gair rhydd - Issue 790

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NUS/DAILY MIRROR STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

NUS Wales President under fire

Security flaws exposed University halls investigated

James Knight refuses to resign after being accused of failing students

By Will Talmage News Editor

PHOTO: Will Talmage

NUS WALES President James Knight was fighting to save his political career following calls from politicians and union leaders for him to resign.

Following the debate at the National Assembly on Tuesday May 24, where Assembly members voted against top-up fees in Wales, Knight’s role has been called into question. The NUS Wales President called for Assembly Members to postpone the debate until the Rees report was published, which subsequently recommended fees.

Janet Ryder, Plaid Cymru AM, said: "If we had waited, fees would certainly have been introduced. It was clear from the interim report that they were going to recommend fees."

On Friday May 27, Cardiff University Students’ Union President, Gary Rees, along with four other Welsh students’ union leaders sent a letter to Knight calling for his resignation.

In the letter, they cited Knight’s "actions, and indeed, inactions, over the course of the past 10 days concerning the fight against the introduction of fees into Wales" as the predominant reason.

The letter was signed by presidents from UWIC, Swansea, Swansea Institute and the Aberystwyth Guild of Students.

The letter went on to say: "You have been mandated to campaign against fees and you failed. You have an executive, who you did not mobilize. You claim to represent student views, you do not."

Days before the plenary debate in the National Assembly, a press release was sent to all Assembly Members calling for a cease-fire and asking them to wait until the Rees report was published. The release, quoting James Knight, clearly calls for Assembly Members to vote against the debate, which would have been a blow to the anti top-up fees campaign.

The press release said: "NUS Wales is calling on all the parties in the National Assembly to wait until Professor Rees, and the group working with her, release their report next week."

James Knight added: "The Rees group was set up as an independent investigation and NUS Wales wants to praise Teresa Rees for listening to all sides of the argument and taking evidence from all interested parties."

Jenny Randerson, the Liberal Democrat AM, received the press release from NUS Wales. She said: "James Knight fell into the same trap as Professor Teresa Rees – working on behalf of the Minister.

“I was particularly surprised by NUS Wales as they always oppose top-up fees. You don’t give up at the first hurdle. I’m very disappointed the NUS didn’t stick to its guns."

Janet Ryder added: "I was amazed I received a lobby from the NUS. The fact that NUS Wales chose to say no to the opportunity to get rid of top-up fees in Wales was unbelievable."

When questioned about his motives for attempting to postpone the debate, James Knight said: "NUS Wales was instrumental in getting the independent Rees report set up and it was only courteous to wait for the report to be released before we debated the issue."

Knight defended his position by saying: "We initially had a press release [which said NUS Wales called for a cease-fire over fees] but on the Monday before, when the strength of opinion became clear, NUS Wales was there at the Welsh Assembly lobbying AMs to ensure they voted for the motion."

Jenny Randerson responded to this claim by categorically stating that she was under no impression that NUS Wales or James Knight wanted her to vote for the debate: "I received no follow up correcting press release, nor did any member of NUS Wales tell me to vote for the debate. When I cast my vote, it was clear NUS Wales was lobbying against the opposition.

"When I talked to sabbatical officers from Cardiff University Students’ Union, I was surprised that they were encouraging me to vote for the debate as it was completely different to the stance NUS Wales were taking."

A motion of censure against Knight was submitted to the NUS national Council last Tuesday by four students’ unions in Wales, although the motion was not debated.

Mel Whitter, NUS Wales Women’s Officer and the Welsh representative on the National Council told gair rhydd that the motion could not be debated at the meeting due to the lack of time.

However, James Lloyd, the NUS National Secretary, said: "To my recognition nothing was handed in, even though I personally gave her [Mel Whitter] a copy of the motion."

James Knight remains adamant that he won’t resign. He said: "I was elected with a clear majority at the Spring conference and the people who are calling on me to resign now are the same people who did not support me or vote for me when I was re-elected.

"We cannot change a democratic election just because some members didn’t agree with the result."

BIG BROTHER ISN’T WATCHING: A camera at Senghennydd Court where our reporters found serious lapses in campus security

By Will Talmage & Thom Airs AS WE EMERGE into a communal kitchen on the ground floor of Gordon Hall, Archaeology student Andy Evans looks alarmed. And so he might. With two gair rhydd reporters arriving unannounced in his corridor, the first-year student is keen to hear our explanation.

When we make it clear that we are investigating the security in halls of residence, Evans is quick to tell us how he found a burglar in the corridor after the Easter break.

Over the course of the day, stumbling into the kitchens and corridors of students in University Hall and Senghennydd elicits similar response.

Having breezed through the unlocked doors or gaping windows of the University’s accommodation buildings, the slightly bemused residents often recount incidents of recent burglaries.

Back in the ground-floor kitchen of Gordon Hall, which we had accessed thanks to a side

door being left on the latch, Andy Evans is clearly used to thinking about the security of his accommodation: “We always have to lock our door, even if we’re only out for four or five minutes. Just after Easter I saw a guy looking in through my window. He came in through the front door and passed just three feet away from me. I rang security but they couldn’t find him.

When the police later arrested him, he pulled a knife on the officer and was found to have stolen a laptop, a camera and girls’ clothes.”

As we leave Evans’s kitchen and walk unopposed through the long corridor and to the front door it is clear that it takes little effort to reach the possessions of the residents. Outside, a glance to see if our actions are being captured on camera reveals lenses pointed away from both the front and side doors we’ve just passed through.

In Senghennydd, the third biggest halls in Cardiff, we again encounter wayward-pointing CCTV, but no unlocked doors.

Instead, as we walk down the narrow alleyway at the rear of

the building, we find dozens of ground-floor windows propped open. Most remain tethered to the window frame, allowing them to only open a few inches.

At least four, however, have come free from these metal constraints and hang temptingly open, revealing books, hair dryers and video games within easy reach.

The owners of one such window speak openly of their security fears. Tom Hamilton, a first year French and German student is aware of the dangers: “Flat D got their PlayStation stolen. The thieves got in through the window.”

Also in the kitchen that we’ve just walked in on is 19-year-old Sociology and Politics student Becky Clisset: “Security here could be a lot better, the security guards don’t really walk around much. At Uni Hall there’s locked gates; just because we pay less it doesn’t mean our security should be compromised. It’s elitism.”

Despite the perimeter gates at both ends of University Hall and the recent refit to East Wing, we still manage to uncover a sur-

prisingly large number of flaws in the security of Cardiff’s second biggest halls.

Gaining access to Garden Wing was simply a case of pushing open a door that should have been locked. Closer inspection of the lock itself revealed a missing latch, making it impossible to secure. Our journey through Garden Wing was made easy by further damaged and missing locks.

More of the same greeted us as we entered Birchwood, where we met three students who wished to remain anonymous.

One of them, clearly surprised by our presence, echoed the comments made by the residents of other halls: “Security here is pretty lax. One of the doors to the halls is always open. The keys are only supposed to open one corridor, but mine opens a few. A couple of people have had a few things stolen, such as my mate’s laptop. He went to the toilet and left his door open.

This term’s been better, but you used to be able to get into one door that let you into the whole of Birchwood.”

Continuing our tour of the

city’s halls, we moved on to the largest of the University’s halls: Talybont. Although reputed to be one of the most secure halls of residence, we quickly discovered a door completely missing its lock. The door, in Talybont North, gave access to a whole staircase and is known to have been without its lock for over two months. To its credit, Talybont South had a very visible security camera presence, and all doors were securely locked.

During four hours of attempting to break in to halls of residence, not once did a security guard question our activities.

Only a cleaner in Gordon Hall queried our actions, although she was easily convinced that our motives were not malicious, without us having to produce any form of student identification.

Assurances have been made by the Residences and Catering division that all of the security risks that we have highlighted either have been or will be fixed by the time of going to print.

Full investigation on page 3

Referee shortage in Wales

By Thom Airs Sports Editor WELSH FOOTBALL could be facing a serious lack of referees according to a recent investigation.

The BBC’s ‘Eye on Wales’ claims that the paucity of trained officials in the Welsh League and Cymru Alliance is nearing crisis point.

Roger Gifford, the national referees’ officer for the Football Association of Wales, said: “[If the] current trend of recruitment continues, in the Welsh League in the south and the Cymru Alliance in the north, we will not have referees and that will be a very sad day indeed.”

The drop in the number of people training to become officials has been blamed on high-profile assaults on players and referees.

Wayne Davies, from Ammanford, hung up his whistle after being spat at and verbally abused during a game in Llanelli: “Up until this incident I was loving it. You have ups and downs, but it is getting OTT.” A shortfall in the number of new recruits is also threatening lower-league football in Wales.

Some observers believe that the number of trainee men in black – who have to be at least 14 yearsold and have ‘OK’ eyesight by order of the Referees’ Association – is falling due to the way Premiership referees are treated.

Chris Howard, head teacher of Lewis School in Pengam, says football’s superstars have a lot to answer for: “When watching that game [Manchester United against Arsenal in the Premier League] I did think what chance have we got if youngsters in school behave the same way.

“What worries me is that people see authority figures being abused and I’m sure that over time that kind of thing does rub off.”

With refereeing courses set to be introduced to the University’s Intra-Mural Games next year, Cardiff students will be hopeful that the trends in the national game don’t spill over onto the pitches of Pontcanna.

The battle for Columbia’s white gold In Columbia, Ingrid Betancourt, a former presidential candidate, has been held hostage for over three years by a gang of drug traffickers.

She is believed to be one of 3,000 hostages kidnapped by the militant group Farc

(Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia).

The group’s strong links with America’s cocaine trade has alerted American forces, who are intent on smashing Columbia’s gangs of drug smugglers.

Full story: World News, p.5

News

Page 2

June 6 2005

News@gairrhydd.com

aglance Under examination

At

Photo: Adam Gasson

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EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Holly Marshall, Tom Wellingham, Will Dean NEWS Paul Dicken, Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Matt Wilkin POLITICS Caroline Farwell, Andrew Mickel OPINION & EDITORIAL Alys Southwood, Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs SCIENCE Chris Matthews HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Will Schmit, Hannah Muddiman INTERVIEWS Xandria Horton BOOKS KerryLynne Doyle TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth, Lois Dafydd TELEVISION Grace DeVille, Katie Brunt, Gareth Paisey, Andrew Mannarwing, Jim Anthony, John Widdop, Will Dean LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB! Sheryl Plant MEDIA Bec Storey, Heather Casey COMEDY PROBLEM PAGE Matt Hill TRAVEL Laura Tovey, Sarah Cummins HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Adam Gasson, Luke Pavey DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis, Caroline Farwell, Charissa Coulthard DEPUTY SPORTS EDITOR Tim Lewis PROOF READERS Shell Plant, Matt Hill, Amy Harrison, Laura Tovey, Lauren Faithful, Alex Godfrey, KerryLynne Doyle CONTRIBUTORS Gemma Walker, Bethany Whiteside, Owain Jones, Laura Wootten, Ceri Morgan, Sarah Dobbs, Colm Loughlin, Chris White, Caleb Woodbridge, Andrew Rennison, Fernando Sucre, Farah Ahmad, Martin Kemp, Piers Horner, Lindsay Gowlett, Sam Coare I’ll try not to be too self-indulgent here but thanks to the following for a great year at the paper.

First of all, Elaine, who has gone way beyond the call of duty on many occasions. Editors may come and go, but Elaine really does hold the paper together and has been fantastic in every way, including her ability to know when the office needs a cup of coffee.

Jim, you too have been a legend. often as much of a co-editor as a deputy, you’ve provided wise counsel as well as a perfectionist streak that has won awards for Quench. I couldn’t have asked for a better second-incommand. Will, you’re the Obi-Wan of the paper now and the force is strong with you for Quench.

Dave, you’re an extremely talented sex pest. Don’t ever change, but watch out for paternity suits.

Wolfgang, I’ll miss your ruthless attention to detail and shouting.

Paul, the world news lynchpin.

Wilko, you’re one quietly talented boy. Go get ‘em. John and Thom, your dedication astounds me. Sport were robbed. Maybe. Robbie & Morwenna, you’ve done an often thankless job, but are one of the reasons why the text is so good. You’re appreciated more than you’ll ever know. Xani, you’re already a star, you’ve done an awesome job, don’t ever stop smiling. Alys, the dedication award says it all. Carrie, you’re a great writer and will make an awesome news ed. Perri, likewise, you’ve been there since the start.

Chris, science has rocked. Jess, you’ve exceeded all my expectations, it’s been great to have you around.

Carly and Scobie, you’re done a great job without many writers. Bec, I wouldn’t have left Media to anybody else, ever. Sefton, you’ve provided much needed sanity at a late hour.

Hannah M, it’s been fun, good luck in becoming the new Jim. TV Desk, you’re lewd, crude and I love you for it, my little monkfishes. Shell, a great friend and an equally great editor.

Matt, you’re the funniest man I know. Elgan, legend.

Quench people: Laura T, you’re great and have always been there at exactly the right time, thanks. Sarah C, the supplement was fun, lets do it again. Geordie, an intelligent, funny, cynic, ignore the cunts in suits.

Craig, top job mate, even if I can’t understand you half the time. Beth, believe in yourself and you’ll go far, you’ve done a great job. Cat, my third media baby, you’ve grown up fast. Hannah P, why can’t everybody be like you? Sam, Jon, Al, live the dream. Everybody else, I’m running out of space now so thanks to those I’ve missed out, sorry, I do love you, honest! Next years bunch, wish I’d got to know you all sooner. The sabbs - can we get drunk more often? Finally good luck Tom, I know you’re gonna do a great job. Gary

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CALM BEFORE THE STORM: Students prepare for their exam

By Perri Lewis Deputy News Editor

SOCIOLOGY FINAL exams were marred last week by a crucial mistake on an examination paper.

The rubric instructed candidates to attempt two questions, despite the fact that they had been told throughout the module that they would only be required to answer one.

The problem was resolved after students taking the examination in the main venue queried the instructions. Helen Murphy, a third year Sociology student explained: "We were all really confused at first because none of us were prepared to answer two questions.

"After a few seconds a couple of people put their hands up to question the instructions.

"The exam supervisors contacted our lecturer, who agreed that we were only supposed to be answering one question.

"Luckily we were told that we could take the exam how we had expected to.

"Obviously I was extremely confused and panicked – it certainly wasn’t a good way to start an exam, especially my finals."

However, while the mistake was rectified for the majority of students, those sitting the Metropolis module examination at alternative venues were never informed of the rubric error.

One third year who was forced to sit an exam he hadn’t

prepared for said that he was ‘gutted’ when he read the instructions.

"I thought maybe I'd made a mistake, despite the fact I was sure we'd been told all along that we would have to answer just one questions. It threw me quite a bit.

"After my exam I rang a friend to check that I hadn't had it wrong all along and she said that an announcement had been made after people had complained in the main venue.

"Our exam was on a Saturday so there was nothing I could do about it over the weekend, which was really frustrating. It was a worry and I was trying to forget about it so I could concentrate on other exams.

The University has made assurances that these students will not be disadvantaged by the mistake.

A spokesperson said: "In consultation with the School, students have been notified that Registry has submitted a report to the examination board who will take full consideration of the circumstances arising in order to ensure that students affected will not be placed at a disadvantage.

One student who sat the exam at an alternative venue confirmed that this has been the case: "My department have been excellent in the way they have responded and I am confident that the matter will be resolved in a satisfactory way."

Time out for AUT flip-flop on Israeli academia boycott lecturers

By Gemma Walker Reporter UNIVERSITY LECTURERS are suffering serious affects to their well being as a result of unpaid overtime, new research has revealed.

The online survey, conducted by the independent charity the Lecturers’ Union Natfhe and the Teacher Support Network, suggests university lecturers are currently working an average of 11 unpaid hours every week.

This extra burden, imposed on 69% of respondents, is being linked with health and personal problems suffered by members of the profession.

Natfhe has 42,000 members in higher education across the UK. 1,138 lecturers took part in the anonymous survey which ran for just over a month.

Of those almost seventy percent said the institutions that employ them don’t keep a check on their working hours per week to ensure the 48 hour working time directive isn’t breached.

As well as causing issues in

“University lecturers are working an average of 11 unpaid hours every week”

the lives of the lecturers themselves, there’s also the possibility of these long hours reducing the quality of teaching students receive.

“The majority feel their workload affects their interaction with students” 87% of lecturers who took part in the survey felt that the support they could offer their students was affected by overwork. Paul Mackney, the general secretary of Nafthe, said: "The goodwill of these dedicated professionals is propping up our universities but is taking its toll on them in a way that no job should.

"It is very worrying that the majority feel their workload affects their interaction with students."

The survey was prompted by calls made to the Teacher Support Network’s help line.

They speak to an average of three people each day relating to workload issues alone.

The two organisations are keen to highlight to universities the need for staff not be landed with workloads grossly out of proportion to their contracted hours.

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter LECTURERS HAVE voted to abolish a controversial boycott of Israeli academia, which has instigated a backlash at universities worldwide.

The Association of University Teachers (AUT) had encouraged the move to suspend the links with two Israeli universities, which it claimed were complicit in the maltreatment of Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza, at its conference in Eastbourne last month.

But there was a call for an emergency meeting in London where officials announced that delegates had voted to ‘revoke all existing boycotts of Israeli institutions’. These revelations were welcome amongst antiboycott campaigners who deemed this a victory against ‘left-wing anti-semitism’.

Jon Pike, a senior philosophy lecturer at the Open University and founder of anti-boycott group Engage, said: "I am relieved that the membership has mobilised and made clear its view that the boycott was an infringement of academic freedom and contributed nothing towards peaceful resolution of the conflict."

But Sue Blackwell, who proposed the original boycott, said that despite the result, "we have put this issue firmly on the map

and we have shown that people in British academia do care about what is happening in the occupied territories."

The Birmingham University activist also told gair rhydd: "This is only the start - we need people to be informed because I believe there is a lot of ignorance. Many people who attended the meeting were not really concerned about proper democracy; their one purpose was only to overturn the vote.

She added: "I’ve been an activist for 15 years and this is not proper use of an emergency council – there are a whole lot of dirty tricks going on, which we are making people aware of and opens up a whole new debate in the process."

“Everyone at Haifa will be very relieved that we can start to put this issue behind us”

The AUT had voted to boycott Haifa and Bar-Ilan universities, and said it was considering removing links with a third pending investigation. Yet, all three institutions have denied the allegations and Haifa has threatened to sue the AUT for defamation.

HAIFA UNIVERSITY: Links are now resumed Wendy Sandler, a professor at Haifa University, said she felt relieved that the decision had been upturned. She said: "Certainly everyone at Haifa will be very relieved that we can start to put this issue behind us.

Of course the fear is that the fanatics will continue to push their agenda of delegitimising Israel."

Commenting on the decision, a spokesperson for Campaign Group for Academic Freedom said: "While we are very pleased that the boycott overturned, this is not a real celebration because we all have to realise the damage caused by the boycott. Since the AUT boycott, peace activists have come under pressure and Palestinian academics who

opposed are now being labelled collaborators, which causes a great deal of harm and is exactly why boycotts of this kind do not help at all."

The delegates present at the emergency meeting supported a resolution calling on the AUT to give practical support to Palestinian and Israeli trade unionists and academics, whilst ensuring that the union will participate in a full review of its international policy.

Sally Hunt, the AUT general secretary, in a brief statement said: "It is now time to build bridges between those with opposing views here in the UK and to commit to supporting trade unionists in Israel and Palestine working for peace."

Rees report raises questions

Cardiff University shows its support for the introduction of top-up fees to fund higher education in Wales

By Dan Ridler Deputy News Editor FOLLOWING THE publication of the Rees report further questions have emerged hanging over the future of Higher Education funding in Wales.

The initial announcement that the assembly had voted against top-up fees in Wales was met with jubilation by students and anti-fees protestors alike.

But following the publication of the report there have been doubts cast about the future of university funding and subsequently continued university quality within Wales.

Many Higher education institutions across Wales now await

the decision of the Welsh Assembly on how they propose to fund the shortfalls and whether there will be a change to the method of administering financial support to students.

The Assembly has already announced that compensatory funding will be available for 2006 to 2007 but beyond these dates the future still remains unclear.

Cardiff University has also played down any potential for an ‘influx’ of students from England to avoid fees. They cite the improved financial support and tuition fee payment programnmes across the border as encouraging students to stay.

Cardiff University has expressed a wish to see Welsh

higher education funded.

“At a level which bridges the current funding gap with England, which provides a robust system of financial support for students, and which enables higher education in Wales to continue to contribute

“Unless a method of funding is established, students in Wales could find themselves considerably disadvantaged”

to the development of the knowledge based economy so vital to Wales.”

Cardiff, with other higher education institutions in Wales, could potentially suffer a funding shortfall if variable fees are not implemented in Wales, although they are apparently unable to put a figure on this at the moment.

But clearly it is causing worry for the powers that be within higher education.

A university spokesperson demonstrated the extent of the worry: “Unless an adequate method of funding Welsh universities is established promptly, students in Wales could find themselves considerably disadvantaged.”

REES: Presenting the report to the Assembly

News

June 6 2005

Page 3

news@gairrhydd.com

Further lapses in halls security uncovered

By Will Talmage & Thom Airs AN INVESTIGATION in to the security of universityrun halls has revealed significant weaknesses.

Following the story in an earlier gair rhydd, these new f indings highlight that, although some improvements have been made, the security within the university’s biggest halls could still be tightened considerably.

Gordon Hall, the site of the first investigation, has had a new door installed that makes it far more difficult to gain access. Unfortunately, on the day of our return visit, a side

“We’ve never had a break in. The only time we’ve had security issues is when students let people in”

Victoria Halls

door was left ajar, allowing easy access to a kitchen and a

number of corridors on the ground floor.

The results were similar at Senghennydd, University Hall and Talybont. Missing and damaged locks were widespread, allowing access to communal living areas at the university’s three largest residences.

When presented with the findings of our investigation, Residences and Catering division said: "The missing lock at Talybont has been replaced three times this year because of vandalism from inside. It is very expensive to replace these locks because they are not standard locks, but specially suited. The lock is now being replaced again."

In Senghennydd, groundfloor windows were found to be wide open, allowing easy access to any belongings inside. Although security brackets were available, many had been tampered with by the residents. On our brief tour of the site, we found four windows that were open wide enough for someone to crawl inside.

The Residences staff said: ‘Window restrictors are often removed by residents, but it is important to stress they are not a security measure. Students are always advised to close their windows."

After reporting the investi-

gation’s f indings to the Residences and Catering Division, they have made

“Just because we pay less, it doesn’t mean our security should be compromised.

It’s elitism.”

rity issues is when students let people in through the gates.

Caretakers and staff never let non-residents in."

This enviable security record is a far cry from the halls of residence that were visited during the investigation. But while the highly visible security measures at Victoria Hall are clearly effective, rent prices are higher than those at university-owned

halls. Becky Clissett, a firstyear Sociology and Politics student living in Senghennydd, told gair rhydd: "Just because we pay less, doesn’t mean our security should be compromised. It’s elitism."

Residences and Catering are keen to emphasise that if residents follow security advice and inform Residences staff of any damage to locks, such problems could be avoided.

Becky Clissett

assurances that all of the flaws revealed will be fixed by the time of going to print: "The University takes the issue of security very seriously and today [Thursday June 2] conducted an investigation into the allegation made.

"None of the broken, vandalised or missing locks at University Hall had been reported by residents. Several were replaced today. The rest will be replaced tomorrow [Friday].

In contrast to the University halls of residence, a spokesperson for Victoria Hall, a privately-run set of student flats on North Road, said: "We’ve never had a break-in.

The only time we’ve had secu-

OPEN DOOR POLICY: Broken lock in Uni Hall

Cardiff University worker named as lead G8 saboteur

By David Doyle News Editor A CARDIFF UNIVERSITY employee has been named as a suspected ring-leader of a group of anarchists intent on disrupting the G8 summit this July.

Mark Aston, a university administrator and vice-president of the Cardiff AUT, was exposed after an undercover reporter for The Sunday Times infiltrated a closed meeting of anti-capitalist activists.

The meeting was attended by a number of radical groups, many of whom are affiliated with either Dissent or The Wombles.

These organisations were responsible for much of the May Day mayhem in 2001.

In that demonstration many shop windows were smashed and several protestors were injured in confrontations between protestors and police.

The activists at centre stage were described in the May 29 issue of the paper as “hardline… dressed in black bomber jackets with trousers and military boots.”

The reporter, who posed as a

maths teacher and environmental activist, alleges that Aston, along with Italian wine importer’s son Alessio Lunghi, was one of these main organisers.

“The G8 summit is more than a photo shoot for politicians the multinationals turn up and tell them what to do”

Mark Aston

The Times claims that Aston led much of the discussion saying: “We want to do more than just wander around Edinburgh – we have to persuade people that a blockade is more effective.

“The G8 summit is more than a photo-shoot for politicians – the multinationals turn up and tell them what to do.

“We have to stop the transla-

tors, administrators and lobbyists from getting there. The conference can’t function without them.”

The Sunday Times claims to reveal these plans for disrupting the G8 summit, due to be held at Gleneagles in Scotland.

These include setting fire to an over-turned lorry on the main road to Gleneagles, burning tyres, telegraph poles and trees, and suspending activists from 12ft gallows-like devices.

The Crieff Hydro hotel in Perthsire as well as two other hotels in Glasgow will also be blockaded in the belief that without the administrators staying inside the G8 conference will be unable to function.

When the Times contacted Aston he said: “You seem to be telling me about a lot of stuff I don’t know about”. He then declined to comment further.

In a conversation with gair rhydd Aston said that he could not confirm the story.

“Obviously I have to think about my job at Cardiff University,” he said.

But he did put us in touch with the local radical group the Cardiff Anarchists Network (CAN) with which he said he

was connected.

CAN were one of the groups that the Sunday Times reporter

“We do not think lobbying can have a major impact in such biased and undemocratic organisations” Cardiff Anarchists alleges attended the Nottingham conference and are a part of the larger Dissent network.

They are opposed to G8 and describe their campaigning style as “A confrontational attitude, since we do not think that lobbying can have a major impact in such biased and undemocratic organisations, in which transnational capital is the only real policy-maker.”

CAN, who regularly hold meetings in Cardiff University

Students’ Union, campaign against G8 because: “despite being unelected and totally unacountable are one of the most powerful organisations in the world.

A spokesperson for CAN “They claim to be a force for good but in reality they have a neo-liberal agenda and serve only the interests of big business.”

But The Sunday Times writes that at the meeting it was clear that the conference were resigned to the fact that they would not be able to penetrate Gleneagles itself.

This is partly due to a five mile security cordon made from 10,000 wire mesh panels.

Willie Bald, Tayside Police assistant chief constable, said: “It clearly outlines the secure boundary lines which will be policed and where powers of arrest can be used.”

But MSP Roseanna Cunningham criticised the security measure.

“While the G8 leaders are presumably discussing matters related to international develoment, there are huge barriers between them and ‘ordinary people’ she said.

EASY ACCESS: We slip in to Senghennydd

Medic student survey to help ‘Inject the Funds”

By Charissa Coulthard Deputy News Editor FOLLOWING revelations made by gair rhydd’s “Inject the Funds” campaign, College President Jenny Longbottom has called for students’ help in improving standards at the Heath Hospital.

Earlier reports of high travel costs and ‘horrendous’ facilities have prompted Jenny to ask for students who have been placed at the Trust to contact her.

She said: “I need feedback to write a student report for the Trust and University.

“I want to produce a well documented argument that contains the views of many students.

“I want students’ views on facilities, teaching and their suggestions for improvement.”

Jenny will present the report at the annual meeting of Trust and University staff in July, which will be attended by the schools of heath care studies and nursing for the very first time.

“This is our first chance to present an all-round student view that includes all students placed within the Trust – not just medics,” she said.

The campaign was also sup-

ported by Labour, Liberal Democrats and Plaid Cymru politicians.

And now Longbottom is encouraging those at the Heath to come forward, confident in the impact of students voicing their opinions.

“I know that a lot of people are unhappy – but unless they send me their views their grievances will go unheard and nothing will be learnt from their experiences,” she said.

One student keen to voice her concerns was third-year Occupational Therapist Jenny Roberts.

“I think it’s incredibly important for students to come forward about this, because it means more changes will come about,” she said.

“If people are reluctant to make complaints then it won’t be taken very seriously.

“I really think action could be taken if enough experiences are heard.”

Those concerned about endangering their placement are reassured that their identities will remain anonymous.

If you have been placed within the Cardiff and Vale NHS trust in this academic year, please email Jenny at longbottomj@cf.ac.uk.

Cardiff lecturer’s wrath at new Devils stadium proposals

By Shell Plant Reporter

Photo: Adam Gasson

A CARDIFF University lecturer has expressed outrage at proposals to build an ice hockey rink in Sophia Gardens, at a cost of £2.5 million.

The proposals suggest that the stadium could be built next to Glamorgan Cricket Club on Bute Park.

The new ice hockey rink needs to be built to house the Cardiff Devils Ice Hockey team as the current rink is being demolished to build a new shopping centre.

It is said that a permanent home for the Devils will be built within the Cardiff International Sports Village in Cardiff Bay, but work has not yet begun.

Dr. Sara Gwenllian Jones, a lecturer at Cardiff University’s School of Journalism, is profoundly against the rink being built and has begun a ‘Protect Pontcanna Fields campaign’ with Plaid Cymru.

Dr. Jones states that further developments, such as car parking facilities for the 200,000 people who attend Cardiff Devils matches every year and fast-food outlets, are likely and will continue to erode the precious green space of Sophia Gardens.

“This is an open space that is

meant for the enjoyment of the public and surrounding wildlife,” she said.

“Bute Park and fields belong to all the people of Cardiff and must be protected from all further development so that it isn’t gradually eaten up by one project after another.”

Gwenllian Lansdown, Councillor of Plaid Cymru has also voiced her concerns regarding the ambiguity of the proposal.

“It says temporary, but the proposal does not clearly state if the rink will be there for three or five years, it does in fact suggest the rink could be permanent” she says.

Rachael Jones, 21, a third year music student said; “that is just stupid, they can’t put the new rink there. It’s miles away from the train station, they will have to put on so many car parking facilities if they want to house it there.”

But a spokesperson from Cardiff City Council has stated that there are no plans to build on Pontcanna fields and that this is a “misinformed rumour.”

The spokesperson commented that although there is a proposal from the Glamorgan cricket club to improve their current facilities and they may be able to temporarily house the Cardiff Devils ice hockey rink, this is merely a proposal and there are no definite plans at the moment.

CARDIFF CRICKET CLUB: Proposals could make the grounds neighbours with the Devils Ice Hockey Stadium

News

Page 4

June 6 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

It has been an eventful year; for those of you who couldn’t keep up gair rhydd’s News Year Round-Up will guide you through the front pages that shaped your year The worrying lack of security in Cardiff Halls of Residence hit the gair rhydd headlines in the first week of October after News Editor Will Talamage broke into Gordon Hall using only his credit card, and as this week’s issue shows the problem is still not solved.

On October 11 Cardiff students learned that the NUS national demonstration against top-up fees would be coming to Cardiff that December.

Next, local letting agents Nick Reagen had the privilege of the front page after students raised concerns that they were not being returned their bonds. Nick Reagen has now closed.

The last issue of the month highlighted the extent to which students had been left out of pocket after the student loans fiasco at the beginning of the year. It also revealed the truth behind Cardiff’s escaped kangaroo mystery - it was a fox.

Cardiff University Students’ Union was left without a working Athletic Union President after James Cole was suspended at the start of November pending a police investigation into an alleged assault.

Cole is still waiting to sit trial which was rescheduled for July 12.

Things were more positive for the Union in the following issue with the launch of the ‘Duck Off Fees’ campaign against top-up fees.

The campaign was launched in conjunction with the NUS for the national demonstration set to take place on December 2.

Next came the harrowing story of a Cardiff student who was found guilty of arson with the attempt to endanger lives.

Martin Grew, who poured petrol through the letterbox of his pregnant girlfriend’s home before lighting it, is now serving six years for the crime.

The issue of student security was again exposed in the foillowing gair rhydd with hundreds of pounds worth of goods stolen from first year Becky Crean’s Cartwright Court accomodation. gair rhydd also celebrated scooping the Best Student Paper of the Year award at the NUS/Mirror Media Awards shortly after Quench had also come runner-up in The Guardian Student Media Awards.

The last issue of November documented a violent attack during a Diwali celebration at Talybont Social and also explored both sides of the fees issue with comments from Chair of the Rees Review Teresa Rees and CUSU President Gary Rees.

The Freshers’ edition of the newspaper came out just as Cardiff University and the University of Wales College of Medicine confirmed their union.

But the following issue focused on less positive elements of university life with the shock statistics that one in three students are victims of crime and that three laptops had been stolen in a single week at the start of the year.

The last issue of 2004 saw the NUS national demonstration come to Cardiff. Despite an arguably poor turn out of 3,000 students from across the UK in a city with 20,000 student population, NUS President Kat Fletcher labelled the day “outstanding”.

But as last week’s fees triumph in the Assembly shows, the demonstration perhaps restored faith in the power of the student voice.

gair rhydd was printed again at the start of February with a story exploring claims that Iraqi Interim government Minister of State for National Security and former Cardiff student Qassim Dawoud was a violent Saddam loyalist who viciously assualted another former Iraqi student Jamal Hafid.

The following issue raised concerns from Cardiff students that the Union was trying to force students to sign a petition bringing about a referendum on whether CUSU should stay a part of the NUS. Students raised these fears to gair rhydd after being approached in queues at Solus and ‘pushed’ into signing.

After a computer error caused the abandonment of one issue the paper, the last issue of February focused again on the massing storm over whether Cardiff should stay in the NUS with a number of other Welsh unions telling gair rhydd that, prompted by the Actions Act Cardif, they were also considering disaffiliation.

After the Easter break gair rhydd launched the ‘Inject the Funds’ campaign in response to complaints against the standards at Heath hopital for training medical students.

The campaign ran for three weeks with local politicians’ backing and was resolved with a promise that change at the Heath site was a priority.

Any medical students who wish to make their voice heard on the issue can turn to page two to see how they can help change their education next year.

With the General Election the first issue of May turned its attention to which of the three main parties you could trust with local candidates trailed in the political section inside.

The next two issues saw a return to safety problems that plagued students last year with sexual assaults by a taxi driver and on a girl walking home from Tesco consecutively.

If students are concerned about their safety there are still personal alarms available from the Students’ Union for £1.50.

The extreme levels to which students will go to raise some extra cash were shown in the following issue with a Cardiff student narrowly escaping a prison sentance for fraudulantly selling goods via Ebay.

Business student Matthew Phillips was saved after intervention from his father who paid the £5,300 fine but still has to complete a 150 hour community service order.

The penultimate issue of gair rhydd celebrated a potentially crucial blow against plans to introduce top-up fees in Wales.

Assembly members voted against introducing the fees by a margin of a single vote heralding success for the ‘Duck Off Fees’ campaign launched earlier that academic year. gair rhydd editor Gary Andrews said: “This year has had some highs and lows but we’ve always been there to fight the students’ corner.

“I’d like to think that gair rhydd has made a difference in students’ lives for both entertainment and campaigning.

“A lot of people on both the paper and magazine have put in incredibly long hours and I think they can feel justifiably proud at what they have achieved this year.”

Letting agents were again at the forefront of students’ concerns when a house of Cardiff students were exposed to a potentially fatal carbon -monoxide leak. The gair rhydd story has since been used as evidence at a disciplinary committee that got agents CPS suspended from prestigious association ALMA. CUSU’s campaign to leave the NUS came to the fore at the end of March with a debate between representatives of both sides.

The News this year was brought to you by...

Paul ‘Lynch-Pin’ Dicken

Dave ‘Sex-Pest’ Doyle

Will ‘Wolfgang’ Talmage

Matt ‘Sgt Wilko’ Wilkin

After a brief stint helping underprivielged children, Paul hopes to become a mainstay in the ‘drop the debt’ campaign with his glamourous girlfriend, end racism and even tidy up after. PAUL: our saviour

Once graduated, Dave plans to slowly work his way through the UK impregnating as many naive underaged girls as he possible can before the NSPCC catches him.

Talmage will be returning to the mean streets of the hood where he intends to pimp some hoes, smoke some of dat serious shit, and bust a cap in as many asses as he can find.

Fulling intending to satiate his lust for the older ‘power woman’ he plans to hunt down an unnamed female NUS President, woo her with his subtle charms, and become her sweet, sweet toy boy.

DAVE: disease free

WILL: (Mc)Fly boy

MATT: bless ‘im

As the year draws to a close the News Team would like to extend their thanks to everyone who made this year worthwhile.

To our monkeys Carrie, Charissa, Dan and Perri - we know you’ll all do an awesome job next year.

To John ‘Enthusiasm’Astle - you were an integral part of the team and we couldn’t have done it with out you.

To Sport, for all the late nights and early trips to Ramones, and for graciously accepting that we are better than you.

To Gary Andrews - you’ve been a brilliant leader and a great friend, despite the odd snap.

World News

June 6 2005

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news@gairrhydd.com

The hostages are alive There are 1,000 US military and private contractors operating in Colombia in the antiinsurgency and anti-narcotics campaign.

By Paul Dicken News Editor LAST MONTH 7,000 photgraphs of two children were dropped over the Andes in an epic attempt to get a message of hope to Ingrid Betancourt.

Ms Betancourt, a former Colombian presidential candidate, has been held hostage for over three years by the rebel group Farc (Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia).

She is believed to be one of 3,000 hostages kidnapped by the militant group.

Her husband flew in a friend’s plane over the area where she is believed to be kept, dropping photographs of their son and daughter.

Earlier this year a senior commander for the rebel group Farc issued a statement saying that many of the hostages under captivity are still alive, but were depressed that their had been no progress to secure their freedom.

Many were also suffering from Leishmaniasis, a skin disease caused by sandflies.

Betancourt is an iconic figure in Europe and across the world.

Her Franco-Colombian nationality and previously prominent political position have made her a symbol of the increasingly violent tactics employed by guerilla movements in Colombia.

The story of Ingrid Betancourt’s career as a politician was described by a French newspaper as ‘like a fairy tale in a land of monsters’. She has been in politics since 1994 and had vowed to fight corruption and the country’s drug barons.

Farc are requesting the release of around 500 imprisoned guerillas in exchange for the high profile hostages, which also include US defence contractors, army officials, and former governors and politicians.

In 2003 a videotape was released in which Ms Betancourt pleaded with the current Colombian president Alvaro Uribe to evaluate a rescue mission.

She said in the tape, in line with Mr Uribe, that she didn’t agree with making concessions to the demands made by the group considered by US and European authorities as a terrorist group.

The coca plant Colombia produces 70% of the world’s coca. The plant, used to manufacture cocaine, is often an economic lifeline to the poor farmers, unable to profit from growing other raw materials.

The USA is currently the biggest consumer of cocaine in the world, where the manufacture and illegal sale of cocaine is a billion dollar industry believed to be controlled by rebel groups.

In an attack on the European consumption of cocaine, and its sympathy towards rebels, Francisco Santos Calderon, vice-president of Colombia, suggests “deliberate obscuring of the link between European drug consumption and human rights violations in Colombia exposes a moral paradox.”

He proposes a direct link between European cocaine habits and the need for strict anti-terror policies.

Ideology and the drug trade

INGRID BETANCOURT: She was last seen on a video released in 2003 The hard line of Mr Uribe’s Colombian government has been helped by $3 billion given by the United States government to tackle Colombia’s illegal drug trade and militant insurgency.

The US backed offensive The package given by the US Congress is up for renewal this year and although large scale operations have been launched there has been little impact on militants, or the growing of the coca plant.

Despite record levels of

crop fumigations in 2004 the amount of land used for growing coca remains unchanged at 114,000 hectares.

The controversial aerial fumigations have led to complaints by locals. The chemicals used are said to destroy legal crops, cause skin rashes and birth defects.

The all-out military offensive launched by Uribe against Farc, the most powerful rebel group in Colombia, has also yielded mixed results.

The BBC’s correspondant in Colombia describes the rebels as “intent on undermining the USbacked security policy of President Alvaro Uribe to try to prevent him from getting re-elect-

MILITANT GROUPS: many are linked to the cocaine industry

World comes to Cardiff CARDIFF’S FOURTH Black Welsh Film Festival will begin on Friday July 22.

The five day event aims to celebrate the cultural vibrancy of Cardiff, especially the Butetown area.

This year’s festival will include a retrospective exhibition of local film makers during the 1980s, as well as the latest new talent making films in Wales.

The launch will include a screening of Amma Asanti’s rcent film A Way of Life, set in Wales.

International cinema from Africa’s largest film fstival Fespaceo will also feature.

Screenings of the festival’s winners, Buud Yam and Bringin in Da Spirit, are also a main attraction.

The festival brings together film, documentary, animation and new media from the UK, Brazil, the Caribbean, Africa and the USA. The festival runs in conjunction with the British Film Institution’s Black World season. A UK-wide celebration of black international cinema that runs from June to November, and includes workshops, debates and events.

More information on Black World can be found at www.bfi.org.uk/blackworld.

For more information on the Black Welsh Film Festival, described as a ‘relaxed, friendly and accessible feast of film; go to www. blackwelshfilm festival.com

2005’s Refugee Week is also a summer affair.

Launching on Sunday June 19, the festival celebrates the ‘enormous economic and cultural contribution that refugees and asylum seekers make to the UK’.

Promoting understanding of why people choose to seek

sanctuary, the theme of this year’s event is persecution.

Public events are planned in towns and cities across the UK, including Cardiff.

Music, dance, and visual art from all over the world, football tournaments, political debates and food fairs all form part of the week’s activities, with schools and other educational institutions getting involved.

The main launch event in London called Celebrating Sanctuary, will involve a refugee arts festival, food, music and crafts.

Similar lauch events will be happening in Cardiff, Glasgow and Birmingham.

For information on events try www.refugeeweek.org.uk or www.refugeecouncil.org.uk.

Cardiff’s famous International Festival will hit the streets again this summer. From theatre through art exhibitions, one of the event’s highlights is the MAS Carnival parade in the Bay organised by South Wales Intercultural Community Arts.

The carnival takes its inspiration from Caribbean, Latin American and African traditions. More info can be found at www.cardifffestival.com.

ed next year.”

On May 25 reports emerged detailing how Farc troops had killed six town councillors and four police officers in the town of Puerto Rico in south Colombia.

The attack was one of the latest in a series of offensives since February and claims by the government to have suppressed rebel activity.

A further blow was dealt the USA’s attempts to combat the Colombian drug trade in April when four US soldiers were charged with drug trafficking after 15kg of cocaine was discovered aboard a military plane.

An agreement of political immunity for US troops means they will not be extradited to Colombia for trial. This has lead to outrage on Colombia as some 200 Colombian nationals have been sent to North America for trial in the last three years.

Corruption is a major problem for the Colombian government and security forces. The policy of extraditing prisoners north is an attempt to secure convictions and deprive drug cartels of their senior leaders.

The case of the four soldiers is not an isolated incident.

Traces of heroin were discovered in a package sent by US firm Dynacorp in 2001.

There are three main militant rebel groups in Colombia.

The Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (Farc) are the oldest and largest. Founded in 1964, they formed to create a Marxist regime in the country.

Their approach has changed under pressure from other rebel organisations, with a growing belief they are involved in the drug trade to fund their campaigns.

Their tactics have also become increasingly violent, with kidnappings increasingly common.

The National Liberation

Army (ELN) also share leftwing values. Formed in the 1960s their inspiration is reported to have come from the Cuban revolution.

Also heavily involved in kidnappings, the ELN try to involve themselves in social work in an attempt to keep to their ideological position, resisting the temptation to become involved in the sale of cocaine.

The United Self Defence Forces of Colombia (AUC) were formed by drug traffickers and landowners in 1997 to combat the activities of the other rebel groups.

Seen as a drug cartel who control large sections of the cocaine industry, they generate their power from links with the army and finance operations from business interests and landowners.

All of the groups are considered terrorist organisations in Europe and the USA, while the UN link them with drug trafficking, extortion and the use of illegal landmines.

Calderon also sees rebels as causing the destruction of Colombia’s rainforest: “Aside from their murdering, kidnapping and other criminal activities, the Farc, the ELN and the AUC have between them laid to waste an estimated 1.8m hectaes of pristine rainforest.”

In an indication of hope for the government’s offensive earlier this year, $300 million of cocaine was seized by Colombian authorities. The 12 tonnes of cocaine were thought to belong to the AUC. Two senior commanders for both Farc and the AUC have also been arrested since March.

Omaira Rojas of Farc was extradited to the US in March, while Diego Murillo was arrested in connection with killing a politician at the end of last month.

COLOMBIAN JUNGLE: damaged by the drug trade

Iraqi troops trained in Brecon

By Dave Menon Reporter IRAQI TROOPS have arrived in Wales to be trained amid doubts surrounding the safety and quality of training in their home nation.

According to a Welsh newspaper, up to 30 soldiers of the Iraqi National Guard touched down in Wales a week ago to take part in a vigorous three-month training course.

A safer atmosphere for the visiting soldiers has been created following a string of recent bomb attacks in Iraq.

The training scheme, operating at the Infantry Battle School in Brecon, is the first of its kind in Britain. Another batch of Iraqi soldiers will arrive in three months’ time.

British officers believe this unprecedented move will increase the knowledge of Iraqi soldiers, who could run similar courses on their own soil for new recruits.

This could lead to the pulling out of British troops, as the new scheme will teach Iraqi soldiers an array of advanced and necessary skills.

Meanwhile, in the latest of the bomb attacks in the country, at least 24 people are feared to be dead while hundreds were injured.

Five were killed by motorcycle bombs in the city of Mosul, and twelve victims died in Tuz Khurmatu.

An attack in Baquba was alleged to kill four civilians, including the deputy head of a local council.

According to speculation, two US consulate vehicles were a possible target but only one was slightly damaged.

Ahmed al-Dawoudi, a Tuz Khurmatu restaurant owner, said: "I heard a big explosion and the restaurant turned into twisted wreckage and rubble".

Over 700 Iraqis and 70 US troops have been killed in the last month, following the introduction of Operation Lightning, an initiative set up to tackle insurgents in Baghdad.

Despite the stepping up of security measures in Iraq, a man was recently arrested for handing out poisonous watermelons to soldiers.

The insurgent posed as a farmer and offered the watermelons as a gift for thirsty troops in Mosul.

Soldiers soon felt ill after eating the watermelons and police were alerted, resulting in the man’s arrest.

Various reports have suggested that a soldier has died from poisoning, although the US Military claimed that all troops affected had been released from hospital.

Interviews

June 6 2005

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Lord of language, liars and lovers Stephen Fry talks about his novels, literary heroes and university experiences, at the Hay-On-Wye Festival

By Bethany Whiteside Debate Editor STEVEN FRY is devilishly sexy, not the swoon-like conclusion I was expecting to take away with me.

It could have been the manly handshake, the hot pink shirt or that ‘something’ that translates as possessing the ‘perfect English gentleman’ gene.

In response to his firmly cemented latter role, Stephen Fry is somewhat perplexed: "I don’t see myself as an English gentleman at all, I can understand why people might, but it is accidental. Technically, racially I am not an English gentleman at all. My mother’s family were Jewish, East Europeans." The attributes the writer, comedian, actor, and director hails as hallmarks of the quintessential English man include courtesy, consideration and tweed jackets.

(He apologised for not wearing one today, hence fulfilling two of the above three.)

The interview takes place at The Guardian Literary Festival at Hay-on-Wye, a small town on the Welsh-English border festooned with 39 bookshops, fairy-tale cottages and intellectual types that actually say ‘yar yar’ to each other.

Quizzing Fry on obtaining writing inspiration, some myths are dispelled: "There is no specific well you can go to, lower a bucket and bring up inspiration.

I regard it as being a bit like a sort of gestation period, it’s a bit

like a pregnancy. You suddenly find yourself with some story to tell that pulls you…That moment when you drop off to sleep and your mind wanders and so you think about whatever it is you’re writing and it slowly just becomes formed in your mind.

"But I think they come from inside oneself… Imagination is putting your mind in the mind of others. Imagining what it is to be someone else. And I think the best works are works of imagination when you sort of, well it’s like acting. You become your character. You write and so you

“[The] almost clichéd moments when you are sitting up until three in the morning with coffee and wine” are inside."

Fry’s debut novel, The Liar, is partly autobiographical: “I was interested in adolescence, how we grow up and become things we used to pretend to be… and if you pretend long enough, if you wear a mask long enough… it becomes infused into your skin and I think it becomes your base, and … that’s how I felt in puberty.

"I think it is very good to write about what you know. All the

most successful books, novels of the last ten years in England, they are all written by people who are writing about what they know, whether it’s White Teeth or Brick Lane. They are in a world they understand and are familiar with."

The writer’s fourth book, The Star’s Tennis Balls, is part love story. Fry’s definition of this most wondrous of emotions is very metaphorical: "It’s a mess, it’s a marvellous thing. It’s like, at best, the difference between wine and water." Fry argues that wine, like love, is not necessary.

You don’t need it to survive, but you don’t need the elements "that actually make it [life] glorious."

Love "makes lovers aristocrats…All lovers become instantly part of the same category as Romeo and Juliet, Heloise and Abelard and Antony and Cleopatra. Lovers are part of the same special kingdom, while they are lovers. While there is a period of intense love, love is on a par with all the greatest poets and lovers who ever existed and that’s very beautiful." Fry likens someone in love to an alcoholic.

Both are obsessed and consumed, leading to the conclusion that "liking is a much better version." Safer too, one would suspect.

Recounting his own student days, Fry reveals some unexpected pity for us: "We were very lucky, we didn’t have to work so hard…When I was at Cambridge no-one ever talked about getting a job, [it] wasn’t really a matter

of interest. You just assumed you’d do something…There were a few odd people who would, in their last year, go up to London for interviews for jobs…

And that was considered really peculiar, why would you want to do that?"

Favourite memories of his time spent at university include friendships made. "I think it’s those very classic, almost clichéd moments when you are sitting up until two, three in the morning with coffee and wine, and talking about everything and nothing…you learn an incredible amount from other students, it’s like an oasis of knowledge." Fry was a member of the Cherubs drinking club, calling it "a peculiar sort of Oxbridgey thing…a pathetic attempt by students to pretend they are grown up."

Unsurprisingly, Fry has an exciting project planned as he is set to appear as Sherlock Holmes later this year: "Some people think I am rather cold and analytical sometimes, so I suppose I have that. I don’t have the ferocious amount of concentration [although] I aspire to it."

Arthur Conan Doyle is one of Fry’s heroes, another being the enigmatic Oscar Wilde, described by Fry as “lord of language.”

Concerning the famous detective, Fry enthuses, "He is the Victorian Hero because he embodies Victorian notions of taxominy and order and reason in a world of blinding, terrifying enmity."

Concerning Holmes’ dabbling

in cocaine, Fry says he "shan’t be doing that. I’ve had my youth in the eighties and I don’t think I’ll be repeating any of that."

As 6’5 of pure man shakes my hand (again), saying "it was delightful meeting you", I feel a little light-headed.

This is no doubt partly due to the second revelation; that aside from his handsome manners and looks that evoke the English rose role on my side, Stephen Fry really is in part, one of us.

MAIN: Stephen Fry, soon to be Sherlock Holmes INSET: Picturesque Hay-On-Wye

Outside looking in: an inmate’s perspective After five years, Erwin James’s massively popular column ‘A Life Inside’ draws to a close

By Andrew Mickel Politics Editor AS AN interviewing prospect, Erwin James terrified me. I’m so middle class that if you flipped me over you’d probably find ‘Marks & Spencer’ stamped on my backside; Erwin James was given a life sentence and has spent about 20 years of his life in prison.

Of course, the point of Erwin James’s writing has been to give people from the outside a new view on life inside, and the column has gone some way to giving prisoners a voice in the prison debate.

For five years, The Guardian’s ‘A Life Inside’ column gained a near-cult following, seeing prison life through James’s eyes.

"I just chronicled my observations really, my feelings. I didn’t set out to write about me, or my life in prison. It was to try to open a window into an odd way of life that I was experiencing."

But whilst it was the brutal honesty of the column that really caught people’s attention, it was the care with which everyone’s story is told that captured people’s imagination.

Stories like that of Ricky Vance, a man convicted of rape who was beaten in prison, but always protested his innocence.

He was eventually freed after he was proven right, but it’s the sort of true story that can come as a shock when the view of prison most of us have is driven by stories of dropped soap and Bad Girls (incidentally, labelled "good fun" by James.)

Now he has a second book coming out, a collection of his columns from the past two years.

"It’s called The Home Stretch: From Prison to Parole, and that’s basically what it does. It covers my time from being in secure, closed prison conditions and transfer to open prison, and beginning to go back into the outside world again."

The change from the first book to the second is immense.

Whilst in prison, James’s stories addressed every aspect of prison life bar one: himself.

Now out of prison he doesn’t have that safety net anymore, but his columns have come to be fascinating for the sheer enthusiasm and fresh perspective that encompasses everything he does. "Where I’d try to talk about life around me I’d talked about it as an observer. I have been forced really to explore my situation from a personal perspective, simply because there’s a physical difference between a closed community where I knew everybody

and what was going on."

When talking about his life after prison, it’s perhaps not the things that readers may expect to have changed over the past 20 years that have done so. "People looked very much the same.

There’s new technology. Now people are quite happy to discuss personal conversations openly.

That’s fantastic seeing people walking down the street using hands-free sets." When someone manages to make hands-free kits sound not just new and exciting but somehow good for the individual, you know you’re on to a good thing.

James is very softly spoken, more interested in discussing views on the media’s perception of prison than trying to push his book. It’s incredible to try to equate the man I’m talking to with the man who served a life sentence. "There’s obviously

something that’s had to develop and grow in me to become someone with values which I’d never had - someone with morals."

The stark difference is obviously not wasted on him. "I found some photos of me as a kid. I didn’t look like a bad kid, actually; a bit cheeky, a bit naughty, but I was a happy kid. Certain things happened to me as a kid but by young adulthood I was not a particularly nice person."

The more introspective style underscores the new content of the second book. James’s past is never really referred to directly; but the shadow of what went on before he went to prison evidently hangs heavily over what he does now.

A book about release from prison obviously has its happier moments, though. "The actual walking out the gate was just

the most incredible experience.

I can barely describe to you how that felt, walking out the gate for the last time."

Even nine months later, James is still emotional about it. "I thought it would be quite difficult, to be honest with you.

The first couple of weeks were euphoric, it was a wonderful feeling. But gradually the reality [sank in], that this was now permanent."

It’s his unique perspective and personal spin on events that makes his voice so valuable to the prisons debate, but also on broader topics. "I’m amazed by how free you are. When you’re in prison you hear about how it’s like a police state. When politicians talk about ID cards, border control, and all this type of thing; in prison, these things sound exaggerated, and it sounds a bit like a police state."

Amidst the debates on civil rights abuses, terror laws and ID cards, the different view certainly helps to put things into perspective.

"Once I came out I realised that you’ve got a fantastically free country. The fact is that after 20 years [in prison] I’m allowed to wander basically at will.

Freedom is very much a relative thing."

Even though the move to the outside world has shifted the focus onto Erwin, the echoes of

prison life still sometimes burst through. A recent column recounted bumping into Ricky Vance in a train station. "And the first thing he said to me was, ‘I’m cleared,’ and can you imagine how important that was to him, after the beatings he took in jail?"

The same care for other people that always threaded through the column is clear in James’s voice. It’s the same attention to stories that most of us will never experience that make his books

Erwin Inside: A T imeline ! 1985: Erwin James (a pseudonym) begins a life sentence

! 2000: Begins a column for The Guardian called ‘A Life Inside’

! April 2003: Publishes a composite of his articles in paperback, also called A Life Inside

James’ columns give an insightful and honest look into the lives of inmates without glorifying wrongdoing or excusing the actions of those he describes.

so readable. "God, that was a blast from the past. They’re pretty extreme experiences, really."

The column, however, has run its course. Five years of prison drama is drawing to a close. "If I’m honest, my last column will probably be around about—and I’m giving you an exclusive here—the anniversary of my release, I imagine, in August."

He says he’s going to keep on writing; but The Guardian is going to be a much poorer place for losing his column.

! August 2004: Paroled from prison. Continues his column in The Guardian as ‘A Life Outside’

! April 2005: Publishes Home Stretch: From Prison to Parole in paperback

! August 2005: Will finish his column on the anniversary of his release

Taf-Od

Tudalen 8

6 Mehefin 2005

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Edrych Nol ar 04-05 Mae Owain Jones, Llywydd y Gymdeithas Gymraeg am 2004 - 2005, yn edrych nol ar helynt, hwyl a sbri’r flwyddyn a fu.

Cafwyd nosweithiau carioci a gwisg ffansi hefyd – pwy feddyliai y byddech yn gweld Dalmatians, y Titanic, Batman a Robin, a’r Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles gyda’i gilydd yn yr un ystafell? Cynhaliwyd y ddawns Nadolig eleni yng Ngwesty’r Marriott, gyda 200 o fyfyrwyr yno. Cafwyd noson hwyliog iawn, er i rai o staff y gwesty orfod esbonio wrth Pyrsi mai yn ei geg oedd y bwyd i fynd, ac nid i’w daflu at bobl eraill.

Ar ôl y Nadolig, cafwyd trip i Baris i weld Cymru’n curo Ffrainc ar eu ffordd i ennill y gamp lawn. Roedd yn benwyth-

Digon yw dweud iddynt gael camddealltwriaeth ieithyddol gyda heddwas!

Y Gym Gym: Cariad, rygbi a cwrw

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ae blwyddyn arall o fywyd coleg yn dirwyn i ben – blwyddyn brysur a llwyddiannus i fyfyrwyr y Gym Gym. Eleni, cafwyd y nifer mwyaf o aelodau erioed, gyda bron i 200 o fyfyrwyr o Gymru a thramor yn ymuno –

a’r rhan fwyaf ohonynt yn fodlon talu!

Dechreuodd y flwyddyn yn y modd traddodiadol gyda’r Noson Tad a Mab. Cyfle gwych i fyfyrwyr y flwyddyn gyntaf ddod i adnabod pobl newydd drwy awyrgylch teuluol y Gym Gym.

Diolch yn fawr i’r tadau, teidiau a chyndeidiau am fod mor awyddus i gyflwyno a chroesawu eu plant i fywyd coleg yng Nghaerdydd. Llongyfarchiadau i bawb a lwyddodd i gyrraedd diwedd y daith yng Nghlwb Ifor Bach yn fyw – os nad yn iach.

Cafwyd taith wedyn i Abertawe i weld gig Tyrfe Tawe.

Cafwyd diwrnod llwyddiannus iawn, ond mae’n rhaid fod gwynt y mor wedi mynd i bennau 3 aelod swnllyd a ddylai wybod yn well - yn anffodus, ni fedrwn eu henwi am resymau cyfreithiol.

Digon yw dweud iddynt gael camddealltwriaeth ieithyddol gyda heddwas!

Aberystwyth oedd yn galw nesaf ar gyfer y ddawns a chwaraeon rhyngolegol. Yn anffodus, dim ond pêl droed gafodd ei chwarae yn dilyn anallu

capten anhrefnus y tîm rygbi i ddod o hyd i’w chwaraewyr!

Cafwyd gem gyfartal yn erbyn Aberystwyth yn dilyn gol fler i’w rwyd ei hun gan Huw Savage. I ddangos ei siom, penderfynodd chwydu’n bwerus wrth ymyl y cae.

nos cofiadwy gyda myfyrwyr y Gym Gym yn ymweld ag atyniadau mwyaf enwog ac adnabyddus y ddinas megis O’Sullivans, O’Neils a’r Moulin Rouge.

Yn ol i Aberystwyth yr aethom y penwythnos canlynol i’r Eisteddfod Ryngolegol.

Cafwyd wythnosau o ymarfer called, ac ymdrech wych gan lawer o’r Gym Gym – llongyfarchiadau arbennig i Rhys Iorwerth am ennill y Gadair ac i Ceri Morris am ennill y fedal ddrama. Roeddem yn anlwcus i orffen yn ail, drwch blewyn tu ôl i Aberystwyth – gyda’r Côr Meibion yn enwedig yn cael cam. Cafwyd teithiau ar hyd Canton a City Road hefyd i gadw’r aelodau’n brysur tan ddiwedd y tymor.

Mae Cyfarfod Blynyddol y Gym Gym yn cael ei gynnal Dydd Mawrth Mehefin 14 am 4.30 ar lawr uchaf yr Undeb.

Byddwn yn ethol Llywydd a Swyddogion newydd ar gyfer flwyddyn nesa, ac mae gan bob aelod yr hawl i bleidleisio.

Gobeithio fod pawb wedi mwynhau’r digwyddiadau eleni, a diolch i’r pwyllgor a’r swyddogion am eu holl waith. Gobeithio y bydd y Gym Gym yn parhau i fynd o nerth i nerth yn y dyfodol.

Darganfod Gwir Cymry

Beth yw hi i fod yn Gymraeg yn 2005? Mae Taf-Od yn edrych ar cenedleutholdeb ac yn edrych ar bywyd Cymro o dros y ffin.

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ae’n anodd credu bod hi’n gyfrol olaf arnom yn barod. Mae Taf-Od wedi ymgeisio ateb rhai o’r cwestiynau mawr am ein diwylliant a’n hagweddau tuag at ein hunain ac eraill ond efallai nid ydym eto wedi gofyn y cwestiwn mwyaf, beth sy’n gwneud rhywun yn Gymraeg.

Beth felly, sy’n gwneud rhywun yn Gymraeg neu beidio?

Yn ddaearyddol, mae rhywun sydd wedi eu geni o fewn ffiniau’r wlad yn Gymro neu’n Gymraes.

Gallwn ychwanegu’r rhai sydd a rhieni Cymraeg i hyn i gael ateb syml i’r cwestiwn.

Ond, i raddau osgoi’r cwestiwn mae’r ateb yn hytrach na bwrw’r gwraidd. Gall unrhywun sydd wedi byw yma am bum mlynedd neu sydd a nain neu daid Cymraeg cyfri ei hun yn Gymro neu’n Gymraes o’r ran cystadlu dros eu gwlad mabwysiedig.

Er bod yna ffactorau daearyddol nid ydynt ar ben eu hun yn ateb ddigonol, felly mae’n rhaid edrych ar ffactorau eraill.

Mae Cymru’n unigryw o fewn ynysoedd Prydain oherwydd ein bod gyda ni’r iaith Gymraeg. Felly, a yw unrhywun sy’n siarad Cymraeg yn Gymry?

Na. Mae Cymraeg yn cael ei siarad ym Mhatagonia, ond Arianwyr yw’r boblogaeth yno nid Cymry. Yn yr un modd, nid yw pawb yng Nghymru yn gallu siarad Cymraeg. Nol ar

ddechrau’r ganrif ddiwethaf roedd yna ymdrech mawr i ladd yr iaith Gymraeg mewn ysgolion ledled Cymru megis trwy ddefnyddio’r ‘Welsh Knot’.

Mae rhai Cymry Cymraeg, sydd yn fy marn i yn snobyddlyd, o’r safbwynt taw’r gwir Cymry yw’r Cymry sy’n gallu siarad Cymraeg. Yn bersonol, credaf fod hyn yn hollol annheg.

Mi gafodd fy nhad ei ein yma yng Nghaerdydd a bwy am lawer o’i fywyd yn y ddinas.

Nid oedd yn gallu siarad Cymraeg nes iddo gwrdd a phriodi fy mam. A drodd fy nhad yn Gymro’n sydyn pam ddysgodd Cymraeg? Na Cymro oedd ers y dechrau.

Mae hyn yn gadael ni gyda diwylliant. Anodd yw hi erbyn hyn i ddiffinio diwylliant Cymru mewn un modd arbennig wrth i ffasiwn, tueddiadau a’r steil y cyfryngau newid. Yn y gorffennol roedd pawb yn mynd i’r capel ac yn cystadlu yn yr eisteddfodau lleol. Roedd synnwyr mawr o gymdeithas agos, gellir gweld hyn yn dal mewn rhai cymunedau ar draws Cymru megis y cymuned ar droed mynyddoedd y Preseli.

Heddiw mae’r mwyafrif o fyfyrwyr Cymraeg yn cael eu hadnabod fel yfwyr mwyaf y prifysgol. Gwlad y peint yw Cymru bellach nid gwlad y gân.

Mae arddangos i’r rhai sydd yn gweld ni myfyrwyr Cymraeg ein bod ni yn grwp sydd yn meddwi yn fwy na unrhyw grwp arall.

Anodd yw hi i weld unrhyw

gwahaniaeth rhwng y Cymry a’r Saeson. Mae’r ddau genedl yn hoff o gefnogi mentrau chwaraeon boed hynny yn bêl droed, rygbi neu’n chwaraeon llai poblogaidd. Gwelir llu o bobl yn eu hugeiniau wedi’u meddwi dros strydoedd Abertawe, Caerdydd, Llundain, Lerpwl a Manceinion bob nos Wener a Sadwrn.

Gofynnwch i rhywun ar y stryd beth sy’n gwneud y Cymry yn unigryw a tro ar ôl tro yr iaith Gymraeg yw’r ateb a roddwyd.

Rydym eisoes wedi profi bod yr iaith Gymraeg nid yn unig rhoi 80% o boblogaeth Cymru tu allan i’r diffiniad ond hefyd yn cynnwys pobl tramor sy’n siarad Cymraeg.

Beth felly yw’r diffiniad o Gymro neu Gymraes? Mae’n rhai ei fod yn gyfuniad o daearyddiaeth, iaith a diwylliant.

Mae llawer ohonom yn hoff o ddadlau nad ydynt yn Brydeinig eto heb ein iaith ac eisteddfodau nid oes gwahaniaeth rhwng y Cymry a gweddill poblogaeth Prydain. Mae ein cerddoriaeth mewn steil digon tebyg i gerddoriaeth gweddill Prydain, rydym yn gwisgo’r un peth, ac yn y bôn yn ymddwyn yr un peth.

Mae’n bryd i ni edrych at sut rydym yn byw yng Nghymru yn 2005 a penderfynu a ydynt wedi gadael i’r hyn a oedd yn ein gwneud yng Nghymry wedi pasio byth i’w ddarganfod eto.

Pont Hafren: Porth i mewn i Gymru Gan Gary Andrews Prif Olygydd gair rhydd

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an dwi adref dwi’n cael fy ngalw’n ‘Welsh Boy’, ond yn cael fy ystyried yn Sais yng Nghaerdydd achos bod gen i acen weddol niwtral. Er ’mod i’n dipyn o fwngrel o ran cenedligrwydd ac wedi fy magu yr ochr arall i’r ffin, dwi’n ystyried fy hun yn Gymro.

Mae gan fy nheulu gysylltiad Cymreig cryf – er bod fy rhieni o dras Cymreig, doedden nhw ddim yn byw yng Nghymru pan ges i fy ngeni. Er mai Dyfnaint

oedd fy nghartref, dwi wedi arddel rhyw ymdeimlad o Gymreictod erioed, a gyda Gareth a Llewellyn yn enwau cyntaf ro’n i’n unigryw iawn ymysg fy nghyfoedion. Dim ond ar ôl ambell i wers hanes y sylweddolais i bod Llywelyn yn enw ar nifer o dywysogion Cymru.

Iawn, galla i ddim siarad yr iaith. A dweud y gwir, galla i ddim cofio sawl gwaith dwi wedi taflu fy llyfr dysgu Cymraeg i’r naill ochr mewn rhwystredigaeth oherwydd fy anallu i ddeall ymadroddion a rheolau symlaf y Gymraeg – dwi

ddim yn ieithydd, mae hynny’n sicr. Ond dwi’n adnabod rhai sy’n medru cymaint o Gymraeg â fi, sydd â mwy o hawl i alw eu hunain yn Gymry. Ar y llaw arall, dwi wedi cwrdd â phobl sydd wedi eu geni a’u magu yng Nghymru ac yn rhugl yn yr iaith, ond yn ystyried eu hunain yn Saeson neu’n perthyn i genedl arall.

Dyw diffinio’ch hun yn Gymro neu’n Gymraes – neu’n aelod o unrhyw genedl – ddim yn hawdd yn yr oes sydd ohoni.

Mae pobl yn tueddu i symud o un fan i’r llall mwyfwy, gyda gwahanol ddiwylliannau a

gwledydd wedi cymysgu i’r fath raddau nes ei bod bellach yn anodd cwrdd â myfyriwr sy’n gallu honni eu bod yn perthyn cant y cant i hil arbennig.

Dylid dathlu’r amrywiaeth yma, ond ni ddylai hynny olygu na ddylech chi fod yn falch o’ch tras na’ch diwylliant. Wedi’r cyfan, mae’n rhan allweddol o’ch hunaniaeth, a dwi’n falch o’r etifeddiaeth, diwylliant a’r hanes sy’n perthyn i Gymru.

Ond yn bennaf oll, er gwaetha’r ffaith mod i’n fwngrel o ran cenedligrwydd, dwi’n falch bod rhan ohona i’n Gymreig – y rhan orau.

Media

June 6 2005

Page 9

media@gairrhydd.com

God help us: BB is back Heather Casey argues that Big Brother isn’t that bad and can be positive TV

Big Brother is an excuse to make cheap easy television. Laura Wootten rails against the reality show

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I

ithout suggesting Reality TV is a model of your average Briton’s lifestyle, it can be commented that some positive thinking arises from the ‘reality’ genre of TV. Often stigmatised as ‘Trash TV’, the most relevant discussion revolves around Big Brother. After hitting our screens last Friday, many have argued that the sixth series is nothing but a construction of drama queens and naked displays.

Admittedly, the ‘created’ situations in the Big Brother house don’t reflect real life, and are going to attract some performers. However, could there be any possibility they give your average TV viewer some insight, although mediated, into how others live?

Much speculation has arisen as to why transsexual Nadia, and Cameron, the celibate housemate from the outreaches of Scotland won the last two series. Many suggested that it was ‘pity voting’ from the viewers. Perhaps this is the case, but is it really such a ridiculous suggestion that we actually accepted something different to what we are told by society is ‘normal’?

Watching this series, we are just as curious about how white witches and belly dancers can get along with each other. In the early days when Big Brother was described as a social experiment, millions wanted to see the reactions when Tom became ‘excited’ when

Scary Mary: The Witch

massaging Mel, or tuned in to see Vanessa Feltz’s near emotional breakdown on celebrity BB. So interested in fact that stories of strip poker and the first sexual encounter on ‘live’ television hit the national headlines.

The angle which best credits Reality TV is the view that we are ‘empowered’ by becoming interactive with television and by seeing what could be your next door neighbour on screen.

One academic’s work on new media genres, Jon Dovey, has suggested "Reality TV does alert us to its roots in the history of what is known as social action broadcasting".

Discussed on a BBC website, this type of programming "plays an important role in providing information and analysis about issues affecting local audiences".

Demonstrated by helplines promoted at the end of Hollyoaks, This Morning offering factsheets or Richard and Judy’s book club, TV has recognised its power to make a difference.

In relation to Big Brother, forums and chatrooms have created an ‘online community’ of over 90,000 registered members, showing the growing popularity of interaction with television.

It seems that any encouragement to communicate in a community, virtual or not, is a positive step. If people choose to access the web to comment on leisure interests such as television programmes, hopefully they learn the skills to access other sources of information in doing so.

Interaction with other forms of broadcasting can be seen by BBC Radio 1’s Sunday Surgery, which brings longevity to the original social action programming with its online advice page.

Big Brother’s nationwide selection processes, and indeed the show’s inclusion of contestants born outside the UK, goes some way to show a cross-section of the audience.

When television places ‘ordinary’ people at the centre

of its programmes, a reflection of their social needs and worries are foregrounded.

It is not particularly nice to watch people sobbing or arguing to the point of turning red in the face, but it questions how people behave and helps us draw judgement and evaluation of our own lives.

Examples of this can be found in reality shows based around children’s behaviour, such as Super Nanny or Little Angels. Without suggesting that people didn’t know how to discipline their children before television, it can be questioned how many children are now being given the ‘naughty step’ treatment or ‘time out’ scenario rather than

being smacked or shouted at by their wound up parents.

As for Celebrity Love Island, producer Ntalka Znak defended the show by saying: "We haven’t had tits, arse and shagging so far but were never going to". This shows the advantage of real people on television. Celebrities are there to promote their ‘personas’, not to make idiots of themselves, and probably have insisted editing doesn’t do so.

If it is real lives that gets viewers, then give them it. As long as Reality TV sees more and more audience input, and investigates how people’s private lives work, the format will stay popular. Here’s to a global Big Brother, then we can really see how socially diverse we are.

magine how many hours of TV are lost to Big Brother during the summer.

Even without Sky, digital or Freeview, at least an hour of every single day of terrestrial television is dedicated to the wonder of the Endemol produced success.

Thanks to the wonders of television scheduling, if BB doesn’t gratify your viewing needs, you can safely be watching Celebrity Love Island, The Farm, or any number of higly narrativised documentaries, which let you choose the winner.

Big Brother is now a staple part of the British summer that it has almost become a social event. As soon as the theme music begins, people start believing the sun should be out and comparing the weather to the same time last year.

But while it has definitely become an institution, people still seem to see it as a great social experiment.

Perhaps it was semi-revolutionary when it came onto our screens initially, but that was five whole years ago. Television doesn’t usually hang around that long.

The crux of the problem, or

perhaps the popularity, is the concerned with pseudo-psychiatry and ‘documentary’ techniques that the programme makers offer as an excuse to make cheap easy viewing.

Think of how much Channel 4 have saved with being able to bang out the same global format for at least an hour every night at prime time for ten weeks.

With large advertising revenues and viewers actually contributing to the funds by calling premium rate phone lines; it’s certainly a lot cheaper than an hour of documentaries or new drama every night.

One of the producers of five’s flop The Fa r m

compared the programme to making a documentary about farm life.

According to him, the British public wouldn’t have complained half so much if they’d seen a farmer obtaining sperm from a pig as they did when they saw Rebecca Loos, a woman known solely for sex, doing the same.

Well, of course they wouldn’t! Do they honestly think that we are really so stupid as to watch Reality TV in a hope that it will educate us?

Why not just be honest and admit that you wanted to make a cheap, sensationalist programme with the aim of nothing more than high ratings, and were well aware that a bit of tabloid

titillation wouldn’t go amiss?

Surely we as a nation are bright enough to see that contestants are picked for the sole purpose of causing excitement or controversy.

Bisexual, loud-mouthed, hold unconventional beliefs, tendency to call yourself a ‘bit crazy’ or ‘a right laugh’ and preferably an ethnic minority? Step right this way, please.

We can cope with news, sports, drama and documentaries but when it comes to Reality TV the viewing public seem to be lured into thinking that they are watching something radical or, perhaps worse, a genuine cross-section of society.

The fact is, we’re watching thirteen people sit in a room or ten supposed celebrities sitting on a beach. And it’s not as if these people are completely innocent to the ways of Reality TV like contestants once were.

Chances are, anyone who is going on something like Big Brother knows exactly what they’re doing and how to play the game.

Many are also desperate to be famous. If you want to learn about society, social interaction and the psychology of flirting then leave your house!

Why can’t we and the programme makers just admit that

Fact is: we’re watching 15 people sat in a room we like watching trash and they like buying a ready made television format which keeps lots of people employed?

Actually it’s the people who are employed by things like Big Brother that I feel sorry for. It’s bad enough watching it all day just in case something happens.

But can you imagine watching it just in case something happens then editing together the points at which something has happened (or worse trying to concoct a half-hour programme out of nothing) in less than

Derek: The father figure twenty-four hours?

Watching a mindless conversation and working out when to run train or bird noises in case Contestant A begins a twentyminute tirade on how good a certain branded product is does not sound like fun.

Recently, it seems the general public is beginning to wise up to programme makers thinking they’re a bit dumb. This year can be seen as make or break for BB as it’s the last year that they have a contract for.

The viewing figures for the launch of this year’s competition (the sixth) were down by a million on last year’s.

Meanwhile, the finale of The Farm attracted almost half of the number of viewers it did last year. Finally, viewers are fleeing ITV’s Celebrity Love Island and leaving it with around two million.

Statistics aside, isn’t it getting a bit hard to muster up the same kind of enthusiasm for Big Brother year after year?

Surely knowing that all we’ll be left with in a few months’ time are spreads in OK! and Heat of the contestants scraping together a single or work-out video is getting a little dull?

There is no doubt that Big Brother was exciting and fresh when it started, but please let’s stop buying the hype that it’s still the next big thing.

The sooner we all accept that we watch Reality TV purely for entertainment value the happier we’ll all be.

BBC’s Matt Barbet talks to Media

Deputy Media editor Heather Casey finds out some tips for working in broadcast journalism in an exclusive interview with BBC London’s news reporter and Cardiff University graduate Matt Barbet

A

s the prospect of graduation becomes a realisation for many Cardiff University students this summer, the dreaded question ‘What are you going to do after you graduate?’ rears its ugly head.

Indeed, finding 10.8 per-cent of Media graduates were believed to be unemployed in a 2001 online survey at is not encouraging.

Although not an outrageous figure, questions arise when over 15 per-cent are classed as retail assistants, catering, bar or waiting staff and 21.7 per-cent (the highest percentage of the group) are in secretarial occupations.

With these statistics in mind, we tracked down BBC London reporter and Cardiff University graduate Matt Barbet.

With a sense of humour about his brief stay in University Hall - which he describes as "resembling a makeshift wartime hospital with about 30 others" - Matt graduated in 1997 with a BA (Hons) in Language and Communication.

He returned to the Welsh capital a year later to study for a Postgraduate Diploma in Broadcast Journalism. He says: "I already knew Cardiff was a fantastic city, and the course was one of, if not the best, in the country".

Matt moved on to a career many would envy. Starting out in ITN’s radio department, Matt is now working for BBC London after a time as a popular member of Radio 1’s Newsbeat team.

On his first career move to ITN, his first ‘proper’ journalism experience after leaving Cardiff, he says: "Doorstepping Michael Portillo with an ITV crew sticks in my mind,

Matt Barbet: BBC London’s News reporter and also racing down to the MI6 building when someone fired some sort of missile at it".

Moving to Newsbeat, it appears Matt found his feet.

"This is when things got more interesting, not least because a lot of people listen!"

"My personal highlight was a foreign send to cover England’s famous World Cup qualifying victory over Germany. I was stood with other media in Munich’s Olympic Stadium in between the crowd and the pitch – the closest I could get without

“I honestly believe the BBC is the pinnacle of broadcast journalism” actually invading play. At 1-0 down, I thought here we go again. Five goals later, I knew I’d witnessed one of the greatest games ever and would be reporting on it."

Recalling one of the most significant moments for world history and a marker of global

media, Matt comments on a more serious side of the job: "Having been at a filmscreening, I wandered into the newsroom on the afternoon of September 11th to absolute mayhem. It was all hands to the deck, but ultimately, that day’s unforgettable for the same reasons it is for everyone else."

In his current occupation at BBC London, a recent highlight has been reporting this year’s Oscars: “The atmosphere in LA during the build-up was incredible. Not because I met anyone hugely famous – I’ve met more Hollywood stars in London. [But] interviewing Al Pacino live is a massive highlight".

Keeping on a down to earth footing, Matt still claims that "As a presenter, I still get a thrill when I hear the continuity announcer say my name."

So, what is your ideal job within broadcast journalism?

"It’s no cop-out to say the current one. It pays the wages, after all. People vastly more experienced than me will tell you that as there is no clear career path in broadcast journalism, so it’s difficult to know exactly what your next job will be.

"That said, I honestly believe the BBC is the pinnacle of broadcast journalism, and for me, the top job is presenting the 10 O’Clock News.

Unfortunately, there’s already another ex-Cardiff student doing it!"

What do you think has helped you get where you are today?

"To do what I’m doing now has involved lots of hard work and a little bit of luck. It’s also meant keeping my eyes open for opportunities, and not being afraid to approach people with a realistic idea of what I can do."

What’s your best piece of advice, aside from sheer persistence, for the thousands of eager journalists that pass through Cardiff ’s doors?

"It has to be to get any experience you can. Anyone can say they want to work ‘in the media’ – which sounds rubbish to anyone in the media. Unless you’ve written something or worked somewhere, you’ve got nothing that backs up your words.

"While sheer persistence is a must, it should be focused in the right place.

"There’s always the exception that proves the rule, but getting work experience on the big news outlets is very tough, bordering on impossible.

“Concentrate on the local free-papers or independent radio stations. No-one I know working as a journalist hasn’t paid their dues in these kinds of places, before working their way up the ladder. Getting up at 4am on a Saturday morning to work at Red Dragon FM wasn’t a barrel of laughs, but it worked!"

Talking of free-papers, what areas of student media did you get involved in at Cardiff?

"I got into record reviewing on gair rhydd for the free CDs and was then hooked on getting

my name in a by-line.

"I also ended up co-hosting a show with my best mate on the inaugural broadcast of X-Press FM [now Xpress Radio] too, and that’s when I got hooked on the buzz of broadcasting. We thought everyone was listening.

They weren’t."

What is your opinion on the jump between student media and industry standard? Were you well equipped or slightly misled?

"Writing for gair rhydd and broadcasting on X-Press was a step in the right direction - but for me, nothing more.

“It did help start the ball rolling as far as eventually getting a career in the media, and certainly helped me get onto a great course where I properly learnt the ropes. That in turn led to a proper job.

“On the other hand – and I’m certainly not talking about myself here - talent shines through anywhere. There were some great writers on the paper when I worked on it, and it’s been no surprise when I’ve got to the end of something I’ve paid to read that it’s been written by them."

Matt also clears up another

myth of broadcast journalism being glamorous. "Sweating on Wimbledon’s Henman Hill with a camera in your face is a nightmare, and for every Alister you may talk to, there are a hundred surveys to wade through. As the highlights above show, I like it all if there’s a good story there that’s worth telling."

Aiming to retire on "a huge pension and homes on three continents", he adds "I’m not sitting at the top of the tree, smoking a big fat cigar! I think I’ve got a long way to go."

Jobs and Money

Page 10

June 7 2004

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Degree value fallen to £150,000

By Tom Scobie Jobs and Money editor

T

he monetary value of a university degree has fallen considerably in the last ten years, as increasing numbers of graduates are entering the job market, research has illustrated.

A study undertaken by academics at Swansea University highlights that graduates can now expect to earn £150,000 extra over the course of their lives than those who did not go into higher education.

This however is in the opposite direction of the £400,000 extra ministers claimed university students would earn during the debate last year on university top-up fees (which are to be

introduced in September 2006).

The study also found a gender difference in lifetime salaries between female graduates, on average earning £158,000 more than non-grad’s during their careers and university-educated males, who on average earn £142,000 more than non-graduates.

Graduates can now expect to earn £150,000 extra over the course of their lives than those who did not go into higher education.

Discrepancies were also found between different subject areas. Male art graduates came out at the bottom end of the study, accumulating less in their careers than those who started work not having a degree.

The subjects coming out on top were mathematics and computing. Graduates in these areas fared best, earning on average about £225,000 more than nongraduates. The study also found that the university and the class of degree had a significant impact on earnings.

Hannah Essex, Vice-President of the NUS, was not surprised by the findings and said: "The government used the £400,000 figure to convince people that students should pay the fees because their future earnings meant they would be able to afford it," "We always suspected that the figure was inaccurate. This illustrates that for many graduates a degree is not about earning more money, it's about getting the correct skills to do jobs that benefit

society”.

The NUS feel the government are emphasising degrees in a purely financial manner. The personal and cultural aspects of a degree have not been taken into account.

Ms Essex added “As such it is crucial that society pays for people, especially those from nontypical backgrounds, to have the chance to fulfil their potential by continuing their studies."

There has been a leap in the number of graduates in the labour market.

Although demand for their skills has also risen, supply has generally outstripped demand.

Advice clearly states a degree is still financially worthwhile.

Although the financial return has decreased for a degree, the benefits are substantial and tan-

gible, especially if the right subject and university are chosen.

A spokesperson for the Department for Education and Skills claimed the research was "interesting reading", but comparisons with the government’s £400,000 figure were misleading because of differences in the method in which the two sets of data were collected.

Current national policies look set to reduce the financial value of a degree as student debts rise, the number of graduates increase and the standards of academia falls. For this trend to be reversed Labour must attract a larger sustained source of high-skilled jobs which are well paid. Also students should be made aware of the actual figure in expected earnings per degree.

News in Brief Milk ‘em for all they’ve got!

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Swydd/Job:

Work and Travel USA

USA At least minimum wage and + depending on positions TBC Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: June 1st – September/October Manylion/Details: IST Plus Work and Travel USA programme offers the opportunity to finance your summer holiday travels while experiencing true American culture in the way no tourist ever can!

Essential requirements: Full time university student returning to full time education in the autumn.

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USA Camp Councellor & Support Staff USA Ardal/Area: Dependent on age and experiTal/Wage: ence Flexible Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Leaving between May 19th and June 30th Manylion/Details: Duties: Camp Counsellor: Instructor of an activity (sports, arts, life-guarding) and responsible for a group of children ranging from age 6 - 16.

Support Staff: Kitchen, maintenance, office based work.

Essential requirements: Over 18, enthusiasm, patience, fun, love of children, confidence, flexibility.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 122 Swydd/Job:

Swydd/Job:

Hospitality Staff

Cardiff/Newport £5 p/hr 8 hrs per day for 4 days Thursday 2nd June – Sunday 5th June Manylion/Details: 70 X Hospitality staff (Food and Beverage Assistants) required for the Wales Golf Open at the Celtic Manor.

Essential requirements: Friendly hard working and available for the 4 days. Excellent presentation, good customer service and previous experience an advantage but not essential.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 125 Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration:

Swydd/Job:

Freewheel Host

Austria/Switzerland £170 p/wk Flexible, Daytime Start-end of June/early June 4-8 weeks Manylion/Details: Hosts are required to provide information and support to guests, to meet them at airports and stations, transfer luggage and liase with hotels. You should have a mature outlook, speak proficient German or French, possess a full driving licence, have a pleasant personality and knowledge of bicycle maintenance.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 124 Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration:

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for ongoing part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students). We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Top up Fees take their toll THE INTRODUCTION OF tuition fees has caused university applications to rise by 9% this year as applicants scramble to secure a place under the current financial system.

UCAS have said that an extra 31,453 people are seeking places on degree courses this October, bringing the total to 384,624 from 353,171 last year.

Tuition fees will rise to £3,000 a year in 2006 from £1,150.

Popular universities, already overwhelmed by well-qualified applicants, are certain to respond by raising their expected A-level grades.

Ministers sought to head off a rush for places before the increase by adding a late amendment to the Higher Education Bill so that students who took a gap year this year could still pay the lower fee.

UCAS also revealed a surprise drop of 5.3 per cent in applications from foreign students.

There were 23,096 applicants from outside the European Union by January 15, against 24,388 last year.

The biggest decline was in China, regarded by British uni-

versities as a huge potential source of students willing to pay full fees of up to £20,000 a year.

Good news for graduates GRADUATE SALARIES ARE expected to reach record levels this year, as the average wage will top £22,000.

Employers also forecast 14.5 per cent more vacancies, with an increase in the overall value of starting salaries of 4.8 per cent, or £1,000, the highest year-onyear increase since 2001, according to the Association of Graduate Recruiters.

Although the growth in vacancies has slowed by 1 per cent from 15.5 per cent last year, the sustained demand for graduates appears to contradict fears of graduate excess.

The highest earners are graduates in investment banking who can earn as much as £35,000 when they start work. Next are management consultants and lawyers who can earn upwards of £28,500. At the bottom end of the scale, graduate retailers could start on as little as £19,000 falling to £13,700 if they work for insurance companies.

Longer-term forecasts however don’t look so rosy.

Oblivious to the looming state pension crisis.

G

raduates may be prevented from collecting a state pension until they are 70 years of age under a controversial proposal from Tony Blair’s pensions advisor Adrian Turner.

To solve the forthcoming pensions crisis a proposal consisting of a two-tier system has been formulated. Mr Turner has suggested that a sophisticated method to increasing the state pension age is needed. Stating "We’ve got to get our numbers to add up without a further tax increase, it [he state pension age] has got to be 70 in 2030, end of story.”

Surprisingly, graduates who are wealthier are more likely to retire at an earlier age; many around 55 years. People obviously would still be free to do this, however they may not receive any state support until reaching 70 years old.

Sir Malcolm Rifkind, shadow work and pensions minister, expressed: "Changing the entitlement depending on whether you went to university would not only be wrong in principle

but almost certainly unworkable."

Adrian Turner working closely with David Blunkett and the government is set to announce the final proposals by the end of June and has stated his intention to create a ‘coherent long-term pension system’.

Agreement has been made that the state should ensure that everyone who is retired is nowhere near any sort of relative poverty.

The crux of the argument like so many others is that there’s not enough money to go around.

More people are living longer and their living- standard expectations are rising, add to that a shrinking working population and the problem of cost is compounded.

Sound advice is not to rely on the governments plans and to participate in a decent private pension or investment scheme early. The increased dividend of investing in a pension in your 20s has been estimated to be up to 15% greater in retirement.

Grown up Gap Year

many as one in seven of 2,000 professionals polled by ‘YouGov’ had already left their day jobs to go travelling, and that more than 75% of employees would consider doing so.

Trips averaged three to six months, some a year, either with jobs being put on hold or by employees resigning and looking for work once they have returned.

The grown up gap year continues to grow in popularity as employees return to work with pictures and souvenirs from their trip.

FORGET THE CAREER ladder.

One in seven of us would rather climb a mountain or backpack around Australia as more and more people take gap years.

A survey suggests the trend for the "grown-up gap year" is becoming a workplace reality rather than an option available only to the wealthy or those willing to leap off the career ladder.

The findings show that as

Success with CVs

By Carly O’Donnell Jobs and Money Editor

W

hether you’re graduating next month or looking for a summer job a good CV is a necessity for every student.

A CV is your chance to impress an employer with your sparkling personality, witty humour and razor sharp intelligence (or lie about it at least). A well-written and creative document will considerably boost your chances of getting a face-to-face interview by highlighting relevant skills, experience and value to a potential boss.

There are no rights and wrongs when it comes to writing and presenting a CV, and each should be as individual as the person it belongs to. However, by applying our basic tips you will be able to sell yourself to an employer in a clear, concise and persuasive way.

The basics It’s best to write several CV’s that emphasise different skills and qualifications. Whoever your CV is aimed at, there are basic details all employers require.

1)Personal details

3) Education

List brief details of qualifications - GCSEs, Alevels, and degree - along with grades attained.

Skills - include specific skills such as IT skills or languages.

4) References

Include your name, address, phone numbers and email address. You can add details of your nationality, birth date and driving licence, but this is not always relevant.

Most employers ask for the names and contact details of two referees, one of which should be your most recent employer. Be sure to tell your referees in advance, so they will be prepared.

2)Work experience

4) Hobbies

Most applicants are likely to be students or have degrees. Work experience will set you apart from the crowd. List from most recent to least recent and try to show progression in development and skills. Use positive language to describe the job and emphasise how you went ‘above and beyond’ what was expected by the employer.

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Top-end earners ‘forced’ to retire in their 70s

CHRONOLOGICAL CV: Show your potential to an employer with by deatiling your achievements so far.

By adding details of specific hobbies, you are giving an employer a more rounded picture of your personal qualities, but be careful not to overdo it. Do not use a long list of hobbies to cover up a lack of work experience.

Presentation Ensuring your CV is well presented and easy to follow is as important as including all the relevant information. Most employers see hundreds of CVs and yours may get less than a minute of their time.

Most people follow the historical CV format, as this is familiar to employers and is easy to write with employment placed in chronological order.

Remember part time jobs during university are as important as full time positions as they show good time management skills. If you haven’t worked prior, or during, university opt for a skills-based CV that highlights your abilities.

Whatever your choice, your CV should look clear and tidy with information easy to find.

Most employers will expect to find the information under clear headings highlighted in bold or capitals, such as WORK EXPERIENCE or EDUCATION. Put dates on the left-hand side and indent information to make it easy for employers to find their way through your history.

For more information about writing a CV contact the careers service on Corbett Road or visit www.cardiff.ac.uk/caas/

The absolute DO’s and DONT’s of CV writing

!DO: Use a confident tone and positive language !DO: Concentrate achievements.

on

your

!DO: Make your most relevant experience and skills prominent to encourage the employer to read on !DO: Keep it to the point and concentrate on the quality of your achievements, not the quantity !DO: List other skills that could raise you above the competition such as languages, driving licence, IT skills !DO: Be ruthless with yourself and keep it to a maximum of two pages. !DO: Check thoroughly for correct spelling and grammar !DO: Get a friend to double check before you send the CV off !DO:Include examples of your work, if appropriate !DON’T: Leave excessive gaps in your work and education history. !DON’T: Lie – you never know what you’ll get asked in the interview. !DON’T: Include a photo unless you know the employer wants one !DON’T: Fax it without sending a copy in the post as well !DON’T: Use elaborate fonts, or colours !DON’T: Forget it's just a tool for getting you an interview.

Health & Science

June 6 2005

Page 11

gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com

The drugs don’t work (any more) With depression a serious issue for many students while at university, Paul Dicken investigates the effectiveness of anti-depressants while one Cardiff student (right) tells us their story

T

he Depression Alliance, a leading charity for people suffering from depression, estimates that one in five people will suffer from some form of depression in their lifetime.

Last year the Medicines and Healthcare Products Regulatory Authority (MHRA) said that anti-depressants were being 'too readily prescribed.'

2003 statistics state that 19 million prescriptions were written for 3.5 million people in that year.

The personal account on this page describes a more alternative approach to depression, which is also known as clinical depression.

Despite common misconceptions that depression is mainly a problem for people in later life, clinical depression can affect people of any age. The prescribing of anti-depressants, especially selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), has met with some criticism, but GPs face a tough decision in trying to find alternatives to the standard practise of prescribing medication.

SSRIs were recently in the press after a European medicine regulator ruled that Prozac should not be given to children.

Evidence has shown that SSRIs may make children and adolescents suicidal or hostile, with trials suggesting they offered little benefit when weighed against the potential side-effects.

SSRIs are a class of antidepressant, which includes Citalopram, Fluoxetine (Prozac is a trademark name of this drug) and Paroxetine (Seroxat is also a trademark name for this type of SSRI). They function to affect the chemicals within the brain by increasing the levels of serotonin (a neurotransmitter) present. Although guidelines on safety have been issued regarding SSRIs they continue to be widely used mainly because alternatives are difficult to access.

There are long waiting lists for what are called 'talking therapies' because of shortages in funding and a lack of counselling staff.

Guidelines issued by the National Institute of Clinical Excellence at the end of last year urged GPs not to prescribe anti-depressants for mild depression unless other treatments like talking and problem-solving fail.

Counselling is probably considered the major alternative to medication when treating depression. The natural remedy St John's wort is also seen as an effective treatment, as well as regular exercise.

Medical scepticism about St John's wort still persists, although a study carried out last month found the herbal remedy to be as effective as the antidepressant Paroxetine when tested on 244 people.

The study found that half of

“

DEPRESSION: Are prescription anti-depressants working? the people taking St John's wort improved, while only a third taking Paroxetine improved and also suffered more side effects.

In both cases stomach upsets were the most common side effect.

Some experts approached the findings with caution because of the small number of people taking part in the test, but Dr Meinhard Kieser told the BBC:

"Our results support the use of St John's wort as an alternative to standard anti-depressants in moderate to severe depression, especially as it is well tolerated".

In the UK the use of the herb is widely accepted because of problems in deciding what makes up a correct dosage; however, the National Institute for Clinical Excellence's guidelines accept evidence that St John's wort does

benefit people with mild to moderate depression.

In light of the study the British Association of Psychopharmacology did not believe it would alter professional thinking in the UK, while the Depression Alliance urged anyone using St John's wort should consult with their GP.

“...I thought I was losing my mind”

I came to Cardiff in 2002 and like most people I look back on my first year with fond memories. In my second year, however, everything changed.

I started not wanting to see friends and was constantly miserable. I’d cry at the drop of a hat, even though sometimes I didn’t really understand why.

Everything became a chore.

I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning and didn’t particularly want to. Soon I’d stopped doing most things. I missed my lectures, avoided being with friends; even simple things like doing my washing and cooking became a hassle.

In my third year things got worse. I was missing lectures again and couldn’t motivate myself to even look at my dissertation. The work piled up and my stress levels began to rise. I was tired all the time and couldn’t concentrate long enough to read more than a few paragraphs.

By February I thought I was losing my mind. On the outside things looked fine, yet inside I felt so pessimistic and useless. Although I wanted to sort things out by myself, after a year and a half I was exhausted and realised it was

Cardiff heads new research

By Chris Matthews Science Editor RECENT RESEARCH undertaken at Cardiff University could be destined to help a huge number of illness sufferers.

The schools of biosciences, optometry and pharmacy have been involved in separate research projects which should give hope to sufferers of blindness, asthma and Alzheimer's.

Asthma Asthma is a respiratory condition that affects an estimated 5.2 million people in the UK. Of these, around 1,400 severe sufferers die each year.

More worryingly the number of asthma sufferers is rapidly increasing and shows no sign of stopping; this is directly linked to an increase in the number of morbidly obese children.

Asthma is commonplace today and so too are the inhalers used to treat it.

They are familiar to most people but can be a central part of those people’s lives severely affected by asthma.

Most inhalers work in one of two ways. The first is to form a suspension in which drug particles float in liquid; the second is to make a solution in which drug particles are dissolved in a liquid. Both of these systems have problems associated with them; a suspension can lead to sediment of the drug being deposited before it reaches its intended destination, in this case the lung, while a solution can make a drug more unstable.

A Cardiff research team, based in the Welsh School of Pharmacy, is looking to overcome these problems by using an inhaler that relies upon nano-particles. This method of drug delivery maintains the stability of a substance and the small size of the particles ensure that the correct dose reaches its site of action.

The precise delivery of drugs in this way will help treat asthma sufferers more effectively. But Dr James Birchall predicts there could be more extensive benefits, saying: "[This technology] could make a huge improvement in the effectiveness of spray inhalers for users suffering from a wide range of illnesses and conditions".

One of these treatable conditions is diabetes where effective delivery of insulin by inhaler could replace the daily injections that must be selfadministered by thousands of sufferers in the UK.

Alzheimer's The Alzheimer's Research Trust has invested £300,000 in a Cardiff University Biological Sciences research project which hopes to find a link between eating fish and a reduction in the risk of developing the condition.

Alzheimer's is a progressive condition which is a form of pre-senile dementia. It usually first affects people in their forties and is characterised by a reduced capacity for memory, thought and finally speech.

It is estimated that 18,000 people under 65 have been diagnosed with the disease and the number is on the increase due to an aging population.

Initially the condition can be hard to diagnose as it often only displays itself as mild forgetfulness which can be easy overlooked. A diagnosis is more often reached when the disease progresses to more acute memory lapses often acompanied by an inibility to perform basic tasks such as hair combing and teeth brushing.

Eventually the degeneration leaves a patient entirely reliant on carers either at home or in the hospital.

The degenerative nature of the disease makes it particularly traumatic for both the patient and their family. However, there may be hope in the form of omega-3 fatty acids.

This group of essential polyunsaturated fatty acids have a characteristic double bond on their third carbon and are found in high concentrations in oily fish including salmon, mackerel and sardines.

Some studies have already suggested that high omega-3 fatty acids in the diet can reduce the risk of developing Alzheimer's, although this link has not yet been proven. The research team coordinator Professor Harwood is hopeful that his team can find a link between oily fish and not only a prevention of Alzheimer's but also a slowing of its progression following diagnosis.

If positive results are found after the research then

time to get help.

I went to my doctor with a close friend and was diagnosed with depression. I was advised to try exercise, counselling and the herbal remedy St John’s Wort. If these didn’t work I was told to think about taking anti-depressants.

Soon after my trip to the doctor I told my personal tutor and my parents about how I’d been feeling. Admitting my problems to them was the scariest thing I’ve had to do but also the most helpful. It was a relief to know that I didn’t have to hide things any more and that my tutor would support me if I was struggling with work.

I also started taking St John’s Wort every day and attending weekly counselling sessions.

Visiting the Counselling Service made me feel less alone.

So many normal people came in and out for appointments and it made me realise that there were lots of other people who felt like me.

My problems haven’t disappeared and I still have some terrible days, but I’m glad I’ve tackled my illness and now feel much more optimistic about the future.

”

government advice could be issued recommending that everyone takes fish oil capsules daily.

Blindness Blindness affects 50 million people worldwide, while a further 150 million people suffer from severely debilitating eyesight problems.

Hope may be offered to many of these people with the collaboration of research teams from the Cardiff School of Optometry and the Department of Opthalmology at Kyoto University, Japan. This joint research project aims to find the causes of genetically controlled diseases that cause conditions like glaucoma and high myopia.

Glaucoma affects 70 million people worldwide. It is caused by damage to the optic nerve which often leads to blindness with no warning.

Although the partnership is in its early stages, the project is hoped to preserve the vision of millions of people around the world.

Hope These three research projects bring hope to sufferers of many different conditions and over the next few years should yield results which will make a very real difference to millions of people around the world. The progress of these projects can be followed on the Cardiff University website where each research group has a page outlining their latest achievements.

LEFT: The Apple iPod, which inspired the fusion of technology with fashion RIGHT: A nylon dress made in one go on a 3-D printer using laser technology dubbed rapid prototyping

It’s the new black

By Ceri Morgan Deputy Science Editor

THE AMAZING success of the iPod has given root to the idea that technology can be a fashion statement.

Now the race is on to bring iPod-style ease of use and functionality into clothing.

Sandy Black, Fashion Researcher at the London College of Fashion (LCF) is enthusiastic about the new idea, stating: "The iPod has given a real kick-start to the idea of

wearable technology".

Sewing plastic LEDs into clothing, connected by soft circuitry, would make it simple to change your clothing patterns to this season’s trend. Memory chips could also be incorporated into the clothing allowing the storage of digital photos which could then be displayed on thin, flexible epaper on the front of a T-shirt.

Another concept of ‘smartclothing’ is jewellery that wirelessly transmits selected personal information which can

be received by other ‘smartclothes’ in the vicinity. This could be used to broadcast a person’s likes and dislikes in the hope of finding a compatible date more easily.

Black predicts that home furnishings could contain softcircuits with varying degrees of complexity, from basic switches to miniature computers. An example of this is a smart cushion which could be used to control a television by simply tapping a flower motif.

The final hurdle that this new

technology faces is enduring a home’s most violent environment, the washing machine.

Non-corroding plastics allow full submersion in water while high flexibility of the electronics prevents damage during a spin cycle.

Other ideas in development include shoes that can be made on demand by a 3-D printer. The microwave-sized machine uses computer guided laser beams which are fired at fabrics such as nylon and fused into complex 3-D shapes.

Books

Page 12

June 6 2005

books@gairrhydd.com

Battle of the book conversions

Can a film adaptation ever do justice to an author’s imagination in print?

FOR: Shell Plant

MANY BOOK lovers think that film adaptations are unauthentic money-spinners, destroying the integrity of the author who wrote the original masterpiece. This book lover doesn’t.

It is true that one of the purposes of film is to make mountains of profit. However, filmmaking is an art form. Peter Jackson didn’t just throw lots of money at New Zealand and hope a film would appear. He spent hours working on particular shots, days casting actors and months writing screenplays to get the film as close to the author’s vision as possible.

Secondly, books are also

written and distributed for profit. This is a little detail many seem to forget. Authors write to make money; it is after all, their job.

In addition, film adaptations get people reading. Thanks to the Harry Potter films, sales for children’s books have increased dramatically. Helen Fielding has been laughing all the way to the bank since Bridget Jones’s Diary was a smash hit at the box office and just think what Colin Firth and his wet shirt did for Pride and Prejudice.

The film industry would not be the rich tapestry it is if it were not for book adaptations.

Disney would have never existed without Grimm’s Fairy Tales or Hans Christian Andersen; Steamboat Willie was great but Mickey Mouse is nothing without Snow White et al.

Finally, books steal off films too. You only have to look at the shelves of Star Wars fan literature in your local WH Smiths to see that. So please dear book fans, don’t be so highbrow.

Yet one of the reasons that Bridget Jones - The Edge of Reason did not follow the success of its predecessor is that the film makers forgot what Fielding’s novel was about.

Bridget was turned from a lovable and convincing character into a caricature that bordered upon farcical. The film played it for laughs, and left behind Bridget’s genuine vulnerability.

Other adaptations actually erase some of the seminal moments in the book. The film version of Susannah Kaysen’s Girl, Interrupted eradicates Kaysen’s experiences of electric shock therapy, which is paramount in the novel. Troy similarly tampers with facts. The film-makers made Patroklas and Achilles cousins in the film, fearing that the audience would not understand their platonic frienship in the Iliad.

While I am not adverse to screen adapatations, what I object to are adaptations that are done without any sensitivity to the novels that they adapt.

AGAINST: Kerry-Lynne Doyle

ADAPTATIONS: The film of Bridget Jones’s Diary made Bridget into a British icon

ON RARE occasions film adaptations of books work.

Emma Thompson’s screenplay for Sense and Sensibility and Bridget Jones’s Diary are two examples of the rarity of successful adaptations, and good film adaptations are just that: rare.

Good film adaptations capture the essence, life, and characters of a book with finesse. One of the reasons that Bridget Jones’s Diary was such a phenomenonal success was that very fact; it fused the novel’s humour and characters transferring the very heart of the novel onto the big screen.

Eats, shoots and reads

Author Wilbur Smith tells Shell Plant why he works hard and plays even harder

SMITH: Now on his thirtieth novel after 40 years

WILBUR SMITH is surrounded by a flurry of PR people. I’m told by a friendly, if not slightly harassed, agent that he has a huge queue of fans waiting outside so we can’t talk for long.

I expect Smith to be a bit grumpy with all of the commotion but this grey-haired gentleman could not be more jovial.

Dressed in a grey suit, he looks like he’s just jumped out from the 1930s.

He instantly compliments my "Celtic hair," commenting after that he likes to be surrounded by pretty, young women.

Smith’s newest book, Triumph Under the Sun, not only celebrates forty years of writing for the author but it is also his thirtieth book - all of

which have been worldwide bestsellers.

Born in Africa in 1933, Smith knew that he wanted to write from a very early age.

"It was the only thing I excelled in at school.

I wanted to be a journalist initially, but my father told me, don’t be a bloody fool, you will starve to death. Get a real job."

Smith took his father’s advice on board and trained to become an accountant, but as soon as he qualified, he changed his mind and went right back to writing again. This time, fiction.

All of Smith’s engaging thriller and adventure novels are based around his birthplace, "the history of the African people and the wildlife.

I’m an African and I write about Africa. Nothing else inspires me more."

Sex, lies and stereotypes

Sarah Dobbs takes on the queens of gothic horror

CONTRARY TO popular belief, Anne Rice does not have the monopoly on purple-prose, New Orleansbased, sexually ambiguous vampire literature.

Poppy Z Brite's first novel, Lost Souls, was published when she was only 26, and put a new spin on Rice's tired, wordy books. Carving herself a hefty slice of the babybat fanbase, Brite's next two novels, Drawing Blood and Exquisite Corpse, along with her collections of short stories, Swamp Foetus and Self-Made Man, catupulted her to the role of new lady of the night. Editing the short story collection Love in Vein, writing a Courtney Love biography and a Crow novel all secured her place as the bright young face of gothic horror.

Then, rather unwisely, she stopped writing it. Renouncing the genre, Brite's next works were about gay chefs. A lot of her fans recoiled in shock – mostly because they were there for the horror.

Brite is a pretty awful writer but that is expected with horror novels. Her fans were never there for the quality of her writing, characterisation, or social commentary – they were there for the gruesome imagery and gay sex.

Brite spends a vast proportion of her time now railing against

those who desperately want to pigeonhole her. She is not a horror writer. She has grown up; she writes real literature now.

Yet the focus of her books remains the same: she writes about homosexual men. The settings and storylines are more or less incidental, because the real story is always hot gay sex.

Obviously, I am not saying that writing about gay characters is in any way wrong, but these are not characters.

They are caricatures.

Fangirls writing mastubatory fantasies Any reviews which comment on her preoccupation with writing about pretty gay boys tend to result in sarcastic posts on her Livejournal. Brite complains that everyone is prejudiced, homophobic, and missing the point, but really, all Brite does is perpetuate stereotypes.

She is not making homosexuality acceptable; if anything, her books promote a decidedly twisted and unhealthy version of gender relations.

Virtually every male character in her books is gay, while female characters tend to

GOTHIC FICTION : L-R Brite, a Rice vampire, and Rice

be desperately in love with them and are therefore subjected to enormous amounts of suffering.

Brite once infamously referred to herself as a "gay man in a woman's body", and she seems desperate to make that true.

You can find writing of this standard all over the internet. It is called "fanfiction", an online genre filled with fangirls writing masturbatory fantasies about their favourite male characters and/or actors having lots of hot gay sex.

It is probably not stretching the truth to suggest that often, these amateur writers achieve better prose than Brite; a professional writer who uses the phrase "ass as round and sweet as a pair of ripe mangoes" twice in as many pages has serious need for an editor.

Here, again, Brite/Rice similarities emerge: both authoresses consider themselves above the need of proofreading, and both enjoy finding negative reviews of their work on the internet and writing indignant replies in retaliation.

Anne Rice's reply to an review of her book Blood Canticle resulted in mass internet mockery due to a presumptuous comparison she made between herself and Dickens, while Poppy Z Brite recently "banned herself from

the Internet".

Not from e-mail, you understand, nor from updating her Livejournal on a near-daily basis; and she will keep updating her website and visiting eGullet, and of course, she couldn't do without eBay (it is a good source of income when sales are not doing that well). Apart from that, she has entirely banned herself from the internet, because there altogether too many idiots online.

It is almost embarrassing to watch these two women vehemently attack their critics; their arrogance is entirely lacking in grace. The same pompous self-importance that prevents them from accepting the comments of their editors also apparently results in an inability to understand that there is a reason not everyone worships them.

Brite's admission that she does not mind if reviewers get their facts wrong about her books as long as they give her positive reviews, while negative ones fill her with uncontrollable rage whenever they make a mistake, reveals a rather desperate need for approval.

The temptation to check out the public's reaction to your work must be great for any artist.

Seeing blatant misunderstandings, or personal attacks as a result of your work, must result in anger and a desire to respond.

The thing is, if you are as awful a writer as Brite, and are still able to get published, maybe banning oneself from the internet is not such a bad idea.

Either that, or learn to take some constructive criticism – Poppy, you are not doing any great work for the gay "cause", and you are not a gay man; you, like an awful lot of people, just happen to find gay sex arousing.

Get over yourself and into the real world.

His favourite novel is his first, When the Lion Feeds, as this is the book that put his foot on the road as an author.

Although an African at heart, with a particular penchant for Capetown, Smith does enjoy the British countryside, so much so that he dubs himself half AngloBritish, half Anglo-African.

"I enjoy living in the UK very much but I don’t spend as much time here as I would like to."

Smith is a keen shooter and Wales is apparently a particularly good area if you share his hobby.

Far from starving to death as his father predicted, Smith can afford to work for one year and then play in the following year.

"This year is a play year," he tells me. "After this small amount of publicity I’m off to sunny Africa and then Australia,

maybe Botswana.

I’m planning on having a couple of months in Bali, and I have an island in the Seychelles so I will be going out there to do some diving and some fishing.

It’s a tough life for me, but you know, I’m strong enough to face it."

He finishes with an ironic grin, obviously enjoying the envy which was pouring out of me.

To all upcoming writers who would like to follow in Smith’s very rich footsteps, he gives this message: "Read, and then write."

According to Smith, a young writer can even learn from the bad books that they have read.

He suggests that potential writers should read with a critical eye, look at how

successful books are structured and why bad ones fail.

"A lot of people talk about writing a book," Smith muses.

"They say ‘I’m going to write a book about this and that.

Well as Hemingway says, ‘When I was writing my books, they were sitting in the sidewalk cafes in Paris, talking their books away.’"

In short, stop talking and get reading and writing.

In regards to the future, which he is always looking to, another book is on the horizon.

"I’ll write my last book when they put me in a wooden box and bury me down into the cemetery and then my bony hand will come up, grab a pen and write on the side of the coffin: The End." Let’s hope that doesn’t happen for a while yet.

Life on the inside

JAMES: Gives a voice to the realities of life in UK prisons

By Colm Loughlin ERWIN JAMES is important.

What he does is unique – as far as I can tell – in prison writing.

A lot of the columns collected in A Life Inside, which are from four years of writing for G2 in The Guardian, are concerned with mundane goings on. The very first ‘How Beggsy fell out with Bob’, describes an arrangement made by a group of prisoners to ensure as many of them as possible could read one copy of the same newspaper. When one of them (Bob) slips up, another (Beggsy) is not pleased.

What is useful about these incidents is that, through humanising the men and situations, it conveys a reality which prison fiction tends not to – it is crucial that these columns are not fiction.

James seems to be aware of the questions Joe Schmo might ask about being in prison. He describes for example, with no small amount of wit and flair, how to avoid sexual frustration; lead a monk-like existence; how

to avoid fights and how terrible it would be to be innocent and locked up, although he makes no such claims himself.

The fact that James wrote these columns in prison is ultimately compelling; it instils a trust in the reader. I was initially seduced by the quality of his prose. The line, ‘The landings of long-term prisons are littered with wan individuals, halloweyed through years of unrestrained masturbation’ is one of the most painfully poignant lines I have ever read. I came to rely upon what James was telling me.

When James first went to prison he was semi-literate

In the introduction to A Life Inside, Ian Katz describes the kind of devotion James attracted from a dedicated following, including, ironically enough, the governor of a lifers-only prison in Portsmouth. Ironic, because when James first wanted to start

writing his column his own governor said no. This devotion, I think, is crucial to the change James’s work represents.

Suddenly (well, at least among Guardian readers), men in prison are not as remote as they once were. These are people who do what people do (have fights, read books, go to the toilet and so on).

James is not self-pitying. He consistently shows remorse and accepts his punishment. This acceptance allows his work to paint an engaging picture of rehabilitation. When James first went to prison he was semi-literate and a thug. Through determined self-improvement and other people’s help (G2 Editor Ian Katz deserves special mention) he has become a fine writer and a safe member of society.

In the last of the columns he says: ‘I can’t change the past – I would sacrifice all my good things if I could – but I’ve managed to change me. It was the best that I could do.’ If only we could legislate for all prisoners to get a G2 column.

Travel

June 6 2005

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travel@gairrhydd.com

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This summer, go Aeolian

Holiday like a rich Italian with a little island-hopping

How To Get There From Palermo ! Flights to Palermo from Stansted with Ryanair start from 49p excluding taxes

STROMBOLI: stunning

MAGU: The only way to travel in style

By Sarah Cummins Travel Editor LIVING IN SICILY for a year was an experience, but with active volcanoes, mud baths and hot springs, the nearby Aeolian Islands were calling to be explored.

Lying just off the north-east coast of Sicily, each of the seven islands offer something different for visitors, from the bustling tourist hubbub of Lipari to the calm tranquillity of Panarea.

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The Aeolian Islands have a very Greek look about them with their white painted houses and citrus and olive trees at every corner. Getting there from mainland Sicily is a mix of buses, trains and boats but well worth it once there. Alternatively, boats run from Naples.

We stayed on Lipari, the largest and busiest in the Aeolian archipelago, and aimed to use that as our base to explore the other islands.

Its town, named after the island itself, lies between the two

ports of Marina Corta and Marina Lunga with a beautiful castle separating the two.

One morning the weather had taken a turn for the worse: although it was dry the wind had really picked up and all the boat trips had been cancelled. At a loss with what to do on the island we wandered up to the car hire shop and fell in love… with Magu.

Magu can only be described as an Early Learning Centre car on speed – every boy’s fantasy.

With just enough room for the

two of us to sit and three gears (forwards, backwards and stationary), it was the most hilarious experience of the holiday.

We managed to circumnavigate the island in under two hours. The advantage of the wonderful Magu is its size. We were able to nip into every little lane and pathway and it gave us a real sense of adventure – especially when it started to rain and thunder. A car with no doors, a sideways wind and a thunder storm equals very wet tourists.

Back in town, strolling through the streets of Lipari, boat tour companies will approach you offering cruises and trips to the other islands. Desperate to see Stromboli and Panarea we booked a half day trip.

Panarea is the smallest of the islands and probably the prettiest.

The defining elements of the island are its prehistoric village and the lack of cars.

The island’s lanes are too small to cope with anything bigger than the electric carts and three wheelers that whizz around the narrow streets - a refreshing break from the constant horns of the busy streets in Catania that I was used to.

Panarea is popular in the summer months with wealthy Italians and at the height of the season beach space is hard to come by.

After an hour on Panarea our boat tour led us to Stromboli, another popular island with an active volcano. Drifting past the volcano we could see even in the daylight the effects of the sparks above as the lava slid down its vastness. Sailing around the island we came to shore and were let loose for three and a half hours.

Other than the volcano itself there isn’t a great deal to see on Stromboli, but a happy time can be spent wandering through the local lanes and pathways, absorbing the magical atmosphere that Stromboli has to offer its visitor. Having sufficiently stuffed ourselves with pizza we left to watch the volcano really do its stuff.

Pausing beside the volcano as near as we safely could, we could see a warm glow and a few sparks coming from its mouth. After half an hour I’d begun to think my dream of seeing a full explosion was a fantasy, but just as the boat was

pulling away Stromboli gave us a show worthy of Sydney’s New Year celebrations. Bright orange and red sparks flew out from the top and warm orange lava flowed down into the sea. It was fantastic: everything I’d hoped for. To finish the evening off as we sailed back to Lipari on an open top deck of the boat we saw a display of shooting stars.

A later trip to the islands saw me visiting Vulcano, the nearest island to Sicily and the first port of call when travelling from Catania.

Vulcano is famous for its mud bath and hot springs. Signs surrounding the mud bath warn of its radioactivity, advise against staying in for longer than twenty minutes, and mention the likelihood that you will throw your costume away after contact with the mud. If this isn’t off-putting enough, the stench coming from the mud is vile. Despite all this it’s fun and after wallowing hippo-like in the mud you can rinse off in the nearby hot springs.

With all this and more on offer the Aeolian Islands make a stunning alternative to the Greek Islands.

! From Palermo airport jump on the direct bus to Palermo and catch a train to Milazzo. ! Once at Milazzo a bus will take you to the harbour and from there hydrofoils leave often during the summer months.

From Catania ! Flights to Catania from Gatwick with and BA start from £99 including taxes ! From Catania airport jump on a bus to the main coach station in Catania ! From Catania a coach to Messina then a link bus to Milazzo where you can jump on a hydrofoil.

A ticket to a guilt trip?

Should tourists visit countries with oppressive political regimes?

By Laura Tovey Travel Editor

Aung San Suu Kyi: under house arrest

TOURISM IS big money. If this money supports a dictatorship, is this the resopnsibility of the tourist? By refusing to visit countries with oppressive regimes travellers can take an ethical stand.

But in practical terms such boycotts can do more harm than good.

The question revolves around individual consumer choice in terms of ethics, politics and economics.

Governments across the world have cottoned on to the fact that tourists equal revenue and jobs in regions that were struggling and a way to cash in on the jaded traveller’s appetite for something ‘authentic’. They woo the tourist with the assiduity of a lover and take action to stamp out anything that spoils the picture-perfect dream vacation promised to the punters.

The tourist sees a glossy choreographed version of a country and goes home as a living propaganda machine for the regime that the world is condemning.

But how much fun will you have on your holiday if you know the sordid hardship your smiling tour guide has to endure when the camera’s gaze is turned away?

A case in point is Myanmar (Burma). After achieving independence from Britain in 1948, more than a decade of political instability a military dictatorship was established. On May 27 1990 the National League for

Democracy (NLD) won the first free electionss to be held for 30 years by a landslide such as Blair can only dream of. But 15 years on, the ruling military junta continues to refuse to concede power.

Aung San Suu Kyi, the leader of the NLD, has been under house arrest since May 2003.

She has asked the world not to visit the troubled country, as the money raised through tourism pours straight into the coffers of the government that is raping the country’s natural resources and abusing its people. But with the growth of non-government run hotels and facilities, a continued boycott could deprive locals of desperately needed income.

Economic sanctions imposed to underline political disagreement are long established. But your choice of holiday destination is one where you can voice your own opinion and not that of the government, which may be anxious over arms development or oil supplies but isn’t usually so bothered over the fate of ‘Juan The Farmer.’ It is a chance to vote with both your feet and your wallet and refuse to sanction or financially support countries that operate against your conscience with your tourist trade.

Against this chance for individual voice is the need for individuals’ survival. The same people that boycotts are attempting to stand up for still need to live.

Tourism brings much needed revenue to otherwise poor areas.

Even if the majority of the money pours into the wallets of the corrupt fat cats, the little that does end up in the hands of the

hotel chambermaid or the farmer, producing luxury crops that locals can’t afford to buy, could be the difference between starving or not. It is especially important in places where political unrest or oppression is crippling the economy that locals need all the opportunities they can get; denying them of the money and jobs that tourism can provide is not helpful.

What use is the idealist’s dream of toppling the state through spending their holiday in Sweden instead of Sri Lanka to the worker struggling in a sweatshop to make tourist tat who finds there’s no-one to buy it?

Removing the financial incentive for the continuation of exploitative practices won’t result in a government seeing the error of its ways and setting up a welfare state, it simply means that those hovering on the poverty line will sink beneath it, crushed by a crate of unsold hand-carved wooden elephants.

The aim is noble and the long term intentions hopeful (but unproved) but the short term implications cannot be ignored.

It is a question of weighing the day to day realities of survival against the ethical implications of supporting a corrupt, illegitimate or harmful regime.

Myanmar is far from an isolted case. All over the world there are countries with appalling human rights records and oppressive political regimes.

Many counties have poverty and conditions that the privileged West would find appalling.

Should tourists avoid India because the state appears to

ignore the boil-encrusted beggars on the streets? What about the homeless people who can be found in any city in Britain?

Britain is also condemned by Amnesty International for being one of the few European countries to send soldiers under eighteen into combat, which they class as the use of ‘child soldiers’. Or how about the USA, a country with one of the worst human rights records of all time?

It is easy to preach from a position of assumed moral superiority that a country will not be visited unless it conforms to our preferred standards of democracy but when our own countries are often so severely lacking, this is mere hypocrisy and cultural imperialism.

We cannot just confine ourselves to this little island, safe in the knowledge that if it isn’t perfect, at least we aren’t perpetuating the crimes of foreign governments by straying from its shores. Part of the point of travelling is to learn about different cultures and see life from a different perspective. That can mean facing some distressing realities ‘up close and personal’, but if that jolts us out of a complacent attitude then so much the better.

Such experiences can force us to realise there are some things we find unacceptable in the world and that it’s high time we did something about them.

Avoidance of problematic countries is just a way to ignore global problems we’d rather not consider on a holiday.

What is or is not ethically acceptable in a culture or a gov-

ernment varies wildly from person to person. Some would sooner boycott the countries that severely oppress women through law. Others would have a greater problem with countries such as Thailand where the authorities turn a blind eye to child prostitution and the trade of sex tourism thrives. Whatever the issue, direct campiagning must be more useful than simply going to an alternative destination.

As always, it is questionable how much influence the individual can really have. Tourism has always been prey to the vagaries of fashion and there are many who will not stop to consider the political situation of the country they are entering, as long as it is safe for them.

It all comes down to personal choice. There are many sides to this complex issue, and only the individual can decide what values are most important to them and what countries they are or are not willing to visit.

Individual boycotting will not topple the state single-handedly any more than one vegetarian will close McDonald’s, but just because your neighbour likes to eat a dead slab of cow doesn’t mean you have to; neither must you condemn them for doing so.

This is one area where it is more important than ever to consider the issue, weigh up the facts and have an opinion, rather than be herded onto a plane by a smiling tour guide without so much as stopping to think about your actions. All tourism has a price beyond the one on your ticket, and you must decide how much you’re willing to pay.

Comment

June 06 2005

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columnist@gairrhydd.com

Passing Howard’s Torch Carrie O

ne month on from the general election and the Tories are undergoing the painstaking process of re-evaluation. The first few small steps to reform are now emerging in the form of leadership changes and constitution proposals, but just how smoothly will this course of rehabilitation run for the party now Blair has secured an historic third term?

It’s clear that the Tories are in need of a considerable reformation in order to salvage the Conservative name, and it’s even more obvious that this begins with changing the face that fronts the party.

Michael Howard has successfully earned the party an honourable second place in last month’s election, but the public made it more than clear that he wasn’t the man for the job of Prime Minister. His campaign, although it gained the party 33 more seats, failed to strike a chord of confidence in the hearts and minds of the British electorate.

Candidates should come from a new “gene pool” Thus, Howard’s decision to step down after the Tories’ October conference later this year will be his final act of goodwill for the party. By allowing for a new leader before the end of 2005, Howard is acknowledging the party’s need for a new image to enhance its chances of making something of itself over the next five years.

But accusations that Mr Howard has now become a ‘lame duck’ leader following his deadline to quit are unfounded in light of his careful regard for the party’s future. Howard has

FARWELL

shown that he will ensure that the Tory leadership will be left in capable hands, unlike his predecessor William Hague. Mr Hague ducked out the day after the party’s election defeat in 2001, shoddily choosing to leave his party to both recover from a landslide election defeat and to do so without a leader.

Such an instant resignation only serves to protect the ego of the individual MP and undermines the whole concept of party leadership. If you can leave a party’s headship up in the air without finding a suitable replacement before you slip conveniently back into the shadows, what does this say about the credibility of your successor and the importance of leadership?

The example of the ‘quiet man’ himself provides an apt example to illustrate the point.

The Conservatives made a fundamental mistake by instating Iain Duncan Smith as its leader after Hague’s snappy exit; after facing continual speculation and disquiet about his future, Mr Duncan Smith was later ousted following a vote of confidence after just two years as leader. If Duncan Smith’s short-lived post doesn’t highlight the need for careful consideration when choosing a successor, then what does?

Leadership proposals Michael Howard’s recent decision to establish a new leadership election procedure illustrates the importance that he has placed in choosing the right future face of the party. His proposals, which have been accepted by the party board, would see leadership selection powers return to MPs. Under current rules Conservative party members select a new leader.

Howard’s plans have been dubbed a ping-pong system that would allow MPs to overrule the wishes of party members. But it

On the end of Michael Howard’s leadership of the Conservative party and the contest to come

“God no, I don’t want it...” was this rank-and-file vote that mistakenly elected Iain Duncan Smith almost four years ago. If the final say goes to MPs and the party would avoid blunders like the case of Duncan Smith, then Howard’s plans are completely acceptable and quite necessary.

It is not ‘discarding democracy’ as some commentators would have us believe, this is simply because the party’s wider membership would still be consulted and given their say.

Although a number of Tory MPs are angry at the plans, most of the parliamentary party agree

with Howard’s proposed changes and it’s most likely that they will be adopted at the autumn party conference later this year.

Modernity and youth Howard has made the right decision to give MPs the final say, especially because it will mean his personal intentions will sound a little louder.

The opposition leader is thought to be keen for one of the younger generation Tories to succeed him, showing signs that the much needed modernisation

may well take place. His dramatic reshuffle last month installed several so-called ‘young guns’ into the shadow cabinet, and is evidence of Howard’s determination to inject some muchneeded youth into the archaic ranks of the Tory party.

Such desires have been echoed by prospective leader candidates, such as the comments made by Andrew Lansley.

The shadow health secretary has said that the Tories should now describe themselves as the “Reform Conservatives” and parliamentary candidates should come from a new “gene pool”.

Reformation is clearly the way forward and Howard is on track to making sure that his party will undergo this vital transition.

Whilst complete modernisation is neither necessary nor the appropriate answer, elements of renewal are crucial. Such rebirth worked for the Labour party in the 1990s and the Conservatives will reap the rewards five years down the line if they are to follow in new Labour’s example.

Whether the party opt to return to the right or decide upon a radical new generation of Conservative politics; change is the answer.

Michael Howard is currently laying the grounds for this modification; people shouldn’t be as quick to attack his choice to stay on as leader and see the party on its road to recovery.

He clearly recognises that his party must be brought into the twenty-first century, and he’s just making sure that whoever has the task of leading the way is the right person for the job, because he obviously isn’t.

It might prove to be a bumpy ride but the journey to resurgence is looking considerably more realistic for the Conservative party. Whoever they chose to lead them on this rocky road must recognise and seize the opportunity that lies ahead.

Column monkey Tory Boy with more to say on top-up fees

T

op up fees are no more. Fantastic. No money to pay out and lots of Freshers wandering around with extra large wads of cash in their pockets to spend on drink as a wave of cheery students flood in from England and Cardiff University climbs up the university rankings.

That was the plan.

Seems wonderful doesn’t it? Almost too good to be true? Interesting that, because at the moment it just well might be. University students across Wales are jumping for joy at the proposition of no top-up fees without seriously considering the consequences.

Nobody has actually said anything about how the shortfall in university funding will occur. Neither has there been anything confirmed regarding much needed changes to the tuition fee payment system.

Basically, the champagne corks need to stay in for a while longer until the assembly backs up its initial sparks of student salvation with a full-on bonfire. Or, until they pass some more legislation which clarifies things a little.

In England, on the introduction of top-up fees, the pay structure will be redesigned allowing students to pay tuition fees after their courses, thus leaving a surplus of beer money leading to a better (implication: increasingly drunk) student life and more time to do university work, instead of scraping around for loose change down the back of pub sofas.

Why it’s taken this long for somebody to appreciate that it would be more sensible for us to pay when we actually have money is utterly beyond me.

If the Welsh Assembly doesn’t approve similar measures, though, then they will be forcing Welsh students to scrape further into debt and acquire jobs that may well jeopardize their courses.

So, taking a slightly more expensive course, but having cash on hand at university, not worrying about that

dreaded letter from the bank and being able to drink at the bar instead of working extra long shifts behind it. Or, trying to scrape through with a £1000 a term loan out of which the university takes £1300 (!!!) for accommodation and tuition and then, trying to make ends meet, eventually finding yourself on a computer at the university newspaper before realising no bastard pays you? Which one will students choose? I wonder… (for those requiring clarification I’m assuming students would choose the former. If you don’t assume this please don’t read anymore. Of anything.)

So fewer students choose Cardiff. The students here pay less. Therefore, our Uni has less money to spend on students. Less money to buy new facilities. Less money to pay lecturers.

So lecturers leave. And our facilities get old. And break.

And, in the long run, fewer people choose Cardiff because we have dilapidated facilities and our best lecturer has only got a GCSE in Metalwork. At a C. And lo and behold… we’ve become Glamorgan.

We’ll start having to pay for awful adverts outside of UWIC telling of our ex-students becoming members of the Welsh tiddlywinks team and pretending we actually do serious courses. This will persuade nobody, but the cost will cause advertising debts.

And everything that we respect, love and long for within our uni will be long distant memories as it is ren a m e d … ( g u l p ) … C a r d i ff College of Higher Education.

So let’s not count our chickens. Nobody should assume that a piece of showboat politics by the Welsh Conservatives promises to improve student life. The Assembly now has a serious challenge. Does it have the balls to back up the rhetoric?

Take it away gentlemen, show us what you’ve got…

Until then guys, keep a cork in it.

Crazy Frogs: What went wrong for France?

J

Geordie

ust when it looked like we were finally making some progress, just when it looked like we’d buried our differences and present-day Europe had come to realise the universal Truth that nobody wins unless everybody wins, it all starts to fall apart again.

The European Constitution was overwhelmingly rejected first by the French public and then the Dutch, two of the EU’s original six founder members and architects of the ultimate objective of an ‘ever-closer union’. If two generally proEuropean countries such as these have opposed the treaty, then there’s little chance of its acceptance in the United Kingdom where the mass media, or at least the tabloid press, are at best Europhobic, at

worst outright bigoted.

With the benefit of hindsight, the resounding ‘no’ results weren’t hard to predict. Both France and the Netherlands have experienced the kind of rise of extreme right-wing parties the BNP in this country could only dream of, and the rest of us would be given nightmares by. Despite the vile JeanMarie Le Pen openly espousing his hatred of foreigners, he still gathered enough support and enough votes to secure his place in the final run-off against Jacques Chirac in the Presidential elections of 2002.

At the time, the Polish Prime Minister, Leszek Miller claimed that Le Pen’s success posed a threat to the European Union.

How right he was.

In the Netherlands, Pim Fortuyn’s anti-immigrant rheto-

ric made Michael Howard seem positively Europhilic before the Dutchman’s murder, also in 2002. By this time, Fortuyn’s party was already effectively the opposition in the Dutch government.

The French want sod-all to do with Blair The recent murder of a filmmaker critical of Islam only served to heighten anti-immigrant feeling. Given recent expansion of the EU to include certain former Soviet bloc countries, and the possible admission of Turkey in the near future, it’s not hard to see why those con-

EU CONSTITUTION: Book of tattered dreams

Discusses the French and Dutch rejections of the EU Constitution and what it will mean for the future of Europe and Britain’s place in the Union

cerned about immigration would want to strike a blow against the European Union.

The odd thing is that all the Constitution really seeks to achieve is the power for the EU to sit on international bodies and the formalisation of established legislation – giving a sound legal basis to the Human Rights Act, for example, to facilitate the provision of liberté, sécurité et justice for all the Union’s members - and the Flag and anthem (Beethoven’s Ode To Joy). Unlike in the UK, most of the French media were pro-constitution, but the elements that weren’t made the document sound like some sort of Blairite plot to take over the continent, when in actual fact at least part three was virtually copied verbatim from the original Treaty of Rome.

Our Prime Minister may, however, be a big factor. Given the widespread belief that the PM not only has an ‘obsession with his place in history’ but also desired to be the first President of a United States of Europe, and also that he managed to lose the trust of nigh on every European leader over the whole Iraqi debacle. I for one am entirely unsurprised that our chums across the channel want sod-all to do with any institution in which wor Tony plays any kind of part.

Choosing to hold referenda rather than simply allowing the Constitution to be ratified by Parliament highlights the dangers of consenting to a mostly misinformed public decide on important issues rather than letting their elected representatives do their jobs, but neither the

French government nor the Dutch sold the idea to their populace. This is especially evident in Britain. Major elements of the media are raving about the dangers the constitution poses to our freedom, and the normally unstoppable Labour PR machine is impotently doing nothing, merely a spectator allowing the public to absorb only one side of the argument.

Failure to ratify the constitution in France and the Netherlands has shelved a UK referendum for the time being, but it’s a pretty safe bet that a vote in this country would also have turned up a negative result.

A survey of people on the street conducted by the Independent on Sunday on whether the questionees would vote yes or no in the event of an imminent referendum turned up such promising responses as unwillingness to be told how straight our bananas should be, aversion to being controlled by ‘some mad German individual’ and the particularly bilious response, “basically I can’t stand foreigners”.

Enlightened bunch, aren’t we?

It’s not the bigotry that’s most disturbing, though, it’s the lack of understanding or even any attempt to get informed – reactionism seems to be enough.

The European Union isn’t solely controlled by some unelected quango intent on instituting petty regulations designed to make our lives that little bit more unbearable. Its members are either directly elected – as in the European Parliament, which operates under a system of proportional representation and as such is more democratic than the central UK government – or

appointed by our elected leaders.

Sovereignty is not so much delegated as pooled, to make joint decisions on issues affecting the whole Union, which these days means pretty much everything. On the issue of sovereignty - what’s so great about independence?

Bearing in mind that we live in the United Kingdom - a country whose constituent provinces traditionally despise one another, yet have forged a union in order to prosper together - one would think that the idea of wider unification would be one that appeals to most Brits.

Apparently not.

If we’re better off with an

What’s so great about independence? independent Britain, then you could equally make the case for an independent England, independent North-East (to take my own region as an example), an independent County Durham... and then it gets a little bit silly.

The argument that British culture is different to European culture doesn’t wash either.

There’s no single identifiable British culture (or English, Welsh or Scottish for that matter) any more than there is a monoculture across the continent (France and Spain - next to each other, very different places). You can’t say that British culture is different to European culture, because nei-

ther exists.

On most levels our needs are essentially the same. As long as the decisions that affect our lives are taken in a democratic way and we determine our own fate, does it really matter if those decisions are taken in London or Brussels? From Iceland to Turkey we are not fundamentally different, and our artificial division along tribal lines is fallacious. Only together can we realise our potential: a Europe united will never be defeated.

But it seems it isn’t to be.

Europe’s leaders will have to have a serious think about the direction in which they want to take the EU. Britain, for one, will have to take a back seat for a while, with a growing number of the Union’s membership joining our own public in wariness of further British involvment.

The leaders on the continent are divided. Spain are happy with a constitutional Europe, Luxembourg and Belgium favour a federal approach (as do I). Britain is seeking a free-trade Europe with what is seen by many as a neo-liberal economy in opposition to the socialist principles on which the Union was founded. France and Germany prefer a “multi-speed” approach, with willing countries co-operating more than others.

This latter option may be best, and doesn’t strictly rule out the other possibilities.

Whatever agreements are reached, further progress will necessarily be at a slower pace.

As the French and Dutch have shown, we are all afraid of change.

Who ya gonna call? Emails to columnist@gairrhydd.com

Political Opinion

Page 16

June 6 2005

One month in Westminster politics@gairrhydd.com

After her election victory on May 5, Jenny Willott MP talks to Andrew Mickel about settling in to life in Parliament

W

estminster has had a month now to try and crush enthusiasm out of its new intake, but Jenny Willott is still bouncing like a democratic Tigger at the mere mention of election night. "I quite enjoyed it, you know. It’s quite fun. Better than losing." She talks of her new job with the zeal of a convert. "My feet haven’t touched the ground yet."

Having unseated Jon Owen Jones on May 5 in the full glare of the media spotlight, Jenny entered Parliament as one of the youngest MPs, and one of only 120-odd female MPs. Using the Whitsun holidays to catch up with constituency work, she’s hard at work at the Lib Dem office on City Road, which is flooded with piles of papers in every room. Despite this, both Jenny and the party workers in the office were evidently still on a high from last month’s successful campaigning. The hard-fought election may be over, but there’s now the new challenge of settling into Westminster.

“I have a phone number but I’m don’t know where my messages go”

"It’s a very different environment and I think it’ll take a while for me to get used to that.

It’s weird because when you’re in the chamber for Prime Minister’s Questions, things like that, everyone’s shouting at each other and being really rude. They regress to the age of about six from what I can see."

It certainly sounds like the Westminster that we’re used to on the television, but Jenny insists on a bond between the new MPs of all parties in the face of being newly elected.

"The rest of the time, people are much more friendly and consensual and supportive of each other. There’s a real feeling of camaraderie."

It’s not surprising that camaraderie is needed in the face of the challenges that Wetminster seems to be throwing up. "I don’t get an office for another month, I have a laptop that works sporadically. I now have someone working for me parttime on a temporary basis, but he can’t answer my phone because my phone disappears. I

have a number but I don’t know quite where my messages go."

Considering the foot-high piles of post that greets an MP on the average Monday morning, the state of the Westminster office doesn’t bear thinking about.

The first challenge for any new MP to the Commons is to make a maiden speech. Jenny’s was widely praised by new MPs of all colours after she gave it in the last week before the Whitsun recess, but it remains a threatening process. "I was terrified, I was shaking," she laughs. "You have to stand up to catch the Speaker’s attention.

Even though they’re going to call on you anyway, you don’t know when you are going to get called. Every time you stand up it might be you or it might not be."

Jenny Willott does have a history at Parliament, having worked in Lembit Opik’s office.

Working in Westminster, however, still carries potential trouble at every turn. "I was carrying a huge pile of papers, desperately walking along looking like this," she laughs and gets up to illustrate her point, "and walked smack bang into someone, absolutely crunch, and I looked up and it was, um, I’ve forgotten his name. Really scary; now the EU Commissioner…" The bout of political Guess Who was somewhat unexpected. Peter Mandelson? "Thank you. Peter Mandelson. I can’t believe I just said that! Shows how full my head is." It’s perhaps best for all concerned that the Commons is so close to summer recess.

Still, it’s not unexpected that Parliament still holds surprises for even the politically experienced. Only a month into being an MP, Jenny doesn’t talk as if she’s comfortable there yet.

Moreover, she’s talking about her job with enthusiasm, not the constant world-weary sighing that carried Jon Owen Jones out of office.

"I get this overwhelming feeling that they’re really important, and I’m not, and it’s a bit surreal. I feel so lucky that I get to be there." It’s perhaps inevitable that she should be so overwhelmed by it all, but it is still surprising when your local representative—someone who, by all stereotypical rights, should be arrogant about their place in the corridors of power—expresses such humility.

As part of the new intake it’s not surprising that focus has been drawn to Jenny’s role as a young, female MP. She admits that this is a potential hurdle in political life. "People sometimes think you don’t know stuff, because you’re young and

ELECTION: Canvassing a voter in the lead-up to May 5 female. There’s definitely something of being patronising."

Most importantly, she thinks it’s essential to make Parliament more representative of the country, and start to eradicate some of the sterotypes of Parliament as male-dominated, but also of women MPs them-

“I get this overwhelming feeling that they’re important and I’m not.

It’s a bit surreal” selves. "One of the things that will help is if we have younger people there, we’re not all going to wear scarves and brooches." That may be the case, but we do still expect something pretty specific from our representatives. Hearing my local MP use the word "minger", regardless of age,

somehow doesn’t seem right.

Won’t she reconsider getting a brooch? "I’ve had a lot of scarves that people have given me as presents but I just don’t know what to do with them.

They get in the way."

It may only be one month into the new Parliament, but as a smaller party the Liberal Democrats offers up career possibilities sooner than others might. Jenny is already the spokeswoman in Parliament for the Welsh Liberal Democrats on health and education, as well as an interest she’s keen to develop in international development. At such a young age, though, can she see herself settling into this job for the rest of her life?

"I don’t know. I’ve only been doing it for three weeks, and I’ve enjoyed it so far. I get at least four years. The good thing about politics is it’s different every day. It’s not boring, you don’t get stuck in a rut ."

It’s been that kind of enthusiasm and approachable nature that helped her win last month with such a massive majority.

The next few months will see whether that can be sustained through the political grinding of Parliament.

Lessons from Eurovision

By Andrew Rennison

T

he Eurovision Song Contest, that bastion of one continent’s civilisation, began in 1956 as a way of further uniting a still warweary landscape. This year’s 50th anniversary in Kiev proved the unifying worth of its formula, as with a few exceptions every entry fell into the category of either sex-orientated pop or hypobolic farce.

Yet for us Brits sitting on our sofas, never can we feel such detachment as when watching this annual spectacle.

Admittedly, one man is at the heart of this. Not that anyone would dare to deride the legend that is Terry Wogan, but his overwhelming cynicism as he oversees Eurovision year on year could put every political commentator in the country to shame.

Yet as we here in the UK soak up Wogan’s irreverent attitude to each contestant, you can hear the faint yet unmistakably serious tones of the foreign commentator sitting next to him. For nearly every nation but ours, Eurovision is a serious business.

Following their triumphant victory with a singer and song that were remarkably similar to our own, the Greeks held a three hour press conference. Not minutes, hours. The Brit squad shrugged and went home.

Eurovision is however not

simply a cultural clash but a political statement. That Javine’s twin can get 212 more votes with essentially the same tune represents a pair of middle fingers sent our way across the Channel.

The UK is to Europe what the crust is to a pizza: officially a part of the whole yet at the end of the day detached and thus ignored. We just don’t really fit.

Differences have been more obvious in recent years. The Euro for example: nobody likes the idea but the actual reasons why it is foolish for us to adopt are often ignored.

Eurovision is not simply a cultural clash but a political statement One big issue is that pretty much all the Euro countries have the same structure of housing market, but ours is different, being tied closely to our interest rates. Under the Euro, interest rates are put into European, onesize-fits-all hands; a degree in Economics isn’t needed to foresee the abyss that would ensue.

The more recent wrangling over the UK’s EU budget rebate offers a further illustration of

our alienation. Though Britain is still one of the largest net contributors to Brussels, the £3 billion rebate was secured under Thatcher’s Conservative government – a government that managed an economy with all the stability of a one-legged giraffe.

Say what you like about Labour, but the current UK economy is enjoying a steady period of prosperity, with less than half the unemployment of Germany and none of the general strikes afflicting France.

Though its complete abolition is perhaps going too far, Britain can no longer justify the same level of rebate it had during the boom and bust of the eighties.

The more the UK sticks to its guns, the more every European wants us shot. Our closest neighbours are fed up with our refusal to adapt and are simply sending this rejection right back at us; Eurovision is a case in point.

But so what if the Channel is gradually widening? We’ve never really been big fans of the Frenchies or the Krauts, right?

Let alone those new guys from the East, who we seem to commonly associate with prostitution and burger vans. But even for the xenophobes among us, there is a frightening political alternative to consider.

Every step away from Europe pushes us one step closer to America.

When did this horrifying transition begin? Maybe it was Thatcher and Reagan getting all

cosy, or perhaps Blair and Clinton getting cosier still.

Maybe Iraq was the key to the path we are taking. Whatever the root cause, we seem to be taking that path regardless.

Now nobody needs this explaining to them. We may not love them dearly but we made friends with France and Germany because they’re our kind of size, and, deep down, our kind of people.

If school taught us anything, it’s that you don’t punch above your weight: if you’re cool, hang with the cool kids, geeks with geeks, and so on and so forth.

America has nearly five times more people, spends nearly nine times more on its armed forces, and calls football ‘soccer’. It’s like the short, nerdy kid making friends with the overweight class bully.

Some refer to the UK’s blossoming political relationship with the US as being like the older, wiser Ancient Greece acting as an angel on the shoulder of the new and powerful Rome.

Look what has become of Greece.

Personally, I never want to see a Brit hold a three hour press conference following Eurovision success.

The option of making amends with the EU may seem to be just the lesser of two evils, but the day we say an outright goodbye to Europe and turn our eyes full west is the day we start taking Eurovision seriously.

Freedom without chaos?

By Caleb Woodbridge

O

ne of the dilemmas of society is getting the right balance between law to control behaviour and license to make one’s own decisions - while both preserving freedom and preventing chaos.

One extreme of ruling is totalitarianism, where everything is legislated on, controlled and commanded. While this may produce order, it is at the expense of freedom. On the other hand, without any rules, with complete license for everyone to act as they please, the only result will be chaos. How can we seek that most elusive of states, freedom without chaos?

Western society is in moral decline, and something has to be done about it

The recent BBC2 documentary The Power of Nightmares argued that both radical Islamic terrorists and rightwing American neo-conservatives have in one respect something remarkably similar in their views of the world.

They believe that Western society is in moral decline, and something needs to be done about it.

Time for a very rough and

generalised history lesson: Western society has held on for years to the morals of the past, based largely on the Judeo-Christian heritage, but no longer holding any religious or philosophical beliefs that can justify these. By now, our society faces a fragmentation and breakdown of shared morals.

This is not to say that there was some golden age in the past, only that there tended to be a broad consensus on what people thought to be right, whether or not they actually kept to it. But without this to act as a common ground to work from, the possibility of a free society becomes more elusive. And with questions of crime, lack of respect and the like hitting the headlines, you have to wonder whether the extremists have a point.

What are their solutions?

On the one hand, radical Islamic terrorists want the destruction of supposedly corrupt Western society - using terror and destruction to remove the cancer gnawing at civilization and to scare people away from that way of life.

The second solution is scarcely any more appealing a manipulative elite using powerful myths to unite society under their authoritarian rule. The neo-cons of America have sought to create a Big Myth, fusing American nationalism, right-wing politics and religious fundamentalism into a heady mix. This is seen among the intellectual elites of the movement as a pragmatic necessity to preserve society, rather than something necessarily true. Meanwhile, important thinkers and policy makers have openly begun to express the view that we must

NEO-CON: Politics of American nationalism

be prepared to sacrifice personal rights and liberties in exchange for personal peace and security.

Is there then a third way, or is humanity doomed to flit between various stages of tyranny or chaos, with only brief illusions of a free society? Between law and license lies "Unenforceable Virtue".

Freedom without either tyranny or chaos can only exist through the free and willing commitment of the people to unenforceable values - to a moral goodness that we follow not because we have to, but because we choose to.

If law becomes the arbiter of what we consider right and acceptable, then what is right and acceptable becomes merely a matter of the arbitrary

The weaknesses of Western society need to be faced up to decision of society at any given time. You may wonder if this is this such a bad thing.

But consider some of things societies have deemed acceptable. Nazi Germany decided that the Jewish were subhuman and it was right to persecute and exterminate them.

Can we just shrug these evils off as part of those cultures?

Can’t we condemn these evils?

The weaknesses of Western society need to be faced up to, but at the moment only extremists are really doing so.

There needs to be a moderate voice for reform of our society. The problem is, by definition a free society can’t be forced. The neo-con "Big Myth" is an attempt at a unifying belief, but by seeking to impose it politically, it merely becomes another form of tyranny. The fate of our society lies in the free decisions of all the individuals that make it up, and individually each of us seem near powerless.

I’d like to think that we can continue to steer that delicate middle ground of freedom between tyranny and chaos. I’d like to think that moral, religious and philosophical truth, which we can follow as unenforceable virtue, is discoverable. If not, the alternatives are unappealing: tyranny in the name of order, chaos in the name of liberty or whatever lie we find most palatable in the name of society.

Editorial & Opinion

June 6 2005

Page 17

opinion@gairrhydd.com

“Duck-off” Knight

Is free university at all fees-ible?

By Fernando Sucre

F

JAMES KNIGHT: Does this man possess a smie you know you can trust and depend on?

By Dan Ridler

I

t’s finally come down to this. So soon after the ineptitude, lies and halftruths boldly rejected by students supporting the ‘stay in NUS’ campaign, the man behind the movement that more than 70% of voting students put their trust in has let us all down.

The day that the Welsh Assembly announced that they would not be introducing top-up fees was a great victory for sabbatical teams and campaigners across Wales, not least of all our own. A final victory following the (shh, don’t mention it) disaffiliation drive, Gary Rees himself declared to gair rhydd last week that this motion was a "Duck Off Fees campaign success". Despite clear suggestion that this was a movement masterminded by the Welsh Conservatives to further their own political agenda rather than a motion forced by a pressure group, we ought not to rain on his barbeque. There is no doubt that, whoever wishes to burden the happy responsibility, this is a huge victory for students in Wales.

Victory equals happy students. Run with my odd logic for a minute, and one would naturally assume that if students are happy with this result, then a national union of aforementioned students would be equally happy.

Continuing this vaguely sound reasoning, we can follow that the president of this Union might also be happy. Especially if the organisation has an outward no-fees policy, one which they are proud of and trumpet on regular occasions.

Interestingly, one of these regular occasions was during the anti-disaffiliation debate, but I digress.

It was therefore a complete surprise when the President of NUS Wales James Knight was quoted in an email to assembly

members directly before a Welsh Assembly debate urging the representatives not to hastily discount the issue of fees but rather to wait and read the report, entirely (ahem) out of courtesy.

Actually, not such a complete surprise from a Labour supporter, but certainly a demonstration of single-minded disregard for those he was supposed to be serving. Knight is guilty of at worst placing party politics before student wishes and welfare, and at best misrepresenting a course and forgetting, or perhaps ignoring, the limitations and responsibilities of his position.

Some, possibly if pushed, even Knight himself, might argue that there were good reasons to wait for the Rees report into funding Higher Education in Wales.

Many if not most or possibly all vice-chancellors of Welsh universities believe that top-up fees are the only way forward, and concerns have now been raised over how the university is going to be able to keep up with the major English institutions reaping in the extra cash from top-up fees. Could the future see Cardiff sliding down the university rankings? Have students scored a knee-jerk victory without truly considering the implications? Quite possibly, but that is a debate for another column.

This is, however, entirely beside the point. Knight does not represent the vice-chancellors. He is not appointed to his post to be a maverick protector of the future of Welsh universities. He is there to keep NUS strong in Wales, to represent Welsh unions’ presidents’ views and to uphold the primary feeling amongst the student body.

That would all lead to only one thing, rightly or, tragically wrongly: no top up fees. At the NUS winter conference Knight was mandated to do whatever was necessary to fight top up fees. With that mandate, the

activity of NUS Wales has been somewhat un-inventive, culminating in this flaccid gesture of courtesy. They were hardly going down "all guns blazing".

I voted against the disaffiliation proposal because I am proud that Cardiff is a strong voice in a powerful national union and I dislike the power politics of a top-down rebellion that emanates from the sabbatical staff. I wanted a strong NUS, fighting for student concerns, not a headless institution writhing with the infighting of party politics. It seems as if the figurehead of the National Union we voted for has let down the students it pertains to represent.

Knight acted against the principles of his organisation. He acted without support of the students.

Presidents who believe they can act without widespread consensus are, and will be proved, wrong. So it must be for James Knight. He has already been branded a ‘lame duck’ leader and his position has been described as untenable.

As long as a man who blatantly flouts student wishes and union policy in the face of widespread discontent that remains, NUS Wales walks a tightrope. The disaffiliation result would be closer today than in March; there is no doubt.

Individual university union leaders cannot be expected to co-operate, trust and work with a man who potentially is either untrustworthy or simply bungling on a ridiculous scale.

Knight’s position is not untenable, if he is determined to stay then he probably could. If he ever gave a damn about NUS Wales or the students he represents though, then he should leave.

Sad as it is to say, it’s time for James Knight to do the hounourable thing and go.

Resign JK. The last thing the NUS needs now is an enfant terrible.

ree university for all is a very nice ideal. At the beginning of the twentieth-century, Europe was the foremost centre of knowledge. In less than 50 years, the US overtook Europe to become what is now the number one destination for learning and research.

This assertion is supported by numerous university rankings.

In the list produced by The Times Higher Education Supplement (THES), the US has twenty universities in the top fifty; Europe has thirteen.

There are many factors that have contributed towards this major shift in academic prowess: the damage of two World Wars, the dominance of the English language, cultural differences and many others.

But, sadly for many idealists, the main cause has been the funding system.

Money encourages lecturers to teach, it pays for the newest research equipment, attracts PhD students, provides the necessary teaching facilities for courses etc.

There is no way around this fact. American universities decided to embrace the capitalist model and have since charged tuition fees.

European universities, or in

I

s no one else starting to feel slightly cheerless by the consistent ‘other-ing’ of one another? It seems to be now that in order to feel better about ourselves, we position our identity against others, so that we can feel superior to them. Who deemed it justifiable to create categories from which to authenticate our worth?

The most prevalent example I can use is the recent fembot debate, which has worn so thin that it is now transparent.

Instead of letting it rest in the trash from which it originated, ‘Self-Confessed Fembots’ have chided away in revenge. The creation of the manbot serves only as further ‘othering’. It is an creation of a nemesis from which to elevate their own attacked identity. But this shows only weakness, as does the discrimination we show to people who wear band customised tshirts, or like-rock-when-reallythey-shouldn’t-because-theydidn’t-5-years-ago-when-I-

liked-rock.

Instead of bothering to understand (least of all leave in peace), why some men dress as as manbots, or women as fembots, or why someone is a fan of something, it is easier to ridicule and categorise what we think is inferior.

This boxed-in bollocks runs rife throughout university - a place you might least expect we would never want to be seen as trying to create distinctions of elitism. Our university ‘cliques’ that we pretend are not really ‘cliques’, continue on through the ‘othering’ of degrees: the need to defend English or Journalism in gair rhydd, because somewhere along the way someone decided to root Mathematics as being more worthy.

And how to be a fan of a band that becomes mainstream is to be deemed as ‘selling out’, and not authentic as a music lover. If we are not knowledgeable about the bands in Quench, then really we should keep schtum about music… right? The mainstream is so very divided from the alternative, even by way of categori-

sation, so some of us shy from who we really may like; this is not exactly the freedom of expression I had envisioned.

And somehow the very subject of feminism remains ‘othered’, within this academic space where discourse should free the term from cultural ignorance.

But to agree that feminism has yet to complete its objectives is to be ridiculed, to be associated with age-old misconceptions because no-one bothers to understand where this ‘other’ comes from. Just as heterosexual males are quick to pit themselves against the ‘meterosexual’ male, because the latter has become an affront to their own masculine identity, and challenges cultural norms.

I too am a fan of certain groups, certain clothing and certain attitudes, and I’m sure I too have unconsciously ‘othered’ others in order to make myself feel more worthy. However, if we carry on discriminating against others by way of casting ourselves in a better light, our heads are only going to get unnecessarily bigger.

“A student who is paying £10,000 per year to attend university will be encouraged to work harder than a student who is paying £300”

long until the effects on the economy became evident: more tax evasion, more rich people moving to ‘tax havens’, more companies relocating to Eastern Europe, less foreign investment and so on.

And, in a few years time, universities will ask for more money and we will be right back where we started from.

The truth of the matter is that a centrally planned system (i.e. the British university system) is not able to deal efficiently with the complexities of the intellectual industry.

Besides more funding for universities, tuition fees also bring the more subtle, and debatable, advantage of motivation.

A student who is paying £10,000 per year to attend a university will be encouraged to work harder than a student who is paying £300. It is simple human nature.

This cost-benefit approach is one of the main problems in Germany where higher education is still free.

Many undergraduates overly enjoy the student life, perform poorly and end up taking 2 or 3 years longer than needed to graduate.

This in turn overpopulates the institutions and prevents other students from taking the necessary modules to progress at the normal pace.

A debt of £9,000 is a bleak

“So why not raise taxes like the Liberal Democrats suggest?”

prospect for any student.

However, Labour’s proposal of paying it back in a number of years at a very low interest rate and only after earning over £15,000 should more that offset these fears.

It is unjustifiable to complain about these issues when the average student spends £20 per week in the pub and travels abroad at least once a year.

England has taken a step forward by introducing top-up fees.

It is now up to the Welsh Assembly to ensure that universities in Wales are able to compete with their counterparts in England, the US and the rest of the world.

Sticking to old socialist principles will only push universities into the degenerative cycle of under-funding and mediocrity.

I would rather see Cardiff University ranked in the world’s top 50 list than hundreds of students drinking the Taff dry at the end of every semester.

Je t’aime, chocolat

By Sophie Robehmed

Is there an-‘other’way? W

By Farah Ahmad

many cases European governments, decided to adopt a socialist model and to obtain funding from taxes.

The result is today’s situation.

Governments across the globe face similar problems when it comes to allocating money. As the old economics maxim says: scarce resources for unlimited wants.

The same happens with the higher education system in the UK. The government struggles to maintain a balance between keeping taxes at a reasonable level and provide enough money for universities.

So why not raise taxes like the Liberal Democrats suggest?

This alternative may work in the short run, but it would not be

e all know that phrase. That widely said yet endearing saying: ‘A dog is a man’s best friend’. I know ‘man’ can represent both men and women, but at face value it can appear to be a gender specific expression. So hypothetically speaking, if that were the case, who could be counted as a woman’s best friend?

I can certainly think of an extremely worthy candidate: the chocolate bar. I know that girls are suppose to want diamonds, but really, who wants them when you can have your own jewel for as little as 10p? Now I’m not going to go over the top or melodramatic about this by saying that chocolate has the ability to literally save your life because that would be, quite simply, daft.

But, it was when I was standing mesmerised by the impressive array of sugadaddies (of the chocolatey-treat type, thank God, not the lecherous, grotesque hirsute medallion men variety), in the Talybont shop when it suddenly struck me. I was not alone. I was joined by five other girls similarly tormented by indecisiveness to choose their own sex god that we were going to, at first, savour and enjoy until we change tact in a disturbingly Jekyll and Hyde manner, where we rip open and

consume our victim with explosive passion.

We smiled at one another and as strangers, felt united by our state of cold turkey having not had a well-earned fix that day.

After all, essays and exams are times of high stress that noticeably induce hankerings more intensely and quickly. Despite my jesting, chocolate might have saved one girl’s life that day who exclaimed, "I think I will die if I don’t have any chocolate now".

Exaggeration is an amusing device, yet in all seriousness, in my experience, chocolate seems to be something that women crave (and not just at the ‘time of the month’ as males often irritat-

ingly dub that hellish period).

Guys I speak to feel bemused by these cravings I speak of and why as girls, we often make a special chocolate trip to the shop. This is not a frivolous girls trip to the bathroom; it is a necessary rite of passage that must be taken, except of course, on a more regular basis.

Yet, we all know chocolate contains high levels of seratonin; chocolate gives you that ‘boost’ (no chocolate pun intended) when you need it quickly without prescription.

Now, I know I cannot make a generalisation that all women adore chocolate because many are not ‘sweet’ people but ‘ooh,

JUST A CHOCOLATEY SNACK: Because size matters

like a bit of savoury’ instead. For these women, often crisps are their downfall and one other friend.

I wish to make a confession that I am an inhuman sized mouse. For me, at those frequent ‘savoury’ moments (when you’ve eaten far too much chocolate and need to eat something savoury to prevent any chundering from occurring), cheese fills this void like nothing else.

I toil earth, wind and fire (I know, what are the chances, this seventies sensation really do try to stand in my way) and an antinfested, vile kitchen to ideally nibble (because ‘I’m a laydee…and stuff’), but alas, it is more like scoff my block of Tesco Value cheese. I am somewhat concerned about the state of my arteries considering my penchant for wonderful cheese.

As long as this selection of junk food is of course eaten in small doses, there is no reason why at those times of need, they cannot be rays of sunshine in our lives. But, observe well: the next time the girls are complaining from a tad too much self-indulgence in their best buds – Mr. Chocolate et al, the guys will be moaning of yet another hangover whilst they quite possibly, wriggle uncomfortably from overexertion of their right-hand, an unconventional but arguably best friend nonetheless, of the male species.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 18

June 6 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Mystic Mar t’s Horor scopes ! By Martin Kemp Stargazer

A

s an avid reader of my own stars, and a proud member of the astrological ‘elite’ who collected their 36 tokens from the Daily Mail to claim their copy of Jonathan Cainer’s Book of the Heart, I feel I am more than equipped to show poor, dear, cynical, star-neglecting readers the prophetical power of astrology through the medium of ‘horoscopes’.

In doing so I hope also to enlighten you all with a few planet-guided tips to help you through your week.

Aries

Mar 21st - Apr 20th

Listen up Arians (not Aryans - rams only if you please), you will have an encounter with an object or person bearing hair, which will alter your perception of something yellow. You have a deadline you are working towards; Venus in Jupiter dictates that if you have not yet begun your toil then now is the time.

Love: Your week will begin with an unexpected caller, who will either make you laugh or cry. Tuesday, however, will be a sizzler. Beware of women in pink hats as they have the potential to break your heart.

Failing that, eat an orange.

Taurus

Apr 21st - May 21st

On Friday you will forget how to sit down. Don’t worry however, your friends will show you that it is possible to teach an old dog a new trick, in the form of an old trick which they have forgotten. By Sunday you will have conquered sofas and stools! This endeavour will prove to you the value of friendship.

Love: Kate Moss is not a Taurus, therefore this week do not be tempted to get engaged to a beautiful, yet partially retarded, crackhead however much you like their music.

Leo

Sagitarius

Jul 24th - Aug 23rd

Nov 23rd - Dec 21st

On Wednesday, a funny and pungent smell will form in a crevice of your body which you cannot locate and will remain till late June. The monkey in the sky suggests that you go and live a life of isolation. I hear that the Isle of Man is nice - and has its own currency! I know a vicar’s son who lives there, who got bullied at school and one lunchtime they wrote 666 on his forehead with a biro and it scarred so he has to have a really long fringe to disguise his imposed Satanism from his father’s congregation. I’m sure you could stay with himalthough - actually no, you smell. Alternatively, wash with a sponge as the moon makes its penultimate turn and all may be well.

Love: Possible love connection with a vicar’s son - watch out for nannies hurling themselves out of windows and anxiety from giraffes and other jungle creatures.

Sometimes I wonder about you, then I consult Zeus and he often says (mid-crumpet) that you are beyond the help of the stars, and that is true. You are destiny and that is what you will always be, there is no escaping the fact that you can’t escape yourself. But its not all doom and gloom - have some fun with it - fuck some people up, but no ‘happy slapping’there is nothing funny about that. Unless destiny wills it to be funny - hence, it’s your call, but it’s ill-advised.

Love: You tell me.

Happy Slapping: Most dogs don’t find it funny

Capricorn Dec 22nd - Jan 20th

Arnie: A Leo and a politician

Virgo

Aug 24th - Sep 23rd

Matthew Kelly will show up at your door needing a place to stay on Tuesday. DO NOT LET HIM IN. Respectfully tell him it has nothing to do with the kids but you lost respect for him when he slept with Jade Goody. Offer him a Jaffa Cake and then when he reaches to take one shut the door. Then persuade TV tycoons to let you do a come-back series of ‘You Bet’ and your future will rocket.

You have to be cruel to others to be kind to yourself this week.

Love: You will get married this week - Congratulations!

Matthew: Tempted by Jaffas

Libra

Get a haircut this week and you’ll come across a financial windfall. However, do not let this advice cloud your judgement. If you see a pound coin on the floor attempt to pick it up; if it resists, walk away, someone has stuck it down to make you look the fool. Take a pound coin from your own wallet and place it on the floor next to the other. This will prove to the prankster that money is no priority to you, and that his joke is an indication of his own greed and fooliness. Walk away the bigger man, having gained the financial windfall of pride.

Love:If you see someone stood weeping at the edge of a tall building coax them down and they will take your breath away! However, if you are in a relationship leave them to jump, the stars do not reward greed in love.

Aquarius Jan 21st - Feb 19th

You like pegs and all things wooden, but it’s time to branch out. Your water-like temperament is in danger of rotting what you love so dearly (metaphorically you understand, the stars always speak in metaphors). So you must either learn to stop being such a wetty, or learn to love plasticy things.

Ring your mum on Wednesday she worries.

Love: This one is the onescrew this up and you’ll either be alone for the rest of your life, or you will find someone else who’s nice, or you will marry your pub landlady/lord. If on the other hand you are single bad luck.

Gemini

May 22nd - Jun 21st

You and your twin are feeling restless, just because she’s two years older than you, doesn’t give her the right to put photos of you on the internet.

Remember on Thursday that talking dogs do not exist, but if he pays you a compliment take it graciously and leave before he urinates-the stars will it to be so….

Love: Read a good Mills and Boon (I recommend She Danced Until Her Bodice Came Off) to get your juices going, then go to a chat room and tell everyone you collect cardigansI think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at what the universe has in store for you.

Cancer

Jun 22nd - Jul 23rd

This week you will not get cancer. But you may contract thrush.

Love: You will find your soul mate this week. They will approach you and sing ‘Luck be a lady tonight’. They will wow you with their ability to hum the star wars theme back to front and sparks will fly.

Cream: Good for thrush

Refrain from purchasing a cordless toaster and cooking a lemon curd flavour Pop Tart in it on Tuesday, or else you’ll die.

Love: This is the week for you to put your passivity aside and go for it - seize the day etc.

We all know that you’re a shy little wallflower. But you’ve spent too long against that wall trying to blend in that you’ve not even noticed the equally shy hat stand, who’s smitten with you. Mars in Lidl is telling you that it’s time you became a hat.

Choose the type of hat that best reflects your diminished identity and be it, damn it (not a trilby, Librans can’t be trilby).

Now go get that hat stand!

Toasters: Dangerous on Tuesday

Scorpio

Oct 24th - Nov 22nd

Well, feisty pants, you’ve gone and got yourself in a bit of a wee preciament here. But don’t worry, come Thursday the stars will delign at 3 o’clock, which will be the optimum time for you to wash your sheets, and ring Sandy and apologise for telling Terry you had sex with him when you didn’t and that he didn’t remember because Sandy had drugged him. When you’re done your sheets will be too and you can stay in bed until October, when Pluto is set to turn and you’ll be welcomed back into society.

Love: Monday: Barren, Tuesday: Barren, Wednesday: Barren, Thursday: Moist but no cigar, Friday: barren, Saturday: Practice kissing on an orange like Summer.

Piers Horner defends his right to have an unquestionable faith in the sometimes questionable religion of Christianity

R

eligion may have had a somewhat unusually high profile in the media recently, including, of course, in the gair rhydd (I hope TV Desk has recovered from any recent trauma). It’s good to hear people expressing their beliefs. I can’t remember the figure for sure, but it could have been that up to 70% of people, even in the dear United Kingdom, which may be one of the most cynical countries on the planet, hold a belief in some kind of God. That’s a pretty large proportion, and you may have thought that there should be a reasonable level of acceptance of people expressing their religious opinions.

It doesn’t, however, always feel that way, particularly within the student community. As a believer in the Christian faith, I have, on several occasions, felt reluctant to express my opinions in full on a particular issue in which my religious beliefs have some relation.

And as a student of Astrophysics, this feeling may be even more acute. Perhaps deep within itself, science, or perhaps more specifically astrophysics, may view itself as in

P

competition with religion for a monopoly on the true nature of this thing we call reality and / or its source.

Strangely enough, I also get the feeling that this perceived lack of acceptance and my own

Science may view itself as in competition with religion discomfort when I hear religious views expressed is something that is pretty specific to Christianity. It affects me far less to hear a Muslim proclaim Glory to God, or to hear a Buddhist talking about Nirvana, than to hear somebody speak about the resurrection of Jesus Christ our Lord or to offer praise to God in His holy name.

Why is this? Is it true that most people in our nation, or in the student population are intolerant of Christianity? If so, why, and why is it so specific to Christianity? Is it because, for the last 2,000 years or so, at

least, Christianity has been the ‘traditional’ religion in our country? Is it a reaction to the authority that the Church used to possess? Is our acceptance of other religions over Christianity some kind of remnant from Imperialism – a lingering feeling that other countries are not as ‘sophisticated’ as the UK, and that therefore ‘uneducated’ belief in religion over science or other ‘world views’ is acceptable? Or do we think that, since religion often seems to flourish in poor countries, it is an understandable, if misguided, escape from the everyday troubles of their lives?

Well, maybe. Whoever may read this can make up their own minds about whether he/she feels, despite whatever principles he/she holds about freedom of expression, a certain distain for those who openly express Christian faith. It seems most likely, however, that the fault in fact lies with me.

My perception that Christianity is not widely accepted among other people could easily be a throwback to the time when I was myself a staunch atheist, with a firm conviction that science and not religion is the correct world view,

and perhaps even a contempt for religion, in particular Christianity. Do I recall that contempt, and fear that those I care for – my family and friends, for example – will hold a similar view of me, once they are fully aware of how I feel?

In truth, of course, it shouldn’t matter. My beliefs should be my beliefs, and should be independent of what others think of them.

My beliefs should be independent of what others think of them So this then is, if you will, my confession: that I believe that God is great; that he is the Almighty, that Jesus Christ is His holy Son, who was crucified and was raised to life again.

Glory be to God, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, forever.

May we all praise Him, through Jesus Christ, now and in the future.

James Emtage’s Student Stereotypes Pheobe: the undecided graduate

hoebe has just completed her three year joint-honours degree in Journalism and French, and is duly waiting for that ever important day – her graduation – where she can pick up what she hopes will be a 2:1 grade in recognition of her good ideas, continued motivation, and general hard graft.

This is the moment she’s been aspiring to since embarking on her GSCEs all those years ago, with the ever glistening golden carrot of a dream job, dream house and dream car being dangled in front of her for almost seven years, which would only ever be a stone’s throw away once she’d got that all important degree.

And now she’s there. Now she’s made it. She’s standing at the peak of the hill, the tip of the mountain, looking over the vast expanse that is ‘her future’ all neatly laid out in front of her, awaiting for her to jump in with both feet and embrace the life of fully fledged adulthood.

However, she’s not exactly chomping at that career flavoured bit just yet, and is by no means ready for that most feared label, ‘the graduate’.

Pheobe, on the other hand is,

making the most of watching guilt-free day time TV, savouring that last ounce of ‘studentism’ for every possible moment. It has, after all, been her norm since she was a fresher.

She’s not so much ‘careerminded’ right at this moment.

Instead, she’s going to get herself a nice little job in the tea rooms back on the coast of Devon where she grew up. In fact she’ll probably be working with a lot of the people that she went to school with, which will be nice. They’ll all be able to swap uni stories, and reminisce on the days of not having to pay tax.

Her ‘wild and adventurous’ travelling plans aren’t exactly taking shape yet either.

Remembering that she has an overdraft of £1300 to pay back to HSBC this summer, she’s decided not to attempt the voyage to Africa and South East Asia, but is going to go to Glastonbury in Somerset instead.

She’s putting off going home until the very last day of her tenancy, as she knows that as soon as she walks through the door she’s going to hear that dreaded question that every graduate fears: ‘So, dear, what are you going to do now?.’

That, combined with her two

least favourite words, ‘work’ and ‘experience’ are, she imagines, going to be her dad’s most popular things to say to her for the month of August.

She’s still popping into the library from time to time.

Since handing in all her deadlines she’s suddenly realised that for the past three years she’s had free and unlimited access to such a vast wealth of literature, including so many of the novels that she’s always wanted to read. She

‘So, dear, what are you going to do now?’ wonders why she’s never made better use of it, but is adamant that she’s going to get her two pennies worth between now and the 30th of June, the day her NUS card runs out.

Ahh, her beloved NUS, she thinks to herself as she lovingly looks at it in the queue to the loans counter. She must remember to get all those things from TopShop before her discount runs out.

Idly chatting to an old course friend one day about his Masters in Journalism that he’s

going to start in September, she suddenly thinks that perhaps a second degree isn’t such a bad idea after all. I mean, it would probably help her get an even better job if she could graduate with that as well, and there’s no harm in being a student for a little bit longer, is there?

As she plans how she’s going to phrase this new idea of hers to her long suffering parents, and re-shuffles her layout on her CV around (the tea rooms have asked for a copy for their files), she convinces herself that she’s not quite ready to leave this comfy little nest of Cardiff just yet. I mean, Medics get to stay students for five years, why shouldn’t she get to do one more.

And another year would be good, as she really would use that time to check out career opportunities, do mock interviews, save up for travelling, work off her overdraft, and read all the books she’s wanted to.

Lets’ face it - she’s got to do something else. For she can’t graduate into the ‘real world’ knowing more about the storylines of Desperate Housewives than knowing how to make those first crucial steps onto the inevitable career ladder.

Oral sex in the age of deconstruction

Sep 24th - Oct 23rd

Kate: Not a Taurus

Glory forever be to God

By Lindsay Gowlett

Give your mum a ring on Wednesday

Pisces

Feb 20th - Mar 20th

The fish. My orange and white fish died because I didn’t clean its bowl. ‘Why are you telling me this?’ I hear you cry, ‘this has nothing to do with me’. This is not mere blurb disguised as metaphor to fill out your section- noooo. You will soon see the error of your ways and learn to listen; or else the stars may align and decide not to clean your bowl out.

Love: Like you deserve it.

Go screw fish.

That said., point proven I think Caleb...

Fish: They die if you don’t clean out their bowl. And if you take them out of water.

D

econstruction is not a quasi-transcendental term in a mythological druid order of lexical dialects. We deconstruct our environment everyday, it basically means that all texts are valid and any reading can have any interpretation, thus, this is my reading…

Today, fascists masquerade as moralists creating propaganda heightening fear of the unknown. They’ve stripped away the childish curiosity from the great "What if…" and turned it into a sadistically twisted paranoid term whereby everyone’s a potential serial killer and merely smiling at a child earns you the label of a "paedophile".

Resulting in an Orwellian Big Brother surveillance system penetrating and impregnating our magic bubbles with terror leading to the normalisation of this unnatural phenomenon.

Gone are the days where a cup of tea is a soothing aromatic warm liquid, now rapaciously hijacked and transformed into the transnational pseudonym for Marvin Gaye stylings, where the kettle doesn’t even reach a simmer! No longer are we happy with each other, we are on the continual quest for the embodiment of that universal concept: The Right Thing within an increasingly fragmented society where our expectations have been risen so high that everyone is set up to be like the rain, born to fall! We whore ourselves to each other in search of not merely a star but an entire constellation of them. We have such fluid relationships with each other

that the exchange of fluids is a blasé encounter, non-contractual or cementing. I believe we are social beings born to experience each other, to live and learn as much as possible, but it’s a shame that the fundamental aspect of our survival as a species is always inadequately represented by any medium. It cannot be captured, thus, an industry which retells an old story rips it from its context, makes a shallow incision into the wound bloodied with degradation and ambiguity and only recounts the cultural moment which spawned it.

We sexualise our youth at younger and younger ages to such an extent that being a kid is out of the question and learning how to "please him" and "make him yours" takes over teen magazines. The latter of these discourses has become quite an amusing feat for me because I instantaneously combust into a beetroot complexion, which is redder than a childs smacked bottom, and to add to the painful ordeal I turn into a babbling buffoon resembling a jibber jabber as smooth as a walrus. If the universe had any mercy it would swallow me whole mid-sentence.

Alas, there is no such humanity in the world and I look like a proverbial twat rushing off glowing more than the mishmash outfit I’ve salvaged from my floor which a rainbow has vomited on, hoping the cause of such an ordeal found it endearing rather than prattish. This is generally due to the other person having already seen me jay bird style, climaxing with the walk of fame/shame. "Where’s the courtship?" I hear your nana cry… well, my housemates

would respond that it doesn’t exist anymore but I’d like to be more optimistic due to still being stranded on the raindrops of my childhood dreams. Although, the practitioners of such incidents tend to be abducted by three-legged space chickens into a parallel universe leaving us

with the belts off, trousers down maelstrom.

Life is an eternal blowjob, you have to approach it with a positive attitude and really want to get something out of it to enjoy it, or you’ll end up going through the motions viewing it as a laborious task.

Kerry-Lynne Doyle’s

ROOM 101

T

he streets of Cardiff have been invaded.

Swarms of people move in a mass of stripes and primary colours.

Armed with claxons, painted faces and scarves, the crowds have arrived.

They are ready for war and they aren’t afraid to show it.

This war is noisy, messy and a general pain in the arse for anyone living in Cardiff.

The sound of the claxon is the signal for city residents to scurry indoors. The aural equivalent of a laughing hyena, after one ear-blistering parp, curtains are drawn, the television gets cranked up to full blast and the city centre is avoided at all costs.

When I first moved to Cardiff I found the football fans curiously charming. Their hopeful brightly-painted faces and the strange air of solidarity that settled around the town intrigued me. The buzz of the pre-match city centre was a new experience and I felt happy to be part of it.

The novelty wore off when I was woken up by the claxon parade on a Saturday morning.

I soon discovered that living on Colum Road came with the benefit of regular performances by the football fans. The sanctuary of a weekend lie-in was burst by the claxon calls and the dull, undistinguishable drone of their chants.

It is the fans’ refusal to blend in that is so infuriating.

They don’t need to demonstrate their lack of singing skills or use a claxon to make their presence felt – their football strips, hats and apparel are clues enough. Yet they still feel the need to invade and conquer the city with their inane behaviour.

Human nature evolves backwards an eon or two for the fans to embrace a primitive state of howls, grunts and animal behaviour.

While not every fan adopts this behaviour when supporting their team in Cardiff, a more than significant proportion do and this proportion should have their claxons and associated colour coded apparel surgically removed and replaced in an altogether more appropriate place in their anatomy. i.e. up their AR*E!

Letters

June 6 2005

gair rhydd

letters@gairrhydd.com

Founded 1972. Number 790

Corrections and clarifications

Something of the Knight

In Speeding Policeman last week Dan Ridler suggested the officer would have covered half a kilometre in two seconds. This is clearly not correct, the time is closer to seven seconds.

NUS Wales

WHEN WELSH Assembly members voted by a majority on a motion to reject top-up fees, the student movement had every right to feel proud of itself. But now, rather than celebrating the historic victory, a major row has developed – a row that threatens to shake NUS Wales to its core.

At the centre of this row is NUS Wales President James Knight and his actions or inactions in the run-up to the vote. Five of the biggest student unions in Wales have already written a letter calling for his resignation, as well as submitting motions of censure to NUS National Council.

Several Assembly Members have also, at the very least, expressed surprise and disquiet at his actions. None of this makes for a united union and nor does it enable NUS Wales to stride forward until this issue is resolved.

The problem stems from an initial press release from NUS Wales calling for a “cease-fire” on fees until the Rees report was published. Yet Cardiff, and other student unions, called for no such thing.

Knight claims this was out of courtesy to professor Rees. Such actions are, at best, naïve and, at worst, a betrayal of the wishes of his grassroots members. The Interim Rees Report gave a clear indication that a fee system of sorts would be recommended and it is difficult to see how delaying a debate on the issue would have strengthened the anti-fees cause. When faced with a carpe diem moment, you do not pause for courtesy, no matter how much respect you have for you opponents.

James Knight had clear policy from his members to do everything he could to fight top-up fees, but the press release alone was far from clear as to NUS Wales’ intentions. Indeed, several Assembly Members have confirmed to gair rhydd that this press release was confusing as to which way NUS Wales wanted them to vote, with many interpreting this as a call for politicians to vote against the motion, rather than for. It appears that combined lobbying from individual unions did more to sway the vote of AMs than any communication from NUS Wales.

Knight has claimed to this paper that once he realised the strength of feeling amongst his members NUS Wales did everything they could to lobby AMs on the top-up fees issue, but still the actions of his organisation are less than clear. If he really wanted to clarify the issue and ensure Welsh politicians were in no doubt to the stance of NUS Wales, why was a second press release not sent to clear up any confusion? Why do some Assembly Members from a cross-section of parties make claims ranging from having no communication from Knight or NUS Wales, bar the initial press release, to going as far as to say they believed NUS Wales wanted them to vote against the motion? It is no wonder union presidents are angry with Knight when the very people NUS Wales were supposed to be lobbying are not clear what they are being lobbied to do, or even if they have been lobbied at all. The people criticising Knight are not just those who did not support his campaign for re-election – they are the politicians he is supposed to have a strong working relationship with. Taken in conjunction with his claim that NUS Wales was constantly lobbying for the motion, these allegations contradict Knight’s explanations to the point where some people could conclude he has lied.

An NUS Wales President who has neither the support of five of the largest student unions in Wales, nor the confidence of the politicians he is supposed to be lobbying does not make for an effective leader. The longer this drags on, the more harm will be done to the organisation. If Knight resigns now he can still leave with some dignity intact. Alternatively he can wait until his one last chance to reverse this situation – the second topup fees vote on June 21. If this vote is won he may just about be able to cling onto power. If it is lost and the mood is unchanged then his leadership will have been irrevocably damaged and the organisation he heads, a toothless body. It is a huge gamble to stake his career on this vote. Is this a risk Knight, or indeed NUS, can afford to take at this point in time?

University Security

Not safe as houses AT THE BEGINING of the year gair rhydd reported on the shocking security failure at Gordon Hall which meant anybody with a credit card and criminal intent could break into the student accomodation.

Although that fault was quickly fixed our investigation shows there are still major lapses when it comes to securing student property. The majority of students our reporters spoke to had either been victims of burglary or knew of somebody who had been a victim. From a random sample, this seems disproportionately high.

The university has acted quickly to fix all the security failings we discovered, and for this they should be commended in their swiftness of response. But, as with Gordon Hall, this is a response that should never have been required and gair rhydd should never have had to discover.

The most shocking aspect of this investigation was how easy it was for our reporters to gain access to four halls of residence over the course of just one day. Had our intentions been any less than benign there is no doubt we could have made away with thousands of pounds of equipment. The security failings also raise serious questions about student safety in halls.

Of course, some aspects of security cannot solely be laid at the feet of the university. It is difficult to keep checking that students don’t prop secure doors open or leave valuables lying in insecure areas, i.e. on open windows. Part of the responsibility is on the students to be more security concious when it comes to access to their accomodation. Sometimes, as a student, security is not the first thing on your mind when you prop open a door with a fire extinguisher or other such implements, but nonetheless, taking a moment to consider the security implications will help everybody.

Similarly, the university has claimed the prob-

lems with the ground-floor windows in Senghennydd Court were the result of students tampering with the safety mechanism. If this is the case, then again the students must take responsibility for their actions. But, at the same time, in the university is concerned about student security, then they should fine tthe flat and move to repair the windows. A fine would discourage students from doing it again, but this is no excuse for the university to leave the damage unrepaired. It is simply no good to wait until a break in before admonishing blame on the students, even if they were at fault for the initial misdemenour.

Another sorry aspect to this saga is the high levels of security at the private Victoria Hall.

Students may be paying less for university halls but this does not mean they should be less secure.

If Victoria Hall can get the levels of security right, it is not a lot to ask the university to bring their’s up to the same standard. In this day and age of a competitive marketplace students will come to the conclusion that even if they have to pay extra they can at least get peace of mind. The university must show itself to be committed to the safety and security of all students if it is to retain not only their trust, but their business as well.

Now the summer months have arrived it would be prudent for the university to carry out a full security review of all halls of residences and act to rectify any faults in advance of a new semester.

Such actions would show the institution to be taking a proactive lead rather than having to take a reactive stance following gair rhydd reporting.

The newspaper takes no pleasure in having to resort to the tactics used, but if students are safer and problems are solved as a result of our investigation then this justies any such actions. The currnet security failing may now have been fixed but the onus is on the university to ensure this does not happen again.

New ice rink

Skating on thin ice THE PROPOSED PLANS to relocate Cardiff’s National Ice Rink, home of the Cardiff Devils Ice Hockey team, to a temporary site at Sophia Gardens, adjacent to Glamorgan Cricket Club, will mean a drastic reduction in the amount of open space available to Cardiff residents.

With the proposed site being opposite the popular Pontcanna playing fields it is likely to affect the high numbers of students living in the area more than most, and with the estimated timescale set at between three and five years temporary hardly seems to be the right terminology.

The issue has come to public attention in recent weeks due to the beginning of scheduled redevelopment of the existing National Ice Rink into a new shopping centre, the justification for which must surely be hard, even when looking at the issue from a purely financial perspective, one has to wonder how many more retail establishments Cardiff city centre can physically support?

The worry is so great that it has prompted local residents to set up a dedicated website (www.savebutepark.blogspot.com) with information on the proposed plans. Amongst them is Cardiff University School of Journalism lecturer Dr Sara Gwenllian Jones who has joined others in voicing serious concerns about the effects the project will

have on the surrounding area. It is clear that a project of this scale, estimated to cost in the region of £2.5 million, cannot be considered viable without the crucial support of associated industries. In this case a not insignificant amount of car parking for the Cardiff Devils 200,000 plus annual fan base, as well as the inevitable influx of fast food and convenience outlets that will be drawn to the sudden creation of a brand new captive market.

Apparently moving ahead without adequate public consultation over the scheme, the newly elected Liberal Democrat Council seem to have already authorised further investigation of the projects feasibility in a recent Council report entitled, ‘Major Infrastructure Projects beyond 2005’.

The proposal has, rightly, been condemned by Plaid Cymru as hypocritical due to its obvious contradiction to the Liberal Democrats environmental policy which promised to protect Cardiff’s public spaces, not infringe on them further.

Although redevelopment and progression is an essential part of any modern city, unless planned properly to reduce the effects of the transition on institutions such as the Cardiff Devils, it could be viewed as somewhat as a regression. There seems to be little point in improving one area of Cardiff only to move the problem to another area as a result of poor planning.

Page 19

Please email your letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necessarily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

Dear Mr Knight It is with much disappointment that we write to you with regard to your actions, and indeed, inactions, over the course of the past ten days concerning the fight against the introduction of further fees into Wales.

We are deeply troubled by references to you in the Welsh Assembly Plenary Meeting on 24 May 2005. We are further troubled by your failure to galvanise political, student and CM support against the principle of fees.

On November 13 2004, our sovereign body, Winter Council, passed policy to oppose the introduction of top-up fees. The policy notes the mandate for NUS Wales to actively fight against such moves to introduce fees.

This week NUS Wales had the opportunity to fight fees, and it didn’t. This is in clear violation of the policy you should have adhered to.

Wales needs strong political leadership. Wales needs an NUS that listens to its membership.

Wales needs an NUS that will proactively campaign against fees at every opportunity and work with any party to secure that goal.

NUS Wales is a democratic organisation that works from the ‘bottom up’. In the past few days you have acted centrally, failed to consult and have released a press statement calling for a ‘cease-fire’ over fees.

You have been mandated to campaign against fees and you failed.

You have an executive, who you did not mobilise.

You claim to represent student views, you do not.

The Guild of Students in Aberystwyth and the Students’ Unions of Cardiff and Swansea were proactive. These Students’ Unions, in knowledge of the incredibly short deadlines mobilised themselves and were down in the Assembly, proactively talking to AMs and galvanising support for the principle of no fees. We have been told by a number of AMs, that NUS Wales, to the contrary, were encouraging AMs to stay out of the debate. Well, this is quite clearly in violation of policy.

Unsurprisingly, the Rees Commission proposed fees this week. Had the Students’ Unions not have been active, the vote in the Assembly lost, it would have been much harder to stop fees in Wales.

We were entertained to note in your press release that you then came out against fees. A Uturn in 48 hours is not what we expect of a national leader.

Your action in failing to follow a very explicit policy, your action and inaction, leads us, with sorrow, to pronouncing our lack of confidence in your current leadership of NUS Wales and resultantly call for your resignation as NUS Wales President for 2004/5 and ask you not to take up your role as NUS Wales President for 2005/6.

Yours faithfully, Bethan Jenkins Aberystwyth Guild of Students Dan Hilton Swansea University Students’ Union Rhodri Lewis Swansea Institute Students’ Union Gary Rees Cardiff University Students’ Union Jamie McIndo UWIC Students’ Union

A great ‘letter of the week’ to end the year. I won’t spoil the surprise. Have a fantastic summer and see you next year.

I have read a lot of letters/articles in the gair rhydd recently about peoples’ opinions, taste in music and fashion. Here I am referring to Jule’s and Charissa’s spat about fembots/rock-chick, wear-whatyou-want-to and Caleb’s articles on astrology/horoscopes and people’s "right to be wrong".

Don’t all of these articles boil down to the same thing – a person’s right to do what they want, wear what they want, listen to what they want and perhaps most importantly believe what they want. I have met my far share of fembots, music-Nazis, menbots and puritanical preachers, all of whom are perfectly free to spout whatever they want whenever they want, to whoever they want to. I’ve heard all the arguments about Oasis – "the best band ever", the Red Hot Chili Peppers "selling out to the mainstream market with their By the Way album". Not to mention the endless parade of menbots and fembots that stream to and from Park Place everyday (and isn’t it interesting to see how like attracts like…hmmm…I digress), and yes, we can all see that their hair is immaculately styled and perfectly "messed up" (isn’t that an oxymoron…or is oxymoron a synonym for men/fembot?), and yes we can all see that they all found out that TopMan and Topshop were having a sale on and decided it would be great to all get the same clothes. And yes, we too can get caught up in an argument that is a bit too intellectual for 9am seminars and that borders on a meeting of Pope Benedict XVI, Nietzsche and "that drunk bloke I met in

the Taf".

But, in the long run, does it really matter? I mean, I like Oasis, got all their albums, apart from the new one, I like By the Way, the more I listened to it the more it grew on me, I occasionally spend more time than is necessary on doing my hair, which always ends up looking the same, even though I tried to do something different with it this time.

I like arguing. It is good fun, especially arguing with people who are so sure of their own opinions that they won’t ever be convinced by anything else, these people give me some small pleasure – yes, I laugh at them, but never outwardly, I’m laughing on the inside. To get a bit more specific, I’d like to quote Caleb Woodbridge’s letter "Clairvoyant cry", "I respect others right to hold their own beliefs. [Good, you are doing well here, scoring points…] But that doesn’t necessarily mean I respect what they believe".

TALK ABOUT DROPPING A CLANGER! (In my opinion he dropped a clanger anyway…)

I mean, what can we all agree on? People are entitled to their opinions, WHATEVER they may be. (And Caleb, Ms. Voyant can believe in both Christianity and astrology, it is not contradictory, it is just her choice, just because you don’t go in for astrology, it does not make it wrong). Just to highlight – I personally do not believe in astrology or Christianity (of any form), in fact, I might describe myself as an atheist – SHOCK HORROR! Does that mean I am wrong?

No! Of course not, I am just exercising my right to say and believe what I want. Of course there are people that disagree with you, but I am a firm believer of the "Whatever works

for you" philosophy. If you want to believe in Christianity – go for it, I’d be happy to argue Creation theories (that’s Big Bang stuff, not the bar) with you.

If you want to spend all of your student loan on the latest mini-skirt from Topshop, I’d be happy to look at you in it, if you want to spend hours waxing lyrical about the genius of [Insert band name here], then I’ll be happy to listen to you.

Just because your opinions are different to mine, it doesn’t mean that they are any less important. Just because I disagree with you about something, it doesn’t make me a less credible person, no, it just makes me different.

In closing, people are entitled to believe in and do and say what they want. In my opinion (which differs from Caleb’s – OH NO!), we should respect other people’s beliefs. If I didn’t respect Caleb’s belief in Christianity what would that make me? It would, I think, make a ‘not very good human’.

And besides, doesn’t Christianity teach its followers to be tolerant?

Finally, and yes, this really is the end of my small rant, isn’t the fact that we believe in something more important than what we believe in? I know not everyone agrees with everyone else about everything all the time, but just think how boring the world would be if we all believed in the same way.

People are allowed to be different and individual, and we should respect people’s beliefs as well as their right to have them.

I’m now off to not only spend 30 minutes doing my hair and a whole couple of hours choosing my outfit for tonight but more importantly than communing with nature, reading the stars/tarot/my own palm, I’m trying desperately to decide what to listen to…

Thanks for letting me rant.

Dave Hoare, Soon to be Year 2.

Letter of the Week will receive two free cinema tickets courtesy of Ster Century Cinemas, Cardiff. They will be available for collection from the gair rhydd office

Tired of Attire I just want to express my dissatisfaction with the selection of ball attire facing Cardiff students.

My flatmates and I are really looking forward to this year’s Cooper’s Field Extravaganza, but are left totally uninspired after our revision-break trips into town to find the perfect outfit. I refuse to spend the best part of £100 on a drab Oasis/Warehouse/Monsoon ensemble only to turn up and face the embarrassment of seeing ‘your’ outfit on someone else. (or in last year’s case, on half the other ball-goers…)

I realise I could be leaving this a little late, but if anyone could offer me any advice on avoiding this season’s sea of Seren-blue chiffon wearing masses, I would be eternaly grateful.

Yours hoping.

Becky, 3rd Year Biz Admin

Blatant plug alert *cough* Fashion Desk favourites BowHo have created a line of one-off dresses, skirts and accessories especially for the summer balls - now selling in Drop Dead Budgie, above the Antiques’ Centre in Royal Arcade, The Hayes. With prices ranging from £40-£60 this might well solve your problems. Jeez, I could do Dr. Matthew’s job.

(No you couldn’t - Matt)

Language Barrier Just a note to express my mild frustration at the absence of any reference whatsoever to the Urdd Eisteddfod in the latest issue, apart from a typical "haha what a silly language, nobody's watching this" snarky comment next to S4C's coverage in the TV listings.

The usual wisecracks about the language are to be expected, but in this case you're just betray-

ing your complete ignorance of significant cultural events in Cardiff.

About 150,000 people are expected to visit the Urdd Eisteddfod down in the Bay during the course of the week. It's probably the largest youth festival in Europe, which is no small thing.

This is a really big deal for all of Cardiff (it's going to be held here every four years from now on, after all), not just our "backwards language", yet the vast majority of Cardiff students probably still have no idea about it and are missing out on something that could be a real eyeopener for them.

I realise that gair rhydd has an "if you want something covered, write it yourself and send it to us" kind of policy, which is fine, but I just assumed that this sort of thing wouldn't be ignored.

Cheers, Dylan Llyr

Text 07791165837

matt wilkin caught in gassy jaks gettin very friendly with sexy blonde... what will beri say? ur busted wilko u love machine

hospital for a fanny transplant but the operation has to be put on hold as the replacement cunt is still reading this text message

Mr chemistry loves lisa and really cares about her but can’t say anything hope this helps alex

A good friend will bail you out of prison, but best friend will be sitting next to you saying “that was fucking awesome”.

Does anybody know the namd of the hot librarian in the business library? I love her Where is quench? I can’t survive without reading ‘blind date’ Everybody in 1st year Earth, rich damages jen x.

A woman is rushed into

55 degrees north is most likely newcastle since thats where the prog is set!

DORN Jules thorpe smith owns a copy of ‘soft rock classics’.

Fact.

Keep h.t locked up in a box to open after exams!

Self-Indulgence 2004/5

Page 20

June 6 2005

weoughttoknowbetter@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd and Quench - a year in the life Most office appliances destroyed: Will ‘Damage’ Talmage Best headline: TV John (‘28 Gays Later’) Worst headline: Gary Andrews (‘You’re Fee To Stay’) Triumph Against Adversity Award: Taf-Od Sleeping Your Way To The Top Award: Alys Southwood Sleeping Your Way To The Bottom Award: Dave Doyle Simon Weston Award for Media Controversy: TV Manners’ stinging attack on the recently deceased Pope John Paul II Goading The Public Award: Mr. Chuffy - ‘Domestic Violence as a Competitive Sport’.

Short Fuse Award: Dicken ‘Taxi Terror’ E-Fit Culprit Award: Menon Goalhanger Award: Geordie (who’s hanging around doing knoball as I write. As per fucking usual).

Girls Aloud Stalking Award: Robbie Lane Most creative use of the phrase ‘Harold Shipman’: Dave Adams

l e v

e r u

a Tr at

Fe

Alternative Media Awards

“Contracting diseases” (Dave Doyle - News) “Mocking Hullfire” (Gary, Our Beloved Leader) “Picking my girlfriend up from school” (Ridler - News Monkey) “Cursing proof-readers” (John - Spurt) “Sleeping with other men” (Jon - Music) “Fisting/fishing” (Airs - Spurt) “Behaving myself... and making in-jokes” (Jimbo - Quench Editor) “Warring with Catholics” (TV Manners) “Eating jaffa cakes... no, sometimes-Hob Knobs” (TV Grace) “Trying to get my own section” (Menon - Cult Hero) “Using my thesaurus” (Craig - Film) “Nto macking a fus abut mey dislecsia” (Elgan - Taf-Od) “Under the thumb” (TV Willy) “Growing an ass forest” (Big Al - Film) “Snapping” (Dicken - News) “MIA” - Astle, Southwood, Lewis, Dicken, Wooley, Menon

This year we have mostly been...

Free Stuff

June 6 2005

competitions@gairrhydd.com

Supersized Special!

grab!

Page 21

Supersized Special!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

WIN EVERYTHING ON THIS PAGE*

WELL, HELLO and welcome to the ultimate prize extravaganza. It’s sooooo big you can’t even hold it all. In celebration of this being the final gair rhydd edition of the year, grab! has super sized, along with the rest of the paper, giving you more than twice the amount of prizes than usual. Oh, how I spoil you all.

I have very much enjoyed spoiling you lovely lot all year and it

* Exc

is with sad regret that I head out into the real world and get a real job. However, don’t fret, my successor is more than worthy of the job and those of you who took a peek at the page last week will see that come September, dear Megan will not disappoint.

If you fancy any of the amazing stuff on the page, please email me at the usual address. Have a great summer/life. I miss you already. Blub.

e Sorr pt John ny y, bu belo I’m ngs to t he m bad at s e and harin g

GET YOURSELF TOGETHER

NOW IS the time of year when you say to yourself, if only I had done that coursework six months ago; if only I had started revising three months ago; if I had the time I would have started it all a year ago.

Well, with this lovely prize you really don’t have any excuse for such ‘if only’s.’ The new Palgrave Student Planner 20056, priced at £5.95, is the complete self-management tool designed especially for students.

It’s the only planner to offer study skills advice, diary pages structured to help with time management, and plenty of space for personal information in a practical and attractive format. From assignment deadlines to budgeting personal finances, washing symbols and space to write in favourite local take-aways, The Palgrave Student Planner 20056 will be an essential purchase for all students wanting to

manage their lives effectively.

It’s written by Stella Cottrell, an inspector for the Adult Learning Inspectorate UK, who specialises in study skills, dyslexia and educational development. She’s also the author of the best selling book The Study Skills Handbook and Skills for Success: The Personal Development Planning Handbook. So you are certainly in good hands with this one.

You never know, if you manage to sort yourself out enough, you might just get the amazing social life you have always wanted, meet the partner of your dreams, save all your loan, put it into one of those high interest rate ISAs and become a millionaire, get a first class degree and become the most beautiful and desired person in the whole of Cardiff. Don’t be so cynical chaps, it could happen. Maybe.

Here at grab! I have managed to get my hands on five copies of the wonder book, just because I would like to see more beautiful millionaires around Cardiff city centre. To get your hands on one of these life changing beauties, all you have to do is answer this really easy question: How much does the Palgrave Student Planner 2005-6 cost?

Enter in the usual way.

IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL FOR THOSE travel bunnies out there this is the perfect thing for you. With summer coming I’m sure your feeling the itch to jet off to some exotic location and backpack up some mountains.

However, with your student loan wearing thin I bet a helping hand cash wise would certainly enhance your travels. This is where I come in.

I have managed to get my hands on two Lonely Planet guides, which will help you get round top holiday destinations Australia and America for minimum cash. How good am I to you?

Travelling on a shoestring

doesn't have to mean threadbare experiences. With the first Lonely Planet guide I’ve nabbed, you can journey from one farflung corner of Australia to another, and from New Zealand's northernmost fingernail to its detached southern toe with the latest edition of Australia and New Zealand on a Shoestring.

With the help from the second guide up for grabs, USA and Canada on a Shoestring, you can experience the world's third and second largest countries, both offering heartbeat-skipping moments on the countless miles stretching from sea to sea, for a third of the regular price.

Are you not excited already?

This summer you could see the towering skyscrapers of New York and Toronto, the Opera House in Sydney, the glittering lights of Las Vegas, and have a champagne breakfast on Ayres Rock as the sun rises, all very cheap thanks to these wonderful guides.

To get your hands on them simply answer the following question: In what American state is Disney World? Enter in the usual way.

hour – so that’s why my room is so dusty. !" If you joined all your blood vessels together end to end it would stretch two and a half times round the earth. ! Your lungs would cover the

TO KICK start the prize extravaganza, I have not one, not even two, but three PS2 games to give away. The absolute perfect thing if you have finished your exams but want to keep those idle thumbs busy.

The first PS2 game up for grabs is Cold Winter. With its extensive attention to detail and hyper-realistic game play dynamics. Cold Winter is built specifically with the idea of creating a PC shooter experience for the console audience. Players can become British M16 agent Andrew Sterling, expert in the kind of covert operations the public doesn't believe proper governments engage in. As the M16 agent, you have been caught spying in China and are now awaiting execution.

The government has denied all knowledge of your activities and is leaving you to

die - Eeek.

However, a friend from your military past arranges your escape and later employs your unique talents at his private security agency.

Your first mission, to eliminate an arms dealer who supplies terrorists, propels you on a course where nothing is as it seems.

Duty, honour, and allegiance are obscured as you become snared in the machinations of a powerful-but-deluded secret society.

Ohhh, sounds exciting, just the perfect thing to help you escape the tedium of revision. To win a copy of Cold Winter on the PS2, simply answer the following mega-easy question: What is the name of the main character in Cold Winter? Enter in the usual w a y .

T OUGH G UYS

A SUMMER OF FREEDOM TO FINISH off the prize extravaganza, it is with great pride that I announce this wicked campaign from PlayStation (I get on with them very well, as you may have noticed). Simply entitled Freedom, the campaign will comprise of four separate sub-themes, (Free to Speed, Free to Fight, Free to Move and Free to Party), each taking in everything from music to movies. The Freedom campaign will highlight PlayStation’s evolution into something not just to play games on, but to play with.

To promote Free to Party, there will be spontaneous karaoke parties at bus stops across the country, using the PS2’s critically acclaimed SingStar software, as well as a tent at Glastonbury alongside Vice magazine and a tranny sing-along at Bistrotheque’s Cabaret Rooms in London.

Free to Fight will include sword fighting displays* and a pimped-up tank* while Free to Move will provide an innovative new take on keep fit.

Free to Speed will give people the opportunity to train as racing drivers.* To find out where and when all this activity is taking place couldn’t be simpler – just head to www.playstationfreedom.co.u k for all the latest information on PlayStation Freedom in your area.

And as if this summer-long fiesta of fun and frolics was not enough, how do you fancy

winning unlimited travel for a year? Bognor today and Bombay tomorrow? All you need is a camcorder and your imagination, as Playstation are on the look out for the ultimate summer weblog. To enter, simply go to www.playstationfreedom.co.u k and register.

If, for some bizarre reason, jetting around the world for free doesn’t whet your whistle, how about spending a week with your best mates, sun beating down and a cold beer in hand, crusing the waterways of the UK for a week in your very own narrowboat? It’ll be like Wind in the Willows, but with booze and, err, no talking animals. To be in with a chance of winning, again sim-

ply go to www.playstationfreedom.co.uk and register.

The Freedom campaign will come to head in September, when PlayStation will take over Thorpe Park and Alton Towers for a weekend long, well, party, basically. Expect games, music, competitions and a healthy dose of highoctane rollercoaster action.

What are you waiting for?

Get onto those sites, enter all the fabulous competitions and discover the next event near you. Have fun kids and enjoy your summer of love. Sorry, freedom. *Individual elements of the PlayStation Freedom Summer are in the planning stage and are thus subject to change.

area of a tennis court if they were stretched out. !" The hydrochloric acid in your stomach is strong enough to eat up stainless steel razor blades. ! Fresh urine is cleaner than

THE SECOND PS2 game up for grabs is Fight Night Round 2 phew, how are you ever going to have time to go out with all these free computer games?

Ah well, you will probably save a packet on alcohol expenditure anyway.

Fight Night Round 2 is now available on your student network, so you can release any pent up exam frustrations by clomping some tough boxers in the face for free in our lovely Union. Sounds appealing.

The sequel to the huge Fight Night PS2 game, Fight Night Round 2 features over thirty licensed boxers, including cover star Ricky Hatton. Fight Night Round 2 allows you to perform like a champion and with the all new Haymaker feature you'll be able to take your opponents down with the just one blow. This year's game also gives you the power to Create-a-Champ of your own.

Test your boxing skills by challenging the all-time legends of sport and stay in it for the long haul by taking care of those nasty cuts and swollen eyes with the Cut-Man feature. The power of the punch is in your corner this year. Oh yes.

So whether you’re a million dollar baby or an ear-nibbling Tyson wannabe, head down to your Union for some fisticuffs action, as Fight Night Round 2 is released on the PlayStation 2 Student Network.

To celebrate I’ve managed to get a copy of Fight Night Round 2 to give away, just to wet your appetite. To be in with a chance of winning simply answer the following question: Which British boxer was famous for his deep laugh and manager called Harry? Enter in the usual way. (Clue: it was Frank Bruno.)

MAKE ME BLEED

Rosie and Jim it up on your own Narrowboat

S hock-ing behaviour

AS THEY enjoy shocking us, and not just with their unbelievably potent alcohol, After Shock have launched a new campaign to shock us with disgusting information about our own bodies.

Some disturbing truths include: ! Humans produce enough saliva to fill two Olympic-size swimming pools in a lifetime.

Useful for swimmers. !"

The average human releases 17oz of gas in a day, although some release a hell of a lot more than others. !"

Blood sucking hook worms inhabit 700 million people worldwide. EEUUUUH. !"

Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every

Playstation Mania

spit or the skin on your face.

Nevertheless I still don’t understand people who are able to drink pints of it. Dare or not, that’s minging. ! More than 100,000,000 micro-creatures live in your mouth at any one time. So next time you say something stupid when your drunk, say it was the micro-creatures talking. ! On average there are 32 million bacteria on every square inch of the human body.

Which is comforting really. I mean, you never have to do anything alone. ! Neanderthal man’s brain was bigger than yours, although I would argue that the modern person’s brain is like the modern computer: small, compact yet super fast, power-

ful and intelligent. Now, doesn’t that make you feel better?

To help you take your mind off these hideous and shocking facts I’ve got a great competition for you to win yet another bottle of After Shock Black.

I’m just throwing it at you all.

With a combination of cranberry hot and cool it’s sure to get those taste buds tingling with a pure moment of After Shock.

For a chance to win, simply email the address above and tell me what is the most shocking part of your body and why. The funniest one wins. Come on you medics, astound me with your knowledge.

ANOTHER LOVELY PS2 game making its way to our Union student network is The Punisher. Yep, the spin-off computer game from the film.

Play this game and you can take on the role of Frank Castle, aka ‘The Punisher’, a vigilante with an unhealthy enthusiasm for revenge. And you can do it all for free and from the comfort of your Students’ Union.

Based on the Marvel comic of the same name, ‘The Punisher’ is a man driven by a hatred of crime that borders on the insane.

Frank Castle became ‘The Punisher’ in a bid to take on the city's high-powered crime lord.

He wreaks havoc on the corrupt with methods reserved solely for those on the wrong side of the law. The Punisher video game represents the best of over 30 years of Punisher comic books and depicts some of the grittiest storylines in the Marvel Universe.

Features include interactive environments with over 100 custom ‘hot spots’ to interrogate criminals using a never-before seen combination of physical force, character interaction, and the environment to coerce them into coughing up valuable information. Sounds like such a nice,

friendly and cheery game, don’t you think?

To celebrate such raw brutality, as you do, I’ve got a copy of The Punisher to give away. If you fancy giving up your social life and sanity by entering into a state of immense violence that seems to be integral to all the computer games I’m giving away this week, simply answer the following question and you could get yourself a free The Punisher PS2 game.

Spoilt rotten, you lot are.

Which Pulp Fiction star appears in The Punisher movie?

Enter in the usual way.

And the Winner is...

Paul Edwards, who has got his hands onto a pair of Alton Towers tickets, well done. Big congratulations to Megan Conner, Rachael Jones, Marie Walker and Nicola Burns who have each got their dirty mitts on a pair of summer ball tickets each. Have a great night, my loves. I will contact you when your prizes are ready. If you have a prize outstanding, don’t fret. I’m currently weaving my magic and will contact you before the year is out.

Television

Page 22

June 6 - 12 2005

ringydingdingdingber@crazyfrog.lastlaugh.com

This week’s knobbing Crazy Frog to your TV Coldplay June 6 - 12

Frig Brother

TV John’s guide to our new lab rat friends

HOT

TV Gareth & TV Manners After an en-masse flying of the nest by the rest of TV Desk, Gareth and Manners have been dutifully manning the TV Desk donkey. Everyone give them a big clap. Actually, this is Manners’ LAST EVER TV DESK. He’s off to teach little children. Make of that what you will.

SOAPS THE best British soap right now is most definitely Emmerdale. Down on the farm this week things are sure to kick off with craggyfaced mentalist Cain’s daughter Debbie giving birth to her and mother murderer Andy’s child.

Now, be sure to bear in mind that Debbie is only about 7 and Andy’s a farmer and Debbie’s father is her mothers cousin, and I dare you to miss it. Or for other such incestuous activites just get down to your nearest farm. No TV licence necessary.

Corrie’s got Shelley still in solitary confinement at the pub, Sunita’s all pregnant and stuff and Jack is trying his best to avoid amorous Vera’s wandering hands, in favour of his pigeons. Good man Jack. You know where you stand with a pigeon, and if it gets too much one paracetamol will see the bastard off, wheeras with the fat lump Vera, you’re gonna need a prescription.

SO THE MOST revolting bakers dozen since Billy Bunkum popped his zits into the sausage and bean “melts” in Greggs have been dished, and so here’s the dirt.

First up, I’ve got a spot that cannot be softer for poncey Tory toff Derek, bless him. He’s going to have a tough time in there, the poor lamb, but if he talks to himself over breakfast and comes up with some more made up greetings-card poetry to ease his tired mind, he’ll be cool.

Similarly, the Geoffrey Boycott of the Yorkshire hood Science is one of the more ridiculous beans to be popped from the BB pod, I’m growing to like. Coming across as a hybrid of Andre 3000 (his “Good day to one and all!” entry to the house was surely inspired by Dre’s English gent characterisation), and Del Boy Trotter, and with a mouth bigger than the Nile Delta. Plus he hates Kamal, which admittedly isn’t exactly a taxing thing to do, but it’s a good way to win my vote.

Speaking of the bonkers Turkish polysexual prick, Kamal has really put the cat among the pigeons in the house in the first week. Essentially last years arse-head Marco with a wig on, spoilt brat Kemal appears to have an acute knowledge of how to get on everyone’s tits.

Especially mine. Next please.

While we’re on the subject of tits, what’s so great about Leslie’s? She obviously knows something we don’t about them, hence the quantity of screen time she’s deemed it necessary to

TV Desk - Where are they soon?

TV Holly (left) - Holly’s sabbatical from the hallowed pages of TV has seen her touring filth festivals across Eastern Europe, she may return to gair rhydd next year, albeit in restricted capacity (pnaaar!)

TV Katie (second left) - Katie will graduate this year, leaving that burned-out shop on Woodville Road as her legacy.

TV Willy (stuck in the middle) - After bribing his way to the top, TV Willy takes over as Quench editor next year, only to be sacked after three months for a non-specific sexual incident.

TV Manners (pink hair, can’t miss him) After causing outrage with his misplaced vitriol, Manners will replace Richard Littlejohn’s Sun column.

TV John (smokey Joe) - TV John will remain at gair rhydd until he gets his lifetime achievement award. Or else gets promoted at MVC.

whip them out. Maybe they talk to her or something.

Who else is there? Oh yeah, puny little weed Craig who seems to want to get the views of himself across, and the views of his salon across. I’m presuming the views of his salon can only involve not allowing people to be more camp and outspoken than him, hence his crying fits and general toss-pottery because everyones more outrageous than he is.

The Boring Bitch Collective (Saskia, Sam, Vanessa, Makosi) are precisely that: boring and

VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY We’re nothing if not predictable...

As if we haven’t been wittering on enough about Larry David this year (there’s more to come, relax), next week sees the release of Seinfeld Series 4 on the medium of digital versatile disc.

TV Willy has only just had the first three seasons returned to him by TV John after about four months, a period in which he watched “about four episodes every day”. What can we say? It’s bloody brilliant.

Over the summer there is a veritable flutter of big releases, including Ray, Operation Good Guys (brilliant also), Martin Scorseses’s aboveaverage The Aviator.

Finally, the first season of Desperate Housewives is out soon. They’re going to struggle to beat it with the second. Peace out, Willy x.

2 1/2 Minute Fun fiveminutefun@gairrhydd.com

The Big Quiz* not anymore it isn’t

3. What’s the new Oasis album called?

A: B: C: D:

1. In which of these countries did Coldplay succeed in getting to number one in the singles char t?

A: B: C: D:

Germany America Poland None of the above

2. In the recently revived Doctor Who series, what can Daleks do that they couldn’t previously?

The Common Thread

Talk Fly Empathise Long division

Don’t Don’t Don’t Don’t

Believe The Truth Drink WIth Your Mouth Open Call People Their Names Wait For The Green Man

4. According to Billy Bragg, who’s/what’s to blame for British football hooliganism in the 80s?

(He didn’t come right out and say it, but it was heavily implied.)

A: B: C: D:

The UK Subs Thatcher Sham 69 Disaffection

Answers: 1.A, 2.B, 3.A, 4.B

?

A: B: C: D:

bitches, who I have nothing worthwhile to say about at all.

Sam’s big secret was that she likes to gets funky on a bit of fanny flapping. DULL. Cor blimey guv though, Sam ain’t ‘alf caught the mince pies of cockney twazzock Maxwell. I wish them a happy future together sending in scantily clad photos to the Nuts “slags I met on the lash” pages.

Roberto, the Wirral Womaniser only has to speak to make my insides convulse with mirth. How is this man allowed to teach when you can’t predict whether he’s going to growl metaphors of his loins like a voluptuous Venitian, or garble like a dribbling Liverpudlian lunatic?

Next: Anthony, whose brain is not only inside his trousers, but also has the same genetic construction as a pair of trousers. He’s a seventies dancer. As were Pan’s People.

Last but not least, mental amphibian Mary.

I’m going to be cautious what I say about her incase she puts a hex on me, but I think she’s great. I’m hoping she doesn’t do a Shell or a Nush and come out of the house flaunting herself like a fucking two-bit ho, but something tells me by the way she actually dressed up to use the shower, and enthralling potential to be an utter psychopath, she’s going to be one for us on the dark side to hubble and bubble over.

Rrrowl! Happy viewing guys my money’s on Little Lord Cuntleroy, Anthony as the winner. xxx J.

(one’s slightly different)

...

NOT

TV Grace, TV John & TV Katie Oh dear, oh dear.

These three slackers have disappeared to the following places. Grace Her Columbian crack den, Katie, a land called hon-a-lee and John has gone to watch Magnolia Electric Company in London. That one might be true.

Anyway, it’s good night from me, and...

SPORT Burn your bras folks, this week it’s Women’s Euro 2005 Football (BBC2, Daily). England are drawn in a Scandinavia-tastic group with Finland, Denmark and Sweden and of course this being the final stages, Wales are nowhere to be seen, despite illegally fielding girlie haired tosser Robbie Savage.

FILMS This week the classic film Brave New World (BBC2, Monday, midnight) starring Leonard Cohen of Star Wars fame. Evidently the film is flawed but the book is great. If it is shite then at least you’ll be too tired to do anything about it. For the more adventurous, watch Layover (five, Friday, 12.55am) which is an erotic thriller with David Hasselhoff. Great.

RADIO Both ends of the spectrum here kids. On Monday, for all your frog baiting needs tune into Steve Lamacq (Radio 1, Monday 9pm) to hear hot new indie-pop act Coldplay bash out some tunes from their latest critically masturbated over album, X&Y, live in London.

Oh Joy. And if you need more excitement for your weak, weak bladders, listen to Hello, We Are Coldplay (Saturday, BBC Radio 2, 9.30pm). On the other hand tune in to BBC Radio’s best thing since sliced Peel; Rob Da Bank. This week (Thursday, 23.00) the awesome French-Swiss-Scandinavian Herman Dune are in session with their lovely, lovely anti-folk. They’re bald, bearded and beer bellied but posess the most heartwrenching, truthful love songs.

BYEEE!!!

Answer: They are all former Guardian writers. They are, clockwise from top left - David Aaronovitch, Francis Wheen, Mark Steel, Ruth Kelly, Julie Burchill, and Melanie Phillips. Ruth Kelly is slightly different because unlike the rest, who continue to be journalists, she left to pursue a career in politics and is now a member of the cabinet. Apparently, Burchill left the Guardian because when she asked for a raise they offered her a sofa. She took this as an insult and a sign they thought she was fat and lazy. She has since lost weight and written a kids book. That’ll show ‘em.

Monday & Tuesday

June 6 - 12 2005

Page 23

TVJimbo@busmansholiday.com

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A

The Ripper Murdered My Mum BBC ONE 02.00

Desperate Midwives

Desperate Mums

BBC Three 21.00

ITV1 20.00

The Curse of Oil BBC Three 01.35

Joey five 23.35

2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 DELIVERED

Boogie Beebies

How To Be A Bully

Captain Scarlet

BBC Two 9.20

BBC Two 13.15

ITV 16.30

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with Andrew Castle and Penny Smith 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today: Lorraine Kelly with fashion, showbiz and lifestyle news.

9.25 The Springer Show. I Hate my Daughter!

Starring Bob Geldof, the Hiltons and Joan Rivers (Simpsons fans) 10.30 This Morning Including 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Too Many Cooks. (Subtitled) 2.15 Date My Daughter 3.00 Have I Been Here Before? Starring 10,000 men and Abi Titmuss.

3.30 Hilltop Hospital 3.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 4.30 Captain Scarlet, Instrument of Destruction (Part 2) Witness my scarlet instrument of ass destruction! With it, I plan to sodomise the world! Hang on, I might have read that wrong. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show Paul O’Grady is mad gay. With “hilarious” consequences.

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News News-feltch.

7.00 Emmerdale Steph struggles to find a job in the village, but finally accepts position of ‘Idiot.’

7.30 The Ferret I seen this one. It’s got trousers in it.

8.00 The Real Good Life Six weeks into the adventure, the cracks are beginning to show. Box of Kleenex at the ready then.

8.30 Fat Families STOP EATING! PUT THE FORK DOWN. STEP AWAY FROM THE FOOD. 9.00 Bad Girls Arun has a dark secret she is desperate to keep under wraps. I was trying to think of something funny for this, but I really need a poo, so - back in a bit.

10.00 Celebrity Love Island 2.35 British Touring Cars Championship.

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

6:00 CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Tom 6:50 Spacevets 7:05 Evolution: The Animated Series 7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Gordon the Garden Gnome 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 Boogie Beebies 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Rubbadubbers 10:30 Landmarks. The Caribbean Islands - Climate 10:50 Primary History. Tudor Life: Street, A Merchant's Story Starring Sir Alan Sugar.

11:10 Music Makers Babyshambles - only kidding! 11:30 The Munsters 12:00 The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Watch 1:15 Watch. Bullying: How to Be a Bully 1:30 Tennis from Queen's Liz takes her Wilson out and hits a few balls around - innuendo very much implied. 5:15 Weakest Link Menon.

6:00 Flog It! 7:00 Britain's Best Buildings.

8:00 Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00 Judging Michael Jackson 10:00 The League of Gentlemen “Hello Dave, could I speak to Dave please? You’re my wife now Dave!” (etc.)

10:30 Newsnight I was on this programme once. Looked fat, apparently.

11:20 The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy 11:55 FILM: The Thing from Another World Rik Waller wreakes havoc on Newport, with hilarious consequences. 1:20 Joins BBC News 24 Chance would be a fine thing. Gissa Job...

2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: Geography: The World 2000 Talmage: “I’m a fan of Polymer technics in general!” 4:00 Geography: The World 2000

five 06.00

6:00am The Hoobs Tula's having a bad Hoobyfur day. Hoobyfur is Hoobelly Groobelly but sometimes you just want it to do something else. Christ, this sort of thing makes me want to smoke crack. 6:25am The Hoobs And just in case I wasn’t already reaching for the pipe, here’s another one. 6:50 B4 7:15 Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45 Big Brother 8:35 Everybody Loves Raymond My grandfather was called Ray. He’s dead now, but we still love him. Perhaps, as you watch this rubbish comedy, you’d like to remember a dead relative too. 9:00 Will & Grace TV Grace has her picture taken by an eccentric photographer, who produces a flattering image that frightens TV Will into thinking he isn’t mad gay. 9:30 Howard Goodall’s 20th Century Chums Biggles, Ginger, and... Algie?

10:20 Tate Modern 10:25 From The Top 10:50 National Gallery 10:55 Rude Brittania Chavs and ASBOs. 11:25 Arrows of Desire 11:55 Re-Writing History: What If Windrush Had Never Docked? 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 1:30 What’s In A Word? 1:45 FILM: Edge of Eternity (1959) 3:15 4:00 Back In the Day 4:30 Richard & Judy 5:25 Big Brother’s Little Brother 6:00 The Simpsons Bobo 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 The Property Chain 9:00 Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares 10:00 Big Brother 10:50 Sugar Rush New drama series based on the novel by Julie Burchill. Teenage lesbians, yeah!

11:25 Sex And The City 12:00 Sex And The City 12:40 Today At the Tes 1:10 Big Brother Live 3:30 Big Brother Nominations

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

The Hoobs

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Time Team Special 09:55 Mind Your Manners 10:20 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip Two rich American whores piss and moan about just how terrible it is to be a rich American whore. 10:45 Point Pleasant: Unravelling 11:35 THE O.C. 12:25 THE O.C. This episode, pathetic fallacy is used in an unsubtle way. Rain and misery, that sort of thing. 13:15 Star Trek Enterprise 14:00 Channel 4 Racing Quickest way to lose money save setting fire to it. 15:35 The Airships 16:35 The Guardian Hay Festival: Three Authors in Search of the Novel Me and TV Willy were supposed to be going to the Hay Festival to see Bill Bailey, but Gary won’t let us (sad face emoticon). 17:30 Cyngerdd Yy Urdd 2005: Sain, Cerdd a Sioe Something something at the Urdd. 19:15 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 19:30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Canolfan Mileniwm Cymru 2005 Cystadleuaeth Aelwydydd yr Urdd o Ganolfan Mileniwm Cymru. 22:00 O Flaen Dy Lygiad: Dinas a Dyfodol 23:05 Tipyn O Stad

The Dead Zone five 00.30am

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet Is this like William’s Wish Wellingtons? 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley Stinking minge. 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Roobarb 08.20 Book of Pooh 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.15 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away Kim makes a stand over a nude centrefold. Say no more. 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 FILM: American Gun (2003) 15.40 Film: No Higher Love (1999) 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Big Ideas that Changed the World Germaine Greer on Feminism. Whoopie shit.

20.00 Who Killed Cleopatra?

21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 CSI: Miami 22.55 The Joan Rivers Position ‘Comedienne’ Joan Rivers offers advice to Jordan and Peter Andre: “Stop singing, keep taking your clothes off.” 23.25 101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets Miss America winner Vanessa Williams was disqualified for starring in porn. If you manage to downnload it, send a copy to TV Desk.

24.30 The Dead Zone TV Willy’s bedroom, if you happen to be an ant. 01.25 World of Rugby 01.55 V8 Supercars Hopefully, this will have something to do with vegetable juice and hotrods. 02.45 NASCAR - Busch Series Lots of cars go round and round. Sometimes they crash, and this is the only reason that dumb Yankees watch this shit. 03.35 Race and Rally UK 04.00 Motorsport Mundial 04.25 Major League Soccer

TUESDAY

6:00 Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Taz-Mania 4:00 50/50 4:35 What's New Scooby Doo? 5:00 Short Change Starring Jeanette Cranky (geddit!?!) 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Boyd realises that he's acting strangely. Janelle tries her best to reconcile with Dylan. Toadie sticks up for Eva. He’d just watched Evita, obviously.

6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Love Me, Love My Kids Starring HRH Ellizabeth II 7:30 EastEnders An unexpected visit from social services forces Pauline to face bitter reality - she’s far too old to be having triplets.. Garry and Minty have high hopes for their karaoke night.

8:00 Holby City 9:00 Cutting It Behind the scenes at a Bris.

10:35 ONE Life One love - not listening to U2.

11:15 Teen Angels I think I’ve already made the ‘Lindsey Lohan, Hilary Duff, the Olsens etc.’ gag.

12:15am: FILM: The Three Lives of Karen Carpenter, O and erm, Brady? 1:45 Sign Zone: See Hear 2:30 Sign Zone: Bailiffs They came round mine once. I gave them a sign all right.

Two-fingered salute. 3:00 Sign Zone: The Town That Wants a Twin And I want a banana. 3:30 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business And I’ll mind mine, ok sunshine?

6:00 Big Brother Live 2:55 Big Brother’s Big Mouth 3:25 Big Brother 4:30 Hollyoaks Mel's wrist is troubling her, but she can't remember what happened. Tossing off sailors again, no doubt. 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends What Willy doesn’t have outside gair rhydd 6:00 Big Brother Live 7:00 Hollyoaks Unlike Eastenders, this was never cool.

7:30 Big Brother’s Big Mouth 8:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 8:30pm Friends: The One with Ross's Wedding 9:00 Smallville Brand New Series: This week, Clark and Lana discover an abandoned baby in a cornfield and take him home to the Kent farm. See She Stole My Foetus - five (21.30) 10:00 Sex And The City 10:45 Big Brother’s Little Brother 11:15 Big Brother Live and so continues another day in the life of our very own Low Culture channel. In this page, for one day only, TV Willy and Jim have swapped places. Willy is now Deputy Willy and Jim is TV Jimbo. I wish I’d done this at the start of the year... Psyche!

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Roobarb 08.20 The Book of Pooh 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.15 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs This week: The Windsors.

12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: Columbo: Murder under Glass 15.35 Film: Perry Mason: The Case of the Ruthless Reporter 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Alf may have found the lead to his long lost son. Surely by son they must mean dog?

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Dangerman Adventures Starring Shaun Wright-Phillips 20.00 The Battle for Hitler's Supership What, like a big Nazi blimp or something?

21.30 She Stole My Foetus: Extraordinary People 22.30 Air Crash Investigation “They should definietely have not taken off with those two wings missing.”

23.35 Joey Crappy show about a baby kangaroo trying to make it after being kicked out of the pouch. 02.00 Alias 12.55 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing Could they make this any more dramatic-sounding? ”Immediate Fighting Menace - Danger Extreme Sporting Event!”

01.45 Boxing: Fight of the Week 03.00 US PGA Golf 03.50 2005 World Motocross Grand Prix 04.40 Argentinian Football Gotcha! Take that, General Belgrano!

PRIMETIME

19.00 Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World ...Is yours. This motif is featured in the film Scarface, and then ironically referenced in La Haine. I’m rather enjoying bringing a few highbrow bon mots to the TV pages. Perhaps I’ll give up my postgraduate diploma and do this full time. And perhaps monkeys and pigs might interbreed and take over Carlisle, claiming it an independent republic.

20.30 The Sky at Night 21.00 Closing Down Rover. Take my wife, please!

22.00 Film: "Monday Morning" Tell me why I don’t like Mondays...” So sang the Boomtown Rats. I once thought that I’d invented the idea of doing punk cover versions of Bangles songs.

Then I found out it had been done. A similar thing happened with Limp bizkit and George Michael’s Faith. But Bizkit are shite, so I had the last laugh.

24.05 Days That Shook the World 01.05 The Sky at Night Is pretty dark, hence the name.

01.35 The Curse of Oil I bet this is what Saddam Hussein is thinking.

6:05 Party Animals 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Big Brother 8:30 Everybody Loves Raymond Carver.

9:00 Will & Grace I watched this the other night, my conclusion? A bit cack considering how many people love it, but Will dresses pretty stylish like. 9:30 Howard Goodall’s 20th Century Legends Bodger & Badger, The Chuckle Brothers, Little and Large, The Animals of Farthing Wood, The Crazy Frog and, erm, TV Willy. 10:20 Tate Modern: Pharmacy 10:25 From The Top 10:50 National Gallery 10:55 Rude Brittania 11:25 Arrows Of Desire 11:50 Tate Modern 11:55 Re-Writing History: What If Footballers Never Became Millionaires? Range Rover might have gone bust a few years ago.

12:00 News at Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 1:30 The Violent Men 3:15 Countdown 4:00 Back In The Day 4:30 Richard & Judy 5:25 Big Brother’s Little Brother 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 Spirituality Shopper 9:00 E.R. 10:00 Big Brother 10:50 Shameless YES! A repeat of the second series of the best series in Britain. possibly shown just for me as I missed the last two episodes.

11:50 Today at the Test 12:20 4Music: Ben Folds YES AGAIN, live performance form the underrated songsmith who I think is touring next month. I would go but the nearest gig to me is in sodding Coventry. Knobs to that. 12:40 Big Brother Live 3:30 Big Brother’s Big Mouth

PRIMETIME

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with Andrew Castle and Penny Smith 7.00 GMTV Today 9.25 The Springer Show 10.30 This Morning 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Too Many Cooks Spoil the goth. 2.15 Date My Daughter 3.00 Have I Been Here Before? 3.30 Hilltop Hospital 3.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3.55 King Arthur's Disasters 4.25 Drake and Josh 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 Regional news round-up.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Family Album 7.30 Emmerdale 8.00 Desperate Mums: Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street Is the game finally up for Charlie when an old enemy returns and reveals Shelley's secret? She used to be an old man called Bob with a gambling habit.

9.30 Celebrity Love Island This is the revamped version of the failed ‘Celebrities Love Ireland’ show, which flopped because no-one really likes Ireland, apart from the IRA. 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Tarrant on TV Speaking of cack, here’s Chris Tarrant’s face.

11.30 Into the Danger Zone Tom Jones’ sweat towel.

0.00 FILM: Brave New World Aldous Huxley remake starring TV Desk fave Leonard ‘Cohen’ Nemoy.

1.40 Trisha 2.35 Loose Women 3.15 Bridezillas 3.40 Entertainment Now! 4.05 Desperate Mums: Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.30 ITV Nightscreen

P R I M E T I M E

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Spin City 9.55 Spin City 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Springer Show 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha Kiss me teet’ now! Rice and pea! Come on, when I say “Rice!” you say “Pea!” 4.50 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.35 Judge Judy 7.00 Spin City 7.30 Spin City 8.00 Married with Children This would be absolute gash if it wasn’t for the luscious Christina Applegate. 80s-style sluts are the best kind, especially if they’re in Poison or ZZ-Top videos wearing spandex and too much make up. Yum yum. 8.30 World’s Scariest Police Shoot-Outs Stay away from programmes with the title “World’s Blank-iest Blank” 9.30 The Contender I could have been one. 10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun 11.00 Coronation Street This street is made from curry powder, almonds, salad cream and raisins. 11.30 Coronation Street 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 2.00 World Rally Championship Parp parp! 2.50 Shakedown 3.40 Teleshopping 5.40 ITV2 Nightscreen

PRIEMETIME

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 EastEnders Revealed 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Desperate Midwives What for? Is there a baby shortage?

21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Can lead to all sorts of mischief, sometimes involving the taking off all your clothes and doing the nasty with people below your usual standard.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain Big France.

23.00 Ideal Deal what? Lots and lots of cocaine to small schoolchildren with scuffed knees.

23.30 The Brothel 12.00 The Brothel Two episodes ‘back to back’ fnaaaaar. 12.30 18 With a Bullet 01.30 Little Britain Big Germany.

02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Ideal 03.00 Teen Angels Charlie finally gets to fuck all three of them, under the pretence of ‘photocopier repair man.’

P R I M E T I M E

6:00: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Tom 6:50 Spacevets 7:05 Evolution: The Animated Series 7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory They should release a cover version of the theme tune for this by Devo. Baa-laa-moorrry, der der der der nerrrrr... 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Gordon the Garden Gnome When I was a lad, we had Gordon T. Gopher. He was shit as well. 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It This is (probably) like Project Mayhem, where Bob gets shot in the face, and the little anthropomorphic diggers and cement-mixers all stand around chanting “His name was Robert Paulsen, his name was Robert Paulsen...”

9:00 Tweenies 9:20 Boogie Beebies 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Rubbadubbers This sounds proper rude.

I hope it has something to do with prophylactics. 10:30 Look and Read: Spywatch 11:10 New Kid in Class 11:30 The Munsters 12:00 The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Something Special 1:15 Something Special 1:30 Tennis from Queen's 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Good Life Getting paid for getting laid I suppose.

7:30 Small Town Gardens 8:00 Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00 How Art Made the World As opposed to being Paul Simon’s hype man.

10:00 Vic and Bob in: Catterick 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Match of the Day: Women's Euro 2005 Highlights 12:00am: Joins BBC News 24.

1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Talk Greek 3:00 Rough Guide to the World's Islands

MONDAY

6:00: Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly.

12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather. (Digital Widescreen) 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Taz-Mania 4:00 Home Farm Twins 4:15 Mona the Vampire 4:35 Lizzie McGuire 5:00 Serious Desert 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Izzy digs for dirt on Paul and strikes gold. Well, more brown.

6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Outtake TV 7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce 8:00 EastEnders Kat starts to work her magic on the market. So she’s reduced to juggling in the street? Poor cow.

8:30 Traffic Cops 9:00 New Tricks Not featuring any old dogs, apparently.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News 10:35 One Foot in the Grave The other foot in Paris Hilton.

11:05 Men Behaving Badly 11:35 Black Jack Green Jean 1:10: Sign Zone: Private Life of a Masterpiece Tuesday: Got up. Had to pose for Michaelangelo again. 13 cigarettes. 3 jugs of mead. Not lost any weight - v. v. bad. 2:00 Sign Zone: ONE Life - The Ripper Murdered My Mum Crikey! What would you do? I’d be all like, “Oi Ripper, what did you do to my mother?” and he’d be like “I din’t do nothin’” And I’d be all like “you’d better not have.” 2:45 Sign Zone: DIY SOS Business.

STDENT SAVER 19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Set in TV Willy’s bedroom and starring some ants. 21.00 Little Britain Big testicles 21.30 Ideal Johnny Vegas is nearly funny, but not quite. I’m fat! Look at me, I’m fat and Northern! Monkey! Fat! 22.00 EastEnders What the hell happened to you, Eastenders? You used to be cool. 22.30 Ideal 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps and three bags of pork scratchings, six tequila slammers will make you puke your ring up.

23.30 The Brothel 24.00 The Brothel A day in the life of Pimp Master General, TV Jimbo.

24.30 18 With a Bullet 01.30 Little Britain 02.00 Ideal Yeah, yeah I get it, “I deal.” Like I deal drugs, it’s about drugs. 02.30 Ideal 03.00 The Brothel 03.30 The Brothel Proprietor Dennis Hof explains his marketing philosophy and attends the exclusive Players Ball, an awards ceremony (hosted by TV Jimbo) for those in this particular line of business.

Pimpin’ ain’t easy, folks.

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Spin City 9.55 Married with Children 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 The Springer Show: I Hate my Daughter! 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline At Luton, trainee hearing dog Gizmo is getting accustomed to travelling by plane so he can accompany his owner on holiday later in the year. How do you stop a dog from shitting everywhere on an aeroplane?

3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Spin City 7.30 Married with Children Not a lot of people know this, but the woman who plays Peg in MWC is Leela in Futurama. 8.00 Pushy Parents? 9.00 Holiday Showdown 10.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned My housemates made me sit through this the other day. One laugh per episode apparently 10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun 11.00 Ladette to Lady 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 2.00 Spin City 2.25 Married with Children 2.45 The Ricki Lake Show Hasn’t this been cancelled yet?

3.30 Teleshopping 5.30 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 A Digital Picture of Britain Taken by Astro’s digital camera that STILL WORKS after behaving gone round in the washing machine.

19.30 Nation on Film 20.00 The World Is mine, all mine, I tell you! 20.30 Dickens in America 21.00 FILM: Respiro Drama about an affectionate young mother of three children, whose freespirited attitude causes talk in the village with dramatic consequences. They probably think she’s a masssive hussy. Anything that describes a woman as “free spirited” usually means “whore.” 22.30 Blue/Orange Should never be seen. Or is that “blue and green?” Or is that “Girls?” 24.00 Dickens in America 24.30 A Digital Picture of Britain 01.00 Nation on Film 01.30 The Curse of Oil Starring Dean Gaffney and Peter André. 02.30 Dickens in America Whoa-o, we’re Dickens in America, whoa-o, everybody live for the music go round... 03.00 Nation on Film 03.30 A Digital Picture of Britain That gets hiked around the internet on cheap porn sites, and seen by your dad, so you end up trawling the streets giving head for $10

6:00 Big Brother Live Personally, I reckon BB transcends the concept of ‘mad gay’ and into the realms of ‘hella gay’.

3:05 Big Brother’s Big Mouth Sucks big cocks.

3:35 Big Brother Approximately 67.3412% of people are actually under the impression that Orwell’s book was called ‘Big Brother’ 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Big Brother Live 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Big Brother Nominations Uncut I was going to make a tasteless joke about Jews here, but it would only get taken out. By referring to the joke, but not making it, I still get to make the joke by implication. Clever, eh? 8:30 Friends ANOTHER chance to see the first episode of the fifth series of Friends. 9:00 The O.C. Brand New Series. 10:00 Sex And The City More girl-comedy that I don’t get, about rich American bimbettes. One has a big nose, one is ginger, one is slutty, one has brown hair and is quite cute, and the other one noone can remember. 10:45 Big Brother’s Little Brother 11:20 Sugar Rush 11:55 Big Brother Live

06:00 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 British GT Championship 07:30 World Superbikes 2005 08:00 The Cricket Show 08:25 Vee TV 08:55 hit40uk 09:25 Hollyoaks 09:55 Hollyoaks 10:25 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Hollyoaks 12:00 The Guardian Hay Festival: Jung Chang Turns On Mao Ooh, kinky. 12:30 Yr Wythnos 13:00 Star Trek Enterprise 13:45 Star Trek Enterprise 14:30 Big Brother’s Little Brother 15:30 The Michaelangelo Code: Secrets Of The Sistine Chapel 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws 19:30 Rhwng Dw A Dyn 20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20:30 Rhyfel Y Cymry 21:00 Y Goron 22:20 Tipyn O Stad 22:50 Big Brother 23:50 ABBA: Behind The Blonde Dark roots. 00:55 Today At The Test: England v Bangladesh 01:25 Big Brother Live 02:30 South American Football Championship 2005 Like American football, with more cocaine 03:25 FILM: Mad Cows (1999) What do you get if you feed dead cows to living cows? Mad ones, thats what. 05:00 DIWEDD/CLOSE

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Wednesday & Thursday

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June 6 - 12 2005

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Women’s Euro 2005 BBC2 5.45

Have I Been Here Before? ITV 3.00

Big Brother C4 10.00pm

South Park In My Heart 24/7

Little Antics five 9.15

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ITV 9.00

five 23.00

6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Tom 6:50 Spacevets 7:05 Evolution 7:30 Galidor 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Gordon the Garden Gnome 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 Boogie Beebies 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Rubbadubbers 10:30 The Way Things Work 10:45 Razzledazzle 11:05 Something Special 11:20 Primary Internet Chat Guide Choose your screen name. Something like sexxxybabe69 should do the trick. Enter chatroom, pretend to be five years older, get talking to teenage boy, talk dirrrrty, meet up, get impregnated, sell story to tabloid press. I mean, there are other recommended codes of conduct but this is what I would propose.

11:30 The Munsters 12:00pm The Daily Politics 1:00 Vanessa from Queens There’s aggression in the air this morning, got your ballerina tights around my head, in a samurai pose on the bed: Vanessa from Queens. And the water dripping from the faucet is like mardi gras on the twelfth of june, why don’t you let me let me let me love you? Vanessa from Queens. Stephen Malkmus playing in London on 20th September. Oh the excitement.

5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00 Dead Ringers 9:30 The Robinsons 10:00 Kath and Kim 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Match of the Day: Women's Euro 2005 Highlights 12:00am: The Culture Show 1:00 Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools 4:00 Geography - Japan 2000/Brazil 2000

6.00 GMTV 8.35 LK Today 9.25 The Springer Show 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Too Many Cooks 2.15 Date My Daughter 3.00 Have I Been Here Before? I never thought Schofield would stoop to this after his heyday of Going Live! 3.30 Hilltop Hospital Near where I live there’s a school for mentally handicapped people (mentals if you will) and it’s called Hilltop. I doubt this will be as entertaining. 3.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3.55 Jungle Run But they never get the golden monkey do they?

And they always win walkie talkies. Kids don’t want walkie talkies these days: they want smack. 4.25 The Sleepover Club At what age is it too old to have a sleepover? Serious question. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales This Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Ladette to Lady “The greatest social experiment since the rain in Spain”. Not my words, the words of ITV. I wouldn’t describe the rain in Spain as a social experiment, more so as WEATHER!!

10.00 Celebrity Love Island 10.30 ITV News 11.00 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 0.00 Providence 0.45 Shoot the Writers! 1.10 Redcoats 1.35 Love Match 2.00 ITV at Reading 2004 Who cares? Reading 2005 on the other hand is looking rather awesome-o. Entertainment coming from Dinosaur Jr, Sleater-KInney, The Arcade Fire, The Blood Brothers and Adam Green. I’ll be there. WIll you? If so, enjoy The Foo Fucking Fighters and please leave me alone. 2.55 Cybernet 3.20 Motorsport UK 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Spin City 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Springer Show 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Spin City 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 Fat Families 8.30 The Real Good Life 9.00 Bad Girls 10.00 Monkey Trousers 10.30 Footballer’s Wives Extra Time 11.00 The Contender 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 2.00 Spin City 2.25 Married with Children 2.45 The Ricki Lake Show 3.30 Teleshopping 5.30 ITV2 Nightscreen So...music. I temporarily broke the Talybont Social juke box whilst trying to make it download Mountain Goats songs. Some people swore at me so I smiled and then made it play Cop Shoot Cop by Spiritualized. 16 minutes of mostly feedback. Enjoy THAT with your spirals, cheese and salsa, cockheads. I’ve also been listening to quite a bit of Jeffrey Lewis, Black Heart Procession, Aisler’s Set, The Crazy Frog, Magnolia Electric Company, Sleater-Kinney.

19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Minister 21.00 Tales from Italy 22.00 Sounds of the Seventies 22.30 Look around You 23.00 Arrested Development 23.20 Arrested Development 23.45 Tales from Italy 24.45 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 01.45 Nation on Film 02.15 A Digital Picture of Britain 02.45 Tales from Italy 03.45 Dickens in America 04.15 Close This week I have mostly been: trying to make modern technology work by the medium of swearing and banging, being a big gay, writing lots of letters to make up for a lack of prettiness, doing ‘mad-skilllzzzz’ on my bicycle, getting soaked through TO MY PANTS, hoping to get attacked on the Talybont trail, not doing ‘mad-skilllzzzz’ on my bike because I realised I’m not very good at it and want more kisses before I die, eating peanut butter, trying to have a higher volume of Orange Fanta in my body than blood, counting the days, tellng people I’m Aneamic, watching football alone, being thankful that Crazy Frog beat Coldplay to number one.

Vanessa From Queen’s BBC2 1.00

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am B4 7:15am Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45am Big Brother 8:35am Eveybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Will & Grace 9:30am Howard Goodall’s Twentietrh Centuy Greats 10:20am Tate Modern: World War I 10:25am Arrows Of Desire 3 10:50am National Gallery 10:55am Rude Brittania: Benji 11:25am School Of Hard Knocks: Tom Baker 11:50am Self Portrait UK 11:55am Tate Modern: World War II 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm The Great Garden Challenge 1:30pm Supporting Acts 1:40pm Bief Encounter 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Back In The Day 4:30pm Richard & Judy 5:25pm Big Brother’s Little Brother 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm Wife Swap 9:00pm Bollocks To Cancer 10:00pm Big Brother Vanessa: firstly, it is inadvisable to have somebody called Vanessa in the show two years in a row. I could name at least 27 girls’ names so there’s no excuse at all.

Craig: “I believe that all forms of life be they human, plant or animal, are equal” said Craig although far less eloquently.

Personally I place most plants above Craig in my great chain of being. I wish he was dead. Actually dead.

10:50pm Boy George’s Queerest TV Moments 11:55pm 4Music: Razorlight Live Razorlight Dead. 12:25am Big Brother Live 3:25am Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 3:50am Transworld Sport 4:45am Countdown 5:30am Greetings From Tucson Hey Tucson! One of my all time favourite albums is called Greetings from...

Michigan. Trivia kids! Enjoy it. 5:55 Close

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6:00am Big Brother Live 3:05pm Big Brother Nominations Uncut 3:35pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother’s Big Mouth 8:00pm Big Brother’s Little Brother 8:30pm Friends Are you spotting a theme here perchance? 9:00pm Scrubs 9:30pm Scrubs 10:00pm Sex And The City 10:45pm Big Brother’s Little Brother 11:15pm Big Brother Live Sam: went to Oxford Brookes but forgot to mention the ‘Brookes’ bit. HA! But apparently she likes a bit of minge AND a bit of cock, and that makes her worthwhile. Science: I’m going to tolerate him, because he is the voice of the people. Lesley: I don’t know who ever told her she was good looking. Unless the statement was followed by “...for a farmyard animal”.

Saskia: I do believe has bigger breasts than Lesley, much to Leslie’s disgust. I’m hoping for a ‘breast off’. I’m not entirely sure what this would involve, but it would hopefully culminate in death. Kemal: No. Just no.

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Roobarb 08.20 The Book of Pooh 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.15 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: "The Return of the World's Greatest Detective" 15.35 Film: "Magnum PI: Don't Eat the Snow in Hawaii" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Barracuda Attack 20.00 Mystery of the Self-made Mummy: Stranger than Fiction It sounds complex but it’s a piece of piss really. I saw some people do it at a holiday camp once using bog roll and a lot of spinning round. They won a free go on the crazy golf for their efforts as well, which, lets be honest is a bit better than an hour on a Wednesday night on five.

21.00 Film: "Inferno" I don’t like films 22.50 Mau Mau Sex Sex Documentary telling the story of the Sexploitation movie. Created in a time before mass pornography, this adults only genre ran rings around the censors for over 60 years with its bizarre mix of ultraviolence and nudie cuties in full technicolour. I don’t really know what this means. But it’s about sex so *thumbs up*. Hopefully with a comic five slant.

23.50 Naked in New Zealand 24.25 Major League Baseball Live 04.05 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.55 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classic

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am B4 7:15am Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45am Big Brother 8:35am Eveybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Will & Grace 9:30am Howard Goodall’s Twentieth Centuy Greats 10:20am Tate Modern: World War I 10:25am Arrows Of Desire 2 10:50am National Gallery 10:55am Rude Brittania: Ashley and Steph 11:25am School Of Hard Knocks 11:50am Self Portrait UK 11:55am Tate Modern: World War II 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30 Sam Tan 12:40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 12:50 Bibi Bel 13:00 Mot A Tom 13:15 Room For Improvement 14:15 The Great Garden Challenge 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:20 Nic A Peri 16:35 Anifail Am Wythnos 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:30 The SImpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25Porc Peis Bachyn 21:00 Crwydro 21:30 Criw’r Cyngor Botwnnog. 22:00 Big Brother 22:50 ER 23:50 Cutting Edge 00:50 Big Brother Live 04:25 DIWEDD/CLOSE

Bollocks To Cancer C4 9.00pm

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Roobarb 08.20 The Book of Pooh 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.15 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: "Manhattan Manhunt" 15.35 Film: "Uncommon Valor" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Dream Holiday Home 19.30 House Doctor: Ann's Top Ten! 20.00 Brand New You 21.00 Real Life Desperate Housewives 22.00 House 23.00 She Stole My Foetus: Extraordinary People The whole concept of foetuses and abortion is ALWAYS hilarious. My two favourite examples of abortion jokes come from episodes of South Park. Firstly where Cartman uses stem cells to replicate his own pizza place. My second favourite use of foetus jokes is where Christopher Reeve eats stem cells and is able to walk again. I don’t think that would help Christopher Reeves anymore, primarily because he’s dead. Interestingly when Drew from Neighbours fell off a horse he died, Christopher Reeves only got paralysed. Proof if proof be needs be that Reeves was actuallly Superman.

24.00 The Woman Who Dives the Deepest: Extraordinary People Lesbians 24.30 The Laureus Sports Awards - The Directors Cut 02.00 Boxing: Fight of the Week II 03.00 Argentinian Football 03.50 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.30 US Major League

PRIMETIME

She Stole My Foetus

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours The Timmins sisters arrive in town. Izzy gets more dirt on Paul. I knew she was a dirty whore but I never suspected scat. 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Taz-Mania 4:30 SMart 5:00 Really Wild Show 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Cash in the Attic Things in my ‘attic’ at home. Although we call it a ‘loft’ because we’re common: Star Wars toys, Ghostbusters toys, Manta Force, Dad’s vinyl that i deemed too shit to give a home to, a boiler. Also, when the loft is closed there is a ladder in there. Corpses etc.

7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Airport 8:30 War at the Door 9:00 Murphy's Law 10:00 BBC News 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week 12:20am: FILM: The Defenders: Taking the First 2:00 Sign Zone 2:30 Sign Zone: Seven Natural Wonders The Great Pyramid Of Giza, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Statue Of Zeus at Olympia, the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus, the Colossus of Rhodes, the Lighthouse of Alexandria. Because reading TV Gareth is not only entertainment but also pure education. Go on, learn ‘em. And then recite them without looking. 3:00 Sign Zone: Blame the Parents 3:50 Sign Zone: Life after Football 4:40 Joins BBC News 24.

Ladette to Lady

PRIME-

WEDNESDAY THURSDAY

Springwatch with Bill Oddie BBC2 8.00

19.00 Art Crime Here’s one for you. My Art GCSE was obtained throught a thick web of lies. Half of the projects were done by me and half were done by my dad. I lied on all the paperwork saying that all the work was my own and that I had most definitely not cheated. I had cheated. I got an A. This probably means I’m going to hell doesn’t it? I can deal with that though. I mean, even if it wasn’t fictional it would surely have been around long enough to have been renovated by now. Y’know, air conditioning and the like. 20.00 The World 20.30 Dan Cruickshank and the Art in the Canal I’d imagine it’d be a little bit wet 21.00 Storyville: Excellent Cadavers - A Story Of The Sicilian Mafia 22.10 The Dark Heart of Italy 22.40 Film: "Angela" 24.05 The Dark Heart of Italy 24.35 Silvio Berlusconi: The Italian Tycoon Profile of the controversial leader 01.30 The Curse of Oil 02.55 Art Crime 04.00 Close I made you eat your parents, I made you eat your parents, I made you eat your parents. Oh, your tears are so sweet. Oh, yes. Let me taste them.

Such. Sweet. Pain.

P

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Spin City 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Springer Show 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Spin City 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 Airline USA 8.30 Airline USA 9.00 Women Who Kill If I was Brian Harvey, rather than run over myself in my own car, I would kill myself using: TV Grace: overdose on daffodil leaves; TV Manners: “I’d have Jeff Jarratt thrash me to death using his guitar”; TV Gareth: cooker and an ironing board; Sub Editor Morwenna: drink bleach a la An Inspector Calls 10.00 Coronation Street 10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun 11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 2.00 Spin City 2.25 Married with Children 2.45 The Ricki Lake Show 3.30 Teleshopping 5.30 ITV2 Nightscreen When you punish a person for dreaming his dream don't expect him to thank or forgive you. The best ever death metal band out of Denton will in time both outpace and outlive you. Hail Satan.

6:00 The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50amB4 7:15am Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45am Big Brother 8:35am Eveybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Will & Grace 9:30am Howard Goodall’s Twentieth Centuy Greats 10:20amTate Modern 10:25am Arrows Of Desire 2 10:50 National Gallery:Perspective 10:55am Rude Brittania: Ashley and Steph 11:25am School Of Hard Knocks: Andrew Angus 11:50am Self Portrait UK 11:55am Tate Modern: World War II 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm The Great Garden Challenge 1:35pm What’s In A Word 1:45pm Law And Disorder 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Back In The Day 4:30pm Richard & Judy 5:25pm Big Brother’s Little Brother 6:00pm The SImpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3Minute Wonder What would the world be like if everybody saw it with the clarity of a drug ravaged Boyd?

8:00pm Relocation Relocation 9:00pm Being Pamela 10:00pm Big Brother TV Gareth’s guide to this year’s ‘tards: Derek: is a Tory. I really hope he doesn’t contribute to the mini wave of ‘Conservatives are cool’ spearheaded by that albino knobend Boris Johnson.

Roberto: I’m glad the housemates got all the Italian sterotypes out within the first 30 seconds. I just hope that Roberto does embrace everything Italian. I’m particularly looking forward to when he brings in the Blackshirts and gets all the other housemates gunned down.

10:50pm Nip/Tuck 12:00am Big Brother LIve 2:55am Big Brother’s Big Mouth 3:25am British Supermoto Championship 4:45am Countdown 5:30am VEE-TV 6:00am Close

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 7 O'Clock News 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Film: "Ronin" 23.00 End Day 24.00 The Brothel 24.30 The Brothel 01.00 18 With a Bullet 01.55 End Day 02.55 The Brothel 03.25 The Brothel 03.55 Close A lesson for you: The best ever death metal band out of Denton were a couple of guys who'd been friends since grade school. One was named Sirus, the other was Jeff and they practiced twice a week in Jeff's bedroom. The best ever death metal band out of Denton never settled on a name but the top three contenders after weeks of debate were Satan's Fingers and The Killers and The Hospital Bombers. Jeff and Sirus believed in their hearts they were headed for stage lights and lear jets and fortune and fame. So in script that made prominent use of a Pentagram they stenciled their drumheads and guitars with their names. This is how Sirus got sent to the school where they told him he'd never be famous, and this was why Jeff in the letters he'd write to his friend, helped develop a plan to get even.

6.00 GMTV 8.35 LK Today 9.25 The Springer Show 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Too Many Cooks 2.15 Date My Daughter 3.00 Have I Been Here Before? What minor celeb claims to have once been a soldier who ran away from home today? I don’t care. 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series Today I had an exam. It went alright thanks. But more importantly I drew a really good robot. It started out as just a squiggle but soon enough it had evolved into some huge mechanical beast. To be honest I probably should have stopped drawing a little earlier. I started adding too much detail and it got a bit ruined. I drew one of those goldfish bowl things over its head, and really it wasn’t necessary, BUT surely any super-robot would be able to operate underwater in which case it probably would need one. I dunno. 4.00 Art Attack 4.25 The Sleepover Club 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Holiday Showdown 10.00 Celebrity Love Island I condemned this a fortnight ago. I called it shit. Since then I have become an avid viewer. It’s still shit. But on the plus side Paul Danananan is probably going to end up raping someone soon. And we all know that sexual assault makes great television.

10.30 ITV News 11.00 FILM: The 13th Warrior 0.50 The Pitts 1.15 The Magnificent Seven.

Vendetta 2.00 cd:uk Hotshots 2.30 FILM: Blank Cheque 3.55 World Sport 4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Tom 6:50 Spacevets 7:05 Evolution: The Animated Series 7:30 Galidor 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Gordon the Garden Gnome 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 Boogie Beebies 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Rubbadubbers Featuring the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker, inevitably. 10:30 The Munsters. Will Success Spoil Herman Munster? 11:00 The Daily Politics 1:00pm: What a Carry On! 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Tennis from Queen's The Queen’s what? I question the legitimcay of that apostrophe. 5:15 Flog It! 5:45 Match of the Day Live: Women's Euro 2005. Denmark v England I shan’t complain because at least it’s football. And any football is better than no football.

8:00 Springwatch with Bill Oddie “And if you look closely into the distance you can proably make out the king of all springs The Slinkey - making its way down the stairs”. But oh no, it’s gonna be about birds and shit isn’t it? Where’s the fun in that? Unless there are Phils I’m not interested.

9:00 The Secretary Who Stole 4 Million Pounds 4 million individual pound coins. If you had ten thousand pounds, and then got it changed into individual pennies you would have a million pennies. If you then got these million pennies swapped for pounds you would have a million pounds. Yes you would, shut up.

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Theatre Biz 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: Geography: World 2000/Living with Globalisation 4:00 Geography: France 2000

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Taz-Mania 4:00 Watch My Chops 4:15 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:30 The Queen's Nose 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Boyd’s still acting like a spazz. Lyn’s still a cockteasing whore. Stuart’s still blind.

6:00 BBC News and Weather 7:00 Wildlife on One Because it’s like, Wildlife...on BBC One. Genius.

7:30 Little Angels 8:00 Born and Bred 9:00 Wildlife Special: Bears 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The National Lottery 10:40 A Picture of Britain 11:10 FILM: Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes 1:25am: Sign Zone: Amazon Abyss 1:55 Sign Zone: Around the World in 80 Treasures 2:55 Sign Zone 3:25 Joins BBC News 24. If you are deaf, firstly I am sorry, but on the upside, at least there have been lots of programmes signed for you this evening. Also, remember that Beethoven Was Deaf (for Morrissey told me so) so take some solace in that. Although, there’s not much of a market for classical music is there? I mean it’s all a bit 18th century isn’t it? Sometimes I consider whether I would rather be deaf or blind, but then i think “I’d rather be neither” and then I go and listen to some music and read a book simultaneously and giggle slightly, and feel both lucky and guilty at the same time.

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19.00 7 o'Clock News 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Teen Angels 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Desperate Midwives 23.00 Spendaholics 24.00 The Brothel 24.30 The Brothel 01.00 Teen Angels 02.00 Spendaholics 02.55 The Brothel 03.25 The Brothel 03.55 Close Oooo, broadsheet. Doesn’t mean that TV Gareth is going to go all high brow on yo’ asses though; oh no! It does mean I have to fill a bit more space though, so expect insight into the inanities of my life. This is the last TV Desk of the academic year, but fear not for I shall return in September/August/Whatever a fully fledged member of TV with more jokes about cancer and even more liberal usage of the cunt word. I mean the ‘C’ word. These first few weeks have been most enjoyable and I am only pleased that I have been able to bring these moments of mirth into your otherwise stagnant lives. Feel free to approach and thank me, but do not touch. See you next term, signing off, TV Gareth.

6:00am Big Brother Live 3:05pm Big Brother Nominations Uncut 3:35pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother’s Big Mouth 8:00pm Big Brother’s Little Brother 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares 10:00pm Sex And The City 10:45pm Big Brother’s Little Brother 11:15pm Big Brother Live Maxwell: He’d love Rubber Duck wouldn’t he? Mary: Is a witch like that Webster girl in Coronation Street is a goth. If she was that serious about her witchness then surely she would have sacrificed herself by now. Makosi: Thick as shit. Claims to be a princess. prin-cess pit more like. Sorry, I’m clutching at straws. Anthony: The Geordie accent is the most lethal of weapons, making even the biggest twat sound slightly likeable. I’d quite like Anthony to teach me to boogie, so that i can look as professional as possible while DANCING ON HIS GRAVE!! So to conclude: I’m not a big fan of it this year and I seem to wish death upon people too easily.

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am B4 7:15am Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45am Big Brother 8:35am Eveybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Will & Grace 9:30am Howard Goodall’s Twentietrh Centuy Greats 10:20am Tate Modern: World War I 10:25am Arrows Of Desire 2 10:50am National Gallery 10:55am Rude Brittania: Ashley and Steph 11:25am School Of Hard Knocks 11:50am Self Portrait UK 11:55am Tate Modern: World War II 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30 Sam Tan 12:40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 12:50 Bibi Bel 13:00 Mot A Tom 13:15 Room For Improvement 14:15 The Great Garden Challenge 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:20 Nic A Peri 16:35 Anifail Am Wythnos 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:30 The SImpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25Porc Peis Bachyn 21:00 Crwydro 21:30 Criw’r Cyngor Botwnnog. 22:00 Big Brother 22:50 ER 23:50 Cutting Edge 00:50 Big Brother Live 04:25 DIWEDD/CLOSE

Friday & Saturday

June 6 - 12 2005

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6am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs7:00am Transworld Sport 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am T4: Futurama 9:25am hit40uk 9:50am California Dreaming 10:25am Big Brother 11:00am Big Brother 11:30am Friends 12:00pm The Simple Life 2 12:25pm Pure T4 12:55pm Fool Around With…Calum Best 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:00pm Pioneer House 5:00pm Pioneer House 6:00pm Unreported World 6:30pm Channel 4 News 7:00pm Ice Cold In Alex 9:25pm Big Brother A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy." "That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back." So the man walks out back and he sees three holes.

Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.

Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.

Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in. She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?" "Screw the condoms!

Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

10:15pm Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrells 12:15am The Nokia Isle Of Wight Festival 1:20am 4Music: Dr John On The Road

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06.00 Sunrise 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.20 Milkshake! 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Rolie Polie Olie 08.25 Franklin 08.55 George Shrinks 09.30 Beyblade 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 10.55 Beast Wars 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Film: "Challenger" 16.10 Film: "Stay Tuned" 17.45 Charmed 18.35 To be announced 19.25 Film: "Wrongfully Accused" 20.55 five news 21.10 CSI:NY A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

22.10 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.05 Film: "Benefit of the Doubt" 24.45 Law and Order 01.40 Film: "Sprung" 03.30 Sunset Beach 04.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters And with that, the last throw of the dice have been made.

The last TV Guide of the year is finally complete (as you can tell, we don’t did it in any order).

Tomorrow is the big end of year social and then it’s off to the linx on Saturday to whoop some office ass at golf. I’m planning on retaining my crown and winning by another huge margin.

Arrogance is my only defence.

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6:00 The Hoobs 6:25 The Hoobs 6:50 B4 7:15 Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45 Big Brother 8:30 Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00 Will & Grace 9:30 Schools 9:30 Tate Modern: A Different Point Of View 9:35 Jump Britain 10:25 Life Stuff 10:50 National Gallery 10:55 Rude Britannia 11:25 Scholl Of Hard Knocks 11:50 Self Portrait UK 14-19 11:55 Tate Modern 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Sam Tn 12:40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Moko! 12:50 Y Blobs 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 Room For Improvement 14:15 The Great Garden Challenge 15:15 Cuntdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Sion Neu Sin 16:15 Sioe Gwobrau Mawr 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:30 Uned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cinio Caru 21:00 Big Brother 21:30 Cinio Caru 22:00 Big Brother 22:35 Lolipop 23:00 Johnny Vegas: 18 Stone Of Cunt 00:05 8 Out Of 10 Cats 0:35 Eurotrash 01:10 Big Brother Live 03:40 Speedway Grand Prix 2005 04.00 Close Thankyou, nothing to add.

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6.00 GMTV 6.00-9.25 Toonattik 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.45 Planet's Funniest Animals 1.15 FILM: Destry Rides Again 2.55 Creature Comforts. Feeding Time 3.10 Britain's Best Back Gardens 3.40 FILM: Support Your Local Sheriff! 5.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 5.40 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.55 You've Been Framed 6.55 FILM: Doctor Dolittle 8.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action". Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants! His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

9.25 Murder in Suburbia. The Wedding 10.25 Celebrity Love Island 11.15 ITV News. (Subtitled) 11.30 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Qualifying 0.45 FILM: Hostile Hostages 2.20 cd:uk 3.10 The Pitts 3.35 Wyclef Jean in Profile 4.00 Entertainment Now! 4.25 Cybernet 4.50 ITV Nightscreen

6.00 Rolie Polie Olie 6.25 The Save-Ums! 6.35 Franny's Feet 6.50 Hi-5 7.25 Ebb and Flo 7.30 Peppa Pig 7.40 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 8.15 Roobarb 8.20 The Book of Pooh 8.45 MechaNick 8.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 9.15 Little Antics 9.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 FILM: Las Vegas Roundabout (1975) 15.35 FILM: The Intruders (1970) 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 HouseBusters 20.00 House Doctor: The A-Z of Design 20.30 Nice House, Shame about the Garden This week the show comes from Clapham (no, really) and the go-getting presenters have the unenviable job of cleaning up the mess left by various men/women of the night on the infamous common. Rather them than me I say.

21.00 FILM: The Enforcer (1976) Hmm... it seems that five don’t have anything of worth to show today. That’s the only way to explain the five films on today. What a fucking joke. Never heard of them (and film Desk are nowhere to be seen) and therefore they are all shite. I love making the rules.

23.00 FILM: Primary Suspect (1999) 0.55 FILM: Layover (2000) 02.40 The Love Boat I took a trip on this once but the blowjob was shit cos she got seasick. Haha. 03.30 Sunset Beach 04.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 Melrose Place 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

6:00 Big Brother Live After seeing the fat one out of the nurses outfit, it’s clear that the reason she was wearing that uniform on the opening night was because it’s the only thing that can keep her flab in one place at the same time. I hate fat people. And no, being unhealthy isn’t sexy despite what the self help guides might say. 15:05 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 15:35 Big Brother 16:30 Hollyoaks 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 Big Brother Live 19:00 Hollyoaks I managed to catch the late night Hollyoaks last week. The sex was interesting but the whole ghost thing was slightly far fetched and crap. Oh fuck, what the hell am I going on about. Anyway, the point is that Hollyoaks this week won’t be able to live up, flesh wise, to the uncut version. Bring back the late night plots! Can you tell I’m a dirty little bitch and quite sexually frustrated at the moment? 19:30 Big Brother’s Big Mouth 20:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 21:00 Friends 21:30 Big Brother Live 21:55 Sex And The City 22:30 Big Brother Live

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Wildlife on Two 10:30 CBBC: The Basil Brush Show 10:55 What's New Scooby-Doo? 11:15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 11:35 CBBC Show Selecta 12:00pm: See Hear 12:45 The Sky at Night 1:05 Talking Movies 1:30 The Garden with Dan Pearson 2:00 Castle in the Country 3:00 Monk. Mr Monk and the Captain's Wife 3:40 The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes 4:30 Trooping the Colour: Highlights 5:45 Match of the Day Live: Women's Euro 2005. England v Sweden 8:25 A Picture of Britain Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing.

9:25 Soul Deep 10:25 Conviction 11:25 Dead Ringers 11:55 FILM: The Mystic Masseur 2:00am: BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Hotel Hilbert 2:30 Open Advice: A Different Way of Learning 3:00 The Birth of Liquid Crystals 3:30 Relative Risk: The Human Genome Project 4:20 What Have the 70s Ever Done for Us? 4:30 Next Big Thing: Cloning

19.00 Broadway: The American Musical 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Minister 21.00 Heimat 22.00 Beethoven Uncovered 23.00 FILM: Venus Beauty Institute (1999) 0.45 The Dark Heart of Italy 01.15 Broadway: The American Musical 02.15 Beethoven Uncovered 03.15 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 04.15 Close I went out to Clwb Ifor last night and again, it was complete bollocks. The upstairs was full of moronic indie kids looking to have a dull time (except when the Kaiser Chiefs came on, in which case they danced their little socks off). The music was fucking poor as well, except for the one good song of the evening Debaser by the Pixies. The downstairs was alright but there seemed to be too many Jacko wannabes (although there was a fairly cool Japanese guy showing off his moves).

Why can’t they play my music? I’m going to have a tantrum now and throw my toys out of the pram.

Give me Metros any day (but especially Thursday).

I’ve now found out that the good DJ from Clwb Ifor now works at the Barfly on a Wednesday night so I’ll be taking my custom there in future.

5:55 Party Animals 6:00 The Hoobs 6:25 The Hoobs 6:50 B4 7:15Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45 Big Brother 8:30 Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00 Will & Grace 9:30 Tate Modern 9:35 Jump Britain 10:20 From The Top 10:50 National Gallery 10:55 Rude Britannia 11:25 School Of Hard Knocks 11:50 Self Portrait UK 11:55 Tate Modern 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 13:30 3 Minute Wonder 13:35 FILM: The Gentle Sex You know the one, flowers, a soft field in summer and Lemar drifting in the wind (not literally because that would be fucking scary and he’d be a vampire or something). 15:15 Cuntdown 16:00 Back In The Day 16:30 Richard & Judy 17:25 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:00 The Thompsons 18:30 Hollyoaks 19:00 Channel 4 News 19:35 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip Is it possible for two women to be so fucking stupid? Apparantly so. Complete guff.

20:00 Scrubs 20:30 Will & Grace 21:00 Big Brother 21:30 8 Out Of 10 Cats prefer whiskey.

22:00 Big Brother Oh yes, a whole week has gone by and I haven’t watch a single one of these updates. What I’ve failed to mention is I’ve had E4 on all day ever day.

Bugger.

22:35 Johnny Vegas: 18 Stone Of Cunt 23:40 Eurotrash 0:10 4Music: The Nokia Isle Of Wight Festival Robbie from the office has gone to this. Last minute headliners are the Spice Girls. 01:00 Big Brother Live This is the bit where you can watch them sleeping.

Mmm...creepy. 03:40 hit40uk 04:35 Popworld 5:25 Cuntdown 06:10 Close

SATURDAY

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Tom and Jerry Kids 7:30 Dennis the Menace 7:55 Watch My Chops 8:15 The Mummy Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men? A. He thought they were a delivery service. Q. What's the definition of "bonus?" A. You're fucking a pregnant woman and the fetus gives you a blow job. Q. What would you get if you crossed a boy with a Catholic priest? A. One happy priest.

8:35 Fairly Odd Parents 9:00 The Saturday Show 10:30 Trooping the Colour 12:15pm: BBC News; Weather 12:30 Keeping Up Appearances Q. What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common? A. They both have little boys pants half off. Q. Why didn't Superman save the Twin Towers? A. Because he's a quadriplegic. Q. What's 3 feet tall and gives great head? A. Your son. 1:00 Grandstand 1:05 McEnroe and Becker Interview 1:20 Tennis from Queens 5:20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:40 Only Fools and Horses Q. How do you refit an old whore? A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone. Q. Why did Hitler kill himself? A. He got his gas bill.

Q. What should you do if your epileptic grandma is having a seizure in the bathtub?

A. Throw in some washing powder and a load of dirty clothes.

6:10 Weakest Link 7:00 Doctor Who 7:45 The National Lottery: Come and Have a Go As you can see we’re being cool and instead of writing stuff, we’re pasting jokes.

8:35 Casualty 9:25 BBC News; Weather 9:45 FILM: The Peacemaker 11:40 FILM: Shooting Fish 1:30am: Top of the Pops

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 Entertainment Today 9.25 The Springer Show 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.30 Too Many Cooks eat small children. 14.15 Date My Daughter 15.00 Have I Been Here Before? But alas this will be my last ever TV Guide because I’m moving on to bigger and better things. I’ve been offered a job as Press Secretary for the Vatican. The Pope loved my article you see.

15.30 Miffy and Friends 15.35 Hilltop Hospital 15.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 16.00 Splash Camp I think this is a sordid show about who can squirt. No one in the office has met anyone who can. Little do they know, I have.

Muha. 16.30 That's So Raven 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Airline 21.00 Celebacy Love Island See what I’ve done there? I stole that from a trashy tabliod (which if you know, you should be ashamed of yourself).

22.00 Monkey Trousers 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Tradesmen from Hell 0.00 The Contender 0.50 FILM: Kull the Conqueror.

(1996) The lesser known, younger brother of William, who in 1067 invaded the island of Jersey and lived happily ever after as Emperor of his kingdom. 02.20 Entertainment Now! 02.45 Trisha 03.40 The Chemical Brothers in Profile 04.10 cd:uk Hotshots 04.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 05.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Spin City 9.55 Married with Children. Movie Show 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Springer Show. Dad to Three at 19 - But Are They Mine? 13.30 Coronation Street 14.00 Emmerdale 14.30 Airline 15.00 The Ricki Lake Show 15.50 Trisha 16.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.35 Movies Now 17.45 Judge Judy 19.00 Spin City 19.30 Married with Children 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Carmen Electra... Love’s Chains because she’s a dirty little whore. And she’s going out with that knobhead from Jane’s Addiction because they’re forever on MTV going on about how difficult their lives are. My reply to them? Fuck off and get some real problems. Cunts. 21.00 The Day My Boobs Went Bust 10.00 Footballers' Wives Extra Time 10.30 Celibacy Love Island: Aftersun 23.30 Shirley Bassey Love Island Live 02.00 Spin City 02.25 Married with Children 02.45 The Ricki Lake Show I’m on this week, I love the word cunt too much. 03.30 Teleshopping 05.30 ITV2 Nightscreen

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 EastEnders Revealed And underneath it’s all hairy and smells faintly of cheese. 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Who Rules the Roost? Who fucking cares? They’re only going to become a roast dinner anyway (that’s assuming they’re all chickens). 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain That’s Britain, not Wales. Cunts. 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.00 The Brothel 0.30 The Brothel 01.00 Country Strife This week, the inhabitants of Hay-on-Wye become slightly pissed off with the ridiculous amount of visitors ruining their idylic country life. And what for? Some pretentious (my word of the moment) writers. Although I wouldn’t mind have seeing Philip Pullman (author of the fantabulous His Dark Materials.)

Instead I got drunk last night and didn’t get up this morning. 02.00 Who Rules the Roost?

03.00 Spendaholics I bought more cool stuff yesterday. 04.00 Close

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6:00 CBBC: Noah's Island Don’t worry kids, Abi I-love-tits-and-arse hasn’t invaded this place yet.

6:25 Tom 6:50 Spacevets 7:05 Evolution: The Animated Series 7:30 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Gordon the Garden Gnome 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 Boogie Beebies (Digital Widescreen) Space Walking 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:30 Science Clips 10:40 Science Clips Light and Dark 10:50 Science Clips 11:00 Science Clips 11:30 The Munsters 12:00 The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 13:30 Tennis from Queens 18:00 Flog It! My arse is sore.

19:00 Honey, We Can't Get Rid of the Kids 19:30 Seven Natural Wonders 20:00 Gardeners' World 21:00 Beethoven 22:00 Grumpy Old Men This is what I aspire to be when I’m all growed up. I’ll burst little kids’ footballs with my Swiss Army Penknife and cackle maniacally.

22:30 Newsnight 23:00 Newsnight Review 23:35 Later with Jools Holland Ladies and gentlemen...the Arcade Fire (in my best Jools accent). 0:40 FILM: Suddenly (1954) 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Was Anybody There? 02:30 Meaning in Abstract Art 03:00 Living with Risk 03:30 The Golden Thread 04:00 Powers of the President Commander-In-Chief of the Army, the red button for the nukes, tax but he can’t dissolve Congress. Fuck me politics is dull. 04:50 Ever Wondered? 05:00 Finding a Voice 05:30 In the Shadow of Vesuvius

FRIDAY

6:00 Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 25 Cromwell Street (that was the abode of Fred and Rose West for those of you born in 1987) 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly 12:15 Cash in the Attic That’s what those poor fools in Merthyr thought until they found a dead baby. 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:40 Neighbours 13:05 Doctors 14:35 Diagnosis Murder 15:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger To re-use a classic, Badge, have you got any cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese? Cracks me up every time. 15:40 Taz-Mania 16:00 Arthur 16:15 The Fairly Odd Parents 16:30 Rule the School 17:00 Stupid 17:25 Newsround 17:35 Neighbours 18:00 BBC News and Weather 18:30 Regional News Programmes 19:00 A Question of Sport 19:30 Top of the Pops If you’ve bought that single then slowly place the paper on the floor, break the cd into little pieces, place said pieces on a plate with a condiment of your choice (I’d recommend tommy k) and eat the cd. As a beverage, drink half a pint of petrol and then swallow a lit match just to make sure you die in the process.

20:00 EastEnders 20:30 The Lenny Henry Show About as funny as death; so amusing in parts.

21:00 What's the Problem?

21:30 The Kumars at No 42 About as funny as bad AIDs 22:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 23:35 24 01:05 Joins BBC News 24

STDENT SAVER 19.00 3 Non-Blondes 19.15 Three's Outtakes 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.15 Farscape 21.00 Film: "Ronin" 22.55 Doctor Who 23.40 Doctor Who Confidential24.10 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.40 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.10 15 Storeys High 01.40 Jacko: the Next Move 02.40 Generation Jedi 03.35 Body Hits 04.05 Close TV Gareth here. I’ve been here for near 11 (E-L-E-V-E-N) hours. KIll me please. Kill me now. Manners and I have been holding the fort this evening for TV desk, and what a hard, hard job it is. TV John may be in London watching The Magnolia Electric Company, TV Grace may be at a housemate’s birthday meal and TV Katie may have technically left university, but that is NO excuse i tell you! The computers are being super gayboys and I can hear the dull thud and hum of Roni Size coming from Solus.

It sounds to me like some grimey British funeral march. And i have to cycle home IN THE DARK!!

At least if i fall off my bicycle and die nobody will be there to laugh at me. Boo-fucking Hoo.

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus Shelley's paranoia intensifies, but is the game finally up for Charlie when an old enemy returns and reveals Shelley's secret? Liz goes on a date Steve's not impressed. Craig gets the mucky end of the stick. Danny and Leanne have a close shave when Janice walks in on them.

Sunita gives Dev the shock of his life. Norris is consumed with literary yearnings. Sally hits a new low when she's hired and fired in the same day. FACT!! All true fact! 14.30 Celebrity Fit Club 15.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

16.30 Holiday Showdown 17.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 18.00 House of Horrors 18.30 House of Horrors 19.00 Holiday Airport Palma 20.00 Movies Now 20.15 Holiday Showdown 21.15 To be announced 23.50 Celebrity Love Island Live. 02.00 Emmerdale Omnibus 04.25 Teleshopping 05.55 ITV2 Nightscreen What’s worse than locking your keys in the car? Getting raped.

19.00 Beethoven Classic Archive 21.00 Film: Les Amants Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking." 22.25 Signs of the Times 23.50 Nu Soul 24.50 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005 01.00 Tales from Italy 02.00 The Dark Heart of Italy 02.30 Dan Cruickshank and the Art in the Canal 03.00 Nu Soul 04.00 Close We’re not lazy.

6:00 Big Brother Live 15:05 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 15:35 Big Brother 16:30 Hollyoaks 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 Big Brother Live 19:00 Hollyoaks Q. How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

A. Pick him up and suck his dick 19:30 Big Brother’s Big Mouth 20:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 21:00 Friends 21:30 Big Brother Live 21:55 Sex And The City 22:30 Big Brother Live Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. Man who jizz in cash register come into money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

6:00 The Hoobs 6:25 The Hoobs 6:50 B4 7:15 Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45 Big Brother 8:30 Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00 Will & Grace 9:30 Schools 9:30 Tate Modern: A Different Point Of View 9:35 Jump Britain 10:25 Life Stuff 10:50 National Gallery 10:55 Rude Britannia 11:25 Scholl Of Hard Knocks 11:50 Self Portrait UK 14-19 11:55 Tate Modern 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Sam Tn 12:40 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Moko! 12:50 Y Blobs 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 Room For Improvement 14:15 The Great Garden Challenge 15:15 Cuntdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Sion Neu Sin 16:15 Sioe Gwobrau Mawr 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:30 Uned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cinio Caru 21:00 Big Brother 21:30 Cinio Caru 22:00 Big Brother 22:35 Lolipop 23:00 Johnny Vegas: 18 Stone Of Cunt 00:05 8 Out Of 10 Cats 0:35 Eurotrash 01:10 Big Brother Live 03:40 Speedway Grand Prix 2005 04.00 Close

ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED:

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6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby-Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Past Times 11:30 Sunday Grandstand 11:35 Motorcycling: Isle of Man TT 12:35 MotoGP: Catalunya 14:00 Tennis from Queens The socalled ‘warm up to Wimbledon’ is another excuse for Mr Henman to build up all our hopes and dreams (as much as tennis can) and then crah out in true British sporting style. Perhaps this is the year. What the fuck am I on about?

Sue Barker says that every year and every year, without fail, Tim never reaches the final. 17:10 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em Yeah, and his name’s Taf-Od. 17:40 Natural World 18:30 BBC Cardiff Singer of the World Preview 19:00 Don't Panic, I'm Islamic Surely the whole point of this programme is to fuel the xenophobic fires of the sporadic Daily Mail and Daily Express readers? They’re all out to get us. No, really. Join my crusade.

20:00 Top Gear 21:00 Tribe 22:00 Mock the Week No, no, no, no, no not this week becasue it’s been half term and therefore my holiday.

22:30 Barca - The Inside Story: Storyville 0:00am: Match of the Day: Women's Euro 2005 Highlights 0:40 FILM: Desperate (1947) 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Workskills in the Media: The Complete Guide 03:00 Careers 04:00 Advertising 05:00 Theatre and Television This is like a joke only you have to guess the punchline. Some guesses from the office, ‘television, like theatre except in real life’, ‘theatre, like television but not’, ‘both full of poofs’, ‘I live in a cave’. Indeed. Text in your suggestions if you have the best gag.

19.00 Doctor Who How do you stop a baby from choking? Take your dick out of its mouth.

19.45 Doctor Who Confidential How do you get 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender!

How do you get them out again? With Doritos.

20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child? Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards. 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock? You can't fuck a rock 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

The little boy in the trunk of my car. 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men? He thought they were a delivery service. 0.00 Cyderdelic 0.30 Spendaholics What goes: "CLICK - is that it? CLICK - is that it? CLICK - is that it?" A blind person with a Rubik's cube 01.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.25 Jacko: the Next Move 03.25 Cyderdelic 03.55 Close

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Beyonce... It's Good to Be 9.45 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 11.15 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 12.15 Man v Beast USA 13.15 Coronation Street Secrets: The Street Undressed To be honest, I’d rather not see naked northerners. Seeing Geordie taking a wizz was enough for me. 14.15 Emmerdale Family Album 14.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 17.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.50 Spin City 20.20 Married with Children 20.50 FILM: Mission: Impossible II (2000) 23.15 Footballers' Wives Extra Time 23.45 Coronation Street 0.15 Celebrity Love Island Live What have Gareth Gates and Harold Shipman got in common? Neither of them can finish a sentence 02.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 02.40 Teleshopping 05.10 ITV2 Nightscreen Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water. "Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

PRIMETIME

6:00 Breakfast 9:00 News 24 Sunday 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:00 Call My Bluff 11:30 Countryfile 12:05 The Politics Show 13:10 Bargain Hunt 13:40 Diagnosis Murder 14:25 EastEnders 16:20 Holiday 10 Best 17:00 Songs of Praise 17:35 20th Century Roadshow I was thinking of taking my old MASK toys along or perhaps the phenomenal Thundercat’s Thundertank I have somewhere. Second thoughts, they’re far too precious to seal to some ungrateful little oik. I’d trade them all for series one and two of Pugwall’s Summer though. Any takers? Come on? ‘Nobody tell me what to do, no not me...Nobody tell me what to say, can't you see...I've got a dream I'm gonna make it, If there's a chance I'm gonna take it, With drums a thumpin', bass player pumpin'. Keyboards and me on my guitar, Won't let anything get in my way, no not me...Won't listen to any-thing you say, can't you see...I've got a dream I'm gonna make it, If there's a chance I'm gonna take it, With drums a thumpin', bass player pumpin'. Keyboards and me and my guitar.’ Fuck yeah.

18:25 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 18:50 Star Portraits with Rolf Harris 19:20 55 Degrees North Which other paper would print the lyrics of the opening theme tune to Puwall’s Summer? I do this all for you. You might say, I’m sharing the love. It’s fucking Newcastle!

20:20 The Vicar of Dibley 21:00 A Picture of Britain 22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:15 FILM: Crimson Tide (1995) 0:05 FILM: The Sunshine Boys (1975) 02:00 Joins BBC News 24

Emmerdale Family Album ITV1 7.50pm

6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 7.30 Toonattik 9.25 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 10.15 Celebrity Wrestling 11.15 Survival. Hunt for the Red Whales 12.15 Waterfront 12.45 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.45 FILM: Sweet Charity (1969) 16.30 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 16.45 ITV News; Weather 17.00 F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live Or, to some people (i.e. me) a complete waste of petrol. I bet they don’t have to pay 90p a litre. My car is becoming expensive.

19.50 Emmerdale Family Album Unfortunately many of the pictures failed to be developed because the backwards village doesn’t have a Boots or other such photo devloping shop because it’s in the middle of an incestuous, inbred, hick-ville country village deviod of any sort of technology. Oh, and they’re ll fucking ugly and they smell of chicken shit.

20.20 Coronation Street 20.50 The Last Detective 22.20 Celebacy Love Island Surprisingly this hasn’t been dropped yet. It’s only on for two weeks and after one, everyone has stopped watching (what I said last week was true!). Abi has failed to nail anyone so she’s now a cheap whore rather than televisual entertainment. Filthy wench.

22.50 ITV News 22.55 The South Bank Show 23.55 F1: Canadian Grand Prix 0.55 Motorsport UK 01.30 World Sport 01.55 Trisha 02.55 Today with Des and Mel 03.45 Loose Women Well Abi isn’t going to feature this week. 04.25 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Cherry Falls C4 10pm

6:00 Party Animals 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 Thunder Racing at the Rock 7:30 British Superbikes 8:00 The Cricket Show 8:30 Vee-TV 9:00 T4: The Nokia Isle of Wight Festival 9:35 T4: Popworld 10:30 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 13:00 T4: California Dreaming 13:35 T4: Big Brother’s Little Brother 14:35 T4: The O.C Last week’s rather dull and one sided cricket match meant that my beloved O.C. wasn’t shown. This week the show is back to it’s rightful place. This week Trey is a naughty boy and gets in trouble for allegedly dealing drugs at his party. He’s leaving this week anyway who cares? 15:35 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 16:25 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 17:25 FILM: Wargames (1983) 19:30 Channel 4 News 8:00 Whicker’s War 21:00 Big Brother 22:00 FILM: Cherry Falls It’s the mum. I’m sorry I’ve ruined the plot but it’s an absolutely bollocks film. I was forced to watch this when naive, eighteen and rather drunk on cheap vodka (oh yes, I’m a classy bird, or guy...). For your sanity, by telling you the end, I’m saving you a couple of hours of your life which would have been wasted. I’m still trying to get my money back and reclaim my lost hours. As yes, God isn’t looking too kindly upon me. Can’t think why.

Maybe it’s something to do with the whole Pope phenomenon, 23:40 The Nokia Isle of Wight Festival 0:45 Big Brother Live 03:45 The Chris Isaak Show 04:35 KOTV 05:00 Countdown 05:45 Greetings from Tucson Is this a real place or made up by the loser presenting it. He must be gutted that his hard work is on at this ungodly hour. 06:05 Close

19.00 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005 19.10 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005 19.20 Europe: A Natural History 20.10 Travels with Pevsner 21.00 Heimat 22.00 Digital Picture of Britain 22.40 Talking Landscapes 23.10 Landscape Mysteries 23.40 Europe: A Natural History 0.30 Digital Picture of Britain 01.10 Proms on Four 2004 03.05 Europe: A Natural History 03.55 Close I’m still coming to terms with the fact that this is the very last gair rhydd of the year and my very last issue. This is the part I hoped I’d avoid; the sentimental crap. It’s been a ball. But next year TV Desk need more cynical, musical fascists to join the ranks. If you think you’re funny don’t fucking step foot in the office. If you’re a bit of a loser and find the Kaiser Chiefs utter tosser then come on down. You’ll fit in well. I’m not sure how you actually join but go to the office and ask. If you’re a twat you’ll be politely removed. Otherwise you can start writing the backbone of the paper.

Is that enough self righteous drivel? Still have a few more lines to fill. Um...10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 1/2, 0. There.

6:00 Big Brover Live 15:30 California Dreaming I’m meant to be going to California in September but my fucking work dictates my life and I’m not sure I can. Argh. Evidently the English (not Welsh, sorry) accent is loved over there, probably because the American accent is so shite. 16:00 Faking It USA This week an unsuspecting yank has to try and pass himself off as an Englishman in New York (someone should write a song about that). To cut a long story short, the fat man can’t do it. He gives himself away through his incessant appetite for Big Macs and his insistence on sprinkling cinnamon and chocolate into his cup of tea. They’ll never learn. Try as hard as I might though, I can’t help but have a teaspoon of sugar with every cup. One day I’ll use the line ‘I’m sweet enough’, you’ll see. 17:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:00 The O.C 19:00 Smallville: Superman the Early Yerars 20:00 Scrubs 20:30 Scrubs 21:00 Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares 22:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 23:00 Big Brother Live

Rising Sun five 9pm

6.00 Softies 6.05 Bear in the Big Blue House 6.30 The Save-Ums! 6.40 Franny's Feet 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.25 Ebb and Flo 7.30 Peppa Pig 7.35 Make Way for Noddy 7.50 Rolie Polie Olie 8.25 Franklin 8.50 George Shrinks 9.25 The Secret of Eel Island 9.40 Aliens among Us 9.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 10.55 Snobs 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 Rooted 12.30 Tim Marlow's Judgement Day: Images of Heaven and Hell Heaven: Menon: Nods, Doyle: me, knuckledusters and naked 15 year olds, Charissa: Doyle, Rubberhead: cheese (what is it with women and cheese), Ridler, Menon, naked, tied to a bedpost, Geordie: Shakira’s wet panties, her small and humble breasts and her lovely face (dripping with northern love juice). Hell: Geordie: my life, Gareth: Geordie’s life, Menon: never having his own section, Jim: deviod of any imagination Willy: a big picture of Roy Keane, Gary: a life without Exeter City 13.05 five news update 13.15 Film: The Castle (1998) 14.50 Film: The Beach Boys: An American Family (2000) 17.55 five news 18.15 Film: Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1996) The rumours are flying around the office this evening and unfortunately. I seem to be bearing the brunt of them. I should probably stop wandering around the office humming ‘I’m just a love machine’.

Yeah, I’m living the dream.

20.00 Joey 20.30 Two and a Half Men 21.00 Film: Rising Sun (1993) 23.30 World's Wildest Police Videos 0.25 Wildboyz 0.50 US Major League Baseball Live 04.05 Motorsport Mundial 04.30 FIFA Confederations Cup Final 2003 Is this like the Wychbold Cup? Guess not.

PRIMETIME

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PRIMETIME

SUNDAY

manners@getting_on_swimmingly.controversial.com

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Thunder Racing at the Rock 07:30 British Superbikes 08:00 The Cricket Show 08:30 Vee-TV 09:00 hit40uk 09:25 Hollyoaks 09:55 Hollyoaks 10:25 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Hollyoaks 12:00 Manifesto 12:30 Yr Wythmos 13:00 Star Trek Enterprise 13:55 Big Brother’s Little Brother 14:55 Tutankhamen Exposed 16:00 Dudley 16:30 Crwydro 17:00 Porc Peis Bach 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibus 19:30 Rhyfel Y Cwmry 20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 21:00 Codi Angor 22:05 Newyddion 22:20 TIipyn O Stad 22:50 Big Brother 23:50 FILM: Patriot Games (1992) 01:50 Big Brother Live 02:45 Unreported World: Land Of Missing Children 03:15 FILM: Dead Babies (2000) I don’t even know where to begin with this. What the fuck to S4C think they’re playing at? Myfanwy from Cwmbrwn will be writing in to complain about the degrading and disgusting portrayal of poor innocent babies in this film. Haha cunt. 05:00 Close

gair rhydd Problem Page

The Story of Phil Phil went out hunting in Switzerland to get a McDonalds, was abducted by Ian Watkins of Lostprophets to produce their cover of In The Air Tonight and was then rescued by Jon Snow who blew up their secret lair beneath the ground but didn’t quite kill Ian Watkins, who threw a massive Boohbah cluster bomb (containing four boohbahs and Kilroy’s head) at Phil, who – a little concerned – vanquished the attack with some wellaimed Vagisil and sang True Colours at Ian Watkins until he blew up. Then Jon and Phil went home and slept but unfortunately for Phil a scary ninja came round, but it wasn’t just any ninja; it was Moira Stuart and she had a message for Phil which said that he would have to travel to the Himalayas to see Archangel Karl of Mt. Kennedy.

Archangel Karl told Phil that he had to find Michael Winner, and so Phil had a fag and then telephoned Jon Snow, who appeared, picked him up and said nice things. Then the helicopter exploded, and they fell out, and Phil died.

Jon was sad for a week, but then decided that he didn’t like Phil being dead so dug him up

and took him to see Archangel Karl who then chainsawed his coffin open and re-animated him. Then Phil was alive again, and Edd the Duck came to see him to tell him that Michael Winner was actually living on the moon and so Phil jumped in his space shuttle and flew there where it was discovered that Edd the Duck had set him up and that Michael Winner had a massive secret moon base. Phil then ate Edd the Duck for being a liar, killed Michael Winner and blew the moon up with a thermonuclear device.

Phil got home and Andi Peters rang him to ask a favour. Phil said ‘yes’ and became the new face of children’s fire awareness campaigning, but it went wrong and Phil was mobbed by a lot of angry children but Moira rescued him by driving through the crowds in a fork-lift truck.

Then they had sex. Phil was then bored and so designed a time machine and hopped into it.

He appeared in the Cretaceous era and made his friends at home worry a bit.

Jon Snow and his good buddy Loyd Grossman then set off in a time-travelling helicopter to find Phil, killing lots of dinosaurs on the way. They found him and went home, but Jon lost a leg and had to get a wheelchair fitted. Moira and Phil got married, Loyd made new sauces and Andi Peters, the man who planted the bomb on Phil’s helicopter, mysteriously died. The end.

Page 27

Dr.Matthew problempage@gairrhydd.com - Bye

A letter to you. (A sad letter.)

Dear Reader.

Having solved approximately one hundred problems across a delightfullyround forty issues of gair rhydd, and having worked uniquely as a guerrilla agony aunt with a willy, recognition from my peers has finally said ‘hello’. I now look set to be accredited with professional standard certification and full European legislation up to and including the hilarious administration of severe mental trauma.

This means that I’ve finally been accepted into the agony aunt industry, wherein I shall do absolutely nothing. This is because I don’t need to. They’ve sorted me a desk, and on that desk they’ve put a picture of Natasha Bedingfield.

To ruin any preconceptions (see: misconceptions)

of what agony aunts do and how they do it, since my admittance it has become apparent that existing agony aunts (i.e. those that are widely read in such respectable publications as The Daily Mail and Gardening Monthly) are in fact A.I algorithms that are cleverly programmed by an elite committee of agony aunts and given ‘likeable’ and ‘trustworthy’ faces for public consumption.

Although this seems malevolent, it isn’t really. I have had a good conversation with one such A.I, and during this conversation I twice convinced it that its name was Jesus, it had seen six years of combat in three different wars and that it had also lost six lift shafts in its time as a tall building.

It also learnt to smile because of me and now writes for Marie Claire

where it lies about sex and men.

So: I’ll be sat on (and in) an advisory pre-A.I programming council, and be entirely responsible for saying things sometimes.

Accordingly, if you stupidly read another agony aunt’s column, look out for any reference to a) fat people, b) sentient vegetables, c) illicit placement of children, d) guns or e) poo and you’ll know that my influence has been well and truly asserted. Conversely, I might be in charge of paragraph indenting augmentation systems, and appropriately will only get to put the odd swear word in.

Given my pre-eminent ascension/transcendence/pay rise, I shall no longer be interested in the students of Cardiff and will thus (prior to mobilising my battalion of legs and pissing

off) say thank you for your long-winded emails and largely dull personae. It has been my utmost displeasure to solve your problems (and solve them I resolutely have not) and so with this letter of resignation I must now say ‘bye’ and indeed bid you a complete lack of luck with all future endeavours. My largest and most fortuitously ultimate piece of advice is pending (in around three sentences), so please insist on ducking if you think it might waffle you in the face: I presume you are all familiar with the idea of death. Please remember, then, that if you’re alive, try and stay so.

I’ve been Dr. Matthew; you’ve been a bunch of fucking maniacs.

Some problems that I would quite like to have solved ! "There’s a man on my roof with a bazooka and he’s holding my mother in an unsuitable way: what should I do?" " "I have just constructed !" an absolutely gargantuan turps bomb and I’m not sure of a trajectory in which to throw it." ! World poverty. (Only joking.) ! Class divisions, inequalities, wars and then the thorough maintaining of new ones ! A real life murder investigation " Politics !" " My visible inability to fin!" ish puberty " Poetry, horrible similes, !" the words "like" and "random", word counts, wasted paper, newspapers ! The distinct lack of Centurions on DVD ! Gender PS: Remember to keep sending your problems in because there’ll be a new agony aunt next year.

Nightline : 029 2022 3993:

June 6 2005

Re-live the above adventure with the rather exciting and quite jumbo Phil Collins Photo Casebook Top Trumps

Alignment Brilliant Quarter Mile Time 4 mins Height 4ft11 Body Count Most people IQ 158 Monetary Assets £30,000,001 Special Ability Weapons/Tanks

Alignment Delightful Quarter Mile Time 7 mins Height 6ft1 Body Count Many dinosaurs IQ 112 Monetary Assets Tomatoes Special Ability Marksmanship

Loyd Grossman

Alignment Confused Quarter Mile Time A long time Height Multifarious Body Count Unknown IQ Collectively, none Monetary Assets Parents Special Ability Moral Panics

Pleasant 20 mins 39 7ft9 1,230,764 145 Not needed Ninja

Phil Collins

Alignment Very nasty Quarter Mile Time n/a Height 5ft11 Body Count 91 IQ 103 Monetary Assets The Moon Special Ability Secret Moon Base

Alignment Quarter Mile Time Height Body Count IQ Monetary Assets Special Ability

Mob of Children

Alignment Bad Quarter Mile Time 3 mins Height Collectively, 5m Body Count 212 IQ 6 Monetary Assets Slight Special Ability BOOHBAH!

Alignment Despotically Evii Quarter Mile Time 5 mins Height 5ft1 Body Count Millions of children IQ 139 Monetary Assets Eastern Europe Special Ability Deceptive smile

Michael Winner

Evil 9 hours 1ft9 13 8 Children Children

Boohbah Bomb

Hungry Raptor

Alignment Hungry Quarter Mile Time 21 sec Height 3m Body Count Lots of tricerotops IQ n/a Monetary Assets n/a Special Ability Hunger

Alignment Quarter Mile Time Height Body Count IQ Monetary Assets Special Ability

Edd The Duck

Dr. Matthew Alignment Ambiguous Quarter Mile Time No Height Sometimes Body Count Not yet IQ Reasonable Monetary Assets Absolutely none Special Ability Disguises

Moira Stuart

Alignment Pure Quarter Mile Time 3 secs Height Depends Body Count 0 IQ 140 Monetary Assets 16 Special Ability Arkangel/Revival

Andi Peters

Good 3.47 hours 5ft8 3 567 Lots Apache Pilot

Karl Kennedy

Jon Snow Alignment Quarter Mile Time Height Body Count IQ Monetary Assets Special Ability

Sport

“If he had a role with us given the way he’s spoken about us, then that would certainly be a problem” Huw Davies, Medics rugby coach, June 2005

University announce new rugby post

Review of the sporting year

Back page

Page 31

JUNE 6 2005

Life of a champion Despite the toll of motherhood, Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson last month secured two Paralympic World Cup gold medals.

John Stanton discovers the forces that drive her to success

W

ith a collection of gold to shame the most comprehensive jewellery store, it should hardly come as a surprise that, at 35, Dame Tanni GreyThompson added to her tally of 11 Olympic gold medals last month, with two more first placed finishes at the inaugural Paralympic World Cup. Victory in the 100m and 400m took her career tally to 20, reinforcing the pedigree shown during each of her seven London Marathon victories.

And yet Tanni, who has suffered with spina bifida since birth, is no ordinary athlete.

Hailed as an ambassador and standard-bearer by the good and the great of the athletics world, she recently came above Sir Winston Churchill and Admiral Lord Nelson in a BBC poll to find the greatest ever Briton. Perhaps it is justified. Not only does she combine managing a paralysing disability with continuing a distinguished athletics career, there is also another, more important focus in her life.

The Grey-Thompsons, Tanni and husband Dr. Ian Thompson, have a young daughter, Carys.

Motherhood is something Tanni clearly enjoys - her face lights up at the mention of her daughter although it has not been without its problems. She explains: "For me, having a disability doesn’t affect being a mum at all, not in any way. The only effect is on other people’s perceptions. There were people who, when I was pregnant, were fairly horrified that someone who’s a wheelchair user can have a child. Someone stopped me in the street and said, ‘How did you get pregnant?’Well, how do you think I got pregnant?

It’s people’s perceptions that are the hardest thing to deal with. I do meet some people who look at Carys and say, ‘Awww, your mummy’s in a wheelchair.’ I was always brought up to believe that, if someone had an issue with my disability, then it’s not my fault, it’s theirs. So if someone can’t deal with me being a mother then it’s not really my problem."

Motherhood has had its surprises. Firstly, the fact that babies are such a full-time responsibility and, secondly, that she could ever love anything or anyone more than athletics: "I had this idea that you could time-manage a baby but that didn’t last long – only about four months. It’s made me realise that there are more important things than athletics which, until I had Carys, I didn’t think there were.

"Never ask me to pick between my husband and athletics because I’d pick athletics but ask me to pick between Carys and athletics, then it’s Carys. That’s quite funny

because I never believed there would be anything more important for me. But at the end of the day, it’s only sport, it’s only me going round in big circles."

Undeterred by the ignorance and hostility she has had to endure, Tanni is determined not to let her condition affect Carys or the way she is raised. Carys so relates mother to chair that daughter becomes upset if mum sits on the floor, as if the removal of the chair is akin to some bloody leg amputation. The innocence of childhood, says Tanni, is a great thing: "Carys understands that I don’t walk, that I can’t do stairs and that I’m different but it doesn’t worry her at all. She’s funny because if we’re at home and she doesn’t want to leave the house she’ll go and sit on the stairs and say ‘Mummy can’t walk, mummy can’t get me.’" Carys’s other favourite hiding place is beneath the dining room table, again out of the reach of her mother: "Kids will find a weakness in any parent, so it doesn’t really have a big impact on me."

“Never ask me to pick between my husband and athletics because I’d pick athletics”

Tanni Grey-Thompson Tanni is painfully aware of the effect disability can have on a child’s upbringing. She was bullied at school herself and is determined that Carys won’t suffer the same painful experiences she had to endure. Her recent involvement in the ‘Beat Bullying’ campaign was motivated more by the desire to protect Carys than it was to recall the hurtful memories of her own youth. It was during Tanni’s schooldays that the first evidence of discrimination and victimisation came to the fore. The first wheelchair-specific sign of this came when she was refused entrance to a cinema because she would represent a fire hazard.

"What kind of fire hazard? Did they think I would spontaneously combust?"

The schoolyard itself was where Grey-Thompson first found herself prey to the playground bullies. She insists that the bullying she experienced had nothing to do with her disability, although facial expression and a pause for thought belie a greater sadness than she is willing to acknowledge. She is quoted previously as saying that she used to

GREY-THOMPSON: More success in inaugural World Cup in Manchester be called ‘limpy legs’ by her peers. "It only happened fairly briefly. There were a couple of lads at school who bullied me but it wasn’t actually anything to do with my disability because the lads had impairments themselves.

I think people automatically assume it’s because I’m a wheelchair user but actually that was nothing to do with it. In some ways I might have found it easier to accept if it was because I was in a wheelchair but it was just because these lads wanted to have a go at someone. It happened over

“Mummy can’t walk, mummy can’t get me” Carys Grey-Thompson

a few weeks and I just remember feeling horrible about it. Luckily they stopped after a little while but I can imagine if it had gone on for longer then it would have been really horrible. They used to nick my coat." r. Thompson’s reaction to the news that he was to become a father seems to characterise the husband and wife relationship. His initial joy at the prospect of fatherhood, says Tanni, was surpassed by the timing of the pregnancy, which would allow his wife to compete in the Commonwealth Games in Manchester: "We waited to have a family to a point where, if I decided not to come back, I wouldn’t have any regrets. What I’ve done since having Carys has just been a bonus."

Born and educated in Cardiff, the adversity which has presented

challenges throughout her life seems to have been lessened by a harmonious domestic setup.

Tanni Grey met her future husband, Dr. Ian Thompson, at the age of 16 and he would go on to be her partner, coach and fiercest critic.

Dr. Thompson, himself a highlevel cyclist, is lucky that he can still walk, for the most part, after being hit by a lorry while cycling at the age of 20. He took up competing on the Paralympic circuit and is now looking after the professional interests of his wife, which can prove stressful. Tanni explains: "We have some interesting discussions together about racing but it teaches me to race harder and stronger - it’s for my own good I think. There’s a lot of competition between us. It’s huge.

Really, really competitive." The relationship between the two, she says, can and does get strained, but both know the boundaries and both

whole culture change around IMG because the AU are really into BUSA and I think we really need to change that. The more people that take part, the better it’s going to be and standards are going to improve.”

The lack of a responsible representative, someone all members can go to with complaints and queries, has been a problem that should be eradicated with Donovan’s election. The psychology student, beginning her final year in September, is confident that the problems that have beset the competition throughout its history can be overcome. She intends to be firm in ensuring that the ethos of fair play can be re-established into the competitions: “I really want to be quite strict on the rules because it will improve everyone’s enjoyment.

It’s not being strict for the sake of being strict but it will be good for everyone.”

Donovan’s involvement within the Union as this year’s Women’s Officer will, she believes, provide the valuable knowledge required to instigate change within the system in which she will work next year: “I’ve played IMG netball for two years and this year I’ve been a non-sabbatical officer, so I have a good idea of how to actually change the way IMG is run.

“The main problems so far, from a netball perspective, are the lack of teams allowed and the standard of refereeing. I know this is a problem in football too, as well as players from different universities, like UWIC, playing on a Wednesday. In two years of playing I’ve never been asked to show my AU card so hopefully we’ll encourage this and penalise teams who use players from other universities.”

D

believe it is a healthy competitive spirit which underpins the success of their marriage. port and competition is something that is ingrained in the Grey-Thompson blood. Carys spends much of her time travelling the world, accompanying Tanni to events and, in theory, providing moral support.

"It was quite funny in Athens because my first final was a disaster," Tanni explains. "I was crying and I went to see Carys afterwards and I said to her ‘Did you see mummy’s race?’ and she said ‘No, I was eating a hotdog.’" Her daughter has what Tanni calls a ‘healthy disrespect’ for her mother’s world of athletics. But then she is only three.

And yet, this is in contrast with Carys’s behaviour when she is let loose on the track herself: "She ran her first race when she was 18

months old. She can do a proper four point start and she can run in a lane for 100 metres. Because she spends a lot of time at the track you encourage her to do things properly but I’m not pushing her. If she wants to run that’s lovely but if she doesn’t then I’ll be equally happy. I don’t care what she is and I don’t want all that pressure on her. I just want her to do whatever makes her happy and at the moment she wants to be a gymnast because she likes sparkly tops and having her hair in ponytails."

Grey-Thompson admits to having a fiery temper but motherhood and continued track success seem to provide the perfect combination for continued contentment, both personal and professional. Her outlook is perhaps best summed up by her attitude to those bullies who would repeatedly steal her coat 20 years ago: "It was only a horrible old school mac anyway."

Donovan will be looking to build on the work of the previous IMG Chair, Beca Murphy, in the hope that the year-long absence of an incumbent will not hinder her chances of successfully transforming the competitions.

Donovan will be helped by the recently announced IMG sponsorship deal with Deloitte.

Plans for an inaugural IMG fair are set to revolutionise the way teams attract players and Donovan is hopeful it will begin the new year of IMG sport in a positive manner, with the competitions receiving the acknowledgement she clearly believes they deserve.

Like the FA executives, Donovan’s new-found position of power leaves her open to scrutiny and students’ criticism, but she is hopeful of creating a more harmonious atmosphere than the one on Merseyside in recent times.

DONOVAN: Face of IMG

S

Donovan set to make her mark on IMG

By John Stanton Sports Editor

A

s the Football Association and Uefa, European football’s governing body, have found to their irritation in recent weeks, there is no substitute for clarity and organisation in the governance of sport.

As Everton and Liverpool battled for the disputed Champions League qualification slot, election as co-ordinator of a university sports competition might seem a little mundane. After all, when Clare Donovan rules on controversial decisions in next year’s IMG, her verdict is unlikely to cost anyone millions.

And yet the position she will undertake in September is of real importance. Athletic

Union President elect Lisa Gwinnett claims that over half of the AU’s members compete in what is the UK’s largest inter-mural competition.

Donovan will be answerable to them and it is a daunting prospect: “It’s going to be difficult. I’m not totally naïve about the whole thing.”

The year-long, post-merger absence of an IMG Chair has caused certain logistical problems and provided further ammunition for those who claim that IMG is deemed to be of secondary importance in the eyes of University and Union officials.

Its return as a non-sabbatical post is a boost for the competition’s participants, who make up the weekly football, netball and rugby competitions. It suggests that the Union realises the importance of the leagues to students and is pre-

pared to demonstrate this through actions, rather than words alone.

Donovan is confident that next year can be a watershed for IMG and that she can help to spearhead its development: “I think Lisa being elected as AU President is a very positive step because I know she’s very encouraging about IMG and increased participation. I think it would be good if there was a

“I think it would be good if there was a whole culture change around IMG”

Clare Donovan

Sport

June 6 2005

Page 31

That was the year that was

Deputy Sports Editor Tim Lewis looks back at the ups and downs of sport at Cardiff University since September gair rhydd Sport 2004/05 in numbers

September CARDIFF UNIVERSITY was well represented in a Great Britain team that managed one of its best results in recent history at the summer Olympic Games in Athens.

Although Cardiff’s athletes narrowly missed out on any medals, the overall team performance helped to restore some pride back to the nation.

Cardiff mountain bikers enjoyed some success among the sport’s top professionals in the Saab/Solomon Mountain Mayhem event held in June. The weather was anything but sunshine as the mountain bike team battled through torrential rain to take part in this 24-hour endurance test.

University golfers Billy Hemstock and Elliot Shaw gave an excellent account of themselves at the Boyd Quaich Championships at St. Andrews in Scotland.

Playing at the home of golf, Hemstock managed an impressive round of level par to finish the competition in seventh, while Shaw managed a very respectable 27th place finish in a quality filed of 72.

Quote of the month: "I’ll be so nervous. I won’t know what to wear." Cardiff Olympian Dr Shelley Newman’s reaction to being invited to a Team GB reception with the Queen.

October AS THE ATHLETIC Union unveiled some exciting new plans to change the structure of IMG, record numbers of Cardiff students filled the Great Hall for the annual AU Sports Fair.

The first-come, first-serve basis of registration meant that some high profile IMG teams in both football and netball missed out on a chance to compete in this season’s league. Attempts to improve the standard of the IMG after some controversies in previous seasons led to the introduction of a host of new rules, notably a championship decider match to be played at the end of the men’s football season.

Cardiff rowing club made the back page for all the wrong reasons when eight of its members had to be rescued by the emergency services after getting into trouble during a training session on the river Taff. The club’s boat and equipment were dragged over the river’s weir, with an estimated loss of £20,000 worth of equipment.

The students were left waiting on a small submerged island in the middle of the river.

Quote of the month: "The cox is the individual who effectively guides the boat and whose job it is to anticipate potential problems."

CJ Hyde, Rowing Club Secretary.

November JAMES COLE’S dramatic suspension as president of the AU caused a slight air of uncertainty among students unsure of how this would affect sport at the University.

On the pitch, Cardiff took maximum points in nearly all of the BUSA fixtures that took place that week. Excellent results for the men’s and ladies’ firsts rugby teams, lacrosse firsts and the football teams made sure that it was a great week for the University.

Everything was not so great for the women’s fencing team, when confusion over the booking of the gym meant they had to complete a

244 University-based sports articles this year.

176 original photographs commissioned and printed.

105 pages of sport in total.

40 different sports covered this year. The full list includes: korfball, octopush,mountain biking, American football, triathlon, volleyball, canoe polo and fencing.

10s MOMENTS: Men’s rugby in Hong Kong PHOTOGRAPHERS: Clockwise from above: David Southwood; Adam Gasson; Nick Parnell; Nick Parnell

PEDAL POWER: Biker Phil Shucksmith

26 men’s rugby articles, the most frequently covered sport this year.

12 pages of pre-Varsity pull-out.

11 Columns written by the head of the Athletic Union. Two written by James Cole and nine by Fraser Watson.

7 interviews with national stars, including Ewan Thomas and Joe Calzaghe.

BATTERED: Cricket season ended disappointingly BUSA match in a law lecture theatre. It wasn’t long before the Athletic Union came under fire again, this time from the Medics rugby team who were forced to train in a car park. Questions were raised over the ability of the Athletic Union to accommodate the Medics after the recent merger.

It was soon announced that James Cole would not be replaced as AU President, with Union President Gary Rees combining the two roles.

It had certainly been a difficult month for the AU but Rees was soon making swift assurances that the University would continue to perform well both on and off the pitch.

Quote of the Month: "Contrary to popular belief, on the seventh day God did not rest, he created Yiannas’ right hand." AFC History manager speaking about his goalkeeper’s heroics against Banko.

December AS THE pre-Christmas leagues in IMG drew to a close, allegations of unfair behaviour were rife, with teams looking to secure a Premiership place.

When Law fielded a very similar B team against Momed to that who had played in the A team a few weeks previously, they were accused of ensuring that both teams would progress into the Premiership unfairly. The case was taken up by AU Vice-President Fraser Watson who rearranged the game at the unusual time of a

6 full pages of results.

Sunday afternoon. Unsurprisingly, neither teams could fulfil the fixture and Law B took the points by default.

The Medics rugby team continued to raise concerns about the problems that they faced after the merger with Cardiff University.

Medics rugby coach Huw Davies spoke out against the University over what he described as "an imbalance in lots of aspects in men’s rugby at the University."

Quote of the Month: "We’ve been shafted." Momed Chairman Tom Shedden on Law’s unsporting behaviour.

Championship in Sheffield. Engin continued to be the surprise package of the IMG, holding the reigning champions Law to a 0-0 draw and cementing their place at the top of the Premiership. Cardiff ladies’ lacrosse team were unable to reproduce the outstanding form they showed before Christmas as they were comprehensively beaten

by Exeter and knocked out of the BUSA cup.

Quote of the Month: "Octopush? That’s a James Bond film isn’t it?" Gareth Evans interviews one of Cardiff’s lesserknown sports teams.

February AFTER THE Christmas break everyone was keen to get back on track as a new term of sport kicked off.

Cardiff ladies’ football started the new term with a bang, drawing at home to Bristol to secure the BUSA Championship. Cardiff Medics continued the success when they became crowned the best Medics rugby team in the UK by defeating Imperial in the final of the Medics cup.

Cardiff University A netball team continued to dominate the IMG, sitting at the top of the table and without dropping a single point. Cardiff women’s rugby team surrendered a two-year unbeaten home record to get dumped out of the BUSA Championship in the first round of the knock-out stage.

Cardiff postgraduate Natalie Lewis picked up a 1500m silver medal in the UK Indoor

March THE MEN’S Hockey team continued a great season with a big win over Hertfordshire as they moved confidently into the semi-finals of the BUSA shield.

Striker Nick Gough scored in the opening minutes and Cardiff never looked back, dominating a side rated as one of the best in the competition.

The men’s and women’s water polo teams went one better by reaching the BUSA finals with great wins at the semi-finals in Walsall.

At the foot of the IMG, Socsi and the English Society battled it out to avoid the tag of the worst football team in IMG. What the match may have been lacking in quality it certainly made up for in passion, Socsi managed to hold on in a very tense match to claim their biggest win of the season.

The yachting club cast away all

SLIDING AWAY: Ladies’ football in action against Aberystwyth in April doubts of not competing this year when they raised over £600 packing bags and entertaining customers at Sainsbury’s and, with a little extra help from the University, managed to put together enough money to ensure BUSA status. Cardiff University A continued their total control of IMG netball, the title was almost theirs with a few games left to play as noone looked like breaking their unbeaten run.

Quote of the Month: "We are hoping for another home draw in the semi-final, but no one will want to play us." Hockey captain Tom Gough in confident mood.

Earth Soc to set up the IMG finale with Engin.

The University rugby team were showing off their talents on an international stage with a series of excellent wins at the Hong Kong 10s competition. Only losing two games in the whole competition, Cardiff were narrowly beaten in the semi-final but there was a lot to be taken from the trip half way around the world.

Quote of the Month: "Hopefully it will be just as good, and maybe even bigger, next year."

Fanny Hill and David Hoare of the canoe polo team on their home event.

April CARDIFF’S cheerleading squad, The Snakecharmers, grabbed a magnificent second place at the British Cheerleading Association University Competition.

It was the first time that a squad from Cardiff had entered the competition but they didn’t show any nerves as they moved their way into the medals.

The Cardiff lacrosse team travelled to Dublin, picking up two more trophies to complement the four titles they had already won during the season. The men’s and women’s teams have been one of the success stories this season, exceeding all expectations in bringing back six titles to the Welsh capital.

In IMG, just when it looked like they were out of the running, Law A pulled off a fine victory against

May IN ARGUABLY the biggest event in the University sporting calendar, Cardiff were narrowly beaten by bitter rivals Swansea in a rain-soaked Varsity game at the Brewery field.

The magnificent support of nearly 2000 Cardiff followers was not quite enough to spur the team on to victory but a great evening was had by all. The highlight of the day was Cardiff retaining the Varsity shield with some crushing victories over Swansea. The ladies’ football team and men’s hockey teams pulled out some of the best displays of the season to make sure the shield stayed where it belongs.

Law A became one of the few sides to retain the IMG trophy for two seasons with an emphatic 5-0 win over Engin A at Llanrumney in the conclusion of the IMG season. Engin, who had topped the

IMG for most of the season, failed to show some of the quality they had produced on many occasions over the season and failed to trouble Law. Cardiff finished off the season in style with five Welsh Cup triumphs in one day and a national victory for the men’s hockey team to ensure another successful season for sport at the University. It was a great day for the girls as the ladies’ football, rugby, hockey and netball teams all claimed excellent end-of-year victories. The ladies’ rugby team also secured promotion from their BUSA league thanks to a hard-fought victory over Brunel. While most teams finished their seasons and prepared for exams, the cricket team were just starting their campaign.

A weak Cardiff side was crushed by a rampant Southampton in their opening game of the season.

Cardiff showed some indifferent form over the remainder of the season, losing to rivals UWIC before comfortably beating Brighton. The second XI left themselves a chance of BUSA progression with a fine win over Bath in which Tom McNeil blasted a season’s best 91 to give Cardiff the victory.

Quote of the Month: "John sustained a suspected broken leg in the first tackle of the game and played onto half-time with the injury. He had to be plied with morphine at half time." Rugby captain Owain Griffith on the commitment shown by his team on Varsity day.

Comeback kings crowned champions of Europe T

he late, great Bill Shankly once infamously described football as more important than life or death. In the year that football commemorated the 39 lives lost at Heysel – the last time Liverpool appeared in a European Cup final – few who stood under the mosaic memorial as Anfield welcomed Juventus back in March would have dreamt Liverpool would be returning to the elite of European football on a blustery Turkish night.

Even I, waiting in a Manchester airport bar on the Monday evening, laughed at the drunken ramblings of a fan who had missed his flight. "There’s no way it’ll be a dull, defensive match," he slurred. "It’ll be an attacking game. If they score three, you can bet we’ll score four."

Few of the 40,000 who travelled to the very borders of Europe would have shared such

sentiments. At no point during my journey that would take in three capital cities and two continents did my optimism rise much above a narrow 1-0 victory. This would, however, not stop the travelling faithful from living the dream.

Upon landing on the Asian side of the ancient city of Istanbul, the carnival of red and white began. Locals greeted us with souvenir headwear, flags and guide books, as we crammed into buses to make the journey to the heart of the city, and the heart of the party, at Taksim Square. Here, football fans united. The very notion of hooliganism was dispelled, as English, Italian and Turkish fans exchanged scarves and stories to a backdrop of alcoholinduced song.

By the time the buses to the stadium were filled, the anticipation upon faces was visible. It had been 20 years since Liverpool had appeared on such a stage, and on that night in

Belgium there was little to celebrate. Those who sang proudly on the seemingly endless journey to the outer region of the city were certainly not going to waste this opportunity.

Despite UEFA’s failings in 1985, they certainly weren’t making amends tonight. The newly built, yet seemingly unfinished, Ataturk stadium was evidently unsuitable even before arrival. The sole road to and from the ground soon became a scene of chaos, as fans abandoned the hundreds of buses and taxis that negotiated the busy roads in favour of completing the journey by foot.

As we made our way over the miles of wasteland that surrounded the stadium, the image was that of a biblical pilgrimage towards the promised land.

The words of Shankly rang true: for those in attendance, this game meant everything, and nothing was going to stand in the way of the thousands of fans. Even the lack of basic

food and water supplies at the ground didn’t dampen the mood.

A few hours later, as I found myself burying my head deeper and deeper into my scarf at halftime, hoping it would somehow turn back the clock on a disasterous opening 45 minutes, even the glimmer of optimism I was feeding on had gone.

Many had gone to extreme measures to get to this game (one friend of mine would travel through 10 countries to get there and home), yet I doubt any would have bothered based on what we were witnessing.

Behind me, a group contemplated leaving. Others couldn’t even find it in themselves to do that.

And yet as those joking themselves into believing we could achieve the impossible comeback held scarves aloft, that ageold Liverpool anthem began.

"With hope in your hearts" we sang, as we began to maybe, just maybe, believe it was possible.

The rest, as they say, is history.

PHOTO: Sam Coare

Quench Music Editor and life-long Liverpool supporter Sam Coare relives his special night in Istanbul in search of Champions League glory

FLYING THE FLAG: Liverpool fans gather outside the Ataturk stadium

If a week’s a long time in politics, a year’s Tanni Grey-Thompson an age in sport interview Page 30 Review of the year page 31

SPORT

ISSUE 790

JUNE 7 2004

Rugby post renewed as Medics IMG sponsor deal marred by brand Evans ‘disrespectful’ spending row

By John Stanton Sports Editor THE ANNOUNCEMENT that the University is set to appoint a Rugby Development Co-ordinator for a further three years has been met with anger by Medics rugby coach Huw Davies.

The post, currently occupied

by Adrian Evans, is set to be remodelled, but the University has refused to confirm that Evans will be offered a new contract.

Speculation had been mounting that funding for the role would be withdrawn, following a year blighted by post-merger criticism and a second consecutive Cardiff Varsity defeat.

Evans refused to comment on reports surrounding his future, despite the news that Gary Stephens, Head of Sport and Exercise, had insisted the role would continue. Stephens said: “Agreement in principle has been reached relating to the funding of a rugby post for a three-year period commencing 1 July 2005. It is the intention that the new post will co-ordinate and oversee all aspects of rugby at the University: men, women and IMG.” It is also believed that the new post will include responsibility for the Medics rugby team, who come under the banner of Cardiff University since the

“We’ve not been consulted. I would have thought that we’d have had some kind of input but apparently not” Huw Davies

By John Stanton Sports Editor

FIELD OF DREAMS: University rugby is set to continue its development ahead of next year’s Varsity merger last year. Medics coach Davies admitted that he had not been informed of the decision: “We’ve not been consulted. I would have thought that we’d have had some kind of input but apparently not.

“If he had a role with us, given the way he’s spoken about us, then that would certainly be a problem. I’m not a believer in a paid rugby coach at this level.

Without a paid coaching role, Cardiff Medics have a better record of producing Welsh internationals and provincial players than the University side and our record against them in recent times is far superior. I’d much prefer to see the money spent on equipment, scrummaging machines and pads, than on a

coach.”

Davies has also branded Evans ‘disrespectful’ after the Cardiff coach told his Medics counterpart that he had no intention of playing a friendly between the two sides, despite Davies’s attempts to explain that the fixture is steeped in history.

Davies said: “Adrian said he didn’t believe there was a tradition of the two sides playing each other which I find surprising. It’s also contrary to what I’ve been told by the Cardiff players I’ve spoken to and to what my players have heard from some of Cardiff ’s team.”

Evans says he had nothing to do with the fixture’s absence this year. He added: “The players had no interest in it. It was put to

“The men’s rugby team would fall apart if they didn’t have a Rugby Coordinator” Melissa Beer the committee and they rejected it.”

Davies has also expressed other concerns about the nature of the rugby setup at the

University: “One of my fears is that there are people who have an agenda for a merged rugby team. If some people do think that, then our message to them is ‘Think again.’”

He added: “We’ve been disappointed with the funding we’ve had this year when, post-merger, we should have had proportionately the same facilities and funding.”

But Cardiff ’s newly elected 1st XV captain Tom Hocking hailed the news as a success for university rugby. He said: “The post has been a massive boost for the club and Adrian has provided a real platform for success. The workload definitely requires a full-time paid employee.”

THERE IS uncertainty over the use of new funds available to the organisers of the IMG leagues next year.

Financial heavyweights Deloitte have agreed, in principle, to sponsor the leagues and will supply a sizeable amount of money to contribute to their development.

Yet those who control the leagues’ f inances have expressed different opinions as to how the money will be best spent.

Incoming IMG Chair Clare Donovan, who will begin her post in September, said: “At the moment the budget’s really small but hopefully the new money will go towards the IMG awards. It would be good if there were medals for everybody.”

Nick King, Athletic Union Development Co-ordinator and the person responsible for securing the deal with Deloitte, believes students would rather see the money spent on maintaining pitch availability and ensuring everyone has access to competitive sport.

He said: “This investment will help to cover rising pitch costs. We want to guarantee Melissa Beer, former treasurer of the women’s rugby club and its longest serving member, also expressed her delight that the position would be retained.

She said: “The men’s rugby team would fall apart if they didn’t have a Rugby Co-ordinator.

Adrian is also one of the best things the women’s team could possibly have.”

Martyn Lewis, the current IMG rugby representative, was also pleased that the position would continue in some form: “This is definitely good news for IMG and the rugby team itself. He’s done exactly what he said he would do, taking players such as Simon Westwood from IMG and into the first team.”

It is also believed that any

everyone has a pitch on a Wednesday afternoon so that people don’t have to play on weekends or not play at all.”

Problems experienced this year have included lack of facilities and a poor standard of refereeing. King has insisted that he intends to provide students with questionnaires so that they can decide how the money should be spent.

Donovan is keen to ensure that two representatives from each IMG team take a refereeing course next year. She expects that this will also be funded using the sponsorship money provided by Deloitte.

Deloitte are believed to be keen on gaining greater exposure in the student market and are also thought to be intent on promoting their job opportunities to Cardiff graduates.

A contract is expected to be signed shortly.

DELOITTE: Big bucks new contract will include specific targets which will need to be met if the University is to continue its sizeable investment.

Mari Ropstad, former captain of the women’s rugby team, said: “He’s never been interested in anything that we’ve tried to do. I just hope the targets are very specific so he is accountable.”

The row comes at the same time as Athletic Union VicePresident Fraser Watson claimed that the work of the AU had been undermined by the University’s indecision in taking responsibility for Cardiff ’s sporting structure. Watson has also called on the University to increase its investment in sport and to give it the attention he says it merits.

Athletic Union anger at University’s ‘failure to take responsibility for sport’

By Thom Airs Sports Editor CARDIFF’S ATHLETIC Union Vice-President Fraser Watson has this week questioned the University’s desire to promote sporting activities, urging for the allocation of more funds and resources.

The comments come after the second-year English student called for a reassessment of the University’s priorities: “It’s possibly time for the University hierarchy to question if they are sufficiently funding both the Athletic Union and its clubs, and whether or not they really want to become a prominent sporting university,” Watson said last week.

Watson describes how the hard work of the Athletic Union staff was at times undermined by “the University’s reluctance to take responsibility or provide real guidance over the sporting

structure in regards to the merger [of UWCM and Cardiff University, at the beginning of the year].”

Watson, who will vacate his post at the end of this month, is keen to see Cardiff ’s sports teams mentioned in the same breath as those from renowned sporting institutions: “In universities such as Loughborough, sport is viewed as a priority and serious time and money is dedicated to providing students with qualified coaches and adequate facilities.

“Ultimately, the sporting progress of any university is heavily dependent on the emphasis and level of importance placed upon it.”

With The Times recently confirming Cardiff ’s position as the top academic university in Wales, Watson is hopeful that the University can better the sporting performances of UWIC, who currently boast the title of the principality’s top

sporting institution: “Our aim isn’t specifically to catch UWIC, we simply want to be up there with the best sporting universities in Britain. However, it is certainly advisable to take note of the increased facilities and coaching structures at places like UWIC that have

“It’s time for the University to question if they want to become a prominent sporting university” Fraser Watson

enabled them to excel.”

Despite hoping for improved performances in the coming years, Watson, who has deputised in the role of AU President since October, has reflected on what he saw as a positive year for Cardiff ’s sports teams: “Eight of our sides secured BUSA league titles and, through the men’s hockey team, we tasted success in the BUSA knockouts. Nationally, we’ve won five Welsh Cup titles and comfortably retained the Varsity Shield.”

Whilst teams such as lacrosse and women’s rugby have swept all before them this year in league competitions, yet another Varsity rugby defeat back in April has left Cardiff trailing their Swansea rivals once again.

While under no illusions that money is the panacea for the university’s sporting ills, Watson will hope that an injection of funds will boost Cardiff ’s sporting credentials.

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RECOMMENDED

Muddiman, Sefton and Schmit’s top tips for Cardiff Summertime fun - bucket and spade not required

Schmit

T

he country will be Schmit-less this summer as I venture off to Canada. In my absence however, I leave you with my top picks for the summer, so please take note, and enjoy them on my behalf.

My first pick may have gone unnoticed by many due to its venue, though I’m sure that fans of this guy won’t want to miss it. It is, of course, the inexplicably funny Rob Brydon, who brings the Keith Barrett Show Live to the Cardiff Bay’s Millennium Centre on July 17th.

Fans can expect Brydon’s live show to follow the format of the TV series as Keith tries to answer the eternal question, what makes a successful relationship?

There will be the usual brand of hilariously downtrodden yet optimistic humour as Wales's most famous and loved divorcee delights audiences with his own

Pick of t s Sum he mer

Sefton

L

et me guide you through my most hearty recommendations for the Summer months with both eyes fixed firmly on jazz and world music quarters (ye narrow-minded, turn back now).

This year Cardiff Worldport Festival returns for its 4th year, spreading itself across various venues and genres.

Its jazz offerings this year include the veteran British

saxophonist, Peter King, performing at Café Jazz on 30th June, and the fairly pedestrian Clare Teal at St David’s Hall on 4th July accompanied by none other than Clint Eastwood’s bassist son, Kyle .

The real treat though, is the remarkable duo of British saxophonist, Iain Ballamy and Norwegian button accordianist, Stian Carstensen at St

Muddiman L

ondon isn’t the only big British city with a serious claim to decent summer culture you know. No Siree. Case in point: the Welsh Proms.

Under the artistic direction of Owain Arwel Hughes OBE (to your right) the Welsh Proms Cardiff Centenary Season 2005 marks the 20th year of this much-loved feast of music.

The Welsh Proms run from

the 14th to the 23rd July at St. David’s Hall. Just the thing with which to while away those oh so long hot summer evenings that we’re all looking forward to.

A good one for beginners is the French prom, boasting three tunes that any self-respecting member of society ought to be able to

Monday06/06

Pick Of The Day Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians / singers sign in at the door to perform with the house trio (get there early if you want to do so). Varying quality of playing / singing but always an enjoyable night out. Sometimes you get to see something truly, embarrassingly godawful. 8.45pm. £2 / £1 (performers).

New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies & Mr Potter.

7-11pm. £1 NUS.

Tuesday07/06 Pick Of The Day Comedy Club @Seren Las, SU News on the grapevine says there will be some folk recording proceedings this week, maybe even for the fine people at Channel 4 so comb your mustache and fine tune your heckles for TV infamy awaits.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience.

9pm. £2.50.

Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm-2am. Free.

Acoustic Open Mic @bSb Presented by jim jam (who they?). 8.30pm-12.30pm.

Open Mic @The Toucan ...again.

Memphis 7 @Cafe Jazz Good ol’ traditional jazz from some older fellas who, if rumour’s are to be believed (which they probably shouldn’t be), all met whilst working as stunt doubles for the Magnificent Seven. 8.45pm.

Venues

Finally, if you want to experience music with a festival atmosphere but without the festival fuss, head along to see REM and The Zutons, and Feeder, in the breath-taking Millennium Stadium on July 10th.

From rebellious darlings of indie and alt rock in the 80s to superstar stadium-filling rock in the present day, REM are sure to be worth a peek if you’re still in the capital this summer.

I admit I’m not the biggest REM fan but The Zutons are worthy of the ticket price alone - a four-piece from Liverpool playing a magical blend of blues, jazz, and pop.

They are from the same stable that produced The Coral and their scallydelic sound charts a heady course through Dylan, bluegrass, Zappa and funk.

Well, enjoy your summer and be sure to rest your heads after the past year’s antics.

David’s Hall on 2nd July.

In Little Radio they produced one of the standout jazz albums of 2004 and if reports are to be believed, live performances are no l e s s rewarding.

Sitting somewhere between contemporary jazz diva and urban chantuese, Amy Winehouse nestles comfortably in her one woman

genre. See her at St David’s Hall on 3rd July.

Music lovers seeking sounds from further afield should take a look at Radio Tarifa on 2nd July at St D av i d ’s Hall and Grupo Sambando at The Point, Cardiff Bay, July 3.

BBC World Music and Grammy nominees, Radio Tarifa, fuse Spanish

and Arabic music styles, producing music laden with melody and rich in rhythm.

Performing Pagode and Choro (genres of Samba), Grupo Sambando have a loyal following in Brazil but are rarely play live in the UK. The Welsh Proms follows hot on the Worldport Festival’s heels, and as is now customary the Proms programme includes a World Prom and a Jazz Prom.

Rather predictably, both slots are filled by female

singers. The Jazz Prom on July 18th sees rising British star, Gwyneth Herbert bring her band to St David’s Hall for well delivered if conservative jazz standards and originals.

The absolute must-see of the Cardiff festival season, however, must be the enchanting Mariza, a Portuguese fado singer who has revitalised the traditions of the musical form considered by many to be Portugal’s answer to the Blues.

Mariza performs at the World Music Prom at St David’s Hall on 17 July. Book soon to be moved and beguiled by this incredible singer.

hum along to without much difficulty: Dukas’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice think Mickey Mouse and a mishap involving enchanted buckets, mops and the like, that leads to disastrous flooding and severe chastisement from the not-tooimpressed Sorcerer in Fantasia.

Saint-Saëns’ Symphony Number Three - which appeared on the soundtrack to the unfortunately American but nonetheless endearingmotion p i c t u re , Babe.

A n d Fa u r é ’s Pavane sacrilegiously used for the theme tune to some football tournament or other (World Cup 1998 I believe).

Joining these three friendly lovelies is Ravel’s Bolero and Berlioz’s Roman Carnival Overture.

Of course, if you want the full flag-waving, streamer-throwing, hand-clapping prom classic then it really has to be The Last Night of the Proms for you.

Although you won’t be treated to the fireworks that those fancy cockneys get down in London town it promises to be a night to remember.

All proms have standing

tickets available from £5 – it has to be done, you know.

Prom stands for promenade, which means ‘to walk’.

Get the hint? If you really can’t face standing through the concert and would rather sit like the miserable party pooper we suspected you were, you’ll be pleased to know there are similarly priced seats available at the flash of your humble NUS card.

You can find full Welsh Proms 2005 concerts details and booking information at www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk or book tickets via telephone on 02920 878444.

And of course, we wouldn’t want you at a loose end this week...

Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am. Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends with nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc.

Occasional free chocolate!0 Check it out. 8pm-2am.

Free.

woeful relationship experiences.

This summer the CIA proves to be a venue with appeal to those with diverse musical tastes. On July 2nd it plays host to the mighty Kings of Leon, who’ll no doubt massacre everyone there with Southern, hillbilly, rock ‘n’ rolling.

A day later the venue gets a touch of Bling, as the Dogfather himself, Snoop Dog, brings his gangsta rap to the CIA stage.

If you’re into heavier music, then ‘du hast’ to get tickets for Rammstein, who play the CIA on July 18th. I’m sure they will, as always, amaze and shock us with their acclaimed stage show.

If you are desperate to visit the CIA but none of these appeal, maybe my final recommendation will; Jamiroquai on the September 13th, proving that all you need to be a famous funky popster is, well... a big hat.

wednesday08/06

Rubber Duck @Solus, SU Beach Party. Or if you pefer why not pronounce it Be-Ach Party and pretend like yous a bad mutha. 10pm. £3.

Wednesday Social @The Barfly Bring your jew’s harp.

12noon-2.30pm.

Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors. Witness the overspill.

10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Cheapskates @Metros Alt & cheese. 9pm-2am.

No Disco @Moloko The name changes every so often. The music remains roughly the same. Electro with a touch of class from the likes of Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. 8pm-3am. Free.

All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club / Popscene / Milky Bar. 9.30pm. £2.50 NUS. Bread and Butter @The Toucan Hip hop and new beats. 10pm. £2.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn And torture the MC. 8pm.

Pick Of The Day Mash Cinema Presents ‘Future Shorts’ @Cafe Jazz Exciting and innovative short films and music vids from around the world. 9pm. £3.

Dave Jones @Riverbank Hotel Superb jazz pianist and group. 9pm. £2/£3 NUS.

THURSDAY09/06

Devious @Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Metal @Metros Er... metal. Iron, lead, you name it. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop / breaks / drum ‘n’ bass night.

This week featuring DJ First Rate and human beatbox, Koobs. Plus residents and visuals. 8pm-3am. Free before 11pm, £3 after.

Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul/hippy funk with The Pockets. 8pm-1am. £3/£2.

Origami @bSb Breaks and ‘mash-ups’ (a phrase finding increasing currency as a catch-all ‘we don’t know what’ll be played’ term).

Pick Of The Day Bill Fletcher CoOperative @Cafe Jazz Double bass-led quintet justly held in high regard by those in the know. Taking their cues from the likes of Charles Mingus, Astor Piazzolla, and Abdullah Ibrahim, lyricism and atmosphere abound, complemented by exceptional soloing by all concerned.

Features Greg Evans (drums), Simon Fenoulhet (piano), Sadie Finch (flute) and Eurig morgan (trumpet). 8.45pm. £5/£3.

Day By Day FRIDAY10/06

Quality Control @Taf, SU Hosted by DJ Killer Tomato.

Hip hop, funk, breaks, d‘n’b.

9pm-2am. Free.

Fat Friday @Solus, SU A revamped Lashtastic.

Some kind of Latin / funk business in the Junction bar and so called ‘Urban Groove’ in the Xpress Lounge at the back. 10pm2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

Pick Of The Day Off The Shelf @bSb Beats, hip hop, breaks, drum ‘n’ bass, with Reload DJs, Kovas, and regular guests. These guys know what they’re doing - go and enjoy.

9pm-2am.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro.

10pm. £3.50.

Mad4It! @Barfly Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors, etc, etc. Yawn.

10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Smokey Smothers and the Mellow Fellows @Cafe Jazz Blues group with a terrible name but we’ve heard good things about their music. Presented by Blues Dragon Club. 10pm. £3.

SATURDAY11/06 Pick Of The Day The Summer Ball @Cooper’s Field As if you didn’t already know, it’s Cardiff University Summer Ball 2005. Tony Christie, 911, The Honeyz, Estelle, DJ Spoony, booze, booze, hurl, booze, burger, hurl, booze. £35. Gates 6pm.

Fly Swatter @Barfly Ben & Rich have a change of name but no change of heart.

40 years of classic and current indie. 10.30pm. £3 NUS. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music.

9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Mind Your Head @Toucan Downstairs at the Toucan: Captain Paranoid & guest MCs. Free B4 10pm/£3.50 after.

Mothership Convention @Toucan Upstairs at the Toucan: Cardiff's longest standing 'Live' funk night hosted by Funki Dregz and the Intergalactic Funk Federation. Live bands from across the galaxy along with the best local rare groove and nu-beat DJ. 10pm - 2am.

Free entry before 10pm.

SUNDAY12/06

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU Questions. 7.30pm. £3 per team.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3s and be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Acoustic Cafe @Toucan Bar Open mic sessions. Get up and jam or take it easy and listen in. They provide the guitar and mic; you provide the talent. Hosted by Peter & Lee. A duo in the classic mould of Cannon and Ball but with far less offensive faces and, we trust, at least a smidgen of musical acumen.

8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Pick Of The Day Reread gair rhydd @Any place you like dear reader Well, this is it: The last proper gair rhydd of the year. Go on, take out your ornately ornamented box of pristinely kept back issues and leaf through them (with care, mind) to relive the giddy highs and stomach churning lows of Cardiff student print media’s year in, er... print.

Best of luck to Mr Will Schmit whose steady hand will be at the rudder of Listings next year. May he manage to abuse the position at least as much as I have. Sefton.

Students’ Union, Park Place / 02920 387421 / www.cardiffstudents.com … Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park / 02920 744948 … Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street / 02920 232199 / www.clwb.net … The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street / 02920 372212 / www.toucanclub.co.uk … Barfly, Kingsway / Tickets: 08709070999 / www.barflyclub.com/cardiff … Metros, Bakers Row / 02920 399939 / www.clubmetropolitan.com … Dempseys, Castle Street / 02920 252024 … Moloko, 7 Mill Lane / 02920 225592 … Incognito, Park Place / 02920 412190 … Liquid, St. Mary Street / 02920645464 … The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street / 02920 230678 … Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street / 02920 387026 / www.cafejazzcardiff.com … The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street / www.riverbankjazz.co.uk … St. David’s Hall, The Hayes / 02920 878444 / www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk … Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton / 02920 304400 / www.chapter.org … Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay / 0870 0402000 / www.wmc.org.uk … The New Theatre, Park Place / 02920 878889 / www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk … The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road / 02920 646900 / www.shermantheatre.co.uk … The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay / 0870 2415093 / www.glee.co.uk … Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street / 02920 224488 … The Millennium Stadium / Can’t miss it / www.millenniumstadium.com