then? Bit scary wasn’t he? Anyway, in the meantime you’d better get used to Michael Le Velle and Bradley Walsh again until Laurence Olivier makes a guest appearance as the ghost of Richard Hillman.

In other news Kat Slay’er makes her throroughly unwelcome return to the Square in Eastenders. Cue viloence between, Little Mo, Kat, Alfie, 1970s wrestler Big Daddy and Billy. YOU SLAG! What else? There’s some rumblings between Sadie and CAIN DINGLE in Emmerdale. Like you care.

Yo yo yo yo yo (YO!) Old scarface is back again. And no, not Al Pacino in Brian De Palma’s vastly overratted story of Cuban gangs in Miami, but former Rangers footballer and Michelinstarred chef Gordan ‘the gopher’ Ramsey.

Yes that’s right poppickers Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares is back (C4, Tuesday, 9pm). Rather than have no-mark celebs (who else) learn how to cook, Ramsey chooses a local restaurant and humilates the current chef into quitting/suicide. it’s all great fun. Especially as Ramsey uses language filthier than Dot Cotton’s used panty-liners. Yowch!

Hola mis amigos, how goes your week? Hope the stress of exams isn’t encroaching on your TV watching time. If that damn thing we call a degree is taking precedence this week then worry not, we at gr towers have provided you with some of the week’s top picks so you can at least enjoy your time off in TV heaven and not come face to face with the new series of Big Brother or, God forbid FAQ U. Thus, let the fruitful pickings begin.

We at TV Desk are now officially obsessed with the film Garden State thanks to TV Will’s jizz bucket Natalie Portman and TV Katie’s newly discovered dreamboat Zach Braff.

So with this in mind, get yourselves

TV Gareth’s Guide to Life Hey there, TV Gareth here, ever so slightly overwhelmed by this mass of black space before me. I am Jesus and you are the Pope; you may think you’re pretty good, but can you do stuff with fish? Can you fuck. Here goes: never describe yourself with adjectives like mad, crazy, random or weird, they are synonyms for “I am trying to be cool”; if it’s cold enough to wear a scarf it’s cold enough to wear a jacket; like bands before the NME tells you to like them; don’t speak to me; NEVER use the word retro, if there are more than ten people singing along you should stop singing; don’t start a band, we have enough; watch Neighbours: laugh at those in a worse situation to you; scowl; try to keep your number of friends below five, anymore just isn’t manageable; recognise your inferiority; have hair cuts, not hair styles; you are not a children’s TV presenter so don’t dress like one; don’t wear charity wrist bands. I like better bands than you. Oh I do. Oh I do. Peace out. Gareth. x

ready for the return of Scrubs (C4, Friday, 8pm) As TV Willy stated in last week’s listings, this is far too good to be prime time Friday night viewing. But we care not, watch it and enjoy.

It’s that time of year again. We’re all in the middle of exams (well I’m not) and the sun is shining on us as well all work hard to push up those extra few grades. As such, Big Brother (Friday, 9pm, C4) begins again. This year round the show is

on for a whopping 120 days, which is about 110 days longer than anyone will be interested in (look what happened to Celebrity... on ITV1). Despite everyone saying, ‘this year I’m definately not going to watch that crap’, clearly, you all are. Damn you! That’s an entire summer wasted because of a stupid show. Think about it. Alright, I’ll see you in the cantine to discuss this week’s events.

My second pick this week is the lame duck of the TV world. Celebrity Love Island (ITV1, Daily, 10pm) is on every single day this week and as such you should try and tune in because you’ll be the only person watching it.

It’s like finding a googlewhack after hours of searching. Although watching this show isn’t really as fun because there’s a reason you’ll be the only person tuning in.

An with that, I’m off to the pub to drown my sorrows and celebrate another day completed here at the office. We expect you to watch all the shows we’ve recommended this week because we want to feel loved.

After the fight that broke out last weekend between TV Desk, there is love to repair. Man, this almost sounds like a Save The Children appeal. You can send us money if you want because then we can spend it on more beer. Fill, fill, fill. xxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY SNICK THIS UP YOUR JACKSY Even though it was only released, like, a week ago Jim Carrey’s LEMONY SNICKETS BIG ADVENTURE is already trundling its way onto the DVD shelves of our great nation. TV Willy went to the official nationwide DVD launch of the film (saw it in the cinema in Manchester) and returned the following verdict...

“Guilty your honour.”

Guilty that is of being an average film that pales in comparison to the magic of the books (I imagine) and the magic of the Super Harry McPotter Franchise.

Also out next week is OCEAN’S TWELVE, whihc by all accounts is cack, but has lots of famous people in, a more glamorous version of Celebrity Love Island if you will.

NOT

Endemol’s Big Brother In the week that this jaw-droppingly hideous programme commences its sixth, yes that’s SIXTH series and our brains once again begin to rot in disgust, we at TV desk say “Boycott this or we will beat you with our collective bangsticks and pick your eyes out with cheesesticks.

SPORT Yowzers! The Liverpool soccerballs take on ABC Milano in the European Big Cup Final on Wednesday night (ITV, 7pm).

Whether Djimi Traore can maintain his competent form remains to be seen. If Liverpool win, and that’s a big IF, Man City may sneak into the UEFA Cup through the back door. Yay.

FILMS If anyone hasn’t seen Revenge of the Sith yet, go now. if you have missed the completely-missable Episode I, then the good folks at ITV are showing it at 7.25 on Saturday. I’ve just realised this is the worng Saturday, but those of you who get the early edition won’t miss out.

RADIO The new advert for BBC Radio Two has just been on TV featuring such great presenters at Terry Wogers, Johnny Woss, Dermot’s Brother and Jimmy Foxtrot. I really have no idea what I’m talking about but because the advert was new and fresh, you should tune in to see what you’re missing. I used to listen to Terry when I was a nipper going to school in the morning so maybe it’ll be worth tuning in to see if he’s changed at all. I’ve almosot been reliably informed that Jazz On 3 (Friday, 11.30pm, Radio 2) is well worth listening to. There is music from Acoustic Ladyland and Trio Braam, both of whom I’ve never heard. This could be a chance for you to try out some new music and become more cultured or something. That or it’s a waay to waste a large amount of revision time. With that I’m off to le pub.

Monday

Page 12

May 23 - 29 2005

mylandlord@arsearsearse.arse

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy.

12.25 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.40 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 Surviving the Moment of Impact (Oh god, not again) Starring Paris Hilton.

9.00 The Contender 10.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun 11.00 Coronation Street11.30 Coronation Street 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live As if the ninety minutes they have on ITV aren’t good enough for this Survivor meets Celebrity Blind Date crap fest, you get rolling live footage. Well that’s just FUCKING great. 2.00 Champions League Weekly 2.25 F1: Monaco Grand Prix 3.15 Shakedown 4.05 Teleshopping 5.35 ITV2 Nightscreen One for the portfolio eh Jim? Filthy sod.

19.00 Days That Shook the World If you could go anywhere in the world you would go to: Dr Matt - ‘Palestine’: Jimbo ‘Japan’: Gary - ‘Exeter’: Elgan ‘Conwy: Katie - ‘Madagascar’: Beth - ‘Lithuania’ (She once fancied a Lithunianian teacher who taught her Russian and is called Thomas - nice) 20.00 The World If I were a country I’d be x because...

Jimbo - Papua New Guinea - ‘I’m an Italian pimp’; Dan - Uruguay; Gary - Canada - ‘’Cos I’m dull’.

20.30 The Cinema Show 21.00 Film: "Le Chignon d'Olga" Roughly translated as Olga’s Tits.

22.30 Etre et avoir 24.15 The Cinema Show 24.45 Hot Spots: Sudan 01.45 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise 02.15 Days That Shook the World No. 4 Kirsty Alley starts trampolining 03.15 Hot Spots: Sudan If anyone wants to donate a few shiny new Macs and some new copies of Quark to gr Towers they would be glady received. We don’t have any cash but we would be glad to offer Taf-Od in an act of pagan sacrifice. No, really.

I

6:00 Big Brother 6:55 Big Brother 7:45 Big Brother 8:40 Big Brother 9:35 Big Brother 10:40 Big Brother 11:45 Big Brother 12:55 Big Brother That’s quite enough that thank you very much.

2:00 The O.C.: The Proposal.

Here’s a proposal for E4, show more OC and less Big Brother – you biscuit lined flanges. 3:00 The Next Joe Millionaire Dean Gaffney 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Without A Trace 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Smallville: Superman the ‘Have You Got Pithair Yet?’ Years If so Geordie will gladly lick it.

8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Smallville: Superman the ‘Bestiality Years’ 10:00 Big Brother’s Outrageous moments They all sit around and act dull like. Whooooo!

11:00 Jerry Maguire 1:40 Big Brother’s Outrageous Moments 2:40 4 Go Dating 3:05 smallville: Superman the ‘Crap-prequel’ Years 3:50 Switched 4:10 Big Brother And so it begins.

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Mio Mao 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Franklin 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.20 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model I watched a bit of this the other day. There was a belting bit where they made them pose after running up 14 flights of stairs. Of them puked. Brill!

14.55 The Farm 15.45 Film: "Melanie Darrow" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Starring Serena and Luka out of Neighbours. Pnaaar.

19.00 five news 19.15 Raging Planet 20.00 Massive Machines Anne Widdecombe’s triple ended biscuit soiled vibrator.

20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 The Boy with the Incredible Brain: Extraordinary People Dean Gaffney again.

22.00 The Woman with the 14-stone Tumour That’s what she said, fatty.

22.30 The Farm 23.20 Joey 23.50 Celebrities Uncensored 24.20 Alias 01.10 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 02.00 Boxing: Fight of the Week 03.10 US PGA Golf 04.00 2005 World Motocross Grand Prix 04.50 Argentinian Football Once more into the breach guys. Another week of TV, means there are only another two more Gay Reads left.

What a pity.

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6:05 Party Animals 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King Of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:20 Supporting Acts 9:30 Tate Modern 9:35 Chancers 10:00 National Gallery 10:05 Impressionism 11:50 Tate Modern 11:55am Re-writing History: What If Guy Fawkes Had Blown Up Parliament? 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 1:30 Minute Wonder 1:35 Innocents in Paris Starring Toby Anstis and the Hilton heiress. 3:15 Cuntdown 4:00 Room For Improvement 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:25 Hollyoaks Justin and all the other year eleven pupils have been called into the school for a special assembly. Special how? Special like Terri Schiavo?

6:55 Coldplay Video Exclusive Cue witty comment about how dull Chris Martin is… I actually quite like them.

7:00 Channel 4 News Starring Dr. Matt’s very own Jon Snow 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 Undercover in New Labour With Batman, Dick Tracey, Paris Hilton (pnaaar), Donal McIntyre and Abi Titmuss (double pnaaar bonus).

9:00 The Explosive 80s If you were a suicide bomber what would you bomb?

Geordie: the ‘Allo, ‘Allo café; Robbie: Fratton Park; The Ridler: Lib-Dem HQ; Me: YOUR FACE! 10:00 ER 11:05 FAQ 11:40 Coldplay Video Exclusive 11:45 Double Team Starring Paris Hilton and Abi Titmuss (pnaar)

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Kate Garraway 7.00 GMTV Today 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Have I Been Here Before? Starring Abi Titmuss and 1900 men. 2.00 Loose Women Starring Abi Titmuss and 1900 men 2.45 Date My Daughter Starring Abi Titmuss and her Dad. 3.30 Miffy and Friends Guest starring Abi Titmuss. 3.35 Angelina Ballerina Guest starring...

(That’s enough - Ed.) 3.45 Bernard Lighthearted children's drama series starring Bernard Manning. 3.55 King Arthur's Disasters 4.25 My Parents are Aliens Starring Prince Harry 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street A name from the past comes back to haunt Mike. Better the name than the actual person, surely?

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Celebrity Love Island CACK! 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 0.00 Champions League Weekly. 0.25 Daniel Bedingfield in Profile ...is still fat.

0.55 Trisha 1.50 Loose Women 2.30 Moving Day 2.55 Bridezillas Starring Paris Hilton (Oi! - Ed.) 3.20 Entertainment Now! 3.45 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Bass in the place London. What place? My face? Not Grace? Oh, you like Black Lace?

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Desperate Midwives One two, three, BANDWAGON. They had bloody sex and the settee on here as well didn’t they?

21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Even after 14 pints it’s still not funny.

22.00 EastEnders Bellenders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.00 Little Britain “Chewy, sit down.”

23.30 Ideal I went to see Star Wars last night at half past midnight. What a shame. 24.00 Liquid Assets Starring Paris Hilton, pnaaar. It’s fairly obvious that I’m lacking inspiration this week. Again. 24.55 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Secret Life of the Shop 02.50 Teen Angels Starring Charlotte Church, Drew Barrymore, Harold Shipman, Rivers Pheonix, Pol Pot, Ghandi, The big JC and the great Taf-Od in the sky - Elgan Iorwerth.

6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster Cafe 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Bobinogs 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show Not another Slater sister. 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 Look and Read: Spywatch 10:50 Look and Read: Spywatch 11:10 Social Inclusion Dramas 11:35 The Munsters 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 1:30 FILM: Windom's Way 3:15 The Flying Gardener 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Uncharted Territory 7:00 Seven Natural Wonders 7:30 University Challenge Special Another programme for specials. I didn’t think they let them into University anymore. Political Correctness gone mad I tells ya!

8:00 RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005 9:00 How Art Made the World 10:00 Vic and Bob in Catterick 10:30 Newsnight I love Jeremy Paxman. In fact I’ve got Paxmania! 11:20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Imber: England's Lost Village 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Talk French 2:30 France Inside Out 5:00 Mediterranean Cookery. France.

Little Antics C4 9.20am

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast Today: A tangerine and a cup of MTF coffee.

YUM! 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Car Booty 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30pm: RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Taz-Mania 4:00 Home Farm Twins 4:15 Mona the Vampire 4:30 Lizzie McGuire 4:55 Serious Desert The Nevada Desert reads extracts from Anthony Trollope. 5:20 Newsround Extra 5:35 Neighbours Sindi deceives Stuart. He’s gonna regret buying that double-ender.

6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005 8:00 EastEnders Big Mo visits an old friend in prison, Michael Jackson.

8:30 Bailiffs This reminds me, I’d better pay the gas bill, lest they come and take the gimp I’ve gone on credit back to the shop.

9:00 New Tricks 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Mourinho: The Special One Not special in the Schiavo sense. 11:15 FILM: Copycat 1:15am: Sign Zone: The Reclaimers 1:45 Sign Zone: Around the World in 80 Treasures No. 24 Natalie Portman’s belly. 2:45 Sign Zone: DIY SOS 3:15 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business 3:45 Joins BBC News 24 I’ll join BBC News if they keep paying me, quite literally, peanuts.

To Buy or Not to Buy BBC1 9.15am

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Celebrity Love Island ITV 9pm

Shakedown ITV2 3.15am

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:25 King of Queens 08:55 Will And Grace 09:20 Supporting Acts 09:30 Schools 09:30 Tate Modern 09:35 Chancers 10:00 National Gallery 10:05 Impressionism 11:50 Tate Modern 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Ffrind Newydd Miss Fach Lwcus 13:05 Tomos A’I Ffrindiau 13:15 Room For Improvement 13:45 The Great Garden Challenge 14:45 The City Gardener 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:30 Popty Bach 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 the Simpsons 18:30 Rownd a Rownd 19:00 Rygbi 19:35 Rygbi 21:40 Pobol Y Cym 22:10 Newyddion 22:20 Sgorio 23:25 Desperate Houswives 00:25 3 MIinute Wonder 00:30 will and Grace 01:00 FAQ U 01:30 Dispatches: the Dirty Tricks Election 02:25 Operation Muslim Vote

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Tuesday

May 23 - 29 2005

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children Al on the Rocks 9.55 Married with Children What I Did for Love 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA Oh What a Performance! 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children Al on the Rocks 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 Champions League Final Preview 9.00 What Rio Did 10.00 Sin City: The Premiere 10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun 11.00 Cheating Spouses: Caught on Tape 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live It’s crap live, all you get to see is Titmuss with a tiny bikini and a big belly. Mwoo hahahah. 2.00 Married with Children 2.25 Married with Children 2.50 The Ricki Lake Show 3.30 Teleshopping 5.30 ITV2 Nightscreen Great, we have a TV up here so I now have no real reason to go home for lunch.

Except to actually have lunch.

And write an essay. And revise.

19.00 To Mars by A-Bomb 20.00 The World Is about to explode and you’ve got half an hour to live. What would GR residents do? TV Will: Listen to Funeral by Arcade Fire while eating a cheese toastie with Natalie Portman. Dr Matt: I’d have a big poo. Geordie: I’d bone the next person I saw. TV Katie: I’d get on the next flight to California and bone Adam Brody to a soundtrack of The Shins and Fleetwood Mac. 20.30 Dickens in America 21.00 A Company of Soldiers 22.30 Dickens in America 23.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin 24.00 Hot Spots: Nigeria 01.00 Guyana: Trouble in Paradise 01.30 To Mars by A-Bomb 02.30 Dickens in America (St Louis and the Midwest) 03.00 Hot Spots: Nigeria Hmm, my Nigerian friend may have something to say about this claim. Her dad is like this tribal leader allowed to marry numerous women and everything. 04.00 Close Geordie’s been to the pub for two hours already and is now causing havoc in the office.

Fecking northerners and their tempers. Raaaah.

6.00 Insektors 6.10 The Hoobs Soft and Floppy Fun 6.35 The Hoobs Window Dressing 7.00 B4 7.30 Friends 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.25 King Of Queens 8.55 Will & Grace 9.20 Celebrity Life Skills: Self Defence 9.30 Chancers 9.55 The Illustrated Mum 11.35 Do Fish Fart?

Do Fish Fart? is a game show with a difference. Dominic Holland (of Dick and Dom fame?) takes two teams through a series of science-based challenges based on everyday questions about everyday things.

What is frostbite? How hot is lightning? And do fish fart? It’s a question that has been puzzling me for years. I like to think they do, and I hope the male fish giggle about it afterwards and the females stifle it until they burst.

12.00 News at Noon 12.30 The Great Garden Challenge 1.30 Supporting Acts 1.40 Santa Fe (1951) 3.15 Cuntdown 4.00 Room For Improvement 5.00 Richard & Judy 6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyjokes 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 3 Minute Wonder: Hayfever Gee yeah, let’s celebrate this fecking annoying summer infliction. Woo. 8.00 The Property Chain 9.00 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares 10.00 ABBA: Behind the Blonde 11.05 FAQ U 11.40 Sex and The City 12.15 Sex and the City 12.55 Chasing Amy (1997) 2.50 Perfect Match New York 3.40 Strange Little Girls 4.00 4Learning 6.00 Terra 20/50 6.05 Terra 20/50 Damn, an extra two lines to fill.

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6.00 GMTV: GMTV News Hour 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Have I Been Here Before?

Have you heard the woman who does this? She sounds like Mystic Meg, all whispery and scary. I recommend a double dose of Benylin.

2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Date My Daughter TV Katie Senior sends out a desperate plea to the men of Great Britain (and indeed of the world) to shackle up with her lovelorn daughter.

3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Angelina Ballerina 3.45 Bernard. 3.55 Rugrats 4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 Deep Jungle This is awesome. Did you see the moonwalking bird? When Wacko-Jacko gets put away, give this little fella a ring.

You’ll never spot the difference.

9.00 Bad Girls 10.00 Celebrity Love Island God, this is heavenly carcrash TV - so horrifically bad it’s good. However, I simply can not get over my utter disappointment at Sol from Hollyoaks - what the hell happened? He used to be so beautiful! How the mighty have fallen.

10.30 ITV News 11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 0.00 Sin City: The Premiere. 0.25 The District.

This Too Shall Pass 1.15 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Replayed.

4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

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19.00 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three Shucks, being here five hours earlier than normal hasn’t made me any funnier than normal. In fact, I think the sunshine makes me woozy, the lack of pizza makes me dull and my sobriety makes me shy and retiring. Humph. Plus, TV Desk is the biggest section of the paper this week, increasing the need for our hilarity. Oops. 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Ideal (The Backpacker) 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.00 Band Aid: The Song that Rocked the World 24.00 Liquid Assets: Nicole Kidman's Millions OK, so Star Wars has been out for a whole 15 hours and already two residents of GR towers have been to see it.

Apparently it’s great. Dr Matt cried. Making grown men cry?

It’s worth going to see it just for that. 24.55 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Secret Life of the Shop 02.50 Liquid Assets: Nicole Kidman's Millions 03.50 Close

6.00 CBBC: Noah's Island 6.25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6.50 Monster Cafe 7.05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7.30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 7.55 Newsround 8.00 CBeebies: Balamory 8.20 Tots TV 8.30 Bobinogs 8.40 Pingu 8.45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9.00 Tweenies 9.20 The Roly Mo Show 9.40 The Story Makers 10.00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10.15 Little Red Tractor 10.30 Landmarks. The Caribbean Islands - Work 10.50 Primary History. Tudor Life: Food: A Housewife's Story 11.10 Music Makers Programme following the Bodyrockers’ launch to fame with their groundbreaking, dancefloor-filling track I Like The Way You Move. Bill Dean and Jonathon Widdop-a-ya-face investigate what it is that makes a genius musician. Also featuring The Thrills and an exclusive interview with Maroon 5. 11.35 The Munsters 12.00 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 1.25 FILM: The Long Duel (1967) 3.20 The Flying Gardener 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 Eggheads 6.30 Uncharted Territory TV Katie’s undergarments feature AGAIN. 7.00 Top Gear 8.00 RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005 9.00 The Monastery 10.00 The League of Gentlemen 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy 11.55 FILM: Trapped in Space (1994) 1.20 Joins BBC News 24 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: Technology: Techno. Designers.

4.00 Technology: Techno

What I Did for Love ITV2 9.50pm

6.00 Big Brother 6.55 Big Brother 7.45 Big Brother 8.40 Big Brother 9.35 Big Brother 10.40 Big Brother 11.45 Big Brother 12.55 Big Brother 2.00 The O.C: The Shower 3.00 The Next Joe Millionnaire 4.00 Switched 4.30 Hollyjokes Stressed out by the upcoming exams, the students decide to drink to relieve their tension.

What a foolish idea. And Becca gets chased around the park by some vicious dog. Some quality script writing going on here this week. 5.00 Friends 5.30 Friends 6.00 Without a Trace 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 Switched 8.00 Friends 8.30 Friends 9.00 The O.C 10.00 Big Brother’s Best Moments 11.00 Abi Titmuss: A Modern Day Reality Tale 12.05 The O.C 12.55 Big Brother’s Funniest Moments Why this lasts beyond five minutes is, frankly, baffling.

2.00 4 Go Dating: Bisexuals 2.25 Abi Titmuss: A Modern Day Morality Tale 3.25 The O.C. 4.05 Big Brother 5.00 Big Brother Over 100 days of television tripe to keep us morose.

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Mio Mao 07.30 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.20 Franklin 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.20 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard: Twins: Every Man's Fantasy. Except when it’s the Chuckle Brothers.

Or *brain whirs as it searches for genuine famous male twins*... hmph, I’m stumped.

You know what I’m getting at.

10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm 15.45 Film: Come On, Get Happy (1999, Biopic) 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 The Art of the Gods 20.00 Hitler's Britain 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 The Real CSI 22.30 The Farm 23.20 Porn Star - The Legend of Ron Jeremy Dear God, I object profusely to this man’s fame and fortune. He makes me want to turn lesbian. But then I guess he’d win. Shucks.

24.55 The Dead Zone 01.45 NBA Basketball: Game of the Week 03.55 Motorsport Mundial 04.20 Major League Soccer This page so far has taken me less than an hour, when it normally takes me about five. The reason being the absence of the other TV Desk members, thus a concentration span of more than seven minutes. Oh dear, TV Willy has arrived; my moment is gone.

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Your Union

6.00 Breakfast Today Breakfast centres around the humble egg.

Whether you like yours scrambled, boiled, poached or fried, Natasha Kaplinsky will guide you through the dos and don’ts of egg preparation. It’s gonna be a slow news day. 9.15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Car Booty 11.45 Cash in the Attic 12.30 RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.40 Neighbours David puts his foot in it again. Toadie finds new love. Hooray! We love Toadie. If he were fit he’d be perfect boyfriend material. But he’s not so we’ll stick with Boydy boy.

Deeee-lish. Summer embraces the geek within. I resent the fact that piano lessons are considered geeky. I took them for six years and was only ever bullied on days ending in a ‘Y’. 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3.25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3.40 Taz-Mania 4.00 50/50 4.35 What's New Scooby Doo? 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News and Weather 6.30 Regional News 7.00 Love Me, Love My Kids 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Life Isn't All Ha Ha Hee Hee This is good, damn it! Another addiction.

10.00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10.35 ONE Life 1115 FILM: A Simple Plan (1999) 1.15 Sign Zone: See Hear 2.00 Sign Zone: Bailiffs 2.30 Sign Zone: The Town That Wants a Twin 3.00 Sign Zone This week featuring the Skidding Car sign and an interview with a roundabout.

3.30 Joins BBC News 24

Do Fish Fart?

C4 11.35am

PRIMETIME

Deep Jungle ITV1 8pm

Love Me, Love My Kids BBC1 7pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06.10 The Hoobs Little Green Sticky Thing 06.35 The Hoobs Tiger in Need 07.00 B4 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.25 King of Queens 08.55 Will & Grace 09.20 Home Sweet Home 09.30 Teens on Trial 10.00 Tate Modern 10.05 The A-Z of Your Head 10.55 Life Stuff Quit 11.00 Rude Britannia 11.30 Life Stuff From the Top 11.55 Re-Writing History 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 13.00 Pei Pwympen 13.15 Room For Improvement 13.45 The Great Garden Challenge 14.45 Selling Houses 15.15 Cuntdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Beyblade 16.25 Code Lyoco 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard & Judy 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Y Byd Ar Bedwar 21.00 Cofio 60: Oliol Refyll. 21.15 Cofio 60: O Flaen Dy Lygaid: Y Byd Yn Flamm 22.15 Amdani 23.05 Bad Behaviour 00.10 The Explosive 80s: Property Nation 01.10 FAQ U 01.40 Cinema Iran 03.15 Close S4C - You suck. But take up space - ta.

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Wednesday

Page 14

May 23 - 29 2005

inspiration@alow.sorry

ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children. Fat Chance 9.55 Married with Children10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA. Greatest Hits LA 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 Celebrity Fit Club USA 8.50 Movies Now 9.00 Teenagers from Hell 10.05 Sharon Osbourne... It's Good to Be Sharon Osbourne 10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun 11.00 Footballers' Wives 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 2.00 Married with Children 2.25 Married with Children 2.50 The Ricki Lake Show 3.30 Teleshopping 5.30 ITV2 Nightscreen And so it has come to this; fellow TVers Willy and Manners, listening to the Arcade Fire, choreographing dance routines that even Le Tigre would dismiss as being too gay. But seeing the joy on their little flushed, puffing faces almost makes it all worth while.

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19.00 Chopin Preludes 19.05 Early Music The other day i saw a girl wearing a Bikini Kill tee.

20.00 The World 20.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 21.00 Chairman George: To Beijing via Athens 22.10 The Cinema Show 22.40 In the Footsteps of Churchill 23.10 The Art of Churchill 23.40 Stalin's Skyscraper 01.00 Early Music 01.55 Chairman George: To Beijing via Athens 03.05 In the Footsteps of Churchill 03.35 The Art of Churchill Big, fat, pudgy finger painting. 04.05 Close TV Desk is the crackcocaine of gair rhydd. And i am suffering, oh but i love it so. I’m sorry TV Gareth fans. I’m rather lacking this week. I blame the morbid atmosphere of the office due to a depleted gair rhydd. It’s 26 days until my exams are over though and then I have ahead what is codenamed “teh bezzzt summer eva”. Glastonbury, Reading, Prague and stupid amounts of vegetarian food and south park and train journeys and “oooh you have to listen to this song”. 26 FUCKING DAYS!!

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Mio Mao 07.30 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.20 Franklin The animated adventures of President Rossevelt.

08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.20 Little Antics Interpol meets Honey I Shrunk The Kids 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm 15.45 Film: "Alien Nation: The Udara Legacy" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Hunt for Africa's Killer Croc 20.00 Dolphin Murder Mystery Near two hours of animal based killing.

21.00 CSI: Miami More killing.

22.00 The Real CSI Probably more killing.

22.30 The Farm 23.20 101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets 24.20 World of Rugby 24.50 V8 Supercars 01.40 Race and Rally UK 02.05 Boxing Classic 03.15 Motorsport Mundial 03.40 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.30 Dutch Football The black hawk war, or, how to demolish an entire civilization and still feel good about yourself in the morning, or, we apologize for the inconvenience but you’re going to have to leave now, or, “I have fought the big knives and will continue to fight them until they are off our lands!” They are night zombies!!

They are Neighbours!! They have come back from the dead!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am The King Of Queens 8:55am Will & Grace 9:20am Proud Parents 9:30am Chancers 9:55am Why Is There So Much Rubbish On Television? 11:55am Re-Writing History 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm The Great Garden Challenge 1:30pm In Your Face 1:50pm 7th Cavalry 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Room For Improvement 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm Relocation, Relocation Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation.

9:00pm Grand Designs 10:00pm Desperate Housewives 11:05pm FAQ U 11:40pm Big Brother: The Top 20 Housemates Y’see. what they are doing here is moistening us up before they slide in the main event. I’ll be watching, but if you ever ask me I will deny it.

12:40am Freesports On 4 1:10am Monster Jam UK 1:40am British Superbikes 2:40am Speedway Grand Prix 3:30am British GT Championship 3:55amTransworld Sport 4:50am Countdown 5:35am VEE-TV 6:00am CLOSE Coming to a darkened room near you soon...TV Desk presents TV DEKS...a night of “mediocre indie bands” with your TV editors pressing the play button.

Come feel patronised, come feel inferior, whatever, it’ll be awesome. And I promise, no Killers songs. Not a single one.

6:00am Big Brother 8 hours of audition tapes. Kill me. Kill me now. 2:00pm The O.C. 3:00pm Without A Trace 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Without A Trace 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pmFriends 9:00pm Scrubs 9:30pm Scrubs 10:00pm Big Brother: The Top 20 Housemates 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00am Scrubs 12:25am Scrubs 12:55am Star Wars Premiere: T4 Movie Special 1:25am Big Brother: The Top 20 Housemates 2:25am 4 Go Dating: Bisexuals 2:50am 4 Go Dating: Bisexuals 3:15am The O.C. 3:55am Big Brother 4:50am Big Brother I don’t know if you are aware of an internet phenomenon called “myspace.” Well, I was browsing it the other day and discovered a Cardiff University Community.

And there were, like, pictures of you guys on there and it listed your favourite songs and it was just hilarious. I hope you’re pleased with yourselves.

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:25 King Of Queens 08:55 Will And Grace and Manners and Katie and John and Gareth 09:20 Proud Parents 09:30 Chancers 09:55 Why Is There So Much Rubbish On Telly? And why is most of it on S4C? 11:55 Re-writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:05 Bibi Bel 13:15 Room For Improvement 14:15 The Great Garden Challenge 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Nic A Peri 16:25 Hip Neu S Gip! 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Sioe Tyddyn A Gardd 21:00 Frongoch 21:30 Grand Designs 22:30 ER 23:30 FAQ U 00:00 Big Brother: The Top 20 Housemates 01:00 3 Minute Wonder 01:05 Cinema Iran: Still Life 02:55 Cinema Iran: Don 04:35 Diwedd/Close But no cigar.

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning I will be acting nonchalant about a “Modern Wales” exam. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Have I Been Here Before? 2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Date My Daughter This is prime time viewing for me so it had better be better than that “mums on strike” bollocks, even if Rory McGrath’s voice is the sex. 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Angelina Ballerina 3.45 Bernard 4.00 Art Attack This is an art attack. This is an art attack. THIS IS ART ATTACK!!

4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show So, i’m stood at the bar in the barfly with TV Grace and she says to me “you are gay, aren’t you Gareth?”. No. I don’t even brush my hair for chrissakes.

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Champions League Final. AC Milan v Liverpool I feel like I should write something here. Ummmm, “COME ONE LIVERPOOL”. I hope that will suffice. I’ll inevitably be watching this in Talybont Social, and I’ll have a pint of full fat coke if you’re buying.

10.00 Celebrity Love Island I had high hopes for this, but it really is just shite.

10.30 ITV News 11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 0.05 The Pitts 0.35 Champions League Final. AC Milan v Liverpool 2.15 cd:uk Hotshots New Sleater-Kinney AND Stephen Malkmus albums this week. Awesome-o. 2.40 Loose Women Half of Heather Mills maybe. 3.15 World Sport 3.40 Strictly Soho 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early

Close S4C 4.35am

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STUDENT SAVER

19.00 7 o'Clock News 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Film: Rocky III 22.35 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.05 Desperate Midwives 23.35 Trauma 24.05 Liquid Assets: J-Lo's Millions 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron02.00 Secret Life of the Shop 02.55 Liquid Assets: J-Lo's Millions 03.55 Close Hey there TV fans. How are you? I’m not that great. I’m stuck in the grips of first year exam apathy. Trying to find the perfect medium between revising and not revising, I’ve decided that this metaphorical state of intellectual perfection can be found by falling asleep on my bed after Neighbours with a book about Catholics in my hand. Mostly this week I have been listening to: The Books, Major Matt Mason USA, Sigur Ros and Dntel. And falling off my bike outside the humanities library. And eating bean based meat substitutes. And making telephones out of string and tin cans.

6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink 6:50 Monster Cafe 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Bobinogs 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 The Munsters 11:00 The Daily Politics 1:00pm: Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Lifeline 2:10 The Great War And wasn’t it just?

Brilliant. 2:50 The Flying Gardener 3:00 Garden Invaders 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Uncharted Territory 7:00 No Win No Fee 7:30 Holidays in the Danger Zone: Places That Don't Exist 8:00 RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005 9:00 Compulsion Documentary series that looks at how addictive and compulsive behaviour can ruin lives. This might be good, because remember kids, sometimes mental illness can be hi-lar-ious.

10:00 Blackadder the Third 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Theatre Biz 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone 4:00 Technology: Techno This is a low. I really don’t have much of interest to say this week. I’m almost considering just writing serious program descriptions.

But I don’t want to set a precedent. Doyle just fisted Manners.

And in that action I saw a beacon of hope.

Dolphin Murder Mystery five 8pm

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6:00am: Breakfast 1 x glass milk, 1 x glass apple juice, 7 x Hob Nobs, 2 x peanut butter on toast, 3 x strawberry liquorice sticks. FACT. 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Car Booty 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30pm: RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Taz-Mania 4:00 Mona the Vampire 4:15 Fairly Odd Parents Yours. Yeah bitch!

4:30 The Queen's Nose 5:00 The Stables 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Can Izzy convince Karl she's a changed woman? Lyn goes public with her new boyfriend. Isn’t Neighbours great at the moment? Also, Alan Fletcher (Karl, durrr!) is touring Britain at the moment with a guitar. Yuhu.

My girlfriend gets to see him in Sheffield, which makes me eternally bitter.

6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Little Angels 7:30 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 9:00 Beaten 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 Imagine... A Short History of Tall Buildings 11:40 FILM: Ghosts of Mississippi 1:50am: Sign Zone: Journey of Life 2:50 Sign Zone: Amazon Abyss 3:20 Sign Zone: Real Story with Fiona Bruce 3:50 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business 4:20 Joins BBC News 24.

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Thursday

Page 15

May 23 - 29 2005

tvgrace@drunkanddangerous.com

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids A unique experiment in which a family's two children undergo a series of scientific tests, the results of which are processed to create incredibly detailed images of how they will progress into adulthood. The results are not pretty. Can you also predict what you will be doing in ten years time? A fortune teller told me I’m going to fail my degree and marry a man who sponges all my money.

Can’t wait.

21.00 Teen Angels 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Desperate Midwives 23.00 Spendaholics 23.55 Liquid Assets Catherine Zeta Jones is one wealthy lady.

24.55 Teen Angels 01.50 Secret Life of the Shop 02.50 Liquid Assets Arrrghh!

Everyone else has finished their pages! Better type incredibly fast in the manner of proper journalist. My favourite tune at the moment: Les Rhythms Digitales Take a Little Time. Its ace.

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 Married with Children.

9.55 Married with Children.

10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael.

11.10 Judge Judy.

12.25 People's Court.

1.30 Coronation Street.

2.00 Airline USA. 2.30 Airline. Presumably we can compare and contrast the difference between British and American airports. Scintilating.

3.00 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.50 Trisha.

4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael.

5.40 Judge Judy.

7.00 Married with Children.

7.30 Married with Children.

8.00 Real Life: The Fattest Men in Britain. Some of the men on this show weigh over 55 stone, watch it and feel thin whilst you eat some pork pies.

9.00 The Tallest People in Britain...bang their heads a lot.

10.00 Monkey Trousers.

10.30 Footballers' Wives Extra Time. No more...please 11.00 Bad Girls.

0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live.

1.00 The Contender.

1.50 Married with Children.

2.15 Married with Children.

2.40 The Ricki Lake Show.

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour 9.25 People's Court.

10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.30 Have I Been Here Before?

The floor of Barfly? Sadly yes.

2.00 Loose Women. 2.45 Date My Daughter. 3.30 Miffy and Friends. 3.35 Angelina Ballerina. Anya's Visit Probably more exciting than a visit from Enya. 3.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series.3.55 Jungle Run. 4.25 The Fugitives.

5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

Annoying and pointless.6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Wales This Week. Wet, sometimes sunny and full of stressed students.

8.00 The Bill.

9.00 Footballers' Wives. Having never seen this, I couldn’t possibly comment on it. But I will anyway - it’s shit. I’ve never tried tuna but I know its horrid. Sometimes you just have to trust your instincts.

10.00 Celebrity Love Island. Fran Cosgrave and Ed the Duck look uncannily similar. Haven’t watched this TV gem either.

10.30 ITV News.

11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live. 0.00 Providence. Home Again 0.45 Redcoats.

Paddington Bear makes an impromtu performance at Butlins.

1.10 Love Match.

1.35 cd:uk.

2.25 Snowbombing Music Festival 2005. With Mylo 3.15 Cybernet.

3.45 Loose Women.

4.20 ITV Nightscreen.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

The GR office is the quietest I have ever seen it. I can even hear my own heartbeat.

19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 20.00 The World 20.30 Mindset 21.00 Tales from Greece 22.00 Sounds of the Seventies ABBA, Mudd, Slade, Wizzard, Chas and Dave, Olivia NewtonJohn, Bay City Rollers, Dr Hook, The Osmonds, David Cassidy, The Bee Gees, Neil Diamond, Ralph McTell, The Worzels, Wings, Lynnard Skynnard, The Village People, 10cc, Gloria Gaynor, Donna Summer, Chic.

22.30 The Thick of It 23.00 Arrested Development 23.20 Arrested Development 23.45 The Thick of It 24.15 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 01.15 Mindset I’ve got my mind set on finishing this page, but it dosen’t seem to be happening.

01.45 The Thick of It 02.15 In the Footsteps of Churchill Patrick Moore looks a lot like Churchill-he should present this. If only we could understand a word of what he says.

02.45 Tales from Greece Probably not featuring an 18-30 piss-up in Faliraki.

03.45 Dickens in America

Something Special BBC2 11.05am

6:00am Making It 6:05 Party Animals Featuring TV desk, in all their drunken glory. Warning: May contain scenes of violence which some viewers may find distressful. 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs: The Big Bonk Isn’t this supposed to be kid’s TV? Whats the world coming to?

7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:25 Celebrity Life Skills 9:30 Urban Music Festival: The Young Disciples 9:55 Self Portrait UK 14-19: Trevor Nelson and Stephen Taylor 10:00 Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v Bangladesh 12:35 The Lunch Break 1:10 Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v Bangladesh Where are Richard and Judy? Since when was cricket more important than the best showbiz couple ever?

6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Its a bit shite at the moment.Lisa is a bunny boiler, Zara needs a brace and Tony needs a haircut. Tom is the best character ever though. Did you see him at the soap wards in a suit? Adorable.

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:30 Today at the Test 8:00 Wife Swap 9:00 Middle Sex If you think this is some low-brow documentary then you’d be wrong. It looks seriously dark.

10:30 Father Ted 11:05 FAQ U I liked this last week, it had that guy from Peep Show on it.

11:35 Big Brother: The Top 20 Housemates 12:40 4Music: Diesel U Music 1:10 Rappin’ at the Royal 3:20 The Invisible Circus Not very popular: no one can find it.

5:00 Combination Skin

6:00 Big Brother 6:55 Big Brother Auditions.7:45 Big Brother 8:40 Big Brother 9:35 Big Brother 10:40 Big Brother and then some more...

11:45 Big Brother 12:55 Big Brother 2:00 The O.C.: The Wedding Featuring my marriage to Seth. TV Katie weeps as her attempts to sabotage the nuptuals fail miserably. 3:00 Without a Trace: Two Families 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Without a Trace: Two Families 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00pm ER 10:00 Big Brother: The Top 20 Housemates 11:00 Sex and the City: Easy Come, Easy Go 11:40 Sex and the City 12:20 Sex and the City: Running with Scissors Well that explains SJP’s face... 12:55 Sex and the City 1:30 Big Brother: The Top 20 Housemates 2:30 4 Go Dating: Bisexuals 2:55 Sex and the City 3:25 Sex and the City 3:55 Sex and the City 4:25 Sex and the City The seventh episode this evening. Bored of those hussies yet? I am.

4:55 Big Brother...Again.

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Mio Mao 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.20 Franklin 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.20 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm 15.50 Film: "Submarine X-1" Sounds fascinating. Can hardly contain myself. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Great White Shark Dive Suicidal contestants battle to land into the open jaws of a hungry shark.

20.00 Brand New You 21.00 Families Behaving Badly 22.00 Friends Reunited Ruined My Life I always find it funny to see how many girls from my year at school have children or work in Kwiksave...quite a few actually.

22.30 The Farm Pigs, some sheep, a chicken or two, cows, horses, goats, ducks and Ron Jeremy.

23.35 Real Sex Documentary series. Featuring a woman who juggles singing, acting, erotic dancing and stripping.

Just like real sex then.

24.40 John Barnes' Football Night 01.20 Portuguese Football (Boavista v Benfica) 02.50 Dutch Football (Roda JC v PSV) Boring boring boring boring boring. Boring.

04.25 Argentinian Football

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Carriers BBC1 12.20am

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6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island.

6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink.6:50 Monster Cafe. 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures. 7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow.7:55 Newsround.

8:00 CBeebies: Balamory. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Bobinogs. 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It.9:00 Tweenies.

9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 The Story Makers. 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog. 10:15 Little Red Tractor. 10:30 The Way Things Work. 10:45 Razzledazzle. 11:05 Something Special. The possiblity of leaving the GR office at a godly hour. 11:20 Primary Geography.

11:35 The Munsters. Herman's Raise. What is his job? I always wonder who would employ a Muster. 12:00pm: The Daily Politics. 12:30 Working Lunch.

1:00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales. The Tempest.

1:30 Golf: PGA Championship.

6:00 Eggheads.

6:30 Uncharted Territory.

7:00 The Culture Show.

8:00 RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005. Charlie Dimmock: Wear a bra love.

9:00 Dead Ringers. William Hague and the Brain of ‘Pinky and the Brain’ fame.

9:30 The Robinsons.

10:00 Kath and Kim. 10:30 Newsnight.

11:20 The Culture Show.

Was there anything cultured about Culture Club? Or is Boy George just a silly man who wears silly hats?

12:20am: FILM: Let It Be Me...Winning the lottery, passing my exam, lounging on a nice beach and eating lots of cheese. And haribo.

2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: Art: 4:00 The Art. Probably not as good as Rolf’s Cartoon Club or Hartbeat. We can but hope.

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6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy. Perhaps not.

I have £8 left in my bank account. 10:00 City Hospital.

11:00 Car Booty. 11:45 Cash in the Attic. My attic? Really?

12:30pm: RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.

2:05 Doctors.2:35 Murder, She Wrote. Ship of Thieves.3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger. World Badger Day. Bodger takes up badger bating.

Suppose it makes a change from masterbating.3:40 TazMania. A Devil of a Job.4:00 The Story of Tracy Beaker. 4:30 SMart. 5:00 Really Wild Show.

Terry Nutkins: Legend.5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News and Weather.

6:30 Regional News Programmes.

7:00 Cash in the Attic.

7:30 EastEnders. Dot and Jim beat Lee and Bombhead from Hollyoaks in the ‘Best Duo’ section at the soap awards. What a travesty.

8:00 Airport.

8:30 War at the Door.

9:00 Murphy's Law. 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather.

10:35 Question Time. Do glasses actually make you brainier? Why does ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’ taste nothing like butter?

11:35 This Week.

12:20am: FILM: Carriers.

(1997) A.K.A “When Pigeons Attack” When a pigeon shits on you its supposed to be a sign of good fortune. When it claws your eyes out, its not such a good sign.

1:55 Sign Zone: Love Me, Love My Kids. 2:25 Sign Zone: Love Me, Love My Kids.

Sounds of the 70s BBC4 10pm

P R I M E T I M E

Tales From Greece BBC4 9pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25The King of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:25 Celebrity Life Skills 09:30 Urban Music Festival: The Young Disciples Apparently Craig David gives some tips on how to make it big on the ‘urban’ scene. Avoid Avid Merrion. 9:55 Self Portrait UK 14-19: Trevor Nelson and Stephen Taylor 10:00 Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v Bangladesh 12:35 The Lunch Break 1:10 Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v Bangladesh 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 The Simpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion20:00 Pobol y Cwm 20:25 Clwb Garddio 21:00 Dudley 21:30 Relocation Relocation 22:30 Property Ladder I’m not even on the bottom rung.23:30 Today at the Test 00:00 Big Brother: The Top 20 Housemates 01:05 FAQ U 01:35 Comedy Lab: Blackout 02:05 British Superbikes 03:00 Monster Jam UK 03:25 British/GT Championship 03:50 World Touring car Championships

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Friday

Page 16

May 23 - 29 2005

jamesbrownlive@theapollo.willyoung.com

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married With Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy.

12.25 People's Court 1.30 Emmerdale 2.00 Holiday Airport - Orlando 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children 7.30 Married With Children 8.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 8.30 American Idol Finale 9.20 American Idol Finale 11.10 Footballers' Wives Extra Time 11.40 Coronation Street 0.10 Coronation Street 0.40 Celebrity Love Island Live Who would you like to be on a Celebrity Love Island with? Me: Natalie Portman (obviously), Dave Doyle: Anyone, Cat Gee: Alex Zane, Manners: Jessica Rabbit, Gareth: A man, any man, Sefton: Suzie Dent (of Countdown fame), Gary: Julia Stiles, Jimbo: Cat Gee (aww) 2.00 Married with Children.

Death of a Shoe Salesman 2.25 Married With Children 2.50 The Ricki Lake Show 3.30 Teleshopping.

5.30 ITV2 Nightscreen

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19.00 Dickens in America No he’s doing his ‘stonking’ World news page.

19.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill We are missing one Dave Menon (letters editor), last seen in Bluewater wearing a hoodie.

20.00 The World 20.30 Heimat: The Story of a Nation Helmet? Story of a nation? What country is is Cockistan? South Willyland?

Bad cock gags? Gotta love ‘em 21.00 Heimat TV Gareth ladies and gentlemen: “I don’t eat meat, apart from McDonalds I’ve got a load of vouchers and they run out on Friday!”

23.00 Games in Athens Live coverage of Olympic Monopoly and Risk!

12.00 Art Reports: Heimat What the biscuit - lined flange is this all about?

12.30 The Art of Churchill 01.00 Flowering in Autumn The Olsen Twins. Pnaaaaaaaaaaar!

01.30 Tales from Greece 02.30 Games in Athens 03.30 Art Reports: Heimat What the fanny? I really don’t understand. Anything.

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5:55 Insektors 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 King of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:20 Supporting Acts 9:30 Urban Music Festival 9:55 Self Portrait UK 10:00 Test Cricket 12:35 The Lunch Break I had a tasty chicken and bacon baguette today. 1:10 Test Cricket 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Ben and Louise's relationship appears to be going from strength to strength.

They must have borrowed some of Boyd’s steroids.

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:35 The Simple Life 8:00 Scrubs Stylus Magazine (new home of exQuench ed. Alex McPherson) did a smashing feature this week on the best musical moments in Scrubs. The use of John Cale’s version of Hallelujah (most covered song ever?) was particularly lauded.

God I’m sad. Watch it anyway.

8:30 Will & Grace 9:00 Big Brother 10:15 Johnny Vegas: 18 Stone of Idiot And another two stones of bad MUNKEH! gags.

11:25 Big Brother’s Little Brother: Live Launch Show Enough already. 12:25 Today at the Test 12:55 Big Brother Live 4:00am hit40uk 4:30 Undercover in New Labour 5:25 Cuntdown In other news we’ve just watched Dr. K have a heart attack in Neighbours. Bets are off as to whether Susan will nurse him back to health, until he is well enough to fuck her brains out...I believe this was a Desperate Housewives storyline guys.

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Mio Mao 07.30 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.20 Franklin 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.20 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model: What the Divas Are Doing Now 14.55 The Farm 16.00 Film: Columbo: How to Dial a Murder 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Beth discovers Robbie's secret. He killed JR. 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 House Doctor: The A-Z of Design W is for willy shaped candles. I’m sure I could’ve done better there.

20.30 Britain's Worst DIYer 21.00 Film: The Patriot Starring Michael Moore, George Galloway and Timothy McVeigh 22.45 Film: The Dead Pool Liverpool on Wednesday night.

12.25 Film: Jason Goes to Hell: the Final Friday It wasn’t that bad when Jason Donovan was in Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat. Which, incidentally, was my favourite thing in the world in 1992.

02.05 Film: Doomsday Man 03.35 Russell Grant's Postcards More appealing than Russell Grant’s daughter. 03.45 Sunset Beach 04.25 Melrose Place 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:25 King Of Queens 08:55 Will & Grace 09:20 Supporting Acts 09:30 Schools 09:30 Urban Music Festival 09:55 Self Portrait UK 10:00 Test Cricket 12:35 The Lunch Break 13:10 Test: 1st npower Test: England v Bangladesh Looks like it’s that time of year again. When I get up at 11am and watch the cricket all day in bed with nothing but my Man City duvet covers for company. Ah, bliss.

18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Uned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cym 20:25 Risg 21:00 Big Brother: Live Launch Show 22:15 Johnny Vegas: 18 Stone of Idiot 23:25 Big Brother’s Little Brother: Live Launch Show 00:25 Today At The Day 00:55 Big Brother Live 04:00 Speedway Grand Prix 2005 “Start spreading the news, Cat and Jim are speed-dating tonight.”

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7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:35 Friends I have none, which is why I spend my days chained to a chair atop gr Towers with nothing but a lollipop and Catherine Gee for company.

9:00 Wife Swap Starring Eric Clapton and George Harrison.

10:00 Big Brother Live 11:20 Johnny Vegas: 18 Stone of Idiot 12:20 Big Brother Live E4 is really lacking enough Big Brother content today. There are at least three programmes on that AREN’T Big Brother. What a load of cack.

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Have I Been Here Before?

2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Date My Daughter Says TV Grace’s Mum 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Angelina Ballerina. The Proposal 3.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 4.00 Splash Camp Starring Paris Hilton.

4.30 That's So Raven 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale Sadie gives up the land that Tom's after, but he's shocked that she doesn't want anything in return.

Except one in the botty.

7.30 Coronation Street Charlie worries what the world will think when Shelley gets a black eye.

S&M is nothing to be ashamed of.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald ...I’m going to be... Gary Glitter.

8.30 Coronation Street Has Charlie got Shelley under lock and key? That’s S&M rhyming slang for Cock & Wee. 9.00 Celebrity Love Island 10.00 Monkey Trousers 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 0.00 The Contender 0.55 FILM: Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD 2.25 Entertainment Now! 2.50 cd:uk Hotshots 3.15 Nickelback... In Profile 3.40 Loose Women 4.15 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.40 Get Stuffed! Starring Paris Hilton.

4.45 ITV Nightscreen.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

Hello Dave!

Scrubs BBC1 7.00 pm

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6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island.

6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink 6:50 Monster Cafe 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Bobinogs 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 The Way Things Work 10:45 Razzledazzle More readers’ wives action! 11:05 Words and Pictures Plus 11:20 Science Clips 11:35 The Munsters 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:30 Golf: PGA Championship.

6:00 Eggheads Starring Right Said Fred Duncan Goodhew.

6:30 Uncharted Territory Not starring Paris Hilton.

7:00 Rover's Billion Pound Blunder I presume this title refers to the car company rather than a dog called Rover.

7:30 A Year at Kew 8:00 RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005 9:00 The Year Without Summer 9:50 Dear Television 10:00 Grumpy Old Men Starring TV’s John, Gareth and John 10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 Later with Jools Holland 12:40am: FILM: The Whip Hand 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest 2:30 Modernist Primitivism 3:00 Following a Score Documentary following TV Willy as he watches BBC Score interactive on every Saturday. 3:30 Independent Living 4:00 The Battle for Congress 4:45 Personal Passions

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19.00 7 0'clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 Little Angels 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Who Rules the Roost?

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12.00 Cameron Diaz's Millions 01.00 Essential Top 50 Essential Top 50 what? 01.55 Who Rules the Roost? 02.50 Spendaholics If I had a million pounds to be a spendaholic with, I would buy: Will: The removal of my restraining order.

Cat: A steamy night of speeddating with gair rhydd’s “hunk” of a Deputy Editor.

Robbie: A chairlift from Cardiff to the Isle of Wight.

Gary: Exeter City FC. (Dull).

Jimbo: Catherine ‘Film Ed’ Gee TV Gareth: Making Quorn taste more like bacon.

TV Manners: A boy who can swim faster than a shark.

Urban Music Festival C4 9.55am

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Car Booty 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30pm: RHS Chelsea Flower Show 20051:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Taz-Mania 4:00 Arthur 4:15 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:30 Rule the School I assume this CBBC show has nothing to do with Belle and Sebastian’s super We Rule The School. In fact I think I saw a bit of this yesterday.

Rubbish.

5:00 Stupid Gaffney.5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Izzy digs for dirt on Paul. Pnnarr.

6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 A Question of Sport Which sports editor can’t spell Highbury and thinks that Germany is hosting ‘Euro2006’?

7:30 Top of the Pops 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 The Lenny Henry Show 9:00 Have I Got News for You 9:30 The Kumars at No 42 10:00 BBC News 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35 FILM: Return to Me Starring Chris Evans and Billie Piper.

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Saturday

May 23 - 29 2005

Page 17

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06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 11.50 Coronation Street With Ian “You can call me Sir, young man” McKellen 14.10 Nanny 911 15.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

16.10 Holiday Showdown 17.10 Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones... It's Good to Be.. Anal crust on the butthole of pop culture.

17.35 Planet's Funniest Animals 18.00 House of Horrors 18.30 House of Horrors 19.00 Celebrity Fit Club USA 19.50 Cameron Diaz... Love Chain 20.15 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 21.15 Film: Escape from New York ...And straight to Paris.

23.15 Celebrity Love Island Live 12.30pm Abi slaps her puddings on the bar and yells “bukakefest” 02.00 Emmerdale Omnibus Matt Le Tissier’s wife stalks another schoolboy around the bins outside the Woolpack.

03.55 Teleshopping 05.55 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 Sounds of the Seventies Music from T Rex, the Sweet, David Cassidy, Mud and Alvin Stardust. Crock of shit, apart from The Sweet. Mmmm Blockbuster.

19.30 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005: The Contenders 20.30 Alchemists of Sound Radiophonic Workshop 21.30 The Thick of It 22.00 Only the Strong Survive 23.35 Samuel Johnson Prize For dictionary-related achievement. I once balanced five of them on top of my head so I’m in with a shot. 2005: The Contenders 24.35 Chairman George: To Beijing via Athens 01.35 Games in Athens BBC Four catch up with the Olympics almost a year late 02.45 The Thick of It 03.15 Alchemists of Sound... ...Medicine 4 My Pain by Lynden David Hall, Pills, Thrills and Bellyaches by The Happy Mondays, anything by Ted Leo and the Pharmicists or the Cut Chemist, Let’s Get Ill by Puff Daddy, License to Ill by The Beastie Boys etc...

Radiophonic Workshop... oh right, this is what it’s about.

Test Cricket C4 1pm

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 Transworld Sport 8:00 The Morning Line 8:50 Monster Jam What is “monster” jam that turns your knuckles into grapes, jam that makes you want to walk into Travel Agents and shout “Yes!”, jam that makes your insides turn into chutney, jam that makes you want to listen to Kasabian... actually no that’s going too far.

UK 9:20 Freesports On 4 9:55 The Cricket Show 10:25 Test Cricket 12:35 The Lunch Break 1:00 Test Cricket 3:30 Test Cricket 6:30 Channel 4 News 7:00 Return To The Valley Of The Kings 8:00pm Tutankhamun Exhumed 9:00 Big Brother YES fuck you I won’t do what you tell me, even if you are Zach De La Funkenstein 10:05 Mean Machine (2001) Unbelieveably pisspoor looking football thuggery with Vinny “Don’t typecase me or I’ll chin yer” Jones, and a plethora of sub Lock Stock English toffs pretending to be hard just because they’ve got a pool cue crammed up their prostate.

12:00 Today At The Test 12:35 All I Want – A Portrait Of Rufus Wainwright I’d definitely do Rufus, the cuddly loveable overlord of the kingdom of gay. If you’d seen him strip to his pants and spent the majority of the time looking at his crotch rather than at his significantly more female backing singers who also stripped to their pants, you’d be agreeing here. If you weren’t, girls: don’t let your boyfriends anywhere near this.

1:40 Big Brother Live 4:40 Punk’d 5:10 South American Football

6:00 Big Brother Live 12:10 Big Brother: Live Launch Show 1:25 Big Brother’s Little Brother: Live Launch Show Tune in for next weeks TV desk for our lowdown on this years contestants.

Will we have a repeat of the three best characters in BB history this year? Alex, the drunken anal model who liked Nine Inch Nails, Sandy the overweight Scottish dude who barely said anything until one day he pissed in a bin and then climbed on the roof, and Dean, who called Destiny Child “wafer thin” and did absolutely nothing else.

2:25 Hit40UK 2:50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00 Fiends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 7:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Year Smallville: Superman The Early Year 20:00pm Fiends 20:30pm Fiends 21:00pm Johnny Vegas: 18 Stone of Idiot “Idiot” doesn’t do this knob-gobbler justice. I’m glad Peter Kay stole his “fat and funny” crown, although he’s not exactly a rib tickler.

22:00pm

06.00 Sunrise 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Mio Mao 07.30 Funky Valley 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Roobarb 07.55 Rolie Polie Olie 08.30 Franklin 09.00 George Shrinks 09.30 Beyblade 09.55 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 10.50 Beast Wars 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.35 Film: Jewel 15.25 Film: Asterix and Obelix: Mission Cleopatra 17.05 Charmed Hey Charmed fans, finally the first season is supposed to be out on DVD in June, I have it on good authority.

It was only supposed to come out in 2001. See you in 2040 for season two, you nerds! You could easily watch Murder in Suburbia on ITV1 tonight to make up for it, you know.

18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 18.45 Film: Forget Paris Yeah, it’s full of idiot Americans who say “Champs Elysee shit going down” 20.40 five news 21.00 CSI:NY This episode appears to be called “The Fall” so here’s hoping the CSI team investigate the mysterious death of Mark E Smith‘s basic sense of logic and mentality, which went missing in a series of notorious incidents in the nineties. 22.00 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.55 Film: The 13th Floor 24.50 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 01.45 Film: The Perfect Nanny 03.25 Sunset Beach 04.05 Beverly Hills, 90210 04.50 Russell Grant's Postcards

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6.00 GMTV 6.00-9.25 Toonattik 9.25 MOM. 11.30 F1: European Grand Prix Qualifying.

1.10 ITV News; Weather.

1.15 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 1.20 Monaco GP2.

1.50 Sin City: The Premiere Forgive me O Lord when I get to the gates of heaven, but I really think this film looks quite good.

I’m obviously not going to see it, but you know, black and white 1984/Eraserhead-tastic scenes 2.20 Creature Comforts 2.30 Barbara Worst sitcom ever gets a not-needed-at-all re-run on Saturday afternoon. Go and get laid you urine-soaked old trout.

3.00 FILM: Father of the Bride 4.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

5.10 You've Been Framed.

6.10 FILM: X-Men.7.30 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather.

7.45 FILM: X-Men 8.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.15 Murder in Suburbia.

When the body of a teenager is discovered in a cemetery, detectives Ash and Scribbs delve into the scary world of schoolgirl witchcraft. They investigate the victim's best friend, her boyfriend, and an unpopular pupil obsessed with the music teacher, but as events unfold, the detectives start to get spooked themselves. Awesome Heathers scenes abound.

10.15 Celebrity Love Island 11.15 ITV News.

11.30 FILM: Married to the Mob. 1.25 FILM: White Fang 2: Myth of the White Wolf. 4.00 The Pitts. Dummy and Dummier 4.25 Entertainment Now! 4.50 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early

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19.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.15 Making Little Britain Too 20.45 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 21.05 Farscape 21.50 Film: Pulp Fiction Whoa seminal loads of violence supercool student lounge poster seminal man had it on DVD in 1993 Tarantino dude, fucking wow drgus and guns man, better than Resevoir Dogs like, Kill Bill wasw pants it’s fucking John Travolta from Grease! Fucking a man, loads of guns and gansters, don’t forget the gangsters. Drugs too, what’s in the suitcase aaah I’ve got to get me another poster for my student lounge etc etc.

24.15 Doctor Who The Doctor Dances. Presumably to The Time Warp. Or maybe he like a bit of ‘Scarf’ punk, The Rolling Ecclestones, and of course, I Like the Way You Move

by The Bodyrockers. How could he not? 01.00 Doctor Who Confidential 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a

6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Ever Wondered about Food. 12:00pm: See Hear.

12:45 Trade Secrets.

Professionals share the pricks of their trade. 12:55 Talking Movies. 1:20 Sir John Mills's Moving Memories Alternatively, TV John’s gut-moving memories, such as the time I overdosed on marmite, cider and blackcurrant and baked beans and vomited technicolour chunks over my bathroom floor.

2:20 FILM: An American in Paris “Holy shit dawg, it’s the Arc-de-fucking-Triomphe - Hey Darlene, get a load of this Champs Elyesee shit going down all up in my face motherfucker” 4:10 Castle in the Country.

5:10 Golf: PGA Championship 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Nazis: A Warning from History Look out Poland, he’s behind you!

7:50 RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2005.

9:00 Soul Deep: The Story of Black Popular Music.

10:00 Conviction.

11:00 Have I Got News for You. 11:30 FILM: A Fistful of Dynamite The lover’s guide gets explosive in a new controversial technique to be tested soon between Abi Titmuss’ legs, Bikini Atoll.

2:00am: BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: A Language for Movement. 2:30 Talking Buildings. 3:00 Uncertain Principles. 3:30 Apples, Risks and Recriminations Hands up who can find a connection between all of these things. Did you know Isaac Newton invented the cat flap? True story. goifdgh.

4:30 The Next Big Thing.

The Lunch Box S4C 12.15am

Your Union

6:50 Boo! 6:20 Tikkabilla 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Tom and Jerry Kids 7:30 Dennis the Menace 7:55 Watch My Chops 8:15 The Mummy. Spring of Evil. 8:35 Fairly Odd Parents.

9:00 The Saturday Show.

10:30 The Basil Brush Show 10:55 What's New Scooby Doo? 11:15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 11:35 CBBC Show Selecta 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather.

12:10 Grandstand 12:15 World Cup Rowing 2:00 French Open Tennis 2:55 England v USA Football 3:00 Golf: PGA Championship 5:10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather.

5:30 Only Fools and Horses.

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

6:00 Strictly Dance Fever 7:00 Doctor Who 7:45 The National Lottery: Come and Have a Go 8:35 Strictly Dance Fever 8:45 Test the Nation: The 20th Century Test “Uhh I don’t know anything about that, it were before I were born” - The Nation.

10:05 BBC News; Weather 10:25 Test the Nation: 20th Century Test 11:40 Match of the Day. USA v England Peter Crouch to suddenly discover his form and get signed for someone else. Take him, we don’t want his beanpole thuggishness now we’re in the Championship.

12:20am: FILM: Celtic Pride All aspects of Celtic Football Club covered except the free transfer of Craig Bellamy from Newcastle, which is of course, nothing to be proud of.

1:50 Top of the Pops Akon and the dancing kiddies return for more.

2:20 Joins BBC News 24.

Beast Wars five 10.50pm

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line 08:50 Monster Jam UK 09:20 Freesports: X-Box Big Day Out 09:55 The Cricket Show 10:25 Test Cricket 12:35 The Lunch Box 13:00 Test Cricket 15:30 Test Cricket 18:30 Selling Houses 19:00 Newyddion a Chwaerion 19:15 Risg 19:45 Tipyn o Stag 20:15 Bond: Story Eos 21:15 O Flaen Dy Lyglaed 22:15 Cnex 22:30 Big Brother 23:35 Dylan Moran: Monster Live This is absolutely hilarious, trust me.

00.40 Today At The Test 01:40 Big Brother Live 03:45 South American Football Champsionship 2005 04:45 Kotv Right fuck this shit, this week it’s all about Illinois by Sufjan Stevens, the latest concept album in his fifty states series.

Twenty-two tracks and song titles longer than a German brockwurst.

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Sunday

Page 18

May 23 - 29 2005

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19.00 Doctor Who 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Spendaholics This week I purchased...nothing except copious amounts of beer to stop me thinking about my dull working life. 22.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.00 Cyderdelic Right, what the hell is going on. I’ve been writing Sunday for months now and the schedule has never changed.

Now, they seem to think they can increase viewing figures by having shitely named shows.

Don’t give in. Don’t watch it.

0.30 Spendaholics 01.30 The Bachelor Dave ‘I own the gair rhydd’ Menon talks of his lonely life within the confines of Talybont. C’mon, give him a call.

Or text letters pages. 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.25 Cyderdelic Repeated and still shit. 04.05 Close

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Renee Zellweger... It's Good to Be So by that we mean, fat, round, red cheeked, stupid, dull, piscine, texan, fat, chubby, corpulent and down with love.

9.55 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 10.55 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 11.55 American Idol Finale 12.45 American Idol Finale 14.20 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.45 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.10 American Idol Finale 20.00 American Idol Finale 21.40 Footballers' Wives Extra Time 22.10 Coronation Street 22.40 Drew Barrymore... Love Chain Well, after doing my research, she’s had half the members of the office, including the women. But to be honest, with the calibre of women flaunting themsleves here today, what would you expect? Oh and TV Grace punched TV John repeatedly in the face on Saturday night. There was an appeal on Crimewatch last night for witnesses. The case continues...

23.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 02.00 Teleshopping 04.00 ITV2 Nightscreen

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20.00 Wildlife Special 21.00 Heimat 22.30 Heimat: The Story of a Nation 23.00 Genocide and the Second Reich Using my hazy pre-twentieth century German history, I think this has something to do with Peter the Great, but of course I could be wrong. For those clever dicks out there, this has nothing to do with Hitler (‘cos he created the Third Reich). 0.00 Tales from Greece 01.00 Proms on Four 2004 03.00 Genocide and the Second Reich 04.00 Close For some strange reason, the paper is tiny this week but as a result, I’m almost finished. I just need to finish off two more columns and then I can off to the pub and drink away my pains. It would be fun to teach fucking annoying children pissed. I’ve done that once before though and the kids noticed. Made my street cred soar though.

Executive Decision five 9pm

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 10:00 Test Cricket 12:35 The Lunch Break 1:10 Test Cricket Fucking hell Channel 4 have cut down the schedule. And for what? Cricket I can’t watch cos I’m fucking working! Damn those bat and balls.

18:30 Time Team Special I’ve just realised, where’s t’O.C.?! The knobbing cricket has replaced my bloved California? Damn you stupid people at Channel 4.

You have no idea what confusion and terror you will create out of this 19:30 Channel 4 News 20:00 Pioneer House 21:00 Big Brother Oh joy, more voyeuristic cock and balls for all of us to while away hours of our precious time; debating which knobheaded contestant is going to vomit/fuck/get nekked/die (delete as applicable). I’m going to try and avoid this as much as possible but I reckon my fast will last about two days. Bugger.

22:00 Derren Brown: The Gathering 23:10 DV8: The Cost Of Living 23:55 Today At The Test Yeah, just incase you missed the six hours of cricket earlier in the day, you can watch this.

Obsessed much? 0:25 Big Brother Live I have to admit that some nights I did actually stay up to watch the live version late at night. And in the mornings I used to watch the housemates sleeping which, thinking back, was rather creepy and pretty sad. But I’m not the only one.

02:30 World Superbikes 03:30 KOTV 4:05 French Football: Le Championnat 6:00 Close Goodnight Big Brother.

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 9.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9.35 Celebrity Wrestling Raking in the viewers at half nine in the morning. How is this for kids?

10.50 cd:uk 11.50 ITV News; Weather 11.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.00 F1: European Grand Prix Live 15.00 Waterfront 15.30 FILM: The Love Bug (1966) 17.25 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 17.55 Going to Seed Gary just did in stylish fashion by squirting all over Menon monkey. Ok, I’ll be honest, he stepped on a little pot of garlic and herb dip that came with the pizza. Would be much more fun it was actually semen.

18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 The Last Detective 22.30 Celebrity Love Island Now for once, I gave this piss poor show a go.

And...it was crap. After the initial ‘women in bikinis’ enjoymen was over I turned off. As did over one million other people. I wonder how many weeks it’ll take for this to be axed? I’m going for one more week. And then they’re gonna sell the Abi-on-the-beach sex tapes.

23.00 ITV News 23.05 The Classical Brit Awards 0.25 F1: European Grand Prix Highlights 01.20 The Village People 01.50 Trisha Evidently these are more ‘heart-warming tales’. Read: skanky chavs recalling their first times. In the back of a Nova in a Burberry trackie. Classy. 2.50 Today with Des and Mel 03.45 Loose Women 04.30 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

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6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby-Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Past Times 11:30 The Nation's Favourite Food 12:00 Andes to Amazon 12:50 Animal Park 13:20 Sunday Grandstand 13:25 French Open Tennis No, no don’t tell me: Timothy will get our hopes up by saying this will be his way into a Championship run at Wimbledon and then he’ll, predicatbly, crash out in the first round. Not that I’m cynical or anything. 14:30 Golf: PGA Championship 18:10 Natural World 19:00 Shark Battlefield This week, Sharkey takes on George(s). See what I almost did there. Fucking genius. Next week, Jaws eats the winner. One not to miss 20:00 Top Gear 21:00 Horizon 22:00 Dead Ringers 22:30 Game Over Kasparov and the Machine: Storyville 23:55 FILM: Plaza Suite (1971) 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners: Adult Learners Week: Skills As you watch this just think, sleeping is giving in, so lift those heavy eyelids. Oh dear I need to stop listening to music.

03:00 Adult Learners Week: Books Adult education 04:00 Adult Learners Week: Diversity 05:00 Adult Learners Week: Beliefs I’ve lost all comedic inspiration at the moment because I’m totally engrossed in Wake Up

by Arcade Fire which is floating around the office at the moment.

Myself and the dance extraordinaire TV Will have just danced our way through the song. We’re thinking of releasing it on dvd to help those fly off.

The Cost Of Living C4 11.10pm

6:00 Big Brother Live 16:30 Star Wars: T4 Movie Special 17:00 Faking It USA Right, not long left and then I can head off to the pub. I had a discussion about the joys of woggles with TV Grace earlier. She claims she wants to join the navy to learn some discipline. There are places you can go for that...

18:00 The O.C. So how does this work? Channel 4 are showing cricket and yet E4 can show the O.C. God I love this show. To give away the plot...Seth and Summer split up again after Seth goes on a TV show and licks ice cream off another girl (no I’m not making this up!). Jim Robinson dies! Shock horror and Seth’s mum has an affair with that stupid guy who she was flirting with last week.

Stupid girl. Who couldn’t resist Sandy’s huge bushy eyebrows.

I’d sleep with him and I’m a man. Well at least I think I am.

I’ll find someone to check.

19:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 20:00 Scrubs 20:30 Scrubs 21:00 ER 22:00 Desperate Housewives 23:00 Big Brother Live

6.00 Softies 6.05 Bear in the Big Blue House 6.30 The SaveUms! 6.45 Franny's Feet 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.20 Mio Mao 7.30 Funky Valley 7.35 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Roobarb 7.50 Rolie Polie Olie 8.25 Franklin 8.55 George Shrinks 9.25 The Secret of Eel Island 9.40 Aliens among Us 9.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Snobs 11.35 A Different Life 12.05 Rooted 12.35 Tim Marlow's Judgement Day But definately not as good as Arnie’s Judgement Day. I made a hilarious, laugh a minute prank call earlier quoting the immortal line from Terminator 2, ‘your foster parents are dead’ Great. 13.05 five news update 13.10 Film: North

by Northwest (1959) 15.45 Film: The Hound of the Baskervilles (1983) 17.40 five news 17.50 Film: Batman and Robin (1997) I see the trend five are following. Now longer do they bore us with second rate porn but they’ve decided the same fate for us but using the medium of shite film. And yes, it does achieve the desired effect.

Death by melting eyeballs.

20.00 Joey 20.30 Two and a Half Men 21.00 Film: Executive Decision (1996) The day Editor Gary decided to give into the peer presure and wear that dress he’d been hiding away in the depths of his wardrobe for all those years. In the sequal he attends his beloved Exeter City football clun wearing the said dress.

Controversial.

23.35 World's Wildest Police Videos 0.25 Wildboyz 0.55 US Major League Baseball 04.05 Motorsport Mundial 04.30 Portuguese Football

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6:00 Breakfast 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:30 Countryfile 12:00 BBC News; Weather 12:05 Keeping Up Appearances 12:35 Bargain Hunt 13:05 The Father Dowling Mysteries 13:50 EastEnders 15:40 FILM: Junior (1994) 17:25 Points of View 17:40 Songs of Praise 18:15 Last of the Summer Wine 18:45 20th Century Roadshow 19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 55 Degrees North No one in the office has any clue where this might be. One suggestion that the tropics of Capricorn and Cancer were 120 degrees either side of the equator was shot down in flames. To be fair though, we have trouble finding where we are in Cardiff let alone where the fuck 55 degrees north is. If you want to be really clever, text into letters page the answer and we might even reply with a prize. Last week’s Radio Times perhaps?

20:55 FILM: Cast Away (2000) This is that film in which Mr Hanks thinned down to make. I’ve never seen it but there is a football with grass for hair.

Worth watching?

22:25 BBC News; Weather 22:45 FILM: Cast Away (2000) 23:30 FILM: Thunderbolt and Lightfoot (1974) 01:25 Joins BBC News 24 I finally gave into TV Desk pressure and purchased the uttlerly fantastic Funeral by Arcade Fire. I’ve been listening to it all week and I’m never gonna tire.

Sharkworld Battlefield BBC2 7pm

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6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Hollyoaks 8:00 Hollyoaks 8:30 Hollyoaks 9:00 Rownd A Rownd 9:30 Rownd A Rownd 10:00 Test Cricket 12:35 The Lunch Break 13:10 Test Cricket 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cym Omnibws 19:30 Rhwng Duw A Dyn 20:00 Cyngerdd Yr Urdd 2005 22:05 Newyddion 22:20 Tipyn O Stad 22:50 Big Brother Fuck me they have Big Brother 23:50 Derren Brown: The GatheringI think he’s trying to tap into the secret underground world of ‘Magic: The Gathering. Played around libraries everywhere by scary looking brown people. As in brown clothes. Not the other thing. 00:55 Today At The Test: England V Bangladesh 01:25 Big Brother Live 02:30 Comedy Lab: I’m Spazticus The Top 1 Spartacus comedy sketch of all time. And this week, after countless votes and painstaking viewing, the winner is The Life Of Brian. 03:00 French Football: Le Championnat 03:30 South American Football Championship 2005 04:25 KOTV Classics 2005

Five Minute Fun

May 23 2005

Page 19

fiveminutefun@gairrhydd.com

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

I went to see Friday NIght Lights the other day, it was great.

It uses American Football as a metaphor for nothingness in small town America. It features a startling performance from Tim McGraw as a drunkard thug, whose life is consumed with harassing his much put upon son.

Tim McGraw has another career as a useless Country & Western singer (you may remember the song he did with Nelly). Apparently acting is just a sideline. Tim, if you’re reading, that’s a big mistake.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Let’s not get carried away: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Colm

in the event of a tie . . .

Do you find this women scary? If not, why not?

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