gair rhydd - Issue 799

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As we look towards next weeks 800th edition, Grab get set to give away the trip of a lifetime to New Zealand

ISSUE 799 November 14 2005

Jobs & Money investigate how to stay fraud free as identity theft continues to effect the lives of students PAGE 18

NEXT WEEK

DUCK OFF FEES: Students take to the streets to fight top-up fees in Wales (main picture). BELOW: The wealth of anti-fees publicity from last year’s campaign

CONFUSION REIGNS

By Caroline Farwell News Editor STUDENTS IN Wales are unaware of their future financial security because of increasing confusion surrounding the introduction of top-up fees.

Students have been left unsure as to how much they will be expected to pay when the Welsh Assembly eventually decide on funding policies for universities in Wales.

At a rally last week, the National Union of Students (NUS) renewed concerns over top-up fees and Earlier this year, opposition parties in the Assembly forced through a vote against top-up fees, ending what First Minister Rhodri Morgan called a ‘cloud of uncertainty’ over funding.

Janet Ryder, Assembly Member for North Wales, said: “The commitment we made not to introduce top-up fees during

this assembly term [ending April 2007] was the best we could do at the time.

“The higher education system should not be a market place, everyone should have the same level of opportunity. Things seem better since the removal of the upfront-fees system, but so many students are unaware of the debt that they will be in by the end of university.”

Despite the assembly’s vote that top-up fees were wrong ‘in principal’, a motion was passed in June this year introducing deferred tuition fees in Wales.

The government said its manifesto commitments rule out any top-up fees in the academic year 2006/07, but the new motion allows Welsh universities to charge top-up fees of up to £3,000 from 2007.

Students living in Wales will only have to pay a fee of £1,200, that will be deferred until after graduation and the rest will be paid by the Assembly.

Welsh students studying in Wales will

also receive a £1,800 fee remission grant.

Cardiff Central AM Jenny Randerson said: “I greatly regret that we are not legally able to give non-Welsh students help, but it would present a difficult financial issue. Currently we need to address the difference of funding between England and Wales.

“I recommend to English domiciles studying here to be onto their MPs to lobby the government.”

There are still several parts of the funding policy that are yet to be finalised by the Assembly, adding to the confusion for Welsh students. For example, students pursuing courses not available in Welsh universities, such as vetinary science, remain uncertain as to what assistance they can receive.

The Assembly says it is still investigating this issue, along with possible schemes to provide support for part-time students in Wales.

Students unsure about the implications of forthcoming fees “What do I know about the top-up fees situation? Jack all.

Diddley-squat.”

Abu Sadikot, third-year Dentistry student

News

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news@gairrhydd.com

At

a B U R G L A R O F F glance 1 7 8 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 21 29 30 33

EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN Colm Loughlin HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson SUB-EDITORS Charlotte White, Holly Marshall PROOF READERS Rebecca Hunt, Sarah Crosbie, Jemma Griffiths, Emily Knightley, Fatima BibiMannam CONTRIBUTORS Helen Roxburgh, Kate Thomas, Adam Millward, Emily Woodrow, Chris Warlow, Jonathan Duggan, Lindle Markwell, Charlotte Stonebridge, Huw Thomas, Natalie Parkinson, Andrew Rennison, Edward Vanstone, Richard Lilly, James Lewis, Bethan James, Tim Hewish, Rachel Owen, Kathryn Harries, Elis Gomer, Lydia James, Morgan Evans, Paul Hunt, Amy Williams, Richard Jeffries, Andrew Bishop, Jon Berridge, Charlotte White, George Pawley, Gareth Owen, Dan Goddard, James Perou, Robert Blackmore, Steven Doore, Alex Witcomb ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union

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Council launches new saftey campaign to raise rights awareness PHOTO: James Perou

November 14 2005 News Geordie Editorial & Opinion Letters Media Politics Taf Od Health Grab!

Science/Environment Dear Amber Jobs & Money Television Five Min Fun Listings Sport

By Helen Roxburgh Reporter THE CARDIFF Community Safety Partnership is supporting a new safety campaign launched by the government, advising residents on how to stay safe in their homes.

A leaflet is being distributed by the Home Office to raise awareness of the rights that inhabitants have to defend themselves against burglars.

This leaflet is a response to a tide of public concern over what type of force is lawful against intruders, and the Home Office have expressed their desire to reassure the public that the law is

on their side.

The Association of Chief Police Officers and the Crown Prosecution Service, who created the leaflet jointly, emphasise that the law allows you to use reasonable force to prevent an intruder from entering your home.

If you are in your own home, and fear for your own safety, the law does not require you to wait to be attacked before using defensive force.

The leaflet states that if acting in reasonable self-defence, and the intruder dies, then you have still acted lawfully.

However, if you appear to have acted with gratuitous or excessive force you could be prosecuted.

for Uni

Good

By Kate Thomas Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has moved up two places to number 19 in the Sunday Times table of 120 institutions.

The recent profile by the national newpaper has shown that Cardiff University impressively ranks eighth for employment prospects for graduates as well as eighth for staff-student ratio. It has also been voted the best university in Wales with Swansea

The leaflet also briefly explains how the CPS will respond to cases of force against intruders.

Recent figures show that almost 90% of crimes committed against students involve some kind of theft, and in 3 out of 10 cases of burglary, the intruder gained access through an open door or window, without having to use force.

Common sense safety measures include securing all doors and windows, having a working burglar alarm, and making sure there are no spare keys left ‘hidden’ outside the house.

The leaflet can be viewed online at www.cardiffcommunitysafety.co.uk, and is soon to be available at Canton Police Station.

University in second place.

It has been ranked in the top 10 for the number of applications it receives each year – this year the university received more than 35,000 applications for degree courses starting in 2005. Head teachers also rank Cardiff University in the top 20.

More than 20 subject areas at Cardiff, including education, civil engineering, history and English language, are listed as internationally excellent, and City and Regional

Planning is highlighted as achieving the “gold standard” as a centre of excellence for research.

A university spokesperson said: “It is always gratifying to be recognised in such guides and league tables.

However, the most significant endorsements are those we receive from our students, from our collaborators in industry, commerce and the public sector, and from independent quality assessments.”

The Sunday Times research found

that student satisfaction at Cardiff is highly rated at 71.8%. This relates to the quality of teaching, learning resources, assessment and feedback, academic support, personal development and overall satisfaction.

Third year Business Administration student Emily Dungey said: “In my experience, I cannot fault the university for the services it offers.

From lecture to the students’ union to support offered it has always exceeded my expectations.”

News

November 14 2005

L U THE A H L W A R C B U P

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STUDENTS: A-CLASS OF THEIR OWN

By Adam Millward Reporter A MAP and website of Cardiff pubs has been launched after one man completed his quest to drink his way through the capital.

Neil Moffatt, a 48-year-old excomputer programmmer from Roath, visited each of the 186 traditional Cardiff pubs at least twice in six months, after setting his goal in January this year.

10,000 copies of his route have been printed, and are now being sold in Cardiff‘s city centre.

He said: "Making the map was quite an education - it was a very good experience.

"When I was younger I used to go to the pub, but I’m not a big drinker and I don’t smoke.

"Because I work from home, I started to miss interacting with people and I suppose it was a bit soul-destroying.

"By doing this project, I found I had more social skills than I thought."

The website features all of Cardiff’s pubs with a photograph and write-up, including whether or not it has Sky Sports, karaoke, non-smoking areas, a pool table and car parking.

After completing the tour, Mr Moffatt declared the

By Emily Woodrow Reporter

Deri Inn, of Heol-y-Deri in Rhiwbina, his favourite overall.

"It is a very comfortable and pretty pub, which is very pleasant to sit in ," he said.

"I also enjoyed the Ty-Pwll Coch in Canton which has got two very good skittles alleys.

"The locals eyed me up a bit when I first went in, but it was one of those places where they turned out to be really friendly and they can’t do enough for you.

"I also really liked The Vulcan in Adamsdown, which still has sawdust on the floor and the original brown 19th Century urinals."

PHOTOS: Luke Pavey

By Chris Warlow Reporter THE NUS have held a protest with a difference outside the Welsh National Assembly building in Cardiff Bay. The protest, which took place last Tuesday, saw Students’ Unions from Welsh universities setting up mock market stalls outside the Assembly building, ‘selling’ degrees "as a symbol of the unfairness of the system where limited finances equals limited choice."

The protest marked the anniversary of the Assembly’s decision that variable top-up fees were, "in principal, wrong".

Cardiff did a Del-boy-style runner with their suitcase-for-a-stall, while Glamorgan’s team shouted: "Degrees for sale! Going cheap! Buy one get one free during the next half hour! (Prices are subject to change)."

Aberystwyth also sung an edited version of the Only Fools and Horses theme tune – "variable fees for courses just won’t work".

Owen John Thomas, Shadow Minister for Culture, the Welsh Language and Sport in Wales (Plaid Cymru), said: "It is a shame that we’ll have to introduce top-up fees, but you can see our position.

"England already has top-up fees, so because Wales doesn’t, we’re going to see an awful lot more English students coming over here to study, and where are we going to get all the funding from?"

He added: "We have to introduce variable fees or we wouldn’t meet the budget; we have

ONE IN eight young people are estimated to have used a class A drug at least once, according to the British Crime Survey.

Over a million young people are estimated to have tried drugs i n c l u d i n g Heroine, Cocaine and even Ecstasy.

The percentage of 16-24 year olds who admit to having taken Cocaine over the past year has risen from 3.1% in 1998 to just fewer than 5%, with the estimated number of users today in England and Wales rising to almost 755,000.

The medical anaesthetic drug Ketamine is also rapidly becoming a popular option for clubbers around

the UK. However, the use of Cannabis among under 25-year-olds has fallen, with only 23.5% users now compared to 24.8% in 2003-4. This still means that roughly 3,364,000 young people are choosing to take Cannabis.

In general, the proportion of young people who admitted to having used any kind of drug in the previous year has decreased from 27.8% to 26.3% which is seen a sign of good progress.

But worries remain as the figures stay worryingly high.

For more information or help on beating drug abuse visit www.talktofrank.com or call 0800 77 66 00, 24 hours a day for free and confidential advice.

to make concessions that [students] will agree National Assembly government conclude that variable tuition fees are, in principal, wrong.’ on."

Bec Corn, President of Aberystwyth We are here today to remind the Assembly and University’s Guild of Students, argued: "We the government of those words. A lot of things recognise that progress has been made, but can change in a year."

The first AM to take the stand, Lib. Dem. there’s a lot left to do, and we need to know Peter Black, said: "We are currently looking at what you’re going to do a report detailing the differences between about it." higher education funding in England and AM Thomas replied: "I Wales. It is after we finish doing this acknowledge that that we will be able to do changes are needed. But something." for things to be fair, for Sarah Brown commented on funding per student to the success of the event: "It’s be equalled with great to see the effort that everyEngland, we need body went to – some of these stalls UK-wide agreeare fantastic, and people came ment." despite of the bad weather."

Sarah Brown, A c t i n g President of NUS Wales, led the four key speeches addressing the entire event. She said: "We fight for a system which allows students to study wherever they want, on their academic ability and their desire to study, and not on the size of their bank balance.

"A year ago the Assembly passed a motion, saying: ‘The EAGER: Protesting by the Welsh Assembly

News

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IT WAS THE SUN WOT DUNNIT

The Sun hijack Cardiff Professor’s iconic image from 7/7 to promote their own political agenda

By Jonathan Duggan Reporter A CARDIFF University Professor has hit back at he Sun newspaper for inappropriate use of his image.

Professor John Tulloch, who was severely injured in the London suicide bombings, was splashed across last Tuesday's front page next to the headline 'Tell Tony He's Right'.

He says that the Murdoch-owned tabloid had not asked him about his views on terror laws before publishing

the piece - if they had, he claims, he would have expressed his disgust at the proposed legislation.

"I am totally offended by what the Sun has done. Rather than just depriving me of a voice, they have given me somebody else’s voice. Blair’s voice", he said.

"This is using my image to push through draconian and utterly unnecessary terror legislation.

"It's incredibly ironic that the Sun's rhetoric is as the voice of the people yet they don't actually ask the people

involved, the victims, what they think.

"If you want to use my image, the words coming out of my mouth would be, 'Not in my name, Tony'.

"I haven’t read anything or seen anything in the past few months to convince me these laws are necessary."

Professor Tulloch, who holds professorships at both Cardiff and Brunel University, was travelling towards the Welsh capital on the morning of the London bombings on the Edgware Road train.

Universities terror-fied

by Blair’s new rules SPEAKING OUT: In Welsh

Keepers of the language

By Lindle Markwell Reporter WELSH LANGUAGE activists are vowing to continue their campaign of direct action as nine of their members face court cases for criminal damage.

Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg (the Welsh Language Society) is calling for tighter regulation of the Welsh language amongst businesses and voluntary organisations so that it’s placed on an equal par with English.

But tensions have been raised after the latest incident, where an arrested woman was apparently denied the option of signing a document in Welsh because of what police termed an ‘IT problem’.

Mari Stuart of Barry claims the denial of her right to Welsh language forms led to her detention when she would otherwise have been released with a warning.

In a statement Ms Stuart said: “The police have behaved abominably.”

She’ll now appear before Cardiff Magistrates later this month charged with criminal damage.

A spokesman for South Wales Police said Ms Stuart was interviewed in Welsh and that the lack of Welsh-language documents was down to a computer error.

He added that the matter will be investigated.

By Jonathan Duggan Reporter AS THE House of Commons reject Tony Blair’s proposals on the amendment of terror laws, universities are wondering how new counter-terrorism legislation will affect the way subjects are taught.

Last week, the House of Commons rejected a bill proposed by the cabinet that would allow the police to detain terrorist suspects for up to a maximum of 90 days.

In an interview, Mr Blair said: “I think it was a wrong decision - I just hope in a longer time we don’t rue it.”

MPs voted against the move by 322 to 291, with 49 of Blair’s own Labour MPs rebelling, including Julie Morgan, the MP for Cardiff North.

After the cabinet’s defeat, a compromise proposal was submitted by a Labour backbencher to allow detention of up to 28 days, this motion was carried with 323 voting for, a majority of 33.

Following recent changes in legislation and last week’s controversial defeat for Tony Blair, many UK universities are left concerned that vague laws will prohibit the teaching of certain areas and that current practices will be deemed criminal activities.

Professor Drummond Bone, the President of Universities UK said in a statement: “We have grave concerns that certain elements of the terrorism bill might cut across academic freedoms.”

However Bill Rammell, the Government’s Minister for Higher Education said in a statement that only those engaged in terrorist acts would be vulnerable to prosecution.

“The key proposal is the intention of the person who acts, or their statements seems to incite others to commit acts of terrorism. I don’t think within that context that there is anything legitimate academic freedom has to fear.”

BLAIR: Taking the right steps?

Uni joins fair gayme

By Lindle Markwell Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has taken the lead as Wales’ first University and employer to join a gay rights forum for employers.

The forum, Stonewall Diversity Champions Cymru, aims to set up a network of employers who to promote lesbian, bisexual and gay (LBG) equality in the workplace.

It is thought that affiliation with this scheme will support the gay-friendly policies that are already in existence at the University.

Professor Teresa Rees, Cardiff

Cardiff take steps to support gay rights in the workplace University Pro Vice-Chancellor, said: “We want to ensure Cardiff University is the first choice for lesbian, gay and bisexual students and staff.

“Stonewall Diversity Champions Cymru enables employers to develop and share best practice to create safe and culturally diverse workplaces

where LGB staff and students can thrive.”

Dr Alison Parken, Director of Stonewall Cymru, has said that the University’s decision to join the forum is a huge step forward for Wales. “Thousands of lesbian, gay and bisexual staff in Wales’ workplaces still live dual lives.

“They fear ‘coming out’ could result in harassment, malicious rumours and detrimental affects on their careers.”

This initiative is a UK-wide program, however as yet only three other higher education institutes have become members.

GAY RIGHTS: University backed

News

November 14 2005

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news@gairrhydd.com

MONEY F O R NOTHING?

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

This week, gair rhydd investigates tenant services; are they worth the cost?

By Dan Ridler News Editor HOME UK tenancy services have come under criticism recently from students who claim that the company is not providing an adequate service.

The company, with 68.8% of their contracts in student or shared houses, claims to provide a hassle free method of sorting out bill payments.

For a monthly fee the agency pays gas, electricity and water bills without their tenants ever having to trouble themselves with a bill.

Some students, however, have suggested that they may not deliver all that they promise.

Customers received bills while signed up to the service, and some have even received notices of disconnection whilst paying Home UK to manage their accounts.

"Its quite worrying to receive a letter threatening disconnection when you think all your bills are sorted," said Jen Long, head of Xpress Radio and customer of Home UK. "We just expected everything to be smooth, we didn’t expect to have to deal with this sort of thing."

Students have also been disappointed by the prices offered by the company, recently raised to £32.50 per student per month, suggesting that this is considerably over realistic usage figures.

"It would be okay if they let us use as much as we wanted" said one resident, "but they have a ‘fair usage policy’ which means that if we use too much they will charge us for it on top of what they already charge."

Some members of the industry are sceptical too. One electric company employee told gair

rhydd that an estimated price they would expect any bills to come to would be £18 per student per month, while London Southbank university advise on their website that students should budget £20 per student per month.

The difference between estimated utility bills mean that an average house of five students using Home UK tenancy services might be overpaying by potentially hundreds of pounds.

Oliver Cohen, the director of Home UK, refutes this however. "These quotes seem rather low and probably do not take into account the recent large rises in fuel bills," he said.

"When I was a student it was generally the case that one student would be responsible for each utility. I found it difficult relying on my friends… companies issue thousands of warrant officer disconnections every year which

Heroes at the Heath

By Charlotte Stonebridge Reporter

SURGEONS AT Cardiff’s University Hospital performed a life saving operation on a pregnant cancer patient.

Claire Higgins, 24, was five months pregnant when a scan revealed that she had a tumour on one of her kidneys.

Doctors explained that the cancer had been feeding on her pregnancy hor-

mones and her only chance of survival was emergency surgery.

Claire was told that her unborn child would probably die during the surgery, she said: “I knew I had no choice. The doctors said, ‘we have to do the best we can to save you, you are our first priority’”.

“But I was terrified for my baby. I so desperately wanted to become a mother”.

Surgeons performed a four-hour operation using keyhole surgery in an

attempt to save her life. They went in through the abdomen and skirted the womb to reach the tumour on her kidney – amazingly both mother and her unborn child were saved.

Jack was born five weeks later by caesarean, weighing 6lb 5oz. He is now 16 months old. Claire said: “It seemed such a miracle that he survived me being operated on. He was a real little fighter and hung on. I’m so proud of him. Every time I look at him I know how lucky I’ve been.”

HEATH:Hospital

often result in CCJs and black listings for the occupiers."

"We are a convenience service, and ultimately that’s what you are paying for. Our price rise has taken into account the extra cold winter we are expecting and the increase in fuel prices. We also find that consumption rises when people are using our company."

The NUS advises students to think before committing themselves to this kind of agreement. NUS president Kat Fletcher said: "We would not recommend that students pay another agent to pay their utilities bills. This is a risky strategy that could see them paying out more money in the long run. If students are having problems managing their bills and money more generally, we'd advise them to speak to their Students' Union for tips on budgeting."

World News

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November 14 2005

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WORLD NEWS IN BRIEF

By Jess Best Minimalist living A GROUP of students from Munich University are testing an unusual type of residence in the form of a micro-compact house, measuring just 2.6 meters cubed.

Designed by a British architect, Professor Richard Horden, the project is being used as a possible solution to the universities accommodation problems, with only 10,000 residences available for 90,000 students.

The scaled down flats, housing six students each, include beds, internet connections, cooking appliances and a flat screen television.

On the run A CONVICTED double-murderer was on the run in America earlier this week when he managed to escape from a prison in Houston, Texas.

Charles Victor Thomas, 35, on death row awaiting death by lethal injection, managed to escape by posing as a lawyer using a fake ID. A reward of £5,700 has been put up for information leading to his arrest.

French fracas Triple blast

By Huw Thomas Reporter

By Jonathan Duggan Reporter AT LEAST 47 people have been confirmed dead and 350 injured in last week’s terrorist attacks in the Jordanian capital of Amman.

The bombings occurred in three hotels in the city. All three attacks happened almost simultaneously in a well-orchestrated plot across Amman.

A statement released by the Jordanian police said that the incidents were being treated as suicide bombings.

The worst attack was committed by a bomber on the dance floor of a function room in the Radisson Hotel where a wedding reception was being held.

A witness at the Radisson said: "We thought it was fireworks for the wedding but then I

saw people falling to the ground… I saw blood. There were people killed.

It was ugly". All three hotels are favourites with businessmen, westerners and commuters going to Iraq.

In a statement made by the Jordanian government, Deputy Prime Minister Marwan Moasher said: "The attacks were carried out either by individuals wearing explosives on their belts or by a car that attempted to cross through the security barrier".

Although no group has claimed responsibility for the bombings, the government has said that it bears all the hallmarks of an Al-Qaida attack.

In recent years, Jordan has become the United States’ greatest ally in the middle-east, and it has been suggested that this may have been a factor for the motivation of the terrorists.

Holy discovery AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL dig led by the Israeli Antiquities Authority claims to have found the foundations of the earliest Christian church ever discovered.

Recovered at the archaeological site of Megiddo, the remains were found in the compound of one of Israel’s high security prisons.

Inmates are now working alongside experts in the field to uncover the foundations, believed to date from the third and fourth century.

Twister AT LEAST 15 people were killed in the US on Sunday when a tornado tore through the eastern states of Indiana and Kentucky.

The twister struck the north of Kentucky around 2am on Sunday morning. Ten of the fifteen fatalities were said to be residents on a mobile home complex and around 25,000 homes were reported to be without power.

In some areas the storm was said to have devastated areas three-quarters of a mile across.

THE FRENCH government has authorised a range of emergency powers in an attempt to combat 12 nights of rioting.

Local authorities have been allowed to impose curfews and police are able to perform raids without warrants in order to put an end to the protests.

Deprived areas of large African and Arab communities have seen nightly protests due to high unemployment and complaints of racism and discrimination.

The first death of the riots – that of a 61-year-old attacked in SeineSant-Denis – failed to subdue the gangs.

Speaking for the first time since the violence erupted, President Jacques Chirac promised to restore order to the suburbs of a shattered nation.

"The Republic is quite determined, by definition, to be stronger than those who want to sow violence or fear," M. Chirac said last week, after emergency meetings with senior ministers and security advisers.

AFTERMATH: Picking up the pieces

Nightly attacks on cars and businesses have seen thousands of vehicles and countless schools and restaurants torched by gangs of disaffected youths.

In Evreux, upper Normandy, the worst of the violence saw 100 youths fighting with police, gutting a shopping mall as well as a post office and two schools during a rampage through the provincial town.

The unrest stems from the deaths of two boys who climbed in to an electricity sub-station to avoid a police identity check.

But social commentators say the continuing criminality is a result of a wider problem within F r a n c e ’s public psyche towards e t h n i c minorities and disadvantaged youths.

The other grievance lies with Nicolas Sarkozy, Chirac’s Interior Minister whose labelling of the rioters as ‘scum’ who need ‘cleaning out’ is widely believed to have caused the tension.

INSET: Damage from riots

Down under for longer

By Natalie Parkinson Reporter BRITISH TRAVELLERS are now allowed to work and travel in Australia for two years as opposed to the previous one-year working holiday visa.

The same conditions apply for travellers, such as having sufficient funds on arrival to the country, working for no more than three months at a time in the same place and being a young adult aged 1830.

In addition, travellers are also required to work for three months in some form of

seasonal harvest work in regional Australia. This can be anywhere except Sydney, Newcastle, Wollongong, New South Wales Central Coast, Brisbane, the Gold Coast, Perth, Melbourne or the ACT. The idea of this is to try and solve the situation of labour shortages within the country and to stop backpackers from working illegally after the oneyear period from cash-in-hand jobs in small businesses.

Camilla Holmes of STA Travel said: "Travellers are not loosing out on any-

thing. Australia is one of the main markets for backpackers closely followed by New Zealand, they use Australia as their break point to get some money together."

One gap-year student said: "I have heard of the change and I must admit it did make me more interested in applying for one. I’d rather have a two year one than a one year one".

Another student said: "It doesn’t appeal to me at all. Two years of constantly just trying to find new employment when you’re being paid the very minimum isn’t worth hassle" Out of the total working holiday visas supplied, over a third were issued to travellers from the UK, making Australia one of the top destinations to work and explore.

aken ves t i l 5 D: 1

TE

TWIS

HOLIDAY HOT-SPOT: Travellers can spend longer exploring Oz

Comment

November 14 2005

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geordie@gairrhydd.com

The chewing gum on the shoe of opinion

Better in Britain: Accept it T

All cultures may be equal but some are more equal than others, and British is best

here was a time when columns by Boris Johnson and his buddies at the Spectator and Telegraph that claimed that ‘British is Best’ would get me annoyed. They’re only saying that because they’re British themselves, I’d say. You can’t, I would claim, judge another culture by the standards of your own.

That would be like refereeing a rugby match with a football rulebook.

And there is no universal truth, morality or acceptable standards. Whereas now, relativism can bugger right off.

The UK may not be perfect – what country is? – but compared with a culture in which (and I quote directly from someone currently volunteering in a country which I shall not name) “a woman can be killed in the village if she is at any time talking alone with a man, for they are considered to be having a sexual relationship; a woman will be arrested if she reports being raped to the police; if a man commits a crime, his sister can be raped by as many as 12 men as punishment”, it’s paradise.

That kind of behaviour is simply wrong, and cultural norms have nothing to do with it. For a start, it’s quite probably also wrong by their own standards. Similarly, just because over 90% of Sudanese women believe it is acceptable that their husbands beat them, doesn’t mean that it actually is, either in Sudan or anywhere else.

When I say that I accept that British is best, I don’t mean race, or even cultural ‘identity’ (mostly because I’m not really sure what it even is). I didn’t choose to be born here, and I’m not proud of it; just thankful. Nor do I mean what is traditionally considered to embody Britishness: the stiff upper lip, umbrellas, not taking religion too seriously and imperialism. I’d suggest that Land of Hope and Glory would be best inserted where the Sun doesn’t shine, only one of the song’s over-

G ✑

2

The stuff I couldn’t elaborate on

Thankfully, the plan to detain terror suspects for 90 days was defeated with rather a large Labour rebellion.

Some MPs, however, have been conspicuous in their absence from the first reading of this and from related votes.

George Galloway missed the first reading of the 90-day bill, passing up the opportunity to give Blair a bloody nose and do what he’s paid to do represent his constituents - preferring instead to collect a large sum of money for a speaking engagement in Ireland.

enthusiastically followed lines – “Wider still and wider shall thy bounds be set” – has helped ensure that the Sun will never set on the Empire (yeah, okay, Commonwealth) which would mean a trip abroad.

Where we do lead however, is our cultural institutions: the rule of law, the Parliament copied worldwide and even (gulp!) the Monarch. Where other countries have deposed their Monarchies in bloody revolutions or

still suffer subjugation from absolutist rulers, Britain is almost unique in the Royal Family’s acceptance of diminished authority.

Women may not have had equal rights and an equal vote until early in the last century, but a woman was the highest power in the land as long as 450 years ago. Similarly, while displaying the Union Flag within Britain is decried by the politically-correct lobby as being somehow ‘racist’ (and

if someone can explain to me exactly how, I’d love to hear it) it is itself a powerful symbol of unity: representative of two nations who despise one another coming together, succeeding together, as one.

There’s evidence, too, that the UK is a better place to live than most: the number of people that choose to seek asylum from oppression in the homelands here, for example. Perhaps the same right-wing press that insists on a more all-encompassing British superiority than that which I’m suggesting should recognise that fact rather than taking the ‘we-don’t-like-JohnnyForeigner-kick-them-all-out’ line that certain publications tend to adopt.

I’d take happyslapping, and ringtones over honour killings and judiciallysanctioned gang rape every time

ELIZABETH: Predated Thatcher by four centuries

Boris Johnson has pledged to go to prison rather than carry an ID card and become an identity martyr, but it seems what he’s willing to do for the cause doesn’t stretch to simply doing his job: he was absent from the session of Parliament in which the ID Card Bill passed by just one vote.

✎

The Sun were particularly fervent in their support for the 90-day plan.

Campaigning for the legislation to be passed all week, they were quick to label rebellious MPs as ‘traitors’ when Parliament rejected the law.

They also set up a hotline for supportive readers to call, in order to demonstrate support for the measures.

Only three percent of Sun readers actually bothered to pick up the phone.

With such small support from their readership, you might think the paper will back down. But they won’t.

They’re run by Rupert Murdoch to promote his views and bollocks to what anybody else thinks. (Which is usually very little.)

Luckily, I haven’t seen the Daily [Hate] Mail; I’m sure it would’ve left me apopletic with rage.

✑

While bashing the Sun twice in the same column is probably a bit lazy, especially when it’s on essentially the same point, I’m going to do it anyway.

Printing a picture of 7/7 survivor

The UK has its fair share of problems, with the particular prevalence of an anti-intellectual and disrespectful youth culture. But I’d take happy-slapping, vomit-lined streets and polyphonic ringtones over honour killings and judicially-sanctioned gang rape every time. Or Disneyland and Halliburton, for that matter.

Despite my rejection of relativism, I do accept that much of this is subjective and there is probably some element of latent (and probably misplaced) patriotism. There could be equally compelling argument from a German for Germanic culture, a Frenchman for Gallic culture, and Israeli for Jewish culture or an American for American ‘culture’. But I’m British, and British is my flavour.

Though I’m also quite fond of Spain.

and Cardiff University Professor, John Tulloch, alongside a headline urging MPs to pass the 90-day law, despite Professor Tulloch’s opposition to the law, is particularly low.

It’s also totally unsurprising. This is, remember that printed ‘The Truth’ about Hillsborough, which was complete nonsense, and a front-page ‘exclusive’ with a Falklands widow who wasn’t a Falklands widow. It makes Piers Morgan’s fake Iraqi photos look positively benign. At least they were the result of a genuine error amidst good motives, if somewhat illconsidered. The Sun are simply queurnts.

✎

ID Cards are bad.

CLASH

B

ye, Tony. It’s been fun, in a masochistic kind of way, but it’s time for you to leave.

Shut the door on your way out.

That crushing defeat in Parliament on the anti-Terror legislation has surely made an increasingly tenuous leadership untenable.

Well, maybe.

As much as pains me to say it, it might not be so bad if Blair stays, if he can learn from his mistakes. If he can even admit his mistakes. And, let’s face it, the stubborn bastard probably will stay. Ideally, he’d learn the lesson that has come with his first Commons defeat: if the Party is dictatorially ruled, they will eventually rebel. Sic semper tyrannis, as Brutus may have said: thus always to tyrants.

Before Thatcher pioneered the presidential-dictatorial style of leadership’s move across the Atlantic, the PM’s position was that of a first among equals: the Prime Minister decided policy after consultation with his cabinet, rather than allowing them only a cursory input and then telling them the party’s direction.

Lost confidence from the Conservative grassroots resulting from Thatcher’s refusal to back down on many unpopular policies contributed to the Iron Lady’s downfall, as it may yet do in the case of Blair. If he hasn’t already learned the lessons of history (a history in which he’s determined to secure a notable place) then perhaps this will be the wake-up call that is needed.

The sheer arrogance of the man will prevent him from saving his own premiership Unfortunately, the sheer arrogance of the man may be preventing him from saving both his own premiership and the future of democracy (real democracy) in the UK. On the plans to detain those suspected of terrorismrelated offences for up to 90 days, Blair claimed that it was parliamentarians’ ‘duty’ to pass the legislation.

Most people would say it’s their duty to do what they believe to be the right thing. (Some crazy lunatics would go so far as to say that their first duty is to represent their constituents.)

Blair indignantly claimed that those who opposed him were simply wrong.

No grace in defeat for Tony. And the rejection of any suggestion that he could have been fairly defeated suggests that, should he continue, his leadership style will be no different and the available lessons will go unlearned. And that is Blair’s real loss.

And, sadly, ours, too.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 8

November 14 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

UN-FEESABLE THE ISSUE of university tuition fees was brought back into the student mindset this week, with the NUS Wales organized rally outside the Welsh National Assembly in Cardiff Bay. Although currently without a President, NUS Wales managed to achieve a good turnout in the bitter Cardiff cold, a fact which shows that some in Wales aren’t ready to give up the fight for a state-funded higher education system just yet.

Students from across the country turned out to put their views directly to the AMs who ventured outside of their offices into the cold.

However the fact remains that come 2007 fees will be introduced across Wales and the previously hailed ‘victory’ will become null and void.

Without more direct action like we saw this week from the body representing the majority of students in Wales, the fight to keep top up fees out of Wales looks like it may become a lost cause.

With crime rates amongst students on the apparent increase, Andrew Rennison paints a more realistic picture of the ghetto that is Cathays

T

he phrase ‘Crime doesn’t pay’ is, for want of a better description, absolute cobblers. Crime doesn’t pay for the criminals, but it certainly lines the pockets of others.

MASTER SHREDDER CRIME: Many get rich from it The issue of identity fraud amongst the student population is reviewed this week in our Jobs & Money section.

Amongst a highly mobile, fluid and constantly changing population who call Cardiff home, identity theft and subsequent fraud are on the increase.

With students moving house on an almost yearly basis, and not informing the relevant authorities of their new address, the amount of personal data in circulation in the Cathays and Roath area would probably shock experts in the field of identity theft.

This problem is compounded by the fact that it is relatively easy to prevent.

By simply ensuring that all unwanted personal documentation is disposed of in the correct fashion, students can ensure their identity and any corresponding bank details remain safely within thier posession.

IMG NO SHOW ANOTHER WEEK without any IMG fixtures due to the stereotypical Cardiff weather conditions of the past fortnight.

Although the weather is no-ones fault, the frustration is clear in the opinions of the IMG players we spoke to this week.

The missed fixtures can be rescheduled for the end of the season without too much problem, but the thoughts of the IMG world must surely be focused on what will happen if the rain keeps on falling on the pitches here in Cardiff?

Newspapers, television and stores like Halfords make millions from crime every single day. It spurs drivers to buy the latest anti-carjacker equipment, provides ample documentary material, and fills our tabloid headlines with mug shots and exclamation marks.

People underestimate just how important crime is – without it, programmes like Midsomer Murders would have no resonance with ordinary people. But thanks to Fleet Street’s obsession with sensational law-breaking, it’s easy to believe that quiet rural villages do indeed average a few homicides a week.

In seriousness though, crime has been increasing its stock in the public arena for some time now. The last decade has seen a gradual decline in overall offences, yet the awareness of crime has skyrocketed.

In ‘Crime in England and Wales 2002/03’ the Home Office stated that: 'In spite of the significant falls in the main volume crimes in recent years, almost three-quarters of the public still believe that the national crime rate has been rising.'

And since the summer recess, this idea of awareness ascending above reality seems to have been creeping into Cardiff and its student population.

Just two weeks ago, the headline ‘Grand Theft Auto’ graced this paper’s front page; similar top billing was given at the beginning of the semester

Top of the tarts

S

tudents throughout the country sighed in collective disappointment this week as Tony Blair’s plans to introduce teenage pregnancy league tables for secondary schools were widely derided.

Many had hopes of the scheme being taken further and a whole range of tables being introduced including: price and availability of drugs, expletives per sentence, and teacher-student sex scandals.

Now, because of some damn bureaucrats, we may never know how many girls got up the duff in our old secondary school and ignorant parents will continue to send their chaste, angelfaced daughters off to ‘sex-schools’, like oiled up hookers to a jock’s frat party…

We need the league tables Tony. By all means listen to public opinion, but then do it anyway. You’re good at that.

Edward Vanstone

“”

D

W i t c o m b ’s

WORD

amn it, the government’s right! These kids need me.

These kids need the State.

Their mothers are nothing but tabloid-humping sacks of brainless drivel, I can’t let the offspring go the same way. So changes will be made in this nursery. Things will be stepped up a notch or my name isn’t J. R. Stalin.

That last teacher had to go, no question about it. A nursery is no place for ‘What do we see at the zoo?’ songs. It is a place for ‘Where are we heading in our lives?’ songs, and, by God, will we sing them. With me at the helm, these little troopers will grow and develop like fresh educated mould on a slab of scholarly cheddar.

"Ok Jimmy, how are you getting on with the maths exercises here?"

"I done drawn a number two" "Damn it Jimmy, I said calculate the GDP of Mexico using the statistics

to a story about a burgled student house. Other more minor incidents have also been doing the rounds.

Certainly newsworthy pieces; awareness helps keep us on our toes, hopefully reminding us to close the odd window or lock up our bike. But are the crooks really swelling in numbers?

“Being security conscious is unlikely when consciousness itself is proving difficult” Recent crime statistics for England and Wales – between January and March 2004 – paint a fairly reasonable picture. For burglary, there were 4.4 offences in Cardiff per 1000 people. In Greater Manchester, that figure was 6.0, in Bristol it was 7.0, and in the City of London it reached a whopping 14.2.

As for vehicle theft, Cardiff clocked in at 18.1 offences per 1000. This compared to Manchester on just 12.4,

Bristol with 20.6, and the City of London on a ridiculous 164.9 offences per 1000.

Though showing room for improvement, such numbers provoke relatively little alarm. The problem is not the level of crime or the policing of crime; the problem for us lies in our susceptibility to it.

Apart from the obvious issue of the average student car being older than the sun and having all the security features of a wafer biscuit, many students are reluctant to splash out on fancy but often effective steering locks or other security equipment.

And as for preventing burglary, being security-conscious with your front door after a night out is unlikely to happen when consciousness itself may be proving difficult. We love our laptops, we love our hi-fis and our DVDs – all those things burglars adore. And most of us live in one concentrated area of the city; a beacon that guides thieving scum to our homes.

Students will always attract crime, and we’re largely to blame yet can do little about it.

All we can do is shut that door, buy that lock, and not panic too much when we read that headline.

by alex wallis

FREE WORD

GRAND THEFT GOSSIPERS

Al’s World

gair rhydd

provided! The answer is not two, go and stand in the cupboard!"

My God, what has that boy’s mother done to him. His brain is like a heap of useless pulped monkeys and he’s already three and a half. Let’s hope these others can do me proud…

"Right Lilly, what are you painting here?"

"I paint a hippo-pota-moose."

"For the love of God Lilly, I said conceptual art, this is quite clearly figurative!"

"I like hippo-pota-mooses, they are funny and-" "Damn it Lilly, a hippopotamus could crush your bones into a boring powder! This is a very uninteresting picture which will never appear in the Tate, get in that cupboard!"

I’m just not reaching them. They are dull and illiterate and action must be taken. Surely they can master simple communication skills…

"Ok Bobby and Sally, are you having fun in the pretend shop?"

"Yes lots, I sold an teapot to Bobby and then we..."

"Blast and shit on it Sally, I said negotiate the sale, draw up a contract and take him out for an executive lunch, not flog him a poncing teapot, are you dense? There’ll be no stylistic analysis of James Joyce for you today, get in the frigging cupboard!

Well that’s all of them in the cupboard. How has the system done this to them. By the age of six they’ll be working in Currys and spending the last of their money on Drambuie. I’ll reach them… by God will I reach them…

In new plans by Labour, children under-five in nurseries will begin to receive communication, literacy and mathematical skills under a National Curriculum. This does not include finger painting.

Editorial & Opinion GOD BLESS THE DAILY MAIL November 14 2005

Page 9

opinion@gairrhydd.com

So how would you fare in taking the new Citizenship Test?

Pretty bloody badly, suggests British-born Edward Vanstone

S

o, the Home Office has unveiled its shiny new Citizenship Test, which all immigrants must pass in order to gain the privilege of paying £268 for a British Passport - after they’ve paid the £34 for the test, of course.

Immigrants wishing to become British citizens must get at least 18 of the 24 questions right. The questions are based upon a ‘Life in the UK’ government handbook and include subjects such as regional accents, the Queen’s role in society (fnar!) and the function of Parliament. Clearly the kind of things an immigrant needs to know in order to better integrate into British society; the kind of things people talk about socially. (‘Hey Mick the Queen’s been letting us down a bit lately eh…’)

As usual with stories involving immigrants, the reaction from the British media is even more disturbing than the story itself. ‘The steps immigrants must take to gain British Citizenship were revealed yesterday and immediately condemned as not tough enough’ stropped the Daily Mail. You felt like they wanted to say ‘We’ve got to keep them out everyone!

FOR GOD’S SAKE WE’VE GOT TO KEEP THEM ALL OOOOOUT!’ (Daily Mail then jumps into nearby ravine). To their credit, they didn’t.

The most telling line in the Mail’s editorial regarded the implementer of the Citizenship Test - Tony McNulty, the Immigration Minister - and read ‘He did not think there was a case for extending the test to asylum seekers.’

No, Daily Mail, I’m not surprised. (‘Hi. How are you? Good. So … you’re from Rwanda, right? You’ve been here 12 years. Ok. And you came here after you had been raped and your family had been killed. Ok. Well, if you’d just like to give me £34 we’ve got this new test we’ll let you take’).

The test is a cunning way to get more money from immigrants

By Richard Lilly

A

m I the only one who found Tuesday night’s Gunpowder Plot Exploded programme on ITV1 a complete fecking joke?

Fair enough, I found the detailed (for ITV) historical explanation of the plotters motivations quite interesting. But to glorify and actually re-create an attempted terrorist bombing that would have certainly killed hundreds of people! In today’s World!

I found the comparisons with current world events to be sadly ironic.

The plotters in 1605 were Catholics who constituted about five percent of the English population at the time.

These ‘terrorists’, including Guy Fawkes, were motivated by the continued persecution of the Catholic people and faith, and aimed to destabilise or destroy the oppressive King James and the predominantly Protestant government of England by devastating force.

CITIZEN TEST: But are they testing them on the real aspects of Britain?

The Daily Star, that bastion of quality journalism, was similarly disturbing/amusing. Matt Sheppard, a 32 year-old from Chesterfield (and surely a representative of all of Britain’s views) was quoted saying ‘We need to make sure the people coming over here aren’t taking advantage of us.’ You’re right, Matt. And asking them where Father Christmas comes from - one of the reputed questions – is the right way to do that. It’s the North Pole, by the way. Not Lapland. I wonder what would happen if you scribbled the words ‘fictitious character’ on Tony McNulty’s face with a big, red, foreign-made marker pen. You’d probably have to take the test again.

Father Christmas’s homeland is not the only question I would get wrong.

Look at this lot and note how, as the Mail astutely points out, they’re ‘not tough enough’.

1. Which of these courts uses a jury system? A) Magistrates' court B) Crown court C) Youth court D) County court 2. When did all 18-year-olds get the vote? A) 1918 B) 1928 C) 1969 3. By what factor do the native-born English outnumber their Scots or Welsh neighbours? A) By nine to one

B) By seven to one C) By six to one D) By 100 to one And, most lenient of all…

4. There are four national saints' days in the UK, one for each nation.

Which order do they fall in the calendar? a) St Andrew's, St Patrick's, St David's and St George's b) St David's, St Patrick's, St George's and St Andrew's c) St George's, St Patrick's, St Andrew's and St David's Answers: 1. B) 2. C) 3. A) 4. B)

The reaction from the British media is even more disturbing Luckily, unlike in some countries, which have a three strikes and you’re out policy, the British Citizenship test can be failed ad infinitum and taken again and again until it is passed.

Admittedly this does make the test appear to be just a cunning way to get more money from immigrants, (hmm, wonder why that is…) but at least our charming government won’t be kick-

ing people out because they don’t know if St George’s day is before St Andrew’s day.

The British press have delighted in making up their own, alternative citizenship questions, and I must admit that I can’t resist the temptation either.

So, here goes.

1. Why is immigration such a big issue in the UK? A) The right wing press B) Lunar cycles C) Foreigners are evil 2. Who sang ‘hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way’?

A) Pink Floyd B) Michael Howard C) Some weirdo immigrant 3. Which of these happens most days to the average British citizen?

A) They are awoken by a crowd of Afghans singing anti-British songs outside their door B) They are forced to share their room with a Scandinavian nomad C) They are hounded by Somalians demanding cash and drugs D) None of the above, unless you write for the Daily Mail in which case all of them happen (inside your mind) Answers: 1. A) 2. B) 3. A) – Wait, no, D).

Sorry, it’s getting to me too.

Eight tinnies of Stella later...

By James Lewis

T

he first time I met a lot of the people I know in university (and actually all the people I live with in my house) I was pissed on top of an overturned wheelie bin in a south Talybont courtyard with my trousers and pants around my ankles shouting profanities about how much I love Swansea.

Following this impromptu spectacle, the large group (of then nervous freshers) proceeded to walk to town.

With the path on our trail bottlenecked, I decided to relieve myself on the adjacent wall, and turned to try and hose

Bomb boob

down my new friends. Like a possessed renaissance water fountain come to life, I wet many a trouser leg and shoe.

I am quite surprised I actually made friends. I can’t really remember much so I suppose it was them that met me rather than it being me meeting them. I was remembered though, that is the key point here. No matter how profane a display I managed to assemble, I was etched into people’s minds.

It can be argued that it may not be the best title to hold; when asked "Have you met James?" "Oh, yeah I met him; is that the feral Welshman with a penchant for displaying his gen-

italia? Yeah he pissed all over my legs and left shoe…"

Relating to this occurrence, I have to address the brilliant ability alcohol has to take people to their most extreme and undesirable, and at the same time offer them an excuse to let them off ‘scott free’! The very substance I willingly drank is the very

I was remembered though, that is the key point here

excuse I used to explain my unforgivable actions.

Understanding the above, I disgraced myself, pissed on and pissed off a lot of people, yet still I was remembered light heartedly and I was able to shrug of the incident by simple saying "Ohh, I’d drunk 8 cans of Stella… that extra 2% really does go to your head…"

You can’t take away the fact that I committed all of the above offences, but because it was under the influence of wicked, wicked alcohol I was able to openly excuse myself.

How truly marvelous!

“Will we all build wooden buses and blow them up?”

Does this sound familiar? Muslims currently account for three percent of our diverse British society, and the London bombings of July 7 were motivated by continuing Western military involvement in the Middle East, which is essentially persecution motivated by greed, of the Islamic world (namely of Iraq and Afghanistan). The difference being that the plotters in 1605 targeted the people in charge, the King and government, the terrorists of 7th July targeted the innocent, much as the innocent continue to suffer in Iraq and Afghanistan.

This raises a question for me. Will we be celebrating and recreating the July 7 bombings in 400 years? By that time will cheeky-chappy TV presenters get all excited about ‘recreating’ the blasts on the Edgware Road tube?

Will we all build wooden buses and blow them up to remember the terrorists, like we do with Guy Fawkes?

I think not. But I think the TV planners should certainly take a long break and try to get some perspective, maybe focussing on some positive aspects of the World, and not dredging up the destructive past.

e

On Any

oP Any INI ON

me i t Any opinion@gairrhydd.com

Letters

Page 10

November 14 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd letters page As I begin to write my editorial this week, the office has suddenly transformed into a nursery. I can hear people shouting ‘green’, ‘red’, ‘white’ and ‘not blue’ with a great deal of enthuiasm. Oh well, there is nothing wrong with a colourful world. And this week’s letters page is no exception. So take some time out of your studies to read this week’s debate. I hope the content of the letters will inspire you to pass your exams/essays/whatever with flying colours. Menon.

Simply the best!

CONGRATULATIONS on your success in the Guardian Student Media Awards!

It’s a fantastic achievement for gair rhydd to be named the best student newspaper in the whole of the UK. Producing a quality weekly newspaper is no mean feat.

I pick up a copy whenever I'm in Cathays, and last time I was especially delighted to see the Welsh language section, Taf-Od. It is important that gair rhydd uses both of Wales’ official languages.

Keep up the good work!

Hwyl, Owen John Thomas AM, Shadow Minister for Culture, Welsh Language and Sport

Piers off Mark I DON’T WISH to pick a fight with Mark (Post-grad History), but his response to my article on terrorism seemed to illustrate perfectly the point I was trying to make.

He states: "Islamic fundamentalists not only want us out of the MiddleEast but to destroy us". By what basis does he justify this claim?

The point of my article was that the real reason some groups are waging war on the West - based upon the terrorist training videos and the statements made by the terrorists and suicide bombers themselves - is that they believe there is a war being waged against Islam.

To deny utterly that terrorists have some motivation for their action other

text

than irrational hatred is dangerous and appears to be wrong.

It prevents us from addressing the real concerns of many people about the way some Muslim countries/ states are treated and, it could be argued, makes the resolution of the conflict between some factions of fundamentalist Islam and the West more unlikely.

As in all wars, it appears that the propaganda (from both sides) wishes to characterise this conflict as being between one side that is absolutely right, and another side that is absolutely wrong.

In reality, this state seems very unlikely and until we accept that, there may be no progress.

I would also add that the comparison with Northern Ireland was to illustrate my argument that adopting an approach involving cycles of reprisals rather than diplomacy never seems to lead to anything constructive, rather than as a direct comparison with terrorism today.

I could quite as easily have replaced Northern Ireland with Palestine, Israel, India, Pakistan, North Korea or South Korea. Perhaps I didn't quite make that clear.

On a final point, no matter how much Mark disagreed with Kenny's point of view, I found the language he expressed gratuitous.

To describe Sri Lanka as a "Third World shit hole" seemed to me to be completely insensitive and (if I may return a charge Mark levels at me) ignorant.

I do not wish to condemn Mark personally - perhaps his response was just a reflection of how incensed he

was by our separate articles - I just want to state how much I disagreed with the sentiments he expressed.

Best wishes, Piers F. Horner 1st Yr Post-grad Astrophysics

Mark and Sparks WELL, where to start? Since Khudeza seems fairly sensible I’ll start with them {sic}. Firstly let me state that I am not a xenophobe and I can find nothing in your letter that I disagree with.

However my point regarding Kenny the Sri Lankan was that it appears he found the circumstances he found himself in after his degree to be a surprise.

Did he not realise the cost of living in the UK? Did he not know the course fees? Did he not know the relevant legislation regarding non-EU citizens living and working in the UK? If he was either unable or unwilling to either look up or comprehend any of the above then I’m afraid it’s tough luck.

I don’t mind anyone attempting to come to the UK to actually work, but, as I’m sure as a law-abiding citizen you’ll agree, the law must be obeyed.

We can’t simply make Kenny a special exemption because he went to our University and you all seem to think he’s a charity case.

Now, on to Pat the planning student. Pat you really should learn some history yourself before questioning my knowledge of the subject. Firstly let me educate you about the IRA and the terrorists in Northern Ireland.

It took decades of war and zero progress for all the protagonists to realise that violence wasn’t going to work and they better invest in the democratic process.

And, whilst I wouldn’t trust any of them one iota, at least they seem to be keeping to the terms of the cease-fire.

That is simply not going to happen with radical Islam. The Radical clerics aren’t suddenly going to decide to form a Political Party (The Islamic

Party of Great Britain?) and attempt to use Parliamentary Democracy to turn Britain into an Islamic State.

I can do no better than to quote Gerard Charmley in this regard: “These terrorists do not fight to win freedom for themselves, but to deny it to others.”

As long as we are a free, democratic society then we will face the threat of radical Muslims blowing themselves up on tubes and such the like {sic}. It is a threat we can not ignore, it is a threat we must face down with overwhelming force.

That means, Pat, shoot to kill, detention without trial for terror suspect and the use of all the apparatus at the disposal of the Security Services and it means that people like you must be kept in ignorance.

Then you go on to suggest that if Britain and America had ‘stayed home’ then we wouldn’t be facing terrorism now. What utter rubbish. Need I remind you that prior to the 11.09.01 attacks on New York and Washington, the only Middle Eastern nation that the US had invaded was Kuwait, and that was in order to liberate it from Iraq, with the support of the rest of the Arab and, indeed, wider world.

Leaving that aside though, let us assume for a moment that you are correct; that if we left the Middle East then Islamic terrorism would stop, at least in the west. I doubt it would, but for arguments sake lets {sic} just pretend.

We would then be potentially surrendering the entire Middle East to the forces of radical Islam. Given that, because of the vastness of the oil reserves in the Middle East, that would be surrendering the world’s most important strategic asset.

That is something we cannot afford to contemplate, it is completely unacceptable. We have every right, and more importantly the ability, to challenge every tin pot dictator who threatens the balance of power in the region, be that by un-conventional {sic}weapons (WMDs), terrorism or just by simply ticking us off, and squash them like an insect.

We can afford to spill blood for oil;

in fact we need to at times, especially if it’s Arab blood (that’s not racist, I’d be equally content to have supported a war against a White Iraq). Callous, certainly, but true nonetheless.

Then you go on to rant about Sri Lanka. I’ve got news for you Pat, with independence came certain responsibilities. The United Kingdom and its citizens have no obligation, legal, moral or otherwise, to provide assistance to Sri Lanka in any way whatsoever.

Say what you will about our Imperial past, but it is the way of things that the stronger always strike down upon the weaker, I make no apologies for our past and you should not disgrace it.

Oh, and Menon, since I’ve made it abundantly clear that I hold the plight of Sri Lanka in complete indifference why should I go and help out?

Since you apparently care so much I suggest you get off your backside and stop writing satirical comments and do something useful. Or are you just crying crocodile tears for Sri Lanka whilst you write your ever so witty replies?

Regards Mark, Post-grad History.

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life. If you want to get your point across to the Cardiff population, this is the place to do it. Send your gripes to the above email address. If you want to see your letter printed in next week’s issue, try and email it by Thursday lunchtime.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

07791165837 letter of the week

What do you call a fit girl in engineering? A paradox!

does a bear shit in the woods wipe his ass with a fluffy white rabbit?

Mihangel has pretty green eyes x

If you ask her nicely lauren will get her rat out

ATTENTION FAT WOMEN: Diet Coke is not a magic potion.

Y is gair rhydd sudoku so damn hard? Who do they think we are?

What do you call jokes from engineering students? Shit!

Dear GR - Please remind me to buy bread on Saturday

What happened to fridays tv listings? I hope heads rolled.

The Golden Boys are right up the Hatter’s arse- we’re gonna do you. Watford forever.

Insurance endurance I WAS A ComSc./Bioinformatics student at Cardiff University.

Recently I had a letter from those punks that handle National Insurance and all that crap for the government.

Now these cheeky buggers politely informed me that I was behind on my National Insurance payments, so I rang them up and was all like: WTF Maaaaaannnn?!

Apparently these jokers allow you five years in your working lifetime in which there is no obligation to make National Insurance contributions, but after that if you don't pay it then failure to contribute affects your final pension.

There would appear to be a lack of consideration towards full time students as this five year period is available to everyone and not just students.

This may seem reasonable to some people but I feel that it is unfair towards students.

I have been in university for four years and was thinking about doing another three years for a PhD. After three years of doing a PhD I would have completed seven years of full time education. Therefore I would have exceeded the five year period previously mentioned.

As a result I would be obliged to make National Insurance payments to cover the extra two years studied in. I cannot see the fairness in penal-

ising full-time students in this way.

If I had signed on the dole for four years and not gone to uni, I would still have five years of National Insurance dodging to be able to do!

Does anyone else know any more about this stuff? I’m just a bit pissed off as I am on a come-down from my student days, when I was oblivious to these worries such as loan interest/repayments.

Why does this government shaft you and your buddies in every little possible way it can for being clever and motivated to do something with your life? Jeez!!

Yours, Wiggy.

Media

November 14 2005

Page 11

media@gairrhydd.com

CARDIFF SCREEN FESTIVAL As the seventeenth annual film festival returns to Cardiff, Media takes a look at what films, directors and events are schowcasing at the gala

By Bethan James Media Reporter

T

his week sees the return of the national film festival for Wales, hitting screens across the Capital from November 9 2005. The ten day festival showcases promising Welsh, international, live action and animated cinema.

Having begun in Aberystwyth in 1989, the festival is now in its 17th year and, with audience numbers increasing by 35% with each festival, this year it’s set to be big.

The festival opened with a Gala in the Millennium Stadium on November 9 and now continues with film screenings and behind-the-scenes events, held in Cineworld and Chapter Arts Centre, the festival’s two main venues.

The opening night film, Proof, starred Anthony Hopkins, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jake Gyllenhaal and the festival sees the screenings of Cardiff’s top-ten films, voted for by Cardiff residents as part of the centenary celebrations, which includes classics such as Pulp Fiction, The Shawshank Redemption and Moulin Rouge.

“Screening independent films, proving life outside Hollywood” Genres such as New Welsh Talent and New International Talent give you the chance to see films from Welsh directors, in both Welsh and English, and to see International films. Also some of which may never reach British cinema outside of the festival. Other categories include Gay and Lesbian Cinema, Short Films and also Independent American Cinema, proving that there is, in fact, life outside of Hollywood in America.

The festival is also home to the DM Davies Award, the largest short-film prize in Europe, awarded only to directors of Welsh origin or residence. With judges such as New Orleans director Jay Duplass and the chief executive of the Celtic Film and Television Festival, Frances Henderson, and with a total of 69 short films entered this year, the

award really brings Welsh cinema to the forefront of the festival.

They’re also getting Welsh politicians involved with the BAFTA Cymru Event on November 15, where Welsh politicians from all four major parties discuss film and moving image with Jon Gower, Media and Culture correspondent at BBC Cymru Wales.

Berwyn Rowlands, the festival’s Artistic Director says: "At the heart of the festival is a desire to celebrate and promote talent from Wales, in all languages but, most importantly, in the universal language of the moving image."

What to watch

"A festival is more than just an ordinary visit to the cinema. At a festival you are not just buying a ticket to see a film but a ticket to meet the talent that created it", Berwyn Rowlands says .

Aside from insisting we go and see every film in the entire festival, he highly recommends the screening of independent American director, Jay Duplass’s first feature length film. The Puffy Chair, showing November 11 and 13, is an opportunity to see the work of a director who has moved from making short films to creating a successful feature length film, and to ask him how he did it.

The whole festival is littered with UK, Welsh and European premieres if you want to see something totally new and there are some World Premieres to look out for, including Neil Wagstaff’s 9 Steps to a New Start, Emyr Glyn Williams’s Y Lleill, Tom Collins’s Dead Long Enough and the first episode of S4C’s new series Caerdydd.

If you’re in the mood for a late one, there are Night Owl screenings of thrillers and also late night short films.

Nearly all feature films are preceded by a short film but there are also packages of short films that offer great variety and a chance to get a taste of some of the up and coming talent being showcased in the festival. On the other hand if you’re feeling a bit strapped for cash but don’t want to miss out get down to Chapter, where they’re showing free short films between 10.30 and 18.00 every day November 14-18.

Behind the Scenes

This year’s screen festival is all about getting the audience involved.

The Audience Award is the other major

CHAPTER ARTS CENTRE : Festival venue

award in the festival, alongside the DM Davies Award, which allows you to vote for your favourite film on the Internet or by text.

In addition, more than half the screenings have either the director, producer or actors present for Question and Answer sessions after their films – look out for the camera sign in the film listings – and there are special guests such as Ian McNeice (Oliver Twist, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) and Jun Lee Hee (American Pie 4) making appearances at screenings.

Berwyn Rowlands stressed the festivals ‘open door policy’, which promotes as much informal interaction between filmmakers and audience as possible.

"We do not protect the talent in the festival", he said. One of the main aims of the festival is to ‘demystify’ the film industry by letting the audience ask questions and get involved. "This informal interaction is a very effective way of transferring knowledge from filmmakers to those interested in the industry", added Mr Rowlands.

Catering for a more formal audience, structured behind-the-scenes discussions are also taking place. Work such as the ‘Is Queer Cinema Conventional Cinema?’ discussion, where directors of Adam and Steve, Original Pride and Say Uncle discuss gay and lesbian cinema in relation to mainstream film.

There is also a session by independent American filmmakers, where the practicalities of making low-budget films and the feasibility of applying these methods to filmmaking in Wales are discussed. Be warned, tickets for

RHYS IFANS: Last year premiering Enduring Love.This year catch Proof these are a little pricey at £10.

For all fans of animation there is An Audience with Bill Plympton, where the New-York based animator, nominated for an Oscar in 2004 for Guard Dog, will be discussing his work and, at only £4, is definitely one not to miss.

Not Just about Film

The screen festival is not solely about film, however. If you’re interested in dance, one of the main events in the festival is Welsh Director Peter Greenaway’s Collaboration with Welsh Independent Dance, the national organisation for professional choreog-

raphers and dancers. Greenaway, a director who consistently strives to reinvent cinema has worked with the dancers to produce dance pieces based on his film trilogy Tulse Luper Suitcases. The trilogy will be performed in its entirety, along with the dances on November 13 at Chapter and is an example of the diversity of the festival events.

As well as free short films at Chapter, there are of course student discounts. You can see any film for £3 if you buy in advance.

Check out the website for listings and other information at: www.cardiffscreenfestival.co.uk

Politics

Page 12

November 14 2005

politics@gairrhydd.com

A TALE OF TWO DAVIDS

Tory supporter Tim Hewish is convinced by Davis at a Cardiff visit, whilst below Rachel Owen looks at David Blunkett’s fall from grace all before’? But this time I feel it is different and you, the reader, should as well.

Smart talking can only get you so far, as Blair and Campbell can show you The years of spin we have had to endure under the Labour Government has been unbelievable. Mr Davis offers us an opportunity to break from the shackles of such political debauchery.

He offers us ‘straight talking and upright politics’ through the Disraelian concept of one nation conservatism.

David Cameron, his rival, offers no such plan. His defence is that having a policy now meant that a party could not uphold any promises as ‘times change constantly’. That is all well and good, but that night Davis showed the people in that room and indeed on Question Time that in this media saturated era, personality means everything. His ideas were interwoven with wit and humour, at times this politician appeared almost human.

Davis spoke of his childhood recalling the time his metal works teacher said to his parents; ‘David was given the work, but by God he’d finish the tools before he finished the job.’

Adding to this, he made the hilarious pun of being ‘John Prescott’s shadow, and that in itself is a tough object to get around. To me, this appeal

stretched from the borders of Buckinghamshire and into the minds of the most inaccessible of possible Tory votes, the north.

However smart talking can only get you so far, as the King and Crown Prince of Spin, Blair and Campbell can show you. This brings me back to a man of substance; Mr Davis’ answer actually came in the form of a woman – Margaret Thatcher. He fiercely put forward the idea that Britain needs two attributes to develop - Maggie’s attributes: courage and conviction.

PHOTO:Tim Hewish

A

fter the political face-off on Question Time last Thursday, David Davis’ visit to the Cathays Conservative Club was a chance to get back on the campaign trail.

The mood was relaxed and somewhat informal, which is strange for such a Tory event. I took my place in the crowd and stared somewhat intrigued by the billboard saying David Davis – Modern Conservatism.

This, I thought, would take a lot of convincing.

There can be no doubt that this is a fully-fledged campaign as I was repeatedly asked to wear this T-shirt or this badge, though it was my girlfriend, along with some other girls present, who were asked to step into the bitter cold outside Cardiff Tory HQ and greet Mr. Davis. They don’t call him Double D for nothing.

In spite of such proceedings Mr Davis began his speech in a manner I’d not seen a politician do for some time.

It was his persona which struck me the most, he could have chosen to stand behind a wooden plinth which was far removed from the audience, yet he chose to stand right in front of us for all to see. His hand movement were open and outstretched, unlike the closed hands of Tony Blair, who has major trust issues with himself, not to mention his party. There was confidence in this man and this transcended onto the public and press in the room.

He spoke of Britain wanting ‘a man of substance’ and that Britain wished to see ‘a bettering of Herself ’. You might exclaim ‘haven’t we heard this

They don’t call him Double DD for nothing ‘Monsieur non’ as Davis is called in Europe, had convinced the Tory members in the room that I was sharing, that he has the determination and ability to lead Britain.

But does he have what it takes to convince wider Britain? His answer came from a statement by one of the men he and I admire most, Sir Winston Churchill: "My dream of Britain is that there is a limit beneath which no man may fall, but no limit to which any man might rise."

This shows he cares for the nation, unlike Blair with his 24-hour drinking and the relinquishing of our borders to Europe and the terrorists. He appears honest and for the most part not corrupt, however if we give him the tools of Prime Minister, like his metal work teacher did, will he finish Britain for the better or for the worse?

DAVIS: Illlustrating his plans for dealing with Cameron

Blinded by the Sun

S

ome would say a classic case of 'absolute power corrupting absolutely' and others would argue the loss of a ‘working-class hero’ to British politics. Whilst some pity him, there is no doubt there are those who are this week dancing on his political grave.

At the centre of Blunkett’s recent blunder was his undeclared two-week directorship of DNA Bioscience before May's election, in his brief period out of the Cabinet. Mr Blunkett was previously forced to step down as Home Secretary in December 2004.

Blunkett’s ability to tackle tricky policy areas and drive through government reforms were always highly admired

by Tony Blair. In the Commons, Mr Blair told MPs that none of the allegations against Mr Blunkett warranted his dismissal under the ministerial code. The mistakes arose out of an ‘honest misunderstanding,’ said the Prime Minister.

A pertinent question overrides this whole spectacle-was this a trial by media? Can it be justified that anybody loses their career over stories in

the press? David Blunkett resigned prior to any hearings over his misdemeanours. He claimed to do so out of respect towards Mr Blair and his ideals for the party. But his constituency

agent, Harry Harpham believes he was "hounded out of office since he got the job after the election in May by a combination of pressure from the Conservative party and the press."

Nobody can deny that David Blunkett’s resignation was assisted by a whole lot of negative campaigning from the opposition, most of which was directed at Tony Blair’s leadership qualities. Michael Howard dubbed the leader a ‘lame duck’ Prime Minister,

It is the sheer determination which got Blinkett educated and elected that will help him now

MRS QUINN: Mistress woman

adding that the week had seen the ‘seepage of his authority turn into a haemorrhage’. The Tories have, in the past, often been closely associated with sleaze and decadence and it is this ‘get your own back’ attitude which has provided ample ammunition in their destructive campaigning towards individual politicians.

Whether David Blunkett will be remembered for his tough talking and lack of patience with what he called ‘airy fairy libertarianism’ on Channel 4 drama A Very Social Secretary satirising the Quinn affair is yet to be known. He unquestionably has the working-class grit and a valued ability to connect with Labour’s grassroots.

This, teamed with a modern outlook, strong political stances and enthusiastic embrace for reform, made him an asset to any election campaign team.

Blunkett’s life reads like that of a Dickens novel. Born blind, he was sent against his parent’s wishes to a council boarding school aged four. The tragic death of his father in a vat of boiling water aged 12 left him and his mother penniless. It is the same sheer determination which got Blunkett educated and elected that will now help him stay strong in the face of adversity. Nobody can deny that he has made a string of errors, but now let’s hope he gets a bit of peace on the back benches without Channel 4 bosses bringing out anymore dramas to document these latest goings-on.

Taf-Od

Tachwedd 14 2005

Tud 13

tafod@gairrhydd.com

A OES HEDDLU? Paned a Sgwrs

Gan Kathryn Harries Golygydd Taf-Od

RHODDWYD SYLW i heddlu Cymru'r wythnos diwethaf gyda chyflwyniad gynnau Taser yn lluoedd y De a chynlluniau ailstrwythuro’r heddlu’n gyfan gwbl.

Daeth heddlu’r De, y trydydd llu yng Nghymru, i ddefnyddio gynnau Taser ddydd Mercher diwethaf. Roedd hyn yn cyd-ddigwydd â thrafodaethau’r Cynulliad am uno heddluoedd Cymru.

Mae pedwar heddlu gwahanol yng Nghymru, sef Dyfed-Powys, Gogledd Cymru, Gwent a De Cymru. O dan y

stabliaid, gyda llai na 2,000 ym mhob llu arall.

Yr opsiynau dan sylw nawr yw naill ai cyfuno’r lluoedd, creu un llu yn Ne Cymru ac un arall yn y Gogledd, neu gadw’r drefn bresennol.

Yn ôl Ysgrifennydd Cymru, Peter Hain, mae newid yn anochel. ‘Credaf ei bod yn angenrheidiol,’ meddai, ‘fod gan yr heddlu dros Gymru… y ddawn i gwrdd â bygythiadau terfysgaeth.’

Geilw am newid ‘radicalaidd’ sy’n addas i Gymru gyfoes.

Ond pwysleisiodd Jean Wilding, trysorydd Awdurdod Heddlu DyfedPowys, gostau’r ad-drefnu yma.

‘Byddai effaith sylweddol iawn,’ med-

Heddluoedd Cymru’n defnyddio gynnau Taser yn y frwydr yn erbyn trais cynlluniau newydd, bydd newid i drefn y lluoedd er mwyn delio’n well â bygythiad terfysgaeth a throsedd drefnus.

Yn ôl adroddiad Arolygiaeth yr Heddlu (HMIC) ym Medi, dylai fod o leiaf 4,000 o heddweision ym mhob llu i ymateb yn effeithlon i drosedd. Ond mae gan Dde Cymru tua 3, 500 o gwn-

dai, ‘ar lefelau treth y cyngor.’

Mae gan heddlu Gogledd Cymru ei amheuon hefyd. Byddai’n well ganddyn nhw gydweithio’n agosach â Heddlu Sir Gaer yn lle heddlu De Cymru. ‘Mae gen i bryderon am uno heddluoedd Cymru,’ dywed Eifion Jones, cynrychiolydd Cyngor Ynys Môn. ‘Dy’n ni ddim am gael ein rheoli

gan uned yng Nghaerdydd.’

Mae’n debyg y bydd Awdurdodau Heddlu Cymru yn dewis eu hoff opsiwn erbyn diwedd y mis cyn y bydd yr Ysgrifennydd Cartref, Charles Clarke, yn gwneud ei benderfyniad terfynol yn y flwyddyn newydd.

Bydd unrhyw newid yn nhrefn yr heddlu Cymru’n cymryd sawl blwyddyn i’w gwblhau. Yn y cyfamser, bydd cyflwyno gynnau Taser yn Ne Cymru’n gam i geisio rheoli trosedd peryglus. Gall swyddogion sydd ag hyfforddiant angenrheidiol ddefnyddio’r gynnau ar droseddwyr treisgar.

Mae’r Taser, sy’n rhoi sioc drydanol o 50, 000 folt ar gyflymder o 100 milltir yr awr, yn gwneud y troseddwr yn anabl am gyfnod byr i sicrhau’i arést.

Mae pob gwn yn costio £750, a Heddlu Gogledd Cymru oedd y llu cyntaf i’w defnyddio, a hynny yn Awst 2003, gyda Heddlu Gwent yn dilyn fis Awst diwethaf. Mae’n debyg y bydd heddlu Dyfed-Powys yn cyflwyno’r arfau ar ôl diweddu hyfforddiant eu cwnstabliaid.

Mae Prif Uwch-arolygydd, Grahame Davies, o Heddlu De Cymru yn credu y bydd y gynnau Taser ‘yn datrys digwyddiadau difrifol yn ddiogel.’ Disgrifia’r Prif Uwch-arolygydd Heddlu Gwent, Alun Thomas, y Taser fel ‘arf hynod o effeithiol’ a fydd yn ‘taclo [bobl] all fod yn droseddwyr treisgar a pheryglus yn fwy cyflym, diogel ac effeithiol.’

Ond mae’r beirniaid yn galw am brofion ychwanegol ar effeithiau’r gynnau. Dywed Huw Thomas, cynrychiolydd Amnest Rhyngwladol, ‘nad yw effeithiau tymor hir y gynnau wedi cael eu profi yn ddigon dwfn.’

Er gwaetha’r feirniadaeth, mae awdurdodau’r heddlu’n pwysleisio bod gynnau Taser yn effeithiol a saff ac yn rhan o fesurau llym ledled Cymru yn erbyn trosedd a therfysgaeth.

Edrych Fatha Ffyliaid Crôl Tafarn y Gym Gym, 31/10/05

Gan Elis Gomer Golygydd Taf-Od MAE’N SIWR y byddai’r olygfa yn Central Bar am 7 o’r gloch ar y nos Lun dan sylw wedi gwneud i fwy nag un person amau eu bod nhw’n dechrau colli eu pwyll.

Lleianod yn sgwrsio efo Smyrffs?

Cast Reservoir Dogs – efo gynnau dwr? Freddie Mercury wedi atgyfodi?

Doedden nhw ddim, wrth gwrs. Ail grôl tafarnau’r Gym Gym eleni oedd yr achlysur a ddenodd y Cymry allan yn edrych mor wahanol i’r arfer.

Mae’r crôliau gwisgo i fyny’n boblogaidd dros ben bob blwyddyn, ac er y byddech chi’n disgwyl mai Calan Gaeaf fyddai’r thema ar Noson Galan Gaeaf, dydy’r Gym Gym erioed wedi bod yn rhai i ddilyn y graen ble mae pethau fel hyn yn y cwestiwn. Câi’r aelodau wisgo fyny fel unrhyw beth y mynnen nhw – ar wahân i unrhyw beth i’w wneud â Chalan Gaeaf!

Roedd criw da yn bresennol yn y Central Bar cyn i’r fintai od ddechrau’r daith i lawr Heol y Frenhines – a roedd hi’n braf gweld bod pawb wedi mynd i

drafferth i feddwl am wisg dda (ar wahân i Dylan Llyr, wrth gwrs, a oedd wedi dod fel...fo’i hun. Nul points, Dylan).

Ar wahân i’r rhai a grybwyllwyd eisoes, roedd yr uchafbwyntiau eraill yn cynnwys aelodau o gast Phoenix Nights (Huw Savage yn ei gadair olwyn fel Brian Potter, Rhys Sgwbi ac Owain Neee fel Max a Paddy, y bownsars), criw o genod yr ail flwyddyn fel merched "Chicago", a J-Rod Roberts fel Father Ted. Roedd gwobrau hael i’r gwisgoedd gorau ym mhob blwyddyn, ac er bod Tomos Rhys "TRD" Davies yn ffefryn gan lawer i fod yn enillydd gwobr yr ail flwyddyn am ddynwared yr hen Freddie, doedd ‘na fawr neb yn anghytuno bod y Smyrffs yn haeddu eu gwobr nhw am baentio’u gilydd yn las.

Elen Richards ac Elin Telyn enillodd wobr y drydedd flwyddyn am eu gwisgoedd Superted a Smotyn penigamp, a’r Tair Llygoden Ddall oedd yn fuddugol yn y flwyddyn gyntaf.

Gorffennodd y crôl yn Flares, ond roedd digon o dafarndai ar y ffordd, ac

erbyn diwedd y noson roedd pawb mewn hwyliau da er gwaetha’r glaw trwm.

Roedd Huw Savage wedi dewis ei wisg yn ddoeth o ran dechrau’r noson – gan ei fod o mewn cadair olwyn, doedd dim rhaid iddo fo gerdded cam trwy’r nos. Ond pan gyrhaeddodd y criw Flares fe drodd y gadair yn fwy o drafferth nag o werth, gyda Huw druan yn cael ei hel oddi ar y llawr dawns am fynd dros draed pobl efo’i olwynion.

Chafodd Rhys "Paddy" Sgwbi ddim noson dawel iawn chwaith – trïodd y bownsar ffug osgo’r y bownsars goiawn am o leiaf _ awr cyn cael ei ddal a’i hebrwng yn ddiseremoni i’r glaw.

Pam? Beryg na chawn ni byth wybod.

Er bod ambell i aelod wedi cael mwy na’i siâr o helynt, ar y cyfan roedd y crôl yn llwyddiant ysgubol.

Dydi thema’r crôl nesaf ddim wedi ei benderfynu wrth i mi ysgrifennu hwn (a does wybod beth allai o fod – mae Gwion, y llywydd, yn awyddus iawn i gael crôl "drag", o be dwi’n ddeall) ond un peth sy’n sicr – mae o’n bownd o fod yn hwyl.

Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od

MAE ’NA rywbeth i’w ddweud am baned ar ôl noson allan ’does? Ar ôl ffilm, pryd o fwyd, gig neu sesiwn reit hir mae paned dda wastad yn mynd i lawr yn - wel, yn dda.

Roedd 'na gig Cymraeg yng nghlwb CF10 (y Seren Las gynt) yn yr undeb rhyw dair wythnos yn ôl, a than y nos iau honno doeddwn i erioed wedi bod yno.

I unrhyw un sy’n anghyfarwydd a’r lle, clwb bach o dan, a thipyn brafiach, na Solus ydi CF10, ac yn lleoliad gwych am gig - mae ‘na soffas a lot o gadeiria wrth fyrdda yna.

Apple Tango, Poppies a Mattoidz oedd yn chwarae ac, o siarad efo sawl un oedd yn y gig, roedd y noson yn un lwyddiannus iawn a dros 150 yno. Os oeddech yn un mae’n debyg i chi sylwi ar fwrdd hir yng nghefn yr ystafell a llond dwrn o bobl o’i amgylch yn

berwi dwr a thaflu bara mewn i dostar.

Criw Undeb Gristnogol Gymraeg Caerdydd oeddem ni, a’r bwriad oedd cynnig te a thost i bawb oedd yn y gig, boed yn fyfyrwyr, staff, trefnwyr neu bwy bynnag.

Pam? Am fod paned a thost yn dderbyniol iawn ar ôl noson allan ac am i Iesu Grist wneud yr un peth ei hun. Mae hanes yn y Beibl (Ioan pennod 6 adnod 1-15) amdano’n porthi’r pum mil - am eu bod yn llwglyd.

Roeddem yn gobeithio siarad â phobl am Iesu, nid i geisio gwthio unrhyw gred neu syniad ar neb, ond siarad am beth mae Iesu Grist yn ei olygu pan ddwedodd o "Myfi yw’r ffordd a’r gwirionedd a’r bywyd."

Rydym yn bwriadu gwneud yr un peth mewn sawl gig, yng Nghaerdydd ac Aberystwyth, dros y flwyddyn .

Felly os gweli di ni ar ôl noson allan a ffansi rhywbeth poeth i’w yfed, tyrd am baned.

ATYNIAD Y CLWB Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od

MAE CLWB Ifor Bach wedi bod yn atyniad mawr i fyfyrwyr Cymraeg a di-Gymraeg eu hiaith yng Nghaerdydd ers blynyddoedd erbyn hyn, a chyda thwf ym mhoblogrwydd cerddoriaeth Gymraeg, mae atyniad y clwb hyd yn oed yn fwy eleni.

Ers mis Medi, mae Clwb Ifor Bach wedi dechrau cynnal cyfres o gigiau Cymraeg eu hiaith gyda bandiau mwyaf poblogaidd Cymru’n chwarae.

Ond faint o alw sydd i nosweithiau o’r fath yng Nghaerdydd?

Roedd clwb y Toucan yn cynnal nosweithiau Abri, Cymdeithas yr Iaith, unwaith y mis, ac yn ôl Dai Lloyd, Rheolwr Adloniant Cymraeg Clwb Ifor Bach, mae’r galw’n fwy ers i’r clwb hwnnw gau rai misoedd yn ôl.

‘Gelli di greu rhywfaint o’r galw dy hun,’ meddai, ‘ac mae digon yn siarad Cymraeg yng Nghaerdydd.’

Ond nid y Cymraeg eu hiaith yn unig sy’n cael eu denu gan y noswei-

thiau hyn. Maen nhw’n gwneud y ‘diGymraeg yn fwy ymwybodol o’r iaith,’ meddai Dai Lloyd, ac ychwanegodd ei bod yn bwysig nad yw’r clwb yn cyfaddawdu’n ieithyddol.

Mae rhai o’r nosweithiau hyn yn rhai acwstig, ac eraill yn cyd-fynd â digwyddiadau arbennig yn y brifddinas, megis y gêmau rhyngwladol.

Maen nhw wedi bod yn boblogaidd yn barod, gydag artistiaid megis Sibrydion, Huw Chiswell a Caryl Parry Jones yn denu cynulleidfaoedd o bob oedran ac iaith.

Mudiad annibynnol yw Clwb Ifor Bach a dywed Dai Lloyd nad oes ganddi ei rhagfarnau. Felly nid gigiau y clwb yn unig a gynhelir yno.

Cynhaliodd Cymdeithas yr Iaith gig gyda Mattoidz a Sleifar a’r Teulu fis Medi, a’r mis diwethaf buodd y Poppies yn chwarae mewn noson a drefnwyd gan Faes B. Gall myfyrwyr dderbyn gostyngiad i’r nosweithiau hyn trwy ymaelodi â’r Clwb, sydd hefyd yn caniatáu mynediad am ddim ar nosweithiau Sadwrn a gostyngiad wrth y bar.

Clwb Ifor Bach yn boblogaidd gyda myfyrwyr Caerdydd

Health

Page 14

November 14 2005

health@gairrhydd.com

Kicking the habit

With the UK Smoking Ban being thrashed out in parliament, Health look at how this will change you social life as you know it...

By Lydia James Health Correspondent

S

moking. Most of us have heard enough of the arguments for and against smoking to last a lifetime.

Should or shouldn’t it be banned, where, when and how? However, over the last few weeks it’s become even easier to become confused over the issue, due to the proposed smoking ban being thrashed out in Parliament.

The situation is made even more baffling due to the fact that Wales and England will have different types of ban once it comes into force.

In England, the government has decided to create a partial ban on smoking in cafes, pubs, bars and workplaces which serve food. The ban would come into force in 2007. Pubs that don’t serve food and private members clubs would remain smokerfriendly. Similarly, the UK government has revealed plans to give the Welsh Assembly government the power to ban smoking in public places. This move is the first time since devolution that Westminster has given the Assembly such powers and is the result that many Welsh political leaders were hoping for.

Wales is expected to implement a total smoking ban in public places in the next three years, following Ireland’s successful lead.

According to the Health Minister for Wales, Dr Brian Gibbons: ‘Research shows that customers, including smokers, quickly accept smoke-free as the norm and those smoke-free areas discourage people from taking up smoking.’

The reasons for such a ban are glaringly obvious when you consider that smoking causes 6000 deaths in Wales each year and second-hand smoke (passive smoking) is directly responsible for 400 Welsh deaths per year.

Passive smoking is a major concern for many people; these ‘passive smokers’ are those of us that have friends or family that smoke around us, or who enjoy socialising in pubs or clubs, or even if you just happen to be standing next to someone who is smoking in a bus queue or train platform and are unable to move away. Every one of us

is a passive smoker, whether we like it or not.

Children

Most importantly however are those passive smokers who are society’s most vulnerable; namely, children.

Pro-smoking arguments for ‘freedom of choice’ go out of the window when you consider that children have no choice, or voice, to vocalise their opinions on how they feel about breathing in someone else’s second-hand smoke.

Asthma is by far the most common chronic illness in childhood; this condition is exacerbated by cigarette smoke.

When children grow up watching stars in films smoke and adults smoking all around them, it’s no wonder many of them think that smoking is ‘cool’. Lighting up is also associated with drinking and socialising, other things that children consider ‘cool’ and adult. If smoking was banned in public places, perhaps less children would take up smoking or experience peer pressure to take it up. This way we could have a healthier new generation of non-smokers, freeing up the NHS to concentrate on other areas.

J.D Wetherspoons is one of the first pub chains to announce that it will be

banning smoking in all of its public houses by May 2006. Other pubs are quick to follow their lead; perhaps the small army of smokers crossing the Severn Bridge to smoke in English pubs will be met half-way by nonsmokers from England, flocking to try a smoke-free night out in the Welsh capital.

This ban won’t stop people from smoking, but what it will do is improve the quality of life for those who choose not to smoke. It may also encourage smokers to quit by showing the benefits of spending a few hours in a pub breathing clean air and not getting any disapproving glances at the fag in their hand (having to go outside in the pouring rain to light up might have something to do with it too). For the rest of us, this ban can mean several things: coughing less, seeing properly, and being amazed by the fact that our clothes don’t stink of smoke the morning after the night before.

Whether or not you smoke, the benefits of creating a happier and healthier environment for all just by the simple action of stepping outside to light up are obvious; then again, if you do decide to quit, you’ll have the extra money for another drink!

G

iving up smoking can be an extremely difficult thing to do, but its something hundreds of people across the UK achieve every day.

The smoking ban that will come into force by 2008 will make it difficult to smoke socially, so perhaps this is the incentive many people need to kick the habit for good; after all, its hard to be a ‘social smoker’ if you’re having to

The Welsh Blood Service supply hospitals with 600 units of blood per day.

By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor

T

he Welsh Blood Service is calling for more people in Wales to give blood in a drive to supply the sixteen hospitals in South, West and MId Wales.

600 units of blood are used per day in these areas of Wales alone.

Many people decide to start giving blood at University, and a large majority of these carry on to become regular ‘horizontal heroes’. Each donation of blood has the potential to save three lives.

Blood isn’t just used in emergency operations; it’s also used as a vital lifeline for anyone undergoing treatment for leukaemia or cancer, needed in large quantities for use in organ transplant operations, cardiac operations and for the treatment of other life-threatening injuries and diseases.

It doesn’t matter what specific blood grouping you belong to, the vast majority of people can and should give blood. Those with the blood group ‘O’ are particularly needed by the Welsh Blood Service as ‘O’ type blood (‘O rhesus negative’) can

be given safely to anybody who needs it regardless of what blood type they are.

Cardiff University support the Blood Service by holding a blood donation session twice a year. The Blood Service are asking that students come along and support their hard work by donating blood and helping to continue to save countless lives.

The Welsh Blood Service will be visiting the Great Hall, Students Union Building, on the following dates: Wednesday 23rd November 10am to 5pm Thursday 24th November 10am to 5.pm Tuesday 29th November 10am to 5pm Wednesday 30th November 10am to 5pm If you require further information, contact the Blood Service on 0800 252266, or visit their website at www.welsh-blood.org.uk

HEALTH NEWS Lung cancer warning test

A test on cells taken from the inside of your cheek could give an early warning of lung cancer.

A cancer research company in Canada has developed a test that is two-thirds accurate in detecting the disease.

30,000 people are killed by lung cancer every year in the UK.

Abortion laws challenged SMOKING: Russian Roulette?

DON’T GIVE UP GIVING UP

By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor

LIFE LINE

huddle under an umbrella in the rain outside the pub! Here are Health’s top tips for quitting for good. ! Find activities that make smoking difficult (exercise, washing the car, taking a shower). ! Spend as much free time as possible in places where smoking isn't allowed (libraries, museums, theatres, department stores, and churches!) ! Change your surroundings when an urge hits; get up and move about, or do something else.

! Put something other than a cigarette into your mouth. Keep 'mouth candy' handy - try carrots, apples, celery, raisins, or sugarless gum. ! Tell all your friends and family that you've already quit - you'll be embarrassed if they catch you smoking. ! Stop carrying cigarettes with you at home, in your bag or at university. ! Throw away all your cigarettes and matches. Hide (or trash!) your lighters and ashtrays.

A mother from Manchester is trying to change the law that allows teenage girls under the age of 16 to get abortions without their parents’ knowledge.

Sue Axon is confident that a change in the law will occur, as the Department of Health begins a judicial review of its guidelines this week.

She objects to the fact that her teenage daughters cannot be given paracetamol in schools, yet could be given an abortion without her consent.

Safety fears for the NHS A watchdog has found that over 2,000 people died in English hospitals last year due to lapses in patient safety, along with nearly a million patient

safety incidents.

The National Audit Office also found that many incidents are not reported, so the number of deaths (already higher than previous estimates) could be even higher.

New vaccine breakthrough Japanese researchers have announced that a rice-based edible vaccine could one day replace allergy injections.

One in four people in the UK are thought to suffer from allergies, which range from reactions to food to skin allergies. Jabs build up antibodies to treat severe allergies, but can sometimes trigger dangerous reactions.

New form of medic announced New forms of medic are to be deployed across the NHS. Medical care practitioners will move between GP practices and hospitals, and will be able to carry out medical assessments and diagnoses, as well as prescribing drugs.

The new posts will free up doctors to deal with more complex cases as well as regulating the growing numbers of health care support workers.

Free Stuff

November 14 2005

Page 15

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! great prizes for you all to win and, HELLO CHICKENS. This week I’ve got some the wee birds cut into nice biteof fridge talking of chickens, I have a whole how you can be a Fridge Raider size bits for you to eat. See below to find out . fridge and also win your own personal glass ring show tickets for one lucky If that’s not enough, I also have a pair of glitte nowboard goodie bag and ski/s Break r grabber to get their hands on, a Winte lutely fabulous I am. If you’d like to the chance to see Bass Invaders. How abso l me before Friday! X emai s, win a house worth of Fat Friday ticket

Raiding the Fridge

ALWAYS IN a rush? Or simply can’t be bothered to cook? If you’re one of those people who’s always raiding the fridge, check out Mattessons’ Fridge Raiders!

Since launching two months ago, Fridge Raiders have made their name as the most convenient, tasty and un-fattening snack o p t i o n around.

Made from 100% prime quality chicken, you can be certain with Fridge Raiders that you’re getting the real, nutritious kind of stuff to hand.

Available in two great tasting variants, Roast Chicken and Chicken Tikka, Fridge Raiders are only 110 calories per 70g pack, low in carbohydrate and only 7% fat.

To celebrate the launch of Fridge Raiders, Mattessons are coming to C a r d i f f University, to find the ultimate Fridge Raider.

If this sounds like you, you’ll be dying to get in on all the fun and action that’ll be going on from 14-20 November. In order to win your own glassfridge plus generous supplies of Fridge Raiders, keep your eyes peeled for the prize fridge around campus. The first person to spot the fridge full of Fridge Raiders wins it!

The winner of the competition (and the fridge) will feature on the grab! page in two weeks time.

Hav e an all-white Chr istmas EVER DREAMED of a real white Christmas? Well now you can have one!

Outgoing Travel have teamed up with Kings Ski Club Races to bring you Winterbreak, the ultimate Ski and Board holiday for students.

Up in snowy Mayrhofen, Austria, you’re bound to be truly entertained - and lift those Winter blues! The ski pass (included in the trip) covers a staggering ten resorts, 177 lifts, and a ridiculous 625km of piste!

With Kings Ski Club there’ll be all sorts of festive racing fun and frolics, and that’s not even mentioning the non-stop entertainment available. In addition to DJ Yoda, Bez, Krafty Kuts and the Freestylers playing in Mayrhofen, there’ll be all the essential student cheese, a

huge street party and even a Christmas Ball! And the apartments where all the students will be staying are only a five minute stagger from town!

For those of you who can’t ski/board, don’t worry, your package can be customised to meet your needs. You won’t even miss out on your home-cooked Christmas dinner, as the trip returns late Christmas Eve morning and to a variety of airports. And the whole package is only £365, a Christmas present well worth asking for.

To book, simply go to www.winterbreakuk.com click on ‘find your university,’ then ‘Cardiff.’

To win an Outgoing Travel goodie bag, simply answer this question: Which language is primarily spoken in Austria?

Bass Invaders are back BASS INVADERS are back in Cardiff this month to play their fourth live set to date, and if you want some free tickets, listen up.

As of Saturday, November 19, the likes of Guru of Gangstar, Roni Size, Dynamite MC, and Pendulum are coming to our beloved Students’ Union - one of the top music venues in South Wales.

Performing in the Great Hall at 9pm, this gig is surely not one to miss. Tickets are a snip at just £15 in advance and can be purchased at the union box office or at www.cardiffstudents.com.

If you’d like to be on the guest list for Bass Invaders, simply email the answer to following

question to the address at the top of the page: Which Bass Invaders artist is pictured right?

“Grease is the word” OK, SO you’ve seen the film umpteen times, and you sing all the songs at karaoke on a Saturday night. The wellgreased quiffs and bobbie socks are all too familiar, and you’ve heard many a drunkengirl use the line “Tell me about it stud.”

But what you probably haven’t experienced is Grease the Musical, the most popular, fun-filled show in the history of rock ‘n’ roll.

Coming to The New Theatre, Cardiff, on Monday 28 November, Grease is explosive with energy and pulsating with the 1950’s teen culture we’ve come to love as our own.

Starring Pop Idol’s Hayley Evett as Sandy Dumbrowski, the musical doesn’t let go of the film’s unforgettable songs either.

Blowing the audience away with an unbelievable set of lungs, the shy sweetheart turned sassy Pink Lady boasts real musical

talent.

Accompanied by Paul Manuel as T-Bird hunk Danny Zuko, the pair lead the gang at Rydell High in singing and dancing their way through love, drama and teenage excitement.

So, boys, grab your leather jackets and a hot-footed Pink Lady and enjoy a electrifying night out.

For the chance to win a pair of tickets to the show courtesy of grab! simply answer the following question: Who is currently playing Sandy in the musical?

For tickets, call the New Theatre box office on 029 20878 889.

LAST WEEK’S LUCKY WINNERS ... AND HOW TO ENTER NOW! THIS week’s all about raiding and invading guys, so if you fancy yourself as a bit of a go-getting grabber, email me at the address at the top of the page. Last week’s winners have some great prizes coming their way. Well done to JULIE CLARKE, who went to the Starsailor gig last night, and KELLY JONES, who chuckled away to Patrick Kielty last Thursday. Congrats also to ANGHARAD DAVIS, who’s off to the Hard Rock Cafe this week and DAN BARDELL, Dizzee Rascal’s biggest fan. x

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Science & Environment

Page 16

November 14 2005

science@gairrhydd.com

IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE A japanese fleet sails in the face of world opinion

By Ceri Morgan Science & Environment Editor

O

N NOVEMBER 8 2005, a fleet of whaling ships left Shimonoseki, Japan to conduct a scientific research program on whales in the Antarctic.

This is the 19th expedition since 1987 for the Tokyo-based Institute of Cetacean Research, a non-profit organisation supported by the Ministry of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries.

The 2005/2006 hunt looks set to be the most controversial yet, as earlier this year Japan announced that they intend to expand the program: killing twice as many minke whales, and targeting two new species, humpback and fin whales.

During the expedition, the institute plans to catch over 850 minke whales, ten fin whales, and a number of humpback whales.

The fin whale is the second largest whale species, at up to 26 metres long and weighing 90 tonnes.

Many environmental groups are concerned that the weapons used which already produce a poor instantaneous death rate in minke whales (40%) - will be used to kill the much larger whale species.

The institute plans to catch 850 minke whales They argue that the results would be incredibly inhumane.

The institute is quoted as saying that the research program - called JARPA 2 - is designed to “monitor the Antarctic ecosystem, model competiton among whale species... elucidate

temporal and spatial changes in stock structure and improve the management procedure for the Antarctic minke whale stocks.”

The hunting is condemned by most conservation groups on the grounds that it is inhumane, unnecessary and may harm fragile wildlife populations.

Other critics say that this is commercial whaling in disguise, with meat obtained from the hunts sold for food in restaurants and schools.

They also argue that the scientific objectives of the Japanese research fleet can be met through non-lethal methods.

In June, a meeting of the International Whaling Commission (IWC) in Korea resulted in a majority vote for Japan to withdraw its JARPA 2 proposal or revise it and apply nonlethal methods to the program.

However, the resolution drawn up by the IWC has no power, as all mem-

ber nations are allowed to run scientific programs.

The JARPA 2 plans have created a storm of protest in Australia and New Zealand, countries which were once prominent in the whaling industry, but where hunting now provokes outrage.

There is a storm of protest in Australia This is largely due to the rapid increase in profits for a whale watching industry that is still in its infancy.

There have been rumours circulating in Australia over the possibility of denying Japanese fishing vessels access to Australian ports.

However environment minister Ian Campbell appeared to rule out such

measures in an interview with an Australian newspaper.

One environmental NGO, Sea Shepherd, say they are ready to meet the six vessels of the Japanese fleet out in the icy Antarctic waters.

The Japanese Fisheries Agency deputy director Hideki Moronuki has so far declined to comment on the fleet’s movements because of what he said was the threat of an attack by Sea Shepherd.

The fleet will return to Japan in mid-April after collecting such data as the age and stomach contents of the whales, before they are eventually sold at Japanese fish markets.

Though the whale hunting program is causing concern on a huge scale, it is supported by other governments, and as yet the conservationists do not have a mechanism through which they can peacefully force Japan to abandon or modify its whaling operation.

China must jump on the bandwagon

By Morgan Evans Environment correspondent

W WHALING IN ANTARCTICA: Can it be justified scientifically?

ITH THE visit of China’s President Hu Jintao to London this week one of the issues of discussion for himself and Tony Blair will be that of climate change.

As China’s economic dominance continues to grow the issues surrounding its CO2 emissions have caused intense debate.

As a country exempt from the pollution caps drawn up in the 1997 Kyoto agreement, China’s intended growth and how far overall emissions could go has caused great concern.

China plans to build about six hundred new coal power station in the next thirty years, doubling its carbon emissions to over three billion metric tons.

To put that into perspective; in 2002 Britain’s emissions reached 150.8 million metric tons.

Even the United States, which also is not under the Kyoto agreement, reached 1.5 billion metric tons, far from the levels expected by China in coming decades.

These levels are also estimated to grow annually by 4% up until 2025.

The main reasoning why the United States has not agreed to sign up to emission reduction targets - like those within the Kyoto Protocol - is the fact that these measures would damage the US economy.

A fear in recent months that China will take the same opinion has forced leaders to rethink their ideas of climate control.

Tony Juniper, director of Friends of the Earth said recently "Climate

change is threatening the lives of millions... There are existing technologies that we could be using now which could cut fossil fuel demand."

These ideas seem to be at the forefront of contemporary thought on the issue of CO2 emissions.

This maybe too late however, as Greenpeace state that "to avoid dangerous climate change, the world needs at lest 30% cuts (in CO2 emissions) by industrialised countries by 2020, increasing to 70-80% by mid century."

China is currently exempt from the Kyoto protocol This seems practically impossible, looking at the rate of growth of developing countries in the East - such as India and China - and the United States’ reluctance to even recognise the problems climate change poses.

Recent calls by Prince Charles on his tour of the United States, declaring: "We simply cannot go on as we are" and his proposal that the US use its power and influence for the "greater good of the global community" are not going to have great effect.

However, with the significant increase in the intensity of hurricanes hitting the Southern States, can the US afford to ignore the evidence?

Warmer oceans and the shrinking of the polar ice caps indicate that climate change and its causes cannot be ignored.

Problem Page

November 14 2005

Page 17

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: cheese, clothes, cunnilingus and chesticles.

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners!

At last, it has happened! No, I haven’t got vadge rot. No, I haven’t been sacked. No, I haven’t killed any members of the Sabbatical team. I have been fully propositioned via my emails! Now, this happens quite a lot in general, but not one of you, my readers, have ever been so bold before. I could say I was flattered. I could say I was pleased. I could say that I’d endeavour to find this mystery man and give him a good seeing to, but I won’t. He sounds like a twat bag. If you have a problem or thing you can do better e-flirting than that sorry sac, then get in touch.

Email: problempage@gairrhydd.com.

Lots of love, Amber, here for YOU. Xxx

Easy Cheesy!

Dear Amber, AMBER, I WRITE to you in desperation as I no longer have anywhere to turn. In recent weeks I have been reading the advice you have given to my fellow ‘needy’ students, and it has become apparent that you and only you can save me from the deep chasm which I find

myself peering up from.

My affliction, as I am aware, is unique. To put it simply, my belly button produces cheese. To explain further it is Red Leicester, that variety of cheese a bit like cheddar, but red!

I was only made aware when all my ‘friends’ were frolicking about and enjoying themselves. Due to not being involved in their fun I yawned, and at this point one of my ‘friends’ noticed the offending cheese-filled orifice.

In my beloved button there was a sweaty chunk of the curdled milk, but

Sending out an S.M.S! Dear Amber, I AM VERY good-looking and I am fit and athletic. I play rugby, and I try to work hard at my degree, though I do find it difficult. I live with three of my mates in shared house and all is good. One of my housemates is obsessed with cleaning and we are always out on the piss together so I have nothing to complain about there.

My problem is to do with women.

I don’t understand it Amber. I’m witty, fit and good ‘in the sack’ – well, I’ve never had any complaints before – but yet I still can’t seem to attract women. I’ve had a couple of one-night stands but they’ve never worked out and I don’t know why.

When I try to call my ‘conquests’ to see if they want a re-enactment, they just go all weird and make up a crap excuse (I know they are excuses – one girl told me that all five of her housemates had just been run over by separate buses and she had to go and visit them all in different hospitals across the country – I mean, come on).

I asked one of my housemates the other day if he had any advice. He just muttered something about ‘maybe you shouldn’t be so angry and aggressive and take the world on even though no one cares and try to exert your masculinity just because you’ve got a complex that you’re a short-arse’, or something of that ilk, but it just didn’t make sense and was obviously the ramblings of a retard.

I mean, OK, I am only four foot eleven, but seriously, I don’t think it’s

a problem, and I only get into fights with blokes who give me snidy looks and who can argue with that? And OK, I do like girls who are over five eight, which I suppose might look odd, but why should I give a shit, I don’t care that I’m short, I’ve got enough testosterone to take on everyone, even you, Amber, you twat.

Come and sit on my face!

Please help me, Amber, I really look up to you.

Yours, Neil, Cathays.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Neil, Oh dear. You have SMS (short man syndrome). I hope that this advice helps you.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

before this moment I believed only one area of my body was able to produce a suitable mature tasting cheese.

However, rather than sharing my joy at the prospect of my beloved ‘temple’ producing a full cheese board, I was banished from the room!

Ever since this painful experience I have felt little more than an outsider and no longer have the confidence to yawn. My ‘friends’ refer to me as cheddar gorge (my name is really George!). I cry myself to sleep at night, constantly reminding myself

that it is normal to be abnormal, but this is no consolation.

Please help!

Yours, Extremely needy Gorge, Talybont South

T itty-titty-bumbum!

found ourselves working our way through certain sports teams.

Obviously this is not intentional and we are always heavily under the influence of our ‘Russian friend’ but it is now becoming a serious health issue (liver failure, not STDs).

Please help us, Amber!

Dear Amber, MY FRIEND and I, currently struggling with boredom and decided to write to you.

We are a fairly good-looking blonde duo: one has the arse, the other the breasts. We have a shared problem in that we find it impossible to locate well-educated, good-mannered, exceedingly wealthy, athletic gentlemen. Consequently, we have turned to ‘slagdom’.

It started off fairly timidly with only the occasional ‘walk of shame’, i.e. once a week, but recently we have

gair Wear!

Dear Amber,

BELLY: Push the button

THIS IS A plee (sic) for help as I am seriously worried about my flatmate.

She has taken to finding alternative uses for the gair rhydd newspaper, this week making a very fetching dress out of it. Your particular problem page from last week is currently being featured just below her left boob. I don't know when this is going to stop and am worried she will tarnish my reputation if I am seen in public with her (the gair rhydd creations are not just for the indoors, I’m telling you).

So I am appealing to you so that I can ask the rest of my house nicely,

P.S. As I'm sure you’re aware, karma sutra position 165 is the ‘reverse anal backhand 360 indie grab’, therefore I am extremely keen to meet up. What are the chances?

P.P.S. a little known French cheese called epoisses is secreted by me dur-

Yours desperately, Tits and Arse.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Tits and Arse, It’s fairly obvious what your problem is, or rather, what your problems are.

You say that one of you has the tits and the other one has the arse.

The thing is that most men and most women of that proclivity like through the medium of your page, if they will hide all copies of the paper until she is well and truly over this, and life can then return to normal.

Many thanks, Bridget.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Bridget, Are you Bridget the midget? I really like your site, if so.

Amyway. I don’t really see your problem, to be honest. I mean, surely your housemate can wear what she likes, but also it is fair enough if she wants to advertise my page and show off my lovely photo (see the top of the page, so I’d imagine that it’s probably over her nipple - woo) for

ing karma sutra number 178, the only other place this is produced is from a tiny French village by a man named Michel, who caringly tempts milk from 315 hairless Siamese kittens.

P.P.P.S. What are the chances of meeting up? The cheese producer x x x AMBER SAYS: Dear Gorge, I’ve had my fair share of cheese in my lifetime already. Hope that this helps! Lots of love, Amber xxx girls with both a pair of breasts and a bum.

If you are missing one or the other, you are a freak of nature (and not the lucky kind with, like, oh, I don’t know, say a fourteen-inch dick, or testicles the size of Neptune, or a face like Angelina Jolie or a ringpiece that likes quadruple penetration - come on, it hurts!).

So I can see why you only end up with the dogends of nightlife. But you shouldn’t worry; one-night stands are very uplifting, and hell, at least you know he or she’ll be talking about you afterwards “Whoa, she would’ve been alright, but like, man, she didn’t have an arse! How does she shit? How does she sit down?”

I hope this helps.

Love from Amber xxx free.

Why not?

I mean, people put a lot of stress on the way people should look, but to be honest I think it’s quite spurious.

I’m going to meet my current shag’s parents next week, and he said ‘mind you don’t wear your crotchless knickers or that see-through top again’.

And I was like, but why not? It’s not like both of your parents won’t have a full viewing later on anyway!

And he was like, ‘what the fuck’ and I was like’ yeah!” and then he left and I haven’t seen him since.

So if he wasn’t such a stresshead about clothing, then he’d still be getting some nice slimey anal right now.

Anyway, I really hope that this helps.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

Jobs & Money

Page 18

November 14 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

FRAUD FOCUS Jobs and Money’s Nicola Menage covers the latest scams and shows you how you can protect yourself from fraud.

P

ublic concern about identity theft is high, and it is estimated that credit card and bank fraud costs £500m a year in Britan.

Despite new technology intended to protect the public from fraud many criminals are able to find ways of beating the system.

The new “chip and pin” system, in which buyers enter their pin number rather than sign a receipt was implemented in an attempt to reduce identity theft, the idea being that stolen cards will not be able to be used by criminals, since the pin number of the cardwould not be known.

The focus has been changed to finding the pin first, which is very, very easy Although statistics show that this new technology has managed to reduce card-fraud losses by 13% in the last year, criminologists are still concerned, saying that criminals are still finding ways to get around the system.

Emily Finch, of the University of East Anglia interviewed credit card criminals and found out for herself how fraudsters were taking advantage of the new ‘chip and pin’ system.

"There are various strategies that fraudsters use to get around the pin problem," she said. "One of the things that is very clear is that it is a difficult matter for a fraudster to get hold of somebody's card and then find out the pin.

"So the focus has been changed to finding the pin first, which is very, very easy if you are prepared to break social convention and look when people type the number in at the point of sale.”

As part of their experiment Emily and a collegue did just this: looked at the pin number of the person in front of them in the queue at the point of sale.

“It is remarkably easy,” she commented. “People don't focus on what other people behind them are doing."

One of the things their research uncovered was how much of the human-element had been taken out of point-of-sale transactions.

“Staff are told to look away when people put their pin number in; so they don’t check at all,” she commented.

Their research also involved Emily and her male collegue swapping their credit cards and using each other’s to

Card fraudsters target internet

buy things.

“Not once did anybody say to me, ‘This is a man’s card, this isn’t your card’” she said.

They also found out that many of the strategies the criminals used relied on trust, which would then enable the criminal to fall back on the old system of having to sign a receipt, if they needed to.

Not once did anybody say to me, ‘This is a man’s card, this isn’t your card’ "You go in, you put the card in, you type any number because you don't know what it is. It won't go through.

The fraudster - because fraudsters are so good with people - says, 'Oh, it's no good, I haven't got the hang of this yet.

I could have sworn that was my number... I've probably got it confused with my other card.'

"They chat for a bit. The sales assistant, who is either disinterested or sympathetic, falls back on the old system, and swipes the card through.

Do you know who you are giving your personal details to?

"Because a relationship of empathy has already been established, and because they have already become accustomed to averting their gaze when people put pin numbers in, they

don't check the signature at all.

"So fraud is actually easier. There is very little vigilance at the point of sale any more. Fraudsters know this and they are taking advantage of it."

Protect yourself from fraud Information and advice on how to avoid identity theft

I

Internet fraud: Don’t become its next victim

F

raudsters are increasingly turning to the internet to carry out their scams, and “cardnot-present” fraud has risen by 29% in a year, according to the Association for Payment Clearing services (Apacs).

‘Card-not-present’ fraud involves criminals managing to get hold of people’s credit and debit card details and using them to buy goods online, over the phone or by mail order.

Card-not-present fraud amounted to £90.6m in the first six months of this year, up from £70.2m during the same period in 2004. Internet card fraud made up the lion's share (£58m) of this.

Meanwhile, online banking fraud involving "phishing" and other scams designed to dupe consumers into disclosing personal security information more than trebled to £14.5m in the first six months of this year.

A Lloyds TSB spokesman said the figures showed that criminals were getting more cunning.

"We have seen a rise in attempts by fraudsters to steal online banking details in ever-more-sophisticated ways," he said.

The bank is conducting trials of a keyring-sized device that generates a unique six-digit number that customers enter when they log on.

dentity theft including internet fraud such as ‘phishing’ is on the increase.

Phishing scams are fraudulent but official looking e-mails and websites used to gather personal information and passwords.

Phishers typically include upsetting or exciting (but false) statements in their emails with the intention of getting people to react quickly to them by clicking on the link and inputting the requested data.

Internet users should resist the urge to click immediately, and look closely at the claims that are being made.

If the e-mail indicates that it comes from a bank or other financial institution where you already have a bank or credit-card account and tells you that you have to enter your account information again, that makes no sense.

Legitimate banks and financial institutions already have their customers' account numbers in their records.

Even if the email says a customer's account is being terminated, the real bank or financial institution will still have that customer's account number and identifying information.

If the email says that you have won a prize or are entitled to receive some

special ‘deal’, but asks for financial or personal data, there is good reason to be highly suspicious.

Legitimate companies that want to give you a real prize don’t ask you for extensive amounts of personal and financial information before you're entitled to receive it.

If the email or website purports to be from a legitimate company or financial institution, Internet users should call or email that company directly and ask whether the email or website is really from that company.

To be sure that they are contacting the real company or institution where they have accounts, credit-card account holders can call the toll-free customer numbers on the backs of their cards, and bank customers can call the telephone numbers on their bank statements.

SHRED UNNEEDED important papers such as bank statements — especially credit card solicitations— with a crosscut shredder. Some identity thieves try to piece cut papers back together.

DON’T USE your mother’s maiden name as a password on personal accounts; it’s too easy to learn. When creating a password, include letters,

numbers and symbols since they are more difficult for identity thieves to guess.

DON’T GIVE OUT financial information online or on the phone unless you initiated the contact and you know the party you are dealing with.

DON’T SHARE your passwords or login names and avoid leaving or writing them down near or around your computer. Protect them as you do your pin numbers and credit card numbers.

DO NOT let your card be taken out of your sight, if you are using it in a restaurant, for example.

BE CAREFUL when on the internet and make sure you have got the little padlock sign on screen to show the server is secure But most of all, make sure all your money is not in an account which can fall prey to fraud. ! ! ! ! !

www.identitytheft.org www.privacyrights.org www.idtheftcenter.org www.consumer.gov/idtheft www.antiphishing.org

‘Scopes & Jobs

Page 20

November 14 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Helping the needy

H

with Crystal Pants

ello one and all, we are entering a week of intense lunar explosions and startype goings on, so expect weird things to happen. Read on and hopefully the prospect of life won't be quite so scary.

ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

This week you will be approached to present an award at 'The Best That's Ever Been' ceremony. You will look fabulous, open the envelope with grace and panache and then whatever it says present the award to yourself because why shouldn't you get everything you want?

Love: Penelope Cruz wants to be you lover, tell her dwarfs should buy caravans not try to date Arians.

TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21

You decide this week that cosmetic surgery is the way to further your career and life. Meanwhile a lucrative business opportunity sees fortune in your destiny, along with parcels and bicycles, so go go make your millions.

Love: You will seek advice from a dashing older man. Try not to fall for him and give inner monologues about what a spunk he is whilst writing a diary in a coffee shop.

GEMINI - May 22 - Jun 22

This week your twin will reveal to you they are actually your mother. You are thrown into disarray as to how she could have emerged holding you hand from her own womb.

This week you reveal you are your twins mother. You conceal that when you emerged holding their hand from the womb it was a simple mirror illusion you once saw on Jonathon Creek.

CANCER - June 23 - July 23

Your mother will pay you an unexpected visit this week; you've had a tough couple of weeks so some motherly love is just what you need. Every time you sit to watch television together graphic graphic sex scenes occur. You sit in awkward silence. Your mother is concerned you have an unhealthy porn obsession and checks you in to a sex offender's clinic, where they mistake you for a paedophile. Thanks mum.

Love: You will kiss and slightly grope a very small person, and then realise it is actually a child. Mother is always right

LEO - July 24 - Aug 23

Mr Chips, of Catchphrase fame, will be close on your tail this week saying "Who's this guy?" at every person you meet, answer "nice cunt" in response to his repeated enquiry and if you are lucky a crippled presenter will wave his crutches in appreciation.

Love: You realise that the words 'crutch' and 'crotch' are so similar because they go together like ham and cheese, be experimental and your crotch will thank you muchly.

VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23

Things may happen this week that may make you have to think about stuff in your head. You are liable to use your feet for walking on Tuesday. If you forget your keys this week you will be locked out. Food may also feature in your mouth. The stars say 'sleep you must'.

Love: A conversation with someone with hair, teeth and all the finery will reveal your destiny to you on Thursday.

LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23

Eat sugar and die. Think about buying a fish, then realise they're rubbish.

Buy one anyway and put it in a jar and shake it until its scales come off and you will have yourself a self-made orange snow dome. Buy lots of fish and mass produce/mass kill/general cruelty your way to novelty gift fortune.

Love: You love sugar, mmm sugar this week you can't stop thinking about sugar. Eat some, why not eat some sugary, grainy, sugar death grains?

SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22

You will discover this week that wish bones really work! You will 'borrow' your family's life savings to buy a chicken farm and intensively breed chickens and make your fortune selling wish bones to the public. You will make this your life's work. On your death bed you will realise you could have wished for your fortune via wish bone and had a toil-free and chickenless life.

Love: You own a lot of chickens. Do you love them? Sadly no.

SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21

Car alarms will ring in your ears everywhere you go on Tuesday. You are either being closely followed by a thrifty car thief OR the cars are trying to talk to you and tell you in the only way they know how that Bobby's stuck down the mine shaft.

Life is like a washing machine for you this week-noisy, wet, bubbly, bit spinny, round, full of socks, few lights, and the occasional button.

Love: Did I mention love in the above list? No, because your week is loveless. Make a sock puppet called Mr Sock and touch yourself with it in a Micra.

CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20

This week the stars pose a dilemma upon you. You must decide whether you would rather have six fingers in total (which are green), or your right leg a foot longer than your left (so you walk like a spaz). Do not put too much thought into this as neither will happen, destiny is bored and has been playing 'would you rather' to while away her lonesome existence. You are just a pawn, a porn, a prawn, forlorn, you are nothing.

Love: Its time you grabbed the bull by the horns, or the boy by his penis, or the girl by their bits and tits, then best to introduce yourself.

Swydd/Job:

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area:

Ardal/Area:

Tal/Wage:

Tal/Wage:

Oriau/Hours:

Oriau/Hours:

Parhad/Duration:

Parhad/Duration:

Manylion/Details:

Manylion/Details:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

Swydd/Job:

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area:

Ardal/Area:

Tal/Wage:

Tal/Wage:

Oriau/Hours:

Oriau/Hours:

Parhad/Duration:

Parhad/Duration:

Manylion/Details:

Manylion/Details:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

UNISTAFF JOBSHOP is a great FREE service for students. We are here to help you find part-time work while you study. Work is available within the University and Students' Union as well as with local companies. You can choose from one-off assignments or more regular part-time work. Once registered with us, you will receive regular free updates of new vacancies as they come in via email. The Jobshop is based on the ground floor of the Students' Union (opening hours 10am-4pm Monday-Friday).

Telephone: 029 20781535, Email: jobshop@cf.ac.uk

Car Owner Drivers Required

AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Daniel O'Donnell will set up a traditional lemonade stall with the Women's Institution in order to line his pockets with gold. First you question 'how could he do that to the old people?' Then you question 'How could he do that to the lemons?' Then you fear his attempt to poison the water supply and so take a lemon and an old person and bludgeon him with them. If you are parched have a glass of fresh lemonade, if you are poor steal his earnings, if you are old hate him.

PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Work begins to be a worry this week.

Sadly if you read a book with pages your family will die really bad.

Instead use your time wisely and construct a replica of the A-team van from three pipe cleaners, a flower pot and a steak pie.

Love: You figure you might as well give sex a go this week. Remember prostitutes have feelings too and buy one a scotch egg.

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Award-Winning Television

November 14 2005

Page 21

tvdesk@hammeredwhilsttryingtotype. .com

This Week’s rumble in the TV Jungle: Nov 14 - 20th 2005

I’m watching ITV get me out of here Blurring the distinction between good and evil

HOT

Going to P a r t i e s dressed as a ninja You get an excuse to wear black for a start, plus you get to carry a stick around which everybody and their brother wants to borrow.

Also, you get to sit in a bin and nobody cares. You can’t go wrong.

Soaps Neighbours this week: Paul and Izz turn to crime. Oh, that makes a change. Max receives a surprise present. Like what? A plastercast of Steph’s mum that she slaughtered? Sindi shuts Stuart out of her life. Like the conniving bint she is.

Alex and Susan’s bond is in peril.

Who’s Alex again? Working 9 til’ five like Dolly Parton every day puts a strain on my viewing. Is he the vicar? And lastly, Dylan’s pride takes a beating. Not unlike his chest, which he seems to give an ape-like beating to before speaking in every scene. Is he still trying to stick his rod in Skye’s box? I’m so confused. But thanks to Radio Times for these snatches of information, and I can’t apolgise enough for not being able to elaborate on them. But hey, you guys probably know the score, so fuck it.

I

know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking “What’s Alex from Blur doing on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here? and you’d be right for thinking that.

The solution, dear readers, is simple. Alex James, currently, is the most useless member of a threepiece britpop combo, whose singer has knobbed off to animate primates, and whose drummer has gone off to er, animate other things and learn to fly. Alex’s post-Great Escape antics have revolved around hosting a rubbish show on 6music, and being in Fat Les. So if you ask me, he’s actually beneath I’m A Celebrity... and should be proud of any exposure he gets. The End. Alex Party is rumoured to be cooking up a storm in the outback with no less than Sunita from Corrie, Carmen Electra’s ludicous basketball player ex-husband Dennis Rodman, wine-binger Jilly Goolden, TV John-in-sunglasses lookalike Margenta Devine, David Dickenson, Anthony Bignose from Blue, Jenny Talentless from Atomic Kitten, and Little Jimmy Osmond, who I hope gets savaged by a large dingo. In my dreams. The rest of the line-up is a bit sketchy, but Carol Thatcher is going to be there, and she’s really good at clearing things up. Like her rapidly decomposing mother’s rotting heart.

What else is on apart from identikit-forumal celebrity rubbish?

Oh yeah, TV John’s current f av o u r i t e C S I :

Fudge Tunnel 8

NOT

Miami. Rocking the suburbs at 9.00pm on five. Last week’s episode saw a teenage girl being eaten by a snake, two girls both pretending to be each other to avoid being incriminated for a crime, and a Spanish-American lothario who looks like my friend Will Young (no relation) being rumbled for smoking Cuban cigars illegally. Amazing. This episode promises paedophilia in the Everglades. Did I mention the opening credits include idiots rollerskating to The Who? I think I have now.

Watch it watch it watch it. Tuesday!

On Wednesday Take that....for the Record (ITV1, 9.00pm) does nothing to dispell those reunion rumours. We can but hope. Until then we can reminisce about the days when Mark Owen wearing a cropped T-shirt emblazoned with

“Junkie’s Baddie Powder”didn’t look gay at all, Plum Wella Colour Mousse, Global Hypercolour Tshirts, black velvet chokers complete with little dangly charm and trolls were all the rage and John Major was a Prime Minister not a philandering Curry-shagger. Watch this documentary and remember days of yore with a warm nostalgic glow. Watch Peep Show (Friday, 10.00pm, C4) if you want to see some horrific vision of your own post-university future, where you realise that gaining a degree doesn’t make you any less of a loser and your job prospects are even worse than before you went to university due to the fact that not only do you look like a tramp but you are a sanctimonious twerp. Even if you don’t, watch it anyway. If you’re cool you should already be switched on to Channel 4 because Ghostbusters is on at 8.00pm. Love from T V D e s k xxxxxxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY War of the Worlds The second almighty unification of uber-director and uber-actor Spielberg and Cruise, after erm, Minority Report, is out this week, and erm, this isn’t very good either.

Bulldozing past the subleties of the original War of The Worlds, and criminally ignoring Jeff Waynes highcamp rock opera based on the same book, one of many rubbish summer blockbusters this year, failed to deliver on a univeral number of levels. Not least for the inclusion of Dakota “going for Christopher Lee’s record of playing identical roles in a preposturously high number of roles” Fanning, and most importantly for the inclusion of Tom “It’s not alright for my girlfriend to scream when giving birth but it’s perfectly alright for me to

star in wank HG Wells remakes” Cruise. Elsewhere, a supporting cast of incompetant bastards get trampled on by giant tripods, which is mildly diverting for three minutes, but for the rest of the time, this is out-of-this-world cack.

Going to parties dressed as a German terrorist that nobodies heard of Not entirely sure if everyone can indentify with this dilemma at all, but when you shave your legs and chest especially for the outfit, it’s a tad disappointing when it’s met with “so what are you supposed to be?”

Film Nothing of particular interest is on this week, but keep your eyes peeled for Three Ninjas (five, 4.35pm, Saturday) and Total Recall (ITV2 10pm, Thurs) neither of which are particularly amazing, but given the rest of this week’s films seem to be Julia Roberts sentimental tripe, you might need livening up.

Sport Yadda yadda yadda loads of Rugby games (Sunday, BBC2, Most of the Morning) because it’s the tri-nations, whatever that means. Elsewhere, it’s business as usual with Match of the Day (10.30pm BBC1, Saturday) Where everybody in the country bar Chelsea fans will be cheering on Wigan, whoever they’re playing. Football sucks.

Radio Tuesday, 9pm, Radio 2 has the Country Music Association Awards, which would be could if all the artists weren’t of the yahuck, gee! Nashville variety.

Apparently Kenny Chesney, who has recovered sufficiently it seems, from divorcing Renee Lipsface to be nominated for several awards, in the “divorce song of the year”, “yall I married Bridget Jones and man i’m pissed” category, and the special achievement award in the field of getting shot of overpaid hypochonidriac actresses with big lips. He’s got to be a shoe-in for that one surely. Catch the spittle at 12.55am. Yee haw!

Monday

Page 22

November 14 - 20 2005

gotapictureofyoubesideme@gotyourlipstickmarksstillonyourcoffeecup.com

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Trauma Uncut 21.30 Trauma Uncut 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 The Brothel 02.25 The Brothel 02.55 Who Rules the Roost? 03.55 Close Hey TV fans. TV Gareth here. I always know I’m safe up to this point.

But then what the hell am I supposed to say? Woah, I accidentally typed “what the heil” there in some pseudo nazi tirade.

Myself and Naziism generally steer clear of each other. Once I nearly made myself a Nazi style armband replacing the swastika with a treble clef, but apparently this was inadvisable. Although I can understand the merits of killing millions of people. The

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... Will Young 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Guess The Year 1:00 Hijacked By... Lady Sovereign 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Façade 3:00 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Memorial Service 5:30 Friends: The One With The Lottery 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Façade 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With The Memorial Service 8:30 Friends: The One With The Lottery 9:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00 Ghosts Of Mars 12:00 Peep Show 12:30 Porn: A Family Business: I Want To Be An Adult Film Star 1:10 Porn: A Family Business: Roller Disco Boogie 1:45 Hollyoaks Let Loose 2:45 Peep Show 3:10 The Next Joe Millionaire 3:55 Fool Around... With Jodie Marsh 4:55 The Next Joe Millionaire

M

E

T

I

M

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06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.10 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.20 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.40 Hi-5 09.15 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "Hart to Hart: Home Is Where the Hart Is" The Bret Hart story. 15.30 Film: "Columbo: It's All in the Game" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 The Gadget Show 20.00 Fifth Gear 21.00 The Woman with Half a Body: Extraordinary People This is blatantly not going to live up to the potential its title may suggest it has. Now, were this to be about a woman who had one half of her body severed from the other, vertically, and therefore had one arm/leg/eye/ear/ovary and had to hop around but had had her wounds stitched up REALLY well so that one side of her was COMPLETELY flat, now THAT would be awesome. I hope I’ve explained that sufficiently well, it’s an image worth savouring.

22.00 TV Makeovers that Changed the World 23.05 Gangsters' Wives 24.10 Peter Benchley's Amazon 24.55 Ironman Triathlon 01.45 NFL Live Monday Night American Football 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

I

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline USA In Sickness and in Health 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show1:30 Coronation Street 2:00 Emmerdale 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Dr Soloman's Travelling Alien Show 7:30 Spin City: Blind Faith 8:00 Airline 8:30 Airline 9:00 ITV's Best Ever Ads 10:00 Office Monkey 10:30 Coronation Street 11:00 Coronation Street 11:30 FILM: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure 1:15 3rd Rock from the Sun 1:40 Spin City Blind Faith 2:05 The Ricki Lake Show 2:45 Teleshopping 5:45 ITV2 Nightscreen to quite a bit of Blur this weekend.

Thumbs up. I mean the bits of Blur that aren’t hand in hand with lager louts and aren’t post Coxon, I have a reputation to maintain. Look over for TV Gareth’s definitve guide to ‘emo’, unofficially in association with WIkipedia.

6:10 The Hoobs: Stuffing 6:35 The Hoobs: Stories 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends: The One With The Hypnosis Tape 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Nina Sees Red 8:25 Will & Grace: Flip-Flop 8:55 Frasier: The Two Mrs Cranes 9:25 My Eden 9:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55 The Thin Club 10:45 Don't Make Me Angry: Scott Warner 11:10 The Unteachables 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 In Your Face: Village Portrait By Annie Ovenden 1:15 3 Minute Wonder: Modern Painters 1:25 Scarouche 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Treehouse Of Horror V 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Pure Passion: I Love What I Do I may well also love what they do.

Depending on what they do.

I am likely to love what they do if it involves cookies. I loooove cookies.

8:00 Priest Idol 9:00 The Somme 11:10 John Peel's Record Box 12:15 The Strokes: Video Exclusive I met two fifths of The Strokes in the Tate Modern in February 2002. Fab said he liked my blazer. I was wearing my school uniform. 12:20 Paul Mccartney: Behind The Chaos 12:50 Love And Sex 2:15 Floating 2:35 Strange Little Girls 2:50 Dish 3:00 Wanted: New Mum And Dad 4:00 A Giant In Ancient Egypt: Secrets Of The Tombs 4:20 Tudor Times: Food, Drink And Entertainment 4:40 King Jie And The Angel: Off With Her Head 4:55 Double Act 5:20 Animated Tales Of The World 1: The Tyrant And The Child 5:35 Extra 3: Auf Deutsch Ferienzeit 6:00 Close

R

19.00 Coast 20.00 The World 20.30 African School 21.00 Animation Nation 22.00 Animation Nation Shorts 23.00 Time Shift: Children's News 23.40 When Toby Met Julie: The Story of the Modern Review 24.40 Animation Nation 01.40 African School 02.10 When Toby Met Julie: The Story of the Modern Review 03.10 Time Shift: Children's News 03.50 Close criteria for death doesn’t match with mine, I prefer music taste to race as an attribute warranting murder and I would have chosen more grizzly methods. Anyway, we shouldn’t get into this now. Much because I can’t think of anything else to talk about on the subject. Just to make clear; TV Gareth = not a Nazi. One thing I’ve been thinking about this week is the Kaiser Chiefs. You may be aware that they haunt my thoughts most of the time, mostly due to you fuckwits who say “the Kaiser Chiefs aren’t shit” even though they’re shit! Now I have only one thing good to say about these ADD 30 somethings, and that is thanks to them I listened

6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Mum - Today We All Disown You After dinner time I hope, don’t wanna go making any rash decisions before you’ve been fed. 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel Which we can all be grateful for, seeing as it’s not Loose Sodding Women. 2:30 Crash Course 3:30 Pocoyo Where's Pocoyo? 3:35 SpongeBob SquarePants Can You Spare a Dime? 3:50 Art Attack Mini Makes 4:00 Feel The Fear Holly v Flying 4:30 You Say We Play: My Parents Are Aliens 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30 Coronation Street 9:00 Walk Away and I Stumble 10:30 ITV News 11:00 The Food Show 11:30 The Guest List 0:00 Champions League Weekly 0:25 999 Frontline 0:55 The Jeremy Kyle Show Saved from Certain Death for Being Different Serves you right goff.If you were saved then that so called ‘certain’ death wasn’t all that certain was it? I despair. TV ‘punmeister’ John should be in charge of all TV program names in my humble opinion. My opinion is never humble. 1:50 60 Minute Makeover 2:40 Love 2 Shop 3:05 Redcoats 3:35 Entertainment Now! 4:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4:25 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News Hmm, the merits of writing in a bigger font.

I vote yes.

PRIMETIME

6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Really Wild Show 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Something Special 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 The House Detectives 10:30 Primary Geography: Using the Land 10:40 Around Scotland 11:00 What? Where? When? Why? 11:15 Words and Pictures Plus 11:30 Words and Pictures Plus 11:45 Look and Read 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 The Maths Channel - Year 5 1:10 The Maths Channel - Year 5 1:20 The Maths Channel - Year 5 1:35 FILM: Letter from an Unknown Woman It is only now the dangers of not writing a return address on the back of an envelope when sending a letter are fully realised. 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Thoroughly Modern Matron 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Jonathan Miller's Brief History of Disbelief 8:00 Dubai Dreams 8:30 University Challenge 9:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9:30 Broken News 10:00 Have I Got News for You 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 In Search of Shakespeare He was lurking on BBC One at about 8.30ish I believe. True Fact...True Fact.

12:20 Joins BBC News 24 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: French Experience 2: 1-10 3:30 French Journey 5:30 Eurografters: France

Priest Idol C4 8pm

P

In Your Face C4 1.00pm

PRIMETIME

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Uncharted Territory 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Foreign Exchange 11:45 Bargain Hunt 12:30pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Paul and Izzy turn to crime.

Steph is living in fear. Connor still worries about his age difference with Serena. And Joe has a romantic encounter with a dog!

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Pinky and the Brain 4:15 Tracy Beaker Parties with Pudsey 4:30 Patrick's Planet I would imagine this is Patrick Moore’s wet dream 4:55 Blue Peter 5:20 Newsround Extra 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 The Great Big Bid 7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Macbeth My overriding memory of the Shakespeare play Macbeth is the bit where my GCSE English teacher throws her car keys at a fellow pupil for greasing the door handle with Vaseline.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 They Think It's All Over 11:05 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 11:35 FILM: Hideous Kinky 1:15am: Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2:05 Sign Zone: The Queen's Cavalry 2:35 Sign Zone: Coast 3:35 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business 4:05 Joins BBC News 24

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06:10 THE HOOBS: Big Loaf 06:35 THE HOOBS: It's a Mystery 07:00 B4 07:30 FRIENDS: The One With The Cuffs 08:00 JUST SHOOT ME: The Odd Couple 08:25 WILL & GRACE: Love and Marriage 08:55 FRASIER: A Word To The Wise Guy 09:25 TBA 09:30 THE DEADLY KNOWLEDGE SHOW 09:55 RE-WRITING HISTORY 10:00 TATE MODERN 10:05 THE ILLUSTRATED MUM 11:50 TATE MODERN 11:55 RE-WRITING HISTORY 12:00 NEWS AT NOON 12:30 PLANED PLANT BACH 12:30 RIBIDIRÊS 12:45 SAM TN 13:00 BWS PARTI 13:15 MY EDEN 13:20 PREACHERS TO BE 14:25 DEAL OR NO DEAL 15:15 COUNTDOWN 16:00 PLANED PLANT 16:00 CAMPYFAN 16:25 OFN! 16:50 FFEIL 17:00 RICHARD & JUDY 18:00 THE SIMPSONS: Homer Badman 18:30 ROWND A ROWND 19:00 WEDI 7 19:30 NEWYDDION 20:00 POBOL Y CWM 20:25 FFERMIO 21:00 POPETH YN GYMRAEG 21:30 CEFN GWLAD 23:35 00:35 PRIEST IDOL 01:35 CINEMA SRI LANKA 03:15 DIWEDD/CLOSE

Wednesday

Page 24

November 14 - 20 2005

mrGrasshead@waterme.co.uk

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 FILM: "Stigmata" 22.35 7/7 Citizen Journalists 23.35 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 24.05 Desperate Midwives 24.35 Desperate Midwives 01.05 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.00 The Brothel 02.30 The Brothel 03.00 Desperate Midwives 03.30 Desperate Midwives 04.00 Close This is my little area of ‘Wednesday’ left to fill anD for some reason I’m running out of inspiring things to say. So I thought I’d tell you about the insanely bizarre conversation my friend and I had today (actually, it was more like just me talking and her listening). What exactly are meatballs? And how do they stay round? OK, you may try and tell me that they are balls of meat (duh, obviously) but how much of them is exactly meat?

I’m also curious as to what keeps them ballshaped as they don’t seem to have a skin like sausages do. Any ideas?

19.00 The War to End All Wars: Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister 21.00 The Standard of Perfection: Show Cats 22.00 House of Cards 23.00 When Britain Went Bananas Do you remember those comic relief t-shirts with big tomatoes on the front that changed from red to yellow depending on how warm they got? I loved mine. I just walked around with my t-shirt against my mouth breathing on it.

Probably didn’t look too good though. 24.00 Evacuees 01.00 The War to End All Wars: Days That Shook the World 02.00 When Britain Went Bananas for the second time in one night.

Quite impressive. 03.00 Evacuees 04.00 Close your window of your room if you live on the ground floor of your halls/house when you go out and even when you sleep.

Otherwise your window gets banged on at three in the morning by some demented chavS and you may feel tempted to approach the chav with a sharp or pointed instrument.

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline USA Battle of Wills 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Hopefully this is the one where Jeremy gets sat down on the stage himself and is patronised and ridiculed by his audience, then slapped thoroughly with a wet fish and smacked in the face by each and every one of the spotty teenagers he lectures.1:30 Airline USA Battle of Wills 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:40 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Feeling Albright 7:30 Spin City Lost and Found 8:00 The Xtra Factor: 24/7 9:00 My Teen's a Nightmare - I'm Moving Out 10:00 Coronation Street 10:30 ITV's Best Ever Ads 11:30 FILM: Total Recall 1:40 Office Monkey 2:05 3rd Rock from the Sun Feeling Albright 2:30 Spin City Lost and Found 2:55 The Ricki Lake Show 3:35 Teleshopping 5:35 ITV2 Nightscreen Text-based information service ITV2

6:00 Cubeez: Over & Under 6:10 The Hoobs: Taste 6:35 The Hoobs: Brave 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Hostess To Murder 8:25 Will & Grace 8:50 Frasier 9:20 The Great Pretenders 9:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55 Guns Are Cool 10:45 Don't Make Me Angry: Barney Biddles 11:10 The Unteachables 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 House Auction 1:30 Bhowani Junction 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Lisa On Ice 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Pure Passion: I Love What I Do 8:00 The View From River Cottage 8:30 Jamie's Great Escape 9:00 Grand Designs: Carmarthen 10:00 Lost: Outlaws 11:05 Vertigo 2005: U2 Live From Chicago 12:10 Kanye West: Live And Orchestral At Abbey Road 1:15 Modern Tosser....Jeremy Kyle 1:45 Reasons To Be Cheerful It’s Wednesday night which means that it’s over half way through the working week and the weekend is getting closer, Woolworths will never stop selling ‘pick and mix’ (cherry cola bottles are my favourite), Phil and Grant are back in Eastenders, the ‘League of Gentlemen’ are doing another live tour. 1:55 Freesports On 4: Surfing 2:25 Freesports On 4: Skateboarding And Breakdancing 2:50 British Supermoto Championship 3:20 Transworld Sport 4:15 Zero To Hero 5:15 Countdown 6:00 Close The lid of the ketchup bottle before shaking it..............................................

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... Daniel Powter 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Guess The Year 1:00 Hijacked By... Mcfly 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Run 3:00 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Fertility Test 5:35 Friends: The One With The Donor 6:05 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Run 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 7:55 Friends: The One With The Fertility Test 8:30 Friends: The One With The Donor 9:00 Desperate Housewives: Live Alone And Like It 10:00 Wife Swap 11:00 Lost: In Translation 12:00 Point Pleasant: Unravelling 12:50 Desperate Housewives: Live Alone And Like It 1:40 Wife Swap 2:40 Point Pleasant: Unravelling 3:20 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 4:05 Switched 4:25 Switched 4:50 Fool Around... With Spencer From Big Brother

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.10 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy else he’ll put you in a vat of boiling water, poach you and eat you on toast. Ouch. 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.20 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.40 Hi-5 09.15 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 FILM: "Facing the Enemy" 15.30 FILM: "Mary Higgins Clark's Pretend You Don't See Her" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Hunt for Africa's Killer Croc 20.00 Commando VIP 20.30 Dumber and Dumberest 21.00 FILM: "Erin Brockovich" 23.35 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 24.05 The Gadget Show 24.50 NASCAR Motor Racing 01.40 ITU Triathlon World Cup 02.30 European PGA Golf 03.20 NASCAR Busch Series 04.10 Race and Rally UK 04.35 Argentinian Football .........I speak from experience.

When I was 7 I was sitting in a posh restaurant with my parents and my bro couldn’t get the ketchup out of the bottle so my dad decided to give it a shake, but the lid wasn’t on properly and ketchup went all over the ceiling. Sadly, none of it hit ‘Take That’ who were sitting across the room at the same time. Gutted. (‘Close’ tip of the week).

PRIMETIME

6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show: Stabbed and Beaten Daughter, Stop Street Walking 10:30 This Morning For breakfast I had a donut, I know this is really unhealthy but it had to be done otherwise it would have gone stale and that’s a waste of a perfectly scrummy donut. (humour me) 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather Including local news and weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel I wonder about those two sometimes...Mel is blatantly up for it with Des. 2:30 Crash Course 3:30 Pocoyo The Great Race 3:40 SpongeBob SquarePants Squilliam Returns 3:55 Potatoes and Dragons All in the Family 4:05 Art Attack ‘the art rebels’ featuring art that’s fed up with being criticised by so-called ‘experts and decides to take its revenge.

4:30 My Parents are Aliens 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 The Bill 9:00 Take That for the Record So you thought we’d all had enough? Well apparently not.

10:30 ITV News 11:00 Crime Secrets 11:30 Orange Playlist 0:00 cd:uk Hotshots 0:25 Kaiser Chiefs in Profile 0:55 FILM: Alfred Hitchcock's Shadow of a Doubt 2:40 World Rally Championship 3:30 World Sport Featuring the semi-finals of the one-legged football world cup, heats for the juggling whilst scuba diving olympics and the finals of the cracker-eating championships 4:00 ITV Nightscreen Sleepytime...............................

5:30 ITV Early Morning News

Donʼ’t Make Me Angry C4 10.45am

PRIMETIME

6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Really Wild Show I saw Michaela Strachan in a pantomime at Wolverhampton theatre when I was ten and she played Peter Pan. She wasn’t very good, even a ten year old could see that. 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Something Special 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 FILM: What a Whopper! 11:30 The Daily Politics 1:00pm: Meet the Ancestors 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 House Invaders 2:30 Garden Invaders Right this is to remind you, Charis (flat mate) and all those that neglect their ‘Mr Grassheads’ and other loving plants: WATER IT NOW! How is he supposed to grow a full head of grass that you can style if you don’t give the poor fucker any water?! Watch ‘Garden Invaders’ it might teach you heartless people a lesson or two. 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Thoroughly Modern Matron 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Mechannibals Today’s program features a mechanic mixed grill.

7:30 Rough Science 8:00 Natural World 8:50 New Forest Adders 9:00 Rome 9:50 Scandal 10:20 What the Romans Did for Us 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Family Ties: The Third Woman 11:50 Family Ties: The Showgirl's Daughter 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision: Science 3 4:00 Race

Frannyʼ’s Feet five 6.20am

PRIMETIME

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Uncharted Territory 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Foreign Exchange 11:45 Bargain Hunt 12:30pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Sindi shuts Stuart out of her life for his own good.

Boyd's under the impression that Janae's got a crush on an older man. Susan discovers she's the subject of Janelle's book. And Lou begs to stay at a surprising Ramsey Street address 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Mona the Vampire 4:15 Tracy Beaker Parties with Pudsey 4:30 Patrick's Planet is round and pin 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 The Great Big Bid 7:30 Watchdog 8:00 What Not to Wear Belts that are so huge they cover half of your body (which may be their function but why can’t they actually do what they’re meant to and hold your trousers up?) 9:00 7/7: The Day the Bombs Came 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 The Richard Dimbleby Lecture 2005 11:25 FILM: Regeneration 1:20am: Sign Zone: ONE Life 2:20 Sign Zone: Garden School 2:50 Sign Zone: Coast 3:50 Sign Zone: Spending Other People's Money sounds good to me! 4:20 Joins BBC News 24

P R I M E T I M E

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The Brothel BBC3 2am

P R I M E T I M E

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs: Camel 06:35 The Hoobs: Talking To Yourself 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:30 Will & Grace 08:55 Frasier 09:25 The Deadly Knowledge Show 09:50 The Deadly Knowledge Show 10:15 The Black Farmer 11:05 How Sport Shook Up The World 11:30 Bitesize Cemeg 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:45 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 Tba.... 13:20 Time Team 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip?

16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00Pobol Y Cwm 20:25Cwpwrdd Dillad 21:00 Popeth Yn Gymraeg 21:30 04 Wal 22:00 Sioe Gelf 22:30 Lost: Numbers 23:30 Heroes Of Comedy 00:30 Fatal Attraction 01:30 Prince Eddy: The King We Never Had 02:30 Bollywood: Murder (2004) 05:05 Diwedd/Close

Thursday

November 14 - 20 2005

Page 25

iclosemyeyes@drawbackthecurtains.com

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Who Rules the Roost?

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 EastEnders 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Trauma Uncut 24.00 Trauma Uncut 24.30 Who Rules the Roost?

01.25 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.25 Trauma Uncut 02.55 Trauma Uncut 03.25 Life Class How to while away a rainy weekend in South Wales: Firstly, you’ll need to purchase the finest bottle of Merlot you can afford. Mix this with a dash or two of Apple Tango and you have yourself an irresistable concoction. Drinking this last Saturday resulted in a rare apperance from my drunken alter-ego “TV Disgrace”. TV Disgrace likes to sit in bins and generally cross the boundaries of social decency. As I write this we are toying with the idea of buying a bottle of wine... 04.20

19.00 The Avengers 19.50 Sounds of the Sixties Next week: Trends of the Nineties: Aaah...Reminisce about the days when if you had some Wella colour mousse, a Naf-Naf t-shirt, a mood ring and a hair braid you were coolest person in the school.

Unfortunately I had all these and was still a complete and utter LOSER. 20.00 The World 20.30 Mind Games 21.00 Tales from the Palaces 21.30 Let Freedom Ring: Days That Shook the World 22.30 The Late Edition 23.00 Don't Watch That Watch This! Paint drying, grass growing, Stargate, Airline, milk evaporating... 23.30 QI 24.00 Tales from the Palaces 24.30 Let Freedom Ring: Days That Shook the World 01.30 The Late Edition 02.00 Don't Watch That Watch This!... osmosis through a microscope and 02.30 Mind Games 03.00 Tales from the Palaces 03.30 Let Freedom Ring: Days That Shook the World

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline USA Let There Be Love 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline USA Let There Be Love 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Collect Call for Dick 7:30 Spin City All the Wrong Moves 8:00 My Child Can't Stop Eating: Real Families 9:00 Girls Aloud: Home Truths Girls Aloud: Council Estate Scum. Cheryl Tweedy is a hot contender for the title of the most chavvy woman in music, along with Fergie from Black Eyed Peas (big slag), Charlotte Church and Mutya from Sugababes.

10:00 FILM: Total Recall 0:10 3rd Rock from the Sun 0:40 Spin City All the Wrong Moves

Bird Flu five 9pm

6:00 Cubeez: Sports Day 6:10 The Hoobs: Hiding 6:35 The Hoobs: Shells 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends: The One With A Chick And A Duck 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Toy Story 8:25 Will & Grace: Courting Disaster 8:55 Frasier: A Crane's Critique 9:25 My Eden 9:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55 Sticks And Stones 10:45 School Of Hard Knocks: Tom Baker 11:10 The Unteachables 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 Film: The Bridges Of Madison County Premiere Starring Clint Eastwood. My librarian at secondary school was called Mrs Eastwood. We used to call her Clint. She banned me from the library, the miserly old cunt.

3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Homer Badman 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Pure Passion: I Love What I Do 8:00 Gordon Ramsay's F Word This week Ramsay learns welsh: Ffasiynol: Fashionable. Fffaith: Fact Ffug: Fictitious Ffrwythlonrwydd: Fertility Ffenestrog: Having Windows 9:00 Uk Music Hall Of Fame 2005 This week North and South get indited.

11:50 Film: Boiler Room Premiere 2:05 Pritch And Panch: The Cinderfella Experience 2:35 Cinema Sri Lanka: Flying With One Wing The story of the drummer from Def Leppard’s struggle for acceptance in a primarily two-armed world.

4:15 Self Portraits: The Me Generations : Togetherness 5:15 Countdown 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... Bananarama 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Guess The Year 1:00 Hijacked By... Emmerdale 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Transference 3:00 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One In Barbados 5:30 Friends: The One In Barbados 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Transference 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One In Barbados 8:30 Friends: The One In Barbados 9:00 One Tree Hill: The Lonesome Road 10:00 The Simple Life: Interns 10:30 Tommy Lee Goes To College 11:00 The Pela Anderson Roast 12:15 Criss Angel Mindfreak 12:45 One Tree Hill: The Lonesome Road 1:35 The Simple Life: Interns 2:05 Tommy Lee Goes To College 2:35 The Pela Anderson Roast 3:35 Queer As Folk 4:30 Switched 4:50 Fool Around... With Catalina Guirado

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.10 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.20 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.40 Hi-5 09.15 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "The Jayhawkers!"

Sequel to the popular epic “Kerbcrawlers”. When I was an innocent little cherub, I used to think that a kerbcrawler was someone who drove too slowly. I also thought that when a sign said “No Soliciting” it meant that you shouldn’t practice law near it. 15.30 five news update 15.35 Film: "Nowhere to Land" The story of Concorde.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 The Bronze Whaler: Great Ocean Adventure 20.00 How Not to Decorate 21.00 Bird Flu: What You Need to Know 22.00 House 23.00 MTV Europe Music Awards 2005 Anyone who missed R. Kelly’s performance where he acted out all the roles in Trapped in the Closet: Part 1, gets a another chance to see him forget all the lines he is miming to. Ace. 01.00 John Barnes' Football Night 01.40 Golazo Football Show 02.30 Dutch Football 04.00 Portuguese Football 05.30 Argentinian Football 5.35 Lebanese Toe-Badminton 5.47 French Baguette-Tossing.

La-de-la-darrrrr.

029 20229977

P R I M E T I M E

6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Crash Course 3:30 Pocoyo Don't Touch 3:35 SpongeBob SquarePants Krab Borg! 3:50 The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00 All Grown Up! Ladies Man 4:30 The Giblet Boys Open Wide 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 The Ferret When it rains my hair does crazy things. Tonight is no exception. I look like Hagrid.

8:00 The Bill 9:00 Doc Martin 10:00 Kenny Everett - Must See TV 10:30 ITV News 11:00 Wales This Week 11:30 Soccer Night 0:00 Never to be Forgotten Sport 0:25 Shoot the Writers! Hopefully not featuring the writers of TV Desk, who were out in force at the weekend.

Apologies to Gary Andrews, the ex-editor of this very newspaper who now has a wall covered in lipstick kisses, no thanks to TV Desk. Although I provided the lipstick, it was most certainly NOT my idea. I’d just like to clarify that. Sorry Gary. 0:55 Rob Thomas in Profile 1:20 Providence You Can't Hurry Love This tops the list of the most annoying school disco anthems along with Build Me Up Buttercup, Summer of ‘69 and Livin’ on a Prayer. 2:05 Too Many Cooks 2:55 Cybernet 3:20 Motorsport UK 4:00 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News TV Desk lock your listings to baseline grid

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Really Wild Show 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Something Special 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 The House Detectives 10:30 Watch 10:45 Something Special 11:00 The Chronicles of Narnia 11:15 Numbertime 11:30 Henry's Wives with Terry Deary 11:40 See You, See Me - Money I don’t see very much of it these days, after spending all but a hundred quid of my loan in classic TV Grace fashion, which involves drawing out 100 quid from the cashpoint by “accident” (I meant to type in “10”, honest) and buying everything you could possibly not want. 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Nero Wolfe Mysteries 2:30 Garden Invaders 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Thoroughly Modern Matron 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Last Hope Clinic 7:30 The Good Life 8:00 Restored to Glory 9:00 The Jungle Beat: This World 10:00 Sensitive Skin I once told my friend that putting whipped cream on her face would clear her acne. She still hates me.

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 TV Africa 12:20am: African Cinema: An Introduction 12:50 Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize 4:00 GCSE Bitesize I’ve consumed a bottle of cherry lambrini. Byeee!

P R I M E T I M E

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Uncharted Territory 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Foreign Exchange 11:45 Bargain Hunt 12:30pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Mona the Vampire 4:15 Tracy Beaker Parties with Pudsey 4:30 Patrick's Planet 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 The Great Big Bid 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Bleak House 8:30 EastEnders 9:00 Little Britain 9:30 The Worst Week of My Life Last week I managed to babble incoherently like a spastic for ten minutes and attempted to pass this off as an informative presentation. A couple of days later I found myself in the darkest depths of Newport being threatened by a sweaty special-brewswilling tramp after I had taken his picture in a vain attempt to capture the “spirit” of Newport through the medium of photography.

Luckily I was in a car at the time and managed to make a speedy getaway. Phew.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week 12:25am: Sign Zone: Panorama 1:05 Sign Zone: Hotel on Sea 1:35 Sign Zone: It Beats Working 2:05 Sign Zone: Road Rage School 2:35 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business 3:05 Joins BBC News

Pure Passion C4 7.55pm

P R I M E T I M E

Something Special BBC2 9.25am

The Great Big Bid BBC1 7pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs: Ba-Boom! 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends: The One With The Dirty Girl 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:30 Will & Grace 09:00 School Of Hard Knocks 09:25 Teen Life 2005: Live Now, Pay Later 09:50 The Deadly Knowledge Show 10:15 The Black Farmer 11:05 How Sport Shook Up The World 11:30 Bitesize Cymraeg Ail-Iaith 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:45 Barrug 13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:15 Frasier: Chess Pains 13:40 Deal Or No Deal 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Crafwr 16:25 Teledu Eddie 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard &Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Homer The Great 18:30 Hip Neu Sgip? 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Dudley 21:00 Popeth Yn Gymraeg 21:30 Twrio 22:00 Darn O Dir 22:30 Bandit 23:00 The Ghost Squad: Heroes 00:00 Sex Addict 01:00 Film: I Am Sam (2001) 03:20 Copa Sundamericana 04:15 Monster Mania

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Friday

Page 26

November 14 - 20 2005

alltheleaves@arebrownandtheskyisgrey.co.uk

ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show: I Slept with My Best Friend - Am I the Dad? Hang on a minute, how can they be their best friends dad and also be sleeping with then?

Results 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Crash Course Chartering Status Quo’s flight which ultimate ends up in DEATH en route to the Children in Need studio. 3:30 Pocoyo Mystery Footprints 3:35 SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50 Planet Sketch Sandwich 4:00 Disney's The Legend of Tarzan 4:30 Harry Hill's Shark Infested Custard 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30 Airline 9:00 The Final Quest A tribute to Status Quo after their flight into the Children in Need studio ultimately ended in DEATH earlier this evening.

10:30 ITV News 11:00 Fact Hunt 11:30 The Frank Skinner Show 0:30 Numbers It’s not CSI, that’s all I’m saying.

1:25 Dragnet Sticks and Stones 2:10 Entertainment Now! 2:35 ITV at Reading 2005 3:30 The Darkness in Profile Big noses and Freddy Mercury corpse-sniffing all round, then.

3:55 cd:uk Hotshots 4:20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4:45 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News We’re currently writing out our Christmas lists. I’ll have Twilight Zone series 1 on DVD please.

6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Mum - Today We All Disown You After dinner time I hope, don’t wanna go making any rash decisions before you’ve been fed. 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel Which we can all be grateful for, seeing as it’s not Loose Sodding Women. 2:30 Crash Course 3:30 Pocoyo Where's Pocoyo? 3:35 SpongeBob SquarePants Can You Spare a Dime? 3:50 Art Attack Mini Makes 4:00 Feel The Fear Holly v Flying 4:30 You Say We Play: My Parents Are Aliens 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30 Coronation Street 9:00 Walk Away and I Stumble 10:30 ITV News 11:00 The Food Show 11:30 The Guest List 0:00 Champions League Weekly 0:25 999 Frontline 0:55 The Jeremy Kyle Show Saved from Certain Death for Being Different Serves you right goff.If you were saved then that so called ‘certain’ death wasn’t all that certain was it? I despair. TV ‘punmeister’ John should be in charge of all TV program names in my humble opinion. My opinion is never humble. 1:50 60 Minute Makeover 2:40 Love 2 Shop 3:05 Redcoats 3:35 Entertainment Now! 4:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4:25 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News Hmm, the merits of writing in a bigger font.

I vote yes.

19.00 Tales from the Palaces 19.30 Illuminations: Treasures of the Middle Ages 20.00 The World 20.30 The Cinema Show 21.00 Legends 22.00 The Highland Sessions This week, the Falthorpe Colliery Bagpipe quintet parp the greatest hits of the Proclaimers into a bowl of porridge oats, whilst a crowd of kilt-wearing cabertossers swig Famous Grouse and chew haggis that they keep in their sporran. Still not enough stereotypes I think.

22.30 QI 23.00 The Late Edition Not to be confused with Early Edition that ridiculous program that used to be on BBC1 on Saturdays about the psychic journalist. Didn’t that die the same time as Due South?

23.30 The Avengers 24.20 Film: El Bonaerense Roughly translates as: The Paris Hilton show. 01.55 The Cinema Show 02.25 Legends This week: Don Henley, Mark Knopfler, Richie Blackmore and Ralph McTell. No seriously.

03.25 The Highland Sessions 03.55 Close

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Lady Sovereign 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Guess The Year 1:00 Hijacked By... 50 Cent 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Jinx 3:00 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Fiends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friend 8:30 Fiends 9:00 Brat Crap 10:00 Ghosts Of Mars 11:50 Peep Show 12:25 Massive Balls Of Steel 12:55 Kanye West: Live And Orchestral At Abbey Road Sounds like the sort of suitably ridiculous showcase that nobody except Kanye West could possible ever get involve with. Except, erm, I think Embrace did in 1997. 2:00 Ghosts Of Mars 3:45 Massive Balls Of Steel 4:10 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 4:55 Fool Around... With Calum Best The man who lowered the standard of what “Best” means.

Crash Course ITV1 2.30pm

6:00 Cubeez: Home Sweet Home 6:10 The Hoobs: Scared 6:35 The Hoobs: Spiky 7:00 B4 7:30 Fiends: The One With The Screer 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Miss Pretty 8:25 Will & Grace 8:55 Frasier 9:25 My Eden 9:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55 99 Ways To Lose Your Virginity No. 47: accidentally falling over onto the jutting out cock of a waxwork of Frank Sinatra. No 34: meeting Paris Hilton for three minutes. Arf. No. 85: On Beachy Head. I wish that had been mine. Or maybe that’s where I should have gone afterwards.

10:45 School Of Hard Knocks: Andrew Angus 11:10 Don't Make Me Angry Don’t mention Razorlight and the phrase “future of British music” anywhere near me.

11:35 School Of Hard Knocks: Kal Abdul 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:30 Bear Island 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:30 Friends 8:00 Ghostbusters 10:00 Peep Show 10:30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 11:05 The Osbournes 11:35 The Ge? What? I accidentally deleted the end of this program. Let’s pretend it’s called The German tribute to Status Quo, who ultimately DIED in a plane crash earlier this evening.

2:00 Bollywood Sirens: Murder 4:25 Self Portraits: The Me Generations 2/3: Loneliness Loneliness happens to be a very good song by Ed Harcourt. No I don’t read Q magazine before you ask.

5:25 Countdown 6:10 Close

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... Will Young 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Guess The Year 1:00 Hijacked By... Lady Sovereign 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Façade 3:00 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Memorial Service 5:30 Friends: The One With The Lottery 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Façade 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With The Memorial Service 8:30 Friends: The One With The Lottery 9:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00 Ghosts Of Mars 12:00 Peep Show 12:30 Porn: A Family Business: I Want To Be An Adult Film Star 1:10 Porn: A Family Business: Roller Disco Boogie 1:45 Hollyoaks Let Loose 2:45 Peep Show 3:10 The Next Joe Millionaire 3:55 Fool Around... With Jodie Marsh 4:55 The Next Joe Millionaire

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.10 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.20 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.40 Hi-5 09.15 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: Packin' It In The story of TV John in regard to TV desk. Not. 15.30 five news update 15.35 Film: Danielle Steel's Remembrance No doubt involving some sort of “tragedy” involving a legionnaire and his wife back home, if my knowledge of Danielle Steele is correct.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Pimp My Ride UK 20.00 Stargate Atlantis 21.00 Film: True Crime Such as Nelly’s N Dey Say, you know, the one that sampled Spandau Ballet.

Geddit?

23.30 Film: Major League 01.20 Top Buzzer A customer in my shop the other day asked for this on DVD. I almost had to be restrained by my co-workers from socking his front teeth out.

01.50 Film: Postcards from the Edge 03.30 The Dead Zone 04.15 Lexx 05.00 Russell Grant's Postcards This week I’m in Vienna, and I’m feeling... fat!

05.05 Russell Grant's Postcards This week I’m in Belfast, and I’m feeling.. fat!

05.15 Sunset BeachI’m going to see indie comrades The Decembersists next week. Yay!

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No. Especially after my ridiculous situation last year where I lived with two unemployed fuckers, one with two children, who did nothing but take copious amounts of drugs all day. The unemployed fuckers, I mean, not his children.

22.00 Film: Kiss the Girls The TV Manners story. 23.50 The Comic Side of 7 Days 24.20 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 24.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps With Will “David” Mellor, and Ralph “Chicken” Little.

01.20 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps With Will “Salmonella” Mellor and Ralph “Northern fuckfaced twat” Little.

01.50 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? I’ve already told you no! Never again! Five minutes would do, but never a complete stranger.

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99 Ways to Lose Your V irginity C4 9.55am

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Uncharted Territory 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Foreign Exchange 11:45 Bargain Hunt 12:30pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Joe deals with the devil when he takes a job with Paul. I know Paul’s a villain, but he’s hardly Beezlebub! 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 4:15 Tracy Beaker Parties with Pudsey 4:30 The Basil Brush Show 5:00 Blue Peter Book Awards 2005 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Children in Need Status Quo jet into RAF Brize Norton and hopefully explode in a hideous mess overarching the runway.

7:30 Children in Need 8:00 Children in Need 8:30 Children in Need 9:00 Children in Need 9:30 Children in Need Catherine Tate gets into a bit of 'bovver' in Albert Square. So what’s the Little Britain copycat doing on Eastenders then? 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Children in Need 11:00 Children in Need Bryan Adams performs one of his greatest hits.

Ooh which one’s it going to be? I’m holding out for Everything I Do..., Grace is hoping for The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me...Is You, Byan’s love song to his denim jacket, jeans and LA Gear trainers.

11:30 Children in Need 12:00am: Children in Need

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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:30 Will & Grace 09:00 Frasier 09:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show 09:55 The Black Farmer 10:45 School Of Hard Knocks 11:10 Teen Life 2005: Live Now, Pay Later 11:35 Teen Life 2005: Live Now, Pay Later 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:45 Pingu 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 Frasier 13:20 Deal Or No Deal 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Dan Datrys 16:25 Bôrd 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:25 Uned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25…21:00 Popeth Yn Gymraeg Aka Popping Your Clogs.

21:30 Cnex 21:45 9 Tan 9 22:15 Film: The Game 00:40 The Osbournes 01:10 Peep Show 01:40 Film: Downtime 03:20 World Touring Car Championships

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noddyangst@littleredandyellowcar.com

19.00 Rugby Union 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron More horrible little children that refuse to obey their parents are psychologically assessed by some woman. I think.

21.00 Film: "Beverly Hills Cop II" 22.40 Bodies 23.40 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.10 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps again.

24.40 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps What can I say here....hmm...If you like ‘two pints of lager” then you’re gonna love this, if not don’t bother because that’s all this channel appears to be showing tonight.

Actually, this is all this channel appears to be showing every night.

01.10 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.40 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger?Why the hell would you want to do that? Is that a venture that is likely to be successful? No, blatantly not.

02.40 7/7 Citizen Journalists 03.35 The Comic Side of 7

19.00 Britten: Noye's Fludde 20.00 This Sceptic Isle 21.00 The Cinema Show Stuart Maconie presents the film magazine.

21.30 Film: "Springtime in a Small Town" 23.25 Don't Watch That Watch This! Or, alternatively, switch off the TV, open a bottle of wine and have an in-depth conversation with close friends about the meaning of life and what you hope to achieve while you are on earth. At the same time cook a hearty meal that you can all share. After, maybe play some obscure chillout music and eat fine cheeses whilst drinking vintage port and discussing current affairs. Or, if this sounds like a lot of effort (as, undoubtedly, it is) you may just prefer to switch channels to E4 and watch ‘Porn: A Family Business’ (I’m not saying this will be good, by the way, the title just sounds bizarre, trashy and amusing) or ‘The X Factor, a good chance to winge and bitch.

23.55 Peter Brook's Hamlet 02.10 This Sceptic Isle 03.10 Britten: Noye's Fludde

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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 2.30 Date My Daughter 3.15 Planet's Funniest Animals 3.30 Package Holiday Undercover 4.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

5.30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 6.30 Orange Playlist 7.00 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire 7.30 Planet's Funniest Animals.

8.00 Movies Now. 8.10 The Xtra Factor 9.10 Planet's Funniest Animals.

9.40 The Xtra Factor 10.10 Get Me Out of Here!

Burrell Goes Back 11.10 FILM: Bulletproof 0.50 The X Factor 1.50 The X Factor Results 2.30 The Xtra Factor 3.00 Emmerdale Omnibus 4.55 Teleshopping. Because of course that is what every woman wants to be doing at 4.55am. Without a doubt.

5.55 ITV2 Nightscreen.

Death of a Porn Star C4 11.20pm

6:10 The Hoobs: Disappearing 6:35 The Hoobs: Slow 7:00 Nokia Totally Board 7:30 4endurance: Wilderness Arc 8:00 The Morning Line 8:55 T4 T4: Futura: The Why Of Fry 9:25 T4: Pure T4 9:55 T4: Friends: The One With Joey's Big Break 10:30 T4: Popworld 11:20 T4: Friends: The One In Vegas 11:50 T4: The Simple Life: Interns 12:25 T4: The Simpsons: The War Of The Simpsons 12:55 T4: Totally Frank 1:30 T4: Friends: The One In Vegas 2:00 Channel 4 Racing From Huntingdon And Lingfield Park 4:00 A Place In The Sun: Barcelona 4:25 Deal Or No Deal 5:10 Gordon Ramsay's F Word fruity, flavoursome, fresh, floral, floaty, fluent, fantastic, fabulous, flamboyant, fragrant, fine...

6:10 Unreported World: Iraq: On The Front Line 6:40 Channel 4 News 7:05 Alien Worlds 8:05 Secret History: Dogfight 9:10 John Q Premiere 11:20 Death Of A Porn Star 12:20 4music: John Peel Tribute Video 12:25 4music: Dubplate Dra 12:45 4music Presents... David Gray 1:10 4music: Goldie Lookin Chain's Journey Through R 'N' B 1:25 4music: Jamiroquai: Live In London 1:50 4music: Dr John On The Road TV John hits the road to sooth us all with his therapeutic mix tapes that he plays to us all here at TV Desk in chronological order of when they were mixed. At the moment we’re on January 2003....”I fought the law and the law won”. 2:05 4music: Hit40uk 2:30 Sufi Soul - The Mystic Music Of Isl 3:30 Howard Goodall's Great Dates: 1564 4:30 Self Portraits: The Me Generations: Shattered

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 9:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00 Whatever...

You Want 11:00 Whatever...

You Want 12:00 You Can't Go Out Like That! 1:00 Dancing Queens 2:00 Hit40uk 2:35 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00 Friends: The One With The Chicken Pox 5:30 Friends: The One With The Football 6:00 Brat Camp Usa 7:00 Wife Swap 8:00 Friends: The One With The Chicken Pox 8:30 Friends: The One With The Football 9:00 The 100 Greatest Movie Stars 12:45 Porn: A Family Business: Ass And You Will Receive I’m hoping the actual pornographic acts aren’t carried out within the family because that would just be gross. 1:20 Porn: A Family Business: Time Is Of The Assence 1:55 Wife Swap 2:55 Bt Digital Music Awards 2005 3:55 Hit40uk 4:20 Switched 4:45 Switched 5:00 Brat Camp USA Finally they’re locking up all the brats that America has spawned.

Thank God. (Let’s hope they don’t forget Britney)...

06.00 Sunrise 06.55 The SaveUms! 07.10 The Save-Ums! 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Otherwise he’ll throw a tantrum, jump into his little red and yellow car and drive off into the sunset and you’ll never see him again, until they drag his little pathetic body out of the bottom of the local river. And then you’ll feel bad. 08.00 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.15 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.30 Franklin 09.00 Gerald McBoing Boing the little spring that likes to have fun.

09.30 The Secret of Eel Island 09.45 Extreme Football 10.00 Dragon Booster 10.30 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 FILM: "The Mercury Project" 15.25 Joey 16.00 Joey 16.35 FILM: "3 Ninjas"Philip Schofield, Michael Parkinson and David Blunkett.

18.10 Wide World of Records Featuring Domino Day 20.00 Charmed 20.50 five news and sport 21.10 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.10 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 23.05 Film: "The Myth of Fingerprints" 24.45 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 01.30 FILM: "The Locusts" 03.30 Russell Grant's Postcards 03.45 Russell Grant's Postcards 03.50 Sunset Beach 04.30 Sunset Beach 05.15 Trading Spouses I presume this is similar to wifeswap, but maybe they actually trade, as in sell their spouses? I’m never really awake (well, rarely) at 5.15am so I wouldn’t know.

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Wakey! 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV Wales News and Weather 12.40 ITV at the Movies 1.10 Planet's Funniest Animals 1.25 FILM: Sabrina Down Under 3.00 Inspector Morse. The Last Enemy 5.00 ITV Wales News and Weather. 5.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather.

News update, sports results and weather report.

5.30 New You've Been Framed!

6.00 Harry Potter - Behind the Magic.

7.00 The X Factor Please please please let it be Chico that leaves this show tonight (not that I watch it regularly, honest). I cannot understand what’s going on there, why Sharon why?

8.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.10 The X Factor Results 9.40 Parkinson I love Michael Parkinson, I want to be related to him. Not only is he strangely cuddly he is also just really cool. And I want his job. Not sure why, just looks fun.

10.40 ITV News 10.55 FILM: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery My Dad looked strangely like Austin Powers when he got married back in 1972. He had the straight toothed grin, the wig-like hair (which was real), the flares, thick square black glasses and a blue carnation in the button-hole of his wedding suit. Poor mom, what was she doing?

0.35 FILM: Prizzi's Honor 2.50 cd:uk 3.40 Entertainment Now! 4.05 Mixmasters 4.30 Cybernet 5.00 ITV Nightscreen.

Text-based information service.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Rachel's Favourite Food for Friends 12:00pm: See Hear 12:50 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 1:20 Cagney and Lacey 2:05 FILM: Sherlock Holmes Faces Death 3:10 The Rockford Files 4:00 Monk. Mr Monk and the Game Show 4:45 Rugby Union. Wales v South Africa 6:55 What the Papers Say blah blah blah blah blah 7:05 Backlash 7:45 The 39th Annual Country Music Association Awards 8:50 Auschwitz: The Nazis and The 'Final Solution' 9:40 Bodies are pretty strange really. I’ve noticed that the feet of males tend to have a second toe larger than the big toe, which I find unnerving as my toes go down in descending order. I doubt this is true for all males but it seemed quite common amongst the members of my halls (well, about three of them, but hey).

Also bellybuttons freak me out.

11:05 American Dad. Roger Codger 11:25 Ideal 11:55 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 12:25am: The 39th Annual Country Music Association Awards 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: The Science of Climate 3:30 Uncertain Principles 4:00 The Birth of Liquid Crystals A program about liquid crystals and how they came about.4:30 Open Advice: A Different Way of Learning 5:00 The Ageing Files 5:30 Background Brief 5:45 Snapshots: Unlocking Autism

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6:00am: CBeebies: Tikkabilla 6:35 Pingu 6:40 Pingu 6:45 Pingu 6:50 Brum 10 minutes in Birmingham, absolutely thrilling.

Contains a big shopping centre, lots of kebab shops and violent crimes. 7:00 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 7:25 Arthur 7:50 Taz-Mania 8:10 Legend of the Dragon 8:35 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow The only good feature these guys had was when they decided to race crawling babies and place bets on which would win. So innovative. 11:00 Top of the Pops Reloaded 11:45 Sportsround 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather 12:10 Football Focus How long can Gary Lineker stare at a football for before his mind wanders.

Lineker at his best: saying very little. 1:05 Racing from Windsor and Haydock 2:25 Rugby Union.

Ireland v Australia 3:15 Football Update 3:25 Rugby Union. Ireland v Australia 4:30 Final Score 5:40 Weakest Link Anne Robinson’s face is getting tighter by the second.

Before we know it her face will be as flat as a pancake, not a wrinkle in sight, no eyes or nose either, just a big pair of silicone lips.

6:30 Strictly Come Dancing 7:45 The National Lottery Jet Set 8:20 Casualty 9:10 Strictly Come Dancing 9:40 Carrie and Barry 10:10 BBC News; Weather 10:30 Match of the Day 11:50 FILM: Stark Raving Mad Is how I’m gonna be at the end of the evening. However, after buying some wine from the Threshers downstairs I think I may be able to keep going a little longer. 1:30am: Joins BBC News 24.

Trading Spouses Channel 5 5.15am

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Brat Camp USA E4 6pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 French Football: Le Championnat 07:30 4endurance 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Scrapheap Challenge 10:00 Totally Frank 10:30 The Simple Life: Interns 11:00 H Side Story 11:30 The Simpsons 12:00 T4 Poll Winners Party With Smash Hits 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 16:15 Tba....

16:30 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol - Cymru V Awstralia 19:10 Y Clwb PêlDroed 19:45 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 20:00 Ar Y Lein 20:30 Noson Lawen 21:30 Cnex 21:45 Con Passionate 22:50 Film: John Q 01:00 The Mastercard Priceless Evening 02:30 Film: Boiler Room 04:45 Kotv 05:15 Diwedd/Close OK this is unusual. Usually S4C fills its little box all on its lonesome, but not today. Hmmm...... well. Charis (flatmate) this is another little reminder for you to water Mr Grasshead because I feel sorry for him and if you don’t look after him properly then I will be forced to steal him amd adopt him as my own.

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

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Page 28

November 14 - 20 2005

mymymy@ohhhheeee.co.uk

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

19.00 BBC Three Outtakes Show 19.15 Farscape 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Stars in Fast Cars 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.00 Little Britain Hmm not sick of this yet. At all. Not at all.

No way. it’s not got tiring in any way. Absolutely not.

22.30 Man Stroke Woman 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 24.30 Swiss Toni 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Man Stroke Woman Hilariously titled show here.

Who’d have though BBC3 could come up with such a thing? I feel sick.

02.25 Stars in Fast Cars Behind bars, with Sars, with babies in jars, covered in tar. Fnarr!

02.55 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger?

03.55 Close

6:00am: CBeebies: Tikkabilla 6:35 Pingu 6:40 Pingu 6:45 Pingu 6:50 Brum 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:10 Scooby-Doo and ScrappyDoo 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Style 11:30 Wild Africa 12:20pm: FILM: Sherlock Holmes and the Pearl of Death Sherlock investigates Anna Nicole Smith’s clitoris.

1:25 Sunday Grandstand 1:35 Racing from Aintree 3:05 Tri-Nations Rugby League.

GB v Australia 3:50 Rugby Union. England v New Zealand 4:40 Rugby Union 5:00 Rugby Union. Scotland v Samoa 5:30 Seal Sanctuary 5:40 Diving with Whales 6:10 Natural World 7:00 Top of the Pops 7:35 Malcolm in the Middle Arrested Development for teenagers. That’s not a bad thing, by the way.

8:00 Top Gear 9:00 In Search of Speed 10:00 Egyptian Journeys with Dan Cruickshank 10:30 Match of the Day 2 11:20 World Amateur Boxing Championships ERM isn’t Arrested Develoment supposed to be on now, not namby-pambly woofters in shorts bitchslapping each other?

12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Money Matters: Spend or Save? Spend! On us!

On wine!

3:00 Balance Your Books On your heads, and feel in touch with the plight of starving Africans.

4:00 Deal with Debt I don’t like how there’s loads of shows on about money just after I’m about to blow all my money on Frasier DVD’s 5:00 Account for Yourself

Sunday, November 20, 2005 19.00 Animalicious Bestiality, at this time of the evening? On BBC4? 19.50 Film: Twelfth Night 22.00 Car Crash: The Delorean Story Hands up who knows anything whatsoever about the Delorean apart from that it can time travel when struck by lightning at a certain time. Thought so. 23.00 Rover: The Long Goodbye 23.40 The Lost Road: Overland to Singapore 24.25 This Sceptic Isle 01.25 Animation Nation 02.25 Animation Nation 03.25 Animation Nation 04.25 CloseI’ve just noticed there’s a program on E4 at 4pm today called Young, Sexy And...Busted.

Seriously, you don’t know the meaning of the word sexy if you weren’t at the CIA late last year watching Busted, when Matt, avec eyeliner, covered Should I Stay or Should I Go by the Clash, and sweated profusely all over the stage. Sexy was pretty much made redundant in the English language in any other context after that moment, I can assure you.

Mystic Pizza C4 11.20pm

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Championship 10.25 Skillz 10.55 The X Factor 12.05 The X Factor Results 12.35 Jonathan Dimbleby including ITV News and Weather 1.35 ITV Wales News and Weather 1.45 Britain's Best Back Gardens 2.15 Waterfront 2.45 My Uncle Silas 3.15 The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby.

5.15 Never to be Forgotten.

Land of Song 5.45 A Story of Cardiff. There was once a boy, first name TV, surname John. He moved to Cardiff in 2001 and lived in Room 1, Flat 2, House J in Senghennydd Court. Then he moved to 42 Bedford Street.

Five years after he moved in, he’s still writing for the same student newspaper he was in 2001, where the first thing he reviewed was a Mogwai gig in Bristol. Then he died.

6.15 ITV Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV News; Weather.

6.50 Emmerdale 7.20 Creature Comforts 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Heartbeat. Blood Brothers 9.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!

10.30 OFI Sunday 11.15 ITV News 11.30 Fact Hunt 0.00 Faith and Music 0.35 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 2.00 60 Minute Makeover.

2.55 Love 2 Shop. Love 2 use knobbish text message language.

3.20 The Jeremy Kyle Show 4.20 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Get Me Out of Here!

Burrell Goes Back 10.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 11.25 With a Little Help from My Friends 12.25 Movies Now. 12.35 The Xtra Factor 1.05 In Her Shoes UK Premiere 1.35 Planet's Funniest Animals.

1.55 Emmerdale Omnibus 4.40 Coronation Street Omnibus 7.00 Get Me Out of Here!

Burrell Goes Back 8.00 The X Factor 9.10 The X Factor Results 9.40 The Xtra Factor 10.10 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Correct me if I’m wrong here, but I’m sure this film isn’t a> half an hour long, and b> even in the cinemas yet.

10.40 Coronation Street 11.10 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 0.10 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 0.35 My Teen's a Nightmare - I'm Moving Out 1.35 The Frank Skinner Show.

2.25 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live Thank God this show’s back, it means less to write on ITV2.

Young, Sexy, And...

Busted E4 4pm

6:15 The Hoobs: Crumbs 6:40 The Hoobs: Hang Ups 7:05 Transworld Sport 8:00 World Cup Skiing 9:00 T4: Hit40uk 9:30 T4: Futurama: The Sting 10:00 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:40 T4: Fiends 1:15 T4: Totally Frank 1:50 T4: H Side Story 2:25 T4: Fiends 2:55 T4: The Simpsons 3:30 T4: T4 Poll Winners' Party 2005 With Smash Hits 5:30 T4: Robbie Willis: Video Exclusive Give this shit a miss.

To think I used to respect Stephen “Tin Tin” Duffy.

5:35 Scrapheap Challenge 6:35 Lost The latest wank from the island of David Lynch wannabe’s. Oooh which mental plot twist probably ripped straight from the shooting scripts of Twin Peaks or Mulholland Drive are the bunch of idiots that nobody gives a toss about up to this week?

7:35 Channel 4 News 8:00 Not Forgotten Commemoration 9:00 Notting Hill 11:20 Mystic Pizza 1:15 Comedy Lab: Whatever 1:40 Dubplate Dra Once again the listings people have failed to include the second half of the program title. I reckon it’s supposed to say “Dubplate Drazic” in relation to the former Heartbreak High characters foray into drum n’ bass, and his club night, Chasing the Drazic. I might be wrong.

1:55 Freesports On 4: La Santa Pro Surf 2:25 Monster Mania 2:50 Kotv 3:20 French Football: Le Chpionnat 5:10 Post Modern Pastimes 5:20 Neighbourhood Tales: Chpion 5:25 Countdown 6:10 Close egergergergergergerrgergregre

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 9:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00 Whatever...

You Want 11:00 Whatever...

You Want 12:00 Greatest No 2's Note to self: Insert shit gag here later 1:00 Greatest No 2's Note to self: Insert shit gag here later.

2:10 Popworld 2005 3:00 H Side Story 3:30 Totally Frank 4:00 Young, Sexy And...Busted 5:00 Friends: The One Where Rachel Quits 5:30 Fiends 6:00 Playing It Straight 7:00 One Tree Hill 8:00 The Simple Life: Interns 8:30 Tommy Lee Goes To College 9:00 Lost: In Translation When all else fails in your WANK David Lynch rip-off show, steal a respectable film title!

10:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 11:00 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 11:35 Criss Angel Mindfreak 12:05 The Pamela Anderson Roast 1:20 Tommy Lee Goes To College 1:45 The Simple Life: Interns 2:05 Hollyoaks Let Loose 3:05 One Tree Hill: The Lonesome Road

06.00 Softies 06.05 Titch 06.15 Old Bear Stories 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 The Save-Ums! 07.05 The Save-Ums! 07.20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.10 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.30 Franklin 09.00 Gerald McBoing Boing 09.30 Demolition Dad 09.40 Extreme Football This week, ball of razorblades, on ice.

10.00 Michaela's Wild Challenge 10.30 Make It Big 11.00 The New Tomorrow 11.35 Heroes of History 12.00 A Different Life 12.30 The History of British Sculpture 13.05 five news update 13.15 Film: Flaming Feather 14.40 Film: Terms of Endearment 17.00 Joey 17.30 Joey 18.00 five news and sport 18.20 Film: Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey You know, I’ve never seen this. Like how I’ve seen Raiders of the Lost Ark and never seen Temple of Doom, I’ve seen ...Excellent Adventure a hundred times, but somehow this has always evaded me.

Is it good?

20.00 Britain's Worst...

Builder 21.00 Film: xXx Action film for people who don’t get out enough.

23.25 World's Wildest Police Videos 24.20 Adventure Triathlon 24.45 NBA Action 01.10 NFL Live: Sunday Night Game of the Week 04.45 Dutch Football

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am: Breakfast 7:35 Match of the Day 9:00 Sunday AM 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:00 Countryfile 12:00pm: The Politics Show 1:05 Keeping Up Appearances 1:35 Cash in the Attic So that’s what the Carter family did with Johnny’s ashes...

2:20 Diagnosis Murder 3:05 EastEnders 5:00 Lifeline Oh please give us some more money, we’ve made a documentary and everything!

On an unrelated note, anyone who wants to contribute to TV Desk’s red wine fund, contact us. You know it makes everything better.

5:10 Songs of Praise Religious crap!

5:45 Last of the Summer Wine Vintage crap!

6:15 Bleak House Postmodern crap!

6:45 Antiques Roadshow Antique crap!

7:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00 Rocket Man This reminds me of the final, and my favourite scene from Nicholas Cage vehicle The Rock, where the bad guy whose name I forget, has himself blown out of the side of Alcatraz by a mysteriously placed rocket.

9:00 Egypt 10:00 BBC News; Weather.

10:15 Panorama 10:55 Rome 11:50 FILM: Carpool This reminds me of my favourite, and final scene from Nicholas Cage vehicle, the Vauxhall Vectra...

1:20am: Sign Zone: Holby City 2:20 Sign Zone: Tales from the Green Valley TV Desk are uninanimous in their love of My Friends Over You by New Found Glory. BELIEVE IT.

Titch five 6.05am

P R I M E T I M E

five. 2.40pm

PRIMETIME

Terms of Endearment

P R I M E T I M E

029 20229977

Knob-Gobbler

P R I M E T I M E

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 World Cup Skiing 09:00 Hit40uk 09:25 Hollyoaks 09:55 Hollyoaks 10:25 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 12:00 The Simpsons 12:30 Yr Wythnos 13:00 Maniffesto 13:30 Rownd A Rownd 14:00 Rownd A Rownd 14:30 Gordon Ramsay's F Word No. 34: Frankenstein. 15:30 Dudley 16:00 Cwpwrdd Dillad 16:30 04 Wal 17:00 Welsh In A Week 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws 19:30 Canu'r Cymoedd 20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20:30 Cefn Gwlad 21:00 Dal: Yma/Nawr 22:20 Ffrsys Wyrs 22:30 Blas Y Cynfyd 23:00 Film: Stepmom Sentimental tosh with, I believe, Julia Roberts.

01:20 Film: Mystic Pizza Oh what’s this, more Julia Roberts nonsense, which is about pizzas, but is in no way mystical. 03:15 Film: The Iron Ladies Biopic about Iron Maiden groupies of the 1980’s.

05:05 Unreported World 05:30 Diwedd/Close

Five Minute Fun

November 14 2005

Page 29

ruiningyourlectures@gairrhydd.com

THUG LIFE HALL OF SHAME W

hy oh why would you do some of the things that we get sent pictures of?

Needless to say that, although they can’t all be printed, it’s good to see you students looking on the brighter side of life.

Keep em coming in.

certainly isn’t that. The one who hit me comes marching over, squares up to me and says: “what do you want!?” / “nothing” / “then why did you shout oi?” / “it was an accident, sorry” / “you will be” /“no, I already am” / “are you trying to be smart?” and on and on until a police car pulls up - the big rowdy business man steps back a little - a cop gets out and asks, “what’s going on here?”. I say, “this man is trying to start a fight with me”, my friend, cowering behind me up to now, backs me up.

The police man puts the man in the car, disperses his friends and drives off.

The next day something infuriating happens, people start asking me what I did to get hit and when I say “nothing”, they say things like, “bollocks, you must’ve said something”.

Yeah, he was clearly providing a righteous reaction, how, after all, could somebody not want to hit me with my provocational skills: I concede I shouted “oi”, but that was after. At least the police believed me, they know an irrational thug harassing an innocent bystander when they see it.

Text 07791 165 837

White Edgar Davids?

Dick and Dum.

Offer ends soon.

Colm Loughlin

SU DOKU & CROSSWORD 6

3

7

Fill in the grid using only the numbers 1 through 9. All the vertical and horizontal rows should contain the numbers 1-9. All the smaller 3x3 squares should contain the numbers 1-9. No row or 3x3 square should have the same number twice.

2 6 3 5

1 4 5 8

8 1 9

7 9 4 6 1 2 5 3 8

9

4

5 9 4 5 2 3 2

ACROSS

DOWN

1 Subjects, themes (6) 4 Made a blunder (6) 9 Yellow dessert topping (7) 10 High winds (5) 11 Stripped mammal of the giraffe family (5) 12 Sponsors or supporters (7) 13 Male deer (5) 15 Pallid, wan (5) 20 Pussy-willow ‘tails’ (7) 22 Modern copy of old furniture (5) 24 Life of ____, carefree existance (5) 25 Took retribution for (7) 26 Sings in Alpine way (6) 27 Club’s masseur, familiarly (6)

1 2 3 5 6 7 8 14 16 17 18 19 21 23

Heeeearrrs Johnny!

The Big Quiz THIS WEEK: There’s no theme

1. In the national screening programme how many under 25s are testing positive for chlamydia?

7 9 3 4

1 9 3 5

re Pictuhe Of T k Wee

?

HOW TO PLAY SU DOKU:

A SMALL HORSE.

Business mogul (6) Staple food of Italy (5) Stretching the neck (7) ____ to, should (5) Copious (7) State of not being employed (6) Change of suit (5) Told secrets (7) High-pitched cry (7) Move quickly (6) Lion in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (5) Haitian witchcraft (6) Scene of rural simplicity (5) Parts of a book (5)

2 3 8 4 9 5 1 6 7

1

5 6 1 3 7 8 9 4 2 2

4 2 5 9 3 1 8 7 6

3 8 7 5 6 4 2 1 9

6 1 9 8 2 7 4 5 3

1 7 6 2 4 9 3 8 5

8 4 2 7 5 3 6 9 1

9 5 3 1 8 6 7 2 4

3

Solutions to Issue 798:

Apparently the Su Doku last week was harder than than usual. We got our resident Guru on the case as we thought you might like the solutions.

4

5

6

7

8 9

14

15

17 20

24

26

2. Which concert just got voted the best of all time in a channel 4 show?

A: Live Aid B: Woodstock C: Something involving Pete Doherty, tedious scenesters and a crack den.

D: Brian Wilson performing ‘great lost album’ Smile in London, which, if you ask me, was much better when it was lost.

A: B: C: D:

12

13

19 22

26 million miles 2 million miles 3 light years 12 billion miles

4. Speaking of the Venus Express, where was it launched from?

16

18 21

One in nine One in seven One One in 30

3. How far does the Venus Express probe have to travel before it get where it’s going (Venus)?

10

11

A: B: C: D:

23

A: B: C: D:

Kazakhstan Russia Iran USA

25

27

answers: 1.A, 2.A, 3.A, 4.A

I’m in Dublin, visiting a friend.

We haven’t been doing much, sitting in his house during the day, going out and about at night: his house is a bit pokey and his flatmates are a bit weird: the comatose stoner variety, hardly all talk. Maybe, mind, they’re normally all talk, just not when I’m around.

We’re walking the streets, it’s cold, wet and late. I wish I had an umbrella or a hood or a taxi. A group of rowdy young men are approaching, I think they look a bit sinister, they’re all noisy and big and singing.

Perhaps, though, I think, I’m being prejudicial, they might be nice men, just letting their hair down after a hard week’s work - they’re all, by the way, wearing suits with loosened ties.

Just as I’ve decided they’re not so bad they pass us and one smacks me round the back of the head: really hard. They continue to walk, and, for no reason I can comprehend, I stop, turn around and shout “oi!”. I don’t know what I’m planning to do: maybe my shouting “oi” was instinctive and beyond my control, but I thought instinct was to do with survival and all that good stuff. This

Page 30

s g n i t Lis

Recommended listings@gairrhydd.com

The virtually fat-free gair rhydd This Week: Glaswegians, political comedians,

Jeremy Hardy

@ Glee Club Wed 16 Nov

7pm/ £9

Curitz recommends

J

eremy Hardy, former bar-room hell raiser, abandoned a life of booze and drugs to follow Jesus. Jesus gave him the slip so Jeremy went shopping.

Jeremy Hardy is one of the UK's foremost stand-up comedians. His live work has included Just 4 Laughs, (the Montreal Comedy Festival), the Edinburgh Fringe Festival where he won the prestigious Perrier Award in 1988.

Since then Jeremy has performed regularly throughout the British Isle's on sell-out tours. In 2002 Jeremy performed a sell-out run at London's prestigious Cochrane Theatre. Hardy has also performed in and co-written Unnatural Acts and At Home With The Hardys (Radio 4) from which a very suc-

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

Franz Ferdinand @ C.I.A

@ Barfly Pick e of th k Wee

Mon 14 Nov 7pm / £21.50 Schmit recommends

Y

ou could say that it would be highly derivative of me to simply rant on about how Franz Ferdinand have exploded onto the music scene (both here and in the US) with more force than Isaac Newton’s apple hitting the turf. If that’s the case, then call me derivative.

I got my first peek at Franz way back in Reading Festival in 2003 in the depths of the Carling Tent, and despite at the time not being able to utilise the schedule to actually work out who the band was, I sensed something special would come from it.

Coming Up

A couple of months, and a highly successful opening slot on the NME Tour later, the wheels on the Scots’ tractor had been set in motion with a Jaguar-like pace. Franz began their quest to drive their way into the minds of the masses.

Their eponymous debut album, and ‘difficult second album’ followed, which went down better than a clown at a kids party, and from there it moved along nicely. They became the band that they had always wanted to be: A band that made music that girls liked to dance to.

Of course it had not all been easy for the Glaswegians. They had to do some fairly swift brushing up on

November 14 2005

their musical ability, which was somewhat rough around the edges.

It took them a good while slaving away in a disused warehouse in Glasgow before their ambitions became the intense reality they are now.

Personally I’m a little disappointed by the venue as I feel it massively lacks the sweaty, up-close-and-personal ambience that is present in the likes of the Barfly or Clwb Ifor Bach.

Even so, if you haven’t seen them yet, you should now. They could become drug fuelled, fat, wasters and put down their instruments one day. Definitely one of the best bands in the world at the moment.

Weds 16 Nov 7pm / £5 Schmit recommends

C

lap Your Hands Say Yeah are an indie rock group based in Brooklyn, New York. They consist of Alec Ounsworth, Lee Sargent, Robbie Guertin, Tyler Sargent, and Sean Greenhalgh.

Their debut album, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, was self-released in 2005, receiving attention from several mp3 downloads and some highly acclaimed reviews.

The consequent demand for the album was so great that the band was forced to repress the CD, as the initial production run failed to reflect their ensuing popularity.

In the short time that they have been around, they have attracted the attention of the likes of David Bowie and David Byrne, who have recently been spotted at some of the band's shows, earning them even

cessful stage show ran at both the Edinburgh Festival and Hackney Empire.

He was also a regular panellist on BBC 2's Loose Talk and a regular guest on Radio 4's “Just A Minute”, “And I'm The Queen Of Sheba, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue”. Jeremy can also regularly be heard as an essential member of BBC Radio 4's hugely popular “The News Quiz” team.

Jeremy’s first book When Did You Last See Your Father? was published in 1992. His second book Jeremy Hardy Speaks To The Nation was the product of the Radio 4 show of the same name. In 2004 the radio show was nominated for a Sony Radio Award for Comedy.

In 1995 Jeremy appeared in and co- wrote Jack And Jeremy's Real Lives with Jack Dee for Channel 4.

In 2001 Jeremy was also a team captain alongside Graham Garden on BBC2's critically acclaimed series If I Ruled The World. He has also been a regular columnist for the Saturday Guardian and the Evening Standard.

Described as “one minute lewd, the next blimpish, the next acerbic, he is always one step wide of insult and one ahead of expectation”, this show is bound to be a sell out success- definitely one not to miss.

more press. Most recently, they received praise from Rolling Stone as the 'Hot New Band' for 2005. On October 3, 2005, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah were signed to Wichita Recordings in the UK. They are also a bit more than this, with frontman Alec Ounsworth having his solo/side projects (Alec Ounsworth, Flashy Python and the Body-Snatchers), while drummer Sean Greenhalgh is also the frontman for Guns N' Roses tribute band, Mr. Brownstone.

The band, who produce the kind of grandiose indie that the likes of Arcade Fire, and British Sea Power so beautifully generate, have already sold out a number of dates, so if this gig hasn’t sold out at the time of reading, it may only be a matter of time.

If I haven’t convinced you then you can always check out their ‘myspace’ website, where you can feast your ears on a couple of their tunes, on www.myspace.com/clapyourhandssayyeah.

I genuinely feel that it’s only a matter of time before these guys will be flooding into the stereos of the UK, building on the success they have already achieved in the US. A real chance to catch an indie gem before they are too big to squeeze into the vaults of the quite wonderful, Cardiff Barfly. Highly recommended.

GLC / The Automatic - 25 Nov @ Bridgend Recreation Centre ... Jem - Tues 29 Nov @ Students Union ... Hard Fi - Fri 2 Nov @ Students Union ... Zane Lowe - Mon 28 Nov @ UWIC ... The Others - Thurs 1 Dec @ Barfly ... Pogues / Dropkick Murphys - Mon 12 Dec @ Cardiff International Arena ... The Automatic - Sat 31 Dec @ Barfly ... Fallout Boy - Sun 22 Jan @ Students Union ... Goldfrapp - Weds 1 Feb @ Students Union ... Jack Johnson Band - Thurs 2 March @ Cardiff Internation Arena ... Dylan Moran - Sat 6 May @ St. David’s Hall ... Girls Aloud - Tues 30 May @ Cardiff International Arena ...

November 14 2005

Day By Day

Page 31

listings@gairrhydd.com

listings with Schmit and Curitz drum and base gurus, and some charity nights ......

Monday14/10 Pick Of The Day Xpress Radio @ 87.9FM Our DJs will be broadcasting on FM daily for the next 2 weeks. Tune in daily to catch some of our finest DJs and presenters on our very own radio station!

Tuesday15/11

Comedy Club @ CF10, SU It really is rather funny. This week: Francesca Martinez / Dan Thomas.8-11pm. £4 NUS Soul Motion@Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Rock . Metal . Goth. It’s sure to be a good alternative night out. 9pm. £2.50 Live @ Barfly The Steers / The Ivories / Shy Magnolias.

10.30pm £4

Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

X Factory @ The Taf Legendary X-press DJs. 9pm-1am FREE On the Side @ Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer.

I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger There are five rooms, five bars, one dance arena, a VIP lounge a live funk band and drinks promotions. 9.30pm. £3/4 NUS. Uberalles@ Buffalo Bar The latest rock and indie tunes. 9pm - 2am. £2/3.

Live @ Barfly Patricia Vonne / The Wide Range Readers Patricia has a voice that is strong, lush and supple and she blends her spirited Tex-Mex musical roots with splashes of rock, country and blues as well as the corridas and rancheras of her Mexican heritage. 7.30pm £5 Live @ C.I.A Franz Ferdinand. Book in advance to avoid disappointment. See facing page for details.

Comedy @ The Glee Club Three Men And Black. An acoustic walk through the music and influences of a generation of late 70s and 80s writers, performers, musicians and icons renowned for paving the way of youth culture at the time.

Live @ St. David’s Hall Blondie/ Hugh Cornwell. Blondie formed in 1974 and had a string of hits through the 70s and 80s as the instigators of the New York side of the new wave punk scene. Debbie Harry went on to pursue a successful solo careerbut the band reformed with No.1 single success with 'Maria' in 1999. 7.30pm £30 Gala Concert @ WMC Feat. the Storys in aid of the Welsh Kidney Foundation. £5-25.

Friday18/11

Saturday19/11

Fat Friday @ Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

Charity Night @ CF10 Xpress Radio presents a fun filled night in aid of Children in Need. Comedy, Djs, dancing and more. 7pm.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4.

Mad4It! @ Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever. 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Audio Velvet @ Buffalo Bar Weekly party action of new music mixed with beat driven mayhem from the past, present and future. Think 2ManyDJs with influences from Zane Lowe mixed with John Peel and a dash of Cold Cut. 8pm. £2/3.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach SUMO presents: Meat Katie. SUMO favourite Mark Pember aka Meat Katie brings his unique brand of tech-funk to Clwb Ifor Bach for this months shindig.10pm.

Live @ Barfly The Chalets / Five O'clock Heroes / The Love.

7.30pm. £5.

Comedy @ Jongleurs Geoff Whiting / Mandy Knight / Matt Welcome / Jarred Christmas.7pm. £8.

Pick Of The Day Cardiff Origins @ The Point A charity event in aid of homeless children.

DJ Phoenix / Zabrinski / Fortune / P’wanna..

Plus live samba and guest DJs. Go along ans show your support for a good cause.

7pm. £7.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Melt Banana / Shooting At Unarmed Men/ The Keep / Vicelords. Not content merely to be the rulers of start-stop noisecore, Tokyo's Melt Banana have demonstrated that they are also the rulers of everything else played in the context of making a racket. Apparently sounds like a hormonal schizophrenic. Hmmm... 8pm £7

Pick Of The Day Bass Invaders 4@ SU Guru of GangStarr, Roni Size + Dynamie MC, Pendulum. Plenty of DJs all under one roof. 9pm. £15.

Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul and fun Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday.

9pm - 2am.

Delinquent @ Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) £4/3 10pm – 2.30am.

Bar Lamerica @ Cantaloop Resident DJs. 9pm. £FREE for VIPs. Lamerica @ The Union Stonebridge / Lamerica Residents / Andy Warburton / DJ Iain Thomson / Craig Bartlett / Woody & Zeb / Leon Henry / Dave Little / Clare James. 10pm. £15.

Live @ Barfly The Jackson Analogue/ We Are Trees.

7.30pm. £5.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Gilespi / Bob / Pala / DJ Elfis Ifans. An eight piece band (they even have a cellist!) made up of seven ladies and one guy called Dave.

10pm. £7.50.

Wednesday16/11

Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber.10pm. £3.

Xpress Radio @ 87.9FM Our DJs will be broadcasting on FM daily for the next 2 weeks.

Indie Kids Die In Hot Bars @ Barfly Featuring the latest and greatest new music, live acts and guest DJ’s. The team behind Fly Swatter bring you Indie Kids Die in Hot Bars.

10.30pm. £4 Material @ Moloko Weekly night of left field disco, new wave and punk funk fused with the best of the new 80's influenced tunes. 8pm/2am. £Free.

Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music: aucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3.

Live @ Barfly Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. See facing page for further details.

Jeremy Hardy @ Glee Club Political comedian. See facing page for further details.

Live @ St David’s Hall 2005-2006 Orchestral Concert Series: Oslo Philharmonic Orchestra 7.30pm £29 / £10 Pick Of The Day Stewart Lee @ WMC The Jerry Springer - the Opera, and On The Hour (The Day Todayʼ’s predecessor) writer comes to Cardiff with his Edinburgh acclaimed show 90ʼ’s Comedian. Fans include Ricky Gervais and the NME. Theatre @ New Theatre The King and I. This new production will use as its inspiration Anna and the King of Siam, the original Margaret Landon novel on which this all-time classic musical is based. 7.30pm £8.50

Sunday20/11

Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case, the wrong ones.

MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

Pub Quiz @ Woodville Yet another Sunday night quiz to ponder over. 7pm.

Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1.

The Hop @ Buffalo Bar Cult 50s film, drive-in themes, weekly buffet, extra large milkshake cocktails. 8pm. £2/3.

Teen Spirit @ Barfly Warning: May contain teenagers. 7.30pm. £5.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach GRAB Promotions Presents Midasuno / Dopamine / The Blackout / S.K.W.A.D.Midasuno have been locked away recording their new album, the follow up to When Bulls Play God. So we should hear some new tracks from the Rocksound favourites. 7pm £5 Live @ St. David’s Hall The Everly Brothers. An exceptional concert with two of the most influential and best early rock'n'roll stars. An intimate acoustic first half will be followed by an electrifying second half. 7.30pm. £50.

The Fourth Chair @ The Social Improvised comedy entertainment.7.30pm. £FREE. Pick Of The Day Hip Hound Lounge @ CF10 Feat. Ummh plus vintage sounds from DJ Jazzmonk & friends. Heavy jazz-funk meets sprightly hip hop this week as the well respected Welsh rare groove/hip hop group Ummh perform at the Hip Hound Lounge. Be there to marvel at the accomplished fusion of jazz, funk and hip hop.

8pm. £3 (£2 Jazz Soc members).

Thursday17/11

Devious @ Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese.

Does exactly what it say on the tin, with drinks being cheaper than a bag of McCains. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night.

And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late.

8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Clubnight @ La Tropicana Hip Hop and R &B student night. 10pm.

Cookie Puss @ Buffalo Bar The real deal mix of non re-issue funk 45s, soul melodies, afro, freakbeat and a nice bit of jazz.

9pm. £2/3.

Loco @ La Tantra Stu Grady / DJ Fixed Rate / Dave Da Funk / Ross Powis / Nusense / DJ Fish / Jules /Midfield Max. Open until 4am.

Stonc Presents: Cofi Bach / Syn-D-Cut / DJ Llwybr Llaethog 9pm £5 / £4 Live @ Barfly The Ivories / Story One / The Threatmatics.

Story One are a rhythmic and heartfelt pop-rock with folk sensibilities and curious harmonies overlaid with quivering vocals. 7.30pm £5 Live @ Hard Rock Cafe Pure Silk 8:30pm £2 Pick Of The Day Live @ Blues Dragon Club Junior Hacksaw. Tight three-piece blues rock 'n' roll band, who's members individually have played with some of the biggest names in the business all over the world. A rockin' blues-wail soulful time is guaranteed! 8.45pm £3 / £2 Theatre @ Sherman ScriptSlam - Switchedon. Three samples of new writing from new writers. Audience vote for the one they want to see developed. £2

VENUES

Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com

IMG Sport

November 14 2005

Page 33

sport@gairrhydd.com

THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES

By Paul Hunt IMG Sport Reporter OPTOMETRY cruised to a comfortable 14-3 victory over German Society at Talybont on Wednesday afternoon.

The game started evenly and it was perhaps three minutes before either side were able to find the net. The shooting was poor from both teams early on, but Optometry scored first and never looked back.

The Optometry shooters were given more chances by the superior play of their Centre and wing-players.

The exasperation of the German players was clear as the score racked up against them. Every time German Society tried to get the ball for-

ward, there was an interception or a missed pass.

The Optometry team punished them, breaking quickly whenever they got the ball.

After racing to a 9-0 halftime lead, German Society were depressingly out of the game.

The second half started as the first finished. After Optometry replaced their commanding Centre, Geman Society took advantage and got back into the game a little.

They scored their first points midway through the second half and vastly improved to at least avoid a whitewash.

Credit should be given to both sides as the game was played in a relaxed and friendly atmosphere.

PLEASE NOTE: IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO OUR ATTENTION THAT IMG RUGBY HAS BEGUN. We are hoping to print league tables, fixtures and results next week when they become available.

PLEASE NOTE: LAST WEEK’S FOOTBALL WAS ONCE AGAIN POSTPONED DUE TO WATERLOGGED PITCHES Take note of the fixtures below.

Matches continue as normal this week and the postponed games will be played at the end of the first phase.

IMG Netball Results: Sat 5 Nov

Chem Soc 1 - 17 Cardiff B Engin Girls 3 - 18 D’mo Tigers Optometry V - V Law B German Soc 10 - 9 SAWSA

Wed 9 Nov Christ Union 8 - 5 Medics B Socsi A 31 - 6 Pharmacy B English Soc 4 - 17 Medics A Socsi B 1 - 12 S’fellows A German Soc 3 - 14 Optometry Cardiff B 12 - 4 Law B SAWSA 10 - 1 D’mo Tigers Chem Soc 15 - 5 Engin Girls

IMG Netball Fixtures: Sat 12 Nov

Economics v Pharmacy A S’fellows B v Law A Gym Gym v Cardiff A Carbs A v Carbs B

Wed 16 Nov German Soc v Engin Girls Chem Soc v Optometry Cardiff B v Dynamo Tigers SAWSA v Law B S’fellows B v Pharmacy A Gym Gym v Carbs B Carbs A v Cardiff A Economics v Law A

V stands for void. Both teams didn’t show up and get deducted 3 points as a result.

TEAMS OF THE WEEK FOOTBALL: Wigan for confounding the critics with yet another win.

NETBALL: Socsi A for scoring 31 points in one game. Although they lie in second, their goal difference is impressive.

IMG NETBALL TABLES ROUND 4 IMG Netball Pos

Group One P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Medics A

4

4

0

0

51

12

2 Socsi A

4

3

0

1

54

9

3 Stringfellows A

4

3

0

1

18

9

4 English Soc

4

3

0

1

10

9

5 Christian Union

4

1

1

2

-20

4

6 Medics B

4

1

0

3

-16

3

7 Pharmacy B

4

1

0

3

-51

3

8 Socsi B

4

0

1

3

-40

1

IMG Netball Pos

Group Two P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Cardiff B

4

4

0

0

56

12

2 Dynamo Tigers

4

2

0

2

11

6

3 Chem Soc

4

2

0

2

-6

6

4 SAWSA

4

2

0

2

-7

6

5 Law B^

4

2

0

2

20

3

6 German Society

4

1

0

3

-27

3

7 Optometry*^

4

2

0

2

12

0

8 Engin Girls

4

0

0

4

-59

0

IMG Football Fixtures: Automotive v Real Madras Psycho Ath. v Cardiff Uni Law A v Zoology AFC Euros v Japsoc Myg Myg v Gym Gym Dragons v Inter Me-Nan AFC Cathays v Real Havanna Economics v Chem Soc Architecture v Hurricanes Pharm AC v AFC Momed Dynamo Cen v Ab. Fantastic Plan’kos v FC Arse’Alona Law B v Dental Utd Carbs v Euros Lang JOMEC v Locomotive AFC History v English Soc

THE DEPRESSING PITCHURE

IMG Netball Pos

Group Three P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1 Carbs A

3

3

0

0

75

9

2 Cardiff A

3

3

0

0

69

9

3 Carbs B

3

2

0

1

2

6

4 Gym Gym

3

2

0

1

-37

6

5 Economics

3

1

0

2

-6

3

6 Pharmacy A

3

1

0

2

-39

3

7 Law A

3

0

0

3

-32

0

8 Stringfellows B

3

0

0

3

-32

0

* Deducted 3 points for not having an umpire who completed the Q award ^ Deducted 3 points for not turning up to a match

Photo: Luke Pavey

After another week of postponed matches, IMG Sport Editor Dave Menon gets stuck in and investigates the true state of the Pontcanna pitches

HAUNTCANNA: Where the hell is everybody?

That’s right folks, IMG football was postponed once again on a glorious Wednesday afternoon. After scratching my head for a couple of minutes in disbelief, I decided to get my kit on and investigate the scene.

In my playing (or watching next to the pitch) days last season, I cannot recall a round of matches being called off for two successive weeks.

I can fully understand why the matches were postponed the week before last, because there were several torrential downpours.

But I felt there was little reason why last week’s matches were ‘washed’ out. Although there was mud in the goalmouths and puddles scattered across the pitches, I didn’t think there were any major safety issues.

Rolling around in the mud and

destroying the washing machine is essentially what IMG football is all about. It’s primarily about having a good time and enjoying the beautiful game at grass roots level.

For those of you that don’t know, the Council decides whether the matches are called off or not, so whatever you do, don’t surround the AU off ice with banners and a series of f-words.

Unfortunately the department which oversees Pontcanna f ields was unavailable for comment when I tried to raise some questions.

Presumably the matches were postponed because the Council felt that another ninety minutes of action would have ruined the pitches for several weeks.

Oh well, nothing can be done now. We can only hope and pray that matches are given the green light this Wednesday.

Word on the street Ieuan Harris (Dragons)

“

The games should have been on, the pitches have been much worse

”

Jamie Fisher (Real Havanna)

“ “

If 3 or 4 pitches were waterlogged, I can undrestand why all games were called off

”

Jonathan Barnes (English Soc) The pitches look alright to me but some of the goalmouths are a bit cut up

Sport

Page 34

November 14 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

HEAD AND SHOULDERS ABOVE Cardiff Aberystwyth

70 55

Following three consecutive defeats this season, it was time for the men’s basketball team to assert themselves in the Division 1A Western Conference by beating Aberystwyth at home.

After doing the double over them last season, Cardiff were confident that this form could be repeated and relished the prospect of getting some points on the board to move off the foot of the table.

The first quarter saw Cardiff secure a six-point lead over their Welsh rivals although Cardiff’s defence was a bit sloppy at times, especially off the ball, and both teams notched up a hatful of fouls.

Cardiff’s advantage continued into the second period, although so did the fouls. At half time, a referee commented on this, stating that both teams were intent on playing each other out of the game, stagnating it rather than attempting to win.

Captain Dafydd Bowen was disappointed that Cardiff had not managed to stretch their lead to at least 20 points over such a poor side and expressed concern that they were lowering themselves to Aber’s level. He also pointed out that the refereeing was especially harsh, with a number of dubious fouls being given against both sides.

With the coach’s arrival during the penultimate quarter, Cardiff ’s game saw a slight improvement, and with five fouls to his name, Aberystwyth’s No. 8 was fouled out, preventing his

through to the final whistle.

Laurence Roleston produced an impressive performance, shooting 22 points, and was picked out for praise

by Bowen. The captain himself man-

This weekend saw the Cardiff Windsurfing Team host their home event, Reservoir Dogs: Doing It Doggy Style! Over 200 students from Uni’s far and wide descended on Cardiff for a weekend of nonstop sailing action.

As the brigade of mini buses headed for the valleys, the heavens above Myrthr opened, bringing both rain and hail, perfect conditions for windsurfing!

A speed-racing competition saw both the advanced and intermediate windsurfers race around a course at top speed, dropping their kit as they finished and scrambling up the muddy banks to be the first to touch the race official (Cardiff ’s unique method of race placement.).

SLAM DUNK: Impressive win further participation in this niggly encounter.

The final period saw Cardiff relax into their game a little more with the home team’s greater class eventually telling in the 70-55 scoreline.

However, the fouls continued right

aged to score a respectable 12 points.

The next game sees Cardiff at home again, taking on Bristol where the CUBS hope to build on this moraleboosting first win, and secure another victory to keep their place in the division safe.

Winning run ends

By Richard Jeffries Football Reporter Cardiff Men’s 1st IX Aberystwyth 1st IX

0 3

CARDIFF'S WINNING run came to an end at the hands of a determined Aberystwyth side. Cardiff may well feel that disorganised preparations were the underlying factor in what was largely a flat, lifeless performance, although the margin of defeat was thoroughly undeserved.

All was well in the Cardiff camp, but when Aberystwyth ran out wearing the same kit, and with no change strip at the venue, an emergency supply of Tesco Value white T-shirts were summoned for the team to play in.

Cardiff’s spirits were further dampened by the news that there was no referee allocated, luckily a replacement referee was found and the game eventually kicked off 45 minutes later than scheduled.

From the offset Cardiff had the better possession, but failed to create any clear cut chances. The combination of Lloyd Godwin and Alberto Gonzalez down the right created some good openings. As Cardiff ’s spell of pressure began to tell, a quick counter attack by Aberystwyth left them with 2 attackers bearing down on goal. Lloyd Godwin produced a great saving challenge, but the ball ran free to the second striker, who calmly slotted the ball

Cardiff hosts windsurfing day

By Andrea Bishop Windsurfing correspondent

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

By Amy Williams Basketball reporter

home.

This opened the game up as Cardiff searched for an equaliser while Aberystwyth grew in confidence.

Cardiff keeper Luca Morazoni pulled off a great reaction save after a cross was headed goal ward.

Shortly after, great work down the left hand side presented Gonzalez with a golden chance right in front of goal.

With the goal at his mercy he struck his shot against the keeper’s legs and the ball spun over the bar.

At half time captain Mark Lucas demanded more from his team, calling for improved concentration in all areas of the pitch.

Andy Wylde’s powerful header bounced down off the bar onto the line

and out.

With less than five minutes to go, Cardiff threw on powerful striker Kwame Asare in place of defender Lloyd Godwin as they sought to salvage a point. With players piling forward, Aber were always looking to break and kill off the game.

However it was an absolute fluke that put the result out of Cardiff s grasp, a hopeful punt from just inside the Cardiff half flew into the top corner via the outstretched hand of Cardiff keeper Morazoni. To compound their misery, with a minute left a mis-hit clearance from Luca Morazoni landed at the feet of Aber s substitute. He made no mistake in finishing sidefooted from 18 yards.

PHOTO: Dan Goddard

BAD DAY: All went wrong

The beginners racing brought much entertainment, and with it being the first time many had stepped foot on a board, it was a case of who could manage to pull the sail up, rather than who could actually manoeuvre around the course. The races were dominated

by Cardiff, with the intermediate race won by Chris Hart, and the beginners’

by James Dayton.

Saturday night’s party theme of ‘Pirates of the [insert your own word here]’ saw an interesting twist with the UWE boys contribution of ‘Pirates of the Red Sea’ and an evening of 50 person drinking games, naked antics and fireworks was enjoyed.

Sunday began with a slow start but the action began with the SWA/Boardwise freestyle comp in which some awesome manoeuvres from fully dressed pirates were on display.

Cardiff rugby lose tough encounter

By Jon Berridge Chief rugby correspondent

Oxford University Cardiff 1st XV

34 26

CARDIFF LOST a breath taking encounter against Oxford despite a hat-trick of tries from the inform full-back Matt Hopper. Oxford will be relieved with the final result after the Cardiff gave them a severe fright.

Arguably this was a match contested between the two strongest teams in the respective BUSA league. The signs however, looked ominous for Cardiff after they endured a torrid opening twenty minutes. The Oxford wings Ian McNeil and the dangerous Jonon Boto tore a nervous Cardiff defence apart. McNeil scored two of the first three tries. With the score 190 after a mere twenty-two minutes a huge defeat seemed to be beckoning for Cardiff.

Matters were worsened as two players had left the pitch after succumbing to injury: Flanker Tom Morrison and inspirational number eight Iain Dick.

Despite the mitigating circumstances, Cardiff hit back immediately with two tries in ten minutes.

Matt Hopper scored both following penetrating moves from the classy backs.

With fly-half Tom Eastham comfortably converting both kicks the score became 19-14. For fifteen minutes in the first half Cardiff completely dominated against a shell-shocked Oxford and a third try seemed a certainty. Crucially it was Oxford who

on the verge of half time scored the next try via a rolling maul. Oxford centre Hugh Jones missed the kick with the score at 24-14.

The loose forwards Tom Hocking and Emyr James had outstanding games, both tackled strongly and worked tirelessly. Hocking suffered a torn lip after being stamped upon in a ruck. The guilty Oxford player was sin-binned.

The home side began to regain their composure and stretched their lead with Jonon Boto scoring a deserved try after breaking through the Cardiff defence. On the hour mark Boto again made a dangerous break and passed to Hugh Jones who duly scored to make the score 34-14. Cardiff coach Martin Fowler was left frustrated as three of the tries had come from loose kicks which had encouraged the pacey Oxford back line, a point he had prewarned the team of in the team talk.

Cardiff reshuffled the back line with Tom Eastham moving to scrumhalf and Sam Burford to ten. The changes brought reward as Cardiff finished the match with some scintillating phases of play. Following a deliberate miss pass from Eastham, Matt Hopper crossed to complete a memorable hat-trick, Eastham then coolly slotted over the conversion.

Hopper has now scored an impressive five tries in the past three matches.

Following the restart Cardiff pressed forward again and another impressive move from the backs led to substitute Pete Salmon scoring in the corner. A missed conversion from Eastham brought the curtain down on an epic encounter of free flowing rugby.

Sport

November 14 2005

Page 35

sport@gairrhydd.com

MOORE OF THE SAME

By Gareth Owen Hockey Reporter UWE Men’s 1st XI Cardiff Men’s 1st XI

CARDIFF BEST IN GOAL-FEST

By Charlotte White Football Reporter Cardiff Ladies’ 2nd XI 6 Gloucester ladies’ 1st XI 5

1 4

AFTER A HEAVY 7-1 defeat away at Bournemouth last week, Cardiff 2nds showed renewed vitality and determination to come away with a victory from a hard fought game against Gloucestershire 1sts.

In a game frought with nerves and tension, there were many times when Cardiff ’s newfound confidence and self-belief was put to the test, none more so than when an early attempt on the home goal saw the ball strike the hand of hapless central defender Oci Stott.

The referee instantly produced a yellow card whilst the unfortunate Oci tried to impress upon the official the unintentional nature of her actions – a venture not aided by several rather unsporting calls for a more severe punishment from members of the Gloucestershire team.

Common sense prevailed and the match official settled for a yellow card and a penalty which was quickly dispatched by Gloucestershire for an early 1-0 lead.

Cardiff, to their credit, didn’t lose hope and once they settled down, the WINNERS: Can you pick the twins?

evened out, the 2-2 score line seemed like a fair reflection of the team’s efforts before half time. Unfortunately the Gloucestershire players seemed to have other ideas, and on the stroke of half time a long ball from their keeper set up a centre-forward for a simple goal which saw Cardiff trudge off the field a goal down after 45 minutes.

Needless to say there were some dejected looks on the faces of the Cardiff players but a few choice words of encouragement from coach Gavin Powell and Captain Laura Masling lifted spirits and saw a renewed strengthening of resolve to fight back and win the game.

T h i s i m p r ove d attitude w a s

reflected with a second half that saw a committed Cardiff team produce the best football of the game. Several attacks by Alice Leonard saw the Gloucestershire keeper forced into a number of saves until finally her persistence was rewarded, a goal-mouth scramble resulting in the midfielder hitting the back of the net for her second of the game.

Then in the 60th minute Cardiff took a deserved lead when striker Sarah Jaques’ cleverly disguised cross miraculously curved into the net leaving the Gloucestershire’s keeper standing.

Gloucestershire did manage to grab a goal back 10 minutes later but Cardiff continued to work hard and held firm with Laura Masling and Oci Stott working solidly in defence.

Woman-of-the-match Sarah Jaques had a superb second half notching up two excellent goals and setting up co-striker Charlotte White to put away Cardiff’s sixth.

The frustrated Gloucestershire players poured forward in the last 5 minutes of the game in a lastditch effort to make up the two goal deficit.

However, Cardiff held firm and despite a late consolation goal by the Gloucester team, took a well deserved victory.

Cardiff seconds Ladies’ hockey: go down the Bath The AU’s form side

By George Pawley Sport Reporter Cardiff Hockey Men’s 2nd XI 4 Bath Hockey Men’s 3rd XI 1

CARDIFF MEN’S second XI moved into second spot in the BUSA Western Conference 2B, with a confident 4 – 1 home victory over Bath third XI. Under a floodlit Talybont pitch, the early play continually broke down as both teams scrapped for a quick goal, and it was the home side who registered on the score sheet first. A clever two-touch interchange between captain Jim Denning and forward Gavin Volder breached the Bath defence, with Volder providing the deadly finish after 4 minutes.

The scores were levelled on ten minutes following a Bath short-corner.

However, another cutting move from inside the Cardiff half allowed Ryan Brignall to put his side back on top, and just five minutes later Cardiff were two goals up.

A short-corner was knocked to Denning, whose powerful shot may have taken a deflection on its way past the diving Bath ‘keeper, put Cardiff 3 – 1 in the lead at the interval.

The tough midfield battle began again in earnest after the changing of ends, as Bath doggedly tried to reestablish themselves in the match, despite the biting wind that had set in.

Bath’s attacking style allowed Cardiff to play on the break, and they could have put the game beyond Bath’s reach, as a short-corner won by Kieran Zeale was nearly bundled home. However, a dubious intervention by the umpire stopped the passage of play.

Bath should have pulled a goal back as they continued to press, but the Cardiff defence was too strong.

Each of 3 successive short-corners was fearlessly competed, with midfielder Mark Hobbes in particular taking a nasty blow after rushing out from his goal. Cardiff finally put the game to bed with 5 minutes left on the clock. A brilliant second from Brignall made the final score 4 – 1.

Skipper Denning was clearly pleased with the result. “It was a good, strong team performance, and more results like this will put us in contention to win this BUSA league.”

Elsewhere, Cardiff thirds were battered 5-1 by Glamorgan’s firsts while the fourth team stuffed UWE 3rd XI 91, with Antony Merritt scoring a hattrick.

By Ed Jones Sports Editor Cardiff 1st XI 5 Gloucestershire 1st XI 1 CARDIFF LADIES’ Hockey first team comtinued their terrific run hammering Gloucestershire firsts 5-1.

The rampant home side were superior in all departments and left themselves well-placed to chal-

lenge Bristol at the top of the BUSA table. A series of individual skills and dynamic attacking moves left the Gloucester defence in disarray.

Amelia Williams grabbed a brace while Becki Wheeler, Claire Davies and Sophie Blair also found the net. The result follows last week’s seven-nil demolition of Exeter seconds and means that Cardiff have now scored 17 goals in three home games.

Photo: James Perou

THE CARDIFF HOCKEY Men’s first team came from behind to beat UWE with an excellent allround performance. It was UWE who started the brighter, buoyed by the home crowd, snatching an early goal.

Cardiff skipper Duncan Courtney was quick to rally his troops. Cardiff fought their way back into the match with chances falling to strikers Nick Gough and Paul Hayes and it was only a bad umpiring decision that prevented the away side from equalising. The umpire blew for a foul just before Gough’s shot hit the backboard.

The confidence of the side rose with the number of chances that were made and Cardiff were to enter the break aggrieved at still being a goal down. However, it was only thanks to a triple save from Ferguson at the end of the first half that the difference was only a solitary goal.

Cardiff knew if they continued to play with the verve and spirit that they had shown in the first half that goals would come, but the deadlock remained unbroken for another ten minutes.

Eventually Hayes proved that being in the right place at the right time is a vital asset in a forward as he capped a great team move, shooting into an empty goal from Martyn Freshman’s pass.

The momentum of the game was definitely with the visitors now as they pressed on to take the lead for the first time. Dave Hanna, fresh from his transfer from the Medics’ club, was commanding at the back, his partnership with Tony Gough allowing full backs Tom Moore and Gareth Owen to push on and supplement the attack. It was Moore who scored yet again from a shortcorner, deflecting home Courtney’s pass.

Chris Rhodes was instrumental in everything that was good about Cardiff’s attacking play, his stickwork exceptional and pivotal in winning another short-corner which Courtney himself put home after exchanging passes with Freshman.

Freshman then scored his fourth goal in as many games after good inter-play by both forwards. The skilful midfielder cheekily walked the ball over the goal line having already turned a defender and rounded the ‘keeper.

Courtney was noticeably relieved after the match having got the three points and was keen to point out his side’s return to form: “Despite going a goal down, we kept playing our style of hockey and there were times today when we played to the standard that could win us this league”.

Cardiff travel to Southampton along wth the Men’s fourths and Ladies’ firsts.

newly formed team began to deliver on some of their early promise. After some solid build-up play Muni Rashid’s quick pass saw Caz Killaheene equalise with a splendid volley from just outside the penalty box. The scores weren’t level for long however, as a defensive error allowed Gloucestershire to grab a lucky goal to make it 2-1.

Nevertheless, Cardiff continued to press forward and in the 35th minute Alice Leonard burst through from centre midfield, before twisting away from two defenders and striking the ball low and hard into the bottom corner. With the scores

HOCKEY GIRLS: Far too easy

Spor t gair rhydd

CARDIFF 65 BATH 45

By Amy Williams Sport Reporter

Page 34

PLUS: Hockey, footall, rugby, basketball and windsurfing Page 34-5

Ladies’ basketball pick up good win against Somerset rivals

PHOTO: James Perou

CARDIFF’S FREE-SCORING ladies’ basketball team eventually overcame a slow start to brush aside Exeter. The game provided an ideal opportunity for Cardiff ladies to get their form back on track after last week’s defeat at Bath. Their opponents are possibly the weakest team in the Division 1A Western Conference.

However, the girls got off to a poor start, struggling against Exeter’s outside shooter, who proved to be troublesome throughout the game. After the first quarter, the home team were eight points down, largely due to a breakdown in communication on the offence.

The tempo picked up in the second period, the game was brought back to within one point although Exeter’s point guard was still causing problems for the Cardiff defence.

At this stage Penny Holman demonstrated some great shooting to keep Cardiff in the game.

After some positive advice from the coach at the interval, the girls took the lead in a strong third period, using superior height advantage to good effect by dominating the rebounds. Woman of the match Ellie Price was superb on the offence, seizing every chance available to rack up an impressive points tally.

The final period saw Cardiff pull away, where Emma Gough took over the game, both on the offence and defence, scoring freely and shutting down Exeter’s best player. Captain Charlene Hellsten was fouled out late in the game, but was a commanding presence as always from the bench.

Coach Tom Stenner-Evans, speaking after the game, said that the girls had produced a solid team performance with the points shared amongst the players.

Elsewhere, Jenna Roe was praised for her mistake-free performance on the D, which helped frustrate Exeter’s offence.

The home side also did well to keep their cool when some theatrical falls from the Devon girls provoked outrage out on court. Cardiff rose above these underhand tactics however, maintaining a good defensive game, and their quality shone through in the latter stages.

Nevertheless, the team cannot rest on their laurels, as next week they face a tough test at home against unbeaten Bristol, where they will need to produce quality displays throughout to see off the promotion favourites.

RUGBY: 1st XV suffer defeat in Oxford

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Tuesday

November 14 - 20 2005

Page 23

television@gairrhydd.com

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 21.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 22.00 EastEnders soon influence the second major wave of emo.Early Emo's Influence: In California, particularly in the Bay Area, bands like Jawbreaker and Samiam began to mix the DC influence with pop punk to come up with their own take on the classic DC emo-core sound. On Jawbreaker's album Bivouac, singer Blake Schwarzenbach evolved from the traditional hardcore vocal sound into a more melodic crooning, which displayed a more emotional feeling of loss than the desperation and frantic 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Swiss Toni 24.30 The Mighty Boosh 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 The Brothel 02.25 The Brothel 02.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days

19.00 Coast 20.00 The World 20.30 Dinner with Portillo 21.00 G8: Can you Hear Us? 22.00 Film: "Looking for Richard" 23.50 Illuminations: Treasures of the Middle Ages 24.20 Michelangelo's Drawings: Closer to the Master 24.50 Can Dogs Smell Cancer? nature of MacKaye's voice.

Other bands soon reflected the same sense of rough melody, including Still Life and New Jersey's Garden Variety. The style continued to evolve into the 2000s through bands like Avail and Hot Water Music..Also in the early 90s, bands like Lifetime reacted in their own way to the demise of youth crew styled straight-edge hardcore and desired to seek out a new direction. While their music was often classified as emo, it was also considered to be melodic hardcore. In response to the more metal direction their hardcore peers were taking, Lifetime decided to slow down and soften their music,01.50 G8: Can you Hear Us? 02.50 Dinner with Portillo 03.20 Illuminations: Treasures of the Middle Ages

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline USA Rules Are Rules 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline USA Rules Are Rules 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Power Mad Dick 7:30 Spin City Balloons over Broadway 8:00 New Homes from Hell adding more personal lyrics. The band later added a blend of speed, aggression, and melody that defined their sound. Lifetime's sound, lyrics, and style were a virtual blueprint for later bands, including Saves The Day and The Movielife...All of which takes us up to 1994. We don’t get to Funeral For A Friend for ages fuckwits, deal with it. 9:00 FILM: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure10:45 The Frank Skinner Show 11:45 3rd Rock from the Sun Power Mad Dick 0:15 Spin City Balloons over Broadway 0:45 The Ricki Lake Show 1:30 Teleshopping

Fatal Love five 3.30pm

6:00 Cubeez: Storytime 6:10 The Hoobs: Fly Away 6:35 The Hoobs: Gloves 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends: The One With The Tiny T-Shirt 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Nina Sees Red 8:25 Will & Grace: Flip-Flop 8:50 Frasier: Love Bites Dog 9:20 Water Stories 9:30 The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55 The Cutting Club 10:45 Don't Make Me Angry: Cherelle Cpbell 11:10 The Unteachables 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 In Your Face: Royal And Other Portraits By Sergei Pavlenko 1:20 3 Minute Wonder: Self Portraits: Matthew Collings1:25 Kim 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Pure Passion: I Love What I Do 8:00 Property Ladder 9:00 Make Me A Million 10:00 The Ghost Squad 11:05 Is This The Real Life?: The Queen Story 12:10 Wacko About Jacko 1:10 Dubplate Dra 1:25 I'm Spazticus 1:55 The Iron Ladies Premiere 3:40 Cinema Extreme: Love Me Or Leave Me Alone 3:50 Ideasfactory: Candy Many of these bands were involved with the ABC No Rio club scene in New York, itself a response to the violence and stagnation in the scene and with the bands that played at CBGBs, the only other small venue for hardcore in New York at the time.4:00 Health & Social Care: Making Changes 4:25 Real Science: Pushing The Limits 4:50 Looking After The Penneys: Never, Never ... 5:15 Science In Focus Special: Chris Wise Mind Over Matter 5:35 Extra 3: En Espanol - Tiempo De Vacaciones 6:00 Close

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... The Rock 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Guess The Year 1:00 Hijacked By... Will Young 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Devoted 3:00 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With Rachel's Dres 5:30 Friends: The One With The Soap Opera Party 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Devoted 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With Rachel's Dres 8:30 Friends: The One With The Soap Opera Party 9:00 Without A Trace: Manhunt 10:00 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 10:30 Rock School 11:00 The Ghost Squad: Hardcore 12:05 8 Out Of 10 Cats 12:35 Without A Trace: Manhunt 1:30 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 2:00 Rock School 2:30 8 Out Of 10 Cats 2:55 No Angels 3:55 My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss4:35 Switched 5:00 Fool Around...

With Dan Corsi Yeah, but seriously, who?

06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath 07.10 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.20 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.40 Hi-5 09.15 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: "The Long Island Incident" 15.30 Film: "Fatal Love" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Brian Sewell's Grand Tour 20.00 Franklin's Lost Expedition: Revealed 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI: Miami 23.00 Law and Order Much of this wave of emo, particularly the San Diego scene, began to shift towards a more chaotic and aggressive form of emo, nicknamed "screamo". By and large, the more hardcore style of emo began to fade as many of the early era groups disbanded.

Even still, a handful of modern bands continue to reflect emo's hardcore origins, including Circle Takes the Square, Hot Cross, City of Caterpillar, Funeral Diner, and A Day in Black and White.

Back in DC, following the disbanding of both Rites of Spring and Embrace, MacKaye and Picciotto decided to join forces in a new band, called Fugazi.

While Fugazi itself was not categorized as emo, the music it created would23.55 Fifth Gear 24.55 The Dead Zone 01.35 NBA Basketball 04.30 US Major League Soccer Cup Final

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6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Crash Course 3:30 Pocoyo Drummer Boy 3:35 SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50 MOM's Name That Tone 4:00 Jungle Run 4:30 My Parents are Aliens5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Your Century Monmouth 8:00 My Child Can't Stop Eating: Real Families 9:00 Walk Away and I Stumble 10:30 ITV News DC emocore sound began to influence other bands such as Moss Icon, Nation of Ulysses, Dag Nasty, Shudder To Think, Fire Party, Marginal Man, and Grey Matter, many of which were released on MacKaye's Dischord Records.

The original wave of DC emocore finally ended in late 1994 with the collapse of Hoover. As the DC scene expanded, other scenes began to develop with a similar sound. In San Diego in the early 1990s, Gravity Records released a number of records in the hardcore emo style. Bands of the period included Heroin, Indian Summer, Angel Hair, Antioch Arrow, Universal Order of Armageddon, Swing Kids, and Mohinder. At the same time, in the New York/New Jersey era, bands such as Native Nod, Merel, 1.6 Band, Rye Coalition and Rorschach were feeling the same impulse.11:00 The Secret Life of Princess Margaret 0:00 FILM: White Squall 2:10 FILM: Killers in the House 3:40 Mixmasters 4:05 Nightscreen

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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Really Wild Show 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Something Special 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 The House Detectives 10:30 See You, See Me 10:50 Primary Geography 11:10 Meet the Ancestors 12:00 The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Pod's Mission 1:15 Pod's Mission 1:35 FILM: Caught 3:00 Castle in the Country 3:30 Thoroughly Modern Matron 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Top Gear 8:00 Dragon's Den 9:00 Making Slough Happy 10:00 Supernova 10:30 Newsnight They took their music in a more personal direction with a far greater sense of experimentation, bringing forth MacKaye's Embrace and Picciotto's Rites of Spring.

The style of music developed by Embrace and Rites of Spring soon became a sound, later referred to as "emo-core".

(Hüsker Dü's 1984 album Zen Arcade is often cited as a major influence for the new sound.) As a result of the renewed spirit of experimentation and musical innovation that developed the new scene, the summer of 1985 soon came to be known in the scene as "Revolution Summer".

Within a short time, the 11:20 African School 11:50 African School 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision: Science 1

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Uncharted Territory 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Foreign Exchange 11:45 Bargain Hunt 12:30pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Max receives a surprise present on his birthday. Izzy and Paul put the shady past behind them.

Joe and Lyn finally get their acts together. And Boyd returns home from study camp. 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Mona the Vampire 4:15 Tracy Beaker Parties with Pudsey 4:30 Patrick's Planet 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 The Great Big Bid 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City 9:00 The Last Tommy 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 ONE Life 11:15 Medium Over the next few weeks i intend to bring to you the history of ‘emo’, so you can look at what’s on TV and be educated simultaneously.

I AM A LIGHT!! go: The First Wave (1985–1994) In 1985 in Washington, D.C., Ian MacKaye and Guy Picciotto, veterans of the DC hardcore music scene, decided to shift away from what they saw as the constraints of the basic style of hardcore and the escalating violence within the scene. 11:55 FILM: Phantasm II 1:30am: Sign Zone: See Hear 2:15 Sign Zone 2:45 Sign Zone: How to Rescue a House 3:15 Sign Zone: Natural World 4:05 Joins BBC News 24

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Can Dogs Smell Cancer?

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06:10 The Hoobs: Fly Away 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends: The One With The Tiny T-Shirt 08:00just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace 08:50 frasier: Adventures Of Bad Boy And Dirty Girl 09:20 waterstories 09:30the Deadly Knowledge Show 09:55 the Cutting Club 10:45don't Make Me Angry 11:10the Market 11:35campyfan 12:00news At Noon 12:30planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Peppa Pinc 12:55 Syniad Miss Fach Ardderchog 13:00 Triongl 13:15 Supporting Acts 13:20 tales From The Grave: Mystery Of The Barber Surgeon 13:55 the View From River Cottage 14:25 deal Or No Deal 15:15 countdown 16:00planed Plant 16:00 O Na! Y Morgans 16:25top Yr Ysgol 16:50 Ffeil 17:00richard & Judy 18:00the Simpsons: A Tale Of Two Springfields 18:30 darn O Dir 19:00wedi 7 19:30 newyddion 20:00pobol Y Cwm 20:25y Byd Ar Bedwar 21:00ar Y Lein 21:30ar Doriad Gwawr 22:30 emyn Roc A Rôl 23:15 grand Designs 00:15 The Spy Who Conned Me.

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