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Student icon Dr Karl chats with Andrew Mickel about his current tour as well as answering your questions Page 13
ISSUE 803 December 12 2005
CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972
Sport catch up with Grand Slam-winning Welsh rugby star Mike Phillips in the run up to February’s Six Nations Page 37
PRI-MARK OF DISHONOUR By Caroline Farwell News Editor
Is the opening of a new high street superstore in keeping with Cardiff’s Fairtrade status?
PHOTO: Adam Gasson
POPULAR DISCOUNT chain Primark has been rated the least ethical place to buy clothes in Britain - just weeks before the clothing company is set to open its new Cardiff superstore. Judged on criteria such as workers’ rights and relations with oppressive regimes, Primark scored just 2.5 out of 20 on the ethical index that rated leading clothing chains. Marks & Spencer and mk one, who also have stores in Cardiff’s city centre, were ranked second and third worst for ethics in the survey published by Ethical Consumer magazine. The findings come as the student-favourite store is set to open a brand new branch in Cardiff city centre on February 2 next year. The opening of the new store has prompted questions about the city’s official commitments to fair trade. As the world’s first Fairtrade Capital, Cardiff is part of a project that seeks to increase access to and use of fair trade products in the city. Yet the recent findings about Primark, who will have one of the biggest stores on Cardiff’s high street by early next year, haven’t helped the city’s
Fairtrade status. Researchers from Ethical Consumer said that standards were so low among the 27 high street clothing chains surveyed that none of them could be recommended to shoppers with a conscience. “If people shop in Primark because the prices are low then they must be aware that they are low for a reason,” said Ruth Rosselson, a spokeswoman for Ethical Consumer. “And they must start asking questions: ‘Where is this made? How do I know that this was made under good conditions?’ Then the companies will realise that people care.” In its January/February edition, Ethical Consumer criticise the company for not having a code of conduct, selling leather goods and ‘environmentallydamaging’ products and for operating in an oppressive regime (China). Primark has defended its record and said there were a number of inaccuracies in the assessment. A spokesman said that Primark did have a code of conduct for suppliers which is independently audited abroad. He said: “We buy our clothing from pretty much the same range of suppliers and countries as everyone else on the high street. We do buy a lot of clothing from China and that’s something we do and everybody else does as well.”
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At
a glance December 12 2005 News Editorial & Opinion Letters Geordie Interview Health Science/Environment Politics Media Taf Od Grab! Dear Amber Television Five Min Fun Scopes Jobs & Money Listings Sport
1 8 10 11 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 22 23 31 32 33 34 36
EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Por teous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Jane LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN Colm Loughlin SCOPES Christina Lane HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson SUB-EDITORS Catherine Gee, Charlotte White, Holly Marshall PROOF READER Andrew Mickel CONTRIBUTORS Darren Geoghegan, Lindle Markwell, John Tuscany, katie Kennedy, Adam Millward, Christopher Leigh, Caleb Woodridge, Andrew Rennison, Isaac Jones, Wendy Woodhead, James Perou, Lydia James, Jess Anderson, Liz Staubere, Andrew Bladon, Aline Ungewiss, Awen Schiavone, Clare Donnovan, Jack Parsons, Joe Simkins, Rach Owen, Amy Williams, Paul Hayes, Fraser Monroe, George Pawley, Michael, Johnson, James Lamswood, Dan Goddard ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union
RISE IN CITY SECURITY
NUS challenge new Conservative leader
By Darren Geoghegan Reporter
By Caroline Farwell News Editor
THE SECURITY needs of Cardiff city are being considered in the event of a terrorist attack. Cardiff council's economic scrutiny committee is drawing up a plan for the evacuation of the city centre should a terrorist attack happen. City centre managers say meetings have already been held to look at emergency procedures for Cardiff. Chairman Ralph Cook said: “After the London bombings it is crucial to consider the security needs of the city centre in the event of a terrorist incident or perhaps something like a gas explosion. “The police have experience of crowd control but we need something in place so we are prepared if people have to be got out of the area quickly. The police know how to handle crowds but there needs to be a scheme drawn up in the event of a phone
CITY CENTRE: Taking caution call warning a bomb has been planted.” City centre manager Paul Williams said: “There is already an emergency planning committee involving bodies like the police, fire and ambulance services. “This is a live project we need to have in place and is being worked on because you never know what can
Stop the press By John Tuscany Reporter JOURNALISTS HAVE voted for strike action at Cardiff-based newspapers the Western Mail and South Wales Echo. The action comes after owners Trinity Mirror announced 100 job cuts across the UK. Offices in north Wales, Liverpool and Huddersfield are also expecting cuts, and Cardiff
is set to lose ten from its editorial team. The National Union of Journalists (NUJ) are still 'angry' about 15 to 20 losses in Newcastle after a 110-year-old sports title, The Pink, was closed. NUJ general secretary, Jeremy Dear expressed that Trinity was: ‘throwing away its main asset - the skilled editorial staff.’
VC Clarification "The Vice-Chancellor's comments at Senate regarding colleges and future organisation refered to proposals and a consultation exercise. We apologise for giving the impression that a conclusion had been reached. Further discussions on the proposals will take place at the next meeting of Council."
LOCAL FOCUS A soapbox for the views of Cardiff residents What do you think of the student population? The students certainly like to drink a lot and go out - they are real partygoers. But I’d say the majority of them are a pretty friendly bunch. Name: Huw Lansley Location: The Woodville Title: Assistant Manager
PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH
happen. We need a prepared process of evacuation to include organisations like Cardiff Bus.” It is one of almost 20 recommendations drawn up for consideration by the authority's executive members.
THE NATIONAL Union of Students has urged the new leader of the Conservative Party David Cameron to reconsider his support for tuition fees. The organisation also criticised the new leader for his hostility towards widening access to higher education and called on him to provide solutions to the problems of under-funding and poor structures in the Further Education sector. In recent correspondence with N U S , Cameron has admitted that a Conservative CAMERON: ‘Hostile’ government would not pursue continued opposition to variable fees. In a letter to NUS, Cameron was quoted as saying “people should be free to make the choice they want to about pursuing higher education.” NUS Vice-president Education, Julian Nicholds, said: “The impact of any policies on students and potential students must not be underestimated. “We are extremely concerned that access to education will be limited under a Tory government and would urge all parties to rethink their stance on the future of education.”
What do you think attracts students to
the Woodville? I think it’s the atmosphere of this pub. Plus, we’ve got lots of drinks offers, Yellow Card deals, cheap food, the Sunday quiz etc. Also, we try to show as much live sport on the big screens as possible, and we sponsor some of the Cardiff University sports
teams too, eg. swimming and water polo. Have you recently extended your licensing hours? We’re open later on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays now, but we’ll see how it goes. It really all depends on how quiet it is.
How long have you been working at the Woodville? I’ve been here for about three months now. I previously worked as an assistant manager somewhere else. Interview Markwell.
by
Lindle
News
December 12 2005
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Spaced
LADIES IN RED: Doing it for charity
A SOUTH WALES teenager has made her TV debut on a Channel 4 reality TV show. Astrid Roberts, from Tonteg, is taking part in a show that tricks contestants into thinking they have been launched into space. The show, called Space Cadets, will see nine contestants think they are training at a Russian tourism agency, when they are in fact still in the UK at a disused military base. The 19-year-old call-centre worker is part of a group of contestants that include self-confessed pranksters and three actors pretending to be thrill-seeking contestants.
Welsh talent
Merr y-thon By Katie Kennedy Reporter 4,600 SANTA Clauses have run through the streets of Newtown, Powys to raise money for local charities. The festive fun run is the fifth annual event of its kind, and this year has seen the biggest turnout ever. The first Santa Run in 2001 had only 501 runners tackling the 4.5 mile race through the mid-Wales town and Welsh countryside. This year the organisers hope to have beaten the world record for the largest number of Santas yoyoing at the same time, although
the record is yet to be confirmed. Until last year, Newtown held the world record for the world’s biggest Santa gathering, but Brad Pitt headed a similar event in the US which saw 15,000 Santas congregate. The race in Newtown was officially started by Welsh paralympian Dame Tanni GreyThompson. The run is organised by Newtown and District Dial-ARide, which has provided 16,000 free taxis to people with mobility problems this year. Most of the money raised goes to this charity, but Santa runners can also raise money for their chosen charities.
The Father Christmases travelled to attend the race from all over the UK and across the world, including some from Australia, Thailand and Canada. Last year’s run raised £175,000 when 4,260 Santas took part. The 2004 race was slightly overshadowed when there was a street brawl that led to five men being fined with public order offences. Some of the men were wearing Santa outfits, but none of them actually took part in the race. A spokesman for the event said: “We have once again turned the spotlight on Newtown, given it a lift just before Christmas and will have raised a lot of money for a variety of local charities.”
By Adam Millward Reporter WELSH MUSICAL talent was recognised last week at the Pop Factory Awards. Awards went to the Automatic, Jem, the Poppies, Stereophonics and Goldie Lookin’ Chain amongst others. Best Pop Act was scooped by Liberty X, leaving fans of the also-shortlisted Charlotte Church and Jem dismayed. The winners modestly accepted the prize, keen to sing the praises of the two Welsh runners-up: “Charlotte Church is wicked – we particularly loved her first single and Jem’s great, it’s amazing what she’s achieved.” Jem, the Penarth-born star who has made soundtracks for hit American series Six Feet Under and The O.C., received the title of Best Music Export. Best Album went to Feeder, and Japanese bassist Taka Hirose accepted the
award on behalf of the band, paying a touching tribute to former member, the late John Lee. Proud to be known as a Welsh band, he went on to commend the music awards, saying: “Pop Factory has always given us great support.” New Welsh talent also triumphed, with the Poppies taking the award for Best Welsh Language Act and the Automatics winning Best New Act. Automatic’s lead singer said that claiming such a prestigious title was ‘great and interesting’. The Contribution to Music Industry Award went to Dai Davies, a major player in the punk movement, who has worked for the Rolling Stones and David Bowie. To end the ceremony, the award for Outstanding Contribution to Music was scooped by Wales’ original pop idol, Tom Jones, who accepted the accolade while on tour in the US.
Film Friends By Caroline Farwell News Editor FORMER FRIENDS actor David Schwimmer is set to come to Cardiff in the new year to shoot his latest film. Schwimmer will be starring in the first feature film to be backed by the Welsh Assembly Government. He will be starring with Shaun of the Dead star Simon Pegg. The tragic-comedy, Big Nothing, will be shot in the Cardiff area in January and STAR: David Schwimmer
filming will include a studio shoot on a set in an ex-refrigeration plan in Barry. It is the first feature film to be backed by the Assembly's new Wales Creative Intellectual Property Fund. The fund is part of the Assembly's wider Creative Industries Service for Wales initiative, which invests in specific creative industries rather than in companies themselves. Big Nothing, which also features Natacha McElhone and Alice Eve, is expected to be released in autumn next year.
TALENT: Charlotte Church ABOVE: Ceremony
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Sabb team end news@gairrhydd.com
YOU pay the wages of the Union’s Sabbatical team, so nine months
homas nd Benny T ostgraduate a Societies, P icer International Off
few of the socitown which lets atry and drinks and s: ad gr en st e Po fre th es have Working wi postgraduate eti We’ve improved a postgraduate stuff. s: rage for societie th representation wi representative of Greater cove measure this one but Difficult to board. We’re more need now and uptake to the sociwhat postgraduates stgraduate week there is a huge ere is also an . po eties council Ths from 83 to just we’ve planned a r. tie increase in socie flow at the freshfor Easter Semestership: our External sponso onsorship from under 150 and re was up to 14,500. ers’ fay We’ve got sp : Multiculturalism work has some bars in Constitutional the posiplanned to create ficer who tion of cultural of cultural will represent the nts. We interests of stude fighting have also been of this visa charges. On top build on to ed nn pla e ’v we celebrathe Global Village arranged are ich tions wh xt year. for February 26 ne
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Gemma Long
College Presiden t of Humanities a Sciences nd What main comm ifesto have you itments on your man- to impr ov successfully ca out this year? rried out that thee computing facilities, I found Unive In terms of the plan to do this. rsity already had its own Unit, the course Student Development Altho streamlined and re-s on offer have been has not ugh I have complained that this been done lau The unit teaches nched. ing facilities in quick enough, computne w ca ree general are impr r sk ills, for There is example a qualific oving. guage, all for freation in British sign lan- students still a lot for me to do, but for me co e. me St ud fir en st. ts could get these qualification I have an open door s to policy and I will se Next term the un boost their CV. stu de nts e branded in the ho it is going to be re- meeting anytime of the day, if I have a pe I’d tha rat t he the r be fre sh new late so I can talk look will encourag students. to go. I wanted to e more students to als o increase the careers focus of the already had one ca Union, so we’ve will be another ne reers fair and there xt Also the old term. ground floor of thejobshop on the used by the care union is being leaflets and advi ers service for careers service ne ce. Really the more central locatieds to be in a it to have a better on in order for impact. Are there any co mmitments on your manifest have not been ab o that you le to carry out? After I wrote my LON manifesto G: W here it ma tters
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Have you m anaged to ac hiev first priority of finding a major e your new members sign for the AU? ing sponsor Wha t has been do up. I am currently ne re fe re in talks with eing of IMG le to improve the accountancy fir a agues? la lus has rg e m I Union and So drawn up that . A contract has been th have organised refereeing co events at the lar with students ed ov pr urses for e netball league will hopefully im pu om ained po e Union within the next s, which are su be signed fo How has th came Union secre- rem ite the rise in competition fr week. r two members bsidised sp be de u of each team. H How have yo yo e sinc takes longer to u expanded pa owever, it ed tra - town. rticipation in the IMG le been transform tary? ter has definite so far we have in a football referee, and agues? Seren Las has is now open during e autumn semes commercially. not organised Th This year, I ha ch a cour this CF10, whi ccess e by ly been a susuch as Fun Factory, intoday and is also used as a venu of netball team ve increased the number er . We aim to create a pool of ne se for e s from 18 to 24 ees to umpire m utral refts th gh ni ve on ha Uni , accommodating this by us societies. and Come Play to finances, whi atches, but this is subject holding games you said how Rubber Duck ly busy and Fat Friday vario ch currently ca on Saturday mornings as ur manifesto, ove the webyo nt In te is nn to a course for ns well as Wedne e ot co Th st en pr re y. tc be ar im h nu to foot sday afternoons. We held ve hoped ched in Ja How have yo ball referees. th is to be re-launuide has been repack- you . Do you feel you ha u tried to en which allowed e first IMG fair this year eq te G si n O t’s an ha W sure teams to recrui ual allocation is? email in t members at their own stall. of facilities su the aged as an to raise greater achieved the launched the website (in venues and m This resulted in ch as w pt n m he te at W in However, ib uses over 650 awareness of September) I was gutted.ently under As we only ha between clubs? rr cu is ve five minib the website truction and I clubs need to book these a m uses, going recons itted to its onth in advance. Howev m er remain com hich is an impordising transport , we are now subsiement w for clubs who ov pr a im follow the booking pr aking Cardiff ocedure but st tant part of m ents’ Union. ill do not manage to world-class Studplans for 2006? get a U I have been wor nion minibus. hat are your tment drive for W ki ng closely with Sports and Ex There is a recruiil in January and erci extra training tim se to organise e Student Counce to start preparth es for clubs who tim have trouble w then it will be tions in March. We ith access to ve ing for the elec the possibility of nues. Unfortuna to tely it is th TWI are looking in g for these elections G: T es that room allocations ca e case tin is vo cm ni tro ro ec P nnot be hinkin STO: guaranteed be MANIFESTO: Promises el try to increase participation. g big MANIFE cause commer to ci al ev en ts take priorit GWINNETT there is very y, and : She won it limited space Students’ Union in the .
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News
December 12 2005
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of year review
after their elections gair rhydd asks; what have they done for you?
Russell Simpson
College President of M Biology, Life and Healt edicine, h Sciences
What work have you year that you're particbeen doing this ula I'm really pleased wit rly proud of? guide that we've recent h the housing 'Don't Panic Housing ly put out, called basically a guide for freGuide 05/06'. It's look for when you're shers on what to contains tips and informmoving house. It lords, student rights, eneation about landevictions and the contac rgy saving tips, of Cardiff's better letting t details of some agencies. I'm also really please I've been doing with d with the work People and Planet. We helSHAG and the union on World Aid d a night at Raid which was a huge s Day called we managed to raise ovesuccess and Is there anything tha r £1500. you haven't done at t you feel this stage in the year? In my manifesto I said I'd the problem of student deb look at t, but to
be honest I haven't had the on this so far. It's someth chance to focus look at in the new year. ing I'm going to What are you currentl y working on? This year I've been teaching reviews with meholding monthly tistry students to get somdicine and dene feedback on how their placements going, but it's still not in hospitals are needs more work so i'm good enough and hospitals in Wales in theplanning a tour of new year.
MANIFE
STO: Pro mise
Pete Goodman Union President
Efficiency on Finance? Sabb admin is under £3000 so far this year which I’d say is probably about half the amount that had been spent last year. We’ve been through everything on a tight budget. Opposing Charged NUS cards? Haven’t really had a chance to do anything about this, yet this comes into force next year when we’ll make representations. Increase representation on student council at UWCM? There is a drive in place at UWCM at the moment to try to encourage representation. Introduce Burger bar in Union? We’ve improved the facilities and brought caterers into CF10 and we’re in negotiations for a burger bar. Review and improve nightbuses? We’ve got a regular service with drivers turn-
ing up regularly, especially on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday which are the big union days. Communication with students? Unfortunately the website is a big disappointment at the moment but we are working on it and it will get better as the year goes on. Other? I’ve overseen a overhaul of the management teams which has seen times spent in meetings come down from 3 and a half hours to 40 mins.
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and police. More forums of residents st te ea for the SOUL gr g in ur yo fund What has beence you became long-lasting s also been set-up. Also, campaign ha achievement sin Union’s media expo PR Officer? d an ns ig I’ve increased the lly and nationally pa m ce Ca Vi the be to ca That would have It was my first sure both lowith both the BBC and ks ess. Chancellor’s addr otion went so well through lin ail among other organisaevent, and the promwas at full capacity Western M far that the Great Hall rgraduate and post- tions. achieved in so What have you mpaigns are confor both the unde. on ca graduate speechesthat you have man- as non-Uni ? ed rn ce d Do you believe an ne through workthe profile One thing I’ve do Cardiff Tidy is to aged to increaseUnion? ep Ke th wi reputation of the al level and nation- ing closely ycling information packs Yes, both at a loc reased the amount introduce rec able for all students. ail inc ally. Locally I’ve contact the Union has which are avcampaigns have you crew of ne t ha W al with loc ated? kets to My Leave Mar an offis n aig Delboy camp S campaign shoot of an NU g Assembly sin es dr ad at aimed educational Members about o set-up an als e funding. I’v Calendar that online Campaigns and coming up of ck tra keeps campaigns.
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Tom Wellingham Media Officer
Since being in office have you recorded any increase in the num rhydd papers being read orber of gair ber of people tuning intothe numXpress Radio? We have had positive signs. We have already printed more papers this the previous year and Xpress year than Radio has had impressive online figures alre year. We are also in the process ady this ing a gair rhydd website which of finishstudents to search for articles will allow future articles before they go and read print. In addition to this we are to paper with the Student Union’s web working ther improve Cardiff ’s studentsite to furmedia. What steps have you taken to integrate all forms of student media? The process has been slow as it is a matter of getting people to think differently. But already this year there has been a lot of Xpress Radio information in the gair rhydd ESTO: MANIF
and with Varsity coming up, the be covering the commentary andradio will rhydd will be doing a pull out. the gair What links have you formed school of JOMEC? What with the ties has this provided opportuniinvolved in Cardiff’s student students media? Again steps have been slow process of taking time. We alre as it is a training programmes for sect ady have and hope to improve on this forion editors next year.
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WELLINGHAM: Media mogul
World News
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World news in brief In Demand BURGEONING DEMAND for ivory from China’s emerging middle-class is helping to revive the banned ivory trade in Africa, conservationists have warned. The recent boom in the global ivory market has led to an increase in poaching, which was – until recently – beginning to decline. Ivory is seen as a desirable status symbol to much of the middle class in China, who have only recently been able to afford such luxury items on a relatively large scale.
On the border of war By Caroline Farwell News Editor ERITREA IS expelling United Nation peacekeepers from its disputed border with Ethiopia. Canadian, Russian, European and United States peacekeepers from the UN mission that monitors the border have been ordered to leave within ten days. The United Nations Security Council said it was ‘unacceptable’ and UN chief Kofi Annan has demanded that Eritrea immediately reverse its decision. Mr Annan said: “The United Nations cannot accede to Eritrea’s request and demands that the government immediately and unequivocally rescind its decision without preconditions.” The Ethiopian government criticised Eritrea’s decision as ‘inappropriate and unhelpful.’ On-going border disputes between Ethiopia and Eritrea have sparked fears that a new war could develop between the two countries. ANNAN: Not a happy man
IVORY: Reviving the ban
Saddam-age THE TRIAL of Saddam Hussein has continued without the former dictator in the courtroom. It is believed that he boycotted the hearing as a protest against the conditions of his detention and how the trial is being conducted. Previous court sessions have been marked by frequent violent outbursts from the Iraqi leader, who has complained constantly that the trial is unjust. Some see his behaviour in court as an attempt to rally his supporters still present in Iraq.
TEMPER: Tantrums
Grim Jilin POLICE ARE investigating the death of Wang Wei, Vice-Mayor of the Chinese city where a chemical blast polluted a major river last month. News of his death came as China said it would severely punish anyone found to have tried to cover up the impact of the blast, in north-eastern Jilin. At the time of the blast, it is believed Mr Wei played down the incident, refusing to order an evacuation of the city.
By Ceri Morgan
By Ceri Morgan Science Editor US AIR marshals on board an American Airlines flight shot and killed a man who had begun to act suspiciously. The fatal shooting was the first since more marshals were deployed in the wake of 9/11. Rigoberto Alpizar, a US citizen aged 44, fled before the flight took off in Miami, saying he was in possession of a bomb. Officials later confirmed that Mr Alpizar had no explosives in his luggage. Witnessess have suggested that the man may have suffered from a mental illness. James Bauer, the head US air marshal in Miami, stated that the controlled explosion carried out on Costa Rican-born Alpizar’s luggage confirmed he was not in possession of a bomb. So far there has been no link to terrorist activity. Alpizar had taken a flight from Ecuador to Miami, Florida. He was boarding a flight to Orlando at 14.10 local time (19.10 GMT). According to a number of passengers aboard the flight, Alpizar began behaving strangely sometime before the marshals intervened. As he began to run down the aisle of the plane, a woman assumed to be his wife shouted for him to stop. The woman then tried to explain to other passengers following the shooting that her companion was suffering from
manic depression. “I did hear the lady say her husband was bipolar and had not had his medication,” said Mary Gardner, a passenger aboard the plane. Alpizar then ran to the boarding gate, where undercover marshals, who were travelling among the passengers, challenged him. At this point it is believed he suggested he was in possession of a bomb, before moving his hand up to his backpack. Marshals then opened fire, killing Alpizar instantly. Sniffer dogs then checked passenger luggage on the airport tarmac as police boarded the plane and ordered fellow passengers to brace themselves against their seats and put their hands on their heads. American Airlines cited the shooting as an isolated incident, adding that none of the other passengers were ever put into danger. Air mars h a l s declined to comment on the amount of shots fired, but witness reports suggest between four and six shots. Relatives said that Alpizar had been married for 22 years, and has been described by his former work colleagues as a ‘quiet, unassuming man, who got on with everybody.’
The two states went to war in 1998 and the conflict ended with a peace deal in 2000, yet Eritrea has complained that Ethiopia is refusing to accept the demarcation of their border agreements. Last month the UN threatened sanctions if the two countries failed to comply with the peace agreements, and both sides have reinforced their military positions. There are currently 3,300 peacekeepers and military observers from 40 countries working for the UN Mission in Ethiopia and Eritrea (Unmee). But patrolling has been difficult in recent months because of Eritrea’s restrictions on peacekeepers and a flight ban on UN helicopters. There has been no explanation for Eritrea’s decision to expel the peacekeepers or why personnel from the US, Canada, Europe and Russia were singled out.
Bipolar passenger killed by marshals
FATAL SHOOTING: First since 9/11
INSET: Victim Rigoberto Alpizar
Editorial & Opinion
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opinion@gairrhydd.com
SABB ACCOUNT THIS WEEK sees the the pulication of our ‘End of year Sabb review’. It’s been nine months since the election results were announced and since then these people have been running your Union on your behalf. It would be fair to say that Union politics is often not the glamourous affair that it perhaps could be. However it’s potential impact on the life of every student in Cardiff is also often underestimated. The power you all have as students through the medium of Student Council is absolute. By mandating the Sabb team to work on your behalf you can have your ideas implemented. So, if after reading the ‘End of year review’, you have questions that you want answered then come and make your voice heard. If you want something changed in your Union, then get involved and let the Sabb team know about it and get it changed. From the ‘End of year review’ you will be able to see that, on the whole, things have been going well. There have been improvements in the provision of food in the Union, as well a sucessful trading period in the buildings various venues. However, it is clear that areas such as the website and concept of night time catering still need to be addressed. After Christmas we will soon be into the hectic period closely associated with exams, and shortly after that, the elections will be upon us. All of the students currently thinking of running for a Sabb post would be well advised to read the new job descriptions in detail as it could be you who is having their manifesto pledges analysed this time next year. MERRY CHRISTMAS Doesn’t time fly? Wasn’t it only yesterday we were talking about freshers week? How long has this semester really been? During this time period we have report on modern art, mouldy rats and massive leaks, our 800th edition as well as many fantastic Quench magazines. It’s no wonder that people are looking forward to the holidays. However the fun doesn’t stop at the Union, the planned NYE events, ‘Come 2006’ and the legendary ‘Bass Invaders’ look set to be huge sucesses. Grab your tickets from the box office and make sure you see the New Year in with style. Finally, from everyone here at the gair rhydd:
It’s all getting a bit queer in here. But it’s alright, as Christopher Leigh discovers the ‘über’ joys of living life as a metroly-überly-sexual
S
o, there I was. There – was the girl’s section of H&M. I – was a slightly bored, slightly gay incarnation of my former self. There is no better way to deflate my ego and insult my id than hanging around in a girly clothes shop. I looked and smiled at the chic, nymphal young things that were browsing the rails for the latest vogue, creating, improving, accessorising. And sometimes they smiled back. I was waiting for my female housemates. Brunette No.1 was looking at military coats while I waited. Brunette No.2 was trying to complete her Sienna Miller look with a pair of blue skinny jeans. Alas, they weren’t for her. She stormed out of the fitting rooms and declared to me that she wasn’t going to complete the purchase and on good grounds; she said they made her posterior look strange. Lordy, with all life’s problems, a strange posterior is something one can do without. I sighed and without self-censorship or shame said “you’ll need a puffball skirt for this season too won’t you?” Oh God. What did I just say? Brunette No.2 gave a little laugh and looked puzzled but impressed. She carried on browsing and I was left alone with my thoughts; why did I, the male hunter-gatherer, give a flying fig about puffball skirts?
Some pseudoacademic is saying übersexuality is all the rage I’d noticed it semi-consciously for months. AA Gill wrote a piece a couple of years ago where he coined the phrase ‘heterogay’ but now the broadsheets and social commentators are calling it metrosexuality and it’s being embraced by everyone from footballers to students. The word is firmly entrenched in the Zeitgeist. Law: open any newspaper’s magazine on a Sunday and there will be a witty article on metrosexuality written by a man, about buying moisturiser, or the new tie-shape etc. And now this metrosexuality business had creeped up and put its manicured hand on my shoulder. What is a metrosexual?
US? GAY? Noooo... we’re just übersexual Had I become one? Oh God. I am aren’t I? All the signs are present; the extensive vocabulary, the witty bon mots and shrewd cultural observations, the dilettantish interest in art, fashion and interior design, the willingness to read Vogue and then talk to people about boots and heels and perfume and jeans with a 26” waist, the tidy bedroom and the clean bathroom, the dislike of competitive sports and the need to wear black socks with black trousers – oh, and the modesty. Where had this all come from? I haven’t always been like this. I used to like football and playing manhunt and wrestling. I was a young tyke full of bristling chutzpah and always ready to tell you where to shove it. Now I like browsing art galleries and purchasing soothing aftershave balms and dropping polysyllables into the conversation to make people think I’m clever. I am not gay, ye gods, I’m not (Cut to a hillbilly in a rocking chair on his porch: ‘you don’t like BOYS do you?’) So why am I like this? I guess I’ve grown up but a scapegoat must be named and it might as well be the media, they’re blamed for everything after all. It was the result of many, many readings of glossy supplements where some wretched middle-aged hag spouts a load of dross about the military look, or the Russian look, or the Russian military Gulag torture-chamber
look. And I nodded and stroked my chin and sipped my coffee and internalized all of that information. It was the result of preachy TV shows about what to wear, what to eat, what art you should be liking and, come to think about it, the total lack of any balls-out masculine TV at all. And that was what lead up to the puffball epiphany. But now what? The Observer is telling me that the age of meterosexuality is over and that some pseudo-academic in the States is saying
übersexuality is all the rage. In other words, it’s Goodbye Jude Law and hello George Clooney, goodbye David Beckham and hello Pierce Brosnan. This is great news; I’ve been an übersexual all along, now I just have a word for it. An übersexual is a guy that encompasses many aspects of metrosexuality but in a more rugged, less moisturised, masculine way. Instead of chucking a load of viscous gack on his hair and spiking it up like a peacock, the übersexual prefers a buzz-cut and, in the time saved, he’ll read books, something a metrosexual would never do. He’s interested in man’s social consciousness, so maybe a chapter from The End of the Affair or bit of Utopia. He’s more of an intellectual. He’s still a cultural aesthete and witty conversationalist but he cares more. He reads the Economist and the FT and he drinks Scotch neat, not vodka and Coke. He debates, he votes, he listens to Today and has an expensive watch, he is compassionate and he’s a sceptic. Think of the zeniths atop the pantheon of übersexuality as Bono, George Clooney and Brozzer, not the metrosexual icons of Beckham, David Walliams or Orlando Bloom. So lads, which one are you? Because if you aren’t one or the other, what the hell are you? And more importantly, which one do you girls prefer?
by alex wallis
FREE WORD
The ever-so modern man
Al’s World
gair rhydd
The x-pense of x-mas
By Caleb Woodbridge
C
hristmas is coming. A time of peace, joy and good-will to all mankind… well, maybe, but perhaps more usually a time of debt, hassle and overindulgence. A few statistics for you: one in five people are still paying for Christmas after six months, and one in 11 only break even by the time next year’s festivities start. Look at the faces of those on the high street in these busy December days. How many people look like they are actually enjoying themselves?
And what do we put ourselves through this for? Stuffing yourself on turkey so you’ll be sick of it even before you have to eat turkey sandwiches between now and New Year? Presents that you’ll be paying for months after they’ve disappeared up to the attic? Attacking the tacky commercialism of Christmas is like shooting fish in a festive barrel, so rather than just whinge about it, I’m going to suggest what we can actually do to make Christmas more celebration than just inebriation. I don’t mean to be a killjoy. I’m all for celebration – the entrance of God
onto the stage of history in person as a human to save the world is something well worth celebrating if you’re a believer, and as good an excuse for a party as any if you’re not. But what kind of celebration is running around in a panic getting tired, stressed, and in debt? Maybe, just maybe, a simpler celebration might be more of a celebration. There are plenty of ways of giving that aren’t just selfish consumerism. Charities such as Oxfam run schemes where you can buy someone the gift of a donkey, beehive or medical kit for somewhere in the world that needs it. Spend time on relationships, not
money on mere ephemeral ‘stuff’ or on traditions that only produce stress rather than joy. Enjoy the simple pleasures like chatting with friends over mince pies, singing carols on a frosty evening, or giving time to help on a soup-run to give something to those for whom Christmas is not a time of happiness. Yes, I know I’m being shamelessly romantic and idealistic, but that’s part of what Christmas is all about – grace and love and hope to a dark world. Let’s try and make Christmas a real time of love, of giving and of peace, and not just of selfishness – now that’s what I call a celebration!
December 12 2005
Editorial & Opinion
Page 9
opinion@gairrhydd.com
GIVING YOUR CONSENT Wendy Woodhead explores the absurd attitutes our society has towards rape
H
ow many times have you witnessed a drunken man behaving obnoxiously and obscenely towards a girl? Yet the man does not have to care about the implications; the rules of etiquette which apply to women do not apply to men. There is a pervading notion throughout our society that women must know their place - and that, it seems, is as potential prey to sexual predators. Amnesty International commissioned a survey of 1,095 adult men and women to see where we lay the blame when it comes to rape. That a third of participants attributed blame to the woman is worrying. The respondents were asked to assess aspects of a woman’s behaviour: Did she flirt? Was she drunk? Were her clothes revealing? Had she many sexual partners and was she alone in a dangerous area? Just because a woman may behave in such a manner does not mean she is making a sexual invitation and it is time some men became aware of this distinction. To justify rape on the grounds that the victim was exercising her civil liberties is absurd - each of us must take personal responsibility. If a woman goes out drinking she must be aware of the dangers, but just as important is being respectful of each other. In many instances however, it seems women are shouldering the responsibilities of men as well as themselves. An unconscious woman is not ‘asking’ for sex, although it emerged last week that ‘drunken consent is still consent’ thereby overruling the law which
defines consent as to ‘agree by choice and [have] the freedom and capacity to make that choice’. The terms of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 also states that the perpetrator must have ‘reasonable belief’ that the subject consents. Yet, if the subject is intoxicated they are without the ‘capacity to make the
An unconscious woman is not asking for sex
choice’ which surely means ‘drunken consent’ is not consent. A court in Swansea heard that a woman had emitted signs of sexual pleasure in the course of being ‘raped’ but once she realised what was happening to her she stopped. If indeed she is innocent, the blame can not be laid at such a person’s feet who had no consciousness to recognise she was being taken advantage of. Regardless of whether her body responded in its natural functions she did not permit the act to take place and it is my belief our
minds are independent of our bodily reactions. Are the indications of this survey seriously suggesting women must censor themselves in a bid to ward off those men who feel they have an inalienable right to sex? Are we to become the asexual picture of the Victorian woman we strived so hard to get away from? How many maternal roles must we adopt? We should not be held responsible if a man’s brute animalistic instinct overrules his rationality. Those who commit such a crime on the belief that the woman would have wanted it are seriously ill-informed. However, she may have acted prior to the attack, a woman is entitled to know her own mind. Since these findings there has been a call on the Government to draw up a campaign, but the last thing we need is a re-enactment of what can happen to women who engage in the aforementioned ‘taboos’. Such a crime will never be stopped until we target the perpetrators, but the outlook seems increasingly dim with only one in twenty rapes reported resulting in the defendant being found guilty. This leniency the law and society has adopted towards rape is beyond extreme. Rape ultimately comes down to a power imbalance and with most offences being undertaken people close to victimes it is unlikely figures would drop if women adopted a more conservative way of life. This would just be a regression of how far we have come as a society, and I fear this regression has already begun.
Did she flirt? Was she drunk? Were her clothes revealing?
Year two: Sofa, so good? What makes a By Andrew Rennison
M
any of us are or were blessed with an irrelevant freshers’ year. Exams and essays didn’t count that time around, and needed only to be passed in order to be conquered. Twelve months could thus be spent either lying in bed or slowly killing the liver. But dark clouds could be seen on the horizon, in the shape of student years to come – full of tests and trials that actually mattered. With all our nights to occupy and drinks to down, how would we ever find the time to study for real exams? While considering this a while back, I came up with one answer. It would be fine, because next year I would have my own house.Yes, a house, free of the overwhelming potential of the halls, far from the crowded flats of testosteronehappy party-monkeys who kept me from ever finding the time for revision. All will be well. So I entered my second year confident that life would settle down from the orgy of carnal revelling that was the first. How’s it all turned out? Well, hard to say… On the one hand, I feel older. That might be because I am older, but I think it’s more due to my house.
Consider, first year: you’ve got narrow mattresses and loud middle-aged cleaners. Second year: I’ve got soft furniture and gas bills. Things have certainly grown up, whether I have or not.
But just because things have quietened down, doesn’t mean it’s any easier to get anything done with your life. I must take a moment to idolise the common sofa. Freshers with sofas, appreciate them. Freshers without sofas... you know what I mean. I spent a year of my life without sofas. And it was like a traffic jam in Hades – rubbish. Now I have a sofa because I have a house, but with them has come a new problem. See, old desk chairs are great for studying, because they match the situa-
tion: you don’t like the chair, and you don’t like the studying. But a sofa is not so compatible. Sofas tempt you into couch potato comfort. They encourage TV watching, homosocial video game playing, and good old-fashioned naps. Next to the delights a sofa has to offer, textbooks stand no chance. And comfy furnishings are of course not the only pitfall of a proper residence. Unlike in Talybont or Uni Hall, you actually have the space to hold a decent shindig. No more claustrophobic house parties at which you risk stamping on a stranger’s foot or unintentionally harassing a housemate. Even worse is that, having moved into respectable surroundings, you can now drink in-house and not get depressed. There’s now a back garden for inebriated chundering, your own flight of stairs for ill-advised drinking games, even a mantelpiece for prized photos of adventures past. All in all, whilst not the human sardine can of the Halls, a house can be no less distracting. Changing from Halls to houses doesn’t represent a steadying of the student ship, but simply the painting of its hull a different colour. It doesn’t make life easier, or work simpler, or even partying rarer. It just makes things different. Strangely though, every time I see an old desk chair, I miss those Halls.
Christmas single? By Phil Spase
I
f any of you have been to/been ripped off at Cardiff’s “Winter Wonderland” you may have noticed the incessant spree of Christmas muzak that pumps out from morning to night. As well as probably making life completely and utterly unbearable for anyone one who works there, it made me think. What does make a single a Christmas single? Some songs, like Slade’s ubiquitous Merry Christmas Everybody and Wizzard’s I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday are pretty obvious from thier names. But what about other songs that were played? East 17’s Stay and Gary Jules’ Mad World. Are they Christmas songs simply because they happened to be Christmas number one? Theoretically this should mean Christmasses are celebrated each year with mince pies, pressies and a great big drunken singalong to Mr Blobby or There’s No-one Quite Like Grandma. The precedent here appears to be that any songg with the word Christmas in it is a de facto festive
ditty. Look at the Pogue’s Fairytale of New York - not a particularly seasonal song, but references to Christmas have meant that it only gets wheeled out once a year and McGowan et al. spend each Winter on tour. For none-Christmas referencing songs you must have a) a spot at the top of the charts on December 25 and b) a soppy ballad. See also the Spice Girls’ 2 Become 1, Too Much and Goodbye and Westlife’s I Have A Dream. So what’ve we learnt? Christmas songs must be either smack you in the face-obvious, or really crap. I think I prefer the summer.
e
On y n A
Any oPIN ION e tim y An
opinion@gairrhydd.com
Letters
Page 10
December 12 2005
letters@gairrhydd.com
gair rhydd letters page Hello folks, welcome to the final letters page of 2005. Sob, sob, sob. Oh well, they do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Anyway, moving on swiftly, something on telly made me laugh out loud yesterday. No, it wasn’t Jimmy Carr. I laughed when I watched highlights of the World Elephant Polo Championship on Sky Sports News. A bunch of people were riding elephants who had to score goals with their trunks. Ironically, a man from Scotland won the competition. Let me just ask one question, how can a man from Scotland learn to ride elephants? That’s one for you to ponder. Merry Xmas. Menon.
SVC Recruitment IN LAST WEEK’S edition, Juliet Heath called into question SVC’s recruitment procedure. In response to that, I would like to say that SVC makes no secret of the fact that many of our projects are oversubscribed. Our co-ordinators and staff do extra work to establish new projects, but this is a time consuming process, and a lot of background work has to be done before we can send volunteers to a new place. As for sign-up at the Volunteering Fayre, SVC usually sees a 40-60% drop-out rate between the Fayre and the end of training. For this reason, we have to over-recruit on the night, otherwise we may find ourselves with not enough people to run the projects that service users are relying on. Finally, SVC has a Grievance Procedure that all volunteers have a copy of. If anyone else has an issue with SVC, whether it relates to the matters raised over the last fortnight or if it’s something entirely different, please come to the office to discuss it with a member of staff or myself, and we will do our best to resolve it. Matthew Joyce Chairman, SVC
Aberconway Antics BEING A SECOND year student at Bristol University, I left the latenight noises encountered at halls of residence behind this year. Whilst I enjoyed the community and nights out (and all the rest, blah,
Text:
blah, blah - you get the idea) nothing could prepare me for the noise I heard outside Aberconway Hall when visiting my girlfriend. It really was ridiculous. People were hollering and shouting. Screaming out ‘Let’s wake up people in halls!’ and press the doorbells of the flats in both Aberconway and Colum Halls. The flat that I was staying in had its doorbell rang almost constantly for over ten minutes. People were still shouting and not even the angry mob of Aberconway residents could shut them up. It was an appalling show of what alcohol, stupidity and selfishness can do when mixed together. Surely it is about time the University or Union did something about this? Obviously they can’t physically control what students do (for fear of turning into some form of Thought Police), however, they can try preventative measures to stop this happening. Firstly, the gate on the Colum Road entrance of Aberconway Hall should be locked by porters after a certain time and residents given the key to allow themselves in. The doorbells will then not be accessible during the early hours and so the disturbance will be quelled. Secondly, and perhaps not a popular choice, the Union should reduce the late licence it holds and so people aren’t waking people up during the midweek. Not a popular choice, obviously (and one I very much doubt students and sabb’ officers would support), but an almost essential one especially during the exam periods. Thirdly, Cardiff University should
07791165837
Techno techno techno techno. My boyfriend says all i’m good for is a naked pillow. Donkey? My old nickname says Russell. Ben, stop playing Warcraft and take a shower. Someone has set us up the bomb! Mr J Scharf will hunt you down and kill you and your pets. Give it back!
Dr Karl Kennedy loves the Neighbours Society, he said so! Susan Kennedy-homm! I just want to be her friend. Boys watch out if you are tall and scruffy with blonde hair. Kate J wants you! xxx In my house watching telly and all of a sudden Carol got RANDY!! Des got WOOD!! and i got AROUSED!! Just another episode of countdown Trannies are the best!
spend some of the money they intend to waste on silly tiles (or whatever it is) to stick to university buildings on replacing the windows at Aberconway Hall with double glazed ones. Obviously the point of halls is to have fun - and I am sure the people of Aberconway love having fun - but the noise the hall has to put up with is frankly unacceptable. A poor show for the students who insist on waking those who decided not to go out that particular night. Failing that, I recommend waterpistols be issued to the flats on the Colum Road side of Aberconway Hall. Yours, Ben Davies
even worse when the mistake relates to something the interviewee said because, in this case, it’s suggesting Walsh doesn’t even know his own music. I’m also fairly sure that the photo accompanying the interview was not of Starsailor, let alone James Walsh himself. It actually looks a bit like Status Quo, and considering the interview’s title was ‘Star status’, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. Sorry about the rant, but it’s not the first time a music journo for Quench has cocked up. Come on guys, at least pretend to give a toss for music you don’t like and do a bit of research. Otherwise, keep up the good work. Huw Davies
Wrong Song IT WAS HEARTENING to see an interview in Quench (5/12/5) with James Walsh of Starsailor, especially after they were royally caned in the review of the Great Hall gig. I don’t mind that so much - obviously every reviewer is entitled to his own opinion, and I’ll be the first to admit that Starsailor are an acquired taste - but something should be said about a shocking error in the interview. Fall To The Floor was NOT a number one single in France. Four To The Floor’was. It sounds petty, but if you’re going to go to the trouble to interview a famous musician then you could at least get the name of one of his biggest hits right. Taking the piss in a review is acceptable because it’s up to the reviewer to reach a judgement, however biased it is, but pretending to like a band (as all interviewers have to do) and failing to do even the smallest amount of research is more than incompetent - it’s bloody rude. It’s
Speaker Scandal MY FRIEND just bought a speaker system off two guys in a white van. It was £200 and it’s a bag of shite. It is not even made by a real company. There are two guys- a fat Londoner and an American guy with a beard. They are complete c**** (I don’t mind using that word for them) and I feel students should be warned about them as they tend to go for us. Bastards. Sorry if this is an inapropriate place to send this to, I just feel that everyone should be warned! Thanks, John Honey
Offensive Article I AM WRITING to complain about the offensive nature of the article, “Had your heart broken recently” which was written by James Lewis and Jennifer Dunkerly. In itself, it could be considered
simply a bit of fun. Aside from its complete lack of advice or inspiration of any worth, and being an insult to your readers’ intellingence, it is incredibly shocking that it would feature in the same issue as your horriffic cover story. The fact that the girl’s rape case was thrown out of court because she was too drunk, demonstrates the need to protect ourselves in very real situations. And your ‘advice’ to vulnerable people who have just had their heart broken, while in jest and in another context may have seemed harmless, is really in bad taste. Especially as they are the ones that could end up alone and miserable after a night out. To look after your friends’ welfare is to make them feel better when they’re sober and you have to be inventive. Why not feature more inspiring articles on how to make yourself feel better; eg. learn something new, discover a new place in Cardiff, new philosophies on life and examples of how people live around the world. You have a wealth of intellectual resources in your students and yet it is a bit embarrasing that this is the best you can come up with. I hope to read more interesting articles in the future. Yours faithfully, Pia Seipp
Please email letters to:
letters@gairrhydd.com We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.
letter of the week End of World League BEING A SECOND year, I was well up for joining an IMG team this year (I didn’t know till too late last year). When I finally got around to getting my arse into gear, I went along to a few trials and got kept back for a couple of the teams. I was well chuffed. Well, after the first two games with little to no game action, I was already getting impatient. It just felt like mates were picking mates, which in the end is entirely fair, because I would do the same if I had my own team, because in the end it is just about having some fun. So, after mailing a few team captains about switching sides etc, the response I got from everyone was ‘Sorry we have already got our squad, most of the lads were from last year’. In fact, one team responded by saying new members were on fourth call behind players from last year, bit-part players from last year and old team stalwarts. Now, before you say it, no I am not bitter, ok, maybe a little bit. But
If you put the effort in, impress and become mates with the right people, I’m sure you can easily get into the team. BUT, after hearing/reading about all the teams that didn’t get into the IMG and thinking/knowing there MUST be other people like me (I already knew at least ten) I thought, why can’t there be something apart from IMG? So, this led to a great vision walking back in the rain from watching an IMG match, why not start our own league? There must be enough players and teams desperate to play? This dwindled with a few of the other lads, but I knew it could happen. I printed off 200 flyers and went and flyered up at Talybont, trying to get all the new freshers in on it. I know I was desperate for football last year. Within a day I got responses, a few enquriries. By the end of the week I had SOCSI & Optometry register, and after another week, Post Grad Journalism also registered. I knew this could happen. So, after much deliberation, I wanted something catchy to call the league, it seemed too offensive to
call it the ANTI IMG, and somewhat immature. So I thought, well, could it be the end of the IMG if this catches on? I eventually got round to THE END OF THE WORLD LEAGUE. Matches take place on Sundays. Registeration is free and we have played the first set of games. So, there is the background, I was hoping that you could maybe run just a small bit of information, for anyone who wants to play. Any coverage would be much appreciated, I know other students are wanting this, everyone I’ve spoken to has given me lots of backing for this... so please any help would be great. I have started making the website, it is www.geocities.com/endoftheworldleague. Ben MENON SAYS: I think this is an excellent idea as it gives more students the opportunity to play competitive football. Unfortunately, I can’t provide any coverage because your league is not run by the University. Sorry Ben. If you are interested in joining this league, please email Ben on this address: shawb@cardiff.ac.uk.
Comment
December 12 2005
Page 11
geordie@gairrhydd.com
The chewing gum on the shoe of opinion
Behind Allied li(n)es
A
lly of ours. Nice enough place, shame about the people. No, that’s not strictly fair; the people are alright. But if ever a powerful minority ruined it for everyone, it’s here. It starts as soon as you get off the plane. The passport-control people are a little too suspicious, overzealous, even. So you’re guilty, automatically, of something. Almost certainly of subversion, and you’re probably a witch to boot. Unless you can prove otherwise, in which case they’ll start fawning instead. It’s not their fault, though. Blame the President, an unthinking and insensate fool (IQ 98) who only got the job because of his father and brother. And the all-pervading influence of the media, of course. Naturally, most of the country’s budget is spent on ‘defence’, and since they’ve built such a mighty war machine, they have to flex the proverbial military muscle from time to time, provoked or otherwise. Frankly, the money would be better spent on welfare: there are 35 million people living below the official poverty line. Got to be careful not to be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, too, or you could find yourself taken away to some remote place and tortured. They’ve been doing more and more of that recently, actually. Humiliating and beating prisoners – mostly innocents – on military bases defended with weapons most countries have had the decency to ban. Extracting confessions at the edge of a razor blade. Then if they decide a prisoner really is innocent after all, it can still take months to secure a release. One of the President’s most senior henchmen claims it’s their ‘right’ to torture detainees. Sounds like some backwater hellhole, doesn’t it? A forgotten African ex-colony that went straight to hell the minute the Empire fell. Nope. America. Home of the Brave. Land of the Free. Our ‘special’ friend. So many voices are raised in protest at the behaviour of our subordinate allies – Uzbekistan’s way of dealing
2 G !
So Cameron won then. Was anyone surprised? Thought not. But we’re all in trouble now. With the economy slowing down, causing Brown to lose popularity, and a great many people being quite upset with New Labour, the Tories could actually win a general election. Which is bad. Cameron is like Thatcher reincarnated (yes, I know she’s not dead, but it can’t be long now, and the Champagne’s on me when she finally goes...) and nobody needs that. There’s only so much the working class can take.
with political demonstrations, for example. Yet they fall silent when it comes to the conduct of our senior partner in the War on Terror(ism. If we must call it a ‘war’ – thus legitimising terrorists’ actions by implicitly referring to them as soldiers – can we at least refrain from warring against ‘terror’? Though perhaps the contraction is not a solecism, but a tip-off to those in the know that there really is nothing to fear but fear itself, and our governments are merely scaremongering). We should criticise actions taken by ‘allies’ when that criticism is deserved, just as you would with a friend “You’re being a total arse George” who needs a word in the ear. Not to do so is an implicit vote of support for questionable policy. It is, of course, easy to censure a less-developed, ‘inferior’, nation – like Uzbekistan –
but the same standard should be applied to the US, regardless of the imbalance of power. France had the collective couilles to do so before the invasion of Iraq, it would be nice if the UK grew some balls too. In Peter George’s novelisation of Dr Strangelove, the introduction by ‘the men who discovered the manuscript’ comments that the USA and USSR were “not on friendly terms, and we find this difficult to understand, because both were governed by power systems which seem to us basically similar.” The imperceptibly different agendas of two sworn enemies is perhaps more pertinent with the present terrorist threat. Employing legal loopholes to allow extrajudicial detention and torture in Guantánamo Bay is indistinguishable from Islamicist terrorists’ use of their
own legalistic interpretation of the Qu’ran to justify the wholesale murder of civilians. Growing levels of conservatism forcing opinions on others – creationism, abortion restrictions, and recently the bizarre seizure of a Tennessee student newspaper for running articles on birth control and tattoos – barely distinguishable from Talibanesque control-freakery as exhibited in Afghanistan.
Atheist as they come, but I’ll certainly be going to see the film. She can stick her censorship where the sun doesn’t shine. Narnia in its rather prolonged winter.
In the tabloids:
TERROR: ism
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Polly Toynbee attacked The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe in G2 (the real one, not here). The thrust of the daft bint’s ‘argument’ (read: ‘mental rant’) was that the film is Christian allegory, so we should boycott it to save our children from such an awful message. I’m sure she wouldn’t have said the same about, for example, The Life of Brian’s tacit promotion of an atheistic ideal through parody of the story of Jesus’ final weeks. Were she not such a shocking sandal-wearing tree-hugger, she’d surely be writing for the Express, such is her respect for other people’s views. As for me, I’m about as staunch an
Growing American conservatism is barely distinguishable from Talibanesque control-freakery Bush presents our enemies as antithetical fundamentalists trying to take away our free-dumb, but is he really any better? The only noticeable difference in Western society (whatever the hell that may mean) is the bromidic pretence of democracy, for the most part so tainted by corruption and mudslinging that Congress might as well be the Iranian Assembly of Experts. And Britain follows, as always. Sometimes blindly, a donkey following the media’s carrot, sometimes more consciously. We are, after all, the 51st state, a dotard father controlled by a bullying son, serving only to legitimise US power amongst the Old Countries of Europe. We talk of ‘enemies’. Bugger enemies; we’re our own worst enemy. But if the absence of any practical difference in two ostensibly very different sides of a conflict teaches us anything, it’s that people are fundamentally the same the world over. The government of the day causing a negative perception of its people has happened throughout history: 1990present Iraq, 1914-45 Germany, Britain for bloody ages. It will doubtless continue for as long as governments are comprised of capricious, egomaniacal and, above all, irresponsible, politicians. Forever, then. Nice place. Minority ruining it for everyone. Everywhere you go.
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New TV series Space Cadets, which takes people off the street and convinces them they’re going into space via Russia, has attracted criticism from certain quarters. Apparently, the practical joke is unneccessarily cruel. Rubbish. People that stupid deserve to be humiliated on national television.
"
No ID cards.
Implicit homophobia
LEX WRECKS
M
y other life is as a physicist. If an experiment repeatedly gives results that contradict established theory, that theory is thrown away, or at least revised. It’s like the exact opposite of constitutional law, in which new legislation must not violate the principles of an earlier, supreme constitution. If the law is created according to the will of the people, then a constitution is inherently undemocratic. The requirements for amendment (in the US a two-thirds majority) can allow minority groups to prevent change – even when supported by a majority of the public – on the basis of an anachronistic document. For example, in 2000, the US Senate voted 63-37 in favour of amending the constitution to prohibit desecration of the flag (after successive laws against flag-burning were overturned by the Supreme Court). Despite the majority vote, the motion did not become law as the result was four votes shy of the required two-thirds majority. Establishing basic freedoms that will in theory be permanent – as in the US Bill of Rights or EU Charter on Fundamental Rights - initially seems like a good idea, but if the people do not approve then such ‘freedoms’ should not be enshrined in law. In the US, the First Amendment has guaranteed freedom of speech and of the press for over two centuries. But the vast number of laws repealed as unconstitutional on the basis of the First Amendment suggests that a significant number of lawmakers would like to see speech and the press regulated. This is very much a recent phenomenon: the Supreme Court did not repeal a law on First Amendment grounds until 1919. Restrictions on free speech are increasing in both the US and Europe. Here, the laws against Religious Hatred come close to breaching the EU’s guarantee of free speech, and last week in the US a Tennessee student paper was recalled for publishing articles on birth control and tattoos. At gair rhydd, we get suitably outraged arguing with the Students’ Union over money worries or the President trying to name himself as the publisher. If the paper were seized over such a triviality, we’d probably go postal. The same legal difficulty arises with the inclusion of a state religion in the new Iraqi constitution. If in the future a sizeable minority – or even a narrow majority – are not Muslims, then the law no longer represents the people and becomes undemocratic. Hamdullah, the French and Dutch defeated the EU Constitution for us. People change. The law should not stay the same, but reflect new public consensus. Statute should have a limited lifespan with an option for renewal. Government of the people by the people for the people. Today’s people.
Interviews
December 12 2005
Page 13
interviews@gairrhydd.com
Dr Kennedy or: How I learned to stop worrying and love Fletch Dr K. talks to Andrew Mickel about Liverpool, live music and livelier fans
T
PHOTO: James Perou
here are many important doctors in history: Dolittle, Matt, Who. But one bestrides medical history like the colossus he is. Without Dr Karl Kennedy, the majority of people in southeastern Australia would be dead by now. Of course, he’s just a fictional character. Alan Fletcher is a man in his own right (apparently), and is currently finishing a tour of the nation’s Walkabouts with his band the Waiting Room. “A lot of people are coming to these gigs to see Dr Karl,” says Dr Karl—sorry, Fletch—“but at the end of it they’re raving to us about the music.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, Fletch seems tired. Having just come back from a sound check and with just a few hours until the Cardiff gig, the Waiting Room are on their second tour of the UK in a year. Not bad for a band that only formed a year and a half ago. “Tommy Rando and Chris Hawker were playing at a restaurant that I was eating at one night, and they got me up to sing a few songs with them. Very quickly we realised we were getting on so well that we started writing together.
“If everyone was at that gig who claims to be the venue would have fallen over. We also did it this tour as an encore at Liverpool and it took the roof off the building.”
“I’ve been a singer all my life, and to me this is just a natural progression. It’s an extension of acting. It’s about entertainment, it’s about telling stories, and describing life.”
Fletch on playing You’ll Never Walk Alone after Liverpool won the cup
Fletch on life out of Neighbours
“Then people over here in the UK found out about us and wanted us to come over.” It’s good to know that we can beat the Australians at something. When it comes to fandom, we definitely whoop anyone from Down Under. “In Australia I can’t really leave Melbourne, it isn’t really practical because of my Neighbours commitments. The night we play is primarily a night that UK fans come to. So the Waiting Room is really an untested band in Australia.” Anyone who was at the Walkabout gig will know how British the band’s music is, although with an obvious Australian twist of ballsy sunshine. “[We play] primarily Brit rock. Party music, good time music, music that people like to sing along to. Our own music as well; we do two of our rockier tracks and then a ballad.” The frankly surreal sight of Fletch singing the Killers’ Somebody Told Me can pay testament to the perhaps unusual musical choices for the band. “Our own music is quite eclectic, quite hard to describe, a bit like a lot of bands; it’s hard to nail down what a Waiting Room style is.”
But there’s no denying that the music is what has finally sealed the deal in making him a legend, even if he hasn’t realised that himself. “For me, I’m just a run of the mill guy. What’s important for me is to try and meet as many fans as possible, so after the gigs we do spend an hour and a half, sometimes two hours taking photos with the band and punters.” And being a sex symbol? “I don’t know about that, but it’s flattering...” says Fletch, who in the flesh looks a bit like your mate’s Dad. The music is all well and good, but everyone who knows who Alan Fletcher is does so purely off the back of Neighbours, the perennial sunny favourite of students and bored housewives everywhere. “There’s a real gentle humour to the show. A lot of soaps and dramas that the audiences here love, like Eastenders, can be a bit heavy. Even the dark characters like Paul Robinson gets a lot of pleasure out of what he does. It’s become quite a happy, easy show to watch.”
FLETCH: Better than you
Everybody needs good readers The more disturbing questions sent in by gair rhydd readers and Xpress listeners Playing a doctor, have you ever been asked for medical advice? Yes. All the time. And I don’t give it, because I could be sued if it’s wrong. Given the success of the Waiting Room, is there any chance of a resurrection of the Right Prescription? Well, the whole idea of Karl with music was years and years ago and unrelated to my interests. Karl is rubbish as a performer. So it’s quite nice to play someone who’s rubbish, and then go out into the real world and be decent. Do you ever have aggressive fans, or fans doing bizarre things? No. The only time we had a fan doing something a little strange was when a girl flew from the United Kingdom to meet us, and she only had a one way ticket. And she wanted to live with the Kennedys. But the Grundys looked after her very well, and made sure she got home.
Are you concerned that you are the only medic in Erinsborough? Couldn’t they just forgive Dr Darcy for the whole ‘criminal record’ thing? (Laughs) Dr Darcy is not going to be allowed back. Well, he might come back, you never know with Neighbours. Karl is very stretched, there’s no questions about that, but he likes to stay busy. Whatever happened to Cassie the sheep? Cassie is still sitting in the backyard of the Kennedys and I just did a scene with Cassie in it. Growing up as a child, Karl and Susan were like parents to me. Splitting up caused me much emotional distress and I’m holding you personally responsible. What would your line of defence be in court? (Laughs) The poor person I’ve offended should enter a plea of insanity and I’ll enter a counter plea of insanity. I’m very sorry that we’ve upset that person, and any efforts I can make to comfort that person I’d be happy to give.
Fletch has been a Neighbours star for 11 years now, but the one defining moment for any fan would still have to be Karl and Susan being split up. Of course if you’re Fletch, then you may have your own favourites. “There was a storyline where Karl was pinching gnomes which I used to love, mainly from Marlene Kratz. He’d steal the gnomes and then send her a postcard from the gnomes.” Maybe he’s been asked the big S question too much. In his own words, he’s been asked whether they’re getting back together ‘somewhere between one and two million times’. Well, I don’t want to be the one who breaks the convention. “I can only say that Karl regrets leaving Susan, he knows he made a mistake. But Susan has a new boyfriend, and that becomes quite tempestuous. And Karl becomes involved in that story because of that boyfriend’s health problems.” So the future may be uncertain for Karl, but it’s certainly all good for Fletch. The Waiting Room have another tour coming up in the summer off the back of the massive success of this year’s, and like vampire slayers, to each generation is born just one hero of such legendary proportions. So I guess we should all be grateful that the Waiting Room are touring again this summer.
Health
Page 14
December 12 2005
health@gairrhydd.com
More time at the bar Health wonders, will the recently introduced 24 hour licensing laws really make a difference? And if so, will this be for better, or worse?
By Vanessa Roche Health Editor TWENTY-FOUR hour drinking is here. But what does it actually mean? And what is all the fuss about? In England and Wales, one-third of all licensed clubs, pubs and shops will be able to open for longer under the new laws. A BBC survey found that 1,121 establishments will have 24 hour licences, but only 359 of these are pubs or clubs. South east England has the largest number of approved licences at 10,500, largely due to the 5,200 extensions that have been approved in London - but just 14 pubs or clubs can open for 24 hours. More than 150 pubs or clubs in the south and west of England gained 24-hour licences, with just eight in the West Midlands. About three quarters of these premises in England and Wales have asked to extend their licences by one to two hours, until three or 4am. The remainder have applied to serve alcohol until 5am or 6am and a minority for 24 hours. The popular JD Wetherspoon chain has been granted licenses for 90% of its premises – of which there are 650 – and the company has indicated that it plans to stay open later as a result of the laws. Around 40% of premises applied to extend their licenses as they are food and entertainment establishments providing an alternative to the binge drinking often found in clubs. Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell says that the new law is necessary “to make it possible for the vast majority of people who drink but who never get into trouble to have more freedom as to when they drink”. Mark Hastings of the British Beer and Pub Association said recently: “We've been saying for a long time that the result of this change would be a relatively modest increase in overall licensing hours... What we're actually seeing is that at last in this country adults are going to be treated like grown-ups and given a little bit of choice about having a social life beyond 11 o'clock at night.” In contrast, Shadow Culture Secretary Theresa May said: “The government has got it the wrong way round. They should have been doing something about binge drinking before looking at extending the licensing hours.” She is also concerned that many of the premises approved for licenses are supermarkets and petrol stations, which are often frequented by underage drinkers, however, it remains the responsibility of the retailer to ask for proof of age. Only time will tell whether we will learn to pace ourselves or whether it will just amplify our current healthcare problems.
FAMILIAR SIGHT: Will the new licensing laws really stop this happening?
By Lydia James Health Correspondent
B
ritain is renowned for its binge-drinking culture, and for good reason; us Brits simply drink too much. Students in particular have a reputation for drinking their loans away. 24 hour drinking laws make no sense in this already sleepless, stressed society. Will conversation, rest, a clear mind and a meagre budget die? Pubs will not simply be somewhere to watch the football or have a quick pint as the temptation to stay there as long
as it is open will be too great; pubs will become a student’s ‘one stop shop’ - fulfilling every need. Licensing laws will affect students in particular because drinking is one of the things students do best and with the false belief that ‘every day's a Saturday’, the number of degrees achieved will plummet across the nation, and first class degrees will simply be something of the past. Students will suffer from sleep starvation, alcohol poisoning and interaction will be limited to hand gestures across the bar. Ok, so maybe that analysis is a lit-
Jess Anderson on why she thinks the laws will lead to more alcohol-related problems
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he benefits of the new laws seem to make sense on the surface, but do not necessarily bear up to closer scrutiny. The government’s side of the argument is that the changes will help to curtail the problems of binge-drinking alcohol-related violence and crime. But I can’t quite believe that people will drink more slowly if they have more time, and even if they did, I’m not sure how drinking 30 units in one night is better spread over eight hours than four. Neither do I believe that having varying kick-out times, releasing the ‘violent drunken yobs’ in intervals rather than all in one go, will lessen the amount of alcohol-fuelled disruption and violence on the streets. Even if I had faith in people to become more sensible with their drinking – which I don’t – I cannot believe that a few law changes will make things better. Call me a cynic if you will, but as far as I’m concerned, people are unlikely to behave differently just
because they can prop up the bar until 4am instead of midnight. In my opinion, the assumption that the new laws will make things better is an extremely naïve and dangerous one to make. If the situation is to be improved, we need to get to the root of the problems by tackling people’s behaviour. It remains to be seen whether the laws will make a difference, and there’s no harm in waiting to see what happens, but let’s not get complacent. There is no miracle cure.
PUB: Home of the beer
tle far fetched, but you get my drift, 24 hour drinking is not a good idea for anyone. The people backing the new laws, mainly pub owners and MPs who voted in favour, argue that many pubs and clubs will not benefit from hugely extended licences because they are situated in residential areas, for example. However, the extra hours that are granted to establishments will have an effect on many people's lives. Firstly, on the staff; with a smoking ban in public places not yet secured in Wales, staff will have to endure more hours of smoke filled air, longer shifts will dis-
rupt their sleep patterns and they may have to put up with more drinkfuelled hassle as people move from pubs that have shut to carry on drinking at pubs that have not, whereas before they would have just gone home. For the services unlucky enough to deal with drinkers and the aftermath the police, ambulance service and cleaners - the current situation can only get worse. Cleaners' jobs will get grubbier, police officers’ task of patrolling city centres on Friday and Saturday nights will be extended so that a job is practically created just for breaking up fights and watching out for disturbers of the peace. Finally, what about normal members of the public (and students) who will have to tolerate ever-increasing hours of happy, drunk people singing down the street every night? Instead of the pro-24 argument of staggered closing times preventing violence on the streets, it will create entire nights of potential violence as people stumble home. Of course, not every individual who goes out gets drunk; however, the likelihood of getting drunk is radically increased as the longer the pub is open for, the more drinking can be done. The final point to consider is the most worrying; will going out simply become less fun? The more we do it and the longer for, the more routine it will be, and the more drink will be needed in order to have a good time (or to forget about spiralling debt). 24 hour licensing laws won't solve a binge drinking culture, but add to it. For this culture to be changed, our attitudes towards alcohol need to be challenged.
Liz Staubere looks at the potential benefits of the new 24-hour licensing laws
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he extension in licensing hours gives people more choice as to when and how long they drink. They are given chance to take it easy, and drink at their own pace. By drinking more slowly, people are likely to consume less and will not become as intoxicated. As a result, they should be less likely to injure themselves, cause trouble or create future health problems such as liver disease. By staggering the opening times, it will hopefully avoid large numbers of drinkers spilling onto the streets at the same time, which should lead to less trouble. It will also hopefully help vary the amount of casualties at accident and emergency departments at one particular time and should work towards decreasing the waiting time to see a doctor late at night. Many of the other European countries already have a similar system in
place with regards to licensing laws and it does not appear to be a problem for them. The focus should not be on restricting people’s drinking time instead they should be educated about how much to drink and what could happen if they over indulge. Along with extending opening hours, the new laws are supporting awareness campaigns to warn drinkers, especially the 18-30 age bracket, about the dangers of ‘overdoing it’. According to Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell, “The one thing this act isn't about is encouraging 24 hour drinking. Indications are that 0.5 percent of licensees have applied for a 24 hour licence and many of them do not intend to use it regularly.” The majority of licences will be used for weekends and occasions such as match days, so people will be able to take it easy during the week, and give their bodies a chance to recover.
Science & Environment
December 12 2005
Page 15
science@gairrhydd.com
End of the world as we know it? So what could the future hold for us if we don’t act right now? Science gets in on the act with some early scare mongering...
That sinking feeling..
Droughts....
A
s we head grow in towards th e end part g very, strong that re sults of what we're of what will be seeing deva of this would be the now four th consec stating. is th e utive year increased of loss of se Total melting a ice in the greenhouse effect. of the Arctic, talk Arctic iceIf you asked of natural sheet alone me, I'd bet cycles th w e ou m ld or tgage th cause a seaby climate ju level change skep st what's ha at that's rise of seven tics star ts millionn. So pp en in g. " what wou to look fa A cc or di ng ld happen if intly ridicu - there will to new data, Antarct lous. ic, the w the be no ice left orld's in the Arctic by Especially whe largest ice-sh 2060. eet were to n this is being viewed fo C llow suit? limatologists not only in also the polar regi One of the w ons but in ice warn of a ‘tipping-point orst affect’, shelves, across which, once reached, will ed areas is Bangladesh. In the globe. speed-up Mark Serrez the past 40 ye ars the main National Sn e, of the exponentially destruction land area, ow and Ice which is hom , making the e Data Cente melting proc r ess self-sus- to 1.6 million people ha Boulder, Col (NSIDC), taining an s nearly halved d worryingl orado states: in size. VS y “I think the could occur evidence is w next few year ithin the s. The
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ith global war nLima, with ing , drou a populaght tion of seven m will be come depe illion, more and nds for half more comthe year mon. on water from the Sullcon glacier in In the drylan th e Andes ds , ra in which ha will be even s retreated by , less 30 and some pa frequent per cent. rt world that ar s of the H im alayan glac e iers, will become ar temperate which feed id. th Indus, the sour e river And the glac ce of iers will of fail too. Pakistan’s w much also shrinking. ater, are CM
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Infectious d isease...
M
alaria, a dise ase The problem that kills is m one worse million pe by the increa ade ople rainfa se in wor ldwide ll, as ea could be co ch year thrive in very mosquitoes m wet areas. town near yo ing to a Any further u. global temps increase in Dengue fe Yellow fever ver and the mosqu could send co itoe making their uld also be north, if only s further way north. for the summer. Malaria is sp re ad by mosquitoes w The United hich generalNations ly need a st able 16°C to Environment Programm e survive, and th has highlight e ed the probglobal tempe increase in lem of loss of habitat forc rature has resulted in m alaria spread- ing animals and human s ing to southern into closer co ntact, causing E the former So urope and completely viet Union in new diseases recent years contacted from as these animajor outbre well as a mals. ak in New Orleans in the A lready one early 90s. third of deaths in th e developing
natural he events already are predicted shocking enough, but it’s what we don’t already know about that could finish us off. What about the possibility that global warming could bring and sudden some extreme climatic phenomenon that we could never imagine.
world are ca us ease, and add ed by disto that new diseases infe cting humans all the tim e and more widespread occurrences already, it is a really worrying problem. PH
mosqu
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The point to bear in mind is that the climate is a complex system and there are many elements involved, any of which could go wrong at any time, as a result to changes in conditions brought about by global warming. Many have seen the disaster movie The Day After Tomorrow as farfetched, but it may have got the idea CM Hurricane damage in New Orleans
Hurricanes i ncrease
O
n August 2 this year a ca 9 the increase in sea te m- last 30 te- perature years. gory five hu in the tropic rri- region al cane ripped Also it shows (u p ab ou t worryth 0. rough whe 5°C) ing si the gulf re hurricanes gns for the fu coast of ture, fo rm as th is lin America, killi ng more si ked to storm inten- pr e current computer than a thou ed ty with other ictions have sa re the ple and ca nd peo- suggesting that search average global temperausing bilca te gory ture four and fi lions of dolla rising by up ve storms rs wor th no to 2.5°C by the of damage. w occur up end of the to 35 % ce m nt ore often th ury. Were the hi an their temperatures gh sea smaller relativ If there is a po es . that ty of links be ssibilicaused this di Hurricanes tween clisaster due re qu ir e mate change high sea tem to climate and powerperature to change or ful hurricanes form, so su simply natura it’ rely this l fluctuaprudent to do s surely dependence tions? something points the to change a va finger square Research le riable that ly at d by mat Professor e change fo cli- we still have the ability r K the to co erry prev Emanuel sugg ests that go alence of high cate- pe ntrol, before more ople are kille ry hurricanes d by the of the vari able we can’t. PH
Politics
Page 16
December 12 2005
politics@gairrhydd.com
Whatever happened to... This week Politics takes a look back at some of the political stories that have disappeared completely from the political agenda this year
...IMPEACHING THE PM? ...INTERNATIONAL By Andrew Mickel Political Editor
J
ust over a year ago an ambitious and imaginative plan was launched to impeach Tony Blair over going to war in Iraq. Set by Plaid Cymru MP Adam Price, it planned to resurrect a medieval law that hadn’t been used since the time of Trafalgar. Once passed, a committee of MPs would be set up to examine the Prime Minister’s actions in going to war, as it alleged that he was in serious breach of constitutional principles. At the time, the impeachment plan had wide and varied support, from George Galloway to Boris Johnson. As
BLAIR: Unimpeachable
an unusual plan it was guaranteed airtime on all news programmes, and support from an electorate that was still hostile to the action in Iraq.
It was labelled a ‘no-hoper’. Given the reaction it provoked in Parliament, this wasn’t just rhetoric
But even when the plan was launched, the massive publicity overshadowed the fact it was unlikely to pass. The chairman of the foreign affairs committee labelled the plan a ‘no-hoper’ and a ‘political stunt’. Given the reaction it provoked in Parliament, this wasn’t just rhetoric. The Lib Dems were divided on whether to support the order, and the Conservatives were told not to support it. More importantly, rebel Labour MPs were unlikely to sign it, as it would mean risking their place in the party, but also how important the party was. Still, the campaign did build some slow momentum. The Scottish Nationalists joined Plaid Cymru in the bid in April of this year. But still the plan only had the support of a couple of Lib Dems, a handful of
Conservatives MPs, and crucially, no Labour votes. What was once headline news was therefore reduced to an exhausted political stunt. Last month, only the Daily Post (North Wales’ daily paper) noticed that the impeachment plan was dropped. Without Labour support the plan simply ran out of parliamentary time. Instead, Plaid is working on a plan more likely to win cross-party support, to throw the PM out for ‘High Crimes and Misdemeanours’. Although the impeachment plan is still being held as a possible plan in future, it has been proven as nothing more than a political stunt that has done nothing to benefit the anti-war movement.
ADAM PRICE: Man with a plan
GOODWILL?
By Andrew Bladon Political Correspondent
O
ver the past 12 months the world has been posed with some significant natural disasters, beginning back on Boxing Day 2004 with a tsunami crossing the Indian Ocean and taking almost 200,000 lives, the second biggest in history. Iran, Indonesia, Pakistan have suffered devastating earthquakes, and Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans have meant this year has had many natural disasters. What has international goodwill done to alleviate the situation? For the victims of the Asian Tsunami, Oxfam raised over $466 million, their biggest donation ever, with 90% coming from the public. Governments also pledged to match this along with a further $96 million and a freeze on the affected nations’ debt. The earthquake that hit Pakistan on October 8 hasn’t generated the same level of international response but this shouldn’t overshadow what has happened between India and Pakistan. The actions of civil society, not seen since the 1965 war against India, have united the nation and they
will have significant political implications. Within hours of the devastating quake, doctors flew from Karachi and Lahore to set up medical camps in the worst hit areas. The President's Relief Fund has received an estimated US $100 million in donations, and private citizens donated twice as much. This year the UN launched a record appeal of £2.7 billion from countries across the globe targeting victims of war, famine and natural disasters. This money is collected from political and charitable donations, which is then distributed across the most needed parts of the world. The UN has slowly been increasing this target, especially this year with the number and scale of natural disasters in 2005. While political donations may be rising and becoming a significant part of aid relief the majority of the contribution still comes from citizens, and the privately raised money through charities and disaster relief organisations. However, it is the more relevant political donations of food water and army support that the government must take credit for, and the speed that they can get to the disaster.
...THE LIB DEMS’ CHANCES? By Andrew Rennison Political Correspondent
T
hrough no fault of my own, I voted Lib Dem last May. For this, I blame every other major party running for office, Kennedy’s boys being simply the lesser of many evils up for election. Labour has no integrity, the Greens, no credibility, and the Tories, nothing at all. Without Kilroy, UKIP lack any comedy value, and an Englishman voting for Plaid Cymru is probably illegal. Thus, my big black ‘X’ landed on the Lib Dems. ‘Still, can’t be all bad’ I thought, ‘they’ll tax rich people, and recycle all my pizza boxes’. Indeed, there was a veritable hoopla surrounding Charles and his yellow men those seven months ago, and upon gaining his 62 seats Kennedy pledged to be a ‘real alternative’ to Blair’s withering army. So what has become of my springtime pledge of allegiance? Well, in truth, not a sausage. Far from shifting up a gear ready to usurp second place from the Tories,
the Lib Dems have settled into a familiar third, occasionally shouting something mildly socialist whilst bickering over whether Charles is too ginger to fight the next election. The opportunities to kick Labour square in the gonads have not been wanting: Blunkett, ID cards, Iraq to name a few – any of these issues are just asking to be set alight with Liberal matchsticks.
They’ve been reduced to bickering over whether Charles is too ginger to fight the next election But when I turn on the news, parliamentary tradition remains: Blair gets up, puts on his Serious Face™, and defends his own stupidity. Howard then rises to spit accusations and rhythmically bare his fangs at poor Tony. And finally, Charles takes
KENNEDY: Back in the days of punch-drunk success
his turn, politely scolding Labour, like a hopelessly nice man trying to be angry. Far from a ‘real alternative’, the Lib Dems seem content to just make up the numbers. Why? The General Election gave them a mandate to progress, with the highest rise in voting share of any party. Lib Dem policies tend to appeal to the young, particularly regarding education, tax and Iraq, and with Britain’s youth they should have a vibrant momentum with which to push on. But they haven’t. Sadly, the buck has to stop with Charles Kennedy. Anyone who ever chairs Have I Got News For You is fine with me, but, being brutally honest: a nice, friendly, Scottish ginger person will never ever lead this country. A foolish, dark-haired Scottish person maybe, but not Charles. Though this point was much debated at their recent conference, the party has not mustered the cold blood needed to oust such a nice man. But they’ve got to; otherwise the last shred of half-decent mainstream politics will die a premature death.
Media
December 12 2005
Page 17
media@gairrhydd.com
Profit on Earth, marketing not mild As Christmas fast approaches Aline Ungewiss looks at aggressive new strategies of consumer marketing and the rise in e-commerce this year for Media
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intendo and Sony have spent around £20 million on marketing alone this year on the Christmas rush. Targeting stresses parents and children’s thirst for presents, Microsoft has reported plans to spend £10 million this year to beat its rivals in the marketing stakes. Internet sales figures have fast become the celebration of the festive season. Mondays are now being dubbed ‘Cyber Monday’, as shoppers browse the shops at the weekend, but buy when back in the office; shopping on the web has never been so popular. It’s not surprising the Western Mail reports: ‘That 24m shoppers in Wales and the rest of the UK will spend £5bn online this Christmas, across more than 26,000 online retailers’. A single mouse click, sending an order to a distant internet company arguably takes the personal touch out of choosing gifts. The advantage is though you avoid the crowds and gift wrapping is complimentary. Many companies recognise this switch and are taking note of shopping trends. Take for example online store ChristmastimeUK which claims to be ‘The United Kingdom’s largest online Christmas shop’. The company run by two brothers in the Midlands reinvested their online marketing last year with online marketer Neutralize. Internet marketing strategies including search engine inputs and pay-per-click campaigns giving a “985% Return on Investment (ROI) after just two months” comment the company at www.neutralize.com. The internet is the place to make the most advertising. Spaces are harder and harder to get and cost more as time passes toward Christmas, due to the great competition on the net. To combat this companies are starting to advertise as early as July when the spaces are cheaper. As a result the shopping which takes place for just one day of the year starts in September. A survey, completed in September, on search engines revealed that ‘Christmas’ and related terms were already in the top 100 queries. A Royal Mail survey revealed that 55 percent of British online retailers are using early price promotions and a festive gift-wrapping service to encourage shoppers to buy online this year. Through this immense amount of
marketing, Christmas has become a period of intense pressure as people are overloaded with a million more pop ups and junk emails. Socially, there is so much value on an actual present, rather than the thought of it Christmas becomes a period of heightened stress and anxiety for most parents. A Woolworth’s survey found last week that presents are a major cause of sibling argument on December 25. BBC Radio 1 Online commented on the details of the study broadcasting that ‘boys do better’ when receiving gifts. The survey found that parents are likely to spend £220 on their sons and £120 on their daughters. The price gap was attributed to the popularity of electronic goods with boys.
UK shoppers are due to spend £5bn online It’s not just online that marketing can fool you. If you buy Christmas cards, mainly because of the tag ‘Charity’, you should know that high street retailers Boots and Marks and Spencer set a minimum of 10% with their suppliers to go to charities. The John Lewis partnership giving just 8%. In terms of manufacturing costs a card costs 7p, with the average price for a card is sold at 71p. Hilary Blume, director of The Charities Advisory Trust, told BBC News online: “The difference, up from 8% to 10%, would pay for 70,000 children to go to school in Africa”. This great amount of Christmas marketing seems to pay off, shops such as House of Fraser on Oxford Street report that Christmas campaigns meant its sales went up by 20% to last year. Many retailers have feared it would be tough to sell due to current global events. However, people still seem to be happy to spend a considerable amount on Christmas presents, which boosts the economy. A question to bear in mind, is if the whole affair of excessive Christmas marketing is contributing to the good of society and economy? Or rather encouraging the destruction of traditional values and losing the message of a religious celebration?
PRESENT PRESSURE: Boys do better on Christmas day
2005: Top five stories
Drug, Death and David: As the end of the year draws closer, Media looks at the five of the most memorable stories that hit the headlines.
S
plashed across newspapers and 24-hour news channels these were the stories which made 2005. 1. The July 7 attacks on London 2. Hurricane Katrina 3. The outcome of the Anthony Walker murder trial 4. The Kate Moss cocaine controvesy 5. David Blunkett’s resignation, MkII
Taf-Od
Tud 18
Rhagfyr 12 2005
tafod@gairrhydd.com
ADOLYGIAD GIG: EUROS CHILDS AC ALUN TAN LAN Gan Awen Schiavone Gohebydd Taf-Od NOS FAWRTH 29 Tachwedd, roedd Euros Childs, prif leisydd Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci, ac Alun Tan Lan yn perfformio yn y Buffalo Bar yng Ngaerdydd. Roedd y tocynnau i gyd wedi eu gwerthu ers misoedd, a phawb yn eiddgar ddisgwyl am gig anhygoel, ac yn sicr ni chafodd unrhyw un eu siomi. Yn gyntaf roedd Alun Tan Lan, dyn dawnus tu hwnt sydd wedi dod i amlygrwydd dros y ddwy flynedd ddiwethaf trwy gigio’n gyson ledled Cymru. Mae’n amlwg fod Alun ychydig yn nerfus, ond mae’n cynnal y disgwyliadau, ac yn perfformio set o hanner awr agos-atoch ac o’r galon. Mae’r set yn dechrau’n ddistaw a theimladwy, ac yn datblygu’n bwerus iawn. Mae’n perfformio caneuon o’i ddwy albwm, ambell i gan newydd a chyfar o gan Meic Stevens, ac yn
amlwg yn plesio’r dorf yn ofnadwy. Yna daeth Euros Childs, yn llawn haeddu cael ei alw yn rywbeth agos at genius, a dwi ddim yn mynd yn rhy bell! Mae’n perfformio set o ryw awr gyda’i fand Peter Richardson ac Alun Tan Lan. Mae’r set yn hollol wefreiddiol o’r dechrau i’w diwedd, ac yn sicr yn dal sylw’r gynulleidfa drwy ei chydol. Mae Euros yn dechrau ei berfformiad gyda chan weddol ddistaw country-westernaidd, ac mae’r set yn datblygu’n gyflym i berfformiad llawn egni. Mae’r ail gan ‘Dawnsio Dros y Môr’ yn weddol debyg i stwff y Gorky’s, ond yn amlwg yn ddatblygiad pellach. Mae’n perfformio fersiwn unigryw o ‘Pentref wrth y Môr’ Gorky’s, ac yn amlwg yn mwynhau ei hun. Mae caneuon Euros yn bendant yn chwa o awyr iach, ac yn sicr roedd y gynulleidfa wrth eu bodd. Does dim ond lle i fwynhau’r perfformiad, gyda bwriad Euros wrth greu ei
Adolygiad CD: ‘Goreuon Huw Chiswell’ Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od UGAIN MLYNEDD ar ôl iddo dechrau rhyddhau caneuon, o’r diwedd mae goreuon Huw Chiswell i’w cael ar un cryno ddisg! Dechrau addawol ac Huw Chiswell ar ei orau emosiynol iawn sydd i’r albwm 19 cân wrth i ni gly- ambell i gân newydd gan Huw wed nodau cyfarwydd y piano’n agor Chiswell, er enghraifft ‘Dere Nawr’. yr hyn na ellir ei alw’n llai na chlasur, Ma’n rhaid cyfadde na fydden i’n ‘Y Cwm’.Er gwaetha‘ cynifer y cynnwys y caneuon ymhlith ei caneuon dyw’r safon ddim yn gost- oreuon, ond maen nhw’n dangos bod wng – mae’r albwm yn cadw’i ffresni Chis yn dal i gyfansoddi gyda gobaith o’r gyntaf hyd y ddiwethaf, ac amry- ar gyfer mwy o ganeuon a pherfformiadau yn y dyfodol. wiaeth cywair y canwr yn amlwg. Mae’r clasuron i gyd yma, ar Cawn ein cyfareddu gan faledi dagreuol megis ‘Baglan Bay’ ac ‘I wahân i un o hoff ddewisiadau Be?’ a bydd natur chwareus Chis yn arweinwyr corau ysgol, ‘Dwylo Dros si?r o godi gwên, yn eich ysgogi i y Môr’! Galla i eich sicrhau y bydfwgio gyda’r ysbrydion ac i ddymuno dwch yn cydganu â Huw nerth esgyrn eich pen i’r albwm hwn. bod yn datws! Dyma gryno ddisg a ddylai fod yn Yn ogystal â’r hen ffefrynnau, mae’r cryno ddisg hefyd yn cynnwys rhan o gasgliad pawb!
Euros Childs yn teithio fel artist unigol albwm newydd o ddod ‘mor agos â phosibl at gerddoriaeth parti’ yn dod â’i ddychymyg yn agos at ddychymyg plentyn. Mae ‘Y Mwnci Drwg’, ac ‘Ar Lan y Môr’ yn amlwg blentynnaidd eu
naws, maent yn annisgwyl ac yn arbrofol, ac yn llawn doniolwch geirfaol a pherfformiadol. Mae’r noson yn profi fod dychymyg anhygoel gan Euros, a gellir ddim ond cwyno nad oedd y set
yn para’n hirach! Yn sicr, roedd pawb yn y gynulleidfa yno i werthfawrogi’r gerddoriaeth, a phawb yn bendant wedi eu plesio a’u hudo gan dalent unigryw ac anhygoel Euros Childs.
Heb ddatgelu gormod, bydd y noson hon yn llawn hanfodion dathliadau’r wyl – carolau Cymraeg traddodiadol, darlleniadau, band pres, côr
CF1, a digonedd o fwyd Nadoligaidd. Felly does dim esgus dros beidio ag ymuno yn y dathlu yn Eglwys Highfields (Heol Monthermer, Heol y Crwys – yr ail droad i’r dde ar ôl y CO-OP!), a bydd offer cyfieithu ar gael i’r rheini nad ydynt yn medru’r Gymraeg. Mae croeso i bawb, felly dewch â’ch cyfeillion - bydd digon o fins-peis i bob un!
Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od MAE’N ANODD credu ein bod ar drothwy’r Nadolig unwaith eto, a pha beth gwell i gyfleu naws yr wyl na gwasanaeth carolau Cymraeg traddodiadol. Dyna’n union beth fydd yn digwydd am 7.30 nos Lun 12fed o Ragfyr, gyda’r cyfan yn Gymraeg, ac yn rhad ac am ddim.
Free Stuff
December 12 2005
Page 19
competitions@gairrhydd.com
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
THE FUTURE’S IN YOUR HANDS...
IMAGINE A world where your car contacts a garage by itself to schedule its next oil change. Imagine a world where you can download a music video from your car stereo. Is this the future of mobile communications? Motorola wants you to tell them... To help visualise the next generation of seamless mobility and bring the next wave of mobile connectivity to life, Motorola Inc. has launched MOTOFWRD, a nationwide competition for budding innovators. The competition is challenging university students to depict - through words or visuals - how tomorrow’s society will answer the consumer demand to live life wherever, whenever and however they want. Motorola’s vision of seamless mobility provides easy, uninterrupted access to information regardless of the device, service, network or location. If you’re passions are sci-
ence, technology, engineering, writing, film, or any other arts and science fields, you’ll want to face the MOTOFWRD challenge... THE COMPETITION A grand prize will be awarded to the person who can best express their view of seamless mobility and help to bring a unique perspective to Motorola’s vision. University students are invited to submit visual or written entries. These may include essays, short stories, short films, comic strips, digital art. Ed Zander, Chairman and CEO at Motorola Inc. comments: “Through the MOTOFWRD competition we are inspiring young innovators to inspire us. The programme allows the next generation of scientists, inventors and designers to show us their
best.” The winner of the MOTOFWRD competition will win: a new Bluetooth-enabled car, £5,000 in cash, a suite of the company’s most advanced seamless mobility products and a six-week summer internship with Motorola in a department reflecting their interests. A stipend of £1,500 will be paid to the winner if they take up the internship. For more information and to enter, log onto www.motorola.com/uk/motofwrd The competition will be judged by an expert panel; all entries must be submitted by 17 February 2006. To celebrate the launch of MOTOFWD, Motorola have teamed up with Gair Rhydd to offer one lucky reader the funky handset pictured opposite. To win, email the competitions address, explaining M o t o r o l a ’s vision in your own words.
GAGGING FOR IT THAT SARKY bugger Jimmy Carr continues his quest to entertain the masses with the release of his second live standup DVD, out just in time for Christmas. Simply titled Stand Up, the show is armed with Jimmy’s trademark one-liners and gags, ranging from the slick to the downright sick. (That sentence given in the press release.) Filmed earlier this year in front of a packed house at London’s Bloomsbury Theatre, Stand Up shows Jimmy at his most contentious as he comments on life’s taboos and relentlessly unleashes his offensive put downs. Delving into the controversial subject matter of religion, women’s rights, domestic violence and threesomes, it seems no one and nothing is safe from Jimmy’s cutting wit.
If you’re game for a belly chuckle or too while eating your mince pies, drop me an email and you could win a signed copy of Jimmy Carr’s Stand Up DVD.
PARTY TIME
GET A HOT BOD
GIVEN THAT I can’t resist a third Yorkshire pud or a second helping of Christmas cake, I know what it’s like to have post-Christmas blubber. So here’s a great thing to win if you want to get in shape in the New Year and learn a few hip dance moves while you’re at it. 2 Entertain are presenting the Urban Workout, the hottest and most original fitness DVD to hit the shelves this year. Not only is it a fresh new way to get fit in your own home, it’s been produced by top dance choreographer Shay Shay – the guy who’s slammed with Beyonce, 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg and Jamelia, to name but a few. Following an easy-step format, the Urban Workout is all about simple moves to great beats. Starting with a “slo and lo” section to smooth and sexy tracks, the workout progresses to the “midsection” to work muscles and build stamina, and ends with the “hard and heavy” workout for pumped up pace and full-on fitness. If you’re ready to turn up the music and get into shape, find your own energy and pace in the infectious rhythms and groovy moves of the Urban Workout, released on 26 December. Soon your body will be feeling fine… If you’d like a copy of the Urban Workout, I’ve got five DVDs to give away. Simply email me at the usual address.
HEY GUYS, it’s Christmas in less than two weeks and if you’re struggling to find the pennies for presents, there’s always this page to turn to. Simply pick the prize you want from this glittering array and if you win it you can put it under the tree for someone else. I also have some cool prizes to kick-start your New Year, so get emailing at the usual address, competitions@gairrhydd.com Thanks to everyone who entered a gair rhydd competition this year – much to my satisfaction, my inbox has been bulging. The remaining winners are: LAURA EVANS (Juliette and the Licks), MATT HITT (Jem), SADIE WILLIAMS (Pout), JJ JARDINE (New Zealand), AMY COWIE (Henry Africa’s), SARA CLARK (Sidekick), and KATHERINE HARMER (HeadGear).
IT’LL SOON be time to celebrate the end of another cracking year, and where better to do it than our very own Students’ Union? On December 31 2005, Solus is set to open its doors to over a thousand ready-to-party students, offering them the best of Fun Factory, Rubber Duck, Fat Friday and Come Play. Open ‘til 3am tickets to the event are a snip at £8 adv. with NUS and it’s strongly recommended that you purchase them quick. As always, the union will be offering drinks at the ordinary super value prices so there’s no excuse not to let your hair down. I have 2 pairs of tickets for the event - if you’d like to win some simply email me before the end of term at the usual address.
Have a lovely Christmas with your folks and friends, and I’ll see you in the New Year! Meg x
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
Problem Page
Page 22
December 12 2005
problempage@gairrhydd.com
Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE
This week: cake, cardigans, christmas muzak and crackers. Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners! Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m so glad it’s finally Christmas. Oh, sorry, I mean in Friendzpeak: “I’m glad it’s so Christmas!” But, like, I am glad, because you know what people are like about Christmas. Pants like yoyos! They love to use the ‘festive spirit’ excuse to give a good boning. And I, for one, will not be saying no... Anyway, if you have any problems over your hols, remember that I’m only a tiny cyberspace inch away. Email: problempage@gairrhydd.com. I really hope to hear from you soon. Merry Christmas! Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx
Cak e Hole! Dear Amber, I AM WRITING TO YOU as I think I may be a few sprigs of holly short of a bush. Basically, I don’t like Christmas cake. I never have, and I don’t think I ever will. All my family find this weird, and I’m really worried about upsetting my mum, as she makes her
Christmas cake in July and works really hard to get it perfect. She even writes our names on it in icing and puts a little decorarion there so we can all have a fair-sized bit. Yet I too find this antipathy very odd, as I like sultanas, raisins, almonds, brandy, sherry, marzipan, icing and all the other delicious ingredients that go together to make this vile dish. I also like cake in general. So when all the said ingredients are conjoined and they so hideous to me I really couldn’t tell you, but I was hop-
F rosty Frolics! Dear Amber, AS IT’S THE FESTIVE season I thought I’d better write to you now as soon I’ll be snowed under by my problem. It all started when I was much younger (about fourteen). I’d started seeing this boy called Rupert. He was at my school and sat next to me in science. He was my experiment partner for a while but soon our experiments no longer concerned Bunsen boilers and test tubes; we were more bothered about seeing the results of ‘manipulation under the classroom benches’! Anyway, after we’d been ‘seeing’ each other for a little while, we decided to ‘do the deed’. Sadly for us, we knew we couldn’t do anything at our parents’ houses, so we took ages trying to plan where it would be feasible for us to go. We eventually decided that the corridor behind the toilets in the local shopping centre would be a good bet, as no one ever went there. So one Friday in December we decided to take the day off school and go to ‘bother’ each other in said corridor. All was going well, and we were soon semi-naked and writhing about. As it was nearly Christmas, all the decorations were up and Christmas music was blaring. Just as Rupert found my special place and I began to come, Frosty the Snowman started to play on the speakers. I came very loudly and was very happy. However, since this incident when
I was fourteen I have discovered, to my horror, that I can only come when I hear Frosty the Snowman. Sometimes just hearing it is enough to bring me to orgasm. The problem is that I have a new boyfriend and, after the festive season is over, see no excuse for playing Frosty when we have sex just so that I have a good time. Any suggestions? Love Roath.
from
Mary
Christmas,
AMBER SAYS: Dear Mary, I’m sure he won’t mind. It’s Christmas, and all. I hope that this advice helps you. Lots of love, Amber xxx
ing that you might have a few ideas so that I don’t offend my mum on Christmas day, Boxing day and all the other days that seem to go on and on until the horrid cake is all eaten. My mum has been increasingly under pressure to feed me up recently as I’ve lost some weight at Uni’ and so she’ll be really upset if I don’t eat any as she thinks (wrongly) that I’m dieting (I’m not; I’m male). I may be looking up the wrong chimney here, but I think my hatred of Christmas cake may have something
F elching F estivities Dear Amber, I THINK I MIGHT be in need of psychiatric care - my life revolves around felching. My abnormal curiosity in the human body has fortuitously enabled me to pass my anatomy exam, but other areas of my life are falling apart. My flatmates hate me because my room smells of fish after an unfortunate incident with a young girl a while back. My class mates think I’m gay due to my love of my diamond grandad cardi’ (is it not true that diamonds are a girl’s best friend?).
Blown Off! Dear Amber,
SNOWMAN: Penis
LIKE MANY OTHER fellow students, I will be going home over the Christmas holidays to see my parents, get my presents, and eat a turkey fully cooked in the middle. I am in my first year of Uni now, and until I came here I always lived with my parents. I went to school there, have friends there, and also have an ex-girlfriend there. My problem is that she is a cracker, and because of this I really don’t think I can bear to see her. She split up with me just before I came to Cardiff and I have been missing her ever since. She
to do with what happened when I was seven. My uncle was drunk at Christmas dinner and smeared Christmas cake all over his bum then ordered my mum (his sister) to eat it all off. Obviously my mum said no and we all went back to being normal, though my uncle seems to have a hardon now whenever mum brings Christmas cake to the table. I mean, it may not be why I hate Christmas cake, I’m just saying. It’s just a hunch. Anyway, a little advice would do wonders!
Anyway it’s hardly my fault if I haven’t…quite…EXPERIENCED…a real woman… My mother won’t speak to me after she found my felch porn and the festering tissues under my bed. I’m starting to have passionate (and admittedly slightly moist) dreams involving my best friend (male) and felching. Even thinking about it now is making blood rush to my throbbing loins and Sergeant Johnston is standing to attention… sorry, I got slightly distracted. THIS IS THE PROBLEM I’M TALKING ABOUT. Amber, you HAVE to help me - I’m begging you! O God Amber… what are your thoughts on felching? Is it really that wrong? Would you like a good FELCH? Mysterious Anal Xtremist had absolutely no reason to dump me. I hadn’t done anything wrong, and she said she enjoyed my ‘style’ of foreplay. She is beautiful, funny, and gives fucking great head. Ever since I have come here I have pined for her, and dream that when I go back home she’ll take me back and give me a blow-job. However, one of my mates from home has told me that she’s seeing someone else, called Simon apparently. I don’t know how she can live with herself. All men called Simon are weird, and apart from that imagining her giving someone else a blow-job is bizarrely upsetting rather than arousing. I just don’t know what to do, Amber. She lives a couple of streets down from my parents’ house, so I’m bound to see her at some point, or in the local pub. I think that if I see her with this Simon then I’ll end up deck-
Love, S. Claus, Rhymney Street. AMBER SAYS: Dear S, Well, I’ve got to say that I don’t like Christmas cake either. Or Christmas pudding. Or actually anything that doesn’t involve sex. I hope that this helps, and happy Christmas. Love, Amber xxx
(First Year Medic) P.S. One other thing: is downing Tipp-Ex wrong? AMBER SAYS: Dear Anal, Yeah, felching is fine, though it is rather dated. I heard that only old codgers in nudity camps do it now. Still, it’s a fun way to take up an evening, and in terms of problems I don’t think you have one. I hope this helps. Love from, Amber xxx
ing him and trying to have my wicked way with her. God, Amber, I miss her. My only hope is that I’ll get the lucky coin in my Christmas pudding then I can wish for her to take me back, and of course then she will. Roger Elfman, Cathays. AMBER SAYS: Dear Roger, Well, if she gives good head it’s hardly surprising she’s in demand. I mean, it’s one thing to give OK head, and it’s another to do a proper job. So what I’m trying to say is just go with the flow, or whatever. What was the question? Hope this helps, Lots of love, Amber xxx
Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com
Award-Winning Television
December 12 - 18 2005
Page 23
hosieryporn@wayforward.com
This Week’s TV Neil Armstrongs amongst the Ben Afflecks : December 12
Planet of the Japes
Intergalactose Intolerance as ‘Rotten’ Johnny Pranks Thankless Wankers
HOT
Penarth The Venice Beach to Cardiff’s LA, this dozy seaside district is what Morrissey had in mind when he wrote Every Day is Like Sunday. Miserable, grey, empty streets with people crying into their stodgy coffee in seafront bars in the rain, and bored fisherman. Perfect.
Soaps Whilst most of us here at TV Desk are still sniggering over the fact there’s a character in Emmerdale called Carl King, which is only two letters away from being the stroppy madam who sang You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman, over in Albert Square we’ve got DEATH to deal with. Anyone who’s ever witnessed a character pop their clogs in Eastenders will know that if you’re a young, sexy or evil-being, you get a blockbusting glass-andteeth shattering Michael Bay directed megadeath. On the other hand, if you’re an adorable old bat like Nana Moon, your final passing has to be dragged out over five months of sentimental tosh, during which the phrase “awww” is never directed at the screen, but “Is she fucking dead yet the piss-stained bint” is said with a suspicious frequency. Finally, on Friday, the answer’s yes.
T
he hype stuff, this week, is buzzing around Space Cadets like a Gary Glitter wasp round a Mr Whippy van at half-term. OK, so the concept is potentially hilarious, providing they’ve chosen sufficiently dunder-headed bottom feeders to play the prank on, but high-concept or not, the truth in the matter is that I wouldn’t even go to my own mother’s funeral if Johnny Vaughan was presenting it, so there’s no way I’m going to watch a ten hour episode of Beadle’s About if that pseudo-cockney ass-muncher is at the helm. It’s a shame that what’s been a pretty piss-poor year for terrestrial television’s last chance to pull itsef out of the rehash grave it started digging in 2004 is Space Cadets. Especially because superiorsounding Invasion Iowa, currently floundering on cable but its let’scon-idiot-yanks-by-pretendingthey’re-in-a-movie-with-WilliamShatner initiative is a lot more believeable that ten blathering gits thinking they’re in space. So why was 2005 a bad year for television? Easy. Almost everything produced for mass consumption on the five main channels has been supermegafuckingultrasupershit. The year that brought us racist spin-offs of a rehash of
Fudge Tunnel 12
Come Dancing and a series about Boycie from Only Fools and Horses which broke new boundaries in television by being the least amusing sitcom ever to grace BBC1’s Friday night schedule. And that includes competition from My Hero, Carrie and Barry, All About Alice and that steaming turd of political correctness with Jasper Carrot in it. A year in which something which came out of Margaret Thatcher’s cunt ended up winning a popularity contest. A
year in which Celebrity Big Brother saw Bridgette Nielson telling Kenzie from Blazin’ Squad that she could hook him up with Flavour Flav from Public Enemy. Although when aforementioned ‘Flav then surfaced on five’s reality dogshit The Farm, that idea became a lot less ridiculous. 2005 was a bad year too, for US drama. Six Feet Under lost its “essential viewing” tag. The emperor’s new clothes reared it’s naked head and body above water, with Lost and Desperate Housewives being good for five minutes and deteriorating into sub-par parodies of far better shows. If 2003 and 2004 were the years that saw the demise of many favourites like Sex in the City and Friends, 2005 was the year the new breed burst forth, and didn’t impress particularly. Bummer. But let’s not dwell, let’s see the year out on a high. The third (and hopefully not the last) series of Peep Show surpassed all expectations, and provided the best comedy this shores has produced since Father Ted. CSI continues to rule the roost in the states, and my head over here. The date-rape storyline in Hollyoaks also had me biting my nails and wanting to kill the Yorkshire zipper too. But hey, we still love you. And we know you love us. Bye Bye xxx
DVDS TO RENT/BUY Erm there’s fuck-all new release DVDs due out between now and Christmas because all the Hollywood studios want you to buy their God-awful festive blockbusters like War of the Wanking Worlds, Fantastic Fucking Four, and that dumbass new Herbie film, so here’s a quick reminded of films and box sets that come out in 2005 that are significantly less shite. Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 4 The Warriors SE, Escape From New York SE, CSI: Miami Season 2.1, Sideways, Bad Santa, Seinfeld Season 4, 5 and 6, Frasier Season 4, Simpsons Season 6, Dig!, Czech Dream, Palindromes, Friday Night Lights, CSI: Grave Danger, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite, Peep Show Series 2, Nighty Night Series 1, Bill Bailey: Cosmic Jam, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me SE, Carnivale Season 1,
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Mysterious Skin, Saw, Sin City (despite it being the cackest DVD package in recent years) Coffee and Cigarettes, 24 Season 4, Overnight, and at last, Scrubs. Wasn’t such a bad year after all, then, so go fuck yourself if you thought 2005 was all about Batman.
NOT
Vernon Kay Absolute fucking prick. Seriously. The fact his Radio 1 show coincides with the only time I ever listen to the radio is one thing, but the fact he laughs at his own jokes, has no concept of anything except his own shitty life and his disgusting overuse of the word “stonking” is quite another.
Film Woah, check this out: The premieres of 24 Hour Party People (Wednesday Ch4 11pm) and Confidence (Tues Ch4 11,05pm) with Dustin Hoffman, who has a big nose. There’s also Saturday Night Fever (BBC1 11,35pm) which is on.. erm, Friday, and the original Nightmare on Elm Street (five, Friday, 11.05pm) WOW.
Sport Slim pickings once more on this week’s terrestrial output, as only five have the rights to the UEFA cup. So unless you’re one of three people who want to watch Bolton vs Sevilla (Wednesday, 7.30pm) there’s nowt but A Question of Sport (BBC1, Friday 7pm). Posh bigot Matt Dawson toffs it up with ex Saints legend Matt Le Tissier. Pip pip.
Radio Radio 1 are currently obsessed with their self-congratulatory end of year backslapping bollocks, so ensure at all costs that you keep your dial firmly away from 98.2 until at least February. That way, you’ll miss the inevitable ‘ones to watch’ shit that’ll no doubt tell us that Clap Your Hands Say Yeah are going to revolutionise music with their drab take on really-quite-ordinary alt. rock. Instead, retune to 91.3 the quietly intreging FifteenMinute Musical on Radio 4 (Wednesday, 11pm) which features the writing of the king of dry wit David Quantick, and is basically a full-on fifteen minute character assassination of David Blunkett told through the medium of Italian opera. Genius.
Monday
Page 24
December 12 - 18 2005
doyourbloodyemailaddresses@everybloodyweek.com
BBC2 8.30pm
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIERED! 029 20229977
19.00 Dreamspaces 19.30 Honey We're Killing the Kids Revisited 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Trauma Uncut 21.30 Trauma Uncut 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Trauma Uncut 02.25 Trauma Uncut 02.55 Who Rules the Roost? 03.55 Close Ok, another Drinking game for you. I’m afraid I’m lacking in inspiration tonight so I thought “hmm, drinking games..they’re always useful to know about..” so there we go. Who knows ? Someone might even be inspired to play one, after all it’s Christmas. Everyone sits in a circle or around a table. One person begins by saying "Fuzzy Duck". The person to their left then says "Fuzzy Duck" again, and it continues around the circle.
19.00 Coast 20.00 The World 20.30 Advent 2005 20.35 African School 21.05 Stuart Sutcliffe: the Lost Beatle 22.05 Film: "A Hard Day's Night" 23.30 Arena: Little Platform, Big Stage 24.30 Stuart Sutcliffe: the Lost Beatle 01.30 Vietnam: Sir, No Sir! The GI Revolt 02.20 African School 02.50 Stuart Sutcliffe: the Lost Beatle 03.50 Close Alternately, someone can say "Does he?". If someone says this, the game direction is reversed and the person to his right has to say "Ducky Fuzz". This continues around until someone says "Does he?" again, at which point the direction reverses again and the phrase changes back to "Fuzzy Duck", and so on. The point is to go as fast as possible. Any person who pauses must drink, and anyone who gets it wrong or mispronounces it also must drink. This is actually a pretty funny game as it ofterns results in you saying “does he fuck” and “fuck he does”. It’s impossible not to. Seriously.
6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Caught In the Act Fiance I Know You Cheated! 10:30 This Morning12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel2:30 Tricks of the Trade 3:00 Pocoyo The Great Race 3:10 Pocoyo Don't Touch 3:15 Tractor Tom Puppy Problems 3:30 Blips Cleaner 3:45 Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids Superstitious Nonsense 4:00 Feel the Fear Holly v Snakes 4:30 You Say We Play: My Parents Are Aliens 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30 Coronation Street 9:00 Secret Smile 10:30 ITV News 11:00 Going to Seed 11:30 The Guest List 0:00 Champions League Weekly 0:25 999 Frontline 0:55 The Jeremy Kyle Show Who Got You Pregnant? The Lodger or the Lover? 1:50 60 Minute Makeover 2:40 Love 2 Shop 3:10 Redcoats 3:35 Entertainment Now! 4:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4:25 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News Or, if you’re not feeling rich but fancy some Christmas ‘chic’ why not purchase for yourself a black Christmas tree? Apparently they are all the rage at the moment. John Lewis says they have nearly sold out of their 6 foot tall black trees with in-built white lights. Argos sell them too but are apparently out of stock at the moment. Who’d of thought it? Black Christmas trees?
6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Coronation Street 2:00 Emmerdale 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Citizen Solomon 7:30 Spin City Pilot 8:00 Airline 8:30 Airline 9:00 FILM: The Untouchables 11:20 Coronation Street 11:50 Coronation Street 0:20 Countdown to the British Comedy Awards 2005 1:20 FILM: Lock Up 3:10 Spin City Pilot 3:30 Teleshopping The best Christmas presents ever include woolly jumpers your Gran knitted (we hated them once but now they’re just so fuckin cool), gift vouchers (at least you’ll get something you actually want), socks and pants (always needed), puzzle books (better than doing work, and you still feel like you’re excersising your brain), and bottle openers(you need at least 2, 1 for the handbag!)
Plastic Surgery Ruined My Wife C5 11.10pm
6:10 The Treacle People: Trouble At T'mill 6:20 The Hoobs: Soggy Crispies 6:45 B4 7:10 Friends: The One With Rachel's Crush 7:40 Just Shoot Me: Love Is In The Air 8:05 Will & Grace: Yours, Mine Or Ours 8:30 Will & Grace: Secrets And Lays 9:00 T4 T4: Futurama: The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings 9:30 T4: H Side Story 10:00 T4: Faking It USA 11:00 T4: Friends: The One With Chandler's Dad 11:30 T4: Friends: The One With Monica And Chandler's Wedding 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Ed: The Process 1:25 Small Railway Journeys 1:35 Fallen Angel 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Beyond Blunderdome 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 The Political Slot: Labour 8:00 Opus Dei And The Da Vinci Code 9:00 Space Cadets 10:00 Without A Trace: Transitions 11:00 Without A Trace: Second Sight 12:00 Space Cadets Live 2:20 The Truth About Female Desire: The Big O 3:20 World Cup Skiing 5:10 Origins: Ice World 6:10 Close You can even purchase candy pink trees, copper ones,or, if you think it’s cruel to chop down trees you can get INFLATABLE trees (wow, that is just so naf, still it would be mess-free and easily deflatable to store until next winter), Christmas tree wall hangings (that’s just sad, what’s the point in that?), lights in the shape of a tree, or you could even decorate any random plant you already have in the house. If none of those appeal, then just don’t fuckin bother mate, trees obviously aren’t for you.
PRIMETIME
6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Arthur 7:35 The Mysti Show 7:55 Newsround 8:00 SMart 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Barnaby Bear 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 The Future Is Wild 10:30 Primary Geography 10:40 Around Scotland 11:00 What? Where? When? Why? 11:15 Words and Pictures 11:30 Words and Pictures 11:45 Watch Weather Temperature 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 The Maths Channel - Year 6 1:10 The Maths Channel - Year 6 1:20 Primary Geography 1:30 Snooker: UK Championship 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Snooker: UK Championship 8:00 Around the World in 80 Treasures 8:30 University Challenge 9:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9:30 The Kumars at No 42 10:00 Have I Got News for You 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 21st-Century Bach 11:35 Snooker: UK Championship 12:25am: Snooker Extra: UK Championship 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Talk Portuguese 2:30 Brazil Inside Out 1-5 5:00 Brazil 2000 If you’re feeling rich and want to do something a bit more alternative then why not buy a camel for £95 from Oxfam? I presume this is not for yourself but for someone in a 3rd world country, as apparently they’re very useful over there.
BBC 1 11.35pm
PRIMETIME
6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Missing 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Bargain Hunt 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30pm: Sudo-Q 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Mona the Vampire 4:05 Pinky and the Brain 4:30 SMart 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Izzy catches Elle out in a lie. Liljana softens in her stance toward Serena. Ned shocks Stu with the news that he doesn't want to go home. 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Holiday 2006 7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Seaside Rescue 9:00 Shops, Robbers and Videotape 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 They Think It's All Over 11:05 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 11:35 FILM: The One and Only 1:10am: Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2:00 Sign Zone: Coast 3:00 Sign Zone: Britain's Streets of Booze 3:45 Joins BBC News 24 OK this is TV Jane’s 3rd page this week (I know this is Monday but I worked backwards through the week) and I’m running out of ‘random facts’ as has been the running theme so far, so this is going to be my Christmas special page. In which I hope to write random crap about Christmas and possinle festive activities you and your chums can partake in.
FILM: The One and Only
6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Morning Glory 9:00 Wake Up With Colin Firth 10:00 Basil Brush's Foxy Pop Babes 11:00 Basil Brush's Foxy Pop Babes 12:00 Jimmy Carr's Greatest Pop Stars 1:00 Jimmy Carr's Greatest Pop Stars 2:00 Hijacked By Public Enemy 2:55 Space Cadets Live Launch 3:55 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Boobies 5:30 Friends: The One With The Candy Hearts 5:55 Wife Swap 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With The Boobies 8:30 Friends: The One With The Candy Hearts 9:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 10:30 Space Cadets Live Anyway folks, this is the end of the page (obviously) and I have finally finished my 3 page stint! Wahoo! I wish you all a very merry/wasted Christmas, eat loads, sleep your ass off and get pissed off with your family after being with them for 2 days ‘cause that’s the way to the do it! So Merry Christmas and a Happy NEW Year! xx
06:00 Oswald 06:10 Oswald 06:25 The Save-Ums! 06:40 The Save-Ums! 06:50 Hi-5 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:10 Look! 08:15 Roobarb and Custard Too 08:25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08:40 Ebb and Flo 08:45 Sailor Sid 08:50 Franny's Feet 09:00 Bird Bath 09:10 Mio Mao 09:15 MechaNick 09:25 The Wright Stuff 10:30 Trisha Goddard 11:30 five news 12:00 Home and Away 12:30 BrainTeaser 13:30 Film: "Call of the Wild" 15:30 Film: "Mary Higgins-Clark's Remember Me" 17:30 five news 18:00 Home and Away 18:30 Family Affairs 19:00 five news 19:15 The Gadget Show 20:00 Fifth Gear 21:00 Film: "Ignition" 23:10 Plastic Surgery Ruined My Wife nice. I’m sure this won’t be full of gruesome piccys. 24:10 Dark Angel 01:05 Ultimate Strong Man 01:55 NFL Live Monday Night American Football 05:35 Motorsport Mundial If you’re stuck for prezzie’s this year then check out all these ‘experience’ gifts you can buy on t’internet, absolutely fuckin crazy. You can get a day clay-pigeon shooting for just £45! Fantastic or what? Or how about racing a JCB for a day for just £139? Fuckin hell, do people thing we’re that stupid? Why the hell would we want to pay £45 to shoot clay pigeons when we can just get a gun and shoot the ones on the street? Or pay £139 to race a JCB when you could just nick one and joy-ride?
PRIMETIME
University Challenge
Channel 5 01.05am
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Ultimate Strong Man
PRIMETIME
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06:20 THE HOOBS: Soggy Crispies 06:45 B4 07:10 FRIENDS: The One With Rachel's Crush 07:40 JUST SHOOT ME: Love Is in the Air 08:05 WILL AND GRACE: Yours, Mine or Ours 08:30 WILL AND GRACE: Secrets and Lays 09:00 FUTURAMA: The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings 09:30 H SIDE STORY 10:00 FAKING IT USA 11:00 FRIENDS: The One with Chandler's Dad 11:30 FRIENDS: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding 12:00 NEWS AT NOON 12:30 PLANED PLANT BACH 12:30 RIBIDIRÊS 12:45 SAM TÂN 13:00 BWS PARTI 13:15 HOUSE AUCTION 13:50 HOUSE AUCTION 14:25 DEAL OR NO DEAL 15:15 COUNTDOWN 16:00 PLANED PLANT 16:00 DENNIS A DANNEDD 16:23 CALENDR ADFENT 16:25 OFN! 16:50 FFEIL 17:00 RICHARD & JUDY 18:00 THE SIMPSONS: Lisa's Wedding 18:30 ROWND A ROWND 19:00 WEDI 7 19:30 NEWYDDION 20:00 POBOL Y CWM 20:25 FFERMIO 21:00 CEFN GWLAD 21:30 Y CLWB RYGBI: CWPAN HEINEKEN 22:30 SGORIO 23:35 SPACE CADETS 00:35 NOT FORGOTTEN: Survivors 01:30 SPACE CADETS 02:20 FILM: THE PILLOW
Tuesday
December 12 - 18 2005
Page 25
ohhaveyoudoneitonpurpose?@i’llleavetherestthen.com
Cash in the Attic
Ch4 1.20pm
BBC1 11.45pm
20.30 Advent 2005 20.35 Dinner with Portillo I can’t actually think of anything more revolting than sitting opposite Michael Portillo and watching him shovel gobs of foot between those puffy trout-lips of his. Seeing him laugh and wipe flecks of garlic sauce off his chin as he pontificates over whether to have the viagra fudge cake, or the creamy spotted dick. 21.05 Holidays in... Euroland 22.35 My Family and Autism An interesting take on the domestic sitcom starring Robert Lindsay, with autistic teenagers filling in the role of all the main characters. 23.35 The Autism Puzzle How to actively portray Zoe Wannamaker when you’re given lines like “I could just about kill you, Ben.” 24.35 Holidays in... Euroland 02.05 Euroblog 03.05 The Autism Puzzle 04.05 Close I’ve just seen an advert for a new comedy show hosted by that Westcountry prat who thinks that if you haven’t got anything good to say, shout it as loud as possible like a rabid pony in a Bristolian accent and that’ll be OK. I hate him.
6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Married 29 Years Wife Leave Your Lover and Take Me Back! 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Tricks of the Trade 3:00 Pocoyo Mystery Footprints 3:10 Pocoyo Hush 3:15 Tractor Tom Quiet Place 3:30 Blips Potter 3:45 Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids Bogman 4:00 Jungle Run 4:30 My Parents are Aliens 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Land of My Father 8:00 Neighbours From Hell 9:00 Secret Smile What’s with ITV1 naming all their crummy drama serials after song titles? What’s next? Born to Run, a show about Estonian asylum seekers trekking across South Shields being chased by the rozzers. Starring David Jason as Loudik Kazhezhtav. 10:30 ITV News Next week: Last of the Big Time Drinkers. Starring Brian Blessed as George Best. 11:00 Charlotte Church Confessions of a Teen Angel 0:00 Cannonball 8000 Destination Rome News just in: ITV1 are going to adapt the story of Dean Gaffney’s rise to fame. Working title: Bloody Motherfucking Asshole 0:55 FILM: Inventing the Abbotts Exploring the myth that Benedictine monks are a figment of a CGI genius and they never really existed. Well I’ve never seen one, have you? 2:40 FILM: The Haunted Heart 4:15 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News
9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7:30 Spin City: The Great Pretender 8:00 An Audience with Harry Hill 9:00 The British Comedy Awards at 15: Old Enough to Know Better Prediction: BBC1 purile pantomim for people with an attention span of three seconds, Little Britain, sweeps the board. Was Peep Show even nominated? 10:30 FILM: Lock Up 0:35 The Frank Skinner Show 1:35 The Ricki Lake Show 2:15 3rd Rock from the Sun Alien Hunter 2:40 Spin City: The Great Pretender 3:00 Teleshopping I saw a CD in a shop today called 50 Lovely Irish Songs by a chap called Shamrock Man. You know what, it featured that fucking JCB song wank. It’s not a credible song guys, don’t go anywhere near it. You’ve been warned 5:55 ITV2 Nightscreen
Bad Boys of the Blitz: Revealed five 8pm
6:10 The Treacle People: Up, Up And Away! 6:20 The Hoobs: The Drip 6:45 B4 7:10 Fiends: The One With Joey's Dirty Day 7:40 Just Shoot Me: Jack Gets Tough 8:10 Will & Grace: Grace, Replaced Due to a TV Grace no-show tonight, she has been replaced by editor Tom, and a hideously “tired and emotional” TV John. 8:30 Will & Grace: Will Works Out It’s true, I saw TV Willy in the gym on park place pushing weights infront of a picture of Hunter from Gladiators 8:55 T4 T4: Futurama 9:25 T4: H Side Story 9:55 T4: Faking It Usa 10:55 T4: Fiends: The One With Monica And Chandler's Wedding 11:30 T4: Fiends: The One After "I Do" 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Ed: Back In The Saddle 1:20 Small Railway Journeys 1:35 The Incident 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 The Political Slot: Conservative 8:00 You Are What You Eat: Michelle Mcmanus But I don’t want to eat Michelle Mcmanus! 9:00 Space Cadets 10:00 The Ghost Squad 11:05 Confidence Starring Dustin Hoffman, who has a big nose. I’ve just remembered when Dustin Hoffman dressed up as Johnny from Big Brother 3 on So Graham Norton. From Rain Man to dickhead egotistical geordie fireman in under twenty years. He’s got a big nose as well. 12:50 Dubplate Drama 1:05 Space Cadets Live 3:15 Wild Things 4:05 Wild Things 4:55 Origins: Ice World
PRIMETIME
19.00 Dreamspaces 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Man Stroke Woman 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Swiss Toni 24.30 3 Non-Blondes 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Man Stroke Woman 03.25 Swiss Toni 03.55 Close I’m in no fit state to be writing this tonight. After two Christmas “do”’s in as many days I’m well out of the festive spirit and I’m going to Scrooge it up for the next few weeks.. On the plus side though, I’ve sorted out almost all the presents I’m going to buy. Oh, you don’t care do you? Let’s talk about Lost shall we? Mmmm that show’s great. I just can’t believe how how great it is. Great great great. Happy now?
BBC3 10.25pm
P R I M E T I M E
P R I M E T I M E
6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Arthur 7:35 The Mysti Show 7:55 Newsround 8:00 SMart 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Barnaby Bear 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Words and Pictures Magic Pencil - Programme 4 The magic pencil is so condescending. When I ws five I found the idea of a computer animated light pen telling me how to draw the letter J, like I don’t know how to spell my own name. 10:15 Something Special 10:30 Primary History 10:50 Primary History 11:10 Making Sense of Health 11:30 The Chronicles of Narnia 11:45 Numbertime 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Watch Faith Stories: Islam and Prayer 1:15 Watch Faith Stories: Christianity and Jesus 1:30 Sn**ker: UK Championship 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two The story of TV desk tonight. In the sense that there’s two of us doing it, not the fact that we’re ballroom dancing around the office. Although I’m open to offers... 7:00 Sn**ker: UK Championship 8:00 Dragon's Den 9:00 Magnificent 7 Hopefully not the made-forTV shambles starring Ron Perlman that I watched during one intoxicated night during the summer. 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 21st-Century Bach 11:35 Snooker: UK Championship 12:25am: Snooker Extra: UK Championship 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools
PRIMETIME
6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Missing Like the deserts miss the rain. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Bargain Hunt 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30pm: Sudo-Q Any offers on what this is? Is it what it sounds like, televised sudoku? Is it time for me to leave the country? 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Alex decides to propose to Susan but finds his conviction wavering at the last minute. Good to see he’s taking a few minutes out from belting his kids for once. 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Mona the Vampire 4:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 4:30 SMart 5:00 Dance Factory Dangerous Dave Pearce gets compressed by a pneumatic pump and gets reprocessed as a jaffa cake 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Watchdog 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City 9:00 Crimewatch UK 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Crimewatch UK Update Crimewatch: overrated, discuss. 10:45 ONE Life 11:30 Medium The story of TV Gareths T shirt size. 12:15am: FILM: Amityville 3 1:45 Sign Zone: See Hear 2:30 Sign Zone: How to Rescue a House 3:00 Sign Zone: Britain's Streets of Booze Anyone know the sign language for “pissed up cuntfucker puking over my shoes in the toilets in metros”? 3:45 Joins BBC News 24
My Family and Autism
6:00 Space Cadets Live 2:55 Space Cadets 3:55 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Fiends: The One With The Stoned Guy 5:30 Fiends: The One With Two Parts 6:00 Space Cadets Live 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Space Cadets Live 8:00 Fiends: The One With The Stoned Guy 8:30 Fiends: The One With Two Parts 9:00 Without A Trace: The Bogie Man This is supposed to be genius. Like my current obsession, CSI, but dealing with missing people rather than dead people. Season 1 looks set to be entering sale-land pretty soon, I may invest. Then girls will like me. 10:00 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show Again, I can’t watch this either because I want to repeatedly slam Alex Zanes cock in a car door as it drives off. 10:30 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists Whereas I don’t even care what this is, becase I’m sold on the title alone. 11:00 The Ghost Squad: Necessary Means 12:05 Dubplate Drama 12:35 Space Cadets Live
06:00 Oswald 06:10 Oswald 06:25 The Save-Ums! 06:40 The Save-Ums! 06:50 Hi-5 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:10 Look! 08:15 Roobarb and Custard Too 08:25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08:40 Ebb and Flo 08:45 Sailor Sid 08:50 Franny's Feet 09:00 Bird Bath 09:10 Mio Mao 09:15 MechaNick 09:25 The Wright Stuff 10:30 Trisha Goddard 11:30 five news 12:00 Home and Away 12:30 BrainTeaser 13:30 Film: Profoundly Normal Starring TV John. 15:30 Film: Moment of Truth: Cult Rescue 17:30 five news followed by weather 18:00 Home and Away 18:30 Family Affairs 19:00 five news 19:15 Brian Sewell's Grand Tour 20:00 Bad Boys of the Blitz: Revealed 21:00 CSI: Miami The best TV show EVER. It’s like the X-Files, but less believable. 22:00 CSI:NY I still haven’t watched CSI:NY, but all rumours are pointing towards the notion that this out-ridiculouses everything you’ve previously witnessed on CSI. The idea of which makes me wet myself. 23:00 Law and Order 23:55 Fifth Gear 24:55 Dark Angel Stupid Buffy rip-off fantasy shit starring hideously overrated bint Jessica Alba, who is officially this years Scarlet Johanssen. That is, a Bmovie tart who made one good film and now people think she’s a credible actress. Think again, Honey. 01:50 NBA Basketball 04:40 Portuguese Football
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06:20 The Hoobs 06:45 B4 07:10 Fiends 07:40 Just Shoot Me 08:10 Will And Grace 08:30 Will And Grace 08:55 Futurama 09:25 H Side Story 09:55 Faking It Usa 10:55 Friends 11:30 Friends 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:50 Tomos A'i Ffrindiau 13:00 Triongl 13:15 3 Minute Wonder Shopping For Religion 13:25 River Cottage Road Trip 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 O Na! Y Morgans 16:23 Calendr Adfent 16:25 Top Yr Ysgol 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 The Simpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Y Byd Ar Bedwar 21:00 Gwynfor: Yr Aelod Dros Gymru? 22:05 Talcen Caled 23:00 Space Cadets 00:00 Grand Designs: Hastings 00:55 Without A Trace: Transitions 01:45 Space Cadets 03:00 Ed: The Proposal 03:45 Ed: Just A Formality 04:30 Diwedd/Close
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Wednesday
Page 26
December 12 - 18 2005
brainrot@TV Desk.com
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIERED! 029 20229977
19.00 Dreamspaces 19.30 Trauma Reading Hullfire 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Film: "The Thomas Crown Affair" Fish in a barrel. 22.50 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.20 Trauma Uncut I thought that said Tanya uncut. Urgh. 23.50 Trauma Uncut 24.20 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? 01.15 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.15 Trauma Uncut 02.45 Trauma Uncut 03.15 Dreamspaces 03.45 Close ...says St Peter. The second man pulls out a set of keys, shakes them and says, "They're bells." St Peter lets him pass. The third man looks desperate and finally pulls a g-string from his pocket. St. Peter looks quizzical and asks, "Just how do those symbolise Christmas?" The man replies, "They're Carols." Ba-dum! I must confess that one’s courtesy of Popbitch’s Old Joke’s Home.
19.00 Road to Revolution: Days That Shook the World That’ll be Rik Waller doing a 360 degree jump on the ol’ skateboard then? 20.00 The World See Science. 20.30 Advent 2005 2 0.35 Yes, Prime Minister What David Cameron hopes he’ll be shouting in a few years. Let’s bloody hope not. 21.05 Holidays in... Euroland Five go wild in Amsterdam, probably. 22.05 To Play the King Starring Spurs’ Ledley. 23.00 John Wyndham: The Invisible Man of Science Fiction 24.00 Cold War, Dirty Science 01.00 Road to Revolution: Days That Shook the World 02.00 Holidays in... Euroland 03.00 John Wyndham: The Invisible Man of Science Fiction 04.00 Close We’ve just found on Mailwatch (incorporating Express watch) a Daily Express front cover which includes the headline ‘Diana fund pays out to gypsies and asylum seekers’(!), a fit girl (now dead), a drugs reference and a story about the ‘war on Christmas’. Eega. What a piece of shit.
6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Dick vs Strudwick 7:30 Spin City The Apartment 8:00 The Xtra Factor: 24/7 9:00 My Teen's a Nightmare I'm Moving Out Starring Gail Platt. 10:00 Coronation Street Speak of the devil. And she really might just be. 10:30 The British Comedy Awards - Backstage 11:00 It's Good to Be P Diddy Is Sarah-Lou still a teen anymore anyway? She’s been in it longer than I can remember. Maybe Sally Webster. Her Sophi’s being a bit of a bint nowadays isn’t she? 11:30 The British Comedy Awards - The Party 0:30 FILM: Alien Resurrection 2:30 The Ricki Lake Show 3:10 Teleshopping 5:40 ITV2 Nightscreen God I’m bored. Mark Chapman is on TV. Tit.
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6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show My Husband Moved Me Out and His Mistress In! Starring Jennifer Aniston. 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel2:30 Tricks of the Trade 3:00 Pocoyo Pocoyo Dance 3:10 Pocoyo Drum Roll Please 3:15 Tractor Tom Come Back Dusty 3:30 Blips Hairdresser 3:45 Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids The Stickmen 4:05 Art Attack4:30 My Parents are Aliens Hot Gossip 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 The Bill Not something I need to be reminded about - I’m skint and will soon have British Gas’ bailliffs a’knocking on my door. Pissflaps. 9:00 The British Comedy Awards 2005 Not starring Jimmy Carr. It probably is actually. 10:30 ITV News Tabloid, trashy, patronising rubbish. Bit like gair rhydd really. 11:00 The British Comedy Awards 2005 11:30 Orange Playlist 0:00 50 Years of Rock 'n' Roll Starring Charlotte Church, Lesley Garrett, the pervs out of Bay City Rollers, the Osmons and, oh, let’s say Desmond from the eponymous 90s sitcom. 0:55 cd:uk Hotshots 1:20 Ricky Martin in Profile 1:45 ITV MOVIE CLASSIC SEASON:FILM: The Eiger Sanction 3:55 World Sport Featuring Portugese flan-diving, Ghanian dodgy email-sending and, my favourite French horn throwing from Mozambique. Brill. 4:20 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News
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6:00 Space Cadets Live 2:55 Space Cadets 3:55 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With Two Parts (Part 2/2) 5:30 Friends: The One With All The Poker 6:00 Space Cadets Live 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Space Cadets Live 8:00 Friends: The One With Two Parts (Part 2/2 - no shit) 8:30 Friends: The One With All The Poker 9:00 Desperate Housewives: One Wonderful Day 10:00 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show This week Amos challanges Cassini to a game of backgammon. 10:30 Rock School 11:00 Lost: The Greater Good 12:00 Point Pleasant: Missing 12:55 Space Cadets Live I was just wondering why people say ‘bless you’ when you sneeze. Apparently it was an actual blessing given by the Pop just before the plague. Which came in handy. I thought it was something to do with the devil going up your news. But that turns out to be, how do I put it, not very true.
06:00 Oswald 06:10 Oswald 06:25 The Save-Ums! 06:40 The Save-Ums! 06:50 Hi-5 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:10 Look! 08:15 Roobarb and Custard Too 08:25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08:40 Ebb and Flo 08:45 Sailor Sid 08:50 Franny's Feet 09:00 Bird Bath 09:10 Mio Mao 09:15 MechaNick 09:25 The Wright Stuff 10:30 Trisha Goddard 11:30 five news 12:00 Home and Away 12:30 BrainTeaser 13:30 Film: "Greener Fields" 15:30 Film: "The Art of Murder" Starring OJ Simpson. 17:30 five news 18:00 Home and Away 18:30 Family Affairs 19:00 five news followed by weather 19:30 UEFA Cup: Bolton Wanderers v Sevilla 22:00 Film: "Out for Justice" 23:50 The Gadget Show 24:35 Poker Wednesday: Partypoker:com European Open 02:05 UEFA Cup: Bolton Wanderers v Sevilla I think the chances of people watching this game twice are about as high as Harry Redknapp going back to Portsmouth. Eh? Oh. 03:35 Golf 04:25 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classic 04:45 Race and Rally UK 05:10 Argentinian Football Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," says Saint Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The first man goes through his pockets and pulls out a lighter, flicks it on, saying, "It represents a candle." "You may pass through the pearly gates," Cont. on BBC3
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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Arthur 7:35 The Mysti Show 7:55 Newsround 8:00 SMart 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu Pingu is actually Japanese, his name translates as The Ping 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Barnaby Bear 9:40 Tweenies See the original version of the Ring for a clue as to why this is. 10:00 Trade Secrets 10:10 FILM: Bachelor Mother 11:30 The Daily Politics 1:00pm: Murder at the Grange 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Snooker: UK Championship 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two To felch. 7:00 Snooker: UK Championship 8:00 Natural World 8:50 Red Stag Rut One presumes this is some sort of nature programme. However it sounds more like a strip joint in Arizona. 9:00 Rome 9:50 Scandal 10:20 What the Romans Did for Us The cat-flap, roundabouts, point out that the double Southern Comforts and Lemonades in Chiquitos that TV John charged to Silverscreen were £5.70 each, Space Cadets, aniseed balls, my balls, footballs, Channel 4, fizzy cola bottles, teach Japanese, edit Hullfire (what’s happened to that by the way?), Tom Wellingham. 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 21stCentury Bach 11:30 Snooker: UK Championship 12:30am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Alternative Speaking of alternative schools... Sixth-formers at Eton are called Specialists. Toffynosed wankers. I do quite like the sound of that though.
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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Missing 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Bargain Hunt 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30pm: Sudo-Q 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Alex proposes to Susan. A desperate Janelle acts to keep Kim from the kids. Zeke unwittingly fuels Bree's crush. Last week we had an article by someone pointing out that students like Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Mona the Vampire Expect an article in this week’s issue to feature the scoop ‘Bear, 29, defecates in forested area’. 4:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 4:30 SMart 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround Dull 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Honey We're Killing the Kids Anyway, your old pal TV Willy here. I’m making another cameo appearance after the mysterious disappearance of TV Grace. 8:00 What Not to Wear Have They Remembered ? 9:00 Life in the Undergrowth 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather Can one make a cameo after two consecutive appearances? Surely it’s more of a gueststarring kind of berth? 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 Imagine Rhythm Is It! 11:45 FILM: Titanic Town 1:25am: Sign Zone: ONE Life 2:05 Sign Zone: Garden School 2:35 Sign Zone: Coast 3:35 Sign Zone: Britain's Streets of Booze
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08:05 Will & Grace 08:30 Will & Grace 08:55 Futurama 09:30 H Side Story 10:00 Faking It Usa 11:00 Friends: The One With The Red Sweater 11:30 Friends: The One Where Rachel Tells... 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:45 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 3 Minute Wonder: Shopping For Religion 13:20 3 Minute Wonder: Shopping For Religion 13:25 You Are What You Eat: Michelle Mcmanus - Eight Stone Later 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:23 Calendr Arfent 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip? 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Round Springfield 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad Penawdau Newyddion I Ddilyn / News Headlines Follow. 21:00 04 Wal 21:30 Sioe Gelf 22:00 Space Cadets 23:00 Lost: Do No Harm 00:00 10 Years Younger Special 00:55 The Rolling Stones Video
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December 12 - 18 2005
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Walking with Monsters
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.......Anyway, to make this story even more sad and horrible, the scientist then saw the mallard rapist start pecking the dead duck’s head, mounted it and basically started having its wicked way. This carried on for 75 minutes. Are you shocked dear reader? I know Iam. I feel utterly sick. I don’t know what’s worse: a necrophilic (is that right?) duck or the fact that the scientist STOOD AND WATCHED for the whole 75 minutes and took photos throughout. But I’m sure that was just for his research. Sicko...
BBC4 19.00 The Avengers 19.55 Advent 2005 20.00 The World 20.30 Mind Games 21.00 The Cost of Betrayal: Days That Shook the World 22.00 Art Safari: Santiago Sierra 22.30 The Late Edition 23.00 Don't Watch That Watch This! 23.30 QI 24.00 The Cost of Betrayal: Days That Shook the World 01.00 The Late Edition 01.30 Don't Watch That Watch This! 02.00 Mind Games 02.30 Art Safari: Santiago Sierra 03.00 The Music of the Primes 04.00 Close I don’t know about you guys but my boyfriend often wonders why we never see baby pigeons (wow that makes him sound exciting doesn’t it, he is though really) and so I decided to have a mooch on the net to see if baby pigeons really do exist. And it turns out that the reason why you never see a baby pigeon is because their parents only have 2 babies at a time and so they spoil them rotten and make them stupidly fat so that by the time they leave the nest they look like every other ugly pigeon out there.................................
ITV 6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show I'll Prove You're not My Daughter! 10:30 This Morning I had crunchy cornflakes of the nut variety and a cup of tea. 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Tricks of the Trade 3:00 Pocoyo Umbrella Umbrella 3:10 Pocoyo A Mystery Most Puzzling 3:15 Tractor Tom The Great Sheep Race 3:30 Blips 3:45 Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids Athlete's Foot 4:00 All Grown Up! Rat Traps 4:30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch Sabrina's Real World Another random bit of information for you (I’m in the mood for random): If you’ve seen Robbie Williams’ new album, ‘Intensive Care’ in the shops (or you may have even bought it, who knows) you may have noticed that he’s got a weird little symbol stuck to the end of his finger on the front cover. Well, it turns out that the symbol is called a ‘sigil’ which is designed for a specific purpose and part of a spell......5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 The Ferret 8:00 The Bill 9:00 Doc Martin 10:00 Spitting Image Must See TV 10:30 ITV News 11:00 The Welsh Weekend Working Weekend 11:30 Soccer Night 0:00 Never to be Forgotten Personalities 0:30 IRB Rugby Sevens 0:55 Shoot the Writers! 1:20 The Chronicles of Narnia Movie Special 1:40 Providence The Phantom Menace 2:30 2003 Forever 3:20 ITV at the Movies 3:45 Cybernet 4:15 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News
ITV2 6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Near Dick Experience 7:30 Spin City Pride and Prejudice 8:00 Neighbours From Hell Prod Year 2005 9:00 Take That for the Record 10:30 FILM: Alien Resurrection TV Jane’s most recently watched films: ‘Secret Window’ starring Johnny Depp, ‘The Machinist’ (was very good but I can’t remember who was in it) and ‘Adaptation’ starring Nicholas Cage. 0:40 The Ricki Lake Show 1:30 3rd Rock from the Sun Near Dick Experience 1:55 Spin City Pride and Prejudice 2:20 Teleshopping 5:10 ITV2 Nightscreen.......Also, the pigeon parents feed their babies with this rich milk-like spit stuff thatthey produce in their throats then hack it up and pour it down the babies throat….yum...........................
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6:10 The Treacle People: It Must Be Fete 6:20 The Hoobs: Beautiful 6:45 B4 7:10 Friends: The One With The Fake Party 7:40 Just Shoot Me: When Nina Met Elliott's Mother 8:05 Will & Grace: Object Of My Rejection 8:30 Will & Grace: Guess Who's Not Coming To Dinner 9:00 T4 T4: Futurama: A Pharaoh To Remember 9:30 T4: H Side Story 4/4 10:00 T4: Faking It Usa 11:00 T4: Friends: The One With The Videotape 11:30 T4: Friends: The One With Rachel's Date 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Ed: Pressure Points 1:20 3 Minute Wonder: Bully 4 U: Bully 1:25 Hans Christian Andersen 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Tree House Of Horror X 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News .....It is said such symbols are used to draw up angels or demons. I reckon he freaked when he knew Take That was coming back so he decided to hire these crazy magician guys in order to make sure we’re all under his spell and buy his album. Well, he is number 2 in the album charts at the mo….spooky. 7:55 The Political Slot: Scottish National Party 8:00 Gordon Ramsay's F Word 9:00 Space Cadets 10:00 Songbirds 11:05 Indecent Proposal 1:10 Space Cadets Live 3:10 To The Ends Of The Earth: Pacific Hell 4:05 Unreported World: Pakistan's Double Game 4:35 Wild Things 5:25 Countdown 6:10 Close Here’s another random TV Jane fact for you: Did you know that 1/10 mallards (they’re ducks in case you didn’t know) are gay? Yes. Gay. More camp than Glastonbury dudes...
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BBC2 6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Arthur 7:35 The Mysti Show 7:55 Newsround 8:00 SMart 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Barnaby Bear 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 FIFA World Club Championship Semi-Final 12:20pm: The Flying Gardener 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Snooker: UK Championship 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Snooker: UK Championship 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Restored to Glory 9:00 Russian Godfathers 10:00 Sensitive Skin my legs are so itchy this winter, it is absolutely killing me. Seriously, it’s disturbing my sleep. Anyone got any tips other than to moisturise? 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 21st-Century Bach 11:25 21st-Century Bach 11:30 Snooker: UK Championship 12:30am: The Culture Show 1:30 Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Alternative BBC3 19.00 Dreamspaces 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Who Rules the Roost? 22.00 EastEnders I really really really don’t want Nana Moon to die guys. I love her, she is so lovely. Alfie can go though, I don’t care about him. 22.30 Trauma Uncut 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Trauma Uncut 24.00 Desperate Midwives 24.30 Desperate Midwives 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Who Rules the Roost? 02.55 Trauma Uncut 03.25 Trauma Uncut 03.55 Close
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6:00 Space Cadets Live 2:55 Space Cadets 3:55 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One Where The Monkey Gets Away 5:30 Friends: The One With The Evil Orthodontist 6:00 Space Cadets Live 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Space Cadets Live 8:00 Friends: The One Where The Monkey Gets Away 8:30 Friends: The One With The Evil Orthodontist 9:00 One Tree Hill: The Tide That Left And Never Came Back 10:00 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 10:30 Tommy Lee Goes To College 11:00 Bamboozle: The Secret Tv Game Show 11:40 Criss Angel Mindfreak 12:10 Space Cadets Live ........Oh, and by the way, if YOU find a baby pigeon, the best place for it to be is back with its parents….
FIVE 06:00 Oswald 06:10 Oswald 06:25 The Save-Ums! 06:40 The Save-Ums! 06:50 Hi5 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:10 Look! 08:15 Roobarb and Custard Too 08:25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08:40 Ebb and Flo 08:45 Sailor Sid 08:50 Franny's Feet 09:00 Bird Bath 09:10 Mio Mao 09:15 MechaNick 09:25 The Wright Stuff 10:30 Trisha Goddard 11:30 five news 12:00 Home and Away 12:30 BrainTeaser 13:30 Film: "Baker's Hawk" 15:30 Film: "Final Descent" 17:30 five news 18:00 Home and Away 18:30 Family Affairs 19:15 Prehistoric Sea Cow: Great Ocean Adventures 20:00 How Not to Decorate 21:00 Aircrash Investigations 22:00 Killer Instinct 23:00 Naked Celebrity 24:00 John Barnes' Football Night 24:50 Golazo Football Show 01:40 Dutch Football 03:10 Portuguese Football 04:35 Argentinian Football But hey there’s more to it than that prepare to be shocked..... mallards are known to partake in attempted ‘rape flights’, apparently rape is a general form of reproduction in mallards. But guys, it gets worse again, The scientist that has carried out research into this kinda thing first came across such a phenomenon when he came across a dead mallard outside his office window that had fallen in flight and died due to this other bastard mallard trying to rape him, poor fucker....(this shocking tale continues on BBC3 dear reader)....................
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06:20 THE HOOBS: 06:45 B4 07:10 FRIENDS 07:40 JUST SHOOT ME: When Nina Met Elliott's 08:05 WILL AND GRACE: Object of My 08:30 WILL AND GRACE: Guess Who's Not Coming To 09:00 FUTURAMA: A Pharaoh to Remember 09:30 H SIDE STORY 10:00 FAKING IT USA 11:00 FRIENDS: The One With The Videotape 11:30 FRIENDS: The One With Rachel's Date12:00 NEWS AT NOON 12:30 PLANED PLANT BACH 12:30 BARRUG 13:00 CLWB CLEBER 13:15 HOUSE AUCTION 13:45 DEAL OR NO DEAL 14:30 DEAL OR NO DEAL 15:15 COUNTDOWN 16:00 PLANED PLANT 16:00 CRAFWR 16:23 CALENDR ADFENT 16:25 TELEDU EDDIE 16:50 FFEIL 17:00 RICHARD & JUDY 18:00 THE SIMPSONS 18:30 HIP NEU SGIP? 19:00 WEDI 7 19:30 NEWYDDION 20:00 POBOL Y CWM 20:25 DUDLEY 21:00 CAROLAU O LANGOLLEN: MILOEDD O LEISIAU'R NADOLIG 22:00 SPACE CADETS 23:00 THE GHOST SQUAD: Firewall 00:00 OPUS DEI AND THE DA VINCI CODE 00:55 4PLAY: BURT BACHARACH 01:05 ROBBIE WILLIAMS: VIDEO EXCLUSIVE 01:10 SPACE CADETS 03:00 ED: Back in the Saddle 03:45 ED: Hidden Agendas
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19.00 Coast 20.00 The World 20.30 Advent 2005 20.35 The Cinema Show 21.00 Antony and the Johnsons: BBC Four Sessions 22.00 The Highland Sessions 22.30 The Avengers 23.20 The Late Edition 23.50 The Thick of It 24.20 Don't Watch That Watch This! 24.50 The Cinema Show 01.15 The Late Edition 01.45 Antony and the Johnsons: BBC Four Sessions 02.45 Stuart Sutcliffe: the Lost Beatle 03.45 The Highland Sessions 04.15 Close Serene Republic, Broken Social Scene - Broken Social Scene, With A Cape And A Cane - The Joggers, Picaresque - The Decemberists, Mice Parade Bem Vinda Vontade, Mt. Eerie The Flashlight, Seperation Sunday - The Hold Steady, In Case We Die - Architecture In Helsinki, Pony Up EP- Pony Up. I probably missed some. But I didn’t miss the Arcade Fire album, what with it being released in 2004 and all. Televisually I must say my highlights are lacking, what with me not really liking TV and all. However Deal Or No Deal continues to make me
6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55 Airline 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 Trisha 4:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5:45 Judge Judy 7:00 ITV at the Movies 7:30 The Xtra Factor: 24/7 8:30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 9:30 The Frank Skinner Show 10:30 Coronation Street 11:00 It's All Gone King Kong! 11:30 FILM: Predator 1:35 The Ricki Lake Show 2:15 Teleshopping 5:15 ITV2 Nightscreen moist and the current series of Peep Show is meeting all expectations. Everybody Loves Raymond however would take the crown as it’s frankly quite offensive position as second fiddle to Will And Grace is alleviated slightly as i goes PRIMETIME MOTHERFUCKER. There’s probably other stuff that would be really good. Stuff that TV John likes, but it goes on too long for me and if it’s on after 10pm on a schoolnight i stand no chance of watching it.
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06:00 Oswald 06:10 Oswald 06:25 The Save-Ums! 06:40 The Save-Ums! 06:50 Hi-5 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:10 Look! 08:15 Roobarb and Custard Too 08:25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08:40 Ebb and Flo 08:45 Sailor Sid 08:50 Franny's Feet 09:00 Bird Bath 09:10 Mio Mao 09:15 MechaNick 09:25 The Wright Stuff 10:30 Trisha Goddard 11:30 five news 12:00 Home and Away 12:30 BrainTeaser 13:30 Film: "Kids Like These" 15:30 Film: "One Special Night" I would like to think that this afternoon’s five films are a continuation of each other. So would...(insert celebrity paedo rumour here). 17:30 five news 18:00 Home and Away 18:30 Family Affairs 19:00 five news 19:30 Pimp My Ride UK 20:00 Shark Bites - Fact and Fiction 21:00 Film: "Analyze This" 23:05 Film: "A Nightmare on Elm Street" 24:45 Film: "Beloved" 03:50 The Dead Zone 2005 special: gone but not (thanks to internet search engines) forgotten: Eddie Guerrero, George Best, Luther Vandross, Pope John Paul II, Edward Heath, Ethel from Eastenders, Rosa Parks, James Callaghan, Johnny Carson, Lindsey Lohan, Ernst Mayr, Sandra Dee, Tony The Tiger...and here’s hoping the yeard rags out long enough for Thatcher to get a piece of the action (just to put her out of her misery like, not ‘cause I’m some namby-pamby lefty student. 04:30 Sunset Beach 05:15 Sunset Beach
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6:10 The Treacle People: Stormy Weather 6:20 The Hoobs: Art 6:45 B4 7:10 Friends: The One With Rachel's New Dress 7:40 Just Shoot Me: Dial 'N' For Murder 8:05 Will & Grace: Election 8:30 Will & Grace: Das Boob 9:05 T4 T4: T4 In Narnia 9:55 T4: Pepsi Max Downloaded: Highlights 11:00 T4: Friends 11:30 T4 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Ed: Best Wishes 1:20 House Auction 1:50 Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:35 Friends: The One In Barbados 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond: I Wish I Were Gus “How can I put this sensitively? Your Uncle Gus...dead!”. As Ray is giving the eulogy at his favorite uncle's, Gus, funeral, his Aunt Alda arrives to rekindle a family feud. Aunt Alda and her sister Marie haven't spoken since Ray and Debra's wedding seven years ago, when Aunt Alda didn't like where she was seated. Ray begs them both not to start trouble at the funeral, hoping that his eulogy about the importance of family will change their minds. 8:30 The Simpsons 9:00 Space Cadets: Live Finale 10:00 Peep Show 10:30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 11:05 Jimmy Carr: Live 12:10 Edtv 2:25 World Cup Snowboard 4:10 Transworld Sport 5:05 4endurance: Us Challenge 5:30 Countdown 6:15 Close
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6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Surprise Reunions 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Today with Des and Mel 2:30 Tricks of the Trade 3:00 Pocoyo A Present for Elly 3:10 Pocoyo The Big Sneeze 3:15 Tractor Tom Rev the Hero 3:30 Blips Waiter 3:45 Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids Grass Monkey 4:00 Disney's The Legend of Tarzan Challenger 4:30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: The Long and Winding Short Cut 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30 Airline 9:00 Taggart. Dead Man Walking 10:30 ITV News 11:00 Fact Hunt 11:30 The Frank Skinner Show Gary Lineker is fucking brill. And he’s on tonight, which makes that proclomation all the more relevant. I’d quite like Gary Lineker to be my dad. We’d go play football in the park and then eat crisps and slag off Graham Taylor. 0:30 Numb3rs. Sniper Zero 1:20 Shoot the Writers! 1:45 Quizmania 4:00 ITV Nightscreen My nightscreen is Football Manger as i find it difficult to pull myself away from my current game as Weymouth. Infact if I finish this page in the next 10 minutes it’s faesible for me to go home before my lecture and get an hour’s worth of gaming in. 5:30 ITV Early Morning News Christmas is dead, Christmas is dead, Christmas is dead, Christmas is dead.
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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Arthur 7:35 The Mysti Show 7:55 Newsround 8:00 SMart 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Pingu 9:05 Clifford's Puppy Days 9:25 Barnaby Bear 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Henry's Wives with Terry Deary 10:10 Making Sense of Health 10:30 Primary History 10:50 BBC Primary Arabic 11:10 Primary Geography 11:20 Focus 11:40 Focus 11:50 Emotional Literacy 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:30 Snooker: UK Championship 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 Snooker: UK Championship 8:00 Garden School 9:00 The Wolves of Gysinge 9:50 Posh Nosh 10:00 QI With Bailey, O’Briain, Jupitus and Davies. Bailey will make jokes about animals and goblins and make continual stupid faces. It’s getting old for me now. 10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:45 Snooker: UK Championship 12:50 FILM: Cat People Lion-O, Lion-O, Tygra, Cheetara, Panthro, Wilykit, Wilykat, Snarf, Lynx-O, Pumyra, Bengali, Jaga. Cat Power, Cat Stevens, Cat the film editor from Quench2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Civil War 2:30 Civil War 3:00 Civil War 3:30 Civil War 4:00 Ever Wondered? 4:30 The Art of Breathing 5:00 The Lapedo Child About a French Paedophile child no doubt. We can only hope. I can also now leave in order to play Football Manager. Awesome-o.
C4 1.20pm
Kids Like These
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19.00 Dreamspaces 19.30 Trauma 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Man Stroke Woman 23.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.00 Man Stroke Woman 01.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? 03.55 Close Well, it’s the end of the year, which I should think is a reasonable excuse for filling up space with mindless lists. I’m trying to do this less, I spend more time now eating pizza and playing ‘Cock, Bum, Muffhole’ with my fellow TV Deskers. But, irrespective of that, here are mt albums of the year: Not On Top - Herman Dune, Tanglewood Numbers Silver Jews, Underwater Cinematographer - The Most
House Auction
BBC2 12.50am
P R I M E T I M E
6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Missing 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Bargain Hunt 11:45 Cash in the Attic 12:30p Sudo-Q I don’t know why I haven’t seen this yet. Though the prospect of Eamonn Holmes going all day-time number puzzles on my ass is certainly very enticing. 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:05 Animal Park 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Mona the Vampire 4:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 4:30 The Basil Brush Show 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 A Question of Sport 7:30 Spending Other People's Money 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Bleak House 9:00 Have I Got News for You 9:30 Best of They Think It's All Over If this include anything post-Gower they’re lieing. 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Tonight John is joined by Take That (making it ‘Eight Poofs and a Piano’ surely?) and has music from The Foo Fighters. Take That > Foo Fighters. Why would you let Take That on your program and then allow The Sodding Foo Fighters to sing ahead of them. I despair. 11:35 FILM: Saturday Night Fever 1:35am: Joins BBC News 24
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Cat People
Comic Side Of Seven Days BBC3 11pm
P R I M E T I M E
BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGLAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 DELIERED!
06:20 The Hoobs: Art 06:45 B4 07:10 Friends: Rachel's New Dress 07:40 Just Shoot Me: Dial 'N' For Murder 08:05 Will And Grace: Election 08:30 Will And Grace: Das Boob 09:05 T4 In Narnia 09:55 Pepsi Max Downloaded: Highlights 11:00 Friends: The One With The Halloween Party 11:30 Friends: The One With The Stain 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Ribidirês 12:45 Pingu 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 House Auction 13:45 Deal Or No Deal 14:30 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Dan Datrys 16:23 Calendr 16:25 Bôrd 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Lemon Of Troy 18:25 Uned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Gwyn Hughes Jones A Shan Cothi 21:30 Blwyddyn Bedwyr Williams 22:00 Cnex 22:15 Space Cadets 23:20 Jimmy Carr Live 00:20 Peep Show 00:45 Film: Nuns On The Run (1990) 02:20 4music Presents David Gray 02:45 British Supermoto Championship
Saturday
December 12 - 18 2005
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BBC2 5.50am
19.00 BBC Three Outtakes Show If there was any justice every program throughout this evening would just be a section of this program. ie. everything on BBC3 deserves to be outtaken. 19.20 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody 20.20 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.20 Film: "The Jackal" 23.20 Man Stroke Woman 23.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.20 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.50 The Comic Side of 7 Days Craig David reveals the bloopers from his smash hit single Seven Days. Like on Tuesday he didn’t just take her for a drink but he also tripped over the kerb outside the pub. And all that making love on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday and Saturday was slightly waylaid when he got a penis in his eye. HI-lar-ious. 01.20 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? 02.20 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 03.15 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.45 Two Pints of Lager Again and Again
19.00 Art That Shook the World 19.50 Film: "Battleship Potemkin" Rusian film-o-rama. I’m hoping for bad dubbing rater than subtitles, though it doesn’t really matter as I shant be watching anyway. A glance at imdb tells me this is a dramatized account of a great Russian naval mutiny and a resulting street demonstration which brought on a police massacre. However, perhaps more tellingly on the message board section for this film is a topic entitled “Wow...those Russian chicks are ugly” and another which goes like “New Battleship Potemkin soundtrack from Pet Shop Boys”, so i’d say to expect some homo-erotic navy boy action...hey, maybe I will watch afterall. 21.00 The Cinema Show 21.25 Film: "Son of the Bride" 23.20 Advent 2005 23.25 Don't Watch That Watch This! 23.55 The Thick of It 24.25 The Late Edition 24.55 Antony and the Johnsons: BBC Four Sessions 01.55 Holidays in... Euroland 03.25 Don't Watch That Watch This! 03.55 Close
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6:00 GMTV 6:00 Wakey! Wakey! 7:25 Toonattik9:25 MOM 11:30 cd:uk 12:30 ITV News; Weather 12:35 ITV Wales News and Weather 12:40 Creature Comforts Working Animals 12:50 ITV at the Movies 1:20 FILM: Winning London 3:10 Inspector Morse Sins of the Fathers 5:10 ITV Wales News and Weather 5:25 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5:40 Christmas Mania 2005 I assume this will be a host of contemporary pop stars and Martine Muccutcheon performing Christmas songs. I have deduced this from the fact that ITV’s ingeniously entitled Film mania 2005 was a very similar affair but with Christmas songs replaced with songs from films. I’m personally looking forward to ‘Easter-mania’ which I am to believe includes cholestrol’s own Rik Waller performing his version of ‘Chik-Chik-Chik-ChikChicken’. 6:40 The X Factor Not just any old “The X Factor”, but if i am correct this should be le final grande as they would say in bluffing GCSE French. I think that by this stage Andy should be gone and we’ll be left with Brenda, Journey South and that one who’s like Justin Timberlake whose name I can’t remember. He’ll probably win though and Sharon will act all cunty again. 8:10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9:10 The X Factor Results 10:10 Parkinson 11:10 ITV News 11:25 FILM: Raising Cain That bloke from Emmerdale, not the wrestler.1:05 Quizmania 5:30 ITV Early Morning News
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6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Rachel's Favourite Food for Friends 12:00pm: See Hear 12:45 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 1:15 FILM: Clash of the Titans 3:05 Monk 3:50 One Man and His Dog: The Heats Dogs on heat? Mind your legs people!! 4:30 Snooker: UK Championship 5:10 What the Papers Say Review 2005 5:50 One Man and His Dog: The Final What’s Blunkers up to now? I fear he may be out of work as this series comes to an end. Unemployed for Christmas, what will his multiple mistresses do? 6:30 Flog It! 7:30 Dad's Army 8:00 I Told you I Was Ill: The Life and Legacy of Spike Milligan 9:00 Snooker: UK Championship 10:30 Paul McCartney: Chaos and Creation at Abbey Road 11:30 Foley and McColl: This Way Up A dramatised version of what happened when WWF wrestling legend Mick ‘Mankind’ Foley and former Morrissey loving (now dead) ginger fatty Kirsty McColl gave up their day jobs to work at a removal and delivery firm. 12:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 12:30 Classic Albums 1:20 Later with Jools Holland 2:25 FILM: The Window The genre of this is described as being “1940s Ultraviolence”. This is (TRUE FACT) banned in Finland and features scenes of some guy being stabbed to death with scissors. It’s in Black And White though so the blood may be disappointing. 3:35 Close
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6:00am: CBeebies: Tikkabilla 6:35 Pingu 6:50 Brum 7:00 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 7:25 Arthur 7:50 Taz-Mania 8:10 Legend of the Dragon 8:35 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11:00 Top of the Pops Reloaded So long as Fearne ‘indie as a Coca Cola Enema’ Cotton is on this program the only thing i want to see reloaded is this here shot gun. 11:45 Sportsround 12:00 BBC News; Weather 12:10 Football Focus 1:00 Grandstand 1:05 Racing from Windsor 2:30 Snooker: UK Championship 4:30 Final Score Footage of George Best trying to seduce ex wife Alex whilst at his death bed. 5:10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:30 All Time Greatest Party Songs 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing 7:50 The National Lottery: Millionaire Manor 8:30 Casualty 9:20 Strictly Come Dancing 10:10 BBC News; Weather 10:30 Match of the Day 11:50 FILM: Scanners gair rhydd computer guru Graham battles an army of Scanners that are sent to take over the office. Armed only with a hole punch and disarming knowledge of all things Apple Mac, will Graham be able to fend off his enemies and help the issue go to print on time? How will he cope with this and everybody elses constant questioning of ‘How do i make that template thing come back?”. Spoiler: Graham will win. Graham ALWAYS WINS!! 1:35am: Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2:35 Joins BBC News 24
Tutankhamun Exhumed C4 7.50pm
6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12:10 Coronation Street Omnibus 2:30 Date My Daughter 3:15 Planet's Funniest Animals 3:40 The Record of the Year 2005 4:55 The Record of the Year 2005: The Results Insult pretentious overtly superior indie ass hole comments here. Save me the hassle. 5:40 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 6:40 Staff from Hell 7:40 Orange Playlist 8:10 The Xtra Factor Yes, that is what i need as I cling on to the very last moments of half decent Saturday night television before they inevitably bring something presented by Davina McCall back. Hopefully this will include tears (no, not of joy) and some rather over-zealous post watershed happy, swearing as Shayne probably turns out to be gay, and Brenda isn’t black afterall. Not that it matters like, I’m just saying. Sharon’s still a cunt though. 9:10 Gardeners from Hell 10:10 The Xtra Factor 11:10 FILM: Predator 1:20 The X Factor 2:45 The X Factor Results 3:35 Emmerdale Omnibus 5:50 Nightscreen
All Time Greatest Party Songs
6:15 The Hoobs: That Noise 6:40 The Hoobs: Our Friend Flash 7:05 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 Freesports On 4: Snowboarding 8:00 The Morning Line 8:55 T4 T4: Futurama: Godfellas 9:25 T4: T4 Icon: Gwen Stefani 10:00 T4: Friends: The One That Could Have Been 10:30 T4: Popworld 11:20 T4: Friends: The One That Could Have Been 11:55 T4: The Simple Life: Interns 12:25 T4: The Simple Life: Interns 1:00 T4: Totally Frank 1:30 T4: T4 Presents: King Kong 2:00 Channel 4 Racing From Haydock Park And Newcastle 3:50 A Place In The Sun 4:20 Deal Or No Deal It takes a really great TV program to cope with 6 days a week programming. Well, a great program or Emmerdale it would seem. 5:05 Gordon Ramsay's F Word 6:05 Unreported World: Colombia's Secret War I question the intelligence of any nationally broadcast television program with the word ‘secret’ in the title. 6:35 Channel 4 News 7:05 Tutankhamun Exhumed 8:05 Demolition 9:10 Good Will Hunting An insight into the private life of TV Willy as a camera crew joins him at Christmas for a spot of pheasant hunting at his country manor. Northerners can be posh too y’know. 11:30 4music: Storytellers: Coldplay 12:30 4music: Dubplate Drama 12:45 4music: The Hives: Live In Concert 1:45 4music: Hit40uk 2:10 Coming Up: Randomer 2:35 Freesports On 4: Globe World Cup 3:30 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 3:55 Wild Things 4:40 Countdown 5:25 Switched 5:50 Close
6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 The All Star Wake Up Call - Boys 9:00 The All Star Wake Up Call - Boys 10:00 Nothing But Kylie 11:00 Nothing But Kylie...Continues 11:20 Kylie - Fever 2002 12:30 Space Cadets: Live Finale 1:30 Space Cadets: The Satellite Show 2:00 Hit40uk 2:35 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00 Friends: The One With The Cuffs 5:30 Friends: The One With The Ballroom Dancing 6:00 The O.C.: The Distance The O.C. stopped being half good when Seth started caring and missed Death Cab playing at the bait shop because he had girl issues. What a knob.7:00 Brat Camp Usa 8:00 Friends: The One With The Cuffs 8:30 Friends: The One With The Ballroom Dancing 9:00 The 100 Greatest Films 12:05 T4 Presents: King Kong 12:35 Porn: A Family Business: Broadcass 1:15 Porn: A Family Business: Real Asstate 1:50 Wife Swap 2:50 Average Joe 3:45 Porn: A Family Business: Broadcass 4:15 Brat Camp Usa 4:55 Average Joe
BBC1 5.30pm
06:00 Sunrise 06:55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 07:55 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08:15 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08:30 Franklin 09:00 Gerald McBoing Boing 09:35 Don't Blame the Koalas 10:05 Dragon Booster 10:30 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11:25 Home and Away Omnibus 13:30 Film: "Major Barbara" 15:30 Extreme Makeover: Home Edition 16:35 Film: "Jack Frost" Naturally due to it being Christmas all films filed under ‘semantic field: cold’ at the five offices are going to be wheeled out. This is either going to be the Jack Frost where a serial killer dies, is reincarnated as a snow man and then comes back killing, or more likely the family friendly version where a bad father dies, is then reincarnated as a snow man and comes back to make his son’s Christmas a great one. I’m hoping for a hybrid of the two, though 4.35pm gives me the feeling this is unlikely. Bah Humbug. 18:25 Charmed 19:10 Star Trek: Voyager 20:05 Star Trek: Voyager 21:00 five news and sport 21:20 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22:20 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23:15 Film: "A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge" 24:50 Film: "Murder Scene" BBC 1, 11am, please dear God. 02:35 Short Story Cinema 03:00 The Love Boat 03:50 Sunset Beach Unliked woman at sunset in my highly convincing Mexican accent. 04:30 Sunset Beach 05:15 Trading Spouses
029 20229977
PRIMETIME
One Man And His Dog
BBC1 8.30pm
P R I M E T I M E
Casualty
BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGLAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 DELIERED!
06:10 The Hoobs: Groove's Wish 06:35 The Hoobs: Pig Full Of Surprises 07:00 French Football: Le Championnat 07:30 4endurance: Us Challenge 08:00 Morning Line 08:50 Scrapheap Challenge 09:50 Totally Frank 10:20 The Simple Life: Interns 10:45 H Side Story 11:15 Girls Aloud: Live In Concert 12:20 Stargate SG-1: Endgame 13:10 Star Trek: Enterprise: Observer Effect 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 16:15 Property Ladder 17:15 Property Ladder 18:15 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 18:30 Y Clwb PêlDroed 19:00 Twrio 20:30 Noson Lawen 21:30 Y Clwb Rygbi: Cwpan Heineken 22:30 Cnex 22:45 Space Cadets 23:45 The Comedians' Comedian 02:35 Kaiser Chiefs: Live At The Fillmore 03:30 Kotv 03:55 Ed: Death, Debt & Dating 04:40 Ed: The Offer 05:25 Diwedd/Close
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIERED! 029 20229977
Sunday
Page 30
December 12 - 18 2005
tv@flaps.com
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIERED! 029 20229977
BBC3 19.00 Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 The Story of... I Will Survive this night though I’ve got a feeling it’s gonna be a long one. 22.00 Little Britain 22.30 Man Stroke Woman 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days Have you heard about this new board game available in the US entitled ‘Battle to Baghdad, the Fight for Freedom’? The game’s set in March 2003, you have a bunch of American troops and the aim is to conquer Baghdad without loosing all your troops.Apparently the game includes cards that you draw with phrases on like: "Car bomber... You lose 200 troops" ....... 24.30 Swiss Toni 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Man Stroke Woman 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.25 Swiss Toni 03.55 Close
BBC4 19.00 21st Century Bach 19.05 Jungle Magic eewww, I’ve just seen two spiders mating on the TV…but the females spun the male up in silk and is planning on eating him later (after she’s had her wicked way of course…hehe) 19.55 Advent 2005 20.00 Christmas Oratorio from Weimar 20.30 Angela Gheorghiu's Romanian Journey 21.30 The Story of the Ghost Story 22.00 The Signalman 22.40 The Green Man 23.35 M R James: The Ash Tree 24.10 Don't Watch That Watch This! 24.40 The Thick of It 01.10 The Late Edition 01.40 Holidays in... Euroland 02.40 Angela Gheorghiu's Romanian Journey 03.40 Don't Watch That Watch This! 04.10 Close........and there’s another one with a female soldier with a naked detainee on a leash that says "Disgrace: Some soldiers are found guilty of unlawful treatment and inhumane acts of violence toward Iraqi prisoners. You lose 100 troops!" Could you get anything more sick? Does that not seem a little bizarre or is it just me?
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ITV 6:00 GMTV 6:00 News 6:10 The Sunday Programme 7:25 Toonattik9:25 The Championship 10:25 The X Factor 11:55 The X Factor Results 12:55 Jonathan Dimbleby including ITV News and Weather 1:50 ITV Wales News and Weather 2:00 Waterfront 2:30 Wales Decided to do what? Expand? Run away? Destroy England? Breed more sheep? Kick out all students? 2005 3:25 My Uncle Silas The Race 3:55 Doctor Zhivago 5:15 A Story of Cardiff 5:45 ITV Wales News and Weather 6:05 ITV News; Weather 6:25 Heartbeat Christmas Album 6:50 Coronation Street Family Album 7:20 Creature Comforts Animal Magnetism the best 10 minutes of TV on ITV all day. 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Heartbeat Auld Acquaintance 9:00 Wallis and Edward 11:00 ITV News 11:15 OFI Sunday 0:00 Faith and Music 0:45 World Sport 1:10 Quizmania 2:00 Local Heroes UK 2:25 Hitler's Fixer 3:20 Maggie: The First Lady The Bitter End 4:15 Love 2 Shop 4:45 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News We appear to have lost two members of the TV Team tonight, which is actually HALF so you’ll have to bare with me if this all starts to sound like a load of babble (though I know it always does, but today it could be rather dire babble). So who knows where TV Grace and TV Gareth have gone. Is this really in the TV spirit is it? Apparently TV Gareth did his pages yesterday.......................
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BBC2 6:00am: CBeebies: Tikkabilla ....Unacceptable words are ones that do not, such as cat, dog, homes, socks, pants, movies, etc. Once people have figured it out of course, you can't play it anymore, but it's great if no one has heard of it. 6:35 Pingu 6:40 Pingu 6:45 Pingu 6:50 Brum 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:10 Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo 7:30 Smile you depressing mother fucker it’s CHRISTMAS! 10:00 FIFA World Club Championship Final 12:20pm: Sunday Grandstand 12:25 Ski Sunday 1:10 Showjumping from Olympia 3:00 Snooker: UK Championship 5:30 Bill Oddie in Tiger Country 6:10 Natural World 7:00 Top of the Pops 8:00 Snooker: UK Championship 10:30 Match of the Day 2 11:20 Extras 11:50 American Dad 12:15am: Family Guy this cartoon is soooo bizarre I absolutely love it, what a giggle. 12:35 The Office: An American Workplace 1:00 Later with Jools Holland 2:05 Joins BBC News 24 4:50 Close I don’t know if you guys know but there is actually a difference between Father Christmas and Santa Claus, it has to do with where they originate from. Father Christmas originates from the old Paganism thing. Apparently back in the really old days an old dude in every community would wrap up warm and visit every household. Everybody would give him food and drink as it was thought that the old dude carried the spirit of winter so they treated him nice. On the other hand,Santa Claus is based on the figure of Saint Nicholas, a bishop from Turkey who gave gifts to the poor. So there you go folks, TV Jane’s little mini Christmas history section!
Channel 5 10.35am
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SUNDAY BBC 1 6:00am: Breakfast 7:35 Match of the Day 9:00 Sunday AM 10:00 Stranger in the Manger? 11:00 Countryfile 12:00pm: BBC News 12:35 Cash in the Attic 1:20 Murder, She Wrote 2:05 EastEnders 4:00 Bleak House 5:00 Lifeline 5:10 Songs of Praise 5:45 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 6:10 Antiques Roadshow 7:00 The Story of God 8:00 Last of the Summer Wine but nobody cares because there’s loads of mulled wine and that’s pretty good too, it has the right effect if you drink enough. 8:30 Test the Nation 10:00 BBC News; Weather 10:15 Test the Nation 11:30 Rome 12:20am: FILM: Satan's Slave Satan kidnaps Father Christmas and forces him to peel grapes for him and make him endless mince pies and shortbread and the world goes without Christmas. Not one for the fainthearted. 1:50 Sign Zone: Holby City 2:50 Sign Zone: Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife 3:20 Sign Zone: A Wild Cairngorms Winter 3:50 Sign Zone: The Best and Worst of Changing Rooms 4:50 Joins BBC News 24 Ok, a drinking game for you this christmas, if you get bored, it’s a bit odd though, it’s not one of my own...(can you tell I’m feeling unispired yet?) This game is a kind of a puzzle. People have to guess what they can take through the green glass door, and if they guess wrong, they have to drink. The only things they can take through the door are words with repeated characters in them. For example, acceptable words include: beer, cheese,rabbits, goop, sleeves, pillows, booze, etc.................
Make it Big
ITV2 6:00 GMTV2 9:25 cd:uk 10:25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 11:25 With a Little Help from My Friends 12:25 Planet's Funniest Animals 12:55 The Xtra Factor 1:55 Emmerdale Omnibus The topic of conversation in the Gairr Rhydd officce appears to have turned to the debate as to whether it is acceptable for a girl to say her brother is attractive...interesting. 4:40 Coronation Street Omnibus 7:00 It's All Gone King Kong! 7:30 The Simon Cowell Story 8:00 The X Factor 9:30 The X Factor Results 10:35 The Xtra Factor 11:35 My Teen's a Nightmare - I'm Moving Out 0:35 Coronation Street 1:05 FILM: Terminator 2: Judgment Day 3:30 Teleshopping Right now I reaqlly fancy an ice cold cocktail. It’s hot enough in here to pretend it’s summer......mmm..... I think a woo woo would be pretty well appreciated right now: Cranberry Juice, vodka, peach schnapps and lemonade...tasty. Or pineapple juice with vodka, rum and lemonade...yum.
The Green Man BBC 4 10.40pm
5:50 Making It 5:55 Inuk 6:10 The Hoobs: Achoo! 6:35 The Hoobs: A Doob For A Hoob 7:00 Transworld Sport 7:55 World Cup Skiing 8:50 T4 T4: Hit40uk 9:25 T4: Futurama: Where The Buggalo Ro 10:00 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:30 T4: Friends: The One With Unagi 1:00 T4: Totally Frank 13/13 1:30 T4: Friends: The One Where Ross Dates A Student 2:00 T4: Kylie Minogue Showgirl: The Greatest Hits Tour 3:05 T4: Stargate Sg-1: Gemini 4:05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise: United 5:00 Scrapheap Mega Challenge: Warships 6:30 Lost: Do No Harm 7:30 Channel 4 News 8:00 Demolition 9:00 The 100 Greatest Christmas Moments 1:00 Carling Live Presents The New Kings Of Rock & Roll 1:30 Dubplate Drama 6/6 1:45 King Of The Hill: Maid In Arlen 2:15 Kotv 2:45 French Football: Le Championnat 4:30 Wild Things 5:15 Countdown 6:00 Close.........well that may be so dear Gareth but that’s not in keeping with the TV spirit is it? You see, the idea is we all get together on Thursday night, have a chat, TV Grace makes tea, we eat some pizza, start doing the listings, get distracted, have a chat, do some more listings, drink more tea, maybe some wine if we’re feeling desperate or TV grace’s liquorice tea if there’s nowt else, look at silly pictures on t’internet and then make our way home sometime between 12 and 2am. Why would you wanna miss that?! And as for TV Grace, where are you my sweet? I’m missing the assorted herbal teas and your bizarre weekly stories....Oh dear, woe is me, poor me, I’m sleepy. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 The All Star Wake Up Call - Girls 9:00 The All Star Wake Up Call - Girls 10:00 June Sarpong Takes It Easy 11:00 June Sarpong Takes It Easy 11:30 Whatever... You Want For Christmas 12:00 Whatever... You Want For Christmas 12:40 Storytellers: Coldplay 1:40 T4 Presents: King Kong 2:10 Popworld 3:00 Totally Frank 3:30 Young, Sexy And...Cookin' 4:30 T4 Presents: King Kong 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 The O.C. 7:00 One Tree Hill: The Tide That Left And Never Came Back 8:00 Friends: The One With All The Rugby 8:30 Tommy Lee Goes To College 9:00 Lost 10:00 Hollyoaks Let Loose 11:00 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 11:35 Bamboozle: The Secret Tv Game Show 12:15 Tommy Lee Goes To College 12:40 One Tree Hill 1:35 Hollyoaks Let Loose 2:35 Rajan And His Evil Hypnotists 3:00 Bamboozle: The Secret Tv Game Show 3:30 The O.C.: The Way We Are 4:15 Young, Sexy And...Cookin' 5:00 Popworld
FIVE 06:00 Softies 06:05 Oswald 06:15 Oswald 06:30 The Save-Ums! 06:45 The SaveUms! 06:55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 07:25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07:40 Make Way for Noddy Otherwise he’ll tell Father Christmas what a naughty student you’ve been and then he’ll visit you in the night but he won’t leave you presents he’ll leave you a severed head and then you’ll be very upset. 07:55 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08:15 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08:30 Franklin 09:05 Gerald McBoing Boing 09:35 Snobs 10:05 RAD: The Groms Ride the Rockies 10:35 Make It Big hmm…I wonder what that could refer to? Maybe…paycheck, present from my boyfriend, glass of wine, in fact any alcoholic drink, tub of icecream, bed, bunch of flowers…11:05 The New Tomorrow 11:35 Heroes of History 12:05 A Different Life 12:35 Painting the Christmas Story 13:05 five news update 13:15 Extreme Makeover: Home Edition 14:15 Film: "The Muppets' Wizard of Oz" 16:00 Film: "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" 17:50 five news and sport 18:05 Film: "The Wizard of Oz" 20:00 The Truth About Britain's Favourite Toys yep you guessed it, it’s dildos. People hate to admit it but after some confidential research from channel 5 the truth finally comes out. Good on ya Britain. 21:00 Film: "Snake Eyes" 23:00 World's Wildest Police Videos 23:55 Adventure Triathlon 24:20 NBA Action 24:45 NFL Live: Sunday Night Game of the Week 04:45 Dutch Football
PRIMETIME
Channel 4 6.30pm
PRIMETIME
Lost
BBC1 12.20am
PRIMETIME
029 20229977
FILM: Satan’s Slave
PRIMETIME
BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGLAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIERED!
06:10 THE HOOBS: Reward 06:35 THE HOOBS: Hoob in the Mood 07:00 TRANSWORLD SPORT 07:55 WORLD CUP SKIING 08:50 HIT40UK 09:20 HOLLYOAKS 09:50 HOLLYOAKS 10:25 HOLLYOAKS 10:55 HOLLYOAKS 11:25 HOLLYOAKS 12:00 THE SIMPSONS: Homer at the Bat 12:30 YR WYTHNOS 13:00 MANIFFESTO 13:30 ROWND A ROWND 14:00 ROWND A ROWND 14:30 GORDON RAMSAY'S F WORD 15:30 DUDLEY 16:00 CWPWRDD DILLAD 16:30 04 WAL 17:00 WELSH IN A WEEK 17:30 NEWYDDION 17:35 POBOL Y CWM OMNIBWS 19:30 Y CLWB RYGBI: CWPAN HEINEKEN 20:30 DECHRAU CANU DECHRAU CANMOL 21:00 CEFN GWLAD 21:30 TALCEN CALED 22:25 NEWYDDION 22:35 GWYNFOR: YR AELOD DROS GYMRU? 23:35 SPACE CADETS: LIVE LAUNCH 00:35 SPACE CADETS 02:00 FILM: BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE 03:50 UNREPORTED WORLD: Pakistan's Double Game 04:15 ED: Goodbye, Stuckeyville 05:00 DIWEDD/CLOSE
Five Minute Fun
December 12 2005
Page 31
ruiningyourlectures@gairrhydd.com
SITTING AROUND
I
t’s nearly Christmas, in case you didn’t know. Everyone’s extra excited. Well, almost everyone. Moody teenagers aren’t. No self-respecting moody teenager likes Christmas. I know, I used to be one, it’s all the forced joviality, man. But now I’m not so sure. Recently I’ve been thinking about the meaning of Christmas and I like it. Its meaning in practice that is. Obviously there’s all that religious nonsense to contend with: Sanctimonious chirping from Bishops and their flocks about how Christmas’s true essence has been lost. They’re really annoyed about the consumption festival this holiday now is (and, actually, as far as I can tell, always has been), we’re forgetting it’s a celebration of Jesus’s birthday, they say, and the sacrifices he made, and
how he was born in a shed near some sheep and how his parents were unmarried and his mother was 12 and a virgin. But, surely we know all that, it just gets ignored, and that’s a wonderful thing - Christmas as a rejection of the tedious organised superstition it originally existed for, something of a reclamation. It’s not as though people are sitting around asking: “Wait, why does Christmas exist?” With the same baffled perplexion they might ask: “Wait, why does Wales exist?” Also, don’t scholars think Jesus was more likely born in September? And isn’t Christmas the time to annoy pagans who used to do something else on December 25? Very antagonistic of early Christians that. Christians by the way get very annoyed at it being called Xmas; fucking Xtians. Anyway, back to Christmas’s true meaning. This I think can be detected
1. Who came up with the idea that Santa should wear red?
A: B: C: D:
Bristol City Bristol Rovers MK Dons Bradford City
4.
What countr y just won the Elephant Polo Championships?
A: B: C: D:
Kenya Russia India Scotland (!?)
Jesus God The Devil Coca-Cola
9
3
7
2
7 4
4
5
6 1
£600,000 £200,000 £350 He’s not telling
1
2 6
7
9
4
7
3
3
5
9 1
6
2
2
? The Big Quiz A: B: C: D:
3
from what people get up to; sitting around all day, eating lots, watching TV during the day, drinking fancy alcohol, sleeping in - good things, all. (Speaking of Christmas TV, when exactly did it pass into fact that The Great Escape is always on, it never is. I’ll tell you what film’s always on: Home Alone, it’s far worse, it doesn’t have Steve McQueen in it or anything.) And what are are people saying with these activities? I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I suspect it’s something like: “Look I just want to sit around all day, being lazy and watching Home Alone, actually I’d prefer a different film, but, still. Now leave me alone.” Personally, I find that heart-warming, and a pretty good life-rule. Colm Loughlin
A: B: C: D:
It’s a Christmas quiz, honest.
SU DOKU:
4
8
5
HOW TO PLAY SU DOKU:
3. What team were favourites to win League One at the star t of this season only to find themselves - at time of writing - stuck to the bottom?
Fill in the grid using only the numbers 1 through 9. All the vertical and horizontal rows should contain the numbers 1-9. All the smaller 3x3 squares should contain the numbers 1-9. No row or 3x3 square should have the same number twice.
CROSSWORD: 1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Wor ld
9
10 11 12
answers:
HALL OF SHAME W
hy oh why would you do some of the things that we get sent pictures of? Needless to say that, although they can’t all be printed, it’s good to see you students looking on the brighter side of life. Keep ‘em coming in.
Got tar?
The dangers of superglue lipstick
Text 07791 165 837
Wanted: Dead or alive
13
14
15
1.D, 2.A, 3.A, 4.D
2. William Hague is to return to the Tor y front bench, how much of a pay-cut is this expected to mean for him?
16 19
17 20
21
22
24 26
27 30
34
Nice rabbit
23
25 28
29 31
32
Editor: JD connoisseur and dull man
18
33
35
ACROSS 1 Late 1940 German Bombing of London (3,5) 5 Exchange 9 Artic Deer 10 Inuit House 11 Bone of the torso 12 Car’s radiator cover 15 Painful sore 17 Cntral Asian inland sea 19 Anciant site in Greece 22 Went on, endured 24 Swift graceful horse 26 Wash with vigour 27 Someone who holds another prisoner 30 Document cknowledging debt 32 Kick out 33 Natural resistance to change 34 Long deep breath 35 Trance-inducing
DOWN 1 Diplomacy 2 Slip-up 3 Information tag 4 Motorhome caravan 6 Undomesticed feline 7 Stick out 8 Lower leg bone 13 Naughty child 14 Animal’s den 16 Trojan war hero 18 Jessica _____, Sin City actress 20 Waiting ominously 21 Mannerisms 23 Complete collection 25 Sharpness 28 Groom feathers 29 Composition for eight players 31 Bath powder
‘Scopes & Jobs
Page 32
December 12 2005
jobs@gairrhydd.com
Helping the needy with Crystal Pants
ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 This week you will tire of ‘breathing’ citing it as counter-productive, the stuff of legends and boring. With all the spare time you save you'll reorder your album collection into colour codes, wash the screws that hold your little Breathing? Huh! pinbadge together and picket outside the air factories claiming that they're simply conning the public. And who are they to argue - they haven't got time to since they're breathing. Unlike you, you non-breather hero. TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21 So you feel warm then? Queer as it is so chilly out of doors. Perhaps your heart has turned into a candle, which is sadly very close to your lungs, which get ever so windy when you breath, and who is to blame for that? But deal with the candle before you look for the culprit. Lung removal via surgery may be an option but surgeons are often heavy breathers so you go on search for a non-breathing, ie. dead, doctor to operate upon your bosomy chest. GEMINI - May 22 - Jun 22 This week your twin will develop a serious drug addiction. They will dress you up as a £20 note and try to fob you off to their dealer in exchange for the non-non drowsy Benylin; they so love to be drowsy. Herr Dealer, the German, will see right through the cunning disguise but accept the transaction and pimp you out to all his crack-mouthed friends/strangers/police officials. This week you will be drowsy drowsy drowsy, far too drowsy to remember you ever had a twin. CANCER - June 23 - July 23 This week you will forget how to open doors, however hard you try you will not manage to leave the confines of your bedroom, this unsightly predicament affords you no access to food or water. You keep telling yourself that eventually someone will have to notice your absence. They don't. You die. *shrugs* Life goes on. Not yours. *shrugs* LEO - July 24 - Aug 23 Orlando Bloom is a Capricorn, so this week your face will turn to wood. You have an effeminate glow however, and most people believe you to be pregnant, especially after the chemist incident, where you thought you picked up toothpaste but actually bought yourself a pregnancy, and what was it you were saying about clearer labelling only last week? (Rhetorical). You are. You're expecting twins so mind the stairs. VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 This week you will adopt a traumatised young boy named Neville Neville (named by you for comedic purposes). As the days go by you discover that Neville Neville does not like Noel Edmunds and Neville Neville does not like the juice of oranges; he says they remind him of sand. He does not like sand because it rhymes with 'My parents drowned in front of my eyes' so too does smiling. But overall Neville Neville is happy, because although his legs fell down a ravine, he now has you.
LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23 This week you realise that you have threadbare carpets for feet. The dust mites living within them nip and poo and nip and poo and you start to feel sad/mad/dirty/old/worthless/jubilant. You go to the Doctor's and enquire if your situation is common, he says 'no, but I've heard you are' boom chtisch! Seriously though he tells you that it is not. You feel overwhelmingly normal/abnormal/neither. He prescribes you a Dyson to revive your carpet feet and depleted character. SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 This week you will not hear the pitter patter of tiny feet in your house, for you neither have a house or ears. Who doesn't want to put tin in their pockets? I know I don't. But who does? Line your pockets with tin and fill them with loose change and have a rattling good time. Rattle rattle rattle rattle rattle rattle rattle rattle rattle a'rit tat rattle. SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 This week you will cease your pillpopping, men ravishing, pregnant woman pushing, rubbing the streets' nose in it ways and allow yourself to be loved by a man who can't even look at himself in a mirror. You, however, are not a mirror so maybe he'll be more appealing to himself 'in' you. CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 This week Daniel O'Donnell will record a sleep-inducing, behaviourchanging, hypnotic tape of him running with scissors, smoking, committing race-hate crimes, raping things etc., and will then market it as Soothing Sounds to Put Baby to Rest. It will fly off the shelves of every 'mumas and pupas' in the country. Daniel will sit back and have a lovely, lovely cup of tea and think about puppies, whilst his army of babies charge through the country armed with scissors and rape. AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 This week you will write a letter to Jesus saying you think it was really tough luck what happened to him and ask if there's anything you can do. He replies and says a massage would be sublime. Gradually his demands become more and more, well, demanding. Before you know it you're chained to a sink suckling leprosy-riddled children/adults and sending God (who you now refer to as 'tubby tubby tum tum’) his tenth meal of the day. You vow to concentrate purely on drinking Coca-Cola at Xmas next year. PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Some cock will put a pea beneath one of your many mattresses this week. You put it down to a harmless drunken prank ha ha these pranky drunks UNTIL the town becomes awash with pea-loving wolves (Us neither - Ed.); they are desperate and savage and hungry, hungry for them darn round peas. One has a sniff and gets a hunch and before you know it your sleeping body becomes a desecrated corpse as they tear you limb from limb in search of that darn round pea. They never do find it. The end.
Swydd/Job:
Various inc. teaching/coaching
Swydd/Job:
Typing/Admin Assistant
Ardal/Area:
Australia, Thailand & N. Zealand
Ardal/Area:
Pengam Green, Cardiff
Tal/Wage:
£5.50 - £15 per hour
Tal/Wage:
£6 per hour
Oriau/Hours:
Various
Oriau/Hours:
Variable hours
Parhad/Duration: Ongoing
Parhad/Duration: Ongoing
Manylion/Details: Recruitment company requires
Manylion/Details: Required for typing (MS Word),
students to work in Australia,
data input (MS Access, training
New Zealand or Thailand.
given) and general admin.
Various placements available,
Typing speeds preferably over
including teaching and sports
40wpm. Own transport an
coaching.
advantage.
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
057
Swydd/Job:
Student Sales Advisors x 10
Ardal/Area:
Cardiff
Tal/Wage:
£5.05 per hour + bonus
Oriau/Hours:
10 hours per week
Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Mobile phone 'student only' net work requires 10 student sales advisors to promote their mobile phone brand.
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
061
Staying in Cardiff over Christmas? Unistaff Jobshop is taking names of students who will be here over the vacation and who wish to work. Please give us a call or stop by anytime between 10am and 4pm
062
UNISTAFF JOBSHOP is a great FREE service for students. We are here to help you find part-time work while you study. Work is available within the University and Students' Union as well as with local companies. You can choose from one-off assignments or more regular part-time work. Once registered with us, you will receive regular free updates of new vacancies as they come in via email. The Jobshop is based on the ground floor of the Students' Union (opening hours 10am-4pm Monday-Friday). Telephone: 029 20781535, Email: jobshop@cf.ac.uk
Car Owner Drivers Required
Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza! Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.
Jobs & Money
December 12 2005
Page 33
jobs@gairrhydd.com
How will you spend Xmas? As our student loans dry up, Jobs & Money provide some handy tips and advice on how to keep your Christmas shopping costs under control
By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor
Secret Santa
a lot of thought and effort into their present.
Avoid Debt
THE PROSPECT of having to buy everyone you know a present this Christmas can be quite overwhelming in terms of money and ideas. Organising a secret Santa can help solve this problem. A secret Santa is where everyone in your particular friendship group picks another person’s name at random from a hat and buys a present for this person only. It’s always a good idea to set yourselves a budget for the present as well so you know everyone is getting roughly the same deal. This means that everyone will get one decent present (hopefully) instead of lots of cheap and, let’s face it, pretty useless presents.
WITH BANK BALANCES in the red, credit cards can seem like an easy option when there are so many things you want to buy. Before even thinking about using a credit card ask yourself if you can really face the prospect of paying for your gifts come easter time, plus paying extra interest on top of that. If you think credit cards are the only option, however, go for one that charges you no interest on new purchases. Nationwide Building Society lets you off the interest on new purchases for nine months, while Capital One has a card that gives you six months interest free.
Over-wrapped and overpriced
Expensive is not necessarily better
AROUND XMAS time you can be pretty sure that pre-decorated, prepackaged gifts such as candles, perfume and pampering products will dominate the shelves of most highstreet stores. They look great, but often the superficial wrapping disguises a pretty ordinary present. Why not buy these items from somewhere that sells them cheaper Hypervalue do candle sets for a pound, by the way - and then package them yourself using things like ribbon, tissue paper and beads. Not only will this disguise the fact that the presents themselves are inexpensive, it will show that you have put
THE BEST PRESENTS are often those with a personal touch. These show that you know the person well and have thought carefully about what they would like. Remember the golden rule, it doesn’t have to be expensive, just thoughtful.
Plan Ahead DEVISE A BUDGET for all your Christmas shopping and then divide this into how much you are going to spend per person. Plan a day or two to do your Xmas shopping not too near Xmas day and
KNITTING: Rubbish present stick to these two days. Spontaneous shopping on different days will probably result in spending far more than you realise. Shopping at the last minute will also result in rushed decisions on presents that could be bought cheaper elsewhere. Take time choosing your presents and be sure to shop around, including on the internet as well. Often, buying through the internet works out cheaper and also requires a lot less effort.
The banking A-Z
(part 2)
The second part of Gill Roberts’ advice on banking as a student
N
is for numbers. Keep passwords safe at all times. Learn them and then destroy them. Also, do not use the same numbers and passwords that you use for other things, and be sure to use a password that no-one can guess.
O
is for overdraft. Over over over draft. This is when you owe the bank money and they take you off their christmas card list.
month.
T
is for talk. Talk about your money problems; do not hide them away.
U
is for u turn. This is when a bank changes its mind about a particular thing. It is very annoying but is normal bank activity. Do not worry, they will help to find you an alternative.
P
V
Q
W
is for personal banking. Before choosing a current account, decide what features and facilities you will need.
is for queue. While waiting in your bank, occupy yourself by looking at the useful displays. This will increase your knowledge and make you more aware of your surroundings in your bank. Alternatively, check out that fit cashier.
R
is for regular visits. So you get to know your bank well and become a more valued and trustworthy customer. Visit enough and the staff may pity you and give you free pens, tea and biscuits.
S
is for standing order. This is a regular payment of a fixed amount you make or receive from someone on a specific day of the
is for Visa. One of the most widely used credit cards accepted at more than 20 million places worldwide. is for wills. You will not have a will if you spend all your money and do not use your bank properly. Thus, resulting in no one coming to your funeral because you have not left them anything.
X
is for X-tras. Often, banks for students include travel insurance, insurance for possessions, interest-free overdrafts and free gifts. Shop around to get the best deal.
Y
is for y. Why choose a local bank? You will get the personal attention which larger banks find hard to provide you.
Z
is for zzzz. This is the sound of a sleepy bank clerk. Prod them.
Page 34
s g n i t Lis
Little Britain @ C.I.A
Fri 16 Dec 7.30pm / £27.50
B
ritain, Britain, Britain: three hit TV series, dolls, radio shows, record breaking viewing figures, and a massive nationwide tour already under way. The Bafta award-winning duo finally, after a couple of months on tour, arrive in Cardiff to hit us with the stage version of their hit TV show. Those of you lucky enough to have a ticket will get to hear all of their favourite catchphrases, with Dafydd, Vicky Pollard, Andy and Lou, Bubbles, and newer characters such as Dudley and Ting Tong all making the transition onto the stage. For further information on what characters you can see on the night, see opposite. There’s more to Lucas and Walliams than just a host of pantwettingly funny catchphrases. The pair have been working together for years, and almost called it a day at one point.
P ic k e of th k We e
Coming Up
Their other major TV success came with Rock Profile, although even that failed to make it onto terrestrial TV, having to settle with a slot on the cable television channel, PlayUK. This was a series which gained a massive cult following, with Lucas and Walliams, along with Jamie Theakston, mocking such popstars, as the BeeGees, Take That, Abba, Oasis, and Shirley Bassey, in a quite hilarious style. If you’re yet to discover this gem, then simply watch the episode where they mock Gary Barlow, as a Take That reunion goes down the pan when Robbie Williams fails to turn up. Quite appropriate too. Then came Little Britain. First with its radio version, and then it was granted a pilot episode for BBC3. The second series was averaging a few million viewers per show, a record number for BBC3. Since then the show has bombed along on the road to success, not even stopping for a toilet break. A true comic masterpiece. Yo u ’ d better be there. G o o d pie.
Recommended
December 12 2005
listings@gairrhydd.com
The obsessively fanatical gair rhydd This Week: A Little Britain orgy as the show
The characters you can expect to see
S
ince the day it first aired, Little Britain has been responsible for jokers nationwide, reeling out endless impressions of misleading men in wheelchairs, chavs, gays, Scottish hotel owners, ex-kids’ TV presenters, unconvincing transvestites, and grown men who are still breast- fed. So what characters can you expect to see on the tour? Well, the good news is that most of the characters will be making stage appearances, so most of you are not going to leave disappointed. Acts that feat u r e include potty-
mouthed rambler Vicky Pollard causing scandal with ‘Dec off Ant and Dec’, whilst on an audition for X-Factor. Emily and Florence, the men with a passion to be ‘laydees’, find themselves in a bar for Sailors whilst in Russia, only to find that the Sailors take a rather keen interest in the size of their manhoods. There’s also an appearance by the ‘only gay in the village’, Dafydd Thomas, who has since put Llandewi Brefi on the map, causing a mysterious, well actually quite predictable disappearance of many of the village’s road signs. Dafydd manages to come into ‘close contact’ with the local policeman. By coincidence the policeman also shares Dafydd’s passion for tight P V C
clothing, and enjoys a bit of ‘bum fun’. Marjorie Dawes makes a welcome stage appearance, giving some of the ‘bubbly’ audience members, who all have a ‘good personality’, some well needed advice / abuse (so any of you with front row tickets have been warned). Very able-bodied Andy Pipkin and his reliable carer Lou obviously make an appearance, as they have become icons for the show and have inspired endless shouts of “I want that one.” However, it’s not just the old characters that make their way onto stage, the newer characters also make a worthy appearance. Lonely Dudley and ‘ladyboy’ Thai bride from Tooting, Ting Tong (pictured below) take to the stage where Dudley decides to allow Ting Tong to stay ‘just one more night’, once she nestles her head into his lower regions. Of course, the show will contain many more of the characters from the hit TV series, and ticket holders certainly have a night of creative and interesting characters to look forward to, courtesy of Walliams and Lucas. It’s also rumoured that Anthony Head (AKA Prime Minister) will be making guest appearances at random gigs around the country, so who knows, maybe Cardiff will be one of them. It’s going to be massive, so don’t miss it, although personally I don’t think I’ll bother, because, everybody, after three............. “I don’t like it.”
The Automatic - Sat 31 Dec @ Barfly ... Fallout Boy - Sun 22 Jan @ Students Union ... Goldfrapp - Weds 1 Feb @ Students Union ... Nine Black Alps - Sun 12 Feb @ Students Union ... Jack Johnson Band - Thurs 2 March @ Cardiff International Arena ... Dylan Moran - Sat 6 May @ St. David’s Hall ... Girls Aloud - Tues 30 May @ Cardiff International Arena ...
Day By Day
December 12 2005
Page 35
listings@gairrhydd.com
listings, with Schmit and Curitz finally comes to Cardiff - ‘Yeah I know’
Monday12/12
Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am. FREE entry with NUS/£3 otherwise. X Factory @ The Taf Legendary Xpress DJs. 9pm-1am FREE. New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably. Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. FREE. Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer. I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger There are five rooms, five bars, one dance arena, a VIP lounge a live funk band and drinks promotions. 9.30pm. £3/4 NUS. Uberalles @ Buffalo Bar The latest rock and indie tunes. 9pm - 2am. £2/3. Live @ Barfly Insanity Artists Agency Presents: Freefaller / The Suffrajets / Ironfly. Please note that this gig has been CANCELLED. Pick Of The Day Live @ CIA The Pogues / Dropkick Murphys. Cult Irish folk punksters reforming with what is often considered the band's best line-up. 7pm. £26.
Tuesday13/12
Comedy Club @ CF10, SU It really is rather funny. This week: Paul Chowdhry with support from Die Clatterschenkenfietermaus. 8-11pm. £4 NUS Soul Motion @ Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm-2am. FREE. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Once upon a time... (No, that's not right) A long time ago, in a galaxy... (That's not right either) Many years ago (somewhere in 198?), Cardiff University Rock Society started a small rock disco... 9pm. £2.50. Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Hundred Reasons / Brigade. It’s been a tough year for Hundred Reasons, but things are beginning to look up, and a sellout gig at the Barfly just goes to show that even when record companies screw you over, fan power is what matters. It’ll be great to see them swinging from the vaults of the Barfly once again. 7.30pm.
Live @ Buffalo Bar The Voices / Camera.. A couple of Wales’ most promising bands. Camera played the Millennium Stadium Tsunami gig this year. Charity Christmas Circuits @ Talybont Sports Centre Fancy Dress party (prizes for the best) with all proceeds go to Action Medical Research - the forward thinking charity. Everyone is welcome. 5.30pm. £2.
The Wizard of Oz @ Welsh Millennium Centre Get on those ruby slippers and follow the Yellow Brick Road, with this christmas family musical based on the Oscar winning Judy Garland film featuring all the famous songs and characters. This show runs until the 19th December. 7pm. £10. Merlin @ Sherman Theatre Merlin & The Cave of Dreams: Sherman Theatre Company. The King is dead and the Green Kingdom is in turmoil as it seeks a new heir. Only the all-powerful wizard Merlin knows that the future lies in the hands of the young boy Arthur. Contact venue for times. £7.50.
Friday16/12
Saturday17/12
Fat Friday @ Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4. Mad4It! @ Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever. 10.30pm-2am. £3. Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm. Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. FREE entry before 11pm. Audio Velvet @ Buffalo Bar Weekly party action of new music mixed with beat driven mayhem from the past, present and future. 8pm. £2/3. Live @ Barfly Innercity Pirates / Red City / Dirty Looks. Innercity Pirates are Welsh locals and Barfly favourites. Live @ St. David’s Hall Thomas Trotter. An organist from Birmingham. Contact the venue directly for times, prices and more information on this gig. Pick Of The Day Live @ New Model Inn Quack Quack / The Jones O Conner Group / amB. Quack Quack are from Leeds and make music akin to Can and Salaryman and then some. Two of Leeds' finest sound engineers (Moz and Disco Stu) join forces with drum cat Neil Turpin to combine elements of Krautrock with an airy 80s factory feel. The Jones O Conner Group are a Cardiff jazz quintet akin to Isotope 217. 8pm. £4. Little Britain Live @ C.I.A The BAFTA award winning TV series gets the stage treatment. See facing page.
Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. TRAFFIC (DJ and clubbing society) playing house music in the other. 10pm. £3.50. Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. FREE before 10pm. Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance. 10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday. 9pm - 2am. Delinquent @ Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. FREE with flyer before 10pm/£4. Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) £4/3 10pm – 2.30am. Bar Lamerica @ Cantaloop
Wednesday14/12
Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. As Always. This week is the legendary sexy santa, so get that tinsel and cheap santa outfit and get festive. 10pm. £3. Indie Kids Die In Hot Bars @ Barfly Featuring the latest and greatest new music, live acts and guest DJ’s. The team behind Fly Swatter bring you Indie Kids Die in Hot Bars. 10.30pm. £4. Material @ Moloko Weekly night of left field disco, new wave and punk funk fused with the best of the new 80's influenced tunes. 8pm/2am. £FREE. Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music: raucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3. Traffic @ Philharmonic Cardiff’s DJ and Club Bing society takes over the decks, playing house music until 1 in the morning. 9pm. Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly The Strand / Dan Watkins Band. A threepiece rock band from Cardiff, with stunning vocal harmonies, great tunes and entertaining showmanship. The Best Of The West End Christmas Gala @ St. David’s Hall It’s time to get festive. I’m guessing that this is some form of West End Christmas Gala. Go and find out. Live @ The Point The Hennessys. 8.30pm. £5 Comedy @ Jongluers Sean Percival / Stefano Paolini / Steve Hughes / Rick Right. Rick Right is America's self styled rock'n'roll comic combines sardonic wit, subtle sarcasm and a 10,000 song memory. It’ll be a laugh. 7pm.
Sunday18/12
Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case, the wrong ones. MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm. Pub Quiz @ Woodville Yet another Sunday night quiz to ponder over. 7pm. Live @ Barfly Rachel Taylor-Beales / Rhodri Welsh / Moon Face. Rachel Taylor-Beales is a singer / songwriter performing original folk/jazz fusion influenced by the likes of Tim Buckley and Joni Mitchell. Contact the venue for further details.
Pick Of The Day Live @ Chapter Arts Centre The Hot Puppies / Halflight / Corey Orbison (The Corey O's). The Hot Puppies are a quirky, synth-based pop-punk from this Aberystwyth-based five piece outfit. Expect chopping guitars, swirling keyboards and inimitable vocals from charismatic frontwoman, Rebecca Newman. Romantic, dark and flamboyant pop. 7.30pm. £5.
Pick Of The Day Meltdown Christmas Pudding @ Clwb Ifor Bach Soda Men / K-Diff Syndicate / Naughty / Julia Harris / Cymbient / Dylan Fowler / Smokehand. Dylan Fowler is a Welsh guitarist and composer who performs an interesting mix of music for solo guitar with influences from Welsh and Breton folk traditions, east European contemporary jazz and original material. Julia Harris is rapidly making a name for herself. Arguments rein over whether she is 'urban acoustic' or 'f**k-off-folk', but trying to categorise Julia's approach is really missing the point. Naughty are outrageously anarchic, insanely entertaining purveyors of sharp songs, funksome rock and awesome attitude. Get down to this end-of-year festive party. 8pm.
Resident DJs. 9pm. £FREE for VIPs. Live @ Barfly Nigel Clark / Niko / Selfish Kings. The former bass playing vocalist with Brit pop band Dodgy (they had that hit ‘Good Enough’) is now a singer songwriter in his own right. 7.30pm. £6.
Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1. Open Mic @ Buffalo Bar Live acoustic acts, songwriters, bands and performers every week. 8pm. £2. The Fourth Chair @ The Social Improvised comedy entertainment.7.30pm. £FREE.
Thursday15/12
Devious @ Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3. Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese. Does exactly what it say on the tin, with drinks being cheaper than a bag of McCains. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am. Enthusiasm @ Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night. And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late. Tonight - High Contrast / Haze and Focus / Paul B / Parker. 8pm-3am. FREE before 11pm. Clubnight @ La Tropicana Hip Hop and R & B student night. 10pm. Cookie Puss @ Buffalo Bar The real deal mix of non re-issue funk 45s, soul melodies, afro, freakbeat and a nice bit of jazz. 9pm. £2/3. Loco @ La Tantra Open until 4am. Raise the Roof @ Journeys (1-2 Upper Clifton St) New and local live music - different genres each week. Live @ C.I.A Michael Buble. Dynamic swing sensation from Vancouver. 7.30pm. £30. Live @ Barfly No Comply / Failsafe / Jaded. No Comply are a Plymouth-based skacore outfit playing a knockout combination of skacore, punk and dub; Save Ferris meets Capdown. 7.30pm. £6. Pick Of The Day Comedy @ The Glee Club Christmas Party Nights: Kitty Flanagan, Andrew Maxwell, Steve Williams. Andrew Maxwell - Andrew is a very fine Irish comedian and BAFTA Award winner who can keep an audience focused with accessible and unpretentious topical comedy which has a pinch of his unique laddishness. 7pm. £38.
VENUES Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com
IMG Sport
Page 36
December 12 2005
weloveimg@gairrhydd.com
THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST IMG NETBALL menon on the match TABLES ROUND 1 Dave Menon delivers his verdict on another week of IMG madness
NETBALL
IMG Netball
Premiership P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
1
Socsi A
1
1
0
0
18
3
2
Cardiff A
1
1
0
0
14
3
3
Law B
1
1
0
0
1
3
4
Cardiff B
1
0
1
0
0
1
5
SAWSA
1
0
1
0
0
1
6
S’fellows A
1
0
0
1
-1
0
7
Carbs A
1
0
0
1
-14
0
8
Medics A
1
0
0
1
-18
0
IMG Netball 1
Carbs B
NUMBER OF GOALS: 151 Goals, 18.875 goals per game GOLDEN GIRLS: Socsi A again, can they be stopped? SURPRISE PACKAGE: SAWSA performed well to secure a draw against Cardiff B. EPIC GAME: S’fellows A v Law B, the tightest game on show. CONSISTENT PERFORMERS: Socsi A and Cardiff A never seem to put a foot wrong. TEAM OF THE WEEK: A tricky one this week. SAWSA get the nod for recording a draw in a fixture they lost heavily in Phase 1.
Division One P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
1
1
0
0
16
3
2
Pharmacy A
1
1
0
0
9
3
3
Law A
1
1
0
0
7
3
4
Dynamo Tigers
1
1
0
0
6
3
5
English Soc
1
0
0
1
-6
0
6
Economics
1
0
0
1
-7
0
7
Chem Soc
1
0
0
1
-9
0
8
German Soc
1
0
0
1
-16
0
IMG Netball
Division Two
Socsi A 21 Cardiff B 9 Cardiff A 20 S’fellows A 3
-
3 9 6 4
Medics A SAWSA Carbs A Law B
Economics 7 Ph’macy A 14 Dyn. Tigers 9 German Soc 4
-
14 Law A 5 Chem Soc 3 English Soc 20 Carbs B
IMG Netball Fixtures
P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
1
Carbs A
0
0
0
0
0
0
2
Christian Union
0
0
0
0
0
0
3
Engin Girls
0
0
0
0
0
0
4
Gym Gym
0
0
0
0
0
0
5
Medics B
0
0
0
0
0
0
6
Optometry
0
0
0
0
0
0
7
Pharmacy B
0
0
0
0
0
0
8
Stringfellows B
0
0
0
0
0
0
IMG CHAIR Clare Donnovan
WELL, THIS week sees the end of Phase 1 in football. As some teams will be depending on certain results, there should be some exciting matches coming up. Whilst it will be very competitive with a lot depending on these matches, it is still important to play in a fair manner as the number of complaints I get about unfair conduct seems to be on the increase. Last week saw the start of Phase 2 in Netball and teams pushed even harder for a win. A particularly close match
IMG Netball Results
was Law B v Stringfellows A, which Law won by one goal. For all netballers to note, there will only be matches on Wednesday this week, with Saturday matches being rearranged for next year. The IMG pages on www.cardiffstudents.com are finally up and running, so make sure you have a look. The more input we have off IMG teams the better, with photos or match reports more than welcomed. Finally, in case you haven’t heard, there is a netball tournament on Sunday 11. All IMG teams are welcome to enter with lots of prizes and it only costs £5. Registration is at 10.30. Hope to see you there.
Sat 10 Dec Christ. Union Pharmacy B Optometry S’fellows B
v v v v
Socsi B Medics B Engin Girls Gym Gym
PLEASE NOTE: PHASE 2 HAS ALREADY STARTED, I GOT IT HORRIBLY WRONG LAST WEEK. THIS WEDNESDAY’S FIXTURES WILL APPEAR ON WWW.CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM ON MONDAY. I APOLOGISE FOR THE ERRORS THAT HAVE OCCURRED.
FOOTBALL
NUMBER OF GOALS: 99 Goals, 6.1875 goals per game WHIPPING BOYS: Real Madras lost 15-0 to Uni. SURPRISE PACKAGE: JOMEC for an outstanding 2-1 win against high-flying History. EPIC GAME: Automotive v Psycho Athletico, an eight-goal thriller which finished 4-4. CONSISTENT PERFORMERS: Arse’Alona and Economics are still leding the way. TEAMS OF THE WEEK: JOMEC and also Plan’kos for securing their first win this season. Well done lads, great stuff.
IMG Football
IMG Football Results
IMG Football
Real Madras Automotive Zoology Law A
0 4 6 3
-
15 Cardiff Uni 4 Pyscho Ath. 2 Japsoc 0 AFC Euros
Gym Gym Myg Myg Real Havana AFC Cathays
5 2 0 1
-
0 5 2 3
Inter Me-Nan Dragons Chem Soc Economics
Hurricanes Architecture Ab Fantastic Dynamo Cen.
3 1 0 0
-
7 7 3 1
AFC Momed Pharm AC Arse’Alona Plan’kos
Dental Utd Law B Locomotive JOMEC
3 1 3 2
-
4 Euros Lang 10 Carbs 1 English Soc 1 AFC History
IMG Football Fixtures Automotive Psycho Ath. Law A AFC Euros
v v v v
Real Madras Cardiff Uni Zoology Japsoc
Myg Myg Dragons AFC Cathays Economics
v v v v
Gym Gym Inter Me-Nan Real Havana Chem Soc
Archtiecture Pharm AC Dynamo Cen. Plan’kos
v v v v
Hurricanes AFC Momed Ab. Fantastic Arse’Alona
Law B Carbs JOMEC AFC History
v v v v
Dental Utd Euros Lang Locomotive English Soc
Up the Arse’Alona By Jack Parsons and Joe Simkins IMG Reporters ON A SURFACE well suited for trench warfare, rampant Arse’Alona recorded a sixth successive win against Absolutely Fantastic. Three second-half goals guided Arse’Alona to a well deserved victory which could have dented Fantastic’s Premiership hopes. In a tense and goalless first half, there were few clear-cut chances and many bone-crunching challenges. As legs became tired in the second period, the game soon began to open up. This worked in Arse’Alona’s favour and it wasn’t long before the high-flying newcomers broke the deadlock. Striker James Meredith left the Fantastic goalkeeper floundering
IMG FOOTBALL ROUND 6 TABLES
as he stabbed home from close range. The Fantastic spirits were visibly crushed and their heads dropped further when Matthew Hutcheon’s inspired run was cynically ended in the box. After the referee pointed to the spot, the Welshman picked himself up and slammed home the penalty to double Arse’Alona’s lead. Fantastic responded well to this latest setback but a third goal from Joe Simkins componded their misery. After soaring above Fantastic centre-back Jimmy Hill, Simkins powerfully headed home a precise Hutcheon cross. Fantastic must now beat Dynamo Centurion to stand any chance of reaching the Premiership. Arse’Alona need one more win to preserve their 100% record.
Group One P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
1
Cardiff Uni +
6
5
0
1
24
15
2
Law A
6
5
0
1
24
15
3
Zoology
6
5
0
1
15
15
4
Psycho Ath.
6
2
1
3
-3
7
5
Automotive
6
2
1
3
-5
7
6
Japsoc
6
2
0
4
0
6
7
AFC Euros
6
2
0
4
-2
6
8
Real Madras *
6
0
0
6
-51
-3
Group Two P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
6
6
0
0
20
18
1
Economics (Q)
2
Chem Soc
6
5
0
1
13
15
3
Gym Gym
6
4
0
2
12
12
4
Cardiff Dragons
6
3
1
2
-1
10
5
Real Havana
6
2
1
3
1
7
6
Myg Myg
6
2
0
4
-8
6
7
AFC Cathays
6
1
0
5
-13
3
8
Inter Me-Nan
6
0
0
6
-24
0
IMG Football
Group Three P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
1
Arse’Alona (Q)
6
6
0
0
12
18
2
AFC Momed *
6
4
1
1
11
10
3
Pharm AC
6
3
0
3
8
9
4
Ab. Fantastic *
6
3
2
1
6
8
5
Hurricanes
6
2
1
3
1
7
6
Dynamo Cen.
6
2
0
4
-3
6
7
Architecture
6
1
0
5
-13
3
8
Plan’kos
6
1
0
5
-28
3
IMG Football
Group Four P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
1
Carbs
6
5
0
1
24
15
2
Locomotive
6
5
0
1
20
15
3
AFC History
6
4
0
2
21
12
4
Law B
6
3
0
3
-6
9
5
English Soc
6
2
0
4
-2
6
6
JOMEC
6
2
0
4
-8
6
7
Euros Lang *
6
3
0
3
-10
6
8
Dental Utd
6
0
0
6
-39
0
* Deducted 3 points Q Team in question have already qualified for the Premiership + Cardiff Uni are top because they have scored more goals
SORRY PHARM AC In last week’s issue, it appeared that Dynamo Centurion beat Pharm AC 6-2. In fact, Pharm AC won 2-0. I would like to apologise for this mistake and any other errors that occurred in all league tables last week. If you spot any league table errors in this week’s issue, please email
weloveimg@gairrhydd.com
Sport
December 12 2005
Page 37
sport@gairrhydd.com
Captain Scarlet
Rach Owen talks to Welsh star Mike Phillips about his rapid ascent, high hopes for the Wales team and the excitement of living in Cardiff
By Rach Owen Sport Reporter By Tim Lewis Sport Editor So, the FA and the Professional Footballers' Association have decided to help Gazza out, offering him a chance to get all of the coaching badges, with a view to a job at the FA. Why exactly? Gazza is a poor man's George Best. He was never as good as Best, he was never as good looking as Best and he probably couldn't drink as much as Best either. His latest farce at Kettering Town just shows that Gazza cannot get away from the demon drink. Gazza admitted to having one double brandy before a game, and a glass of wine after another, just to settle his nerves. This is Kettering Town for God's sake. It's hardly the Champions League final. If the pressure of a non-league club is too much for him then what will he drink when he gets a job with the FA? It seems like the only person left with any respect for Gazza is Gazza, “I'm a genius and I know what's going on [on] the football field.” You WERE a genius Gazza, not anymore. Now you look about 50, still have peroxide blonde hair and spend most of your time apologizing for the latest stupid thing you've done. It annoys me that ex-footballers think that they have some Godgiven right to walk into management. There are so many experienced and talented managers without a job who must be throwing cups of tea across the room when they hear Gazza speak. The top four managers in the Premiership show it is not always the best players who become the best mangers. Management is something that you have to work very hard at. Gazza just walks away when it gets a bit rough. He did it in China. He did it for Boston and I have no doubts he will do it again. It's not for me to say that Gazza doesn't deserve a second chance, but how many chances has he had already. Maybe it's time to check into the Sporting Chance Clinic and forget about management altogether.
GAZZA: With his only mate
A PLACE IN a Grand Slam-winning team, comparisons to rugby greats and a growing fan club… you’d be just slightly big-headed, right? Apparently not if you are new kid on the pitch Mike Phillips: “Oh, I’m taking it in my stride,” he shrugs “I mean there are so many great rugby players that I aspire to play like, I’m not at the place I want to be quite yet but I guess I’m doing OK,” blushes the 23-year-old Cardiff Blues player. Modest he may be, but it is a fact that in the world of rugby halfbacks, Welshman Mike Phillips literally stands head and shoulders above his rivals. At 6”3 and with immense physical presence, Phillips is a poignant example of understudies striking it lucky. His move at the beginning of last season from Llanelli Scarlets to Cardiff Blues could not have run more smoothly, “It was great for me. I’ve had the opportunity to start more games in a higher level of competition. I miss Stradey Park but I needed the change,” he insists.
“Work hard and play hard…but don’t drink too much!” Mike Phillips offers advice to Cardiff’s future rugby stars It was this very move which has catapulted him in to the deep-end of rugby. Wales coach, Mike Ruddock controversially named the No.9 scrumhalf ahead of the more experienced Gareth Cooper in his starting lineup to
WALES: Barnet central
Phillips: power and pace play the All Blacks in the Autumn friendlies. Taking over from British and Irish Lions test player Dwayne Peel who failed to recover from an ankle injury, Mike earnt his place in the starting lineup following his strong form both in North America and for Cardiff Blues in recent matches. “Playing for Wales is top level stuff. You can’t get much higher than that,” he grins. Despite Wales’ defeat against the almighty All Blacks, Phillips never gives up without a good fight. With an elder brother as a professional boxer, it seems to run in the family. “I think you need that aggression in rugby,” said
Phillips, “Every team needs players who can fire things up during the game. I’m very competitive; I want to win every game. What’s the point in playing something if you don’t try to win?” It is obvious to me that this player knows what he wants and above all else, knows how to get it. Describing himself as down-toearth and likeable, this fierce-looking rugby giant has his timid side. “You need to have manners and a nice way about yourself in this game.” So is this a quip at team-mate Gavin Henson? “Oh, the autobiography,” he cringes. “Well, he’s entitled to say what he likes.” So it seems diplomacy can be added to his growing list of skills. Despite Henson’s recent stir with his negative comments on fellow teammates, spirit in the Wales camp is high, “It’s always upbeat, everyone laughing. There’s good banter. Everyone look forward to the matches because it’s such a huge honour.” Speaking of honour, comparisons to Welsh rugby legend Terry Holmes, so early on in his glittering rugby career, are surely something to be proud of? “I don’t think I compare to him now, maybe next year,” he laughs. For the time-being though, Phillips remains unfazed by his surrounding hype and instead battles for a starting position in both the Cardiff and Wales squad. But it is blatant to see that competition is something he relishes: “It makes me strive to improve and train that little bit harder.” On going a whole Nations campaign unbeaten and losing to New Zealand and South Africa last month, I asked whether Wales have lost momentum going in to the next Six Nations. Apparently not, “We never feel defeated. We stay optimistic. Yes, we have had a couple of defeats lately but they were some very strong teams. I don’t think we should be kicking ourselves for our performance, we played well.” At this point I feel a verse of
Bread of Heaven coming on, but instead conversation changes to the Welsh supporters. It is a well-known fact that Welsh people go that extra mile when it comes to rugby patriotism and downright stubborn pride and ‘the boys’ know and love it. “We know we have the country behind us every single time. We’re all totally aware of the support which
“There is nothing better than being on the pitch with thousands of fans singing the anthem with a tear in their eyes” Mike Phillips on stepping out at the Millenium Stadium
helps us to do our best for them. Nobody wants to let them down.” Lately Welsh optimism seems to be paying off: “When we beat Australia a couple of weeks ago, the feeling was incredible. We needed that win” he states, “there is nothing better than being on the pitch with thousands of fans singing the anthem with a tear in their eyes,” He adds proudly. With his feet firmly on the ground, all seems too rosy for this young rugby star, “I have my flat in Cardiff now. It’s a really exciting city.” But coming from a farming background in West Wales it’s all new for Phillips. “It can be pretty intense. It’s the best feeling in the world to go home and spend a few days with friends and family,” he confides. You get the impression that loyalty is number one for this player. As long as he keeps this attitude, he is sure to go far. And his advice to any future rugby stars amongst Cardiff University? “Work hard and play hard… but don’t drink too much!”
Sport
Page 38
December 12 2005
sport@gairrhydd.com
By Amy Williams Chief Basketball Reporter
Cardiff Men .................. 58 Swansea Men ............... 55 AN EXTREMELY lively and fastpaced game right from start to finish saw Cardiff snatch victory from fierce rivals Swansea in the final quarter. The UWS Panthers had a very lively start to the first period and at times it looked as if Cardiff were almost asleep. Within what seemed like seconds the Swans had netted two threepointers to go into the lead. At the break, Cardiff were trailing 8-14, which could have been due to the fact that they committed numerous fouls allowing the visitors to sneak extra points. The second quarter saw a very different Cardiff emerge when they picked up the pace and hammered at the basket to gain a two-point lead at half-time. The number of fouls committed dropped which made the game more end to end and free-flowing. Local rivalry boiled over in the third period as Swansea were very unhappy to be penalised for fouling Cardiff, deciding to take their frustrations out
on the home players and referees. Swansea's No. 23 was very vociferous and decided to take a dive when captain Dafydd Bowen neatly went past him. By the end, Cardiff were down again by two points and everything was to play for. The last period was extremely intense, with both sides wanting to get the upper hand and sometimes resorting to physical tactics to do so. Fortunately, Cardiff grasped their chance and managed to win by three points, the final score being 58-55. The most valuable player was undoubtedly Lawrence Roleston who scored 25 points and got 13 rebounds, proving just how important he is out on court. He was a noticeable presence and a visible boost to the team after having returned from injury. Skipper Dafydd Bowen, participating in his last-ever home fixture for Cardiff, was as ever a key player, netting a creditable 11 points. Trainer Frank Daw however, was rather less impressed with the performance, conceding that the visitors had dragged the CUBS down and prevented them from playing their own game. Like the ladies, this is the CUBS’ last home game of the season and they will be hoping to win their remaining fixtures to keep them in contention.
PHOTO: Adam Gasson
SWANS SPITTING FEATHERS
fourth. Many of the crews in front had experienced rowers in the boat. However, all the boys from Cardiff had only started rowing this year. The fresher eight was hit by a sudden loss due to injury and had to move up to the novice category but still finished a very credible 12th. These results are very promising for the main BUSA head and regatta in 2006. The senior side of the club again preformed well, eclipsing last year's efforts. The first race of the year for the Men's 1st eight saw excellent results of fourth in Men's champ eights in both divisions, beating the likes of Warwick and Bath. The senior women again stole the show for a number of reasons. The Women's 1st four finished top in both divisions of champi-
onship fours. The coxless fours however, had a harder time with ex-captain Christine Binns ending up swimming. The club was also able to send strong teams to the indoor championships held at the Channel View Centre in Cardiff Bay. The morning events started positively for the Uni team which claimed medals in the first three categories. Jon Redman powered his way to victory and a highly impressive personal best in the Under 23 Heavyweight category in 6min 21.5 secs with novice oarsman Lawrie Kidd third in 6min 32.4secs. A strong winters training also paid off for the clubs senior women's squad who took the top ten places in the Under 23 Lightweight category with Hannah Thomas, currently with the
MARJONS MASSACRE By Paul Hayes Hockey Reporter Cardiff Men’s 1st XI .... 58 Marjons Men’s 1st XI .. 55
CUBS: Edge out Swans
Rowing away with it By Fraser Monroe Rowing Reporter
CARDIFF ROWERS recently raced in London at the 4's Head of the River race and at Bristol Universities head race, which includes the BUSA southern beginners' race. Both the men and women preformed well in London beating many other university crews. The women's coxed four had the best result finishing sixth in their division. At Bristol the club had a huge presence taking 40-plus athletes with them. This was the first opportunity for the novices to race in the BUSA beginner race. The first novice crew had an excellent result finishing
Rowers: Success indoors and out
welsh development squad winning in a time of 7min 19.3secs. Later on in the day came the team events where four rowers took it in turns to complete three kilometres. The Open Men's event was won by Cardiff Uni A (Jon Redman, Dave Griffith, Ollie Ford and Steve Clarke) who led from the start and comfortably beat the Welsh Development Squad by almost 12 seconds. The day ended in spectacular style with one of the closest finishes in memory, when the university mixed team, comprised of novices Andy Biffin, Laura Aldrich Blake and Kelsey Boddington guided by the experience of Mark Griffith, won by 0.8secs from Monmouth Rowing Club.
Cardiff 1st XI overcame Plymouth Marjons with a 7-1 victory in torrential rain to stay on top of BUSA Division 1a, confirming there aspiration of winning promotion to the Premier League. Plymouth Marjons are the only University side to have beaten Cardiff in over a year and the league leaders were out for revenge in the home fixture. The match began in dramatic fashion, with Cardiff scoring four times without reply in the first 15 minutes. The first came from a fast break down the left-hand side, with Henry Cole releasing Paul Hayes, who squared the ball into the path of midfielder Martin Freshman. A composed Freshman put the ball under the stranded Marjon 'keeper for his tenth of the season. Cardiff extended their lead within minutes. Dave Hannah added to the attack from centre-back and threaded a ball to Chris Rhodes, once again opening the Marjon defence. Rhodes linked up with Nick Gough who entered the D at lightening pace and slotted the ball past the 'keeper doubling the home sides lead. The deflated Marjons put 11 men behind the ball in a desperate attempt to restrict the through balls to the strikers. But Cardiff still broke through as Courtney entered the D and found Hayes on the back post who scored from close range with a little help from the Marjons’ 'keeper. A fourth was scored just moments later when Gough clipped a ball into the path of Hayes who, after slipping on the wet surface managed to beat the defender and 'keeper to the ball and score his second of the match. Another attack down the right gave Cardiff their fifth. Nick Gough, again involved, beat two defenders with a wonderful piece of skill and then crossed the ball to Freshman who slapped another first-time shot past the Marjon goalkeeper. Luckily for the travelling side, Cardiff were unable to continue at such a high tempo. The weather conditions got into the D and capped off a fine move with a clever finish, wrong-footing the 'keeper and driving the ball inside the post. Cardiff rounded off a rampant victory with 15 minutes left as Duncan Courtney found the bottom right-hand corner with a powerful flick from a shortcorner. The captain spoke after the game about the superb team display. “The first half was some of the best hockey we have played in years. Marjons barely touched the ball.” With just two games left, Cardiff need only 4 points to secure the division title.
Sport
December 12 2005
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sport@gairrhydd.com
SWEET REVENGE FOR CARDIFF By George Pawley Sport Reporter Cardiff Men’s 1sts........ 5 Men’s 1sts................... 3
By Amy WIlliams Basketball Reporter
Cardiff ladies basketball......58 Bath ladies basketball........55
LAST WEEKEND SAW the best runners from over 40 UK universities square up at Leeds for the annual six-leg cross-country relays. As usual, the event was of an extremely high standard and fiercely competitive; it’s one of the few races where all the universities meet before the BUSA finals next year. The day started early for the Cardiff men’s team, meeting at 7am in the lashing rain to make the long journey up north. The showers abated as the race began, but it had already had its fun, turning the convoluted 2.25 mile course into a treacherous bog for long sections of its length. In preparation athletes had carefully screwed 12mm or longer metal spikes into their shoes to improve traction in the slippy conditions, deceiving themselves about the futility of the exercise. This was a true cross-country race, the requisites for speed, grip and a smooth running style, were denied luxuries. An unhealthy proportion of competitors were secretly pleased. James Nasrat (Engineering) an 800m specialist, stepped up in distance to start for Cardiff, keeping with the leaders until the deceptively long hill at the end which spread the field. He handed over to the men’s captain Mike Johnson (Optometry) in eighth position who, despite fatigue from four hours behind the wheel to get the team to the start line, steadily worked his way through the field to pick-up four places.
avenge their surprise loss to Bath earlier in the year. He added that it was nice to see that the team was at last showing signs of the large amount of talent that they have, and hoped the Christmas break wouldn’t have too much effect on the ladies’ momentum.
SHOOTING HOOPS: Classy win
COUNTRY RUN By Michael Johnson Sport Reporter
which should by all accounts see them further cement their title credentials. Coach Tom Stenner-Evans singled out Ros Parker for praise for her tireless effort in defence in what was a performance played at high pace. He was very pleased with the result and was glad that the girls managed to
Photo: Luke Pavey
CARDIFF STRENGTHENED their hold on second place in the league going into the Christmas break in a comfortable game which saw them almost double their opponents’ score. The Cardiff ladies, notorious slowstarters this season, had an unusually positive opening quarter, taking the game to their opponents from the outset. Bath were on team fouls right from the start and Cardiff capitalised on the free throws awarded to them. They extended their lead in the second period with good link-up play from top scorer Penny Holman, who netted 16 points, and Bianca Negruti. Cardiff went on to secure the win in the third period, impressively outscoring Bath three to one, ensuring that the final quarter was little more than a formality. The home side’s success was founded upon a strong defence and well organised offence, both aided by superb rebounding from captain Charlene Hellsten, who led by example throughout.
This was the last game before Christmas for the ladies and they now go into the festive break firmly in second place, an outstanding achievement for a team only promoted last season. The game was in fact Cardiff’s last at home this season, with their next game away at Exeter in February, one
Both these runners recorded individual splits in the top 20 of the 200+ runners. It was then the turn of Jeff Kettle (Engineering) and Kieren Roberts (Maths) who ran dogged performances in worsening conditions under foot to keep Cardiff in contention. By this time St Marys and Loughborough were already almost a minute ahead of the competition owing to their impressive depth of talent. As for Cardiff, at this point we were two men short to make up numbers. Johnson and Kettle dutifully raced again with little time to regain their breath, let alone strength in their mudplastered legs. The team came home in a very commendable 13th place. Thankfully, St Marys fought off Loughborough to take top honours.
Photo: James Perou
CARDIFF MEN’S BADMINTON team retained their third place in BUSA Western Conference 1A, after overcoming a depleted Southampton side to triumph 5 - 3 at Talybont Sports Centre. The score was a reversal of the encounter at the start of the season, and moved Cardiff one step closer to qualifying for the latter stages of the BUSA section. The south coast university had travelled light to Wales in bringing only four players, meaning that Cardiff were awarded two doubles walkovers, giving the home side a 2-0 advantage without a shuttlecock even being hit. After the first round of singles the scores were level at 1 - 1, with Simon Broomfield convincingly winning 15-11, 15-7, however Captain Dave Wilcox lost 15-13, 415, 5-15; suffering an unlikely defeat following an excellent first set where his deft touches over the net were impressive. The next round of singles followed the same pattern as the first. Wilcox lost 3 - 15, 9 - 15, while Broomfield powered to his second victory of the day, playing some quality badminton along the way. He displayed some exceptional reactions and agility coupled with some booming overhand smashes in his 15-3, 15-6 victory, which made the levelled the tie at 2-2. Taking into account the walkovers in the doubles matches, Cardiff needed only one more rubber to win the tie, and the pairing of Alex Ewins and Ryan Livingstone provided the decisive win with a comfortable 15-0, 15-8 victory. The result meant that the final doubles match was irrelevant in the context of the overall context. The Cardiff team of Jessie Scharf and Fry Aldridge eventually succumbed to the Southampton pressure in losing 0-15, 15-8, 7-15, despite a spirited second set comeback. The final score in the tie was 5 - 3 to Cardiff. Afterwards Captain Dave Wilcox commented that he was pleased with the outcome of a tough fixture. He said “It was a good display and now we can be confident in progressing to the knockout stages.” The Cardiff skipper singled out two of his players for particular praise, naming Fry Aldridge man of the match, despite losing his doubles game, while he described Simon Broomfield’s result as “just what I had expected”.
BATH TIME FUN
CROSS COUNTRY: Demanding
BUSA in brief Results 7/12 BADMINTON W FOOTBALL M1 FOOTBALL M2 FOOTBALL M3 FOOTBALL W1 GOLF 1 HOCKEY M3 HOCKEY M4 HOCKEY W 1 HOCKEY W3 NETBALL 1 NETBALL 2 RUGBY M1 RUGBY M3 RUGBY W 1 SQUASH M1 BADMINTON M1 BASKETBALL M BASKETBALL W FENCING W FOOTBALL M 4 FOOTBALL W2 GOLF 2 HOCKEY M1 HOCKEY M2 HOCKEY W2 LACROSSE NETBALL 3 NETBALL 4 RUGBY M2 RUGBY W2 TENNIS W MEDICS M AFC 1 MEDICS W HOCKEY 2 MEDICS M HOCKEY 1 MEDICS M RUGBY 1 MEDICS M TENNIS MEDICS NETBALL 1 MEDICS NETBALL 2
OPPOSTION
RESULT
BATH SWANSEA 2 GLAMORGAN2 SOUTHAMPTON INST 3 BRISTOL 1 BOURNEMOUTH 2 UWE GLAMORGAN 1 EXETER ABERYSTWYTH 2 W BATH NEWPORT OXFORD BROOKES TRINITY 1 UWIC UWIC 2 SOUTHAMPTON SWANSEA BATH SWANSEA SWANSEA 4 WINCHESTER EXETER 2 MARJONS SWANSEA 1 SWANSEA 1 CAMBRIDGE SWANSEA INST GLAMORGAN 3 SWANSEA 2 EXETER UWIC MARJONS 2 SWANSEA 3 UWIC HARTPURY 2 UWE 2 HARTPURY 1 UWE 3
Lost 3 - 5 Win 5 - 1 Win 2 - 1 Lost 0 - 3 Win 2 - 1 Lost 1 - 5 Postponed Draw 4 - 4 Postponed Win - Walkover Lost 41 - 43 Win 74 - 14 Win 20 - 12 Win 23 - 19 Postponed Lost 3 - 2 Win 5 - 3 Win 58 - 55 Win 56 - 32 Win 135 - 107 Win 4 - 1 Postponed Lost 5 - 1 Win 7 - 1 Draw 1 - 1 Win 2 - 0 Lost 6 - 11 Win - Walkover Win - Walkover Win 15 - 7 Lost 50 - 0 Lost 10 - 0 Win 5 - 2 Postponed Lost 0 - 4 Win 23 - 22 Lost - Walkover Lost 20 - 40 Lost 18 - 32
HOCKEY: Table-top- BASKETBALL: Men ping firsts destroy and women enjoy Marjons Page 38 wins Page 38 & 39
PLUS: gair rhydd chat to Welsh rugby hero Mike Phillips
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gair rhydd
Sport
By James Lamswood Rugby Reporter
FOLLOWING THE success of the first team against the old enemy last week, Wednesday saw the two second teams do battle for extra bragging rights before the Varsity game. Cardiff were slow to start as the wet and difficult conditions resulted in mistakes from both sides. Swansea had the better of the opening exchanges with their back line looking dangerous. This pressure eventually led to Swansea scoring a try under the posts and the added conversion gave them a 7-0 lead. Cardiff rallied from this blow and began to exert their own pressure on the Swansea line. Following an injury to Chris Jenkins, Jack Beaman was brought off the bench and made an immediate impact from full-back. However, Cardiff were unable to breach the Swansea defence and went into the half-time break still trailing by a try. The second half began as the first had ended with Cardiff dominating the game. However, with an injury to second row Ali Price, the line out failed to function properly and only poor discipline from the Swansea backs led to Cardiff’s first points, as Beaman converted a simple penalty. This was followed by the introduction of Tom Isaacs at scrum-half who began to control the game and swing it in Cardiff’s favour. Beaman added another penalty to reduce the deficit to a single point. By this time centres Jamie Butt and Kai Lewis were finding gaps in the opposition back line, leading to two more penalties that Beaman duly slotted over making the score 12-7. The forwards were now dominating their opponents in all areas of the field. Stand-in captain Steve Mold and flanker Rob Hilton constantly disrupted the flow of the Swansea back line. The pressure again took its toll on the Swansea defence and Beaman converted to cement a 15-7 victory.
CARDIFF 2ND XV............ 15 SWANSEA 2ND XV............ 7
PHOTO: Dan Goddard
VARSITY BOOST
Interview with Welsh star Mike Phillips Page 37 SWANSEA: A terrible fortnight GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ! REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ! GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ! THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ! THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ! YOUR NAME’S AN OXYMORON CUNTYBOLLOCKS ! RIDLER: A QUICK LAUGH ISN’T WORTH MY RELATIONSHIP ! PAPAROUZI ! PERRI IN WETHERSPOONS - “TAKING THE PISS” ! NANDO PLAYED BINGO WITH MY GUTS AND GOT A FULL HOUSE ! WETHERSPOONS STAFF - FUDGE JUGGLERS ! PAV: MY GOD, HE’S HAIRY ! THE GRAEME AND SAM SHOW - FALLING OVER IN A BAR NEAR YOU ! TV JOHN SPOTTED DANCING TO OCS ! COCHRANE: A BECK’S DOES NOT A DOUBLE VODKA EQUAL !"G-DV: DEAD