gair rhydd - Issue 794

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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

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ISSUE 794 October 10 2005

MOBILE ALARM QUENCH Media look at the abuse of modern technology

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NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04

More streetmates than an episode of Corrie

NIGHT QUENCH YOUR THIRST - free inside

KNIGHT

President of NUS Wales quits - full story Page 4

News

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October 10 2005

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At

a

Slated, hated, reinstated glance

October 10 2005 News Editorial & Opinion Letters Geordie Politics Taf Od Media Science/Environment Dear Amber Health Grab!

Television Five Min Fun Jobs & Money Listings Sport

By Carrie Farwell News Editor

1 6 8 9 11 12 13 15 17 19 20 21 29 30 32 34

EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Loki LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Conner TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan, Chris Brett MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN Colm Loughlin HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson PROOF READERS Rebecca Hunt, Jess Anderson, Elgan Iorwerth, Fatima Bibi-Mannam, Sarah Crosbie, Rosemarie Leech, Zandria Horton CONTRIBUTORS Rebecca Wright, Chris White, Andrew Rennison, Charlotte Stonebridge, Huw Davies, Fenar Mohammed-Ali, Andrew Rennison, Claire King, Paul Hunt, Jess Anderson, Sarah Morgan, Rich Brown, Hannah Pole, Mari Elin ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students Union

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THE PRESIDENT of Middlesex University Students’ Union has been reinstated following a disciplinary hearing after he was suspended for refusing to cancel a meeting with a controversial Islamic group.

Keith Shilson said he was wrong not to abandon the debate with the radical group Hizb ut-Tahrir and agreed "not to issue any further invitations to any controversial outside speaker without the full agreement of the University".

After ignoring management pressure to cancel the controversial September meeting, Shilson was suspended and the university instructed the Union to cancel its invitation to Hizb ut-Tahrir.

In his apology, Shilson said that he accepted the University was perfectly within its rights to issue the instruction to cancel the question and answer session and thanked them for permitting him to

FEARS RISE OVER CATHAYS VOYEUR

return to his duties as president of the Students’ Union.

He added that he looked forward to working with the university "in support of freedom of speech with responsibility" and has agreed not to comment any further on his negotiations with the college.

Fears for the reputation of Middlesex University have since grown and University authorities have been ridiculed by The Guardian newspaper for forcing Shilson to sign an "excruciatingly abject" apology that it described as reminiscent of "Cultural Revolution-style Maoist self-criticism".

In a statement before the disciplinary hearing, the Middlesex University said it would not entirely rule out the possibility of Hizb ut-Tahrir taking part in a future debate.

But said it would only agree to this if it could be assured that the group was a moderate organisation operating within the law and rejecting extremist views.

By Perri Lewis News Editor A VOYEUR has targeted female students in an area of Cathays.

Beth Prichard fell victim to the onlooker as she undressed in her house on Tewksbery Street last Tuesday.

The second year History and Sociology student, whose bedroom is on the ground floor overlooking the garden, noticed the man staring in her window at around two o’clock in the morning.

It is believed that the man had broken into her garden from a nearby alleyway.

Recalling the event, she said: "It was pretty scary.

"When I realised that he was in our garden looking in at me I banged on the window to scare him away.

"I just screamed and ran out of my room away from the window.

"Luckily I didn’t see him doing anything untoward."

Miss Prichard contacted the police the following day and offi-

cers visited her house to question her about the incident.

They found an ear print on the window and were able to examine it for strains of DNA, the results of which are yet to be returned.

The 19-year-old student was advised by the police that if it was ever to happen again, she should call 999 straight away.

PC Robert Keohane also reiterated that advice. He said: "It is acceptable to contact the emergency services in this situation.

"If you do spot a voyeur you should try not to disturb him so our police on patrol may be able to catch him in the act.

"In my experience voyeurs tend not to be anything more than peeping toms - it is very unusual for them to actually attack those they watch."

He was keen to remind students that events like this should always be reported.

"If we know there is an increase of specific types of crime we can allocate more resources to tackling it."At present no arrests have been made in this case.

TO LET AND LET

LIVE

By Charissa Coulthard News Editor RESIDENTS IN central Cardiff areas Cathays, Roath and Gabalfa are demanding action to be taken to limit the vast number of ‘To Let’ signs that are ‘Spoiling’ the area by staying up all year round.

Visible in rows on virtually every street, the signs have prompted complaints that they make the area look untidy and encourage crime by giving the illusion that the houses are empty.

Cardiff council’s executive is now investigating whether it can take

action under planning rules.

Cathays councillor Joe Carter – who has proposed a motion demanding action – said: "Why should we allow large groups of agents to ruin our neighbourhoods?

"Many residents have complained the signs make their area look untidy.

They also give the impression properties may be empty when they are not, which encourages crime."

Plasnewydd councillor Richard Jerret added: "With so much rented accomodation in such areas, drastic action is needed. Restrictions on ‘To Let’ signs would be a step in the right direction."

Douglas Bragg of Spencer Street, Cathays, is one of the many residents willing to battle the problem.

"These signs are an eyesore and they encourage burglars and opportunist theives.I’d definitely support any crackdown.”

Andrew Thomas, regional council member of the Association of Residential letting Agents (ARLA) commented: “Once a sale or letting is completed they should come down within 14 days.

“But I am aware of properties where tenants have been in for months but boards are still up.

Unfortunately, about two-thirds of letting agents are not regulated.”

WOODVILLE ROAD: Littered with forgotten ‘To Let’ signs

News

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D E V RO

APP

New vision

By David Menon Reporter

ARTIST IMPRESSION: How the new Optometry building will look INSET: The building at present

FOLLOWING SEVERAL years of controversy, work on the £16m Optometry building is finally underway after full planning permission was granted.

The plans for the building on Maindy Road were drawn up in 2002 but strong opposition from local residents caused the lengthy delay.

Outline planning permission was approved

by Cardiff Council in December 2003, but Cardiff University’s application for full planning permission was subsequently refused.

After an appeal against this decision was rejected by an independent inspector, the University amended the scheme after consulting architects.

Allegedly the main problem in obtaining planning permission was related to the third floor, which has since been reduced in size.

Professor Mike Boulton, Head of School for Optometry and Vision Sciences was positive about the effect the new building would have on the School. He said: “These new facilities will

ensure that Optometry at Cardiff remains internationally competitive.

“It will help maintain the University’s success in recruiting high calibre undergraduates, while the associated benefits of attracting talented researchers and funding to Cardiff will ensure the School remains a world leader in the vision sciences”.

In April 2004 residents secured a narrow victory against the proposals, causing the University to halt construction that had already begun.

The locals were concerned that the 72ft building would tower over their homes and a spokesperson claimed the building was not in harmony with its surroundings.

As a result, the site was left unattended for a long period of time as talks continued.

The new building will include clinical suites for optometric training and research, as well as state-of-the-art laboratories.

In a recent government assessment, the School of Optometry and Vision Sciences attained a rating of ‘Excellent’ for teaching quality.

Building work on new Optometry building is sight for sore eyes

Nothing for money Masked cash-point raiders caught on Union CCTV THE FIRST FLOOR of the Students’ Union was left shattered on Monday morning after two masked figures smashed through an ATM machine in an attempted robbery.

The disguised duo, who came armed with a sledgehammer and a crowbar, then attempted to break into the cash point, were believed

to have been hiding in the building after the Sunday night Soulwax gig in the Great Hall had ended.

The theft was unsuccessful as the machine, which stands next to STA Travel and the busy Union shop, had been emptied of money earlier in the day.

PC Bob Keohane said of the incident: “The evidence at this time tends to indicate that a person hid inside the premises, had a go at the cash machine and then broke out as opposed to breaking in.

“We presume they kicked their way out through the fire escape door on that level – on the Senghennydd Road side.”

“No one has been arrested – we don’t know who they are. In my experience students don’t normally do that sort of thing,” Inquiries are ongoing and the scene is currently being investigated through CCTV footage.

TOP: The smashed up cash machine. ABOVE: The thiefs make a dash

responsibility

By Charissa Coultard News Editor AFTER RECEIVING complaints from Cathays residents about disruptive students, the Students’ Union has launched a year-long campaign to save its current late licence.

‘Save Our Union Licence’ (SOUL) is being introduced to students in order to raise awareness of lowering noise levels after leaving Union club nights.

Union executives are stressing that if the need for change is not recognised, the Union will face an 11pm restricted licence that will consequently end successful nights such as Rubber Duck, Fat Friday and Come Play.

As one of the biggest and busiest Students’ Unions in the UK, action

is being taken to lower noise levels – from raising awareness to handing out lollipops at the end of busy nights.

PR Officer Toan Ravenscroft is urging all students to acknowledge the campaign. He said: “The retention of our late night bars and entertainments licence is paramount to the Union’s provision of first class services, which the student body benefit from.

“I would urge you all to show consideration for our neighbours on your way home from nights out in three simple ways: be as quiet as possible, respect others’ property and dispose of your litter in a responsible way.

“This will all help to reduce the number of complaints from local residents and therefore save our late night licence.”

News

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A KNIGHT TO REMEMBER James Knight, President of NUS Wales, quits after damning resignation speech

By Dan Ridler News Editor

James Knight Resignation Speech: The Key Comments.

An NEC colleague said that it takes a big person to admit that they were wrong, and a bigger person to try and change things. And it gives me no pleasure to try to be that bigger person.

Because, I was wrong.

In June I was signed off sick due to stress and depression, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do: prioritising my mental well-being over my sense of duty.

I was victimised, bullied and harassed. I received hate mail, and abusive phone calls in the middle of the night. Perhaps some of you don't know about the sustained campaign of hatred run against me that even hit the Welsh media.

The people screaming down the phone at me that I was 'queer scum' who should 'F*** off out of Wales' were allowed to do so by NUS and by the NEC. An organisation of the most crass, base hypocrisy, because it is happy to talk about fighting for the rights of students with mental ill health but determined to do nothing.

Happy to talk about equal opportunities and accessibility but persistent in doing nothing.

Where were the disciplinary procedures to tackle the harassment I was subjected to?

What about my right to work in an environment free from prejudice and discrimination?

Philosopher Edmund Burke is famous for saying: "All that is required for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing", and it is in this way that I have been most let down by NUS. Many here saw the abuse I faced as it was happening. And you did nothing. Many here saw how it affected me, saw that I was driven to injury and illness and you did nothing.

I said that I was wrong. Wrong because I thought that NUS would consider my needs.

The fact that those who systematically degraded, dehumanised and disabled me come from unions that pay high affiliation fees is not an excuse to sit back and to say nothing.

Neither is the fact that I'm a Labour Student.

It takes a bigger person to try and change things. The time has come to draw a line in the sand, and to say 'no more'. The time has come to take a stand against bullying and harassment, not just in words but in deeds.

I hereby resign as President of NUS Wales. I want no part of an organisation that so readily puts petty politics before mental and emotional well-being. And I want no part in the charade that we are an accessible organisation that respects diversity or that values different ability.

Students lack sex education

By Charlotte Stonebridge Reporter A SURVEY carried out by leading contraceptive manufacturers has revealed that safe sex awareness amongst young women is shockingly low.

The research, which was timed to coincide with the start of the new academic year – a time when more than 200,000 young women experience their first taste of university freedom – has revealed worrying attitudes towards the use of contraception in the prevention of unwanted

pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

Findings from the Schering survey show that 31% of 18-year-olds believe that it will be easier to find a partner if they are willing to have sex and, more worryingly, six percent admit to not using contraception at all at a risk of becoming pregnant.

In response to these findings, contraception and sex expert Dr. Catherine Hood said: "With young people gaining even more independence and freedom it is important that they make well informed, proactive

THE PRESIDENT of NUS Wales resigned this week in front of the NUS National Executive Committee in London on the grounds of ill health.

James Knight’s resignation had been called for by a number of union presidents in June following allegations centring on his apparent inaction during the top-up fees debate.

At the time, a press release was circulated from the NUS Wales offices requesting that the Welsh Assembly did not continue to attempt to legislate on top-up fees themselves but rather that they listen to the Rees report.

Knight claimed that “The Rees group was set up as an independent investigation and NUS Wales wants to praise Teresa Rees for listening to all sides of the argument.”

Knight’s position on this issue surprised many. Janet Ryder, Plaid Cymru AM, was concerned about his stance.

She said: “The fact that NUS Wales chose to say no to the opportunity to get rid of top-up fees in Wales was unbelievable.”

The press release was subsequently ignored and the assembly proceeded to legislate on top-up fees.

There was a feeling amongst many in last year’s Cardiff Students’ Union Sabbatical Team that he may have acted as a Labour student before a student representative.

However, Knight claimed in his resignation speech that he was stepping down from the position because he had been subject to bullying and had to take leave of absence on the grounds of mental ill health and stress.

In his speech he blamed the National Executive Committee (NEC) for failing to protect him from harassment.

He claimed to have been subject to a sustained campaign of hatred including threatening calls in the middle of the night and receiving hate mail.

He said: "I want no part in an organi-

sation that so readily puts petty politics before…well being and I want no part in the charade that we are an accessible organisation that respects diversity or welcomes people of different ability."

In response to the speech NUS President Kat Fletcher said: "I realise that the barrage of criticism faced as an NUS President can be extremely tough.

"We are currently looking into internal support systems for members of the NEC and ask students to have a greater understanding for members of the NEC in context of the difficult times both students and the NUS are facing."

His resignation has come at an awkward time for NUS Wales, at the start of the new academic year.

It has been alleged that this may cause problems for a student applying to replace him - they may find it hard to get an extended break from their course as the semester has already begun.

At the same time, many of those who are already on sabbatical years have recently taken up places as Union staff across Wales. To leave now to run for national president would be to abandon their students merely weeks into their job.

This has created disquiet amongst some in academic circles who feel that a candidate with no qualification to run for the position may be left virtually unapposed as many of those who would normally run are left stuck between loyalty to their current sabbatical jobs and the temptation of a job at the top of the NUS. Meanwhile, NUS Wales now have to organise a re-election for the position of president.

There have been suggestions that the elections due to be held at the NUS winter conference may not be constitutional.

Cardiff Students’ Union President Pete Goodman said: "I am disappointed at the timing of his resignation. This problem has been prevalent for many months.

“I am of course sad to see the resignation at all, James was a dedicated officer for students of Cardiff and Wales and I wish him all the best of luck and a speedy recovery.”

31% of 18-year-olds believe that it will be easier to find a partner if they are willing to have sex decisions about their contraceptive needs.

"Young women should seek advice about the different options from either GP’s or family planning clinics.”

Almost half of 18–22 year olds are confused about the use of the contraceptive pill. Nearly seven out of ten believe it will cause weight gain, whilst others fear the pill affects long term fertility – a claim that experts contest.

Sue Adams, Schering’s marketing manager, comments: "The survey shows many outdated opinions about modern contraception still exist".

CONDOMS OR THE PILL: For the love of God use something

News

October 10 2005

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Student knifed by lecturer’s wife over ‘affair’

By Charissa Coulthard News Editor A STUDENT HAS been left with horrific injuries after being viciously attacked by her lecturer’s jealous wife.

Julie Simpson, a mature Cambridge student, was stabbed 17 times in the face and chest in her bedroom at the all-women Lucy Cavendish College on Monday morning.

She also suffered further injuries as she used her hands to shield her face from the blows.

Her alleged attacker, 61-year-old Alethea Foster from Bromley, South London, is said to have stabbed the student in an angry rage over a secret affair with her husband who works at Cambridge University.

Injured Julie, who formerly worked as a Sky TV news organiser, had surgery at Addenbrooke’s Hospital in Cambridge and will live despite her serious wounds.

A police source said: “She was incredibly lucky to survive. This was

a vicious attack.

“This wasn’t a case of someone playing at it. The attacker meant business.

“There was blood everywhere and it is fortunate the woman seemed to get her hands in the way of some of the blows from the knife.

“This was a nasty attack that could have cost a woman’s life.”

Cambridge freshers have been left shocked after arriving to such a horrific event.

One new student said: “ I’ve only just arrived for the start of term and was expecting a week of fun before the hard studying begins. But now we’re all really upset and have been offered counselling if we’re traumatised.”

A mature student added: “I could never have believed that this could happen in a university, where you’re meant to be protected from the outside.”

Julie’s room was cordoned off on October 4 as police conducted a forensic search.

A university spokesman said:

Cardiff man arrested as his presence in city is “not conducive to the public good”

ALLIGATOR: Snapped up THORNHILL STREET: Home of terror suspect

A bad case of indigestion A CLASH between two of the Everglades’ deadliest predators has left environmentalists pondering an established food chain.

A 3.9m (13 foot) Burmese python was found dead after apparently swallowing a 1.8m (6 foot) alligator whole.

The alligator, which was found with its tail protruding from the snake’s midsection, is believed to have clawed at the snake while inside its stomach, causing it to explode.

There are only four other recorded cases of encounters between the two species, with the alligator winning one and the others being an apparent draw.

Everglades National Park rangers say that the findings suggest that the non-native Burmese Python, many of which were dumped by their owners, may challenge the alligators’ position as the swamps’ dominant species in the food chain. EI

TERROR SUSPECT

By Rebecca Wright Reporter STUDENTS IN Canton are still in shock after a suspected Islamic extremist was detained in a dawn raid at his home on Thornhill Street.

The man is thought to be a risk to national security and was detained as part of the Home Office sweep of five terror suspects, including others from the West Midlands and London.

As gair rhydd went to press, the suspects were still being held by the immigration service at the high-security Long Lartin prison in Worcestershire.

The Home Office said that the man from Cardiff, thought to be a foreign national, was facing deportation because his presence was ‘not conducive to the public good’.

Cardiff postgraduate student Clare Russell, who lives near Thornhill

Street in Canton, told gair rhydd: “I had wondered what the police cars were for, and when I found out that there had been a suspect living around the corner I was quite shocked.

“I’ve only been here a few weeks and the area seemed fairly quiet and friendly.

“The chances are that the man has done nothing wrong and will be released, but it is worrying to think that an Islamist extremist could be living around the corner from you.”

It has been reported that the Cardiff man, who is from a Muslim family with a wife and two young children, was originally from Libya and had lived in Thornhill Street for about a year.

Following the 6am raid last Monday a search has taken place at the terraced house and a green Ford Mondeo car that had been parked outside has been removed for exami-

nation.

There are now a total of 22 of suspects in custody from across the UK as part of a crackdown on terrorists following the July 7 London bombings.

PC Robert Keohane, Cardiff University’s student liaison officer, advised anyone with suspicions about a person to speak to their local police officer.

“If anyone has a gut feeling that someone they know or a neighbour is linked to terrorism or criminal activity, they should report it straight away, either through their local police officers or anonymously by calling Crimestoppers on 0800 555111.

“Similarly, if anyone is a victim of a race- or hate-related crime they should not hesitate to report it. We work closely with leaders of the community in ethnic communities to keep them keep them informed of what is going on and to allay any fears.”

“The student involved is now having full care in hospital.

Cambridgeshire police are investigating the incident.”

Attacker Alethea was arrested and questioned on Tuesday and has been charged with attempted murder.

STAB SCENE: All-female Lucy Cavendish campus

Zimbabwean MP arrested for walking to work OPPOSITION MP Gilbert Shoko was arrested last week for walking his eight km journey to work.

Mr Shoko, along with 16 supporters, were walking as part of a protest to fuel shortages.

The group, later released pending further enquiries, were charged with demonstrating against the government.

An exchange shortage has led to Zimbabwe’s worst ever fuel crisis.

Although the group had no other means of transport the arresting officers claimed that there was sufficient fuel available. EI

Evacuee finds relief JACQUELYN SHERMAN, an evacuee from New Orleans, has won a $1.6m Jackpot at a Louisiana Casino.

The homeless 57-year-old has been staying with her sister while rebuilding work continues on hurricane-devastated New Orleans.

Ms Sherman won the money from a slot machine after paying a $4.25 stake.

When interviewed the retired librarian admitted: “I am a casino fanatic, it relaxes my nerves”.

Ms Sherman hopes to spend her winnings on a new home. EI

Polo comes home THE SPORT of polo is being revived in Iran.

The ‘game of kings’ is returning to the post-revolutionary Islamic country where the sport originated 2,500 years ago.

Women are also being allowed to play, with preparations for the first allfemale tournament in 100 years underway. EI

Editorial & Opinion

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gair rhydd

FREE WORD Top 100 CARDIFF HAS been named as number 22 The Sunday Times Education Supplement list of the top 100 UK universities. The annual survey rates institutions on their quality of teaching, spending on facilities as well employability of their eventual graduates.

These are also the areas where Cardiff compares most favourably with its fellow higher education institutions, indeed its spending on library and computing resources far outstrips seventh place St Andrews University.

Cardiff University has set itself the task of becoming a world class higher education institution and it seems as though things are well on their way.

Let us hope that with the introduction of top up fees on the horizon, and the obvious cash benefits this will bring, that the University continues to invest in facilities and services for its students both inside and outside the lecture theatre.

I.M.G. ONCE AGAIN the annual sports fair in the Great Hall of the Union was an outstanding success. The huge turnout for the event once again went to prove the level of passion that Cardiff students have for sports.

As usual students were queuing early for a chance to register thier IMG squads for the forthcoming academic years clashes, those at the front of the line had been waiting since 4am.

The students of Cardiff have made their views on the time made available to participate in sport at both a BUSA and IMG level perfectly clear.

The University must now look to meet the demands of its own students by keping Wednesday afternoons free for personal development.

Campagins such as ‘Keep Wednesday Afternoons Free’ have never been so important and it is vital that students rally round to protect their right to play sport.

De - Knighted THE DEPARTURE for NUS Wales of its president James Knight might not come as a surprise to many, however the situation he leaves behind him could have very real concequences for the Welsh arm of the movement.

The constitutional wrangling has started over when by elections can take place, with ordinary students paying the price through weakened levels of representation.

NUS Wales must move quickley to elect a new leader, however this cannot be at the expense of doing it correctly.

Knight’s shift leaves NUS in the dark

By Dan Ridler News Reporter

S

o, James Knight has finally gone. Not without one final indiscriminate and confused tirade of course, but all the same, gone. Behind him, he leaves a vacuum of space to be filled. How the NUS fill this vacuum, and who fills it, are going to be questions that could cause lasting problems within the movement.

Seemingly oblivious to this fact, the NUS team have ploughed into the issue with all the tact and political savvy one might expect of John Prescott on a pork pie hunt.

Almost as soon as JK announced his resignation, they have released an announcement for the next election date. That date is November 12, at the winter conference, and importantly, less than 35 working days from today.

Great. Sooner we replace him the better, right?

Wrong. The NUS, you may or may not care, has a constitution, ie a written set of rules which it pledges to adhere to. In this document, which inadvertently doubles as a plausible cure for insomnia, it states that there must be thirty five working, let me emphasise, working days between the resignation of a president and the reelection of his replacement.

The NUS team have all the tact and political savvy of John Prescott on a pork pie hunt.

Now, lets play with maths. Thirtyfive working days is seven weeks, seven weeks from the 4th, is, even to my semi-numerate brain, far more than the 12th. Some might say it would be the 22nd, a full 10days later.

This leaves a dilemma. If a president is appointed within these days then his appointment is unconstitutional. So therefore he is, de

HUW DAVIES’

M

jure, an unconstitutionally, or dare I say false, president.

A false president who will attract little respect from Union heads. A false president who could find his position undermined.

Already, Cardiff’s Union President has denounced any winner of the contest on the 12th as being merely the winner of an unconstitutional popularity contest.

Cardiff’s President has denounced any winner of this unconstitutional contest In truth, its just minutiae, written a while back by somebody undoubtedly with nothing better to do. It is buried amongst the finer points of the deepest darkest pages of the NUS constitution. However, it must be adhered to. Why? Simple.

An unconstitutional president has no right to be president therefore no mandate from the students and hence would not be considered representative of the organisation which he or she heads, since the president would be breaking fundamental rules in the document which pertains to uphold their institution.

They can force it through, yes.

They can cover and smother and tell everybody that its okay, certainly.

They can say or do whatever they want, but a president elected within 35 days will be unfair, and with that election any pretence of constitutionalism will die.

The constitution will become mere paper without will or precedent to uphold it, and the political pitch will be infested with more pitfalls than an amazonian mantrap.

To the NUS, don’t be morons for the sake of being right, delay the election and stick to the constitution.

It’s the least you can do to ensure a fair competition for the leadership after this fiasco.

VOTE NOW: Or don’t, it doesn’t count anyway

ROOM 101

entioning religion and university in the same sentence might appear very controversial to some, but it probably shouldn’t be.

It might not be natural, admittedly – as far as I’m aware, Jesus in his teens was turning water into wine rather than wine into a dangerous cocktail and subsequently vomit – but faith during higher education should not be extradited. What should be, however, is pushy religious types forcing their beliefs onto people.

Waiting at the Bus Stop outside the Union during the Societies Fayre, I was practically attacked by a woman brandishing a garish leaflet advertising Christianity, and being a somewhat lapsed Christian ("I believe in God; I’m just not sure I trust Him"), I thought I’d read it before shoving it in the bin like the rest. This is what it told

me: "On the spiritual field – Jesus is the referee, the world is the pitch and the first YELLOW CARD is a WARNING to you to prepare to meet God. The second YELLOW CARD is your FINAL WARNING; = a RED CARD and you are SENT OFF forever to that place the Bible calls HELL." Bloody hell, how depressing. And I’m not just talking about the painful football metaphor either. Jesus wouldn’t be allowed in a professional capacity on a football pitch anyway, unless he gave up the sandals.

The leaflet goes on to say: "When the final whistle blows on your life make sure you are on the winning side!" – before finishing rather tamely with: "It’s a goal!!"

What? Making any poor sod who reads this feel as though death is just around the corner? I’m 18, for crying out loud; I’m not writing my will yet.

The point is, faith is meant to be a subjective thing – if you believe in God, you’ll believe He gave everyone free will to follow Him or not; to sink or swim, if you like. A personal choice. So why am I, a random person in the street, being told I’m a sinner who is going to Hell unless I change my ways? Did I sign up to this when I filled in my UCAS form?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with ‘advertising’ a religion as such – it’s just the pushiness and force with which it is done that I think is so wrong. There’s stories of people being assaulted, all in the name of Christ; for example, a friend of mine was told to read The Bible and was repeatedly hit over the head with it until this was the case. It sounds funny, but there’s a serious invasion of space going on here, let alone GBH (God Bashes Heathens).

At the Fayre, the boys from the Army didn’t tell me I was a coward for not joining them (I did that), so why should religion be any different?

Most societies didn’t force anyone to join, instead leaving people to make their own decisions. This is exactly how it should be with faith, too.

At least the guy who walks down Cardiff High Street shouting apocalyptic Bible slogans kindly uses a poor quality megaphone so no one can understand a word he says.

Choose God. Or don’t. Choose The Holy Bible (either the book or the album by the Manic Street Preachers), or the Qu’ran, or the Guru Granth Sahib. Or don’t. But whatever you do, don’t let anyone force it on you.

Room 101 opinion@gairrhydd.com

October 10 2005

Editorial & Opinion

Page 7

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Cardiff: A town full of Tescos?

By Dave Menon Contributor

G

reat news everyone... another Tesco might be built in Cardiff.

There are however various questions that I want answered. Firstly, why on earth does the thriving city of Cardiff need another Tesco in Salisbury Road? There are plenty of small convenience stores and supermarkets in Cardiff already. I can hear the Tesco bosses thinking "Every Little Helps".

Secondly, has Tesco forgotten that the world is full of small businesses run by people who work their asses off for over twelve hours every day of the week in order to survive? I didn’t think so, because another store will take more profits away from those surrounding smaller firms. Yet I can still hear the greedy cries of "Every Little Helps".

Thirdly, why does Tesco think that everybody wants to shop in their stores and nowhere else? If you look around carefully, you would find there are other stores which sell similar products at more competitive prices.

Tesco is simply a brand, a symbol of quantity rather than quality. Hence the slogan "Every Little Helps".

Finally, is this the last store Tesco are planning to build in Cardiff? After looking on the internet, I found that there are already five stores dotted around Cardiff. Six could easily turn into seven by the time I have finished my degree. Every shop may as well be named Tesco at this rate. Sooner or later people might say "Do you want to get something from the Tesco". But it’s not so bad if you’re a Tesco shareholder; "Every Little Helps" their bank balance.

And don’t think I am referring directly to Tesco here. Sainsbury’s, Asda and other multi-national chains are just as bad. The dominance of

such chains is destroying the ideology of ‘perfect competition’ in our society. As a consumer I like choice and variety. I like to buy clothes from a clothes store, electrical goods from an electrical store and insurance from an insurance firm.

Stores like Tesco are compromising on quality to fill their pockets and I think this is wrong. They are taking advantage of the fact that we are busy students that don’t have the time or the money to shop elsewhere.

I am aware that globalisation is rapidly growing and nothing much can be done about it. Despite my rant I can guarantee that I will visit Tesco on many occasions for reasons of convenience.

My advice to everybody is to look around for bargains in smaller stores.

Not only does this support local family businesses’, but the money saved can be spent on more important products, like a shot of Sambuca in Solus for example.

Ramadan: a time for unity and reflection

By Fenar Mohammed-Ali Contributor

O

nce again it is the time of year when Muslims all over the world are united in observing the Holy month of Ramadan. In this month Muslims are required to refrain from eating and drinking during daylight hours.

This is done partly to empathise with those in the world who are not fortunate enough to be able to break their fast at the end of the day, but also, and perhaps more importantly so, fasting teaches one self-restraint.

It is an opportunity for Muslims to cleanse their body and mind, to gain closeness to God (Allah) and to the wider Muslim community (or Ummah). Ramadan is one of the most important dates in the Muslim calendar. It gives Muslims a chance to stop and reflect on issues affecting Muslims all around the world, and never has the focus been pointed to British Muslims as much as it has today.

Whilst it is difficult for Muslims to forget the suffering of fellow believers in countries such as Palestine or Iraq, or anywhere in the world, British Muslims have, until relatively recently, not had to fear for their own safety or the ability to practice their religion with out fear of discrimination.

However, with the recent build-up of events surrounding British Muslims it is essential that Britain as a nation which prides itself on its cultural diversity does not turn its back on the many Muslims who now call Britain home.

The Holy month of Ramadan is as good a time as any to demonstrate to those who are willing to approach the subject with an open mind and the morals and values that Muslims should adhere to. This year Ramadan may be especially testing for Muslims as the current hype and sense of fear portrayed by the media makes it ever more

difficult for Muslims to practice their religion without fear of violence or intimidation. Only last week, the gair rhydd reported on the increase in vandalism against mosques in Wales, and this kind of behaviour is becoming endemic across Britain, putting many Muslims at risk of abuse or even violence.

There is now an increased pressure for moderate Muslims to be seen to make an extra special effort to integrate more into British society. This is almost to make up for the atrocities of those few extremists who manipulate the peaceful faith of Islam to suit their own political agendas. Whilst the integration of other cultures can only be beneficial to building the patchwork of society, those Muslims that make up the majority of the faith are being made to act as scapegoat.

It is disheartening when, at the first sign of trouble, the foundations of a generally tolerant society can be so easily shaken to the point where the finger of blame is pointed to any man with a beard and dark skin or a woman

in a hijab (head scarf).

The government talks of integration, but Muslims are already integrated in British society. One would hope that it would take more than the actions of a few misguided vigilantes to destroy that.

As the dust settles and the media furore slowly abates, perhaps the onset of Ramadan is the perfect time for people both Muslim and non-Muslim alike to re-evaluate what the religion is all about. To look at how we as a society can move on from what has happened to gain an even greater level of mutual understanding and respect, thereby creating a truly united society.

Muslims often view Ramadan as a chance to start afresh, a chance to cleanse themselves of any wrongdoing and hopefully continue to abstain from doing so once the month is over.

Hopefully, this Ramadan can also mark a renewed and prolonged harmonious relationship of understanding, acceptance and tolerance between Muslims and non-Muslims.

Ramadan: Helping to unite Muslim and non Muslim people

EVERY LITTLE HELPS? Unless you own a corner shop

A week that needs refreshing

By Andrew Rennison Contributor

I

am in no doubt that every single academic year somebody somewhere goes on a Freshers’ bashing crusade, denouncing the seven-day wave of immorality and lamenting its morning-after flu-riddled consequences, whilst secretly just annoyed that they didn’t pull.

Freshers’ is and perhaps forever will be that bastion of student life, the last obstinate pair of middle fingers raised against the inevitable tide of ‘work’ and ‘learning’. But besides the grand spectacle and sense of defiance, what do we really gain from this annual festival of excess?

Truth be told, not a great deal. For one significant outcome of Freshers’ you need look no further than your trouser pocket: bankruptcy. Many students old and new seem to have racked up an incredible bill over those seven nights, easily three figures in size.

A second-year I met in the Taf recently told of his temp work at Somerfield over the past few months not to prepare for paying the rent or buying new books, but purely to fund his Freshers’ experience. When a grown man must suffer the indignity of supermarket slavery just to buy drinks and kebabs for a week, something isn’t right.

The health risks are also excessively well-documented. STIs are a sizeable concern in themselves, but the most general threat comes from the infamous Freshers’ flu, from which I am currently suffering. That I didn’t even score over those hazy evenings must lead me to conclude that neither the outgoing nor the frigid are safe from a nasty student cold.

Then there’s the timing: honestly, who thought up the idea of having enrolment right smack bang in the middle of Freshers’ and all the way

over at Talybont. Considering that these Halls are quite beyond the student stronghold of Cathays and even further if you occupy Roath, there seems a certain wickedness in this arrangement.

The sight of many a poor soul struggling up the street to reach their ten o’clock appointment following a heavy night at Rubber Duck is a sight both unnecessary and inhumane.

For you freshers yourselves, your week of initiation could surely not be more ill-judged. Like a blind man at an orgy, most freshers want to spend their first days feeling things out a little; partying is fine, but being thrown in at the deep end of uncharted clubs, expensive drinks, illegal burger vans, combined with enrolling whilst hungover by daylight cannot be a constructive combo.

Having a most excellent time during the first week back at uni is still the obvious way to go. What needs to change is the overbearing circus that is drummed up for Freshers’ Week.

The dozens upon dozens of posters, drinks offers and humungous events need a degree of toning down, until it no longer feels like Freshers’ is some pinnacle of human indulgence that obliges us to go out every single night and burn all our money. Let’s just have some fun next time round, without all this crazy hyperbole.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy some Strepsils.

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opinion@gairrhydd.com

Letters

Page 8

October 10 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE!

The gair rhydd letters page Winter is upon us, the days are becoming shorter and the leaves are falling. Despite all this I spotted an ice-cream van outside the Union this afternoon. What on Earth is that all about? If this keeps going on, the whole of Cardiff will have Freshers’ Flu by next week. Could this be the start of a new pandemic? Perhaps not. I have avoided the cold so far (touch-wood) but my legs and liver are struggling to cope with the strains (excuse pun) of uni life. IMG football begins this week and my team have been doing some intensive fitness training (which lasted nearly ten minutes). So there you have it, stop drinking and all your problems will go away. Water doesn’t taste all that good anyway. Enjoy the letters. Menon

Terror-ble View I FOUND the views expressed in Andrew Rennison's article of this week 'A little bit of history repeating' to be not only seriously confused but also rather offensive.

The poor way in which the article was written ironically says more about how to effectively combat terrorism than any of Mr Rennison's misplaced vective.

The key to controlling terrorism is to understand it. One cannot deal with an enemy until one understands why it exists and the ignorance of a political situation 'which effectively started just down the road' from where Mr. Rennison lives does not say much for his powers of observation.

Ian Paisley does not have a 'slight tiff' with the IRA. Ian Paisley has genuine concerns about making sure that the IRA no longer has any of the weapons which it once used to wage war on the United Kingdom, such as the two tonnes of semtex, seven surface to air missiles, 1000 rifles and seven flamethrowers that the security forces estimated it to be in posession of.

It is precisely because of mainland Britain's ignorance of the political situation in Northern Ireland that a campaign was begun there in the 1970's.

Mr Rennison seems to be suggesting that we were once able to turn a blind

text

eye to the IRA, a much worse situation, so surely we can do it again.

Instead of turning a blind eye to the July 7 bombings, how about we wake up to the reality of why they occurred.

Ignorance of the terrorists plight will only lead to them trying to draw our attention to it in more horrific ways.

Yours faithfully Adam Harbinson First year post-grad from Northern Ireland

I wasn’t chuffed OH MR CHUFFY, how tasteless can you get? I opened up my copy of Quench this morning whilst having breakfast to find an article with a picture of a badger!? ‘The sun has got his hat on’, I said to myself, ‘must be another nursery rhyme posing as a headline, I guess this is about the dangers of climate change.’

Alas, this was not the case. The article was not about the dangers of climate change (or the average rise in surface temperature, if you want to look it up). In fact, it was a parody of the phenomenon concerning its potential for advertising, using Wayne Rooney as a figurehead.

I don’t know about anyone else, but

07791165837

Mark stephens is a sex god Debate: you’re shite I knew babies were meant to kick but were they meant to scratch?..

No they weren’t.

Where is Dr Matthew?

Bring back Dr Matthew!

I love sci fi wit jesus cakes Sque bag I wish you’d buy your own ribena

If twigger can’t keep up the boris jonson look alike maybe he should go home and sleep for a bit before he goes to the union for a night out. the chicken!

I believe that if there’s one thing in this world you shouldn’t mock, it’s climate change. I believe climate change is even more heinous thanmurder. When you’re dead you don’t have to live with the psychologicaltrauma of the fact that the world is getting hotter!

I doubt any unfortunate penguins would have given a wry smile if they were to have read this article. To say I was shocked is an understatement! To belittle such a serious issue by making a mockery of this infamous problem is bad taste and mindless.

The article wasn’t even funny! (and I normally appreciate GR’s humour).

We’re on Earth of all places, a climate change hotspot, well documented in the media. I guess that just means you’ll have a greater chance of having readers that can relate to the article. If the subject of climate change is to be done at all, at least let it be done in a positive way. A page of bland statistics that nobody will ever read would have been more constructive than a page of that drivel.

The article in Science was a step in the right direction. If I am overreacting, please say so. If the article was intended as some vague poke at sensationalisation by the media, then I apologise. Perhaps it was to highlight the dangers of climate change with a donkey gag as to not offend, but still educate. If this is the case then I shall go on to Amazon.co.uk to search for Mr Chuffy’s next Ladybird book on Transport in London? Or Bombing for Dummies? Until then I await the next Quench when I can read about why religion is absolutely the most rightest thing ever.

Disgruntled third-year Medic

Burger Vandals As I walked out of Fat Friday last week, I was shocked to see hordes of students queueing up to pay an extortionate price for a filthy, unhygenic burger. This has been going on for too long and something should be done about it soon.

I am aware these rogue traders are very difficult to prosecute but in this modern day and age, there must be a solution because this is a major safety concern.

The article "Burger off" in last

If only my auntie had bollocks she’d be my uncle

Queurnt.

Yours, James McDonald

I M Gee Wiz IMG football is here again. But unfortunately our team isn’t in it.

I don’t think it’s fair to only allow 32 teams in the competition.

My mate got up early and queued up for ages before being told to sod off, well, something like that anyway.

Why can’t everybody have the chance to play? After all, the university promotes the ethos that everybody should be given the opportunity to play sport. I was really looking forward to playing IMG footy again this year after enjoying the last season so much.

The tournament could still work with 40 teams and five divisions instead. Games can kick-off at 12 or matches can be played at a different venue. I think the uni should do more to give everybody a sporting chance.

If none of the above is applicable for whatever absurd reason, there are futher solutions which I can think of.

Firstly, teams that have been involved in IMG for a large number of consec-

utive years could be asked to step down to give others a chance.

Or finally, to make things really interesting, the bottom three or four clubs from each season could face the prospect of sitting out of the competition for a year to gives other teams like us a chance.

Also, I wasn’t happy with one of the sports editors slagging off IMG last week. People play IMG or BUSA for entirely different, and equally valid reasons. I thought the whole debate thing was a load of rubbish.

Anyway, rant over. I hope somebody will take me seriously.

Dejected third year student MENON SAYS: IMG football is an issue that many people have been talking about recently. I am sorry to hear that your team hasn’t made it this year. Unfortunately the competition has been hugely oversubscribed.

I spoke to AU President, Lisa Gwinnett, about your letter and she stressed that every effort had been made to accommodate as many people as possible. Regretfully there is a lack of facilities availible for everyone who wants to play IMG football.

Wednesday is the only day that can be set aside and there are a limited number of pitches. IMG’s popularity is an indication of its strength.

On the subject of the IMG versus BUSA story last week, the Sports Editors said this: “ It was meant as a light-hearted debate about two excellent competitions. It was a bit of banter, which is surely what university sport is all about”. I hope this helps.

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life?

If you want to get your point across to the Cardiff population, this is the place to do it. Send your gripes to the above email address. If you want to see your letter printed in next week’s issue, try to email it before Thursday lunchtime.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

letter of the week

Luton won. Yes get in.

I like to view courting chimps

week’s gair rhydd claims the vans make a swift escape when police are alerted to the scene. This is ridiculous, how on Earth can a bunch of losers driving a dirty burger trade evade state of the art police vehicles? With CCTV footage, the idiots should be identified and banned with immediate effect. These people are breaking the law and therefore they should be dealt with accordingly.

Despite the large number of lookouts, surely the problem could be resolved by plain-clothed police posing as customers. Although the Cardiff police force are often very busy, they should reserve one Monday night to address the issue once and for all. In addition to this, the council acts should be made tougher for these criminals to break.

With the e.coli outbreak spreading, there is a greater degree of urgency to solve this annoying problem.

Whatever you do, don’t buy a burger from these dodgy traders. Don’t give into temptation, just go over the road and get some food from a licenced company. Then if something goes wrong, they can be sued. You never know, the vans may "burger off" if nobody buys their shit food.

Little Britain Sorry, it's another letter about Geordie! There are probably millions being persecuted around the World. But we just can't let everybody in.

Britain is a very small, crowded island. It must be difficult to

decide who can stay and who should leave. I'm guessing that it's not just the homosexuals who are persecuted in Iran. And what about Iranian women? Is a life of oppression much better than being killed?

If British judges are so cruel and inhumane, it seems strange

that a lot of right-wing people think we're a soft touch, who let anybody in. Geordie should have a go at countries like Australia, that have much more space, but are much tougher about letting people in.

Second year History student.

TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT!

Comment

October 10 2005

Page 9

geordie@gairrhydd.com

The chewing gum on the shoe of opinion

Wolfgang: Am I dangerous?

I

t was two burly security guardtypes that bustled Walter Wolfgang out of the Labour Party Conference, but it might as well have been the Nazi Eagle come to life, clutching the pensioner in its talons. That’s where such shamefully authoritarian stifling of dissent belongs.

The Terrorism Act was used to prevent Walter’s re-entry into the conference, and recently, a young woman was arrested under the same law for wearing a T-shirt bearing the legend ‘Bollocks to Blair’. Last time I checked, ‘nonsense’ – the one-word heckle of Mr Wolfgang during Jack Straw’s speech that earned his ejection – wasn’t synonymous with ‘Death to the Infidel’, and if ‘Bollocks to Blair’ is tantamount to terrorism then my satirical, though admittedly tasteless, ‘I✈NY’ shirt must make me the Devil Osama himself come to kill you all.

Rhetorical overreach? Probably. But a justifiable one, I think.

It’s hardly surprising, though. It’s the inherent tendency of a great deal of people to do whatever they can get away with – or think they can get away with (“it’s not illegal if you don’t get caught”) – particularly when it comes to holding on to power. That should have been clear to everyone after countless scandals, politicians’ affairs (and if their wives can’t trust them, there’s no way I will) and particularly Watergate in the US. The prime minister (and examine that title: ‘first minister’, which should

mean the first among equals, not the object of worship he believes himself to be) has rescinded countless election promises – among them the introduction of a system of proportional representation for elections, which might mean losing – because he can. He has failed to hand over the leadership to Brown as he has promised, because he can. He has criminalised peaceful protest within earshot of Parliament, and now twisted a law intended to protect the public for his own ends, because he can. Who knows, if Blair

Who knows, Walter could have had an ice pick buried in his head

Last time I checked, ‘nonsense’ isn’t synonymous with ‘Death to the Infidel’ Is there anyone left who still believes that granting the authorities more powers will not result in more abuse of those powers? Because that’s exactly what both of these examples are: it’s obvious that neither of these people are terrorists, therefore the Terrorism Act should not be employed.

Certainly in the case of Walter Wolfgang it was misused to prevent criticism of the government’s foreign policy.

thought he could get away with it, Walter Wolfgang might have wound up with an ice pick buried in his head.

During Blair’s own speech at the conference, part of his rampant demagogy attempted to justify the extension of police powers by suggesting that “our primary duty should be to allow law-abiding people to live in safety”.

Well, maybe. But… that ‘safety’ also ought to mean safety from what the government or its employees might do in the name of ‘protecting us’ all. That means protecting the innocent from unfair prosecution (i.e. not holding them without charge for three months), not carting a pensioner out of a conference (more like a rally, really – totally one-sided) because he dares to have a different opinion to the party leadership.

TIANANMEN SQUARE: Closer than you think...

The PM has also set an agenda for restoring ‘respect’ in society, even recently appointing a ‘Minister for Respect’. (I thought it was a joke when I first discovered this. It sounds like something from Ali G Indahouse.)

Perhaps, in that case, he should lead by example. If he wants respect back in society he should start showing some to the electorate, rather than treating them like idiots and cretins, second class proles or children that need telling what to do (Hell, Mummy and Daddy Blair’ll be regulating the requisite temperature of our porridge next… ).

Though after re-electing Mr Blair and New Labour, perhaps we haven’t earned that respect.

The Cabinet: Episode 4 - Conference Time

L

ast week saw the annual Labour Party Conference. The party gets together every year to meet with the grass-roots of their membership, to discuss issues, confer on policy and the like. This is what happened this year.

The party rank and file is immaculately pressed, standing to attention and waiting to hear their masters speak.

After a brief inspection from the party leader, his deputy takes the podium.

His initial words are in praise of the military, and banging on about some triumph over adversity. ‘Patient courage of the change-maker’, I think it was, though I really wasn’t listening by then.

PRESCOTT: “I greet the eminent representatives of foreign countries who

WebQuote:

are honouring the party by taking part in the congress.

“In true comradeship the movement, particularly welcomes the army, which is now under the Führer’s orders. My Führer, you are surrounded by the flags and standards of National Socialism. If their cloth ever rots only then will people understand the greatness of our time.

“And they will understand what you, my Führer, mean to Germany. You are Germany. When you act, the nation acts. When you judge, the people judge. Our gratitude is the promise to stand by you through thick and thin, whatever comes our way. Thanks to your leadership, Germany will reach its goal of being home to all Germans throughout the world.

“You were our guarantor of victory.

You are our guarantor of peace. Adolf Hitler. Sieg Hiel, Sieg Heil.”

No, hang on, that was Rudolf Hess at the 1934 Nuremburg Rally. Pretty close though. Only a lot of the Labour Party think Blair’s a bit of a tosser.

This is what actually actually happened: BLAIR: (Stamps feet like petulant toddler in Tesco) “I want three more years!”

STRAW: “Iraq, yeah, really good like.”

CROWD MEMBER 1: “Nonsense” SECURITY: “You, out!”

CROWD MEMBER 2: “Leave him alone.”

SECURITY: “And you, come on.”

Security drag out frail and elderly heckler for refusing to follow the party line, closely followed by his younger defender. Re-entry is denied to both of these. After all, they’re clearly subversives out to undermine the elected Government of the country.

BLAIR: “Ein Völk, ein Reich, ein Führer.”

No, that was the Nazis again. I keep confusing the two. Well, if the cap fits, I suppose...

NEXT WEEK: The Cabinet is being sent on tour to the regions. (Yeah, I’m doing something else, I can’t be bothered any more.)

THE END

“The church is so far out of touch with reality even Stevie Wonder can see it” - twentymajor.blogspot.com

40 Years?

Q

uestion: when is a military occupation not, in fact, a military occupation? I expect there are several possible answers. The one I happen to be thinking of is: when it’s followed by another military occupation that the occupied consider to be in some way ‘worse’ than the original.

For example, the occupation of the West Bank and Gaza by Israel being considered a greater injury to the Palestinan people than their invasion by Jordan and Egypt.

After the recent Israeli withdrawal from Gaza, almost every Palestinian interviewed by the media made reference to an “end to 40 years of occupation”, meaning the time since the Israeli Defence Force captured the area, along with the West Bank, following the SixDay War in 1967.

They seem to have conveniently forgotten that Israel took the occupied territories from Egypt and Jordan, who themselves illegally occupied the land allocated to the Palestinian people in the land-grab that ensued after the War of Independence in 1948, so the references should have been to nearly 60 years of occupation.

It’s a lot more, if you take into account the successive rulerships of Britain (under the League of Nations’ mandate) the Ottoman Empire, the Mamluks, Ayyubids, Crusaders, Seljuks, Fatamids, Abbasids, Umayadds, and the Sassanian, Byzantine, Roman, Ptolemaic, Seleucid, Macedonian, Persian and Babylonian Empires, the last of which conquered the Kingdom of Judah around 590BC. So that’s over 2500 years since the Gaza and West Bank areas of ‘Palestine’ area were last free and independent. But, apparently only the last forty count.

Even if we take only recent history, then apart from one abortive coup attempt, there was almost no real resistane to the 20-year Jordanian occupation of the West Bank (despite the Palestinian national majority) and even less in Gaza.

The Palestinian Liberation Organisation, with their goal of establishing an independent Palestinian State, wasn’t founded until two years after the Six-Day War, in 1969. For a time they were also committed to the destruction of Israel.

Whilst I’m not in any way condoning any of those occupations, does the increased level of dissent under Israeli rule not smack of racism?

Does not the relative quiet during prior oppression and the disproportionate armed action (so often directed at civilians) suggest that they’ll put up with being occupied by others, but never by Jews.

I would say it does.

Politics

October 10 2005

Page 11

politics@gairrhydd.com

TROUBLES AT THE TOPS With leadership woes affecting all the parties, this year’s conference season has been less productive than usual

By Andrew Rennison Political Correspondent

D

on King is wasting his time every moment he spends in Las Vegas, smiling inanely whilst sandwiched between two steroid-happy heavyweights. These days, the real promotional goldmine resides in Downing Street: Blair vs Brown – ‘This time, it’s political’.

And a new peak in this colossal bout was reached with the recent Labour conference; what a shame that Mr King was not there to mediate a press conference between the reigning champ and the reigning Chancellor.

Then again, the idea of either man in just boxing trunks may have made for uncomfortable viewing. Nevertheless, in Brighton there was undoubtedly only this single contest on everyone’s lips.

Perhaps aware of the grand occa-

sion, Mr Brown did not fail to rise up to it. In an energetic address, the Chancellor spoke at times more like a current leader than one in waiting, referring to his prime minister more than once in the past tense.

Delivering a broad vision of Britain’s future in a commanding style, Mr Brown also added a number of personal points, speaking of his values and moral outlook bestowed by his parents and heritage. This perhaps more than any other element delivered a sense of authority.

Its members received these projections warmly, and though Mr Brown made it clear that the current New Labour direction will remain relatively in tact under his command, many Labour supporters see him as a potential return to a more traditional Labour attitude.

And so came the turn of the Prime Minister; rarely can he have felt the heat beneath him quite so acutely.

In an attempt to dampen the fuss over his rival, Mr Blair’s address was heavy on policy and assertive regarding his future. Giving no date for his resignation, the PM implied that he had many years left in him as he reeled

off further proposals and objectives.

Many later scoffed at his claim that with hindsight he would have taken many reforms further, viewing that as something of an excuse for current failings. Yet Mr Blair’s speech came across as reasonably strong.

One notable exception to this view,

BLAIR: Up for a fight

BLACKPOOL PLEASURE SPEECH

By Andrew Mickel Politics Editor

W

hilst this year saw Labour and the Lib Dems wrestle with leadership questions for the first time in eleven and seven years respectively, it is one of the few areas where the Tories are on home ground. There isn’t even a pretence to be looking at other issues; this year, Blackpool is about infighting, and nothing else.

Many of the roles the candidates are assuming are familiar. The probable winner from the right of the party is David Davis; the mantle of the radical but barking contender clearly belongs to Liam Fox; and no leadership contest would be complete without Ken Clarke. However, amongst all the usual contenders, there’s someone new to contest the position.

Hailed as the Tories’ Tony Blair, David Cameron has modernising beliefs and is a rousing speaker to call the party to arms. The party and media alike seem to have placed all of their future hopes for the party on the shoulders of Cameron and the shadow chancellor George Osborne. Part of the group of young MPs loosely labelled the ‘Notting Hill set’, they have quickly become the basis for a Telegraph wet dream that the party could actual-

ly get back on track.

But what is there to suggest that they would be better able to lead the party than the older candidates?

Cameron in particularly has certainly been quick to use Blairite language, which many seem to consider a step into the future (although compared to the language used before, it may seem like a remarkable revolution to conference-goers in Blackpool). However, it won’t be long until the parallels with Blair- a man already seen by many people as a spent force – becomes a heavy weight around his neck.

As for support within his own party, the few MPs who back him are not generally recognised as being the future face of the Conservatives: Anne Widdecombe and Nicholas Soames are already an embarrassment to the party of today, let alone tomorrow. Even his background – from Eton to Oxford, then up through the party ranks – has Old Tory written all over it.

There also isn’t any policy sub-

CAMERON: Forehead still present

stance to explain his popularity. His much-vaunted flat tax idea – which would disadvantage the middle classes the most – won’t win him any friends with the Daily Mail, and a Tory leader without their support isn’t a leader at all. Meanwhile, much has been said about how inexperienced he is, yet to elect an MP who has only sat for one full Parliament is absurd.

This year’s conference is as much about trying to find a place for the party in the 21st century as it is to find a leader in the immediate future. After all, only a quarter of young people voted Tory in the last election, and their support is at as low a point as any time in the past 13 years. As the party’s future has never been shrouded in as much uncertainty as it is now it isn’t surprising to see them grab at any potential candidate. But there’s little to suggest that David Cameron can or will be that man now, or even necessarily in the future.

however, would have to be the Prime Minister’s assertion that Labour had won the ‘battle of values’ in Britain.

This claim seemed particularly lightweight by the end of a conference that saw the government defeated in four member votes regarding future policy.

Every one of these defeats con-

cerned issues of New versus Old Labour values: council housing, pensions, industrial action and private sector involvement in the NHS. In each case the government forwarded a generally right-wing proposal; in each case they were rebuffed by the votes of their party.

The notion therefore that Mr Blair has won a battle of values in Britain seems rather questionable when there seems to be no consensus on ideals even within his own party.

Personifying this issue is Walter Wolfgang, an 82 year-old Labour member physically ejected from the conference after shouting ‘nonsense’ during Jack Straw’s address on the Wednesday. Though triumphantly returning to the venue 24 hours later, Mr Wolfgang’s run-in with Labours’ over-zealous minders appears to symbolise how far from standing united, Britain’s ruling party is both fragmented and increasingly authoritarian.

The championship bout over No. 10 may be of small consequence compared to the danger that this internal division poses, but with both the Tories and the Lib Dems also struggling for unity, will anybody notice?

Yellow in peril

By Claire King Political Correspondent

F

or Charles Kennedy at this year’s Liberal Democrat Party Conference, the leadership issue attached itself to him like a large and very irritating albatross.

Unfortunately for Kennedy, no amount of enthusiastic applause from his supporters could suppress the grumblings and discontent of concerned Lib Dems worried about the party’s future. After success in the general election, the atmosphere should have been one of celebration and hope.

However, the likely change in Tory leadership from demon headmaster Michael Howard to the (marginally) more voter-friendly Kenneth Clarke could potentially reduce Lib Dem support. Similarly, when Gordon Brown assumes Labour leadership, those who were unhappy with the Blairite reign are likely to once again proudly pin on their little red ribbons in support of Labour.

The crux of Kennedy’s problem is that he is unwilling to assert the position of his party. If Clarke is successful in securing the position

of Tory leader, he has expressed interest in forming a coalition with the Liberal Democrats to help him gain power.

Therefore, pressure is mounting on Kennedy to take a more rightwing stance, instead of the currently confused mixture of left-wing policies with regard to Iraq and taxation and the right-wing plans to abolish the department of Trade and Industry, aspects of the New Deal, and the Child Trust Fund.

Kennedy made several resonant speeches at the conference, which were met with reassuring bursts of applause from animated supporters.

But beneath the surface of this Lib Dem foray, unrest regarding the party leader seems to have been brewing.

Embarrassingly, he even found it necessary to confirm that he does genuinely still wish to become Prime Minister. It’s an unusual - and one would hope unnecessary assertion for a man speaking at his seventh conference as party leader.

Two issues were ‘referred back’ (in other words, rejected) by party supporters – the plans to privatise the Post Office and the European budget – yet another symbol of the somewhat waning support for Chatshow Charlie.

By the end of the conference, journalists could openly ask Kennedy the question that more and more people are asking: "you have made it clear you are not going to resign: why not?”

Taf-Od

Tud 12

10 Hydref 2005

tafod@gairrhydd.com

“Boring, Boring, Boring” Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od

A

M 2.00 brynhawn Sadwrn, Hydref 1, ymatebodd tua 200 o bobl i alwad Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg i ymuno â nhw yn y galw am Ddeddf Iaith newydd y tu allan i’r Swyddfa Gymreig ym Mharc Cathays.

Gyda 12 mlynedd ers pasio Deddf Iaith 1993 mae aelodau’r gymdeithas yn credu ei bod yn hen bryd i’r llywodraeth greu deddfwriaeth newydd; un fydd yn sefydlu statws i’r Gymraeg,

yn sicrhau y byddai hawl gyfreithiol iddi yn y sector breifat a chyrff cyhoeddus, yn ogystal ag apwyntio comisiynydd a sefydlu Cyngor yr Iaith Gymraeg.

“Rydym yn hapus fod y ddeddfwriaeth gyffredol yn ddigon cadarn yn ei ffurf bresennol i ateb yr her sy’n wynebu’r iaith Gymraeg,” dywedodd llefarydd ar ran y Cynulliad. Ond nid yw hyn wrth fodd Cymdeithas yr Iaith.

Yn ôl Catrin Dafydd, Cadeirydd Grwp Deddf yr Iaith Gymraeg, “mae’r penderfyniad diweddar (gan y

Hywel Teifi Edwards yn y rali

Cynulliad) i ddiddymu Bwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg wedi dileu rhan helaeth o gynnwys yr hen ddeddf.” A dywedodd y prifardd Mererid Hopwood, un o dri siaradwr gwadd y rali, “mae’n hollbwysig ein bod ni yn gwireddu ein breuddwyd oherwydd ni wnaiff neb arall.”

Ymhlith y rhai oedd yn ceisio argyhoeddi’r Cymry mai ‘dyma’r cyfle’ i wireddu’r freuddwyd oedd Hywel Williams, AS Caernarfon. “Cymru a Phrydain yw yr eithriadau o ran sefyllfa iaith yn Ewrop. Pe bai Rhodri Morgan yn codi ei olygon, byddai’n sylweddoli hyn,” meddai wrth iddo amlinellu mesur iaith newydd y mae’n bwriadu cyflwyno yn San Steffan.

Yr angen am newid oedd prif neges yr hanesydd Hywel Teifi Edwards.

Dechreuodd ei araith trwy fynegi ei lawenydd wrth weld cymaint o bobl ifanc yn bresennol i gefnogi’r Gymraeg. “Rydym am iddi ffynnu a bod mor fyw ag erioed,” meddai. Aeth yn ei flaen i ddweud bod yn rhaid wrth newid er mwyn sicrhau hyn.

“Rydym yn hapus i drafod yr iaith Gymraeg,” meddai llefarydd ar ran Llywodraeth y Cynulliad, wedi i Rhodri Morgan, Prif Weinidog y Cynulliad, wrthod gwahoddiad gan y gymdeithas i drafod Deddf Iaith newydd ar faes yr Eisteddfod Genedlaethol eleni.

“Yn anffodus, bydd yr hyn y mae’r bwlis yn ei wneud dim ond yn gwanhau sut mae pobl yn ystyried agenda yr iaith Gymraeg,” ychwanegodd.

Estynnwyd y gwahoddiad hwn

Diwedd y Daith Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od

M

AE DILYNWYR rygbi Cymru wedi arfer â’r annisgwyl dros y flwyddyn – curo Lloegr ac yna ymlaen i ennill y Gamp Lawn – a’r wythnos ddiwethaf caed y diweddaraf.

Er mai yn 2008 mae ei gytundeb yn dod i derfyn, cyhoeddodd David Moffett ar 29 Medi y byddai’n ymddiswyddo’n Brif Weithredwr Grwp Undeb Rygbi Cymru erbyn diwedd y flwyddyn hon.

Yn 2002 wynebai’r Undeb ddyledion o bron i £70m, roedd y tim cenedlaethol yn dioddef o ymadawiad cynnar Graham Henry wedi 11 gem heb fuddugoliaeth, ac roedd trefniadaeth y clybiau ar chwal. Pwy yn ei iawn bwyll fyddai’n cytuno i ymgymryd â’r

dyledion, ffurfiwyd y clybiau rhanbarthol, ac enillodd y tim cenedlaethol y Gamp Lawn am y tro cyntaf ers 27 mlynedd.

Roedd ei dristwch yn amlwg wrth iddo gyhoeddi ei ddychewliad i Seland Newydd am rhesymau personol, teuluol. “Bydd hi’n anodd iawn i mi adael Cymru, ond mae’r amser wedi dod i mi fynd oherwydd rhesymau personol,” meddai, ‘mae’r ffaith fy mod yn mynd i Seland Newydd, sy’n wlad debyg i Gymru, yn mynd i hwyluso pethau i mi.’

Er gwaetha’r anniddigrwydd adeg diddymu rhanbarth y Rhyfelwyr Celtaidd ddwy flynedd yn ôl, bydd yn siwr o adael bwlch enfawr ar ei ol. Ni fydd unrhyw un yn cymryd ei le’n Brif Weithredwr, ond bydd ei ddirprwyon, prif weithredwr URC Steve Lewis a phrif weithredwr Stadiwm y Mileniwm, Paul Sergeant, yn mynd i’r afael a’r gwaith o hyn ymlaen.

Dywedodd Moffett mewn cynhadledd i’r wasg, “mae hi wedi bod yn daith anhygoel, ond mae’n rhaid i bopeth da ddod i ben.”

Cymdeithas yr Iaith yn galw am Ddeddf Iaith Newydd unwaith eto ddydd Sadwrn, a galwodd Steffan Cravos, Cadeirydd Cymdeithas yr Iaith, i Rhodri Morgan ymddiswyddo am iddo ‘ddweud celwydd’ wrth Gymru am ei fwriadau ynghylch y Gymraeg.

‘Rydym am iddi ffynnu a bod mor fyw ag erioed’

“Oni bai am y Gymraeg ni fyddai datganoli. Oni bai am ddatganoli ni fyddai’r Cynulliad. Oni bai am y Gymraeg ni fyddai’r swyddi ar gael ar gyfer y rhai sy’n ei chael hi mor anodd i ddeddfu dros yr iaith”, meddai Mererid Hopwood.

Gallwn ddisgwyl ymgyrchoedd eraill o’r fath gan Gymdeithas yr Iaith yn y dyfodol, wrth iddi ddechrau ar gyfnod newydd o ymgyrchoedd uniongyrchol. Yn ôl Catrin Dafydd, “bwriad gweithredu di-drais o’r fath yw i ddwyn y mater i sylw’r cyhoedd dro ar ôl tro, gan geisio sicrhau na all y Llywodraeth barhau i’w anwybyddu.”

Adolygiad Gig: Dyma’r Cyfle Gan Mari Elin Gohebydd Taf-Od

Y

n agor y noson oedd y band ifanc o Gaerfyrddin, Tangwystl ac, yn bersonol, roedd o’n ddechrau gwych.

Roeddwn yn hoff iawn o’u defnydd o’r sacs a’r ffidil gymaint nes i mi brynu’r cd!

Yn ail ar y llwyfan oedd Sleifar a’r Teulu, sydd erioed wedi fy siomi.

Fel arfer, roedd ei set yn bwerus ac yn llawn negeseuon - addas iawn

gan mai gig Cymdeithas yr Iaith oedd hi.

Yr olaf i chwarae, ac uchafbwynt y noson, oedd Mattoidz. Nes i ddim stopio dawnsio! Dyma’r tro cyntaf i mi eu gweld yn fyw, ac roedden nhw’n wych!

Roeddwn i’n hoff iawn o’r ffaith bod Donut Ashokan a Cynan Llwyd Kenavo wedi ymuno a Mattoidz i ganu pennill neu ddwy.

Noson ffantastig - edrych ymlaen at y nesaf yn barod!

‘Mae hi wedi bod yn daith anhygoel, ond mae’n rhaid i bopeth da ddod i ben’

fath swydd?

Ymatebodd Moffett i’r her ar 2 Rhagfyr 2002, ac yn ystod ei dair blynedd yn y swydd gostyngwyd y

Moffet yn ymddiswyddo

MC Sleifar yn ‘cynrychioli’ Cymdeithas yr Iaith

Media

October 10 2005

Page 13

media@gairrhydd.com

TXT MSG BULLIES BEWARE

As communicating by text message and e-mail grows, so does its missuse.

Media looks at electronic media in terms of harasment

By Heather Casey Media Editor

T

ECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES in communication has radically changed many social aspects of our lives.

As new media grows, improvement in service will put us all at an advantage. From an educational viewpoint, we communicate constantly as a university via email. Blackboard is invaluable to many of us, and socially, texting is beneficial to those who get in Creation for free by flashing your latest text code to a bouncer.

However, as the promise of communication expands, we are quick to forget the sinister side of new media. This week a Welsh Software Company , Magility is promoting its latest product which can block SMS messages from non-phonebook numbers.

Charities have reported 1 in 4 teenagers have been victim to text or online bullying The software comes after reports that abusive and harassing messaging is on the increase. The charity National Childrens Home (NCH) has reported that one in four teenagers has been a victim of bullying via a computer or mobile phone. The results also showed that 16% of all eleven to nineteen –year-olds had received threating text

messages, and 11% harassed in an internet chat-room or via email.

Combining both text and internet communication, BBC Online reported that one 15-year-old boy was being bullied by a ‘friend’ from an internet chat room. After forming a friendship where mobile numbers were exchanged, the Lancashire schoolboy was sent messages including ; " I know your school. I’m going to beat you.

Hurt you. Disfigure you."

With the invention of 3G mobile handsets, video streaming has made assault a form of entertainment.

The craze of ‘happy slapping’ swept the nation earlier this year. Guardian Unlimited published postings on a London web forum from "Happyslapper2" who described the craze as a "joke", "If you feel bored wen ur about an u got a video phone den bitch slap sum norman, innit”

Crime In 2004 Jeremy Oakley pleaded guilty to intending to cause distress by electronic communication. Andrew Sykes, an undercover reporter for the BBC, had linked the man to BNP activities as a exposé documentary was being filmed about far-right activities.

Sykes was sent messages calling him "scum" and another threatening his life after the programme was broadcast.

In 2001, one of the first convictions which involved text messages, was announced. A lorry driver was sentenced to five years imprisonment after killing a pedestrian whilst texting his girlfriend.

In October 2004, Law.Com reported

HAPPY SLAPPING FORUM: “When ur about an u got a video phone den bitch slap sum norman innit” a judge in Detroit noted that spectators were using camera phones to take pictures of witnesses during a murder investigation. The witness subsequently had to be relocated in fear of being recognised afterwards. Cameraphones have since been banned from many county courts.

Advertising has also come under scrutiny, using pester power, texting potential customers. Ian Tokelove, spokesman for the Food Commission, told Timesonline.co.uk: "Companies are using text messaging as a way of influencing children while keeping parents out of the loop. They can apply direct pressure on children and the majority of it is for unhealthy foods”.

In 2003 a survey of 26,000 Yahoo!

Email users revealed that "e-mail has

become an increasing burden on computer users with the power to ruin their personal lives". Reported on CyberBusinessCentre, 12% of respondents admitted having an argument with a friend over an e-mail misinterpretation and 28% percent of respondents "lived in fear of personal e-mails being sent to a boss by mistake”

Email Email was also given as a reason for loss of concentration. 64% of respondents had problems doing anything whilst waiting for an e-mail reply from someone they liked and over half of those asked said they wasted time constantly checking for a reply. A cowardly 2% also said they had broken up with a partner over e-mail.

Schemes are now being developed, similar to Magility,which have come as a result of raising awareness of text and email harassment. Schools across London and some home counties are using a 24-hour service called ‘Text someone’. A confidential mobile number is set up which pupils can text to report bullying if they are uncomfortable talking to a teacher or parent.

Supermarket Tescos has teamed up with the charity National Children’s Home (NCH), online at www.stoptextbully.com. Here, advice can be found on seven forms of harrassment,

A Yahoo! survey says 2% of respondants have dumped a partner via email including photos and identity.

Other schemes of awareness include those surrounding healthcare. Text messages from www.eggalert.com, an American healthcare company, send out self breast exam reminders to its clients at no extra charge. The PDAHealthWare company founder commented: "If we could catch just one breast cancer early, it would be worthwhile".

British Hay fever sufferers can also subscribe to ‘Pollen alerts’. Sent via both e-mail and text messaging, Benadryl alert consumers of the daily pollen count.

Located in the Cathays area of Cardiff, Magility has teamed up with a ‘Help a South Wales child’ . The charity was set up by Red Dragon Fm. Their scheme to protect children from text message harassment will receive £1 when the software is downloaded at: www.reddragonfm.co.uk

A guide to text or email bullying: Because it’s not face to face interaction, text and email bullying can be very intense because of its private and anonymous nature.

1.ALWAYS tell someone you trust what’s happening. The Student Advice Centre on the third floor of the union building. It’s open every weekday, including holidays with a drop-in service between 9.30am and 12.30pm or appointments to see an Adviser can be made for between 1 pm and 3 pm.

Nightine is open 8pm-8am on 02920-223-993.

2.CHANGE your email address and mobile phone number. Most mobile phone providers, including Orange will change numbers for free for users being harassed by malicious calls or messages.

3.BE SELECTIVE when giving out your mobile number and personal email address. It sounds simple but online directories can track down most people with just ‘name@hotmail.com’.

October 10 2005

Science & Environment

Page 15

science@gairrhydd.com

Deforestation? Not Good

Little did we suspect that chopping down most of the trees in Central Africa would lead to yet another cold dry winter

By Ceri Morgan

atmosphere - making the tropics the Earth’s primary source of radiation.

Clearly, land-cover changes in tropical regions carry potentially significant consequences on water resources, wildfire frequency, agriculture and related activities at various remote locations.

Science and Environment Editor

O

ne third of our planet’s land surface has been transformed by human develop-

ment.

That’s according to top scientists at Duke University, North Carolina. The researchers used computer models from NASA to produce several climate simulations.

The results showed that deforestation in different areas of the globe affects rainfall patterns over a considerable region.

Deforestation in the Amazon region of South America influences rainfall from Mexico to as far as Texas. Similar human activities in Central Africa affects precipitation in the upper and lower US Midwest.

Deforestation in South America affects rainfall as far as Texas The plundering of forests for tourism in South East Asia has been found to alter rainfall in China and the Balkan Peninsula.

These findings totally contradict earlier research which suggested that deforestation would result in a reduction in precipitation and an increase in temperature in the Amazon Basin, but carry no detectable impact on the glob-

Amazonia drives weather systems around the world

FOREST: Was here when I left al water cycle.

“Our study carried somewhat surprising results, showing that although the major impact of deforestation on rainfall is found in and near the deforested regions, it also has a strong influence on rainfall in the mid and even high latitudes,” said Roni Avissar, lead author of the study.

Specifically, deforestation of the Amazonian region was found to severely reduce rainfall in the Gulf of Mexico, Texas and Northern Mexico

during the crucial spring and summer seasons, when water is needed for agricultural productivity.

Elimination of any of these tropical forests around the globe considerably enhances rainfall in the southern tip of the Arabian Peninsula.

However the combined effect of deforestation in all three regions shifts the greatest precipitation decline in the US to California during the winter months.

Improved understanding of tropical

Regression, not evolution?

By Paul Hunt

Science Reporter

T

he debate concerning the origins of life - considered long won by evolution - is still alive and kicking in Dover, Pennsylvania.

The local school board recently passed a resolution stating that children in ninth grade science should be told that evolution was just a theory, and that ‘intelligent design is an explanation of the origins of life that differs from Darwin’s view’.

Intelligent design, dubbed ‘Creationism lite by it’s critics is similar to Creationism in that it states that the mechanisms of life are too complex to have occurred by random mutation and natural selection, and instead it is the work of some form of ‘designer’.

Unlike creationism, however, intelligent design theory doesn’t state that the world is less than 10,000 years old and agrees that some mutation and natural selection does take place.

As the identity of the designer is not specifically mentioned, proponents deny claims that it has religious background asserting that it is scientific theory with backers including some

prominent biologists.

Opponents of intelligent design have highlighted the problem with a theory with a ‘designer’ at its core. As it is neither provable nor disprovable it is fundamentally unscientific.

The similarity with Creationism has landed the Dover school board in court as parents have filed a civil suit against the education authorities for breaking the first amendment (concerning keeping state and religion separate).

It seems that the school board in Dover is just keeping up with other towns in America and other aspects of public life.

The school board in Kansas had similar, yet public debates earlier this year and they are expected to introduce intelligent design based material into its science classes in the very near future.

A satirical religion under the name Flying Spaghetti Monsterism - which suggests that the world was created by a flying spaghetti monster, and that global warming is due to the gradual dying out of pirates - is also campaigning to be taught in Kansas schools science lessons .

The creator, Bobby Henderson, wrote to the school board demanding that time be dedicated to all three the-

ories, ‘One third time for intelligent design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.’

Also flying the flag for Creationism is The Museum of Earth History, Arkansas. The museum shows Adam and Eve living side by side with dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden, a scenario that earth scientists would scorn.

There is a section showing the great flood with dinosaurs on the ark, claiming that they died out after the flood in the ice age, caused by the cold and humans hunting them to extinction.

The campaign has found a powerful if not unexpected backer, who has added considerable fuel to the already rather large fire.

George W. Bush (whose face makes a stronger case for humans being descended from monkeys than any proven scientific evidence) has spoken out for teaching theories other than evolution (of which intelligent design is the only competitor) in schools.

Whatever the outcome of the case you can be sure that intelligent design is here to stay, as a recent poll found that 64% of Americans are in favour of teaching Creationism as well as evolution in schools.

forested regions is valuable to scientists because of their strong influence on the global climate.

Amazingly, the Amazon Basin literally drives weather systems around the world. The tropics receive two-thirds of the world’s rainfall, and water changes quickly from liquid to vapour and back again, storing and releasing heat energy in the process.

With such an overwhelming amount of rainfall, a huge volume of heat is released into the upper levels of the

And while greenhouse gases and pollutants receive the most publicity, this study shows that deforestation is another important matter, especially as forests have been disappearing around the world at an increased rate over the past two decades.

This is partly due to more and more third-world countries becoming industrialised, and utilising their respective countries’ resources with no significant thought to sustainability.

However these changes in rainfall patterns do not discriminate between nations, as the significant winter droughts in California, and inconsistent precipitation patterns in Scandinavia show.

gair rhydd isn’t just for Journalism students!

If you’ve got an interest in any area of science and want to contribute, email Science on: science@gairrhydd.com.

Science in brief MARS ATTACKS INSTRUMENTS DESIGNED to look for signs of life on Mars in a future expedition have proven their capabilities by finding evidence of both living and fossilized microbes in a frozen Norwegian volcano.

The new detection systems include a miniaturized device fitted with protein micro-array chips that respond only to specific biogenic molecules.

Contamination is a risk, but the use of specially designed sterile drills has enabled sterile sampling to be undertaken.

The micro-array device will undergo further tests in 2005 aboard NASA's space shuttle, assuming NASA can solve the "Concorde" problem that has currently grounded the fleet.

SWIMMING CELLS A FRENCH SCIENTIST has been the first person to attach a tail to the front of a living cell, and is probably the first person who has wanted to.

However Remi Dreyfus’s microscopic tail can be use to direct the cell, much like a sperm cell.

Why? Being able to direct cells exactly could lead to a future in which medicines can be driven through the bloodstream to exactly the right spot.

The tail is a filament of tiny magnetic beads held together by strands of DNA. When an oscillating magnetic field is applied to the cells, the magnetic beads move in synchronisation, propelling them through the fluid.

GOOD NEWS DREYFUS IS UNSURE as to his next move.

In a surprise announcement, scientists in the US say they have recreated the influenza virus that killed at least 50 million people in 1918, and that they have infected mice with it.

Fortunately for the world, Jeff Taubenberger has painstakingly pieced together viral fragments from hospital specimens and a victim buried in Alaskan permafrost to sequence all eight coding regions of the 1918 flu virus’s genome.

Not simply a method of pest control, their intention is to understand the progress and evolution of pandemics, similar to those outlined in the book The Tipping Point.

Problem Page

10 October 2005

Page 17

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: losers, laces, lebensraum and la-di-dah!

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners!

Well I don’t know about you, but I’m enjoying the start of teaching yet again. Girls wearing inappropriately short skirts to lectures (yes, I can see your gusset), sweaty blokes running to some sporting event on Wednesday afternoons in tiny shorts (yes, I can see your John Thomas)... Bliss. Even better is that it’s started to get cold and wet (Monsoon season, Cardiff style). That means pointy nipples, flushed cheeks and crotchless knickers... No, sorry, that’s my summer wear. I don’t know what I’m talking about - I must still be on a high after my ‘raid’ on Freshers in Rubber Duck...

Lots of love, Amber, here for YOU. Xxx

Ar y an Arousal!

Dear Amber, HAS ANYONE complemented you on your lovely hair yet? It’s lovely.

Anyway, my problem is this. I like to dress up. I know what you’re thinking, A.D. ‘Ooh, another saucy one!’

Likes his girlfriend to climb down his fireman’s pole while dusting down his big shiny yellow helmet.

Well, not quite. Y’see I like to dress as a Nazi - Franz Pfeffer von Solomon (leader of the SA, 1926-30, just to be specific).

I’m not racist, but I love the feel of the brown tweedy wool on my gonads and the swastika goes really well with my Hush Puppies. I even have the regulation undergarments.

It’s getting harder and harder to conceal my Stormtrooper secret - one

Twat Bag! Dear Amber, I ENJOY SEX with my boy-friend (sic) every day and I always climax. Is something wrong?

Luve (sic) and hugs, Aleesha, Year 1 Mechanical Engineering.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Aleesha, I know it must be hard to be in your first year, away from your beloved family for perhaps the first time, and I know how hard it must be to suddenly realise you are on the WORST COURSE EVER. However, I see no reason why you feel the need to take out your problems on me.

You are obviously a complete twat, selfish enough to take up my time when I have real people with serious problems to deal with. Just look at poor Schuh! Look at his problems! You BAG OF FUCK WATER. It’s completely apparent that you have the most imaginary of imaginary boyfriends, who is as likely to have sex with you and bring you to climax as a coconut is to burst into

song at the break of day in Tesco Metro (or any other leading supermarket).

I don’t know why you bothered to burden me with your faked problems. You’d be better off spending your time looking for a real man. One who really can bring you to a staggering orgasm in two seconds flat, even though you sound completely asexual and ugly.

Anyways, I’d better go and deal with the REAL people with REAL problems who have more right to write to me than you, twat face.

I hope that this advice helps you.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

of my housemates recently commented that she found a stick-on moustache in the washing machine. I was so embarrassed and flustered that I told her it was only my girlfriend, Eva’s merkin. Now she gives her funny looks everytime she asks to borrow her comb when she stays over.

Do you think I should admit to my problem or should I try to reich this one out? I don’t want to start a war!

Yours, in desperation, Luke Waffer, Roy Jenkins Hall.

Shoe Shine!

Dear Amber, I AM WRITING TO YOU in desperation about an unresolved problem I’ve been carrying around with me for years. Now I’m at university I feel like I need a clean slate.

A few years ago, my life couldn’t have got any worse. I had to start a new secondary school in Purve, Yorkshire. Previously I had lived in Pant, North Wales, so it was a big move for me.

Anyway, I started school in Purve and it was rubbish. I didn’t make any friends and all the teachers were horri-

Oh My Posh!

Dear Amber, AS MUCH AS I HAVE enjoyed my first few weeks at Cardiff, I’m still struggling to fit in. There seems to be a deal of snobbery at Cardiff that I was completely unprepared for. Who’d have thought that the university wasn’t filled with TippEx-white, public-school leavers?

Not me, that’s for sure!

You see, I chose Victoria Hall assuming that any riff-raff (you know the type; parents drive a Volvo, Mother’s a part-time art teacher, Dad works in insurance), would reside in the less salubrious climes of Talybont Court.

Can you imagine my shock when,

AMBER SAYS: Dear Luke, Well, to be honest I didn’t think you sounded the sort to dress up like a fireman, you presumptuous twat, but I will do my best to help you regardless of this faux pas.

I can see your embarrassment at wanting your girlfirend to wear a merkin, but a lot of men like hirsuite women - any bog-standard porn site will tell you so, so rest assured.

In terms of your choice of attire,

don’t run away and hide in a bunker about it! Lots of people like to make themselves ‘original’ by trying to find the most obscure thing to dress up in.

However, you just sound rather tawdry and uninspired. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that you need to come out of the Aryan cupboard and tell your friends the truth. I’m sure they like to dress up as squirrels etc in their spare time, so don’t worry.

Hope this helps.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

ble. All apart from one - Mr X. I’ll call him that just in case he’s reading this.

Anyway, Mr X taught me geography, which is my strongest subject.

Well, he made me find it hard, but that’s a different matter.

The thing is, Amber, I fell into deep lust with Mr X. I kept having erections when I heard his voice, even through the staff room wall. I once pulled a moulted hair from his tweed jacket and I kept it under my pillow for weeks. When I wasn’t found out about stealing a strand of his hair, things took a turn for the worse.

I stole his shoes when he wasn’t looking (don’t ask me how, that’s another problem in itself) and took them home, where for weeks I wanked into them.

Disaster struck when one day, after a particularly vigorous ‘session’, I

realised both shoes were full.

I didn’t see how I could steal another pair so I just had to give up wanking.

Since then, and that was nearly four years ago, I have not had a wank because I can’t find a suitable pair of shoes (I threw Mr X’s away - they were ruined).

I am rather sexually frustrated and don’t know how to deal with it.

Please help me, Amber.

after putting the quilt on my Queensize and flicking through the channels on my tiny 18" TV (with Sky), my new "roomies" turned up armed with a bottle of repulsive cheap rosé, Ikea catalogues and jellied eels (probably).

They say things like ‘serviettes’ instead of napkins and ‘dinner’ instead of supper! Yuk, two of them even used to ride horses instead of ponies. I even saw one of them eating cake with their fingers instead of a fork the other day.

I’m not sure if I can live with these kind of people for much longer, Amber. What shall I do?

ing to fear. Please don’t worry, as we all have our crosses to bear, even if they are horrid old ones.

When I first came to Cardiff, most of my housemates found the way I sat around in my sateen dressing-gown sipping Darjeeling and eating sauteed shitake mushrooms in their own jus.

They found it even more unpalatable when they found that I shopped at Agent Provocoteur rather than Anne Summers. But you see, jealousy is a poor man’s threesome - it’ll rule your life and not just your fantasies, if you let it.

So heed my advice and turn the other cheek. They’ll soon learn that being a scally isn’t as cool as pony club. I really hope that this helps.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

Fondest regards, Trudy Lewis-Lewis x AMBER SAYS: Dear Trudy, Well well, my dear, you have noth-

Yours, Schuh Clarkes, Talybont.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Schuh, I hear that Barratt’s has a sale on. I hope this helps.

Love from Amber xxx

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

Health

October 10 2005

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health@gairrhydd.com

UNDER PRESSURE

Stressed yet? Well, you shouldn’t be! Laura Murphy investigates how to curb new-semester nerves and stop anxiety from running your life

O

ne of the greatest things about university life is that every day you are likely to meet someone new.

Attending lectures and seminars means that eventually you will be faced with an assignment deadline; going out to the Union on a Wednesday night means you will definitely be surrounded by crowds of people on a night out. Sounds perfectly normal?

For some students the thought of any of these innocuous situations could result in breaking out in a cold sweat, or worse.

Anxiety, or social anxiety, affects many people at some point in their lives; the new and unique experiences of studying at university can throw up situations where someone previously as cool as a cucumber can turn into a shy and retiring recluse.

Anxiety is a normal human reaction for certain situations; it keeps us from doing things that might be dangerous (like sticking your head in an oven, or walking off a cliff, for example).

However, anxiety can sometimes reach levels that are unhealthy and can lead to your life being inhibited for fear of doing something wrong - for example, how can you chat up the fit guy/girl at the bar if you can’t even go over and talk to him/her?

Anxiety of all kinds affects different

people in different ways. People who suffer from anxiety at various levels could experience a racing heart, increased sweating, headaches, a feeling of pressure that interferes with everyday life, such as panic attacks or even avoiding all situations that could throw up these feelings.

In some cases, anxiety can cause people to avoid even thinking about the trigger of their anxiety; people who are worried about an essay deadline could put off doing the essay altogether, which, of course, does not help the situation get any better.

According to the Student Counselling Service available from the Student Support and Development Centre in the Union, people with anxiety can react in one of two ways. The anxious person can isolate himself or herself and withdraw from people and social interaction.

Alternatively there can be increased dependence upon others - such as asking repetitive questions, looking for reassurance, or just needing to be in the presence of others to bring about calm. Either way, solving the issues behind your anxiety will probably lead to an increased enjoyment of your time at University and life after Cardiff as well, however far away that seems.

More people than you would think suffer from a fear of speaking in public,

yet only a tiny proportion of those actually admit it.

One way of getting help for dealing with anxiety is through the services that the University offers to all students. The Counselling Service at Cardiff University is completely free and confidential, and all problems will be dealt with by a trained counsellor.

The counselling service also run workshops and group sessions on relaxation and stress-reduction techniques to help quell feelings of pressure and help you gain back some control. More information can be found on the Cardiff University website. The most important thing to keep thinking about is that you are not alone- and that by breaking the cycle of anxiety you are leaving yourself free to enjoy everything that university life has to offer.

NATURAL BORN WORRIER? Jess Anderson reveals how anxiety held her back until she decided to do something about it

S

tarting at university is difficult for many of us, but some people seem to cope far better than others. As for me, I’m a natural-born worrier, and I started worrying about university a long time before I even arrived in Cardiff.

I’m a shy person at the best of times, so my main concern was that I wouldn’t be able to make any friends. I also worried about living away from home for the first time, and being responsible for my own shopping, cooking and housework.

I worried about finding my way around, about having money problems, even about the possibility that I had chosen the wrong course and had basically committed myself to wasting the next three years of my life. What I was feeling was a typical case of “Fresher Anxiety”, also known as “Worrying About Everything”, and it made start ing university a nerve-wracking rather than exciting experience.

However, it wasn’t long before things improved. It only took me a few weeks to realise that my Fresher Anxiety was a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, things went the way I expected them to. For example, if I went into a lecture thinking "I’m not going to make a friend here", I usually didn’t, whereas if I went in feeling more positive about meeting someone new, invariably I did.

The more I worried about something the more difficult it became. I quickly learned that letting anxiety control your behaviour makes things harder, which in turn makes you more nervous, which makes things harder still, and so on. It’s a vicious cycle – but it can be broken.

So that’s my take on Fresher Anxiety.

It does not matter if you’re worried about starting university; this anxiety is natural, and it happens to the best of us. What matters is how you deal with it.

If you let anxiety control your behaviour, it will only get the better of you.

If you think positively and tell yourself that things will be okay, they probably will be. Then, before you know it, your time at university will have flown past and you will be preparing to go out into the real world.

PILL: Take the proverbial

ANXIETY: don’t worry, be happy.

• To see a counsellor at the Cathays Park campus, you can phone on (029) 2087 4966, email counselling@cardiff.ac.uk or drop in between 9.30 a.m. and 4 p.m. at 50 Park Place (by the Fitness and Squash Centre) and ask for an introductory appointment.

• To see a counsellor at the Heath Park campus, phone on (029) 2074 2070, send an email to counselling@cardiff.ac.uk, or call in between 8.30 a.m. and 4.30 p.m. at Student Support Services, 2nd Floor, Cardigan House to book an introductory appointment.

By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor IF YOU are a Fresher, this is probably the first time in your life that you are living away from home and it can feel a little daunting.

You have to remember the names of what seems like the whole of the Cardiff population and you realise that, sadly, necessities like toilet paper do not buy themselves. It is a lot to take in, so is it any wonder that many new (and old) students begin suffering from anxiety?

The majority of students will suffer from anxiety at some point in their lives, ranging from a simple mild tension to more serious conditions such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Panic Disorder. The good news is that, luckily, Anxiety Disorders are one of the more treatable mental problems.

The likelihood is that if you are feeling particularly anxious right now it will fade as soon as you "settle in", but if you are after that coveted "quick fix", natural remedies really are the best option for temporary anxiety.

Simple things such as relaxation techniques have long been considered beneficial. Practice slow, deep breathing (not too slow!) and take half an hour when it all gets a bit much, just to chill out and relax.

Ideally, if you are lucky enough to have one in your house, take a bath with a few drops of lavender oil in it (the smell isn't too girly, I swear), which should calm both mind and body. If not, try rubbing a little into your temples (located at the sides of the forehead).

This is also a great cure for headaches, so try it out the morning after the night before. Above all, get plenty of sleep when you can. It is the student way, after all.

Free Stuff

Page 20

October 10 2005

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! MALIBU GOODIES, GIG TICKETS, FREE SNAPS AND A PRETTY LITTLE LIGHT - LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? IT’S MY birthday this week and, as ever, there are loads of presents on this page for you guys (and none for me). If you want to make me a happy chick as I turn 21, please, please enter my competitions by emailing me at competitions@gairrhydd.com. I still have two mobile phones to give away from last week and a trip to Ireland!

I’m either doing something wrong by offering you free stuff or you lot are a bunch of lazy buggers. Come on, get off your arses- I’m not gonna hand prizes out in the street just to get rid of them!

extra-ORDINARY AS YOU all know, our Students’ Union are providing more than the ordinary dose of university entertainment this year.

In fact, the standard of the international artists and bands that have been lured our way is so great that gig tickets are selling out hard and fast. And with the hippest, funkiest, damn right coolest line-up almost given to us on a plate, I’m not at all surprised.

Following live sets from Kosheen, Supergrass, and The Magic Numbers so far this term, the entertainments team have yet another astounding act for you to get your glad rags on for.

As of Monday 17 October, indie super group The Ordinary Boys will be playing for one night only at Solus.

Tickets to see this very British band, who are influenced heavily

by The Jam, The Smiths and Gene, are just £12.50 when pur-

chased in advance from the ticket office or online at www.cardiffstudents.com.

The Ordinary Boys are a restless, energetic band with a knack for writing pretty infectious tunes, so why not head down to the union to see them next week.

If you and a friend would like free tickets for the event, with guest list privileges, then get yourselves off your squidgey bums and send me an email.

THE BOYS: ORDINARY

AND THE WINNERS ARE...

WELL DONE to Dan Worth, George Ballard, Nicola Jennings, Tim Sparks, Iwan Davis and Rhys Mason, who’ve all won their own choice of t-shirt from www.djtees.com.

I’m loving that hot pink Pete Doherty t-shirt Nicola, even if the guy is a twat. Congrats also to Hannah Ryan who’s on the guest list for Supersize Sumo on Saturday and a whole bunch of lucky people who won free cinema tickets to see the Deuce Bigalow sequel this week.

Don’t forget, if you’d like to win £130 worth of Pout goodies, the competition is still open - just email your name, address and telephone number to mistress@pout.co.uk.

UNLESS YOU made it to the Caribbean during the summer (I made Pembroke) or your partner hails from the Med (mine’s Welsh), chances are you haven’t had a taste of the exotic recently.

But fear not, my friends, as the fabulously fruity Malibu brand is set to bring a bit of sunshine direct to the university’s doors this very month.

To launch the new Malibu Mango and Malibu Pineapple, a very bright and bubbly bunch from the party drink’s headquarters are coming to Cardiff Students’ Union on October 15 and 22 to hold the Seriously Exotic Malibu parties.

Currently touring universities around the UK, not only have these parties earned a sizzling reputation for being seriously exotic, they’re also a pretty good crack.

Along with the opportunity to reinvent yourself as an expert rump shaker in the party’s dance competition, the Malibu team will also be on hand on the two allocated days to dress you up in crazy Caribbean style costumes and get you involved in their party snaps.

If that’s not exciting enough, you can also take part in a full-on fruit fight between lectures, using the likes of foam pineapples and mangos to avoid causing serious head injuries.

Sound good? I thought so, and what’s more is that every person who happens to drift past the union on the two party days will be given a funky flower garland and Seriously

Exotic booklet, plus a free drinks voucher for Malibu Pineapple or Malibu Mango - great served with lemonade and ice!

To celebrate and get you in the mood for the Seriously Exotic parties, my wonderful self at Grab! has managed to get my hands on a Seriously Exotic Party Pack to give away to one lucky reader. Containing a bottle of Malibu Pineapple and Malibu Mango, a Malibu cocktail pitcher, Malibu glasses, Malibu swizzle sticks, lip balm and a key pouch, the pack virtually screams party time (and Malibu) and has everything one fun-loving student might need to prepare for a night of exotic entertainment.

As always, entering one of my competitions is pretty easy - all you need to do is email the correct answer to the question below, along with your contact details and D/O/B, to the above address: How are Malibu Pineapple and Malibu Mango best served?

For terms and conditions see www.makingwaves.co.uk

GET YOUR MOBILE PHONE SNAPS WITH WE’VE ALL seen how out of control mobile phone technology has become recently.

While t’Internet is swarmed with annoying pop-ups advertising ring tones, screensavers and the like, television is no better; once we stopped cursing that indecent frog, they introduced a singing chick and a certain dragon we wanted to slay.

So it’s a joy to hear that while Spedia Media have jumped on the bandwagon by introducing another mobile extra, they by no means wish to emulate the nightmare of Crazy Frog et al.

As mobile technology moves increasingly from the ears and

towards the eyes, Spedia Media have launched their Easy Peasy mobile to print service, allowing mobile users to receive prints of all their favourite digital images in quality photo format.

By texting your photos to the Easy Peasy number - 07740 767666 - you can receive a framed print within 3-5 days, putting (relatively little) pay - just £2.50 per image - to the idea that making the most of mobile technology costs. In fact, Easy Peasy is just that.

Developed around the principle that too often there just isn’t time to download pictures to the PC, burn them to a CD and trot them off to the shops to be developed, Easy Peasy (like us) accepts that life is too short to be faffing about when you could be having fun. And with no long waits, hidden charges or complicated processes, the service is entirely professional.

What a great find. And there’s more: I’m giving 5 lucky readers two free prints of their most cherished mobile snaps if they can answer this easy peasy question:

Which of these is a well known phrase?

A) Easy peasy lemon squeezy B) Easy peasy bumped my kneesy C) Easy peasy lost my keysies

Each time you order a print from Easy Peasy, you’ll be entered into a monthly prize draw to win an Ipod shuffle.

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Award-Winning Television

October 10 2005

Page 21

squareeyes@bentface.com

This Week’s Mores Amongst the TV Flaws: October 10 - 16 2005

More Phwoar

Finally, A Long-Awaited Excuse For another Picture of Larry David

HOT

Trapped In The Closet R. Kelly This five part soap opera / r ‘ b anthem is, and I must reiterate this threefold, genius, genius, GENIUS. Give a visit to www.rkelly.com or whatever his website is, and watch all five videos. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

Neighbours Papa Max don’t preach, Boyd’s in trouble deep - and he’s keeping the baby. I keep missing Neighbours so I’ve no idea and I’m relying on second hand information here so forgive me if it’s not 100% accurate. I think Boyd’s about to give birth, and Steph, his mum wants him to keep it but Max, his brother is desperate for him to to give it away. There’s also this Kayla Karla Khameleon character who gave Boyd the baby in the first place or something along those lines.

Elsewhere, Janae has grown an extra breast, elevating her status amongst internet geeks down under, and Stingray has a protractor shoved down his throat by Lou after a dispute over who slept on the left hand side of the bed. It’s gonna be a mad house.

Attention! Anyone who doesn’t have access to Freeview please look away now.

The greastest television event of the year is upon us. No, not Ant and Dec’s Gameshow marathon, we’re not Bizarre in The Sun for Christs sake. We’re talking about MoreFour, which, essentially, is the work of somebody going “why don’t we put all the awesome programs that we show on channel four and stick them all on the same channel. Four, of course being the only people who can get away with this sort of thing: ITV1 would just be showing repeats of Night and Day and their annual Die Hard trilogy weekend every night, and BBC1 would basically be cloning BBC3 and we might as well give up on life altogether.

The carnival of the stars commences on Monday 8pm, and here’s the line-up (deep breath): The political offal is squeezed into twenty minutes of hot comedy beef jerky in The Daily Show, catch up with the mob with the gob in The Sopranos, another useless metaphor or rhyming couplet can be stuck here before I write The West Wing and I know you probably are going to take a look at this page, notice a few titles written in bold, like Fahrenheit 9/11 and A Very Social Secretary and quickly turn the page. Hmmm, no funny stuff here, just a big long list of what’s on MoreFour.

Hey! Here’s a couple more:Morgan Spurlock of Super Size Me fame presenting a series of p r o grams

Fudge Tunnel 3

about the same kind of shit as the aforementioned McDonalds-bating tripe he did before.

Did somebody say “morbidly depressing Hitler biopic about the last days of Nazi Germany party?”

Well, I’ve got one word for you: Downfall! But not only that, Capturing the Friedmans - why not make it a double feauture of Nazi collapse and paedophile home

movies? Which almost brings it to an exhaustive end. There’s plenty more that MoreFour can bring to the party, but I suggest you research the whole shabang yourself. I’ll leave you with the familiar sight of TV Desk ranting on about Curb Your Enthusiasm. But think about it, now you can see for yourselves the complete and utter genius for yourselves without having to resort to BBC4, physically flying over to America, or borrow any of our DVDs of it. Seriously, you haven’t got an excuse anymore. As anyone else who has already picked up a copy of season 4 last week will agree, the quality of the writig and acting has quadrupled recently, and the guest slots from Ben Stiller and David Schwimmer are not only inspired, but revelatory.

Especially as neither of them come across as tossers.

For those of you poor guys who won’t be getting MoreFour, don’t panic. Terrestrial Ch4 this week are showing repeats of Do Fish Fart?

(Friday 9.55am), and there’s a video exclusive of the new Will Young video (Wednesday 11.05pm) Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha Rremember it’s only a week until the next TV desk, so there’s no need to be afriad, even though winter is sinking in.

Happy Viewing!!!!!!! Love TV Desk xxxxxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Little Piece of Shit Little Britain was funny for like, five minutes. So six hours and three jokes later, Season 2 finally hits the DVD racks on Monday 3rd.

The comedy talents of Matt Lucas and David Walliams, now household names despite not being funny any more. Some guys get all the luck.

From household names, to household dames (geddit?) the first, rather slow-paced but largely enjoyable series of Desperate Housewives also rears it’s ugly head this week. It’s already being repeated on Channel 4 at the moment so there isn’t any real need to buy it on DVD unless you want it in a nice shiny box and show off to your friends. Then they’ll disown you.

Films-wise, there’s knob all of any use this week, the Stand By Me meets Deliverance indie flick Mean Creek, starring Macauly Culkin, came out last week. You can buy all of these at a reasonable price from Silverscreen, in the St Davids Shopping Centre.

NOT

Being Boring If boring the tits off people was literal rather than metaphorical, TV John openly admits he has the ability to make any person flat absolutely chested when he’s in an inebriated state. Favourite topics include: why Modest Mouse are good, air, his job, roast chickens etc etc etc yawn.

Film I don’t know anything about this film whatsoever, but it stars Corbin Benson (who?) Ted McGinley (ditto) and Tim Matheson (etc) and it’s a cat and mouse cop chase thriller (aren’t they all). But whatever, it’s called Tails You Win, Heads You’re Dead (BBC1, Tuesday. 12.20pm) and that’s all that matters.

SPORT The Formula 1 season has been won by Fernando Alonso, so what’s the point of carrying on?

Well, the answer to that question, is that, at a cost of billions and trillions, we can watch the cars go round and round to see who wins the prize for best engine. Great.

See the qualifiers for this rubbish on Saturday and the race at Sunday (6am). Better set those alarms, kids.

RADIO RICHARD THOMPSON! Is there a sweeter pair of words in the English language? Unless you’re an avid listener of the ex Fairport Convential folk guitarist, and subsequent albums with his wife Linda and latter day solo albums, then don’t bother reader.

If, like me, you have a lot of time for Thompson, then Richard Thompson - Walking on a Wire (Radio 2 8.30) should be worth a dabble, especially as Linda herself submits some input, and he might do his incrtedibly poor cover of Oops!...I Did it Again by Britney Spears. In veritable Wainwright family style, Richard’s son Teddy is now a solo artist in his own right, so the legend set

by Beeswing and 1952 Vincent Black Lightning can continue.

Monday

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Oct 10 - Oct 16 2005

tvgareth@longingforsomemeat.co.uk

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 20.00 Trauma TV desk’s first outing of the year was a trip to The Fun Factory. By the look on TV John’s face, I don’t think “fun” was part of the equation.

I’ve seen happier dead people.

We were not amused. I’d much rather go and play Trivial Pursuit in the pub.

20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Nighty Night 23.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days This week I choked for several minutes in front of a large group of people. I’m glad they found it funny, the fuckers.

24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Spendaholics 01.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.25 Nighty Night 02.55 Honey We're Killing the Kids 03.55 Close

19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth I have now been in the Gair Rhydd office since half-past two this afternoon. It is now 9.50pm. I have a little nobble at the top of my back from leaning over the computer too long. If I stay any longer it may develop into a fullyfleged hunchback. I am still “writing” the same page I started all those hours ago. If they offered degrees in “fannying around”, I would get a first.

20.00 The World 20.30 Bookered Out 2005 21.00 Evacuees 22.00 Film: "Genevieve" 23.25 Kelvin McKenzie Talks to Kirsty Wark 23.55 The Evacuees 24.55 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 01.55 Bookered Out 2005 02.25 Kelvin McKenzie Talks to Kirsty Wark A frank and honest interview from the shy and retiring Blazin’ Squad star. Sorry, I’m just trying to fill space. I have no idea who Kelvin McKenkzie is.

He’s obviously someone important, that I’m too much of a pleb to know of.

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush With Fame 3.00 Trading Treasures 3.30 Pocoyo 3.35 Engie Benjy 3.50 Art Attack Mini Makes 4.00 Tricky TV 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Vincent Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey, look out on a summer’s day...

10.30 ITV News 11.00 On the Edge 11.30 Real Life: Me and My Face...don’t actually like each other. I can’t control my face, so I can’t help the bosseyes. Please don’t laugh at me if you see me around. 0.30 Champions League Weekly 0.55 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.55 60 Minute Makeover 2.45 Love 2 Shop 3.10 Love2 Shop 3.35 Redcoats 4.05 Entertainment Now! 4.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News TV Gareth once rode in a car with Pete Doherty. Pah! I once served petrol to Roy Wood of Wizard fame. Oh, and I met Marti Pellow in a knitwear shop. TV John claimed to have met Marlon Brando in Daquiris. Ex-TV Manners (god rest his soul) believed him. For those of you who are new to this wonderful section, we used to have twice as many editors. One by one they have flown the nest. Now there are only three.Bugger.

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City 8.00 Airline 8.30 Airline 9.00 Charlotte Church Confessions of a Teen Angel I love my degree. Where else would I be told to watch this documentary as homework?

10.00 Hell's Kitchen USA 11.00 Office Monkey 11.30 Coronation Street 0.30 FILM: Highlander TV desk’s favourite scottish people: TV John: Hamish Macbeth TV Gareth: Aiden Moffat Moi: Lorainne Kelly. 2.35 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Highlights 3.30 Champions League Weekly. 3.55 Shakedown 4.40 Teleshopping 5.40 ITV2 Nightscreen

The gadget show Ch5 19:15pm

5:50 Making It: Conrad Sculpts A Dog 5:55 Inuk: Iceberg Alley 6:10 The Hoobs: Seasons 6:35 The Hoobs: Bees 7:00 B4 7:30am Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me: The Walk 8:30am Will & Grace 8:55 Frasier 9:25 Water Stories 9:30 The Market 9:55am The Theory Of Everything: Einstein's Dream 10:45 Engineering At The Cutting Edge: 21st Century Structures 11:10 Last Rights 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 3 Minute Wonder: Putting Down Roots 1:05 The Sheriff Of Fractured Jaw3:00 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:00 Come Dine With Me 4:30 A Place In Greece: Year 2 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00Channel 4 News 7:55 More4 Preview Those of you that can’t afford freeview/sky/ntl will have to make do with watching this with longing eyes. Ha. 8:00 Monarchy By David Starkey 9:00 Wife Swap 10:00 Without A Trace 11:00 Whatever Happened To The Gender Benders? 12:00 Top Ten TV: Camp Pop 1:30 The Sex Inspectors 2:15am Perfect Match New York 3:00am Extraordinary Families 4:00 Famous People 2 4:15am All Change 4:35 Victorian Scots I thought this said “scouts”, and was about to write a letter to C4 demanding that they remove this dreadful historical error.4:50 Handmade 2 4:55 What's So Good About Malorie Blackman She swallows.5:10 Rosen's Poetry Attic: Sound Effects 5:20 Animated Tales Of The World 1 5:35 Extra 3: En Francais - Fou De Foot 6:00

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Westlife 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want Brie 11:00am Whatever... You Want Toast 12:00pm Nothing But 2004: Number 1's 1:00pm Hijacked By Jenny Frost 2:00pm The O.C.: The Rager 3:00pmWithout A Trace: Lost And Found 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The O.C.: The Rager 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00pm Wife Swap: The Aftermath 10:30pm Jeepers Creepers &Nbsppremiere 12:20am Hollyoaks Let Loose 1:20am Teachers Hope this is the first series.2:25am Wife Swap: The Aftermath 2:55am The Next Joe Millionaire 3:40am Without A Trace: Lost And Found 4:25am Switched 4:45am Switched Me and Kelly Osbourne. No-one will ever notice. 5:05 The Next Joe Millionaire

06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.55 Barney 09.20 Funky Valley: Merthyr Tydfill. When I went there on a night out a big fat troll got her tits out in front of me. The flashbacks keep me awake at night. It’s not nice.

09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "To Love, Honour and Deceive" 15.30 Film: "Columbo Goes to College"...and gets beaten up by a big gang of jocks for looking like a big gay in his trenchcoat. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.10 Mad For Poetry 19.15 The Gadget Show 20.00 Fifth Gear 21.00 Hidden Lives: Super Size She 22.00 Age Swap This documentary features Peter Andre dressing up as a 70year old vicar and Julie Goodyear posing as a young punk. Watching this will be fifty squillion times more fun than the Fun factory.

23.05 Shock Docs: Murder Hotel Cromwell St. 24.05 Peter Benchley's Amazon Apparently this guy goes round trying to make friends with tribes. He can’t make friends with normal people. 24.50 NFL Sunday Night Game of the Week 01.50 NFL Monday Night American Football 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

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7:00 CBBC: Trollz 7:25 Serious Jungle 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Come Outside 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 Trade Secrets I spent the entire afternoon prepping the TV pages only to find that TV Gareth had already done them, the big swot. Now feeling empty and pointless, grrr. I was so happy earlier.

10:30 Look and Read 10:50 Look and Read 11:10 Postcards from Kenya 11:20 English Express 11:40 English Express 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 The Maths Channel 1:10 The Maths Channel 3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651 3282306647 0938446095 5058223172 5359408128...

1:20 The Maths Channel ...4811174502 8410270193 8521105559 6446229489 5493038196 4428810975 6659334461 2847564823 3786783165 2712019091 1:30 Snooker Grand Prix 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Snooker Grand Prix 7:00 The Battle for Britain's Soul 8:00 Map Man 8:30 University Challenge 9:00 Israel and the Arabs: Elusive Peace Give them lemon fanta. I feel so calm now after sipping on a can.

10:00 Booker Prize 2005 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Snooker Grand Prix 12:20 Snooker Grand Prix Extra 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Suenos World Spanish Bailamos! let the rhythm take you over bailamos!

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6:00am: Breakfast Hey hey, Grace here. I’d just like to apologise for last weeks godawful TV listings.We just couldn’t be arsed. I can’t even bring myself to read them. 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:30 Bargain Hunt 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz 4:05 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:30 The Crust 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Star Spell 7:30 Inside Out 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 War at the Door 9:00 Waking the Dead...easier than waking TV Grace. I was late for my first lecture of the year this week. After two years I still haven’t made it to a lecture on time. What will happen when I enter the “real” world?

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Jack Dee Live at the Apollo 11:20 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 11:50 FILM: Swing Shift 1:35am: Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2:25 Sign Zone: Rogue Traders 2:55 Sign Zone: The Queen's Cavalry 101 corgies3:25 Sign Zone: Holidays at Home 3:55 Sign Zone: The Truth about Killer Dinosaurs They kill.4:55 Joins BBC News 24.

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06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm

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19.00 Sounds of the Sixties 19.10 Great Railway Journeys 20.00 The World 20.30 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 21.00 The Bad Food Guide 22.00 Play It Again 22.30 The Name's the Same 23.00 The Brains Trust 23.45 Searle's Progress 24.45 The Bad Food Guide 01.45 Play It Again 02.15 The Name's the Same 02.45 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 03.15 The Bad Food Guide 04.15 CloseTimes they are a changing at TV Desk and following an Eight Mile style meeting on Monday you should soon be reading the witticisms and inanities of BRAND SPANKING NEW TV editors. This should mean no more horiffic events like the production of last week’s TV pages. We here at TV desk pride ourselves on our lack of journalistic ability, but last week things were so bad that we were barely able to make swearing funny. I apologise. I didn’t even make any jokes about incurable diseases, and this means that freshers wont have experienced the heights of my hilarity yet. I never thought things could be this bad.

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show My rather kind lecture timetable this year means I am able to enjoy morning television four out of five days a week this year and this means I can enjoy the sheer self righteous smugness of Mr. Kyle whilst downloading music (i.e. not porn) without leaving my bed. 1.30 Holiday Airline 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City. The Doorman Always Rings Twice 8.00 Staff from Hell 9.00 Jack Osbourne Adrenaline Junkie 10.00 FILM: Highlander 0.20 The Frank Skinner Show I always preferred Baddiel and Franky having his stupid mop of hair has only reinforced this. Long hair is for gays. 1.20 3rd Rock from the Sun 1.45 Spin City. The Doorman Always Rings Twice 2.10 The Ricki Lake Show 2.50 Teleshopping 4.50 ITV2 Nightscreen.

6:00am Cubeez: Transport And Speed 6:10am The Hoobs: Fix It 6:35am The Hoobs: Homes 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will & Grace 8:55am Frasier: Shrink Rap 9:25am Water Stories 9:30am The Market 9:55am The Theory Of Everything: Elegant Universe 10:45am Engineering At The Cutting Edge: Body Parts 11:10am Last Rights 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Coach Trip 1:00pm House Auction 1:25pm The Man With The Gun 3:00pm A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:00pm Come Dine With Me 4:30pm A Place In Greece: Year 2 5:00pm Richard & Judy I’m not enjoying Neighbours as much at the moment so rather than watching it twice a day I’m putting my faith in Smug Dick and his alcoholic wife.

Better than Paul O’Fucking Grady.

6:00pm The Simpsons: Rosebud 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm Property Ladder 9:00pm The Unteachables 10:00pm The Closer 10:55pm Whatever Happened To The Minipops?

12:00am Top Ten Years: 1981 1:35am Cannonball Run 3:30am The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 3:55am The Fishmonger 4:00am Animated Tales Of The World 1: Timoon & The Narwhal Narwhal 4:15am We Are From Greece 4:25am Making It 4:30am Science In Focus Special 4:50am Express Yourself 5:05am Water, Moon, Candle, Tree And Sword: Tree 5:20am Animated Tales Of The World 1: Podna And Podni, Pakistan 5:35am Extra 1: En Espanol - Sam Busca Un Trajajo 6:00am Close

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With The Prodigy 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Nothing But 2003: Number 1's 1:00pm Hijacked

By Bow Wow That’ll be June Sarpong then. 2:00pm The O.C 3:00pm Without A Trace: Bait 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The O.C. 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Lost 10:00pm Six Feet Under 11:05pm Porn: A Family Business 11:45pm The Sex Inspectors 12:30am 8 Out Of 10 Cats 1:00am Without A Trace 1:55am Six Feet Under: Ecotone 2:50am Porn: A Family Business 3:20am The Sex Inspectors 4:05am 8 Out Of 10 Cats 4:30am Without A Trace: Bait 5:10am Switched 5:30am Switched Last week I was abused by fellow TVers for leaving space at the bottom of pages. See what I’ve done here?

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06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky B This is what we need on television, more programs with stupidly long titles to make my job just that little bit easier. 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.35 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "A Cooler Climate 15.30 Film: "A Piano For Mrs Cimino" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.10 Mad For Poetry 19.15 Tim Marlow on The British Art Show 20.00 The Search for King Midas's Tomb: The True Story 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI:NY 23.00 Law and Order 23.55 Fifth Gear 24.55 The Dead Zone Featuring every single person who went to Fun Factory on Monday if I have my way, including myself as punishment for my wishful thinking. 01.35 Golazo Football Show 02.25 USPGA Golf 03.20 FIM World Motocross Championship 04.05 NASCAR Busch Series 04.55 US Major League Soccer One of my favourite things is when my good friends and housemates Neil and Alex get chips on the way home after getting drunk and when questioned if they want sauce ask the proprietor to “make it look like an abortion in a box”.

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6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush With Fame. 3.00 Trading Treasures 3.30 Pocoyo.

Pocoyo Dance 3.35 SpongeBob SquarePants Don’t pretend to like this to be all cool and alternative, it’s shit. 3.50 MOM's Name That Tone 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Your Century 8.00 Real Families: My Mums Used To Be Men Yeah that’s right, some kids who live with two mums, both of which used to be men.

9.00 The Daily Mirror's Pride of Britain Awards 2005 This’ll probably have a load of Lollipop ladies and kids whose parents are dead and stuff. And almost definitely it’ll involve Carol Vorderman and Trevor MacDonald.

10.30 ITV News 11.00 Love Child 0.00 FILM: Giant 3.20 Kinky Boots: The Premiere The story of Georgi Kinkladze’s missing, enchanted football boots.

Remember THAT goal against Southampton? Wow. 3.45 Mixmasters 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News I retract the comments I made last week with regards to ‘wolf boy’. They were not true, I was foolish, I am ‘shark boy’. Although, I actually am so there’s no need for inverted commas.

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Stars in Fast Cars 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Twisted Tales 24.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.00 MPs' Outtakes 01.30 Nighty Night 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.00 Twisted Tales 03.30 MPs' Outtakes 04.00 Close Yo bitches and homies, TV G man here. That’s TV Gareth to those of you who aren’t well and truly down with the kids. I’m so down with the kids that the police have taken away my collection of Disney films. But enough of this Gangsta hoo-ha, I am here to entertain and bring to you information. First off, this week’s TV Desk is sponsored by ‘Not Fun Factory’, because it is well and truly shit. Not least due to the fact that people actually go to it now and that i saw no less than three Kasabian tees on Monday.

6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Trollz 7:25 Serious Arctic 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Come Outside 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 Trade Secrets 10:30 See You, See Me: Citizenship 10:50 Primary Geography: Rivers of the World 11:10 The Chariot Queen: A Meet the Ancestors Special 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Wildlife On Two 1:00 What? Where? When?

Why? Toys - Hoops a Daisy 1:15 What? Where? When?

Why? Toys - Gangway! I like TV programs which sound like they should be math/post rock song titles. 1:30 Snooker Grand Prix There’s a lot of snooker on at the moment, which is good because it means there’s always something on TV for ‘background viewing’, but is bad because it means there are four hour long TV programs and I may have to resort to making observations on TV. 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Snooker Grand Prix 7:00 People's War 7:30 How to Watch Wildlife 8:00 Mastermind 8:30 What the Ancients Did for Us If, and of course this is purely hypothetical, heaven existed do you think that the oldest people there would complain that it’s not like the old days?

9:00 Beyond Boundaries 10:00 Supernova 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Snooker Grand Prix 12:20am: Snooker Grand Prix Extra 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Geography in Animation 4:00 The Geography Programme

The Dead Zone five 12.55am

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:30 Bargain Hunt 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz. Troll Fast, Troll Furious 4:05 Best of Friends 4:30 The Crust 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours Susan makes the decision to tell Karl of Izzy’s lie.

Toadie’s own suspicions of Izzy grow. Serena and Conor continue to fight it out in the bikini shop. Janelle decides to write a memoir. You know i would never mess you around when it comes to Neighbours, don’t you fair reader?

6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Star Spell 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City 9:00 Love Soup We all know what that’s a metaphor for don’t we kids?

Oh yes we do.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Drama Connections 11:05 Medium 11:50 FILM: Tails You Live, Heads You're Dead 1:20am: Sign Zone: See Hear If i was deaf i would not be staying up this late to watch TV, i’d be too busy being depressed and crying myself to sleep or losing my balance or something.

2:05 Sign Zone: Bring Your Husband to Heel 2:35 Sign Zone: No Waste Like Home 3:05 Sign Zone: Ray Mears' Bushcraft 4:05 Joins BBC News 24.

We Are From Greece C4 4.15am

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Love Soup BBC1 9pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Stars in Fast Cars My Arse 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Trauma Uncut 21.30 Trauma Uncut 22.00 Film: The Peacemaker Ridiculous tripe with, I believe, George Clooney and Nicole Kidman, both of whom can get stuffed.

24.00 Gypsy Wars 24.55 Spendaholics This week: 01.55 Trauma Uncut 02.25 Trauma Uncut 02.50 Gypsy Wars Marigold Heathern Child vs Anthony of the Wyvern Meadows, at the Wintonian Rose Garden.

Swampy and Spider from Coronation Street commentate 03.50 Close Awesome, putting every program on a different line gives me significantly less to write. Currently the office stereo is playing Have You Forgotten by the Red House Painters, and my head feels like it’s been kicked in by Didier Deschamps. He’s a footballer, girls. Joke!

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Roland And Zammo 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Nothing But 2002 Number 1's 2002’s number 1’s include A Little Less Conversation by Elvis Presley and Hero by Enrique Iglesias, so excuse me if I’m not glued to the screen.1:00pm Hijacked By Rachel Stevens 2:00pm The O.C.: The Return Of The Nana 3:00pm Without A Trace: Kam Li 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm The O.C.: The Return Of The Nana 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm Desperate Housewives 9:55pm Wife Swap 11:00pm Lost: Whatever The Case May Be 12:00am Point Pleasant 1:00am Shameless 2:00am Wife Swap 3:00am Switched

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.30 Holiday Airline 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City 8.00 Nanny 911 8.50 Movies Now. 9.00 Girls Aloud: Home Truths Cheryl Tweedy likes to iron her pants whilst she’s wearing them. The other four whose surnames nobody knows all like to watch aforementioned minge-singeing.

All true. 10.00 Coronation Street. 10.30 Mike Bassett: Manager 11.00 Office Monkey This week it’s probably me due to my appaling lack of shaving and Insomia-riddled Robert Smith face. Wow. 11.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 0.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 0.30 Spin City 1.00 Big Game TV 3.00 Teleshopping 5.00 ITV2 Nightscreen

06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.35 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: Hard to Forget The Linford Christie honeymoon story.

15.30 Film: Perry Mason: The Case of the Telltale Talk Show Host 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.10 Mad For Poetry 19.15 Rattlesnake! Now that’s worthy of an exclamation.

20.00 Film: Ghost Hopeless Patrick Swayze drivel.

22.25 Britain's Favourite Love Songs What’s the gair rhydd offices favourite love songs? TV Sport: Chris De Burgh - Lady in Red, “Flower

by Liz Phair” offers TV Gareth. TV Will: Slow Jamz

by Kanye West and Twista.

“2 Become 1 by the Spice Girls” sighs a nostalgic TV Grace. I’ll settle for Stabbed in the Face by Wolf Eyes. No girl could resist.

23.55 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 24.25 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 24.50 The Gadget Show 01.35 2005 X Games Sequel to the X Files, where Mulder and Scully play Kerplunk. 02.25 Motor Racing: The Grand American Series 03.15 Race and Rally UK 03.40 Argentinian Football

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19.00 Chopin Preludes 19.05 People's Century 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister 21.00 Eric Clapton: The Rock 'n' Roll Years 21.30 Cream at the Royal Albert Hall 2005 23.00 Eric Clapton: Searching for Robert Johnson “I wish he hadn’t bothered” Johnson 24.00 Omnibus 24.50 Eric Clapton: The Rock 'n' Roll Years 01.20 BBC Four Sessions 02.20 Loudon Wainwright III at the BBC Currently famous for being his son’s dad and his daughter’s dad and his wife’s husband, legendary talented semen distributor Loudon Wainwright is also a bit of a singer-songwriter who writes witty songs about lesbians and being lonely in motel rooms. He is also a genius. Nobody in their right minds is going to be up at 2.20am with the intention of watching this, but then you have to wonder whether Loudon even has a right mind so he probably won’t care. 03.20 Eric Clapton: The Rock 'n' Roll Years Preposturously overrated balladeering fretwanking imbecile.

6:00am Cubeez: Round And About 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs: Hair 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me: College Or Collagen 8:25am Will & Grace: There, But For The Grace Of Grace. Grace Grace Grace Grace.

8:55am Frasier 9:25am Water Stories 9:30am The Market 9:55am A-Z Of Your Head N is for Narcoleptic Wanker 10:45am Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:10am Last Rights 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Coach Trip Burt Lancaster drops a tab.

1:00pm To Hell And Back 3:00pm A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:00pm Come Dine With Me 4:30pm A Place In Greece: Year 2 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Great Buildings 8:00pm How Clean Is Your House?

8:30pm You Are What You Eat 9:00pm Supernanny 10:00pm Lost: All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues And all the best Daddys have cowboy issues.

11:05pm Will Young: Video Exclusive 11:10pm Whatever Happened To The Wild Child? Didn’t he die shortly before Renegade Master became a hit for the first time?

Or have I got my mid-nineties dance hits wrong?

12:00am Top Ten Years: 1980 1:35am Motörhead: Live Fast, Die Old 2:40am Freesports On 4: Globe World Cup 3:10am Thunder Racing At The Rock 3:35am Transworld Sport

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12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush With Fame.

Manchester True story: I was once walking down the bottom floor of the union where Threshers now is when Ian Brown of Stone Roses fame overtook me wearing an oversized comouflage puffa jacket.

And did he hold the door open?

Did he fuck.3.00 Trading Treasures 3.30 Pocoyo. 3.40 Tractor Tom. The New Vehicle 3.55 Potatoes and Dragons.

Loch Ness Mess Nessie trumps out her lunch. God I’m so purile.

4.05 Art Attack 4.30 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 FILM: Runaway Bride 10.30 ITV News 11.00 FILM: Runaway Bride Not to be confused with The Corpse Bride, which has significantly more life in it than this Richard Gere nonsese. He’s not gay, you know.

11.40 The Guest List 0.10 The Jules and Lulu Show 0.40 cd:uk Hotshots 1.05 Tickled Pink I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less than put my hands near that grubby good-for-nothing “celebrity: Anyone else remember the NME article by Steven Wells which claimed that Pink was the new Madonna. No, just me then.

2.20 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Replayed 4.35 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

Coach Trip BBC2 8pm

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7:00 CBBC: Trollz 7:25 Serious Arctic Not to be confused with Arctic Monkeys, who are a disgracefully poor indieindie wank band who sound like McFly, and under no circumstances be used in a serious context.

7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends Deputy Editor Will Dean and David Starkey. “When I put down the phone, I just knew I had a buddy for life” - Starkey.

Also, TV Gareth and Pete Doherty. “When he gave me that lift on the way to the venue that time on that rare occasion when I was fucked, I knew I’d made a buddy for life” - Doherty.

8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Come Outside TV John vs Alison Freaking Goldfrapp 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 FILM: Master Spy A film about a master spy. 11:30 The Daily Politics Politics 1:00: Wildlife on Two Some wildlife on this channel, BBC2 1:30 Working Lunch Lunch, but working as well. 2:00 Snooker Grand Prix Pricks playing snooker 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Snooker Grand Prix 7:00 The Good Life 7:30 How to Rescue a House 8:00 Rick Stein's French Odyssey 9:00 The Hurricane That Shook America Alex Higgins tries his hand a pnematic road drill.

10:00 Room 101 Sheila Hancock, who is married to John Thaw’s corpse, and as far as I can recall, isn’t funny, apparently chooses herself. BORING. 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Snooker Grand Prix 12:20am: Snooker Grand Prix Extra 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Geography - World Physical 4:00 History: Class

The Peacemaker BBC3 10pm

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:30 Bargain Hunt 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz. The Great Race 4:05 Best of Friends 4:30 The Crust 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Star Spell Alright - ST-A-R 7:30 Match of the Day Live: England v Poland Let’s all go and loot the nearest Polish restaurant when England lose, guys.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 The Worst Week of My Life That would be the week after Christmas in the year 2000, where I got food poisoning, then got unceremoniously ditched by my bitch girlfriend and then successfully ruined New Years Eve in Jo’s garage by being sick everywhere and sobbing like an idiot to Jeff Buckley at the stroke of midnight. Beat that.

11:10 Men Behaving Badly 11:40 FILM: Protocol 1:10am: Match of the Day 2:55 Sign Zone: Horizon 3:45 Sign Zone: A Year at Kew Song of the week: R Kelly: Trapped in the Closet

A Brush With Fame ITV1 1 2 a m

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06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm ???

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19.00 Evacuees 20.00 The World 20.30 Mind Games Just like the Olympics but lazy couch potatoes have an equal chance of winning while holding yesterdays half eaten kebab in their left hand and keeping the other warm inside their heavily soild underpants. 21.00 Tales from the Palaces 21.30 A Very English Village 22.20 Sounds of the Sixties 22.30 People like Us Should be shot on site, or at least banned from reproducing.

23.00 QI Evidently employing that dyslexic work experience kid payed dividends for the BBC programme naming department.

23.30 Arrested Development 23.55 Evacuees 24.55 Tales from the Palaces 01.25 A Very English Village 02.15 Mind Games 02.45 Tales from the Palaces Upper class toffs recount hysterical events of how daddy once mistook brie for camembert. 03.15 A Very English Village 04.05 Close In Victorian times it was considered to be undignified for a man to lose his virginity to a woman.

I always said those upperclass snobs were a funny breed - must be the donkey genes they carry.

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show.

1.30 Holiday Airline. The biggest thrill in flying is having your seat belt done up by the airline hostess. Just remember on those short hops to European capitals that you have to walk off the plane. 2.00 Coronation Street. 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. That’s the Earth in case you’re wondering. On the theme of aliens, my housemate is remarkably like Harry. 7.30 Spin City. My Dinner with Caitlin 8.00 Real Families: My Mums Used To Be Men So they’re shite at cooking and house work. Could be a lot worse, your mum could be Menon.9.00 FILM: City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold 11.15 Hell's Kitchen USA. 0.15 3rd Rock from the Sun. Moby Dick 0.40 Spin City. My Dinner with Caitlin 1.10 Big Game TV. 3.00 Teleshopping.

5.00 ITV2 Nightscreen.

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Alex Parks Panic; pray you performed well; make her promise not to tell her friends; run home doing your trousers up as you go. 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Nothing But 2001: Number 1's 1:00 Hijacked By Rob Schneider 2:00 The O.C.: The Showdown 3:00 Faking It Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With Rachel's Kisses 5:30 Friends: The One With The Vows 6:00 The O.C.: The Showdown 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With Rachel's Kisses 8:30 Friends: The One With The Vows 9:00 One Tree Hill: The Hero Dies In This One 10:00 The Simple Life: Interns 10:30 Massive Balls Of Steel 11:00 Sugar Rush 11:35 Sugar Rush 12:05 Queer As Folk 1:10 One Tree Hill: The Hero Dies In This One 2:05 The Simple Life: Interns 2:30 Queer As Folk 3:20 Sugar Rush 3:45 Sugar Rush 4:10 Faking It Usa 5:10 Switched 5:30am Switched

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06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.35 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "Nashville Grab" 15.30 Film: "Ground Control" 17.30 five news and sport 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.10 Mad For Poetry 19.15 The Abyssal Giant: Great Ocean Adventure 20.00 The Woman with the 14-stone Tumour Bloody Hell, that’s nearly as heavy as me!

That’ll teach her to do the whole praying mantis thing and eating the man during copulation. I draw the line at mastication and autoerotic asphixiation. Biting someones head off is just perverted.20.30 The Woman Swamped by Her Own Skin 21.00 The Hotel Inspector 22.00 House 23.00 Super Size She 24.00 John Barnes' Football Night 24.40 Dutch Football 02.10 Portuguese Football 03.40 Argentinian Football 05.10 Argentinian Football Highlights Football is probably one of the most dull sports ever televised. Even indoor bowls has more excitment in it. If it was up to me, footballers would have to play in swamps with snakes and alligators and all sorts of other nasty creatures. And another thing, they’d all be ritualisticly shaved and waxed so that none of them have ponsy haircuts.

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5:45am The Story Of Arion And The Dolphin 6:10 The Hoobs: Clapping 6:35 The Hoobs: Smells 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends: The One Where Old Yeller Dies 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Nina's Bikini 8:25 Will & Grace: My Best Friend's Tush 8:55 Frasier: Leapin' Lizards 9:25 Water Stories 9:30 The Market 9:55 The Hustlers: Suffering For Her Art 10:20 Tricky Business 10:45 Engineering At The Cutting Edge: Sports Performance 11:10 Trouble Online: Cashing In On Clubbing 11:35 The Hustlers: On The Rocks 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip Manners takes all his little history brats on a trip to stonehenge, in the ensuing chaos 2 girls start a TaTu style lesbian sex romp, the boys start a 5-a-side match with the stones for goal posts and a computer geek dies from a glue sniffing overdose 1:00 Fame Is The Spur 3:00 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:00 Come Dine With Me 4:30 A Place In Greece: Year 2 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Marge On The Lam 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: Great Buildings 8:00 Risking It All Revisited 9:00 UFOs: The Secret Evidence One of my lecturers claims the moon landings were a hoax.

I agree. If they had landed on the moon they’d have found the secret alien lab where they grew my housemate. He’s definitely not from Bath and the guy with a paparazzi camera outside the house is freaking me out. 11:05 The Child Star Jinx 12:20am Top Ten Years: 1987 2:00 Bollywood Firsts: Paap 4:10 The Empire Pays Back 5:10 Matt's Old Masters: Titian: Flesh 6:10 Close

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6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women Otherwise known as freshers. I’d like to say I, in my old age have managed to pull a fresher, but after 4 years worth of freshers’ weeks nothing yet. 2.15 A Brush With Fame. This week: an interview with the brush Rolf Harris used to paint the Queen 3.00 Trading Treasures 3.30 Pocoyo. Umbrella Umbrella 3.35 Feodor. Ajax Gets Stuck 3.45 Blips. Waiter 4.00 All Grown Up! It's Karma, Dude Karma Sutra to be more precise, I recommend number 32, guaranteed to give you all the pleasure. Just remember to stretch your hamstrings before you start 4.30 The Giblet Boys.

5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather You’re in Wales, the forecast will be for rain, save your time and go and get sloshed in the Taf 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill 9.00 All About George. Zippy, Bungle and Geoffrey dish the dirt on the incestuous lesbian slut and that oh so famous Rainbow orgy. 10.00 Mike Bassett: Manager 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Wales This Week 11.30 Soccer Night 0.00 Never to be Forgotten: ITV Wales at 50. 0.30 Astounding Celebrities Surely ‘Asspounding Celebrities’ would be a more appealing title? 0.55 Sean Paul in Profile 1.20 Providence.

Guys and Dolls 2.00 Too Many Cooks 2.50 Cybernet 3.15 Motorsport UK 3.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three This is the only thing of note showing on BCC3, it’s all downhill from here. 19.30 Stars in Fast Cars 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids You say that like it’s a bad thing!

Surely having less annoying brats spewing, depriving you of sleep, nights out, quiet nights in, a social life and to add insult to injury they always always punch you in the crotch. Just think of how much fun life is till you have children. They should be grown on farms and delievered to you at 16 when they’re old enough to make money for themselves.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Spooks 23.30 Trauma Uncut 24.00 Trauma Uncut 24.30 Honey We're Killing the Kids 01.25 Spendaholics 02.25 Trauma Uncut 02.55 Trauma Uncut 03.25 Little Angels 03.55 Close but no cigar, come back when you have a descent programming schedule. Who on earth watches BBC3, or for that matter reads the BBC3 listings. If you got this far I have on thing to say to you: “GO GET A LIFE! YOU SAD, TOEJAM SUCKING AMOEBA”

6:00am Close 7:00 CBBC: Trollz 7:25 Serious Arctic 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends ... until she says you’re fat or ugly or that your clothes from Peacocks aren’t good enough any more. It’ll all be tears then.

8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! Ah!, you scared me 9:25 Come Outside 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 Trade Secrets 10:30 Watch 10:45 Something Special 11:00 The Chronicles of Narnia 11:15 Numbertime 11:30 Watch 11:45 Watch 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Snooker Grand Prix 5:15 Weakest Link My housemate once went on the Weakest Link...he said they wheeled Anne Robinson on in a similar way to Hanibal Lector 6:00 Snooker Grand Prix Snooker is dull, lets be honest here. If it wasn’t for Big Break no one would like snooker. To make it more exciting they’ve employed Murray Walker to commentate as snooker players attempt to get a 147 break as the table goes round a track at 147mph 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 A Year at Kew 8:30 Around the World in 80 Treasures 9:00 Horizon 9:50 Underground Britain 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Snooker Grand Prix 12:20am Snooker Grand Prix Extra 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Geography Why is it that all sports teachers always teach geography on the side? 4:00 Scottish Programmes A cross between Taggart and Rab C. Nesbitt with Ali McCoist in the lead role

My Mums Used To Be Men ITV2 8pm

Your Union

6:00am Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:30 Bargain Hunt 12:15pm Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz. Into the Woodz 4:05 Best of Friends 4:30 The Crust 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards In an attempt to further baffle little children, Huw “the Legend” Edwards has taken on the role of educating those little sproggs in all things newsy. I can see little Jimmy now, asking his mum why the man is talking in a funny language. Bet he never though that he’d get that far working on gair rhydd.

5:35 Neighbours Gooders kills Twig with Sambuca.

6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Star Spell 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Rogue Traders 8:30 The Queen's Cavalry 9:00 Spooks Tense opening scene, save the world, catch the terrorist, end credits. Pretty much sums it up.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week 12:20am FILM: Rubdown If this was on Channel 5 if would probably be worth watching whilst reminiscing about being single for yet another year. But as it is it’s BBC1 so it’ll probably be pseudointellectual crap 1:55 Sign Zone: Panorama 2:35 Sign Zone: Holidays at Home 3:05 Sign Zone: The Truth about Killer Dinosaurs 4:05 Sign Zone: Sea Monsters 4:35 Joins BBC News 24.

Massive Balls of Steel C4 10.30pm

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Rubdown BBC1 12:20am

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06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm

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06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.35 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: Danielle Steel's Full Circle 15.25 Film: Harvest of Fire 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.25 Mad For Poetry “Like a wounded child on glass I wail, I’m false, yearning out psychosis daydreams. But wait! This farcical nightmare that Bush and Blair have foisted.

Again I wail, wail wail. Fuck You America” - A student poet, yesterday.

19.30 Great British Commanders 20.00 Stargate Atlantis THIS IS THE MOST BORING TELEVISION PROGRAM EVER IT CANNOT BE CONTESTED 21.00 Michael Jackson's Mind Oh what’s this, another program about how Michael Jackson’s a bit wacky. 10/10 for originality, guys.

22.00 Swinging 22.30 Swinging Special: Patty Edwards, Sex Therapist 23.00 My Secret Body 23.30 Hot Tub Ranking Still on TV, still awesome.

24.10 Top Buzzer 24.35 Film: Knock Off 02.00 Film: The Crow: City of Angels Goth favourite The Crow gets a dodgy sequal.

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.30 Holiday Airline 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun Elvis Costello had a role in the final season of Third Rock From The Sun. True story. 7.30 Spin City 8.00 ITV at the Movies 8.30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas I love that boy band called Brothers who have the two black soulful dudes and the historically ugly brothers (twins?) who look like Peter Andre being mown down by a Vauxhall.

Speaking of which...

9.30 Jordan and Peter: Marriage and Mayhem Peter gets mown down by a Vauxhall.

10.30 The Frank Skinner Show 11.30 Coronation Street 0.00 Girls Aloud: Home osexual fan-base.

1.00 Big Game TV 3.00 Teleshopping 5.00 ITV2 Nightscreen.

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19.00 Tales from the Palaces 19.30 The Michelangelo Exhibition 20.00 The World 20.30 Sounds of the Sixties With Geri Haliwell, who turned 63 this year and Kavana, who is celebrating his silver wedding anniversary in September.

21.00 Tammy Wynette: 'Til I Can Make it on my Own 22.00 Sounds for Saturday: The Mahavishnu Orchestra Better stay up for this one, dudes.

Once in a lifetime opportunity, etc. I mean, if this is the sound of Saturday, then I’d like to hear BBC4’s idea of a Sunday Morning record.

22.30 QI 23.00 The Thick of It 23.30 Heimat - 3 01.40 Tammy Wynette: 'Til I Can Make it on my Own Isn’t she dead?

02.40 The Thick of It 03.10 Tales from the Palaces A brief history of the various music projects of Will Oldham.

Is that the most muso joke ever?

03.40 The Michelangelo Exhibition 04.10 Close Oh yeah, come and write for TV desk you lazy tax-dodgers.

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me: The Kiss 8:25am Will & Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am Erm 9:30am Ah 9:55am Do Fish Fart? I’m so glad they’re showing this again.

10:20am The Hustlers 10:45am Engineering At The Cutting Edge: Thrill Of The Ride 11:10am Tricky Business 11:35am Trouble Online: Message Received 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Coach Trip 1:00pm 3 Minute Wonder: Mish Kids 1:05pm Jassy 3:00pm A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:00pm Come Dine With Me 4:30pm A Place In Greece: Year 2 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons: Bart's Inner Child 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:35pm Friends 8:00pm Scrubs 8:30pm Will & Grace 9:00pm The Simpsons 9:30pm Rock School I love The Emperor 10:00pm Spoons 10:30pm Green Day: Video Exclusive Erm how about no. The idea of watching a ten minute Green Day video with Billy Elliot and directed by the pretentious prat who’s directed the last four Green Day videos. Bloody hell.

10:40pm Dirty Tricks 11:35pm The Osbournes 12:00am Desperate Housewives 1:00am Desperate Housewives 2:00am Bollywood Firsts: Dance Of The Wind 3:30am Don't Kick Us Out 4:30am Do Over: Block Party 4:50am Do Over: Cold War

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A Mystery Most Puzzling 3.35 Pirates. Unlucky in Luck 3.50 Planet Sketch. 4.00 Disney's the Legend of Tarzan.

The Fugitives 4.30 The Worst Witch. The Enemy Within 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Airline 9.00 The Brief 10.30 ITV News 11.00 The Frank Skinner Show 0.00 Paparazzi Secrets No. 3 Actually, we’re not sycophantic vultures if you give us a chance 0.30 Kinky Boots: The Premiere This film sounds absolutely terrible, and the premiere is guaranteed to feature aging British actors.

0.55 Shoot the Writers! Alright!

And the actors!

1.20 Dragnet. 2.00 Entertainment Now! 2.25 ITV at Reading 2004 3.20 ITV at the Movies This week, ITV buys one of those greasy rotating sausages from “Cineworld” and eats it, urinating and reading the quotes from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly over the urinals. Next week, ITV kills itself by going to Vue and accidentally walking into Jumpin Jaks by mistake 3.45 cd:uk Hotshots 4.10 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.35 ITV Nightscreen

Just Shoot Me Ch4 8am

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7:00 CBBC: Trollz 7:25 Serious Arctic 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Come Outside 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 Trade Secrets 10:30 Primary History 10:50 Primary History 11:10 Primary Geography 11:20 Coming to England 11:40 BBC Primary History 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:30 Snooker Grand Prix 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Snooker Grand Prix 7:00 Little Europe 7:30 Tales from the Green Valley No. 3 - Chavs from Pontypool.

8:00 In the Footsteps of Churchill 8:30 Gardeners' World 9:00 The Gardeners of Eden: Growing Pains 10:00 QI 10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 Snooker Grand Prix 12:15am: Snooker Grand Prix Extra 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Hidden Visions. 2:30 Lifelines 3:00 Sickle Cell Disease - A Lethal Advantage Anyone who can offer a solution to what the advantages of a disease which causes your blood vessels to stick in your capillaries? Oh right, news desk have just offered a valid answer to this but It sounded too complicated.

3:30 Lost Worlds 4:00 Making Contact.

4:30 From Here to Modernity 5:00 Persisting Dreams I currently have a recurring dream in which I’m carrying plastic beads in a purple perspex box on my way home from working in a book shop, and then I fall asleep in the shower. Again, any offers on a translation of this please?

Shoot the Writers!

ITV1 1.55am

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 21.00 Doctor Who 21.45 Doctor Who Confidential 22.00 EastEnders22.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 23.00 Nighty Night 23.30 Little Britain 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Nighty Night Apparently this series of Nighty Night isn’t half as good as the last one. As is always the case. Although having said that, I bought season 1 of Everbody Loves Raymond the other day and it’s about as funny as having your teeth pulled out with dental floss.

01.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 02.55 Gypsy Wars 03.55 Close A brief tribute to Ronnie Barker, I think. No offence to Ronnie Corbett, but it’s clearly obvious which Ronnie was the talented one, it’s amazing how the minuture four eyed git rode his wave for so long.

Do Fish Fart?

Ch4 9.55pm

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9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:30 Bargain Hunt 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 3:05 Animal Park 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz. Dating Game 4:05 The New Scooby and Scrappy Show 4:30 The Basil Brush Show 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Star Spell.

7:30 Watchdog 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 The Green Green Grass Can everybody reading this right now please who think this sucks, shout “rubbish!” at the top of your lungs now .Hopefully we’ll deafen a few neighbours together.

9:00 Blessed Episode dedicated to the joyous bearded one beloved by all of TV Desk. Hopefully. check out the picture and cry with joy.

9:30 Have I Got News for You 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Which massively overhyped indie band is going to be the musical guests this week? 11:35 FILM: What's Love Got to Do with It? Biopic on the ridiculous yet tragic relationship between Tina Turner and her husband Ike. It turned out alright in the end, she became the queen of the power ballad in the eighties, so there’s hope for all of us in ridiculous yet tragic relationships yet. 1:30am: News 24.

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6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Gene Simmons 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Nothing But 2000: Number 1's 1:00pm Hijacked

By Starsailor 2:00pm The O.C.: The O Sea 3:00pm Faking It Usa 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The O.C. 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm Jeepers Creepers 10:50pm Spoons 11:20pm Massive Balls Of Steel 11:55pm Trigger Happy Usa 12:25am Trigger Happy Usa 12:50am Jeepers Creepers Executively produced by Francis Ford Coppola. True story.

2:35am Spoons 3:05am Massive Balls Of Steel 3:40am Trigger Happy Usa Faking It Usa 5:00am Switched 5:20am Switched

Hello, TV Loki here, unfortunately due to technichal difficulties, ie our G3 Macs being the most cunting annoying pieces of technology to be sold this side of the Iron Curtain we thought we’d leave you with TV Johns favourite all time S4C programmes.

6:00 Puppet Fun With Daniel Bedingfield and Leeroy 6.30 Crumpet 6.35 Crumpet 6.40 Crumpet 6.45 Crumpet 7:10 There Is a Farmhand In My Salad 9:30 The Crystal Maze on Ice (Repeat) 9:35 Chicken Bothering 11:50 Lice are Funny But My Breasts Ache 12:05 Film: Roy 12.10 Film: Roy 2 12:20 Film: Roy 3 - King Roy and the Basket People 15:35 Some Crap Welsh Thing 16:30 More Crap Welsh Things 17.20 Laxatives Make My Tongue Shrivel 18.00 Hypochondriac Spaniards on Ice (Repeat) 20.00 Jubber 20.30 Fucking Your Mum 21.30 Embarassed 22.00 Nosejob Critics 23.00 Lamp Sex 23.59 Film: Gripping Things With My Ass - The Movie 1:55am Top Ten - Who gives a fuck?

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19.00 Birdland: April in Paris 19.05 Nitro at the Opera 20.05 The ExtraordinaryEquiano 21.05 John Wyndham: The Invisible Man of Science Fiction 22.05 Film: "The Day of the Triffids" 23.40 George Orwell: A Life in Pictures 01.10 John Wyndham: The Invisible Man of Science Fiction 02.10 The Extraordinary Equiano 3.10Nitro at the Opera 04.10 Close Hey fellow TV-phile, wanna be like your TV hero, TV Gareth? Of course you do, so here are songs that have been rocking my block since i last spent a ridiculous amount of hours sat on a decreasingly uncomfortable computer chair: Nine Things Everybody Knows Q And Not U, Carload of Whatever - Les Mouches, Don’t Save Us From The Flames M83, I Want The Blindingly Cute To Confide In Me - Owls, You Are A Runner And I Am My Father’s Son - Wolf Parade, June Is Finally Here - Don Caballero and The Pussycat Dolls single, which is quite simply the best song released this year thus far. I say that without the slightest bit of sarcasm. Because i’m THAT cool.

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06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.30 Date My Daughter 15.20 Movies Now 15.30 Holiday Showdown 16.30 It's Good to Be... Beyonce 17.10 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 18.10 Nanny 911 19.00 To be announce 19.40 Holiday Airport: Sydney 20.40 The Planet's Funniest Animals 21.10 The Xtra Factor 21.55 Jack Osbourne - Adrenaline Junkie 22.55 Film: "The Krays" 01.20 The X Factor 02.50 The X Factor Results 03.20 Emmerdale Omnibus 05.50 ITV2 Nightscreen Hey Timothy, I wish for clairvoyance. I want to see my wife and kids and how I would live and I would die. It's out of fright & self-absorption.

I want to learn from my mistakes. Before they can scare me away from the drugs I picture a man who lives with his father.

He never learned to cook for himself and spends all his time on his waistline. I picture a man who can't make his mind up He keeps a book of photographs of his younger self, clairvoyant self.

Dragon Booster five 10.05am

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6:15am The Hoobs: Rain 6:40am The Hoobs: Wobble 7:05am British Formula 3 Championship 7:30am British Superbikes 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am T4 T4: Futurama: Crimes Of The Hot 9:25am T4: Pure T4 9:55am T4: Friends 10:30am T4: Popworld 11:20am T4: Friends 11:50am T4: The Simple Life: Interns 12:20pm T4: Rock School 12:55pm T4: Totally Frank 1:30pm T4: Friends Then I said baby, we must slow down Before I bust a vessel in my brain And she said please no dont stop And I said I caught a cramp And she said please keep on goin I said my leg is about to crack Then she cries out Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax And I said cool Climax 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing From Newmarket And Huntingdon 3:55pm Grand Designs Revisited 4:55pm Grand Designs Revisited 6:00pm Morgan & Platell 6:30pm Channel 4 News 7:00pm Building Of The Year With Kevin Mccloud: Riba Stirling Prize 9:05pm Zoolander 10:40pm Kate Bush: Video Exclusive 10:45pm Spoons 11:20pm Spoons 11:50pm Spoons 12:20am 3 Minute Wonder: Mesh: Beasty 12:25am 4music Presents...

Franz Ferdinand 12:55am 4music: Jd Set Presents: Bestival 1:55am 4music: 4play: Starsailor 2:05am 4music: 4play: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club 2:20am 4music: Hit40uk 2:45am White Men Can't Rap 3:45am The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 4:10am Do Over: Joel Larsen's Day Off 4:30am Do Over: Hot For Teacher 4:50am Matt's Old Masters 5:50am Close

6:00am E4 Music 2:00pm Hit40uk 2:35pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00pm Friends: The One Where Underdog Gets Away 5:30pm Friends: The One With Mrs Bing 6:00pm Brat Camp 7:00pm Wife Swap 8:00pm Friends: The One Where Underdog Gets Away 8:30pm Friends: The One With Mrs Bing 9:00pm Tba 1:00am 8 Out Of 10 Cats 1:30am 8 Out Of 10 Cats 2:00am Wife Swap 3:00am Hit40uk 3:30am Line Of Fire: The Senator 4:15am Playing It Straight Usa 4:55am Brat Camp By the boardwalk roller coster, over the shores gray and orange, small town smother your young ones.

Fed handfuls of wet sand, and tied down with drift litter the seabirds eat their eyes. I carry outside around with me on my back. free as flies and fresh as rust. Our days're just injustifiable, and our nights are given only to forgetting. I surrender mouth and pockets, the outside around me. Dumb with weather high as noon, kissed and pinned in inri posture, I want to swim with children. I want hair like water.

06.00 Sunrise 06.55 The SaveUms! 07.10 The Save-Ums! 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.20 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.35 Franklin 09.05 Gerald McBoing Boing 09.35 The Secret of Eel Island 09.50 Extreme Football 10.05 Dragon Booster 10.35 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys Just let go of my leg She says you're the perfect lover I said I cant go no futher Then I flip back the cover Oh my God, a rubber... 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Red Bull Air Race World Series 14.00 Committed 14.30 To be announced 16.50 Film: "Kermit's Swamp Years" 18.20 Film: "Accidental Hero" Wow, what a cliff hanger, I’m sure you’ll agree, and coincidentally a very good way of filling four days of television. whoodave thunk it?

20.20 Charmed 21.10 five news and sport 21.25 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.25 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 23.20 The Shield 24.20 UltimatePoker.com Showdown 01.15 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 02.00 Film: "Deadly Whispers" 03.35 Sunset Beach 04.20 Sunset Beach 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters There’s a lot of love in the office tonight, gone are the in-fights of last year and today TV John brought me a mix tape. It has a picture of a drive thru McDonalds as the artwork and is entitled “Of Mice And Menon”, you SO want in on this.

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6.00 Wakey! Wakey! 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV Wales News and Weather 1.10 The Planet's Funniest Animals 1.30 ITV at the Movies 2.00 Creating a Monster: The Making of Wallace & Gromit Said I forgot he came home today And she said thats okay Because honey I understand She said you dont have to explain Then I took her by the hand I kissed her and then we went to the room Then I turned some music on Apologized one more time Then went down and start gettin it on And she started bitin her lip 2.30 Watching the Detectives 3.00 Inspector Morse 5.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 5.30 New You've Been Framed!

6.00 The X Factor Grabbing me and makin noise Now we makin love and she's my ear whisperin It's all yours I said I love you And she said I love ya, too Then a tear fell up out my eye Then I called her my sunshine And then she looked at me 7.35 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon 8.35 The X Factor Results 9.05 afterlife And said baby go deeper please And thats when I start goin crazy Like I was tryin to give her a baby The room feel like its spinnin We keep turnin and turnin As if we were in a whirlwind The way our toes are curlin The next thing ya know, she starts goin real wild And starts screamin my name 10.05 Parkinson 11.05 ITV News 11.25 F1: Chinese Grand Prix Qualifying 0.40 FILM: Vanishing Point 2.20 cd:uk 3.40 Entertainment Now! 4.05 Cybernet 4.30 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

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19.00 Three's Outtakes 19.05 Farscape 19.50 Farscape 20.35 Doctor Who Confidential 21.05 Life Class 22.05 Nighty Night 22.35 Little Britain 23.05 Film: "Raw Deal" 24.45 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.15 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.45 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.15 Nighty Night 02.45 The Brothel 03.15 The Brothel 03.45 Close Foolishly, for my second page of the evening I have chosen to do Saturday. I was tempted by the lure of Match Of The Day and X Factor but temporarily forgot that there is sod all else on on Saturdays so I’m gonna have a lot of space to film. Well, look at that in my temporary anger I forgot to introduce myself, so, TV Gareth here for the second time.

Now lemme see. Following last week’s stick I received for my apparent faux-vegetarianism I have eaten only vegetarian pizza this evening. It was mostly pretty shit and people still questioned my ‘beliefs’. I am now vegetarian for the most sensible reason; it really pisses people off and makes them wave bacon in your face.

6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Gary Rhodes's New British Classics 12:00pm: See Hear 12:45 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 1:15 Wildlife on Two 1:45 The Rockford Files 2:35 Monk. Mr Monk and the Blackout 3:20 FILM: Chisum Then I said officer Let me explain please Ya see the truth of the matter is Is that I have an emergency He said no excuses And no exception I said this is some bull...as he gave me the ticket Said have a nice day and walked away I said yeah right and drove away Then I turned my radio on And did 70 all the way home I pulled up in the driveway Hopped out and slammed the car door Then go in through the back Bust up in the house and she screamin Whats all that for 5:05 The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes 6:00 What the Papers Say 6:10 Flog It! 7:10 Who Do You Think You Are? Then I'm like woman I called this house And a man picked up my phone Then she said calm down Did you forget My brother Twan came home Oh... And thats all I could say was oh Wit a stupid look on my face 8:05 The Secret of Drawing 9:05 Snooker Grand Prix 10:35 Have I Got News for You 11:05 The Culture Show 12:05am: Snooker Grand Prix Extra 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Caught in Time 2:30 Blue Haven 3:00 The True Geometry of Nature 3:30 A Language for Movement 4:00 Hotel Hilbert 4:30 Open Advice - A Meeting of Minds 5:00 P-Y Gerbau's Rules of the Game

White Men Can’t Rap C4 2.45pm

Your Union

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 7:00 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 7:25 Arthur 7:50 Taz-Mania 8:10 Legend of the Dragon 8:35 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow As a special treat for you this week guys, I present chapter 4 of 5 of R. Kelly’s mini opera Trapped In The Closet: Now I'm dashin home Doin 85 Swervin lane to lane Wit fire in my eyes I got a million thoughts Runnin through my mind I'm thinkin about what imma do and who I'm gonna do it to when I get home 11:00 Top of the Pops Reloaded 11:45 Sportsround 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather 12:10 Football Focus 1:20 Grandstand How could I have been so blind And then I look in my rear view I cannot believe this (Whoo whoo whoo) Damn, here comes a police man He drove right up on me and flashed his light Then I pulled over without thinkin twice He hopped out the car and walked over to me And said license and registration please I looked up at him and said Officer, is there somethin wrong He said no, except you were were doin 85 in a 60 mile zone 1:25 Super League Grand Final Preview 1:30 Snooker Grand Prix 4:30 Final Score 5:10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:30 Star Spell Final 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing 7:50 The National Lottery: In It to Win It 8:35 Casualty 9:25 Strictly Come Dancing 10:00 BBC News; Weather 10:20 Match of the Day 11:40 FILM: The French Connection II 1:40am: Joins BBC News 24.

Wakey! Wakey!

ITV1 6am

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Gerald McBoing Boing five 9.05am

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm ???

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

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Oct 10 - Oct 16 2005

whoah_oh_oh_oah@thunderroad.com

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

19.00 Spendaholics 20.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross A mix of music and celebrity chat with Jonathan Ross. With Emma Thompson, Jordan and Peter Andre and Rob Brydon. Plus music from Hard-Fi. 24.00 Spendaholics 01.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids The front cover of The Sun today features a kid who started smoking with his mum when he was four. What are these people like? I didn’t start smoking until I was nine. (And you think I’m joking...)

01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Fuck that. All I want now is a cup of cocoa and a fat, fluffy pillow with my name on it.

02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Life Class 03.55 Close

19.00 Birdland: A Night in Tunisia Jazz in your face.19.05 Massive Nature 19.35 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 20.05 The Bad Food Guide 21.05 Heimat - 3 22.45 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 23.15 Tammy Wynette: 'Til I Can Make it on my Own Remember that song she did with the KLF? I had it on a “Now Dance” album with other gems on it like “Shake your head” by Wasnotwas and a cover of Gerry Raffety’s Baker Street by someone I can’t remember. Those were the days when music was good. I wish I could find that tape.

24.15 A Very English Village 01.05 The Bad Food Guide TV John is eating cold pizza from earlier. I personally think that’s disgusting but then again I like cake mixed in with my cereal and milk and popcorn in soup so I can’t really talk.

02.05 Tammy Wynette: 'Til I Can Make it on my Own 03.05 A Very English Village Hugh Fernley-Whitingstall 03.55 Close Phew!

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Green Day in Profile September has ended. I am awake. Now please stop playing Green Day EVERYWHERE. I used to quite like them and now If I hear them I want to rip my own head off.9.55 cd:uk 1 10.55 Movies Now 11.05 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon 12.05 Nanny 911 12.55 Coronation Street Special: Corrie Controversies Bet Lynch in “I don’t always wear leopardskin” shocker. 13.55 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.40 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.00 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon 20.00 The X Factor 21.30 The X Factor Results 22.00 The Xtra Factor 22.45 Jordan and Peter: Marriage and Mayhem Just when you were worried that you hadn’t seen enough of them, along comes this to fill the void in you.24.15 Coronation Street 24.45 The Frank Skinner Show 01.45 Cycling Highlights: Paris-Tours 02.15 Desperately Seeking Sheila 03.15 Teleshopping 05.15 ITV2 Nightscreen F I S H M A N !

6:00am E4 Music 2:10pm Popworld 3:00pm Tba 3:30pm Totally Frank 4:00pm My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 5:00pm Friends: The One With The Dozen Lasagnas Surely lasagne is an uncountable noun, like spaghetti and smoke? Where’s a graduate in language and communication when you need one? Oh. 5:30pm Friends: The One With The Boobies 6:00pm Playing It Straight Usa 7:00pm One Tree Hill: The Hero Dies In This One 8:00pm The Simple Life: Interns 8:30pm Friends: The One With The Dozen Lasagnas 9:00pm Lost: Whatever The Case May Be 10:00pm Hollyoaks Let Loose 11:00pm Six Feet Under: Ecotone 12:10am The Simple Life: Interns 12:40am One Tree Hill: The Hero Dies In This One 1:40am Hollyoaks Let Loose 2:40am Six Feet Under: Ecotone 3:35am Tba 4:00am Totally Frank 4:20am My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 5:10am

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06.00 Softies 06.05 A House That's Just Like Yours 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 The Save-Ums! 07.10 The SaveUms! 07.25 Bird Bath 07.40 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.20 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.35 Franklin 09.05 Gerald McBoing Boing 09.40 Demolition Dad 09.55 Extreme Football 10.10 Michaela's Wild Challenge 10.40 Morris 2274 11.10 The New Tomorrow 11.40 Heroes of History 12.10 A Different Life 12.40 Divine Designs 13.10 five news update 13.20 Film: "The Woman in Question" 15.05 Film: "Three Violent People" Grace de Ville, John Widdop and Gareth Paisey. I once beat up TV John. He hit me in the nose.

17.00 Two and a Half Men 17.25 Two and a Half Men 17.55 five news and sport 18.05 Film: "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" 20.00 The Spiderman Story 21.00 Film: "Spider-Man" Wow, Spider-Man is a topdrawer film for five to have.

It’s also one of the few films I’ve seen in my home town of Winchester. It was the day England beat Denmark 3-0 in The World Cup. I was drinking vodka in my front room and eating mini-cheddars, then I saw the film, and then we drove around looking for Oddbins and listening to the Alkaline Trio. I think I ended up puking paracetemol in the cathedral grounds that night. Brilliant.

23.25 World's Wildest Police Videos 24.20 Red Bull Air Race World Series 24.50 US Major

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5:50am Making It: Guy Fires A Rocket 5:55am Inuk: The Dream Catcher 6:10am The Hoobs: Owning Up 6:35am The Hoobs: Sand 7:00am Transworld Sport 7:55am World Superbikes 8:25am Freesports On 4: Bmx 8:55am Hit40uk 9:25am T4 T4: Futurama: Jurassic Bark 9:55am T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:35pm T4: Friends 1:10pm T4: Totally Frank 1:45pm T4: Britney And Kevin: Chaotic: Scared To Love You I’m not scared of loving Britney. She rules. I like how she’s embraced the celebrity trend of naming children after place names. I’m going to name my children Scunthorpe and Cleethorpes.

Bo.2:10pm T4: Rachel Stevens: T4 Special 2:50pm T4: Friends: The One Where Ross Moves In 3:20pm T4: Stargate Sg-1: Icon 4:20pm T4: Star Trek: Enterprise: Cold Station 12 5:10pm The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy & Marge 5:40pm Scrapheap Challenge 6:40pm Lost 7:30pm Channel 4 News 8:00pm Bremner, Bird And Fortune 9:00pm 100 Greatest Sexy Moments Number 1: When I accidently landed on my face during a trampoline lesson at school and all the good-looking boys were watching.

1:05am Sex In The 70s: Blue Movies 2:10am British Superbikes 3:05am French Football: Le Championnat 4:50am Matt's Old Masters 5:50am Close I’ve just noticed that 100 Greatest Sexy Moments is on for four hours! My money’s on the scene where Marty Mcfly gets seduced by his mum in Back to the Future

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6.00 F1: Chinese Grand Prix Live 9.00 GMTV 11.30 The Championship 12.00 Skillz 12.30 Jonathan Dimbleby including ITV News and Weather 1.25 Waterfront 1.55 ITV Wales News and Weather 2.00 F1: Chinese Grand Prix.

4.30 The X Factor I wish I’d never started watching this, it’s seriously addictive. How ugly are 4th base? They look like they should be on the Jeremy Kyle show for beating up their girlfriends or something.

6.00 The X Factor Results 6.30 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.40 ITV News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat Question posed during Trivial Pursuit: What is the biggest killer in the industrialised world?

Answer: Heart disease. My answer: Radon. Radon?

9.00 Jericho 11.00 ITV News 11.10 The South Bank Show 0.10 F1: Chinese Grand Prix Highlights 1.15 Mosque 2.10 Motorsport UK. 2.45 World Sport 3.15 The Springer Show. Today I Dump My Fiance!

4.10 The Jeremy Kyle Show “Dont get Fresh-er with me” Starring Claire Chitty. You know who you are and what you did.

You big paedophile.

5.10 ITV Nightscreen.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News My current favourite (non R Kelly) songs are: Big Gay Heart by the Lemonheads, Call to Love

by Crooked Fingers, Killer Parties

by The Hold Steady, Fake Palindromes by Andrew Bird and the Mysterious Production of Eggs, and Names (For Nameless Things) By Mo-Ho-Bi-Sho-Pi. Lovely stuff.

Three Violent People five 3.05pm

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6:20 Fimbles 6:45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:10 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Style 11:30 The Private Life of Plants 12:20: Sunday Grandstand 1:45 Rugby League: Super League Grand Final 2:30 Snooker Grand Prix 3:30 Rugby League. Australia v New Zealand 5:25 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 5:55 Execution of Anne Boleyn: Days That Shook the World 6:25 Teaching Awards 7:25 Top of the Pops When Tori Amos released Cornflake Girl I was an avid listener of Atlantic 252.

They made a joke about her being ‘top of the cocopops’. They were THAT funny.

8:00 Snooker Grand Prix 10:30 Match of the Day 2 11:20 Arrested Development 11:40 FILM: Photographing Fairies 1:25: The Trial of Galileo: Days That Shook the World 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Get Reading, Get Writing: Why? 3:00 Reading Skills 4:00 Ask the Authors Salman Rushdie: Why do you look like a big penis?

5:00 Getting Published This must be the only publication where I can freely proclaim my love for Brian Blessed. A friend of mine has created her own religion called “ReversoMormonism”, which allows women to have seven husbands.

I have thought long and hard about who I’d chose for my spouses. If only I could clone Brian. Can you imagine waking up to his jolly laugh? My friend Nadya has a crush on David Bowie as the Goblin King in Labyrinth. I’m still working on my shortlist, but there are some fucking weird ones on there. I’ll keep you posted.

Bird Bath five 1.05pm

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6:00: Breakfast7:35 Match of the Day 9:00 Sunday AM 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:00 Countryfile 12:00pm: The Politics Show 1:00 Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out 1:20 Cash in the Attic 2:05 Diagnosis Murder 2:50 EastEnders 4:40 Points of View 5:00 Songs of Praise 5:35 Last of the Summer Wine 6:05 Ronnie Barker: A Life in Comedy Another chance to see the late Ronnie Barker's first television interview after his retirement. Including some of his best performances from TV programmes such as The Frost Report, Porridge and Open All Hours. David Jason, Nicholas Lyndhurst, Ronnie Corbett, Michael Palin, David Frost and Richard Briers are among those taking part to pay tribute to one of the great figures of comedy.

6:45 Antiques Roadshow 7:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00 Monarch of the Glen Here’s a fact for you: Susan Hampshire (Molly) has dyslexia. 9:00 Waking the Dead 10:00 BBC News; Weather 10:15 Panorama 11:10 FILM: Tigerland (2001) Gritty drama set in the 1970s about a group of recruits undertaking a gruelling Vietnam training regime in a Louisiana bootcamp.Starring Colin Farrell, the big man slag.

12:50: Joins BBC News 24.

Apologies for the “serious” listings on this page. I’m so tired that not even a can of totally tropical lilt can help me.Not feeling in a particularly hulahula-y, ra-ra skirty mood. And I left my coconut bra at home.

Damn.

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06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm ???

Five Minute Fun

October 10 2005

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ruiningyourlectures@gairrhydd.com

THE BARMAN

I’M IN A LOCAL venue. I’ve just been served a bad pint; it tastes like washing-up liquid. The barman says, “lots of people have been saying that, well, not lots; one. I tasted it and it was fine”. He tastes mine and says, “oh, that is off”.

He goes to another room with my pint, comes back, and makes a phone call. I assume he’s calling someone, maybe to get the barrel changed. He asks me who pulled the pint, I’m not certain, and I say “it might’ve been you”. He looks at me like I dissed his mother. He finishes his phone call and whispers something to the other barman. In hindsight, I’m guessing he said “we’ll leave this joker stood here for as long as we can, without looking at him or replacing his pint” - and

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disappears; for ages.

At first I think he’s gone to change the barrel, but then I see him collecting glasses and talking to people, and doing all sorts of things changing a barrel would interfere with. The other barman, the one who’s in on the ‘not looking at me conspiracy’, is reading a book.

Eventually a barmaid arrives; she’s not up to speed and says, “are you alright?”. I explain the pint debacle and say, “I’m not really sure what’s going on”. She says, “me neither” and goes about her business.

The original barman has by now returned. He says nothing to me. All three members of bar staff are in the corner, no doubt calling me a “fussy bastard” and “a prima

The Big Quiz THIS WEEK: MULTIPLE CHOICE

1. Ben & Jerr y’s have named an ice cream flavour after a member of which band?

A: B: C: D:

Marillion U2 Bluetones The Muffins - of ‘Mar tha & the’ fame

2. Which of these James Dean films is the only one to come out before he died?

donna”.

After a good 5 minutes I catch the first barman's eye. I make a ‘what’s going on?’ face and shrug.

He does the same; unbelievable. I have the terrifying thought that getting a pint here is a lottery and quality is not guaranteed. He comes over and says, “has nobody sorted out your pint?”. I say, “no, I thought that’s what you were doing.

Also, he didn’t talk to me and she didn’t know what was happening”.

It would seem I’ve insulted his mother again. He takes a moment to collect himself and says, “well, do you want another pint?”. I say “yes, please”. He says, “You can’t take this one back”. I say, “what if it’s bad?”. He says, “tough shit”.

Colm Loughlin

B: Rebel Without A Cause C: East Of Eden D: N/A - he only had 3 3. Which British band was recently on the cover of the German Rolling Stone?

A: B: C: D:

SU DOKU:

HOW TO PLAY SU DOKU:

(Last time we’re telling you)

Fill in the grid using only the numbers 1 through 9. All the vertical and horizontal rows should contain the numbers 1-9. All the smaller 3x3 squares should contain the numbers 1-9. No row or 3x3 square should have the same number twice.

CROSSWORD:

Coldplay Bloc Par ty Ar t Brut Embrace

4. Up until what year did the UK have unlimited alcohol selling hours?

A. B. C. D.

1872 1913 1901 1870

A: Giant

answers: 1.A, 2.C, 3.C, 4.A

HALL OF SHAME T

hought you’d got away with it did you? Ha! No chance bucko.

With the advent of cameras in phones nothing is secret anymore. gair rhydd jumps on the band wagon by bringing you the ‘Hall of Shame’.

SYMMONDS: Living the dream

DRUNKEN: Hat and glasses

ACROSS

Text 07791

165 837

CROOKED: Grass drink

MISSING: SABB officer shame

MOSH: Photo from the pit

8 Shelved for the time being (2,3) 9 Payments overdue (7) 10 Arriviste (7) 11 Bar of gold or other metal (5) 12 Making less dense (9) 14 Meat baked in pastry (3) 15 Turf chunk (3) 16 Speak profanely (9) 19 Beaver-like animal (5) 21 Simmer down (4, 3) 23 Overlapping (7) 24 Communicate via the internet

DOWN 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 13 14 15 17 18 20 22

Press stud (6) Reflected (8) Pug-nosed dog (4) Tall silky-haired dog (6) Wiping the dishes (6,2) Sharp flavour (4) Disease carrying fly (6) Shortest month (8) Broad ridged tooth (8) Far too sweet (6) Covered shopping mall (6) Wrap (6) Round toy with a string (2-2) Exposed to the air (4)

Jobs & Money

Page 30

October 10 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

WHEN THE PRICE ISN’T RIGHT Jobs & Money’s Nicola Menage makes sure we all know our consumer rights as hard-spending students

D

espite the ‘poor student’ stereotype, most of us are not adverse to a bit of retail therapy. The recent arrival of our loans boosting our bank accounts will see many students heading for the shops. Knowing your rights as a consumer will ensure you stay ahead of the game.

Contrary to many people’s beliefs, you don’t actually have the right to return goods simply because you have changed your mind about them, even if you do have the receipt.

When you buy goods or a service you are entering into a contract with a supplier that can not usually be broken.

The supplier must deliver the goods and you must pay the the purchase price, providing the goods comply with the law.

It is only when goods fall outside the boundaries of the law do you legally have the right to reject these goods.

Even then, however, you need to make sure you have not inadvertently ‘legally accepted’ these goods.

‘Legally accepting’ goods is a slightly grey area of the law.

It can mean keeping them after you have had a reasonable time to inspect them.

What counts as a ‘reasonable time,’ however, depends on the circumstances and is not fixed.

As a general rule, if you spot something you are unhappy with about an item you have bought it is best to notify the seller as soon as possible with a proof of purchase.

If you agree to let the seller try to put right the fault, this does not mean you are forced to keep the item.

Make it clear that if the repair fails, you will be seeking a refund.

You may also want to think twice about buying from traders who display a ‘no refunds’ notice, as this is, in fact, against the law.

You also have the same rights when

bought it and should have seen the defect - Bought it knowing it wasn’t fit for its purpose - Did the damage yourself - Simply changed your mind.

Despite this set of rules, most shops will have good-will policies that go beyond your statutory rights.

Most shops will more than likely refund items that aren’t faulty or allow you to exchange clothes that are the wrong size, for example.

Unfortunately, shops will not tend to refund sale items out of goodwill.

Credit cards

FORSYTH: The price is, most definitely, not worth paying The law also states that it is up to the seller to deal with complaints about defective goods.

The excuse that it is the fault of the manufacturer is not acceptable, although you may also have additional rights against the manufacturer under a guarantee.

you buy something from a sale as you do at any other time.

The seller can’t get away with a ‘no refunds’ policy unless: - You were told about a defect in the item before you bought it - You examined the item before you

Despite all the warnings that credit cards are to be avoided at all costs, they can provide consumers with extra protection when buying goods.

If a trader has an arrangement with a credit card or finance company that allows you to pay by credit (for goods costing more than a hundred pounds) the credit card or finance company may also be liable for any claim you have againt the trader.

This means you may be entitled to claim from the credit card company if something is wrong with the goods you have purchased on your card.

Although it is a good idea to approach the trader first, you can make a claim against the credit card issuer or finance company without doing this.

However, it is worth noting that you do not have the same rights with a debit card.

E-buying

Don’t get tangled in the world wide web

By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor

R

emember you have the same rights when buying on the internet as you do any other method of purchasing goods.

Yet it can be more of a hassle to reject goods bought over the web.

Remembering these steps will help make buying on the net easier: - Be warned: a company may have a great website but that doesn’t mean it’s law-abiding.

- Know what the seller’s full address is especially if you are buying from outsde the U.K - Just because the web address has ‘U.K’ in it this doesn’t mean they are based in the U.K - Make sure the websites have a secure way of paying (known as an encryption facility). These show a padlock at the bottom corner of the page.

- Check if they have a privacy statement telling you what they do with your personal details.

- Always read the small print before you agree to anything

Making a complaint - Contact the seller with details of your complaint and give them a chance to put the matter right before you take anything further.

It may help to put your complaint in writing, making sure you have all the following information: - The date of the advert and website and where it appeared - The date of your order - Details of goods ordered - Amount paid and the method of payment - Any reference such as order number or customer reference number

- The reason for your complaint - How you would like your claim resolved.

If the seller continues to refuse your requests, threatening them with going to the small-claims court may be enough to make them take you seriously.

The small claims procedure is meant for people to use without the representation of a solicitor.

The most you can claim is five thousand pounds in England and Wales, and seven thousand five hundred pounds in Scotland.

There is a court fee but this is paid by your opponent if you win your claim.

Further details can be gained by visiting your County Court office and the Citizen’s Advice Bureau. http://www.consumerdirect.gov.uk/g eneral/internet/fs_i01.shtml WWW: Not for arachnophobes

THE LAW: YOUR RIGHTS GOODS MUST BE OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY That is, what a reasonable person would describe as satisfactory.

Quality includes appearance and finish, safety and durability. The product must be free from defects, even minor ones, unless these defects have already been brought to your attention by the seller.

GOODS MUST BE FIT FOR THEIR PURPOSE This includes any particular purpose mentioned by you to the seller.

For example, if you ask the seller whether a computer game you are interested in buying can be played on a certain type of computer then you have the right to take the game back if, in fact, the game cannot be played on that computer.

GOODS MUST BE AS DESCRIBED For example, if the label on an item of clothing you have bought states that it is 100% cotton, then you have the right to take the item back if this is not the case.

Jobs & Money

October 10 2005

page 31

jobs@gairrhydd.com

It pays to ask Asking for a pay-rise can seem scary, we look at how to get your salary sussed

By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor

W

hether you are working as a shop assistant to help subsidise your degree or landing your big break after graduation, confrontations/conflicts/tensions over salary are pretty much inevitable.

Although most of us seek to avoid confrontation, knowing when and how to assert yourself will not only help your needs to be addressed, it can also gain you respect from your employer and peers and fellow staff.

The key to success is in the way you approach the topic and how you present yourself.

The key to success is in the way you approach your boss and how you present yourself It is useful to plan before hand what you are going to say to your employer, with a specific aim in mind.

Do you definitely want higher wages or would you be satisfied with improved terms such as a better company car, more time off or shares in the company, for example?

If the issue is brought up and it seems as if you haven’t given this much thought you may come across as unorganised and unprofessional.

Have an amount in mind possibly higher than you intended to ask for -

since you may have to haggle with your boss to reach an amount that you are both happy with.

Request a private chat with them.

Thank them for their time and quickly get to the point.

Make a note of your achievements since your last pay-rise, highlighting how you have helped the company in any way.

Once prepared, request a private chat with your employer, at a time that is convenient to them.

Make sure you thank them for their time and then quickly get to the point of why you are there.

Whether you get the pay-rise or not will really depend upon how you approach the situation and, of course, how much money there is available.

It is important to look professional, and be confident and assertive, without being cocky. If your request for a pay rise is refused, ask when your salary can be reviewed again, possibly requesting for an annual salary review to take place.

Make a note of your achievements as well as how you have helped the company

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Swydd/Job:

Part Time Sales Associates x 2

Swydd/Job:

Research Assistant

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£5.75 per hour

Tal/Wage:

£9.50 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

16-24 hours per week

Oriau/Hours:

Flexible (up to 32 per week)

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing

Parhad/Duration: Oct 2005-Mar 2006

Manylion/Details: 2 part time staff needed for a

Manylion/Details: Required by a management &

luggage & hand accessories

training consultancy to collect &

company concession based

record data within a retail envi

within a department store.

ronment. Full job description available on request.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

033

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

034

Swydd/Job:

Part Time Assistants

Swydd/Job:

Cash & Carry Assistant

Ardal/Area:

Roath, Cardiff

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£5.25 per hour

Tal/Wage:

£5.12 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

Flexible hours

Oriau/Hours:

2-3 days per week inc w/ends)

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing

Manylion/Details: Small, friendly mail-order com

Manylion/Details: Duties include serving cus

pany needs staff for picking and

tomers, filling up shelves and

packing of orders. Evening &

cleaning. Applicants should be

weekend work available.

good timekeepers, honest and have a positive, helpful attitude.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

035

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

037

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

ROBINSON: Shit boss

Page 32

s g n i t Lis

Recommended listings@gairrhydd.com

The now correct (honestly) gair This week: a Radio legend, a bleedin’ Australian,

Completely Hollywood @ Sherman Thur 13 Oct

7.30pm / £16.50 Curitz recommends

T

his week The Reduced Shakespeare Company performs its very own take on Hollywood, mocking everything in its path.

Just when you though it was safe to go back in the theatre, the Royal Shakespeare Company boldly go where few would dare - Tinseltown.

America's 'bad boys of abridgement' take on America's largest export- Hollywood. The RSC has launched an attack on the world’s biggest advert for cosmetic surgery, savaging showbiz and miniaturising movie masterpieces along the way.

This three-piece company, formed in San Francisco in 1981. manages to compress the jewels of literature and history into a single evening.

Kevin Wilson

John Peel Day

@Barfly/ Clwb Ifor Bach Thurs 13 Oct

Pick e of th k Wee

@St.David’s Hall Fri 14 Oct

7.30pm / £10.50 Schmit recommends

Schmit recommends

T

he very first John Peel Day will take place on Thursday October 13th.

The day will be a celebration of John's life and his massive contribution to music and broadcasting with as many venues as possible staging gigs across the UK under the banner of Peel Day. Cardiff is no exception with the Barfly and Clwb Ifor Bach both staging gigs and club nights in his memory.

Cardiff Barfly is taking part with their own special night of warped electronica that they hope Peel would have liked.

The line-up so far consists of the Acid Casuals, DJ Scotch Egg,

CANCELLED

Culprit One and Evils plus DJs. The Acid Casuals are made up of ex SFA and Big Leaves band members, so should be well worth catching.

Shige Ishihara (AKA DJ Scotch Egg) is a sensory crippling mid-air pile up of gabba, breakcore, barbershop quartets, and Gameboys.

Highly unique and could prove enthralling.

Over to Clwb Ifor Bach, who have Caribou, Neu, and The Junior Boys' playing in the name of Peel.

Dan Snaith's Caribou was once known as Manitoba until a name change was forced by a lawsuit from geriatric scrooge Handsome Dick Manitoba. The new name has not however changed his beautiful hypnotic music.

October 10 2005

The Krautrock drones of Neu! nestle against 60s psych pop melodies, electronic soundscapes and hip hop beats.

The Junior Boys' demonstrate a whirlpool of influences, from Depeche Mode through to Timbaland.

Forecast family members will then be playing records to maintain the party mood, with music from across the board that will satisfy everyone.

So if you want to be part of a nationwide party this Thursday in tribute to John Peel, then join in on the action at either (or both) of these great local venues. Ticket prices and times will vary.

G

et out the BBQ and the amber nectar; no it’s not summer. Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson is coming to town.

Many countries have their own singer/songwriting comedian fellow, to entertain the masses with patriot songs of stupidity. The Welsh have Max Boyce after all.

Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson is about a hundred times better, and has been described as one of the funniest and most original singer/songwriters of our generation. Yet there's a real good chance you've never even heard of him.

His songs are as unique as the man himself, with an insight and singalong quality that appeals to all ages and races, and completely cross international boundaries and cul-

Whether it be the works of Shakespeare, God or even their own native America, you can guarantee a non-stop, high-speed and excruciatingly funny performance.

You’ve seen Shakespeare, the Bible and All The Great Books but now get your clapper boards ready!

Let the RSC rummage through the reels and flick through the films in this riotous carnival of the classics.

Giving Hollywood more than just a nip and a tuck, they cut through the celluloid to condense Casablanca, race through Rocky and speed through Star Wars.

Come and see the speed merchants of condensed comedy countdown the greatest ever movies in a hilarious, high-speed romp!

Maybe they could mock the shocking Speed films. I’d rather see Keanu Reeves remain on the bus when it explodes, maybe that would cheer him up a bit. Then again we wouldn’t have Bill and Ted’s (not so) Excellent Adventure, and the really quite awesome Matrix.

If you ask me, it’s about time someone very loudly (and somewhat satirically) took a stand against the ridiculous circus which is Hollywood. Whether you’re of the same opinion, or simply up for a night of giggling this one’s for you.

tural backgrounds.

You're bound to recognise either yourself or someone you know in a Kevin Wilson song. His humour is as hard and dry as his Outback heritage. Kevin Wilson and his songs typify the irreverent Aussie `couldn't give a f**k' attitude, and with Kev, nothing is sacred!

You are never likely to hear a Kevin Wilson song on radio. You are never likely to see a Kevin Wilson performance on television. Yet in spite of this (or maybe because of it), Kevin Wilson has built up an enormous cult following simply by word of mouth.

Furthermore, it's almost an oddson bet that when you first hear Kev for yourself, you'll become an instant fan, inviting your mates around for a few beers and introduce them to some sidesplitting Kevin Wilson songs.

Another reason why you should find yourself at St. David’s Hall for this is that I’m sure you (like most) are just fed up with Freshers’ week and having to book tickets for let’s face it, mediocre events, about a week in advance.

I doubt Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson will sell out, but don’t let that put you off, as parting with your money in this case will guarantee you a night of hilarious entertainment, Aussie style.

Please note lads and lasses that if you have a ticket to see Garbage in the C.I.A on Friday 14th October; that the gig has been cancelled. This means that if you turn up, there will be no band there and you will feel very lonely. The band’s website claims that the band are simply taking a bit of time out to be with their loved ones, and have strongly denied rumours that they are to split. If you do have a ticket, then you will be able to get a refund from your ticket vendor.

October 10 2005

Day By Day

Page 33

listings@gairrhydd.com

rhydd listings with Schmit and Curitz boybands with guitars, and Pete Doherty. Really.

Monday10/10 Miss Of The Day Live @ Students Union Babyshambles. I’m sure this band’s name was designed purely for the tabloids to make easy puns with. Don’t get me wrong, if I actually thought this gig was going to take place and wouldn’t have a major drugs scandal surrounding it, it might be ok. Go at your own risk. 7pm. £17.50.

Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. 8.45pm. £2/£1 if you perform.

Live @ Barfly Angie and the Bear/ Lone Pine / Benchmark 7.30pm Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Lesson #1 Presents: Wives / King Alexander / Night & City Of Broken Promises / An Emergency. Wires are raging LA punk rock on Sweet Nothing Records. Crazy sound and fury.8pm. £5 Live @ St. David’s Hall Nollaig Casey & Arty McGlynn. Renowned fiddlers. Make of that what you want.8pm. £8

Friday14/10

Fat Friday @Solus, SU It’s a revamped Lashtastic. Only they have dancers behind screens. I ask, why are they hidden behind screens. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro. 10pm. £3.50.

Mad4It! @Barfly Every Friday Night at Cardiff Barfly join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors and much much more. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Blues Dragon Club @ Cafe Jazz 9.30pm £3 Pick Of The Day Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Shooting At Unarmed Men / Big Joan / Fenks. From the ashes of McLusky rose something even better. Tonight is the launch party for their new album. 8pm £6 Live @ Barfly Tom Baxter / Cass. 7.30pm. £9 Bloody Kevin Wilson @ St. David’s Hall see facing page for details 7.30pm. £10.50 Live @ The Point (Cardiff Bay) Budgie. Wales' top metal outfit, reformed and back on the road.7pm.

Live @ The Glee Club (Cardiff Bay) Simon Bligh, Mark Watson, Alun Cochrane.

Alun Cochrane is a tall, gangly Northerner who delivers his own brand of no-nonsense humour.

Mark Watson is described as the fresh new star of the comedy circuit. Winner of the Daily Telegraph Open Mic Award 2002's Talent Quest 2002 9pm. £6.50

Tuesday11/10

Comedy Club @Seren Las, SU Rhod Gilbert / Stere Carlin. 8-11pm. £4 NUS. Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Robot Rock @ Barfly The Barfly provides and alternative clubbing experience, and with them giving you the opportunity to sample its nightlife for free for a night, it’s an opportunity that you should definately take. 10.30pm. £3 Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Onehundredhours / Chris King And The Attic Plants / Dirty Looks.

Onehundredhours played Clwb about six months ago to a great reception, and they're back again due to popular demand.

8pm £5.

Wednesday12/10

Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. Need I say anymore? Get there between 7 and 8pm to watch some big screen sporting action with ‘Score’ and entry is free.10pm. £3.

Indie Kids Die In Hot Bars @ The Barfly Featuring the latest and greatest new music, live acts and guest DJ’s. The team behind Fly Swatter bring you Indie Kids Die in Hot Bars.

10.30pm. £4 Cheapskates @ Metros Alternative & cheese. 9pm-2am.

Wednesdays @ Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Traffic @The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.

8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS. Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music- raucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3.

Live @ Barfly Towers of London / Innercity Pirates (My Red Cell) 7.30pm. £6 Joan Armatrading @ St. David’s Hall Hugely influential and pioneering British singer-songwriter back for a rare UK tour. 8pm £22..50.

Pick Of The Day Queens of Noize @ Barfly This duo will reak havoc. Have had a good year with major roles in NME and on MTV2.Last time I saw them I ended up with a bottle of vodka poured over my face. Stung like a bitch but did the job. Brilliant. 10.30pm

Live@Barfly The Steers / Mumm-ra. 7.30pm Lunchtime concert @ St. David’s Hall Claire and Antoinette Cann. Enjoy works by Saint-Saëns, Debussy, Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninoff and the première of a new work by Michael Elliot. 1pm. £5.50 Live @ C.I.A McFly. You don’t need me to tell you who they are. If you watch CD:UK every week and own a Busted CD, then you probably already have tickets. By the way, their new album is about as good as conjunctivitis.

7.30pm.

Live @ Coal Exchange Reuben. A jolly fine band. This gig has moved from the Toucan club. R.I.P. 7.30pm. £7.

Donny Osmond @ C.I.A A real crazy horse. Definately one for the grandmothers and mummy’s boys. 7.30pm

Saturday15/10

Sunday16/10

Come Play @Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul, fun, and Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @Barfly Welcome to the Indie party fest that is Flyswatter. Every Saturday the safe haven of the Barfly brings you a club night your dancing shoes have been crying out for. All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a saturday.

9pm - 2am.

Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly MTV2 & Gonzo On Tour presents: Editors / Be Your Own Pet / The Heights. The Editors (not the gair rhydd ones) are supporting Franz Ferdinand this autumn after successful festival appearances this summer. Catch them early before they outgrow a venue this size. Highly recommended, both by MTV2 and the Listings team.7.30pm. £10 Ray Davies @ St. David’s Hall Ray Davies, one of the most successful and influential songwriters to emerge from the British music scene of the 1960s, founded the rock band The Kinks. 8pm. £22.50.

Snail Woman Flower Star @ Sherman (For Kids) One long, hot, boring afternoon Jean climbs down the stairs and comes to an open door. He takes a deep breath and enters - and his world is suddenly turned upside down, inside out and back to front. 2pm. £5

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case the wrong ones.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3s and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Live @Barfly Adequate Seven / Captain Everything.

Adequate Seven have toured with Hundred Reasons, Capdown, The Suicide Machines, Fishbone, Lightyear, Red lights Flash, Douglas and Five Knuckle and have opened up for the likes of Cypress Hill and Biffy Clyro. I think they quite like the Barfly, they play here a lot. 7pm. £6 Roddy Frame @ The Glee Club (Cardiff Bay).

Former singer/songwriter with 80s acoustic indie/pop chart-toppers Aztec Camera now playing as a solo performer. 7.30pm. £15 / £14.

Poncho Comedy Club @ A Shot In The Dark Guest Comedians. My mate Eggy might be there, he thinks he’s quite funny. He’s not.

He locked me in my room the other day with beer, food and an X-Box.He has so much still to learn. Will I have my revenge, or will I return empty handed? Tune in to next week’s Listings to find out. 7pm.

Pick Of The Day Hip Hound Lounge @ CF10 Hot Damn It’s a Jazz Jam. Bring your own instruments and voices, sign in on the door and then you’re free to join the house trio for a tune or two. Please bring copies of any sheet music if possible. 8pm. £2 (£1 Jazz Soc members).

Thursday13/10 Pick Of The Day Live @ Students Union The Coral. The Liverpudlian lads take to the road to promote their latest studio release ‘The Invisible Invasion’. This gig has SOLD OUT so unless you have a ticket or wish to be taken for a joke and purchase one off a tout for a probable £30 or something, don’t go. 7pm. £15.

Devious @ Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Metal @ Metros Er... metal. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night.

And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late.

8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Live @ Barfly BBC Radio 1 presents John Peel Day. Acid Casuals / DJ Scotch Egg / Culprit 1 / eViLs. Cardiff Barfly is taking part with our own special night of warped electronica that they hope John Peel would have liked. See facing page for further details. 7.30pm. £5 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Forecast Presents as part of John Peel Day Caribou / Russian Futurists / The Webb Brothers & loads more. See facing page for further details. 7pm £6 A Man For All Seasons @ New Theatre The 1966 film version of A Man For All Seasons starring Sir Paul Schofield won six Oscars, including Best Picture, as well as seven British Academy awards. It returns to the stage, destined to be one of the theatrical highlights of the season. Personally I’m a bit of a winter man myself. Nice. 7.30pm. £9.

Completely Hollywood @ Sherman See Hollywood get the mocking it deserves.

Further details on the facing page.

Comedy @ Glee Club (Cardiff Bay) See Friday for list of acts. 9pm. £6.50

VENUES

Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com

Sport

October 10 2005

Page 35

sport@gairrhydd.com

WHEN TWO BECOME ONE The first university clubs to merge with Medic clubs tell Sport how it hasn’t all been fun and games

By Ed Jones Sport Editor FOUR UNIVERSITY sports clubs have joined with their counterparts in the School of Medicine following last year’s merger. Ladies’ Football, Ladies’ Rugby, Canoeing and Caving will now cater for all students.

In the summer of 2004 Cardiff University merged with the University of Wales College of Medicine (UWCM). The institution now boasts over 22,000 students, 5,200 staff and an annual turnover of around £350 million. But concerns were raised about the futures of the various sports clubs.

Some suggested that sharing resources and facilities would overstretch the University clubs while others could see great benefits in the move. Elsewhere in the country, merging universities and medical schools have tended to retain their separate clubs, at least to begin with. Four of Cardiff’s clubs have already taken the plunge, although the decisions were out of their hands.

Holly Cooke, Press Secretary for the now united Ladies’ Rugby Club said "we didn’t really have any say in it.

The decision for us to absorb them was taken by the union after last year’s merger."

Cooke is clear though about the advantages for both parties. "Ladies’ Rugby is just the sort of club that might be chosen for the merge because we have found it hard to recruit play-

ers. This year was a really good year for our recruitment. The extra 15-20 medics has definitely helped."

Last season, the Medics and Uni teams competed in the same league with the Uni team winning promotion while the Medics were relegated.

"We’ve been the bigger club and our players are able to compete more regularly. The medics have a different way of life at uni in some ways because they work nine-five and are sometimes called away on work placements for weeks at a time."

Sharing resources might over-stretch some clubs How easily the Uni clubs can accommodate medic members and how quickly those members can adapt remains to be seen. Other successful Uni clubs have always enjoyed a strong medic involvement. Men’s Hockey have fielded a number of Medics in their first team for several years.

It might be argued that the rivalry might cause a problem as enemies become team mates. Cooke doesn’t see this as a problem. "The medic game was huge last season but we’ll get over it and look forward to being even better together this year."

While merging teams will happily compete together, problems may lie off

the field. As anyone who plays Uni sport knows, all clubs are proud of their unique cultures and traditions.

Players will not like being forced to dilute or abandon the rituals and drinking dens that are central to a club’s character. Medics, with five or six year courses, arguably get more attached than anyone to their traditions. Cooke added: "We get on fine but socially there seems to be a bit of a divide.

Through no fault of out own, it’s all our players on the committee, our old training schedule and our kit."

AU President Lisa Gwinett is pleased that the merges are already proving advantageous.

"I think the merging of the two Unis is a positive step, and the merger of these four sports clubs is a continuation of this positive move. The case of ladies’ Rugby highlights a bigger player base and greater competition for places which they wanted."

Merging means clubs have a bigger player base and more competition for places Gwinett also stressed that no clubs will be forced to merge. "The AU will continue to support clubs that wish to stand alone as long as they do so in line with the AU constitution."

MASSIVE SIGNING FOR BLUES

By Rich Brown Sport Reporter JONAH LOMU has sensationally agreed to join Celtic league side Cardiff Blues from New Zealand NPC side North Hudson. The 30year-old winger, born in Auckland, received 71 All Black caps and signed a seven month contract this week.

The move has delighted Blues fans and it is hoped that when Lomu appears for the Cardiff Blues that attendance figures will rise, giving a much needed financial boost to the club. The "Lomu effect" is already paying dividends, with over 8,000 fans turning out for the victory over Saracens on Saturday. Lomu was introduced to the fans at half time and received a warm ovation from the Cardiff Blues’ faithful.

Lomu will be available to play for the Blues from the start of December, and is expected to make his debut in the Powergen Cup fixture at London Irish. Speaking on Cardiffblues.com, Lomu said: ‘‘I look forward to joining the Blues later this year and getting back to the rugby field. It’s really exciting to be involved in Welsh rugby.’’

Lomu was regarded as one of the top international rugby players after he burst on to the scene in 1994 at the Hong Kong Sevens. He made his test debut for New Zealand in 1994, at the age of just 19 years and 45 days, making him the youngest ever player to be capped by All Blacks. Although he had established himself in 1994, it was at the 1995 World Cup that he

LOMU: Large

truly announced himself, picking up the Player of the Championship Award.

It is hoped that Lomu’s presence will be far more than a simple PR coup, and will improve Cardiff ’s chances of success this season, both domestically and in the Heineken Cup.

Rowing long haul

SWEATY OARS: No Cox

By Hannah Pole Rowing Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Rowers began the new academic year with an enormous 50km record achievement at the Boston Rowing Marathon.

Starting in Lincoln, the senior women’s coxless quad endured 31 miles of sculling down Boston’s flat water canal, finishing at Boston in a time of 4hrs 16 mins, just squeezing ahead of their main rivals who finished five minutes later.

The Cardiff quad, stroked by psychology PhD student Christine Binns and steered by medic Jenni Wheat, have only been sculling for two months but still broke the previous senior two and three record, despite a strong cross wind, aching legs and blisters.

The annual marathon attracts a mixture of crews and abilities from sculls to sweep oar, novice to veteran, all aiming to beat the previous years’ records.

Crews even have to stop and get out at the eight-mile stage to lift their boats over a loch, often with aching arms and legs.

This transition is a tricky stage of the race as boats must be lifted up a steep bank, and with no time to take shoes on and off, the Cardiff ladies found themselves rowing the final 21 miles with thorns in their feet.

However, the ladies came well prepared with jelly sugar sweets, rehydration drinks and even a mini-ipod system wired to the boat.

"Funnily enough, we were the only crew rating 30 on the finishing straight with the Baywatch theme tune blaring out!" says Lucy Allanson-Bailey, who is captaining the Senior Women this year.

Credit must also go to the man of the match, coach Rod Sanchez, who cycled the monster course with heavy drinks bottles, tools and extra supplies as the crew’s support team.

Their marathon achievement signals the beginning of another rewarding year for Cardiff Rowing as a club keen to establish its ability and importance within the AU ranks. The club owes much to the commitment of seniors like Club Secretary Matt Watkins, who continued his training throughout the summer and won medals at Ross Regatta.

Cardiff rowed the final 21 miles with thorns in their feet

The club has undergone great changes in the past year. Last May saw it come under a new presidency.

Cardiff medic, Dave Burton, aims to retain the excellent reputation of the club’s social scene, but would also like to help the club grow professionally, with even more achievements from all squads at more events.

The high intake of Alumni students this year is testimony to the club’s growing popularity and success.

In terms of professional development, the volume of training is stepping-up, with ex-GB lightweight Sally Orr providing assistant coaching for the women’s squads, experienced coaching and a new weights programme for the men.

Cardiff Bay’s Channel View Centre is set to provide a new forum for University Rowing which will allow senior crews to train on a longer stretch of water.

More importantly, it will enable University rowers to rub shoulders with the Welsh National Squad, whose commitment to sculling is helping the newly fledged Cardiff City Rowing Club.

With the City Council keen to promote the sport, after hosting the EUSA event, Cardiff Bay offers the perfect breeding ground for success.

Spor t gair rhydd

MERGER: Merged clubs explain the problems faced Page 35

NETBALL: Cardiff students in national Superleague Page 34

IMG: Group draws for the new season inside Page 34

THE 4AM BOYS

COMMITMENT: Who wants it most?

By Tim Lewis Sport Editor THE HYPE SURROUNDING the scramble to register IMG teams this year turned out to be true as all available places went in record time. So worried were people about not getting a team into the IMG that some started to queue from as early as four o’clock in the morning.

Each department was limited to two teams and places were issued on a first-come firstserved basis in an attempt to make it as fair as possible for each department.

Over 60 registration packs for IMG football had been collected in the week prior to registration but with only 32 teams able to register there was always going to be people left disappointed. Earth Soc, who finished third in the premier division of last season’s

leagues and made it into the play-off finals, failed to register a team this time around.

The Gym Gym, who missed out on the chance to play in the IMG last year, arrived early and were able to register two teams for this year’s competition. A few new teams managed to make it into the IMG for the new season, ‘Real Madras" and ‘The Hurricanes’ are just two of the new teams hoping to make an impact this season.

John Dunster, manager of AFC History, said "I very nervous on the morning of IMG registration, the hopes and dreams of the entire squad were riding on our ability to arrive early enough to register. Thankfully 7am was sufficient and we can concentrate on improving on last year’s performance by getting into the premiership this time around"

Story continued on Page 35

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY■ WHEN A GIRL TURNS UP TO NETBALL TRIALS WITH NO ARMS THEY PACK HER OFF TO IMG ■ TIM: I WOULD STILL SHAG HER ■ GWINETT OR SMITH OR THAT OTHER ONE?...YOU DECIDE ■ AMBER: I TOOK MY CUNT OUT ■ PINK T-SHIRTS ARE NOT COOL ANYMORE ED JUST GAY ■ OI, GARY ‘GA BARACUS’ ANDREWS - YOU CAN’T TRICK US WITH YOUR FAKE AMBER LETTER ■ ED TOM IN DARING ROOFTOP RESCUE ■ WHO IS TV LOKI?? ■ BRING BACK TV WILLY ■ STRAIGHT FOR THE BUKKAKE ■ :) ■

Sport

Page 34

October 10 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

THE GREAT IMG RUSH The scramble for IMG places leaves some people disappointed

Continued from back page In netball, although there hasn’t been the need to queue from 4am, it wasn’t long before all 24 places up for grabs had been filled. Last year’s winners, Cardiff Uni, registering two teams as they attempt to retain the title they won so convincingly last year.

Among the new teams, the seductively named ‘Stringfellows’ are sure to attract some attention and it will be interesting to see if there are any IMG rules on uniform sizes.

Seven departments have each registered two teams for the new season, so there are certain to be a few hotly contested inter-department derbies in this year. Interest in netball this year has been extremely high; each department making a big effort to recruit players at the IMG fayre should result in a great competition this season.

In attempt to move away from the disorganised reputation of the IMG, Chairwoman Clare Donovan has

implemented some new rules and regulations that all teams wishing to play in the IMG must follow. This has meant that five of the teams playing football in the IMG this year have already been docked three points for failing to have a representative at the introductory meeting on the Saturday after registration. Donovan explained: "The reason this action was taken is to send a clear message to all the teams that the rules will be strictly enforced in order to improve the efficiency and standard of play." One of the teams to be deducted three points is Momed, one of the pre-season favorites for this season’s IMG, Chairman Nick Blundell said "we are disappointed to have had such a set back before the start of the season, we felt that we had a genuine reason for not being able to attend the meeting, but we understand that the IMG has to stick by the rules that they have set if they are going to make the competition work.”

The IMG Group Draw in full IMG PRE-CHRISTMAS NETBALL GROUPS GROUP 1

GROUP 2

GROUP 3

Socsi A Christian Union English Socsi B Pharmacy B Medics B Medics A Stringfellows A

German soc.

Chem soc.

Cardiff IMG B SAWSA Engine Girls Optometry Law B Dynamo Tigers

Economics Stringfellows B Gym Gym Carbs A Pharmacy A Law A Cardiff Uni A Carbs B

Photo: Thom Airs

IMG PRE-CHRISTMAS FOOTBALL GROUPS GROUP 1

GROUP 2

Real Madras Cardiff Uni Automotive Engine Psycho Athletico Zoology FC Japsoc.

Law A AFCEuro

Gym Gym Inter Me-Nan Myg Myg Cardiff Dragons Real Havana Chem soc.

AFC Cathays Economics

GROUP 3

GROUP 4

Hurricanes Dental Utd Momed Euros Languages Architecture Law B Pharm AC Carbs A Absolutely Fantastic Locomotive Engine FC Arse-alona English Dynamo Centurion Jomec Planathinikos AFC History

LAW A: Last year’s IMG football champs

JOINING NETBALL’S ELITE

By Sarah Morgan Netball Reporter NETBALL’S NEW and much-publicised national Superleague will feature a number of Cardiff’s premier netballers.

Launched in London this month, the new league features seven English franchises to represent all of the regions, and Wales has been invited to enter a squad. Sam Lyons and Carys Jenkins have been selected to play for the Celtic Dragons team.

Nigel Holl, the England Netball Performance Director is "thrilled at the benefits that the Superleague will bring to netball right across the UK.” It will be "the perfect ‘shop window’ for our international and potential international athletes" and "is all about providing top quality netball matches all around the country."

With the first game fast approaching, second-year medics Lyons and Jenkins are looking forward to the

competing and promoting the game on a much greater scale.

Jenkins, who plays centre and wingdefence for the university team, said: "Becoming part of the Superleague is an immense opportunity for Wales."

“It’s not school netball - it’s a professional team” Lyons, goal-defence and goal-keeper for Cardiff, added: "With the matches being televised there’s great scope for the game to get a lot more people interested and also to get some respect for the game. This isn’t school netball, it’s a professional team and we’re playing at professional level."

Jenkins, a former Wales U21s team member, and Lyons, former England U21s, both attended two days of open trials before being selected for the final squad of 15.

The number of foreign players is limited to two per team in the league, and, being English, Lyons is considered a foreigner in the Celtic Dragons.

"I’m counted as an import, which is a bit strange. I also used to play for Team Bath so it’ll be hard facing my old team mates, but as all the teams have foreign players it’s not a problem."

Along with the Dragons, the Super league features the Bedsmet Mavericks, the Brunel Hurricanes, Leeds Met Carnegie, Loughborough Lightning, Northern Thunder, Team Bath, and Team Northumbria.

Matches begin on 21st October 2005 with play-offs taking place in April, with the finals held in early June.

The first clash for the Celtic Dragons takes place on Saturday 22nd October when they are hosted by Leeds Met Carnegie at Sheffield’s EIS. Both Lyons and Jenkins are eagerly anticipating "a challenging and excitng first game".

DRAGONS: Over the moon