gair rhydd - Issue 815

gair rhydd

FREE

ISSUE 815 MAY 22 2006

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972

QUENCH MEETS DOCTOR WHO

IN FR SI EE D E

GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

PHOTO: Adam Gasson

PLUS: OUR OWN DOCTOR (MATT) ON THE BEST MOVIE WEAPONS EVER

S K C A T T A X E S F O D E S U BOGUS CABBIE ACC

By Katie Kennedy Deputy News Editor THERE HAVE been five assaults on young lone females in the past six weeks by what police believe to be a bogus taxi driver.

Each victim was picked up in the city centre, but instead of being driven straight home they were indecently assaulted by the driver. Although a detailed description of the attacker has not been released, PC Bob Keohane of South Wales police could

say that all five victims of the assaults have described the assailant as an Asian male.

He also asked students to be cautious when getting into taxis, especially if they are on their own: “When getting into taxis people should look for a yellow sign on the back bumper of the vehicle, or if getting into a private hire vehicle look for signage on the doors by one of the main reputable Cardiff taxi companies.

“They should also look for the taxi

driver’s identification which should be attached to the windscreen along with a photo and check that this photo matches the person that is driving the car.”

However students are encouraged not to take taxis by themselves: “Our advice would be that if you have to get a taxi get one in a group and if you are the last person out get in the seat behind the driver so it is harder for them to do anything in that position.”

None of the victims that have come forward so far have been students, but

police have said for any students who have been the victim of such an attack, to contact them.

The news comes as it was revealed last week that a 17-year-old boy was assaulted after getting a taxi from the city centre and asked to be taken to Crwys Road, Cathays.

The driver did not stop at his destination, but instead at a few streets away where the attack took place.

Police are urging the attacker to come forward.

News

Page 2

May 22 2006

news@gairrhydd.com

At

a glance May 22 2006 News Editorial & Opinion Letters Mickelodeon Politics Jobs & Money Health Media Science/Environment Grab!

Dear Amber Television Five Min Fun/Scopes Listings Sport

1 6 8 9 10 11 12 14 16 17 18 19 28 31 32

EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Perri Lewis, Joanna Dingle, Katie Kennedy, Adam Millward POLITICS Andy Rennison EDITORIAL AND OPINION Georgina Easton, Edward Vanstone Sophie Robehmed SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Jane, TV Ellen LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor, Lisa Hocken SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN The Loaf SCOPES Stuart Jones HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou SUB-EDITOR Chris White PROOF READERS Abi Wise, Keiran Harwood, Wendy Woodhead, Corin Rogeerson CONTRIBUTORS Katie Kennedy, Rachel Clare, Kayleigh Excell, Helen Thompson, Adam Millward, Gary Andrews, Christopher Leigh, James Lewis, John Steggles, Adrian Raudaschl, Liz Stauber, Andy Rennison, John Tuscany ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union

E.COLI STRIKES AGAIN

By Rachel Clare Reporter FOUR MEMBERS of one family in Merthyr Tydfil have been struck down by the lethal E.coli bug.

So far known to be infected are two adults, a three-year-old boy and his 11-month-old sibling.

This has caused disruption at the

nursery school attended by the threeyear-old boy, as it has had to remain closed while all of the 43 children who attend are tested for the bug.

It was last Thursday when all teachers and pupils at nursery and reception classes at St Illtyd’s Roman Catholic Primary School in Merthyr Tydfil were sent home, following the discovery of the E.coli O157 strain.

NAMED £5,068: Dr Chris Bettinson

£5,068: Coun David English

TWO CARDIFF University lecturers owe taxpayers over £10,000 between them after they were allegedly paid the money unlawfully as senior Labour councillors.

Councillor David English, Deputy Director of the Centre for Journalism Studies, and former councillor Dr Chris Bettinson, a senior lecturer in French, are each said to owe £5,068 in allowances.

The news comes after the names of 10 current Labour councillors and 14 former members, who were given unlawful allowance pay-outs totalling £104,842, were released

by Cardiff council.

Last month the council recovery

committee agreed to authorise legal action to recover the money after being told that no amount had been repaid.

The council said that it was also looking again at the question of recovery of around £48,000 from eight further individuals on “compassionate grounds”.

Former Labour cabinet member Michael Michael, who represents Fairwater and has been asked to pay £2,866, said: “It’s in the hands of our solicitors and, therefore, I cannot comment”.

It is understood that the councillors argue that they accepted the money in good faith and received the allowances following advice.

This same strain killed a five-yearold boy last year.

While investigators are trying to find the source of the outbreak, families have been told to take extra care when preparing food, to make sure their children’s hands are washed properly and to avoid work until all of their symptoms have gone.

World class

By Kayleigh Excell Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY IS at the forefront of psychological research with the new Cardiff University Brain and Repair Imaging Centre (CUBRIC).

The £10 million CUBRIC centre, that opened March this year, holds the most advanced and sophisticated brain imaging equipment in the world.

Professor Peter Halligan, from Cardiff’s School of Psychology praised CUBRIC saying: “At Cardiff University we are creating a facility as advanced as any of its kind in Europe and North America – a facility that offers new opportunities for collaboration across a range of disciplines.”

Using this modern technology, researchers will study the brains of healthy people in order to understand what happens when things go wrong.

This could help to find new treatments for mental illnesses and conditions including schizophrenia, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, depression and violent behaviour.

WORLD CLASS: Brain research

FOLLOWING THE 12.6 per cent pay offer made by the University Employers Association (UCEA), talks at the negotiating table were, once again, at a standstill as union negotiators refused to put the much improved pay offer to their members.

The move prompted speculation that UCEA could walk away from talks and leave universities to settle pay claims at a local level, something Cardiff’s leaders are known to be in favour of.

The threat of local settlements has left the striking unions ‘battling’ to stop pay agreements being brokered at universities who can afford the increased wage bill, at the expense of lecturing staff at poorer institutions who may not to be able to make similar offers.

The week began with a message of reassurance from Cardiff’s ViceChancellor, Dr David Grant. In an email to all staff, he states that, “all examinations would take place as scheduled”.

In the midst of this, the NUS has been meeting with UCEA representatives to ‘insist’ that negotiations continue in order to resolve the dispute as soon as possible. It also emerged they have held talks with the Association of Graduate Recruiters to draw up plans should final year students’ results be delayed at any institutions.

In light of the NUS continuing to support the action being taken by the lecturing unions, the group of rebel student unions, headed by Bristol and Exeter, are said to be considering ‘withholding’ a percentage of their annual affiliation fee to the national body.

This week also saw Cardiff lecturers collecting signatures of support of students outside the Union, with over 100 being collected in an hour. A statement from Cardiff AUT went on to say that the numbers of signatures collected contrasted with the numbers of students who turned up to vote at the student council meeting, where student support for the action short of a strike was withdrawn.

Got a story? news@gairrhydd.com Tel: 02920781436

LOCAL FOCUS A soapbox for the views of Cardiff residents How long have you worked here?

A year and a half, since I gave up my masters. I did a degree in Philosophy at Cardiff beforehand.

What do you think of the students who come in?

They’re generally fine.

Name: Pete Harry Location: Pen and Wig Title: Team Leader PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH

STRIKE UPDATE

What percentage of your customers are students?

At night time, it’s mostly students, but during the day there’s a lot more office workers.

What are your opening hours?

11am until midnight, and until 1 am on Fridays and Saturdays.

Have you got any good deals?

We’re generally a bit cheaper than the other places around here. Our Carling and Fosters is only £2.05, and our wine is cheap too.

What are your most popular meals?

At the moment things like BBQ chicken or bacon and cheese melts, but at the beginning of July we’re changing our menu.

Have you got any good stories about the students who come in?

I’m not sure if they were students, but a group of Spanish girls passed out in the loo.

Do you have a message for the students of Cardiff?

Keep drinking!

Interview by Katie Kennedy and Helen Thompson

News

May 22 2006

Page 3

news@gairrhydd.com

STRICTLY N O POLE DANCING

By Helen Thompson Deputy News Editor PRESSURE FROM the National Union of Students (NUS) has forced the BBC to shelve plans for Strictly Come Pole Dancing.

The BBC’s Comic Relief had planned to include the show in their Sports Relief programme, before the idea came under fire from the NUS Wales Women’s

Campaign.

NUS Wales Women’s Officer, Bethan Thomas, said: “Comic Relief claims that it is seriously committed to helping to end poverty and social injustice.

“However, poverty is one of the main reasons that women are forced into the sex industry, and for Comic Relief to be glamorising pole dancing in this way seems to fly in the face of all the good work

that they have done.”

Katie Dalton, Deputy Vice President of Welfare and Equality for Swansea Institute of Higher Education (Elect) added: “Associating pole dancing with the respected name of Comic or Sports Relief and the BBC will only serve to create a permissive attitude towards sexual images of young people.”

Every four days a Welsh teen gets pregnant

By Katie Kennedy Deputy News Editor SHOCKING STATISTICS have revealed that, on average, every four days a Welsh girl aged 15 or under will become pregnant.

The figures that were leaked to the Wales on Sunday last week spurred health campaigners to call for better sex education.

At least four 13-year-olds in Wales expected babies last year, three of which were from the South Wales Valleys.

The news comes as it was revealed that an 11-year-old girl from Edinburgh will become Britain’s youngest mum after she lost her virginity to a boy of 15 on a drunken night out.

According to NHS numbers revealed under the Freedom of Information Act, 289 under-16s became pregnant in the last three years in Wales. But Melissa Dear of the Family Planning associa-

tion said that the children were not to blame.

She said: “We know teenage pregnancy is connected to deprivation, poverty and social exclusion as well as low educational attainment. But these figures are still too high and need to be brought down.

“When young people experiment we throw up our hands and blame them, but we need to put it into context, they need to have information about it and support from their parents, then they can make considered and informed decisions. Something along the way has failed.”

A spokesperson for the Welsh Assembly defended the sex education policy, highlighting that £3 million has been invested locally to support the development of sexual health initatives.

He said: “We have many excellent examples of sexual health promotion work in Wales including: sex and relationships education in school and community settings; schemes that provide free condoms for young people; relationship advice drop-in centres; and outreach work with vulnerable groups.”

ASTRONOMICAL FINDINGS

By Adam Millward Deputy News Editor A SCHOLAR from Cardiff University has become part of an international team to make a momentous discovery, which challenges traditional astronomical thinking.

Dr Iain McDonald, of the School of Earth, Ocean and Planetary Sciences, led the UKunit of the research team which discovered a 25cm fragment of fossilised asteroid.

The team, which included scientists from South Africa, Canada, America and, in collaboration with Cardiff University, the University of Glasgow, extracted the meteor from frozen magma, 766m below the surface, at the

base of the vast Morokweng crater, in the Kalahari Desert, South Africa.

Its discovery, while the scientists searched commercially for copper and nickel deposits, came as a shock, as previous meteoritehunters who have ventured there have all come away empty-handed.

It was believed that the asteroid had been wholly vapourised in its descent to Earth as, up until now, craters larger than four kilometres in diameter have relinquished no trace of the asteroids that formed them.

This discovery radically challenges traditional thinking around the collision between giant asteroids and our planet.

Dr McDonald admitted: “This

was a huge stroke of luck, as had the borehole been sited just a metre away, it may have missed the object altogether.”

He is particularly excited as these asteroid pieces are not only a first in their survival, but additionally, possess a unique composition.

He said: “Morokweng is no run-of-the-mill meteorite.

“It shows some striking differences when compared with other known meteorites, such as the absence of iron-nickel metal (suggesting) it may have come from a very different part of the parent asteroid.”

Astrology fans can see fragments of the meteorite for themselves in the Antenna Wing at the Science Museum from May 11.

World News

Page 4

May 4 2006

news@gairrhydd.com

CRACKING THE CODE

By Helen Thompson Deputy News Editor

BLOCKBUSTER The Da Vinci Code’s release has been shrouded with disapproval about its controversial religious content.

The film, based on Dan Brown’s novel, is facing bans across Asia, with Jordan, Lebanon, Egypt, Syria and the Philippines all confirming that they will not screen it.

Protests against the film’s premise that Jesus married his follower Mary Magdallen and had children whose descendents have survived to this day have been raging worldwide.

The film, which opened at Cannes Film Festival on Wednesday, has

offended Christian groups internationally.

The secretary general of Jordanian Council of Churches, Hanna Nour, claimed the film “harms Christian and Muslim religious symbols by calling into question what is written in the Gospels and the Koran on the personality of Christ.”

Reviews have been scathing about the movie, which cost £57 million to make.

Even cast member Sir Ian McKellen used the word ‘codswallop’ to describe its content.

Director Ron Howard said the film was ‘entertainment, not theology’, at the Cannes press conference, while

Tom Hanks defended its controversial content, saying that cinema should be challenging.

Although the Vatican condemned the film, and 2,000 Roman Catholics marched through Mumbai in protest with placards saying ‘stop hurting our faith’, others have called it a blessing in disguise.

Some American Christians see the story as a bridge to non-believers.

Greg Beatty, from Springfield, USA, considered it “a chance to teach people a whole lot more than they might otherwise have learned if they hadn’t read the book”.

There will be plenty of fuel for

discussion, as the novel has sold over 60 million copies worldwide, and the film’s creators are hoping to take over £15 million in the first-week of British box office takings.

Sir Ian McKellen pointed out another reason why Christian groups should welcome the story, saying: “I know the Catholic Church has problems with gay people. I would have thought this was absolute proof that Jesus was not gay.”

The Da Vinci Code is in cinemas now.

World News

By Ceri Morgan AT LEAST 11 people have been killed and over one million evacuated after a typhoon hit Southern China.

Power lines were knocked down and homes flooded as the typhoon hit the coast.

The typhoon – named Chanchuwas the strongest typhoon to have struck the region during May. Vietnam has asked China for help in searching for 27 fishermen still missing after Chanchu sank their boats.

In the Guangdong province two children were killed instantly after the severe winds brought down their home.

ANGRY: On the loose

Barking mad

By Katie Kennedy Deputy News Editor

Best of friends

By Ceri Morgan Science & Environment Editor WASHINGTON HAS renewed full diplomatic ties with Libya, removing the country from the US’s list of state sponsors of terrorism.

Libya’s foreign ministry welcomes the move, as they believe it would give a major boost to “economic and political ties” between the two countries.

The US ended diplomatic ties in 1980 following the storming of the US embassy in Tripoli by protestors. Libya was also held responsible for the 1988 bombing of a plane flying over Lockerbie, Scotland, in which 270 people were killed.

In the last ten years, Libya has handed over the Lockerbie bomb suspects and denounced weapons of mass destruction and long range missiles.

The removal of the country from

CONDI: Diplomat ic

the US list of state sponsors of terrorism will lift restrictions on arms exports and foreign aid, as well as boosting economic activities between the two countries.

US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, who made the announcement, said Washington took the decision ‘in recognition of Libya’s continued commitment to its renunciation of terrorism’ and it’s ‘excellent cooperation’ in the US-led war on terror.

Various Arab television channels have suggested the move may be a reward from the US for Libya giving up its weapons of mass destruction programme, but Libya’s foreign ministry information chief, Hassuna al-Shawesh, denied the allegations. “This is not true,” he told the Al-Jazeera television network.

“As for this reward talk, politics knows no rewards. It knows interests, relations and calculations.”

LESSONS IN how to understand the different ways dogs bark are being offered by Peterborough city council in an attempt to cut noise pollution.

The course, which is taught by the Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra), will teach dog owners how to identify noises made by their dogs, including howls, growls, and tooth snapping.

It is hoped that the free masterclass, which includes teaching from a vet, a dog behaviourist and a nurse, will enable superior communication between dog owners and their pets, as well cutting the numbers of complaints about barking.

Peterborough’s City council wants to reduce the 1,300 complaints that

they currently receive about noise, 15 per cent of which relate to the barking of dogs.

The free training was arranged as a part of this week’s Noise Action week and will teach owners about the different ways dogs communicate and how to sound like them too.

Defra, who have issued a report into the problem, said: “Animals that have evolved to live in groups tend to have complex language systems this is particularly true of the dog because it has evolved from animals that are co-operative hunters and share rearing of their young.”

Rampant ‘phant A FAMOUS elephant has escaped from a game park in Rwanda, and is terrorising local villages.

The bad temper of Mutware the elephant is so renowned that last year the US issued a security warning about the mammal, advising US visitors to the game park to be especially vigilant.

Last year the elephant destroyed at least three vehicles in the park, but according to his former keeper: “He only gets really angry when he is hungry”.

HAIRY: Shayne Warne

Warne-d

PUPPY LOVE: Masterclass

AN ADVERT for a hair treatment company which featured an endorsement by legendary Australian cricketer, Shayne Warne, breached advertising rules, the industry watchdog has ruled.

The Advanced Hair Company used a celebrity to endorse a product that contained medicine, the Advertising Standards Authority found.

The company argues that Warne was promoting the firm, not the particular laser therapy treatment containing the drug minoxidil, and will ‘robustly appeal’ against the decision.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 6

May 22 2006

opinion@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd

FREE WORD Taxi trouble THE RECENT spate of sexual assults on lone young women getting into an apparently unlicensed cab after a night out, is a horrifying trend to see developing in the city.

With all the victims to date being in the same age range as the majority of Cardiff students’, many of whom enjoy one or two nights out on the town, people cannot remain oblivious to the risks any longer and must begin to take responsibility for their own safety.

Although we all feel like we’re unstoppable on a night out with our housemates or course friends, the reality is that sooner or later it is time to head home, and the same sense of complacency is allowing the perpatrator of these recent attacks the chance to opperate.

We are all very fortunate to live in a student friendly city with plenty of entertainment, much of it offered weekly in our very own Union, to occupy our time spent outside the lecture theatre.

The city is also overwhelmingly safe thanks to the ongoing work of the authorities, who continue to do an excellent job in providing safe student areas in which to enjoy ourselves.

As we report in this weeks paper, there are a number of simple measures students can adopt in order to minimise their chances of finding themselves in an undesirable situation.

Checking for yellow ‘licensed taxi’ plates on the rear of any potential cab, looking for the signage of well know taxi firms, as well as asking to see a drivers ID card are all good starting points.

It is important to note that well over 99.9 per cent of the taxi drivers in Cardiff are completely legitimate and will therefore have no problem showing you their ID card, after all the chances are that they want the offender caught just as much, if not more, than those who are at risk of attack.

This is clearly a case of a single opperator tarring a whole proffession with a collective brush, and without Cardiff’s dedicated taxi drivers, many students would have tired legs after the walk back from a night out in town.

The only way to remain safe is to remain vigilant, if you’re out in town and see something you feel is suspicious, note any details you think might be helpful and thencontact the authorities.

We are all students studying at the same University, we all enjoy our lives here in Cardiff, so let’s keep an eye out for each other when we are out and about enjoying what the city has to offer.

A reminder for Tony, As some of the most powerful people in the country join in Andrews imagines the consequences of scrapping the law

T

o allow one man out because it breaches his “human rights” may be an unfortunate accident. To let a bunch of Afghan terrorists - okay, planehijackers, but let's not quibble here, they're asylum seekers, which amounts to pretty much the same thing - go free under human rights legislation just looks careless.

But the system that let Anthony Rice out is not at fault here, and it's only partially the fault of the judges who allowed the spongers to stay in Britain and rape our women, or something. No, the real villain of this piece is the deeply-flawed Human Rights Act. So goes the world according to Sun editor Rebekah Wade, who's launched a campaign to repeal the 1998 Human Rights Act, Tory leader Dave ‘Bandwagon’ Cameron, who's pledged to scrap it, and naturally the Maximum Tone, part marching to the beat of Rupert Murdoch's drum and part out of his own desire to out-Tory the Tories on crime, has decided the judges and the laws need changing (notwithstanding that he was the man to introduce them).

Without The Human Rights Act there’s always the rent-a-mob public The Sun has been going into full-on rant mode, highlighting examples of these ‘barmy’ laws that should make us quake in our nightshirts before we

CAMERON: No go to bed, lest we wake up dead in the morning. Although, whether this is from being murdered by a shouldhave-been-deported asylum seeker, or through frothing at the mouth due to the sheer incompetence of it all, is unclear.

But Marcel Berlins, writing in the Guardian, is right in his assertion that the government wouldn't face this problem if they took more care over the drafting of an implementation of their laws. The Human Rights Act may have its flaws, but it is a law of the land and you cannot blame the government if the judiciary interpret it accordingly - that is their job.

Rather than try and look at the flaws in the system and see where they can be fixed, Tony and Dave issue another tough soundbite to appease Angry of Barking. The Human Rights Act has become a bit of a pain to Blair as it has an annoying habit of interfering with his anti-terror plans. After all, it is terribly inconvenient that we can't send people we don't like back to countries that might indulge in a little bit of torture. Not that the memorandums of understanding will be worth the paper they're written on: “Will you torture these people?” “No, guv, honest.”

“Promise?” “Yes.” “That's okay then.”

But led by Pied Piper Rebekah and her knee-jerk army of 35,000 loyal readers who've phoned in to abolish the act (which is the equivalent of a small town, so if we just withdraw the Human Rights Act from Barking and nowhere else, presumably everyone will be happy) the course is set, and nothing less than the scrapping of the act - and a withdrawal from Europe if possible - will suffice.

But what will we actually lose by getting rid of the Act? Taking a cue from It's A Wonderful Life, let’s imagine an alternative country where the Human Rights Act does not exist, and our brave threesome have to negotiate a strange, yet horribly familiar terrain.

Article Two of the Human Rights Act grants the Right to Life, but do away with that and if I take it upon myself to chop up Cherie Blair, Ross Kemp or Samantha Cameron into small pieces (how tempting), then appeals to authority may well be met with the answer: “What'cha gonna do about it? They've no right not to be killed.”

Article Three states: “No one shall

BLAIR: No, no be subjected to torture or to inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.” So when Bekka is arrested for beating up Ross again, or Tone or Dave get taken down on corruption charges, there’s nothing to stop the police giving them a damn good kicking, followed by asphyxiation via gas masks; gang rape and anal rape by a glass bottle (Tony’s good friends in Uzbekistan are to thank for that); sleep deprivation and amputation of limbs (Saudi Arabia); subjected to electric shocks (Egypt); or, for good measure, hung upside down and beaten while cigarettes were stubbed out on their bodies before being submerged

HORSES: Scary as hell

Editorial & Opinion

May 22 2006

Page 7

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Dave & Bekka criticism of The Human Rights Act, Gary which is integral to a decent society under water, then cut with bayonets (Somalia - a country the Sun doesn't think it too dangerous for somebody to be deported to).

But the fun doesn't stop there!

When the police finish with them, why not sell them into slavery? That's no problem, as Article Four, which prohibits anybody being held in slavery, servitude or forced to perform compulsory labour, won't be there to trouble anybody. I bet a girl like Rebekah with her flowing ginger locks, would fetch a pretty penny on the sex trafficking market.

But should the police decide to pass Tone, Bekka and Dave onto the courts then the threesome may find themselves longing for Articles 5 and 6.

Should the authorities so decide, their guilt will be assumed from the start and a show trial convened with the express aim of locking them away for as long as possible (Article 6 - Right to a Fair Trial). In fact, why bother with a trial. Just lock them up indefinitely without charge (Article 5 - right to liberty).

But if the police didn't bother,

When the police finish with them, why not sell them into slavery? there's always the wonderful rent-amob public, the kind who can't differentiate between a paedophile and paediatrician. Without Article 7 - no punishment without law - there's nothing to stop Tone, Bekka and Dave being strung up from the nearest lamp post.

Which, for many, would seem like natural justice.

WADE: No, no, no There's not a moment of peace and quiet either. No, Article 8 - right to respect for private and family life means there's nothing stopping us finding out the exploits of Euan, Kathryn and Leo Blair, sticking a photographer in the room when Dave and Samantha get down to it, or reporting word-for-word all of Bekka and Ross's bust ups. Don't think we wouldn't be able to get hold of it.

Should Tone want to get away from it all by having a quiet word with God - perhaps along the lines of "Oh Lord, what country should I bomb next?" then he could find himself whisked away. None of your religious types

here, mate. You have no rights to freedom of thought, conscience and religion (Article 9). That includes you Wade. Don't even think of moving to edit the Mirror like your friend Piers did. That's thought-crime, and Mr. Murdoch doesn't take too kindly to that.

Tony, David, want to complain about your unfair treatment? Tough, there's no Freedom of Expression anymore (Article 10). We decide what you say. But Bekka, you might want to pay special attention to this. Since its inception, Article 10 has provided a key defence for your newspaper in numerous libel trials, not to mention breach of confidence law and protecting your employee's sources. But if you want to get roundly hammered in the courts by every Tom, Dick and Jane Celebrity go ahead. It's Rupert's money, not mine.

And as for marriage (Article 12 Right to Marry), don't even think about it. We decide who you marry, and I can think of no better partner for Tony Blair than Janet Street-Porter, Jade Goody for David Cameron and Osama Bin Laden for Bekka.

Had enough yet? Want to revert to reality now guys? We could always drop you off in Somalia, Afghanistan, Sudan or Yemen so you can see just how dangerous these places are if you need any more convincing.

Like George Bailey coming to his sense on the bridge, it can only be hoped Bekka, Dave and Tone rush back to embrace their dear friend, the Human Rights Act. But I wouldn't hold your breath.

Next stop, a cell in Iran via Guantanamo.

Toilet Trauma

By James Lewis

I

am partial to kebabs. You have to accept certain realities if you wish to entertain such a fondness to re-processed pig’s guts, eye lids, foreskins and the rest when living in – (queue dramatic orchestral music) “duh-duhderrr…” a house with girls...

It’s quite the challenge having, containing and controlling diarrhoea in a house with female occupants. Your digestive system becomes a log flume to all you consume; indiscriminately carrying everything straight in and straight back out. With this comes the questionable disappearances every ten minutes, the squeaky spitting brush flicking splattering sounds emitted from the closed WC door and, of course, the moist stench and steamy mist, followed by the shame ridden 15 metre dash back to your bedroom.

When in this situation, you can find yourself running back to one’s room after each foul discharge, light footed like an angel with your head down as to avoid any eye contact whatsoever with your humiliated, shamed eyes.

Despite the unquestionably necessary natural process of excretion, one can never endure exposing it to the opposite sex, even if there is no intention of “getting with” the female, or females (if you know what I mean...) in question. It is a complete offence, I believe, to allow them into that locale of your life.

Diarrhoea is a major pitfall; there is no way to hide or recover from it, leaving one to serve up and eat up a fat slice of humble pie. Not all hope is lost however; if you are fortunate

enough to have ‘regular’ lower abdomen movements and a toilet/shower room combined, one can make use of the ‘stealth-pootechnique’, or ‘S-P-T’. This process begins with lining the toilet with loo roll, so as to avoid unwanted splash noises and (the dreaded) ‘toilet-water-splash-back’. You then proceed to get on with your business, ensuring you flush immediately, open any closed windows, then, and only then can you step into the shower (take at least ten minutes to allow smells to diffuse).

By the time you have finished, no one is any the wiser that you have just committed the traitorous taboo act of, dare I say it, a ‘number two’. One can then exit the washing area with your head held up high, completely satisfied that no one else will ever know of the recent exchange between yourself and your little white porcelain friend.

Or for the laymen out there ‘the crapper’.

Horse Racing: not big or clever

By Christopher Leigh

S

omeone once asked me if I wanted to attend a race meet. I said I would rather have a cavity search by Edward Scissorhands, but thanked him for the offer. What is it with horses and sitting on their backs and kicking them in the ribs? If you happen to be an 11-year-old girl then you’re probably screaming, “Yes! I want one for my Birthday!”

But when you become an adult and shake off the fads and phases of childhood, what would possess you to want to ride a horse?

Everybody has a particular televisual kryptonite. Something that, should they enter a room during its broadcast, causes them to run (possibly in slow motion) to pull the plug from the wall before anymore can pass their retinas.

For some people it’s golf, for others it’s programmes about how to buy furniture and arrange it in a room, for me it’s horse-racing. I just can’t bear it; I actually think that it’s one of the only

things in life that inspires deep-seated feelings of hatred in me for every terrible facet of its existence.

Everybody has a particular televisual kryptonite Firstly, I hate horses. They’re bigger than us and I don’t like that. I don’t like the fact that, if you walk behind them, they’re liable to drive a metalshoed foot into your solar plexus. I don’t like the way you have to hurt them to make them do anything. Get kicked in the ribs by a metal spur for long enough and I’d riot, I just don’t want to be there when the horses do. I don’t like the way that, when you ride them - and I have, once - you have no control over the direction or speed they go. Pull the reigns one way and they go the other, pull the reigns back and they continue to charge at warp speed over hedges to deposit you in a pile of their

own manure.

Secondly, I hate jockeys (I am fuelled by hate and hate alone). I hate the way they’re so small and so spritely; they are like the bad fairies of every four-year old child’s worst nightmare made flesh. I hate the garish get-ups they wear and their tight testiclerevealing trousers. I hate the way they have to weigh themselves before each race like boxers do.

Which brings me to the cruelty. You see, I am a vegetarian, a regular Dr Doolittle, and if I see an animal in distress it shocks me to my very core.

Racing horses is no different to breeding battery chickens or throwing your cat out of your bedroom window; it’s cruel and it shouldn’t be allowed.

Seeing one of those anorexic little turds flailing around on a horse’s back really annoys me. I know I said I didn’t like horses, but I don’t want to see them get hurt either. And I don’t want to see them collide with one of those hedge-like hurdles and cause a fourteen-horse pile-up and then see their prone bodies get injected with Death

Serum by a caring Vet. The only good thing about those big bust-ups of horse and man is that occasionally the jockeys die.

Racing horses is no different to breeding battery chickens Thirdly, I hate the way horse-racing is always broadcast on TV. Why can’t it be one of those pursuits that goes on in middle England every day but doesn’t get televised, like swinging or lynching? It’s only televised so the sad saps that mope around betting offices can calculate their losses, anyway.

Fourthly, I hate the kind of people who own horses. Those who don’t escape that childhood obsession and actually buy a horse and keep it in a field, visiting twice a week, otherwise leaving the poor beast to think, “just what the hell is this whole life game all about?” You know the type of gal.

Thunder-thighed and with a laugh like a bag of cats falling down a lift shaft, she’ll wake up on Baltic January mornings, walk across her village to the field to scrub the frozen excreta from underneath the horse, and feed him chocolate. Then, all through the summer, she’ll ride him around the town. Trundling along at 1mph, she’ll beckon for you and the thirty other cars behind you to overtake, instead of moving the set of buttocks you see in front of you onto the pavement.

Lastly, I hate the racing cognoscenti. That great, gesticulating, shaved ape John McCrirrick is possibly the worst human being ever outside of World War Two. And I hate the top-hatted prats, and the women who wear dreadful flowery dresses and scream, “Come on Draft-Dodger, I’ve got a crown riding on you!” Surely they’ve got enough money without betting on which little poisoned imp is going to maim his horse over the finish line first? opinion@gairrhydd.com

Letters

Page 8

May 22 2006

letters@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd letters page ‘Menon, can you please come to the diary room please?’ Guess what, everybody? Another season of Big Brother is coming our way.

Once I have finished my exams, I will be glued to the telly (or perhaps not). Seriously, I am getting a bit fed up of this show. Every year, it is the same old crap. Is such-and-such going to sleep with such-and-such? Is such-and-such going to have a fight with suchand-such? Don’t get me wrong, I liked the show in the ‘good old’ days when Nasty Nick was booted out. Then again, If TV John is on the show, it would be worth watching. Enjoy the letters. Menon.

Mind Your Language SOME TIME ago, in the gair rhydd, there was some debate about the relevance of the bilingual policy of the University with regards to advertisements etc.

Anyone wishing to put a poster up has to produce a Welsh version as well in order to comply with this rule, am I right?

While I am all for this policy, being of Welsh origins myself (although I can't speak the language), shouldn't this rule work in reverse?

For example, shouldn't the Welsh only articles printed in Taf Od, as mentioned on this letters page last week, also be printed in English, so as to comply with the bi-lingual policy?

On a completely different note, the new Solus burger bar, also as mentioned on this page last week, should not just be closed at 2am, as the person was complaining about, it should be shut for good!

Granted, it does to some extent discourage people from buying dodgy burgers from illegal street traders; however it makes the place smell like a seedy City Road kebab house. The whole of the vicinity of the burger bar stinks of grease.

Why did it have to be located inside the club?

T Fourth year

Jerry Stinger I READ WITH INTEREST your item on the show 'Jerry Springer: The Opera'.

The show describes itself as 'blasphemous', and its portrayals of Jesus

Christ and God the Father are far more offensive than the Danish cartoons which we don't talk about.

After the fuss which saw no major paper publish these cartoons, I expected Alun Pugh to call for the Wales Millennium centre to pull the performance and issue an abject apology for even considering staging a performance sure to inflame tensions betweenthe secular and Christian communities, the director being suspended while hisactions are investigated.

I further expect that Respect and the Socialist Workers' Party will protest outside the Millennium Centre, demanding that free speech be used responsibly, while the Churches will be allowed a full-page article in somenewspapers, protesting the play.

On second thoughts, perhaps not (this is not intended as a dig at gair rhydd, by the way).

Am I the only person to detect a distinct whiff of hypocrisy among the great and the good?

Gerard Charmley

Grammar Grumble HAS THE time come for letters to the gair rhydd to be edited on grounds of spelling and grammar?

Good writing obviously isn't all that important in the grand scheme of things, and I wasn't too bothered at first - but then in Issue 813 I read this: “While accusing others of for failing to do there research properly, Mr Mickel goes on to claim...”

Is there any chance this kind of thing could be avoided in future, at least so students don’t have to be subjected to the illiteracy of the Chair of the Student Council?

Text: 07791165837 Tell katie to give back sam’s thong. AND the sausage please. Sam is desperate and needs them at work tomorrow.

For the last time, i’m not fat- i just have a big ass.

Ross pizzas and burgers should be banned

Simon blackweir, one word TWAT!

Kann ich mit dem Gesellschaftsführer sprechen?

Why is Flora street turning into millionaires row?!

Annette crosses lines.

You’re shit Uwic. Big whoop, wanna fight about it.

Did you have an erection when I was in you room?

You’re hot and I’m horny

Uwic, piss off back 2 your own union

Yo, meli, i lost the game.

What you going to do about it?

letter of the week Alley of Death I HAD A CHUCKLE at the embittered third-year’s anti-city-centreclipboard-rant and thought I’d add an experience I had last week.

It was a beautiful morning, the sun was out, the birds were singing and the blossom was mellifluous in the air. I had taken an early stroll into town through Bute to purchase some fruit and veg from the market stalls.

But after neatly evading the Big Issue f***ers, I sauntered down Action Aid Alley.

No 1.

I stared straight ahead; “No, it ain't gonna happen.”

“Woh, dude, chill out, yeah?”

A Distressed English Lit Student

A Load of Balls THE SUMMER Ball is going to be a load of rubbish and all my housemates are forcing me to go.

I am currently a third-year student and my housemates want me to go because it could be the last opportunity to see some of our friends. If I don’t go, I will be bored and lonely.

However, I have been there, done that and got the ‘snake-bite’ stained Tshirt to go with it.

But, if I do go, I will have to spend all night listening to Rachel Stevens, Simon Webbe and the Bloc Party DJ Set. I would rather listen to a pneumatic drill at nine o’clock in the morning.

It would have been nice if the ‘real’ Bloc Party showed up. But to hire their DJ set is taking the piss. I want my university life to finish with a bang.

Futhermore, on top of the shit bands playing at the ball, it costs £35 for a ticket. That’s extortionate to say the least. It’s not like we are getting a meal included in the price. My society ball in February cost less, despite the fact that a five-course meal and champagne reception was included.

On top of that, I will have to spend

I’ll chill you out.

No. 2.

All of four seconds later; “Ha, seriously, just leave it.”

“You’ll be saving the world, man!”

With a pound?

I staggered to the stall and bought some nectarines and pears. Then I noticed my predicament. No way was I going out the way I came in. I had two options; either I tackled two No Issuers (which, by the way, is probably second only to the International Jehovah Witness publication in terms of ultimate shitness), or one circus freak of an Action Aidess; I chose the latter.

No. 3.

She did a kind of Baloo the Bear dance from all of thirty yards away to

try and ‘catch’ me. I managed to escape her grasp with a panicky sidestep, thereby nearly falling flat on my grumpy-bastard face.

“Come on then, what’s your excuse?”

What’s my excuse?! What’s yours, biatch?

Grrr.

I refused to let it ruin my day. And that, I think, is the key. You see, street campaigners are like children really; all sweet (although testing) and smiley with very noble but ultimately flawed causes.

Don’t let them ruin your day. Just smile and politely ask them to piss off.

a huge fortune on a tux. Hiring a decent tux will cost at least £30. I don’t mind spending some money, but this event will cost me at least £100 including booze. My student loan is running out fast, especially with my graduation coming up (fingers crossed).

In addition, the venue is too packed and there is no space to move. Last year I had to queue for a beer for at least half an hour. It would be cheaper to spend a night in Tiger Tiger.

Anyway, rant over. I am sure there are other people who have the same opinion as me. I will probably have to dig deep in my pockets, and buy a pair of ear plugs for the event.

good to see things are getting better for future generations of Ball go-ers.

All those who disagree, fair enough, all those who don’t I’ll see you at Coopers Field.

Does anyone know where Rachel Stevens will be changing before the event?

Disgruntled Third year

Balls of fire THIS YEAR’S Summer Ball line-up looks set too be the best for several years. Full stop.

Putting on an event like this inevitably means you won’t please everyone, but I feel that the Union has done a good job of pleasing most of the people most of the time this year.

The Ball is a great way to say farewell to another year in Cardiff, and although I won’t be back next year it’s

Tobes, Enlightened First year

Sunbathing third-year

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life? Want to get your point across to the Cardiff student population? Then you’re in the right place! Email us your letters on the above address.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also feel free to note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

Comment

May 22 2006

Page 9

mickelodeon@gairrhydd.com

MICKELODEON 4 8 15 16 23 42

Social AUTcasts

B

ored of the boycott yet? Of course you are. It’s been almost ten weeks now, and with the unions rejecting a 12.6% pay rise offer, there’s still no end in sight to the most ridiculous industrial action since the matchmakers strike.

You may notice from the increasingly strained headline that this is a topic we’ve stuck with for a while, but it was only last weekend that the national media sat up and noticed the gentle academic massacre unfolding in campuses around the country.

Now we’re stuck into the exam period we can start to see where everything is going. People here at Cardiff will have their exams (although the same good luck wasn’t extended to Aberystwyth students, who have had 45 exams cancelled). Even if we don’t have any clue when we’re going to get our marks back, at least once the boycott is over and everything is marked, we’ll have full degrees.

Despite what the AUT may claim, the action is still having an effect on students here and now. I had the good fortune to have lecturers who have willingly returned coursework, now that we have exams around the corner.

Without it, I’d be blithely drifting towards a 2:2 in one module, and wouldn’t be able to rectify that in time for my exam.

Don’t believe any boycotter who suggests that their actions will not have an effect on students Don’t believe any boycotter who suggests that their actions will not have an effect on students; a student who doesn’t get their coursework back in any particular module is at an immediate disadvantage.

Working in the other direction, one module that normally has a test on supervised computers has had to be left to the wilds of Blackboard, for students to complete whenever they wanted to in a 24-hour period. There were therefore no controls on what resources were used or whether people worked together, in what is known in testing circles as a ‘piece of piss’ - and this contributed to students’ degrees.

The AUT action is creating an absolute balls-up of the exam period.

Still, the good nature of my own lecturers does help to underline the difference between them and the AUT leaders, such as the union’s General Secretary Sally Hunt (pictured). An offer of 12.6% was made by the university representatives - and the AUT

LECTURER: So, we still have no decent pictures of the boycott INSET: HUNT: Rhyming slang management didn’t even bother putting the offer to their members.

Whilst 12.6 per cent may not be enough to make up for low pay in the past few years, it means that the issue can be set aside until then. Heck, 12.6 per cent in any other profession would be jumped on. To not even put the offer to the AUT members shows that there isn’t really that much interest in resolving the issue. Sally Hunt may believe that lecturers ‘expect their employers to treat them with some dignity and respect’, but it isn’t a courtesy that has even once been extended to students, given how long this dispute has been dragged on.

Still, it’s an interesting note on which to be thrown out of the educational system. A significant number of the graduating year (me included) are the lucky folk who’ve been the educational guinea pigs for most of our lives. There were the experimental Key Stages, followed by the newly split A-level system; graduating late is just the last chance the education establishment have to dump on us from a great height before we enter the big wide world.

But what really riles is that the unions continue to argue that the boycott is not their responsibility, but the responsibility of government and the employers. No, they are responsible for low pay. The morally reprehensible action the AUT insist on pursuing is squarely their fault and no-one else.

It’s clear that the lecturers’ action is going to have an effect on students.

For any lecturers who are reading this that are supporting the boycott, then please reconsider the effect you are having, before you ruin the past three years work of your students.

FEAR OF THE WEEK AS I MENTIONED last week, exams and coursework never fail to bring on a season of terror and fear for poor people who don’t get to leave the house anymore.

Yesterday I had to walk to the other side of town, past all sorts of people that might try to assault me at any moment. When I bumped into someone I knew the relief was so overwhelming I almost asked them to walk me home.

It’s putting me in touch with some of the true terrors of my childhood.

Hmmmmmm...

■ For a long time as a child, I was convinced that Jesus lived in the window of our downstairs loo. If I missed the toilet then he wouldn’t love me anymore.

■ One for the Essex contingent: the giant in the Jack and the Beanstalk part of Never Neverland, Southendon-Sea. Although in retrospect it looked uncannily like Zordon from Power Rangers.

Goody two-shoes W riting about ‘Welshness’ right (despite the fact she actually in a Welsh newspaper is managed to get most correct).

It would be less obnoxious had the a notoriously difficult thing to do; one false move and author managed to realise that Jade, with you’ll be strung up faster than Bermondsey-born Bermondsey being in London, is not you can say ‘hypocritical’.

But one thing that has consistently an Essex girl. It seems to have bothered me whilst living here is a escaped the patronising author that common blithe insistence by many Essex, constituting the most populous county Welshies that ESSEX: Best. Shield. Ever. in Britain, is people from not in outside Wales London. don’t know Sarcastic anything about comments it, whilst at the about her same time the knowledge of accusers geography invariably are somewhat don’t know undermined their Dover by statements from their about the Doncaster.

‘Essex girl The South who knows all Wales Echo, about tormented however, has family life and truly outdone London slang yet itself this time. With has no idea what Jade Goody visiting asparagus is’, or most town to sign books, impressively of all, slag‘journalist’ David James ging off the ‘Bermondseytook the chance to try and born Essex girl’. belittle her in one of the most Considering how ultra-sensitive painful pieces of writing to grace the an organ the Echo is with anything it paper recently.

The interview that Jade Goody perceives to be even slightly antihad been good enough to give the Welsh, perhaps they would like to paper consisted of them asking ques- take a few geography lessons themtions on Wales, and making snide selves before they start having a pop comments when she didn’t get them at anyone else.

NOT: In my toilet ■ At the end of the local news on TV the slogan ‘Closer to Home’ came up on screen, but the slanty writing made it look like it said ‘Closed to Home’. I was convinced that my parents would get taken away for intercepting military broadcasts.

■ For most of my 11th year, I was gripped by an unassailable fear of Dover Prison.

■ For as long as I’ve sat exams, I’ve had a morbid fear I’m going to wee myself when I’ve sat there waiting for it to finish. (Why do so many of my terrors have to be urine-based?)

■ Between the ages of about eight and eleven, every time I had a shower I was convinced that Attila the Hun was going to get me.

I’m not really sure at what point in the year I started using this column as my personal psychiatrist couch, but don’t worry: I only have four issues left to purge my mind of this nonsense.

Next week: The priest, the vestry and my secret shame

Politics

Page 10

May 22 2006

politics@gairrhydd.com

GOOD LORDI Arise, Sir Menzies

By John Steggles Political Correspondent

F

orget G8 meetings or United Nations summits, the annual highlight of the political universe is the Eurovision Song Contest.

Nothing else but this single yearly event draws out so many issues whilst also underlining the sheer ridiculousness that politics can breed.

To list all the controversy over last year's event would take a double-page spread. The best issues of contention really did 2005’s Eurovision proud.

Two months before last May's event, Lebanon withdrew from the competition after refusing to broadcast Israel's performance, and the Ukraine ran into trouble for their entry being far too political, with a song echoing the sentiments of the recent Orange Revolution.

As the day of judgement drew

ture from Finland’s usual, relatively harmless contribution.

Finnish Death Metal, for so long in the shadows, is coming to a TV set near you.

Many Finns however are worried

Finnish Death Metal, so long in the shadows, is coming to a TV near you about the far-reaching social and political consequences of this bold experiment. In fact, some have even requested that the President intervene, and use his jurisdictional clout to prevent damage to Finland’s reputation for inoffensive banality.

Better yet, analysts have claimed that Lordi’s victory at the selection process is a sign of a rising student movement disgruntled with the

ROCK: The new face of Swedish Eurovision near, the Germans were accused of foul play in their selection process, while Belarus passionately begged Nottingham to support their entrant, as the UK city is twinned with Minsk.

Then to cap it all off, Greece won the contest itself. And everyone knows the Greeks are always causing problems.

The best issues of contention really did 2005’s Eurovision proud This year, Serbia-Montenegro has pulled out after Serbia disputed Montenegro's winning entry following the selection battle. Unable to find a solution, and having exposed years of deep-rooted political contention in the process, the country has succumbed to its own issues and will not feature in Athens this Saturday.

Now Finland, that bastion of muted musical indifference, is causing a furore over its 2006 entry: Lordi - The Lord to you and me.

Their composition, Hard Rock Hallelujah, is something of a depar-

Finnish establishment - and with rubbish Eurovision results.

Analysts? Student movements? It is easy to think that some of these countries are taking Eurovision a bit too seriously.

Whilst we have Terry Wogan and his barbed sarcasm, I imagine that former Soviet bloc nations have a command HQ that rivals NASA’s Houston to oversee every second of Eurovision action.

But why?

The thing is, most European nations have little to make a noise over. Victory in athletics costs investment in education and facilities; success in diplomacy requires nuclear weapons; economic triumph needs a history devoid of Communism.

But music needs only a few guitars, a synthesiser and a voice box.

For one night, citizens who only have electricity for ten hours a day have a chance to revel in intercontinental glory.

It is perhaps not surprising then that Eurovision without fail gets so intensely political year after year.

Maybe it’s worth the inane folk ditties and Scandinavian Satanist rock if it lets the little people into the spotlight, if only for a night.

By Andy Rennison Political Editor

O

h Sir Menzies, things just aren't working out for you are they? There go Blair and Cameron, battling away under the spotlight like two enraged circus monkeys. But when it's your turn to take a stand, half the House go out for lunch, the other half fall steadily into a coma.

In the last week the Liberal Democrat president Simon Hughes has suggested that their new leader needs more time to prove his worth in the Commons. But Westminster time is currently at a premium.

The local elections have whizzed past, the Tories are metamorphosing into some tree-hugging centre-right freight train, and Labour is plummeting towards the depths of political meltdown. Now is not the time to wait and see.

Take last Wednesday's Question Time in parliament. Sir Ming asked only one question: whether or not Iraq and Guantanamo Bay would be sorted out by the time Blair leaves office.

That is plain useless. Firstly, people have asked that question about Iraq a billion times, and Tony’s hardly likely to say ‘No’. And Guantanamo?

Somehow I don’t think the PM’s going to give any satisfying guarantees over an issue that is three thousand miles away and under American jurisdiction.

The problem with Ming is that he doesn’t know how to use his age. With the youthful locks of Cameron and the early fifties of Blair, Ming had a possible trump card up his sleeve with his mature years.

He could have assumed the platform of authoritative experience, settling down the young contenders with the tone of a General wielding nothing but a rod and a moustache.

Instead, Ming has become like the incontinent granddad at the dinner table, quietly asking over and over for another helping of peas while the grandchildren fight over the last ham.

Depressingly, it comes down to an image crisis. Even Campbell’s name is an issue: Sir Menzies. People have some respect for Knighthoods: Sir Sean Connery, for example, a legend in his field. But it is an honour that doesn’t sit well in politics.

People hear ‘Sir Menzies Campbell’ ring out from their TVs and pull a sceptical frown. Knights aren’t real people, they’re elevated individuals who own land and have met the Queen. What do they know about helping out the little people?

Of course being on the honour’s list doesn’t render someone a useless party leader, but it sends out a subconscious image that they’re not someone you could have a pint with. Maybe a large Scotch, next to a roaring fire. But not a common pint.

But even with this issue, Sir Ming has the opportunities to build a successful party. The Liberal Democrats have always suffered for not having a leader

respectable enough to forward their leftist policies; the last guy turned into a drunk, and the one before that had a first name that nobody could really take seriously, ‘Paddy’.

Ming’s weathered maturity should be the perfect match to the party’s liberal agenda. Instead, he has been totally eclipsed by Cameron’s hollow panache and even Blair’s sweaty perseverance.

Indeed, the Lib Dems have had so little airtime over the past few months that the Tories have been able to swipe the mantle of environmental champions without anyone putting their hand up and asking ‘Wasn’t that a Lib Dem trophy?’

One word came up time and again in response to the Liberal’s mediocre performance at the recent local elections: ‘flatlined’. If there was a heart monitor hooked up to Ming and his party right now, that would be a similarly a d e q u a t e description.

The Tory pulse is up at an alarming rate, Labour’s is failing, but the Lib Dem’s isn’t even making a beep.

SIR MENZIES: Incontinent? You decide

Jobs & Money

May 22 2006

Page 11

jobs@gairrhydd.com

The finals countdown Strikes, stress and revision, now’s not the best time for students Jobs & Money get tips from the experts on how to cope with finals

S

o it’s that time again. When the most frequent word on everybody’s lips is ‘exams.’

They mattered at GCSE until we did A-Levels, on which the entire fate of our future seemed to ride. But even they became a distant memory where, at uni, the parties could start and the exams didn’t really count, until now.

Finals. That dreaded ‘f’ word. And with it the same feelings of dread, stress and panic flooding back. Surely, this is ‘make or break’ for my career?

Yet, this is not the case, says Gordon Campbell, an English professor at the University of Leicester.

Although many students think that achieving a 2:2 or less is the end for their career, only students themselves are likely to take exams so seriously.

“Employers are more interested in students involved in different activities, than they are in exam results,” he says. Indeed, research has shown that it is skills students acquire outside the classroom, that really impress employers.”

With regards to the exams themselves, Campbell says the key is technique rather than having an amazing memory: “What’s being measured is not how good you are at your subject but how good you are at being examined. What we’re not looking for is feats of memory. The best answers just answer the question.”

He also points out that many of the exams for this year will simply be ‘elegant variations’ on previous questions.

He advises to go through exam papers, pick a few topics that come up each year and practice, practice, practice.

EXAMS: Just think, It could be a lot worse Stress is also a major concern with regards to exams, preventing students from thinking properly, which, in turn can lead to illness and overwhelming feelings of pressure.

“During exams, people disobey the rules of life,” says Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Councelling and Psychotherapy.

“They don’t eat or sleep enough, then good pressure becomes bad stress.”

The best way to avoid stress is to find a balance between work and play.

Student jobs ‘essential’ OFFICIAL FIGURES show the number of university applications to have fallen for the first time in six years, following the introduction of fees.

Those not who do still go to uni are increasingly having to work in order to keep up with the cost of university life. As a result, demand for student jobs has soared.

Chris Eccles, managing Director of Employment 4 Students, a leading internet student company, comments: “The university top-up fees are having a huge impact on university life and the cost of student living and as a result we have experienced a significant increase in demand from students for term time and holiday jobs since the fees were introduced.”

He goes on to say: “Because there is such strong demand for part-time jobs, students are having to be more organised and arrange employment in advance of

arriving at university. As a result of the pressure to reduce the cost of student living, Employment 4 Students has also focused a large section of its website on price comparisons for a wide variety of products and services including car insurance, mobile phone tariffs, sports quipment, travel deals and electrical goods.

Chris explains: “A huge proportion of students are facing the prospect of graduating with debts of over £20,000 and we realised that students want to use the website as a tool to save money as well as earn money.

Employment 4 Students offers up to date information on parttime, holiday and gap year jobs, as well as internship opportunities and a selection of jobs abroad. A new and improved website is being launched later this year which will provide an improved job alert system and a more extensive job interface.”

“You need to alternate between tension and relaxation,” says Hodson.

Constructed study - by dividing revision into 40 minute bursts, followed by a five-minute break - helps. Exercise and relaxation is also crucial.

“A brisk walk or run at lunchtime and before exams, for example, will reinvigorate the brain and help beat stress.”

Earth Science student, Hannah Thomas, from Cardiff University, found a revision technique that worked

for her: “I tried to make the most of the mornings by getting up early and going for a swim before revision. Even if I was really tired, a swim would wake me up and make more energised to cope with my work. By doing some exercise in the day I would also feel more able to sleep at night. Studying with a course friend also helped me to cope with stress.”

Eating healthily is also important.

Although snacking on crisps and

chocolate is an easy option, they tend to give brief sugar rushes that can leave you hungrier and more lethargic than you originally were.

Instead, snack on dried fruits and make sure you drink plenty of water.

Consuming red meat and green vegetables are also good to keep up iron intake, and oily fish is a good source of Omega-3 fatty acids, good for improving memory.

Procrastination is also one of the worst evils around exam time: “The first technique is to eat that frog!” life coach Jonathan Jay says. “Get the worst done first and you’ll feel a lot better when you’ve got it out of the way.”

From frogs to elephants, he then proclaims: “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Break things down and do them bit by bit. When you see them in bite-size sections, before you know it you’ve done it.”

To study effectively it is also essential to have the right environment, something which is not always easy in student accommodation.

Separate work from play and set aside specific times to revise, turn off any distractions and get yourself a designated work area free of clutter.

“Clutter - get rid of it,” demands Feng Shui consultant Raymond Catchpole. “Get rid of anything that is irrelevant to study.”

Finally. don’t panic. Like GCSEs and A-levels they are not the be all and end all. An employer will be more interested in you, not the degree.

Page 12

N IGN AIG PA MP AM CA H C TH LT AL EA HE H R,, UR OU FO K F EK EE WE W N ION ITIO RIT TR UT NU N

Health

May 22 2006

health@gairrhydd.com

A spot of bother?

Last week’s news that the anit acne drug Dianette may be leading to an increase in cases of depression among female users prompted Health to investigate this common ailment

By Liz Stauber Health Correspondent AN ACNE DRUG is being investigated over concerns it may increase the risk of depression.

The Medicines and Healthcare Regulatory Authority Products (MHRA) has ordered the review into Dianette, which is licensed as a hormone treatment for severe acne.

Dianette is used only in cases where other treatments, such as oral antibiotics, have not worked.

APRIL (Adverse Psychiatric Reactions Information Link), says it has details of more than 100 women who say they became seriously depressed after taking Dianette.

It is can also be used as an effective contraceptive, but doctors have been warned that they should not prescribe it solely for that purpose because it has a higher risk of blood clots than other similar combination pills.

Women who take it are supposed to

stop within three or four months of their skin problems clearing up.

The manufacturer's information leaflet does warn that one possible side effect of taking the drug is ‘mild depression’.

Millie Kieve, who runs APRIL, said: "The doctor should warn these girls that if they are depressed, it could be Dianette, instead of putting them on antidepressants.”

A spokeswoman for Schering Health Care, which manufactures Dianette, said: “Severe depression is listed in the patient information leaflet as a reason for stopping Dianette immediately. Depressive moods are also listed as a possible side effect.

The description of psychiatric reactions in the product information for healthcare professionals and patients is currently being reviewed by the MHRA. The product information (including the Patient Information Leaflet) will be updated if necessary.

DIANETTE: cause of depression?

Treatment

By Adrian Raudaschl Health Correspondent

T

o control acne is by preventing the pimples from ever forming.

By using a combination of topical solutions you can generally prevent and battle the acne. Oral, prescription medications are used when the case is more severe such as when disfiguring cysts and deep scars occur.

First of all, if you think you have severe inflammatory acne you should go to a trained dermatologist. The solutions here are only for milder acne and are just samples.

You can use these medicines on your face, back, chest, neck, or wherever else you have acne. Here is a list of medicines that are in many of the acne products. I'll tell you what each one of the medicines does so you'll know what to look for in the products.

Benzoyl Peroxide - A key antibac-

terial agent used to fight acne. It also helps to dry up the skin to clear up pimples. Benzoyl Peroxide is most commonly found in face washes and creams to put on acne.

Salicylic Acid - Used for unblocking pores so the face can be cleaned. Most commonly found in face washes and body scrubs like Clearasil.

Sulphur - Extremely effective in absorbing excess oils and calming inflammation. Usually found in facemasks.

Kaolin - Also known as China Clay, it helps absorb excess oils from the skin. Usually found in facemasks.

Hydroquinone USP - Gently and gradually lightens dark areas of skin caused by acne. Found in skin lightning lotions and products.

Natural Acids - Help renew skin by removing dead skin cells and balancing skin tone. Found in skin lightning lotions and products.

By Ness Roche Health Correspondent UNFORTUNATLEY, acne affects most people to some extent at some point in their lives.

Although it is most common in teenagers, as it can be highly aggravated by puberty, it can also occur in adults up until the age of 40. Whilst the condition is not severe it can lead to permanent scars, which can cause emotional distress.

Acne is the term for plugged pores (blackheads and whiteheads), pimples, and even deeper lumps (cysts or nodules) resulting from the action of hormones and other substances on the skin's oil glands (sebaceous glands) and hair follicles and occurs on the face, neck, chest, back, shoulders and even the upper arms.

It is not really known why some people do not get acne and others do, but it is thought that the most likely factor is your genes. Other factors that may be influential are; hormonal activity, stress, accumulation of dead skin cells, allergies in the skin, anabolic steroids and some other medications.

Despite what your parents might say, acne is not usually caused by dirt.

This misconception probably comes from the fact that acne involves skin infections. In fact the blockages that cause acne occur deep within the narrow follicle channel, where it is impossible to wash them away. These plugs are formed by the cells and sebum created there by the body. The bacteria involved are the same bacteria that are always present on the skin.

Regular cleansing of the skin can reduce, but not prevent, acne for a particular individual and very little variation among individuals is due to hygiene. Anything beyond very gentle cleansing can actually worsen existing lesions and even encourage new ones by damaging or overdrying skin.

The good news if you do suffer from acne is that there has been a lot of research done on it recently and there are many excellent treatments available, so there is no need to hide away.

Your GP should be able to help you straight away to get your skin clear and healthy relatively fast.

Skin: She’s never had acne

victoriahall Cardiff QUALITY EN-SUITE STUDENT ACCOMMODATION Wish to continue living in halls next year?

Information packs for all full time students available from January 2006 for the 2006/07 academic year and summer 2006 For an information pack

Tel: 02920 359500 email: cardiff@victoriahall.com

Blackweir Terrace Cardiff CF10 3EY Telephone: 02920 359500 website: www.victoriahall.com email: cardiff@victoriahall.com

Caretakers on site 24 hours a day Door entry system and CCTV security Television & Sky package included in each flat Fully furnished & equipped self contained flats On site management office Direct dial telephone in each flat All bedrooms have en-suite shower and toilet room Location within 5 minutes walk of Universities Laundrette on site

Media

Page 14

May 22 2006

media@gairrhydd.com

The who’s who of

As the deadline for the national student media awards 2006 approches, Media investigates

By Heather Casey Media Editor

T

he office at gair rhydd partied hard last year, and deservedly so, after taking a hat-trick of awards at The Guardian Student Media Awards 2005.

This year all eyes are on Cardiff to repeat the success, and after the high standard of entries and praising comments made by top-class industry judges at this years internal awards, it would be easy to say it looks promising.

However, being complacent and cock-sure about these things would only undermine the work done by this years editorial staff and contributors.

Not only that, it ignores the fact that thousands of other students across the UK neglect their degrees, social lives, and stay up until dawn on a weekly basis to see their papers go to

print on time.

As the deadline for entries to The Guardian Student Media Awards 2006 draws near, Friday July 7 to be precise, Media investigates and speculates on some regional and national competition for this year’s awards.

The Guardian Student Media Awards are in their 27th year and draw judges which span the broadcast and print industry.

The competitive title of Best Student Newspaper rewards annual winners with £1,000 and a week’s worth of work experience at the Guardian for the editor of that title, the same goes for the winner of Student Magazine. The awards themselves look quite pretty too.

Welsh student papers REGIONALLY, WELSH student newspapers vary in production, quality and indeed the language of their publication.

Swansea produce a fortnightly addition of ‘The Waterfront’, divided in 10 different sections and produced solely

in English it has a student readership estimated at 20,000. In competiton to Quench, The Front a magazine formated pull-out is usually found within every other issue.

Contacts and content can be found online at www.waterfrontonline.co.uk.

The University of Bangor produce Seren, (‘Star’) which is dubbed: ‘ your English Language’ newspaper.

Available monthly from the Student Union, it is one of two print publicat i o n s available to students at

Bangor. Welsh publication ‘Y Ddraenen’ is reportedly produced a couple of times a term and has a reputation for being very popular with the Welsh speaking student community.

Information about both publications can be found at the following: www.undeb.bangor.ac.uk/seren, just don’t try to ring them with a breaking story there’s no phone to be put through to.

Finally, Aberystwyth print The Courier. Reports differ to being printed monthly to five times a year. The magazine has been running for about 50 years and distributed free throughout halls and town.

Aberystwyth also produce a Journal of World Affairs which is said to be the oldest student run journal in the UK.

Who do we hate, and why?

By Geordie Jaded old cynic

Y

ou might wonder what the point of student media awards is – particularly our own, Cardiff-only bash, which one web commentator branded as ‘sad’ the other week. Surely it’s better to have the good opinion of 20,000 students rather than a handful of judges, whatever their stature?

Well, pooh. Competition promotes excellence. The oddest thing about the Cardiff awards is the absence of any truly visceral rivalry. I congratulated Andrew Mickel when he won Best Columnist. (Though I did try to shave his eyebrows off later.)

It’s not like that at the national awards. Our spats with some of the

country’s other student newspapers would benefit from President Bush drawing up a roadmap to resolve them.

Even comedian/presenter/crack fiend Russell Brand – a man for whom the word ‘narcissist’ could conceivably have been coined – noticed that at the Guardian awards last year nobody clapped unless it was one of their colleagues winning an award. We’d like to think we’re budding ‘meeja’ professionals, but when the chips are down, we’re really just petulant kids.

But everyone loves a scrap. So, whom do we despise the most?

Where to start?

York Vision: this one’s mostly player-hating. Vision took prestigious awards three years on the trot, much to our (and everyone else’s, no doubt)

annoyance. The real gripe was that they could win awards for both Best Newspaper and Best Small Budget Publication: they only put out a handful of issues each year, while we do this every week.

We’d like to think we’re budding ‘meeja’ professionals.

We’re actually petulant kids Their time may have passed, however, and we beat them last year.

They (and, at the Mirror, we) were also beaten by York’s other student publication, Nouse (pronounced

‘nooze’, to sound like certain pronunciations of ‘news’, and to rhyme with York’s River Ouse, not, as their nowbeleaguered campus rival would have it, ‘no use’). In their defence, Vision’s Jonathan Bray took Best Columnist last year. This just makes me hate them more, personally.

The Oxford Student: probably our biggest competition. I don’t wish to tempt fate, but if we don’t win, these guys will. We did, at one time, have quite good relations with Oxford – when one of their reporters was suspended in the course of an investigation last year, our Student Council mandated the Executive to write to them in support of their journalist.

Then when we printed those cartoons, they dedicated an editorial to describing it, inter alia, as “infantile attention seeking”. Even if we leave

out their apparent inability to do some simple fact checking, which would have let them know that it was an honest mistake, the last thing we needed was a publication that we had previously supported capriciously putting the boot in. Later, we found out that the good folks at Oxford are constantly complaining about how much money gair rhydd has. The irony of people at Oxford griping about elitism seems to be lost on them.

The Leeds Student (they all have such original names…): well… they’re just awful people.

We’re not proud of our puerile rivalries; it’s just how it is. You’d probably be the same, too. Bad winners, worse losers. Come next awards season, we’re hoping it’ll be bad winners.

Media

May 22 2006

Page 15

media@gairrhydd.com

UK student media

the local and not so local competition your gair rhydd will be going up against this year

English Student Papers THE UNIVERSITY of York are frankly double trouble. For about twenty years the University has produced newpaper York Vision, which broke all records in 2004 by winning the title of Best Student

Newspaper for three continuous years at the Guardian Student Media Awards.

It is published three times a term and is geared towards local rather than international issues. However, Vision are in close competition, literally with another newspaper produced on campus called

Nouse.

Winners of 2005 NUS/Daily Mirror awards, Nouse were runners up to gair rhydd in 2005 for the top prize of best newspaper. Content can be Vision at found on vision.york.ac.uk, however the website is slow and not in chronological order.

Other newspaper competition also resides in Northern England, this time in the form of the Leeds Student.

Found at www.lsweb.org.uk, much content is offline at the moment because of a ‘rebuild’.

Its published weekly and was historically formed by merging the Leeds University Union newspaper, and the Leeds Metropolitan University newspaper. However in 2005 Leeds Metropolitan voted to dissafiliate from The Leeds Student because of under-representation.

In 2001 the Leeds Student were runners-up to gair rhydd in the Student Campaign award. gair rhydd took the gong after an investigation into ‘dodgy’ bonds on student letting in Cardiff, and proposed a ‘Bond

Bank’ initiative for the union to adopt.

Finally, The Oxford Student. Known as ‘The OxStu,’ it is one of two student newpapers at Oxford University, the other being Cherwell, an weekly inde-

pendent. Started in 1992 they’ve produced over 300 issues and have a range of nominations and awards under their belts.

Page 16

Science & Environment

May 15 2006

science@gairrhydd.com

Nuclear by 2017

After months of speculation over the government’s stance on nuclear power, Tony Blair tells us that nuclear power is the best chance we have of securing Britain’s energy future

By Ceri Morgan Science & Environment Editor

supported new reactors as long as renewable energy sources were developed and used at the same time.

It seems the public do not wish to soley rely on nuclear power.

Some environmentalists think of nuclear as a renewable option, however. A switch to large scale nuclear power could result in a dramatic cut in carbon emmissions.

T

he nuclear industry has announced that a series of new nuclear reactors could be up and running in Britain as early as 2017.

The announcement follows Tony Blair’s endorsement of a new generation of nuclear powerstations last week.

Mr Blair warned that failing to replace the current ageing plants would fuel global warming and endanger Britain’s energy security, and said that “the energy policy is back on the agenda with avengeance”.

Industry chiefs welcomed the prime minister’s clear stance, saying it came at a “crucial time”.

Keith Parker, chief executive of the Nuclear Industry Association, said: “Nuclear energy is a large-scale, lowcarbon source of electricity generation that, as part of a diverse, balanced energy mix, can help to ensure security of energy supply.”

Areva, the French nuclear company which has already designed new plants in Finland and France, said its reactors were ready to be implemented in the UK. Taking into account the different stages of building a plant, Areva says 2017 is a realistic timetable to start electricity generation - as long as the planning process is streamlined and the government comes to a decision on long-term waste storage.

Government experts have said that Britain needs to build an underground bunker for nuclear waste, which is volatile and can stay dangerous for

Tony Blair: “The energy policy is back on the agenda with avengeance”

NUCLEAR: The future? thousands of years.

The building of the bunker would take up to three decades, so in the mean time any waste from potential new reactors would have to be stored on site.

This adds weight to the argument of anti-nuclear campaigners, who are quick to reference Chernobyl, as well

Science in brief Jumbo Jet THE AIRBUS A380, the world’s largest passenger jet, landed in Britain for the first time last week.

The 555-seat aircraft has two decks, and was developed at an estimated cost of £6bn.

It has been hailed as the most environmentally-friendly passenger plane ever built, with a low fuel consumption per seat.

However environmental campaigners argue against planes, saying the world needs to move towards less air travel to combat global warming.

Widespread wi-fi THE TELECOMS giant BT has signed deals with twelve councils to fit wi-fi antenna to street furniture to create zones where people can access the internet.

Cardiff, Edinburgh and

Birmingham are among some of the areas to be fitted with wi-fi.

BT said they were spending millions on the scheme, but expected costs to be re-couped from information services whose customers use wi-fi.

The new technology could also be used to support CCTV systems or to give real-time information about traffic jams or parking spots.

Pollution fine THE ENVIRONMENT Agency has been fined £7,500 for polluting the River Exe in Somerset.

It is the first time the group has been fined in it’s ten year history.

During September last year a sub-contractor building a flowmonitoring station on the river inadvertently leaked toxic building waste into the main tributary.

Judge Jeremy Griggs said: “It is suprising to find the Environment Agency as a defendant in the dock.

as the new terrorist risk.

Greenpeace said Tony Blair’s stance on nuclear was “recklessly incompetent”.

Tony Juniper, from Friends of the Earth, said: “This is not a chance comment, it is a political set-piece. He’s trying to soften the ground and get us all angrily running about in the hope

that by the time the final report comes out in July we’ll all be bored of arguing about it. We won’t.”

The British public also remain sceptical about the secrecy and safety record of the nuclear industry.

A recent survey by the Tyndall Centre for Climate Change Research concluded that 60 per cent of people

The final decision to build a new generation of plants will not come from the designers, but from the power companies which operate in the UK, such as British Energy.

The main fear of the nuclear industry over their future in the UK is the drawn-out planning process required for major building projects.

A similar situation arised in the US, which was alleviated by George Bush dramatically altering the planning process. Now the US will have five new plants in operation by 2015.

Many other countries have also chosen the nuclear option to meet energy demand and curb the large increase in C02 emmissions.

Ministers are keen to point out that this will not develop into a nuclear versus renewable situation, but hopefully a future where renewable options are still explored for future generations.

Help others and Help yourself!

Help in the development of tomorrow’s medicines today! & receive a payment of at least £350, which increases depending on the duration of the study

Simbec Research Ltd are currently looking for volunteers aged 18 to 75 years who can offer their time to participate in clinical studies at our modern unit in Merthyr Tydfil

For further information Contact: 0800 691995 or email: gareth.marshall@simbec.co.uk Merthyr Tydfil, CF48 4DR

grab!

May 22 2006

Page 17

competitions@gairrhydd.com

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

EDUCATING RITA eatre! h t e e s t s u M

Check out gair rhydd’s interview with Ruth Jones in this week’s Quench magazine.

THE Sherman Theatre Company are giving Willy Russell’s well-loved modern classic a brand new lease of life in their contemporary production of Educating Rita.

Starring popular TV actress Ruth Jones (Little Britain.

Fat Friends, Nighty Night) and Steve Spiers (Extras, Pirates of the Caribbean, Doctor Who), the play boasts an extremely talented (and very Welsh) cast.

Jones makes her theatre debut playing Rita, a fiesty, brash and ‘in yer face’ woman who takes up the challenge of completing an Open University study course. But all does not run smoothly: her tutor, Frank (Spiers), is a stuffy, dull academic who gets more than he bargained for when Rita walks into his stale, alcohol-imbued life.

The play is running at The Sherman Theatre (next to the Students’ Union on Senghennyd Road) from 1-17 June 2006. Tickets are priced at just £15 and can be purchased from the Sherman Box Office: 029 2064 6900.

But, as ever, we lovely ladies at grab! have managed to get our hands on a pair of VIP tickets for the opening night. If you’d like to win just email us with the answer to this question: What is the name of Ruth’s character in Little Britain?

Grab your seats ON Thursday May 25 Wales’ premier award-winning comedy club welcomes the cameras of ITV Wales one more time as the spirit of stand-up comedy is drawn out, tossed around and canned up ready for airing on national TV. Glee Comedy Club, located at Cardiff Bay’s Mermaid Quay, is set to showcase the very best in up-and-coming comedy talent for one night only.

The show will feature 3 acts who are currently being bound, gagged and caged until they are released to the delight of the Glee crowd.

Unlike many venues that pigeon-hole students into the Monday night slot, Cardiff Glee Club welcomes all full-time students (with a valid NUS card) to

generous discounts ALL week and weekend. And this event is not exception to the rule. In fact, Glee has teamed up with grab! to giveaway 50 free tickets for the historic night out.

If you’d like to grab a free place at the event simply log on to www.glee.co.uk and enter the promotion code GRITV01 into the online booking process.

EDUCATION, education, education. Yup. you’re probably sick of hearing the word, but don’t worry - it’s not what you think. This week at grab! we’re packing you all off to theatre and the cinema ... in fact, anywhere you can stick your bum on a seat and forget about coursework, dissertations and revision. Hell, I know you’re not supposed to be having fun at the moment but a little bit of light entertainment never does anyone any harm. In fact, a teensy bit of comedy might just make you wee your pants. Check out our Glee Club article for free entry to Wales’ biggest comedy event of the year.

LAST WEEK’S WINNERS Congratulations to Anna Parrinder, who has Devil and Daniel Johnston goodies coming her way, and Gemma Long, our Nicole Krauss winner. Well done also to our Hard Candy winners, Anna Davies and Sapna Mirapuri, and Dan Worth, winner of the Blackwell’s competition.

NEXT WEEK Don’t miss next week’s paper where you’ll have the chance to win golden circle tickets to T4’s On the Beach and a £50 slap-up meal at Zushi

KNOT for the faint-hearted GET READY to fly guys - here comes dancing that’s dangerously close to the flame.

Brazil’s hottest dance company Companhia de Danca Deborah Colker are bringing pure physicality, beauty and daring to Wales for just two performances of their latest show Knot.

Knot is the seventh full-length dance piece that Deborah Colker has created for her company since it was set up in 1994. The company is renowned for its innovative dance, which excites the senses and explores new, untouched areas of artistic creativity.

Definitely Knot for the faint-hearted, the performances are unmissable for anyone that appreciates abstract international dance.

We have just one pair of tickets to give away for the opening night of Knot. If you’d like to win, email us with the answer to the following question: Who founded the dance company who are set to perform Knot at Wales Millennium Centre?

Daring dance...

Knot will be showing for one night only at Wales Millennium Centre on Tuesday 6 June. Tickets are selling at anything between £5 and £22 depending on where you want to sit and can be purchased from the Ticket and Information Office on 08700 40 2000 or at www.wmc.org.uk/knot

Top comedy....

2-FOR-1 CINEMA TICKETS! WITH SO many great films on at the moment we thought it was time you all took a break from revision stress and had a good night out at the movies.

We’ve teamed up with Vue cinema at the Millennium Plaza, Cardiff, and are giving away a free pair of tickets to any movie that you fancy seeing this year.

Everyone is talking about the longanticipated Da Vinci Code that’s now showing at Vue. The cinematic adaptation of the acclaimed Dan Brown novel stars acting gems Tom Hanks, Ian McKellan and Audrey Tatou.

But if cryptic thrillers aren’t your thing then why not go and see Disney’s latest CG animation The Wild? This hilarious film tells the story of a group of zoo-mates including a lion, koala, squirrel and anaconda,

who escape from their enclosures and venture onto the streets of New York. With a famous vocal cast including Kiefer Sutherland and Eddie Izzard, this film is not to be missed.

If you’d like to be in with a chance of winning a pair of free Vue cinema tickets, simply email your contact details and answer to this question to the address at the top of the page:

This week everyone is a winner = just cutout the 2-for-1 voucher below and take a friend to see any film at Vue Cinema Cardiff for free!

The Da Vinci Code is based on a novel by which author? a. Dan Brown b. Dan White c. Dan Black Check out the Vue website www.myvue.com for film listings and the chance to win some great Da Vinci Code goodies.

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Problem Page

Page 18

May 22 2006

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: the first part of new erotic epic, Supermarket Seep...

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners!

Well, I have been very busy this week writing full replies to your problems, after a very rude young boy told me that I don’t give proper answers to those in need. Well, I just wanted to show you that actually I do know what I’m tlakinmg about, even if I’m too lazy to do it properly, OK? And, if you think you can do better, I’d really like to hear from you...Anyway, email as ever is problempage@gairrhydd.com, though do remember I don’t take well to criticism!

I hope you enjoy the new erotic story Supermarket Seep, a three-parter (fnarr) of evil depravity...

Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx

Cereally Sick!

Dear Amber, I DON’T REALLY know what chance I have of getting a salient answer from you, but I’m going to try anyway. (I have noticed that recently your replies have been getting more and more erratic and mean - why is this?)

Anyway, here is my problem. I find that the smell of Alpen makes

me feel physically sick, and in fact, has now just gone past the point of nausea, and it does actually sometimes make me vomit, even if it’s not that near me. Sometimes, even being in the kitchen at the same time as the box sends me off-kilter.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, Amber. You think, well, why not just throw the Alpen away then? Well, it really isn’t that simple. My (thin) girlfriend is constantly on a diet and won’t stay over at my house unless I have made sure she can

Raindrops k eep falling in my tread...

Dear Amber, I REALLY HATE the weather recently. One day, is so sunny you get strap marks when you sit in the beer garden because you‘ve forgotten your sunblock, and the next day it’s pissing it down and you can’t wear pumps because your feet will get soaked.

I am sick of trying to decide what to wear depending on the weather’s temperament. I don’t see why I should have to wear trainers or boots in May just because there’s a rain cloud threatening me as I walk to lectures, but at the same time I don’t want to wear my brand new satin ballet shoes because they’ll get ruined if it does rain. And don’t talk to me about skirts! It’s fine to wear them even in the rain, except in this bloody wind it’s not safe - I don’t want all of the main building seeing my pants as I run in! It’s really annoying me, because I take pride in looking good but the weather is not letting me!

I am trying to attract a boy I fancy, and have lectures with, by making an effort with my clothes and make-up, but pretty much every time I see him I either look sunburnt, like a drowned rat, or windswept (not in a good way).

He either sees me and laughs at these moments, or he ignores me altogether.

I’m sure if he saw me in an air-conditioned building where I have been dressed, made-up and waiting for him all day I’d look great and we’d end up

together, but at this rate, and in this weather, it seems unlikely. Is there anything else I can do?

Please help, Dorianne Gray, Cathays.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Dorianne, Oh, poor you. You are obviously in some sort of mental meltdown (so quite why you’re appealing for my help I don’t know). I can suggest nothing, though constant masturbation will keep you off the rain-soaked streets...

Also, I suggest that perhaps you buy an umbrella?

Love from Amber xxx

have her precious Alpen for breakfast by buying some in for her. She is really funny about eating anything else, and has made it clear that she won’t stay over unless there is a bowl of Alpen waiting for her in the morning. It’s doing my head in! Every time I see the box my stomach starts swimming. I hate it, but unless I want to become chaste I don’t see another way round it apart from just putting up with it.

What do you think I should do,

Daisy Chain Reaction!

Dear Amber, I AM A first year chemistry student and I think I have a problem.

You see, for years I have enjoyed nothing better than to smash some lady’s box in. I like to think of myself as a proper red-blooded male. However, recently I've been beginning to think I'm gay.

In a recent lecture, I turned up late (as usual) and looked for somewhere to sit. A young, tanned man, who I'd never seen before, beckoned for me to join him. As there was a lack of any other

Supermar k et Seep Part#1

RAIN: Get over it

Alex sighed as he put a tin of tongue into his trolley. He hadn’t given a good boning in weeks, and was beginning to get desperate.

It was alright for his housemates; he kept hearing them having sex when their boyfriends and girlfriends came over, and it was driving him potty! I’ll end up humping legs next, he thought. Living in a student house is so annoying. He probably would’ve had more luck with shagging had he not had so many exams. But now they were finished, and he was on the prowl in Tesco. Just in front of him was a girl, probably about his age, bending over to pick up a tin of flageolet beans. As she bent in

Amber?

Yours, Huw Zelli, Roath.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Huw, How on earth have you got such a wanker for a girlfriend without even trying. Although, if she were literally a wanker I suppose you wouldn’t mind so much.

Anyway, I digress. I am so stung by your accusation that I don’t

write sensbile and profound replies that I am writing an extralong one just for you, though heaven knows you don’t deserve it!

I have a similar problem with courgettes; the smell makes me want to vomit (which plays hell’s bell with my sex life, I can tell you).

My advice is to take some Nux Vom, available in Health Shops, whenever she comes round for brekkie. OK? Love, Amber xxx

spaces, I was forced to do so. The lecture was boring and we began to talk. He was funny, charming and I was starting to find him strangely attractive. Then, suddenly, he put his hand on my leg and started rubbing it. My first reaction was to hit him but for some reason I let him carry on. I began to enjoy it and started to feel quite aroused. I decided to take the plunge and rubbed back. We arranged to meet for a drink later and I felt quite excited about it. The drinks went really well and he asked me back to his. Nervously, I accepted.

I'll let you read between the lines Amber, but I have been sleeping with him for three weeks now.

He makes me feel young and giddy.

I'm beginning to think that maybe I

should have been born a woman.

I'm scared Amber! Please help me!

Love and hugs, Daisy, Talybont.

his direction, through the loose cup of her bra Alex could see a nice round nipple, like a boiled sweet - perhaps an aniseed ball?

Alex was very excited and decided to take the bull by the horns, as it were.

“Excuse me,” said Alex, “You seem to have dropped something.” He had taken the KY Jelly in his own basket and dropped it by hers. (He was buying it for a good old wank later, so his hand might feel a bit less like his own).

“Oh,” said the girl, standing up.

“Er... that isn’t mine.” She had nice boobs, a bit of a munted face, but it’d do. She was short and had a lovely bum like a pumpkin. She was smiling.

“Are you sure this isn’t yours?” persisted Alex, his cock as hard as a cucumber.

“Oh yes... I don’t have a prob-

lem getting wet,” she said, and winked.

“Really!” said Alex, so shocked at her foul mouth that he nearly spurted there and then! “I think that maybe we should test that theory out!”

“I think you might be right,” she said, and ‘accidentally’ put her hand on a tit and squeezed it a bit. “Let’s find out.”

“I’ll give you my number,” said Alex.

“Oh no,” said the girl, pressing herself to him so he could feel her large norks brush against him.

“I’ve got a better idea...” And picking up her basket, she took his hand and guided him to the supermarket bogs, like the classy lady she was. Alex’s cock pressed against his jeans like a parsnip in cling film... © Amber Duval 2006

AMBER SAYS: Dear Daisy, Err, am I missing something? Why are you calling yourself ‘Daisy’? Is that supposed to be witty? If so, how so? Surely, if you wanted to make a pun by your name, you would call yourself something like Gaynor? I mean, OK, so that’s not that clever either but it’s better than your poor attempt at humour.

Oh, and by the way, you didn’t need to tell me that you do Chemistry because you can’t spell or use punctuation; I had to edit your letter myself, and I have better things to do, OK? A xxx

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

Award-Winning Television

May 22 - 28 2006

Page 19

tvgareth@coversblown.com

This Week’s TV John’s Amongst the Jade Goodys: May 22-28

A cock and balls story

As if there’s not enough football on telly already, ITV bring us SOCCER AID

HOT

Multi-Purpose Office The office is obviously a place of great journalistic minds and intelligent debate, but in it’s time it has served as pizza parlour and sports ground. Things were taken to a new level today however when I allowed TV Grace to cut my hair. Thup.

Soaps Neighbours!! First off, will Steph’s stupid cancer ever end? I was sick of it after two episodes. Essentially this week is the same as any other week and involves Karl saying she HAS to have treatment NOW or she will DIE!! So then Max has to come back from Fiji to be by her side but it doesn’t really matter anyway because Summer is becoming unsick again. Shame. Boring Pointless Storyline 1: Karl and Jenny get back together. Let’s go get drunk! Boring Pointless Storyline 2: Boyd makes a friend at uni. It’s a GIRL. Cue the Timmins mafia. Toadie get’s the PI report on Katya back and it’s pretty damning.

Obviously he wants to bone her so gives Susan the report, but not before craftily blacking out all the bad stuff. Genius. Ned does naked modelling. Guess whose art class?

Yeh, Skye’s. CONVENIENT!!

NOT

M

ickel was just talking about rumours of a Celebrity Pole Dancing series.

Including Natasha Kaplinksy. Sounds tragic doesn’t it? I’ll tell you what would be worse though.

Wheeling out a load of (previously) alcoholic, former-professional footballers for some desperate charity football match and pairing them up with second rate British actors and celebrities (and the Robster) and getting them to play for charity in some pitiful attempt at rallying the nation before the World Cup. And you know what Welsheys? You can fuck off because you are ‘THE REST OF THE WORLD’!!

So, on behalf of my fellow Englishmen and everyone at ITV I would like to apologise for making you foreigners, but essentially your lack of a

Fudge Tunnel 957

quality national football team makes you second-rate citizens.

Maybe if you’d have qualified for the World Cup we could have had an England v Wales celebrities match, but then you’d probably have had Sian Lloyd upfront anyways. So...

If it’s any consolation it’s inevitably going to be a right royal ding-song of a thrashing for all the Queen’s Men. Driven forward by the Sven-bashing Terry Venables, all our hopes and dreams rest in the hands of England’s finest... well, Tony ‘Donkey’ Adams, Paul ‘Mess’ Gascoigne and Damian ‘Who?’ Lewis. Robbie Williams is captaining our brave heroes, but he’s probably just going to spend the whole time gurning for the cameras to disguise the fact that

he’s a fat, unfit bastard and the fact that he owns a football shirt doesn’t mean he can play. You ‘Rest Of The World’-ers also win because the team seems to be selected on the basis of sex-pots for middle-aged women. Ruud Gullit, Gordon Ramsay, David Ginola and Bryan McFadden.

Kudos.

And guess who’s going to be presenting it. A couple of clues for you: 1. It’s reality TV. 2. It’s on ITV. So quite obviously it’s going to be done by Ant and Dec, innit? So that’s Soccer Aid, All Bloomin’ Week, at varying times of the evening, ITV1.

But there might be more exciting TV news this week. I don’t know yet. But if it is, it is THE most exciting TV news EVER. Seriously. I mean it. So go with it. Please .

Thanks. Love x x x x x x x x x x xxxxxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY

Chelsea: End of Season Review 2005/06. Out on Monday

O f f i c e Conspiracy T h e o r i e s Tonight could be posssibly the greatest night in Cardiff uni history, but we can’t be sure because we’re a sly bunch and we don’t know who to believe. I realise this is all a bit cryptic but all will be revealed reasonably soon.

Film I’ve little interest in ‘Films’.

However, Andrew Collins of the Radio Times fucking loves ‘em.

He reckons we should be watching The Truman Show (Friday, BBC1, 11:35pm) and Jim Carrey always comes acoss all nice when he’s on TV so why not go ahead and watch it? Because you’ve seen it before? Exactly.

Sport Nothing. Seriously. I mean, there’s Soccer Aid, but I think I’m gonna write about that up there, so I don’t want to spread myself too thin. So, we’ll have to make do with C’mon Midfield (Monday, S4C Digital, 6:20pm) which apparently sees “the Bangor Ladies football team prove to be tough opponenets.” Really I shouldn’t have bothered.

Radio If you’re a cool cat (like myself. naturally) you’ll be heading to ATPwards am wochenende. If not you’ll have no excuse not to listen to Huw Stephens’ One Music Show (Radio 1, Monday, 11.00pm). I don’t know much about Huw, but if he’s off to ATP he’s probably alright by me. Plus he’s a ginger, so extra thumbs up for that. Us faux-gingers have to stick together. Keep your ears extra peeled for TV Gareth favourites such as Herman Dune, Mount Eerie and Broken Social Scene. You can bet that this coverage is going to be better than the Radio One One Big Weekend bollocks they’ve been throwing at us all this week, so be thankful for that.

Monday

Page 20

May 22 - 28 2006

em@il.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Breakfast

Working Lunch

BBC1 6.00am

BBC2 12.30pm

Wales Tonight

ITV1 6.00pm

How I Met Your Mother BBC3 10.30pm

Call 02920 229977.

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

6:00am Big Brother Live It’s a bit annoying because two reality TV type programs have started this week. Big Brother and Soccer Aid and ideally I’d like to watch them both. But they’re on at the same time it would seem.

And I can’t even tape one and watch the other because due to the shit TV signal at my house I can only watch TV through programming it through my VCR. Oh the pain. Tape it for me? What d’u say? 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10:00pm Dogma 12:15pm Big Brother Live Of their 24 hour schedule, E4 has lovingly devoted 17 and three quarter hours to Big Brother.

They must really like those guys I guess. NB. if you work it out and it’s not the amount of time that I said it is then don’t worry about it. Just make the adjustment yourself, maybe with a biro or something.

E M I T E M I R

E M I R

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:45am Mio Mao 8:50am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Ellery Queen: Don't Look behind You 3:40pm The Hollywood Detective 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Hunt for Africa's Killer Croc 8:00pm Fifth Gear 9:00pm Larger Than Life Eating Themselves to Death ? What Next?

Brilliant. This is the follow up to a fatty program that they showed earlier on in the year. It’s catching up with the three chunkers.

Well, only two of them because one of them has DIED since. And another of them is in an ‘obesity’ clinic and the woman is now IN HOSPITAL AND HOMELESS!!

BLUE-RIBBON! 10:00pm Prison Break 11:00pm Private Parts - The Trouble With My Vagina The perils of Brazilian waxing and designer vaginas gone wrong.

WOW! 12:00pm Real Wife Swaps 1:00am NBA Action 1:25am NASCAR NEXTEL Cup 2:15am USPGA Golf 3:05am NHL Ice Hockey 5:30am Motor Racing: The Grand American Series

P

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Coronation Street 10:25am Emmerdale 10:55am Emmerdale 11:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 12:15am Movies Now 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm Emmerdale 3:30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:35pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:25pm The Montel Williams Show 6:15pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 8:30pm Airline 9:00pm Honeymoons from Hell 10:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 10:30pm Soccer Aid 11:00pm Coronation Street 11:30pm Coronation Street 12:00pm Lip Service 12:30pm Married with Children 1:00am Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping

T

7:00pm Small Objects of Desire 7:20pm Time Shift:British Space Race 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Olympic Architecture: After the Circus Leaves Town 9:00pm Dounreay: the Atomic Dream 10:00pm Mark Lawson Talks to James Lovelock Even if I was still in a good mood, you could bet that BBC4 would suck it out of me anyway. Like a piglet on a froob. So, here we have some journalist talking to somescientist/author/researcher/envi ronmentalist. And this second guy lives in Cornwall anyway, so if he was that good or successful he would definitely have moved away from there by now.

11:00pm Cold War Spy Swap: Days That Shook the World 12:00pm Cold War, Dirty Science 1:00am Olympic Architecture: After the Circus Leaves Town 1:30am Time Shift:British Space Race 2:10am Mark Lawson Talks to James Lovelock 3:10am Cold War Spy Swap: Days That Shook the World Naturally, like Wife Swap but instead two nation’s swap their secret intelligence. Imagine the japes.

6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:30am Big Brother 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Quit 10:00am In Search of the Tartan Turban 10:25am Self Portrait UK 14-19 10:30am Rewriting History 10:35am The Thin Club 11:25am Rewriting History 11:30am Hardeep Does Drinking 11:55am Tate Modern 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:05pm Grudge Match 1:15pm Lost A film, not that desert island rubbish. Something to do with a kidnapped baby. BRILLIANT! 2:55pm The Coach Trip Awesome. This will make the void between Neighbours and Countdown/Deal Or No Deal smaller. No more watching Pocoyo for me as the reality TV show which sees 14 tourists brought together for a 30-day drive across the continent returns. With a much more eclectic line up of people than Big Brother or any other reality TV programme at all to be honest. SUPER! 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: On the Way to Hay 8:00pm Dispatches 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm ER 11:05pm Big Brother's Big Brain 11:35pm Desperate Housewives 12:35pm P'Tang, Yang, Kipperbang 2:00am Big Brother Live 4:00am Chez Mimi 4:15am Chez Mimi 4:30am Henning's Haus 4:45am Henning's Haus5:45am La Tienda de Luis

PRIMETIME

E M I

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers Cartoon about round headed mexican wrestlers? Fuck a duck.

ROCKING! 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Airline Could it be? It looks like CITV may have caved in and realised CBBC’s superiority and decided to finish things off 30 minutes early? Less rubbish cartoons and poorly acted pre-teenage dramas? INCREDIBLE! 5:00pm The Price Is Right What’s this? An hour long version of The Price Is Right? Which translates as an hour of Joe Pasquale? Now you’re talking my language. KILLER! 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Wales This Week 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm Soccer Aid 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Supernatural Mentalist sci-fi balls? A Shtriga (a witch that sneaks into children’s rooms and sucks the life out of them)?

Crank it up poindexter!

WICKED WICKED WILD WILD WEST! 12:00pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald 12:30pm Champions League Weekly 4:10am I Want That House Alright, you can have it! FIRST-RATE! 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News

P R I M E T I M E

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters

7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Dog Borstal 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm How I Met Your Mother 10:50pm Little Britain Fuck it, I’m fed up of being nice about things. Things were going quite well, I was in a semi-jovial mood and then I listened to a conversation that some gair rhydd gals were having about how much they’re looking forward to seeing the Kooks play and things have all been down hill from there. Plus in a minute I have to walk IN THE RAIN to a legal aid hearing.

These are not good things. And I’ve done no revision and ONE DAY WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! At least I don’t have to go see the Kooks though. 11:20pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:50pm Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 12:20pm Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 12:50pm Dog Borstal 1:45am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 2:45am Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Dennis the Menace 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Come Outside 10:15am Summerton Mill 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Let's Write a Story 10:45am Words and Pictures Plus 11:00am Words and Pictures Plus 11:15am The Way Things Work 11:30am The Way Things Work 11:45am Watch 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Megamaths 1:15pm Watch 1:35pm The Las Vegas Story 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads Isn’t it a shame that I can’t get a good enough reception on my TV to watch Home And Away? Yes. But is this an adequate replacement? Kind of. Mostly. MAGNIFICENT! 6:30pm Great British Menu Food? I fucking love food!

SPLENDEROUS! 7:00pm Top Gear 8:00pm The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 9:00pm Dead Ringers 9:30pm Feel the Force Reasonably good ovary-centric off-kilter police comedy?

Yes please. Starring Green Wing and The Book Group’s Michelle Gomez? Make mine a six part series please.

Thanks. STUPENDOUS! 10:00pm Grumpy Old Men 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Have I Got News for You 11:50pm Tales from France 12:50pm Joins BBC News 24 1:00am BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel:Talk French 1-6 2:30am France Inside Out 5:00am Work Talk

P

PRIMETIME

6:00am Breakfast Alright dudes.

TV Gareth here. I’m a little fed up of being a misery guts all the time, so I thought maybe I’d just write about good stuff this week, to show you that I am also a fun person. And besides, the whole exam/degree failure situation is casting a long enough shadow.

9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am This Little Farmer Went to Market 11:30am Cash in the Attic 12:30am The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Murder, She Wrote 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:00pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm Beat the Boss Some woman who didn’t win The Apprentice presents a programme where three children go head to head with business gurus to come up with a product for the children’s market. FABULOUS! 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm DIY SOS 9:00pm New Tricks 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Lee Evans XL Tour 2005 Live Lee Evans?

Rubbish? Yes. But who cares, because I won’t be watching it.

POT BLACK! 11:35pm Roxanne 1:20am Planet Earth 2:20am Save Lullingstone Castle 2:50am Girl Cops 3:20am Downsize Me

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:30am Big Brother 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Quit 10:00am In Search of the Tartan Turban 10:25am Self Portrait UK 14-19 10:30am Rewriting History 10:35am The Thin Club 11:25am Rewriting History 11:30am Hardeep Does Drinking 11:55am Tate Modern 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Dwdlam 12:45am Mr Men 1:00pm Tecwyn y Tractor 1:15pm House Auction 1:45pm Deal or No Deal 2:30pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Medabots 4:20pm Bernard 4:25pm Stamina 4:50pm Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Ffermio 9:00pm Ar Dy Feic 9:30pm Sgorio 10:00pm Rhyngwladol 10:30pm Big Brother 11:35pm Big Brother's Big Brain 12:05pm Wife Swap 1:05am Invasion 2:00am Big Brother 2:45am The Worst Jobs

Tuesday

May 22 - 28 2006

Page 21

getyourselfelected@thewriting’sonthewall.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters To Buy or Not To Buy

Hands on Nature

BBC1 9.15am

BBC2 1.30pm

Mio Mao

Lost

Ch4 10pm

five 8.45am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Little Britain 9:30pm Grown Ups 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm BBC Three Outtakes Show 11:00pm Man Stroke Woman 11:30pm Ideal 12:00pm The Message 12:30pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 1:00am Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 1:30am Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 2:00am Grown Ups 2:30am BBC Three Outtakes Show 3:00am Man Stroke Woman 3:30am The Real Hustle TV G. Race here. The office is a hotbed of gossip today; I can hardly contain myself. Where do I start? Well... there has been a few scurrilous rumours floating around that a member of TV desk will be appearing on Big Brother. I guess by the time that you read this we’ll all know...

7:00pm Wildlife in a War Zone 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops 9:00pm Gorillas Revisited 10:00pm Living with Modernism 10:30pm Darwin's Nightmare 12:10pm Never Mind the Full Stops 12:40pm Living with Modernism 1:10am Gorillas Revisited 2:10am Wildlife in a War Zone 3:10am Never Mind the Full Stops 3:40am Living with Modernism ... this year’s line-up. Who knows what will happen. WHO KNOWS? In other news, I’ve just given TV Gareth’s hair a trim. It looks ok I suppose. I’ve discovered his weakness: an irrational fear of damage to his neck moles.

Weird. I accompanied TV Ellen for a spot of flyering last night which involved loitering outside the Kooks’ gig. Quite possibly one of the most soul-destroying jobs there is, but bizarrely fun at the same time. TV Jane has had an exam; TV John got pooed on by a seagull at Barry Island...

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 8:30pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 9:00pm Neighbourhoods from Hell 10:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 10:30pm Soccer Aid: Extra Time 11:00pm Jack Osbourne - Adrenaline Junkie 12:00pm Sure Fans United 12:30pm Married with Children 1:00am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping ... and I’m here at some ridiculously early hour holding the fort for the ...

R

6:00am Big Brother Live 2:25pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 2:55pm Big Brother 3:55pm Big Brother's Big Brain 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:35pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live Love or hate Big Brother, I don’t really care, but anyone who feels they have any sort of authority to diss Russell Brand, please step outside now, because I’ll kick your face in, in a variety of entertaining ways, OK? 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm The OC 10:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 10:30pm Big Brother Live 11:00pm Lost 12:00pm Big Brother Live ... TV desk contingent. To be fair they have already done all their pages, apart from John, whose conspicous absense has raised a few eyebrows. Could it be his fizzog we see plastered all over our screens this summer?

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:45am Mio Mao 8:50am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:35pm Jewel 3:35pm Rain It’s raining right now, I don’t like it, but it’s instantly preferable to being covered in log flume water, as I was at Thorpe Park yesterday 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Tim Marlow on...

Highlights of the New Tate Modern It won’t be a patch on when I went to the Tate Modern two years ago and saw an Edward Hopper exhibition. Edward Hopper is by far the greatest painter in the history of art. That’s a fact, by the way.

8:00pm Property Developing Abroad 9:00pm CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Wait for the season finale, it’s going to be incredible.

10:00pm CSI: Miami Don’t wait for the season finale, it’s probably going to be as rubbish as the rest of this season has been. 11:00pm Prison Break 12:00pm Fifth Gear 1:00am NBA Basketball: The Play-Offs 3:40am ITU World Cup Triathlon 4:30am Race and Rally UK 4:55am Boxing: Fight of the

P R I M E T I M E

I

M

E

T

I

M

E

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am The Treacle People 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 8:00am Big Brother 9:00am Frasier 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Quit 10:00am Teens on Trial 10:30am Rewriting History 10:35am The Cutting Club 11:25am Rewriting History 11:30am Don't Make Me Angry 11:55am Tate Modern 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm Supporting Acts 1:20pm A Kid for Two Farthings 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: On the Way to Hay 8:00pm Location, Location, Location 8:30pm Turn Back Your Body Clock 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Lost 11:00pm Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere 11:30pm Sugar Rush Vastly overrated and overpopularised lesbian drama series written by Julie Birchill. It’s rubbish.

12:05pm Big Brother's Big Mouth We’re currently watching the housemates enter the house. What a bunch of wankers! Another fact, there.

12:35pm Red Bull Air Race 1:35am Big Brother Live 3:35am Unreported World 4:00am La Tienda de Luis 4:15am La Tienda de Luis 4:30am La Tienda de Luis 4:45am La Tienda de Luis 5:00am Count Me In 5:30am

P

R

I

M

E

T

I

M

E

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Airline 5:00pm The Price Is Right 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm The Ferret 8:00pm House of Horrors Not to be confused with the Hammer House of Horrors, which is a vastly superior, if incredibly camp nonsense of a similar nature. This is the sort of half-baked consumer crap that I believe ITV1 are trying to base their entire new season of megatrite prime-time on. A waste of everyone’s time, and that’s a fact.

9:00pm David Beckham: A Footballer's Story 10:00pm Soccer Aid Tedious charity football World Cup cash-in for thickos who don’t know better than to watch “celebrities” trying to play a sport normally entertained by a gaggle of guffers who try to be “celebrities”. A mess of paradoxes. Should be fun.

10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Soccer Aid 12:00pm Motorsport UK 12:45pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am Mum's on Strike 4:35am I Want That House Revisited 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early

P

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Dennis the Menace 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Come Outside 10:15am Summerton Mill 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Megamaths: Shape and Space 10:50am Megamaths: Fractions 11:10am Horizon 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Science Clips 1:10pm Science Clips 1:20pm Science Clips 1:30pm Hands on Nature 2:00pm am.pm 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm No Time for Tea at Raj TV 8:00pm The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 9:00pm Dan Cruickshank's Marvels of the Modern Age 10:00pm Little Angels 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm The Online Music Revolution If by “revolution” you mean, “crappy local indie wankers who think posting their meandering crap on a website is a better way to get your music across than playing properly and actualy performing some gigs”. I’ve revoluted better vomit than most of these tosspieces.

11:50pm Tales from Italy 12:50pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Expressive Arts 4:00am Expressive Arts My personal favourite expressive art is that of the abject loner who tries to woo girls by writing poetry to them. This art is more commonly known as “twat”

P R I M E T I M E

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am This Little Farmer Went to Market 11:30am Cash in the Attic 12:30am The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Murder, She Wrote 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:00pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm Beat the Boss 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm I Want It Now 7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm Holby City 9:00pm Crimewatch UK 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Week In, Week Out 11:05pm Crimewatch UK Update 11:15pm Imagine... Being Hamlet Or as I prefer, imagine being an omlette. You’d be made of egg, and covered in onion. That’d be fun.

12:05pm Medium 12:50pm Alien Love 2:40am Sign Zone:Hairy Bikers' Cookbook 3:10am Sign Zone:Private Life of an Easter Masterpiece 4:00am Sign Zone:Holidays in...

Euroland 4:30am Sign Zone:Downsize Me Not to be confused with “Downsize This!”, which is a completely boring and disgusting book written by Michael Moore, who is fat, boring, inane and appeals exclusively to students who’ll read any old tosh if it’s anti-American and looks good in their satchel.

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 8:00am Big Brother 9:00am Frasier 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Quit 10:00am Teens on Trial 10:30am Rewriting History 10:35am The Cutting Club 11:25am Rewriting History 11:30am Don't Make Me Angry 11:55am Tate Modern 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Dwdlam 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Bobinogi 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Ribidires 1:15pm House Auction 1:45pm Deal or No Deal 2:30pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Anifail am Wythnos 4:20pm Planed Plant:Martin Mellten 4:40pm Planed Plant:Wap! 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Y Byd ar Bedwar 9:00pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10:00pm Con Passionate 11:00pm Big Brother 12:05pm ER 1:05am

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

Wednesday

Page 22

May 22 - 28 2006

underwaterknitting@TV Desk.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Lolo’s Welsh Safari

British Soap Awards

BBC 1 7pm

ITV 1 8pm

Guns Are Cool

C4 10.35am

Don’t Make Me Angry

C4 11.30am

Call 02920 229977.

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Q & A I apologise for the gobbledy-gook here, it may be what’s on, or it may not.

11:10pm Grown Ups 11:40pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 12:10pm Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 12:20pm Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 1:10am The Porn King vs the President Aren’t Hugh Hefner and George Bush related? I’m sure I heard somewhere that they’re cousins. Did you know Hugh used to edit a magazine called ‘Shaft’? Hehe, I thought that was quite amusing, I am so sad. Another random Hefner fact for you is that Hefner bought the cript that lies next to Marilyn Monroe. Well that’s lovely but if it’s because she was such a stunner then I think his money was wasted as I doubt she’s looking too pretty now.2:05am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 3:05am Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 3:35am Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves

7:00pm Family Ties 7:30pm Family Ties 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Take One Museum 9:00pm The Hobart Shakespearians 10:00pm Meltdown - a Global Warming Journey 11:00pm Global Dimming 11:55pm Climate Conspiracy or Global Catastrophe? 12:25pm El Nino 1:25am Take One Museum 1:55am Family Ties 2:25am Family Ties 2:55am Meltdown a Global Warming Journey Seeing as I’m feeling quite uninspired today I think I shall tell you about my little road trip I took yesterday. My lovely chum Hana had to pick up a parcel from the Royal Mail depot and myself and Chrais thought we’d accompany her to help with directions.... About 3 HOURS LATER, we eventually turn up at the depo, only because we decided to follow a Royal Mail van. When we did get there the guy behind the customer services desk couldn’t find the parcel and so we had to leave without it, what a wasted journey. We were not happy bunnies. It was poo.

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show Jeremy’s a poo.1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:40pm Judge Judy 6:00pm The British Soap Awards 2006: The Stars Arrive 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot 9:45pm Celebrity Daredevils 10:00pm Coronation Street 10:30pm Soccer Aid: Extra Time 11:00pm The British Soap Awards 2006: Backstage 12:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 12:50pm Movies Now 1:00am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping

6:00am Big Brother Live 2:55pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Invasion 10:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 10:30pm Big Brother Live 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00pm Big Brother Live I’m afraid there isn’t enough room in the S4C box to fit in all the listings (although I doubt anyone watches it anyway). However, when looking at the listings that wouldn’t fit in the box I noticed a programme on at 2.45am called ‘Rum, Sodomy and the Lash’, hmm this sounds intriguing, though perhaps slightly disgusting..I’m going to ‘Google it’. Oh man that’s boring, it turns out it’s a programme about the lives of sailors in the Georgian Royal Navy. It talks about how many of them were actually women in disguise and that perhaps they were lesbians looking for women in the ports... hmm.

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy or else he’ll prank call you when you’re in a big dark house babysitting in the middle of nowhere and then whisper “have you checked the children?” and then you’ll panic and they’ll disappear and you’ll ring the police and they’ll trace the number and it’ll be coming from the inside of the house..oooh scary. Don’t bother going to see ‘When a Stranger Calls’-that’s it.8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:45am Mio Mao 8:50am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:35pm Cagney & Lacey: Together Again 3:35pm Still Crazy like a Fox 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Raising the World's First Iron Warship: Shipwreck Salvage 8:00pm The Mystery of the Mary Celeste: Revealed 9:00pm How William Shatner Changed the World Oohh ooh me sir, I think i know this! Is it by doing adverts for Kellogg’s All Bran honey and oat bars? The best thing to happen to the earth sice the invention of the wheel? 11:00pm Star Trek: Voyager 12:00pm Poker Night: Partypoker.com Football and Poker Legends World Cup 1:30am Baseball: MLB Wednesday 4:30am V8 Supercars 5:20am NHRA Drag Racing

PRIMETIME

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am The Treacle People 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00am Big Brother 9:00am Frasier 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Quit Your job, now. It feels great, it really does.

Until you realise that not having a job means no money and that you have to find another one.

10:00am Teens on Trial 10:30am Rewriting History 10:35am Guns Are Cool Brilliant kids’ TV show in which kids are encouraged to play around with guns and shoot at people in the streets. Brilliant daytime TV for three-year-olds, put our kids in front of this whilst you’re cleaning the bathroom and you won’t hear a peep from it. 11:25am Rewriting History 11:30am Don't Make Me Angry Especially not today, I’m feeling violent. 11:55am Tate Modern 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 12:55am The Way Ahead 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: On the Way to Hay 8:00pm 10 Years Younger Bikini Special 9:00pm Big Brother Yay Big Brother! Chance to watch strange people make fools of themselves!

10:00pm Desperate Housewives 11:05pm Pet Shop Boys - A Life in Pop 12:05pm The Strokes: Video Exclusive 12:10pm Sugar Rush 12:40pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 1:15am Big Brother Live 3:55am KOTV Classics 4:50am Freesports on 4: Red Bull Vertical Battle 5:15am

PRIMETIME

R

I

M

E

T

I

M

E

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Airline 5:00pm The Price Is Right 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm The British Soap Awards 2006 I tried to enter a competition on This Morning the other today to win five tickets to go to the Soap Awards. It said you could go online and do it and I thought, hmm this sounds like a crafty plan as it’ll be free. Anyway, me being really sad I decided to try it. I went on This Morning’s website, went to competitions. clicked on it and... nothing happened.

The bastards lied. I think the plan was to make people go on the site but then not atually let you enter the competition as this would be free and then they wouldn’t make any dollar. How rude.

10:00pm Soccer Aid 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Soccer Aid 12:00pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:05am The Jeremy Kyle Show 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News...and nobody cares and it’s 11.30am and my boyfriend’s still asleep and hungover and doesn’t want to come

P

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Dennis the Menace 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Come Outside 10:15am Summerton Mill 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Trade Secrets 10:40am Horizon 11:30am am.pm 1:00pm Lifeline 1:10pm The Plantsman 1:30pm Working Lunch 2:00pm Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm The Happiness Formula 7:30pm Holidays in...

Euroland 8:00pm The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 9:00pm The Line of Beauty 10:00pm Room 101 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Whose Baby? A Life Worth Living I was watching a programme last night about the first guy in the UK (and maybe ever, I’m not sure) to have three sons by his sperm and some random American woman’s eggs and though another random American surrogate mother. This was nowhere near as disturbing as seeing him explain to the kids how they ended up on the planet, it was so confusing. No wonder when asked where babies came from one of the kids said ‘babysitting lambs’. Poor child.

12:20pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Expressive Arts Marsalis on Music 4:00am Expressive Arts - Marsalis on Music. ...just finished my exams and I’m sitting in the office doing TV listings, and there’s only one other person here. Boo hoo.

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am This Little Farmer Went to Market 11:30am Cash in the Attic 12:30am The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Murder, She Wrote 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:00pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm Beat the Boss 5:00pm Green Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Iolo's Welsh Safari 7:30pm X-Ray 8:00pm Ocean Odyssey 9:00pm Are We Changing Planet Earth? Of course we bloody are, what a stupid question. No, we didn’t build all these nasty buildings and make all these fume emitting contraptions, or raods, or indoor beaches or spill oil all over some beautiful beach, that all happened of its own accord.

Duuurrrr.

10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40pm Belonging 11:10pm ONE Life 11:50pm Bonfire of the Vanities 1:55am Sign Zone:Would You Buy a House with a Stranger? No, but I would buy one with Michael Parkinson, but definitely not with Paul O’Grady. 2:55am Sign Zone:Super Vets 3:25am Sign Zone:Downsize Me 3:55am Joins BBC News 24 I’m in a bad mood today, I’m not sure why, I think it may be because I’ve...

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00am Big Brother 9:00am Frasier 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Quit 10:00am Teens on Trial 10:30am Rewriting History 10:35am Guns Are Cool 11:25am Rewriting History 11:30am Don't Make Me Angry 11:55am Tate Modern 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Dwdlam 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 12:50am Planed Plant Bach:Y Blobs 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Byd Bach Bedwyr 1:15pm House Auction 1:45pm Deal or No Deal 2:30pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Code Lyoko 4:25pm Planed Plant:Clwb Winx 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Cwpwrdd Dillad 9:00pm 04 Wal 9:30pm Sioe Gelf 10:00pm Big Brother 11:00pm Lost 12:00pm Y Clwb Pel-Droed Rhyngwladol 12:30pm 10 Years Younger

Thursday

May 22 - 28 2006

Page 23

chipsandcheese@ta’s.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters My Breasts and I

Come Outside

BBC3 10:30pm

BBC2 10am

Paul Merton’s Silent Clowns BBC4 11:30pm

The Treacle People C4

6:50am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Brand New Spendaholics 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm My Breasts and I Me and my breasts go on many magical adventures together, my nipples are enchanted. 11:25pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:55pm Trauma Uncut 12:25pm Trauma Uncut 12:55pm My Breasts and I 1:50am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 2:50am Brand New Spendaholics Moral dilemma of the week: Is it wrong to steal the items in the lost property section in the Bute building library when there are some nice gloves sitting there, and their owners might have left their gloves there ‘cos they lost their hands in a freak yachting accident? I mean they wouldn’t want such a painful reminder that they’re just no-handed freaks now. They probably want me to take them actually. By me I mean erm… TV Gareth.

7:00pm Family Ties 7:30pm Family Ties 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Versailles Stories 9:00pm Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 10:00pm The League of Gentlemen 10:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops 11:00pm Versailles Stories 11:30pm Paul Merton's Silent Clowns lots of mute clowns all locked in a room together. Oh dear I don’t think I ever conjured up such a horrific image. I’m gonna have nightmares tonight about clowns prodding me with their big pointy shoes, because they can’t talk and need me to do their red noses before the big show!!!....

My brain is a scary place.

12:30pm Mark Lawson Talks to James Lovelock 1:30am Family Ties 2:00am Family Ties 2:30am Never Mind the Full Stops 3:00am Paul Merton's Silent Clowns Or is it in fact group therapy for clowns led by Paul Merton?

Clowns are people too you know.

Except they’re not, they’re failed comedians who discovered they were really good at face painting.

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 9:00pm Tenants from Hell I am nominating my flatmate for this due to his obsessive ‘love the planet’ ways. We have signs telling us to recycle all over our house. And he tuts when I smoke! Tuts! So I’m gonna smoke 30 fags in front of him whilst throwing tuna cans into the bin, and turning lights on and off repeatedly so I am wasting electricity. Yeah and I leave my computer on. AND I LOVE IT

6:00am Big Brother Live 2:55pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm ER 10:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 10:30pm My Name Is Earl Jason Lee who plays Earl is a strangely erotic man, he is one of those odd crushes you have.

Me and TV Grace both agree on him and John Cusack but we differ over Derren Brown. She thinks he looks like some kind of ferret, I think he looks like he has a large penis. Oh and the guy who plays the fawn in Narnia. He would get it. Not as a fawn… well, maybe. (Note: Ellen does not condone bestiality with mythical creatures) 11:00pm Big Brother Live Me and My Flatmate/ Future music editor for Quench Sofie have decided our love lives are cursed because our house is in fact built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Pocahontas was set in Cathays

I

M

E

T

I

M

E

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:45am Mio Mao 8:50am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:35pm The Intruders 3:35pm High Noon 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away My friend’s setting up a facebook “Home and Away appreciation society.” It’s nowhere near as good as the “I heart TV Ellen” group.

And if you don’t believe me check it out, and no I didn’t set it up, some of my fans did (my mother paid them).

And yes I’m a member. So now there are three in total.

I personally like the “facebook: making stalking easy” group. Not as good though as “What is the difference between midgets and dwarfs,” group set up by my friend James. He is the head investigator. I am hoping I can be promoted to sexual relations advisor.

6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Cricket on Five 8:00pm Bride and Grooming 9:00pm House 10:00pm Grey's Anatomy 11:00pm Suburban Shootout 11:30pm Swinging 12:00pm Golazo Football Show 12:50pm UEFA Under-21's Championship 2:20am UEFA Under-21's Championship 3:50am UEFA Under-21's Championship 5:20am US Major League

R

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am The Treacle People are coming to rape your pets 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00am Big Brother 9:00am Frasier 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show What’s deadly knowledge?

Stuff like “I know where the big button which blows up the world is. It’s right next to the light switch so you better hope I don’t come home wasted” 9:55am Quit Everything. 10:00am Teens on Trial 10:30am Rewriting History 10:35am The Big Drugs Drugs make trade fair. They help the Whales, and majurania personally freed Tibet. 11:25am Rewriting History 11:30am Don't Make Me Angry coz I will pretend to turn into the Incredible Hulk and this will be embarrassing for me and you.

11:55am Tate Modern 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm Conspiracy of Hearts 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: On the Way to Hay 8:00pm Honey I Ruined the House I was trying to recreate Gladiators and I replaced the stairs with the Eliminator. Now my flatmates have to do four months’ training to get to their rooms 10:00pm My Best Friend's Wedding 11:55pm Sugar Rush Don’t take drugs, snort haribo instead!

12:30pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 1:00am Big Brother Live 3:55am Freesports on 4: Surfing My head now feels like it is filled with inflatable marshmallows.

P

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom “Mother I may be six, but I do find it highly inconceivable that this so-called piece of farming equipment has the power of independent though.” 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series “Mother I do believe that if this was in any way realistic, Mr Bean would have been sectioned by now.”

3:35pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz “Mother why is this TV show spelt so grammatically incorrectly, is ITV trying to turn me into a retard?” 4:30pm Airline 5:00pm The Price Is Right 6:00pm Wales Tonight In Wales tonight, a giant welsh eating radioactive spider is elected major in the valleys 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Stories From The Street man, keep it real.

8:00pm The Bill 9:00pm Vital Signs 10:00pm Soccer Aid 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Soccer Aid 11:30pm Waterfront 12:00pm Free Ride 4:10am Britain's Best Back Gardens This week: The best potting sheds of schizophrenics 4:35am Moving Day 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News Hey not to blow my own trumpet but check out our review in this week’s Quench, oh yes Los Campesinos did well. Now let it all go to my head.

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Dennis the Menace 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Come Outside That’s disgusting. And possibly illegal. 10:15am Summerton Mill 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Watch 10:45am Something Special A Bunny On Fire with an iron deficiency. And now a frazzled little poofy tail. 11:00am Razzledazzle 11:20am Primary Geography 11:30am English Express 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm The People's Museum 2:00pm Golf and Racing 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Fawlty Towers 7:30pm Discovering Welsh Houses 8:00pm The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 9:00pm Mastermind 9:30pm Natural World 10:20pm Climate Chaos: Report from the Frontline of Global Warming What a load of fuss about nothing, a few holes in the ozone layer won’t kill us, it will give us all nicer tans and mutant powers. I, TV Ellen love mutant powers. Watching the X Men fills me with jealous rage. I would be IRONY GIRL. I would pop up unexpectedly in ironic situations. Point it out. Chuckle.

Leave. That’s pretty crap actually. 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm The Smoking Room 11:50pm Dragon's Den 12:20pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Expressive Arts - Mad about Music 4:00am Expressive Arts - Mad about Music This week I am mentally unhinged about AFI’s new song and Davey Havok’s amazing new hair.

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am This Little Farmer Went to Market 11:30am Cash in the Attic The families in this always want to raise money for their snot-nosed brattish kid who always wants to buy something incredibly useless. One week they were selling their blind nan’s remaining good eye at auction so their son Rudolf could have a quad bike.

And they made her test it out.

On the M4. In the fog. With sick but hilarious results... 12:30am The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Murder, She Wrote “Dear Jessica Fletcher a visit from you would be lovely, but we quite like our immediate family members, and wherever you seem to go someone dies. Stay away bitch.

Love and Hugs, your sister.”

3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:00pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm Beat the Boss this week: 5:00pm Totally Doctor Who 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Holiday Hit Squad Lucky holiday makers get assassinated.7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm New Street Law 9:00pm A Life of Grime 9:30pm Traffic Cops 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Dragon's Eye 11:05pm Question Time 12:05pm This Week 1:05am Zone: Grumpy Old Men

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00am Big Brother 9:00am Frasier 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Quit 10:00am Teens on Trial 10:30am Rewriting History 10:35am The Big Drugs Debate 11:25am Rewriting History 11:30am Don't Make Me Angry 11:55am Tate Modern 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Dwdlam 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Binca 12:50am Planed Plant Bach:Wil Cwac Cwac 1:00pm Ari Awyren 1:15pm Designers Under Pressure 1:30pm Deal or No Deal 2:30pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Mama Mia 4:25pm Planed Plant:SpiderMan 4:45pm Planed Plant:Tisio Prisio 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Y Clwb Garddio 9:00pm Ralio 10:00pm Big Brother 11:00pm Flatliners 1:05am Big Brother Live

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

Friday

Page 24

May 22 - 28 2006

tv@gairrhydd.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Beat the Boss

Come Outside

BBC1 4.30pm

BBC2 10am

Flash Families ITV1 9pm

Franklin

five 6am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Time 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Sounds of the Eighties 9:00pm Girls and Boys: Sex and British Pop 10:00pm Rock Goes to College 10:30pm The Fall: The Wonderful and Frightening World of Mark E Smith 11:30pm Noi the Albino 1:00am Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History 2:00am The Fall: The Wonderful and Frightening World of Mark E Smith 3:00am Time In the eyes of strangers who pass me by Life is cruel and so unkind Oh- Oh Where's it gone The SPIRIT OF '76 new album, a new place, a new situation, a new label. As always when starting a new album, all the hopes and fears are there in the pit of your stomach. I have acquired a Chapel in North Wales and have decided to record the new 'Alarm' album within it's walls. Day one is not really day one but this is where it all begins with the preparation. Martin Wilding and myself meet for a cup of tea to go over the process. The problem is

Where are you now my friend?

You see some nights when I can't sleep I still think of you And all the promises,all our dreams we shared I know those lights still call to you I can hear them now I can hear them now (Still shining for us) (Let em shine) (Can you hear them) (Can you hear them) (Lights are still shining) Somewhere tonight out on the

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am The Treacle People 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00am Big Brother 9:00am Frasier 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Quit 10:00am Teens on Trial 10:30am Rewriting History 10:35am Don't Make Me Angry 11:00am Rewriting History 11:05am Howard Goodall's Twentieth Century Greats 11:55am Tate Modern 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm The Savoy: Checking into History 12:50pm A Town like Alice 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:30pm Unreported World 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 9:30pm 8 Out of 10 Cats 10:00pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 10:30pm My Name Is Earl 11:05pm Comic Strip Presents... 12:05am Big Brother's Big Mouth 12:40am Vodafone TBA 1:40am 4Play 1:55am Big Brother Live 3:45am Dispatches 4:40am Countdown 5:25am Vee-TV 5:55am The Hoobs If a man can't change the world these days I still believe a man can change his own destiny But the price is high that has got to be paid For everyone who survives there are many who fail I've seen my friends caught out in that crossfire All their dreams and hopes smashed on the funeral pyre I will never give in until the day I die

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm X-Men: The Last Stand Xclusive 8:30pm American Idol Finale 9:20pm American Idol Finale Result 11:10pm Lip Service 11:40pm Coronation Street 12:10am Soccer Aid: Extra Time 12:40am The Ricki Lake Show 1:30am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping we haven't really got a specific plan as such, so much of the morning is spent going from

6:00am Big Brother Live 2:55pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Supernanny US 10:00pm Friends 10:30pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 11:00pm Big Brother Live room to room and saying to each other "What if......". Martin had tried out one of the back rooms with a drummer friend of his to see if the drums would sound good. His feelings are that it is not bad but not great either. One of our main problems with the drum kit placement is the fact that the main room is huge and this will mean that we will have to do a lot of work to dampen down the reverberation.

We decide to give the drums a go in the main room and see what happens. I came up with the idea of buying a 'Gazebo' from a garden centre to place over the kit and then hang all the old touring back drops.

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:45am Mio Mao 8:50am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00pm Home and Away 12:30pm BrainTeaser 1:35pm The Fulfillment of Mary Gray 3:35pm Martin and Lewis 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Cricket on Five 8:00pm The History of Britain from the Air 8:30pm Nice House, Shame about the Garden: Revisited 9:00pm Old Enough to be his Mother: Hidden Lives 10:00pm Law and Order 11:00pm Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 12:00am John Barnes' Football Night 1:00am The Great Big British Quiz 5:35am Wildlife Down Under with Nick Baker Get myself some independence Carve out a future with my two bare hands Oh my friend, Oh my friend, Oh my friend Somewhere tonight out on the street Somewhere beneath this city's heat In the eyes of strangers who pass me by Life is cruel and so unkind Oh, Oh the SPIRIT OF '76 Mersey lights shine in the distance Same as they did for us then Mersey lights shine bright in the distance

PRIMETIME

7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Doctor Who 9:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Grown Ups 11:00pm The Real Hustle 11:30pm Brand New Spendaholics 12:30am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 1:00am Grown Ups 1:30am The Real Hustle 2:00am Brand New Spendaholics 2:55am My Breasts and I

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am Entertainment Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30pm ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Feodor 3:35pm Art Attack 3:55pm How II 4:20pm Skillz 4:30pm Airline 5:00pm The Price Is Right 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30pm Airline 9:00pm Flash Families 10:00pm Soccer Aid 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Soccer Aid 12:05am ITV Play: The Mint 4:10am Too Many Cooks 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News And more beauty in this world I swear you'll never see I was gonna be king And she was gonna be queen But now all she does is hide behind the tears If there was more sense in this world And work wasn't so hard to find You would not be going your way I would not be going mine Oh my friend, Oh my friend, Oh my friend Somewhere tonight out on the street Somewhere beneath this city's heat In the eyes of strangers who pass me by Life is cruel and so unkind Oh, Oh the SPIRIT OF '76 And Pete has seen his dreams come true But that don't make him no hero He's just one of the lucky few

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Dennis the Menace 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Come Outside 10:15am Summerton Mill 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Primary History: Britain Since 1948 10:50am Primary History 11:10am Primary History 11:30am Primary Geography 11:50am Focus 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm The People's Museum 2:00pm Golf and Racing 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Scrum V Live 9:00pm The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 10:00pm Grumpy Old Women 10:30pm Newsnight 11:00pm Newsnight Review from Cannes 11:35pm Later with Jools Holland 12:35am Motorcycle Gang 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University:The Art of the Restorer 2:30am Modernist Primitivism 3:00am Following a Score 3:30am Independent Living 4:00am My Favourite Things 4:30am Music to the Ear 5:00am Bajourou Music of Mali 5:30am Ever Wondered about Food?

We would dream of those bright lights Oh my friend, Oh my friend, Oh my friend And my friend John, he went away He made some mistakes Spent time in Walton jail And now when I see him we still talk But there's no light shining in his eyes And Susie, she was seventeen

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am This Little Farmer Went to Market 11:30am Cash in the Attic 12:30pm The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Murder, She Wrote 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:00pm Fairly Odd Parents 4:30pm Beat the Boss 4:55pm Stitch Up 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm A Question of Sport 7:30pm Airport 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm Home Again 9:00pm Have I Got News for You 9:30pm Smith and Jones Sketchbook 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35pm The Truman Show 1:15am Joins BBC News 24 Well I find myself in reverie 'Bout what we might have had And what might have been We had something going once That was such a long, long time ago It was way back in '76 Our friendship formed of pure innocence We first met in Mathew Street Where we heard something that would set us free A sign stands over a door, it says Four lads who shook the world In the depths of those heady nights

PRIMETIME

Call 02920 229977.

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00am Big Brother 9:00am Frasier 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Quit 10:00am Teens on Trial 10:30am Rewriting History 10:35am Don't Make Me Angry 11:00am Rewriting History 11:05am Howard Goodall's Twentieth Century Greats 11:55am Tate Modern 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm Planed Plant Bach:Dwdlam 12:45pm Planed Plant Bach:Bibi Bel 12:50pm Planed Plant Bach:Penblwydd Pwy 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Pentre Bach 1:15pm The House Auction 1:45pm Deal or No Deal 2:30pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Beyblade 4:25pm Planed Plant:Teledu Eddie 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm Uned 5 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:30pm Big Brother 9:30pm 8 Out of 10 Cats 10:00pm Big Brother 10:30pm Along Came a Spider 12:25am

Saturday

May 22 - 28 2006

Page 25

MonkeyPorn@GaveMeASemi.co.uk

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters Gordon the Garden Gnome BBC2 6:00am

Doctor Who

BBC1 7pm

Chantelles Dream Dates

C4 1:30pm

Fifth Gear

C5 11:40am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Strictly Dance Fever on Three 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:15pm Grown Ups 8:45pm To Be Announced 9:15pm Q &#38; A 11:20pm The Message 11:50pm The Real Hustle 12:50pm Paparazzi 1:50am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 2:50am The Real Hustle 3:20am The Real Hustle Amusing Quotes from Bash.Org <JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book <JonJonB> Let's see the results... <JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he? <JonJonB> Something silverwhite, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang.

7:00pm To Be Announced Its three hours long, and it hasn’t been announced yet, so im guessing it’s a show covering the rise and fall of Stalin, or some other boring documentary you will start watching to be impressive and knowledgeable in front of parents, flatmates or people you wanna see naked.

And then after five minutes you will realise how bored you are, how little you care and how documentaries about bloodthirsty dictators doesn’t really set the mood. But you will have to keep watching, because they might look interested, and you want to appear cultured and be able to make insightful comments about these things in the hope they find insightful comments about bloodthirsty dictators arousing.

Hmmmm Stalin… oh yer baby…Nah they will go home after thinking you’re a freak for making them watch it.. 10:00pm Copenhagen 11:30pm The Mark Steel Lecture 12:00pm To Be Announced 3:30am The Mark Steel Lecture

Bad Bad Kitty.

6:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse 7:20am MacDonald's Farm 7:40am Bag People 8:10am Woodpecker's Tale 8:25am Mags and Mo 8:40am Babar 9:00am Time to Dance 9:10am Teleshopping 9:25am Emmerdale Omnibus 12:10am Coronation Street Omnibus 2:10pm Holiday Showdown 3:30pm Celebrity Fit Club USA 4:30pm Make Me Rich 5:00pm Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Celebrity 6:00pm The British Soap Awards 2006: The Stars ArriveThis is like our version of the Oscars… they have Gwyneth Paltrow… we have Pat Butcher.7:00pm The British Soap Awards 2006 East enders will win everything, and no one will mention Sunset Beach, truly the greatest soap ever made.

They may pretend its gone by not talking about it BUT I REMEMBER.9:00pm The British Soap Awards 2006: Backstage 10:00pm Film To Be Announced 12:30pm Lip Service 1:00am ITV Play: Quizmania 3:30am Emmerdale Omnibus If Tv Gareths hair looks rubbish ill cry. we have a gig tonight.

6:00am Big Brother Live 10:00am Big Brother's Little Brother 10:30am Big Brother: Live Eviction 11:30am Big Brother: Live Eviction 12:00am Big Brother Live 1:30pm Totally Frank 2:00pm The Album Chart The Red Hot Chilli Peppers are number one. abandon Earth.

Show 2:30pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm The Pepsi Max World Challenge 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm To Be Announced 10:00pm To Be Announced 11:00pm Big Brother Live Its all just FREAKING Big Brother anyway. I mean I like it but I do not want to watch them sleep, eat and generally sit on their arses. I have neighbours to spy on for that. Yes thats right man opposite my house, i can see you when you wonder around in a towel with the curtains open. Now seeing as you people dont know where i live or what i look like i could be talking to any of you....but yes it is the guy on Senghennydd Road with the birthmark on his right buttcheek.

6:00am Sunrise 6:55am Oswald 7:10am Oswald 7:30am The Save-Ums! 7:45am The SaveUms! 8:00am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:15am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:35am The Book of Pooh 9:05am Gerald McBoing Boing 9:40am Don't Blame the Koalas 10:10am RAD: The Groms Down Under 10:40am No Girls Allowed 11:40am Fifth Gear 12:40am Ride a Crooked Trail 2:25pm The Soul Collector 4:10pm Charmed 5:10pm Cocoon: The Return what a film! The old age pensioners that left at the end of the first film come back to earth to visit their relatives. Will they all decide to go back to the planet where no-one grows old, or will they be tempted to stay back on earth? Hmm on one hand you can stay on Earth, home of Tom Cruise and die knowing he exists… or you can go to another planet where ice cream comes out of the taps, and bunnys dance naked in the streets and live forever. My that’s difficult.

Actually I haven’t seen the end of this but I freaking bet they stay on Earth. Bet the American Government paid them at the time so that Earth would look like the better choice over eternal life. 7:15pm Cricket on Five 8:00pm NCIS 8:55pm five news and sport 9:10pm CSI:NY 10:10pm Law and Order: Criminal Intent 11:10pm Nurse Betty My guess is porn. If its not, im sorry for your semi.1:05am Quiz Call 5:35am Wildlife SOS Things i have been enjoying this week: Flyering for the barfly, wearing fan art for the Dresden Dolls at the Astoria and seeing Amanda Palmer (who is a god amongst women.) and eating feta cheese.

PRIMETIME

6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People 7:00am Adrenalin Rush 7:30am British F3 International Series 8:00am The Morning Line 9:00am T4:Big Brother's Little Brother 9:30am T4:Pure T4 10:00am T4:Friends 10:30am T4:Popworld 11:15am To Be Announced 11:30am T4:Friends 12:00am T4:Big Brother 1:00pm T4:Big Brother 1:30pm Chantelle's Dream Dates Oh Chantelle, wont you just die already. 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:15pm To Be Announced 4:45pm Wife Swap 5:45pm Deal or No Deal 6:30pm Channel 4 News 7:00pm To Be Announced lots and lots of dead baby jokes 7:30pm To Be Announced MUFFINS8:00pm To Be Announced 9:00pm Big Brother I bet by now your addicted, you better fucking be. My flatmate was moaning about how stupid it is and what it says about todays society and blah blah blah…. Who cares, its like Ricki Lake, you watch it and go “well, at least I’m not like them.” It’s a universal pat on the back for insecure/smelly people.

10:00pm Film To Be Announced 11:45pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 12:45pm 4 Music:The Album Chart Show 1:15am 4 Music:The Nokia Isle of Wight Festival 1:45am 4 Music:Rockfeedback 2:15am 4 Music:Michael Jackson's Moments 2:20am Big Brother Live 4:25am Wild Things 5:10am Countdown 5:55am The Hoobs NME’s hero of the year is Kurt Cobain. And Pete Doherty is number two. I might as well kill myself now.

TV Gareth is now getting his hair cut in the Gairr Rhydd office, and everyone is watching in morbid fascination hoping for a bowl cut

PRIMETIME

6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory 6:35am Little Einsteins 7:00am Dora the Explorer 7:25am House of Mouse 7:55am Dave the Barbarian 8:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Kim Possible 9:25am Holly and Stephen's Saturday Showdown 11:30am Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 12:00am Planet's Funniest Animals 12:20am ITV News; Weather 12:25am ITV Wales News and Weather 12:30am F1: Monaco Grand Prix Qualifying 2:25pm Destination Germany 2:55pm XMen: The Last Stand Xclusive I had a dream about Hugh Jackman last night. He was in my all action adventure dream in which giant students were crushing and killing people, and my stupid brain decided it would be sensible in the first five minutes of the dream to kill off the main character! That’s the film right out the window. I mean it spent five minutes building him up then WHAM crushed by a giant medics foot. 3:25pm Film To Be Announced “Ellens brain presents: Attack of the Really Massive Cardiff Students! (for about five minutes, then the main guy dies and they kinda start buying sweets for people to say sorry for squashing there loved ones. Might have been a game of hop scotch in there.”

5:00pm ITV Wales News and Weather 5:15pm ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5:30pm You've Been Framed!

6:00pm To Be Announced 8:00pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9:00pm To Be Announced 11:00pm ITV News 11:15pm T.B.A 1:00am The Mint 4:10am People's Court 5:00am Nightscreen 5:30am Morning News

PRIME

6:00am CBeebies:Gordon the Garden Gnome Gordon travels to Balthazar home of the mutant Pygmies and tries to recover the ancient ruby for his love the… garden spade. Alright what can a gnome for in love with? Coz Wikipedia wont tell me. 6:10am Come Outside 6:15am Tweenies 6:25am Bob the Builder 6:35am Our Planet 6:45am Boogie Beebies 7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:05am Arthur 7:30am Dennis the Menace 7:55am Watch My Chops 8:15am Trollz 8:35am Scooby-Doo 9:00am Mighty Truck of Stuff 11:45am Sportsround 12:00am See Hear 12:45am Talking Movies 1:10pm Film To Be Announced 3:10pm To Be Announced This week a report on why Ellen does not deserve to have 6 Chavs chant “sexy goth” at her as she walks down Queens Street. She is neither a Goth nor Sexy. And no she didn’t want to “show them her clit.” 3:30pm Flog It! 4:30pm Great British Menu 5:00pm Match of the Day Live 7:15pm The RHS Chelsea Flower Show 8:20pm The Culture Show 9:10pm To Be Announced 10:40pm QI 11:10pm Wonder Boys 12:55pm The Culture Show 1:45am Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University:Hollywood Science 2:30am Truth Will Out 2:45am Background Brief - How Bad Is Fat? if you cant see you feet anymore then your fine. 3:00am Uncertain Principles 3:30am Open Advice 4:00am Wood, Brass and Baboon Bones 4:30am The Secret of Sporting Success STEROIDS! 5:00am The Challenge 5:30am Ever Wondered why God invented Jaffa Cakes?

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

6:00am Breakfast 9:00am Weekend 24 10:00am Saturday Kitchen 11:30am Great British Menu 12:00am BBC News; Weather 12:10am World Cup Focus 1:00pm Grandstand 1:05pm Rowing 1:15pm Racing from Ascot 1:25pm Rowing 1:45pm Racing from Ascot 1:55pm 2:15pm Racing from Ascot 2:25pm Golf: PGA Championship 5:35pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 6:00pm Strictly Dance Fever Dance magic Dance!

Slap that baby make it free.

I saw my baby crying hard as babes could cry, what could i do? If you dont understand this reference u didnt have a childhood.7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm The National Lottery Jet Set 8:20pm Casualty 9:10pm Strictly Dance Fever 9:40pm BBC News; Weather 10:00pm To Be Announced 11:30pm Film To Be Announced Let the film this week be the first Two X Men films shown back to back in preparation for the upcoming release of the third. I cant wait for Jean Grey to come back as the Phoenix. And for all you fools who thought she died at the end of the second one, then I laugh at you and your ignorant ways. Hahaha etc.

(Tip: for best effect say this out loud whilst looking in the mirror and wearing an Ellen mask, You will really feel like I am present mocking you.) Why do you think all us geeks who were watching it at the cinema weren’t crying into our knitted cardigans? We were smiling knowingly at all you ignorant fools, who have lives...Yer and Wolverine is really an ostrich. Monkey.1:10am Friday Night 2:10am BBC News 24 x men x men x men x men

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Adrenalin Rush 7:30am British F3 International Series 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 10:00am Big Brother's Little Brother 10:30am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 11:30am The OC 12:25am Big Brother 1:25pm Big Brother 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm Newyddion a Chwaraeon 5:10pm Y Clwb Rygbi 7:25pm Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7:40pm Tan y Ddraig 8:45pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 9:45pm Y Clwb PelDroed Rhyngwladol 10:30pm Big Brother 11:35pm The Watcher 1:20am Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 2:20am Big Brother Live 3:45am KOTV <JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!'

Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang. <JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

Sunday

Page 26

May 22 - 28 2006

tv@savethesprouts.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Everybody Hates Chris

Lip Service

five 8pm

ITV 2 10.30pm

Totally Frank

C4 2.30pm

The Medallion

five 5.35pm

Call 02920 229977.

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:00pm The Man in the Iron Mask 10:00pm Grown Ups 10:30pm The Real Hustle I was meant to go see Richard Ashcroft on Monday, got to Worcester ready to go see him in Brum and I get a phone call from the ticket people telling me the gig was postponed. Not a happy bunny. 11:00pm Gypsy Wars 7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential If you fancy collecting some Dr Who stickers, run down to the newsagents and buy the TV Times, there’s a lovely sticker of our Billy posing against a wall. 8:00pm The Man in the Iron Mask 10:00pm Grown Ups 10:30pm The Real Hustle 11:00pm Gypsy Wars Apparently I have gypsy blood, my Grandad’s ancestors were Romanie Gypsies apparently. I don’t know if this means I’m a gypsy, I don’t think so, maybe I’m just slightly gippoish. I didnt realise it was posssible to write more shit than I usually do, but today has proved me wrong. Oh yes.

7:00pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 8:00pm Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 9:00pm Spirals 9:50pm Roberto Succo 11:50pm Tales from Spain 7:00pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 8:00pm Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 9:00pm Spirals 9:50pm Roberto Succo 11:50pm Tales from Spain ‘According to a survey in 2002, Brussels sprouts are Britain's most hated vegetable; however, in 2005, a poll of 2,000 people named it as Britain's fifth favourite vegetable. Brussels sprout aficionados attribute the hatred of the sprouts to overcooking, which releases sulphur compounds in the vegetables that give it an unpleasant smell.’ Brussels sprouts are commonly misspelled as "Brussel sprouts".

Don’t say we don’t educate you here in TV listings people, good old Wikipedia. The fountain of knowledge. I don’t like sprouts as they always seem to smell and they almost always taste like old socks. My chicken tikka sarnie from a certain university shop isn’t very nice either.

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am The Sunday Programme 9:00am Teleshopping 9:25am American Idol Finale 11:05am Film To Be Announced 1:15pm Emmerdale Omnibus 4:00pm Coronation Street Omnibus 6:20pm American Idol Finale 7:10pm American Idol Finale Result 9:00pm Supernatural 10:00pm Lip Service 10:30pm Coronation Street 11:00pm Film To Be Announced What the hell is Steph doing in Neighbours? Such a dickhead, she should have had the treatment, it’ll all end in tears... although rumour has it that neither her or the baby die, damn.

I’m just watching the Neighbours where Steph records a videotape for her baby and I think I’m going to be sick.

Lynne Scully has got shit hair.

One-legged Paul is like the mini Australian mafia, I love the way he scares Lynne, what a scream. And that kim guy sells hotdogs called ‘dildogs’, that is classic.

6:00am Big Brother Live 11:05am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 12:10am Popworld 1:00pm Chantelle: Living the Dream 1:30pm Pure T4 2:00pm Big Brother 3:00pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 4:00pm Big Brother's Little Brother 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The OC 7:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm ER 9:00pm Lost 10:00pm To Be Announced 11:00pm Desperate Housewives TV Grace is coming in in a bit to cut TV Gareth’s hair. I think we should give him a perm, TV Ellen thinks he should have a mohawk, but TV Gareth says he cannot expose his ears.

I’ve seen them, I think they’re cool, but I can see his point, Ellen suggests he gets them pinned back... Apparently it’s called a pinnaplasty... just googled it and it costs up to £2,800 to get your ears done.

TV Gareth has decided to stick to the bob hairstyle instead,as it’s cheaper. A correction of an inverted nipple is anything from £700 to £2,200. Just in case you wanted to know.

R

I

M

E

T

I

M

E

6:00am Franklin Roosevelt 6:25am Sailor Sid 6:30am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:55am Oswald 7:10am Oswald Mosley 7:30am The Save-Ums! 7:45am The Save-Ums! Starring Jens Lehmann 8:00am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs Starring Prince Harry. And a bucket full of drugs. 8:15am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:30am The Book of Pooh 9:00am Gerald McBoing Boing 9:30am Snobs Starring 10:00am Make It Big 10:30am Hospital 11:00am Match Academy 11:30am Round the Starring Frank Bruno. Twist 12:05am A Different Life Starring Hayley from Corrie.

Hrrnk! 12:35am Divine Designs Starring Hugh Grant. Honk!

1:05pm five news update 1:15pm Man without a Star Starring Fran Cosgrove 3:00pm North to Alaska 5:15pm five news and sport 5:35pm The Medallion Not starring Thierry Henry, Jens Lehmann et al.

7:15pm Cricket on Five 8:00pm Everybody Hates Chris Chris Rock vehicle which has a bit going for it.

This is despite having the following barriers to prevent it being good...

It’s on five. Yuk. It doesn’t actually have Chris Rock in it.

Its protaganist is a little kid.

And it’s on five.

8:30pm Everybody Hates Chris Starring Chris de Burgh. Obviously.

9:00pm Rising Sun Starring Manchester CIty right-back and all-round utility player, Sun Jihai 11:30pm World's Wildest Police Videos Starring Tery Nutkin and Sir Ian Blair.

P

6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People 7:00am Trans World Sport 8:00am Freesports on 4 8:30am Vee-TV 8:55am T4:One Tree Hill 9:50am T4:Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:30am T4:Big Brother 1:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 2:30pm Totally Frank 3:00pm The OC 3:45pm T4:The Pepsi Max World Challenge 4:45pm Film To Be Announced 6:45pm Lost 7:45pm Channel 4 News 8:00pm Invasion 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Film To Be Announced It’s probably not anything very good so I suggest you use this time to perhaps save a small animal’s life, knit a jumper, protest about some trees being cut down, draw a pretty picture or perhaps create a completely environmentally friendly meal.

Not easy. 11:50pm 4Music Presents... 6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People 7:00am Trans World Sport 8:00am Freesports on 4 8:30am Vee-TV 8:55am T4:One Tree Hill 9:50am T4:Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:30am T4:Big Brother 1:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 2:30pm Totally Frank 3:00pm The OC 3:45pm T4:The Pepsi Max World Challenge 4:45pm Film To Be Announced 6:45pm Lost 7:45pm Channel 4 News 8:00pm Invasion 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Film To Be Announced 11:50pm 4Music Presents...

We’ve got an argument in the office as to why TV Gareth didn’t get TV Ellen a ticket for some kind of music festival, apparently TV Ellen, “didn’t ask properly” but TV Ellen claims she did. Can you tell my life has been severely uneventful this week and thus I have nothing to talk about?

PRIMETIME

6:00am The Sunday Programme 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am Recess 7:40am Super Robot Monkey Team... 8:05am Power Rangers SPD 8:30am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Winx Club 9:25am Skillz 9:30am SpongeBob SquarePants 9:40am Harry Hill's Shark Infested Custard 10:15am To Be Announced 11:50am ITV News; Weather 11:55am ITV Wales News and Weather 12:00am F1: Monaco Grand Prix Live 3:20pm World Superbike Championship 5:00pm Wycliffe 6:00pm Grass Roots 6:30pm ITV Wales News and Weather 6:45pm ITV News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Heartbeat 9:00pm Midsomer Murders 10:30pm ITV News 10:45pm The Grail Trail: In Pursuit of the Da Vinci Code 11:45pm F1: Monaco Grand Prix Highlights 6:00am The Sunday Programme 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am Recess 7:40am Super Robot Monkey Team... 8:05am Power Rangers SPD 8:30am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Winx Club 9:25am Skillz 9:30am SpongeBob SquarePants 9:40am Harry Hill's Shark Infested Custard 10:15am To Be Announced 11:50am ITV News; Weather 11:55am ITV Wales News and Weather 12:00am F1: Monaco Grand Prix Live 3:20pm World Superbike Championship 5:00pm Wycliffe 6:00pm Grass Roots 6:30pm ITV Wales News and Weather 6:45pm ITV News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Heartbeat 9:00pm Midsomer Murders

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am CBeebies:Gordon the Garden Gnome 6:10am Come Outside 6:15am Tweenies 6:25am Bob the Builder 6:35am Our Planet 6:45am Boogie Beebies 7:00am CBBC:Batfink 7:10am Krypto the Superdog 7:30am Smile 10:00am To Be Announced 11:00am Film To Be Announced 1:00pm Sunday Grandstand 1:05pm Rugby Union: Premiership Final 1:30pm Rugby Union: Ten Seasons of the Professional Game 1:45pm Golf: PGA Championship 6:00pm Scrum V 6:50pm To Be Announced 7:00pm Top of the Pops 7:35pm How I Met Your Mother 8:00pm Top Gear 9:00pm World Cup Stories 10:00pm Terry Jones's Barbarians 11:00pm Funland 6:00am CBeebies: Gordon the Garden Gnome was a very nice gnome, he had a lovely home, shaped like a dome, which was the size of a large stone. But he didn’t have a phone which was a bit of a groan. 6:10am Come Outside 6:15am Tweenies 6:25am Bob the Builder 6:35am Our Planet 6:45am Boogie Beebies 7:00am CBBC:Batfink 7:10am Krypto the Superdog 7:30am Smile 10:00am To Be Announced 11:00am Film To Be Announced 1:00pm Sunday Grandstand 1:05pm Rugby Union: Premiership Final 1:30pm Rugby Union: Ten Seasons of the Professional Game 1:45pm Golf: PGA Championship 6:00pm Scrum V 6:50pm To Be Announced 7:00pm Top of the Pops 7:35pm How I Met Your Mother this could be rude.8:00pm Top Gear 9:00pm World Cup Stories 10:00pm Terry Jones's Barbarians 11:00pm Funland “Fun house time has just begun....dedededududu”

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

6:00am Breakfast 9:00am Sunday AM 10:00am Heaven and Earth with Gloria Hunniford 11:00am Bargain Hunt 11:30am Countryfile 12:00am No Variations 1:00pm Keeping Up Appearances 1:30pm Cash in the Attic 2:55pm EastEnders 4:50pm Holiday 10 Best 5:30pm Points of View 5:45pm Songs of Praise 6:20pm Last of the Summer Wine 6:50pm Antiques Roadshow 7:35pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00pm To Be Announced 9:10pm BBC News; Weather 9:25pm To Be Announced 10:30pm Film To Be Announced 11:50pm To Be Announced 6:00am Breakfast 9:00am Sunday AM 10:00am Heaven and Earth with Gloria Hunniford 11:00am Bargain Hunt 11:30am Countryfile 12:00am No Variations 1:00pm Keeping Up Appearances 1:30pm Cash in the Attic 2:55pm EastEnders 4:50pm Holiday 10 Best 5:30pm Points of View 5:45pm Songs of Praise 6:20pm Last of the Summer Wine 6:50pm Antiques Roadshow 7:35pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00pm To Be Announced 9:10pm BBC News; Weather 9:25pm To Be Announced 10:30pm Film To Be Announced 11:50pm To Be Announced Well it’s TV Gareth and TV Ellen’s gig at the Welsh club tonight so we’re all in the office early to do our listings because we’re faithful newspaper people. Aren’t we great? Aren’t we lovely. Aren’t we just. Oh dear I am so uninspired I’m sorry if this is poo. But I’ve just had my last exam! I should be drinking by now (1.10pm).

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Trans World Sport 7:55am Red Bull Air Race 8:25am Vee-TV 8:55am Hollyoaks Omnibus Can you believe Mandy and Tony’s baby died? How morbid is this programme? That other twin person’s an alcoholic, her sister fell down the stairs and no doubt there are a few more in the pipeline to die. 11:30am One Tree Hill 12:30am Yr Wythnos 1:00pm Maniffesto 1:30pm Big Brother 2:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:30pm A Place in the Sun 4:00pm Location, Location, Location 4:30pm Cwpwrdd Dillad 5:00pm 04 Wal 5:30pm Newyddion 5:35pm Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7:30pm Rhodri Jones: Yn Ol 8:00pm Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8:30pm Chwarae'r Cymoedd 9:00pm Con Passionate 10:00pm Newyddion 10:15pm Big Brother There are some strange noises coming from TV Gareth’s area. It sounds a little like he’s straining... I think he’s just thinking really hard as to “what’s hot and what’s not”, I hope so anyway.

Five Minuite Fun

Page 28

May 22 2006

screwtherevision@gairrhydd.com

8 2

9

9

8

4

6

1

8

8

3

9 1

6

7

8 1

9 1

2

2

7

3

7

6

7

3

4

2

5

1

6

2

9 8

5 5

2

9

6 5

1

7

2

3

4

5

7

6

Ah, he’s pretending to have a cock in his mouth!

8 10 11

gr’s budget shortfall curtails size of yacht

12 14

12

14

15

17

18

16

15

16

19

20

21

21

22

24

allowance 20 Result 21 Reach maturity 22 Very jealous (5,4,4)

DOWN 1 Dark, gloomy 2 Curly-leaved salad plant 3 Edition 4 Selfish driver (4-3)

18

23

22

18 Yearly

17

19 20

1 Police department (7,6) 7 King with the golden touch 8 Crowd controller? (4,3) 9 European holiday area 10 The Dorchester, eg 11 Section of a book 17 Illicitly distilled spirit

8

9

13

ACROSS

Text:07791 165 837

2

2

10

13

HALL OF SHAME

1

9

11

5

6 6

8

9

7

8

1

8 6

4

1

8 1

9 4

6 2

4

6

1

3 2

3

5 Nullify 6 Push about 8 Convert 12 Paddy ---politician 13 Crowd of people 14 Formal neckware (3,3) 15 Dessert apple 16 Largest city in Australia 19 Compass direction

ACROSS 1 Task (6) 4 Wilful destroyer (6) 7 The other way round (4,5) 9 Pleased (4) 10 Viking, _ _ _ _ the Red (4) 11 Pig’s noise (5) 13 Enclosure for birds (6) 14 Eager, zealous (6) 15 Mum (6) 17 Born to die (6)

25

19 20 22 (4) 23 24 25

Monster (5) Rampage (4) Make with wool Nerve pain (9) Musical beat (6) Behaviour (6)

DOWN 1 Puzzle, riddle (6) 2 Dry as a desert (4) 3 Dismal, dull (6) 4 Austrian capital (6) 5 Organ of smell (4)

6 Small pendant (6) 7 Difference (9) 8 South American country (9) 11 Avarice, voracity (5) 12 Scottish town (5) 15 Coalition (6) 16 Former Grand National winner (3, 3) 17 Mo_ _ _, politician (6) 18 More recent (6) 21 Exam (4) 22 Potter’s oven (4)

Ah, he’s pretenting to wear a hat!

James Twigger stars in ‘A Mega Too Far’

Said CF10 Mega... demolished

Car Owner Drivers Required Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff

ARF...

!"Earn up to £9.00 per hour !"Flexible working hours !"And Free Pizza!

Call: 02920 229977 for more information.

BARCELONA...

...BARCELONA

Listings

May 22 2006

Page 31

d e d n e m m Reco listings@gairrhydd.com

Paul Mer ton’s Improv Chums @ St. David’s Hall

Mon. May 22 8pm / £17.50 Schmit recommends

T

o be honest, elevating to the stage of a major, or indeed any size comedy club, full of pissed up punters ready to bring your carefully written, planned show, down at the first tumbleweed inducing joke is at times crazy. You would have to be utterly insane, stupid, or good to do this without a script. Enter Paul Merton and his Impro Chums.

Paul Merton and co. brought the improvised comedy format to the masses on Whose Line Is it Anyway?

While the show may not necessarily be popular enough for a primetime TV slot anymore, its stars are popular enough to enjoy a successful and immensely entertaining tour of the country with their tour: Paul Merton and his Impro Chums.

As ever, Merton made for a congenial host, getting the audience warmed up before introducing the chums: Suki Webster, Jim Sweeney, Andy Smart and Richard Vranch.

During his Comedy Store shows the audience members would suggest topics of conversation, which between them, Merton and his Chums would thrash out to an unnatural con-

Dara O’Briain

P ic k e of th k We e

@ St. David’s Hall Thurs. May 25

8pm

Harris recommends

I

t’s comedy crazy this week at Listings as Cardiff gets a visit from Dara O’Briain, Irish comic extraordinaire.

O’Briain has embarked on another national tour, following last year’s sell out shows, where he will once again be spreading his wit throughout the land. As anyone who’s seen any number of the many things that he’s been in will know, O’Briain is a great comedian.

He was last year’s biggest selling performer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, where extra shows were added due to demand, and material from his coming tour will be used for his first DVD.

clusion.

However, despite the tour’s name, the Chums play just as big a role as Merton in the show; in the show it was Vranch and Sweeney who stole the show, demonstrating flashes of inspired wit and performing remarkably nimble three-point turns whenever they found themselves heading down a comedy cul-de-sac. But, as with all improvised comedy, not all such dead-ends were so gracefully negotiated and, just occasionally, the chums seemed more amused by their hammy theatrics than the crowd were.

Let’s face it, this show could go trailing off on tangents that you didn’t even know existed.

Originally starting his career in Ireland as a television presenter, O’Briain, a maths graduate, established himself as a comedian when he started contributing to Irish satirical panel shows. He then came to the UK and over the years he has now appeared on numerous shows, ranging from Parkinson to Friday Night with Jonathan Ross to Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

He also holds the record for guest-hosting Have I Got News for You, the show that helped break him, having now been asked to appear four times.

Internationally, he has established a large presence, performing in Europe, North America, and Australia, where he was then asked to contribute to a televi-

... . . k e e w s i h t o s l A

sion show.

His most recent projects have included appearing in the BBC adaptation of Victorian comic novel Three Men in a Boat, where he, along with Griff Rhys Jones, Rory McGrath and a hired dog, rowed from Kingston to Oxford in a boat, whilst being very funny along the way and hanging out with David Gilmour.

He also has his own show on BBC 2, Mock the Week, which has been successful enough to merit a second series. Along the way, he has gained rave reviews, with the Guardian saying: ‘His set is a master class in intelligent, no-frills stand-up.’

So, why should you see him?

Because he’s one of the best comedians that you will see.

VENUES

Students’ Union, Park Place, 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park, 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach, 11 Womanby Street, 02920 232199, www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway, Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row, 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street, 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane, 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place, 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street, 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street, 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street , 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street, www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes, 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Canton, 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay, 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place, 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk Sherman Theatre, Seng’dd Rd, 02920 646900www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay, 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk CIA, Mary Ann Street, 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium, Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay, 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com

Robots In Disguise - Mon 22 May @ Barfly ... Jim Noir - Thurs 25th May @ Barfly ... Soweto Gospel Choir - Sat 27th May @ St. David’s Hall ... 65 Days of Static - Wed 24 May @ Barfly ... Serena Maneesh - Wed 24 May @ Clwb Ifor Bach ...The Answer - Fri 26 May @ Barfly ... Howling Bells - Sun 28 May @ Barfly ... Meltdown Presents Live Bands - Sun 28 May @ Clwb Ifor Bach ....

Th e Ho wl ing Be lls

gair rhydd

Sport Rowers and Racers bring home silverware in end of season showdowns

VARSITY KART CLASH

By Matt Hunter Karting Correspondent

By Kelsey Boddington Rowing Correspondent THE DEDICATION, commitment and harsh training regimes paid off for Cardiff’s rowers at this years BUSA regatta. Both the Men’s and Women’s squads had an outstanding weekend which saw the Women reach five finals and the Men pick up a coveted BUSA medal.

Following an intensive training period in Belgium the Cardiff crews travelled to the event, this year held in Nottingham, on April 29 with hopes of success running high.

Both the Women’s A and B fours rowed strongly through each of their rounds, this display of determination resulting in a position in the final for the 2nd four.

Superb rows also came from the Second Women’s Pairs resulting in a place in the starting line up in the final for Lucy Allanson-Bailey and Christine Binns

as well as a semi-final place for Helen Bidwell and Penny Challans.

Success also came for the Senior women’s squad in the ever-gruelling sculling events where three more finals were reached.

The novice women excelled themselves, going further than any previous Cardiff novice crew, they rowed past some tough competition and earned themselves a well deserved position in the semis.

Similarly both Cardiff University Novice Men’s First and Second crews performed superbly.

The Cardiff Seconds made it into the final 24 and then went on to be crowned the best University 2nd team in the competition.

Cardiff Novice’s First eight went further than any previous Cardiff Novice crew has ever gone at BUSA and reached the semi’s after a fantastic 2nd place in the quarter’s.

The Senior Men’s First eight were delighted that the year’s hard work paid off in the form of a bronze

in the 500m sprint. The crew pushed past stiff competition in the heats and gave everything they could in final.

The Cardiff men also performed solidly in the fours and pairs divisions over the weekend improving the profile of Cardiff rowing at a national level in the process.

It was unquestionably a fantastic event for Cardiff Universities rowers and as the warm weather begins to arrive, sights are now being set on the Henley Royal Regatta in June.

The following weekend, the Cardiff rowing squads came together once again for The Best of the West Championships held in Bristol.

The University Novice Men’s eight had a fantastic result missing out by just a length to Bath University First Crew.

The Senior Women’s scratch crew, rowed with drive and enthusiasm past both the UWE and Bath crews to take the title ‘Best of the West’.

CARDIFF’S KART team finished their season on a high in the Varsity race against Swansea University last Wednesday.

Cardiff fielded five teams of three drivers at the Llandow circuit in outstanding summer conditions, with changes taking place over the duration of each race.

Cardiff’s first two karts consisted of the A team drivers who competed in this years British University Karting Championship, with their other teams consisting of drivers from the rest of Cardiff’s Motorsports Club.

As the karts lined up on the grid for the start of the race, hopes were high for a Cardiff victory, and following an excellent start David Ap-Thomas took the lead.

David Rocke, followed by Graham Vooght continued extending their commanding lead, which was up to three laps by the half way stage.

Their lead was threatened by an engine failure and a puncture, but following swift repairs they rejoined the circuit still leading.

The field below was hotly contested, the sweltering conditions meant drivers were beginning to suffer as the race wore on. At this point it became clear that Swansea’s drivers were not fit enough as their lap times continued to drop as their drivers struggled in the heat.

After the refuelling in the middle of the race Cardiff continued to pull away with Chris Williams, James Lumley, and Rob Larque chasing hard in second place.

The final stages of the race saw Swansea’s teams desperately trying to claw back time, but they were completely out-driven.

Cardiff brought home the win, with over three laps in hand, as well as taking second place from Swansea, some 30 seconds behind.

Swansea took third and fourth places, with Cardiff coming home fifth, sixth and eighth whilst Swansea took seventh and ninth.

There were smiles all round as Cardiff’s teams collected the trophies, well earned after a hard days driving.

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ■ ROBEHMED: WE TREAT MY DAD LIKE A PERFORMING MONKEY ■ BIG BROTHER. SHIT NOW TV JOHN ISN’T IN THE HOUSE ■ REVISION, SHIT EH? ■ TAF OD, DEAD MATE ■ WHICH MONKEY DOES SOPHIE FANCY? ■ GREG ABUSES POWER WITH MONKEY ABUSE ■ GEORDIE IN REPEATED ARMPIT LICKING SHAME ■ FULL EXTENT OF OFFICE INCEST REVEALED ■ WHO SAYS THE GR IS CLIQUEY? ■ G***A L**G ‘THE UNKNOWN SABB’ 4 TALL, DARK & HANDSOME MICKLE ■ TOM BREAKS OFFICE, CRIES ■

Five Minuite Fun

May 22 2006

Page 29

allworkandnoplay@gairrhydd.com

? The Big Quiz

Helping the needy

Bigger than your mum

with Frey & Bentos

1. What was used for blood in the shower scene in the Hitchcock classic 'Psycho'?

A. Tomato ketchup B. Chocolate syrup C Cow’s blood D. Strawberr y sauce 2. How do you say Swahili?

A. Kalooba tinku B. Hubba hasana C. Hakuna matata D. Ivonna tinkle 3.

A. B. C. D.

“no

worries”

WhxSwydd/Job:

Operations Assistants x 6

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£5.49 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

Various (between 7am-11pm)

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing (from 1 June, 2006) Manylion/Details: Welsh Institute of Sport at

in

What is Bono's (of U2) real name?

James Thompson Joe Bloggs George Talin Paul Hewson

4. In Mar y Shelley's novel, what is Dr Frankenstein's first name?

A. Victor B. John C. Fred D. Vickram

Sophia Gardens requires 6 casu al operations assistants.

Applicants must have NPLQ & lifeguarding qualification.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

119

Swydd/Job:

Tele-Sales Agents x 6+

Ardal/Area:

Roath, Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£5.50 per hour (part-time)

Oriau/Hours:

Ongoing

Parhad/Duration: F/T (9am-5pm & P/T (5-8pm) Manylion/Details: Outsourcing agency requires tele-sales agents to provide

5. In which spor t would you go to a Basho?

A. Curling B. Shot put C. Sumo wrestling D. Tabogoning 6.

A. B. C. D.

Anteaters prefer what to ants?

Chocolate Sex Cigarettes Termites

answers:

dybear.

SAGITTARIUS-Nov.23-Dec. 21 Hello, is your decision to live in Namibia and have your child there something to do with an affinity you feel for the country or just more that you feel that you can shine a spotlight on to their plight?

CAPRICORN-Dec.22-Jan.20 Soup, soup a tasty soup, soup a spicy carrot and coriander, chilli chowder, crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth, I am gaspachio, I am a summer soup, miso miso, fighting in the dojo miso, miso oriental prince in the land of soup.

AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Gaaarrgh I am the pirate king, and this is how I sing. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Arggggh my hearties. Argggghhh look at my big, shiny sword. I could kill you if I wasn’t a pacifist. But watch me slice bananas with impressive accuracy and speed. Saying Arghhhhhh also de-phlegms me.

No-one likes snot sliding down their oesophagus. Ooooh-Arrrrrr.

I’m also Devonshire. But I holiday in St. Ives. I’m looking for a wife who can plait beards and has a penchant for long walks at dawn.

PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 To stop that pickled onion repeating on you all day, don’t eat it in the bloody first place.

ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 Your mother announces she is a lesbian. Not only that, but she reveals that she is dating your old PE teacher with facial hair and stinking breath. She then unveils her box of dildos, handcuffs, sports bras and a poster of Susan Kennedy during your sunday roast. And you vomit up your roasties on the spot in sheer shock. Just like they do in the films upon hearing that their life is over. And your dog laps it up.

1.B, 2.C, 3.D, 4.A, 5.C, 6.D.

TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21 This week someone will shove a vibrator up your piss hole, film it and send it to the world via Bluetooth. No one needs to see that. Especially not your Mum. GEMINI - May 22 - June 22 Try not to slur so much when you speak, we know you had a stroke but no fucker can understand you. Pull yourself together you drooling bastard.

CANCER - June 23 - July 23 You decide to invest in a paper shredder but end up slicing your hand into shreds. There’s lots of blood and grisle and flaps of skin.

But you start to gnaw on the debris and make a wonderful skin salad.

You become a cannibal and eat your whole family.

LEO - July 24 - Aug. 23 Becoming a druid will not fill the gaping void in your otherwise miserable life so why bother.

Admittedly, it would be fun.

Holding a phallic pole, wearing a dressing gown and whittering some whimsical shit. You could probably do some silly dancing too. But this joy would only last one day because you would stand on a hedgehog and have to have your foot cut off. And you can’t have a hopping Druid. You would be laughed at. So it’s better to curl up and die or become a pedophile. Beard is not included.

VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 You decide to cut that big, fat mole off your foot. Don’t worry, you won’t be bullied anymore.

LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23 This week you will become a cheeky muff. Ask no questions and bask in its glory. For soon it will be over.

SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 Pat Sharp fucked your brother. And it wasn’t in the Fun House. It was in your bed. You’ll find the lubrication under your bed with your ted-

mobile solutions for customers.

You should be confident, bubbly & self-motivated.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

120

Swydd/Job:

Domestic Cleaning Assistants

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff Area

Tal/Wage:

£5.50/hr(ass) £7/hr(Tm Ldrs)

Oriau/Hours:

Monday-Friday, hours to suit

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Professional home management service needs the above staff to assist in domestic cleaning for regular clients and one-off large cleans.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

121

FINISHED YOUR EXAMS & WANT TO EARN SOME EXTRA CASH? Instore staff/leafleters urgently needed all this week (22-26 May) to help out with major department store sale. Please contact us on 029 20781535 or pop in to the Jobshop (open 10am-4pm Mon-Fri, ground floor, Students' Union).

UNISTAFF JOBSHOP is a great FREE service for students. We are here to help you find part-time work while you study. Work is available within the University, Students' Union as well as local companies. You can choose from one-off assignments or more regular part-time work. The Jobshop is based on the ground floor of the Students' Union (opening hours 10am-4pm Monday-Friday).

Telephone: 029 20781535, Email: jobshop@cf.ac.uk