gair rhydd - Issue 795

gair rhydd

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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

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NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04

SPACE BALLS? What makes a planet?

Victoria Sayce investigates

Science and Environment - Page 21

ISSUE 795 October 17 2005

WHY WE SHOULD LISTEN TO TERRORISTS Piers Horner on fighting the causes, not consequences of terrorism

Editorial and Opinion - Page 8

By Caroline Farwell News Editor STUDENTS LIVING in a city-centre hall of residence have been evacuated after a water leak flooded thirteen floors of the brand new building.

More than 150 students at Ty Pont Haearn, Cardiff, were moved from their accommodation in the early hours of last Saturday morning when a faulty valve left more than 80 bedrooms ruined.

“We were woken up at about two in the morning by the fire alarm and were told to evacuate the building,” said one resident.

“Some people didn’t have any shoes and nobody was allowed to collect jumpers or money.”

Residents were taken to a nearby leisure centre where they spent the night in the sports hall sleeping on gym mats.

“They gave us some food, but we didn’t have blankets and it wasn’t very comfortable at all.”

The £21 million building, which is new for 2005, is owned by the accommodation provider UNITE and potentially houses more than 600 students from University of Wales Institute Cardiff (UWIC) and Cardiff University.

Marie Barter, Divisional Managing Director of UNITE, said: “We’d like to apologise to all of our customers involved for the inconvenience this

has caused them. We will continue to keep in touch with our customers and our on-site team is on hand to help.”

While some residents could move back in within 24 hours, several students have been unable to return to their flats and have to wait another week before they can go home.

One resident said: “They completely f***ed me over. I still haven’t been able to return to my flat. They kept saying I could move back in but now they keep delaying and I’m still not home. Now they’ve said I have wait another week, it’s a nightmare.”

The building, which is one of the tallest in Cardiff, is now undergoing repair and UNITE personnel are coordinating the clean-up operation.

A first year student from UWIC said:“I wasn’t allowed to go back to my room, and when I was, it was only to take some of my belongings. They told me to take what I could carry, which meant that I had to leave my valuables and I’m not sure how secure the building is at the moment.”

Customers are now seeking insurance policies after considerable damage was caused to their belongings.

An insurance company has set up a help-desk within the property and a letter has been sent to the students at Ty Pont Haearn about how to claim for the expenses incurred.

“We have been given advice on how to claim insurance,” said one student, “but unfortunately the policies don’t cover our mobile phones and laptops.”

Some people are worried about their

PHOTO: James Perou

Story continued on Page 5

Burst pipe washes out second hall in three weeks

News

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October 17 2005

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N O E X C U S E S a glance

At

October 17 2005 News Editorial & Opinion Letters Geordie Politics Health Taf Od Media Grab!

Dear Amber Science/Environment Elections Television Five Min Fun Jobs & Money Listings Sport

1 8 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 20 21 27 35 36 38 41

EDITOR To m We l l i n g h a m DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean A S S I S TA N T T O T H E E D I T O R Elaine Morgan NEWS C h a r i s s a C o u l t h a r d , C a r o l i n e Fa r we l l , D a n R i d l e r, Pe r r i L e w i s POLITICS A n d r e w M i c ke l EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION T V G a r e t h , T V G r a c e , T V H o l l y, T V J o h n LETTERS D av e M e n o n GRAB Megan Connor TA F - O D Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan, Chris Brett MEDIA H e a t h e r C a s ey H E A LT H Va n e s s a R o c h e , L a u r a M u r p hy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage P R O B L E M PA G E Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN Colm Loughlin HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY L u k e Pav e y, A d a m G a s s o n SUB-EDITORS G r a e m e Po r t e o u s , H o l l y M a r s h a l l , Charlotte White PROOF READERS R e b e c c a H u n t , H a n n a h Pe r r y, J e s s A n d e r s o n , S a r a h C r o s b i e , A l i s o n H o we CONTRIBUTORS J o h a n n e B u t l e r, E l g a n I o r we r t h , R o b e r t Knowles, Dan Maton, Kate Thomas, Sarah Russell, Ross Whittam, Helen T h o m p s o n , T i m C l a r k , L i n d i e M a r k we l l , P i e r s H o r n e r, E dwa r d Va n s t o n e , J e s s Best, George Tsangaris, Andrew Rennison, Adrian Raudaschl, Elain LLwyd, Josie Bunting, Louise Evans, M o r g a n E v a n s , V i s t o r i a S p ay c e , Pa u l H u n t , S a m u e l S t r a n g , E m i l y A ke r s , D a n G o d a r d , J a m e s Pe r o u , J e s s A n d e r s o n ADDRESS U n i v e r s i t y U n i o n , Pa r k P l a c e Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL g a i r r hy d d @ g a i r r hy d d . c o m WEB w w w. g a i r r hy d d . c o m LOCATION 4th Floor Students Uni on

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The University speak out about Talybont Court flooding

FRONT PAGE: How gair rhydd covered the story two weeks ago

By Johanne Butler Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has responded after a water pipe burst and flooded student flats in Talybont Court earlier this month.

The director of Residences and Catering, Karen Tanner, issued a personal message after gair rhydd revealed that students had to evacuate their soaking flats and live with neighbours until the damages had been repaired.

Ms. Tanner said: “I and the whole team involved in the development would like to offer our apologies to the students affected.

“The case reported has been

investigated and the correct procedure was followed, that is, reported promptly and a plumber attended within the hour followed by an electrician.

“The fault was made safe and the contractor made full repairs the following morning, as is normal practice.”

The incident was one of a number of problems which Talybont Court has experienced since its opening in September. Unwired fire alarms, water patches and faulty door locks are amongst a few of the site’s other maintenance problems.

Ms Tanner said that problems were anticipated and a letter was sent to all new students apologising for

the inconvenience of ongoing building work.

She said: “We had to consider whether to open with some remaining non-critical, mainly external works not completed, or consider finding alternative private sector accommodation for students.

“All our past experience in these circumstances indicates that students prefer to move into the hall even whilst some work on the development is being completed. So we decided to open for arrivals.”

In response to student claims that staff were unhelpful and sarcastic, Ms. Tanner said: “Throughout this important period staff have shown commitment and dedication to recti-

fying problems and trying to make the student experience as stress free and possible.

“They have shared the students’ disappointment and frustration at problems which were not of their making.”

She said that the Residences team continue to meet with building contractors weekly to schedule the completion any outstanding work at Talybont Court and this information is being communicated to students.

Ms. Tanner concluded: “I am not making excuses for problems which new students have encountered.

These we very much regret and as indicated, have worked hard, and continue to work hard to overcome.”

Victims left KILLERS IN KILTS out in the cold

By Elgan Iorwerth Reporter

SCOTTISH UNIVERSITIES are being scrutinised this week by a new police unit created to check out ‘on-campus extremism’ as a part of a counter terrorism operation.

Tayside police are working alongside officers from Special Branch, a security service similar to MI5, to prevent ‘home grown’ terrorists.

The Special Branch Community Contact Unit has been formed specifically to identify extremist groups that could be working within campuses north of the border.

The move follows a report published last month which alleged that groups linked to terrorist organisations were active in 30

universities.

Anthony Glees of Brunel University identified 14 cases of people charged with terrorism offences since 1993 after being in touch with groups at university.

The NUS in Scotland have attempted to ban extremist groups from their universities but found that many simply changed their name.

John Vine, the Chief of Tayside police, said that the unit had been set up to ‘ensure liaison, particularly with young people, universities, colleges and schools within the community’.

The International Students Society and Dundee University Islamic Society are two groups that have already been contacted by the unit to help communication between Muslim student communities and the police.

By Robert Knowles Reporter A UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR who suffered severe injuries in the July 7 bombings has criticised the level of support provided for the victims of the terror attacks.

Professor John Tulloch, former head of Journalism Media and Cultural studies at Cardiff, lost most of his hearing, received heavy concussion and now suffers from severe vertigo, leaving him unable to work.

Similar medical problems have left many other victims in the same position and many are struggling to cope financially as they face huge bills for specialist treatments unavailable on the NHS. Financial help is available through the government’s criminal compensation scheme and the

London Bombings Relief Charitable Fund,but many of the victims are facing possible delays of up to 15 months until they see any of the money.

One angry victim described the delays as disgusting, saying: “We really need the money now.”

Prof. Tulloch is on full sick pay until January and fears for his situation after this time. He said: “If I’m still not able to work my pay will be halved and I can’t pay my mortgage.”

He also claims that his financial worries leave him ‘unable to sleep’.

He is publicly backing the News of the World campaign, ‘What about the Victims?’, that aims to speed up the payment of compensation to those affected by the attacks.

He added: “It’s very important to make sure compensation is adequate for all concerned.”

News

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CHEAP AS CHIPS

By Caroline Farwell News Editor A NIGHT OUT IN Cardiff is the cheapest in Britain according to a recent survey.

The Welsh capital came first in an index devised to find the minimum amount of money needed for a night out.

With young people and students in mind, researchers compiled the index by comparing the prices of various items likely to feature in a night out, such as a pint of beer, a short taxi ride, admission to a nightclub and a bag of chips.

Cardiff party-goers need £17.54 – almost half what the equivalent night out in London would cost,

which was £32.41.

The average amount across the country was £26.60 according to the survey findings.

Young Persons Railcard, who carried out the survey, said: "We know how strapped for cash young people can be, particularly when they want to go out at the weekends.

"We hope this index will help people decide where to go on a weekend away, where to go to university or where to move for a new job."

Cardif f Leeds Bristo RIGHT: Average prices of a Manc l night out in university towns h Glasg ester o Birmin w Bright gham York on Londo n

£17.5 4 £19.5 2 £19.7 0 £20.6 5 £21.7 7 £25.0 0 £25.4 8 £27.2 2 £32.4 1

By Dan Maton Reporter CAROLINE STREET was sealed off last Thursday as a fire started in one of the many take-aways in the area commonly known to students as ‘chippy alley’.

The blaze, which quickly spread, was started around lunchtime at Tony’s Fish Bar when a chip pan caught on fire.

Stephen Barcoe, an employee of the next-door Dorothy’s Fish Bar, described how he attempted to control the flames.

He said: "The man from Tony’s came running in and said ‘help me, we’re on fire’.

Calendar Girls

By Kate Thomas Reporter SEXY STUDENTS from universities all over Britain are appearing in raunchy 2006 calendars that are going on sale this week.

The British Babes Calendar 2006, The British Boys Calendar 2006 and the newest addition - Chav Babes 2006 - are eagerly awaited since their first release three years ago.

The first calendar, Girls of Manchester Universities back in 2003, was so successful that it now features girls and boys from all over the country.

Hopefuls who posted their photos on the internet earlier this year were rated by the rest of the student population and whittled down to the 12 sexiest in each category.

All models are real students, most of whom have never modelled before, and many have gone on to model in various national magazines as a result of appearing on the site.

Dave Watkins of www.babesandboys.com is encouraging as many students as possible to audition.

"Follow in the footsteps of past heroes such as Miss December 2005, voted 26th sexiest woman in the world by FHM, Miss August 2005, voted student of the year by Zoo Magazine and Miss February 2005, one of the final seven in this years XFactor."

The calendars are priced at £6.99 and will be available from Virgin and Clone Zone.

For more information go to www.babesandboys.com.

"I rushed straight there to help and grabbed a fire extinguisher, but it was too late as the flames were coming up and spreading."

Firefighters were immediately called to the take-away.

A spokesman for Tony’s Fish Bar said that the clear-up operation had begun but that they were unsure when the business would re-open.

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50% of students could be living with faulty boilers

By Dan Ridler News Editor

GAS CERTIFICATES: Fueling concern over safety

STARTLING FIGURES released by British Gas reveal that fifty percent of students have never seen a gas safety certificate for their accommodation.

This is, perhaps, hardly surprising as the same survey suggests that only one in ten of us cite safety as being important when we choose where we are going to live.

Instead, the number one reason for choosing a house was discovered to be the cost of the rent.

This survey comes at the start of a

British Gas lead campaign to urge students to 'ditch their dodgy landlords.'

The company wish to make students more aware of safety following potentially tragic incidents.

One such incident occurred in Cardiff last March when a poorly repaired boiler leaking carbon monoxide was discovered in the nick of time for the Richmond Road residents living alongside the deadly and scentless gas.

Despite such clear warnings however, still fewer than 20% of students have a carbon monoxide detector in their homes, and over 25% would rather spend money on a CD. This could be put down to a lack of

education, as the survey showed that 25% of students believed that a fire alarm would help detect a CO leak, a statistic which demonstrates a severe misunderstanding of the nature of the gas and the operation of smoke detectors.

Chris Bielby, Head of Safety at British Gas, said: "A Gas Safety Record isn't like a guarantee for a washing machine or a fridge. It's something all students are entitled to by law.

Student years can be the best years of people's lives and we don't want that destroyed by a tragic incident that could so easily have been avoided.

We're hoping students will begin to

take note and start nagging their landlords."

Ve r o n i c a King, Vice President Welfare of the NUS, said: "This survey has produced some worrying results and NUS would urge students to make safety their priority when house hunting.

“It is shocking but nonetheless unsurprising that students are settling for cheap rather than safe accommodation at present, and we would attribute this trend to the huge financial burden students now face."

Findings show that universities are wasting valuable cash on staff tribunals

Staffing problems

By Caroline Farwell News Editor UNIVERSITIES ARE spending millions of pounds fighting litigious staff despite having considerably fewer employment tribunals than other workers.

New figures, made public by the Freedom of Information Act, show that higher education staff are ten times less likely to go to employment tribunals than workers in other sectors.

The sector-wide figures reveal that the higher education sector paid £1.2 million to settle cases early and a further £250,000 to successful litigants.

Some vice-chancellors described it as a ‘Catch-22’ situation, in which universi-

ties are spending money in legal fees despite the outcome of the cases.

The figures also found that university staff are almost four times more likely to lose their tribunals than workers nationally - only one in 20 cases succeeds compared with almost one in five nationally.

Employers used the figures as proof that academics and related staff are treated much more fairly than those in other fields.

However, the high failure rate against universities

has prompted warnings that an anti-management culture was emerging and encouraging ill-conceived legal disputes.

The figures also revealed a readiness among university employers to settle cases out of court - 48 per cent of cases were settled in this manner, compared with 37 per cent nationally.

Gill Evans, co-founder of the mediation service run by the Oxford Centre for Higher Education Policy Studies, said that universities were often too ready to spend public money to get complainants ‘off their backs’.

STUDENT SURVEY SHUNNED

By Caroline Farwell News Editor THE GOVERNMENT’S national poll of student satisfaction has been declared invalid by leading members of the group that helped design the survey.

The National Student Survey (NSS), which ran for the first time this year, did not include the "essential requirements" to safeguard against low response rates, according to critics.

Harvey Goldstein, professor of statistics at Bristol University, and Ivor Goddard, the director-general of the Royal Statistical Society, said last week

that it was not possible to make "scientifically valid" comparisons between institutions because of new changes made to the scoring system.

Under the NSS, 170,000 students rated various aspects of their university experience on a scale of one to five. The results were then awarded an average score by the Higher Education Funding Council for England (HEFCE), which managed the survey.

Professor Goldstein said: "It looks like Hefce was under pressure to put out the quick and dirty survey results without the safeguards agreed."

Responding to the criticism, Hefce said that it is a challenge to provide more sophisticated users with all the additional

information they need without confusing others. The council said that it is keen to introduce a provision for statistical uncertainty and will be carrying out further tests to see how it can be achieved.

Designed to help future students with their university choices, the NSS created the first national league table of students’ assessment of the quality of their experiences.

SCOTS

ON WATCH

By Sarah Russell Reporter SCOTTISH UNIVERSITIES are being scrutinised this week by a new police unit created to check out ‘on-campus extremism’ as a part of a counter terrorism operation.

Tayside police are working alongside officers from Special Branch, a security service similar to MI5, to prevent ‘home grown’ terrorists.

The Special Branch Community Contact Unit has been formed specifically to identify extremist groups that could be working within campuses north of the border.

The move follows a report published last month which alleged that groups linked to terrorist organisations were

active in 30 universities.

Anthony Glees of Brunel University identified 14 cases of people charged with terrorism offences since 1993 after being in touch with groups at university.

The NUS in Scotland have attempted to ban extremist groups from their universities but found that many simply changed their name.

John Vine, the Chief of Tayside police, said that the unit had been set up to ‘ensure liaison, particularly with young people, universities, colleges and schools within the community’.

The International Students Society and Dundee University Islamic Society are two groups that have already been contacted by the unit to help communication between Muslim student communities and the police.

News

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continued from front page coursework being lost and some third years are panicking about retrieving their dissertations."

Another student added, "Things have settled down a bit since the flooding. It was all a bit crazy at first, but they have looked after us quite well. We’ve been given a free laundry service for a fortnight and they’re giving us plenty of food.

"I’ve heard lots of rumours about the damage but I just hope it all gets sorted out sooner rather than later."

Airline rejects blind passengers AIRLINE RYANAIR has been accused of discriminating against the disabled after ejecting nine blind passengers off a plane minutes before take-off.

One of the passengers said afterwards: "It was dreadful. You felt like a criminal. We were all devastated".

Ryannair recently apologised to all passengers involved before insisting its policy regarding disabled people was ‘clearly highlighted on the website’.

SCOOTERMAN TO THE RESCUE Drink driving superhero brings business to Cardiff

By Ross Whittam Reporter AN ORGANISATION that aims to cut down the number of drink-related car accidents is being launched in Cardiff this weekend.

Entitled ‘Scooterman’, the organisation drives people home in their own car if they are over the legal alcohol limit.

The chauffeurs then return to their own homes on a miniature scooter that is folded up in the back of the customer’s car.

After a successful six years in London, the scheme has come to Cardiff because of the large number of people who drive into Cardiff for a night out.

Cardiff ’s very first Scooterman, Kristian Hubbard from Lower Ely, expects there to a big demand for the service. He said: “Cardiff has a very

busy city centre and there’s lots of pubs in the outlying areas.

“About 1.1 million people of working age live within an hour’s commute to Cardiff so there will be someone who wants to go out for a few who can’t get home.

“The Scooters are very small. I’m 6ft 4ins and people have been saying ‘how on earth do you fit on that?’

“It’s a bit daunting on dual carriageways but people might have seen me riding around Cardiff for the past week practicing.”

Random tests that were carried out

by south Wales Police during the summer revealed that 156 drivers were found over the alcohol limit or refused to take the test.

Although the service may not attract students in the local Cathays area, the organisation is set to be beneficial for those living further away.

A Cardiff University Maths student said: “I was at University Hall last year and a couple of times I drove to the Bay with my friends for a night out but had to leave my car there and collect it the next day. I think this scheme is an excellent idea.”

Rot noodle ARCHAEOLOGISTS IN China have discovered a 4,000-year-old bowl of noodles buried in mud.

The ancient food was recently found in North-West China.

It is believed the thin, yellow noodles were destroyed by a flood and earthquake centuries ago.

By Caroline Farwell News Editor WELSH LANGUAGE extremists have been warned by the National Assembly and police after they encouraged people to break into and spray-paint government offices.

The Welsh Language Society, Cymdeithas yr Iaith, led a rally in Cardiff earlier this month calling for much stronger legislation to protect the Welsh language.

Catrin Dafydd, chairwoman of the group’s bid to update the Welsh Language Act, said she wanted group members and public sympathisers to break the law in a three-month spate of direct action.

Ms Dafydd said: "We want to show we must have stronger rights for Welsh-speakers in a world that is changing rapidly.

The Assembly speaks the language of rights, but it doesn’t recognise those of Welsh speakers.”

The vow of direct action comes a week after Cymdeithas members were arrested for daubing graffiti on the walls of the former Welsh Office building in Cathays Park.

Inspector Malcolm Lewis from south Wales Police, warned: "Everybody has the right to demonstrate, but they shouldn’t go out of the law. If they were caught breaking the law in any way they would be arrested for it."

An Assembly spokeswoman added: "Random acts of vandalism will not further the cause of achieving a bilingual Wales and will not change our position.”

SCOOTERMAN: A new breed of superhero

Welsh meat supplier raided for e.coli E.COLI: Wales’ deadly killer

Welsh riot

By Helen Thompson Reporter POLICE HAVE searched and sealed off the meat suppliers factory thought to be responsible for the recent outbreak of e.coli in south Wales.

A police guard was set up outside John Tudor and Sons, situated on an industrial estate in Bridgend, on October 7.

The raid follows the revelation that the strain of e.coli affecting south Wales matches that found on meat in the suppliers factory.

The Outbreak Control Team first linked the infection to the factory shortly after the epidemic was officially recognised on September 18 after health officials uncovered 'unsanitary practises' on the premises.

A spokesman for south Wales Police said: "We have sealed off the meat suppliers because it is a potential crime scene. This is part of an ongoing investigation and it is going to take quite a while because it is so

complex."

John Tudor and Sons' lawyer was unavailable for comment.

The outbreak has so far affected over 155 people in 42 schools and claimed the life of five-year-old Mason Jones.

Mason, a pupil of Deri Primary School, died in the early hours of October 4, after struggling against the disease for two weeks.

The Welsh Assembly has announced that it will investigate all aspects of the outbreak.

The cause of this epidemic has been unusually difficult to track, as so many schools are involved.

One school, Glenboi Primary School in Mountain Ash, was shut on October 6 as a preventative step against further spread of the disease.

Bloody diarrhoea, a symptom of e.coli, was discovered in the boys' toilets.

The school was shut after attempts to track the infected child failed. It was due to re-open on the October 11, allowing all children who tested negatively for the disease to resume classes.

World News

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TURKEY: New friends?

Letter from

INDONESIA

Will Turkey be plucked from EU?

By Dan Maton Reporter A BRITISH MEP has found ‘shocking’ reports of murders and mutilations whilst on a European parliament delegation visiting Turkey.

The delegation was sent to check on Turkey’s progress in human rights as part of the negotiations for EU membership that began last week.

There were accounts of soldiers tearing out people’s eyes and cutting off their ears if they sympathised with opposition groups.

Turkey’s foreign ministry spokesman has dismissed the claims as ‘silly stories’, but after hearing a variety of credible sources, the British MEP said he had no doubts about the accuracy of the reports.

Turkey’s government have previously received praise for its efforts to modernise in an attempt to convince EU leaders that their country is worthy of full EU membership. There are signs of improvement, such as the abolition of the death penalty and increases in cultural rights for ethnic minorities.

EU Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso said that Turkey must ‘win the hearts and minds of European citizens’ if she is to be welcomed into the EU - something these latest findings do not help.

Qualification for full membership will be a long and strenuous journey for all parties concerned and is not guaranteed to end in Turkish membership.

By Tim Clark Reporter in Bangkok

WEAH: Football legend. INSET: Enjoying off-pitch political success

On his Weah

By Dan Maton Reporter FORMER WORLD Footballer of The Year George Weah is poised to become the next president of Liberia following the election results this week.

Weah is the favorite to win, although it appears that there will be a run-off election following the vote on the 11th.

The elections are the first since the end of a 14-year civil war that saw 200,000 people lose their lives.

Liberia is one of the poorest countries in the world, despite its vast supplies of natural resources. 85% of the population is illiterate, cholera and malaria are rife and most of the people live on less than $1 per day.

These are just some of the problems that Weah would face should he win.

First he must see off challenges from a variety of other candidates.

Weah’s biggest challenger would be an equally unmatched victor. JohnsonSirleaf, a veteran of Liberian politics, would become Africa’s first ever elected female President. While she may be more qualified for the job, she cannot compete with Weah’s status as a national hero, despite him having little formal education and no political experience.

These elections were made possible due to the presence of 15,000 UN peacekeeping troops that have been in Liberia since the end of the war.

Whilst many see the elections as a fresh start for Liberia after a troubled past, some fear the response of certain candidates should they lose. Chief Momo Freeman is remaining vigilant claiming “(t)he losers might cause trouble”.

EIFFEL EVACUATION

By Lindie Markwell Reporter TOURISTS WERE evacuated from the Eiffel Tower last Sunday in response to anonymous bomb threats received by the French Police.

The false claims led to a fullscale evacuation of all staff and visitors from the Parisian landmark, which can receive up to 30,000 visitors each day.

Teams of explosive experts were sent to the scene as authorities carried out searches of the Eiffel Tower and Luxembourg Garden, along with two Parisian train stations, the Gare de Lyon and the Gare

Montparnasse, which were also reportedly under threat.

Nothing suspicious was found during the searches, and within 90 minutes visitors were permitted to return.

The latest evacuation of the Eiffel Tower comes after evacuations in both July of last year, after the hoax threat of a 9/11-style attack, and in July 2003, after a fire broke out on the upper levels of the monument.

The 324m tower was built in 1889 and it still remains one of France’s top tourist attractions, with more than six million people climbing it in 2004.

A FRIEND OF mine was in a sour mood last Monday - an email from her parents had caused most of the hassle. It was the morning after the Bali bombings.

Waking up in Singapore to hear along with the rest of our hostel, news of yet another attack on the popular western tourist destination was hard enough. It is even harder to explain your circumstances to your parents when you're only 30 miles from Indonesia and the plan is to head south.

Every day in Asia a brief scan of the newspapers raises both eyebrows and insurance rates. Looking at the headlines for just one issue you find everything from tragic train derailments in India, courtroom bombings in Bangladesh and suspect packages arriving in several embassies in Malaysia. This does not even hint at the fact that there are currently separatist movements in Nepal, Thailand, Laos and the Philippines to mention just a few, and 400 escaped drug addicts are running around Ho Chi Minh City, looking to finance a hit.

Any could, and have targeted tourists in the past, yet if we are to travel to paradise is this the price we are expected to pay?

The bombings in Bali are the latest in a string of attacks in Indonesia this year which have claimed more than 40 lives since April 23. Alongside Bali, Jakarta has been rocked by four explosions, with two other major incidents across the Archipelago.

Athough it is widely believed Jemaah Islamiah was behind the attacks, it is not confirmed that these incidents are connected to each other.

Compared to the problems faced by Iraq they are slight, yet they are more than enough to put you off travelling to these destinations.

Within an hour of the incidents in Bali the Lonely Planet forum was full of posts questioning the safety of the island, changes in travel plans, and expressions of solidarity behind the Balinese people.

You can injure people repeatedly but it’s when you take away thier livelihood that the real damage is done. Avoiding dangerous places is a sensible decision that plays straight into terrorists hands. Furthermore, the more people that avoid Bali the more effective the bombings become, hence the more appealing it becomes as an option on other tourist destinations, which arguably only makes everywhere more dangerous too. Catch 22 anyone?

Knowing that you could be the target of such attacks makes you feel very uneasy. The Australian government has re-iterated its stance that it considers Indonesia a considerable risk as a destination for its nationals.

And the area does feel dangerous until you are stopped in the street and asked with genuine concern about London, and if you feel safe at home.

You can injure people repeatedly but it’s when you take away thier livelihood that the real damage is done As the dust begins to settle in Bali, measures are being taken across the rest of south east Asia to increase security and co-operation in an effort to clamp down on militant networks.

Authorities in Thailand have taken steps to boost security and popular resorts such as Kho Samui and Phuket are seeing an increased police presence amid concerns that terrorists may be using a network of supporters to evade authorities.

In a joint investigation, Indonesian and Australian police forces are searching for two Malaysians suspected of masterminding the bombings which lead to the first arrests last Tuesday. A man identified as Hasan, or HS, left Bali three days before the attacks previously renting an apartment with one of the suicide bombers.

He was found in East Java and has now been sent back to Bali for questioning.

As the island prepares to mark the anniversary of the previous attacks in 2002 this week, many will be looking again, with increasing frustration at what can be done to rebuild a shattered livelihood.

DEVASTATION: The Bali bombs wrecked hope and lives

Editorial & Opinion

Page 8

October 17 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Floods in the house ONCE AGAIN a story about flooding in student halls of residence takes centre stage. Alongside this, we feature a frank and encouraging statement from the Universitites own Residences and Catering Division about the positive steps that have been taken by them in light of the water leaks at the new Talybont Court halls.

It is good to see that the problmes being faced by students in these halls are being taken seriously by those with the power to solve them.

The disatserous consequences of the flooding faced by students living in the privately owned Unite hall of residence Ty Pont Haearn seems to be the latest in a line of problmes with the independant provider of student accomodation.

The issue over privately opperated halls versus universty opperated halls of residence in general is once again under the spotlight.

Taking the responsibility for student housing away from the universitites where they study raises several major questions and has been condemmed by organisations such as the NUS. However with students expecting more modern and better equipped halls, and there being a corresponding shortage of land and capital for universittes to build new halls on and with, a balance must be struck.

When the students affected in this incident graduate and leave Cardiff, the halls of residence will still play host to the next generation of students, it is up to the University to hold organisations like Unite to account over student welfare in halls or solve the problem themselves.

Cheaper than chips CARDIFF HAS been officially crowned as one of the cheapest nights out in the UK in a recent survey by the Young Persons Railcard. Whilst places like London and York are considerably more expensive for essential student items like kebabs and pints of beer.

Although most students enjoy a night out on the tiles and waking up to find some change left in their pockets, there are situations where cheaper isn’t always better.

The annual play made for student pound by the various leisure venues in the town centre is a classic example of this.

Obscenely discounted drinks prices and all you can drink offers are going against the advice of the police, as well as putting student health at risk.

Just because Cardiff costs you less as a punter doesnt mean it’s compulsory to go overboard and spend the same amount you might in London.

By Piers Horner

T

he longest-running news event in the UK during the summer was surely the terrorist bombings in London in July, during the week that the G8 leaders met in Gleneagles.

The death of over fifty people in the four explosions came as a big shock to many Britons for whom, until then, suicide bombings had been a foreign phenomenon.

For several weeks the media was dominated by the attacks and by their impact. The impression was that the terrorists’ aim was to ‘destroy our way of life’, and that we should attempt, as far as possible, to live in the same way as before. To do otherwise would be to succumb to the terrorists.

“...they were not irrational fanatics with no concept of reason or sense” In the midst of this was a documentary about Chechnya, which spoke to some of the ‘freedom fighters’ in that conflict. The film showed brutal footage of attacks on Russian troops, as well as from the Beslan school siege. The footage left me in no doubt that these were terrible acts.

The official response to the activities of the rebels seemed to be that the Russian Government does not, and will not, negotiate with the perpetrators. It seemed to be implied that one could not negotiate with these people; it implied that rebel leaders were completely irrational.

Yet when the programme spoke to those involved or in agreement in these attacks, they were not irrational fanatics with no concept of reason or sense. They seemed to have genuine grievances that were supported by footage of daily life for Chechen civilians also shown in the documentary. Their troubles, the kind of daily oppression that grinds down its victims slowly, appeared to be the type that rarely reaches the news headlines. People were dying – whether through poverty or bulletwounds. No children were being held hostage in schools by masked militants, but there was a Beslan occurring in Chechnya every day.

Andrew Mickel’s

W

BIN LADEN: we’re not listening Another programme focused on the bombings in Madrid a few years ago and showed footage of one of the explosions. Again the images were horrific. I have never doubted that the bombings were completely wrong, but I found the exerpt from terrorist propaganda videos significant. What was the motivation for the terrorists for acting against the West? Was it the destruction of democracy wherever it may be found? Actually, no. The answer seemed to be that it was claimed Western governments were engaged in a war against Islam. The troubles in the Middle-East, in Chechnya, and the shocking abuses that took place in Abu Ghraib were put forward in support of this.

“What was the motivation for the terrorists for acting against the West?”

What struck me was that outrage at the issues that formed the basis for the terrorist accusations was not irrational. People are suffering in Palestine and in Chechnya, and there were undoubtedly people who suffered in Abu Ghraib. Indeed, the phrase ‘suffering’ may not do proper justice to the amount of pain, the feeling of degradation, and the sense of hypocrisy and double-standards

that people in these situations have experienced. To say that suffering is exclusive to people on one side of a conflict is wrong, but it is easy for their outrage over these situations to change into anger and hatred.

It often seems, rightly or wrongly, that the West does take sides, and that it doesn’t always care about certain human costs. There is, for example, the feeling that America cares more about placating the Jewish lobby at home than about a population being ‘repressed’ in Palestine.

Of course, I do not consider this outrage a justification for the actions of the terrorists. The argument for attacking Western civilians appears to rest upon the concept that, in supporting our own Governments, we are complicit in the war against Islam.

I do not believe there is a covert war against the Muslim faith; the evidence for it seems to be circumstantial at best.

Even if there were such a war, I do not give it my support, and I doubt that many in the Western world would. Besides, not every member of the public supports the actions of, or even voted for, the Government they have in power. The terrorist accusation seems, therefore, at best a grossly unfair and extremely flimsy excuse.

Nevertheless, maybe we – and the Western world in general – do have a

responsibility to demonstrate more clearly that these accusations are wrong; to show that we truly do care about those situations that appear to be motivating the terrorists and about finding a fair resolution to them. If we refuse to listen to the terrorist claims and simply choose to label them as irrational, it is all too easy for us to forget this; and if Western governments are guilty of operating double-standards, it is easier for them to avoid addressing the real issues that motivate terrorism.

“It often seems that the West does take sides and that it doesn’t always care about certain human costs” In any case, conflicts of this kind only ever seem to be resolved once both sides are prepared to talk to one another. Can we not claim direct evidence of this after all the years of conflict in Northern Ireland? In a sense, with the suicide bombers’ messages and those broadcast by alQu’ida’s leaders, our ‘enemies’ in this conflict are putting forward their side of the argument. It is, perhaps, now up to us to listen and respond.

by Alex Wallis

FREE WORD

WE SHOULD LISTEN TO TERRORISTS

Al’s World

gair rhydd

ROOM 101

ith freshers having poured into Cardiff for the start of another academic year, there’s one obvious effect it’s having that is being massively overlooked. It’s making me feel old.

No, this isn’t a rant about freshers; I’m angry with the ageing process.

Whether it’s God, Father Time or some obscure university department that’s in charge of it, I’m not happy.

I’ve been acutely aware of this since the summer, specifically with the start of Big Brother. Having just turned 21, virtually all of the contestants bar the token oldies were younger than me. Endemol has effectively decreed that I am now a token

oldie in life.

The problems have continued now I’m back in Cardiff. At the Freshers’ Fair I couldn’t help but suspect that I am now old enough to have fathered several of the younger looking students. Going to Solus increasingly feels like I’m chaperoning someone else’s children. Was the music always this loud? Have they put the prices up? Does that girl’s mother know she’s out dressed like that? No, I’m starting to see the virtues of sitting in a nice, quiet pub where the music’s at a reasonable volume and the seats are comfy.

Just trying to walk up the Union steps seems to take much longer than it used to. Lithe 18-year-olds gala-

vant past me before acting the goat outside of Box Office. And I’m certain that the Union has been stealthily inserting extra stairs up to the fourth floor- that’s the only other explanation for why I feel about 80 by the time I hit the top.

I shouldn’t place the blame squarely on freshers. My friends are also partly responsible. Those that aren’t getting hitched are having kids. I’m from Essex, so that’s nothing new; but now it’s proper girls from the Home Counties that are firing them out.

Plus there’s the fact that I’m expected to get a job in a few months.

The world seems to fail to understand that despite my advancing age, I’m

dangerously underqualified to even work in Subway at the moment.

My mother also has to burden some of the responsibility. If only she’d had the foresight on May 31st 1984 to fight the contractions and stop pushing for three years, I wouldn’t be having this problem now.

At least there’s one easy way to recognise the old folks from the young whippersnappers - a mere mention of CUS cards, Jive Hive or rationing and the few flickers of recognition amongst those in the room mark out those who’ve been here too long. Club together, my friends; it’s not long ‘til we’ll be reminiscing about it in an old folk’s home.

October 17 2005

Editorial & Opinion

Page 9

opinion@gairrhydd.com

When models mean more than lives

As yet another natural disaster takes thousands of lives in South East Asia, Will Dean asks what was so important to keep this out of the news

I

t’s shocking when you realize quite how much the media frame our ideas. I had literally no idea of the scale of Saturday’s earthquake in Pakistan and India until I watched the news on Tuesday night. This is mainly my fault, the information was out there, but I didn’t bother to look.

However, it doesn’t help that the majority of Fleet Street decided that an event in which at least 25,000 people were killed and almost THREE MILLION made homeless (that’s about the population of Wales by the way) half of Fleet Street didn’t deem it worthy of front page news.

Let’s put this into perspective; 25,000 deaths is the same as everyone in an average-sized Premiership stadium perishing. It’s the same as ten September 11 attacks, 438 London bombings and 25 Hurricane Katrinas.

The earthquake’s only rival in terms of scale of disaster is Boxing Day’s tsunami which may have killed as many as 100,000.

So, on Tuesday, as I was sitting down with the Daily Mirror, I was

EARTHQUAKE DISASTER: Papers (INSET) thought 25,000 deaths weren’t surprised to find that the paper had the year’s most heroic individuals. decided that, rather than cover one of Can you sniff the irony? the worst natural disasters in recent I know what you’re thinking; memory, it would use eight pages to tabloid press hypocritical scumbags, plug its own Pride of Britain Awards; bear shits in woods, so what? But the in which B-Listers dish out prizes to mid-markets and ‘quality’ papers

front page news were at it too. By Wednesday, the Mail had given up on covering the event and most others had shifted it to the inside pages sometimes with a picture on the cover. Only the dear old Independent has run the story on

pages one and two all week. By Wednesday they were even headlining with a warning against compassion fatigue and including a donation slip on their front cover.

So what was so important to keep this humanitarian catastrophe off the front pages? Well, erm, it seems to be a combination of Wallace and Gromit, Kate Moss, the Q Awards, TV licenses going up and Kate Moss again.

Now, I recognize the important of proximity as a news value, of course it makes sense that the drama of the London bombings took up most pages of the papers for a good few weeks afterwards. But my god, it’s 20,000 people dying. Do they have to be British or American to warrant more coverage?

2005 does seem to be turning into a veritable medley of natural disasters, but leading with the "news" that a rich model once took cocaine and that some plasticine got burnt taking precedence over the deaths of thousands of people is not just sick, it’s a damning indictment of our dribbling celebrity-worshiping excuse for a society.

Will you be my friend? We need There’s something about those freshers’ eighteen of them, apparently

By Edward Vanstone

By Jess Best

A

recent academic study led

by Ray Pahl, a professor in Sociology at Essex University, states that the average person needs eighteen close friends and relatives, whom they rely upon to cope with the vagaries of modern life. That’s close friends - not acquaintances, not pals, not buddies. Close friends.

So, how do I fare? Do I have enough emotional and practical support to sustain me through the travails of university life? Well, all I can say is that it’s a good job relatives are allowed.

Mummy Vanstone goes straight onto the list. Daddy Vanstone brings my ‘love gang’, as I have just decided to call it, swiftly up to two members.

Sister Vanstone will not be allowed to push me towards friend stability numerically until she stops using expressions like ‘proper hench’ and ‘sinnit ain’t I?’ (Being sixteen is no excuse.)

By totting up mates at university I can just about drag myself to ten close friends. I don’t like at least eight of them, but I can’t afford to be harsh in the cutting process, I’m dangerously distant from a decent support network.

Even after setting lenient entry conditions for my love gang, I’m still a glaring eight friends short of emotional well-being.

Suddenly, all my problems can be explained. No wonder I get depressed every Sunday afternoon, I’m too much of a Billy-barely-ten-mates to cope.

I

DELECTABLE DEPP: Oh alas. How I wish he was my friend too Mummy Vanstone can’t be expected to drag me through the quagmire of heartbreak, hurt and disappointment almost alone now can she?

But wait, the Oxford English Dictionary defines a friend as ‘a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection, and loyalty.’

It doesn’t say anything about the feeling having to be reciprocated. Perfect.

I should be able to wheedle my way up to eighteen close friends by exploiting this flaw. Johnny Depp, for starters, brings me up to eleven close friends.

Yes, close – I like him a lot. Loyalty may be a problem. For the sake of my own emotional welfare I will have to assume that Johnny doesn’t mind me

watching films in which he does not appear.

Using this cunning stratagem I can zoom way past eighteen friends and into the low thirties. Admittedly many of my new close friends are fictional characters from TV sitcoms, six are cartoons, and one is a detective dog, but they still count.

I feel sorry for those of you without the eighteen close friends required.

Hell, from my friend-saturated vantage point, I even feel sorry for those of you languishing around the low twenties.

And I know Johnny, Mummy and Scooby feel for you too. I wouldn’t have them in my love gang if they didn’t.

t’s finally here. The moment so many of us have been waiting for all summer. Freshers’ year is under way; a whole nine months of, well, who knows what. But there is one thing that we have come to know fairly quickly, and that is the low opinion of freshers’ and their antics held by some no longer in their first year.

One opinion printed last week cited freshers’ week as a hyped up circus serving no purpose at all other than to get drunk, get laid and make a fool of yourself. Well if that is the only bit of freshers’ you remember, evidently you had a blinder. But there is more than that. Let me take you back...

The car-door opens and there you are. Moving into what will be your home for the next year, and what will soon be a simmering cess pit of bacteria - freshers flu is not a pretty sight.

However, you don’t yet know this.

Butterflies of nervousness and naivety flutter in your belly and you find yourself asking, what the hell am I doing here? This is relieved somewhat as you discover that your flatmates aren’t complete freaks and you’re suddenly bombarded with new information, aka getting to know each other.

Do you remember when this constituted of names, degree courses, home towns and what we studied at A-level?

By the end of the night we’re all having a group hug whilst telling each other that we’re the nicest people we’ve ever met. This is perhaps the one and only time you can make instanta-

neous best friends without knowing anything about them. It’s a chance to let down barriers, re-invent yourself if you like. Be who ever you want to be.

At its simplest, freshers’ week is about getting pissed and having a laugh. But it’s also, and perhaps more so, about a diversity of people and experiences that many have never, and will probably never again come across in one place.

So next time you see a fresher inebriated beyond belief, or wandering around the corridors with a quizzical expression on their face, please don't laugh and point. Don’t send us in the wrong direction. Just remember that we're new to all this. We're excited and nervous. And currently having the best time of our lives. It wasn't so long ago that you were there too.

ne

O Any

oP Any IN IO N me i t Any

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Letters

Page 10

October 17 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE!

The gair rhydd letters page Thank you for all your letters this week. If your letter does not appear today, I will try and include it in next week’s issue. Anyway, moving on swiftly, have any of you noticed the rain this week? I got well and truly soaked yesterday. Does anybody know why it rains so much in Cardiff?

If so, let me know. I am a curious (and sad) person. Menon

Rennison’s Retort WITH REGARD to Adam Harbinson's letter of last week, I just wanted to say that I understand and partly agree with Mr Harbinson's views voiced last week.

Just a couple of things: read my article again, and you should see that I said that the '74-'75 bombing campaign started 'just down the road' from me, not the entire political situation itself.

As for the idea of Ian Paisley having merely a 'slight tiff' with the IRA, I was going for the old-fashioned understatement, though I apologise if you read that as demonstrating the ignorance of mainland Britain.

I agree that understanding terrorism is the key to controlling and defeating it, and I was not implying that we should turn a blind eye, but rather pointing out that previous terrorism has been battled through without the relative degree of social panic seen today, and we should learn from this bit of history.

Oh, and as for it all being poorly written in general: well yeah, but you can't expect anything Shakespearean in quality to be written during Freshers' week.

Regards, Andrew Rennison

Grammared MY FINAL Fresher’s [sic] Week is over. As a third year English Language Studies student I was thinking of joining the newly

text

formed LANGCOMM Society.

This would finally be the place I could meet like-minded English students with whom I could socialise with, anguish over the next coursework deadline with and perhaps we could have a few drinks along the way, at one of the many planned pub crawls that this society boasts.

Obviously I was excited.

Then today I received an e-mail that crushed my hopes and excitement. This e-mail was so full of grammatical mistakes that I had to read it twice. There was no punctuation, spelling mistakes, words missing and it just did not make any bloody sense.

I laughed out loud. Twice.

Now, through my own admittance I am a stickler for grammar, after all I have spent the last two years of my life learning every intricate detail of it, so I thought perhaps I was just being an arse. So I called my fellow housemates together and they too read the email. Twice. They too laughed out loud. Twice. The mistakes were so blatant that I had to wonder how the author of this e-mail was still at university, let alone on a course dedicated to the study of the English Language and acting as the face of the new LANGCOMM Society. The author of this e-mail represents, to all the new and unsuspecting members of this society, what can be achieved after two years of conscientiously studying the English Language. It wants to make me cry [sic].

I must end on a direct quote that summarises the grammatical massacre that was this e-mail.

“For those of you who are NOT

07791165837

YET MEMBERS is this e-mail has convinced you how AMAZING WE ARE then? Don’t forget updates will always be available in the Humanities notice board on the 5th.”

Luckily the e-mail has far from convinced me. I say lucky as I have no idea how to get into a notice board.

Yours, a grammatically competent English Language Student

Hardly a fresh and varied selection I must say.

The opening of a new Tesco's on Salisbury can only benefit the residents of Cathays, both students and local's, as they will no longer have to pay inflated prices for inferior goods.

Yours A.P. 4th Year Tesco Share Holder

GEORDIE SAYS: “You’re such a stickler for grammar, you can’t even get the apostrophe in the correct place on “Freshers’ week”, or that a sentence requires, as a minimum, a subject and a verb. Not like this.

People in glass houses and all that...”

MENON SAYS: I see your point but there are too many Tesco stores in Cardiff already. I think a smaller firm should be given the chance to improve services on Salisbury Road. You cannot judge all small firms on the example of T & A.

Every Little Helps

NUS Wales letter

IN RESPONSE to Dave Menon's article entitled 'Cardiff: a town full of Tesco's?' I was wondering whether the author has ever bought any products from any of the other shops on Salisbury Road?

A very popular misconception is that the demise of the 'local shop' can only be bad for a community. That maybe the case if the community in question happens to be Emmerdale or somewhere rural like that, but in Cathays, where nobody knows each other, does it really matter if we get a friendly welcome in the shop or not?

Which, invariably, in T & A stores and the other shops on Salisbury road, you do not.

Secondly, Mr. Menon states in his article that 'Stores like Tesco are compromising on quality to fill their pockets.' I, as i'm sure many other people will, disagree with this statement. In most Tesco's, you can purchase items at very competitive prices, and they are always fresh.

However, in stores such as T & A, for example, items are sold at inflated prices, and are, more often than not, on or passed their sell by dates. Has the author of this article ever purchased vegetables from T & A stores?

I am writing in response to a number of points which Dan Ridler makes in his Editorial piece in this week’s gair rhydd.

In his editorial, Dan Ridler states there is a "vacuum of space to be filled" following James Knight’s resignation. While James was a formidable debator and had an encyclopaedic knowledge of issues that affect the student movement, there are clear systems in place to ensure that should a President, for whatever reason, be unable to fulfil their role, the Deputy President will assume their responsibilities. I have taken on the role of Acting President since James’ resignation and will continue to represent NUS Wales and the students of Wales until a new President is elected on November 12th.

While I agree that no constitution could be nominated for the Booker Prize, I have to disagree with some of the points Dan makes about NUS Wales’ constitution. He is correct to point out that Standing Order 1.0 a) i) calls for 35 working days notice to be given, however he neglects clause 13.14.2 in the main body of the Constitution which states: Casual vacancies arising for whatever reason after the end of Spring

Conference and before the closing dates for notice of business for Winter Council shall be filled by election at Winter Council.

As the closing date for notice of business for Winter Council was 2pm Monday 10th October 2005, the elected representatives of the NUS Wales Steering Committee, along with the NUS UK Elections Committee have agreed that the decision to hold a byelection at NUS Wales’ Winter Council on 12th November is not unconstitutional. They have also agreed that 28 working days (39 Calendar days) is sufficient time for a candidate to make the decision to stand. I am sorry that Cardiff Union’s President feels that this renders an important by-election simply "an unconstitutional popularity contest".

Surely it is in the best interests for the student movement in Wales to have a new President elected as soon as possible.

James Knight’s resignation saddened everyone in NUS Wales. James has been involved in the student movement for many years and has served the students of Wales as an Executive Officer at Cardiff University Students’ Union, NUS South East Wales Area Convenor, Deputy President and President. In each of these roles, James has gone above and beyond the call of duty and I would like to place on record publicly NUS Wales’ thanks for the work he had done.

Sarah Brown Acting President, NUS Wales

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

letter of the week Why does toast always land butter-side down...? have you been pegged?

Katie holmes: not ugly but looks like she’s had a stroke.

You luton scum will pay.

Enjoy it while you can Watford will destroy u!

French Horn: fruit juice is only 33p a carton. so buy your own.

Big pink gay on the loose in roath!

The cabinet is wriiten by a prick.

Lecturers should be able to speak english!

What do you call a band who hasn’t brushed their teeth for a week? Super Furry Enamels. Ed x

How many times do i have to read the word Goodman on the news page? Cult personality?

Kel walks like a womble

...i think i’m lost..

It’s not fair!

I'm an international student who graduated this year. But I am finding it increasingly difficult to find a job.

After doing my London A-levels, I was chosen to study at Cardiff uni. In the past 3 years my parents have spent over £30,000 for tuition fees alone (excluding accommodation and living costs...not to mention the same amount spent for my sister as well, who is at Imperial College).

We have to pay a heck of a lot as international students (£9,990 a year for sciencebased courses). The irony is, after spending all that money

(we even had to sell our house!) to get my degree, I find it nearly impossible to get a job over here. This is because I'm outside the EU and need a work permit to work in the UK. About 80% of employers in the UK do not offer work permits for international students.

Even the employers who do offer permits will only consider exceptionally bright students (because employers themselves must apply for a work permit on our behalf). It looks like they simply can’t be bothered, it is much easier for them to employ a British student.

With a BSc in a science subject and a 2.2, I guess I represent a lot of international stu-

dents in my situation. My student visa expires soon and then I'll have to bugger off to my home country, Sri Lanka, and probably do some unsuitable, low paid job (which i really don’t deserve after coming all this way!).

I want to study further for a Masters, but my finances are exhausted (this is robbery!). I think the UK government should be more lenient on international students and not rip us off so much. They rely too much on our tuition fees to fund themselves.

It’s not fair is it??

Yours, Kenny

TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT!

Comment

October 17 2005

Page 11

geordie@gairrhydd.com

The chewing gum on the shoe of opinion

Doesn’t smell sweet to me...

T

he Winter Solstice. The time of year when we have fewer hours of Sunlight than any other, and as a consequence, when the Incas of South America celebrate the Inti Raymi, an entreaty to the Sun not to continue fading, but to return.

When the conquistadores came, and shortly afterwards the ideas of Copernicus, Galileo and Newton, teaching the Incas about the Earth’s orbit of the Sun and the tilt that causes the summer and winter solstices, the custom should have been discontinued as pointless. It continues to this day, near Cuzco in Peru.

Peru might not be home to the most educated people in the world, but nor is it some sort of backwater; they do have schools and will learn about simple astronomy and that lack of prayers to the Sun God won’t result in eternal darkness. But they persist, refusing to accept the evidence.

Of course, some of it could persist solely due to cultural tradition. But it reminded me of Intelligent Design, the pseudoscientfic new Creationism trying to force its way into American schools.

There, you see, are similar occurrences in the monotheistic religions that dominate world faith. It all falls down at Genesis. The head of the Creation Truth Foundation, Thomas Sharp, admits that if the legitimacy of Genesis is lost, then Christianity is fairly well screwed. (For the simple reason that if one accepts that Genesis is allegorical, one must also accept that the rest of scripture could – could – also be a metaphor, and then it’s reduced to a matter of interpretation, my interpretation being that it’s mostly propaganda.)

Taken literally, the story of Genesis, like the possibility of the Sun disappearing, is demonstrably untrue. There is immeasurable and incontrovertible evidence that contradicts it: fossil records and so on that support evolution, astronomical evidence and so on,

2 G J

IHAD! Sorry. But it seems to be the only way to get what you want. Terrorism works, you see. It works so well that Burger King will change the design of their ice-cream lids under threat of a personal Jihad.

The lids happen to vaguely resemble the Arabic word for ‘Allah’.

Instead of thinking “Ooh, how strange, those ice-cream lids look a little bit like the Arabic for ‘Allah’” and getting on with it, one Muslim demanded they be changed and threatened the store with violence.

Idiot.

Try it yourself: next time you’re waiting for a Whopper at 2am, say

that all come from legitimate scientific theories. Scientific theories (usually) are dropped quicker than a cokesnorting model if observations fail to match predictions. Not religious belief. That is steadfastly adhered to, as in the case of the Incas’ Inti Raymi ceremony, or the evidence is ignored completely ("Lalala not listening to you") or other more favourable evidence is fabricated. (An English teacher in Pakistan told a friend that Hell has been scientifically proven to exist. That’s the first I’ve heard of it, and after four years of Astrophysics you’d think it might’ve cropped up…)

Or sometimes, the position shifts very slightly, and creationists – faith-

fully clinging to the last desperate gasps of hope like the remnants of the Nazi party in their bunker - admit that maybe Genesis isn’t exactly entirely literal and evolution did possibly happen, but the stuff that makes up our bodies and brains was designed to evolve: ‘Intelligent Design’. Fine.

Speculate how you like on your own time, but don’t try to teach it as an alternative to evolutionary science, as Mr Bush seems to want to do. Or even, for that matter, as an equal partner.

Scientific theories can be tested, and discounted if they are patently inaccurate or accepted if predictions fit observation and are reproducible (read that last bit again – it’s important).

Intelligent Design cannot.

It doesn’t even stand up logically.

Plato would’ve demolished it before breakfast. If the proponents of ID insist that life is so complex (irreducibly) that it must have been designed, then surely they cannot accept that the Designer arose spontaneously, and without design, as it’s an obvious self-contradiction. So if we were so complex that we must have been designed, then the more complex Designer must have, in turn, been designed by something even more complex.

If the legitimacy of Genesis is lost Christianity is fairly well screwed This is an example of the kind of reductio ad absurdum best illustrated by the Homunculus Fallacy.

‘Animalcules’ were discovered in sperm by Nicolas Hartsoeker in 1694.

It was suggested, by a group that became known as the ‘spermists’, that these were little men (homunculi) that were implanted into a woman, grew and were born. However, if sperms were little men, they must also have sperms which are little men who must also… ad infinitum. Which is ridiculous. This is essentially the same situation as Intelligent Design – the problem is explained by a smaller or larger version of that which it attempts to explain.

Creationism, whether in its strict form or the shiny new quasiscientific version (Creation Lite), is both unscientific and illogical (allogical?), and has less business being in schools than Ian Huntley. I’d love to go to America to point this out to Mr Bush, but I don’t want to risk falling off the edge of the world. I’ll have to wait until Christmas and hitch a lift on Rudolph.

CREATION: I don’t Adam and Eve it seconds, I want it now and I want it free.” And if they refuse, threaten a Jihad, and the manager will be cowering under the counter within seconds.

Unless they’re not scared at all and it’s a load of politically correct nonsense, that is.

The Daily Mirror last week hosted the Pride of Britain Awards. After fake photos of prisoner abuse, celebrityhounding, telling people to vote for Labour at the last General Election and generally being gits, this blew the lid right off the Irony Detector.

A CHRISTIAN GROUP (the same too-easily-offendable losers that complained about Jerry Springer: The Opera) are trying to get reciting part of the Koran banned under the new Incitement to Relious Hatred act.

The group claims it demands violence against Infidels. Have they read Revelations? It’s not all exactly sweetness and light now, is it? What was that other bit, now? Something about glass houses and not throwing stones?

STILL, AT LEAST they don’t employ Richard Littlejohn. But then, neither does the Sun any more, after the rancid little bile-peddler downed-tools rather than work out his contract until May, when he joins the Mail.

It’s a bit of a worry, really. The Sun can be dismissed as a comic, a bit of a laugh, whereas otherwise intelligent people read the Mail (in the absence of an middlemarket, left-wing tabloid). So people might actually take the vile, hate-preaching racist

seriously. Wouldn’t have expected him to strike, though. Not very Tory of him at all.

The Tories will be out in force tonight (that’s last Thursday to you) to celebrate Margaret Thatcher’s 80th birthday. Opinion of Thatcher depends more on political affiliation/belief than anything else, so the event has been reported in the nationals like this: “The former ____ (Conservative Prime Minister/Spawn of the Devil) Lady Thatcher _____ (just won’t drop dead/celebrates her 80th birthday tonight) with a party in central London attended by _____ (the Queen and Prince Phillip/some parasites).”

My own view: she’s a bit like Herpes simplex - fucking nasty and you can never totally get rid of it.

Quote: “Common sense is merely a set of prejudices acquired before age 18” - Albert Einstein

DELIGHT

T

he decision was a simple one: would the EU become an inclusive, open-doors institution welcoming all applicants that meet the minimum criteria and welcome Turkey’s application, or would it become what many were calling a ‘Christian Club’, which for me invokes images of a modernised, Brusselscentric version of the Holy Roman Empire.

The (British-led) pro-Turkey argument came down to one point: that the admission of a predominantly Muslim state into the Union would show that the West isn’t engaging in some sort of ‘War on Islam’, would help to develop better relations with an Islamic world that mostly hates us, would bridge the cultural divide just as Turkey herself geographically bridges Europe and Asia. Like some sort of Foreign Policy panacea.

Absolute nonsense, of course, the lot of it.

Turkey has been eyeing up membership for a very long time and has had to fundamentally change, culturally, to stand a chance of membership.

Recognition of Cyprus, abolition of Capital punishment, demands to improve the national Human Rights record – Turkey is becoming steadily more westernised and losing touch with the world that the British Government so wishes to appease, and will be seen by many as complicit in a new cultural Imperialism based on the ‘soft power’ of Europe rather than ‘hard power’ of the US. The people Blair’s government is trying to convince do not want to join us, they want to beat us. We will not see improved relations between the Arab nations and the EU, instead, her co-religionists will wash their hands of Turkey, rather like a Sa’id marrying outside her caste is so often ostracised by the family. Or, perhaps more appropriately, like a young suicide bomber seeking only the approval of his peers and being corrupted by them is posthumously disowned by friends and family.

After Austria, the main opponents of membership were France and Germany. The latter countries were notably opposed to the Iraq war, and while France has had some problems with Terrorism mostly as a result of their Imperial days in Algeria, Germany has been relatively safe recently. When even the two countries that are probably deemed to be the least anti-Islamic and Imperialist of the most powerful countries in Europe oppose the admission of a chiefly Muslim nation, it suggests a continent-wide Islamophobia. Britain’s pro-Turkey stance therefore is seen as what it is: a transparent ploy to woo the Arab world ("I’m not racist – some of my best friends are coloureds"), and we risk further alienating those very people with whom we’re trying to curry favour with such shameless and blatant fawning.

Politics

Page 12

October 17 2005

politics@gairrhydd.com

INDIGESTIBLE TURKEY

By George Tsangaris Political Correspondent

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urkey this month made a massive step forward in their search for an identity between the Islamic and European worlds. Their forty-year wait for the realisation of their dream of ‘Europeanisation’ finally began to draw to a close with the European Union formally recognising Turkey as an EU candidate state.

What shocked the world -principally Europeans who never really took Turkey’s possible candidature and hard work seriously - is that they never expected their EU ambitions to get this far. Not necessarily a bad thing, depending on your views.

Many countries fear that the accession of Turkey will allow increased Islamic involvement in Europe.

Austria in particular is concerned, having made last minute demands for a clause to create ‘privileged partnerships’ effectively full membership without the voting rights. Even compared to high EU public hostility to Turkey, ninety percent of Austrians oppose Turkish membership; they have even started using two failed attempted Ottoman sieges of Vienna in medieval times to symbolise their antagonism.

France, meanwhile, demands Turkey recognise the Armenia genocide of 1915 and fears that Turkish membership would disrupt the fragile balance of power in the European Parliament, and the powerful FrancoGerman axis. Germany’s position won’t be decided until its prolonged election battle is finally drawn to a close, but could potentially also be hostile to Turkish membership.

On the other extreme end of the EU

come the countries that support Turkey, like the UK. Despite having only forty-five percent of the public’s support, it is still one of the highest opinion ratings in the whole Union.

With a mix of economic pragmatism and the British way of seeing enlargement as a way to slow down the deepening of European integration, the UK is a natural ally. Greece once seen as Turkey’s rivalling neighbour is now Turkey’s champion, with hopes of political cooperation on policies of tourism, environment and economic exchanges.

Strangely even Cyprus, partly occupied by Turkey, is not completely against Turkish membership as a European Turkey would bring about a solution to the reunification of the island’s divided communities. Turkey will have to recognise Cyprus’ sovereignty before joining; failure to do so

will be exploited in an attempt to derail Turkey’s membership.

Europe is up in arms questioning this looming enlargement, as is Turkey which experienced anti-EU riots in Ankara last week. Turkish support for their membership has fallen from seventy percent to sixty and sinking fast.

Ultimately for Turkey, EU membership will end their search for identity confirming their status as Europeans.

The drawback? Some fear membership will detract from their culture. To the EU, Turkey has the X-Factor which whispers the possibility of a European army, a huge market and the bridging of Eastern and Western cultures.

Turkey’s negotiations are not a walk in the park but a marathon requiring plenty of training. Alterations to the penalcode are a start but more is needed, like further improving the treatment of Kurds and other human rights topics

such as free speech.

Inside the EU, there remains one massive question that no-one has really confronted yet: the massive public hostility.

The Constitution was a massive failure because there was a rupture between the direction the public wanted the EU to be taken, and where Union elites were taking it. If the concerns of the public are not addressed before talks with Turkey advance, then the EU will only be storing up trouble for itself in the future.

No one can be sure of Turkey’s future in Europe. But whether it is granted full membership or ‘partnership,’ we should welcome Turkey to the so-called ‘Christian Club’. One thing is for sure: the opening of negotiation talks with Turkey will divide Europe even more deeply than the war over Iraq.

Life after Kilroy

By Andrew Rennison Political Correspondent

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ISLAM: Unwelcome in the Christian Club?

ixteen months ago, the UK Independence Party achieved something slightly remarkable following the European elections. Securing twelve seats in the EU Parliament, they became the first British political movement for a long time to be both significantly right-wing and on the up.

With three successive losses to an increasingly inept Labour government, the Tories have been far from fashionable for a good few years now. The BNP might continue to make headlines but all that means is that they’re popular with those further to the right than Sun readers. Labour itself, moving further to the right day by day, were only ascending when they were still left-wing – back in the time of Brit Pop, Tamigotchis, and Power Rangers.

So what’s happened to UKIP since that famous Euro victory? Not a lot of good, would be the simple answer.

Most will remember that within months the party was waking up to the fact that, far from being content with his EU seat and figurehead status, Robert Kilroy-Silk did in fact want to take over the universe.

Being a member of only the fourthstrongest party in perhaps only the fourth-strongest nation in the universe, Robert saw that this was no foundation for his Kilroy Empire. He thus quit his party and set up his own, Veritas – which means ‘truth’ in Latin and ‘I want to be God’ in Greek. His leadership has since withered and died.

In quitting UKIP however, Kilroy dragged the party through a sizeable field of mud, prolonging his exit as

KILROY: Like UKIP, but different

much as possible, piling up the negative tabloid headlines as he did so. This drama tore up UKIP, showing its unsteadiness in a crisis. So just like every other party then.

Indeed, such commonplace symptoms shouldn’t be enough to silence a political party altogether. But it appears that since his departure UKIP simply haven’t found the feet that they had when Mr Kilroy-Silk was onboard.

Where have the vehement dissenting voices gone every time the EU

Kilroy wanted to take over the universe makes another curious ruling?

Recently, for example, when Brussels ruled that our prisoners had the right to vote: you would expect UKIP to start flying the anti-Europe flag. But these days such criticism is left largely to the notoriously openminded people that make up the Daily Mail.

This lack of presence came home to roost in the general election, with UKIP failing to acquire a single Parliamentary seat. Last Saturday’s conference was therefore looked at as a chance to rally the party faithful. Yet things just got worse with the party chairman Petrina Holdsworth resigning the week preceding it.

Despite this, the UKIP summit did carry a slight air of defiance and even hope, with their leader Roger Knapman receiving a standing ovation upon his entrance. The reason for this may well be Kenneth Clarke.

Nothing would suit UKIP better than a pro-Europe Tory leader, as such a result would drive anti-EU Tory voters to the only remaining Euro-sceptic party.

With David Davis’s recent failings at the Tory conference, it may well turn out to be third time lucky for Mr Clarke and the party leadership.

So it may seem despite lying in a comatose state for months, UKIP may soon be resuscitated back to political life.

Health

October 17 2005

Page 13

health@gairrhydd.com

Health looks at the ‘ins and outs’ of body piercing and lets you know what to do, where to have it done, and what not to do afterwards

HEALTH’S TOP TIPS !"Infection is more common in mouth and nose piercings because of the proximity of the millions of bacteria that live in these areas. !"Oral piercings can eventually cause long term damage to the teeth and gums. !"You must ask your doctor for individual advice if you are or may be pregnant or have medical conditions such as diabetes or allergies. !"Make sure that you are up to date with your immunisations, especially tetanus and hepatitis C. !"You need to be registered with a GP, just in case you need care that the piercing studio cannot offer after the event. !"In the initial healing period, do not touch your piercing without washing your hands first. That’s just asking for trouble. Unwashed hands are the most common way of spreading infection. !"Be aware that certain organisations will not accept blood donations from people with piercings as the procedure can transmit blood-borne diseases. !"Salt soaks are the tried and tested aftercare method but some people find tea tree oil or liquid anti-septic helps. Check with your piercer or doctor before using.

Never use hydrogen peroxide or surgical spirits- even if you know someone who swears by it. You will be doing your body more harm than good, and adding weeks if not months to your healing time. !"DO NOT let a friend do it for you – always get it done professionally, for your own sake.

Professional piercers are trained in first aid and know exactly what to do should something go wrong.

You will also know exactly where to find them should you be unfortunate enough to need urgent aftercare.

The hole truth

By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor

B

ody piercing is a rapidly growing industry in the UK, with hundreds of new piercings being performed by studios in the UK every week.

A lot of students, whether new or old, are among this number for many reasons; celebrating their new independence, enjoying the opportunity to have a body modification before entering the world of work or just because they want to stand out from the crowd.

There are seemingly endless places on the body that can be ‘poked’, from ears to eyebrows, navels to your nether regions. Although the idea of having a new piercing can be quite tempting, it’s important to think about it before trotting down to the nearest studio and handing over your cash.

Although it may seem like a good idea right now, in the future you may grow to hate your piercings; they could put off employers (although in this day and age it’s quite possible to buy retainers for most piercings that hide the holes quite respectably). You could also be unlucky enough to get an infection, which is no fun whatsoever. This can lead to scarring, even when the jewellery is taken out and allowed to heal. Even then, this could do more harm than good- the jewellery can sometimes act as a drain for all the nasty goop coming out of the wound and taking it out could lead to more problems.

Keloids, or bumps of scar tissue, are the result of overgrowth of connective tissue of the skin after trauma. Some people are just prone to them; especially those of African heritage.

Although the majority of piercings will heal completely, with little to no infections or other nastiness, it’s important to research your chosen piercing carefully. Take into consideration your general health - if you are run down, wait until you are feeling better (you’ll need all those little antibodies if

you get an infection).

If you have a skin condition, piercing can sometimes cause it to flare up around the site of the jewellery. Also take into consideration the positioning of the piercing - it makes sense not to get an ear piercing on the side you sleep on. Most piercings will migrate through the skin to some degree so also take this into consideration.

Always remember to take it out before

you plan to use. www.bodyjewelleryshop.co.uk: serves as a good guide (with pictures) to show you what one of these studios should look like. It also offers a comprehensive history of body piercing.

After you have thought it through and decided on what you want to have done (and checked out the piercer’s credentials and settled on a studio), it’s important that you make sure that you

keeping the piercing clean is essentiala fresh piercing is a wound and is easily infected. Most reputable studios will give you written aftercare instructions anyway.

Wash your hands before touching the area around the jewellery as most infections start this way. If you notice any deterioration, increasing the cleaning regime to three to four times a day should help. If you are suffering from swelling around the piercing, make sure the bar/ring has room to accommodate it and go back to your piercer if necessary-most will be happy to give advice. Sometimes changing the jewellery itself can allieviate the problem.

Taking ibuprofen should also help get rid of any swelling, as well as crushed ice in a clean plastic bag, or dampened paper towels put in the freezer for twenty minutes. The good news is so long as you keep it clean and dry, any infection should go down as quickly as it appeared. The important thing to remember is if you are in any doubt as to what to do with an infected piercing, go to your doctor or back to the piercing studio immediately to ask their advice on the matter.

AFTERCARE

PIERCING FETISH: Hello ladies... it grows out or you’ll be left with a scar.

Check out resources such as: www.bme.freeq.com: one of the largest body modification sites on the web, with thousands of pictures, experiences and a modification ‘encyclopaedia’ that has the answer to all your questions (and if not, you can mail them and get a qualified piercer to e-mail you back).

You could even check out what other people think about the studio that

are comfortable with the person piercing you and the procedure involved.

Eat something before going to maintain a steady blood sugar level or you could pass out. If you are having anything other than the lobes of your ears pierced, do not allow the piercer to use a piercing gun - they are not designed to pierce anything else but you earlobes and can cause major problems if used elsewhere, especially on cartilage. You should be pierced by a new, fresh, sterilised needle. Afterwards,

! Use a solution of salt and freshly boiled and cooled water.

Apply this gently to the piercing, especially around the exit points using cotton buds or soaked clean cotton pads. Any crusting or body fluids should come off easily. Dry the area thoroughly using a clean tissue. ! You can then apply two or three drops of dilute tea tree oil to the entry and exit points. Leave this on for two or three minutes, then gently wash off with the salt solution and dry the area. ! Gargle with salt solution for tongue or labret/lip piercings, or use a solution of anti-septic mouthwash and boiled water (50/50).

This routine twice a day should lead to a nicely healed piercing.

Health investigates the precautions that must be taken before allowing anyone near you with a large needle and some anaesthetic

By Adrian Raudaschl Health Correspondent

C

ontrary to popular belief, body piercing isn't actually a very new or modern fad.

Even British royalty have had it done – Prince Albert famously had his penis pierced, so that he could disguise his bulge when the fashion called for men to wear skin-tight trousers.

Body piercing is still seen as controversial despite having been around for centuries. Ear, nose and lip ornaments are actually ancient forms of adornment and beautification.

However, you must consider your long-term social and professional future – piercings are still viewed as anti-social, and while body art may be appealing right now you will have to

ask yourself: Will you love it for the rest of your life? Could it affect your career path further down the line?

Whether you have decided to take the plunge or are still contemplating it, it is very important that you do your research. When searching for a piercer, choose somebody who has a good reputation. Usually they will belong to a professional body, like the Association of Professional Piercers and are trained in first aid – ask them first.

Visit their studio and have a chat, this person could potentially be punching holes in your body so make sure you can trust them.

In the age of AIDS, cleanliness is taken very seriously - their workspace must look hygienic and tidy (including the staff), and should contain an autoclave to sterilise the equipment they

use. During your piercing, disposable needles should be used and handled with clean hands and disposable latex gloves by your piercer. If any of these are lacking, head for the door.

The average body piercing costs £25 and you should always insist on surgical-grade metals for all piercings until they are healed. An aftercare plan should be provided by your studio and depending on what you have had pierced, expect to wait four weeks to six months for a full recovery.

Remember, your safety is crucial if anything does not feel right, do not be afraid to back out. If you have any more queries check out www.safepiercing.com or speak to your local piercing studio, who should be happy to answer any of your questions.

SAFETY: always check out your piercer beforehand

Taf-Od

Tud 14

17 Hydref 2005

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Diffyg darpariaeth Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od

ddatblygu dull o weithredu sy’n fwy clir ar gyfer y dyfodol i wneud yn siwr fod pobl sy’n dioddef problemau iechyd meddwl yng Nghymru yn derbyn ansawdd y gofal y maen nhw’n ei haeddu’, meddai’r archwilydd.

D

DYDD LLUN diwethaf, 10 Hydref, cyhoeddwyd adroddiad gan Archwilydd Cyffredinol Cymru, Jeremy Colman, yn adolygu’r ddarpariaeth sydd ar gael i’r rheini sy’n dioddef salwch meddwl yng Nghymru.

Mae cymaint ag 1 ym mhob 4 ohonom yn dioddef salwch meddwl rywbryd yn ystod ein bywyd, ac ar hyn o bryd mae’n debyg mai dwy flynedd yw cyfartaledd yr amser y gall unigolyn aros cyn gweld arbenigwr.

Yn ôl John Griffiths, Dirprwy Weinidog Iechyd Cymru, mae’r Cynulliad yn cydnabod yr angen am ddiwygio’r ddarpariaeth bresennol.

Lluniwyd yr adroddiad diweddaraf ar gais Llywodraeth y Cynulliad, a hynny ddiwrnod yn unig wedi i elusennau iechyd y wlad megis Hafal, Depression Alliance Cymru a Mind Cymru leisio eu hanfodlonrwydd ynghylch y ddarpriaeth bresennol.

“Doedd neb yn ceisio eich cynghori a’ch helpu ynglyn â beth yw salwch meddwl” Yn ôl un person anhysbys, ‘roedd yn rhaid i mi fynd â’r person roeddwn yn gyfrifol amdano i’r ysbyty fy hun, gwneud penderfyniadau dros y bobl

“Mae gan wasanaethau i oedolion gydag anghenion iechyd meddwl ffordd bell i fynd”

Mae Afiechyd Meddyliol yn peri gofid i’r Cynulliad (mewnosod) am eu bod yn gwrthod gwneud a, gwaeth na hynny, doedd neb yn ceisio eich cynghori a’ch helpu ynglyn â beth yw salwch meddwl’.

Mae 44 corff comisiynu yn gweithredu yng Nghymru ar hyn o bryd, ond dywed yr elusennau hyn nad yw’r gwasanaeth maent yn ei gynnig yn un derbyniol, a’i fod yn dibynnu i raddau helaeth ar ba ran o’r wlad mae’r sawl sy’n dioddef yn byw ynddi. Felly maent yn galw ar y Cynulliad i sicrhau fod pob rhan o Gymru yn gallu

darparu gwasanaeth sy’n ddigonol, yn berthnasol i ofynion pob claf, ac yn wasanaeth sy’n cyrraedd safonau.

Ategir hyn gan yr adroddiad, a dywed Mr Colman y dylid amrywio’r gwasanaethau sydd ar gael i’r rheini sy’n dioddef salwch meddwl, ac yn eu plith ddarparu gwell gofal yn y gymuned yn ogystal ag yn y cartrefi gofal.

‘Dylai Llywodraeth y Cynulliad ddefnyddio casgliadau’r adroddiad hwn, ac adolygiadau allanol eraill, i

Er bod llunio’r adroddiad hwn yn gam pwysig ymlaen, ychwanegodd Mr Colman bod ‘gan wasanaethau i oedolion gydag anghenion iechyd meddwl ffordd bell i fynd’, a bod ’na berygl na fydd y gwasanaethau’n cyrraedd y targedau na’r safonau osodwyd gan y Cynulliad ar eu cyfer.

Dywedodd y Swyddog Iechyd, Dr Gibbons, ‘am gyfnod rhy hir dyw gwasanaethau iechyd meddwl ddim wedi derbyn y sylw y maen nhw’n ei haeddu’. Ac mewn datganiad cyhoeddodd y Cynulliad eu bod am fuddsoddi £5m ychwanegol yn y gwasanaethau iechyd, yn ogystal â chynllun gweithredu, er mwyn sicrhau eu bod yn derbyn y sylw haeddiannol.

‘Mae’r £5m dwi’n ei gyhoeddi heddiw yn gam ymlaen tuag at wella gwasanaethau i gleifion salwch meddwl yng Nghymru,’ meddai Dr Gibbons.

Adolygiad CD: Rhedeg i godi arian Tangwystl Gan Elain Llwyd Gohebydd Taf-Od

C

efais afael ar CD cyntaf Tangwystl, y band newydd ac ifanc o Gaerfyrddin, ar ôl eu set gwych yng Nghlwb Ifor Bach ar ddechrau’r mis, a chefais fy mhlesio’n fawr!

Wyth cân am £4! Ac wyth cân hyno d o dda hefyd, er nad yw’r gân ‘Coffi Cymraeg’ hanner cystal ar y CD ag y mae hi’n fyw.

Gallwn glywed fod gennym fand medrus tu hwnt yma, yn enwedig mewn caneuon fel ‘improv’.

Mae ‘Mabli’, sef cân sy’n deyrnged i gi y gitarydd, yn wirion o ‘catchy’, ac yn aros yn eich pen am oesoedd – "‘Pwy?’ ‘Y ci, y ci’!" (Byddech chi’n deall os ydych chi wedi gwrando ar y CD!) Gyda’r gymysgedd o roc, ffync a sacs, ceir tebygrwydd at ddyddiau cynnar Ashokan - ac nid yw hynny’n beth drwg o gwbl!

Pob lwc i Tangwystl yn y dyfodol.

MABLI: Un o’r caneuon yn deyrnged i gi’r gitarydd

Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od

A

R HYDREF 9, daeth miloedd o bobl ynghyd i Gaerdydd ar gyfer marathon a hanner marathon Caerdydd.

Hwn oedd y 4ydd tro i’r marathon gael ei gynnal yn y brifddinas, a 3ydd tro yr hanner marathon.

Roedd y tywydd yn berffaith ar gyfer y rhedeg, a oedd yn cychwyn, ac yn gorffen, yn Stadiwm y Mileliwm.

Mae’n debyg i’r digwyddiad achosi cryn drafferth trafnidiaeth i’r sawl a oedd yn ceisio mynediad i’r

Rhedwyr yn codi arian yn 4ydd marathon Caerdydd

brifddinas. Ond roedd pawb mewn perffaith hwyl wrth i un ar ol y llall groesi’r llinell derfyn.

Trefnwyd y marathon gan yr elusen Barnardos Cymru, gyda rhedwyr o bob cwr yn codi arian ar gyfer cannoedd o elusennau gwahanol, a nifer helaeth yno i gefnogi.

Ymhlith y rhedwyr oedd cynchwaraewr rygbi Cymru, Jonathan Davies, a oedd yn codi arian i’r elusen ‘Ap El’.

Nid oedd wedei cymryd rhan mewn marathon cyn hyn, ond dyma un o nifer o ddigwyddiadau tebyg y mae Jonathan yn gobeithio eu rhedeg dros y flwyddyn sydd i ddod.

Casglodd dros £250,000 cyn marathon Caerdydd, ac mae’n siwr y bydd y cyfanswm yn un uchel dros ben erbyn iddo orffen.

Cofrestrodd dros 7,500 o bobl ar gyfer rhedeg y ras eleni, nifer sy’n cynyddu o flwyddyn i flwyddyn.

Wedi llwyddiant y penwythnos, mae’n siwr y bydd ar gynnydd erbyn y flwyddyn nesaf eto.

Newyddion da yn wir i’r brifddinas ac i Gymru benbaladr, gyda miliynau ar filiynau o bunnoedd yn cael eu codi ar gyfer ei helusennau.

Marwolaeth E.coli Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od

M

AE’R CLEFYD E.coli wedi achosi marwolaeth bachgen yng Nghymoedd y De. Bu farw Mason Jones, a oedd yn bum mlwydd oed, ar ôl iddo ddioddef E.coli am dros wythnos. Derbyniodd driniaeth am y clefyd yn Ysbyty Plant Bryste, cyn iddo farw ddydd Mawrth diwethaf.

Aeth Mason i Ysbyty Tywysog Charles ym Merthyr Tudful gydag arwyddion yr haint bron i bythefnos yn ôl. Ond anfonwyd ef i’r ysbyty ym Mryste ar ôl iddo brofi cymhlethdodau gyda’i arennau. Roedd ei rieni wrth ei ochr pan gollodd ei frwydr yn erbyn clefyd e.coli yn ystod oriau mân fore dydd Mawrth.

Daeth marwolaeth y plentyn o bentref Deri, ger Bargoed yng Nghymoedd y De, yn ergyd drom i’r gymuned i gyd.

“Roedd yn hoff o ganu, ond deinosoriaid oedd ei ddiddordeb pennaf”

‘Bachgen hapus a medrus oedd Mason’, meddai ei fam-gu, Mair Jones. ‘Roedd yn hoff o ganu, ond deinosoriaid oedd ei ddiddordeb pennaf ’. Mae marwolaeth Mason yn drychineb enfawr i’r bobl a’i adwaenai.

Aeth Mason i Ysgol Gynradd Deri lle y byddai’n bwyta cinio yr oedd yr ysgol yn ei ddarparu. Y cwestiwn sy’n cael ei ofyn nawr yw a oes cysylltiad rhwng y ei farwolaeth a’r bwyd a fwytaodd yn yr ysgol.

Yn ôl Dr Brian Gibbons, y Swyddog Iechyd, mae angen gweithredu’n uniongyrchol er mwyn sicrhau nad yw’r clefyd yn ymddangos eto.

Er bod nifer achosion E.coli wedi codi i 158 erbyn hyn, cred Dr. Evans, o Wasanaeth Iechyd y Cyhoedd, fod achosion E.coli nawr o dan reolaeth.

‘Does ’na ddim berygl i unrhyw un arall yn y gymuned o ddal yr haint yma,’ meddai.

Ond nid yw hynny’n gysur i deulu Mason. Maen nhw eisiau atebion, ac yn gofyn am ymchwiliad swyddogol.

Er hynny, bydd hi’n amser hir cyn y daw’r awdurdodau o hyd i darddiad E.coli yn Ne Cymru.

Mason Jones, a fu farw o’r clefyd e.coli

Media

October 17 2005

Page 15

media@gairrhydd.co.uk

As a British animation hits number one at the US Box Office this week, Media looks at the place of animation today

Animation nation

By Josie Bunting Media Correspondant

Robin Lyons, the managing director of Siriol Productions didn’t follow suit and stayed to set up company Calon.

Calon (meaning ‘heart’ in Welsh), has also agreed to acquire the rights to several of Siriol’s projects, including Holly’s Helpline and Safehouse Hotel.

The Animation World Network, www.awn.com have reported the company are to go straight into production on the third series of Bobinogos for BBC Wales/Cbeebies.

Animation isn’t limited however to cartoons. BBC Online used animation technology to demonstrate the causes and process of the Asian Tsunami. The history section also has animation of World War One showing the Western Front, what London looked like before and after the Great Fire of London and key achievements of the Victorians.

A

ardman Animations who produced Morph, Creature Comforts and Chicken Run has this week lost many of its film sets, original sketchbooks and storyboards, in a fire at its Bristolbased production studio.

Sets from the new Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit film were all reported to be safe, although animation cells from the BBC’s Vision On, where the company took their name from, have been lost.

The character ‘Aardman’ was a superhero in the programme.

The Oscar-winning animators have played an important role in British animation. Set up in 1976 by Peter Lord and David Sproxton, Nick Park joined in 1985. Both Creature Comforts and Wallace and Gromit won the company Oscars in the 1990’s. Securing a deal with DreamWorks, feature film Chicken Run was a success when released in 2000.

The company is said to have a large archive because it wanted to allow young film-makers to learn form the techniques they used. Tony Hart, presenter of Take Hart which featured the character of Morph told The Guardian’s website : “ It’s like losing a chunk of history.”

British animation has a long history stretching back to 1895. It was then that the first animated production was made. The first animated film, Dolly’s

ADVERTISING

AARDMAN: An animated week for the company, waving goodbye to a studio and hello to £9.1m Toys appeared in 1901 as a mixture of live action and puppet animation.

PROPAGANDA At the start of the Second World War, animation shifted course and was used as propaganda. In America, the Disney studios were taken over by the military. The ‘shorts’ produced were

shown in Cinemas to educate the masses. It was seen as educational and moral material. A similar use of animation was taking place in Britain.

Tom Ware, Series Producer for ‘Animation Nation’ a BBC four documentary aired earlier this year told BBC Online : “ the early days of animation captured the imagination of an audience seeing it in a cinema,” he

added, “It’s essentially classless, animation doesn’t have the same baggage as the people used in films showing middle class people, telling working class people what to do”.

In the 1950s animated commercials were adapted from ‘shorts’ to 30 second adverts. With the start of commercial television, animators were in demand as their work was independent. Ware adds: “Animated commercials absolutely fit that brief because one person with a good idea can just go out and make it and they’re not reliant on committees or focus groups.”

Channel 4 has also been important to British animation. During the 1980s and 1990s it had its own animation commissioning editor, putting animation on par with programming such as drama and social affairs. Today, British animation is well regarded worldwide, alongside Aardman Animation, Brits Daniel Grieves, Alison Snowden and David Fine, have all won Oscars for their productions. The films Manipulation and Bob’s Birthday secured their wins.

WELSH ANIMATION Welsh animation is a relatively new industry. It began in 1981 with the formation of S4C, but today is estimated to produce twenty-five hours of animation a year. The industry hit its height of popularity when Siriol Productions produced hit cult-cartoon Superted which provided the company with a Bafta. Siriol, once based in Cardiff, has since relocated to Hammersmith.

A recent production, Sali Mali , narrated by actor Rhys Ifans with a theme-tune sung by Cerys Matthews has been successfully broadcast on Nickelodeon after debuting on S4C.

Modern advertising also uses animation to communicate. The NSPCC launched its ‘talk til it stops’ campaign on early this month. The adverts on television feature children with speech bubbles, repeated in an virtual town online at www.talktilitstops.org.uk.

Visitors to the website are able to click an interact with characters which use ‘lingubot’ technology to predict and select information to give to those involved with child abuse.

The NSPCC also used a campaign in 2002 called ‘cartoon boy’.

Launched to protect babies and toddlers , the animated child was seen to bounce back from attacks by his father, until a real child is lying unmoving on the floor.

Animation is also a popular choice for music videos and indeed artists such as the Gorillaz. In 2004 Franz Ferdinand were awarded best animation in a pop video at the Bradford Animation Festival (BAF).

The BAF is the U.K.’s largest and longest-running animation festival, a celebration of the very best new animation from around the world. It was established in 1994 and in 2004 the festival peaked with 1,065 entries. The awards are held from the 16-19th November and voting has now started online for favourite web animations.

For more information, visit www.baf.org.uk.

Media industries have popularised animation in recent years. With CGI technology animated characters are easily put in film, examples are Gollum in The Lord Of The Rings and new creatures in the Star Wars films.

Disney have made lucrative deals with Pixar to create animated blockbusters aswell as the Dreamworks studio who has been responsible for Shrek and Shrek 2.

Although the Bristol studios have gone up in smoke this week, Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the WereRabbit, made £9.1m on its opening weekend. What more motivation does the British Animation industry need to stay and thrive?

Free Stuff

Page 16

October 17 2005

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! An über-cool Mathmos light and the chance to see Jessica Alba in a bikini... I’m so good to you!

I FEEL like a bingo caller this week, what with all this drawing names out of a hat (or whatever). Thanks to my desperate pleas last issue, you’ve all taken note and are bashing at my inbox like a bunch of nutters. I never had so many begging letters to enjoy (and mock). Anyway, reason for feeling like a bingo bloke is that I’ve been picking out all the winners of the last few competitions - so watch this space next week to find out if you’re one of my chosen ones!

If you’re tired of being a loser then now is the time to start doing something about it. Simply pick out something you think might improve your life (even slightly) from my astonishing array of prizes and I could make you the happiest person alive. Ok. grab! isn’t quite like The Price Is Right or one of those other legendary gameshows Ant and Dec are resurrecting of late, but it’s not bad considering it’s run by a poor student like me. I don’t buy these prizes for you, ya know, I hassle scary PR people for them. See you next week!

DRIVE BY SCHOOLING GETTING BEHIND the wheel of a car for the first time can be a scary experience. Apart from the obvious risks of not being able to drive safely, it’s important to know how to do it well in order to impress your mates.

So where should you go when looking to build up your number of hours behind the wheel? Up step Cardiff’s premier student driving school, Bumps.

Founded by Keith Willicomb and built firmly upon the idea that learning to drive shouldn’t mean being shouted at on every turn, perhaps literally, and it’s always much better to look forward to something, eg: the pub, rather than dread it e.g., not the pub.

All of their instructors are DSA licenced and

you can even choose between male or female instructors, whichever you feel more comfortable with for your tuition. They offer a door to door service, which could prove useful as we’re in Cardiff and it’s coming up to winter, and their cars have dual controls, so you can’t do anything too wrong however much you try.

Best of all however, Bumps have taken it upon themselves to rather cleverly team up with your favourite student newspaper competitions page to offer you a rather spanking prize/give away.

On offer here kids is the chance to get your grubby mitts on 20 hours of straight talking driving tuition, as well as two extra hours on the day of your test itself.

GET INTO THE BLUE FIRST

W H E T H E R YOU’RE after the brand spankiest new trainers, the latest album release, or the hottest piece of totty on your course, if you’re one of those people that just have to get there first, this competition is right up your street.

Thanks to The Times Film First Movie Mania, you can see the hottest new movies in advance - yes, first - before any of your housemates get to the cinema before you and very annoyingly tell you the plot.

Exclusive to students around the country, The Times Film First Movie Mania screenings very conveniently run in conjunction with our student union shop - in exchange for two mastheads from The Times newspaper and a completed application form, you can receive two preview tickets for a screening from the Union shop.

Although these previews may not be quite the star-studded affairs in Leicester Square that you read about in the tabloids, they are pretty exclusive, and don’t require you to buy a designer dress to attend them. What’s more, the latest preview on offer features some fit celebs that are definitely worth taking a look at.

Into The Blue (15) is a high-stakes thriller starring the very sexy Jessica Alba and her even sexier (if you ask me) co-star, Paul Walker. Even though the latter might sound like someone you sit

next to in your dullest lecture, this guy is one of four young divers in the film who discover a legendary shipwreck rumoured to contain millions-worth of gold.

In an effort not to be annoying and tell you the bits of the film you don’t want to be told about, I won’t say much more except that the film gets particularly juicy and action-packed as soon as a group of dangerous smugglers arrive on the scene. Think lots of danger and suspense-thriller style stuff and you’ve got the general gist of it.

If you’d like to win one of four pairs of preview tickets for the film, plus some cool Into The Blue merchandise, email me ASAP at the comps address above.

Winners will be drawn and informed on October 17 ready for the preview on October 18. Good luck!

INTO THE BLUE, GUYS: Not her pants

As well as this they will chuck in all the neccessary materials for you to sit your theory and practical driving tests, the only downside is that they won’t sit the tests for you, you’ll need ot do that yourself.

All in all it’s a truely bountiful prize as it will cost you around 400 quid if you buy it, instead of winning it from us.

To be in with a chance of snatching the driving lessony goodness from my secret cave of full of goodies all you have to do is answer the following question via the usual email address: Who is the owner founder of Bumps driving

CRAZY NIGHTS,

CRAZY LIGHTS STUDENTS, INCLUDING myself, are always pretty impressed with any bit of technology that looks a little on the crazy side and can walk, talk or light up.

So, you guys will be glad to hear about a wee little invention that is the brainchild of funky light manufacturers, Mathmos.

If you thought the lava lamp you had when you were thirteen was cool, you’ll love this little baby. Named the Space Projector, this light projects cool graphics onto your walls and moves them around disco style - a perfect tool to transform that faded magnolia wallpaper into a retro vision perfect to chill out or party in.

There are loads of different graphics available that you can choose to project from one of these ultra-modern machines and they’re all available along with the projector itself at Mathmos retailers throughout the UK or www.mathmos.co.uk.

The Space Projector retails at £100, so this is definitely something that you won’t buy because you don’t need it - but that you’d love to have!

And, seeing as halls and the studentvilles of Cathays and Roath are housewarming central right now, I think this light is a luxury item that every party host (including myself) can get very excited about.

If you’d like to win the one and only Space Projector I’ve managed to get my hands on, enter in the usual way by emailing your details

and answer to the following question to the competitions address: What do Mathmos manufacture?

SP: Required in every student pad

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Problem Page

October 17 2005

Page 17

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: posties, penalties, poo and pulling one off!

HELLO, GIRLS, BOYS AND IN-BETWEENERS! Well, my page is very gay this week. No, really. I don’t say this in a pejorative or offensive way, of course. You know how I embrace everyone (and anyone). I just mean that there seem to be a lot of unfulfilled gay desires roaming around Cardiff. Saying that though, I reckon that there are far too many unfulfilled desires in the world anyway. F’instance, I was with my current bonk the other night and he said, ‘Amber darling, would you mind a bit of double penetration? My friend has been waiting behind the wardrobe door for an awfully long time.’ Now, I’m sure you don’t want the details, but I was absolutely appalled. Appalled that he’d never had the chance to enjoy a roast before, that is.

Lots of love, Amber, here for YOU. Xxx

Match of the Gay! Dear Amber, I WRITE WITH MUCH HASTE for I need your urgent advice on a problem that has left me confused, scared and somewhat angry. For you see, my sex life was until recently, fantastic,

with my partner prepared to indulge my every sexual whim upon my command.

Taking advantage of her good nature I decided to combine my love of sex with my other true passion in life, football. Picture the scene: it’s Saturday night and I’m feeling frisky, and both my partner and I are sufficiently aroused to indulge in the act.

Just as I finish the foreplay stage I realise it’s time for Match Of The Day. Not wanting to miss my beloved Man U’s thrilling 3-2 win over the mighty

Sex Wee!

Dear Amber,

AMBER SAYS:

I HAVE A SERIOUS problem. I live with four other lads, and I think I fancy one of them. One time I found a bag of Mr X’s dirty washing. I rummaged through the bag and managed to find a pair of his dirty boxers.

Rather than dropping them in disgust, I rubbed them all over my face and licked off the miniscule nuggets of filth.

And this is not the first time I've been tempted by my friend’s dirty personal belongings. One Sunday afternoon I crept into his room, and in his bin I found a used condom.

Undeterred by the slime, I tipped the salty contents towards my mouth and swallowed down his sex wee. How I wish he had done that inside of me!

I don't know what to do, Amber.

He's one of my best mates, but I just can't help the way I feel. I stand outside the shower when he's in there, listen to him wash and I find myself masturbating profusely.

Oh, how I could go on, but the more I think of him the bigger the bulge gets inside my pants.

So, Amber, should I risk all and tell him that I want to sodomise him so hard that I make him weep?

Should I tell him how I want him to ejaculate over my chest and into my hair, and then to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be OK? Please help me, Amber.

Yours faithfully, A confused (not gay) 3rd year.

Dear Confused, Well, I know how lovely the little granular bits of shit that nestle in boxers can be, but to be honest I think that rather than being so furtive about your lust, you’d be better off just marching into his room, John Thomas hard as a drain pipe, condom on (of course), jumping onto him and hoping he’s in a receiving mood.

And if that fails, why not try getting into the shower with him rather than just loitering behind the door like a LOSER. I hope that this advice helps you.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

Fulham, I ask my better half would it be okay if she let take me her in a ‘doggy fashion’ in the direction of the TV so I won’t miss any of the action.

She agrees and all is going well, I’ve a beer in one hand, a fag in the other, and the ashtray is resting neatly on her back. In short, I’m having the time of my life. Then something strange happened. In the 78th minute Giggs was taken off to be replaced by Christiano Ronaldo. This wasn’t so much the strange part, though. As Christiano’s sleek thighs started pumping into

Bulging Sack!

Dear Amber, OVER THE SUMMER my postman at home became rather friendly, knocking on the door to deliver mail which could easily fit through the letter box and giving me a wave when he saw me in my bedroom window. He became interested in my private life, asking me when I did my shifts at my at the local supermarket, so I could put his weekly shop through, or something.

I also had to endure a train ride with him into Birmingham (about half an hour away from home), when he

F ist of Fur y Dearest Amber, WHEN I WAS THREE years old my mother caught me ferociously pumping my fist to a Mongolian sex channel. She informed me that if I were to continue this feverish, habitual masturbation that I would eventually go blind.

Does this mean that former Home Secretary David Blunkett and Motown singer-songwriter Stevie Wonder are both wankers? How is the willy bone connected to the retina bone?

Yours, Tormented of Talybont (1st year Optometry)

action and his nimble feet started dancing around the like of Volz and Jensen, I suddenly found it impossible to concentrate. Instead my mind started to picture that it was Ronaldo bent double in front in front of me, and worse still, when I did ‘finish’, my thoughts were still very much with Christiano.

Now, every time I close my eyes I see his beautiful face in my mind, and when I touch my girlfriend’s hair I dream it is Christiano’s greased back locks that I touch. On a whim I even

bought my girlfriend a full Man U strip complete with ‘Ronaldo 7’ on the back so she can dress up in it, but I feel I can’t ask her to wear it. Is this weird?

I desperately need your help.

Love, Phil N.

'happened' to be on the same train as me. He did the whole 'is this seat taken' trick even though I had moved into a carriage further down that the one he went into and I was too polite to say no.

I was just about to move back to Uni and so I was hoping that this fuss would all stop.

Then the letter came.

Not a letter actually to my new house, but my mother has kindly forwarded my post to me here in Cathays.

I couldn’t believe it. The Postman had written on the back "Hope all is going well in Cardiff. All the best, your Postie".

That’s not normal, surely? What can I do now he knows where I live now?!

Anon, 3rd year.

AMBER SAYS:

AMBER SAYS: Dear Phil, Yeah, Xtiano is quite fit, isn’t he?

Hope this helps.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

Dear Anon, Well, aren’t you lucky? Admirers all over the c(o)untry! If I were you I’d revel in it. You’re only young once and to be honest you never know where your next orgasm is going to come from (your own hands excluded). He seems to like the epistolery form of courtship - I bet he’d shag you in his uniform, too - so maybe you should start writing saucy letters back. You know the sort of thing. Start by not being too filthy - just say how much you like fellating or something - and see where it gets you. Sooner or later I’ll guarantee you’ll be re-enacting your letters.

I hope this helps.

Love from Amber xxx

AMBER SAYS: Dear Tormented, Wanking will make you go blind, that is true. Stevie Wonder must have been masturbating in the womb, the dirty sod, ‘cos he was born blind. However, I neither know nor care about David Blunkett.

As to the science, this is as much as I know. The retina bone is connected to the willy bone by a series of moving cells called semen. The semen swim about from bone to bone and they are what makes you feel horny. Think about it - why else would you want to masturbate into your hand? It is because the semen are swimming about in your hands at the time and making them feel horny. They are dirty little things, semens.

It is also true that wanking will give you hairy hands. This is a sign of virility, so don’t worry.

Apparantly, Mongolian porn is bone fide amongst wankers. So rest assured that in your infatile brain you were a connoisseur type of wanker.

So yes, in conclusion, you may go blind, you may develop hairy hands, and both Dave and Stevie are proof of the power of pulling one off.

By the way, this is not true for girls. When girls wank the gods smile and so we share none of the hideous consequences. We do have to put up with being filmed while we do it, though.

I really hope that this helps.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

SVC

October 17 2005

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svc@cardiff.ac.uk

Student Volunteering Cardiff The best year ever?

By Louise Evans SVC Communications Officer

F

reshers’ Week is only just slipping into the distance, term is only just beginning and already SVC 2005-06 is shaping up to be 'one of the best years ever' (Andrea Dare, SVC manager).

SVC is one of the University's largest societies and encompasses over 30 projects and some 1000 individuals with a heart to serve others and make a difference to the lives of Cardiff residents.

Volunteering with SVC provides the opportunity to meet new people and to do something worthwhile and rewarding that simultaneously challenges the stereotypical view of students.

Projects range from environmental work to homeless outreach, and are equally varied in the level of time required.

This year, as Andrea has observed, SVC is blessed with a team of dedicated staff, a committed exec, and, in particular, dozens of enthusiastic and approachable project co-ordinators.

With such a fantastic base and a number of exciting projects and one-off events in the pipeline we are all expecting big things.

SVC 2005-06 kicked off with the annual co-ordinator training at

VOLUNTEERING: For a massive three-legged race Gregynog. The weekend included hands-on team-building and playtraining exercises, and the provision of advice regarding respective projects and organisation. Over the cooked breakfasts, three-course dinners, laid on entertainment, and the evenings spent in the bar there was also plenty of time to relax and get to know one

Bonnie Austin Thrid Year Philosophy and Cultural Criticism

Rob Palmer Second Year Civil and Environmental Engineering Tell us about the project you work on, what do you do?

This year I'm involved in the STAR Kids project, which works with the children of refugee and asylum seekers in Cardiff. We run a kids club for two hours or so every Friday evening, playing games, and generally entertaining them.

How did you get involved with student volunteering?

I went along to the SVC fair and got well and truly roped into doing STAR Kids. Apparently being a bloke with a car is quite useful to some projects. I was involved in SVC last year which was the main reason for returning.

What attracted you to becoming a student volunteer?

I felt like I had a lot of spare time at uni and wanted to do something practical and worthwhile. Plus it makes you feel better about yourself when you're sleeping through lectures!

What do you think will be the best part of your project?

Watching the kids get very hyper and knowing that it is not you who will have to put them to bed later!

No, the opportunity to actually positively impact a child’s life is an amazing thing.

Do you think your volunteering experiences have taught you any new skills?

another. Much was learnt and, most importantly, many firm friendships have been established leaving a real sense of unity amongst this year's SVC. In legacy of Gregynog this year's SVC team are keen to further the social side of volunteering and since returning to Cardiff there has already

been a three-legged pub crawl. Whilst there were many false starts and for most 'crawl' literally meant crawl, some individuals had clearly found their niche.

In fact, at one point, there were over forty semi-synchronised legs valiantly marching down Queen Street. Upon arriving at Flares there was soon some impressive (predominantly twolegged) strutting on the dance floor and several hilarious dance-offs. With many more socials to come including the Launch Party (18th October, Varsity) and the renowned, and always quick to sell out, SVC Christmas Ball (4th December, Angel Hotel) the outlook is promising.

The focus for SVC so far has been recruiting volunteers - without them SVC would simply not exist. We have been overwhelmed by the number of students signing up - freshers, second, third, and fourth years alike - and are eagerly anticipating the positive impact this year's SVC are going to have on the local community.

If you missed the Volunteering Fayre, have since decided that you would like to become a volunteer, or did not know that such a fantastic opportunity existed be assured that it is never too late and we would love to hear from you! Simply pop into the SVC office on the third floor of the Student's Union and there is guaranteed to be a friendly face to help.

Last year I worked on a homeless project and it challenged me a lot with my people and communication skills. I have a feeling patience may be the new skill for this year.

Do you find it rewarding and would you recommend it to others?

Volunteering is challenging but extremely rewarding and I would recommend it to everyone.

Everyone has something to offer and there are plenty of needs to be met!

Do you think volunteering will help your future career/employability?

Any sort of voluntary work looks good on your CV. It makes you come across as a more rounded person, rather than a standard uni graduate.

By Louise Evans

Tell us about your role in SVC? What do you do?

This year I am acting as the Community and Diversity Representative on the Executive committee at SVC. I oversee some of the project groups such as Star Kids Club, the homeless projects and Sound beam. I try to make sure that they run smoothly and work with both the co-ordinators and volunteers to overcome any problems.

How did you originally become involved in SVC? In my second year I set up a project called ‘Contemporary Dance’. I had previously taught contemporary dance to children and had really enjoyed it so I suggested the idea of a dance project to the SVC team and they were keen to help!

What attracted you to becoming a student volunteer?

I really wanted to have some sort of involvement with the local community in Cardiff. Although SVC is run by the university, you get to work in different social environments that are removed from uni life, which is a nice change.

What is the most challenging aspect of your role in SVC? Having to be organised! I also found this last year when I was project co-ordinator. It was challenging having to organise other volunteers and encourage commitment.

What was the most enjoyable part of your project last year?

We organised dance performances with the kids in their schools which was great fun! It was really rewarding to see the children progress and gain confidence in their dancing over a ten week period. It was also good to work and socialise with people I wouldn’t otherwise have met.

Do you find volunteering rewarding and would you recommend it to others?

I would always recommend SVC to other students; it’s a worthwhile way to spend a few spare hours! As a project co-ordinator, I found it particularly rewarding to set up a new project and watch it develop. I have now handed it over to two new co-ordinators who are continuing with it this year which is brilliant.

By Carly Jenks

TO FIND OUT MORE PLEASE VISIT www.svcardiff.com Lucie Havill Thrid Year Law and Politics

Tell us about the project you work on, what do you do?

Well I haven’t started volunteering yet as I only signed up last week. It’s a reading project at Cathays High School where I’ll be working one-to-one with a child in Year Seven who needs extra help or encouragement reading. It’s just for one hour every week which is good for me as I’m in my final year now.

How did you get involved with student volunteering?

Through my housemates actually.

Two of them have been volunteering for the last two years and both co-ordinated projects for SVC last year. They seem to enjoy it so much I decided to get involved this year.

What do you think will be the most challenging part of your project?

I’m slightly apprehensive about any behavioural problems I might come across, but as the project is optional for the kids, it shouldn’t be too much of an issue.

What do you think will be the best/ most fun part about the project?

I think it will be really nice to be able to look back on this year and see how much a child’s reading has improved and know that I helped.

What kind of skills do you hope to develop by working on the project?

Mainly communication, but patience and organisation too.

These will be helpful in the future because in my uni holidays I’m a sailing instructor for children.

Do you think that volunteering will benefit your future career and employability?

Not directly as I’m thinking about a career in Law but I think any experience of volunteering is valuable and looks great on your CV.

By Claire Morton

Science & Environment

Page 20

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science@gairrhydd.com

EARTHQUAKE ASIA & HEAVENLY BODIES

As aid finally begins to pour in from across the world, we look at the relief efforts so far in one of the poorest regions on the globe

By Morgan Evans Environment Correspondent

T

he recent earthquake in south East Asia is another in a long list of global environmental disasters that have had devastating effects upon the populations of the third world.

The significance of the Asian tsunami that hit in December of 2004 showed that developing countries neither had the capabilities to prepare for such an event or the facilities to deal with the inevitable aftermath.

This earthquake is estimated to have already claimed 20, 000 lives, according to the Pakistan’s President Pervez Masharraf, although some analysts have stated that it could rise to double that making this Pakistan worst natural disaster in it’s history.

It could be Pakistan’s worst natural disaster in modern history The quake - that measured 7.6 on the Richter scale - has had massive impact on the countries of Pakistan, Kashmir, India and large areas of Afghanistan.

Obviously this is causing huge strains on the governments involved, with reports of whole villages being razed to the ground, and accounts of over 70% of buildings destroyed in the capitol of what Pakistani’s call free Kashmir, Muzaffarbad.

Pakistan’s military leader General Musharraf pleaded for international help on Sunday, stating; “My country does not have the resources to cope with such a disaster.”

There is particular focus on helicopters to help deal with the large areas in the remote mountains, as landslides have cut off many towns and villages, therefore hampering aid efforts.

Work has started immediately on clearing the treachorous mountain highways, as relatives desperately try to reach their families. However an aerial effort may be the only real-time option.

The situation in Pakistan and the surrounding region has led governments from across the world offering their assistance. Along with aid, Britain has sent its own volunteer team to help with the rescue efforts.

Rapid UK (Rescue And Preparedness In Disasters), is a non government organisation which has been operating in the affected area since just a few hours after the earthquake hit, searching collapsed buildings by use of search dogs and specialist search and rescue equipment.

Snake Eye cameras, CO2 probes and Vibraphone sound location are amongst the latest equipment which has assisted rescue efforts upon the Margalla towers site, a block of 75 flats which has already left 50 people dead.

However survivors are still being found, with one woman and her twoyear-old son to add to the five already rescued by Rapid UK from within the collapsed building.

Rescuers are cautioning locals that the chances of survival for victims trapped in the rubble will reduce for

each day they remain unfound.

Although help is being sent, the scale of this disaster is immense.

Janardhan Negi a leading seismologist stated, "The 9.3 magnitude Sumatara quake in December 2004, followed within three months by an 8.6 magnitude quake near the same place and now this one in Pakistan suggest the Indian plate boundary has become very highly active".

The quake measured 7.6 on the Richter Scale The number and the degree of these earthquakes due to the collision of IndoAustralian plate and the Eurasian are causing increasing worry.

However countries such as Japan, who in early August suffered a similar scale quake, reaching 7.2 on the Richter scale, which in total only injured 40 people shows that technological advancement and prevention systems have great effects on saving lives.

However such expensive technology as earthquake protected buildings and early seismic activity detectors are not as wide spread in rural Kashmir, as there is not the economic investment needed to make the region less susceptible to large-scale damage from these unpredictable natural events.

Due to political uncertainties and disputes in the area, significant poverty and the sheer size of the region, its people will be suffering for a long time to come.

PLUTO: Planet or not? That is the question

EARTH: Third Rock From The Sun

Science take a look at why the definition of a plant it up for debate

By Victoria Sayce Science Reporter

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orry boys, but the bodies I'm referring to aren't the type that you gaze lovingly at on the pages of your FHM calenders.

However, their names have been in the press during the past 12 or so months almost as much of those of Britney and her ilk. Xena, Sedna, Smiley and Quaoar; whilst you'd be forgiven for thinking these were all characters from a TV show about a Warrior Princess, the owners of these designations are in fact the focus of one of the hottest debates in modern astronomy.

Each of these, along with several other amusingly named individuals, are contenders for the coveted title of tenth planet in our solar system. But rather

PAKISTAN: Total devastation

Dark matter

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heoretical work by scientists in Canada may have removed the need for so-called ‘exotic dark-matter’ in galaxies.

For several decades, most astronomers have thought that the universe is full of dark-matter. In fact, the standard model of our universe currently contains far more ‘dark’ matter than ‘normal’ matter.

One of the pieces of evidence in favour of dark matter comes from observations of the velocities of gas clouds orbiting spiral galaxies.

According to standard ‘Newtonian’ gravity, the velocity of a cloud around a galaxy ought to depend upon the amount of mass located within the cloud’s orbit.

It was found, however, that these velocities appeared to be much larger than was expected from the amount of luminous material observed.

Newtonian gravity is no longer, however, the most general theory we have of

gravity. General Relativity (GR) now occupies that role.

Since the gravitational field on the outskirts of a galaxy is pretty weak, orbits of gas clouds have conventionally been modelled using of Newtonian gravity.

The Canadian group argue, that these assumptions are inadequate to describe galaxies. The important point is that galaxies are gravitationally-bound systems, and this leads to relativistic analysis being a so-called ‘non-linear’ problem.

The team analysed the ‘rotation curves’ for four galaxies including our own Milky Way, using a fully relativistic model containing only normal matter, and found that their results reproduce the same rotation curves.

If correct, we might have to fundamentally revaluate the current model of the Universe.

The presence of dark matter, however, has important consequences, it seems unlikely, therefore, even if the new modelling is vindicated, that dark matter will be abandoned anytime soon.

than leading to just a straight-out battle between the individuals who made the respective discoveries, it has in fact made scientists ask questions they thought they long knew the answers to: 'what exactly is a planet?'.

If you ask an average person on the street to give their definition, they'd most likely tell you a planet was a large ball of rock that exists in Space and the more informed might know that it has to be in orbit around the Sun and no-other object, hence the existance of moons.

However, this definition would not only ignore the gas planets such as Jupiter which make up the main part of our Solar System, but would also mean we'd have to include the millions of objects that make up the Kuiper Belt, a region of space far beyond the orbit of Neptune populated by asteroid-like

Science in brief TSUNAMI BOMB MONITORING STATIONS set up to detect atomic explosions could help predict the path of a tsunami, according to Californian scientists.

A team from San Diego says that the recent tsunami produced a unique signal, which could be tracked using the stations which were set up in the Indian Ocean to implement the Abomb test ban treaty.

“Until this earthquake killed 200,000 people, the data was only made available to the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty Organisation (CBTO) itself, and not to any hazard-warning organisation,” said scientist Roger Bowman, “and I think the kind of data interpretation we have done could be folded into a hazard warning system.”

JE SUIS ROBOT EUROPEAN UNION member states are losing out to the Japanese when it comes to developing useful robots that are commercially

available.

Those were the findings of the European Commission’s investigations into emerging technologies.

The EU spends 50 million euros a year on research projects which produce prototypes.

However these tend not to make it to market as products until 10 -15 years later.

SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH GREENPEACE HAS lost its High Court battle to overturn a government ban aimed at protecting dolphins.

The case centred on the decision to ban ‘pair’ trawling for sea bass within 12 miles of the Devon and Cornwall coasts.

The environmental campaigners claimed the ban forced fishermen into deeper waters, where there are more dolphins.

But the judge rejected the challenge and Fisheries minister Ben Bradshaw had “considered all the issues.”

masses of rock and ice many of which are thousands of km across.

All of our previously named contestants are from this vast array of Kuiper Belt Objects or KBOs as they are known and are all large enough to automatically qualify for the status of Planetoids.

So what is the difference between a planet and a planetoid aside from the few extra letters I hear you ask. Well officially anything larger than Pluto is a planet and anything smaller isn't.

Sounds pretty straight forward doesn't it? So why all the fuss? Well, many scientists believe that an object only counts as a planet if it was formed from the original cloud of gas, ice and dust that surrounded the parent star, in our case the Sun, after it was formed. `Pluto and all these newly discovered bodies therefore don't qualify as they came

from another part of Space.

So is Pluto actually a planet? Its huge distance from the Sun, in addition to having an orbit so unlike the rest of the planets in the system that it actually changes places with Neptune on certain occasions, leads many to the conclusion that far from adding to the number of the select 'planets club' the number should in fact be reduced to eight.

But aside from people not wanting to mess up all the lovely rhymes that help you remember the order of the planets, the major reason that Pluto's status is unlikely to be changed is due to the fact that it's the only one that was discovered by the American's and so if they say it's a planet who are the scientific community to argue?

But the support of Pluto's planethood by the International Astronomical

Society has led to calls for calls for Xena as the only body equal in size to Pluto and also possessing a moon (Gabrielle-snigger) to be recognized as well.

All this controversy has led to the International Astronomical Union deciding to hold a vote to one and for all resolve what the correct definition of a planet is.

Whilst many welcome this move, others views aren't so favourable such as those of astronomer Alan Stern of the Southwest Research Institute in Bolder, Colorado who states, "everyone will ask why egg-head PhDs can't tell when an object is a planet if regular people can.

So what difference will this make to the rest of us here on Earth? None really, but you never can tell what might come up in a pub quiz.

Award-Winning Television

October 17 2005

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This week’s Blunketts amongst the TV Quinns : October 17 - 23 2005

It was 20 years ago, Toady Aussie soap bathes in its own froth

HOT

Hot Things : With the weather getting worse and the layers getting thicker we can all be thankful for hot things. Be they drinks or wholesome meals you can’t beat the feeling of something warm finding its way down your throat and coming to rest in your belly. THUMBS UP!!

Soaps Is there not enough for you just to the right? Frankly I do believe that if Soapland was in fact a real country and it was involved in a war then it would right now be proceeding into enemy territory at an alarming rate. That is to say, if my messy metaphor does not make sense, that at this moment, soaps are good. As if exploding estates and fatal games of 4x4 chicken weren’t enough, this week Emmerdale treats us to a randy vicar. Meanwhile, Coronation Street is teetering ever closer to step-incest as the awfully behaired Jamie and ‘er out of Bad Girls seem to be diagonal on the way to horizontal.

It’s already featured on the main page over to your right, but it is the Neighbours 20th anniversary.

Bet there’s no sign of Guy Pearce again.

NOT

Being the student stereotype that you (we) are, you’ll be more than aware that this week marks the 20th Birthday of Neighbours. As if things weren’t exciting enough this week what with Izzy and all that (you know EXACTLY what I mean) we also get the added cold sweat-inducing prospect of old characters making appearances. This is slightly less exciting as you realise that you only started watching the program as an essay writing delaying device combined with your excessive drinking when you started uni so the names Mark Little and KImberley Davies mean as much to you as providing intelligent, informative TV listings means to TV Desk. This week I am reliably informed that Karl sees the light, Skye finds out about her father and “Kayla Kayla Kayla Kayla K a y l a Chameleon”’s dark secret is revealed.

Sadly your

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pant wetting excitement isn’t shared by the BBC as they give it a measly 30 minute celebration in the very aptly titled 20 Years Of Neighbours: a Celebration (BBC 1, Tuesday) as Paul Robinson gives Live and Kicking’s (BBC1, Saturday, circa 1995) Andi Peters a presumably hobbled tour of Ramsay Street.

What the BBC does care about, as is illustrated by a wank-tastic Radio Times front cover is the imminent return of The Street’s label mates, The Mitchell Brothers to Eastenders (BBC 1, you know the drill). Messrs Ross Kemp and Beetroot faced Steve ‘not Bryan’ McFadden have drawn themselves away from desperate cameos and tabloid dogging shame respectively to mount the most implausible

return to soapland since the last time Eastenders writers needed to pull their ratings out of the gutter.

The scene is being set for the return of the most feared twosome since the coming together of TV John and TV Gareth, and their reunion can guarantee two things; adultery and killing, yeah, and the obvious influx of awful Eastend accent impressions.

I realise my apparent knowledge of soaps isn’t doing anything for my macho persona. If that is the case then please let it be known that earlier today I tried to kill a rat using tupperware and a hammer. I’m off for a while now, why not join me over the page, I promise to swear a little. If you have some venom you’d like to share with TV Desk why not get in touch: tv@gairrhydd.com, it’ll gpOstraight in the spam folder bitches. Peace Out. Safe. TV Desk xxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY The Mighty Jar-Musch Jim Jarmusch, as any fule no, is a genius. Current Bill Murray vehicle Broken Flowers should, if there’s any justice, cement this status. To celebrate, some industry type has seen fit to finally reissue two of Jimbo’s early efforts in one pack: Down By Law and Night On Earth. Neither of them I can admit to having seen, but the former stars TV Desk favourite and big-chinned growler Tom Waits, and rabid Italian Roberto Begnini. In prison. Night on Earth, stars rabid Italian Roberto Begnini again, and Winona Ryder, and is set around five different vignettes about five different cab drivers in five different cities. Sounds completely rubbish, but as anyone who’s seen later Jarmusch works like Dead Man, Coffee and Cigarettes or Ghost Dog: Way of the Samauri will know, the guy has a way of restyling the seemingly mundane into beautiful, hilarious and addictive wry takes on the ways and means of contemporary life. We salute you.

Knots: May be great for making sure yours is a noose that works but when you come in from a hard day’s walking, the last thing you want is a bastarding knot to untie. Couple that with ‘when knots go bad’ and you have to bend down in the street to tie your laces; knots get a definite THUMBS DOWN!!

Film Jurassic Larks! TV Grace’s favourite film featuring violence towards a goat. Jeff Goldblum and Sam Neill have just about the most exhuberant faces in Hollywood and there’s the added bonus of a massive dose of nostalgia as you recall when you were so scared that you nearly soiled yourself at the cinema. Superb.

SPORT Thankfully the inevitable anti-climax that is international football is done with and this week we welcome back the Champions League with ITV screening the least exciting match involving such sides as The Manchester Reds v. Lille (Tuesday, ITV1).

And then there’s the usual Saturday morning double header of Match Of The Day (BBC1) and The Championship (ITV)

RADIO Further reason to continue not listening to the radio is provided with these week’s installment of cod liver oil in aural form Lamacq Live (Radio 1, Monday) (I’ve just realised that comment could suggest Lamacq has some redeeming qualities in the field of good health. He doesn’t, especially if you mention him in front of me) This week he’s joined by NME tosspot Imran Ahmed and an hour and a half reminder that, yes, John Peel is still dead. And no matter how dead a man is you’re never too dead for a great bit of punnery; hence a tribute entitled Keeping It Peel (Radio 1, Monday). Expect to hear Teenage Sodding Kicks over and over. If you want to hear things, I suggest you go listen to a record.

Monday

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19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 20.00 The World 20.30 Dinner with Portillo 21.00 The Cost of Betrayal: Days That Shook the World The day that you realised that for the rest of your life you have to live with the knowledge that no matter how much you tell yourself you like this new girl you’re with, nothing will ever compare to the time you first got with that first girl you loved at that house party where you drank too much and fumbled a little in the back garden and truthfully you’ve never felt as good as that since and although you like other girls and you totally feel a connection with them and love them as a friend you know you will never feel the same as you did then and so you’re just gonna have to deal with breaking down in tears everytime you have sex for the rest of your life. Say no to emo.

22.00 My Life as a Spy 23.00 Film: "Odd Man Out" 24.50 John Wyndham: The Invisible Man of Science Fiction 01.50 The Cost of Betrayal: Days That Shook the World

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 13.30 Coronation Street 14.00 Emmerdale 14.30 Emmerdale 15.00 The Ricki Lake Show 15.50 Trisha 16.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.45 Judge Judy 19.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 19.30 Spin City 20.00 Girls Aloud: Home Truths 21.00 Hell's Kitchen USA 22.00 Office Monkey 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Celebrity Surgery: Who's Had What Done? 24.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 24.30 Spin City 01.00 The Ricki Lake Show 01.40 F1: Chinese Grand Prix Highlights 02.30 Champions League Weekly 02.55 Teleshopping 04.55 ITV2 Nightscreen Do TV writers have a workers’ union? Sometimes I just lay awake at night thinking “what would Paul Ross or that woman who does the soaps on This Morning do in this situation?” I bet they pay people to worry for them. And I bet they get pedicures.

Middle Aged Mummiesʼ’ Boys

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Hard Fi 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want What I would really like is for the side room at ‘Fun’ Factory to be taken away from those so-called oddsoc society DJs and given over to TV Decks. Because nobody wants to see people in fingerless gloves and studded belts dancing like they’ve had a power cable inserted into their collective ass to mediocre nu metal. 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Nothing But 1999: Number 1's 1:00 Hijacked By Ms Dynamite 2:00 The O.C.: The Dearly Beloved 3:00 Faking It Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30Friends 6:00 The O.C. 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00 Wife Swap: The Aftermath 10:30 Scream 12:40 Porn: A Family Business 1:20 Porn: A Family Business 1:50 Hollyoaks Let Loose 2:50 Wife Swap: The Aftermath 3:15 The Next Joe Millionaire 3:55 Faking It

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06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.35 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news Things to do with...(no.1 in an occasional series) This week: Swimming Pools...armbands, soggy disease ridden plasters, no petting, “20p for the locker?”, “that big man was looking at my penis”, “drown the bastard”. 12.00 Home and Away Who wants to go swimming? 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "Ellery Queen" 15.30 Film: "Columbo: Columbo Cries Wolf" 18.00 Home and Away Just to confirm, this isn’t about the identically titled Welsh History module which I signed up to thinking I was going to be taught about day time soapsor A Question Of Sport 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 The Gadget Show 20.00 Fifth Gear 21.00 Middle Aged Mummies' Boys: Hidden Lives 22.00 Race Swap Documentary showing what happened when Olympic athletes compete in the Paralympics, swapping with their slightly more disabled counterparts.

23.05 Shock Docs: My 100,000 Lovers 24.10 Peter Benchley's Amazon 24.55 NFL 02.00 NFL Monday Night American Football 05.35 Motorsport Mundial Here’s some space. Stretch out, relax.

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5:50 Making It: Luke, Phumla And Natasha Feed The Butterflies 5:55 Inuk: The Amulet 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:25 Will & Grace 8:55 Frasier 9:25 My Eden 9:30 Chancers 10:20 Urban Music Festival 10:45 The Business 11:10 Self Portraits 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction 1:30 Supporting Acts 1:45 The Bridal Path 3:30 A Place In The Sun 4:30 Come Dine With Me 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons When Friends stopped being made I was really concerned that channel 4 was going to be left with no program to overplay and overplay and overplay. I got bored of The SImpsons because BBC 2 overplayed it and now 4 is doing the same. Thanks.

6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 Dispatches 9:00 Wife Swap Perverts 10:00 Without A Trace 11:00 Scandal 1:05 The Sex Inspectors 1:50 Four Weddings And An Execution 2:50 3 Minute Wonder 2:55 Little Dark Poet 3:00 The House Of Obsessive Compulsives 4:00 Famous People Tony from Hollyoaks, OB from Hollyoaks, Craig Dean from Hollyoaks, Craig Dean’s Mum from Hollyoaks, the guy who played Craig Dean’s Mum’s exhusband in Hollyoaks who was also in Crossroads .24:15 All Change 4:35 Victorian Scots 4:50 Handmade 2 4:55 What's So Good About Malorie Blackman? 5:10 Rosen's Poetry Attic 5:20 Animated Tales Of The World 1: Two Brothers 5:35 Extra 3

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Surprise Reunions 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame. Cambridge 3.00 Trading Treasures 3.30 Pocoyo. A Present for Elly 3.35 Engie Benjy. Spaceship Blues 3.50 Art Attack Mini Makes 4.00 Tricky TV 4.30 You Say We Play: My Parents Are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald One night Trevor’s just gonna come out and tell us all that tonight he’s going to be playing a board game or getting an early night with his wife. In the meantime he’s just going to keep plying us with food scares, global disputes, happy slapping and misery. Cheer up Trev, at least you’re not a TV Editor. I don’t even have meat pizza to turn to anymore.

8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Vincent 10.30 ITV News 11.00 The Food Show 11.30 The Guest List 0.00 Champions League Weekly 0.25 999 Frontline 0.55 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.50 60 Minute Makeover 2.40 Love 2 Shop 3.30 Redcoats 3.55 Entertainment Now! How convenient, I am being entertained (now!) by the following: smog, my awful wrapping abilities, coping with my house having a really small letter box, walking in the dark, bands that sound more like pavement than pavement. 4.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.50 Nghtscrn

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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Trollz 7:25 Serious Arctic 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Come Outside 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 Trade Secrets 10:30 English Express 10:50 Let's Write a Story 11:10 Let's Write a Story 11:30 Let's Write a Story 11:50 Focus. Teamwork 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 The Maths Channel - Year 4 1:10 The Maths Channel - Year 4 1:20 The Maths Channel - Year 4 1:30 FILM: Attack on the Iron Coast 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 The Big Dig 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two Other things which take 2 people: murder. Gee, that’s all I can think of.

7:00 The Battle for Britain's Soul If you want to remove something of it’s soul just send it to ‘fun’ factory.

8:00 Map Man 8:30 University Challenge 9:00 Israel and the Arabs: Elusive Peace 10:00 Grumpy Old Women 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Tales from Europe: Poland 11:50 Family Ties What I hate most in the world at the moment is people who lived remotely near to me last year who now think it is necessary to say “hello” every time we pass even thought they never spoke to me once last year. YOU DON’T REALLY CARE HOW MY SUMMER WAS!!

12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Nighty Night 23.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Spendaholics 01.55 Nighty Night 02.25 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.55 Honey We're Killing the Kids 03.55 Close Hello there TV fans, TV Gareth here. This week I suggest that rather than watch telly you should go for a bike ride. I did(n’t) and subsequently I feel much better about my life.

Drastic measures here as I find myself in the office on a Wednesday afternoon, right now however anywhere is better than my bedroom as there are rats in my roof and subsequently everywhere stinks of rat’s piss. thumbs down. If I’m more venemous that usual then please realise this is why. If you have any complaints, come sniff my bastarding ceiling.

My Wife And Kids BBC2 10am

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz 4:05 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:30 The Crust 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Holidays at Home 7:30 Inside Out 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 War at the Door Monday, Cathays Terrace, walking along trying to listen to my music when two cocksuckers pull up at the traffic lights listening to tedium’s The Libertines whilst playing air drums. I considered throwing myself infront of the car when it pulled away, sacrificing my life just so that they would have to go to jail a little.

Instead, I decided to just moan about it here.

9:00 Waking the Dead 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:20 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 11:50 FILM: The Garden of Redemption 1:30am: Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2:20 Sign Zone: Rogue Traders 2:50 Sign Zone: The Queen's Cavalry 3:20 Sign Zone: Holidays at Home 3:50 Joins BBC News 24.

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace 08:55 Frasier 09:25 My Eden 09:30 Chancers 10:20 Urban Music Festival: The Young Disciples 10:45 Gcsease: The Business 11:10 Self Portraits 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 House Auction 14:20 My Place In The Sun 15:25 A Place In Greece 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil Newyddion Ar Gyfer Pobl Ifanc 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:25 Merched Y Mwmbwls 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 0:25 Ffermio Penawdau 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 Y Clwb Rygbi 23:05 The Unteachables 00:10 The Closer: About Face 01:05 Will And Grace: Fred Astaire And Ginger Chicken 01:35 Film: The Lost Highway 03:55 Diwedd/Close No blanks here.

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19.00 Birdland, a History of Jazz: Dream a Little, Dream of Me 19.05 Great Railway Journeys of the World 20.00 The World 20.30 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 21.00 A Very British Olympics 22.00 Moscow: The Cold War Olympics 22.30 What's My Line? 23.05 Face to Face 23.35 Black Flash: A Century of Black Footballers 24.55 A Very British Olympics 01.55 The Real Room 101 02.25 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 02.55 Black Flash: A Century of Black Footballers 04.15 Close editor to both entertain and patronise you in equal measure. Just so happens that the Engineering rugby team had also decided to pow wow there and were not conducting themselves in a very sociable manner. The management were clearly becoming concerned with their over zealous behaviour and realising that the task of removing 20 drunken rugby players was no mean feat they turned to TV’s TV John and TV Gareth to clean things up. Realising that this was no time for reason we stepped straight to it. TV John

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 13.30 Holiday Airline 14.00 Coronation Street 14.30 Emmerdale 15.00 The Ricki Lake Show 15.50 Trisha 16.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.45 Judge Judy 19.00 Champions League Live 22.00 Jack Osbourne - Adrenaline Junkie 23.00 The Frank Skinner Show 24.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 24.30 Big Game TV 03.00 Teleshopping 05.00 ITV2 Nightscreen grabbed a miniature bottle of merlot in each hand and with this new found sensation of giantdom he rucked and mauled for all he was worth sending half the team running. I grabbed for TV John’s walkman and seized the heaphones, using them to make a noose. I lassooed each team member one at a time and swung them around my head before releasing them through the window. Onlookers weren’t onlooking because they were distracted by the football, so don’t go asking them to witness, and the team was probably too

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory8:00 Wake Up With Sugababes 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Nothing But 1998: Number 1's 1:00 Hijacked By Roland & Zmo 2:00 Without A Trace: Two Filies 3:00 Faking It Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Without A Trace 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Without A Trace: Penitence 10:00 Six Feet Under: All Alone 11:10 Porn: A Fily Business: Real Asstate 11:45 The Sex Inspectors 12:35 8 Out Of 10 Cats 1:10 Without A Trace: Penitence 2:00 Six Feet Under: All Alone 3:05 No Angels 4:05 Switched 4:25 Switched 4:50 Faking It Usa intoxicated to remember, and anyway, they’d probably get nasty if you asked them. And then we departed, not offering to put the tables back neatly, because a super TV hero’s work is never done and we had to go and diffuse landmines in the third world and shit. fo’ sho’.

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06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.35 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "The Ladies" 15.30 five news update 15.35 Film: "Lost and Found" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Tim Marlow on& Degas, Stickert, ToulouseLatrec 20.00 Murder Mystery of Ashkelon: The True Story Bad things about music: bands with full time keyboard players, guitar solos, singers who don’t play instruments (generally), ska, Quench reviewers saying that the Go Team! album is only just being released when really it’s been out well over a year, bands from London (or make that England), rhyming for rhyming’s sake, the Kaiser Chiefs, pretty singers, prog rock, protest music, your band.

21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI:NY 23.00 Law and Order 23.55 Fifth Gear 01.40 Golazo Football Show 02.05 USPGA Golf 02.55 European Seniors Golf 03.45 V8 Supercars 05.15 Indy Car Series TV Gareth has been getting a lot of stick of late for his apparent faux-vegetarianism.

Please faithful reader, rest assured that no meat passes these lips. Not even cock.

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6:00 Cubeez: Lollipops And Flowers 6:10 The Hoobs: Fish 6:35 The Hoobs: Keys 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:25 Will & Grace 8:55 Frasier 9:25 Water Stories 9:30 Chancers 9:55 Chancers 10:20 Urban Music Festival 10:45 The Business 11:10 Self Portraits 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction 1:30 Water Stories 1:40 Man In The Moon 3:30 A Place In The Sun 4:30 Come Dine With Me 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder Good things about music: sampling children’s voices, every Girls Aloud single, Mandolins, bands which aren’t The White Stripes who don’t have bassists, alt. country, when girls and boys sing at the same time, indie bands covering indie bands, albums produced by Steve Albini, pop culture references, The Pussycat Dolls’ single, post rock, feminists, theremins, R. Kelly, mixxx tapes, non-ska related trumpets.

8:00 Property Ladder 9:00 The Unteachables 10:00 The Closer 10:55 Maximum Risk Talking to TV’s TV John and TV Gareth about music. 12:50 Al Murray's Showbiz Fights 1:50 King Of The Hill 2:15 King Of The Hill 2:40 The Invasion 2:55 3 Minute Wonder 3:00 The House Of Obsessive Compulsives 4:00 Health And Social Care 4:25 Real Science 4:50 Express Yourself 5:05 Making It 5:10 Water, Moon, Candle, Tree And Sword 5:25 Animated Tales Of The World 1 5:40 Handmade 5:45 We Are From Turkey

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame.

Plymouth 3.00 Trading Treasures 3.30 Pocoyo 3.35 SpongeBob SquarePants 3.50 MOM's Name That Tone 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live. Manchester United v Lille 9.45 Frank Bruno: Gloves Off 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Frank Bruno: Gloves Off 11.30 Champions League Highlights 0.30 FILM: The Color of Courage 2.05 Champions League. Sparta Prague v Arsenal 3.45 Mixmasters 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News I don’t want to be here. I’m sorry reader. I realise that it must hurt quite a lot to realise that your company isn’t all that great but there are places i would rather be. I would most like to be in bed watching Everybody Loves Raymond whilst eating banana yoghurt chips. I’d most like to have russian hamsters circling me all the time. I’d most like to be listening to Herman Dune whilst watching a girl straighten her hair. I’m pathetic and tired and want meat on a pizza. I want to walk home in the dark whilst listening to post rock. I want to draw pictures of me dressed as bears. I want to have the comedic genius necessary to not have to spill my quixotic trail of thought over these greyed pages...and sleep.

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 How to Get Lucky 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Swiss Toni 24.00 Twisted Tales 24.25 The Comic Side of 7 Days 24.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.55 Swiss Toni 02.25 Twisted Tales 02.55 Forty Years of F**k 03.55 Close Yeah yeah, still me i’m afraid. Try to bear with it, it’s only a matter of time before i resort to quoting song lyrics. I’m feeling a little down at the moment viewers, I cannot really, how you say? Be arsed.

Maybe it’s the weather. I rolled my jeans up on the weekend to stop them from getting wet and haven’t taken the time to roll them down yet. That’s how things are i’m afraid, and not even your metaphorical shoulder is making a bit of difference. So, last night there was a TV Desk rendezvous at the Flora pub to go someway towards deciding on a new TV

6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Trollz 7:25 Serious Arctic 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Come Outside 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 Trade Secrets 10:30 See You, See Me 10:50 Primary History: Snapshots 11:10 Meet the Ancestors 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 What? Where? When? Why? Scotland's Schools: City School 1:15 What? Where? When?

Why? Scotland's Schools: Rural School 1:30 FILM: The Good Guys and the Bad Guys Good Guys: Jeff Mangum, John Darnielle, Phil Elverum, Stephen Malkmus, Bill Callahan, Stephen Patrick Morrissey, Lou Barlow.

Bad Guys: Pete Doherty, Ricky Wilson, Matt Bellamy, Brandon Flowers, The Penguin, Iain Watkins, Dave Grohl. 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 The Big Dig 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 People's War 7:30 Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife 8:00 Mastermind 8:30 What the Ancients Did for Us 9:00 Beyond Boundaries “One word, two cyllables...Demarcation” 10:00 Supernova 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Robert Capa: In Love and War 12:45am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Quinze Minutes Plus (Twenty Minutes Plus) 4:00 Vingt Minutes (Four minutes).

WOW, THANKS TO MY FAT FINGERS I JUST DISCOVERED HOW TO DO ‘SMALL CAPS’

The Ladies five 1pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 20 Years of Neighbours: A Celebration 2:35 Doctors 3:05 Animal Park 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz 4:05 Best of Friends 4:30 The Crust 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Watchdog 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City 9:00 Love Soup Yes I do.

Especially with a nice loaf of fresh bread. Generally I go for vegetable or mushroom. I used to be a big fan of tomato, it’s great for dipping bread but too heavy to eat in my opinion. My girlfriend generally goes for broccolli and water cress.

It’s one of the posh Heinz ones. I think she only chooses it because she knows I won’t try to steal it from her.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Drama Connections 11:05 Medium 11:50 FILM: Dead Ringers 1:45am: Sign Zone: See Hear 2:30 Sign Zone: Bring Your Husband to Heel 3:00 Sign Zone: No Waste Like Home Home of the immortal phrase: “if it’s yellow, get ona pedalo; if it’s brown, flush it down”. This means nothing to you does it? 3:30 Sign Zone: Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 4:30 Joins BBC News 24.

Water Stories C4 1.30pm

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Best Of Friends BBC1 4.05pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will & Grace 08:55 Frasier 09:25 Water Stories 09:30 Chancers 09:55 Chancers 10:20 Urban Music Festival 10:45 Gcsease 11:10 Trouble Online 11:35 Campyfan 12:00 News 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala 12:50 Peppa Pinc 13:00 Ty Newydd Mr Anghywir 13:05 Ding Dong 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 House Auction 14:20 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 15:25 A Place In Greece 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Beyblade 16:25 O Na! Y Morgans 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Boy Scoutz N The Hood 18:30 The Simpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm (Sc) 20:25 Taro 9 21:00 Ar Y Lein 21:30 Duwiau Coll 22:00 Emyn Roc A Rôl 22:45 Wife Swap 23:45 Whatever Happened To The Gender Benders? 00:50 Without A Trace 01:45 Bollywood: Dance Of The Wind 03:20 Diwedd/Close

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

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Oct 17 - Oct 23 2005

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19.00 Birdland: Over the Rainbow - Art Tatum Any man that sounds like a cross between Art Garfunkle and Drederick Tatum sounds worthy of a five minute documentary to me.

19.05 People's Century 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister The Alistair Campbell story.

21.00 Cold War Dirty Science 22.00 Film: Obsession 23.35 Imber: England's Lost Village Documentary about Imber, a small settlement in Northumberland which literally disappeared in 1983. The residents are now to be seen loitering around The Hayes on weekday afternoons, mumbling to themselves. What?

24.35 British Space Race 01.15 Cold War Dirty Science A team of lab-coat-wearing geeks molest each other in post-war Russia.

02.15 British Space Race “We’ve got a man in a tracksuit, up a ladder...” 02.55 Bookered Out 2005 03.25 Cold War Dirty Science 04.25 Close

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 13.30 Holiday Airline 14.00 Coronation Street 14.30 Emmerdale 15.00 The Ricki Lake Show 15.50 Trisha 16.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.45 Judge Judy 19.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 19.30 Spin City 20.00 Nanny 911 20.50 Movies Now 21.00 The Xtra Factor: 24/7 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 Mike Bassett: Manager About as funny as stapling you nostrils open and having mustard drizzled over your face 23.00 Jordan and Peter: Marriage and Mayhem 24.00 Office Monkey 24.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 01.00 Big Game This week, the big game is Risk, which I’d never played before last Sunday, but after losing hilariously and conquering exactly one territory, I’ve decided is the BIGGEST game in board game history. I’ve just used the word “game” three times in one sentence. Slack. 03.00 Teleshopping 05.00 ITV2

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6:00 Cubeez: Party Time 6:10 The Hoobs: Waiting 6:35 The Hoobs: Shoes 7:00 B4 7:30 Fiends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:25 Will & Grace: Homojo 8:55 Frasier 9:25 Water Stories 9:30 Chancers 9:55 Chancers 10:20 Trouble Online: Hip Hop Shop 10:45 The Business: Contracts And Commitments 11:10 Self Portraits: The Me Generations 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction 1:30 3 Minute Wonder 1:35 Uncle Sila 3:30 A Place In The Sun 4:30 Come Dine With Me 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons One of the best ever episodes, in which Mr Burns builds a casino in Springfield and goes mad. Cue hilarity.

6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: Self Portraits: Julian Opie 8:00 The View From River Cottage 8:30 Jie's Great Escape 9:00 Grand Designs This weeks episode is about Devon. So the design had better be pretty damn grand.

10:00 Lost 11:05 Robbie Willis On The Road To Berlin Where hopefully the wall will collapse on his stinking, egotistical head.

11:40 Bt Digital Music Awards 2005 1:00 King Of The Hill 1:25 King Of The Hill 1:50 Freesports On 4: Surfing 2:20 Freesports On 4: Snowboarding 2:50 Honda Formula 4 Powerboating 3:15 Kotv 3:40 Transworld Sport

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6.00 GMTV. 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Daughter, Accept Your New Dad! 10.30 This Morning.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.30 Loose Women.

2.15 A Brush with Fame.

Birmingham 3.00 Trading Treasures.

3.30 Pocoyo 3.40 Tractor Tom. Rev the Hero 3.55 Potatoes and Dragons 4.05 Art Attack.

4.30 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather.

Regional news round-up.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 The Bill.

9.00 Cold Blood.

10.30 ITV News.

11.00 Crime Secrets.

11.30 Horatio's Holiday Horatio Nelson visits Armenia, Cardiff Arms Park and Vietn-arm.

Afterwards he visits The Eye-vory Coast, The Eye-l of Wight, and the polar eyes caps. Six puns on Nelson’s war injuries in five lines there.

0.00 The Jules and Lulu Show.

0.30 cd:uk Hotshots.

0.55 Elvis - '68 Comeback Special Not to be confused with his ‘78 comeback special, where his propped-up corpse was dragged about some stage hands and his jaw fell off during Love Me Tender.

1.45 F1: Chinese Grand Prix Replayed Dangerous levels of excitement. Repeated!

3.55 World Sport.

4.25 ITV Nightscreen.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News AK47 is the tool / don’t make me act the motherfucking fool.

My Secret Body five 11pm

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Mcfly 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever...

You Want 11:00am Whatever...

You Want 12:00pm Nothing But 1997: Number 1's 1:00pm Hijacked By The Mitchell Brothers He ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother by The Hollies, Phil Me In, by Craig David, Streets of London by Ralph McTell, Just The Two of Us by Bill Withers, and I Wanna Sex You Up by Colour Me Badd.

2:00pm Without A Trace: The Season 3:00pm Faking It Usa 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoak 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Without A Trace 7:00pm Hollyoak 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm Desperate Housewives 9:55pm Wife Swap 11:00pm Lost 12:00am Point Pleasant:?

1:00am Shameless 2:00am Wife Swap 3:00am Switched Up! 3:20am Shameless

06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best ay for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.35 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: My Husband's Double Life Weird that this is on this week, as I found out my own husband works in his spare time as a maggot-molesting greasy pole jockey.

15.25 Film: Do Not Disturb Or What’s Mr TV John said when I tried to call him at work. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Great British Commanders 20.00 Stargate Atlantis 21.00 Film: Last Man Standing The Kenneth Clarke story. Presumably after every other Tory leadership canditate faints after his halitosis-fuelled powerspeeches. TV John in pseudo-political commen shocker.

23.00 My Secret Body I am, actually, Mr Motivator.

23.30 Hot Tub Ranking 24.05 Top Buzzer 24.35 Film: Messenger of Death Film about a hapless internet geek that loads up Microsoft Messenger and his laptop squirts acid in his face and his webcam switches on just as the sulphuric poison burns a hole in his crotch.

Based on a true story.

02.05 Film: Trucks 03.40 Short Story Cinema 04.05 Sunset Beach 04.50 Lexx 05.35 Sons and Daughters

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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Trollz 7:25 Serious Arctic Diary 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo!9:25 Come Outside 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 FILM: The Big Steal The story of how the new Sugababes single manages to sound exactly like the verses from Tina Turners Simply The Best without anyone noticing 11:30 The Daily Politics 1:00pm: Meet the Ancestors 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Wildlife on Two 2:30 House Invaders 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 The Big Dig This was also the name of post-rock superstars Billy Mahonie’s first album. No no no don’t turn the page yet! I can still be interesting!

4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads Eggheads henchwoman Daphne uses quiz show trivia to fill a gaping void in her elderly, festering useless waste of a life.

6:30 Strictly Come Dancing 7:00 The Cocaine Jungle 7:30 How to Rescue a House 8:00 Natural World 8:50 West Coast Otters 9:00 Tough Kids, Tough Love 10:00 Room 101 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Death on the Mountain: the Story of Tom Simpson I guess Robin Cook wasn’t available then.

12:20am: Joins BBC News 24.2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Clementine This is name of an excellent Decemberists song. Also, an excellent Mark Owen Song 4:00 Isabel As above, with Bjork.

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Spendaholics 21.00 Intensive Care: The Making of... 22.00 Film: Raw Deal The South Wales butchers who gave everyone food poisoning story. 23.40 Spendaholics 24.40 Trauma Uncut 01.10 Trauma Uncut 01.40 Desperate Midwives 02.10 Desperate Midwives 02.40 Life Class Please tell me this a program where we just watch a group of artists painting naked men. You’re an artist and you’re painting a gentleman in the nude, and he gets a gigantic stonker - do you draw it or not?

Discuss: 03.35 Trauma Uncut 04.05 Close Anyone who wants to campaign for us to have the MoreFour listings instead of either BBC3 or BBC4, email us please. We need some sort of motivation to get off our asses and get rid of the eons of space always left at the bottom of every BBC digital channel. Excellent, Rebel Girl by Bikini Kill just appeared on the office stereo, and I’m just going to dance around the room, see you later, losers!

Tough Kids, To u g h Love BBC2 9pm

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz 4:05 Best of Friends 4:30 The Crust 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards The Taffy daffodil-chewer continues his inexplicable dominance of childrens news. 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Road Rage School 7:30 Seaside Rescue 8:00 What Not to Wear 9:00 FILM: The Negotiator With Kevin “Not to be confused with Kevin Bacon because this Kevin selects his films carefully” Spacey.

Who’s playing Lex Luthor and wearing a bald wig in the new Superman film.

Great.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 FILM: The Negotiator Ok, this film actually isn’t worth sitting through forty minutes of BBC1 weekday cack to view. <--- read this bit first.

11:55 FILM: White Sands Not to be confused with Camber Sands in Brighton, which isn’t white, but more sewagey-beigebrown sands. 1:35am: Sign Zone: Beyond Boundaries 2:35 Sign Zone: Horizon 3:25 Sign Zone: A Year at Kew 3:55 Joins BBC News 24.

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:35 The Hoobs: Shoes 07:00 B4 07:30 Fiends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will & Grace: Last Ex To Brooklyn 08:55 3 Minute Wonder 09:00 Self Portraits 09:50 Chancers 10:15 Chancers 10:40 Trouble Online 11:05 Gcsease: The Business 11:30 Bitesize Bioleg 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala Cyfres Wedi Ei 12:50 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 House Auction 14:20 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 15:25 A Place In Greece 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:25 Cer I Greu 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Last Temptation Of Homer 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Haf Ganol Gaeaf 21:00 Sioe Gelf 21:30 Jamie's Great Escape 22:00 Lost 23:00 Supernanny 00:05 Robbie Williams On The Road To Berlin 00:40 Whatever Happened To The Minipops? 06:10 The Hoobs

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19.00 The Cost of Betrayal: Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World 20.30 Mind Games 21.00 Tales from the Palaces Caeser’s Palace and the Taj Mahal compete for the muchcoveted title of “Grooviest Palace”. The Taj reveals the secret of it’s shiny, glossy whiteness- Baby Wipes.

21.30 The Battle for the Ashes 22.10 Arrested Development 22.30 The Thick of It 23.00 QI 23.30 The Cost of Betrayal: Days That Shook the World 24.30 The Battle for the Ashes 01.10 Tales from the Palaces 01.40 The Thick of It 02.10 Mind Games 02.30 Tales from the Palaces Buckingham Palace: Covered in Corgi shit. I don’t just mean a turd here and there, I’m talking wall-smearing.

03.10 The Cost of Betrayal: Days That Shook the World The day Hearts of Gold with Esther Rantzen was taken off our screens. TV John tells me that Esther Rantzen “discovered” Sheena Easton. Wow-ee.

04.10 Close

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 13.30 Airline USA 14.00 Coronation Street 14.30 Emmerdale...Lake and Palmer.

15.00 The Ricki Lake Show 15.50 Trisha 16.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.45 Judge Judy 19.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 19.30 Spin City 20.00 Neighbourhoods from Hell This week: Cathays. During the summer, cathays is a reletively nice place. Come October, and it’s littered with filth and plagued with vermin. Interesting fact No.285: Cathay is the old English name for China.

21.00 The Contender: The Rematch 22.55 Hell's Kitchen USA 23.55 3rd Rock from the Sun 24.20 Movies Now Films I want to see at the cinema but won’t end up seeing: The Corpse Bride, The Wallace and Gromit Movie and that new Bill Murray one.24.30 Big Game TV 03.00 Teleshopping 05.00 ITV2 Nightscreen

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Starsailor “Don’t you know you’ve got your daddy’s arse and daddy was a sumo wrestler.”

9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Nothing But 1996: Number 1's 1:00 Hijacked By Gene Simmons 2:00 Without A Trace 3:00 Faking It Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Halloween Party 5:30 Friends: The One With The Stain 6:00 Without A Trace: Lost And Found 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With The Halloween Party 8:30 Friends: The One With The Stain 9:00 Tree Hill: Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows With guest stars: Brand New. 10:00 The Simple Life: Interns 10:30 Massive Balls Of Steel 11:00 The World's Most Extreme Tv 12:35 Queer As Folk 1:50 One Tree Hill 2:40 The Simple Life: Interns 3:05 Queer As Folk 4:00 Switched Up! 4:25 Switched Up!

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06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends Featuring Mr Insecticide, Dr Shoe, Rodger Rolled-up newspaper and Andrew WK 08.35 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "The Gemini Man" Mystic Grace says: “Avoid cars this week. Luck arrives in the shape of a toad.

Stay away from the other zodiac signs, they will bring trouble.”

15.30 Film: "20,000 Leagues under the Sea" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Today’s star purchase: “Home and Away- the Movie” on VHS. I haven’t had time to see it yet but I’m sure it’s 99p well spent.

I’m actually desperate to rush home and watch it.

See, the sacrifices I have to make for the sake of television listings.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Galapagos Dinosaur: Great Ocean Adventure 20.00 Film: "It Could Happen to You" Starring Marlon Brando and Arthur Dollar (50 Cent’s real name).

22.00 House 23.00 Middle Aged Mummies' Boys: Hidden Lives With our very own TV Gareth. His mum irons his pants you know.

24.00 John Barnes' Football Night 24.40 Dutch Football 02.10 Portuguese Football 03.40 Argentinian Football05.10 Argentinian

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6:00 Cubeez: Three By Three 6:10 The Hoobs: Flying 6:30The Hoobs: Times 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:25 Will & Grace 8:55 Frasier 9:25 3 Minute Wonder 9:30 Chancers 9:55 Re-Writing History: What If Section 28 Was Never Made Law? 10:00 Chancers 10:25 National Gallery 10:30 Rude Britannia 11:00 National Gallery: Portrait Of A Couple 11:05 The Theory Of Everything: Welcome To The 11th Dimension 11:55 National Gallery: Everyday Life 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction 1:30 The Savoy: Checking Into History Also featuring sausages of yore: salami,bratwurst and sausage dog.

1:55 The Hound Of The Baskervilles 3:30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:30 Come Dine With Me 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Homer The Vigilante It would be more funny if the previous programme was subtitled : “Richard the Vigilante” Each week he could go and lynch some people who haven’t paid their TV licence (cough, TV Grace, cough) and beat up some shoplifters.

6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 Risking It All Revisited 9:00 A Very Social Secretary 10:30 The Net 12:40 Bollywood Firsts: Sarfarosh Premiere 3:45 Dispatches: Undercover In The Secret State 4:45 Terra 2050: Fears And Hopes Cotta4:50 Rome: The Model Empire 5:50 Close

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6.00 GMTV. 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.30 Loose Women.

2.15 A Brush with Fame.

London 3.00 Trading Treasures.

I”ll swap you my weepy, soggy plaster (fresh from my foot) for your condo in Hawaii. 3.30 Pocoyo. Boyo... No... you are Annoyo. Sleepy Bird's Surprise 3.35 Feodor. Kidnap 3.45 Blips. Artist 4.00 All Grown Up! The Big Score 4.30 The Giblet Boys. Werewolf Owooooooooooooh.

5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 The Ferret. A boy at my school claimed to have cut up one of his ferrets and fed it to the other one. He also picked up my friend, turned her upside down to see if she had any money in her pockets (in classic comedy bully fashion).

8.00 The Bill.

9.00 All About George.

10.00 Mike Bassett: Manager. Return of the Paralytic Son 10.30 ITV News.

11.00 Wales This Week: Ridiculously damp and grey.

And slippy underfoot due to those soggy leaves. Be careful kids. 11.30 Soccer Night. 0.00 Never to be Forgotten: ITV Wales at 50.

0.30 Astounding Celebrities.

0.55 Jamiroquai in Profile. With hat: 9’4”. Sans hat: 4’2”.1.20 Providence. Heaven Can Wait featuring Belinda Carlisle, Heaven 17, The Cure, Talking heads, M people, OPM, Pavement, DJ Sammy, Maria Mckee. 2.00 Too Many Cooks 2.50 Cybernet.

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 How to Get Lucky...with me. You’d need to wear trousers for a start. And have skin. Erm, that’s about it really.

20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Spooks 23.30 Trauma Uncut 24.00 Trauma Uncut 24.30 Honey We're Killing the Kids 01.25 Spendaholics 02.25 Trauma Uncut 02.55 Trauma Uncut 03.25 Little Angels 03.55 Close Right, there’s officially fuck all to write about on BBC Three. It’s official because I said so. I’m campaigning for the introduction of More4 listings to replace one of these ridiculous channels. Until then I have to fill space by typing rubbish about how rubbish the rubbish freeview channels are. To be perfectly honest, if I’d spent the evening watching Trauma followed by Trauma Uncut then I’d probably end up in casualtly. And probably an episode of Trauma.

6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Trollz 7:25 Serious Arctic Diary 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 CBeebies Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Come Outside 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 Trade Secrets 10:30 Watch. Barnaby Bear Goes to the River Thames ...and drowns. Unfortunately there’s no Isle of Bears for his body to float and rot, so he has to make do with The Isle of Dogs. 10:45 Something Special 11:00 The Chronicles of Narnia I watched the entire series on DVD last weekend. How things have changed since watching it as a nipper. Aslan now looks like two men in a lion suit. It’s also painfully obvious how fucking ugly Lucy is. 11:15 Numbertime 11:30 Primary Internet Chat Guide 11:40 Lion Mountain 12:00 The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Nero Wolfe Mysteries Father Dowling’s German feminist alter-ego.2:30 House Invaders 3:00 Castle in the Country Castle Coch (Snigger snigger)3:30 The Big Dig 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two With celebrity chef James Martin (the housewive’s favourite) I personally would prefer to see old Worrell-Thompson strutting his stuff in a sequinned catsuit that he had to be sewn in to... but that’s just me.

7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 A Year at Kew 8:30 Around the World in 80 Treasures 9:00 Horizon 9:50 Underground Britain 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show 12:20 Joins BBC News 24.2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools:

The Me Generation S4C 9.05am

Your Union

6:00 Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 City Hospital 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic TV Gareth claims that his room smells bad because there’s a rat in his attic. It actually smells bad because he sleeps in it.

1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz 4:05 Best of Friends 4:30 The Batman 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours If you’re named after a type of soft cheese native to Somerset and France then don’t complain when people say you look like the stuff of nightmares.

6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Hotel on Sea 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Rogue Traders 8:30 The Queen's Cavalry 9:00 Spooks 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week I have managed to step on a piece of wood with a nail sticking out of it, drop a heavy painting on my toe and develop the world’s worse blister. Believe me, there’s so little skin on my foot that you can see bone. 12:25 Panorama 1:15 Holidays at Home 1:45 Sign Zone: Road Rage School With guest teacher Kenneth Noye. 2:15 Sign Zone: Sea Monsters Friendly, approachable giant Squid (30, n/s) WLTM sexy female shark for cosy nights in, with a view to a possible LTR. Must like the taste of ink. (Bert McCracken need not apply) 2:45 Joins BBC News 24.

The Thick of It BBC4 10.50pm

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A Year at Kew BBC2 7pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me: The Emperor 08:25 Will & Grace 08:55 3 Minute Wonder 09:00 National Gallery 09:05 Self Portraits: The Me Generations 09:55 Chancers 10:20 Re-Writing History 10:25 Chancers 10:50 National Gallery 10:55 Rude Britannia 11:25 National Gallery11:30 Crefyddau'r Byd - Mam Iaith 11:45 Crefyddau'r Byd - Mam Iaith 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala 12:50 Dic A Dei A Delyth 13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:15 Byd Bach Bedwyr 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 House Auction 14:20 How Clean Is Your House 14:55 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Beyblade 16:25 Wap! 16:40 Crafwr 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Cymer Fi 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Tecawe Cymru 21:00 Ydy Gwenno'n Gallu* 21:30 Darn O Dir 22:00 Bandit 22:30 A Very Social Secretary 00:05 Risking It All 01:05

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19.00 The Battle for the Ashes 19.40 Moscow: The Cold War Olympics 20.10 The British Seaside Grey and white montage of split ice-creams, broken class and miserable middle aged parents.

20.55 Holiday 21.10 Censored at the Seaside: The Postcards of Donald McGill 22.10 Film: Doctor at Sea 23.45 The Battle for the Ashes The BBC try and cash in on the Ashes. Bet you’re glad you sold the rights to that one, eh? 24.25 The Thick of It 24.55 Kelvin McKenzie Talks to Kirsty Wark Sun “legend” Kelvyn McKenzie who really needs to speak to TV Desk about how to write a good headline, gets a rigourous going-over from the sour-faced bitch. Famous McKenzie headlines include “Gotcha!” regarding us destroying various Argentinian militia (yeah, nice one) and “The Truth About Hillsborough”, which was about as true as “The Hitler Diaries”. Wanker.

01.25 Censored at the Seaside: The Postcards of Donald McGill 02.25 Face to Face 02.55 The British Seaside 03.40 Kelvin McKenzie Talks to Kirsty Wark

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21.05 The Planet's Funniest Animals 21.25 The Xtra Factor 22.10 Film: Jurassic Park TV John anecdote about going to the cinema of the week: Jurassic Park was almost the first film I ever saw in the cinema, but I decided instead, to etch gobshite-kiddy-crap Dennis firmly on my cinema-going history. I’m surprised I even went back. The cinema, incidentally, was the Warner Brothers in the ice rink complex on the outskirts of Basingstoke. Mmm can’t you just smell the glamour? I once fell asleep in the middle of the roundabout by that cinema, but that’s another story. 24.25 The X Factor 01.25 The X Factor Results 01.40 Emmerdale Omnibus 04.10 Teleshopping 05.10 ITV2 Nightscreen

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 9:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00 Whatever..

You Want 11:00 Whatever...

You Want 12:00 Westlife's Lazy Saturday 1:00 Westlife: Live In Concert 2:00 Hit40uk 2:35 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Brat Camp 7:00 Wife Swap 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 The 100 Greatest Scary Moments On it’s original showing in 2003, which made TV Desk front pages, believe it or not, I remember thinking this was one of the greatest four hours of television I’d ever seen. I think Twin Peaks is at number twenty or something, and I was very impressed at how high up Final Destination, possibly the most underrated Horror of recent years, ended. 1:00 Robbie Williams On The Road To Berlin 1:35 8 Out Of 10 Cats 2:05 Wife Swap 3:10 Hit40uk 3:30 Line Of Fire: Born To Run I don’t think I need to mention this is also an album by Bruce Springsteen.

4:15 Playing It Straight USA 5:00 Brat Camp

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06.00 Sunrise 06.55 The SaveUms! 07.10 The Save-Ums! 07.20 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.35 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.20 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.35 Franklin 09.05 Gerald McBoing Boing 09.35 The Secret of Eel Island 09.50 Extreme Football 10.05 Dragon Booster 10.35 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Red Bull Air Race World Series 14.00 Film: Jubilee Trail 16.00 Film: Shiloh 2 18.00 Film: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Starring Ashton Kutcher and Stephen Gateley.

20.05 Charmed 20.50 five news and sport 21.10 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.10 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit I missed the Quentin Tarantino directed episode when it was showed the other week, and therefore missed the guy almost being buried alive, and the discussion of the Dawn of the Dead board game.

Neither of which are typical Tarantino things at all.

23.05 To be announced Any guesses as to what this could be? Toblerone shuffling?

Roadrunner cartoons? A live concert of all my favourite transatlantic indie no-marks covering Springsteen songs? A beginners guide to stopping going about the same things all the time?

24.10 Major League Baseball 03.45 Sunset Beach 04.25 Sunset Beach 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

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5:50 Grabbit The Rabbit 5:55 Inuk 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: Le Chpionnat 7:30 4endurance: Rat Race Adventure Edinburgh 8:00 The Morning Line 8:55 T4 T4: Futurama: The Route Of All Evil 9:25 T4: June Does Swarovski Fashion Rocks For The Prince's Trust 10:00 T4: Fiends 10:30 T4: Popworld 11:20 T4: Friends 11:50 T4: The Simple Life: Interns Starring TV John’s current third favourite 12:20 T4: Rock School 12:55 T4: Totally Frank 1:25 T4: T4 Presents Robbie Willis 2:00 Channel 4 Racing From Doncaster And Newbury 4:05 The Cruel Sea 6:30 Morgan & Platell 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:30 Helen Of Troy fucked my horse.

9:35 Robbie Williams: Live In Berlin Wasn’t this on during the week? Robbie Williams’ new single sounds like M People’s One Night in Heaven: Discuss 11:10 Swarovski Fashion Rocks For The Prince's Trust Isn’t Swarovski that stupidly expensive crystal shop in the St David’s Centre that sells deluxy crystal pineapples and nonsense like that?

12:30 When Harry Met Sally Wide 2:10 Playstation Freedom Weekender Let’s see how Playstation explain their concept of ‘Freedom’ to people of Basra 3:10 Playstation Freedom Weekender 4:10 4music: Hit40uk 4:40 Do Over: Short Cuts Not to be confused with the Robert Altman film Short Cuts which is completely brilliant, and would never be relegated to the Ch4 graveyard shift.

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 Wakey!

Wakey! 7.25 Toonattik 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News; Weather. 12.35 ITV Wales News and Weather 12.45 Britain's Best Back Gardens 1.15 Britain's Best Back Gardens 1.45 ITV at the Movies 2.15 The Legend of Zorro - Behind the Mask 2.45 Watching the Detectives 3.15 Inspector Morse 5.15 ITV Wales News and Weather 5.30 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.45 New You've Been Framed!

6.15 The X Factor 7.55 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon Nice concept, shame about the execution, and the fact that they’ve made no attempt to hide the fact they’ve recycled the same cak-handed celebrities every week. I really can’t bring myself to care about whether Eamonn Holmes wins or not. Katie Holmes, however, I do care about. How’s her diary doing? “Day 23 of mine and Tom’s relationship: Tom wants me to have a baby and the rules of scientology forbid me from disagreeing with someone with more money and better film roles than me, so I agreed, even though it means the baby has to wear a toupee and be raised on breast milk from Tom’s dog, Nicole” 9.05 The X Factor Results 9.35 afterlife Why does afterlife think it’s earned the right to flaunt the laws of grammar and not have a capital ‘A’ at the beginning?

10.35 Parkinson 11.35 ITV News 11.50 FILM: Manhunter 1.55 FILM: Last Rites 3.25 cd:uk. 4.15 Entertainment Now! Repeat 4.40 Cybernet

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19.00 Three's Outtakes 19.20 Farscape 20.05 Robbie Williams: Intensive Care 21.05 Little Britain 21.35 Tittybangbang 22.05 Bodies 23.05 Film: The Mothman Prophecies “It’s got someone in it you wouldn’t expect” - Sports Desk. I’ve sinced discovered it stars Barry White, Melvyn Bragg, Pan’s People and TV Manners.

24.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.25 Forty Years of Fuck Well, if BBC3 can swear, so can I. F*****g c**t-rucking motherf*****g f**kfaced vaginal s**t-stained c**kmunch spermburger. Licking the butt-crack enema-cocktail f**k-monkey mother of all c**t-s***s. In a different f*****g s**tbag of a world, the c**t-faced pube-wiggling p***s-breathed bollock wanker would be f*****g a volumptuous horse-pussy and wrenching it’s hot beef injection down her f*****g fallopian tube. Here’s to another forty years, you w*****s.

03.50 Close

6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Friends for Dinner 12:00pm: See Hear 12:50 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 1:20 The Rockford Files 2:10 Monk Someone was telling me about Monk the other day.

He made it sound like a cross between Jonothan Creek and Columbo. That is, a wisecracking slueth slinking about solving highly implausible murders.

2:50 FILM: PT 109 5:10 The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes Not to be confused with The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes, which read a little something like this: “Woke up, Tom controlled my life for a bit, lunch break, more of Tom’s psychic prayers and noodle chanting, nap time, before I was rudely awaken by Tom for my meditation session. Bed.” 6:00 What the Papers Say 6:10 Flog It! 7:10 Who Do You Think You Are? 8:05 The Secret of Drawing 9:05 Bodies 10:05 Family Guy You read it here first - Family Guy AND American Dad. On BBC2.

10:25 American Dad 10:50 Ideal 11:20 FILM: Pope Joan 1:05am: Concorde Atlantic Crossing: Days That Shook the World 1:35 Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone 2:30 Deadly Quarrels 3:00 Building

by Numbers 3:30 The Spiral of Silence 4:00 The Rainbow 4:30 Refining the View 5:00 Reinventing the Wheel 5:30 Background Brief - Testing the Best Can Georgey boy drink 10 pints and then spell his own surname - we investigate.

5:45 Snapshots: The Parkinson Puzzle

The Cruel Sea Ch4 4.05am

Your Union

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 7:00 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 7:25 Arthur 7:50 Taz-Mania 8:10 Legend of the Dragon 8:35 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11:00 Top of the Pops Reloaded 11:45 Sportsround 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather 12:10 Football Focus 1:00 Grandstand 1:05 Racing from Aintree and Chepstow 2:30 World Masters Darts 3:45 Football Half-Times 3:50 World Masters Darts Aside from the ludicrous rivalry between darts and ‘real’ darts, which means The Power and The Viking can only play each other in Charity Shield type events, I truly belive this is the sport of kings. What would the quitequite depressing early-January evenings be without the darts on every day and night.

4:30 Final Score 5:30 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:50 What Kids Really Think “That Gary Glitter’s pretty tasty actually” 6:20 Strictly Come Dancing 7:40 The National Lottery Jet Set 8:15 Casualty 9:05 Strictly Come Dancing 9:35 Carrie and Barry Carrie from the Stephen King book of the same name, and Barry Chuckle united at last. God, another Chuckle Brothers mention anyone would think this is a student publication.

10:05 BBC News; Weather 10:25 Match of the Day 11:35 FILM: Steal The story of TV John’s Geography GCSE coursework.

12:55am: Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 1:55 Joins BBC News 24.

UFO’s - The Secret Evidence S4C 12.10am

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Family Guy BBC2 10.05pm

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06:15 The Hoobs 06:40 The Hoobs 07:05 British Formula 3 Championship 07:30 British Superbikes 08:00 The Morning Line 08:55 Scrapheap Challenge 10:00 Totally Frank 10:30 The Simple Life 11:00 Britney And Kevin Urgh.

11:30 Pepsi Max Downloaded Girls Aloud 12:30 Friends 13:00 V Festival 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 16:00 Friends 16:30 Friends 17:00 Newyddion 17:10 Y Clwb Rygbi - Leinster V Gleision 19:25 Y Clwb PêlDroed 20:00 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 20:15 Ar Y Lein 20:45 Margaret Williams 21:30 Con Passionate 22:35 Film: One Night At Mccool's 00:10 Ufos: The Secret Evidence Sounds like a TV equivalent of one of those “Aww mayan I saw it maayan! There wuz a light sharning right over my ranch darn Saturday” type anecdote tales 02:15 Building Of The Year With Kevin Mccloud “Talybont Court” - Univeristyfocussed editor Tom Wellingham “My Summer Sundae tent” Loki. 04:05 Kotv 04:35 Diwedd/Close

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Sunday

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Oct 17 - Oct 23 2005

richardofyork@gavebattleinvain.co.uk

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6:10 Making It 6:15 The Hoobs: Puppets 6:40 The Hoobs: Angry 7:05 Transworld Sport 8:00 British Gt Championship 8:30 Freesports On 4: Snowboarding 9:00 T4 Hit40uk 9:30 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:10 T4: Swarovski Fashion Rocks For The Prince's Trust 1:30 T4: T4 Presents Robbie Willis Is this a typo? who knows. I don’t care. Robbie Willis sounds cooler. 2:05 T4: Totally Frank 2:35 T4: The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish 3:10 T4: Stargate Sg-1: Avatar 4:05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise: The Augments 5:00 The Simpsons: The Way We Was 5:30 Scrapheap Challenge 6:35 Lost 7:30 Channel 4 News 8:00 Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 10:10 Swimfan Premiere 11:45 The Real John Lennon 1:25 Temple Of Bling The Owain Glyndwr on a Saturday night.

2:25 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 2:55 Monster Mania 3:25 French Football: Le Championnat 5:15 Freesports On 4: Globe World Cup 6:10 Close

06.00 Softies 06.05 Titch 06.20 Old Bear Stories 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 The Save-Ums! 07.05 The SaveUms! 07.15 Bird Bath 07.30 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Harry and his Bucket Call Full of Dinosaurs 08.20 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs with Pterodactyl-a-like Alex Kaparonos. 08.35 Franklin 09.05 Gerald McBoing Boing 09.35 Demolition Dad 09.50 Extreme Football 10.05 Michaela's Wild Challenge 10.35 Make It Big 11.05 The New Tomorrow 11.35 Heroes of History 12.10 A Different Life 12.35 The History of British Sculpture 13.10 five news update 13.20 Film: "Ride Clear of Diablo" 14.55 Film: "Any Which Way You Can"...finish this damn page. 17.00 Two and a Half Men 17.30 Two and a Half Men Peter Crouch, the bouncer from Metros and Tom Cruise. 18.00 five news and sport 18.15 Film: "Gremlins" With one of my favourite film scenes. (The old woman and the stairlift).

20.00 Britains Worst...

Teenager My mum actually brought a book entitled “Help! I’ve got a Teenager”.

It didn’t stop me from being an evil parent bully from hell, but it did give her useful tips on how to tell if I’d been sniffing glue.

21.00 Film: "Gladiator" With “Ol’ warty” Crowe and Whack-him Phoenix. I wrote an essay about this, so I’ve seen it about 80,000 times.23.55 Red Bull Air Race World Series 24.25 Major League Baseball 04.00 US Major League Soccer 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

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6.00 GMTV2.

9.25 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon.

10.35 Nanny 911.

11.20 Emmerdale Omnibus.

2.05 FILM: Jurassic Park.

(1993) TV John is writing about this film too, as ITV2 have shown this twice in less than 24 hours, the quality, innovative and fresh channel that it is. Jeff Goldblum is on my favourite actors list. Features cruelty to goats. You have been warned.

4.30 Coronation Street Omnibus.

6.50 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon.

8.00 The X Factor.

9.40 The X Factor Results.

10.10 The Xtra Factor.

10.55 Jordan and Peter: Marriage and Mayhem. Married Life 11.55 Coronation Street.

0.25 The Frank Skinner Show.

Manchester United and Wales footballer Ryan Giggs and charttopping US band the Backstreet Boys join Frank Skinner for more stand-up comedy and unpredictable chat.

1.25 cd:uk.

2.25 Teleshopping.

6:10 Making It: Qiniso And Friends Mouuld Clay Warthogs 6:15 The Hoobs 6:40 The Hoobs 7:05 Transworld Sport 8:00 British GT Championship 8:30 Freesports On 4 9:00 T4 Hit40uk 9:30 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:10 T4 1:30 T4 Presents Robbie Williams 2:05 T4: Totally Frank 2:35 T4: The Simpsons 3:10 T4: Stargate Sg1: Avatar 4:05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise: The Augments 5:00 The Simpsons 5:30 Scrapheap Challenge 6:35 Lost: Whatever The Case May Be 7:30 Channel 4 News My housemate pointed out that Krishnan Guru-Murphy seems to be forever presenting the news, whatever time of day it may be. He never looks tired either. I don’t think he’s actually human. Or perhaps he sleeps under the desk and is pumped full of speed every morning.

8:00 Film: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 10:10 Film: Swimfan If you’ve ever been to Maindy Pool you’ll know that it’s more like “Paddlefan” seeing as the deepest it gets is about a metre. I suppose an advantage of this is that you can see the bottom and therefore avoid any sunken plasters or hairy-hairbobbles. In proper deep pools you always get hot (kiddiepiss) and cold patches which is rather disconcerting. And in the showers there’s always one fat old lady who showers naked ‘cos she’s proud of her body. Swimming caps make you look like a goblin and you’re always hungry afterwards.

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19.00 Birdland: Tango Jealousy 19.05 Massive Nature 19.35 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 20.05 A Very British Olympics Croquet, Swingball, Tiddlywinks, Cricket, Sheepdog Trials (he was innocent, honest) Draughts, Rummy, Tea-drinking, Scone quaffing, drinking and fighting.

21.05 Heimat - 3 22.50 Thoroughly Modern Antiques Lionel Blair.

23.20 Writers on Sport 23.30 A Very British Olympics Part 2: Stiff upper lipping, badger-bating, avoiding having to sittoo close to strangers,flat cap tossing, the smell of wet dog, jam-making, handlebar moustache-twizzling 24.30 Black Flash: A Century of Black Footballers 01.50 Matt Monro: The Man With The Golden Voice 02.50 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 03.20 A Very British Olympics 04.20 Close And its goodnight from TV John and TV Grace. TV Gareth left about three hours ago mumbling something about beauty sleep.

6.00 GMTV 10.20 The Championship 11.20 The X Factor 1.00 The X Factor Results 1.30 Jonathan Dimbleby 2.25 Waterfront 2.55 ITV Wales News and Weather 3.00 Skillz 3.30 World Rally Championship 4.30 Nanny McPhee... TV Trivia No. 21:This was also the surname of Pacey’s girlfriend Andie (and sister of Jack) in Dawson’s Creek. I also had the soundtrack album which featured gems like Bewitched with “Don’t Blame it on the Weatherman.” and “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer, because i’m THAT hip.5.00 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote I once went on holiday to this “lovely” (note inverted commas) island. It was windy all the time, and I wanted to get a tan so I could show off to all my golden sunkissed holiday skin, so I used coconut oil instead of suntan lotion. I ended up with blisters the size of 50p coins all over my chest. Nice.

6.00 Wales on the Move.

6.25 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.40 ITV News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 Jericho. The Killing of Johnny Swan 11.00 ITV News 11.10 The South Bank Show.

Michael Winterbottom 0.10 Mosque 1.10 Faith and Music.

Featuring old favourites Jesus’ Hands (are kind hands), Who Put the Colours in the Rainbow, Sing Hossanah ( a favourite of Perri Lewis), All Things Bright and Beautiful, and He’s got the whole world in his hands. 1.50 Motorsport UK 2.30 World Sport 2.55 The Vampire Hunter with Nigel Marven 3.50 The Jeremy Kyle Show 4.50 ITVNightscreen.5.30 ITV Early

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19.00 The Office: An American Workplace 19.25 Honey We're Killing the Kids 20.25 Film: "The Italian Job" If this is the remake (which it probably is) then it’s utterly pooh.

22.00 Funland Not as “fun” as Graceland.

22.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days 24.25 Swiss Toni 24.55 Funland 01.45 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.15 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.45 The Comic Side of 7 Days 03.15 Honey We're Killing the Kids I had a child once. She died of a mystery disease called “far prickle prickle”, through no fault of my own. I told her to stay away from the thistles but she wouldn’t listen. P. S. Her name was Gracelet. 04.15 Close

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GOODNIGHT.

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:10 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Style What do TV desk like to wear on a sunday?

TV Grakko D: Pyjamas and a satin smoking jacket; TV John: A top hat, a potato sack and wellies. TV Gareth: Nothing but a woolly hat knitted by his gran and a verruca sock. 11:30 Property People Shorts 12:00pm: Sunday Grandstand 12:05 Tri-Nations Rugby League 12:40 Turkish Motorcycle Grand Prix Goddamit i’m thinking about turkish delight now. Yum yum yum. The only con to stuffing your face with turkish delight is that everyone knows what you’ve been doing due to the telltale cloud of white powder about your person. [Insert hilarious Kate Moss reference here] 2:05 Racing from Aintree 3:30 World Masters Darts 5:40 Big Cat Diary: Family Histories Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon. When you coming home son I don’t know when. We’ll be together then,You know we’ll have a good time then. If in doubt, insert song lyric.

6:10 Natural World 7:00 Top of the Pops 7:35 Malcolm in the Middle 8:00 Trafalgar 200: Nelson - Legend and Legacy 9:00 Girls and Boys: Sex and British Pop 10:00 Have I Got News for You 10:30 Match of the Day 2 11:30 Arrested Development 11:50 FILM: Noriega: God's Favourite 1:40am: Dear Television 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Get Reading, Get Writing: Why I have been to the library tonight AND written this too. Feel quite smug.3:00

P

STUDENT SAVER

Jurassic Park ITV2 2.05am

PRIMETIME

6:00: Breakfast 7:45 Match of the Day 9:00 Sunday AM 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:00 Countryfile 12:00 The Politics Show 1:00 Keeping Up Appearances 1:30 Cash in the Attic 2:00 Diagnosis Murder 2:50 EastEnders 4:40 Lifeline 4:50 Points of View 5:05 Songs of Praise 5:45 As Time Goes By The award for rubberiest face in comedy goes to Geoffery Palmer. 6:15 Last of the Summer Wine TV John has consumed half a bottle of red wine this evening yet still managed to write three pages in the time it’s taken me to write one and-a-half.

6:45 Antiques Roadshow 7:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00 Monarch of the Glen 9:00 Waking the Dead This week they attempt to resurrect Buddy Holly by exhuming his body and playing Nick Berry’s famous cover of “Heartbeat” on repeat for seven consecutive days. Needless to say the experiment fails miserably.

10:00 BBC News; Weather 10:15 Panorama 10:55 FILM: Life I don’t wanna see a ghost, it’s a sight that I fear most, I’d rather have a piece of toast and watch the evening news. Des’ree reveals the heartache, angst and breakdowns behind every hit. Warning: contains graphic imagery of bread, news and men in sheets which some viewers may find distressing.

12:40am: Joins BBC News 24. It is now 2am. I want to rip my eyes out.

E

029 20229977

Gremlins C5 6.15pm

PRIMETIME

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 07:55 World Superbikes 2005 08:25 Freesports On 4 08:55 Hit40uk 09:25 Hollyoaks 09:55 Hollyoaks 10:30 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Hollyoaks 12:00 Maniffesto Is this a manifesto? 12:30 Yr Wythnos Cyfres Newyddion I Ddysgwyr 13:00 Rownd A Rownd 13:30 Rownd A Rownd 14:00 Stargate 14:55 Star Trek 15:50 Y Clwb Rygbi - Sgarlets V Glasgow 18:00 Newyddion 18:05 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws replacing the ‘u’ with a ‘w’ in every word and you’ve mastered the Welsh in one simple step.

20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20:30 Portreadau 21:00 Emyn Roc A Rôl 21:50 Newyddion 22:00 Blas Y Cynfyd Cyfres Newydd 22:30 Film: Zoolander 00:05 Bremner, Bird & Fortune 01:05 Film: Bread And Roses Biopic of Ian Brown’s early years as a little urchin stealing bread to survive on the mean streets of deepest, darkest Manchester. 02:55 Film: Taxi 04:30 Morgan & Platell 05:00 Diwedd/Close

Five Minute Fun

October 17 2005

Page 35

ruiningyourlectures@gairrhydd.com

NOT BETTER

?

No, what really annoys me is that I keep getting told they’re intelligent - especially middle-aged frontman Alex Kapranos.

Where’s the proof exactly? It can’t be their lyrics - asymmetrical ramblings about nothing in particular; going to the cinema in the afternoon; asking people to take them out; or, in the case of the new single, Oasis style ‘do ya wanna oh yeah’ moron nonsense. Maybe it’s that they all went to art-school? But only one of them did and the rest studied business or leisure or are German or something. Maybe it’s because they’ve got short haircuts?

And look less like primates than the average rock band. I’ll stop: I don’t know why they’re considered intelligent but they sure are.

It’s become a given - pick up of

The Big Quiz THIS WEEK: ONE LESS QUESTION

1.What does Rachel Whitehead’s new installation at the Tate modern consist of?

A: Lots of boxes stacked on top of each other B: Old shoes C: Naked men playing poker - holding winning hands alleged to have got cowboys in the old west killed D: A giant fossilised anchor and fake waves 2. Which of thee fast-food chains recently abandoned its scheme to make its food healthier?

A: B: C: D:

any Franz Ferdinand feature, interview, review (and there’re lots, especially in the Guardian where they’ve even given Kapranos a weekly column about food. ABOUT FOOD! Unbelievable) and you’ll read throw away comments about this bands wit, intelligence, and depth.

We need a re-examination.

Sometimes things pass into fact, and sometimes these things are bollocks, and sometimes these things make the measure of important things like intelligence something vacuous - like having a Scottish accent, or wearing a stripey T-shirt, or because everyone else says so - and that’s no good Ramones, now they were smart.

Colm Loughlin

McDonalds Subway Burger King KFC

HOW TO PLAY SU DOKU:

3. When hosting the Q Awards what did Jonathan Ross joke that the magazine’s tagline should be?

A: Old tossers who still love Britpop and think John Harris is cutting edge B: Dull. Dull. Dull.

C: Baladeering’s great, honest. Have you heard James Blunt? He’s ace D: Too old for dance, too scared for rap

Fill in the grid using only the numbers 1 through 9. All the vertical and horizontal rows should contain the numbers 1-9. All the smaller 3x3 squares should contain the numbers 1-9. No row or 3x3 square should have the same number twice.

CROSSWORD:

4. Which of these Six Feet Under characters just died?

A: B: C: D:

Brenda David Nate Rico

answers: 1.A, 2.C, 3.D, 4.C

F

ranz Ferdinand might as well live with me. In my room; waiting for me to wake up so they can play their jittery glam-funk that sounds like the theme to a rubbish TV show.

They’re everywhere. I can’t breath for hearing about their fantastic new record, or how they make the mainstream better, or how they’re all such natural celebs, dripping savvy arthouse cool, making us inferior civilians look grey and dull and like we wouldn’t know an artful pout if it jumped us and on and on.

All this annoys me, sure, but not so much as I can’t handle. I’ve long since accepted not expecting to be excited by the biggest band in Britain; remember Oasis, or Coldplay? They were rubbish.

SU DOKU:

HALL OF SHAME A

s the gair rhydd Hall of Shame begins to gather momentum there are rumors around the office of another page being added just to showcase your bad behaviour.

Keep snapping yourselves in compramising positions and text your pics in to the office on the number below.

Happy snapping indeed.

MANEQUIN: Abuse anyone?

Text 07791

165 837

UNION: On the market.

TALYBONT COURT: Allegedly.

SLEEP: Bad idea near pens and evil housemates.

DRUNK: Not allegedly.

ACROSS

DOWN

1 Fast moving platforms on rollers (11) 9 Enticing quality (13) 10 Praised enthusiastically (8) 12 Garden pest (4) 14 Grind the teeth (5) 15 Highland groups (5) 19 Cereal used to make porridge (4) 20 Logically concludes (8) 22 Kingcup (5,8) 24 (Tax) calculations (11)

2 Young goat (3) 3 Liable to laugh when touched (8) 4 Removed water with a scoop (6) 5 Felled (4) 7 Residue of a fire (5) 8 Customery practice (5) 11 Drugs dissolved in alcohol (9) 13 __tonic, low-calorie drink (9) 16 School classes (5) 17 Wall paintings (6) 18 Remark addressed to the audience (5) 21 Frying medium in indian cookery (4) 23 Decide, make a choice (3)

Jobs & Money

Page 36

October 17 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

The writing’s on the wall Heading down the wrong career path?

The warning signs could be in your handwriting WHAT’S YOUR STYLE? Write your way to a career that suits you

HANDWRITING: What will your writing reveal?

By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor

W

riting experts believe that handwriting analysis could be the key to discerning your ideal career.

A survey of a hundred graduates’ handwriting revealed that one in ten were looking for jobs that did not suit their personalities. One in three had chosen the right industry sector but were planning to do the wrong job.

Graphologist, Adam Brand, who carried out the survey, found that just under half of the graduates had made the wrong career choice.

“This sample of recent graduates indicates that while the majority are on the right track in terms of the type of industry they are attracted to, there are many others who are climbing the

wrong career ladder.”

Harralson, President of the American Handwriting Analysis Foundation, says that although handwriting analysis is not foolproof, it is an extremely accurate way of measuring someone’s potential.

By examining a handwriting sample, an expert graphologist is able to identify relevant features of the handwritten script, which can then be interpreted as indications of certain personality traits.

Although analysing individual letters can show a trend in the writer’s personality, a clear interpretation can only be gained by looking at the interaction between all the letters.

Various aspects of a person’s writing such as the speed at which the words are written, the slope and size of the writing, the spacing between letters

and pressure of the pen are all taken into account.

Even the type of pen a person chooses to write with can indicate the personality of the writer and show whether they are suited to a particular career.

These elements put together reveal the type of job that suits the person being analysed.

Despite many people’s reservations about this technique, handwriting analysis is considered to be so accurate that its use has been on the rise as part of the screening process for potential employees.

This is because the technique is so objective. Handwriting analysts can’t discern your gender, race, education, age or background from your writing, only how suited you would be to a particlar job.

Writer’s slant The slant of the writing is meant to indicate whether you look towards the future or cling on to the past.

Writing which slants to the right indicates a move toward the future, whereas writing which slants towards the left suggests you cling on to the past.

Left-slanting writing is seen in people who are more emotional and nurturing, and is more common in women than in men. This personality trait is also common in people with ‘garland’ writing.

This means that the writing slopes downwards towards the middle of a word, and then rises towards the end of the word, forming a bowl-like shape on the page.

Heavily right-slanted writing is also seen in people who are impatient or in a hurry.

People who are very independent tend to have very upright handwriting.

Pressure High pressure on the paper indicates the writer has high levels of committment and takes things very seriously.

If the pressure of the writing is too heavy, though, this can indicate a tendency to get uptight at times the person may be inclined to react quickly to what they regard as criticism.

Angles or loops Angular writing with sharp points suggests you are more suited to careers in business or project-based work, rather than a more nurturing job such as a nurse, for example.

Full loops and heavy pressure are

generally seen in someone with energy and money-making possibility.

It also indicates a tendency to dream up ideas and mull them over.

If the tails of lower-zone letters such as g, y and p go straight down without a curve, this can indicate impatience to get a job done.

Cradled lower stroke letters, on the other hand, indicate an avoidance of aggression or confrontation.

If your lower zone letters are very varied, the writer may be unfocused and feel emotionally unsettled.

Size matters Tall upper case letters such as l, t and h indicate a person who is ambitious and reaches towards their goals.

Small writing is a strong indicator of a detailed, technical personality.

If your letters are wide, it generally means you are extroverted and may be more suited to jobs working with the public.

Tall initials come from people who regard themselves as impressive, whereas people whose initials are small are more modest in nature, and concentrate on facts rather than ideas.

Margins When writing on unlined paper, the size of margin a person will leave can reveal the way they view their future.

A wide left-hand margin shows an interest in moving on, whereas people who leave little space are much more cautious about the future.

Narrow right-hand margins come from people who are impatient and eager to get on with things, whereas someone who leaves a wider righthand margin may have a fear of the unknown.

Jobs & Money

October 17 2005

Page 37

jobs@gairrhydd.com

PHONES FOR WHO?

Europeans pay less for their mobile phones abroad, exposes new website

B

ritish tourists are having to pay more to use their mobile phones abroad than many Europeans in the same country.

Research by the European Commission showed that it costs 50% more for a Brit to make and receive calls in Italy than it does a French visitor to the same country.

Of the major UK networks, Orange proved to be the cheapest on which to make and receive calls in France, Germany and Spain, charging £2.80 for an outgoing call and £1.20 for an incoming call.

This research supports the launch of a new website designed to help consumers find out how much it will cost them to use their phone abroad.

The site does not attempt to list all the thousands of ‘roaming’ tariffs in the E.U but, instead, sets out a sample

of rates that travellers can expect to face in the 25 E.U countries.

These rates were described as being “hard to believe,” according to the EU information technology commissioner, Viviane Reding.

“That is why the Commission aims, with this new website, to give the consumer the knowledge to make an informed choice, to enhance competition in the industry, and to encourage fairer and cheaper pricing."

Alison Hopkins, a member of the National Consumer Council, felt that the website would enable customers to make better choices and would also help increase competition amongst mobile phone companies.

To view the website go to http://europa.eu.int/information_society/ac tivities/roaming/index_en.htm

Swydd/Job:

Information Advisors x 4

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Ardal/Area:

Tal/Wage:

£6.50 per hour

Tal/Wage:

Oriau/Hours:

Variable shifts (day & eve)

Oriau/Hours:

Temporary Christmas Staff Cardiff £5.77 per hour (over 21) Various shifts

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing

Parhad/Duration:

Manylion/Details: Bilingual (Welsh/English)

Manylion/Details: High street retail jewellers is

students needed to answer tele

looking for friendly, smiley, trust

phone queries about recycling.

worthy staff to serve customers.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

015

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

031

Swydd/Job:

Telesales Advisors x 8

Swydd/Job:

Venue Photographer & Web Promoter

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£6 per hour plus incentive

Tal/Wage:

£50-£75 per night (£25 per venue)

Oriau/Hours:

9-15 hours per week

Oriau/Hours:

Fri and/or Sat 10pm-2am

Parhad/Duration:

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing

Manylion/Details: You will be making pre-arranged

Manylion/Details: Reliable final year students

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

outbound calls to existing and

needed to help with venue

potential customers in order to

marketing at local nightclubs

maximise the sale of insurance

(would suit business or photog

products.

raphy students).

038

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

039

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Lifestyle changes at Uni can affect the way you use your phone. Jobs and Money explores the hottest deals.

O2 NETWORK O2 are offering 12 months free line rental with the Nokia 3120 free.

For this you also get 400 free anytime x-network minutes for the first three months and then 200 minutes thereafter. You also get 200 texts per month for the first three months and then 100 thereafter.

After twelve months the line rental goes up to £25 per month.

Orange are also including three months free insurance.

ORANGE Orange’s student deal offers you 1000 texts per month, 120 minutes and 50% off calls to UK landlines.

You get a choice of a range of free phones as well for £25 per month.

Insurance is also available for £5 per month. For pay-as-you-go phones Orange are offering 3000 free evening and weekend texts every month if you top up your pay-

as-you-go phone by at least 15 pounds every month.

VODAFONE Vodafone are offering 12 months half price line rental on the free Motorola V3.

You pay eight pounds per month for 1000 off peak minutes and 250 texts.

Vodafone are also offering a free Samsung 2500 with 200 anytime minutes and 250 texts for £12.50 per month, or 500 texts for £15 per month.

T-MOBILE T-mobile are also offering half price line rental for 12 months. You pay £14.50 per month for 12 months and get 300 minutes to any network at any time. Choose from the sony ericsson D750, the Motorola V3 or the Samsung D500 for free.

Visit www.e4s.co.uk for more details.

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Page 38

s g n i t Lis

Recommended

October 17 2005

listings@gairrhydd.com

The distincly unique gair rhydd This week: a comedy-fest, bowling for liquid Pick e of th k Wee

Edinburgh and Beyond @ Sherman Sat 22 Oct £10 / 7.30pm Schmit recommends

E

very self-proclaimed comedy fan should be wetting their pants with anticipation this week, as some of the prominent comedians from this year’s Edinburgh festival stop off at the Sherman.

In just a short time, Reginald D Hunter has firmly established himself as one of the most sought after headline comedians on the circuit.

Audiences everywhere have been enthralled by his straight-talking, no-holds-barred approach to some of the most contentious issues of contemporary society.

His career has gone from strength to strength with his standup performances perfectly combining his love of acting with his great passion for see-

ing the funnier side of life.

This potent blend of down to earth honesty and hilarious anecdotes about his life and relationships has captivated audiences everywhere and been the bedrock of his success.

Also on the bill is Ian Boldsworth (AKA Ray Peacock). Ian is a prolific writer and comic performer who first came to prominence as part of the highly successful Big And Daft comedy trio.

He played a date at the union last year which went down a treat, and his angry-geezer humour is worth seeing if you get the chance.

Russell Howard was an instant hit with his innate ability to improvise on any subject, Russell makes the stage his own personal playground and thrives on spontaneous chats with his audience, leading them down a never-ending series of unstoppably comical journeys.

Finally to another Russell (who took ten years plucking up the courage to stand up and perform), Russell Kane,. who’s developed a turbo-charged, self-loathing, brand of humour that tackles everything from psycholinguistics to anal tapeworm disorder.

So there we go; four great comedians, and all at one low studentfriendly price.

James Blunt @ St David’s Hall Wed 19 Oct 7.30pm / £14

Curitz recommends

J

ames Blunt has made himself a household name with his individual sound and strangely good looks, kicking Coldplay off the top spot for eight weeks with his debut album Back to Bedlam It has also won him the Q award for Best Breakthrough Artist (other nominees including Hard-Fi, Kaiser Cheifs and The Magic Numbers).

Since the release of his fist single from the album, You’re Beautiful, (yes ladies, that’s the one you wish he was singing to you) 28-year-old Blunt has taken the world by storm, seemingly acquiring the ability to make women fall in love with him and men want to be him.

Coming Up

His beautifully crafted melodies, strong words and poignant videos have something for everyone, making him, for sure, one of the hottest new acts of the year.

His military upbringing and service in the British Army play a fundamental role in his music.

Having had his musical talent suppressed by his father from a young age, and then serving in Kosovo after numerous bad career choices, Blunt moved to Los Angeles to record with Tom Rothrock.

"Well if you were sent to boarding school aged seven, studied Engineering by mistake (I thought we were going to fly planes, but we just pulled metals apart – the brochure was very misleading),

joined the army by default, guarded The Queen, buried The Queen Mother and pranced around London like a tit for Japanese tourists to photograph, “what you’re going to want to do very much after that, besides getting stoned and laid, is put your gun down, pick up a guitar and make an album?"

Well I tell you what, we’re bloody glad you did, Mr Blunt. Wish I could see him, but the tickets are all sold out for his St. David’s Hall date!

It must be all this recent publicity and awards that he is getting.Oh yeah, and by the way, if anyone has a spare ticket... ?

Four Tet - Thur 27 Oct @ The Point ... The Subways - Mon 31 Oct @Cardiff SU ... Martha Wainwright - Thur 3 Nov @ SU ... Motorhead - Thur 3 Nov @ SU ... Bloodhound Gang Sat 5 Nov @ SU ... Harry Hill - Sun 6 Nov @ Millennium Centre ... Roots Unearthed: World Rhythms Sun 6 Nov @ St. David’s Hall ... Alice Cooper / Twisted Sister - Mon 7 Nov @ Cardiff International Arena...

Dizzee Rascal - Thurs 10 Nov @ SU ... Bob Geldof: The Man , The Songs, The Stories - Fri 11 Nov @ St. David’s Hall ... Taste Of Chaos Tour: The Used, Rise Against, Funeral For A Friend - Sat 12 Nov @ Cardiff International Arena ... Starsailor - Sun 13 Nov @ SU ... Franz Ferdinand - Mon 14 Nov @ Cardiff International Arena ... Bass Invaders 4: Roni Size, Dynamite MC, Pendulum - Sat 19 Nov @ SU ... Jem Tues 29 Nov @ SU ...

Ordinary Boys / Automatic

@ Great Hall Mon 17 Oct

7.30pm / £12.50 Schmit recommends

O

k, so I guess a lot of you are reading this wondering a) who the Automatic are and b) why I’m recommending them as they are only supporting The Ordinary Boys.

Well, over the next few months you will certainly know the answer to both of these questions, but I will explain.

The Automatic are a local band who have just signed to Kaiser Chiefs/Ordinary Boys label BUnique, and I would put my left hand (it’s less risky than my right) on them becoming larger than Michelle McManus’ pants in the coming months.

They are a four-piece indie band with a strong electro buzz, and have already caused quite a stir around

the Cardiff music scene. They have already played a couple of times to a packed out Barfly, plus gigs in Clwb Ifor Bach, and Le Pub in Newport.

Now though, hot on the heels of their debut London gig, comes their first gig in Cardiff’s Student Union, supporting The Ordinary Boys. I should really mention them as well (as they are the headliners after all!), although I did purchase my ticket solely because of The Automatic’s appearance.

The Ordinary Boys are of course a slightly Scally-ish four-piece hailing from Brighton, who have just come back from performing at a New York festival.

Fans of Soccer AM will also appreciate, they are better at playing their instruments than they are at playing football.

Many people I’ve spoken to, seem to feel they are the ‘Marmite’ of the music world, with people either loving or hating them. I have to be awkward and say that I quite like them but they don’t provide the same excitement as a Screamburger.

Anyway, if you have tickets, I guarantee that you will be oozing more satisfaction than at a typical Rolling Stones gig. Sometimes you come across a quite brilliant and enigmatic support band that leaves you stunned, and wanting more.

The Automatic are this band. You are VERY lucky.

October 17 2005

Day By Day

Page 39

listings@gairrhydd.com

listings with Schmit and Curitz food, and the not so sharp James Blunt....

Monday17/10 Pick Of The Day Live @ SU Ordinary Boys / The Automatic. The Automatic really are quite marvellous, but see facing page for further details. 7pm. £12.50.

Tuesday18/10 Pick Of The Day Live @ SU KT Tunstall. Singer/songwriter and former vocalist with Red Light Stylus. She seems to have become an overnight megastar, after her last two top ten hits. With her live performance promising to be mind-blowing, this is a must see. Tunstall was nominated for a Mercury award earlier this year but missed out to Anthony and the Johnsons. You however, should not be missing out on this. Her technique is both unique and incredible. 7pm £13.50

X Factory @ The Taf X-press DJs. 9pm-1am FREE Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @ Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @ Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. 8.45pm. £2/£1 if you perform.

Live @ Barfly Pure Reason Revolution/ iLIKETRAiNS / Lyca Sleep. A great mix of bands drawing their inspiration from the likes of Led Zeppelin, Sigur Ros and the Super Furry Animals. Doors 7.30pm £6 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach 3RD DAN + We Are Trees. Guitars filled with joy and angst, swathes of beautiful yet unnerving electronica sit upon taut but supple rhythms. Love, solitude hope and fear, emotions we all share, emotions continually vying for our attention, day in, day out. 8pm.

FREE!

Comedy Club @Seren Las, SU 8-11pm. £4 NUS. Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Robot Rock @ Barfly The Barfly provides and alternative clubbing experience, and with them giving you the opportunity to sample its nightlife for free for a night, it’s an opportunity that you should definately take. 10.30pm. £3 Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50.

Live@Barfly Duels (formerly Sammy USA)/ The Research. Doors 7.30pm £6 Live @ St. David’s Hall Roots Unearthed: World Rhythms/ The Oysterband/ Nick Harper. A blend of folkrock, often with hard-edged lyrics, is true to the tradition of folk music which deals with integrity, passion, human experience and emotion. 8pm £8

Friday21/10

Saturday22/10

Fat Friday @Solus, SU It’s a revamped Lashtastic. That’s FAT, not PHAT. If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

Live @ SU Bowling For Soup. See ‘Fat Friday’. 7pm. £13.

Pick Of The Day Beneath The Surface @ Clwb Ifor Bach Leave Land For Water / Your Vegas. There's a massive buzz around this Leeds five piece Your Vegas, at the moment, since their debut self-titled single release in August. 8pm. £4 The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro. 10pm. £3.50.

Mad4It! @Barfly Every Friday Night at Cardiff Barfly join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors and much, much more. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Blues Dragon Club @ Cafe Jazz 9.30pm £3 Live @ Barfly New School of Rock Tour: The Answer/ Tokyo Dragons/The Sound Explosion.7.30pm. £6.50.

Live @ The Point (Cardiff Bay) Letz Zep. They have the reputation for being the only band capable of doing justice to Led Zeppelin.7pm. £10 Cardiff Philharmonic Orchestra @ St. David’s Hall Beginning a new season of CPO concerts, this rousing performance features a programme of popular and thrilling music from America.

7.30pm. £5.

Come Play @Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul, fun, and Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @Barfly Welcome to the Indie party fest that is Flyswatter. Every Saturday the safe haven of the Barfly brings you a club night your dancing shoes have been crying out for. All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a saturday.

9pm - 2am.

Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly 65daysofstatic/ Youth Movie Soundtrack Strategies. 7pm. £7.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach No Star v Derwyddion / Java. Supercup Battle Of The Bands. No Star (winners battle of the bands C2 / Mentrau Iaith 2005) v Derwyddion (winners battle of the bands Cymdeithas Yr Iaith 2005) & Java (winner battle of the bands C2 / Y Gymdeithas 2004) will be first to the stage. 9pm £4 The Red Army Ensemble @ St. David’s Hall Experience a night of thrilling Russian traditional dance and song in this amazing concert.

7.30pm. £12.50 Live @ Jonggleurs Simon B Cotter / Noel Britten / Dominic Frisby / Michael Legge.7pm. £10.

Edinburgh and Beyond 2005 @ Sherman See facing page for further details.

Wednesday19/10

Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. Need I say anymore? Thought not. Get there between 7 and 8pm to watch some big screen sporting action with ‘Score’ and entry is free.10pm. £3.

Indie Kids Die In Hot Bars @ The Barfly Featuring the latest and greatest new music, live acts and guest DJ’s. The team behind Fly Swatter bring you Indie Kids Die in Hot Bars.

10.30pm. £4 Cheapskates @ Metros Alternative & cheese. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am.

Wednesdays @ Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Traffic @ The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.

8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS. Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music- rawkus 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3.

Live @ Sherman Shakespeare Schools Drama Festival. Part of a nationwide celebration of Shakespeare in schools. Four local schools stage four different half hour plays. Call theatre for times. £4 Pick Of The Day Live @ St. David’s Hall James Blunt/ The Boy Least Likely To. James Blunt is one of the hottest acts of the year. This concert is going to be huge.

See facing page for further details.7.30pm £14 Live @ C.I.A La Veillee des Abysses:James Thierreef. £5 Live @ Barfly Leaves/ The Fallout Trust/ Sireus. The Leaves were originally part of the Trees, but they branched out a bit.7.30pm £6

Sunday23/10

Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case the wrong ones.

MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

No Wax @ Moloko Bring your MP3s and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Live @ The Point (Cardiff Bay) Ian Parker Band. A top young British blues guitarist. 7.30pm. The Point can be found on Mount Stuart Square in the Bay and is one of Cardiff’s most promising music venues. It was originally an old church but has recently been renovated into a gig / comedy / film venue. £7.

Amici Forever @ St. David’s Hall The sensational Opera group Amici Forever are playing one of only 3 British dates at the Hall in an exclusive tour to promote their brand new album Defined. Join soprano Jo Appleby, mezzo-soprano Tsakane Valentine and tenors Geoff Sewell and David Habbin for a night of unforgettable opera. 7.30pm. £19.50.

Kathryn Williams @ The Glee Club (Cardiff Bay) Kathryn Williams is one of the UK’s most acclaimed singer-songwriters – having been nominated for the mercury music prize a few years ago. Admired by such artists as Dido and Nora Jones, Kathryn continues to gather fans with each new release and concerts.

9pm. £10.

Pick Of The Day Hip Hound Lounge @ CF10 Cardiff Jazz Society presents: Poko Loko.

They are described as, ‘a hard blowing Latin ensemble on the salsa tip’, and shouldn’t be missed. As usual there will be tunes afterwards from the legendary and most talked about DJ, Jazzmonk. If you are in the jazz soc you get £1 off. 8pm. £3.

Thursday20/10

Live @ SU Alexisonfire. I hope they aren’t. That would be quite dangerous, or is it just metaphorical? I don’t know, go and find out. 7.30pm. £9.

Pick Of The Day Live @ New Theatre The Real Thing. When successful playwright Henry leaves his first wife, he believes his relationship with his new love is the real thing. But living in a world in which life imitates art, and art replicates reality means it isn’t always easy to tell what the real thing is.Tom Stoppard’s polished and sophisticated comedy looks at love and infidelity in the modern marriage, accompanied by a soundtrack of sixties classics.7.30pm (Thurs&Sat mat 2:30pm) £7 Devious @ Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Metal @ Metros Er... metal. Whether it’s iron, steel, brass, copper. You name itr, it’s there. It may also be quite sweaty, so bring your flannels. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night.

And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late.

8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Live @ Barfly Charlie Landsborough. Charlie's songwriting blends easy on the ear, folk, country, ballads and blues with a strong and often personal lyric content, mixed with his wit and repartee, this has led to a winning formula. 7.30pm £15.50 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach John Barnes/ Fumezombie/ Lifting Gear Engineer/ Oddskool. From 8pm £3 Live @ The Glee Club Patrick Monahan/ Martin 'Bigpig' Mor/ Michael McIntyre. An offbeat comedian from Northern Ireland. a right South London Cockney wide boy and a Half-Iranian, half-Middlesborough comic. Enough said. Doors7:30pm £5.50 NUS

VENUES

Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com

October 17 2005

Sport

Page 41

sport@gairrhydd.com

HAYES THE LORD; UNI HOCKEY STAR GETS WALES CALL-UP

IMG FOOTBALL ROUND 1 TABLES

By Ed Jones Sport Editor HOCKEY PLAYER PAUL HAYES is the latest Cardiff sportsman to receive international honours. The short, nippy striker featured in two Wales under-21 games against Scotland in June, netting once.

Hayes said: "I was thrilled to bits to make the final selection. I trained all winter with the squad the year before too but didn’t make the trip to Portugal last summer. Scoring my first goal was fantastic."

Hayes, a third year English-Lit student, HA YES has netted over 60 times for the University : SH ORT , NO 1st XI so far. His equaliser in the BUSA Shield T WE Final victory over Edinburgh last summer was LSH arguably his most important contribution. Sadly for Hayes, his goal in Manchester for the under-21s came in a 3-2 defeat.

"It was a shame we couldn’t go on and win it after I tapped in from three yards to equalise. I was pretty happy with my efforts though, considering it was my first international call-up. A lot of the others had played under-18s and things but I settled in pretty well. The team spirit was better than I’d expected. It was much better than other representative teams that I’ve played for."

Hayes, originally from Oxford, qualifies to play for Wales through a grandmother from Fishguard, West Wales. "The bit of Welsh background that I have got is important and I’d rather play for Wales that England. I actually found that a lot of the other guys in the squad were in the same situation as me with a few of them living in England."

Hayes is now looking to the new season and is extremely keen to retain his place. "Next summer we’ve got the European Championships in Gibraltar, but I’ve got to make it into the squad again first. If I can, then we’ve got games against Scotland, Ireland and France in the Celtic Cup before the European Champs."

The University has played an important role in Hayes’ development. "Being surrounded by better players and getting top quality coaching has really boosted my game. When I arrived in Cardiff I played mainly in midfield, but I’ve learned to specialise in playing up front and using my speed and movement."

The Hockey Club will be hoping to make the most of Hayes’ extra experience.

An improvement on last season’s second-place finish would see the first XI promoted to the BUSA Premiership. "I think we’ve got a real chance. It’d be great to give it a go against the big boys."

IMG Pos

Group One P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Zoology

1

1

0

0

7

3

2

Cardiff Uni

1

1

0

0

4

3

3

Automotiv Engin

1

1

0

0

1

3

4

Psycho Athletico

1

1

0

0

1

3

5

Law A

1

0

0

1

-1

0

6

AFC Euros

1

0

0

1

-1

0

7

Japsoc

1

0

0

1

-4

0

8

Real Madras*

1

0

0

1

-7

-3

IMG Pos

Group Two P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Economics

1

1

0

0

4

3

2

Chem Soc

1

1

0

0

4

3

3

Gym Gym

1

1

0

0

2

3

4

Myg Myg

1

1

0

0

1

3

5

AFC Cathays

1

0

0

1

-1

0

6

Real Havana

1

0

0

1

-2

0

7

Cardiff Dragons

1

0

0

1

-4

0

8

Inter Me-Nan

1

0

0

1

-4

0

IMG Pos

Group Three P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Pharm AC

1

1

0

0

5

3

2

Dynamo

1

1

0

0

1

3

3

FC Arselona

1

1

0

0

1

3

4

Hurricanes

1

0

1

0

0

1

5

Architecture

1

0

0

1

-1

0

6

Planathenikos

1

0

0

1

-5

0

7

Absolutely Fantastic*

1

0

1

0

0

-2

8

Momed*

1

0

0

1

-7

-3

IMG Pos

Group Four P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Locomotiv Engin

1

1

0

0

8

3

2

Law B

1

1

0

0

3

3

3

Carbs

1

1

0

0

1

3

4

Euros Lang*

1

1

0

0

1

0

5

English

1

0

0

1

-1

0

6

History

1

0

0

1

-1

0

7

Jomec

1

0

0

1

-4

0

8

Dental UTD

1

0

0

1

-8

0

* Deducted 3 points for failure to attend meetings

Sport

Page 42

October 17 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

IMG TOP TRUMPS Who eight all the pies? Sport profiles some of the contenders and new entries FC ARSE-ALONA

AFC

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t ffor ’s e ees r a e s a st y nt y laSergeaital to tle b d s v ic ti nte ew poi r Andr tions aealist p a r i e is : D ead quis for ons iring l ar ac eason i t i e r b Am ir insp first y and the new eason the ong s on. n son ar ti str tenti sea ll is M e r g con n h isin row n: C vB rom Ma e p r K a a : e St zer db Boo oul c r a St his t: T dic r e V 0-1 s: 2 Odd

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Ambitions: "We’re going to take IMG by storm.

We’re definitely looking for a Premiership position and we’re really confident about getting it at the moment. We’re hoping for a top two finish" said captain Joe Simpkins.

Star Man: Frank the Tank Star Boozer: Alex "Billy Steve" Hudson Verdict: The dark horses of the IMG league.

Odds: 15-1

PSY CHO

ATH L

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Amb Chamitions: ‘W of ca pions le in the lo he in ptain, Ja ague’ wa t and pro he m tends to mes Moo s the op gress to that. ight need get in so re. To ac timistic o the pi to ch me fo hieve reign his g nion eck h Star oals s i s ig rule Man: book nings, bu Nick a bout t Grah Star am u Booz p front er : Ia n Cla Verdi yton ct: T hey m ay st Odds ruggl : 50-1 e.

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Am and bitions o t tw ad cau the to : ‘Finis las g squ hopt p i h e o half Sav us in t r th tron ’re aid A teamage, a assess of the he top aw it foairly s ar. Weain" s L n l m t h s f al e has houg ent aw wo t a t ye e ag ss t mor h I g of thcond le f of the e’vetill go m lasp onc itie ar, bu e e W a e S l t l " g i t e i b o a r s ar M u a : elie the h fr s. ic e ly f th imp captain e’, is t gue me an: ons have s left miers i chn last y ident ema t i e a n r h t , e d b G e n he ssi e y Ja oalk Sta sp co onf t th any Am rs an w bo the Pr r. doe on th mes r Bo eep ard a a fe in t-ga m Lo has c redic ip ing lo e s e e s n y o y C . r a o z a orw o a i p H P e T f L r h t t s h f a r t E s e : n V : o e e i u e r i erdi M SO e Llam v l Hi tr w ons title Dav hest t mpion ll ct: aB n .

C ingaptotain Da ’re not m dish, cen t. biti he Exp c a arne ect Odd Am cket t Steve the ey ch round s c We ea a be s: 2 tan po ptain is on ing k ime a -O’ 5-1 an: to b bS tter e o h M e v t t a m R b e r c en finis s tea his ‘St er : Sta h th tak lves a ers t ooz the ker s an l B a s d m i e e r l n m a t ast s nte s y li Sta e ti Thi yea Pla Wil co r. r th ict: an: o ave d f r D M r Ve ard er : 8-1 Sta hh ooz s B ds: u d p r O a l l t i S t: W dic r e V 0-1 :1 s d Od ast id l d e Amb t w or whaision oldesitions: ‘D n o v i D ve Huw t, longe o as we pro First Davie st se l m i r ving l as last s. o lly a T y : and u s f n e grumear’, say itio . Hop finish piest s the b S t ar M playe ir Am ason ship an: A r se mier M y S s t t er y O ar B Pre o . l o d r n z h er : A am R she isio nybo Verd eject Div dy bu ict: I y n: A t a a j s e t r t Ale M i c e o F r V u r ld be x Cri Odds Sta er : bble ip o a go : 25ooz od ye rsh 1 B e i r a a m r t for C re S hem t: P soc. dic r Contributors: Photographers: e 1 V 0 2 Dave Menon James Perou : s Paul Hunt Emily Akers Odd Samuel Strang Dan Godard

Sport

October 17 2005

Page 43

sport@gairrhydd.com

MARATHON WOMAN

By Jess Anderson PICTURE THE SCENE. It’s almost nine o’clock on a cold autumn morning, and nearly two thousand runners are milling around on St Mary’s Street. There are men in Lycra and women in tiny shorts which show off their enviably toned legs.

They share memories of past marathons, citing their "personal best" to anyone who will listen. They exude confidence, as if what they are about to do is completely normal. They certainly don’t look bothered that they are about to run 26 miles.

This was where I found myself on Sunday October 9 – at the start of the 2005 Cardiff Marathon, with the overwhelming feeling that I didn’t belong there. The other runners seemed so fit and athletic – even the six-foot tall Scooby Doo and the man in a box looked like old pros.

Luckily, the devoted friend who accompanied me to the start was at hand to give me a motivational talk which reminded me of the reasons I was there. First, I was raising money for charity – the Teenage Cancer Trust, which aims to build specialist cancer units in NHS hospitals for teenage patients. Secondly, I was taking on a physical and mental challenge that would result in the sort of intense personal growth that few other activities can match.

The 13-mile route went through Butetown to Cardiff Bay, then through Grangetown and around Bute Park. For the full marathon we had to run the

IMG CHAIR’S COLUMN

26 MILES: No picnic route twice, before finishing with a lap inside the Millennium Stadium.

Encouragingly it took me two and a half hours to do the first lap, but running past the stadium and knowing I had to go round again was just so difficult. I then spent much of the second lap walking because my leg muscles were screaming at me to stop, and as a result the latter half of the race was much slower. It took all I had to keep going.

But no matter how hard it was, I was

constantly reminded throughout the race that what it was all about – humanity, generosity, and spirit – was far more important than how easy it was or how fast you could run. Some people were doing it for personal reasons. I saw numerous people with "I’m running in memory of…" written on their T-shirts. Others, including me, struggled to go the distance but were determined to finish at all costs. I ran for a while with a man who was in a lot of pain from a knee injury but kept

going nevertheless because he was running for charity.

I took five hours and 49 minutes to finish the marathon – about an hour longer than I had originally hoped – but I’m not at all disappointed. It was a great day, and I’m so happy that I finished it at all. I raised money for charity, completed the toughest challenge of my life, and was inspired by some truly amazing people. Paula Radcliffe doesn’t know what she’s missing by being so good.

Euros sink plucky English

By Dave Menon IMG Football Reporter

Photo by James Perou

I

N A MATCH that exemplified the true spirit of IMG football, Euros Languages won a hardfought battle that could have gone either way.

As the rain poured down throughout the proceedings, there was no shortage of passion, goalmouth action and drama.

Although a draw would have been the fairest result, Euros Languages admirably survived a barrage of pressure late on to scramble a memorable 4-3 victory.

English Society started brightly and took a deserved lead in the 15th minute when prolific striker Alan Clark found the bottom corner with a cool finish.

After making a sluggish start, Euros Languages created their first meaningful chance in the 26th minute when the lively Mike Davies saw his shot fall narrowly wide.

This came as a warning to the English defence who paid the ultimate price a minute later. Euros No. 7 Emyr Price found too much space on the right-hand side before unleashing a superb strike that somehow found the top corner.

WAMMO: Mike Davies scores a third for Euros Languages English responded well as Clark continued to cause problems for the Euros defence.

In a space of two minutes, Euros goalkeeper Steve Shaw was called into action to save two goal-bound shots from the English marksman.

As both sides began to press forward, Euros almost took the lead in the 40th minute when a brilliantly

executed lob bounced over the crossbar.

On the stroke of half-time, English were denied. Clark raced through on goal and the clinical finish that followed was greeted by a linesman’s flag.

As the players took a much-needed breath at the interval, the English squad members were left aggrieved at

a decision which they felt was harsh.

Nevertheless the game went on and it was English who struck the first blow of a fascinating second period.

When Euros failed to comprehensively clear a corner, left-back Dave Noblet volleyed home with aplomb.

But the lead didn’t last long as Davies levelled the match with a powerful close-range effort four minutes later.

As both teams made a number of substitutions, the intensity of the game remained unchanged as both sides scrapped for every ball.

Clark drew an excellent save from Shaw ten minutes later, but Euros went ahead for the first time in the 69th minute.

A Davies cross from the right eluded everybody, including the goalkeeper, before entering the net.

Euros extended their lead moments later through a Tom Dillon spot-kick and the result appeared to be decided.

But English substitute Vince Bailey had other ideas. With eleven minutes left, the striker drilled home a stunning left-footer from outside the area.

A grandstand conclusion followed but Euros showed enough grit and determination to grasp all three points.

I WOULD first like to send my best wishes to all those who knew IMG favourite Matt Johnson who sadly passed away on October 6. Matt captained AFC Momed to second place in the IMG Championship two years ago and was the IMG Player of the Season in 2002.

Matt was a popular and genuine man who embraced the spirit of IMG and will undoubtedly be sadly missed.

Last week saw the start of the new football season, where teams displayed their existing members and new recruits. There were plenty of good games, which included impressive wins by Locomotiv, Zoology and Pharm AC. The matches did not go without incident however, as three ambulances were called to Pontcanna Fields taking four players to A&E. This highlights the need to register with the AU; otherwise, you are not covered if an accident should occur. For this week’s matches, four teams will be randomly selected and all team members will be required to present their AU card.

Failure to produce an AU card will result in a three-point penalty for that match.

Wednesday will see the start of the IMG Netball season. Many players completed a Q Award Umpiring Course over the last week. The reason for running the course was to raise the standard of decision making, which tended to cause problems last year. So, will Cardiff Uni A be able to retain their title or will the likes of Medics and Pharmacy prove too much for them? Whatever your predictions are, it will no doubt be a hard-fought contest to get into the Premiership.

Finally I would like to thank all football and netball teams who went to the IMG Fayre and made it such a huge success. Good luck to everybody for the rest of your season.

IMG Football Results: Real Madras Cardiff Uni Automotive Psycho Ath.

1 4 3 2

-

8 0 2 1

Zoology FC Japsoc Law A AFC Euro

Gym Gym Inter Me-Nan Myg Myg Cardiff Dragons

2 0 3 1

-

0 4 2 5

Real Havana Chem Soc FC Cathays Economics

Hurricanes AFC Momed Architecture Pharm AC

3 1 1 7

-

3 2 2 2

Ab Fantastic FC Arse-alona Dynamo Cen Plan’kos.

Dental Utd Euros Lang Law B Carbs A

0 4 4 2

-

8 3 1 1

Locomotive English Soc Jomec AFC History

Spor t gair rhydd

Hockey: Cardiff’s latest international.

Page 35

Cardiff Marathon: Jess Anderson talks us through her journey.

Page 34

IMG: GR hears from some of the main contenders.

Page 34

PARK LIFE INCOMING: Tackles always hard and fast

BOOTED: IMG kicks off

PACE: Off down the wing

Sport bring you all the results, profiles and a weekly match report

By Ed Jones Sport Editor IMG FOOTBALL’S opening afternoon featured 500 players, 82 goals, 32 teams, 4 serious injuries, 3 ambulances, and two inches of rain.

Record numbers took part in the first round of games in this season’s IMG football competition

which began on Wednesday in typically dramatic fashion.

Three teams suffered a points deduction before the first whistle had even blown after failing to attend a pre-season meeting.

The tone was set thirty seconds after the starting whistles when FC Arse-Alona’s Rob Kempson (pictured on page 42 swinging from a cross-bar) hurled himself into a 50-50 challenge with AFC Momed’s goalkeeper.

The Arse-Alona striker sustained ligament damage and was in A and E before the interval.

During the first halves there was some impressive football on display across all of this year’s groups. Freescoring Locomotive Engine, Zoology and Chemsoc took little time to settle back into their IMG routine.

During the second half, the Pontcanna turf was further ravaged by a huge downpour that made for some scrappy challenges throughout the

thrilling second halves.

Carbs held on to beat History while ArseAlona defeated AFC Momed in another cracking encounter and reigning champions Law A were surprisingly beaten by Automotiv Engine.

There has been much talk pre-season of IMG’s increased popularity and the limited amount of pitches and playing time. The consequence looks set to be a competition with more quality than in any previous year.

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ■ RIDLER: GEORDIE’S TOO DISTASTEFUL FOR BLUE BAR ■ ■ PAUL HAYES’ REAL NAME IS FUCKERS AND HIS BIRD IS MASSIVE ■ TOUGH CALL...IF PUSHED I’D PLUMP FOR GWINNETT ■ WITHOUT ANY SHADOW OF A DOUBT ■ I MISS TIM ■ MENON AND ELGAN ARE GOOD BOYS ■ ERR ■ TV DESK RECRUITMENT DRIVE FAILS ! MENON: I LOVE PERRI’S RAISINS ! SCREW YOU GUYS ■ BOTTLE OF BARRAMUNDI ANYONE? ■ STROKE THE DOG ■ NEW MACS ARRIVE TOMORROW, PROBABLY ■ FNARR

Friday

Page 32

Oct 17 - Oct 23 2005

iam@stevenjonesfrombabybird.co.uk

ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

19.00 Tales from the Palaces 19.30 ArtWorks Scotland 20.00 The World 20.30 Sounds of the Sixties 21.00 Matt Monro: The Man With The Golden Voice 22.00 The Cinema Show 22.30 QI 23.00 The Thick of It 23.30 Heimat - 3 Every time I watch this, it’s always someone called Gustav trying to rebuild a wall.

01.15 The Cinema Show 01.45 Matt Monro: The Man With The Golden Voice ...and the songs of purest shite.

02.45 Tales from the Palaces It’s times like this I wish I had written a short comment for the only program I had anything useful to say about. For the above, Matt Monroe is a crooner of the Frank Sinattra / Bing Crosby ilk, only five thousand times more dulls, as he didn’t have the mafia / pipe smoking / Merry Christmas Mr Bowie connections.

03.15 Imber: England's Lost Village 04.10 Close Åt this point of the proceedings, I like to declare Dumpweed by Blink 182 the greatest song in lyrical history. Nyerr.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame.

Brighton Final 3.00 Trading Treasures 3.30 Pocoyo. Swept Away 3.35 Pirates. Sweaty Sam's Treasure, it says here.

3.50 Planet Sketch 4.00 Disney's The Legend of Tarzan 4.30 Harry Hill's Shark Infested Custard A Harry Hill during childrens television? I have a feeling this could be treading a very thin line between genius and gash.

5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Airline 9.00 The Brief 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Paparazzi Secrets 11.30 The Frank Skinner Show 0.30 Numb3rs See what they did there - a ‘3’ looks a bit like an ‘E’ backwards. Because of course, people spell the word “numbers” with a capital ‘e’ in the middle. Idiots.

1.15 Shoot the Writers!

1.40 Dragnet. Well Endowed 2.25 Entertainment Now! 2.50 ITV at Reading 2004 3.45 ITV at the Movies TV John at the movies: Serenity sounds awesome, Paul Schrader’s Exorcist prequal sounds guff even if he did write Taxi Driver, Corpse Bride will be amazing, etc etc etc 4.10 cd:uk Hotshots 4.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Crap in a bap. Licence

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy “Y’awl Judy Imma wanna sue this guys ASS bitch yo stole my old mans jewellery man!”. This phrase will invariable appear at some point. Anyone else ever noticed the defendant on Judge Judy never has the right paperwork with them? Also, ever noticed how the accuser is always in some way to blame usually due to some irrelevancy like they forgot to tie their shoelaces, or they tied their dog to a moving train.

12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 13.30 Airline USA 14.00 Coronation Street 14.30 Emmerdale 15.00 The Ricki Lake Show 15.50 Trisha 16.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.45 Judge Judy 18.30 ITV at the Movies 19.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 19.30 The Xtra Factor: 24/7 20.30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 21.30 Jordan and Peter: Marriage and Mayhem 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show 23.30 Coronation Street 24.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 24.30 Big Game TV 03.00

Trading Treasures ITV1 3pm

5:50 Grabbit The Rabbit 5:55 Inuk: Panik's Inukshuk I REFUSE TO WATCH A PROGRAM I CANNOT READ THE TITLE OF! 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:25 Will & Grace: Fagmalion 8:55 Frasier 9:25 3 Minute Wonder: Mish Kids 9:30 Chancers 9:55 Re-Writing History: What If Britain Had Lost The Falklands War? Juan Sebastian Veron would be the eqivalent of David Beckham. Thank God we nailed those fuckers. TV John in social history comment shocker.

10:00 Impressionism: Revenge Of The Nice 11:45 National Gallery 11:50 Tate Modern: Distortion 11:55 Re-Writing History: What If There Was Another Ice Age? There is - it’s called Ice Age 2 and it’s released in cinemas early next year.

12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction 1:30 Kind Hearts And Coronets 3:30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:30 Come Dine With Me 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:35 Friends 8:00 Friends 8:30 Will & Grace 9:00 The Simpsons 9:30 Rock School 10:00 Spoons No. 34 - The hideous Celtic dog-shit-on-apotters-wheel Love Spoon.

10:30 Dirty Tricks 11:55 Desperate Housewives 12:55 Desperate Housewives 1:55 Desperate Housewives 2:55 Bollywood Firsts: Armaan Premiere 5:50 Close

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Friday Hill 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Nothing But 1995: Number 1's 1:00pm Hijacked By Feeder Featuring their hot new single Just Feeling the Moment My Senses Dream About Motions 2:00pm Without A Trace 3:00pm Faking It Usa 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Without A Trace 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm Scream 12:05am Spoonz 12:35am Massive Balls Of Steel 1:10am Sky High: T4 Movie Special 1:40am Trigger Happy Usa 2:05am Wife Swap 3:05am Spoons 3:30am Sky High: T4 Movie Special 3:55am Trigger Happy Usa 4:15am Switched Up! 4:40am Switched Up! Switch off.

06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.35 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.05 Barney 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: Hart to Hart 8: Harts in High Season Hart Hart Hart Hart Hart.

15.30 Film: Perry Mason: The Case of the Poisoned Pen Perry obviously doesn’t know his allitertation - “Peril of the Poisoned Pen”, surely? 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Arctic Kingdom: Life on the Edge 20.00 Commando VIP This weeks knickerless celebrities are Rik Waller, Prince Charles and Simon Bodger.

20.30 Dumber and Dumberest 21.00 Film: Starship Troopers “The sickest, goriest film to ever be rated a 15” - someone I work with, last week.

23.20 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 23.50 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 24.25 The Gadget Show 01.10 2005 X Games I watched an edition of this the other week. The main contender “Street Skater” tournament was literally about 12 or 13 years old. It wasn’t even slightly arousing.

01.45 Golf 02.35 NASCAR Busch Series 03.25 Race and Rally UK 03.50 Argentinian Football Highlights04.30 Portuguese Football

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Trollz 7:25 Serious Arctic Diary 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Come Outside 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 Trade Secrets 10:30 Primary History 10:50 Primary History 11:10 Primary Geography 11:20 Coming to England 11:40 BBC Primary History 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:30 FILM: Best of the Badmen 2:50 The Flying Gardener 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 The Big Dig 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 6:30 Trafalgar 200 Not to be confused with World Cup 2002, Three Lions ‘98 or Level 42.

7:30 Tales from the Green Valley Not to be confused with Green Day, five’s Funky Valley. Or wank-on-a-biscuit old Hollywood film How Green Is My Valley 8:00 Garden School 8:30 Gardeners' World 9:00 Catherine the Great 9:50 Black Cab 10:00 QI 10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 Later with Jools Holland With Philip Schofield, according to TV Gareth.

12:40am: FILM: Reform School Girl2:00 BBC Learning Zone 2:30 The Sonnet 3:00 Music to the Ear Not to be confused with the band The Music, who are music to my ass.

3:30 Philosophy in Action: Debates about Boxing Only tossers like boxing, discuss: 4:00 The Emperor's Gift 4:30 Open Advice - Study to Succeed 5:00 Behind a Mask

Behind a Mask BBC2 5am

PRIMETIME

M I T E M I R P

STUDENT SAVER

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 How to Get Lucky 1> make TV John a mix tape 2> buy TV John some wine 3> Tell TV John you also have a lot of time for Bruce Springsteen, 4> buy TV John another bottle of wine, 5> listen to TV John ranting about how miserable his life is(n’t) 6> Then you get lucky.

20.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 21.00 Intensive Care: The Making of... 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 23.00 Little Britain 23.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Chris from work found out the other day that Will Mellor has the same tatoo’s as him.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

24.25 Intensive Care: The Making of... Speaking of Will Mellor actually... prick.

01.25 Honey We're Killing the Kids Yadda yadda has anyone actually seen this yet?

2.20 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.50 Gypsy Wars Heavenly Starlet vs Geoff O’ Driscoll the Herb gardner, in a daisy fight at the otter sanctuary.

The Emperorʼ’s Gift BBC2 4 a m

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz 4:05 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 4:30 The Basil Brush Show 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 A Question of Sport An answer of indifference.

7:30 Spending Other People's Money A typical night in The Albany with TV John.

8:00 EastEnders 8:30 My Family 9:00 Blessed This week, Brian Blessed topiates his beard for a night out.

9:30 Have I Got News for You I’ve lost touch - are they still having guest presenters on this or have they finally got a replacement for Angus Deayton?

Does anyone care anymore now that the hideous old man jumpers that Paul Merton wears realistically reflect his age?

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35 FILM: Jaws 2 One of three pointless sequels to the ridiculous shark yarn currently celebrating twenty-five years of being overrated. 1:30am: Joins BBC News 24.

E

029 20229977

My Family BBC1 8.30pm

P R I M E T I M E

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:35 The Hoobs: Potatoes 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will & Grace 08:55 Frasier 09:25 3 Minute Wonder Ysgolion/Schools 09:30 Chancers 09:55 Re-Writing History 10:00 Impressionism: Revenge Of The Nice 11:40 National Gallery 11:45 National Gallery 11:50 Tate Modern 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala 12:45 Caio 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 House Auction 14:20 You Are What You Eat 14:55 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Clwb Winx 16:25 Dan Datrys 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Uned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Gwyllt Ar Grwydr Cyfres Newydd 21:00 9 Tan 9 21:30 Property Ladder 22:30 Rock School 23:00 Spoons 23:35 The Osbournes 00:05 Dirty Tricks 00:55 Film: The Cannonball Run ii 02:55 British Superbikes Freesports On 4: Snowboarding