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ISSUE 805 FEBRUARY 13 2006
CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972
Quench goes skyscraper with a special edition dedicated to New York
PULP CENTRE PAGES
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FRICTION
PHOTOS: James Perou
Sir Menzies Campbell at the Union: Better late than never? Full story Page 4
KATILEUA ME
! Thousands of copies pulped ! Students suspended over cartoon cock-up ! Islamic Society speaks out ! Editor apologises By Will Dean Deputy Editor
EXCLUSIVE
Interview Page 12
GAIR RHYDD’S editor and two other journalists were suspended from the union on Monday. On Saturday afternoon a decision was also made to recall and pulp all copies of Issue 804 of the newspaper. The call came after a small world news story on page six of last week’s edition of the paper featured one of the controversial Danish cartoons depicting
the Prophet Mohammed. gair rhydd was the first British publication to print the cartoons which have caused huge unrest since their initial publication in Denmark’s JyllandsPosten on September 30 last year. Although the paper went to press on the morning before demonstrations against the cartoons in London, mainstream UK newspapers had already taken the decision not to publish the infamous images. The gair rhydd offices in the stu-
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he gair rhydd admits that the reproduction of one of the controversial cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed in our most recent edition was a naïve and ill-considered course of action which caused needless offence to Muslim students and members of the community alike. The cartoon, which appeared on page six, was not reproduced as part of some frivolous defence of freedom of speech, but was a genuine mistake on our part which arose from a desire to give context to a small and balanced World News piece reporting the developing international situation surrounding the cartoons. Following the paper’s print deadline on Thursday February 2, the international situation, as you will all now be well aware, changed quickly and beyond all recognition. This recent episode in the history of the gair rhydd does not reflect the intentions or beliefs of the editorial team or the hard work and effort which goes into the paper each week. We can only apologise once again for causing offence. To this end, we would welcome any written contributions from students or the local community in order to help us understand the issues behind the events which have been taking place on the global stage over the last few days. We apologise for the harm we recognise we have caused. Tom Wellingham gair rhydd Editor
Editorial Page 6 dents’ union were also closed as a precautionary measure. The decision to publish the cartoon was widely condemned by local Muslim groups. Cardiff University’s Islamic Society issued a statement saying: “The right to express one’s opinion is a valued gift that should be exercised responsibly and maturely, taking into account the equal right of the sanctity and beliefs of others to be respected.
“The decision to publish the images was insensitive and totally unacceptable, serving only to intensify feelings of frustration that exist in the Muslim community.” Editor Tom Wellingham told gair rhydd: “We deeply, deeply regret any offence caused. We fully acknowledge it was a mistake to do so, and we realise it reflects badly upon us as a student newspaper. Everyone from gair rhydd is looking forward to putting this episode behind us.”
THE VIEW FROM CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ISLAMIC SOCIETY PAGE 2
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The Islamic Society respond to gair rhydd 804 glance February 13 2006
News Editorial & Opinion Mickelodeon Letters Media Interviews Taf-od Science Health Politics Valentine’s Pullout Dear Amber Television Five Minute Fun Jobs Horoscopes Listings Sport
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ACTING EDITOR Toan Ravenscroft DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis, Dave Menon (IMG Editor) LISTINGS Will Schmit TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Jane LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor SCOPES Christina Lane TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN Colm Loughlin HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson SUB-EDITOR Catherine Gee PROOF READERS Carly Hill, Alana Lewis, Jess Swinburne, Robert Knowles, Sophie Robinson, Sarah Crosbie, Jess Anderson, Joanne Grew, Leah Turner, Tom Hamilton CONTRIBUTORS Charlotte Stonebridge, Rachel Clare, Katie Kennedy, Rachel Faulkner, Helen Thompson, Huw Davies, Christopher Leigh, Ed Vanstone, Ross Whittam, KerryLynne Doyle, Paul Hunt, Dr. Iwan Ball, Josie Bunting, Nadia Bonjour, Kathryn Harries, Nicola Owen, Andrew Rennison, Claire King, Kate Monaghan, Matt Malsly, Marc Jones, Guy Martin, James Perou, Georgre Pawley, Jon Berridge, Lisa Gwinnett, John Lamswood, Jonny Carroll, Ollie Rocos, Billy Hemstock ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union
PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH
MUSLIM STUDENTS have been shocked, hurt and offended at the article published this weekend, reprinting the insulting cartoon mocking the beloved and noble Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him). The Cardiff University Islamic Society Newsletter Committee, strongly discourages all acts of aggressive violence and rioting, but we uphold the right to peaceful complaint, in order to address the grievances of many Muslims worldwide. We are aware that the wording of the article did not mock Islamic beliefs. However, this article aims to emphasise that the cartoon itself is a blatant mockery of the respected Prophet (pbuh) and all the followers of Islam. To begin we would like to show gratitude to the University Staff for their support and appreciate the withdrawl of the majority of copies and their claim to shred or burn them. However, we earnestly request them to set limits upon the freedom of broadcasting granted to gair rhydd where there are sensitive issues, sacred, important beliefs and people involved. The publication should never have originally occurred and hence we hope that the matter will be dealt with most effectively. The article was entirely inconsiderate to Muslim students and their entire belief. It disrespected them and most importantly, a Prophet, who is held in most high-esteem by Muslims throughout the globe and history. A man of great kindness, love, justice and tolerance towards all. The blasphemous pictures as originally printed caused uproar nationwide and the media has highlighted this very clearly. Undoubtedly, the writers would be aware of the reaction and upset this would have caused amongst Muslims. The article was not only unthoughtful and irresponsible but a cruel and heartless act by the newspaper involved. An act of this sort only serves to intensify and stir frustration evident amongst Muslims at present time. In addition to this, it enhances negative retaliation by many Muslims who feel that insulting imagery of their loved and honoured Prophet is beyond all limits of tolerance. I quote a student: “I understand that people are free to choose their beliefs, as there is no compulsion to believe or empathise with any faith. However, respecting a belief is a moral that should be left untainted at all times. Living and studying amongst people of various religions and cultural affiliations deems it necessary to respect and honour the beliefs of all around us in order that we may live in peace and harmony…as we obviously should. I mean, we can take criticism of us as Muslims, but to mock the Prophet (pbuh) whom we love more than our own parents is totally outrageous,
mean and uncalled for it’s asking for bitter reactions.” The newspaper should be promoting tolerance amongst students rather than rouse upset to those studying at Cardiff and worldwide. The matter is far greater than a local issue as it affects billions of people, yet no concern was displayed to this, at all. More significant is the fact that gair rhydd is a free voice “for students by students”. The article printed suggested to many that Muslims are alienated and exempt from the definition of students used by the newspaper committee. This is as it is obvious no Muslim student would be involved or even considered in the article concerned. If gair rhydd is to cater for all students, it is apparent
that Muslims have been excluded, even though there are so many studying at the University. Their feelings have been entirely ignored and undermined, leaving many feeling disrespected and unequal as students in a University, which has always welcomed Diversity. We urge the University to deal with such concerns and ensure equality amongst students and their representatives. Furthermore, Muslim Students should equally be able to have their voice heard through gair rhydd and should be consulted whenever an issue concerning their faith is in discussion and should have been on this occasion, as well. We hope that we are assured that the Prophet (pbuh) will never be belittled or humiliated in such an offensive manner again. Neither should such insensitive acts be repeated. gair rhydd must present the diversity on campus and therefore students regardless of religion or race are obliged to be involved in the newspaper to present the real student voice and not the voice of a few ignorant individuals. We would also appeal to all students, to gain knowledge and understanding of the sacred beliefs held by their fellow students, in order to prevent presenting inconsiderate judge-
ments that can cause both emotional and physical harm at a great level. Ignorance is the cause of prejudice and prejudice leads to injustice, which in turn closes the doors of peace, equality and understanding, which is integral to life and the Islamic faith.
What can be done now? All Muslim students would appreciate a formal apology from gair rhydd and would like the Prophet (pbuh) and their entire faith to be respected and tolerated by gair rhydd, all student societies and all students as well. By no means would we like to impose our beliefs upon others, but feel that in the current climate and in
address to the common perception of an exaggerated response by Muslims to blasphemous cartoons, we feel it is necessary to promote an understanding of who the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is in Islam. Muslims believe that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was the final messenger sent by God (Allah in the Arabic language), the Lord of all creation of Mankind. He is believed to be a Messenger and Prophet as are Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses, David, Solomon, Jesus and many more sent to the world to warn people of the Day of Judgement, Heaven and Hell and to teach them to live life according to the laws of the Creator and worship him alone. All Muslims respect all of the Prophets. It is believed by Muslims that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) came to perfect the religion, as ordained by God and sent to the previous Prophets. This was as much had been changed and innovated over time. It was to him, God revealed his final revelation to mankind, the Holy Qur’aan. This was revealed to him through the Angel Gabriel over a period of 23 years and 1427 years on, the text remains exactly the same and Muslims believe that God will preserve it as stated in the Qur’aan. The Qur’aan states that Muhammad (pbuh) was sent as a
Mercy unto the world. He is believed to be the beloved of God. It was through him that God was to teach and remind humans how to live through the test of life of this world and remind them of the fate of the righteous and sinful individuals in the life of the hereafter. Muslims are commanded to obey the Qur’aan as well as the teachings, ways, acts, approvals and disapprovals (Sunnah) of the Prophet of Muhammad (saw), as he was sent as an example to the World by God and lived accordingly to the Will of God. Muslims aspire to follow his flawless example. An example of undoubted patience, honesty, justice, piety, compassion for all God’s creation and thankfulness to God in every circumstance. He taught Muslims how to practise the laws of God with perfection and lived Islam as it was taught in the Qur’aan. He educated Muslims to worship the only One True God and never associate any partners in their worship to him. To establish prayer, pay Charity, Fast in Ramadan and make Pilgrimage in Mecca. He instructed Muslims to prepare for the Day of Judgement when each individual will stand accountable before God for their actions on earth. In the Qur’aan, God describes the Prophet Muhammad as of Most Sublime and Exalted Character (Qur’aan, 68:4). This is entirely true and is believed by anybody who studies it, whether they are Muslim or NonMuslim. “I have studied him – the Wonderful Man – and in my opinion far from being an Anti-Christ, he may be called the Saviour of Humanity.” (George Bernard Shaw, in “The Genuine Islam”, Vol. 1, No.81936) “Muhammad was the soul of kindness, and his influence was felt and never forgotten by those around him.” (A Hindu scholar, Diwan Chand Sharma, “The Prophets of the East”, 1932, p122) We hope that the reader now understands why depicting the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) in such an insulting and insolent manner is not only cruel and offensive, but is totally contrary to his character and is disrespecting a Man who is honoured and admired for his greatness and compassion as well as status in the Muslim belief, by billions of people throughout history.
HAVE YOUR SAY Email letters@gairrhydd.com
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February 13 2006
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FAR LEFT: Former editor Kate Thornton. LEFT: Smash Hits past and present
The £200,000 Roath drugs bust
FINES: For bad parking
Park-ing Life By Charlotte Stonebridge Reporter DRIVERS IN Cardiff could be penalised for bad parking under new plans for parking enforcement. The new parking strategy suggests using the money from such fines towards transport investment and aims to improve the traffic management on Cardiff's streets. A council spokeswomen said: “The main purpose of parking enforcement is to improve traffic management in Cardiff. “Income from penalties will fund parking enforcement and any surplus will be a bonus.”
STUDVEG: Veggie option
Vegging out By Rachel Faulkner Reporter A NEW scheme has been set up by the Vegetarian Society to support student vegetarian groups within universities. The ‘Studveg’ scheme will supply groups with leaflets and posters promoting the vegetarian cause and will promote email discussion on the issue. It also aims to encourage the formation of new vegetarian groups and comes in preparation of National Vegetarian Week, which begins on May 22.
HEROIN STASH: Glenroy Street
SMASHED By Katie Kennedy Reporter THE ONCE-POPULAR teen magazine Smash Hits has announced that its final issue is to be released this week. Sales have dramatically declined since its heyday: one million copies were sold in 1989 when Kylie and Jason were on the cover, however just 120,000 are sold today. It is thought that new technology has played a part in the magazine’s sale demise.
By Helen Thompson Reporter A HOUSE IN Roath became the scene of one of Cardiff’s biggest drug raids when armed police uncovered a stash of heroin worth thousands of pounds. Glenroy Street was blocked off at lunchtime on January 20, while officers from Rhumney Police Station Drug Squad entered the house and discovered a kilo of heroin with a street value of £200,000. Two men, 22-year-old Tufial Aktar and 28-year-old Mohammed Sajid, were arrested and charged with conspiracy to supply the class A drug, which has since been removed for forensic testing. The men, who are residents of Llandough Street and Glenroy Street, were remanded in custody on January 23. A Cardiff student said: “I’d just left my house when I saw that a riot van and two CID cars were parked further down the road, and that armed police were entering one of the houses.” Madeleine Currie, another resident, said: “It’s staggering and upsetting to think you’ve been living so close to such a large amount
The posters, gossip and lyric sheets which made the publication famous are now freely available on the internet. Marcus Rich, a director at publishers Emap said: “Smash Hits revolutionised the world of teen publishing, but the world is a very different place.” Former Smash Hits editor and X-Factor presenter Kate Thornton attributed the magazine’s demise to the competitive publishing market. She said: “I can’t believe it has closed but times have changed and there is a lot more competition now.”
of drugs.” The raid is the latest in the South Wales war on drugs that led to the closure of four ‘crack houses’ in four months last year. Detective Sergeant Terry Lee, of Rhumney Police Station Drug Squad, said: “South Wales Police is dedicated to stemming the flow of drugs into our communities. “The fact such a large quantity of heroin has failed to make it onto the streets of Cardiff is good news for the city.” It was recently reported that dealers who are driven out of England’s cities are turning to Cardiff as a potentially lucrative market. This has added to concerns about the presence of drugs in the city.
Ever y Little Yelps New Cathays store was former ‘sex club’ By Will Dean Deputy Editor THE BUILDING that houses a controversial Tesco Express store was said to once be home to ‘sex clubs’ and swingers’ parties, it was revealed this week. Swingers in ‘bondage suits and funny outfits’ were once seen leaving Robert’s Emporium Market, a former flea market on Salisbury Road. A former Cardiff student told gair rhydd: “That place was notorious for funny business.
ABOVE: New Tesco building was once ‘sex dungeon’
“Everybody knew about what happened there.” Although it is unlikely that anyone will be getting fruity at the new supermarket, our source revealed that one of his friends had visited saucy events at Robert’s. “He told me about the shenanigans that he got up to – mostly swinging with the sex clubs. “He also witnessed a lot of bondage and sadomasochism there.” It’s thought unlikely that Tesco will allow the swingers’ clubs to continue using the venue.
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Students protest at blood service ban on gay donors
By Rachel Clare Reporter STUDENTS FROM universities across Britain have boycotted blood donor sessions to protest against the ban on gay blood donors. Students have torn down blood donor advertisements and protested outside clinics, while Leeds Metropolitan University has stopped donations altogether. Britain’s blood stocks are now said to be in crisis. Gay men are banned from donating blood to reduce the transmission of diseases such as HIV. However, many students and campaigners believe this is unfair and believe that anyone practising safe sex should be allowed to
Late Liberal Sir Menzies Campbell visits the University, but strolls into meeting 45 minutes late By Dan Ridler News Editor
CAMPBELL: Late registration
LIBERAL DEMOCRAT leadership contender Sir Menzies ‘Ming’ Campbell has visited Cardiff. Sir Campbell, who is temporary party leader following Charles Kennedy’s resignation, delivered a talk at the Shandon Lecture Theatre last Monday. After arriving 45 minutes late for the pre-lecture meeting in the
Students’ Union he delivered a prepared piece to the assembled journalists and liberal faithful, before hastily departing to deliver his speech outlining his proposals for the party. Sadly, this left the would-be-leader with conveniently little time to accept questions from the gair rhydd. Campbell rebuffed critics who claim that he is too old to lead the party, demonstrating his youthful energy by recounting his day’s journey around the country.
Housing Horrors Loughborough students banned from living in new housing on University doorstep
CAMPUS: A stone’s throw from new estate
By Katie Kennedy Reporter LOUGHBOROUGH students have been banned from moving into a new housing estate on the doorstep of their university campus by the local council. The decision was made after local residents felt that students created too much noise and litter. The estate’s developers were only granted planning permission on the grounds that they would not sell the houses to students or landlords who might rent to students. The move has enraged Loughborough’s Students’ Union and they hope to overturn the council’s decision. Gab Stone, Loughborough Students’ Union President, has accused the move as equating to discrimination by the local council. He said: “If you replaced student with black or Asian, this would be unacceptable.” Charnwood Borough council have defended their actions by insisting
that local residents were worried that if students bought the new housing, it would quadruple the numbers living in the area and create more noise and litter. If the council successfully ban students from living on the estate, the landmark decision will have repercussions across the country and will mean that many councils may follow this example. It is believed that Leeds, Newcastle and Edinburgh are monitoring the outcome of the case closely. Dr. Richard Tyler, who lives in a student area in Leeds said: “We are outnumbered and outgunned by students and we just want to save our communities.” Last week a report launched by Universities UK said that areas with high student numbers suffer late night noise, high crime rates and soaring rent. The report also found that students improved communities because transport was better and graduates often settled locally.
donate. Richard Angell, President of Birmingham University’s Students’ Union maintains that the blood service holds ‘discriminatory and homophobic’ attitudes and encourages students to make a stand against a policy which is both ‘unfair and ignorant’. The blood service insists that its firm rules have made UK blood stocks the safest in the world, with only two patients infected by HIV after transfusions since 1985. It points out that it also bans hetrosexuals from donating who have been involved in dangerous practices, as well as anyone who has had acupuncture and lived in a country where HIV is rife.
The National Union of Students has suggested that gay and bisexual students should go along to blood donor sessions and get a hetrosexual friend to donate blood to highlight the fact that they can not give blood themselves.
WELSH STUDENT’S SUICIDE OVER UNIVERSITY DEBT By Rachel Clare Reporter A SWANSEA student has committed suicide because he was £1000 in debt. Geraint Banks-Wilkinson, 20, was discovered hanging from the ceiling of his flat in Swansea on January 13. His mother believes that financial worries forced him to take his own life. The day before he was found dead by his housemate, his bank, HSBC, had cancelled his overdraft. This meant that Geraint was not able to pay his course fees. His mother, who accompanied her son back to his flat after visiting the bank, described how he had cried over the debt. She said: “He had thought it was ok for a student to have an overdraft of £1000.” She added: “He was talking about his options and thinking about giving up university for a job and seemed fine.” A spokesperson for HSBC said she was unable to discuss Geraint’s bank details. Pete Goodman, President of Cardiff’s Students’
Union said that the incident highlighted how severly students can be affected by their financial worries. He added: “Geraint’s death is a tragedy. “I would urge any student who is worrying about debt to seek advice, which is confidential, from the Advice and Representation Centre on the third floor of the Students’ Union. “The University also oversees the financial contingency fund and emergency loan scheme which can be applied to via the Student Support Centre at 50 Park Place.” Geraint had been studying computer-aided design at Swansea Institute and was hoping to pursue a career in the computer industry. Paul Hatton, his former head teacher, described him as ‘a sensitive and good natured student’. He added: “He will be remembered fondly by staff and peers.” Geraint’s sister, Rhiannon, 17, also said: “He had a great sense of humour and was very funny. "He would help me with my homework and always stuck up for me." His father described the family’s sadness: “He was a friend to all of us, we are all utterly heartbroken.”
Student Winners
Vice-Chancellor David Grant presents an iPod Nano to first year undergraduates who took part in an online survey to find out what first years think about student life.
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A YOUNG LIFE LOST Malaria claims life of 19-year-old Talybont student A CARDIFF student was found dead by a housemate late last month. 19-year-old Matilda Cooper was found in her bed in Talybont South house four after contracting malaria following a recent trip to Uganda. The first year Philosophy, Ancient History and Politics student, known to her friends as Mattie, is remem-
bered for her generous personality and love of life. One friend commented that she had “packed more into her 19 years than most people manage in 90”. Following her unexpected death many of her housemates travelled home, although most have returned to Cardiff following the shock. Housemates were quick to praise
the University for their assistance and support during this difficult time. Her funeral took place last week in Devon. A statement, from the University’s Health Service, stated that, “malaria is not contagious and its mode of transmittion is not through person to person contact.”
‘ALWAYS SMILING’
Housemates’ tribute to life-loving Mattie following sudden death from Malaria By Dan Ridler and Caroline Farwell News Editors
“SHE WANTED to be fabulously rich, get drunk and live life to the full,” but Mattie Cooper’s life was tragically cut short when she died suddenly in her bed last week. Friends of the popular Cardiff student have come forward this week to share their memories of the out-going, free-spirited and generous Mattie. Boyfriend Nick Yates, who lived in the same house at Talybont, fondly recounted his time with her. “She was always smiling and she loved life. “I’ll never forget the nights out at the union. She was always up on stage having fun and laughing with the DJs, she just enjoyed herself so much.” Another friend remembered her confident personality and the way she threw herself into student life.
“A night out with her was always a laugh, she was absolutely crazy and had a great sense of humour.” “Mattie was always up for a laugh and loved getting drunk with her friends. “She was so generous and hilarious, I’ll always remember the way she could blag her way through any situation.
A night out with Mattie was always a laugh; she had a great sense of humour “When we first met her, the stories she’d tell seemed quite hard to believe, but when we got to know her we realised just how amazing Mattie’s life really was.” Her friends recounted how she had known celebrities, how she had introduced them to Tom Conti of American Dreamer and Friends fame, and how the fun-loving
Mattie once greeted Jason Donovan at the Union. Mattie had lived in Uganda before moving to England at the age of 12. She attended a boarding school in Kenya before moving to live in North Devon. Mattie had made plans to hitchhike to Morocco in the summer. “Mattie was a party-animal,” said another friend. “I remember when she came into a Politics seminar once really hung-over, she managed to put something together about Plato that was actually really clever and impressive.” Mattie had two older step-brothers and a younger half-sister. Friends said she was very close to her sister and recalled a time when her and Mattie’s mother came to visit at Christmas: “We all went to Winter Wonderland together and had a roast dinner. “Another time her dad came to visit and we all went to Rubber Duck. She always knew how to have fun.” Helen Wheeler, a close friend of Mattie’s, said: “She embraced student life to the
fullest and loved to make her own clothes and go shopping with her friends.” Mattie’s death has shocked her housemates, many of whom travelled home following the sad event. The University has offered family liaison counselling to the friends, who were quick to compliment the support provided by residences and Talybont staff.
Mattie was a party animal; she always lived life to its fullest and had a good time The mood remains subdued among her friends in Talybont as the close-knit community is feeling the loss of such a special person. Friends and family paid tribute to Mattie’s generosity, free spirit and fun loving nature at her funeral last week.
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s you’re all probably aware by now this has been a somwhat abnormal week for gair rhydd. By re-printing one of the, by now infamous, Danish cartoons regardless of when, and our intentions for doing so, we unintentionally became the focus of the media both here in the UK as well as around the world. It is important to note that our intentions were not to offend anyone but that the inclusion of the cartoon was a gross, gross, oversight on our behalf. We can make as many excuses as we like, but our failure to realise how volatile the situation was, and would soon become, is something we are all profoundly embarrassed by. Although very few people saw the page in question, it must once again be reiterated that the image was not included alongside the World News story as an example of student journalists frivolously defending the freedom of the press, abusing their power, or being deliberately provocative. The page was assembled and sent to print at a time when the international situaton in regions like the Middle East was vastly different and there was no widespread unrest or demonstrations. But once again, this is no excuse. We simply should have known better, and examined the wider context of the cartoons more closely. To be called ‘stupid’ in the national media isn’t something we are proud of and indeed we expect that the insults will continue for some time. For a group of young, aspiring journalists this hasn’t been easy to take on the chin, but it is fair to say that gair rhydd will emerge a better newspaper for it. We have also learnt, early in our careers, how important it is to be accurate. The number of conflicting ‘facts’ and mistakes in reports about gair rhydd made us realise that no matter how high-level the media organisation, fundamental mistakes in reporting are made. From this experience the editorial team at gair rhydd will do its best to ensure that its conduct while here in Cardiff and in future careers will be as accurate and professional as possible. Whilst gair rhydd defends freedom of expression, we also respect the right of all races, sexual orientations and religious groups to not be offended by the content of our newspaper. gair rhydd has come too far and done too well to let this incident sully our reputation and that of the hundreds of volunteers who help put together our award-winning publications each week. We’re now all looking forward to moving on; hopefully you will do this with us. As Tom Stoppard said: “I’m with you on the freedom of the press, it’s the newspapers I can’t stand.” Quite.
By Huw Davies
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o we’re all back from Christmas, which means we’ve all survived distant relatives, Christmas shopping and a turkey the size of Bolton. More importantly, we’ve survived the ‘Christmas Special’ of whatever ‘comedy’ programme is in the ascendancy that particular year. In the past, the British public have been treated to some excellent Christmas comedy. Seasonal editions of Morecambe & Wise and The Two Ronnies would regularly pull audiences in excess of 10 million, and Porridge and Father Ted both provided some cheer after the Queen’s Speech. 2005: Catherine Tate and Boycie. It’s a travesty, but not a completely unexpected one. Christmas Specials are considered to be the most popular programmes during this festive season and, unfortunately, this includes The Catherine Tate Show and The Green, Green Grass Of Home. British comedy long ago moved from innovation to regurgitation, illustrated by the catchphrase cash-cow that is Little Britain. Nowadays, all people want from comedy is a line they can repeat to their friends to make them look cool. I hate to say it, but The Fast Show is largely to blame for this. After decades of trying, we had finally shaken off Dad’s Army catchphrases – ‘You stupid
A granny who says ‘f*ck’ a lot. How hilarious. boy,’ ‘Don’t panic!’ etc. – and public consciousness was once again free of the same lines being repeated again and again. Then The Fast Show came along with “Suits you, Sir” and this blank canvas became a Jackson Pollock-esque mire. I don’t want to criticise Messrs Whitehouse, Higson et al. The Fast Show was funny and breathed life into the sketch show format for the first time since Not The Nine O’Clock News in the early `80s. It’s just that it ushered in
WALLIAMS & LUCAS: Ha ha ha. Perhaps not. the return of ‘catchphrase comedy’ and set anywhere in history and still be very it was only a matter of time before this funny, and Black Books – the secondbest – proved any ordinary situation can dictated BBC schedules. Of course, unoriginal comedy can be undermined with surrealism to great still be funny. Earlier, I criticised The comic effect. My Family can’t provide Green, Green Grass Of Home for being appallingly predictable (you can guess almost every punchline), but at least there are some laughs / chuckles along the way. In my mind, the most damning criticism of a comedy show is that it is unoriginal and unfunny. Step forward Catherine Tate. A granny who says “f*ck” a lot. My, how hilarious. ‘I’m not bovvered’. Me neither. It’s a crying shame that the likes of Tate are given an extended Christmas Special whilst genuinely talented female comedians seemingly disappear off the face of the earth. In other words, bring back Smack The Pony. The writers of sitcoms are probably the most to blame. Why do nearly all modern situation comedies revolve around a living room or the workplace? Blackadder – the best sitcom ever in my opinion – proved that comedy can be
original comedy because it is so unambitious, focusing on making hackneyed jokes about relatives. Oh look, the father’s just slipped on his son’s skateboard. Fantastic. We’ve dumbed down too. Despite the mild success of Armando Iannucci’s The Thick Of It, it is a fact that the brilliantly subversive Yes Minister would absolutely fail in today’s schedules. But all is not lost. There is still some hope for original comedy in the UK this century. Chris Langham beat Walliams, Lucas and Gervais to receive a BAFTA for his superb performances in The Thick Of It and Help, whilst Peep Show enjoyed a successful third series. Stand-up is also, in my opinion, better than it has ever been. There is now something for everyone: Lee Evans for fans of slapstick, Bill Bailey for those who like musical comedy and Dylan Moran and Jack Dee for all the grumpy bastards out there (myself included). Five years ago you’d have had Eddie Izzard as well, but he’s lost his way amidst a sea of fake breasts. Most excitingly of all, David Walliams and Matt Lucas have promised there will be no more Little Britain. If all goes according to plan, and the pair of them end up in hospital, 2006 promises to be a good year.
by alex wallis
FREE WORD
Sitcoms all laughed out
Al’s World
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THE RUN OF YOUR LIFE By Christopher Leigh
A
s I run down the tree-lined path that the locals charmingly refer to as ‘ass-rape alley’, I’m hoping their prophecy won’t become a reality. It’s on the dot of freezing, as dark as onyx and as quiet as the reading room at the British library. Why do I always go running on these chilly November evenings? The river on my right is liquid glass lapping at the path near my feet. I cross the bridge and get onto the playing fields, the other side of which I cannot see. Fog has squared-up, hubristic and high as a house, scentless, clammy and mustardy with grasping tentacles patting me on the back. It’s dead quiet now and it feels like I’ve just left the trench at Flanders. ‘The sliver of moon’ plus my adjusted vision is enough to see by as I follow a diagonal across the field.
Running is great for your mood. Running sends smiling endorphins pinging up your neural pathways and down the corridors and meridians of your soma. It aligns your qi and tenderises your trotters. It invigorates your ventricles and inflates your airbags. It burns blubber and it gives you a washboard; it’s a skeleton dancing at a party, a nodding dog on a parcel shelf, a Greek vase with air-filled moon boots and a squirty bottle of energy elixir. What colour does it turn your aura? Most of all it’s fun. Progress is made and that’s key to human nature. Each cathode-coupled eye-flash is a new landscape, or moonscape. You don’t retrace your steps; you can run circularly all over and back a different way. You can run through a quiet park at night with dragon’s breath and a head-full of worst-case scenarios. You’re a circumnavigator in the world of aching adductors and hoarse whis-
pering. You can pad the streets and dodge the drunks or you can set your sights on laurel wreaths and flashbulbs. In running it’s you against you, your toughest opponent and harshest critic. Getting fit is mostly motivation and when you’re there you get to look down on everyone jumping the hurdles. It’s antisocial. Running with someone else is pointless, you don’t want to have to slow down or speed up to keep the banter bubbling. It’s time to think without books or the internet. It’s enlightenment. It’s time to let your back-brain drop away and your thoughts to get chalked up on the blackboard of here and now. You’ll have some great ideas while you’re at it. Running is the anti-football; a world away from rugby’s homoeroticism or basketball’s sheer back and forth banality. It’s the drug of choice for the meta-minded and the possibili-
ties are endless. Speak to the guy in America who runs a marathon before breakfast and then does two forty-mile repetitions before putting his feet up and watching TV at the end of the day. That’s crazy but that’s ultra running, endurance is not capped. The exponential curve flows majestically past football and male bonding and flies up into the ether to that guy. Through the desert, through the jungle, through the centre of London; it doesn’t matter. Running against people is fun but it’s competition and that misses the point. The solo runner is the saddest sight on Britain’s streets. It’s an easy metaphor to see. Running is the perfect all-singing all-dancing existentialist mind-screw. What’s the point? There isn’t one. What’s at the end of it? Could be the beginning again; could be nothing, could be the end – why stop? That’s running and all of that is life.
February 13 2006
Editorial & Opinion
Page 7
opinion@gairrhydd.com
AEd CLERGYMAN’S GUIDE TO GAYS Vanstone explores the ridiculous content of the recent publication
O
of the Vatican’s advisory document on ‘gay tendencies’ of priests
nce, a long, long time ago when I was youthful and frivolous, I shared a bath with not one, but two other males. And I enjoyed it - the feel of bubbles on the skin, the passing of the rubber ducks and other toys, the splashing and the shouting. Oh yes, those were good times. Occasionally, back in those carefree days, I would sleep in the same bed as another male too. I enjoyed that as well. Three words that connote a whole world of fun: Top. To. Tail. I was probably around eight when I participated in these acts of all-man intimacy. But let us imagine for a moment that I had been not eight, but 18. I would have been displaying what the Vatican recently described in an advisory document as ‘gay tendencies’. Now, let us further imagine that, shortly after the bathing and bedtime escapades of my adolescence, I experienced a dazzling, epiphanic moment so astounding that I abandoned my teeth-gnashing atheism and attempted to become a priest. Let’s stretch this fantasy just a little bit further and imagine that I went through all the proper channels, did all the right things, and arrived all smiling and pretty at the gateway to priesthood. It’s probably at about this point that the subject of my ‘tendencies’ would come up. The person deciding if I should be allowed to become a priest might well consult the afore mentioned Vatican document, released late last year, which is entitled: ‘Instruction on the Criteria for Vocational Discernment With Regard to Persons With Homosexual Tendencies in View of Their Admission to the Seminary and to Holy Orders’. Or, as it should, but has not been subtitled: ‘How Gay is
too Gay? A Clergyman’s Guide.’ This wonderful document instructs everyone in the Catholic community – particularly budding priests – about the Vatican’s stance on allowing homosexuals to become men of the cloth. And what is this stance? Well, to say the least, it’s a little ambiguous. What is clear is that if you are or have recently been a ‘practising homosexual’ – strange is it not that we never talk of ‘practising’ heterosexuals – you are out buddy. No priesthood for you. Go away. You clearly have what the Vatican describes as ‘deep-seated homosexual tendencies’. Oh look, that word ‘tendencies’ again. Strange how everyone seems to just have ‘tendencies’ as opposed to being plain old gay.
Only those who have ‘overcome’ the problem of homosexuality need apply for the priesthood If you ‘actively support gay culture’ you are also kindly advised to refrain from pursuing priesthood ambitions. What does actively supporting gay culture entail? I’m not sure, and the Vatican have not expanded on the document’s guidelines, but I’m guessing it’s okay to like Elton John but you’re not allowed to say ‘Go ahead guys, go sodomise. I don’t care!’ to the gay community. Ballet appreciation and admiration of Stephen Fry would, by my reckoning, be allowed, but regularly wearing pink T-shirts and jamming along with the Scissor Sisters might well be quietly discouraged. The Vatican document instructs that only those who have ‘overcome’ the ‘transitory problem’ of homosexuality and mastered their ‘tendencies’ over
three years ago need apply for the priesthood. So if you kissed that pretty longhaired boy from school when you were fifteen in a drunken fit of loneliness that’s ok(ish) but for God’s sake don’t ever even think about it again you poor freak, and Christ, don’t let anyone else know about these past ‘tendencies’. Let’s just forget about it and both go home - separately mind - and wash. The fact that every priest takes a vow of celibacy regardless of sexual orientation - that’s orientation Mr Pope, not tendency - seems lost on the Vatican. Clearly they can’t bear the thought of celibate gay priests thinking about and not having sex with men, rather than celibate straight priests thinking about and not having sex with women. I’m sure that only an embittered atheist cynic like me would suggest that, by releasing this document shortly after the numerous paedophile priest scandals in America, the Vatican is aiming to make a scapegoat of homosexuals, and thus pacify the religious right, rather than face the rather more unspeakable and insidious problem of pederast priests. On the up side, I’ve just thought of a really good educational game they could use in faith schools. The teacher gives the class details about a person and the class has to decide, using Vatican-supplied knowledge, whether he’s too gay, not gay enough (a trick answer option!), or just right for priesthood. It would teach arithmetic and papal values. It’d be brilliant. ‘So class, David Walliams allowed Will Young from Pop Idol, who has, remember, ‘deep seated tendencies’, to sit on his lap on national television. Bearing in mind this happened less than three years ago and rumours about Mr Walliams have been rife in the media, should he, if he so desired,
be allowed to become a priest? Hands up please… yes, Vivian?’ ‘No miss!’ ‘Well done Vivian! And for a bonus point where is Will Young going?’ ‘To hell miss, to hell with all the rest!’ Look out for that one. I’m going to patent it.
GAYS: Or not according to Vatican
HOMOSEXUALS: Unaccepted by the Vatican
The lack of Conservative reality By Ross Whittam
I
suspect that many people reading this are likely to have little interest in the Conservative leadership race that happened last year, and I can’t really blame you. It is probable that their new leader will make little difference to who wins the next general election. This is because whoever won the leadership contest will still be representing a Conservative party that is out of touch with most of Britain, particularly young people. Despite stating that they aim to reform the party, it is doubtful that their policies will change considerably. At the last election, the Tories attracted a lower percentage of votes from people aged 18-24 than Labour or the Liberal Democrats. Many within the party often wonder why this is, but a quick glance at many of their policies, ideas and values exemplifies why they are so out of touch with our generation. The party was against the minimum
wage and at the last election did not promise to raise it should they be elected. For many students who work parttime the minimum wage (and recent rise) has helped enormously. Look at their higher education policy. At the last election they advocated the current student loan system to be scrapped and replaced with loans that incurred higher interest similar to those offered by banks. Who would benefit from this exactly? Certainly not the majority of students who rely on their
The Tories don’t need a new leader. They need new ideas
student loan for survival at university. Furthermore, their idea to limit the number of A grades awarded at A Level would merely help the select few and not the majority of intelligent students.
The party believes that pushing many young people to go to university is wrong when all that has occurred is the promotion of the choices available to many people when they leave school. If people have the intellect to attend university, why shouldn’t they? In America far more people attend university than in the UK, but this has not affected the economy, only benefited it. Many students and young people have welcomed the relaxing of licensing laws, yet the Conservatives were against this policy in the belief that it would lead to increased binge-drinking. Do they not realise that most students will binge-drink regardless of the licensing arrangements? Consider the number of female Conservative politicians. There are more females at university today than there has ever been before. However, only 17 of the 198 Conservative MPs are women. The party claims that it is not racist, yet why did they only elect their first black MP this year? It illustrates the
fact that the party does not reflect the society or culture in which most young people have grown up. Cameron has indicated his attraction to the flat tax, which would see nearly 30 million Britons worse off and the super-rich even richer. How many hardpressed students would support this proposal?
Only 17 of the 198 Tory MPs are women The Tories were humiliated in the last three elections because they were perceived as nasty and out of touch, especially with young people. Yet how has much of the party responded? By persecuting their prospective leaders over their offences as students, such as taking drugs. Cameron and his supporters seem to believe that they will win the next election or one after by simply changing the face on Tory posters and making the
party look young, modern and friendly. The fact that Cameron looks moderate is all that matters. The Tories don’t need a new leader. They need new ideas. Looking for new people instead of policies in the past decade has been disastrous. Cameron now needs to make serious policy changes for the Conservatives to gain the extensive support of students and young people.
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February 13 2006
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MICKELODEON As seen on TV
Fast moving depression
I
f you’re reading this then congratulations: you’ve survived the most miserable day of the year. Plastered across the nation’s media on January 23, ‘Doctor’ Cliff Arnall announced that his formula of weather, debt and work prospects showed it probably wasn’t worth getting out of bed. Well, he got one thing right: I certainly was depressed on the 23rd, having seen the name of the university used to publicise such rubbish. With his PR puff piece written up in 33 newspapers last month, the idea that Cardiff University works on such drivel has certainly spread far and wide. So who is Cliff Arnall? He’s not part of the well-respected School of Psychology, but is instead a part-time tutor in the Centre for Lifelong Learning. He teaches such important ten-credit modules as ‘Health Psychology’ (‘Do people die of a broken heart?’) and the improbably named ‘Amazing Psychology of Sleeping and Dreaming’.
He’s lumbering the School of Psychology with the impression that they are a bunch of conartists As a self-confessed ‘media slut’, it probably won’t be long before we hear from Cliff again. Last year he also worked out when the happiest day of the year is (that study funded by icecream makers Walls, and including an anecdote in the press release about eating, um, ice cream) as well as when the best time is to make New Year’s resolutions (May 18. No, really.) The formula for most depressing day of the year was actually released last year through PR company Porter Novelli; (presumably The Lancet was busy). Back then it was research for Sky Travel, and surprisingly enough, the conclusion was that people could relieve their problems by booking a holiday. Mr Arnall is only partially to blame; the newspapers who merrily picked up this PR pap are just as much to blame. On a slow news day in January, it’s perfectly easy for a newspaper to pick the story up and use the press release without bothering to question it. He has told me that he has never referred to himself as a doctor (as he isn’t one), but this was something that the newspapers have all independently decided to use. He also claims that his links to Cardiff University have been made by the newspapers themselves.
HOLIDAYS: Cliff’s solution to all of life’s problems However, out of 129 mentions of Cliff Arnall in the press since the beginning of last year, 94 mention he is part of Cardiff University, whilst 85 of those claim he is a doctor. It’s difficult to believe that so many newspapers can be bothered to do that much research. He denies that his work was ever intended to be considered as academic research, and that it is instead about ‘helping people talk about their feel-
ings and get the most out of life’. Well, as long as he isn’t just using Cardiff’s name to line his own pockets, then I guess that’s okay. Even taking into account the role of the media, Mr Arnall still has a case to answer. I doubt that he would be considered as someone that Porter Novelli could use to promote their cause, if they could not make a link with the University explicit. It’s implausible that this wasn’t part of the plan all
along. The upshot of his ‘work’ repeatedly turning up in the media is that he is lumbering the School of Psychology (which he isn’t in, but the press rarely specify that) with a view that they are really a bunch of con-artists more concerned with making money than serious academic study, instead of being one of the most respected departments in the country. “Doctor” Cliff can make money however he likes, but he gets his work published because he can use the name of the University. How good your degree is considered by employers is entirely dependent on how well the institution is viewed. A 2:1 in Law from Oxford is considered a damn sight better than a First in it at the Worcester College of Technology. Do you want to be considered a student who went to a respectable university with an excellent research record, or one whose name is used by staff on the payroll of whichever company has the biggest chequebook? Regardless of who let the story loose this year, everyone in the University is dragged down by this crap. Still, considering it’s only a few short months until the happiest day of the year, we should probably brace ourselves for more cod science from the Good Doctor.
T E N N E W MOD U LE SU G G EST I ON S FOR CA R D I F F • Amazing Psychology of Sleeping and Dreaming • Naked Synthetic Chemistry • Magical Trigonometry and Calculus • Now That’s What I Call Endocrine and Paracrine Signalling • Oddly Arousing European Security Issues
BROWN DAY ONE MORE story to revisit from January: Gordon Brown’s idea of a British Day. Which is all well and good, as long as someone susses out what being British means. But has anyone noticed that next year is the 200th anniversary of the UK? Our future Prime Minister either has some incredible foresight (although it’s hard to imagine a proud Scot putting British Day on the date that England forced his homeland into a Union), or everyone is missing a darned huge anniversary. Now all we need is some kind of celebration of Britain. Maybe in a dome-shaped building…
• Erotic Architecture since 1940 • 4 in 1 Latin Historical Texts – now with rinse action • Kant’s Most Bodacious Ethics • Cannon and Ball’s Internet Computing • Kirsty’s Home Introduction to Political Thought
EVILS ON WHEELS LIKE ANY student columnist worth their ranty salt, there are vast tracts of the population that I take an instant dislike to. The letter P alone throws up Plaid Cymru, planning students and People and Planet. Silence, the lot of you, before I gut you like a fish. But whilst working this January I found that there was someone I wasn’t allowed to dislike. They were a disingenuous, incompetent gurgling waste of space. They were also in a wheelchair. I feel that I should make readers aware of my experience with disabled issues. I worked for two years with two heavily disabled brothers in wheelchairs. I am well versed in Crip Theory. Of course, in an ideal world I wouldn’t have to do this; but I think it’s the one thing that keeps my problem from turning into a particularly bad episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. So, given that no-one else seems to consider him a blinking waste of space, what’s a boy to do? Don’t talk to him, and I have a problem because he in a chair; talk to him, and he’s going to make it onto my ‘gut like a fish’ list. I’m fully expecting that something awful will happen by next week and I’ll end up in a chair for being the only person who failed to see their upsides. But life is full of such crippling ironies.
DROP DEAD, GORGEOUS
GALLOWAY: ‘Shall I be the twat?’
THERE IS nothing worse than jumping onto a bandwagon after it has gone by. Fortunately, the mocking of George Galloway has now been and gone such a long time now, that I feel that things have come full loop. I am, for all intensive purposes, a pioneer. I probably wouldn’t care so much, but me and Gorgeous have history. I was supposed to be interviewing him in November, but he cancelled, without telling me. Not that I’m bitter, of course. He’s been far too busy with destroying his career to worry about such trifling things. But there are still people who insist
that ‘yeah, I don’t like him, but I agree with his politics’. So how is the supposedly discredited politician still winning so much support? Plain and simple: he is nothing to do with the anti-war movement; he’s a one-man anti-American politician. From North Korea to Cuba, Venezuela to Iraq, there’s barely a corrupt regime that he hasn’t voiced support for, so long as it is against the USA. Given how much blind antiAmericanism seems to be blurted out at this university on a daily basis, it’s probably only a matter of time until he pays another visit here anyway.
Letters
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February 13 2006
letters@gairrhydd.com
gair rhydd letters pages gair rhydd has been at the centre of press and public attentions this week. Unfortunately our entire web server crashed on Tuesday and we have been unable to retrieve any of your letters. We assure you this isn’t a cop-out on our part, we look forward to printing all your views on the last week in next week’s letters page. So get them in as soon as you can. Cheers, the gair rhydd team.
Misguided Struggle I EXPECT NOTHING more from your opinion column than the dramatic over-emotional piece by your columnist Wendy Woodhead (‘Giving your consent’- Dec 12th) but I feel it necessary to point out a few of my own observations with regard to her writing. Let me first start by saying that in no way am I condoning sexual aggression of any kind. Her opening lines regarding how many times have you witnessed a man acting obnoxiously toward a woman; well, about as many times as I have witnessed a woman acting obnoxiously to a man, and very much less than I have witnessed men being obnoxious to men and women to women. Her notion that British society has a pervading idea that women must know their place is plainly ridiculous. If one wants to witness an equal society then may I suggest that one visits Scandinavia or other Nordic countries where the notion of women and men being equal is not even an issue; it just is. There appears to be, in British society, a misguided struggle between the sexes for equality. It can generally be seen, on the woman’s part, that to be equal with men they have to adopt the worst type of male behaviour in order to achieve it. One only has to walk down St Mary's Street on any weekend to witness this, or any other town centre for that matter. I can safely assure Ms Woodhead that our society is not a male-dominated patriarchal one that she seems to envisage or to draw her identity from. A trip to the divorce or child custody courts will soon clarify that.
She suggests in her article that a woman can wear what she wants, behave as she wants, get in any state that she wants, say anything she wants and not have any responsibility for what may happen to her or those around her. That is probably the most stupid and dangerous message to be sending out to young women that there is, and your publication actually printed it. She also said that it was her belief that the mind acts independently of the body. Well, ludicrous statement that this is, it is the biggest excuse that could be used to justify rape that I have heard. The consent issue is a prickly one, although in British law the 'beyond all reasonable doubt' fundamental has to come into play if a party is too drunk to know what he or she was doing or saying, given that there were no other witnesses. We cannot have a situation where people are convicted of rape or anything else when there is doubt, this would just open up another bigger can of worms. I think that if the answer to the question 'Do you want sex?' is 'yes' or even 'I'm not sure' then this has to be cause for reasonable doubt. Finally, though I could go on, the regression of society that she alludes to at the end of the article has indeed already begun. Women are beginning to act like loud, lairy, drunken, moronic apes in precisely the way that men have been doing for years. Happy equality. May I suggest that your publication consults some of the more grown-up periodicals in order to learn how to construct a balanced and informed editorial column, and not just put out hysterical ill-judged pieces such as this.
Text: 07791165837 Does susan kennedy/smith have tatoos in real life? Techno techno techno techno! What do you call an ugly guy in engineering? James rivers Jason says the aids virus was probably started by a welsh man fucking a sheep If you wanna have a good time, just give me a call!
Night time fire alarmstimes by incompetent staff (arseholes) - equals talybont court Would you rather lick a dog’s arsehole or your granddad’s arsehole Rosie has the biggest horn ne 1 has ever known! Watch out boys! Roni Size told me he has a pet dodo WANTED: proofreaders who aren’t cretins.
Kind regards Charles Dabbs
Well Done Wendy WENDY, I WOULD just like to say how impressed I was with your recent opinion piece, I thought it was extremely well written, valid and impassioned (even if it didn't mean to be.) It really made me quite angry about this issue again and we can only hope, then, that you have stirred the same feelings in a great deal of readers. Have you, and the gair rhydd, everconsidered launching a campaign to change laws - ie like the Mirror andlately Glamour magazine who have used a regular issue to pressurise the local government - I think this is something that really really needs to be done in a world where the media carries more weight than polititians!? Yours, Jess Boydell, Amnesty International Wales
Rape Debate AFTER READING Wendy Woodhead’s article on drunken consent, I thought that she is showing signs of prejudice towards all men making them out to be uncontrolled rapists. From what I can gather from her article she has a strong belief that drunken consent is not consent at all. In that case when I get drunk with my girlfriend and we both come home bladdered, and make sweet love until the sun comes up, by your definition I have raped my girlfriend, and also my girlfriend has raped me? How can you say this? I think most decent people understand that if you take a semi conscious drunk, then have sex with them just because you can, it is abusing the situation and is indeed rape. However if a drunk person meets someone they find attractive whilst drunk, has sex with them, then when they sober up realise that the gorgeous swan they met earlier has turned into an ugly duckling, a sign of regret does not constitute an immediate cry for rape. I know many guys who have indeed put on their beer goggles during a night out and ended up regretting having sex with a woman about whom the thought of being naked would normally kill any sexual thoughts and in some cases induce vomiting! Does that make the less attractive woman a rapist? Because surely that woman knew that the guy she was having sex with didn’t in fact like her when sober! NO! In this situation the guy usually does regret it but far from calling it rape he just has to live with the horrible memories of the time he slept with the heffalump, and I’m sure his friends won’t let him forget any time soon! Maybe I’m being a bit harsh, but all I’m trying to point out is that a person can make a mistake because they are drunk, a mistake they may have to live with! However, if a man takes a drunk woman and just because that woman is drunk makes them do things they do not want to do, then the man is indeed a rapist and deserves to have his privates mangled in a vice.
The problem with the system is that there would be no way for the woman to prove it if she can not remember, and the legal system needs evidence! So what you meant to say is, girls be careful, because there are some messed up people out there! Anonymous John
You’re Grammared A QUIBBLE with Christopher Leigh's Editorial & Opinion article from before Christmas, in which he discusses “…the extensive vocabulary, the witty bon mots and shrewd cultural observations…” If you're so clever, learn to make an adjective agree with the noun it modifies. One 'bon mot', many 'bons mots'. Sidney Cook, PG Sociology
Way off the Primark I WAS INTRIGUED by the front page article about Primark not being very ethical in their purchasing arrangements. Maybe it needs a grown-up to point out some startlingly obvious facts: 1. People who shop at Primark are generally poor themselves and exist on the pittance of a minimum wage. When you are poor, unlike the typical "liberal" student who comes from a nice middle-class suburb in Surrey and can run back to Daddy when they're a bit skint; and you live on less than ten grand a year, AND you have a family to clothe and feed, the bottom line for you is the cost at which you can do it. Most working-class people couldn't give a damn about HOW the clothes are produced so cheaply, as long as they are available. In the ideal Britain, we wouldn't have any poor people, but life ain't fair. 2. You judge the conditions in China or India from your own pampered position in life. There are plenty of poorly-paid workers in this country doing shitty jobs for sweet FA, but I don't hear you speaking up for them! Besides, the Chinese workers don't know any different, do they? It is human nature for those at the top to exploit those at the bottom, whether that is in a capitalist economy or a communist one (after all, we are all equal; some are just more equal than others). The fact is, due to the joys of globalisation, the fat cats can exploit third worlders even more cheaply than they can exploit the British peasantry. Wouldn't you agree that it would be better to charge huge import tariffs on foreign goods to encourage the British people to buy from UK suppliers who HAVE to take care of their workers? I certainly think so, but then the liberals would whinge that we're not supporting the third world? Can't have it both ways though . . . 3. In a capitalist economy, it is the consumer who ultimately decides who stays on the high street and who doesn't. If the public are concerned about the working conditions of the people who produce the goods, they will boycott the shop and it will go bust. Given that they are opening a new store on Queen Street, I think the public have spoken. In conclusion, if YOU don't like it then don't shop there, but PLEASE
stop preaching your ignorant, naive, self-righteous bollocks to the rest of us. Yours Andrew Caldicott Final Year PhD Student.
Wank Yank Bashing YANK BASHING really is the easiest journalistic (if an opinion piece in a student rag counts as journalism) game in town. Geordie really does not like the USA very much does he? Only a couple of weeks ago, I attempted to point out how bigoted and lazy it really was for your opinion writer to dismiss the entire cultural output of the USA with his dismissive quotation marks. Now gair rhydd readers are treated to his valuable opinions on geopolitics once again. It only takes until the second paragraph for your intellectual heavyweight from the north east to trot out the same old lazy clichés and half truths that students lap up. US immigration is strict, but hey, it's their country and they can choose to let in who they please. Just because they ask questions about why you're visiting the US and what your plans are, this is not an accusation. Given that the 9/11 terrorists were allowed to remain in the country partly due to failures in the immigration system, one can understand why they've taken the decision to be a bit firmer at airports. Do you blame them? Or maybe it's the fact that (shock horror) white middle class British people are being asked about their intentions when they fly to the USA that provokes such indignation? I think most Americans (and Britons) would prefer their immigration officials to do their jobs properly, even if that ruffles the feathers of your fearless correspondent. If you don't like it Geordie, don't go to America! I'm sure the Pullitzer panel will be able to enjoy your acceptance speech via video link or something. Next sentence. George Bush's intelligence. Geordie puts to us the usual lines about Bush being an 'unthinking, insensate fool' with an IQ of 98. Well Geordie, you should learn to Google just that little bit harder. The Lovenstein Institute of Scranton, Pennsylvania report George W Bush's IQ to be just 91. Maybe you misread his daddy's score, which was indeed 98. Never let the facts get in the way of a good story! Or maybe when it comes to discussions of brainpower, people in
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Letters
February 13 2006
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letters@gairrhydd.com glasshouses shouldn't throw stones! You chose to ignore the fact that Bush was in the top 16% of students when he sat his US SATs. Or that he has degrees from both Harvard and Yale. But anyway, the President is a thicky, right? Let's continue with that hypothesis and ask, does it matter? Is a leader's job to be an intellectual driving force? Or perhaps a leader should be someone who can unite a group and ensure that all the talents (intellectual or otherwise) within that group are allowed to flourish. Or perhaps a leader is just a likeable (to most Republicans anyway) figurehead around whom the party can rally in order to raise money and win votes. Is Geordie's sole criterion for defining a good leader IQ? Then why are the British people not screaming for Carol Vorderman to be the next PM? One sign of intellect would be to check facts. The US spends 19% of her budget directly on defence. That's less than 50% so Geordie is just plain wrong to say that 'most' of the budget goes on defence. So we move towards the end of Geordie's work and we see what, I think, is a dig at Bush's accent - 'freedumb.' That really is a bit low, to mock a foreign man for the way he speaks. I'm sure Geordie wouldn't like it very much if someone was to mock the distinctive accent heard in and around Newcastle upon Tyne. What particular accent does Geordie think that a New Englander who grew up in Texas should possess? You have chosen Geordie as your columnist, but given his recent performances, where he has revealed himself to be unable to construct decent new arguments and instead resorted to intellectual laziness, clichés and xenophobia, isn't it about time you considered replacing him? Neil, (PG Chemistry) Coincidentally Geordie has already left gair rhydd. He says: I actually made the US military expenditure 15% ($370.7bn of
$2.466tr). While this is clearly short of the 50% required to definitively claim that ‘most’ expenditure is on the military, it is true that military expenditure accounts for more than half of the Federal Discretionary Expenditure (all of the money not spoken for by pre-existing obligations). “Free-dumb” was not an attack on President Bush’s accent, but a (bad) pun reasserting that he’s a bit simple. But, hey, don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story. Yes, I did mistakenly quote his father’s IQ rather than Bush junior (I make no claims of infallibility) but to make such a an issue of one throwaway remark, and one in parentheses at that, is to give it disproportionate prominence. I don’t expect the Prez to be a genius, just sufficiently on-the-ball to deal with the complex issues he encounters daily. As for the degrees from Harvard and Yale: anyone can get a degree - look at me…. I by no means ‘hate’ America and certainly not Americans. They aren’t (and couldn’t possibly be) any ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than any other group of people. But they are led, in my opinion, by a complete tit. (As is the UK for constantly pandering to US demands.) Land of the free, home of the brave, former of naked human pyramids. The bad, sadly, outweighs the good.
Leaf Me Alone I’VE FINALLY had enough. Every time I’m going through the Union I have a leaflet shoved in my face. I originally found a small grace period after I purchased my MP3 player where I was simply ignored, but the leafleters seem to have overcome this fear with the ensuing spread of the iPod.
letter of the week Housing Horror I HAVE NOTICED a huge increase in people being escorted around Cathays by possible housing crooks in the last two weeks. Students start looking for houses earlier every year. The problem is I don’t understand why. Current tenants in houses have not normally confirmed if they are staying in their houses for another year or not until the end of January. Therefore the selection is no better than any other time of the year or it’s possibly even worse because the letting agent can’t show or won’t show the unconfirmed houses yet. I think that an article should be published outlining the sale techniques that companies like Keylet and CPS use to fool vulnerable freshers into panicking and rushing to let houses. The simple fact is that there are more student houses in Cardiff than students need. I left my house hunt till June last year and ended up getting an So I moved on to ignoring them in return, not because I hate the leafleters, but because I’m bored of saying ‘no thanks’ all the time. This new strategy results in moans of ‘that guy just totally blanked me’ after I’ve walked past, which somehow manages to make me (yes me!) feel guilty. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I even say the ‘thanks’ part? It’s not like they’re providing me with a useful service. All they do is hand me a pointless piece of shiny paper, of which the number of times I have found interest in I could count on one hand. Most people just pick them up without the slightest inkling of what they’re about and you end up with a stream of leaflets in the Union and overflowing the nearest bin. The ones that really get me are the
extremely good four-person flat for three of my friends for just £200 a month right out the back of the union. I also think that you should mention the processes that new tenants should go through deciding which company to part money with. I know the house is the most important reason to choose a letting agent because they all have different housing portfolios. But there is always a house very similar or better with other companies, you need to shop around. People should consider whether they will ever get their bond back from the agent. From personal experience I know it’s easier to get blood from a stone than your bond from Keylet. Also are the agents reliable? Will the company take weeks to fix faults with the property? Will the company send endless numbers of people looking round your house during exam periods (ie. Keylet)? There are thousands of reasons
not to go with some agents. I have learnt there are no reasons to let a house from Keylet at least and people should be aware of this, unless they have a good and inexpensive solicitor.
Union ones. Did you know that Fat Friday was every Friday!? And that they have some other DJ that I have never heard of and wouldn’t care about? It’s not like the DJ choice matters anyway, because they’re required to play the same thing week after week to conform to the expected choice of music. It’s just so unnecessary, it makes the mind boggle. If people were interested they’d look it up on the net, or in gair rhydd or they could leave some leaflets at reception for people to pick up if they wanted to. Despite the obvious annoyance of having someone come and ask you if you want something every time I was going through the Union like it was a cheap brothel, I can understand why. I’m sure the Union gets money from all these advertisers/promoters and they provide jobs for students. The thing that really gets me, though, is how the problem is made about a million times worse during
freshers’ week when the Union steps annually gain a multi-coloured paper carpet. Why can’t we impose a policy of having a stall only for these people and then students can come up and ask for a leaflet if they’re interested? It’s not like you can’t miss the damn stalls with giant banners and what not. During freshers’ week the Union could make an events booklet that promoters could pay to have their events advertised in. I’m sure it would be a lot more comprehensive than thirty leafleters and would prevent you imitating a slalom event when you went up the Union steps. Students would then only require one thing rather than a barrage of leaflets and the Union would get some cash for the bother. Rant over. And I got through that without even mentioning the obvious environmental factor!
Text:
Matt
HOUSING GUIDE 06: Now available in the Union
Jon (Third-year Cplan)
07791165837
Kelly i cant believe u shat yourself on a bus aged 20. and your nickname is not wolf. Not only is catdog a sharting dog muncher but he also likes to drink malibu whilst talking to family fish man To the man with glasses: STOP STEALING sugar bags from the Trevithick restaurant!!! Becky bumhole Yes u know who u r!
Grewey loves hairy ginger swaddie bollocks yes yes oh yay Congrats 2 fitze after 4weeks of hell the gum clinic gave him the all clear on monday The recent smell in Cardiff bay has been discovered to have been caused by Cara’s DISCO GASH!!! We’ve changed our name to Twice as Nice. Now they’ll never catch us. Mwahaha
Media
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February 13 2006
media@gairrhydd.com
A matter of media life or death
What price would you put on a news story? According to a new report, the war in Iraq contributed to 2005 being the deadliest year in a decade for journalists
By Josie Bunting Media Reporter
P
ress freedom organisation Reporters Sans Frontieres found that 63 journalists were killed last year, an increase of nearly 20% on 2004. Iraq was the most dangerous country; 24 journalists and four media assistants died there. Over the last three years, since the war began in March 2003, 76 journalists have died in total in Iraq. This is more than the whole Vietnam War, which lasted 18 years.
In 2005 China jailed the most journalists The main causes of the deaths were terrorism and guerrilla attacks,
although the US military did kill three journalists. The next deadliest country was the Philippines, where seven journalists died. Here, drug-traffickers, businessmen and even politicians will kill journalists about to expose their crimes. ITV News no longer has any journalists in Iraq. Editor-in-chief, David Mannion, told the Guardian Unlimited it is now safer for journalists to be embedded with military units rather than reporting independently. One of the first media casualties of the Iraq War was when ITN reporter Terry Lloyd was killed under crossfire. His cameraman Fred Nerac went missing in the attack. In October last year, the Guardian called a meeting of its journalists based in Iraq to discuss whether they should continue to be based there. This followed the kidnapping and release of one of their reporters. News organisation Reuters has created a compound in Baghdad to shelter its staff. David Schlesinger, Global
Western Mail boss quizzed over cuts
LIBERATE: A rally held in Romania to free 3 journalists held in Iraq Managing Editor, told the Guardian Unlimited that although Iraq is dangerous, they feel it is a place they have to report from. In 2005, the highest number of jour-
Helpful or unhealthy? The proliferation of modern technology has seen Citizen Journalism becoming the newest form of reporting By Nadia Bonjour Media Reporter
W WESTERN MAIL: Under fire from Trinity
By Heather Casey Media Editor
T
he Western Mail and Echo’s Managing Director, Keith Dye appeared in front of an Assembly select committee last week to defend impending job cuts at the newspaper. As gair rhydd reported back in December, 30 jobs were threatened to be cut as paper owners Trinity Mirror made cutbacks nationwide. The National Union of Journalists (NUJ) presented a report saying that there is “no justification” for the job cuts, during the meeting with the Assembly’s Culture, Welsh Language and Sport Committee. Trinity-owned icwales.co.uk reported that Mr Dye has rejected that the cuts have been ordered by Trinity Mirror. He attributed the redundancies at the Western Mail and Echo Ltd to an advertising slow-down in late 2005. The NUJ chairman for Cardiff and South East Wales reported that 90.5 percent of Union members had voted
for strike action against compulsory redundancies. However, developments on HoldTheFrontpage.co.uk claim: “No action will follow because enough volunteers have come forward to cover the ten journalists’ posts being made redundant.” Mr Dye also defended the Western Mail by explaining how the company had heavily invested in Welsh titles and improved them, commenting on the successful re-launch of the Western Mail in compact form. Martin Shipton, an NUJ spokesperson told HoldTheFrontPage.co.uk of his concerns for the future: "Two years ago 21 journalists' jobs went, and we are concerned that if the company doesn't change its strategy in another two years there will be further cuts." The newspaper’s editor, Alan Edmunds, was quoted in his own publication commenting that the cuts would not affect the quality of the paper: "We will be able to develop the Western Mail according to the plan for this year. It's about understanding your market."
nalists were jailed in China; 32 of the 126 in jail around the world. Writer Yu Dongyue has been in prison in China since the Tiananmen Square massacre in 1989. In Cuba, 24 journalists are
currently in jail. The Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ) claims on its website that the majority of journalists are killed as a direct reprisal for reporting; 72% are murdered, while 20% are killed in crossfire. They say that altogether 341 journalists have been killed in the last decade. The war in Iraq has highlighted the risk of journalism, but it is mainly local journalists who are killed. Violence associated with war can be used to cover the tracks of murderers, which means they have impunity. The CPJ website states this is the “single greatest threat to the physical survival of the press around the world”. Although journalism may not immediately spring to mind when considering dangerous jobs, it takes people into war zones which means it is a risk. The environment and the fact journalists have information some people might not want to get out means the price of a life can be put on our news.
ith the ever-increasing feature of digital cameras and mobile phone cameras, more and more people are taking news coverage into their own hands. Dramatic events are continuously being captured by citizens, who then send their footage to newspapers, photograph agencies or broadcasting companies. Known as Citizen Journalism, this is most often a result of circumstances, where bystanders with no journalistic training happen to be in the right place at the right time, capturing an exclusive news event or a celebrity ‘scandal’. Since the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami where many of the first images and reports broadcast were from first-hand witnesses recording events with their videos and cameras, citizen journalism has become an increasingly popular and significant phenomenon. Major events such as the July 7 London bombings and most recently the Hemel Hempstead explosion have helped propel citizen journalism into the limelight as the latest media phenomenon. The July 7 bombing was the first major event where high profile media companies used so extensively the public’s contributions. Since then, there has been a definite and noticeable increase in the soliciting of amateur video footage or camera phone images, demonstrating the gradually increasing importance of the role of citizen journalism in the
media world. The Hemel Hempstead explosion on December 11 generated hundreds of pieces of footage from the public. BBC News alone received 6,500 emails of video recordings and photographs of the explosion, setting a new record for emails sent to the BBC after a major event. Yet citizen journalism is not simply the result of a sudden decision by the public to contribute to the news. It is being greatly promoted and encouraged by websites and photograph agencies, offering attractive propositions. Agencies such as Splash and websites like scoopt.com are growing, emphasizing the rise in popularity of citizen journalism. They promote the service with captions such as “snap… send… sell!” underlying just how simple it is. Scoopt.com was the first photo agency that was distinctively aimed at citizen journalists. Established by a
freelance journalist, Kyle McRae and his wife, this has become a highly successful website where if a picture is viewed valuable or news-worthy, the citizen receives 50% of the proceeds. Kyle McRae however emphasizes that the purpose of the site is to ‘support’ the mainstream media rather than ‘compete with it’ and that it has ‘no ambition to provide alternative services’. Some are sceptical of the future of the trend, as people question what will be the future consequences of citizen journalism on the media and broadcasting world. Will it prove a threat to traditional news journalism? Other arguments are concerned with the fact that often it will be the general public that are first on site witnessing the event. Without training, safety and anyone to report back to, is this really the future of news?
SNAP HAPPY: Citizen Journalists are always on the prowl
Interviews
February 13 2006
Page 13
interviews@gairrhydd.com
Katie strikes the right chord Kerry-Lynne Doyle delves into the highly harmonious world of Katie Melua and discovers where she’s going as well as the inspiration behind her musical roots
L
ife has been pretty good to Katie Melua. After being spotted at the tender age of 18 by musical maestro Mike Batt, she crashed into the charts with her debut album Call off the Search, which went six times platinum in 2003. By 2004 she had secured herself a place as one of the nation’s favourite performers when she was named the UK’s bestselling female artist of the year. Now in the middle of a headline tour of Europe, Katie is pleased to be taking her music to the stage. “I have been really looking forward to this tour,” she admits. “It’s good to be able to play some new stuff and material from the first album and of course there will be a few surprises in store too.” Taking her from Aberdeen to Reykjavik, the tour will be Katie’s biggest to date - and will see a fivepiece band backing her on guitar and vocals. “There are six of us in the band altogether and I feel so lucky to be playing with everyone,” she comments. “They are all fantastic musicians and I really am proud to be playing with them. Most of the songs will be played with the band but there will be a few with just me and the guitar. Even through we’re playing bigger venues this time, I really want to keep the show’s intimate feel.” The tour follows what has been another hugely successful year for Katie. Her second album Piece by Piece hit number one in October last year while the single Nine Million Bicycles notched up her highest ever entry in the singles chart to date and even a nomination for Record of the Year 2005. With the second album notorious as the most difficult album to make, Katie is appreciative of the response. “I feel very surprised actually. I was hoping that people would like it and respond to it well. I was musically very happy with it and I am just glad that people are happy with it too.” But with a two-year gap between her first and second album, Katie did feel the pressure to get it right.“I think of the first album as an outside school project really,” she laughs.“With the second I knew that at least a million people would hear it.”
“I think I have surpassed my expectations.”
Katie is surprised with her success to date
“But, without wanting to sound arrogant here, I felt confident about it. I did the first album at 18 when there was so much wrong with my voice and my songwriting. I think they had both moved on a lot by the time I did Piece by Piece.” Apart from being her second album, the release of Piece by Piece also marked another very special moment in Katie’s life - her 21st birthday, which she celebrated on September 16. So has she achieved all that she wanted to achieve by the age of 21?
MELUA: There are apparently not nine million bicycles in Beijing (that’s a fact). “I think I’ve way surpassed my expectations,” is her unsurprising answer. Katie’s love affair with music began at the age of 8, where it started as a hobby in Georgia, the country in which she was born. It progressed to something more serious when she enrolled in London’s BRIT performing school, the school which has nurtured the talents of acts such as Amy Winehouse and Athlete. Amazingly, it was at the school just four years ago that Melua first picked up the guitar. “I didn’t start to play the guitar until I was 17,” Katie explains. “Before then I was a bit of a geek composing awful pop, R’n’B and dance music on the computer. I literally picked up the guitar two weeks before I met Mike Batt, which was a stroke of luck really.” With influences ranging from Led Zeppelin to Joni Mitchell, working with Batt on Call off the Search gave Katie the chance to show her songwriting skills. The album gave her the
opportunity to pay homage to Eva Cassidy, one of her musical inspirations, in the song Faraway Voice. What is it about Cassidy’s music that struck a chord with her? “I love the way she interpreted songs and put so much soul into the music,” Katie reflects.
“I was a bit of a geek composing awful pop, R ‘n’B and dance music on the computer.”
Melua wasn’t always the cool cat she is now
“She was so intelligent and subtle with the melodies and I really get the impression that she respected every song that she sang.” At present, Katie’s musical influences remain eclectic. But there is one singer/songwriter who has really grabbed her attention in recent years – man of the moment Jack Johnson. “I
discovered him two years ago with his On and On album. It was the really relaxed vibe of the album that first got me hooked but then I realised how great his lyrics were.” “They talked about society and culture. One song was about 9/11 and I just thought that it was so fresh and different that I was really impressed.” And Katie is glad to see that the success of Johnson and other singer/songwriters such as herself have marked a new direction in the music industry. “It’s good to see more acoustic music and jazz, blues and soul,” she asserts. “When I came out many people called me a jazz artist but I really don’t consider myself one. I am just glad to see that people have plugged in to more emotional music as five years ago the UK charts were basically filled with pop.” With a track appearing on the soundtrack for the recent Reese Witherspoon film Just Like Heaven
and another two months of touring ahead of her, Katie admits that she loves to chill out just like any other 21-year-old, when her schedule allows her to. “I love reading books, seeing friends, watching films and going to the pub.”
“When I first came out people called me a jazz artist but I don’t consider myself one.”
Katie is open-minded about music genres
But for now her focus is firmly on the tour and making her show the best that it can be. “Hopefully people coming to the show can see a different side to me,” she says. “There will be new tracks and old tracks and a few other things and I hope that people will like my music. I just want them to sit back, listen to it and be moved.”
Taf-Od
Chwefror 13 2006
Tud 15
tafod@gairrhydd.com
GALWAD AM DDEDDF NEWYDD I’R GYMRAEG By Lois Dafydd Gohebydd Taf-Od AR NOS FAWRTH, 24 Ionawr, roedd dros 100 o bobl yn bresennol mewn cyfarfod a gynhaliwyd yng Nghanolfan y Mileniwm, Bae Caerdydd, i drafod yr angen am ddeddf iaith newydd. Yn ôl llefarydd ar ran y Cynulliad, nid ydyn nhw’n gweld yr angen am basio deddf newydd, gan fod ‘digon o ddarpariaeth gan y ddeddfwriaeth bresennol’. Pasiwyd Deddf yr Iaith Gymraeg yn 1993, ond trefnodd Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg y cyfarfod hwn gan nad ydynt yn credu ei bod yn effeithiol nac yn berthnasol ar gyfer y Gymru gyfoes. Maen nhw’n galw ar y Cynulliad Cenedlaethol i basio deddf yn sicrhau statws i’r Gymraeg a fyddai’n ehangu hawliau siaradwyr Cymraeg. ‘Mae’r cyfarfod hwn yn hollbwysig i ddatblygu’r drafodaeth ar yr angen i sicrhau hawliau i’r Gymraeg yng Nghymru,’ meddai Catrin Dafydd, aelod o Gymdeithas yr Iaith. ‘Mae
Cymdeithas yr Iaith yn ceisio sicrhau hawliau i’r Gymraeg yng Nghymru rhyw fath o ddeddf yn anorfod. Y cwestiwn nawr yw pa fath o ddeddf ddylai ddod i rym’. Dywedodd ymhellach y byddai’r cyfarfod ‘yn gyfle i'r pleidiau gwleidyddol fynegi eu barn ar y ffordd ymlaen
CYFLWYNWRAIG WRTH-GYMREIG? Gan Kathryn Harries Golygydd Taf-Od MAE’R CWIS TELEDU ‘The Weakest Link’ dan sylw Heddlu Gogledd Cymru yn dilyn cwyn bod y rhaglen yn wrth-Gymreig. Mae’r rhaglen, sy’n cael ei chyflwyno gan Anne Robinson, yn wynebu’r cyhuddiad nad yw’n ddigon teg i gystadleuwyr o Gymru. Gwnaethpwyd cwyn gan un o wylwyr y rhaglen ar ôl i un o’r cystadleuwyr, Alun Lloyd Jones o Lanfarian ger Aberystwyth, ei bleidleisio allan yn rownd gyntaf y cwis er iddo ateb pob cwestiwn yn gywir. Dafydd ap Wmffres, o Nasareth yng Ngwynedd, a wnaeth y gwyn er mwyn mynegi ei anhapusrwydd am sylwadau gwrth-Gymreig ar y rhaglen. ‘Ro’n i’n synnu gweld hiliaeth amlwg yn erbyn cystadleuwyr o Gymru,’ meddai. ‘Gofynnodd Anne Robinson i’r person cyntaf pam y pleidleisiodd dros gael gwared ag Alun o’r gystadleuaeth, a dywedodd “Oherwydd ei fod e’n Gymro.”’ Ond mae Alex McLeod, cynhyrchydd ‘The Weakest Link’, wedi bychanu’r gwyn. Dywedodd bod ymryson rhwng pobl o wledydd gwahanol yn rhan o natur y rhaglen ddifyrrwch. ‘Mae The Weakest Link yn gyfres sydd wedi’i darlledu’n ddyddiol am y rhan helaeth o’r pum mlynedd diwetha,’ meddai. ‘Mae’n adnabyd-
dus am âfod yn ddireidus yn lled ynghyd chynnig cyfle i ac arbenigwyr bryfoclyd.’ ieithyddol, cyfreithwyr sy'n arbenigo Yn ôl Mr. McLeod, ni ddylai gwylwyr na chystadleuwyr gymryd sylwadau Anne Robinson o ddifrif gan mai ‘ychydig o hwyl yw’r tynnu coes.’ Er i Mr. Jones, sydd yn 59, ddisgwyl tipyn o hiwmor wrth fynd ar y rhaglen, nid oedd yn hapus am yr elyniaeth honedig tuag at ei genedligrwydd. ‘Dy’n ni ddim eto’n cael ein gweld fel cenedl yng Nghymru,’ meddai, ‘ac mae hynny, ynghyd â’r sylw amdana i fel Cymro, yn anodd i’w lyncu.’ Teimlai Mr. Jones, sy’n gynghorydd sir Ceredigion ac yn gweithio mewn siop a swyddfa post yn Llanfarian, ei fod e’n cael ei drin fel estron gan gystadleuwyr eraill ar y rhaglen a ddarlledwyd ar Ionawr 9. ‘Petaswn i’n groenddu, neu’n Fwslimaidd neu’n hoyw, dwi ddim yn meddwl y byddai’r sylwadau wedi cael eu gwneud,’ meddai. ‘Os yw gwrth-hiliaeth yn gwarchod pobl o gymunedau eraill, fe ddylen nhw fod yn berthnasol i bobl o Gymru.’ Nid dyma’r tro cyntaf i ‘The Weakest Link’ gael ei chysylltu â hiliaeth yn erbyn y Cymry. Cafodd sylwadau cyflwynwraig y rhaglen Anne Robinson eu hymchwilio yn 2001 ar ôl iddi alw’r Cymry yn ‘annifyr a diflas’ ar y rhaglen ‘Room 101’. Mae Heddlu Gogledd Cymru yn ymchwilio i’r gwyn a gobeithir bydd y ddadl yn cael ei datrys cyn bo hir.
mewn hawliau ieithoedd lleiafrifol a ffigyrau cenedlaethol amlwg gynnig eu safbwynt.’ Roedd tri Aelod Cynulliad ymhlith y siaradwyr, sef Owen John Thomas o Blaid Cymru, Lisa Francis o’r Blaid Geidwadol ac Eleanor Burnham o’r Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol, ynghyd â’r Athro Colin Williams, sy’n arbenigwr ar gynllunio ieithyddol ac yn aelod o Fwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg, a chadeirydd cyntaf y Bwrdd, John Elfed Jones. Yn ôl John Elfed Jones, dyw Deddf Iaith 1993 ddim wedi cyflawni’r cyfan yr oedd ef a swyddogion eraill Bwrdd yr Iaith wedi ei obeithio. Ond dywe-
dodd mai cryfhau’r ddeddfwriaeth honno fyddai orau, yn hytrach na phasio un newydd, er mwyn sicrhau y gall pobl fyw eu bywydau trwy’r Gymraeg. ‘Nid pawb sydd yn sylweddoli fod y ddeddf yn dileu Deddf Uno 1536 oddi ar y llyfr statud,’ meddai, ‘gan roi dilysrwydd i’r Gymraeg yn ogystal ag i’r Saesneg.’ Dywedodd ei fod yn pryderu ynghylch penderfyniad y Cynulliad i ddiddymu Bwrdd yr Iaith yn 2007. ‘Yn ddi-os bydd ymyrraeth bleidiol yn digwydd, a dylai’r iaith fod uwchlaw ymyrraeth o’r fath.’ Ond cyn y cyfarfod, dywedodd y
gweinidog sydd â chyfrifoldeb dros y Gymraeg yn y Cynulliad, Alun Pugh, na fyddai’r penderfyniad i drosglwyddo cyfrifoldebau Bwrdd yr Iaith i’r Cynulliad yn golygu y bydd ‘lleihad o gwbl yn y mesurau i hyrwyddo’r iaith Gymraeg’, ac ychwanegodd fod gan y Cynulliad ‘weledigaeth glir a hirdymor o Gymru ddwyieithog’. Nid oedd Alun Pugh yn bresennol yn y cyfarfod yng Nghanolfan y Mileniwm, nac unrhyw gynrychiolydd arall o’r Cynulliad chwaith. Dywedodd llefarydd ar ran Llywodraeth y Cynulliad fod Alun Pugh wedi dewis peidio â’i fynychu am ei fod wedi trafod y galw am ddeddf iaith newydd gydag aelodau o Gymdeithas yr Iaith ar sawl achlysur yn y gorffennol. Er gwaethaf geiriau ac absenoldeb Alun Pugh, dywedodd cyn-gadeirydd Cymdeithas yr Iaith, Huw Lewis, fod yna ‘gonsensws yn datblygu yngl?n â’r math o egwyddorion sydd angen eu cynnwys mewn deddf iaith newydd. Mae’r rheini’n cynnwys yr angen am statws swyddogol i’r Gymraeg, sefydlu hawliau i bawb yng Nghymru i ddefnyddio’r Gymraeg, a hefyd yr angen i ystyried ymestyn y ddeddfwriaeth i sectorau newydd, gan ar yr un pryd normaleiddio’r defnydd o’r Gymraeg o fewn gwasanaethau cyhoeddus.’ Roedd Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg yn hapus iawn gyda’r cyfarfod a gynhaliwyd ar 24 Ionawr, ac yn credu ei fod yn gam pwysig yn y frwydr dros ddyfodol y Gymraeg.
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Science & Environment
February 13 2006
science@gairrhydd.com
THE ENERGY TIME-BOMB Our energy future is up for debate more than ever before. So where do we go from here? Environment investigates the options with a little help from the experts
Nuclear Power
Renewable Energy
THE BRITISH ‘Dash for Gas’ is over because of one reason alone: Russia. Last month it turned the taps off to continental Europe, accusing Ukraine of siphoning off gas for itself. Supplies were also cut to Georgia, leaving the population in temperatures of -20C; it certainly wouldn’t see anything wrong in doing the same to us in future. Whilst neither problem was onesided, it makes clear that Russia is in control of where much of Europe gets its energy from, and it will use that position as it sees fit. Gas does continue to be one option, but given the probable future volatility of getting it from Asia to here, it can’t be the principle future energy source. With no resources of our own left, it is an increasingly unavoidable fact that the only way Britain can avoid becoming a hostage to fortune is by going nuclear. Andrew Mickel, Political Editor
THE WELSH Assembly Government (WAG) wishes to improve the security of energy supplies. This involves, in part, ensuring diversity in the means of energy production, including increased use of renewables. Wales has significant potential to be at the forefront of the development of a major new offshore renewable energy industry. Its coastal zone and offshore areas present a rich asset of potentially suitable sites for harnessing marine renewable energy. Offshore wind technology is already well advanced, to the extent that the industry is poised for major and rapid deployment. It is anticipated that several new marine renewable energy technologies, such as stand-alone tidal stream turbines, constructed tidal lagoons and shore-based and offshore wave energy devices may also become deployable on a commercial scale in the future. As more development takes place within the relatively shallow waters close to shore, microgeneration (using small scale technologies) also has good prospects in Wales – where compatible with nature conservation interests. Recognising this potential, the Assembly should develop Wales as a global showcase for clean energy production. Dr. Iwan Ball, Marine and Coastal Environmental Group
POWER PLANT: Big chimney territory
Fossil Fuels IRRESPECTIVE OF the pressure imposed by NGOs we will not see any energy source overtake fossil fuels as the world’s largest in our lifetimes. The reserves are enough to last many centuries and the political pressure to continue with fossil fuels is immense. The industry is worth billions, with many more countries ready to cash in as prices rise enough to make economical sense (such as Canada which has recently discovered oil reserves). This desire to exploit the economic rewards flies in the face of the huge environmental cost of burning fossil fuels.
The need to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in the air will not end the practice. The leaders of the world’s largest consumers of fossil fuels have pledged to invest in clean coal technologies as opposed to renewable sources to tackle this problem. This includes capturing the CO2 and pumping it underground to be stored in saline aquifers or coal seams and oil fields, making extraction of gas and oil easier. With the restrictions in Kyoto met cheaply, where is the need to develop renewable energy sources? Until natural reserves of non-renewable energies are worryingly low or economically unviable to extract, the future is in fossils. Paul Hunt, Biochemist
Health
February 13 2006
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health@gairrhydd.com
A HEALTHY NEW YEAR? Health recall the top stories of 2005 and look into the future to see what effects there could be for us all in the coming 12 months
JANUARY: A young girl died in Thailand after having contracted avian flu from the chickens that her family kept. Her mother died a week later, sparking fears that the virus had been passed among humans. Until the late 1990s it had not been thought that the virus strain - H5N1 - could spread to humans. Scientists fear that if this is the case, a new ‘super-virus’ could be created as a result of avian flu combining with the human flu virus. IMPACT: In January, experts were predicting that bird flu would probably not spread in this way. However, worrying developments in Indonesia and Turkey (see September) have led them to re-assess the situation. VR DECEMBER: There are around 50,000 people living with HIV in the UK. World Aids Day 2005 aimed to highlight the fact that HIV is a global problem, and that young people in particular needed to educate themselves about HIV. December also saw an alleged case of a British man being ‘cured’ of HIV, although this was discredited. IMPACT: Although these reports offer hope to people living with HIV, experts and charities warn that the complexities of the virus may mean that a cure or vaccine is some way off. LM NOVEMBER: The Government passed a Bill which banned smoking everywhere, except in homes, outdoors, in private clubs and in certain pubs. It was an attempt to reduce smoking in public, but led to some confusion as people could still smoke in hotel rooms, prisons and care homes, as they could be considered people’s homes. All work places, including restaurants and cafes, are covered by the ban. IMPACT: Since the New Year, it has been decided that MPs will vote to decide whether to impose a total ban on smoking. LS
FEBRUARY: The illegal food dye Sudan 1 was found in certain food products in the UK. A list of the affected foods was published and the public were advised not to eat them. Food Standards Agency Chief Executive Dr Jon Bell said, ‘ There is no risk of immediate illness and the health risk generally is likely to be very small. But if you have any of these products at home it's sensible not to eat them’. Sudan I can contribute to an increased risk of cancer but the risk is extremely small. IMPACT: Sudan 1 has now been removed from all food products in the UK so it should not cause us any problems in 2006. VR
DEPRESSION: On the rise PILLS: More effective
CLONING: Still controversial in 2006
HEALTH STORIES OF 2005
W CHICK: Cute but deadly?
SMOKING: Banned?
SEPTEMBER: In response to the increasing number of deaths from avian flu in Indonesia, the UN warned that a flu pandemic could easily spread worldwide, killing anywhere from five to 150 million people. Although those killed were exposed to the virus from sick birds, experts were certain that the virus would mutate so that it could be spread from person to person. IMPACT: Bird flu is still spreading across the globe, with Turkey being the latest nation to report deaths. The British government has stockpiled drugs in order to fight the symptoms of the virus, but an actual vaccine would take up to six months to develop. If a pandemic did occur, children and young adults would be most at risk. LM
APRIL: The Mental Health Foundation found in April that exercise could be as effective as medication in treating depression, and may actually help in preventing it. However, the government maintains that although exercise should be used to treat mild depression, medication and psychological therapies should still be used to treat more severe forms . IMPACT: Depression affects one in six people at some point during their lives which means that therapy such as psychological treatments can be in short supply. LM MAY: UK scientists clone the country's first human embryo. The aim is to make cloned embryos, from which stem cells can be used to replace damaged cells. Stem cells are able to develop into virtually any tissue in the body. The embryos are created by inserting genetic material from the patient into a donated egg. The stem cells then produced match the patients perfectly. IMPACT: This controversial issue is unlikely to benefit us in 2006 as it throws up complex ethical issues that are unlikely to be solved this year.
ith every new year, it makes sense to look forward at what will be, in the case of health it is also important to look back and see what was. This week, we look at the most interesting and important stories of last year and see which new developments could affect us in the future. Contributors: Laura Murphy, Vanessa Roche, Liz Staubere, Lucy Thackray and Georgina Woolfrey.
BREAST CANCER: Research OCTOBER: October saw the 24th birthday of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which aims to raise awareness of the disease, as well as raising funds for research into cancer treatments. Breast cancer is the second biggest killer of women in the UK. IMPACT: Breast cancer continues to kill women every day in the UK, and it’s important for all women to become ‘breast aware’ and know what is normal for them. LM
MARCH: A paralysed man in America became the first person to benefit from the use of a brain chip that can read minds. He is able to control everday objects by the power of thought. The brain chip reads his mind and sends the thoughts to a computer to decipher. The chip, called BrainGate, consists of nearly 100 hair-thin electrodes implanted a millimetre deep into the motor cortex of his brain that controls movement. The signals are interpreted and translated into cursor movements, offering the user an alternative way to control devices such as a computer with thought. IMPACT: Scientists hope to further develop the technology and make it more widely available to other paralysed people. VR
SURGERY: New advances for 2006
AIDS: Still no cure
SUDAN 1: Illegal
AUGUST: A leading medical journal states that homeopathic remedies are no better than dummy treatments. Homeopathy works on the basis of treating like with like, so an allergy would be treated with a dilute solution of the allergen. This treatment has always faced scepticism from scientists, who say that the solution is so dilute, sometimes not even containing a single molecule of the agent, that it could not possibly have any effect. The claim published in the journal was made with reference to trials where homeopathic and placebo treatments were compared to conventional medicine. IMPACT: Such negative coverage of a homeopathy may see a lull in the popularity of the treatment itself and of other alternative treatments in 2006. GW
JUNE: New surgical developments in the US suggested that bypass surgery could be transformed by the discovery of a cell-growth procedure. Scientists were able to construct an artificial artery using muscle cells from elsewhere in the body. The cells are able to replicate themselves and form the alternative artery to be used in surgery. IMPACT: This could radically lessen the risks of bypass surgery.LT
JULY: A new cancer drug, Femara, was put forward for approval by pharmaceutical company Novartis. The push for the drug was due to the improvement of cancer sufferers testing it, specifically older women. There was a significant increase in their resistance against tumours, and preventing certain types of cancer returning when prescribed after invasive surgery, in some cases lowering recurrence by 43%. The drug works by reducing production of the hormone oestrogen, and many believe it should be more commonly available as a post-surgery option. IMPACT: Femara should be approved for use in Britain this year and is hoped to have a positive effect on recovery rates for female cancer sufferers in the next few years. LT
February 13 2006
Free Stuff
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competitions@gairrhydd.com
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
Get Dirty Love this Valentine’s HERE’S A treat for you all you romantics. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, new flick Dirty Love (15) is bound to get your hearts racing - probably because it features hot chicks getting all het up and feisty. Starring and written by comedienne and actress Jenny McCarthy (Scary Movie 3, Scream 3), Dirty Love doesn’t lack sex appeal or humour. When Rebecca (McCarthy), a fashion photographer with a perfect life, comes home to find her buff-bodied boyfriend in bed with another woman, she turns to the support of her girls, Michelle (Carmen Electra), and Carrie. And yes, boys, these aren’t your average girl-next-door ladies who work in libraries and coffee shops. Just so the wardrobe lady can have them busting hipster jeans and lots of cleavage tops for you guys, Michelle is cast as a hip-hop waxing beautician, and Carrie, a sexy, ditzy actress. What’s more, Rebecca discovers that sometimes a girl has to get down and dirty before she can find true love. But Dirty Love is more than screen time for women with enviable bodies, girls. On the rebound, Rebecca embarks on a wild girlie adventure with crazy schemes that they never quite manage to pull off! Witness the sexiest women dating a series of male losers and learning their very own lessons in love. And if that’s not enough, check out John (Eddie Kaye Thomas, most famous for playing Finch in the American Pie series), a thoroughly nice (and fit) guy with a secret crush on Rebecca. Now that’s a knight in shining armour... Dirty Love is available to rent and own on DVD from February 6 for £15.99... or free if you enter our competition. We have three copies to give away to you lucky lot. Simply answer the following question: Which character did Carmen Electra play in Baywatch? Answers to the usual address at the top of the page. Best of luck - and Happy Valentine’s!
WIN A PAIR OF TICKETS! AND NO, we don’t mean that first look in the mirror the morning after the night before. It’s The Circus of Horrors and it’s making a terrifying trip back to Cardiff’s New Theatre from February 21. This new show is packed with new shocks and new blood to add to the usual established freaks. It’s a blissful burlesque barrage of the bizarre that makes the unbelievable believable. Expect lots of daredevil and downright dangerous circus acts from around the world, all performed with a forked tongue firmly in each cheek. Join the sweet-natured innocent Ragen as she awakes to find herself in her latest nightmare, deep inside the Vampire Vaudeville commonly known as the Circus of Horrors. Come face to face with sensational circus acts including death defying trapeze artists, witchdoctors, voodoo acrobats and vampires flying through the air suspended only by their hair. The Circus is controlled by The Undead Ringmaster, Doktor Haze, guiding you through this hellish tale with live devil-driven rock ‘n’ roll by his band, The X Factor. Experience an uncontrollable cast of burlesque beauties, chaos-mongers and some of the world’s greatest, grotesque, most daring and bizarre circus acts, all woven into this gory Alice in Horrorland style story. It’s bigger and badder than ever and a bloody must for everyone. The show‘s only at the theatre for a mere three days - so make sure you get down there in time. And if that doesn’t set the panic in you, how about if we give you an exclusive 2 for 1 offer? Buy a ticket for your mate/lover/grandmother and you’ll get in free on 5.30pm performances on Wednesday February 22 and 23. For further information and to book your tickets, call the New Theatre box office on 029 20878 889, quoting our 2 for 1 offer.
BASS INVADERS returns to Cardiff this Saturday February 18 as they present their Night Life 3 Tour, playing their fifth live set to date. Headlining is Andy C playing along side the likes of Friction and New York hip-hop legend and De La Soul producer Prince Paul. Hosted by MC GQ and MC SP, all the action kicks off at 9pm in the Great Hall within our fabulous union as part of a great spring line-up of gigs. These gigs are always a cracking night out, and Bass Invaders is one not to be missed. Tickets are a snip at only £12.50 in advance and can be purchased from the gigs section of www.cardiffstudents.com or from the union box office. If you’d like to be on the guest list and get your mitts on a pair of freebie tickets, simply answer the following question correctly and get emailing: Which artist does Prince Paul produce?
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
Politics
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Blogging from the
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edge of the world
For us, blogging is just an interesting diversion; in other countries it is the last word in free speech. Threatened bloggers talk to Politics
B
logging has become one of the buzzwords of the past two years. From the downfall of American news presenters, to a cheap and easy way for newspapers to bulk out their online content, everyone has been at it. But there is an overwhelming sense with even the best blogs, they are at best a niche addition to the mainstream media. This week, Politics writers have talked to bloggers from around the world, where what they do really does make a difference. In some countries, blogging marks the last stand
of freedom of speech, letting the outside world know what is really going on in a country under autocratic rule. Not that the role of the blogger is an easy one to assume. The people contacted in the making of these pages have been subject to threats, one by his own government. Indeed, one Chinese blogger we tried to contact has since gone missing. It’s a difficult job to do, but they can only hope to make a change for the better if governments and people from outside the affected countries learn from them and try to make a change for the better.
Read more about bloggers under threat at: committeetoprotectbloggers.civiblog.org
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT By Andrew Rennison Political Correspondent
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fghanistan, centre of the world’s attention four years ago, remains an impoverished and volatile nation with an uncertain future. Though internet access is scarce, young Afghans are beginning to raise their voices through blogging. Sohrab Kabuli, a young man from Kabul, is one such pioneer, writing in the English version of his blog, ‘Afghan Lord’. In it he writes about life in Kabul and events abroad, with the intention of illuminating both himself and others. With Afghanistan having been overlooked for years following the invasion of Iraq, Politics contacted Sohrab to learn more about his nation and his views. I began by asking Sohrab about his views on ‘fundamentalists’, an issue touched upon in his blog.
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as an equal part of a country, not as small, scattered groups.” I asked whether he thought Iraq had been intended to divert attention away from Afghanistan, as that had certainly been the result in recent years. “I don’t think the Iraq war was started to divert attention from Afghanistan. After the war in Iraq, Afghanistan lost its priority in the world community. This was like losing a chance for Afghanistan. For example, aid for Afghanistan was wasted and stolen by a group of NGOs. I don’t see a significant change compared to three years ago.” That Sohrab had recently visited Tehran was particularly interesting. He commented on his impression of Iran;
KARZAI: Still holding close ties with America, four years on ‘I don’t know what you understand by fundamentalism. Who are fundamentalists? We can’t say an opposition party that opposes the Karzai government is fundamentalist, or the Democrats in US who oppose the Republicans. The same goes for Conservatives and Liberals in Britain. “Let me clarify that fundamentalists are not Al Zarqawi or Osama Bin Laden, fundamentalists are not Taliban – those people are terrorists, they are against humanity. We should have a better definition for terrorists. We should not believe that fundamentalism is only an Islamic issue; it involves others too. “I agree that fundamentalists have some reason for being violent. The reason I think is that fundamentalists believe that America should accept them
“The new generation in Iran have a modern view of the world. In Tehran, most of the people were expressing their disgust and tiredness with the regime, and were ashamed of recent expressions by the President about removing Israel from the map.” Returning to domestic issues, I asked Sohrab about living standards in Kabul. ‘‘‘Living Standards’ has no meaning for people in Kabul. In the capital city of Afghanistan, citizens can use electricity for only five of every 48 hours, and water for only four. “Of course, international workers and Afghan authorities enjoy almost all the facilities possible. They go to restaurants for dinner, they have modern cars, and they have internet access, while other people dream of having
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electricity.’ I had noticed recent frustration in Sohrab’s blog over political progress. Did he think the situation was getting better or worse? ‘I believe it’s getting worse. I sense a great danger for Afghanistan if Americans and the Afghan government don’t change their attitude towards the people.’ I was curious to know of Sohrab’s opinion of major news networks, as we in the West hear so little now from Afghanistan. “I think the media coverage of Afghanistan is very weak and insufficient. It seems they are only reporting about Karzai and Taliban. Taliban are not the only residents of my country; lots of hard working and open minded young people are working for progress. “The media pictures are clichés: Afghan women aren’t simply burkas; they participate in business and politics. People in the world need to know about Afghanistan’s real face. I am saddened that foreign news networks are only reporting a bad face of Afghanistan.” Finally, what had he learnt and achieved through his blogging, and what did he hope for Afghanistan’s future? “I learnt what is going on in the region and my country. I encouraged my friends to blog. I learnt how to voice the problems of those people who dream of a piece of bread. “I just hope that life gets better. I hope the voice of educated Afghan youth counts in the government. I hope freedom of expression will be taken more seriously. I hope Americans have learned more about Afghanistan and will change their strategy for better development. I am happy that the US helped my country. “Like other young Afghans I pray for peace and security in my country.” Read The Afghan Lord at: afghanlord.blogspot.com
THE LONG, SLOW SLIDE FROM DEMOCRACY By Andrew Mickel Political Editor
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atin American politics is currently undergoing a remarkable shift to the left. Thumbing a nose at the Bush administration, Bolivia’s new indigenous President has threatened US involvement in the area, whilst Haiti and Ecuador are both likely to shift left in this year’s elections. But it is President Chavez of Venezuela who leads the anti-American pack. Having won power in 1998, he has quickly set about turning his country into a Castro-style society. In his short time as leader he’s already been subject to a failed coup, protests, strikes and a referendum on his leadership. His rule has been accompanied by opposition muzzling, election-rigging and destroying anyone who doesn’t agree with his plans for the country. Following Venezuelan news is to follow a country’s long, slow slide into autocracy. Blogging allows us to see how the changes are really happening to people on the ground. The media has not just been systematically removed, but replaced instead by Chavez’s own
pet channel, TeleSUR. So in the absence of real media, blogs like Miguel Octavio’s have become even more valuable. “Remarkably, we have at times covered issues that the local media has failed to cover out of fear for their future”, Miguel tells gair rhydd in a question and answer session, “since under the new media law, their licenses can be withdrawn for creating ‘panic’ in the population.”
“I’m a little skeptical that ‘actions’ from abroad would prove useful” Chavez recently attracted widespread international condemnation when he chose to imprison Carlos Ortega, the leader of the unions and the man that managed to beat Chavez’s candidate for the position. It was not an achievement that has gone unnoticed by the President. “In what other country can a union leader be jailed and charged with a crime like civil rebellion that is nowhere in the legal code of the country?”
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Still, Miguel tells us that the channel is regarded as a joke on the ground as much as it is outside the country. “I don't think Telesur is being watched by many Venezuelans. Even the Government's TV channel VTV has less than 3% audience nationally. It is too political and radical in its posture.” So it is clear that Chavez cannot hoodwink the Venezuelan people out of their freedom. But that doesn’t mean that he won’t try to gain control by other means. And because of that, Miguel’s blogging is under threat. Because it has become established (and is even now hosted on American site Salon.com), he can’t remove his identity from the project like others can. “I have received private threats and there was once a public call to investigate our funding (which we do not have), but that has been the extent of it.” But that doesn’t mean that Miguel is giving up on his work. “I see it as a tool for wider awareness than action. The
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type of human rights violations, violations of the law and the Constitution and the like, that have taken place have not generated much action. I am a little skeptical that we may get ‘actions’ from abroad that would be useful.” So for now, Chavez is going to have to put up with the Devil’s Excrement letting people know what he is doing. “We just need more awareness of these abuses so that Chavez does not get away with the world thinking he is a democrat.” Read The Devil’s Excrement: blogs.salon.com/0001330/
MAJESTIC BLOODSHED AND MEDIA BLACKOUT
By Claire King Political Correspondent n February 2005, the Nepalese King Gyanendra sacked the government and took direct power. He appointed a new government, which mainly consisted of promonarchist politicians. The king saw fit to suspend media freedom; publications which were previously outspoken are now forced to operate under strict guidelines. Currently these publications only cover bland topics or even choose to leave editorial pages blank. Supposedly, Nepal became a democratic country in 1991, as the result of popular protests. This has been compromised by frequent changes of government. It is not the first time that the King has assumed executive power. He did the same thing in 2002. He has justified his actions as he claims that the former government had failed to hold elections and restore peace in Nepal. King Gyanendra came to the throne
ANTI-US: Chavez with Fidel Castro INSET: Chavez’s pet channel TeleSUR
But the crimes against Ortega are not the exception. The Electoral Commission (CNE) has become well known for acting as Chavez’s henchmen in eroding the country’s democracy. “Polls say that over 70% of all Venezuelans do not trust [head of the CNE] Jorge Rodriguez and the CNE and his partisan role played a very important role in the high level of abstention in the recent Parliamentary elections. “His role is very well known and he is seen as being too pro-Chavez by even those that support Chavez.” Ultimately, Chavez has proven himself to be a devastatingly self-interested leader who, despite many populist social policies, is recognized as being a risk, even by people on the ground. Television broadcasts have often been interrupted in evenings for the President to launch lengthy tirades against the US. Chavez’s attempt to set up a news channel for South America was somewhat undermined as a serious project when TeleSUR launched with a picture of the American flag with a swastika imposed over it. It was always intended to be an anti-hegemonic project, but the US has since started trying to broadcast its own radio into the country to balance out the channel.
in June 2001, after the then Crown Prince drunkenly gunned down his parents and several other royals before killing himself. He claims that he remains committed to democracy and a multi-party government. Internet blogger Umesh Shrestha disputes this. In a media blackout, there are few ways that the general public can access true facts about actual events in Nepal. Umesh remains committed to relaying the truth to the Nepali people on his Nepalese website. In a mission to do this, Umesh has been subject to violence from the Nepalese authorities. The Committee to Protect Bloggers, an organisation which supports people like Umesh, encourages him in his work. On their website, Umresh relays some of the atrocities he has been witness to. He talks of the events of December
14 2005, when the Nepalese army fired indiscriminately and recklessly killed 12 civilians. Two days later, at a protest against this, ‘Mandales’, supporters of the King, attacked protesters and severely beat them. Umesh was at the scene trying to capture these horrific events. When the Mandales realised what he was doing, he was beaten and his camera was badly damaged. Not only this, but Umesh has received several threats through the post. In his quest to relate the truth to the Nepalese people he is constantly under threat. Comments posted on the Committee to Protect Bloggers website reveal that
King Gyanendra
his work is not unappreciated. The Nepalese diaspora worldwide, who tend to reside in Europe, Asia and America, are reliant on the work of bloggers such as Umresh to stay up-todate with political events in their home country. Umesh is concerned that the international media are not doing enough to support his cause. This means that unless the diaspora check websites like his, they have no access to the harsh reality of the situation. Although Nepal’s national media are powerless to print anything which is anti-King Gyanendra, bloggers still have the freedom to do this. In a gair rhydd question and answer session, he confessed that “we the bloggers can do that, and [we] even launched a Google bombing project against this autocratic king.” When asked what he would like to see the wider world doing to help the Nepalese situation, he said he wants to see increased pressure exerted on the king to return sovereignty to the people. The Nepalese people have been active in their struggle, organising protest rallies which have drawn the support of tens of thousands of people. Now, they are not even allowed the right to peaceful protest. “Today, the police arrested poets
who are simply reciting poems against autocratic rule. They manhandled journalists and human right activists also. The international media should create awareness so that their governments can pressurise our king.” Although blogs have become popular in Nepal since King Gyanendra took direct control, Umesh thinks that many people are still unaware of the work that he does. He comments that their readership is growing slowly, as more people become aware that blogs are the only way to access uncensored journalism in Nepal. Despite the severity of the situation facing Umesh he remains optimistic. He is concerned that, in the future, the internet may become censored to a greater extent, but he maintains a positive outlook, stating: “The future is always bright.” His people have little opportunity to protest against their situation, but he is encouraging: “We have to go on for peaceful agitation.” Umesh’s message is clear. If international awareness of the situation in Nepal increases then there is hope. Without this, it is possible that Nepal’s future may not be quite so bright.
PROTEST: Marching against the King on the streets of Kathmandu
Read Umesh’s blog at: www.umeshshrestha.co.np
Valentine’s Day
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y a D s ’ e n i t n e l a V h g SA gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com
Pullout
By Kate Monaghan Health and Welfare Officer
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icture the scene, you’re all dressed up ready for a night out on the town. You are ready for a great night, a few drinks, and hopefully a little bit of lovin’! But, if you can’t be good, be safe.
REMEMBER YOUR SEXUAL HEALTH
What’s that I hear you say? You can’t be arsed to worry about things like that when you are on the lash, unless, by remember, you mean I’m gonna get some! Well, you should worry, or at least bear it in mind. A night out can leave you with a lot more than a headache if you are not sexually careful and sexually aware. Follow my three point plan, for an easy remedy to all your ‘night-out’ sex-related ills:
1. NEVER have unprotected sex with a total stranger…But if you are in the mood, condoms are available from any family planning clinic or from your GP, as well as the SHAG office on the third floor of the Students’ Union. And for goodness sake, learn how to use ‘em. 2. It is wise to carry condoms rather than getting them from a machine in your local pub… we don’t want any dodgy gear, like. 3. If you can’t be arsed with this, then you better pull you finger out, and learn about how infections are spread, what symptoms to look for, and where to go for help if you are worried… coz the chances are, if you are being a fool, and not covering you tool, you are gonna need to know! But we all know that accidents can happen, especially if you have been on the beers. So, in an emergency your GP or family planning clinic can offer females the morning after pill. This MUST be taken within 72 hours in order to be effective.
REMEMBER TO DRINK SAFE
With crimes like date rape on the increase, we must all be more aware on a night out, even when we feel safe in the Union. GHB, Ketamine, liquid ecstasy, valium, temazepan and the most commonly used drug rohypnol are practically odourless and tasteless. This makes it even easier for victims to be drugged without realising. The effects of these drugs include impaired memory and judgement, drowsiness, dizziness and confusion…sound familiar? Victims become intoxicated and eventually lose consciousness making them vulnerable to attack… Scary isn’t it. If you begin to feel very drunk after only a few drinks, and you can normally handle your booze, seek help from a trusted friend or a responsible member of the club or pub management. Be sure that you have absolute trust in the person you seek help from, no matter how long you have known them. To protect yourself, and your friends, follow my advice.
1. Don’t leave drinks unattended, even if you wanna shake your ass on the dance floor, or go to the toilet, take your drink with you. 2. Never accept a drink from anyone you do not completely trust, even if you do fancy them. 3. Drugs can be put in soft drinks too, just because you are not drinking alcohol does not mean you are not a risk. 4. Drink from a bottle where possible. It’s harder to drop a drug in to a bottle than it is into a glass.
REMEMBER (to avoid) SEXUAL ASSAULT A sexual assault is any physical sexual activity upon a male or female without consent. If in danger shout ‘fire’ rather than ‘help’. It can get more results. Hopefully you will never need this advice, but to protect yourself bear these points in mind… 1. Stay aware of what is going on around you and stay away from situations you do not feel comfortable with. 2. Consider very carefully whether or not you should leave the pub, club or party with someone you have just met. 3. If at any point you do not feel safe with someone you have just met then seek help as soon as possible. 4. It’s a good idea to carry a personal attack alarm. Personal attack alarms are available at discounted prices from the Students Union shop. 5. Remember NO MEANS NO and it is NEVER too late to say NO!
Fancy getting yourself the latest version of the award winning (probably) Rampant Rabbit; the 'Thruster'? Up here in GR towers we have nabbed ourselves a crafty Rabbit from the good people at Ann Summers. This version of the critically acclaimed sex toy is equipped with a unique thrusting action which is, “guaranteed to blow your mind”
So lads, if you’re short of valentines gifts for your girl, or ladies if you fancy staying in on the big night and getting an early night, we have the solutions for you. So in order to make your Valentines day go off with all the appropriate 'action' just answer the following question: What does this model of Rabbit do that its predecessors didn't? A - Hops B - Thrusts C - Eats carrots
Answers to competitions@gairrhydd.com
L
imber up and take a bash at our quick fire STI quiz... but remember speed isn’t everything!
1. How many STIs are there? a) 3 b) 10 c) 25 2. Can you name the most common STIs in Wales? 3. What percentage of men have chlamydia without showing symptoms? a) 20% b) 50% c) 70% 4. How many people have had an STI? a) 1/9 b) 1/19 c) 1/90 5. How often will an STI be diagnosed in the UK? a) every minute b) every 15 minutes c) every hour 6. What is the best method of preventing the spread of STIs? a) abstinence b) wearing a condom c) dental dam d) engaging in lower risk sexual activity (...get down from those chandeliers!) 7. How will I find out if I have an STI? a) wait for symptoms b) wait for my partner to get checked out c) visit my GP or GUM clinic 8. Where can you get condoms from? a) pharmacies b) your GP c) the SHAG office 9. All STIs are curable. True/False 10. Once you have been treated for an STI, you cannot be infected again. True/False 11. Most STIs will go away if you wait long enough. True/False 12. We are all doomed and may as well walk around in a latex body suit preaching about celibacy. True/ False
Answers:
Sexual Health Quiz
1. c) 2. Chlamydia, gonorrhoea, genital warts and genital herpes. 3. b) and up to 70% of women have no symptoms 4. a) and it is on the increase so...be warned! 5. a) 6. All are possibilities, some more preferable than others! It’s up to you! 7. c) Don’t hesitate, if you have had unprotected sex then act immediately. Take responsibility for your own sexual health status; don’t wait for your partner to disclose theirs. 8. All three. But if you want to save your pennies, then the SHAG office* provides condoms.....FREE of charge! 9. False. Most STIs are curable, but 4 are incurable (herpes; genital warts; hepatitis b and c) although the symptoms can be successfully alleviated through treatment. 10. False 11. False, many will get worse and may result in permanent damage. Don’t wait if you think you could be at risk of an STI. Get yourself checked out. 12. False! Safe sex DOESN’T mean no sex! Enjoy yourself and remember “You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.”
CONTACTS P.C. Bob Keohane Student Liaison Officer
Tel: Mob: Email:
Cardiff Police Switchboard: Advice for students: Family Planning Association Helpline: Cardiff Bus (L8 Bus):
029 20 571539 07976 831365 Robert.keohane@southwales.pnn.police.uk 029 20222111 www.good2bsecure.gov.uk 0845 3101334 02920 666444
Useful Sexual Health Contacts Cardiff GUM Clinic Cardiff Royal Infirmary, Newport Road 029 20 335207/8 (appointments) Walk-in Clinic Mon, Tues, Thurs & Fri – Doors open 8.40am (arrive early) Appointments Mon, Tues & Thurs 1.30pm – 3.30pm For confidential advice from an adviser 029 20 472244
Student Health Centre Next door to the Students’ Union at 47 park place Opening hours 9.00am – 4.30pm. Monday – Friday The Student Health Centre also has a family planning clinic running on Wednesdays 5.30pm – 7.30pm Telephone 02920 874810
SHAG (Sexual Health Awareness Group) Providing free male and female condoms, dental dams and lubricants. They also offer a wide range of information leaflets about contraception and sexual transmitted diseases. The office is open from 9.00pm – 5.00pm Monday to Friday. All members have received training, and are on hand to help. Whether in person, or on other end of the phone. 02920 781485
NHS Direct Tel: 08457 4647 Free helpline offering information on all health issues.
The definitive A-Z of sex! A B C D E F G H I J K L M N
Anal: Like marmite, you either love it or hate it Blindfold: Sometimes it’s better if you can’t see! Clitoral stimulation: There’s a thin line between love and hate, and that line is a finger Dressing up: Whatever floats your boat Ejaculation: Careful where you aim
O P Q R S
One night stand: Sorry, your name was…..
T U V W X Y Z
Tent-sex: Somewhat overrated, especially if you are sharing a tent, but a summer festival classic.
Faking it: It’s not big, and its not clever, but it can save a lot of time and energy! Golden shower: Cover your partner in wee, and hope they like it?! Household items: Be careful what you choose, especially if you share a house! Inflatables: Surely no one is that desperate? Juices: Ann Summers sell plastic sheets?! It’s that or the wet patch! KY Jelly: oooohhh…slippy! Licking: Even better if you’r licking off chocolate, cream, angel delight…whatever you fancy! Masturbation: We all do it, so enjoy yourself! Nipples: Hard, soft, rough, gentle, biting, licking…It’s all good!
Photo messaging: Naughty pictures: dangerous if they fall into the wrong hands! Quickies: Fun! Rimming: ‘Please mind the gap’ Spiked: Look out for your friend. Drink spiking is an increasingly large problem in Cardiff. If you think your drink has been spiked go to the Police station straight away, or take a urine sample. The drugs can wear off within 12 hours.
Underwear: Keep it clean people Vibrator: Amazing fun, and not just for girls! Wake-up sex: Whether it’s in the middle of the night, of first thing in the morning…Its good! X-rated: Porn can be fun for all the family, though it’s probably not a good idea to watch it with your Gran. Yelling: …Screaming, grunting, panting… Give your passion a voice! Zzzz: …Ah, sex is tiring.
Problem Page
Page 26
February 13 2006
problempage@gairrhydd.com
Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE
This week: Deal or No Deal, dicks, dieting and destructive darlings. Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners! I hope you all had a lovely time in the family holes that you were born in, with the relatives you pretend not to despise. Oh, I can imagine all the arguments and strife that went on when you went home for the holidays. It always happens, right? But what gets me is that none of you ungrateful cunts wanted my advice! I bet you had problems coming out of your ears, not to mention other parts of your anatomy. And yet you all gave me the cold shoulder! Luckily, I don’t hold grudges (that’s how I got syphilis the first time), so if you need some friendly adivce about anything, drop me a line. Email: problempage@gairrhydd.com. I really do hope to hear from you soon. Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx
P ar k P enis! Dear Amber, I AM WRITING TO YOU as I think I have a problem, apparently with my lady bits. I have been meaning to write to you for some time but I didn’t understand how to use emails so I couldn’t. Anyway, I got one of those help sheets from the library and now I can email
like a pro, so I thought I’d send you my problem. A week or so ago me and my housemates got back from the Christmas holidays. I had a really lovely time at the family’s seat and got a Disney Snow White porcelain doll for my big present from Santa. Anyway, when we got back me and my housemates (who are all girls) decided that we were fat after too much turkey! How funny! So we all decided to go to the gym on Park Place. Anyway, we went in and paid and
because it wasn’t very busy we could go straight through and put our stuff in the lockers and went in and I went on the exercise bike and I got very sweaty and tired and after ten minutes decided to go and have a shower. I told the other girls where I was going and they said OK. So I went back to the changing room, but when I opened the door I saw a naked man facing straight towards me and I couldn’t help it but I looked down and saw his - well willy! I was a bit scared but then I felt
Channel Phw oar!
Girl-fiend!
Dear Amber,
Dear Amber,
I TRUST I’M not the only one with this particular problem but I hope you can help. You see, Amber, I’m a big fan of late-afternoon Channel 4 TV. Obviously I like Richard & Judy and Countdown, and the news that the delectable Paul O’Grady is hopping over to C4 is manna from heaven to my ears, but it’s something else that makes me close the curtains and get hot under the collar – Deal or No Deal. Yes, Mr Edmunds’ telly addictive tour de force is costing me time, friends and money (on the premium rate lines that give you the chance to play at the end – alas, I’ve never got on) and I don’t know how to stop. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was just addicted to watching the programme. But I keep finding myself in day-today situations where I keep using Deal or No Deal logic. For example I was at Cardiff Central station the other day about to buy a ticket back home to Exeter when I had a change of heart and asked if I could swap my ticket for a ticket from the other booth in case I’d picked the wrong one. I ended up in St. Albans sleeping on a bench. I won’t even go into what happened when I met my boyfriend at the funeral parlour… Amber. Please can you help me? Box 11! 10p? Argh! Delia Ornordelia Talybont North.
AMBER SAYS: Dear Delia, You know, whatever gets you off is fine by me. Even funeral parlours. And I know plenty of people who are into grave-robbing. Like, only last week my new beau used a severed hand from the Heath graveyard to tickle my fancy. Noel Edmunds obsessions are nothing in the light of this - deal? I hope that this advice helps you. Lots of love, Amber xxx
HELLO, HOW ARE YOU? I’d just like to say before I start how much I enjoy reading your page every week, though it’s perfectly obvious that all your problems are made up. So I decided to write to you in the hope that if you publish this it will prove that you don’t make up the problems yourself. My problem is quite simple actually, but I feel as if there’s very little I can do about it. Basically, I really enjoy being in Cardiff; I have great mates, have a good house and enough
Flabby Excuse! Dear Amber,
EDMUNDS: Mullet
WELL, I SUSPECT you’ve heard this one before, but I really need to get this off my chest. I feel like committing suicide, Amber, about something dreadful that happened over the Christmas holidays. I’m sure you were aware of it too, Amber. It’s Charlie Brooks. I’m sure you know who I mean. She used to play Janine in Eastenders. Anyway, I’ve always had a crush on her, and when she was doing those prostitute scenes in ‘Enders I would cum on the sofa, pretty much. When she left the soap to get married to that older man, I was
quite excited but then he said, Er, you do know this is the men’s changing room, right? And I was a bit like, Oh dear, I didn’t realise, because I didn’t, but even as I was saying it I had a funny feeling ‘down below’. I don’t really understand what is happening to me, Amber. Ever since I saw that willy I have had weird instincts to go and touch myself where my mummy and daddy always said was forbidden. Please help me, Amber. I feel out of control.
Yours, Mary, Fanny Street. AMBER SAYS: Dear Mary, I really hate the euphemism ‘down below’. Try ‘fanny’, and have a fiddle with it, for pity’s sake. I hope that this helps. Love, Amber xxx
beer money from my student loan to keep me going out most nights. The problem is my girlfriend. I know what you’re thinking, Amber; it’s always the same with you. You’re thinking that she doesn’t fulfil my sexual needs, etc. etc. Well, in fact, that’s not the case. She’s a good shag! The problem is that she’s doing the same course as me. I noticed her straight away because she looks like Jill from Nighty Night but had really big boobs and a nice bum. So we got chatting and now I’ve been seeing her for a year. But she gets really competitive with me about work, always trying to outdo me in essays and be in the library longer than me (not hard). It’s got to a point now where I’ve had to hide my work from her, because just before Christmas she stole one of my essays
and deleted it from my computer because it was evidently better than hers and she couldn’t take it. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed off, but she said she was just helping me out because the original version was so crap. What can I do, Amber? She’s being a real minge about this. Prove to me that you do listen to real problems! Love, Terry, Roath.
devastated, but she was always in gossip magazines and that so I always had a nice new picture of her to wank over. Anyway, then she gave birth to that sprog and I was a bit sad ‘cos she looked so hot when she was up the duff, there was just so much of Janine/Charlie to love. I don’t like fat girls, or pregnant women, or anything like that, but there was something about her big bum and dirty hair that got me on a solo trip to semensville. But I suppose you have seen that exercise video she’s brought out. She is so thin it makes me sick to look at her. I loved the way that when she wore a tight top you could see her back fat, and I loved her round face. Now she just looks like any old slapper, and it’s making sex very difficult for me. I used to make my girlfriend wear a ‘Charlie mask’ I’d cut out of a magazine, but now there’s hardly any point
given what she looks like. When I have sex now with my girlfriend I never cum, because all I can see in my mind’s eye is the cover of that exercise video. Please help me, Frank in Barry.
AMBER SAYS: Dear Terry, Oh no! I hope this helps. Love from, Amber xxx
AMBER SAYS: Dear Frank, I know what you mean. I have strange hankerings after Shaun Williamson and Mike Reid. But there you are. I suggest joining her fan club. Hey, it worked for Agnetha from ABBA’s stalker. Hope this helps, Lots of love, Amber xxx
Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com
Award-Winning Television
February 13 2006
Page 27
tv@gairrhydd.com
This week’s Finders amonst the TV Losers : Feb 13th - 19th 2006
Jeepers Keepers!
ITV1 Get Raid-y To Rumble, As ‘Jazzy’ Jeff Sets The House A-Braze
HOT
Sun Kil Moon’s album of a c o u s t i c Modest Mouse Covers Let’s be honest, it’s got indie-wank-fest written all over it, and yeah, it pretty much sounds that way as well. It is, however, completely brilliant, and well worth thirty minutes of anyones time, nerd or otherwise.
Soaps Hooray! Eastenders has gone for too long without a doctor, in my opinion. Not because a doctor makes a good character because, as anyone knows, they don’t. But because everyone who’s caught the flu or had the snuffles has been whisked straight to hospital, which is unrealistic in itself, not least because they’ve actually got to see a consultant in the space of one episode. But fear not, people of Walford, because “handsome” Dr Oliver Cousins is here to save the day. So far the only optimistic thing I have to say is that he’s got one heck of a gigantic hooter, so we’ll be able to see his nose three minutes before he walks into a scene, so there’s a drinking game if ever I heard one. Elsewhere, Jim’s grandson’s a date rapist, allegedly. What grandson???
J
ust when you thought your world was going to implode in on itself amidst all the disease, debt and the fact that, well, the new series of Desperate Housewives is utter rubbish, a saviour arrives. ITV1, not usually the first on the scene to paint away the terrestrial black clouds with a silver lining of quizzical kiddy-fodder, but this time, they’ve come up trumps. Finders Keepers (ITV Friday, 4pm) is returning, with Jeff “isn’t he that guy who knobbed Jade from Big Brother?” Brazier. So far so good. Anyone who isn’t a decrepit studentarian slime, and therefore unfamiliar with the concept of Finders Keepers, here’s a synopsis: Remember that game when you’re six, and your sister hides something tiny like a thimble, a Roland Rat toy or the audience for a Tom Cruise Scientology seminar, and your job was essentially trash her bedroom to an unrecognisable state, whilst she said “hot” or “cold” depending on which area of the room you were currently desecrating. Finders Keepers was this, only televised, with rooms full of soft toys, foam, spinning picture frames and Neil Buchanan barking out clues like “You use it to mix your pudding, wack!” in the vain hope it will help the idiot
Fudge Tunnel 13/14
contestants locate a wooden spoon which was invariably in the bottom of a large chest, no matter what room they were currently “raiding”. It looked like the greatest party in town, and quite frankly, it was. My personal addition, was the room on the top right of the house, The “Fantasy Room”. Now I’ve reached adulthood, the sniggersome name has taken a new meaning, and whether they’ll keep
the name for the new series is as yet unknown (Jeff Brazier’s fantasy room, must surely involve naked effigy’s of his on/off lady friend, and video footage of himself swaggering about on The Farm with a big fat erection) but each week, the fantasy room takes on a different persona: “The Egyptian Room”, “The Spooky Room” or, if my memory serves me correctly, “Bing Crosby Spunking into a Jamjar Room”. Here’s hoping. It’ll be interesting to follow hardened nicotine-addict Jeff as he wheezes his way after the kiddies, coughing up a lung or two in the process. TV Grace here: May I add, the “Fantasy Room” that TV John speaks of is now known as the “Mystery Room”. Last time I watched it, this room was a laboratory, and the children had to frantically search for a cure for Jeff’s incoming lung cancer. So what else is on this week? The Annual festivities of tawdry tat and industry-bod backslapping that is The Brit Awards (Tuesday, ITV1 8pm) Let’s see if the Arcade Fire pick up any of the three awards they’re guaranteed. Let’s guess - no. We can also see if James “I make a fart in the bath sound like a good auditory experience” Blunt triumphs. Let’s have another guess - yes! But all’s equal in love and acoustica, so let’s have a party. xxxxxx
(LAST WEEK’S) DVDS TO RENT/BUY Keira Knightley has been given the kiss of death for actresses - the Oscar nod, for her portrayal of Elizabeth Bennett in the completely pointless and lets be honest here crap, telling of Jane Austin’s Pride and Prejudice (out February 6th). Just in time for Valentines Day, for all you guys who can’t think of anything to buy their girlfriends. For everyone else, you can revel in Tim Burton’s second best stopmotion animation of an angst-ridden nature, the Corpse Bride. Which might not sound much, but it’s still better than a tenth rate literary adaptation, and the other new releases, Elizabethtown, which Uncut magazine rightly described as a soundtrack in search of a film, and Kinky Boots, which is a groundbreaking look at fetishwear. No, not really! It’s a British comedy about a group of
loveable working class scamps who find a way of living that’s out of the ordinary, and try to pursue it - with hilarious results. So not like The Full Monty or Billy Elliot or Calendar Girls at all, then. But on the plus side, it doesn’t feature Judi Dench, so it’s not all sour faces and trout-faced humour.
NOT
Fifty Cent Arthur Dollar himself has been s w i t c h i n g between “hot” and “not” more than anybody else since TV Desk started. But having seen his hideous excuse for a biopic Get Rich or Die Tryin’ he’s pretty much cememted his place on the right hand side here, for good.
Film ITV seem to have owned the rights to the Die Hard films for the last hundred years, and it must have been, hmm, about three weeks since they last gave us a blast through of the trilogy, so why not indulge once again, this time on cable (ITV2 Monday) so you can brag to your friends what you can watch that they can’t. Yeah!
Sport It must have been about three years since we last had a TV writer who cared about sport, so the fact that this box has remained here is a testament to the laziness of all subsequent hacks. Match of the Day clogs up Saturday night (BBC1 10.30pm) like a hamster in a drainpipe. Let’s see if Theo Walcott makes his unlikely debut.
Radio I’ve pretty much given up on all FM radio since getting a digital radio for Christmas, so I heartily suggest you do the same, otherwise I’ll be carping on about 6 Music every week and you’ll have no idea what day it is. Basically, 6 Music the best thing that’s happened to radio since Dave Lee Travis stopped being on it. Steve Lamacq does drive time! They play the full length version of Stem by DJ Shadow at nine o clock in the morning! They get people to phone in requesting they favourite songs with the word “door” in the title. It’s entire fan base is comprised of over-the-hill nerds who think Richard Thompson is still hip (like me) and complain about “young kids” even though they’re 23.
Monday
Page 28
February 13 - 19 2006
howcomewegetcomedyemailaddresses@doesnobodytakeusseriously.oh.right.
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977
19.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 20.00 Get Your Dream Job 20.30 Trauma 21.00 The Ferocious Mr Fix It 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Tittybangbang 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 The Ferocious Mr Fix It 01.25 Tittybangbang 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Wedding Stories 03.55 Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife One of her earliest TV roles was as a presenter on the short-lived Saturday morning children's show UP2U. The show was not a major hit and today is chiefly remembered for an incident in which Turner was badly burned by faulty pyrotechnics. She later became famous presenting Blue Peter. She then moved on to presenting the ITV morning television show GMTV, as well as the first National Lottery draw in 1994. In 1998 her now husband, Grant Bovey, left his wife
Della, for her, then reconciled, then left again. In 2003, she came 15th in a Channel 4 poll of 100 worst Britons. PERFECT! I’m with Channel Four on this one. 19.00 The Planets Revisited 20.00 The World 20.30 The Hitler Diaries: Days That Shook the World 21.00 Rude Britannia 21.40 Till Death Us Do Part 22.15 Fawlty Towers 22.45 The Young Ones 23.20 The Thick of It 23.50 Kenneth Tynan: In Praise of Hardcore The old WWF Hardcore title? The Music Genre? The *gasp* filthy porno industry? I don’t know, and one thing’s certain, I won’t be tuning in to find out. 01.05 Rude Britannia 01.45 The Hitler Diaries: Days That Shook the World Jan. 23, 1556, Dec. 26, 2004, July 27, 1976, Aug. 9, 1138, May 22, 1927, Dec. 22, 856, Dec. 16, 1920, Sept. 1, 1923, Oct. 5, 1948, Dec. 28, 1908, Dec. 25, 1932. 02.15 The Thick of It 02.50 Kenneth Tynan: In Praise of Hardcore Kenny does seem to go on about this hardcore business quite a lot doesn’t he? 04.05 Close
6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Coronation Street 9:55 Emmerdale 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:30 The Springer Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 The Montel Williams Show 4:40 The Oprah Winfrey Show 5:35 Judge Judy 6:50 Movies Now 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Why Dickie Can't Teach 7:30 Spin City: Family Affair 8:00 Coronation Street Secrets: Hunks 8:30 Airline USA South of the Border 9:00 Neighbourhoods from Hell Well, I’ll tell you this for nothing. Growing up in the Bronx wasn’t exactly a box of Ferrero Rocher Yeah you might get your wingmirrors ripped off by some rapscallion but I spent my childhood dodging bullets. Once I was shot 4 days in a row (once in the FACE) but you never saw me running to ITV2 about it. 10:00 FILM: Die Hard 2 0:20 Coronation Street 0:55 Coronation Street 1:25 The Ricki Lake Show 2:05 Play Sudoku 4:00 Teleshopping
five 10.00pm
6:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 7:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 8:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 9:00am Wake Up With... 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Nothing But Robbie 12:00pm Higher Or Lower - Robbie V The Take That Boys 1:00pm Higher Or Lower Robbie V The Take That Boys 2:00pm Hijacked By... Mark Owen 3:00pm One Tree Hill: The Heart Brings You Back 4:00pm The Simple Life: Interns: Nursing Home 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: The Last One 6:05pm Desperate Housewives: Move On 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm The Simple Life: Interns: Nursing Home 8:00pm Celebrity Big Brother Launch Show 9:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Exposed 10:00pm The Gift &Nbsppremiere 12:05am Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Exposed 12:55am Queer As Folk 2:00am Desperate Housewives: Move On 2:55am Queer As Folk 3:50am One Tree Hill: The Heart Brings You Back 4:30am Switched 4:55am Fool Around... With Romeo
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06.00 Bagpuss 06.15 Monkey Makes 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 Hi-5 07.20 Make Way for Noddy 07.30 Say It with Noddy 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Say It with Noddy 07.55 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.10 Peppa Pig 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.30 Elmo's World 08.50 Franny's Feet 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.40 Film: "Melanie Darrow" 15.30 Film: "Columbo: Last Salute to the Commodore" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Two and a Half Men 19.00 five news 19.15 The Gadget Show 20.00 Megastructures 1. Taipei 101, Taipei, Taiwan 2. Petronas Tower 1, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia 3. Petronas Tower 2, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia 4. Sears Tower, Chicago 5. Jin Mao Building, Shanghai. Right, why on earth did they not make the second Petronas Tower bigger than the first one? Second Album syndrome I guess. I think band’s should only ever record one album to avoid this, starting with the Arctic Monkeys. 21.00 Aircrash Investigations 22.00 Prison Break 23.00 World's Most Stupid Criminals 24.00 Dark Angel 24.55 World's Strongest Man 01.45 ITU World Cup Triathlon 02.40 USPGA Golf 03.40 Sunshine Tour Golf 04.40 Natural Born Racers 05.05 NBA Action 05.30 Football Argentina GOOOOOOaaaAAAAAAOOOOoooa aaaalll!! Oh no, offside, sorry.
M
5:50am Spider-Man: King Pinned 6:10am The Hoobs: Keeping Warm 6:35am The Hoobs: Rain 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends: The One Where Ross Can't Flirt 8:00am Just Shoot Me: The Proposal 8:25am Just Shoot Me: The Auction 8:50am Will & Grace: Husbands And Trophy Wives 9:20am Frasier: Beware Of Greeks 9:50am In Your Face: Village Portrait By Annie Ovenden 10:05am Fantastic Voyage 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Cheers: The Last Picture Show 1:00pm Celebrity Life Skills 1:10pm Er: Foreign Affairs 2:00pm Anne Of The Indies 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal Or No Deal 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons: Marge Vs. The Monorail 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: I Saw You: Mike's Story 8:00pm Dispatches: Ryanair: Caught Napping 9:00pm Bodyshock: The 80-Year-Old Children 10:00pm ER: Dream House 11:05pm Hollyoaks: Back From The Dead Sure Thing. That evil scouse Andy is back from 20,000 legions under the sea, ready to rape and pillage as if Vikings never went out of fashion. Here’s hoping Hollyoaks pounce on the opportunity to have turned him into some fish headed creature or a mermaid or something, ‘cause he would have had to evolve to suit his new sea life. 11:35pm No Angels 12:40am Levi's Ones To Watch: Editors And The Kooks 1:10am Help!: Redundancy 2:10am Er: When Night Meets Day 3:10am Er: Kisangani 4:00am Demolition 5:00am Scrapheap Challenge: White Water Rider 6:00am Close
I
6:00 GMTV 7:00 GMTV Today 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30 This Morning 12:00 This Morning: Dancing on Ice Special 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 The Jeremy Kyle Show Aged 20 - Six Kids by Six Different Women! 2:35 Agatha Christie's Poirot: Problem at Sea 3:35 Pocoyo Bedtime 3:40 Uncle Max Goes for a Pizza 3:50 The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers Saddles of Insanity! 4:00 Atomic Betty: Spider Betty 4:15 Bernard Wheels 4:25 Feel the Fear Holly v Rats 5:00 You've Been Framed! 5:30 Dancing on Ice: Extra Seriously, who asked for more? Surely that’s the equivalent of being fed your own brain and asking for seconds? 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Wales This Week 8:30 Coronation Street 9:00 Northern Lights 10:00 Help Your Self 10:30 ITV News 11:00 Supernatural Phantom Traveller 0:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 0:25 REM in Profile 0:55 Quizmania Now THIS is what I’m talking about. Farcical all night version of Channel 5’s Brain Teaser except the contestant’s are either single mum’s awake all night with their restless children or wastrel alcoholics who forgot they were working the night shift. Presented by failed cable TV presenters who probably one day want to work on price drop tv. 2:30 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3:30 Mum's on Strike 4:05 Have I Been Here Before? 4:35 House Price Challenge 5:00 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 News
Prison Break
PRIMETIME
6:00am: Close 7:00 CBeebies: Ha Ha Time: Cbeebies Birthdays: Teletubbies 7:30 Tots TV 7:40 Brum 7:50 Bill and Ben 8:00 Balamory 8:20 Pingu. Pingu and Pinga Go Camping 8:25 CBBC: Newsround 8:30 ChuckleVision Is he dead? I heard Barry might be dead. If he is then my whole childhood means nothing anymore, even though he was a finger sucking internet perv. ALLEGEDLY. If you can confirm he’s dead (or indeed a perv) please get in touch at television@gairrhydd.com, or indeed do the same if you fancy writing for TeeVee. 8:45 The Fairly Odd Parents 9:15 CBBC Playlist 10:30 Viewers Vote 11:00 What the Romans Did for Us 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:00pm: Working Lunch 12:30 Winter Olympics 2006 Possibly the most stupid sporting event ever. I request it just be renamed the Ultimate Sliding Championships, because essentially that’s all it is. And, no snowball championships? I don’t know about you but when it snows, my first thought isn’t to go figure skating, it’s to lob a huge block of freezing snow on somebody’s head. Opportunity missed here. 4:00 Uncharted Territory 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 6:30 Masterchef Goes Large 7:00 Top of the Pops On a Monday? I don’t understand it. Maybe it’s a ‘special’. Though the only thing that could make TOTP special would be if it was a Fearne Cotton Death edition. 8:00 Tales from the Palaces 8:30 Winter Olympics 2006 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Mighty Boosh The ‘Primetime’ column is my friend. 11:50 Kath and Kim 12:15am Joins BBC News 24
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6:00am: Breakfast 9:30 Through Hell and High Water 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 Downsize Me 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm Bargain Hunt Live 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Harold makes Connor face his fears. Sky challenges Joe to be honest with Lyn. Rachel sees Jake in secret. Karl's date causes a stir 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink 3:45 Krypto the Superdog 4:00 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:15 Jonny's Hotshots 4:30 Maddigan's Quest. Birdboys Starring extremely culturally relevant Pete Burns, waxing lyrical on the values of dressing like a woman and mincing around talking about bum sex in clothes that were initially made for a Spice Girls’ Reunion Tour, to YOUR younger brothers and sisters. ‘fraid so. 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Holiday 2006 7:30 Inside Out 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 On the Fiddle? 9:00 Life on Mars 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The Bigger Picture with Graham Norton 11:05 Film 2006 with Jonathan Ross 11:35 James Blunt at the BBC 12:20am: FILM: Las Vegas Lady 1:50 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 3:40 Sign Zone: Uncharted Territory 4:40 Joins BBC News 24 I wish I always had a back up channel to rely on.
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Jonny’s Hotshots
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06:10The Hoobs: Keeping Warm 06:35 The Hoobs: Rain 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends: The One Where Ross Can't Flirt 08:00 Just Shoot Me: The Proposal (Pt. 2) 08:25 Just Shoot Me: The Auction 08:50 Will And Grace: Husbands And Trophy Wives 09:20 Frasier: The 1000th Show 09:50 In Your Face: Village Portrait By Annie Ovenden 10:05 Film: Fantastic Voyage (1966) 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala 12:45 Gel A Ffion 13:00 Rala Rwdins 13:15 3 Minute Wonder: Squat Street 13:20 It's Me Or The Dog 13:55 You Are What You Eat 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Ceidwad Y Ddraig 16:25 Rygbi 100% 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Lisa's First Word 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Cefn Gwlad 21:30 Y Clwb Rygbi 22:00 Sgorio 23:05 Bodyshock: The 80-Year-Old Children
Tuesday
February 13 - 19 2006
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watercoolerwater@mmmmm.com
19.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 20.00 Get Your Dream Job 20.30 Trauma 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Tittybangbang What is it with BBC3 and shitty female comedies? If I was in charge I’d at least give the programs a name which didnt make it clear from the start they are going to be utter bollocks.22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Where young actors go to die. This program’s one redeeming feature is that it has a long title and therefore takes up lots of space in the listings. 23.30 Nighty Night Sing me to sleep, I'm tired and I I want to go to bed, Sing me to sleep, And then leave me alone, Don't try to wake me in the morning, 'Cause I will be gone. 24.00 Tittybangbang 24.30 Twisted Tales 01.00 Wedding Stories 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Nighty Night 03.25 Twisted Tales 03.55 Close
19.00 Lefties : Bill Clinton, Joan of Arc, Noel Gallagher, Paul McCartney, Prince Charles, Jimi Hendrix, Tom Cruise, Monica Seles, Romario, David Gower, Robert DeNiro, Carey Grabt, Richard Witsghe, Ringo Starr, Charlie Chaplin, Jim Henson, Steve McQueen, Marilyn Monroe, Sarah Jessica Parker, Keanu Reeves, Jerry Seinfeld, Dan Aykroyd, Diane Keaton, Nicole Kidman, Lisa Kudrow, Julia Roberts, Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, Dick Van Dyke, Oprah Winfrey, Whoopy Goldberg, Kurt Cobain, Isaac Hayes, Phil Collins, Billy Corgan, Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte. I mean that’s just off the top of my head. It’s not as if there are about a million websites that cater for this sort of information. 20.00 The World 20.30 Take One Museum 21.00 Jackanory Night 23.00 Time Shift: Greenham Common ... Changed my Life 23.40 Take One Museum 24.10 In Search of Speed 01.10 Cobra Ferrari Wars 02.10 Mercedes Goes to Motown 03.10 Greenham Common ... Changed my Life
6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Coronation Street 9:55 Emmerdale 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:30 The Springer Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 The Montel Williams Show 4:40 The Oprah Winfrey Show 5:35 Judge Judy 6:50 Planet's Funniest Animals 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun BDOC 7:30 Spin City Family Affair 8:00 Surface 9:00 FILM: 40 Days and 40 Nights 10:55 Harry Hill's TV Burp 11:25 FILM: Double Jeopardy Seattle Police officers are only authorized to wear a turtleneck or tie when wearing a long sleeve uniform shirt (never a white T-shirt). The badge is nowhere close to the actual badge worn by SPD officers. The name tags are black, not silver (almost always cloth sew-on type) and should be worn on the right breast pocket 1/2 inch below the top of the pocket flap. THIS FILM IS A FARCE!! 1:20 Dare 4:00 Teleshopping But surely if you are watching this you dont need to buy a telly?
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6:00am Cubeez: Round And About 6:10am The Hoobs: Wobble 6:35am The Hoobs: Owning Up 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends: The One With The RideAlong 7:55am Just Shoot Me: Maya's And Tigers And Deans, Oh My 8:25am Just Shoot Me: Sid & Nina 8:50am Will & Grace: Girl Trouble 9:20am Frasier: The Perfect Guy 9:50am Frasier: Bad Dog 10:20am The Midland: Checking Into History 10:40am Animal Farm 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Cheers: Bar Wars Vii: The Naked Party 1:00pm Er: Now What? 1:50pm Moonfleet 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal Or No Deal 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons: Selma's Choice 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: I Saw You: Rohan's Story 8:00pm You Are What You Eat 8:30pm It's Me Or The Dog Judging from what little I’ve seen of this program, I choose the dog. 9:00pm How To Divorce Without Screwing Up Your Children Probaby should just have them adopted at birth, then they wont have to put up with you at all. Next week: How to divorce without screwing up your dog. 10:00pm Shameless 11:05pm Hollyoaks: Back From The Dead 11:35pm No Angels 12:35am Help!: Triplets 1:35am Ulee's Gold 3:35 Carling New Kings I suggest you make it a personal rule that you should never trust music recommended by beer designed for football hooligans. 3:55am Social Call 4:05am Demolition 5:05am Countdown Why not, 10...9... 8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1... 5:50am Close
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Selling Yourself
6:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 7:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 8:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 9:00am Wake Up With... 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Yes, I'm Single - Stop Going On About It 12:00pm Valentine's Day Survival Guide 1:00pm Valentine's Day Survival Guide 2:00pm A - Z Of Heartbreak With Anthony Crank 3:00pm One Tree Hill: Between Order And Randomness 4:00pm The Simple Life: Interns 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: Pilot 5:35pm Friends: The One With The Sonogram At The End 6:05pm Desperate Housewives: Every Day A Little Death 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Friends: Pilot 8:00pm Celebrity Big Brother 9:00pm The O.C.: The Swells 10:00pm Beauty And The Geek 11:00pm Shameless 12:05am The O.C.: The Swells 1:00am Beauty And The Geek 2:00am No Angels 3:00am No Angels 4:00am One Tree Hill: Between Order And Randomness 4:40am Switched 5:00am Fool Around... With Neil Turner
06.00 Old Bear Stories 06.10 Monkey Makes 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 Hi-5 07.20 Make Way for Noddy 07.30 Say It with Noddy 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Say It with Noddy Yeah, next time you piss off your girlfriend apologise to her by turning up with a huge bouquet of Noddies. No, not NoddERS, Noddies. She’ll soon punch you around the face leaving you with a BIG EAR(s). Hehe. I’m quite pleased with that, having tried a genuine joke in the TV pages for the first time ever as opposed to my usual being rude/self important.07.55 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.10 Peppa Pig 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.30 Elmo's World 08.50 Franny's Feet 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.40 Film: "One True Love" 15.35 five news update 15.40 Film: “Flowers for Algernon" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Two and a Half Men 19.00 five news 19.15 Michael Rosen's Treasury of Children's Literature 20.00 Selling Yourself 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 CSI: Miami 23.00 Prison Break 24.00 Dark Angel 24.55 NBA Basketball 03.30 Football Argentina Highlights 03.55 Portuguese Football 05.35 Motorsport Mundial Haven’t done this for a while so here is an insight into my week’s listening station: When My Heartstrings Break - Beulah, TNT - Tortoise, Turn On The Bright Lights - Interpol and an endless loop of “I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing”.
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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBeebies: Ha Ha Time: Cbeebies Birthdays: Teletubbies 7:30 Tots TV 7:40 Brum 7:50 Bill and Ben 8:00 Balamory 8:20 Pingu. Pingi's Valentine Card 8:25 CBBC: Newsround 8:30 ChuckleVision 8:45 The Fairly Odd Parents 9:15 CBBC Playlist 10:30 Viewers Vote 11:00 What the Romans Did for Us 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:00pm: Working 12:30 FILM: The Great Gatsby Nick Carraway, a young Midwesterner now living on Long Island, finds himself fascinated by the mysterious past and lavish lifestyle of his neighbor, the nouveau riche Jay Gatsby. He is drawn into Gatsby's circle, becoming a witness to obsession and tragedy. Much like life in the gair rhydd offices this week. Not that I can say anything about that. How irritating. It could give me so much to talk about, but apparently TV Desk’s opinion on the matter isn’t all that important and I just have to carry on insulting things and writing lists. I trained as a councillor in senior school so I’d probably be quite sensitive to the issue as well. As it happens, however, the first great soundbyte of the 21st century is lost. 2:00 Winter Olympics 2006 3:50 Winter Olympics 2006 7:30 Masterchef Goes Large 8:00 Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife 8:30 Hairy Bikers' Cookbook 9:00 Winter Olympics 2006 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 I, Samurai take thee, Ninja, to be my lawful wedded husband. 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Revisewise at School: Science 1 4:00 ReviseWise at School: Science 2
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6:00am: Breakfast 9:30 Through Hell and High Water 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 Downsize Me 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Bargain Hunt Live 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours With Eliza Taylor-Cotter, Mark Little, Janet Andrewartha, Patrick Harvey, Kyal Marsh. Connor returns to Ramsay Street but can't slip back into his old life. Joe can't promise to stay with Lyn forever, but will she take a chance on him regardless? Boyd and Janae revel in their love for each other. PEOPLE ARE STILL DEAD YOU HEARTLESS TRAMP!! 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink 3:45 Krypto the Superdog 4:00 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:15 Jonny's Hotshots 4:30 Maddigan's Quest. Pilgrim's Vantage 5:00 Kerching! 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Watchdog 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City 9:00 Surviving Disaster 10:00 BBC News 10:35 The Baby in the Concrete Block 11:15 Medium 12:00am FILM: Carry On Don't Lose Your Head 1:30 Sign Zone: See Hear 2:15 Sign Zone: Pay Off Your Mortgage in Two Years 3:15 Sign Zone: Britain's Best Buildings: Windsor Castle 3:45 Sign Zone: Uncharted Territory 4:45 Joins BBC News 24 Sorry, I can’t be arsed to right anymore, here’s TV Gareth 24 to take over. Actually, no. The BBC has it easy.
It’s Me Or The Dog
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06:10 The Hoobs06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace 08:50 3 Minute Wonder:The Homeless World Cup 08:55 3 Minute Wonder:The Homeless World Cup 09:00 The Unteachables 09:50 The Deadly Knowledge Show 10:15 Guns Are Cool 11:05 Don't Make Me Angry 11:30 Bitesize Bioleg 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:50 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 Supporting Acts 13:20 Pioneer House: A New World 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad 21:00 04 Wal 21:30 Sioe Gelf 22:00 Jamie's Great Escape 22:30 Lost: Outlaws 23:30 Make Me A Million 00:30 John Peel's Record Box 01:35 Madonna: Who's That Girl
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Wednesday
Page 30
February 13 - 19 2006
dishevelled@TV Desk.com
BBC3 9pm
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19.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 20.00 Get Your Dream Job 20.30 Trauma 21.00 The UK Love Map More Valentine's Day-themed tripe. I hope this year I get a card from someone other than my mum. Yes, I know it's a load of commercial codswallop, but so is Christmas and I'd be the first to complain if I didn't get any cards then. 22.00 Film: "Forces of Nature" 23.40 Tittybangbang 24.10 Gypsy Wars 01.10 My Childhood Well... I made perfume out of petals, had snail races, made dens, smoked some crack, played with my original Gameboy, went on country walks, climbed trees and made shapes in the clouds. It was pretty idyllic really. 02.05 The Last Laugh 03.05 Booze Bird: Mischief NOT starring TV Grace, who has now renounced alcohol in an attempt to be as cool as TV Gareth. It’ll be John and Jane next, then we’ll all take up knitting and stamp-collecting. Watch this space 04.05 Close
19.00 Matt Monro: The Man With The Golden Voice Who? Am I just the only cultural leper around here? 20.00 The World 20.30 The House of Chanel 21.00 Lefties 22.00 Family Ties Contrary to popular belief, my parents are not blood related in any way, despite what you've heard about people from Derbyshire. 22.30 Our Friends in the North People from the far north on the other hand, well they're a different kettle of fish. Of course I am merely jesting (with the exception of Geordie, who has recently got engaged to his cousin) 23.35 Matt Monro: The Man With The Golden Voice 24.35 Family Ties 01.05 Lefties 02.05 Arena 03.05 Ark Royal - The Sailors' Story 04.05 Close I would like to add --> that I didn’t actually flush my entire hand down the toilet, as that would be foolish and I would have been left partially disabled, which is never the aim of a responsible game of dare.
6:00 GMTV2 Including news and children's programmes 9:25 Coronation Street 9:55 Emmerdale 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:30 The Springer Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 The Montel Williams Show 4:40 The Oprah Winfrey Show 5:35 Judge Judy 6:50 Movies Now 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Red, White and Dick 7:30 Spin City They Shoot Horses, Don't They? Really? I like horsies. It doesn't half chafe your thighs if you ride them wearing the wrong legwear though. 8:00 Australian Princess With wanky Paul Burrell, who wouldn't know class if it slapped him on the face with a wet tuna steak. 9:00 Haunted Homes My hometown, Derby, is Britain’s most haunted city you know. If I die, I'll choose to linger somewhere a little less common. 9:45 Movies Now 10:00 Coronation Street 10:30 FILM: Red Heat 0:35 The Ricki Lake Show 1:20 Dare Someone onced dared me to flush my hand down the loo. I did it.
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5:50 Spider-Man: Criminals In The Clouds 6:10 The Hoobs: Sand 6:35 The Hoobs: Hooting 7:00 B4 7:30am Friends: The One With The Ball 7:55 Just Shoot Me 8:25 Just Shoot Me: Erlene And Boo 8:50 Will & Grace9:20 Frasier: Frasier's Gotta Have It 9:55 Water Stories 10:10 The Three Worlds Of Gulliver 12:00 News At Noon 12:30pm Grudge Match 12:40pm Er: The Lost 1:35 Sahara B/W 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks I swear every time I watch this, there’s a new family that’s just moved in, who just happen to be even more OKfriendly, and have less of a back story than the family before. Which one’s going to make the cut and get the juicy story, and which ones are going straight out the window? Watch and wait. My money’s on the dope-fiend who was listening to The Jam and doing air guitar the other week, 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: I Saw You: Amelia And Jarred's Story 8:00 Relocation, Relocation 9:00pm Brat Camp 10:00 Desperate Housewives 11:05 Hollyoaks: Back From The Dead The return of Lewis! As a scare-mongering ghoul with a vengeful eye for the current slew of inferior drug peddlers in Chester. 11:35 No Angels 12:35 Naked Britain 1:35 Life As A House Was built. Was inhabited by idiots. Was destroyed. 3:45 Coming Up: After Me 4:10 Dispatches: Ryanair: Caught Napping 5:05 Countdown
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6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show You Never Knew You Were Pregnant, So How Do You Know I'm the Dad? The sex might have been a small giveaway. 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 The Jeremy Kyle Show Do I Disown My Daughter and Grandson? By going on the Jeremy Kyle Show and denouncing them to the whole unemployed/elderly/infirm/student population, that's how. 2:35 Agatha Christie's Poirot The King of Clubs 3:35 Pocoyo Pocoyo's Little Friend 3:40 Uncle Max Goes to the Cinema 3:50 The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers Fangs of Horror! 4:05 Art Attack 4:25 Barking! Valentine Be off with your schmaltzy tosh. This is a time of year for all single people to rejoice in a) Being richer and b) Just being better than everyone else. 5:00 You've Been Framed! 5:30 Dancing on Ice: Extra 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 The Bill 9:00 FILM: Intolerable Cruelty Godawful. I went to see this film twice, God knows why. The second time I dobbed some pesky kids in for throwing stuff at me. I had to go into hiding for a week. 10:30 ITV News 11:00 FILM: Intolerable Cruelty Believe me, it really is intolerable, apart from the pleasure of ogling Clooney/Zeta Jones. 11:30 Orange Playlist: Valentine's Special 0:00 Club Reps: The Workers 0:30 Young, Posh and Loaded One out of three 'aint bad. 0:55 Quizmania 5:00 ITV Nightscreen
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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBeebies: Ha Ha Time: Cbeebies Birthdays: Teletubbies 7:30 Little Robots 7:40 Brum 7:50 64 Zoo Lane 8:00 Balamory 8:20 Pingu. Pinga Sleep Walks 8:25 CBBC: Newsround 8:30 ChuckleVision If you had to choose, which one would you pick? I'd go for Barry. 8:45 The Fairly Odd Parents 9:15 CBBC Playlist 10:30 Viewers Vote 10:45 Winter Olympics 2006 This year they’ve apparently dropped Badger-bating as an official Olympic sport. Killjoys. 12:05pm: The Daily Politics 1:30 Working 2:00 Winter Olympics 2006 4:00 Winter Olympics 2006 5:30 Flog It! 6:30 Masterchef Goes Large 7:00 A Seaside Parish 7:30 Winter Olympics 2006 9:00 Who Do You Think You Are? 10:00 Hyperdrive BEWARE! Hyperactive TV Grace may be in the vicinity! I think I have ADD. I can't seem to stop myself from hiding behind corners and jumping out at my housemates. I did this to my friend's mum by accident once and she nearly fell down the stairs. 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Desi DNA 11:50 Don't Watch That Watch This! 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Revisewise Challenge at School: Science I want to be rich! The formula for turning lead into gold is not a question I encountered in my GCSE science exam, yet it would be a damn sight more useful than knowing how to dissect a sodding frog. I read The Alchemist too, but that wasn’t any help either. Bah humbug. 4:00 Expressive Arts. Sportsbank Special: Dance TV
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6:00am: Breakfast 9:30 Through Hell and High Water 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 Downsize Me 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Bargain Hunt Live 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Stingray plays a dangerous game in prison. Lyn and Joe's relationship is put to the test again. Janelle packs Kim's bags. Well Kim is a girls name, the big sissy. Here's a bit of neighbours trivia for you: In real life, Kim is Lil's husband. Wow! 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink 3:45 Krypto the Superdog 4:00 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:15 Jonny's Hotshots 4:30 Maddigan's Quest. Laketown 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Disaster Masters 7:30 Child of Our Time: the Children's Stories 8:00 Davina 9:00 Car Wars 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:45 One Foot in the Grave 11:15 Men Behaving Badly 11:40 Two classic comedies in one night? I can’t take it. FILM: Shame II: The Secret 1:20am: Sign Zone: Life in the Undergrowth 2:20 Sign Zone: Tales from the Palaces 2:50 Sign Zone: Uncharted Territory Exploration of the inside of TV Gareth's ear. Some viewers may find certain scenes distressing. 3:50 Joins BBC News 24
One Foot in the Grave
6:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 7:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 8:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 9:00am Wake Up With... 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Rule Brits-Tania 1:00pm Rule Brits-Tania 2:00pm Hijacked By... 3:00pm One Tree Hill: The Hero Dies In This One 4:00pm The Simple Life: Interns 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: The One With The Thumb 5:30pm Friends: The One With George Stephanopoulos 6:05pm Desperate Housewives: Your Fault 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Friends: The One With The Thumb 8:00pm Celebrity Big Brother 9:00pm Invasion: The Cradle 10:00pm Brat Camp Unseen 10:30pm The It Crowd 11:00pm Desperate Housewives: I Wish I Could Forget You 12:00am Hollyoaks Let Loose 1:05am Brat Camp Unseen 1:35am The It Crowd 2:10am Desperate Housewives: Your Fault 2:55am Switched 3:20am Switched 3:40am The Next Joe Millionaire 4:20am One Tree Hill 5:00am Fool
06.00 Old Bear Stories 06.10 Monkey Makes what? A noise? Tracy Island out of some loo rolls and some papier mache? A fashion faux pas? A mountain out of a molehill? A pineapple upside-down cake? Okay, I’ll stop now, sorry. 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 Hi-5 07.20 Make Way for Noddy 07.30 Say It With Noddy 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Say It With Noddy 07.55 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.10 Peppa Pig 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.30 Elmo's World 08.50 Franny's Feet 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard Basking in Jeremy Kyle’s relected glory these days I’m afraid. Everyone likes to see a few pikeys get shouted at, and Trisha just wasn’t really horrible enough. 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.40 Film: "Rag and Bone" 15.25 Film: "The Week of Fear" Dramatisation of this week's events in the GR office. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Two and a Half Men Or 75% of The Magic Numbers, as they’re better known. Try and storm out of that one, you spineless gits! 19.00 five news 19.15 UEFA Cup: Bolton Wanderers v Olympique Marseille 22.00 Film: "Above the Law" Starring Micheal Barrymore. 24.00 Poker Wednesday: Partypoker.com European Open 01.30 UEFA Cup: Bolton Wanderers v Olympique Marseille 03.10 Football Argentina 04.50 Race and Rally UK Race AND Rally? We really are living in a golden age, kids. 05.25 Ironman Triathlon: New Zealand Go away.
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The UK Love Map
C4 12.35am
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06:10 The Hoobs: Sand 06:35 The Hoobs: Hooting 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends: The One With The Ball 07:55 Just Shoot Me: Where's Poppa? 08:25 Just Shoot Me 08:50 Will And Grace 09:20 Frasier 09:55 Water Stories 10:10 Film: The Three Worlds Of Gulliver (1960) 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Y Brodyr Coala 12:45 Anturiaethau Smot Y Ci 12:50 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Rhacsyn A'r Goeden Hud 13:15 3 Minute Wonder: Squat Street 13:20 Time Team: Villas Out Of Molehills 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Code Lyoko 16:25 Stwffio 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Y Ty Cymreig 21:00 Yn Enw Serch 21:30 Sioe Gelf 22:00 Caerdydd 23:00 Desperate Housewives 00:00 10 Years Younger 01:00 Hollyoaks 01:25 Help! Triplets 02:20 Film: Saboteur (1942) 04:10 Diwedd/Close ...and it’s goodnight from me folks. Tara! x
Thursday
February 13 - 19 2006
Page 31
BOYWILLBEBOYS@’tiltheend.com
Where is it?
19.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways Next year they’ll be making a show on my newly acquired house mates, the little tearaways. Yes, readers, I’ve been looking for a house. Oh the joys. Well we found one and it’s pretty and nice and cosy and we’ll probably end up demolishing it within a month. It should be an interesting house of people, we’ve got a Land Rover (I’ve just been corrected: it’s two words not one) obsessive, snowboarding obsessive, a guy who lives on a diet of Libertines, pasta and pesto, a die-hard Oasis fan and the world’s number one cleaner. And me. 20.00 Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife 21.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Real Hustle 23.00 Wedding Stories 23.55 Honey We're Killing the Kids 24.55 The UK Love Map Research shows that the natives of Barnstaple get the most lovin’ and investigation is carried out into the sex lives of OAPs in Peckham. 01.50 Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife 02.50 Wedding Stories 03.50 Close
ITV1 11.30pm
19.00 Sounds of the Sixties Hits of yesteryear. 19.10 The Avengers Avenger, Avenger, A venger PENGUINS, On their motorbikes, Marlon leads the fight, MMMMM IN BIG CITY, when tomorrow comes and the going gets tough...20.00 The World 20.30 Ripping Yarns 21.00 In Search of Speed 22.00 The Late Edition Comic topical talk show with Marcus Brigstocke. 22.30 Rich Hall's Cattle Drive 23.00 QI 23.30 Counter Culture 24.00 In Search of Speed 01.00 The Late Edition 01.30 Counter Culture 02.00 Rich Hall's Cattle Drive And what a cattle drive it is! 02.30 Family Ties 03.00 Lefties 04.00 Close Obituary: Mr Grass Head, aged approximately 4 months died on the 1st of February due to foreseen circumstances. He will be sadly missed (but not by his owner because she was too heartless and cruel to feed the poor thing). Fucking water your Mr Grassheads people, if you’re incapable of looking after a simple plant then try a cactus or, better still, get a fake one!
ITV2 6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Coronation Street 9:55 Emmerdale 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:30 The Springer Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 The Montel Williams Show 4:40 The Oprah Winfrey Show 5:35 Judge Judy 6:50 Ask a Silly Question Umm…why do we hiccup? Umm, actually that’s not silly, why do we hiccup? 7:00 The Brits 2006 - Red Carpet 8:00 Holiday Showdown 9:00 Teenage Tourettes Camp 10:30 The Brits 2006 - Party On! 11:00 Supernatural Phantom Mentalist Traveller 0:00 The Ricki Lake Show 0:50 Ask a Silly Question 1:00 Dare 4:00 Teleshopping On my way to the shop this evening to purchase a bottle of wine to drink whilst writing my listings, I got told to fuck off by some random girl, how rude. And when I didn’t react, she said, "yeah you in the fluffy hat", bitch. My hat isn’t fluffy anyway and it should not be ridiculed, it is lovely and woolly and nice.
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6:00am: Close 7:00 CBeebies: Ha Ha Time: Cbeebies Birthdays: Teletubbies 7:30 Boo! 7:40 Brum 7:50 Gordon the Garden Gnome 8:00 Balamory 8:20 Pingu. Pinga's Lost Rabbit 8:25 CBBC: Newsround 8:30 ChuckleVision 8:45 The Fairly Odd Parents 9:15 CBBC Playlist 10:30 Viewers Vote 11:00 What the Romans Did for Us 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:00pm: Working 12:30 Winter Olympics 2006 2:00 Winter Olympics 2006 4:00 Uncharted Territory 4:30 Ready Steady Cook In my ready Steady Cook bag I would have…a snickers ice cream bar and a mango. 5:15 Winter Olympics 2006 6:30 Masterchef Goes Large Even though the show is now shorter than it used to be. Absoloutely Mental. Bet there’s no Lloyd either. 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Pay Off Your Mortgage in Two Years by selling your bap implants on eBay (especially if your name’s Jordan) and maybe your tonsils and appendix too. Or, if you’re feeling really skint, maybe a limb or chunk of brain. (Unless you’re like my pal Lu, who likes to keep them in the fridge, her tonsils that is, not her brain). Or eBay your infamous limited edition gair rhydd issue 804. Bring it round and we’ll sign it for you if you like. Not that you do like of course. Nobody cares about TV, despite it being the biggest section in gair rhydd. Read it and weep news eds. 9:00 Winter Olympics 2006 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24. 4:00 GCSE Bitesize Revision: Science.
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6:00am: Breakfast Thursday and Friday this week are brought to you as a joint venture between TV’s Jane and TV’s Gareth. Jane’ll be making the jokes, I’ll be being rude. 9:30 Through Hell and High Water 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 Downsize Me 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm Bargain Hunt Live 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Stingray and Dylan's suffering reunites Kim and Janelle. Harold's saintly pity for Paul is tested. Susan and Karl compare notes, and Susan has the better deal. 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink 3:45 Krypto the Superdog 4:00 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:15 Jonny's Hotshots 4:30 Maddigan's Quest 5:00 Kerching! 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 A Question of Sport 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Seaside Rescue 8:30 Super Vets 9:00 Hotel Babylon 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week I have seen several films including, ‘Munich’, ‘Gossip’ (‘twas poo) and ‘Devil’s Advocate’ (Keanu makes me laugh). 12:25am: Sign Zone: 2012: How the Bid Was Won 12:50 Sign Zone: Stepfamilies 1:50 Sign Zone: Dubai Dreams 2:20 Sign Zone: Seaside Rescue 2:50 Sign Zone: Uncharted Territory 3:50 Joins BBC News 24
Waterfront
6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Ex, I've Got a New Family - Your Baby is Not Mine! 10:30 This Morning I had a bowl of wheat things with raisins in and a cup of tea, how very healthy. 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 The Jeremy Kyle Show: Wife Please Take Me Back! 2:35 Agatha Christie's Poirot The Dream bless Poirot/David Suchet, he is just so cute, I just want to give him a big hug. 3:35 Pocoyo Let's Go Camping 3:40 Uncle Max Runs a Race 3:50 The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers Ocean of Terror 4:00 Sonic X Project: Shadow 4:30 Drake and Josh Helen's Surgery 5:00 You've Been Framed! 5:30 Dancing on Ice: Extra 6:00 Wales Tonight The latest news from across Wales 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 8:00 The Brit Awards 2006 10:30 ITV News 11:00 The Last Dawn 11:30 Waterfront 0:00 Free Ride Big shout out to the Kingsmill delivery driver who gave my housemates a free loaf of bread and pack of crumpets when they were drunkenly returning home from town at 3am. He didn’t disclose his name because “The walls have ears lads, the walls have ears”.0:30 Karen Sisco Nobody's Perfect However, ‘Sisqo’ the late 90s American R&B superstar was pretty damn near perfect. What with his shiny six pack and remarkable ‘Thong Song’ he was pretty much every girl’s perfect guy. I know he was mine. (Credit this to TV Gareth). 1:10 Quizmania 3:45 Britain's Best Back Gardens 4:10 Moving Day 4:35 I Want That House Revisited 5:00 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News
Brain Teaser
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5:50am Spider-Man: Menace From The Bottom Of The World 6:10am The Hoobs: Soft Round Flat Things 6:35am The Hoobs: Fish 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends: The One With Joey's Big Break 7:55am Just Shoot Me: Fanny Finch 8:25am Just Shoot Me: Sugar Momma 8:50am Will & Grace: Gypsies, Tramps And Weeds 9:20am Frasier: First Date 9:55am Water Stories 10:05am Master Of The World 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Water Stories 12:45pm Er: Dear Abby 1:40pm Inside Out 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal Or No Deal Fifty pence, five pence, fifty pence, five pence, fifty pence, five pence, fifty pence, five pence. Despite the inevitability that if my VCR clock says the time is 16.53 the contestant is going to say “Deal”, this is still an awesome program. 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons: I Love Lisa 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: I Saw You: Ione's Story 8:00pm 10 Years Younger 9:00pm The First Emperor 11:05pm David Gray: Video Exclusive 11:10pm Hollyoaks: Back From The Dead 11:40pm No Angels 12:40am Kaiser Chiefs Live At The Fillmore Which is naturally nowhere near as good as ‘Kaiser Chiefs Dead’ at absolutely anywhere so long as it’s bloody. 1:40am Dv8: The Cost Of Living 2:15am The Baby Race 3:15am Extraordinary Families: A Mother's Story Would tell your mother’s story but it is xxxxrated. Not really, but mum jokes are more in than the Arctic Monkeys. 4:15am Transworld Sport 5:10am Countdown 5:55am Close
6:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 7:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 8:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 9:00am Wake Up With... 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever...You Want 12:00pm Whatever... You Want 1:00pm Higher Or Lower 2:00pm Hijacked By... 3:00pm One Tree Hill: Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows 4:00pm The Simple Life: Interns 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: The One With The East German Laundry Detergent 5:35pm Friends: The One With The Butt 6:05pm Desperate Housewives: 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Friends Laundry Detergent 8:00pm Celebrity Big Brother 8:30pm Celebrity Big Brother 9:00pm Er: The Human Shield 10:00pm My Name Is Earl 10:30pm Rock School 11:30pm Peep Show 12:05am 8 Out Of 10 Cats 12:35am ER 1:30am My Name Is Earl: Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine 2:00am Rock School 3:00am Peep Show 3:30am Desperate Housewives 4:10am Switched 4:35am Switched 4:55am Fool Around... With Kenzie
Five 06.00 Old Bear Stories 06.10 Monkey Makes 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 Hi-5 07.20 Make Way for Noddy 07.30 Say It with Noddy 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Say It With Noddy That is a lot of Noddy. 07.55 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.10 Peppa Pig 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.30 Elmo's World 08.50 Franny's Feet 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser The woman who presents this also presents my local news back in Baff. I’m guessing she didn’t include this on her CV when she got the job. Though the way she has to ad lib to kill time suggests to me she could be a very good freestyle rapper. 13.40 Film: "Thirst" 15.30 Film: "On Hostile Ground" The corridor leading from the gair rhydd office to the fourth floor landing. Semi-private joke there kids. Not that it’s a joking matter. Obv. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Two and a Half Men 19.00 five news 19.15 UEFA Cup Football Bolton or Middlesbrough. Either way, it’s not going to be great. 22.00 House 23.00 A Hundred Orgasms a Day: Extraordinary People No way! That’s nothing, only 100? (wow, how on earth does that happen?) Presumably you could just go to Rubber Duck and get a similar sort of result. MIAOW. (That last bit was me, TV Gareth, so don’t go all catty on Janey you rugby whores). 24.00 Golazo Football Show 01.05 UEFA Cup Football 02.45 Dutch Footbal
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PRIMETIME
Super Vets
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In Search Of Speed
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06:10 The Hoobs06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace 08:50 3 Minute Wonder:The Homeless World Cup 08:55 3 Minute Wonder:The Homeless World Cup 09:00 The Unteachables 09:50 The Deadly Knowledge Show 10:15 Guns Are Cool 11:05 Don't Make Me Angry 11:30 Bitesize Bioleg 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:50 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 13:00 Tecwyn Y Tractor 13:15 Supporting Acts 13:20 Pioneer House: A New World 14:25 Deal Or No Deal 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Martin Mellten 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad 21:00 04 Wal 21:30 Sioe Gelf 22:00 Jamie's Great Escape 22:30 Lost: Outlaws 23:30 Make Me A Million 00:30 John Peel's Record Box 01:35 Madonna: Who's That Girl
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Friday
Page 32
February 13 - 19 2006
tv@gairrhydd.com
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BBC4 19.00 Lefties 20.00 The World 20.30 The Cinema Show 21.00 Folk Britannia 22.00 The Great Hunger: the Life and Songs of Shane MacGowan 23.00 M R James: A View from a Hill 23.40 The Avengers 24.30 The Late Edition 01.00 Folk Britannia 02.00 BBC Four Sessions 03.00 Folk Britannia 04.00 Close Well I had an exciting few moments today. After reporting my shower to the halls maintenance people due to the fact that it wouldn’t stop running, even when turned off, some lovely older chappy came to fix it for me. But for some bizarre reason he must have poked the ceiling above my shower as half of the plaster had fallen down and was now dispersed around the room in tiny little bits. Anyway, despite this, the chappy did manage to fix the shower. However, whilst fixing the shower he had left my door on the latch and every time he left the room it slammed. This resulted in the lock to my door being pretty much pulled off the door. Eventually, after much grunting and whistling an
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6:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 7:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 8:00am E4 Music: It's Wicked! 9:00am Wake Up With... 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Whatever... You Want 1:00pm Higher Or Lower 2:00pm Hijacked By... 3:00pm One Tree Hill: Unopened Letter To The World 4:00pm The Simple Life: Interns 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: The One With The Blackout 5:35pm Friends: The One Where Nana Dies Twice 6:05pm Desperate Housewives: Impossible 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Friends: The One With The Blackout 8:00pm Celebrity Big Brother 9:00pm Supernanny 10:00pm The Gift 12:10am Hollyoaks: Back From The Dead 12:40am Hollyoaks: Back From The Dead 1:10am Hollyoaks: Back From The Dead 1:45am Hollyoaks: Back From The Dead 2:15am Porn: A Family Business 2:55am Desperate Housewives 3:40am One Tree Hill: Unopened Letter To The World 4:25am Switched 4:45am Fool Around... With Nadia
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d fiddling the chappy fixed the lock. Phew. What a day.6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Coronation Street 9:55 Emmerdale 10:55 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:40 Judge Judy 12:30 The Springer Show 1:30 Coronation Street 2:00 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 The Montel Williams Show 4:40 The Oprah Winfrey Show 5:35 Judge Judy 6:50 Movies Now Oh man, I’m watching a documentary on the 1989 San Francisco earthquake whilst doing the TV listings and I’m in tears. This is not good, when you’ve got a bottle of wine and a bar of chocolate aren’t you meant to watch funny, romantic chick-flicks, not depressing tragic stories about real life? Sad huh? 7:00 3rd Rock from the Sun Dick Digs 7:30 Spin City Miracle near 34th Street 8:00 Planet's Funniest Animals 8:30 American Idol 9:15 American Idol 10:05 Haunted Homes 10:50 Coronation Street 11:20 FILM: The Bodyguard 1:30 Dare 4:00 Teleshopping Word of the day: ‘excoriate’, to denounce, or wear/tear off the skin. Lovely. Zombie-tastic.
Five 06.00 Old Bear Stories 06.10 Monkey Makes 06.20 Rolie Polie Olie 06.45 Hi-5 07.20 Make Way for Noddy 07.30 Say It With Noddy 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Say It With Noddy 07.55 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.10 Peppa Pig 08.15 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.30 Elmo's World 08.50 Franny's Feet 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.40 FILM: "Donor Unknown" 15.30 five news update 15.35 FILM: "Navigating the Heart" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Two and a Half Men 19.00 five news 19.30 Built for the Kill 20.00 Killer Snake of the Amazon: Austin Stevens' Adventures 21.00 The Most Shameful TV Moments Ever This event, explained in an extract from wikipedia should be quite high up: His actions on the The Farm brought him into some disrepute. On a number of occasions he walked around the house wearing only underwear, with a very obvious erection. Whilst talking to other housemates he would start to rub the erection, this raised complaints with the television moderator OFCOM. 23.30 The Shield 24.30 John Barnes' Football Night 01.25 Boxing: Fight of the Week 02.10 Kickboxing - Now Is the Time: Night of Combat I have a problem with television programs that call themselves “night of...” and then only last 50 minutes. 03.00 Boxing Classics 03.35 Poker Night 05.05 Supercross Grand Prix
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5:55am Animated Tales Of The World 6:10am The Hoobs: Keys 6:35am The Hoobs: Waiting 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends: The One In Vegas 7:55am Just Shoot Me: Maya Stops Thinking 8:25am Just Shoot Me: At Long Last Allie 8:50am Will & Grace: Lows In The Mid-Eighties 9:20am Frasier: Roz And The Schnoz 9:50am Frasier: The Life Of The Party 10:20am The 5000 Fingers Of Dr T 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Grudge Match 12:40pm Er: Shifts Happen 1:35pm Courage Mountain 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal Or No Deal 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons: Duffless 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:30pm 30 Minutes 6/10: Walter Wolfgang: Rebel With A Cause 8:00pm Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ball 8:30pm Will & Grace: The Newlydreads 9:00pm 8 Out Of 10 Cats 9:30pm The IT Crowd: The Red Door 10:00pm My Name Is Earl: Stole Beer From A Golfer 10:35pm The Friday Night Project Jeeez, friday night Channel 4 TV is bollocks at the moment. It should be known that the only peson to be able to pull off a westcountry accent is TV Me. 11:35pm The Streets: Video Exclusive 11:40pm Pacific Heights Dunno, but the Pacific depth is 11 kilometers. 1:30am Smirnoff Experience Reel Talent Awards 1:40am Coming Up: Take My Heart 2:10am Er: Out Of Africa 3:00am The Baby Race 4:00am Eating For Two 4:05am How To Divorce Without Screwing Up Your Children 5:05am Countdown 5:50am Close
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ITV1 6:00 GMTV 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show: Why Won't You Let Me See My Granddaughter? 10:30 This Morning 12:00 This Morning: Dancing on Ice Special 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 The Jeremy Kyle Show Mum I'm Ashamed of You! 2:35 Agatha Christie's Poirot Peril at End House 3:35 Pocoyo The Key to It All 3:40 Uncle Max Washes His Clothes for the first time ever! Finally we get to see the real Uncle Max when the dirt is removed. 3:50 The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers Monster of Mayhem 4:00 Finders Keepers Now presented by Knobhead Jeff Brazier. The memories now mean nothing. 4:30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Jealousy 5:00 You've Been Framed! 5:30 Dancing on Ice: Extra 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald I’m going out for cocktails and nibbles and we’re going to have a fabulous time. But I’m not going back to his for coffee, because I’m a lady. 8:30 A Touch of Frost: Nothing to Hide 10:30 ITV News 11:00 The Brits Backstage 11:35 Orange Playlist 0:00 FILM: Drive Me Crazy So, in my latest time saving ploy I just purge imdb for film synopsises. But there are a couple of entries for ‘Drive Me Crazy’ so I don’t know which it is. It either has Sabrina the Teenage Witch in it or some non-entity. Personally I’m hoping it just gets cancelled.1:30 Quizmania 5:00 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News
ITV2 3.00pm
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M I T E M I R P STUDENT SAVER
19.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 20.00 Get Your Dream Job 20.30 Trauma 21.00 Wedding Stories 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Tittybangbang 23.00 FILM: "Blind Flight" I know nothing of this film, but just imagine the potential hilarity of watching two blind people (or even more in some kind of Mentalist Battle Royale) fight. Preferably to the deaf. HAHA! DEAF! geddit?!? There is a sign in the gair rhydd office which says “Do not use excla-cuntingmation marks”. I make it my aim to defy that rule as much as is possible. 24.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.30 The Mighty Boosh If you haven’t seen this then you really should, it is so bizarre and so funny. 02.00 Twisted Tales The story of what happens to TV Gareth if he decides to venture out of the house for a change and head to Dempsey’s for Twsited By Design on Saturday. Probs not. 02.30 Tittybangbang 03.00 The Ferocious Mr Fix It 04.00 Close
6:00am: Close 7:00 CBeebies: Ha Ha Time: CBeebies Birthdays: Teletubbies 7:30 Boo! 7:40 Brum 7:50 Charlie and Lola 8:00 Balamory 8:20 Pingu 8:25 CBBC: Newsround 8:30 ChuckleVision 8:45 The Fairly Odd Parents 9:15 CBBC Playlist 10:30 Viewers Vote 11:00 Journeys to the Bottom of the Sea 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:00pm: Working 12:30 Winter Olympics 2006 2:00 Winter Olympics 2006 4:00 Ready Steady Cook 4:45 Weakest Link 5:30 Winter Olympics 2006 7:30 Masterchef Goes Large 8:00 Through Hell and High Water 8:30 Winter Olympics 2006 9:30 Have I Got Old News for You Have you seen the advert on BBC showing Bonnie Tyler singing ‘I need a hero’ whilst washing the dishes in ‘support of Wales’? Hilarious. 10:00 Mock the Week You’re rubbish, week. Simple but effective. Failing that, just call it a cunt. 10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 Nirvana: Nevermind - Classic Albums “If by ‘classic’ they mean preposterously overrated cack only listened to by people who tippex on their bag or dads who wish they were young enough to tippex on their bags” TV John 12:25am: FILM: CrackUp 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Sounds of Paradise 2:30 Behind a Mask 3:30 A Tale of Two Capitals Paris and Rome 4:30 France in the Viewfinder 5:00 Ever Wondered? Yes all the fuckin’ time, why? You goin to do something about it? If you haven’t, don’t worry, it’s only 10 minutes long. 5:30 Renaissance Secrets
BBC2 7.30pm
The Ricki Lake Show
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BBC 1 6:00am: Breakfast 9:30 Through Hell and High Water 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 Downsize Me 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Bargain Hunt Live 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Paul's relieved when Tony Corbett is found dead. Rachel lets slip a Kinski family secret. Karl's new-found romance comes to an end. Bree makes good on dumping Zeke. Elle and Ned have a romantic near miss. 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Wink 3:45 Krypto the Superdog 4:00 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:15 Jonny's Hotshots 4:30 Stupid. Holiday 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Junior Mastermind Perfect viewing if you want to see 10 year olds who are better at your degree subject than you are. 7:30 Stars in Fast Cars 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 Judge John Deed Flair: 7/10, Ass: 6/10, Earnestness: 8/10, Figure Skating: 10/10, Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar: 9/10, Reference to Text: 4/10, Finishing: 18/20, Crossing: 14/20, Technique: 16/20, Influence: 10/10. All round good result for John today. 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Jon Culshaw's Commercial Breakdown 11:05 FILM: Sliding Doors 12:40am: FILM: On the Line 2:10 Joins BBC News 24.
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Winter Olympics 2006
P R I M E T I M E
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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 b4 07:30 Friends: The One Without The Ski Trip 08:00 just Shoot Me: Lies & Dolls 08:30 Will And Grace: Looking For Mr Good Enough 08:55the Great Pretenders 09:05the Market 09:30 the Deadly Knowledge Show 09:55 Hardeep Does... Pets 10:20 Bricking It 11:10 Bricking It 12:00 news At Noon 12:30Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Pentre Bach 13:00 Channel 4 Racing 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Dan Datrys 16:25 Bôrd 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 The Simpsons 18:20 Uned 5 19:15 Pobol y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol Cymru V Fiji 21:25 newyddion 21:35 Pobol Y Cwm 22:00 gwyl Cerdd Dant Gogledd Penfro Ymryson Y Beirdd 23:00 Rock School 23:30 Peep Show 00:00 The Osbournes: Number One Fan 00:30 UK Music Hall Of Fame: Who Killed The Rolling Stone? 01:35 UK Music Hall Of Fame: World's Greatest Gigs 02:45 UK Music Hall Of Fame: Jimi Hendrix: The Road To Woodstock 03:50 Freesports
Saturday
February 13 - 19 2006
Page 33
ineedawee@mykidneyshurt.net
In Search of Syphillis
BBC2 7.25pm
BBC1 3.30am
19.00 BBC Three Outtakes Show 19.10 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody 20.10 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 20.40 BBC Three Outtakes Show 21.10 Film: "The Client" Starring Mark Oaten 23.05 Tittybangbang Not Starring Mark Oaten. 23.35 The Last Laugh Too easy. 24.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.35 Man Stroke Woman 02.05 Grass 02.35 Mischief 03.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps TV Willy went on a Quench adventure last night to watch Belle and Sebastian in Brizzle. Not only was it super but the night was capped by Stuart Murdoch inviting members of the audience on stage to dance with the band. One of the goons who got on stage was our esteemed former music editor Jon ‘Vince Noir’ Davies who looked more happy than one would think possible. It was super.
19.00 Pile It High, Sell It Cheap Is this about Jordan eBaying her boobs? 19.40 Bernstein in Belfast 21.10 The Cinema Show 21.40 Film: "L' Homme Du Train" Again this might be something to do with Mark Oaten. 23.10 Folk Britannia I wouldn’t have been that bothered if I had read in Private Eye exactly what Oaten had requested his rentboys to do. Yuk. 24.10 Donovan in Concert Before anyone accuses me of homophobia I must point out that Oaten’s website - at the time of writing at least - has articles about how to curb prostitution. 01.00 BBC Four Sessions I’d like Simon Hughes to win. He seems a thoroughly decent bloke and according to Johann Hari was only lying about his sexuality so his Mum didn’t find out. Poor love. 02.00 Pentangle in Concert Can you imagine voting for Ming? He makes John Major look positively spritely in comparison. 02.30 Bernstein in Belfast This is getting fairly heavy for a TV page isn’t it? 04.00 Close
C4 9am
6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 2.30 Coronation Street Family Album 3.00 The Grammy Awards 2006 All I’m saying is... Kanye - Eight nominations and Bruce - Five. Yes! They both better win a few but I think it’ll be Kanye’s night. I’m going watching him at the CIA in a few weeks. It ought to be super good. As for an EStreet tour... the thought makes me waste. 5.00 Surface Starring Wally/Wanda/Willy the whale. 6.00 Australian Princess Dead mate. 7.00 Celebrity Fit Club 8.00 Dancing on Ice: Defrosted Seriously now. Come on ITV. I know you are handicapped by the fact that you are run by and for a big bunch of morons but surely even you can do better than this? 9.10 Love Chain... Cameron Diaz 9.40 Dancing on Ice: Defrosted - Results 10.10 FILM: Double Jeopardy 0.15 FILM: Mission: Impossible II 2.30 Dare 3.30 Emmerdale Omnibus 5.50 ITV2 Nightscreen
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5:55 Animated Tales Of The World 6:10 The Hoobs: Hair 6:35 The Hoobs: Clapping 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 4endurance: Challenger World Cup Final 8:00 The Morning Line 9:00 T4: Totally Frank 9:30 T4: Pure T4 10:00 T4: Friends: The One Where They're Up All Night 10:30 T4: Popworld 11:15 T4 Tba 11:30 T4: Friends: The One Where Rosita Dies 12:00 T4: Rock School 2/4 1:00 T4: Shipwrecked 2006: Battle Of The Islands 2:00 Channel 4 Racing 4:00 Countdown 4:45 Supernanny 5:45 Deal Or No Deal TV Genius. Noel’s all over the place at the moment. 6:30 Channel 4 News 7:00 Tba I’m not sure what’s going on here. Surely Channel 4 should know what’s going to be on in the middle of their Saturday night schedule for next week. I think the programmers must be a bit confused because there’s no Big Brother to tide them over with. 7:25 Tba 9:00 Tba 10:45 The IT Crowd This should be a work of genius. Ash Atalla. Yes! Graham Lineham. Yes! Chris Morriss. Double yes! Alas, I fear I will be disappointed. And they’re not renewing Peep Show. I blame the Egyptians. I don’t quite know why. But I am. 11:15 Father Ted: Hell 11:45 Tba 12:15 4music: Carling New Kings 3/3 12:40 4music: Soundproof: Girls Make The Best Bass Players 12:55 4music: 4play: Jose Gonzalez 1:10 Bamboozled 3:40 Tba 4:55 30 Minutes: Britain's Tribal Tensions 5:25 Countdown
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6.00 GMTV 9.25 Holly and Stephen's Saturday Showdown 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 The Brits are Coming 1.00 ITV News; Weather 1.05 ITV Wales News and Weather 1.15 FILM: The Great St Trinian's Train Robbery 3.00 Inspector Morse. Greeks Bearing Gifts. I’m not sure whether this is euphumistic or not. He did like classical music after all. 5.00 ITV Wales News and Weather No, I don’t know what that means either. 5.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 6.00 Stars in Their Eyes Kids I saw some munter doing Gwen Stefani not very well last week. I still think there’s an opening for my Springsteen impression. 7.00 Dancing on Ice 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Celebrity 9.10 Dancing on Ice - The Skate-Off Wow, two primetime shows featuring schlebrities on a Saturday night on ITV. Give us a break. 9.40 Rosemary and Thyme. Three Legs Good. Actually, if this is the break I’d rather just watch Millionaire to be honest. 10.40 ITV News 10.55 FILM: Finding Forrester Much harder than finding a cottager. Trust me. 1.25 IRB Rugby Sevens 1.55 Quizmania They’re loving this on Pop Justice at the moment. Or is it Heckler Spray? Anyway, it basically involves some mong filling airtime for about eight hours while astronomically easy anagrams float in the corner to be answered by security guards and insomniacs the country over. It’s really rather addictive though. 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Belle & Sebastian. YES!
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6:00am: CBeebies: Tikkabilla 6:30 Come Outside 6:45 Bobinogs 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes. Baseball Bugs 7:05 Arthur 7:30 BB3B 7:55 The Cramp Twins 8:10 Legend of the Dragon 8:35 The Fairly Odd Parents Tuesday seems to be full of potential pictures for the top bit. The other two are slightly better than this though so let me just say... Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise. 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11:00 Top of the Pops Reloaded 11:45 Sportsround 12:00pm: See Hear 12:45 The Sky at Night 1:25 Film 2006 with Jonathan Ross 1:55 FILM: The Snows of Kilimanjaro 3:45 Monk. Mr Monk and the Kid Starring Jason Alexander, Phil Mitchell and Daniel Radcliffe. 4:30 Final Score 5:20 What the Papers Say If I say ‘What the papers say’ then the papers, or at least one, say ‘what the papers say’. It’s a paradox is what it is. Argh! 5:30 Winter Olympics 2006 6:55 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em Starring 7:25 Tony's Tight Spot TV artist Tony Hart demonstrates the odd, but fun, side-effects of his recent prostate operation. 8:15 Winter Olympics 2006 9:30 Dave Allen at Large 10:15 FILM: From Dusk till Dawn 11:55 Mock the Week 12:25am: FILM: Greetings 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Next Big Thing. Eyes in the Skies 2:30 Lab Detectives 2:45 Hollywood Science 3:00 The Science of Climate 3:30 In Search of Syphilis 4:00 Rocky Shores: Life on the Edge 4:30 An A to Z of English 5:00 Ever Wondered? 5:30 Open Advice - A Meeting of Minds
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9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Rachel's Favourite Food for Friends 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather 12:10 Football Focus For some reason Mark Pougatch has started presenting Focus. He’s not bad actaully, but I’ve got a lot of time for Manish. He did a post-grad at Cardiff you know. 1:00 Six Nations Grandstand 1:05 Six Nations Build-Up 1:30 Six Nations Rugby. France v Ireland 3:30 Six Nations Build-Up 4:00 Six Nations Rugby. Italy v England You’ll all know by now who won in the game between England and Wales. Let it be known that I don’t really care very much. 5:50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 6:10 Just for Laughs 6:40 The Sound of Musicals This is actually the worst show ever. I watched about 40 seconds of Jon Lee singing something out of Evita then tried to knife myself. 7:40 The National Lottery: Millionaire Manor 8:20 Casualty 9:10 Sea of Souls 10:10 BBC News; Weather 10:30 Match of the Day All I’m saying is 3-0. Oh. and Joey Barton you have my royal permission to jump off a tall ledge. Chelski v Middlesbore and the Trafford Glazerwings v ‘Appy ‘Arry’s Pompey. 11:50 FILM: The Substitute 2: School's Out School’s out for half of TV Desk this week. Gareth is making Wurzel-love to his northern sex-pet, Jane is similarly MIA. Apparently John and Grace will be here at some point but one can never be so sure. This Willy making another cameo appearance. I know. I know. 1:20am BBC News 24
Totally Frank
6:00 E4 Music Zone 2:30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00 Friends: The One Where Joey Speaks French 5:30 Friends: The One With Princess Consuela 6:00 Shipwrecked 200 6:30 Battle Of The Islands 7:00 Brat Camp Usa 8:00 Friends: The One Where Joey Speaks French 8:30 Friends: The One With Princess Consuela 9:00 100 Greatest Sexy Moments 1:00 The Friday Night Project This is literally the worst television programme ever made. Justin Lee Collins: having a West-country accent is not witty - you sound like a Wurzel/TV Gareth. Alan Carr you manage the difficult task of being LESS funny than your namesake. 2:00 Porn: A Family Business Starring Seymore Butts, director of such films as Gapes Of Wrath and Squirters. Apparently. 2:30 Shipwrecked 200 6: Battle Of The Islands 3:30 Brat Camp Usa 4:30 Switched 5 :00 Fool Around... With Catalina Guirado Seriously now. Who? Actually? At least I know Fran Cosgrove.
06.00 Sunrise 06.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 07.25 The SaveUms! 07.40 The Save-Ums! 07.50 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs This one is a troubler. They’d have to be very wee dinosaurs. 08.05 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.25 Franklin 08.55 George Shrinks But only in the very cold. 09.30 Don't Blame the Koalas Blame 10.00 The Adventures of Sinbad 10.55 Blue Water High 11.25 The Gadget Show 12.15 Megastructures 13.20 HouseBusters Starring Rik Waller 13.50 Film: "The Ladies" Again, not starring Mark Oaten this one. 15.50 Film: "A Touch of Class" 17.50 Charmed I’m sure. 18.35 Film: "The Magnificent Seven" Ian Huntley, Myra Hindley, Harold Shipman, Fred West, Gary Glitter, Jonathan King and Mark Oaten. 20.55 five news and sport 21.10 CSI:NY 22.10 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.10 Film: "An Officer and a Gentleman" 01.30 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 02.20 The FBI Files 03.10 The Wright Stuff 04.15 The Wright Stuff TV John’s point of excitement this week is a film called Snakes on a Plane, starring Samuel L. Jackson and, guess what, a plane full of snakes. Sounds absolutely brilliant. Apparently it’s acquired cult status already on account of its unprecedented awfullness. Brill. 05.20 Wildlife SOS 05.45 Russell Grant's Postcards I hear Terminator 3 is on next week. It would have been on this week if TV Gareth hadn’t produced the goods with his preparedness. Good lad/Wurzel. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaargh.
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PRIMETIME
Tony’s Tight Spot
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06:10 The Hoobs: Soft and Floppy Fun 06:35 The Hoobs: Window Dressing 07:00 French Football 07:30 World Cup Skiing 08:00 The Morning Line Starring Kate Moss 08:50 Scrappy Races Rally 09:50 Frasier: Are You Being Served? 10:20 Shipwrecked 2006 11:25 The O.C 12:15 Stargate SG-1 13:10 Star Trek Enterprise 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 16:10 Cuntdown 17:00 Newyddion 17:10 Y Clwb Rtgbi 19:25 Y Clwb Pel-droed 20:00 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 20:15 Noson Lawen 21:15 Mozart 250: Aria deh Vieni Alla FIinestra 21:20 Mozart 250: Y Pianydd: Llyr Williams I’m learning some Welsh doing this. I reckon I spoted Vienna and piano in the last two listings. Get me. Araf. Heddlu. Ambwylans. Etc. 22:20 FILM: Blade II 00:25 FILM: The Posiedon Adventure 02:30 FILM: Witness for the Prosecution 04:30 KOTV 05:00 Close Greg Cochrane: Squash master. He kicked some TV Willy ass.
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Sunday
Page 34
February 13 - 19 2006
tv@flaps.com
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five 9.05am
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6:00am E4 Music 2:10 Popworld 3:00 Young, Sexy And...Rockin' I noticed the other day that Kenzie from Blazin’ Squad’s new group have “gone indie” and have started wearing Libertines t-shirts. Ha Ha Ha! 4:00 Beauty And The Geek Starring TV Gareth and TV John. Guess which one’s which. 5:00 Friends: The One Where Estelle Dies 5:30 Friends 6:00 The O.C 7:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 8:00 ER 10:00 Desperate Housewives 11:00 My Name Is Earl Starring the lovely Jason Lee, who seems to be doing everything he can to ugly himself beyond recognition, but is still amazing. 11:30 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 12:30 am The O.C. 1:30am ER Still wanky after all these years. 2:20am My Name Is Earl 2:40am Beauty And The Geek 3:40am Popworld 4:30am Switched 5 :00am Fool Around... With Calum Best The emphasis here is on “fool”.
6:00am: Breakfast 7:35 Match of the Day 9:00 Sunday AM 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 10:55 Countryfile 11:55 The Politics Show 12:50pm: EastEnders 2:45 Six Nations Grandstand 5:00 Songs of Praise 5:35 Holiday 10 Best 6:15 Seven Man-Made Wonders 6:45 Antiques Roadshow 7:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00 Shipwreck Ark Royal 9:00 The Virgin Queen 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:15 The Last Tally Ho 11:15 Rail Cops 11:45 FILM: Lightning Jack 1:25am: Sign Zone: Christine's Garden 1:55 Sign Zone: Baby Be Mine: Journey of Love 2:55 Sign Zone: Uncharted Territory 3:55 Sign Zone: Holby City 4:55 Joins BBC News 24 So TV Gareth has been left in charge of organising the listings again this week, and Lo and behold... did he not think we’d notice that he’s just cut and pasted BBC1’s listings into thefive column, and then miraculously “lost” the real listings? It matters not, dear reader, because it has emerged dear reader today, that TV Gareth is the spitting image of the frontman from hotbed of emo talent, Hawthorne Heights. Who are pretty average. Although given that TV John looks like that doofus from My Chemical Romance and TV Grace looks like Ashlee Simpson pre-peroxide, it looks like Master Palsey is getting off scot-free. Again. Anyway, this is five, so there’s not doubt a repeat of either CSI or Prison Break on right about now, so tune in for your dose of ludicrously implausable brainfreeze television. Ahoy!
PRIMETIME
6:10 The Hoobs: Smells 6:35 The Hoobs: Combs 7:00 Transworld Sport 8:00 Freesports: Red Rail Storm 8:30 Freesports On 4 9:00 T4: One Tree Hill: Truth Doesn't Make A Noise 10:00 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:30 T4: Shipwrecked 2006: Battle Of The Islands The Virgin Islands vs The Scilly Isles. It’s like Battle Royale, only with bucktoothed inbred recluses! 1:30 T4: Friends: The One Where They All Turn Thirty 2:00 T4: The O.C.: The Perfect Storm 3:00 T4: Stargate SG-1: Reckoning 3:50 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise: In A Mirror, Darkly 4:45 Scrappy Races Rally 5:45 Time Team 6:45 Channel 4 News 7:00 Desperate Housewives 8:00 Invasion The longest and most expensive B-movie in television history continues. 9:00 Rock School I don’t see how putting Gene Simmonds in a different school makes this a different series to the one before. 10:00 Tba 12:25 Levi's One To Watch: Editors And The Kooks Ones to watch fail miserable and die on their boring, British indie arses, if there’s any justice. Isn’t it interesting how the Editors have released their album whilst Interpol are taking a break? Also, how The Kooks have released their album whilst the general intelligence of the British Public is at an alltime low? Hmmmm? 12:55 Animate Tv! 1:55 Kotv 2:20 French Football: Le Championnat Football so exciting, all the nation team play elsewhere!
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19.00 For Better or Worse 19.10 To the World's End: Jonathan Gili 20.00 Arena 21.00 Ark Royal - The Sailors' Story 22.00 Film: "Century" 24.20 This Is Genius: Lucas Wilson – Folk Legend Not to be confused with Luke Wilson, who is Owen Wilson’s inferior brother. 24.50 Rich Hall's Cattle Drive I’ve always had a lot of time for Rich Hall. So I’ll try not to let a BBC4 show called Cattle Drive change my mind. 01.20 Counter Culture Not to be confused with Over the Counter Culture, an album by The Ordinary Boys. Which is the third best album my housemate owns with a cow on the front. That good. Singer from The Ordinary Boys by the way - still not a celebrity. 01.50 Ark Royal - The Sailors' Story I keep trying to come up with a hilarious gag involving gay animals on Noah’s ark, but I’m getting my metaphors mixed. I’m like a pig in a pigpen with chickens on fire in a blood red time of afternoon hase while the sun shines. Etc. 02.50 BBC Proms 2005 04.25 Close
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6.00 GMTV 6.00 News. 6.10 The Sunday Programme 7.25 Toonattik 9.25 The Championship 10.25 Jonathan Dimbleby 11.25 American Idol 12.15 American Idol 1.05 Wales Soccer Sunday. 1.35 ITV Wales News and Weather 1.40 Volvo Ocean Race 2.40 Planet's Funniest Animals. 3.05 Best Friends 3.35 Chicken Little Movie Special 4.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries. Backstage Bedlam 5.00 Discomania 6.00 Your Century I don’t think 25 minutes would quite cover the last 100 years according to TV John. 6.25 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.40 ITV News; Weather 7.00 Coronation Street Family Album 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Wild at Heart 9.00 Agatha Christie's Marple. The Moving Finger Fnarr! 11.00 ITV News 11.10 The South Bank Show. Armando Iannucci ...Who co-wrote I’m Alan Partridge and presented The Friday/Saturday Night Armistice, before you turn your scabby student noses up. 0.10 Faith and Music. Youssou N'Dour Drinking game: every time they play a clip of Seven Seconds, take a shot. You’ll be pissed by half twelve. 0.55 Quizmania 2.35 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3.35 Redcoats 4.00 People's Court Judge Judy for people too thick to understand the legal system. Or even Judge Judy itself, for that matter. 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News I do however, highly recommend Panic! At The Disco.
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19.00 Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife 20.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 21.00 Wedding Stories 22.00 My Childhood 22.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.55 Wedding Stories 24.55 Honey We're Killing the Kids 01.50 My Childhood It’s that time of night in TV Towers where I (TV John) am pissed (vodka and diet coke) and a TV show that comes up that requires to talk to me about my miserable teenage years. I went home for a couple of days this week, and amidst all the local papers ranting and stamping their feet over Mark Oaten, it gave me time to reflect on when I was 18, and got my hair cut in a side parting for the first time, and started smoking because I was bored in my 6th form common room. What a fucking idiot I was. I also remember voting for the first time. I voted for Mark Oaten, incidentally. 02.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.20 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.50 Close
6:00am: CBeebies: Tikkabilla 6:30 Come Outside 6:45 Bobinogs 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes. Cannery Woe 7:05 The Fairly Odd Parents 7:30 Smile 10:00 Animal Park 10:45 Winter Olympics 2006 12:15pm: Wildlife on Two 12:45 Winter Olympics 2006 All right, I know it’s not hip like saying you downloaded the Arctic Monkeys album in July, but I think The Winter Olympics is great. I mean, you can shove the summer Olympics; give me people with planks stuck on their feet careering down a giant ramp and doing back flips any day of the week. There’s also that event which combines skiing - and shooting! It’s like a slow-motion excitement-free Bond film. Inspired. Ever noticed that skiiers and ice-skaters have names that make them sound like Nazis as well. Check it out. 2:35 FILM: The Great Race I wish this program wasn’t directly underneath a comment made about Nazis. 5:05 Winter Olympics 2006 7:00 Winter Olympics 2006 9:10 Top Gear Winter Olympics AKA Top Gear on Ice. 10:10 Petrolheads 10:40 Match of the Day 2 11:30 American Dad. 11:50 Family Guy. I love how BBC2 are taking the Fox approach to Family Guy and American Dad and have shoved them into the graveyard zone after six weeks. Well done. 12:15am: FILM: Nasty Neighbours Lou Carpenter takes a power drill to Max Hoylands face. 1:40 Joins BBC News 24. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Workskills in the Media: The Complete Guide 3:00 Careers 4:00 Advertising
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6:00am: Breakfast 7:35 Match of the Day 9:00 Sunday AM 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 10:55 Countryfile 11:55 The Politics Show 12:50pm: EastEnders 2:45 Six Nations Grandstand 5:00 Songs of Praise 5:35 Holiday 10 Best 6:15 Seven Man-Made Wonders 1> The Babyliss hair straighteners 2> Smirnoff triple distilled premium vodka 3> Richmond Superkings (smooth) 4> Series 3 of CSI 4> Girls Aloud 5> Speak n’ Spell, 6> Stannah Stairlifts, and 7> Girls Aloud on a Starlift presenting me with all of the above. 6:45 Antiques Roadshow 7:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00 Shipwreck Ark Royal 9:00 The Virgin Queen With Craig from the last series of Big Brother. Clearly still a queen. 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:15 The Last Tally Ho As said by an upper-middle class toff after I shove them down the nearest wishing well. 11:15 Rail Cops A what if.. approach to railway authority, I’m presuming. 11:45 FILM: Lightning Jack 1:25am: Sign Zone: Christine's Garden I wasn’t aware the car from that John Carpenter even had a garden. 1:55 Sign Zone: Baby Be Mine: Journey of Love I don’t care if this program is about adopting poor orphan kids from Iran or whatever, it’s still the most vomit-inducing heartstring-tug orientated light entertainment filth ever commited to celluloid. 2:55 Sign Zone: Uncharted Territory 3:55 Sign Zone: Holby
The Unseen Eric Morecambe C4 9pm
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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 World Cup Skiing 08:55 Hollyoaks 09:25 Hollyoaks 09:55 Hollyoaks 10:25 Hollyoaks 10:55 Hollyoaks 11:30 The Simpsons 12:00 The Simpsons 12:30 Yr Wynthos 13:00 Maniffesto 13:30 Rownd a Rownd 14:00 Rownd a Rownd 14:30 Celebrity Big Brother’s Little Brother: The Ruinion 15:30 Teithiau Trma Or Iolo 16:00 Dau Yn Un 17:00 Newyddion 17:05 Pobol Y Cwm Omnybws 19:00 Cefyn Gwlad 19:30 Mozart 250: Llyr Williams Concerto Rhif 20:00 Mozart Dechrau Canu Echrau Canmol 20:30 Er Lles Pawb: Help Llaw 21:00 Newyddion 21:10 Mozart 250: Mozart: Yr Hanes 23:10 Film: Ransom 01:20 Janet Street-Porter’s Desperate Women Nothing like Janet herself then, who needs to include the name of a popular US hit drama series in order to promote her tawdry documentary. Oh no. 02:20 Film: David and Bathsheba 04:15 30 Minutes: Whose Pension Are You Paying?
Five Minute Fun
February 13 2006
Page 35
ruiningyourlectures@gairrhydd.com
BIRMINGHAM
The Big Quiz THIS WEEK: There’s no theme
1. What’s the most expensive city in the world? A: B: C: D:
Oslo Tokyo New York Cardiff
2. What are the top 2 baby names for both sexes in England and Wales?
A: B: C: D:
Emma, Julie; Mathias, Mar tin Emily, Ellie; Jack, Joshua Lucia, Maria; Alejandro, Daniel Clare, Lucy; Thomas, Wilfred
3. Speaking of such things, what’s celebrity idiot and idiot fancier Preston (from The Ordinar y Boys) first name? A: B: C: D:
Steven Samuel Colin Joseph
4.
Who wrote Roy Keane the musical? (Actually, it’s called I, Keano.)
A: B: C: D:
Ben Elton Ar thur Matthews Graham Lineham Bono
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hy oh why would you do some of the things that we get sent pictures of? Needless to say that, although they can’t all be printed, it’s good to see you students looking on the brighter side of life. Keep’em coming in.
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are stopped - we’re stood, baffled and perplexed, the drivers are looking at us like we’re learning disabled. Stephen commits, charging on, I follow, but just late enough to nearly get killed. We finally get there, I’m a little shaken and soaked and freezing. We go to Greggs, the queue’s huge, eventually we get served, our sausage rolls are cold, there’s nowhere to sit, we stand about for a bit, eating. My sausage roll’s slimy, I’m getting pastry everywhere, I don’t like Greggs. Stephen gets a phone call, he wanders off, for ages. I loose sight of him. When he comes back, finally, he says, “we’d best get a move on, when’s the coach leaving?” I root for my ticket, look at it and say, “6.45, what time is it now?” Stephen looks at his phone, he looks chuffed, like he’s planned it, like it’s funny, and says, “6.46” Colm Loughlin
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a child seeing my breath was my favourite thing, pretending to smoke, all very exciting, until my friend Big John actually started smoking (he might have been 10, I think he was inspired by Stand By Me, that’s a proper kids movie, not the much fetishised The Goonies, that’s shit, everyone loves that; morons) - that spoiled it. We’re hungry and decide to head up to the Bullring Shopping Complex, it’s looming large in the distance, like a big metallic public toilet, I like it. Controversial architecture’s great, buildings might as well look ridiculous. I especially like it when the general public complain, “it’s an eye sore with no windows” and the like. Oh that architecture students weren’t knobheads. Pedestrian crossings in Birmingham are a nightmare, the Little Green Man never appears, even when all the cars
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t’s raining when we arrive, cold and wet. Cold I can handle but the rain makes me miserable. I don’t have an umbrella - I tell Stephen I wish I did, he says, “they don’t work anyway, they assume rain only comes straight down.” I like the idea of umbrellas making assumptions, I say, “but you can angle umbrellas according to how the rain’s falling.” He smirks, “then you’re assuming rain only falls in one direction?” I say, “mostly” and, “an umbrella would certainly be a start, especially one of those big golf ones.” He makes a dismissive noise and says, “umbrellas are for women ...” We’re in Birmingham, at a coach station, on a 40 minute stop over. Whenever I’ve been in Birmingham it’s always bitterly cold, my hands go red and I can always see my breath. As
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24
Homeless person asleep on train
Science Ed on a Monday morning
16
23
25
ACROSS
DOWN
1. Bother (7) 5. Workforce (5) 8. Correct in every detail (5) 9. Country which enters another by force (7) 10. Spiky shoe heel (8) 11. Most superior (4) 13. Silvery metal (6) 15. Uncle or aunt’s child (6) 18. Pale red (4) 19. Football official (8) 22. Unvarying (7) 23. Evenly balanced (5) 24. Evil spirit (5) 25. Dwells (7)
1. Betrayal (7) 2. Giraffe-like ruminant (5) 3. Hit repeatedly (8) 4. Orders (6) 5. Put aside money (4) 6. Details of location (7) 7. Earliest in time (5) 12. Inadequate (8) 14. Prove to be true (7) 16. Perplex (7) 17. Less well lit (6) 18. Enclosure for stray animals (5) 20. Form, pattern (5) 21. Robe (4)
Jobs & Money
Page 36
February 13 2006
jobs@gairrhydd.com
SOLICITING ADVICE Fancy a career in law? Cardiff graduate Nicola Owen lifts the lid on what life as a trainee solicitor is really like
N
otoriously competitive and often difficult to get, training contracts with a law firm can be the Holy Grail for many law graduates. So much so that the Law Society recommends that you begin applying for training posts in the second year of your undergraduate studies. I graduated from Cardiff University with a law undergraduate degree and a Legal Practice Course postgraduate qualification under my belt before starting life as a trainee with Dolmans Solicitors in Cardiff. Life as a trainee is a real mix of highs and lows, so let's start with the lows: Following three years at Cardiff University gaining my undergraduate degree, I decided to get into even more student debt by doing my Legal Practice Course (LPC) postgraduate qualification at the university.
Firms require trainees to pull ‘all-nighters’ Training to be a solicitor is expensive with most graduates shelling out over £7,000 to complete this one year course. Following the LPC, students have to complete a two year training contract with a law firm before
the supervision and the rotational system you quickly build up your confidence, expertise and knowledge. Dolmans provides extra support via its mentoring system in which a member of staff is allocated to each trainee to advise where necessary.
Highlights have been attending trials and interviewing witnesses
NICOLA OWEN: Hitting the books to qualification as a solicitor. The national minimum is currently approximately £15,000 a year, with many trainees 'opting out' of the minimum and accepting less. Gaining a training contract does not guarantee a job on completion.
keep up with the fast pace of life at It is effectively a two-year ‘interview'. Work wise, life can be hard at times with the brightest, most well paid and most successful trainees sacrificing their quality of life for their job. However, office hours at
law firms. Dolmans are very good, starting from 9.00am and typically ending at 5.30pm with a final shutdown of 8.30pm, but it is not unusual for other firms to require trainees to pull 'all-nighters' regularly.
Most graduates shell out over £7,000 to complete this one year course. I am conscious of the fact that so far I seem to have painted a pretty bleak picture for those considering a career in law, due to the long hours, poor pay and constant scrutiny from those around you, coupled with the uncertainty of not knowing if you will still be at the firm at the end of your two years. Yet, despite all this there are many genuine highs: Firstly there is the satisfaction of learning how to do the job of a solicitor, taking on board the theory you have gained over the last four years and putting it into practice. Although the work we do is constantly being supervised and monitored we do deal with real life cases. As an example, highlights for me to date have been attending trials, interviewing witnesses and attending before a judge. In addition, trainees at Dolmans are placed on four six-monthly 'seats' on a rotated system. With
The other highlight for me has been being able to do my training on the Cardiff circuit. When I came to Cardiff in 1999 I was determined not to ever leave again! Dolmans attracted me as it is a reputable Cardiff firm that took a more personal and traditional approach to law, in comparison with the larger corporate firms around. Talking of the legal community, a definite highlight is that although we work hard, we also play hard! I have recently been appointed chairperson of the South Wales Trainee Solicitors Group committee, an enthusiastic team of trainees that ensure the 300+ membership are provided with regular sporting, social and recruitment events, with a particular weekly highlight being after-work drinks on Friday - the nearest I get to a student drinking session these days! I also keep myself busy as captain of a very successful netball team with over thirty members. I originally set up the team to involve trainee solicitors from the multitude of law firms in Cardiff as I was conscious that not everyone had been as fortunate as me. Often, trainees have to move to a different area of the UK to accept a training contract and, thus, may be unfamiliar with the area and know very few people. The team has now grown to include girls from various professions, and we play netball every week in addition to the regular socials.
Gaining a training contract does not guarantee a job on completion. So, how would I sum up life as a trainee? Hard work with no real financial benefits at the outset but worth it in the end. You learn new things every day, you get plenty of support and supervision throughout, and your diary is constantly busy with social events, much like university.
‘Scopes & Jobs
February 13 2006
Page 37
jobs@gairrhydd.com
Helping the needy with Crystal Pants
ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 This week you will realise you are no longer equipped to write horoscopes because you have no knowledge or awareness of anything astrological. You are aware you have told many many many members of the student population they will die in horrific ways, and know that many many many more will in the coming term, but that it is no longer your place to tell them as you have channelled all the wisdom you can. And thus pass on the baton of sky void wisdom to a new horoscopial athlete. Fear not for I'm certain they will detest you as I do. TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21 You will emerge from a camera-filled house of celebrities and shamelessly sell both your story and your naked torso to any publisher willing to give you slag cash. However big or small the sum, you will tell them anything they want to hear and maintain that a twat is everyone's perfect future wife. GEMINI - May 22 - Jun 22 This year you'll realise that you are the only Gemini without an identical twin. You will ask 'what did I do to BE so unlucky?' Your friends will tell you it’s probably your strange use of emphasis in sentences. You search for the twin hero inside yourself and find them. You shut yourself off from society and retreat into the hilarious twin sitcom of your mind; switching clothes with your twin to avoid detention and keep your dates with boys, until your parents ground you for trying to pull the twin wool over their eyes. CANCER - June 23 - July 23 This year will be much the same as last year, and the one before and indeed any year in your glistening future. You will buy an umbrella and rejoice in its design. It will never rain again. Cheeky Mars will anonymously 'tip off' the agricultural community that you are the reason their crops are dead. They will inform the general public that the infamous 'hosepipe ban' of 2006 is all down to you. In an attempt at irony they will all collect together their last bucket of water and wash you away with their contempt. LEO - July 24 - Aug 23 Badgers will get you this year. They've had their badgering eyes on you for years, BUT THIS IS THE YEAR. Ripe. Do not try to resist them. It will be futile. They are big and multi-shaded so go with it, they can be alarmingly tender. The one in the hat is king and is cruel, stare at his nose and he will feel at one with the human and fear will be a distant memory of a time when you lived amongst those that did not understand. You are one of them now. VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 Sure you have a nut allergy, and you're annoying, BUT, do you ever hear African babes complaining about nuts? Fucking selfish. If you don't sort this inherent abhorrence out you'll have no friends left. The starving kids you give so generously to every month will return your money with a picture of a nut and a caption saying 'when you're hungry you'll eat anything, you selfish cunt', and I doubt you'll even have the integrity to feel ashamed,
LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23 This year the stars will guide you to many a public monument and tourist site. Take your wee penny whistle with you, toot out a tune, and you'll unwittingly convince the world you are the pied piper incarnate and that the fleets of shitting tourists are there purely for your melody. Blair will send you and your whistle into war, hoping the masses will follow. They won't. SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 Over the festive period Daniel O'Donnell has been busy dying. Hoorah you may quite rightly cry but alas we all know the old dears will stop at nothing to roll away the boulder and resurrect his blasphemous being. When I say blasphemous I mean to say I don't like him. I'm sure he's very wary of slandering his lord and saviour, but if I were his lord and saviour his very presence would be blasphemous to me. SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 This week you're put on trial for the monotony of your own existence, which is a bummer. Also your mum will send you a bulk of bank statements, you'll realise if the waiting list for Deal or Noel Deal doesn't speed up you will forever be worth nothing. You'd be worth more to your family dead than alive. Upon killing yourself later in the year your family will discover your life was worth nothing because what 20-something year old takes out life insurance, life insurancehahaha. CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 The bulb went in your bedroom so long ago now that your eyes have adjusted completely and fully to the dark; to the extent where light is repugnant to you and offends your very eyes. Thus you rage against the sun, you rage against the lamp, you rage against the flame. You offend them all and the stars make you a fluorescent ball and you rage against yourself, nothing masks your glow or shape and you feel shame, and others sense your shame and pity you. You hate pity more than you hate light or balls so now you rage against all people and sports and you are bitter and miserable and fluorescent. AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 I am Harold Bishop, my hate will turn me into a giant and I will preach wrath. I am Paul Robinson and my longing will reduce me to my lost lower leg. I am Serena and I am dead and perky gone, I did good gasps in the sea. Redeemed? Not quite. I am Dillon and this girl dreams sexy thoughts about me and horses, same difference? I am Toadie and I get hit by a ball every day and can't make sense of it. I am Brie and I look like a lovable potato, I am good. PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Buy an apple paperweight for a teacher and watch their face light up. Make it your quest to discover what talcum powder is even used for. Only blow-dry your hair on alternate Tuesdays, your head is at great risk this coming year. In short, love to travel but do not make the road your home. If you do, wear a car mask and then you won't be picked on.
Swydd/Job:
Sales Assistant/Receptionist x 2
Swydd/Job:
Match Day Stewards
Ardal/Area:
Cardiff Bay
Ardal/Area:
Cardiff
Tal/Wage:
£5.20 per hour
Tal/Wage:
£5.05 per hour
Oriau/Hours:
Sat & Sun & summer vacation
Oriau/Hours:
Match Day Vacancies
Parhad/Duration: February-October 2006
Parhad/Duration: Ongoing
Manylion/Details: Required by Bayside
Manylion/Details: Cardiff City Football Club is
optometrists selling sunglasses
looking for stewards to work at
and frames to Cardiff's fashion
its home ground on match days.
icons! You will be involved in fashion sales including sun glasses. Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
079
Swydd/Job:
Part-Time Sales Assistant
Ardal/Area:
Cowbridge, Cardiff
Tal/Wage:
£5.05p/hr
Oriau/Hours:
ASAP
Parhad/Duration: Flexible hours available Manylion/Details: Ski and snowboard shop require a part-time Sales Assistant. Duties will include the daily run ning, cleaning, re-stocking and dealing with customers.
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
077
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
081
CALLING ALL EXPERIENCED BAR & WAITING STAFF!
Want to earn some extra money? We have lots of work available during the forthcoming Rugby International weekends (12 February/11 & 18 March). CONTACT UNISTAFF JOBSHOP: 029 20781535 OR COME INTO SEE US: GROUND FLOOR S/U.
UNISTAFF JOBSHOP is a great FREE service for students. We are here to help you find part-time work while you study. Work is available within the University and Students' Union as well as with local companies. You can choose from one-off assignments or more regular part-time work. Once registered with us, you will receive regular free updates of new vacancies as they come in via email. The Jobshop is based on the ground floor of the Students' Union (opening hours 10am-4pm Monday-Friday). Telephone: 029 20781535, Email: jobshop@cf.ac.uk
Page 38
s g n i t Lis
Recommended listings@gairrhydd.com
The now touching-cloth gair This Week: Star-crossed lovers, some puns,
Romeo and Juliet
T im V ine @ The Sherman
@ New Theatre
Tues. 14th Feb
Tues. 14th Feb 7.30pm / £8
7.30pm/ £10 Listings recommends
I
have the solution to your Valentine’s problems: A good laugh with quick-fire comedian Tim Vine (though I’d get permission first!) Tim is well known on the comedy circuit for having more punch lines per minute than any other comedian. At full pelt Tim sprays out ten jokes a minute. Tim is also no stranger to television and can be seen in the second series of The Sketch Show. The first series recently won a BAFTA award for best comedy show. His other credits include Royal Variety Performance, and The Comedy Store. He has also been the host of Fluke, shortlisted for a Montreux Golden Globe Award, Whittle for, Housemates as well as his own show The Tim Vine Christmas Present. Tim was also the first man to appear on Channel 5 co-hosting the first show they broadcast called This is Five and guest host on Not
Poker @ CF10 Fri. 17th Feb Listings recommends
O
riginally by the great Bill Shakespeare, this version of the classic play gets a little treatment from director Bill Bryden, with design from Hayden Griffin and music from John Tams. This stage production, running all week at the New Theatre, stars Su Pollard and Gerald Harper. The world of fifteenth century Italy is a complex web of intrigue and open warfare. Friendship, marriage and business develop through loyalty to your own kind. Family allegiance binds people together but divides neighbours. This is the story of Romeo and Juliet. Two people bound by love but
7pm / £FREE separated by blood. Determined that their union should overcome generations of hate. The passion of Montague and Capulet will lead to tragedy. This fast paced, stylish production of Shakespeare’s passionate tale of “star-cross’d lovers” is directed by Bill Bryden. A former Associate Director at the National Theatre, his work there included Larkrise to Candleford, The Iceman Cometh, Glengarry Glen Ross and The Mystery Plays. For TV he devised the BAFTA Award winning series Tutti Frutti and was Executive Producer on Takin’ Over the Asylum. This brand new Romeo & Juliet promises to be a very special ver-
February 13 2006
sion of the world's greatest love story. It runs on the 14th, which may of course be of interest to some of you, well those of you who are going to do anything to celebrate the day that is hated as much by couples as it is individuals. Why not treat the lady (or man) to a romantic night out at the theatre, with a story of love and deeption (though the latter may not be ideal to bring up on Valentine’s Day itself). Tickets start at a very reasonable £8.
P ic k e of th k We e
Listings recommends
I
t’s time to dust off those chips, make a trip to the ATM, and practice those poker faces in the mirror. SUBtv and Titan Poker are coming together and holding a live poker tournament for Cardiff students on the February 17 at 7pm in CF10. Probably the best thing about this is that it’s totally free for students to enter and play in. Titan Student Poker have got their schedule swiftly up and running and are now heading out on the university circuit. Running along with the weekly
The Jack Docherty Show. Tim has also appeared on The Des O'Connor Show, Saturday Live, Talking Telephone Numbers, The Stand-up Show, Call my Bluff, Give us a Clue, and Night Fever. At home doing stand-up, Tim’s show, I’m Vine Thanks has sold out at the Edinburgh Festival for last five years recieving rave reviews. Scotland on Sunday said: "He's magnificent and like no-one else in Edinburgh". Tim received critical acclaim for his performances at the Montreal Just for Laughs comedy festival and also won the 'Best Newcomer' Perrier Award in 1995. If you still still aren’t convinced, then just check out some of his jokes below.
Tim Vine s Puns I was reading a book...'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books’. So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.
online free-roll qualifiers, Titan Student are venturing around the UK, holding free-roll qualifying tournaments with a seat in the semi-final and additional prizes to boot. On Thursday January 26 they began their tour, stoppping at universities such as John Moores University in Liverpool and Aberystwyth Uni. The event is popular and regularly attracts over 50 players, with the regional winners scooping the top prize of a Seat in the Semifinals, a 500 Chip Poker Set, and an iPod Nano. Not bad then for a night’s work. The event hits Cardiff this week, so if you’re keen on landing some lovely free gear and a chance to fight it out in the semi-final with some of the best student poker players in the country, then make sure you find yourself at CF10 this Friday for a night of good, friendly, competition, with some brilliant prizes.
Coming Up
Big Brother 7 Auditions - Weds 22 February @ City Hall ... Kanye West - Weds 22 February @ C.I.A ... !Forward, Russia! - Fri 24 February @ Barfly ... Jack Jackson - Thurs 2 March @ C.I.A ... X-Factor Tour Live - Sun 5 March @ C.I.A ... Arctic Monkeys - Fri 21 April @ Newport Centre ... Panic! At The Disco - Weds 19 April @ Barfly
Pa nic ! At th e Dis co
February 13 2006
Day By Day
Page 39
listings@gairrhydd.com
rhydd listings, with Schmit and everyone’s favourite day, Valentine’s Day
Monday13/02
Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am. Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise. X Factory @ The Taf Legendary X-press DJs. 9pm-1am FREE New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably. Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer. I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger Five rooms, five bars, two dancing rooms, private booths. Tonight: Valentine’s Black and White Ball 9.30pm. £3/4 NUS. Monday Live @ Buffalo Bar The latest rock and indie tunes. 9pm - 2am. £2/3. Parked @ The Social (Salisbury Rd) New weekly live indie music night. This weeks acts are Red City / The Jack of Hearts band. 8pm. £2 before 9pm. Live @ Barfly Covergirl / Beyond All Reason / Four Ways To Fall / The Alternative Ending. No punches pulled, bands come and go, but every now and then you come across one that has that something extra. Covergirl’s catalogue of melodycore rips out at a tempo and speed that excites immediately. 7.30pm. £4.
Tuesday14/02
Comedy Club @ CF10, SU The weekly comedy night in CF10. See the posters around the Union for this weeks line up. 8-11pm.£4 NUS. Soul Motion@Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm-2am. Free. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Once upon a time... (No, that's not right) A long time ago, in a galaxy... (That's not right either) Many years ago (somewhere in 198?), Cardiff University Rock Society started a small rock disco... 9pm. £2.50 Forecast @ Buffalo Bar Forecast Presents: Jack Rose / Chris Corsano. Chris delivers an extraordinary solo drum show which incorporates jazz and rock styles in a remarkable flow of free improvisation. 8pm. £6. Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Little Man Tate / The Suffrajets / Jonah. The perfect post-Arctic Monkeys band and with the industry all over them like a rash it's gonna happen – and rightly so. 7.30pm. £5.
Wednesday15/02
Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU Get back in the swing of the party life. See posters around the union for this terms themes. 10pm. £3. Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music: aucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3. Traffic @ Philharmonic Cardiff’s dj and clubbing society takes over the decks, playing house music until 1 in the morning. 9pm. Panic @ Barfly The very latest and great Indie hits. A brand spanking new FREE ENTRY clubnight. 10.30pm. Eay the DJ @ Buffalo Bar Resident DJs. FREE. Roots Hall @ Moloko Resident DJs / Phoenix Emily / DJ Truth. 8pm. FREE. Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly
Louie / Echomind / Dogzuki. Fast paced, Angus Young/Kaiser Chiefs bedlam. Louie are reaching a new cusp of rock & roll, which is appealing to a wide spread audience. With their energetic presence it’s impossible not to move when experiencing a live show. Louie simply have, IT, and to miss an opportunity for them to stun you should be made illegal. 7.30pm. £5.
Pick Of The Day Live @ The Point Adlers Appetite / Adam Bomb. Steven Adler, former sticksman for Guns & Roses and rock n roll living legend will be rockin' the Point tonight with his new band Adlers Appetite. Expect to hear all of the Guns & Roses classics. 7.30 pm.£10 (plus booking fee).
Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Shaped By Fate / Azriel / Architects / By My Hands. Harsh vocals, metal-core riffing all juxtaposed mightily impressively against an often melodic musical backdrop. 7.30pm. £6. 7.30pm. £6. Jazz on the Level @ St. David’s Hall The Meier Group. 8pm. £10. Tim Vine @ Sherman Theatre See facing page for further details. Valentines Day @ Gassy Jacks Traffic light party and speed dating. 8pm. £1£2.
Romeo and Juliet @ New Theatre William Shakespeare’s classic play of starcrossed lovers visits the New Theatre. This version is directed by Bill Bryden and stars Su Pollard and Gerald Harper. For further details of this event please see the facing page. Tickets start at a very reasonable £8.
Friday17/02
Saturday18/02
Sunday19/02
Fat Friday @ Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv. Poker @ CF10 The nationwide student poker event comes to Cardiff. See this weeks pick of the week for more information regarding this event. 7.30pm. £ FREE The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4. Mad4It! @ Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever. 10.30pm-2am. £3. Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm. Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm. Audio Velvet @ Buffalo Bar Weekly party action of new music mixed with beat driven mayhem from the past, present and future. 8pm. £2/3. Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Panel / Donde Stars / Last Partisan. Panel solidified into a real-life band back in their native South Wales in June of 2000. Aggressive, complex metal-tinged hardcore that's serious, but not po-faced; passionate, but never cloying. 8pm. £5. Pick Of The Day Live @ The Barfly Vincent Vincent And The Villains / Jamie T / Dancing Bullets. Rumbling from their twobit attic fixed as rehearsal room to the parks, backstreets, hallways and rooftops of London. The Villains and their tumble followers are getting noticed. They’re heading straight to the top of big time entertainment. Vincent Vincent and the Villains. Watch for them. Ask for them. 7.30pm. £6.
Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. TRAFFIC (dj and clubbing society) playing house music in the other. 10pm. £3.50. Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday. 9pm - 2am. Delinquent @ Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4. Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) £4/3 10pm – 2.30am. Live @ Barfly The Other Smiths & Morrissey 1984-2005. The Other Smiths are commonly acknowledged as one of the best tributes worldwide. 7.30pm. £8. Pick Of The Day Sleep in @ Bed After a heavy night (and week) just stay in bed all day. Put the footy on. My Friend Snow @ Sherman Theatre As snow clouds gather around the castle turrets, Jape the Jester dreams of being as funny as his famous dad. But how can Jape live up to everyone's expectations? All seems hopeless until the most mysterious and extraordinary new friend appears, as if from nowhere. Together they discover that within every dark cloud there can be a silver lining...2pm. £6.
Live @ Great Hall Base Invaders Nightlife 3 Tour. 7pm. £12.50. Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case, the wrong ones. MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm. Pub Quiz @ Woodville Yet another Sunday night quiz to ponder over. 7pm. Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1. Open Mic @ Buffalo Bar Live acoustic acts, songwriters, bands and performers every week. 8pm. £2. Live @ Barfly The Modern / Roland Shanks / Juliet. The Modern bask in a sexier, synthetic and forward-thinking space. Obsessed with glamour, theatricality, synthesizers and style, they’re pure pop with brains and balls, electroclash with warmth and tunes, with a sharp New Wave edge that makes them appealing to rubber-clad Goths, New Cross indie scenesters and unashamed pop kids alike. 7.30pm. £6. Pick Of The Day Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Whitehouse / Aidswolf / That Fucking Tank/ Gindrinker.The first ever Welsh show from veteran musical extremists Whitehouse. Feted by musical luminaries from Aphex Twin to Steve Albini, tonight sees these brutal UK noise pioneers debuting material from their new album. 8pm. £6. Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Twisted by Design presents The Jeffrey Lewis Band / Sweet Baboo. . 8pm. £7. The Fourth Chair @ The Social Some great improvised comedy.7.30pm. £ FREE.
Thursday16/02
Livewire @ Barfly Firing up every metal cylinder, punk piston, and hardcore harddrive. Good music, no dress code, and idiot free... Did I mention its FREE ENTRY Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese. Does exactly what it say on the tin, with drinks being cheaper than a bag of McCains. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am. Aperture @ Moloko Resident DJs / High Contrast / True Meaning / Specific / DJ Focus / DJ Haze / DJ Cujo / Carnage / Fresco / West One. 8pm. FREE before 11pm. Clubnight @ La Tropicana Hip Hop and R&B student night. 10pm. Cookie Puss @ Buffalo Bar The real deal mix of non re-issue funk 45s, soul melodies, afro, freakbeat and a nice bit of jazz. 9pm. £2/3. Loco @ La Tantra Open until 4am. Raise the Roof @ Journeys (1-2 Upper Clifton St) New and local live music - different genres each week. Pick Of The Day Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Frank Turner (Million Dead) The dissolution of Million Dead late last year robbed the UK of one of its finest, most cerebral rock bands, but vocalist Frank Turner was never one to rest upon his laurels. He ventures back into the music business with an acoustic project. 7.30pm. £5. Battle of the Bands @ Talybont Social Run by the LMS and it wiill be running over the next 6 weeks. Live @ Barfly UK Guns N' Roses (Bad Obsession). They were at the Union last year, and provide a good bit of nostalgia. 7pm. FREE
VENUES Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com
Deloitte IMG
Page 40
February 13 2006
weloveimg@gairrhydd.com
DELOITTE IMG FOOTBALL menon on the match ROUND 2
THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST DELOITTE IMG NETBALL ROUND 4 IMG Netball
Premiership P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
4
4
0
0
60
12
1
Cardiff A
2
Socsi A
4
3
0
1
31
9
3
Carbs A
4
3
0
1
16
9
4
Cardiff B
4
2
1
1
10
7
5
Law B
4
2
0
2
-7
6
6
SAWSA
4
1
1
2
-20
4
7
Stringfellows A
4
0
0
4
-48
0
8
Medics A * *
4
0
0
4
-59
-6
IMG Netball
Division One P
W
D
L
Diff
Law A
3
3
0
0
31
9
2
Carbs B
3
2
0
1
15
6
3
Economics
3
2
0
1
11
6
4
Pharmacy A
3
2
0
1
1
6
5
Chem Soc
3
1
0
2
-18
6
6
English Soc
3
1
0
2
7
3
7
Dynamo Tigers
3
0
0
2
-2
3
8
German Soc
3
0
0
3
-45
0
1
Stringfellows B
NETBALL
NUMBER OF GOALS: 59 Goals, 3.6875 goals per game WHIPPING BOYS: Myg Myg, losing 7-1 to AFC Momed. SURPRISE PACKAGE: History for thrashing Zoology 6-1 in what was billed as a close game. EPIC GAME: English scraped a win thanks to a lastgasp header off the line against Euros. CONSISTENT PERFORMER: Arse’Alona, 9 games, 9 wins, enough said. Can anyone stop them? TEAM OF THE WEEK: Momed performed well but Real Madras get the nod for recording their first IMG points. Well done lads.
IMG Football
IMG Netball Results
IMG Football Results
IMG Football
Sat 4 Feb Medics A 7 Carbs A 17 Cardiff A 18 SAWSA 0
-
8 Cardiff B 7 S’fellows A 7 Law B 20 Socsi A
Wed 11 Feb Law A 15 Pharmacy A 12 Chem Soc 8 Economics 13
-
8 3 5 7
English Soc German Soc Carbs B Dyn. Tigers
Medics A 0 SAWSA 0 Cardiff B 14 Socsi A 8
-
20 Carbs A 20 Law B 4 S’fellows A 16 Cardiff A
IMG Netball Fixtures
Division Two P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
3
3
0
0
41
9
2
Pharmacy B
3
3
0
0
37
9
3
Christ Union
3
2
0
1
19
6
4
Engin Girls
3
1
0
2
5
3
5
Socsi B
3
1
0
2
4
3
6
Optometry
3
1
0
2
-26
0
7
Gym Gym *
3
1
0
2
-20
-3
8
Medics B * *
3
0
0
3
-60
-6
FOOTBALL
NUMBER OF GOALS: 237 Goals, 19.75 goals per game GOLDEN GIRLS: Cardiff A, with 34 goals in 2 games SURPRISE PACKAGE: Chem Soc upset the odds with a narrow win over high-flying Carbs B EPIC GAME: Medics A v Cardiff B, a tight encounter with only one goal in it. CONSISTENT PERFORMERS: Cardiff A and Law B maintained their 100% records in Phase 2. TEAM OF THE WEEK: A tough one this week. Chem Soc for recording their first Phase 2 win against a tough Carbs B side.
Pts
1
IMG Netball
Dave Menon delivers his verdict on another week of IMG madness
Sat 11 Feb Christ Union Socsi B Pharmacy B Medics B
v v v v
Optometry Engin Girls S’fellows B Gym Gym
Wed 15 Feb Medics A Socsi A Cardiff B SAWSA
v v v v
Cardiff A Carbs A Law B S’fellows A
Socsi B Pharmacy B Medics B Christ Union
v v v v
Optometry Gym Gym S’fellows B Engin Girls
Carbs Locomotive Economics Chem Soc
1 2 0 2
-
0 0 3 1
Cardiff Uni Law A Arse’Alona Pharm AC
History Law B Gym Gym Dragons
6 3 0 4
-
1 1 1 3
Zoology Automotive Ab. Fantastic Hurricanes
English Soc JOMEC Real Havana Myg Myg
3 1 0 1
-
2 1 1 7
AFC Euros Psycho Ath. Dynamo Cen. AFC Momed
Euros Lang Dental Utd AFC Cathays Inter Me-Nan
3 0 2 0
-
1 3 2 4
Japsoc Real Madras Architecture Plan’kos
IMG Football Fixtures Carbs Locomotive Economics Chem Soc
v v v v
Law A Cardiff Uni Pharm AC Arse’Alona
History Law B Gym Gym Dragons
v v v v
Automotive Zoology Hurricanes Ab. Fantastic
English Soc JOMEC Real Havana Myg Myg
v v v v
Psycho Ath. AFC Euros AFC Momed Dynamo Cen.
Euros Lang Dental Utd AFC Cathays Inter Me-Nan
v v v v
Real Madras Japsoc Plan’kos Architecture
CLASSY CARBS FITTING DRAW CARBS 3 LOCOMOTIVE 2 (PREM) By Matt Malsly IMG Reporter A LAST-MINUTE goal from Andy Eversleigh ensured Carbs began 2006 with a win a fortnight ago. The Carbs ‘goal machine’ broke through the Locomotive rearguard and slotted past the approaching keeper to grab his 20th goal of the season. It was a frustrating day for Locomotive who fought back after trailing 2-0 at half-time. Carbs looked dangerous in the early stages and were rewarded when captain Andrew Sargent drilled home from 18 yards out. The score soon became 2-0 when Everleigh’s low cross was bundled in by a Locomotive defender.
Locomotive improved after the break and their pressure produced instant success. After Joel Udoh’s shot was saved, David Williams fired home the rebound to reduce the deficit. Engine completed their fightback with ten minutes left thanks to another own goal. After a calamitous mix-up in the Carbs defence, a misguided clearance flew over goalkeeper Chris Martin’s head before reaching the net. Nevertheless Carbs grabbed all three points in a thrilling Premiership encounter. Since that result, Carbs are now 2nd after an impressive 1-0 victory over Cardiff Uni in what proved to be an absorbing game. Locomotive beat Law A 2-0 and currently lie in 3rd place.
JOMEC 1 PSYCHO ATH. 1 (DIV 2) By Marc Jones IMG Reporter IN A CLOSE encounter, both sides cancelled each other out in windy conditions last Wednesday. Despite having no substitutes, Psycho started brightly after turning early JOMEC pressure into counter-attacks of their own. Their resolve was soon followed by an opening goal as Tom Beesley took full advantage of a JOMEC defensive error. JOMEC improved after the break and hit back thanks to a magnificent Marc Jones volley from 20 yards. The equaliser rasied the JOMEC spirits as Atkinson had a shot saved from the Psycho goalkeeper.
Premiership P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
2
0
0
4
6
1
Arse’Alona
2
2
Carbs
2
2
0
0
2
6
3
Locomotive
2
1
0
1
1
3
4
Economics
2
1
0
1
0
3
5
Chem Soc
2
0
1
0
-2
3
6
Cardiff Uni
2
0
1
1
-1
1
7
Law A
2
0
1
1
-2
1
8
Pharm AC
2
0
0
2
-2
0
Division One P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
1
History
2
2
0
0
6
6
2
Ab. Fantastic
2
2
0
0
5
6
3
Gym Gym
2
1
0
1
7
3
4
Law B
2
1
0
1
1
3
5
Zoology
2
1
0
1
-2
3
6
Dragons
2
1
0
1
-7
3
7
Automotive
2
0
0
2
-5
0
8
Hurricanes
2
0
0
2
-5
0
IMG Football
Division Two P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
2
0
0
7
6
1
AFC Momed
2
2
English Soc
2
2
0
0
4
6
3
AFC Euros
2
1
0
1
2
3
4
Real Havana
2
1
0
0
1
3
5
Dynamo Cen.
2
1
0
1
0
3
6
JOMEC
2
0
1
1
-1
1
7
Psycho Ath.
2
0
0
1
-1
1
8
Myg Myg
2
0
0
2
-8
0
IMG Football
Division Three P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
1
Euros Lang
2
2
0
0
4
6
2
Architecture
2
1
1
0
1
4
3 Plan’kos 0 1 3 3 1 2 Subsequently Blackledge almost put JOMEC in front from Japsoc 4 1 0 1 2 3 2 a corner but his effort was 5 Real Madras 0 1 -1 3 1 2 cleared off the line. Fortunately for Psycho, AFC Cathays 6 0 2 0 0 2 2 JOMEC spurned these opportu7 Inter Me-Nan 1 1 -4 1 0 2 nities and the match petered out into a draw. 8 Dental Utd 0 0 2 -5 0 2 When the final whistle blew, both teams acknowledged the result was fitting, yet desperately disappointing. But both sides can take com- FOOTBALL: This week the game to watch could be Law B v fort from securing their first Zoology. Both teams currently have 3 points and the winner could join Phase 2 point after losing their the running in what appears to be a wide open Division One. opening games. JOMEC currently lie in 6th NETBALL: This week on-song Socsi A and Carbs A meet each other place, whereas Psycho are in 7th in what should be a classic. Both sides are currently on 9 points and fighting for second place, assuming Cardiff A keep winning. due to scoring less goals. Next week JOMEC are up against AFC Euros, whilst Psycho face an English side who have won three consecutive IMG games.
AHEAD OF THE GAME
ANY QUERIES, ANY PROBLEMS EMAIL weloveimg@gairrhydd.com
Sport
February 13 2006
Page 41
sport@gairrhydd.com
LONG WAY TO COME By Paul Hunt Sport Reporter
FOOTBALL AND I need to enjoy some time apart. The Premiership title race is over, the transfer window has closed, the cricketers are about to begin a new series in India, and the Six Nations are underway time for us to take a break. Between the busy holiday fixture programme, the January wheeling and dealing, and the furor surrounding Sven and the England manager’s job, football has grabbed quite enough headlines for the time being. Otherwise, by the time the World Cup comes about, we’ll all have been suffocated by the game’s coverage. Maybe I’ve brought it on myself by paying far too much attention to it all. Watching Sky Sports News for three hours a day and checking the online “transfer window special” page every 20 minutes throughout January is bound to take its toll. Maybe it’s more of an asphyxiwank than suffocation. It’s hard to imagine anyone consuming that much football without their enthusiasm ultimately waning a little. The title was decided weeks ago, and so long as one club is prepared to laugh of annual losses of 140 million pounds, it’ll remain a forgone conclusion. With Sven, he was unlikely to have stayed in the job beyond the World Cup anyway, and with no outstanding English managers and our innocence lost when we climbed into bed with a foreigner, we’re likely to end up with another overseas coach. Time to put football to one side and head back to it come the spring. The Six Nations is likely to provide an absorbing distraction. What a treat to have a battle worth watching, as opposed to the Premiership a competition without a contest. Finally, a look at the markets and the big movers over the holiday period. Stocks in Eriksson, Henson and Henman plummeted, while Walcott, Federer and Allardyce enjoyed massive growth. Tips for the aggressive investor include Aaron Lennon, Gonzalo Canale and Monty Panesar.
WANTED: Big Sam
SOUTHAMPTON: Long journey, empty hands possibly deserved a yellow card. Southampton soon got the punishment they deserved, Freshman deflecting the free hit into the goal from two metres. Cardiff’s advantage would only last a few minutes as Southampton pulled a goal back just two minutes later and were level after the break. Cardiff failed to clear their lines and, in spite of a good save by Ferguson after a fierce shot just inside the area the ball found the net, with the Saints’ player being the first to the loose ball. The second was tapped in at the
PHOTO: James Perou
By Ed Jones Sport Editor
CARDIFF CAPPED a good season by securing the Western Conference league title after beating second-placed Southampton 42 in last Wednesday’s dramatic deciding game. Cardiff pressured the Southampton defence all game, with forwards Nick Gough and Paul Hayes working hard and thoroughly earning their goals. Gough got the first for Cardiff inside three minutes. He robbed the Southampton centre-back on the quarter line and forged into the D, only to be pushed off the ball by the recovering Southampton player. He fired through the keeper’s legs from the resulting short-corner. The travelling support managed to rouse their team after the early setback and the first half was a very even affair. Southampton had a short-corner of their own after several fouls in the Cardiff defensive quarter. Their shooting wasn’t as accurate as that of Cardiff though. Goalkeeper Ian Ferguson was able to save easily with his stick. The umpires had to talk to players of both teams before the end of the half as the tension boiled over into petty fouls and heated words, and it was in this vain that Cardiff scored their second. Martin Freshman was cynically tripped after dispossessing the Southampton midfield in a move that
PHOTO: James Perou
Cardiff 1sts .......................4 Southampton 1sts .............2
back post from a free hit across the D. Cardiff didn’t panic and were soon able to restore their advantage. It was the captain, Duncan Courtney, who pressured the Saints’ midfield into a mistake. Cardiff then overran the beleaguered Southampton defence, Hayes finished but, in truth, it could have been any of the Cardiff forwards. Cardiff were dominating at 3-2 and the frustration in the Southampton ranks was audible from the touchline ,as the Captain was told to control his substitutes who were questioning the
NETBALLERS NECK AND NECK
By Guy Martin Sport Reporter Cardiff Netball 1sts .........36 UWIC Netball 1sts...........36
FREESCORERS: Too close to call
quality of the refereeing through a megaphone with some ill advised banter. The Southampton subs could have no complaints about Cardiff’s fourth. Gough crossed from the goal line for Henry Cole to finish at the back post. Southampton had a chance to make a game of it in the last ten minutes but hit the post, handing Cardiff the title. Having won the Western Conference, Cardiff will now playoff with the University of Kent for a place in the BUSA Southern Premier division for next season.
CARDIFF PUT on a brilliant team performance to tie a thrilling match against UWIC. A tense finale saw both sides having chances to win the game, though a draw was the final result. This was Cardiff’s last match in the BUSA League, and it was important they put in a strong performance before they moved into the playoffs. Cardiff certainly achieved this aim, and it shows the improvement Cardiff have made that they drew against a UWIC side that had beaten them earlier in the season. Cardiff started the stronger of the two teams, with goal-shooter Sophie Vaughan scoring easily. Her goals gave Cardiff a 13-9 lead after just the first quarter. Wing-attack Philippa Turner was also pivotal in setting up attacks, helping Cardiff to enjoy most of the possession and chances. At the halfway stage UWIC looked to be struggling, trailing 22-16.
But a UWIC rally after the break saw them level, and early in the final quarter they went ahead. At this stage both teams pushed forward in search of the win, making for an exciting finish. This was when the Cardiff team showed their character, time and again they came from behind in order to level the scores. Sophie Vaughan continued to score freely, and goal-attack Rosie Buse also netted several times at crucial moments. The Cardiff defence, too, did well to hold out under considerable pressure, led by goalkeeper Sam Lyons. The final whistle saw Cardiff gain a deserved draw. Joint Captain Carys Jenkins was ‘really pleased with the outcome of a competitive match, played to a high standard and well supported’. Neither side deserved to lose such a hard-fought encounter. With the crowd spurring the players on, nobody was going to give in. The result leaves Cardiff fourth in the BUSA League South and they qualify to the playoffs to face the highest placed team in the BUSA League North.
Sport
Page 42
13 February 2006
sport@gairrhydd.com
CHAMPIONES, CHAMPIONES... By George Pawley Sport reporter Cardiff...............................3 UWIC ................................3
PHOTO: Adam Gasson
THE STAGE SEEMED set for the perfect end to the league stages of Cardiff 1st’s BUSA season, having been crowned champions the week before. However, UWIC’s spirited second half comeback secured a point for the visitors at Llanrumney. Cardiff were playing with an air of confidence they had earned in the previous league games of the 2005/2006 season, having dropped just three points from nine games, and the home side were dictating much of the play despite the typical tenacity you would expect from a derby. It was the visitors who took a shock lead after just nine minutes. A high hanging ball was flung into the box, and the windy conditions caused a mix up between Cardiff ‘keeper Cole Stacey and his defence, allowing a UWIC attacker to nod in unopposed. With the amount of possession they
WASTED: Missed chance had, it wasn’t long before the league leaders were back on level terms. Mark Lucas picked the ball up on the right wing, executed a nice flick and sent in a floating ball into area. In identical fashion to the opener, there was a lack of communication
between the UWIC goalkeeper and his defence and Andre Stairmand stuck in to equalise. The game was flowing well with both teams having opportunities. Stacey redeemed himself with an important save from a curling free kick
which had been bent around the wall. The home side took the lead after Dan Jones cracked in their second goal with a shot from the edge of the penalty box, which somehow cut its way through a crowded area and buried itself in the bottom corner of the UWIC net. Three minutes later it should have been 3 - 1, as a three versus two situation developed, but the excellent Sammy Gonzalez sent his drive inches wide of the goal. The second half opened with Cardiff beginning as they had finished the first; simply by applying pressure to the UWIC back line. A cross from James Cane screamed across the face of goal, and a clever Gonzalez lob and cross from the opposite wing gave Eiffion Roberts a chance, but he saw his flick cleared off the line. Cardiff were having a lot of joy down the right wing and Stairmand grabbed his second three minutes in. Another deep cross was played in and a partial clearance found it’s way to the left winger who fired home. UWIC were trying to force their way back into the match, using all means necessary, as substitute forward
UNSTOPPABLE By Jon Berridge Rugby Reporter
Cardiff 1st XV .................26 Oxford 1st XV .................17
tions to the first team have seamlessly become integral to the side. Tom Eastham completed the impressive first half performance with a brilliant conversion, to give Cardiff an impressive 26-7 lead at half time. The second half began and ended with Oxford exerting considerable pressure deep into the Cardiff half. Cardiff defended resolutely and on five occasions Oxford were held up on the try line. Eventually on the hour mark Oxford breached the Cardiff defence again with a try in the corner to make the score 26-12. Oxford continued to
“Cardiff were playing with the confidence of league champions” Though he perhaps should have been giving his marching orders for another high tackle seconds earlier, his penalty was coolly taken making the score 3 - 2. Something had to give as UWIC continued to press; a free kick from the away side struck the apex of post and bar. UWIC broke the defence with just seven minutes left. A left-footed cross evaded two attackers before the ball was tucked home despite a desperate effort by Stacey. The draw was surprising considering the way Cardiff played in the first half. After their third goal the champions appeared to rest on their laurels, which dampened the celebrations as the league came to a conclusion.
Women’s final BUSA day rout
pile forward but were repelled by swarms of red and black jerseys. With ten minutes remaining Oxford added another try to cut the deficit to nine points but Cardiff valiantly held on to secure an excellent 26-17 win. Cardiff coach Martyn Fowler was ecstatic with the win and stated, ‘I’m so proud of the boys. If there’s one thing I can say about this team is that all the players have got guts.’ As long as Cardiff do not let varsity preparations affect their form, the prospect of Cardiff winning the league title is now a very real possibility.
By Ed Jones Sports Editor CARDIFF’S LADIES’ Hockey first XI enjoyed a fantastic season finale, with a 6-0 demolition of Southampton firsts. Sophie Blair and Amelia Williams each grabbed a brace for the home side while Clare Davies and Donna McCormick also found the net. Cardiff’s dominance was clear from the start and the home side went into the half-time break with a 2-0 lead. However, it was in the second half that their talents truly told. The pace and fluency of the Cardiff attacks created endless chances and the 6-0 scoreline was nothing more than they deserved. The result means that Cardiff have secured second spot in the league behind Bristol. PHOTO: James Perou
PHOTO: Adam Gasson
AN OUTSTANDING Cardiff performance in both attack and defence resulted in Oxford succumbing to their first BUSA defeat of the season as the home team continued their scintillating form. Cardiff have now won five consecutive matches and in doing so have secured a place in the prestigious BUSA championship. However, it was Oxford who took the lead in only the fifth, through a try from their full-back. Cardiff levelled the score minutes later through the impressive wing Tom Herbert who took advantage of an awkward bounce of the ball that dumbfounded the Oxford defence. Tom Herbert has scored four tries in as many BUSA matches, an impressive return considering his recent return to the side following a longterm injury. Tom Eastham slotted over the difficult conversion to make the score 7-7. Cardiff dominated the vast majority of the first half in terms of both possession and territory. Deservedly they increased their lead in the twenty-third minute through centre Alex Huntly who scored in the corner following a break from dangerous full-back Matt Hopper to extend the lead to 12-7. Oxford’s woes continued ten minutes later when scrum-half Tom Eastham crossed the try line underneath the posts following an incisive
break from centre Geoff Hobbs. This phase of play also resulted in an injury for the Oxford wing Jonon Boto, a player who had scored a brace of tries in the corresponding fixture in November. The injury severely restricted Oxford’s attacking prowess. Cardiff completed an astonishing first half display with a fourth try on the stroke of half time. Wing Fraser Watson made a switch pass to Matt Hopper who in turn released Alex Huntly for his second try of the game. Huntly’s performance emphasises the way that recent addi-
Dwayne who was shown yellow for an awful challenge on Cane. Ironically, it was the UWIC striker who pulled one back after he was supposedly held back in the area.
BATTERED: a heavy drubbing CLASSY: Great performance
Sport
February 13 2006
Page 43
sport@gairrhydd.com
AU PRESIDENT’S
COLUMN
INSTITUTIONALISED By John Lamswood Sport Reporter Cardiff 2nd XV ................84 Swansea Inst. 1st XV ........5
By Lisa Gwinnett
H
ond half hat–trick, giving him a total of six tries in the match. Beaman went on to complete his own hat-trick and kicked 12 conversions giving him a tally of 39 points for the game. His fine individual per-
CARDIFF: first class performance
COUNTRY PURSUITS By Jonny Carroll Athletics Reporter
THE FIRST weekend in February saw over 700 athletes from universities across Britain travel to Stirling for the BUSA National Cross Country Championships.
formance was the catalyst for the second XV’s biggest win of the season. A further try from wing James Williams ended the rout as Cardiff completed their season in the best possible fashion.
Photo: Adam Gasson
ello and welcome back. I hope everyone enjoyed the long break – it certainly feels like a lifetime away now. Despite BUSA fixtures drawing to a close, it’s all ‘go-go-go’ up here in the Athletic Union as Varsity fever starts to kick in. Varsity, for those of you that haven’t experienced it yet, is the highlight of the year (and I’m not saying that because I’m biased). Varsity certainly isn’t just for the sport lovers amongst us, it’s a day where everyone can get together, showing their university pride, donning their red T-shirts and cheering on Cardiff. Not only is Varsity the biggest sporting event of the University calendar, it is also one of the biggest social events. How often will you experience over 4,000 students in one venue, soaking up the party atmosphere with a live brass band, cheerleaders, mascots, streakers, face painting and an extremely well priced bar? Believe me, Varsity is an awesome experience and you will be hooked after your first encounter. The pinnacle of the day is the men’s rugby match, which again will be held at the neutral venue of the Brewery Field. This year promises to be the best yet with the new additions of a choir, a Royal Marine combat display, a chocolate fountain, food courts and not to mention the introduction of the Cardiff foam fingers. During the day, twenty of our AU clubs will be heading down to Swansea to compete for the Varsity Shield. The points of all the games are added together to decide the overall winner. For the AU teams competing, winning is not only important for the team but also for the university. There really is no room for second place. Swansea have yet to win the Shield, however in Varsity the slate is wiped clean history has no bearing and Cardiff cannot afford for complacency to settle in. I would like to encourage everybody to get involved with Varsity 2006. Not only is it the best social of the year, all of the proceeds are donated to charity. This year, I am hoping for record numbers of Cardiff supporters, donning their red Varsity T-shirts and foam fingers, not only to raise more money for charity but also to out number and outshine the supporters in green. It really is a matter of pride! All of your tickets, T-shirts, foam fingers and transport tickets are all available from the Athletic Union which is located on the third floor of the Students’ Union.
CARDIFF 2ND XV ended their BUSA season on a high as they produced an emphatic performance against their local rivals. Cardiff started strongly and were 70 up within five minutes. A well worked move from the backline enabled wing Pete Salmon to stroll under the posts. With the wind behind their backs, Cardiff were able to find good field position deep inside the Swansea half. Slick handling from the backs led to Jack Beaman scoring in the corner. Beaman kicked his second successive goal and Cardiff began to dominate. However, the strong Institute pack worked hard in the scrums and were able to disrupt the Cardiff line out. With the game becoming scrappier, Cardiff were able to take full advantage of the space and break away on a number of occasions. With another try for Beaman and one each for John Lamswood and Alex Lester. Salmon was then able to complete his hat–trick before half time. The forwards dragged their way back into the game with solid scrummaging and good line-out work. The home team went into the half
time break with a 49-5 advantage after a rare attack from the Institute gave them some consolation. The second half continued in the same vein as some expansive rugby from Cardiff led to Salmon’s own sec-
A team from Cardiff’s Athletics & Cross Country club made the 800-mile round trip, with Eleanor SherrardSmith (placement year Zoology) our best hope of earning some glory. The Welsh international cross country and 1500m runner travelled on the back of a flu-ridden training period
CROSS-COUNTRY: In for the long haul
and so decided to tackle the shorter Women’s race of 3.2km. Leading a strong field from the gun, Sherrard-Smith rarely felt any pressure from the trio of Loughborough runners trailing in her wake. She steadily built a substantial lead over the tough ‘undulating’, cross-terrain course. Sherrard-Smith emerged from the tricky woodland section and turned onto the final climb to the finish with a clear 100 metre lead. She eased home her gold medal-winning performance in a comfortable 10.56, 12 seconds ahead of the silver and bronze medal placings of Loughborough. Kieran Robert (Postgraduate Maths) and Oliver Williams (first year Physiotherapy) ran well in the 230strong field for the Men’s long race. Both had to endure four laps and over 11km of the difficult course and finished with good times of 40.36 and 41.26 respectively. Club president Jonny Carroll took one look at the course and conditions on such a gloomy Scottish Saturday morning and instantly decided to compete in the much shorter 4.5km Men’s short race. In a small field, he recorded a pleasing sub 15 minute time. In the team competition, Birmingham scooped an impressive double gold. Great strength in depth, with three female athletes in the top 10 and four males in the top 13 of the long races secured victory against the inevitably strong team performances from Loughborough, Oxford and St Mary’s.
OUT ON A
LOW
By Ollie Rocos Volleyball Reporter AFTER A MIXED season, the Men’s Volleyball’s BUSA campaign ended with a disappointing loss against Bath University who cruised to a two-set victory, 25-12 25-17. Flamboyant serving led to the crumbling of Cardiff’s receive, and quickly they lost the initiative to the bigger team, often scrambling to return the ball as Bath began to dominate. Solid blocking from volleyball Caesar, Ollie Rocos, and setter James, gave brief respite in an otherwise relentless attack from the other side, but it was not enough to stem the flow and Bath quickly finished the set. The second set contained more promising signs, as Cardiff debutante Phil Bye blocked several hits from Baths 6’9” middle-hitter. Spikes from Dennis Lu and Ian Thomson kept Cardiff alongside Bath. Stunning tips from Dan Wilson and Rocos kept Cardiff in a good position, but eventually the stronger offence and defence of Bath showed through, and they were comfortably able to serve out the game, deservedly winning the match.
VOLEYBALL: Mixed RUGBY: Men’s 1st season ends in and 2nd XI record defeat Page 43 wins Page 42 & 43
HOCKEY: Men’s firsts win BUSA title Page 41 & 42
gair rhydd
Sport Three league trophies for Cardiff as Golf, Men’s Football and Men’s Hockey seal titles
GLORY By Billy Hemstock Golf Reporter Cardiff Golf........................5 UW Aberystwyth ...............1 CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Golf 1sts won the BUSA 1A division after beating Aberystwyth in a decider on Wednesday. Cardiff claimed the title by thumping the West Wales side 5-1 on their home turf. The team of six now head for the BUSA Championship Trophy where they will compete against the best sides in England and Scotland. Midway through the season Cardiff led the league comfortably, but with disappointing performances against Bournemouth, Swansea and Glamorgan, the team needed a strong finish to capture the BUSA 1A title. The response was formidable with impressive home wins against Plymouth and Bournemouth, leaving a showdown match against Aberystwyth. The match was played at Borth G.C, a typical seaside links which demands sweet striking and straight hitting. Weather conditions made scoring very difficult, with up to 40 mph winds howling across the open links. Comfortably claiming Cardiff’s first point was Ryan Greaney. After nine holes, the postgraduate held a one-hole advantage, and when turning for home, he finished the dual off with ease. Ryan won five holes on the trot
and secured a 6/5 victory. James Millard holed an undulating 25-foot putt on the fifteenth hole and joined the Cardiff charge with an impressive 4/3 win. Unfortunately, Cardiff couldn’t maintain their momentum as Elliot Shaw lost his match 4/3, leaving the game narrowly in Cardiff’s favour. Billy Hemstock was gifted victory when his playing opponent pulled his approach to the 16th into the water hazard. Hemstock’s opponent then three-putted the seventeenth hole, surrendering the point to Cardiff. Although they were one point ahead of UW Aberystwyth in the league, a draw was not enough for Cardiff to claim the title. So competitive is the 1A division, that Swansea could snatch victory if they won their last two games. This meant that only victory would secure the number one spot for the Cardiff team. Cardiff’s anchorman Dave Thomas, playing at number six, was all-square after nine. But with a strong back nine which included birdies on the 11th, 13th and finally the 16th hole, he claimed his game 3/2. On the 16th hole, Thomas unleashed a powerful drive which flew an amazing 290 yards and rolled onto the par four green leaving him a two-putt birdie. Team captain, Chris Orr made the win even more emphatic when he won the last hole and his match two-up. Cardiff now face either Reading or Royal Holloway in a play-off match which will decide who gets promoted to the BUSA Premier League.
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