gair rhydd - Issue 798

News

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November 7 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

At

a glance November 7 2005 News Geordie Editorial & Opinion Letters Politics Science/Environment Interviews Taf Od Health Grab!

Dear Amber Media Jobs & Money Television Five Min Fun Listings Sport

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EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan DESIGNER/GURU Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan, Chris Brett MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN Colm Loughlin HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson SUB-EDITORS Charlotte White, Holly Marshall PROOF READERS Rebecca Hunt, Rachel Cormican, Sarah Crosbie, Chris White CONTRIBUTORS Sarah Russell, Chris Warlow, Jonathan Duggan, Jenna Harris, Helen Roxburgh, Darren Goeghegen, Jon Mackrell, Dan Maton, James Lewis, Xandria Horton, Rosie Powling, Laura Rowe, Tim Hewish, Andrew Rennison, Victoria Sayce, Amira Hashish, Elis Gomer, Charlie Hughes, Lydia James, Kate Warren, Laura Wootton, Adrian Raudaschl, Anna White, Paul Hunt, Jon Berridge, George Pawley, Steve Myerscough, Billy Hemstock, Craig Smith, Amy Williams, Holly Cooke, Samuel Strang, Charis Simpson, James Perou ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union

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AFTER KNIGHT’S FALL The nominations for the presidency of NUS Wales have been finalised, but who will fill the void left after James Knight’s controversial resignation?

Mike Wallbank AGE: 20 INSTITUTION: Cardiff University COURSE: Third-year law EXPERIENCE: Served as Press Secretary for Conservative Future at Cardiff University.

Served as ViceChairman for Conservative Future’ at Cardiff University PLANS: Wallbank is interested in improving communication and relations between the NUS and individual unions around Wales and starting a ‘Student Services Support’ program to help unions compete in today’s economic climate.

By Jonathan Duggan Reporter A BY-ELECTION will be held to elect a new President of NUS Wales on November 12 at the winter conference in Newport.

The by-election comes just over a month after James Knight resigned as President citing ill-health and depression as his reasons for leaving.

Knight’s resignation had been called for by many after some claimed he was too inactive during the all-important debate on top-up fees.

In his resignation speech in early October, Knight stated that he was ‘victimised, bullied and harassed’ and had to prioritise his mental health over his sense of duty.

There are now two contenders battling for the Presidency, but some have found it surprising that more people have not stood for the position.

It has been suggested that some potential candidates were not able to run because they couldn’t secure an extended break from their university to apply for and perform the duties of the role.

So who are the candidates, and more importantly, what do they stand for?

Mike Wallbank is a third-year Law student at Cardiff University and a member of the Conservative Party.

Joining Conservative Future in

Are they wor thy of graduation?

By Sarah Russell Reporter SOUTHAMPTON Solent University is denying accusations that it has inflated the marks of failing pupils in order to retain government funding.

Secret filming for the BBC South programme Inside Out revealed that Dr. Karen Randell, Head of the Film Studies degree, operated a ‘positive pass policy’.

The allegations arose after a new lecturer felt pressured into passing work that she felt should have failed and agreed to film a marking session.

The footage included Dr. Randell saying that 25% of the people on the course should not have been at university.

"These people have been failures all their lives,” she said. "That is why we hold back, why we don’t automatically say [their work has] failed."

Some of the essays passed were

shown to the former Chief of Schools, Chris Woodhead, who denounced the work as poorly punctuated, badly spelt and written with ‘no understanding of English grammar’.

Another lecturer caught on camera said: "If we didn’t care about how many students we had and how many dropped out, we would mark very differently.

"If we were really marking according to what we felt, we would drop a grade for everybody."

The lecturer at the centre of the controversy maintains that this university was ‘financially driven’.

For every pupil that drops out after their first year of university the institution loses £4,500 of government subsidy. This case has raised fears that the practice of inflating marks is not uncommon.

The University strongly denies the accusations, saying: "We are certain that the comments of dedicated and conscientious staff have been grossly misrepresented."

2003, Wallbank has held various positions within the organisation, acting as press-secretary and as vicechairman.

Although he has no experience on a national platform, or for the NUS, Wallbank is confident that his ‘fresh perspective’ and enthusiasm outweighs his inexperience. He is primarily interested in improving communication and relations between the NUS and the unions around Wales and introducing a ‘Student Services Support’ program.

Running against Mike Wallbank is Swansea University’s Dylan Williams.

Williams is currently a full-time student at Swansea, and holds a nonsabbatical position as a Higher Education Officer for NUS Wales.

Having already been a member of the National Executive Committee in Wales, Williams feels he has relevant experience to call upon if elected to office.

A fluent Welsh speaker, Williams is committed to a Welsh language campaign encouraging universities in Wales to teach courses in Welsh as well as in English.

There is still the possibility that neither will become the new President, as both candidates are running against the third option, R.O.N, (Re-Open Nominations). In which case there will be another opportunity for people to run for office.

Dylan Williams AGE: 21 INSTITUTION: University of Wales, Swansea COURSE: N/A EXPERIENCE: Non-sabbatical HE Officer for NUS Wales Served as a member of the National Executive Committee PLANS: Williams wants to work on four key areas if elected; improving membership services by restoring the image of the NUS, campaigning for universities to offer more courses taught in Welsh, lobbying for increased funding for higher education and improving student representation in further education.

Calamity Jayne Tory Councillor’s rebellion prompts expulsion

By Chris Warlow Reporter A MAVERICK Conservative from Cardiff North has been expelled from the party’s group on the city council.

The Tories made the decision to ditch councillor Jayne Cowan of Rhiwbina following her failure to apologise for her recent 'outrageous' behaviour.

The trouble began when Cllr. Cowan, who has always shown great contempt for council spending, applied for a hefty £3,000 leadership course.

A statement issued by the Conservative Party says: "She has always been vociferous in her attacks on council expenditure. To then apply for a very expensive course at tax payers' expense as she did, and try to deny it despite a lengthy paper trail was both regrettable and unwise."

The then-suspended councillor caused further strife last month when she refused to leave a meeting of Cardiff council's Tory group, which was subsequently abandoned.

She then accused her colleagues of attempting to ‘intimidate, humiliate and belittle her and damage her politically’,

while they described her behaviour as 'appalling'. The Conservative's statement argues: "Jayne has close family friends on the Conservative group. To suggest ... that they were in an underhand campaign of bullying was both fictitious and insulting to all concerned."

Her lawyer Julius Hermer stated: "She emphatically denies, and it is ludicrous to suggest, that her behaviour was appalling or that she set out to disrupt the meeting.

"It is also denied that the meeting ended in total chaos as a result of our client's action."

He added: "Her suspension was contrary to the rules for council Conservative groups and Jayne Cowan had every right to be present at the meeting."

The Conservative group said: "[We have] at every stage tried to give Jayne the benefit of doubt and supported her in every one of her previous campaigns. We have been meticulous in ensuring that this situation has been dealt with fairly and properly, at every level. Her recent actions were, frankly, a step too far."

Councillor Cowan has yet to comment on the groups decision, but has appealed against it.

COWAN: A step too far

News

November 7 2005

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A NEW CHARITY shop aimed exclusively at students opened on Albany Road on Wednesday.

Inspired by focus groups with Cardiff University students, the ‘concept’ shop is aimed primarily at young people and stocks clothing, classic vinyl, CDs, DVDs, virtual gifts and university textbooks.

Specific student-style clothing is sold at the store and includes vintage clothing, a retro denim section and a rail of original eveningwear.

A set of decks have been set up permanently and a meeting area with a fair-trade coffee machine is also situated at the back.

The store, @ The Albany, is run by international charity Save the Children and is currently the first of its kind to be launched in the UK. It intends to create as many links with students as possible, from a proposed ‘scrounger’ system at the end of term, to a chance for students to revamp donated items and display their own artwork Andy Nakonecznyj, marketing executive of Save the Children, said: "The mutual talk was originally about having a bookshop or coffee shop exclusively for students in Cardiff.

"We then had a focus group with students

from the University, talking about the sorts of stuff students wanted to buy, like retro clothing, music and fair trade products.

“We also wanted to make it a place where people could learn about the charity. People had been ringing about the earthquake and we’ve come up with an Action Station – a PC at the back of the store with access to out website where they can find about us and donate."

Shop-designer Fiona Eaton added: "This has been a great project to work on; the design and feel of the shop is unlike any other Save the Children store in the country.

"We have worked closely with Cardiff University and gained invaluable information from the students. We expect the store will be a great success."

To celebrate the opening, which was attended by Radio 1 presenter Huw Stephens, numerous celebrities have donated signed memorabilia to be sold during a week-long silent auction.

The donations include clothing from Katie Melua, a shirt from Welsh actor Rhys Ifans, signed Live 8 books, a signed David Walliams picture, six signed Manic Street Preachers CDs and vinyls from Mr Scruff, Basement Jaxx, KT Tunstall and Mr Scruff.

Save the Children works with vulnerable children in the UK and has been working in Wales since the 1920s.

INSET: Huw Stephens, who opened the store

PHOTO: James Perou

By Charissa Coulthard News Editor

All in the name of charity r a t s e i r r Co studies m s i r y r r e T

By Jenna Harris Reporter

A FORMER Coronation Street actor who was once mistaken for a terrorist at customs, is taking a masters course in terrorism at a Welsh University.

Nigel Pivaro played hell-raiser Terry Duckworth, but has now swapped fame for an MA in International Relations at the University of Wales, Aberystwyth.

Pivaro first appeared in the soap in 1983, playing the tearaway son of Jack and Vera until 1987. Since then he has returned to the Street for numerous guest appearances and has starred in the British music film 24 Hour Party People.

His own brush with antiterrorism measures came in 2001 when his mobile was mistaken for a gun

PIVARO: The former actor is now studying at Aberystwyth (above)

by officials at the Dover customs.

Since his acting days he has become a full time student, first studying a Contemporary Military and International History BA at Salford University, before starting his MA, which includes aspects of counter-terrorism.

The former star hopes to become an expert in the field of terrorism.

He describes his career change as ‘the best thing I’ve ever done’.

"When you’re an actor you can be left with huge chasms of time to fill and you need something to tax you mentally", he said.

"It’s not always easy being a mature student and even more difficult if you’re a recognisable face as well.

"I was very nervous about that at first. The students would do that gawping thing when they saw me walk into lampposts.

"But the people on my course were great and made me feel that I was just one of them."

IT’S BIN A SUCCESSFUL YEAR

By Helen Roxburgh Reporter CELEBRATIONS TOOK place last Friday to mark the first anniversary of Cardiff’s groundbreaking recycling scheme.

A special roadshow was set up outside Queen’s Arcade to raise further awareness of recycling schemes in the area.

Members of Keep Cardiff Tidy and Cardiff County Council’s recycling team were on hand to offer advice to shoppers about recycling and give information on environmental schemes.

Eight new stainless steel

recycling bins, known as ‘Thanks Banks,’ were introduced in Queen Street last October and in their first year helped recycling levels to rocket by 63%.

The bins are divided into four sections to separate cans, plastic bottles and general litter.

Almost a tonne of recyclable rubbish is collected from them weekly.

A survey of students in Cardiff showed that 78% use and recognise the recycling bins, and that awareness among the general population of Cardiff is up from 35% a year ago to 70% now.

RUBBISH?: No. Cardiff’s recycling scheme has had a very successful year

News

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November 7 2005

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PINNACLE OF POOR “We lived with the smell of dead rats for months. Then the

By Dan Ridler News Editor A GROUP OF students are taking legal advice after maggots began falling from their ceiling last week.

The students, residents of Hirwain Street, Cathays, have complained about rodent problems since they moved in in July.

On their arrival at the house they found a rat drowned in the toilet and a dead seagull rotting in the garden.

Aside from this, they claim that the house had been improperly cleaned, with one housemate finding pubic hairs on the mattress and a bloody plaster on the floor upon his arrival.

Pinnacle, the letting agent for the property, have been reluctant to accept any blame. “We don’t actually clean them ourselves,” said a spokeswoman for the company. “We hired a contractor to clean the houses, but we did recieve a lot of complaints about them.

We have now switched contractors.”

Since they moved in, the students have had constant rodent problems.

“We’ve put down mouse traps” said housemate Oliver Milburn.

“We caught mice all over the kitchen and found five mice in the traps in just three days.”

The housemates realised they had a serious problem though, when the smell of dead rats, which had festered in the ceiling cavity between the first floor bedrooms and the attic room began to intensify.

“The smell in my bedroom was unbearable, I had to move out,” said one of the housemates.

“The problem is that I work at the Welsh Club in Cardiff so I had to commute for an hour over summer to do my job.”

“Basically I was spending a large portion of my wages just paying to get to and from Cardiff, because I didn’t want to lose my job.”

The students informed Pinnacle of the smell but claim that they did not act for weeks.

“We had to call out the council ourselves,” said Gareth Paisey, a gair rhydd contributor. gair rhydd spoke to the Council’s pest control department who told us the responsibility for pest control was a ‘grey area’.

The housemates have claimed a Pinnacle employee suggested that they view the incident as a ‘life experience’, that was ‘character building’.

“I didn’t know what to say, I was a bit shocked” said tenant Neil Turner.

“We don’t pay £245 a week for a life experience, we pay it for a comfortable house where we can live and study!”

Pinnacle’s spokeswoman denies any employee would have said this in seriousness, claiming that “any comment like that, I can only assume, was a joke with the guys.”

“We empathise with the tenants,” she said, “and we do not take issues like this lightly. We are trying to sort it out”.

CAUGHT: In the kitchen

ROTTING: Rat above a bedroom

“The smell was unbearable, I had to move out” Pinnacle’s contractors have also come in for criticism. “The builder has been fantastic, but when the pest control contractors finally came out, all they did was to tell us that there was a dead rat in the ceiling cavity and gave us scent bags to try and get rid of the smell. Then they slagged off the work that the council have done and left.”

Pinnacle have refuted this allegation, saying: “We have worked closely with the council to try and rectify the issue, and we sent our own contractors around as soon as we were made aware of the problem”.

Last week things took a turn for the worse for the housemates when maggots which had been feeding on dead rats began to worm their way down through

VERMIN: 5 caught in 3 days

NO MORE MESSING: The unhappy tenants

News

November 7 2005

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news@gairrhydd.com

SERVICE? maggots started to come through” SQUIRMING: arm Maggots in the fire al

Make that a triple Elation as gair rhydd and Quench win three Guardian awards

By Charissa Coulthard News Editor

“Pinnacle told us that it was a life experience”

MAGGOTS: In the bedroom the light fixtures and fire alarms and into the bedrooms. One of the housemates arrived home to find her bed covered with maggots.

“Maggots started dripping through the ceiling, it was disgusting,” said Alex Ramsey, a tenant at the house.

“Pinnacle haven’t done anything to stop this - they’ve been awful.”

The students blame the rat infestation on holes on the outside and inside of the building which are allowing vermin direct access to the wall cavity and from there a free run of the house.

Despite having allegedly conducted an inspection of the house before the tenants moved in, Pinnacle claim to know nothing of these entry points, and claim to be unable to do anything about them.

“It’s not our job, only the landlord can make repairs to the house,” they said. “Whilst we do inspect the house before the tenants move in we are not qualified to comment on it structurally.

That’s the council’s job.”

ENTRY POINT: Mousehole

CELEBRATIONS WERE in full swing for the gair rhydd and Quench teams last Wednesday after winning the top three categories at the Guardian Student Media Awards 2005.

Stealing the crown from the University of York’s publication, York Vision – which has held the position for the last three years – gair rhydd scooped the Newspaper of the Year award, with former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan branding the final issue of last year “a very well executed broadsheet”.

Quench equalled the high standards by winning Magazine of the Year. In a surprising hat-trick, its former Editor James Anthony was also crowned winner of the prestigious Journalist of the Year award at the end of the ceremony.

He said: "No-one’s more shocked than me. I bet several colleagues that we would come away with nothing.

"One major plus is that we’ve broken the three-year run of York Vision. Their standard constantly pushes the envelope.

"The fact that the legacy set by Tristan [Thomas, previous Editor] and Alex [Macpherson, ex-deputy Editor] has continued and improved means a great deal.

"I can’t forget that the head honcho, Gary Andrews was the lynchpin of all things gair rhydd.

Without him, none of this would be possible.

"If I’m walking with a limp it’s

because I suffered a nasty sprain in the wallet from the champagneand-cigar celebrations afterwards.

To say the night exceeded my expectations would be a massive understatement."

Former Editor Gary Andrews was equally ecstatic about taking the crown. He said: "I'm absolutely over the moon.

"When I took the job, never in a million years did I think we'd take best paper and magazine at the Guardian.

"It's a massive achievement to win and it really makes all the late nights and effort worth it from last year.

"It was a privilege to be elected to edit gair rhydd and I'm glad I've been able to repay everybody's faith in me by helping the paper and magazine to victory.

"But, at the same time, any editor is only as good as his team and last year I had a fantastic group of section editors. The amount of time and dedication everybody who worked on the paper put in was phenomenal and I couldn't have asked for a better set of people.

"This award really is for the entire paper and everybody who worked on it as without them we'd have never have taken this award.

“It's awesome that Jim [James Anthony] took Best Overall Journalist - he thoroughly deserved it. He was a great friend and colleague and helped push Quench forward to another level.

"There's nobody who deserves that award more, and hopefully he can give me employment in a few years’ time when I'm sitting outside the Guardian with a sign saying ‘will write for food.’"

The Guardian’s Editor, Alan Rusbridger, opened the awards ceremony with a speech, before handing over to television personality Russell Brand who hosted the evening.

Matt Hill, aka Dr Matthew of last year’s gair rhydd Problem Page, shared the editors’ enthusiasm. He said: "It was well good."

SCOOPER STUDENTS: The gair rhydd and Quench team celebrate

News

Baptism death

The Rev. Kyle Lake, 33, was electrocuted when he reached for a microphone whilst partially submerged in the Baptismal.

Doctors at the scene tried to resuscitate him, but he was then taken by ambulance to hospital where he was pronounced dead.

Church administrator Jamie Dudley said: "He was grabbing the microphone so everyone could hear.

It’s the only way you can be loud enough."

Ethiopia clashes

The Greenpeace flagship, the Rainbow Warrior II, ran aground last Tuesday morning at the Tubbataha reef marine park in the Sulu Sea. The park, which is a world heritage site, is just off the coast of the Philippines, 400 miles south-east of its capital, Manila.

The Rainbow Warrior II has been on a four-month tour of the Asia-Pacific region to promote environmentally-friendly energy sources.

Greenpeace divers were in the area inspecting the effects of global warming.

The environmental group has agreed to pay the fine set by the Filipino government, but attribute the accident to outdated maps of the area which the government provided them with.

A spokesman for Greenpeace said: "The chart indicated we were a mile and a half from the coral reef when the ship ran aground. This accident could have been avoided if the chart was accurate.”

The expedition to the Tubbataha reefs is part of a global effort to assess and document the effects of global warming, and to show what could be lost if governments of the world choose not to act.

The final assessment of the total damage caused by Greenpeace covered an area of 1050 square feet.

The expedition is able to continue as damage to the Rainbow Warrior II was minimal, but the damage to Greenpeace’s reputation may be more long lasting.

Tubbataha Park Manager Angelique Songco said: "We appreciate the work that Greenpeace continues to do for the environment. We also appreciate the immediate action they took to get the full assessment of the damage.”

Eight people were killed and 43 were wounded in the violence, which saw numerous leaders of the opposition party arrested.

Prime Minister, Meles Zenawi, blamed the unrest on the opposition and accused them of committing treason and ‘serious crimes’ prior to the election.

A spokesman for the opposition said: "To blame us for this violence is madness. The measures the police took were excessive."

Vampire bat rabies

Vampire bat-attacks are not unheard of, but Brazilian health authorities are struggling to deal with the unusually high number of rabies infections - more than 1300 in the recent wave.

Experts say the increase could be due to deforestation taking away the bats’ natural habitat, or cattle farming in the area providing them with ample food and swelling their numbers.

Blonde hair and blue-eyed 13-yearold twins Lamb and Lynx Gaede were criticised for demanding that their donations to the victims of Hurricane Katrina should go to white people only.

The twins, who perform under the band name Prussian Blue, have been singing their extremist songs to allwhite crowds since the age of nine and regularly headline Holocaustdenial events in the US.

Named after the residue left by the poison used to gas millions in concentration camps, the twins have sickened many Americans since forming three years ago.

Lynx says: "We are proud of being white. We want our people to stay white. We want our children to look like us with blonde hair and blue eyes.

"We want to preserve our race. If you start mixing races, it all becomes one big mess and we don’t want that."

Critics claim they have been brainwashed because of being homeschooled by their mother who uses texbooks from the 1950s.

Lynx says: “We don't believe that six million Jews were executed. I mean, there were not even that many Jews alive then.”

Speaking in Washington, Mukhtar Mai, 36, told of her battle with the Pakistani system that allowed a tribal council of village elders to deem it acceptable for her to be raped by four men.

The punishment was made so the men could avenge their honour after her 13-year-old brother allegedly had sex with a woman from a higherclass family.

Mai and her family deny the affair ever took place, claiming it was in fact the brother who was sexually assaulted by members of the other family.

In June, Pakistan’s General Musharraf refused to allow Mai to travel to the US in fear that she would bring bad publicity to the nation. But Musharraf, a strong ally of President Bush’s war on terror, had to back down due to protest.

The method of restoring a family’s honour by rape is commonplace in Pakistan.

Mai received Glamour Magazine’s Woman of the Year Award in New York last Wednesday and she plans to use the money to help educate Pakistanis about the need to end the kind of tribal law that allowed her rape.

She has already set up a girl’s school but believes it is equally important that boys learn that women have the same rights as men under Islam.

She told human rights activists: "I am fighting a fight against oppression, where women and the poor are oppressed by feudal lords.”

Despite her ordeal, Mai plans to return to Pakistan. She added: "I think that the fight can be fought only by living in Pakistan. You cannot fight by leaving.”

Comment

November 7 2005

Page 7

geordie@gairrhydd.com

The chewing gum on the shoe of opinion

Invitation to Iranian Invasion

I

thought our leaders were stupid. I’m glad I don’t live in Iran.

President Ahmadinejad’s call for Israel to be “wiped off the map” was like saying ‘Hey America, come invade me!’, and thousands of protestors taking to the streets wearing bibs showing a burning Star of David is like a red rag to a bull. Or is it?

Trigger-happy George needs little excuse, and has probably had his beady eyes on Iran since before the invasion of Iraq - particularly given their actual, real possession of nuclear technology as opposed to Iraq’s fictitious WMD. Crony Blair is reportedly keeping the military option open and as a Catholic probably shares the view of the American religious right that protection of the Jewish people is ‘smiled on by God’. And if Iraq had had any Weapons of Mass Destruction, they were always more likely to be used against Israel than the US or UK. The Iranians aren’t the PM’s favorite people to begin with, amid accusations over the last few weeks of Iranian assistance to Iraqi insurgents.

We’ve gone to war over less.

But with dwindling support for the Iraq war in the US and the UK heightened after the indictment of Dick Cheney’s right-hand man and the forthcoming court martial of an RAF officer who refused to serve a third tour of Iraq - it’s hard to believe that either government could muster enough popular support to extend military involvement to Iran.

Blair may have cried wolf - it’s virtually impossible for the public and parliament to trust him enough to go to war if we ever actually need to, and if he makes noises about Iranian nukes nobody will believe him.

Of course, the Israelis aren’t especially keen on letting others do their fighting for them anyway. Only the strength of diplomatic ties between the governments of Bush Senior and Yitzhak Shamir prevented Israeli

2 G ✑

The House of Lords is a shambles. The leader of the Green Party has nominated himself for a peerage, and the DUP’s Ian Paisley has nominated his wife. Recently, the Liberal Democrats held an internal party election to choose their candidate, after which Charles Kennedy threw out the result and nominated his man.

In an ideal world, elevation to the upper house would be vaguely based on competence and experience.

Instead, it is based on loyalty and, effectively, cronyism.

It’s bad enough the Government picking the biggest Blairite candidates for peerages without the other

Wanted:

retaliation against Iraqi missile attacks during the 1991 Gulf War. A pre-emptive strike in the name of self-defence

by Israel herself seems at least as likely as Western involvement.

It wouldn’t be the first time they’ve taken the initiative in a defensive war.

It’s hardly surprising - being on the

uncomfortable end of a genocide is bound to make a people a bit jittery.

While the Israeli Defence Force may have fired the first shots in the Six Day War in 1967, their actions were provoked by the closure of the Strait of Tiran to Israeli shipping and an Egyptian military buildup in the Sinai

BOMBS OVER TEHRAN: Child’s painting of potential US attack parties joining them in acting on favoritism and nepotism rather than selecting the candidate who is geniunely best for the job.

My answer? Pick the Lords like a jury. Subject, obviously, to a basic intelligence and competence test, since most people are morons. Better morons than corrupt politicians.

✎

Boris

✑

The news today carried reports of a ‘seventh night

Johnson

was on .

He picked some quality tunes - the Beatles’ Here Comes The Sun, Van Morrison’s Brown-Eyed Girl and a Rolling Stones number. Can we please have this man as Prime Minister? It’d have to be in a minority government, mind.

of rioting’ in Paris.

Why are they only rioting at night?

What happens? The Sun comes up and they all decide ‘bugger this guys, lets go home. Same time tomorrow?’

✎

Halloween apparently gives people to behave like complete arseholes.

Encourages it, in fact.

Throwing eggs is one thing, but the proximity to Bonfire Night means some little gits think it’s clever to throw bangers as well. I suffered a near miss the other night.

There something fundamentally wrong with the ‘trick or treat’ ethos, too: give me something i want but don’t necessarily deserve or I’ll do bad things to you.

It’s not just kids that do this. There’s another class of people that do it too.

peninsula. Similarly, when the air force destroyed the al-Tuwaitha nuclear research facility in Iraq in 1981, it was claimed that the reactor was producing weapons destined for Jerusalem.

Being on the end of a genocide is bound to make a people a bit jittery The universal international condemnation of the both of these defensive actions (although criticism of the latter was retracted by many a decade later) shows that unilateral Israeli action is unlikely. In the eyes of the rest of the world, they’ll never get away with it, no matter how much they’re sweating about Iran developing a nuclear capability.

In fact, despite his reputation for hawkishness, Ariel Sharon made no indication that military action was a possibility. The official line from the Prime Minister’s office was that Iran should be kicked out of the United Nations, though how removing the country from the one forum in which the international community can give them a damn good bollocking is going to help is anyone’s guess.

So, despite what the tabloids and scaremongers are saying, it’s hardly the modern-day equivalent of the Cuban Missile Crisis. President Ahmadinejad will likely carry on spouting anti-Israel venom for a while, with fewer and fewer people listening. And, when the Sharons and Bushes and Blairs finally can’t be bothered to react any more, he’ll shut his vicious trap. Then the Iranian Government can get back to its day job of oppressing its own people, which will be met with not a word of Western criticism.

Terrorists.

✑

Our front page story this week covers the state of a particularly problematic student house after a rodent infestation left the residents with a bit of a maggot problem.

Possibly the worst part of the whole affair is that the problem is a longstanding one, yet none of the previous tenants made the current occupiers aware during their house-hunting.

When my place had mice a couple of years ago, I had the decency to make sure potential new tenants were aware of it. And it pissed off the agency, which was mostly the point.

✎

Besides which, I think ID cards are a bad idea.

Resident illustrator/cartoonist Email geordie@gairrhydd.com

HOUSEBO

I

f I was going to be evicted from my house, I’d be fairly annoyed. If it was my own private property that I’d spent several hundreds of thousands of pounds on, I’d be fuming. If the reason for the property seizure was that I’d breached the conditions of an ASBO, I’d think they were taking the piss. But they wouldn’t be; they’d be deadly serious, for that is the idea behind the new Government crackdown on anti-social behaviour.

It seems that despite New Labour’s slide to the right, there are still a few crazed commie lunatics in a position to make important decisions. As the law stands, private property can only be taken away from its owners in the cases of repossession for unpaid debts (in which case they aren’t really the owners anyway) and when the property in question is ‘ill-gotten’: the proven proceeds of criminal activity.

Which is as it should be. Not only does the Government claiming rights on its citizens’ private property represent the loss of yet another personal freedom, it’s also a completely disproportionate response. Not to mention plain ineffective.

ASBOs can be dished out for such offences as, for example, being drunk and disorderly or attempting to commit suicide. The conditions of these could be not to be drunk, or not to go near a bridge. So if Mr Offender slips up and has one too many or strays too close to a bridge, the police apply to a magistrate who then takes away the house that Mr Offender has spent years paying off the mortgage for, with his hard-earned salary.

And then Mr Offender is left homeless. And the subsequent ‘antisocial’ nature of the existence forced upon him will probably mean another ASBO. And he’ll probably be forced to turn to crime, as begging isn’t especially profitable. (Particularly as people will have less money to give to the needy after they have to pay £300 for an ID card.) Which is a much worse scenario, all in all, than letting a drunk stagger home.

Does the Government actually think through their proposals? Check what might potentially go wrong?

Balance any good they’re doing with the potential bad they might cause? It doesn’t seem like it. It seems like most of their new plans are knee-jerk reactions to a real or imagined threat, or to whatever the PM is declaring ones of his ‘wars’ on at the minute.

War on drugs. War on terror. War on anti-social behaviour. It’s like somebody put the Daily Mail in charge of the country, though it’s left to the press to point out governmental stupidity.

Actually, these new ones probably aren’t all that bad. Most recipients of ASBOs live in council housing anyway…

Page 8

November 7 2005 opinion@gairrhydd.com

FREE WORD Letting the truth out ITS SAD to see yet another letting agent in the headlines for all the wrong reasons.

What is sadder though, is to read the story of the students who have had to suffer, whilst letting agents pass the blame between various parties and dodge taking any responsibility.

If you are about to start thinking of embarking on a house hunt, it might be worth waiting a few more weeks.

Don’t rush into signing a contract, and don’t be persuaded by anyone telling you that you’ll get a better deal if you sign early, or the best houses always go first.

There are more houses than students, and there will be for the forseeable future. Fact.

Next month, the Sabb team, in conjunction with gair rhydd will be launching the definitive guide to student housing. This free guide to letting a house will contain crucial points for those students entering the private housing market for the first time, or re-renting this year.

Keep cool, get wise, and get a good deal. Overall don’t panic, you won’t regret it.

Xpress Yourself GOOD LUCK to Xpress radio who are now live accross the city on 87.9FM. It’s great to see our colleagues here on the fourth floor of the Union building, next door to gair rhydd towers, back on air and a great chance for students to experience an alternative form of radio.

In this week’s paper Media look at what’s instore for all of us here in Cardiff as Xpress take to the air once again.

A massive amount of effort goes into getting Xpress from the studios to the ears of the student body, so if you’re near a radio make sure you tune in and show your support.

Guarding the awards CONGRATULATIONS TO last year’s editorial teams on winning the two major prizes at the Guardian awards.

To take both best magazine and best newspaper at such prestigious awards is a huge achievement, and a credit to those involved. They deserve no less for their dedication to producing Cardiff’s printed student media week in week out for the previous 12 months.

Special congratulations to James Anthony who won Best Student Journalist, a fantastic award to show for all his endless hours of work. All the work has paid off and the bar has definitely been raised.

Good luck to the team again for Saturday at the Mirror awards, hopefully this is just the start and gair rhydd can manage the double.

THE ART OF MAYBE The unspoken complexities and rules of the female ‘maybe’ are as old as time itself. James Lewis explains how to crack the code

M

aybe? Maybe?! It is a word spoken by a female, which is supposed to encapsulate total subtlety by definition. It is supposed to be the ultimate tool of ‘coyness’, leaving whoever it is being imposed on in a state of suspense, eager to know, “is that a Yes or No?” When in the social sphere of the night club, it is implemented when a female wants to gain more attention off a guy who she already knows will be cooking breakfast for her the next morning.

In my experience, it does not work anymore (now that I have ‘cracked the code’ as such). When dealt the answer ‘maybe’ it is as good as ‘Protestantwedlock’, it means “marry me now so you can f**k me quick”. ‘Maybe is a definite ‘YES’. ‘Maybe’ is ‘YES’

printed in 20ft pulsating neon strobes, surrounded by flashing pink bulbs. As soon as the ‘M’ word is mentioned, in reply to any approaching question to a ‘lady’, I know she would definitely leave me her last ‘rolo’™®. In the animal world this word is translated to actions; the peacocks vivid feather ‘ruffling’ and ‘strut’, or, seen in the actions of a female panda ‘presenting herself’ over a rock (or large log if you wish) for intercourse during mating season.

However, this theory is not gospel.

‘Maybe’ can be used (in very rare cases I have found) as an actual expression of true uncertainty; she may really not know what to say, and quite contrary to your thinking that “... hey, this lovely lady is really trying to get my motor running”, she could really be weighing up the eventualities of

ALBA: Maybe? We wish her chosen answer; ‘yes’ or ‘no’ (it is hard to imagine, but it does happen).

Therefore you could find yourself spinning around on the dance floor try-

ing to stabilise yourself after being slapped by a female who really was ‘unsure’ and not making use of the “ultimate tool of ‘coyness’”.

Waiting room

By Dave Menon

D

on’t you just love Sundays?

Another week of lectures are over, a heavy night at Come Play has passed and you wake up ready to taste a delicious roast that a housemate has put on the table ready for you.

I have been told many times that I live in cloud-cuckoo land, and perhaps the masses are right. But last Sunday was an absolute nightmare. Well, almost, even though Chelsea failed to beat Everton and lost their 100% league record.

Despite that piece of good news, football was to blame. In a mini training match, a player on the other team slide-tackled me from behind, and my right knee collided with a goal-post.

Crunch. Ouch! (I apologise for the tacky onomatopoeia).

Luckily the injury wasn’t serious, but the trouble started at hospital when I decided to get my knee checked out.

I arrived at the A & E department at 9pm on Sunday night, and I left the sodding building at 5am Monday

R O O M

T

he Faux Polite Conversation, or FPC, is tricky to explain without sounding like a person-accosting nut, a fact which has previously made me hesitate, but before my blood boils I've got to have my say.

I'm walking down Park Place last week when I see someone approach (I'll protect the guilty by leaving them nameless) with whom I have a general acquaintance; inevitable with the broad and busy lives of anyone at university. We both recognise each other and smile. I don't know if there's etiquette here but it seems if

morning! For those of you that can’t add, I had to wait for an unbelievable eight hours to see a doctor for all of ten minutes.

In that time I could have got pissed with my mates, watched at least 16 episodes of Family Guy, read a book or taken a plane to Africa.

The UK is supposed to be a developed country, why on Earth should it take that long to see a doctor? I am aware that other patients probably had more serious concerns, but eight hours is beyond a joke.

There are various reasons that could have caused this farcical situation.

Perhaps the government could be blamed for not pumping enough money into the NHS. Or perhaps the underlying reason could be the lack of doctors in the country at present. It could be a mixture of both; I'm not a political expert.

However, I am a very frustrated student that expects more from the NHS. I would like to see a faster, more efficient service that will help everybody in the long run.

Perhaps more doctors should be at

Al’s World

rhydd

work during the so-called ‘peak’ times such as Friday nights, Saturdays and Sundays.

Alternatively, one or two doctors could be given the responsibility of minor problems like mine, so a larger amount of people can be seen without a long wait.

Thirdly, hospitals could employ more temporary staff who can step in

at short-notice if a night is busier than anticipated.

I think this problem must be addressed urgently. If waiting times continue to rise, people with serious injuries will become more reluctant to visit A & E. And as a result, the general public will lose faith in hospital standards. Mr Blair, you have been warned.

worse version of the FPC is when they affect the conversation with such mawkish vigour that you know it couldn't possibly be heartfelt.

The subtle difference between superficial conversations and insincere ones is that you can leave a 30second conversation with no false promises of "we'll have to meet up" that you've no intention of keeping, or leave a five-minute conversation which is so peppered by awkward pauses and conversation purgatory not being part of the conversation and yet not leaving it - you feel like you've given the impression that you've tried to invite yourself home

with them.

Sinners of the FPC variety: If you really can't be assed, DON'T! Genuine hurry and you could say so, or just not stop.

Whose benefit is this for?

In my opinion, someone who immerses themselves in deliberately awkward conversation is akin to having masochistic tendencies. This need not be a painful process if people had the balls to be honest either way.

If you enter conversations but have not the civility to at least be polite, as Dionne Warwick and many others have said, walk on by.

1 0 1 you hold the gaze nanoseconds too long you end up in conversation with this person.

Unless I'm in a particular rush my predilection for talking means I am quite happy to chat for a few moments, and am usually genuinely interested in what they have to say (you may be cynical, Reader, but you'd be surprised at how many interesting revelations come from random catch-ups). However, what does piss me right off is when they do stop to talk to you, and you become stuck conversing with someone who takes great pains in showing you just how much you're distracting them. A

Editorial & Opinion EVERYBODY HATES A SEX OFFENDER

November 7 2005

Page 9

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Having spent one year working in a male sex offending prison, Rosie Powling reasons why there is another side to the people whom everyone loves to hate

T

he sexual offender is the dreg of society. Or so I used to think. I spent my third year working at the posychology department of a prison housing adult male, vulnerable prisoners, of whom the vast majority were sexual offenders. And never before have I had to challenge my preconformed beliefs as much as I did during this year.

All I have ever known of these people is what the media have told me

PRISON: Enjoy your stay

TO BAN OR NOT TO BAN? THE FUMING SMOKING DEBATE

By Laura Rowe

G

reat night: snakey-b stains, faint remainders of the dodgy kebab, and hair and clothes that smell like fag ash. We take it for granted that if we go out, even if we don’t smoke, we will inevitably come into contact with cigarette smoke.

Bar workers do not get the choice Smokers do

CIGS: Don’t breathe

o p i n i o n @ g a i r r h y d d . c o m

People ask me, didn't I loathe such people?

Page 10

November 7 2005 letters@gairrhydd.com

The gair rhydd letters page Hello guys, I hope you are all well. The letters this week have been fantastic, keep up the good work. By the way, how was your Halloween? My Halloween was good once I arrived at Fun Factory.

After purchasing a queue-jump ticket for Tiger Tiger, I was told to queue in a queue-jumping queue. Doesn’t that defeat the object of queue-jumping? Maybe they should call it a queue-jumping queue ticket. I will leave you to ponder that. Have a good week. Menon.

To Dell with it I'VE BEEN LIVING in a nightmare this week! Dodgy food last week gave me food poisoning, the Student Loans Company didn’t process my application and have now given me 500 quid too little... but that’s been the least of my worries.

Last week I ordered a machine from Dell computers online... or as many people [including me now] like to call them HELL. I spent ages finding the best deal, which would be most useful. I soon noticed a special deal with Dell that was ending... that very night! So of course I hurriedly ordered it and phew there goes my money!

But whilst I watched Neighbours, some of the best Neighbours EVER I might add, little did I know HELL [Dell] were in the process of ruining my week/month/year/.... well, month.

Five days later I rang to see where my order was, and after speaking to lots of women called Mary and Sarah in Indian call centres, I found out my order had actually been cancelled.

Suffice to say I wasn't happy.

But hey, all they had to do was reopen the order, and everything would be sorted... or so I thought.

Afterwards I discovered that my order was cancelled because the bank refused to credit them... which was weird because I’d seen my bank statement every day online and seen the money leave my account [which the bank have confirmed]... in fact, Hell denied ever having my money. Yet the money has left my bank!!!

Since then I have spoken to at least

text

15 different people in India about my problem. This is 726 quid I’m talking about!

I hate hate HATE talking to these call centres, run by people who don’t care, who are there just to read out pre-set lines of text. They have no grasp of customer relations and the fact they call themselves "customer care" is not just laughable but downright offensive.

I rang them for the final time, and told them unless I am dealt with fully and immediately I would take legal action against them. The woman merely said "thank you for calling Dell have a wonderful time today". I consider this theft of 700 quid and I will not stop until I get what I am owed AND compensation for the hassle.

So I rang my bank and reported the transaction to Dell as fraud. It’s in the hands of the fraud department now. It may take weeks or months to resolve this issue and who knows if I will see my money again.

The moral of the story is: don't buy from Dell. Please! Even if they offer you sickly sweet deals and tasty morsels, it's just not worth it!

Regards Jake [pissed off third-year]

Bear shits in woods, sun rises in east, james blunt is incredibly dull, car crime in city shock.

Black metal killed me.

Emo killed punk. R&B killed music.

Yours, Madge and Harold

Reu-tine reply THIS IS A response to the ‘angry fan’ who complained about the Reuben live review in the last issue of Quench.

Apologies about our reviewers’ mistake, we understand these types of errors cost lives.

We have of course taken the appropriate action of sending the said reviewer on a 15-week intensive conference to be lectured on the finer points of British Hardcore.

But we’d also like to extend an invitation to you: firstly, you could write into gair rhydd Letters with your phone number so we can call you ‘just to make sure’ next time someone is joined by a special guest.

Or alternatively, you could come to one of our Quench meetings and share your pernickety opinions: They’re held in the scream-proof bunker underneath the union on Thursdays at 3.30am, just ask for ‘Cannibal Dave,’ he’s expecting you.

Yours, Quench Music team.

Freedom fight

PLEASE COULD you inform us of the whereabouts of three down....

We think he may have eloped with six down and run off to Tonypandy.

We rely on the weekly crossword, both for mental stimulation unattainable in our degrees, and for emergency

I READ WITH interest the article

by Piers Horner about negotiating with the terrorists, and while your correspondent of the 31st was out of order in saying what he said, sadly he had a point.

These terrorists do not fight to win freedom for themselves, but to deny it to others.

Their ideal state was Afghanistan under the Taliban, where women were not allowed to be educated, work, or go outside without a male relative in attendance, where homosexuals had

If i had to live in Ramsey Street i’d live at susan’s..

Img champions versus cardiff football firsts.

Then we’ll see if you busa are actually more than shirts, ties and a homo attitude.

What do you call a fit guy in engineering? Gay!

Why are people still wearing sandals?

someone should start an ultimate masturbation society! mikey b

Bad monks do nuns.

Ich bin ein un liebenstein!

walls pushed on them, and where all music was banned.

Most of us would rather die than live in such a state, I know I would.

We fight these people not because we hate Islam, but because we love freedom. As I walked down Crwys Road this morning, I passed two churches and two mosques. And I didn’t see anyone trying to burn either.

In the world imagined by these terrorists, those churches would have been closed, and I would have had to wear a patch on my clothing to indicate I am a Christian.

I don’t want that, and I’m certain most Muslims in the West don’t want it either. Like the Muslims in Dearborn, Michigan, who live in peace with the Greek Orthodox of that town, despite centuries of warfare in the old countrythe lion lying down with the lamb.

Maybe our Western society isn’t perfect, but it’s the best we have. I may not agree with everything our government does, but I can express that disagreement.

Why do we fight? We fight because freedom cannot be negotiated. For example, consider the Emperor Constantine XI of Constantinople.

After his city was surrounded by a force ten times the size of his motley band of defenders, he declined a free exit from the city for himself and his men.

He could only stay, although it meant death. He would not barter his own freedom for the slavery of others.

We dare not do any less.

Yours sincerely, Gerard Charmley.

Xenophobe Probe

Cross-ing the line

07791165837

Year two engineering would like to congratulate you all on a complete crossword. Fucking fit.

bog roll.

An unfinished crossword is as unsatisfactory to wipe your arse with as it is to watch Shit 4 Crap (S4C) any day of the week.

Having voiced our complaint, we sign off with a light-hearted, politically correct joke...

Q. What did the lesbian vampire say to her lover?

A. Same time next month?

IN HIS ‘justified rant’, Mark attempts to explain just how flawed the argument of Piers Horner is.

There is no comparison between Islamic fundamentalists and the ‘IRA etc.’, as he claims. It’s interesting how he views the ‘IRA etc.’ to be the terrorising force.

If he read his history books, he would have noticed that those countries invaded, conquered, raped, pillaged, colonised etc, by the British during those wonderful ‘Empire Years’, weren’t that keen on being terrorised themselves.

Counter-terrorists may be a more appropriate term, and the term might not even be necessary if the likes of the British and indeed Americans stayed at home.

In part two of his rant, Mark attacks a Sri Lankan student welcomed to Britain as a student, but not so welcome as a taxpayer it would seem.

Sri Lanka is a former British colony, and as such, was left in civil strife when the British packed up and left.

No surprises there then. Currently recovering from last year’s tsunami, which I can’t seem to pin on the Americans or British, the country’s economy is not doing that badly.

Having described the country as a shithole, I’m sure Mark is not from Birmingham, Leeds, Bristol, Bradford, Glasgow, or one of the less salubrious areas of his own home town, on this island of ‘Great’ Britain.

This xenophobe should never be given a passport...

Yours, Pat - Planning Student.

I disagree with your closing statement. The narrow-minded, infamous post-grad History student should be given a passport.

Instead of sitting on his backside writing offensive letters, he should go to Sri Lanka and help rebuild the suffering nation. Mark, by the way, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life.

If you want to get your point across to the Cardiff population, this is the place to do it. Send your gripes to the above email address. If you want to see your letter printed in next week’s issue, try and email it by Thursday lunchtime.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

letter of the week Way off the Mark!

HAVING READ Mark the postgrad history student‘s letter, I feel the need to make a few comments of my own.

Firstly, Mark appears to misunderstand the whole point of Kenny’s letter. Far from asking for handouts or subsidies, he was making a valid point about the inconsistencies of the British higher education system.

The government and universities have wildly different policies regarding international students.

British unis are very keen to attract international students because of the

high fees they can be charged and in many cases, universities actively promote themselves abroad.

Once these students have graduated, it can be very hard for them to get a decent job, because of all the barriers the government places in front of them.

Even in areas where there are shortages of staff, such as in the NHS, the government can make it very difficult to get a job if you’re not British. This isn’t something that most unis want to admit.

My job requires me to work with overseas students and I can assure Mark that any kind of government

assistance is minimal, and financial help is non-existent.

Secondly, while you may not agree with the views of Kenny the international student, at least he was able to make his point without resorting to swearing and xenophobic insults.

It’s a pity that after over three years at uni, your vocabulary hasn’t expanded beyond ‘fuck’.

Regards, Khudeza, second-year History (Not an international student by the way)

Politics

November 7 2005

Page 11

VOTES IN PORRIDGE politics@gairrhydd.com

Tim Hewish on a European ruling that will give prisoners the vote

L

ast week the European Court of Human Rights ruled that any ban of prisoners’ right to vote would be deemed unlawful in their eyes. It’s too easy to jump to the conclusion that this automatically allows all criminals the right to vote but I fear that the law that ‘protects’ us is in decline.

Rules of Law that have been in place to protect the citizen are fast becoming porous. It is the shift in power that should be of worry. The EU, via the vanquished Constitution which they hope to implement through the political back door, will allow them the ‘right’ to choose what rights criminals may have and what evidence can and can not be used in court rooms. The most extreme is the use of ‘mutual recognition’, whereby member states must acknowledge decisions made by other courts in Europe as their own.

her entry into the EU, the rule of law over there reflecting a majority Islamic population whose law is somewhat barbarous and brutal. Richard Howitt, who is part of the EU’s Human Right Committee, was sent to Turkey after hearing reports of this nature. "What we heard was shocking. There were accounts of soldiers cutting off people's ears and tearing out their eyes if they were thought to be Kurdish separatist sympathisers ... You can't hear these things without being emotionally affected."

The irony in this, is that his title contains the words ‘human rights’. So what we have is the EU forcing us to change our electoral system to allow criminals to vote, while on the other hand, it wishes to have Turkey, whose

authorities commit acts like this, into the corrupt circle of EU members. Just imagine what it would be like to allow these types of people to vote in your own country or via "mutual recognition", having to recognise that criminals must have a right to vote. It will not be in the vested interests of basic human rights to allow criminals these rights, which regular citizen takes for granted. Here’s the crux of the argument: When a citizen is deemed to breach the code of law of his or her country they are sentenced and imprisoned.

They no longer have civil rights; they have lost the right that people have fought for, in the French Revolution and the American War of Independence, because they have

‘sinned’ against society.

Prisoners are property of the state and thus shouldn’t have the full rights of a citizen, one of which is to vote.

Start to imagine a world where a leading gang boss can influence his followers to vote one way or another. Or on the outside world to blackmail MPs, or people in positions of power to make new laws to allow passages of violence or illegal trading in drugs, arms and slaves.

Because they are a minority they may even be allowed to stand for Parliament to represent their views. It would be like Al Capone in 1920s America, running New York with a single hand, untouchable by the authorities, impervious to prosecution, owing to his overwhelming power and influ-

PRISONER VOTES: Ronnie Barker currently spinning in his grave

Keeping it real

By Andrew Rennison

E

ver since Henry Ford started building his little black cars, mass-production has been the way to go. Nearly a century on, life is dominated by things that are rolled off a factory line.

The shoes you’re wearing are probably being worn by thousands of other people worldwide, the potatoes in your kitchen all look the same to please a sphere-hungry public, and the chords of the song you’re listening to have quite possibly been recycled and thinly-disguised with melodramatic lyrics.

But politicians? Where are they made? There is no multinational sweatshop-led company churning out MPs. Unlike our perfect potatoes, politicians often have rough edges, odd shapes and the occasional terrifying growth.

So many important parts of the world are mass-produced to an acceptable standard – food, shoes, Westlife – that it seems slightly bizarre that the guys in Westminster can be such a varied and generally repulsive bunch.

Some MPs do, every now and again, come close to breaking out of this pigeonhole. Despite public contempt

steadily rising for eight years, Tony Blair has still been voted into office three times. And, difficult as it is to imagine now, he was of course once Mr Popularity amongst the masses.

Tabloids love a dirty story. The words ‘binge’, ‘orgy’ and ‘Eton’ should be absent from all records So, popular PMs are possible. But what ingredients produce a ‘perfect’ politician? In the end, these people are here to lie to us, moving their hands in several forceful directions and filling their sentences with hackneyed slogans as they do. Popularity is naturally hard when this is your job description.

Okay, let’s do this properly.

First off, appearance. Subject must be tall but not Lurch-like, and preferably broad but not intimidating to pensioners. Non-ginger on top is essential for two reasons: one, because no

visual item should distract from slogans and hand gestures; two, because, truth be told, ginger people suffer from an endless undercurrent of racism.

Next up, voice. Subject must orally avoid Bond villainy like the plague – if you sound like you live in a bunker plotting world domination whilst chuckling at yourself (ie. Michael Howard) you don’t stand a chance.

Background inevitably plays a role, as tabloids adore a dirty history. A lower-middle class origin is widely acceptable – unprivileged but not scummy. A university life full of work and free of weed is helpful, and the words ‘binge’, ‘orgy’ and ‘Eton’ should be absent from all records.

But really, as electable as this model might be, I think we need a bit of what we already have. Beyond the lies and the clichés and the polish, politicians’ natural flaws give them the only authenticity they have. Real people have big noses or weird voices or patchy histories or even ginger hair.

Desire ministerial ‘perfection’ every time and that simply leaves us with the deception and the slogans we already had, shredding the one common bond of humanity linking us to them.

Prisoners are property of the state and thus shouldn’t have the full rights of a citizen

Now people of a legal conservative mind are being stripped of the right to vote for their belief systems, which last time I checked represented the views of a Christian Europe. The recently elected, notice the choice of word, elected, President of Poland Lech Kaczynski, has publicly stated that gay marches will not occur under his rule and wishes the death penalty to be reintroduced.

If he doesn’t comply with EU article six on protecting minorities, then via article seven, Poland’s voting power will be removed. In a world which seeks to protect European society via the EU’s human rights, why can’t any murmurs of capital punishment be uttered, which sought to rid society of evil men and women, rather than hand them the vote?

Think about terrorists, rapists and murderers having a vote, just like you Stephen Jakobi, director of Fair Trials Abroad, said, "The problem really arises with recognising decisions made in countries where the provision of legal aid and advice is totally inadequate, and professional interpretation services are virtually non-existent."

Take the example of Turkey; she is being discussed by member states over

ence. But this time he would be within his new human right to vote on political and social matters.

How can any human being justify a safer world when criminals are given such freedom? Think about terrorists, rapists, and murderers, having a vote just like you. But the Liberal Democrats, who have supported the lifting of a ban on prisoners voting, welcomed the move.

No way Norway, ma nah ma nah

By Andrew Mickel Political Editor

T

he Amish make a good point: technology really is terrifying.

Every so often, though, something comes along that instead of making you hide under a table, makes you sit up and wonder why someone didn’t invent it sooner. So hats off to the BBC bods about to launch the iMP (interactive media player) so we can all watch whatever we want online.

At the same time, the BBC’s licence fee negotiations are upon us once again, and are, as usual, being attacked from all quarters for the massive hike they’re hoisting upon us. There can be little doubt that there’s still plenty of fat to cut in the corporation - from BBC’s Three and Four to the national and regional broadcasting that soaks up money like a sponge.

Not to mention the massively overstaffed sacred cow that is BBC News.

NORWAY: Not phallic But what happens if the BBC does lose it’s funding? Dangerous lessons from—of all places— Norway, where their public service broadcaster has just launched their equivalent of an iMP, but through Microsoft.

This means that people not only pay their taxes for the programmes to be made, they then have to pay a different company altogether to watch them.

Yes, £150 for a licence fee within a few years would be obscene, especially if the funding system isn’t reformed and certain branches of the Corporation aren’t hacked away like the dead wood they are. But Norway’s example shows what happens if you don’t pay enough for a government service in the first place; you’ll end up paying again later.

November 7 2005

Page 13 science@gairrhydd.com

Space against time Isn’t it about time we launched our own rocket?

By Andrew Mickel Science Correspondent

South China Morning Post

W

ITH NASA consumed with problems over what it is going to do about it’s next generation of shuttles, and the International Space Station running late enough to suggest that Cardiff Bus is in charge of the project, it would be easy to think that space travel was on the backburner.

JOHNNY FIVE: Lost in space

We get by on a shoestring budget and robots

Science in brief Sex Appeal Researchers at

Ooops Greenpeace has

isn’t just for Journalism students!

Science

Running On Scrap

By Victoria Sayce Environment correspondent

F

OR YEARS scientists have been heralding hydrogen as the fuel of the future.

Top Gear

Interview

Page 14

November 7 2005

interviews@gairrhydd.com

LUCK OF THE IRISH

Amira Hashish discusses career, comedy and “classy” ladies with Patrick Kielty before he commences the Cardiff leg of his current tour

I

practice the art of talking on a regular basis. It can only be regarded as a compliment when people comment on my ability to speak for an excessive amount of time. Following a recent telephone conversation, however, I fear that I have a competitor for my You Could Talk For Britain title. One who is such a specialist in the field that he has made a successful career out of it.

Thirty-four year old Patrick Kielty is best known for his work as a television presenter on programs such as or . His enthusiasm for the shows is evident. "I have never fallen out of love with stand-up though. It is always the first love," he says.

His passion with his old flame has been re-ignited since embarking on his first UK stand-up tour. The comedian is frank about his decision to go back to his roots. "It got to the point where I over-dosed on stand-up comedy in my early years. Then I moved to England and did broadcasting work. The truth was that I wasn’t good enough at TV at the start. I wanted to get to a stage where I was comfortable and confident with what I was doing on telly before I moved back to the stage."

The reaction to his latest venture has been surprising. "I think some people think they are coming to see a halfcobbled together gossip session. But I have actually taken four months off and written a proper one man show. Performing stuff which you have thought of and formulated is amazing."

competition with the prize of a keg of beer for Freshers’ week. I won the competition and it meant that all the way through university I wasn’t the quiet kid. Girls were looking at you in a different way. I realised that I was batting way above my average but I thought it was kind of cool. I wanted to push it far as I could and suddenly you find yourself being chatted up by Paris Hilton."

Patrick’s feelings on the subject of one P. Hilton

Kielty on his professional mental state Despite his obvious fondness of his career, this is not Kielty’s only passion.

Another subject that continues to surface is his luck with the ladies. The chosen name for the tour is No Woman, No Cry. "You can either take it that I’m looking for a woman or you can take it that I don’t have a woman, therefore, I am not miserable" he explains when asked to elaborate on the title. He is the first to admit that his Irish charm is a temptation for females. "I don’t know what it is but American women seem to be a sucker for the Irish accent. There is also quite a bit of that in London. I moved to Chelsea. There are a lot of posh chicks there. It’s fantastic because they love a bit of rough." When asked whether that was precisely the reason he chose to live in the area he admits, "It’s not. But that is why I’m staying there."

It is easy to appreciate why Kielty refers to his life as "weird and wonderful" when he adds Paris Hilton to his

PATRICK KIELTY: The Irish charmer certainly has a way with words list of female fans. "The ridiculousness of my job means you end up being invited to these bizarre parties. I am from a tiny village in Ireland and then you find yourself being chatted up by people like Paris." I ask him if "anything happened?" Considering what the vast majority of my male friends would do if in the single’s shoes, his response intrigues me. "The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. She is not my type. She is cute; she is skinny; she dresses well. But when you put it all together it just doesn’t add up. It doesn’t get my rocks off."

So has anyone caught his eye recently? "You imagine touring will be like a crazy rock experience. You see yourself on a tour bus surrounded by

women and doing more drugs than Pete Doherty. Then you realise that the reality is completely different. It is just you and your tour manager."

I ponder as to whether his lifestyle has actually prevented him from being able to sustain a relationship. "I think that it’s hard to juggle a relationship in any career when someone is not going to be there all the time," he considers.

"In a funny way that tends to spice things up though. I think that people have to deal with the insanity of being with a comedian. You are wired but not earthed. There is a veneer of sensibility that once you actually peel it away reveals a lot. You need to be crazy to stand on stage with the width of a microphone cable between you and up

to 1000 people saying, ‘here’s what I think is funny. What do you think?’ It is only a matter of time before people think, ‘I am seeing this guy and he seems really funny. But there is a difference between being funny for money and just being funny.’ My kid brother doesn’t even think I am one of the funniest people in my family.”

The story of how Kielty became the person we see on stage is an appropriately humorous one. "University was really where I started out. I wasn’t one of these people that did a media degree and wanted to get into telly.”

“I did psychology because there were 95 girls in my class. The lads in my house thought it would be a really good idea to enter me into a talent

It is not only Hilton that enjoys chatting to the cheeky chap. His job has seen him rub shoulders with some of the world’s most high-profile figures. "I hosted the opening ceremony for the Special Olympics in Ireland.

That went live to nine hundred million.

The best thing was that I got to bring Nelson Mandela on stage. The following morning I got a call from Mohammed Ali’s manager.

Mohammed thought I was really cool and asked if I would go and meet him.

My phone screensaver used to be me punching Mohammed Ali. More recently, I bribed some police men to let me backstage at the Pope’s funeral.

So I have this really obscure screensaver of me next to the Pope."

So what would make a stand-up superior at his job? Since talking to the expert I have learnt that it is essential to write your own material. The content is also of great significance. "The show isn’t just tittle-tattle. I think whenever you are from Northern Ireland you always have a political sense. But you have to remember you are doing a comedy show not a political lecture." The conscientious comedian remembers another one of life’s lessons, "Lean on the leg that shakes the most!"

West End shows, American comedy festivals and more antics are on the cards in the near future.

What makes this joker’s life so exciting, however, is the unexpected turns.

"I was so surprised when Queen’s gave me an honorary doctorate last year.

People tell me I should be ashamed of myself. Someone is looking for a cure for cancer in a research department while I am hosting that shite on TV. Yet, I have an honorary degree. The way I look at it is, whenever that someone finds a cure they will get that award. In the mean time people need a chuckle. Who better to give it to them than Doctor Kielty?" I couldn’t have put it better myself.

Taf-Od

Mae hyrwyddo mawr wedi bod i’r achlysur hon trwy gydol y flwyddyn, ond cafwyd uchafbwynt y dathlu ar 28 Hydref.

Ar y dyddiad yma yn 1905, y rhoddodd y brenin Edward VII statws ddinesig i Gaerdydd. Trefnwyd cyfres o weithgareddau er mwyn cofio’r diwgyddiad hanesyddol a phwysig yn hanes Cymru.

‘Rydym yn gobeithio y bydd pawb yng Nghaerdydd yn manteisio ar y digwyddiadau sydd wedi cael eu trefnu,’ meddai arweinydd Cyngor Caerdydd, Rodney Berman.

Cynhaliwyd sawl digwyddiad ar y diwrnod nodedig hwn, yn cynnwys teithiau amgylcheddol amgylch y Bae, cyngerdd yn Neuadd Dewi Sant a mynediad i’r castell, y cyfan yn rhad ac am ddim.

‘Mae hwn yn ddiwrnod hanesyddol,’ ychwanegodd Mr Berman, ‘ac rydym am sicrhau fod y trigolion sydd wedi cyfrannu at lwyddiant y ddinas yn cael cyfle arall i ddathlu.’

Yn ogystal â’r llu o ddigwyddiadau cyhoeddwyd cerdyn post newydd i gyd-fynd â’r dathlu, dosbarthwyd blodau at bob plentyn a aned yng Nghaerdydd ar y diwrnod hwnnw, ac roedd arwyddion ffyrdd electronig y ddinas yn arddangos cyfarchion pen blwydd iddi trwy gydol yr 28ain.

Yn goron ar y cyfan oedd seremoni lle y torrwyd y gacen pen blwydd fawr gan Arglwydd Faeres Caerdydd, Freda Salway, trwy ddefnyddio cleddyf seremonïol.

Ond nid yw’r dathliadau wedi dod i ben eto. Mae eleni hefyd yn nodi 50 mlynedd ers i Gaerdydd gael ei gwneud yn brifddinas Cymru, sef y brifddinas ieuengaf yn Ewrop, gyda rhagor o ddigwyddiadau ar y gweill erbyn diwedd y flwyddyn.

Darnau, gan Dylan Iorwerth (Enillydd y Fedal Ryddiaith).

I Fyd Sy Well, gan Siân Eirian Rees Davies (Enillydd Gwobr Goffa Daniel Owen)

Er nad oes yr un llyfr gwirioneddol sâl erioed wedi ennill y dydd yn y Genedlaethol, mae pwyso a

mesur y ddwy gyfrol yn aml yn brofiad siomedig, gyda’r diffyg proses olygyddol yn glir yn y gwaith. Dro arall, mae’r gweithiau’n berlau sy’n llawn haeddu eu statws fel llyfrau pwysicaf y flwyddyn. Sut hwyl gafodd yr awduron buddugol eleni?

O’r ddau lyfr a ddaeth i’r brig, Darnau gan Dylan Iorwerth yw’r un sy’n argyhoeddi fwyaf.

Fel y mae’r teitl yn awgrymu, casgliad o ddarnau byr o lenyddiaeth sydd yma, gyda phob un yn cynnig golwg ar agwedd o fywyd ar ddechrau’r 21g.

Mae’r darnau mewn myrdd o wahanol ffurfiau, ac yn chwa o awyr iach mewn oes pan mae’r stori fer a’r ymson yn gyfryngau rhy gyfarwydd o’r hanner, gweld ffurfiau mor wreiddiol a chofnodion cyfarfod ac adroddiad swyddogol yn cael eu gwneud yn llenyddiaeth.

Mae yma ddychan crefftus, cynnil, ac mae’r gwaith fel cyfanwaith yn asio’n gelfydd dros ben. Os oes gan y gyfrol wendid, y tueddiad i

geisio cynnwys tro yng nghynffon pob stori ydy hwnnw, lle nad yw hynny’n gwbl angenrheidiol bob tro – ond yn ddi-os, mae’r gyfrol yn gampwaith gan lenor sy’n adnabod ei gyfrwng i’r dim.

Mae’r ail gyfrol, I Fyd Sy Well gan Siân Eirian Rees Davies, yn nofel sy’n adrodd hanes yr ymfudwyr i Batagonia ar y Mimosa, a hefyd hanes Edwin Cynrig Roberts, un o sefydlwyr y Wladfa.

Honnai’r crynodeb ar gefn y llyfr ei bod yn nofel sy’n cyfuno hanes a dychymyg, ond nid yw hyn yn uniad cwbl ddedwydd bob amser.

Mae stori’r ymfudwyr ar y Mimosa yn un dda, sy’n cael ei hadrodd yn gelfydd, ond caiff yr argraff dda hon ei thanseilio i raddau helaeth gan wendidau yn y llinyn storïol arall, sy’n dilyn hynt sefydlu’r Wladfa.

Un o brif broblemau’r llinyn hwn yw y portread o Edwin Roberts. Roedd y gwr hwn yn un o’r bobl sefydlodd y Wladfa yn hanesyddol, ac mae portread Siân Eirian ohono wedi denu beirniadaeth hallt gan academyddion, sy’n teimlo bod y cyfuniad hwn o hanes a dychymyg yn gwneud cam â’r cymeriadau hanesyddol.

Yn y bôn, dyma fethiant y nofel hon – er ei bod yn stori ddigon gafaelgar, wedi ei hadrodd yn fedrus, mae rhai o’r cymeriadau a’r digwyddiadau yn rhy afreal i’r nofel argyhoeddi. Fodd bynnag, mae Siân Eirian yn awdures alluog, ac edrychaf ymlaen at ddarllen ei nofel nesaf.

O ran cyfrol Dylan Iorwerth, rwy’n annog unrhyw un sy’n mwynhau darllen Cymraeg i gael gafael ar gopi ohoni cyn gynted a bo modd – mae’r llyfr hwn yn sicr yn un o berlau’r Fedal Ryddiaith.

Bu’r ddau frawd o Lanberis yn aelodau o’r grwp poblogaidd Epitaff am saith mlynedd. Yn ôl Ynyr, symudodd y grwp ‘o underground i’r mainstream’ erbyn y diwedd, ac oherwydd hyn a newid yn sefyllfaoedd yr aelodau, penderfynodd y ddau fwrw ymlaen â menter newydd.

‘Ti’n goro gigio trwy’r flwyddyn. Mae’n ffordd o gael dilynwyr’ Doedd Epitaff erioed wedi chwarae mewn gig yng Nghaerdydd yn ystod y saith mlynedd. Ond mae Ynyr ac Eurig Roberts wrth eu bodd gyda’r ymateb maen nhw wedi ei dderbyn yn y brifddinas erbyn hyn, ac mae Brigyn wedi cael nifer o gyfleon i chwarae mewn pob math o achlysuron, ledled Cymru.

‘Ti’n goro‘ gigio trwy’r flwyddyn,’ meddai Ynyr, y brawd mawr ‘mae’n ffordd o gael dilynwyr’.

Bu’r ddau yn chwarae mewn nifer o wyliau dros yr haf, gan gynnwys Sesiwn Fawr Dolgellau, a’r mis diwethaf fe chwaraeon nhw set acwstig yng Nghlwb Ifor Bach. Yn ôl Eurig, ‘mae’r ddau mor bwysig â’i gilydd.’

Mae’r ddau yn amlwg wedi llwyd-

do i ennyn trawsdoriad eang o ddilynwyr, yr unig fand i gael cân ar raglen Dylan a Meinir, Jonsi a Huw Stephens! Felly cerddoriaeth at ddant pawb, a fis Hydref dechreuon nhw daith i hyrwyddo’r albwm newydd, ‘Brigyn 2’, a oedd allan ddiwedd y mis.

Yn ôl y brodyr, mae’r albwm yn debycach i’r hyn roedden nhw’n gwrando arno ar adeg ei recordio, sef pobl megis Björk a Lemon Jelly.

Cyfuniad sy’n amlwg wrth fodd y gynulleidfa, gan fod yr albwm wedi cyrraedd rhif 4 yn siart C2 yn barod.

‘Mae’n step ymlaen o’r ‘Brigyn’ cyntaf’, meddai Ynyr, yn adlewyrchu datblygiad y grwp dros y flwyddyn ddiwethaf, ac ers dyddiau Epitaff.

Ar hyn o bryd mae’r ddau ar eu ffordd i San Fransisco am bythefnos, yn ymateb i wahoddiad gan Gymdeithas Gymraeg y dalaith i wneud ambell gig. Ond bydd cyfle i’w gweld yn chwarae ar ôl iddyn nhw ddychwelyd i Gymru, ac mae’r albwm, ‘Brigyn 2’ allan nawr os na allwch aros tan hynny i’w clywed.

Health

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November 7 2005

VEGGING OUT health@gairrhydd.com health@gairrhydd.com

By Vanessa Roche Health Editor

VEG: Not for me

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his week we are looking at the more ‘ethical’ ways of eating – namely vegetarianism, veganism and fair trade/organic.

November 7 2005

Health investigates what is meant by fair trade food and why it is such a good idea to get get buying

By Charlie Hughes and Lydia James Health Correspondent

F

air trade food. Expensive, limited and inconvenient or quality, healthy produce with a heart?

The Fair Trade movement has decreased the Colombia drug trade.

FAIR TRADE ‘NANAS: Fruity and ethical

Chocolate

Health

November 7 2005

Page 17

health@gairrhydd.com

Veggie burger or sirloin steak?

Health’s resident experts battle it out in a bid to prove that their point of view is best. But who wins? You decide...

By Adrian Raudaschl

IN THE previous few decades we have witnessed a range of scares related to the dangers of eating animal products. Saturated fat, cholesterol and pesticides found in our meat have been blamed for a variety of medical conditons ranging from heart and kidney disease, cancer, obesity and osteoporosis.

There is no doubt that there are benefits to a vegetarian diet, and some peole do function better on less fat and protein, but there are however, dangerous effects of a diet devoid of healthier animal products. Vegetarians and vegans have often been shown

to suffer from a severe lack of vitamin B12 in their diets. Claims that B12 can be obtained purely from plant sources (including soy products) are unfounded, and those that do not supplement the vitamin will eventually develop anaemia as well as damaging their nervous and digestive systems.

The fact that vitamin B12 can only be found in its natural form in animal products is one of the strongest arguments against vegetarianism being a natural way of human eating. Today, vegans and vegetarians can avoid anaemia by taking supplemental vitamins and fortified foods such as cereals.

Omega 3 fatty acids are another form of nutrient found lacking in the average vegan or vegetarian diet. Their notion that the body itself can convert omega 6 fatty acids into omega 3 fatty acids is unfounded and impossible.

Both acids are essential for the health

mones to only die via an electric shock.

When you add to this the environmental problems caused by the meat industry, such as the deforestation in South America to provide land for the beef farming industry, cutting out the meat starts to sound like a good idea.

For the majority of people who decide to take the plunge and start a vegetarian diet, within a few months the health benefits also start to show.

Yes, the protein and fatty acids contained in meat are important to a healthy diet, but you can just as easily gain these nutrients from plants and vegetables in a well-balanced diet.

Vegetarians tend to eat a healthier and more varied diet than their carnivorous counterparts, due to eating less saturated fat, higher amounts of fibre, lower amounts of salt, more complex carbohydrates and more antioxidant vitamins which are found in fruit and vegetables. Because of this, vegetari-

ans are less likely to be obese.

It has also been proven that vegetarians suffer less from certain types of cancer, diabetes, heart disease and other serious illnesses. Granted, some veggies (such as students, who often don’t have the time, money or inclination to eat anything other than processed, carb-rich value meals) will experience deficiencies in some nutrients; but if you are going to eat that way anyway, you can expect to have health problems either now or in the future. The benefits of cutting out meat far outweigh having to pop a decent multivitamin and take a flax seed oil supplement everyday to ensure you are getting enough omega fatty acids (and yes, there are varieties on the market that supply omega –3, -6 and –9 fatty acids).

By cutting out meat, you also reduce your risk of catching foodborne diseases. Now more than ever,

holic drinks are made using animal products as part of their filtration process.

Many oral medicines, such as the contraceptive pill, are sometimes made using lactose and animal-based stearates and the majority of medicines are also tested on animals. Even condoms (apart from a few brands) contain casein, a milk derivative. As such, adopting a vegan lifestyle is one that can be extremely difficult, although the benefits are worth the extra effort.

Vegans who take the time to prepare a balanced diet can expect to drastically cut their cholesterol levels and lower their risk of developing heart disease, as well as other illnesses such as diabetes.

So what health tips are there for students who want to eat the vegan way?

Health Correspondent

“

By Laura Murphy

Deputy Health Editor

“

A MEAT-FREE diet is one of the fastest growing dietary trends in the UK, with four million people (and counting) considering themselves a ‘veggie’. For many, the reason for giving up meat (and in some cases, dairy and/or eggs) is down to the fact that they object to animals being slaughtered for the purpose of their Sunday lunch.

The average person will eat 15 animals per-year; animals which in most part (unless you can afford to pay for free-range, organically produced meat every time you eat) will be produced using barbaric and inhumane methods of rearing and slaughter. This isn’t ‘natural’ or ‘the way its always been’stone-age man may have eaten meat to survive, but he didn’t keep animals in cramped pens, pumped full of hor-

By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor and Anna White Health Correspondent

V

eganism is becoming more and more popular in the UK, following the boom in popularity of healthy eating.

Vegans aim to cut all animal derivatives out of their diets; many also refuse to use products that contain animal derivatives, animal by-products or ingredients that have been tested on animals. In practice, this can be difficult to do, as many products that we use on a day-to-day basis are therefore ‘non-vegan’. Some varieties of alco-

! Use low-fat vegan substitutes for dairy products. Soya milk is just as versatile as normal dairy milk, and drinking 2 cups of fortified soya milk per day is equivalent to one cup of dairy milk. Similarly, there are many vegan spreads on the market; vegan cheese is available by mail which you can order from www.veggiestuff.com ! Eat vegetables in as many colours as possible. Strongly coloured fruit and vegetables tend to have a high-

of the brain and the immune system, and chronically low rates are associated with higher rates of cancer.

Although very small amounts of Omega 3 acids can be obtained from whole grains and dark leafy vegetables, such as spinach, it is primarily found in animal products and meat (especially in fish and eggs).

Surprising as it might seem, studies have also shown that the annual allcause death rate of vegetarians to be higher than that of meat-eaters 0.04% in the case of men and 32% in the case of women. A good example of this is seen in the native Aboriginal tribes of Australia; where the traditional diet is rich in animal products and are renowned for their longevity.

In contrast, the largely vegetarian population of southern India boasts the shortest average lifespan in the world.

Then we have to consider the mighty soy bean industry. This huge

industry has sprung up with claims that their products are just as good, if not better, than meat and dairy.

Traditionally fermented soy products are definitely healthy, but the hyperprocessed foods that tend to be found in these new ‘wonder-soy’ products are not. They contain high levels of the anti-nutrient phytic acid, which binds to minerals and carries them out of the body. This contributes to iron and zinc deficiencies. Furthermore, because of the wide-spread rhetoric that a vegetarian diet is ‘healthier’, veggies often see no reason to change their diet, even if it is causing them physical problems. When it comes to nutrition, it’s best to stick to the tried and true, rather than the untested and new.

Humanity has been consuming animal products and all the saturated fats associated with them for thousands of years, so why stop now?

”

food-related illness hits the headlines time and time again, whether it’s Ecoli in the South Wales Valleys, or bird-flu in Thailand. In reality, chances of catching anything from meat, let alone these two examples, are small. Your chances however, of contracting a food-borne disease from a meat-free diet are practically zero.

Humanity may have been consuming meat as part of its regular diet for time immemorial, but the society we live in today is one of free choice, and as such, its our right to choose what we will and won’t eat.

” er vitamin content. ! Try to stay clear of processed carbs. Instead, fill up on whole grains and make sure you get enough protein, zinc and vitamin B12 from legumes (beans), nuts and seeds. ! Buy a good vitamin and mineral supplement to make sure you are getting adequate amounts of important nutrients. Similarly, it makes sense to buy a source of omega fatty acids, for example flax-seed oil.

Page 18

November 7 2005 competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Star Quality CALLING ALL Starsailor fans! You’ll be chuffed to know (if you don’t already) that the boys are back this Autumn, performing live in our very own Students’ Union.

It’s been two years since Starsailor last graced our stage, and my have they been busy. Not only have they recorded their huge-

ly anticipated third album, On The Outside, they’ve only gone and released it, along with the dates of their biggest UK tour in years.

The band are coming to Cardif on Sunday 13 November, so now is the time to purchase your tickets for £16.50 advance at the box office or www.cardiffstudents.com.

Or, if you think you deserve a bit of special treatment this weekend, why not get your hands on the pair of guest list tickets that I’m giving away?

Simply email me this week at competitions@gairrhydd.com and you could be watching Starsailor with all the respectable peeps.

IF YOU haven’t ventured as far as St. Mary’s Street yet this year, it’s time you got in the know and paid a visit to the Hard Rock Café.

A l t h o u g h Rocktober, (four weeks of live music) is over, November is just beginning – a great time to make the most of the events running at the Hard Rock.

While Tuesdays nights are for Purple Haze – the new rock gathering for students - Tuesday afternoons are all about the Rock and Reel movie and meal deal.

Talking of food, this is what the Hard Rock Café is world-renowned for (apart from rock, of course). In fact, the two go hand in hand at this venue, where bands such as Feeder and the Stereophonics have hung their guitars amongst Ozzy Osbourne’s black velvet jack-

et and Britney’s school uniform blouse.

Located in the centre of Cardiff in the newly d e v e l o p e d B r e w e r y Quarter, the Hard Rock Café is a u n i q u e choice for a big bite to eat.

From the fabulous t h i r s t quenching cocktails on offer at the bar and killer menu in the restaurant through to the incredible Rock Memorabilia glittering all over the walls, the Hard Rock Café is an experience worth saving your rock rags for.

KIELTIC COMEDY GENIUS

O

k, so you saw a bit of Celebrity Love Island over the summer, and you’ve caught the end of Fame Academy (once or twice).

You’ll recognise this guy as Patrick Kielty then - the blonde Irish one who gets paid to flirt with the likes of Cat Deeley and Kelly Brook.

But what I bet you didn’t know is that Patrick isn’t any old presenter who forged a career out of a reality TV show.

In fact, he’s a comedian in his own right, who jump-started his TV career through performing live stand-up shows in Belfast.

It’s not just the fact he could be mistaken for Ronan Keating that has made Patrick Kielty famous. It was his easy-going charm, quick-fire humour and politically charged comedy material that first established him as one of Ireland’s hottest talents before he was snapped up for a successful career in television.

of a meal at the Cardiff restaurant. To win the scrummy threecourse meal for two that I’m giving away, simply send the answer to the question in the box below to the competitions address.

See www.hardrock.com for a full menu and listings.

So, it seems there’s more to Patrick Kielty than the odd witty one-liners he pulls out on live TV. Returning to his pure comedy roots, Patrick is performing his first ever live standup tour around the British Isles this Autumn. This really is Kielty at his best. You’d be silly to miss out.

Patrick makes his eighteenth stop at Cardiff’s St. David’s Hall this Thursday. Call the box office on 029 2087 8444 to book your tickets for £16.50 advance.

WIN A PAIR OF TICKETS IF YOU’D like to see Patrick Kielty live, email me at the competitions address above, with the answer to this question: What nationality is Patrick Kielty?

on my fair the drill by now: everything HELLO LOVELIES. You know it. win and me il ema e, r ars page is FREE if you get off you edy tickets to com and ets tick gig , food This week I have free CH, who me. Well done to LAURA LYN give away. I never disappoint, this Dot to n ptio year’s subscri grabbed a Samsung mobile and to Spice Quarter for a scrummy off who , SON MA S RHY week, and RUTH also to GREG COCHRANE and three-course meal. Congrats and ight nwr Wai rtha Ma for ets THOMAS, who won guest tick Rooster respectively. x x x

Dream come truuw...

If you’d like to sample the fun at the Hard Rock this month, get yourselves started on a monster

WIN A MEAL FOR TWO IF YOU fancy sampling the Hard Rock’s legendary allAmerican menu, why not enter my amazing competition?

In exchange for the answer to the question below, I’m giving one very hungry reader a three-course-meal for two: What kind of memorabilia can you find at the Hard Rock?

ALRIGHT, SO watching Dizzee Rascal live at the Union might not be your ultimate dream come true, but it wouldn’t be half bad, would it?

The bad-ass MC from East London - whose hit tunes include Fix Up, Look Sharp and Dreams - is set to take the stage in Solus on November 10.

The naughty rascal (real name Dylan Mills) was given his stage name by his school teachers who - despite excluding him from every class except music - encouraged him to make the big time as a serious artist.

If you’d like to win a pair of guest list tickets for Dizzee’s show, simply email me at the usual address, competitions@gairrhydd.com

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Problem Page

November 7 2005

Page 19

Amber Duval problempage@gairrhydd.com

DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: dogging, drudgery, dreams and death slags.

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners!

Well, what a lot of juicy things I’ve been sent this week. I am so glad that someone has finally raised the issue of dogging. It is a very important part of any sexual being’s life, or at least it should be. I have been researching all about it for you, and through a close connection of celebrity doggers, I have found out the most popular site in Cardiff. I hope to see you there! I’m the one with the flowing mane and large mole on my lip (lucky that didn’t come out in my picture, eh? It’s very hairy and it is a supreme turn-on for many men). As always, if you need help then do email: problempage@gairrhydd.com.

Lots of love, Amber, here for YOU. Xxx

Death Slags!

Dear Amber,

HELP! I am a 19-year-old psychology student and I think I am about to have a break down, because my parents just don't seem to care about me. I am from a solid middle-class family in a beautiful part of Kent, so in brief, the sort of student you would expect to study at Oxbridge rather than at Cardiff.

So when Oxford turned me down (the cheek! I don’t know what went wrong, because I sooo belong there, and I told them that in my interview), I just told my parents that I had turned Oxford down, and that I really wanted to go to Cardiff, a real city with real people, not just middle-class toffs like my parents and their insufferable friends. But instead of trying to dissuade me, they said that some life experience would do me good! Huh? The cheek, the insensivity of it!

So, through no fault of my own, I

Ready, Steady, Cock!

Dear Amber, I AM A NORMAL girl, you know; size twelve, okay-looking, like a Malibu and Coke. My parents are normal, you know; work in banks, and my siblings are happy and normal. My degree is in English Language and I’m okay at, middling between a 2:2 and a 2:1. I don’t fancy my lecturers and had a boyfriend for about seven months last year, but have been happily single for a while now. I live with two other girls and we all get on well and go out a couple of nights a week.

I am fairly adventurous when I have sex but draw the line at anal. I have dressed up for men before but only as a maid. I like to watch TV, go to the cinema and have a few drinks.

I’ve decided that I’d like to try and work with mentally-ill children in the future.

Anyway, I just thought I’d give you some sort of background. There’s nothing odd about my life, I don’t think. So it struck me as rather unfortunate when I started to get a bit of a crush on Ainsley Harriott. It started off because I watched Ready Steady Cook every day and slowly the adoration began to escalate. It was OK to begin with. I had a crush on Peter Andre when I was younger so I know how to deal with these things.

However, things quickly started to get out of control when I couldn’t do my essays for thinking about dear Ainsley, and he even appeared to me

in dreams. The dreams got steadily more saucy until I had one when he slipped his big brown rolling-pin into my bum. I woke up and I am sorry to say orgasmed on the spot.

Since then he is all I can think about and it’s got so bad I can’t watch RSC anymore, nor can my friends mention his name in front of me in case I start to come. Even worse, one of my friends had an Ainsleyendorsed cork-screw and she had to hide it from me in case I used it for ‘other purposes’. What can I do?

Yours, Saffron Pickles, Cathays.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Saffron, Ooh, you’re giving me ideas. I hope that this advice helps you.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

PINCER MOVEMENT

have ended up studying in Cardiff (to the horror of my friends back home), but I have done my best to get used to it. I finally realised my parents truly didn’t care about me though when I returned home for a visit last weekend. It was an hour before they noticed that my former blonde bob hair cut had been transformed into waist length pink and blue dreadlocks, and all my Mum said about it was 'Well how very practical dear, must save time on washing and combing it' ...the bitch! I told them about my

Literar y Criticism!

Dear Amber, I NOTICED THAT all the other people in gair rhydd have photos in their masthead. Where’s yours?

I’m pretty sure that the one you have is a cartoon. I don’t like it. It looks a bit precious. I’m sure you look like a right goer so I wouldn’t mind a picture of you up there.

Anyway. That wasn’t why I was writing. I’m actually after a bit of career advice. I’m in my third year, studying in English Literature. I don’t have any pacific (sic) specials (sic) and I’m not really interested in much.

Dogged by Rumour!

Dear Amber, I AM NOT REALLY a ‘perv’ or anything, my sex-life has always been average but I have always enjoyed myself. I like doggy-style and I like leaving the lights on, but as for anything else I’m not really bothered – coming is coming, right?

I don’t have a girlfriend at the moment so I have mostly been dating Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters, but I don’t mind as it’s quick and to the point. And it leaves me in a good mood all day. So it’s fine, and it doesn’t bother me at all. In a lot of ways I’m glad to be single as my last girlfriend had chronic halitosis, and she had a tendency to wear horrid dunga-

boyfriend too, twenty-four year old Seth from Pontypridd. He never went to university because he says he as already graduated from the university of life (he is so right), and he can make more money as a drummer with his band (the Death Slag Bitches) he is just so cool, my parents would hate him. But again, dad just said to invite him over for tea!

So you see my parents just don't care for me, even though they know I am going through an emotionally trying time, they just won't reach out and

stop my downward spiral. I am thinking of getting my lip pierced and a tattoo on my arm....what do you think?

Yours, Crimson (formerly known as Freya Twit-Hughes), Talybont.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Crimson, I can see your problem and everything, but I can’t be arsed to help.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

I did like the pre-Raphaelite module but that was mostly ‘cos I thought my lecturer was cute. Anyway, there isn’t really much that’s held my atishoo (sic) for long, and I’m pretty bored of my degree sauce (sic) now. I don’t like poetry and the last book I read was a Tom Clancy novel.

So I was wondering the other night, as I lay in bed, alone, as per usual, what happened to all the Eng. Lit. graduates after the third year. I mean, in the first year there were hundreds of us, and even my seminars now are pretty full. So I thought they can’t all stay in Cardiff or whatever, so they must get jobs. But then I thought, well what jobs can they get? I mean, an Eng. Lit. degree isn’t rotational (sic).

So what do people do afterwards?

I’m really stuck for something to

do. I have a big student loan to pay off as I spent it all on awful clothes and getting girls drunk so I could have some sex. I don’t want to move back home as my parents are liberals and I’m a Tory. What do you think lies in store for me, Amber? Please help, there’s only six or seven months to go until I finish.

Love, Charlie Penn-Paige, Roath.

rees in pale yellow (you know who you are).

However, I was thinking the other day about Steve McFadden, and how I’d really like to go dogging with him.

I really don’t know where this came from, Amber, and I know that the rumours circulating in the red-tops about Mr ‘McFaddy’ being a dogger are completely unsubstantiated and unproven, but still, he’s become a big part of my fantasy.

It started when he came back to Eastenders. Me and my housemates tend to watch it when we’re having our tea, though we don’t particularly like it. I don’t know if it’s just bec ause I’ve been seeing him on TV so much. But since Phil has come back I have felt somewhat drawn to this erotic idea of watching him poke his todger into some tart on the backseat. I really don’t know how this happened, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while

now and my fantasy is starting to flourish into me swallowing up Stevey’s sloppy seconds having just watched him give her one over the gearstick, and then Stevey can’t stand watching anymore and joins in, throwing his belly over the steering-wheel...

I don’t know if this is weird or completely normal. Like I said, I’m not a perv.

What do you think, Amber?

Lots of love, Phil McCavity, Robert Street.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Charlie, I heard that a lot of English Literature graduates go on to work for the Union, the University or the gair rhydd. They are all losers. I hope this helps.

Love from Amber xxx

AMBER SAYS: Dear Phil, I can see why this idea is so striking. I can’t help in getting Steve to join in, but the best place for dogging in Cardiff is Heath Park. I really hope that this helps.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

Media’s guide to who’s who at Xpress I actually did work experience with the BBC last year.

I would really like to be a meteorologist when I leave university.

‘Syd and Ben in the Afternoon’. Syd (not his real name) is a returning first year, who decided last year his course wasn’t for him and left Cardiff in February. It wasn’t a wasted year however as he gained valuable experience in the local radio. He is now studying computer science.

(SYD): I am from Southampton and Ben is from a small village near Romsey, we have been friends for years.

What made you interested in joining the student radio? I have always wanted to do it, since being a kid, there have also been comparisons made between my favourite DJ, Chris Moyles, and me.

I would like to think that we have a lot in common as DJs. In my year-out I worked as a producer for Red Dragon and I also DJ at the Union and the Philharmonic when I can.

Ben is a first-year and during his year out went to Africa for a month, Australia for three months and Bali for two weeks. At present he is studying Ecology.

Being near each other.

Just really good fun, we are good mates so there will be a lot of banter. We are hoping to have some really good quality competitions as well.

Syd and Ben did a successful show together last year, so are well practised and will be highly entertaining, tune in Wednesdays at 4pm.

Holly Green is a third-year maths student, she is head of news at Xpress Radio and also mainstream DJ. The news team presents ‘The Pulse’ which is on every hour on the hour.

Monday to Friday it’s from 10am-6pm with bulletins covering news, weather and sport. There is also Pulse Xtra on Sunday at 11.30 which a programme covering a range of topics.

Presenter’s Nev and Chloe and Producer Paul make up the sharply named "The Nev and Chlo, Radio Show." Nev and Chloe are both Journalism students and Paul is doing Environmental Engineering.

Chloe: I am from Frampton-on-Severn, Paul: I come from Axminster in Devon,.

Nev- Camberley, Surrey.

C: We are aiming for it to be light entertainment for those winding down for the weekend. It will be an amusing show and are planning to do some pranks, so listen for a laugh. We are hoping to have a section of the show dedicated to interviews also.

N: I have aspirations to become a TV presenter so I thought this would be a good place to start.

C: I initially joined the radio because Nev wanted a friend to go with, but I really feel now that I will enjoy it.

P: I am really interested in the music side of radio and was a roadie for the Ordinary Boys when they were here.

We haven’t decided on a name yet but have thought of the catchy slogan "It’s not greener on the other side." Our show, daily from 10-11.30am we like to think is the ‘real’ breakfast show, as ten o’clock onwards is the real morning for students.

I would say it is going to be quite girly with an update of the celebrity gossip.

There will actually be a feature called ‘Holly vs Celebrity’, you will have to listen to find our exactly what it is but let’s just say it involves verse…

FAQ: XPRESS why isn’t Xpress radio on FM all

year round?

The regulatory body Ofcom will only give a Restricted Service Licence (RSL) which allows us two broadcasts a year.

Is that usual with student radio?

Actually, Xpress Radio is lucky to be able to get an RSL at all. Lots of student radio stations broadcast on long wave or just on the internet.

So I can only listen for a couple of weeks a year?

No! You can listen on FM until Friday November 18 but we’re online at www.xpressradio.co.uk every single day of the year and also broadcast throughout the union.

Where are you!?

The fourth floor of the union Is it too late to get involved?

Nope, there’s still loads of opportunities to join the various Xpress radio teams. Just come up to the station and talk to someone.

What do you do when you’re not broadcasting?

Loads! We host acoustic nights every other Tuesday plus other events such as our Children in Need night on November 18 and the launch night in the Union last Friday. A lot of the time we’re planning the next broadcast and making sure everyone knows as much as possible about Xpress radio.

What’s the frequency again?

87.9FM from now until Friday November 18!

Success on Xpress: Media looks at two promising members and their work at the station

It is the tenth annual year for the awards and the event has now become a major showcase for radio industry talent spotters.

The awards, which are supported by the BBC, are taking place in the New Connaught Rooms in Covent Garden on the November 24. Last year Jenna presented a show twice weekly called ‘The Bounce’ and she attributes her success mainly to the assortment of features her show contained. These included ‘Underrated’, a feature in which new bands played live on her show as well as a comical ‘Fact of the Day’ section. She also emphasised that getting on well with her production team was important in making the show successful. When asked how she felt about her nomination Jenna said she is ‘so surprised’ and ‘totally shocked,’ and she thinks that the whole thing, to use her well-known catchphrase, is ‘very exciting.’ She thinks that people should listen to Xpress because there is good music whatever your taste and you will probably know someone that you are listening to.

It’s All About Huw Huw Thomas of Cardiff arrives for his interview with me hot off the press.

He has spent the morning writing, editing and producing the news for three major radio stations in Swansea.

Every weekend he wakes up at 4am

enough recognition. And free stuff!!

True, all members are unpaid, full time Cardiff University students who are doing Xpress for the love of broadcasting alongside their degree.

There is one member however, who is not only participating, but running the station alongside her degree - Jen Long. The third-year Journalism student has been heavily involved with Xpress Radio since starting at Cardiff in 2003.

Earlier this week Media caught up with Jen to ask her what it’s like to be Station Manager.

and travels to Gowerton in Swansea where he gathers the news stories of the day and prioritises then for the corresponding target audiences. He also works for Red Dragon radio on occasion and will be joining ‘The Pulse’ at Xpress this year.

Huw has aspirations to become a political journalist and is interested in the role of Welsh politics and it’s absence of media outlets. He tells me his position as press spokesman for Amnesty International in Wales cemented this ambition. Interestingly, this was not always his intended path, he actually left school at 18 and came to Cardiff University to study medicine. The course, however, was not how he expected and he left after two years to travel around Australia. He is now studying English literature here at Cardiff.

Tune in, turn up, log on

Currently the site: www.xpressradio.co.uk shows information on teams, shows, broadcast schedules and news bulletins.

Jen’s in it for the Long run

In addition to this, this years facelift sees an addition of a photo gallery, ‘the X file’ showcasing celebrities in the famous Xpress armcross pose.

Manager Jen Long told gair rhydd : "We just want to make the site easier for the listeners to use." She added: "The new site shows a lot more of what we as a station do, rather than acting as a members-only area".

The website has some innovative features, such as streams of recordings from previous shows and interviews.

You can also ‘quick msg’ the studio this year, so when you’re tight on phone credit you can still contact your favourite DJs. Xpress Radio broadcasts all day, everyday on the internet. They are amongst other student stations; Leeds, Swansea, York and Bath who all successfully broadcast via the web.

Webcasting is useful for an RSL stationas it allows students to learn a variety of skills for when it comes to the full FM broadcast.

Huw got his foot in the door to the world of media a few years ago. He wrote to every TV and Radio Station in South Wales offering his experience as a Welsh spokesperson as that X-factor to make him stand out. As a result he has an extensive knowledge of the news and, although he jokingly disputes ‘working with a bunch of amateurs’, he will bring a lot to Xpress radio. In the future he endeavours to refresh the current journalistic style, like one of his inspirations Peter Jennings, and I have a suspicion that one day Huw Edwards will not be the only Welsh Huw to occupy a spotlight in the Media.

Jenna Stevens is on Xpress Radio at weekends from 9am-11am. Helping her out will be producer Will, together easing you in and out of the weekend.

I joined the music team in my first year and did everything I could get my hands on which included reviewing BOXES of singles and interviewing unknown such as a band who I called Casa Bien for half an interview before they corrected me (Kasabian!) By the end of the year a lot of people had dropped out and the oppourtunity for Head of Speech came and I took it!

Someone suggested it in passing last November and the idea stuck in my head all year, getting bigger. I started thinking of how we could make the station better and then I just really wanted to do it.

Having editorial control. Getting a little bit of freedom to put on different nights around the Union. I get to promote music I feel doesn't get

It's a lot of hours and a lot of stress, especially around broadcast time (luckily I have do a Mickey Mouse degree) The worst part is that, although Ifeel I'm doing a real job sometimes it's difficult to get people to take that seriously.

Save some money, whore myself to anyone willing to give me work experience and then hopefully some kind of postgrad’.

Any long term career plans?

Not really - I'll just wait and see what happens!

What do you want to achieve with Xpress Radio this year?

I really want to get Xpress running smoothly with a constant presence around the Union and Cardiff proper!

I'd like new students to come to Cardiff Uni excited about Xpress and students who are already here to consider it essential listening.

Jobs & Money

Page 22

November 7 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

RECLAIM THE CASH The easiest way for students to waste their money is by paying too much tax on their hard-earned cash. Claiming it back could save you more than you think.

By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor

F

orget what the advert says, tax taxing. At least it seems that way when it comes to the confusing and tedious process of form-filling, in an attempt to reclaim back that hard-earned cash.

That is, if apathy doesn’t get the better of us. The complex terms and rules of the tax system can seem an effort to de-code, often resulting in the question: is it really worth it?

The answer is yes! Studies have shown that paying too much tax is one of the easiest ways students can end up wasting their money. explain the ways in which tax affects students and offer some guidance on the rules.

Tax and income STUDENT OR NOT, everyone has the right to a tax-fee ‘personal allowance.’ This means that in the 2005/2006 tax year you can earn £4,895 without having to pay tax.

After this amount you are taxed in stages: You pay 10% of your wages to the taxman if you earn between £4,896 and £6,985; 22% between £6,986 and £37,295; and 40% on earnings over

Claim your tax-back and “you’ll be laughing” £37,296 If you are a full-time student it is unlikely you will exceed your tax-free allowance, and will therefore be entitled to a refund of the tax that is often automatically taken from your wages.

If you are only planning to work during the holidays and do not expect to earn over £4, 895, however, you may be entitled to receive tax-free wages straight-up without having to go to the hassle of claiming it back.

Some people doing this may, how-

ever, still have to fill in a for m at the end of the year to make sure they haven’t over-stepped the tax-free threshold.

If you are just planning to work in the holidays you will need to ask your employer for a P38 form, instead of the P46 form, which is needed for the PAYE (pay as you earn) scheme.

Work carried out outside of the holiday period, i.e evening or part-time work during term time is subject to the PAYE system in which tax will auto-

matically be deducted from your wages.

If is your first job of this sort you will be required to fill in a p46 form, which will notify the taxman that you have begun working and enable you to be given a tax code.

Tax codes explain what your allowances for the year are; L is the basic allowance, for example, and the point at which you start paying tax.

You may also be sent a P91 form to complete from the Inland Revenue to ensure you are paying the right amount of tax.

If you have, in fact, worked before or claimed jobseekers’ allowance you should have a P45 form from your last job or from when you stopped claiming. This must be handed to your new employer to ensure you pay the right amount of tax.

If you know you have paid too much tax on your earnings you should get in contact with the Inland Revenue to receive a claim form.

Their enquiry line is 0845 307 5555.

National Insurance.

WHEREAS TAX is how the government raises money to spend on public services, such as education, health and the social security system, National Insurance contributions are used to fund parts of the welfare state, including pensions and the NHS. Most students will probably not pay National Insurance contributions because their earnings will be too low.

However, everyone who earns over the

primary threshold of £94 per week must pay class 1 (earnings-related) contributions, and the rate of contribution depends on total earnings.

And it is not just earnings that can be taxed: if you receive dividends from shares in a company, jobseekers’ allowance or interest from National Savings accounts these are all taxable.

Things that are not taxable are: ! Student loans and grants ! Contributions from parents ! most scholarships ! most research awards ! housing benefit ! most gifts and loans from relatives ! Income from ISAs (Individual Savings Accounts) ! Prizes won by students for academic excellence.

MONEY-SAVING TIP OF THE WEEK DESPERATELY seeking alternative advice for your spending addiction?

Gillian Roberts explores some logical solutions...

“Convert your cash into hundreads of pennies thus making it too hard to carry around large sums of money”

GRADUATE CAREERS FAIR In your final year or graduated and need some valuable careers advice?

GO WALES careers fair is not to be missed.

S

ecuring that first job after graduation can seem an ambitious and daunting task, and many graduates tend to simply ‘fall into’ their first job without thinking seriously about the direction they would like their career to take.

Careers fares are a good way to make graduates more aware of the careers options open to them and to give them a better idea of what employers expect.

Recruitment exhibitions such as GO WALES are a great place to meet possible future employers face to face and find out exactly what they are looking for in their employees.

The GO WALES event is endorsed and supported by the eleven higher education institutions in Wales, mak-

ing this the only National Graduate Fair for Wales.

With over fifty exhibitors actively seeking graduates, offering training and valuable advice as well as free clinics, seminars and the chance to win a laptop it’s an event all graduates and university students shouldn’t miss out on.

GO WALES will take place on the 10the and 11the November at Cardiff International Arena.

The event is open on Thursday 10.30am until 4pm and again from 5pm until 7pm. On Friday the event is open from 10.30am until 3pm.

To get the latest news, information and to prepare your visit log on to the website at: www.gowalesevent.co.uk

‘Scopes & Jobs

November 7 2005

Page 23

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Helping the needy with Crystal Pants

T

he organ is grinding and the monkeys are dancing, but this week to a somewhat happier tune. So get down with your bad self my little apes and revel in the cosmos' favour!

ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Love: You have given up on love this week, and rightly so, it is rubbish.

The next logical step is to give up on friendship and human interaction in general.

LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23

Swydd/Job:

Part-Time Sales Assistants

Swydd/Job:

Weekend Showroom Advisor

Ardal/Area:

Central Cardiff

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£5.05

Tal/Wage:

£6 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

3.30pm - 7.30pm Mon-Wed

Oriau/Hours:

Saturdays/Sundays

Parhad/Duration: Required ASAP

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing

Manylion/Details: Required for stock level replen

Manylion/Details: Weekend Showroom Advisor

ishment, serving customers,

needed for a kitchen & bedroom

cash-handling and tidying store

retailer. Experience in a retail or

for next day's trading.

customer-facing environment essential.

Love: This week you will dump Allah and fall in love with Jesus, and sing about it.

TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21

Love: You will continue your pursuit of the tooth fairy, why did she always leave her underwear under your pillow if she didn't want to fuck you?

SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22

Love: When the oxygen runs out people will be desperately seeking that one last sexual encounter and you will be utterly selfless and provide the sex.

GEMINI - May 22 - Jun 22

Love: Matching suits, guns, learning to dance, money and brotherly love will ensue in side splitting fashion.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

050

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

051

WANT TO EARN SOME EXTRA MONEY? We have lots of bar & waiting work available during the forthcoming Rugby International weekends (11, 19 and 26 November).

CONTACT UNISTAFF JOBSHOP ON 029 20781535 OR COME INTO THE JOBSHOP (GROUND FLOOR STUDENTS UNION).

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Love: Someone will mistake you for a virgin and be a patronising wench with nice hair.

SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21

Car Owner Drivers Required

Love: You and your partner will go to 'Pine Dungeon' on Crwys Road to buy a ready made dungeon of pine, only to discover they don't actually sell pine-based torture equipment.

CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20

CANCER - June 23 - July 23

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff Love: Throughout the course of time love and death have gone hand in hand, but sadly this week you lost both your hands in an epic accident so lie alone in death, still and loveless.

AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

LEO - July 24 - Aug 23

Love: Cum in your pants is liable this week, be it your own or another's it is there to stay so try to crotchily embrace it.

PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Love: Pregnant is your word for the week.

VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23

Love: It changes everything, this week it will change both your gender and sexuality.

■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

November 7 - 13 2005

Page 25 television@gairrhydd.com

This Week’s gair rhydds amongst the other student publications Nov 7 - 13

TV Desk brings home the bacon

It’s Snow joke, we really are the Greatest TV Listings Page In Modern History

HOT

The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs by the Magnetic Fields might just be the finest album of melancholic gay indie lovesongs of all time, and at under twenty pounds for 69 songs, it’s a bargain too. I love Stephin Merritt to bits, I suspect you will too.

Soaps Eastenders is currently going spacko and trying to link up at least 55 diferent stories at once, and tying them all inexplicably in with the return of the Brothers Grim, Phil and Grant. Christ knows how Stacey’s got involved, or what Johnny Allen who’s only been in the show five minutes has got to do with murderess Chriss and her inevitable demise, or Sam Mitchell’s Bad Girls-esque prison spell. Well actally, they’re her borthers which is understandable.

The burning question is though: why in fuck’s name is Phil not in prison for armed robbery given he was arrested and sentenced to it less than two years ago? Is it that age old soap favourite, the “technicality” beloved of scriptwriters desperate to bring incarcerated stars back into the fray?

S

alutations! What jolly salutations we have for you this week too, dear readers. For TV Desk as you formally know it, is gone. Now we know that Channel 4 News presenter and cultural icon Jon Snow, has read TV Desk, and he likes it. After gair rhydd won the award for Best Paper at last night’s Guardian Student Media Awards, judged by Mr Snow, we thought we’d do a celebration of the best moments of TV Desk, as viewed by the prestigious journalist Here we go. In the April 25 issue, TV John called Alan Green from FiveLive a “an arrogant prick”, Minty from “Phil Mitchell’s fatfuck of a friend” and the Kaiser Chiefs “poncey English knobbers”.

Elsewhere, is described as “an unadulterated cyberdelic cuntfest”, Jamiroquai, “exclusively gash” and the phrase “one word, porn lovers - bukkake!” is used to healthy effect. Brilliant.

In the February 7 edition, TV Manners goes on about My Chemical Romance far too much, as he does in the April 25 one, weirdly enough.

Elsewhere, Peter Crouch is defined as “a professional streak of piss”, Calista Flockheart is described as “as fat as five pigs” and there are no less than two pictures of a clitoris. Oh, and George Bush is called a cunt, but doesn’t really make that edition unique.

The issue of June 6, includes Robbie Savage

Fudge Tunnel 7(ish)

NOT

Soul Mates Listen, just because you happen to be living with someone who also likes urinating into a shoe and listening to Kasabian, it doesn’t mean you’re soulmates, it just means you’re unlucky enough to have met another fucker like you. So don’t put their picture in a frame, or anything. Ok?

being called “a girlie haired tosser” and Anthony from Big Brother 6 being named “Little Lord Cuntleroy”, on the front cover no less. Elsewhere, and this was a broadsheet edition no less, saw TV Manners and TV Gareth running riot with filthy jokes and inane indie banter. Oh yeah, and TV Manners called the recently-deceased Pope a cunt in a winning issue as well. God bless John Snow - he think’s we’re ace!

Back to this week though, and back in the real world, there’s very little in the way of TV treats this week.

Keep watching (11.20pm Sunday, BBC2) as it’s a really witty sitcom

despite being give the ginger thumbs up by Ron “Richie Cuntingham” Howard. Erm, Don’t watch that show on ITV1 because it’s unbelieveable piss-poor, and I’m not being homophobic here, but that guy’s presenting style could wholeheartedly be improved if he wasn’t gay, and insisted on camping every single word up, like Grahan Norton in a saucy postcard store. TV Grace and I, however, have just got back into (BBC2, 6pm Weekdays) Yes it clashes with s, I know, but give it a try, with the aged fogies and knob-faced nerds on the eggheads sides, and hapless megageeks with dead end jobs and dead faced gawking expressions on the challengers, it’s a true fight to the death. xxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Red Dwarf series seven is released on Monday November 7. Make a note in your diary. Or don’t. because Red Dwarf seven is precisely the point at which Red Dwarf ceased being a moderately enjoyable nerd-tastic if slightly dated BrittasEmpire-In-Space Intergalactic jaunt, and started being a pissisfied wank-tank of inbred unhilairious tedious technotripe. Crimes include: reprising the role of Christine Kochanski with somebody other than Claire Grogan playing her, writing Rimmer out of the show (yeah, let’s write out the best character guys, and create a crumbmy love interest for Lister, that’ll keep ‘em hooked!”. The rest of the show was a tawdry re-tread of show-running gags (hahaha - Lister likes curry. Ho ho ho, Kryten can’t swear! ARF!) but essentially, the main problem with the last two series of Red Dwarf was the dissipation of Doug Naylor and Rob Grant’s writing team. Boo to them.

Film The Bourne Identity is on ITV1 this week, on Wednesday at 9pm, which is all well and good, if it wasn’t followed by Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo at 1.10am later the same night. This is because Vertigo is a work of a genius, and Matt Damon imperonating James Bond in a silly outfit, frankly, isn’t.

SPORT Wales vs New Zealand is on TV on Saturday Grandstand, starting at 3.30pm.To be honest I couldn’t give a shit about either team because I’m amazing, and amazing people basically don’t have any time for things like interntaional rugby in their day-to-day life. But enjoy the game anyway, you good-for-nothing fuck-faced anus tasters.

RADIO Just in case you haven’t turned on the radio in the last three weeks, but Radio 1 have a Gorillaz special on Lamacq Live this Monday at 9pm. After that, there’s a boring documentary about how mp3s are allegedly better than CDs which isn’t true fact-fans. Featured guests in the show include “innovators” of the mp3, Gorrillaz and the Arctic fucking Monkeys. I’m sorry, but I refuse to willingly accept either of those two cases as being evidence for why anything is a good idea. At any rate, mp3s are all well and good for downloading things for free onto your computer, but give me my 110 individually hand-crafted compilation tapes any way. Wank wank wank wank wankers.

Monday

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6:00 GMTV2 9:25 60 Minute Makeover 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Coronation Street 2:00 Emmerdale 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Dick and the Other Guy 7:30 Spin City Hello Charlie 8:00 Airline 8:30 Airline 9:00 Hell's Kitchen USA 10:45 Office Monkey 11:15 Coronation Street 11:45 Coronation Street 0:20 FILM: About a Boy 2:10 3rd Rock from the Sun Dick and the Other Guy 2:30 Spin City Hello Charlie 2:55 The Ricki Lake Show The fact that I have mostly spent the week listening to McFly’s cover of the god-awful the Killers’ Mr Brightside and various Fightstar songs which I have acquired. I feel like i’m lying to you reader. I am appearing jovial here, but I am not. I just want to be far, far away. Far away as in not here. Not pretending to be happy and not making stupid jokes. So there.

Boo.

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Son Of Dork 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Celebrity Threesome 1:00 Nothing But Destiny's Child 2:00 Scrubs: My Lips Are Sealed 2:30 Scrubs: My Big Move 3:00 Playing It Straight Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song 5:30 Friends: The One With Rachel's Other Sister 6:00 Scrubs: My Lips Are Sealed 6:30 Scrubs: My Big Move 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched8:00 Friends: The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song 8:30 Friends: The One With Rachel's Other Sister 9:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00 The 7 Stupidest Things To Escape From 11:00 50 Greatest Magic Tricks 1:20 Porn: A Fily Business: Las Vegass 2:00 Porn: A Fily Business: Seymore's Other Assets Please don’t expect much from me this week. Or any other week ever for that matter. Goodnight.

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Perhaps I shall have to save such info for the autobiography, which thanks to the last week’s events is now pretty much full and may mean that the chapter on my relationship with soft toys may have to be saved as a ‘bonus chapter’ for the paper back version. My girlfriend is coming to visit on Tuesday and I know that she is going to have to sleep in this bastarding House of Rat. 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 The Gadget Show 20.00 Fifth Gear 21.00 The Girl Whose Muscles are Turning to Bone: Extraordinary People 22.00 Sitcoms that Changed the World 23.05 Terry Gee: Living with HIV 24.05 Peter Benchley's Amazon 24.50 V8 Supercars 01.40 NFL Live Monday Night American Football 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

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4:55 Double Act5:20 Animated Tales Of The World 1: Ewenn Congar5:35 Extra 3: Auf Deutsch 6:00 Close

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19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 20.00 The World 20.30 African School 21.00 Animation Nation 22.00 Animation Nation Shorts 23.00 Inky Fingers: The NME Story 24.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 01.00 Animation Nation 02.00 Inky Fingers: The NME Story 03.00 African School The bumble-bee can probably not be linked to the whole rat problem, but that’s not the point. The point is I HAD A FUCKING BUMBLE BEE ON MY FACE!! If I was Macaulay Culkin in My Girl I could well have been dead.

Mmmm, dead. Dead sounds good. Subsequently I have been unable to even contemplate doing work as my every waking moment has involved phoning different people to either talk about rats, talk about removing rats, talk about not taking the blame for rats… just rats, rats and more fucking rats…and maggots. Perhaps the only thing keeping me sane (excluding things that give me kisses) is .........

The Sex Inspectors Living With HIV five 11.45pm C4 12.45am

6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Crash Course 3:30 Pocoyo Where's Pocoyo? 3:35 Engie Benjy Double Trouble 3:50 Art Attack Mini Makes 4:00 Tricky TV 4:30 You Say We Play: My Parents Are Aliens 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street for the past few weeks as I have documented the bastarding state of my house, but I’m sure not even the most avid of readers, the most devoted of fans would have believed my complaints to be quite so extreme. I have contemplated suicide, but then I thought who would take up my position of arch-nemesis of the world and mediocre British indie bands, and so I removed my head from the oven and inserted it back up my own arse 8:00 Dads' Army: Inside Fathers For Justice 8:30 Coronation Street 9:00 Trial and Retribution The Lovers 10:30 ITV News 11:00 The Food Show 11:30 The Guest List 0:00 Champions League Weekly 0:25 999 Frontline 0:50 The Jeremy Kyle Show Ex, Accept You're the Dad - DNA Results 1:50 60 Minute Makeover 2:40 Love 2 Shop 3:30 Redcoats 3:55 Entertainment Now! 4:25 Dads' Army: Inside Fathers For Justice 4:50 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News

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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Watch My Chops 7:25 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Really Wild Show 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Something Special 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 House Detectives 10:30 Primary Geography: Using the Land 10:40 Around Scotland 11:00 What? Where? When? Why? 11:15 Words and Pictures Plus 11:30 Words and Pictures Plus 11:45 Look and Read 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 The Maths Channel - Year 4 1:10 The Maths Channel - Year 4 1:20 The Maths Channel - Year 5 1:30 FILM: MacGyver: The Lost Treasure of Atlantis 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads For I have had to deal with living in what can only be described as ‘The House from Deepest, Darkest Hell’. That is why this week’s gair rhydd is a veritable TV Gareth special. Go look at the front page. Yes, that’s my house.

Further in… much of the same. Fans of TV Gareth will have been aware of my plight 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Jonathan Miller's Brief History of Disbelief 8:00 Dubai Dreams 8:30 University Challenge 9:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9:30 Broken News 10:00 Have I Got News for You 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Beyond Boundaries 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Buongiorno Italia! 13-20 4:30 Talk Italian 1-6

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Funland 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.00 Spendaholics 01.55 Funland I have never been more worried about anything. This morning I woke at 5am with a bumble-bee on my face. ON MY FACE!! I pounced on it like Chris Benoit grappling an opponent into the crippler crossface and it was so fucking huge that its buzzing could still be heard once I had thrown my pillow on top of it. This is a feather pillow we’re talking about. You may have been thinking it was a foam one, please do not because a foam one is lighter and would not deafen the sound so much. I then had to destroy it using a can of antiperspirant and a rolled up copy of the gair rhydd.

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Stop complaining. Mother has cancer? Not interested.

Been told you have but weeks to live? Lucky, lucky you.

8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Much Ado about Nothing 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 They Think It's All Over 11:05 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 11:35 FILM: Q & A 1:50am: Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2:40 Sign Zone: The Queen's Cavalry 3:10 Sign Zone: Your Life in Their Hands 4:10 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business 4:40 Joins BBC News 24

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06:10 The Hoobs: Stuffing 06:35 The Hoobs: Stories 07:00B4 07:30Friends: The One With The Hypnosis Tape 08:00Just Shoot Me: Nina Sees Red 08:25 Will And Grace: FlipFlop 08:55Frasier: Sleeping With The Enemy 09:25My Eden 09:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show 09:55 The Thin Club 10:45 Don't Make Me Angry 11:10 The Unteachables 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Sam Tân 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15My Eden 13:20Place In The Sun: Gisbourne, New Zealand 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00Planed Plant 16:00 Campyfan 16:25 Ofn! 16:50 Ffeil 17:00Richard & Judy 18:00The Simpsons: Bart Of Darkness 18:30Rownd A Rownd 19:00Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00Cefn Gwlad 21:30 Sgorio 22:35Y Clwb Rygbi23:05The Somme 01:10 Priest Idol 02:05 Film: Metropolis 03:55Diwedd/Close

Wednesday

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Uncharted Territory 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Trading Up 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Connor and Serena find themselves thrust into temptation. Bree makes an unusual new friend. Ever noticed that Bree looks suspiciously like a moomin but talks like the pigs from The Racoons?

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Watch My Chops The third annual butchery and scissor-mongering festival turns out to be a shambles. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. 4:05 Best of Friends 4:30 Patrick's Planet 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Road Rage 7:30 Seaside Rescue 8:00 What Not to Wear Rubber and Latex are so “in” this season, so chuck out your pashminas and woolly mittens and get thee down to your local Anne Summers. Natural fibres are sooo last season.

9:00 Shops, Robbers and Videotape 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 Drama Connections 11:10 FILM: Family Business 1:05am: Sign Zone: Beyond Boundaries 2:05 Sign Zone: Horizon 2:55 Sign Zone: Spending Other People's Money 3:25 Joins BBC News

7:00 CBBC: Watch My Chops 7:25 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Really Wild Show 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days The puppy made a great deal of money from a front-page expose in the Mirror.

Everyone’s a winner. 9:25 Something Special 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 FILM: The Story of Vernon and Irene Castle Because these people sound suspiciously like the local Neighbourhood Watch co-ordinators, I Googled this one. It seems this is a 1939 Strictly Ballroom type of affair, directed by someone called H. Potter. So now you know. 11:30 The Daily Politics 1:00pm: House Detectives 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Property People Shorts Series investigating the stigma attached to being a small estate agent.2:30 Garden Invaders 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads TV John has no doubt made some comment on another page regarding C.J.’s ridiculous pseudo-David Beckham hairdo. It is rather silly. But what about Daphne? Surely winning "Best Poodle Face" for three consecutive years at Crufts isn’t grounds for Egghead status?

6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Underworld Art Deal 7:30 Rough Science 8:00 Natural World 8:50 Deer in the City 9:00 Rome 9:50 Scandal 10:20 What the Romans Did for Us 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Family Ties 11:50 Family Ties: Mother of Pearl

6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Two Men and a Baby - But Who's the Dad? Tom Wellingham. He kept that one quiet.10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Crash Course 3:30 Pocoyo The Great Race 3:40 Tractor Tom Two Harvesters A fiver for a sunday roast. You can’t go wrong.3:55 Potatoes and Dragons Haunted Potatoes 4:05 Art Attack 4:30 My Parents are Aliens 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 The Bill 9:00 FILM: The Bourne Identity 10:30 ITV News 11:00 FILM: The Bourne Identity 11:50 Orange Playlist 0:20 The Jules and Lulu Show 0:45 cd:uk Hotshots 1:10 FILM: Vertigo Hitchcock seems to be everywhere at the moment. Even the fashion magazines are hailing "Hitchcock Heroine Chic" as the latest fashion "moment". I’ve been wrapping myself up in a shower curtain for months.

Always one step ahead of the game, me. 3:20 Revolver Movie Premiere Special Film dramatisation of the formation of Velvet Revolver. Slash’s hair had to be reconstructed from the tails of rare black-faced Westmorland Ewes and Scott Whelan had to be ironed out using similar method to Willy Wonka when de-juicing Violet Beauregarde, resulting in a leathery hide.3:45 World Sport 4:10 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News

6:00 Cubeez: Round And About 6:10 The Hoobs: Presents 6:35 The Hoobs: Hair 7:00 B4 7:30am Friends: The One Where Eddie Won't Go 8:00am Just Shoot Me: 8:25am Will & Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am Water Stories 9:30am The Market 9:55am A-Z Of Your Head 10:45am Engineering At The Cutting Edge: Wheels 11:10am Last Rights 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Coach Trip :To Hell And Back 3:00pm A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4:00pm Come Dine With Me 4:30pm A Place In Greece: Year 2 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Halloween Special Iv 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Great Buildings 8:00pm How Clean Is Your House? Starring TV Gareth and his friends the maggots.

8:30pm You Are What You Eat At the moment I’m an apple,some potato wedges and a slice of pizza.

9:00pm Supernanny 10:00pm Lost: All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues ??

11:05pm Will Young: Video Exclusive And the award for trhe gayest video ever goes to...

11:10pm Whatever Happened To The Wild Child?12:00am Top Ten Years: 1980 1:35am Motörhead: Live Fast, Die Old Motörhead are presently rawking hard downstairs in the Great Hall whilst I sip herbal tea.

They‘re more spritely than me, and I’m 20. 2:40am Freesports On 4: Globe World Cup 3:10am Thunder Racing At The Rock 3:35am Transworld Sport 4:35am Home Road Movies 4:45 Scrapheap Challenge

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.45 Hi-5 09.20 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "Crime of Passion" 15.30 Film: "As Time Runs Out" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Arctic Giants: Polar Bears Arctic Tossers: Monkeys.

20.00 Commando VIP 20.30 Dumber and Dumberest 21.00 Film: "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion" 22.55 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 23.25 When Sex Becomes an Addiction Something I’ve always pondered: Would you shag Micheal Douglas if he wasn’t incredbily rich and famous? Hmmm...

24.25 The Gadget Show 01.10 Motor Racing 02.00 ITU Triathlon World Cup 02.50 Golf 03.40 NASCAR Busch Series 04.30 Race and Rally UK 04.55 Argentinian Football Highlights 05.30 Portuguese Football 06.30 Taiwanese Netball 06.33 Plutonian Racketball 06.40 Welsh Bog-Snorkelling 06.53 French Javellin 06.54 Arctic Surfing 06.58 Swedish Hair Plaiting 06.59 Norwegian Fjord-

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Spendaholics 21.00 Funland 22.00 Film: "Deep Impact" Fits into my least favourite genre of film: the apocalyptic actionadventure. Is this a genre? I don’t care. I hate rubbish boyfilms.

23.50 Desperate Midwives 24.20 Desperate Midwives 24.50 Funland It’s all fun, fun, fun tonight. A morbidly obese man just waltzed into the GR office, wiggled his bum to the tune of “You Can’t Hurry Love” and then stole some coffee. We have no idea who this man is.

01.20 Spendaholics 02.15 The Brothel 02.45 The Brothel 03.15 Desperate Midwives 03.45 Desperate Midwives 04.15 FACT-TIME!!!If you get a blob of marmite and pat it with a spoon for a long time it will eventually turn white. This is completely and utterly true, I josh you not. Give it a go. You know you’ve nothing better to do with your miserable evening.

19.00 Fact or Fiction: Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister No, David Blunkett.

21.00 Can Dogs Smell Cancer?

22.00 House of Cards This week a kamikaze hairdryer wreaks havoc. Expect tears.

23.00 Drama Connections 23.30 MPs on the Box MC Tony B goes head to head with Johnny PDogg in the ultimate human beatbox showdown at the Hizzle Pizzle.

24.00 Can Dogs Smell Cancer?

01.00 Fact or Fiction: Days That Shook the World 02.00 The Sky at Night 02.30 MPs on the Box 03.00 Can Dogs Smell Cancer? I don’t know. Ask a dog. I may be as rough as one but I can assure you I have absolutely no canine ancestry.

Whatsoever. I don’t like dogs.

Small dogs, like small men, have a chip on their shoulders and tend to pick fights with anything bigger than them. Once you’ve been tainted by the smell of wet dog, you’re never the same again. Steer clear.

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 60 Minute Makeover 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline USA No Laughing Matter 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael I’ve often been described as a "pre-Sally Jessy Raphaelite beauty". I hope this is a compliment. 5:40 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun When Aliens Camp …they abduct Dale Winton.

7:30 Spin City:The Spanish Prisoner No soy un número. Soy una persona. 8:00 The Xtra Factor: 24/7 9:00 My Teen's a Nightmare - I'm Moving Out 10:00 Coronation Street 10:30 Mike Bassett: Manager 11:00 FILM: Red Heat No I haven’t. What have I missed out on? The latest scintillating exclusive interview with Jordan? The latest celebrities to lose 4lbs?

Celebrity sweat patches? Darn.

1:05 Office Monkey Aka: TV Grace aka: Teasmaid. 1:30 3rd Rock from the Sun When Aliens Camp 1:55 Spin City: The Spanish Prisoner

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Roland And Zammo 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Nothing But 2002 Number 1's 1:00pm Hijacked By Rachel Stevens 2:00pm The O.C.: The Return Of The Nana 3:00pm Without A Trace: Kam Li 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: The One With Joey's Award 5:30pm Friends: The One With Ross And Monica's Cousin 6:00pm The O.C.: The Return Of The Nana 7:00pm Hollyoaks7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends: The One With Joey's Award 8:30pm Friends: The One With Ross And Monica's Cousin 9:00pm Desperate Housewives: Love Is In The Air 9:55pm Wife Swap 11:00pm Lost: Whatever The Case May Be 12:00am Point Pleasant: Human Nature 1:00am Shameless 2:00am Wife Swap 3:00am Switched 3:20am Shameless 4:20am Without A Trace

06:10 The Hoobs06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace 08:50 3 Minute Wonder:The Homeless World Cup 08:55 3 Minute Wonder:The Homeless World Cup 09:00 The Unteachables 09:50 The Deadly Knowledge Show 10:15 Guns Are Cool 11:05 Don't Make Me Angry 11:30 Bitesize Bioleg 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:50 Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 Supporting Acts 13:20 Pioneer House: A New World 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad 21:00 04 Wal 21:30 Sioe Gelf 22:00 Jamie's Great Escape 22:30 Lost: Outlaws 23:30 Make Me A Million 00:30 John Peel's Record Box 01:35 Madonna: Who's That Girl

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19.00 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Who Rules the Roost?

22.00 EastEnders This week Grant Mitchell gets decked by his girlfriend. Oh wait, that’s not fiction.

22.30 Trauma Uncut 22.55 Trauma Uncut 23.30 Spendaholics 24.25 Funland 24.55 Who Rules the Roost? 01.55 Uncut...Which is the greatest magazine of all time. No other magazine would put Bruce Springsteen on the cover three times a year and release simultaneous magazines with two CDs of Boss covers on it. Brilliant.

02.25 Trauma Uncut 02.55 Spendaholics 03.55 Close I’m so drunk, I really don’t know why I’m even trying to sound coherant Or is it coherent? I just have no idea what’s going on.

Isn’t Big Pipe Style by Orbital one of the greatest songs of all time, even though it includes at least three bagpipe solos, and a Suzi Quattro. I really want to listen to In Sides by Orbital now, actually.

19.00 The Avengers 19.50 Sounds of the Sixties 20.00 The World 20.30 The Avengers Revisited 21.00 Tales from the Palaces 21.30 The War to End All Wars: Days That Shook the World 22.30 The Late Edition 23.00 Don't Watch That Watch This! I’m presuming that “This” is last weeks Orange Playlist with Jayne Middlemiss interviewing Burt Bacahrach. That was completely brilliant.

23.30 QI 24.00 Tales from the Palaces 24.30 The War to End All Wars My favourite war is the War of the Roses, because it’s such a vain attempt to make a romanticise violent bloodshed. What’s your favourite war. TV Gareth?

“Probably the Boer War,” mumbles TV Gareth, “Poor old Frank De Boer had no chance in that one”.

01.30 The Late Edition 02.00 Don't Watch That Watch This!

02.30 The Avengers Revisited 03.00 Tales from the Palaces 03.30 The War to End All Wars: Days That Shook the World 04.30 Close Fred Funk.

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 60 Minute Makeover 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline USA Emotional Baggage 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun The Tooth Harry 7:30 Spin City The Bone Collectors 8:00 My Husband's Secret Life Families 9:00 FILM: Red Heat Not to be confused with Heat, which is quite a good film. Or in fact, any other good film that’s even been produced. 11:05 Hell's Kitchen USA 1:00 3rd Rock from the Sun 1:30 Spin City I don’t care whether Michael J Fox has Parkinson’s or not, but this program is fucking RUBBISH. It’s basically Veronica’s Closet / Just Shoot Me!, but because it’s got some kind of political angle that makes it better, right? NO. 1:55 The Ricki Lake Show 2:35 Teleshopping 5:20 ITV2 Nightscreen Davis Love III

6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Mcfly 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Celebrity Threesome 1:00pm Hijacked By Goldfrapp 2:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Crusade 3:00pm My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Crusade 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm One Tree Hill 10:00pm The Simple Life: Interns 10:30pm When Magic Tricks Go Wrong 11:30pm Criss Angel Mindfreak 12:00am Queer As Folk 1:05am One Tree Hill: Something I Can Never Have 1:55am The Simple Life: Interns 2:20am When Magic Tricks Go Wrong 3:20am Criss Angel Mindfreak 3:40am Queer As Folk 4:25am Switched 4:50am Fool Around... With My Girlfriend

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06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.45 Hi-5 09.20 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "The Secret War of Jackie's Girls" 15.30 Film: Escape to Mindanao 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 The Mayan Shark: Great Ocean Adventure 20.00 How Not to Decorate The Fred and Rose West story.

21.00 Dream Business My record shop and toast cafe combination, which is due to open in 2007. Watch this space, I’m currently looking at the location of that new coffee shop on Salisbury Road, which’ll last about five minutes. Like anyone in that area of Cardiff has the right level of sophistication to drink coffee.

22.00 House 23.00 The Aphrodisiac Test Five hapless beings are told to eat nothing but asparagus for six weeks and then told to get it on. The test is to see whether it fuels their fire, or whether they go “urgh you stink of asparagus!” 24.00 John Barnes' Football Night 24.45 Golazo Football Show 01.30 Dutch Football 03.00 Portuguese Football 04.30 Argentinian Football

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5:55am Inuk: Guided By Voices 6:10am The Hoobs: Funny Faces 6:35am The Hoobs: Cool 7:00am B4 7:30am Fiends 8:00am Just Shoot Me: A Spy In The House Of Me 8:30am Will & Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Hardeep Does 10:20am Bricking It 11:10am The Market 11:35am The Market 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Coach Trip 1:00pm Sweet Tooth: War Sweets No 32: The chewable grenade.

1:10pm Always An insight into Jon Bon Jovi’s mind when he wrote this historically tacky power ballad.

3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal Or No Deal 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchyland 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: The Grotlyn 8:00pm Gordon Ramsay's F Word 9:00pm Wanted: New Mum And Dad The Leo Blair story.

Ohh get me, Mr Political.

10:00pm Domestic Disturbance Wankpost-Pulp Fiction John Travolta vehicle.

11:40pm The Who: Behind Who's Next Which, for the record, is the worst Who album.

Check out The Who Sell Out now that’s an album.

12:55am Bollywood Firsts: Dil Chahta Hai 4:30am Dispatches: Gordon Brown's Missing Billions 5:25am Countdown 6:10am Close

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6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show I'm Black, He's White, How Can We Be Brothers? - The Results 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Crash Course 3:30 Pocoyo Don't Touch Can Pocoyo resist the temptation to touch Elly's castle? Narrated by Stephen Fry. Urgh 3:35 Feodor The Trap I presume they’re referring to the trap that involves thinking Feeder were a quality rock act circa 1996 and discovering in 2005 they’ve turned into the post-millenial Police, with a dash of Foreigner.

3:45 Blips Car Washer 4:00 All Grown Up! Separate But Equal 4:30 The Giblet Boys Close Encounters of the Giblet Kind 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 The Ferret 8:00 The Bill 9:00 Doc Martin This show has Sunday night drama written all over it. None of the aged housewives are going to watch this on a Thursday.

10:00 The Avengers - Must See TV Must-See TV MY ASS. Since when is the Avengers “Must See?” 10:30 ITV News 11:00 Wales This Week 11:30 Soccer Night 0:00 Never to be Forgotten 0:30 Shoot The Writers! 0:55 Ms Dynamite in Profile 1:20 Providence The Birthday Party This doesn’t make sense.

2:05 Too Many Cooks 2:55 Cybernet 3:20 Motorsport UK

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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Watch My Chops 7:25 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Really Wild Show 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Something Special 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 The House Detectives 10:30 Watch 10:45 Something Special 11:00 The Chronicles of Narnia 11:15 Numbertime 11:30 Henry's Wives with Terry Deary 11:40 See You, See Me - Money 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Nero Wolfe Mysteries 2:30 Garden Invaders 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads What has happened to C.J’s haircut?

He’s turned into some disgusting hybrid of Stuart from Big Brother 5 and Billy Gayman from Club X. 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Restored to Glory 9:00 The Last Stand 10:00 Sensitive Skin The Dean Gaffney story. He has sensitive, hence the significan amount of acne on his mug. By which I mean his disgusting ugly preposterous face.

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize 4:00 GCSE Bitesize This week, TV John has been mostly checking out US indie stalwart’s The Thermals. What?

What’s a stalwart anyway?

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Uncharted Territory 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Trading Up 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Serena quits the bikini shop. Is it just me, or does the bikini shop only ever rarely appear in Neighbours?

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Watch My Chops 4:05 Best of Friends 4:30 Patrick's Planet TV Desk’s favourite Patricks - TV John: “Patrick Bateman”. TV Gareth: “Patrick Moore”, TV Grace: “Patrick Stewart”. Geordie: “The Brighton Bomber, wasn’t he called Patrick? Oh yes - Patrick McGee” 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Hotel on Sea 7.30 EastEnders 8:00 Bleak House 8:30 The Queen's Cavalry 9:00 Spooks 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week 12:25am: Sign Zone: Panorama 1:05 Sign Zone: Hotel on Sea 1:35 Sign Zone: It Beats Working Watching Jeremy Kyle and scoffing Transform-a-Snack sandwiches.

2:05 Sign Zone: Road Rage School 2:35 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business 3:05 Joins BBC News 24 Golf is silly: Discuss.

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06:10The Hoobs: Hiding 06:35The Hoobs: Seashells 07:00B4 07:30Friends: The One With A Chick And A Duck 08:00Just Shoot Me: Toy Story 08:25Will And Grace: Courting Disaster 08:55 Animation In The Making 09:00The Unteachables 09:50The Deadly Knowledge Show 10:15 Sticks And Stones 11:00 School Of Hard Knocks 11:30 Crefyddau'r Byd Ail Iaith 11:45Crefyddau'r Byd Ail Iaith 12:00News At Noon 12:30Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Barrug 13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:15 Celebrity Life Skills 13:20 Pioneer House: Harsh Reality 14:25Deal Or No Deal 15:15Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Crafwr 16:25 Teledu Eddie 16:50 Ffeil 17:00Richard & Judy 18:00The Simpsons 18:30 Hip Neu Sgip 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Dudley Penawdau Newyddion I Ddilyn 21:00 Twrio21:30 Darn O Dir 22:00Bandit 22:30Ralïo 23:30Uk Music Hall Of Fame 02:05Bollywood: Saathiya 04:30Monster Mania 05:00Diwedd/Close

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19.00 Tales from the Palaces 19.30 Boulez at the BBC 20.00 The World ::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.: .:::.:::. :::.::...:::::::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::20.30 The Cinema Show 21.00 BBC Four Sessions 22.00 The Highland Sessions 22.30 QI 23.00 The Late Edition 23.30 The Avengers ::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...::::::::::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::24.20 The Avengers Revisited 24.50 The Cinema Show 01.20 BBC Four Sessions ::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....:: 02.20 The Highland Sessions 02.50 Tales from the Palaces ::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....:: 03.20 The Late Edition 03.50 The Avengers Revisited 04.20 Close

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 60 Minute Makeover 10:20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline USA The Stress Test 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:40 Judge Judy ::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::6:30 ITV at the Movies 7:00 The Making of In Her Shoes 7:30 The Xtra Factor 8:30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 9:30 Unlikely Lovers 10:30 The Frank Skinner Show ::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::..:: ...::...:: ...::::.::.. ::::::.:::..: ..:::: 11:30 Coronation Street . ::...::: ...:...:::.: :::....::..:: ...::...:: .::.::.. ::::::.:::..: . 0:00 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions 1:00 The Ricki Lake Show 1:50 The Making of In Her Shoes . ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::..:: ...::...:: .

2:10 Teleshopping 5:10 ITV2 Nightscreen

Orgazmo five 1.05am

6:00 Morning Glory7:00 Morning Glory8:00 Wake Up With... 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Celebrity Threesome 1:00 Hijacked By The Game 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Gone 3:00 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss .: :::....::.:..:::. :::.::...::::::: ::..: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::.4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Mugging 5:30 Friends: The One With The Boob Job 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Gone 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With The Mugging 8:30 Friends: The One With The Boob Job 9:00 Brat Cp Usa 10:00 Biggest Selling Artists Of The 21st Century 1:30 Peep Show 1:55 BT Digital Music Awards 20052:55 Trigger Happy Usa 3:20 Peep Show 3:45 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 4:30 Switched 4:50 Fool Around With...

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06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends .::: .::::: .:::::...:: ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::.:.:.: :.::::...:: .::: .::::: .:::::...:: ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::.:.:.: :.::::...:: 08.45 Hi-5 09.20 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "Without Malice" 15.30 Film: "Gideon" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Great British Commanders .::: .::::: .:::::...:: ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::.:.:.: :.::::...:: 20.00 Stargate Atlantis 21.00 Film: "Not Another Teen Movie" .::: .::::: .:::::...:: ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::.:.:.: :.::::...:: .::: .::::: .:::::...:: ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::.:.:.: :.::::...:: 22.40 Celebrities Uncensored 23.10 My Secret Body 23.45 Commando VIP Uncut 24.40 Top Buzzer 01.05 Film: "Orgazmo" ::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. ::....:: .: ...::::: .:::: 02.35 The Love Boat 03.45 The Dead Zone 04.30 Lexx 05.15 Sunset Beach

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6:10 The Hoobs: Stripes 6:35 The Hoobs: Tidying Up 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends: The One Without The Ski Trip 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Lies & Dolls 8:30 Will & Grace: Looking For Mr Good Enough 8:55 Frasier: You Can Go Home Again 9:25 3 Minute Wonder: Self Portraits: Bob And Roberta Smith 9:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55 Hardeep Does: Pets 10:20 Bricking It 11:10 Bricking It 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 Channel 4 Racing From Cheltenh 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts .:::...:::...:::..:::::.::.. ::..:.. ::...:::.:.:::...::::.::::.:: :::: ...::. :::.. :::: .:::: :::::::.: :::....::.:.: ...:::.:::. :::.::...::::: ::. :::..:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::: ::. :::..

6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:35 Friends: The One With The Memorial Service 8:00 Friends: The One With The Lottery .::: .::::: .:::::...:: ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::.:.:.: :.::::...:: .::: .::::: .:::::...:: ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::.:.:.: :.::::...:: 8:30 The Simpsons: The Computer Wore Menace Shoes 9:00 The Simpsons: The Great Money Caper 9:30 Rock School 10:00 Peep Show 10:30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 11:05 The Osbournes: Number One Fan 11:35 True Romance 1:45 Cinema Sri Lanka: August Sun 3:45 Tantric Yogi 4:45 Second Time Around: Pilot 5:10 Countdown 5:55 Close

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6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show My Son Tried to Kill Me! 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Crash Course 3:30 Pocoyo Mystery Footprints 3:35 Pirates Scaredy Cat 3:50 Planet Sketch 4:00 Disney's The Legend of Tarzan Giant Beetles 4:30 Harry Hill's Shark Infested Custard 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::. :::...:.:.: :.::::...:: :::.::: .::::: .:::::...:: 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: 8:00 Dads' Army: Inside Fathers For Justice 8:30 Airline 9:00 Taggart Running Out of Time 10:30 ITV News 11:00 Fact Hunt 11:30 The Frank Skinner Show :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::: 0:30 Numb3rs Structural Corruption 1:30 Sleeping with Celebrities 2:25 Dragnet The Artful Dodger 3:00 Entertainment Now! 3:25 ITV at Reading 2005 4:20 cd:uk Hotshots 4:45 Dads' Army: Inside Fathers For Justice 5:10 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 Who Rules the Roost? 21.00 Funland 22.00 EastEnders 22.35 The Comic Side of 7 Days 23.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Hey Guys, TV Gareth here ::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::...:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::..:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. ::.:::. ::...::: ...::::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...:::: ::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....:: 24.05 MPs' Outtakes ::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::. :::.::...::::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....:: 24.30 Funland 01.00 Who Rules the Roost? 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.00 Spendaholics 04.00 Close ::::: ::. :::...:::. ::...::: ...:...:::::::.: :::....::.:.:...:::.:::.

6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Watch My Chops 7:25 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Really Wild Show 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Something Special 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 The House Detectives 10:30 Bini Special Needs 11:00 Two Minutes Silence 11:05 Primary Geography 11:15 Primary Geography 11:25 Watch 11:40 Focus 11:50 Emotional Literacy 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:30 FILM: The True Story of Jesse James 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 The Great Phone Call Con ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::. :::...:.:.: :.::::...:: :::.::: .::::: .:::::...:: ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::.:.:.: :.::::...:: :::.::: .::::: .:::::...:: 7:30 The Good Life 8:00 Garden School 8:30 Gardeners' World Specials 9:00 Pol Pot: The Journey to the Killing Fields 9:50 Space 10:00 QI 10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 Later with Jools Holland 12:40am: FILM: Where Danger Lives 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Wallace in Wales 2:30 Was Anybody There? Looking at seances in Victorian society 3:00 The Argument from Design 3:30 A Living Doll: A Background to Shaw's Pygmalion 4:00 Euripides' Medea 4:30 Open Advice 5:00 The Train to ClujNapoca 5:30 Ever Wondered?

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Right, as an issue of respect towards the blind and stuff, I’m going to write this page in Braille. Except Neighbours. Obv. 6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Uncharted Territory 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Two Minutes Silence; Trading Up 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Paul and Izzy become the neighbours from hell. Connor and Serena go public. Susan takes a step toward romance. Bree investigates the bizarre Kinski family 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Pinky and the Brain 4:10 Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo 4:30 The Basil Brush Show 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::. :::...:.:.: :.::::...:: :::.::: .::::: .:::::...:: ::.:... .:.:..::: ..::...:: ::: ....:::. ::::..:: :::.:::. :::...:.:.: :.::::...:: :::.::: .::::: .:::::...:: 6:30 Regional News Programmes ::.:... .:..::: ..::...:: ::....:: ::::..::::.::. ::::.:.: :.::...:: :::.::: .::::: .:::::...:: 7:00 A Question of Sport 7:30 Spending Other People's Money 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Bleak House 9:00 Blessed 9:30 Have I Got News for You 10:00 BBC News 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35 FILM: Virus 1:10am: Joins BBC News 24

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00b4 07:30 Friends: The One Without The Ski Trip 08:00just Shoot Me: Lies & Dolls 08:30 will And Grace: Looking For Mr Good Enough 08:55the Great Pretenders 09:05the Market 09:30 the Deadly Knowledge Show 09:55 hardeep Does... Pets 10:20 Bricking It 11:10 Bricking It 12:00 news At Noon 12:30planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Pentre Bach 13:00 Channel 4 Racing 15:15 countdown 16:00planed Plant 16:00 Dan Datrys 16:25 Bôrd 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 The Simpsons18:20uned 5 19:15y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol Cymru V Fiji 21:25newyddion 21:35pobol Y Cwm 22:00gwyl Cerdd Dant Gogledd Penfro Ymryson Y Beirdd 23:00rock School 23:30peep Show 00:00the Osbournes: Number One Fan 00:30uk Music Hall Of Fame: Who Killed The Rolling Stone? 01:35uk Music Hall Of Fame: World's Greatest Gigs 02:45uk Music Hall Of Fame: Jimi Hendrix: The Road To Woodstock 03:50freesports

Saturday BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

P He looked scared for a moment, and then turned around and dropped his beer and ran!! Everyone nearby stared at me, so I picked up the half-full bottle of Red Stripe and held it out in front of me like a knife. I shouted at them: BACK OFF, HIPSTERS, AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BLOWING THE SMOKE FROM YOUR EXPENSIVE CIGARETTES OVER HERE, OR I WILL MAKE FUN OF HOW YOU STILL LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS AND HOW YOU CLAIM THAT VINYL SOUNDS BETTER THAN CDS WHEN YOU DO NOT EVEN OWN A TURNTABLE!! There was a scuffling sound that I could hear even above the piercing indie guitar chunking as they all scooted backwards in unison. I whirled around to face the crowd

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If some muscular dude in a white uniform with a black belt was at a show you would think: probably I should not stand next to that guy because he is a ninja! But when you see skinny indie rockers you think the only danger is that they will try to talk to you about Tortoise or Shellac or another boring band. One hipster was standing directly behind me!

I looked down at his feet and his vintage tennis shoes were only two inches behind mine, ready to step on my heels at any time!

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I behind me. NOW DON'T MOVE ANY CLOSER, I yelled, OR I'LL TAKE YOU BACK TO MY PLACE AND MAKE YOU WEAR MALL CLOTHES AND LISTEN TO THE RADIO UNTIL YOU CRY LIKE A BEATEN INFANT!! They kept a respectable distance the rest of the show! I think the lesson here is that you should treat bothersome hipsters like you would any kind of dangerous criminal: by threatening them with physical and cultural violence!

Yes, I didn’t write that either. But I can’t be arsed. seriously. THink of all the times you really couldn’t be bothered to do something...yep, that’s nothing com pared to this. It’s really all I can do to remember to breathe. But on the upside I’m providing you with some pretty humorous

R

It involves the internet! You can go to pollstar.com or even to your favorite band's website to see if they are going to play near you soon. (Warning: bands update their websites as much as they shower so the content may not be current!) If you are crafty and don't mind spending extra money just to avoid leaving your chair, you can even buy tickets oline and have them mailed to you or pick them up at the club.

Most of the bands I like are stupid indie-rock crap, so every single show I go to has a pool of mop-headed thrift store shoppers all standing around drinking expensive beer and trying to look good! (this is another thing I forget until I actually go to the show.) I was standing in the middle of this small grimy club trying to

look good!

(This is another thing I forget until I actually go to the show.) I was standing in the middle of this small grimy club trying to see this band play when suddenly I was attacked from behind by a wall of hipsters!!! GAAAGRRGGRHHH!!! They had advanced on me quietly and I did not notice until they were almost on top of me!!

Well they did not so much attack me as sort of stand near me and nod their head out of time to the music and clutch their stubby five dollar beers! But I think maybe it was a special hipster attack which involves moving just slightly closer to you whenever you are not looking, the attack style is not as fierce as most martial arts but it is just as dangerous because you do not expect it.

HIPSTER, DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT EVERYONE ELSE HERE HAS THOSE SAME EXACT BLACK PLASTIC GLASSES!! I told him. His eyes snapped out of their long-distance focus and he stopped bobbing his head, and looked right in my eyes! WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND WASH THE PEANUT BUTTER OFF YOUR BELLE AND SEBASTIAN SHIRT, I HEARD THOSE GIRLS OVER THERE TALKING ABOUT YOU AND THEY WERE SAYING YOU WERE A TOTAL POSER AND DID NOT EVEN LISTEN TO THEM UNTIL THEIR MOST RECENT ALBUM!

P

It is the springtime now and that means that lots of bands are starting to go on tour again! They are like bears or any other creature that just stays in its house and watches television and drinks all winter long, mostly because they do not really shower! Right now you may be thinking that the best way to determine if your favorite rock band is playing in your city is to grow accustomed to their scent and then carefully sniff the air each afternoon to see if they are in town. But THERE IS A BETTER WAY!!! Like most things these days the better way

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PRIMETIME

029 20229977

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When you can’t rely on S4C filling up the whole of its box you know it’s a sad, sad day. This, my public, is a sad, sad day. One of the worst days I have ever had...if only I had a live journal.

Sunday

Page 32

November 7 - 13 2005

television@gairrhydd.com

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Rememberance Sunday BBC1 10.15am

Girls And Boys BBC2 9pm

Young, Sexy and Rockinʼ’ E4 10am

Make It Big five 10.25am

6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Sunday AM 10:15 Remembrance Sunday: the Cenotaph 12:10pm: The Politics Show rrRRRRRRRrrrrRRRRRRRRGRGG GGRRR!!!@ Do not be worried, fellow readers, it is not a danger sound, instead it is only the sound of my alley neighbour’s using a chainsaw! If you are thinking that the noise is a surprise you are also correct, because if you look closely you will notice that it is the sound of my alley neighbours using a chainsaw at a quarter past midnight! last night I was sitting on my porch looking at some websites when the chainsaw noise started up! If you are wondering how i was doing that, the answer is: WIRENESS TECHNOLOGY! Using an old and slow laptop computer, I was able to hook into the internet using a special "wireness" fifty-foot ethernet cable strung across my living room and out the front door!

And thanks to a successful mod where I cut a notch out of the bottom of the screen door, I can enjoy the wireness internet without letting flies in the house. technology is wonderful! 1:10 Diagnosis Murder 1:55 EastEnders 3:55 Bleak House 4:55 Songs of Praise 5:30 Antiques Roadshow 6:20 The Great Big Bid 8:00 Rocket Man 9:00 Egypt 10:00 BBC News; Weather 10:15 Panorama 10:55 Rome 11:50 FILM: Five Seconds to Spare 1:30am: Sign Zone: Holby City 2:30 Sign Zone: Tales from the Green Valley 3:00 Sign Zone: Tales from the Green Valley 3:30 Sign Zone: The Secret Life of an Office Cleaner 4:20 Joins BBC News 24

6:00am CBeebies: Tikkabilla 6:35 Pingu 6:40 Pingu 6:45 Pingu 6:50 Brum 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:10 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 7:30 Smile 10:00 FILM: The Music Man 12:40pm: Wild Africa 1:30 Sunday Grandstand 1:35 Tri-Nations Rugby League Great Britain v New Zealand 2:15 Rugby Special 4:00 Motorsport: Grand Prix Masters 5:20 A Wild Autumn Day 7:00 Top of the Pops 7:35 Malcolm in the Middle 8:00 Top Gear 9:00 Girls and Boys: Sex and British Pop So I turned down the brightness on my computer screen and peered around the edge of my porch. My neighbour was cutting holes in the middle of his deck with the chainsaw!! I enjoy modifying technology to suit my needs, so I knew the neighbour felt the same way too. (Or maybe his malt liquor felt that way!) I jumped off the deck and ran over into the alley to talk to him.

NEIGHBOUR!! I shouted up to him. NEIGHBOUR I see you are modding your deck, is this more for speed or is it because you want to cool the deck off more!

Issha frenamo GOW DAMBO, he told me! Since you may not be familiar with the pidgin language "ohio drunk" I will translate. He was saying, DREW what you need to do is confirm that i really am too sauced to notice anything that happens, and then take my grill! 10:00 Egyptian Journeys with Dan Cruickshank 10:30 Grumpy Old Women 11:00 Arrested Development 11:25 FILM: The Boys 1:25am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for the Internet: Webwise for Business: Using the Internet 3:00 Webwise for Business: Planning for Success

6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Championship 10:25 Skillz 10:55 The X Factor 12:10 The X Factor Results 12:40 Jonathan Dimbleby including ITV News and Weather 1:35 ITV Wales News and Weather 1:45 World Rally Championship 2:45 Waterfront 3:15 Never to be Forgotten Rivers 3:45 My Uncle Silas 4:45 Harry Potter Some Animal Magic 5:15 Wales on the Move 5:45 A Story of Cardiff 6:15 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV News; Weather 6:50 Emmerdale 7:20 Creature Comforts Pet Hates NEIGHBOUR thank you, I told him, I have needed a grill for a while! I walked around the side of the house, found his grill, and wheeled it out into the alley. neighbour, you are a good man, keep chainsawin'! I told him, and then wheeled it through the alley and back around to my porch. He did not respond and did not even turn around to see what I was doing, but in a minute he started chainsawing again.

It is a sign of an intrepid modder that they block out everything else in their quest for a faster, cooler deck!

7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Heartbeat The Good Samaritan 9:00 Child of Mine 11:00 ITV News 11:15 First and Last 0:15 Faith and Music 0:50 Motorsport UK 1:30 World Sport 1:55 60 Minute Makeover 2:45 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3:45 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News PRIMETIME MOTHERFUCKER

6:05 The Hoobs: Nes 6:30 The Hoobs: Colours 6:55 Transworld Sport 7:50 Honda Formula 4 Powerboating8:20 Freesports On 4: Snowboarding 8:50 T4 9:20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 11:55 T4: Friends: The One With The Ball 12:25 T4: Totally Frank 12:55 T4: Will Young: T4 Music Special 1:30 Channel 4 Racing From Cheltenham And Fontwell Park 3:30 The Simpsons: Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? 4:05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise: Kir'shara 4:55 The Simpsons: Lisa's Substitute 5:30 Scrapheap Challenge 6:30 Lost: Homecoming Ten minutes later, I had painted the grill a nice lime green on the outside. after a couple of quick coats of enamel gloss clearcoat, it was looking new... or perhaps BETTER than new! I went to bed, lulled to sleep by the relaxing sound of nature's own chainsaw: the chainsaw. This morning I woke up and before doing anything else I walked out onto the porch to make sure everything was still all right. the grill was still there, in all its verdant glory! I looked around the corner at the neighbour's house. There, among a wreckage of several bottles and cans, lay the newly modded deck!

7:30 Channel 4 News 8:00 The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers 11:15 Robbie Willis: The Show Off Must Go On 12:25 Dubplate Drama 12:40 4play: Five O'clock Heroes 12:50 They 2:20 Monster Mania2:45 Kotv 3:15 4endurance: Ironman Uk Triathlon 3:40 Zero To Hero 4:40 Second Time Around: No, No5:00 Second Time Around: Ryan Sees Party People

06:00 Titch 06:10 Old Bear Stories 06:20 Rolie Polie Olie 06:50 The Save-Ums! 07:00 The Save-Ums! 07:15 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 08:05 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08:20 Franklin 08:55 Gerald McBoing Boing 09:25 Demolition Dad 09:40 Extreme Football 10:00 Michaela's Wild Challenge 10:25 Make It Big 11:00 The New Tomorrow 11:30 Heroes of History 12:00 A Different Life 12:30 The History of British Sculpture 13:00 five news update 13:10 Film: "Action in the North Atlantic" 15:35 five news and sport 15:45 MTV Europe Music Awards 2005 17:45 Film: "The Last Action Hero" 20:00 Britain's Worst::: Hairdresser it seemed as though sometime during the night, the intrepid alleyman had actually cut off the support posts for the deck, leaving it hanging at an angle off the side of the house, and then cursorily attacked the side of it, leaving some of the railing intact, and other parts completely demolished. It was a work of supreme beauty and knowledge! by cutting down the weight of the wooden deck, the alleyman increased its airflow, and by leaving it hanging at an angle, he insured that a minimum of people would stand on itmeaning that it would operate far more efficiently!

21:00 Film: "Unforgiven" 23:35 World's Wildest Police Videos 24:30 Adventure Triathlon 24:55 NBA Action 01:20 NFL Live: Sunday Game of the Week 04:45 Dutch

19:00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 20:00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21:00 Stars in Fast Cars 21:30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22:00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22:30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 23:00 Swiss Toni 23:30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 24:25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24:55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01:25 Honey We're Killing the Kids 02:20 The Brothel 02:50 The Brothel 03:50 Close I was going to go congratulate my neighbour on his feat of creative mastery, but instead I decided to congratulate my stomach with a freshlygrilled steak on the lime green GRIL-DUDE. Steaks never taste better than when they are cooked on a grill you did not pay for!!! Yes that was more copying and pasting from the internet.

But it was entertaining adn nop fucker reads this anyway. SO long as there are no white spaces I get to leave and everyone’s happy. Except me. Never.

19:00 Wildlife Special: Tiger 19:50 The Standard of Perfection: Show Cats 20:50 Play It Again 21:20 The Third Programme: High Culture for All 22:00 Young Guns Go for It 22:40 Young Guns Go for It 23:10 BBC Four Sessions 24:10 The Last Roar of the Taiga 01:10 The Third Programme: High Culture for All 01:50 Play It Again 02:20 The Lost Picture of Eugene Smith 03:00 BBC Four Sessions 04:00 Close Grace and John play consequences: GO!: There once was a lovely little boy called Gareth who had an MTV haircut and stole an Arctic Monkeys poster which was blue and yellow and his brother liked it too. One day after school, he went southwards, it was warmer in the cold winter months and there were severe gales forecast. SO... he didn’t think it was worthwhile. “I am a can of hot dogs in brine” he shouted as he realised he wasn’t standing out from the crowd and my juice tastes like a warm bagel. This was eaten quickly and washed down with a mug of

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 10:25 cd:uk 11:30 Movies Now 11:40 Marriage 911 12:40 The Xtra Factor 1:10 Planet's Funniest Animals 1:25 When Ken Met Deirdre 1:55 Emmerdale Omnibus 4:40 Coronation Street Omnibus 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Eat Drink Dick Mary 7:30 Spin City The Bone Collectors 8:00 The X Factor 9:15 The X Factor Results 9:45 The Xtra Factor 10:15 My Teen's a Nightmare - I'm Moving Out 11:15 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions 0:15 Coronation Street 0:45 The Frank Skinner Show 1:45 cd:uk 2:45 Teleshopping 5:45 ITV2 Nightscreen Horlicks, followed by giving a presentation about Care Bears having spent two minutes thinking about what he was going to say so instead she bought a car and drove to... At this point Grace became ‘fed up’ and scribbled violently at the page. TV Desk do not condone this sort of activity. We do however condone sleep. Sleep is good. mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory8:00 The All Star Wake Up Call9:00 The All Star Wake Up Call10:00 Whatever...

You Want11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Reality Pop Winners And Losers 1:00 Reality Pop Winners And Losers 1:30 Will Young Live 2:40 Popworld 3:30 Totally Frank 4:00 Young, Sexy And...Rockin'5:00 Friends: The One With The Bullies 5:30 Friends: The One With Two Parties 6:00 Playing It Straight 7:00 One Tree Hill: Something I Can Never Have 8:00 The Simple Life: Interns 8:30 Friends 9:00 Lost: Outlaws 10:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 11:00 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 11:35 Criss Angel Mindfreak 12:05 The Simple Life: Interns 12:35 Behind The Scenes With The Constant Gardener1:05 Hollyoaks Let Loose2:05 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 2:30 Playing It Straight 3:20 One Tree Hill: Something I Can Never Have 4:00 Totally Frank 4:25 Young, Sexy And...Rockin' 5:10 Popworld

06:05 The Hoobs: Names 06:30 The Hoobs: Colours 06:55 Transworld Sport 07:50 Honda Formula 4 Powerboating 08:20 Freesports On 4: Snowboarding 08:50 Hollyoaks 09:20 Hollyoaks 09:50 Hollyoaks 10:25 Hollyoaks 10:55 Hollyoaks 11:25 Rownd A Rownd 11:55 Rownd A Rownd 12:30 Yr Wythnos 13:00 Maniffesto 13:30 Channel 4 Racing 15:30 Dudley 16:00 Cwpwrdd Dillad 16:30 04 Wal 17:00 Welsh In A Week 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws 19:30 Atgofion Jim 20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20:30 Cefn Gwlad 21:00 Emyn Roc A Rôl 21:45 Newyddion 21:55 Film: The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers 01:10 Film: Simone 03:15 Kiss Fm Awards 04:10 Morgan & Platell 04:40 Diwedd/Close Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, Wales, that’s all I ever hear from you people. Good. Night.

November 7 2005

Page 33 ruiningyourlectures@gairrhydd.com

Mother Earth

SU DOKU:

I

’ve just been to Sainsbury’s to do some shopping. Now I’m loitering outside, at a bus stop, looking at the door. People are streaming out: No doubt they’re stocking up on nutmeg to grate over their Bolognese, because that’s what happens when Jamie Oliver recommends something in adverts these days. Remember when it was okay to hate Jamie Oliver? Back when he was in a band, possibly called Space Bucket, though I’m not sure, before he saved the children, those were the days.

1

9

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8

3 4

5

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9

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7 2

1

?

A: B: C: D:

Hard Earned Best Mate Johnny the Horse muR deR, I mean Red Rum, all work and no play, something something...

Mick Jones Iain Banks Dee Dee Ramone No one, it fell out of a bin.

2. On average how many arrests does a Policeman make each year?

W

hy oh why would you do some of the things that we get sent pictures of?

Needless to say that, although they can’t all be printed, it’s good to see you students looking on the brighter side of life.

Keep em coming in.

9 1

Fill in the grid using only the numbers 1 through 9. All the vertical and horizontal rows should contain the numbers 1-9. All the smaller 3x3 squares should contain the numbers 1-9. No row or 3x3 square should have the same number twice.

CROSSWORD: 1

2

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Potter anyone?

Cheeky ‘mid kiss’ shot with camera phone.

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HALL OF SHAME Is it a bird? is it a plane? or just a drunk student?

2

HOW TO PLAY SU DOKU:

4. Who produced Babyshambles’ new record? Which, by the way, sounds like the Smiths if they were fucking idiots?

A: B: C: D:

9

answers:

A: Because, back in the day, it was named after the World Newspaper - its sponsor.

B: As a comment on American cultural imperialism (let’s hope not, that’d be rubbish, although they’d like that down at Newsnight Review) C: Because, strictly speaking, teams the world over can enter.

D: It’s named after its founder, Gavin World

1

1.A, 2.D, 3.B, 4.A

1. Why is the World Series of Baseball called that?

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12.2 13.7 120.8 9.5

3. What celebrity racehorse just died of a hear t attack?

A: B: C: D:

2

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3

Halloween does strange things to normal people

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This is what cider does to you. Fact.

26

ACROSS

DOWN

1 Provender (4) 3 Drove Away (8) 9 Shone faintly (7) 10 Wear Away (5) 11 Ruin (5) 12 Type of ice cream (6) 14 Woman’s shirt (6) 15 Unreservedley (6) 18 Argue in a petty way (6) 20 Desert watering place (5) 22 Cloth or tissue for the nose (5) 23 Mixed (with a spoon) (7) 25 Leisure breaks (8) 26 Short trip in a motor car (4)

1 Slog, chore (3) 2 Too liable to display your feelings (4-9) 4 Bear (6) 5 Exhaust (3,2) 6 Bag’s long carrying handle (8,5) 7 Membership fees (4) 8 Uses cigarettes (6) 11 Spider’s traps (4) 13 Extra runs in cricket (4) 16 Raw beginner (6) 17 Having a hard brittle exterior (6) 19 _____ in, entered in a database (5) 21 Pre-1979 Iranian leader (4) 24 Judo level (3)

Page 34

s g n i t Lis

Recommended

November 7 2005

listings@gairrhydd.com

Polysics @ Barfly Mon 7 Nov 7.30pm/ £8 recommends

T

hey’re Japanese, they wear boiler suits they love Devo and on Monday night, Cardiff, they’re coming to you.

Virgin Mobile Louder have been colonising barfly for one night a month for the past year and recently they’ve really been coming up with the goods.

Last month we had the genre-rupturing, Idiot Pilot and back in September Oceansize challenged the ‘petite’ barfly with their vast, far-reaching, all-encompassing sound-scapes, while not long ago Martin Grech reminded barfly devotees that there really is a good reason to be into the new music that the Barfly willfully provides.

This month, keeping the cutting edge sharp, Polysics are the VML band of choice and a quick skim of their biog immediately shows why.

The group started out as a ‘cheeky’ Devo homage and what was originally a cult synth-punk obscurity has grown into a fullyfledged musical phenomenon.

Expect matching suits, poker faces, squelching techno synth, spastic punk rock guitars, an exhilarating energy and a sense of humour that veers from ecstatic to quirky.

They’re huge in Japan and well on their way in America and over in here in the UK. Why not broaden your musical horizons and join the queue.

Also appearing on the night are 2 other mighty fine artists; that of Keith, and Robots Talk In Twos.

Robots Talk In Twos thrash out interesting British alternative rock with a definite lean to progressive music.

So there you have it, who needs to be on the look out for the latest good good music when Virgin Mobile Louder gather together the best bands of the moment, and collating them all in one night out in one of the city’s finest music venues. Don’t think twice about this one.

t Gues Pick

Jo Brand

Dizzee Rascal

@ St. David’s Hall

@ S.U

Weds 9 Nov

Thurs 10 Nov 10pm / £10

7pm / £13

recommends

recommends

D

izzee Rascal is tearing up all the rulebooks and setting the music world alight with his raw talent.

His thought-provoking lyrics, distinctively piercing and poignant delivery, and original production have made him one of the hottest new stars of the urban scene.

Dylan Mills, known professionally as Dizzee Rascal, is a solo artist who has shot to fame in the UK grime scene. Much of this success was due to his success at the Mercury Music awards in 2003 at a tender age of 19.

Dizzee Rascal began MCing on pirate radio and at raves at 15, but

Coming Up

since his mainstream success he has distanced himself from the flegling scene quite intentionally.

He attributes his musical development to a school teacher who allowed him to skip regular classes and spend time working on music on the school computers.

His music is an eclectic mixture of garage and hip-hop beats topped with his own unmistakable style of spitting, (a faster style of rapping), itself blending elements of garage MCing, conventional rap and ragga, with some more eclectic samples, from metal guitars to found noises added in.

After winning a Sidewinder award for 'best newcomer MC' in 2002, his album Boy in Da Corner

was released to critical acclaim in 2003, preceded by the single I Luv U - a tale of accidental teenage pregnancy.

Unlike many rappers, Dizzee does not glorify gun culture in his music, but reflects it along with other grim realities of urban life.

He has been described as "the vital unvarnished voice of modernday inner-city London", and a social element is usually present in most of his tracks.

However Dizzee proves that social comment does not necessarily have to be scathing or boring as often there is a humorous element to his lyrics.

This is definitely one gig that you don’t want to miss.

J

o Brand is a British feminist comedian. She was born in Hastings, East Sussex, and worked as a psychiatric nurse until the mid-1980s.

When she began a career in stand-up comedy, she acquired the nickname, "The Sea Monster". She was central to the British alternative comedy movement, working London alternative comedy clubs, and appearing initially on the UK Saturday Night Live television show.

In 1993, her transition into the mainstream was confirmed when she obtained her own series on Channel 4, Jo Brand Through the Cakehole.

With a shaved head and Doc Marten boots, her image (and comedic material) for most of the

1980s and 90s was inspired at least in part by radicalised feminism but, despite rumours to the contrary, she wasn't lesbian.

She was for a while romatically involved with Malcolm Hardee, who had initially persuaded her to become a comic, and is currently married with two children.

More recently her humour has softened and she has been a guest on such television shows as Have I Got News For You, Never Mind The Buzzcocks, and QI. She has had several solo television series, and presented shows such as Jo Brand's Commercial Breakdown. She also appeared on StarSpell, a spin off from HardSpell, during 2004.

In 2003, she was listed in the Observer as one of the 50 funniest acts in British comedy.

On top of all of this, Brand has also tried her hand at straight acting, and has also written novels.

Also appearing on the night is comic Andy Robinson, who warms up for Jo Brand.

Hailing from the hotbed of comedy that is Oldbury in the West Midlands, Andy has been a star at the Glee Club for the last six years.

A bit of a smuthound and the occasional flash of genius with his guitar has made him a must see comedian in Birmingham.

It’s good to have a laugh sometimes, do it now.

Franz Ferdinand - Mon 14 Nov @ Cardiff International Arena ... Bass Invaders 4: Roni Size, Dynamite MC, Pendulum - Sat 19 Nov @ Students Union ... GLC / The Automatic - 25 Nov @ Bridgend Recreation Centre ... Jem - Tues 29 Nov @ Students Union ... Hard Fi - Fri 2 Nov @ Students Union ... Zane Lowe - Mon 28 Nov @ UWIC ... Fallout Boy - Sun 22 Jan @ Students Union ... Goldfrapp - Weds 1 Feb @ Students Union ... Jack Johnson Band - Thurs 2 March @ Cardiff Internation Arena ... Dylan Moran - Sat 6 May @ St. David’s Hall ... Girls Aloud - Tues 30 May @ Cardiff International Arena ...

Day By Day Monday07/10 Pick Of The Day Xpress Radio @ 87.9FM Our DJs will be broadcasting on FM daily for the next 2 weeks.

Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

X Factory @ The Taf Legendary X-press DJs. 9pm-1am FREE On the Side @ Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer.

I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger There are 5 rooms, 5 bars, 1 dance arena, a VIP lounge a live funk band, and of course drink promotions. 9.30pm. £3/4 NUS. Live @ C.I.A Alice Cooper / Twisted Sister / Viking Skull (Raging Speedhorn). All together now, ‘we’re not worthy!’.7pm. £29.50 Live @ Buffalo Bar Forecast Presents: Jeffrey Lewis / Schwevon. £11.50 - £16.50.

Live @ Barfly Virgin Mobile Louder presents: Polysics / Keith / Robots Talk In Twos. See the facing page for further details. 7.30pm. £7.

Live @ St. David’s Hall Regimental Band Of Her Majesty's Coldstream Guards. 8pm. £11.50 CD Launch Party @ The Point Sian Cothi - Welsh soprano and presenter.

Friday11/11

Fat Friday @ Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4.

Mad4It! @ Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from the Stones to the Strokes, the Smiths and the Doors and much much more. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Live @ Barfly Holly Golightly / Pellumair / Rose Kemp. Holly Golightly started her musical career as a founder member of an all girl garage band, although now she’s a solo artist. Holly’s solo sound is more a blend of pre-rock electric blues, folk rock, and less frantic rock & roll.

7:30pm £6 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Beneath The Surface Presents: Supersystem.

Electrifying fusion of tight funk, explosive energy and rhythm. 8.pm. £3-£5.

Circus Oz @ WMC This all-human circus has enjoyed sell out success in London and New York in recent yearsand will dazzle audiences with their physical daring and classic circus acts. (Fri&Sat mat 2pm) from £5.

Pick Of The Day Sir Bob Geldof @ St. David’s Hall The Man, The Songs & The Stories: Pop star, poet, open plan politician, living saint, devil’s advocate, freelance genius, ubiquitous celebrity, media mogul, big-mouth. A rare chance to see all this and hear a live show that will blow you away! 7.30pm. £20.

Tuesday08/11

Comedy Club @ CF10, SU It really is rather funny. 8-11pm. £4 NUS Soul Motion@Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Rock . Metal . Goth. It’s sure to be a good alternative night out. 9pm. £2.50 Live @ Barfly Viking Skull / Panel / Sons of Thunder. Band formed from the ashes of metalists Raging Speedhorn. 7.30pm. £6.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Circulus. Anacid folk band from London.

Centering around England's folk heritage, most notably the pagan, surrounding forests and woodlands, the music harks back to days of hilltop rituals and folklore in a psychedelic sort of way.

Pick Of The Day Live @ The Point Forecast Presents: The Incredible String Band / Soft Hearted Scientists.The Incredible String Band - Seminal British folk band, formed in Scotland in the mid 60s, featuring original members Robin Williamson, Mike Heron and Clive.

7.30pm. £12.

Wednesday09/11

Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. Tonight it is a porn star party so get out those cheesy wigs and moustaches. It’s time to get filthy, oh yes.

10pm. £3.

Xpress Radio @ 87.9FM Our DJs will be broadcasting on FM daily for the next 2 weeks.

Indie Kids Die In Hot Bars @ Barfly Featuring the latest and greatest new music, live acts and guest DJ’s. The team behind Fly Swatter bring you Indie Kids Die in Hot Bars.

10.30pm. £4 Wednesdays @ Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music- raucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Zebrahead / Over It! / Fastlane / Dopamine A Californian furious fivesome whose music combines a mass of arm-waving, fist clenching energy with singalong choruses and rasping guitar licks.7pm. £7.50.

Live @ CIA Four Tops / The Temptations. The Four Tops have been wowing audiences with their infectious blend of pure vocal power and sweet harmonies since 1954. 7.30pm. £30.

Live @ St. David’s Hall The Commitments. In 1993, several of the stars decided The Commitments should be reborn as a live, working, touring band & become 'Dublin's Saviours Of Soul' for real.7.30pm. £12.

Jazz @ Windsor Hotel, Penarth The Liberty Street Jazz Band. Excellent sixpiece traditional jazz band from Wales playing jazz standards, spirituals and New Orleans marching tunes. Great music with more than a few laughs along the way. 8.45pm. £FREE. Comedy @ St. David’s Hall Jo Brand, Andy Robinson. Jo Brand is an uncompromising and head-on comic who will deal with issues that are sexist or sizeist with a ‘no holds barred’, razor sharp wit. Andy Robinson has been a star at the Glee for the last 6 years. See the facing page for further details on this event. 8pm. £13.

Saturday12/11

Sunday13/11

Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul and .fun Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday.

9pm - 2am.

Delinquent @ Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) £4/3 10pm – 2.30am.

Tom And Viv @ Sherman Theatre Cardiff Little Theatre Company presents a controversial play challenges the accepted and dominant views of TS Eliot's pained relationship with Vivienne Haigh-Wood. £5-7.

Live @ Barfly Arab Strap / My Latest Novel. It’s would be easy to think of Arab Strap purely as despairing, soured, even downright miserable wretches. In many ways they are. 7.30pm. £8.

Pick Of The Day Live @ CIA Taste of Chaos Tour: The Used / Story Of The Year / Killswitch Engage / Rise Against / Funeral For A Friend. Punk, metal, harcore, screamo. You name any type of alternative music and it will probably be ripped through, kicked, and then spat on tonight. With four highly successful bands within their genres, it should be well worth heading down to if you can still get a ticket. Call the CIA to book tickets.

Pick Of The Day Live @ SU Starsailor. They’re back with a new album, and you guys and girls will get to hear it tonight. 7pm. £16.50.

Xpress Radio @ 87.9FM Our DJs will be broadcasting on FM daily for the next 2 weeks. Check out the breakfast show at 9am.

Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case the wrong ones.

MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

Pub Quiz @ Woodville Yet another Sunday night quiz to ponder over.7pm.

Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1.

Hamlet @ New Theatre Wales Theatre Company: A country prepares for war. A 24 hour round the clock arms race. Just the moment for a ghost to tell you that your father was murdered by the guy in charge - your uncle! That'll put a spoke in the wheel of the war machine. It'll all end in tears... and a conquering army.

7.30pm. £FREE. Live @ Barfly Boy Kill Boy / Oversol / Vatican DC. The band infuses keyboard sounds in a way that is similar to the Killers or the early days of Supergrass, with their own flair. 7.30pm. £6 Hip Hound Lounge@CF10 Featuring Michael's Breakfast. If original, well conceived and highly charged jazz funk from this bold South Wales outfit gets you droolling, you should probably go, and see a doctor. Droolling can’t be natural. 8pm. £3 (£2 Jazz Soc members) The Fourth Chair@The Social Improvised comedy entertainment.7.30pm. £FREE.

Thursday10/11 Pick Of The Day Live @ SU Dizzee Rascal. See the facing page for further details.10pm. £10.

Devious @ Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese.

Does exactly what it say on the tin, with drinks being cheaper than a bag of McCains. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night.

And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late.

8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Forecast Presents: A Hawk And A Hacksaw / Drone. Barnes has accumulated fragments of ethnic folk dialects from seemingly every region on the atlas, and now as ringleader of A Hawk and a Hacksaw he ambitiously attempts to fuse these varied tongues into a unified, coherent vocabulary. 7pm.£5 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Partyline / Spider And The Web / The Physicists Armed with politics, punk and a penchant for partying (and sharing phone lines), they party on vigilantly against boredom, the Bush regime and body control. Girls with glasses, they’ll squash you like a bug! 7pm. £5.

Live @ Barfly The Like / Fortune Drive / Kendall. The Like formed in 2001 in Los Angeles, when best friends Charlotte Froom and Tennessee Jane Bunny Thomas met Z Berg and found the voice and songs they had been looking for. 7.30pm. £5.

Comedy @ St. David’s Hall Patrick Kielty. The Irish funny-man come Celebʼ’ Love Island presenter brings his brand new stand-up show to St. David’s Hall for you all to enjoy. 7.30pm. £12.

VENUES

Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com , Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 , 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Castle Street 02920 252024 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Park Place 02920 412190 St. Mary Street 02920645464 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com

IMG Sport

Page 36

November 7 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST English netball race to second place

PLEASE NOTE: LAST WEEK’S FOOTBALL WAS POSTPONED DUE TO WATERLOGGED PITCHES

By Dave Menon IMG Sport Editor

Photo by Charis Simpson

IMG Netball

GET IN: Jenny Evans strikes again for English Sat 5 Nov

IMG Netball Fixtures:

Socsi A 9 - 11 English Soc Medics B 3 - 7 S’fellows A Christ Union 7 - 7 Socsi B Pharmacy B 1 - 25 Medics A

Wed 9 Nov Economics S’fellows B Pharmacy A Law A

IMG Netball

Take note of the fixtures below.

Matches continue as normal this week and the postponed games will be played at the end of the first phase.

ENGLISH SOCIETY roared to second of Group One with a comprehensive 14-2 victory over Christian Union on Wednesday.

IMG Netball Results:

IMG NETBALL TABLES ROUND 3

3 - 12 Carbs A 7 - 9 Gym Gym 4 - 17 Carbs B 9 - 30 Cardiff A

Socsi A 24 - 4 Socsi B Christ Union 2 - 14 English Soc Pharmacy B 1 - 9 S’fellows A Medics B 4 - 13 Medics A

Sat 5 Nov

Chem Soc v Cardiff B Engin Girls v Dynamo Tigers Optometry v Law B German Soc v SAWSA

Wed 9 Nov Christ Union v Medics B Socsi A v Pharmacy B English Soc v Medics A Socsi B v S’fellows A German Soc v Optometry Cardiff B v Law B SAWSA v Dynamo Tigers Chemsoc v Engin Girls

IMG Football Fixtures: Real Madras v Cardiff Uni Automotive v Psycho Ath. Zoology v Japsoc Law A v AFC Euros Gym Gym v Inter Me-Nan Myg Myg v Dragons Real Havanna v Chemsoc AFC Cathays v Economics Hurricanes v AFC Momed Architecture v Pharm AC Ab Fantastic v Arse’Alona Dynamo Cen v Plan’kos Dental Utd v Euro Lang Law B v Carbs Locomotive v English Soc JOMEC v AFC History

IMG Netball

TEAMS OF THE WEEK FOOTBALL: Real Betis for finally beating Chelsea.

NETBALL: Medics A, English Society and Carbs A for winning their first three games. * Deducted 3 pts for not having umpire who completed Q award

IMG REF FARCE AU-GHT TO BE SORTED

By Paul Hunt IMG Sport Reporter SPORT WITHOUT CONTROVERSY would not be the spectacle it is. It would force lazy cliché spouting journalists, like myself, to do actual work, something I find abhorrent.

Sport

November 7 2005

Page 37

sport@gairrhydd.com

Photo: Adam Gasson

VICTORY WITH SWEET SIXTEEN

By Jon Berridge Chief rugby correspondent Cardiff 1st XV Oxford Brookes

16 10

FLY-HALF Tom Eastham and lively full-back Matt Hopper were instrumental as Cardiff defeated Oxford Brookes to secure their second BUSA win of the season.

It was Brookes, however, who took the lead in the fifth minute with a penalty kick. Cardiff responded immediately. After missing his first kick, Tom Eastham levelled the scores with a penalty. This was the start of an assured display from the Cardiff Flyhalf. Having only switched to ten from Scrum-half this season, Eastham controlled much of the game with his defensive and attacking kicking. His goal-kicking was excellent and this was emphasised minutes later when he converted another penalty following a dangerous break from Matt Hopper.

Cardiff continued to press forward and were rewarded in the twenty-fifth minute with a try. After Iain Dick was held up on the try line, Matt Hopper proceeded to finish off with a try after showing quick feet to break through the Oxford defence. Eastham made the score 13-3 three after stroking over the difficult conversion. After playing at centre last week, Hopper revelled in his customary full-back position. With ball in hand he regularly beat several Oxford players with his pace and when called upon in defence he cleared the ball from danger.

VICTORY: Swansea forgotten

The powerful Cardiff pack overwhelmed their opponents with an imperious display. The Oxford Brookes forwards struggled throughout and as a result their backs were starved of good ball. On thirty minutes another turnover led to Tom Eastham slotting over an arduous penalty.

With the match seemingly slipping from their grasp, Oxford fashioned a try from a driving maul after sustained pressure on the stroke of half time to make the score sixteen ten to Cardiff.

Both teams struggled to impose themselves in a turgid second half where no further points were added.

The Cardiff defence withstood pressure from Oxford who frequently sought points from unsuccessful drop goals.

Cardiff coach Martin Fowler was pleased with the result: ‘Winning ugly doesn’t matter but we need to learn to control games. Once we do that we’ll be very threatening.’ Captain Tom Hockin saw the win as a huge step in the sides BUSA campaign and is looking forward greatly to next week’s match away to Oxford University.

Tries: M Hopper Conversions: T Eastham Penalties: T Eastham (3)

Cardiff’s seventh Heaven Cardiff Ladies’ 1st X 7 Exeter Ladies’ 2nd XI 0 CARDIFF RECORDED their second win of the Western Conference 1A season with a dominant 7 - 0 defeat of Exeter 2nds at Talybont.

From the push-back, Cardiff dominated the midfield and made their possession count in the early stages, as a cross from Amelia Williams was converted at the back post by Sophie Blair, after the ball was cut back from the base line.

Throughout the first half, both teams struggled to stamp their authority on the game. Passes went astray and promising moves were continually breaking down in the final third of the pitch. Defender Kirsty Bickhole in particular was key in the Exeter defence.

However, the defence was eventually breached for the second time with ten minutes to go before half time. A shot from Tamara Fateh was tapped in from close range by Claire Davies to

make it 2 - 0.

The visitors nearly pulled back a goal seconds before half time as a counter-attack by the Exeter righthalf Carly Irvine produced a scoring chance for Liz Cowan, but she slammed her shot wide from ten yards out.

Photo: Charis Simpson

By George Pawley Sport Reporter

HOCKEY GIRLS: Demolition job

Cardiff finally started to reveal their potential after the break, scoring 5 goals in a basically uncontested second half full of chances as spaces opened up all over the pitch.

Captain Becky Wheeler made it three-nil after a swift move up the pitch and the game was put beyond

doubt in the 45th minute. A skilful dribble and reverse stick strike from the exceptional Fateh was bundled over the line, despite a good block from the Exeter goalkeeper.

Fateh was making all the play for the home side. She showed brilliant balance and close control to cut open

By Gareth Owen Hockey reporter Marjons Men’s 1st XI Cardiff Men’s 1st XI

4 2

CARDIFF LOST for the first time in over a year on Wednesday, a result that already puts them behind in the title race.

The match started brightly enough with Cardiff scoring an early goal through Duncan Courtney. A well-rehearsed short corner move left the opposition defence with no chance.

Marjons were quick to react though, as they levelled through a short corner of their own, a pass out wide being turned in on the post.

Cardiff were stunned and sloppy defending soon led to another Marjons goal. Another came towards the end of the half, a reverse volley beating goalie Ian Ferguson.

Cardiff were forced into switching formation to a more standard 44-2 system and it paid dividends as Cardiff got a goal back with Martyn Freshman finishing off the best move of the game. Half-time was a reality check for the Cardiff players as they tried to come to terms with a situation that they had not faced in a long time.

The second half was a more even contest, as Cardiff gradually improved and started to dominate, but unfortunately the Marjons defence were well marshalled and kept them at bay. Big performances from Tony Gough and Dave Hanna were unable to turn the tide and as Cardiff took more risks in search of an equaliser they wee hit on the counter attack, conceding a fourth goal which effectively ended the contest, coming late in the half. the Exeter defence, providing an assist for Amelia Williams to score Cardiff ’s fifth.

Superior fitness was beginning to tell as Cardiff continued to press forward in a high tempo second half. A long through ball was controlled by Laura Ferguson, who found forward Sophie Blair in the area to slot home her second of the match. Blair then rounded off the rout, completing her hat-trick after capitalising on a defensive mistake.

The scoreline was a fair reflection of Cardiff ’s penetrating build-up play and finishing. The only concern was that of 5 short-corners in the match, no real scoring chances were fashioned, and this area of the game could be crucial in the later stages of the season.

Cardiff now lie second in their BUSA league on goal difference, and take on mid-table Southampton in a fortnight’s time.

Coach Mark Hopkins was pleased with Cardiff ’s efforts, commenting, ‘It was a good victory against an organised side, and 12 goals in 2 home games so far show we are playing exciting hockey.’

Sport

Page 38

November 7 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

Men’s firsts lucky to hang on

By Steve Myerscough Football reporter Cardiff Men’s 1st XI 3 Swansea Men’s 1st XI 2 CARDIFF’S FIRST XI survived a late comeback from local rivals Swansea second XI to win this BUSA fixture. Cardiff seem to be developing a habit for a 3-2 victories, as all three games this season have finished with Cardiff the right side of a five-goal thriller.

PHOTO: ADAM GASSON

With a two goal lead the result looked inevitable

Late on, Clifford got himself stupidly sent off SLOPPY: Let lead slip

Exciting finish to Cardiff golfers left swinging in the rain snooker Open final

By Billy Hemstock Golf reporter CARDIFF GOLF seconds’ unbeaten run came to an end with a narrow defeat at the hands of an impression Bournemouth squad, in extreme weather conditions on Wednesday.

By Craig Smith Snooker reporter

MANOS PASPATIS saw off the challenge of a 19-strong field to win the Pot Black Open last weekend, overcoming the challenge of newcomer Andy Kusiak in the final 2-1.

JOHNSON MEMORIAL MATCH

Momed 05/06 v Momed old boys Blackweir pitches 2pm, Saturday 12 November MOMED are to hold a memorial game for former captain Matt Johnson who died recently.

Sport

November 7 2005

Page 39

sport@gairrhydd.com

HARD TO SWALLOW Cardiff Ladies’ 1st XV UWIC Ladies’ 1st XV

Photo: Adam Gasson

By Holly Cooke Rugby reporter 0 40

CARDIFF LADIES’ Rugby 1st team played their most challenging match of the season this week against reigning champions UWIC. The first try of the match was scored less than one minute into the game when the UWIC No.8 stormed through the Cardiff line of defence.

Another try was scored only minutes after by UWIC’s 10, making the score 10-0 early on.

UWIC were then awarded a penalty-try as Cardiff failed to get back after an infringement near the try line and purposely tried to tackle the UWIC 9.

Lock Ruth Osborne then incurred a bloody nose as she was elbowed in the face after charging the ball from the kick-off, forcing her off the pitch momentarily. UWIC’s fourth and fifth tries followed before the half time whistle.

During the second half less tries were conceded as Cardiff raised their level of play. Cardiff spent a large proportion of time in UWIC’s half of the pitch and were looking close to scoring on several occasions.

Unfortunately none of it came to fruition, leaving the full-time score at 40-0 to UWIC.

CHIN UP: Thumping from that lot up the road

Swansea: clock-fiddlers Swansea Men 62 Cardiff Men 51

AFTER SUFFERING two successive defeats at home to UWIC and a crushing 95-53 reverse away at UWE in Bristol last week, the Cardiff men’s basketball team were unable to take out their frustrations against fierce local rivals Swansea.

A controversial 62-51 away defeat condemned the Cardiff men’s team to their third successive defeat.

The visitors made a bright start and the game was pretty even until the third-quarter when the officials began to notice that Swansea were calculating the score very dubiously, allowing the clock to run when it should have been stopped.

Outraged at this apparent poor sportsmanship from the home team, Cardiff lost control, allowing Swansea to sneak ahead and eventually cement an eleven-point margin of victory.

Captain Dafydd Bowen scored 20 points and singled out Patrik Kalmbach for praise. However, Bowen will hope that other individual performances will improve in the wake of another setback.

If Cardiff are to remain in the Division 1A Western Conference, they need to repeat this form and turn their losing streak around as quickly as possible.

PHOTO: Charis Simpson

By Amy Williamsft Basketball reporter

Cardiff were outraged with Swansea’s poor sportsmanship Speaking after the match he said that even though his side were a bit unorganised, he was gutted to lose to Swansea of all teams and fully expected to gain revenge by beating them when they come to visit later in the season in the return fixture.

LOVE SPORT? THEN COME and get involved by writing about it in the gair rhydd.

Call into our 4th floor offices in the students union or email us at

sport@gairrhydd.com NETBALL FIRSTS: Pipped at the post

Continued from back page

Leading half-time 26-25 Cardiff looked the more asserted of the two sides, exhibiting some impeccably executed close control plays, but, again, failing to pull away.

Eager to build on a deserved lead, Cardiff raised the tempo. But with Bath eager to claw back into the match, the away side exposed Cardiff under pressure, seizing over ambitious passes and snatching lose rebounds.

For all their pressure Cardiff’s lead was never more than four and as Bath’s relentless efforts exposed holes in the home side’s defence, the last quarter of the game was poised on a knife edge.

With only minutes left Bath started to launch hopeful balls forward, and whilst Cardiff continued to retaliate at the other end, the match was soon level.

Defeated by a single Brunel basket in the season’s opening fixture, heads lolled in disbelief as the final shot of the match sank into the net and a clear cut opportunity to defeat the champions had sadly been squandered.

Cardiff: S Vaughan, R Buse, S Armstrong, C Jenkins, K Jones, B Gatley, S Lyons.

Spor t ga i r

BASKETBALL: Controversy as Cardiff lose at Swansea Page 39

FOOTBALL: Men’s PLUS: Snooker, 1st XI hang on for ladies’ rugby, vital home win golf, hockey and much more Page 38 Page 37 - 39

LEFT OUT TO DRY Cardiff netball hopes down the drain as Bath sink last-gasp winner CARDIFF BATH

By Samuel Strang Sport Reporter REIGNING BUSA champions Bath left it late to gain the spoils against a commanding Cardiff performance. As the last shot of the game hung in the air and advanced towards the basket, it was a brutal awakening to a Cardiff side that had maintained a lead for the majority of the game.

Both teams opened with direct aggressive plays but having capitalised on various forced errors it was Cardiff who made the stronger

46 47 start, quickly accumulating a three point advantage. Cardiff continued to press hard throughout the first quarter but Bath relentlessly held onto the home side, taking any opportunities to regularly draw back level.

Setting the pace of the game, Cardiff were in their element, with captain Carys Jenkins and WingAttack Sophie Armstrong, showcasing exceptional vision, constantly opening up opportunities for Sophie Vaughan and Rosie Buse, who formidably towered over the opposition’s defence.

PHOTO: Charis Simpson GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY NO ED JONES IN RUBBER DUCK THIS WEEK: SORELY MISSED SEXUAL INNUENDO IN EVERY HEADLINE: WE ARE TURNING INTO THE WE ONLY BLOODY WON DIDN’T WE OH YEAH, AND BEST MAG! 1 PAGE IN 6 HOURS: MENON SETS NEW BEST TIME DAVE MENON: LEGEND SWANSEA DONT JUST FIDDLE CLOCKS ED PUNCHES ABOVE HIS WEIGHT: FACT NEWSDESK UPSET SPORT WITH ‘NOT WELSH ONE’ COMMENT TIM WITH XANDRIA: NOT A PRETTY SIGHT YORK

Tuesday

November 7 -13 2005

Page 27

television@gairrhydd.com

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 MPs' Outtakes 21.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Swiss Toni 24.00 The Mighty Boosh 24.30 Funland 01.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Swiss Toni 02.55 The Brothers 03.55 Close I had only gotten so far before i realized that I didn't know braille, and was instead just putting periods and colons beneath everything I wrote. the braille translation was not really that helpful anyway as I would have had to raise small bumps on my car, and I don't think i am ready for that level of car modification quite yet. When I am, though, I am going to get a giant spoiler on my old Honda, and it is going to say BRAILLE TYPE on the sides! Except it won't say it in letters, they'll be raised bumps, so you can only read it if you are blind.

19.00 Cousin 19.05 Great Railway Journeys 20.00 The World 20.30 The Sky at Night 21.00 Film: "O" 22.30 Storyville: Liberia - An Uncivil War 23.40 Richard II 03.05 Storyville: Liberia - An Uncivil War 04.15 Close and it won't have bass speakers, but it will have little treble speakers all over which play morse code! I know that blind people don't necessarily all know morse code, but the sound of Morse code is so intimidating. I will roll up next to some glossy truck with shiny rims, blasting morse code, and rev my engine, and the guy will get all riled up for a second, but then when he sees that the car is a tribute to blind people, he will think I don't know where I am going, and refuse to race me! EAT MY BRAILLE YOU HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT!!! So I hope this article has piqued your interest in visual disability, which is a real concern for web designers. If you are making web pages, you will probably need some help in figuring out how to make them accessible to people who are disabled. found a good site which deals with

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 60 Minute Makeover 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline USA Lost in Translation 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Sally and Don's First Kiss 7:30 Spin City Smile 8:00 The Xtra Factor: Best and Worst Auditions 9:00 FILM: About a Boy 11:00 The Frank Skinner Show 0:05 3rd Rock from the Sun Sally and Don's First Kiss 0:35 Spin City Smile 1:00 The Ricki Lake Show 1:45 Teleshopping 4:45 ITV2 Nightscreen respect to web design! here is the url for the site: .:...:.:.:.::.:..:.:::.:.: OH GOD I'M GOING TO GET HIT BY A BUS. Okay. Ididn’t write this. It was written very well by a guy called Drew who does drawings and writing and music and has a website at the following address: www.toothpastefordinner.com. I recommend you go there.

Just Shoot Me C4 8.00am

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With The Backstreet Boys 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Celebrity Threesome 1:00 Hijacked By Roll Deep 2:00 Scrubs: My Faith In Humanity 2:30 Scrubs: My Drive-By 3:00 Playing It Straight Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With Rachel's Phone Number 5:30 Friends 6:00 Scrubs: My Faith In Humanity 6:30 Scrubs: My Drive-By 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With Rachel's Phone Number 8:30 Friends: The One With Christmas In Tulsa 9:00 Without A Trace: Party Girl 10:00 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 10:30 Rock School 11:00 The 7 Stupidest Things To Escape From 12:05 8 Out Of 10 Cats 12:40 Without A Trace: Party Girl 1:35 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 2:05 Rock School 2:35 8 Out Of 10 Cats 3:00 No Angels 4:00 Playing It Straight Usa 4:40 Switched 5:00 Fool Around...

With The Cheeky Girls

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06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.45 Hi-5 09.20 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "Can't Be Heaven" 15.35 five news update 15.40 Film: "More Than Meets the Eye: The Joan Brock Story" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away I smeared out the whole thing with the palm of my hand, and wrote I WISH MY WIFE WERE COVERED IN GRIME WHICH ONLY RINSED OFF IN HEAVY RAINS next to the smear mark. Much better! I thought. (Fortunately, my car is extremely dirty, which makes for high contrast should someone want to write on the side by removing some of the grime in the shape of letters!) then, I added a braille translation below it, the best i could manage! .: .:..:: .. .:.:.:.:: .:..: ETC 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Tim Marlow on…

Rousseau 20.00 Hannibal of the Alps: Revealed 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI:NY 23.00 Law and Order 23.55 Fifth Gear 24.55 The Dead Zone 01.35 NBA Basketball 04.40 USPGA Golf

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6:00 Grabbit The Rabbit6:10 The Hoobs: Waking Up 6:35 The Hoobs: Exploring 7:00 B47:25 Friends: The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner 8:00 Just Shoot Me: How The Finch Stole Christmas 8:25 Will & Grace: The Accidental Tsuris8:50 Frasier: Where There's Smoke There's Fired9:20 Supporting Acts9:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show9:55 Hardeep Does: Sex 10:20 Bricking It 11:10 The Market 11:35 From The Top 2: Bruce Oldfield 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip1:00 Sweet Tooth: A Spoonful Of Sugar1:10 49th Parallel3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival I was aghast! Why would a person write such a thing on my car?! I licked my finger, and washed out the word WAS, and wrote WERE beneath it. I wish my wife were this dirty, in the subjunctive mood! Much better, I thought, and went to get in the car. But then I realized, this message is not specific! If I am going to have a slogan on my car, I want it to be clear in its purpose and strident in its goals!

6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: Look For Me 8:00 Property Ladder Revisited 9:00 Make Me A Million 10:00 The Spy Who Conned Me 11:05 Madonna 12:30 On The Road With Oasis 2005 12:45 S1m0ne 2:55 Headphone Girl 3:00 Kumbh Mela: Nell's Story 4:00 Health & Social Care: Stressed Out 4:25 Real Science 4:50 Looking After The Penneys 5:15 Science In Focus Special

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6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Am I Married to the World's Worst Husband?

10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Crash Course 3:30 Pocoyo Drummer Boy 3:35 SpongeBob SquarePants The Nasty Patty 3:50 MOM's Name That Tone 4:00 Jungle Run 4:30 My Parents are Aliens Million Dollar Harry 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale “oh thank God I'm at the guitar store," your chance of getting run over by a bus increases by one percent. That's not a lot, but if you do it a hundred times, you are screwed! Stay off the sidewalk!!! Anyway I was in this trashy strip mall for a while, checking out the latest designs in horrible guitars, and then I walked back out to my car, because I do not really need a bad guitar made out of plywood in china! I had walked up to the door and had my keys out, ready to unlock the door, when I saw written on the side of the car: I WISH MY WIFE WAS THIS DIRTY!!

7:30 Your Century Prestatyn 8:00 My Husband's Secret Life: Real Families 9:00 Trial and Retribution The Lovers 10:30 ITV News 11:00 Wales World of Rugby 0:00 Numb3rs Vector 1:00 Orange Playlist 1:20 FILM: Subway Stories: 2:35 Nanny McPhee Warts and All 2:55 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3:55 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News

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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Watch My Chops 7:25 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Really Wild Show 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Something Special 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 House Detectives 10:30 See You, See Me 10:50 Primary History: Snapshots 11:10 The Lost Palace of Hampton Court: A Meet the Ancestors Special 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Pod's Mission 1:15 Pod's Mission 1:30 FILM: The Sky's the Limit 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads ...and outside every store next to the door there is a little plaque with the name of the store, and some braille underneath. And of course, at the guitar store, it says GUITAR STORE .::.:.:... .:.:::. so blind people will know where to get their guitars! I think this is eminently useful, because if I were blind, I would probably just play the guitar all day. One thing you may not know is that every time you go up to one of these public plaques, close your eyes 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 How to Rescue a House 7:30 Wild Autumn with Bill Oddie 8:00 Mastermind 9:00 The Princess and Panorama 10:00 Supernova 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Panorama 12:15am: Joins BBC News 24 4:00 Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision Maths 2

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Uncharted Territory 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Trading Up 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Paul finds Izzy, but is forced to bow to her new demands. Sky and Dylan get closer as the ban ends. Steph's behaviour becomes oddly secretive 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Watch My Chops 4:05 Best of Friends 4:30 Patrick's Planet 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Watchdog This column will be in braille for the sight-impaired!! ..::.:. .: :.: :.:: :.. No, it is a lie, I am very sorry! I wish I knew braille so I could translate my writing for the blind, but I was sick during that week of school. I think I was sick a lot as a child, because it seems I was also sick during the week of school where they would have taught me to value education and to not steal office supplies! I thought of the braille thing because I went to the guitar store. It is a small place in a strip mall...

7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City 9:00 The Last Tommy 10:00 BBC News 10:35 ONE Life 11:15 Medium 11:55 FILM: Out of Bounds 1:30am: Sign Zone: See Hear 2:15 Sign Zone: War at the Door 2:45 Sign Zone3:15 Sign Zone: Natural World 4:05 Joins BBC News 24

Just Shoot Me C4 8.00am

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Just Shoot Me C4 8.00am

Just Shoot Me C4 8.00am

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10the Hoobs: Fly Away 06:35the Hoobs: Gloves 07:00 B4 07:30friends: The One With The Tiny T-Shirt 08:00just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace 08:50 frasier: Adventures Of Bad Boy And Dirty Girl 09:20 waterstories 09:30the Deadly Knowledge Show 09:55 the Cutting Club 10:45don't Make Me Angry 11:10the Market 11:35campyfan 12:00news At Noon 12:30planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Peppa Pinc 12:55 Syniad Miss Fach Ardderchog 13:00 Triongl 13:15 Supporting Acts 13:20 tales From The Grave: Mystery Of The Barber Surgeon 13:55 the View From River Cottage 14:25 deal Or No Deal 15:15 countdown 16:00planed Plant 16:00 O Na! Y Morgans 16:25top Yr Ysgol 16:50 Ffeil 17:00richard & Judy 18:00the Simpsons: A Tale Of Two Springfields 18:30 darn O Dir 19:00wedi 7 19:30 newyddion 20:00pobol Y Cwm 20:25y Byd Ar Bedwar 21:00ar Y Lein 21:30ar Doriad Gwawr 22:30 emyn Roc A Rôl 23:15 grand Designs 00:15the Spy Who Conned Me

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