gair rhydd - Issue 802

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GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

James Woodroof meets snooker stars Steve Davis and Shaun Murphy Interview in Sport Page 37

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ISSUE 802 December 5 2005

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972

We cheat our way out of filling pages of the last issue before Christmas with the Quench Review of the Year 2005 wahey!

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FACING THE FUTURE WHEN EIGHT BECOME SIX: THE FUTURE OF SABBS AT CARDIFF

By Dan Ridler News Editor THE ANNOUNCEMENT that Cardiff University is to abandon the college system could potentially have long reaching implications on the future of the sabbatical team.

David Grant, Cardiff’s ViceChancellor, confirmed that the college system would be abandoned from next year at the university Senate last Wednesday.

He also detailed his plans to create five Pro Vice-Chancellor positions and to appoint a new Deputy Vice-Chancellor.

These details come following the announcement of the current Deputy Vice-Chancellor’s retirement.

Cardiff University Students’ Union President Pete Goodman said: “I would welcome any proactive moves towards a truly merged university.”

The revelation, however, holds far-reaching implications for the

future of the sabbatical team, with two positions to be cut following the merger.

College President of Humanities and Science and the College President of Medicine, Biology, Life and Health Sciences will become redundant positions next year as the colleges they serve cease to exist.

In light of this, the sabbatical team have submitted a new, forward thinking, plan for the future of sabb. positions at the union.

The document, which is currently

only at the stages of a preliminary suggestion, include plans to create a Vice President’s position in place of Union Secretary and a Societies and Cultural Officer and Education and Welfare Officer in place of the current College Presidents’ positions along with abandoning the Campaigns and PR Officer’s role.

This plan is expected to increase transparency within the team, with each officer overseeing a welldefined area of union activity.

The proposals are currently

being discussed and amended by the student council and the sabbatical team, but are expected to be applied to the next batch of elections in March.

“The positions have been up for discussion for a long time now,” said Union Secretary James Twigger, “but this move by the university has forced us to make changes now. This is a great opportunity to streamline the sabbatical team and increase transparency and value to the students of Cardiff.”

News

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December 5 2005

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At

V ice squad a glance

By John Tuscany Reporter

December 5 2005 News Editorial & Opinion Letters Geordie Features Health Taf Od Science/Environment Grab!

Politics Media Dear Amber Jobs & Money Television Five Min Fun Scopes Jobs & Money Listings Sport

1 8 10 11 12 13 15 17 19 20 21 22 21 23 31 32 33 34 36

EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Por teous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan ‘The Ridler’ Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN Colm Loughlin SCOPES Christina Lane HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson SUB-EDITORS Chris White, Cat Gee and Holly Marshall PROOF READERS Fatima Bibi-Mannam, Anna Chappel, Andrew Mickel, Gemma White, Charlotte White, Jess Anderson, Jordan Sellig

CONTRIBUTORS

Richard Clarke, John Tuscany, Katie Kennedy, Ross Whittam, Lindle Markwell, Helen Thompson, Caleb Woodbridge, Emily Woodrow, Huw Thomas, Aline Ungewiss, Salli Evans, Piers Horner, Ed Vanstone, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Bec Storey, Kathryn Harries, Paul Hunt, Nadia Bonjour, Andrew Rennison, Lucie Apampa, Claire King, Josie Bunting, Daniel Cripwell, John Crawford, James Woodroof, Steve Myerscough, George Pawley, Craig Nunes, Jon Berridge, Dan Goddard, Sarah Day

A UNIVERSITY link-building trip to China, led by Vice-Chancellor David Grant, has been deemed a 'great success'.

The University team met groups of former Cardiff students in Hong Kong, Shanghai and Beijing to discuss their time studying in the city.

Cardiff has been providing Chinese authorities with information on how to reform their higher education system, including training vice-chancellors.

The furthered relations of the trip will mean more student and staff exchange opportunities and joint research projects.

CARDIFF TRIP: Beijing Normal University

Welsh economy booms

By Richard Clarke Reporter THE WELSH economy is set to grow at a rate not seen for over a decade.

The boom is expected to reach new levels by March 2006 making Wales one of the better performing parts of the UK. The news comes in the wake of large-scale job losses in the manufacturing industry and a nationwide downturn in consumer spending.

A robust labour market and an annual reduction in interest rates are the reasons for the recovery, said the Bank of Scotland's Welsh Leading Indicator report.

The recent job losses that have plagued so many Welsh manu-

street spending and spiralling petrol prices may dampen the boom.

David Rosser of the Confederation of British Industry in Wales said: “[The report is] encouraging but businesses are still acting cautiously…they are unsure as to whether consumers will spend over Christmas.”

By Katie Kennedychard Clarke Reporter DISTURBING FARM practices that cause animal suffering are being permitted by some supermarkets, a charity has claimed.

Retailers are allowing intensively-reared chickens to be packed together and some supermarkets are selling pig meat from animals that are cruelly reared abroad - in ways that are illegal in the UK. The charity Compassion in World Farming Trust also found that most turkeys and ducks sold in supermarkets are intensively reared.

Although some retailers were making good progress in animal welfare, the survey revealed that some alarming farming practices that sanction animal suffering.

Traffic banned to reduce violence in city centre

By Caroline Farwellhard Clark News Editor ALL TRAFFIC will be banned from one of Cardiff’s busiest streets to reduce violence and improve safety.

St Mary Street will be closed to vehicles on Friday and Saturday nights, with the exception of taxis and buses.

According to police, street violence and disorder has been almost wiped out in the lower half of St Mary Street since it closed off traffic two years ago.

Any parked cars will be towed away and fixed penalty notices of £30 and £60 will be put on cars without relevant permits.

Depending on the scheme’s success over the festive period, it could become a permanent feature. o

LOCAL FOCUS

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union

A soapbox for the views of Cardiff residents How long have you been serving breakfasts to the students of Cardiff?

For six years now in various locations, but for the last five months we’ve been here in CF10.

Name: Vicki Marks (Right) & Elaine Nash (Left) Location: CF10 Title: Owner & Head Chef PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH

facturing firms have aided the growth.

Brian Morgan of the Cardiff Business School said: “It is unfortunate for those people who have lost their jobs but the uncompetitive parts of manufacturing have been weeded out.

“The manufacturing sector in Wales has positioned itself to take advantage of the growth in world trade.”

But a cocktail of reduced high

Leading supermarkets condone animal cruelty

What do you think of the students that you serve on a daily basis?

Friendly, approachable and most of all, up for a laugh.

What is your most poular menu item in CF10?

Without a doubt it is our All Day Breakfast, there can’t be many students who haven’t tried one!

What do you think it is about CF10 that appeals to students?

A friendly atmosphere as well as friendly staff, but above all, it’s probably something to do with there being All Day Breakfasts on offer here!

ALL DA DAY: Goal

December 5 2005

News

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UNION

Gap relief

DONATES

TEAMWORK: Students unite to raise cash

By John Tuscany Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Students’ Union has been raising money for Children in Need.

Altogether the Union raised a total of £1932.06 by holding raffles, dressing up and selling cakes.

Xpress radio raised more than £500 by holding a night of entertainment in Solus, which included a performance from the Funky Arse Disco Dancing Society.

Jen Long, Xpress Station Manager, said: “We’ve all done really well. I’d like to say a huge thank you to everyone who got involved.”

Staff from the Union bars wore their pyjamas all day and managed to raise over £500.

By Will Dean Deputy Editor THE CARDIFF brothel that recently made headline news for employing a Lithuanian sex-slave decided to change its name last week.

The ‘massage-parlour’ formerly known as Abygales was the subject of a BBC investigation and provided the launch-pad for a campaign to curb the trafficking of humans from Eastern Europe.

After two men involved with Abygales and two other local brothels were found guilty of people trafficking a fortnight ago, it seems management at the parlour have decided a rebrand is in order.

This isn’t the first time the brothel has seen fit to change its name. It was known as A Touch Of Class until it was again drawn into the limelight by the death of Phil Williams – an ex-AM who died of a heart attack during a visit to the parlour.

No-one from Abygales was available to comment on the name change.

By Ross Whittam Reporter YOUNG PEOPLE who do voluntary work in their gap year could have their tuition fees paid for under plans to broaden prospects for students from all backgrounds.

Chancellor Gordon Brown will outline plans next month to encourage up to a million students to volunteer during their gap year.

The government is planning to contribute three million pounds, matched by six major business donors. The Treasury hopes to attract another seven million pounds for the next phase.

A Treasury source said: “This is about young people who might not otherwise have come to this kind of activity, which is where the incentives come in.”

Benefits of the scheme will include an allowance for volunteers living away from home and contributions to the cost of university.

The scheme will try to instil the idea that volunteering can be for life, with regular community work.

Although three million young Britons currently do voluntary work, Brown hopes to encourage half of young people into it.

Cardiff Mathematics student, Thomas Dolling, who took a gap year said: “I think this is a superb initiative, hopefully many more students will be able to benefit from a gap year in the way that I did.”

The programme is part of the government’s ‘respect’ agenda, which gives teenagers something constructive to do in their free time instead of engage in anti-social behaviour.

News

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Scream if you wanna face fines

By Adam Millward Reporter AFTER 17 YEARS of controversy, the Scream House - one of Cardiff's most notorious landmarks - has finally been silenced.

The owner, reclusive Irishman Gerald Tobin, has used the front of his home as the main weapon in his long feud with Cardiff Council over a housing grant dispute.

Since 1988, Mr Tobin has smothered his terraced house in Clare Street, Riverside, with boards airing his 'unfavourable' views of

the authorities. The most wellrecognised of these boards explaining the house's nickname is a rustic version of Edvard Münch's painting, The Scream.

The conflict led Mr Tobin to a rooftop hunger strike in 1994, but after a drawn-out legal battle it was only in July of this year that workmen were permitted to take down the placards.

Earlier this month the courts also ordered any

boards remaining inside to be removed or Mr Tobin would face eviction.

Neighbourhood residents are very pleased to see the fall of the local 'House of Horror'.

Andrew Jones said: “We've had to live with this eyesore for years it's been a total blight on the area. I just hope all this is now finally over.”

Angela Ellis is similarly delighted, admitting: “That house used to give me the creeps.”

Mr Tobin was not available for comment, but currently appears to be complying with the Council.

Cardiff University announces new scholarship scheme CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has announced a major new scholarship scheme, with awards for students worth more than £450,000.

The scholarships will be awarded to the top UK or European Union students in each of several subject areas and will be judged on the basis of academic performance at the point of entry to the University.

Pro Vice-Chancellor for Learning and Teaching, Professor Nigel Palastanga, said: “Cardiff is already one of the most successful and popular universities in the UK. “The scholarship scheme will help to ensure that we continue to recruit the very best students.”

CARDIFF: Keeping standards high

School of Medicine respond to survey criticism THE SCHOOL of Medicine at Cardiff University has responded to the results of the recent National Student Survey (NSS).

The school said that it was ‘naturally disappointed’ with the results that found Cardiff’s medical students to be the least satisfied with their degrees compared to students from all other UK universities.

Professor David Wynford-Thomas,

MEDICS: Unimpressed

the Dean of the School of Medicine, said: “We take these findings very seriously and it is clear from the survey that, while we have strengths in many areas, there are also some very significant weaknesses.”

In the survey, students claimed that courses within the school were disoganised and complained that assessment marks were frequently delayed.

The apparent problems are thought to be due to increasing student numbers which put pressure on lecturers and resources.

Since the publication of the results in September, the school has set up a working group to investigate the issues and to recommend appropriate action.

Professor Wynford-Thomas added: “Students coming to study medicine at Cardiff can be assured that they are joining a university which places high quality medical education at the very top of its agenda.”

2005 graduates may retire at 74 Despite pension proposals, rising life-expectancy may mean today’s students have to work well into old age

By Will Dean Reporter LAST WEEK’S proposals by Lord Turner to raise the age of retirement to as high as 69 could have dire consequences for students already saddled with huge debts.

For those just about to enter fulltime employment this could mean not being able to retire until the age of 74.

Despite Turner’s plans, which include making the basic pension universal, the launch of anti-age discrimination laws and the launch of a new nationally-run pension fund, it’s feared today’s graduates will have to start saving extra-early to retire on a decent pension.

For the graduates of 2005, some with debts approaching in excess of £15,000, this will mean saving more at an early age and working for longer.

Turner’s measures have been announced on the back of mounting fears that Britain’s top-heavy population will cause the pensions scheme to melt down.

By 2050, when most current students will be aged over 74, the ratio of working people to pensioners, currently at 2.7:1, is expected to fall dramatically to 1.1:1. This means that half of the UK population will be of retirement age.

This startling figure, which takes into account Britain’s average life expectancy rising at the current rate of one year for every five years,

means it is unlikely that today’s students will even be able to retire at 69.

With such huge university debts to pay off, plus the large cost of living for graduates, it’s unlikely that many students will have much spare cash to invest any income into a pension fund.

Michael Pomery, president of the Institute of Actuaries, a body of mathematicians who advise the government on pension funds, has warned that Turner’s proposals ‘do not go far enough’.

He said: “If longevity [of life expectance] continues to improve as it has done, the state pension age would have to go up by nine years to 74 if the real costs and benefits of the pension are to be kept constant.”

worries NOW: No money

THEN: No mon ey

News

December 5 2005

Page 5

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

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24 hour party people?

Fears over extended opening hours appear unfounded as UK sees no rise in drinking levels

Girl power

By Helen Thompson Reporter THE NEW Welsh Woman of the Year has pledged to ensure that disabled people in Wales enjoy the same access to higher education as able-bodied students.

Karen Robson was awarded the title by the Western Mail on November 25 for her work in equal opportunities at University of Wales Institute, Cardiff (UWIC).

She intends to use the award to generate greater awareness of disability through the media.

Since she joined UWIC as a Welfare Officer eight years ago she has overseen the creation of a support infrastructure for disabled students.

This included the creation of Disability Advisers, and has helped the number of disabled students at the University to rise from 50 in 1997 to 1,000 in 2005.

By Lindle Markwell Reporter THE WEEKEND the licensing laws came into force went better than expected for many police forces around the UK. Despite anxieties of a rise in binge drinking, it has been reported that there were less people out last weekend than usual.

In fact in almost all regions the number of alcohol-related crimes either stayed the same or went down.

The new licensing laws, which came into force on Thursday 24 November, have given pubs, clubs and supermarkets in England and Wales the opportunity to serve alcohol around the clock.

The 24-hour licences have attracted a lot of criticism from those who worry that the new laws could trigger widespread disorder, but such fears appeared to be unfounded after last weekend passed relatively quietly.

Due to concerns that round-the-

clock drinking could put a lot of pressure on police and hospitals throughout Britain, many forces had stepped up their patrols over the weekend in an attempt to prepare for the worst.

Heddlu Gwent police force went so far as to deploy extra staff and install CCTV cameras to help deal with the possible onslaught of drunken partygoers.

However the rise in the number of drinkers never came.

Some have also been quick to identify the recent drop in temperature and time of year as a cause for the unexpected calm.

A spokesman for Kent Police said: “Nobody wants to fight in cold puddles and people tend to behave themselves when it is icy.”

Swansea Police believe that the full impact of these new laws will not become visible until Christmas and New Year time.

Liberal Democrat AM Jenny Randerson said: “I never expected there to be a cataclysm within three days of the new laws coming in.”

Meanwhile, culture secretary Tessa Jowell maintains that the new legislation will give police ‘the powers that they need to tackle the problem we have as a country of alcohol-related crime and violence’.

Roughly 40 per cent of premises in England and Wales have now extended their opening hours by an hour or two, and just over 1,000 premises now have the license to serve alcohol 24 hours a day.

In an effort to curb the possibility of an increase in binge drinking, Heddlu Gwent have circulated a number of posters and beer mats to licensed premises in the South Wales area in order to remind members of the public not to drink to excess and warn them of the possibility of being fined.

According to the government the new Licensing Act should, amongst other things, give responsible adults greater choice, cut down on the selling of alcohol to under-18s, and end the disorder caused by fixed closing times.

Ramadan damage Ms Robson said: “One in five of the Welsh population have some sort of disability, making special needs an area that universities should focus on.”

Now occupying the role of Disability Services Manager, Robson’s internal staff guidance policies are regarded as the best in UK higher education.

Robson is also chairman of the National Bureau for Students with Disabilities, which advises disabled people on accessing postsecondary education.

She says that her job is “about removing barriers, and barriers aren’t always tangible things like ramps and steps. They can be very indirect things.”

She dedicated the award to her team at UWIC, which she says has “created one of the best environments on offer to disabled students.”

By Caleb Woodbridge Reporter PLAID CYMRU has attacked Labour for throwing a Ramadan celebration for Muslims four weeks late.

The second annual Eid party, organised by the Welsh Labour Party, was attended by Rhodri Morgan and Peter Hain.

But Plaid Cymru attacked the Eid party as a ‘cynical and insensitive’ attempt to attract Muslim voters because it took place four weeks after the Eid ul-Fitr celebration which marks the end of Ramadan.

Plaid Cymru councillor, Mohammed Sarul Islam, claimed that the Muslim community are ‘furious’, but Labour insist that the date was set by the Muslim community.

A Labour spokesman said: “What Plaid are saying is rubbish.

“We had hundreds of Muslims at the party and it has been a huge success.”

But Mr Islam added: “As a Muslim, I ask quite simply, what has New Labour done for Muslims who live in Wales?”

He also criticized Labour councillors voting down Plaid Cymru’s proposals to provide halal meals to Muslim children in Cardiff.

Labour responded with a list of its achievements on behalf of Muslims, such as setting up an interfaith council and safeguarding halal methods of food production.

Rhodri Morgan, First Minister for Wales, said: “Labour is proud to be the party that is pioneering a major annual event for Muslims, continuing a healthy dialogue within the Welsh Labour family.”

The party took place on Sunday November 27 at the Cardiff Coal Exchange and was attended by 500 people.

World News

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Fanny banny

By Emily Woodrow Reporter THE PUBLICATION of an article teaching female girls about their genitals led to Seventeen magazine being pulled from shelves in America at the end of last month.

The piece, entitled 'Vagina 101', was pulled from 2,500 branches of Albertsons' supermarket.

Rather than providing any titillation, the article by Jennifer Howze was aimed at education young teens about basic parts of their body, losing their virginity and whether to wax or shave.

The main problem for critics was an illustration of the vagina and the vulva. The parent of a teen featured in the article described it as ‘dirty, just dirty’.

Despite other magazines on sale in the Albertsons store featuring cover lines such as ‘Do miniskirts and major cleavage still pay dividends?

We dress like whores to find out!’

Seventeen was pulled after a number complains from teens and parents.

The article has raised issues about sex education in the US. Seventeen's spokeswoman Elizabeth Dye described the magazine as a ‘trusted friend’, but the complainants argue 'such issues should be taught at

school, not in a magazine'.

As well as raising the anger of some parents the storm also drew interest from Vagina Monologues playwright Eve Ensler.

She said: “Why is it that the word 'vagina,' printed or visual, will shut down newspapers and magazines, but you can say nuclear war and Scud missile?

“And you can put those on the front page of magazines and no one is horrified?"

According to a 2000 study, 9.1 million Americans aged 15-24 have contracted an STI and more than 800,000 American girls aged 15-19 fall pregnant each year nationwide.

Witch hunt

No - Greenpeace FRENCH OFFICIALS tried to blame MI6 for the bombing and subsequent sinking of the Rainbow Warrior in 1985, according to newly released documents.

The Greenpeace flagship was sabotaged in a New Zealand harbour to halt the groups protest over French nuclear testing in the Pacific.

The documents, released under the Freedom of Information Act, show how the French government attempts to incriminate MI6 soured relations between Britain and France.

Nothing for money POLICE IN San Salvador have arrested two men who were digging a 246ft tunnel into a bank vault.

The men were naked and covered in dust after working from a shaft under a derelict house for several days.

Officers said the would-be thieves had nearly reached their target. They were only apprehended when part of the tunnel collapsed, creating a gaping hole in the street directly outside the bank.

Chemical bath THE TAPS were turned on again last week, in the Chinese city of Harbin, after a toxic spill into its rivers left millions without water for five days.

Bathhouses and car washes will remain closed.

An explosion at a chemical plant in nearby Jilin province about three weeks ago poured an estimated 100 tonnes of cancercausing benzene compounds into the Songhua river.

The 50-mile slick could still affect more people in China and Russia.

Ceri Morgan

By Aline Ungewiss Reporter

Not Evolving

By Huw Thomas Reporter SCHOOLS IN Kansas, USA, are questioning Charles Darwin’s theories of evolution.

Science teachers have been given permission by the Board of Education to teach ‘intelligent design,’ where Darwinian theories are openly criticised.

Those behind the classes claim they are trying to expose students to ‘legitimate scientific questions’ about evolution, but opponents claim the pressure to teach more creationism will mean less evolution on the timetable and more religion.

While current state standards treat evolution as a well-established theory, the new classes allow teachers to say there is a lack of evidence to support ideas on the genetic code, and that fossil records are inconsistent with Darwinian teachings.

It has caused discontent in other states where similar classes have already been introduced.

In Dover, Pennsylvania, the first area to begin teaching intelligent design is likely to repeal the policy

now that new members are on the state’s Board of Education.

Judy McIlvaine, a new Board member, is adamant that creationism should be off the syllabus.

She said: “It’s not a science. We are all for it being discussed, but we do not want to see it in biology class.”

There is an ongoing court case in Dover between state schools and a group of families who argue that Biblical statements in class violate the constitutional separation of church from state.

Challengers to Dover’s intelligent design lobby are vocal.

Jill Reiter, 41, a bank teller who joined student protestors opposed to creationism last week, said she was horrified at the thought of God being brought in to science lessons.

She said: “My kids believe in God. I believe in God. But I don’t think it belongs in the science curriculum the way the school district is presenting it”.

A verdict in the case is expected early next year.

THOUSANDS OF elderly women in Tanzania are being accused of witchcraft and murdered by vigilante groups.

The police and government are said to be doing little to prevent the deaths.

The victims, from the rural and isolated corner of east Africa, are being burnt alive or murdered with machetes.

The belief in witchcraft is not uncommon in East Africa but there has never been a great persecution of suspected people.

But the current fear of witchcraft is hysterical compared to the witch burnings and trials-by-ordeal of medieval Europe.

Factors such as ignorance, poverty and personal jealousy mean that fearful peasants are quick to blame any act of fate on witchcraft.

The breakdown of the traditional tribal system of governance has prompted the increase in murders.

The policy of Tanzania demands collectivist-farming policies that

WITCH?: Murdered bring together distant peasants for work and shared facilities.

Such policies lead to a loss of individualism, and by disbanding the system of village chiefs there was no one to solve local conflicts.

The peasants then took it into their own hands to deal with suspicious witches and unwanted healers.

The government stated that it is unable to intervene and try these murderers due to a lack of resources and information.

Alleged cover-ups have meant that little information has been released by the government regarding the murders.

Exact numbers of lynch attacks are unclear because not all cases are reported.

A regional police chief admitted that there are daily occurrences, and a leaked survey by the Ministry of Home Affairs said that 5000 people had been lynched between the years of 1994 and 1998.

Editorial & Opinion

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opinion@gairrhydd.com

LOOKING FORWARD THIS WEEK the Vice Chancellor announced the abandonment of the college structure here in Cardiff.

In a move prompted by the recent departure of Deputy VC Professor Steven Tomlinson, the dispanding of the College of Medicine and Life Sciences and the College of Humanities brings to a close the process of merger between the two once separate institutions.

As a result of this, the Union’s Sabbatical Team have responded with the announcement that they are currently looking into a large scale re-structuring of the number, and role, of Sabbatical Officers there will be in Cardiff in the future, ahead of next semesters campus wide elections.

If you have aready decided that you will be running in these elections, this decision clearly has massive implications.

Although the number of Sabbatical Officers has gone down, there has been a re-distibution of the workload amongst those that remain. This will make reading the revised Sabbatical Team job descriptions even more important.

PRE - VARSITY CARDIFF RUGBY 1st XV enjoyed an outstanding 25 - 10 win over their bitter local rivals Swansea this week.

In a game billed as a pre-varsity showdown, Cardiff firmly put their opposition in their place.

With the Varisty match looming large on the horizon, scheduled for February 22 this year, it seems as though Cardiff will have the upper hand in the contest.

Always the highlight of the sporting year, the Varsity match brings together all the sporting disciplins for a one day of fierce competition.

As the competition draws nearer you will be sure to find the latest comment and analysis here in your very own gair rhydd.

Has the year of natural disasters given us all compassion fatigue? Piers Horner asks why we’re not doing more to help the people of Pakistan...

T

wo months after the earthquake in Asia in which about 73,000 people are thought to have lost their lives, over 500,000 survivors living in the mountains of India and Pakistan are still without any semblance of the shelter they require in order to survive winter.

Last week, the Independent on Sunday reported a desperate plea from one mountain village: “Please tell the British Government to help us. Please tell anyone…We have no tents and it is so cold at night. If we do not have tents soon the children will die.”

Without an immediate effort to increase the amount of aid reaching these people, it seems as though the earthquake could form the prelude to another humanitarian disaster this winter.

How can it be that the survivors of one of the most well-publicised disasters in recently times find themselves in such desperate need? It’s not as if we haven’t had any warning – there have been plenty of news reports telling us there were only a matter of weeks left before aid could no longer be delivered to these people, and that they were unprepared for the winter.

The problem, according to aid agencies, is that, despite governments having now pledged around $5.8 billion dollars for aid and rebuilding Pakistan – a figure in excess of what the Pakistani government had originally hoped for – the money simply doesn’t appear to have been delivered.

Prior to the recent donor conference in Islamabad, only about $9.5 million of

tively? This appears to be a frequent concern among donors these days.

In this situation, however, while aid is still being delivered and as long as lives are still being saved, surely it is worth losing money on? Stuff value for money – there are human lives at stake.

The money simply does not appear to be being delivered

INNOCENT VICTIMS: Why isn’t more $2 billion pledged had been delivered to Pakistan, and an emergency appeal from the United Nations for $550 million raised only $133 million.

How can the survivors of such a publicised disaster still be in desparate need?

It could be argued that the villagers should simply abandon their settlements and move out of the mountains to relief camps at lower levels. Some villagers fear, however, that by aban-

thirty on a week day?

Now, true Neighbours fans will have reveled in the recent anniversary special.

It was like my childhood, flashing before me. Also who could have resisted the flashbacks at old classic characters; the Kennedy children, the highlight, of course, being Billy! Brett and Danni Stark, Hannah and Debbie Martin. And few could resist delighting in the fact

that Sarah was now fat whilst still cursing her for what she did to Susan.

Some may call us sad, some may tell us to grow up, but Neighbours is part of us. Part of our childhood, and part of our everyday routine.

The only worrying question we now face is; what will we do when we have to have a real job, and won’t get home until after six?

Ramsay St. rules, okay

By Salli Evans

A

t 1.40pm, walk down any street in Cathays and from almost everyone’s front room, you can here that instantly recognizable tune; ‘Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours’. What is the student obsession with this highly predictable, often very poorly acted, Australian soap?

Maybe it’s the predictability of the show, seeing if you can possibly guess the next bizarre storyline. Or the age-old debate, who was the best looking

Kennedy boy, Billy or Mal? Or deciding whether it is a little bit wrong to think that Serena is hot.

Some, like me, may argue that Neighbours has been part of your life for so long, it’s now impossible to let go.

For as long as you can remember the tradition of getting in from school, and then at half past five, settling down for today’s nail biting episode. This is a tough habit to break.

Few can deny, that more then once you have found yourself watching the episode twice in one day, merely because what else is there to do at five

NAME SHAME IS IT A Touch of Class?

Abygales? or Twice as nice?

However you choose to refer to the offices of Woodville Rd’s favourite massage parlour it seems to, once again, be a case of new scandle, new name.

We reported two weeks ago about their involvement in the case of a woman being bought for sex in London.

Let us hope that the new name signals a new approach to business and Twice as Nice can stay off our pages for the forseeable future.

being done to help the survivors? doning their livestock, they will have nothing to return to with which to make a living. Besides, the conditions in some of the camps seem, in their own way, to be almost as bad. One camp is reported to have only 12 toilets serving the needs of around 3,000 people, and there have already been outbreaks of diarrhoea.

Furthermore, when aid is delivered, it is not always appropriate for the conditions. In one region, villagers received tents that were lightweight summer tents without water-proofing – inadequate shelter for the Himalayan winter.

How can this be? Are governments not releasing money quickly because they fear it will not be delivered effec-

Unfortunately, whether correct or not, and despite the upbeat messages that have been coming out of Islamabad, the situation smacks of governments spouting promises to appease their concerned publics – adopting the impression of compassion while reluctant to back their sentiment with real action or investment.

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time that governments have promised much and subsequently delivered little.

Unfortunately, however, it is often only the big pledges that form the main stories in the media, not whether those pledges are ultimately fulfilled.

As long as this trend continues, governments have no incentive to ensure they follow up on their admirable words.

To the villagers in the mountains, however, these details may have little significance. They need urgent help now. The rest of the world has the means and the compassion to help deliver it. Let’s hope it will do so soon.

STUDENT FAVOURITE: Note David Bishop’s face

by alex wallis

FREE WORD

The forgotten survivors

Al’s World

gair rhydd

December 5 2005

Editorial & Opinion

Page 9

opinion@gairrhydd.com

A SAD SUCCESSION OF CELEBRITY SELL-OUTS Ed Vanstone slates the growing trend of the rich and famous lending their names to the highest bidder

I

used to like Jack White a lot. I liked his kookiness. I liked the fact that he lets his sister/exwife, Meg ‘Talent Factory’ White, be in The White Stripes, and continues to write the same simple drum beat for her to play in every song. I really liked track eight on Elephant; the one with guitar solos that go: dinow na now na nownow. I liked that scary moustache that he grew which made him look like a hobo.

But I don’t like Jack White anymore. In fact, if Jack came up to me now and asked to be my friend, I would say: ‘No Jack I don’t want to be your friend. I hate you. You are a stupid-face. Leave me alone or I will kill you with knives.’ And then I would glare at him until he started crying.

So, why has Jack plummeted from cool guy to stupid-face in my estimations? Well, he’s only gone and written a song for Coca-Cola. The silly, silly little red and white man…

This is Jack White, who writes songs about the death of the sweetheart, and records albums with archaic equipment. If anyone could be relied upon to resist the capitalist’s cash, he could. Right? Well, apparently not.

I hope it’s ignorance rather than avarice that has prompted Jack’s decision, and if so I would direct him to www.killercoke.org. His song’s lyrics,

reputedly about global love, might taste slightly bitter after such enlightenment.

Jack’s not the only celebrity abusing his position, of course. It’s not exactly a new occurrence, but there have been a spate of particularly distressing sell-outs lately. Not least Lord Robert Winston, the fertility expert, who is advertising St Ivel’s Omega 3 ‘clever milk’. Now, Robert Winston is an extremely intelligent man, well respected in his field, and one of the most familiar faces in science. Why then has he thrown his weight behind a product which is not proven to have any effect on IQ?

‘No matter how much Lord Winston has been paid, he can’t buy back his integrity’ The press release says it all: ‘Anecdotal evidence from teachers and parents indicates that increasing intake of Omega 3 may improve learning for some children.’ The key words here: ‘anecdotal’, ‘indicates’, ‘may’ and ‘some’. Devoid of spin, the press release reads: ‘A few teachers and parents have mentioned that a few kids who had more Omega 3 might have

gotten a bit cleverer. Perhaps. Maybe.’

No matter how much Lord Winston has been paid, he can’t buy back his integrity.

For me, however, Jack White’s and Lord Robert Winston’s crimes pale into near insignificance compared to another recent celebrity sell-out Carol Vorderman fronting loan advertisements. This one has hit me very hard, because I really, really loved Carol. I wanted her to be my mum.

She’s always smiling and she does the really hard sums on Countdown that I can’t do at all (even when I try lots and lots and use paper and everything).

Robert Winston advertising St Ivel’s ‘clever milk’ will not wreck anyone’s life. Jack White writing a song for Coca Cola will not wreck anyone’s life (apart from perhaps a few ethical die-hard ‘Stripes fans).

Carol Vorderman advertising loans will wreck people’s lives. This is not an exaggeration. The retirees, unemployed, and students who make up Countdown’s audience are all predominantly – you guessed it – poor. They trust Carol, she’s clever, she can do ridiculously hard sums, they need a few pounds, she wouldn’t advertise anything that wasn’t a good deal, would she?

Unfortunately, protesting ‘But Carol said it was a great offer,’ isn’t going to prevent bailiffs from taking your house.

SILLY SELLING SHENANIGANS: Please, go and hit a ball Venus/Serena

BETTER LEFT UNSAID Dan Ridler looks at the recent passing of George Best, and the surrounding media furore, with a critical eye

BEST: Not the best

GEORGE BEST, legend, genius with a football, trend-setter and idol. A shameless womaniser, alcoholic, waster and drain on funds.

That’s the truth from all angles.

That’s the epitaph to the legend told with brutal honesty. He was all those things and undoubtedly more.

He was wonderful at football, sheer brilliance. A man with skill that would make Michael Owen look like a schoolboy amateur.

Best was the it-man off the pitch before anything was ‘it’, the man everyone wanted to be around and as cool as smooth marble on the pitch, with confidence to match his skills.

Football was his form of expression, so friends have said.

Sad then, that this once glorious man should end his life withered in a hospital, killed by his own addiction, having worked his way through two livers, shattering his other organs on the way. Taking up valuable resources and organs that could have been used on more deserving cases.

Unable to settle down, unable to control himself. Unable to stop.

These views aren’t tasteless. I’m not speaking ill of the dead I’m speaking truth. I refuse to eulogise Best to the extent that every pundit has done in

the last week because it’s just rubbish, and in our heart of hearts we know that.

Hardly a promising young life cut short was it? He had dated and bedded numerous, famous and beautiful women, and he had drunk enough for several average lifetimes. He had had the houses, the cars, the lifestyle most can only dream of. He had been turned down by women, disappointed and hurt like every man.

Ultimately though, before he died Best was living on borrowed time anyway. It was his own fault. He wouldn’t stop drinking.

He couldn’t say no.

We all have our foibles, our inconsolable weaknesses. This was George’s. That doesn’t make him a bad man. It makes him a real man; but not a myth. Mythical men are what we want, to satiate our incessant search for the best, the strongest, to allow us to set a standard to secure our insecurities and find our heroes and direct our aims.

Perhaps though, it’s time for us to stop searching for the perfect goal. and live up to ourselves, not an unreachable, unrealistic ideal.

It’s time, for the sake of sanity, to stop talking trash about dead people.

e

On y n A

oP Any INI ON

me i t Any ne O y An

oP Any INI ON

me i t Any opinion@gairrhydd.com

Letters

Page 10

December 5 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd letters page Hello folks, how are you coping with deadlines this week? I have lots of work to do. Roll on Christmas. I can’t wait to open presents and eat turkey. Then again, I have to buy presents too. Damn, I forgot about that. It looks like I will have to raise my overdraft again.

Anyway, if you are still reading this, the letters page this week is dominated by the SVC debate. After a complaint about the charity was printed last week, SVC and various students have responded. We have chosen a few select answers from the deluge of letters in support of SVC that we have recieved. So take a break and get cracking. Menon.

Projected Response AS STUDENTS co-ordinating the SVC project in question, we wish to address the apparent grievances of these “two angry language students” who have put forward a wholly unfair and untrue account of the volunteer recruitment process.

SVC is a registered charity which co-ordinates over 30 projects, all run by students. If it wasn’t for the student co-ordinators and the student executive committee there would be no projects at all. It is thanks to these students, giving up hours of their free time every week that SVC can function.

The overwhelming success of the volunteering fayre, which saw 1200 interested students come through its doors, meant that most of SVC’s projects were greatly oversubscribed. Our reading project was no different, with around 80 volunteers expressing an interest.

We required volunteers to attend one meeting and one further training session and at this stage we still had around fifty enthusiastic volunteers, wanting one of twenty-five places.

We made no secret of the fact the project was oversubscribed, and continually reassured the students that we would find a way to enable them to volunteer. In order to facilitate this we have gone to the additional effort of setting up a new project in another school, in order to avoid any disappointment. We are in the process of establishing this new project, but have always maintained that this would not start before Christmas.

Text:

Due to the location of the school, the existence of the project depends on the willingness of a volunteer offering to drive each day. When this girl signed up to our project at the fair, she ticked the drivers box on the sign up form, leading us to believe that she was a willing and able driver.

We frequently come across the issue of potential drivers changing their minds for a variety of reasons, and this is never a problem. They have never been disadvantaged in any way and this case is no different. We can assure the student that her change of mind was not the reason she was unable to start on the project. There were far more prevalent factors involved.

Our decision was quite simply determined by the legal requirement for two references before being able to work with children.

This student was the only one without these references at the time the project was due to start. Unfortunately this was our only option and we apologise for any upset caused at this stage, but as anyone working with children would testify, the safety of the children on our project is paramount.

All volunteers who could not be accommodated on their first choice days were offered a place on a Monday or Friday where we had openings. We also assured them a place on our new project, set up to accommodate all of our enthusiastic and valued volunteers.

The student was not replaced by her housemate as she claims, but by another of our volunteers. The housemate, in fact, replaced somebody else at a far later stage.

In addition this housemate was not

07791165837

Oh the rangers are shite, so fuckin shite! (sing with it me)

Dr H. Gomez is hotter than a rapidly collapsing neutron star

Im not a student bt went 2 a lecture 2day. Thank god 4 full time employment.

The girl on the right of me in t&a’s is mega fit!!!

I go all stiff when the camera’s stuck in my face

Mr J Scharf we have your NUS card! You can have it back for £1,000,000,000.

Mwahahahahaha!

How do pharmacists justify smoking?

Lucy and emma love bum love on mondays

Sex smells, wash your tuppence and winkie!

800 was a sensational paper- Trist, gr alumnus

approached to drive given that, at the volunteering fayre, she indicated she was a non-driver. It would appear that gair rhydd has been misinformed.

We regret that these students felt the need to approach gair rhydd rather than SVC to address their grievances.

All volunteers have been repeatedly encouraged to approach us with any problems regarding this project, and this is the first time we have heard of any such issue.

By complaining in this way, rather than following SVC’s complaints procedure, they are unjustly bringing the charity’s well established reputation into disrepute on an entirely unfounded basis with these libellous claims.

Should these students wish to contact us, they have our details and we advise that they speak to charity management if they still feel aggrieved by the situation.

Rhyannon Blythe and Rhian Thomas, Project Co-ordinators.

They Were Lucky I WAS SO pleased when I read the letter about volunteering. I want the 'angry language students' to know that they're not the only ones who have signed up for a reading project and ended up disappointed.

In fact, they were lucky. They got a look in. Most of us meer non-drivers don’t understand that the reading projects are very popular.

But why are so many people allowed to sign up in the first place? It doesn't take a genius to work out that most are going to be disappointed.

I was one of the few people who went to a social put on by people running the project. I was made to feel that this would help me get a place.

But did I? No. The course project managers say that they choose by whose references come back first. But they should understand how disappointing it is when you go to all the trouble of getting your references and forms filled in as quickly as possible, all the time thinking that you might actually be able to do some volutneering at the

end of it all....and then you can't.

You wouldn't think it would be so hard to work for free!

Juliet Heath

Worth Saying IT HAS BEEN quite a week it’s been for letters page here in gair rhydd. The letter in the last issue which criticised the work of the Student Volunteering Cardiff (SVC) certainly seems to have touched a nerve.

Those of you still writing in will be pleased to know that we have received many, many, many letters of support for SVC. However this also seems like a good time to remind people of the purpose of a student newspaper such as gair rhydd.

Our role is to represent the voice of the whole student body, that means everyone.

Of course it isn’t fantastic to read about an opinion which is contrary to your own beliefs and the beliefs of an organisation you are involved in but thats all they are, opinions.

The Letters page serves as a method of stimulating debate amongst the student body, people respond to what they read the following week, and the cycle continues.

To suggest that any organisation, person or any element in the fabric of Cardiff University life is beyond being the subject of student opinion would be an error indeed.

The important thing here is that the Letters pages do not purport to be composed of facts, this has always been the case.

Regards Tom Wellingham Editor, gair rhydd

Xmas Rant DESPITE BEING an extremely exciting time of year, Christmas is sincerely over hyped far too soon – and it is getting earlier and earlier by the year! Not too long after we

started back at uni this term, yes surely enough advent calendars and Christmas cards were filling the shelves, singing Santas and Christmas trees everywhere you go, driving you to despair!

New toys constantly advertised in your face wherever you go for months on end on the TV and around town, pressurising poor Mums and Dads to buy their beloved kids the latest and of course most expensive toy. Town becomes heaving and it’s just impossible to get anywhere, as it’s full of frantic Christmas shoppers even on a weekday! Especially with it being the season of goodwill scurrying through town with charity upon charity trying to stop shoppers everywhere, makes you feel even more guilty at this time of year with Christmas coming up.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love Christmas just not the massive and unnecessary over hype of it all, especially in September when summer is barely over! After all it is for only one day of the year.

At the end of the day after all the hype we still love Christmas, still enjoy the free food, booze and presents and we get to see our friends and family at home of course!

Ta Joanne Grew 2nd yr English Language Student Please email letters to:

letters@gairrhydd.com

Fancy a moan about student life?

If you want to get your point across to the Cardiff student population, this is the place to do it.

If you want to see your letter printed in next week’s issue, try and email it by Thursday lunchtime.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

letter of the week OK. IT SEEMS to me, from a newspaper perspective, that this argument, though important, has probably run its course. We risk simply repeating the same points over again. I intend, therefore, for this to be my final word on the subject (for now, at least).

It seems unfortunate to me that so much attention has been placed on my use of Northern Ireland in the original article, and I wish to reiterate what my most exigent point in that article was. As I put in my last letter, the situation in Northern Ireland was simply used to demonstrate how wrong I believe the “blow ‘em all up” approach to dealing with terrorism (as has been expressed by Mark) is.

Many people were murdered in the conflict without anything constructive being achieved, and I don’t agree that the form of terrorism we face today means that we should

adopt that kind of approach in the current conflict.

In summary, the real point of my article was that the West cannot simply claim it has absolutely no responsibilty for the current situation. It cannot deny that some of the terrorist arguments (regarding suffering/ conflicts in some Muslim countries) have a basis in fact, and represent real grievances in which the postion/ actions of the West play a role.

If we simply ignore these grievances we run the risk of giving our own governments opportunity to act unfairly in world politics (as, in my opinion, they have done in the past) and creating even more hatred against the West.

These may be the issues on which terrorist organisation receive their ‘grass-roots’ support - it certainly appears to have been a motivation for at least one of the British bombers in the 7/7 attacks - not

because people want to introduce oppressive regimes such as those championed by Osama bin Laden into their countries.

Without grass-roots support, Osama bin Laden would not be able to continue a war against the West.

Perhaps, therefore, we ought to do more to improve the current situation in places like Chechnya and Palestine (while, of course, treating the other sides of those conflicts equally), rather than creating even more conflict and tension.

With better living standards, one might also expect the population of a country to demand greater say in the running of their country.

This is the approach I would like the West to take if it wishes to firmly establish democracy in other countries.

Best wishes Piers.

Comment

December 5 2005

Page 11

geordie@gairrhydd.com

The chewing gum on the shoe of opinion

Sharon: May peace be with you Ariel Sharon’s Kadima party could provide the spark the Middle-East peace process desperately needs

A

riel Sharon’s decision to leave the party he helped create, Likud, and form a new centrist party could be the most significant move by a MiddleEastern politician for years. In a close second is Shimon Peres quitting the Israeli Labour Party to support Sharon’s new creation, the centrist party Kadima, and serve as Deputy Premier.

The Israeli PM’s intention is not only to take voters from the other parties, but to take the party members themselves as well - a move which will totally reshape Israeli politics.

Peres’ support makes success for Sharon in next March’s general election much more likely. Centrism, by its very nature, attracts flagging voters and results in the necessary compromise.

Without the restrictiveness of the ultra-right elements of Likud or the naïve Labour members of the coalition insisting on negotiation, Sharon can continue his policy of staged unilateralism unmolested. While his detractors fail to distinguish between Ariel the statesman and ‘Arik’ the general, as he was known during his army days, Sharon is the best hope for a workable resolution to the conflict.

Sharon’s move could be a case of the brutalising effect of National Service wearing off with age, a ploy to retain his position or simply the gradual realisation that he must be more pragmatic. In any case, the abandonment of ideology in favour of realpolitik is precisely the step that needed to be taken. It’s a brave move from

G !

2

Like most of the world’s inventions, the internet quickly became devoted almost exclusively to sexual pursuits.

Porn. Some of it, sadly, child porn.

But a thought occurs. One of my younger gair rhydd colleagues has a girlfriend of 17 years of age. Despite the total legality and legitamacy of their relationship, if he were to put a digital camera to its proper use, technically it would constitute child pornography.

This is quite silly. People aged 16 and 17 are, in the eyes of the law, sufficiently mature to be trusted with their own bodies, their own sexuality, but not if it’s on film. Then they have to wait a year or two.

It’s not just sex where the 16-18 difference comes into play.

One of the main cries of opposition to British rule in North America was

Sharon to take that step first, when many see initial Palestinian concessions as the only precursor to peace.

The policy espoused by Likud’s hardliners of entitlement to a ‘Greater Israel’ including the West Bank and Gaza Strip is rejected by all but the most fervent Israelis. It is widely acknowledged that complete annexation of all Palestinian territory will only result in more violence, and denies the Palestinians the very right to self-determination that legitimises the creation of the State of Israel.

On the other hand, Labour’s preferred option of negotiation has consistently failed to deliver results, despite the Nobel Peace Prizes awarded to Peres, Yitzhak Rabin and Yasser Arafat. Ever since the latter refused the best offer the Palestinians have ever had – all of Gaza, 93% of the West Bank and small parts of Israel-proper – in what Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia described as “a crime against the Palestinian people”, it was clear that no compromise would ever be reached over the negotiating table.

The failure to reach an agreement is due almost entirely on the Palestinians’ insistence on establishing a capital in East Jerusalem, land which Israel refuses to give up. Many would argue the Palestinians lost any right to Jerusalem after starting wars of aggression and losing. That fact, however, has not prevented Palestinian leaders being treated as equal negotiating partners, uniquely in history.

Sharon’s plan seeks to secure peace without giving up half of the Israeli capital or threatening the Jewish

“No taxation without representation”: the assertion that those who pay taxes should have a say in how those taxes are spent.

That is clearly not the case here. I could have chosen to leave school at 16 (and how much money I would have saved...). Had I done so, I would have been paying taxes immediately but with no right to vote for another two years. Hardly fair, is it?

The Liberal Democrat party supports lowering the age at which people can buy pornography and the voting age to 16 years old. Gets my vote. Got my vote...

"

The story of the elderly charity worker kidnapped by militants in Iraq brings illegal detention to the fore once again.

This also means that Guantanámo Bay is back in the public consciousness, and the widespread abuse carried out in the name of freedom that is

nature of the state. Sharon rejects the single-state solution, and although he claims the Jewish people have an historic right to the whole of Israel (ie. from the Mediterranean Sea to the River Jordan), Kadima policy is to grant territorial concessions, but retain the largest settlement blocks, effectively ending forty years of occupation.

The Palestinians lost the right to Jerusalem by starting a war of aggression The pullout from Gaza and acceptance that most West Bank settlements are untenable will be seen by many as rewarding terrorism, and inviting more of the same. But if Israel quits the West Bank unilaterally, as with Gaza, they are able to create a Palestinian state on their own terms without too much in the way of compromise. Terrorist attacks against civilians will become much less justifiable after being granted statehood, however much argument there is over the status of East Jerusalem.

The plausibility of Israel and a Palestinian State living peacefully side-by-side is encouraging. Kadima represents the first real chance for peace in the Middle-East for a very long time. Let’s hope that politics doesn’t get in the way.

SHARON: Has a nice face

going not only unpunished but almost unmentioned.

Compare the US with Israel. The latter has outlawed even nonphysical torture, even in the case of ‘ticking bomb’ terrorists. America, on the other hand, gives its soldiers free reign to physically assualt detainees held with no good cause, extract ‘confessions’ under threat from razor-blades and desecrate the Koran, all without any credible imminent threat. They even have Donald Rumsfeld arguing for their ‘right’ to torture.

Suicide bombers can justify their murders to themselves via reciprocity.

Under the established moral code of “do not do unto others what it hateful to you”, those who would willing die for a nationalist or religious cause can therefore justify killing.

This is, of course, highly dubious.

But torturers cannot even use this questionable defence. So you could say that torturing suicide bombers is even more ‘wrong’ than suicide bomb-

ing. In attempting to fight their enemy, America risks becoming everything they despise. The lessons of Anakin Skywalker have clearly fallen on deaf ears.

!

Best of luck to those taking advantage of the change in the law that allows gay couples to register in civil ceremonies equivalent to marriage.

"

President Bush’s plans to bomb the al-Jazeera television station in Qatar are symptomatic of an horrendous disregard for non-Westerners.

Although the leaked memo detailing the plan was first reported in the Mirror, which invariably features stories of questionable veracity (prisoner abuse photos anyone?), the fact that Lord Goldsmith immediately threatened publishing editors with prosecu-

tion under the Official Secrets Act indicates something a bit dodgy.

Tony finally did something right in persuading the Prez not to attack innocent journalists in a friendly nation.

!

On top of which, ID cards are a bad idea.

Tabloid Front Page of the week

Features

Page 12

December 5 2005

features@gairrhydd.com

Stop the violence With Human Rights Day held on December 10, Kerry-Lynne Doyle asks whether violence against women can ever come to an end

A

t the age of just 20 a Lithuanian woman was brought to Cardiff and forced to serve as a prostitute in three of the city’s brothels; she was bought for £5,000. After being brought to Cardiff by a sex-trafficking gang in early 2005, the woman, who has not been named, received beatings from the gang – and was threatened with death if she ever tried to escape.

While one member of the gang admitted the crime and another was found guilty on trial at Cardiff Crown Court, the woman’s harrowing story is just one example of the violence against women that occurs every day across the UK and the globe.

A recent poll by Amnesty International found that one in three women has been subjected to beatings, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime - usually by a member of her family or someone known to her. In an attempt to eliminate these statistics, Amnesty has organised a 16day campaign to stop violence against women. Running from November 25 until Human Rights Day on December 10, the campaign will draw attention to the various manifestations of violence against women worldwide.

Violence at home

The issue of domestic violence was once again in the UK headlines during November with the conviction of Paul Dyson for murdering his girlfriend, Joanne Nelson. Dyson, 31, had a history of violence towards women and strangled Joanne after a row over loading the washing machine on the eve of St Valentine’s Day this year. After making tearful television pleas for Joanne to return home, he eventually admitted her murder. Joanne was only 22 when she died.

While rates of domestic violence against men are on the increase, a global study by the World Health Organisation released in November revealed that every 18 seconds a woman is the victim of domestic violence.

In Wales an increasing number of women under the age of 25 are abused by their partner

The study coordinator, Dr Claudia Garcia Moreno said: “Domestic violence can be prevented and governments and communities need to mobilise to fight this widespread public health problem.”

She goes on to ask: “Who will continue to raise awareness about violence and the important role that public health can play to address its causes and consequences. Globally, we need

Useful contacts

Domestic Abuse Helpline – Fre ephone 0808 8010 800. Open 8am until 2pm; 8p m until 2am. ! National Do mestic Violence Helpline – Fre ephone 0808 2000 247. Open 24 ho urs. ! Welsh Refug ee Council – 029 2048 9800 ! Women’s Sa fety Unit – 029 2022 2022 ! Women Conn ect First Ltd – 029 2034 31 5 ! The Student Support Centre - 029 2087 48 44 ! Nightline - 02 9 2022 3993 - 8pm until 8a m daily !

VICTIM: A girl rescued from sex trafficking to stop the violence from happening in the first place, and to provide help and support to women who are in abusive relationships.”

In Wales, domestic violence continues to be a problem, with an increasing number of women under the age of 25 suffering at the hands of their partner.

“Since we established the Domestic Abuse Helpline, 82% of the women who have contacted us have been between the ages of 18 and 24,” revealed Angharad Jones, Communications Officer at Welsh Women’s Aid. “I would just like to stress to any women in this age group that you’re not alone and that support is out there.”

Internationally, the home remains a sphere for violence with women subjected to forced marriages, violence within the family and ‘honour’ killings.

In 2004 Amnesty International estimated that up to half of all women living in Turkey were victims of physical violence within their own families, a statistic which women’s groups within the country want to turn around.

“Generally, we live in fear. Fear from our fathers, brothers and husbands,” admitted Nebahat Akkoç, the founder of KAMER Women’s Centre, which works against family violence in Turkey.

“From now on, we don’t want to be exchanged. We don’t want to marry someone whose face we’ve never seen.

We don’t want to be made a present of.

We don’t want to be uneducated. We don’t want to live in continual fear of being punished for no good reason.”

Rape Another issue of violence againstwomen which hit the British headlines

in November was rape. A poll by ICM, a market research company, for Amnesty International found that a third of people believed that if a woman is flirtatious she is partially or totally responsible for being raped. More than a quarter of those surveyed believed that a woman was similarly responsible if she was wearing revealing clothes, exposing that deep-seated and disturbing attitudes towards rape are still prevalent in our society.

In the same week in which the poll was released, its findings were manifested in a Welsh courtroom. The rape case of a 20-year-old female student from Aberystwyth University collapsed at Swansea Crown Court because the judge, Mr Justice Roderick Evans, claimed that “drunken consent is still consent”.

Mr Evans’s statement came after the victim claimed that she had been drifting in and out of consciousness during the incident - a state in which, as defined under the 2003 Sexual Offences Act, a person would be unable to give consent. The Crown Prosecution Service has demanded a full report into the case - and women’s rights groups and campaigners have reacted angrily to the ruling.

“There are situations in which someone is drunk and can give consent,” noted Joanna Lovett, a research officer at London Metropolitan University’s Child & Woman Abuse Studies Unit.

“However, the ruling implies that a person can give consent in any state of drunkenness even though the Sex Offences Act says that people must have the freedom of capacity to give it.

From what I know of the case, this woman did not have this capacity.”

On an international scale, rape con-

tinues to be used as a weapon of conflict. Usually committed by one side to another, rape is utilised as genderbased torture in conflicts throughout the world.

Rape and sexual mutilation is one legacy of the ongoing crisis in the Darfur region of Sudan. With both acts of violence a social, cultural and religious taboo in the region, most incidents go unreported. Many women fear being disowned by their families and ostracised by their communities: “Five to six men would rape us, one after the other, for hours during six days every night. My husband could not forgive me. After this he disowned me,” one survivor recalled.

Yet sexual attacks are not the only form of violence inflicted upon women in war-torn countries. Mutilation, abduction and murder are all forms of violence which have been used against women in wars worldwide. As highlighted by the United Nations, it is women and children who bear the brunt in violent conflicts.

“Readily available and easy to use, small arms and light weapons have been the primary or sole tools of violence in almost every conflict dealt with by United Nations,” said UN Secretary General Kofi Annan.

“In the hands of irregular troops operating with scant respect for international and humanitarian law, these weapons have taken a heavy toll on human lives with women and children accounting for nearly 80% of the casualties.”

The future

While there is no doubt that violence against women is, in most cases, performed by a minority of men – and that men are also victims of violence including rape, domestic abuse and sexual exploitation - the eyes of the world cannot stay blind to the many types of violence endured by women both in the UK and internationally.

“The fact that one in four women in the UK will be a victim of violence at some point in their life is a shocking reality,” asserted Jess Boydell of Amnesty International Wales.

“We hope that our campaign will not only alert people to such horrific facts, but also reassure women that this treatment is wrong. We have to change the perception that violence against women is somehow okay - but also the perception that it doesn’t really exist.

“It does exist, the world over, and the important issue is that such violence goes much further than domestic abuse; it can include genital mutilation, honour killing, trafficking and torture.”

And with these issues still paramount in the lives of women around the globe, it seems that it is only through education, support and calls for action that we can begin to stop this type of violence once and for all.

For more information on the campaign to eliminate violence against women visit www.amnesty.org

Health

December 5 2005

Page 13

health@gairrhydd.com

DYING TO BE THIN

Health examines the extremely worrying, media-fuelled, celebrity-led trend that is sweeping the nation with alarming force: anorexia

ANOREXIA : The facts

By Vanessa Roche Health Editor

I

t is estimated that one in 25 people suffer from anorexia.

Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder in which the sufferer has an abnormal attitude to food.

People with anorexia develop a fear of becoming fat and have a distorted view of their bodies. They develop habits such as under-eating, over-exercising, food rituals and an excessive consumption of laxatives.

They will normally not eat anything for days on end, or concentrate on eating only very small amounts of food, such as one apple a day.

Not surprisingly, the health implications of anorexia are very worrying.

Depriving your body of food can lead to dehydration, kidney stone formation and kidney failure, muscle wasting, constipation, growth of fine downy hair on the arms and face, osteoporosis, rare or missing periods and, most, worryingly, an irregular heartbeat that can lead to serious heart problems, heart failure and death.

Despite extensive research, nobody has ever really worked out why anorexia develops. It usually begins when the sufferer is in their midteens, although this is not always the case.

Sufferers are predominantly female but it does affect males as well. Some theories for its development are that it is a genetic tendency, a response to extreme stress, the result of a desire to be ‘perfect’, and there is some evidence to suggest that it is affected by abnormal levels of several brain and body chemicals.

The most common thing that is blamed in our society is the constant media bombardment of images of ‘super-skinny’ celebrities in newspapers and magazines – this is particularly pertinent for women. Celebrities such as Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie are dangerously underweight but are role models to anorexics because of their skinny frames and protruding bones.

If you are worried about somebody, you have to remember to be careful with their feelings. To somebody with anorexia, discussing their weight can be a frightening experience and they may be very confrontational. They may have built up very strong defences and the best way to get through to them is to try and remain sympathetic no matter how they react.

From the frontline: Bec Storey shares her personal experience of coping with anorexia nervosa

Keep communicating with them and let them know that you are there for them, and point them in the direction of health care professionals. Be prepared to be knocked back a few times and keep your sense of humour about you – sufferers will often strongly deny that they have a problem and lash out at you. Just keep trying. Their life is worth your time.

Approximately 50% of sufferers recover within 5 years, although many people remain preoccupied with food.

The difference is that they are eating it rather than avoiding it, even if they are very picky about what they will eat.

Anorexia is a very serious disorder and should never be taken lightly. If you are worried about somebody, or are suffering from anorexia yourself, PLEASE contact:

By Bec Storey Travel Editor

I

! The UK Eating Disorder Association: www.edauk.com/getting_help.ht m ! The National Centre for Eating Disorders: 01372 469493 ! Anorexia and Bulimia Care (ABC):www.anorexiabulimicare.co.uk, 01462 423351 ! Your General Practitioner (GP)

TOO THIN: Mary-Kate Olsen, Victoria Beckham and Kate Lawler

began my unhealthy relationship with food at the age of 15. I was being bullied at school and for me food became the enemy.

I channelled my anger from being bullied at food, if I stopped eating then I believed I could stop the bullies.

It is only now with hindsight that I can see I had a problem with food and although my relationship with food still has its ups and downs I am now able to spot the signs and deal with them as they arise.

The problem with eating disorders is that most people suffering genuinely don’t know they have a problem. It didn’t matter how many times people told me I had to eat or that I was too thin I just thought they were being stupid. It made me hide the symptoms although at the time I thought everything I did was normal.

I started lying to my parents, pretending I’d had a meal at school so I could get away with a salad at night. I even stopped taking money so I wasn’t able to buy food even if I was hungry.

When I reached my lowest point I was at college and was fortunate to have a great group of friends. I’d left the bullying at school but my problem had remained with me.

Now I realise I channelled my eating problem into the stress of A Levels instead of breaking the cycle. It had become such a part of me I didn’t know how to move on.

The turning point for me was when I was so thin that my periods stopped for a year, I was constantly at the doctors and one day my mum just broke down in tears in front of me. I realised then that this was no longer about me.

For the first time I understood that lying, not eating and fainting wasn’t normal.

In my final year of college I was involved in a theatre production of ‘Hard to Swallow’ - a play based of the real life of Catherine Dunbar’s struggle with anorexia. Catherine died at the age of 22.

By performing as Catherine and acting out her diary extracts I realised how much we had in common. It scared me so much I had to change.

It isn’t a case of just starting to eat again though. Your whole attitude to food is different, and when you are so used to not eating you physically don’t get hungry. By this point I had also become obsessed with my figure, it was another way to feel control. I was stuck in the trap of wanting to eat to get better, but if I ate my stomach wouldn’t be flat so I couldn’t eat.

It was my supportive friends and family that helped me escape the rut. I think confidence is the key. If you are confident in yourself you can abandon the rituals and obsessions.

If anyone reading this thinks they do have unusual habits with food, please talk to someone. You don’t have to stop eating altogether to have an eating disorder. If you have a friend you think is hiding something, reassurance and understanding can make a real difference.

The counselling service at the university is a great place to go. They are understanding and totally confidential.

Don’t leave it until it is too late.

To see a counsellor if you are studying at Cathays Park campus: call (029) 2087 4966 or email counselling@cardiff.ac.uk or visit 50 Park Place ; and if you are studying at Heath Park campus: call (029) 2074 2070, or email, (as before), or visit Student Support Services, 2nd Floor, Cardigan House.

Salvation through starvation?

By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor

E LINDSAY LOHAN: skeletal

NEXT WEEK: We look at the effect that the new 24-hour drinking license is having on our health. Are we bingedrinking more, or less? Send us your opinions at health@gairrhydd.com or letters@gairrhydd.com.

ating disorders such as anorexia are far more talked about today than at any other point in history.

Anorexia, bulimia and other conditions are the focus of television shows, magazine articles and countless articles on the World Wide Web. However, the Internet is also used as a tool for those who choose not to seek help for eating disorders and has led to the creation of the ‘pro-ana’ community on the information superhighway. We decided to use the web in

the same way as anybody searching for pro-ana sites would: a simple Google search brought up thousands of sites dedicated to the ‘pro-ana’ philosophy.

Many are in fact web-based communities that offer support and friendship for those who feel that they can no longer talk to family and friends about their feelings about food. Others offer tips and tricks to stop people finding out about your lack of eating ideas on how to avoid hunger pains and, central to many of the sites that we found, a ‘thinspiration’ gallery packed full of celebrities who are deemed to have the ‘perfect body’ (for example, Mary-

Kate Olsen, (above, centre) who was admitted to a rehab clinic in 2004 for a ‘health-related issue’ which many believed to be anorexia).

The danger with these sites is that many embrace anorexia and other disorders as a ‘lifestyle choice’ rather than a condition that needs to be addressed and treated, without warning of any of the health implications.

Unfortunately, despite numerous campaigns in America for domain providers to shut down such sites, the nature of the Net means that such sites would just pop back up a few months later. If you currently subscribe to them, let go. It could save your life.

Taf-Od

Rhagfyr 5 2005

Tud 15

tafod@gairrhydd.com

S4C YN GOSOD Y SAFON AR GYFER DYSGU AR-LEIN Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od MAE LANSIAD gwefan newydd sbon sy’n galluogi i ddysgwyr ar bob lefel ddilyn rhai o raglenni mwyaf poblogaidd S4C yn golygu bod Cymru ar flaen y gad o ran dysgu amlieithog rhyngweithiol.

Mae’r wefan newydd a grëwyd i S4C gan y cwmni cyhoeddi aml gyfrwng, Acen – y gellir dod o hyd iddi ar s4c.co.uk/dysgwyr neu www.acen.co.uk – yn darparu cynnwys a gweithgareddau ar bum lefel, ar gyfer dysgwyr pur a dysgwyr mwy profiadol.

Bydd cyflwyniadau i actorion, cymeriadau a sefyllfaoedd ar y wefan yn ogystal â chefndir ar hanes a diwylliant Cymru a sgriptiau yn Saesneg a Chymraeg syml a ellir eu darllen ochryn-ochr â chlipiau fideo o raglenni.

Bydd fforwm ar gyfer dysgwyr ac ystod o ymarferion rhyngweithiol hefyd arni, sy’n canolbwyntio yn y lle cyntaf ar dair cyfres S4C, Noson Lawen, Emyn Roc a Rôl a 04Wal. Bydd mwy o raglenni yn cael eu hychwanegu bob mis i adeiladu cronfa gynhwysfawr o adnoddau ar gyfer dysgwyr.

Mae’r wefan yn dynodi’r cymal cyntaf ym mholisi rhyngweithiol S4C sydd hefyd yn cynnwys defnydd ‘botwm coch’ teledu digidol o adnod-

dau dysgwyr o 2006 ymlaen.

‘Mae’r wefan yn torri tir newydd yn y ffordd y mae’n darparu adnoddau rhyngweithiol ar wahanol lefelau a gellid ei defnyddio fel canllaw ar gyfer dysgu ieithoedd eraill,’ meddai Iona Jones, Prif Weithredwr newydd S4C. ‘Mae’r wefan hefyd yn chwyldroi y modd y mae S4C yn cefnogi dysgwyr.

Yn y gorffennol, cynhyrchwyd rhaglenni wedi eu targedu’n benodol at ddysgwyr, a ystyriwyd yn garfan o wylwyr ar wahân. Bellach rydym yn integreiddio dysgwyr i ganol teulu gwylio S4C.’ ‘Mae’r wefan newydd yn pontio’r bwlch i ddysgwyr Cymraeg sy’n awyddus i ddeall mwy am raglenni Cymraeg S4C ond sydd eto heb y cefndir i wneud hynny’n llawn,’ ychwanegodd Elen Rhys, Cyfarwyddwr Acen. ‘Mae’n darparu cefnogaeth ieithyddol ac mae’n cynnig gwybodaeth am amserlenni y Sianel.

‘Bydd y cynnwys a gweithgareddau rhyngweithiol yn cryfhau mwynhad dysgwyr o raglenni Cymraeg S4C ac yn eu galluogi i ddefnyddio S4C fel adnodd dysgu gwerthfawr. Mawr yw ein diolch i’r cynhyrchwyr annibynnol a phawb arall sydd wedi bod mor barod eu cefnogaeth i’r prosiect cyffrous hwn ac edrychwn ymlaen at glywed ymateb y dysgwyr eu hun i’r wefan.”

Acen ac S4C yn lansio gwefan ar gyfer dysgwyr Cymraeg

Wyt ti’n awyddus i gyfrannu i Taf Od? Mae yna ddigon o gyfleoedd i arddangos dy ddoniau. Tyrd i’n gweld ni ar y pedwerydd llawr, neu e-bostia:

tafod@gairrhydd.com

I’r Gad Sir Gâr

Penderfynwyd y bydd maes Eisteddfod yr Urdd 2007 yng Nghaerfyrddin

Gan Kathryn Harries Gohebydd Taf-Od CAERFYRDDIN FYDD yn cynnal Eisteddfod Genedlaethol Urdd Gobaith Cymru yn 2007.

Cynhelir Eisteddfod yr Urdd yn Nantyci, Caerfyrddin, ar faes sioe Amaethyddol y Siroedd Unedig.

Daw’r penderfyniad i leoli’r ?yl ar y safle hwn ar ôl cyfarfod pwyllgor y mudiad ieuenctid ddydd Mercher diwethaf.

Ystyriwyd llawer o safleoedd gwahanol dros Sir Gâr ar gyfer yr ?yl ond, yn y diwedd, roedd y frwydr derfynol rhwng Llanelli, Llanymddyfri a Chaerfyrddin.

‘Fe drafodwyd sawl safle o fewn Sir Gâr yn ofalus iawn,’ meddai Siân Eirian, Cyfarwyddwr yr Eisteddfod a’r Celfyddydau.

Ond ar ôl ystyried pob agwedd yn ofalus, penderfynwyd mai safle Caerfyrddin yw’r gorau ar gyfer cynnal yr Eisteddfod. ‘Mae’n faes eang a braf,’ meddai. ‘Rydym yn gwbl ffyd-

diog mai dyma’r safle mwyaf addas.’

Credir bod safle Nantyci yn fwy canolog i’r sir ac, o ganlyniad, yn lle hawdd i’w gyrraedd ar gyfer ymwelwyr yr ?yl, sy’n codi i 100,000 bob blwyddyn.

Yn ôl Siân Eirian, mae’r cyfleusterau angenrheidiol sy’n cynnwys meysydd parcio, ffyrdd wyneb caled a chyflenwadau trydan a d?r, o fewn cyrraedd yn Nantyci.

‘Mae’r safle yma yn hynod o gyfleus gyda mynediad hwylus dros ben.’

Caerfyrddin a Llanelli oedd y ddau leoliad pennaf yn y frwydr i gynnal Eisteddfod yr Urdd yn 2007.

Dadleuodd Llanelli y dylai hi gynnal yr ?yl oherwydd bod gan yr ardal Barc Arfordirol y Mileniwm.

Daw lleoliad yr Eisteddfod yng Nghaerfyrddin yn siom i drigolion Llanelli.

‘Mae’n naturiol ein bod ni’n dipyn bach yn siomedig,’ meddai Meilyr Bowen-Hughes, Cynghorydd Gwledig Llanelli. ‘Yn sicr, o safbwynt econo-

maidd, colled i’r dref yw penderfyniad yr Urdd, ond mae’n rhaid i ni yn ei dderbyn.’

Ond gan mai Llanelli oedd lleoliad yr Eisteddfod Genedlaethol 2000, dadleuwyd y dylai ardal arall gael cyfle i gynnal g?yl yr Eisteddfod. Ond, er gwaetha’r siom yn Llanelli, gwelir cefnogaeth ledled Gorllewin Cymru am gynnal yr Eisteddfod.

‘Mae’r brwdfrydedd i’w deimlo yn amlwg yn Sir Gâr’, meddai Siân Eirian, ‘ac ro’n ni yn hynod ddiolchgar i bobl yr ardal am eu gwaith caled a fydd gobeithio yn sicrhau llwyddiant i’r Brifwyl yn 2007.’

Mae’r paratoadau wedi dechrau’n barod yng Nghaerfyrddin wrth iddynt ddewis testunau’r cystadlaethau a chodi arian ar gyfer yr ?yl. Dywed Sulwyn Thomas, Cadeirydd Pwyllgor Cyhoeddusrwydd Eisteddfod Genedlaethol yr Urdd Sir Gâr 2007, fod y cynnwrf yn amlwg.

‘Ry’n ni’n edrych ymlaen yn fawr,’ meddai, ‘at groesawu Eisteddfod yr Urdd i Sir Gâr yn 2007.’

Science & Environment

December 5 2005

Page 17

science@gairrhydd.com

ICE ICE MAYBE

What’s up doc?

By Helen Thompson Environment correspondent

B

ICE: How the gair rhydd offices might look

By Ceri Morgan Science & Environment Editor

T

HE OCEAN current that helps to drive the warm waters of the Gulf Stream and keeps Britain mild in winter is stuttering, say scientists.

This raises fears that it might fail entirely, creating a mini-ice age in Europe.

Studies by a team from Southampton Oceanography Centre of ocean circulation in the North Atlantic reveal a 30% reduction in the warm currents which have carried water north since 1992.

The findings, which were published in a journal, coincide with computer predictions of what might happen if glaciers in Greenland begin to melt because of global warming.

The computer models point to extra freshwater being released into the North Atlantic, weakening ocean currents and even shutting down the Gulf Stream.

The North Atlantic is totally dominated by the Gulf Stream.

At around 40 degrees north - the latitude of New York- the current divides.

Some water heads southwards in a surface current, while the rest continues north, eventually raising temperatures in Europe by five to ten degrees.

Britain benefits from the enormous amounts of heat - equivalent to the output of a million power stations.

The weakening of these currents could eventually lead to a fall in aver-

The Gulf Stream might fail entirely, creating a mini ice age

age temperatures around Britain by about six degrees centigrade.

The last major current shutdown occurred 12,000 years ago, a reduced temperatures significantly.

Critics, however, say that the findings of the Southampton team leave a lot unexplained. They believe that the changes are so big that they should have cut oceanic heating off Europe by

about a fifth - enough to cool the British Isles by one degree centigrade.

“We haven’t seen it yet,” points out Richard Wood, chief oceanographer at the UK Met Office’s Hadley Centre for Climate Research.

Since 1957, oceanographers have measured the strength of these currents.

From the amount of water in the southward gyre and the flow southwards at depth, they calculate the quantity of warm water flowing north.

They use an array of instruments positioned all over the Atlantic.

The result is that many years of data can be compared and contrasted.

Though cold weather recently covered parts of the UK in snow, average European temperatures are rising, Wood says.

The Southampton team speculates that the warming may have been part of a global temperature increase brought about by man-made greenhouse gases.

The newly-identified decrease in the flow of warm water northwards may be counteracting that.

RITAIN'S RABBIT population is in danger of devastation, according to reports of a nationwide myxomatosis outbreak.

Owners are being advised to vaccinate their pets without delay to combat the disease that could be fatal to millions of the animals.

Outbreaks of the viral disease have been reported in both wild and domestic rabbits all over the country, in what is considered to be the worst epidemic of the virus in fifty years.

A rabbit that contracts the disease has less than ten percent chance of survival, meaning that the epidemic could destroy a large proportion of the current 37.5 million rabbits in Britain.

There is a vaccine for the disease, but after the initial vaccination, boosters costing up to £20 must be given as often as twice a year, making prevention very expensive.

Myxomatosis, which only affects rabbits, is transferred between them by carriers such as ticks, mites, lice and fleas.

Owners should look out for symptoms that include lumps around the head and genitals, acute eye infections or blindness, and loss of balance.

99% of Britain’s rabbits died in the myxomatosis outbreak in the early 1950’s

It’s not you, it’s me

By Paul Hunt

Science correspondent "HOW ON earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"

Albert Einstein is probably not the only person ever to believe that there isn’t a simple explanation for love; however there may be a more scientifically straightforward explanation than you think.

The culprit responsible for the uncontrollable feelings for that special person appears to simply be a chemical called Nerve Growth Factor (NGF), and it also seems that love is not meant to be forever, it only lasts about a year.

To qualify as ‘in love’ for Dr. Enzo Emanuele’s study at the University of Pavia, participants had to be in the first six months of a relationship, and must think about their partner for at least four hours a day.

The ‘in love’ couples were then compared with people not in a relationship and those who had been in a relationship for more than a year.

The results showed that those classified as ‘in love’ had twice the levels of NGF than those who were single, and also twice the level than those in relationships which were more than 12 months old.

NGF has until now, only been looked at in conjunction with possible cures to Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s diseases, where neural decay is the definite cause of the symptoms.

The chemical has indeed been proven to reduce this neural cell death in Alzheimer’s patients, and while its actual role in the feeling of love is unclear, researchers believe it could cause the psychological effect associated with love.

If you are to look at love as merely a biological survival mechanism, it’s hardly surprising to find that the chemical causing the feeling lasts only a

year.

This would be enough time for the mating pair to stay together through gestation before forming a new bond with the offspring in order to protect it.

As humans are a social species it would suggest that our ancestors may not have formed monogamous relationships within the social groups, but this social bonding aspect maybe the reason that is keeping couples together for longer now.

Dr Emanuele believes that NGF stimulates other proteins important in this second phase of bonding.

This new discovery should pave the way for producing the chemical as a ‘love booster’; it would be as easy to rekindle love as it would be to shoot fish in a barrel.

Maybe one day in the near future you will be able to re-discover that loving feeling after years of marriage, by simply administering the love chemical by injection into the arse or slipping a vial of liquid into coffee.

FIVER: In trouble

This leads on to fever and infections causing pneumonia and inflammation of the lumps.

It typically takes 13 days for the disease to kill its victim.

There are currently about 1.8 million rabbits kept domestically in Britain, and over 35 million in the wild.

The population has been increasing steadily since it was last destroyed by the disease in the early 1950s, when 99% of Britain's rabbits died of myxomatosis.

Myxomatosis was famously used in the 1950s to cull the rabbits that overran Australia.

Twelve European rabbits were introduced into Australia in 1859, and bred so successfully that they became a danger to native marsupials who could not compete with them.

The solution to the problem came from rabbits in Uruguay, where myxomatosis was first observed.

South American rabbits were immune from the effects of the virus, but it proved lethal to their European relatives. Within two years, 99.9% of all rabbits in Australia were dead.

The first European case of the virus came in 1952, by a retired physician who used the disease to rid his estate of a troublesome infestation of rabbits.

It arrived in Britain by the end of 1953, and since the first epidemic many smaller outbreaks have occurred regularly in the country, helping to counteract the wild rabbit's notorious breeding ability.

The Government does not monitor myxomatosis, and wild rabbits will have no defence against it, while it falls to pet owners to protect the domestic population from the fatal disease.

Free Stuff

December 5 2005

Page 19

competitions@gairrhydd.com

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Eat, drink and be merry THE DAYS are getting shorter, the nights are getting longer, and frankly there’s not much of the term left. Time to get yourself out and about with your loved ones and friends this Christmas, sampling the very best of what Cardiff has to offer.

Cue Henry Africa’s Hothouse, the latest swanky establishment to open its doors on St. Mary’s Street, the city’s best-known party strip.

Formerly the venue of the Toucan, Henry Africa’s Hothouse is the perfect place to start and end your night, toasting the last of this December’s days in Cardiff with good tipple, and enjoying scrummy, quality food.

Head to the stylish bar for pre-dinner beverages, then eat, drink and be merry amongst friendly service in the restaurant, before

heading to the late-night lounge for after-dinner cocktails and some serious socialising.

The delicious three-course Christmas menu at Henry Africa’s is absolutely stuffed with variety. From the traditional turkey dinner to modern Mediterranean dishes, to sizzling Southern Stateside favourites, there’s something for everyone at the exciting, and proudly plush new venue.

Celebrate Christmas at Henry Africa’s...

Henry Africa’s Hothouse is inviting you to celebrate with them this Christmas by entering the king of all competitions.

One lucky winner can win an entire evening of wining and dining at the venue, grabbing a table for two free of charge, courtesy of

Henry Africa’s.

In addition to a sumptuous three-course feast (from the Christmas menu, of course), the winner’s table will also be laden with a generous bottle of wine.

As if that isn’t enough, the winner and their friend will be greeted on arrival with a mouthwatering cocktail reception.

Sounds like fun? To enter this Christmas cracker of a competition, simply answer the following question: On which bustling party street in Cardiff did Henry Africa’s Hothouse recently open?

Enter in the usual way, by emailing: competitions@gairrhydd.com

That extra kick WELL YOU really do know it’s the party season when you’ve got glam party prizes coming out of your ear holes! But, fear not, my loves, as these glittering gifts could soon be yours.

Sidekick is the number one Vodka shots drink, if you didn’t know already, and the juiciest, smoothest dose of alcohol that money can buy.

The latest range is a sexy mix of fruity flavours and luscious cream, so very easy on the tongue. Choose from Choc Mint, Double Choc, Lemon Meringue and Honeycomb flavours, all in one pack to share with your mates.

Grab a Vodka Sidekick while out on the town to add that extra kick to your festive celebrations, or pick up a pack from Thresher’s (at the bottom of the Students’ Union) to kick-start your party mood!

Or, if you’d like to win a Vodka Sidekick party pack, containing an entire case of Sidekick (24 shots), a book of party games and all the party accessories to accompany an evening of fun, simply answer the following question: What is the Sidekick flavour a mixture of?

tickets!

Win a pair of l address Email, the usua

Send your entries to the usual address at the top of the page, and make sure they get there soon or you’ll be kicking yourselves!

Get sleek hair this Xmas...

WANT TO look good but love lying in? Got too many Christmas parties in your diary and no time to faff about getting ready?

With a set of Headgear Ceramic Straighteners from Morphy Richards you can get poker straight hair in minutes.

100% straight hair is tough to achieve with a blow dryer and brush. Most of us have tried to recreate the professional finish made to look so easy by our hairdresser but without straighteners it can take an age and if we’re honest it never looks as good!

The Headgear Ceramic Straightener has ceramic-coated plates to give the ultimate result plus it’s ready to use in just 60 seconds, so you don’t have to waste any of your precious party time.

Fashionably designed and packaged in bright pink, not only do these babies do the job, they’re pretty funky too.

And at just £34.99, they go to show that beauty doesn’t have to cost.

If you’re going to be tarting yourself up on a regular basis this

Christmas and would love to win a pair of Headgear Cermaic Straighteners, simply answer the following question: Who makes the Headgear hair care range?

I come bearing gifts... “‘TIS THE season to get trolleyed, fa la la la la la la la la…” Yes, Christmas is looming very near now peeps, and we all know what that means – lots of parties, lots of festive fun, and lots of alcohol.

So how very fitting that I’ve got this wondrous selection of Christmassy prizes to get you in the mood.

Not only do I have a hot pair of tickets for the biggest New Year’s Eve party in Cardiff, I’ve also got a very sexy Vodka Sidekick party pack up for grabs.

But, if you think warming your belly with a good hearty meal is more likely to get you in the spirits these cold winter nights, you can enter to win a scrumptious three-course dinner for two at Henry Africa’s Hothouse.

For stockist details call 0870 0602614 or check out www.morphyrichards.com

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Media & Politics

Page 20

Page 21

politicslovesmedia@gairrhydd.com

FROM PRESS TO PARTIES AND COVERAGE TO CANDIDATES This week Politics and Media join forces to look at all the issues that are affected by both. We address the issues of ownership, portrayal and international coverage

By Heather Casey Media Editor

M

edia and politics, a relationship like gair rhydd and its readers. The majority of time it delivers interesting relevant information, but occasionally so many in-jokes and personal references that you get lost.

Most obvious collusions between media and politics are party political broadcasts, political publications (From Private Eye to the Spectator) and a specific area of communications labelled as ‘spin’.

‘Cherry picking’ and ‘get out clauses’ mean constructing news has never been so easy Blurring the boundary between PR and politics, ‘spin’ has become the controversial tool of the decade, mostly associated with one man – Mr Alistair Campbell.

The former Labour Director of Communications and Strategy, is reported to have said: “The media are obsessed with portraying spin doctors as a bad thing, yet seem

addicted to our medicine.” Strategies such as ‘cherry picking’ and ‘get out clauses’ mean that constructing news has never been so easy.

The relationship between institution and press can be tricky, but most scrutiny from the press can be justified. Government press officers especially, anyone for the Jo Moore email on September 11 2001?

Tastefully commenting: “It’s now a very good day to get out anything we want to bury.”

Politics and Media will never be straightforward; this double page spread has combined writers to shed some light on the reasons gair rhydd think why. The following articles discuss the issues of media ownership, representation of political leaders in press and how politics is treated internationally.

CAMPBELL: Addicted to him?

Paper-thin allegiances A

By Andrew Mickel Political Editor

By Andrew Mickel & Lucie Apampa

A

newspaper’s allegiance is seen as a holy grail to political parties. To many it’s seen as a way to have a substantial chunk of the electorate delivered straight to your door come election day, and a guaranteed section of support on most issues for most of the time.

Of course, unless you’re the editor of the Morning Star, things aren’t quite so clear-cut. Newspapers are fickle things; one day you have half the print nation cheering on your education policies, the next they’ll be chastising you for snorting cocaine off a prostitute’s arse.

Besides, there’s nothing to guarantee that readers will pay any attention to what they read anyway.

To most, Rupert Murdoch embodies the capitalist, power-centric world that we inhabit; to many, he is the devil himself. But to some, like Tony Blair, he is a beacon of light – a man with the power to sway a nation’s political allegiance with the influence of his vast media empire, which, in Britain,

includes the Sun, the Times and BSKYB. The Sun, the UK’s highest selling paper, arguably defines, rather than reflects, the political tastes of its audience. And the man behind these definitive choices is none other than former Thatcher’s darling, Rupert Murdoch who, undoubtedly enticed by Blair’s courting of him, has supported Labour since 1997. For despite being notoriously right-wing, Murdoch enjoys the company of the powerful and has a knack for gaining their allegiance before that power is fully won.

But with Blair on his way out and Murdoch claiming political ‘neutrality’, it looks like the Tories might be in luck this time around.

Of course, what a newspaper baron says will not necessarily translate through into what its readers believe.

The Daily Express was, until the late nineties, a Conservative stronghold. But in the period it supported Labour from the late nineties until 2004, it is unlikely that many of its readers’ votes turned red. As a paper that caters for the middle-classes, the biggest concerns which are expressed every week in the paper’s

All Abroad the Politics train

By Nadia Bonjour, Andrew Rennison & Aline Ungewiss

I

n recent years, the relationship between media and politics has come under increasing scrutiny.

With controversies such as the Iraq dossier in Britain and the farcical US election of 2000, it is interesting to explore how the two sides coexist in other countries.

In Germany, attacks on politicians are often blamed on the media. The endless negative reporting of political figures invites people to openly show their discontent. In 1990, Wolfgang Schäuble was shot and paralysed during a speech by a man of political opposition. The German media explicitly voice their opinion of politics, criticising as well as praising.

However, invading a politician’s private sphere had always been a journalistic taboo in Germany. By an unspoken agreement, the media would not publish incriminating information about politi-

DER BILT: Politics German-style

cians, even if it were common knowledge amongst journalists.

In recent years, the relationship has changed. In the 2002 election campaign, where the Chancellor’s wife played an important role, attracting much media attention.

Politicians realise the media’s power, therefore there is a certain degree of cooperation in order to ensure positive propaganda. This relationship tends to weaken during election time, as the media are seen as key to determining who wins. Recently, some of Germany’s biggest newspapers have protested against the increased censorship by politicians in interviews, denouncing the trait of ‘control mania’. This reflects how politicians still have a certain power over the media and are able to protect themselves from negative publicity.

In Russia, citizens had until quite recently experienced strict media censorship coupled with substantial propaganda through television and the press.

The choice for newspaper readers has blossomed since the fall of communism, though journalistic independence is still in doubt. Newspaper ownership was dominated by the ‘oligarchs’, who controlled numerous titles. However, their influence is now fading, allowing the state to exert greater control.

In the last decade, the Kremlin has also acquired more power over Russian TV networks, as well as the safety and independence of journalists themselves, critics claim that this increase in government influence has suppressed independent broadcasting. By taking to court two of Russia’s biggest tycoons, Boris Berezovsky and Vladimir Gusinsky, the Kremlin forcibly attained control of NTV in 2001, and then ordered the closure of TV-6 a year later. The channel TVS replaced TV-6, and continued as Russia’s only private national network until it too was shutdown in 2003.

The small country of Switzerland makes for an interesting case study.

With seven million inhabitants, Switzerland counts four national languages: German, French, Italian and Romansch. This linguistic multiplicity makes it difficult for the media to access the whole population in one given language. Principle television broadcasting in Switzerland is produced by the Swiss Broadcasting Corporation (SRG-SSR), which accounts for seven channels; three in German, two French and two Italian. There are no other terrestrial commercial companies and therefore SRG-SSR’s main competition comes

from cable and satellite programming.

Newspapers are owned by multimedia companies forcing small-scale publications either out of the market or into being bought out. There are four national daily newspapers however, these are all in German and therefore only really accessible to German-speakers.

Many countries have changed their MediaPolitics bond,often for the worse The Swiss print media tends to remain fairly ‘neutral’, a term often associated with Switzerland, and news is typically reported objectively without any overt attitudes or allegiances. Media does not always have and exert the same power over the general public. The Swiss media does have a degree of social influence, but nothing quite comparable to Britain and the US. The media’s chosen opinions are generally selected independently based on importance and interest, rather than being governed by politics.

It appears difficult to find examples such as Switzerland where the word ‘neutrality’ can be used regarding either side. What is clear is that many countries have experienced changes to the media-political bond in the last decade, often for the worse.

contents and readers’ interests are Conservative strongholds of house prices and - in the short term, at least – immigration. The owner Richard Desmond’s claim in 2003, when the paper still supported Labour, that “I have always been a socialist” would have convinced few.

As a renowned opportunist, his extraordinary performance at a meeting with Daily Telegraph management in the same week that the Express turned Tory – where he started goose stepping and singing the German national anthem in front of the German team – rings far truer for a paper that only last week carried stor i e s about h o w t h e PRINT DADDIES: Rupert Murdoch and Richard Desmond

‘Diana fund pays out to gypsies and asylum seekers’.

Still, considering the paper’s management itself seems to now admit that the fast-dwindling readership that stays with it is for the covermounted CDs and DVDs,

PERSONALITIES IN POLITICS

By Claire King & Josie Bunting

T

he media adores scandal. It snaps it up like a pack of sharks would polish off an over-zealous holiday-maker who foolishly drifted out to sea on a plastic lilo. So when politicians behave badly, it is sun-dried man, marinated in sea for the scandalloving media.

So when the Clinton – Lewinsky affair occurred, journalists began to salivate. So much attention was given to the affair, that a CNN poll on media coverage showed that 72 percent of Americans believed that there had been ‘too much’ coverage of the scandal. While newspapers were filled with the ins-and-outs of evidence and the trial, congress happily continued with its day-to-day business of lawmaking pretty much unnoticed.

During an election the media can be the only way we find out about politicians. And that’s why the way they are treated by the media is so important. As we only hear about politicians through the media, it can have a major influence on our voting.

In this year’s general election the Sun told the world that the “Sun smoke goes red for Blair”. The biggest selling newspaper in the UK supports the Prime Minister, so does its coverage.

However, their treatment of other leading politicians is not so kind; Charles Kennedy is ‘bungling’ and ‘unprincipled and unworthy of your vote’, while the paper warns of ‘loony’ Lib Dem policies.

The Communication Research Centre at Loughborough University studied coverage of the last general election. They found it was a more ‘presidentialised’ campaign, where the focus is on individual politicians and not the party. This means politicians need the right image to appeal to voters.

Focus on individuals, however, means greater examination of female politicians. Margaret Thatcher’s ‘iron lady’ image meant she was a masculine character. For female politicians, their gender is always on display, and their age and appearance always commented on, a prime example is Minister of education, Ruth Kelly.

Women are scrutinised by the media because by taking up a position of authority, they are seen as stepping outside the boundaries of ‘normal’ female behaviour.

This treatment by the media works both ways, as men must also behave in a gender specific fashion. Bill Clinton did not play any sport and dodged the draft, so found feminine pictures of him were printed.

CLINTON : Not an alpha male

Professor Judy Polumbaum, of the University of Iowa, notes the ‘pressure cooker’ in which journalists can become trapped: “After all people read what you give them.”

Journalists should exercise caution in the shameless exhibition of personal political opinion.

Journalists are expected to both set the agenda and adhere it, which certainly makes for some rather cyclical morning reading. Currently David Blunkett is particularly news-worthy.

After his affair last year with the married Kimberly Quinn, his attempts to fast-track a visa for her nanny and this year’s revelation: he has had to resign from government a second time, as he held on shares in DNA Biosciences when he returned to government, but failed first to get approval from a committee for his outside interest.

In spite of the obvious hurdles Blunkett has had to overcome to achieve a rise to power, the media has had no hesitation in devouring him in two bite-size morsels. Evidently the media has enormous influence on our political opinions and understanding.

Journalists should exercise caution in the shameless exhibition of personal political opinion. With that in mind my final point is – down with Bush!

Down with Bush!

their support means little to anyone anymore anyway.

Some say that the ‘Murdoch style’ of newspaper ownership is on its way out, and instead the Barclay brothers’ style is on the way in.

The Barclay brothers bought the Telegraph Group from notorious press baron Conrad Black last year, and despite no drastic changes to its main content, have been commended for running approaches that differ greatly to those of the interfering Black.

Now facing charges of criminal fraud, Black was renowned for his traditionalist approach at ownership – an approach that saw him unashamedly use his paper as a political instrument to support those (the Tories) he wanted to see in power. The Barclay brothers, on the other hand, live abroad and have left the running of the Telegraph Group in the hands of chief executive Murdoch MacLennan. Still, even without having the owners interfering in day-to-day editorial content, they are instead shuffling around who makes the paper – and therefore who defines the paper’s editorial line.

Ultimately, newspapers can only have a limited effect on what people decide to think. Political parties can still court them to try and harden their support – but ultimately their importance is dwindling. In time, their impact on political decision-making may do so too.

ndrew Marr does it, Jonathan Dimbleby does it.

Even educated Andrew Neil does it. There’s certainly plenty of political coverage to pick up from across the media, but there’s one glaringly obvious problem with it (and hands down at the back, it’s NOT that it’s dull). Everything is devastatingly Westminstercentric.

From the sketch writers in newspapers to the intense over-scrutiny of the Westminster village on television, noone else gets a look-in. Arguably, television producers have started to notice there’s something going wrong, but their solution has consistently been to try and get the word from the ‘people on the street’ rather than listen to the other crucial institutions that matter.

Try watching a news report – especially an ITV ‘News’ shoestring special – and see how many times they’ll rely on vox pops, or give out text and phone numbers as a vain attempt to make a connection with the viewer.

After all, having a producer and an email inbox is far more cost effective

TELEVISION: Go West(minster)

than worrying about having coherent journalistic structures at a local level.

So what is being left out by never leaving the Westminster bubble?

Regional politics are ignored, but as Welsh politics is going to be relevant to only the tiniest sliver of the readership of, say, the Guardian, it might as well stay an issue for the regional press.

Thanks to the intense overscrutiny of the Westminster village, no-one else gets a look in More importantly there is the stunning ignorance on behalf of most of the populace on any issues European.

Although Brussels admittedly seems to take every step possible to ostracise itself from the real world, the media doesn’t give anywhere near enough time to the issues considering their massive importance.

The BBC has recently decided to increase its European coverage and has put the heavyweight name of Mark Mardell behind the project, instead of the normal no-name wonks it sends off to Belgium. Still, that’s a luxury that the Corporation has afforded to it thanks to its size; any other news organisation has to watch its money much more carefully.

For the meantime it looks like the cheaper option of having a Westminster correspondent reporting the slightest political gossip as news, instead of a recognition of the growing complexity of politics, is going to win out every time.

Problem Page

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December 5 2005

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: chickens, criticisms, cheating and crockery.

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners!

This week, I have been mostly thinking about songs that mention wanking. Why? I just wanted to set the mood. So far I have: Turning Japanese, (I’ve Got) Five On It and I Touch Myself. Can you think of any others? Is there anything in particular you like to manipulate your unmentionables to? Do let me know - I’m as prurient as ever! And also very bored. Why are none of you writing to me? I mean, yes, I have a very busy sex-life, but when I’m not receiving oral pleasure I do have a few moments to answer your calls. Email: problempage@gairrhydd.com. I really hope to hear from you soon.

Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx

Wank Tissue!

Dear Amber, I EXPECT THAT this is a rather old and well-worn problem, but it's doing my head in all the same.

I am not the most scrupulous of people. Like, sometimes I'll wear twoday old socks, and yes, there have been days where I haven't had time to have a shower. But I do have some

standards, like I'm aware that raw chicken juice may lead to salmonella, that you should wear a condom, and that having mice in your kitchen isn't really raising the hygiene standard.

My flatmates are an absolute disgrace. They never do the washing up.

If there's no crockery clean they'll use the plate they used the meal before.

When they cook meat, it's always underdone and dripping everywhere.

Surely this isn't healthy? They also leave (and I'm sorry for offence) 'wank tissue' in the living room, bathroom, in

Pluck Off! Dear Amber, I'VE FINALLY PLUCKED up the courage to write to you as I have been having this problem for a long time and have never managed to solve it myself.

Bascially, I have a phobia of chickens. It is a very bad phobia, and no one seems to understand it. It spans to feathers as well - I'm really scared of them - so if I stay at anyone's house and they're posh enough to have a feather duvet or pillows I have to pretend I'm allergic.

That's not really the main problem though. The thing is, I can't eat chicken, I can't look at them or hear them, and even thinking about them sometimes brings on a panic attack. I know that living in Cardiff I am unlikely to encounter a live chicken, but my housemates often enjoy eating the fowl beast, and the smell and even the look of it make me vomit.

Also, my boyfriend likes chicken and often buys and eats it. That means that I can't kiss him when he's been munching on the flappy fiend, and sometimes when I give him a blow job I can taste chicken on his cock - don't ask me how, I think I've developed a super-sense for it. I've tried to ban my boyfriend from eating it but he thinks that I'm talking gobble-de-gook and refuses. It's getting so bad now that I don't want to be around my friends or my boyfriend, and sometimes when I'm out, in the Taf for example, I can smell it in the air from everyone's dinners.

Please help, Amber. I think I'm going cuckoo.

Love from Robin, Cathays.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Robin, Oh, poor you. I don’t really like chickens either. They smell and they peck. They do, however, make a nice stock, so you can make soup, which is always useful if you’re trying to give your other half enough strength to roger you all night.

However, I find that if I’m scared of something (triple anal penetration, for example - come on, you’d be a bit anxious too), it’s best to just think about cakes and flying saucers and you’ll be OK. I hope that this advice helps you.

Lots of love, Amber xxx

fact, everywhere and anywhere they can whack one out.

They never take the bins out - I mean, not even outside - so as a result they fester in the kitchen for weeks unless I take them out. They piss all over the floor and there is often vomit on the kitchen and bathroom tiles when they've come back from a night out.

The main problem is that they seem to think I'm their mother just because I have some standards. I don't want to have to clean up after them. I got a

really bad stomach virus last month from their mess and now I’m paranoid.

I am really worried about picking up their wank tissues and putting them in the bin. I mean, I'm pretty sure I couldn't catch anything from dead cum but you never know, do you?

I'm at the end of my tether because I have a new girlfriend but don't want to bring her round, mostly because of the mess, but also because my housemates have warned me that if I do they'll listen to us having sex and wank about it. I'm pretty sure they've

made a peep-hole into my room too.

What shall I do? I feel like making a clean sweep and killing them all.

Please help me, Dom Estos, Roath.

Lost in Transmission!

may change your opinion of them, I get that they may have to stay there forever while the island itself works out what to do with them. I get it!

What I don't get is people's adoration of the shite. Most of the acting is bad, the dialogue is, at best, limited, and the plotlines vary from the fairly sound to the completely crap. And the fact that they're trying to shit out far more series of this than it deserves, means each storyline is stretched to the maximum making it both predictable and boring. Like, does anyone care what happened to Claire?

After she'd been missing for one episode they stopped looking for her.

And why this focus on that shitty doctor and the one-line blond haired gimp? And that twat of a girl who everyone fancies even though she's a complete cunt who can't even deliver

her line?

Jesus, can you see why I think I'm going insane? Why can I see this when no one else can? Am I alone in my hatred?

Please Amber, please explain why all my mates love it and why a dark silence falls across the room when I dare to criticise! It's got to the point now where some of mates aren't even talking to me.

In desperation, Claude, Newfoundland Road.

them Alfie and Maud. (Sorry, too much Easties and Simpsons today). So anyway, when Ellie started getting weird, not just stealing my dirty pants but also putting sleeping tablets in my dinner so I'd be too tired for sex, I turned to Maud for solace.

Unfortunately, we got rather close and ended up getting a bit saucy one night.

We then decided to become a couple.

However, she hadn't told Alfie, and so when I said she had to tell him the truth about us she got cold feet and went back to him, despite the fact that she said I had a bigger cock than him.

Anyway, my problem isn't so much that I've slept with both of my female housemates and now they hate me, as does Alfie who found out the truth in the end, but my main concern is that I have a new girlfriend who is completely great and does anal but gets very paranoid when she comes to see

me as both Maud and Ellie are mean to her. Any ideas?

Dear Amber, I FEEL LIKE I'M going mad. I feel like I'm missing out on something.

It's driving me to distraction and I don't know what to do. To put it simply, I think my brain must be deficit of something. I don't understand why everyone keeps raving on about Lost (you know, that clever-clever programme that people are addicted to, apparently).

I just don't get it. Sure, I understand the premise - they've all 'lost' something. Are they dead? Is it some kind of purgatory. Yes yes I can fucking see it! I get that they have flashbacks that

Ellie of a girl!

Dear Amber, PLEASE HELP ME! I have dropped myself right in the shit from a great height. I'll try and be as brief as possible, but this is a complicated one.

CLUCK: Me

Basically, I had a girlfriend last year, called Ellie. I thought she was a 'great catch' - it turns out she was a complete loon, but I only found that out much later, when I caught her sleeping with my dirty underpants under her pillow, skidmark to mouth. I was not touched.

Anyway, because I thought she was great at the time, I decided to move into a house with her and another couple who were our mates - let's call

AMBER SAYS: Dear Dom, It seems to me that you have wonderfully enterprising housemates. A peep hole?! Why don’t I have one?

Love, Amber xxx

AMBER SAYS: Dear Claude, I don’t like it either. No sex scenes.

I hope this helps.

Love from, Amber xxx

Love, Cas Anova, Roath.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Cas, Well, I can see that you’ve got yourself in a bit of a pickle. However, it’s happened to us all at one time or another. I mean, once I was living in a shared house of six, and I’d slept with them all at the same time! They didn’t realise that they were doing each other though, as I had them wear blindfolds. One of them now takes Valium but apart from that it all worked out in the end. Hope this helps, Lots of love, Amber xxx

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

Award-Winning Television

December 5 - 11 2005

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Yesthatis@adollofdavidcaruso.com

This Weeks Taggarts among the Hetty Wainthropps: December 5th-11th

CSI-Carumba!

Miami Nice: These are the Letters of the Law

HOT

Knitwear It’s that most wonderful time of the year. Time for wooly jumpers that you can’t wear at any other time of year without ridicule, knitted hats (thanks to TV Gareth’s relatives) and if anyone has a knitted scarf, donate one TV John’s way.

Pretty please?

Soaps So hand’s up who thought Eastenders was dragging a bit lately? Well, you couldn’t be frankfurter from the truth. Because, to be Frank, a certain character is back to chop and slice some prime cuts of acting in the joint. First up it’s Janine’s court case which gets hacked up on the slab, by the butch man himself, and if you Reid between the lines here, you Mike be onto a good idea of who’s returning to meat up with his estranged daughter at her slaughter case, and gives his missus a Pat on the back and all. Throw in a Ross Kemp of garlic into the Butcher’s succulent cuts, and you’ve got a recipie for raw, yet tenderised cuts of offally good television. It’s cure to be a case of “Franks for the memories”, so let’s get Reid-y to rumble.

T

ake heed my friends; in five years time local councils across the globe will be setting up hotlines, employing counsellors and starting CSI Anonymous meetings. Imagine: “I only caught the last five minutes of one episode of CSI:NY three years ago, but now I’m finding myself spending 40 pounds every three months on a box set!” or “I didn’t watch an episode for three weeks, but then I saw a picture of Horatio Caine on the side of a bus, and watched a sneaky episode of Miami behind my husbands back, and he found the DVD in the cistern of the downstairs toilet”. Seriously, the Crime Scene Investigation franchise is taking over your screens, and before long, taking over your LIVES. IT is, of course, utter genius. Each self-contained episode follows the same basic premise: A body is found in some ludicrously implausable situation, which is analysed in brutally intense (and humourously graphic manner) in approximately five minutes, including the contents of the victims farts when he sat on a no. 34 bus in New Brunswick, and what the killers favourite radio jingle is. Several hundred unlikely twists later, (and if it’s an episode of CSI:Miami then a five minute interlude of aforementioned Horatio Caine overacting himself in various life-threatening scenarios) then the killer is discovered, who invariably has a pointless grudge against either the

Fudge Tunnel XX

bomb squad, the postal service or barry from the corner shop, and so has decided to become a serial killer to sort it all out. The episode concludes of a showdown of superfluous levels of tension and we find

out that the killer used a combination of PVA glue, nails and a radio controlled toy giraffe to dust off their victims.

So far so good, but the genius of CSI is not just it’s high-concept new levels of plot development daftness, but the high-definition gloss and 5.1 surround-sound GODDAMN-factor

that every production aspect garots you in the face with at every opportunity. From the sweeping cityscapes and car-stereo-in-Brixton hammering of classic Who tracks (the guy contrasting dead bodies with Pete Townshent wailing voices give this guy a medal), to the cheese-breathed dialogue which not one human being on this planet could possibly utter with a straight face. Blockbusting TV perfection.

Although with Jerry “Con Fucking Air”, uber producer of bombastic nonsense like Pearl Harbour at the helm, you’d expect nothing less.

CSI Miami (Tuesday, five 9pm), by far my personal favourite spin off of the series (the original series is set in Las Vegas, and new baby brother CSI:NY (Tuesday, five, 10pm) is of course, set in the Big Apple). Sample dialogue : upon finding that a victim might have been watching television when he was tied up with a bomb strapped to his neck which then exploded: “He liked to watch television”, “Huh, he’d probably have been watching Letterman when the killer struck”.

Pause for two seconds. “Top ten ways to get your head blown off, ha!”. The explosion also killed one of their colleagues, but hey, let’s not let that stand in the way of a witty one-liner. In the same episode, another woman with a bomb strapped to her neck sings Everything is Alright (Uptight) by Stevie Wonder whilst a detective defuses the explosive. Need I say more?

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Crash Bang Wallop What a Video We’ve reached the end of the year, so all the Christmas blockbusters like Star Wars Episode 3, War of the Worlds, Madagascar, Mr and Mrs Smith etc are all tearing up the DVD charts, so are there any latecomers worth noting?

Well yes and no. Firmly in the “no” category is Fantastic Four (out 02/12). Not to be confused with the Magnificent Seven, or in fact, any other piece of celluloid worth it’s weight in shit. Bascially another collaboration between Marvel Comics and Fox Entertainment, the worst double act since Fifty Cent and Pope Benedict XVI’s ventriloquism showdown, but this seriously bad big screen adaptation should be popular among the socially retarded who get off on the idea that an invisible Jessica Alba might crawl into

their bed at night. The good film due out is Crash (out 05/12) which is an ensemble piece a la Magnolia and Short Cuts, and mysteriously stars both Sandra Bulloch and Ludacris. It explores racism and tension in LA whilst simultaneously being quite good. Who’d have thunk it?

NOT

The Grip on My Shoes They are Momentum shoes (“hip, underground skater-sounding shoes” - fashion-concious TV Grace) which look nice, by the way, but as I discovered on the stairs at work today, have about as much grip on surfaces as George Best does on life.

Film It still has inexplicably never been given a DVD release so make the most of Poltergeist (Friday, five 11pm) There’s also Varsity Blues (Tuesday, ITV1, 12midnight) starring James Van Der Beek, the “blues” in question being whether to be incredibly amazing at sport, or mega-good looking. A plight I know well.

Sport Chelsea fans may want to catch Champions League Live (Tuesday, IT1 7.30pm) in case they win.

Liverpool fans, and the rest of the population may also want to tune in for the likely chance the fuckfaced money-laundering scumbuggers might get the blue murder treatment from the current European CHAMPIONS. I’m not a Liverpool fan.

Radio The Class of 2005 (Radio 2, Wednesday, 10pm) is the driving rock community’s attempt to sum up the year by boring us to tears by going on about “people’s favourite” (aka nobody’s favourite) James Blunt. Criticism here would be like shooting a dead fish with a bazooka in a barrel that wasn’t much bigger than the fish itself.

But fear not, because Paul “Italian? American? or just plain dull?” Gambaccini also has a chat with Antony Hegarty, of Antony and the Johnsons fame, who is competely brilliant and worthy of all your time, though you can’t help but wonder if people would love him so much and shower him with praise if his voice sounded like Russel Brand. Hmmm?

Monday

Page 24

December 5 - 11 2005

doihavedandruff@noitsjustproductbuildup.com

BBC1 4.05pm

ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

presents. Strangely enough, he was born in an inn on 25th December. His name isn't Jesus though. For various reasons, my family thought it necessary to celebrate Christmas last weekend. I must say I wasn't delighted at the prospect of traipsing all the way to Derbyshire just to pull a cracker, have a fist-fight with my sister, drink too much mulled wine and fall asleep on the sofa. To everyone's surprise (most of all my own), no crockery was smashed, we all got along swimmingly and here I am back in Cardiff to tell the tale.

Super!

19.00 Coast 20.00 The World 20.30 Advent 2005 20.35 African School 21.05 Vietnam: Sir, No Sir! The GI Revolt 21.55 Arena 22.30 Film: "Good Morning, Vietnam" 24.25 Don't Watch That Watch This!

24.55 African School 01.25 Living Positive: the Meeting 02.25 This Sceptic Isle

6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Mum, Dad, Accept My Older Lover, I Want His Baby! 10:30 This Morning 12:00 This Morning - I'm a Celebrity Special 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Great Welsh Cafes Featuring Raymons, Sailsbury Road.3:30 Pocoyo Who's on the Phone? 3:35 Tractor Tom Two Harvesters 3:50 Art Attack Mini Makes 4:00 Feel the Fear Steve v Sharks 4:30 You Say We Play: My Parents Are Aliens 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30 Coronation Street 9:00 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!

10:30 ITV News 11:00 Going to Seed 11:30 The Guest List 0:00 It's My Shout 0:30 Champions League Weekly 0:55 The Jeremy Kyle Show Who Got You Pregnant - The Lodger or the Lover? Results 1:50 60 Minute Makeover 2:45 Love 2 Shop 3:10 Redcoats 3:35 Entertainment Now! 4:05 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4:30 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News What did I get up to at the weekend then? I know how you love to hear my tales. Sooo... I taught my threeyear old nephew how to play the recorder, watched The 40-yearold Virgin (best quote: “Well I know you're gay 'cos you like Coldplay.”), drank too much mulled wine, straightened my sister's boyfriend's hair, learnt how to play Jolene on the guitar (I've forgotten already), watched Peep Show (my mum wasn't

five 8.00am

6:10 The Hoobs: Hoobyclues 6:35 The Hoobs: Ouch 7:00 B4 7:25 Friends: The One With Chandler In A Box 7:55 Just Shoot Me: Finch Gets Dick 8:25 Will & Grace: Willi, Tell 8:50 Will & Grace: Where There's A Will, There's No Way 9:15 Miss Match: Pilot 10:10 Miss Match: Who's Your Daddy? 11:05 Er: Call Me Ruby 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Ed: Therapy 1:25 Cheers: The Little Match Girl 1:55 Carry On Sergeant B/W 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: The Pta Disbands 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: Goodbye Africa 8:00 The Turner Prize 2005 9:00 Married To The Prime Minister 10:00 Without A Trace: Lone Star 11:00 Hollyoaks: No Going Back 11:30 Nathan Barley 12:05 Boat Trip 1:45 The Truth About Female Desire: Sex Drive 2:45 The Sperminator 3:45 Unreported World: Gaza: The Bullet And The Ballot Box 4:10 World Cup Skiing 6:05 Close And now it’s time for some lessons I've learnt from university. 1) Never drink 20/20.

Ever. Unless you like getting so ridiculously drunk that you forget where you live, and, quite possibly, your own name. 2) Worse still, never drink 20/20 on an empty stomach, unless you enjoy the taste of your own bile.

3) Shopping on an empty stomach is also a no-no. Things seem much more appetising when you've only had one cornflake in the last 24 hours. It's only after a big meal that you realise that you've actually...

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STUDENT SAVER

19.00 Three Investigates: Tagging Criminals 19.30 Honey We're Killing the Kids Revisited 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Trauma Uncut 21.30 Trauma Uncut 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days As ever, not much comedy tonight. I have an excuse though -my beloved cat Pringle died this week. Her favourite pastimes included eating marmite and elastic bands, mauling children and rolling around in soil. Sob. 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Trauma Uncut 02.25 Trauma Uncut Possibly the most traumatic TV page I’ve ever written, so cut me some slack folks.

02.55 Who Rules the Roost?

03.55 Close

6:00 Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Arthur 7:35 The Mysti Show 7:55 Newsround 8:00 SMart 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Barnaby Bear 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 The Future is Wild 10:30 Primary Geography: Using the Land 10:40 Around Scotland 11:00 What? Where?

When? Why? Talking Rubbish 11:15 Words and Pictures 11:30 Words and Pictures 11:45 Watch Weather - Rain Welcome or not? 12:00 The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 The Maths Channel - Year 6 1:10 The Maths Channel - Year 6 1:20 The Maths Channel - Year 6 1:30 FILM: The Locket 2:55 Hands on Nature 3:25 The Chancellor's Pre-Budget Report 5:00 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Dickens in America 8:00 Dubai Dreams 8:30 University Challenge 9:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9:30 Broken News 10:00 Have I Got News for You 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 In Search of Shakespeare 12:20am: Joins BBC News 241:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Real Chinese 3:30 China Close Up Hey-ho, TV Grace here. There's only twenty days 'til Christmas, but I'm sure you didn't want to be reminded of such things. I'm not a scrooge but Christmas seems to have become one big stressful shop-a-thon and I just can't be arsed anymore.The only person in my family who actually enjoys Christmas is my dad because he gets two sets of

ITV1 1.30pm

The Sperminator

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Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Bargain Hunt 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30pm: Sudo-Q 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Janae's determined to uncover some dark family history. Paul and Izzy embark on a new chapter Steph and Max are overjoyed at their growing baby's good health Connor finds his loyalties tested, but what’s the point in watching it after I told you what’s going to happen for the next few months? I feel a bit guilty now, but not enough to stop me from revealing that Dylan and Stingray are going to end up in prison VERY soon.

2:05 Doctors 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Mona the Vampire 4:05 Pinky and the Brain Yesss! A trip down memory lane. No doubt William Hague will be avidly watching to see what his doppelganger, The Brain, is getting up to. 4:30 SMart 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Holiday 2006 7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Tsunami: Seven Hours on Boxing Day 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 They Think It's All Over 11:05 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 11:35 FILM: Small Faces 1:25am: Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2:15 Sign Zone: The Queen's Cavalry 2:45 Sign Zone: Coast 3:45 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business 4:15 Joins BBC News 24

Des and Mel

impressed), ate lots of biscuits (you can tell) and then sat in the pub listening to Wu Tang Clan whilst someone spilt a whole pint down my jumper. I had a bath too. It was great.

6 :00 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Live 7 :00 GMTV2 8 :35 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Live 10 :25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11 :10 Judge Judy 12 :25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1 :30 Coronation Street 2 :00 Emmerdale 2 :30 Emmerdale 3 :00 The Ricki Lake Show 3 :50 Trisha 4 :55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5 :45 Movies Now 6 :00 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!

Jungle Drums 7 :00 3rd Rock from the Sun: The House That Dick Built 7 :30 Spin City Science Friction 8 :00 Airline 8 :30 Airline 9 :00 Real Crime: Murder in Mind 10 :00 Planet's Funniest Animals 10 :30 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Now! 11 :30 Coronation Street 0 :00 Coronation Street 0 :30 The Ricki Lake Show 1 :15 3rd Rock from the Sun: The House That Dick Built 1 :40 Spin City Science Friction 2 :00

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 On This Day 1:00 Hijacked By... 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Spirit 3:00 Young, Sexy And...Rich Starring TV Grace... well at least I’m young. 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Thumb 5:30 Friends: The One With George Stephanopoulos 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Spirit 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With The Thumb 8:30 Friends: The One With George Stephanopoulos 9:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00 Flatliners &Nbsp 12:10 Peep Show 12:40 Porn: A Fily Business: Spunk'd 1:15 Porn: A Fily Business: The Breast Is Yet To Come 1:50 Hollyoaks Let Loose 2:55 Peep Show 3:25 Porn: A Fily Business: Spunk'd 3:55 Porn: A Fily Business: The Breast Is Yet To Come 4:20 Young, Sexy And...Rich 5:05 Switched 5:25 Switched

06:00 Oswald 06:10 Oswald 06:25 The Save-Ums! 06:35 The Save-Ums! 06:50 Hi-5 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:20 Peppa Pig 08:30 Roobarb and Custard Too 08:40 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08:50 Ebb and Flo 09:00 Sailor Sid 09:05 Franny's Feet 09:15 MechaNick 09:25 The Wright Stuff 10:30 Trisha Goddard 11:30 five news 12:00 Home and Away 12:30 BrainTeaser 13:30 Film: "A Case for Murder" 15:30 Film: "Columbo: Agenda for Murder" In the space of two hours we have had both a case AND an agenda for murder.

Luckily at TV desk we also have a victim lined up too. You know who you are, phantom letterwriter. 17:30 five news 18:00 Home and Away 18:30 Family Affairs 19:00 five news 19:15 The Gadget Show 20:00 Fifth Gear 21:00 Murder Prevention 23:00 The Body Farm 24:00 Dark Angel 01:35 NFL Live Monday Night American Football 05:35 Motorsport Mundial ...picked up more or less everything in the entire supermarket and that's why the bill was so humungous and your cupboards are full of really useful winter staples like radishes and harissa paste. 4) Why bother to work when you have a perfectly good loan to spend on frivolous items?

Money DOES grow on trees.

That's why the logo of the Student Loan Company is a tree.

5) And finally... the most important lesson of all: Don’t go to university. It’s a big fucking waste of time. I should have gone to work at Alton Towers.

PRIME-

Pinky And The Brain

BBC1 3.25pm

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07:00 Planed Plant Bach 07:00 Meees 07:15 Bws Parti 07:30 Traed Moch 08:00 Planed Plant 08:00 Ceidwad Y Ddraig 08:25 Waaa! 08:35 Cnafon Coed 09:00 Hollyoaks 09:30 Hollyoaks 10:00 Hollyoaks 10:30 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Film: A Christmas Carol (2000) If it’s christmas film that doesn’t feature Dudley Moore, Bill Murray or the Muppets, then I’m just not interested.13:00 Channel 4 Racing15:05 The Simpsons 15:30 The Simpsons 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Dennis A Dannedd 16:25 Ofn! 17:00 Ceidwad Y Ddraig 17:20 Anifail Am Wythnos 17:35 Uned 5: Mari Yn Melbourne 18:15 Rownd A Rownd 18:45 Newyddion 19:00 Noson Lawen 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cefn Gwlad 21:30 Talcen Caled 22:25 The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year 2005 00:30 Avid Merrion's Xxxmas Special 01:15 Tsunami: Where Was God? 03:05 Film: Crimson Rivers (2000) I’m far too mature to make any comment about the title of this film.

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Titch 06:10 Old Bear Stories 06:20 Rolie Polie Olie 06:50 Hi5 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way For Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:20 Peppa Pig 08:30 Roobarb and Custard Too 08:40 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08:50 Bird Bath 09:00 Softies 09:05 Franny's Feet 09:15 MechaNick 09:25 The Wright Stuff 10:30 Trisha Goddard 11:30 five news 12:00 Home and Away 12:30 BrainTeaser 13:30 Film: "Two Mothers for Zachary" 15:30 Film: "Flight of Fancy" 17:30 five news 18:00 Home and Away 18:30 Family Affairs 19:00 five news of light blue neck beads, HANG ABOUT...another spoon and yeah, that’s about it. Maybe next week I will tell you about my bedroom floor, or my walls, my walls are quite good.

19:15 Brian Sewell's Grand Tour 20:00 The Da Vinci Code Myth: Revealed 21:00 CSI: Miami 22:00 CSI: NY TV Gareth’s playlist for this week: Jetplane Landing - Once Like A Spark, Mogwai - Come On Die Young, Electrelane Axes, Radiohead - Kid A. I have just realised that all four of those bands I have listed are British. Though to be fair they are probably the four good contemporary British bands. And i don’t even know if Jetplane Landing are still together.

Oh and Bearsuit. That’s it.

23:00 Law and Order 23:55 Fifth Gear 24:55 The Dead Zone 01:40 NBA Basketball 04:35 Argentinian Football

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6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 On This Day 1:00 Hijacked By... Girls Aloud 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Krypto 2:55 Playing It Straight 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One Where Joey Speaks French 5:30 Friends: The One With Princess Consuela 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Krypto 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One Where Joey Speaks French 8:30 Friends: The One With Princess Consuela 9:00 Without A Trace: Transitions 10:00 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 10:30 Rock School 11:00 The Ghost Squad: The Greater Good 12:05 Dubplate Dr a 12:35 8 Out Of 10 Cats 1:05 Without A Trace: Transitions 2:00 Rock School 2:30 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 2:55 No Angels 3:55 Playing It Straight 4:55 Switched 5:15 Switched 5:35 Switched

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6:00 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Live 7:00 GMTV2 8:35 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Live 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Movies Now 6:00 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Jungle Drums 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7:30 Spin City You've Got Male 8:00 Jobs from Hell 9:00 Who Killed the Pageant Queen? The Prime Suspect 10:00 Planet's Funniest Animals 10:30 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Now!11:30 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Live 0:00 The Frank Skinner Show 1:00 3rd Rock from the Sun 1:25 Spin City You've Got Male 1:50 Movies Now 2:00 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!

Live Anthems For A Seventeen Year Old GIRL - Broken Social Scene, Rebel GIRL - Bikini Kill, Hard To Love A Man - Magnolia Electric Company. Have I indie-d you out yet? If not I shall cry.

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19:00 Coast 20:00 The World 20:30 Dinner with Portillo 21:00 British Documentary Awards 2005 22:20 Little Dieter Needs to Fly: Storyville 23:35 Drama Documentary: Imagining the Truth 24:35 British Documentary Awards 2005 01:55 Dinner with Portillo 02:25 The Lost Road: Overland to Singapore 03:05 Drama Documentary: Imagining the Truth 04:05 Close The MAN With The Golden Arm - Jeffrey Lewis, That MAN Will Not Hang - McLusky, Little MAN, what now? - Morrissey, I Hate The Clicking MAN - Prolpase, MAN-Revolutionary - Rogue Wave, The Ballad Of A LADYMAN - Sleater-Kinney, Nosferatu MAN Slint, Out Of Egypt, Into The Great Laugh Of MANkind, And I Shake The Dirt From My Sandals As I Run - Sufjan Stevens, Sweet Lovin’ MAN - The Magnetic Fields, Two Headed BOY Neutral Milk Hotel, Teddy BOYS Adam Green, BOY Toy - Help She Can’t Swim!, Where Have All The Rude BOYS Gone? - Ted Leo and The Pharmacists, Pyscho GIRL - Busted,

8 Out Of 10 Cats

6:00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Sister, Your Daughter Needs You 10:30 This Morning 12:00 This Morning I'm a Celebrity Special 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Steal That Style 3:30 Pocoyo The Big Sneeze 3:35 Mr Bean 3:50 MOM's Name That Tone 4:00 Jungle Run 4:30 My Parents are Aliens. A Choco-lips Now! 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Land of My Father 8:00 The Bill neat time and effort saving device I would write about things that are on my desk. It's a riot.

So…about 30 CD-Rs, an envelope which needs posting in order to receive a purse in the shape of a sheep from ebay, pack of now 29 small envelopes, green drawing pen, spoon (possibly with remnants of kiwi on), empty pint glass, quarter pack of, now probably stale, Lidl choc digestives, framed photo of my girlfriend and me (me pulling a shark face…TRUE FACT), yellow Simpsons watch (free with cereal), Lidl offers leaflet, a few receipts, one pack of beef FLAVOURED 9:00 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!

10:30 ITV News 11:00 Born in the USSR: 21 Up 0:05 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Live 2:00 FILM: The Real Howard Spitz 3:35 Mixmasters 4:00 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News

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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 7:30 The Stables 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Really Wild Show 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Barnaby Bear 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 The Future Is Wild 10:30 See You, See Me Are You EcoFriendly? 10:50 Primary Geography India: Desert India Rajasthan 11:10 Timewatch 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Pod's Mission 1:15 Pod's Mission 1:30 FILM: Tension at Table Rock 3:00 Hands on Nature 3:30 Uncharted Territory 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Top Gear 8:00 Dragon's Den 9:00 Making Slough Happy 10:00 Grumpy Old Women at Christmas 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 African School amount of layers whilst listening to Mogwai or more recently Kid A, and really feeling the bit in Idioteque which goes “ice age coming, ice age coming”. Or running around the second floor of the humanities library looking for journals whilst nearly dying from self inflicted heat exhaustion. Or nearly freezing to death (actually!) when stepping out of the shower. Anyway, I've been pretty much rooted to my desk this week due to impending deadlines, so I thought that in order to be contemporary and to once again find a 11:50 African School 12:20 BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: AS Guru: English 1 4:00 AS Guru: English 2

ITV2 8pm

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19:00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19:30 Trauma 20:00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21:00 Little Britain 21:30 Man Stroke Woman Howsabout a list of gender specific song titles? Sounds good to me: Legal MAN - Belle And Sebastian, The SalesMAN Denver Max - The Blood Brothers, Don’t Leave That WoMAN Unattended - The Broken Family Band, Good WOMAN - Cat Power, A GENTLEMAN caller - Cursive, Loneliest MAN - David-Ivar Herman Dune, MAN and WIFE - Desaparecidos, WOMAN KING - Iron & Wine, 22:00 EastEnders 22:30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23:00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23:30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24:00 Swiss Toni 24:30 The Mighty Boosh 01:00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01:55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02:25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02:55 Swiss Toni 03:25 The Mighty Boosh 03:55 Close

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Animal Park 10:00 Homes Under the Hammer 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11:45 Bargain Hunt 12:15pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Mona the Vampire 4:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 4:30 SMart 5:00 Dance Factory 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Janelle violently confronts Karl about Janae. Max questions the nature of Paul's relationship with Izzy. Lil realises she no longer has to force affection for David.

David hatches an evil plan to annoy Paul. Joe finds the neighbours less than supportive of Bouncer 5 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Watchdog 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City 9:00 Shipmates 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 ONE Life 11:25 Medium 1:40 Sign Zone: See Hear Hey there, TV Gareth here, saying good day through the medium of a large “brrrrr” to represent the fact that it is very cold, isn't it? I've been promising some people snow, and I don't really have the authority to do that, so fingers crossed. Winter is, probably, the best season.

Never has the weather been better to walk to lectures wearing a suffocating 2:25 Sign Zone: How to Rescue a House 2:55 Sign Zone: Natural World 3:45 Joins BBC News 24

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6:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:25 Friends 07:55 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: The Big Vent 08:50 Will And Grace: Will On Ice 09:15 Miss Match 10:10 Miss Match: Addicted To Love 11:05 Er: Carter Est Amoureux 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:45 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 House Auction 13:45 Deal Or No Deal 14:30 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:23 Calendr Adfent 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip? 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Bart Vs. Australia 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad 21:00 04 Wal 21:30 Sioe Gelf 22:00 Space Cadets 23:00 Lost: Deus Ex Machina 00:00 Death By Sex 00:55 Hollyoaks: No Going Back 01:20 Is This The Real Life?: The Queen Story 02:15 Bollywood Sirens: Jism 04:40 Ed: New Car Smell 05:25 Diwedd/Close Might be.

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19.00 From Russia With Love 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Film: "Timecop" 22.35 Desperate Midwives 23.05 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.35 Desperate Midwives 24.05 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.00 Desperate Midwives 02.30 Desperate Midwives 03.00 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? 04.00 Close I was reading in the newspaper today that there is actually a magazine for women that contains erotic fiction and other rude things. It claims to be ‘the magazine that turns women on'. After investigating this on the net it would appear to include stories such as ‘Do ugly men try harder?', ‘Mil Millington on why pubes are ace' and weekly ‘cliterature' which I would presume to be the erotic stories. So there you go ladies!

Finally we have ladies mags in the way in which men have ‘lads mags'. And about time too I think.

19.00 Battle of Midway: Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World 20.30 Advent 2005 20.35 Yes, Prime Minister 21.05 Euroblog 22.05 To Play the King 23.00 The Improbable Mr Attlee 24.00 The Bad Food Guide 01.00 Days That Shook the World 02.00 Euroblog 03.00 The Improbable Mr Attlee 04.00 Close My attempts to attend the ‘p' party as a punk were somewhat eventful this week. The making of my customised ‘punk t-shirt' was traumatic. I attempted a t-shirt with cut-out letters from another tshirt stuck on it. Not good. My attempted slogan ‘Die Young Stay Pretty' was read by several as ‘Die Young Stay Street' which wasn’t the desired effect. So after spending about 3 hours with 2 of my buddies cutting and pinning letters I took them all off and pinned on a square of fabric with the written words. Fucking mission. Never again. From now on I’m always going to fancy dress parties as a punk.

Actually, due to the amount of time spent on the shabby thing I'm going to wear it every day.

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7:30 Spin City A Shot in the Dark 8:00 The Xtra Factor 9:00 My Teen's a Nightmare - I'm Moving Out This week features a certain teenager who, after consuming far too much vodka and other substances, whilst also being an absolute lightweight, ends up licking the front door of her halls and running around the streets of Cardiff singing ‘What a waster what a fuckin waster'. Very appropriate.

However, being drawn on with a child's glittery fabric pen and then being dried with a hair dryer in the halls' kitchen is a bit strange too. 10:00 Corry 10:30 Countdown to the British Comedy Awards 2005 11:30 FILM: Blue Crush 1:35 The Ricki Lake Show 2:15 3rd Rock from the Sun 2:40 Spin City

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I don’t want to say anything that isn’t completely endorsed by Jane so perhaps I should just talk about how I don’t want to say anything thatr isn’t endorsed by Jane in order to stop me from having any remaining space to say anything that isn’t endorsed by Jane.

Awesome, I shall be using similar word count tactics in my upcoming essays.

9:00 Space Cadets 10:00 Lost: Deus Ex Machina 11:05 Hollyoaks: No Going Back 11:35 Nathan Barley 12:10 Carry On England 1:45 When Blue Peter Bece Abba 2:45 World Cup Skiing 4:35 Transworld Sport 5:25 Countdown 6:10 Close

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6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Do I Disown My Daughter and Grandson?

According to Jeremy probably not as he always sides with the little bastards that are making everybody's life hell. 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Great Welsh Cafes CF10, Wednesday morning after a big night out, All Day Brekkie: chips, beans, sausage, tomato, bacon.

Mmmm. 3:30 Pocoyo A Little Cloud 3:40 Tractor Tom Trail of Tricks 3:55 Potatoes and Dragons Can't Get No Respect Why ever not? I have mounds of respect for the potato! Absolute respect. Couldn't live without them. 4:05 Art Attack 4:30 My Parents are Aliens Fools of a Feather 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight is cold, rainy and shabby looking.

6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 The Bill 9:00 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Coming Out Cannon and Ball finally admit their undying love for each other through a song, absolutely beautiful.

10:30 ITV News 11:00 The Pop Factory Awards 0:00 50 Years of Rock 'n' Roll 0:55 cd:uk Hotshots 1:20 ITV MOVIE CLASSIC SEASON:FILM: The Beguiled tr.v. be·guiled, be·guil·ing, be·guilesTo deceive by guile; delude. See Synonyms at deceive.To take away from by or as if by guile; cheat: a disease that has beguiled me of strength.To distract the attention of; divert. 3:05 The Springer Show 4:00 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News

five 7.15pm

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 On This Day 1:00 Hijacked By... 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Ageless 3:00 Young, Sexy And...Busted 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Blackout 5:30 Friends: The One Where Nana Dies Twice 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Ageless 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With The Blackout 8:30 Friends: The One Where Nana Dies Twice 9:00 Desperate Housewives 10:00 Space Cadets 10:30 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 11:00 Lost: Do No Harm 12:00 Point Pleasant: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Choked 12:55 Desperate Housewives 1:50 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 2:15 Point Pleasant: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Choked 3:00 Young, Sexy And...Busted 3:45 Point Pleasant 4:25 Switched 4:50 Switched

06:00 Oswald 06:10 Oswald 06:25 The Save-Ums! 06:35 The Save-Ums! 06:50 Hi-5 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way for Noddy Otherwise he's going to steal your hamster, skin it, marinate it, cook it on the BBQ and eat it with a lightly dressed salad accompanied by a good merlot. You hungry yet? 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:20 Peppa Pig 08:30 Roobarb and Custard Too 08:40 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08:50 Ebb and Flo 09:00 Sailor Sid 09:05 Franny's Feet 09:15 MechaNick 09:25 The Wright Stuff 10:30 Trisha Goddard 11:30 five news 12:00 Home and Away 12:30 BrainTeaser 13:30 Film: "Once Upon a Dead Man" 15:30 five news update 15:35 Film: "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" 17:30 five news 18:00 Home and Away 18:30 Family Affairs 19:00 five news 19:15 Deep Blue: Porpoise Adventure 20:00 Inside Wandsworth Prison: A MacIntyre Investigation 21:00 Film: "The Last Boy Scout" 23:05 The Gadget Show 23:50 Ultimate Strong Man 24:40 The New York Marathon 01:30 Golf 02:20 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classic 03:30 Race and Rally UK 03:55 Argentinian Football Highlights 04:30 Argentinian Football Oh God, someone save me. I've been distracted by Trinny and Susannah. My eye was caught by ‘What not to Wear, Have They Remembered?'.

This is not good. I almost shed a tear when I saw the joy on the menopausal woman's face after she'd been made over. More Wine Please.

PRIMETIME

C4 9pm

Porpoise Adventure

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6:00 Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Arthur 7:35 The Mysti Show 7:55 Newsround 8:00 SMart 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Barnaby 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Trade Secrets 10:10 Leon Errol 10:30 FILM: Sherlock Holmes and the Spider Woman 11:30 The Daily Politics 1:30pm: Working Lunch 2:00 Meet the Ancestors 2:30 The Perfect Holiday, warm, non-stop, chilled, fun, cheap, endless. 3:00 Hands on Nature 3:30 Uncharted Territory 4:30 Ready Steady Cook In my Ready Steady Shopping bag I would have a bottle of red wine, a steak, some chocolate, a meringue, a pastie and a potato. 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Mechannibals 7:30 Rough Science I can only assume this means Science as presented by ugly people.

8:00 Natural World 8:50 Water Voles 9:00 Rome 9:50 Scandal 10:20 What the Romans Did for Us Created the first paved streets in 170BC in Rome (thank God for that) so there's a fact for you, though I think the fact that a cow produces 200 times more gas than a human is far more exciting, without a doubt.

10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Art Safari It’s like a safari, right. But with pictures, like. Sheer genius.

And I draw GOOD giraffes, I warn you. Elephants, not so.

11:50 Art Safari 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Science Zone 4:00 Science Zone

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy don't do it! I know there's a voice in your head just urging you to buy yet another fancy dress outfit but remember, you can make one, it's much more effort and you don't get the wonderful feeling that you get when you buy something but still. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Bargain Hunt 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30 Sudo-Q is everyone addicted but me? 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Alex receives terrible news. Sky takes Steph to task over her sniping at Joe and admits she's pained by not knowing her real father. Dylan sets a date to fight Mike. Harold and Lou try to prove their vitality.

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Mona the Vampire 4:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 4:30 SMart 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00 What Not to Wear Have They Remembered ?

9:00 Life in the Undergrowth 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 Imagine Chuck Close, Close Up 11:25 FILM: In Dreams 1:05am: Sign Zone: ONE Life 1:55 Sign Zone: Garden School 2:25 Sign Zone: Coast 3:25 Sign Zone:Spending Other People's Money 3:55 Joins BBC News 24

Space Cadets

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BBC2 11.20pm

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Art Safari

BBC1 8pm

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What Not To Wear

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs: Hoobyclues 06:35 The Hoobs: Ouch 07:00 B4:25 Friends: The One With Chandler In A Box 07:55 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace 08:50 Will And Grace 09:15 Miss Match: Pilot 10:10 Miss Match: Who's Your Daddy?

11:05 Er: Call Me Ruby 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:45 Sam Tân 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 3 Minute Wonder: G13:20 Preachers To Be 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Campyfan 16:23 Calendr Adfent 16:25 Ofn! 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 719:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Cefn Gwlad 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 Married To The Prime Minister.23:35 Not Forgotten: Women 00:35 Hollyoaks: No Going Back 01:00 The Turner Prize 2005 01:55 Film: Bats (1999)03:25 Ed: The Movie 04:10 Ed: The Decision 04:55 Diwedd/Close Wwwwwwa aaaaaaallllleeeeessssss

Thursday

December 5 - 11 2005

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06:00 Oswald 06:10 Oswald 06:25 The Save-Ums! 06:35 The Save-Ums! 06:50 Hi-5 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:20 Peppa Pig 08:30 Roobarb and Custard Too 08:40 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08:50 Ebb and Flo 09:00 Sailor Sid 09:05 Franny's Feet 09:15 MechaNick 09:25 The Wright Stuff 10:30 Trisha Goddard 11:30 five news 12:00 Home and Away 12:30 BrainTeaser 13:30 Film: "First Target" Action a-go-go. Security gent Alex McGregor is faced with trying to save the US President from assassination. 15:30 Film: "Deadly Encounter" Ex-military helicopter pilot Sam Hootenfinds himself embroiled in the criminal underworld. Who’d have thunk it.

17:30 five news 18:00 Home and Away 18:30 Family Affairs 19:00 five news 19:15 The Tropical Giant: Great Ocean Adventure 20:00 How Not to Decorate 21:00 Aircrash Investigations 22:00 Killer Instinct Yet another American Crime drama, this one in San Francisco with a widower back from a hiatus investigating young women mysteriously passing away in their sleep.

23:00 Naked Celebrity Couples who have turned posing together into an artform are analysed by body language expert Judi James.

Perverts.

24:00 John Barnes' Football Night 24:50 Golazo Football Show 01:35 Dutch Football 03:05 Portuguese Football 04:35 Argentinian Football

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6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 On This Day 1:00 Hijacked By... 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Forever 2:55 Space Cadets 3:55 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends: The One With The Monkey 6:00 Smallville: Forever 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One Where Underdog Gets Away 8:30 Friends: The One With The Monkey 9:00 One Tree Hill: What Could Have Been 10:00 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 10:30 Tommy Lee Goes To College 11:00 Bamboozle: The Secret TV Game Show 11:40 Criss Angel Mindfreak 12:10 One Tree Hill: What Could Have Been 1:05 Tommy Lee Goes To College 1:30 Bboozle: The Secret TV Game Show 2:10 Criss Angel Mindfreak 2:40 Switched 3:00 Young, Sexy And...Soapy 3:45 Average Joe 4:25 Switched

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6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Dick `The Mouth' Solomon 7:30 Spin City A Shot in the Dark 8:00 Marriage 911 8:50 Movies Now 9:00 FILM: Blue Crush Romantic surfing drama set in Hawaii. Starring Kate Bosworth and Michelle Rodriguez. Ask me no questions I tell you no lies.

11:10 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Coming Out 0:40 The Ricki Lake Show 1:30 3rd Rock from the Sun Dick `The Mouth' Solomon 1:50 Spin City A Shot in the Dark 2:15 Teleshopping Shopping from home 5 4:15 ITV2 Nightscreen Gotta love that nightscreen.

19.00 The Avengers 19.55 Advent 2005 20.00 The World 20.30 Mind Games 21.00 Road to Revolution: Days That Shook the World 22.00 Art Safari: Wim Delvoye Ben Lewis embarks on a second series of irreverent, entertaining and outright funny programmes about contemporary art. Apart from the fact that Lewis ventures where other art presenters daren’t go, his first subject is a star from the art world’s cutting edge.

Wim Devloye’s masterpiece is Cloaca, a machine that reproduces the human digestive system. In other words the artist puts food in one end and, from the other, collects...well, waste.

God bless you Radio Times.

Machine made manure is awesome. 22.30 The Late Edition 23.00 Don't Watch That Watch This! 23.30 QI 24.00 Road to Revolution: Days That Shook the World 01.00 The Late Edition 01.30 Don't Watch That Watch This! 02.00 Mind Games 02.30 Art Safari: Wim Delvoye 03.00 Road to Revolution: Days That Shook the World 04.00 Close

BBC 2.05pm

6:10 The Hoobs: Shape Sorter 6:35 The Hoobs: Crash Bang Wallop 7:00 B4 7:25 Friends: The One With Phoebe's Uterus 7:55 Just Shoot Me: An Axe To Grind 8:25 Will & Grace: My Fair Maid-Y 8:50 Will & Grace: The Unsinkable Mommy Adler 9:15 Miss Match: Jive Turkey 10:10 Miss Match: The Love Bandit 11:05 Er: The Show Must Go On 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Ed: Home For Christmas 1:20 Cheers: The Magnificent Six 1:50 Carry On Regardless 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Lemon Of Troy 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: Goodbye Africa 8:00 Gordon Ramsay's F Word fabaceous, fabiform, fabulist, faburden, face-cord, facetiae, facia, facinorous, factious, factitious, factitive, factive, factotum, facture, facula, faculative, facundity, fagin, fagottist, faience, faille, fain, farlead, falcade, falcate, falciform.

9:00 Space Cadets 10:00 I Killed John Lennon A program to celebrate the 25th anniversary of John Lennon’s death. It promises dramatic recreations and interviews with the hero, I mean killer, Mark David Chapman.

11:05 Hollyoaks: No Going Back 11:35 Nathan Barley 12:05 Small Time Crooks 1:50 Invincible 4:10 Drifting 4:20 Preachers To Be 5:20 Countdown 6:05 Close Warm, warm, warm, colder, colder, cold, freezing, hotter, hotter, hotter, boiling, more boiling, holy crap your hands must be on fire. Heh

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6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Ex, I've Got a New Family - Your Baby is Not Mine!

10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Great Welsh Cafes 3:00 Pocoyo Table for Fun 3:10 Pocoyo Keep Going Pocoyo 3:15 Tractor Tom Buzz to the Rescue 3:30 Blips Car Washer 3:45 Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids Bessy O'Messy 4:00 All Grown Up! Oh Bro, Where Art Thou? 4:30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch Sabrina, the Teenage Writer 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 The Ferret Sarah Hibbard, Chris Segar and The Ferret Team go in search of the good and bad in the consumer world.

Huh? 8:00 The Bill Was a successful footballer responsible for a brutal attack?

Wha? 9:00 Doc Martin Aunt Joan’s irascible neighbour accuses Dr Elingham of killing his wife - but he is harbouring a secret of his own. Moo? 10:00 Spitting Image Must See TV 10:30 ITV News 11:00 The Welsh Weekend Sport and Leisure 11:30 Soccer Night 0:00 Never to be Forgotten Politics 0:30 Shoot the Writers!

0:55 Kelly Clarkson in Profile 1:20 Providence He's Come Undone 2:05 2002 Forever 3:00 ITV at the Movies 3:25 Cybernet 3:50 The Jeremy Kyle Show Surprise Reunions 4:45 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News

Doctors

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6:00 Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Arthur 7:35 The Mysti Show 7:55 Newsround 8:00 SMart 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Barnaby Bear 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 The Future is Wild 10:30 Words and Pictures Magic Pencil Programme 1 10:45 Something Special 11:00 The Chronicles of Narnia 11:15 Numbertime Addition and Subtraction - Two Step Subtraction 11:30 Henry's Wives with Terry Deary 11:40 Making Sense of Health 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Nero Wolfe Mysteries 2:30 Garden Invaders 3:00 Hands on Nature 3:30 Uncharted Territory 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Restored to Glory George Best’s corpse is removed from the ground and restored to, yes, you got it, former glory. Tim Westwood pimps the exterior kitting him out in a 1968 Manchester United European Cup winning strip.

Meanwhile he is gutted of his insides by doctors who know that his life of drinking and excess has fucked his awful immune system beyond repair. At least the so called ‘statue’ of him outside Old Trafford will be realistic.

9:00 Russian Godfathers 10:00 Sensitive Skin 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show 12:20 Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: KS3 4:00 KS4 Curriculum Bites

Russian Godfathers

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19.00 Dreamspaces Designer Stores for designer labels. Plus, Puert Rico’s hippest hotels.

19.30 Trauma A Man has been pinned down by a crane.

20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron It’s the penultimate day in the house for this week’s families.

How much work is still to be done. 21.00 Who Rules the Roost? 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Trauma Uncut 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Trauma Uncut Can a motorcyclist’s leg be saved following an accident?

24.00 Desperate Midwives 24.30 Desperate Midwives 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Who Rules the Roost? A Karate Champion, a swimming enthusiast and a west end actress - the child prodigies of motivational mother Jennifer. But does she spend enough time with her baby Gaby? Give a shit?

02.55 Trauma Uncut 03.25 Trauma Uncut Kwame KweiArmah narrates more real-life stories from the Royal London A&E. 03.55 Close

BBC 2 3.30pm

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Homes Under the Hammer 11:00 Bargain Hunt 11:45 Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Alex struggles with his shock. Paul nurses Izzy through withdrawal from her addiction. David makes peace with Serena. Boyd sits his medicine exam. Bree and the Kinski kids get busted 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Mona the Vampire 4:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 4:30 SMart 5:00 Dance Factory 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Big Red Bus 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Bleak House 8:30 Walking with Monsters: Life Before Dinosaurs Innovative technology and groundbreaking research combine in this dazzling re-creation of prehistoric times. They could have been making another Jurassic Park instead of doing this.

9:00 Little Britain The Office was great because Ricky Gervais knew when to stop.

9:30 The Worst Week of My Life 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week 12:25am: Sign Zone: Panorama 1:05 Sign Zone: Strutting Our Stuff 1:35 Sign Zone: Hotel on Sea 2:05 Sign Zone: Road Rage School 2:35 Sign Zone 3:05 Joins BBC News 24

Hands on Nature

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 7.00 B4 07:25 Friends: The One Where They Are Going To Party! 07:55 Just Shoot Me: Jack Vents 08:20 Will And Grace 08:50 Will And Grace 09:15 Miss Match: Something Nervy 10:10 Miss Match: Kate In Ex-Tasy 11:05 Er: You Are Here 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:50 Tomos A'i Ffrindiau 13:00 Triongl 13:15 3 Minute Wonder: Self Portraits 13:20 River Cottage Road Trip 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 O Na! Y Morgans 16:23 Calendr Adfent 16:25 Top Yr Ysgol 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Homie The Clown 18:30 Darn O Dir 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Y Byd Ar Bedwar Penawdau Newyddion I Ddilyn / News Headlines Follow.

21:00 Gwynfor: Yr Aelod Dros Gymru? 22:05 Talcen Caled 23:00 Grand Designs: Clapham 00:00 WifeSwap 01:00 Hollyoaks: No Going Back 01:25 Without A Trace: Lone

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Friday

Page 28

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teevee@schmeevee.com

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

19.00 Dreamspaces 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Man Stroke Woman 23.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.00 Man Stroke Woman 01.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.00 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? 02.55 Spendaholics 03.55 Close Salutations pop-pickers. A postapocalyptical TV Gareth here. If you recall, last week I requested my immediate death, nonesuch arrived but I have since had a very nasty cold/cough/headache /bad neck. A fate worse than death perhaps. I feel as though I have little to give you this week but I’m sure my willingness to go home and back to bed will inspire me to type completely irrelevant self-obsessed balls.

You know you can rely on me for that. One thing which irritated me beyond rationality this week

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With... 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 On This Day 1:00 Hijacked By... 2:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Commencement 2:55 Space Cadets 3:55 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With Mrs Bing 5:30 Friends: The One With The Dozen Lasagnas 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Commencement 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With Mrs Bing 8:30 Friends: The One With The Dozen Lasagnas 9:00 Brat Camp Usa 10:00 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 10:30 Flatliners 12:40 Peep Show 1:15 Massive Balls Of Steel 1:45 Kaiser Chiefs Live At The Fillmore 2:50 Trigger Happy USA 3:15 Peep Show 3:40 Massive Balls Of Steel 4:05 Trigger Happy Usa 4:30 Switched 4:50 Switched 5:15 Switched the year. I hope I don’t have to say my favourite TV program. I don’t like TV.

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06:00 Oswald 06:10 Oswald 06:25 The Save-Ums! 06:35 The Save-Ums! 06:50 Hi-5 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:20 Peppa Pig 08:30 Roobarb and Custard Too 08:40 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08:50 Ebb and Flo 09:00 Sailor Sid 09:05 Franny's Feet 09:15 MechaNick 09:25 The Wright Stuff 10:30 Trisha Goddard 11:30 five news 12:00 Home and Away 12:30 BrainTeaser 13:30 Film: "The Summer My Father Grew Up" 15:30 Film: "Blindfold" 17:30 five news 18:00 Home and Away 18:30 Family Affairs 19:00 five news 19:30 Pimp My Ride UK My housemate Alex pimped up his car. It now looks awesome and took a lot less time and money thatn old Westwood does. Basically he stuck a “Pimp Daddy” sticker in the back window and got himself a Dashboard Jesus. He’s a Christian gent when driving forwards and a player when reversing. Why would he want a heli-pad on the roof?

Fucking Westwood.

20:00 Shark Bites - The Anatomy of a Man Eater I love a girl who once spent a whole weekend telling me what a great film Jaws is and then when we sat down to watch it she got too scared and we had to change the channel.

Beautiful idiot.

21:00 Film: "Striking Distance" 23:00 Film: "Poltergeist" 01:05 Top Buzzer 01:35 Welcome to Arrow Beach 03:20 Short Story Cinema 03:45 The Dead Zone 04:30 Lexx

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6:05 Making It: Sand Castles 6:10 The Hoobs: Peep Flowers 6:35 The Hoobs: Winning 7:00 B4 7:25 Friends: The One With The Embryos 7:55 Just Shoot Me: First Date 8:25 Will & Grace: Big Brother Is Coming 8:50 Will & Grace: Big Brother Is Coming 9:15 Miss Match 10:10 Miss Match: Santa, Baby 11:05 Cheers: An Old-Fashioned Wedding 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Cheers: Do Not Forsake Me O' My Postman 1:00 Channel 4 Racing 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:35 Friends: The One In Barbados 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond: I Love You I kid you not when I say this is the best television program ever created, and this is in fact a rather good episode.

If I remember correctly (I so do), this episode Ray's already in the dog house for not showing more affection, but Debra really gets mad when he talks about their problem with his parents.

After Ray confesses that he can't say "I love you," the whole family goes overboard until Debra begs him not to share their personal problems with his family anymore.

8:30 The Simpsons: Worst Episode Ever 9:00 Space Cadets 10:00 Peep Show 10:30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 11:05 Nathan Barley 11:40 Nathan Barley 12:15 Crimson Rivers 2:10 Social Call 2:20 World Cup Snowboard 4:10 Just Not Cricket 4:15 Scrapheap Challenge: Egg Shooter 5:15 Countdown 6:00 Close

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6:00 GMTV2 Including news and children's programmes 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 ITV at the Movies 7:30 The Xtra Factor: 24/7 8:30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 9:30 Unlikely Lovers 10:30 The Frank Skinner Show 11:30 Coronation Street 0:00 The Ricki Lake Show 0:50 Sally Jessy Raphael 1:35 Teleshopping 4:35 ITV2 Nightscreen which I will be celebrating by not going out but rather eating chilli crisps in the company of a sheep, a rat and a cat. I’m not being mad cap, this is TRUE FACT. Next week’s TV pages might be quite good because maybe we’ll know something about what this year’s big Christmas TV smashes are going to be and also we shall more than likely bring to you some indie-centric review of

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19.00 To the World's End: Jonathan Gili 19.55 Advent 2005 20.00 The World 20.30 The Cinema Show 21.00 Mose Allison: Ever Since I Stole the Blues 22.00 The Highland Sessions 22.30 QI 23.00 The Late Edition 23.30 The Avengers 24.20 Film: "Le Libertin" 02.00 The Cinema Show 02.30 Mose Allison: Ever Since I Stole the Blues 03.30 The Highland Sessions 04.00 Close was reading a puller quote for a Madonna gig review in the NME this week which went something along the lines of “Not even Alex Turner can command a stage like Madonna can”. Alex Turner is that smelly little prick who sings for the Arctic Monkeys so of course he bloody can’t. He’s about twelve fucking years old and from what I’ve heard of him he can barely command the English language.

Things are potentially looking up for the rest of the term however, as I have only one (however decidedly difficult) essay remaining and this time next week I will be in the company of my girlfriend and eagerly awaiting my

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6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Sister, I'm Bisexual, Love Me as I Am 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Great Welsh Cafes 3:00 Pocoyo Where's Pocoyo? 3:10 Pocoyo Drummer Boy 3:15 Tractor Tom Rora's Monster 3:30 Blips Cowboy 3:45 Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids Goblin Mountain 4:00 Disney's The Legend of Tarzan Jungle Madness 4:30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch Silent Movie 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30 Airline 9:00 Taggart. Do or Die. Which is also the title of a Super Furry Animals’ single, the performance of which was the shortest ever on Top Of The Pops. I liked SFA a lot more before I moved to Wales because of my dislike of the Welsh mentality to worship any band that comes out of Wales on the basis that they are Welsh, regardless of the fact that in the most part they are shit.

Most English bands are rubbish too, don’t get me wrong. I admit this though.

10:30 ITV News 11:00 Fact Hunt 11:30 The Frank Skinner Show 0:30 Numb3rs Identity Crisis 1:20 Orange Playlist 1:50 Orange Playlist 2:20 Entertainment Now! 2:45 ITV at Reading 2005 3:40 cd:uk Hotshots 4:05 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4:30 ITV Nightscreen Textbased information service 5:30 ITV Early Morning News

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6:00 Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Arthur 7:35 The Mysti Show 7:55 Newsround 8:00 SMart 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Barnaby Bear 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 The Future is Wild 10:30 Primary History 10:50 Primary History 11:10 Primary Geography France: The Alps - Dairy Farming 11:20 Focus Citizenship: Minorities - A Home from Home 11:40 Focus Difference and Discrimination 11:50 Emotional Literacy 12:00 The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:35 FILM: Wagonmaster 3:00 Hands on Nature 3:30 Uncharted Territory 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 The Big Poker Gamble 7:30 Gardeners' World Specials 8:15 World Cup Draw (Ignorant Englishman alert!!)

Yahoo! I’m quite looking forward to this. Bring on the World Cup so you can all put those stupid miniature England flags on your Italian cars again and get so drunk that you pass out before kick off. COME ON TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO. 9:00 The Man-Eating Lions of Njombe 9:50 Posh Nosh 10:00 QI 10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 A Concert for Bangladesh Revisited 12:20am: Talking Bob Dylan Blues: A Tribute Concert 1:20 Days That Shook the World 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: General Interest: The V Word!

4:00 The V Word! 5:00 The V Word!

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 Homes Under the Hammer 11:00 Bargain Hunt 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30pm: Sudo-Q 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Paul's daughter arrives and Izzy meets her match. Connor receives devastating news about Maddie. Max wraps Steph in cotton wool 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Mona the Vampire 4:05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 4:30 The Basil Brush Show 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 A Question of Sport 7:30 Spending Other People's Money Well, it IS Christmas.

8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Bleak House 9:00 Have I Got News for You 9:30 Blessed 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35 James Blunt at the BBC The only time I’d ever want to see James Blunt on the BBC would be if they were doing a recreation of his hideous murder on Crimewatch. And then it would only be some poor look-alike cunt who had the misfortune to look like the whiney little shit.

If Blunt raped both your parents, then you would still not hate him quite as much as I do. I’d like to sever him at his knees and use him as coffee table legs. 12:25 FILM: Fist of the North Star 1:55 Joins BBC News 24

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06:10 The Hoobs: Hoobyclues 06:35 The Hoobs: Ouch 07:00 B4:25 Friends: The One With Chandler In A Box 07:55 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace 08:50 Will And Grace 09:15 Miss Match: Pilot 10:10 Miss Match: Who's Your Daddy?

11:05 Er: Call Me Ruby 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:45 Sam Tân 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 3 Minute Wonder: Scrambled Egg as done in the microwave. 13:20 Preachers To Be 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Campyfan 16:23 Calendr Adfent 16:25 Ofn! 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 719:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Cefn Gwlad 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 Married To The Prime Minister.23:35 Not Forgotten: Women 00:35 Hollyoaks: No Going Back 01:00 The Turner Prize 2005 01:55 Film: Bats (1999)03:25 Ed: The Movie 04:10 Ed: The Decision 04:55 Diwedd/Close

Saturday

December 5 - 11 2005

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BBC1 11.50pm

C4 6am

19.00 Three's Outtakes 19.10 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? Probably be betterthan living with half the people I’m friends with. With the obvious exception of Menon.

20.10 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.10 Film: "The Thomas Crown Affair" 22.55 Man Stroke Woman 23.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.25 The Comic Side of 7 Days 24.55 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? 01.55 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Starring a bunch of angry midgets. Watch out! They bite!

02.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.20 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps According to Arena, Ralf Little was seen in BBC tellyvizzle headquarters telling a friend that he was ‘recording another episode of Two Pints - same old shit isn’t it?” At least he knows.

03.50 Close 25 minutes to do a page? tvwilly@newrecord.com. I could do with some red wine now. Mmm.

19.00 Advent 2005 19.05 The Cinema Show Last two films I saw were, not unpredictably, Wallace and Gromit and the Curse of the Were-rabbit and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. This may not be particularly interesting but the long film titles fill up much-needed space in the vacuum that is BBC Four a channel notable for one thing Armando Iannucci’s brilliant The Thick Of It 19.35 Perpetual Motion 20.05 Arena: Little Platform, Big Stage 21.05 Film: "Summer Holiday" 22.50 The Young Ones Looks like it’s some kind of Cliff Richard theme night.

Fan-fucking-tastic. 23.25 On the Buses I thought that said Bruce then, I very nearly had an orgasm. 23.55 Sykes 24.25 Arena: Little Platform, Big Stage 01.25 The Cinema Show 01.45 The Music of the Primes 02.50 Arena: Little Platform, Big Stage 03.50 The Cinema Show Is it wrong to be straight and in love with a man.

Especially if the man is a 50+ rock’n’roll star named Springsteen. 04.15 Close God he’s ace.

C4 9pm

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12:10 Coronation Street Omnibus 2:30 Package Holiday Undercover 3:30 Date My Daughter 4:20 Planet's Funniest Animals 4:45 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 5:45 Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones It's Good to Be 6:10 Orange Playlist 6:40 Filthy Homes from Hell Starring TV Gareth and his Boomtown Rats.

When I say Boomtown, what I really mean is decomposing corpses of filth. 7:45 The Xtra Factor 8:30 Planet's Funniest Animals Starring Calista Flockhart, who TV John describes as: “Distinctively duckish.” 8:55 The Xtra Factor 9:25 Record of the Year 2005: Downloaded 10:25 The X Factor 11:25 The Xtra Factor 0:15 The X Factor Results As long as Chico wins, we here at TV Desk are going to be happy, happy people. 0:40 The Xtra Factor 1:10 Emmerdale Omnibus 3:35 Teleshopping Shopping from home 5:35 ITV2 Nightscreen Steven Tyler? Mick Jagger being raped in a botox lab. Yuk.

Gerald McBoing Boing

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6:00 The Treacle People: The Great Escape 6:10 The Hoobs: Groove's Wish 6:35 The Hoobs: A Pig Full Of Surprises 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat Something to do with mushrooms? I dunno. 7:30 4endurance: US Challenge 8:00 The Morning Line 8:50 T4: Futurama: Obsoletely Fabulous 9:20 T4: Madagascar: T4 Movie Special 9:50 T4: Friends: The One With The Joke That’ll be the only one then.

Piece of shit. If Britain had any sense we’d be quoting George Costanza rather than Joey frigging Tribbiani. Yuk. 10:20 T4: Popworld 11:10 T4: Friends: The One With Rachel's Sister 11:40 T4: The Simple Life: Interns 12:05 T4: T4 In Narnia 12:55 T4: Totally Frank 1:25 T4: T4 Presents Robbie Willis 2:00 Channel 4 Racing From Cheltenham And Doncaster This just in, Doncaster 3 - Aston Villa ZERO! 4:15 Deal Or No Deal If Edmonds is involved then I can categorically confirm that it’s a deal.

5:00 Gordon Ramsay's F Word 6:00 Unreported World: Pakistan's Double Game 6:30 Channel 4 News 7:00 The Real Patron Saints 9:00 Space Cadets 10:00 Bring Back... The Christmas Number One 11:05 Christmas Top Ten 12:40 4music Presents... Jamie Cullum 1:10 4music: Dubplate Drama 1:25 4music: 4play: Hard Fi 1:55 4music: Hit40uk 2:20 4music: 4play: Burt Bacharach 2:35 South American Championship Football 3:25 King Of The Hill: Night And Deity 3:50 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 4:35 Wild Things 5:25 Countdown

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Wakey! 9:25 MOM 11:30 cd:uk 12:30 ITV News; Weather 12:35 ITV Wales News and Weather 12:40 ITV at the Movies 1:10 FILM: Our Lips Are Sealed 2:35 Inspector Morse The Infernal Serpent If that isn’t a euphemism then I don’t know what is. TV Willy, you’re a filthy sod. 4:35 ITV Wales News and Weather 4:50 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5:05 New You've Been Framed!

5:35 The Record of the Year 2005 6:45 The X Factor 7:45 The Record of the Year 2005: The Results If you listen to Quench magazine it’s Girls Aloud’s fantastic Biology - but what do they know. That’s also TV Gareth’s. John’s is Trapped In The Closet by the man/legend. Miss de Ville’s: Since U Been Gone. Editor Tom: “I don’t listen to much.” Cat Head Automatica yawn.

Ridler - anything by Feeder.

The Menon: “What?” No-one else seems particularly interested. Mine, if you care, wasn’t a single but Gone the final track on Kanye ‘playing in Cardiff’ West’s hyper-brilliant Late Registration. Aren’t I cool/black?

8:30 The X Factor Results 8:55 Big Fight Live 10:10 Parkinson More wishywashy questions from Yorkshire’s king of the soft-questions. Last week he had Matthew Kelly on. he had terrible teeth. Yuk. 11:10 ITV News 11:25 FILM: The Newton Boys 1:40 FILM: The Great Locomotive Chase 3:05 cd:uk 3:55 Entertainment Now! 4:20 Cybernet 4:45 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News

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6:00 Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen My girlfriend wakes me up every week with this rubbish. The only thing I want on a Saturday morning is a cup of coffee (which I’m no longer allowed - bloody doctors) and a newspaper full of sport. But not the Daily Sport.

11:30 Rachel's Favourite Food for Friends 12:00 See Hear 12:45 The Flying Gardener 1:00 The Sky at Night 1:20 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 1:50 FILM: The Moon Is Blue 3:25 The Rockford Files 4:15 Monk 5:00 Flog It! 5:30 Snooker: UK Championship 7:10 What the Papers Say Probably something along the lines of ‘GARY GLITTER TO FACE FIRING SQUAD’. or ‘HUNTLEY GOES GAY’.

7:20 The Tsunami Children New kids’ cartoon series featuring a gang of windinspired superhero schoolchildren.

8:20 Dad's Army 8:50 Auschwitz: The Nazis and The 'Final Solution' I think this might be something to do with crosswords.

Specifically 18 Down, dictator (5,6).

9:40 FILM: The Statement 11:35 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 12:05 Snooker: UK Championship 12:55 Snooker Extra: UK Championship 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: After the Genome Let’s be fair you’re probably going to learn more watching this than you are doing a degree here. Three useful modules in three years... sigh. 3:00 Open Advice - Study to Succeed 3:30 Elements of Healing 4:00 Wild Moves 4:30 Wild Moves: Water 5:00 Wild Moves 5:30 Background Brie.

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6:00am: CBeebies: Tikkabilla 6:35 Pingu 6:50 Brum 7:00 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 7:25 Arthur 7:50 Taz-Mania 8:10 Legend of the Dragon 8:35 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11:00 Top of the Pops Reloaded 11:45 Sportsround 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather 12:10 Football Focus 1:00 Grandstand 1:05 Cycling: World Track Cup 2:30 Around the Grounds 2:40 Snooker: UK Championship 3:45 Football Half-Times 3:50 Snooker: UK Championship 4:30 Final Score 5:15 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:35 Weakest Link Hey guys, TV Willy here. I’m making a one week only comeback due to a barrage of fanmail demanding my return. Only kidding - I’m a schmuck.

6:25 Strictly Come Dancing If Darren ‘suntan’ Gough is still in this I’m a leper in Barbados. What is it with infamous cricketers going on dire reality TV shows?

Why am I asking you I’m the internationally recognised TV critic.

7:40 The National Lottery: Millionaire Manor 8:20 Casualty I fear my ego may have overcome me.

9:10 Strictly Come Dancing 9:40 Outtake TV Probably featuring a ferret going down someone’s trousers on Blue Peter and, I dunno, an elephant doing a poo in a studio.

10:10 BBC News; Weather 10:30 Match of the Day My beloved Manchester City will probably be continuing their goal of turning a potentially successful season into another painfully mediocre one. Boo to that I say.

11:50 FILM: Wing Commander 1:30am: Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2:30 News 24

Space Cadets

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 9:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00 Whatever...

You Want 10:30 Basil Brush's Foxy Pop Babes For a start, what? Secondly, this sounds like the best idea anyone’s ever had ever. in the history of TV. Fit girls and Basil Brush. You couldn’t make it up. Although I suppose you could, because someone evidently has. 12:30 Space Cadets 1:30 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 2:00 Hit40uk 2:35 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00 Friends: The One With A Chick And A Duck 5:30 Friends: The One With The Screamer 6:00 Brat Camp Usa 7:00 Wife Swap 8:00 Friends: The One With A Chick And A Duck 8:30 Friends: The One With The Screamer 9:00 Wife Swap 10:00 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 10:35 I'm Going To Tell You A Secret 12:55 Kaiser Chiefs Live At The Filmore 2:00 Wife Swap 3:00 Hit40uk 3:25 Brat Camp Usa 4:05 Average Joe Starring Joe Pasquale. Dave Mediocrity himself. 4:50 Wife Swap

06:00 Sunrise 06:55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane Last I heard he was still slogging it out for Bolton every week. 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky Pro 24-hour drinking propaganda.

Lesson - don’t trust people called Bill. Or any variations on the above. 07:45 Make Way for Noddy I wonder if Terminator 3 is on again this week. Chance would be a fine thing. 08:00 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs Windsor’s on the funny-fags again. 08:20 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08:40 Franklin 09:10 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 09:20 Gerald McBoing Boing 09:50 Don't Blame the Koalas 10:15 Dragon Booster 10:40 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11:35 Home and Away Omnibus 13:40 Film: "Kissing a Fool" See Kevin Federline.

15:20 Extreme Makeover: Home Edition 16:20 Film: "Redemption of the Ghost" 18:25 Charmed 19:10 Star Trek: Voyager 20:05 Star Trek: Voyager 20:55 five news and sport 21:10 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22:10 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23:05 Film: "Poltergeist II: The Other Side" 24:45 Film: "Shades of Gray" 02:45 The Love Boat 03:35 Russell Grant's Postcards “Hey guys!

I’m in Spain. Eaten lots of chorizo and tapas. Unfortunately the tapas dishes were much too small so I had to order another 25. Wish you were here. Russ xx P.S. I’m still fat and still reading stars. It’s great. 03:50 Sunset Beach 04:30 Sunset Beach 05:15 Trading Spouses I think I’ve lost my touch. Guess that’s what happens when you get out of practice.

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:25 Friends 07:55 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: The Big Vent 08:50 Will And Grace: Will On Ice 09:15 Miss Match 10:10 Miss Match: Addicted To Love 11:05 Er: Carter Est Amoureux 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:45 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 House Auction 13:45 Deal Or No Deal 14:30 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:23 Calendr Adfent 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip? 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Bart Vs. Australia 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad 21:00 04 Wal 21:30 Sioe Gelf 22:00 Space Cadets 23:00 Lost: Deus Ex Machina 00:00 Death By Sex 00:55 Hollyoaks: No Going Back 01:20 Is This The Real Life?: The Queen Story 02:15 Bollywood Sirens: Jism 04:40 Ed: New Car Smell 05:25 Diwedd/Close

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Sunday

Page 30

December 5 - 11 2005

tv@flaps.com

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19.00 Advent 2005 19.05 Coast 20.05 Dance to the Camera 20.15 Natural World 21.00 Cane Toads 21.55 Advent 2005 22.00 The Fall of Fujimori 23.25 Don't Watch That Watch This! 23.55 Art Safari: Wim Delvoye 24.25 Mose Allison: Ever Since I Stole the Blues 01.25 Vietnam: How Vietnam Was Lost 02.45 Don't Watch That Watch This! 03.15 Art Safari: Wim Delvoye 03.45 Close which I may have to concede are a bit emotastic. Now as the crowning glory to this long running series and a final attempt at a great piece of lazy, time saving i shall display to you the lyrics of “I’m Not Ok”, by TV John’s band, My Chemical Romance: Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say, I never want to let you down or have you go, It's better off this way. For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took, remember when you broke your foot, from jumping out the second floor. (SING IT!!) I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, You wear me out. What will it take to show you that it's not

6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Movies Now 9:40 cd:uk 10:40 It's Good to Be Nicole Kidman 11:05 With a Little Help from My Friends 12:10 The Xtra Factor 12:40 Movies Now 12:55 Emmerdale Omnibus 3:40 Coronation Street Omnibus 6:00 The Record of the Year 2005 7:15 The Record of the Year 2005: The Results 8:00 The X Factor 9:00 The X Factor Results 9:25 The Xtra Factor 9:55 My Teen's a Nightmare - I'm Moving Out 10:55 Coronation Street 11:25 The Frank Skinner Show 0:30 FILM: The Untouchables 2:40 Teleshopping 5:45 ITV2 Nightscreen the life it seems (I'm not okay) I've told you time and time again, you sing the words but don't know what it means to be a joke and look another line without a hook I held you close as we both shook for the last time, take a good hard look. I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, You wear me out, Forget about the dirty looks, The photographs your boyfriend took,You said you'd read me like a book, But the pages are all torn and frayed...

BBC1 1.30pm

6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 9:00 The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00 Whatever...

You Want 10:30 Jimmy Carr's Greatest Pop Stars 12:30 Space Cadets 1:35 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 2:10 Popworld 3:00 H Side Story 3:30 Totally Frank 4:00 Young, Sexy And...Hollywood 5:00 Friends: The One With All The Jealousy 5:30 Friends: The One With Ross's Thing 6:00 Friends: The One With The Ultimate Fighting Chpion 6:35 Friends: The One At The Beach 7:00 One Tree Hill: What Could Have Been 8:00 Friends: The One With All The Jealousy 8:30 Tommy Lee Goes To College 9:00 Lost: Do No Harm 10:00 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 10:30 Space Cadets Live I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, now (I'm okay, now), But you really need to listen to me, Because I'm telling you the truth, I mean this, I'm okay (Trust me), I'm not okay, I'm not okay, Well, I'm not okay, I'm not o-fucking-kay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay (Okay)

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However, emo has subconsciously challenged such notions and has stirred an evaluation of this draconian trend in our culture.

Regardless of the criticism, emo music retains a loyal audience that includes many who would otherwise consider themselves outside the so-called "emo scene". As with punk rock, the term "emo" may persist for years to come and evolve into even more styles and sounds. Whether or not recognition of the genre will 21:00 Perfect Day 23:00 Danniella Westbrook: EastEnders, Drugs and My New Nose 24:05 Adventure Triathlon 24:55 NBA Action 01:20 NFL Live: Sunday Night Game of the Week 04:45 Dutch Football

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6:10 The Hoobs: Rewards 6:35 The Hoobs: Hoob In The Mood 7:00 Transworld Sport 7:55 World Cup Skiing 8:50 T4 T4: Hit40uk 9:20 T4: Futura: Bender Should Not Be Allowed On Tv 9:50 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:25 T4: T4 Presents Robbie Williams 1:00 T4: Totally Frank 1:35 T4: H Side Story 2:05 T4: Friends: The One Where Chandler Can't Cry 2:35 T4: Sony Ericsson's Christmas Calling 4:15 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise: Babel One 5:05 The Simpsons: Separate Vocations 5:35 Scrapheap Challenge Top Ten 6:35 Lost: Deus Ex Machina emotional; emotions are "weak" and "feminine". In recent years however, western male culture has shown many new signs of change and acceptance on the outlook of expected stereotypes from male culture. Recent TV programs such as A&E, feature highschool faculty changing its curriculum to teach young kids the dangers of "teasing" or "condemning" a male peer for showing his true emotions. Other shows such as 7th Heaven and Prince of Bel Air have also preached such values. This new awareness most likely owes much of its inception due to such tragic events such as the Columbine High School Massacre 7:30 Channel 4 News 8:00 Not Forgotten: Survivors 9:00 Space Cadets Live Launch 10:00 15 Minutes 12:15 Space Cadets Live 2:00 Dubplate Drama 2:15 Kotv 2:45 French Football: Le Championnat 4:35 Wild Things 5:25 Countdown 6:10 Close

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Shandy Lil 3:45 Doctor Zhivago 5:15 Never to be Forgotten Play 5:45 A Story of Cardiff 6:15 ITV Wales News and Weather multiple sequels.

This kind of self-awareness gave emo a much more respectable image to outsiders, as it showed emo to be self-conscious enough to see the humor in itself without abandoning what made it unique. In recent years, the derision has increased dramatically. Male fans of emo are often hit with homosexual slurs, largely a reflection of the style of dress popular within the "emo scene" and the fact that in many cultures, males are expected to be stalwart and strong, not overly 6:30 ITV News; Weather 6:50 Emmerdale 7:20 Creature Comforts Monarchy Business 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 The Royal Variety Performance 2005 10:30 OFI Sunday 11:15 ITV News 11:30 Fact Hunt 0:00 Faith and Music 0:30 World Sport 1:00 Local Heroes UK 1:25 Hitler and Hess 2:25 Maggie: The First Lady Above the Shop 3:20 Love 2 Shop 3:50 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News

Murder, She Wrote

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6:00 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 6:35 Pingu 6:40 Pingu 6:45 Pingu 6:50 Brum 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:10 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Style 11:30 FILM: The Charge of the Light Brigade 1:20pm: Sunday Grandstand 1:30 European Cross Country Championships 2:15 Cycling: World Track Cup 3:30 Snooker: UK Championship 4:30 Ski Sunday 5:30 A Wild Cornish Summer 6:10 Natural World 7:00 Snooker: UK Championship hearted and self-effacing. In September of 2002, web developer Jason Oda put forth Emogame. In the game, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith kidnapped The Get-Up Kids, and players could assume the identities of several popular Emo singers (including Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes) to fight him and his minions, along with more or less every subculture in the American landscape. The game referenced numerous Emo stereotypes, but also included pop culture references such as R2-D2 from Star Wars. The game was well-received by both fans and critics of emo alike, eventually spawning 7:30 Top of the Pops 8:00 Top Gear 9:00 Agatha Christie: a Life in Pictures 10:30 Match of the Day 2 11:15 Snooker: UK Championship 12:05am: Snooker Extra: UK Championship 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Get Confident: The Tool Kit to Communicating: Making the Best of Yourself 3:00 The Tool Kit to Communicating: Talking with Others 4:00 Confidence Zone 1 5:00 Confidence Zone 2

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19.00 Three's Outtakes 19.15 Farscape 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Stars in Fast Cars 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.00 Little Britain 22.30 Man Stroke Woman 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 24.00 Swiss Toni 24.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.25 Man Stroke Woman 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Swiss Toni 03.25 The Comic Side of 7 Days 03.55 Close persist and which version of "emo" will be best remembered remains to be seen......................................... ...........Yeh, and so that’s the end of our journey into the deepest darkest recesses of your younger sister’s favourite music genre. I myself am not a big fan of emo. I like Death Cab and Bright Eyes but don’t consider them to be Emo myself.

However, I do also like Jetplane Landing and the Q And Not U album ‘No Kill No Beep Beep’

OFI Sunday

BBC2 4.30pm

R

6:00am: Breakfast News and topical reports 7:35 Match of the Day 9:00 Sunday AM 10:00 Stranger in the Manger? 11:00 Countryfile 12:00pm: The Politics Show 1:00 Keeping Up Appearances 1:30 Murder, She Wrote 2:15 EastEnders 4:10 Bleak House 5:10 Songs of Praise 5:45 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 6:10 Antiques Roadshow Hold on to your Trucker Cap, it’s time for the culmination of TV Desk’s further adventures in Emo, brought to you in association with Wikipedia. Go, go go...

7:00 The Story of God 8:00 Sports Personality of the Year 2005 Backlash: As the chorus of detractors increased, Emo became more and more a target of derision. Like the Goth scene, people who focus on Emo music often share a dark and emotional psyche that makes them feel like they belong outside the mainstream. They tend to thrive on the emotional ups and downs that are typically prevalent in emotionally-driven music such as emo. At the same time, fans of other rock genres, which often emphasise aggression and anger, accuse Emo of being too "soft" and whiny.

In the early years of the "third wave", however, the derision was relatively light10:00 BBC News; Weather 10:15 One Foot in the Grave 11:15 Rome 12:10am: FILM: Murder in the Mirror 1:40 Sign Zone: Holby City 2:35 Sign Zone: Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife 3:05 Sign Zone: Britain's Streets of Booze 3:50 Joins BBC News 24

E

029 20229977

Ski Sunday

Stranger In The Manger? BBC1 10am

P

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

6:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:25 Friends 07:55 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: The Big Vent 08:50 Will And Grace: Will On Ice 09:15 Miss Match 10:10 Miss Match: Addicted To Love 11:05 Er: Carter Est Amoureux 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:45 Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 House Auction 13:45 Deal Or No Deal 14:30 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:23 Calendr Adfent 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip? 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Bart Vs. Australia 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad 21:00 04 Wal 21:30 Sioe Gelf 22:00 Space Cadets 23:00 Lost: Deus Ex Machina 00:00 Death By Sex 00:55 Hollyoaks: No Going Back 01:20 Is This The Real Life?: The Queen Story 02:15 Bollywood Sirens: Jism 04:40 Ed: New Car Smell 05:25 Diwedd/Close

Five Minute Fun

December 5 2005

Page 31

ruiningyourlectures@gairrhydd.com

Transporter

The Big Quiz THIS WEEK: There’s no theme

1. What do the writers Zola, Balzac and Hobbes all have in common?

A: Same bir thday B: Died on the same day C: Have obsessive Compulsive Disorder D: All of them have all their works banned by the Catholic Church - librorum prohibitorum 2. What is the name of Jamie Rednapp’s bizarre new lifestyle magazine for extra rich footballers? (It’s got a cover price

A: B: C: D:

of £6, but isn’t available in the shops, by the way) Icon Lads quar terly Vanity project weekly Self Indulgence bi-monthy

3. The world’s first face transplant has just been performed, for a woman who was mauled by a dog, loosing her nose lips and chin, where did it happen?

A: Wales B: France C: Kazakhstan D: America

W

hy oh why would you do some of the things that we get sent pictures of?

Needless to say that, although they can’t all be printed, it’s good to see you students looking on the brighter side of life.

Keep em coming in.

Man-woman or woman-man?

Text 07791 165 837

Cardiff on tour.

8

6

7

1

2

3 1

7 2

2

6 3

1

9 2

4

9

1 5

1 6

6

4

3

2

8

3

3

7

HOW TO PLAY SU DOKU:

Fill in the grid using only the numbers 1 through 9. All the vertical and horizontal rows should contain the numbers 1-9. All the smaller 3x3 squares should contain the numbers 1-9. No row or 3x3 square should have the same number twice.

CROSSWORD: 1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8 9

4. Speaking of that face transplant, how is her new face expexted to look?

A: Like her old one B: Like the donors C: A hybrid D: Neither

HALL OF SHAME Class. Pure class.

1

don’t need to do. Now, the film’s supposed to be unrealistic.

T2, it seems, lends itself as a metaphor for the virtue of simplicity and limitation. Take, for example, the White Stripes, they used to be great and had very strict rules about how many instruments they could use and the like, now they’ve gone all funny and are practically awful prog crooners. Or mobile phones, I like the ones that just ring and text and aren’t also cameras and cars. Or chip shop curry sauce without awful soggy puke raisins. Or Jim Thompson, he didn’t need to use big words. That said James Joyce is pretty good, his writing was a bit prog, but he was a genius, and, besides, I’m not talking fundamentals here, just good ideas.

Colm Loughlin

10 11

12

answers:

?

ly work in T1 does. T2 has liberated itself from its predecessor’s pretensions, and is committed to one thing; being completely ludicrous. T1 had all manner of of sub-plots - corruption exposes, pseudo-philosophical life rules and romance. Meaning that whenever there’s a sequence of Statham winning impossible fights where everyone he’s fighting takes it in turns, and he can cheat gravity, machine guns and death - it seems rubbish and desperately unrealistic: We are supposed to be taking this thing seriously, after all.

T2, conversely, is one-eyed ; one long implausible fight sequence where Statham pretty much has super powers - held together with the weakest and most irrelevant of kidnapping plots. And it works, the film makers have concentrated on what they can do, rather than what they can’t and

13

14

15

1.D, 2.A, 3.B, 4.C

I

went to see Transporter 2 the other week when I was in London, I’ve seen Transporter 1 too, it’s not a good film, all plot holes, bad acting and ill-formed characters - an English bloke who’s good at driving and fighting (Jason Statham) and some foreigners; either foxy vixens or sinister organised criminals.

Remember when sinister organised criminals in films were all deranged Brits? That was funny, but not as funny as the Family Guy where there’s an English theme pub full of Englishmen in blazers with horrible huge teeth and incomprehensibly plummy accents. Personally I have pretty good teeth, I’m not English, mind, which makes you think...

Transporter 2, however, is much better (still not actually good, though).

Suddenly, all the stuff that didn’t real-

SU DOKU:

16

17

18

19 21

20 22

23

24

25

26 28

31

29

27

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32 33

34

Some post-match drinks.

Relax, they’re only straws.

ACROSS 1 Radioactive debris 5 Humid 8 Simian creature 9 Having sharp features 10 Howls 11 Take part in winter sport 12 Peel 15 Bolt’s counterpart 16 Talking monotonously 18 The deep 21 Brandy measure 23 Player of a large stringed instrument 25 Flat bodied fish 26 Stiffly formal 28 Sporting trophy 31 Letter which is not a consonant 32 Reward too highly 33 Large antelope 34 Substantial, firm 35 Country of South America, capital Quito

35

DOWN 1 Special aptitude 2 Story handed down from the past 3 Painting medium 4 Covers with bitumen 5 Caterwauling 6 Shines, flashes 7 Islamic face cover 13 Free from water 14 Patella’s location 17 Invalid 19 Goes without food 20 Venomous serpent 22 Plasterer’s tool 23 Pedalled 24 Three-legged support 27 Head of municipal corporstion 29 Jab with a finger 30 Choice of dishes in a restaurant

‘Scopes & Jobs

Page 32

December 5 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Helping the needy with Crystal Pants

ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 This week you will note the similarities between cars entering a busy roundabout and a large automatic weapon. Unfortunately the police are uninterested in your repeated reports of shootings on the way to work, and your impressive duck and cover reactions cause 3 serious crashes killing a school child. "If only you'd listened," wags your finger.

TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21

This week you'll live inside the tower of your computer. Dressed in electric coloured clothes and a face that bears nothing but determination, you run messages back and forth between the keyboard and tower. Soon enough promotion occurs and you're telling the monitor what to do- you become a popular electrical signal and often go down the pub/have eclectic conversation with the dyslexic signals/charge. This feels right.

GEMINI - May 22 - Jun 22

SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22

You will take up the Tuba and play it at unsociable hours in the morning.

How you and your wife will laugh at the mischief you cause to the man your wife had repeated sex with.

Hurry up and book a holiday involving a plane and death and take that smug rat of a daughter with you.

SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 This week you will purchase a car and a friend called Cunt Face, you will rechristen yourself Mary and together equipped with your talking car, you will change the racist world and fight crime. Heart conditions are especially fatal today, so consider having toast without butter. If you would normally wear your tie with a large kipper, consider changing to an eel and you may find a new colleague will make an unexpected invitation to you that will be beneficial to you both.

You will have a nose bleed this week.

As the blood runs it will solidify forming a giant red trunk, which you will accidentally/entirely on purpose get stuck in your twin's anus. You just like to be close to them. This week your twin finds yet another excuse to delve into the deepest facets of your arse. At least this time they are being more inventive than "I think I saw a sly bagel crawl into your pants, I'll check."

LEO - July 24 - Aug 23 You are lovely. Now to the bad news, this week you will probably find yourself dead.

VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 A cloud formation known as 'inconsideratus bastardius' will be hovering over your head. If you work in an office today, consider moving your desk to a greenhouse and staring at a cactus thinking of warm thoughts. Be sure to drink plenty of water and the warmth you experience will last you for the rest of the day. Those wearing hats should tuck their trainers into their socks today for extra good luck.

LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23 Just like the man who's been cured of HIV you will think you've been cured of your abhorrent ugliness*until you go on the Jeremy Kyle show and he tells you, in no uncertain terms, that you are a terrible human being and if you don't kill yourself and end the plague your face causes on all who look at it then he will do it for you, on live television, whilst a fascist crowd whoop and cheer out of fear he'll turn on them.

Food & Beverage Assistants

Swydd/Job:

Typing/Admin Assistant

Ardal/Area:

Central Cardiff

Ardal/Area:

Pengam Green, Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£5.25ph (dbl time on 25&26 Dec)

Tal/Wage:

£6 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

8 hour shifts on 24,25,26&27Dec

Oriau/Hours:

Variable hours (25 per week)

Parhad/Duration: 24th -27 December inclusive

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing

Manylion/Details: 4 star hotel in city centre

Manylion/Details: Required for typing (MS Word),

requires staff for its Restaurant

data input (MS Access, training

and Banqueting Department

given) and general admin.

over Christmas period.

Typing speeds preferably over 40wpm. Own transport an advantage.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

059

Swydd/Job:

Bar Assistants

Ardal/Area:

Central Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£5.25 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

Various dates during December

Parhad/Duration: 4th December onwards Manylion/Details: 4 star hotel in city centre requires staff for its Bar Department over Christmas and New Year period.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

CANCER - June 23 - July 23 You've had a tough run of it over the last 6 weeks. The stars seem unrelentless in their treatment of you.

They're in a playful mood this week and have relayed your fate using the 'opposites' game, whereby they say the opposite of what they mean. "You will have an excellent week, your house will not burn down, your family will not be mutilated in any way, you will not be alone for ever, you will take long walks in the forest, eat a biscuit and live". So things are looking up huh!

Swydd/Job:

TOAST: Not for Sagittari CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 You will get a job testing 'Death Blood Kill Shit 6' on the PS2, and realise that you've not been getting past level 2 because you forgot to scratch your chin; the enemy always senses an itchy chin and shoots you in the arse. Meanwhile you lose the majority of your identity, friends, and ability to view sunlight and look at people without imagining a big hole in them.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

061

Staying in Cardiff over Christmas?

Unistaff Jobshop is taking names of students who will be here over the vacation and who wish to work.

Please give us a call or stop by anytime between 10am and 4pm

060

UNISTAFF JOBSHOP is a great FREE service for students. We are here to help you find part-time work while you study. Work is available within the University and Students' Union as well as with local companies. You can choose from one-off assignments or more regular part-time work. Once registered with us, you will receive regular free updates of new vacancies as they come in via email. The Jobshop is based on the ground floor of the Students' Union (opening hours 10am-4pm Monday-Friday).

Telephone: 029 20781535, Email: jobshop@cf.ac.uk

Car Owner Drivers Required

AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 This week Daniel O'Donnell shows he is 'salt of the earth' as he joins our nations finest and becomes a binman. Instead of collecting rubbish Daniel and his elderly minions empty refuse sack after refuse sack into our oceans, and children's mouths.Thus single-handedly killing off all penguins and breeding a generation of litter-mouthed youths for him to complain about to the old folk at his concerts. Naughty Daniel.

PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Confusion muddles the sky for you this week as the new moon of*dog (?) enters the field of the sun.

Unaware of a loitering television crew, you will say "Ooh I feel mighty stressed, some incense burning will calm my nerves". The nation mishears and thinks you are heading home to burn incest. Every person who's found sexual solace in a sibling will come a-knocking and burn effigies of your naked body before going ahead and burning the real naked you.

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Jobs & Money

December 5 2005

Page 33

jobs@gairrhydd.com

The true cost of employment

Part-time work lowers grades, says new research

By Nicola Menage Jobs & Money Editor

W

orking part-time during your degree has been shown to have a detrimental effect on the quality of work produced by students new research suggests.

The survey, commissioned by the Higher Education Funding Council for England and Universities UK, questioned 1,500 final-year students from seven universities across the UK. The survey revealed that when working 15 hours a week, the odds of students gaining a first class or upper second degree were found to be 62% to that of similar non-working peers.

Working students tended to come from more disadvantaged backgrounds, and almost 70% of those who took part said they were struggling financially. Three quarters were also concerned about paying back their debts.

Half of those surveyed were combining paid work with their studies and half were focusing solely on their academic work.

Comparisons of students considered to be of a similar ability found those in employment tended to be awarded lower marks in assignments and were less likely to gain the higher classes of degree.

Researchers also noted the trend towards women and ethnic minority groups undertaking more part-time work.

The working students themselves felt their studies suffered as a result of their employment.

More than 80% said that they spent

less time studying because of their term-time jobs and nearly three-quarters spent less time preparing their assignments.

Professor Claire Callender from London South Bank University, one of the authors of the report, said there was also evidence that working students were losing out on social and leisure activities.

"Some students' university experience is of a very different calibre to others," Professor Callender told the BBC News website.

"The implications are far-reaching.

Overall, the vast majority worked because of financial need.

"The longer hours they worked, the more detrimental the impact on their studies."

She commented that attempts to widen participation in higher education focussed on getting people into university but did not examine what happened once they embarked on their university career.

"The key concern is that this is an issue that is faced up to and dealt with," she said.

Shadow skills minister Stephen O'Brien said: "The damaging effect of students working more hours at university was just one of the many concerns raised before Labour introduced tuition fees.

"It is a serious issue which the government must not duck, despite their usual disclaimers of responsibility."

Liberal Democrat education spokesman Edward Davey said: "This report is bad news for the government's tuition fees policy."

Higher education minister Bill Rammell, however, said the study did

PIGGY: Gone are the days when banking was this easy not reflect the impact of the new student financial package in which students will not have to pay until they have finished studying and are earning over £15,000.

"With the reintroduction of grants worth £2,700 a year and bursaries offered by many universities, students should need to find less cash to support IS FOR ABACUS - These are themselves while they are studying," not used in banks anymore he said. unfortunately. But check out the "Graduates continue to earn a submaths department, they might have stantial return from their degree and one. we should celebrate this fact."

IS FOR BRANCH - Avoid busy times such as Mondays and Fridays and especially lunchtime.

The banking A-Z

(part 1)

Gill Roberts shows that student banking can be as easy as A,B,C

A

B

IS FOR CREDIT - This allows C you to buy goods and services before you pay for them. Generally

not an advisable route as it is all too easy to accumulate debt.

D

IS FOR DIRECT DEBIT Money is taken out of your account by an organisation. Never assume that because you have a direct debit mistakes will not be made.

E

IS FOR EMPLOYMENT - Sadly, often a necessary step towards keeping your bank balance happy.

section for cheques and that is why building society cheques take so long to clear.

FOR INTERNET BANKING - It IfortISenables you to bank from the comof your own home. Internet

banking has its advantages. For example, it is easy to check balances and daily transactions, plus setting up direct debits.

FOR JOINT BANK ACCOUNT JthanISBestthree not to have one with more names. It is also easier if the joint bankers are with the same bank and, if possible, from the same area.

IS FOR KICK UP A FUSS - Do K this if your bank makes a mistake, as can sometimes happen.

Speak with a representative and make sure the mistake is sorted.

(NB. there is no point asking to look in the vault; they won’t let you.)

IS FOR LOANS - Surely what - Another FindexISnameofFORforthetheFOOTSIE FTSE 100 index, the Lbanks were made for. Education top 100 companies in loans are cheaper than normal loans. the UK.

However, it is the government who provide the student loans.

IS FOR GUARANTEE - It is IS FOR MANAGERS - Choose G used to secure the debts of students by their long-suffering parents. Myour manager carefully. If you are a female student go for an older IS FOR HOWARD - So he let the male who looks like he has been H dogs out and gave you extra. But there forever. He will remember you there are important differences and think of his daughter. He will be between building societies and banks. Building societies use the main four banks (Lloyds, TSB, NatWest, HSBC, Barclays) for a lot of their services but pretend not too.

Often they do not have a clearing

more sympathetic and not be swayed by his sales targets. Student males should go for older women who will feel sorry for you and think you need a good meal.

Page 34

s g n i t Lis

Recommended listings@gairrhydd.com

The modestly amazing gair rhydd This Week: Stadium rockers, a rather thin DJ,

Noise and Confusion

Comedy

@ Jongleurs

@ Millennium Stadium

Thurs 8th Dec

6.30pm/ £15

Sat 10 Dec/12pm

Curitz recommends

I

m not usually one for recommending comedy shows.

Although i love a good giggle (hopefully at someone elses expense); I’d much rather be listening to some sexy man (AKA James Blunt) serenading me on stage. But having been blown away by the reviews the following funnymen have received recently, i felt almost compelled to choose them for my pick this week.

The following four men all have very different styles and backgrounds, which demonstrates the making of a fantasically diverse evening.

Although not exactly what you would call eye-candy, this guys should have the girls wanting to marry them, and they guys wanting

Editors

@ Barfly

Tues 6 Dec 7.30pm / £8 Schmit recommends

Schmit recommends

I

‘ll always remember the day that I found out this gig was taking place: it was also the day I cried.

Noise and Confusion tickets went quicker than a cake left unattended in front of a fat kid, and due to my body not being in the UK at the time, it sold out before I could get a ticket.

I’ve got to say that honestly this looks like being one of the best gigs that will ever be witnessed in Cardiff, with the undeniable talent of stadium rockers, the Foo Fighters, and Brit Pop daddies Oasis.

If that’s not enough for you then the fact that Liverpudlain scallies the Coral are also on the bill, along with Indie-boys, Razorlight.

There will also be plenty more bands announced soon to keep you dribbling with anticipation while you wait for the big guns.

In the last few days The Subways, Nic Armstrong and The Thieves, and Yeti have all been added to the bill, in what looks like being quite literally, a ‘money can’t buy you’ day with some of the world’s best bands.

I always find that a treat that one can enjoy with these type of festivallike gigs, is that usually the band will be doing it as a one-off event,

Just Announced

December 5 2005

and therefore can play a kind of ‘greatest hits’ set rather than simply plugging new albums.

This will be the first visit to the Millennium Stadium for most of these bands, although none will be adverse to the massive crowds that this gig has drawn in.

Oasis have had many a sell-out tour, and the Foos played to a packed C.I.A in recent years.

All I can say is that if you have tickets, then you’re on the ball, and are in for a treat.

P ic k e of th k We e

T

he last few months has seen the Editors progress on the music stage, with an impressive display on their sell-out tour with Franz Ferdinand, that has began to dry the cement on their place as ‘the next big thing’.

The band have followed up this sell-out tour with one of their own, with support coming from the Kooks and Kubichek.

The Editors, formerly known as Snowfield, settled down in Birmingham in the autumn of 2003.

Drawing on their love of early REM, Joy Division and Echo and the Bunnymen, they honed an identifiably English sound focused on the grand themes of love, loss and redemption.

The Kooks who head out on a headline tour in January provide

to be there best mates with quick wit and wacky performance ideas.

Eddy Brimson - Although a comparative newcomer to the circuit, Eddy has been appearing at prestigious venues all over the UK. Pommy Johnson - Extremely popular Aussie comedian who, having conquered his home country, has now brought his live-wire stand-up to Britain. He has also made numerous television and radio appearances, including playing a straight role in Neighbours.

His nostalgic musings are combined with a bit of singing and guitar playing; parodying Bob Dylan, Kurt Cobain and others. He was voted Australian comic of the year 2002.

Simon B Cotter - Canadian comedian described as hysterical and charismatic with a good eye for observation. Winner of Canada's Comedian of the Year Award in 1995 and took the Montreal Just For Laughs Comedy Festival by storm in 2001.

Simon Fox - Simon Fox is one of the most in demand of London's stand ups. TV credits include The Frank Skinner Show, Penn & Teller, Give Us A Clue, The Music Game, Ready Steady Cook, Stab in The Dark, Wogan & Jameson Tonight.

Go on... you know you want to.

an infectious and energetic vibe and fill each song with all the ingredients for a pop gem.

This Brighton four-piece are wowing crowds and making ears prick up nationwide and should be great to catch in an intimate venue of the barfly’s size.

Kubichek make knee-jerking post-rock, and originate from Newcastle, combining snarling vocals, spiky guitars and dirty beats.

As soon as this gig was announced it was bound to attract the attention of the masses, but you don’t need me to tell you about that.

The ticket sales will do that as they sold out within hours, and tickets are currently going for around four times face value on internet auction sites.

Some further tickets have been released in the last week or so for their dates, although most of these have now gone.

If you were lucky enough to have got hold of tickets then you can expect a brilliantly powerful, yet intimate night in the smaller venues that these bands are packing out.

Who knows, you may even catch a glimpse of Edith Boman if you’re lucky, (she’s currently dating Tom from the Editors), as she was recently spotted at the last gig that they did at the Cardiff Barfly.

Shockwaves NME Tour 2006 - Maximo Park / Arctic Monkeys / We Are Scientists / Mystery Jets @ Cardiff Students Union - Sat 11 February. To be honest you will probably have to be holding your tickets already if you want to be going to this gig, as tickets will sell out within hours rather than days. Get there early to catch The Mystery Jets in the prestigious opening slot. £15.50

December 5 2005

Day By Day

Page 35

listings@gairrhydd.com

listings with Schmit and Curitz (newspaper) Editors, and err, Goths .......

Monday05/12 Miss Of The Day Live @ SU Cradle of Filth. Unless you have a fetish for goths or weird sex dreams, I’d strongly advise staying in with an elderly relative and knitting. 7pm. £14.

Tuesday06/12

Comedy Club @ CF10, SU It really is rather funny. 8-11pm. £4 NUS Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Editors / The Kooks/ Kubichek. Drawing on their love of early REM, Joy Division and Echo and the Bunnymen, Editors honed an identifiably English sound focused on the grand themes of love, loss and redemption See facing page for further details .

7.30pm £8 adv.

Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

X Factory @ The Taf Legendary X-press DJs. 9pm-1am FREE On the Side @ Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. and more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer.

I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger There are five rooms, five bars, one dance arena, a VIP lounge a live funk band and drinks promotions. 9.30pm. £3/4 NUS. Uberalles@ Buffalo Bar The latest rock and indie tunes. 9pm - 2am. £2/3.

Live @ CIA The 40th Anniversary Tour: Status Quo. Legendary three-chord maestros who have been rockin' all over the world for over 35 years. 7.30pm £28.50.

Theatre @ New Theatre The Lady Salsa Dancers: Cuban style and Rueda dance. Should be a laugh, and possibly a chance to salsa your arse off in the comfort and safety of knowing everyone around you looks just as stupid. £7.

Soul Motion@Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Once upon a time... (No, that's not right) A long time ago, in a galaxy... (That's not right either) Many years ago (somewhere in 198?), Cardiff University Rock Society started a small rock disco... 9pm. £2.50.

Live @ Barfly Bleed The Dream / Covergirl / My Little Murder 7.30pm £5.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Halflight/ Lone Pine/ Briwsion/ Dopamine.

Former member of Jylt, singer/songwriter Sarah Howells with her own project.

Covering the spectrum from hushed alt. country to raucous rock 'n' roll and already drawing press comparisons to Wilco, The Jayhawks and Whiskeytown, but with a sound also steeped in the traditions of classic rock acts like The Stones, Led Zep, Crazy Horse and The Doors. 8pm £5.

Live @ Buffalo Bar Hank & Lily. 8pm.

Theatre @ Sherman The Selfish Giant. A production of Oscar Wilde’s classic. From £5. Times vary.

Friday09/12

Saturday10/12

Fat Friday @ Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4.

Mad4It! @ Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever. 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Audio Velvet @ Buffalo Bar Weekly party action of new music mixed with beat driven mayhem from the past, present and future. 8pm. £2/3.

Beneath the Surface @ Clwb Ifor Bach Boom In The Diamond Industry / Esoterica.

Clwb favourites Boom In The Diamond Industry will be headlining this week's Beneath The Surface. 8pm. £5.

Live @ Barfly SAL / Lear / Mea. SAL is the new Welsh band phenomenon – simple as that. A four-piece rock/punk outfit, they kick out with energetic, emotional and incredibly catchy songs that still retain a keen edge, 7.30pm. £4.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Andy C. Silent Running's sometime resident Andy C returns for their blow-out Christmas bash. 10pm. £10.

Live @ C.I.A David Gray. Well-crafted, emotional and mature pop. 6.30pm. £25 Live @ The Point Whole Lotta Lead. 7.30pm. £12.

Comedy @ Jongleurs The usual drinks, food, and laughs. 7pm. £8.

Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul and fun Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday.

9pm - 2am.

Delinquent @ Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) £4/3 10pm – 2.30am.

Bar Lamerica @ Cantaloop Resident DJs. 9pm. £FREE for VIPs. Bogiez @ Point Student rock night. 9pm. £4.

Pick Of The Day Noise and Confusion @ Millennium Stadium This is going to be orgasmic. I don’t have a ticket, can someone give me one please?

See facing page for further details.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Acwst-O-Rama Presents Meic Stevens & band Saturday. Dubbed "the Welsh Bob Dylan", Pembrokeshire native Meic Stevens is perhaps the defining figure in Welsh-language music, a '60s survivor who went on to inspire a new wave of Welsh musicians. 7.30pm. £5.

Live @ Barfly Mountains And Hills / Anna-O / Splinter 7.30pm. £ 4.

Wednesday07/12

Live @ CF10 Skinnyman / HumurakD Gritty / DJ Killer Tomato £7.

Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. As always. 10pm £3.

Indie Kids Die In Hot Bars @ Barfly Featuring the latest and greatest new music, live acts and guest DJ’s. The team behind Fly Swatter bring you Indie Kids Die in Hot Bars.

10.30pm £4.

Material @ Moloko Weekly night of left field disco, new wave and punk funk fused with the best of the new 80's influenced tunes. 8pm/2am. £Free.

Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music: aucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3.

Pick Of The Day Live @ The Thistle Hotel Abbagirls. The original Abba tribute duo established in 1995 to bring the sounds and harmonies to venues that do not have the room for a full band. They have played in 15 different countries both to audiences of 80,000 and those in the local village halls as well as live appearances on television. Just one question... Why?!?! For times and more info please call venue. It won’t cost you a lot of money money money......

Live @ Barfly Mastodon/ High On Fire/ Bloodsimple/ Withered. Bloodsimple are a band made up of musicians from various backgrounds, including a jazz and classical guitarist and two members of Vision Of Disorder. Together the five piece make a confident and aggresive sound that never fails to surprise. High On Fire are a ferocious Viking black metal band. Please note that this gig has now SOLD OUT. (That means there are no longer tickets available).

Sunday11/12 Pick Of The Day Hip Hound Lounge @ CF10 Lead by Andy Farquharson, the Cardiff University Big Band take over CF10 this Sunday, with a varied repertoire of classic big band favourites and arrangements of some well chosen popular hits. The Big Band is made up entirely of Cardiff University students so come along and show your support. Expect a big big sound and a whole lot of fun. 8pm. £3 (£2 Jazz Soc members).

Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case, the wrong ones.

MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

Pub Quiz @ Woodville Yet another Sunday night quiz to ponder over. 7pm.

Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1.

The Hop @ Buffalo Bar Cult 50s film, drive-in themes, weekly buffet, extra large milkshake cocktails. 8pm. £2/3.

Live @ Barfly Envy and Other Sins / Prisoners Of The Sun / Supergene. Envy and Other Sins like to make their audience feel part of something a little bit different, and in true eccentric-cumPythonic fashion they do just that, prancing about in full Victorian dress (as their fictional personas no less) on a stage strewn with random props and fairy lights 7.30pm. £5 South Wales Benefit @ Clwb Ifor Bach South Wales Benefit All-dayer No.5 Christmas Bash 2005. All proceeds go to Medecins Sans Frontieres. Bands include Abandon Ship / The Take / TV Party / Panel / Captain Insano. 2pm. £5.

The Fourth Chair @ The Social Improvised comedy entertainment.7.30pm. £FREE.

Thursday08/12

Devious @ Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese.

Does exactly what it say on the tin, with drinks being cheaper than a bag of McCains. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night.

And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late.

Tonight - High Contrast / Haze and Focus / Paul B / Parker. 8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Clubnight @ La Tropicana Hip Hop and R &B student night. 10pm.

Cookie Puss @ Buffalo Bar The real deal mix of non re-issue funk 45s, soul melodies, afro, freakbeat and a nice bit of jazz.

9pm. £2/3.

Loco @ La Tantra Open until 4am.

Raise the Roof @ Journeys (1-2 Upper Clifton St) New and local live music - different genres each week.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Jongleurs Comedy Club Simon Fox, Eddy Brimson, Simon B Cotter, Pommy Johnson. See facing page.

Live @ Barfly Adzuki / Second Monday / Aprilrise. Second Monday have signed to Lockjaw Records.

They are stupidly young and amazingly good south coast of England rockers, and have finished a mini-album with producer Ray Ribberts.

7.30pm £5 Live @ The Point The Sensational Alex Harvey Band. In the early 70s, SAHB had a reputation as the best live band in the UK. Eventually his hard livin' lifestyle caught up with him and he suffered a heart attack and died. SAHB are now back on the road with guest vocalists. 7.30pm £15

VENUES Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com

IMG Sport

Page 36

December 5 2005

weloveimg@gairrhydd.com

THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST IMG NETBALL menon on the match TABLES ROUND 7 Dave Menon delivers his verdict on another week of IMG madness

NETBALL

IMG Netball

Group One P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Socsi A

7

6

0

1

103

18

2

Stringfellows A

7

5

0

2

-3

15

3

Medics A =

6

4

0

2

25

12

4

English Soc

7

4

0

3

8

12

5

Christian Union

7

3

1

3

4

10

6

Socsi B =

6

2

1

3

-24

7

7

Medics B

7

2

0

5

-33

6

8

Pharmacy B

7

1

0

6

-74

3

IMG Netball 1

Cardiff B =

Group Two P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

5

5

0

0

77

15

2

Dynamo Tigers

6

3

0

3

4

9

3

SAWSA

6

3

0

3

-2

9

4

Chem Soc

6

3

0

3

-14

9

5

German Soc

6

3

0

3

-37

9

6

Law B *

6

3

0

3

25

6

7

Engin Girls

6

1

0

5

-60

3

8

Optometry **=

5

2

0

3

7

0

IMG Netball

Group Three W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Cardiff A

6

6

0

0

121

18

2

Carbs A

6

4

0

2

68

12

3

Carbs B =

5

3

0

2

-5

9

4

Economics

6

3

0

3

-14

9

5

Pharmacy A

6

3

0

3

-20

9

6

Law A

6

2

0

4

-25

6

7

Gym Gym *=

5

2

0

3

-67

3

8

Stringfellows B

6

0

0

6

-58

0

FOOTBALL

NUMBER OF GOALS: 134 Goals, 19.14 Goals per game.

GOLDEN GIRLS: Socsi A again with 29 goals.

SURPRISE PACKAGE: Engin Girls recorded their first win against SAWSA. Great stuff.

EPIC GAME: SAWSA v Engin Girls, the tightest game on show.

CONSISTENT PERFORMER: Socsi A, six wins out of seven and 100+ goal difference. Brilliant.

TEAM OF THE WEEK: It has got to be Engin Girls. After losing five in a row, it is no easy task to be motivated and win.

NUMBER OF GOALS: 102 Goals, 6.375 goals per game.

WHIPPING BOYS: Dental got another kick in the teeth.

SURPRISE PACKAGE: Real Madras scored twice and only conceded six. That’s more like it!

EPIC GAME: Ab. Fantastic v Momed, a thrilling 1-1 draw by all accounts.

CONSISTENT PERFORMERS: Arse’Alona and Economics continue to lead the way. Well done lads.

TEAMS OF THE WEEK: History for scoring eleven and Cardiff Uni for a tremendous fightback against high-flying Zoology

IMG Football

IMG Netball Results

IMG Football Results

IMG Football

German Soc Chem Soc Cardiff B SAWSA

-

Law B Dynamo Tigers Engin Girls Optometry

Socsi A 29 Ch. Union 23 English Soc 7 Socsi B 7

-

German Soc 3 Chem Soc 4 Cardiff B SAWSA 2

- 17 Dyn. Tigers - 17 Law B - Optometry - 5 Engin Girls

2 S’fellows A 5 Medics A 13 Medics B 0 Pharmacy B

IMG Netball Fixtures

P

Sat 3 Dec Economics S’fellows B Gym Gym Carbs A

v v v v

Carbs B Cardiff A Law A Pharmacy A

THERE ARE NO MORE NETBALL FIXTURES IN THE AUTUMN SEMESTER. THE SECOND PHASE WILL BEGIN IN SPRING. WE APOLOGISE THAT SOME RESULTS HAVE NOT BEEN PRINTED. COMPLETE TABLES WILL BE PRINTED NEXT WEEK.

Law A Japsoc Zoology AFC Euros

6 1 2 6

-

1 2 5 2

Psycho Ath. Automotive Cardiff Uni Real Madras

Chem Soc Economics AFC Cathays Real Havana

2 3 1 5

-

1 1 2 0

Myg Myg Gym Gym Dragons Inter Me-Nan

Plan’kos Arse’Alona Ab Fantastic Dynamo Cen.

1 5 1 6

-

8 3 1 2

Hurricanes Architecture AFC Momed Pharm AC

JOMEC 3 Locomotive 9 English Soc 2 AFC History 11

-

5 0 5 0

Carbs Euros Lang Law B Dental Utd

IMG Football Fixtures Real Madras Automotive Zoology Law A

v v v v

Cardiff Uni Psycho Ath. Japsoc AFC Euros

Gym Gym Myg Myg Real Havana AFC Cathays

v v v v

Inter Me-Nan Dragons Chem Soc Economics

Hurricanes Architecture Ab Fantastic Dynamo Cen.

v v v v

AFC Momed Pharm AC Arse’Alona Plan’kos

Dental Utd Law B Locomotive JOMEC

v v v v

Euros Lang Carbs English Soc AFC History

UNI FIGHT BACK THE REAL DEAL

By Daniel Cripwell IMG Reporter A SUPERB recovery from Cardiff Uni ended Zoology’s unbeaten run and increased the tension at the top of Group One. On a surprisingly muddy pitch, both teams produced early bursts of pressure deep in opposing territory.

This early pressure paid off for Zoology as a long throw into the box was met by a well directed Tom Crowther header.

Zoology made it 2-0 moments later as midfielder Tom Wilkinson scored a long-range effort from 35 yards out.

Both teams continued to create chances and Cardiff almost pulled a goal back when midfielder Phil Craske forced a good save from Zoology goalkeeper Dom Smith.

IMG FOOTBALL ROUND 5 TABLES

The continued pressure proved to be profitable as Cardiff pulled a goal back in the 23rd minute.

‘Stevie G’ slotted home thanks to some sloppy Zoology defending.

As the game progressed into a midfield battle, another Zoology defensive error allowed Cardiff player Waleed Bakali to lob the appoaching Smith and level the match.

In the second half Cardiff continued to dominate and it was no surprise when Ash Manning tapped in a third to make the comeback complete.

Zoology responded well and began to push forward in search of an equaliser.

Despite Zoology’s improvement, Cardiff made the score 4-2 thanks to a Craske strike.

The outcome was soon put beyond doubt as Balaki scored his second, and Cardiff’s fifth, goal.

By John Crawford IMG Reporter

REAL HAVANA notched their best result and first clean sheet of the season as they swept aside a spirited Inter Me-Nan 5-0.

Without influential midfielder Philip Hall, Havana looked nervy at times, as both teams struggled to stamp their authority on the game.

The breakthrough came midway through the first period.

Havana’s Davide Thambithurai, showing typical Italian flair, swivelled superbly in the box before finding the corner.

Despite this setback, Inter Me-Nan continued to frustrate Havana, despite man-of-thematch Matthew Hoare’s best efforts on the right side.

The second half began in similarly scrappy fashion but

Havana soon doubled their lead.

Chris Long latched onto a clever pass from Mark Kingston to calmly stroke home.

Havana then took control of proceedings, as a disheartened Inter Me-Nan struggled to keep up with the pace of the game.

A third goal inevitably followed, as substitute Dan Gornall ran onto a lofted through-ball from centre-back Ricky Pearson before finding the net.

Havana continued to create chances and striker John Crawford went close on many occasions.

Thambithurai added his second and Havana’s fourth, before Amrit Labana made it five with a neat flick from Long’s corner.

After suffering a fifth consecutive defeat, Inter Me-Nan remain bottom of Group Two. Havana move up to fourth.

Group One P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Law A

5

4

0

1

21

12

2

Zoology

5

4

0

1

11

12

3

Cardiff Uni

5

4

0

1

9

12

4

Japsoc

5

2

0

3

4

6

5

AFC Euros

5

2

0

3

1

6

6

Psycho Ath.

5

2

0

3

-3

6

7

Automotive

5

2

0

3

-5

6

8

Real Madras *

5

0

0

5

-36

-3

Group Two P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

5

5

0

0

18

15

1

Economics

2

Chem Soc

5

4

0

1

11

12

3

Gym Gym

5

3

0

2

7

9

4

Real Havana

5

2

1

2

3

7

5

Cardiff Dragons

5

2

1

2

-4

7

6

Myg Myg

5

2

0

3

-5

6

7

AFC Cathays

5

1

0

4

-11

3

8

Inter Me-Nan

5

0

0

5

-19

0

IMG Football

Group Three P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

FC Arse’Alona

5

5

0

0

9

15

2

Dynamo Cen.

5

3

0

2

4

9

3

Ab. Fantastic *

5

3

2

0

9

8

4

AFC Momed

5

3

1

1

7

7

5

Hurricanes

5

2

1

2

5

7

6

Architecture

5

1

0

4

-7

3

7

Pharm AC

5

1

0

4

-13

3

8

Plan’kos

5

0

0

5

-29

0

IMG Football

Group Four P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

5

4

0

1

22

12

1

AFC History

2

Locomotive

5

4

0

1

18

12

3

Carbs

5

4

0

1

15

12

4

Law B

5

2

0

3

3

9

5

English Soc

5

3

0

2

0

6

6

JOMEC

5

2

0

3

-9

3

7

Euros Lang *

5

1

0

4

-11

3

8

Dental Utd

5

0

0

5

-38

0

* Deducted 3 points = No result because team sheet was not handed in after the game

IMG REPORTERS NEEDED If you’re interested, email weloveimg@gairrhydd.com

Sport

December 5 2005

Page 37

sport@gairrhydd.com

Snooker loopy Four Snooker World Champions speak to James Woodroof about the past and the future of the game and, of course, the enigma of Ronnie

By James Woodroof Sport Reporter

By Ed Jones Sport Editor IF THE WINNER of BBC Sports Personality of the Year isn't a fat lad from Preston I'll cry.

Freddie Flintoff has already got his name on the trophy. If Gary Lineker hands it to anyone else it'll be the crime to end all crimes. The man is a legend. He bats, he bowls, he catches, he drinks and most of all, he wins.

What's more, there's no more loveable personality in British sport.

The list of other contenders (ashes heroes aside) makes pathetic reading. Current second-favorite is that bloody MacArthur woman.

Proper sport stars entertain thousands with their flair and endeavor.

That drippy boatwoman's effort was pretty well the most pointless project ever undertaken. I mean honestly, sitting on your own in the middle of nowhere for two and a half months? What a ruddy waste of time. I understand it must have been tough, but for four million quid I'd have gone myself.

We're happy to moan about overpaid footballers selling out but MacArthur's rewards are completely ignored. That woman would sell the names of her own children to the highest bidder. I can hear her now: “If it's a boy, we're naming him Hallfords and Homebase if it's a girl”. Alcoholic or not, if there was any justice, George Best would still be alive and Ellen MacArthur would've been lost at sea aboard the Good Ship B & Q. Shane Warne is strong favorite for the international award. Quite right too. Sure, he's made his mistakes, but what outspoken, maverick, cocky, heavy-drinking, womanizing genius hasn't? The performances he produced, in presumably his last ashes in Mother England were remarkable. His craft and charisma are unmatched in the game.

With both Flintoff and Warne, it's cracking to see exceptionally gifted sportsmen with some personality collecting the awards. Recent winners include Michael Owen (monotone), Johnny Wilkinson (dull), Paula Ratcliffe (whiney) and David Beckham (stupid). They're all achievers for sure, but don't expect to see An Evening With… any of that lot on ITV. Finally, I’d like to congratulate everyone who took part in the AU Slave Auction. It’s always a highlight but this year it was better than I can remember. All the acts were fantastic and the spirit was spot on.

Many thanks to Lisa Gwinnett and Hannah Smith for putting on a cracking night. If I ever see another mangina again it’ll be too soon.

PUNTERS AND FANS alike huddle into BETFRED bookmakers to meet the six-time World Champion Steve ‘the Nugget’ Davis. He arrives fashionably late (nearly an hour), and looks like a man without a worry in the world. Tonight, he faces Ding Jun Hui in the Premier League and needs a big win to give him a chance of qualifying for the semi-finals.

After relieving himself and polishing off a cuppa, Steve is amiable with the fans, reminiscing about his glory days when his hair was slightly more colourful. A tramp hugs him and chants “You’re number 1” at the Nugget. Steve brushes off the admiration with quick wit and charm.

The mid-eighties were the ‘Nugget’s’ twilight years, the happiest of which was his 18-3 World Championship win over John Parrott in 1989, and his worst was his nail-biting final against Dennis Taylor in 1985, which he lost in the final frame in front of 18.5 million viewers.

Davis has enjoyed an amazing few years. After dropping to an all-timelow 25th in the world, he has started to enjoy snooker again and now stands provisionally at seventh in the world.

When people started writing him off, he said: “I just got on with it. I never thought it was the end for me.

“I don’t really have aspirations anymore, I’m just enjoying it. Enjoying it is my best chance of doing well”.

Steve has been in the snooker news recently for not turning up to a China Open qualifier against Ricky Walden, which he describes as “an oversight”.

However, it’s not a big deal for the sixtime World Champion: “To be honest, if I had to choose an event to miss, it would be that one”. Last year’s China Open didn’t go too well for Davis

DAVIES: Charismatic

either, “I nutted a door before my game so I had to pull out of that one too!” That game was also against Walden, “He must think I don’t want to play him!”

Steve accompanies me to St. Davids Hall where tonight’s event takes place.

Ronnie O’Sullivan faces the current World Champion and world number 5, Shaun Murphy. Murphy was 150-1 outsider to win the World Championship last summer, but win it he did – in front of nearly 8 million viewers.

Murphy speaks elegantly and confidently, wise beyond his 23 years. “The atmosphere in the final was electric. I loved every minute.” That night, he played with aggression and style, overcoming the far more experienced Matthew Stevens. For a man of so few years’ experience, I ask how he coped with the pressure; “I’ve always taken things in my stride. I don’t get fazed that easily.” Looking back on that incredible victory, he mused: “Every time I watch the final, I shout ‘Don’t go for that shot!’ But at the time, they were the right shots to play.”

Murphy has joined the elite company of past World Champions, such as Stephen Hendry, Steve Davis and Ronnie O’Sullivan, all of whom are in action tonight. “Being World Champion has put massive expectation on my shoulders. I wake up every morning looking at the trophy, but I’m still the same lad and the same player.”

Shortly, he faces the most naturally gifted player in the history of the game, Rocket Ronnie. “I’ll learn more in the six frames tonight than six hours on my own. Even if I lose, I’ll get the chance to watch the best snooker player in the world up close.”

He is treated to a Rocket master class, who brushes the new kid on the block aside with consummate ease, 51. Davis beat Ding 4-2 and will face Rocket in the semi-final of the Premier

O’SULLIVAN: Maverick League in Manchester next week.

Steve and I chat about Ronnie’s reported decision to ditch snooker to play 8-ball pool in America. Steve describes the story as “bollocks”: “We’re not losing Ronnie. A guy in America thinks 8-ball pool is the future. Very quickly he’ll realise it won’t make him any money and he’ll pull the plug on it after one season, if that. So effectively Ronnie will be going out for a holiday a couple of times a year, but we’re not losing him - he’s not going anywhere.” That must be music to the ears of snooker fans.

Stephen Hendry, seven-time World Champion and Ronnie’s biggest rival in the game, added: “Ronnie needs fresh challenges and stimulation because he gets bored easily.”

O’Sullivan has the world at his feet, but still appears depressed. Recently he was booed after making some “depressing comments” about snooker.

Davis was surprised at the reaction, but understood where the fans were coming from: “He got booed because the fans love snooker, and they want him to love it too”.

“Ronnie is an absolute joy to watch at whatever he does – be it right or left handed – he adds to everything he is involved in. If he does go to America, pool should count its blessings because it’s getting a very good package” added Murphy.

Murphy would not jump at the chance to play pool, saying “It’s not for me.” Welsh wizard Mark Williams is also unconvinced about the switch: “I can’t even play snooker at the moment.”

With the evening’s games out of the way, we chat about the current financial difficulties plaguing world snooker. Since losing the sponsorship of Embassy due to a government ban on tobacco advertising, the governing body has cut the number of events from eight to six this season. Davis describes the situation as “very worry-

ing.” He says: “It’s like being a parttimer. I treat snooker like a hobby now.”

In addition to the tournament cut, prize money for some events has been halved. O’Sullivan said he feels “exploited by some of the prize funds on offer.” While many would kill for £11,000 first prize (Malta Cup), the game’s greatest ever player, Stephen Hendry, thinks that amount devalues the sport: “We’re used to much bigger prizes, it’s a troubling situation.”

If prize money is ‘troubling’ for the game’s elite, what is it for those outside the top 32? Steve Davis doesn’t envy their situation: “They face some tough decisions whether snooker is financially viable for the rest of their lives.”

Shaun Murphy revealed that he was in a similar position last year before his historic victory: “It’s tough. I considered my future in the game, when I was playing well but couldn’t qualify.

I was coming home to my fiancée and a pile of bills that needed paying. But the nature of sport is that only a few will succeed. Those who are willing to put themselves on the line will reap the rewards.”

Murphy remains optimistic: “The future of the game is in good hands.

We’ve been through bleak times, but I’m confident snooker will go through a massive turn-around and become the global sport it deserves to be.”

Can snooker survive in today’s sporting world? Without a main sponsor, snooker faces some tough times.

The governing body recently announced £1.2million profits for last year, but this came at a cost of cutting both tournaments and prize money.

However, the games best loved characters: Ronnie, Jimmy, Nugget and Hendry, could once again, be the game’s saving grace.

The BETFRED Premier Snooker League continues on Sky Sports 2, 7pm December 3.

Sport

Page 38

December 5 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

GLAM ROCKED

Cardiff 1st XI Glamorgan 1st XI

3 2

CARDIFF 1ST XI beat their closest rivals Glamorgan on Wednesday to put them six points clear at the top of the BUSA table. For the fourth time this season the scoreline finished 3-2 to Cardiff.

Cardiff made an impressive start to the game as they managed to create no less than four chances to score in the first ten minutes. The first of these saw Eifion Roberts being caught offside after some slick passing let the pacey striker burst into the box.

Roberts had three more chances in the early stages, one shot being cleared off the line and two more that he should have put away. Despite this early frustration, Cardiff continued to play well with direct passing seeing them break well and enabling them to get quickly ito the box.

On 19 minutes, Roberts finally got on the scoresheet as he connected with a cross from left-winger Dom Conner. His shot was almost cleared off the line but the hapless Glamorgan defender was only able to kick it into the goal netting. Just a minute later Cardiff were two goals ahead after a cross from midfielder Toan Ravenscroft was headed into the goal

by fellow midfielder and top-scorer Mark Lucas.

Cardiff were very much on top and playing excellent passing football and challenging for every ball. A goalkeeping error on thirty-three minutes gave Glamorgan a goal and the hope of getting back into the game. Luca Medicsagoni failed to clear a ball properly and saw the ball fall to an

opposition player five yards from the centre spot.

With Medicsagoni well out of position the Glamorgan player did well to finish from about 40 yards out.

The first half finished 2-1 and Cardiff, while happy with most of their play, were frustrated that Glamorgan’s goal had given the opposition a psychological lift.

EASY: Cardiff on top form

SHINING BRIGHT Cardiff 1st Netball Brighton 1st Netball

55 46

CARDIFF OUTCLASSED an inferior Brighton team 55-46. The only surprise in the score was that Cardiff didn’t win by more. Cardiff took control and the lead early and would never lose either throughout the game, save for a slightly uncertain third quarter.

Behind Cardiff’s dominance in the first half was their speed going forwards, controlled by centre and captain Carys Jenkins. Jenkins pushed the ball around quickly and confidently, always finding the attackers accurately, making their job much easier.

The shooting of Sophie Vaughn and Rosie Buse was accomplished enough to make the most of the chances created for them by the players behind.

The story in the first half was completely different for Brighton. The ball was going astray far too often and they were plagued by silly mistakes.

Foot and contact infringements both cost them rhythm, their centre being a major culprit, over-stepping on the restarts four times costing them possession.

Cardiff finished the first quarter

17-12 ahead and the first half with an advantage of 35-22. Dominating the game their half time was a relaxed affair and due to the advantage they decided to change things around, bringing on Sophie Armstrong for the outstanding Jenkins. It could have cost them.

In the third quarter Cardiff’s dominance ebbed away and Brighton spent long periods pressuring the Cardiff PHOTO: CHARIS SIMSPON

By Paul Hunt Netball Reporter

They were also well aware of their previous record of letting sides back into the game needlessly.

Cardiff remained dominant at the beginning of the second half but were very fortunate not to give away a penalty. This was due to a rash slide tackle inside the box from centre back Andy Wylde which caught the opposition striker on his boot. Despite

PHOTO: DAN GODDARD

By Steve Myerscough Football reporter

ON TARGET: Sharp shooting

net. But thanks again to lacklustre shooting by Brighton and good defending by Sarah Wreford and Becky Oatly, who both made many telling interceptions and blocks, the score was kept down.

Behind Cardiff’s dominance was their speed going forward The Cardiff coaches might worry about the dependence on their captain, as Brighton reduced a deficit of 13 to only 6, 42-36 behind.

Normal service was resumed in the final quarter as Jenkins returned to steady the ship. Armstrong moved to WA replacing Phillippa Turner helping Cardiff regain control.

The game petered out half way through the final quarter as Brighton realised they weren’t going to win, but Cardiff tried to maintain some pace.

They won the final quarter as they did the other quarters in which their captain played and will be pleased with the performance as well as the result.

protests from the Glamorgan players, the referee surprisingly was not interested.

Cardiff’s two goal cushion was

Cardiff remained dominant throughout the match

restored in 82 minutes, as Roberts, later declared man-of-the-match, managed to round the keeper before taking his time to finish into the empty net. Again, the goal was followed by another a minute later, but this time the goal was for Glamorgan; a penalty after Nick Bowker was adjudged to have handballed.

Glamorgan never looked like scoring again and Cardiff maintained their ascendancy till the final whistle. The game finished with a score line that barely reflected Cardiff’s true dominance of the game.

The result leaves Cardiff six points clear at the top with only three games left to play. Captain Mark Lucas was understandably happy with the teams performance, “that was probably the best we’ve played all season.” Centreback Wylde added that “everyone in the team is looking forward to the last three games.”

PLENTY TO CHEER ABOUT

By Paul Hunt Sports Reporter THE CHEERLEADING squad have had a successful year, coming second in the BCA competition in their first year as a competitive team, and media secretary Natalie Crockett is hoping that people will take them more seriously, ‘Everybody knows the stereotypes about cheerleading but it’s not true, we work really hard and it takes a lot of skill’.

The AU at Cardiff agrees but it’s not the case at every university in the country as many don’t recognise cheerleading as a sport.

After last year’s success funding has gone up for the team but they still struggle with the expenses of competing. The necessity of having a media secretary has come out of this, ‘the publicity we get the more sponsorship we can get, the costumes for the competition cost £3500 alone’ and Natalie is busy with the press at the moment.

For those who know as little as me about cheerleading the four main disciplines in cheerleading are: stunting, cheering, dancing and tum-

bling which I had to get Natalie to explain “stunting is throwing people into the air, cheering is what you see at the American Football games, dancing is mostly jazz and modern commercial stuff, funky and upbeat and tumbling is very similar to that in gymnastics’, indeed most of the girls come from dancing or gymnastics backgrounds.

As well as the competitions the cheerleaders also perform at Cardiff Cobras games on Sunday afternoons and also at special occasions including the varsity game and at the Superbowl party in Walkabout in February for which they are working on special routines.

The cheerleading squad have a social scene much the same as the rest of the team sports in the university, ‘we have socials with the American football team most Wednesdays, although only one or two of the cheerleaders are going out with the American football boys’.

The final thing I wanted to know was whether the reality of cheerleading was similar to the film Bring it on, apparently not, ‘some of the routines are similar but the atmosphere is not as bitchy’.

Sport gair rhydd

INSIDE: Men’s Football, Ladies’ Hockey Netball firsts Pages 38 & 39

PLUS: We talk to four snooker World Champions Page 37

SWEET REVENGE

By Jon Berridge Chief Rugby Reporter Cardiff 1st XV 25 Swansea 1st XV 10

game might be slipping from their grasp.

They pressed forward and registered their first points via a penalty after Cardiff players had come in from the side during a ruck. The half-time score of 14-3 reflected Cardiff’s superiority.

Eastham increased Cardiff’s lead to 17-3 with a penalty. Swansea, facing a fourteen point deficit pressed forward and were rewarded with a try from their fly-half who evaded a series of tackles. The Swansea ten then converted the try to make the score 1710. Swansea had a chance to narrow the gap to four points with a penalty kick but their fly-half missed by a distance.

Tom Eastham, the Cardiff kicker, didn’t miss when presented with an opportunity and slotted over a long distance penalty to widen the gap to 20-10. It was a lead Cardiff thor-

oughly deserved. From the kick-off every home team player played with determination and the utmost commitment. In particular forwards Aaron Fowler, Tim Norris and James Cole excelled in winning and securing a lot of the ball in the fringes. Head coach Martyn Fowler marked the result as the most significant of the season.

With ten minutes remaining Alex Huntly seemed to score another try but was unfortunate to be penalised for a double movement on the try line.

Cardiff continued to press forward in search of further points to make sure of the win. Cardiff then secured the win with their third try via replacement lock Ally Price who was bundled over the line following a forward push to seal an adrenaline-fuelled triumph.

Photo: Dan Goddard

CARDIFF SWEPT aside neighbours Swansea with a dominating display. The win confirms Cardiff’s title credentials and quashes any superiority complex Swansea might believe to have over the home team with the varsity match looming in February.

Cardiff began the match in determined fashion and were rewarded with an early try through centre Alex Huntly who scored after following up his own grubber kick. Tom Eastham converted to give Cardiff a deserved seven point lead. In the early exchanges

Swansea found themselves entrenched in their own 22. A second early try nearly came with Huntly bursting through the Swansea defence only to knock on over the try line after being tackled.

For most of the match, the Swansea lineout was a shambles. They lost eight of their own lineouts. Much of this was due to the preparation work done by Head of Rugby Martyn Fowler who watched the previous Swansea match on DVD meticulously in order to identify weaknesses in their set piece.

Cardiff’s relentless pressure paid dividends with another try on the half-hour mark.

Centre Geoff Hobbs was released by fly-half Sam Burford and off-loaded to full-back Tom Herbert who duly scored. Eastham converted to give Cardiff a much earned 14-0 lead.

Following this score, Swansea, sensed the

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