gair rhydd - Issue 796

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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

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NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04

ISSUE 796 October 24 2005

Q U E N C H

INTERV IEWS -F ARTS - FOO ASHION - GAY D - TRAV GOING EL - M OUT USIC TV BLIND BOOKS - DIGIT gair rhyd DATE d.com - CULT AL - FILM CLASSIC S

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Crystal Pants - gair rhydd’s resident astronomer makes her debut

Megan Conner asks: ‘Is love dead?’ Plus Jimi Williams meets Supergrass

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VOL. 3 ISSUE 30 OCT. 24 2005 EMAP STUDENT

PUBLICATION

OF THE YEAR

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UP WIT H

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£125,000 spent on Psychology artwork University believe it will promote Cardiff

By Charissa Coulthard News Editor

“It looks like something out of an Austin Powers movie” Student view: See Page 4

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE: The Psychology building before (artist impression) and after (inset) the artwork

A PROVOCATIVE sculpture aiming to capture the relationship between science and art has been proposed for the entrance to Cardiff University’s School of Psychology.

Designed to characterise the structure of the human mind, the sculpture – consisting of a symmetrical pattern of coloured terracotta tiles – will feature boldly on the lecture theatre block next to the tower building.

Subject to planning permission, the sculpture will contribute to Cardiff ’s centenary celebrations, marking 100 years as a city and 50 years as a capital.

The project is predicted to cost a hefty £125,000, £45,000 of which has been granted from the Welsh Arts Council. The remaining £80,000 has been collectively invested by private sponsors, the University and the School of Psychology.

The proposal is receiving varied responses from students, with one branding it a ‘waste of time’ and another ‘a waste of university resources.’

But despite the criticisms, a University spokesperson believes such artwork is expected to encourage debate and conversation: "Such projects often generate lively local debates about their quality, purpose and value.

"This is an intrinsic and valuable element of modern public art and such a debate may be anticipated in this instance.

"If there were not to be such a debate, then it is likely that the project will not have achieved sufficient prominence.

"However, sample surveys of staff, students and members of the public have shown overwhelming support for the project and for public bodies such as the University to spend more on public art."

One such survey – conducted to seek the initial views of staff and students – showed a massive 95% to be in support of public art being introduced to improve universities, with a further 83% confident that the sculpture will serve to enhance the School of Psychology.

Students’ Union President Pete Goodman is among those in favour. "I welcome the University investing in public art," he

Story continued on Page 4

News

Page 2

October 24 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

At

I C E I C E M A Y B E a glance

By Caleb Woodbridge Reporter

October 24 2005 News 1 Editorial & Opinion 8 Letters 10 Geordie 11 Politics 12 Taf Od 13 Media 14 Science/Environment 15 Health 16 Grab!

18 Dear Amber 19 Horoscope 20 Television 23 Five Min Fun 31 Jobs & Money 32 Listings 34 Sport 37

EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan, Chris Brett MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN Colm Loughlin HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson SUB-EDITORS Graeme Porteous, Holly Marshall, Charlotte White PROOF READERS Andrew Mickel, Jess Anderson, Rebecca Hunt, Rachel Cormican, Alison Howe, Rosey Leech CONTRIBUTORS Helen Thompson, Caleb Woodridge, Aline Ungewiss, Emily Woodrow, Lindle Markwell, Jonathan Duggan, Dan Maton, Ross Whittam, Tim Hewish, nadia Rahman, Chris White, Claire king, Kathryn Harris, Rhiannon Evans, Josie Buning, Mark Norman, Ban Marson, Beatrice Baiden, Adrian Raudaschi, John Dunster, Steve Myerscough, Sam Stang, George Pavey, Matthew Turtle, Paul Hunt, Lisa Gwinnet, Charis Simpson, Sarah day, James Perou, Spohia Jounnides, Jon Berridge, Alex Witcombe ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students Union

PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH

CONTROVERSIAL PLANS to build an ice rink in Sophia Gardens were withdrawn last Wednesday, although Cardiff Devils supporters have vowed to continue the fight for a new home.

Passions have been running high between those who oppose any further development of Cardiff’s green-field parklands and those who see the ice rink as vital for the future of Cardiff’s ice hockey team, the Cardiff Devils.

Critics of the plans include local residents, preservation group Save Our Parklands, Cardiff West AM Rhodri Morgan and Cardiff West MP Kevin Brennan.

Opponents object to the destruction of one of Cardiff’s green spaces and the increase in noise and pollution that would accompany the development. Cadw, the Welsh heritage organization, said that the arena would cause ‘an unacceptable reduction in the park’s open space’.

The writing was on the wall for the proposals since the Planning Officer recommended refusal of the plans to temporarily house the ice rink at Sophia Gardens as part of a development by Glamorgan Cricket Club.

Sara Gwenllian Jones, a Cardiff University lecturer and a member of the Save Bute Park campaign, accuses the council of playing politics and of becoming ‘the servant of the developer’.

In particular, she criticised the council for putting pressure on Cadw to withdraw its objections.

Valleys of the damned

By Helen Thompson Reporter A MASSIVE rise in sexually transmitted infections in the south Wales valleys has meant that many sexual health clinics have to turn patients away.

It was revealed that up to half those who contact clinics will not be offered an appointment.

The paper, presented to Rhondda Cynon Taff local health board on October 17, also found that patients who did secure an appointment often had to wait weeks before seeing a doctor, unless it was considered an emergency.

The Welsh Assembly Government's target of reducing waiting times to two days by 2006 was deemed 'unlikely' by the report.

An 800% increase in diagnosed cases of gonorrhoea has been documented by clinics covering Rhondda Cynon Taff, Merthyr and Bridgend, far higher than the 87% rise reported across Wales.

Leanne Wood, Assembly Member for Plaid Cymru, said: "This situation is very worrying, and I am writing to the Health Minister, asking him to tackle this situation immediately. Clearly there

needs to be more investment in this neglected area of the health service."

The rise in the instance of sexually transmitted disease is accompanied by a 22% rise in the number of women seeking terminations between 2003 and 2004.

Ms Wood blamed inadequate sex education for people's complacency about contraception.

"Young people will take more risks with their sexual behaviour if they don't understand the implications.

"When I was growing up in the 1980s the government funded an effective HIV/AIDS campaign, so most people of my age understood the importance of protecting themselves.

"Because those campaigns no longer exist today's generation don't have the same level of self-awareness."

Ms Wood also noted that these trends may have serious long-term implications: "We are sitting on a time bomb.

Some sexually transmitted infections don't show any symptoms and result in long term damage and infertility.

"I want the government to undertake more preventative work like giving out information and contraceptives at places young people frequent.”

But this could leave Cardiff Devils hockey team and ice-skaters without a home for the following season. The Devils’ current home will soon be demolished as part of the St David’s 2 retail redevelopment.

That development could now face delays of 18 months or more while a new home for ice hockey is sought. Save Our Rink Action Committee (SORAC) earlier warned that they would not take defeat lying down.

Dave Newton of SORAC said: "We will do anything and everything legally possible to pursue our case.

"If that means delaying the St David’s 2 development for as long as possible while this is sorted out that will be done."

Rodney Berman, leader of Cardiff City Council, tried to assure hockey fans that there will be a ‘seamless transfer between facilities for the ice rink with no loss of provision for ice hockey or skating’.

He said: "Fans can be assured that we are working hard to deliver the best possible solution to this end and that we will be consulting with their representatives every step of the way."

Gwenllian Lansdown, Plaid Cymru Councillor, called for unity between the different groups to seek a new ice-rink.

"There is no doubt in my mind that we need an ice-rink but it was sheer folly to consider developing it in Sophia Gardens in the middle of a Conservation Area, on Greenfield, adjacent to Wales most remarkable inner-city parkland.

"I hope that Save Our Parklands, local residents and Save Our Rink Action Committee will be able to work together to achieve this now."

NUS strikes back at criticism

By Caroline Farwell News Editor THE NATIONAL Union of Students (NUS) has responded to claims that the upcoming by-election for the position of President of NUS Wales is unconstitutional.

Responding to Cardiff Students’ Union President Peter Goodman’s concerns about the inadequate timing of the election, the NUS has said that it will go ahead with the voting on Saturday November 12 2005.

In a letter to Mr Goodman the NUS said: "To have an unelected officer in place for the majority of the academic year would do much more to discredit the work of that officer than any incorrect assumption that this is an unconstitutional election."

Following the resignation of former President James Knight earlier this month, the NUS made plans to schedule a by-election at its Wales Winter Council in November.

The timing prompted concerns

that the ballot will be in breach of a section of the NUS constitution that states that notice of elections for President and Deputy President should be at least 35 working days.

The NUS has since said that it identified a contradiction in it’s constitution and sought the opinion of NUS Wales Elections Committee, the NUS Wales Deputy President and NUS UK Elections Committee to interpret the discrepancies.

It has confirmed that the 28 working days between Knight’s resignation and the Winter Council is sufficient notice.

"It is our view that we should do our utmost to uphold the democratic principles of our National Union and ensure that the election process is as accessible as possible.

"NUS has always prided itself on being a democratic organisation and as such it is the view of steering committee that an election should be held in order that the students of Wales have the opportunity to choose who they wish to represent them."

News

October 24 2005

Page 3

PHOTO: James Perou

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

news@gairrhydd.com

LANGDON HOTEL: Scene of Crime

By Aline Ungewiss Reporter A RUGBY CLUB chef has died from serious injuries after suffering an alleged assault in his Cardiff hotel room.

40-year-old Paul Beard, who was staying at Langdon’s Hotel on Richmond Road, Cathays, was left with serious bruising after being attacked on Wednesday October 5.

He died two days later at the University Hospital of Wales as a result of his injuries.

A police investigation has been launched to discover details of his mysterious attack, but findings so far have not shown any links to his injuries.

Two men, aged 41 and 46, were arrested on the suspicion of assault but were released after questioning on condi-

tional bail until further inquiries.

A number of rooms at Langdon’s hotel are currently being examined by crime officers.

Further investigation has also led to the removal of a Ford Transit van in front of the hotel, and two houses in the Cathays area have been sealed off for forensic testing.

Police are now trying to find contact details for relatives to trace any possible suspects or motives.

A police spokesperson said: “We are not yet sure what he had been doing here since he arrived.”

His immediate family have been found and have arrived from the Midlands to meet the investigation team for further information.

By Dan Ridler News Editor A 75-YEAR-OLD shopper was murdered in broad daylight at a discount store in Cardiff city centre this week.

Valerie Thomas was attacked with a knife in the Poundstretcher store on Church

street reportedly following a minor argument and a scuffle.

Shocked onlookers watched as the widower was stretchered from the scene with a knife still embedded in her back.

She was rushed to University Hospital of Wales where she died of her injuries.

Police have arreseted and are questioning a 44-year-old woman in connection with the

attack, but no motive has yet been established.

They have been granted another 24 hours to question her before they must officially charge or release her.

They have appealled for anybody in the vicinity of Poundstretcher between midday and 12.30PM on Wednesday October 19 to contact them with any information regarding

the killing.

“We are all very shocked, said City Centre Manager Paul Williams, “It’s the last thing we would expect in the city centre, it’s a tragedy. Everybody would like to send their deepest sympathy to the woman’s family.”

The Lord Mayor of Cardiff also extended her sympathies.

“My heart goes out...it could have been any one of us.”

This is your

fine-al warning PHOTO:James Perou

By Emily Woodrow Reporter ANYONE FOUND drunk and disorderly or urinating in a public place will now be fined £80.

The new scheme, launched by Cardiff police, is aimed at reducing time-consuming low-level arrests.

Offenders will be allocated a ticket at the scene of the incident and given the opportunity to pay the fine or attend court and plead ‘not guilty’

before a magistrate.

Although the low-level offence will be recorded against the person if they choose to accept the fine, it will not be classed as a criminal conviction.

Last week 11 tickets were issued by South Wales police to minor public offenders, five of which were students.

PC Robert Keohane, a student liaison officer, said: “We want students to enjoy themselves in licensed premises, but they have to behave on their way home.”

By Caroline Farwell News Editor POLICE HAVE ordered a sauna advertising “special massages” on a large billboard to remove the poster.

First Choice Leisure in Whitchurch Road, Gabalfa, was told to take down the poster advertising special massage services for £45 upwards.

Residents, who say their lives are already blighted by piles of condoms

left outside the sauna, have made numerous complaints about the parlour.

Cardiff University medical student David Harkness, of Whitchurch Road, said: “It’s not appropriate to have a sign in plain view.”

The sauna’s management displayed the black and white sign in the foyer with the front door left open, angering locals.

A South Wales Police spokeswoman said the poster was not illegal.

News

Page 4

October 24 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

Battle of Hustings

gair rhydd receives national acclaim in media awards

By Tom Wellingham Editor

Mirr-aculous

THE QUEST TO become this year’s Ethical & Environmental Officer has begun.

Question time, which took place last Thursday, saw the three candidates put forward their cases for election and be questioned on their views and the improvements they intend to make.

The three candidates standing for the non-sabatical position are Stuart Flatt, Mark Turner and Gwilym Owen.

All of the candidates were in favour of last year’s controversial ban on Nestle products in the Union and cited the importance of information on ethical consumerism being made available to Cardiff students.

The issue of recycling was also named as an area of concern for the hopefuls, who all pledged to improve the recycling facilities in university halls of residence and look into the ongoing problem of litter in Cathays and Roath.

Voting takes place on Monday October 24 and Tuesday October 25 across campus.

ETHICAL: The candidates

By David Menon Reporter gair rhydd has been nominated for Best Student Newspaper in the 2005 NUS/Daily Mirror National Student Journalism Awards.

Five gair rhydd writers have also been nominated for an award - this is more than any other publication shortlisted for Best Newspaper.

Expectations are high after gair rhydd was announced Best Student Newspaper in the same event last year.

Newspapers produced by the University of London, Oxford University and the University of York have also been shortlisted for the coveted prize.

Students across the UK are eligible to compete in the competition which includes categories that cover a wide range of journalism.

Former News Editors Paul Dicken and Dave Doyle have both been nominated for Best Student Investigative Journalist, while Paul was also shortlisted for Best Student Reporter.

Current News Editor Perri Lewis received nominations for Best Student Fashion Journalist and the Diversity Award, while former Sports Editor John Stanton was shortlisted for Best Student Sports Journalist.

Andy Johnson - aka Mr Chuffy - was also nominated for Best Student Feature Writer.

Daily Mirror Editor Richard Wallace, a judge in the Best Student Newspaper category, said “We have had an incredible amount of entries and the high standard of work has made the task of judging a hard one.”

Judges from Channel Four, Attitude, Heat and more national publications have been employed to make the important decisions.

Prizes for the winners include £500 and work experience at the Daily Mirror.

NUS National Secretary Gemma Tumelty said: “I’m delighted with the range of media which have made the shortlist this year and wish entrants the best of luck.”

SCOOPER STUDENTS: RIGHT: Paul and Dave ABOVE: John

Proposed Psychology Building artwork divides student opinion Story continued from Front Page commented.

"This piece of public art will brighten up the psychology building and add interest to this part of the campus."

The sculpture’s creator, Peter Randall-Page, who was part of the design team for the new education centre at the Eden project, will use more than 1,000 individually-made tiles in order to create a ‘symmetry of colour’ within a pattern of intersecting spirals.

"I liked the idea of incorporating a number of different kinds of cognitive illusions in one artwork," he said.

"By mirroring an image on both walls, the full effect of the pattern will only become apparent when standing directly outside the entrance."

Professor Dylan Jones, Head of the School of Psychology and co-leader of the Mind Art

project, said: "Pattern recognition is a powerful characteristic of the human mind.

"The design incorporates a number of different kinds of cognitive illusions in one artwork.

"The patterns, which are mirrorimaged on a vertical axis, can only be fully appreciated when viewed from a vantage point across the road from the entrance to the School."

The MindArt project is managed by Cywaith Cymru (Artworks Wales), the national organisation for public art in Wales, in association with Tessa Jackson, Artistic Director of the Artes Mundi International Visual Arts prize.

The university will be holding a competition to find the most appropriate title for the piece of artwork, offering a £50 Amazon voucher to the winner. To enter, email nametheart@cardiff.ac.uk .

12 child porn arrests in Wales

By Lindle Markwell Reporter SOUTH WALES Police have arrested 20 suspected paedophiles in their largest ever crackdown on internet child porn.

Last week more than 200 police officers closed in on 18 addresses, resulting in eight arrests in Cardiff and 12 others across the region.

Those thought to have been accessing inappropriate child material online are both men and women, ranging from teenagers to pensioners, and are now either in custody or on bail awaiting trial in a few months time.

The extensive raids come after collaboration between local, national and international law enforcement agencies, including the Virtual Global Taskforce website which comprises of a number of crime organisations from around the world working together to prevent and deter individuals from committing on-line child abuse.

Operation Blaze, the national investigation into child pornography, has uncovered a mass of evidence which is

now being scrutinised by police. This includes 35 computers, over 2,000 CDs and DVDs, and over 800 videos, plus a collection of floppy disks, cameras, hand-held computers and camera phones.

Detective Sergeant Steve Harrod, leader of the unit involved in viewing the seized material described the impact the work has on the team involved: "My staff have all received counseling every six months because of the images that we look at."

Computers containing illegal images will be destroyed after the investigation as hard drives cannot be completely erased and would therefore be unsuitable for future use within the community or elsewhere.

Detective Superintendent Simon Clarke, head of Public Protection at South Wales Police, has praised his team’s work, yet he stresses that child pornography is ‘not a victimless crime’. He said: "It is our responsibility to protect children and vulnerable persons who are being exploited worldwide by unscrupulous people.

"Without the demand for these images, there would be no victims."

r o y e n o m r o f Value y? e n o m f o e t s a w “It’s very weird looking. It looks like something out of an Austin Powers movie.”

“The ‘art’ is horrible. It’s a complete utter waste of University money.”

Claire Weeks, Second Year Education

, First Year Rose Goodwin Philosophy and al ci So s, ic lit Po Applied Ethics “It is a waste of valuable University resources. They G should go to IM ng hi or somet e more worthy lik that.”

Ben Jones, w Second Year La

That much money could be spent on better things. The building is so ugly - art at.” won’t change th cond Year

Se Faye Williams, ies Religious Stud

World News

Page 6

October 24 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

Invasion fears VENEZUELA HAS hit out at the United States with claims they plan to invade the country.

Venezuela’s president, Hugo Chavez, says he is in possession of intelligence showing that the United States intends to invade the country in an attempt to seize Venezuela’s oil.

History repeating THE US prepares for further destruction as Hurricane Wilma builds up strength in the Caribbean and set to hit Florida later this week.

Wilma will be the seventh major hurricane to hit the state in the past 16 months. Authorities are warning people to take precautions and ordering tourists to leave the Keys.

DEADLY:

Hurricane

season

Quake appeal A CO-ORDINATED appeal is set to be launched by British aid organisations to raise funds for Pakistan’s quake victims.

The appeal, that will be launched by 13 major aid groups, is the third of its kind this year in response to a major natural disaster.

Jacko gets off MICHAEL JACKSON has been summoned for jury service only four months after he was found not guilty on child molestation charges.

But it looks as if the singer will be excused after his legal team filed paperwork requesting a deferment.

Left the building A COUNCIL worker has been jailed for three years after being found guilty of stealing more than £500,000 to fund her Elvis Presley obsession.

The worker had been taking up to £10,000 a week for almost a decade, using the cash to buy hundreds of CDs, DVDs, videos and signed mementos.

PRESL

EY: Pa ying th e price

Explosive relations

Double bomb blast leaves a hundred wounded in Iran

By Jonathan Duggan Reporter POLITICAL TENSION is mounting in Iran after last weekend’s double bombings left four dead and many more seriously injured.

Two bombs were detonated in a shopping centre in the Iranian city of Ahwaz on October 18 in the early evening.

Many Muslims were in the busy market place to buy food for the evening meal that breaks the daily fast during the holy month of Ramadan.

A spokesman for the interior ministry confirmed that the two homemade devices were planted in rubbish bins and were detonated within minutes of each other.

So far, four people are confirmed dead with nearly a hundred wounded in the double blast, many of whom lie in a critical condition.

As yet, no-one has claimed responsibility for the attacks, although members of the Iranian interior ministry have made allegations suggesting that the British government were involved in the bombings.

In a statement issued by the British Embassy in Iran’s capital Tehran, the allegations were categorically denied and the blasts described as terrorist outrages.

TROUBLED TIMES: Tensions between Iran and US allies are growing The statement said: "Any linkage between the British government and these terrorist outrages is certainly

without foundation."

The Iranian interior ministry failed to provide any evidence to back-up the

allegations made against the British government.

These attacks come after six explosives were detonated in the region in June, days prior to Iran’s presidential election.

At the time, accusations were made that the American government were connected to the incidents, but no evidence was provided to verify the claims.

Ahwaz is the capital of the western Iranian province of Khuzestan, which is primarily known for its oil production The region is currently going through its most troubled times since Iran was at war with Iraq in 1988.

Recently, there have also been claims that weapons from Iran have been used against British troops in Iraq.

Prime Minister Tony Blair has previously said that he couldn’t be certain of Iran’s connection to the attacks on the soldiers.

However in a statement made on Sunday, foreign minister Jack Straw said he was confident that devices which had killed eight British soldiers had originated from either Iran or Hezbollah.

He said: "The forensic examination of those devices linked their design to Hezbollah and to Iran. That's the evidence we've put to the Iranians."

‘Sick irony’

By Dan Maton Reporter PRESIDENT ROBERT Mugabe of Zimbabwe has compared George W Bush and Tony Blair to wartime dictators Hitler and Mussolini.

Deviating from his prepared speech at the UN Food and Agriculture Organisation’s (FAO) 60th anniversary celebration he called the two leaders ‘international terrorists’ bent on world domination.

He also accused them of invading Iraq illegally and said they were looking to unseat other governments.

The celebrations were supposed to remind delegates that there are an estimated 852 million ‘hungry people’ in the world and that the UN still faces huge challenges in tackling this issue.

The US protested about Mugabe’s invitation. He is banned from travelling to EU countries due to accusations of vote rigging.

A US diplomat was adamant that Mugabe should not have been invited, claiming he would be ‘the last person… an organisation should invite to talk about hunger’. But as the UN held the conference, the dictator was allowed to attend.

Mugabe’s speech did however receive applause from some corners, notably the

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who also used his speech to criticise the US. Chavez claimed that a ‘north American empire’ threatened ‘all life on the planet’ because of pollution and problems associated with climate change.

British representatives, who are no strangers to Mugabe’s attempts to embarrass the West following the handshake between Prince Charles and the dictator at the Pope’s funeral, warned that Mugabe was trying to deflect attention away from what was going on in Zimbabwe by criticising Bush and Blair.

Britain’s representative at the FAO described Mugabe’s presence at a conference on food and hunger as a ‘sick irony’ claiming he had ‘created hunger and poverty in his own country’.

Aid agencies estimate that by the end of this year, five million Zimbabweans out of a population of 12 million will rely on food aid.

Prolonged drought has not helped the situation but Mugabe is widely blamed for the problems due to his continued land reforms that include the forced seizure of white owned farms in an attempt to redistribute land following the end of colonial rule.

DICTATOR: Robert Mugabe

October 24 2005

News

Page 7

news@gairrhydd.com

THE MANIFESTO Your Union Executive unveil thier ‘Team Manifesto’ for the coming academic year and outline what they will be working towards on your behalf

A DECLARATION

By The REPRESENTATIVES Of The

CARDIFF STUDENTS’ UNION 1. IMPROVE WEBSITE We want to revolutionise the way we interact with you by ensuring the website – www.cardiffstudents.com – is the first resource you use for any issue relating to Cardiff University Students’ Union. By putting the website at the forefront of our aims, we will be more accessible and more informative.

2. KEEP WEDNESDAY AFTERNOONS FREE We will hold the University to account and ensure Wednesday afternoons remain free. We will provide you, our members, with the opportunity for personal development on Wednesday afternoons, whether through the Athletic Union clubs, societies, student media, the Student Development Unit and Student Volunteering Cardiff. This period of time is crucial for improving your employability and we want to ensure you get that chance.

3. EDUCATION FUNDING We will address this issue in three main ways. Firstly, we will engage with policy makers at the highest level to ensure we get the best higher education funding solution for students in Cardiff. Secondly, we will engage with the University to ensure students benefit when the extra income flows into the University. Thirdly, we will investigate the National Bursary Scheme, to ensure our students get the best deal possible in the future.

4. HOUSING CAMPAIGN Ever felt ripped off by your landlord? Unsure of all the implications of renting a house in the private sector? We will help you to become well-informed on all the relevant issues by holding a high profile, advice-led housing campaign.

5. INTERNATIONAL VISA CHARGES We will campaign against the Government’s plans to remove the Right of Appeal from foreign students. We will seek to involve students at a grass roots level by lobbying the Government and MPs and standing alongside the NUS against the proposed measures.

6. HEALTH CAMPAIGN We will give you the means to lead the healthiest lifestyle possible, by running a fun campaign encompassing all areas associated with leading a healthy lifestyle. The student stereotype of binge drinking, laziness and a poor diet will be challenged and changed as we get as many students involved as possible.

7. COMMUNITY FORUM We will improve our relationship with the local community by hosting the inaugural community forum in which the Students’ Union will engage directly with our neighbours. This relationship is crucial to our existence and will undoubtedly result in a happier Cathays, Roath, Plasnewydd and beyond.

8. SPONSORSHIP We will help clubs and societies engage with external companies as they endeavour to seek additional funds for their activities. This extra revenue will allow clubs and societies to flourish further and reach their potential.

9. ALUMNI & LIFE-TIME MEMBERSHIP We will develop a system that truly develops a post-University community and will revolutionise alumni events. The links you form during University could prove invaluable once you embark on life as a Cardiff graduate - we will help you to maintain those links.

SABB TE AM: Here to reprez ent

Editorial & Opinion

Page 8

October 24 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

WORK OF ART The artwork scheduled to be located at the base of the Psycology Building tower is sure to be the basis for much debate amongst the student body, as well as the Cardiff, population.

Public art always seems to have the effect of dividing peoples opinion. End of story.

To produce a peice of art that was so universally accepted as seminally brilliant that no one disagreed with it, would be almost a failing on the part of the artist.

Provoking thought is one of the central aims of all such undertakings, and as such people sould be allowed to express their opinions on the work in question.

In the case of the Psychology Building artwork, the University has generously turned this opportunity over to the student body, offering a £50 Amazon gift voucher for the student who comes up with the best suggested name for the work.

You are invited to send your suggestions to: nametheart@cf.ac.uk, watch this space to find out the eventual name of Cardiff ’s newest public artwork.

Cardiff is currently in its centenery year as a city, and is also celebrating 50 years as a capital. As one of the fastest growing, most cosmopolitan and diverse modern cities in Europe, public art has an imporant role to play in the overall look and feel of the city.

Like anything in this world there is, innevitably, a cost implication.

Although much of the funding has been secured from external sources, the contribution from the University is still significant.

It is up to us as individuals to decide, based on the facts, what we make of the Psychology School’s new piece of public art.

MIRROR MIRROR...

This week saw gair rhydd nominated as best student publication in the UK at the annual NUS/Daily Mirror Student Media Awards.

Everyone in the gair rhydd office wishes those nominated the best of luck at the ceremony in London on the 12th of November.

APPOLOGIES Last weeks Five Minuite Fun crossword was missing the clue to six down. After the large scale outpouring of discontent on the gair rhydd text phone, we appologise whole-heartedly for the error.

For those of you who still have the offending crossword to hand, the missing clue was infact ‘6. Residences (9)’.

has little preparation time for games apart from at a major championship.

There is not enough time available for international football but this is unlikely to change.

The current England squad is one of the strongest there has been for several years and is capable of winning the World Cup next year in Germany. Nevertheless, England’s best players need to stay fit and the team will require the slice of luck that has evaded them in previous competitions.

By Ross Whittam

A

s England eased their way into the World Cup Finals why is there a cloud of negativity and uncertainty still surrounding the England team?

So, England qualified for the World Cup with a game to spare.

However, it would be hard to tell from the media reaction.

Had it been Wales, Scotland or Ireland having qualified this would be a cause for national celebration, yet in England it was greeted with muted applause. Why? Although recent performances had been woeful does nobody remember England scraping through to the 2002 finals and avoiding the playoffs with a late David Beckham free kick?

England didn’t even manage to qualify for the 1994 tournament.

in England it was greeted with muted applause England is no longer the world’s greatest imperial power and English people have got used to this fact in all areas of life apart from football. Any hint of failure in a qualifying tournament is a national crisis and the coach must be sacked.

Much criticism has been aimed in the direction of Sven-Goran Eriksson and his apparent tactical ineptitude.

Nonetheless, even his harshest critics must realise that qualification was achieved with Eriksson having had a considerable influence.

If you doubt Eriksson’s credentials as a manager consider this: Eriksson has the second best record of all England managers there have ever been in competitive qualifiers with an average of 2.54 points per game. He only falls behind Walter Winterbottom who had an average of 2.6 points per game while managing England between 1946 and 1962.

His salary of £4.2m a year is strongly criticised but is it his fault that he is paid so much? The FA were the organisation that offered Eriksson a new lucrative contract but nobody blames them for being stupid enough to offer him such a high salary.

“”

Witcombe’s

WORD

Eriksson has made mistakes but which manager hasn’t?

ENGLAND ENTHUSIAST: More of us need to show our support What is ironic is that it is the same newspapers and columnists that were demanding Eriksson to commit himself to the England job that now express a wish for him to depart.

Yes, Eriksson has made mistakes but which manager hasn’t? The criticism levelled at the England team overlooks the sorry state it was in before Eriksson took over four and a half years ago.

People complain that he does not become animated on the touchline or shout at his players. However, when you are dealing with some of the best players in the world shouting does not necessarily work.

How can players gel when squads are always different The problem lies in the fact that there is too much expectation on the England players and coaching staff from both the fans and the press. The team are given too much praise when they win and too much criticism when they lose.

England have won the World Cup once so why do some supporters seem to assume that we have a divine right to win the competition each time it comes around?

I am amazed at the way many

T

he park is empty. No little Molly. No young couple with the scarves. Not one old woman in a worn bobble hat.

There aren’t even other birds.

Little fun to be had in ducking and bobbing. On your own. The lake appears little more than a large, silver puddle. The trees look glum, their branches sagging. Nothing feels natural. And neither do I. In the distance, beyond the hills, I can see five pillars of black smoke rising up. The fumes rise and spread like dark fleeting feathers. It makes my own quiver. Or perhaps that’s the breeze. The silent breeze. Nothing seemed right yesterday either. We performed as always, waddled, hollered, flapped. But no bread. No one looked us in the eye. Only Molly had the look of simple glee, holding

people expect the England squad to be able to train together for a week or less and then turn in a stunning performance. It is just not realistic.

At a club players train and play together for most of the year.

Consequently their team spirit and awareness of each others game is significantly greater.

How can the England players be expected to gel as a team in every game when the squads that are selected differ each time? The team

They have been knocked out on penalties in four of the last seven major international tournaments.

If England has the luck that has eluded them for so many years then a bet on England to win the World Cup could turn out to be a wise investment.

I just hope that many of the xenophobes in the English media do not undermine an England team and manager that has a greater chance than the majority of previous World Cup squads to bring football ‘back home.’

by alex wallis

FREE WORD

DID ENGLAND ACTUALLY QUALIFY?

Al’s World

gair rhydd

a crust out keenly. Her mother led her quickly away down the path, shooting back fretful looks.

The lack of bustle made me queasy, need to sit behind the reeds and doze. Then on awaking…nothing. No gulls. No coots. No swans.

Just the far away smoke to faintly break the stillness. I should fly away.

Somewhere less lonely.

But I still feel quite queasy. I can’t seem to hold my head up. Let alone fly. It’s almost the season of change, when we head for the warm lands.

Best to rest before then. The others must have left early. I’ll catch them up. I wish the trees would sway, the water would ripple. I wish the path would flurry with admirers.

There’s the tiniest movement over by the gate. More movement, hands, hair, scarves…people. There are four of them. They are on the path, they

are moving toward me, so I’m flapping now, I’m waddling, I’m hollering, I’m over here, here I am, I’m hungry, it’s not Molly, or the old woman with the stick, but it’s people, people.

They have odd faces, large reflective eyes, tubular nose like strange metal beaks, long jagged objects in their hands, they’re nearly here, people, people, feed me, watch me, quack, quack…

The bird flu virus H5N1 has now entered Europe. We will need our GPs on standby. We will need 14 million doses of the antiviral drug to combat it. 53,000 of us could die. I could die.

I wonder if they’ll burn me and you together… .......quack

October 24 2005

Editorial & Opinion

Page 9

opinion@gairrhydd.com

A faith that remains unshaken Nearly two weeks on from the South Asia earthquake, Nadia Rahman tells the devestating story of her friend, and her remaining defiant faith

T

wo weeks into leading an insignificant life amongst the equally carefree 22,000 students in Cardiff, I had successfully managed to detach myself from the outside world.

And then, the Earthquake struck; I got the news and I was transported back to a few years ago.

A certain friend’s smiling face came to mind. I knew she was thinking of a dirty joke. I started smiling too just wondering about what ridiculous lengths her twisted mind had travelled to this time. I wasn’t disappointed; she had a fantastically raunchy sense of humour! As suddenly as the thought came to mind, it exited with a jolt and left me cold.

She told me she was okay, but her parents were missing and that I should pray for them Amna is her name. We met about eight years ago, and have had an extremely tight-knit group of friends since, so we practically grew up together. She was always one of the over-achieving types. She acted brilliantly, sang beautifully, debated like she would rip apart the opposition, had a laugh just like Janice’s (it made you wonder whether to laugh or to bang your head against the wall) , had a passion for sick jokes, hugs and

Economics, and more then anything else in the world, she wanted to get married.

Then a couple of years down the line, she begins quoting the Quran every chance she gets, and the rest of us begin to notice the change. Then one particular day, she shows up to school with her head covered. I don’t ever remember laughing as hard as I did when I thought I had realized what she was up to. You see, there was this particularly hot boy in school who also happened to be particularly Islamic too, and the rest of us figured she was merely trying to impress him by turning into a fundamentalist herself! We stuck to our assumption for a while, but needless to say, we were proved wrong.

Two years ago her brother was to be married. As the preparations for the wedding were underway, with one week left until the day, he got shot in the head. He spent six months in hospital and then gradually recovered.

The family had just recovered from that trauma, but how were they to know that they would have to face a calamity that would shred the family apart? How was Amna to know that one day she would wake up to go to college, say goodbye to her parents and then never see them again? How was she to know that the only house she had ever lived in would be reduced to nothing less then rubble only in a matter of five seconds?

How was anyone to know?

As soon as I heard about Margalla Towers, a ten story apartment build-

establish who it was.

It’s now been ten days since the earthquake hit, and the father’s body still hasn’t been found. When I spoke to Amna during her mother’s funeral, she told me it was her mother’s birthday that very same day and that she couldn’t believe how lucky she was to be spending her birthday with God, in the Holy month of Ramadan.

The sad thing is that Amna’s story

At least she has her brothers.

Other families have been wiped out completley MARGALLA TOWERS: Once a home to so many ing collapsing in Islamabad, the capital of Pakistan, as a result of the south Asian earthquake, I began trembling.

I knew Amna lived in those apartments. I was petrified to think of what had happened to her. I called her up, I could hardly speak, my whole body shaking violently. She answered the phone, her voice composed. She told me she was okay, but her parents were missing and that I should pray for them.

And pray for them I did, as did everyone else who knew her or her family. I spoke to her everyday for a week and wept because the parents had not been found, but she regained

this sense of stability as she somehow believed they would be found. Alive.

Initially, there was a chance: a 75-year -old woman was brought out alive by the British rescue team after spending five days under the rubble. But as the week drew to a close, so did my faith that I would ever see them again. And then I got the call.

Amna’s mother had been identified in a hospital where she had been lying for four days. Amna’s brother had seen the body but had refused to accept that it was his mother; the body was so disfigured. It was only after another relative went and recognized her rings that they were able to

is just a small example of one of the families who are suffering from this catastrophe. At least she has her brothers. Other families have been wiped out completely, as have complete villages and towns. It makes one wonder whether the quake came upon us as a warning or a punishment. The fact is that if anything, the quake came as a jolt for us to wake the hell up, and take notice.

It reminds me of just two weeks ago when I wanted to go to a particular party but the tickets were all sold out, and I thought of how unfair life was. And now I think of Amna. This is a girl who has just become an orphan, has been left homeless, without a single belonging, and she still praises and thanks God. I marvel at her faith.

Tell me what makes a man OPEN TO CHANGE?

W

e have to blame the people at Topshop and River Island for these atrocities against humanity. For the past year I have frequently stepped into their shops only to be greeted by the confusion of which gender floor I should shop at.

Topman had its men’s rack of clothes covered with pink and purple and stripy garments, which resemble a wardrobe very similar to Elton John.

The women’s section at times is more masculine than her male counter part.

From a sociological standpoint shops are meant to represent the mainstream culture and reflect what the superstructure prescribes. So it comes as a surprise that men are surrounded by wall-to-wall pink not just in their girlfriend’s rooms but their wardrobe.

Is this an innate male desire to look like Eddie Izzard?

But then again does it? Peter Mandelson’s boyfriend must have a say in what the EU Trade Commissioner can and cannot allow in this country from China and Taiwan.

But it does beg the question with the lack of ‘male role models’ at primary school levels, that ‘he’ is being replaced with simply the ‘male model’ and his ‘role’ being taken away.

Women have tried for almost a century to act like men in the name of equality, now at school girls are banned from wearing skirts.

Has this prompted the men of this world to change their styles too? You only have to look in your local Boots to see a whole aisle dedicated to ‘Nivea for Men’ facial packs.

Is this socialization in the extreme or an innate male desire to look like Eddie Izzard? Every man at one point in his life would have walked around in his mother’s shoes or put her make-up on, or even worn their girlfriends underwear for a gender-bending laugh.

Although with an attempt to clone a human embryo made by three mothers what is a man left to do?

Gender roles in society are being challenged by the idiotic political correctness and skewed social equality that New Labour has surrendered to.

I urge the men of this world to not surrender to this attack on what makes us men. Do not be tempted by thinking you can pull off a pink polo neck or stripy jumper.

By Joanne Grew

T

he new and hotly debated 24-hour licensing laws introduced by the Government will give a more relaxed attitude towards drinking, and it is hoped Britain will adopt a similar drinking culture to that of other European countries.

As well as being a great boost for tourism and more importantly entertainment, the Government hope it will eventually tackle our country’s binge drinking culture. This problem has escalated dramatically in Britain over the past few years. Most of the trouble caused on the streets of Britain being due to the fact that bars and pubs close at the same time,

causing crowds to congregate outside after being kicked out.

The fact that bars and pubs close earlier forces drinkers to consume as much as they can in a limited amount of time. These new and flexible laws will put less pressure on drinkers, creating a relaxed culture towards drinking in Britain. This will give students the opportunity to drink when they want to without having to worry about when the bars and pubs will close. We will be treated as grown ups having the right to drink leisurely when we want to.

This new legalisation will move our country away from its yobbish relationship with drink and adopt a more sophisticated and continental approach.

e n O

y n A IZZARD: Don’t be a wannabe

oP Any INI ON

e

y n A

m ti

opinion@gairrhydd.com

By Tim Hewish

Letters

Page 10

October 24 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE!

The gair rhydd letters page Hello folks, today I am going to talk about pink pigs and millionaires. According to the Daily Mirror, you need 2.6 million pounds to indulge in a typical millionaire lifestyle. Don’t you just hate inflation? At this rate only millionaires will be able to go to university.

Secondly, people are giving out pink pigs outside the union today, apparently squeezing them will aid stress. However, the GR team are using them to cause stress- by throwing them at my head. Oh well, who said pigs can’t fly? Have a good week. Menon

Science Abuse SCIENCE! I am amused, disappointed and sadly not at all surprised by the fact that your science reporter seems to have no idea what science really is.

Science is the observation, identification, description, experimental investigation, and theoretical explanation of phenomena.

It is the process whereby we gather data, examine the evidence and- in an ideal world come to a solution that best fits the evidence that we have.

Basically every time I drop an apple it falls. Therefore when I drop the apple next time it will probably fall and this may be because there is a force acting on the apple to pull it downwards.

In practice we propose a theory, test it and if it holds up we use it until a better theory comes along which better fits the evidence that we have.

Fact and proof are merely measures of acceptance in scientific community.

Until new evidence came along it was held as fact that the world was flat, the brontosaurus existed and that maggots spontaneously appeared on rotting meat. We cannot prove that there was a big Bang? What we can do is say that all evidence points to the fact that that was the case.

What is important is that you come at the data not having your conclusion ready made, but willing to examine the evidence and see what it suggests.

Materialist scientists have decided there is not a God, therefore no scientific explanation can include one.

That is not scientific. Let us look at

text

the evidence. If the evidence points to an intelligent creator then may the scientific God - who would have made us, have us. If it doesn't, it doesn't, but lets (sic) be objective try (sic) to keep up the practice of true science.

Yours, Craig Beaton, 2nd year Medic MENON SAYS: Give science a break mate. If you think the science reporter is wank, why don’t you write an article next week? And when you do write something, check your grammar because there are a couple of mistakes in your letter.

Brutal Bouncers BOUNCERS have a bad reputation, of that there is no doubt.

Bouncers have a difficult job, of that there is no doubt.

Having to deal with hundreds of drunken people day in day out cannot be much fun and when things get out of hand they have a job to do. There surely must be a line though.

This is not an anti-bouncer rant.

Let’s face it, most students or regular party-goers who have altercations with bouncers are idiots and moreoften than not deserve it. Last Saturday night however, in the Clwb Ifor Bach (Welsh Club), I witnessed a bizarre act of uncontrolled aggression that should not go without a mention.

The scenario: student, drunk, second floor of Welsh Club. Trying to get into a locked door, bouncer telling him he cannot. It is an office apparently, fair enough. Asked him what he

07791165837

public law: i cant believe this guy’s wearin stripes and squares together!

Where is the clue for 6 down?

We are all university students, can people who write letters learn how to use apostrophes...

We are all university students, can people who write texts learn how to use question marks?

Would anyone pay 2500 quid to wee on amy’s

head?

A certain internet company (rhymes with empty hell) are large scale ass rapists! Die! Dear Ed. 6 Down. CUNT! What u call a fit girl in engineering?...Lost!

Lewis loves the russians I heart D C Gates Tv page. There is no e on the end of skys name! Idiots

wants to do, show student into the bar, drunken student walks away from the bar towards the stairs, utters an expletive to the bouncer. Bouncer takes offence, him and his pal proceed to hurl student down two flights of stone steps, dragging him on the floor, before throwing him into the road with a bleeding mouth and nose.

The police were called, witness statements are given, two sides of the story as you will appreciate. The Welsh Club tells the student that if he presses charges of assault, they will charge him with attempted burglary of the office and they have it all on CCTV. Attempted burglary? There was not even the smallest chance that the said student was planning some kind of office break-in; to walk in and just sneak out of a full club on a Saturday night with a computer, or a chair, or a pen, or whatever else they think he was trying to steal was in my eyes, an absurd suggestion.

This seems unreasonable but everyone decides to leave it until the next day. Until the said student is contacted by the police, the CCTV has been seen and everyone has gathered their thoughts.

Sure enough they phone him, only to reveal that (conveniently or inconveniently, depending which way you look at it), there is no CCTV on the second floor of Welsh Club, only the top and bottom floors, so there is not a lot they can do.

Now I do not know whether this is true or not, but given that they claimed to have his ‘attempted burglary’ on CCTV you can forgive me for being cynical. I also do not wish to take the law into my hands or criticise the police, but the event raises a number of issues and seems to blur the lines between right and wrong.

If I hurled a drunken student down two flights of stairs, I would no doubt be in quite a lot of trouble.

Does this mean that a black coat, big muscles and a job in a club gives anybody the right to exert excessive violence on people who are not initiating violence? I think not, but this seems to be the message that is being given. The said student should have been thrown out of the club, asking him to leave would have been just.

But the act of violence I saw genuinely shocked me and I don’t see why these bouncers should get away with it. The student was thrown down two flights of stone steps, he was lucky not to break his neck.

Yours, Tom Howard

Reffing Hell I THINK it’s time you heard the views of the current IMG Football referee situation from a football referee, as opposed to the usual Sky Sports News viewer who regurgitates the views of a fat retired footballer.

The new system involves a referee from each team randomly assigned to referee half of a different fixture FROM THEIR GROUP, plus each team must provide a linesman for both halves of this game.

This means that each team must submit three officials every Wednesday. Those players getting at most, 45 minutes of football, or if you are the misfit from Law, Carbs or Engine, you will be lucky to get five minutes anyway so it shouldn’t be a problem.This is a step in the right direction, but it is flawed.

From my Sunday league experience, the linesmen don’t need to be neutral, they certainly shouldn’t signal for offside (ONLY throw ins), and if the referee thinks they have given a biased decision, they are overruled.

It is widely regarded that a fiftyfifty challenge for a throw in or corner should be awarded to the defending team. Now having gotten rid of neutral linesman, a neutral referee is ideal, 14 games per season, around 14 players per squad, so every player can be rotated into missing 45 mins of football in a season.

As for the allocations, officials in the same league will cause a lot of fuss after the halfway point when we start to throw matches to favour our own team (Believe me this will happen!).

So the referees should officiate on a fixture from a different league. And while I’m here, £3.20 for a double JD and coke in Rubber Duck? Get it sorted.

Yours, Martyn Lewis, Class A SWFA referee MENON SAYS: You have raised a good point here. Refereeing a game from your own group will simply cause match-fixing. But as you say, things are certainly moving in the right direction.

What about Wales?

AS A WELSH football fan I've had little to cheer about in recent times: a dissapointing World Cup qualifying campaign, a poor choice of new manager, a host of big name retirements and a number of painstaking trips around Europe following a team in disarray.

Yet last Wednesday something even more infuriating was added to my list of grievances.

Myself and a few mates, desparate to watch the Wales v Azerbaijan match - as none of us have Sky Sports - trawled around the "student" pubs looking for a TV showing the match.

To our dismay we couldn't find a single TV - let alone a big screen showing it. The Mackintosh, The Woodville, Gassys, The Social and The End all showed the England game (although i found out later that the George did show the Wales match). In the end we had to settle for watching the second half in the Crwys.

My point is this: surely it's not too much to ask every bar to show a Welsh international even if the match is relegated to a small screen in the corner. And before some cocky Englishman writes in to tell us how important the English game was and how shit Wales are, WE KNOW, but it's entirely a matter of principal.

Yours, Pissed-off Postgrad MENON SAYS: I really wanted to watch Stalybridge v Altrincham that night but it wasn’t on TV.

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com If you want to get your point across to the Cardiff population, this is the place to do it.

Send your gripes to the above email address. If you want to see your letter printed in next week’s issue, try and email it

by Thursday lunchtime.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

letter of the week What a waste!

FAR FROM BEING an eco-warrior, or even an active member of People and Planet, I am still bothered by the amount of money the union is prepared to waste every week on unnecessary advertising, not to mention the damage this does to the environment.

I ask you: is there any need to advertise such events as Rubber Duck and Come Play, to the extent they are advertised within the union, given that these events take place on the exact same day, at the exact same place, for the exact same price every week?

I can assure you the answer is: certainly not. Doesn’t the union, as a whole, believe that this is money

that could be better spent elsewhere. I know I certainly do.

So come on Mr Goodman, Mr Dunlop, whoever it is that is responsible for this catastrophic waste that has been allowed to carry on for as many years as I can remember. Stop the foolish flyering, invest the money elsewhere.

Sian Mundy

Comment

October 24 2005

Page 11

geordie@gairrhydd.com

The chewing gum on the shoe of opinion

Blair is PM but the Law is King

T

here’s little in the way of gunpowder or plot, but I’m definitely guilty of Treason.

Calling for the abolition of the Monarchy in print, as I did right here last May, is an offence punishable by life imprisonment under the Treason Felony Act of 1848.

I’ve not had the Police knocking on the door yet, but, in theory, they could.

The law is still on the statute book despite an attempt led by Tony Benn to have it removed several years ago – and the police simply choose not to enforce it.

If, as our fearless leader insists, a formal written constitution is so essential for the foundation of democracy in Iraq, perhaps we should have one in our ‘civilised’ country. It could be the necessary initial spark of legal system reform – currently a make-it-up-as-wego-along affair more resembling a fresher’s kitchen experiment than the base of law and order – into one in which those enforcing the law don’t have the ultimate say in what legislation they uphold and the authority to override the democratic running of the country.

That democratic process is partly at fault, of course. Rashly passing laws to cover a (real or fictitious) present threat is dangerous when those laws may remain laws indefinitely, unless someone has the common sense to repeal them. (You’ve all seen the new Star Wars trilogy by now, you know what I’m talking about. ‘Emergency’ powers. Art imitating life.)

Even if the Terrorism Act and the new powers of arrest were justified, even if we had to currently suspend some of our civil liberties for our own safety (which is a notion I reject utterly) it will no longer be necessary in the future. The woman in Aberdeen arrested under the Act for running along a cycle path (in another clear abuse of power) may only be the first of such incidents for a very long time. (I can only speak for myself here, but I’m far more concerned about being wrongful-

2 G ✑

Now that the ID Cards Bill has passed through parliament, the Government must decide what they are going to do about those whose identities they wish to protect.

If the card is going to be linked to a national database, undercover operatives working for the security services or protected court witnesses will require a second file. This raises two points.

Firstly, if these two categories are given double identities then it is a clear indication that the authorities accept that in some circumstances protecting one’s real identity is necessary, but they’re monopolising that

Question:

ly arrested than I am about being blown up.)

Recently, an anti-vivisection campaigner was arrested under the Vagrancy Act 1824 in Lancaster. The Justices of the Peace Act 1361 has also recently been raised from what appeared to be the dead but was evidently only a coma, both under cir-

cumstances in which they never intended to be used. On the other hand, many traffic offences are not prosecuted in London, as Sir Ian Blair isn’t a fan of speed limits. It is currently illegal to be drunk in charge of a cow, yet according to local bye laws any natural born citizen of York can lawfully shoot a Scotsman with a longbow from with-

in the City walls.

The time limit or expiry date on the original Terrorism Act 2000 was a step in the right direction, but unfortunately was so short that the law had to be replaced with ever more wide-ranging and repressive version. Ideally, all new legislation would have an expiry date (a few terms of Parliament, say) after which they could be renewed if still relevant or otherwise deleted.

A citizen of York can lawfully shoot a Scotsman with a longbow

BRAVEHEART: You could still shoot him in York privacy.

Secondly, it only takes at most a handful of corrupt employees to discover and reveal the identity of such persons, which may result in fewer undercover intelligence operations and witnesses to cases involving potentially violent reprisal. Did someone say ill-thought-out law?

✎

If you think Freshers’ week here is bad, be thankful you’re not studying at Christ Church College, Oxford. At the end of their traditional start to university life, one student smeared excrement around a halls of residence.

His punishment was a fine, the same as another student unlucky enough to vomit outside of his room.

This is much like awarding the same sentence for murder and manslaughter.

One is the result of the loss of control (ie. stupidity), the other from malice (ie. the perpetrator was clearly the sort of person who, upon meeting him, would immediately be on the receiving end of a profanity I can no longer use in this publication).

That said, someone shat on my doorstep in my first year and he’s a pretty good bloke.

✑

The US and UK Governments proved themselves to be hypocrites of the highest order once again after criticising Iranian interference in internal Iraqi affairs.

No mention of our/their interven-

The police simply cannot be allowed to pick and choose which laws they enforce. What little vetting exists on selection is woefully inefficient, as is evidenced by the level of institutional racism revealed recently. While many police officers are good people who do their best to protect ordinary citizens, there is also a fair (unfair?) share of megalomaniacs, jobsworths and simpletons.

On one occasion I was chased for six miles by car by an off-duty Special Constable who then proceeded to get out of his car and beat the windows of mine because – after he had physically threatened a friend of mine and then followed him to my house, for no real reason – my old man had told the Special to ‘piss off’. The representatives of law and order indeed.

Much of this column has consisted of raging against the government’s incompetence and stupidity, but we can (ostensibly) hold them to account. Not so with the police, if they are allowed to enforce the law selectively. They may have been written 2,000 years ago, but the words of Juvenal ring true today: “Who will guard the guardians?” tion or the presence of our/their weapons in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Nicaragua, Vietnam, Korea... Good way to win their hearts and minds, that.

✎

The UN has moved to allow countries to protect their film and music industries, limiting the number of foreign films and music to be broadcast, in a move designed to counter American cultural imperialism.

The French, unsurprisingly are delighted. It’s left me conflicted. While my initial instincts were against nannying legislation, it might mean less unforgivably pap MTV. Hopefully, that means no more Pimp My Ride.

✑

Also, ID cards are bad.

Why must we be ruled by cretins? - Answers to geordie@gairrhydd.com

CHOICE

I

t is said that wherever the US leads the UK will eventually follow, but in this case the reverse may be true – America may elect a female leader for the first time over 25 years after Britain did the same. The Presidential election of 2008 looks like it may be contested

by Condoleezza Rice and Hilary Clinton. One of these women is pro-war (ie. in Iraq), anti-gay marriage and anti-abortion. The other is Condoleezza Rice.

Condoleezza’s personal beliefs are almost identical to Clinton’s politics, and an election in which the two would contest the Presidency doesn’t, at first glance, seem like much of a choice at all. But the differences between the women are in implementation - how their own world-view affects policy - specifically, whether either would legislate on, for example, the latter two of my examples.

While the Republican Party has introduced an amendment to the constitution specifically banning gay marriage, Clinton was one of the senators that blocked the legislation, preferring to devolve such decisions to the states. Rather, her own opposition to gay marriage comes from the belief that most Americans would oppose it, and she approves extension of the same rights as held by married couples to those in a same-sex relationship, but without involving the term ‘marriage’.

While the Republican Party have reduced the latest time at which abortions are legal, and will, if their candidate wins the next election, probably move toward an outright ban, Clinton prefers that terminations remain legal. She not only believes that criminalisation will do nothing to prevent abortions from taking place (leading to a backstreet industry similar to the drug trade that results from proscription) but doesn’t believe that women should be told what they can and cannot do with their bodies. So despite her personal distaste, the practice would remain legal.

Hilary Clinton has been criticised by much of the left-wing media (what little exists in the US, that is) for a presumed rightward lean – particularly after finding herself agreeing with Newt Gingrich and Dick Cheney and becoming sufficiently Republican-like that Rupert Murdoch has stopped his previously-incessant Hilary-bashing, contributing to the illusion that a choice between Rice and Clinton wasn’t really a choice. But Hilary Clinton is a Democrat in the literal as well as party-affiliation sense, willing to put her own prejudices to one side (at least on domestic, social issues) and allow government from the bottom up, rather than the Republican tendency towards elective dictatorship.

No choice? Choice is what Mrs Clinton is all about.

Politics

Page 12

October 24 2005

politics@gairrhydd.com

VIVE LA REVOLUTION

What happened to student political radicalism? Claire King argues we need to find our political spark, and below, Andrew Mickel suggests it’s died for a reason

By Claire King Political Correspondent

O

nce upon a time, universities were not only centres for learning, but starting blocks for revolution and social change.

Today, the general public holds the fairly accurate perception that the modern student’s only concerns are their next drink and their next shag.

You may feel radically alternative because of that picture of Ché Guevara hanging on your wall, but do you actually have any idea what it represents?

Your charity band may display to others exactly how concerned you are with social action, but apart from gaining a slightly tacky accessory, what have you actually done to help that cause?

Unlike our parents and grandparents, we probably won’t be able to tell future generations of the prominent social reforms in which we were involved. Instead we will be able to regale them with yet another ‘hilarious’ tale of how we ended up waking up in a compromising position next to a traffic cone.

Historically, a large proportion of revolutions have had their roots in universities. In the United States, the American Youth Congress formed in the 1930s and protested against youth exploitation and the compulsory draft.

It boasted over four-million members. In Eastern Europe, the peaceful protests of students in Budapest sparked a chain of events eventually resulting in the 1956 Hungarian Revolution. In the 1960s the US Student Non-Violent Co-ordinating Committee was at the forefront of the American Civil Rights Movement and raised the issue of racism to the head of the political agenda.

The late 1960s saw a wave of student revolutions around the world. In France, problems between students

and the administration provoked a nation-wide uprising eventually involving workers, anarchists and right-wing activists. German students reacting against the hypocrisy of the authoritarian government achieved a vast improvement in living conditions for students and spurred the radicalisation of student politics.

In Spain, protests against Franco’s dictatorship became so spirited they led to clashes with the Spanish police.

Indonesian students are currently so politically active that political organisations keenly seek to align themselves with student groups. Serbian students’ response to the government’s repressive attitude to both universities and the media led to ‘Otpor!’ (Resistance), and the manufacture of the ‘Gotov je’ (he’s finished) movement that caused the downfall of Slobodan Milosevic in the September 2000 presidential campaign.

Your charity band may display how concerned you are, but what have you actually done?

Such campaigns illustrate that we, as students, have a huge potential for political influence. So what will our legacy as students be?

The NUS boasts 5.2 million members, yet it was still possible for New Labour to introduce top-up fees. This means that in 2008 it is estimated that the average student debt will be higher than £33,000. The issue was so contrived that Blair won the top-up fees vote by just five votes.

Whilst this crucial vote was taking place the NUS had failed to mobilise a

PROTEST: Politics taken to the street demonstration, which could have swayed the vote far more favourably.

There were evident lies in both Blair’s 1997 and 2001 manifestos, where he clearly stated that he had no plans to introduce student fees, but even this hypocrisy did not serve to provoke student action.

The defeatist attitude of those who did actually managed to peel themselves off the sofa to protest was also notable, as the initial numbers of the 2003 protest were vastly reduced at the

later 2004 Cardiff demo – numbers dropped from a respectable 30,000 to a meagre 3,000. Even this issue which will directly affect students was not enough to trigger student protest, so presumably anything outside of the immediate student bubble is unlikely to be of any particular interest to the average student.

Currently, there is a great diversity in the backgrounds and upbringing of students at this university, but with the onslaught of top-up fees this may no

longer be the case. Our time at university is very short. Never again will you meet with such a broad spectrum of opinion.

The Student Union offers so many societies; political, religious, charitable and social. Now is your chance to get involved with something, form an opinion and make use of your education. Alternatively, you could choose to spend another night in the intimate company of a traffic cone.

Tough choice.

THE MUNDANE DEATH OF POLITICAL RADICALISM

By Andrew Mickel Political Editor

S

o what exactly happened to the political spark in British students? Arguably, we simply don’t need such radical inclinations any more.

In the past in this country and still today abroad, political sides are engaged in a battle of ideas. As governments try to implement a grand political overlay onto what they do in office, those who don’t fit in or agree with the plan take to the streets.

But government in Britain isn’t about a ‘Big Idea’ any more; they’re here to manage the country, not to give us political projects that could fire up peoples’ passions. When Labour and the Conservatives have effectively become different names for the same

ideas, it’s safe to say that our ideological debates are effectively behind us.

The few remaining students who are willing to take to the streets in an attempt at making change happen are more likely to protest against business in anti-globalisation marches than a political idea because it is business, not politics, that still has a contested role in society. Students are still aware enough of what is going on that some will feel strongly enough about it that they will protest; but politics isn’t what gets people out onto the streets any more.

But it’s not just the ideas that have changed; students have as well.

Without a culture of protest, when an occasional issue does come up that could get people interested, no-one knows how to do it anymore.

Collective action has instead become a

thing of the past.

The Iraq War was the last big issue that could have been affected by peo-

The decision to march against the Iraq War was often a lifestyle choice disguised as political action ple power. The march in London before the start of the Iraq War is often cited as a sign that people are still politically engaged, but to really bring about change would have required the millions of people who turned up to

repeatedly keep up the pressure on the government.

Instead, the decision to go on the march was often a lifestyle choice instead of a political action, a chance to have a day out in London, disguised as as effective execution of long-held political ideas.

Should we be surprised that campuses aren’t the hotbeds of political action that the 1960s are characterised as being? There simply aren’t the same immediate concerns for students to be concerned about. Instead of protesting for a fairer and more equitable society, we can use our time to spend the money that is so much more easily available to students now. The Student Loan Company is effectively taking away any need to worry about the old student concerns, and they do it three times a year.

The reason so few people attended the anti-fees march here in Cardiff last year is that it just isn’t such a barrier to education in the same way it used to be. In a country where most students are middle class, there’s little need to take a radical stance on any immediate concern. This is little comfort for future students who aren’t in that position to take from this; but solidarity is an increasingly historical concept.

Many certainly mourn the death of such political activism; the romantic ideal of protesting for progress certainly still holds a certain attraction. But to make change happen, it is more effective to go through existing channels of power rather than to take to the streets.

It may not have the immediate appeal of radical action; but if you want to make a change, it’s more likely to happen the dull way.

Taf-Od

24 Hydref 2005

Tud 13

tafod@gairrhydd.com

‘Cofiwch Dryweryn’ dwyd cymuned draddodiadol Gymraeg dan ddwr.

Er bod awdurdodau gwleidyddol Cymru yn croesawu ymddiheuriad Lerpwl, y mae’r gweithrediadau diweddar wedi dod ag atgofion poenus i’r wyneb am y bobl hynny a ddioddefodd yn sgil Tryweryn.

Gan Kathryn Harries Gohebydd Taf-Od

Y

mddengys bod arweinwyr Cyngor Dinas Lerpwl yn barod i ymddiheuro am foddi Capel Celyn ddeugain mlynedd yn ôl.

Cafodd pentref Capel Celyn, ger y Bala yng Ngwynedd, ei foddi ym 1965 er mwyn darparu dwr i ddinas ddiwydiannol Lerpwl. Codwyd argae ar draws afon Tryweryn a fyddai’n boddi Capel Celyn a dinistrio 12 fferm, swyddfa post, ysgol a chapel yn llwyr.

Daeth yr ymddiheuriad arfaethedig ar ôl awgrymiad i gynnal yr Eisteddfod Genedlaethol yn Lerpwl. Y mae’r syniad wedi creu gwrthwynebiad ffyrnig ac yn dod ag atgofion am ddigwyddiadau Tryweryn.

“Gobeithio y gellir adfer y berthynas hanesyddol a chadarn rhwng Lerpwl a Chymru yn llwyr” ‘Rydyn ni’n ymddiheuro am unrhyw ansensitifrwydd,’ meddai Cyngor Lerpwl, gan ychwanegu ei bod yn ‘gobeithio y gellir adfer y berthynas hanesyddol a chadarn rhwng Lerpwl a Chymru yn llwyr.’ Bydd cynlluniau i

“Mae’r ymddiheuriad yn rhy hwyr i’r trigolion a gafodd eu heffeithio”

Cyngor Sir Lerpwl yn barod i ymddiheuro am drychineb Tryweryn 40 mlynedd yn ddiweddarach ymddiheuro’n swyddogol yn cael eu trafod yn ystod cyfarfod nesa'r cyngor ar Hydref 19.

Y mae arweinwyr gwleidyddol Cymru yn cefnogi bwriad Lerpwl i ymddiheuro. Dywedodd Prif Weinidog Cymru, Rhodri Morgan, ‘Rwy’n croesawu’r syniad bod Cyngor Dinas Lerpwl yn barod i ymddiheuro’. Ac mae arweinydd Plaid Cymru, Elfyn Llwyd, wedi datgan ei fod yntau’n derbyn yr ymddiheuriad. Yn ôl Elfyn Llwyd, dylid codi cofgolofn ar safle Llyn Celyn, ac y dylai Cyngor Lerpwl dalu amdani. Byddai’r gofgolofn hon yn cadw’r cof am golled cymuned, ac yn sicrhau na chaiff pentref Capel Celyn ei anghofio.

Cymuned Gymraeg ei hiaith oedd Capel Celyn, a oedd yn cynnwys llai na phymtheg o adeiladau.

Gwrthwynebodd y bobl leol ac awdurdodau Cymru fwriad Cyngor Lerpwl i greu cronfa ar safle’r pentref yn chwyrn. Trefnwyd protestiadau cyhoeddus gan drigolion Capel Celyn i ddangos eu gwrthsafiad i ddinistr eu cartrefi.

Yr oedd Elwyn Edwards yn 13 oed pan fygythiwyd ty ei daid gan gynllun Lerpwl, ac ymunodd mewn protest yn Lerpwl ym mis Tachwedd 1956.

‘Cawsom ein hebrwng drwy’r ddinas gan yr heddlu,’ meddai am y profiad hwnnw, ‘yn gorymdeithio gyda’n baneri.’

Yn ychwanegol at brotestiadau’r bobl leol, gwrthwynebodd 35 o 36 aelod seneddol Cymru'r bwriad i foddi cwm Tryweryn. Ond anwybyddwyd chwerwder y Cymry a pharhaodd y cynlluniau i foddi cwm Tryweryn.

Derbyniwyd Mesur Boddi Cwm Tryweryn ar Awst 1, 1957, dan lywodraeth Harold Macmillan.

Gorfodwyd trigolion Capel Celyn i adael eu cartrefi a dechreuodd Gyngor Lerpwl weithio ar godi argae ym 1960.

Dinistriwyd pob adeilad, gan gynnwys y capel a’i fynwent. Symudwyd rhai beddau’r fynwent i orffwysfaoedd newydd, ond erys y lleill dan goncrid y gronfa. Cafodd yr ardal ei drawsnewid yn llwyr, ac erbyn Hydref 1965 clad-

Mae Michael Williams, a oedd yn teithio i’r pentref er mwyn gwerthu pysgod a bara, yn cofio bod yn rhaid i bobl leol wylio eu cartrefi’yn doliflanu’h araf o dan ddwr. ‘Roeddwn i’n meddwl,’ meddai Mr Williams, ‘y byddai’r boddi yn digwydd mewn pythefnos i fis ond fe gymrodd tua blwyddyn i lenwi’r llyn i gyd.’

Yn ôl rhai, daw’r ymddiheuriad yn rhy hwyr. Dywed Aeron Prysor Jones, a oedd yn fachgen ifanc pan adeiladwyd yr argae, fod ‘yr ymddiheuriad yn rhy hwyr i’r trigolion gafodd eu heffeithio.’

Ni all ymddiheuriad wneud yn iawn am y ffaith mai dan ddwr y mae pentref Capel Celyn heddiw. Ond efallai y bydd gweithrediadau diweddar Cyngor Lerpwl yn cymryd cam i leddfu ychydig ar y difrod a achoswyd ganddynt ddeugain mlynedd yn ôl.

Gan Rhiannon Evans Gohebydd Taf-Od

Y Ddraig ar ei ffordd i Awstria? A Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od

D

aeth gemau rhagbrofol Cwpan y Byd 2006 i ben ar 12 Hydref, ac er na fydd y ddraig goch yn brwydro yn yr Almaen haf nesaf, nid oes gan y Cymry reswm yn y byd dros ddigalonni.

Gorffennodd Cymru ei hymgyrch gyda dwy fuddugoliaeth ganmoladwy, y tro cyntaf iddyn nhw ennill dwy gêm yn olynol ers i dîm Bobby Gould guro Denmarc a Belarws ym 1998. A does dim dwywaith pwy oedd seren y sioe yn y ddwy gêm ddiweddaraf.

Derbyniodd Ryan Giggs ganmoliaeth glodwiw iawn gan ei reolwr, John Toshak, wedi’r fuddugoliaeth o 2 – 0 yn erbyn Azerbaijan.

‘Mae Ryan yn dipyn o Bibydd Brith ar hyn o bryd. Mae’n llwyddo i ddangos arweiniad i bawb arall,’ meddai Toshack, a benodwyd yn olynydd i Mark Hughes yn Nhachwedd 2004.

‘Mae’n amlwg fod Ryan yn mwynhau a’i fod wrth ei fodd gyda’r cyfrifoldeb sydd ganddo’n gapten ar y tîm.’

Sgoriodd Giggs, a enillodd ei gap cyntaf yn erbyn yr Almaen yn Nhachwedd 1991, ac yntau ond yn 17 mlwydd oed, trydedd gôl Cymru yn

erbyn Gogledd Iwerddon ar 8 Hydref, gan sicrhau buddugoliaeth o 3 – 2 wedi i Simon Davies a Carl Robinson sgorio’r ddwy gyntaf.

Hon oedd gôl gyntaf Giggs yng nghrys coch Cymru ers ymweliad diwethaf yr Azeri â Chaerdydd fis Mawrth 2003, ac mae’n amlwg iddo gael blas ar y profiad wrth iddo sgorio unig ddwy gôl y gêm yn eu herbyn y tro hwn, gan ddathlu cap 55.

‘Yn amlwg rwy’n hapus iawn fy mod wedi sgorio’r goliau, ond yr hyn oedd yn bwysig oedd sgorio’n gynnar’, meddai Giggs. ‘Mae gennym flwyddyn i adeiladu ar gyfer gêmau rhagbrofol Pencampwriaethau Ewrop bellach, ac rwy’n gobeithio y gallwn ni barhau i ennill’.

Gorffennodd Cymru Grwp 6 yn y pumed safle ac er bod dyfodol ein tîm rhyngwladol yn edrych yn obeithiol unwaith eto, rhybuddiodd Toshack bod ‘gennym ffordd bell iawn i fynd. ’Mae’n amlwg fod John Toshack yn ystyried y dyfodol o ddifrif, yn rhoi cyfle i’r chwaraewyr ifanc ennyn profiad ar y cae rhyngwladol.

Gwnaeth David Cotterill a Andrew Croft eu hymddangosiad cyntaf mewn crys coch yn erbyn Azerbaijan, a thalodd y rheolwr ei deyrnged i’r chwaraewr ifanc David Vaughan, a gymerodd le Robert Earnshaw: ‘Dwi’n

Ryan Giggs yn dathlu cap 55 gyda 2 gol yn erbyn Azerbaijan credu bod Vaughan wedi chwarae’n aruthrol yn ei ffordd ei hun.’

‘Dwi wedi fy nghyffroi gan y bechgyn ifanc yma sydd yn dod i’r amlwg,’ ategodd Giggs, ‘mae’n rhaid i ni eu magu mewn tîm sydd yn ennill.’

Canmolodd y capten chwaraewyr mwyaf profiadol Cymru yn ogystal.

‘Mae cyfraniad John [Hartson] wedi bod yn un anferthol,’ meddai, ‘mae wedi sgorio goliau pwysig ac mae’n gawr i’w gael yn y tîm.’

Yn anffodus, ni lwyddodd Hartson i ddathlu ei 50fed gêm gyda gôl yn Stadiwm y Mileniwm a gwneud yn iawn am y gic gosb a fethodd ar Barc Windsor, Belffast ar yr 8ed.

Does dim amheuaeth fod John Toshack a’i dîm wedi gosod sylfeini cadarn dros yr wythnosau diwethaf, a chyda’r profiadol ac amhrofiadol yn dangos cymaint o ymroddiad a gobaith onid allwn ddechrau trefnu gwyliau i Awstria yn barod?

Yn sicr, ry’n ni’n gwybod o brofiad nad yw eistedd yn ôl a mwynhau yn ennill gêmau. Sawl gwyliau ofer a drefnwyd i Bortiwgal y llynedd?

Tra bydd llygaid y byd ar y cwpan a’r timau a lwyddodd i gyrraedd yr Almaen dros yr haf, un tîm ac un nod fydd yn denu sylw John Toshack.

Mae’r gêmau rhagbrofol nesaf ar y gorwel.

r hydref 11 roedd T Llew Jones yn dathlu ei ben blwydd yn 90.

Anfonodd dros 6,000 eu cyfarchion at yr awdur sydd wedi ysgrifennu dros 50 llyfr, y mwyafrif yn lyfrau plant. Mae rhai o’r straeon bellach wedi eu chyfieithu i’r Saesneg, ac eraill megis ‘Tân Ar Y Comin’ wedi’u haddasu i’r sgrîn deledu.

Yn ogystal ag ysgrifennu nofelau, mae T Llew Jones yn fardd telynegol yn y mesur rhydd a bu’n athro a phrifathro yn Sir Aberteifi am 35 mlynedd.

Mae wedi ennill sawl gwobr arbennig am ei waith, sy’n cynnwys Cadair yr Eisteddfod yn 1958 a 1959, Gwobr Tir na Nog yn 1976, a Tlws Mary Vaughan Jones yn 1991.

Er gwaethaf ei gyfraniad enfawr i lenyddiaeth Gymraeg, mae’n dweud ei fod bellach yn pryderu am ddyfodol llyfrau Cymraeg i blant. Ar drothwy ei benblwydd, dywedodd ei fod yn poeni fod plant yn colli’r awydd i ddarllen yn gyfan gwbl, ac nad oedd yn hapus fod cymaint o lyfrau plant heddiw wedi cael eu chyfieithu o’r Saesneg.

‘Yr hyn dwi'n annifyr yn ei gylch ar hyn o bryd yw bod cymaint o gyfieithiadau sy'n cael eu derbyn gan y gweisg,’ meddai, ‘Liciwn i pe byddai'r awduron hynny'n codi o ddaear Cymru.’

Media

Page 14

October 24 2005

media@gairrhydd.co.uk

The BBC and YOU

In the face of digital switchover, Media looks at the role of the Beeb today, the commotion over the license fee and the Corporation’s relocation

By Josie Buning Media Correspondent

News 24, ITV 2 and More4.

T

he role of the BBC has been under scrutiny recently following the corporations proposed increase in licence fee, and relocation of some departments from London to Manchester.

The Secretary for the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, Tessa Jowell gave a speech a month ago to the Royal Television Society in full support of the public service broadcasters.

Outlining the plans ‘for digital switchover’ by 2012, she said “the BBC will remain the bedrock – at the heart of public service broadcasting”.

The BBC, created in 1922, is funded by public money and intended to broadcast on behalf of the British people. It developed quickly and by 1925 reached 25% of the population. By 1938 there were nine million, mainly middle class, licence fee payers.

Television broadcasting began in 1936. It was curtailed during the war but took off in the 1950s. BBC Two emerged in 1964, and in 1967 Radio One and local radio stations were created as a response to the growth of pirate radio and demand for pop music.

The main principles of public service broadcasting are that the airwaves belong to the public so must be used in the public interest; commercial messages should not interfere with broadcaster’s integrity; and broadcasting is central to the cultural and democratic functioning of a country. Guided by these principles, the BBC was set up as a public company to broadcast for the people. Commercial broadcasters in the UK also broadcast within public service principles.

Keeping in check?

The Department for Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) are in charge of setting the framework for public service broadcasting, ensuring it allows fair competition, quality broadcasting from a range of sources and protects freedom of expression. It is also responsible for setting the licence fee.

The DCMS imposes the BBC’s Royal Charter which every 10 years reviews and establishes the corporation’s objectives. Annually, the BBC brings a report out in summer, which this year has been heavily centred around digital switchover.

The report also looks at the BBC regions. BBC Wales has seen a drop in both its TV and radio figures. Wales Today noted a four per cent drop and the reach of Radio Wales fell two per cent. However, praise has been given for producing programmes for the network such as Doctor Who. Despite the drop in Wales Today’s ratings, the figures are still above the regional ITV Wales news.

The great fee debate The licence fee, which is paid by everyone who uses a TV or a device to

But why digital?

Guardian Unlimited explains: “Digital TV takes up less room on the airways than analogue, so switching off the old signals will free up broadcast frequencies for other uses, ranging from offering more digital channels to accommodating new technologies like high-definition television and TV delivered to mobile phones.”

A support scheme has been set up so nobody is left behind. Help with equipment and installation will be provided for over-75s and people with significant disabilities. This means providing necessary equipment to convert one TV set and support for installation and using equipment.

THE BRITISH BROADCASTING CORPORATION: Confusion centre record or receive TV programmes, allows the BBC to broadcast a range of public services for everyone. It means it does not need adverts and remains independent of advertisers. For a colour television, it costs £126.50 a year, while the price is £42 for a black and white TV. Profits from BBC commercial activities are intended to keep the licence fee cost down. The BBC World Service is funded by a government grant.

For students, money can be claimed back from any unused quarter of the licence fee. So, if you are away over the summer you can get money back for those three months. In halls of residence a licence is still needed if you watch TV in your room. But students in a house with a joint tenancy agreement only need one licence.

Without a licence you can be prosectuted and fined £1,000. The best excuses for not having one are featured at www.tvlicensing.co.uk, including ‘I don’t live here’.

It has been proposed the licence fee should increase. Critics say that with digital TV being the norm in the future it will be possible to charge viewers for exactly what they watch. With a settop box those who do not pay would be denied access to BBC services, so if you don’t want to watch it you don’t have to pay for it. With so many channels now available, is it right we are forced to pay for something we may not even want to watch?

For some, an increase in the licence fee is justified because the BBC is a strong national broadcaster. The 1.8% increase the BBC wants is only about half the rate of increase of media revenues in general. Without the BBC it is argued the UK’s broadcast culture will change; public values and common experiences will weaken. More money will ensure the BBC keeps producing quality programming as we enter a multi-channel era.

It has been decided the licence fee is the best way to fund the BBC for the next 10 years. The way it is collected and how to make it fairer for those least able to pay will be examined.

There will also be a review of the licence fee before the end of the next Charter period to see if it should continue after 2016, when the Charter expires and by which time the digital switchover will have taken place.

Digital switchover…

The government has now laid out plans that will see all households in the UK switch from analogue to digital by 2012. Changes will occur by ITV regions, starting in 2008 with the Border region. HTV Wales will move to digital in the second half of 2009.

The switchover will be completed in 2012 with the Meridian, Carlton/LWT, Tyne Tees and Ulster regions. The

Relocation, relocation DCMS is working with consumer and industry groups to achieve the switchover.

Digital TV already reaches 63% of UK homes, with two million switching in the last year. The switchover means turning off analogue television broadcasting to digital format. Digital TV can be accessed through a satellite, cable or aerial, or through a telephone line (broadband). The switchover also involves ensuring consumers have the correct equipment to receive digital television.

Following the change, viewers will have the same services with added digital channels from public service broadcasters, including BBC3, BBC

The BBC is planning to relocate its sport and children’s departments to Manchester. It is estimated that media and creative industries in the region would be boosted by £225 million of production spent a year.

The Northwest Regional Development Agency (NRDA) has offered £50 million to help the BBC with the move north. About 1,800 staff would move to Manchester, increasing employees outside London to 50% from 42%.

This move is one of a number of changes taking place, including a 15% cut in program budgets and thousands of job cuts. Further information regarding the switchover can be found at: www.culture.gov.uk.

October 24 2005

Science & Environment

Page 15

science@gairrhydd.com

Avian flu special Because birds haven’t been this frightening since Hitchcock

By Mark Norman

Park, segments of the virus were retrieved from bodies of victims and combined to produce a viable virus.

The re-created disease was responsible for the 1918 outbreak which is one of the most cataclysmic pandemics ever.

It killed 24 million people (poor recording and war propaganda make exact numbers difficult) in six months; more than WW1 did in four years.

It has an amazing virulence, according to one source affecting 28% of Americans and killing 2.5% of those

Science Reporter

I

F BIRD FLU spreads anything like the media hysteria about it, then we’re doomed. Since 2003 the stories have ranged from dead chickens in Vietnam, estimations of how many people in Britain will die when bird flu hits this country.

Should we be so scared? Currently, the virus is not capable of readily infecting humans. The only known cases have been in South East Asia where humans live in close confinement with birds, making the chance of transmission much more likely than in Britain, where most chickens are kept in huge farms with only a few workers.

As long as the virus stays in its current state, then all is fine and we can go back to worrying about STIs. With increased human exposure to the disease however, there is a greater chance of the avian flu virus interacting with a human flu virus and the feared gene-swapping love fest happening.

This would create a combination of the standard human flu virus, which is highly contagious, with the deadliness of the avian strain (60 out of the 117 suspected infections have died).

These are figures unheard of in a short-term illness (as a point of comparison, the last apocalyptic super-bug, SARS, killed ten percent of those infected).

It is worth noting that these deaths occurred in rural areas with poor healthcare, so this may not be a true indication of what we can expect were this to happen in the West.

We should go back to worrying about STI’s

“If it says quack, shoot it” Until the virus mutates into the human variant, there is no way of knowing how potent it will be, and what the threat is.

Essentially, nothing can be done until the mutant human-bird flu variant is created. Only then will a vaccine be possible, as any vaccine made before then (like the usual flu jab given to the elderly) will be ineffective.

Bird flu is unlike human versions of

the virus and as a consequence we have no defences against it (akin to a lager drinker (human flu) switching to red wine (bird flu) and getting drunk easily).

So all there is to do now is stock up on Tamiflu (the most effective flu remedy, the government has ordered 14.6 million doses) and try to prevent bird flu spreading to Britain.

Once again the lack of knowledge is

Can you guess what it is yet?

By Ben Marson

Science Reporter

I

T SEEMS FUNNY that after all this talk about global warming, nuclear wars and terrorism that the biggest threat to mankind comes from the lowly duck.

For these ducks are not all cute and fluffy, they are the main carriers and transporters of the much-feared H5N1 virus, better known as avian flu.

It is not even the first time that humans have been at risk from animal diseases, or zoonosis. Smallpox’s gentler cousin cowpox was frequently transmitted to milkmaids.

HIV is believed to have originated in monkey populations. Around 40 million people lost their lives to a virus very similar to H5N1 during the Spanish flu outbreak in 1918 due to H1N1.

H7N7 has made an appearance, resulting in 80 ill and one dead in the Netherlands two years ago.

Even H5N1 has infected people before now, killing one-third of the 18 people that caught it in Hong Kong in 1997.

So far the total human death toll from H5N1 stands at around 60 in the past nine years. In the same time scale

270,000 to 360,000 people will have died from normal, human influenza in the states alone. So what is all the fuss about?

It is not the risk caused by the virus that is currently ravaging global bird populations that worries scientists.

Every time a virus undergoes replication there is a relatively high risk of its RNA mutating (humans utilise the more stable DNA).

This RNA provides the code for the N (neuraminidase) and H (hemaglutinin) proteins that give the virus its

So far the human death toll is 60 in 9 years

name and determines what species it can infect.

If these proteins mutate by two amino acids then the virus will be able to target humans; it is predicted that 2,000,000 to 50,000,000 people will die. Furthermore, these people are not necessary the old or the weak. When the Spanish flu struck the average age of those who died was 30.

H5N1 carries further fears with regards to its potency. It is predicted to have an overall mortality of 50%, compared to the two percent mortality achieved by Spanish flu.

89% of those under 15 who catch the disease usually die from a progressive respiratory failure. It can exist for up to 17 days in the environment, with a potential for water supplies to become contaminated.

Currently, the UK is developing its stocks of anti-virus drugs, with a promise to have a stockpile of five million Tamiflu by next year.

This virus however, is already resistant to two main antivirals and other avian viruses have become resistant to Tamiflu in the past leaving us with only inhaled Zanamivr to fall back on.

All is not lost however, this virus has existed for over nine years, and is still yet to make the progression to humans.

In fact, up to 38% of people have already had one bout of bird flu and produced antibodies against the avian viruses without even realising it.

We may be lucky and avoid this influenza pandemic, but there is one coming. Beware the ducks.

a problem. The most likely way for bird flu to spread is for someone to unknowingly have it and jump on a plane.

Vital to this concept is how long the virus can be present in a person before they feel unwell and this is unknown.

All this unkown makes the re-creation of the Spanish flu very timely indeed. Using techniques similar to those fancifully suggested in Jurassic

infected. Oddly, it was particularly deadly in people aged 20-40, as opposed to the normal flu which is at its most severe in the elderly (who have poorer immune systems).

This blast from the past gives a worrying idea of what a flu pandemic could do.

There is however, very little threat present and the media will exhaust itself of headline stories in the next few weeks.

The next major headline may well be the one no-one wants to hear, but when?

gair rhydd isn’t just for Journalism students!

If you’ve got an interest in any area of science and want to contribute, email Science on: science@gairrhydd.com.

SCIENCE IN BRIEF FEELING THE WARMTH AN ALARMING rise in temperature in the Southern Ocean threatens seals, whales and penguins as well as Krill, which play a crucial role in the food chain.

The ocean west of the Antarctic Peninsula has warmed by more than a degree since the 1960s - contradicting the results of computer models.

Sea animals in the region are highly sensitive to changes in temperature, and UK scientists predict whole populations and species could disappear from the region as a result of further warming.

In a journal, scientists from the British Antarctic Survey wrote: “Marine species in this region have extreme sensitivities to their environment.”

CHINA IN SPACE CHINA HAS set out its plans for further space missions, hours after its second manned spaceflight ended successfully.

An official said the next mission would take place in 2007 and would

include a space walk. He also said a female astronaut maybe onboard.

The Shenzou VI spacecraft arrived safely back on Earth late on Sunday, after five days in orbit.

The two astronauts touched down in Inner Mongolia and were then flown to Beijing to face a rapturous reception. China is only the third country to successfully put a man into space, after Russia and the US.

STORM RECORD A NEW TROPICAL storm has formed in the Caribbean, equalling a 70 year-old record for the highest number of storms in the Atlantic in a single season.

Tropical storm Wilma is expected to become a hurricane before heading to the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico and the US Gulf Coast by the end of the week.

These areas are still recovering from the mass devastation caused by both hurricanes Katrina and Stan which hit earlier on this year.

Wilma is the 21st named storm of the 2005 season. The only other time, this number of storms formed (154 years ago) was last century in 1933.

Health

Page 16

October 24 2005

health@gairrhydd.com

In a world where cancer is affecting more and more of us every day, Health investigates the best way of...

KEEPING A-BREAST OF THINGS

By Vanessa Roche Health Editor

T

his month, National Breast Cancer Awareness Month (NBCAM) is twenty-years old.

Over the last two decades NBCAM has been educating women of the dangers of breast cancer and advising them of how to check for the symptoms. Unfortunately, this year approximately 12,700 women in the UK will die of breast cancer and roughly one in nine women will be diagnosed with it in their lifetime.

The term ‘breast cancer’ refers to a family of cancers that develop in the

breast tissue. The most common types of breast cancer develop in the glandular tissue and the ducts. Cancer occurs when cells in the body, which usually reproduce by dividing in a regular pattern in order to repair dead or damaged cells, grow uncontrollably and cause a swelling, or tumour.

Most tumours develop within a limited area and are benign – this means that if they are detected and removed they should not cause further problems. However, some tumours spread through the body and can cause very serious problems if left untreated. This spread is called metastasis, or secondary cancer.

Unfortunately, if breast cancer

reaches another part of the body, a full recovery is no longer possible.

However, there are treatments to control secondary cancers caused by this metastasis in the long term.

There are things that you can do to lower your risk of getting breast cancer. Some factors, like getting older, cannot be helped. However, you can choose to reduce the amount of alcohol that you drink, avoid smoking, eat a healthy balanced diet that is rich in fruit and vegetables and low in animal fats and do regular exercise.

You could also choose not to take the contraceptive pill as studies have indicated that there may be a slightly increased risk of breast cancer in those

CHEMOTHERAPY COMBATING CANCER

By Beatrice Baiden Health Correspondent

C

ancer. We don't like to talk about it - we like to think that it will never affect us. However, the time has come to face it head on.

Every day, we see more and more articles and reports in the media about this deadly disease. Cancer has now become part of the public consciousness, and for a very good reason. One in three of us will suffer from cancer in our lives and we can no longer ignore it.

The treatments that are offered are very varied and complex and the average person knows very little about them. However, below is a rough guide as to the basic treatments that you would expect to receive.

Chemotherapy, the most wellknown cancer treatment, can be either a single drug or a combination administered to a patient. It destroys non-localised cancer cells (ie. those that have moved away from the original tumour) distributed throughout the body.

Chemotherapy can also minimise a growth prior to surgery, or lower the chances of a growth returning after the operation to remove the tumour.

It can cause the patient to suffer hair thinning, as well as diarrhoea, extreme lows, and prolonged lethargy. A lowered white blood cell count, which is caused by cancer invading the body means that sufferers are vulnerable to a variety of infections as their immune system is weakened. You don't need a doctor to tell you that this is bad news, so it is best to try and treat cancer as early as possible.

Radiotherapy can be used in conjunction with chemotherapy; it is rarely used as a cure in itself. It is an x-ray focused upon the afflicted site, used to clear away any cancer cells still within the body after surgery. In terminal cases, it may be used to relieve a patient’s pain.

For more detailed information see www.cancerhelp.org.uk, www.cancerbacup.org.uk or phone Cancer BACUP on 0808 8001234

women that take it. This is because the oestrogen in it may encourage cancerous cells in the breast to grow.

Unfortunately, only two per cent of the national spend on breast cancer goes on prevention research.

Therefore, it is so important that each woman checks her own breasts on a

regular basis and to go and see her General Practitioner (GP) if she detects something, no matter how small.If cancerous cells are removed early enough then a full recovery is expected Remember: check your breasts regularly. It really could save your life.

HOW TO CHECK YOUR BREASTS

THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE

By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor

A

LTHOUGH SOME women may feel that they are too young to start checking their breasts, it’s important to check them throughout your adult life so that you can understand what is normal for you.

Although nine out of ten breast lumps turn out to be non-cancerous, being breast-aware and detecting a change early means that any treatment you may need will be more successful.

Many women find that having one breast bigger than the other, inverted nipples, extra breast tissue or nipples, lumpiness, tenderness or pain are perfectly normal for them as breasts are easily affected by a woman’s menstrual cycle, age, pregnancy or even taking the contraceptive pill.

Get into the habit of looking at and feeling your breasts regularly. It’s important that you are aware of what is normal, so that you can identify any unusual changes such as: ! A change in size or shape ! Dimpling of the skin (skin looks like the texture of orange peel) ! Change in the position of the nipple, e.g. newly inverted nipple ! Any discharge from the nipple (unless you are breastfeeding) ! A rash or crusting on the nipple or surrounding area

! Swelling or a lump in the breast or armpit ! Veins which stand out more than usual ! Any changes in sensation, especially if in one breast only ! Constant pain in part of the breast or armpit.

There is no set way to check your breasts, but the following technique will give you a thorough idea of any changes: ! Start by standing in front of a mirror. Look at your breasts with your arms at your side, with your arms raised behind your head, with your hands on your hips and your chest muscles flexed. ! Lie down with a pillow under your left shoulder. Put your left hand behind your head and feel your left breast with the three middle fingers on your right hand. Start at the outer edge and work around your breast in circles, getting closer to your nipple with each circle. After you've finished this, squeeze your nipple gently and look for discharge from the nipple itself ! Do the same thing to your right breast with a pillow under your right shoulder. ! Be sure to include the area up to your collarbone and out to your armpit as you have lymph nodes in this area. ! Repeat this process frequently.

BREAST CANCER CARE HELPLINE:

MON-FRI: 9AM-5PM SAT 9AM-2PM

0808 800 6000

CHECK: Take good care of yourself

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T DROP THE BALL(S) Adrian Raudaschl reveals why having quick grope of your nether regions could save your life

By Adrian Raudaschl Health Correspondent

W

HENEVER THE words "prostate" and "cancer" are raised, it’s enough to make your average bloke head for the sports page.

When it comes to health, us chaps are notoriously bad at seeking help.

Outdated attitudes such as ‘men don’t get ill’ or ‘pull yourself together’ work against us, and lead us to the false belief that if you ignore something, it will go away.

Testicular and prostate cancers are becoming increasingly serious prob-

lems in the UK – testicular cancer affects men mostly between the ages of 19 and 35, and 25,000 men are diagnosed yearly with prostate cancer. 10,000 of these will be fatal cases.

We do not actually know why testicular and prostate cancers develop, but if you have a family history of the disease you are ten times more likely to develop it. Testicular cancer is easily treated if caught early on.

Symptoms to watch out for include a lump in either testicle, enlargement of the testicles, or a dull pain in the abdomen or groin.

Ideally you should check yourself every month. Get used to how your

testicles feel normally – this is best done after a bath or shower when your scrotum is relaxed. Hold your scrotum in the palm of the hands, and use your fingers and thumbs to examine the shape, size and consistency of the testes. It is something we

“Check your manly apples (or boyish grapes)” do unconsciously a lot, but it is really important to concentrate this time.

If you do not think that you can hold

back an erection, ask your partner to do it for you. Many cases are diagnosed by women checking their men out.

If something does not feel right, or if you are worried and just want some reassurance, then get your doctor to check it out.

Prevention of these cancers is significantly easier than the treatment.

Try to get at least five portions of fruit and vegetables into your daily diet, especially plenty of tomatoes, and cut down on the fatty food and alcohol. Not only could you be saving your manly apples (or boyish grapes), I’m sure your waistline would benefit too.

Page 18

Free Stuff

October 24 2005

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

EVERYONE’S GOING DOTTY COOL THING

BECAUSE I’M clever, amazing and all things wonderful, I’ve managed to get my hands on yet another gorgeous exclusive for you kids this week - and it’s staring right at you.

Yes, courtesy of Dot, the new mobile phone service just for students, you could win this classy Samsung handset plus a year’s free subscription to the Dot service.

The latest Samsung X640 is an ultra lightweight phone equipped with a full colour screen and 4x zoom VGA camera. Along with its cool flip design, it also boasts 40 note polyphonic ringtone technology plus a tri-band facility that will enable you to take it anywhere in the world, be it Cardiff or Cancun.

But, awesome handsets aren’t the only thing Dot has to offer us students. Having just launched, the service prides itself on its fantastic value for money and amazing transparent pricing structure designed specifically with penny-savers in mind.

Unlike any other mobile package on the market at the moment, Dot doesn’t dish out discrete numbers of text and picture messages or minutes of calling time. Instead, it works in bundles of ‘units’, meaning that you can choose to have as much free stuff as you want and take it all out of the same pot. Working with units instead of a fixed price plan means you

never have to choose between different bundles of texts and minutes upfront. Because you never know when you’re going to have to call Aunty Marge on a Sunday night for a three-hour conversation (for example).

In offering a versatile package to its customers that means they never have to decide on anything specific, it’s no wonder Dot is perfect for students. What’s more, standard calls are charged at the same low rate, whatever the network. You can also set up text alerts with Dot to remind you when you’re running out of units and, if you find you haven’t used up all your units, you can carry them over to the next month.

Monthly bundles start at £20, but if you join the service before Christmas Dot will pay half your bundle for three months. So, that’s only £10 a month for exactly what you want - and if you can get your parents to pay the other half you’re really laughing!

With the service running from the Vodafone network, Dot customers are guaranteed brilliant coverage and can get their handsets for as little as nothing.

SPICE QUARTER: AUTHENTICITY AT ITS FINEST

I

F YOU love a good curry, get down to Spice Quarter, the latest restaurant to open in Cardiff’s fashionable Brewery Quarter. Since opening its doors just a few short months ago, Spice Quarter has fast made its reputation for being the only ‘true’ authentic Indian restaurant in the city, combining plush, contemporary surroundings with traditional, honestly cooked food.

By recruiting specialist chefs from top five star hotels in Delhi, Spice Quarter has redirected authentic cooking styles and tastes that are rarely found outside of India into a vibrant but beautifully intimate interior in our fair city.

The restaurant’s expert formula of merging the modern with the traditional as well as taste with space has even granted Spice Quarter a nomination for ‘Best Indian Restaurant of the Year’ by the South Wales Echo.

In addition to your old favourites on the Indian menu that have been reworked for optimum taste and freshness, Spice Quarter also boasts original, speciality dishes that bear the signature taste of the master chefs.

Here, food is always perceived as a pleasure rather than a necessity (unlike baked beans on toast), and dining is an indulgent but inexpensive experience fit for a king.

If you’re searching for some top-quality spice in your life, why not enter my competition to win a gorgeous two-course meal for two at Spice Quarter, a perfect place to treat your lady (cue my boyfriend).

To be in with a chance of winning, simply email me your contact details and the answer to the following question:

S ABOUT DO

T:

! You choose a number of ‘units’ to cove texts, calls, and pictures r . Ev simple becaus e it comes ou er ything’s t of the sam e pot. ! Call charge s are standa rd all the time and ! You can ch to all networks. ange your bu ndle wheneve r you want. ! Dot sends you a text al er t so you don’ bust t ! You can ca your free units. rr y unused un its over to th e ! Existing cu next bundle. stomers are w el new units th come to any at ! You can ch get added to a package. oose your ha ndset, and pa as little as no y thing for it.

To sign up to the Dot service speak to the Dot sales team on campus or go straight to the website www.dotmobile.co.uk and join today.

Or, if you’d like to win the Samsung X640 plus 12 months worth of free subscription to Dot, simply email the usual address with your details and the answer to the following question: Who is Dot perfect for?

A) You B) Your Nan C) Jim Branning

SPICE QUARTER OFFER

2 Courses for £10.00!

If you’re feeling like a loser because you haven’t won my marvellous Spice Quarter competition, have no fear: you can still add some spice to your life with this special voucher that I’ve very lovingly created.

Simply contact Spice Quarter in advance on 029 2022 0075 or book online at www.spicequarter.co.uk to make your reservation, then present your voucher to receive this exclusive grab! offer.

Offer ends 17 November 2005

In which trendy area of Cardiff is Spice Quarter located?

A FREE PHONE AND YEAR’S SUBSCRIPTION TO DOT PLUS CURRY FOR ALL!

WELL, WELL, WELL, you wouldn’t believe my efforts this week! Not only have I got a mobile phone for one very lucky person to win, but the same blessed person will also get a year’s free subscription to Dot! There’s also an ultra cheap ruby murray at Spice Quarter for everyone who bothers to read my page (see, it is worth it!) plus the chance to get two courses for free if you enter my marvellous competition.

If you’re interested in helping Barnardo’s and winning a day’s work at your dream job, then check out the article opposite - all you have to do is log onto www.dreamjobs.org.uk and you could work for your favourite mag or footie team!

Apologies for the dudes at the top of the page but you had fit ones last week! Does anyone else think Chico is a loser? If you agree with me, send me an email and you could win the selection of reject prizes on my desk. xx

FA N C Y WO R K I N G f o r MTV’s TRL, lad’s mag Maxim or at Liverpool FC for a day?

If any of these opportunities sound good to you, log onto www.dreamjobs.org.uk and enter to win a day’s work experience at your dream job. £1 from every entry will be donated to leading children’s charity, Barnardo’s; entries by 28 Oct.

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Problem Page

October 24 2005

Page 19

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: pooches, poaching, pans and podgies.

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners!

I am sorry to say that I am beginning to become disappointed with you, my lovely readers. You don’t seem to want my advice anymore, which is strange as I know that the things I have said in the past have definitely helped those who have written to me. For example, Schuh Clarkes who had the problem of having to wank into shoes has just bought a fabulous new pair and seems to be enjoying himself immensely - he even sent me an email to thank me for the advice I provided. The boy obsessed with Christiano Ronaldo, Phil, has just bought a new Man U DVD to watch whilst being fellated and is very smug. So if you need help, please do get in touch.

Lots of love, Amber, here for YOU. Xxx

No eggscuse!

Dear Amber, NOW, I DON’T want you to make a joke out of my problem, because it is really, really, really nothing to make a yolk about.

It all started years ago when I was very small on this one day in April.

My mum made me scrambled eggs, like she always did on Saturday mornings. I liked mine with brown sauce but my mum is a bit of a ‘tard and she’d forgotten to buy some more. So I decided to have my eggs with just toast and not moan too much in case my mum went off on one and got me with her slipper, like she always did went she went off on one, though she never did it to my sister. Well that’s favouritism for you now, isn’t it, Amber, so yeah I had my eggs and toast and no brown sauce and thought

Puppy Lov e!

Dear Amber, MY FAMILY HAVE owned a St. Bernard dog called Bonzo for years, but we never had him neutered so he does get quite frisky, and has repeatedly tried humping my leg over the years.

Normally a hit on the nose would stop him, but he was always pretty persistent.

I have been away from home for a year now and have not seen much of Bonzo, so when I returned home last weekend he went into a joyous frenzy. Unfortunately he has not forgotten his past love affair with my leg and I spent the first morning at home continuously fighting him off. This is quite hard as he is a very big dog and I am quite a small guy. The really awful thing happened that evening. As I was getting out of the shower Bonzo had barged his way into the bathroom and once again began his amorous advances towards my leg. Whilst trying to fight him off and keep my towel round me I ended up tripping over, dropping the towel and landing on all fours in front of poor confused Bonzo. Before I knew what was happening he had pounced on me and pinned me down with his great weight. I was helpless!

Unfortunately, my two sisters were drawn in by the noise, and they walked into the bathroom catching me in this somewhat compromising position. They immediately ran

to tell my parents, leaving me still trapped beneath my panting pooch who had begun to howl with pleasure. My parents now think I have been doing this for years and this is why Bonzo always liked me so much. As a result they have cut me off financially and told me to never darken their door again.

Furthermore I am facing charges of animal abuse by the RSPCA. Help me, Amber, what should I do?

Yours, Doggy Style, Roath.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Doggy, I hope that this advice helps you.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

I could handle it.

So there I was, Amber, eating my eggs and toast and thinking, yeah actually this is OK, I suppose I could do without brown sauce in the future, and given that my mum always called brown sauce ‘the devil’s anal gravy’ I thought maybe I shouldn’t be eating it anyway. So I was munching away, kicking my sister under the table and all that, and she was giving me the big eye like she was gonna cry and my mum was gonna bring the slipper out, when suddenly it happened.

Wok it to me!

Dear Amber,

I KNOW THIS IS GOING to sound really crap but I’ve got myself all hot and bothered about a problem that seems on the surface to be small fry.

I moved into my new house in September, and the house itself is fine (imagine that – in Cardiff!). My housemates and I have been friends since the first year, but this is the first time we’ve all lived together. I didn’t imagine that it would be a recipe for disaster but somehow I feel like I’ve

Fat Fuck!

Dearest Amber, I AM REALLY FAT, really unattractive and I can’t get a boyfriend no matter what I do. I even offered anal to this bloke that I met in Creation but he was having none of it. I’m 20, weigh fifty-five stone and no matter what shampoo I use, my hair is constantly greasy.

Please help me, Amber, you’re my idol. When I look in the mirror I want to see that picture of you on your masthead thingy looking back at me.

Yours, Jabba, Cathays.

I looked down at my fork and saw something in the pale yellow of the fluffy egg. What’s that, I thought, and used my finger to poke it a bit. It was kind of hard and a bit red. And then I suddenly realised – it was a halfformed chick.

Now, please remember that this was in the days before organic shit and all that, so the last thing I expected was a dead chick in my eggs. Maybe a piece of machinery, or something, but nothing, you know, natural. So I had an eppy and my mum went wild and my

sister cried and my mum decided that the only way to prove her point was to make me eat the eggs, chick and all.

She had the slipper and everything, so I had to, Amber.

Ever since that awful day I have not been able to eat eggs. However, I really fancy a full fry-up. Please help me.

Love, I N Shell, Cartwright Court.

AMBER SAYS: Dear I N,

accidentally cooked up a real problem between us.

It all started when we moved in and started sorting out our kitchen stuff. I am quite a kitchen whiz but for some reason I don’t own a wok. I don’t know why, it must just be one of those things. Anyway, I noticed that none of my other housemates had a wok either, so I suggested we buy a ‘house wok’ – no, not one shaped like a house, but a normal wok for us all to share (aren’t I a wit?) Anyway, I soon realised that I had opened a can of stir-fry sauce with this suggestion, as all my other housemates got very stirred up and said they wouldn’t pay for something they wouldn’t use.

This got me into a real stew as I know that if I buy a wok they will use it when I’m not looking, or when I’m out or something. They’re cunning,

that lot. I should have known not to live with all girls. Anyway, now I can’t decide whether to buy a wok or not and run the risk of furtive wok using by the others, or to not buy one and not be able to have real stir-fry for a year.

I’m really in a pickle, Amber – what shall I do?

AMBER SAYS:

someone. Even in this office alone you’ve managed to get seven votes from people who’d probably do you if a) drunk, b) bored or c) believe the myth that fat girls will do absolutely everything.

Although it doesn’t sound like a myth given that you were touting your arsehole to some scally.

Anyway, I don’t think I’ve really made my point clear. What I mean to say is that you’ll be able to find someone somewhere, even with dirty hair and a big fat bingo wings (that sounds like you to me).

And don’t waste your time dreaming - you’ll never be as fabulous as I am.

Dear Jabba, Well, I do understand your plight.

Sometimes I look at my picture on the masthead and think ‘why can’t I look like that?’ Then I realise that it’s a picture of me and that I am indeed very fine.

I suppose you could say it’s all a matter of perception but that’s not what I reckon. I think it’s because I had a really vile STI once and my memory has now gone awful, and that.

But I wouldn’t worry too much that you’re fat and ugly (and a slag, if what you say about that guy in Creation is true). We all have problems, and stuff.

I’m sure that however ugly and fat you are, you’ll be able to find

Yours, Tight wad, Roath.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Tight Wad, You sound like a tit so I’d advise you to wok off.

I hope this helps.

Love from Amber xxx

I really hope that this helps.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

Horoscopes

Page 20

Page 21

CRYSTAL’S TERRESTRIAL FORM: CHRISTINA LANE DESIGN: WILL DEAN

crystalballs@gairrhydd.com

You will be approached to join a ‘street gang’ of Barry island origin. Feel honoured and accept on the condition that they rechristen you Sweat Cop. They will take you to their ‘street lair’ and encourage you to join in illegal sex rites. Ask yourself how a sweat cop should feel about this.

LOVE: You will either witness or indulge in illegal sex rites of a naughty nature. You will touch the love bits of a person in a feathered mask.

Dec 22 - Jan 20

AQUARIUS On Tuesday you will receive notification that you are a competition winner, and Jan 21 - Feb 19 that in order to claim you must ring Daniel O’Donnell. DO NOT TRUST THAT MAN AND HIS COMPETITIONS. Repeat to yourself "he is a bad man, who deserves bad things". Instead make things out of bin bags for you and your friends and wear them gaily. Be wary of suffocation on Wednesday.

LOVE: You are at risk of insemination either from a mortal or deity; so watch your womb.

CAPRICORN

Be wary of purple bins bearing wheels and men named Dorothy this week. The former may contain a foetus, the latter will do bad things to your toothbrush. If you accidently eat an apple pip a tree will not grow in your stomach. You will realise this week that money is good.

LOVE: The stars are urging you to be experimental. If you’re single try something radical, like a new duvet cover.

If you’re in a relationship consider sex with other people, or alternatively a new duvet cover.

Feb 20 - Mar 20

ARIES

PISCES

Wonderful, things will happen to you this week and every week to come in your rich, endless and fulMar 21 - Apr 20 filled life. You were blessed by your birth date and the stars have a bit of a soft spot for us. Bask in their love always.

If anyone objects to your fortune turn a blind eye, content in the knowledge that Mars will strike them down for their petulance.

LOVE: All people will love you always. Choose who you’d most like to be loved by and let them love you for as long as you are kept amused and then give some one else the honour of loving you.

with Crystal Pants You will be approached by a beautiful stranger. If they ask for your number tell them that it is ‘2’ and wait for the pigeon to fall and the dice to roll. LOVE: A beautiful person you met recently will be involved in a tragic accident, rendering them unable to call you. You will wait by your phone chanting "beautiful strangers who don’t call deserve accidents" and then carry on in the pursuit of love, blissfully unaware that the greatest love you’ll never know is dead/paralysed/very sad.

Jun 23 - July 23

LEO

CANCER

If you wear gloves this week you will die. You will enter a room full of humming people on July 24 - Aug 23 Thursday. Find your pitch and join them. You will unwittingly create the loudest man-made dial tone; forever to be repeated into the ear of every non phone user when they don’t make a call.

LOVE: The stars will unite and forge all their sparky power in to one love shaped ball, which they will leave in a public toilet for you on Friday. Learn to love it or the stars will metaphorically poop on you. Remember you can love ducks without loving ducks.

It seems to me you’ve lived your life like a candle in the wind. You’ve been blown…and blown…and blown. But, you’re still standing, better than you’ve ever been with the circle of life spinning its merry way around you.

Why not wear pink?

LOVE: This week you will hit your gay lover across the face for bringing you water that hasn’t be chilled to your liking. He will beg for forgiveness, you will grant it and continue your reign as musical queen.

Aug 24 - Sep 23

LIBRA

VIRGO

Seemingly harmless party games will turn to tears when a close friend of yours, who you've Sep 24 - Oct 23 always been attracted to, gets locked in a suitcase. The lock will break and they will be your hand luggage. When you explain the situation to people in the future people will tut and mutter “students”. So lay off the punch and have a game of Pictionary instead huh? LOVE: Leave your suitcase and home and meet a fully functioning person you won't have to wheel around. They will have a face resembling a bicycle wheel though…

GEMINI

This week sees you following in your father’s footsteps… and sleeping with your mother. Haha. I jape. No, you will follow his path straight to the Salvation Army. You will live out the rest of your days doing good deeds, abstaining from all things unholy, and trying to get your wife back from the clutches (or should I say crutches) of a one-legged man.

LOVE: You will find new love or else your daughter, at a newly managed bikini shop. Think to yourself ‘aren’t bodies lovely’.

Apr 21 - May 21

TAURUS

Your twin will lose their reflection on Wednesday.

You will be called upon to mimic their movements May 22 - Jun 22 and convince them that you are indeed their reflection.You will lose your reflection on Wednesday, but will be unaware of this because your twin will mimic you and convince you that you that they are indeed your reflection.

LOVE: Until you have learnt to see yourself as you really are how do you expect others to see and love you?

Welcome welcome welcome to the mystical, whimsical, orgasmic world of the cosmos. Every week I will use my star-gazing gift to consult with destiny, and pass on my findings to aid the student populus in their pursuit of love and better living. Often when I walk the streets, in my gold earrings, shawl and crystal ball, people cry 'how can a horoscope apply to me AND a whole twelfth of the population?' I implore those people now to read on and marvel as the stars speak to you all. Don't thank me, merely heed my words. Crystal x

Squeeze a spot on Tuesday and a pussy pound will emerge from your face. Invest it wisely and acne or fortune will follow. Try not to use the word 'resolution' or you'll be entering dodgy territory.

LOVE: You will have an utterly loveless week/winter/life. Take up knitting to while away your misery. Why not knit yourself a sexual companion?

Alternatively change your star sign, face or character and you may (may…) meet someone nice at some point.

Oct 24 - Nov 22

SAGITTARIUS Someone will urinate on your shoe at a house party this Wednesday.

Think to yourself "if I were Nov 23 - Dec 21 a Shoe Person of 1988 cult fame, he would have just destroyed my house/face". Hit their forehead with the palm of your hand. Hopefully in future they will associate that swift blow and resulting pain with the act of urinating on shoes and refrain from doing the aforementioned in the future.

LOVE: You will start to question whether urine is actually such a dirty thing: 'it's so warm and reassuring', you will say.

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This Week’s Mr Blobby amongst the (N)TV Crinkley Bottoms: October 24 - 30 2005

The Noel-den Age of Television Light entertainment messiah reincarnated on C4 quiz show

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CHANNEL 4 GETS QUIZZICAL! Rejoice you merry gentlemen and women. Countdown and Noel Edmonds are set to return to our tiny screens with more mind-bogglers than the wedding of David Gest and Liza Minneli. Des and Noel - brings a tear to the eye don’t it?

A R T I C MONKEYS: Sheffield gobshites being fawned over by everyone from the NME to your Mum. Second single is set to surf into the charts at number one on a wave of hype. A basic equation: Libertines + Streets x ‘thisbandwillchangeyourlife’ = Record Company ££££££££s

Soaps

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Here at TV Desk we are well aware that we have been spelling Sky Mangle’s name incorrectly for the past few weeks. This is in protest at how her character has degenerated from the saucy pseudo-punk idiot alterno-kid goddess, to a bleach-blonde Boyd Boner with even less brains than decent clothing. The deliberate addition of the ‘E’ is in tribute to the former brilliance of her character (I used to carry a picture of her around in my wallet), although if pernickety readers want to compain, I guess our fun is over. Thanks!

The yellow-haired bint takes a back seat this week, as Ramsay Street seems to be dominated by peg-leg Paul and Izzy bickering at each other, and Toady seems to be stropping about Stuart getting married to his ex girlfriend. What a fucking surprise.

WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS DEAL OR NO DEAL - S4C 2.25PM - FRIDAY

Fudge Tunnel 4

DVDS TO RENT/BUY A Family Affair Straight to video is normally a phrase reserved for Shannon Tweed “romps” and Steven Seagal “adventures”, so it’s a rarity to find some quality given the rough end of the DVD stick.

Essentially an over-long-season-primier-cum-forum-forpointless-ideas-that-weren’tgood-enough, the Family Guy Movie: Stewie Griffin - The Untold Story is out on Monday. Making the fatal movie spin-off idea of focusing on the worst character (don’t you dare try and tell me that the stupid baby’s purile world domination crap is funnier than Brian’s droll comination of Frasier Crane and Bernard Black), but it makes fun of Ray Charles’ blindness, so life’s not all bad Elsewhere Batman Begins, as TV Grace will agree (given she fell asleep in the cinema watching it twice) is wank. But it’s got former James singer Tim Booth, playing a scarred psychopath, and the lovely Cillian Murphy can wear a sack and pull silly faces round my house any day of the week.

The only film ever to make my mates try and run up the side of the Co-Op bank in Manchester, Ang Lee’s Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (C4 - Sun 23 8pm) makes its terrestrial debut.

I realise that this Sunday is technically a week before this paper comes out, but we all know gair rhydd drops on Saturdays.

SPORT Grimsby vs Newcastle - Carling Cup - SS2 - Weds- 8pm Spurs’ giant killing fishmongers take on the might of Newcastle United Comedy Club in the second round of the Mickey Mouse Trophy Challenge. They’ll, in the stlye of all true giantkillers, get battered in this round, but at least they can sing. All together now “We only sing when we’re fishing!”

RADIO Andrew Collins (Radio 2 Weekdays, 10.30pm) may be a smug, irritating perennial talking head on cack Ch4 top 50 rundowns, but he has two redeeming features. One is his biography on Billy Bragg, which approximately 0% of you fuckers have ever read, and the other is that he has Jim Bob, formally of pre-britpop indie hitmakers Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine, in session this week (Wednesday).

Anyone who’s as wizened as I am will remember Carter USM slices of genius such as Lenny and Terrence and The Only Living Boy In New Cross, and revel in the fact that this will no doubt include none of the above. Still, he once beat up Philip Schofield at the Lookin! awards, so please give him a go.

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19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 20.00 The World 20.30 Face to Face 21.00 Spivs 22.00 Windrush 01.00 Notting Hill 58 01.50 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 02.50 Spivs 03.50 Close TV Grth, cum chill wiv me+my homies@my crib by t pool”, because it was a text message and that is the way of the world.

This left Ush (as i called him, not through choice but he would cry if i didn’t use affectionate nick names) with 101 more characters to use within the text message (he didn’t have one of those fancy phones where you can run over into another text) he didn’t use these spaces up EVER, so i tried to explain to him that if he just wrote the message out in correct English he would still only have used 80 spaces so really he should just have done that because i was sick of his textual nonsense. We never did see eye to eye on that matter. Sometimes he would put kisses on the end of text messages. That was fine, but sometimes he would try to kiss me in real life and I would have no

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City.

Mike's Best Friend's Boyfriend 8.00 Airline 8.30 Airline 9.00 Hell's Kitchen USA 10.00 Office Monkey 10.30 Coronation Street 11.00 Coronation Street 11.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 0.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 0.30 Spin City 1.00 World Rally Championship 1.50 Champions League Weekly 2.15 Shakedown 3.05 Teleshopping 5.35 Nightscreen.choice but to say “back right up Usher”.

Please note, here i would use his real name to be stern. So eventually me and he stopped hanging out. It was sad because he was a great chef and would sometimes prepare me little pastries. Maybe we should meet up again some time. I could sure do with some pastries.

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Mcfly 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 11:30 Nothing But Mcfly 12:00 Pepsi Max Downloaded: Mcfly 1:00 Popworld: Mcfly Special 2:00 Scrubs 2:30 Scrubs 3:00 Faking It Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 6:30 Scrubs 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 9:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00 Wife Swap: The Aftermath 10:30 Scream 2 Premiere12:50 Porn: A Family Business1:25 Porn: A Family Business1:55 Hollyoaks Let Loose 2:55 Wife Swap: The Aftermath 3:20 The Next Joe Millionaire 4:05 Switched Up! 4:30 Switched Up! 4:50 Faking It Usa If you notice any words missing the letter combination of ‘am’ or ‘pm’ then please don’t despair. It’s because i use the ‘replace’ function to get rid of them at the end of times and then can’t be arsed to fill them in. Come help if you like.

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06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 Funky Valley 06.55 Bird Bath 07.00 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.10 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.00 Peppa Pig 08.10 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.25 Hi-5 09.00 Franny's Feet 09.15 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser Oh my Fucking Christ, I’m on five already.

13.30 Film: "McCloud: Portrait of a Dead Girl" 15.30 Film: "Columbo: Uneasy Lies the Crown" 17.30 five news followed by weather 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 The Gadget Show 20.00 Fifth Gear 21.00 Having a Baby Ruined my Life: Hidden Lives I’ll write some stuff here in ‘primetime’ so the bar just to the left gets stretched a little more.

More space gets taken up that way y’see. Anyways, I should probably go now. I have presents to wrap and birthday cards to finish drawing and cake mixture to spill everywhere. For the record, I’m going for the STORK ‘all in one’ method.

I’d seriously recommend it for cake making, it’s simple and gives great results.

Safe.

22.00 Posh Swap 23.05 Paying for Love in Paradise: Shock Docs 24.05 Peter Benchley's Amazon 24.50 NFL Monday Night American Football 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

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6:10 The Hoobs: Holidays 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:25 Will & Grace 8:50 Will & Grace 9:20 Sky High: T4 Movie Special 9:50 Batman 11:50 Celebrity Life Skills: Self Defence 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction1:30 The Big Circus Wide 3:30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:30 Come Dine With Me 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 The Political Slot 8:00 Dispatches 9:00 Wife Swap In other news, this week the rat situation in my house has carried on pretty steadily. On the weekend we (not really me, but hey) caught a rat using peanut butter as bait.

My house mates and good friends Neil and Alex disposed of it in the customary way ie. putting it in a carrier bag and hitting each other with it.

10:00 Without A Trace 11:00 The Real ityville Horror 12:05 The Fog Wide 1:45 The Man Who Faked His Life 2:45 Tales From The Grave: Mystery Of The Barber Surgeon 3:10 The Syphilis Enigma Hehe, syphillis. My room doesn’t smell as much as i did, I think the dead rat must have finally festered away. I think I may have deluded myself into thinking that some people might read my listings every week and really care about how I am. If you do then thank you, but i really wouldn’t waste my time if I was you. If you’ve just started reading then please don’t worry.

There isn’t much back story. I’m in a happy mood at the moment.

4:05 Dispatches: Young, Angry And Muslim 4:55 Pioneer House 5:55 Close

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Daughters, You're Destroying Our Family 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame 3.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.30 Pocoyo. Who's On the Phone?

3.35 Engie Benjy. Harvest Helpers 3.50 Art Attack Mini Makes 4.00 Tricky TV 4.30 You Say We Play: My Parents Are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald This new “typing what comes into my head” technique is fucking brilliant (sorry about that, but i thought my ‘swear ratio’ was a little down on normal), I’m filling the page up in no time. But i have been here a couple of hours doing other gayo stuff, so please forgive me.

8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Vincent Ooo, I think i shall talk about music a bit now. Last night i ‘acquired’ the new Broken Social Scene album, and it’s really, really good. Even better than You Forgot It In People. So TV Gareth is a happy TV Gareth.

10.30 ITV News 11.00 The Food Show 11.30 The Guest List 0.00 Champions League Weekly 0.25 999 Frontline 0.50 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.50 60 Minute Makeover 2.40 Love 2 Shop 3.30 Redcoats 3.55 Entertainment Now! 4.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

Having a Baby Ruined My Life five 9pm

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7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Legend of the Dragon 8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthday 10:30 Muffin the Mule 10:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox 10:45 Boo! 11:00 My Wife and Kids 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 Meet the Ancestors 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 The Flying Gardener 1:10 FILM: Strategic Air Command 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 The Big Dig 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two It’s my girlfriend’s birthday so I am going to make her a cake. It will be a chocolate sponge with chocolate butter cream icing. I know that as soon as I start baking it some bastard is going to want to make a cheese toasty or something and I’m going to have to wish death upon them until they leave me alone. Then later on i am going to a birthday party for somebody else who i know. What are the chances of that? I know two people(actually thinking about it 4!) who have birthdays this week and yet none who have birthdays next week. It is insane.

7:00 The Battle for Britain's Soul 8:00 Map Man 8:30 University Challenge 9:00 Israel and the Arabs: Elusive Peace 10:00 Grumpy Old Women 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Tales from Europe: Lithuania 11:50 Family Ties: Mother of Pearl 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Robbie Williams: Intensive Care 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Funland 23.30 Little Britain 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.30 Spendaholics 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Honey We're Killing the Kids 03.55 Close In the words of Usher Hey ladies (Yeah) Hey fellas (Yeah!!!!) You know you’re doing good 'cause they’re jealous, it’s TV Gareth here. Usher never said the TV Gareth bit, but he always gave me the impression he would have liked to. In the Summer of 2002 barely a day went by when i didn’t get a text message, or ‘SMS’ as he called them, from him. He’d always be all like “oh, I love you TV Gareth, come chill with me and my homies at my crib by the pool” (I wasn’t even a TV Editor then but Usher could clearly see the potential). Infact that’s not actually true, he would say “O I<3U

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Chucklevision 3:40 Trollz 4:05 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:25 Krypto the Superdog 4:40 The Batman 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Casualty at Holby City 7:30 Inside Out 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Watchdog I don’t think I’ll bother doing any sort of TV listings this week. I am going to write with no regard to what the programs are. Not that I usually do. Instead I’ll tell you about my week (both that come and gone).

Today is Wednesday, I’ve come in early. I think this is when most people do sports or something but instead I format the TV listings and really gay stuff like that. Later on though, things are getting better.

9:00 Waking the Dead 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 They Think It's All Over 11:05 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 11:35 FILM: The Wedding Tackle 1:10am: Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2:00 Sign Zone: Rogue Traders 2:30 Sign Zone: The Queen's Cavalry 3:00 Sign Zone: Holidays at Home 3:30 Joins BBC News 24

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace 08:55 Frasier 09:25 My Eden 09:30 Chancers 10:20 Urban Music Festival: The Young Disciples 10:45 Gcsease: The Business 11:10 Self Portraits 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 House Auction 14:20 My Place In The Sun 15:25 A Place In Greece 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil Newyddion Ar Gyfer Pobl Ifanc 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:25 Merched Y Mwmbwls 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 0:25 Ffermio Penawdau 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 Y Clwb Rygbi 23:05 The Unteachables 00:10 The Closer: About Face 01:05 Will And Grace: Fred Astaire And Ginger Chicken 01:35 Film: The Lost Highway 03:55 Diwedd/Close No blanks here.

Oct 24 - Oct 30 2005

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19.00 Reading the Decades 20.00 The World 20.30 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 21.00 Soho Boho Fuck fucking Sienna Miller. Fuck off. Just what, precisely, is so bohemian about someone who wears Gucci/topshop combos and is hailed as a fashion trailblazer? I still don’t get waistcoats either.

They look alright on someone like Sienna Miller but unless you want to look like a snooker player/Liza Minelli in Caberet/gay German, then it’s a good idea to steer clear. More “fashion” tips from TV Grace next week when she dissects the popular trend of leggings worn with denim miniskirts (results in cold calfs: downright irresponsible).

22.00 Time Shift: The Lost Picture of Eugene Smith 22.40 The Third Programme: High Culture for All 23.20 Film: "Noose" 24.55 Soho Boho 01.55 The Lost Picture of Eugene Smith 02.35 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 03.05 Soho Boho 04.05 Close

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.30 Airline USA. Unfit for Travel 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha Lezza.

4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City 8.00 The Xtra Factor: Best And Worst Auditions Ever 9.00 The Big Fight Live 11.00 The Frank Skinner Show 0.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 0.30 Spin City 1.00 The Ricki Lake Show 1.40 Teleshopping 4.40 ITV2 Nightscreen. This weekend I’m off to London to visit the Queen.

To be quite honest I’m terrified of “the big smoke”. I’m a small town kinda gal. The last time I went to london was when I was a sweet sixteen-year-old, all fresh faced and pudgy cheeked.

One bottle of red wine, several doughnuts and a fire alarm in the hotel resulted in me standing in the middle of Picadilly circus in a bright yellow nightie in the middle of the night being sick everywhere, wondering why there were so many bright lights.

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Hilary Duff 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Guess The Year 1:00pm Nothing But Britney Spears 2:00pm Scrubs 2:30pm Scrubs 3:00pm Faking It Usa 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: The One Where Joey Dates Rachel 5:30pm Friends: The One Where Chandler Takes A Bath 6:00pm Scrubs: My New Game 6:30pm Scrubs: My First Kill 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends: The One Where Joey Dates Rachel 8:30pm Friends: The One Where Chandler Takes A Bath 9:00pm Without A Trace: Volcano 10:00pm Six Feet Under: Static Very good. Static I get it. Haha.11:10pm Six Feet Under Retrospective 1:00am Swarovski Fashion Rocks For The Prince's Trust 2:25am Without A Trace: Volcano 3:15am No Angels Signing 4:15am Switched Up! 4:35am Switched Up! 5:00am Faking It Usa

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 Funky Valley 06.55 Bird Bath 07.00 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.10 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.00 Peppa Pig 08.10 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.25 Hi-5 09.00 Franny's Feet 09.15 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser Multiply three by 17 divided by your own age x 47.

Now add to this total the number of times you’ve helped an old lady cross the road and multiply by the amount of times that you’ve thought about helping but not actually bothered. Then work out the square root of the amount of shoes you own (total number of shoes, not pairs) and multiply the previous total by this. Then add every single prime number within this total and you have your final answer.

13.30 Film: "Help Wanted: Male" My washing machine is playing up again...wink wink.

15.35 five news update 15.40 Film: "Formula for Death" Buffet at Pizza Hut followed by a vigourous jog. Not recommended.17.30 five news followed by weather 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Michael Rosen's Treasure of Children's Literature 20.00 MacIntyre's Big Sting: Car Theft 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI:NY 23.00 Law and Order 23.55 Fifth Gear 24.55 Major League Baseball 04.30 Dutch Football

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5:55 Inuk: Mystery Ship 6:10 The Hoobs: Wind 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B47:30 Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:25 Will & Grace 8:55 Will & Grace 9:25 Frasier: The Friend 9:55 Film: “The Education Of Little Tree” 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction 1:30 My Eden I once went to a health farm called Eden. I stole a plastic tumbler. The end.1:40 Film: “Blue Dahlia” Classic film noir adaptation of Raymond Chandler’s novel. 3:30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or away 4:30 Come Dine With Me 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Lisa Vs. Malibu Stacey 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 The Political Slot: Conservative Warning: contains Tories.

8:00 Property Ladder 9:00 Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares 10:00 The Closer: Fantasy Date My fantasy date:Someone with lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of money. And a fast car with a really big exhaust, massive sub in the boot and a spoiler the size of a park bench.Must own own weight in gold chains and sovereign rings.

10:55 The Real Vampire Chronicles 11:55 Film: “Nadja” 1:45 The Last Dragon 3:45 Chrono-Perbulator A contraption which gives TV desk a second wind; massaging their shoulders when they begin to tire and giving them little peptalks. 4:00 Tales From The Grave: Unknown Soldier 4:25 The Mummy Road Show 4:50 Pioneer House: City Of God 5:50 Close... By which time new girl TV Jane is wondering what on earth she let herself in for...

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame 3.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.30 Pocoyo. Fetch Loula Fetch 3.35 SpongeBob SquarePants 3.50 MOM's Name That Tone 4.00 Jungle Run Can the Um Bongo troupe outrun Coco the Coco Pops monkey? Or will Tony the Tiger beat the lot of them?4.30 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Emmerdale Family Album. The Dingles Hmmm.

No thanks. Too many beards and excess flab on display for my liking.

8.00 The Bill 9.00 Britain's Youngest Boozers 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Crime Secrets No. 1: Crime Pays. No. 2: Crime is glamorous. No.3:Prison is a great place for picking up tips from other criminals.

No. 4: Lord Lucan is alive.

11.30 Horatio's Holiday 0.00 FILM: “Steal Big, Steal Little” Starring Winona Ryder. 1.50 Revolver - Movie Premiere Special 2.15 The Springer Show 3.10 Mixmasters 3.35 The Rasmus in Profile TV Gareth’s pick of the week. He also LOVES The Arctic Monkeys. 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

It’s all been a bit crazy in Cardiff this week. Whilst dining with friends at a popular nationwide pizzeria chain yesterday lunchtime, a woman was STABBED in Poundstretcher across the road. Just what is the world coming to?In my day...

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Making Little Britain Too You can now buy the catchphrases as ringtones. Argh.This is surely a sign that Little Britain has exhausted itself and become so tediously unfunny and predictable that it should just call it a day. Give me The Mighty Boosh any day! 21.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Swiss Toni 24.00 Funland 24.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 Swiss Toni 02.55 Forty Years of F**k Many happy returns to Frank on his 40th birthday.03.55 Close Next week may see the return of our beloved TV Manners for one (very special) night only! Fingers crossed!

7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz 7:30 Raven That’s sooooo raven.7:55 Newsround 8:00 Legend of the Dragon The cast of London’s Burning attempt to seek out the mythical Puff.8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 10:30 Muffin the Mule 10:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox 10:45 Boo! 11:00 My Wife and Kids 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 Ancestors 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 The Flying Gardener 1:10 FILM: “God's Little Acre” 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 The Big Dig 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 People's War 7:30 The Good Life Would be a cold, cold glass of the finest elderberry nectar, a nice warm cosy bed and someone to feed me grapes. Instead I sit here trying to distinguish the origins (animal/vegetable/mineral?) of the lumps in my tea.

8:00 Mastermind 8:30 Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife 9:00 Beyond Boundaries 10:00 Supernova Something to do with space, a song about champagne by Oasis and a terrible rock club in Derby.

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Indira Gandhi: The Killing of Mother India Didn’t she do that song about learning to love herself unconditionally or something?

12:40am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: History: The First World War 4:00 History: Nazi Germany

Formula for Death C5 3.40pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:45 Trollz 4:10 Best of Friends TV Gareth’s gran (new best friend of TV desk) knitted me a hat, bless her. I haven’t seen it yet but I’m sure it’s lovely. Thanks Granny G! 4:40 The Batman 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Casualty at Holby City 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 The Best and Worst of Changing Rooms If I was a man I’d be Laurence Llewelyn- Bowen. The sad fact is that i’m a woman and I still look suspiciously like him.

9:00 Love Soup I made creamy red lentil soup yesterday. It tasted OK, more of a “like” soup though.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Drama Connections Sky (note: no ‘E’ on the end) from Neighbours is the real life half-sister of Jason Donovan.

11:05 Medium 11:50 FILM: Bring Me the Head of Mavis Davis 1:30am: Sign Zone: See Hear look .2:15 Sign Zone: War at the what? 2:45 Sign Zone: No Waste Like Home 3:15 Sign Zone: Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 4:15 Joins BBC News 24 The anticpation of recieving the afore- mentioned hat is actually killing me.

The Lost Picture of Eugene Smith BBC4 10pm

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The Last Dragon C4 1.45am

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will & Grace 08:55 Frasier 09:25 Water Stories 09:30 Chancers 09:55 Chancers 10:20 Urban Music Festival 10:45 Gcsease 11:10 Trouble Online 11:35 Campyfan 12:00 News 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala 12:50 Peppa Pinc 13:00 Ty Newydd Mr Anghywir 13:05 Ding Dong 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 House Auction 14:20 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 15:25 A Place In Greece 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Beyblade 16:25 O Na! Y Morgans 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Boy Scoutz N The Hood 18:30 The Simpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm (Sc) 20:25 Taro 9 21:00 Ar Y Lein 21:30 Duwiau Coll 22:00 Emyn Roc A Rôl 22:45 Wife Swap 23:45 Whatever Happened To The Gender Benders? 00:50 Without A Trace 01:45 Bollywood: Dance Of The Wind 03:20 Diwedd/Close

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Oct 24 - Oct 30 2005

tvgrace@onefingertyping.co.uk

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three We have a lovely new TV writer tonight. It’s all very exciting, I’m not sure I can cope.

Let’s all give a warm welcome to TV Jane! I’m trying to teach her how to write for TV but I don’t actually know what I’m doing myself.

19.30 Trauma The look on TV Jane’s face when she realises that her “teacher” actually knows nothing and she will have to write her own page in a matter of minutes...

20.00 Spendaholics 21.00 Funland 21.50 Film: "The Mothman Prophecies" Starring Richard “Afghan Hound” Gere.

23.45 Trauma Uncut 24.15 Trauma Uncut 24.45 Funland The GR office.

The lights buzz, the floor is littered with stale pizza and the temperature is always on the ridiculously sweaty side of boiling hot. Good job i used my Right Guard.

01.15 Spendaholics 02.10 Desperate Midwives 02.40 Desperate Midwives 03.10 Trauma Uncut

19.00 Birdland: A Night in Tunisia 19.05 People's Century 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister 21.00 John Peel Tribute A celebration of the life of the late DJ featuring two films in which musicians, friends and fellow broadcasters recall what John meant to them.

21.30 The Fall: The Wonderful and Frightening World of Mark E Smith Profile of one of the most enigmatic, idiosyncratic and chaotic garage bands of the last 30 years.

22.30 John Peel: In Session Tonight I thought he was dead?

Ha. 24.00 BBC Four Sessions (P J Harvey) WOWEE. A night of programmes actually worth watching on BBC4.

01.00 Teenage Kicks - the Undertones 01.40 Chambre Hardman and the Lost City of Liverpool Warning: Features shell suits and perms. 02.10 The Fall: The Wonderful and Frightening World of Mark E Smith 03.10 BBC Four Sessions 04.10 Close

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.30 Airline USA. That's Entertainment!...Any channel other than ITV2 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.40 Judge Judy 6.30 The National Television Awards: On the Red Carpet 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City 8.00 Nanny 911 8.55 The Xtra Factor: 24/7 10.00 Coronation Street 10.30 The National Television Awards: Backstage Exclusive Jordan’s tits aren’t real! 11.00 Mike Bassett: Manager 11.30 Office Monkey 0.00 FILM: Alien Resurrection I thought this said “Allen Resurrection” which would be a little bit like Totally Scott-Lee, except Tim Allen would vow to never record another episode of Home Improvement if he fails to make a wardrobe out of a piece of MDF and a coathanger in half an hour. 1.55 The Ricki Lake Show 2.35 Teleshopping 5.35 ITV2 Nightscreen.

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Dannii Minogue 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Guess The Year 1:00pm Nothing But J-Lo 2:00pm Scrubs: Her Story 2:30pm Scrubs: My Cake I’ve had it. And I’ve eaten it.3:00pm Faking It USA 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: The One With The Secret Closet 5:30pm Friends Scrubs: Her Story 6:30pm Scrubs: My Cake 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Desperate Housewives: The Ladies Who Lunch 9:55pm Wife Swap 11:00pm Lost: Special 12:00am Point Pleasant: The Lonely Hunter 1:00am 8 Out Of 10 Cats 1:30am Desperate Housewives 2:20am Wife Swap 3:20am Point Pleasant: The Lonely Hunter 4:05am Switched Up! 4:25am Switched Up! 4:50am Faking It Usa

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 Funky Valley 06.55 Bird Bath This week it is filled with sulphuric acid. The birds love it.

07.00 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.10 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.00 Peppa Pig 08.10 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.25 Hi-5 09.00 Franny's Feet 09.15 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser Why is there always a mouldy grape at the bottom of the bag? 13.30 Film: "The Two Lives of Carol Letner" 15.30 Film: "Perry Mason: The Case of the Silenced Singer" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Arctic Giants: Battle of the Beasts 20.00 Commando VIP If we’re talking about the “VIP” area of Creation then I don’t think it really matters if you’re wearing underwear or not.

20.30 Dumber and Dumberest 21.00 Film: "The Running Man" 23.00 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns Featuring Cheltenham, Wooton Bassett, Congleton, Winchester, Bath, Durham and York.

23.30 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 24.00 The Gadget Show 24.45 Major League Baseball 04.30 Portuguese Football Almost an entire page finished. Whoop-de-doo. We have a newbie on TV desk this evening, which is a relief as TV Gareth has absconded and TV John has got ridiculously drunk.

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5:50 Grabbit The Rabbit 5:55 Inuk 6:10 The Hoobs: Rubbish 6:35 The Hoobs: Eggs 7:00 B47:30 Friends: The One With Frank Jr. 8:00 Just Shoot Me: What The Teddy Bear Saw...his friend get stuffed. He doesn’t talk about it very much.

8:25 Will & Grace 8:55 Will & Grace 9:25 Frasier: Come Lie With Me 9:55 Film: ‘Troop Beverly Hills” 11:50 Supporting Acts 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction 1:30 Film: “The Iron Mistress” 3:30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:30 Come Dine With Me 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Extensive research amongst the female population of Cathays (carried out by TV Grace: investigative journalist extraordinaire) reveals that Justin has become something of a sex symbol since he grew some “manly” stubble. Have you all lost your senses? The boy is twelve for god’s sake.

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 The Political Slot: Liberal Democrat 8:00 The View From River Cottage Giblet & Sons Abbatoir, Spam Processing Plant, Cod liver oil tablets ‘R’ us and Rodger’s Glue Factory.

8:30 Jamie's Great Escape 9:00 Grand Designs Revisited: Sussex 10:00 Lost 11:05 The Curse Of The Omen 12:10 Film: “Lost Souls” Also the name of my favourite Doves album. 1:55 Freesports On 4: Skate And Bmx 2:25 Freesports On 4: Snowboarding 2:55 Honda Formula 4 Powerboating 3:25 Kotv

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame...My 30 seconds on East Midlands News, strutting down the catwalk, dressed in a lilac satin negligee which I designed myself. Badly. Embarrassingly true I’m afraid. 3.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.30 Pocoyo. A Little Cloud The Orb perform their hit “Little Fluffy Clouds”, but complain that the clouds aren’t fluffy these days, what with polution and all. 3.40 Tractor Tom. The Big Adventure 3.55 Potatoes and Dragons. It Wasn't Me It was the potato. 4.05 Art Attack Series exploring the increasing number of art-related injuries that are admitted to Britain’s casualty departments every day. One patient was impaled by her paintbrush, and another unfortunate soul drowned in his own modelling clay. Not suitable for children.

4.30 My Parents are Aliens I sometimes wonder, I really do.5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show Poo. 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The National Television Awards 2005 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Carling Cup Highlights 0.00 The Jules and Lulu Show Lulu and her dog“Jules Holland” show us some of their clever tricks. 0.25 cd:uk Hotshots 0.55 FILM: Shalako 2.45 World Rally Championship 3.40 World Sport 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

Happy (belated) 21st birthday to Anna, Andrew and Claire. Mwah.

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7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Legend of the Dragon 8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 10:30 Muffin the Mule 10:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox gets hunted and killed by scary rich people.

10:45 Boo! 11:00 My Wife and Kids 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 The Daily Politics 1:00pm: Wildlife 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Lifeline 2:15 The Flying Gardener TV Jane here: I’m finding it really hard to be enthusiastic here, I’m hoping TV Grace will be merciful though... 2:30 House Invaders 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 The Big Dig 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads Where real people battle against game-show champions for the ultimate title of intellectual superiority. Sounds like a Thursday night at the Gair Rhydd, where it’s Geordie Vs Everyone.

6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Bollywood: The Casting Couch 7:30 How to Rescue a House 8:00 Natural World 8:50 Wild Owl Farm 10 minutes of pure fun: those ker-azy owls know how to party.

9:00 Timewatch Time you got your own.

10:00 Room 101 I would have to pick myself, ‘cos tonight I’m pissing me off.

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Other Side of Suez 12:20: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: History: Days That Shook the World Sunday 21st April 1985, when your lovely TV editor was popped out of the womb and begun a life of depravity.4:00 History: The Cold War

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6:00am: Breakfast I decided to be healthy this morning and have some muesli and prunes.

Yum. 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:45 Trollz 4:10 Best of Friends 4:40 The Batman 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Casualty at Holby City 7:30 Real Story Special: South Asia Earthquake 8:00 What Not to Wear Handlebar moustaches and PVC are all the rage in London, apparently.

9:00 Traffic Cops 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 The Worst Week of My Life 11:10 Men Behaving Badly 11:40 FILM: “Arthur 2: On the Rocks” 1:35am: Sign Zone: Beyond Boundaries 2:35 Sign Zone: Horizon Can Fish Make My Child Smart?

No. A course of electric shock therapy, followed by a spell in a locked room with nothing but an encyclopedia Britannica might do the trick. It didn’t work for me though. 3:25 Sign Zone: A Year at Kew...

Features graphic imagery of hedges, bushes, trees and flowers.3:55 Joins BBC News 24

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The Iron Mistress Ch4 1.30pm

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:35 The Hoobs: Shoes 07:00 B4 07:30 Fiends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will & Grace: Last Ex To Brooklyn 08:55 3 Minute Wonder 09:00 Self Portraits 09:50 Chancers 10:15 Chancers 10:40 Trouble Online 11:05 Gcsease: The Business 11:30 Bitesize Bioleg 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala Cyfres Wedi Ei 12:50 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 House Auction 14:20 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 15:25 A Place In Greece 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:25 Cer I Greu 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Last Temptation Of Homer 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Haf Ganol Gaeaf 21:00 Sioe Gelf 21:30 Jamie's Great Escape 22:00 Lost 23:00 Supernanny 00:05 Robbie Williams On The Road To Berlin 00:40 Whatever Happened To The Minipops? 06:10 The Hoobs

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danridler@overrated.com

19.00 Spivs 20.00 The World Big, round and spinny.

20.30 Mind Games It really doesn’t help that TV John is tapping away menacingly on his computer next to me in a sort of crazed drunken fit. It’s highly entertaining but slightly disconcerting as to the speed with which he’s completing his page...I think I can see smoke coming out of his ears...

21.00 Tales from the Palaces 21.30 Rule of the Gun: Days That Shook the World 22.30 The Thick of It 23.00 QI 23.30 Spivs 24.30 Tales from the Palaces Includes fund raising to repair Hampton Court. Can’t the Queen get off her arse, pop down to Homebase and take part in a bit of D.I.Y for god’s sake? 01.00 Rule of the Gun: Days That Shook the World 02.00 The Thick of It 02.30 Mind Games 03.00 Tales from the Palaces 03.30 Rule of the Gun: Days That Shook the World 04.30 Close exactly how it feels in the GR office right now. Yuk.

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show This guy does my head in, it’s as if he thinks it’s his show or something. 1.30 Airline USA 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City. About Last Night 8.00 Neighbourhoods from Hell I had a nice neighbour once, she made me sticky toffee pudding.

It was beautiful...Until I saw her kitchen.

9.00 Hell's Kitchen Yeah it was a bit like hell actually.

USA 10.00 FILM: “Alien Resurrection” 0.05 3rd Rock from the Sun 0.35 Big Game TV Featuring stupidly tall hares, shockingly large rabbits and overweight pheasants.

3.00 Teleshopping. Just in case you had nothing better to do at 3am.

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Westlife...my worst nightmare. 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Guess The Year Hmm, I wonder...maybe it’s 1984? Do I care? Not at this time of night. 1:00 Nothing But Kylie 2:00 Scrubs 2:30 Scrubs 3:00 Playing It Straight USA 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Scrubs 6:30 Scrubs 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 One Tree Hill 10:00 The Simple Life 10:30 Massive Balls Of Steel 11:00 Spoons Not as useful as forks, pizza slicers or secateurs.11:35 Spoons 12:05 Queer As Folk 1:10 One Tree Hill: Unopened Letter To The World 2:00 The Simple Life: Interns 2:30 Massive Balls Of Steel I wonder if Michael Jackson’s balls are real and what colour they are. Eeww.

2:55 Spoons 3:20 Queer As Folk 4:10 Playing It Straight USA 4:55 Fool Around... With My Girlfriend 5:20 Fool Around... With My Girlfriend

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 Funky Valley Fascinating in program which involves making valleys look funky. It takes a lot of talent to do that, especially at 6.45 in the morning. 06.55 Bird Bath Contains scenes of nudity. 07.00 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.10 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.25 Make Way for Noddy Otherwise he’ll kick your head in then run you over with his little red and yellow car. You’ve been warned. 07.45 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.00 Peppa Pig 08.10 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends... Get high after eating some unusual looking mushrooms that they find in their patch. 08.25 Hi-5 09.00 Franny's Feet 09.15 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 FILM: "The Big Valley: Legend of a General" 15.35 five news update 15.40 FILM: "Jack Reed: A Search for Justice" Gritty Police drama. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Deep Sea Hawk: Great Ocean Adventure 20.00 Greatest Before They Were Stars TV Moments 22.00 House 23.00 Drastic Plastic Jordan decides to go the whole hog. Contains gory and highly disturbing scenes. 24.00 Golazo Football Show 24.25 US PGA Golf 01.00 Major League Baseball 04.30 Argentinian Football It’s 1.44am and the inmates are getting tired. The office is steaming and TV Jane can’t drink much more tea.

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5:50 Grabbit The Rabbit The story of a rabbit with the tendency to molest innocent rodents.

5:55 Inuk: Lemmings 6:10 The Hoobs: Planes 6:35 The Hoobs: Dres 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends: The One With The Flashback 8:00Just Shoot Me: Steed 8:25 Will & Grace: Des At Sea 8:55 Will & Grace: Last Ex To Brooklyn 9:25 Frasier: Moon Dance 9:55 FILM: “Clockstoppers” Science fiction comedy. 11:40 Claridges: Checking Into History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction 1:30 Celebrity Life Skills: Beast 1:40 The Westerner B/W 3:30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:30 Come Dine With Me 5:00 Richard & Judy This is the one where Judy finally kills Richard. It’s a must-see.

6:00 The Simpsons: Homer Loves Flanders Oh don’t we all? I would love to have a mini Flanders to keep in a box and bring out on special occasions.

6:30 Hollyoaks More from the brainless beautiful people of Chester.

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 The Political Slot: Plaid Cymru 8:00 The F Word Hmm...Fox, fridge, fire, flop, face, frost, frown, flap, frilly, flu, fart, frank, fable, free, flounce, fabulous, frisky, favourite, feast, fine, food, four, surely one of those must be it? (can you tell I’m getting tired yet?)

9:00 Blitz: London's Firestorm 11:05 Gorillaz: Video Exclusive 11:10 The Real Silence Of The Lambs 11:55 Ed Gein Wide 1:35 Angry George Irons 1:50 FILM: Kuch Na Kaho” 5:00 Pioneer House: The Shake Up 6:00 Close

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Pirates 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill 9.00 All About George 10.00 Mike Bassett: Manager 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Wales This Week... has been cold, wet and uneventful. 11.30 Soccer Night 0.00 Never to be Forgotten... The number nine bus journey from Cathays to Cardiff Central, your lecturer’s favourite piece of fruit, the date of your mothers birthday, to breathe (very important), to watch The X-Factor, to go to the toilet when you need to, that everything is good for you in moderation. 0.30 Astounding Celebrities 0.55 Creating a Monster: The Making of Wallace & Gromit Behind the scenes of the making of ‘The Curse of the Were-Rabbit’. I’m afraid it’s getting late and I’m running out of inspiration so I’ve resorted to telling you what the program is actually about.

Sorry.2.55 Cybernet 3.20 Motorsport UK 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News. Sleepytime

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Spooks 23.30 Trauma Uncut 24.00 Trauma Uncut 24.30 Funland 01.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 01.55 Spendaholics 02.55 Trauma Uncut 03.25 Trauma Uncut 03.55 Close As BBC 3 is looking as dire as ever in the way of content, I decided to introduce myself to take up some space (my apologies if this completely bores you, but if it does, well, stop reading). I’m TV Jane, the latest addition to the TV bunch and this is my first attempt at filling a page. Not good. I’ve just realised just how much poo there is on TV and how little there is to say about it that could be classed as kind, useful or truly interesting. Anyway, bear with me on this....I’m trying.

Blurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Legend of the Dragon 8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 10:30 Muffin the Mule 10:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox 10:45 Boo! Children’s TV show which involves presenters dressing up as sadistic, blood-splattered teddy bears carrying pick-axes jumping out on unexpecting toddlers. What a scream. 11:00 My Wife and Kids 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 Meet the Ancestors 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Nero Wolfe Mysteries 2:30 Wildlife This week a look at the intellectual and emotional capacity of the macaw, which is, (so TV Grace tells me) a parrot.

3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 The Big Dig 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 A Year at Kew The last episode in the series. Yay! 9:00 Horizon 9:50 Underground Britain 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Israel and the Arabs: Elusive Peace Just add: Noel Edmonds 12:20am: Israel and the Arabs: Elusive Peace 1:20 Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: History The Soviets 4:00 History BBC 2 is so mind-numbingly boring that I’ve resorted to discussing with ‘the team’ why I don’t want the last green jelly bean. Green sweets suck, they always taste like toilet cleaner. Great conversation. Lemon sherberts are the best, without a doubt.....Then again, red jelly babies are always a winner, can’t go wrong.

The Real Silence of the Lambs C4 11.10pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Car Booty This includes women with huge fat implants in their buttocks talking about their cars. 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours This week Connor gets his head stuck so far up Toadie’s arse it takes five dodgy curries and a huge vat of prunes to get it to finally reappear. 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:45 Trollz 4:10 Best of Friends 4:40 The Batman 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards Possibly the cuddliest newsreader ever. 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Casualty at Holby 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Bleak House My halls on a Sunday afternoon after a night of too much Sainsbury’s Own dark rum, sugared-up kids running around with wooden spoons and an attempt to steal another floor’s beer that ended up with a kitchen covered in sugar and syrup.

Revenge is nigh.

9:00 Spooks 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week 12:25am: Sign Zone: Panorama 1:05 Sign Zone: Your Life in Their Hands 2:05 Sign Zone: It Beats Working which could be said about going to uni. 2:35 Sign Zone: Road Rage School 3:05 Sign Zone: Sea Monsters 3:35 Joins BBC

Alien Resurrection ITV2 10pm

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Never to be Forgotten ITV1 12am

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06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me: The Emperor 08:25 Will & Grace 08:55 3 Minute Wonder 09:00 National Gallery 09:05 Self Portraits: The Me Generations 09:55 Chancers 10:20 Re-Writing History 10:25 Chancers 10:50 National Gallery 10:55 Rude Britannia 11:25 National Gallery11:30 Crefyddau'r Byd - Mam Iaith 11:45 Crefyddau'r Byd - Mam Iaith 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala 12:50 Dic A Dei A Delyth 13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:15 Byd Bach Bedwyr 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 House Auction 14:20 How Clean Is Your House 14:55 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Beyblade 16:25 Wap! 16:40 Crafwr 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Cymer Fi 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Tecawe Cymru 21:00 Ydy Gwenno'n Gallu* 21:30 Darn O Dir 22:00 Bandit 22:30 A Very Social Secretary 00:05 Risking It All 01:05

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Friday

Page 28

Oct 24 - Oct 30 2005

tvjohn@drunk.com

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19.00 Tales from the Palaces 19.30 Pride and Prejudice Revisited 20.00 The World 20.30 Chambre Hardman and the Lost City of Liverpool 21.00 Sun Ra: Brother from Another Planet Documentary about preposturous experimental acid-fucked lunatic Sun-Ra featuring no doubt pretentious input from Sonic Youth’s Thurston Moore, and trumpet playing sheepdown, Archie Shepp. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what BBC4 think people watching prime-time on it’s channel want to see.

22.00 Jarvis Cocker Talks to Kirsty Wark Sadly irrelevent Britpop centrifugue flogs the corpe of Desert Orchic repeatedly infront of bitch-faced interviewer icequeen Kirsty “The Kow” Wark.

22.30 QI 23.00 The Thick of It 23.30 Heimat - 3 01.15 Sun Ra: Brother from Another Planet 02.15 Jarvis Cocker Talks to Kirsty Wark 02.45 Pride and Prejudice Revisited 03.15 Chambre Hardman and the Lost City of Liverpool 03.45 Tales

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.30 Airline USA 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 6.30 ITV at the Movies 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 The Xtra Factor It’s times like this I need TV Gareth’s biblical knowledge of X Factor, and not my own pamphlet-sized brain capacity on the subject, given that I watched about the third episode in and already can’t tell the different between last years contestants, and this years. Or in fact, “Brothers”, and a jar of pickled yak testicles.

8.30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 9.30 Jordan and Peter: Marriage and Mayhem.

Honeymoon 10.30 The Frank Skinner Show 11.30 Coronation Street 0.00 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions 1.00 Big Game TV 3.00 Teleshopping. Can’t be bothered with this, I bought The Warriors on DVD today

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With The Happy Mondays 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Guess The Year 1:00pm Nothing But Gwen “Nothing but horse shit” more like.

1:30pm Nothing But Christina Aguilera 2:00pm Scrubs 2:30pm Scrubs 3:00pm Playing It Straight USA 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Scrubs 6:30pm Scrubs 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm Scream 2 12:20am Spoons 12:50am Massive Balls Of Steel 1:25am Trigger Happy Usa 1:50am Wife Swap 2:50am Spoons 3:15am Massive Balls Of Steel 3:45am Trigger Happy Usa 4:05am Playing It Straight Usa 4:50am Fool Around... With My Boyfriend 5:15am Fool Around... With My Boyfriend Nah, I wouldn’t bother, I’m currently dating Christiano Ronaldo.

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 Funky Valley 06.55 Bird Bath 07.00 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.10 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.25 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.00 Peppa Pig 08.10 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.25 Hi-5 09.00 Franny's Feet 09.15 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: Execution of Justice The Harold Shipman story. If by “Justice”, you mean “entire community” 15.35 five news update 15.40 Film: Face to Kill For The Harold Shipman story.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Great British Commanders 20.00 Stargate Atlantis 21.00 Film: Hollow Man Also starring Kevin “Smokey” Bacon. A hollow man if ever I saw one.

23.05 My Secret Body 23.35 Hot Tub Ranking 24.10 Top Buzzer This week: Barry the Bee. 24.40 Commando VIP Uncut 01.30 Film: Sacrifice This week: Toby Anstis, Richard Blackwood and Gary Bushell take to the slab. What’s with all the death-related films on five today? I hope someone famous snuffs it, it’ll be havoc on the recheduler’s office.

02.55 Short Story Cinema 03.30 Russell Grant's Postcards 03.35 Sunset Beach 04.20 Sunset Beach 05.10 Sons and Daughters

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6:00 Cubeez: Sight And Sound 6:10 The Hoobs: Spots 6:35 The Hoobs: Shopping 7:00 B4 7:30 Fiends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:25Will & Grace 8:55 Will & Grace: Me & Mr Jones 9:25 Frasier 9:55 The 5000 Fingers Of Dr T 11:35 Futurama 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction 1:30 Supporting Acts 1:40 Man Of The West 3:30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:30 Come Dine With Me 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons Bart gets an Elephant. Not even slightly funny.

6:30 Hollyoaks Jailbird Justin gets his ass butchered by the rozzers. If not, why not?

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:35 Fiends 8:00 Fiends 8:25 Madonna: Video Exclusive 8:30 Will & Grace 9:00 The Simpsons Crap episode with either Josha Jackson, James Van Der Beek or some other sycophantic teen drama fucksworth guest-starring 9:30 Rock School 10:00 Spoons This week, the instrument beloved of spastic Irish pub-corner pissheads get an in-depth study.

10:30 Dirty Tricks 11:25 Madonna: Video Exclusive Jacquel Lu Cont tries to do the the brothel of music’s first madame justice.

11:30The Osbournes 12:00 Nightwatch 1:55 Bollywood Firsts: Raghu Romeo 3:55 The Deceron 4:10 What Would Jesus Drive?

A Vauxhall Ass-tra, surely.

5:10 Pioneer House Judgement Day 6:10 Close

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame 3.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.30 Pocoyo. 3.35 Pirates. This episode is called A Stitch in Brine, which is making me imagine peg-legged pirates sewing together tinned frankfurters to make rigging. 3.50 Planet Sketch 4.00 Disney's The Legend of Tarzan 4.30 Harry Hill's Shark Infested Custard 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Airline 9.00 The Brief 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Paparazzi Secrets 11.30 The Frank Skinner Show 0.30 Numb3rs “Like CSI, but with two detectives who use the power of mathematical formulas rather than hard evidence, to solve their crimes” - My housemate Mark, Monday evening. I take back everything I might have said about this.

1.25 Dragnet 2.05 Entertainment Now! 2.30 ITV at Reading 2005 “It was shit” same housemate as above.

3.25 ITV at the Movies 3.50 cd:uk Hotshots 4.15 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.40 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News This week’s choice of screw-top red wine from Threshers is Sunset Bay, which offers “aromas of black orchard fruit” (black grapes, surely?) and “underlying violets”. For £4.99 and a convulsing stomach, I beg to differ.

Sealed Cargo BBC2 1.30pm

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7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz New Girl in Town 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Legend of the Dragon The Pete Doherty story.

8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 10:30 Muffin the Mule 10:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox 10:45 Boo! 11:00 My Wife and Kids 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 Meet the Ancestors 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:30 FILM: Sealed Cargo 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 The Big Dig 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Burberry versus the Chavs 7:30 Tales from the Green Valley 8:00 Garden School 8:30 Gardeners' World 9:00 Catherine the Great 9:50 Black Cab 10:00 QI 10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 Later with Jools Holland With the Arctic Fucking Monkeys, who by the time this goes to print, will be both top of the pops, and scraping the bottom of the barrel simultaneously.

Seriously, is Jools Holland doing the “turn and wave” to this bunch of acne ridden scally prats who’ve listened to three records in their entire life and all by The Libertines, the future of popular music in this country? They still sound like McFly, by the way.

12:35am: FILM: Sorority Girl 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Wembley Stadium: Venue of Legends 2:30 Passing Judgements 3:00 The British Family: Sources and Myths 3:30 The French Revolution: Impact and Sources 4:00 Rousseau in Africa:Democracy in the making

Burberry Vs The Chavs BBC2 7pm

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 21.00 Funland Speaking of funland, I’m going to Thorpe Park on Monday. I haven’t been for years:- the last time I went was when I was 9 and it was raining.

Which was good, because riding the log flume, it meant I was already wet, and it all slipped down nicely. Theme park anal sex innuendo aside, the whole Thope experience seems to improved since then, they now have rollercoasters taller than head-height for a start, and the highlight isn’t a piss-poor spook house and a rubber dinghy going down a plastic tube.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 23.00 Making Little Britain Too 23.30 Two Pints Of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 Spendaholics 01.30 Honey We're Killing the Kids 02.25 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.55 Gypsy Wars Jezebel Love Butterfly vs TV Gareth, on The Lawns of Our Lord Windy Miller, Barnstaple.

Earth vs Spider S4C 1.25am

PRIMETIME

9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 Mind Your Own Business Traditional response to what people ask what I do on the other six days of the week. 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz 4:05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 4:30 The Basil Brush Show 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround with Huw Edwards 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 A Question of Sport 7:30 Spending Other People's Money 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Bleak House Either: A dark re-telling of the classic Dickens novel, or; given it’s half eight on a Friday, a hideous sitcom “starring <insert d-list d-lightful TV presenter>in their first comedic role” 9:00 Blessed This week, TV Desk’s favourite boisterous bearded period actor dons a pair of goggles and speedo’s and indulges in a game of underwater hockey.

9:30 Have I Got News for You 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35 FILM: Tremors With Kevin “Smokey” Bacon. This horrible sci-fi-with-worms travesty, and it’s FOUR sequels are all available on DVD now.

1:10am: Joins BBC News 24

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P R I M E T I M E

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6:10 The Hoobs: The Band 06:35 The Hoobs: Circus 07:00 B4 07:30 Fiends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:30 Will And Grace 08:55 3 Minute Wonder: Homeless World Cup 09:00 Deadsville 09:25 Tate Modern 09:30 Sweet Sixteen 09:55 Tate Modern 10:00 Impressionism: Revenge Of The Nice 11:45 Tate Modern 11:50 National Gallery 11:55 Tate Modern 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Caio 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 Waterstories 13:20 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Dan Datrys 16:25 Bôrd 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Uned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Gwyllt Ar Grwydr 21:00 Gêm Y Ganrif 22:00 Property Ladder Revisited 23:00 Rock School Hammersmith Apollo. 23:35 Spoons 00:05 The Osbournes 00:35 Dirty Tricks 01:25 Film: Earth Vs Spider

Oct 24 - Oct 30. 2005

Saturday

Page

Operation Dumbo Drop ITV1 12.45pm

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Fudge Tunnel

19.00 Amazing Gracie 20.00 Kathleen Ferrier: An Ordinary Diva 21.00 Dennis Wheatley: A Letter to Posterity 22.00 The Devil Rides Out Joss Stone on a motorbike.

23.35 The Thick of It Joss Stone covered in custard.

24.05 Soho Boho Joss Stone in a strip club. I just retched.

01.05 (BST) Dennis Wheatley: A Letter to Posterity 01.05 Amazing Gracie <insert gushing nonsense about my fellow TV writer which would probably make her puke even before you readers do> 02.05 Kathleen Ferrier: An Ordinary Diva 03.05 Close I’m out of inspiration here.

Things I hate: being mistaken for a large proportion of the emo kids waiting on the union steps for the Alexisonfire gig at the union, the inexplicable selling out of the British Lions rugby dvd tour of New Zealand where they lost every single game, the temperature of this boiler room office, accidentally putting the wrong DVD in the box when returning Overnight to Choices video and the NTL broadband “helpline.”

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 2.30 Date My Daughter 3.15 The Legend of Zorro - Behind the Mask 3.45 Movies Now 3.55 Orange Playlist 4.25 Nanny 911 5.15 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 6.15 The National Television Awards: On the Red Carpet 6.45 The National Television Awards 2005 TV Show of the year: Hot Tub Ranking. Hunk of the Year: William G Stewart (sixth year running), Babe of the Year Angela Lansbury (seventh year running) Advert of the Year: Anything except those “we’re go clever arent we ad-exec guys?”

3rd generation phone ads. Etc. 9.15 The National Television Awards: Backstage Exclusive 9.45 Movies Now 10.00 The Xtra Factor 10.45 The Lost World: Jurassic Park None of us can remember if this has Jeff Goldblum in it or not. If it does, then this is watchable. If not, then avoid like snogging a sick bird.

1.15 The X Factor 1.55 The X Factor Results 2.25 The Xtra Factor 3.10 Emmerdale

5:50 Grabbit The Rabbit 6:00 Inuk: Guided By Voices Weirdly, the band Guided By Voices are now playing on the office stereo. I really should stop going on about stuff like this.

6:10 The Hoobs: Borrowing 6:35 The Hoobs: Fancy Dress 7:00 French Football: Le Ch pionnat 7:30 4endurance: Manchester Rat Race 8:00 The Morning Line 8:55 T4 T4: Futurama 9:25 T4: Pure T4 9:55 T4: Fiends 10:25 T4: Popworld 11:20 T4: Fiends 11:50 T4: The Simple Life 12:25 T4: Rock School 12:55 T4: Totally Frank 1:30 T4: Fiends 2:00 Channel 4 Racing From Wetherby And Newmarket 4:00 A Place In The Sun 5:00 The F Word 6:05 Morgan & Platell 6:35 Channel 4 News 7:05 Paradise Found 9:05 The Perfect Scary Movie I’m guessing they’re not referring to...

11:15 Halloween H20 12:50 4music Presents...

Goldfrapp Or Doctor and the Medics, as they were called in the eighties.

1:25 4music: The Coral At Carling Live Or if you’re TV Jane, The Coral at The Great Hall Instead of Making Your TV Desk Debut Last Week 1:55 4music: 4play: Nine Black Alps “Infinite Crap Songs” more like.

2:10 4music: 4play: Architecture In Helsinki That’s more like it: Australian indie-pop that sounds like the Arcade Fire and play power drills on their records.

2:25 4music: Hit40uk 2:50 King Of The Hill 3:15 King Of The Hil 3:40 Love Letters Email to the above address, please.

5:10 Metropolis 6:00 Close

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am The All Star Wake Up Call 9:00am The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Inspired By Madonna 1:00pm Nothing But Madonna 2:00pm Hit40uk 2:35pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Brat Camp: What Happened Next? 7:00pm Wife Swap 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm The 100 Greatest Albums Blah blah blah TV John going on about music again yadda yadda Bruce Springsteen boring boring yawn yawn yawn indie indie American indie slag slag British indie etc etc 1:10am Out Of 10 Cats 1:40am 8 Out Of 10 Cats 2:10am Wife Swap 3:10am Hit40uk 3:35am Line Of Fire: This Land Is Your Lans Signing 4:15am Playing It Straight Usa 4:55am Switched Up! 5:20am Switched Up! 5:40am Switched Up! 6:00am Brat Camp: What Happened Next?

06.00 Sunrise 06.55 The SaveUms 07.10 The Save-Ums 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.10 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.30 Franklin 09.05 Gerald McBoing Boing 09.35 The Secret of Eel Island 09.50 Extreme Football 10.00 Dragon Booster 10.30 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Committed 13.55 The 7th Dawn Not to be confused with The 6th Day, which is an atrocious Arnie film.

16.20 Asterix and Obelix Take On Caesar Those Frenchmen just can’t resist those dog food dares.

18.15 Charmed 19.05 Film: The Cannonball Run Amazing. Even though one of the Sunday papers gave it away free the other week.

Anyone else noticed how the free DVD’s the papers give away invariable appear in charity shops within three days? I bought Little Shop of Horrors in Scope the other day for 50p 20.50 five news and sport 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 Law and Order 22.55 Law and Order 23.50 Ironman Triathlon Ted Hughes bakes an omelette, rides a tricycle down a ski jump and then juggles with Sylvia Plath’s fingers. 24.20 Major League Baseball The San Franciso Athiests vs the San Andreas Wankburgers.

03.45 Sunset Beach 04.25 Sunset Beach 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters PS2 game Buzz, arriving tomorrow. YES.

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 Wakey! Wakey 7.25 Toonattik 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News 12.35 ITV Wales News and Weather 12.45 FILM: Operation Dumbo Drop Idiotic family flick in which an elephant is transported by a helicopter. I wish I was making this up.

2.45 ITV at the Movies 3.15 Inspector Morse. The Settling of the 5.15 ITV Wales News and Weather 5.30 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.45 New You've Been Framed 6.15 The X Factor 7.55 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon Believe it or not, but Ant and Dec have somehow managed to land Bill “Independence Day” Pullman, and Harry “Paris, Texas” Dean Stanton in the supporting cast in their Alien Abduction comedy film.

Do these people have nothing better to do?

9.00 The X Factor Results 9.30 afterlife 10.30 Parkinson 11.30 ITV News 11.45 FILM: The Silence of the Lambs My personal favourite example of a film that’s awesome right up until Billy director tries something a bit avantgarde and it goes arse-overboard. Jonathan Demme commits the crime here of filming large chunks of the final third through night vision goggles. I can’t imagine that even sounding good on paper.

1.50 FILM: A Wing and a Prayer 2.20 The Springer Show.

Twins at War 3.15 cd:uk 4.05 Entertainment Now This week, I’ve been digging the new Sigur-Ros album, which, if you read HullFire, student rag for all their future world leaders, is great “if you like Hpe of the States and Dov”

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19.00 Farscape 19.45 Farscape 20.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 21.00 Making Little Britain Too 21.30 MPs' Outtakes 22.00 Bodies 23.00 Film: Shiner I once got a gigantic shiner on my left eye when I fell over on a large cement trough my primary school was using as a flower pot. My parents obviously said to every single person they knew when they saw them “ha ha- looks like he’s done ten rounds with Mike Tyson” - hee-larious. My ear remained intact, incidentally.

24.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.35 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.05 Forty Years of F**k 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.00 Close I’ve just realised I haven’t written an anecdote about me going to the cinema this week. How about the one which goes “I’ve been working in a specialist film store for nearly two months and the only film I’ve seen at the cinema is The Breakfast Club” Je Suis Un Amateure Employee.

6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Rachel's Favourite Food for Friends 12:00pm: See Hear 12:45 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 1:15 The Rockford Files Completely brilliant. I can’t express how much I’m glad they’re repeating this. Forget Diagnosis Murder, Quincy, Jessica Fletcher et al - Jim Rockford, the low-budget caravan-dwelling uncompromising supersleuth is by far the high priest of the television detectivees. Watch and learn.

2:05 Monk 2:50 Escape to Burma 4:10 The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes 5:05 Flog It! 6:05 What the Papers Say 6:15 Backlash 6:55 The Secret of Drawing Use a biro and doodle pictures of breasts on a post-it note - just like the big boys at UWIC do.

7:55 Inside Rome 8:05 Who Do You Think You Are 9:00 Bodies 10:00 Family Guy Oh yeah in case I forgot to mention last week, this is Season 4 of Family Guy, so in case you’re an illegal downloading asshole, or simply an American asshole, you won’t have seen this before.

10:20 American Dad 10:45 Ideal 11:15 The Culture Show 12:15am: The Players Club 1:00 BBC Learning Zone 1:30 An English Accent 2:00 English Only in America 2:30 Animated English: The Creature Comforts Story. Day 1056: Meltdown.

3:00 Moral Panics - The Agony and the Ecstasy 3:30 Defining Moments October 20th: TV Jane appointed to TV Desk. 4:00 The Unusual Suspects 4:30 Background 4:45 Snapshots: Antarctic Adventure 5:00 Close

Your Union

6:00am 6:20 Fimbles 6:45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 7:00 CBBC 7:25 Arthur 7:50 TazMania Spotted in a charity shop in Bridgend: knock-off Looney Tunes accessories featuring identikit characters called “Chirpy Bird”, “Dippy Duck”, “Brian Bunny”, “Twisty Devil”, “Podgy Pig” and so forth.

Brilliant.

8:10 Legend of the Dragon 8:35 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11:00 Top of the Pops Reloaded 11:45 Sportsround 12:00pm: BBC News 12:10 Football Focus 1:00 Grandstand 1:05 Snooker 3:45 Football Half-Times 3:50 Snooker 4:30 Final Score Southampton going for their 10th draw in a row.

5:25 BBC News 5:45 Only Fools and Horses 6:35 Strictly Come Dancing 7:55 The National Lottery Jet Set 8:30 Strictly Come Dancing 9:00 Outtake TV AKA “It’ll Be All Shite On The Night” 9:30 Carrie and Barry 10:00 BBC News; Weather 10:20 Match of the Day 11:40 Return from the River Kwai Pointless sounding sequel to legendary war movie which I’m guessing sees all the original cast returning home after the events of the first film.

Which, if anyone remembers the game Kid Gloves on the Amiga 500, is a bit like Kid Gloves 2 - The Journey Home.

Anyone who doesn’t remember that, just assume it, and this above film, are complete tosh.

1:25am: Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 1:25 Joins BBC News 24 This red wine is really going to my head. And my gut.

The Perfect Scary Movie Ch4 9.05pm

PRIMETIME

Amazing Gracie BBC4 7pm

The F Word Ch4 5pm

06:10 The Hoobs: Borrowing 06:35 The Hoobs: Fancy Dress 07:00 French Football: Le Championnat 07:30 4endurance: Manchester Rat Race 08:00 The Morning Line 08:55 Scrapheap Challenge: Car Fishing 09:55 Totally Frank 10:20 The Simple Life: Interns 10:50 Will And Grace 11:20 Pepsi Max Downloaded: Westlife 12:20 Stargate: Avatar 13:10 Star Trek: Enterprise: The Augments 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 16:00 Sky High: T4 Movie Special 16:30 Helen Of Troy 18:30 Y Clwb Pêl-Droed 19:00 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 19:15 Y Clwb Rygbi: Cwpan Heineken 20:20 Ar Y Lein 20:50 Margaret Williams 21:35 Con Passionate 22:35 The Perfect Scary Movie 00:45 Film: Halloween H20 02:15 Film: Nightwatch 03:55 Playstation Freedom Weekender 04:50 Kotv 05:15 Diwedd/Close

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Sunday

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Oct 24 - Oct 30 2005

ogjdfkogjdfg@irtrhhr.co.uk!!!!!!! aiiiieee!!!!

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

19.00 Three's Outtakes 19.15 The Office: An American Workplace 19.40 AI: Artificial 22.00 Funland 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. Not too bothered about the crisps to be honest, but the two pints of larger would be ideal. 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. Again, not too bothered about the crisps, but four pints of larger would be ideal. 24.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 24.30 Swiss Toni 01.00 Funland 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. Fuck the crisps, i’ll have six pint of the good stuff. Should be getting home soon.

02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. Bollocks to it, i’ll make it an even eight pints of lager. I could use some Mcocys salt and vinegar to make the evening comeplete.

Who says there is nothing to talk about on BBC 3? TV ED to the rescure digital viewers.

02.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days 03.25 Swiss Toni 03.55 Close

19.00 Chopin Preludes 19.05 Massive Nature 19.35 Illuminations: Treasures of the Middle Ages 20.05 Demob Happy 21.05 Rover: The Long Goodbye. Lasting just over five hours, nobody wants to say goodbye. Like that phone conversation in Friends, you know? The one with Ross and his new Girlfriend, when Rachel just hangs up? You know? The one with? That one? Yeah, you know? 21.45 The Lost Road: Overland to Singapore 22.25 The Seventh Veil 23.55 The Cinema Show 24.25 Demob.

New show from the USA aimed at high ranking maffia types.

After a hard day of kneecapping etc, it showcases a variety of ways to ‘demob’. Set to be massive. Happy 01.25 Rover: The Long Goodbye 02.05 The Lost Road: Overland to Singapore 02.45 Illuminations: Treasures of the Middle Ages. Gold, rape, pillage and plunder. Sounds a bit like a wrong captain planet theme tune. He’s my hero.

03.15 Demob Happy 04.15 Close

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon 10.30 Nanny 911 11.20 Emmerdale Omnibus 2.10 The Lost World: Jurassic Park 4.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 6.55 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon.

Filming had to be stopped on a recent repeat as Bruce Forsyth passed out from running and bantering with the crowd simultaneously. He later recovered in hospital, although channel chiefs are now considering the format of the show after Bruce’s collection of bints were heard to say: “you’re kidding right?”.

Allegedly 8.00 The X Factor 9.40 The X Factor Results 10.10 The Xtra Factor 10.55 Jordan and Peter: Marriage and Mayhem. Gusset wettingly crap TV from two of the most gusset wettingly crap people ever to have graced gods increasingly crap planet. Miss this, miss out, on nothing, you’d be better off plucking your snail trail. 11.55 Coronation Street 0.25 The Frank Skinner Show 1.15 cd:uk 2.15 Teleshopping 5.15 ITV2 Nightscreen

6:00 Inuk: Kimik And K arluk 6:10 The Hoobs: Crying. Surely a title like this must contain some sort of mind warping footage for the kiddie audience?

If not, why the hell are they giving the little bastards darlings lessons in how to cry? Don’t they come pre-programmed to do it anyway? 6:35 The Hoobs: Bells 7:00 Transworld Sport 8:00 Thunder Racing At The Rock 8:30 Freesports On 4: Kitesurfing. Riding little Kites in the surf, surely not? Aren’t they endangdered? Hardly the best advert for conservation is it, surfing a bird of prey. 8:55 T4 T4: Hit40uk 9:30 T4: Futurama: A Taste Of Freedom 10:00 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:30 T4: Friends: The One With Joey's Bag 1:05 T4: Totally Frank 6/13 1:35 T4: Britney And Kevin: Chaotic. Fucking right it’s chaotic. What a world we live in. Britney was on the phone the other night, but i had to turn her down, mainly cos she gives off the impression of being a nasty trailer park skank, however far removed form the truth that is, i just can’t shake it.

2:05 T4: Pepsi Max Downloaded: Highlights 3:10 T4: Stargate Sg-1: Affinity 4:05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise: The Forge (Part 1/3) 5:00 The Simpsons: Principal Charming 5:30 Scrapheap Challenge 7/15: Polar Pinball. New game show played with large ice balls and Emperor Penguins as those flipper things that you hit the balls with. Ouch. 6:30 Lost: Hearts And Minds 7:30 Channel 4 News 8:00 Great British Islam 9:00 Austin Powers In Goldmember 10:45 Legless 12:05 Audition 2:10 Earth Vs. The Spider 3:45 Kotv 4:15 French Football: Le Ch pionnat 6:10 Close

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am The All Star Wake Up Call 9:00am The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 11:30am Nothing But Robbie 12:30pm Nothing But Robbie 1:35pm Robbie Williams On The Road To Berlin 2:10pm T4 Presents Robbie Williams 2:40pm Popworld 3:30pm Totally Frank 4:00pm Young, Sexy And...Royal 5:00pm Friends: The One With Phoebe's Dad 5:30pm Friends: The One With Russ 6:00pm Playing It Straight 7:00pm One Tree Hill: Unopened Letter To The World 8:00pm The Simple Life: Interns 8:30pm Friends: The One With Phoebe's Dad 9:00pm Lost: Special 10:00pm Hollyoaks Let Loose 11:00pm Six Feet Under: Static 12:15am Six Feet Under Retrospective 2:00am The Simple Life: Interns 2:20am Hollyoaks Let Loose 3:20am Six Feet Under: Static 4:10am Switched Up! 4:35am Young, Sexy And...Royal 5:15am Popworld

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories. Tales of foul smelly post Come Play farts under the duvet covers with someone you don’t know. The shame. 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 The Save-Ums! 07.00 The SaveUms! 07.20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky. Legendary gangster type named after his favourite weapon of assult, the bottle. Corky was less effective with a spinning 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.10 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.30 Franklin 09.00 Gerald McBoing Boing 09.30 Demolition Dad 09.50 Extreme Football. With guns and knives. Apparently it’s being considered as a viable contender for IMG next season.

10.05 Michaela's Wild Challenge. Did anyone else think Miss Strachan was really fit when they were 11? Nope, just me then. She did a show with that Terry Nutkins character or something, in’t he dead?

10.35 Make It Big 11.05 The New Tomorrow 11.35 Heroes of History 12.05 A Different Life 12.35 The History of British Sculpture 13.05 five news update 13.15 Coroner Creek 15.00 The Cincinnati Kid 16.55 Two and a Half Men 17.25 Two and a Half Men 17.55 five news and sport 18.05 Film: Gremlins 2 20.00 Britains Worst...

Teenager. Not me. I was always in bed by 8pm.

However i did have a massive stash of gear under my pillow. 21.00 A Perfect Murder 23.10 World's Wildest Police Videos 24.05 ITU Triathlon World Cup 24.40 Major League Baseball 04.30 US Major League Soccer

P R I M E T I M E

I

M

E

T

I

M

E

6.00 GMTV 6.00 Wakey!

Wakey! 7.25 Toonattik 9.40 The Championship 10.40 Skillz.

Skillz that killz, weren’t they a team in that film Dodgeball?

Talk about going balls deep, i want that banner for the railings outside the gair rhydd office balcony. 11.10 The X Factor. Christ help us all. 12.50 The X Factor Results. See 11.10. 1.20 Jonathan Dimbleby including ITV News and Weather. Have they really employed Jonathan to just introduce the sodding news and weather? What a blag.

Clearly ITV1 have more money than sense, they could do with spending it on that incest talk show the beeb have snapped up.

2.15 ITV Wales News and Weather 2.20 Waterfront 2.50 World Rally Championship 3.50 Britain's Best Back Gardens 4.20 Britain's Best Back Gardens. 4.50 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeepressing.

5.50 Wales on the Move.

Rumours are that it’s moving to just off the coast of Cuba. Should be a bit sunnier then hey? Bring on the cigars rolled on the thighs of Cuban virgins. Totally illegal in the States of course.

Gutted.6.20 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV News; Weather 6.50 Emmerdale 7.20 Creature Comforts 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat. The End of the Road 9.00 Jericho. To Murder and Create 11.00 ITV News. 11.10 The South Bank Show 0.10 Mosque 1.10 Faith and Music 1.50 Motorsport UK 2.30 World Sport 2.55 Breaking the Magician's Code 5 3.45 The Jeremy Kyle Show 4.40 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

R

6:00am: Cbeebies 6:20 Fimbles 6:45 Clifford the Big Red Dog. Communist TV show aimed at ankle biting little Russian tikes.

Enjoying repeats on the BBC due to the corporations cost cutting measures aimed at going digital.

Stock footage anyone? 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes. That rubbish from DJ Sammy. 7:10 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 7:30 Smile. Go on, smile. It could be worse, whatever it is, have a look at your watch, does it say you’ve been in work for 17hrs? Nope, thought not.

Although if it does, i apologise.

We should get together for a drink sometime. Shhhhh. 10:00 Sunday Style 11:30 Property People Shorts 12:00pm: A Marriage of Convenience 1:30 Sunday Grandstand 1:35 European Wheelchair Rugby Championship 1:45 Gymnastics 3:15 Racing: Breeders' Cup 3:45 Rugby League 4:50 Inside Rome 5:00 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. Incest, it’s everywhere you know. 5:30 Wild. I’ll say, did you see the people in Rubber Duck? Mental. 6:10 Natural World 7:00 Top of the Pops 7:35 Malcolm in the Middle 8:00 Best of Top Gear 9:00 Girls and Boys: Sex and British Pop 10:00 Egyptian Journeys with Dan Cruickshank 10:30 Match of the Day 2. After my early honours even experience with the NTL phone line, I bring my ‘A-game’ to the table in the form of speaker phone. Ha! Now i can stay on hold all fucking day, victory will be mine i say, MINE! 11:15 Arrested Development 11:35 Bob's Weekend 1:05am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone 3:00 Webwise for Business 4:00 Webwise for Business 5:00 Switched On. Or off.

Make It Big Rover: The Long Goodbye ITV2 1.25am five 8pm

PRIMETIME

Gremlins 2 ITV1 6.05pm

P

6:00am: Breakfast. Usually I make use of some toast and marmalade in a bid to satisfy my morning cravings for food.

Following this is usually a cup of tea, or perhaps coffe. Then I finish off with a slice of cold pizza in the gair rhydd office from the night before. I LIVE up here. 7:35 Match of the Day. Me Vs the automated call system at NTL, all i want to do is cancel the sodding contract. Damn you to eternal damnation insanely cheerful lady and chronicly bad beepy music. 9:00 Sunday AM 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:00 Countryfile. Like a paedophile, except with sexual cravings for the countryside. Often found crounching in hedgerows, hunched double and looking furtive. Apparently one so called ‘countryfile’ has been arrested for molesting the Brecon Beacons during a four month period in 1998. 12:00pm: The Politics Show 1:00 Keeping Up Appearances 1:35 Diagnosis Murder 2:20 EastEnders 4:15 Points of View 4:30 Bleak House 5:30 Songs of Praise 6:15 Bleak House 6:45 Antiques Roadshow. Featuring the glorious return of Noel Edmonds (see TV front page for the best montage in the history of the world) to TV. Minus Blobby, Noel looks set to rock it once again in his new series. 7:35 BBC News 8:00 Rocket Man. My housemate after a questionable cocktail of Redbull, beer, vodka and kebab. Sigh. 9:00 Egypt 10:00 BBC News 10:15 Panorama 11:00 Life or Something like It 12:45am: Sign Zone. Featuring the exit sign from junction 19 of the M5 sharing its views on congestion. 1:15 Sign Zone 1:45 Sign Zone 2:45 Joins BBC News 24.

P R I M E T I M E

029 20229977

Life or Something Like It BBC1 11pm

P R I M E T I M E

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 THE HOOBS: Crying 06:35 THE HOOBS: Bells 07:00 TRANSWORLD SPORT 08:00 THUNDER RACING AT THE ROCK 08:30 FREESPORTS ON 4: Kitesurfing 08:55 HIT40UK 09:25 HOLLYOAKS 09:55 HOLLYOAKS 10:25 HOLLYOAKS 11:00 HOLLYOAKS 11:30 HOLLYOAKS 12:00 THE SIMPSONS: Dead Putting Society 12:30 YR WYTHNOS 13:00 ROWND A ROWND 13:30 ROWND A ROWND 14:00 THE SIMPSONS: Bart vs. Thanksgiving 14:25 THE F WORD 15:30 DUDLEY 16:00 CWPWRDD DILLAD16:30 04 WAL 17:00 WELSH IN A WEEK 17:30 NEWYDDION 17:35 POBOL Y CWM OMNIBWS 19:30 Y CLWB RYGBI: CWPAN HEINEKEN 20:30 DECHRAU CANU DECHRAU CANMOL 21:00 EMYN ROC A RÔL 21:45 NEWYDDION 21:55 BLAS Y CYNFYD 22:25 FILM: AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER 00:10 FILM: MAXIMUM RISK02:00 TOP TEN TV: CAMP POP 03:30 PLAYSTATION FREESOM WEEKENDER 04:25 MORGAN & PLATELL 04:50 DIWEDD/CLOSE I’m shouting.

Five Minute Fun

October 24 2005

Page 31

ruiningyourlectures@gairrhydd.com

SU DOKU:

WAKE UP...

?

When I recovered from my insomnia (turned out there was too much dairy in my diet) I was troubled.

Suddenly, I couldn’t be annoyed by something I’d always been annoyed by. I lamented my predicament - my new line is ‘I don’t mind nappers so long as they don’t do it near me’. It makes me uncomfortable; someone who’s asleep isn’t in control of their actions.

My friend Stephen’s a prime example of why that’s a bad thing.

He only has to sit down to fall asleep. Superficially that’s fine (yeah, and so is Communism). But he drools, snores (louder than bombs) and fondles his crotch. I don’t want to be watching the news while he’s having a sex fantasy.

Tragically, when I tell him to go away, he says he’s too tired to move

The Big Quiz THIS WEEK: EAT 7 APPLES

1. What percentage of the World’s mobile phone users have interrupted sex to answer a phone call?

A: B: C: D:

10% 12% 14% 16%

2. What, when she was studying at Cambridge, was Rachel Weisz’s nickname?

A: Big Nose B: The Trinity Hall hear tbreaker

and it starts all over.

I was having an argument with another friend about naps. He was, given my zero-tolerance, calling me a fundamentalist and a fascist. I beg to differ. I can’t think of anything more fascistic (actually I can, but you know...) than dominating a space with your bodies unconscious whim and that’s what you fidgety loud nappers are doing.

Oh, and another thing. People who nap noisily on being told they do ALWAYS say “no I don’t”. How the fuck would they know? Although the terrifying non-logic that is ‘I don’t know about it so it didn’t happen’ isn’t surprising.

Colm Loughlin

C: The girl who’d be good in shit films D: Thunder thighs 3. Who just won the Noble prize for literature?

A: B: C: D:

Zadie Smith Julian Barnes Bruce Anderson Harold Pinter

HOW TO PLAY SU DOKU:

Fill in the grid using only the numbers 1 through 9. All the vertical and horizontal rows should contain the numbers 1-9. All the smaller 3x3 squares should contain the numbers 1-9. No row or 3x3 square should have the same number twice.

CROSSWORD:

4. What does baladeering mentalist Sinead O’Connor’s brother Joe do for a living?

A: B: C: D:

He’s a chef He’s a priest She doesn’t have a brother He’s a writer

5. How tall was Abraham Lincoln?

A: B: C: D:

6’ 6’ 6’ 6’

5” 6” 1” 0”

answers: 1.C, 2.B, 3.D, 4.C

I

have a deep set aversion to naps and nappers. My reasoning over the years has evolved.

Initially I was just annoyed by the inactivity - if my parents were asleep I’d have to sit around being bored.

Then in my middle-teens, when I was flirting with insomnia, I took it as an affront to my condition: Nothing could be more smug, selfsatisfied and unthinking than drifting off whenever the fancy took. I did, however, manage to contrive the above scenario as a positive reflection on me. I couldn’t sleep because I was profound, intense and thoughtful - too concerned with the World’s woes. Everyone else was a nihilist, charging amorally through the day and sleeping sound whenever they damn well pleased.

HALL OF SHAME A

s the gair rhydd Hall of Shame begins to gather momentum there are rumors around the office of another page being added just to showcase your bad behaviour.

Keep snapping yourselves in compramising positions and text your pics in to the office on the number below.

Looks cute now, wait ‘till it sings.

Too dirty to clean his act up.

Text 07791

165 837

Pushed forward into plates shortly after this picture.

Discovered mirrors eh?

Whole new meaning to ‘dog between your legs’.

ACROSS

DOWN

8 Cross-bred hunting dog (7) 9 South American beast of burden (5) 10 Small jazz band (5) 11 Hobbling (7) 12 Branding is disgraceful (12) 16 Singly (12) 20 Obtained by devious means (7) 23 Arrive by plane (3,2) 24 Skin disease of animals (5) 25 Exhausted (7)

1 Thin piece (5) 2 Gave a reminder to (8) 4 Spoken exam (4) 5 Former scholars (6) 7 Traveller’s cases (7) 13 Give support to (3) 14 Embedding (8) 15 Tepees (7) 17 Regulating devices (6) 18 Breach of the peace (6) 19 Insinuatingly derogatory (5) 21 Cloistered women (4) 22 Fathers (4)

Jobs & Money

Page 32

October 24 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Interview etiquette Jobs and Money explore the DOs and DON’Ts of interview technique.

By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor

C

ast aside any worries about grades, work experience or whether you did enough extra-curricular activities to appear a ‘well-balanced’ enough person.

According to experts the key element to interview success can be summed up in one word: attitude.

Remember, there will probably be plenty of competitors with the ability to do the job you are applying for, but it is the way you conduct yourself at interview that will set you apart from the rest of the crowd.

Your attitude is often what recruiters will remember when the dust has settled after interviewing ten, twenty or even a hundred applicants for the job.

They will be looking for people who have the attitude of wanting to do their

very best for the company, are focused on the company’s needs and appear confident in their abilities.

Remember that employers are not just looking for people who can carry out the basic tasks of a job (although this is obviously a priority!). They are also looking for people they feel they can get on with and who will interact well with the other staff.

Follow the steps below to interview success!

By Gillian Roberts Jobs and Money Correspondent

SMILE A GENUINE SMILE goes a long way. Avoid copying the 'Cheshire Cat' (who from memory is confusing and slightly freaky). This association may go against you.

CONFIDENCE DON’T DEMONSTRATE a weak handshake. Strong, firm and direct is good, although it is advisable not to harm the interviewer. Just take it easy or copy their handshake.

A genuine smile goes a long way.

Avoid being the Cheshire cat, who from memory is confusing and freaky.

PRESENTATION THE CHESHIRE CAT: Not the best role-model for interviewees

BE TIDY and presentable.

No jeans and not ‘that skirt which helped you pull ‘that third year.’

Sounds obvious but not everyone takes it on board.

Black trousers with a white shirt would be perfect, with accessories to suit your personal style.

A strong, firm handshake is good, although it is advisable not to harm the interviewer.

TAKE ALONG a CV, even if they do not ask for one. If you’re really eager, type up answers to questions you think they may ask you. This will show you have taken the time to prepare some answers and gives the impression you are dedicated to the job.

EYE CONTACT MAINTAINING eye contact will demonstrate confidence and ensure the interviewer is relaxed in your presence. Try not to stare at them, though.

Winking is also not permitted.

Flirtation may be used as a final resort, although is not advised.

BODY LANGUAGE AVOID CROSSING your arms during the interview, as this gives a closed and defensive impression of yourself. Open up arms or rest them together on legs. Sit relaxed with feet together pointing towards the interviewer, giving the impression you are focused on them and interested in what they are saying.

FINALLY, relax. They want you as much as you need them.

And, even if you don’t get the job it’s all good practice.

RELAX: interviews don’t have to be scary

Jobs & Money

October 24 2005

Page 33

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Attention all wannabe media tarts

Swydd/Job:

Retail Support Representative

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff Area

Tal/Wage:

£7.50 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

Oriau/Hours:

Saturdays/Sundays

Parhad/Duration: Summer 2006

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing

Manylion/Details: Security company providing

Manylion/Details: Working in local computer

Swydd/Job: Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage:

By H. H. Kitchener Jobs & Money Reporter

S

ome of you may have missed it, but Wednesday was the scene of another careers fair.

For third years the panic of realising our lazy lifestyles are coming to an end is a tremendous amount of nonfun. For those of you sitting on your arses reading this thinking about getting a job in the media that panic should be double that of everyone else.

As unfair as it seems, anyone wishing to be a journalist or a broadcaster who hasn't done any work experience yet better get their arse in gear.

Competition just to get an interview for Cardiff's renowned media diplomas is intense and we were told that

anyone who hadn't shown much desire to be a journalist at this point had better buck their ideas up. Note: The BBC get around 3,000 applications for EVERY JOB. So, anyone who wants to be a journalist and hasn't already started writing, I say to thee: Look at this page.

Who do you think writes this stuff?

We're far from professional (too far to be honest) COME AND WRITE FOR US! If you have vague dreams of reporting for the BBC, come and write some news. Sign up for Xpress Radio go and work for a week at your local rag. It's now or never kids * no-one's going to give you a job on the basis of reading Heat magazine.

See you soon.

Event Security Staff for 2006 £5.25 per hour

stewards and security personnel

superstores representing Canon.

to the entertainment industry

Must have local retail & sales

needs staff for summer 2006.

experience and be a car owner.

Please ask for details.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

041

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

042

Swydd/Job:

Plate Waiting Staff

Swydd/Job:

Part Time Support Worker

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff Area

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£5+ per hour

Tal/Wage:

£13,458-£17,469 (pro rata)

Oriau/Hours:

Various shifts

Oriau/Hours:

20 hours per week

Parhad/Duration: 8-23 December

Parhad/Duration: 8-23 December / Ongoing

Manylion/Details: Staff required for Christmas

Manylion/Details: Part time support worker

party nights. Must have experi

required to work with people

ence of plate waiting or confer

with learning disabilities. You

ence & banqueting.

should have (or be willing to undertake) NVQ level II and a full driving licence.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

MORGAN: Didn’t work at gair rhydd

Owner Drivers Required Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff.

■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

043

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

044

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Page 34

s g n i t Lis

Recommended listings@gairrhydd.com

The ‘can’t leave home without it’ gair This Week: An ex-Irish priest, student freebies at a Pick e of th k Wee

Bloc Party

@ SU Mon 26 Sept 7pm / £13.50 Curitz recommends

E

qually inspired by Sonic Youth, Joy Division, Gang of Four and The Cure, London art-punkers Bloc Party mix angular sonics with pop structures.

Bloc Party consists of singer/guitarist Kele Okereke, guitarist Russell Lissack, bassist/singer Gordon Moakes, and drummer Matt Tong. The band was formerly known as Angel Range and Union before settling on Bloc Party (definately the better choice).

Okereke and Lissack met each other through mutual friends at the Reading Festival, and discovered that they had musical tastes as well as friends in common.

Tong and Moakes soon joined their collaboration, and under the name Union, the quartet issued a demo in early 2003; later that year, they switched their name to Bloc Party.

Ardal O’Hanlon

Four Tet

@ The Point

@ St. David’s Hall

Wed 26 Oct 7.30pm / £17.50

Schmit recommends

W

hether it’s the bumbling stupidity of Irish priest Father Dougal, the lycraclad antics of George Sunday (AKA Thermoman), or one of his many other TV appearances, one thing’s for sure; Ardal O’Hanlon will have made you laugh at some time your life. Hard.

Ardal began his career as a comedian while at Dublin University where he got together with two fellow university students, Barry Murphy and Kevin Gildea, to form the comedy troupe Mr Trellis.

They established The Comedy Cellar, Ireland's first alternative

COMING U P

Thur 27 Oct 7pm / Sold Out comedy club, in the upstairs room of The International Bar in Dublin.

In 1994 Ardal won the Comedy Newcomer Of The Year competition, and along with his stand-up performances he managed to catch the eye of the genius comedy scriptwriter, Graham Lineham.

Ardal won the role of the innocent but extremely daft Father Dougal McGuire and his career has gone from strength to strength since.

Of course to a younger generation, Ardal will probably be known notably for his role in My Hero as Thermoman. The series is popular with kids and adults alike and has filled the BBC’s prime time slots for years.

October 24 2005

However there is far more to the man than meets the eye, with these aforementioned appearances being only a small part of his life. Ardal, a supporter of the Aisling Project (which helps reunite families in Ireland, many of who have been broken up and spent years living in poverty on the streets of London), has also carried out a lot of work for charities, as well as taking some time out to write a novel (who said comedians couldn’t write novels!?).

Ardal really is a multi-talented comedian, and I doubt tonight will include an Irish priest or a superhero. You really would be one hell of a Father Dougal though if you were to miss out on this. It’s not too late to get a ticket.

Schmit recommends

K

ieren Hebden (AKA Four Tet) has been very busy. In his 25 years he has released eight albums, creating a melange where an ethnic-electronic sound blends with hip-hop production techniques, and lush samples are arranged with neo-classical elegance.

What makes him so special? Well he does this armed only with a Renualt Clio, and two laptops.

He has also participated in solo projects as Four Tet and some with his band Fridge.

In the past 2 years he has been to almost every country worth visiting and has worked with almost every

The group's demo and early concerts began to attract attention from both the press and their peers; Okereke sent a copy of the demo to Franz Ferdinand, who invited them to play at the Domino Tenth Anniversary bash in fall 2003. (If I send them a demo, do you think they’d invite me?)

Early the following year, the band released one of the demo's tracks, "She's Hearing Voices" as a single on Trash Aesthetics. A few months later, Banquet/Staying Fat arrived on Moshi Moshi.

That spring, Bloc Party signed to Wichita to release their full-length album in the U.K., and to Dim Mak for U.S. distribution.

The band spent summer 2004 recording and touring. Late that summer, Bloc Party, which collected the band's first two singles, arrived in the States.

Their debut album Silent Alarm appeared early in 2005 and was released by Vice Records in the States to widespread acclaim. Later that year, Silent Alarm Remixed capitalised on the band's burgeoning popularity.

This is the second time that the band will be playing live at the SU, and with their massive recent success, this year’s gig promises to be even bigger and better than last year’s phenomenon.

Unfortunately the gig is sold out, but the band will be back with a new album in the near future.

artist you'd want to.

As part of Fridge he has hit the road with Radiohead in Spain and Portugal and toured the United States of America with the mighty Super Furry Animals.

As Four Tet he has toured Europe on a grand scale (including his Ibiza debut) and visited the States again for Coldcut's Solid Steel US DJ tour.

However that’s not it. He also did a tour of Brazil with Madlib and was in attendance at the massive Benicassim festival in Spain.

While all of this was occurring Fourtet was writing and producing his third album.

His debut solo album was Dialogue and it focused on free jazz, soul and funk. Pause, Hebden's second album, served to "…kick off the folktronic trend with its psychfolk and pastoral acid rock loveliness."

So therefore it's safe to say he's covered a fair bit of ground. In contrast, his third album, Rounds, which was released earlier this year and was described as the album in which he really came into his own.

I won’t rant about getting a ticket as it’s sold out.

Next time though.

Martha Wainwright - Thur 3 Nov @ SU ... Motorhead - Thur 3 Nov @ SU ... Bloodhound Gang - Sat 5 Nov @ SU ... Harry Hill - Sun 6 Nov @ Millennium Centre ... Roots Unearthed: World Rhythms - Sun 6 Nov @ St. David’s Hall ... Dizzee Rascal - Thurs 10 Nov @ SU ... Bob Geldof: The Man , The Songs, The Stories - Fri 11 Nov @ St. David’s Hall ... Taste Of Chaos Tour: The Used, Funeral For A Friend - Sat 12 Nov @ C.I.A ... Starsailor - Sun 13 Nov @ SU ... Franz Ferdinand - Mon 14 Nov @ C.I.A ... Bass Invaders 4: Roni Size, Dynamite MC, Pendulum - Sat 19 Nov @ SU ... GLC / The Automatic - 25 Nov @ Bridgend Rec ... Jem - Tues 29 Nov @ SU ...

October 24 2005

Day By Day

Page 35

listings@gairrhydd.com

rhydd listings with Schmit and Curitz top shop, a not so neat DJ and err... Vivaldi.

Monday24/10

Tuesday25/10

Pick Of The Day Live @ SU Bloc Party. This mighty fine band have sold out, but if you have a ticket then do go. If not, then why not have your own block party at home. Listings recommends Duplo, or that Jenga game. 7pm. £13.50.

Pick Of The Day Comedy Club @Seren Las, SU Will Hodgson / James Dowdeswell (Double Headline Bill).Not for the faint hearted, incontinent or humourless among us, The Comedy Network have provided a laugh a penny as the best of British humour comes to Cardiff. 8-11pm. £4 NUS.

X Factory @ The Taf X-press DJs. 9pm-1am FREE Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. 8.45pm. £2/£1 if you perform.

Live @ Barfly Kentucky AFC / Kill the Young / The Bleaches. KAFC cleaned up at the last Welsh Music Awards, and The Bleaches have supported the Automatic a couple of times. 7.30pm. £5.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Happiness / Fake Bad News / The Is. Despite citing their main influences as The Beatles, Bowie and The Libertines, nobody as yet has managed to neatly pin-down their unique sound. 8pm. £5.

Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Robot Rock @ Barfly The Barfly provides an alternative clubbing experience, and with them giving you the opportunity to sample its nightlife for free for a night, it’s an opportunity that you should definitely take. 10.30pm. £3 Mayhem! @ Bar Continental (Mill Lane) You know what it might just be. Student night with many drinks promotions. Not sure of times and prices. If you know, tell me. I’ll give you a backrub*.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50.

Live @ Barfly The Modern/ Bliszko / The Strand. 7.30pm. £5.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Engerica. Their sound has been described as ear blistering and the sound of the end of the world. 8pm. £7.50 Live @ Sherman Theatre Shobana Jeyasingh Dance Company Combines contemporary dance with elements from the Indian classical dance form to produce highly compelling and energetic performances. 7.30pm. £11.50 NUS

Friday28/10

Saturday29/10

Fat Friday @Solus, SU It’s a revamped Lashtastic. That’s FAT, not PHAT. If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4.

Mad4It! @Barfly Every Friday Night at Cardiff Barfly join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors and much much more. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Blues Dragon Club @ Cafe Jazz 9.30pm £3.

Forecast & Beneath The Surface @ Clwb Ifor Bach Scout Niblett / Shooting At Unarmed Men / Ill Ease. Scout Niblett reduces audiences around the world to jibbering wrecks with the sheer force of her performances. 7.30pm £6.

Live @ Barfly The Crimea / The Heights / Smokehead. What goes on in Davey Macmanus' head is not always so pretty, but as frontman for The Crimea, he turns it into beautiful and sweeping rock'n'roll.7.30pm. £5.

The Mad The Bad & The Dangerous @ Coal Exchange (Cardiff Bay) The Hamsters / Wilko Johnson / John Otway.7.30pm Pick Of The Day Comedy @ Jongeurs Alex Boardman / Shappi Khorsandi / Steve Hughes / Tom Stade. The full Jongleurs experience: eat, drink, laugh, dance. 7pm. £8

Pick Of The Day Live @ SU Mr Scruff. A rather marvellous DJ. 9pm. £10adv.

Come Play @Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul, fun, and Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a saturday.

9pm - 2am.

Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) £4/3 10pm – 2.30am Live @ Barfly Johnathan Rice / Eileen Rose / Four Day Hombre. Johnathan Rice is at the forefront of the current renaissance in acoustic singersongwriters and has been compared to some of the genre’s greatest heroes, from Bob Dylan to Ryan Adams. 7.30pm. £6.

Comedy @ Jongeurs The same line-up as Friday. 7pm. £8 The Four Seasons by Candlelight @ St.David’s Hall Vivaldi's masterpiece is back by popular demand. 7.30pm. £11.50.

SoulTogetherness @Tafod, Riverbank Hotel CornerPocketSoul DJs vs. Miss Brown DJs. 8pm-1am / £5 on the door.

Wednesday26/10

Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. Need I say anymore? Thought not.10pm. £3.

Indie Kids Die In Hot Bars @ The Barfly Featuring the latest and greatest new music, live acts and guest DJ’s. The team behind Fly Swatter bring you Indie Kids Die in Hot Bars.

10.30pm. £4 Wednesdays @ Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Traffic @The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.

8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS. Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music- rawkus 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3.

Live @ Barfly WhoKilledFrank (formerly Frank)/ Dirty Looks / Cellar Door. Ok it was me. Come arrest me.7.30pm. £4.

Live Music @ Hard Rock Cafe At least if it’s shit you can drink until it’s good.

8pm Ardal O’Hanlon @ St. David’s Hall See facing page for further details.

Pick Of The Day Student Night @ Topshop I’ve been to this the last two years in a row. You need to get a (FREE) ticket in advance, and then you get free drinks, and free stuff if you buy anything (however cheap it is!) 6pm. FREE. Godspell@New Theatre Extremely popular 1970s rock opera, featuring a groundbreaking treatment of the teachings of Jesus, based on St Matthew's Gospel. TuesThurs. 7.30pm £7.50 Lee Evans @ CIA Lee Evans embarks on his biggest ever British tour. For info call CIA box office.

Sunday30/10

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case the wrong ones.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3s and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Live @ Barfly Attack and Defend, Angie and the Bear, We Are Trees. Sunday afternoon acoustic session. 1pm. £4.

Live @Barfly Mando Diao / Diamond Nights / Armstrong.

Sweden, the country of origin of this garageretro-pop quartet is renound for its icy cool exports.These black leather jacket clad chaps are equally smooth. Already having made a big fuzz all over Europe, Japan and America over the past 6 years, they are finally arriving on the island to grace us with their catchy, fuzzy melodic rock'n'roll. 7.30pm. £6.

Live @ St. David’s Hall Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel: The Quality of Mercy Tour 2005. To celebrate the 30th Anniversary of one of the most-played singles in British broadcasting history - Make Me Smile, Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel are set for a run on UK concerts. Steve Harley has released 10 original albums in a career which started in 1973. 7.30pm. £14.

Pick Of The Day Hip Hound Lounge @ CF10 The Heavy Quartet are not a Quartet. But they are Heavy. Formed in 1983 The Heavy Quartet have since remained a major feature of the South Wales music scene and we are very happy to be welcoming to The Hip Hound Lounge a new seven–piece incarnation of the band (as opposed to the 12 member line-up of recent times). It will cost you three shiny pieces of gold. 8pm. £3 (£2 Jazz Soc).

Thursday27/10

Devious @ Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese.

Does exactly what it says on the tin, with drinks being cheaper than a bag of McCains. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night.

And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late.

8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Pick Of The Day Saturday Night Fever@ Millenium Centre The disco never stops! Saturday Night Fever struts effortlessly from screen to stage in this musical version of the film that launched John Travolta's career. With classic tracks such as 'Stayin' Alive' and 'Jive Talking' keeping your feet tapping and your fingers snappin, who could resist?! £10£29.

Live @ Barfly Julia Harris / Nick Hall / Matthew Hitt. Julia Harris is rapidly making a name for herself on the acoustic circuit. Arguments rein over whether she is 'urban acoustic' or 'f**k-off-folk', but trying to categorise Julia's approach is really missing the point.7.30pm. £5.

Live @ The Point (Cardiff Bay) Check the facing page for further details.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Joya. 8pm.

Night Must Fall @ Sherman Theatre But why so early? This is a psychological thriller which takes audiences on a chilling journey into the mind of a murderer. 7.30pm. £13.50.

Tommy Allen's Trafficker@Blues Dragon Club, Gower Hotel Formed by one of the best young blues guitarists in the country, Trafficker are quickly gaining a big reputation as one of the best new bands on the circuit.8.45pm. £5-£6.

VENUES

Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com

IMG Sport

24 October 2005

Page 37

sport@gairrhydd.com

THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST Cardiff B-rush aside SAWSA IMG NETBALL TABLES ROUND 1 IMG Netball Pos

Group One P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Socsi A

1

1

0

0

11

3

2 English Society

1

1

0

0

9

3

3 Pharmacy

1

1

0

0

6

3

4 Medics A

1

1

0

0

5

3

5 Stringfellows A

1

0

0

1

-5

0

6 Medics B

1

0

0

1

-6

0

7 Socsi B

1

0

0

1

-9

0

8 Christian Union

1

0

0

2

-11

0

IMG Netball Pos

Group Two P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Cardiff B

1

1

0

0

19

3

2 Law B

1

1

0

0

10

3

3 Chem soc

1

1

0

0

4

3

4 Optometry*

1

1

0

0

16

0

5 German Society

1

0

0

1

-4

0

6 Dynamo Tigers

1

0

0

1

-10

0

7 Engin

1

0

0

1

-16

0

8 SAWSA

1

0

0

2

-19

0

* Deducted 3 pts for not having umpire who completed Q award

By Esther Hunting IMG Netball Reporter

As champions of last year, Cardiff Uni awaited their first game of the season with great trepidation and excitement.

With the distribution of nonsuccessful Busa players to all teams this year, there was no telling of how teams would perform.

Cardiff dominated play in the first half thanks to an excellent display of skill and passing in the centre court by Jemma Crane and Tori Austin.

The defence did their utmost to hold the team together, with

the ball scarcely coming their way. Defenders Imma Stone and Chloe Gallagher kept their concentration at all times and displayed almighty skill with constant interceptions.

Cardiff ’s Zoe Roberts maximised this effort by ensuring the Sawsa shooters got hardly any possession. Down in the shooting area for Cardiff, Kelly Whittaker demonstrated great movement in and out of the circle.

In the second half, Cardiff continued to score at regular intervals before SAWSA grabbed two consolation goals.

SAWSA put up a strong fight throughout, but their marking was not up to scratch. Despite the one-sided result, both teams showed a good team spirit.

IMG Football Fixtures:

IMG Football Results:

CARDIFF B secured a crushing 21-2 victory against SAWSA in the first round of this year’s IMG netball competition.

Japsoc Law A AFC Euros Zoology

8-0 4-0 2-1 3-1

Real Madras Cardiff Uni Automotive Psycho Ath.

Gym Gym v AFC Cathays Inter Me-Nan v Economics Myg Myg v Real Havanna Card Dragons v Chemsoc

Chemsoc AFC Cathays Economics Real Havanna

2-1 4-1 7-2 3-3

Gym Gym Inter Me-Nan Myg Myg Card Dragons

Hurricanes v Dynamo Cen AFC Momed v Plan’kos Architecture v Ab Fantastic Pharm AC v Arse’Alona

Arse’alona Dynamo Cen Plan’kos Ab Fantastic

5-1 1-2 1-6 3-2

Hurricanes AFC Momed Architecture Pharm AC

Dental Utd v JOMEC Euros Lang v AFC History Law B v Locomotive Carbs v English Soc

Locomotive English Soc AFC History Euros Lang

3-2 4-1 3-0 8-2

Carbs Dental Utd Law B JOMEC

Real Madras v Law A Cardiff Uni v AFC Euros Automotive v Zoology Psycho Ath. v Japsoc

AND THE REST IS HISTORY

By John Dunster IMG Football Reporter

Photo by Adam Gasson

AFC HISTORY put their season back on track with a comprehensive 3-0 victory over Law B in Group 4.

Both teams started brightly in midfield but it was the Historians who were on top for the first half-hour.

Strikers Adam Weatherley and Keiran Kelly stunned Law with some clinical finishing.

The breakthrough came on ten minutes after some good build-up play saw Weatherley volley home from 20 yards.

A midfield battle ensued as Law began to look dangerousdown the flanks. But their attacks either came to nothing or were snuffed out by the History rearguard.

History added a second in the 19th minute when captain Kelly tapped in a Weatherley shot which the Law keeper could only parry.

SQUEEZE ME: History celebrate

Despite being 2-0 down, Law increased the tempo and gained the upper-hand in midfield.

But during this passage of play, Law only managed to create one meaningful chance.

Unfortuantely for them, History goalkeeper Yiannis Panayiotopoulos denied the lively Law lone striker from point blank range.

History completed the scoring on 39 minutes thanks to the superb exploits ofWeatherley.

With the Law defence in disarray, the History marksman executed a delightful lob over the hapless Law keeper.

Against the second-half wind, History reverted to a 4-51 formation designed to keep the ball and shut up shop.

The game became far more equal as both sides were guilty of missing chances. But Law failed to capitalise and the rest is history.

A disappointing result and performance will leave Law asking some serious questions in training, whilst a moraleboosting win will maintain History’s Premiership ambition.

IMG Netball Fixtures: Sat 22 Oct Economics v String’llows B Gym Gym v Carbs A Pharmacy A v Law A Cardiff A v Carbs B

Wed 26 Oct German Soc v Cardiff B Optometry v Dynamo Tigers Engin Girls v Law B Chemsoc v SAWSA Pharmacy A v Cardiff A Economics v Gym Gym String’llows B v Carbs A Law A v Carbs B

IMG Netball Results:

IMG FOOTBALL ROUND 2 TABLES IMG Football Pos

P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Zoology

2

2

0

0

9

6

2 Japsoc

2

1

0

1

4

3

3 Law A

2

1

0

1

3

3

4 Automotive

2

1

0

1

2

3

5 AFC Euros

2

1

0

1

0

3

6 Cardiff Uni

2

1

0

1

0

0

7 Psycho Athletico

2

1

0

1

-1

0

8 Real Madras*

2

0

0

2

-15

-3

IMG Football Pos

Christ Union Socsi B Medics B String’llows A

Chemsoc 7 - 3 German Soc Cardiff B 21 - 2 SAWSA Engin Girls 2 - 18 Optometry Law B 14 - 4 Dynamo Tigers

TEAMS OF THE WEEK

FOOTBALL: Japsoc for a top-drawer 8-0 victory after losing their first game.

NETBALL: Cardiff B have started where they left off last season with yet another win.

Group Two P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Economics

2

2

0

0

9

6

2 Chem Soc

2

2

0

0

5

6

3 AFC Cathays

2

1

0

1

2

3

4 Gym Gym

2

1

0

1

1

3

5 Myg Myg

2

1

0

1

-4

0

6 Real Havana

2

0

1

1

-2

1

7 Cardiff Dragons

2

0

1

1

-4

1

8 Inter Me-Nan

2

0

0

2

-7

0

IMG Football Pos

Group Three P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 FC Arse’Alona

2

2

0

0

5

6

2 Architecture

2

1

1

0

4

3

3 Pharm AC

2

1

0

1

4

3

4 Dynam Cen

2

1

0

1

0

1

5 Abs Fantastic*

2

1

1

0

1

1

6 Hurricanes

2

0

1

1

-4

1

7 Momed*

2

1

0

1

0

0

8 Planathinaikos

2

0

0

2

-10

0

IMG Football Pos

Socsi A 14 - 3 English Soc 14 - 5 Pharmacy B 12 - 6 Medics A 9 - 4

Group One

Group Four P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Locomotive

2

2

0

0

9

6

2 Euros Languages*

2

2

0

0

7

3

3 English Society

2

1

0

1

2

3

4 AFC History

2

1

0

1

2

3

5 Law B

2

1

0

1

0

3

6 Carbs

2

1

0

1

0

3

7 JOMEC

2

0

0

2

-9

0

8 Dental Utd

2

0

0

2

-11

0

* Deducted 3 points for failure to attend meetings

Sport

October 24 2005

Page 39

sport@gairrhydd.com

GALLIANT GIRLS GUTTED Cardiff 42 - Brunel 43

C

ardiff firsts started their season on Wednesday afternoon with a thrilling and gallant defeat to Brunel.

The game was played at a frenetic pace all the way through. Cardiff started brighter and scored quickly, but by the end Brunel were pushing the ball around better and taking their chances in front of the net more frequently. The score at the end of the firstquarter was 13-9 to Brunel and was a fair reflection of the play.

The Cardiff team swapped their playing positions after the first quarter in an effort to reduce the deficit, although it was the Brunel team who seemed to forget where they were playing over stepping the line more frequently. That added to the larger quantity of contact fouls by the visitors gave a lot of possession to Cardiff throughout the game.

However it was to no avail in the second quarter as the home side failed to get the ball to the GS and GA often enough, and when it got there shooter Sophie Vaughn was struggling in front of the net By the time half time came Cardiff trailed 28-17 after a poor quarter. The Cardiff team were clearly feeling under pressure during half time and

AU PRESIDENT’S

PHOTO: Sarah Day

By Paul Hunt Sport Reporter

COLUMN

O SHOOT OUT: 4th quarter comeback not quite enough it took some calm words from Captain Carys Jenkins to stop the panic. The third quarter started much the same as the second had ended with too many passes going astray, but it was soon to change.

Vaughn seemed to conquer her demons and would hardly miss for the rest of the half. Her renewed confidence spread through the team which had returned to their starting positions and they all looked more confident. Going into the 4th quarter

they had cut the deficit to six and they forged on. The Brunel team seemed to deflate under the pressure and Cardiff led in the most frantic period of the game.

The opposition resorted to fouling to try to keep the score in check and couldn’t relieve the pressure as their attacks couldn’t get their hands on it.

With a minute to go Cardiff were one behind and a misplaced pass over the head of Vaughn was probably their last chance to win it. Brunel went up

the other end and scored quickly, and although Cardiff got another with the last touch of the game it was too late.

They lost 43-4, winning the last quarter 14-9.

Jenkins said afterwards that she was pleased with the second half performance and was obviously disappointed to lose a game like that. Too do well this season they need more of the determination of the second half and less of the capitulation of the first.

Skipper shines for RAMPANT CARDIFF Cardiff Footballers CRUSH MARJONS

By Matthew Turtle Football Reporter

Cardiff 1st XI 3 - UWE 2

C

ARDIFF WON through in a battling encounter with league debutantes UWE in a match that saw six bookings, three penalties and no shortage of quality indispersed with some scrappy interludes.

Captain Mark Lucas was the catalyst for the triumph, being effective from set pieces, the spot and pretty much everywhere else.

Yet the match showed little sign of the drama to follow in the initial stages. Both sides contested every ball and allowed their opponents no space in which to play. With such congestion on the pitch both sides struggled to create chances against the press of bodies.

But by the half-hour mark Cardiff’s passing game came to the fore and it was beginning to seem inevitable that a goal would come from their enterprising play. What followed were two quickfire penalties at either end to keep the sides level pegging at the break.

Firstly, midfielder Ross Herrick threaded a defense-splitting pass to play in Striker James Kay who deftly touched the ball past the onrushing goalkeeper only to be brought down. Captain Mark Lucas stepped up to put Cardiff ahead but they

were caught cold immediately after the restart when the lively UWE forward, Alex Rudd, was brought down

by Goalkeeper Orral Nadjari on the edge of the six-yard box.

The second half began in much the same vein as the first with both sides struggling to retain possession for long. It was from one of these chaotic spells in the Cardiff half that UWE full back Jamie Leech was able to play in Jack Holroyd who, dropping off his marker, lashed in an angled drive to put the visitors ahead on 68 minutes.

However this time it was UWE who were caught napping as Lucas notched an equaliser moments later, turning defender Jules Bailey and creating space to score from the edge of the box.

As both sides searched for a winner, Lucas settled matters from the spot after Alex Davies was adjudged to have fouled him in the area. The striker could’ve had a fourth when he cannoned an effort against the bar in the dying moments.

Magnanimous in victory, playercoach Cole Stacey joked “Mark Lucas hatrick, distinctly average, the rest of the team was amazing”.

Elsewhere, Cardiff thirds lost 6-1 to Bath while the fourths fared better after a positive draw with UWIC thirds which could have easily been a victory had Michael Davies’s goal not been disallowed in the dying moments.

By Jon Berridge Football Reporter

Cardiff 32 - Marjons 3

T

HE CARDIFF RUGBY 1st XV began their BUSA campaign with a resounding 32-3 victory over Marjons. Having lost twice to the same opposition last season, Cardiff have issued a statement of intent to their league rivals.

Captain Tom Hockin promised a big performance from his side and viewing the early warm ups it was apparent the side looked both focused and organised to the challenge that lay ahead. In the opening exchanges of the match, the Cardiff pack held firm and repelled early Marjons pressure.

Gradually Cardiff began to settle and take control, in the eighth minute following a line out a burst from wing Jon Walder led to centre Tom Bowlls crossing the try line. Fly-half Tom Eastman duly converted the try to give Cardiff a seven nil lead. Encouraged by this early score Cardiff began to control the match and in the twentieth minute Eastman converted a penalty after sustained Cardiff pressure to extend the lead.

Iain Dick who only this year has converted to number eight from centre constantly posed the Marjons problems. He stole two lineouts and frequently got over the vantage line. It was Dick who, on the verge of half

time, made a forty-yard break from his own half. The Marjons defence became so ragged and desperate, one of their players was sin binned for constant infringements around the ruck. Prop Brad Raison then took quick tap penalty and an unstoppable drive over the line. Cardiff thoroughly deserved their seventeen-nil half time score.

After another Eastman penalty, on the hour mark Cardiff scored the try of the match. A sequence of passes after Dick’s quick pick up and Eastman’s good distribution allowed wing Dan Pollard to score in the corner to give Cardiff a deserved 25 point lead.

New coach Martin Fowler brought on a number of replacements and the fresh legs contributed to the final try of the match, aiding Captain Tom Hockin who crossed underneath the posts. A late Marjons penalty could not dampen Cardiff spirits and the team repelled late pressure to avoid conceding a try.

Having built on their impressive draw with Bath last week, Cardiff will mount a serious challenge in BUSA this season. With ball in hand the team always look threatening. Half-backs Dave Lewis and Eastman distributed quickly allowing the backs to break holes in the Marjon defence. The pack is also blessed with good ball carriers; the back row of James Cole, Iain Dick and Tom Hockin will surely pose many problems to any BUSA opposition this season.

NE AFTERNOON, 45 fixtures, followed by a capacity filled Rubber Duck - it was the day the majority of our Sports teams had been working towards - the beginning of BUSA 2005/6. Wednesdays will again take on a whole new meaning for all involved with the weekly cycle of preparation, anticipation, adrenalin, competition, celebration or commiseration.

Wednesday was a day certainly worth waiting for as Marion, Nick and myself sat in anticipation as each result came through on the AU text phone. As the results came through we knew a good night was in store for most. Before we knew it Thursday morning came and preparation cycles for this week’s fixtures were already underway.

Congratulations to the Men’s Rugby first team who hammered Plymouth Marjons 32-5.Victory was sweet for all, having lost this time last year to the same team.

Congratulations also to Medics’ Men’s Rugby who thrashed UWIC seconds 41-10. Ladies’ Hockey were also on fire, thrashing UWIC 2nds 50. Men’s AFC secured a victory against UWE 3-2 with Mark Lucas scoring a hat-trick. Golf seconds beat Plymouth 2nds 5-1 and Medics AFC beat Aberystwyth 4-2.Men’s Fencing narrowly missed out on a win against Bath. Netball firsts also narrowly missed out against Brunel with a score of 43-42.

Having spent the last three years playing netball on Wednesday afternoons, being on the other side was certainly surreal. When I was studying Wednesdays was the day I lived for and I must admit I have started to get itchy feet.

Until I started working in the AU, however, I was totally unaware of how much effort goes into overseeing more than 45 fixtures week in week out. It is a testimony to the AU that BUSA runs so smoothly. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Marion and Nick for all their hard work since term began.

Good luck to everyone whose playing this week. I will be in Talybont to cheer on the teams competing there. I would also like to encourage all interested in cheering on our teams to head down to the Talybont, Llanrumney or Pontcanna pitches and support our teams. You would not believe the difference it can make. If you don’t see me on the sidelines cheering you certainly will see me in Rubber Duck!

Spor t gair rhydd

FOOTBALL: Lucas hatrick seals 1st XI victory

RUGBY: 1st XV destroy Marjons in opening fixture

PLUS: squash, badminton, tennis, football and IMG

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BUSA first round special - Sport takes you around the venues PHOTO: Charis Simpson

GO FOURTH

By Ed Jones Sport Editor

CARDIFF 4TH XI BEAT Cardiff 3rd XI 4-2 in an enthralling encounter. Fantastic attacking play created chances at either end but the underdog fours were worthy winners.

Following the fourth team’s promotion last season, this year’s BUSA campaign began with an inter-club fixture. The game began at frantic pace, each side determined not to give the opposition any time on the ball. Thirds’ striker Jason Bell received an massive blow to the shin when challenging fours right-back Greg Jones and was taken to hospital where he received six stitches.

Soon the game settled slightly and one or two neat attacking moves were put together at either end. Ben Roberts, who was outstanding in goal for the fours, made an early save from a close range shot. Seconds later, the thirds were under pressure and conceded a short corner. Greg Jones converted with a crisp strike and gave the fours a surprise early lead.

A shell-shocked thirds continued to chase and harry their opponents but were punished once more after conceding another short

corner. This time, Greg Jones shifted the ball back from the top of the ‘D’ to injector Andy Fry who slotted home at the near post. The thirds were left distraught, 3-0 down inside 20 minutes to a rampant fourth team.

The fourths were attacking with real verve and fluency, utilising some terrific movement up-front. Matt Hartley, tremendous on the right-hand side of a midfield four was a constant threat with his pace and skill. It was Hartley who made matters worse for the thirds, beating two men before delicately lofting the ball into the corner of the net off his reverse side.

As the thirds began to exert more pressure, a series of short corners were won. Thirds captain Ollie Hildrey produced a number of threatening drag-flicks that were kept out only by more acrobatics from Ben Roberts. Eventually, Roberts failed to get a hand to a flick which ended up in the top-left corner of the net.

The thirds’ mood seemed to be changing as they sensed a shift in momentum. However, the fourths hit back immediately with the move of the game. Sam Kenwood finished with a low shot to reinstate the three-goal advantage and cap an outstanding half.

After the interval, the thirds pushed forward and again won a series of short corners. The pressure told when Alex Spyropoulos poked home from close range to bring the score to 4-2. The thirds were leaving themselves exposed at the back and centre-back John Veal, who had worked tirelessly throughout, saw yellow for a second desperate and ugly challenge. Nippy striker Anthony Merrett was troubling the thirds’ defenders and, but for a poor finish, would have netted a fifth on the counter attack.

A brilliant diving stop on the goal-line by defender Rich Foot spared the thirds on another occasion while the fourths had two goals unfortunately disallowed when the umpire failed to play the advantage. At the other end, heavy third team pressure during the middle of the second half induced some panicky defending.

Roberts was fully deserving of his Man of the Match award following a series of dazzling saves with both hands and feet.

Cardiff 4th XI captain, Alex Jones remarked: “I’m absolutely delighted to get one over on the threes. It was a fantastic effort from all of the lads. We’d all been looking forward to the game and both teams played their part in a cracking match.”

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ■ EDITORIAL DECISION TO TONE DOWN THE BLUE BAR RESPECTED BY THE WRITERS ■ FNAAAR ■ ANY MASSIVE RUGBY LADS UPSET ABOUT NOT HAVING A PHOTO, TAKE IT UP WITH THE PHOTOGRAPHERS ■ SUB EDS = GOD ■ MY TEAM ARE ON THE BACK PAGE ■ I STILL MISS TIM ■ NUS/MIRROR AWARDS NOMINATIONS MIA ■ SWEARING IS CHILDISH ■ DAVE THE PHENOMENON ■ SABB TEAM GO TO THE DOGS ■ 17HR DAY ANYONE? NOPE, JUST ME THEN ■ NOEL EDMONDS PICS ON TV FRONT

Sport

October 24 2005

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sport@gairrhydd.com

By Paul Hunt Sport Reporter Cardiff 3 UWIC 0 UWIC WERE overpowered by a far superior Cardiff team who ran off with the three nil win. The only surprise in the final result is that Cardiff didn’t win by more than the three goals that they did, and if it wasn’t for some wasteful finishing they surely would have.

Cardiff seemed to deal with the half hour delay in the kickoff better than UWIC as they started much better when the errant corner flags had been found.

Alex Joannides beat the offside trap as early as the ninth minute forcing a good save from the opposition goalkeeper. Cardiff were rewarded for their dominance when Jones was brought down in the penalty area, after beating two players she was sent

flying by the third. She took the penalty herself, passing into the bottom right hand corner past the less than agile UWIC goalkeeper.

Playing with a 4-4-1-1 formation UWIC didn’t really trouble the Cardiff defence as she was crowded out whenever the ball was played forward, making any support from the midfield irrelevant.

They were again beaten for pace when Cardiff scored their second after 41 minutes. Aileen Griffen beat her marker on the left wing and crossed into the area, the ball was only cleared to the edge of the area where Emma Jones hit a powerful volley, going in off the underside of the bar.

During the half time interval manager Neal Watkins demanded more of the same from the players who were making light of his pre-game predictions that it could be tough moulding the new team together.

Only two minute into the second

half and the Cardiff manager was still in the toilet when his team struck again. Emma Jones shot from the edge of the area and the UWIC goalkeeper could only parry into the path of Gemma Godber, who put in the rebound for Cardiff ’s third.

Jones was now in complete control of the game and her team were always looking dangerous, she twice more put Alex Joannides through on goal only for her to narrowly miss the target both times.

UWIC’s response was to make three substitutions playing three up front but with the midfield overpowered they didn’t receive the ball. By the time the UWIC goalkeeper was injured in the 71st minute, again defending a through ball, the game was over as a contest and petered out towards the end. Cardiff have every right to be confident of having a good season after this performance.

Honours Even CARDIFF BADMINTON drew their first mens’ BUSA fixture of the year on Wednesday against local rivals Swansea. Cardiff claimed victories in two of the four doubles and also two of the four singles matches played.

Cardiff got off to a good start, with fresher Simon Broomfield beating his opponent 2:0. With first-teamer Raj Popat unavailable, Joe NG was given the opportunity to play in his first ever BUSA match. Unfortunately he lost 1:2. Joe, who hadn’t picked up a racket before starting at the club last year, fought hard to draw level at one game each, but in the third game his opponent’s superior fitness made all the difference as Joe NG started to tire.

In the doubles, the strong pairing of Alex Ewins and Ryan Livingstone proved too much for the Swansea second double, winning 2:0. The second pairing of Imran Lalani and acting captain Dominic Caswell couldn’t overcome the first pairing from Swansea, going down 0:2.

The two winners from the first two singles games then met in the next matches, with Simon Broomfield coming out on top. Reflecting afterwards, Broomfield was not entirely satisfied with his day’s performance.

Recovering from a back injury which has kept him out of the game for the past eighteen months, the former England international still finds it hard to maintain his level of performance over long matches. But if he continues to finish off opponents in two games Broomfield is sure to be a useful player for Cardiff this year. Joe NG, still recovering from his previous game, went down two games to nil in his second match.

Results up to this point left the overall score at three victories each, meaning everything was riding on the last

PHOTO: Sophia Jounnides

By Steve Myerscough Sport Reporter

BADMINTON: Points on the board two doubles matches. Both Cardiff doubles repeated their previous results, with Lalani and Caswell again being beaten but Ewins and Livingstone winning.

Captain Caswell was upbeat after the final match had been decided.

“Swansea have beaten us for the past couple of years so I’m happy with the draw. It’s looking good for this year.

We’ve drawn with our arch rival and

next time we meet it could be to decide second place from first.” The team remain positive about promising BUSA season. The league may well be dominated once again by Cardiff, UWE and Swansea.

Cardiff will be hoping to take over from Swansea as champions, and on this performance that looks a realistic hope.

PHOTO: Sarah Day

RUNNING AWAY WITH IT

FOOTBALL: UWIC smashed

CARDIFF COURT OUT

UWIC GET TENNIS ELBOW

By Sam Strang Sport Reporter

By George Pawley Sport Reporter

LAST SEASON Cardiff’s impressive home form was not replicated in away fixtures regularly enough which saw them finish as runners up to UWIC in the league.

In a fixture which they lost heavily last year, Cardiff travelled to face the champions, UWIC. From tip-off UWIC looked like the team to beat and quickly took advantage of Cardiff’s unorganised start, capitalising on turnovers to build an early 10-0 lead. Captain Dafydd Bowen was the first to break the UWIC defence but as Cardiff started to compose themselves, UWIC pushed hard finishing the first quarter with a 25-7 lead.

Although Cardiff’s solid defence forced UWIC into difficult shooting opportunities, Gavin Childs and Andrew Hassan doing well to box out the larger side, UWIC seemed to effortlessly collect rebounds allowing them long periods in control.

Cardiff, needing someone to drag them back into the game, saw Lawrence Roliston score three consecutive breaking plays to bring them to within 14 points of the lead.

However this was as close as Cardiff would come to catching their opponents as they failed to make use of their opponents errors.

The last moments of the game saw Cardiff push for a way back into the game. But with a twenty-point lead for most of the game, UWIC seized opportunities on the break to end victors by 25 points.

Cardiff are a team full of talent, but with plenty of new faces joining the side this year and a noticable lack of team practice showing on the court they need to work to ensure ther opening does not prove to be a preview of the season to come.

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Mens’ team enjoyed a dream start to the new BUSA season with a 10 - 0 whitewash of Welsh rivals Aberystwyth.

The Men began their campaign with a point to prove following their relegation from the league in the 2004/2005 season after failing to win a single tie. However, with new additions to the squad, the team proved they are no pushovers with an emphatic victory at the Welsh National Tennis Centre.

In total, 6 matches were played, with a scoring system similar to that of the Davis Cup with a singles victory worth two points while a doubles win notches up one point for the winner.

Captain James Franklin set the tone for the encounter with a 6-0, 6-0 victory.

Tom Crowther won his match 6-1, 6-2, and then partnered Franklin in a 9-0 demolition of the Aber pair. In the other singles, Settor Tengey and Gareth Knight also enjoyed straightset wins over their opponents.

The final doubles match added insult to injury with a fine 9-4 win.

Tennis captain James Franklin commented “We’ve got some new players, and really have a great depth to our squad. And I’m very pleased with the performances of both our old and new players”.

Meanwhile, Cardiff Women’s team endured a 280 mile round trip to the South Coast, only to find that the weather had forced the Plymouth side to abandon their match.

The Ladies who finished in the bronze medal position at the Western Conference 1A last year, but the squad will be keen to emulate the success of last year, beginning with a home match against early pace-setters Exeter next week.