gair rhydd
FREE
GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR
ISSUE 814 MAY 15 2006
CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972
“WORSE THAN MANSLAUGHTER, SEXUAL ABUSE, ASSAULT OR OWNING CHILD PORN...” ...AND MOST STUDENTS ARE GUILTY OF IT - SAM COARE, PAGE 7
As lecturers’ marking strike continues, University says:
WE’VE GOT A CUNNING PLAN! ...we’re just not telling you what it is yet
By Perri Lewis News Editor CARDIFF UNIVERSITY are assuring students that the lecturers’ assessment boycott will not affect summer exams, but refuse to say how they will ensure that final years graduate in July. They claim to be preparing a contingency plan to deal with the
situation, but were not able to provide gair rhydd with details of their preparations. A spokesman for the University said: “The vast majority of examination papers for forthcoming exams have been set. “We are considering all the possible contingencies to facilitate the progression of students, however there is nothing further to add at this time.”
Although the University have provided no indication about how graduation 2006 can take place if lecturers refuse to mark papers, a number of options are available to them. They could pay external markers to grade papers: however, although this appears to be a viable suggestion, one Cardiff lecturer condemns this as an alternative.
“I am quite confident that it would be unsound for people to grade assessed work who have not been part of the teaching and/or module preparation,” she said. “In other words, the grader must be aware of the module objectives and have a sense of what the module leader was trying to achieve both in terms of teaching the module and in terms of what knowledge and skills the stu-
dents should be demonstrating. “It is difficult to imagine, at least in our centre, how anyone outside our centre could be in a position to grade the work. “Marks would likely be inconsistent and they would likely be either too high or too low as compared to what the students would have been given.
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News
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At
a glance May 15 2006 News Editorial & Opinion Letters Mickelodeon Politics Health Grab! Media Science/Environment Jobs & Money Dear Amber Television Five Min Fun/Scopes Listings Sport
1 6 8 9 11 12 13 14 15 17 18 19 27 29 30
EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Perri Lewis, Dan Ridler, Joanna Dingle, Katie Kennedy, Adam Millward POLITICS Andy Rennison EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, Georgina Easton, Edward Vanstone SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Jane LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor, Lisa Hocken TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval SCOPES Christina Lane FIVE MIN FUN The Cookie Monster HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou SUB-EDITORS Catherine Gee, Charlotte White, Holly Marshall, Chris White PROOF READERS Robert Knowles, Sophie Robinson, Rachel McWhinney, Wendy Woodhead, Kieran Harwood, Abi Wise, Corin Rogerson, CONTRIBUTORS Joanna Dingle, Caleb Woodridge, Helen Thompson, Huw Davis, Sam Coare, Mark Panton, Adrian Raudaschl, Aline Ungewiss, Rob Staruck, Nell Watkins, James Woodroof ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union
Meningitis strikes Cardiff again By Joanna Dingle Deputy News Editor A FIRST YEAR Cardiff University student living in Talybont has been admitted to hospital with confirmed meningococcal meningitis. She was described last week as ‘making very good progress’. The meningococcal bacteria lives in the nose and throat and is only passed on by prolonged intimate contact. The National Public Health Service has arranged for those who have been
in contact with her to receive antibiotics. Students are being urged to be vigilant for the signs and symptoms of meningitis. Early symptoms may be similar to those of ‘flu or hangover – feeling feverish, vomiting, severe headache, stiff neck or back and joint pains. If students develop any of the following symptoms: rash of tiny red bruises that doesn’t fade under pressure, severe dislike of light or disorientation, then they should seek medical attention immediately.
For more information visit the Cardiff University Health Centre at 47 Park Place (next to the Union), or call 02920 874810.
THE SWANSEA CONNECTION
STUDENTS WHO have had the time of their lives at Cardiff this year are being offered the chance to share their experiences with the Freshers of the 2006/07 academic intake. A new student led scheme, entitled Fresher Reps, is recruiting members to ‘ensure new students feel welcome’ when they get to Cardiff next year. With a presence at both the Societies Fair and throughout the Union itself, the main work of the Fresher Reps will be to introduce new students to the city and ensure they realise how ‘fun and diverse student life is’. With free entry to the Union’s club nights being offered as an incentive, there is sure to be stiff competition for places on the 2006 Freshers Rep team. If you are interested in getting involved, there is an information meeting on Thursday 25 May at 3pm in the Students’ Union third floor TV lounge.
Let It Be
SWANSEA UNIVERSITY: Ramzi Yousef (Inset)
By Joanna Dingle Deputy News Editor RECENTLY CONVICTED September 11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui is set to spend the rest of his days in the same maximum security prison as an ex-Swansea student. Ramzi Yousef is serving life at the ‘Supermax’ prison for a failed attempt to blow up the World Trade Centre in 1993 by driving explosives into the
underground car park. A member of Al-Qaida, Yousef was the 456 person to be added to the United States’ Ten Most Wanted Fugitives list. Yousef graduated from West Glamorgan Institute, Swansea in 1989 with a degree in Engineering. According to the CIA, when he was finally arrested in Pakistan in 1995, they uncovered a technical book about electrical engineering taken from Swansea University, as well as papers
documenting plans to blow up American aircraft. The former Swansea student claimed he gave up drinking in the student bars after he met members of a local branch of the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood. It has been suggested that perhaps Yousef stole the identity of a student from the West Glamorgan Institute, but the discovered library book supports the idea that the international terrorist did in fact study in Wales.
THE STUDENTS’ UNION is poised to make an entry into the world of student letting next academic year, with the launch of Cardiff Student Letting on the ground floor of the Union building. The service, billed as the solution to the heartache often suffered by Cardiff Students at the hands of private letting agencies, will be run on the basis of providing an outstanding service, rather than an outstanding profit. With no agency fees and their own strict housing standards criteria whihc must be met, the service looks set to be the answer to many a student’s prayers. Although the scheme will not be opperational until August, any students interested in renting a house through Cardiff Student Letting are being asked to keep their eyes peeled for further information. Landlords interested in letting their property through Cardiff Student Letting should contact Vanessa Thomas on 02920 781 507.
LOCAL FOCUS A soapbox for the views of Cardiff residents How long has Café 37 been open? Five months What are your busiest times? Between about 11.30am and 3pm all week.
Name: Mo Location: Cafe 37 Title: Owner PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH
DEADLY: The virus
Freshers Reps
What do you think of the students that come in to the café? Any trouble?
They seem to love it here! We haven’t had any difficulties, they are all really nice – good people. What do you sell most of, and what are your best deals? Paninis, Baguettes and the Café 37 breakfast. The breakfast is £4.75, includes tea or coffee and is massive! Very big! It’s a real breakfast challenge. What percentage of your cus-
tomers are students? About 90 per cent. Do you have a message for the students of Cardiff? Study hard and good luck for exams! Interview by Joanna Dingle
News
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Metro mag By Joe Dingle Deputy News Editor A NEW magazine for ‘metrosexual’ men is soon to be launched in Wales. Tidy magazine will become one of only two magazine targeted specifically at Welsh men. Charles Williams, former head of magazines at Western Mail and Echo said: “The metrosexuality thing has revolutionised things. “A generation ago, Wales was a very macho society. The role of men has had a huge rethink in the last 15 years since coal and mining was decimated”. Kris Agland from Tidy, said: “It’s not just the gay community that takes pride in their appearance. “Men are more worried about getting the right image and street cred.” However, Cardiff’s student community may need some convincing. Second year student James Dougall said: “It’s not really my kind of thing.”
Summer snow
G. I. JOE UNDER FIRE By Caroline Farwell News Editor “CARDIFF UNIVERSITY do not want UWIC students”, claim students at the University of Wales Institute, Cardiff. UWIC students have attacked the newly elected President of Cardiff University Students’ Union, Joe Al-Khayat, over comments he made during his election campaign earlier this year. According to UWIC’s monthly student newspaper, The Retro, AlKhayat was ‘short-sighted and illeducated’ for ‘prioritising’ Cardiff University students in the sale of tickets for Come Play, the Saturday night event at the Students’ Union. The newspaper said that AlKhayat committed ‘a patronising attack on the academic status of the other Higher Education bodies’ while speaking at a hustings event at Cardiff University Student’s Union. The Retro accused him of ‘UWIC student bashing’ in his
speech in which he said: “If we wanted to socialise with the likes of UWIC and Glamorgan students we would not have tried so hard in our A-levels.” Al-Khayat has responded to the attack, saying: “Many people found it funny, but of course there were some who were also offended. “With the benefit of hindsight perhaps it was the wrong way to bring attention to my policy, regardless of the fact it was intended as light-hearted fun. I will take this opportunity to apologise for any offence caused. “This policy is not about UWIC or Glamorgan or any other university, it’s simply about giving Cardiff University students priority in our own Union on Saturday nights. “Any student from any university is always welcome, it’s not about starting some ridiculous campaign against UWIC, or whoever else for that matter, and I just want to clear that up.”
Union President
Joe Al-Khayat THE NEW President of Cardiff University Students’ Union has finally been announced – eight weeks after the voting polls closed. Joe Al-Khayat, otherwise known as ‘G. I. Joe’, won with 1718 votes, leaving runner-up Gem Long with 1468 votes in the final count. Joe said: “I’m delighted. The first thing I did was ring the people who had worked so tirelessly
for me during the campaigning, particularly my drummer! I also emailed the other candidates because it’s important for me to acknowledge and respect the hard work that they too had put in. “Obviously, I am not able to fully celebrate yet because I have so much work I need to be getting on with. But after the exams are over I’m sure I will have a drink or two!”
By Caleb Woodridge Reporter SNOW PATROL are set to appear in Cardiff as they headline a festival on the August Bank Holiday weekend. The band, who recently shot to number one in the album chart with Eyes Open, will be joined by artists including Badly Drawn Boy, Lilly Allen, De La Soul, Echo & the Bunnymen. ‘Get Loaded in the Park’ will by hosted by Pritchard from Dirty Sanchez, and there will also be sets from Josh Wink, James Lavelle, Justin Robertson, Jon Carter, Lethal Bizzle, and An Audience With Howard Marks. More than 27,000 people are expected to attend the event which takes place on August 26 and 27 from 12pm until 11pm at Coopers Field in Bute Park.
gair rhydd asked to pay Danish journalists for printing cartoons
By Will Dean Deputy Editor A UNION representing Danish journalists and cartoonists has sent out invoices to all publications that reprinted any of the infamous Allah cartoons in February. The Danish Union of Journalists (DJF) has contacted a number of newspapers, including gair rhydd, asking for a payment of 250 euros for reprinting the cartoons without the artists’ permissions. The cartoons, originally printed in Denmark’s JllyandsPosten, were reprinted around the world when they proved the spark for religious outrage across Europe and the Middle-East. However the union has waited
until after the controversy, which saw thousands of copies of your favourite student paper shredded, to charge editors for the use of their cartoons. Rather than pay for bodyguards or new graphic markers, the letter from DJF chairman Mogens Blicher Bjerregård said that royalties will be paid into “an international prize for cartoonists and projects with focus on important social questions – including freedom of speech”. Obviously. gair rhydd editor Tom Wellingham said: “It’s feels a bit like salt in the wound after the well-documented problems the cartoons brought to our office. “If anyone wants to help us out in paying, feel free to bung a tenner to the usual address.”
PHOTOS: Adam Gasson
news@gairrhydd.com
News
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‘Gratuitously offensive’ By Helen Thompson Reporter JERRY SPRINGER The Opera has outraged the Archbishop of Wales, who has called for it to be removed from the stage. Archbishop Dr Barry Morgan is the latest figure to add his voice to the protests against the show, which has been the focus of attacks by Christian groups claiming that it is blasphemous. ringer p S The Assembly Culture g layin Minister, Alun Pugh, has admitted to SAL: P R E V O CONTR receiving many letters criticising the decision to stage the award-winning
show, which is due to begin its 6-day run at the Wales Millennium Centre on 12th June. The main objections are to a nappy-wearing Jesus saying he is 'a little bit gay', reference to Mary being 'raped by God', and the use of over 300 swear words. The Archbishop wrote to the trustees of the Wales Millennium Centre to voice his opinions. He said: 'I think we've crossed a line here, because what they say about Jesus in this opera is likely to cause scandal and they'd never get away with saying the same things about the prophet Muhammed.' Although Morgan labelled the show 'gratuitously offensive', Alun Pugh has refused to interfere with the 'artistic decision' of the Assemblyfunded centre.
The BBC received a record 63,000 complaints after the television broadcast of the Opera, and the Western Mail has received letters condemning the show since the intention to stage it in Cardiff was announced. The Wales Millennium Centre has defended its decision with the belief that art should challenge its audiences, but has allowed for the distribution of Christian literature in the foyer during the show. The National Secular Society has also stood up against the Archbishop's views, saying that his comments are 'deeply misguided'. The society's Vice President, Terry Sanderson, said: “Calling for censorship of a theatrical performance on the grounds it is 'blasphemous' is repressive and dangerous.”
STAGING THE SHOW: The Wales Millennium Centre
Story continued from Front “Students might be happy to think they would get higher marks with outside graders, but they might just as likely get lower marks. “I think most students would like to be assessed by the person who taught them. “It's the only way they can have faith in the evaluation they are given.” Another option available to the University is to award degree classifications based on students’ grades from previous semesters. While high-achieving students may be satisfied with this idea, those who are working hard this term to improve their final grade have expressed concern. One Cardiff student said: “I’m on the borderline between a first and a 2:1 at the moment, so I’ve been doing a lot of extra work this term to try and bump up my average. “If I get a degree based just on last term and last year’s grades I won’t be able to get a first. “I’ve sacrificed nights out and a lot of fun to stay in and do work this term and think this idea would be very unfair. Chris Woodward, Education correspondent for The Sunday Times, also has reservations about using students’ previous marks to award degree classifications, describing it as ‘far from ideal’. Although the lecturers’ assessment boycott in still ongoing, students are being advised by the University to “continue with their normal preparations for the examinations they are expecting to take and to adhere to the submission dates for other assessments they may be required to produce”.
Just £10 compensation for 7/7 survivor By Joanna Dingle Deputy News Editor A VICTIM OF the July 7 London bombings has received £10 compensation 10 months after the tragedy. Professor John Tulloch, a sociology lecturer at Brunel University was sat opposite Mohammed Sidique Khan, one of the suicide bombers, when the device exploded at Edgware Road station. National newspapers have repeatedly used a photograph of the shocked and blood-soaked professor, taken in the aftermath of the blast, as an iconic reminder of the tragedy. He was lucky to escape with only minor injuries after his briefcase, positioned between himself and the bomb, protected him from the worst of the explosion. However, today the 63-year-old still suffers from loss of hearing, loss of confidence and vertigo. He said: “I still haven't come to terms with travelling on tubes… it’s a sweat-making experience”. Tulloch, who lives in Penarth, has criticised the Government for taking so long in paying compensation to him and hundreds of other victims and their families, saying, “they certainly
VICTIM: Tulloch on the day of the bombings are taking a long time over it. “I have only received £10 to “cover the cost of the photos of my remaining scars that that Government asked for.” The Criminal Injuries
Compensation Authority (CICA), who is handling the claims on behalf of the government, has faced repeated criticism for the delay in paying compensation to the victims.
STRIKE LATEST TALKS AIMED at resolving the ongoing lecturers’ industrial action once again reached a stalemate at the end of last week, as academic unions branded a pay offer from their employers’ representatives as: ‘not a serious attempt to settle the pay dispute’. The head of Higher Education at Natfhe, Roger Kline, said that the offer: “seriously misjudged the mood of academic staff” and went on to say it was “astonishing” that the employers association’s so-called ‘final’ offer fell so far short of the pay claims made by union members. Last week also saw the annual AUT conference take place in Scarborough, attended by a delegation from the NUS, including President Kat Fletcher, to make a special appeal to AUT members to: “at least set exams”. The National Union remains committed to supporting lecturers’ demands, although it does not support the decision not to set exams. Fletcher later said: “We are bitterly disappointed that talks have failed again, and are seriously concerned about the lack of progress”. The ongoing industrial action looks set to begin having a real effect on the imminent summer examination period, even though officials here in Cardiff maintain it is business as usual in the classroom and the exam hall.
Editorial & Opinion
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opinion@gairrhydd.com
gair rhydd
FREE WORD Assessment pending THE NEWS that the University intends to weather the storm of ongoing industrial action, currently being pursued by some of their lecturing staff, with little discomfort, should be welcomed by all students getting ready to sit exams in the next few weeks. The powers that be expect the University to emerge from the forthcoming examination period relatively unscathed, with ‘the vast majority of scripts’ currently set and ‘only small number’ of staff taking part in the action short of a strike. However, with both sides still holding firm over their respective demands and offers, and with correspondingly little progress at the negotiating table, the crunch period feared by many, if it exists at all, will be just around the corner. Taking the decision to obstruct assessments as a method of protest has had relatively little impact over the past six weeks, as assessments have been few and far between. Only now, with large-scale examinations rapidly approaching will we begin to see the true extent of the impact their chosen form of protest will have. As students, our faith that exams scripts have been set and will be marked in time for graduation, must be placed entirely in the hands of the University, as they are the ones with many years experience running the complex annual examination process. Let us all hope then that they have done their sums and are sure of their positions. It would be a shame for one side in an increasingly bitter dispute to mix fact with fiction in order to distort their true position, especially when the outcome would affect so many students.
The new Dr Blue?
Huw Davis tells us why he thinks David Cameron should get the good Doctor on board with the Tories
I
f the bigwigs at the head of the Conservative Party really are concerned about a lack of wellknown faces supporting their cause, they should look no further than BBC1 at 7pm on a Saturday. Deliberately or not, the BBC has invented a Tory spokesperson for the masses, and his name is Dr Who. I am not an avid Dr Who viewer, and so I won’t pretend to be very wellup on the subject. But from watching a few episodes of the new seasons, I will say this - he doesn’t like change. In fact, he hates it. Every week the terrifying silhouette of progress looms large, and every week he defeats it so The Good Folks Of London Town can go on living their lives of unemployment, inflation and overpopulation.
But back to Dr Who; aside from his ideological views, the programme has other parallels with Toryism. Just look at the regenerations – or elections as they’re also known. In recent years, the Conservative Party and BBC have wanted to present a more youthful, attractive image, and so elected and cast the two Davids: Cameron and Tennant respectively. Not sold yet? For Chris Ecclestone, read William Hague – uninteresting; dependable; balding. Rose? She’s the Doctor’s bit on the side, resembling Tory sleaze. And there’s an obvious link between Tom Baker and Margaret Thatcher. Insanity.
I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised about a Time Lord being a Tory
Admittedly, a killing spree is not the most ethical solution to unemployment Admittedly, a killing spree is not the most ethical solution to unemployment, and for this Dr Who villains and the British National Party should be criticised. But it seems the good Doctor is often keen to stop an invasion from baddies with, well, pretty good ideas. Already this season he has prevented the Krillitanes from making the universe a better place, and educating our children at the same time through a strong sense of discipline and healthy school dinners. In fact, Anthony Head called his character, the
CAMERON: Christ help us leader of the Krillitanes, “a bit New Labour”, explaining the Doctor’s natural opposition. He also thwarted a group of doctors intent on curing every known disease, presumably by privatising the NHS. I’m just waiting for the BBC to show the controversial episode where Dr Who stops the Daleks from introducing compulsory ID cards. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised about a Time Lord being a Tory: they never quite seem to be in the right cen-
tury. Their new buzzword may be ‘change’, but then no party hoping to form government would want the slogan ‘conserve’. Like every buzzword and flashy soundbite, it’s a lie.
The BBC has invented a Tory spokesperson for the masses... Dr Who
Each political party may be given five minutes at a time to advertise itself before a General Election, but the Tories have 45 minutes on primetime every Saturday. It’s time for equality – give Tony Blair a programme of his own called Dr Why (Are You Still Here?), and Ming Campbell a graveyard slot with his own show, Dr…Who? It’s only fair. In other news, it was good to see Anthony Blair criticise Dave ‘The Chameleon’ Cameron for trying to be popular by shortening his name. And Cameron just telling people what they want to hear? Maybe Prime Minister Pot has a point about the Rt Hon Mr Kettle…
Letting it right NEXT SEMESTER will see the official opening of the new Student Union business venture, Cardiff Student Letting. Landlord problems are, more often than not, the bain of student life here in Cardiff. Hands up anyone who’s never uttered a bad word against one of the private letting firms? With this action, the Union is clearly seeking to re-dress the crucial balance between making money and providing a top quality, essential, service to students. This will set them well apart from the majority of existing agents, who focus on making a fast buck out of the student market, and is a bold move. Time will tell whether Cardiff Student Letting will be as successful as agencies already opperating in Cardiff. One things is for sure though, we at the gair rhydd will certainly be keeping a close eye on the Unions own agency to ensure they deliver on their promises to students. FLAG: Essential for music piracy
May 15 2006
Editorial & Opinion
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opinion@gairrhydd.com
Just like the Rolling Stone As one of America’s greatest pop-cultural icons celebrates its 1000th issue, Will Dean argues that it’s well past its peak - but something that America still needs
I
t’s one of the hoariest old clichés/proverbs: ‘a rolling stone gathers no moss’. The phrase spawned the moniker of two of the most successful cultural entities of the last century. Two entities that have undoubtedly gathered a fair bit of moss. One, wrinkly rockers the Rolling Stones, are still hobbling along despite being well past their best (and having a pharmaceutically-enhanced guitarist who, last week, fell out of a coconut tree and almost died). The other is Rolling Stone magazine. Also hobbling along despite being well past its best. Last week Jann Wenner’s organ celebrated its 1000th edition in fitting style. Publisher Wenner spent a reported $1m on a 3D Sgt Pepper-style montage featuring the great and good who have graced its cover (see right) including Dylan, Springsteen, Clinton, Jordan (Michael rather than Katie Price) and countless others like the Daily Show’s Jon Stewart, Joni Mitchell, Where’s Wally and South Park’s tangerine-coated, mortality-intimate Kenny.
the 90s and the Arctic Monkeys et al in the new century. Rolling Stone has always prided itself on being more than a music magazine, boasting the likes of the infamous, and now sadly departed, Hunter S Thompson, Greil Marcus and Cameron Crowe among its writing staff. But, with global distribution and a pronounced liberal bias (not necessarily a bad thing, but enough to put off right-leaning music fans) the magazine has lost weight as a serious music journal.
To be worthy of Rolling Stone’s attention is to be worthy of America and the world’s attention
Rolling Stone has always prided itself on being more than a music magazine It’s all fairly impressive and, ignoring the fact that the Vines featured on the magazine’s cover a few years ago, and Simon Cowell last month, to appear on the cover of the Rolling Stone, as Dr John once sang, is better than all kind of thrills and all kind of pills. To make it on the front cover of one
of America’s most prestigious journals is to have made it in the world of celebrity. It’s an instant calling card for A-list musicians, actors and even politicians. To be worthy of Rolling Stone’s attention is to be worthy of that of America and the world’s atten-
tion – the zenith of most recording artists’ careers. But it’s not quite on the ball is it? The magazine that defined the babyboomer generation in America is still aimed at the same baby-boomer generation that transformed America.
Britain’s NME, despite its faults, at least morphs through the generations making it a publication that can be associated equally with the height of British rock’n’roll in the sixties, punk in the seventies, the bedsit poetry of the Smiths and the eighties, Britpop in
Older artists get considerably more coverage, U2 are on the cover every other month and there is a distinct lack of writers of the stature of Marcus or Tom Wolfe. The magazine which once chronicled America’s youth is stuck firmly on the white line in the middle of the road. As its audience gets more stale so will the magazine, and in this century’s multi-multi-media age it’s to be the turn of young upstarts like the Source (US hip-hop bible) or online magazines like Pitchfork Media or MySpace to act as America’s cultural lens. Hopefully it’ll cling on for a while yet though. And a thousand issues isn’t a bad knock at all. With the dominance of right-wing talk radio and Fox News liberal America needs as many voices as it can muster, even if they are comedy shows and music rags.
The punishment of pirates By Sam Coare
I
t’s been a pretty average 24 hours in my life. Fumbling around for enough words – any words - to fill up the word count on my final essays, eating some fried filth because my girlfriend isn’t around to cook for me and washing it down with a bottle of wine bought out of the loose change kicking around my desk, before eventually going to bed drunk, and waking up with a hangover; all the while committing an offence deemed worse than manslaughter, sexual abuse, assault or downloading child pornography. Such a lengthy spell behind bars could be the result of proposed revisions made to the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA). Originally
introduced in 1998, the act sought to protect copyrighted information, documents and files from the big bad internet pirate. Its recently proposed revisions could see the wire-tapping of suspected offenders, with punishment for “non-commercial distribution of copyrighted material” rising to a maximum ten-year sentence (20 for repeat
Google searches and mouse clicks have set me up as a criminal offenders) if caught. As a result, leaving my computer on overnight hasn’t just hindered my sleep. Fuelled by increased frustra-
tions at the continued absence of the latest Pearl Jam album in the music desk pigeon hole, a few choice Google searches and mouse clicks have set me up as a criminal, engaging in the act of illegally sharing copyrighted material. File-sharing software, such as Kazaa and Napster’s previous guise, along with most torrent services, utilise a network of shared folders that can be sourced by anyone signed up to the service. As a result, either partly or completely sharing copy-protected material is deemed as breaking the law. The new DMCA revisions would further see any technology used to override copy-protection on CDs, be it for legitimate backing up of purchased material or not, as a punishable offence. Widely criticised by academics, musicians and cyber-geeks as startlingly heavy-handed, the act does
have its support, most notably from the Recording Industry Association of America, whose own neo-Nazi-like control of consumption has so far seen them attempt to sue anyone from 13year-old children, families without computers and even the odd deceased person.
Criticised as startlingly heavy-handed, the act does have its support It seems, therefore, that going to bed was my first mistake. Had I waited to take a stroll down to my nearest HMV, I could had saved myself a lot of time and hassle, whilst making my day endlessly more entertaining. The
irony of the act hasn’t been lost on most web-savvy commentators; I could simply physically steal the music I wish to acquire from my local retailer, and land a paltry eight months in jail in the process. Alternatively, I could assault the shopkeeper, or even my arresting police officer, if that so took my fancy, and land another five to six years. The money I saved on my ‘purchase’ could then be used in a vain attempt at bribing the policeman into letting me go, adding another 10 months. But even then, I’d be a good two years shy of the penalty I could face by sitting in front of my computer screen, downloading the Aladdin soundtrack. “A whole new world/A thrilling chase/A wonderous place”. Quite. YOUR VIEWS: email Ed-Op at opinion@gairrhydd.com
Letters
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May 15 2006
letters@gairrhydd.com
gair rhydd letters page THE SUN is shining and the ice-cream vans are sitting outside the Union. Don’t you just love summer? Unfortunately, there is one bad thing about summer. Exams and essays. I wish I could pick up a frisbee or a football and chill out all day. Oh well, that’s life. If you are revising, follow these instructions. 1. Stop working, sit outside and curl up with your gair rhydd. 2. Turn to letters page. 3. Read letters page and relax you mind for fifteen minutes. 4. Admire your tan. 5. Watch telly. There you go, sorted. Menon.
Gutter rhydd
I FEEL THE NEED to respond to your editor’s response to my last letter, published in last week’s letters page. I am not disputing the fact that gair rhydd should report the news, but the reports should try and limit themselves to the facts at hand and offer unbiased views. Encouraging students to harass the Vice-Chancellor and printing frontpage stories with ‘Enough is Enough’ is not unbiased journalism, but gutter press reporting worthy of Daily Mail and Sun writers. I did suggest that the Students’ Union had voiced support for the industrial action, which you confirm occurred on April 24. I am aware that the Union only supported the one-day walkout. However, my point is quite simple: if you’re going to support industrial action of one kind that doesn’t really inconvenience your members (I’ve yet to talk to a student who was bothered by missing a day of lectures) then you can hardly complain when the industrial action is furthered to methods which do inconvenience students, as how it is with the present situation. It was either all or nothing, support whatever action the lecturing staff wanted to take or condemn any action at all. Your choice was poorly made, now you must accept the consequences. My lecturers have worked bloody hard for me over the last four years and I’m sure that will continue over the next three. I expect them to be well paid to provide the excellent service that they do. I came to a Russell Group University as I knew they had the best research staff and I don’t think it’s
unfair that quality lecturers get paid poorly, especially since they’ve had to spend seven years plus as students themselves in order to get where they are and begin earning. If I wanted piss-poor lecturers who knew diddly squat I’d have gone to UWIC, or done a media studies (OuchEd) course, but I didn’t and know I must live with the consequences. So must the rest of you. Regards Mark, Post-grad history.
Silly Willy DEAR WILL DEAN, I was under the impression that the ability to read was a basic requirement of a deputy editor. So I am a bit concerned that you don’t appear to have read my letter. I was definitely not trying to resurrect the already tired and lengthy supermarket debate, quite the opposite. I am suggesting that maybe people don’t feel as strongly as they claim about the things that a few people have decided are important, but don’t admit it at risk of being branded ‘narrow minded’. Anyone can write ‘Tesco bad’ into Google, then quote some statistics and feel morally superior but I don’t feel this is a measure of how much they ‘care’ about the world. Therefore it is very fitting that you chose to focus on my few flippant comments about fashionable issues instead of my actual point, which is that not spending your weekends picketing Tesco or freeing lab rats doesn’t mean you don’t care about anything. Sadly the things that some people care about don’t have a corresponding wristband. Assessing someone’s value as a
Text: 07791165837 I’m off for a sprinkle you onion. Feef beek keef mischief. YAY! We’ve just booked our summer break in newquay! Anyone know if the house 10 hunks are going? Sign the petition for a Neighbours omnibus at www.lonegunman.co.uk. Join the mission! If you’ve got a problem grow some balls and say it 2 our faces. Love the sexy elephants x. PS:
smile, you’re at Uni. Llandough street sun gods make me horney. Now we’ve dissected the biscuits, it’s back to work! Has anyone else noticed a lot of seagul noises coming from Richmond Rd? Neil fucked up my pig, the bacon monster. Gav pulled someone he couldn’t get his arms around.
letter of the week Don’t Burger Off I AM GLAD there is a new burger bar in Solus. Don’t get me wrong. Unfortunately, there is one slight problem. The Solus burger bar closes at 2am. I am not sure if the situation has recently changed, as I haven’t been to Solus for a couple of weeks. If the burger bar still closes at 2am, why isn’t it open for longer? After all, people are more likely to buy a burger after clubbing when
they are completely plastered. If the burger bar increases its opening hours, the business will be more profitable and everyone will be happy. What’s the problem? I am aware that Union bosses do not want overcrowding within Solus after 2am. However, why don’t they allow students to purchase their burgers, before asking them to leave Solus directly afterwards. This would prevent overcrowding. Furthermore, I am not suggesting that the burger bar should be open till
human being based on superficial measures like this, or their prepared opinion on the top 5 accepted topics of debate is dangerous and misleading.
space in the city centre for the Big Issue sellers, who genuinely need the money. My advice: steal their clipboards and run away.
Meg
Yours running-awayingly, Embittered Third Year
Chug on this CARDIFF CITY centre isn’t very large. There’s only so much space to hand over to Big Issue sellers, cheap market stalls and stunning buskers. So let’s chuck out the proverbial, uh, scum. ‘Chuggers’, as some folk refer to them as (I’m not giving them the dignity of their own place in my mental dictionary) are distilled evil. ‘What’s £1.50 a week?’ they’ll yell at you from across Queen Street. What’s £1.50 a week? I’ll tell you, sonny Jim. That £1.50 a week is mine. Get your dirty, mental hands off them and go and wash your hair, you filthy pikey. Don’t be fooled by the fact they work for charity. Unlike people collecting money on the street, clipboard folk are paid rather a pretty penny. You’re better off giving the money to a charity instead. If you give money to people on the street then you run the risk of them using it on drugs or drink. You could kill them with kindness (actually, that’s not such a bad idea…) So, ignore the heathens. They’re just taking up valuable compassion
Mo’ Toons CONTRARY TO THE report in gair rhydd, the Church of Wales magazine Y Llan did not reprint one of the Danish caricatures of Muhammad. Rather, it reprinted an illustration originally published in the French magazine France Soir – a perfectly innocent drawing of Buddhist, Jewish, Islamic and Christian religious figures all sitting on a cloud, the latter stating: “Don’t complain, Muhammad, we’ve all been caricatured here.” Correct facts please guys. Yours,Pierre Runek Third-year theology
Taf Odd AS A WELSH speaker, I was delighted to find a Welsh language page in your paper when I arrived in September. I have since been an avid reader all year. I would like to take this opportunity to praise those who work on Taf Od,
4am. But it would be nice if the opening hours could be increased slightly to 3am or even 2.30am. Unfortunately, illegal burger vans can still make profit from hungry students, leaving Solus at 2am. Although progress has been made to prevent the success of these rogue burger vans, they still have the opportunity to rip off and risk the lives of unsuspecting students. Cathy Dennis, second year
for writing interesting and informative articles, as well as reminding everybody that this is a Welsh university and therefore it is important that nonwelshies are aware of our distinct culture and heritage. So imagine my dismay when I opened the paper for the last two weeks to find that the best section was missing. Is this a permanent decision? If so, I’m sure I can find enough people to sign a petition, in order to make it worth your while to reinstate the page. Many thanks, Angharad Davies
Please email letters to
letters@gairrhydd.com Want to get your point across to the Cardiff student population? Then you’re in the right place! Email us your letters on the above address. We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also feel free to note that the views expressed in these letters are not necessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.
Comment
May 15 2006
Page 9
mickelodeon@gairrhydd.com
MICKELODEON We re not great apes, we re just monkeys with iPods
Smug chuggers T
his Monday saw the start of a new lottery – doubtlessly a sign of an oncoming Sodom and Gomorrah-style ending to Britain in a gambling frenzy. But don’t worry, it’s all okay. The Monday Lottery gives more money to charity than the National Lottery does. Charity is an impressive figleaf that can be used to cover up a multitude of flaws. As long as you’re doing it for charity, you can pretty much do whatever you feel like with your money. The Monday Lottery, for example, has cherry-picked out the most consumer friendly charities. Amidst all the cancer funds and kids’ charities, you’re unlikely to find an asylumseeker. But still, all the other charities were willing to sign up to what amounts to a free-for-all without worrying too much about that. It’s just the latest move by charities becoming more corporate in their attitudes. In part, it’s inescapable: some of the biggest charities need to be so large to fund research. But that doesn’t excuse the corporate excess that now characterises much of the charity sector.
It’s impossible to have respect for the corporate behemoths that many charities have become The amounts that charities spend on promoting themselves, not to mention keeping their own headquarters in business, is astounding. In a wave of financial releases for charities in 2002, it was revealed that Amnesty spent over half of its money on publicity and admin, whilst the NSPCC’s ‘Full Stop’ advertising campaign cost £20m. A private company can spend its money on whatever it wants to. But charities have a responsibility to the people whose money they have taken. They have two choices: either spend the money responsibly, or give a realistic portrayal of how the money would be spent. But it seems doubtful that the next round of Cancer Research adverts will replace the sad, doe-eyed children with deskbound bureaucrats. It’s impossible to have respect for the corporate behemoths that many charities have become. Some of the creepier fundraising ads on telly are so cynically put together than you can feel the icy fingers of consumerism make their way out of the screen - just think of the overpolished works of the RSPCA and Cancer Research. Brrrrrr.
REVISION REVISION. ODDS are that you are reading this column because you’re desperately trying to avoid doing any. Heck, that’s why I’m writing it. But is revision all bad? Let’s weigh up the evidence:
BAD
■ Learning is dull. ■ You suddenly realise that the whole year’s lecture notes haven’t been put onto Blackboard. A little wee comes out. ■ It’s really sunny outside. You are not outside. ■ Having been stuck in your room revising all day, when you finally get to see your friends you have nothing to say to them. ■ On the same note, being cooped up all day makes the outside world very scary. All of a sudden, you suspect everyone of surreptitiously carrying knives. ■ Unlike lecture theatres, writing on the furniture in your house makes you lose your bond.
INTEREST: Charities’ driving force That little cancer girl has to be one of the most terrifying effigies of capitalism around today - and that’s not what charities should be there for. A cancer charity even had an idea a few years ago to make a bit of money with one of their corporate partners. Basically, punters would be able to lean over the counter and feel up the workers behind it. The name for this enterprising venture? ‘Titties for Pity’. Surprisingly the idea never made it into the realm of fundraising, but it was far from the only tale of fundraising absurdity to come out of one of the most well respected charities in Britain today. I used to do a lot of collecting myself. Nothing beat that smug feeling that I was raising money. I was one proud boy with a bucket. But few people ever stuck with it. You knew that the money you raised would, in all likelihood, be used on the charity’s machinery rather than its supposed aim as an organisation. It got to the point that people would only collect if there was some substantial personal gain, be it food (always the way to my heart) or even holidays. The charitable spirit that many people started with was beaten out of them by the way that money would be raised. There are plenty of local charities that don’t have the fundraising muscle of the big names, and they’re much more likely to be able to put your money to good use. If charities expect to keep having people’s support then they can’t condescend them at the same time.
Early Learning Centre
T
hings have finally come to a close in the Union’s elections. There has not been a longer event in the history of the world with the following exceptions: the Siege of Sarajevo, the Hundred Years War, and Steph’s pregnancy in Neighbours. So, for the last time, let’s talk elections. I promise, as my solemn vow, to never mention them again after this. Now the whole thing is behind us, we have a President who has vowed to kick UWIC students out of Come Play on a Saturday. As a policy, it’s fair enough. It is our university, so it’s fair to give Cardiff students priority. Saturday nights are always going to sell out here, so it also makes business sense. And considering GI Joe found his way into office, it was evidently a pretty expedient move politically. But as many people will remember out on the campaign trail, our new President anchored his speeches
on the cheap joke that if he wanted to go to UWIC, he wouldn’t have worked as hard in his A-levels. There’s obviously a pecking order in terms of universities and, let’s face it, we get the small pleasure of being a b o v e U W I C ( h e c k knows there are fewer unis we get to beat in the league tables every year). But is it really useful for the new representative of us all to take the piss out of people from another institution we may have to work with in future? I know it was all just done in jest, and I’m sure that UWIC students are hardly going to hear this and develop a complex about their university. But whilst it may be okay to start banning UWIC students from Come Play, there was never any need to stick the boot in and slag them off in the process.
AAAAAARGH: Aaaaaargh
GOOD
■ You can examine all the snack opportunities of your corner shop. ■ TEA! ■ You will not miss anything in Friends, Neighbours or Scrubs, as you will watch them all four times a day. Sometimes in succession. ■ Your senses will be so dulled that any moving colours or sounds will suddenly become amazing. Really. Even ITV1. ■ Parcels are one of God’s finest inventions. If any are delivered, you will be in the house to accept them. ■ Your room will never be tidier than when you have to revise. ■ You can text in The Hits’ new show; send your name and they’ll display facts about that person on telly. Mixed success so far: I’ve gotten ‘Fred West lived at 25 Cromwell Street. With his wife Rosemary he kidnapped young women, of whom they murdered 12 and hid their bodies at the house’ on screen, but ‘Timothy McVeigh’ just resulted in some facts about a man who runs a pub in Yorkshire. Think of your own mass murderers, and join the fun. ■ You might pass your exams.
Politics
May 15 2006
Page 11
politics@gairrhydd.com
Same New Labour By Andy Rennison Political Editor
By Mark Panton Political Correspondent
T
hat's life. That's what all the politicians say. It seems that Sinatra has been gracing the record players of several top ministers recently, as Labour struggle through this most recent crisis. Last week, Prescott bravely came out and did an interview - with his biographer - saying amidst a sea of philosophising that as far as his demotion is concerned, “that’s life”. Margaret Beckett, our new Foreign Secretary, has been thrown in at the deep-end with the situation over Iran. Speaking to reporters at the UN, all she could muster was, “that’s life.” And Charles Clarke, his ears flapping with shame in the breeze, went on the record to state his disappointment at being axed as Home Secretary by using the same two-word conclusion. Surely this orgy of shoulder-shrugging is no coincidence. Labour itself appears to be finally falling apart rather than just its policies, yet its members appear to be accepting the current shambles as just the way life is. It’s understandable that some MPs can no longer be bothered to issue well-scripted responses that last several days and never answer the original question. Having been out of power for so long, Labour has now had to spend not just one, but two and a half terms apologising for its ineptitude. That many shaky explanations would wear anyone down. Right now, you have to take a step back to view the vast number of problems currently facing our government. It was once the case that Blair and co would be fighting no more than one battle at a time, but nowadays there are wars on several fronts. Blair’s huge Cabinet reshuffle has been of no help at all. The forced
HIPPY TERROR D
on’t you just love animal rights activists; such dogooders, defending those without a voice, protecting animals from their evil tormentors. This is the image that many convey of such organisations as the Animal Liberation Front (ALF), but these particular protestors are no better than any other form of terrorism in the world today. It’s another great example of liberal fascism. These activists believe they are right, and that we must believe what they believe, no matter what the cost. Last week, the Campaign Against Huntingdon Life Sciences sent letters to 50 shareholders of pharmaceutical company GlaxoSmithKline. These letters threatened to
AXED: Safety elephant departure of Clarke from the Home Office was largely pointless. Sure, he screwed up royally with the undeported foreign criminals, but the freshlyappointed John Reid is not only no better qualified but also completely new to the job. If you’re on a plane and the pilot makes a real mess of the take-off, you don’t expect him to come up to you afterwards and say, “that was rubbish, you better land this thing.” Binning Patricia Hewitt wouldn’t have made healthcare any better either. But I see no difference between her incompetence and Clarke’s. And then there’s Prescott. Where’s the sense in punishing a Deputy PM by taking away many of the departments that take up his time, yet still leaving him second-in-line to the throne? Blair’s essentially allowed a horny fat man to become even lazier. The question is whether or not such half-witted chaos is indeed the estab-
lished daily rule in Westminster. Is the average politician and the public alike doomed to indifferently accept such endless incompetence? As boring and inevitable as it may be, Blair is at the root of the answer. Deep down, the reason why ministers are resigning themselves to fate, and why Britain is acclimatising to utter uselessness, is that no matter what goes drastically wrong the PM remains in Number 10. Blair must now go. Being ultimately responsible for everything needs to regain its implications. It’s been a rough ride for Tony, and perhaps he’s not the Satan-worshipping Thatcherite some say he is. But after nearly a decade, only his resignation will restore faith in accountable democracy, showing that the man at the top cannot just sail along, overseeing failure after failure, without somebody torpedoing his hull.
have erased the fact that Gandhi did his stuff peacefully. Staging a non-violent protest outside a factory or research centre is one thing, but to dig up and kidnap someone’s dead relative isn’t protesting, it’s sick. And it’s not as if it’s the heads of the organisations who are the victims. It’s workers who can do nothing to stop the tests that are carried out, and the shareholders who aren’t even directly involved with the work these companies undertake. Of course it’s unfortunate that animals are tested on for human benefit, but without such testing a lot of drugs currently on the market wouldn’t be available. Take me as a perfect example, I suffer from asthma, but ‘suffer’ is the wrong choice of word, as I don’t suffer thanks to the medication currently available to help me have a normal existence.
NO-GOODERS: A pair of bunnies can’t disguise a pair of terrorists publish their personal details on the internet if the shares were not sold. Thus implying that extremists will target them and their families with violence and abuse if the terms are not met. This is just the latest in a long line of deplorable actions by the extremists fighting for animal rights. Houses of workers have been vandalised with spraypaint and bricks thrown through windows; employee cars have also been completely wrecked. Letters have been sent to their houses, threatening that things will get worse. One poor family had to go through the ordeal of their late grandmother being dug up and her corpse kidnapped. All because of affiliations with animal testing.
Some extremists even want a 90% cull of the British population These people think they are still following the principles of Gandhi, doing whatever it takes. But all the mind-numbing vegan food must
I have the research from animal testing to thank for my breathable life. So what do animal rights activists think about me and my rights? Well, a few of them say I should just die. Bit harsh you might think, but at the moment some liberal militants believe that the current population of Britain is unfairly large. Ronnie Lee, founder of the ALF, has said: “To create a world that is fair to the other creatures on it we have to have some policy of reducing the human population”. And how far does he want to go with this? He wants to reduce the population of Britain down to 6 million, a cleansing of 90%. Yep, some animal rights extremists even want a cull of Britain’s people so that it is fair for the animals. So who do they want to remove? Presumably those who use the medication that is tested on animals, so basically asthmatics, diabetics, cancer suffers, polio victims, not to mention anyone that has ever taken paracetamol. These people are violating human rights for animal rights; they aren’t protestors but misguided hypocritical terrorists. It’s high time we all woke up to smell the tree-hugging hippy bullcrap that is polluting our air.
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mpaig n Healt h Ca e Week thr e , l coho l + a sm oking
Health
May 15 2006
health@gairrhydd.com
BODY BEAUTIFUL? Health’s resident advisor on all things male, Adrian Raudaschl, examines the increase in pressure on today’s man to feel good, smell good and look good
Bigorexia DO YOU THINK that women are the only victim of eating disorders? Think again. Although I’ll agree you’ll be hard pressed to find a bloke who suffers from bulimia, quite the opposite is happening to men. The year is 2005, and almost half of all male students report being dissatisfied with their bodies, a three-fold increase since the 1970s. What's causing this new concern among men? The standards for male beauty are changing - we are bombarded with imagery in movies and television that portray men as larger than life. A new male-vanity revolution is taking place and, ironically enough it’s not about impressing the brunette on the dance floor, but about impressing the men around her as well. Bigorexia is a mental disorder which is becoming increasingly problematic in university – where students view themselves through a distorted lens and become obsessed about what they perceive as their physical inadequacies. The distortion can lead to extreme attempts to enlarge muscles, with students sometimes turning to steroids and other dangerous bodybuilding drugs and continuing to pump iron through pain and injury. This is an under-diagnosed condition because, for men, being big is acceptable. It’s not surprising that bigorexia is a quickly growing disorder in gyms and health clubs given the hype about six-packs, impressive pecs and large lats. These groups of men who suffer from bigorexia do not start bodybuilding just because of a cosmetic reason. They suffer from depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder or anxiety. The bodybuilding is just one area where they act out their distress. To truly conquer these problems of anorexia and bigorexia, society really needs to change its approach to beauty.
BRAD: Yes By Adrian Raudaschl Health Correspondent WHAT DOES IT mean to be a man today? Not just any old man, but to be a ‘real’ man? Gone are the days of the beer bellied, larger swilling punter who could barely distinguish a comb from a toothbrush. If a study from Norwich Union Healthcare is to be believed then men are now as body-obsessed as women a third of blokes say they hate their stomach and a quarter has issues with their entire body. Men are taking more care of their appearance than ever before, with this trend is expected to become more the norm within the age of the ‘metrosexual’ or ‘post-metrosexual’ or whatever title is now deemed to be heterosexual enough without appearing too homosexual.
We are in the age of the ‘post-metrosexual’ or whatever title is now deemed to be
heterosexual
BIG: No thanks
We live in a society that aims for the ideals of physique. Women are no strangers to this, and now we are seeing men increasingly expected to stand up to bodies and appearances of celebrities like Gavin Henson, David Beckham and Brad Pitt. Depictions of the male body in cartoons, through action figures, and in the general media, all glorify images that emphasize physical appearance as a central criterion for assessing masculine worth. As one person put it to me yesterday, “there are few things in life
that now establish a bloke’s masculinity that women can’t do themselves, so the days of women beautifying themselves in hope of claiming a man are over”. Women now choose men on equal terms, and expect them to stand up to their physical and mental expectations. Muscles however are one of the few areas in which men can still clearly distinguish themselves from women or
feel more powerful that other men. But muscles are a tenuous foundation on which to base all of one's sense of masculinity and self-esteem. In the past, men could seek to define their masculine dominance and exclusivity through their role as breadwinners; however, women increasingly share this traditionally male role. This recent objectification of the male body has created a scenario in
which men who cannot achieve the ‘ideal’ are increasingly at risk for depression, self-imposed isolation, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy and alienation, eating disorders or drug use. The recent invasion of hyper-masculine bodies in popular culture poses an epidemic to masculine self-esteem, made all the more treacherous in that its victims are often pushed to suffer in silence. The silent aspect of this crisis should not be underestimated, for it is this element of the problem that most notably differentiates issues around male body image from those which plague women. Conveniently, this societal construct of masculine idealism enables men to fall prey to marketing ploys of advertisers, who seek to maintain the illusion that those who do not meet the idealized images they see in magazines or in film are inherently inferior, and need to buy whatever protein supplement or facemask necessary. The silent sufferer is often unaware that others feel as he does, or are experiencing what he is, and is thus more likely to construe the messages as yet another testament to his personal inadequacies. Awareness of the psychological and emotional aspects of this type of archetypal male image is important in dismantling a dysfunctional masculine self-concept. The freedom to acquire and cultivate a healthy emotional life mandates that community, openness, collaboration and self-respect should replace isolation, secrecy, competition and shame.
Free Stuff
May 15 2006
Page 13
competitions@gairrhydd.com
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! Hey guys and gals, apologies for the cramped nature of the page this week, but we just had so many competitions to fit in! So, start off your week off by spending your vouchers on a last-minutre revision guide, and then relax with a free book to get you in the mood for some summer love, then to rid yourself of all the slush and emotion check out some funky indie-rock with the Daniel Johnston documentary, and CDs and then freak yourself out with the new thriller of the summer movies, Hard Candy.
Swap-Shop REMEMBER THAT ‘must-buy’ textbook that you spent a whole night out’s worth of pennies on all the way back in September? Have you used it? I didn’t think so. It’s lucky that your friendly university bookshop has some great offers on at the moment then! With the Buy Back scheme you can sell back your old text books and get up to 40 per cent off the retail value in Blackwell’s vouchers or 33 per cent in cash! Blackwells have also have ‘50 books that shaped the world’ on sale at the moment, including 50 of the most important books of all time from the Qur’an and the Bible to 21st century classics such as George Orwell’s 1984 and JD Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye, providing essential summer reading for long hot days on the beach. You can win all 50 books if you pop in and pick up a promotional competition leaflet Blackwell’s also have other great deals on at the mo including the reward card, where you get a stamp everytime you spend £10 in the store on anything including books, CDs or stationary. The more stamps the more you can save. And don’t forget that Blackwell’s can order those hard-to-find text books for you and usually deliver them within 48 hours, much more reliable than hunting through those stackedhigh shelves in the library. Just ask in store or visit the website, www.blackwell.co.uk. We have teamed up with Blackwell’s uni-
Thrills and Spills
HARD CANDY is set to be the most controversial thriller to come out this year as it takes a look at the weird and sometimes wonderful people we meet on the internet. The movie follows Hayley, a mature 14-yearold girl who goes to the home of a charming For your chance to win £20 of vouchers just 32-year-old photographer she met on the email the usual address at the top of the Internet, (whom she suspects is a paepage. dophile) in attempt to expose him. Hayley's a smart, charming teenage girl -but even smart girls make mistakes. Even though Jeff’s a cute, smooth, high-end fashion photographer, Hayley shouldn’t be suggesting that the two of them go back to his house—alone. When they get there, Hayley quickly finds some vodka and starts mixing screwdrivers. She even suggests a photo shoot and strips off some clothing. Everything is going well for Jeff... until his vision blurs and fades, and he passes out. It turns out Hayley has spiked Jeff’s screwdriver, and when he revives, he's tied down with Hayley searching through his place. She doesn't think it’ll take too long to get a confession that she's not the first teenage girl Jeff's brought home and, more importantly, that her prisoner knows what happened to Donna Mauer, another girl who disappeared from Jeff's favourite coffee shop. And if he's unwilling to confess, well, she has another plan — she uses an icepack as a homemade anaesthetic... she starts shaving an incision versity bookshop to give you the chance to win £20 in vouchers which can be spent on anything in store, so even if books aren’t your ‘thing’ you can pick up a CD or that essential travel guide for your summer adventure.
site...she's learned a lot from the internet -including this little surgical procedure she's dying to try. Hard Candy isn’t released til Friday June 16, though with Times Movie Mania we have tickets for the preview which is going to be held on Tuesday May 23 at Cineworld. For a chance to win some of my preview tickets, email the usual address.
Devilishly good stuff Love is in the air SOME OF YOU READERS may think that some of the artists around at the moment are on the verge of insanity (personally I’m thinking of those damned Cheeky Girls here!) but here’s a case in point where madness and music can create some pretty neat stuff. Daniel Johnston is a manic-depressive genius singer/songwriter/artist, and all is revealed in The Devil and Daniel Johnston, a stunning new documentary film which was released on Friday May 5. Daniel Johnston is hardly a household name, but to those in the know the man is a legend of indie whose groupies included Kurt Cobain and Matt Groening of The Simpsons fame. The film is a portrait of madness, creativity and love and follows the musical and artistic genius who nearly slipped away. The result is a fascinating, must-see glimpse into the world of creative genius which won director Jeff Feuerzeig an award for best direction at Sundance. Feuerzeig exquisitely depicts a perfect example of brilliance and madness going hand in
IF RICHARD and Judy say it’s good then it’s got to be good! Nicole Krauss’s novel The History of Love made our second (Phil and Fern undoubtably first) favourite TV couple’s book club 2005 shortlist, and has been further acclaimed by journalists and reviewers around the world. The New Yorker’s novel follows Leo Gursky, a man who fell in love at the age of ten and has been in love ever since. To record his love to the young girl Alma Singer he wrote a book in honour of his love, spanning a period of sixty-years through Nazi-occupied Eastern Europe to present day Brighton Beach. Just answer: Now in the present day, he believes the WHO DECLARED DANIEL JOHNSTON THE book and his dreams are lost, until one day GREATEST LIVING SONGWRITER? they return to him in the form of a brown A: KURT COBAIN envelope. Now a retired locksmith in New B: JOEY RAMONE York, Leo is terrified that no-one will C: IAN BROWN notice when he dies. www.devilanddj.co.uk Fourteen-year-old Alma Singer vacillates between wanting to memorialize her dead father and finding a way to lift her mother’s veil of depression. At the same time, she’s trying to save her brother Bird, who is convinced he may be the Messiah, from becoming a 10-year-old pariah. As the connection between Leo and Alma is slowly unmasked, the desperation, along with the potential for salvation, of this unique pair is also revealed. The History of Love is a hauntingly beautiful and captivating story of the power of love, of loneliness and of survival. The way in which the two characters whose lives are woven together in such hand with subject Daniel Johnston. As an artist suffering from manic depression with delusions of grandeur, Daniel Johnston's wild fluctuations, numerous downward spirals, and periodic respites are exposed in this deeply moving documentary. To celebrate the release of the film, Tartan Films have given us the following prizes to give away: loads of copies of Daniel’s new album Lost and Found, The Devil and Daniel Johnston T-shirts, signed posters by the man himself, and a limited edition print of Daniel’s artwork.
complex ways leaves the reader wanting more even after the last page is turned. In the hands of a less gifted writer, unraveling this tangled web could easily give way to complete chaos. However, under Krauss’s watchful eye, these twists and turns only strengthen the impact of this enchanting book. To be ahead of the crowd and in the know before everyone’s talking about the up coming film, (Warner have already bought the rights), then how about winning one of two of my copies I have to give away. Just email the address at the top of the page and I’ll pop you in the draw to win.
LAST WEEK’S WINNERS: PAUL TERRY and ROB COOK beat me in the geek-stakes to win X-Men goody bags each, LAURA MEDLEY had a bit of a good week as she won both a Cineworld pass and a Dave Eggers book, though not to be outdone by ANNA DAVIES who won an Eggers book and a Vodka Red Square party pack!
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
Media
Page 14
May 15 2006
media@gairrhydd.com
American TV ‘made in Britain’ As British TV starts to become a major player in the international television market, Media investigates the growing number of UK made shows appearing on American TV
By Aline Ungewiss Media Correspondent
Commercial controversies
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nly a few years ago, US imports such as Desperate Housewives and Friends dominated British TV and proved major successes amongst the British audience. However, in the last year or so the tables have begun to turn as Britain becomes a key TV exporter. There has been a dramatic increase in programme sales from the UK into foreign countries such as the US. It shows that the British television industry is in a healthy state as the export figures have gone up by 21 per cent in a year. Indeed, some American broadcasters now rely on British TV for almost half of their top 12 programs. The ideas of British TV Shows such as Strictly Come Dancing have been taken over and adapted to shows such as Dancing with a Star, which have become very successful in the US. The increasingly positive ratings of these shows and the good audience responses have suggested that they can be a hit abroad as well as in the UK. A new kind of climate has emerged in the TV industry, producers have become more demanding as well as more creative in the usage of their rights, and new players who have emerged add more creative competition as well as diversity to the British TV industry. In the past a lot of money was wasted through not being put back into television investment and production as producers had the option of taking up all the rights to shows for nothing. At the moment, there is a great need
I
COWELL: Universally acknowledged for people in distribution as well as licensing with talents that match those of the producer. In order to make successful TV, a greater understanding of the international market has to be gained, as well as the ability to sell more aggressively. In this regard, British TV producers can learn a lot from their US counterparts who have a very competitive and therefore flourishing TV as well as cinema market. In order to be successful, the British TV industry has to learn to be as innovative as possible and create successful brands from hit series, another example from the US which should be followed. A large number of toys, fashion and other fan articles have appeared in the wake of American TV hits such as Friends and Buffy. These further boost
to be a c**t the popularity of the orginial series. Even in Britain, little plastic figures from movies such as Shrek or Star Wars can be found in our cereal boxes, successfully advertising the movie, especially with the younger generation. One area in which the UK export is very much behind is comedy and drama. More money is spent on import than on export of British comedy hits, and this may possibly be traced back to ‘British humour’ not translating so well abroad. However, hope is given by Ricky Gervais, who has shown that even the most ‘British’ comedy show can be adapted to American humour in order to entertain US audiences. In addition, a French version of The Office is soon to appear, testing the likeness of British and French humour.
n 2005, the Advertising Standards Authority received 26,236 complaints, representing a 16 per cent rise from 2004. Whether adverts are seeking to be unusual, controversial, humorous or all of them, they are undergoing greater complaints and scrutiny from the public. Ranging from mannequins being aroused by a Mazda to the infamous animated ‘crazy frog’, the complaints vary from adverts seen as being offensive, sexually degrading and obstructing children’s learning. With a record of 1,671 complaints, the KFC advert featuring working employees singing with their mouths full was thought by complainants to have an adverse effect on children. The ASA however did not uphold this complaint, arguing that children’s bad manners were not going to be learnt from one advert. Funnily enough though, out of the top ten adverts most complained about, the first five complaints were not upheld by the
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ASA. This has sparked debates amongst numerous people, criticising the ASA for not listening to the public. Others argue that there are just some people that will complain about anything. After all, if we are going to complain about an advert featuring people spitting and talking with their mouths full, we then should be complaining about the innumerable television programmes featuring sex, drugs and violence. Some of the contents and topics we are presenting on a daily basis are worse than, for example, a Pot Noodle commercial where a man attempts to hide a brass horn in his trousers. Many of the adverts complained about are at worst humorous and suggestive and, in comparison to television and films, some ‘light entertainment’. Even if these adverts have not succeeded in selling us their products, they have most certainly managed to capture our attention and gain some free publicity. Send us your views at: media@gairrhydd.com
First off the mark
hat do women read when they outgrow their gossip fixation and want a more intellectual read containing a greater range of topics? First hopes to provide the answer. A glossy, visual, colourful weekly magazine set to hit the stands on May 17. First features a balance of celebrity coverage, human interest stories and world news. This new women’s weekly set to target today’s modern women, will be launched for £12m by Emap. Emap is already the successful publishers of magazines such as Closer, Zoo and Grazia. It has a track record of launching new and ‘bold magazines’ and in the last four years alone, has launched five new magazines that have all proved to be highly successful. The aim for First is to deliver ‘picture-led news stories to thirtysomething mums’. The concept is one developed by Emap based on the feeling that there is a lack of female-friendly news formats. They felt that the many women, especially wives and mothers, who did not have time to follow news on a daily basis had no quick and attractive alternative form of obtaining news and other ‘female-friendly’ information. Broadsheets were seen as being too rigid and unfriendly, assuming stories were followed daily, whilst tabloids were deemed too ‘trashy’ with a predominant male
and sports orientation. Inspired by the successes of television shows such as GMTV or Richard and Judy, a format was developed to create a magazine adopting a news-like angle, as well as featuring fashion, celebrities, family life and further human interest stories, wildlife and global issues and a weekly weather report. The creators of this magazine want to work to ‘avoid sensationalism’ and present ‘irrefutable facts and telling stories from a human perspective, with warmth and emotion’. They are interested in making news and information more personable so as to trigger reactions and stir opinions. With an interesting concept and attractive visuals, the challenge remaining for Emap is to attract and persuade women to buy and read the magazine. Aware that some time will be needed to get familiar with First, it is nonetheless a challenge that they feel can be reached. Emap hopes in a year’s time to reach selling figures of between 150,000 and 200,000 copies a week. Emap has further stated that in the long-run, two or three years down the line, it feels that the magazine will grow to “significant volumes”. So is Emap being ambitious? Possibly to a certain extent. Is this bold move and hope of success unrealistic? Only time can answer that.
May 15 2006
Science & Environment
Page 15
science@gairrhydd.com
Damning China’s dam Nine months ahead of schedule and in the face of powerful criticism from the US, China is set to complete the biggest and most controversial engineering project of modern times By Ceri Morgan Science & Environment Editor
affected by the rising waters of the reservoir. Further concerns exist over the quality of build applied to the project. A major crack appeared in the dam during 2000, and various faults in the workmanship appear to have been covered up and kept under wraps by the chinese authorities. A major factor which has yet to be taken into consideration is the danger of a terrorist attack on the dam. Hundreds of thousands of people could be killed in under an hour, without enough warning to get out of the way of a flood.
C
onstruction on China’s Three Gorges dam will be finished by May 20th 2006, according to state media. The dam will not be fully operational however until 2009, when all the generators will have been installed. Once fully operational, it will be the biggest hydro-electric power project in the world. What you won’t find published in the Chinese state media, however, are details of the huge controversy over the costs and benefits of the project. Most concern surrounds the future of the 1.2 million people who will be displaced by the reservoir created by the dam, and the huge cultural loss of many significant archeological sites, which will disappear under the rising waters. Environmental organisations are also worried about the ecological implications of such a colossal project. Chinese campaigners say that as well as the permanent loss of natural habitats, the success of the dam effectively ends any hope of China choosing less destructive methods of energy production in the future. The most publicised point of contention between China and its many international critics is the huge cost of
A terrorist attack on the dam could kill hundreds of thousands of people within an hour THREE GORGES: Soon to be underneath a huge reservoir figure at over US$100billion. the venture. Of course the Chinese figure does Officials insist that the plan is well within the original US$22 billion not take into account reparations for budget, and soon will have effectively environmental damage, the large scale paid for itself through electricity gen- displacement of the population, and significant evidence of corruption and eration. However, outside the Chinese state bribery between the authorities and the system, unofficial estimates put the contractors working on the dam.
By the time the dam is fully operational in 2009, it should be supplying about 10% of the electricity needed to power China. However, the vast amount of hydroelectric power that is produced will benefit the east coast of China, an industrial area which will not be
This would be around the same figure as the number of people who have been displaced by building of the dam. Simulated computer models of the project also suggest that huge amounts of silt brought downstream by the rivers each year will silt up the dam until it no longer holds any water and no power can be produced. And one final piece of information the dam sits on a seismic fault.
Jobs & Money
May 15 2006
Page 17
jobs@gairrhydd.com
Entrepreneurial flair Jobs & Money talk to founder of Cardiff Entrepreneurs, Mark Gatenby, about how students can take control of their own destiny, and make some cash in the proccess
“ENTREPRENEURIALISM is the new rock ‘n’ roll.” That’s the view of millionaire entrepreneur and BBC Dragons’ Den investor, Peter Jones. There is now nothing ‘cooler’ than starting your own business and creating your own career through self-employment. At the same time, there has never been more support or as many opportunities for students to start their own enterprises, especially in Wales. It is time for Cardiff students to embrace enterprise; it is time to unveil the Cardiff Entrepreneurs. While Tony Blair continues to hum D:Ream’s classic, Things Can only Get Better, Gordon Brown is moving to a different, fresher sound. In January 2005, Brown launched the National Council for Graduate Entrepreneurship (NCGE), a not-forprofit organisation with the aim of raising the profile of entrepreneurship in the UK and the number of students and graduates seriously considering starting their own businesses. As part of the NCGE’s strategy to develop an entrepreneurial culture among UK universities they have introduced Flying Start, a series of free events including workshops, competitions and mentoring sessions to help nurture young business talent.
Imagine how many business plans you could have written while you were applying for all those graduate trainee schemes This is all part of the Chancellor’s aim to make the UK economy more competitive and address a disappointing statistic: 35 percent of American graduates become entrepreneurs, while in the UK it is a mere eight percent. Wales is even further behind, and the Welsh Assembly is now giving the enterprise agenda a lot of attention through initiatives to educate and support Wales based students, including grant schemes, mentoring and free professional advice.
DEAL: Don’t be a banker While the Government are taking real steps to make entrepreneurship a more viable career option, established entrepreneurs and business experts are also doing their bit to help the next generation of business leaders. Mike Southon, co-author of The Beermat Entrepreneur, who recently spoke to the Cardiff Innovation Network, mentors many young hopefuls. He says a good place to come up with an idea is with your friends in the pub and the only business plan you need can be written on a beer mat. He invites you to imagine a job where you get up at a time you choose, where your work colleagues are your best friends and where you earn more money than anyone else you know by doing something that you enjoy. Too good to be true?
Well, Mike is living proof of his philosophy, having become a multimillionaire through his first business, The Instruction Set. And over the last few years he has helped many other young hopefuls experience similar success. Surprisingly, Mike never came up with the idea for his business and hap-
pened to have the sales skills that a couple of his mates at university needed for their idea. Lucky? Maybe. However every business needs knowledge and skills to make an idea a reality. This works best coming from a core team of founders, rather than some hero figure. So what have you got to do to
become an entrepreneur? How do you come up with a killer idea and turn it into a real business? Your first stop should be the Cardiff Entrepreneurs. This is a new society currently being developed within the university, aiming to launch this October. The society will be open to all Cardiff-based students, graduates, alumni and staff. The aim is to bring bright minds from across the university together to share their passions and skills for enterprise. The society will support members on the journey from idea generation, through to business planning, to implementation and, crucially, trading. There will be activities that members can choose to get involved with, from idea sessions and networking in the pub, to practical skills workshops as well as presentations from entrepreneurs and social events. Membership and most of the activities will be free due to corporate sponsorship. The society has already provoked a lot of interest and expects to have several hundred members by the beginning of the next academic year. Current members are involved in projects such as film production, IT support, robot-building, massage services (not that kind), events management, and fashion design. The society will be working closely with the university; local support organisations; private companies and investors; and the NCGE. The long-term aim is to make the Cardiff Entrepreneurs the biggest and most successful enterprise society in the UK, spawning armies of successful entrepreneurs.
Help others and Help yourself! Help in the development of tomorrow’s medicines today! & receive a payment of at least £350, which increases depending on the duration of the study
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We have lots of work available for bar and waiting staff this weekend (20th May) due to the Heineken Cup Final. If you are interested, please contact us on 029 20781535 or pop in to the Jobshop between 10am-4pm Monday-Friday. We are on the ground floor of the Students Union.
Simbec Research Ltd are currently looking for volunteers aged 18 to 75 years who can offer their time to participate in clinical studies at our modern unit in Merthyr Tydfil
For further information Contact: 0800 691995 or email: gareth.marshall@simbec.co.uk Merthyr Tydfil, CF48 4DR
Problem Page
Page 18
May 15 2006
problempage@gairrhydd.com
Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE
This week: the final filthy part of the twisted tale Room for More? Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners! Are you enjoying the sunshine? Well, given that the most common birth month in the UK is February (this is not strictly true, so don’t use it in your sociology essays - Amber), then you probably are all ‘enjoying’ yourselves, in your usual, pervy ways. Anyway, I am sorry to say that are only a few issues left, so if you do have a problem you depseraetly need help with then please do get in touch via the usual channel: problempage@gairrhydd.com, and do remember to in clude a naked picture - it really helps my ‘research’. Enjoy the sunshine, and the final part of the dangerously dirty Room for More. Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx
I’m a Cider Drink er!
Dear Amber, I AM SORRY to say that recently I have been plagued by a rather unfortunate problem. It all started when I started drinking cider. I am not normally a cider drinker, nor do I like the Wurzels, particularly, but this spate of warm weather has left me hankering for something other than
warm lager. I especially like the fact that you can order cider with ice and no one thinks you’re weird perfect, of a warm spring eve. Anyway, I started out by being normal, and drinking Strongbow (or ‘Bow, as it’s known in the trade) when I went out, in pint form. My mates didn’t laugh at me and it certainly did the job - four pints and I’d be up for anything. But then when I wasn’t drinking I started to miss the buzz, and when I did drink ‘Bow again, I found that it had seemed to
Des-gusting! Dear Amber, MY BOYFRIEND HAS a very odd obsession and it’s driving me up the wall. It all started a few weeks ago. I had gone round to his for a cup of tea on my way home - you know how it is, I was hungover and really didn’t think I could make it to mine - and it was late afternoon, so he had Countdown on. Now, he is doing a maths degree, so I thought maybe he was watching it to challenge himself, or something - come on, Amber, I was hungover - so I just sat sipping my tea and chatting to him and not really paying any attention to the TV. However, he kept waving his arms and shushing me whenever Des Lynam came on. At first, I thought it was just so he could listen to Des’s witty repartee (though I don’t think it’s any match for Richard’s), but as the programme progressed and he began to actually drool when Des came on, I thought that perhaps there was something far stranger afoot. Later that night, he said that I could stay round his. That’s quite unusual for him, as normally he stays at mine. When I got up to his room, I gasped. He had absolutely covered it in pictures of Des - the ceiling, walls and even his computer wallpaper was covered in pictures of the white-haired goon. I really didn’t know what to do, Amber. He then turned and said to
me, “I’m sorry I hid my obsession for so long. I know now that you understand.” The thing is, Amber, I really don’t understand. I tried to let it go, I really did, but when I gave in to my urges and let him mount me, as he ejaculated he stuttered out the word “De-e-e-s!” and I nearly cried with horror. This isn’t normal, is it? Is there anything I can do? I really like him, Amber - apart from this obsession he really is the perfect boyfriend but I’m not sure that I can cope with being second best! What shall I do? In hope, Rosie L, Roath. AMBER SAYS: Dear Rosie, You have to grow up and realise that everyone has a favourite fantasy figure. Love from Amber xxx
DES: Goon!
lose its potency. So I decided to move on to White Lightening. Some may say that this is a drastic measure - why not try Scrumpy, or Magner’s, you say (I cannot fully endorse any of these products, though Magner’s is officially tasty - Amber). There really is no need for White Lightning! But the thing is, Amber, it is the only cider that gets me started now - it tastes like lighter fuel and that’s what it makes me feel like! Unfortunately, I have now taken
Wipe Out! Dear Amber, I AM A third year English Literature student and I have a huge problem. I am a lazy so-and-so and I hate exams so I carefully chose my final year modules as essay-only assessment, so I wouldn’t have to do any exams. I even chose a creative writing module so I wouldn’t have to do as much work! Anyway, the deadline is this week, so yesterday I decided to write as many of my essays as I could so I could have a week on the razzle (no, not the magazine). I managed to write them all in the
Room for More? EROTIC FICTION - PART 3
QUICK RECAP: Ray is torn between the leggy Betty and the busty Cindi - who will he choose? At nine o’clock, Ray walked into the Dog in the Slammer, plan buzzing and beast already awakened in his pants. Betty was waiting for him. She was wearing a very short skirt that made her legs look like long things. Ray gasped as he let his eyes run up and down her long brown legs, though was disappointed by the bee-stings poking out of her Tshirt. Cindi really has the best norks in town, he thought. Betty was so shy she barely said three words as he gradually got her more and more drunk. At closing time, with a raging hard-on, he
to drinking two four-litre bottles of White Lightning before I go anywhere, and the ensuing violence and havoc I create has meant that I am barred from the Taf, Solus and Inncognito’s, though I am still allowed into Metros and Creation strangely, they don’t seem to mind my ‘punchy’ outbursts... Anyway, this is causing me real social problems. I haven’t gone out with my housemates for months as they seem to be scared of me - at least, they cower into the bin when
I’m in the kitchen with them - and my girlfriend has dumped me after I punched her (female) housemate in the face after being called a ‘Loser’. What can I do, Amber? Yours, A Cox, Cathays.
space of a day. OK, they’re not masterpieces, or anything, but they should get me a Desmond, which is all I’m aiming for, after all. I haven’t got a job lined up or anything but I’m pretty certain one will fall on my lap after I’ve graduated I mean, how many English Literature students can there be graduating this year? I’m the sort of graduate in such short supply that I’ll definitely get a job! Anyway, I digress. So I wrote all these essays and to celebrate, went out for a drink. When I got back, pissed, I slept deeply, safe in the knowledge that I was one lucky bastard, having got all my work done with nearly a week to go! However, when I woke up and decided to check my emails, I
realised that something was seriously wrong with my computer - it had completely crashed and I couldn’t do anything. In vain, I searched for my essays, but it seemed my hard-drive had been wiped. I asked my housemates if maybe there was a computer virus going round, but apart from exchanging meaningful looks and smirking they said they had no idea what I was talking about. I really don’t think I can write all those essays again, Amber, and I’m running out of time. What shall I do? Yours, Dan Brown, Byron Street.
invited Betty back to his. “Oh no,” she said, “I really couldn’t,” putting her word count to eight. “Oh yes you can,” said Ray, with a twinkle in his twinkly eye, “I think you need to sober up!” Betty followed him to his flat, where he had a surprise waiting for Betty. “Just put your coat in my room, Betty,” Ray said, winking at her. Betty did so, but as she dropped her coat on the bed was surprised that a blonde, norky, naked figure popped out from under the covers. “Hello!” shrieked Cindi, “Ray invited me round for a threesome!” “That’s right,” said Ray, throwing the aroused Betty onto the bed. “Oh, I don’t know,” said Betty, but soon she was naked and receiving a nice bit of oral from Cindi as Ray filmed it all for later. Ray decided that before he joined
in the fun, he would go and have a piss. When he came back, Betty and Cindi were kissing each other, naked, in the bed. Ray’s cock was like concrete. “Make room for me, girls!” he cried, and tried to get into bed with them. “Actually,” said Betty, “we’ve been talking while you were away. We have decided that we are lesbians and we don’t want anything to do with you. We only have eyes for each other,” she concluded, and pinched Cindi’s large pink nipple, that looked like a - a - a pointy flower. “Oh,” said Ray, dismayed, “Can I not even watch some more?” “No,” smirked Cindi. “It looks like your plan backfired! Room for more, Betty?” “Oh yes,” said Betty!
AMBER SAYS: Dear A, There’s nothing wrong with being a cider drinker, or in liking the Wurzles, if you care to admit it. Love from Amber x
AMBER SAYS: Dear Dan, Er, are you completely thick? Axx
Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com
Award-Winning Television
May 15 - 21 2006
Page 19
tvgareth@coversblown.com
This Week’s Rocks Amongst the Cocks: May 15-21
Finland of the Dinosaurs
Eurovision Song Contest. BBC1 Saturday. Finland. Lordi Help Us!
HOT
B r u c e Springsteen God amongst very boring men, and quite possibly the only person alive to recieve the accolade of “hot” for the sixteenth time in TV Desk, and quite rightly so. His new album, although baffling, is an utter joy, even his cover of Froggie Went A-Courtin’.
Soaps Dingle Dong! This week the Radio Times questions of Emmerdale’s Cain “which is worse - seducing your daughter’s girlfriend or seducing a schoolgirl?”. I say, “which is better?”. It’s a tough call. Why is the Radio Times so cryptic? I’d tell you what I knew, but it speaks to me in code. Coronation Street’s sole storyline unravels this week as Gail finds out that her poison pen letters are coming from “someone close to home”. Well of fucking course they are, they all live in the same bollocking street. Jeez. And then in Eastenders there are whisperings of Nick Cotton. Isn’t he dead? If he isn’t then I think he might be back. If he is dead then I’m lost. And Neighbours. It’s all gone a bit nutso. Parkers are scrapping and that skinny Kaplinski kid has an accident. Steph plots her own death. I’m happy to help.
Hard Rock Hallelujah!
NOT
The saints are crippled On this sinners' night Lost are the lambs with no guiding light.
Dr Who Not only is the show a bit wank and a waste of the lovely David Tennant’s talents, but appears to be rather extensively, the big budget marketing campaign heaven the BBC have been waiting for to pollute the card shop shelves and magazine pull-out sections. Shame on you.
The walls come down like thunder The rocks about to roll It's The Arockalypse Now bare your soul. All we need is lightning With power and might Striking down the prophets of false As the moon is rising Give us the sign Now let us rise up in awe Rock 'n roll angels bring that hard rock hallelujah Demons and angels all in one have arrived Rock 'n roll angels bring that hard rock hallelujah In God's creation supernatural high The true believers Thou shall be saved Brothers and sisters keep strong in the faith On the day of Rockoning It's who dares, wins You will see the jokers soon'll be the new kings All we need is lightning With power and might Striking down the prophets o f
Fudge Tunnel 46
false As the moon is rising Give us the sign Now let us rise up in awe Rock 'n roll angels bring that hard rock hallelujah Demons and angels all in one have arrived Rock 'n roll angels bring that hard rock hallelujah In God's creation supernatural high Wings on my back I got horns on my head My fangs are sharp
And my eyes are red Not quite an angel The one that feel Now choose to join us or go straight to Hell Hard Rock Hallelujah! Hard Rock Hallelujah! Hard Rock Hallelujah! Hard Rock yeah! Rock 'n roll angels bring that hard rock hallelujah Demons and angels all in one have arrived Rock 'n roll angels bring that hard rock hallelujah In God's creation supernatural high Hard Rock Hallelujah!
DVDS TO RENT/BUY Overrated BBC1 time-travel tripe masquarading as a British attempt to rival superior American offerings Life on Mars is out this week. Starring John Simm, who, like Sven Goran Erikssssson, does something really good every three years and spends the rest of the time dicking around earning small change in family dramas. Jarhead is also out, which is a not-very-good adaptation of a notvery-good book by a quite-good director and a mixed bag of actors including Jamie Foxx, who officially can’t act or sing, and Jake Gyllenhaal, who appeals to homosexual teenagers, girls who think they’re clever, and nobody else. Best of all of this week’s middling-to-average shambles is Breakfast on Pluto, which is a fairly dull voyage-of-discovery Irish flick,
only it stars TV Desk’s favourite hot male, Cillian Murphy in drag for it’s entirety. Anyone questioning their sexuality, or whether doe-eyed Irish boys dressed as someone from Little House on the Prarie might switch them, might want to turn away. For everyone else, rent this, and have some Kleenex handy.
Film BBC1 are showing another crap Martin Lawrence vehicle (Life, 11.35pm Friday), so skip that, and check out Big Trouble in Little China over on E4 at 9pm. Directed by John Carpenter, it stars Kurt Russell as a wise-ass trucker who gets his truck stolen by a crazed oriental overlord in downtown San Francisco. Yum.
Sport Arsenal v Barcelona, Wednesday May 17 (ITV, 7.00pm). “Will Ronaldinho’s magic feet lead Barcelona on a victory dance to the European Cup”. That’s from the Radio Times. Though sadly they don’t credit the author. Quality. I’ve been cheering on Arsenal so far, as the democractic English football fan that I am, They’ll be NAILED tonight though.
Radio Peep Show! I’m presuming that got your attention, layabouts. Anyway, the two flawed intellectuals who play Jez and Mark in the aforementioned sitcom, Robert Webb, and David Mitchell, have a sketch show on Radio 4 (Thursday, 6.30pm) called That Mitchell and Webb Sound. People in the office have heard it, and apparently it’s “nothing like Peep Show, it’s silly, but not like wacky silly, quite old fashioned really I don’t know”. On that recommendation, you should already be switching the dial to the no-doubt more high-brow Radio 4 from whatever trite you were listening to. After that, you get The Archers, so you can cook your dinner simultenously. Great!
Monday
Page 20
May 15 - 21 2006
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7:00pm Arena: The Waugh Trilogy 8:00pm The World 8:30pm The Assasination of JFK: Days That Shook the World 9:00pm BBC Young Musician 2006 Or Most Bullied, HomeSchooled Quiffy Freak 2006, if you prefer. Except the percussion ones. They’re cool. 10:00pm Mr Loveday's Little Outing 10:30pm The Waughs: Fathers and Sons 12:00pm The Assassination of JFK: Days That Shook the World 12:30pm Backhander: The Poulson Affair 1:30am The Waughs: Fathers and Sons Why does every program on this channel sound like it should only be watched by school teachers? I think this is probably the most appropriate time to point out the fact that we have new program logos this week. Isn’t it nice? Very hip and modern I’d say. Except the BBC 3 one just reminds me of all the adverts for Two Pints of Lager... I’ve not eaten in about three days. But I’m gonna have chinese takeaway tonight whilst watching the UEFA Cup final, so that’ll be nice. 3:00am BBC Young Musician 2006
6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am The Really Good Wake-Ups 9:00am The Really Good WakeUps 10:00am Best of Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Best of Whatever... You Want 12:00am Best of Whatever... You Want 1:00pm The Really Good Mix Tapes 2:00pm The Really Good Mix Tapes 3:00pm Brat Camp USA 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Beauty and the Geek 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10:00pm Wife Swap: The Aftermath 10:30pm Big Trouble in Little China 12:25pm Porn: A Family Business 1:05am Porn: A Family Business 1:40am Smallville: Superman the Early Years 2:35am Wife Swap: The Aftermath 3:00am Brat Camp USA 3:40am Beauty and the Geek 4:25am Switched 4:50am Fool Around... with TV Desk. 60% single and semi-desperate. Do your worst. We will.
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6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Energon 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am Emmerdale 10:55am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:40am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:00pm Emmerdale 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 8:30pm Airline USA Colleen has a haircut for a children’s charity. Whoop-de-doo. It’s not even Colleen Nolan. 9:00pm Ocean's Eleven 11:15pm Coronation Street 11:45pm Coronation Street 12:15pm Lip Service 12:45pm Movies Now 1:00am ITV Play: Quizmania If it was my ball ITV would never play. 4:00am Teleshopping
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30am Will and Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:20am Grudge Match 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am The Hustlers 10:20am Bricking It 11:10am Engineering at the Cutting Edge 11:35am The 100 Hottest Web Searches 2005 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 1:35pm Designers Under Pressure 1:50pm Carlton-Browne of the F O 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm Dispatches Dispatches from TV Gareth. To be like me this week do this: listen to Comet Gain, don’t revise, don’t eat, slalem outrageously close to feelings of jubilation and eternal doom with all the panache of a blind skier, realise your superiority over singer songwriters. 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm ER 11:05pm ER 12:05pm Fatboy Slim: Video Exclusive 12:10pm Desperate Housewives 1:05am Diesel UMusic Awards 2005 2:05am King of the Hill 2:30am Trigger Happy USA 2:55am Punk'd 3:15am Countdown 4:00am Just Write 4:15am Just Write 4:30am Just Write 4:45am Just Write Not even the Radio Times knows what this nonsense is. Though I’m guessing (hoping) it’s an educational take-off of the Right Said Fred smash-hit Don’t Talk, Just Kiss. 5:00am Tudor Times 5:20am Tudor Times 5:40am Tudor Times
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7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm The Trouble with Old People 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm How I Met Your Mother 10:55pm Little Britain 11:20pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Doing these TV listings whilst actually looking at a TV guide so that I can see what these programs are about gives me a different perspective on things. This episoe of Tiny Bastarding Tearaways is a ‘revised’ version of 8 o’clock’s showing. So they’ve cut it in half basically. 11:50pm The Trouble with Old People 12:50pm A Dirty Weekend in Hospital: Mischief 1:50am Honey We're Killing the Kids 2:45am Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife Same...Programs...Every...Week. When I was at school I was told not to use the word ‘nice’ to describe things and to think of something more exciting or descriptive. In hindsght they should have told me the same about using the word bollocks. Cause that’s what all of this is.
6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 3:45pm Atomic Betty 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Airline 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm You've Been Framed! 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Wales This Week 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm See No Evil: The Moors Murders 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Supernatural 12:00pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald 12:30pm Champions League Weekly 1:00am The Minge So, naturally, I was watching this last night and the question was “Bands starting with ‘The’”. The second top answer was ‘The Simpsons’. For fuck sake. Now I own the The Simpsons Sing The Blues album, and it’s pretty awesomeo, but I mean, come on!! Some crafty viewer pipped for Therapy? but it wasn’t there. He knows as well as I do that that’s the sort of underhand, sly tactic those cads at The Mnt would go for. 3:20am Have I Been Here Before? Hear’say star Suzanne Shaw has regression therapy. Regression therapy sounds like it could be a lot more fun than it actually is. “Ooooh, I was a pirate.” Great. 3:45am House Price Challenge 4:10am I Want That House 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV News
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7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Come Outside 10:15am Summerton Mill 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Let's Write a Story 10:45am Words and Pictures Plus 11:00am Words and Pictures Plus 11:15am The Way Things Work 11:45am Watch 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Megamaths 1:30pm Rachel and the Stranger 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Top Gear 8:00pm The Curious House Guest 8:30pm University Challenge 9:00pm Dead Ringers 9:30pm Feel the Force 10:00pm Feeder: Singled Out “On the day the rockers release their greatest hits album, Huw Stephens assesses their enduring appeal”. Right, their enduring appeal is primarily because the sort of mongs whose first introduction to guitar music was from hearing the Saved By The Bell theme tune, and who use the word ‘rock’ as a verb, still breathe. 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Have I Got News for You 11:50pm Hannibal: The Man, the Myth, the Mystery 12:40pm Joins BBC News 24 1:00am BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel:Talk Italian 1-6 2:30am Italy Inside Out 1-5 5:00am Renaissance Secrets 5:30am Talk the Talk:
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6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am This Little Farmer Went to Market 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Brief Encounters 2:50pm Homes under the Hammer 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:00pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm Really Wild Show 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Schools Out 7:30pm X-Ray 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm DIY SOS “Nick Knowles converts a diifficult loft space into a room for a seven-year-old boy who has had to share his parent’s bedroom”. Well that makes him sound like an awesome, benevolent guy doesn’t it. Neglects to mention the fact that knowing old Knowlsey he probably then began an affair with the mother and broke up the family. He just has that look about him. It’s like the inverted version of my look. 9:00pm New Tricks 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm One Foot in the Grave 11:05pm Men Behaving Badly 11:35pm Life 1:20am Sign Zone:Planet Earth 2:20am Sign Zone:Save Lullingstone Castle 2:50am Sign Zone:Girl Cops 3:20am Sign Zone:Animal Park: Wild in Africa 4:05am Joins BBC News 24
6:10am The Hoobs 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30am Will and Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:20am Grudge Match 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am The Hustlers 10:20am Bricking It 11:10am Engineering at the Cutting Edge 11:35am The 100 Hottest Web Searches 2005 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach 12:45am Planed Plant Bach 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder 1:20pm Selling Houses 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:10pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant 4:20pm Bernard 4:25pm Stamina 4:50pm Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Ffermio 9:00pm Ar Dy Feic 9:30pm Sgorio 10:35pm Y Clwb Rygbi 11:05pm Wife Swap 12:05pm Invasion 1:05am Dispatches 2:05am The Worst Jobs in History 3:00am South American Football 4:00am Just Write 4:45am Nuffink
Wednesday
Page 22
May 15 - 21 2006
ivegotsunburn@ouchit’sitchy.com
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.
Tales From Greece
Lottery: Midweek draws
BBC2 11.20pm
BBC 1 10.35pm
Wildboyz
In Hell
five 10pm
five 12pm
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 10:00pm High Fidelity 11:45pm Grown Ups 12:15pm Booze Bird: Mischief 1:10am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 1:40am Honey We're Killing the Kids 2:40am Brand New Spendaholics Well I've just got back from lounging, er, I mean revising in the sun. Four hours of pouring over books and scraps of paper filled with breaks for ice creams, quavers and coke. What a tiring day. I think I’m sunburnt. Again. This is my second burning in a week. At the weekend I spent an entire day lying in my parents back garden (who invented decking? I love it -no biting scratchy bugs and no bits of grass up your arse) drinking navy rum and ginger beer with a squeeze of lime….mmm. It's one of my favourite tipples at the moment. Anyway, I got burnt then too and had a big red oval on my chest where my top was, now I seem to have a big red square on my back where my top was too. Lovely. Not very demure, is it?
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Energon 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show whenever I don’t know what to write about I always slag off Jeremy. It’s just so easy. What a dickhead. I bet he’s had numerous failed relationships and I bet he’s not even on speaking terms with his parents. Blatantly a failure really. 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Kindergarten Cop 10:05pm Beverly Hills Cop 12:10pm The Ricki Lake Show 12:55pm Movies Now 1:05am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am
6:00am The Cubeez 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am You Must Remember This 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am The Hustlers 10:20am Giving Up the Weed It's a tricky business, but when it comes to eating five packets of Monster Munch a day, a whole box of cereal and doing nothing but sleep, giggle and play 'Pop-up Pirates' until you freak out and think the pirates are out to get you, it's time to give it up dude. The pirates are not going to hurt you, PUT the plastic machete down. 11:10am Engineering at the Cutting Edge 11:35am The 100 Hottest Web Searches 2005 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm Channel 4 Racing 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm 10 Years Younger Bikini Special if they did this to me I’d end up looking like a 9-year-old and that would not be good. I never want to be 9 again. Such a traumatic time. 9:00pm Grand Designs 10:00pm Desperate Housewives 11:05pm The Girl Who Came Back from the Dead 12:05pm Muse: Video Exclusive 12:10pm The Model, The Poster and Three Thousand Women 1:15am KOTV Classics 2:10am South American Championship Football 3:00am FIA GT Championship 3:30am Trans World Sport 4:25am Wild Things 5:10am Countdown
6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am The Really Good Wake-Ups 9:00am The Really Good WakeUps Waking up is never really good, that is a lie. 10:00am Best of Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Best of Whatever... You Want 12:00am Best of Whatever... You Want 1:00pm The Really Good Mix Tapes 2:00pm The Really Good Mix Tapes 3:00pm Brat Camp USA 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends The one with Rachel’s big head. 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Invasion 10:00pm Big Brother: The Love Stories 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00pm Smack the Pony 12:35pm Vodafone TBA 1:35am Big Brother: The Love Stories 2:35am Smack the Pony 3:05am Brat Camp USA 3:45am Switched Up! 4:10am Switched Up! 4:30am Switched Up! 4:55am Switched 5:15am Switched
6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy Or else he’ll tie you to the back of his little red and yellow car and drag you over a rubbish dump until you have a microwave, dishwasher or washing machine on your head. Very uncomfortable. 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:55am Mio Mao 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:35pm A Deadly Business 3:35pm Hit and Run 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Movie Lounge 8:00pm The Umbrella Assassin: Revealed The psycho with the umbrella fetish is finally revealed. 9:00pm Brad, Jen and Angelina: A Fatal Attraction I am so tired of hearing about this bloody love triangle, it is sooo old news. 10:00pm In Hell it is hot and full of flames, apparently. 12:00pm Wildboyz 12:30pm Poker Night: Partypoker.com Football and Poker Legends World Cup 2:00am Baseball: MLB Wednesday 5:00am World Motocross Championship 5:30am NHRA Drag Racing yet more men in drag racing each other in boats, cars, on horseback, in stilettos, in flip flops, in buses, in mini-skirts, etc, etc. blah.
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7:00pm Arena: The Waugh Trilogy 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Take One Museum 9:00pm BBC Young Musician 2006 10:00pm The History Man 10:50pm The History Man 11:50pm Tory! Tory! Tory! 12:50pm Lefties 1:50am My Dad Was a Communist 2:20am The Miners' Picnic by Ken Russell 2:50am Take One Museum 3:20am BBC Young Musician 2006 After purchasing what is perhaps the best bag ever I think perhaps myself and pal Charis should start up a bag making company. I've figured out 'Lisa' (the designer and maker of my amazing handbag) probably spent about 5 quid on making my bag and then charged me 25, that's a bit cheeky but people like me are stupid enough to buy them. I'd call my company 'The Bag Ladies', very classy. I hope no one reads this and then sees my bag as I think I have bigged up the bag a little too much and now you'll just think I'm a freak. Which I may well be. But it is a nice bag, but maybe not as amazing as I said. But it’s still cool. I like it.
6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm SpongeBob SquarePants What a beautiful day it is today, so hot and sweaty here in the newspaper office, almost damp, I’m surprised it’s not running down the walls... lovely. 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm You've Been Framed! 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Champions League Final 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Helicops 11:35pm Sure Fans United I saw this the other week and it’s actually a programme about football sponsored by Sure deodrant. Basically it went on about how people were fed up of being charged loads of money to see their teams play, so they started up their own. I think the Man U fans started up a team called United of Manchester or something, which I though was quite an amusing piss-take. 12:30pm ITV Play: The Mint 2:25am British Touring Cars Championship 4:05am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News the discussion in the office tonight is: Vegetarian pizzas are shit as the pizza place always skimps on the veg and you end up with a really boring pizza. Frankly, I’m an avid meat-eater and I don’t care.
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7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Come Outside 10:15am Summerton Mill 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Trade Secrets 10:40am Horizon 11:30am am.pm 1:00pm What the Tudors Did for Us 1:30pm Working Lunch 2:00pm Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm The Happiness Formula a big plate of lasagne with a huge salad, garlic bread and a massive glass of red wine, that’s happiness. Unless you don’t like lasagne. Then you may want something else. 7:30pm Holidays in... Euroland 8:00pm Eating with... Minette Walters 8:30pm Eating with... Ronnie Corbett 9:00pm The Line of Beauty 10:00pm Room 101 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Tales from Greece I went to Rhodes last year, there were lots of goats and heaps of feta cheese, luckily I like feta cheese. My boyfriend got sunburnt and eaten by mosquitos, I didn’t. Hehe. I must have yucky blood. It’s all the alcohol. 12:20pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Vocational Bitesize 4:00am Vocational Bitesize wow the radio times this week has a free Doctor Who sticker book with 6 stickers to get the collection going, great. What happened to football stickers?
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6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am This Little Farmer Went to Market 11:30am Bargain Hunt Ooh my bargain for the week was a handmade, one-off handbag, made from ‘original 1970s fabric’. I bought it in Bristol and I love it, it will never leave my side… ever. 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Brief Encounters 2:50pm Homes under the Hammer 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:00pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm Really Wild Show 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours I’m having Neighbours withdrawal symptoms, I haven’t seen it for at least four days. Last time I saw it Izzie was running away from psycho Paul with that kid with the spikey hair. 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Iolo's Welsh Safari 7:30pm The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 9:00pm Shops, Robbers and Videotape 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40pm Belonging 11:10pm ONE Life 11:50pm The Man Who Knew Too Little 1:25am Sign Zone:Hairy Bikers' Cookbook 1:55am Sign Zone:The Curious House Guest 2:25am Sign Zone:Seaside Rescue 2:55am Sign Zone:Animal Park: Wild in Africa 3:40am Joins BBC News
PRIMETIME
Call 02920 229977.
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am You Must Remember This 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am The Hustlers 10:20am Giving Up the Weed 11:10am Engineering at the Cutting Edge 11:35am The 100 Hottest Web Searches 2005 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 12:50am Planed Plant Bach:Y Blobs 1:00pm Channel 4 Racing 3:30pm A Place in the Sun 4:00pm Planed Plant:Code Lyoko 4:25pm Planed Plant:Clwb Winx 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Cwpwrdd Dillad 9:00pm 04 Wal 9:30pm Sioe Gelf 10:00pm Lost 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00pm 10 Years Younger Bikini Special 1:00am The Girl Who Came Back from
Thursday
May 15 - 21 2006
Page 23
fdhushgthWANKhihtIHQIERHIQEHRFFNAS@tvdesk.com
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters Fawlty Towers
Don’t move, Improve
BBC2 7pm
ITV1 2.15pm
The Price is Right
ITV1 5pm
Let’s Make a Baby
BBC3 2.10am
All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Energon 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Planet's Funniest Animals 9:55am Coronation Street 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:00pm Airline 2:30pm Airline 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show Did you know that Jeremy Kyle’s real surname is actually ‘Show’. He had to adopt his middle name to avoid looking stupid. Didn’t really go to plan did it? 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm House of Horrors 9:00pm Beverly Hills Cop 11:05pm Footballers' Wives Extra Time 11:50pm Supernatural 12:50pm Movies Now 1:00am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping
6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am The Really Good Wake-Ups 8:00am The Really Good Wake-Ups 9:00am Best of Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Best of Whatever... You Want 11:00am Best of Whatever... You Want 12:00am The Really Good Mix Tapes 1:00pm The Really Good Mix Tapes 2:00pm Big Brother: The Love Stories 3:00pm Brat Camp USA 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:25pm Friends 5:55pm Big Brother: The Love Stories 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm ER 10:00pm Funny Cuts: Tank Commander I thought this said ‘Funny Cats’. Oh, I miss my cat Shitty. She has a cute little goatie which makes her look like an artist, and she wees in shoes. Every time I put my feet into my shoes and don’t feel a warm puddle, I sigh. I miss you lovely Shitty and your charming incontinence. 10:15pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 10:45pm Big Brother Live
6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:55am Mio Mao 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Seminole 3:20pm five news update 3:25pm The Big Valley - Image of Yesterday 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Grizzlies: Living with Alaskan Bears 8:00pm Bride and Grooming 9:00pm House 10:00pm Grey's Anatomy 11:00pm Suburban Shootout 11:30pm Swinging I could never get very high on the swings in the park. I think my lack of flexibility and obesity may have had an impact on the height. There was also a time when I got stuck in one of the baby swings, but we don’t talk about that. I think I’m just in a bad mood as I spent the entire day switching between being sick in my bathroom (which resembles a swamp) and being curled-up in the foetal position. And now the rest of the TV SKIVERS have buggered off to do exciting things. 12:00pm When Sex Becomes an Addiction 1:00am Golazo Football Show 2:00am Football Argentina 3:30am Football Argentina Highlights 4:20am US Major League Soccer Life is shit.
PRIMET I ME
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Exposed 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am The Hustlers 10:20am Adopt Me - I'm a Teenager A rare teenage rallying cry. I’d much more expect to hear “Fuck Me - I’m A Teenager”. 11:10am Engineering at the Cutting Edge 11:35am The 100 Hottest Web Searches 2005 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm Channel 4 Racing from York 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm Honey I Ruined the House 9:00pm Big Brother: Live Launch Show Well I was pretty much thinking that my degree was doomed and this serves as confirmation. I’m fucked. 10:15pm Bring Back... The A Team Presented by Justin Lee Collins. Wanker. Our accent isn’t cool and there’s no point in even pretending that it is. I’m not fussed about bringing the The A Team back, but I could be persuaded if it was in exchange for him. 11:35pm Big Brother: The Love Stories Starring TV John and TV Gareth. Wait and see kids, wait and see. 12:40pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 1:10am Big Brother Live 3:05am Football: South American Championship 4:00am Punk'd 4:25am Wild Things 5:10am Countdown 5:55am The Hoobs
P R I M E T I M E
E M I T E M I R
7:00pm The Phantom Inventory Where do spirits like to haunt? This list is fairly up-to-date. large wardrobes, that mist lurking over your bed, the cold spot in the corner of the living room, underneath your bed; Behind the bush in the park; behind you RIGHT NOW; In the boot of your car; that damp puddle which never dries; the attic; the basement (don’t go down there); the man in the corner shop who is actually dead; your Dad’s boss’s garage (under the cement); 7:10pm The Elephant and the Sultan 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Versailles Stories 9:00pm BBC Young Musician 2006 10:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops 11:00pm Mr Loveday's Little Outing 11:30pm Versailles Stories 12:00pm Tory! Tory! Tory! 1:00am Lefties See above. Lefthanded people are usually possessed by an evil ghost and should be avoided if possible. 2:00am Versailles Stories 2:30am BBC Young Musician
6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today Starring TV Grace and Quench’s Cat Gee. Expect strong language and scenes featuring bread. 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve I did my own experiment for this programme. The title implies that if you sit around all day doing nothing, then you will be enriched in untold ways. Maybe I’m just hearing what I want to hear. 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm You've Been Framed! I Saw Jeremy Beadle on Countdown the other day. He told a joke that wasn’t even remotely funny. It made me all nostalgic. You’ve got to hand (arf) it to the man, he made Saturday evening entertainment. 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Stories From The Street 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm The Bill 9:30pm Vital Signs 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Never to be Forgotten 11:30pm Waterfront 12:00pm Free Ride 4:10am Britain's Best Back Gardens 4:35am Moving Day 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News: “It is hot. I am tired. I just lost 50p in the vending machine because I keyed in the number for an empty shelf. My life sucks.” Over and out.
PRIMETIME
7:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 8:00pm Eurovision Song Contest Semi-Final 2006 10:15pm EastEnders 10:45pm Daz's Eurovision Sponsored by Daz. Tsk, it seems nothing, not even a public service charter will stop Daz on its mission to dominate the washing powder market. 11:45pm Trauma Uncut 12:15pm Trauma Uncut 12:45pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 1:15am Daz's Eurovision 2:10am Let's Make a Baby: Mischief + cider + an empty park bandstand = TV Grace. What, were you not conceived in this way too? 3:10am Honey We're Killing the Kids To be honest, some of these little horrors do it to themselves. My children will be home and in bed by six o’ clock every evening. If they disobey, a short spell in the Chokey should make them a bit more subservient. Children should be neither seen nor heard. In my day, if you disrespected your elders or didn’t eat your greens you got shot.
7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Come Outside 10:15am Summerton Mill 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Watch 10:45am Something Special 11:00am Razzledazzle 11:20am Primary Geography 11:30am English Express 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:05pm His Kind of Woman 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Fawlty Towers 7:30pm Discovering Welsh Houses If you came across the interior of my house (and, let’s face it, you probably won’t), you’d find a whole variety of exotic artifacts and points of interest. A particular favourite of mine is the kitchen floor, which is furnished with the highest-quality arabian tiles. The bowl of curdled milk outside is also popular with the snails, who prompty die in its toxic juices. I just love breathing in those lung-purifying mould spores that have begun to spread up the wall behind my bed. Yeah, Welsh houses are great. 8:00pm The Curious House Guest 8:30pm Mastermind 9:00pm This World: Psychic Vietnam 10:00pm Nighty Night 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm The Smoking Room 11:50pm Dragon's Den 12:20pm Joins BBC News 24
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PRIMETIME
6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am This Little Farmer Went to Market This little farmer went to11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Brief Encounters Starring the rest of the TV desk erm, staff, who have all disappeared. With the exception of TV John who will be leaving us soon. 2:50pm Homes under the Hammer 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:00pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm Really Wild Show 5:00pm Totally Doctor Who 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Holiday Hit Squad 7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm New Street Law 9:00pm The Street 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Dragon's Eye 11:05pm Question Time 12:05pm This Week 1:05am Sign Zone:When Lineker Met Maradona I arrogantly watched this when it was designed for hearing people. This is a bit of a cop-out from the BBC deaf team, as half of the program was in subtitles anyway. 1:50am Sign Zone:Grumpy Old Men 2:20am Sign Zone:Animal Park: Wild in Africa 3:05am Joins BBC News 24 Yeah, cheers Gareth. You go off to your lovely gig and leave your page barely even started. I’m sure some mug will do it though. That mug would be me. Thanks.
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Exposed 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am The Hustlers 10:20am Adopt Me - I'm a Teenager 11:10am Engineering at the Cutting Edge 11:35am The 100 Hottest Web Searches 2005 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach 1:00pm Channel 4 Racing from York 3:30pm It's Me or the Dog 4:00pm Planed Plant 4:25pm Planed Plant 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Clwb Garddio 9:00pm Big Brother 10:15pm Bandit 10:45pm Who Stole the World Cup? 11:45pm Big Brother: The Love Stories 12:45pm TV Heaven, Telly Hell 1:10am Big Brother Live 2:45am The Worst Jobs in History 3:40am Football: South American Championship 4:35am KOTV Classics
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Friday
Page 24
May 15 - 21 2006
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7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Doctor Who 9:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Grown Ups 11:00pm The Real Hustle 11:30pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 12:00pm Blood on the Turntable 1:00am Honey We're Killing the Kids 1:55am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 2:55am The Trouble with Old People Is what? that’s what I want to know. I love old people, they have the best stories to tell, they always have sweets to give you, they knit you great items of clothing, they often have very small and amusing pets, they’re really greatful if you help them out, they love to dance (at least a lot of the old ladies I know do, or would if they could), they make great cakes and they always grow plants well and they always know obscure ways to cure minor ailments (for example, rub a gold ring on your eye if you have a sty - it works). So there.
7:00pm Time 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Sounds of the Eighties 9:00pm Girls and Boys: Sex and British Pop 10:00pm BBC Four Sessions 11:00pm Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band Live at Hammersmith Odeon 1975 12:00pm Machine Men 1:00am The Elephant and the Sultan 1:50am BBC Four Sessions 2:50am Machine Men Myself and my future housemates went down to the Woody for a bev last night to meet Meg, who is hopefully also a future housemate. We’d never met before and this was a chance for Meg to meet us all and decide if she could cope with living with a bunch of weirdos. Anyway, we started having the usual introductory chitchat, such as what are you studying, etc, blah blah. So Meg asked me if I liked any sports and was part of any societies and I just answered with “I’m more of a newspaper person really”. Afterwards I realised that this may sounds like I’m extremely sad and just spend my time reading papers with no social life. She may think that I
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Energon 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Emmerdale 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Emmerdale 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm The Da Vinci Code Premiere Special 8:30pm American Idol 9:20pm American Idol Results 10:10pm Lip Service 10:40pm Coronation Street 11:10pm Coronation Street 11:40pm Long Time Dead 1:25am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping ..would rather read a paper than do any sport. Actually, that may be true. But hey. I hoped you liked us Meg (if you’re reading this, unlikely).
6:00am Big Brother Live 3:10pm Big Brother: Live Launch Show 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live If you don’t like Big Brother or don’t want to get sucked in then I suggest you don’t watch E4 today. Or, in fact, any day for the next few weeks. 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 10:35pm Big Brother Live Your chance to watch a bunch of people sleeping. Although these people aren’t celebrities so there may be a bit more excitement. Apparently Big Brother are giving one lucky member of the public a chance to be on the show if they win a golden ticket in a KitKat bar. There are 100 tickets to be won and then Big Brother will choose a select few to appear on the first night and then one will be chosen at random. So if you want to be in BB and you like Kit Kats then I suggest you get out there and buy some. Hell yeah.
6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy or else he’ll string you up upside down with your head above a vat of pickled gherkins. Then at random moments he’ll dunk you in for lengths of time in order to force feed you gherkins until you cannot take any more. 8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:55am Mio Mao 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Sam's Son 3:40pm Danielle Steel's Heartbeat 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:30pm Alligator Attack Car crash TV wherein we get to see lots of people on an island off Florida get ripped to bits by crocs. Or alligators or whatever. I think there may be a difference. 8:30pm Nice House, Shame about the Garden The sequel to ‘Nice garden, shame about the house’ 9:00pm Sitcoms that Changed the World 10:00pm Law and Order 11:00pm Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 12:00pm John Barnes' Football Night 1:00am The Great Big British Quiz 5:30am Wildlife Down Under with Nick Baker You’d be surprised what’s lurking down under with Mr Baker - it’s all down to personal hygiene if you ask me.
P R I M E T I M E
6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am B4 7:15am Big Brother: Live Launch Show 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Grudge Match 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am The Hustlers 10:20am 99 Ways to Lose your Virginity Isn’t it a bit early in the day to be showing this? We don’t want to be giving the little nippers ideas now do we? 11:10am Engineering at the Cutting Edge 11:35am The 100 Hottest Web Searches 2005 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm Channel 4 Racing from York and Newbury 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:35pm Unreported World 8:00pm Will and Grace 8:30pm Will and Grace Well TV Grace is up for a trip to Barry Island this weekend. Last time I went to Barry Island it was November and it was dead and slightly scary. There were just loads of gambling machine places with no one in them - so lonesome. 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Green Wing 11:10pm My Name Is Earl 11:40pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 12:10pm Big Brother Oh no, it’s a new big brother. No doubt I’m going to get sadly addicted to it and my life will be run around the Big Brother schedule.Live 3:05am Punk'd 3:30am The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 3:55am Wild Things 4:40am Countdown 5:25am Vee-TV 5:55am Inuk what’s an ‘Inuk’? It sounds like some obscure animal like sloths and wombats.
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6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am Entertainment Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning i sat in the park behind the main building and ‘revised’ and got really burnt and now my back feels a bit tight and sore. Not pretty. 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Feodor 3:35pm Art Attack 3:55pm How II 4:20pm Skillz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm You've Been Framed! 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30pm Coronation Street Eastenders is always my choice of soap by far. Speaking of which, it’ll be on in a few seconds... ooh there it is. How luxurious, TV listings whilst watching Eastenders. I want Jane to leave Ian Beale and runaway with Grant, I think that’d be hilarious, it’d be like the 20th woman to leave Ian.9:00pm Donovan 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Builders from Hell 12:05pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:10am Too Many Cooks 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News well in case I don’t make it to Rachel’s ( a girl in my halls) birthday thingy tonight then I wish her a happy birthday and hope she had a great night. Although by the time she reads this it’ll be way past her birthday. Happy Birthday to you..... lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalal
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PRIMETIME
7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Come Outside 10:15am Summerton Mill 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Primary History: Britain Since 1948 10:50am Primary History 11:10am Primary History 11:30am Primary Geography 11:50am Focus 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:30pm River of No Return 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Scrum V Live 9:00pm Gardeners' World 9:30pm The Princess Spy 10:20pm What the Ancients Did for Us 10:30pm Newsnight 11:00pm Newsnight Review 11:35pm Later with Jools Holland 12:35pm Diary of a City Priest 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University:Wide Sargasso Sea Real and Imaginary Islands 2:30am Behind a Mask 3:30am Declining Citizenship 4:00am What's Right for Children? Making stamps out of potatoes, painting hand prints in big pieces of paper, cooking Rice Krispy cakes, building dens out of duvets and blankets, having a hamster and then realising that they’re boring and letting your mom look after it. 4:30am Cine Cinephiles 5:00am The Spanish Chapel, Florence 5:30am Ever Wondered about Food? Food is all I ever wonder about, I love it. Oh yeah pizza is here, Eastenders, pizza, what more could a girl want?... Wine?
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P R I M E T I M E
6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am This Little Farmer Went to Market 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Brief Encounters 2:50pm Homes under the Hammer 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:00pm Fairly Odd Parents 4:30pm Best of Friends 4:55pm Stitch Up 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours I heard Izzie's band on the radio the other day. Fucking hilarious. Apparently it's going down a storm in Oz. I'm not surprised, because it's absolutely shit. It went something along the lines of “Baby baby baby, you are my voodoo chile, you are my voodoo chile”. Don't say maybe maybe blah blah blah these are the worst lyrics ever'. Bob the Builder could do a better job. 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm A Question of Sport 7:30pm Airport 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm Home Again 9:00pm Have I Got News for You 9:30pm Smith and Jones Sketchbook 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35pm Falling Down Hills can actually be quite fun. Especially if you roll at great speed. Just look out for cow pats. 1:25am Joins BBC News 24
6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am B4 7:15am Big Brother: Live Launch Show 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Grudge Match 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am The Hustlers 10:20am 99 Ways to Lose your Virginity 11:10am Engineering at the Cutting Edge 11:35am The 100 Hottest Web Searches 2005 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Bibi Bel 12:50am Planed Plant Bach:Penblwydd Pwy 1:00pm Channel 4 Racing from York and Newbury 3:30pm It's Me or the Dog 4:00pm Planed Plant:Beyblade 4:25pm Planed Plant:Teledu Eddie 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Uned 5 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Hwyl y Noson Lawen 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Mawr 10:30pm Green Wing 11:40pm My Name Is Earl 12:10pm Big Brother Live 3:05am Football: South American Championship
Saturday
May 15 -21 2006
Page 25
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PRIME
6:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse 7:20am MacDonald's Farm 7:40am Bag People 8:10am Woodpecker's Tale 8:25am Mags and Mo 8:40am Babar 9:00am Time to Dance 9:10am Teleshopping 9:25am Emmerdale Omnibus 12:35am Coronation Street Omnibus 3:25pm Holiday Showdown 4:30pm Make Me Rich 5:00pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 6:00pm Breaking the Magician's Code 3 7:00pm Airline USA 7:30pm Airline USA 8:00pm City Slickers II 10:10pm Planet's Funniest Animals 10:30pm The Prince's Trust: Access All Areas 11:30pm Lip Service 12:00pm Booty Call 1:40am ITV Play: Quizmania 3:00am Emmerdale Omnibus are portrayed as sex objects in the media (with reference to Nuts and Zoo)” would be in. And i would wear glasses whilst i was asking questions, and nod a lot so people would think i knew what i was talking about. Perhaps some chin rubbing and “hmm thats interesting” would be called for.
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am French Football: Le Championnat Vous saurez les raisons je pleurniche le sommeil et vous ferez le besoin calme me. My favourite lyrics written in French. Makes them look pretty. 7:30am Freesports on 4 8:00am The Morning Line 8:50am T4:Big Brother's Little Brother 9:20am T4:Pure T4 9:50am T4:Friends TV Gareth is wearing some v nice pants today, (his trousers need pulling up) and to sort out these crazy rumours no he isnt gay, he doesn’t love the cock, and his rash is clearing up soon.10:20am T4:Popworld 11:05am T4:Friends 11:35am T4:Big Brother 12:35am T4:Shipwrecked 2006: The Final Beach Party 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:15pm To Be Announced 4:45pm Wife Swap 5:45pm Deal or No Deal 6:30pm Channel 4 News 7:00pm To Be Announced “Whats the point in patient love when everyone just wants to get fucked?” More of my favourite lyrics. My this page is serious and arty. 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm To Be Announced 11:50pm Green Wing 11:55pm 4 Music:4Music Presents... 12:55pm 4 Music:The Album Chart Show At number one this week Snow Patrol. Yawn, Yawn, with some more Yawns and a few zzzzz’s. I hate that song “ Run” It’s about being addicted to crack. 1:30am 4 Music:Camden Crawl some indie buzz bands play some forgetful stuff.1:55am 4 Music:Rock Feed Back 2:25am 4 Music:Michael Jackson's Moments 2:35am Big Brother Live 4:25am Wild Things 5:10am Countdown 5:55am The Hoobs
6:00am Sunrise -sunset, your manic then your depressed, will you ever feel ok? (im neither, it’s just more Bright Eyes Lyrics) 6:55am Oswald 7:10am Oswald 7:30am The Save-Ums! 7:45am The Save-Ums! 8:05am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:15am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:30am The Book of Pooh 9:05am Gerald McBoing Boing 9:35am Don't Blame the Koalas 10:05am RAD: The Groms Down Under 10:35am No Girls Allowed A show helping young boys deal with their feelings of sexual confusion. 11:35am Fifth Gear 12:35am To Be Announced 1:20pm To Be Announced 1:50pm Fun with Dick and Jane 3:40pm That Darn Cat slept with my wife! 5:15pm Charmed 6:10pm Holy Man Noel Edmonds is the new Jesus! Fact. He’s hairy like Jesus, and talks to mysterious omnipresent people he calls the bank when we all know he is clearly talking to God. 8:05pm five news and sport 8:20pm NCIS 9:10pm CSI:NY 10:10pm Law and Order: Criminal Intent 11:10pm Gang Related A show about Bitches, Bling and Badgers. I just finished reading a book about two people who lived in the Bronx writing each other love letters, one of them being in prison. Here are some Quotes “Dear Antonio, i miss your fine ass, dont you go getting all homo in jail,i got your back!” “ Dear Karrina, i aint no faggot. Love Antonio.” 1:15am Quiz Call 5:35am Animal Airport Plugging me band time. Los Campesinos! Will be playing the welsh club on Thursday the 18th of May.
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7:00pm To Be Announced 7:40pm Mr Loveday's Little Outing Mr Loveday goes to the taxidermist and asks them to stuff his ferret with egg sandwhiches. 8:10pm Wagner's Ring: The Rhinegold 10:50pm Our Hidden Lives People confess to going to Creation for the music. 12:05pm The Mark Steel Lecture 12:35pm The Waughs: Fathers and Sons 2:05am Our Hidden Lives People confess to dancing at Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer” at Creation in a non ironic fashion. So now I, TV Ellen have your attention, you can help me think up dissertation titles for next year. So far i have “ Do Hollywood endings lead to depression” and “Were the muppets fit?” But ideally i want to do one which involves sex. Not having sex (im not a massive prostitute thank you) but talking to people about there sex lives in a journalistic sense. Not in a pervy sense. Questions like “ Hmmm bet you love it doggy” whilst rubbing my legs would be out. Questions like “ Do you find women
6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory 6:35am Little Einsteins 7:00am Dora the Explorer 7:25am House of Mouse 7:55am Dave the Barbarian 8:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Kim Possible. 9:25am Holly and Stephen's Saturday Showdown 11:30am Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 12:00am The Making Of The Da Vinci Code Dan Brown wrote the most historically inaccurate book in the world and morons took it as fact. The End. 12:25am ITV Wales News and Weather 12:30am ITV News; Weather 12:35am Local News and Weather 12:40am GP2 1:10pm Planet's Funniest Animals Ha Ha Ha a kitten gets caught in a cement mixer. He He a small fluffy puppie gets caught in a ceiling fan and HO HO a rabbit gets stuck in a lift. WHICH IS MADE OF SPIKES. 1:30pm Doctor Zhivago 5:00pm ITV Wales News and Weather 5:15pm ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5:30pm You've Been Framed! 6:00pm Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Celebrity 7:00pm The Prince's Trust 30th Birthday 10:30pm Big Fight Live including ITV News and Weather 12:45pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:10am People's Court I am taking the Journalism department to court for filling all my module choices before i arrived for enrolment. Now instead of doing choices which could actually prove helpful in later life i am stuck doing Media and Events. Tell me how that in any way that will prove useful? About as useful as a bunch of emo bisexuals. 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News
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7:00pm BBC Three Outtakes Show Bucky O Hare trivia. Bucky O Hare fought against Space Toads in the Anniverse (an alternative universe.) Many modern sociologists now think it is a comment on the decay of the agriculture industry. 7:25pm Doctor Who Confidential 7:55pm Grown Ups 8:25pm To Be Announced Bucky O Hares’ name sounds like Fucky O Hare. 9:25pm Film To Be Announced 11:00pm The Message 11:30pm The Real Hustle 12:30pm To Be Announced Bucky O Hare was not really a Hare, this is a popular mistake. He was in fact a rabbit. 1:30am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 2:30am To Be Announced Bucky O Hares engineer who use to enter the ship through a dimensional portal was called Willy DuWitt. This was changed after Willy DuWittAnal was considered too subtle. 3:30am To Be Announced Doug Parker who voiced Bucky O Hare is most remembered for his critically acclaimed role in “Candyland: A lollipop adventure.”
6:00am CBeebies:Boogie Beebies 6:20am Tweenies 6:40am Big Cook Little Cook 7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:15am Arthur 7:40am Dennis the Menace 8:00am Watch My Chops 8:15am Trollz 8:35am What's New Scooby Doo? 9:00am Mighty Truck of Stuff 11:45am Sportsround 12:00am See Hear A show in which people shout unlucky at the blind and deaf. Except you know, they cant hear them.12:45am Talking Movies 1:10pm Film To Be Announced Let it be The Ewok Film. 3:50pm Flog It! 4:50pm Great British Menu 5:20pm BBC Young Musician of the Year Another 12 year old freak who can play the oboe using there ankle hair. 2006: The Final 8:10pm Match of the Day Wales Live 10:30pm To Be Announced 11:20pm QI 11:50pm Bruce Springsteen 12:50pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University:Hollywood The equivalent to media courses at Swansea Science 2:30am Truth Will Out 2:45am Background Brief Impact: Planet Earth 3:00am A Thread of Quicksilver 3:30am Biosphere 2 4:00am First Steps to Autonomy A Teach yourself at home guide to cutting up your loved ones. 4:30am Accumulating Years and Wisdom This is what old people watch to perfect there rants to you, “Oh Ellen, boys will never fancy you with that piece of metal in your lip” is todays featured lecture. Next weeks is “How to be racist but get away with it coz your old.” 5:00am Open Advice - A Meeting of Minds 5:30am The Founding of the Royal Society
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6:00am Breakfast Has anyone else ever accidently poured orange juice onto their cornflakes and enjoyed it? And done it again on purpose except told themsleves it was an accident? Then crept down stairs in the middle of the night to try out different fruit juice concoctions to see which one would work best? Then been found by there flatmates the next morning covered in soggy cereal and pineapple juice? No. Me Neither. 0:00am Saturday Kitchen 11:30am Great British Menu 12:00am BBC News; Weather 12:10am World Cup Focus 1:00pm Grandstand 1:05pm Amateur Boxing: England v Russia Beer swilling football hooligans battle it out with vodka swilling small men in furry hats, doing silly dances. 2:30pm Rugby League: Challenge Cup 5th Round 5:30pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:50pm To Be Announced 6:40pm Doctor Who 7:25pm The National Lottery Jet Set 8:00pm Eurovision Song Contest 2006 Oh Lee Williams from Teachers is now on New Street Law, seriously type his name into google and look at images of him because he is fit. If he had a myspace i would comment HAWT on his pics. 10:50pm BBC News; Weather 11:10pm Film To Be Announced Get Yourselves down to the sideroom at Fun Factory this Monday 15th to catch the lovely Yossarian playing, they sound like the Editors having a punch up with Interpol while The Pixies look on throwing mouldy fruit. My band rocked the sideroom last week. We rocked so freaking hard. 12:50pm Friday Night with Jonathan Ross
6:00am Big Brother Live 12:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 1:00pm Big Brother 2:00pm The Album Chart Show 2:30pm Hollyoaks Omnibus I love smoking. It’s so naughty. 5:00pm Friends I love chocolate. It’s so naughty. 5:30pm Friends I love trigonometry. It’s so naughty. 6:00pm Shipwrecked 2006: The Final Beach Party Whose gonna win? The Tigers or The Sharks? The really beautiful people who look amazing in swimwear or the other really beautiful people who look amazing in swimwear? Its fine, they threw in some token fat girls. All i have to say is the girls on the island all need to EAT SOME PIES. I’m gonna start shouting that at skinny girls till they cry. Its good advice. 7:00pm The Pepsi Max World Challenge 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm To Be Announced 10:30pm To Be Announced 11:00pm Big Brother Live Every year i watch Big Brother and every year a small part of me dies inside. The part that knew how to drive.
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am French Football: Le Championnat Donc vous pouvez faire venir me fait cela vous fait jésus? Some dirty Tori Amos lyrics. In French there not dirty now, they’re erotic. 7:30am Freesports on 4 8:00am The Morning Line 8:50am Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 9:55am Big Brother's Little Brother 10:30am Totally Frank As a girl in a band i find this portrayl of female muscicians frankly (see what i did there) insulting. They dont even have a bassist in their band. That’s like having a sandwhich with no filling. A monkey with no hat. 11:00am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 12:00am Big Brother 1:05pm The OC 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The Perfect Home 7:00pm Y Clwb Rygbi: Cwpan Heineken 8:00pm Newyddion a Chwaraeon 8:15pm Tan y Ddraig VI 9:15pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10:20pm Big Brother 11:20pm Exit Wounds 1:15am Gridlock'd 2:50am Big Brother Live 3:45am KOTV
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
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Heaven And Earth
Songs Of Praise
BBC1 9.00am
BBC1 5.00pm
The Sunday Programme
ITV1 6.00am
The Prince’s Trust Birthday ITV1 11.15am
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20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Little Britain 9:30pm Little Britain 10:00pm Grown Ups 10:30pm The Real Hustle 11:00pm To Be Announced Who do the BBC think they’re kidding with their cryptic ‘To Be Announced’ rubbish? There’s not a single episode of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps advertised as being on tonight so they have to find somewhere to flog their ‘flagship programme bollocks’. The bollocks addition to that quote is my little flourish. I hope you appreciate it. 12:00pm To Be Announced 1:00am To Be Announced 2:00am Grown Ups By the MAKERS of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps. Isn’t that similarly as stupid perhaps as advertising. 2:30am The Real Hustle 3:00am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron If you’ve nothing better to do this Thursday May 18 then why not mosey on down to The Welsh Club to see Los Campesinos! play their second show? Fo sho!
7:00pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 8:00pm Young Musician of the Year 9:00pm Atanarjuat - The Fast Runner 11:45pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth The fewand-far-between links between the later series of Power Rangers are often resented by older fans of the show. The first five years of the series featured ongoing storylines that carried through the different seasons, and retained most of its castmembers for several years. Veteran Rangers and villains also occasionally appeared after their stories had run through, most notably in Power Rangers: In Space, in which the central plot involved an attack on the entire universe. Space's finale, ‘Countdown to Destruction’, acted as Power Rangers' version of Crisis on Infinite Earths, killing off or redeeming all of the older villains and largely cleaning up the existing continuity. Subsequent series are able to start with new Rangers and 12:45pm Young Musician of the Year 1:45am Proms on Four 2005
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am The Sunday Programme 9:00am Teleshopping 9:25am Celebrity Daredevils 9:40am The Da Vinci Code Premiere Special 10:10am Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Celebrity 11:10am Airline USA 11:40am American Idol 12:30am American Idol Results 1:20pm Emmerdale Omnibus 4:20pm Coronation Street Omnibus 7:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 7:20pm American Idol 8:10pm American Idol Results 9:00pm Supernatural villains annually without having to incorporate unresolved plot points from the previous season. The new Executive Producer, Bruce Kalish, has attracted criticism and resentment from some fans. This first occurred when he admitted he 10:00pm Lip Service 10:30pm Coronation Street 11:00pm Booty Call 12:40pm The Da Vinci Code Premiere Special 1:05am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping
6:00am Big Brother Live 11:35am Big Brother 12:35am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 1:40pm Popworld 2:30pm Chantelle's Dream Dates 3:00pm Totally Frank 3:30pm Pure T4 4:00pm Big Brother's Little Brother 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The OC 7:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm ER 9:00pm Invasion 10:00pm Lost 11:00pm Desperate Housewives Deliberately didn't watch any of the older episodes when he was hired to work on Power Rangers SPD so he'd be able to make a clean start (he has since watched some of the earlier episodes). He also came in for some criticism when SPD was thought to be relying too heavily on sentai footage & plots, and for saying that the series' writers are only contracted by Disney to do adaptations of sentai and not original stories. In recent years, the Power Rangers have somehow been incorporated with the so-called emo culture. Emo culture, which although it is prevalent 12:00pm Big Brother Live
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6:00am Franklin 6:20am Sailor Sid 6:25am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:50am Oswald 7:05am Oswald 7:25am The Save-Ums! 7:40am The SaveUms! 8:00am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:10am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:30am The Book of Pooh 9:00am Gerald McBoing Boing 9:30am Snobs 10:00am Make It Big 10:30am Hospital 11:00am Match Academy 11:30am Round the Twist 12:00am A Different Life 12:30am Divine Designs 1:00pm five news update 1:10pm Hurricane Smith 2:55pm Mutiny on the Bounty 6:05pm five news and sport 6:20pm Beverly Hills Ninja The first season of Power Rangers also drew criticism from some groups claiming that the Ranger colors were racist, specifically referring to Zack, the Black Ranger (played by Black actor Walter Emmanuel Jones) and Trini, the Yellow Ranger (played by Asian-American actress Thuy Trang). This criticism was rendered moot when the two actors left the show halfway through Season Two and were replaced with Asian American actor Johnny Yong Bosch as the Black Ranger, and black actress Karan Ashley as the Yellow Ranger. 8:00pm Everybody Hates Chris 8:30pm Everybody Hates Chris 9:00pm Rising Sun 11:30pm World's Wildest Police Videos 12:25pm Movie Lounge 1:15am Major League Baseball Live 4:05am World Supercross Grand Prix 5:10am Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing
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6:00am The Sunday Programme 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am Recess 7:40am Super Robot Monkey Team... 8:05am Power Rangers SPD 8:30am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Winx Club 9:25am Skillz 9:30am SpongeBob SquarePants 9:45am Harry Hill's Shark Infested Custard 10:15am The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 11:15am The Prince's Trust 30th Birthday 12:45am Ant and Dec Interview 1:15pm ITV News; Weather 1:20pm ITV Wales News and Weather 1:30pm British Superbikes Championship including British Touring Cars 5:00pm Wales Soccer Sunday 5:30pm Family Fashion 6:00pm Grass Roots 6:30pm ITV Wales News and Weather 6:45pm ITV News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Heartbeat 9:00pm The Booze Cruise III 11:00pm ITV News 11:15pm Champions League Play-off 12:15pm World Rally Championship 1:15am ITV Play: The Mint 3:20am Fat Chance New Reality TV program where fat people (‘fatties’) are given the chance to do things that they wouldn’t normally be able to. In this episdoe one fattie learns to tight rope walk and another spends a weekend as a fighter pilot. You might be a little annoyed that these gluttonous swines are getting the opportunity to do things that you don’t, but take solace in the fact that people point at them in the street. 3:45am Fat Chance 4:10am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 4:35am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News
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6:00am CBeebies:Boogie Beebies 6:20am Tweenies 6:40am Big Cook Little Cook Cardboard Box. 7:00am CBBC:Batfink 7:10am CBBC:Batfink 7:20am Krypto the Superdog 7:30am Smile I was just stuck in the toilet for about five minutes. I slammed the door shut and then realised that with my inhuman brute force I had somehow managed to break the door frame in some way. The door had become lodged shut. I was on the brink of making an SOS call to TV Ellen but then I came up with an ingeneous plan which involved jacking the door open using my house keys. On opening the door the whole ceiling seemed to sink a little. I’m not being melodramatic, it actually did. But I remained manly and calm throughout. Plus I figured if I never got out I would never have to sit my exams and therefore never have to fail my exams and therefore always be in the toilet and never have to be homeless. Thumbs up!10:00am Film To Be Announced 12:30am Sunday Grandstand 12:35am French Moto GP 2:00pm Rugby League: Challenge Cup 5th Round 4:00pm Athletics: Great Manchester Run 5:30pm Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 6:00pm Coast 7:00pm Top of the Pops 7:35pm How I Met Your Mother 8:00pm Top Gear 9:00pm World Cup Stories 10:00pm The Office 10:30pm Funland 11:30pm Chasing Amy 1:20am Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners:Adult Learners Week: Skills 3:00am Adult Learners Week: Books 4:00am Adult Learners Week: Diversity
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6:00am Breakfast 9:00am Sunday AM 10:00am Heaven and Earth with Gloria Hunniford 11:00am Bargain Hunt 11:30am Countryfile 12:00am The Politics Show 1:00pm The Politics Show 1:05pm To Be Announced 2:35pm EastEnders 4:30pm Lifeline 4:40pm Points of View 5:00pm Songs of Praise 5:35pm The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 6:35pm To Be Announced 7:35pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00pm To Be Announced Well, I just asked Graeme if he wanted to retrieve the actual programme titles off the internet, but he said he couldn’t be bothered. I think there’s generally a feeling of lethargy in the office this week. What with the sun being so forthcoming and assignments and exams impending and the fact that this issue is ultra-slimline. BUT, I reckon this is probably gonna be the Eur... oh fuck, no it isn’t. I thought I was doing Saturday for a minute. But today is Sunday isn’t it. Gutted. Expect some sort of heart warming/sickening drama then. Maybe with Robson Green in it. Who cares? 9:00pm To Be Announced 9:30pm To Be Announced 10:00pm BBC News; Weather 10:15pm Panorama 11:00pm Film To Be Announced 12:45pm Sign Zone:Holby City 1:45am Sign Zone:The Line of Beauty 2:45am Sign Zone:The Armstrongs 3:15am Sign Zone: A Seaside Parish 3:45am Sign Zone: Downsize Me If I knew the correct spellings for the sounds used in Scat music then that’d be an awesome way of filling space.
6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Trans World Sport 7:40am Red Bull Air Race 8:10am Vee-TV 8:40am T4:One Tree Hill 8:55am Hollyoaks Omnibus 11:30am One Tree Hill 12:30am Yr Wythnos 1:00pm Maniffesto 1:30pm Big Brother 2:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:30pm A Place in the Sun 4:00pm Location, Location, Location 4:30pm Cwpwrdd Dillad 5:00pm 04 Wal 5:30pm Newyddion 5:35pm Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7:30pm Y Clwb Pel-Droed 8:00pm Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8:30pm Chwarae'r Cymoedd 9:00pm Con Passionate 10:05pm Newyddion 10:20pm Big Brother 11:25pm Phone Booth among today's youth, is also frowned upon by many Power Rangers fans. Power Rangers has almost become a cartoon symbol of the ‘emo’ culture, which has caused it to lose a few fans who grew up with the show. Good stuff hey? 12:55pm TV Heaven, Telly Hell 1:25am Big Brother Live 2:45am Beautiful Thing 4:20am Unreported World
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one to take on the Five Minute Fun page, starting in September. If you are interested then you should contact: editor@gairrhydd.com
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wives 19. German submarine (1,4) 21. Flatten clothing
TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21 Open packet…. Eat contents. GEMINI - May 22 - June 22 Wearing this superman costume will not enable you to fly. Boo hoo. CANCER - June 23 - July 23 Remove from packaging. Hang with attached string. Scented dolphin should hang freely to avoid staining of surrounding area. LEO - July 24 - Aug. 23 You will be forced by your peers and your undying followers to dress as a preacher man to be worshiped by all who adore you. You will go to the wrong place and get ass raped by a bunch of nuns. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 Apply liberally to the affected area two-three times daily. Avoid harsh soaps and hot water. Do not use on French polis surfaces or acrylic materials such as hi-fi covers. LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23 This week the stuff of your nightmares will come true. You will be ambushed by a group of ridiculously sparky Care Bears and taken to Care-a-lot where you will spend the rest of your natural born days trying to get a decent tummy sign. Preferred Tummy sign: The Claw. SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 Squeeze out a few drops of
? The Big Quiz Like the school yard bullies, not so big anymore.
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lubricant on to your finger and apply to the genital area. This can be reapplied as often as necessary. However, if additional lubricant is needed all the time please consult your doctor. SAGITTARIUS-Nov.23-Dec. 21 Combining both loves of your life may have seemed like a good idea last night but trust me, the squirrel won’t thank you for it. CAPRICORN-Dec.22-Jan.20 Like an emperor penguin you will spend your life marching, occasionally falling flat on your arse for my perverted pleasure along the ice covered floors of my high tech state of the art lair. AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Dashing and daring, courageous and caring, faithful and friendly with stories to tell, something and forest they sing out in chorus marching along till their song fills the air, Gummi Bears bouncing here and there and everywhere, high adventure that’s beyond compare, they are the Gummi Bears. PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Apply to wet hair. Gently massage and work into a rich lather. Rinse thoroughly. Repeat if necessary. ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 May contain nuts.
1. Who won The Apprentice last week? A. B. C. D.
Michelle Dewberr y Peter Ridsdale Dan Ridler Nick Leeson
2. Who is the new Welsh rugby captain? A. B. C. D.
Joan Jones Duncan Jones Tom Jones Kelly Jones
3. What did Tiger Woods pay £140,000 to rent? A. B. C. D.
Your mum A two-bedroom hovel near Roath Park A golf buggy made from Minks’ fur An entire hotel for the Open
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s Editorice Cho
Rodrigo y Gabriela @ Coal Exchange Sun May 21 7.30pm Harris recommends
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oday sees a performance by Mexican guitar duo Rodrigo y Gabriela. They play a mixture of instrumental Celtic, heavy metal, pop, jazz, and Latin music, just using two acoustic guitars. Gabriela states: “We don’t play flamenco. Our music is more like a blender, with rock ‘n’ roll and jazz. Do you want to hear some Metallica?” Originally meeting in a Mexican thrash metal band named Terra Acida in their late teens inspired by Megadeath and Metallica, Rodrigo Sanchez and Gabriela Quintero decided to travel to Europe after being frustrated with the confines of being in a metal band. They visited Denmark and Spain, then decided to stay in Dublin in 2000. They busked and gigged in local venues then got signed to Irish label Rubyworks and released their debut Re-Foc in 2002. Since then, they have supported many different artists in the UK and Ireland, including early fan Damien Rice, saxophonist Courtney Pine, David Gray, and Cuban group the Buena Vista Social Club, as well as playing various festivals. Their 2004 album Live Manchester and Dublin became the first instrumental live album to reach
P ic k of th We e e k
The Zutons @ SU Sun May 21 7pm / £16.50
Schmit recommends
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o introduction, however heartfelt or generous can really equate to the talent this band has. I will use some words though, as otherwise this would be a very short read indeed. The Zutons are one of a number of the UK’s finest bands that our wonderful team here at the Union have persuaded to take their place on the decibel-battered stage of the Great Hall. Last week we got the Rakes and the Mystery Jets, whereas this week we have the Kooks (and more importantly in my opinion) the jazzy joys of Scouse revellers, the
the Irish Top 10 album charts, and their third album, Rodrigo y Gabriela, released in March, went to the number one spot. It was written in Mexico, then produced and recorded in Bath by John Leckie, who has worked with the Stone Roses, Muse and Radiohead. Their website describes them as “gleefully blending and blurring musical genres in pursuit to their artistic vision - a direct connection with the hearts and minds of the audience.” The Fly comments that they are, “Energetic, percussive battering of the guitar bodies, and their distinctive but equally passionate playing styles”, while the Guardian calls them “technically brilliant”. If you want to experience a different type of gig to the norm and see two virtuosos in action, then Rodrigo y Gabriela are most definitely worth a look.
VENUES
Zutons. The Zutons formed in 2002 as a four-piece, with Dave McCabe providing the vocals, Boyan Chowdhury on guitar, Sean Payne on drums and Russell Pritchard on bass. This was shortly followed by the addition of the dynamic Abi Harding on Saxophone. In 2004 they released debut album Who Killed The Zutons?, which later that year went on to be nominated for the prestigious Mercury Award. Since that first album they have eased along, making more fans by the day than Delia Smith makes cooked cuisine (and notorious, ironicly laclustre rants for support
... . . k e e w s i h t o s l A
from Norwich City’s ‘12th man’). The Zutons produce the kind of music that cannot truly be summed up. You just have to listen to them to understand why they have so successfully united fans of pop, jazz, indie, dance etc (you get the message). Therefore if you are still searching for that gig memory that you can take away from univesity and rant about to your friends, I guarantee this will be that inspirational gig. Liverpool produce great bands (think along the Lennon-McCartney line, not the Heidi from the Sugababes line): the Zutons are definitely one of them.
Students’ Union, Park Place, 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park, 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach, 11 Womanby Street, 02920 232199, www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway, Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row, 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street, 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane, 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place, 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street, 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street, 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street , 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street, www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes, 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Canton, 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay, 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place, 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk Sherman Theatre, Seng’dd Rd, 02920 646900www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay, 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk CIA, Mary Ann Street, 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium, Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay, 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com
Vagina Monologues - All week @ New Theatre ... Morrissey - Mon 15 May @ St. David’s Hall ... The Kooks - Wed 17 May @ Great Hall ... Akira the Don / Sibrydion / Spencer McGarry - Thus 18 May @ Barfly ... Porchlight / The Steers / My Leonard - Thurs 18 May 2 Clwb Ifor Bach ... The Rifles / Switches / Vibration White Finger - Sat 20 May @ Barfly ...
Th e Ko ok s
Sport
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May 15 2006
sport@gairrhydd.com
Edging ahead continued from back page
joint top of the BUSA Premier League with two games to play. They play Glamorgan on Sunday, and a possible title decider against UWIC on Wednesday. Cardiff Second XI continued their fine start to the season with anothPHOTO: Adam Gasson
By Ed Jones Sport Editor
Southampton required 30 runs with six overs remaining. Cardiff turned to their quickest bowler Stewart to try and remove the tail. He struck twice in eight balls, reducing Southampton to
191 all out - 23 runs short of Cardiff’s total. After being in such a commanding position throughout the game, Cardiff relaxed at the pivotal stage, which could have been disastrous. Nevertheless, the win leaves them
SVEN’S LOST his marbles. No King, Bent, Wright-Philips or Defoe - there’s something fishy going on here, and I’m not talking about the contents of Michael Dawson’s lasagne. Either Sven’s signed a pre-contract agreement with the Swedes or, despairing at the loss of his best player, he’s decided to totally abandon his conservative philosophy. Either way, my Panini sticker album is going to be grossly inaccurate. Two fit strikers – one that got bullied at school and one that’s still at school. On the day the squad was announced, Theo Walcott was taking his driving theory test for goodness sake. Sven admits never having seen the kid play, but is keen to tell us that Arsene Wenger raves about him. If Wenger was that impressed, he’d probably have stuck him in the side once in a while. The England team’s entourage will certainly be a mixed bunch. From the pitch, Becks will be blowing kisses up into the stand to Posh, Walcott to his mother, Rooney to his chavy bird, and Jenas to Dar...... (Sniiip - gr lawyers) - all very cosmopolitan.
er convincing victory. Having won their first two games by 212 and 246 runs respectively, Sunday’s tie against Southampton was likely to be tougher. The pitch had enjoyed a day of rain on the south coast and was barely distinguishable from the outfield. Cardiff won an important toss and sent the home side into bat. From the very first over it was clear that making runs would be difficult. Opening bowlers Walleed and Price consistently found a threatening line and length, exploiting the dangerously uneven bounce. The wickets soon tumbled. Only the Southampton skipper, Max Joseph (21), was able to offer any resistance. However, Duncan Bell removed Joseph with a stunning awayswinger that struck the off stump. Although a last wicket stand of 23 edged the score toward respectability, Southampton were dismissed for 82 runs. A light shower made the pitch even more lively for the Cardiff batsmen. Ali Garnsworthy and Chris Allen were early victims. Opener Andy Cornick made a good start before he fell, leaving the score 20-3. Having lost early wickets on a lively track, it fell to Cardiff skipper Ed Jones to see his side home with five wickets to spare. Making 26 not out, Jones was supported by contributions from Ben Anderson (14) and Ali Price (15 not out) to clinch a convincing win in difficult conditions.
CRICKETERS: Five wins out of six
Dreaming of a white Easter By Rob Staruck Snowsports Reporter
Swede: Deranged I’m extremely jealous of anyone who’s travelling to the games. But they also have my sympathies, as they’re about to get blamed for every spilt beer, stolen schnitzel and broken patio furniture east of Calais. German police chiefs say they’re prepared to hold fans for up to two weeks without charge and haul visitors in front of judges within 24 hours for offences such as goose-stepping and performing Nazi salutes. Apparently der Polizei are also fretting about racist attacks from British supporters on the likes of Trinidad & Tobago. Never mind the racist abuse incurred by British players in Spain, Turkey and Serbia, or that it took the Germans themselves until 2001 to field a black player. The English game has embraced anti-racism initiatives in a way that puts most of Europe to shame. Those bloody continentals are too smug for their own good. Please don’t write in saying that’s racist. It’s not.
DURING THE Easter Vacation a select group of Cardiff skiers and snowboarders headed out to the Alps for BUSC’s Main Event 2006. For those not in the know BUSC is the British Universities Snowsports Council and is responsible for organising a large amount of the snowsport competitions for BUSA. While many may be thinking it is purely a competition, the main event is equally about social debauchery as it is about gold and silver medals. With this in mind, twenty-two Cardiff Snowsports club members headed out to the resort of Les Deux Alpes for a week. The snow was deep, the alcohol pricey and the sun shinning. After a rather unfortunate and disappointing result at last year’s Main Event for race captain and Cardiff sports bursar Jemima Barnes, this year’s was to be a film-worthy triumph. She finished first in the Super G and Slalom events while taking second in the GS. Such a finish meant that Barnes picked up the title of Queen of BUSC and hence won the BUSA championships for skiing for the university. Her team mate Jess Thom took 12th
place in the Suger G while Megan Turnball came 24th in the GS, startling the crowds in their multicoloured lycra suits, while powder demon Ian Stirk finished 11th in the super G, ninth in slalom and eight in GS. Not one to miss a winning opportunity, race captain Barnes, along with teammate Stirk, entered the Skier X on the penultimate day’s skiing. Skier X requires both a racing and freestyle ability meaning it can be won by any
Barnes: Mind the pole
skier, free-styler or racer. Although stripped of her aerodynamic suit, Barnes didn’t feel the cold, nor the pressure as she startled her teammates and fellow skiers to finish in first place. In the world of snowboarding, the term ‘stacking it’ was defining the state of play for Cardiff’s snowboarding team. Bryan Petherick, team captain, unfortunately began the ‘stacking it’ policy midweek when he took part in the boarder slalom, falling over midway down the course and destroying the strong chance he had of taking first place. However, he went on to take eighth in the boarder KO. Fortunately for the rest of the universities, and obviously unfortunately for ourselves, Cardiff’s snowboarding population mounted to a raw total of three, putting us out of the team slalom competition. To finish a mixed bag of a week, Rob Staruch took to the Boarder X course to try and salvage the week’s results. Although slick hot most of the week and looking to do well in practice runs, Rob wasn’t used to the tight corners of what became a slalom rather than a boarder x course. The blue and red flags were, along with the already nicely formed ruts, to become his nemesis seeing him stack it on several occasions.
Double
By Neil Watkins Football Reporter
Cardiff Ladies’ 1st XI.........7 Bangor Ladies’ 1st XI........0 LADIES’ FOOTBALL reigned supreme this season winning 16 games from 18 on their way to BUSA Cup and Welsh Cup triumphs. Cardiff finished the season with a 7-0 hammering of Bangor in the Welsh Cup Final, goals from Alex Joannides, Aileen Griffin, Louise Jones and Captain Emma Jones. Cardiff were a class-apart in the Welsh tournament and retained the cup with ease. The Easter break saw their greatest triumph, winning the BUSA Cup Final 1-0 against tournament favourites Loughborough. On a perfect pitch in Hertfordshire, the sports college could not break down a disciplined 4-5-1 formation from Cardiff. As the game progressed Cardiff pushed left wing Griffin further forward to support the lone striker. Good play up the right resulted in a crosscome-shot, which she headed in at the back-post to win it for Cardiff. Congratulations must go to all the girls in the club, who also turned out a second team this year thanks to the efforts of coach Gavin Williams.
LADIES’ FOOTBALL: Welsh cup triumph
CRICKET: Full match report
Page 30
SNOWSPORTS: Cardiff success
Page 30
Pages 30
gair rhydd
Sport Cardiff Firsts beat Southampton by just 23 runs
PHOTO: Adam Gasson By James Woodroof & Ed Jones Cricket Reporters CARDIFF FIRSTS have gone joint-top of the BUSA Premier League, after beating Southampton Uni by just 23 runs. After their demoralising loss at the hands of Solent, Cardiff were eager to put their demons to rest. Batting first, Cardiff changed tac slightly by opening with Steve Paul and wicket-keeper Greg Fury. Sadly it didn’t pay off, as Fury was caught at cover in the fourth over.
Debutant Will Butterworth joined Paul in the middle, and the pair added 85 for the second wicket, before Butterworth fell to leg-spinner Green for 27. Paul again showed grit, hitting his second fifty of the season, punishing anything short and wide. He was caught behind off Maurice, although whether he edged it is contestable. Cardiff’s middle order floundered once more, but luckily Oli Stewart and James Excell added sixty for the seventh wicket. Excell’s strokeplay was elegant, as Stewart kept the scoreboard ticking over, guiding the home side to 214-7 off their
allotted overs. With over four-an-over needed, Southampton never really got started, but looked comfortable at 32-2 off 10 overs. Their run rate began to increase until left-arm spinners Excell and Orr were brought on to bowl. Excell ripped through the heart of the middle order, leaving them 80 for 5 at the halfway stage. With the game seemingly in the bag, Cardiff took their foot off the gas, and it nearly cost them dear. Southampton’s number eight Pat Turk was considerably their best batsman, and he led the fight-back.
With eleven overs left, the heavens opened. Southampton needed 69 runs, and Cardiff were understandably reluctant to go back out in the drizzle and dim light. The umpires waited forty minutes before sending the teams back out, and it looked as though Southampton were confident of an upset. They kept up with the run rate until the 41st over, when Orr and Fury combined to remove Turk for a valiant 46. Eight-down, Southampton desperately clung on with Green offering resistance (22). Continued on Page 30
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7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Little Britain 9:30pm Grown Ups 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm BBC Three Outtakes Show 11:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:30pm Man Stroke Woman 12:00pm Mischief 1:00am Honey We're Killing the Kids 1:55am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 2:55am Grown Ups 3:25am The Real Hustle Who cares? This week, TV John has been listening to the folowing: Sunset Rubown, Angels and Airwaves, Whiskeytown, Calexico, Hot Chip, Tenpole Tudor, Aloha, Mogwai, Teddy Thompson, The Dresden Dolls, Bruce Springsteen and the Seger Band, Los Campesinos! The Suicide Machines, The Willard Grant Conspiracy, The Paper Chase, The Organ, The Gossip, The The, Baron Fuckabout, The Pope, and Leeroy Laffer.
7:00pm Arena: The Waugh Trilogy 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops 9:00pm BBC Young Musician 2006 10:00pm Living with Modernism 10:30pm Mr Loveday's Little Outing 11:00pm Frank Lloyd Wright: Murder, Myth and Modernism 12:00pm Tory! Tory! Tory! David Cameron attempt to cash in on the hipness of !!! and start up his own funky band. This week he signs a record deal. 1:00am Lefties 2:00am Never Mind the Full Stops....................................... ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ ................................................ .......................... 2:30am Living with Modernism 3:00am BBC Young Musician
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Energon 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 10:25am Emmerdale 10:55am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:40am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 8:30pm Test Drive My Girlfriend Watch this if you like seeing Sol from Hollyoaks dribble out of his wide essex chops while he wanks over other people’s birds while simulataniously rubbing fake tan all over his arse, sorry face. 9:00pm Kindergarten Cop 11:05pm Jack Osbourne Adrenaline Junkie 12:10pm Sure Fans United 12:40pm Married with Children 1:10am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am
6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am The Really Good Wake-Ups 9:00am The Really Good WakeUps 10:00am Best of Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Best of Whatever... You Want 12:00am Best of Whatever... You Want 1:00pm The Really Good Mix Tapes Starring TV John. I can’t stop listening to the epic three-CD dance music oddessy that he gave me. It’s even got Zombie Nation on there. Awesome. 2:00pm The Really Good Mix Tapes 3:00pm Brat Camp USA 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Beauty and the Geek: The Aftermath 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm The OC 10:00pm Boys Will Be Girls 10:30pm Girls Aloud: Off the Record 11:00pm Lost 12:00pm Peep Show 12:35pm The OC 1:30am Point Pleasant 2:15am Point Pleasant 3:00am Line of Fire 3:40am Line of Fire 4:25am Switched 4:45am Fool Around...
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6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:55am Mio Mao 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:35pm This Matter of Marriage 3:35pm Mrs 'arris Goes to Paris Mr Babbergevenny went to Abergavenny; Madame Zeo be Panero went to Rio. Yeah. 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men This is the number of men I want to marry. One of them will be a eunuch, and would act a bit like a glorified guard dog. 7:00pm five news 7:15pm For the Love of Eleanor 8:00pm House Doctor: Inside and Out 9:00pm CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10:00pm CSI: Miami Last week saw the modern day classic that was “giant snake being used to store drugs in, dies of an overdose after eating a teenage girl and her spikey shoes” being repeated. What ridiculous joy will unfold in sunny Florida this week? 11:20pm Prison Break 12:20pm Fifth Gear 1:20am NBA Basketball: The Play-Offs 3:50am ITU World Cup Triathlon 4:30am Race and Rally UK 4:55am Boxing: Fight of the Week
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6:00am The Cubeez 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Grudge Match 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder: Out of the Box 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am The Hustlers 10:20am Sticks and Stones Here are a few fun games to play with these items: Poohsticks (to be played with sticks, not stones), Target practice (10 points for hitting the forehead) Use stones for this one. If you are a Christian, why not choose a tall person to throw stones at? Then you’ll feel a bit like David did when he knocked Golliath out.11:10am Engineering at the Cutting Edge 11:35am The 100 Hottest Web Searches 2005 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 1:30pm I'm All Right Jack 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm Location, Location, Location 8:30pm Turn Back Your Body Clock 9:00pm Who Stole the World Cup? Brian Blessed 10:00pm Lost 11:00pm Flatliners 1:05am World Superbikes 1:40am South American Championship Football 2:30am Grudge Match 2:40am Dispatches 3:35am Unreported World 4:00am Puzzle Maths Not as fun as puzzle bobble, but then again nothing is. Perhaps Zuma is an exception. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you’re missing out.
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6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today Final countdown: You have just two days until my TV debut. That’s right, I will be making a brief appearance on this very programme in two days time. It will be easy to spot me; I’m the one looking like a twat. 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie Messers Walsh, Theroux, Patterson and Sixteenth get together for a barnie. Anyone else excited about seeing Jason Schwartzman starring as Louis XVI in Sofia Coppola’s new film? Hmmm? 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz Twatz. 4:30pm Airline 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm You've Been Framed! 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm The Ferret 8:00pm House of Horrors 9:00pm The Prince of Wales: Up Close How close? 10:00pm Murder Squad Germany outline their plans to overcome England in the Wold Cup. Arf! We’re just like The Sun. 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm TV Nightmares 8 12:00pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am Mum's On Strike 4:35am I Want That House Revisited 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News
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7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Come Outside 10:15am Summerton Mill 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Megamaths: Shape and Space 10:50am Megamaths 11:10am Horizon 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Science Clips 1:10pm Science Clips 1:20pm Science Clips 1:30pm Hands on Nature 2:00pm am.pm 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm The Apprentice: The Final 8:00pm Save Lullingstone Castle 8:30pm It's Not Easy Being Green 9:00pm Dan Cruickshank's Marvels of the Modern Age This is literally amazing. I watched his other programme and it blew my odd and most probably dirty socks off. 10:00pm Little Angels 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Tales from Spain Another tale from the TV Grace crypt. I know you love them. When visiting the Spanish island of Menorca, I ate nothing but chips for two weeks and returned home looking like a little tubby git. The next week I had to wear glasses for the first time. Not only was I fat; I also had four eyes. Traumatic. 12:20pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:GCSE Bitesize Revision 4:00am GCSE Bitesize Revision
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6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am This Little Farmer Went to Market 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Brief Encounters Starring myself and Marti Pellow. I don’t feel the need to elaborate, it makes me feel nauseous.2:50pm Homes under the Hammer 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:00pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm Really Wild Show 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm I Want It Now 7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm Holby City 9:00pm A Life of Grime 9:30pm Traffic Cops 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Week In, Week Out I have to sit writing TV pages in the blistering heat or arctic chill. I do it for YOU. This evening I foolishly left the house in some hideous (yet I love it) woolly Dynasty style jumper. By the time I got to this very office I had melted, leaving nothing but a soggy cone behind. Now I’m sporting some very uncool free tshirt. This’ll do nothing for my street cred. 11:05pm Boom Bang a Bang: 50 Years of Eurovision 12:05pm Medium 12:50pm Tunnel Vision 2:25am Sign Zone:Private Life of an Easter Masterpiece 3:15am Sign Zone:Animal Park: Wild in
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Grudge Match 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder: Out of the Box 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am The Hustlers 10:20am Sticks and Stones 11:10am Engineering at the Cutting Edge 11:35am The 100 Hottest Web Searches 2005 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Bobinogi 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Ribidires 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder: Becoming British 1:20pm A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:10pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Anifail am Wythnos 4:20pm Planed Plant:Martin Mellten 4:40pm Planed Plant:Wap! 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Y Byd ar Bedwar
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