gair rhydd - Issue 813

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ISSUE 813 MAY 8 2006

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972

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Quench runs the London Marathon + much more

THE LONG WAY ROUND Union President count to finally take place after seven weeks’ delay, all over SEVEN QUIDS’ worth of Come Play club tickets

By Charissa Coulthard News Editor THE COUNT for next year’s Students’ Union President is finally set to commence, despite one candidate awaiting disciplinary action from the University over the reselling of two Come Play tickets.

The count was suspended for seven weeks after it was found that candidate Gemma Long, who currently holds the sabbatical position of College President of Humanities and Science, had one of her campaign team resell two tickets that had been given to her by the Union.

Election candidates were given two Come Play tickets each by the Students’ Union to be used while campaigning.

However, it was stressed that these were, as stated on the tickets, not for resale.

STRIKE LATEST: IS A DEAL ON THE HORIZON? PAGE 4

Continued on Page 4

News

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May 8 2006

news@gairrhydd.com

At

a glance May 8 2006 News Editorial & Opinion Mickelodeon Letters Politics Health Science/Environment Media Jobs & Money Grab!

IMG Sport Dear Amber Television Five Min Fun/Scopes Listings Sport

1 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 15 16 18 19 27 28 29

EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Perri Lewis, Dan Ridler, Joanna Dingle, Katie Kennedy POLITICS Andy Rennison EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, Georgina Easton, Edward Vanstone SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Jane LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor, Lisa Hocken TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval SCOPES Christina Lane FIVE MIN FUN The Cookie Monster HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou SUB-EDITORS Catherine Gee, Charlotte White, Holly Marshall PROOF READERS Robert Knowles, Sophie Robinson, Kieran Harwood, Abi Wise, Corin Rogerson CONTRIBUTORS Katie Kennedy, Lindle Markwell, Helen Thompson, Joanna Dingle, Hector Roddan, Gary Andrews, Phil Spase, Tim Hewish, Liz Stauber, Lydia James, Laura Murphy, Gill Roberts, James Woodroof, David Hoare, Steve Smith, Paul Hayes, Jon Berridge, George Pawley, ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union

PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH

Bargain country

Downgrade degrees

By Helen Thompson Reporter YOUNG PEOPLE are less likely to attend university as the immediate benefits of a degree decrease.

It takes 12 years of full-time work for the average graduate to match the earnings of someone who started work at the age of 18, according to a study by independent charity Gabbitas Education Consultants.

Five years ago, it was estimated that this point would be reached aged 28, whereas now it will be

reached at 33.

As the benefits of a degree lessen, it is thought that young people will look for alternatives to university.

This announcement follows a recent survey by the UK Graduate Careers Survey showing that 38 per cent of final year students would not have gone to university had they been required to pay top-up fees.

Peter Black, the Welsh Liberal Democrats Education Spokesperson, attacked the introduction of the fees, saying: “The whole point of trying to increase the number of young people going to

university is to allow us to compete in European and global markets by having a highly-skilled and innovative workforce.

“We do not achieve that by hanging huge debts around the necks of our young people just at the point when they are starting out on their careers and lives.”

Mr Black stressed the Liberal Democrats' on-going commitment to keeping tuition fees out of Wales, saying: “Labour in Wales must find the guts to stand up to Westminster, continue to say no to top-up fees, and to push for proper funding of Welsh higher education.”

CONCERN IS spreading about the relationship between the recent increase in applications to Welsh universities and cheaper fees.

NUS Wales have said they welcome the increase in future students and hope that this will lead to improved funding for Higher Education in Wales.

But they are also well aware that Wales, being the only UK country not to introduce the variable fees, is also the only country in the UK to see an increase in application numbers.

I-Lectures

Cardiff uni ranked 24th in survey

By Joanna Dingle Deputy News Editor CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has been ranked 24th in the Guardian’s latest university league table.

The annual survey, which assesses teaching quality, staff-student ratios and graduate job prospects, once again rated Oxford as the UK’s leading university.

Oxford was closely followed by Cambridge, London School Economics and other London universities.

Meanwhile, the Russell Group of institutions, to which Cardiff belongs, dominated the top 20 places.

In individual subjects, Cardiff performed especially well in Mechanical Engineering (2nd place), Dentistry (4th) and Media (6th).

The guide, published last week, also shows that many less prestigious institutions are offering high quality courses.

More information will be available in the Guardian University Guide, published later in the year.

VIDEO AND audio podcasting is now being utilised by students to provide information about university research, people and events.

Students at Southampton University’s School of Electronics and Computer Science have set up a podcasting service to enable students and visitors to catch up on the school’s news on ipods and MP3 players.

Over the next year, higher education establishments across the UK will be using this technology to support student learning and development programmes, including making lecture podcasts available to students.

By Lindle Markwell

LOCAL FOCUS A soapbox for the views of Cardiff residents

Name: ‘Sir Ben’ Location: The Local, Woodville Road Title: Manager

How long has The Local been in business here?

It’s part of the Thresher’s Group, so it’s been around about 60 years, but I’ve been working here about 18 months.

sional rowdy gangs of blokes.

What do you think of students?

Fine! We could do with more. They’re all good, of course you get the occa-

What are your opening hours?

Varied throughout the week, but approximately ten hours each day.

What percentage of your customers are students?

Gosh. At least 85 per cent

We’re open until 10pm Monday to Thursday, and until 10:30 Friday and Saturday.

When are you busiest?

Friday evenings, around 7:45.

What are your most popular products?

Carling is popular, as is Carlsberg and Blossom Hill wine.

Do you have many good offers on for students?

We have the three for two on wines, sparkling wines and champagne, and then great prices on crates; for example Carlsberg is £11.99 a crate.

Interview Dingle

by

Joanna

News

May 8 2006

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UNION WILL NOT BOYCOTT COKE NUS members vote not to boycott Coca-Cola, despite pressure from unions around the UK

By Katie Kennedy Deputy News Editor THE NUS HAVE rejected the call from student unions across the country to endorse the CocaCola boycott.

The motion was called at the NUS annual conference this month after there were disagreements over whether the best support for the Colombian unions was to boycott the fizzy drink.

Cardiff Students’ Union voted in February’s Annual General Meeting to boycott the Coca-Cola Corporation because of its unethical business practices, but instead of boycotting the company the NUS will be launching a UK universities speaking tour by Colombian trade and student unionists.

The conference questioned the allegations that Coca-Cola management had ordered the assassination of eight trade union leaders of Sinaltrainal (the Union that represents Coca-Cola workers in Colombia) and it was felt that more evidence was needed to uphold this claim.

Coca-Cola’s Director of Public Affairs and Communications, Pablo Largacha, endorsed this decision: “The allegations against the company are not fact-based but rather many students have made up their minds instead of really digging deep into the situation.”

NUS President Kat Fletcher wrote in a Guardian article this week that a boycott would not end the violence, murders and oppression of students and workers in Colombia.

She emphasized that between 2002 and 2004, 47

student leaders were murdered and 12 have disappeared.

She also made calls ‘for an end to British military aid until a just and peaceful settlement is reached’ and argued that: “Focusing on Coca-Cola, rather than on human rights atrocities committed against the Colombian trade union movement, is a simplistic reactionary response at best.”

Boa-Selecta

By Katie Kennedy Deputy News Editor

IRISHMEN: Fancy a couple in your bed?

How to bed an Irishman

By Will Dean Deputy Editor

CARDIFF RESIDENTS with a spare room are being asked to come to the aid of Irish rugby union fans in time for this month’s Heineken Cup final.

Up to 30,000 fans of Munster, who play Biarattz in the match, have found that all hotels in and around Cardiff, and as far away as Bristol, are booked up.

This has led to suggestions that locals with an eye for a quick buck could put up their Celtic brethren.

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S Cheerleading Squad have taken a gold medal at a prestigious national competition.

The team, known as the Snakecharmers, beat off fierce competition from other universities to win the All-Girl Advanced Cheer category at the British Cheerleading Association’s University Competition.

The competition was held at Telford’s International Arena and consisted of 70 teams from over 33 universities.

There was a 65 per cent increase on entries compared to last year’s competition, showing the growing popularity of the sport.

It is only the second time the Snakecharmers who are currently ranked third in the UK, have competed in such an event, topping last year’s result of second place in the All Girl Intermediate competition.

The team were established in 2001 to cheer for the university’s Cobras American football team and now have a squad of over 40 members.

The squad are now focusing on competing at this year’s British Cheerleading Association’s Nationals event along with many of the world’s top all-star squad.

Held in Nottingham this is the biggest competition of its sort in Europe.

It seems odd that Cardiff can’t supply enough beds for traveling fans after holding so many huge events, such as the FA Cup final, but in most cases at least one set of fans usually live within driving distance.

This is one of the rare occasions where the Millennium Stadium will be full up to capacity with fans from overseas.

If you fancy an Irishman, or woman, sleeping in your lounge you can join other Cardiff residents who have registered at www.gumtree.com CHARMING: Cardiff cheerleaders take first place

News

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May 8 2006

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Imperial Forces

Strike latest

By Tom Wellingham Editor

By Helen Thompson Reporter STUDENT ACCOMMODATION in Cardiff could be greatly improved over the next few years.

New government legislation will require that shared houses have a license to certify that they are suitable for occupation and that the management of the property is running things properly.

If the managers of property are not fixing repairs or amending health and safety issues then the council will have the power to intervene.

The law, which was implemented on 6 April, should come into force in Wales in June and

continued from front page If the case is found to be serious by the university, the second year Earth science student could face a number of penalties, including a restriction of university facilities – including the Students’ Union – a fine of up to £500 or even expulsion from university.

But Gemma, who is taking advice from NUS officers after enduring seven weeks of disciplinary action, complained that there is nothing in writing to state that a candidate is responsible for the actions of their team.

“I briefed my campaign team about the rules– I couldn’t have done any more,” she said.

“I briefed him, I trusted him, and there’s nothing I can do to prevent it.

“There’s nothing in the constitution that says you have to be 100% responsible for your campaign team.

“They’ve disciplined me on a campaign myth.

“The committee agreed I was responsible even though there’s nothing in writing.”

Students’ Union President Pete Goodman said he had no choice but to refer the candidate to the Student Disciplinary Code of the University.

He explained the need for such action, saying: “Cardiff Students’ Union is a charity.

“Tickets were paid for by charity money. You cannot resell a Come Play ticket.”

The drawn-out process began when a complaint was received by Returning Officer Mark Beacon from another candidate, prompting the start of disciplinary investigation.

Following a meeting on March 31, the committee raised the seriousness of the allegation and upheld the complaint, which was then passed to the President after being considered a

July.

It will give Cardiff Council the power to decide whether or not a landlord is fit to preside over a property.

It is hoped that this licensing will reduce many of the problems that Cardiff students have suffered with their landlords and letting agencies.

One group of students at a house on Salisbury Road would have benefited greatly if the law had come in a year ago.

The long-list problems with the property, including a ceiling leaking onto the television and another that leaks onto a bed, a faulty shower, and dodgy electrical system, have caused the students endless inconvenience.

In addition to this, the promises of repairs made by the agency when they moved in have still not been met.

The unhappy tenants have now had it with their letting agency, Imperial, one occupant told gair rhydd: “They always say they’ll ring you back and they don’t.”

The council were called to the property before Christmas but despite their shock at the state of the house, there was little the inspectors could do.

In cases like this in the future, the new law should put pressure on landlords & letting agencies to act sooner.

Landlords of properties housing over 5 inhabitants or with 3

Union disciplinary matter.

Gemma initially appealed against the verdict, but withdrew her appeal three days prior to the hearing in case it affected her potential presidency.

“The risk with internal procedures is that they can take away my candidacy,” she explained.

Although she will lose her right to appeal if action is taken by the Vice Chancellor, she feels it is the right decision.

The case is now in the hands of the Director of Registry, Proffessor Tony Cryer, who will decide if Gemma has the option of choosing whether her disciplinary procedures will be continued by the Vice Chancellor, Dr. David Grant, or a senate disciplinary panel.

It is hoped that this will be held ‘before the end of May’.

Pete Goodman added: “We all have to follow a process to ensure fairness, and we have to ensure due process is followed. That’s what we’ve done.”

Joe Al-Khayat, also running for the position, expressed the difficulty in having to wait in suspense for so long.

“The election delay was certainly difficult to deal with initially,” he said.

“But the issue was one I had no control over and although difficult I had no choice but to get on with it, particularly with my final year exams round the corner.”

Gemma said that despite the past weeks’ events, she ‘remains optimistic’ about the Presidential count.

The elected candidate will be announced this week and will join Ed Jones, James Woodroof, Perri Lewis, Kate Dobbs and Kate Monaghan on the 2006/07 sabbatical team.

Despite the ongoing case, the count will resume on Monday May 8.

The result will be announced live

stories or more will be obligated to apply for this license within 3 months of the law being passed by the Welsh Assembly.

It is also thought that if landlords are not licensed by this date, tenants living in these properties will be able to claim rent back that they have paid during the unlicensed period.

Other good news for students comes in the way of a new letting agency on the ground floor of the Union that is scheduled to open in September.

It is hoped that the new Cardiff Student Letting agency will be more focused on providing a quality service for students rather than just hankering after profits.

Best Bar None

By Tom Wellingham Editor CARDIFF STUDENT favourite, the Union’s Taf bar, was awarded the prestigious ‘Best Bar None’ award at a recent NUSSL conference in Liverpool.

NUSSL is the trading arm of the NUS which supplies Student Unions across the country with the majority of their alcoholic products for sale in their nightclubs.

The ‘Best Bar None’ award recognises best practice in the licensed trade industry and evaluates entrants on a wide range of criteria from health and safety to door supervision and security.

Winning the award was especially sweet as Cardiff was located in the Wales and West region, which saw it compete against Universities from Bristol and Birmingham, not just the local area.

Bars Manager Keith Owen commented that it was, “a fantastic achievement”, he also thanked the students for their good behaviour while drinking in, and when on their way home from, the Taf.

THERE WERE the first signs of progress at the end of last week in the ongoing industrial action currently being taken by lecturers at universities across the UK. At the time of going to press, two Scottish universities, St Andrews and Aberdeen, had broken ranks with the employers’ association, UCEA, to offer their staff a pay deal at a local level.

The offer being put to staff is higher than the nationally agreed three per cent pay rise offered nationally which has so far been rejected by the employee unions as unacceptable.

As we reported last week in gair rhydd, the idea of local pay deals is not new, and is one that Cardiff ViceChancellor Dr David Grant is in favour of exploring further.

However, any local pay deals are unlikely to ensure a rapid return to the pre-industrial action position as it is likely local union members would have to be balloted on whether or not to accept any offer made.

With student unions across the UK still divided over whether or not the long term increase in standards offered by an increase in lecturer pay is worth the discomfort of current students, Oxford and Cambridge issued a joint letter ‘throwing their weight behind the AUT action’.

They attacked the actions of universities over pay as ‘cynical’ and accused other student unions of, “not truly caring about the interests of their members”, with their short-termist view of the industrial action.

The AUT and NATFHE members are once again meeting UCEA representatives, with the aid of the conciliation service ACAS, this Monday in an attempt to begin moving the stalemate forward.

As the exam period began across the UK, the NUS adopted a change to its much criticised position of full support for the actions, by saying that it, “no longer supported the decision not to set exams”, although it continued to stand by its decision not to mark papers which had already been sat.

Cardiff University last week released a notice advising students to prepare as normal for their summer examinations as well as meeting all required coursework deadlines. In a message of reassurance, the University also said they were, “considering all possible contingencies to facilitate the progress of students”.

However, so far, gair rhydd has been unable to uncover any more details about what these measures might consist of, or mean for students.

In a bleak assessment of the situation, the Vice-Chancellor of St Andrews, Brian Lang, told students that, “an autumn diet of examinations could not be ruled out for modules not yet set”. He went on to assured students that, “they would not miss out on graduating even if the start of examinations are delayed”. gair rhydd will bring you all the latest on the ongoing action each week, including coverage of next week’s crucial AUT Annual General Meeting.

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Editorial & Opinion Scolari leaves big shoes to Phil May 8 2006

opinion@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd

FREE WORD El Presidente Finally it seems that the ongoing controversy surrouunding this years Presidential position is near to being resolved.

Over seven weeks have now elapsed since the closing of the last polling station and situation we currently find ourselves in.

The details of the reasons behind the ‘ongoing disciplinary action’ have now begun too emerged as we report this week.

For the sake of seven quids’ worth of Solus tickets the student body has been left without its future leader at a time when crucial descisions over the next academic year need to be consulted on and taken.

Alongside this, and perhaps more importantly, the students involved in campaigning for the position of President have had their futures dangled in front of them for almost two months.

Although it is essential that due process is followed throughout the course of any complaint action, this years antics have seen ‘due process’ emerge as the enemy of the piece.

Due to the inflexibility of the structures which need to be followed students have effectively been left in limbo due to events such as the Easter break when the membership which comprises the Union’s disciplinary committee being incomplete and so unable to hear the case in question.

With any luck the Union will have its new President by the end of this week, and things can get back on track.

The first item on their agenda must now be to reassure those who have lost faith in the elections process and ensure that their year in office is not characterised by the fashion in which it began.

Strike Three Oxford and Cambridge’s recent criticism of Students’ Unions around the UK for not supporting the on-going AUT assessment boycott is ill informed.

They suggest that Unions should support the strike to improve longterm teaching quality, but seem to have forgotten that the actions taken

by Students’ Union have to be representative of student opinion.

Our Union has not and should not show support for the strike: Cardiff students made their opinions known at Student Council last week and they clearly oppose the assessment boycott.

And they have good reason to.

What started out as a threat to disrupt summer exams is beginning to have real consequences for every student around the country.

Exams that have to be sat in less than two weeks’ time have not yet been set and there is now a real risk that this boycott will affect graduation 2006.

It needs to be resolved very soon, whether this be at a local or national level.

You don’t have to look at the BNP to see English racism: Gary Andrews on footballing xenophobia

I

f you’re looking for an explanation of sorts as to why UKIP and the BNP command the level of support that they do, you could do worse than look at the reaction of both the press and the public to the near-appointment of Luiz Felipe ‘Big Phil’ Scolari as England coach.

You’d have thought a World Cupwinning manager would be welcomed with open arms. But no, he was decried before he’d even had the offer put to him. Among the charges against Phil were: He wouldn’t understand the subtleties of the English game, generally known as lumping the ball up to the big man up front; nor would the players be able to interpret his instructions, issued as they were in a foreign language. Understandable perhaps for the likes of Rooney and Joe Cole, who have yet to master English, but news I’m sure to the likes of David Beckham, who does just that week in week out, and John Terry who captains a side containing three Portuguese players.

In short, Scolari was not welcome because he was a bit - how to put this?

- foreign. Not one of us. Another Jonny Foreigner come to steal our women (Ulrika counts as one of ours – like the rest of us, she had to endure the utter tedium that is banter with John Fashanu), leech off our wages and destroy the beautiful game (which begs the question, has anybody ever sat through a whole Middlesborough vs Charlton match?).

Faced with the slobbering British Bulldog press hounds camped out on his doorstep, waiting to pounce on every word, Big Phil did the sensible thing and returned to his Portuguese villa with a swift “up yours, Blighty.”

Be it the question of the English national coach, or simply competing in an international tournament, football brings out the inner xenophobe in us all, as it gives England the chance to engage in its second-favourite activity:

CRUSADERS: Probably not ironic foreigner-bashing. (The first is miserably failing in the most spectacular manner possible, an activity also inexorably linked to football.)

It gives England the chance to indulge in foreigner-bashing This year’s World Cup will be another chance to indulge in a spot of casual wog, Fritz and daego-bashing (literally in some cases), led in typical jingoistic fashion by the red top tabloids. And frankly, it’s all a bit embarrassing.

No national stereotype or derogatory term will be too low, and any attempt to ask Messrs Sun, Mirror and Star to calm it down a bit will be met with howls of anguish; another case of do-gooders pandering to foreign

killjoys in an attempt to stop a harmless bit of banter, never mind that in their attempts to out-xenophobe each other, occasionally tabloid editors get it disastrously wrong – just ask Piers Morgan who will probably admit his ‘Actung Surrender!’ Mirror Euro ’96 front page headline was not his finest hour.

The overspill from this steady drip of nationalistic bile often has unpleasant consequences, such as the mob attack on a Portuguese-owned pub in Norfolk following England’s loss in 2004.

Perhaps one of the reasons England fans didn’t take to Scolari was he was the Portugal manager that night (which means he’s defeated England twice in consecutive major tournaments).

Never mind that he’s a better manager than the one we’ve currently got – he gave our boys a bashing and we’ve not forgiven him for it.

But then we’ve never taken to Sven

either, for similar reasons to our dislike of Phil. Despite Sven having one of the best records of any post-war England manager, he’s just not British and, at risk of severely mixing metaphors here, that simply isn’t cricket, old boy.

The press are fond of kicking the England coach before he’s even had a chance to fall off the pedestal, but even by their standards the mauling has been savage. Every mistake pounced on as evidence of why a foreigner just doesn’t work, his indiscretions used to much the same way (note the whimper that accompanied the revelation that Steve McClaren was also having difficulty keeping his pants in his trousers), and the vitriol following the News of the World’s ‘sting’, leading to such earth-shattering headlines as ‘Rooney is a bit angry’. Mind you, he’d have probably got the same reaction by announcing the Pope’s Catholic background.

Well, if England are stupid enough to cut off their nose to spite their xenophobic face they deserve everything they get – and that comes in the form of Steve McClaren, a distinctly average manager with an underwhelming club record and all the social skills of a comatose Trappist accountant.

No matter that there was a World Cup winner available, we’ve got a man who truly knows what it means to be English: to contrive to lose in the dullest circumstances possible.

But then such is the press and public’s dislike of a foreigner that McClaren could undergo a full frontal lobotomy, while his nearest competitors for the job all simultaneously drop dead, yet when the FA wheel out Steve’s brain-dead slobbering shell to excuse another 10-0 defeat, they can always use the line: “Yes, but imagine what our results would be like under a foreigner,” to which the assembled hacks would nod their collective heads, sharpen their pens and write another story about Oliver Kahn strangling one of the Queen’s swans.

Who’s been a bad ad?

By Phil Spase

N

ewspapers – at least the large ones – can pretty much get away with whatever they like. They have the money to defend themselves against lawsuits – particularly if a contentious story significantly increases the circulation on a given day.

Bloggers are not so lucky. One is especially unfortunate: Lance Dutson, the man behind MaineWebreport.com, is facing a hefty lawsuit.

Dutson has been indicted on three counts, namely defamation, libel and copyright infringement. If he loses, he will have to pay out several million dollars to Warren Kramer Paino Advertising. The ad agency, as part of a contract with the Maine Office of Tourism, ran an advert in which they erroneously used the phone number of

a sex chat service rather than the tourism information line, which Dutson pulled from the website of the Maine Department of Economic and Community Development and posted on his blog.

One would hope that and ad-agency would be more PRsavvy than to sue a blogger Rather than accept their mistake, laugh it off and change the number on the advert, Warren Kramer Paino filed a federal lawsuit. One would hope that an advertising agency would be more PR-savvy than to use their corporate might against a solitary blogger fulfilling a vital part of media work: exposing the mistakes and, occasionally,

outright lies, of people in positions of authority. It seems not, and with such an over-the-top reaction they have almost certainly done their image serious harm. In their business, image is everything.

Dutson describes his situation as “one man against the state and its contractors, put in the position of shutting up or being pounded by their deep pockets and a wild misconception of what the court system is supposed to be used for. One person who has exposed a cavalcade of incompetence and who has to choose to allow it, or face an onslaught of personal attack and legal action.”

He has a lot of support. Offers of legal assistance quickly poured in.

Dutson will be represented by three ‘heavy-hitting’ lawyers: Greg Herbert, John Stanley and Ron Coleman from the Media Bloggers Association. The latter at present has won eight cases

against large firm trying to stifle criticism, with no losses.

Possibly the strangest part of the whole affair is that Warren Kramer Paino are bothering to bully one individual when they have such a slim chance of winning – not on all three counts in any case. The libel and defamation claims will surely be dismissed: if what Dutson has written is true (which it is) then they simply have no case. The copyright issue will also fall flat: as the ad was paid for with public money, publication cannot be prevented.

With such a shameful bullying tactic, and one that they will inevitably lose, the advertising agency have done themselves no favours, while Dutson gains a reputation as a vociferous defender of his constitutional right to free speech. I love it when plans like those backfire.

Comment

May 8 2006

Page 7

mickelodeon@gairrhydd.com

MICKELODEON The ubiquitous failed town planner

Strike three

5

2 days. That's the amount of time it took from the AUT starting the assessment boycott until they bothered to write a letter to the gair rhydd, attempting to explain to students what the hell they think they're playing at.

The boycott of students’ coursework and exam papers was started on 8 March, in protest over pay. The level of support that the unions are ‘enjoying’ from students are shown by the fact that, as I'm writing this, there's a small number of somewhat sheepish lecturers standing outside the Students’ Union, trying to win over student support for their boycott.

As it stands, if their action continues, no-one in the third year will actually be able to graduate. Everyone else will not be able to find out what marks they have, so no students will know whether they will have to take resits, let alone what marks they have.

The original action was hard to argue with. The one day walkout from university had clear effects for students that could be worked around.

The lecturers had a good reason to strike. There's no disputing that they have been given a bad deal. But they cannot possibly expect support now.

The AUT have forsaken students caring about them by not doing the same in return Today’s letter is 52 days overdue.

The attempt at a ‘consultation’ outside the Students’ Union today is a case of much too little, much too late.

The letter also shows that nothing has changed in the AUT’s attitude. It wouldn’t have mattered if their members had explained to students properly why they are stopping us from graduating, but that hasn’t happened. The letter is composed of a very long list of whining, but not much else.

It seems to have completely escaped the AUT that whilst they're trying to push the university into giving them a better pay deal, they're actually punishing us. It wouldn't be as bad if they actually had the consideration to explain to us what they are doing.

The fact is that if the AUT respected students enough to tell them what was going on, they would have more support and have a much stronger chance of getting what they want from the university. But they’ve forsaken the chance of students caring about them by not doing the same in return.

BALLS I ’m a big fan of advertising in all its forms. Many others feel otherwise. But you can guarantee they’d be the first to start crying if Barry Scott, the Duracell bunny and the Scottish Widow vanished overnight.

Without ads on TV, we'd never get a chance to go to the loo during Lost.

Without it on billboards, we wouldn't have anything to look at whilst walking down roads (on a side note, the best poster ever was in my home town for Alfa Romeo - 'Because people from Chelmsford expect more than just the average'. They really, really don’t.) So all in all, it's pretty lovely.

But every two years our advertising screens are lent over to either the World Flaming Cup, or Euro Flaming <insert year>. You can forget about the Muller Rice captain (actually, I think he was forgotten about long ago, but you get the idea).

Every programme insists that everyone’s gone football mad.

GRADUATION: Neeeeeever going to happen I’m going to make this as simple as possible for any hardcore AUT members reading this. I’ve paid thousands in tuition fees to come here, and am over £10,000 in debt. I have no control over the wages you are paid, and after the sheer arrogance of your union, I quite frankly don’t care. Seeing as you don’t have the courtesy to tell me why you are putting in jeopardy the likelihood of me passing my degree on time, and you have taken months to tell me why, then don’t bother me in the street and expect my support.

It does aggrieve me to have to write this about the body that supposedly represents people that I’ve worked with for almost four years. But there’s a pretty sizeable difference between my lecturers who tell me their own views on the boycott - which seem more than reasonable - and the AUT decision-makers who are keeping this action going. Having spoken to students in other departments it is largely the same across the board.

But in the end, I don’t care whether it’s the lecturers or the university that backs down first, as long as our work will finally get marked. I’m almost at the end of university and have enough to try and deal with without having to think about that.

Coincidentally, I’ve got 52 days left until I’m leaving the country. It would be pretty darned great if I could have a degree by the time I leave.

If not, I’m going to have a heck of a time explaining to employers across the Big Pond why those crazy striking Europeans mean I don’t actually have a degree.

The Third Manifesto

T

urning to a completely differ- Blimey. But both projects underscore ent kind of manifesto to the a particular problem in leftist ones I’ve looked at in the thought: no-one knows what to think past few weeks: there seems to any more.

The Euston Manifesto can’t even be a sudden urge amongst intellectual organisations to pen their decide on the big topic of the day, principles and beliefs for the whether or not to support the war in Iraq. It’s proponents have been split world to revel in.

The one making all the big waves straight down the middle, so no has been the Euston Manifesto, agreement has emerged.

The Manifesto Club, meanwhile, penned by a mix of academics, and is largely composed of members of claiming support from journalists Spiked Online. I spent a month and bloggers. there last summer. Whilst there The manifesto is aimed at was doubtlessly enough ideas opposing tyranny, racism, bouncing around the place to whilst developing freedom, keep their current affairs venture human rights and equality. afloat, they certainly couldn’t In short, it is a talking be put into the straightjackshop of the Left. et of manifesto principles.

At the same time, the It looks like there’s Manifesto Club tried to about to be a rather sizelaunch their own new decable outbreak of intellectularation of ideals. The al posturing - it’s pretty manifesto is aimed at much what blogging was developing ideas of invented for. freedom, human But what shouldn’t be rights and equality. ignored is the fact that In short, it is anoththere’s enough life in the er talking shop of Left that it can support the Left. two such ventures at the To give the same time. At a time Manifesto Club when talk of the New credit, they at Right seems to be least have the increasing by the lofty ambition day, it’s good to of ‘reclaiming know there’s life in the E n l i g h t m e n t ’ . COMMUNIST: Joke still funny the old dog yet.

BURNING: Good McDonalds announce their promotions are for ‘real fans only’.

Pepsi insist we’ll tell our children about fictional Xbox winning football homecomings. And footballers apparently end every training session with a Pringles kickabout. Should the Muller Rice captain ever be resurrected, odds are he’d be shoved down a park for a quick game with archive footage of the 1966 England team.

It’s bad enough you can’t move for Flaming football championships through the whole summer without Ronald McDonald turning on you too.

My worst World Cup memory was during France 1998. I was on a French exchange and was staying with a particularly odd French family. I ended up stuck with celebrating French folk for what was the longest weekend of my short life.

But it’s at least good to know that we’re not the only people that turn into complete eegits come the quadannual events.

In the meantime, I can only suggest that anyone else of the same mindset as me settle down with some nice VHS tapes and blockade your self into your house. It’s going to be a long summer.

Letters

Page 8

May 8 2006

letters@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd letters page HELLO EVERYONE, Menon has returned. Some people thought I had been ditched, but I took a week off due to reasons beyond my control, or something like that. How are you all? This week, the lecturers of Cardiff have taken over- their response to the pay crisis is featured on today’s page. Anyway, moving on swiftly (and once I assure you), I read that on May 4 2006 at 01.02 and three seconds, the time and date will look like this: 01.02.03 04/05/06. Who on Earth would think up something like that? What a loser. Enjoy. Menon.

Mickel Pickle ANDREW MICKEL, writing in last week’s gair rhydd, makes various claims regarding the motion put to Student Council several months ago regarding sexual health amongst students.

While accusing others of for failing to do there research properly, Mr Mickel goes on to claim that, “the motion was hidden amongst several separate points, meaning it couldn’t be discussed properly.”

While I accept that my view from the Chair may have been obscured at times, I do not recall seeing Mr Mickel in the meeting.

Every motion that comes to Student Council is rigorously debated, often line by line, sometimes for several hours, amendments are made and the proposer is questioned at length.

In terms of this motion, every line, and in particular the call to campaign for a GUM clinic on campus were subject to the same meticulous attention to detail as ever. In the end, the motion passed unanimously, with one abstention, which is a very rare occurrence in Council.

One of the most serious and downright dangerous breaches of journalistic responsibility this paper has seen comes elsewhere in the article. Mickel claims that “the nearest GUM clinic already has a six and eight week waiting list for men and women respectively.”

Any student who has concerns about their sexual health who has now been put off getting tested by this, be assured that it is absolute rubbish.

There are weekly drop-in clinics at the Cardiff Royal Infirmary, where you can get tested and have your results within a couple of days.

There is also plenty of advice available within the Union and the Student Health Centre. Playing with people’s health over what seems like an increasingly personal dispute between Andrew Mickel and some of those who ran for election is outrageous.

Whatever the personal issues going on here, for this highly irresponsible and false claim, I hope Mickel will do the decent thing and issue a retraction and an apology.

Dom Hannigan, Chair, Student Council

Support Withdrawn WELL CONGRATULATIONS to you and the Students’ Union in general for making yourself look like complete tits once again.

You can’t initially support the limited industrial action taken by lecturing staff and then withdraw your support and encourage students to harass senior staff simply because its become a mild inconvenience.

When you initially supported the industrial action didn’t you think that it just might effect students down the road, or didn’t you think that far ahead?

The position on this matter is indefensible and utterly hypocritical.

Granted the support or non-support of the Students’ Union on the matter is hardly going to make or break it for the lecturing staff, but the ineffectiveness of the SU to have any effect on anything ever is not the point, if the SU is going to stand on anything it should be on principle.

I’m fairly ambivalent towards the action, but if I was stupid enough to support it when it didn’t effect me I’d be somewhat of a moral and intellectu-

Text: 07791165837 Donkey Magic is the way forward. I’ve seen it and it’s donkey shaped.

Crossword missing 4.5 down who shits them out?

Ross and Adam touch each other, i just watch.

I just lost the game.

Come back Boose, all is forgiven!

3H Talybont Court, can you make your flat orgies a bit quieter please? U sounds like a herd of elephants during mating season. Lose some weight.

Gair Rhydd is hair sized using predictive text

Nice hair Bethan.

U c a n’ t t r u s t s a gittarians calle d A n g e la.

Rory 4H Talybont Court, you are a wasted dopehead who needs a map use the lift next time you twat or you’ll get a rocket ride up to the right flat. cunt.

al vacuum if I withdrew that support when it adversely effected me.

Finally gair rhydd and the Students’ Union have shown their true colours as morally reprehensible, shallow minded and arrogant.

My advice to Dr Grant would be to tear up all the unmarked coursework all the Student Union lemmings send him and use it to stock in the Union toilets as low-grade toilet paper.

You hypocritical morons deserve no less.

Regards Mark, Post-grad History GR says: Besides that fact that reporting on the actions and views of the students who make up Cardiff’s Student Council, as well as the overall student population is, literally, the main reason for our existance. The Union’s Executive were placed under mandate by the Student Council to begin campaigning for an end to the ongoing dispute. Bringing this fact to the attention of the lecturers boycotting assessement marking seemed to be a logical place to start.

The Union hadn’t, as you suggest, until student council on the April 24, ever adopted policy in favour of the ongoing industrial action. Policy only ever existed in favour of the one day walk out on March 7. The Student Council, which last week’s front page related to, was merely the first chance after Easter for the topic to be debated by students. Therefore to label us hypocrytical for ‘withdrawing our support’ seems somewhat wide of the mark as one cannot withdraw something which never existsed.

Student Hypocrisy I WAS just reading about the illegal burger vans and thinking about the hypocrisy that is being a student.

We are outraged at the student-hating, money-grabbing wankers trying to force feed us e.coli. But they wouldn't be there if people weren't queuing to hand over their money once they'd been kicked out of comeplay. gair rhydd is always full of anti-Tesco propaganda as no-one wants to see local shopkeepers lose their livelihood.

But ultimately, students are poor and Tesco is cheap. Most students (and people in general) shop there; that's why they keep opening more shops. I know my new Primark top was probably made by a seven-yearold in a Filipino sweatshop, but it's really nice. And it cost £X. The stereotype of students as political activists formed in the past puts a lot of pressure on students in the 21st century to conform, whether they are genuinely passionate about something or just feel like they should be. This just translates into half-hearted gestures, like banning Coke, being made because no-one wants to look like they don’t care.

Meg, third year Leaving aside that most fruit and veg is much cheaper in greengrocers’, the effect of supermarkets on communities is destructive at best - witness ASDA’s walkover of the Queen’s Market in east London. Being poor is no excuse for being narrow-minded. And you’d care if your kids were in a sweat shop.

Will Dean -gair rhydd Deputy Editor.

letter of the week Lecturers Speak Out Dear Cardiff Students, ARE YOU concerned about the marking of your upcoming exams and assessements?

You are no doubt aware that many lecturers in Cardiff University are currently involved in industrial action called ‘Action Short of a Strike’. This involves a full boycott of exam marking and assessment.

This action is being taken by academic staff belonging to the union called the Association of University Teachers (AUT). The other lecturers’ union, the National Association of Teachers in Further and Higher Education (NATFHE) is taking the same action. The National Union of Students supports our action.

The examination period at Cardiff University starts on May 15. Most examinations will go ahead and assessment deadlines will not be changed. If you are concerned about whether or not your examinations will be marked, we understand your position and wish to clarify the situation.

What is happening and why?

This industrial action is national and affects all universities in the UK. If the dispute is not resolved soon, and graduation or progression into the next year of study is delayed, this will affect all UK students in Higher Education.

Action Short of a Strike is reversible, that is, examination and essay marking will resume as soon as an agreement is reached with our employers.

University lecturers often don’t start earning a salary until their midtwenties, because of the many years involved in obtaining the necessary qualifications and expertise. Over the last 20 years, academic salaries have decreased by 40 per cent when compared to similarly trained professionals. On Newsnight in 2004 Tony Blair commented that, ‘university academics are probably the one group of professionals in the country whose salaries have barely risen in line with inflation.’ At present, within a few years of leaving university, many of you will be earning far in excess of the academic staff who taught you.

Strike action, and action short of a strike, is virtually the only effective means by which academics can put pressure on university employers to listen to us. University lecturers feel very uncomfortable about disrupting your education. However, in a recent ballot 81 per cent voted in favour of industrial action, which shows just how strongly AUT and NATFE members feel about the deterioration in salaries. In the long term, the continued underpayment of lecturers, by discouraging new entrants to the profession and further demoralising existing staff, will make universities a poorer environment for learning.

A major review of Higher Education undertaken in 1999 (the

Bett Report), identified the low pay of university staff as a problem, Tony Blair acknowledged it, the government has increased funding, and vice chancellors promised to use ‘at least a third’ of the extra £3.4 billion which will be received by universities in the next two years to improve salaries. They are now reneging on this promise, and are refusing to meet with us to discuss our case.

Over the last 20 years, while pay has gone down in real terms, more and more students have entered higher education and the workload and pressures on staff have increased enormously. Many staff can only cope with this by working very long hours over and above the normal working week; hours for which they are not paid. Most are totally fed up with the universities’ refusal to recognise this extra effort, and are no longer prepared to do so unless the universities pay them a reasonable wage.

The AUT asked the employers to honour their commitment to increasing our salaries in early October 2005. However, the University Employers just ignored this claim, and the AUT eventually decided to ballot on industrial action. Please help us to ensure a sound future for Higher Education in the UK, by encouraging the University Employers to invest adequately in their most important asset: their staff.

What can you do?

1. You can convey your concerns to the University Vice Chancellor, Dr.David Grant, by sending a message to: v-c@cf.ac.uk 2. You can ask your own union, Cardiff Students’ Union, to take action to help bring the dispute to a close.

3. You can learn more about the industrial action by visiting the AUT website at www.aut.org.uk.

4. You can also talk to your lecturers about what is right, or wrong, about the dispute The next few weeks are critical. If you want to act, act now.

Cardiff AUT members

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life? Want to get your point across to the Cardiff student population? Then your in the right place! Email us your letters on the above address.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also feel free to note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

Politics

May 8 2006

Page 9

politics@gairrhydd.com

The plan for Iran

By Hector Roddan Political Correspondent

I

t was a picture-perfect tactical strike, back in the heady days of 2003 when the nation united with one voice, the government listened to the voters and our forces legitimately invaded Iraq. Or something like that anyway. And now, we’re ready for stage two…

The pacifists allege that war with Iran is coming. Already posters are being deployed with devastating tactical accuracy, and already there have been casualties. A sense of reality from the poster-makers was the first to go, as this campaign seems to be a direct result of the recent ‘discovery’ of ‘ s e c r e t ’ American plans to invade Iran.

Think about that for a moment: a plan. Don’t the pacifists realise, we all make

plans. But events intervene and the plan becomes useless; just an idea of what we would do had things not happened. Likewise, governments are full of plans for particular scenarios.

For instance, how much fuss would there have been if, on July 7, the government had just shrugged its shoulders and said, ‘Gosh, didn’t plan for that!’ Instead, the relevant long-drawnup plans went into operation.

With Iran, it is arguably the same.

The plan details an invasion, not any commitment to make it happen. It is surely the job of governments to prepare for eventualities. After all, they’d look a bit thick if they declared war and then had to pull out an atlas to work out where they were going.

This plan is not proof of any big conspiracy when you look at it sensibly which, I fear, is not what the ‘Hands off Iran’ campaign ever intended to do.

Selective blindness is vital to maintaining an ideology of any sort. Both the pro- and anti-war sides blind themselves to things they don’t want to know.

An example from the Iraq war would be t h e human rights of the

RELISH: is Rumsfeld looking forward to another expensive disaster?

Kurds.

However, in this case I feel the pacifists are making a morally questionable argument: ‘Hands off Iran’ not only condones the rule of a brutal theocratic government but also implies that any use of pressure against Iran is wrong. With your hands off you aren’t touching at all.

Therefore, according to this poster, the campaign implicitly opposes not only military action but any intervention whatsoever, including presumably the current attempts to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons.

If we take it that there is no serious ‘march to war’ underway, it follows that this must be what they oppose.

Unless of course they are seriously objecting to governments planning for an eventuality, in which case, they effectively oppose the raison d’etre of many government departments.

Of course this may be a symbolic display of solidarity with the people of Iran. However, it is a generally held view that people are happier and generally better off under a system of representative democracy.

By opposing any action against Iran they are suggesting that it is fine for Iranians to live under a totalitarian dictatorship and have little or no freedom of speech, unlike people in the UK who are free to put up posters to their heart’s content.

What, therefore, was the point of the campaign?

It cannot have been to make a serious political point of any sort, as many of the points it implies are morally questionable.

I can only conclude that the aim of this over-zealous poster campaign was to provoke speculation and panic by making people aware of a potential war that seems unlikely to happen soon, drawing propaganda points and little else.

CHAMP-ELEON

By Tim Hewish Political Correspondent

T

he political stock market re-emerged strongly this week after another round of heavy buying and selling of peerages occurred.

It has been claimed that the recently deceased Peter Law, independent MP for Blaenau Gwent, was offered a peerage by Labour in return for not standing against his former party in the last general election.

He stood, and overturned a huge majority to win what had been the safest Labour seat in Wales. It is strange to think that a man of Mr Law’s calibre was once in a party such as Labour; if only another Welshman of a different era wielded the same conscience.

In 1922 Prime Minister Lloyd

what hypocritical in the light of Labour’s recent ‘Black Wednesday’.

Dave the Chameleon is certainly an extremely amusing propaganda push, everyone should visit the website for a few minutes of giggles. However, the Labour marksmen should really attack the whole Tory Party, not bulls-eye Cameron into a caricature.

Labour should really attack the whole Tory party Whilst Cameron is happy to be blended shades of red, green, yellow and blue, Labour appear to be simply colourless, or to put it another way, lifeless.

UPSCALE: Cameron may come out of Labour’s troubles on top George started selling peerages as ‘a far cleaner method of filling the party chest than the methods used in the United States.’ However true this may be, King George IV was at pains with his PM over the appointments to his Upper House.

These men were often distrusted, thought too much of themselves and certainly didn’t add to the democratic process. You only have to think: what if George Galloway took a peerage and ended up in the Lords?

Instead, he chose the wrong kind of house to voice his opinions.

What if George Galloway took a peerage and ended up in the Lords?

Like Blair, Lloyd George ironically made significant headway in diminishing the House of Lord’s power during his Premiership, so it seems peculiar that they both filled the Lords and their pockets with peers and dirty money respectively.

Blair’s previous tirades against the Tories for being full of sleaze, and pledges that Labour would be ‘purer than pure’, now seem some-

The local elections should show how faded and sepia looking Labour’s actions and policies are: One, Blair is still PM. Two, disillusioned white working-class voters will mark a cross next to the BNP for being abandoned by the ‘working class’ party.

Three, we have a failing NHS into which billions have gone and only bodies come out.

Four, the sheer sexual logistics of Prescott’s affair.

Five, the bloody mess that is Iraq.

Six, the freeing of foreign criminals onto Britain’s streets.

Seven, the cash for peerage scandal.

In a nutshell, Blair couldn’t sell his name on the ballot paper for love nor money, yet he can still sell a few peerages along the way. He wants to forge a legacy; at present he is forging one of destruction from within.

If he continues to follow in Lloyd George’s footsteps he’ll sound the death knell for his party by not stepping down at the right time.

The only hope is that history will repeat itself, as since Lloyd George’s demise the Liberals have never re-gained power, subsequently Labour may share in the same fate. The future’s bright, the future’s Chameleon coloured.

Health

Page 10

May 8 2006

health@gairrhydd.com

Student nurses face job crisis Health examines the worrying trend emerging in the NHS that is leaving more and more graduate student nurses without an income.

By Liz Stauber & Lydia james Health Correspondents

where they will consider working and what they want to do.

The Royal College of Nursing lead adviser in management, Jean Bailey, has warned that by having fewer job opportunities now, it will mean fewer nursing students registering in the next three or four years because of the lack of placements.

T

HOUSANDS OF STUDENT nurses face the prospect of being without an NHS job when they graduate this summer.

Around twenty thousand nurses are set to finish their degree schemes and, due to mounting NHS debts, as many as half may struggle to find employment.

The current crisis in the NHS is due to one in four trusts failing to balance their books in 2004 - 2005 period, leaving the NHS with a deficit of £250 million. Though this year’s figures have not been released, it is thought that the situation has worsened with announcements in recent weeks of 6,000 redundancies as trusts try to stay in the black.

The British Nursing Association said that it believed the UK would never be able to train enough nurses to meet the demand caused by Britain's ageing population.

To meet the forecast demand, the NHS undertook a massive recruitment drive, focusing on countries such as the Philippines where there was, at that time, a surplus of qualified nurses and a large unemployment problem; ironically, the situation seems to have been reversed eight years later.

NHS trusts have now imposed recruitment freezes because of their mounting debts leaving Britain facing a ‘time-bomb’ according to the Royal College of Nursing (RCN) General Secretary, Dr Malone, who believes that failing to replace nurses who are approaching retirement age will lead to a repeat of the 1998 staff shortages.

However, the RCN has recently tabled a motion demanding the government ensure that each new nurse has a job to go to saving time and money for the NHS and minimizing frustration amongst trainees.

North of the border in Scotland, graduate nurses enjoy the situation

I costs £100,000 to train a nurse, yet this money is currently being wasted

NHS: Not Helping Students where they are guaranteed a post in the NHS after university, and nurses at the Royal College of Nursing (RCN) Conference have called for the government to ensure the same conditions are now rolled out in every region.

Dr Malone also went on record as saying it would be “short sighted” to spend money on training nurses, knowing there are no positions for them to take up.

Speaking at a press conference after her speech at the RCN’s annual conference, Dr Malone said that nurses feared they would be pushed into a situation where providing care would resemble working in a factory. If the situation with job shortages and deficit

NEWS IN BRIEF

By Laura Murphy Health Co-Editor

A UK study has found that pressure from the media and peers for boys to fit certain physical ideals can lead to eating disorders.

Peer pressure and media images have long been thought to lead to eating disorders in teenaged girls, but research published in the British Journal of Health Psychology has suggested that boys are similarly affected.

SCIENTISTS RESEARCHING seasonal birth trends have found that people born in the spring or early summer face an increased risk of suicide, alcoholism or depression.

The study, published in the British Journal of Psychiatry, found that babies born in April, May or June were 17% higher risk of sui-

cide than those born in the autumn. Research leader Dr Emad Salib, said that this could be because the baby’s health prospects are linked to it’s seasonal experiences in the womb.

BRITAIN’S HAPPINESS is in decline, according to an opinion poll for the BBC2 series The Happiness Formula.

The proportion of people who say they are ‘very happy’ has fallen from 52% in 1957 to just 36% today, echoing a trend already shown in the US. Britons are more likely to put off having a family for fun and a career, a recent poll for The Guardian has shown. 64% of men and 51% of women said it was more important for women to enjoy themselves than have children.

continues, nurses will consider taking action.

She said, “If they want proof they should take a long hard look at the unpaid overtime worked by nurses - an average of one day extra, every week of the year”.

Without the security of available NHS jobs, graduates are having to look elsewhere for employment. Grant

Ciccone, who is in his final weeks at the University of Central England, said he has applied to fifty trusts without success, and is now considering a job offer from Tesco.

A Department of Health spokeswoman said that there are still plenty of jobs for newly qualified staff in many areas of the NHS, but the graduates need to be more flexible about

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Many place the blame for the situation on the doorstep of the Labour government, saying their rapid and ill thought out NHS reforms, have lead to the current financial crisis.

The deficits have been known about for four or five years, yet the government has decided to take action now instead of allowing trusts to pay the money back over several years.

It costs £100,000 to train a nurse over 3 years yet this money is being wasted because the NHS cannot afford to take on as many nurses as it needs.

The goodwill of nurses has always been taken for granted, with nurses working an average of one day unpaid overtime every week of the year; putting patient care first. But with more job cuts being announced each day and vacancies for graduates like gold dust, it might not be too long before the government is forced to realize just how much nurses do for Britain.

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May 8 2006

Science & Environment

Page 11

science@gairrhydd.com

Marking the disaster Following the recent 20th anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster, visiting MEP Jill Evans talks to Andrew Mickel about life at the site of the world’s worst nuclear disaster

O

n April 26, 20 years ago, Reactor No 4 at Chernobyl nuclear power station in what is now Ukraine exploded. In what has become a totemic symbol of the problems with nuclear industry. To mark the anniversary, Plaid MEP and chair of nuclear campaign group CND Cymru, Jill Evans, visited the site.

The land is now largely deserted, with the locals banned from returning to the site - although this is a rule that many of them choose to ignore.

Despite being one of the most lethal places on Earth, Jill still got to visit the reactors up close. “We went to the power station. There were originally four reactors, but even after the explosion, three were kept working.

“We did go into Reactor Four, but there’s a sarcophagus over it now. The problem is that is has cracks in it now.

There’s a new project to replace it, and the EU’s helping, as it’s in everyone’s interest to keep it safe.”

Whilst it’s only really safe for visitors to quickly pass in and out, there are some people who have to work there constantly to keep the site safe.

“We were only allowed to stay there for twenty minutes. There are very few people there – we just saw some of the scientists who go in by train. They work four days on, four days off.”

Without the work of scientists in the area – in particular the ‘liquidators’ who sacrificed their own lives in the immediate aftermath of the disaster, the site would be a far greater hazard than it is now.

In neighbouring Belarus, the cleanup bill currently stands at £131.5 billion “We also met some of the residents who’ve gone back. One man told us that four to five days after the explosion, as the Soviet Union were trying to cover it up, that it was only then that they were told they had to pack their things up and leave.

“They were taken to Kiev. The land they were given was very poor.

Despite what the government said, they went back to their land. They had

SITE: Devastated land

with the clear-up still costing Belarus, Ukraine and Russia hundreds of billions of pounds a year, Ukraine is still pushing ahead with nuclear power as a solution to its energy needs. Jill remains unconvinced by the need for it. “I can’t understand it myself. I know they’ve got to make a difficult decision, as they don’t want to be reliant on Moscow.

Companies who’ve lost nuclear contracts in Europe are pushing hard in the Ukraine

CHERNOBYL: Jill Evans and the encased Reactor No 4 chickens and a pig and were growing their own food.

“They were still angry the government were still promising them that they would be rehoused, but nothing was happening.”

Still, despite the enormity of the disaster, it may not be clear why a Plaid MEP would be visiting the area.

As it happens, the region’s ties to Wales are surprisingly substantial. 350 North Wales hill farms are still contaminated and working under restrictions – having had substantial quantities of radioactive material dumped on them by wind and rain. They now suffer the worst effects of the disaster outside of Ukraine, Belarus and Russia.

But there is at least one good story to come from Wales links with the regions. “The other link with the area are the many children from Chernobyl with leukaemia and other cancers.

They come every summer holiday to breathe in the clean air in an uncontaminated environment.”

To mark the 20th anniversaries various reports have been released to try

and quantify the effects of the disaster.

But whilst the official World Health Organisation (WHO) report suggested that just 4,000 people die a year, four other reports released suggested the rate to be 700-1500% of that level. Jill says that, even now, the worst is not fully acknowledged. “One reason [for the discrepancy between reports] was that the WHO looked at just Belarus,

Ukraine and Russia, as the worst affected countries, instead of all of Europe. I’ve heard another report is coming out with even higher numbers for the cancer rates. What it shows is we need a proper independent inquiry.

A lot of the results are only showing themselves now.”

Despite having had the worst nuclear disaster happen on its soil, and

“But we know that big nuclear companies who’ve lost their big contracts in places like Germany are pushing hard in countries like the Ukraine. “ The cost of the continuing clean-up is phenomenal. In neighbouring Belarus alone, the bill currently stands at £131.5 billion. It is not surprising that the disaster has left such a long shadow over the use of nuclear power in Europe, and effectively stopped its use in many countries. In the UK alone, a government report last year noted that there was enough radioactive waste being unsafely stored to fill the Albert Hall six times, in what would definitely amount to some pretty bizarre concerts.

Considering we cannot even keep control of our own nuclear waste, it’s no surprise that Chernobyl still poses so much relevance to the decisions we make about our energy future.

Media

Page 12

May 8 2006

media@gairrhydd.com

Media Awards ceremony 2006 This week Media bring you all of the thrills and spills, tears and tantrums and winners and losers from last week’s annual student media shindig CARDIFF UNIVERSITY'S annual Student Media Awards took place last Friday, marking another successful year for Cardiff's four-fold student media.

Hosted by BBC Radio 1's Bethan Elfyn and Huw Stevens, the awards were given to Cardiff students who are members of either gair rhydd, or Quench, Xpress Radio, the Photographic Society or Film Society.

With a raucous after-party back at the union, section editors, DJs, screenwriters and photographers alike enjoyed the awards, now in their ninth year.

Competition for this year’s gongs was “fiercer than ever,” according to Tom Wellingham, Media Officer. As well as the usual hotly-contested categories, there were several new awards this year. Wellingham added: “More entries were submitted to our panel of industry judges than ever before.”

The Photographic Society made their third appearance at the awards, having introduced two new categories, their work was judged this year by professional photographer Laura Bates.

Photographic Society president, Mary Treneman told gair rhydd that she'd really enjoyed the awards and was impressed the glamourus surroundings of the Macdonald Holland House Hotel. She said: “Bethan and Huw were really entertaining and perfect hosts for the evening.”

Mary presented the most dedicated member award to current vice-president Steve. She added: “I wish him the best of luck with the society for next year. I just hope we get more of a turn out as I was a little disappointed with the lack of representation this year so hopefully that will change for next year.”

Film Society drew industry judges from S4C and Aden Productions and awarded its members for Best Screenplay, Best Review, Best Film, and Most Dedicated Member. Sophie Robehemed, who was awarded Best Review, told gair rhydd: “I was totally surprised when I heard my name being called out because I had submitted the review really last minute. I am chuffed because I got shortlisted last year, so it’s nice to take home an award this year.” Robehemed was recently voted in as Quench editor for next year and she added: “It’s great to see Film Society raise their profile at awards like these because a lot of people feel passionately about film, I’ll be looking forward to liasing with them next year.” The Most Dedicated Member award went to Sean St John, who also took home ‘Best Screenplay’ with Emily Stebbings.

Xpress Radio took the award for best judge, as the legendary Huw Edwards of BBC News decided the winner for their ‘Best Newsreader’ category. Other industry judges included

presenter Marsha Shandur from Xfm, BBC Radio Wales editor Steve Austins and previous station manager Hiten Vaghmaria, now working for BBC London.

Tim Vizard, head of mainstream programming on this year’s Xpress executive commented that: “The awards were brilliant, and it’s really great for everyone involved in Xpress past and present to enjoy themselves.”

Quench magazine drew comments from NME, Big Issue Cymru and Buzz magazine. The highly coveted Best Section was awarded to Music this year. It was judged by Noel Gardner from Buzz who said: “ Music, I honestly thought, made the best use of its resources, with simple but effective editorial ideas and great touches in terms of layout.”

Kerry-Lynne Doyle won the award for Best Feature.

That was judged by Cathryn Scott, editor of Big Issue Cymru, who commented that: “The winner stood out for many reason. The piece took a global issue but presented it in a context that was relevant to the student readership and the Cardiff area.

Finally, gair rhydd

Interviews: What the winners told gair rhydd Name: Andrew Mickel Age: 21 Media: gair rhydd Award: Best Columnist/Interview

I

nvolved with student media for only a year at Cardiff, Andrew Mickel who is gair rhydd's current columnist took away two awards at this year's ceremony.

Winning Best Interview (for a piece with Alan Fletcher, aka Dr Karl Kennedy) and Best Columnist, his reasons for joining Cardiff's official student newspaper were not for its reputation, but his love for ‘writing words’.

Graduating this summer with a politics degree, he agrees that his further Name: Tim Vizard Age: 22 Media: Xpress Radio Award: Most Dedicated Member

F

rom his first year here at Cardiff, Tim has been involved with both Xpress Radio, gair rhydd and Quench.

However, deciding to concentrate on student radio saw Tim take Best Mainstream Show at last year’s award, topped this year by collecting Most Dedicated Member.

Graduating this year with a language and communication studies degree, he hopes his work on Xpress Radio will help in pursuing a job in either the radio or music industry.

We caught up with Tim to ask him

career choices have been influenced by his involvement with the student paper: “ I am going to try and get into journalism now. I think I'll be aiming for a postgrad, once I get back from a year in Canada.”

Andrew’s highlight of the year was “Being described as the ‘ubiquitous failed town planner’,” by Peter Preston. He recalls from Friday that, “when my name was announced for Best Interview, I wasn't sure I had won as I'd had a fair amount to drink. I didn't stand up at first, I just sat there clapping and looking to see if anyone else stood up. Eventually I asked the person next to me if I’d won. They sent me on MICKEL: If Karl could see him now my way.” after three years with Cardiff student media, what were his best and worse moments?

“The best has to be getting to interview bands, present shows, meet lots of people and also playing rugby on the balcony of the students’ union.”

The worst Tim recalls easily: “Spending four hours editing a twominute feature only for the computer to crash and delete everything! Oh, and loosing a rugby ball off the balcony of the students’ union.”

He thanks Jen Long, this year’s Station Manager who he said: “Has worked non-stop to keep the station running. “Tim added: “The awards were brilliant, good food, free wine and great hosting from Huw and VIZZARD: Xtreme dedication Bethan.”

found judges spanning the industry, from Meirion Jones, of BBC Newsnight and a former gair rhydd editor to Peter Preston, columnist and former editor of the guardian.

Comments received for all entries recognised the high standard of competition this year, however News, winners of Best Section were particularly pleased with comments by Meirion Jones: “First is news - even better than last year. The rat story gets my vote everytime and the photos were terrific.

Perri Lewis, Charissa Coulthard, Dan Ridler and Caroline Farewell all obviously know exactly what

Name: Ryan Owen Age: 24 Media: Film Soc. and Quench Award: Best Film

R

yan Owen has been a member of film society since his first days as a journalism student at Cardiff .

Winning best screenplay at last years awards, Ryan took Best Film this year for film Cadaver, which was judged by John Gywn, Producer at Aden Productions.

Owen comments that he decided to get involved with the Film Society because: “I wanted to carry on my passion for films. Also, I didn't want to risk the chance of getting free DVDs that I could sell for millions on eBay”.

Joint film editor for Quench (with Cat Gee) he says the highlight of this year has been: “Being editor of a film section that was nominated for best section, second only to music (who won). Seeing Cat in a dress and not forgetting my interviews with Danny Boyle and Scott Ryan.”

Media caught up with Ryan after the awards and asked: You've told us about the best times of student media, how about the worst?

“Having to watch Domino, quite possibly the worst two hours of my life, akin to watching an elephant die.”

Has your activity in student media influenced your career choice?

“I'm not graduating just yet, but yeah, it certainly strengthens my

they’re doing.”

Another competitive award was Best Columnist which was graciously received by current mouthpiece Andrew Mickel. Preston, who has regular columns in both the Guardian and Observer commented: “Andy Mickel won it for me with his Littlejohn-esque pursuit of People and Planet. Good research which told me things I didn’t know, as well as a sure grasp of the wider issue.”

ideas about what I want to do with my life. Now I know for certain that making a mockumentary about dogging is the way forward.”

What are you doing next year within student media?

“I'm going to make my second film, as well as making sure Film beat Music next year. We will beat Music.”

Any other comment about Friday night ?

“Apart from dancing with a badger in pointy shoes and rohypnoling myself, the highlight was (cliché I know) being sat with a great bunch of guys that I will sorely miss next year.

Thanks Greg, Sam, Cat and Geordie, I was off my tits on happiness on Friday”.

OWEN: Film society favourite

Jobs & Money

May 8 2006

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jobs@gairrhydd.com

Real value for money?

Jobs & Money investigates the rumors emerging around the real value of our degree schemes, and asks whether we would have been better off starting work after school?

By Gill Roberts Jobs & Money Correspondent UNTIL LAST week students have always been led to believe that getting a degree was the best way to reach their first rung of the career ladder.

However, it has recently emerged that it is possible for students leaving school with just A-levels to earn a starting salary of around £12,500.

Instead of graduates starting ahead of the pack, it looks like more of a cat and mouse chase when it comes to salaries, with graduates only being able to ‘squeak’ due to their uni debts.

Recent figures show that it may take up to a decade for graduates to catch up to the earnings of a school leaver who has been in full-time work for that time. So for example, a 21-year-old graduate this summer may be working until 2018 before they can match the wealth of an 18-year-old A-Level student starting work this summer.

This has led to problems surfacing in several sectors of traditional graduate employment. The Institute for Mechanical Engineers (IMechE) have said that graduates are becoming increasingly put off by engineering jobs due to the prospect of relatively low pay.

Yet, a survey in 2005 said engineering would be a key sector for graduate recruiters, with an increase of 24.2 per cent in engineering vacancies compared with 2004. However with engineering salaries estimated to rise a mere 2.5 per cent from 2004 to 2005 it demonstrates the financial worries currently influencing graduates.

have done yourself a lot of harm.”

The initial government objective of getting 50 per cent of school leavers into University may become a challenging task. As report author Peter

Accountancy and insurance are two fields where they are only too keen to recruit school leavers

CASH: Leave school and get a job to get your hands on some.

As graduates are already struggling with debts from university fees and accommodation, things don’t seem promising. The average debt at the end of a three-year course is around £8,000 threatening to push graduates to the end of their tether. Money problems are even forcing some students to leave university with one in ten con-

Making the most of your placement

By Gill Roberts Jobs & Money Correspondent AS THE CAREER ladder rises steeper and steeper in front of current students, more and more of us are opting for a year work placement. Jobs and Money take a swift gance at how to make the most of it.

Firstly, congratulations, the job is yours. However, you should always bear in mind the fact that you are starting at the bottom and need to work your way up through the organisation in order to gain higher responsibilities.

You will probably be seen as the ‘student’ in the workplace, so don’t be offended if you are asked to do all the simple jobs. These tasks will be instrumental as a way of proving to your colleagues your dedication, commitment and enthusiasm for even the most menial of tasks.

You may have no assignments,

coursework or exams to stress about for a year, but don’t take the lack of university work load as a break.

You will have to work hard and expand on your existing knowledge base whenever and wherever possible.

During this time, it’s important not to forget about expanding your CV and you should ensure you take up any offers for extra experience or relevant courses which may prove useful later.

It is also advisable to use your excellent social skills and create a good relationship with employers and other companies. A good network can benefit you in the future and help you achieve the next step. Think long term.

Finally, be positive. Employers want you to learn and to gain experience. It can be the time for students to prove employers wrong and to enter the world of work successfully.

sidering quitting their course due to money issues.

The chairman of the director’s pay consultancy, Independent Remuneration Solutions, Mr Brown, has commented on the problems that graduates have in paying off debts, and the time it takes to achieve the appropriate graduate earnings.

He stresses, “I am not saying they are right or wrong going to university, what I am saying is that the costs of being a graduate do make things different.” He continues, “There is so much pressure on kids and they are told the only way to get a decent job is to go to university, but if you go for two years and drop out, then you will

Brown argues: “those who leave school with A-levels have quite a good chance of getting executive positions.

“Accountancy and insurance are two fields where they are only too keen to recruit school leavers, but you have to have the kind of A-Levels you need to get into university.” Often, it seems, students are unaware of alternative options.

It has also been suggested that as well as poor salaries there seems to be fewer jobs available in the graduate sector. Research carried out in 2003 by the Association of Graduate Recruiters (AGR) highlighted that there were 3.4 per cent fewer graduate vacancies than the year before.

Yet, this is not, in fact, as big a crisis as it was in the 90s. In 2003, one in five employers offered starting salaries of £25,000 or more, with many offering fast track options for those who excel.

A light at the end of the tunnel for some graduates, then.

WANT TO EARN

SOME EXTRA CASH? Are you interested in working on the following weekends:

13th May (FA Cup) / 20th May (Heineken Cup) We desparately need Bar & Waiting staff for both of the above dates.

If you are available and interested please contact the Jobshop on 02920 781535/536, e-mail us on jobshop@cf.ac.uk or call in - we are on the ground floor in the Students' Union.

grab!

May 8 2006

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competitions@gairrhydd.com

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

X-citing and X-travagant, It can only be X-Men X-MEN: THE Last Stand, the final chapter in the X-Men motion picture trilogy, is only a matter of weeks away, and I don't know about you guys but I am rather excited! Yes, I am a secret comic geek, and X-Men is top dog in comic-cum-film genius.

Released nationwide on Thursday May 25 by Twentieth Century Fox, this final film shows a ‘cure’ for mutancy threatens to

alter the course of history as for the first time, the mutants have a choice: they can retain their uniqueness, or give up their powers and become human. Arch-enemies and mutant leaders Charles Xavier, (Patrick Stewart), and Magneto, played by the legendary Sir Ian McKellen, are put to the ultimate test - triggering the war to end all wars. God it's exciting.

Within the action-packed story-

line, X-Men: The Last Stand raises issues with strong contemporary relevance: Is it cowardice to give up individuality to fit in and avoid persecution? Is great power a blessing or a curse?

With the help of new recruits Beast and Angel, the X-Men must face evolution in the form of Jean Grey who has become possessed with the cosmic power of the Dark Phoenix, and become a danger to herself, her mutant comrades, and the entire planet. To stave off this imminent threat to humanity, a potential cure is discovered and processed to eliminate genetic mutations, once and for all. As the battle lines are drawn, the X-Men, led by Professor Charles Xavier, must contend with both Jean Grey's world-consuming powers, as well as the Brotherhood, a band of powerful mutants organized under Xavier's former ally, Magneto.

X-Men: The Last Stand reunites all the stars of the first two X-Men films: Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, Halle Berry sporting a fetching white wig as Storm, Ian McKellen as Magneto, Patrick Stewart as

are you hungry?

THANKS TO those lovely people at Penguin, we have five beautiful hardback copies of Dave Eggers’s How We Are Hungry to give away, his first and widely acclaimed collection of short stories to be published together.

Featured in this book is the return of characters from an earlier novel of his, the best short story told from the perspective of a dog you’re ever likely to read, the tale of a lonely woman’s hike up

Kilimanjaro, and twelve other impeccably crafted tales.

A hero of the American contemporary literature scene, our esteemed Books Editor swears by Eggers and stated in the Quench review, “transcendent, lyrical… this acts as a reminder of one of the great American authors of our generation; a talented and defiantly humane writer whose clear love for the short-story format consistently shines through.”

If this isn't enough to make you want to read it, check out the review in Quench.

SHAKEN NOT STIRRED

WITH A NEW BOND movie round the corner, Britain is steadily becoming a cooler and classier place than ever before and there’s never been a better time to shake and stir a cocktail.

Being able to mix a Manhattan to perfection or shake a Vodka-Martini to make Bond proud are the skills any upto-date host should master, and now here is your chance to get the kit to mix like a pro.

Red Square Vodka has teamed up with gair rhydd to give away their Cocktail Mixing Kit away to 2 lucky readers. In the kits you will find; a cocktail recipe book, cocktail glasses, cocktail shaker and, of course, plenty of Red Square Vodka to get you started.

Red Square Vodka is the perfect mixing vodka, it has been triple-distilled for a cleaner, smoother taste and can be used for any vodka-based cocktails, or drank simply with ice for a crisp, refreshing taste.

If you fancy something with a little bit more of a kick, there is always Red Square’s cousin, Red Alert. A caffeine

and taurine drink with a kick it is perfect as a mixer if you intend your night to be long one! Look out for Red on Red deals at bars near you.

Not only does Red Square Vodka have a clean, fresh taste it is also easy on the pocket for a triple distilled vodka. It tastes great and can be found in all major supermarkets at a wallet friendly £8.99 for 70cl.

To be in with a chance to win this prize then answer this simple question and email the usual address: Who is the new James Bond?

A: Daniel Crack B: Daniel Craig C: Daniel Cage

Xavier, Famke Janssen as Jean Gray, and James Marsden as Cyclops. But this time there's the added extra of Kelsey Grammer of Frasier and Cheers fame, who joins the X-Men cast as Dr Henry McCoy, also known as Beast. McCoy has superhuman agility and physical prowess. As the subject of one of his own experiments, McCoy mutated further, growing blue, bestial fur.

Sexy.

Brit Vinnie Jones plays the unstoppable strongman Juggernaut, along with other new characters Shadowcat, a young woman possessing the ability to pass through solid matter, Angel, whose bird-like wings endow him with the gift of flight and Angel's father, whose distress over his son's mutant powers leads him to spearhead the ‘cure’.

Directed by Brett Ratner, who established the Rush Hour franchise and also Red Dragon, directs this third X Men film. Ratner teams up with the producers of the first two X-Men films, and comics legend and X-Men co-creator Stan Lee. To celebrate the release of the

film we have an awesome bundle of prizes to give away to two fellow XMen fans. In the goody bags there is an X-Men: The Last Stand portable mini-radio, PSP case, CD case, T-shirt, baseball cap, mousemat, silicon watch, dog tags, mobile phone stickers, all branded with the X-Men logo.

For the chance to win just enter this simple question, What character did Patrick Stewart famously play in the cult classic show Star Trek?

TM & © 2006 Marvel © Fox

Hooray! The sun is finally shining and no longer does the summer seem like a distant memory! To start your fun-packed summer off in style we at grab! have some wicked prizes to give away this week. Firstly let off some steam with your mates with a Red Square cocktail kit, then relax in a darkened room with not one, but two X-cellent film prizes this week (see what I did there!). And if like lucky me the term is nearly over, why not kick back and relax with a good book, courtesy of Dave Eggers. x.

LAST WEEK’S WINNERS: SABRINA GENEVIEVE is on her way to see The Rakes in the Union with top notch guest list tickets. And EMMA BLUNT was lucky enough to win tickets to the Wychwood Festival in June.

See it first...

On the big screen

CINEWORLD CARDIFF is giving one lucky winner a pair of cinema tickets absolutely free to use for any film, on any day and at any time (as long as noone has beat you to the last seat!).

The cinema on Mary Ann Street offers a range of films, from traditional American studio and independent productions, to festival winners and UK and foreign language films. Their latest big releases include The Ringer and Hostel.

The Ringer is comedy is about two guys who decide to rig the Special Olympics to pay off a debt by having one of them, Steve (Johnny Knoxville), pose as a contestant in the games, hoping to dethrone the reigning champion, Jimmy.

If you prefer gore and guts, Hostel tells the chilling story of two backpackers who visit what’s described as a nirvana for American tourists – a particular hostel in an out-of-the-way Slovakian town. The men quickly find themselves trapped in an increasingly sinister situation that is as wide and as deep as the darkest, sickest recess of human nature itself – if they survive.

There are some great deals to be had at Cineworld Cardiff and if you show your NUS card you can see any

film for just £4.50. The Cineworld Unlimited card is also great value as you can see whatever you like, whenever you like, at any Cineworld Cinema for just £10.99 a month.

To be in with a chance of winning a pair of tickets just email the address at the top of the page.

Even if you don’t win this week, you can still be one of the first to see the latest films by advance booking your tickets now. Call the booking line on 0871 220 8000 or visit the website at www.cineworld.co.uk

Deloitte IMG

Page 16

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weloveimg@gairrhydd.com

THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST

DOUBLE TROUBLE

By David Menon IMG Sports Editor Rampant Cardiff A capped a memorable season on Wednesday, by completing a league and cup double without losing a game.

After clinching the Premiership title a couple of months ago, Cardiff A followed up their success with a comfortable 20-5 win over Law A in the Cup Final.

But Cardiff did not reach the final with relative ease. In a tight semi-final, the title-winners battled hard to secure an 18-16 victory over Carbs A. Cardiff A captain Immacolata Stone was delighted and said “This was a testament to the girls for their commitment in training”.

“Many of our A team players are leaving this year, so this was a great note to go out on. Winning all of our games was a brilliant achievement”.

In the other semi-final, Law A defeated Economics 11-10 in a tense encounter. But the Division One winners failed to make an impact in the one-sided final that followed.

Cardiff looked dangerous from the first whistle, and cruised into a 7-0 lead following goals from Goal-Attack

CLARE DONOVAN IMG CHAIR Another year of IMG is over with last night’s award ball as a nice finish to the year. I’d just like to thank all the teams who came for a really good night.

In particular I would like to thank Kelly Whittaker and James Moore for their help in organising the event.

Along with the Awards Ball this year has seen several changes to IMG including eight additional netball teams, neutral refereeing, and umpiring courses.

I have found this position rewarding, challenging and sometimes frustrating (e.g. unfortunate weather conditions!). I hope that someone will run for this position next year and continue working towards a better IMG. I wish them the best of luck!

Lowri Harry and Goal-Shooter Esther Hunting.

Although Law created chances in this period, Cardiff always looked more likely to score. Their passing was quick and precise, whilst their finishing was clinical.

Nevertheless, despite the difference in class, Law never gave up and produced some good netball in the closing stages of the first half.

Law Goal-Attack Hannah Jennings and Goal-Shooter Rachel Long weighed in with goals as the Division One winners reduced the deficit to 10-3 at half-time.

However, the Law resurgence did not last long. Substitute Goal-Shooter Kelly Whittaker scored twice after the interval and subsequently Cardiff extended their lead to 14-3.

Although Law scored a couple of consolation goals, the Cardiff appetite for goals never ceased at any stage.

Even when the result was beyond doubt, Cardiff kept pushing bodies forward and their determination throughout was admirable.

Whittaker and Harry added further goals to the tally late on as Cardiff completed the rout.

LEAGUE AND CUP CHAMPIONS: Cardiff A pose for the camera

menon on Premiership Round-up the season Dave Menon delivers his final verdict of the IMG football season

DRAW SPECIALISTS: AFC Cathays drew five games out of a possible seven in Phase 2.

WHIPPING BOYS: Three teams win this award; Real Madras, Dental and Hurricanes.

Madras lost 15-0 to Cardiff Uni in Phase 1, the heaviest defeat this season. Dental failed to win a single game and Hurricanes lost all their Phase 2 matches.

EPIC GAME: There were many great games to choose from, but the winner is Locomotive v Pharm AC on the last day. Engine needed one more goal and they scored it with five minutes left. What a way to win the IMG title!

MOST IMPROVED TEAM: Real Madras win this award. After getting thrashed week after week in Phase 1, they soon emerged as unexpected Division Three title contenders.

BEST NEWCOMER: No contest, the winner is Arse’Alona.

This brand new side have been superb and consistent. They only lost one game all season and one goal separated them from the title.

SURPRISE PACKAGE: Gym Gym. Many would have expected History to win Division One, but Gym Gym won comfortably in the end.

TEAM OF THE SEASON: Locomotive. Arse’Alona looked destined to win the title, but Engine kept on fighting and never gave up. After narrowly missing out last time, their title win was thoroughly deserved.

IMG Rugby Round-up Carbs A secured the IMG Rugby title last month after recording a win in every league game this season.

The title winners scored a staggering 297 points in nine games, at an average of 33 points per match.

Carbs A captain Daniel Tingle said “We’re thrilled to be top of the league and I am pleased we won the title again.

The standard of rugby was very high this year”.

“The players continued to put in great performances every week, and it was good to keep the continuity in our squad”.

Tingle has every reason to be delighted with his team, because they failed to remain unbeaten last season despite claiming the title.

In addition, Tingle wanted to congratulate the B team for finishing third in the league.

He added “The success of the B team has been a big part of this season. The depth of the team has come through and I am delighted with their final league position”.

“As seven first-team players are leaving this season, this will give B team players the opportunity

LIFE IS A BEACH: The Carbs rugby squad celebrate after another successful year

LIVING LA VIDA LOCOMOTIVE

to make a step up”.

However, although Tingle was happy with the B team’s season, he thoroughly enjoyed defeating them when the two sides met.

He added “The match against the B team was a grudge match. Beating them was a great moment in our season, as we got one over against our mates. We had a great night out afterwards”.

As Carbs reflect on another excellent IMG Rugby season, the pressure is now on the other teams to take away their supremacy next year.

IMG Rugby

Final table P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

0

251

27

1

Carbs A

9

9

0

2

Engine

9

7

0

2

70

21

3

Carbs B

9

6

1

2

7

19

4

Stoma

9

6

0

3

98

18

5

Masts

9

5

1

3

64

16

6

Medics

9

4

0

5

-148

12

7

Pharmacy

9

3

1

5

-32

10

8

SAWSA

9

2

1

6

-19

7

9

Gym Gym

9

2

0

7

-110

6

10

Law

9

0

0

9

-160

0

LOCOMOTIVE won the Premiership in dramatic style, following a 5-1 victory over Pharm AC. After missing out on IMG silverware last season, Engine stole the glory this time thanks to a crucial fifth goal.

With five minutes remaining, Locomotive needed one more goal to secure the title as rivals Arse’Alona had beaten Carbs 6-1. At this stage, Locomotive’s goal difference and number of points were level with Arse’Alona.

But Engine broke this deadlock. The ball fell kindly to Locomotive’s Fernando Sucre who fired home from 10 yards to complete a memorable hat-trick and day for his team.

Locomotive captain Steven Davies said “Winning the title has capped my four years at university. It’s the first time we have been crowned as champions since the club formed ten years ago”.

“I have really enjoyed this year. Although we won the league, the boys have had a great laugh off the pitch too”.

With two games left, Arse’Alona appeared to be clear favourites. The new side had not lost a game all season and were sitting pretty at the top for the best part of the Phase 2 campaign.

But former champions Law A left the race wide open

by unexpectedly defeating Arse’Alona 3-0 on Monday.

Davies added “It was ours to win. Moments before we scored the important goal, I thought we had messed it up and lost the league. There was a great feeling of relief when we scored”.

“We must thank Arse’Alona for their sportsmanship after the game. The Arse’Alona lads shook hands with us and congratulated us afterwards, this was good to see”.

Meanwhile, Arse’Alona were so close to winning the Premiership after recording an impressive 6-1 victory over fellow title-contenders Carbs.

After leading 1-0 at halftime, Arse’Alona stepped up a gear and scored five in an action-packed second half.

Striker Olly Tolcher notched

Locomotive stage late drama to steal this years title

Premiership P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

15

16

1

Arse’Alona

7

5

1

2

Locomotive

7

5

1

1

14

16

3

Law A

7

4

2

1

12

14

4

Carbs

7

4

1

2

-1

13

5

Cardiff Uni

7

3

1

3

2

10

6

Economics

7

2

0

5

-17

6

7

Pharm AC

7

1

0

6

-10

3

8

Chem Soc

7

1

0

6

-16

3

He added “We showed everyone what we could do.

Putting six past potential title challengers (Carbs) is a great achievement and it was our best display of the season”.

“Despite finishing second, no team in the IMG league has finished above us in terms of the number of points.

Considering we are a new team, losing the league by one goal is not that bad at all”.

four goals for second-placed Arse’Alona who felt they had a great chance of winning the title.

Right-back Jack Parsons said afterwards “I’m a bit gutted to be honest. We knew we had to score a lot of goals, but unfortunately 6-1 was not quite good enough”.

Nevertheless, despite the near miss, Parsons felt his side should be proud of their debut IMG season.

Division Two Round-up Momed clinched the Division Two title with a 4-1 victory over JOMEC and maintained their Phase 2 unbeaten run.

Moreover, the victory against JOMEC enabled Momed to finish with the highest number of points in Phase 2.

Momed skipper Tim Lewis said “We’re obviously over the moon to win Division Two. The fact we won it so comfortably proves we were able to play at a higher level”.

“Since the Hurricanes failed to win a game in Division One, we should have been there instead of them”.

“Our fantastic young squad would have given a good account of themselves in a higher division, and it bodes well for next season”.

Alternatively, title contenders Dynamo Centurion secured second place with a hard-fought 3-2 victory over English Society. Dynamo had to beat English heavily to stand any chance of lifting the title, and Momed’s win made their dreams impossible.

After losing their last match, English finished in third place. This is a respectable position for a side who finished in the lower reaches of Division Three last season.

Elsewhere, Myg Myg finished in fourth following a 4-2 win over Psycho Athletico. Meanwhile, Real Havana ended their season on a high with a 5-0 win against AFC Euros.

Division Two

IMG Football

LOCOMOTIVE ENGINE: Champions

Division One Round-up GYM GYM claimed the Division One title following a 4-0 win against newcomers Zoology.

Zoology had to win the game to secure the title, but Gym Gym won comfortably after a superb second-half performance.

The 4-0 win capped a superb Division One campaign for Gym Gym who recorded the best Phase 2 goal difference.

An 8-0 thrashing of Cardiff Dragons gave them the perfect start in Week 1, and their form has remained fairly consistent ever since.

Elsewhere, Absolutely Fantastic finished in second following a 4-0 win against History.

Meanwhile, Law B ended the season on a high with a comprehensive 7-1 win over struggling Hurricanes, who failed to obtain a Phase 2 point.

In addition, it was not a great day for the entire Engine squad as Dragons beat Automotive 3-2.

IMG Football

However, Automotive enjoyed a better day at the weekend, when they ended History’s title hopes with a 21 win.

Conversely, Zoology bolstered their title hopes with a 6-0 drubbing of Law B. Meanwhile, Absoloutely Fantastic beat Cardiff Dragons 1-0, whilst Gym Gym thrashed bottom-of-thetable Hurricanes 9-1.

At the weekend, Momed increased their title chances with a 4-1 win over Real Havana, whilst Dynamo Centurion drew 0-0 with Myg Myg. In addition, bottom-of-the-table JOMEC lost 6-2 to AFC Euros whilst English beat Psycho 3-2.

Division Three Round-up EUROS LANGUAGES finished top of Division Three following wins against title-rivals Real Madras and Architecture.

In what proved to be the title-decider, Euros beat Madras 6-4 in a 10-goal thriller at the weekend. In addition, a 4-0 win against Architecture on Wednesday enabled Euros to secure the title.

Despite missing out on the title, Madras finished in second place after recording a 3-0 victory against Inter MeNan on Wednesday.

Meanwhile, Japsoc secured third spot following a 3-3 tie against draw-specialists AFC Cathays.

However, there was no such luck for Dental Utd who failed to win an IMG game this season. The strugglers lost 3-0 to Japsoc at the weekend, and 2-0 to Planathinaikos on Wednesday.

Finally, Inter Me-Nan beat Architecture 5-0 at the weekend, whilst AFC Cathays beat Plan’kos 5-3.

Division Three

IMG Football

P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

6

1

0

20

19

1

Euros Lang

P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

7

5

2

0

11

17

1

AFC Momed

7

2

Dynamo Cen.

7

5

1

1

5

16

2

Real Madras

7

5

0

2

8

15

3

English Soc

7

4

0

3

8

12

3

Japsoc

7

4

1

2

14

13

4

Myg Myg

7

2

2

3

-8

8

4

Plan’kos

7

3

0

4

3

9

5

AFC Euros

7

2

1

4

5

7

5

AFC Cathays

7

1

5

1

0

8

6

Real Havana

7

2

1

4

-5

7

6

Inter Me-Nan

7

2

2

3

-2

8

7

Psycho Ath.

7

1

2

4

-5

5

7

Architecture

7

1

2

4

-19

5

8

JOMEC

7

1

2

4

-6

5

8

Dental Utd

7

0

2

5

-12

2

Division One

IMG Football P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Gym Gym

7

6

0

1

28

18

2

Ab. Fantastic

7

5

0

2

11

15

3

Zoology

7

5

0

2

9

15

4

History

7

4

0

3

4

12

5

Automotive

7

3

0

4

2

9

6

Dragons

7

3

0

4

-11

9

7

Law B

7

2

1

4

-8

7

8

Hurricanes

7

0

0

7

-23

0

Help others and Help yourself!

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Simbec Research Ltd are currently looking for volunteers aged 18 to 75 years who can offer their time to participate in clinical studies at our modern unit in Merthyr Tydfil

For further information Contact: 0800 691995 or email: gareth.marshall@simbec.co.uk Merthyr Tydfil, CF48 4DR CONTEST: Gym Gym and Zoology battle for the Division One title.

Problem Page

Page 18

May 8 2006

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: the second part of the saucy drama, Room for More?

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners!

Well, this is very unlike me, but I have to tell you something a bit techy. My email account went a bit wild, and so if you sent me an email in the last few weeks, please do re-send it if I haven’t published your problem. Let’s just hope you weren’t dying of gonorrhoea in the meantime! Email me at: problempage@gairrhydd.com if you want some help.

Anyway, a little note about what I’ve heard this week. I‘m sorry that some of you are so aroused by the erotic fiction that you cannot get anything done. But next week, you’ll get the final installment of the mega-tasty Room for More?, and then you can get on with your sad little lives. Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx

Phone a F iend!

Dear Amber, I DON'T KNOW what to do. I feel that my life is at an end, all because of some stupid incidence that has ruined my life.

It all started last Tuesday, when I went on a date with an extremely dishy guy. Oh, he was so sexy, Amber! He was tall, with short black hair and blue eyes; he looked

a bit like Alan Rickman, but younger. We met through a mutual friend and we went out for drink.

We didn't go anywhere particularly good, but we got on so well and he seemed to fancy me so much; he was doing all the classics - hand on my arm, pulling out my chair for me (though he pulled it too far and I fell on the floor, though I'm certain that was just an accident). He bought me my favourite drinks - Bacardi Breezer light - all night, and it all went so well.

Fak e Fanny!

Dear Amber, THIS IS A VERY, very weird problem, but undoubtedly you've heard worse so please hear me out - I am in some sort of crisis.

It all happened when the sun came out last week. Hooray, thought I, the eternal winter that spanned from October 20 till April 21 has come to an end. So I decided that the time was right to invest in some fake tan, not only for myself but so I can show off some sexy brown flesh to my boyfriend.

Now, I'm a pretty clumsy girl. In my first year I broke my wrist on a night out just from walking into a toilet door. In my second year, I cracked open my skull just from tripping over the pavement. And I was in casualty earlier this year because I broke my leg after slipping in some spilt beer while dancing in Solus.

Anyway, because I am so clumsy, I really didn't know if I was the sort of person to be using fake tan. All my housemates do a perfectly good job when they fake tan themselves, but like I say, I'm really clumsy, and I don't want to ask them to fake tan me - what if they grope me in the process? (So what? - Amber).

Anyway, it seems that beauty factories have invented some 'holiday skin' style build-up tanning products, perfect for a klutz like me as they're unlikely to streak. So I thought, hurray, the beauty industry do listen to the irate phonecalls I make to their helplines after suffering yet another

The next day, however, disaster struck. I lost my phone! I was devastated. How was I to have a social life now? My housemates and friends tried to console me (when they found out where I was - how did we ever know everyone's location 24-hours a day before mobile phones?), but it was no use. What if my dream date was trying to ring me back and thought I wasn't interested? My friends told me to forget about him, and maybe hope that I bumped into him again.

Anyway, this week, there was an awful twist to the story. I found my phone down the back of my bed! I don't know how it got there, but it had been on silent all along so I hadn't been able to hear it ringing.

And I saw that my dream guy had rung me three times! But now, surely, a week later, it's too late to ring him back? He must think I'm not interested, and so I'll never get a chance to be with him. Oh, Amber, my life is over! Everybody knows that if someone doesn't answer

their phone for more than two phone calls it's because they're not interested, and that's what he must be thinking about me! Please help me, Amber, I simply must get over this man as there is no chance we can be together now, after my social faux-pas of missing three of his calls.

Yours, Sally Seaton, Roath.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Sally, Is this a joke? Love from Amberx

Erotic Friction!

Dear Amber,

read the letters page, television, and then your page, Amber, but that week I couldn't contain myself and read your page straight away, right there in the main building with loads of people walking past. And the worst thing about it was that I got a big boner almost straight away, in front of all those people! I had to run to the toilets to try and hide my shame, but I'm sure some people noticed, as I heard giggles as I ran away.

After that day, those erotic stories were all I could think about, and I'm sure I have become obsessed. The next week, almost exactly the same thing happened, but luckily I managed to get home before I got a hard-on, and managed to wank it away in a minute or so. I thought that after the Easter holidays I might get better, as I

had no access to the stories, but then, for only about a week or so, I was able to access them online at www.gairrhydd.com. Luckily, your page has now been taken off the website, but I still have a problem because you've started a new series of fictions!

It really is ruining my life, Amber. I can't work, I can't sleep; all I can do is think about what your characters are up to and have a little fiddle with myself as I think.

Please help me, Amber, by getting rid of these fiendishly kindling stories that send me wild!

Yours, Juan Kerr, Cathays.

thighs. She had very small tits though, but Ray wouldn't let that put him off! She really did have the best legs he'd ever seen, even the better than the ones he'd seen on a woman called Kitty he met in a club. She was 6' 1'' and Ray couldn't quite believe how sexy her legs were - like strands of spaghetti and he'd dated her for a while, until he found out... her... his... secret... Ray shuddered, and tried to focus on the sound of Betty's voice, making him fondle himself till he was about to cum all over the telephone table. Ray had to concentrate on what Betty was saying to calm himself down.

“Maybe it would be nice... if we went for a drink... Just a drink,” she purred, like a horny cat.

The other thing Ray really liked about Betty was the fact that she was so shy. Unlike Cindi, who had

done anal on a first date - Ray thought that that was a bit slaggy.

Ray hoisted up his toolbelt that was digging into his crotch and rearranged himself as he replied.

“I'd like that,” said Ray. Christ, I'm smooth, he thought to himself, though he couldn't think it to anyone else, but that's the tautological nature of literary conventions.

“OK,” said Betty. “How about The Dog at nine tonight?”

“Yes, OK,” said Ray. They both hung up and at the same time but Ray was so wound up he had to phone Cindi for some phone sex to calm himself down.

“Oh,” said Cindi, “That's it, that's it, your boner is tearing me up...” As Ray came, all he could think about was how good Cindi's funbags and Betty's legs would look together in one bed. Ohhh... © Amber Duval 2006

beauty emergency (reaction to wax strips - ouch; nearly taking my eye out with a mascara brush - double ouch [it was in both eyes], etc.). So I bought some build-up fake tan moisturiser.

And would you believe it? No disaster ensued! But this was the start of my dilemma. After layering on this tan stuff for five days, I had a lovely, shimmery tan. But when my boyfriend underdressed me to survey the goods, he burst out laughing.

“You've done a good job,” said he, “But your c**t is still bright white!”

Mortified, I took a peek, and he was right! It is completely white and looks like it has been dusted with flour!

The problem is, Amber, that I really want to fake tan this area of my anatomy too, but surely, with my track record, its asking for disaster?

Yours, Ivory, Roath.

I SEEM TO HAVE a terrible problem that I think only you can solve, Amber.

It all started about a month or two ago, when you started putting your erotic fiction in the problem page. I read the first one, and thought, wow, that is so arousing, but then I tried not to think about it as I am a very busy student with lots of lectures et al. So I tried to get on with my life, I really did.

However, a week later, and I found myself rushing to the entrance of the main building to get my hands on a new copy of gair rhydd. Normally, I

AMBER SAYS: Dear Ivory, What’s wrong with a nice snowwhite minge? Love from Amber xxx

Cut out and keep!

FAKE TAN: White minge!

Room for More?

EROTIC FICTION - PART 2

“HELLO, BETTY,” said Ray, trying to control a raging hard-on that had appeared as soon as he heard her Mariella Frostrup-style voice.

“Hi... I was thinking about your invitation.”

Ray had met Betty in a bar where she was a barmaid. Betty was very young (though legal) and had thick brown hair and liquid eyes (or something) and was tall and thin with the longest, brownest, sexiest legs Ray had ever seen - they were like telegraph poles. Ray would love to rub his todger up and down them until he came all over her smooth dark

AMBER SAYS: Dear Si, What good taste you have! A xx

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

Award-Winning Television

May 8 - 14 2006

Page 19

tvgareth@coversblown.com

This week’s Sugars amongst the TV Coffee-Mates: May 8-14

Motherfucker Of Pearl

Harbour shites, rotten boroughs, and sugar we’re going down

HOT

Pink glasses Just like TV Grace’s. They don’t make you look like Jenny Eclair, as previously reported, as Jenny Eclair is ridiculous, blonde, boring and has a mouth like a giraffes arse. None of which apply to TV Grace who wears pink glasses. Apart from being ridiculous.

Soaps When the Radio Times is nowhere to be seen the role of Official Office TV Guide falls to News Charissa’s copy of Heat magazine.

Which means I have to give you the details of this week’s soap action from brief sentences lifted from each day. So, here’s we go...

Sonia gets fesity, Little Mo’s a nutter, Lesley gets all messed up, Roy’s Rolls is shut down, Adam hits rock bottom, Nicola blabs, Martin flips, Len wallops, Bobby charms, Mel admits, Alan rides Jasmine, Mel lashes, the Slaters rally, Daz claps (eyes), Tony and Mandy explode, Martin’s got a shocker, Becca doesn’t do a runner, Becky thieves and Cain gets wicked. It’s a little cryptic I know, but it keeps you on your toes. And your minds need to be alert at this crucial exam time.

Love TV Gareth x

B

ad television is like a bus into town on a weekday.

No, not full of dead-staring, buck-toothed old dears carping on about roadworks and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome which takes five hours longer than necessary, silly. I mean you wait for one for ages, and then three turn up, and as so as you hop on, you wish you were rotting in a coffin, and you never end up at a satisfactory destination.

Triple-whammy is a phrase usually reserved for 99p grotburger deals in McDonald’s and five’s weekday afternoon Columbo movie matinee, but this week we have the best threesome since Dean Gaffney and a boy scout helped an old lady across the road.

It’s on Wednesday night, and the joy is thickly spread across three channels. On ITV1, you’ve got the UEFA Cup Final (7.30pm).

Steve McLaren has a big red nose.

On BBC2, you’ve got the grand final of The Apprentice (9pm).

The final is contested between Michelle (check-out dolly turned power-suited economically-sound crumpet) and Ruth (a Brummy, pushy pig-faced lesbian who spends more time slapping her hands on the desk like a seal in a fluster rather than offering any worthy verbosity other than piping up when it’s not necessary, and getting the fuck

Fudge Tunnel 94

away from everyone when it is.

Alan reckons they’re both a bit crap, if you believe the red-tops (but then that’s surely his fault since he chooses them every week, non?) but our money’s on Michelle, because she used to work in Kwik-Save, and most of us are likely to do that when we graduate, so we might meet her on the way down. Last but not least, up against these behemoths of unpredictatibility (Middlesbrough in a European cup final? That doesn’t even happen on Sensibile Soccer with the cheat codes on) BBC1 is offering us possibly the

most overblown and piss-poor cinema milestones in recent history, Pearl Harbour (8pm).

Directed by Michael Bay, a director known for blowing things up in a variety of impressive ways and largely ignoring cinematic essentials like plot, realistic dialogue, and character development. It’s like Titanic, only even more po-faced, features Ben Affleck’s chiselled chin in almost every scene, and is about as accurate a portrayal of Pearl Harbour as a child throwing sponges in the bath going “nyerrrm”. Still, if a hightension business reality show, and a no-hoper football squad out of their depth in a foreign country with no idea how they even got there aren’t your bag, then you can always watch this.

Thugs among you might want to check out ultra-realistic football drama All In The Game (Thursday Ch4 9pm). If, by realistic, you mean executive speak, justifying the laughably disproportionate quantity of effing and cunting spouted by Ray Winstone’s manager character. This also ‘stars’ thug’s favourite Danny Dyer, taking a break from bollock-swinging man-flicks like The Business and The Football Factory to, er, appear in an atrocious sounding made-forTV meta-hybrid of both of these risable, unwatchable testosteronepowered spectacles. That’s it from us this week, happy viewing! xxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Two scrag-ends from the tail end of last year finally hit the shelves of your local DVD stores (although not Silverscreen because they’re run by fucking IDIOTS) this week.

The Libertine has thankfully nothing to do with either Pete Doherty, or Carl “boring” Barat and their by-andlarge diabolical Britpop meanderings, but is, in fact, a completely rubbish biopic of the Earl of Rochester, starring Johnny Depp.

The intended portrayal of the titular character, is that of a rotter and a rogue, who exploits people, drinks too much and was generally a bit of a tosser. That, they achieved quite nicely, but the rest of this pretenious British-made crap is nigh on unwatchable. Apparently this film was left floundering in the warehouses for years because nobody could drum up the cash to release

it. Which is about right.

Also out this week is March of the Penguins, which is an innocuous little documentary about mating penguins with an utterly bizarre and cheesy commentary by Morgan Freeman, who is no David Attenborough. They might as well have got one of the penguins to narrate.

NOT

The Ordinary Boys For shunning an exclusive TV Desk interview on the union balcony, for wearing silly pink polo shorts, for making unspeakably poor subMadness indie-ska toss, and not inviting us to their party.

Preston looks like a horrible pest-like sparrow, too.

Film Mission Impossible: 3 is out in cinemas this week. So chingching-cashing-in ITV1 are showing John Woo’s directorial input to the Tom Cruise economic juggernaut, which is absolutely shocking. That’s even before we get to the Limp Bizkit theme tune. It looks like 3 might turn the tables, but I really couldn’t give a shit.

Sport It’s all about the UEFA Cup Final this week as the Middlesbrough Reds take on the Sevilla... I don’t know what colour Sevilla play in.

So maybe it’s worth tuning in just to find that out. Feel free to channel hop away throughout the week in the hope of finding the match, so if you don’t want to know when it’s on, look away now: Wednesday 8 May (7.30pm)

Radio Sorry for once again recommending a program on digital radio, but it’s related to Cardiff, which seems to excuse most failings in society these days. It’s Steve Lamacq, in his new lease of life on 6music , and he’s hanging out in our own city centre with Nicky Wire from the Manic Street Preachers.

Lovely. I’m going to go down there and get chummy with them, not that I have any time for Nicky Wire or Lammo, but in the hope that Steve’s mate and fellow 6music DJ Gideon Coe might be there, and I want to marry him. The fun kicks off at 4pm Fri . although let’s hope Lammo’s Round Table isn’t part of the proceedings, as Nicky Wire has pretty much lousy taste in just about everything.

Monday

Page 20

May 8 - May 14 2006

em@il.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Brief Encounters

Let’s Write A Story

BBC1 2.35pm

BBC2 10.30am

The Sex.com Story

five 11.00pm

Fifi And The Flowertots five 8.05am

M

M I M I R

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Funky Valley 8:40am Titch 8:50am The Clangers 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser Imagine how much better this programme could be (and it’s already awesome) if the themetune was the words ‘BrainTeaser’ sung to Shirley Bassey’s Goldfinger. 1:40pm The Last Dance Straight to TV movie anyone? Yes please: A retired teacher in need of a friend. A former student in need of guidance. Together, they discover that life is a lesson you learn by heart. Sounds shit. A bored, lazy student in need of direction. A super-crap, soppy daytime film.

Together, they discover that the fact I can’t get channel five in my bedroom is a good thing.

3:35pm five news update 3:40pm Evidence of Love 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Hidden Ashes 8:00pm Fifth Gear 9:00pm Larger than Life Big Love Here’s hoping this is a programme on fat people sex. Or I’ll make do with a Blue Whale dating programme. Or a show on people whose love of the Tom Hanks film has grown to obsession.

10:00pm Prison Break 11:00pm The Sex.com Story

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted Here’s a good music TV story for you.

Earlier on I was watching TMF on my freeview box, and they had something on called ‘three play’ which is where they play three songs by the same band. It was an advert break when I switched on but I thought Snow Patrol.

AND THEN... it was Snow Patrol.

I shit you not. You should have been there. I was eating vege lasagne. For Breakfast. 8:00am E4 Music 9:00am Wake Up with... The Cast of Confetti 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00am Whatever... You Want 1:00pm Richard Ashcroft's Ultimate Mix Tape 2:00pm Freshly Squeezed Tunes 3:00pm Beauty and the Geek 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Beauty and the Geek 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Smallville 10:00pm Wife Swap: The Aftermath 10:30pm Chain Reaction Allergic to chains?

P

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Proud Parents 9:30am From the Top 9:55am Tate Modern 10:00am Rude Britannia 10:30am Tate Modern 10:35am Bricking It 11:25am Tate Modern 11:30am How Sport Shook Up the World 11:55am National Gallery 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 1:30pm Checking Into History 1:45pm The Day the Earth Stood Still I’d watch this, but I haven’t seen “The Day The Earth Grew Legs” so I figure this would be a little over my head. 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal Today there was a semiblind man on this. I thought blind people were supposed to have heightened senses? Well, he still wasn’t telepathic and only went home with £3,000. So there. 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: People in Order In order of goodness? That’ll be me at the front then. Oh yes.

8:00pm Dispatches Dispatches from the office.

So, Sophie and Mickel were just playing some stupid game they’d made up which basically involved them mashing the mouse keys for thirty seconds and then seeing how long it made the computer spazz out for.

Meanwhile Graeme is sat to my left playing Sonic 2 on his laptop. Pfffft.

9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm ER 11:05pm Iraq: The Hidden

E

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Energon 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am Emmerdale 10:55am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:40am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:00pm Emmerdale 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show On this computer, zoomed in as far as I am, it looks like this is called The Mental Williams Show. Just so you know. 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 8:30pm Airline USA 9:00pm Teenage Tourettes Camp 10:30pm The BAFTA Television Awards 2006 Backstage 11:00pm Coronation Street 11:30pm The BAFTA Television Awards 2006 The Party

E

I

Call 02920 229977.

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:00am The Price Is Right 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's on Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 3:45pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right Presented by superstar of light entertainment... Joe Pasquale. Genius, I know. I saw Joe live once. It was brilliant. He was supported by Jimmy Cricket (who I have just realised is the cleaned up predecessor to Jimmy Carr) and a percentage of the Nolan Sisters. Needless to say it was basically like going to watch The Des And Mel Show.

5:30pm You've Been Framed!

6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Wales This Week 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm The British Academy Television Awards Just as a short disclaimer, this has nothing to do with us here at TV Desk. Sure, we may be at the forefront of televisual news, but the ITV don’t let us have our own awards ceremony. And how come the readers of TV Desk don’t get to vote on Best Daytime TV Programme”, it’s us students’ forte afterall.

10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm The British Academy Television Awards Oh yeah, and you thought it was safe to leave.

11:35pm Supernatural

PPR IRM IE TMI ME E T

All Day Every Day.

7:00pm The Sky at Night 7:30pm The Miracle Boat 7/4 Shoreline. 8:00pm The World 8:30pm The Pedants' Revolt 9:00pm Mark Lawson Talks to Julian Fellowes 10:00pm Julian Fellowes Investigates a Most Mysterious Murder 11:00pm The Sky at Night 11:30pm Quitters Factory this coming Monday (May 8) because there is a rather good band playing.

They’re called Los Campesinos! and TV Me and TV Ellen may or may not be members. We’ve got a myspace (even your MUM’s got a myspace) and you can find it at this url: www.myspace.com/loscampesinos. If you’re not convinced you should come along then you should know that there are three girls in the band and one of them plays violin. And we all like better music than you do. That’s about all there is to say, except I’m sure Ellen will say something more about it, because we are boring people leading boring lives. Will doesn’t like us talking about myspace. But that’s primarily because he’s northern and therefore against innovation.

T

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7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm The Trouble with Young People 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm How I Met Your Mother 10:50pm Little Britain 11:20pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:50pm The Trouble with Young People Yo, yo, yo, check my flow. TV Gareth here, through a haze of hay fever and general muggyness. Though it may be partially due to my new-found alcoholism that I feel like shit.

After not drinking alcohol for 18 months I am now firmly amongst the drinking classes. If this has shattered the illusion of TV Gareth then I’m sorry, but don’t you have more important things to worry about? One of the best things about doing this is that I can sit here and type THE most self-indulgent bollocks and pretend that people actually care.

This is like writing the bits that come after half way in the Saturday copy of the Sun. Nobody cares. Anyway, if you ARE reading this then I implore you to get yo’self down to ‘Fun’

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Lunar Jim 10:10am Our Planet 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Let's Write a Story 10:45am Words and Pictures Plus 11:00am Words and Pictures Plus 11:15am The Way Things Work 11:30am The Way Things Work The foot bone's connected to the leg bone, the leg bone's connected to the knee bone, the knee bone's connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone's connected to the back bone, the back bone's connected to the neck bone, the neck bone's connected to the head bone, the neck bone's connected to the head bone, the neck bone's connected to the back bone, the back bone's connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone's connected to the knee bone, the knee bone's connected to the leg bone, the leg bone's connected to the foot bone, oh, we know all dem bones! 11:45am Watch 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Megamaths 1:35pm Man of the Moment 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm Flog It! 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Top Gear 8:00pm University Challenge 8:30pm University Challenge 9:00pm Dead Ringers 9:30pm Feel the Force 10:00pm Grumpy Old Men 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Have I Got News for You 11:50pm Tired and Emotional

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Found 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Brief Encounters 2:50pm Homes under the Hammer 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Arthur 4:00pm Watch My Chops 4:15pm Watch My Chops 4:30pm Really Wild Show 4:55pm Newsround Investigates Crack?

Paedophilia? Incest? Rape? No, probably Harry Potter or School Meal prices.5:25pm Newsround Investigates 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Open All Hours 7:30pm Real Story with Fiona Bruce 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm DIY SOS 9:00pm New Tricks 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Comedy Connections 11:15pm One Foot in the Grave 11:45pm The Mod Squad Yo! So, it would appear that techwizz Graeme has neglected to acquire the TV listings for anything to occur after midnight. I think the official line for this neglect is going to be not that binary has beaten Graeme for the first time ever, but that with all the exams and essay deadlines you have coming up, there is no way you should be watching TV this late anyways. Though you might want to be taping GCSE Bitesize Revision, I suppose. Blame Graeme.

E

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6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Proud Parents 9:30am From the Top 9:55am Tate Modern 10:00am Rude Britannia 10:30am Tate Modern 10:35am Bricking It 11:25am Tate Modern 11:30am How Sport Shook Up the World 11:55am National Gallery 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Tecwyn y Tractor 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder: Out of the Box 1:20pm Selling Houses 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:10pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Medabots 4:20pm Bernard 4:25pm Stamina 4:50pm Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Ffermio 9:00pm Ar Dy Feic 9:30pm Taro 9 10:00pm Sgorio 11:05pm Y Clwb Rygbi 11:35pm Wife Swap

Tuesday

May 8 - 14 2006

Page 21

Prestonfromtheordinaryboys@hispenisisnextdoor.com

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Really Wild Show

BBC1 4.23pm

Mum’s On Strike

ITV2 5am

My Eden

C4 9.25am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Little Britain I, TV Ellen, have just been on a mission to find the Ordinary Boys so me and Jo could have a bit of a Q and A with them. It’s proving impossible due to the fact there are 50 people to go through first just to ask some questions AND everyone seemed to think we were groupies. Please, I would never be the Ordinary Boys’ bitch. One woman asked “who sent you?” I was tempted to answer “God. He loves their remix with Lady Soverign.”

9:30pm Grown Ups 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Outtakes: World Leaders 11:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:30pm Man Stroke Woman 12:00pm The Trouble with Gay Men 1:00am Grown Ups 1:30am Outtakes: World Leaders 2:00am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 3:00am Honey We're Killing the Kids We should stop making them have sex with chickens in the hope they get bird flu.

7:00pm Planet Earth 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Digital Picture of Britain 9:00pm Lost in Egypt: Decoding the Papyri 10:00pm Living with Modernism 10:30pm Storyville: Gangs of Medellin 11:55pm Hot Spots: Colombia 12:55pm Holidays in the Danger Zone 2:25am Holidays in the Danger Zone: Rivers 3:25am Digital Picture of Britain I asked you to send me (TV Ellen) abuse via my myspace last week and it came in its thousands. I lie. I got no abuse, instead I got a rather lovely message from ‘Crazy Courts’ who understands the majestic nature of Round The Twist, seems to fancy Mathew Fox (hmmm yummy) and worries about the vocational career of the man from the Bonjela Ad, so basically seems to be a bit of a leg end (thats legend to you retards). So here is my first shout out to you, and your flatmates. May you enjoy the TV team’s rambling for years to come (well three) and on the subject of Mathew Fox. WHAT IS GOING ON IN LOST? When’s Shannon going to die. Oops. HA!

6:00am Fun Song Factory MAY 8 FUN FACTORY MY BAND LOS CAMPESINOS SIDE ROOM ELEVEN THIRTY. BE. FECKING. THERE. 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Energon 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 8:30pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 9:00pm Jack Osbourne - Adrenaline Junkie 10:00pm Die Hard 12:30pm Sure Fans United Fans of Sure deoderant unite to kill all smelly people. 1:00am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping

6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with... Dirty Pretty Things 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00am Whatever... You Want 1:00pm Green Wing's Ultimate Mix Tape 2:00pm Freshly Squeezed Tunes 3:00pm Beauty and the Geek 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Beauty and the Geek 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm The OC 10:00pm Boys Will Be Girls 10:30pm Girls Aloud: Off the Record 11:00pm Lost 12:00pm Peep Show 12:25pm The OC 1:25am Boys Will Be Girls 1:55am Girls Aloud: Off the Record Girls aloud talk about how Slayer and Cannibal Corpse influenced their new record. 2:20am Point Pleasant Worst idea for a show ever. A girl’s dad is satan. That’s it.

3:05am Line Of Fire 3:45am Beauty and the Geek 4:45am Fool Around... with Dan Corsi

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots Good name for a band, they would make Albanian Jazz Funk music and be Japanese and all wear matching poka dot braces 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Funky Valley 8:40am Titch 8:50am The Clangers 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Taken Away 3:35pm five news update 3:40pm Silk Hope 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm John Osborne and the Gift of Friendship John tries to heal the rift between Carl Barat and Pete Doherty.

DRUGS AREN’T COOL. Apart from Calpol addiction 8:00pm House Doctor: Inside and Out 9:00pm CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10:00pm CSI: Miami 11:00pm Prison Break 12:05pm Fifth Gear 1:05am NBA Basketball: The Play-Offs 3:40am ITU World Cup Triathlon 4:30am Race and Rally UK 4:55am US Major League Soccer Here is a funny quote from wwww.bah.org to fill space.

Bob: “I just read about a horrific rape” John “When is rape not horrific?”

Bob “Hilarious rape in clown sodomy.” Yes, there is something wrong with me that I find this funny.

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am The Cubeez 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30am Will and Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am My Eden Would be a story in which Eve was not responsible for the entire fall of mankind, so that men couldn’t lord it over us for centuries to come. My ex boyfriend always use it to win debates with the “Yer, but your kind did cause us all to get chucked out of paradise and purged into enternal sin coz you’re all gullible bints” argument. 9:30am From the Top 9:55am Tate Modern 10:00am Rude Britannia 10:30am Tate Modern 10:35am Bricking It 11:25am Tate Modern 11:30am How Sport Shook Up the World 11:55am National Gallery 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 1:30pm Designers Under Pressure 1:45pm Run Silent, Run Deep 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: People in Order 8:00pm Location, Location, Location 8:30pm Turn Back Your Body Clock 9:00pm The Ripper Hoaxer: Wearside Jack 10:00pm Lost 11:00pm The Comedy Lab 11:35pm The Comedy Lab 12:05pm Indian Finishing School 1:05am King of the Hill 1:30am South American Football Championship 2:25am Trigger Happy USA 2:50am Punk'd 3:15am Wild Things 4:00am Write Away!

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's on Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 3:45pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm You've Been Framed!

6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:25pm Local News and Weather 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm The Ferret 8:00pm House of Horrors 9:00pm Mission: Impossible II 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Mission: Impossible II 11:55pm The Championship 12:25pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am Mum's On Strike 4:35am I Want That House Revisited 5:00am ITV Nightscreen I went to Give It A Name this weekend, and if you read this you will know that I, TV Ellen, live in a conflicting hypocritical hell where I hate emo kids, but like the music and have a piercing. So therefore part of me is one. It was hard I tell you, seeing all that eyemakeup and coiffed hair. And apparently it’s really trendy now to walk around with your emo boyf on one hand and your best, less attractive friend on the other.

And it’s really trendy to start pulling in front of me when Bayside are playing so you block my view. And its really trendy to call me a fat bitch ‘cause I step on your foot by accident. Im cuddly.

PRI MET I ME

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown Basically Cathays. 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Lunar Jim 10:10am Our Planet 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger Instead of killing gazelles, Ethelbert offers them counselling about their impending death, because he’s a posh tiger who went to public tiger school and wears little bow ties and has a butler called George.

10:30am Let's Write a Story YES LETS! I saw this kids’ book the other day about the story of Genesis. It was called How the World Fell Into Sin. 10:45am Words and Pictures Plus 11:00am Words and Pictures Plus 11:15am The Way Things Work 11:30am The Way Things Work 11:45am Watch 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Megamaths 1:15pm Megamaths 1:35pm Man of the Moment My man of the moment is a stupidly pretty guy who I find it difficult to be around due to the fact I keep thinking about him naked. Hope he reads this.

3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm Flog It! 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Top Gear 8:00pm University Challenge 8:30pm University Challenge 9:00pm Dead Ringers 9:30pm Feel the Force 10:00pm Grumpy Old Men 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Have I Got News for You 11:50pm Tired and Emotional Yer I have PMT whats your excuse? BRING IT ON. Eh hem.

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Found 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather in local news Cardiff University is in the top thirty Universities in the country. But if you do architecture here you have a 4/10 chance of getting a job. Seven years and no job, thats got to be gutting.

Personally I think it’s hilarious.

1:40pm Neighbours I think this is the episode where Dee finally comes back. 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Brief Encounters 2:50pm Homes under the Hammer 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Arthur 4:00pm Watch My Chops 4:15pm Watch My Chops 4:30pm Really Wild Show 4:55pm Newsround Investigates 5:25pm Newsround Investigates 5:35pm Neighbours This is the repeat but its a little bit more x rated than earlier on. Dee not only comes back but immediately gives Toadie a blow job, while Cindy escapes from the loonie bin and catches them in the act.

She starts to strip before they are all joined by Bob the frisky dog. Bad, sick Neighbours.

6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Open All Hours 7:30pm Real Story with Fiona Bruce 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm DIY SOS 9:00pm New Tricks 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Comedy Connections 11:15pm One Foot in the Grave 11:45pm The Mod Squad

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30am Will and Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am My Eden 9:30am From the Top 9:55am Tate Modern 10:00am Rude Britannia 10:30am Tate Modern 10:35am Bricking It 11:25am Tate Modern 11:30am How Sport Shook Up the World 11:55am National Gallery 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Bobinogi 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Ribidires 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder 1:20pm Supernanny 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:10pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Anifail am Wythnos 4:20pm Planed Plant:Martin Mellten 4:40pm Planed Plant:Wap! 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:25pm Friends 6:50pm Y Clwb Rygbi 8:50pm Pobol y Cwm 9:20pm Newyddion 9:35pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10:35pm Con Passionate 11:40pm ER

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Wednesday

Page 22

May 8 - 14 2006

brainrot@TVDesk.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Pearl Harbour

Outtakes

BBC1 8pm

BBC3 12pm

Comedy Lab

C4 11.05pm

Eggheads

BBC2 6pm

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

M I T E M I R

6:00am The Cubeez 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30am Will and Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am My Eden 9:30am From the Top 9:55am Tate Modern 10:00am Rude Britannia 10:30am Tate Modern 10:35am Bricking It 11:25am Tate Modern 11:30am How Sport Shook Up the World 11:55am National Gallery 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 1:30pm Channel 4 Racing from Chester This mightn’t sound all that impressive but those modest chaps at channel number 4 have neglected to reveal that they are racing FROM Chester TO Brighton, so that’s quite a trek. 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Neil or No Neil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: People in Order Right, so 8:00pm 10 Years Younger Bikini Special 9:00pm Grand Designs Revisited 10:00pm Desperate Housewives Desperate TV Editors. Trying to get this mofo’ing paper finished so we can head off to the City Arms for further adventures in indie snobbery.

11:05pm Comedy Lab 11:40pm Comedy Lab 12:10pm Indian Finishing School 1:15am Ripper Hoaxer: Wearside Jack 2:15am KOTV Classics 3:10am South American Football Championship 4:05am Trans World Sport 5:00am Freesports on 4: Snowboarding 5:25am Countdown Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One...CLICHE!!

6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music 8:00am E4 Music 9:00am Wake Up with... Jamie Foxx 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00am Whatever... You Want 1:00pm Matt Willis' Ultimate Mix Tape 2:00pm Freshly Squeezed Tunes 3:00pm Brat Camp USA 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Beauty and the Geek 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Invasion 10:00pm Chantelle's Dream Dates 10:30pm Chantelle's Dream Dates 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00pm Smack the Pony 12:30pm Smack the Pony 1:00am Chantelle's Dream Dates 1:35am Chantelle's Dream Dates 2:05am Brat Camp USA 2:45am Smack the Pony 3:10am Switched Up! 3:35am Switched Up! 4:00am Switched Up! 4:20am Switched Up! 4:45am Fool Around... with Spencer from Big Brother

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30am Will and Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am My Eden 9:30am From the Top 9:55am Tate Modern 10:00am Rude Britannia 10:30am Tate Modern 10:35am Bricking It 11:25am Tate Modern 11:30am How Sport Shook Up the World 11:55am National Gallery 12:00am News 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach 1:15pm Designers Under Pressure 1:30pm Channel 4 Racing 3:30pm My Place in the Sun 4:00pm Planed Plant:Code Lyoko 4:25pm Planed Plant 4:50pm Planed Plant 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Cwpwrdd Dillad 9:00pm 04 Wal 9:30pm Sioe Gelf 10:00pm Lost 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00pm 10 Years Younger 1:00am Ripper Hoaxer 2:00am Indian Finishing School 2:55am South American Football

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Energon 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! = U G O = U G O = you go =no, you go! 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show Ricky Tomlinson pontificates on plumbing. Yeh, that’s a typo. 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Nanny 911 8:50pm Celebrity Daredevils Minor celebrities take part in a game of truth or dare with the devil.

Starring Richard Blackwood 9:00pm Neighbours from Hell 10:00pm Die Hard 2 12:20pm The Ricki Lake Show 1:10am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping

E

7:00pm Family Ties 7:30pm Family Ties 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Take One Museum 9:00pm Carry On Campus 10:00pm The History Man BBC Four’s new history series aimed at you stoner, layabout, student types. Soon to be followed by the new series “The Science Dude”. 10:50pm The History Man 11:35pm University Challenged 12:35pm Carry On Campus 1:35am Take One Museum 2:05am Family Ties 2:35am Family Ties 3:05am University Challenged I don’t think this is a typo, I think this is the BBC making a hilarious pun on one of their own program titles. More hot Ordinary Boys news. They had to walk past the office to go play their inevitably mediocre show of faux-brassballs and one of the, shall we say, scamps...no, lets just say cunts, kicked over a pile of gair rhydds that were outside the office door. That’s rock, kids. I’m gonna wrap this up here, through the medium of doing a waflley outro. So thanks for reading. Don’t forget to come to Fun Factory on Monday. Love x

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's on Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 3:45pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 4:00pm Bratz BratS. For fuck’s sake.

4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm You've Been Framed!

6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm 2006 UEFA Cup Final Boro versus Sevilla.

Very unglamorous I’m sure you’ll agree. I predict a Boro win. I’m sorry about the lack of an attempt at humour in this entry, but sometimes I feel I need to talk about sport in order to help dispell TV Grace’s “Gareth is Gay” rumours.

10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Helicops 11:30pm Tarrant on TV 12:00pm Sure Fans United 12:30pm ITV Play: The Mint Every night before I go to bed I turn on the TV. And every night this is on. And every time I watch it I can constantly feel my stomach dropping. Number One pizza topping anyone? Spinach.

Rubbish. But it’s worth it for the times where somebody complains about not receiving their money or the amount of times they’ve had to phone in. 4:05am The Jeremy Kyle Show Even more depressing at this time I’d imagine. 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News

P R I M E T I M E

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters

7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm The Jackal 11:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:30pm Grown Ups 12:00pm Outtakes 12:30pm Forty Years of F**k 1:25am Honey We're Killing the Kids 2:25am Outtakes: World Leaders 2:55am Spendaholics Hold onto your horses TV fans, because the office is a-buzzing at the fact that next door are yours and my favourite faux-ska twat bags THE ORDINARY BOYS!!

Currently my plan is to wait until they fuck off out of our airspace and go onstage, and then we can go next door and steal everything left on their rider. Or at least get a towel and throw some ice around. TV Willy held the door open for Chav-rock superstar Sam Preston a moment ago. And Preston initiated a nodding ritual. We think this may just have be because TV Willy was wearing Fred Perry, though. And Preston wouldn’t do an interview with TV Ellen. We didn’t want him anyway, we wanted the drummer.

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Lunar Jim 10:10am Our Planet 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Trade Secrets 10:40am Horizon 11:30am am.pm 1:00pm What the Tudors Did for Us 1:30pm Working Lunch 2:00pm Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm Flog It! 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm The Happiness Formula 7:30pm Hairy Bikers' Cookbook 8:30pm Eating with... TV Gareth. You probably wouldn’t want to seeing as I pretty much just live off Cheese Sandwiches and, ummm, cheap LIDL pizzas. Want to cook for me? Get in touch.

9:00pm The Apprentice: The Final Just in case there’s not enough emphasis here, it’s...THE FINAL!! Michelle and Ruth in the final. I don’t really remember thinking much about Michelle, but word from TV Willy is that she’s the fit one. Basically, it doesn’t matter who wins ‘cause it’s gonna be a woman and so they’ll naturally be RUBBISH anyway. Mind you, it’s just further proof that my year 6 teacher was right. Girls are better at spelling and stuff.

10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Holidays in...

Euroland 11:50pm You Have My Full Confidence 12:50pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools

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6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Found 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Brief Encounters 2:50pm Homes under the Hammer 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Arthur 4:00pm Watch My Chops 4:15pm Watch My Chops 4:30pm The Really Wild Show 4:55pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Iolo's Welsh Safari 7:30pm A Good Time to Say Goodbye?: Panorama Special 8:00pm Pearl Harbor FUN FACT: My Dad was nearly in Pearl Harbour. Because he had suitable hair. He couldn’t get the time off work though. I could be in Hollywood now if he’d taken his chance.

10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40pm Pearl Harbor 11:35pm The Love Letter 1:00am Sign Zone:Would You Buy a House with a Stranger?

Depends. What is it that they are stranger than? Why do we treat the deaf to such shit repeats? Give them a Neighbours omnibus with the signer in the bottom right and we’ll all be happy. 2:00am Sign Zone:The Curious House Guest 2:30am Sign Zone:Seaside Rescue 3:00am Sign Zone:Animal Park

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6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Funky Valley 8:40am Titch 8:50am The Clangers 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm The Jordan Chance 3:45pm Mystery Woman: Vision of a Murder 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Live from Lords 8:00pm The Man Behind the Da Vinci Code: Revealed 9:00pm Angels & Demons: The True Story 10:00pm The Da Vinci Code Myth: Revealed TV John’s reaction to five’s night of Da Vinci based madness: “Urgh, Fuck OFF” 11:05pm Bad Boys of Comedy Bobby Davro is a hen-pecked family man. Bernie Clifton is a foot-loose and fancy free ladies' man. Both are touring comedians, and both have 72 hours to reclaim a consignment of Puffin Joke Books stolen from under Blackpool pleasure beach’s nose. To complicate matters, in order to get the assistance of the sole witness to a murder, they have to pretend to be each other. Hilarity Ensues. 12:05pm Poker Night: Partypoker.com Football and Poker Legends World Cup 1:35am Baseball: MLB Wednesday 4:35am V8 Supercars 5:20am Ironman Triathlon

Thursday

May 8 - 14 2006

Page 23

thesunisout@let’sallwearshorts.com

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Wild Things

BBC 1 4pm

C4 4.35am

Mastermind

BBC 2 8.30pm

Great British Menu

BBC 2 6.30pm

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Match of the Day Live: Women's World Cup Qualifier 9:00pm Spendaholics 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:30pm Trauma Uncut 12:00pm Spendaholics 12:55pm Mischief 1:55am The Story of... I Will Survive 2:50am Trauma Uncut 3:20am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron What I want to know is how do these ‘parenting experts’ and ‘child experts’ become just that, ‘experts’? Do they have kids? And if they do, why aren’t they at home helping them through some of the most difficult stages of their lives rather than helping someone else’s kids? I bet child psychologists’ kids are absolute psychos. I bet they’re majorly depressed and probably selfharming. It’s like vicars’ kids (no offense to any children of vicars by the way-although you may agree with me), the kids of vicars are always pretty mental and rebellious and often don’t do religion, in my experience.

When I was little my family and I moved into an ex-vicarage...

...and I had the vicar’s son’s room and it was crazy. The whole room was graffiti and shit and there was a big Superman style emblem on the wall… actually pretty cool if you think about it but at the age of four it made a big impression on me.

Watch out for the children of vicars.7:00pm Primate Primers 7:10pm The Avengers 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Versailles Stories 9:00pm Frank Lloyd Wright: Murder, Myth and Modernism 10:00pm The Pedants' Revolt 10:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops 11:00pm Versailles Stories 11:30pm Frank Lloyd Wright: Murder, Myth and Modernism 12:30pm Mark Lawson Talks to Julian Fellowes 1:30am Versailles Stories 2:00am The Da Vinci Code: the Greatest Story Ever Sold I’m afraid I’ve been sucked into this whole Da Vinci Code shit, fuck knows why they’re all worrying about it being blasphemous and stuff, it’s blatantly fiction 3:00am Mark Lawson Talks to Julian Fellowes about flowers and pink kittens and fluffy bedspreads.

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Energon 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show Good old Jeremy Shitface. You can’t seem to escape him these mornings can you? Ranting on about tax…"and who pays for you to sit there and drink two bottles of whisky a day? We do I tell you, the tax payers! (cheer from the audience)". Every fuckin time, get a life Jeremy. 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm House of Horrors 9:00pm Die Hard 2 11:20pm Footballers' Wives Extra Time 12:05pm Supernatural

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30am Will and Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am My Eden 9:30am From the Top 9:55am Tate Modern 10:00am Rude Britannia 10:30am Tate Modern 10:35am Bricking It 11:25am Tate Modern 11:30am Tricky Business 11:55am National Gallery 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 1:30pm Channel 4 Racing from Chester 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal when is it going to happen? About 4 people have won 1p but no one yet had one the big 250 grand, is has to happen soon and I am so excited. I hope that old bird, Dot or something, wins it, the one with the white hair and glasses, she makes me laugh. Did you see the one the other week with a lad on that looked about 15 but was probably 23? Poor guy went home with a grand when he could’ve won 20 grand or something. I cried. 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: People in Order 8:00pm Honey I Ruined the House 9:00pm All in the Game 11:05pm Comedy Lab 11:40pm Comedy Lab 12:10pm Red Bull Air Race 1:10am South American Football Championship 2:05am Iraq: The Hidden Story 3:05am Dispatches 4:00am Unreported World 4:25am Get the Picture 4:35am Wild Things 5:25am Countdown gair rhydd office topic of the day: is green tea less cancerous? Thrilling stuff.

6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with Green Wing 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00am Whatever... You Want 1:00pm Dirty Pretty Things' Ultimate Mix Tape 2:00pm Freshly Squeezed Tunes 3:00pm Brat Camp USA 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Beauty and the Geek 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm ER 10:00pm My Name Is Earl 10:30pm Chantelle's Dream Dates 11:00pm Chantelle's Dream Dates if Chantelle tried to give me a makeover I think I’d die. I’d be peroxide blond with fake extensions, red lips, orange face and dressed in some kind of bright yellow mac or something.

11:30pm Criss Angel: Mindfreak 12:00pm Criss Angel: Mindfreak 12:30pm Criss Angel: Mindfreak 1:00am ER 1:55am My Name Is Earl

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy Or else he’ll skin you alive and use your skin for various commodities such as lamp shades and wall hangings. And he’ll use your arse skin to make a bass drum so your arse will always be kicked, even in death (that would probably only work if you had a really big arse, not that I’m suggesting anyone tried it). 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Funky Valley 8:40am Titch 8:50am The Clangers 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Foxfire 3:35pm City beneath the Sea 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Cricket on Five 8:00pm Bride and Grooming 9:00pm House 10:00pm Grey's Anatomy 11:00pm Suburban Shootout This sounds like one of those ‘shoot everything in sight’ computer games. The other day I saw a programme on Sky Three about hitmen, it had an ex-hitman on there and everything. It basically told you how to be a hitman, which was quite amusing. 11:30pm Swinging 12:00pm Drastic Plastic 1:05am Golazo Football Show 2:00am Portuguese Football 3:30am Football Argentina 5:00am US Major League Soccer Ooh how exciting, apparently the Ordinary Boys are in the room next door to the office.

Great.

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6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show no matter how much you try to avoid seeing Jeremy twatface in the morning it cannot be escaped. 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's on Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 3:45pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm You've Been Framed! 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Stories From The Street 8:00pm The Bill 9:00pm Vital Signs 10:00pm Murder Squad 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Never to be Forgotten 11:30pm Waterfront 12:00pm Free Ride 4:10am Britain's Best Back Gardens This should be ‘Britain’s best beer gardens’.

What with the few days of immensely beautiful sunny weather all I want to do now is spend my days in beer gardens drinking pints, or maybe bottles of cool lager and munching on sandwiches and crisps, then going home at around 8pm slightly sozzled and nicely relaxed, maybe slightly sunburnt, and dozing off on the sofa.

Sadly, I can’t afford to get pissed every day and at the moment I don’t have a sofa to fall asleep on. Where are the beer gardens in Cardiff anyway?

I have yet to find them. 4:35am Moving Day 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News

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7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Lunar Jim 10:10am Our Planet 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Watch 10:45am Something Special 11:00am Razzledazzle 11:20am Primary Geography 11:30am English Express 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm What the Tudors Did for Us 1:30pm Golf: British Masters 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Save Lullingstone Castle 7:30pm It's Not Easy Being Green tell me about it, toddlers keep mistaking me for a pea and try to stick me up there noses 8:00pm The Curious House Guest I am the most curious house guest ever, don’t invite me to your house and let me use your loo as it’s likely I’ll be tempted to snoop. Sometimes I just check out the bathroom cupboard, you can a lot about a person from their bathroom cupboard, e.g. whether they’re depressed, tidy, a hoarder,or just a completely unprepared messy bastard who just has an old razor and a box of plasters that your mom bought for you.

8:30pm Mastermind 9:00pm Putin's Palace: This World 10:00pm Nighty Night 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm The Smoking Room 11:50pm Dragon's Den 12:20pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:GCSE Bitesize Revision: Spanish 4:00am GCSE Bitesize

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6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Found 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30am Bargain Hunt I went shopping the other day with the intention of treating myself with a bargain. The only thing in the shops I liked was a slightly overpriced shirt thing. I bought one in red and one in blue. That’s my indulgences over for another four months then. 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Brief Encounters 2:50pm Homes under the Hammer 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Arthur 4:00pm Watch My Chops 4:15pm Watch My Chops just in case they get up and walk of the plate, I can’t wait to eat them with that mash and them there peas. 4:30pm The Really Wild Show 5:00pm Totally Doctor Who 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Holiday Hit Squad 7:30pm EastEnders Little Mo is most definitely a baby basher, oh yes she is, what an evil bitch, you can see it in her eyes. Big Mo, on the other hand, rocks. What a trooper.

8:00pm New Street Law 9:00pm The Street 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Dragon's Eye 11:05pm Question Time 12:05pm This Week 1:15am Sign Zone:Grumpy Old Men 1:45am Sign Zone:Animal Park: Wild in Africa 2:30am Joins BBC News 24 sleepytime.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30am Will and Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am My Eden 9:30am From the Top 9:55am Tate Modern 10:00am Rude Britannia 10:30am Tate Modern 10:35am Bricking It 11:25am Tate Modern 11:30am Tricky Business 11:55am National Gallery 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Binca 12:50am Planed Plant Bach:Wil Cwac Cwac 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Ari Awyren 1:15pm Designers Under Pressure 1:30pm Channel 4 Racing from Chester 3:30pm It's Me or the Dog 4:00pm Planed Plant:Crafwr 4:25pm Planed Plant:Spider-Man 4:45pm Tisio Prisio 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hip Neu Sgip? 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Clwb Garddio 9:00pm Chwalu'r Waliau!

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Friday

Page 24

May 8 - 14 2006

stublerash@youkisshairymen.com

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Tonight With Trevor McDonald ITV 8pm

Boogie Beebies

Planet’s Funniest Animals

Help Wanted: Male

BBC2 8:55am

ITV2 9:25am

five 1:35pm

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Found 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Brief Encounters OF THE THIRD KIND. Men talk about their encounters with sexy lady aliens, and how it led to feelings of sexual inadequacy. “Touch my Hamedy Jiggler raj. That’s it, a little to the left of my Girry Kinder. What do you mean you only have one of those? On our planet the Males have 4000” 2:50pm Homes under the Hammer 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Arthur 4:00pm Fairly Odd Parents Ginger discovers that her parents throwing dead kittens at her from behind the sofa and shouting “hmm you love it” is not normal behaviour.

4:30pm Best of Friends 4:55pm Stitch Up 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm A Question of Sport 7:30pm Airport 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm Home Again 9:00pm Have I Got News for You 9:30pm Smith and Jones Sketchbook 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35pm Pushing Tin A film about air traffic controllers, where Angelina Jolie wears a push up bra and John Cusack reminds us why High Fidelity was the peak of his career.

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies Small dancing children, in really tiny little shoes with little hats. Doesn’t that conjure up the cutest image? Hold it... and they’ve all got run over by a steam roller. 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Lunar Jim 10:10am Our Planet is being taken over by scientologists. Please if your a scientologist get in touch so I CAN LAUGH AT YOU. 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Primary History: Britain Since 1948 10:50am Primary History 11:10am Primary History 11:30am Focus 11:50am Focus 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:30pm Golf: British Masters 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Scrum V Live 9:00pm Gardeners' World 9:30pm San Francisco's Great Quake 10:20pm What the Ancients Did for Us Fuck all.

They invented STDs that’s it.

10:30pm Newsnight 11:00pm Newsnight Review 11:35pm Later with Jools Holland If I could spend the evening alone with Jools Holland, I would do such naughty things to him he would be walking funny for months. No really, I don’t fancy him. Although I did manage to glimpse Preston from The “very inane and boring only famous coz he was on Big Brother and is going out with a moustached if she was at Cardiff Uni she would be doing media studies girl, called Chantelle” Ordinary boys. He looked like fame had sucked out any moral fibre he may have had left. Just a husk of a man.

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7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Doctor Who 9:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Grown Ups 11:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:30pm Spendaholics 12:00 pm: I love you but im not giving you the antidote until you pass this lie detector test proving that we were just giving that prostitute a lift to the station and due to a nuclear blast your clothes had all disintegrated. And that’s why you were naked. Not coz of all the sex Self explanatory really.

The Ordinary Boys just kicked over loads of gair rhydds outside the office. It’s fine we have used the papers to build a small blockade for them to trip over as well as a sign I wrote telling them they were naughty and we would forgive them if they gave us items off there rider. Oh well, boys will be twats. UPDATE The security guards have arrived to guard the Ordinary Boys and haven’t removed my sign. Maybe they can’t read.

7:00pm Time 8:00pm The World Now this is a rather generlised name for such a promising title. So I’m assuming it shows you the world from space for half an hour just to give you a little prespective each morning. 8:30pm Sounds of the Eighties The Cure is the nicest sound from the eighties.

Especially Just Like Heaven.

9:00pm Girls and Boys: Sex and British Pop People talk about how they lost their virginity to Saturday Night by Whigfield, The Macarena by Los Del Rio and Wannabe by the Spice Girls.

One of my friends lost their virginity to the Another Level album. He probably wouldn’t want me to tell you that.

10:00pm In Concert: Melanie WHO? C or B. I would prefer them both to turn up so they would be easier targets for indie terrorists writing the musical wrongs of the past. 10:30pm The Passing Show: The Life and Music of Ronnie Lane 11:30pm Carry On Campus sounds a bit like Los Campesinos. What a band. You two could shamelessly plug your bag on this page.

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Energon 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show This is what Trisha wants to be. This man is so wise, he actually gives advice instead of going “well... when I was manically depressed” Trisha, no one cares. Just help the Chavs.

1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Airline 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 8:30pm American Idol 9:10pm American Idol Results 9:40pm Lip Service 10:10pm Coronation Street 10:40pm Footballers' Wives Extra Time 11:30pm The Ricki Lake Show

6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with... Matt Willis OH MY GOD THE GUY FROM BUSTED. I would rather eat my own foot fried and sugared. 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want At the moment I am into a lot of Angry Female Rock in a totally feminist way. My Ruin in particular as they have a song which says “God wants a piece of my arse.”

I know what they mean, that bum bothering weirdo won’t leave me alone. 1:00pm Totally Frank's Ultimate Mix Tape Totally Ellen’s mix tape would have Taking Back Sunday, Billy Talent, The Mountain Goats and The Drips on . 2:00pm Freshly Squeezed Tunes 3:00pm Brat Camp USA 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Beauty and the Geek 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm Chain Reaction

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Funky Valley full of afros, slap bass and sequinned monkeys 8:40am Titch 8:50am The Clangers 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:35pm Help Wanted: Male I need a sexy young male to help me work my scanner. Must be witty, rich, play guitar, have a lip-piercing, (optional) like alkaline trio and graphic novels and dislike girls who wear a lot of pink.

Preferably he will look like a) Conor Oberst or b) David Tennant. Yes I find the new Doctor Who strangely erotic.

3:40pm Too Young to Be a Father Here’s a tip; become impotent. I hear smoking helps.5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Cricket on Five 8:00pm The History of Britain from the Air 8:30pm Nice House, Shame about the Garden Well if you’re gonna bring up the mass grave in the garden.

I’m sorting it.

9:00pm Little Britain: A Showbiz Marriage 10:00pm Law and Order 11:00pm Law and Order: Special Victims Unit The unit for people whose mums always told them they were special.

Police Officer Johnson investigates a man with his toaster.

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6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am My Eden 9:30am From the Top 9:55am Tate Modern 10:00am Rude Britannia Oh it’s gone all saucy on this page. But this is at 10am so its probably a quick shot of a kitten’s ankle.

10:30am Tate Modern 10:35am Bricking It 11:25am Tate Modern 11:30am Tricky Business 11:55am National Gallery 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 1:30pm Channel 4 Racing from Chester 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal Here’s a debate for you all, best comedy cartoon show?

South Park vs King Of The Hill vs Family Guy vs The Simpsons.

Mine personal opinion is that South Park is and always will be the best. “ Mum, Kitty’s being a Dildo.” “ Well I know a certain Kitty who is sleeping with mummy. Tee hee hee. 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:35pm Unreported World News reports from Narnia (Aslan is dead) Middle Earth (Frodo was bummed to death by Sam) Hogwarts (Harry Potter mistook his wang for his wand and exposed himself in front of Dumbledore. He loved it, Harry didnt. He killed himself. He’s never gonna marry you.)

8:00pm Will and Grace 8:30pm Will and Grace 9:00pm Green Wing So will Mac and Caroline get together, will the annoying scottish lady die. Please.

10:00pm My Name Is Earl 10:35pm My Name Is Earl 11:05pm Comedy Lab 11:35pm

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6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today TV Grace is going on this soon. Her first brush with fame. She’s making us all bow to her whenever she comes in and is sitting on a lentil throne. Think it’s gone to her head. 8:35am Entertainment Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's on Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Feodor 3:35pm Art Attack Neil Buccanan is actually 240. Just aged well. 3:55pm How II Is this still on? Surely they have by now shown everyone everything ever in the world by now. You think I went to school to pass my exams? I just watched this. 4:20pm Skillz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm You've Been Framed!

6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald If it was spending an evening with Mr McDonald I would firstly touch his face, then do an erotic strip tease for him involving midgets peddling tricycles. Wait, I thought you meant Ronald McDonald.

He’s hot, I mean he has big feet so his penis must be huge. This page is very sexually fustrated.

8:30pm A Touch of Frost 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Tarrant on TV 11:35pm Orange Playlist Featuring Songs from A Clockwork Orange written by Jason Orange feautring Apple Martin and Peaches Geldof. Man im running low on ideas.

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PRIMETIME

Call 02920 229977.

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am My Eden 9:30am From the Top 9:55am Tate Modern 10:00am Rude Britannia 10:30am Tate Modern 10:35am Bricking It 11:25am Tate Modern 11:30am Tricky Business 11:55am National Gallery 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach 12:50am Planed Plant Bach1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Pentre Bach 1:15pm Designers Under Pressure 1:30pm Channel 4 Racing from Chester 3:30pm It's Me or the Dog 4:00pm Planed Plant 4:25pm Planed Plant4:50pm Planed Plan 5:00pm The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Uned 5 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Hwyl y Noson Lawen 9:00pm Mawr 9:30pm TV Heaven, Telly Hell 10:00pm Very Annie Mary 11:55pm Green Wing I heart Mac.

Saturday

May 8 - 14 2006

Page 25

savethesloth@tvdesk.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters Beautiful Thing

Morons from outer space

C4 1.30am

BBC1 12.20am

Bag People

ITV2 7.40am

The Book of Pooh

five 8.15am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

PRIMETIME

6:00am The Cubeez 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am French Football: Le Championnat 7:30am To Be Announced 8:00am The Morning Line 9:00am T4:Futurama 9:30am T4:Pure T4 10:00am T4:Friends 10:30am T4:Popworld 11:15am T4:Friends 11:45am T4:Friends 12:15am To Be Announced I’ve finally got a job folks, it’s exciting stuff, I’m working in a bar.

Which probably isn’t a good idea as I haven’t had any experience before and I love alcohol.

However, so far it hasn’t been too bad, I’ve had 3 shifts and I still can’t pour a pint but I can pour you a mean coke! You should see what happens when it comes to cocktails, disaster.

12:45am T4:Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:15pm It's Me or the Dog 4:45pm Wife Swap 5:45pm Deal or No Deal 6:30pm Channel 4 News 7:00pm The Real Da Vincin Code 9:00pm Along Came a Spider 10:55pm Green Wing 11:55pm 4 Music:4Music Presents... 12:25pm 4 Music:The Album Chart Show 12:55pm 4 Music:4Play: Imogen Heap 1:10am 4 Music:4Play: Roridgo y Gabriela 1:25am 4 Music:Michael Jackson's Moments 1:30am Beautiful Thing 3:10am Mr Holland’s Opus 5:25am Countdown Oh yeah, just had pizza break and I feel slightly sick but really great at the same time. The Domino’s barbeque chicken, bacon, onion thing is fuckin lush hoping for some bizarre reason Preston would come to the office and when it’s been months since a then I could show him the numerous slice of pizza has passed your amounts of times I’ve ripped the piss lips. Especially with garlic mayo, I’m tempted to have another out of his girlfriend (see Thursday’s slice...no Jane, don’t do it.

TV listings). I think he’d love that.

6:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse 7:20am MacDonald's Farm is full of chickens bred without feathers for convenience and cows with no legs just lots of meat on them. 7:40am Bag People 8:10am Woodpecker's Tale 8:25am Mags and Mo 8:40am Babar 9:00am Time to Dance 9:10am Teleshopping 9:25am Emmerdale Omnibus 12:10am Coronation Street Omnibus 2:30pm Holiday Showdown 3:30pm Celebrity Fit Club USA 4:30pm Make Me Rich 5:00pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? If I became a millionaire I think I would only want a few million, any more than 2 million and I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I’d just feel really guilty for having all that money knowing that some people have none. Aren’t I thoughtful.

6:00pm Breaking the Magician's Code 2 7:00pm Airline USA 7:30pm Airline USA 8:00pm Nanny 911 8:50pm Movies Now 9:00pm You've Got Mail 11:20pm Lip Service 12:25pm Fatal Instinct 1:40am ITV Play: Quizmania 3:30am Emmerdale Omnibus

6:00am Sunrise 6:55am Oswald 7:15am The Save-Ums! 7:25am The Save-Ums! 7:45am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:00am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:15am The Book of Pooh 8:45am Gerald McBoing Boing 9:15am Don't Blame the Koalas did you know that the koala is the only mammal on earth whose brain does not fit its skull, they have huge heads but their brains are actually smaller and 40% of the inside of a koala’s head is fluid. 9:50am RAD: The Groms Down Under 10:20am Xcalibur 10:50am Blue Water High 11:25am Fifth Gear 12:25am Samson and Delilah 2:55pm Film To Be Announced 4:40pm Charmed 5:35pm 3 Ninjas Kick Back after dozing off at 2 o’clock this morning I was awoken about an hour later by the sound of boyfriend eating tuna and mayonnaise with cheese in a bowl, oh the joys of student life. 7:15pm Cricket on Five 8:00pm NCIS 8:55pm five news and sport 9:10pm CSI:NY 10:10pm Law and Order: Criminal Intent 11:10pm Casualties of War 1:15am Quiz Call 5:35am Animal Airport where all the sloths, wombats and koalas come together and go on holiday to Ibiza, where they consume copious amounts of drugs and alcohol, shag as many other animals as possible and get sunburnt so badly they can’t lie down ( which proves particularly difficult for the sloth). Next week look out for Animal Reps, Porn: a sloth’s business, Friday Night with Jonathan Sloth, and Shipwrecked: battle of the koalas.

PRIMETIME

7:00pm Nicola Benedetti: BBC Young Musician Winner 2004 7:15pm BBC Young Musician 2006 8:15pm Time Shift:Machine Men 9:15pm A for Andromeda B for Britney Spears, C for crap D for die E for emaciated, F for freak, G for gormless, H for hate, I for ignorant, J for joker. 10:40pm A for Andromeda: The Face of the Tiger 11:20pm The Mark Steel Lecture 11:50pm Machine Men 12:50pm A for Andromeda 2:20am The Mark Steel Lecture 2:50am BBC Young Musician 2006 Sloths spend most of their time upside down. They eat, sleep, mate and give birth upside down. When they do go on the ground, either to switch trees or to defecate (usually once a week), they crawl or pull themselves along, as although they can stand, they cannot walk very well. (Actually, there appears to be a bit of a debate on the net as to whether sloths shit upside down or on the ground, some say upside down, some say not). However, they are very good swimmers, how nice for them.

6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory 6:35am Little Einsteins 7:00am Dora the Explorer 7:25am House of Mouse 7:55am Dave the Barbarian 8:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Kim Possible 9:25am Holly and Stephen's Saturday Showdown 11:30am Planet's Funniest Animals we love the sloth, we love the sloth, save the sloth, let’s make it a national emblem.11:50am Mission Impossible III Premiere Special 12:20am ITV News; Weather 12:25am ITV Wales News and Weather 12:30am F1: Spanish Grand Prix Qualifying 2:25pm Pulling Power 2:55pm GP2 Europe 3:25pm The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 4:25pm The Rockford Files 5:25pm ITV Wales News and Weather 5:40pm ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5:55pm You've Been Framed! I hate Saturday TV listings, for some reason there is never much on and usually just lots of films which means there’s lots of space for writing by moi and that is not good as it usually results in me rambling and complaining.

6:20pm X-Men 8:10pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9:10pm Denis Norden's All New 13th Laughter File 10:10pm The In-Laws 11:15pm ITV News 11:30pm The In-Laws 12:20pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:05am People's Court 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News.......I was

PRIMETIME

7:00pm Strictly Dance Fever on Three 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:15pm The Apprentice: The Final 9:15pm The Apprentice: You're Fired 9:45pm Film: High Fidelity 11:30pm Radio one’s big weekend 01.00am The Real Hustle 01.30am The Real Hustle 02.00am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 2:55am 18 With a Bullet I’m currently attempting to find my lovely boyfriend some members for a band. Obviously he wants people who love music and have lots of spare time, so I thought appealing to the student massive would be ideal. So if you’re interested in being in an indie rock n roll band with lots of great tunes in the pipeline get in touch with us peeps at ditchmyster@yahoo.co.uk! I went to London to see him play the other week and it was my first visit to London, isn’t that shocking? How bad is that? When I tell anyone that lives in London they seem to be appalled. I’ve been deprived. And I’m not happy as I’ve got Saturday and there’s bugger all on telly

6:00am CBeebies:Boogie Beebies 6:15am Tweenies 6:35am Big Cook Little Cook 7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:05am Arthur 7:30am Dennis the Menace 7:55am Watch My Chops 8:15am Trollz 8:35am Scooby-Doo 9:00am Mighty Truck of Stuff 10:30am Sportsround 10:45am See Hear 11:30am Golf: British Masters 2:30pm Film To Be Announced 4:15pm Flog It! 5:15pm Great British Menu 5:40pm Nicola Benedetti: A Winning Story 6:40pm To Be Announced I’ll announce something; my hayfever is doing my head in, I’m fed up of sneezing my head off until my eyes water and I look like I’ve been snorting coke all day. Stupid fuckin nose.

8.40pm QI 9:10pm FILM: The English Patient 11:45pm The Joy Luck Club 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University:Hollywood Science 2:30am Truth Will Out 2:45am Background Brief 3:00am Open Advice - Study to Succeed 3:30am Volcanos and the Atmosphere 4:00am Asthma and the Bean how beans can help cure asthma as they create wind and gas 4:30am Blue Haven 5:00am The Arch Never Sleeps 5:30am Ever Wondered ..... by some huge security guy, as if I would pose a threat to the Ordinary Boys, please. TV John’s seen Preston in the lift and corridor numerous times which I think is particularly unfair as I never see anyone remotely famous. I want my claim to fame and I want it now.

I hope they don’t stop the pizza delivery guy from coming up here, that’d be disastrous.......

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am Breakfast 10:00am Saturday Kitchen 11:30am Great British Menu I think this is that program where there’s a bunch of chefs from around the UK all competing to cook for the Queen’s birthday do. It’s a bit late now innit? I want the one from Ireland with the longish straggly hair to win because he’s a chef but he’s not fat which means it can be done and just because you love food it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get supersized. 12:00am BBC News; Weather 12:10am World Cup Focus 1:00pm Grandstand 4:50pm Final Score 5:40pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 6:00pm Strictly Dance Fever 7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm The National Lottery Jet Set 8:20pm Casualty 9:10pm Strictly Dance Fever what has happened to Graham Norton? I think he must have sold his soul to the BBC for a lot of money because why the hell would he want to present this piece of poo? He used to have such a funny little show.

9:40pm BBC News; Weather 10:00pm FILM: The Hunted 11:35pm Match of the Day: FA Cup Final 12.20pm 12:20pm Morons from Outer Space 1:55am Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2:55am Joins BBC News 24 Well it’s all going down in the news office today, as Preston and the Ordinary Boys are reportedly hanging out next door as it’s the ‘backstage’ area. I think a few of the writers have attempted to get an interview but with no luck. I went to buy some sweets from the games room and got stopped by....

6:00am E4 Music Zone 2:00pm The Album Chart Show 2:30pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 7:00pm The Pepsi Max World Challenge 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm To Be Announced 1:15am Porn: A Family Business 1:45am Porn: A Family Business 2:15am Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 3:15am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 4:00am Switched 4:30am Switched 5:00am Fool Around... with Romeo Sloths sleep around 15-18 hours per day and may take up to a month to digest a meal. When sloths have sex, it takes them 3 days because they are so slow. (Is this seriously true?) If a sloth is hungry, it can just eat the algae that grows in its fur. That’s really gross, that means they’ve basically got mould growing in their fur, I can’t imagine they’re in danger from many predators as I doubt slowly rotting lumps of hair and leaves tastes too good.

Isn’t there a sloth in Ice Age? He didn’t look mouldy.

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am French Football: Le Championnat 7:30am To Be Announced 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 10:00am Mission Impossible III: Evolution of a Blockbuster 10:30am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 11:30am Airport 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm Newyddion 5:10pm Y Clwb Rygbi 7:25pm Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7:40pm To Be Announced 8:10pm To Be Announced 9:10pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10:10pm Sleepers 12:50pm 50 Greatest One Hit Wonders 4:00am World Superbikes 4:55am KOTV Among marsupials, wombats are the most playful. Play will often include "head butting, bitting, and running away to solicit a chase." When running, a wombat may "indulge in shoulder rolls and somersaults."

Wombats leave scent trails and droppings to mark their feeding grounds. Wombats have unique cube-shaped dung which helps to keep their markers in place.

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

Sunday

Page 26

May 8 - 14 2006

seeyou@thecrossroads.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Family Fashion

Make it Big

ITV1 5.30pm

five 9.50am

The Worst Jobs in History

Smile

BBC2 7.30am

C4 4.55pm

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 8:00pm Carry On Campus 9:00pm Fathers and Sons 10:30pm To Be Announced 12:25pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 1:25am Fathers and Sons 2:55am To Be Announced What a week! I have reached the pinnacle of existence, I really have. Not only have I been filmed by the GMTV crew for a feature about sandwiches, I have also recieved a week’s free pass to a Lifestyle gym which won’t be used) AND... (wait for it) been a room away from Preston from The Ordinary Boys.

Man, this is the life. I would have been grinning from ear to ear at the thought of my own sheer brilliance if it wasn’t for the fact that I stepped out onto my street earlier and realised that I live on a street full of detritus. The abundance of dog poo really becomes noticable in warm weather. There’s also a dead slug on my bathroom floor.

It’s been there for a week.

There’s nothing like a shrivelled mollusc to bring you back down

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am The Sunday Programme 9:05am Teleshopping 9:25am American Idol 10:15am American Idol Results 10:45am Nanny 911 11:35am Emmerdale Omnibus 2:20pm You've Got Mail I like Tom Hanks. Big and The ‘Burbs are two of the most brilliant films from the whole of the 1980’s, yet if I can’t bring myself to watch this shockingly terrible (sounding) film. How can someone so good get it so wrong?

See also: Apollo 13, Castaway 4:40pm Coronation Street Omnibus 7:00pm Movies Now 7:10pm Planet's Funniest Animals 7:40pm American Idol 8:30pm American Idol Results 9:00pm Supernatural 10:00pm Lip Service 10:30pm Coronation Street 11:00pm Film To Be Announced 1:00am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping

6:00am E4 Music Zone 1:30pm The Pepsi Max World Challenge 2:40pm Popworld 3:30pm Chantelle's Dream Dates 4:00pm Totally Frank 4:30pm Pure T4 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The OC 7:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years Wank.

8:00pm ER 9:00pm Invasion 10:00pm Desperate Housewives 11:00pm Lost 12:00pm My Name Is Earl 12:30pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 1:20am The OC 2:15am ER 3:10am My Name Is Earl 3:35am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 4:35am Switched 4:55am Fool Around... with a gooseberry fool.

Ingredients 450g/1lb gooseberries 150ml/5fl oz elderflower cordial For the custard: 2 egg yolks and other stuff.

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Trans World Sport 7:55am Hollyoaks Omnibus 10:30am One Tree Hill 11:30am Maniffesto 12:00am Yr Wythnos 12:30am Cwpwrdd Dillad 1:00pm 04 Wal 1:30pm Small Railway Journeys 1:45pm Channel 4 Racing from Newmarket and Salisbury 3:50pm Y Clwb Pel-Droed 6:00pm Newyddion 6:05pm Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 8:00pm Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8:30pm Chwarae'r Cymoedd 9:00pm Con Passionate Porn version of Con Air. This time Knickerless Cage is trapped on a plane with ten buff boyz.

10:05pm Newyddion I’ve almost got to the end of this page without even a hint of a sarky comment directed at TV Gareth. I think I’ve exhausted all avenues of insult. OK, so we all now know that he’s gay. I have no more to say on this subject. The other TV people are too nice to publicly denounce. I could insult myself, but that’d be silly.

PRIMETIME

6:00am The Sunday Programme 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am Recess 7:40am Winx Club 8:05am Power Rangers SPD Beware! ‘SPD’ stands for ‘Severe Pain and Death’ 8:30am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Super Robot Monkey Team... 9:25am Skillz 9:30am Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 9:45am Black Hole High 10:15am To Be Announced 11:50am ITV News; Weather 11:55am ITV Wales News and Weather 12:00am F1: Spanish Grand Prix Live 3:00pm To Be Announced 3:30pm British Touring Cars Championship 5:30pm Family Fashion Another week, another tale dragged deep from my embarrasing past.

Yippee! Yes, my family all had matching shellsuits. And we all wore them at the same time.

Together. Mine was a hot pink Nike one. I ripped it when I wore it up Snowdon and I was devasted for literally weeks.

6:00pm Grass Roots 6:30pm ITV Wales News and Weather 6:45pm ITV News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Heartbeat 9:00pm To Be Announced 10:30pm ITV News 10:45pm The Classical BRIT Awards 2006 ‘Ill Devvo and Il Divo duet. Expect strong language and forceful trombone playing. 12:00pm F1: Spanish Grand Prix Highlights 1:00am ITV Play: The Mint 3:20am Fat Chance 3:45am Redcoats Extra 4:10am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 4:35am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News Up at this time?

You’ve: a) Been on a massive drugs bender OR b) Are creeping home after knobbing a stranger.

Either way I don’t like you.

PRIMETIME

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters

7:00pm Doctor Who Confidential 7:15pm Doctor Who 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Little Britain 9:30pm Little Britain 10:00pm Grown Ups Serious question time: At what age are you classified as an adult? I’m not talking about in the eyes of the law here, (the police can kiss my ass, the baguettetroughing gluttons!) but rather the age when you begin to act like a responsible adult and face up to reality? I’m 21 and still find jokes about toilets funny, worry that my parents will find out that I smoke and can’t even fill out a TV licence form properly, let alone a tax return. Am I alone in this incompetence? Will I grow out of it?

10:30pm To Be Announced 11:00pm To Be Announced 11:30pm To Be Announced 12:30pm To Be Announced 1:30am Grown Ups 2:00am To Be Announced 2:30am To Be Announced 3:00am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron

6:00am CBeebies:Boogie Beebies 6:20am Tweenies 6:40am Big Cook Little Cook Here’s a recipe kids: take a chapati/tortilla/pitta and toast lightly.

Leave aside until further notice.

Gently oven bake some falafel on a medium heat. Meanwhile, dice some salad items of your choice.

Now it’s time to make a dressing from honey, balsamic vinegar, soy sauce (dark), lemon juice, and extra virgin olive oil. Toss all ingredients together and assemble into a wrap formation.

Yummy. More tasty treats next week. Yay! 7:00am CBBC:Batfink 7:10am Krypto the Superdog 7:30am Smile 10:00am Sunday Brunch 11:30am Film To Be Announced 1:30pm Sunday Grandstand 6:00pm Scrum V 6:50pm To Be Announced 7:00pm Top of the Pops Although I admire some of the less fashion victim-y outfits sported by Fern Cotton; I find her large nostils decrease my enjoyment of TOTP far too much to merit me watching it. Alas, I will not be able to see Crazy performed acoustically for the 127th time.

7:35pm To Be Announced 8:00pm To Be Announced 9:00pm World Cup Stories 10:00pm To Be Announced 10:30pm To Be Announced erm, sorry about all the gaps. It’s not my fault, blame those pesky TV listings people. 11:20pm Arrested Development 11:45pm Film To Be Announced 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners:Adult Learners Week: Skills You should’ve paid attention at school, you RETARDS! 3:00am Adult Learners Week: Books 4:00am Adult Learners Week: Diversity 5:00am Adult Learners Week: Beliefs

P R I M E T I M E

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am Breakfast 8:10am Match of the Day 9:00am Sunday AM 10:00am Heaven and Earth with Gloria Hunniford Gloria “Scuttle from The Little Mermaid” Hunniford attempts to provoke thoughtful debate on contemporary issues surrounding spirituality such as whether Jesus had a beard. Gripping.

11:00am Bargain Hunt 11:30am Countryfile Since I hail from more arcadian climbs than bustling Cardiff, I would consider myself an expert on all things countryside related. Although it is enjoyable to spend your leisure time on a peaceful country break, I find that the great outdoors smells of a combination of manure, rotting peas and burning sheep. There is absolutely nothing to do after 10pm either. 12:00am The Politics Show 1:00pm EastEnders 2:55pm To Be Announced 4:00pm To Be Announced 4:55pm Points of View 5:10pm Songs of Praise 5:45pm Antiques Roadshow 6:35pm The Impressionists 7:35pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00pm To Be Announced 9:00pm To Be Announced 10:00pm BBC News; Weather 10:15pm Panorama I glanced across quickly at this and thought it said ‘paranoia’. Now I’m slightly paranoid that I: a) Can’t see properly in my Jenny Eclairstyle glasses; b) Am an imbecile; c) I’m cursed.

11:00pm To Be Announced 11:50pm Film To Be Announced 1:35am Sign Zone:Holby City 2:35am Sign Zone:A Passion for Churches 3:05am Sign Zone:The Armstrongs 3:35am Sign Zone:A Seaside Parish 4:05am Sign Zone:Animal Park: Wild in Africa 4:50am Joins

PRIME-

Call 02920 229977.

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Trans World Sport 7:55am Red Bull Air Race 8:20am Vee-TV 8:50am T4:One Tree Hill 9:50am T4:Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:20am T4:Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands When this is finally over I’ll hopefully get my life back. Although I’d rather be trapped on an island with Jeffery Dahmer than these poncey idiots, this is a compulsive series and it must be stopped.

On second thoughts, I wouldn’t rather be trapped on an island with a serial killer. That’d be silly. I think that Irish bloke’ll snap soon though.1:45pm Channel 4 Racing from Newmarket and Salisbury 3:55pm T4:The Pepsi Max World Challenge 4:55pm The Worst Jobs in History 6:00pm Lost 6:50pm Lost 7:40pm Channel 4 News 8:00pm Invasion 9:00pm 50 Greatest One Hit Wonders 12:10pm The Album Chart Show 12:40pm World Superbikes 1:40am Red Bull Air Race 2:10am KOTV 2:40am South American Football Championship 3:30am French Football: Le Championnat 5:20am British GT Championship 5:50am Making It Since I can’t seem to resist showing off my culinary prowess this eventide, I will share another recipe for your eating pleasure. GRACE’S THAI CURRY. You will need: Green thai curry paste, garlic, ginger, chillies, spring onions, mange tout, tofu, par-boiled potatoes, carrot, baby sweetcorn, peppers, coconut milk, coconut cream and beansprouts.

Step one: Cook Step two: Eat. 5:55am Inuk

6:00am Franklin 6:25am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:50am Oswald 7:10am The Save-Ums! 7:30am The Save-Ums! 7:45am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:00am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:20am The Book of Pooh 8:50am Gerald McBoing Boing 9:20am Snobs 9:50am Make It Big 10:25am Heroes of History 10:55am Blue Water High 11:30am Round the Twist My smug friend got to visit THE lighthouse the other day.

12:00am A Different Life 12:30am Divine Designs 1:00pm five news update 1:10pm Any Which Way You Can 3:15pm Tobruk 5:20pm Submarine X-1 7:00pm five news and sport 7:15pm Cricket on Five 8:00pm Everybody Hates Chris 8:30pm Everybody Hates Chris 9:00pm Three Kings 11:10pm World's Wildest Police Videos I know that it’s a bit bad to slag off the police, but they are extremely greedy. I’m not making assumptions here, I’m speaking from experience. Local police have been known to order two lunches at once. It actually happens quite regularly - I’ve seen it with my own four eyes. Fatties.

12:05pm ITU World Cup Triathlon 12:40pm Major League Baseball Live 4:05am Motorsport Mundial 4:30am World Supercross Grand Prix There once was a TV editor called Grace, Who tried desperately to fill some space.

Her page was blank, It looked a bit wank, So she gave up and scarpered without a trace.

I WISH.

Five Minute Fun

May 8 2006

Page 27

lecturersonstrike@moretimeforsudoku.com

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Disregard 25 officer 12 Badly treated Vegetation 13 (3,4) 26 Atrocity Amplified light 15 Unemployed DOWN 1 Flung 16 Angora 17 2 Delicately Spout 18 Image built 3 More recorder 19 charming 4 Water-heater 21 Caterpillar, eg 5 Composition Up-and-coming with recurring performer 6 theme 22 Bar of Geometric gold shape 7 Church

BOG

HOG

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A: B: C: D:

DOG

GOGS

LEO - July 24 - Aug. 23 Just go with your urges to March with the Penguins. It will not be a mission Impossible but the Day after Tomorrow your Godfather and My Cousin Vinny will march you up to Brokeback Mountain. You may need your grease as you rock on up to Button Moon, but don’t panic the hitchhickers Guide to the Galaxy will serve you well. Watch out for Star Wars. Failing all that, you can Stand by Me.

VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 Yo bitch, big up your mother go get yourself a gerkin merkin and most on down the west side.

Everyone loves a pickled cucumber on your muff.

Consider befriending a Scorpio and join the hair cult. You may have to invest in some beads, but I’m sure it will be worth it. Be sure to warn any unsuspecting forest creatures so that they don’t get trapped and die in your muffnet.

LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23 Sydney is where the heart of the musicals are.

Follow your dreams and busk to your hearts content.

SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 Get back to nature, by letting all your body hair grow then plait it, braid it and put some beads on it, it’s this-centuries must have look. It will be a sight to behold, as you clack your way down the street. You will become a clacky god among men and will be worshiped by your hairy followers. Don’t let it go to your head, you will be hairy and alone by Thursday when you run out of deodorant.

SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 You know we belong together, you and I forever and ever, no matter where you are you’re my guiding star, and from the very first moment I saw you, I never felt such emotion I’m walking on air just to know (just to know) you are theeeeeerrreeeeee. Hold me in your arms don’t let me go I want to stay forever, closer each day Home and Away.

CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 The believers have a plan for Tasha. Beware.

Who’s the man? What’s in the tent? Why can’t I get this fluff from between my toes? Why does my belly button smell like shoe polish? These and many other questions will be answered in next weeks show.

AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Stop beating about the bush, plant rape never helped anyone. Think your big and clever do you, you big bully. What did they ever do to you? Eh? Go pick on someone your own size.

PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Try something different in your sexual habits this week, the most cosmic friendly thing to do is stump fucking… that’s S T U M P kids, just in case you were wondering. Just grab that stump and away you go. It’s fun for all the family, apart from Uncle Joe, you can’t fuck a stump if you can’t see it.

ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 You will overdose on morphine this week and an old gypsy will offer to read your palm. You think she means your palm but she actually meant your tree. Embarrassment will follow but you will both get over it and become best buds, strangely her name is morphine Sue. Look out for an old codger called Alf, he will try and make you fish with him, don’t be fooled by his hooks, run away.

Quickly.

When When When While

Ted Heath died Joey Ramone died Gene Pitney died rustling up an onion bhajii

7. Who tried to buy back the HMV-owned chain that carries his name?

A: B: C: D:

Bill Clinton(‘s Cards) Zara Tsar Gabor Antonio Kwik-Save Tim Waterstone

8. Complete the title of this hit by Dir ty Pretty Things. Bang Bang, You’re...

A: Dead B: Paris Hilton in an embarassing video mishap C: Roy Rogers D: Wallop, what a picture

answers:

CANCER - June 23 - July 23 Unlucky is the name of the game and you’re on top this week. Monday will see you put in a coma by a falling grand piano and by Friday you will have been raped, pillaged and put on a course of antibiotics by your friendly neighbourhood psycho. Good luck.

Steve Davies John Major Steve McLaren Chris Mar tin

6. When was the last time Preston from the Ordinar y Boys cried?

with Frey & Bentos

GEMINI - May 22 - June 22 Once again you will have to overcome your urge to have sexual relations with a lime and a coconut. You’re doing well up until now so keep with it and maybe one day that elusive pomegranate will make itself know. Simply put on your honey pot costume and hope for the best.

Preserve based rival: marmalade.

a

David Lloyd-George Harold Wilson Winston Churchill Dave Cameron

1.B, 2.D, 3.C, 4.D, 5.C, 6.B, 7.D, 8.A

Helping the needy

at

5. Who’s the new England manager?

A: B: C: D:

TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21 Sonia get’s all feisty and Charlie worries that little mo is a nutter, while Sir Trevor tells it like it is and John Snow and takes a look at early Internet porn. Haddocks on your cornflakes won’t give you any thrills, but at least it’s better than a nose trimmer up your arse.

Xtina Aguilera Thora Hird Britney Spears Richard Blackwood

4. Which politician was spied Radiohead gig last week?

24

ACROSS 1 Characteristic 8 Archaic 9 Revolver 10 Over joint 11 Cascade 14 Arm of the Mediterranean 15 Floor support 16 Wise Counsellor 20 Obstruction 23 Filbert 24

A: B: C: D:

3. Which former teen star is expecting their second kiddie?

14

16

Jason Statham Ray Winstone Vinnie Jones Danny Dyer

2. A star of which HBO series was arrested this week?

7

8

12

Returning for one week only?

1. Which tough-guy actor told fans not to cause trouble at the World Cup in Germany?

9

11

Text 07791 165 837

4

2

2

T

? The Big Quiz

he Hall of Shame really started to take off before the Easter break, so now that everyone is back and “revising hard”, will mean we need of a good laugh more than ever. Keep it funny and vaguely clean, we’ve already been threatened with legal action once. Seriously.

6 7

HALL OF SHAME

NTED WA We are currently looking for someone to take over the Five Minute Fun page, starting in September.

If you are interested then you should contact: fiveminutefun@gairrhydd.com

Listings

Page 28

May 8 2006

d e d n e m m Reco listings@gairrhydd.com

Myster y Jets

Buddy - The Buddy Holly Stor y

@ CF10

@ New Theatre

Fri. May 12

Mon. May 8

7.15pm/£9.50

7.30pm / £ Contact venue.

Schmit recommends

O

ver the last year the Mystery Jets have risen from obscurity. They have gone from their humble abode, Eel Pie Island, to well, er , CF10.

They have already become quite accustomed to playing in Cardiff in recent times, playing a gig in Clwb Ifor Bach last year, before heading out on the road with the Futureheads, and then visiting Cardiff again, this time filling the prestigious opening slot of the NME Awards Tour 2006.

For those of you new to the weird domain of the Mystery Jets, they are Blain (vocals), Will (guitar), Henry (guitar, keys), Kai (bass), and Kapil (drums).

In todays world every new band needs an uber-cool image to accom-

pany their music; the Mystery Jets seem to have overlooked this. There is even a father and son (Blain and Henry) within the band.

The band have recently released their critically acclaimed debut album, Making Dens, to a rapturous reception by the masses.

The album followed singles such as You Can’t Fool Me Dennis, Alas Agnes and Zoo Time.

The Mystery Jets have recently been added to the Radio 1 Big Weekend in Dundee this year, but it’s a Radio 1 event of a different nature that brings them to Cardiff tonight.

Steve Lamacq visits one of the UK’s cities every now and again to showcase some of the country’s finest music, and broadcast it live to stereos nationwide.

Lamacq in the City will provide another two bands tonight, along with the Mystery Jets, making the evening a snip at under £10 a ticket. The other bands on the bill tonight are Battle, and the Victorian English Gentleman’s Club, both hotly-tipped in their own right.

If you don’t have a ticket by the time you read this, then get your trainers on and get running to the ticket office.

Fast.

P ic k e of th k We e

VENUES

Harris recommends

T

oday is the first showing of Buddy: The Buddy Holly Story, based on the life of one of the most influential performers of the 1950s, from his struggles with his record company to his eventual death on tour.

Touring nationally after 13 years in London, Buddy began at the Theatre Royal in London in 1989. It moved to the Strand in 1995 and giving a total of 5140 performances, all interspersed with his hits such as Peggy Sue and That’ll Be the Day. Holly was born in 1936 in Texas,

and as a child loved music, and originally a country singer, got the opportunity for his duo that was formed at high school to open for Elvis Presley in his hometown of Lubbock.

He died four years later in 1959, in the infamous plane crash alongside JP 'Big Bopper' Richardson and Ritchie Valens.

Although he only had two years in the spotlight, from 1957-59, Holly had immense success, helping to forge rock and roll alongside Elvis and Chuck Berry.

He was even more popular in Britain than in the US, influencing beat bands like the Beatles, as

... . . k e e w s i h t o s l A

well as the Rolling Stones, and the visual style of artists such as Elvis Costello, who copied his trademark thick black glasses.

The impact of his death caused Don Maclean to write American Pie, released in 1971, referring to his death as ‘the day the music died.’

So, why should you go and see it? the Sun says: “It’s Buddy brilliant”. More credibly, the New York Times says: “Golden oldies pounded out the way they used to be.” If you’re looking for a break from revision, or perhaps another reason to put it off longer, then this could be it.

Students’ Union, Park Place, 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park, 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach, 11 Womanby Street, 02920 232199, www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway, Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row, 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street, 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane, 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place, 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street, 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street, 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street , 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street, www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes, 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Canton, 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay, 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place, 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk Sherman Theatre, Seng’dd Rd, 02920 646900www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay, 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk CIA, Mary Ann Street, 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium, Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay, 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com

John Martyn - Mon 8 May @ St. David’s Hall ... Little Flames - Tues 9 May @ Barfly ... I Had an Inkling / Pifco Wed 10 May @ New Model Inn ... The Earlies - Thurs 11 May @ Barfly ... The Rakes - Thurs 11 May @ Students’ Union ... The Longcut - Fri 12 May @ Clwb Ifor Bach ... Live Music Society: Two Day Rule / May Contain Nuts / The Rebecca Riot - Sat 13 May @ Clwb Ifor Bach ...

Th e Ea rlies

Sport

May 8 2006

Page 29

sport@gairrhydd.com

SOLENT SHOCKER

By James Woodroof Cricket Reporter

By Ed Jones Sport Editor

AFTER THE resounding win over Brighton, complacency appears to have pegged back Cardiff firsts bid for the BUSA Premier League title.

Newly promoted Southampton Solent won the toss and elected to bat to the bemusement of Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s veterans.

The pitch at Llanrumney usually does no favours for batsman this early on in the season.

Nevertheless, the visitors got away to a flyer, with an opening partnership of 141 between Morton and Attfield in just 24 overs.

Their aggressive, albeit fortunate, style took Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pace men by surprise, who struggled to find a good length.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;The Premier League title is the pinnicle of university cricketâ&#x20AC;?

Left-arm spinner James Excell got the breakthrough, which marked the start of a comeback for shell-shocked Cardiff. The wickets began to tumble as Excell and fellow spinner Ben Orr piled on the pressure, reducing Solent to 156-4 off 33 overs. The game was in the balance and Cardiff showed some real grit to finish Solent off for 224. Much of this was due to left-arm seamer Ben Walker, who took four wickets for 15 runs at the death.

Cardiff refuse to play second fiddle Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 2nd XI cricketers began their BUSA campaign in stunning form, smashing Bath 3rd XI and Aberystwyth 2nd XI by 212 and 246 runs respectively.

On Sunday, Bath won the toss and put Cardiff into bat first in the 50aside limited overs contest.

Two and a half hours later, Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2DC;s skipper declared the innings with the score at 300 for 7 off only 40 overs.

Ali Garnsworthy set the tone with a rapid 31, before Andy Cornick (59) and Tom McNeil (67) piled on the runs.

Powerful contributions then followed from Jones (28), Ben Anderson

(28) and Deepak Yadav (32). Bath were then skittled for a mere 88 runs with Walleed taking five for 28 on his league debut.

Wednesday saw a confident Cardiff side suffer an early shock. Having elected to bat first, Jones saw his side struggle to 23 for four in the opening ten overs. Dean Cox then displayed an impressive technique and temperament on his way to 101.

His efforts were ably supported by Ben Anderson (25), Ali Price (56) and Mike Muston (34). Cardiff finished with 317 for 7 from their 50 overs.

A ramshackle Aberystwyth batting line-up was then dismissed contemptuously for a meagre 71 runs.

Price took 3 wickets for 16 runs while Jones clinched 3 for 6.

COMPLACENT: Cardiff soundly beaten However, such a turn-around by Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s bowlers was not reflected by their top-order batsmen.

Vice-captain Aled Lloyd was unlucky to drag a ball from well outside off-stump onto his stumps in the second over. Brightonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s match-winner Steve Paul followed in the next over, leaving Cardiff well behind schedule on 3-2 before the bowlers had even broken sweat.

Fury and Allen provided a brief fight-back, before both gave their wickets away cheaply.

The middle-order didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hang

around either, as Cardiff slumped to 41-6 off 14 overs. Stewart and Excell dug deep, but the damage was already done.

Cardiff lasted just 33 overs, plundering to 98 all out, 126 short of their target.

Solent gave Cardiff a wake up call.

The Premier League is the pinnacle of university cricket, and the title is not a dead cert.

The defeat has blown the league wide open, with Cardiff, UWIC, Southampton, Glamorgan and Solent all winning one and losing one.

CARDIFF: Fine early form

7*398 +742

Â&#x2020; 5*7 <**0

7*398 +742

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47 &551> &9 8*;*73 54.39

Sport

Page 30

May 8 2006

sport@gairrhydd.com

Off to a flying start

By James Woodroof Cricket Reporter

Mo Aga looked dangerous before he was magnificently stumped down the leg-side by keeper Greg Fury on 16.

Fury was in action again in the following over, with another sharp stumping off Stewart.

Fury’s stumpings changed the game; Brighton were racing away on 30-1 from four overs, before Fury’s glovework reduced them to 35-3 off five.

PHOTO: Adam Gasson

CARDIFF’S CRICKETERS started this BUSA season will two magnificent victories over Brighton and Bath.

Cardiff firsts travelled to 2005 champions Brighton and expected a tough match.

Cardiff’s problems were com-

pounded once more through lack of availability and injuries to key players, but the eleven players selected proved more than capable.

Brighton were put into bat on a track that offered assistance for Cardiff’s seamers. Debutant paceman Oli Stewart picked up a wicket in his first over thanks to a sharp catch from Steve Paul at cover point.

Brighton’s Kenyan international

Cardiff continued to apply the pressure, as the run-rate was pegged back

by Woodroof and Walker, who between them removed the middle order.

Cardiff were clearly on top, and their aggressive tactics ground Brighton further into the ground.

Spinners Orr and Excell turned the screw and Brighton were left shellshocked, finishing on 142 all out, with another nine overs remaining in the innings.

But the job was only half done.

Openers Aled Lloyd and Steve Paul

were positive from the off, accumulating a partnership of 59 before Lloyd was caught behind off Aga. Fury didn’t hang around, leaving Chris Allen and Paul to dig in.

They added 44 for the third wicket, before Allen’s off stump was removed again by Aga. But Paul was in sublime form, smashing two sixes and eight fours on his way to a match-winning 75 not out.

Cardiff reached the total with thirteen overs to spare and seven wickets intact.

BRIGHTON

CARDIFF

Worthington ct. Paul b. Stewart 0 Wallace st. Fury b. Stewart 17 Aga st. Fury b. Stewart 16 Meldrum b. Stewart 0 Treloar b. Woodroof 4 Brandom b. Walker 14 Feasey b. Woodroof 11 Goddard NOT OUT 40 Bevan ct. Fury b. Orr 5 Brutton LBW b. Orr 5 Lester b. Excell 2 Extras 28 TOTAL from 40.2 Overs 142

Stewart Price Woodroof Walker Excell

CARDIFF

5 4 10 6 9.2

0 0 2 1 2

31 29 28 21 13

Lloyd ct. Goddard b. Aga Paul NOT OUT Fury ct. Feasey b. Aga Allen b. Aga Foot NOT OUT Extras TOTAL from 36.1 Overs

4 0 2 1 1

28 75 2 14 4 20 143-3

The Ultimate

By Steve Smith Ultimate Frisbee Reporter

CARDIFF: Cracking start

Hatfield heartbreak

By David Hoare Canoe Polo Reporter A GREY AND DAMP weekend in Doncaster saw Hatfield Water Park play host to the BUSA Canoe Polo Championship. For many of the Cardiff players, this was their first BUSA Polo outing.

The ladies got off to a great start against UWE Ladies with a 2-0 win, with both Izzy Kaminski and Helen Hocknell getting on the score sheet for Cardiff, to much cheering and applause from the A team who were watching from the bank.

The Ladies’ next game against Southampton was a close contest, but Southampton’s defence denied Cardiff any shots on goal.

Their quick breaks got the better of the ladies and the game ended in a 1-0 win for Southampton.

The ladies’ last game saw them come up against hot favourites ULU Ladies.

Despite Cardiff’s strong defence, the team from London showed some of their best form, with their top players putting 12 goals past Cardiff without Cardiff scoring one goal in response.

The ladies finished bottom of their group on the first day, which sadly meant they were knocked out of the

competition.

The A team’s first game saw them come up against Manchester. Cardiff came up against strong attacks throughout the game and could not get through Manchester’s defence.

The game ended in a 3-0 loss for Cardiff. Undeterred, Cardiff pulled themselves together in their second game against Cambridge.

CANOE: Wet Bob Jones finally managed to find the back of the net after being denied by not only the Cambridge goalkeeper, but also by the cross bar.

After Cambridge got one back to level the score, Rob Edmunds also hit the target, giving Cardiff A their first win of the weekend.

After a strong game against Cambridge, Cardiff took an early lead

against Sheffield Hallam, with Al O’Kennedy scoring a fine first goal.

Bob Jones got his second of the weekend, but Hallam managed to get one back before half time, bringing the score to 2-1.

After pressing hard against Hallam’s defence, Cardiff were rewarded with an eventual 3-1 win, with the final goal coming in the form of an impressive long range effort from Mark Miles.

The A team finished second in their group, putting them through into the second day’s group stage.

The next day saw all the top two teams from each of the first day’s groups competing, putting Cardiff in a considerably harder group on the second day.

The first game against York was a very close game. York managed a close range goal that got the better of Cardiff’s goalkeeper, Andy Francis, who had denied them up to that point.

The game finally ended in a 1-0 loss for Cardiff.

Cardiff then faced strong favourites Loughborough and despite their best efforts at defence and keeping possession, Loughborough recorded a 6-0 win. Cardiff’s final game of the event was against a strong Newcastle side, which eventually ended in a 2-0 defeat for Cardiff.

CARDIFF'S ULTIMATE Frisbee team, No Frills, were hosts to the biggest event in the UniUltimate calendar last week.

The University Outdoor Nationals were held at Llanrumney Fields, which accomodated the two 16-team tournaments, Divisions 1 and 2.

No Frills showed themselves to be a much improved side, after not qualifying for Division 1 last year they pulled out a gutsy performance to finish 3rd in the top division this time around.

Cardiff were comprehensively beaten by tournament favourites

FRISBEE: Much improved

Ro Sham Bo (Edinburgh) in the semi-finals, who went on to beat Mythago (Bristol) 15-4 in the Final. Flatball (St. Andrews) took the most spirit team award.

The Cardiff side, however, did manage to pick themselves up and win their their place play-off game against Haze (Loughborough).

James Stanley was voted the ‘Most Valuable Player’ on the Frill’s side over the weekend.

The second Division was dominated by the Irish.

UCD (Dublin) took the Division 2 title against Mohawks (Sussex), and were also voted as the most spirited team in the division.

Sport

May 8 2006

Page 31

sport@gairrhydd.com

FITTING FINALE PHOTO: Adam Gasson

By Jon Berridge Chief Rugby Reporter

Cardiff 1st XV...................40 Carmarthen Trinity 1st XV...3

continued from back page The Cardiff team looked disappointed at half time and were determined to command the game in the second half. White, Hayes and Gough all came close but Wrexham managed to keep the score at one apiece. The final was to go to extra time once again.

Despite playing 90 minutes of furious hockey the day before, Cardiff’s fitness was still superior. A string of short corners followed a passage of Cardiff possession.

It was Courtney who made the breakthrough in the 75th minute. A well-planned short corner switched the ball across the D and back to the Cardiff skipper, who swept the ball past the Wrexham ‘keeper. Cardiff played out the match in professional fashion, with the solid defensive line of McGahon, Tom Moore, Gareth Owen and Tony Gough keeping the Wrexham attack away from Ferguson’s goal.

Cardiff University were crowned champions of Wales and booked their ticket to the European competition next year. Captain and goalscoring hero Duncan Courtney spoke to the gair rhydd after the game.

“It’s been a superb season; we have won every competition that we have entered. Now we have won the Welsh Cup and found ourselves traveling to represent Wales next season in Europe. We are the TNS of hockey”.

Cardiff completed their domestic treble on Wednesday with a 6-2 rout over arch rivals Swansea in the Welsh Universities Cup.

By David Hoare Canoe Polo Reporter

SILVERWARE: What a season

Sinking Swans

By George Pawley Sport Reporter

Swansea Ladies’ Hockey.....1 Cardiff Ladies’ Hockey .......5 CARDIFF BLAZED to victory on a successful day in the Welsh Cup, following a ‘professional’ 5 - 1 victory to capture the Welsh Cup against old enemies Swansea at the Sketty Lane playing fields. The win tops an impressive season in

which they were runners up in the BUSA Trophy and their triumph at this year’s Varsity.

A goal inside the first ten minutes nullified Swansea’s early pressure. A ball was flashed through the area, and a criminal failure to clear from the home side’s defence presented Laura Ferguson with the simplest of chances to open the scoring, with which she duly obliged.

Cardiff looked as if they were strolling to victory as Sophie Blair PHOTO: George Pawley

CARDIFF 1ST XV rounded off their most successful ever season with victory in the Welsh Cup Final, beating a Carmarthen Trinity XV that had defeated both the Cardiff Medics and Swansea University in earlier rounds.

Cardiff effectively sealed the game in the opening minutes when skipper James Cole drove over from close range.

His score was quickly followed up by fly half John Lamswood who capitalised on a handling error in the Trinity defense.

Cardiff could only manage one further score before half-time, No 8 James Corless going over from the base of a scrum.

The second forty minutes followed the same pattern with Cardiff on top yet it was only in the final quarter when the game was effectively sealed with a further try from Cole and scores from winger Geoff Hobbs and full back Jack Beamin.

Cardiff handed 1st XV debuts to scrum half Tom Powell and prop Ian Mailings. It was a clinical Cardiff display that ensured they gained the national trophy for the first time in their history.

Cardiff host canoe polo

CARDIFF: Champions of Wales

converted during a scrappy period of play, but on the stroke of half-time a clever finish from an awkward angle saw Swansea pull back to 2 - 1 at the interval.

The second-half battle began as fiercely as the first, with chances at both ends; the next goal would certainly be critical.

Ferguson squandered a half chance as she skewed a shot well wide, albeit from a tricky skidding delivery. Then a break down the right from Swansea saw a crossed ball slide across goal, needing only a meaningful touch to find the net.

Undeterred by the occasion, even with the game on a knife-edge, Cardiff ran out comfortably from then on in, breaching their opposition’s defence a further three times.

Sophie Blair crunched home the third, following a neat attack from Tamara Fateh. Scorer then turned provider as a short corner won by Blair, created an opening for Amy McGovern who slammed home.

The onslaught was completed in the closing stages by Philly Cox, as she finished high into the net, completing the 5 - 1 score line.

Obviously delighted by the result was Women’s Captain Becky Wheeler who was playing in her last game for the club.

She said: “It’s the perfect way to finish off the season, and our most successful season in my years here.”

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Canoe Club held their annual Canoe Polo Tournament in Cardiff Bay over the first weekend of April.

Despite the strong winds a large crowd turned up to cheer on the home teams and watch this new and exciting sport being played by some of the top university teams in the country.

Teams from Universities of London Union (ULU), Nottingham, Birmingham, Bath, Bristol and Cardiff were in attendance, competing in the A, Open and Ladies’ Leagues. The first day-and-a-half saw the round-robin part of the competition played, with all the teams in their respective leagues playing each other. The A teams were competing for not only the respect of their fellow players and club pride but also £100 gift voucher generously donated by Outdoor Active, who helped to sponsor the event.

With generous prizes at stake, the top positions were strongly contested with Cardiff Old Boys and Nottingham A finishing in the top two positions in the A League.

ULU Ladies and Nottingham B headed the Open League and ULU Ladies and Bath Ladies battled for first place in the Ladies League. After full time, the final of the Open League was drawn at 11 and then Poppy Freeman clinched the match for ULU Ladies with a stunning goal in golden goal extra-time.

The eagerly awaited match-up between Bath Ladies and ULU Ladies did not disappoint the crowds that had gathered to watch the finals in the dying light of Sunday afternoon. ULU took an early lead through Rebecca Ward, but Bath’s Angela Crowther scored from a penalty to equalise.

ULU Ladies fought back hard and were rewarded with their second and winning goal from Ward.

The longstanding rivalry between Nottingham and Cardiff flared up again in the A League final, with both Nottingham A and the Cardiff Old Boys being cheered on by big crowds.

Nottingham took an early one goal lead with a fantastic shot from John Richmond. Cardiff responded in style with two goals from Elan Winters, a third set up by Phil Holmes and finished by Tim Williams.

WELSH CUP: Rugby & Hockey

CRICKET: Season openers

Page 31

Page 29-30

PLUS: Frisbee & Canoe Polo Pages 30

gair rhydd

Sport

By Paul Hayes Chief Hockey Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY hockey rounded off a remarkable season by winning a domestic treble. After promotion in both leagues, Cardiff reached the climax of the season and clinched all three Welsh Cup competitions, including a 2-1 win over Wrexham in the Welsh Cup Final.

The Cup final weekend got off to a flying start, with a 3-1 victory over Bridgend, claiming from them the Welsh Shield. With

the two sides locked in a 0-0 stalemate, spectators and players prepared for a dramatic finish. Bridgend stunned the Cardiff defence with a goal in the final ten minutes. Cardiff won a short corner in the dying seconds and as the final whistle blew, the score stood 1-0 to Bridgend, with the penalty corner still to play. This left Cardiff one final chance to take the game into extra time. It was captain Paul Hayes who found himself space at the corner and his first time strike found the back board giving the students an equaliser with the final touch of normal time. Gavin

Vollmer scored in the first half of extra time and then Tom Nicholas sealed the win with a fantastic reverse stick finish after a wonderful cross from Henry Cole.

After winning the Welsh Shield on Saturday morning, Cardiff had to put their celebrations on hold as they prepared for the biggest match in Welsh hockey. After defeating the favourites Cardiff City in the semi final, the University first XI were confident of becoming the first student team to win the National Cup. With a spot in the 2007 European Cup Winners Cup at stake, Cardiff

began in nervous fashion. Wrexham took an early lead and dominated the match for the first twenty minutes.

Wrexham were unable to capitalise further, mainly thanks to Dai McGahon’s heroic defending and some fine saves from ‘keeper Ian Ferguson. Despite not creating any real scoring opportunities, Cardiff found themselves on level terms on the half-hour mark.

A mistake by the Wrexham defender was pounced upon by Paul Hayes who scored his 41st goal of the season.

Continued on Page 33

Back Row: Mark Hopkins (coach), Dai McGahon, Tom Nicholas, Kieran Zeale, Gavin Vollmer, Simon King, Martyn White, Tony Gough, Ed Doyne-Ditmas Front Row: Tom Moore, Ian Ferguson, Nick Gough, Duncan Courtney (captain), Chris Rhodes, Henry Cole, Paul Hayes, Gareth Owen GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ! REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ! GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ! THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ! THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY !"COLONEL SANDERS RUINED MY BEDSHEETS !"ORDINARY BOYS KICK BIG PILE OF GAIR RHYDDS OVER !"POSSIBLY BECAUSE WE SAID THEIR’S WAS THE ‘WORST TOASTING SINCE RAMON’S’ !"PORTEOUS - UNLOVED, UNTHANKED AND UNKEMPT !"GET OFF OUR BALCONY YOU MOCKNEY FAUX-SKA CUNTS !"NO, THIS IS NOT A DRESSING ROOM !"THE LAST TIME WE HAD BOUNCERS ON THE DOOR WAS WHEN... !"BERLINER’S COMING OXFORD - WATCH YOUR SCARVES !" BOYS WILL BE CUNTS !