gair rhydd - Issue 797

gair rhydd

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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

M F 9 87.

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NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04

ISSUE 797 October 31 2005

XPRESS YOURSELF:

SIXTH MONTHS ON:

Page 21

Page 15

Cardiffs student radio station takes to the airwaves this Friday

Jenny Willot talks to Politics about what she’s done for students

D N A R G T F E TH O T AU

By Perri Lewis News Editor CAR CRIME has left many students wondering whether it is safe to bring their cars to university with them.

In recent months there has been a number of reported thefts of, and from vehicles in the Cathays, Roath and Heath areas.

Some students have been forced to pay for the damage themselves to prevent their insurance premiums from rising.

Despite claims by South Wales Police that car crime figures are falling, student victims continue to be targeted.

Some claim that this is because vehicles owned by students tend to be older models that are easier to break into.

Cardiff ’s Community Safety Partnership say that vehicles that are around 11-years-old are 14 times more likely to be stolen than newer ones.

One Cardiff student’s car was stolen from just metres away from her front door last Sunday night.

Hannah Thomas had parked her 11-year-old

Vauxhall Corsa outside her house on Bedford Street where she usually left it.

Sometime during the night thieves had hotwired the vehicle and then attempted to drive it to Roath Park.

They then drove carelessly around Cardiff where they were involved in a police chase.

Later that night the thieves crashed the car and two men were arrested.

The third year communications student said: “The police have told me my car has been through hell and back.

“I went to see it after it had been towed away and a lot of damage had been done to it.”

Miss Thomas is now waiting to hear whether or not the retrieved car is a write-off.

“I don’t want to claim on my insurance because I’ll lose my no claims bonus and my premium will rise,” she said. “But if I don’t claim I’ll have to fork out the money myself and I just can’t afford to do that.

“Either way I lose out.”

Story continued on Page 4

PHOTO: ADAM GASSON

Students fall victim to car crime

News

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October 31 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

At

a glance ASYLUM ANGER October 31 2005 News Editorial & Opinion Geordie Letters Health Science/Environment Politics Taf Od Dear Amber Grab!

Media Television Five Min Fun Jobs & Money Listings Sport

1 6 9 10 11 12 14 17 19 20 21 23 31 32 34 36

EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN Colm Loughlin HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson TEXT SUB Holly Marshall DESIGN SUB ED/GURU Graeme Porteous PROOF READERS Andrew Mickel, Alison Howe, Rosey Leech, Sarah Crosbie, Fatima Mannan, Jess Anderson CONTRIBUTORS Lindle Markwell, Jonathan Duggan, Kate Thomas, Aline Ungewiss, Chris Warlow, Jon Mackrell, Piers Horner, Edward Vanstone, C Lithosphere, Adrian Raudaschi, Zhang Wan, Paul Hunt, Victoria Sayce, Claire King, Jenny Willott MP, Andrew Rennison, Kathryn Harries, Elis Gomer, Elain Llywd, Laura Wooton, Jon Derridge, Rebecca Hunt, Steve Myerscough, Amy Williams, Holly Cooke, Emma Jones, George Pawley, Kara Dawson, Gareth Owen, Tohann Ravenscroft, Dan Maton, Alex Wallis, Sophia Jounnides, Charis Simpson, Sylvie Winn ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students Union

PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH

By Lindle Markwell Reporter

PROTESTS : Students show support

OVER A hundred protestors took part in a rally in Cardiff last Saturday in opposition to the government’s deportation policies for asylum seekers.

Demonstrators, including Kurdish, Zimbabwean, Liberian and Congolese asylum seekers in Wales, gathered in the city centre to dispute forced deportations to war zones and to call for the abolition of Section 9 of the Immigration Act 2004.

Section 9 removes asylum seekers rights to benefits before they can appeal, and permits the children of asylum seekers to be separated from their families and taken into care.

The government has maintained that such policies are there to encourage failed asylum seekers to return to their own countries.

A number of politicians lent their support to the protest organised by Cardiff Social Forum: Liberal Democrats AM Jenny Randerson and

MP Jenny Willott, and AM Leanne Wood of Plaid Cymru joined the crowds.

Speaking at the rally Ms Wood said: “It is absurd that asylum seekers are being sent back to Iraq, where insurgency is still rife, and to the Democratic Republic of the Congo, where up to nine million have died since 1998 and to Robert Mugabe’s reign of terror in Zimbabwe.

“Wales should provide a safe haven for those fleeing desperate conditions abroad.”

Pierrot Ngadi, the Congolese representative at the Cardiff demonstration, reiterated AM Wood’s arguments.

“Most [Congolese people] are here because they are facing war, bad governance and human rights abuses in their country.

“The British government has a moral and legal right to protect them.”

Members of the University’s People & Planet society also attended the march.

Chris Senior, a member of the society, said: “The current treatment of asylum seekers in this country is a disgrace.

“Hopefully this march will not be a one off, but part of a movement to mobilise people on this issue.”

Deputy Vice Chancellor steps down as part of a pre-merger agreement

By Jonathan Duggan Reporter

TOMLINSON : Not Ricky

PROFESSOR STEPHEN Tomlinson has confirmed his intention to step down from his duties at Cardiff University and the University of Wales College of Medicine.

Following the merger of Cardiff University with UWCM there has nat-

urally been a reshuffle of the top administrative positions.

Professor Tomlinson who joined the College of Medicine in 2001 as ViceChancellor was effectively the opposite number of the Cardiff ’s ViceChancellor Dr David Grant. During merger negotiations, Professor Tomlinson agreed to step down to

facilitate the joining of the two institutions.

Speaking last week Professor Tomlinson said: “We have never wavered from our shared vision of a world-class university for Wales and I believe that the new Cardiff University is now well on the way to realising that vision.”

The successful candidate beat off competition from ‘Ethical Stu’ Stuart Flatt and Gwilym Owen.

He received just 12 votes more than Gwilyn, the second place candidate.

Turner replaces Joao Martins, who during his time took on the ethical policies of such industrial giants as Rolls Royce and Nestle, making significant changes to union policy regarding the sales of Nestle products.

The newly elected Ethical and Environmental Officer now plans to

make the University ‘more green, more clean and more keen’.

He said: “I aim to increase awareness and participation in Cardiff ’s recycling schemes, as well as making it easier for students to get involved.

“I want to make green recycling bags available for free from the union.

“I also want to make sure that unsightly litter is removed from the campus. I want to promote fair trade products in university shops and provide alternatives to unethical corporate

brands and services.”

M a r k Turner is now active as Ethical and Environmental Officer and will be available during his office hours in the non-sabbatical office on the third floor of the Union.

The new ethics

By Perri Lewis News Editor

THIS YEAR’S Ethical and Environmental Officer has been elected, despite receiving just 79 votes.

Mark Turner took the non-sabbatical position last Wednesday after 161 students voted in the by-election.

22,500 students are eligible to vote in the elections, however only 0.7% did.

NO ANGEL: Rolls Royce are just one of the companies last year’s Ethical and Environmental Officer tried to ban from the Union

News

October 31 2005

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news@gairrhydd.com

Get the par t y star ted

By Caroline Farwell News Editor PARTIES IN WALES are getting bigger and better than ever before, according to a leading Welsh party organiser.

Party-goers are now trading the normal night out in town for the glamour and sophisatication of red carpets and black-tie events.

As standards are getting higher and higher, hosts are resorting to hiring everything from chocolate fountains to circuses to entertain their guests.

Stifyn Parri, managing director of Mr Producer, an events management company, said the types of parties being put on in Wales are changing partly because people want to emulate the sophistcation they’re seeing on television.

He said: “Slowly people are waking up to the word ‘style’. I’ve doubled the number of staff I have because there’s more demand for big events.

“I think Wales is slowly waking up to the fact that when you put on a black-tie event it has to big and blazing.

“You need to have the pizzazz and the star quality people are seeing on the television. Everything is becoming more highly polished.

“If you look at Saturday night programmes, the budgets are vast and the celebrity content is never ending.

“People want to get dressed up. It offers escapism from the humdrum of everyday life. We all work hard, when we go out we want to enjoy ourselves.”

Gareth Rees Jones, head of marketing at the Celtic Manor Resort Hotel, said the number of private black-tie events was increasing and although some came with a hefty price tag, people were willing to pay if they knew they’d get good value for money.

“There is more demand for black-tie events because people have money to spend and they’re looking for something a bit more special.”

LIMOS AND CHAMPERS: Only the best for Wales’ seasoned party-goers

Students robbed STUDENTS HAVE been left devastated after a burglar broke in to their home and stole thousands of pounds worth of goods.

The thief forced his way into three rooms of the property, on Colum Road, and escaped with jewellery, a lap-top computer and several CDs and DVDs. One of the victims said: "I was really shocked when we arrived home. Precious items of jewellery were taken and our stuff was everywhere."

More than £5000 worth of goods were taken from the property, which is a Cardiff University-owned house.

Police warned students to be vigilant following the burglary, renewing their calls for local residents to secure their homes appropriately.

Detective Constable Stuart Davies said: "Quite an extensive amount of jewellery was taken, together with other items, and the person it belongs to has been left very upset.

"Unfortunately, students are often a target for burglaries and we would like to take this opportunity to appeal for them to take care when securing their homes."

CARDIFF CITY CRACKDOWN

By Kate Thomas Reporter A SUCCESSFUL police campaign to crackdown on antisocial behaviour is set to run-on into the festive season.

Named ‘Operation Taff ’, the half-term crackdown on yobs in Cardiff saw the city centre more heavily patrolled by police officers specifically around the train station and bus station.

Inspector Stephen Delemore of Cardiff-based British Transport Police is confident about the ongoing campaign. He said: “The operation will see officers on high profile patrols through the whole of the central square.

“The aim of the operation is to reduce incidents of antisocial behaviour and if any do occur,

apprehend offenders.

“We ran the campaign during the half-term period because there is an increase in youth crime and more young people congregate in the station.”

The operation, which is funded by the Cardiff Community Safety Partnership and the British Transport Police – and supported by transport companies such as First Great Western and Cardiff Bus – is the third of its kind this year, all of which have been successful and have led to a number of arrests in the city.

Inspector Delemore continued: “Past operations have had an impact in reducing anti-social behaviour during the period and sometime after.”

The crackdown on late-night antisocial behaviour aims to reassure residents and tourists that they are safe in the city.

Inspector Delemore added: “We will be looking to tackle aggressive beggars who intimidate members of the public.

“We want to reassure visitors to Cardiff when they come off trains or buses that we are not prepared to tolerate antisocial behaviour.”

RIGHT: City centre now protected from yob culture (inset)

News

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Meds reassured

By Charissa Coulthard News Editor

FIFTH YEAR medics who haven’t been sent their bursary cheques are worrying about their temporary enrolment drawing to a close.

The few students, who haven’t yet received funding from the NHS, were temporarily enrolled and now fear eviction if the money fails to come through in time.

But Russell Simpson, College President of Medicine, Biology, Life and Health Sciences, is stressing that students have no need for panic.

"Those people who have received letters, don’t worry – it’s just a standard letter that goes out to everyone," he said.

"Even though their temporary enrolment ends soon, it’s not going to make a difference.

When they do get their bursary, they should contact the medical school.

"The important thing is not to fret. The medical school are aware of the situation."

Sitting SATs

By Aline Ungewiss Reporter THE CHAIRMAN of an educational trust is calling for Scholastic Aptitude Tests (SATs) to replace A-levels.

Sir Peter Lampl of The Sutton Trust, an organisation which provides educational opportunities for children from non-privileged backgrounds, says that SATs are more beneficial as a mean of selecting students for universities.

He says that they are more likely to identify the academic potential of students who have failed to reflect this in their exams.

It is argued that this would widen the access to disadvantaged students.

SATs: Future A-levels?

Keeping the smell at Bay

By Chris Warlow Reporter A STRANGE smell has been causing trouble in Cardiff bay for the past few weeks.

The smell, which some say is like gas and others like sewage, got so bad at one point it made people retch and even vomit in the streets.

The smell was linked to the drains, placing the responsibility on Welsh Water and not the Council.

Continued from Front Page "What’s worse is that now I don’t have a car, I can’t visit my Nana who lives on the outskirts of Cardiff."

Jennifer Roberts, a former student who still lives in Cardiff, has also had to pay the price of car crime.

Her 1999 Ford Fiesta was stolen from Manor Street in the Heath area during the summer and although it was found by police, it was returned to her in a state of disrepair.

The Occupational Therapy graduate said: "They took everything I had. They completely ransacked my car.

"When they were joyriding around Cardiff they even managed to get me a speeding ticket – although luckily I didn’t have to pay it because I could prove it had been stolen."

Two weeks after the incident her car was broken into again and she was forced to drive with a faulty door and lock until she could afford to have it repaired.

"I couldn’t claim on my insurance

Their investigation, which has been running for around two weeks now, is still no nearer to solving the mystery. Wynford Emanuel of Welsh Water said: "We are awaiting an update on this."

But locals have a different take on the matter, claiming the stench is not a new issue.

Local life resident Annette Jones said: "It’s not a mystery, it’s the smell of sewage coming up through the drains.

"This problem’s been going on for 13 years, ever since the Cardiff Bay

because the price of it would rocket next year when I renewed it."

Community Police Officer PC Bob Keohane says that car crime is a huge problem in the student areas of Cardiff.

He said: "They target the streets that students live in because they are always so packed with cars. They know that at least a couple of vehicles will be easy targets.

"The best thing to avoid car crime is not to leave any property on show.

"Leave the glove compartment open if there’s nothing in it to show potential thieves that they have nothing to gain by breaking into your car.

"And of course take extra safety measures and always put a car lock either on your handbrake or steering wheel – visible protection is a major deterrent for thieves."

The presence of an internal car lock may have prevented Melanie Cunningham from falling victim to car crime: her car was parked directly next to Hannah Thomas’ on the night of the theft but was left untouched.

The third year Business Studies

CHARITY, FOR GOODNESS’ QUAKE

Development Corporation messed around with the sewers."

Resident barmaid of the Packet pub, Nina Jones, added: "It’s definitely been worse lately, but it’s not new. The rain has weakened it a lot, but you can still smell it out the back, towards the flats.

"We’ve had rats overrunning the place too."

Dave Lyons of Grangetown, a regular at the Packet pub agreed, saying: "The locals even dubbed one area ‘Rat Island’".

The investigation continues.

student said: "I’m so glad I had my lock on, if I didn’t my car might have been stolen too."

However, the extra protection failed to protect her car from vandalism. Last year her bumper was kicked in and severely dented and her front headlight was smashed.

It seems that no measure can protect cars falling victim to car crime.

Richard Foot, a third year Human Geography and Town Planning student, had his stereo stolen from his car on October 17 even though he had taken the front of the stereo off in accordance with safety advice.

"I was gutted because I thought I had protected myself from this sort of thing," he said. "And because of the theft I had to fork out £140 to replace my smashed window and stereo."

He believes that car crime in his area is rife. "I have heard of at least three other cars that have been broken into in the last few weeks."

South Wales Police say that they continue to tackle the problem of car crime because it accounts for almost a fifth of all recorded crime.

By Jonathan Duggan Reporter CARDIFF STUDENTS have been raising money for the earthquake appeal in south east Asia.

Last Thursday they participated in the NUS Earthquake Day of Action which took place across Britain.

The event, which was organised by the NUS and the charity ActionAid, saw students attend special events and do street collections to raise money for the victims of the south east Asia earthquake earlier this month.

Nearly 50,000 people are thought to have died in the affected regions,

Thieves: Driving up crime However, tackling the issue takes considerable police time and resources. Chief Superintendent Evans said: "Some estimate that the overall cost to Cardiff is in excess of £14 million per year."

half this number being students and children.

Currently over four million people are without shelter or food and the death-toll continues to rise as it is difficult to reach the remote regions such as Kashmir which have been affected.

ActionAid plan to use the money raised by students and the University to provide shelter, clothing and vital medicines for the victims.

In a joint statement the NUS and ActionAid said: "Compassion fatigue is an absolute oxymoron, and the student movement has a proud tradition of taking collective action to effect massive results, time and time again."

World News

October 31 2005

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I PREDICT A RIOT Community pleas for peace in wake of violence

several ce made RIOT: Poli

By Jon Mackrell Reporter GANG VIOLENCE in Birmingham has resulted in peace demonstrations and calls for unity within the community.

Women and children marched down Lozells Road, the scene of the disturbances at the weekend, before attending a meeting to discuss ways of solving the problem of racial tension.

The violence began on Saturday evening, after rumours that a young black girl was raped in an Asian-owned beauty salon led to large-scale protests which descended into a riot.

One man was stabbed to death and 35 people ended up in hospital as a result of the violence, which saw five men arrested.

A strong police presence in the Lozells area on Sunday was mainly successful in keeping violence to a minimum.

A large gang of Asian youths ran down Lozells Road, but a combination of police and bad weather was able to disperse them before major confrontation could ensue.

However, an 18-year-old man was shot dead in the nearby Newtown area.

Two men arrested in connection with

the killing have since been released without charge.

Lozells’ population arrests has a high proportion of ethnic minorities and is home to many Asian and black gangs, who have often been linked to drugs and gun crime in the past.

Community leaders have been trying to stabilize the situation for many years, but the recent outbreak of violence suggests that there remains much to be done to calm the racial tension.

Khalid Mahmood, Labour MP for the area, claimed that the main instigators of the trouble came from outside and that for the most part the community was benefiting from religious leaders’ efforts to promote unity.

Mr. Mahmood told the House of Commons on Wednesday:" The small number of the criminal element who want to seek to divide the community have not been successful."

He also praised the work of the emergency services and the efforts of the community to remain united.

Alliya Stennet, organizer of Wednesday’s march, admitted that the tensions were real, but emphasized the deprivation of the area – including poor education and council neglect – as contributing factors rather than blaming the residents.

"Teachers are doing their best but with poor facilities. It is a very hard struggle," she argued.

She explained that the march and the meeting are an opportunity for the community to grieve together, before ‘uniting to forge solutions’.

OVER 120,000 women in the Eastern Shandong Province of China

Epidemic CHINA MAY have as many as 10 million HIV carriers if no significant measures are taken by the year 2010.

The government claims that there are around 840,000 HIVAIDS cases among its entire population but experts believe that at least 1 million poor farmers contracted HIV during botched blood selling schemes in the central province of Henan alone.

Arms vote VOTERS IN Brazil have overwhelmingly rejected a measure that would have prohibited the domestic sale of small arms and ammunition.

Brazil has one of the world’s highest rates of gun-related homicide, yet 63% of the electorate were opposed to the ban. "I don't want a gun, but I don't want criminals to know I don't have a gun," said Oscar Alves Neto, a Brazilian salesman. Voting was compulsory.

Al-ppeal AFTERMATH: Violent race-riots left one man dead

Forced to abort

By Jonathan Duggan Reporter

World News in Brief

have been forced to have abortions in an attempt to curb population growth.

These reports have been filtering out of China for the past few months, claiming that the Chinese government is car-

MERCILESS: Forced abortions are illegal

rying out these procedures on women who already have one child.

Chen Guangcheng, a social activist from Linyi in the Shandong province regularly speaks out and campaigns against these atrocities.

Speaking in an interview with the BBC, Guangcheng recounted a particularly harrowing story of one woman who was forced into an abortion at just under nine months into her pregnancy.

"It is a crazy and merciless situation," said Chen. "Recently no one was really enforcing the one-child policy, but as the population in Shandong has ballooned I think the provincial government has been putting pressure on local family planning departments."

The women in question later died along with her child.

In the early 1980’s forced abortions and compulsory sterilisations were common throughout China due to measures that were implemented in 1979 following concerns about population growth and its potentially negative impact on China’s economy.

Under current Chinese law, a couple can still only have one child, but forcing women to abort their child is illegal, and only financial or civil penalties can be levied against families.

Shortly after making these comments in Beijing, Chen Guangcheng was abducted by security officers from Shangdong who took him back to Linyi and placed him under house arrest where he remains, although no formal charges have been brought against him.

The National Population and Family Planning Commission in China has said that the figures produced by activists such as Guangcheng are greatly exaggerated.

However in a statement made by a spokesperson for the commission last week, it was admitted that "some persons concerned in a few counties and townships of Linyi did commit practices that violated the law."

These procedures are not only a violation of Chinese law but are also a serious infringement on human rights. The Chinese government is in the process of investigating these claims and several local health workers in the province have been arrested.

The government has said: "The responsible persons have been removed from their posts and some have been detained."

AL-QAIDA HAS made a video appeal for all Muslims to help Pakistan following the earthquake despite its brutal opposition to President Musharraf’s pro-US government.

"I call on all Muslims and Islamic charity organisations in particular to go to Pakistan and give a helping hand to the victims there," said Ayman alZawahir, the terrorist groups second in command.

A mix of Western and local soldiers, aid workers and Islamic charities are rushing food and shelter to the victims.

Oil-for-cash A WELL-KNOWN Texan oil baron has been charged with paying millions of dollars in kickbacks to Saddam Hussien’s Iraqi regime in the highest profile prosecution yet.

The case results from the United Nations oil-for-food program which was set up after the Gulf War to help pay for humanitarian goods provided to the Iraqi people.

It has sinced been riddled with corruption as various business men attempted to bribe Saddam’s government for the right to buy his nations oil.

By Dan Maton

Editorial & Opinion

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gair rhydd

The price and place of life With the West on Bird Flu alert, Piers Horner asks why equal attention isn’t given to the other deadly virus of the world

FREE WORD

companies have since opposed generic exports to other countries on an almost ‘matter of principle’ basis.

The matter of principle behind losing some profit to allow people access to life-saving drugs, does not, however, seem to be so important. The sad fact may be that in the world of raw economics human need rarely plays much of a role beyond the level of ‘product concept’.

CRIME SPREE

87.9FM XPRESS RADIO make their triumphant return to Cardiff’s airwaves this week on their new frequench 87.9fm. Live on air from midnight at Fat Friday, the station will broadcast accross the whole of the city for the next two weeks.

Offering a full schedule of programming throughout the day, from early morning breakfast shows to an exciting specialist schedule showcasing the best music you wouldn’t necessarily hear. There are live events accross the campus, regular news updates, comedy/drama and sports programming.

The restrictions placed on the station by Ofcom regarding broadcasting mean that a year round FM service isn’t possible and as such Xpress doesn’t always achieve the same exposure as other forms of student media.

However the hard work and dedication that goes into getting Xpress on-air each semester is leading to recognition at a national level in the form of the Radio1 Student Radio Awards where Xpress has picked up three nominations.

Tune in to Xpress on 87.9fm.

I

Surely the lives of millions of people are of a higher priority than profits This is not, however, predicted to be enough to treat all those in the UK who may be affected by a pandemic.

There have been calls for the manufacturers of Tamiflu – Swiss pharmaceutical giant Roche – to relinquish their patent on the drug, allowing other companies to produce cheaper versions that could increase stocks quickly. Despite initial claims that this move would be ineffective at boosting stocks, it now appears that Roche might be willing to allow other companies to produce Tamiflu.

It is, of course, quite right that they should do so: surely the lives of millions of people are of a higher priority than the intellectual rights and profits of pharmaceuticals?

It is a shame, however, that this same principle is not extended to the

“” W i t c o m b e ’s

WORD

FIGHT TO STOP HIV/AIDS: World Vision rally to educate the masses global pandemic that is already taking place: HIV/ AIDS. AIDS affects tens of millions of people in the developing World, and has no cure.

Victims can, however, take antiretroviral drugs (ARVs) that keep levels of the HIV virus low and help deal with its effects. Unfortunately, ARVs are far too expensive for those living in the developing world to afford.

For years, there have been calls for pharmaceutical firms to reduce the prices of ARVs. Reductions have occurred, but the price of ARVs have still been far greater than the annual income of people living in developing countries.

ARVs are far too expensive for those living in the developing world Some hope appeared to lie in drugs supplied by so-called ‘generic’ companies set up in countries whose patent laws allow them to copy drugs produced by different pharmaceuticals, allowing them to offer ARVs at far lower prices.

The drugs companies, however, resisted generics and the export of their drugs to developing countries

T

his is where it’s at. This is surely what all journalists strive for. Who of us really want to be writing about Blair’s futile school reforms, Pete Doherty’s chemical-fuelled antics, dredged-up speculations on Dando’s demise? Maybe that suits some of you down to the ground. But the for now tranquil view from this hotel room sums up the looming ruin of it all. This is where it’s at.

That boy down there in the square must be about eight-years-old. He’ll have no idea that all this distress, merging splitting culminating around him, is leading us all to our own devastation. He’s supremely unaware.

Playing in the dust of the centre of the end. Maybe I’ll get some quotes from him, an account. ‘Baghdad’s young turning to dust’… perhaps I’ll work on the headline later.

where patents do apply. It was argued that generics were ‘pirates’; that the cost of developing new drugs and the need to fund further research for drugs was responsible for higher prices; and that prices would be lower if governments of low-income nations would buy in bulk from pharmaceuticals.

To a certain extent these claims may have been true, but the real worry for big pharmaceuticals appears to have been that generics would be able to gain market share in China and South America.

Pharmaceutical

The West should reassess the urgency with which we are addressing AIDs One might hope, however, that as we have to deal with the threat of a pandemic ourselves, the West will take this opportunity to reassess the urgency with which we are addressing AIDS in other countries. Sadly, history does not seem to offer much hope. It seems unlikely that much real action will be taken to combat AIDS until it comes knocking on the door of the Western world, by which time, for many people it will be too late.

by alex wallis

t can be stressful living in the West. Terrorism is a common concern, although this may be due more to the shock of terrorist attacks than to the likelihood of being involved in one.

Unfortunately, however, there appears to be a new threat: the risk of a pandemic caused by a human form of bird flu that could kill in excess of 50,000 people in the UK alone.

This prospect has caused understandable fear.

The UK Government has been stockpiling the only drug that so far appears to be effective against bird flu – Tamiflu – and is expected to have about two million doses available by this Christmas.

Al’s World

STUDENT CARS have always been targeted by criminals in the Cardiff area simply because of the sheer weight of people, many of whom own cars, living in such a small area.

With so many seople living in such close proximity the likelyhood is, especially when considering the traditional image of a student car, that at least some of the cars will be relatively easy to break into and steal.

As we reveal in this issue, the falloutut from car crime can be widespread and affect more than just a persons ability to use their car.

Already high insurance premiums rise further still and many students find themselves forced to absorb the costs of crime, or pay a much larger premium in the future.

Alongside this are the neumerous cases of vandalism which rather than take a car of the road completely seem to be a small but constant drain on student finances. The cost of a new headlight here and a replacement aerial there as well as an occasional re-shaping of some body work all add up. Combined with the cost of parking the question of why so many students bring thier cars to university is back in the spotlight.

Whether the damage is done maliciously by criminals, or whether the dameage is done as part of some student hi-jinx on a night out, if it is essential to have your car with you at university it only seems to be a matter of time before you wake up to find your car wasn’t how you left it the night before.

Because surely people care more about the kids. You see the occasional editorial on them, every few months or so, nothing more. When I think about it, there are over 200 of us in this hotel, all reporting back the same tiresome accounts of ‘50 dead in truck bomber attack’, ‘Shop explosion kills 30’, every day a new twist on the same idea. I need to hit them in a different place. Through the eyes, direct to the heart. And weeping, orphaned, dying kids may just do it.

I’ve waited so long to be here. How would I ever write my memoirs without sagas from Baghdad to quicken their pace? I’ll need to get a guide too I suppose, someone who can get me on the trail of the insurgents. And of course there’s the trial, who knows what could happen after that, what these people will have to go through, where… where the hell the mini bar is in this bloody room.

The boy has just kicked his ball at a builder. The builder has smacked him to the ground. Oh yes, this is what I need. The other few hundred can report on the everlasting trial, the daily bombings that merge one into the other. I’m running with the damaged kids.

He’s just lying there now, broken, shattered. What a fantastic picture!

And the builder just climbs into his cement mixer and off he goes. I’ll get down there, this is humanity at it’s most frail. No bomb stories for this journo. I won’t be sucked into that.

This here…is where it’s at.

Last Monday, a suicide bomber drove a cement mixer loaded with explosives through the wall of a hotel in Baghdad and killed 20 people.

This here… ....is not where it’s at.

Editorial & Opinion

October 31 2005

Page 7

opinion@gairrhydd.com

The fight for the right to die Is there ever a right time to pull the plug? Edward Vanstone debates the proposals of the controversial pro-euthanasia law

Where is the separation between church and state in our country?

Everybody should have the right to a painless end

When I started my PhD I was all wide-eyed and motivated. I got to travel to some cool places to collect my samples, and generally got on at a fair pace. I saw my supervisors in the corridor, and for the occasional coffee, but was left to my own devices with no spoon-feeding. It is only when you hit your third year that things start to shift up a gear.

Deadlines start to get closer, and

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Possibly the biggest obstacle to a young, motivated postgraduate ego

you finally have to do all the jobs that you have been putting off for the last two years. You also have to produce a thesis, which can be anything from a 30 page collection of research papers, to a 500 page door-stop of unreadable waffle. It is a situation where you routinely find yourself struggling for motivation, and it is the time when the relationship with your supervisor(s) is crucial.

The moral of this story is to maintain a good relationship with your supervisor however inflated their ego, as when the shit hits the fan, you will need them. This brings me back to where I started, staring at pages of corrections to my latest attempt to push back the frontiers of science.

‘Why do I bother?’ I continuously ask myself. ‘I’ve started so I’ll finish’ is generally the answer, but in these dark days of writing up I am finding that harder to believe every day. Roll on the real world.

g

PhD student than you are ever likely to have experienced as an undergraduate.

@

I

am currently staring blankly at my computer screen and flicking through tatty A4 pages with a pen’s worth of red supervisory ink scrawled over my feeble writings. I wonder if professors can remember what it feels like to be at the bottom of the pile, or whether they still care?

PhDs have a lot of myths attached to them. As an undergraduate it is easy to believe that these people are different and have all the answers.

This may be true in some cases, but in general the PhD student’s life is not too different to the undergraduates.

Positive aspects of a PhD include getting to live a student lifestyle for another three (or four) years and avoiding the horror of ‘the real world’. Demonstrating to undergraduates is also highly rewarding, (and you get to eye up the talent). Other negative aspects include navigating

the minefield of department politics and possibly the biggest obstacle to a young, motivated postgraduate - ego.

Ego isn’t all bad. You have to be motivated and interested about what you are researching to start a PhD. However this can be taken too far and can lead to the attitude, in some people, that what YOU are researching is far more interesting and relevant than anything anyone else is researching and that YOU are the best at it and deserve all of the acclaim and funding. Herein lays the root of the problems as far as I’m concerned; In general there is not enough funding to go around. This requires academics, who we would like to think of as peaceful folk sitting in their offices gently puffing on a pipe, to constantly have to justify their place in the department and to mentally clamber and struggle over one another to get the meagre handouts of research money available.

This leads to a far more business-like working environment for the average

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By C. Lithosphere

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PhDs: the myth and the migraines

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Many people, if not given a lethal drug dose, will die slowly, and in a great deal of pain

would have to be extremely conscientiously enforced. The prospect of inheritance-hungry relatives pressuring their kin into an abrupt end is a sad reality, but is easily expelled through stringent procedures. Two doctors should be present to confirm the patient’s wish to die, which should be restated on at least two separate occasions, without interference from friends or relatives. It goes without saying that the patient should only be given the drugs if there is absolutely no chance of recovery.

There are still those, however, who remain unconvinced, who remain adamant about the sanctity of life even when that life consists of one

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choose to die, and yet a small number of clergymen are able to cripple and possibly even prevent this bill from becoming law.

Obviously Lord Joffe’s euthanasia law

House of Lords, Joffe’s bill does not return until January. Between then and now, how many more people will helplessly watch their friends or relatives beg, fruitlessly, to be allowed to die painlessly?

And yes. The policeman should shoot him. Better to die instantly than to suffer the agony of burning to death. Similarly, it is better, far better, to drift off to morphine-induced sleep than to endure a week of pain as your body gradually dehydrates and your internal organs give up.

Death is not fun to talk about, and decisions about it are always going to be difficult.But a person’s life is their own, and everybody should have the right to a painless end.

i

EUTHANASIA RULES: Travel to Holland for the right to die with dignity

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Now, if a doctor had been kind enough to end my grandma’s suffering, as she asked - in the few lucid moments she could grasp – under current law he or she would have faced a sentence of up to 14 years in jail.

Who’s going to risk that? 14 years is a lot of time to risk for a stranger. Is that going to intimidate a doctor when allocating a morphine dose to their patient?

The watering down of the bill, if Lord Joffe is forced into such a measure, is already a disaster. Being able to self-administer lethal drugs can’t be the easiest thing to do when you’re racked with agonizing pain and are barely cognisant.

It is appalling that the 26 bishops, with whom just 6.6% of the population share the same faith, are able to sabotage such a fundamentally essential new law. We moan about Bush and his God squad, but where is the separation between church and state in our country? Recent surveys suggest that 82% of the British population support the right for a patient to

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uthanasia, always a highly contentious issue, has been at the forefront of media and political debate during October.

Lord Joffe’s bill to allow doctors to assist in the death of the terminally ill went before the House of Lords on the 10th October. The bill was attacked vociferously, as Lord Joffe must doubtlessly have expected, by the twenty six (twenty six!) bishops who are entitled to be in attendance at the presentation of any new bill, as designated way back when, by the originator of the Church of England, good old Henry ‘Want that one!’ VIII. Most disturbingly, Christian doctors in the House claimed that every death could be painless; a downright lie. Modern medicine can work, but the reality of the situation is that many people, if not given a lethal drug dose, will die slowly, and in a great deal of pain.

Lord Joffe, under pressure from the bishops, stated he may consider watering down his bill from ‘voluntary euthanasia’, in which a terminally ill patient gives the doctor permission to give them a lethal injection of drugs, to ‘physician assisted suicide’ in which the drugs needed to end the patient’s suffering are handed to them, and then must be self administered.

I was 16 when the last of my grandparents died. All the others had gone suddenly and relatively painlessly, before I was old enough to properly comprehend what had happened. My maternal grandmother, however, died like so many others, of dehydration

drawn out torture session. To these people I offer an analogy often applied to the euthanasia debate, which I feel is an excellent illustration of the fundamental need for euthanasia for the terminally-ill to become law.

It goes like this: A policeman comes across a traffic accident, which has caused a lorry driver to become trapped inside his vehicle. There is absolutely no way for him to escape.

The lorry is on fire. As the flames approach, the lorry driver asks the policeman to shoot him before he burns to death. Should the policeman shoot him?

With no decision made in the

and in excruciating pain, twisting in and out of consciousness in a hospital bed. The doctors said it would take about three days for her body to stop fighting. She lasted over a week. Talk to your friends and I’m betting at least one will have a remarkably similar story.

Comment

October 31 2005

Page 9

geordie@gairrhydd.com

The chewing gum on the shoe of opinion

Un-natural Anthem T

SMOKING

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am a hypocrite. Several times a year - on international football matchdays - I make a song request to a deity I don’t believe in to prolong the life of a woman whose position I find extremely objectionable: “God save the Queen”.

And I’m not alone. Even if we leave the Monarchy out of it (for now), the results from the last Census have eight million atheists living in England alone. The National Anthem is about as relevant to them as human sacrifices and prayers to Jupiter.

Which means the point is somewhat missed. The National Anthem, as its name suggests - should firstly be about the ‘superior’ qualities of the nation (as opposed to its figurehead) and should be as representative of that nation’s population as possible. The religious overtones and the subject the Monarch (particularly bearing in mind growing Republican sentiment) immediately excludes a great swathe of the country. And it’s harder to take pride in the country without a relevant National Anthem.

The Welsh and Scottish anthems are exactly the kind of thing that the British National Anthem should be: the Welsh a celebration of the culture and an expression of hope that “naught befall to mar the old language of Wales”, and Roy Williamson’s Flower of Scotland a commemoration of an historic national hero who succesfully won an independence lasting hundreds of years.

Better, I think, than idolising a Monarch with nothing more than ceremonial duty, with whom very few of her subjects can identify.

At least the sixth verse of the British National Anthem - added after defeat of George II’s army by Jacobite forces in 1745, with the inflammatory lyric “rebellious Scots to crush” - has been consigned to the dustbin, recognised as the imperialist toss that it is.

It’s not the way to get five million of

2 G ✑

Even though David Cameron is a complete git and represents the first real threat to New Labour for years, and could feasibly beat Gordon Brown, leaving us with the only thing worse than a Labour Government: a Conservative one, I’ve found a reason to be cheerful.

(You could, of course, suggest that this is premature, since the leadership contest isn’t over yet, but he’s blatantly going to win.)

Cameron is being backed by everybody’s favourite Tory, Boris Johnson. Seeing Boris back on the opposition front bench is worth it. So every count has a silver lining.

your population on side, is it?

It’s probably one of the factors contributing to the Scots, along with the Welsh and Northern Irish booing what is actually their own anthem when misappropriated by English sports teams. That and age-old rivalry.

That particular phenomenon led to calls for a separate English ‘national’ anthem to be used primarily for football and rugby matches. Hopes that this might turn up a suitable alternative anthem are swiftly dashed. The top contenders are Jerusalem, I Vow to Thee My Country and Land of Hope and Glory, which all share the problem of Christian (or at least monotheistic) religious overtones and don’t reflect a society comprised of followers of many religions and none, and also in the latter case a hint of old Imperialism (“wider still and wider shall thy bounds be set”). The other was There’ll Always Be An England,

which - despite the inappropriate description of the Union Flag - is as unsuitable for use as a British National Anthem as God Save The Queen is for England-only occasions.

A similar search in Australia came up with Waltzing Matilda as top choice.

An appeal to the masses here also stands a realistic chance of getting votes for Three Lions.

There is another Sir who could write a new National Anthem: Mick Jagger

There is very little chance of successfully adapting an existing song to craft an anthem that represents a mod-

ern, multicultural, multi-faith Britain while retaining pride in our national heritage. An anthem with the theme of Britain itself rather than its anachronistic figurehead.

That leaves only the possibility of a new composition. That would more than likely mean one of Her Majesty’s Knights of the Realm (of Music) being commission to compose a new national anthem: Paul McCartney, Elton John or, more likely, Andrew Lloyd Webber. (Thinking about it, maybe we could just reuse Any Dream Will Do - it’s close enough.

There is, of course, another Sir in the music business that could be called upon to write a new Anthem: Mick Jagger. He’s sure to knock up a rousing tune, though it’d be more suitable for the terraces than the Last Night of the Proms. Better than what we’ve got, though. Who save the what, now?

NATIONAL ANTHEM: I mean it, man

✎

The Daily Twat Mail left the asylum-seekers alone for five minutes last week to scaremonger comment on the threat from Bird Flu. They deemed to be worthy front page news the shocking revelation that the owner of the parrot that died of the disease in quarantine (it’s impossible to hear about that parrot without thinking of a certain Monty Python sketch) has a conviction for fraud.

Presumably, the bird was actually a chicken and we’ve all been conned.

Bad man. Let’s hound him. Pass the pitchfork, folks.

✑

The anti-terror arrests that included a man from Cardiff nicked for running a militant web-

site will be among the first tests of the deals made with countries to which suspects (SUSPECTS, not neccessarily people found guilty) will be deported.

The aforementioned Cardiff resident, however, was apparently running an anti-Gadaffi website and will be deported to Libya. I suspect he’ll have a hard time avoiding torture, no matter how much Colonel Gadaffi promises Mr Blair.

✎

Although I raged a couple of weeks ago at the inability of The Law to make decisions dispassionately (vis sending gay Iranians home to be executed), sometimes it’s harder to complain.

An Australian judge decided that a rape case in which the perpetrator

withdrew his penis, removed a condom and continued constituted two separate offences, and stuck an extra six years in prison on his sentence. No putting the criminals first in Australia. We could learn a lot from them.

✑

As terrible as the recent violence in Birmingham was, it’s refreshing to see a raceriot not started by white guys.

Enoch Powell was a horrible little racist, but his prediction of ‘rivers of blood’ may be on the verge of coming true purely because of the inability of the natives to get on with ‘outsiders’.

Britain isn’t an island, it’s a village, and we’re all idiots.

✎

Besides which, I think ID cards are a bad idea.

Question: Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I talking to myself? - Email to geordie@gairrhydd.com

ypical. When the Government finally decides to keep a promise made in their election manifesto it’s one that will do more harm than good.

The new ban on smoking in public places and the workplace was presented to Parliament not as a total ban, as Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt intended, but instead keeps the exemption for English pubs which serve food, as drafted by her predecessor John Reid a year ago.

If the ban is intended to protect the public’s health, then any exceptions defeat the point entirely, and the distinction between pubs which serve food is a fairly arbitrary and artificial one, but one with far-reaching consequences.

Since most pubs which do not serve food are in predominantly working-class areas, there will continue to be health problems due to second-hand smoke for the working classes, and the class divide - on health terms - will widen.

The few in such areas - and probably in other areas - that do serve food may decide not to risk losing smoking customers by simply stopping serving food. And buying in a fag machine.

Objections to the prospect of a total ban come in a few basic forms.

There’s the argument that smokers have a right to smoke in public.

Maybe they do, but they certainly don’t have a right to cause anyone else ill health through basic lack of consideration, just as businesses don’t have the right to pollute the environment.

There are claims on the tradition of smoking in pubs - many things that were traditional have since been denounced as socially and/or morally unacceptable today. Our culture thankfully - changes with time.

Then there is the accusation of nanny-stateism, which I would argue is the Government not allowing people to take personal risks with their own health, and this is protecting the health of bystanders.

With no real opposition to an outright ban on public smoking, it’s odd that the new bill includes the exception - who are they trying to appease? But then it’s like the opposite of how New Labour has normally been doing things recently: introducing legislation that nobody will ever accept, and backtracking slightly in the face of public outcry to a new version that is still universally despised, but because the Government has ‘compromised’ they feel compelled to accept.

Here we have legislation that the Government thinks people want, but doesn’t really want to bring in, so we have a set of half-measures designed to reassure us that really something is being done, but will actually leave us all worse off, because basically Tony can’t quite be bothered.

Letters

Page 10

October 31 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

The gair rhydd letters page Controversy. A word that immediately catches the eye. Let’s face it, we all love a bit of controversy - what are newspapers for? If nothing in life was controversial, life would be extremely dull and boring. Although some controversy is simply vile and disturbing, everyone wants to hear about it. And you guessed it, there is a dose of controversy in this week’s letters page. Enjoy. Menon

Justified Rant?

I’VE JUST FINISHED reading Piers Horner’s article on terrorism and I must inquire, just why do you have such ignorant and contemptible little gits writing for you?

Does Horner really think that we can negotiate with people who want to destroy our civilisation?

The comparison with Northern Ireland is also flawed. In Ulster the IRA etc just wanted us out of Ireland, Islamic fundamentalists not only want us out of the Middle East but to destroy us.

Granted, that’s just not going to happen, but their lack of capability to make it happen does not negate the fact that they’re still evil little bastards who have no qualms about strapping explosive to themselves and blowing up a tube.

That’s not the actions of a rational mind and nor is it the actions of a person one could negotiate with. You don’t talk to terrorists, you hunt them down and kill them, along with anybody who gets in our way.

If I had my way, we’d be including fuckwits who think we can negotiate with terrorists and try to justify their actions by calling the atrocities they commit ‘arguments’ in that category too.

Now the second part of this wholly justified rant is aimed at Kenny the international student. Just how [sic] the hell do you think you are? Are you taking the piss or are you really just an idiot whose [sic] pissed he only got a 2:2?

Her Majesty’s Government is not ripping you off, merely insisting that

text

you pay the full fee. You did realise the course fees before you accepted the offer, right? Why do you think the British people should subsidise a [sic] non-EU citizens [sic] University education?

Do yourself a favour, bugger off back to Sri Lanka and, with your new British education. Even if you did only get a 2:2, try and build a better country for yourself instead of the third world shit hole you currently call home.

Maybe then, in a few generations or so, you’ll have a university system that is good enough so future students can stay at home instead of coming here and then whining that no one wants to employ them and bitching that HM Government wont [sic] throw money at them.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Regards Mark, post-grad history [sic]

Clear Ref-erence IN RESPONSE to Martyn Lewis’ letter regarding the IMG referee situation, I would just like to clarify the situation, as what he stated is incorrect.

As the rules stand, each team is required to provide one linesman for the whole match and one referee for half a match, NOT three officials.

The referees were assigned to referee a game in their own group for week 1 only where the issue of match fixing would be minimal.

From Week 2 onwards referees are randomly assigned to referee half a match for a fixture NOT FROM

07791165837

People. Damn.

We are all university students; could repose who write texts learn how to use semicolons?

Does anyone NOT like to watch it going in?

Ice Hockey boys do it hard on ice....with each other

Would you rather wear two belts or stick your head in your rubbish bin?

What do you call an empty packet of condoms? ...A packet of gonedoms. By john.

Dave you dribbling mong

F**k off Goodman, ur not the sodding King!

Dear Ed. 6 down AGAIN. Cunt. Fucking spell apologise properly too. P.S. 3 down. Are you actually IN university?

Philipa hole i love ux Whos the granny who swooped in and took MY sausage roll!

THEIR GROUP. While this system is not flawless we thought that this was the best option after hearing the concerns from players from last year.

Yours, Clare Donovan, IMG Chair

Science Defiance I WAS INTRIGUED to read the letter entitled "Science Abuse" from last week’s issue. Much of Beaton’s comments are logical, and hence should be applauded, although the subject of the attack and ensuing comments do seem puzzling.

We assume that the reply addresses the issue of the "Big Bang" theory mentioned the previous week as part of an article in the gair rhydd.

Science is indeed dependent upon observation, followed by an attempt at interpretation and explanation. It requires the gathering of evidence, obtained through observation and experimental manipulation.

This gathering of evidence should be unbiased, and as such, no conclusion should be reached before the evidence has been gathered in a suitably designed scientific study.

However Beaton seems to confuse the issue of a hypothesis with a conclusion. A scientific study sets out to test a hypothesis; it obtains the data and can then reach a conclusion as to acceptance or rejection of that hypothesis. Beaton states that "every time I drop an apple it falls".

Science is a dynamic arena in which theories to explain patterns in empirical data are constantly modified over time.

What is believed to be true in one generation may be modified or changed entirely in the next, or sooner. Not accepting this is one danger in the scientific community.

We indeed do not know if there was a "Big Bang", the work of many suggests that the hypothesis of a "Big Bang" would explain much of the empirical data already obtained.

But be careful, it does not explain all these data, and nor may it explain data that we have yet not discovered.

Finally I take issue with the statement that "materialist scientists have decided there is not a God…" This is untrue.

Firstly I am not sure what a "mate-

rialist scientist" actually is, but let us assume that it is one that obtains empirical data through scientific observation in an attempt to explain the world in which we live.

Many such scientists have a strong faith and follow many different religions. I personally am a Christian who believes in God. I am also a scientist who attempts to carry out research to explain processes through scientific analysis.

I see no contradiction between the two. “…Therefore no scientific explanation can include (a God)" is meaningless and logically incorrect, not to mention dangerously presumptuous!

Yours, with slight tongue in cheek, Rupert Perkins, Lecturer in Marine Biosciences.

What a turn off!

I’M NOT SAYING that I’m an art critic, but please, can someone tell me what the hell is going on with the Turner Prize, and while you’re at it, modern art in general?

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I like more than abstract art?

Firstly, it can be very thought-provoking. Secondly it isn’t held back by any boundaries and thirdly, it’s ultimately a lot more creative than traditional forms of art.

I mean, who cannot be intrigued by Picasso’s Weeping Woman or curious about Dali’s Melting Clocks in The Persistence of Memory?

But even in the world of abstract art, surely there has to be a line? A line that the Turner Prize seems to not just step over, but truly leap across every year.

I mean, let’s look at the ‘talentbrimming’ shortlist, up for the £25,000 (!) prize this year: A German shed, a video of an elderly widow, a construction primarily made of black, white and silver pieces of tape called The Kinks, a hydrogen-powered moped and… you might want to sit down for this! A collection of 12 PAINTINGS depicting scenes of nature.

Am I the only one who thinks it’s strange that the painted artwork has come to be the rare breed? Quirky and on the edge is one thing, but the current state of this prestigious award must have landscape-painter, Joseph Turner, literally turning (sorry!) in his grave.

If unmade beds, dodgy videos, and unidentifiable objects are the future for art, then student bedrooms must be the new galleries.

Very confused First Year (who got an ‘A’ at GCSE Art, only to get a ‘D’ at AS, but I’m not embittered or disillusioned about it at all? Really.

Reu-ined Review WHILST READING the latest music reviews in Quench, I noticed the review about the Reuben’s gig at the Coal Exhchange a couple of weeks ago.

I was quite outraged that someone with obviously no knowledge in that genre could give such an uneducated review!

I was particularly amused at the comment about Frank (“the jesus-alike merchandise guy”) who was in fact the lead singer for Million Dead until they recently broke up.

They're quite a well known band in the emo/screamo genre and for him to perform on stage with Reuben was quite an honour for them.

Frank is far from just a merchandise guy and you (the reviwewer)did not give him the credit he deserves.

Next time I think Quench shouldsend someone with adequate knowledge of the music genre to do the review instead of someone who is clueless.

Yours, Angry Reuben Fan.

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life.

If you want to get your point across to the Cardiff population, this is the place to do it. Send your gripes to the above email address. If you want to see your letter printed in next week’s issue, try and email it by Thursday lunchtime.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

letter of the week Under siege?

IT WAS so refreshing to see an article (a few issues ago) about the plight of asylum seekers that actually considered things from their point of view.

It seems to be the trend in the media of this country to depict the UK as an island 'under siege' from asylum seekers, and that our resources simply cannot cope.

The negative attitude towards

asylum seekers that many people in this country have is often a direct result of this portrayal. Phrases like “we just can’t let everybody in” (a few issues ago) are all too common.

In fact, less than 5% of the world's refugees can be found in Europe and the UK ranks 9th in Europe for % of refugees according to population size.

Refugees also contribute more to this country's economy than they

take away in benefits and twothirds of refugees in the UK are educated to degree level or equivalent.

Refugees and asylum seekers bring a lot to this country and negative press about them will only lead to community tensions and racial conflict.

Joanna Spooner President of STAR (Student Action for Refugees)

Health

October 31 2005

Page 11

health@gairrhydd.com

FAR EAST IS EAST This week, Health takes a brief look at some of the things that we do in Britain that have been influenced by the Far East

By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor

A

cupuncture is a system of healing that has been used for thousands of years in Eastern countries such as China.

In recent years, it has been recognised by the western medical profession as a way of complementing traditional medicine or treatments. The idea of having fine needles inserted into your skin may not appeal to some, but an acupuncturist will use these needles to stimulate the body’s own healing mechanism.

The theory behind acupuncture is that your health is dependent on the body’s motivating energy, known as Qi, which moves in channels under the skin. Qi is split into equal and opposite qualities, Yin and Yang. When, for whatever reason, these become unbalanced, illness will result.

By inserting the needles into certain points on the body where Qi is said to flow, the acupuncturist is reputed to be able to restore the balance and therefore aid the affliction. The principle aim is to restore the equilibrium between the physical, the emotional and the spiritual aspects of the individual.

Acupuncture in the UK gained recognition during the 1970s and by 2004 there were over 2500 practising

acupuncturists working in the UK. If you are considering this treatment, for whatever reason, you should talk to your GP before making any appointments, as the treatment may not be suitable for you.

The NHS can also refer you to a trained acupuncturist. You can also check out the registered practitioners in your area by visiting www.acupuncture.org.uk, the website for the British Acupuncture Council (BAC). As of yet there is no need for a licence or training to practise acupuncture in the UK, so it’s best to find someone on the BAC, so you know you are seeing a qualified specialist.

What to expect The acupuncturist needs to assess your general state of health, in order to identify the underlying pattern of disharmony and give you the most effective treatment.

You will be asked about your current symptoms and what treatment you have received so far, your medical history and that of your close family, your diet, digestive system, sleeping patterns and emotional state. To discover how the energies are flowing in your body, the acupuncturist is likely to feel your pulse on both wrists. Loose, comfortable clothing should be worn, and you should be aware that the acupunc-

turist may need to access points on your torso as well as on your arms and legs.

The acupuncturist may supplement the needle treatment with moxa, a herb which is used to warm acupuncture points to encourage the Qi to flow better. Other methods of stimulating acupuncture points include using lasers or electro-acupuncture.

When the needle is inserted, the sensation is often described as a tingling or dull ache. Needles are inserted either for a second or two, or may be left in place for 30 minutes or more.

During treatment, patients commonly experience a heaviness in the limbs or a pleasant feeling of relaxation.

NEEDLES: Ouch!

Zhang Wan reveals the Eastern influences behind that celebrity favourite, the GI diet

D

o you eat healthily at University? The truth is, most of us don’t.

You may think that it does not matter what you eat, or that taking vitamins will keep you healthy, but the only way to keep your body in good condition is to eat the right foods.

One way to do this is to follow the Glycaemic Index (GI) diet, which has its roots in China. Over the last 2,000 years, the Chinese have been building on the philosopher Confucius’s idea that eating the right foods can help you to ‘improve your life balance’ i.e. to feel good.

British eating habits today tend towards the unhealthy. During the Industrial Revolution, people were facing times of huge stress and turned to sugar and fats to keep them going from day to day. Now, these habits continue, with the British ingesting more fat every day than any other Europeans.

We also tend to snack, especially on sugary treats. This is where the GI diet can help.

The GI diet uses the Glycaemic Index to analyze the ‘healthiness’ of food. It rates food on a scale of one to 100 and usually uses glucose - which has a GI value of 100 - as the reference. The effect that other foods have on blood sugar levels are then compared with this. In simple terms, the GI

index tells us whether a food raises blood sugar levels dramatically, moderately or a little bit.

Foods that have only a slow, small effect on blood sugar have a low GI value, while those causing a rapid and massive rise in blood sugar have a high GI value. Foods with a low GI index are better for you because they are low in sugar and keep your blood sugar at a steady level so that you do not feel tempted to snack on things that you should not.

Cabbage

Cabbage is a low GI food, with a value of 10. It contains many essential vitamins and minerals and is useful for preventing high blood pressure and coronary heart disease. The Chinese believe that eating cabbage can relieve distracted, drunk and achy feelings, so eat this when you get home from a night out!

Sweet-and-sour cabbage: Slice approx. 250g of cabbage and add to a heated, oiled pan or wok. Fry until half cooked. Add a pinch of sugar, one of salt and some vinegar.

Continue to fry until cooked. Serve with brown pasta or rice – avoid the white versions as they are too sugary.

By Adrian Raudaschl Health Correspondent

Y

ou have seen it on TV; been blown away by The Matrix, marvelled at Bruce Lee and secretly practiced it in front of your bathroom mirror.

I’m talking of course, about the Martial Arts. If you are not doing one already, then you may have contemplated it as some time. Maybe you want to start one his semester. But with so many different styles around (especially within the Athletic Union), how do you decide which type is right for you? And what sort of impact could it have on your life?

A lot of the better-known martial arts have originated from the Far East.

Some styles stress street combat, others stress sports skills and competition, some internal energy or chi, while still others are traditional arts that stress perfection of technique.

There is no ‘best’ martial art style.

It all depends on what you want to achieve, and how hard you are willing to work at it. There is a corresponding style for every level of fitness.

Martial arts are a self-improvement method, whose aim is to make you independent and able to face problems head on. The most common reason I hear for training is to get into better physical condition. Whether that means losing weight, getting stronger or just getting more active, it is a great way to get into shape and can be a good laugh.

As a result of participating, many people have experienced better control of their everyday lives and improved their endurance, strength, flexibility and overall stress levels.

Choose your style Below is a brief description of each of the broad categories of styles –the stand-up styles, throwing styles, weapons based styles and low impact

or internal styles. Bear in mind that this is by no means a complete list, and simply a starting point in your search for a style that is right for you.

Stand-up martial arts styles are the most popular (the ones you cannot avoid in any action film). The style utilizes punching, kicking and blocking as the main focus of their art. A student learns various stances, footwork and combinations in practice, which vary in appearance and application depending on the style. Styles include Karate, Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Do and Kickboxing.

The weapons based styles are my personal favourite. This style focuses the majority of the practice on the use of one or more weapons. With some of these styles there are also correspondings traditional and cultural stylings to be considered. However, some arts were developed simply as a way to kick ass. These include: Kali, Iado, and Kendo (‘The Last Samurai’ anyone?).

The Low impact or Meditative styles are becoming increasingly popular with students in recent years.

These styles, while originally formed for combat purposes, have evolved into what are today more focused on breathing, internal energy, stress relief and a low impact form of training.

They require great amounts of discipline in themselves to perform, and are complementary to any other sport you may participate in. The best-known are: Tai Chi, Yoga, Ba Gua and Chi Gong based styles.

Consider which type of practice appeals to you. Go along to the Athletic Union and ask for some of the clubs training times. You do not have to participate, and watching from the sidelines is fine. It is important that you choose a system that you think you can realistically stick with and are comfortable with if you are going to make martial arts a permenant part of your life.

Onion

CABBAGE: Lovely Below are some recipes for foods that are eaten in China because they are low on the GI index:

Onion also has a GI value of 10. In China, onions are used to treat high blood pressure, coronary heart disease, diabetes and dysentery.

Beef and onions: Slice approx. 150g of onion and 250g lean beef. Put the beef into a bowl and add a pinch of ginger and a little vinegar to bloat the beef. Heat some oil in a pan or wok, add the beef to the pan and fry until half-cooked.

Then put the onion into the pan and add a pinch of salt and a splash of water. Fry until cooked. Serve with brown rice or noodles.

MARTIAL ARTS: “Take that! And that!”

Page 12

Science & Environment

October 31 2005

science@gairrhydd.com

Planet of the apes?

Apparently not, according to a major new report...

By Lindle Markwell

Chairman of the Ape Alliance, "Governments in countries like the UK that provide a market for palm oil must legislate to make their corporations responsible and accountable for their impacts.

If not, it is we who will have to explain to our children that the orangutan became extinct, not because of a lack of knowledge, but because of corporate greed and a lack of political will."

Environment Correspondent

C

onsumer desires are reportedly the biggest threat to the survival of orang-utans, and supermarkets in the UK are fuelling the likely extinction of this species.

This is according to a report carried out by Friends of the Earth and a number of international ape conservation groups The report warned that the everincreasing demand for palm-oil, a type of vegetable oil, is obliterating the habitats of orang-utans.

One in ten supermarket products have been found to contain palm oil, so although many of us may never have heard of it, we can bet our student loans that we are using and consuming the stuff.

The more we consume, the more the natural world suffers From Walkers crisps to Kellogg’s Fruit & Fibre, from a range of cosmetics to Dove soap, the more we consume, the more the natural world seems to suffer.

Yes, once again the ever-consuming West is being accused of encouraging the destruction of the environment.

Rainforests, particularly in Malaysia and Indonesia, are being torn down to make way for palm-oil planta-

There are links to human rights violations and exploitation

You’ve been orangu-tangoed tions, and the ‘Oil for Ape’ Scandal report suggests that as many as 5,000 Orang-utans are dying each year as a result of this destruction.

It has been warned that if current rates continue then the species could be extinct within 12 years, and the survival of the Sumatran tiger will also be endangered.

It has been said that palm oil production is also linked to human rights

abuses and worker exploitation, as the establishment of plantations on land originally owned by indigenous peoples often leads to conflict.

Workers are apparently forced to contend with low wages and appalling living conditions.

Evidently the market demand for palm oil is not about to subside, but it seems that it may be time for our government to minimise the impacts of

Would you like to see my third leg?

By Paul Hunt

Science Correspondent

I

magine that you are Paul Robinson from Neighbours. You were beaten up and thrown off a cliff and due to infection your leg was amputated.

You have to spend the rest of your life terrorising Ramsay Street but with only one leg. But there is a hope....

Scientists at the Wistar Insttitute in America have accidentally genetically modified a mouse with the capability to regenerate whole toes, its tail and large parts of internal organs.

The regenerative capabilities of some animals have been known for a long time, but it has always been assumed that the ability was lost in mammals as an evolutionary trade off.

Mammals heal quickly, preventing infection but in doing so they have lost ability to form the necessary structures for regeneration.

The mouse in question was created whilst investigating the disease lupus.

Its amazing regenerative properties were found when a hole punched in the ear for tagging healed completely after 30 days leaving no scar.

The researchers then tried amputating digits and the tail, all of which

completely regenerated; the mouse even regenerated a hole burnt through its heart.

The ability to regenerate is linked to genes only normally switched on during foetal development and stem cells.

The stem cells, only present in foetal development, are able to become any cell type but once they have become that type (be it muscle, skin or bone etc) they cannot become anything else.

This is the reason why they are interesting to researchers, as they are like a cellular blank canvas.

The 20 or so genes involved in regeneration can cause the cells to dedifferentiate - i.e return to being stem cells - where they are then free to become any other cells and divide to form a new limb, aided by genes that promote growth during development.

Regenerating mice is all well and good but how will this help Paul Robinson become a bipedal tyrant again? After all wouldn’t you have to be born with these mutations to give the ability to regenerate?

Apparently not, when foetal cells from the mutant mice were injected into normal mice they also gained the ability to regenerate up to six months

after the injections.

Apart from the obvious bonus of being able to grow back a limb, there are many other possibilities for this technology.

Every time someone suffers a heart attack, their heart is weakened by tissue damage, increasing the likelihood of further heart trouble.

Therefore the ability to regenerate without scarring would negate this risk, and even blindness could be cured, as the optic nerve can be regenerated in salamanders.

So what are the negatives?

The brain is never able to regenerate, and as the cells divide much quicker in these animals there would in theory - be an increased risk of cancer.

There are also moral questions, as there might be objection to using this transgenic technology, unless the proteins involved can be synthesised in vitro, and if hideous injuries are to be cured as if new what is the draw back to war?

This research is obviously in it’s early stages and it will be many years before it will even be tested on humans. Encouraging though it is, Paul Robinson best not throw away his wooden leg just yet.

British companies on the environment.

Almost two months ago the United Nations published the Kinshasa Declaration, an action plan backed by the UK Government to protect crucial forest areas and save the world’s great apes from extinction, yet not a single UK supermarket can guarantee that its palm oil comes from non-destructive sources.

According to Ian Redmond,

Supermarkets can choose to buy their palm oil from sustainable sources, as they have the opportunity to join the Roundtable for Sustainable Palm Oil. So it seems that it’s about time they take such steps to face up to their corporate responsibilities while there are Orang-utans and rainforests left.

This doesn’t seem like a time for the boycott of yet another product, but perhaps it is time to ensure that the Company Law Reform Bill stops big business from damaging peoples' lives and the environment.

gair rhydd isn’t just for Journalism students!

If you’ve got an interest in any area of science and want to contribute, email Science on: science@gairrhydd.com.

WONDERCURE

By Victoria Sayce

Science Correspondent

T

hese days, it seems that wherever you look there's a new superbug or killer contagion popping out of the woodwork.

Many of which are showing growing resistance to our range of current treatments and causing mass panic amongst the World's population.

So what defense is there against these potentially pandemic viruses which doom-sayers and Jack Straw warn us could kill millions worldwide and thousands domestically?

Luckily for us a new breakthrough has come along at just the right time, and unlike currently available antivirals such as Tamiflu, that only act to reduce the severity of symptoms, this new addition to the medical arsenal could quite literally stop the flu virus as well as many others in their tracks.

These potential saviours come in the tiny form of molecules called defensins.

These disease fighters are produced by nearly every multicellular organism, and work by binding with the viruses and disabling them by blocking their entrance into cells.

They're also non-pathogen specific,

meaning they are equally effective against bacterial infections, even those that are antibiotic resistant.

The existence of these molecules has been known about for the last 20 years, but until now they've not been fully understood and scientists haven't been able to mass-produce pure enough concentrations for drug development and testing.

All this now looks set to change, with the discovery of a defensin called plectasin, in a black fungus from European pine forests.

A team of microbiologists have produce large quantities of the molecule by plugging this gene into a fungal protein expression system.

Tests of the compound on the bacteria Streptococcus pneumoniae ,which causes pneumonia, meningitis and strep throat have shown it to be just as effective as penicillin at killing the bugs.

So, not only do defensins stand a good chance of preventing any future deadly flu pandemics, they may also work against antibiotic-resistant Superbugs such as MRSA and may even be able to halt the progression of HIV (the true global killer) after infection. Now that truly is worth getting worked up about.

Politics

Page 14

October 31 2005

politics@gairrhydd.com

New government legislation could stop future international students from coming here to study, and everyone stands to lose out

Shutting the door?

By Andrew Mickel Political Editor

I

T PERHAPS shouldn’t be surprising that the government is proposing changes to the immigration system that will work against those who deserve to come into the country.

What may surprise you is that this time it isn’t a distant event of watching asylum seekers being deported on the news. Instead, future foreign students who wish to study here could be blocked under radical changes to the current system.

As outlined in the box below, current applicants for student visas are highly likely to be turned down by immigration officers, but subsequently have a good chance of getting in through appeal. The system overhaul will remove this fundamental right.

But the plans have already stirred a rising opposition to the plans. "It’s outrageous that the Home Office is even considering this," said Cardiff University Students’ Union President Pete Goodman, “when such a vast number of students get in on appeal."

The outcry against the changes has united some unlikely bedfellows. In Parliament the Lib Dems are joined in their opposition by rebelling Labour MPs; the campaign is led by the National Union of Students (NUS) and even has the tacit support of the Confederation of British Industry (CBI), who fear what the loss of students could do to the future skills base of the work force.

GOVERNMENT

The government has branded the response by universities an ‘overreaction’, and their majority looks likely to steer the Bill through Parliament. But there are those at Westminster who are prepared to speak up.

John McDonnell, a Labour MP from West London whose constituency covers the deportation centre at Harmsworth, spoke to a gathering of Student Union representatives before they lobbied MPs for change in Parliament earlier this month. "[The policy] is based racism, it’s based upon prejudice…it’s based upon what the Daily Mail might say tomorrow," said

an empassioned Mr McDonnell. "It flies in the face of everything Blair and Brown say about helping the developing world."

The problem, as the NUS have pointed out, is that two branches of government are working at odds with each other. The Home Office is keen to continue to look tough on immigration, whilst the education department have a need to protect universities, which have a lot to lose from the proposed changes.

INTERNATIONAL: Future students may be blocked from coming here

PROBLEMS

Under the current system, immigration officers decide themselves whether a student deserves an education visa or not. However, as Catherine Marsden from Universities UK (UUK) points out-- a body representing all of the vice-chancellors and principals of higher education institutions in the country - reasons for refusal can be very subjective, with ‘very, very poor decision making denying access to many.’ Such is the severity of the situation that this has been the first ever topic that the whole of the UUK has agreed on.

The current system may be unfair, but at least there is a right of appeal to recourse to The problems caused by immigration officers are at the heart of the problem. They may often make their decision based on hunches, and immigration officers are naturally loathe to contradicting the verdict that a colleague may have already reached on a case.

As it currently stands, the system may be unfair, but there is at least the right of appeal to recourse to. At the University of Sheffield, the appeals process gets 90% of students their visas; without this safety net, all the students who applied for visas would not have been allowed to study here.

There are already signs of a drop in applicant numbers. Despite the fact

WHAT WILL CHANGE ! The Immigration, Asylum and Nationality Bill currently passing through Parliament will remove the right of appeal from international students who are refused a student visa. ! Current arrangements already test a student’s means to fund themselves, confirm they have a place at university and ensure that they are here primarily to study. ! However, the decision is made by immigration officers. There is a clear need for appeals in a subjective system like this; government figures show that 25% of student appeals against their initial decisions are successful. ! In it’s place a radical ovverhaul of the current system has been proposed, suggesting an objective, points based system- but no details of the test have been released. Many international students are already put off by limits on entry to the UK, and potentially many more will be unable to enter the country to study.

WHO STANDS TO LOSE WHA FOREIGN ST U D E N T T S could lose un one of their bigg iversity places est sources they

of revenue... D research studen deserve... UNIV E paid until now...ts... OTHER STUDENTS, m PARTMENTS, especially sc ERSITIES will lose ay T cation a year... T HE ECONOMY will lose have to pick up the bill thatience, could lose many m HE UK’S repu tation as an inte uch of the £4bn exports earninforeign students have rnational seat of gs learning could be we make on edupermanently lost that universities are desperate for the cash that foreign students bring in, UCAS shows that applications from the lucrative Chinese market are down 23%, compared to a rise of 15% in the USA. Not only will this deprive the universities of money, but it will do so in key departments. 48% of post-graduates are from outside of the EU, and fill up many research divisions, particularly in science. Without them, many universities would simply be glorified humanities departments.

This is also not just an issue for universities and foreign students, but for domestic students too. Without the amount of money coming in from foreign students, the institutions will have to raise the money in other ways; increased variable tuition fees would be an obvious answer to funding shortfalls.

Without foreign money and students, many universities would simply be glorified Humanities departments It is not surprising that numbers of foreign applicants to British universities are falling. A crucial test for immi-

gration into any country is the history of the applicant. So potential students are less likely to even bother applying to the UK if it is likely to leave a black mark against their name.

Foreign students also play an ambassador role to the rest of the world; the UK has long been seen as a beacon of high class education that will train the best. The rule changes look certain to put an end to that.

SUPPORT

So why is the government continuing to ignore the mounting criticism of the proposed changes? As unsavoury as it may be, the changes in the Bill do form part of the government’s manifesto from the General Election- they have a duty to try and pass it.

It should also be recognised that there is a current problem with the system. In 2004, over 1,000 fake education visas for South Africans were seized in Essex, and until recently there was an issue of fake colleges being set up for illegal immigrants to claim they were applying to.

However, that obviously doesn’t warrant the massive changes that are being proposed. A representative of the NUS speaking at Westminster last week suggested that the government is using education visas to fund the rest of the immigration system. With visa charges recently having been both

introduced and increased without any consultation to the education community, it’s understandable how they could have come to such a conclusion.

WESTMINSTER

Earlier this month, representatives of Students’ Union’s from across the country went to Parliament to lobby for the support of MPs in the campaign. Cardiff representatives spoke to two local MPs; first, Cardiff North Labour MP Julie Morgan said that whilst she was sympathetic to the concerns, there was little point in her rebelling against her own party line unless there are enough Labour rebels to defeat it; the odds of this are remote.

Cardiff Central MP Jenny Willott (who has written about her six months in office on the opposite page) is also sticking to her party’s line, and will be voting against the changes.

Meanwhile the chances of the Bill being changed remain bleak. But the same problems remain. As a former Home Secretary has pointed out, "When a right of appeal is removed, what is removed is a valuable and necessary constraint on those who exercise original jurisdiction." That Home Secretary went on to become Prime Minister; with any luck, he’ll remember his wise words from the past before it’s too late for future students.

Politics

October 31 2005

Page 15

politics@gairrhydd.com

STUDENT SUPPORT? It’s been six months since the General Election. What have MPs in student-heavy constituencies like Cardiff Central done for them?

By Claire King Political Correspondent

I

t’s nearly six months since Lib Dem golden girl Jenny Willott was voted MP for Cardiff Central. That’s almost half a year since her persistent campaign provided an almost daily source of toilet reading for the majority of the residents of Cathays. Now we can question exactly how much has she achieved in her first six months of office.

Jenny Willott’s election produced several historical landmarks – she is the first female MP for her constituency, and her campaign achieved the largest ever number of Lib Dem votes in Cardiff. With 16,000 students in the area blanketed by the Cardiff Central constituency, this means a sizeable portion of Willott’s supporters are from among the students ranks.

In Westminster, she has been termed as ‘one to watch’. Since May she has not only become a member of the work and pensions select committee, but is also part of the British delegation to the Council for Europe.

When questioned how she came to hold this position she simply said: ‘Charles asked me’.

But how much has she actually done for students? In her campaign, she arguably did little more than toe the line when it came to the issue of top-up fees, although she has gone on to be an active opposition to the threat to the right of appeal for international student visas.

Blogger Frances Foster devotes her site to the political goings-on in the Cardiff area (http://cardiffcentral.blogspot.com). She thinks that now Willott has counted the student vote, she can rest safe in the knowledge that we are unlikely to put any further pressure on her as a large proportion of those who did vote have probably left the constituency; "[it] makes me bloody furious but what’s to

be done? Standing up for students is all part of the party line, so it doesn’t even have to be anything heroic, just party politics."

The Lib Dems did well this election, picking up an extra 11% of the vote, and a good proportion of this support came from students. So what exactly attracts students to the Liberal Democrats? Ex-NUS Wales President James Knight thinks that it is due to the contrary nature of students, that they generally feel more comfortable supporting the opposition.

The Lib Dems, having been the only party at the election with a specific budget to target students, certainly fought hard in constituencies like ours.

Leeds North East MP Greg Mulholland had a rigorous campaign and managed to obtain much press coverage for his campaign, and even

handed out postal voting application forms outside the Leeds University Students’ Union in an attempt to secure the student vote. The editor of the Leeds Student, Jessica Salter, thinks that although Mulholland does believe in the issues he campaigns for, he has not yet had much of a chance to ‘get things done’.

The Lib Dem campaign seems to display a fairly uniform picture of ruthless canvassing, followed by the happy security that by the next election the majority of voters will have graduated and moved away from the constituency – meaning that few will demand accountability for a lack of political performance. Only time will show whether the Lib Dems can deliver to the student constituencies that delivered them so many votes back in May.

In her own words

By Jenny Willott MP Lib Dems, Cardiff Central

S

ince getting elected in May, issues relating to students have come up with great regularity, both in Westminster and in Cardiff.

One of the big issues in Parliament, that will be coming back, is that of international student visas. The Government is all over the place in their attitude to international students. On the one hand they encourage British universities to recruit students from overseas to help bring in new money and on the other, they make it more expensive and more difficult to come here to study.

As many of you will know, the government is trying to take away the right to appeal for students when their visa is refused. In a system where around 60% of initial refusals are later overturned, it seems crazy to think the removal of the right to appeal is a good idea!

Fortunately, the opposition to this move is from all sides – and, alongside me, a surprising number of Labour backbenchers spoke against it in the debate in the Commons.

This issue ties in very closely with that of university funding. I have met the Cardiff University Vice-Chancellor and Universities UK to discuss the gap in funding between Welsh and English universities. There is no easy solution, but I’ll continue to put pressure on the Assembly to make sure Welsh universities aren’t left behind.

But the good news for Welsh

students is that in terms of top up fees, Wales has been left behind! I worked very closely with my colleagues in the Assembly to ensure that Welsh students were not hit with the additional cost of top up fees, as English students have been. It seems very unfair that English students studying in Wales can’t have the same protection, but at the moment there seems no way around this dilemma.

It seems very unfair that English students studying in Wales can’t have the same protection A final area which comes up over and over is that of housing.

After years of campaigning, including by Lib Dems, HMO [houses in multiple occupation] licensing has finally been brought in, and this should ensure that all rented houses are safe and reach a certain standard. Some landlords already achieve this level, but it will ensure all the others do so too.

The Council will have more control over the standard of accommodation in the city but at the moment I still have many cases in my weekly surgery of individuals living in lousy flats, or struggling with difficult landlords – it will take a while but at least we are heading in the right direction!

WILLOTT: Campaigning for the election in May

Six months on, still no change

By Andrew Rennison Politics Correspondent

G

eneral Elections used to mean something, something more than simply the numerical result.

Politicians, touring the country to drum up support whilst narrowly avoiding the occasional egg or brick, used to lead their campaigns with assurances of action. The classic ‘first 100 days’ in office was a crucial part of political propaganda; simply put, if you didn’t promise to pull your finger out once you got in the door, then the door remained shut.

With this in mind, cast your mind back to April. Far from tabling new and rousing proposals, the three major parties presented campaigns that could roughly be boiled down to one line

each: ‘Everything’s fine, change is evil.’

‘The government’s rubbish, and immigration is rubbish. And everything else: rubbish.’

‘Think of the students! Think of the Iraqis! Think of the ozone layer!’

There was no semblance of progress. It seemed that those bits of life that were going okay would continue to do so, and the bits that were going badly were just there to be criticised by Tories and Lib Dems.

When candidates did manage to say something positive, it was often so vague that only certain species of hawk could make it out: ‘We will bring respect back into society.’ Random citizen: ‘Ok, how?’ (Long silence eventually interrupted by a slogan).

So the question is: with such a negative and uninspired campaign six

months ago, has the government done anything since?

Jamie Oliver has persuaded the PM that dinner ladies need certificates. Great Well, let’s start with successes.

Hospitals have showed signs of continued improvements, with waiting lists at record lows, though some have claimed foul play.

The number of people seeking asylum has fallen still further from the chaotic highs of a few years ago, which should appease the right flanks for a

few months.

Unemployment is steady, overall crime is still falling, and Jamie Oliver has persuaded the PM that dinner ladies need certificates. Great.

And the bad news.

Iraq.

The economy, which had become a Labour selling point, is showing cracks in the paint, with economic growth barely half the figure that Gordon Brown had based his sums on.

Added to these are the big rises in violent crime and gun offences, serious controversy over the proposal of new anti-terror laws, and of course the eternal, possibly homoerotic feud between Brown and Blair.

The problem with New Labour is that the majority of their solutions are muted and long term: recent investment in the NHS for example has been

huge, but can you imagine The Sun running a headline: ‘HEALTH SPENDING STILL HIGH?’ Thought not.

And so we hear about all the sensational bad news that makes a tabloid editor happy and the rest of us depressed. This certainly makes for an unbalanced portrayal, but Labour have only themselves to blame for not providing the loud with the quiet.

Look at Roosevelt during the Depression. He knew people were having a bad time, so he went out, put people to work, and held press conferences at their construction sites. And he was in a wheelchair.

Politics needs a violent kick in the backside – someone put Prescott in a hard hat and have him help build a school for a day; it might just raise some eyebrows.

Taf-Od

31 Hydref 2005

Tud 17

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Swyddi Newydd, Gobaith Newydd Gan Kathryn Harries Gohebydd Taf-Od

B

ydd datblygiad mewn diwydiant aerofod yn darparu 300 o swyddi newydd yn Ne Cymru.

Mae un o gwmnïau diwydiant awyrennau mwyaf y byd, ATC Lasham, yn ehangu’i wasanaeth. Bydd canolfan newydd ATC Lasham, ym Mharc Awyrofod Cymru sydd yn Sain Tathan, Bro Morgannwg, yn newyddion da i weithwyr awyrofod. Bydd 50 o swyddi tymor hir yn cael eu creu gyda’r bwriad o gynnig tua 250-300 o swyddi ychwanegol dros y 18 mis nesaf.

Cynnydd mewn nifer teithiau awyrennau sydd wedi creu’r swyddi newydd. Credir y bydd ATC Lasham, sy’n darparu gwasanaeth i British

Airways, yn trin adenydd awyrennau Boeing 737 yn Sain Tathan.

Mae atgyweiriad a chynhaliaeth awyrennau yn wasanaeth pwysig yng Nghymru, yn cyflogi dros 20,000 o weithwyr ac mae’r peirianwyr medrus a chyfleusterau angenrheidiol Sain Tathan wedi cyfrannu at benderfyniad ATC Lasham i ehangu yn Ne Cymru.

Bydd yn rhaid i ATC Lasham rannu’i gweithle â DARA, cwmni atgyweiriad awyrennau a reolir gan y Weinyddiaeth Amddiffyn. Collwyd 500 o swyddi DARA yn ddiweddar pan ddaeth cytundeb atgyweiriad i ben, a gobeithir bydd ehangiad ATC Lasham yn ailosod rhai o’r swyddi hynny ac yn annog cwmnïau eraill i greu swyddi newydd ym Mro Morgannwg.

Daw’r fasnach atodol yma’n hwb

angenrheidiol i economi Cymru, a chred Gweinidog Datblygu Economaidd Cymru, Andrew Davies, y bydd yn cryfhau statws diwydiant aerofod yng Nghymru.

‘Mae’n newyddion ardderchog,’ meddai, ‘Mae’r buddsoddiadau hyn yn ategu’r hyder a fydd gennym [Llywodraeth y Cynulliad] bob amser y byddai Sain Tathan yn cynnig deniadol i’r farchnad awyrofod sifil’.

Trwy greu swyddi tymor hir, mae ATC Lasham wedi cynnig datrysiad ar gyfer cadw gweithwyr sydd â’r sgiliau angenrheidiol yng Nghymru.

Gobeithir bydd ATC Lasham dechrau’i wasanaeth yn Sain Tathan erbyn diwedd y mis. Yn sicr, yn dilyn cyfnod o golli swyddi, bydd y fasnach ychwanegol yn creu cyfleoedd newydd i weithwyr De Cymru.

Adolygiad Gig: ‘Taflu’ Mattoidz, The Poppies ac Apple Tango Gan Elis Gomer Gohebydd Taf-Od

M

ae noson o gerddoriaeth Gymraeg yng Nghaerdydd wastad yn rhywbeth i’w

dathlu.

Er bod Clwb Ifor Bach ac ambell i leoliad arall yn cynnig nosweithiau gyda bandiau Cymraeg o bryd i’w gilydd, roedd colli noson fisol Abri y llynedd yn gryn ergyd i gerddoriaeth Gymraeg yn y brifddinas, heb unrhyw ddigwyddiad arall yn llwyr gymryd ei le.

Tan nawr, hynny yw, gyda’r noson Taflu gyntaf yn addo noson hwyliog yng nghwmni Mattoidz, y Poppies ac Apple Tango yn CF10.

Roedd y lleoliad yn un delfrydol, a roedd cynulleidfa hynod galonogol yn bresennol ersi fand cyntaf y noson, Apple Tango, ddechrau eu set.

Band ifanc o Gaerdydd ydy’r criw yma, a bu’r perfformiad yn ddechrau delfrydol i’r noson. Mae nifer eang o fandiau yn amlwg wedi dylanwadu ar y grwp hwn, gyda roc ‘n’ rôl yn rhannu’r setlist â chaneuon mwy indie eu naws.

Cafwyd ambell i syndod yn y set (achosodd y fersiwn ddiwygiedig o "Heno, Heno, Hen Blant Bach" gryn benbleth ymysg y gynulleidfa) ond

roedd hwn yn berfformiad hyderus a hwyliog gan fand llawn potensial.

Y Poppies oedd yr ail fand i chwarae. Mae caneuon egnïol a ‘catchy’ y band yma wedi sicrhau eu poblogrwydd ymysg y myfyrwyr lleol, ond fel gyda phob band, mae ‘na wastad ambell un sydd ddim yn deall yr heip. Ro’n i’n un ohonyn nhw – dwi ddim bellach.

Mae’r band yma’n drydanol ar y llwyfan, y tri aelod yn rhoi eu holl egni i mewn i’r perfformiad, a mae’r awyrgylch yn cael effaith ar bawb. Buan iawn y mae’r dorf yn dawnsio ac yn neidio (yn achos Sgwbi) i’r gerddoriaeth.

Mae CD y band yma ar werth nawr ac yn werth ei chlywed.

Mattoidz oedd yn cau’r noson ac yn cael y gwaith di-ddiolch o ddilyn y Poppies – ond mi gynhesodd yr hogia o’r Sowth i’r gwaith gydag arddeliad.

Mwy o ganeuon egnïol, mwy o hooks – gwledd i’r gynulleidfa ym mhob ystyr. Dyma fand sy’n llwyddo i ddiddanu ac ennyn ymateb brwdfrydig a bywiog yn ddiffael.

Roedd CF10 yn llawn erbyn i’r Mattoidz orffen, a’r noson wedi bod yn un wirioneddol wefreiddiol – edrych ymlaen am y tro nesa ydw i nawr.

Siawns na fydd hi’n hir cyn i ni gael cyfle i gael ein Taflu eto.

‘Gwnewch y pethau bychain’ ATC Lasham yn creu 250 - 300 o swyddi newydd ym Mro Morgannwg

Gan Elain Llwyd Gohebydd Taf-Od

Y

n ystod yr wythnos hon bydd yn rhaid i chi benderfynu os y’ch chi am sefyll eich arholiadau drwy’r Gymraeg ai peidio.

Mae’n siwr nad yw’r rhan fwyaf ohonoch yn ystyried y peth. Wedi cael darlithoedd a seminarau drwy’r Saesneg, pam sefyll arholiadau yn Gymraeg? Rwy’n erfyn arnoch i ailfeddwl.

Fel Cymraes mewn prifysgol yng Nghymru, mae’n troi arnaf na allaf gael addysg trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg yn y lle cyntaf. Ond nid yn unig y diffyg darpariaeth sy’n wael, ond yr agwedd sarhaus tuag ati sy’n bresennol o fewn yr ysgolion.

Ddydd Gwener diwethaf, cyhuddod fy nhiwtor personol yn yr adran bensaernïaeth fi o’m cyfyngu fy hun wrth i mi gyflwyno traethawd wedi’i ysgrifennu’n Gymraeg, am nad oedd hi’n credu bod yna’r fath beth â phensaer sy’n gweithio trwy’r Gymraeg. Gyda llaw, mae gan bob un ohonoch yr hawl i fynnu tiwtor personol sy’n siarad Cymraeg – rhywbeth sydd angen i mi ei wneud!

Os nad ydyn ni Gymry Cymraeg yn manteisio ar y cyfle yma i sefyll arholiadau ac ysgrifennu traethodau yn ein mamiaith, bydd pwerau mawr y system yn dod i’r casgliad

nad oes angen y ddarpariaeth wedi’r cyfan – llai o ffws a ffwdan iddyn nhw.

Rwy’n ymwybodol o’r ddadl na allech sefyll arholiadau’n Gymraeg ar ôl cael eich darlithoedd trwy’r Saesneg.

Anghywir!

Wrth adolygu’r nodiadau Saesneg a chyfieithu rhai geiriau a brawddegau i’r Gymraeg, byddwch yn dod i’w dysgu’n llawer gwell am i chi dreulio mwy o amser yn darllen drostynt. Canlyniad hyn? Myfyriwr â marciau uwch!

Ond gobeithio nad y marciau’n unig sy’n bwysig i chi; mae gan fyfyrwyr Cymraeg Caerdydd enw drwg yng ngweddill Cymru fel rhai nad ydynt yn gwneud unrhyw beth ar wahân i groliau tafarn. Mae’n rhaid dweud mai dyna dwi wedi ei glywed hyd yn hyn.

Wrth ysgrifennu at y swyddog arholiadau’r wythnos hon, gallech wneud rhywbeth adeiladol dros yr iaith yn ein prifysgol. Rwy’n eich annog o waelod fy nghalon i wneud hyn.

Dyddiad cau anfon llythyr yw 4 Tachwedd, at Yr Arolygydd Arholiadau, Y Gofrestrfa 30–36 Newport Rd, Blwch SP927 Caerdydd, CF24 0DE. Os ydych chi wedi cael trafferthion gyda materion Cymreig, cysylltwch ag Ifor Gruffydd ar 02902874792. ac fe hoffwn i glywed eich safbwynt ar y mater, felly ebostiwch hwy at elainllwyd@hotmail.com

Problem Page

31 October 2005

Page 19

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: rohypnol, roosters, roadkill and rod-wrestling.

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners!

It seems that my plea has worked! I am awash with letters (and Anal Glide III, but that’s a different story). I am so glad that you, my faithful readers, have decided to get in (virtual, sadly) touch. It really makes me feel all warm inside my rude bits to know that I am helping you solve your most sensitive of traumas, and it is so nice to be needed! So if you’re feeling left out, lonely or just in need of a bit of epistolery wank material, give me an email: problempage@gairrhydd.com Bear in mind that if your letter isn’t printed, it’s because you’re a twat bag.

Lots of love, Amber, here for YOU. Xxx

Fur Shame!

Dear Ms Amber, RECENTLY I purchased one of those fancy mobile phones with a camera. I am an avid "road kill walker" and for those of you who haven't heard of this, it's a fairly new outdoor activity where people walk the roads looking for road kill to log into their road kill logbooks.

Points are awarded for type of animal, style, spread, creativity and general flair. I figured it would be handy to have a camera so I could show off my latest finds to other road kill walkers.

Road kill walking is how I met my current girlfriend - or should I say ex over an especially attractive specimen of a hedgehog. One thing led to another, and before I knew it we were an ‘item’.

My girlfriend bought a sexy lingerie set which was made entirely out

F our-Minute Fur y!

Dear Amber, I HAVE been doing masturbating now for a few years, ever since I saw my first top shelfer...but I am worried that it's taking over my life.

On average I do it once a week, so around four times a month...I even missed last Sunday's quiz in the ‘Taly’ social and lathered up with a bit of Radox in the shower instead.

That would usually see me through, until Monday night's fire alarm left me feeling the urge once again... the 6.30am chill forced my female housemates to smuggle peanuts, and there was bare naked flesh galore.

I returned to bed with feelings of guilt. I couldn't possibly miss GMTV for solo sex...so I though't (sic) of my nan on the bog and it all subsided until I heard sex noises from down the corridor, but then I thought...if I get a bird, I don't need the masturbating. Problem is I don't know how to 'do it.'

Yours, Confused Brian Dowling Fan, Talybont.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Confused, To me, you sound like the perfect specimen of a young lad.

My only concern is that you don’t masturbate ENOUGH. Most lads like to tweak their todger around fourteen times a week.

I am no exception, though I am female. I have a tinker with my twinkle around thirty times a week, because I am of the opinion that people are safer that way, without my sex-crazed ass bothering them every couple of seconds.

The reason that you need to masturbate more is simple. Studies have shown that people who wank with ferocious continuity are less likely to kill cats just for the hell of it. They are also more likely to get a sex partner in the long run. And you can’t argue with statistics!

So have a wank on me, and when you’ve finished, go to the Taly Social and tell a bird what you did.

I hope that this advice helps you.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

of fur, and seeing her kitted out in the most beautiful of weasel fur, I thought it would be quite a nice idea to take a couple of pictures on my camera.

My girlfriend was really getting into this and she was doing all sorts of sexy poses. Soon I was out of control and reaching for my leash. Needless to say, we had the best sex ever after that!

The next morning, when she'd left early for work I decided it would be a good idea to send the naked pictures on my phone to my mates.

Two hours later, I noticed my girl-

F inger Lickin’ Good!

Dear Amber, I MUST start by saying that I am a great fan of yours and feel that you are the only woman who can help me get through this problem of mine. It all started about six months ago when me and a friend of mine bought four ducks at a country show in the beautiful Herefordshire countryside.

The ducks were nice, really nice.

When we got back we built them a pen but then my friend left in a hurry, so he asked me to put them in the pen.

I hadn’t had sex for a fairly long time so I found myself wondering

Look Who’s Stalking Now! Dear Amber, I REALLY need some advice.

Basically, there's a girl in my lectures who I really like but I never seem to get an opportunity to talk to her. She's not in any of my tutorials and it's driving me mad because I fancy her so much.

It started when we briefly spoke at the end of last year - I started talking to her because I thought she was someone else so I didn't feel nervous going over to her - she seemed really nice.

Then came summer and we went our separate ways.

During our first lecture back she caught my eye again and I started won-

friend had returned to the house. I thought it a bit strange that she was home this early, but before I could ponder on this any longer she'd punched me right in the face.

It turns out that one of my mates (who works in the same company as she does) showed her what I'd been sending and she was not best pleased about this, to say the least.

Anyway, that was a week ago. The black eye has disappeared more or less and the swelling is also almost gone.

However, my girlfriend has packed all

her stuff and left me. She's threatening to sue me now. I miss watching our favourite film - "101 Dalmations" together. Can you offer any advice on what I can do?

Kind Regards, Road kill walker, Roath.

what the feeling of the feathers would be like on my skin. I started by picking up one of the ducks and rubbing it on my face. It was SO soft I started feeling really turned on. So I penetrated the duck but felt bad because all the other ducks were quacking, probably because they were jealous. So we had a duck orgy and I often dream of my day of enlightenment. However, my fetish got a little out of control when I started to wonder about other poultry chickens, geese etc.

Things turned sour when I got caught breaking into a chicken barn by a friend of my dad’s back home. When my mates found out they all turned against me and started shouting things like ‘Freak’, and ‘Poultry F*cker’ at me. Since then my confidence has gone and in my first year at university I am finding it really hard to make

friends. Instead I find myself wandering aimlessly up and down the poultry aisles in Tesco.

Please help me Amber. Not only have I got no friends now, I’ve got no poultry either, and I’m worried I may have to resort to dead chickens that are thrown outside Tesco.

dering what she did this summer?

Now every day I wonder what she did last night? Maybe she's a closest (sic) superhero who saved a hundred people from certain death last night or maybe she's training a dog that can sign for deliveries yet violently attack door-to-door salesmen?

I tend to stare at her for most of our lectures, and she is the only reason I turn up to lectures, so she's also a good influence on me. Occasionally she'll smile back but mostly she'll look rather scared and nervous then slowly reach into her handbag for what looks like pepper spray.

Please, Amber, I really need a plan just get to know her enough to the point it wouldn't be weird to ask her out sometime, and that she won't scream and reach for pepper spray.

But I'm so scared of the potential rejection and if she didn't like me I

think I'd lose all motivation to go to lectures, probably fail the year, drop out, be rejected by my family and end up being a homeless crack-addicted rent-boy on the streets of Newport. So there's a lot at stake really and a lot of my future depends on your advice.

I know you won't let me down,

AMBER SAYS: Dear Road Kill, I’d try Abygale’s. I hear they cater for all tastes.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

Yours, Ficken Chucker, Talybont North.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Fickin, I really feel for you, but the only thing I can suggest is cov ering yourself in Trill and hoping that you attract a bird and the feelings are, this time, reciprocated.

I hope this helps.

Love from Amber xxx

Yours, Business Admin student too scared of rejection to give his name.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Business, I understand that it’s a pain when no one fancies you, let alone likes you. I know that you’re a loser but there are things you can do. No.1: have a bath. No.2: buy Rohypnol.

I really hope that this helps.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

Join two of the UK’s top student publications. Visit the gair rhydd and Quench office, on the top floor of the student union.

WHO IS GOING TO FILL THIS SPACE? gair rhydd and Quench are always looking for contributors, designers, photographers, sub-editors and proof-readers. Find us on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union

www.gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd

Media

October 31 2005

Page 21

media@gairrhydd.co.uk

XPRESS RETURN In a build up to next week’s launch ON 87.9fm, Media looks forward to the year with Cardiff’s one and only student radio station

By Laura Wootton Media Correspondent

T

he schedules are written, the playlist fresh and updated, the posters are up, the competition prizes are in, the jingles are new and shiny and the presenters and producers are all trained up.

Which means that as of midnight Friday November 4, turn your radio dial to 87.9FM to listen to Xpress Radio – Cardiff’s award winning radio station. Under new station manager Jen Long, 2005/2006 promises to be an exciting year for Xpress Radio.

While Xpress Radio broadcasts all year round on the internet at www.xpressradio.co.uk and in the student union, the first two week FM

This Friday turn your radio dial to 87.9FM to get Xpress”

broadcast is a major point in the year.

The mayhem kicks off with a prelaunch night at Talybont Social on November 1 with Xpress Radio DJs and competitions to help get freshers acquainted with the wonder that is Xpress Radio.

The broadcast launch night is at Fat Friday on November 4 with Xpress piñatas, the Funky Arse Disco Dancers, competitions and themed drinks all adding to the carnival feel and promises to be a night not to miss.

Alongside broadcasting, Xpress Radio are busy with many other ventures which will continue throughout the year. Xpress is now broadcast in association with Xfm, London’s alternative station which broadcasts nationwide on digital radio, online and on Sky TV. XFM help cover Xpress Radio’s marketing costs and provide training at their studios for Xpress members in return for advertising on the Uni station.

Events

Events wise, the X Factory in The Taf every Monday night is now well established in the union’s social calendar. It features the best of Xpress Radio’s DJs and is the perfect warm up to Fun Factory. Xpress Radio’s wellloved acoustic nights in The Taf are also back with a variety of artists play-

ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES A WINNER AT THE SRA’S?

By Heather Casey Media Editor

O

n Saturday the nominations for the annual Student Radio Awards were announced, with Xpress Radio in the running for three awards.

Xpress Radio has been nominated for the categories of Best Female presenter (Jenna Stevens), Off-Air Promotion and Imaging, and Sports Broadcasting ( Word on Sport) This year is the tenth anniversary of the awards which is hosted in association with BBC Radio 1. Receiving a record 400 entries, Xpress Radio has a one in six chance of winning in each of their categories.

Last year’s Xpress Station manager Tom Wellingham said: "Being nominated for the SRAs is always a compliment because of the nationwide competition." He added; "the trip to london is a great chance to meet other station and see student radio at its finest".

The SRAs are always a highlight of the student radio calendar. This is partly as each category is judged by industry professionals who are keen to give credit to future radio presenters, producers and technicians. Previous judges have ranged from Wise Buddah to Xfm. The gongs are presented by a host of Radio 1 presenters and SRA executives.

ing every other Tuesday. The last acoustic night boasted performances from Winter & Williams, Room Orchestra and, Xpress favourite, Fred Snow with the next ‘acoustic Tuesday’ scheduled for November 8th.

At the other end of the broadcast,

Acoustic nights in the Taf are backon alternate Tuesdays

Xpress Radio will wind up its two weeks on Cardiff ’s airwaves with a party to raise money for BBC Children in Need in CF10 on November 18th. Plans are afoot to make this a fund raising spectacular.

The final bit of news is that Xpress Radio has once again been nominated for three prestigious Student Radio Awards. Cardiff ’s radio station run by students for students is nominated for off-air promotions and imaging, sports broadcasting for the show ‘The Word on Sport’ and Jenna Stevens has been nominated as best female presenter.

Speaking after the nominations Jenna said: “I really can’t believe it. It honestly is enough just to be nominated.’

The ceremony takes place on the 24th of November in Covent Garden.

STUDENT RADIO AWARDS: celebrating at the 2004 awards In 2004 Xpress Radio walked away with recognition in two areas. David Winks taking Bronze for Specialist programming with specialist show Outernational and current Fox FM presenters Rupert Jones and Tom Bowker taking a Silver in Best Entertainment.

Since being established in 1996, Xpress Radio have regularly been

nominated. In 2002, the station broke the awards record for most nominated as it appeared in 10 categories. As one of four radio stations in Wales, Xpress Radio is part of the 80 student stations in the UK. The prestigious title of ‘Student Radio Station of the year’ is a battle between Leeds (LSR), York (URY), Bath(1449URB), De Montfort

(Demon FM), Cambridge (CUR1350), and Royal Holloway (1287AM Insanity).

The awards are taking place on November 24 in Covent Garden, results will be published next month.

To listen to the short clips of each of the nominations which will be availiable as MP3’s shortly, see: www.studentradio.org.uk

Free Stuff

Page 22

October 31 2005

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Bloody Good Fun IF YOU love a bit of scary stuff and are hoping tonight (Hallowe’en) is going to be a evening full of fantastic freaks and ghoulish terrors, you’ll definitely be interested in this.

As part of its new re-vamped tour, The Circus of Horrors is bringing its famous and wickedly terrifying show to Wales on November 10.

Packed with more new shocks and enough blood and gore to make Halloween last a season here, this isn’t the kind of show you want to take your wee brother to.

From death-defying flying trapeze artists to witch-doctors, voodoo acrobats, and even a pickled person emerging from a tiny bottle, there’s no shortage of crazy-looking, grotesque people.

Whether it’s Gary Stretch that intrigues you with his elasticated skin, excessive piercings and weird and wonderful talents, or vampires flying through the air suspended only by their hair, let’s face it – this show won’t be dull.

If you’re bloody keen on witnessing this horrifying display of the unnatural, you’ll be glad to know students can get two tickets for the price of one with my special exclusive. Yes, seeing as the last special offer voucher I designed for you went down as well as my Nan’s fruitcake, I’ve created another for you to cut out and use to maximum advantage.

And, as if that’s not enough, my fair page and The Circus of Horrors have teamed up to give two daring students a pair of free tickets to witness the shocking show in Newport on 10 November.

To win, simply email the answer to this question to the address at the top of the page:

HAPPY HALLOWE’EN, my dirty little grabbers. As much as I wanted to scare you all with a ghoulish picture of myself this week, there just wasn’t enough space.

Instead I’m giving you tickets to see a delightfully horrific circus show, guest list gig tickets and preview tickets for Elizabethtown. Don’t say you never get anything – Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst are right at your fingertips!

Blooming Lo vely LIKE SIMON Cowell would advise me; if something sells then stick with it. So I have.

Yes, after the success of my last dosage of The Times Film First Movie Mania, I’ve organised another cracking competition where, this time, you can win tickets to an exclusive screening of Elizabethtown (12A).

When I heard Orlando Bloom and

Which Circus of Hor ror s perfor mer has the stretchiest skin in the wor ld?

2 for 1 Ticket Offer Take advantage of this exclusive student offer by sending a SAE and cheque to: The Reverand Seaman, The Circus of Horrors, PO Box 4538, London SW19 8XU.

HORRORS: Freakier than Fun Factory dudes Unlike your ordinary, run-of-the-mill circuses, you’ll find there aren’t any naughty clowns and cheeky monkeys to chuckle at - instead, you’ll be given a series of celebrated oddities and walking freak shows to marvel at.

Yup, these kids aren’t your average trick or treaters. After an amazing ten years on the road, The Circus of Horrors has shown that living by craziness works. So, in addition to all the popular and established artists that have wowed you before, you’ll be faced with an amazing new amalgamation of sensationally edgy acts.

Please see www.circusofhorrors.co.uk for shows and prices.

Offer ends 17 November 2005

First up is ANDREW TAYLOR, who won a threeday tour of Ireland for two courtesy of The Shamrocker, and EMILY KNIGHTLEY, who has Pout goodies coming her way. Congrats also to KERRY-LYNNE DOYLE, who’ll be living it up with her Malibu party pack this week, and JAMES JOHNSON, who won the ever so funky Space Projector from Mathmos. The last of my lucky bunch are JAMES MULLINEUX, SARA KUTLEY, DARREN WALSH and KATIE LEE, who all grabbed advance screening tickets for Into the Blue.

Don’t forget you can still enter the Bumps Driving comp – twenty lessons plus tests paid for! Enter by emailing the usual address.

A Brief Synopsis...

Elizabethtown is a charming journey of discovery set in Kentucky. When Drew Baylor (Orlando Bloom), a high-flying sneaker designer loses his job and his company $972 million, he doesn’t think life can get any worse. Then he hears his father is dead. When flying to Elizabethtown to collect his father’s remains, Drew meets the lifechanging Claire (Kirsten Dunst), a flight attendant with an unstoppable passion for the positive. With Claire’s help, he realises his destiny is in his own hands…

Music to your ear s

And finally, the winners are…

LOOK YOU cheeky sods, it’s because of those naughty PR people that I haven’t published names of winners recently, so stop abusing me via email!

Kirsten Dunst were in this film, I knew it was a good choice, and despite my aversion to all men with long hair, I appreciated those of you who don’t really mind it would probably like a bit of Orlando time.

So, how very handy that I’ve got four pairs of tickets for the movie -

and they’re preview tickets, which means you’ll feel very special when you go and see a film that isn’t even out yet. I recommend waving them in the face of a non-student person if you want some extra fun because, like all good offers, this one’s just for our kind.

Mmm hmm, The Times Film First Movie Mania is only available at student unions nationwide, where in exchange for two mastheads from The Times at the union shop, you can obtain free premiere tickets for as many movies as you like. For more information about movies showing in Cardiff, just visit www.timesonline.co.uk/moviemania.

If you want to grab a pair of my tickets for Elizabethtown, simply email me in time for the preview on November 2.

IN THE coming week more great artists are heading for the bright lights of our Student Union and who am I to tell you not to go and enjoy yourselves?

What’s more, I have another lot of guest list tickets for you lucky beggars to win.

My first pair of tickets are for young British rock band, Rooster.

Since making their debut last October when Come Get Some entered the UK charts at No.7, the boys have had an amazing year.

The band - singer Nick Atkinson, guitarist Luke Potashnick, bassist Ben Smyth and drum-

mer David Neale - settled on the name Rooster after Nick came home £250 richer through winning a bet on a horse called Rooster Booster.

If you fancy seeing Rooster live you’ll

need to get your tickets snappy. The gig is tomorrow (Nov 1) in the Great Hall and advance tickets are just £12.50.

Following Rooster on Nov 3 is up-andcoming singer/songwriter, Martha Wainwright.

For the past year or so, Martha’s been haunting the clubs of New York City, bringing together a bunch of talented musicians to hone her sound. She’s now on tour after self-releasing her six-track album.

Catch Martha in the Great hall this week for just £12.50 in advance.

To win a pair of guest list tickets for either of these gigs, simply email me ASAP at competitions@gairrhydd.com.

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Award-Winning Television

October 31 2005

Page 23

garethsgran@besthatsever.com

This week’s Roman Empires from the TV Roman Polanskis October 31 - November 6

Rome is where the art Is Where the brass band play tiddly-pom-Pompeii

HOT

D u s t i n Diamond Te a c h e s Chess. This DVD actually exists. See Dustin “Screech” Diamond giving you the lowdown on everyones favourite squarebased long academic board game. Watch as Dustin slides his bishop up against a queen, and other innuendo.

Soaps Three-chord Hitmakers Status Quo make their return to Weatherfield this week to reprise their roles as superfluous comedic pricks in a band in Corrrie. (Mon 7.30pm) Elsewhere, watch for scene-stealng angst from Kevin and Sally’s goth teenage daughter, who is now 100% hotter since pledging allegance to the dark side of middleclass teendom. Last week she was listening to The Zutons and everything! This week, she (what IS her name????) shops around for a Nighmare Before Christmas bag, some red DM’s, a My Chemical Romance t-shirt, some black eyeliner and some wristbands. Because you know, she wants to be different. Isn’t she going to get up the duff soon?

Schwing! Where was I? Oh yeah, Status Quo - wankers.

B

ORING. Erm, this week, a new BORING epic, multi-million pound epic drama series hits the screen his week like a Carpathian corpse with a dagger in it’s neck. The BORING series, has been co-produced by BBC and the American-network-you-can-swearon, HBO, and should be the Band of Brothers to Gladiator’s Saving Private Ryan. So far, so BORING, but hey, don’t worry, there’s loads of BORING battle scenes, and pretentious low-octane dialogue scenes with Ceasar and Brutus bickering about who’s got the best Nike Air Jerusalems. Set in 52BC, when men were men, and life was BORING, and with a stellar cast of BORING British actors and actresses, ROME hopes to deliver what no other docu-drama has ever done before: a waste of our money, a waste of their own money, and a ludicrously BORING concept. Zip-adee-doo-dah. Catch the fun on Wednesday, BBC2, BORING o’ clock.

Also, contrary to popular opinion, and erm, last week’s TV front page Deal or No Deal, Noel Edmond’s new daytime quiz show starts on Monday 4.15pm, Ch4, straight after the return of Countdown, with Des filling the role of punmaster after Richard Whiteley’s untimely death. The premise of Deal or No Deal still doesn’t make any sense to me, despite Noel promising it’s going to be “a

Fudge Tunnel 6

NOT

Hair Dye Conditioner You know what I mean, the little sachet of conditioner you rub all over your hair after you’ve dyed it, and eventually decide “yeah, why not?”, and it balloons the size of your hair to afro-levels of fluff, and you can’t wash it out for weeks? That’s one hell of a “not”.

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simple quiz, with a simple host”, but I guess that’s my problem, not yours. Anyway, sorry for the premature ejaculation last week regarding this issue.

Three picks? You’re getting more than you deserve this week, you lazy fuckers. There’s a new series of premeltdown Creature Comforts (Sunday, ITV1). Not even half as

good as the original series over a decade ago, but enjoyable nonetheless, despite only being on for ten measly minutes. If the rumours concerning the Wallace and Gromit movie are true, this could be the last chance to see the Aardman studios put to good use. I’m usually watching the Pobol Y Cwm omnibus at around this time on a Sunday, but I think I could be persuaded to flick over from the backwards-talking gurning knobble-kneed freakathon for a sixth of an hour for this. xxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Gervais-ive Tactics The show that divided a nation finally gets the inevitable DVD treatment on Monday 31. If by “divided” you mean “disappointed” and by “a nation” you mean “just about everybody”.

That’s right, Extras. Not wanting to mention Curb Your Enthusiasm yet again, (but you know, it wouldn’t be TV Desk without it) but watching this, it’s more than slightly obvious that old Slick Ricky himself has watched more than a few episodes of the Larry David masterpiece. Thankfully he acknowledges this fact so I won’t have to kick his ass. On the plus side, ‘Extras’ was pretty good, if you take ‘The Office’ out of the equation. It was never going to match it, and fair play, it doesn’t try to. But Andy Millman, let’s face it, isn’t as much as twat as he could be, and gets upstaged by the celebrity cameos in every single scene in which they feature. It’s a shame, but hey, at least it’s not Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, which is, in a word, wank.

It’s post-Halloween depression week so annual re-showing’s of Stephen King adaptations The Shining (Friday BB1 11.35pm) and Misery (Thursday Ch4 10pm) which everybody’s seen a million times. Likewise, the big premiere this week is Attack of The Clones (Wednesday ITV1 9pm) which is, in a word, wank.

SPORT In absence of any football or rugby of any note, I’d like to draw your attention to five, at 3.05am on Wednesday night, as it’s pedal-to-the-floor burning rubber action with Monster Mania, which features truck racing, probably from Gristlechops County, Alabama. No news yet on whether the Truckasaurus, voiced by Marlon Brando will make an appearance.

RADIO Utterly ridiculous halloween tie-in on Lamacq Live on Monday (9pm onwards) as the customary boring documentary shoved in as a breather from the new Maximo Park b-side fodder takes a look at Maida Vale Studios. Apparently it’s haunted. Quite why this staggeringly amazing fact has gone unannounced for so many years is beyond me, but there you go.

Meanwhile, incase anyone had forgotten just how AOR Radio 2 is, there’s a new series of Jools Holland with special guest Sheryl Crow, who must have been a special guest so many times on Radio 2 shows both the words ‘special’ and indeed ‘guest’, must now be redundant. Resident fuck-awful drawling pseudo-country cyclophile, surely?

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ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 20.00 The World 20.30 African School 21.00 Animation Nation 22.00 Animation Nation Shorts 23.00 Shepperton Babylon 24.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 01.00 The Cinema Show 01.30 Animation Nation 02.30 African School 03.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 04.00 Close just killed myself.

Infact, lets seek feedback on that aswell: television@gairrhydd.com, death or citizen’s advice. Yes, I’m a prick. But I like better music than you.

Sometimes i think what i type would be more coherent if i paragraphed it, but that would go against style guidelines or something, it mightn’t look as good.

Tell you what, that’s an experiment, let’s see if it gets edited out or what not. Whetever happens it means that i have to type one less line at you, which can only be a good thing for all parties concerned. I have to go to a couple of lectures in a very short while, but it’s okay because i have the thought of

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 60 Minute Makeover. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy.

12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show.

1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. Auto Erodicka 7.30 Spin City. Don't Get on the Bus 8.00 Airline.

8.30 Airline 9.00 Hell's Kitchen USA 10.00 Office Monkey 10.30 Coronation Street 11.00 Coronation Street 11.30 FILM: Jason Goes to Hell: the Final Friday 1.15 3rd Rock from the Sun. Auto Erodicka 1.40 Spin City. Don't Get on the Bus 2.05 Champions League Weekly.

2.30 World Rally Championship.

3.20 Teleshopping. Shopping from home. 5.50 ITV2 Nightscreen. Text-based information service. returning this evening (probably after Neighbours) to type more, increasingly slower and sloppier until gone past when i would like to be in bed. I’m probably gona write Tuesday aswell, so just glance across and join me a

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Al Murray 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Celebrity Threesome 1:00 Hijacked By Sugababes 2:00 Scrubs 2:30 Scrubs 3:00 Playing It Straight Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Baby Shower 5:30 Friends: The One With The Cooking Class 6:00 Scrubs 6:30 Scrubs 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00 The Blair Witch Project 11:35 Massive Balls Of Steel 12:10 Porn: A Family Business 12:40 Porn: A Family Business 1:15 Hollyoaks Let Loose 2:20 Playing It Straight Usa 3:05 The Next Joe Millionaire 3:50 Massive Balls Of Steel 4:20 Fool Around...With My Girlfriend 4:45 Fool Around...With My Girlfriend 5:10 The Next Joe Millionaire longer. Isn’t telly great. No, i fucking hate it. bleureureureureurueurueurughh.

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06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.45 Hi-5 09.20 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "Appointment with Death" 15.30 Film: "Columbo and the Murder of a Rock Star" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 The Gadget Show 20.00 Fifth Gear Also when I was in Pinnicuntle Properties complaining about rats (of course McRatason counts, who am I kidding?) I noticed that they had a copy of the gair rhydd in their magazine racks. So I thought it could potentially be amusing if I was to moan about how shit Pinnacle Properties are in this very newspaper and then go into their offices and see if the paper is there. Talk about defeating the system from within.

21.00 Old Enough to be his Mother: Hidden Lives 22.00 Danniella Westbrook: EastEnders, Drugs and My New Nose 23.05 The Real Witch Project 24.05 Peter Benchley's Amazon 24.55 NFL Monday Night American Football 02.00 NFL Live Monday Night American Football 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

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6:10 The Hoobs: Sharing 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:25 Will & Grace 8:55 Frasier: A Word To The Wise Guy 9:25 3 Minute Wonder 9:30 Sweet Sixteen 9:55 New Boy 10:55 Re-Writing History 11:00 Rude Britannia 11:30 More Than Love 11:55 Quit: Fily Habit 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 Red River 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Rory Peck Awards 2005 8:00 Dispatches: The Hurricane That Shed erica 9:00 Wife Swap 10:00 Without A Trace: Volcano A search for "really nice rats" came back with just 73. This confirms that only 0.000296% of rats are really nice. Proof if proof be needs me that rats are nasty creatures who I should not have to live with.

Infact the only domesticated, ‘nice’ rat I can think of in the history of the world is Roland Rat, and to be honest, he always came across as being a bit smug. If you can think of any more nice rats then please contact television@gairrhydd.com. And yes, there’s McRatason, but he doesn’t count.

11:00 The 100 Greatest Scary Moments 1:05 The Sex Inspectors 1:55 Kissing Jessica Stein3:35 3 Minute Wonder: Animation In The Making: Ruftoon Zoo 3:40 F2.8 4:00 A Giant In Ancient Egypt: Strong Man On The Nile 4:20 Tudor Times: Housing, Hygiene And Health 4:40 Double Act 5:05 Off With Mcgough: Body Language 5:15 Animated Tales Of The World 1: Aunt Tiger

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6.00 GMTV. 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Stop Cheating On My Pregnant Daughter 10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame. Plymouth Final 3.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.30 Pocoyo. Who's on the Phone? 3.35 Engie Benjy.

Boat's Fishy Friend 3.50 Art Attack Mini Makes. 4.00 Tricky TV. 4.30 You Say We Play: My Parents Are Aliens. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Stree 9.00 Vincent Or I may start writing lists. Just lists about general things, but that’s merely a germ of an idea at the moment. I guess I shall just be talking about rats, Sheffield and music then.

For a change. My house still has rats. And this got me to thinking how deplorable these rodents are. The first historical records of a rat comes from the beginning of the black death in 1347.

As far as we know, rats didn’t exist before then. Now, I did a google search for ‘rats’ and it came back with 24,700,000 pages 10.30 ITV News. 11.00 Wales World of Rugby. 0.00 Champions League Weekly.

0.25 999 Frontline. 0.50 The Jeremy Kyle Show1.50 60 Minute Makeover2.40 Love 2 Shop3.30 Redcoats4.00 Entertainment Now! 4.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald.

4.55 ITV Nightscreen 6.00 Some News And Stuff

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Funland 23.25 Making Little Britain Too 23.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.25 Spendaholics 02.20 Making Little Britain Too 02.50 Honey We're Killing the Kids 03.50 Close Incidentally they claim that 80% of houses in the Cathays area have a rat problem. Do you have a rat problem? Does your whole house stink unbearably? Do you feel like a political prisoner midgassing every time you wake in the night? If so, once again contact TV Desk at the aforementioned email address. It’s times like this that I’m glad I have no friends, as I wouldn’t want them to have to step foot inside this stinking hole of a house. Next week this story promises to have gotten even more exciting as I will have sought advice from, conveniently, the citizens’ advice bureau or failing that

Legend of the Dragon 8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 10:30 Pingu 10:35 Pingu 10:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 10:45 Boo! (Digital Widescreen) Fun House 11:00 My Wife and Kids 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 House Detectives 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:05 FILM: Operation Crossbow 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Jonathan Miller's Brief History of Disbelief 8:00 Dubai Dreams 8:30 University Challenge 9:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9:30 Broken News Thing is, I realise that I come heer every week and share the workings of my mind with you and my daily goings on and it’s really, really lame and I always talk about the same things and resultantly you think I’m a bit of a prick. I am a prick, but not really for these reasons. Y’see, it’s either tell you these things that I tell you or write serious TV listings (tried that, people didn’t like it) or think up comedic one liners for humorous program titles, and I don’t think I can do that, so I guess we’re lumbered with this 10:00 Have I Got News for You 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Beyond Boundaries 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Buongiorno Italia! 1-12

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Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Paranoid Toadie tries to stop Stu and Sindi's wedding vows. Izzy's bloodstained car is found in the bush Lil showers David with affection in an attempt to block out Paul.

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Pinky and the Brain 4:10 Watch My Chops 4:40 The Batman 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Holiday 2006 Brothers and sisters, TV Gareth here. The past week has been a busy, exciting one for me. The most important part of that statement being the ‘for me’ bit, because what I deem as ‘exciting’ needn’t necessary fall in line with your way of thinking. But that’s not to say I shan’t bore you with the details.

7:30 Inside Out 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 War at the Door 9:00 ONE Life 10:00 BBC News 10:35 They Think It's All Over 11:05 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 11:35 FILM: Rosemary's Baby 1:55am: Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2:45 Sign Zone: The Queen's Cavalry 3:15 Sign Zone: Your Life in Their Hands 4:15 Joins BBC News 24

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They think itʼ’s all over Eggheads BBC2 18:00 Ch4 11:00

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE Operation Crossbow Pingu & GET A 2nd BBC2 13:05 BBC2 10:30 for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – 6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To 6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: or Not to Buy (R) (T) Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz 7:30 DELIVERED! Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00

06:10 The Hoobs: Freezing 06:35 The Hoobs: Fresh 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends: The One Where Monica And Richard Are Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me: How Nina Got Her Groove Back 08:25 Will And Grace 08:55 Frasier: Martin Does It His Way 09:25 Celebrity Life Skills 09:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show 09:55 Hardeep Does...

Race 10:20 Bricking It 11:10 The Market 11:35 Life Stuff: From The Top 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Sam Tân 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Water Stories 13:20 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Campyfan 16:25 Ofn! 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song 18:30 Rownd A Rownd19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio Penawdau Newyddion I Ddilyn 21:00 Cefn Gwlad 21:30 A I Y O Gerdd Dant 21:40 Sgorio 22:45 Y Clwb Rygbi 23:15 Legless

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19.00 Diary Days 19.05 People's Century 20.00 The World 20.30 The Attlee Years 21.30 Lost Decade Debate 22.10 The Quatermass Experiment 23.50 Dennis Wheatley: A Letter to Posterity 24.50 The Improbable Mr Attlee 01.50 Lost Decade Debate 02.30 Quatermass 04.10 Close Last week somebody viciously typed on these hallowed pages that I, and I quote, ‘love’ the Arctic Monkeys.

This is completely true, so long as ‘love’ is now new cool slang for ‘dreams of watching them burn, marinated in the sauce of their own bodily fluids’. Glad we cleared that up. For the record, all you ‘alternative’ kids who are getting all wanktastic about the Arctic Monkeys, their single was released on the same day as McFly’s latest smash. Mcfly only went in at number 3. That means that McFly are officially (according to me) more alternative than the Arctic Monkeys.

Shame, huh? And now, here before me I have witnessed the front cover of the next Quench magazine, and it has the sodding Arctic Sodding Monkeys

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 60 Minute Makeover. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy.

12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show.

1.30 Airline USA. Fly Babies 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. Stuck with Dick 7.30 Spin City. Airplane! 8.00 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions 9.00 FILM: The Virgin Suicides 11.05 The Frank Skinner Show 0.05 FILM: The Virgin Suicides 2.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. Stuck with Dick 2.25 Spin City. Airplane! 2.45 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.25 Teleshopping. 5.55 ITV2 Nightscreen. on the front cover.

My God. Perhaps I should be positive. Because this week I have not only been listening to the unavoidable bursts of “I bet that you ngngngngng...” there has also mostly been The Most Serene Republic, Wolfie, still the new Broken Social Scene, some Tarkio, (Smog)’s Dongs Of Sevotion and The Haywains.

Mostly. I see no space here. I see no space here. I see none.

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Celebrity Threesome 1:00 Hijacked By Al Murray 2:00 Scrubs 2:30 Scrubs 3:00 Playing It Straight Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One Where Rachel Is Late Here, as an example of what could be, i have left the title to this Friends episode. If I was to do this all the time then far less space would need filling. I might go with that as a plan, I trust you wouldn’t be offended.

Please trust I wouldn’t care if you were. 5:30 Friends 6:00 Scrubs 6:30 Scrubs 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Without A Trace 10:00 Six Feet Under 11:30 Six Feet Under Retrospective 12:30 8 Out Of 10 Cats 1:05 Without A Trace 2:00 Six Feet Under 3:10 No Angels 4:10 Playing It Straight Usa 4:50 Fool Around... With My Boyfriend 5:15 Fool Around... With My Boyfriend

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06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.45 Hi-5 09.20 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "The Patricia Neal Story: an Act of Love" 15.35 five news update 15.40 Film: "Stolen Women" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Tim Marlow on…

Rubens Cube?

20.00 MacIntyre's Big Sting: Yobs I think I’ve been stung by a wasp/bee once.

It was when I was young and barefoot in the garden.

Oooh, that’s a nice image.

Somewhat biblical perhaps.Other things I’ve been stung by would include the aptly named stinging nettles, and really I think that’s it. I’ve hardly lived have I? No life threatening ilnesses, no broken limbs, no jelly fish. pffft.

21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI:NY 23.00 Law and Order 23.55 Fifth Gear 24.55 The Dead Zone 01.35 Golazo Football Show 02.00 NBA Basketball 05.10 USPGA Golf I’m lookin forward to pizza tonight. I haven’t eaten since I left Sheffield on Tuesday night. Food just seems like such a mission, that’s even after fighting off all the bastard mice.

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6:00 Cubeez: Night And Day 6:10 The Hoobs: Dancing 6:35 The Hoobs: Dirty 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends: The One With The Football 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Two Girls For Every Boy 8:30 Will & Grace: Heart Like A Wheelchair 8:55 Frasier: Look Before You Leap 9:25 My Eden 9:30 Sweet Sixteen 9:55 Tate Modern: Abstract Art 10:00 Last Rights 10:50 Quit: Greg's Story 10:55 Re-Writing History: What If Fossil Fuels Ran Out? 11:00 Rude Britannia 11:30 More Than Love: Break Up 11:55 Quit: Breath Of Fresh Air 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 The Train 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Rory Peck Awards 2005 8:00 Property Ladder Revisited 9:00 Make Me A Million 10:00 The 100 Greatest Scary Moments 12:05 The Real Exorcist 1:05 She Creature 2:40 First Person: Eyeball To Eyeball 3:10 The Cicerones 3:20 Tales From The Grave: Syrian Princesses 3:50 Stagnate 3:55 3 Minute Wonder: Animation In The Making: How Evil Went To Paradise 4:00 Health & Social Care: Meeting Needs? 4:25 Real Science: Roller Coaster 4:50 Looking After The Penneys: A Fool And His Money 5:15 Science In Focus Special: Francesca Happe - A Different Kind Of Mind Woah, there’s that metaphorical brick wall, I just hit it hard. I’ve never been seriously ill or injured. I feel like I’m missing out on something. Come kill me or summink. 5:35 Extra 3: En Espanol - Trabajos Para Los Chicos 6:00 Close

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6.00 GMTV. 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Saved from Certain Death for Being Different 10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women. 2.15 A Brush with Fame. Birmingham Final 3.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt. 3.30 Pocoyo. Fetch Loula Fetch 3.35 SpongeBob SquarePants 3.50 MOM's Name That Tone. 4.00 Jungle Run Earlier on I accidently deleted the next program semi-tricking myself into thinking this was an hour long jungle run. That would have been awesome.

4.30 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live. Liverpool v Anderlecht 9.45 The Gunpowder Plot: Exploding the Legend 10.30 ITV News.

11.00 The Gunpowder Plot: Exploding the Legend. 11.50 Champions League Highlights.

1.00 Orange Playlist. 1.30 Comedy Tent at the Reading Festival The funniest thing I have seen in a long while I saw just minutes ago. While flicking and cussing through the office copy of the NME I was pleased to see reviews for the new Wolf Parade and Silver Jews albums, but I never expected the joy of the revelation that the magazine now has a personal ads section where you can find your very own ‘perfect indie boy, with perfect indie friends’ completely oblivious to the fact that the ‘perfect indie boy’ wouldn’t be reading this gumf. Damn, kinda shot myself in the foot there didn’t i? 2.00 Shoot the Writers!

2.35 Champions League. 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Three's Outtakes 21.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Swiss Toni 24.00 The Mighty Boosh 24.30 Funland 01.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Swiss Toni 03.00 The Brothers 04.00 Close Big news for TV fans as at this week’s fun factory (November 1st) TV Desk will be holding a hella exciting signing session. That’s right, your TV Heroes will be appearing as ‘special guests’ and will be more than happy to sign any albums by obscure, left-field Scandinavian electro bands that you bring along and I personally will be happy to draw a huge penis on the cover of the new Arctic Monkeys’ single if you bring it along. Sadness is that I will then probably feel obliged to stab you in the face. Swings and Roundabouts.

6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Legend of the Dragon 8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 10:30 Pingu 10:35 Pingu 10:40 Pablo the Little Red Fox 10:45 Boo! (Digital Widescreen) City at Night 11:00 My Wife and Kids 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 House Detectives 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 FILM: The Triple Cross 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 How to Rescue a House 7:30 Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife 8:00 Mastermind I also bought the new Football Manager game. I bought it in Sheffield whilst visiting my girlfriend and then when I tried to install it back in Cardiff I was distraught to see it had a FUCK OFF GREAT CRACK down the middle of it. So now don’t get to play it until I get it replaced.

I feel pain like Smack Down could never even have fathomed, and may have to resort to doing work as I’m one distraction down.

8:30 Mastermind 9:00 Beyond Boundaries 10:00 Supernova 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Tales from Europe: Poland 11:50 Tales from Europe: Lithuania 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision English 1 4:00 Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision English 2

100 Greatest Scary Moments C4 10pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Ramsay Street residents are questioned over Izzy's disappearance Serena can't hide her jealousy over Connor's apparent new girl 2:05 Doctors 2:35 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 2:40 A Service of Remembrance: London 2005 4:00 CBBC: Watch My Chops 4:10 Best of Friends 4:40 The Batman 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Watchdog This week I bought a pre-owned copy of Smack Down: Feel The PAIN for the PS2. I don’t have a PS2 but my housemate does. The game doesn’t actually spell ‘PAIN’ with capitals but I thought I would in order to get across to you the sheer violence implied. Now, when my housemates are out socialising and getting drunk and stuff I sit on my own in the living room playing virtual wrestling.

7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City 9:00 Love Soup 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Drama Connections 11:05 Medium 11:50 Diwali 2005: Karma Lives 12:20am: FILM: Tales From the Crypt 1:55 Sign Zone: See Hear 2:40 Sign Zone: War at the Door 3:10 Sign Zone: No Waste Like Home 3:40 Joins BBC News 24

She Creature C4 1.05am

PRIMETIME

Tales From the Crypt BBC1 12.20am

Mastermind BBC2 8.30pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs: Waking Up 06:35 The Hoobs: Exploring 07:00 B4 07:25 Friends: The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner 08:00 Just Shoot Me: How The Finch Stole Christmas 08:25 Will And Grace 8:50 Frasier: Leapin' Lizards 09:20 Supporting Acts 9:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show 09:55 Hardeep Does... Sex 10:20 Bricking It 11:10 The Market 11:35Campyfan 12:00 News At Noon 12:30Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Peppa Pinc 12:55 Mr Jeli Yn Teithio Drwy Amser 13:00 Triong 13:15 Water Stories 13:20House Auction 13:55The View From River Cottage 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 O O Na! Y Morgans 16:50 Ffeil 17:00Richard & Judy 18:00The Simpsons: The Way We Was 18:30Darn O Dir 19:00Wedi 7 19:30Newyddion 20:00Pobol Y Cwm 20:25Taro 9 21:00Ar Y Lein 21:30A I Y O Gerdd Dant 21:40Duwiau Coll 22:10Emyn Roc A Rôl 22:55Grand Designs 23:55Wife Swap 00:55Without A Trace: Volcano 01:45When The Moors

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Wednesday

Page 26

Oct 31 - Nov 6 2005

noddysangst@littleredandyellowcar.co.uk

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma is still the look on my face this week as I am faced with the prospect of having to do some actual work at uni. Yep, sadly I forgot that student life isn’t all about drinking and reading the occasional informative book, I have been given actual work to do (though I don’t think it’s particularly taxing, but all the same it is work).

Anyway, I’m scared, I think I’ve forgotten how to think productively let alone write.I’m sure all you first years know what I’m talking about. 20.00 Spendaholics 21.00 Funland 22.00 FILM: "AI: Artificial Intelligence" 24.15 Desperate Midwives 24.45 Desperate Midwives 01.15 Funland 01.45 Spendaholics 02.45 Desperate Midwives 03.15 Desperate Midwives I’m seeing a bit of a trend here...03.45 Close I know this is unrelated to BBC3 but can i just say how much I fucking love Phil and Grant being back in Eastenders. Yipeeee!

Wow, Grant is so cuddly with his bald head and baby face, just like Huw Edwards.

19.00 Rule of the Gun: Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister 21.00 A Concert for George..Doors, which involves an orchestra dressed up in oversized nappies giving us the scores.22.40 A Concert for Bangladesh Revisited 23.30 Censored at the Seaside: The Postcards of Donald McGill 24.30 Rule of the Gun: Days That Shook the World 01.30 Jarvis Cocker Talks to Kirsty Wark about his tendency to touch his lovely skinny face when he sings. Bless him.

02.00 Sun Ra: Brother from Another Planet that would be my lovely bro and his crazy alien band, ‘Planetman’. Sadly, they don’t sport antennae on stage, despite my pleas, but they are cool and mad, so look out for the men from another planet in Cardiff. 03.00 Censored at the Seaside: The Postcards of Donald McGill 04.00 Close the door of your halls carefully behind you, ensure it’s locked, no matter how wasted you are.

Otherwise you might end up with some skanky looking geezer...

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. My Partner's Not the Dad! Is My Ex? DNA Results 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame.My brush with fame would have to be when I was forced to dress up in an Elizabethan style dress at the age of 12 and stand in front of one of those National Trust places and pretend to look happy for the front of the local newspaper. To make it worse, they stated that I wanted to become an actress when I was older, which was bollocks.

Journalists, who’d have them?

London Final 3.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.30 Pocoyo 3.40 Tractor Tom. A Song for the Farm 3.55 Potatoes and Dragons. G'Day Dragon 4.05 Art Attack 4.30 My Parents are Aliens. Sophie Limited 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 FILM: Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones 10.30 ITV News.

11.00 FILM: Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones 0.20 Orange Playlist 0.45 The Jules and Lulu Show 1.10 cd:uk Hotshots 1.35 FILM: Alfred Hitchcock's “Rope” 3.00 World Rally Championship. 3.50 World Sport Featuring the under-water knitting finals from Alaska, the semi-finals of the three-legged pancake eating race in Spain and highlights of the sleepathon trials in Lithuania.4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News ........Sleepytime.

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 60 Minute Makeover. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy.

12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show.

1.30 Airline USA. Expect the Unexpected 2.00 Coronation Street. (Shown Monday on ITV1) 2.30 Emmerdale. (Shown yesterday on ITV1) 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.50 Trisha.

4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.40 Judge Judy. 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man 7.30 Spin City. An American Deputy Mayor in Paris 8.00 Nanny 911. (All New) 8.50 Movies Now. 9.00 The Xtra Factor (All New) 10.00 Coronation Street.

10.30 Mike Bassett: Manager.

Seven Brothers for Seven Brothers (Shown Thursday On ITV1) 11.00 Office Monkey.

11.30 FILM: The Beach. (2000, Drama) 1.45 Big Game TV. 3.00 Teleshopping. Shopping from home. ITV2 .....wandering around the corridors of your halls, hoping some stupid student has left their door unlocked leaving all their prize possessions to be nicked and sold for stupidly low prices.

Commando VIP Channel 5 8pm

6:00 Cubeez: Spots And Stripes 6:10 The Hoobs: Juciest Fruit 6:35 The Hoobs: High Up 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me: The Withholder 8:30 Will & Grace: Nice In White Satin 8:55 Frasier9:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Homeless World Cup 9:30 Sweet Sixteen 9:55 Tate Modern: Still Life 10:00 Last Rights 10:50 Quit: A Hole In My Neck 10:55 ReWriting History: What If Bse Had Started A Human Epidemic? 11:00 In Search Of The Tartan Turban 11:25 Tate Modern: Abstracting Landscape 11:30 More Than Love: Finding Out 11:55 Tate Modern: Sculpture From Nature 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 Celebrity Life Skills: Woods 1:05 The Odessa File Wide 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Rory Peck Awards 2005 8:00 The View From River Cottage 8:30 Jamie's Great Escape 9:00 Grand Designs 10:00 Lost: Special 11:05 Oasis: Video Exclusive 11:10 FILM: “The Exorcist Iil” 1:10 Tantric Yogi 2:10 Freesports On 4: Surfing 2:40 Freesports On 4: Snowboarding 3:05 Monster Mania A documentary investigating the addictive power of the ‘Monster Munch’ over innocent teenagers. Includes scenes of violence as we see what the youngsters resort to in order to fuel their addictions for the monstrous munchies 3:35 Honda Formula 4 Powerboating 4:00 4endurance: Manchester Rat Race 4:30 Transworld Sport 5:20 Countdown 6:05 Close

PRIMETIME

6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Legend of the Dragon 8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 10:30 Pingu 10:35 Pingu 10:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 10:45 Boo! Rockpool 11:00 Trade Secrets 11:10 The Flying Gardener 11:20 The Flying Gardener 11:30 The Daily Politics 1:00pm: House Detectives Has your house gone missing unexpectedly? Do you suspect it of ‘playing away’ with another, maybe younger, more attractive house? If so, the House Detectives are here for you. 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Escape to the Country 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Force Fed 7:30 Rough Science 8:00 Natural World 8:50 The Rabbits of Skomer 9:00 Rome 9:50 Scandal 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Tales from Europe: Latvia 11:50 Tales from Europe: Estonia Of course everyone should watch this fascinating programme on a play where only dodgy business men go...yeah right. Why would anybody want to watch this at this time of night anyway?

Anyone who would have a remote desire to watch this would be tucked up in bed by 8.30pm, without a doubt. 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision English 3 4:00 Media Studies GCSE students suffering from insomnia: this’ll sort you out. ....Zzz...Zzz......Zzzz.......

The Beach ITV2 11.30pm

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Goldfrapp 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Celebrity Threesome 1:00 Hijacked By Hilary Duff 2:00 Scrubs: My Hypocritical Oath 2:30 Scrubs: My Quarantine 3:00 Playing It Straight Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Scrubs 6:30 Scrubs 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Desperate Housewives: There Won't Be Trumpets 9:55 Wife Swap 11:00 Lost: Homecoming 12:00 Point Pleasant: Last Dance 1:00 Desperate Housewives: There Won't Be Trumpets Why not?1:55 Playing It Straight Usa 2:40 Point Pleasant: Last Dance 3:25 Switched Up! 3:50 Switched Up! 4:10 Fool Around... With My Mum No thanks. 4:35 Fool Around... With My Mum 5:00 Wife Swap a punk wife swaps places with a conservative wife this week (this is true by the way) could be amusing.

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet smell like regurgitated eggs.

06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too Continues last week’s fascinating discussion of good sweet flavours. 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy otherwise he’ll truss you up in chicken wire and ram his little hat with the bell on in a rather uncomfortable place.

08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig gets salted and made into joints for Christmas. 08.25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.45 Hi-5 09.20 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 FILM: "Sherlock Holmes Returns" 15.30 FILM: "Perry Mason: The Case of the All-Star Assassin" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 20.00 Commando VIP Very important people try going for a day without wearing underwear.

20.30 Dumber and Dumberest 21.00 Greatest Embarrassing TV Moments 23.05 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 23.35 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 24.10 The Gadget Show I would like a gadget that pours me a nice fresh lager at the click of a finger whilst massaging my feet and writing my TV listings for me whilst I dictate. 24.55 NASCAR Busch Series 01.45 ITU Triathlon World Cup 02.35 European Tour Golf 03.25 NASCAR Busch Series 04.15 Race and Rally UK 04.40 Portuguese Football

PRIMETIME

Nanny 911 ITV 2 8pm

PRIMETIME

6:00am: Breakfast Tea, tea and more tea. 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Paul skips town when the heat becomes too much. Susan struggles to appease the demanding Alex. Stingray quits his job. The Timminses' beloved people mover is repossessed 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Pinky and the Brain Try to take over the world. Again... and again...and again.4:10 Best of Friends 4:40 The Batman 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Road Rage School 7:30 What Kids Really Think....I’m hungry, I hate school,it’s time to throw a tantrum, I need the toilet, I want to kill my younger sibling....

8:00 What Not to Wear 9:00 Crimewatch UK 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 Crimewatch UK Update 10:50 The Worst Week of My Lifewould involve being trapped in a lift with Jade Goody and a dead dog, don’t ask me why.

11:20 Men Behaving Badly 11:50 FILM: Out Cold 1:20am: Sign Zone: Beyond Boundaries 2:20 Sign Zone: Horizon 3:10 Sign Zone: Spending Other People's Money 3:40 Joins

P R I M E T I M E

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PRIMETIME

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me: Slow Donnie 08:30 Will And Grace 08:55 Frasier 09:25 Life Stuff: From The Top 09:50 The Deadly Knowledge Show 10:15 Hardeep Does... Religion 10:40 Bricking It 11:30 Bitesize Bioleg 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:50 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 Water Stories 13:20 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad Penawdau 21:00 04 Wal 21:30 A I Y O Gerdd Dant 21:40 Sioe Gelf 22:10 Jamie's Great Escape 22:40 Lost 23:40 Make Me A Million 00:40 Dispatches: Gordon Brown's Missing Billions 01:40 Bollywood: Kuch Na Kaho 04:50 Diwedd/Close

Thursday

Oct 31 - Nov 6 2005

Page

27

courtneylove@myarse.com

19.00 Demob Happy Interviews with the ‘we-didn’t-mean-to-really’ members of the perpetrators of the Birmingham riots. Rustle some feathers? Me? 20.00 The World 20.30 Mind Games 21.00 Tales from the Palaces 21.30 Fact or Fiction: Days That Shook the World 22.30 The Thick of It George Bush realises he’s made a complete tit of himself since he’s locked himself out of the Whitehouse.

In this episode he has to go and ask ‘a poor’ to break in through the back window for him. 23.00 QI 23.30 Demob Happy 24.30 Tales from the Palaces The White Witch from Narnia reveals all in this ‘warts and all’ documentary. Life with men who have goat hair on their legs, living through perpetual winter and that unfortunate ailment of turning every man you sleep with to stone. Allegedly an insight into the female orgasm too. 01.00 Fact or Fiction: Days That Shook the World 02.00 The Thick of It 02.30 Mind Games 03.00 Tales from the Palaces 03.30 Fact or Fiction: Days That Shook the World 04.30 Close

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 60 Minute Makeover. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy.

12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show.

1.30 Airline USA. All Shapes and Sizes 2.00 Coronation Street. (Shown Monday on ITV1) 2.30 Emmerdale. (Shown yesterday on ITV1) 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.50 Trisha.

Another chance to see a classic episode. Their words, not mine. I’ll leave it up to you to judge whether this truly is a classic. 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. My Daddy's Little Girl Er...incestuous porn on this early? Surely this isn’t the only way to improve ratings? Well it’s certainly captured TV Desk’s imagination. 7.30 Spin City. The Commitments 8.00 Honeymoons from Hell. 9.00 FILM: The Beach. (2000, Drama) 11.15 Hell's Kitchen USA. 0.15 3rd Rock from the Sun. My Daddy's Little Girl 0.45 Big Game TV Fat people chased through cemetaries a la Hard Target so they can fucking lose some weight. 3.00 Teleshopping. Shopping

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Athlete 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Celebrity Threesome 1:00 Hijacked By Danni Minogue 2:00 Scrubs: My Life In Four Ceras 2:30 Scrubs: My Roommates 3:00 Playing It Straight Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Paediatrician 5:30 Friends: The One With The Sharks 6:00 Scrubs: My Life In Four Ceras 6:30 Scrubs: My Roommates 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With The Paediatrician 8:30 Friends: The One With The Sharks 9:00 One Tree Hill: Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking 10:00 The Simple Life: Interns 10:30 Massive Balls Of Steel 11:00 Spoons 11:30 Spoons 12:00 Queer As Folk 1:05 One Tree Hill: Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking 2:00 Massive Balls Of Steel 2:30 Spoons 2:55 Spoons 3:20 Queer As Folk 4:10 Playing It Straight Usa 4:55 Fool Around...With My Girlfriend 5:20 Fool Around...

Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath Just be sure not to youch them afterwards or else you could be dead. Don’t believe me? Read the Daily Mail? 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too Don’t...even...think..you...bastard...replacing...cunts. 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.45 Hi-5 09.20 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: Chuka 15.30 Film: The Big Valley: Explosion Plans for Rhondda Valley then? 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Built for the Kill: Predators of the Deep 19.45 Football (Live) (UEFA Cup: Bolton v FC Zenit St Petersburg) 22.00 House 23.00 Old Enough to be his Mother: Hidden Lives A man’s obsession with a 16 year old girl from Salford. If only she’d been to the GUM Clinic when she was 14. 24.00 John Barnes' Football Night As good a show as eating rusty nails and then shitting them out only to find you’ve caught AIDs from the rips in your colon in addition to the maggots oozing from your penis as a result of the latter-stage syphilis contracted from watching Jeremy Kyle earlier in the morning. 24.40 UEFA Cup Football 02.10 Dutch Football 03.40 Portuguese Football 05.10 Argentinian Football

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PRIMETIME

Friends: The One Where Chandler Can't Remember 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Puppetmaster 8:30 Will & Grace: Swimming From Chlamidia 8:55 Frasier: Chess Pain This is actually a factual series about the symptoms of bird flu. Better watch it you hypercondriac. 9:25 3 Minute Wonder Just leave my ejaculation problems alone. Please, you’re giving me a complex: The Homeless World Cup 9:30 Sweet Sixteen 9:55 Sweet Sixteen 10:20 Quit: Dog End 10:25 Last Rights 11:10 Tate Modern: Objects In Odd Places 11:15 Re-Writing History: What If Guy Fawkes Had Blown Up Parlient? 11:20 Tate Modern: Outside In 11:30 Deadsville 11:55 Tate Modern: World War I 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 Celebrity Life Skills: Baby 1:10 The Long Ships Premiere Wide 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Lady Bouvier's Lover 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Rory Peck Awards 2005 8:00 The F Word Flange, fuck, facaetious, foible, filch, farts, fromage, foilage, farm.

9:00 Wanted: New Mum And Dad 10:00 Misery Wide 12:00 Kumbh Mela: Nell's Story 1:05 4play: Burt Bacharach 1:15 Bollywood Firsts: Ab Tak Chhappan Premiere Wide 3:55 3 Minute Wonder: Compressed Lives: 4500: Some Children Wear No Shoes 4:00 3 Minute Wonder: Compressed Lives: 4500: I President Of My Dres 4:05 Dispatches: The Hurricane That Shed erica

PRIMETIME

12.30 ITV News1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame. Wildcard Final 3.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.30 Pocoyo I think this is foreign.

3.35 Feodor. Thunderstorm 3.45 Blips. Movie Star 4.00 All Grown Up! 4.30 The Giblet Boys. No, We Do Have Bananas A duo named after all the shit from a turkey and also song about a market seller? Genius.

5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Farewell Seth Before all you trendy, desperate OC watchers start crying into your Death Cab for Cutie poster, this has nothing to do with the one everyone fancies from that show.

Honestly. I wish it was too.

8.00 The Bill 9.00 All About George 10.00 Mike Bassett: Manager 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Wales This Week 11.30 Soccer Night 0.00 Never to be Forgotten Yeah, again this show is a reference for my beautiful self. Somehow I’ve had a mention every week since my departure. The legend of TV Manners lives on. 0.30 Shoot the Writers! Sport, News and most importantly Ed-Op. 0.55 The Legend of Zorro - Behind the Mask It’s rather sweaty because the filthy wetback never washes behind said mask. How he manages to pull so much is beyond me. I mean, I’m wearing a dashing ladies scarf and nothing.

1.15 Providence. The Letter 2.00 Too Many Cooks 2.50 Cybernet 3.15 Motorsport UK

P R I M E T I M E

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three which thankfully, after years of us telling the BBC it’s wank, have finally axed it. 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels Thankfully most of the little bastards I teach are great, although musically inept.

Only a few little bastards to deal with and a swift kick to the nads sorts them out. There, just solved all of our schooling problems. 21.00 Who Rules the Roost? 22.00 EastEnders 22.25 Trauma Uncut 22.55 Trauma Uncut 23.25 Robbie Williams: Intensive Care This is where he will be once the entire member of the GR office have inserted the first pressing of his new album, with surgical precision, into his over inflated arsehole.

Trip on that you bildge-warbling, piss-flap. 24.25 Funland Watched this last week and it was pretty good. Finally a show worthy of writing about. Ever since the demise of Desperate Housewives the pickings have been rather thin. 24.55 Who Rules the Roost? Manners, evidently. 01.55 Trauma Uncut 02.25 Trauma Uncut 02.50 The Brothers 03.50 Close

the end is surely shite. Avoid.

7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Legend of the Dragon 8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 10:30 Pingu 10:35 Pingu 10:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox The question is, who would win in a fight between Pablo and Fantastic Mr Fox? 10:45 Boo! 11:00 Trade Secrets 11:10 Meet the Ancestors 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Bowls: International Open 3:30 Flog It! Fresh from watching the film Secretary this show has a whole new meaning for me now. Here’s a fun game for you too, ask people their state of arousal after watching it, I’m sure you’ll be presently surprised. 8 out of 10 people in the office were positively dripping following the most recent screening. 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two to have sex in the Xpress toilets.

7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Restored to Glory TV Manners back behind his right and proper desk. Damn it’s good to be back.

9:00 Horizon 9:50 Underground Britain Populated by small rodents.

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show 12:20am: Bowls Extra: International Open Strange how they show this pinnacle of the sporting calendar so late in the day. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize: English 1 - Macbeth 4:00 GCSE Bitesize: English 2 – Poetry

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Car Booty Featuring infamous wobbly arses as Beyonce Ford Transit, Jennifer Humvee, Lisa Megane and Michelle McManus (seriously, it’s a car) 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Pinky and the Brain what’s the plan tonight? Same thing we do every night, write drivel until the wee hours. 4:10 Best of Friends 4:40 The Batman 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Hotel on Sea Good for a laugh but what if you leave your car in the car park and the damn hotel floats off?

Clearly a question that will plagure mankind for eons now.

7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Bleak House 8:30 The Queen's Cavalry 9:00 Spooks Like a bad smell, for one week only, Tv Manners has returned. Man you’re lucky people. I guess this means copious amounts of porn in the pictures then. Joy. 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35 This Week 12:25am: Sign Zone: Panorama 1:10 Sign Zone: Hotel on Sea 1:40 Sign Zone: It Beats Working being on half term, away from annoying children. The amount of holiday teachers get is obscene, but of course I’m not complaining.

2:10 Sign Zone: Road Rage

P R I M E T I M E

Car Booty BBC2 10pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGUThe Giblet Boys My Daddy’s Little John Barnes’ Football LAR PRICE & GET A 2nd ITV1 4.30pm Girl ITV2 7pm Night five 12am for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – 06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear 6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: 6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy 6:05 Making It: Lee Ties A Fly Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz Any Kyle Show. What Happened 6:10 The Hoobs: Cows 6:35 The Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet DELIVERED! smell of her flange. Fnarr. 06.30 show with the letter z tagged on Next? 10.30 This Morning Hoobs: Shy 7:00 B4 7:30

06:10the Hoobs: Funny Faces 06:35the Hoobs: Cool 07:00b4 07:30friends: The One The Morning After 08:00just Shoot Me: A Spy In The House Of Me 08:30will And Grace: Ice Cream Balls 08:55celebrity Life Skills: Beast 09:00the Market 09:25life Stuff: From The Top 09:50the Deadly Knowledge Show 10:15hardeep Does...

Family 10:40 Bricking It 11:30 crefyddau'r Byd Ail Iaith 11:45 crefyddau'r Byd Ail Iaith 12:00 news At Noon 12:30 planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Barrug 13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:15 Water Stories 13:20 a Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 14:25 deal Or No Deal 15:15 countdown 16:00planed Plant 16:00 Crafwr16:25 Teledu Eddie 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00the Simpsons: Lady Bouvier's Lover 18:30hip Neu Sgip 19:00wedi 7 19:30newyddion 20:00pobol Y Cwm 20:25 dudley 21:00twrio 21:30a I Y O Gerdd Dant 21:40ydy Gwenno'n Gallu* 22:10darn O Dir 22:40bandit 23:10 blitz: London's Firestorm 01:15uk Music Hall Of Fame: The Who

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6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Accept You're the Father of My Baby! DNA Results 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame. Grand Final 3.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.30 Pocoyo 3.35 Pirates.

3.50 Planet Sketch 4.00 Disney's The Legend of Tarzan.

Fountain 4.30 Harry Hill's Shark Infested Custard 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Airline 9.00 Taggart 10.30 ITV News 11.00 The Food Show 11.30 The Guest List 0.00 The Frank Skinner Show 1.00 Fact Hunt Best Actress winner Hilary Swank was in Beverly Hills 90210.

The guy who wrote the script for The Terminal just got Geri Haliwell pregnant.

Carla from Cheers plays Mrs Wormwood in the film adaptation of Matilda. The actor who played AC Slater in Saved By the Bell does a voice in a feature length episode of Scooby Doo. Halle Berry was in the first Flintstones movie. The actor who plays Barney Rubble in the second Flintstones film looks exactly like the singer from Rammstein.

All of the above are true.

1.25 Dragnet. The Brass Ring 2.10 Entertainment Now! 2.35 ITV at Reading 2005 3.30 ITV at the Movies 3.55 cd:uk Hotshots 4.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early

19.00 Tales from the Palaces 19.30 The Cinema Show 20.00 The World 20.30 Illuminations: Treasures of the Middle Ages 21.00 Alison Moyet: One Blue Voice Live 22.00 George Michael Talks to Kirsty Wark 22.30 QI 23.00 The Thick of It 23.30 Film: "Divided We Fall" 01.30 Alison Moyet: One Blue Voice Live 02.30 George Michael Talks to Kirsty Wark 03.00 The Cinema Show 03.30 Tales from the Palaces 04.00 Close Anyway, consequences: There once was a lovely young filly named Marjory, who could never tell the difference between blood and jam. So she just gave up, it was rubbish anyway. “Never” shouted Gareth, in a Bristolian accent, “From round here it’s a ridiculous idea! Why would earth would wear an orange lurex sweater with those jeans, you fashion leper” With that, he put down his cap and walked into a dark, damp mossy cave....

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 60 Minute Makeover. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy.

12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show.

1.30 Coronation Street. 2.00 Emmerdale. 2.30 Farewell Seth.

A requiem for the character of Seth Cohen from the OC, who fell victim to one of his own cartoon nerd creations which alas, not only defined him, but also destroyed him. I love him.

3.00 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.50 Trisha. 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. The Physics of Being Dick 7.30 The Xtra Factor: 24/7. 8.30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas.

9.30 Unlikely Lovers. Barry Norman and Moira Stewart. True story.

10.30 The Frank Skinner Show.

11.30 Coronation Street. 0.00 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions. 1.00 Big Game TV. 3.00 Teleshopping. ...inhabited by a wise old man with lots of warts and a very long beard who told her to go to a castle and talk to the magical unicorn. After all that exertion, he went to bed.

My Secret Body Channel 5 10.45pm

5:45 Grabbit The Rabbit 5:55 Inuk: The Mask Of The Wolf 6:10 The Hoobs: The Band 6:35 The Hoobs: Circus 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends: The One With All The Jealousy 8:00 Just Shoot Me: The List 8:30 Will & Grace 8:55 Frasier 9:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Homeless World Cup 9:30 Sweet Sixteen 9:55 Tate Modern: World War Ii 10:00 Impressionism: Revenge Of The Nice 11:45 Tate Modern: Pharmacy 11:50 National Gallery: Mothers And Sons 11:55 Tate Modern: Beautiful People? 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 Supporting Acts 1:10 The Way West 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Secrets Of A Successful Marriage 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:35 Friends: The One With The Mugging 8:00 Friends: The One With The Boob Job 8:30 Will & Grace 9:00 The Simpsons: Homer Vs. Dignity 9:30 Rock School 10:00 Spoons 10:30 Dirty Tricks 11:25 Franz Ferdinand: Video Exclusive 11:30 The Osbournes: Charity Case 12:00 The Hitcher 1:45 Bollywood Firsts: Saathiya Premiere 4:20 Great British Isle 5:20 Countdown 6:05 Close This time last week I was in the Heathrow Holiday Inn EXECUTIVE suite enjoying the plentiful supplies of complimentary Dove shampoo. Not quite sure how I managed to be charged only seven quid for the room but I don’t ask those kind of questions. I stole a showercap, some executive notepaper, a nailfile, coffee, tea, sugar, and galaxy hot chocolate.

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.45 Hi-5 09.20 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "Eye on the Sparrow" 15.30 Film: "Death in Small Doses" I may make the tea for everyone but do they really know what they are drinking? 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Great British Commanders 20.00 Stargate Atlantis 20.55 five news update 21.00 Film: "The Replacement Killers" Starring The Kaiser Chiefs.

22.45 My Secret Body is hidden on the head of The Sphinx 23.15 Top Buzzer I’ve said it before, but I’ve never meant it more than now - this IS the worst television show ever produced. It’s a low-budget sitcom, about drugs, with people in it who take drugs, written by...Johnny Vaughan.

Disgraceful.

23.45 Film: "Desert Thunder" 01.15 Film: "The Kiss" 02.50 The Love Boat 03.40 Sunset Beach 04.20 Lexx 05.05 Russell Grant's Postcards This week: Tropic of Cancer. 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters oerijtoierjtoiert .....osdifng!

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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Legend of the Dragon 8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 10:30 Pingu 10:35 Pingu 10:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox 10:45 Boo! Arctic 11:00 Trade Secrets 11:10 Meet the Ancestors Special: The Lost City of Roman Britain 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:30 Bowls: International Open 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Microsoft's Big Games Gamble 7:30 Tales from the Green Valley 8:00 Garden School 8:30 Gardeners' World 9:00 The Gunpowder Plot 9:50 Space 10:00 QI 10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 Later with Jools Holland Jools Holland introduces a diverse mix of new musical talent and established artists Joining him are Robbie Williams (twat), Ray Davies, Newcastle band Maximo Park (bigger twats) and Senegalese musical maverick Cheikh Lo 12:40am: Bowls Extra: International Open 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Waiting Their Turn 2:30 Art - a Question of Style 3:00 Classical and Romantic Music - Putting on the Style 3:30 What Is Religion? I do believe it’s a good excuse for an argument. 4:00 Looking for Hinduism in Calcutta 4:30 From Here to Modernity 5:00 Lie of the Land: Three Revolutions in Mapping 5:30 Ever Wondered? ...and of course, The Godfather

Queer as Folk E4 12am

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Who Rules the Roost?

21.00 Funland 22.00 EastEnders 22.25 The Comic Side of 7 Days 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Three's Outtakes 24.30 Funland 01.00 Who Rules the Roost?

01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 2.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Spendaholics 03.55 Close So anyway, I might be going to the cinema tomorrow for the first time in three months to see The Corpse Bride. I don’t think I can be bothered, I mean it’s animated so it’s not going to be very long, and it’ll be five pounds. That’s about a pound for every 25 minutes, which Johnny Depp or no Johnny Depp, isn’t worth it. I like to chase crabs.

Unlikely Lovers ITV2 9.30pm

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Pinky and the Brain 4:10 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 4:30 The Basil Brush Show 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 A Question of Sport 7:30 Spending Other People's Money Documentary series 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Bleak House 9:00 Blessed 9:30 Have I Got News for You 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross A mix of music and celebrity chat with Jonathan Ross. His guests include Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe, Emmy award-winning actor Woody Harrelson (who I had a dream about the other night) and Texas frontwoman Sharleen Spiteri (who apparently isn’t a lesbian) while music comes from Kaiser Chiefs 11:35 FILM: The Shining Heeeeerrrreesss Johnny!!!! Yay! A showing of one of those films you always mean to buy on DVD but never get round to.

1:35am: Joins BBC News 24 ...Others in the above category include: The Wicker Man, Shawshank Redemption, Big...

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6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Athlete 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Celebrity Threesome Moira Stuart, Noel Edmonds and Konnie Huq.1:00 Hijacked By Danni Minogue 2:00 Scrubs: My Life In Four Ceras 2:30 Scrubs: My Roommates 3:00 Playing It Straight Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Paediatrician 5:30 Friends 6:00 Scrubs 6:30 Scrubs7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 One Tree Hill: Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking 10:00 The Simple Life: Interns 10:30 Massive Balls Of Steel 11:00 Spoons 11:30 Spoons 12:00 Queer As Folk 1:05 One Tree Hill: Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking 2:00 Massive Balls Of Steel 2:30 Spoons 2:55 Spoons 3:20 Queer As Folk 4:10 Playing It Straight Usa 4:55 Fool Around...With My Girlfriend 5:20 Fool Around... With My Girlfriend

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00b4 07:30 Friends: The One Without The Ski Trip 08:00just Shoot Me: Lies & Dolls 08:30 Will And Grace: Looking For Mr Good Enough 08:55the Great Pretenders 09:05the Market 09:30 the Deadly Knowledge Show 09:55 hardeep Does... Pets 10:20 Bricking It 11:10 Bricking It 12:00 news At Noon 12:30Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Pentre Bach 13:00 Channel 4 Racing 15:15 Countdown 16:00planed Plant 16:00 Dan Datrys 16:25 Bôrd 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 The Simpsons18:20uned 5 19:15y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol Cymru V Fiji 21:25newyddion 21:35pobol Y Cwm 22:00gwyl Cerdd Dant Gogledd Penfro Ymryson Y Beirdd 23:00rock School 23:30Peep Show 00:00The Osbournes: Number One Fan 00:30UK Music Hall Of Fame: Who Killed The Rolling Stone? 01:35UK Music Hall Of Fame: World's Greatest Gigs 02:45uk Music Hall Of Fame: Jimi Hendrix: The Road To Woodstock 03:50Freesports

Saturday

Oct 31 - Nov 6 2005

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6.00 GMTV2.

9.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus.

2.30 Date My Daughter.

3.15 Movies Now. 3.25 Holiday Showdown.

4.25 Package Holiday Undercover.

5.25 Planet's Funniest Animals. Big Bird. We were laughing at him, not with him, mind.

5.45 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas Xcellent! I’m Xstatic about this X Factor-a-rama. I will watch it whilst riding my Xercise bike.

6.45 Nanny 911 7.35 Orange Playlist.

8.10 The Xtra Factor 9.10 Planet's Funniest Animals.

9.40 The Xtra Factor 10.10 FILM: Jurassic Park III 11.50 The X Factor 1.10 The Xtra Factor 2.10 The X Factor Results 2.35 The Xtra Factor 3.00 Emmerdale Omnibus 5.25 Teleshopping.

5.55 ITV2 Nightscreen.

5.58 The Xtra Xtra Xtra Xtra Xtra Xtra Xtra Xtra Xtra Factor.

5.59 X-rated X Factor

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 9:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00 Nothing But No 1's Weekend 11:00 Nothing But No 1's Weekend 12:00 Nothing But No 1's Weekend 1:00 Nothing But No 1's Weekend You’ll probably want a number two by now.2:00 Hit40uk 2:35 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00 Friends: The One After The Superbowl 5:30 Friends 6:00 Supernanny Us 7:00 Wife Swap 8:00 Friends: The One After The Superbowl 8:30 Friends: The One After The Superbowl Post-nipple9:00 The 100 Greatest Tv Ads 12:05 Robbie Willis: Live In Berlin Right, this is getting silly now.

Who is Robbie Willis? If you know then please text in. 1:45 8 Out Of 10 Cats 2:10 Wife Swap 3:10 Hit40uk 3:35 Line Of Fire: Eminence Front 4:15 Switched Up! 4:40 Switched Up! 5:00 Supernanny Us Supernanny Us or Supernanny US? I think the writers on Gair Rhydd could do with some discipline. TV Gareth would spend many an hour on the naughty step.

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06.00 Sunrise 06.55 The SaveUms! 07.10 The Save-Ums! 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.20 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.35 Franklin 09.05 Gerald McBoing Boing 09.35 The Secret of Eel Island 09.50 Extreme Football 10.00 Dragon Booster 10.30 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Film: "Brave Warrior" 14.55 Stephen Speilberg Presents Wakko's Wish To heal the world and make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race. 16.30 Film: "My Giant" The bouncer from Metro’s. All mine.

18.20 Charmed 19.10 Film: "Rough Air: Danger on Flight 534" 20.50 five news and sport 21.05 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.05 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 23.00 Film: "In the Company of Darkness" After hearing I Believe in a Thing Called Love for the 894th times during my first term of univerity I lost the will to live and subsequently have lost my belief in a thing called love. When I’m 70 I will live alone in a high rise flat with 30 cats to keep me company. What a tragic, yet highly likely prophecy. I blame Justin Hawkins. 24.50 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 01.40 Film: "Angel's Dance" 03.20 The Love Boat 04.05 Sunset Beach 04.55 Sunset Beach 05.30 Russell Grant's Postcards 05.35 Sons and Daughters I’ll never have any thanks to The Darkness.

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6:05 Making It: Hanna Designs A Dress 6:10 The Hoobs: Upside Down 6:35 The Hoobs: Rings 7:00 French Football: Le Chpionnat 7:30 4endurance: Sherbourne Iron Man 8:00 The Morning Line 8:50 T4 T4: Futura: Kif Gets Knocked Up A Notch 9:25 T4: Pure T4 9:55 T4: Friends: The One Where Everybody Finds Out 10:25 T4: Popworld 11:15 T4: Friends: The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey 11:50 T4: The Simple Life: Interns 12:20 T4: Rock School 12:55 T4: Totally Frank 1:30 T4: Friends: The One With The Cop 2:00 Channel 4 Racing From Doncaster, Wincanton And Down Royal 4:15 Deal Or No Deal Geordie (aka. patronising so-and-so) and I have made ourselves a little bet. Whoever wins the game of Trivial Pursuit tomorrow night will receive a fiver from the unlucky loser. I’m preparing myself for defeat, but please please please keep your fingers crossed for me. Hopefully by the time you read this then the smug smile will have been wiped off his sanctimonius little face.

5:00 The F Word This week: Fellatio, Fantastic and Frotage.

6:00 Morgan & Platell 6:30 Channel 4 News 7:00 When The Moors Ruled In Europe 9:10 Father Ted: And God Created Woman God did well.

9:40 Film: The Gift Cate Blanchett and Keanu Reeves star in this gripping thriller. Katie Holmes gets her baps out too.

11:45 The Ninth Gate 2:10 Beautiful Girls Jackie Stallone, Jocelyn Wildenstein, Anne Widdecombe, Cherie Blair.

4:05 Hit40uk 4:30 Do Over: Valentine's Day Dance 4:55 Do Over: Chilghetti 5:20 Countdown 6:05 Close

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19.00 BBC Proms 2004 21.25 For the Love of It An indepth investigation into the purpose of TV Grace’s presence in the Gair Rhydd office. It’s obvious that she makes a darn good tea lady but typing one word a minute doesn’t make you the finest writer.

21.30 The Cinema Show 22.00 Film: "Pauline and Paulette" 23.15 George Michael Talks to Kirsty Wark About what? Oh I forgot that he’s all political and everything now, hence appearing on BBC4.

23.45 The Thick of It Exclusive premiere of the secret tapes from George Michael’s infamous public toilet incident.

24.15 The Thick of It 24.45 The Thick of It 01.45 BBC Proms 2004 04.10 Close Remember remember the fifth of November. Going to any bonfires? I may light a sparkler or two as I sit alone in my room, attempting to extract some warmth from a single candle, hugging my knees and rocking back and forth. I’ll be wearing gloves though. Safety first and all that.

6.00 GMTV 6.00 Wakey!

Wakey! 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV Wales News and Weather. 12.45 FILM: That Darn Cat! The sheep of Bodmin Moor finally get their own back in this gripping tale of action and adventure.2.50 Inspector Morse. Last Bus to Woodstock It’s a little known fact that Morse was once a flower-toting hippy, and was known to smoke illict herbs whilst on protest marches. Be 4.50 ITV Wales News and Weather. 5.05 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather.

News update, sports results and weather report. 5.20 Best Ever Family Films Nine Songs, Schindler’s List, Doom the Movie, Debbie does Dallas, Hotel Rwanda, Baise Moi, Crash, Battle for Heaven, Secretary.

6.20 New You've Been Framed! What? Have they eventually decided to stop showing “hilarious” clips from some American’s wedding in 1996?

6.50 The X Factor. I’m in an Xuberant mood this evening, so don’t Xasperate me.

Vote Maria!

8.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.10 The X Factor Results.

Hopefully Journey South will have been Xpelled by now.

9.40 Parkinson.

10.40 ITV News.

10.55 FILM: The Howling Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwww 0.35 FILM: Angel Heart 2.35 Nobel Peace Prize Concert 2004. 3.30 cd:uk.

4.25 Entertainment Now! 4.50 Cybernet. 5.15 ITV Nightscreen. I am actually writing this page wearing part of my pyjama set. Must do this more often, it’s pretty comfy.5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

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19.00 Stars in Fast Cars 19.30 Farscape 20.20 Walking with Monsters 21.50 The Office: An American Workplace 22.10 Bodies 23.10 Film: "The Relic" Starring 24.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.25 (BST) Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.25 The Brothel When I’m not writing for this lovely public I make baguettes for prostitutes.

They seem to like extra onion in their sarnies.

02.55 The Brothel 03.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 04.25 Close And what have I learnt this evening? TV Gareth’s Farmer Giles accent will never fail to amuse and woolly hats are the new woolly scarf. What have I learnt from university? Not very much. I no longer know the value of money. I have found out that it’s possible to have an argument about saucepans. TV John learnt that spaghetti does works as a pasta sauce.

6:00: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Rachel's Favourite Food for Friends McCain Southern Fries, turkey twizzlers and Sunny Delight. 12:00pm: See Hear 12:45 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 1:15 Garden Invaders 1:40 The Rockford Files 2:30 Monk 3:10 FILM: 633 Squadron 4:45 Final Score 5:35 What the Papers Say 5:45 Flog It! 6:45 Backlash 7:25 Who Do You Think You Are? Moira Stuart 8:20 Auschwitz: The Nazis and The 'Final Solution' Martha Stewart 9:10 Bodies 10:10 Family Guy Patrick Stewart 10:30 American Dad 10:55 Ideal 11:25 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 11:55 Challenger Disaster: Days That Shook the World 12:25am: Bowls Extra: International Open 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Golden Thread 2:30 An English Education 3:00 News Stories 3:30 English, English Everywhere If you’ve got a problem then switch over to S4C. 4:00 Living with Risk 4:30 Global Fantasy 2 5:00 Mother Knows Best? My mother’s advice on how to behave on a date: “Touch a man’s knee at least once a minute.” Huh? 5:30 Background Brief Consciousness 5:45 Snapshots: How to be a Mosquito Hunter Travel to some tropical location, lie in the sun and smother yourself in bacon fat. Then wait for them to begin feeding themselves on your succulent blood, fly squatter in hand.

Alternatively, buy a venus fly trap or a handy spray. (Available from most good chemists or outdoor shops.

Wacko’s Wish five 2.55pm

Your Union

6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 7:00 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 7:25 Arthur 7:50 Taz-Mania 8:10 Legend of the Dragon 8:35 The Scooby and Scrappy Show Yesterday I will have done a presentation on this very cartoon. What will I have said about the limited aestic and linear narrative?

Something fascinating and intellectually groundbreaking, that’s what. 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11:00 Top of the Pops Reloaded 11:45 Sportsround 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather 12:10 Football Focus 1:00 Grandstand 1:05 Cricket Preview 1:10 Bowls I smashed my favourite bowl (metallic effect- fucking cool) in the first year. I’m still pining for it. 2:30 Around the Grounds 2:40 Bowls: International Open 3:25 Football Latest 3:30 Rugby Union 4:45 Football Latest 4:50 Rugby Union 6:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 6:20 Strictly Come Dancing 7:35 The National Lottery Jet Set 8:20 Casualty Tonight I narrowly avoided a trip to the heath hospital after I poked myself in the eye with my hair straighteners which melted part of my contact lens. The damaged lens then slipped behind my eyeball and was eventually wangled out after jabbing it for about half an hour. My eye’s a bit sore now.

9:10 Strictly Come Dancing 9:40 Carrie and Barry 10:10 BBC News; Weather 10:30 Match of the Day 12:10 FILM: Twin Warriors Mary Kate and Ashley V Arnie and Danny 1:45 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2:45 Joins BBC News 24.

The Morning Line C4 8.00am

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Bowls BBC1 2.40pm

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06:10 The Hoobs: Upside Down 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 French Football: Le Championnat 07:30 4endurance: Sherbourne Iron Man 08:00 The Morning Line 08:50 Scrapheap Challenge: Polar Pinball 09:55 Totally Frank 10:25 The Simple Life: Interns 10:50 Britney And Kevin: Chaotic: Magic Happens 11:15 The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy & Marge 11:45 The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish 12:15 Stargate: Sg-1: Affinity 13:05 Star Trek: Enterprise: The Forge 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 15:30 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol Cymru V Seland Newydd 18:10 Straeon Car Bwt Sale.19:10 Y Clwb Pêl-Droed 19:45 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 20:00 Ar Y Lein No, I’m a tiger. 20:30 Cyngerdd Agoriadol Eisteddfod Yr Urdd 2005 21:30 Con Passionate Porn re-make of Con Air. 22:35 Film: Swimfan 00:05 Film: Misery 02:05 Film: Kissing Jessica Stein 03:40 Kotv 04:05 Diwedd/Close ‘Twas lovely to get a visit from ledgendary former TV desker Manners of “TV Manners” fame this evening.

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bob@isinfactyourdad,notyouruncleasyouweretoldasachild.co.uk

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

19.00 Three's Outtakes 19.10 Honey We're Killing the Kids 20.10 Film: "Deep Impact" 22.00 Funland 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 24.30 Swiss Toni 01.00 Funland 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days 03.25 Swiss Toni 03.55 Close That track's garbled vocals and lyrical ambiguity are filtered throughout this record.

With no accompanying lyric sheet, most of the album's highly interpretable words not only provide fans with a time-wasting message-board guessing game but add another layer of atmospheric haze to the group's already out-there takes on sex, politics, and that whole indiesvs.-majors thing. On the wispy, faux-idyllic "Major Label Debut", the chorus could be "I'm all hooked up" or "I'm all fucked up," but either meaning snidely puts down the rockstar clichés Broken Social Scene are

19.00 Wildlife Specials 19.50 Natural Selection 20.05 The Wonderful World of Dogs 21.00 Can Dogs Smell Cancer? 22.00 Film: "My Life as a Dog" 23.45 Can Dogs Smell Cancer? 24.45 George Michael Talks to Kirsty Wark 01.15 Who Killed Kirsty MacColl? 02.15 Alison Moyet: One Blue Voice Live 03.15 BBC Four Sessions: John Cale 04.15 Close determined to avoid. Such insular stubbornness leads to Broken Social Scene's few overly self-indulgent moments, when their lack of inhibitions turns from charming to faintly annoying. Their tendency to jam out-not entirely surprising given bassist Brendan Canning's striking Trey Anastasio-meets-Elmo look-- turn the seven-minute "Bandwitch" into an aimless jumble. Along with the similarly too-free-spirited "Windsurfing Nation" and "Handjobs for the Holidays", such unchecked exorbitance damages the album's hard-won continuity. But a few regrettable overreachings are somewhat inevitable when a band tries to top a record as strong as YFIIP.

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 Movies Now. 9.35 Green Day in Profile. 10.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 11.15 Nanny 911 12.10 Emmerdale Omnibus. 3.00 FILM: Jurassic Park III 4.40 Coronation Street Omnibus. 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. Just Your Average Dick 7.30 Spin City. Goodbye 8.00 The X Factor 9.20 The X Factor Results 9.50 The Xtra Factor 10.20 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions 11.20 Coronation Street 11.50 The Frank Skinner Show 0.55 3rd Rock from the Sun. Just Your Average Dick 1.25 Spin City. Goodbye 1.45 cd:uk 2.40 Teleshopping. 5.40 ITV2 Nightscreen. Looser and slightly kinkier, Broken Social Scene indulges in the pop eccentricities and keen melodic ears of more than a dozen Canadians who take willful pride in their ability to lock together into one solid unit and make good on the sum of their unique individual talents. With its doomsday provocation of a title, the epic Springsteenian endcap "It's All Gonna Break" bursts forth with

A Week ofDressing BBC2 8pm

6:00000 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 9:00000 The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00 Nothing But No 1's Weekend 11:00 Nothing But No 1's Weekend 12:00 Nothing But No 1's Weekend 1:00 Nothing But No 1's Weekend 2:10 Popworld 2005 3:00 T4 Presents...Robbie Willis 3:30 T4: Totally Frank 4:00 Young, Sexy And...Rich 5:00000 Friends: The One With The Lesbian Wedding 5:30 Friends: The One Where Joey Moves Out 6:00 Playing It Straight 7:00 One Tree Hill: Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking 8:00 The Simple Life: Interns 8:30000 Friends: The One Where Joey Moves Out 9:00000 Lost: Homecoming 10:0000 Hollyoaks Let Loose 11:00 Six Feet Under: Everyone's Waiting 12:35 Six Feet Under 1:35 The Simple Life: Interns 1:5555555 Hollyoaks Let Loose 2:5555 Six Feet Under: Everyone's Waiting 4:05 One Tree Hill: Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking 4:45 Young, Sexy And...Rich 5:25 Totally Frank

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06.00 Softies 06.05 Titch 06.15 Old Bear Stories 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 The Save-Ums! 07.05 The SaveUms! 07.30 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.15 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.30 Franklin 09.05 Gerald McBoing Boing 09.35 Demolition Dad 09.50 Extreme Football 10.05 Michaela's Wild Challenge 10.35 Make It Big 11.05 The New Tomorrow 11.35 Heroes of History 12.05 A Different Life 12.35 The History of British Sculpture 13.05 five news update 13.15 Film: "The Slipper and the Rose" 15.55 Film: "A Man for All Seasons" 18.15 five news and sport 18.20 Film: "Flubber" 20.00 Britains Worst...

Chef "Ibi" breaks in with a woozy, five-alarm guitar-- a warning call for the track's off-key surrealism and pileon distortion. Like the shaky ascent of a homemade rocketship, the song constantly teeters on cataclysmic oblivion; shards of chords slip away and grind against each other as the track embarks. Buried between the static and the void, mumbled vocals are folded in before the brass enters and elevates the endeavor to fist-pumping, room-on-fire glory.

21.00 Film: "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" 23.05 World's Wildest Police Videos 24.00 ITU Triathlon World Cup 24.50 NBA Action 01.20 NFL Live: Sunday Game of the Week 04.45 Argentinian Football Argentinian Football Aregentinian Football Argies

I

PRIME-

6:05 Making It: Alexander Herds Sheep 6:10 The Hoobs: Cakes 6:35 The Hoobs: Boats 7:00 Transworld Sport 7:55 Honda Formula 4 Powerboating 8:25 Freesports On 4: Surfing 8:55 T4 T4: Hit40uk 9:25 T4: Futura: Less Than Hero 10:00 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:30 T4: Friends: The One With Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss 1:00 T4: Totally Frank 1:35 T4: Britney And Kevin: Chaotic: Veil Of Secrecy 2:30 T4: The Simpsons: Old Money 3:00 T4: Uk Music Hall Of Fe Preview 3:10 T4: Stargate Sg-1: Covenant 4:05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise: Awakening 5:00 The Simpsons: Brush With Greatness 5:30 Scrapheap Challenge 6:30 Lost: Special 7:30 Channel 4 News 8:00 Biggest Selling Artists Of The 21st Century 11:30 Sufi Soul - The Mystic Music Of Isl 12:30 Bt Digital Music Awards 2005 1:30 Missing Moscow 1:50 King Of The Hill: An Officer And A Gentle Boy 2:15 3 Minute Wonder: Animation In The Making: Minty Cool, Minty Cool 2:20 Monster Mania 2:50 Kotv 3:15 French Football: Le Chpionnat 5:05 Countdown 5:50 Close Just consider each disc's mood-setting introduction: YFIIP's "Capture the Flag" is muted and tasteful; BSS's "Our Faces Split the Coast in Half" gets out of bed, trips, falls down, does a sloppy summersault, and gets back up no worse for the wear. The contrasting titles alone-- one direct, one Dali-esque-- speak volumes. But, however symbolic, "Faces" is only a casual stretch, with follower "Ibi Dreams of Pavement (A Better Half)" serving as the album's first true workout.

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6.00 GMTV. 9.25 The Championship. 10.25 Skillz.

10.55 The X Factor. 12.15 The X Factor Results. 12.45 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries.

Growing Pains 1.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including ITV News and Weather. 2.10 ITV Wales News and Weather. 2.15 Volvo Ocean Yacht Race Preview. 2.45 Waterfront.

3.15 My Uncle Silas. 3.55 My Uncle Silas. 5.15 Faces of Wales. 5.45 Wales on the Move.

6.15 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV News; Weather 6.50 Emmerdale 7.20 Creature Comforts bag) David Newfeld "got addicted to the idea of trying to top YFIIP." He added: "His massage therapist says he might die in 10 years unless he changes his lifestyle." It's Newfeld's risky mixing and uncanny knack for coalescing myriad instruments and voices into a propulsive whole that defines this new album.

Whereas You Forgot It in People was exacting and refined-- each cymbal crash snipped to perfection, each underlying string melody was spare and to-the-point-Broken Social Scene is wily and flowing.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Heartbeat 9.00 Jericho 11.00 ITV News. 11.10 The South Bank Show. Peter Hall 50 Years in Theatre 0.10 Mosque. 1.05 Faith and Music. 1.40 Motorsport UK. 2.25 World Sport. 2.50 Alligators with Nigel Marven 3.45 The Jeremy Kyle Show.

4.40 ITV Nightscreen. Textbased information service.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

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6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:10 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Style 11:30 Wild Africa 12:20pm: The Flying Gardener 12:30 Sunday Grandstand 12:35 Valencia Moto Grand Prix 2:00 TriNations Rugby League 2:45 Bowls: International Open 5:15 Points of View 5:30 Natural World 6:10 Natural World 7:00 Top of the Pops bumping them to Amazon Top 50 status, the collective reacts to the furor by expanding and magnifying; another six members join the brood for its self-titled third full-length, and the band's once-refined studio sound is blown up into a pixilated blur of bloodgush guitars and squall-ofsound production that's somehow meticulously unhinged. This exercise in excess makes the ambitious You Forgot It in People seem positively understated by comparison. De facto band leader Kevin Drew recently told Pitchfork that Broken Social Scene producer (and NYPD punching 7:35 Malcolm in the Middle 8:00 Battlefield Britain 9:00 Girls and Boys: Sex and British Pop 10:00 Egyptian Journeys with Dan Cruickshank 10:30 Match of the Day 2 11:20 Arrested Development 11:40 FILM: New Port South 1:10am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for the Internet: Webwise for Business: Using the Internet 3:00 Webwise for Business: Planning for Success 4:00 Webwise for Business: Welcome to the Cybermarket

The Hot Rock C4 1.05pm

P

Jigsaw ITV1 1 2 a m

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6:00am: Breakfast 7:35 Match of the Day 9:00 Sunday AM 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:00 Countryfile 12:00pm: The Politics Show 1:00 Match of the Day Live 3:20 EastEnders 5:10 Songs of Praise 5:45 Bleak House 6:45 Antiques Roadshow I know this is probably very lazy of me, but i can’t be bothered to write anymore.

I’m filling the space by copying and pasting a review of the new Broken Social Scene album, written by Ryan Dombal. Enjoy.

7:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00 Rocket Man 9:00 Egypt 10:00 BBC News; Weather 10:15 Panorama 10:55 Rome 11:50 The Sky at Night 12:10 FILM: The Survivor 1:35 Sign Zone: Holby City 2:35 Sign Zone: Tales from the Green Valley 3:05 Sign Zone: Tales from the Green Valley 3:35 Joins BBC News 24. ”Expectations are a bitch. Ask J.D. Salinger. Or George Lucas.

Or Kevin Shields. After Broken Social Scene stumbled out of the incestuous Toronto alt-rock scene with Feel Good Lost-- a postrumental refrigerator-hum stiff of a debut-- few would have guessed this group of scruffedup bohos had a veritable classic lurking in their collective consciousness. Then, ignited by a rabid internet reception, You Forgot It in People gracefully went boom, and lots of people remembered why they loved indie rock-- the shambling ecstasy, the pitch-perfect experimentation, the unabashed heart-on-sleeveness of it all.

Now, with file-sharers queuing up like mad and pre-orders

P R I M E T I M E

029 20229977

A Gift for Heidi BBC2 10.20pm

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs: Cakes 06:35 The Hoobs: Boats 07:00 Transworld Sport 07:55 Honda Formula 4 Powerboating 08:25 Freesports On 4: Surfing 08:55 Hollyoaks 09:25 Hollyoaks 09:55 Hollyoaks 10:30 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Rownd A Rownd 12:00 Rownd A Rownd 12:30 Yr Wythnos 13:00 Maniffesto 13:30 The F Word 14:30 Dudley 15:00 Cwpwrdd Dillad 15:30 04 Wal 16:00 Y Clwb Rygbi - Dreigiau V Borders 18:00 Newyddion 18:05 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws 20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20:30 Marathon Eryri 21:00 Emyn Roc A Rôl 21:45 Newyddion 21:55 Blas Y Cynfyd 22:25 Uk Music Hall Of Fame: Biggest Selling Artists Of The 21st Century 01:55 Bollywood: Armaan 04:45 Morgan & Platell 05:15 Diwedd/Close enough ideas to keep a lesser band productive for years. The song ecstatically encapsulates Broken Social Scene's heightened ambitions and flawed Icarus journeys, conflating into a bold, brash love-in infatuated with its own bumps and bruises.

Five Minute Fun

October 31 2005

Page 31

ruiningyourlectures@gairrhydd.com

GROW UP...

W e’ve just had a new book and now there’s a new Harry Potter film on the way - that’s no good . Potter represents a very sinister mind-rot. Now I know all about the good work Rowling’s books are alleged to have done; getting kids reading again and revitalising a flagging industry. But there’s a problem.

I can’t turn around for seeing jabbering morons who are all grown up reading these things. How can we be sure that for every kid who falls in love with words there isn’t an adult dumbing down? How can we know how many of these books are being bought for/by kids? And, less rhetorically, how will they affect the adults who read them (and indeed those who watch the films and are waiting in twitching anticipation for

?

the new film’s arrival)? Badly, that’s how. Adult Potter fans are engaging in mindless escapism, allowing themselves to switch off, to go unchallenged, and, truth be told, being a bit odd.

A friend of mine, who’s given to sensationalist outbursts, reckons adults who like kids stuff are being “vaguely paedophilic”: I don’t think it’s as bad as that but I know what he means, maybe if he replaced ‘vaguely’ with ‘somewhat’ and ‘paedophilic’ with ‘intrusive’.

All of this, of course, ignores an important point: adults write kids books, but that used to be fine, there wasn’t many of them and they were regonised as a bit weird; also in some cases they wrote just as much for adults as they did kids Jack London, for one (Rowling’s

The Big Quiz THIS WEEK: all the crossword clues are there, honest. briefcase

1. What was the first UK number one single?

A: Here in My Hear t - Al Mar tino B: Don’t Let The Stars Get In Your Eyes Perr y Como C: Broken WIngs - Stargazers D: I Believe - Frankie Lain 2. Talking of number ones, Ar tic Monkeys just scored one, where are they from?

4. What has Zoo just got in trouble with The Adver tising Standards Authority for?

A: Offering readers the chance to win a boob job for their girlfriends B: Offering readers the chance to visit an orgy at the magazines expense.

C: Giving away free bags of cocaine.

D: Being unbelievably rubbish.

answers: 1.A, 2.C, 3.C, 4.A

HALL OF SHAME T

he gair rhydd Hall of Shame has been gathering momentum of late and the text phone has been bombarded with proof of your crazy antics.

Here’s another selection we are allowed to print.

Thumbing it.

2

7 8

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7 5

2

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3

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1

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Fill in the grid using only the numbers 1 through 9. All the vertical and horizontal rows should contain the numbers 1-9. All the smaller 3x3 squares should contain the numbers 1-9. No row or 3x3 square should have the same number twice.

CROSSWORD: 1

2

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Going in for a snog close up.

All night long he’s horny.

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ACROSS

DOWN

1 4 8 9 11 12

1 2 3 5 6 7 10 13 14

23 24 25 Oh dear, please let this be a bloke.

3

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15 18 19 21

The least obscene ‘willy’ pic recieved to date.

6 5

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2

HOW TO PLAY SU DOKU:

Henr y Rollins Jon Stewar t Seth MacFarlane Harold Pinter

Text 07791 165 837

5 9

Colm Loughlin

3. Who’s the man behind American Dad? (which if you don’t watch now it’s on terrestrial I’m not talking to you)

A: Leeds

1

tedious mysticism and distinct lack of social comment disqualifies her from this duality).

What’s happening now is a new phenomenon (I wonder if 20 years ago grown men had secret Roald Dahl stashes?), a kind of self-congratulatory anti-intellectualism where descending into a world of half arsed ghouls, goblins, private education and magic is positively encouraged.

I’d argue in order for wizard fantasy to be effective there has to be an element of belief. I don’t mind kids, who, crucially, get to grow up believing. But we need the adults to tell the kids it’s fiction, not steal their books. I’d do it but I don’t know any kids (thankfully).

B: Wakefield C: Sheffield D: Burnley

A: B: C: D:

SU DOKU:

Pointless (6) Monastery heads (6) Unhatched bird (3) Was bequeathed (9) Fruit of the palm tree (4) Items of built-in furniture (8) Fragrant dried petals (3-6) Slingshot (8) The Thames at Oxford (4) Mental or physical powers (9) Adversely (3) Gender discrimination (6) Canal boats (6)

16 17 20 22

Divisions of farmland (6) Difficult situation (5,4) Pork joint (4) In the next post (2,6) No longer in the game (3) Love of cruelty (6) Common herd (3,6) Publishing again (9) Paints with dabbed spots (8) Sneers (6) OT hymns (6) China’s continent (4) English eating apple (3)

‘Scopes & Jobs

Page 32

October 31 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Helping the needy with Crystal Pants

T

he stars are raining down their wrath this week I’m afraid; a bit of a cosmological spattering of shit for all. Just for a week though so grit your teeth and bare their venom whilst trying not to piss them off so much next week and hope not to die. Unless you want to die, in which case hope to die.

ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23

With the aid of a hypnotist you will relive a tragic and traumatic childhood memory involving a wardrobe and a fur coat. Darn those evil coats to hell.

Love: It’s true what they say, love is blind. But fortunately there are charity organisations that can cure blindness making prostitution redundant in your life-hooray for fire and charity and an old lady called Helen.

You will win every competition you enter this week, and a few that you didn’t. Congratulations on first prize in the ‘sheep tying’ competition, not to mention first prize in bubble blowing.

You will consider sharing your wealth of prizes with the other less fortunate signs, but know that’s not what destiny intended, so instead hoard them and gh with glee at your enjoy them and lau winning prowess.

LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23

TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21

Daniel O’Donnell will take over management of a Jaffa Cake factory this week. Instead of filling the biscuity cakes with divine jaffa he will insert copies of his Blue Jean Tour 2006 Calendar. DO NOT EAT IT or mini stinking O’Donnells will lodge themselves about your person singing and reminding you how attractive and rich old women are. Hobnobs are just as tasty, minus the offence.

Love: No love for you either.

SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 You will join the Navy this week in the hopes of impressing your distant shelllike father. Little do you know that your father hates water and all who sail on it. When he finds out about your chosen career path his rage will head straight to his fists and from there on to your face. The other officers will call you ‘daddy bruise eye’ and chant things that don’t even rhyme at you.

Love: One day daddy will tell you he loves you.

This week Venus and Jupiter urge you to take a cheese pilgrimage. Starting in our nation’s cheese capital Cheddar (why not take time to make a clay pot) and ending up in Wensleydale. You will pick up some samples for your mum and forget their stinking presence in your pocket. Slowly your friends will diminish and you will ask yourself ‘why?’, figure it is due to your abhorrent personality and do bad things to yourself - it’s the CHEESE! Love: You will start to see cows in a new light. Those big, simple eyes-you stupid cow-you give and give and yet what do you get back? "My love" you rhetorically reply "my love…"

GEMINI - May 22 - Jun 22

On Tuesday you will get that hollow psychic pain that you feel when your twin is in danger. Follow that pain to a large cave. There you will find your twin with a glint in their envious eye.

Suddenly you will remember they’ve always been so jealous of your face. As you remember this your face will be removed and eaten and you’ll be put on a lead for the rest of time. On Tuesday you’ll conjure hollow psychic pain to your beautifully faced twin, luring them to a cave, eat their face and put them on a lead. Not so smug now eh ‘no face’?

CANCER - June 23 - July 23

You will try your hand at being a Cockney chimney sweep this week.

On your third job you will discover the residents have blocked their chimney with a small Russian girl named Elijah Wood. You will take her under you sooty wing and dance among the chimney tops, drawing sooty whiskers on each others faces.

Love: A Russian you love will die from lung failure and excess coal consumption. You will never regain what you lost in Elijah.

LEO - July 24 - Aug 23

This week sees Daniella Westbrook befriending your mother. Yes, you have reason to be concerned, but your mum has always had a fat nose, so maybe a nasal collapse wouldn’t be such a tragedy. It may give her the confidence she needs to join that Salsa and Volleyball club. Stop being so self absorbed and see the greater good of your mum taking a lot of cocaine.

Love: If you wear underwear on Tuesday you may contract STIs, a whole bag full of them. Learn to love itchiness and cotton swabs.

Right, I got this straight from the mouth of Venus, not quite sure I heard her right. She either said "fly, fly, your bust can fly. Put a glove on your head.

I like windows " OR it might have been "die, you all must die. Love is dead. We’re all getting old". Sorry it’s the distance, and she’s a quiet speaker.

Love: No love for you.

Swydd/Job:

Lifeguards / Centre Assistants

Swydd/Job:

Brand Replenishment Assistants

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Ardal/Area:

Nationwide

Tal/Wage:

£5.49 per hour

Tal/Wage:

£6.50ph (Mon-Sat)/£9ph (Sun)

Oriau/Hours:

Various shifts

Oriau/Hours:

11am-7pm

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing

Parhad/Duration: 16/12/05 - 24/12/05

Manylion/Details: Welsh Institute of Sport requires

Manylion/Details: Required for stock level replen

the above staff for dry side and

ishment and reporting for a

pool side duties. You will need

brand of alcoholic drink. You

a current NPLQ life saving award

must have use of a car and be

and must be physically fit.

physically fit.

SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22

CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 Fortune is a fool for you this week, a bit scarily so. You will find her lurking at the cash machine, loitering in your pockets, chilling out in your small change jar, heavy breathing down the phone. Basically you are quids-in… unless you piss her off. Fortune does not handle rejection well.

Love: No love for you also.

AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Your mantra this week is "Nobody tells me what to do. No, not me. Nobody tells me what to say. Can’t..you..see.

If there’s a chance you know I’m gonna take it. I’ve got a dream you know I’m gonna make it".

Love: Remember this week that dry humping is good, as is anything external of pants. Wet humping is dirty and bad.

PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

A curious, foreign and beautiful bird enters your house and your life. It’s dry wit and bawdy sexuality binds humans and animals for the rest of time. Birdie becomes your side kick, you are inseparable. Birdie starts to sneeze; Birdie can’t stop hocking up phlegm. You don’t question it at first… not until the fever. On Friday you create a giant bonfire and throw Birdie on top and sing hymns to mask your companion’s betrayed cries. Tell yourself it is for the greater good of mankind. People were starting to like him more than you anyway.

Love: No love for you.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

046

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

049

WANT TO EARN SOME EXTRA MONEY? Do you want to earn £5.55 per hour + potential bonus?

Work at the Millennium Stadium selling referee radios during the rugby internationals, on the 5, 11, 19 and 26 November!

CONTACT UNISTAFF JOBSHOP ON 029 20781535 OR COME INTO THE JOBSHOP (GROUND FLOOR STUDENTS UNION).

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Jobs & Money

October 31 2005

Page 33

jobs@gairrhydd.com

COURSE FOR CONCERN A degree can be demanding enough at the best of times, let alone if you don’t enjoy it. Jobs and money look at the best way to change your course

By Rebecca Hunt Correspondent

F

ive weeks into the term and the excitement of freshers’ week has sadly faded away, and the reality of University life (9am lectures...) is becoming clear.

And it can be at this early stage that some students will be questioning whether or not their course is right for them.

This can raise a bewildering number of questions: ‘Am I able to change course?’ ‘What do I do?’ ‘Who do I need to speak to?’ ‘Should I just stick with the course I’m doing and ignore the fact that I hate it?’

Doubts such as these can be difficult to acknowledge, but are unwise to ignore, and the sooner you realise you’re unhappy the easier it can be to solve.

10 Steps to changing course

By Rebecca Hunt Correspondent 1) GO AND speak to your personal tutor or school representative to talk through your options.

2) IF YOU know which department you would like to transfer to, see the Admissions tutor for that department and get their opinion.

3) WHETHER YOU can change into a new department will depend on whether there’s room for you and if you have the appropriate ‘A’ Levels for the new course.

4) YOU MUST obtain the approval from the School you wish to drop and the School you wish to be added to.

5) IF YOU are successful in changing you should inform the Cardiff Registry, LEA and Student Loans Company, because if you don’t you may lose your financial support and be incorrectly entered for exams.

SIGNS: Which way?!

6) YOU CAN notify Registry of any change authorised by your school by completing Sections A and C of the

GRADUATION: Much more likely if you’re enjoying your course ‘Notification of Change to Academic Details’ form, a copy of which is avail able from the Registry Reception, or you can download a copy from the link on the Registry section of the Cardiff website.

7) IF YOU are still undecided you can

talk to a Career Consultant in the Careers Service.

Half hour interviews can be arranged through the on-line booking service or you can phone them on: 029 2087 4828.

You can also pick up a handy information booklet from the Careers

Service called ‘New Directions, Changing or Leaving Your Course’.

8) FINALLY, JUST to stress that ou should not worry, it can be fixed and there are probably other people out there in the same situation as you.

BEEN THERE, CHANGED COURSE

I

t was after Christmas that I started to doubt the course I was on, as I wasn’t enjoying the subject content and really couldn’t see myself doing it for another six years.

I didn’t feel it was a wasted year, though, as I made a lot of good friends from my course. I was worried we may lose contact but this hasn’t happened, and we still stay in touch.

I wasn’t enjoying the subject content and I couldn’t see myself doing it for another six years Again, my biggest concern about changing course was how my parents would react. They had helped fund my first year, and I though they would think I had wasted thousands of pounds of their money.

But, in fact, it was totally the opposite of what I was expecting.

They were really supportive about it and just telling them felt like a huge weight had been removed from my shoulders.

I

changed course because I just knew it wasn’t right for me, as I wasn’t interested in it, or determined.

The course I originally chose was the subject I did best in at A-level, rather than the one I enjoyed the most. This turned out to be a mistake, so I changed.

My biggest worry was wondering what my parents’ reaction would be when I told them I wanted to change.

I thought they might think I was taking the easy option because I wasn’t doing well, and assume I would just change again. But they were really understanding and supportive.

My biggest worry was wondering what my parents reaction would be

October 31 2005

Day By Day

Page 35

listings@gairrhydd.com

listings with Schmit and Curitz a bald comedian, Halloween, and a cock....

Monday31/10

Live@SU The Subways. A fine up and coming band. If you are torn between this and Rooster, firstly you dererve a smack, and secondly GO TO THIS ONE. 6.30pm. £9.

X Factory@The Taf Legendary X-press DJs. 9pm-1am FREE Fun Factory@Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side@Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise@Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk@Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free

Tuesday01/11

Live@SU Rooster. Unfortunately it isn’t a cockerel, although I wish it was, as I’d rather pay to see one of those. That’s a thought, a guitar playing rooster. 7pm. £12.50.

Pick Of The Day Comedy Club@Seren Las, SU For shits and giggles. This week: Rob Deering with support from Jon Richardson.

Deering's live performances combine razor sharp wit, an astounding musical talent and clownish physicality, all of which have established him as one of Britain's leading comedians 8-11pm. £4 NUS.

Stereogum@The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer.

Live@CIA Michael Buble. Dynamic swing sensation from Vancouver, this 25-year-old vocalist tackles a range of material from Van Morrison to George Michael and jazz standards to Bee Gees. 7pm £30.

Live @ Barfly The Sound Junkies/ Flatline / Last Partisan / The A470 Experiment/ Joan Armatrading.

7.30pm. £4.

Soul Motion@Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Robot Rock@Barfly The Barfly provides and alternative clubbing experience, and with them giving you the opportunity to sample its nightlife for free for a night, it’s an opportunity that you should definately take. 10.30pm. £3 Mayhem!@Bar Continental (Mill Lane) You know what it might just be. Student night with drinks promotions. Three floors (chart & cheese, hip hop & RnB, and Funky House) Rock Inferno@Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50.

The Most Excellent And Lamentable Tragedy (Of Romeo And Juliet)@ Millenium Centre A revitalized version of a timeworn classic, from the audacious and controversial Volcano Theatre Company. See facing page for further details. £10 Live @ Barfly Beyond All Reason/ The Blackout / Anemic.

7.30pm. £5.

Friday04/11

Saturday05/11

Pick Of The Day Launch Night@Tiger Tiger The UK’s sexiest party arrives in Cardiff.

There are 5 rooms, 5 bars, 1 dance arena, a VIP lounge, a live funk band, and of course drink promotions. Tonight is a Halloween theme party as well. 9.30pm. £3/4 NUS.

Fat Friday@Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide@Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4.

Mad4It!@Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors and much much more. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos@Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat@Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Blues Dragon Club@Cafe Jazz 9.30pm £3.

Forecast & Beneath The Surface@Clwb Ifor Bach Kinski / Zail. Marrying textured ambient drone, space-gaze sonic swells, death-defying volume dynamics and melodic, lysergic guitar riffs with balanced precision. 7.30pm. £6 Live@Clwb Ifor Bach USED presents:Digs & Whoosh. Nottingham's very own D.I.Y crew have been spreading the word of proper house music, from free parties to clubs all over the world ever since. 10pm. £7 Live@Barfly Vincent Vincent And The Villains / Louie / Envelope. They sing and play what makes them happy and it turns out that it makes a lot of other people happy too. 7.30pm. £5.

Live@The Point Andy Smith. 9pm. £8.

Pick Of The Day Comedy@Jongeurs Windsor, Dave Williams, John Fothergill, Rex Boyd. See facing page for further details.7pm. £8

Pick Of The Day Live@SU Bloodhound Gang. Expect nudity, offensive language, and toilet humour. Brilliant.

7pm. £13.50 Come Play@Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul and .fun Blueprint@Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter@Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday.

9pm - 2am.

Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) £4/3 10pm – 2.30am Live@Barfly Kubb / Cord / Sixty6. Kubb carve huge, beautiful, hook-laden pop songs. 7.30pm. £8.

Live Clwb@Ifor Bach Drymbago / Rasputin / Y Di Pravhino / DJ Elfis Ifans . £7.50. 9pm Comedy@Glee Club (Cardiff Bay) Paul Tonkinson, Chris Corcoran, Tony Hendricks, Brendon Burns. Tonights line-up includes the ex-Big Breakfast presenter.

Jurassic Park! 7.45pm. £6.50 NUS. Comedy@Jongeurs The same line-up as Friday. 7pm. £8

Wednesday02/11

Rubber Duck@Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. Need I say anymore? Thought not.10pm. £3.

Indie Kids Die In Hot Bars@The Barfly Featuring the latest and greatest new music, live acts and guest DJ’s. The team behind Fly Swatter bring you Indie Kids Die in Hot Bars.

10.30pm. £4 Wednesdays@Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Traffic@The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.

8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS. Popscene@Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music- rawkus 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3.

Live@Barfly Stuck Mojo / Fourwaykill / Died Smiling / Forever Never. I lost my mojo last night. I later found it under the sofa. 7.30pm.

Live Music@Hard Rock Cafe At least if it’s shit you can drink until it’s good.

8pm Live@St. David’s Hall Aled Jones. Most famous as the boy-star whose breath-taking performance of 'Walking In The Air' helped make the Raymond Briggs cartoon 'The Snowman' an annual Christmas favourite. 7.30pm Pick Of The Day Funny Women on Tour: Jo Enright, Lucy Porter, Guest Comedians@The Glee Club Within seconds of appearing on stage, Lucy Porter is flirty, gossipy, effervescent style charms everybody! Jo Enright is Birmingham's most prestigious female comic. 7.30pm. From £6 Theatre@Sherman Translation. 7:30pm .£12.

Sunday06/11

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case the wrong ones.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

Acoustic Night @Moloko 7pm-2am. £1.

The B*stard Son Of Meltdown @ Clwb Ifor Bach An evening of soothing sounds and mellow melodies - the aural equivalent of a Radox bath.

Live@Barlfy Lady Sovereign. She’s the self proclaimed white midget with a barely there 5’1 frame.

The alternative microphone vandal, her witty lyrics hit like left hooks to the proverbial face, subject matter dashing between flirtations with McDonald’s, smoking hash and swigging Pernod. With a moniker that reflects her love of cheap cigarettes and large jewellery, Lady Sovereign is a random, outspoken teen that no one in their right mind would want living next door to them. 7.30pm. £7.

Pick Of The Day Harry Hill @ Millennium Centre The hairless comic brings his live show to the glitz and glamour of Cardiff Bay. 7.30pm. £17.50.

Comedy@A Shot In The Dark Poncho Comedy Club: Guest Comedians.

Who knows, it could be you. N.B It probably won’t be. 8pm until 11pm. £2 Hip Hound Lounge@CF10 Hot Damn It’s A Jazz Jam. Musicians and singers sign in at the door to join the house trio for a tune or two (bring copies of sheet music if possible).8pm. £3 (£2 Jazz Soc).

The Fourth Chair@The Social Improvised comedy entertainment. I used to laugh once. Now there is just sorrow.

7.30pm. £FREE.

Thursday03/11 Pick Of The Day Live@SU The 30th Anniversary Tour: Motorhead 'Fast, filthy and very, very loud!' Former Hawkwind bass player Lemmy and the guys celebrating their third decade of loud'n'heavy rock. 7pm. £21.50 Live@SU Martha Wainwright / Teddy Thompson.

Bittersweet acoustic tunes. See facing page for further details. 7pm. £12.50 Devious@Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Cheapskates@Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese.

Does exactly what it say on the tin, with drinks being cheaper than a bag of McCains. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm@Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night.

And as of fairly recently, open ‘til later than late.

8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Live@Clwb Ifor Bach The Warlocks / The Voices. The Warlocks are a seven-piece rock band who revel in the joys of excess with two drummers and four guitarists. This is dark, luscious and psychedelic rock at its finest. The Voices are an indie rock act. 8pm. £7.50 Live@St David’s Hall Lucie Silvas. Singer/songwriter with a great voice and some wonderful songs.

7pm. £17.50 Theatre@Howardian Community Centre Calamity Jane. This cheesy musical comedy western also has many tender moments and some very famous numbers including Secret Love, Black HIlls of Dakota, The Deadwood Stage and The Windy City. 7:30pm £8/£7 Comedy@Glee Club Paul Tonkinson/ Chris Corcoran/ Tony Hendricks/ Brendon Burns. 7:30pm. £5.50

VENUES

Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com

IMG Sport

Page 36

October 31 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST IMG NETBALL TABLES ROUND 2 IMG Netball Pos

Group One

By Steve Myerscough IMG Netball Reporter

P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Socsi A

1

1

0

0

11

3

2 English Society

1

1

0

0

9

3

3 Pharmacy

1

1

0

0

6

3

4 Medics A

1

1

0

0

5

3

5 Stringfellows A

1

0

0

1

-5

0

6 Medics B

1

0

0

1

-6

0

7 Socsi B

1

0

0

1

-9

0

8 Christian Union

1

0

0

1

-11

0

IMG Netball Pos

Group Two P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Cardiff B

2

2

0

0

32

6

2 Law B

2

2

0

0

28

6

3 Dynamo Tigers

2

1

0

1

5

3

4 SAWSA

2

1

0

1

-15

3

5 Chem Soc

2

1

0

1

0

3

6 Optometry*

2

1

0

1

1

0

7 German Society

2

0

0

2

-17

0

2

0

0

2

-34

0

8 Engin Girls

IMG Netball Pos

Carbs B-reeze past Law A

Group Three P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Carbs A

2

2

0

0

66

6

2 Cardiff A

2

2

0

0

48

6

3 Economics

2

1

0

1

3

3

4 Carbs B

2

1

0

1

-11

3

5 Pharmacy A

2

1

0

1

-26

3

6 Gym Gym

2

1

0

1

-37

3

7 Law A

2

0

0

2

-11

0

8 Stringfellows B

2

0

0

2

-30

0

AS BOTH teams battled to improve on opening day defeats, Carbs B eventually secured victory at the expense of Law A. After Carbs took an early lead, Law goal attacker Hannah Jennings levelled the match minutes later.

As the score subsequently moved on to 6-6, it seemed that both sides were evenly matched.

But Carbs attacker Kate Hodge used her height advantage to take the game away from Law. This helped Carbs to an 11-6

lead from which Law never recovered.

Despite good defending from Law, the Carbs partnerhip of Hodge and Siobhan Kelly continued to prosper.

After some hard work from the Carbs central players, particluarly wing-attacker Lauren Hodgen, Law were unable to get back into the game.

In the closing stages, Carbs added to their score to finish eight points ahead, winning the match 18-10.

The fantastic performance by Hodge had a huge bearing on proceedings, as the attacker helped herself to 15 out of the 18 points scored by Carbs.

IMG Football Fixtures:

IMG Football Results:

AFC Euros v Real Madras Zoology v Cardiff Uni Japsoc v Automotive Law A v Psycho Ath.

Cardiff Uni Automotive Psycho Ath. Real Madras

4-3 0-3 0-6 0-8

AFC Euros Zoology Japsoc Law A

Economics v Gym Gym Real Havanna v Inter Me-Nan Chemsoc v Myg Myg AFC Cathays v Dragons

Gym Gym Myg Myg Dragons Inter Me-Nan

6-0 1-3 4-3 2-7

AFC Cathays Real Havanna Chemsoc Economics

Plan’kos v Hurricanes Ab Fantastic v AFC Momed Arse’Alona v Architecture Dynamo Cen v Pharm AC

Hurricanes AFC Momed Architecture Pharm AC

2-3 5-0 2-3 0-1

Dynamo Cen Plan’kos Ab Fantastic Arse’Alona

Dental Utd Euros Lang Law B Carbs

2-6 0-8 1-2 2-1

JOMEC AFC History Locomotive English Soc

AFC History v Dental Utd Locomotive v Euro Lang English Soc v Law B JOMEC v Carbs

IMG Netball Results: Gym Gym 1 - 42 Carbs A Cardiff A 26 - 7 Carbs B Economics 16 - 11 S’fellows B Pharmacy A 17 - 14 Law A Chemsoc Optometry Engin Girls German Soc

5 - 9 SAWSA 2 - 17 Dyn. Tigers 1 - 19 Law B 1 - 14 Cardiff B

Law A 10 - 18 Pharmacy A 0 - 29 Economics 10 - 12 Stringfellows B 2 - 27

Carbs B Cardiff A Gym Gym Carbs A

* Deducted 3 pts for not having umpire who completed Q award

IMG Netball Fixtures: Sat 29 Oct

MUD, RAIN, contentious refereeing, terrible goalkeeping, 7 goals, and a fight inspired a typical IMG afternoon as Cardiff Dragons held on to beat Chemsoc 4-3.

On a pitch more suited to a Land Rover than football boots, the Dragons went 2-1 ahead after a frantic opening. James Oakley put the Dragons in front as early as the 2nd minute, before Kerry Page headed home an equaliser for Chemsoc four minutes later.

However Dragons restored their lead moments later when Ryan Millward headed home a

cross from the lively Oakley, after he intercepted a poor throw-in from reserve keeper Warren Inker.

The game continued in this vain for much of the first half as both sides created chances.

Dragons’ Ryan Milward hit the woodwork twice and Chemsoc striker Adam Thompson shot wide.

There was controversy shortly afterwards as Chemsoc had a goal ruled out. Thompson thought he had scored but teammate Liam Wood was penalised for an illegal challenge on the Dragons’ keeper.

After much confusion there was a confrontation between the players in the centre circle.

Dragons’ goalscorer Milward pushed two Chemsoc players in the face but the referee took no action.

Dragons soon made it 3-1 after the break as Dave Hall fired home from 18 yards after appearing to trip Chemsoc right back Alex Cribble.

Despite protests from Cribble, the goal stood and the game looked to be over when Mark Stout added a fourth for the Dragons.

But Chemsoc refused to give up and against the odds, they mounted a superb recovery.

Substitute Simon Baker reduced the deficit in the 85th minute before Cribble scored a third with two minutes left.

IMG Football Pos

Group One P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Zoology

3

3

0

0

12

9

2 Law A

3

2

0

1

11

6

3 Japsoc

3

2

0

1

10

6

4 Cardiff Uni

3

2

0

1

1

6

5 AFC Euros

3

1

0

2

-1

3

6 Automotive

3

1

0

2

-1

3

7 Psycho Athletico

3

1

0

2

-7

3

8 Real Madras*

3

0

0

3

-23

-3

IMG Football Pos

Group Two P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Economics

3

3

0

0

14

9

2 Gym Gym

3

2

0

1

7

6

3 Chem Soc

3

2

0

1

4

6

4 Real Havanna

3

1

1

1

0

4

5 Cardiff Dragons

3

1

1

1

-3

4

6 AFC Cathays

3

1

0

2

-4

3

7 Myg Myg

3

1

0

2

-6

3

8 Inter Me-Nan

3

0

0

3

-12

0

IMG Football Pos

Group Three P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 FC Arse’Alona

3

3

0

0

6

9

2 Dynamo Cen

3

2

0

1

1

6

Economics v Carbs A Strin’llows B v Gym Gym Pharmacy A v Carbs B Law A v Cardiff A

3 Abs Fantastic*

3

2

1

0

2

4

4 Momed*

3

2

0

1

5

3

Socsi A v Socsi B Christ Union v English Soc Pharmacy B v Stringdellows A Medics B v Medics A

5 Architecture

3

1

0

2

-3

3

6 Pharm AC

3

1

0

2

-5

3

7 Hurricanes

3

0

1

2

-5

1

8 Planathinaikos

3

0

0

3

-15

0

Socsi A v English Soc Christ Union v Socsi B Pharmacy B v Medics A Medics B v Stringfellows A

Wed 2 Nov

FIERY DRAGONS IGNITE THEIR SEASON

By Paul Hunt IMG Football Reporter

IMG FOOTBALL ROUND 3 TABLES

However, it was too little too late for Chemsoc as the Dragons secured their first IMG win this season.

As the form book was thrown out the window, Chemsoc were left to reflect on what might have been.

TEAMS OF THE WEEK FOOTBALL: Newcomers Arse’Alona and Zoology have taken the IMG by storm so far.

NETBALL: Carbs A for scoring an impressive 42 points in one game.

IMG Football Pos

Group Four P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Locomotive

3

3

0

0

10

9

2 AFC History

3

2

0

1

10

6

3 Carbs

3

2

0

1

1

6

4 English Soc

3

1

0

2

1

3

5 Euros Languages*

3

2

0

1

-1

3

6 Law B

3

1

0

2

-1

3

7 JOMEC

3

1

0

2

-5

3

8 Dental Utd

3

0

0

3

-15

0

* Deducted 3 points for failure to attend meetings

Sport

Page 38

October 31 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

WOMEN COME FIRST

By Emma Jones Football Reporter Cardiff 1sts 1 Exeter 0

CARDIFF EMERGED victorious in a physical encounter with recently promoted Exeter despite illness and injuries depleting the squad.

Cardiff made a promising start, attacking with vigour in the first ten minutes. Strikers Alex Joannides and Savannah Polinski both came close to opening the scoring but the Exeter ’keeper was equal to their efforts.

Emma Jones flashed a shot from the edge of the area over the bar when she should have hit the target. Cardiff thought they had taken the lead when Polinski took a Gemma Godber through ball in her stride and fired it into the top corner before being harshly adjudged offside.

Few further chances were created in the first half as the game was concentrated around a tight midfield.

Heavy rain during the first half caused the pitch to become boggy but

as the Exeter players became tired Cardiff ’s quality started to tell.

Cardiff took the lead when a halfcleared corner fell to Jones on the edge of the area and she volleyed it low past the diving ‘keeper to score her third goal in two games.

Cardiff were creating chances at will and could easily have scored another two or three goals.

Jess Baker worked tirelessly on the right wing, despite suffering from tonsillitis, and nearly doubled the lead but her shot was handled on the line by the Exeter full back (an incident not noticed by the referee).

The Cardiff defence, particularly the central pairing of Kylie Bickford and Sammy Burdus, restricted Exeter to speculative long-range efforts which were never going to trouble the safe hands of American ‘keeper Ann Zimo.

As the game drew to a close the frustrated Exeter players put in a few brutal challenges, particularly on Jones, but were unable to fashion an equaliser.

FINE WIN FOR LACROSSE

By Kara Dawson Lacrosse Reporter

PHYSICAL: Cardiff come out on top

Seconds’ chances squandered Cardiff Men’s 2nd XI 2 Exeter Men’s 2nd XI 3 CARDIFF MEN’S 2nd XI football team were made to pay for failing to convert chances in a 3 - 2 defeat by Exeter 2nds in their opening BUSA league fixture.

Although Exeter controlled the early exchanges, it was Cardiff who took the lead in the 14th minute. Rich Whitty’s corner from the left was struck high into the roof of the net by the superb Chris Grove. Grove had a chance to double the tally a few minutes later but sent his dipping hal-volley over the bar.

Exeter eventually made their possession pay with a three-minute double-salvo to overturn Cardiff ’s lead.

First Tom Millet and then Sam Dennison got onto the score-sheet via two pacey left-wing moves.

Millet crunched a drive home from the edge of the penalty area after a neatly squared ball, and then nippy Exeter winger Hadley provided a second assist as Dennison finished low from close range. Cardiff goalkeeper Luca Moranzion was left with no chance.

The second half began in a minimonsoon and Exeter extended their lead with 50 minutes on the clock. A swift attacking move cut open Cardiff’s defense, allowing Dennison to strike unmarked at the back post.

Dennison was booked shortly after, for clumsily tackling Chris Grove, and from the resulting free-kick, Cardiff ’s vice-captain Lewis Barr was inches away from pulling the team back into the game, but nodded a free header over the bar.

Exeter almost put the game out of

reach with a low curling free-kick thumping against the right post.

Cardiff ’s surges up the pitch left them vulnerable on the counterattack.

Tensions almost boiled over as Jamie Gallagher was shown a yellow for a poorly timed lunge, but the referee managed to keep the players in check.

As the final whistle approached, Cardiff continued to press forward and scored a late consolation on 87 minutes, as fresher Eifian Roberts broke the offside trap. He laid the ball to Mike Hyde who crisply struck past the diving ‘keeper.

Reflecting on the loss, disappointed skipper Adam Wise commented: "We

need a better quality final ball. Play was slowed down too much in the midfield."

Exeter did deserve their victory, but things would have been very different if Cardiff’s finishing was more clinical. Too many chances were squandered and at times there were lapses of concentration at the back.

PHOTO: Sophia Jounnides

By George Pawley Sport Reporter

LOSING START: Chances squandered

CARDIFF’S MIXED Lacrosse team’s opening match ended in a victory over Exeter. Despite a battling effort from the league newcomers, Cardiff ran out comfortable victors.

Fielding a new line up, including many freshers, Cardiff played with determination and grit, showing why they were league champions last year.

There were some outstanding individual displays. Sam Olney was named man of the match for some stunning defensive work.

The final score of 16-9 was due in no small part to Andy Morgan who netted on seven occassions. Other scorers included Rod Stanford with a hat trick, Vix Peregrine, Sue Chandler, Luke Jones and Ian Furlong.

After the victory, Captain Gareth Willis commented: "I am extremely pleased with the result today, we have shown that we are as good as we were last year. There are still areas to work on, however the freshers’ are showing great potential after just three weeks of training so things can only get better from here."

Cardiff’s ladies have had a more challenging start to the season after being promoted to the Busa Premiership at the end of last year.

They lost narrowly to London universities in their opening game. In a competitive and even encounter, the ladies conceeded at the death and left themselves 5 seconds in which to score. The task was too great and the final whistle blew with the score at London 12- Cardiff 11.

Despite the disappointment of loosing, the game was so well fought that Cardiff Ladies felt positive and were looking forward to tthis week’s game at home to Oxford.

Their second match of the season was another tough encounter.

Cardiff’s enthusiasm and drive shone through during the warm up. The first quarter provided much entertainment, each team wanting to strike first.

The quarter ended with Oxford leading, as they did for the rest of the match. The final score of 11-3 did not fully reflect the day’s play. In the final quarter Cardiff played with more fluency and stepped up their game, reflected by the score in that quarter being only 3-2 to Oxford.

There were some superb performances, Sue Chandler was named man of the match for her persistent running of the midfield, Frances Williams and Kate Davey were also relentless in defence. The match also had its share of drama; Edwina Harrison had to go to hospital, with a torn ligament.

The lacrosse team would like to wish her a speedy recovery.

All in all, the beginning of the lacrosse season has had its ups and downs, but the club are generally pleased and look forward to the rest of the season with optimism.

Sport

October 31 2005

Page 39

sport@gairrhydd.com

CHAMPS HUMBLED Uni success on Cardiff 6 - Glouster 2 AFTER A TIGHTLY fought 2-2 draw away at Bath last week, Cardiff welcomed last year’s league champions to Tal-y-bont anticipating a tough challenge but desperate to pick up the three points to kick-start their campaign. Cardiff welcomed three new faces into the side, freshers Tom Nicholas, Tom Drew and Jamie Jamieson eager to make an impact.

It was a scrappy start to the match, neither side being able to retain possession for any period of time due to the hard work going into closing down the ball carriers.

It was Cardiff who made the first chance though, forward Nick Gough turning well to play through his strike partner Paul Hayes into a one-on-one situation. However, despite beating the keeper, last year’s top-scorer Hayes could only shoot wide whilst off balance.

Another opportunity was soon to present itself, this one a short corner that was duly deflected into the roof of the net by Martyn Freshman. The lead was to be short-lived though, as Cardiff failed to clear the ball from their D,giving the Gloucester forward a chance on his reverse that he powered into the bottom corner.

The home side soon regained their advantage as a long ball from left-back Tom Moore released Hayes, and although his shot from an angle was not hit perfectly, it found a way through the pads of the Gloucester ‘keeper. There was a

feeling of frustration as Cardiff struggled to cope with the dribbling skills of Gloucester’s wide players.

The Cardiff short corner defence had to be on top form to keep out a number of the dangerous set-pieces in quick succession, but it was only a matter of time before they equalised again with a drag-flick being deflected off a defensive stick past hapless ‘keeper Ian Ferguson.

home team got some reward for their efforts as two slick routines saw man of the match Moore scoring twice to make the score 4-2.

Gloucester heads were starting to fall, and with Cardiff’s superior fitness telling, it was an opportunity for the home side to demonstrate to the crowd the stylish hockey that they are capable of playing. The fifth goal came from a turnover situation. Centre-back Gareth Owen

PHOTO: Charis Simpson

By Gareth Owen Sport Reporter

won the ball and set up Moore to play the ball into the D. A full length dive from Rhodes enabled him to deflect the ball and lob the ‘keeper from only six yards out.

The sixth came from some champagne hockey from Freshman. He dribbled through three challenges at the top of the area before playing in Gough who finished emphatically from close range. Skipper Courtney, whilst not delighted with the performance was upbeat about his side’s progress so far this season; " It’s coming together, and with a 6-2 win today, our top form’s obviously not far off".

Cardiff win top of table clash

By Tohann Ravenscroft Football Reporter

CARDIFF 1ST XI won 3-2 to take a hugely important three points from this early top of the table clash. Glamorgan were never in control, as Cardiff emerged triumphant through a combination of skill, passion and teamwork.

The chances started to come Cardiff’s way within the first ten minutes on the slick Treforest surface, as Cain and Gonzales both went close.

With Herrick, Ravenscroft and Lucas dominating their opposite numbers in midfield, the outstanding James Cain worked tirelessly up front and Andre Stairmand and Alberto "Sammy" Gonzalez supporting on the flanks, it was only a matter of time before Cardiff converted their dominance into a goal. The goal eventually came as Cain reacted quickly to latch onto

snowboard team put in a sterling effort, knocked out by the overall winners Plymouth.

The ladies seconds were beaten

by Exeter firsts and the mixed seconds finished in 5th place in front of thirteen others. A little controversy brought tension to the evening as a bad call by the starting official caused the ladies first to rerun their final against UWE. The decision would have seen the team disqualified from first position, but the UWE ladies realised the injustice and agreed to the second run, which Cardiff ladies indisputably won.

ers to only rare, long rage efforts.

Nevertheless, Cardiff filed to kill off their opponents and Glamorgan’s only spell of sustained pressure resulted in another equaliser form Plant, who crisply fired one home via the post.

However, the Cardiff players were not beaten by this and were instead inspired to take their chance to get one over on a side who have proved a stumbling block in previous meetings. With time running down, a Cardiff attack resulted in a corner on the right hand side. Stairmand’s cross was met with a firm Ravenscroft header which was only parried to Cain who helped the ball inside for Ravenscroft to follow up and slam home from inside the six yard box and seal victory.

Mark Lucas commented: "It was a great team performance and I was so pleased when Toe scored the winner.

The result is pretty monumental, as it’s the first time in at least four years we’ve beaten them and the team is gelling very nicely".

WEDNESDAY SAW Cardiff ladies’ rugby second-team debut.

The team had an outstanding game and dominated all areas of play. Fantastic lineouts from the forwards and great running from the backs resulted in a 20-5 win

against Southampton Solent. The tries of the match came from Kat Lenan (2), Rosalin Guillard (1) and Sally Jones (1).

Amy Harrison was awarded forward of the match and Roz Bolt back of the match.

Live by the sword

CARDIFF MEN’S fencing team, playing at home, defeated Exeter 135 points to 68. All three weapons (foil, epee and sabre) were fenced and the entire team gave a very good account of themselves.

The match began with Epee.

Exeter put up a spirited performance, but Cardiff held firm to win this weapon 45 points to Exeter's 30, Exeter being let down by Paul Smith who was unable to score a single hit on the Cardiff fencers.

Next came the sabre. Cardiff's sabre team has been consistently

strong and lived up to their reputation, gaining 45 points and only conceding 20 to Exeter. Markall of the sabre team did particularly well, defeating all his opponents and only conceding three points.

Finally Cardiff's foil team took to the piste. A storming performance by Cardiff left the opposition decimated, winning 45 points to just 18. All three members of the team excelled themselves, resulting in a very strong overall victory for Cardiff.

PHOTO: Sylvie Winn

Cardiff 1st XI 3- Exeter 1st XI 2

a loose ball, only for the Glamorgan keeper to bring him down just inside the penalty box. Lucas duly converted from twelve yards, to give his team a well deserved 1-0 lead.

Cardiff began to settle, but after 35 minutes, a rare Glamorgan attack resulted in a free kick from around 25 yards from Nadjari’s goal. Riath Plant struck a low free kick which squeezed under the wall, deflected off Isaac and beat the wrong footed Nadjari, to make it 1-1.

Cardiff regrouped at half time and went out revitalised and eager to regain the lead from their local rivals. The injustice of 1-1 was soon ended as Cain again won a penalty after a clumsy challenge from the Glamorgan skipper. Captain Lucas dispatched the penalty into the top left hand corner of the net in emphatic style to restore Cardiff’s lead and increase his BUSA total to an outstanding 5 goals in 2 games.

As the second half progressed, the back four of Godwin, Wylde, Isaac and Clifford played with great shape, restricting Glamorgans lively attack-

LAST SATURDAY saw a triumphant win for both the mixed skiing 1st and the ladies skiing 1st, both beating UWE teams.

Gloucester snow centre held the event where Cardiff battled against Swansea, Exeter, Bristol, Bath, UWE and Plymouth to win two out of the three events. Cardiff took six teams (more than ever taken before) to the Kings competition, headed by race captain Jemima Barnes.

As the first event of the season, and with some novice racers in tow the 6 race teams came home with their heads held high. The

Ladies debut win

MENS HOCKEY: Big performance A half-time drubbing down from captain Duncan Courtney and coach Mark Hopkins seemed to correct the errors that had blighted Cardiff’s first half performance. It was the second half that saw the best hockey of the game. Wide players Chris Rhodes and Henry Cole saw more of the ball and were able to stretch the Gloucester defence with some good movement.

Having recognised short corners as somewhere they could be threatening, Cardiff did all they could to win fouls within the opposition D. Forward Nichols did especially well with some clever runs off the ball drawing desperate challenges. The

the snow

FENCING: Use Ronseal

Spor t gair rhydd

HOCKEY: Men’s firsts batter last year’s winners

FOOTBALL: Action from men’s and ladies’

PLUS: Lacrosse, ladies’ rugby, squash and much more

Page 39

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Page 39

PHOTO: Adam Gasson

By Jon Derridge Rugby Reporter

SWANSEA CARDIFF 1ST XV

11 7

CARDIFF NARROWLY lost a bruising encounter against bitter rivals Swansea. The wet conditions contributed to the lack of free flowing rugby that was displayed by Cardiff against the Marjons last week.

Both sides struggled to string phases of play together with knock-ons and infringements in abundance.

Swansea took the lead in only the second minute with a penalty kick. The match began to develop into a frantic battle between the forwards. Neither pack gave the other an inch. Every line-out and scrum was tightly contested. The Cardiff front row of Aled Mason, Aaron Fowler and Brad Raison was excep-

tional in the scrum and regularly turned possession against the head.

The lineouts too became a battle of attrition; Rhodri Griffiths in particular was a colossus in the second row and was responsible for stealing a number of Swansea line-outs.

The best try-scoring opportunity of the first half fell to Cardiff wing Jon Walder who burst into open space after taking advantage of an audacious flick pass from Matt Hopper but was stopped in his tracks by a bone crunching tackle.

As the half progressed the play became more ragged. Swansea increased their slender lead with a drop goal after several attacks were repelled by strong Cardiff defending. Matters got worse for the visiting team when, on the stroke of half time, Matt Hopper was sin-binned after a late tackle.

Story continued on Page 37

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ■ HEY GUYS ITS RAMONS O’CLOCK ■ EDITOR LEAVES EARLY: LAZY CUNT ■ “CARRIE, YOU”VE GOT TO BLOW HARDER” ■ DEVOTED NEWS LEAVE AT DAWN ■ SLOW DOWN MENON ■ PERRI: “I LOVE GOOG” ■ UNION BAN ON BRITISH BEEF ■ LEAVE IT WELLINGHAM ■ CHARISSA: “IS ED THE NOT-WELSH ONE?” ■ LADIES HOCKEY REPORT: LATE BUT FIT ■ SWANSEA, GOOD FOR RUGBY, SHIT FOR WOMEN ■ CARRIE YOU’RE SUCH A DICKEN ■ MENON: IMG GURU/BITCH/SEX GOD

Page 34

s g n i t Lis

Recommended

October 31 2005

listings@gairrhydd.com

The nearly correct gair rhydd This Week: a double header at the union,

Martha Wainwright / Motörhead

Theatre @ WMC

Thurs 3 Nov 7pm

8pm / £10

Tues 1 Nov

@ S.U

Curitz recommends

T

he Most Excellent and Lamentable Tragedy (Of Romeo And Juliet) performed by the Volcano Theatre Company.

This is a revitalized version of the timeworn classic, from the sometimes audacious and controversial Volcano Theatre Company.

The game is a play and the play is a game. Four days to play without rules or limits. Four strangers, each with a chance to sacrifice themselves in the name of an Elizabethan tragedy. Love, art, poetry, politics.

What would you die for? Is this "the greastest love story ever told" or "the child of an idle brain, begot of nothing but fantasy"?

The play will be performed sometimes as tragedy, sometimes as comedy, but not necessarily in the usual order and not necessarily with the usual outcome.

The Volcano Theatre Company are a multiple award-winning and experimental international theatre company, based in Swansea.

They have built a reputation for energetic, unpredictable and arresting theatre that combines strong visual impact, physical presence and intelligent text.

They started off in the small town of Volcano in the USA and have now branched out all over the world.

Their unique takes on classic theatre productions (they have already produced their take on productions such as Sherlock Holmes and many Shakespeare plays) have earned them a great reputation for offering the public something very different from the usual hum-drum over-done classics.

Their interesting spins on the normal course of a play will leave you wondering whether or not the original was in fact better.

This talented and exciting groupare a must see for anyone who fancies seeing something a bit out of the norm.

Pick e of th k Wee

Comedy

@ Jongleurs Fri 4 Nov 7pm / £8 Schmit recommends

Schmit recommends

F

or the first time that I can remember, the Students’ Union plays host to two different artists on the same night, and boy, could they be any different.

Whether it’s the M of the mighty Motörhead, or the beautiful, bittersweet Martha Wainwright, there are two real extremes on offer.

Motörhead are here to pound our ears like a herd of morbidly obese, stampeding wildebeest, in honour of their 30 year anniversary, and what a 30 years it’s been.

There have been more than 20 tours, 25+ album releases, best-of collections and DVDs, not to men-

tion a hell of a lot of hair, sweat, and Jack Daniels.

Tonight you can expect what is a rarity in tours these days, as there is no album to plug, so tonight really will be a journey through time, with all the fans’ favourites being played.

If pulsating metal doesn’t tickle your nipples, then maybe Martha Wainwright will, with her poignant and bitter acoustic set.

The Wainwright history of course extends much further than just Martha, with brother Rufus, and father Loudan Wainwright III all coming together to form a pretty fine and hugely talented musical family.

Another contrast with Motörhead is that Martha

Just Announced

Wainwright is very much in the birth canal of her journey to stardom, with her discography fitting on a post-it note; just one album and a couple of EPs. Don’t let this put you off however, as quantity really isn’t always quality remember.

So, with two top notch artists there really is no excuse no to visit the Students’ Union tonight, as they both offer something marvellous, yet different.

It could be growing your hair long, swigging some Jack Daniels and laying the smack down on a bass guitar, or chilling out to some acoustic loving, it’s your choice.

Either way, you should find yourself at the Students’ Union tonight.

T

uning into the news these days just seems to simply one depressing story after the other. Each trying to install more fear into the viewer about world issues than the last. Do you want to know what I suggest?

Heading down to Jongleurs this weekend for a good laugh.

Jongleurs are nationally renowned for providing some of the best comedians on the circuit, and dishing them out to the masses in the name of comedy.

Each weekend at Jongleurs there are at least three comedians to feast your eyes upon and laugh your insides out to. As well as comedy they also provide offers on drinks and good food.

This week they play host to Windsor, Dave Williams, John

Fothergill, and Rex Boyd.

Dave Williams is a top quality circuit comedian whose crisp oneliners and surreal nonsense have earned him headline slots at some of the countries most prestigious comedy clubs.

There is also John Fothergill who is thought by many to be one of comedy's unsung heroes. He is a Geordie singer, who in the course of his act can be rude, provocative, daft and cheeky.

You can also catch Rex Boyd, whose unique show goes about getting the audience to participate in his story of Robin Hood. (Have you heard the one about the fat friar? If not ask me and I’ll make one up).

Finally, on top of all of them, is Windsor. He is a likeable, and instantly recognisable, comedian with a relaxed and playful manner.

He is the master of putdown as well as delivering a constant stream of slick, well thought out hot material.

If you go, you are also guaranteed free entry to Club Risa so you can dance the night away until 2am.

Can you take it, or are you becoming a ‘Grandad’, as my girlfriend Laura calls me. Note that there is no entry after 8pm.

It really is a whole night of laughs, food, drink, and partying, and all for £8. So get those short arms of yours into your long pockets.

Jack Johnson Band @ CIA - Thurs 2nd March Easygoing, heartfelt ballads from the multi-talented film-maker/ surfer/ musician/ songwriter, Jack Johnson and his band. March 2005 saw the release of his third album In Between Dreams, a more upbeat collection of sing-a-long songs guaranteed to please his fans the world over. £21.50. Fallout Boy @ SU - Sun 22nd Jan Hints of pop, punk, emo, hardcore but defining them as one of thse would be wrong. They write immensely catchy songs with witty titles. Dylan Moran @ St. David’s Hall - Sat 6th May Miserable bugger type humour from the dry but equally hysterical Irishman. £17.