gair rhydd
FREE
GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR
ISSUE 816 MAY 29 2006
CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972
Mae Taf-Od yn edrych ar yr Eisteddfod Ryng-golegol ac ar Eisteddfod yr Urdd, 2006 Taf-Od looks at the Inter-college Eisteddfod and the Urdd Eisteddfod 2006
TV Desk on all the housemates Page 21
Media on Big Brother Page 14
Health on Pete Page 16
“I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO KILL ME” Student threatened with a knife in her own house for £14 By Perri Lewis News Editor A CARDIFF STUDENT was threatened at knifepoint last weekend when an intruder broke into her house and demanded money. The knife-wielding man pounced on the third-year Sociology student in her Harriet Street house around 10am on May 21. The 23-year-old victim said: “I thought he was going to kill me. “I genuinely thought that I was
going to die.” The man, who is said to be in his late teens or early 20s, pointed the knife at her face and told her not to scream. “All I want is your money,” he said. She led him to her ground-floor bedroom, but panicked when she realised that she only had £14 in her room. “At first I could only find £4, and I panicked. “Then I found a tenner and told him that it was all that I had.” The victim was woken around 9.45am by the sound of her bed-
PHOTO: Luke Pavey
ER BIG BROTH SPECIAL
KITCHEN: Where the intruder was hiding
room door closing. She got up and headed to the kitchen, but was confronted by the man brandishing a knife. “He was hiding, so he must have been waiting for one of us to come downstairs,” she said. It is not known whether the intruder brought the knife into the house with him, or whether he took one from the girls’ kitchen. “We think that one of our knives might be missing, but I didn’t recognise it when he had it in his hand,” said the victim. “We just can’t tell whether or
not it was one of ours.” The house has been forensically examined, but the police are still unsure of how the man got in. PC Bob Keohane, Cardiff’s student liaison officer, said: “It is assumed that he came in through the back door, which was either left open or had a faulty lock. “There was no sign of a forced entry.” “I urge all students to secure doors and windows at all times to prevent this kind of thing from
Story continued on Page 4
News
Page 2
May 29 2006
news@gairrhydd.com
At
a glance May 29 2006 News Editorial & Opinion Letters Mickelodeon Politics Science/Environment Media Health Grab! Taf Od Dear Amber Television Five Min Fun/Scopes Jobs & Money Listings Sport
1 6 8 10 11 12 14 16 17 19 20 21 29 31 32 35
EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel, Andy Rennison EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Jenna Harris, Rosaria Sgueglia TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Jane, TV Neil, TV Ellen LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor, Lisa Hocken TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval SCOPES Christina Lane FIVE MIN FUN The Cookie Monster HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou SUB-EDITORS Catherine Gee, Charlotte White, Holly Marshall PROOF READERS Robert Knowles, Abi Wise, Jess Anderson CONTRIBUTORS Ian Craig, Ross Whittam, Adam Millward, Jon Tuscany, Jo Dingle, Kevin Lewis, Caleb Woodbridge, Christopher Leigh, Ed Vanstone, Andy Rennison, Claran Fry, Nadia Bonjour, Aline Ungewiss, Liz Stauber, Kathryn Harris, Geraint Brython, Gill Roberts, James Woodroof ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union
STRIKE UPDATE
A-LEVEL UPGRADES By Ian Craig Reporter NEW PLANS designed to help students who do better than expected in A-levels have been announced by the government. From 2008, students will have an ‘upgrade week’ following the publication of their A-Level results where they will be able to seek better places while holding on to their existing offers. Ministers hope to move to a full system of ‘post-qualification applications’ by 2012, where all students
would apply for university places after they get their results, rather than on the basis of teachers’ predictions. Such a system is likely to require exam boards to produce results earlier, and universities to begin their academic year in middle or late October. Higher Education Minister Bill Rammell said half of teachers’ predictions turned out to be wrong and comprehensive school students are most disadvantaged under the current system. It is hoped that the changes will help 9,000 students a year, with students from poorer backgrounds benefiting the most.
Unions involved equally insistent that they will continue until a better offer is made, the talks appeared to be good natured but ultimately unproductive. Vice-Chancellors in other parts of the country are now taking the step of actively withholding the pay of those lecturers who are involved in the strike action. Bristol University began withholding 30 per cent of the wages of staff who are currently refusing to mark scripts. The NUS President, Kat Fletcher, voiced her frustration in an article on the Education Guardian’s website this week. She said that there was ‘nothing more’ that they could do in order to help facilitate an end to the dispute. With a Press Association survey revealing that there is now ‘exam chaos’ at one in five universities, and exams cancelled or ‘on hold’ at 19 per cent of the institutions surveyed, the disruption to students at this crucial time of year does not appear to be getting any less.
Word on the street: has the strike gone on too long? “One of my assignments was due in this week, and it hasn’t even been set yet. Lecturers should have taken the action to the people that pay them, instead of using us to make their point. Perhaps that would have resolved the matter already. But the University hasn’t done much to bring the situation to an end. Students have suffered when no on else has.”
“The pay structure for lecturers at the moment doesn’t seem fair, so I support the lecturers’ cause. I know it’s disturbing a lot of people but they’ve got a good reason for the strike. I know that if I was a third year now though I’d be worried about getting through my degree. It’s gone on too long now and needs to be resolved.”
“ The universities aren’t compromising with the lecturers; it’s a joke. The communication from lecturers to students hasn’t been good enough. We’re unsure as to how or if it’s going to affect us, and the exact reasons behind the strike are still a bit vague to some people. We do understand and support the reasons to strike though. The only way for the lecturers to make a big impact is to strike.
Bethany, Second year Music
Paul, First Year Marine Biology
Becky and Jenna, Second Year Anatomy
LOCAL FOCUS A soapbox for the views of Cardiff residents How long has Tan City been open? The new owner took over four weeks ago and it’s been newly refurbished, the interior has been painted and we have a new sunbed.
Name: Nicola Location: Tan City Title: Assistant PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH
AS THE LECTURERS’ assessment boycott continues into its fourth month, students in Cardiff appear to be weathering the storm relatively unscathed. With all examinations going ahead according to the University’s plan, the problems associated with exam scripts not being written appear to have been avoided completely. The next task for those at the top in Cardiff will be to ensure that the work of all graduating students is returned marked in time for graduation ceremonies over the summer. On a national level, this week saw the University and College Employers Association (UCEA) top brass hauled in-front of the House of Commons’ Education Select Committee to answer questions about the actions they were taking regarding the ongoing dispute. With UCEA still insisting that the 12.6% pay offer over three years already on the table is their absolute last offer, and the
What are your opening hours? 10am to 7pm Monday to Saturday. What percentage of your cus-
tomers are students? About 99%. What do you think of the students that come in to your store? Brilliant – I can’t fault them! I had different feelings about students until I started working here, but no. They’re great. What proportion of your clients are men?
About 1/2 and 1/2 - they’re not bothered. Or they are [bothered about getting a tan]! What are your top deals? Throughout May and June you can get unlimited sunbed use for a month for £20. Or you can buy three six minute sessions and get your 4th session free. Plus, students get a 10% discount off all treatments. Interview by Joanna Dingle
News
May 29 2006
Page 3
news@gairrhydd.com
By Ross Whittam Reporter THERE HAS been outrage across Wales after two Big Brother contestants were told that speaking in Welsh was the equivalent of speaking ‘in code’. Glyn Wise, 18, and Imogen Thomas, 23, had spoken to each other in their native language but Glyn was called to the diary room and told off for doing so. Lisa Francis, Welsh Conservatives’ spokeswoman on the Welsh language said: “It is outrageous that two Welsh speakers have been banned from speaking their own language. For Big Brother to suggest that speaking Welsh could be considered talking in code is nothing short of an insult to the people of Wales.” The Welsh Language Act 1993 gave equal status in law to English and Welsh and obliges all public sector organisations to treat the two languages on an equal basis. A spokesman for the Welsh Language Society said: “Are we
SUPERSIZE
THE n i a g A s e k Stri By Jon Tuscany Reporter THE DAILY MAIL has jumped to students’ defence this week, reporting on the unfair AUT strike. The conservative daily, which has an average circulation of over two million copies, examined the dispute in a page 14 lead. The logic in their argument has been described as being
‘fuzzy’, however, following a statement in the article which claims that ‘students enrolling for degrees next year will have to watch their top-up fees wasted on higher salaries rather than being used to deliver a better education’. gair rhydd would like to know what the Daily Mail has in mind for improving our education instead of better paid, happier lecturers? Perhaps expensive new buildings to improve our education.
KATHERINE JENKINS: Clearly, not fat...
It’s all over... when the THIN lady sings By Adam Millward Deputy News Editor NEATH-BORN mezzo soprano, Katherine Jenkins, has said opera needs to go on a diet, to shed its ‘plus-sized’ perception. Feeling discriminated as a svelte size 10, 25-year-old Jenkins believes that opera has been dictated by the proverbial singing ‘fat lady’ for too long and that it’s high time it wel-
comed a new wave of more glamorous women. Currently touring Australia, the Classical Brit winner said: “I’ve never understood why anyone thinks you have to be 25 stone to be a good classical singer.” Jenkins’ attack, clearly aimed at some of opera’s most eminent figures including Luciano Pavarotti, who weighs in at 130 kg, was also highlighting the industry’s inherent sexism.
moving towards a state where ‘big brother’ is watching over us and deciding what language we can and cannot speak?” But the programme has denied that there is a ban on speaking Welsh in the house. A spokeswoman said: “Housemates are free to talk in any established language of their choosing. However, any discussion that is deemed to be against Big Brother rules may be punishable. Big Brother is multilingual and always listening.” They added that any Welsh spoken on the programme would be translated via subtitling. Psychologist Cynthia McVeigh said: “It’s really terrific that they have this language which is fluently spoken. They can talk to each other and nobody else will have a clue.” Time Out TV editor Alkarim Jivani said: “Big Brother has so much influence on fashions among young people, it could have a really interesting impact on the way young people perceive the Welsh language, and also how many people want to learn it.”
DEGREES IN A POD A LECTURER at Bradford University is replacing traditional lectures with ‘podcasts’ of academic seminars that can be downloaded to students’ laptops, iPods and mobile phones. Senior lecturer Dr Bill Ashraf has abolished all lectures for next years’ cohort of students in the traditional format. From September students will now be able to download ‘pod-
casts’ and listen at their leisure. Dr Ashraf is also offering a text message service for student questions which he then answers on his blog. There is no word yet on whether any of the academic staff here in Cardiff are considering adopting any similar moves.
US
gair rhydd has just one more edition left before turning into Berliner format for the first time in history. The Berliner format is a continental design first seen in the UK last year when it was introduced by the Guardian newspaper. gair rhydd is taking over the Guardian’s London presses for one issue only to produce an end of year edition along with a super-size Quench magazine which will be the same size as the Guardian’s popular daily pullout magazine G2. The format will also allow every single page of your favourite Cardiff student newspaper to be in full colour, another first for the gair rhydd. “We’re all really looking forward to bringing the students of Cardiff a great looking newspaper for the final edition this year,” said editor Tom Wellingham. “The Berliner edition will be a full colour paper, and the team are all really looking forward to making a vibrant, interesting paper.” “It’s a first for student newspapers in the UK and a first for the gair rhydd. I think that it will be by far the sexiest student newspaper this country has ever seen.” The Berliner gair rhydd will be out on Monday June 12 and will be available online on Friday 9.
News
Page 4
May 29 2006
news@gairrhydd.com
High society
By Jo Dingle Deputy News Editor THE BEST Cardiff societies have been recognised at the Annual Societies’ Awards, held last week. An eclectic mix of clubs and organisations gathered in CF10 to recognise the hard work and dedication of those involved in student societies throughout the past year. The Live Music Society clinched the top award, winning Best Society for the second year running. As well as organising bands to play in the Xpress Lounge at Fun Factory every week, the society has arranged numerous acoustic events throughout the year, and encouraged undiscovered Cardiff bands to showcase their talent. Ellen Waddell, on behalf of
the Live Music Society, said: “We all worked hard and totally deserve the award. We’ve put on loads of events throughout the year, including Battle of the Bands, which was an immense success. We should be proud.” The dance music society, Traffic, which is the fourth biggest of all Cardiff’s societies, won Best Website; meanwhile Best Event was won jointly between the Real Ale and Malaysian Societies. The Malaysian Society organised the Festival of Diversity, held in February, for the third year running, where people from all walks of life were invited to experience a taste of Malaysian culture. Meanwhile the Real Ale and Cider society hosted the Beer Festival in March. Both were a huge success.
WINNERS: The LMS show off their award
Continued from front page happening.” The victim is said to be recovering after the incident. Her housemate, a third-year Journalism student said: “She’s getting over it, but she’s still in shock. “It is a shame that it happened now because she’s still got four exams left and talking to the police and visiting the police station has taken up quite a lot of her time.” The intruder has been described as a small, white man with a small face. He has short brown hair and may have brown eyes. Police are appealing for anyone with information to come forward. If you know anything about this incident contact Detective Constable Simon Hunt on 02920527267 or Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111.
CRIME SCENE: Victim’ s house
Cardiff Uni scientist in Einstein’s league By Adam Millward Deputy News Editor A CARDIFF University scientist has been made a Fellow of the Royal Society for his extensive research into animal psychology. Only offered to 44 experts each year, it is a distinguished honour held by the scientific and engineering elite, across the world. The award is so highly esteemed that it is seen as second only to the Nobel Prize. Professor John Pearce, who has worked at Cardiff University’s School of Psychology since 1980, has become an eminent figure in the field of animal physiology and behaviour. He has achieved success through various means, the most well-known, probably being his BBC2 series
tigious position. Animal Minds. He joins Professor He has also Dianne Edwards published text(School of Earth, books and Ocean and more than a P l a n e t a r y hundred jourScience), Professor nal articles Sir Martin Evans and played a (School of major role in Biosciences) and the developProfessor Christopher ment of a Welsh PEARCE: ‘Delighted’ Hooley (School of annual conferMathematics). ence that focuses upon Professor Pearce says that he animal minds. Professor Pearce is joining an feels extremely privileged by his elecexclusive club whose members, to tion. “I am delighted. I see this not date, include Isaac Newton (elected only as an honour for myself but for 1672), Charles Babbage (1816), the School and the University. “It can only add to Cardiff’s reputaAlbert Einstein (1921) and Stephen tion nationally and internationally for Hawking (1974). Pearce is not the first lecturer at the highest standards of academic Cardiff University to receive this pres- research.”
Letter to Tony THE SABBATICAL team at Cardiff Students’ Union have often been accused of being a hairy, horny bunch, but never before has this phrase rung quite so true. Dressing up in long blonde wigs and funny hats, the team boarded inflatable rigid boats and crossed the Bristol channel to help
the Aldwych group’s campaign to keep the cap on top-up fees. They delivered a letter, which has been signed by students around the UK, to Bristol University. The letter, which calls on the government to keep a cap top-up fees, will eventually be delivered to Prime Minister Tony Blair.
Cardiff wireless By Jo Dingle Deputy News Editor CARDIFF IS to become one of the UK’s first ‘Wireless Cities’. Students, those on business and visitors to the area could all benefit from the scheme that will see Cardiff become one of the first cities in Britain to provide such a wide ‘wi-fi’ network. Cardiff Council is collaborating with BT to provide wireless broadband Internet from over 50 locations around Cardiff by the summer. The rollout has already started, and much of the city centre is already covered by BT’s wireless Openzone network. Expansion of the service means that soon people could be surfing the net whilst waiting for a bus or train, in phone boxes, or whilst having a picnic in the park. Steve Andrews, BT’s chief, said: “This is the first key step towards a future of rich, high speed services enabled by new technology.”
World News
May 29 2006
Page 5
news@gairrhydd.com
FAST FAT NATION? By Kevin Lewis Reporter AUSTRALIA IS rapidly following America in gaining a fat population - and this increase in obesity is even showing on Aussie pets. Although the popular image of Australians is that of healthy and sporty people, it has been reported that they and their pets are facing the problem of becoming an overweight population. Obesity rates have doubled in the past 20 years, and according to the Australian branch of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA), the same pattern can be seen in pets. The RSPCA has reported an increase in the treatment of fat cats and dogs as well as one report of an unhealthily porky mouse. Mark Lawrie, chief vet of the Australian RSPCA, said that this was a ‘big problem’. Surveys found that over 40 per cent of dogs and one in three cats are
overweight in Australia. The RSPCA say that the reasons for growing pet obesity are the same as for humans, including a lack of exercise and a poor diet. L i k e humans, fat pets are far more likely to suffer from heart and liver problems as well as diabetes. To prevent such animal obesity the RSPCA has recommended not feeding pets every time they are hungry.
AUSTRALIAN MILITARY forces have been sent to East Timor to help quell continued violence. 130 commandos arrived on Thursday to secure Dili airport for the arrival of 1,300 Australian soldiers. Weeks of clashes between security forces and disgruntled soldiers have prompted the East Timor government to call for foreign help. In March, 595 of the army’s 1,400 soldiers were dismissed after striking over complaints of discrimination and poor working conditions. Five people died in clashes during April, and tensions have been rising over the last week, leading to the current plea for help. As well as requesting Australia and New Zealand send soldiers, East Timor requested police from Malaysia and from Portugal, the former colonial power. Jose Ramos Horta, East Timor’s foreign minister, claimed that they
‘can’t control the situation’ and want foreign soldiers to ‘disarm renegade troops and police rebelling against the state’. East Timor is the world’s newest nation and one of the poorest. It was invaded by Indonesia in 1975 and occupied until 1999. The invasion and 24-year occupation saw the deaths of 100,000 to 250,000 people. An estimated 1,500 killings were committed by pro-Indonesian militia groups at the time of the independence vote in 1999. The United Nations, protected by Australian forces, ran the country until 2002 when it gained full independence. The violence is a major setback to the inexperienced government. The involvement of former army members and members of the police force highlights weaknesses in the country’s security forces. Australian foreign minister Alexander Downer said the role of international troops would be to stabilize the situation and provide an environment in which talks with the former soldiers can take place.
By Jo Dingle
Over the limit LITHUANIAN POLICE were so shocked when a driver's breath test registered 18 times the legal alcohol limit, that they thought their equipment must be broken. When Vidmantas Sungaila, 41, was pulled over, his blood alcohol level was more than double that which is considered lethal. Saulius Skvernelis, director of national police traffic control, called the incident an ‘unofficial national record’. Sungaila told police he had been drinking the night before and tried to freshen up by downing a pint of beer for breakfast.
THE IRAN PLAN
EAST TIMOR WELCOMES MILITARY
By Caleb Woodbridge Reporter
WORLD NEWS IN BRIEF
ByCaleb Woodbridge Reporter
-
THE WHITE HOUSE has ruled out direct talks between Iran and the US ambassador in Baghdad on Iraq. This hardening of position came as America, Britain, France, Germany, Russia and China met in London to discuss how to deal with Iran. In the talks, Britain, France and Germany presented their proposals for a package of incentives hoped to persuade Iran to give up its nuclear programme. It is said to include technology, trade and security benefits for Iran, and sanctions if Iran continues to develop nuclear technology. John Sawer, Britain’s representative, claimed ‘good progress’ for the talks, though no deal has yet been reached. Russia and China both want peaceful persuasion of Iran, and may reject the threat of sanctions. Other countries, particularly the United States, want a tough resolution on the matter. Iran has told UN nuclear chief Mohamed El Baradei that it wants to enter talks with the United States about its nuclear programme, but without conditions such as having to give up its uranium enrichment. It is now two
months since the UN security council first ruled Iran should halt its enrichment programme. However, Western diplomatic sources have told the BBC that Iran’s technical capabilities may not be as advanced as they would have the world believe. Iran may have relied on uranium hexafluorine gas bought from China in 1991, and may not be capable of producing its own. The West’s hard intelligence on Iran’s capabilities may be just as limited as intelligence on Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction prior to the 2003 invasion. Other nations still take the threat of Iran developing nuclear technology very seriously. “A nuclear Iran means a terrorist state could achieve the primary mission for which terrorists live and die: the mass destruction of innocent human life,” said Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert to a joint session of the US Congress. “This challenge, which I believe is the test of our time, is one the West cannot afford to fail.”
X-rated HUGH JACKMAN says his wife likes him to wear his Wolverine costume in the bedroom to spice up their love life. The Australian actor says Deborra-Lee Furness made him keep the costume after he finished making the third X-Men movie. He told Contact Music: "I feel a bit silly in that outfit but, believe me, my wife, really, really likes it. "They'll have to make a new one for the next movie because she won't let me part with it."
Badger in bed A NORWEGIAN MAN called the police after he arrived home to find a badger fast asleep and snarling under his bed. Police officers tried to remove the animal - but hastily retreated when it put up a fierce resistance. The rudely awakened badger ran around the room and ultimately overturned the bed, but his efforts left him trapped underneath with its rear end exposed. The drama finally came to an end after two and a half hours when a vet took advantage of the badger's unfortunate position to inject it with tranquilisers.
Editorial & Opinion
Page 6
29 May 2006
opinion@gairrhydd.com
Knife terror THE SHOCKING news that a Cardiff student was threatened at knifepoint in her own home is a harsh reminder of the dangers that students face when not securing their houses properly. Although it is not known whether the victim’s backdoor was left unlocked, or whether the lock was faulty, this incident highlights how easy it can be for intruders to break into student houses around Cathays and Roath. If students do not lock their doors and windows they risk being burgled, or even being attacked in their own home. This particular victim was lucky: she escaped relatively unscathed, and minus only £14. However, the next victim may not be so lucky. Knife attacks are on the rise in the UK and this incident comes just days after a hairdresser in Newcastle was found dead on the pavement outside her salon with multiple stab wounds. It also comes just two weeks after the young football star Kiyan Prince was stabbed in public after he allegedly tried to break up a fight outside a school in North London. Too many people think that carrying knives is acceptable and, although the Harriet Street intruder may not have been carrying his own knife but may have used one from the house, he clearly had no qualms about using it in a highly threatening manner to force cash out of this student. The Daily Mirror’s knife amnesty must be supported if the UK is to rid itself of this wave of knife attacks and pressure must be put on the government to increase the sentences given to those found carrying such weapons. Even students here in Cardiff are being affected by this new wave of crime and we should not tolerate it.
This is Big Bro’ AS YOU CAN probably tell by the saturation coverage in both the real press and your own student rag that it’s Big Brother time again. No moral dilemmas over whether to watch or not to watch here. As soon as it turns 9pm our office telly gets switched from CBeebies Sky News to Channel 4 to see what the housemates have got up to. Of course we loved Shahbaz, dear Shahbaz, and loathed most of the others but, as an antidote to the months of World Cup ‘mania’, BB is the best we’ve got. It’s cheap, it’s nasty, it’s rude and it’s a bit morally dubious but we love it. God bless Big Brother and all the double-Z list schelebrities who sail in her.
Is the nation’s favourite sport simply the last refuge for racists and men who can’t grow up? Christopher Leigh kits up and puts the boot in
A
s a youngster I was the poster-boy for indiscriminate, militant chutzpah and sniggering, bumptious rambunctiousness. I would bite other children at nursery and blow out candles on birthday cakes that weren’t mine. I’d kick footballs into my younger brother’s solar plexus and laugh as he cried. I was a cross between Dennis the Menace and Bart Simpson but fleshy and real, with less lovability and added schadenfreude. Tired with filling my days with listless mischief and bored mucking-around, I began kicking a football against the wall of my house. It was an epiphany; a lifetime of happiness sprang out of a summer of sunburn and ennui. All the best things are started in a whirling, rose-tinted merry-go-round of gaiety, gallimaufry and instant gratification. Trace everything you’ve ever really liked doing and its genesis will be shrouded in a fog of juvenile naiveté and preschool munchkinism. Do you remember the day you first appreciated music or watched your first properly good film? Or the first book you read that didn’t have pictures? For me, football was different. Perhaps that’s why I don’t play anymore. I can remember. I can pinpoint the exact time when I started playing.
The average football match is only a couple of notches down from throwing grenades So I carried on kicking the ball against the wall and in a couple of years I was awesome. That’s not arrogance - I was. I’ve not been good at many things but I was good at football. I could Cruyff turn like I was the guy who invented the bloody thing. As a winger I could cross the ball like Giggsy. I was as good as Shearer in the box and I controlled the midfield like Bobby Charlton on speed. I played for more school and local town teams and had more failed, sideline-watching adult fantasies lived out through me than you’ve had hot dinners. So, it is with some regret, now, that I criticize the institution that was the foundation, the buttress to my entire childhood; it’s time to say - down with football. If there is any sport that needs a nice big bouncing, bombastic lambasting then it is football. For future reference, I am a snob, so there’s no need to write in. Let’s start at the beginning. All boys get into football. If you didn’t like football, what did you do from the age of four to sixteen? Then you grow out of it, don’t you? It’s a phase. It’s the people who don’t grow out of it that you should worry about, like people who carry on skateboarding - it’s just not normal. The love of football as an adult must point to some sort of post-Freud psycho-babbling, revelato-
racial slurs. Oh no, those things actually happen at football matches. It is a game for horrible, repressed, angry people who need something in their life now that we don’t have military conscription or slave trading or corporal punishment in public schools.
The love of football as an adult must point to some sort of post-Freud psycho-babbling
FOOTBALL FANS: Shouldn’t they have grown out of it by now? ry insight to the male mindset, surely? Any psychology students want to get famous? Football can never be cool. Come on, Wayne Rooney? You can’t buy taste even when you’re on 50 grand a week. That’s why they all still wear blazers with jeans and crocodile skin shoes and drive those dreadful urban assault vehicles. Have you ever actually seen a footballer’s wristwatch? Football fans throughout Britain have been responsible for some pretty bad behaviour over the last few decades.
Football is the last bastion of white supremacy in Europe Worse still, go to a match in France or Spain or Italy. Football is the last bastion of white supremacy in Europe; all that lingering hatred has been squeezed into the stadiums. Racism isn’t acceptable in everyday life but, funnily enough, if you’re watching football, then it doesn’t matter. Say what you want about the players who have different coloured skin to you and the club might get fined a few thousand Euros but no one really cares. You don’t get racist audiences shouting at athletics meets or cricket matches. Football is racism in disguise.
God, I hate those metaphors that are thrashed out by macho-suited punditmorons about religion and war. Football is a religion and a big match is a war; both things that are fundamentally awful even in practice, even when they only refer to a load of mentally defective chaps who look like the middle monkey on the evolutionary wall chart. My point is, the average football match, in a stadium or in a pub, is only a couple of notches down from throwing grenades and shouting by alex wallis
FREE WORD
Football follies
Al’s World
gair rhydd
I was in a pub watching two teams that I can’t remember kicking each other recently and it occurred to me that most of the scum buckets who were yelling stuff around me were angry, I mean really angry. The whole room was charged with an air of suppressed malice and barely concealed violence. If you walked in front of the screen to get a drink, you could practically hear the knuckles cracking in readiness for the confrontation they secretly wanted. Knock someone’s pint over in that place and you’d have a 100-man barfight on your hands. It’s the same if you ever go to watch a match. The average football fan likes nothing better than a scrap with the opposition fans, or running on to the pitch at the end, or meeting up with hundreds of other sub-amoebiclly brained cretins in a nearby council estate for a pitched battle. At the risk of sounding like your grandmother, the language at football matches is simply beyond the pale. I’m surprised children are allowed to go to football matches at all. Last time I went to a football match I felt like I needed a long shower afterwards. Maybe that’s why they all grow up to be growth-stunted, gormless, welfare sponging, Escort-driving, remedialclass rejects. Football may just be entertainment for the peasants, but trust me; get out while you can.
29 May 2006
Editorial & Opinion
Page 7
opinion@gairrhydd.com
Physics, PE and pregnancy As a new survey reveals the extent of young people’s sexual ignorance, Ed Vanstone critiques the clumsy methods that pass for sex education in our schools
M
y first encounter with the nightmarish world of sex education was in primary school, at the tender age of 11. Herded into a musty, cramped school hall, we twenty or so navyclad scamps watched in bewildered awe as terrifyingly hairy naked people competed for screen time with equally terrifying multicoloured diagrams. It all looked very, very unnecessary. This educational video had no affect on me, as girls were rubbish. They couldn’t play football. They couldn’t run really fast. They couldn’t even throw properly. Worst of all, they didn’t laugh at my jokes, and when I called them names due to this error they told Miss Purslow, and I had to stand in the corner for ten minutes, causing an alienation from society from which I’ve never fully recovered.
prove one is not ‘frigid’, it is no surprise that almost nobody loses their virginity in circumstances that linger fondly in the memory. The pressure to be cool, to be in the experienced gang, is constant and often aggressive, and few are those who do not submit before they are completely ready. With parents often assuming their children get all the information they need from school, or just being too embarrassed and confident of the purity of their offspring to mention sex, kids are left with basic instinct and the age-old myths of the play ground: you can’t get pregnant the first time; Lisa Smith did it behind the bike sheds with Rob and now she’s got twins; and, the classic, you can’t get pregnant if you do it standing up.
What they don’t need are incomprehensible videos and condom covered foodstuffs
80% of teens lose their virginity drunk, pressured, or condom-less So, girls were rubbish, and thus I had no interest in doing just whatever the hell it was that was going on in the scary diagrams with them. To me, the most useful facet of the flesh-suffused film was its inclusion of a Genesis song accompanying the end credits, which, as I smugly remarked to my friends, my dad had on record. They were suitably impressed – nobody forced me to be goalie on that day.
CONDOMS: Know what these are, kids? But, as news of Britain’s youngest lose their virginity either drunk, ever pregnancy – a girl aged eleven – because of pressure, or condom-less, it swarms through the pages of the becomes clear that sex education in the tabloids, and a survey conducted by primary school classroom is a fundathe Trust for the Study of Adolescence mental necessity. Not every pre-pubesreveals that eighty percent of teenagers cent is as innocent, as misogynistic, or,
indeed, as musically knowledgeable, as my 11-year-old self. The sex education offered by most secondary schools, often too late for a decent proportion of the kids, is an absolute shambles. The one universal class taught appears to be the ‘How To Put a Condom Onto a Phallic Piece of Food’ lesson. Some get a carrot, some a cucumber; unlucky classes get a worryingly lengthy piece of salami. But everybody gets the food-sheathing: it is the core of the sex-ed syllabus. What else you get, however, is arbitrary and often absolutely useless. Due to the fact that only the teaching of the biological aspects of sex, STIs and contraception has been made compulsory by the government, in some schools sex education is limited to tangential remarks in year eight biology classes. The entire gamut of sexual knowledge must be derived from Dr Munro’s embarrassed, motormouthed explanation, and before you can even say ‘I put what on it when it does what and goes where?’ it’s over. With no compulsory guidance on how to withstand the perpetual need to
‘Experts’ were reputedly ‘shocked’ by the sweeping sexual ignorance of our nation’s youth. The survey’s finding that thirty nine per cent of people have sex for the first time ‘when one or other partner was not equally willing’ has been cited with horrified wonder by the nation’s media. But I wasn’t surprised. And I doubt you are. We students, unlike the media and the ‘experts’, are not out of touch with the youth of today. We are down, as they say, with the kids. Most kids don’t know squat, and the few that do taunt those that don’t. The ones that don’t then do the intriguing things they don’t know about to try to be the ones that do. Most of the time they get away with it. Sometimes they do not. What the 11 to 13-year-old population needs is a straight-talking, comprehensive sex education curriculum taught by people they can relate to people in their late teenage years or early twenties. What they don’t need is what I and so many others had: incomprehensible videos, condom covered foodstuffs, and unattractive sexagenarians expounding the intricacies of chlamydia. Unless something is done soon statistics like those found by the TSA will only get more and more ‘shocking’, and the poor girl who has just turned twelve, who holds the record for the youngest British pregnancy, will not keep her unsettling title for very long.
on, i n i p o y n a , anyone any time: OPINION@GAIRRHYDD.COM
Letters
Page 8
May 29 2006
letters@gairrhydd.com
gair rhydd letters page HELLO EVERYONE. I’m in a good mood, because I have just finished my exams! What a relief, I am so glad that my exam hell is over. I can now sit back, relax, look forward to the World Cup, and entertain you all in Letters page. I will take this opportunity to deliver a brief message to all my housemates who still have plenty of examsUNLUCKY! Anyway, on that note, I will get out of here, put my feet up for a few hours, and watch a bit of telly. Or maybe I should play Pro Evo. It’s a hard life. Good luck with you exams. Menon.
Social AUTcasts
So, the AUT has rejected a 12.6 per cent pay rise has it? (Comment, gair rhydd, May 22) What the article doesn't mention is that this is the pay rise at the end of three years, not now. Because the rise will be phased in, it amounts to an average of only about 3.5 per cent per year. The current retail price index is 2.6 per cent and rising. So the annual wage increase being offered after inflation is less than one per cent. Whatever you think of the AUT action and many union members as well, students and non-members don't like it - at least get the facts straight. Martin Elliott
Meningitis Advice FOLLOWING THE recent cases of meningitis at Cardiff University, the Meningitis Trust would like to offer its support to both students and the local community. The Meningitis Trust offers a range of support services, including a free 24-hour helpline (0800 028 18 28) which is staffed by nurses who can provide information and support to anyone who has any concerns regarding meningitis. It is vital that people know the signs and symptoms of the disease and seek medical attention immediately if they suspect meningitis. Meningitis is a notoriously difficult disease to diagnose, as many of its symptoms are similar to those associated with other illnesses such as flu. The rash that is commonly associated with meningitis doesn't appear in all
cases, so it is important that people are aware of other symptoms which can include: fever, headache, stiff neck, dislike of bright lights, drowsiness, joint pain, vomiting, diarrhoea, confusion, and, in babies, an unusual cry and a bulging soft spot on the top of thehead. If in doubt you should always seek urgent medical advice. Anyone wanting more information about meningitis should call the Meningitis Trust's nurse-led helpline on 0800 028 18 28. We also offer a counselling service, home visits and financial grants to those who have been affected by the illness. Yours faithfully Simone Lloyd-Williams Regional Development Officer Wales Meningitis Trust 0800 028 18 28
Down the Toilet LET ME ASK you a question? Why would anyone want to read an opinion piece about toilet trouble? A student newspaper, as prestigious as the gair rhydd, should have other, more pressing issues to discuss in the Opinion section. The same principle can be applied to horse racing- what has that got to do with student life anyway? Anyway, with reference to ‘Toilet Trauma’ last week, I have never read anything more disgusting in my life. Everybody knows that visiting the toilet is not a pleasant experience- but why talk about it? In addition, the article says nothing informative about diarrhoea or the dangers of eating too many kebabs. What a major disappointment.
Text: 07791165837 We were losing pool, then Left CAME! PLAIIISSSE MAII I BITTE THHE GERMAAIN SOOSSIGEE? Jonny Stanton just met the Comeplay girls and did a sex wee in his trousers. Good to have you back Chris, we were starting to think we would have to eat all your freezer meals. I’m telling you sweetheart... I AM Jack Bauer!
Oh no, i’m drunk! Benchy, set the table please. I love the Amber. Daisy do some revision or you WILL FAIL! Does anyone else want to slap that spoilt biatch Dawn from BB round the face with a wet kipper? She did have a big forehead. Fact. Dad?! Is that you?!
letter of the week The Big Issue IT HAS BEEN one long week. After five solid hours of revision, I took out my fresh copy of gair rhydd and flicked to the letters page. And to my disgust, I found that some idiot criticised the Big Issue. That’s right. In Issue 815, some guy called Tobes said that he evaded the ‘Big Issue f****ers’. I think this statement is morally wrong. Homelessness is a grave problem in society. Some homeless people work damn hard to earn a living. While many homeless people resort to crime and sell drugs, it is good to see that some people are willing to If I wanted to read about Big Brother or trash like this, I would have picked up a copy of the Sun. However, I do not expect to see such rubbish in our great, student paper. Hopefully, this time next week, I will read something interesting in the Editorial and Opinion Section. Yours, Unhappy second-year student
A Load of Rubbish WE WISH to bring the issue of recycling to your attention. As not exactly earth warriors but still keen recyclers at home, we have been surprised and disappointed to find no recylcing facilities available to residents at Colum Hall and Aberconway Hall. Everyone is surely aware of the benefits that recycling has to the environment, its future is in our hands. Items of recyclable rubbish which are not placed in recyling bins is taken, along with non-recyclables, to the land fill sites which are rapidly being filled with rubbish that is able to be recycled. Furthermore we are running out of space in our countryside for new land fill sites.
legally support themselves. I have some understanding of how difficult it is to be homeless. A relative of mine ran away from home when they were young, and had a rough time on the streets. Since he became reunited with his parents and family, he has set out to give homeless people advice across the globe. Tobes, you should be ashamed of yourself, because you have simply played the role of the ignorant student. I know how irritating it is to run into people with clipboards in the city centre, but this not should give you the opportunity to insult homeless people. How would you like it if some idiot insulted you while you were selling magazines on the
streets? The people with clipboards are doing a monotonous and frustrating job, and they should be rewarded and applauded for their hard work - not lambasted by losers like you. Furthermore, your letter should not have been ‘letter of the week’. I thought the ‘Balls of fire’ letter was much better. I am a big fan of the Summer Ball, as it is a great way of reflecting on the academic year. It might be a bit expensive, but there is no harm in saving a bit of money for an event which is worthwhile and memorable. I think the writer of ‘A Load of Balls’ should lighten up a bit and just enjoy life.
Every little helps and we were wondering if you could make efforts to ensure recycling facilities for future residents?
Stella and look worse than I do the morning after Fun Factory, people can start thinking for themselves (Perhaps they should have a (red) branded pie). The global pastry uprising comes in a long line of politcal comedy movements, which are changing the world for the better - let slip the pies of war!
Flat 6, Colum Hall
Bake for Freedom FOR YEARS NOW, left-wing radicals have been fighting the forces of greed and global capitalism with guns and protest. This is all very interesting but I feel that a new appoach is called for- how about using the revolutionary power of baking? That’s right, first they bought you bread, doughnuts and bagels, now the bakers of the world are going to free your mind! The concept is simple. Choose a target (vice-chancellors with oversized wages spring to mind) and head down to your local shop, purchase the nescessary ingredients and get baking. By doing so you will have joined a global movement of militant bakers fighting oppression worldwide. With all the talk of the apathetic youth, a pastry uprising is something fun we can all unite around. Instead of listening to Irish popstars who sound like they’ve just drunk 10 pints of
Laura Sawyer
Agent Proffiter
Please email letters to
letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life? Want to get your point across to the Cardiff student population? Then you’re in the right place! Email us your letters on the above address. We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also feel free to note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.
Comment
Page 10
May 29 2006
mickelodeon@gairrhydd.com
MICKELODEON All struck out
Green to the core
H
ave you not been separating your plastics? Been leaving your television on standby? Taking the odd bath? Well, you might as well have just kicked this panda to death in a foot-crazed killing spree, you monster. Or at least that’s the impression that I’ve been getting recently. Being a highly impressionable lad, the BBC’s Climate Chaos season and persistent badgering by every newspaper about either jetting off to foreign climes, or how far my runner beans have been flown to make my dinner is giving the impression that the world is on the verge of collapse because I forgot to recycle my Coke can at lunchtime. Well, I’m not going to argue with the ‘world is on the verge of collapse’ bit. But the coverage of green issues has recently got to such hysterical levels now that it’s totally unsustainable. By this time next year the BBC can look back on its climate change season in self-congratulation before completely forgetting it and moving on to something else; eco-tourism will (mercifully) be forgotten as an exercise in page-filling. The words ‘food miles’ will elicit a blank look from even the most hardened environmentalist.
Why do people say captive bears are miserable? You never see bears in the wild dancing Indeed, one of the worst offenders has to be eco-tourism. Rather than working out how regular tourism could be changed to be better for the environment, eco-tourism has been hived off into its own bizarre little self-contained world. It’s obvious that few would go on (or even be able to afford) suggested green travel. But it’s become impossible for the Guardian in recent weeks to have a travel section that is anything but an eco-tourism special. It’s all or nothing; either you spend a fortnight self-flagellating with willow sticks in Djibouti (having swam there to prevent using, horror of all horrors, a plane) or you have to stay at home in your grimy lives for the summer. All reporting on any environmental front has taken on Newsround-esque qualities (this columnist’s premier source of current affairs). News editors are faced with having to incorporate an environmental dimension to stories that wouldn’t normally have to accomodate it, so it just gets ostracised into its own screeching, self-important world. It’s easier to shoehorn all your conscience’s need to provide coverage of climate change et al in one foul swoop
PANDA: By not recycling this paper this second you’re killing the cutesy than bring it into reporting on a wider basis (re: Newsnight’s Ethical Man). It has become impossible to report on environmental issues in any real context. The real questions about how to deal with environmental catastrophes such as the Three Gorges dam are easily ignored because coverage of it is hived off from the wider picture. If the economic benefits and reasoning behind why the Chinese government were brought into the equation then the monstrous end result would not be so easily brushed aside as eco-ravings, but more easily understood as an exercise in autocratic wielding of power. Students’ Unions are, in many ways, the apex of flagellation with no resulting benefits (although there are mercifully many that are much worse than us). We’ve debated about condemning far away companies for their environmental and social policies. Yet do we have decent recycling facilities? Do we heck. After venting so much green steam, few have the time left to put anything in place. In the end, environmental issues are always going to play second fiddle to bigger stories, be it the importance of the economy, or maintaining a secure energy supply. But at least that puts it in a context that is absent from the current round of green noise. In the mean time, we might as well just settle down to some enviro-baiting and wait for sanity to revisit the debate. So what if you’re a-kicking the panda from this great distance? At least you’ll be able to cross Djibouti off your holiday list this year.
Springer ban y‘all
I
t’s just two weeks now until the troversy as Jerry in Wales, be it wonderous musical extravagan- through literary agency Academi or za that is Jerry Springer: The the national theatre organisations. The government could threaten the Opera comes to town, amidst ecclesiastical heckling from the future of funding for an organisation Archbishop of Wales and various that tried to do anything risky. Or, in the more likely scenario, the bodies Christian groups. So far the Culture Minister in the wouldn’t even attempt to stage anyAssembly Alan Pugh has stayed out thing controversial for fear of what it of the affair, leaving the Wales might mean. It would pretty much guarantee the Millennium Centre to make their own ‘artistic decision’ to let the show end of anything Jerry Springer-esque being made in Wales. Instead we can come to town. But it’s a useful little example to expect plenty of touring around illustrate the problems with the new schools and the Valleys in the name of funding system the Assembly equality to access. It’s a triumph of Government will bring in for the arts social engineering over any intrinsic value of art. I wrote about a couple of weeks ago In the meantime, the gov(Arts with a Capital F). ernment has been forced to Arts Council Wales carry out a review of currently gets money the future of the Arts from the government to Council, to try and allocate to the arts suss out what’s organisations. But going on. But it’s the government is worth going to setting up a new see Jerry in system that will the meanmean they control time; if the the pursestrings to government the major arts gets its way, bodies in Wales. Wales is The new sysunlikely to protem would mean duce anything that it would be s i m i l a r l y incredibly hard to challenging out of create anything that sheer fear. raises as much con- JERRY: Paul O’Grady’s twin
DOCTOR WHO Episode 11: Testing Times
Billie Piper & David Tennant are on the Woody Road BP: Bloody hell, it’s not Cardiff in 2006 again, is it? A Welsh bit part actor, dressed as a Pearly King, wanders past an Underground sign outside Hyper Value with ‘London Station’ written on it BP: I mean, London. Hello, are you common? Can we be friends? WBPA: Yes. Tidy. All my friends have gone missing, isn’t it? They all took delivery of these things called ‘exam timetables’, and vanished into that ominous building. Gestures at the Arts & Social Science Library Audience: Why does everyone everywhere in the universe have a Welsh accent? Russell T Davies: Shut up, that’s why. Scene opens in the library. Rows of illl o o k i n g , expressionless students work in silence DT: Oh no, these poor students are being forced to work despite the fact that there’s no point. It’s as if someone has taken all the humanity out of them. AUT General Secretary Sally Hunt enters. Extra tentacles provided by BBC Graphics, powered by the Spectrum ZX DT, as boggle-eyed and shouty as possible: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU’VE MADE THEM LEARN DESPITE THE FACT NO ONE’S GOING TO MARK THEIR WORK! The Doctor presses a button or something equally stupid SH: No! I’m filling up with humanity and caring about other people! It is making me die for some reason! Sally Hunt explodes. The library celebrates quietly. Audience: Hang on. Isn’t this what basically what happens every week? Russell T Davies: No. Audience: Oh, okay. *claps and lauds with critical praise as most original thing that has ever been made* Next week: some calculators steal people’s emotions, before the Doctor destroys them by filling them with the humanity they have suppressed, whilst Rose befriends yet another Welsh prole
Politics
May 29 2006
Page 11
politics@gairrhydd.com
House of Landlords PETE FOR PM By Andy Rennison Political Editor
S
tudents are perhaps more aware of their own homes than any other section of society. Year after year, graduates bear stories of battles with landlords, inept letting agents and the occasional rat problem. Any development concerning fresh legislation over student housing is, therefore, fairly interesting news. A fortnight ago, the House of Lords held a debate regarding new regulations for our student properties. The Housing Act of last year has recently come into force, an act which includes
one particular residential requirement that has raised a few quizzical eyebrows. The legislation states that all student residences that have more than the regular two storeys and over five youthful occupants are required to have a sink in every room. As open to thousands of complaints as many student homes are, I very much doubt that anyone in Cardiff has ever stood in the doorway of their bedroom and bitterly lamented the lack of a basin. The NUS, to their slight credit, have questioned this new rule, calling it ‘onerous’ and ‘unnecessary’. More worrying still is the suggestion that
GROTTY: But the house itself is the least of many students’ worries
victoriahall Cardiff QUALITY EN-SUITE STUDENT ACCOMMODATION Wish to continue living in halls next year? Information packs for all full time students available from January 2006 for the 2006/07 academic year and summer 2006 For an information pack
Tel: 02920 359500 email: cardiff@victoriahall.com
this move may cause a shortfall in accommodation available to students, with landlords being unable or unwilling to fulfil the requirement. The NUS wrote to the member who brought up the debate, Baroness Hanham, who then passed the concern to the Lords. The reply issued to these worries has assured us that the licensing regulations will be up for review in three years, the earliest date at which any alternations can now be made. There was also an assurance that landlords up and down the country would be allotted plenty of time to fall into line with their sink obligations, and that there would be no shortage of places to live for scholars everywhere. Surely the bigger issue, however, is that this piece of dictation illustrates how useless Westminster can be in aiding students in their quest for simple, satisfactory housing. With all the focus in recent years on anti-social behaviour, binge drinking and property market control, students have been largely overlooked from the Lords down. The reality that we almost all endure is that students are subjected and given secondary status when it comes to their properties. Parliament is not the only guilty party, of course. A few months ago, Bath Building Society launched a scheme apparently designed to allow students to sidestep such issues: by taking out mortgages and letting out rooms themselves. There are a sizeable number of things wrong with this initiative, mainly that becoming landlords just means more financial risk and more legal ramifications. But worst of all, it is just one more illustration of institutions failing to address the problems students face – deferring the responsibility instead. Hopefully in three years, the Lords will sit up and take meaningful action.
Blackweir Terrace Cardiff CF10 3EY Telephone: 02920 359500 website: www.victoriahall.com email: cardiff@victoriahall.com
Caretakers on site 24 hours a day Door entry system and CCTV security Television & Sky package included in each flat Fully furnished & equipped self contained flats On site management office Direct dial telephone in each flat All bedrooms have en-suite shower and toilet room Location within 5 minutes walk of Universities Laundrette on site
By Ciaran Fry Political Correspondent
N
o doubt many of you have been tuning in recently to watch Big Brother. No doubt some of you will alsospend 25p of your hard-earned student-loan to text vote for your least hated housemate’s right to stay one more week. But what is it about Big Brother that makes it so compelling? Perhaps because we get to have a little peek at the lives of other people, and to some extent, influence their fate. A few years back, they allowed voting to decide what challenges the housemates undertook, furthering the impression that the public controlled yet another small element of their lives for the short time they are in the house, at any rate. I would say that the compelling element of BB is that sense of control; TV entertainment suddenly
Great, we get to vote for the party of our choice – in our constituency at least. Labour got re-elected in 2005 on 36 per cent of the popular vote, so why did they deserve such a majority? I’m not getting into a debate on the first-past-the-post system, but I can’t help feeling that it’s even less representative than BB.
Labour have given us more than we baragined for Okay, so Labour got in with a majority despite less than half of the electorate’s vote. Fair enough; that’s the nature of FPTP. Since 1997 Tony Blair has done a steadfast job fulfilling all his election pledges – such as tuition fees. But perhaps I’m confused; I thought that Labour pledged not to go ahead with those? And what of the Euro referendum
DAVINA: The new Speaker of the House? became more interactive. What we perhaps forget is that the possibilities within the program are essentially controlled by Big Brother himself – we may get to choose whether, say, Nikki or Lea are turfed out, but it was still Channel Four who decided that they would be there in the first place.
Representative democracy does the same thing as Big Brother Our ‘representative democracy’ essentially does the same thing as Big Brother. At election time, we get to choose between Labour, Tory, the Lib Dems and a multitude of other small time and unlikely interests (BNP anyone?). However, the choice of policies (although theoretically unlimited thanks to third parties) is realistically consigned to a choice between Labour’s revised brand of liberalism on the one hand, and the Tories’ slightly stuffier brand of liberalism on the other. When a party gets into Government it is hardly any better.
which was promised at some point? That doesn’t look too likely for the immediate future; the ‘economic tests’ haven’t been fulfilled (ie Tony thinks he will lose it.) But really we should be grateful. New Labour have gone beyond their election pledges and given us more than we bargained for. I am talking of course, about the war in Iraq. Now don’t get me wrong, this is not another debate on the righteousness of the war, but I do feel that there should have been a little more consultation about it. Robin Cook resigned his post over the issue; much of the party dissented. The Government of course has a mandate to look out for the best interests of the country and act somewhat autonomously, but shouldn’t there have been some small regard for public opinion? Perhaps they thought public opinion was unclear – well two million people marching in the streets of London in February 2003 would probably have been a pretty good indication. We weren’t even asked about it. So perhaps the Government could learn a thing or two from Big Brother; I bet the voter turnout for this series is higher than for last year’s general election.
Science & Environment
Page 12
May 29 2006
science@gairrhydd.com
The green motors As the nation’s energy stocks slowly dwindle into nothing, Science & Environment investigates the possible solutions to an impending problem, get your cow entrails ready By Ceri Morgan Science & Environment Editor
S
cared by the rising cost of petrol? Or just worried about the greenhouse gases your vehicle is emitting? All current research points towards us using sustainable energy in the future to power our homes - be it nuclear power or wind turbines - so shouldn’t we be applying this to our cars? Many different alternatives to fossil fuel are currently being developed, so what are your options? Here follows a guide to what is and what soon will be available for you to use.
Sun It may seem a strange source of power for us Brits - considering the clouds that frequent our skies - but car manufacturers have been working on this for decades. Solar-powered car races are regularly held across Australia, a prime testing ground for such an invention. The biggest problem is how to incorporate solar panels into a car that will be marketable. Ford has taken the first step by incorporating solar-powered headlight into some of its cars.
made in the first place. There are a number of different processes, some of which are less environmentally friendly than others. Honda is among the increasing number of car makers which are developing hydrogen-fuelled vehicles. “This technology is new and we’re ahead of the game,” claims John Kingston, Honda UK’s environmental manager. However, cost is a major issue. There needs to be an established infastructure to distribute hydrogen fuel, and without this investment by car makers will be limited.
Grains and Vegetable Oils Grain, rapeseed and vegetable oils make the green fuels bioethanol and biodiesel, which produce 65 per cent fewer greenhouse gas emissions that petrol, when you take into account the carbon taken out of the earth system by the growth of the plants. Ordinary cars can run on a mix of 95 per cent petrol and five
Liquid Gas LPG, or Liquified Petroleum Gas, is the most widely available ‘green’ alternative to petrol. It is a byproduct of petrol, which used to be ‘flared off’ on oil rigs, as it was considered useless. Over 1,000 petrol stations sell LPG, and a number of car companies have taken government incentives to produce cars which run on it. You can also have your car converted from petrol to run on LPG for around £500. While LPG does produce less carbon than petrol, the emissions produced are still greater than other ‘greener’ fuel options, which will be developed further in the future. This makes car companies hesitant to invest in LPG, because their models may be redundant in five years’ time.
Solar power may well seem like a redundant source of energy for us Brits Hydrogen Cars working on hydrogen contain a ‘fuel cell’, in which the gas mixes with oxygen to produce water. This process produces electricity, therefore powering the motor. The only emission in this process is water vapour, but the real key to how environmentally friendly this fuel is, turns out to be how the hydrogen is
percent bioethanol or biodiesel without any modifications. If you wish to move beyond five per cent your engine must be modified. This means replacing rubber and aluminium parts with materials not eroded by bioethanol. This green fuel is still more expensive than petrol at present, due to the cost of distribution, and petrol staions which are generally owned by oil companies have no interest in promoting a rival to their product Supermarket-owned petrol stations have embraced the new fuel and now sell petrol containing five per cent bioethanol as standard practice. This is expected to become widespread as the government pushes towards the 2010 renewables target.
Electric Cars powered by electricity simply need to be plugged into the mains and left to charge overnight. There are a number of electric cars available, and their drivers are offered free parking in London and discounted congestion charges as an incentive. The major drawbacks are that fully electric cars cost up to twice as much
as standard vehicles, and essentially they are only as green as the source of the electricity, which at present could well be coal-fired powerstations. Also, these cars are better for city users than country folk, as their range is a mere fifty miles before they need recharging. It could be argued that this is a good thing, as it will cut out the majority of emissions from pointless short journeys, such as the school run in gas guzzling four-by-fours.
Organic Waste
When organic matter rots, methane is generated, and when this gas is burned, it releases up to 25 per cent less carbon dioxide than the same amount of c o a l
would in a combustion reaction. The technology to use methane as a car fuel has not been developed in the UK yet, but scientists are working on it. In Sweden, a number of trains now run on methane extracted from the entrails of cows slaughtered for food.
The major problem is that biogas is really a local fuel, which can be used in that region, but transporting it for use in the cities would be costly and actually contribute to fuel emmisions.
Ordinary cars can run on a mix of 95 per cent petrol and five per cent bioethanol
The important thing to remember is that as far as we can see, no single fuel will successfully cater for all of our future needs. The best solution is to invest in a number of technologies, so as not to put all the eggs in one basket. This way we can ensure a sustainable fuel future for Britain.
The solution
Page 14
Media
May 29 2006
What is the true media@gairrhydd.com
Press intrusion is the latest excuse for celeb breakups and conflicts with By Nadia Bonjour Deputy Media Editor
M
edia intrusion has often been cited by famous figures as a reason for breakups and problems in their private lives. The recent announcement from the McCartneys of their split proves to be merely another example amongst many. However, is media intrusion merely the price to pay for fame? After weeks of speculations and rumours from the press, the couple finally announced that they were separating. Constant media attention into their private lives was stated by Sir Paul McCartney and his wife as the cause of their split. After less than four years of marriage, the couple claimed that they found it “increasingly difficult to maintain a normal relationship”. Yet how normal can one’s life be when you are one of the most famous artists in the world, and a former Beatle?
Speculating principles Sir Paul married former model Heather Mills in June 2002, and together they have a two year-old daughter, Beatrice Milly. The couple have always struggled to win approval from his family, and more importantly from the popular press. A frequent victim of celebritybashing, it has often been speculated that Ms Mills McCartney was above all attracted to Sir Paul’s multi-million pound fortune. There is currently speculation as to how much money she will be awarded for their separation.
HUNGRY: The paparazzi await their ‘victims’ INSET: Sunglasses cannot stop the photos Ms Mills McCartney, despite her gaining popularity. However, she is not lishing paparazzi photographs of their husband’s fame and global success, has alone. Her case strongly resembles that wedding. Need it be mentioned, howevtried to make a name for herself. Over of Victoria Beckham, who despite her er, that they had settled a £1m contract the past few years, she has been an efforts seems to be mostly resented and with OK! Magazine. It seems that as active charity campaigner for landmines regularly criticised in the popular press. long as celebrities are getting money for Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael their sold images, the intrusion on their and animal rights, and has repeatedly tried to win the British public’s hearts Douglas were involved in a case against privacy can be deemed acceptable, or at and minds. Nonetheless, despite all her Hello! Magazine claiming that the mag- least with little protest. Most recently, Luiz Felipe Scolari good efforts, she has never succeeded in azine had breached their privacy by pubwas heading to be the next England football manager. Yet he suddenly withdrew his candidature, stating that “media intrusion has influenced his decisions”.
Victims of their own doings ‘Victims’ of such intrusions and claims are numerous. Many tabloid newspapers, such as The Sun and News of the World have frequently been taken to court for issues of privacy invasion. Many who tire of the media choose to alter their lifestyle in order to regain a certain anonymity. While some retreat to the countryside or foreign countries, others, such as Sienna Miller, publicly criticise the media. Ms Miller had seemingly tired so much of the paparazzi and incessant speculation of her on-off relationship with Jude Law that she expressed her thoughts of considering to stop acting all together in order to live a more ‘normal’ life, a bit extreme considering months earlier she seemed to happily embrace the media’s attention while her relationship with Law was blossoming and her film career budding. The press has frequently been accused of “blatant intrusion into the private lives of citizens”. Over the past few years, media intrusion has become a hotly debated topic. The media has often claimed a right to invade one’s privacy,
believing it to be in the public interest. Although many, and certainly celebrities, disagree with this statement, not seeing how the propagation of their latest marriage argument or topless photo is of any public interest.
Media attention cannot be switched on and off It is additionally argued by some that celebrities should expect to have less privacy than others due to their role in society and ‘celebrity-status’. After all, they are media figures and if it was not for the media they would not be as wellknown and successful. Also, celebrities seem all too content to indulge the press in some scandalous stories, interviews and photos when they require a little self-promotion. In a sense, they could be accused of using and abusing the media when it suits them. But they then cannot expect to simply switch the attention on and off when it suits them.
Celebrity-hungry The media are given the blame, the stars are blamed but the public is also blamed: They are deemed to be partly responsibly for the continuing burgeoning of this market as they have proven to be eager consumers of gossip and celebrity news. Fascinated by the lives of the rich and famous, it is in some respect because of incessant demands from the public that media intrusions and scoops continue and get even more ‘extreme’ and ‘personal’.
Media
May 29 2006
Page 15
price of fame? media@gairrhydd.com
the paparazzi. Media investigates boundaries and attitudes in the press. exceedingly high. Despite providing a compensation for the person’s unpleasant and possibly embarrassing ordeal, it also somewhat deters the press. Newspaper publishers will not want to be regularly paying large sums of money to celebrities for libel, breached confidence or privacy intrusion.
After all, when there is a hungry market, producers are going to be all too eager to comply and satisfy, regardless of the competition. Though one question frequently posed is: do the media go too far? After all, what constitutes an invasion of privacy and can it ever be justified? Some celebrities will argue that taking their picture as they leave a restaurant is an invasion of their privacy. Though part of being famous is getting media attention, and these complaining celebrities should be aware that attention and focus comes with their profession. If anything, although maybe cynical, it can contribute positively to their bank accounts. Additionally, some do not seem to shy away when they are being offered large sums of money for exclusive coverage of their wedding.
Transatlantic counter-
Despite the passing of Human Rights Act in 1991, there still is no established ‘law on privacy’ parts
Lawful boundaries Regarding the laws on media and its rights concerning intrusion, things are still not clear. Topics such as freedom of expression and privacy intrusion are some that have been heavily grappled with, especially in the last couple of years as the press has been seen to use improved technology and go to greater lengths to obtain information and photos. Despite the passing of Human Rights Act in 1991, it can be noted that over a decade later there still is no ‘law of privacy’ established. Rather, there is a patchwork of different laws varying from legislation, codes of practices and regulations that “protect some aspect of privacy but not others”. Not only then does it make it difficult for one to argue its case if they felt that the media had intruded their privacy, but it makes life very difficult for journalists, police and judges who have to consider each case individually, due to the uncertainty as to what the rules are. As politicians have also increasingly been exposed to the problem and are
CZJ: Legal action against Hello! regular ‘victims’ of such intrusions on their personal lives, they are actively working to try and establish privacy laws. In 2003, a select committee was intent on having “a system of media fines and an independent ombudsman to protect the British public from an overintrusive media”. A clamp down on media excess was strongly expressed to
Epitome of privacy intrusion By Aline Ungewiss Deputy Media Editor
W
hile a large number of celebrities fight to keep their personal lives out of the limelight, the new Big Brother contestants proved the opposite. Only last week, Channel 4 has been accused of putting on a “freak show” with ordinary people hungry for media attention and quick success. New-born celebrities such as Chantelle have proven how easy it is to gain fame and to live a life in the public eye in order to make large amounts of money. Whereas people such as Victoria Beckham and Sienna Miller do not leave the house without sunglasses, the Big Brother contestants are on display 24/7, and even seem to
enjoy it! So, where is the boundary - when should privacy mean privacy? Do we really want to see people like you and me go to the toilet, sleep or have a shower? Many Hollywood stars fight to keep at least a certain part of their lives private and safe, whilst others constantly feed the press with new shocking details of their private lives. It is arguable that the viewers are partly to be blamed. As we begin the 7th series of Big Brother an increasing degradation in content has been seen with more “freaks”as contestants Today’s audiences get bored much quicker and demand more exceptional programmes and news about people who have a much more extraordinary life then the ordinary citizen does.
the Press Complaints Commission, an independent body who deals with the public’s complaints on newspapers’ and magazines’ editorial content. Often, some will resort to settling matters outside court, coming up with private arrangements. However, many
are keen to go to court as the “damage awards” for media intrusions may prove generous. With rewards ranging from £20,000 to £150,000 according to the gravity of the intrusion, it has become a lucrative option for many celebrities. These libel damages are generally
The battle between paparazzi and celebrity is not exclusive to Britain, but is faced by celebrities across the globe and most certainly in the US. Celebrities living in the US are speaking out about their encounters with celebrity photographers and relating the increasingly aggressive tactics used by the paparazzi, many of whom do not hesitate to break the law, pursuing celebrities through car chases. In June 2005, one of the most popular American celebrity magazines, US Weekly, decided that it would “not accept pictures taken through reckless means”. This being one of the most important magazines for celebrity photographers, it claimed that all photographs taken by violating traffic laws, trespassing or invading children’s privacy at school would be banned. Yet, whether this form of action will be efficient is still unclear. Send us your views to media@gairrhydd.com
Health
Page 16
May 29 2006
health@gairrhydd.com
“W*NKERS!”
As Big Brother introduces the first housemate to suffer with Tourette’s Syndrome, Health takes a look at the condition and its treatment
What is it? By Liz Stauber Health Correspondent
T
OURETTE’S SYNDROME is a neurological disorder associated with so called ‘tics’ and impulsive outbursts. It normally appears in childhood, usually between the ages of seven and ten and, although it only affects about one per cent of the population, it is more common in men than women. The cause of the condition is unknown, but it can be aggravated by stress. It was discovered by Georges Gilles de la Tourette in 1884, after nine of his patients were affected with compulsive tics. It is usually - wrongly - simply associated with inappropriate swearing in public, but this symptom affects very few people with the condition. Some of the more common tics include blinking and other vision irregularities, facial grimacing, shoulder shrugging, and head or shoulder jerking. Perhaps the most dramatic and disabling tics are those that result in self-harm such as punching oneself in the face, or vocal tics including coprolalia (uttering swear words) or echolalia (repeating the words or phrases of others). Many with Tourette’s Syndrome experience additional neurobehavioral problems including inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity, and obsessive-compulsive symptoms such as intrusive thoughts/worries and repetitive behaviors. Tourette’s Syndrome symptoms can be experienced as mild, moderate, or severe. The severity is measured by the symptoms’ frequency, complexity and the degree to which they cause impairment or disruption of the patient’s ongoing activities and daily life. In its most severe forms, patients may have uncountable motor and vocal tics during all their waking hours with outburst of full body movements, shouting or self-mutilation. Official symptoms of the condition are tics and coprolalia, but also destructive behavior such as head banging and eye poking. However, there are also some unofficial symptoms as heat and light sensitivity and sleeping difficulties. A simple diagnosis of Tourette’s Syndrome would only require you to have these basic qualifications as symptoms: involuntary body movements and vocal outbursts for at least 12 months.
increase the concentration of serotonin within the central nervous system and enhance serotonin’s neurotransmission activities but can lead to drowsiness, blurred vision and nausea. In addition to medical drugs, various types of therapy have been shown to work, including psychotherapy, behavioural therapy and relaxation therapy. Perhaps the most important factor is that the sufferer has the support and understanding of their family and friends. For example, Pete may find it hard in the Big Brother house if the other contestants continue to find his condition amusing rather than fully understand what it is.
By Vanessa Roche Health Editor
Y
es, it’s that special time of the year again, exams are underway, and more importantly, Big Brother is back on our screens. This year’s show has brought with it an even crazier mix of contestants, including Brighton-based Pete, who suffers from the rare condition Tourette’s Syndrome. As it is so rare many people do not understand it, so here are some common questions about it answered: Q. Can it be cured? A. Pharmacological treatment of Tourette’s Syndrome does not cure it, but in many cases, the medications can help a person function despite some tics, reduce continuing mental pain and curb difficulties coping with problems. Like any pharmacological treatment, Tourette’s medications do not produce the same effect in everyone. Some people may respond better to one medication than another. Age, sex, body size, body chemistry, physical illnesses and their treatments, diet, and habits such as smoking are some of the factors that can influence a medication’s effect.
Q. Can the tics be controlled? A. As many of us saw when Pete entered the Big Brother house, stress can also affect a person’s actions and make them more susceptible to tics. Although these tics are involuntary they can be repressed for some time – maybe even hours - but they will eventually have to be released. Those of you following the Big Brother action may have noticed Pete escaping to the garden to release his verbal tics into a pillow, holding it over his face to reduce the noise. Q. How can I find out if I have it? A. There are no diagnostic tests for Tourette’s Syndrome, although tests are usually performed to rule out other conditions – such as blood tests to exclude metabolic disorders, and an EEG (electroencephalogram) to rule out epilepsy. Diagnosis is made on the clinical history – that is, observing the person, and/or by hearing the history of the tics from the sufferer or their parents. Unfortunately, it is common for the tics to disappear as soon the doctor’s surgery is entered, and to return again straight afterwards – tics don’t appear on order. Q. How is it treated? A. There are many different medications that can be used to treat Tourette’s Syndrome, so that the patient can receive the most personal treatment possible for their particular symptoms, thereby minimizing the effect of the tics on their daily lives. There are three main types: ! Neuroleptics (tranquilizers) – these counteract dopamine over-activity by blocking dopamine receptors.
PETE: suffers from Tourette Syndrome However there are risks of side effects. ! Botulinum toxin (BTX) - Tiny amounts of this chemical poison, which comes from the bacterium Clostridium Botulinum, were found to
temporarily paralyse muscles and nerves. It is injected into the muscles involved in tics. It is the same poison used in Botox injections. ! Antidepressants - These drugs
Q. How does it affect a patient’s day-to-day life? A. Because of the apparently bizarre nature of the symptoms, people with Tourette’s Syndrome can find it difficult to integrate effectively into society. This feeling of rejection can lead to psychological damage and only time will tell how Pete will cope in the house long-term. For many people symptoms do get better as they get older. Some people experience some marked improvement in their late teens or early twenties. Tourette’s Syndrome is a ‘spectrum disorder’, which means that the severity of the condition can range along a continuum from mild to severe. Those with mild cases may be minimally impacted by symptoms, to the extent that casual observers might not know of their condition. Severe cases (which are the rare minority in adulthood) can inhibit or prevent the individual from engaging in common activities such as holding a job or having a fulfilling social life.
Help others and Help yourself! Help in the development of tomorrow’s medicines today! & receive a payment of at least £350, which increases depending on the duration of the study
Simbec Research Ltd are currently looking for volunteers aged 18 to 75 years who can offer their time to participate in clinical studies at our modern unit in Merthyr Tydfil
For further information Contact: 0800 691995 or email: gareth.marshall@simbec.co.uk Merthyr Tydfil, CF48 4DR
grab!
May 29 2006
Page 17
competitions@gairrhydd.com
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
Do you Zushi?
ZUSHI IS Wales’s first conveyor belt sushi and noodle bar, offering a genuinely unique eating experience in the heart of the city centre. Freshly prepared sushi plus Japanese dishes with chicken, beef and pork alongside Japanese soups, salads and hot rice dishes as well as mouth-watering traditional desserts Zushi is open seven days a week: Mon – Sat 12noon – 10pm, Sundays 12noon – 5pm at the end of Queen Street opposite Sainsburys and Capitol shopping complex
How to Zushi It’s all pretty simple – and pretty cool too. Different coloured plates circulate around the restaurant on the Kaiten, a conveyor belt positioned within reach of every seat in the restaurant. There are 5 plates, 5 colours and 5 prices ranging from £1.50 to £3.50. Help yourself from the kaiten at your own pace and then pay at the end.
SOME PEOPLE say it’s always raining in Wales but that doesn’t stop the world’s top music acts from coming to Cardiff. On Thursday June 8 2006, The Crimea, Air Traffic and Jont are playing at our very own Students’ Union in the MyFestival Cardiff gig and we’ve offering two jammy students the chance to be on the guest list. MyFestival Cardiff (launched by MySpace) is just one part of a unique series of concerts that will see an
Whether you’re after a quick healthy lunch or a sumptuous supper to impress, Zushi to go has something for everyone. Choose from the extensive list of pre-packed Bento boxes, or create your own sushi selection from the kaiten, all freshly prepared the same day.
6 Reasons why you should eat Zushi: 1. Low calorie: 6 – 9 pieces of sushi contain less than 300 calories 2. Healthy heart: Seafood is high in omega-3 and omega-6 oils which promote a healthy heart 3. Lower Cholesterol: Sushi vinegar in the rice lowers cholesterol 4. Balanced diet: Sushi provides a mix of protein, carbohydrates, vitamins & minerals 5. Brain food: Seafood promotes brain development & can reduce headaches 6. Live long: Japanese people enjoy the longest life expectancy in the world
Life’s a beach
ON SUNDAY June 18 2006, approximately 30,000 flipflopped music fans will flock to Western-super-Mare for the summer’s ultimate one-day music TV event, T4 On the Beach. And yes, you could be one of them. T4 On the Beach is no ordinary day at the beach. Forget your buckets and spades because come June, Western-super-Mare is going to be bursting with enough live entertainment to keep you occupied for hours. And as ever, we wonderful ladies at grab! have laid our hands on no less than three pairs of golden circle tickets for the event. If you fancy a day out at the seaside with the likes of Basement Jaxx, The Zutons and
Which sexy Welsh T4 presenter will be co-hosting T4 On the Beach 2006? A. Rhys Tomos B. Owain Glyn-Davis C. Steve Jones Tickets for T4 On the Beach are priced at just £25 (excluding booking fee) and can be purchased via the ticket hotline on 08712302644 or at www.channel4com/t4.
www.zushicardiff.com
incredible 50 bands perform in five cities over five nights in the UK and Ireland this summer. The performances include a mix of recently signed and unsigned acts, representing the crème of rock and indie talent across the country. MyFestival events will be taking place in London (June 5), Dublin (June 7), Glasgow (June 8) and Sheffield (June 13), but the one every student in Wales is interested in is the premier MyFestival event in Cardiff. Featuring The Crimea, Air Traffic and Jont, the
gig boasts some incredible must-see live music acts. If you’re a music junkie and must be at MyFestival Cardiff, you’ll want to email us with your begging letter at the usual address. In addition to your full name and address, we want to know where Air Traffic formed. Tickets for MyFestival Cardiff are going for a mere £6 so really, there’s no excuse to miss out. For more information, visit at www.myspace.com/myfestival
The Kooks, then T4 On the Beach is the gig you will want to be at. Boasting an all-star line-up, the event has become one of the most talked-about TV events in the showbiz calendar. Hosted by T4’s Steve Jones, Vernon Kay, June Sarpong and Miquita Oliver, T4 On the Beach is set to be a scorcher – and while we at grab! are slightly tempted to nab the tickets for ourselves, we figured we wouldn’t be allowed. If you’d like to win yourself and a friend a place at the front of the crowd at T4 On the Beach then send us an email to the address at the top of the page. Along with your contact details, you’ll need to supply the answer to this very easy question:
Cardiff Students’ Union will be showcasing three hot acts at MyFestival Cardiff. Read on to see why they’re all tipped for the top: THE CRIMEA – After a number of years on the circuit and extensive touring, The Crimea have now broken through into the mainstream with their hit single Lottery Winners On Acid and major label debut Tragedy Rocks. With quirky lyrics, catchy melodies and songs to sing for the summer,
expect a killer live show and some bustling campus support. AIR TRAFFIC – Air Traffic - a young, dynamic, talented quartet who play what is best described as piano-led indie rock. These four 20 year olds formed in an abandoned aircraft hanger where air traffic control signals would come through their amplifiers. JONT – Having recently collaborated with Breaks Co-op on their latest album, The Sound Inside, JONT is a highly tipped new singer/songwriter.
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
Taf-Od
Mai 29 2006
Tud 19
tafod@gairrhydd.com
Gwyl y gwylio gydag S4C Gydag Eisteddfod yr Urdd 2006 yn dechrau cyn bo hir, mae S4C yn ymuno yn yr hwyl trwy ddarlledu nifer o raglenni sy'n dangos cystadleuaethau a digwyddiadau'r wyl Gan Kathryn Harries Golygydd Taf-Od OS NAD OES MODD i chi ymweld ag Eisteddfod yr Urdd yn Rhuthun, Sir Ddinbych dros wythnos y Sulgwyn, daw S4C a’i sianelau digidol â’r cyfan o’r cystadlu a’r cyffro yn fyw i’ch ystafelloedd ffrynt. Un sy’n edrych ymlaen yn eiddgar am yr wyl yw’r gyflwynwraig fywiog Mari Lovgreen a enillodd wobr BAFTA yn ddiweddar am y ‘Newydd Ddyfodiad Gorau’ am gyflwyno ar Uned 5. Bydd Mari i’w gweld yn crwydro’r maes gyda Sarra Elgan yn holi hwn a’r llall ac yn cyflwyno eitemau difyr. ‘Dwi’n ffan mawr o’r Eisteddfod – yr Urdd a’r Genedlaethol – felly bydd bod ar y maes yn gwneud i mi deimlo fel bod yr ha’ wedi cyrraedd,’ meddai Mari sy’n 22 mlwydd oed. ‘Pan ro’n i’n blentyn ro’n i wrth fy modd yn crwydro o gwmpas yn gwario fy mhres yn y stondinau, bwyta llwyth o ddanteithion, a mynd ar bob reid yn y ffair . . . a tydi hynny heb newid hyd heddiw!’ Fel cyn-gystadleuydd mae’r Eisteddfod eleni yn dwyn un atgof arbennig i Mari: ‘Yn rhyfedd iawn, pan ro’n i'n tua wyth oed bu bron i mi â chael llwyfan yn canu unawd cerdddant yn Eisteddfod Bro Glyndwr yn 1992, ar yr union faes ag eleni yn Rhuthun. Ond roedd gen i annwyd difrifol, felly ges i ddim llwyfan!’ Bydd darllediadau S4C digidol o Eisteddfod yr Urdd yn dechrau yn blygeiniol am 10.00 gyda’r rhaglen
Eisteddfod yr Urdd, Sir Ddinbych 2006 Mae datblygiadau rhyngweithiol Bore’r Urdd yng nghwmni Eleri Siôn. Bydd amrywiaeth o westeion yn galw newydd a chyffrous ar droed hefyd o heibio i gael sgwrs gydag Eleri a rhod- ran gweddarlledu o’r Urdd. Bydd dir sylw i ragbrawf y dydd. Cynhelir modd dilyn holl arlwy S4C digidol ar cystadleuaeth ddyddiol hefyd lle gall y s4c.co.uk/urdd neu urdd.org gyda mwy gwylwyr ennill tocynnau i rai o brif nag erioed yn cael ei gynnig eleni. Yn ogystal â gwylio y cystadlu o’r ddigwyddiadau’r yr haf.
prif bafiliwn yn fyw ar y we bydd modd hefyd gwylio eitemau estynedig yn ogystal â gwylio clipiau fideo o gystadlaethau fydd ar gael hyd at bythefnos wedi’r Eisteddfod. Bydd stondin S4C, sydd ar y cyd gyda BBC Cymru, hefyd yn fwrlwm o
weithgaredd gyda sioe goginio Stwffio gydag Alun ac Anthony at ddant pawb a chyfle i’r plant ieuengaf fwynhau stori yng nghwmni Lowri Williams a rhai o gymeriadau cyfres newydd ar Paned Plant Bach o’r enw Dwdlam. Ar nos Sul cyntaf yr Eisteddfod ar 28 Mai, bydd S4C yn darlledu cyngerdd arbennig o lwyfan y pafiliwn sy’n ddathliad o waith y gantores a chyfansoddwraig leol Caryl Parry Jones sydd wedi gwneud cyfraniad enfawr i’r byd adloniant yng Nghymru dros y blynyddoedd. Bydd Caryl, a fagwyd yn Ffynnongroyw rhwng Treffynnon a’r Rhyl, yn bresennol yn y gyngerdd ac mae’n edrych ymlaen at y noson. ‘Pan glywais am y gyngerdd deyrnged ro’n i’n teimlo’n wylaidd iawn ac wrth fy modd i fod yn onest. Dwi bob amser yn dweud fy mod i mor lwcus fy mod yn gwneud yr hyn be dwi’n ei wneud. Dwi’n ennill fy mywoliaeth trwy wneud yr hyn dwi’n ei garu orau yn y byd. Bydd teulu a ffrindiau yn y gyngerdd ac rwy’n siwr y byddai’n teimlo’n eitha emosiynol,’ meddai. Ymhlith y cast o sêr sy’n cymryd rhan yn y gyngerdd fydd y tenor rhyngwladol Rhys Meirion, y grwp poblogaidd, Eden, Dewi Pws ac Emyr Wyn, y canwr Dafydd Dafis, côr o ddisgyblion lleol ac aelodau o’r ysgolion perfformio Anterliwt ac Ysgol Glanaethwy. Cyngerdd yr Urdd Eisteddfod Sir Ddinbych 2006: Nos Sul, 28 Mai, 8.00pm, S4C gydag isdeitlau Saesneg ar gael.
ADOLYGIAD: Eisteddfod Ryng-golegol 2006 Gan Geraint Brython Gohebydd Taf-Od YCHYDIG WYTHNOSAU yn ôl, cynhaliwyd yr Eisteddfod Ryng-golegol yma ym Mhrifysgol Caerdydd. O hanner dydd tan ddeg yn nos, 'roedd y neuadd (a'r bar) yng Nghlwb Chwaraeon a Chymdeithasol y Mynydd Bychan yn fwrlwm i gyd, gyda myfyrwyr afieithus Caerdydd a'r colegau eraill yn cystadlu yn erbyn ei gilydd i gyrraedd y brig yn y rhyng-gol' flynyddol. Pob coleg heblaw am Fangor, hynny yw, lle ddaru bawb ond lleiafrif dewr o'r Cymry benderfynu anwybyddu prifwyl y myfyrwyr y tro hwn, sy'n biti braidd. Pan oedd y rhyng-gol' ym Mangor yn 2003, aeth tua 100 o Gaerdydd i'r coleg ar y bryn am y penwythnos! Fel y llynedd yn eisteddfod Aberystwyth, 'roedd y canlyniad terfynol yn un eithriadol o agos eleni rhwng Caerdydd ac Aber, gyda dim ond 130 marc o wahaniaeth rhwng y ddau goleg. Ac fel y llynedd eto, Aberystwyth aeth a hi o drwch blewyn, gan wneud ni yn ail (och a gwae...). Eto i gyd 'roedd hi'n eisteddfod dda yma, gyda digonedd
o godi canu, perfformio a meddwi gan yr "enfys" o gynulleidfa mewn crysau colegau gwahanol! Wrth edrych yn ôl, teg yw dweud mai gwendid Caerdydd ar y diwrnod oedd, nid y diffyg niferoedd yn cystadlu ar y llwyfan, ond yn hytrach y
diffyg safon yn yr helyw o'r cystadleuwyr hynny (er, mae'n bosib bod hyn i gyd yn mynd i newid erbyn blwyddyn nesaf os bydd y cynlluniau sydd wrthi ar y funud i sefydlu aelwyd coleg yn llwyddo: ewch i http://senghennydd.blogspot.com
Caerdydd yn ail yn yr Eisteddfod Ryng-golegol
am ragor o wybodaeth). Serch hynny, fe gafwyd rhai perlau o du Caerdydd, fel ein parti llefaru a ddaeth yn 1af. Cryfder pennaf Caerdydd heb os oedd y gwaith cartref, lle lloriwyd y colegau eraill i gyd.
Ymhlith y goreuon yr oedd Annes Wyn, myfyrwraig ôl-raddedig yn y Gymraeg, a ddaeth yn 1af yng nghystadleuaeth y Gadair am ysgrifennu tair stori fer ar y thema "Perthyn", a Ceri Morris, myfyrwraig yn y Gymraeg, a ddaeth yn 1af yn y Fedal Ddrama. Cefais gyfle ar y dydd Sadwrn i siarad ag Arwyn Groe, sef prif feirniad y gwaith cartref a dywedodd wrthyf ei fod wedi mwynhau'n arw darllen a beirniadu'r gwaith a ddaeth i law. Llongyfarchiadau i Annes a Ceri ac i bawb arall a ddaeth i'r brig. Ar ôl i'r cystadlu darfod (yn bell ar ôl yr amser a fwriadwyd!), cynhaliwyd gig yn neuadd fawr yr Undeb Myfyrwyr, gyda Frizbee, Radio Luxembourg, Daniel Lloyd a Mr Pinc, Pwsi Meri Mew a Rasputin yn chwarae, a'r undeb dan ei sang o Gymry am newid. Fel coleg, gallwn edrych ymlaen at wneud yn dda a mwynhau yn eisteddfod Bangor y flwyddyn nesaf, gan droedio parthau neuadd JMJ, clwb nos Amser a thafarn y Glôb. Dim ond gobeithio bydd mwy o fyfyrwyr Bangor (gan gynnwys Llywydd UMCB) yn ymuno yn ysbryd y rhyng-gol' yn 2007.
Problem Page
Page 20
May 29 2006
problempage@gairrhydd.com
Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE
This week: stuff and that, and cream horns... Hello girls, boys and in-betweeners! This week, I can guarantee that you’ll never look at Bovril in the same way again... But that’s all I’m saying until you’ve read Supermarket Seep Part 2... Anyway, if you think that you would be able to take on the challenge that I face every week (a bulging inbox, ridiculous problems, a very hot office with staff too hot for you to ignore...) then do drop me a line as we’re looking for new columnists. And of course, do email if you have a problem, though don’t expect an elaborate response. I am a very busy lady! Email: problempage@gairrhydd.com. Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx
Mysterious Girl Dear Amber, RECENTLY I WENT to Solus and saw a really, really fit girl there. I bumped into her at the bar (and when I say bumped, I really did my cold snakebite landed all over her - peanut smuggling ahoy!) and bought her a drink. She had flowing hair, a gorgeous face and massive boobs. She couldn’t have
been any nicer, Amber... I asked her all about herself but she was very cagey. She wouldn’t give me her name, and when I asked if she was a student she said ‘sort of’. I didn’t understand, so I kept pestering her until she finally said, “I am a student of my sex-life.” While I was pondering this strange comment, she disappeared to the toilets. I wasn’t going to let her go, however, so I followed her. While no one was looking, I peeped in through the door and saw that
Cream Horn! Dear Amber, I WAS WONDERING if there was any chance you could give me some advice about clothing. I just don’t seem to be able to get it right, and you are gloating about how satisfied you are every week! So I thought that perhaps you’d know how to make men attracted to you simply by what you wear. I am not a small girl, but I’m not that big either. I have blonde hair and blue eyes, so that’s a good start, isn’t it? I tried the goth look, but that didn’t really work with my hair or skin colouring; I mean, there’s pale, and then there was me. So I tried the natural look with clear mascara and lip gloss but I looked like an albino as I have white eyelashes. So whatever I do with make-up, it never works. My clothes are a disaster too. If I wear baggy clothes, I look fat, but if I wear tight ones I look like a ‘lady of the night’. I can’t seem to look trendy even if I buy clothes in Topshop and I can’t walk in high heels - I just look like a man in drag (I am nearly six feet tall). I mean, you always look lovely in your picture, with your flowing hair and nice eyeliner, and your little strapless top. Why can’t I look like that? Yes, I do have scabies so I have really bad skin, and yes, my first meal of the day is always a cream horn, and yes, I broke the
scales when I got on them last. But really, in this day and age, surely there will be something made that will suit me! Please help me, I Heart Greggs, Baker Street. AMBER SAYS: Dear I, Have you ever thought of, oh, I don’t know, not having a cream horn every time your mouth is even slightly empty? I really think it may help. Then you could use your left over cream horns as, well, I don’t know, maybe a dildo? OK, OK, I know I’m not even trying anymore. Love from Amber xxx
she was on a palm pilot, apparently looking through some emails. Now, I think this is rather strange who can afford a palm pilot if they’re a student, and also why would you take it out and read your emails in the bogs? It didn’t make any sense. She was so mysterious! This really got me going. I pounced on her when she came out and asked her what she’d been doing. “I had some business to attend to,” she said. I followed her around for the rest of the night, and at one
Monk e y Business! Dear Amber, SOMETIMES I FEEL I'm gonna break down and cry (so lonely). Nowhere to go, nothing to do with my time I get lonely, so lonely, living on my own. Sometimes I feel I'm always walking too fast (so lonely) and everything is coming down on me, down on me. I go crazy, oh so crazy, living on my own (living on my own). Dee do de de, dee do de de, I don't have no time for no monkey business. Dee do de de, dee do de de, I get so lonely lonely lonely lone-
Supermar k et Seep Part#2
HORN: Cream
Alex followed the strange, busty girl to the toilets, his cock like a leek in his pants, and it was leaking a bit too. She smiled as she checked that the coast was clear and ushered him in. Oddly, she had brought her basket in with her too. But Alex wasn’t really thinking about that; he was too busy locking the toilet door behind them! He groped a nork, and it was lovely, it felt like bread dough (or something like that), and her nipple was hard and as big as a brazil nut. She lifted up her skirt and Alex saw that she was not wearing any knickers. “You are so rude,” he said, as he grasped a portion of mimsy. She
point heard her on the phone to someone giving them sex advice. And something finally clicked... The lovely hair, the mystery, the advice... It was you, Amber! But by the time I’d worked it out I couldn’t see you anywhere. Please, please tell me it was you... You don’t even have to say it in the paper, you can just meet me at 8pm tomorrow at Inncognito (it looks posh). In hope, Lovestruck, Roath.
AMBER SAYS: Dear Lovestruck, ER, are you sure you didn’t just dream this rather innocent fantasy? I mean, can you imagine me in Solus - me, the moral crusader of the gair rhydd? Can you really? Well i think you must be a bit disturbed if so. Love, Amber xxx
ly, yeah! Got to be some good times ahead! Sometimes I feel nobody gives me no warning, find my head is always up in the clouds in a dream world. It's not easy living on my own, my own, my own. Dee do de de (lonely), dee do de de (lonely), I don't have no time for no monkey business. Dee do de de, dee do de de, I get so lonely lonely lonely lonely yeah Got to be some good times ahead... Dee dup de dup de dup...come on baby! Dee do de de, dee do de de, I don't have no time for no monkey business! Dee do dc de, dee do de de I get so lonely lonely lonely lonely yeah. Got to be some good times ahead! Dee dup de dup de
dup, hey... Living on my own, living on my own. Living on my own, living on my own, oh! Love from Freddie, Mercury Street.
giggled and said “I can get ruder,” as she grabbed a carrot from her basket and shoved it where it wouldn’t normally go. “Crikey!” said Alex, “I’ve only ever seen that on the internet!” And he enjoyed her one-woman show. Then she slid his rock-hard man bit out of his trousers and, before he could say anything, she covered it in Bovril from her basket and began to lick it off. It was very sticky and slimy and possibly the best blow-job Alex had ever had, if a little beefy. Just as he was about to sex wee, there was a knock at the toilet door. The girl stopped her sucking and Alex said “Yes?” in what he hoped was an annoyed tone. “It’s the security guard, open up!” The girl shrugged and Alex decided that the best thing to do was open the door and hope he
went away. “Oh,” said the guard when he saw them. “I didn’t realise...” He was young and good looking, and as he stared both the girl and Alex saw him get a big boner. “Why don’t you go and lock the main door?” said the girl. The security guard smiled and did so. Alex didn’t really know what was going on until the girl pulled out the guard’s big pork sword and began to give him a gobble too. And then they had a nice big spit roast, and whatever. © Amber Duval 2006
P.S. Inncognito sounds fine; bring a family pack of condoms.
AMBER SAYS: Dear Freddie, I don’t have any time for monkey business either, so keep your hairy little hands to yourself and stop sending me ridiculous, repetitive emails, and stop sending me repetitive emails, and stop sending me repetitive emails... Christ, I’m even annoying myself now. And if you do want to break down and cry, please don’t let me stop you. Tears on men are so appealing, yum, salty goodness... A xxx
Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com
Award-Winning Television
May 29 - June 4 2006
Page 21
tvgareth@coversblown.com
This Weeks Petes among the Bogs: May 29th - June 4th
Total Fucking Wanker Arsehole Cock Munching Losers And TV Desk have secured the ONLY interview!
HOT
My Breasts Lea: “Alright love, don’t stare. I know I’ve got big chunkified mammaries, you know I’ve got gargantuan hooters, and I’ve spent a load of money on them, so let’s end it right there. You do like them though, right? They’re wicked, ain’t they? Cool.”
Soaps Sezer: “Fucking Have it, like! Coronation Street? Dunno what the fuck they’re talking about, fucking foreign mate! The birds in it though, cor! Sarah Platt? Pregnant twice in her teens? She wants to meet me, mate, make it a third. Ha! I didn’t mind that Candice sort, but she went and left and all, yeah? Fuck, the things I’d have done to her in the back of that salon - I’d have done her in that chair, like. Hahaha! Dunno bout that Ronnie bird though, seems a bit of a nuttah! Bit of a fucking fruit and nut cake, innit! Hahaha! Probably want me to milk her tits rather than suck on them. Haaa! Fucking horrid, man. Look at the other guys on that street though man, there’d be no fucking competition from those losers man, bunch of ugly tossers, nothing like me, I’m mint as mate, I fucking love it”
T
he dust has yet to settle properly on this years Big Brother House. It seems a lot longer than seven days since we were first introduced to this year’s wonky-toothed shitmunchers, and already two of them have been given the game show equivalent of a hobnailed boot jammed up their rectums and throttled into the gutter. The remaining drones, however, look like they’re staying, so let’s get to know our new friends for the summer. Mikey: “I look a bit like universally despised unfunny Boltonian prat Vernon Kay and I love the ladies, but not feminists because they’re all ugly lesbians that don’t wash properly!” Sezer: “Wahey! I’m well up for sticking my ugly unshaven knob up some unsuspecting girls drunken vadge! Down the hole mate! Wicked” Lisa: “Alright! I’m a fookin mardy arsed bitchfaced slice of rotten fuck-crumpet. Now fook yourself!” Bonnie “Yeah like I’m one of those boring slappy-mouthed bints, y’know? Someone you can really relate to, but better after I’ve necked six gallons of bacardi and displayed my juicy corn beef in your eye, like” Glyn: “Hello I’m really not a very interesting person but I’m a part time lifeguard and
Fudge Tunnel 44
have a tiny wanger that I can hide behind a child-sized surfboard so you’re gonna love me. Thanks” Nikki: “Waaaaaargggh! I’m just SO. AMAZING. and it’s like, SO.
AMAZING. to be on Big Brother and I’m anorexic so I’m really deep and I’m gonna make so many friends, but especially the ones that make me gag on their hunky dicks and make me sick up my lunch!” George: “Hello, Hi I’m George. I’m rich and boring so I can have any girl I want and they don’t love me for my money or anything, it’s because, well.. pfff I’m a birrova catch aren’t I?” Imogen: “Hi lovely! I’m Welsh, and I’m just lovely and sweet. Not for-
getting dull, and a big fat ho. Lovely!” Lea: “I’ve got humungous breasts that I’ve spent my life savings on but despite this I still look like a less convincing woman than Nadia from two years ago, and I’ve got a “generous” builders ass too, you wanna make something of it?” Richard: “Oooh hello! Pleased to EAT you. Har har har! I’m Richard, but you can call me dick. You can call my dick Richard too, if you want! I do! I just love dick! I’m a sexual terrorist, so It doesn’t matter than I have only line of conversation. Do you like dick as well?” Pete: “Hi! Hi! Wankers! Cool! Love it, love it! I’m actually like.. wooo! The only good housemate yeahhhhh! And I have a brain, and can think.. yeah! And everything” Grace: “Hi I’m Grace and you’re meeting me last because you’ll nevver fuckin’ remember me otherwise, like. I’m from London mate, wicked. Errr” Because megalomaniac Shahbaz, and BO-ridden boring woman Dawn have been removed, they were sadly unable to partake in this interview. But on the plus side, we’ve been given exclusive rights to the rest of the Big Brother housemates’ opinions on what’s hot and what’s not in the wild wacky world of television this week. Who blows? You decide... Happy viewing xxx
DVDS TO RENT/BUY Richard: “Well Hi. I’m Richard. Now, if I say the words Wentworth Miller to you, then you’d probably cum quicker than Santa in a sauna! Har Har! Prison Break - oooooh I just love it! But I’m not just talking about Wentworth Miller, but oh god would I like to break him, like the bad boy he is. Har Har! Down boy! No, but it’s such. a. well. made. show, don’t you just think? It’s gorgeous, it’s like clever, sexy, cool. It’s fast paced and I love things fast paced, don’t you? It’s clever, so I can tell people what’s happening because I just KNOW these things. And did I mention Wentworth Miller? Oh he’s lovely as well. Oh, of course don’t let me forget! I said DON’T let me forget! Oh God I’m so forgetful! There’s a new Abba DVD, but I don’t like like Abba because I’m gay, I don’t like stereo-
typing and all that. People are so. like. Stereo-phoney like that. Har har! But yeah, I love Abba, love their songs. I love to get down on the floor, dance round my handbag, get funky. I’m such a lightweight when I’m drunk though - oooh don’t come near me when I’m like that, I’m such a terrorist!”
NOT
F o o k i n g Everyone Right I’m not being fooking funny right, but all you fooking fooks, you’re so fooking insultive, don’t talk to me. Talk to my fooking hand. I’ll fooking have you, bitching behind my fooking back like I’m some kind of fooking fook. Now calm the fook down!
Film Nikki: “Aaaargh! I just LOVE. FREDDY. GOT. FINGERED!!! (BBC1 Friday 12.50am) Yeeaaah! It’s SO. AMAZING, cos like, I like getting fingered too, in my cunt and in my fucking throat! And like, Tom Greene, is SO. FUNNY! I mean, I can’t like sit down and watch it, you know what I mean, it’s too long, but yeah!!!”
Sport George: “Ha! Ha! Yeah! Me and the boys often hot foot it to the living room to watch our boys play the beautiful game. Ha! No girls allowed! We’ll be watching England V Hungary (BBC1 Tuesday 8pm) with one eye on the World Cup, and the other on the rather sizeable bank balance we stack up on the table and rest our wealthy cocks on. Ha!”
Radio Mikey: “Hello. Pfff gee, bit of a blast this, innit. Erm.. pfff whoah. What do I what? What do I listen to on the radia. Waaahlll, I don’t really listen to it, like. I guess I like that Vernon Kay (Radio 1, Weekends, 10am - 1pm) guy. I can pfff, well, you know? What? Yeah, I like to pretend I’m him you know. I’m a model. Plus he’s a lad, like. Me and him would get on well. I think. That’s all I’ve got to say really. Whoa, that was hard” Pete: “Wah! Wicked! Yeah! What. I listen to the radio yeah! Wow! Aaaack! Love Radio 4, Book at Bedtime, Moral Maze, Nature! Aaaaah yeah! Seriously though, love The Archers, life in the countryside, that’s wicked, mad yeah! Wow!”
Monday
Page 22
May 24 - June 4 2006
jesuslovesyou@intheface.com
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.
Animal Park
Boobah
BBC1 9am
ITV1 6am
Pet Alien
ITV1 7.50am
Roobarb and Custard
Five 7:20am
Call 02920 229977.
Call 02920 229977.
6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory 6:35am Little Einsteins 7:00am Dora the Explorer 7:25am House of Mouse Bungalow of Gerbil, Apartment of Guinea Pig, Trailer of Rat, Converted loft of Hamster. Ohh and im spent. 7:50am Pet Alien 8:10am Lilo and Stitch 8:35am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Power Rangers Space Delta Patrol 9:15am Tootuff 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am Emmerdale 10:55am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:40am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Crocodile Dundee 3:30pm Coronation Street 4:00pm Emmerdale 4:30pm Emmerdale 5:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Crocodile Dundee 9:00pm Unlikely Lovers 10:00pm Coronation Street 10:30pm Coronation Street 11:00pm The Xtra Factor: Battle of the Stars 11:40pm The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best 12:40pm Lip Service 1:05am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am
6:00am Big Brother Live 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut Is it wrong i fancy Vernon Kay lookilike Mikey... he’s not my type at all and he is blatantly incredibly arrogant, but no one else can wear a green tank top like him. 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years spiderman would kick his freaking alien goody two shoes arse. 10:00pm Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels stylised cockney fucking violence in sepia tones and wiv exaggerated lahhhhndahh accents. You dirty slahhhhhhhg. 12:00pm Big Brother Live when I was in the gatekeeper last night some HILARIOUS person I vaguely know held up some cocktail jugs to my boobs and went “hey Ellen, nice jugs” and then all these people (who I didn’t know) laughed at me. I then went “Yer well NICE FACE” And hit him over the head with them repeatedly. The cocktail jugs. Not my boobs.
6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories I was once a viral youngbear flouncing about in hay fields and tearing the heads off peasants. And now im due for a hip replacement. 8:50am Mio Mao 8:55am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am The Man Behind the Da Vinci Code: Revealed Dan Brown the writer of the DaVinci code went to the Harry Potter school of writing, is a twat and needs to die in a painful incident involving a paper shredder falling on this testicles.1:35pm Angels Demons: The True Story 2:40pm The Da Vinci Code Myth: Revealed 3:40pm five news update 3:45pm Aladdin and the King of Thieves 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Cricket on Five 8:00pm Fifth Gear 9:00pm Prison Break 10:00pm Prison Break 11:00pm Private Parts - The Trouble With My Penis WILLIES! COCKS! NAUGHTY BITS! ONE EYED TROUSER SNAKES! But there so icky looking. Like Dylan Moran said, why cant there be the face of a kitten down there instead? 12:00pm Russ Meyer: King of Sexploitation 1:00am NASCAR NEXTEL Cup 1:50am USPGA Golf 2:40am NHL Ice Hockey
PRIME
6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People are coming in your FACE THEY’RE COMING TO YOUR PLACE, THEY’RE BRINGING LOTS OF MACE, THEY’RE FROM OUTERRRR SPACE. 6:55am B4 7:25am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:25am Big Brother 9:25am Miss Match 10:15am Miss Match 11:10am Without a Trace 12:00am The Bridge on the River Kwai Some people during the war make a bridge and people shoot at them, and we all learn a valuable lesson and are better people for it. 3:00pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal So theres a rate my cat, so of course therehas to be a rate my cock. Lots of blokes posing noctulently with bent erections... Not that I looked at it, and if I did it was for research purposes only. 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:05pm Ghostbusters II 9:00pm Big Brother Pete from Big Brother has a Hamster called Magic 10:00pm ER 11:05pm Big Brother's Big Brain 11:35pm Desperate Housewives 12:35pm The Nokia Isle of Wight Festival Featuring the Prodigy (gurning) Foo Fighters (dreadful) Coldplay (moses) and the delays (who?) 1:35am Big Brother Live 4:55am Countdown 5:40am Inuk 5:55am The Hoobs My recent obsession is with Body Language, every time I’m with someone I like I keep looking at where their feet are pointing. Coz apparently that’s meant to indicate something. I now realise it means that my shoes may be magnetic and their feet may be made of metal. BAD KITTY!
PRIME-
All Day Every Day.
7:00pm Chaplin Superclown: The Tramp 7:30pm Chaplin Superclown: Easy Street 8:00pm The Da Vinci Code: the Greatest Story Ever Sold DIE ALREADY JUST DIE 9:00pm Mark Lawson Talks to Bill Oddie 10:00pm Return of the Goodies 11:30pm Who Do You Think You Are? Sometimes i just dont know. *sigh* but if i write my name likes this xellenx then im emo!12:25pm Mark Lawson Talks to Bill Oddie 1:25am The Da Vinci Code: the Greatest Story Ever Sold 2:25am Did Jesus Die? No, my child, I am right here with you (cue special effects, lots of smoke, maybe a few hundred childrens choirs making OHHH noises and a levitating sheep) and I bring you a message from my father. Kill all clowns, eat more hooves. And try not to interfere with children. I HAVE SPOKEN, OBEY MY COMMANDS. (more OHHH noises) Hugs and Kisses, Jesus F Christ the third earl of Duckington. 3:25am Living with Modernism I hate living with Modernism, he never washes up. Freaking Whore.
6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory I have given up on Fun Factory, its like a drug addled friend who you caught sniffing some heroin even though they said they were only taking pritt stick on special occasions….. Disappointing. 6:35am Little Einsteins 7:00am Dora the Explorer 7:25am House of Mouse 7:50am Pet Alien 8:10am Lilo and Stitch 8:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Power Rangers SPD 9:15am Tootuff 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am Doctor Dolittle 1:05pm ITV News; Weather 1:20pm ITV Wales News and Weather 1:30pm Mum's on Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Zulu 5:30pm Loose @ 5.30 6:00pm The Price Is Right 6:25pm Wales Tonight I6:40pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Tommy Cooper Must See TV 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm X Factor: Battle of the Stars 11:00pm ITV News 11:15pm World Cup Heaven And Hell 12:20pm Champions League Weekly 12:50pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:10am I Want That House 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News Live Music Society won best society at the society awards, we are the society with the most society spirit. And of course the best new society went to the Harry Potter society, a society award win well deserved, they are a really useful pointful society. They bring so much to society with their society, in fact the two girls who formed this society must get a lot of sex.
PRIMETIME
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters
7:00pm The Man in the Iron Mask 9:00pm Teen Terrors to Teen Angels 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Little Britain 11:00pm How I Met Your Mother I wanted to buy some cream for my Apple crumble, and so did she, and we both reached for it at the same time, and I said I needed it more, and then she said she did and then I pulled out a automatic shot gun and shot her repeatedly in the head. How we laughed when she came out of her coma six years later. 11:25pm Dog Borstal 12:20pm Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves the flying duck... You run at people with a machete and instead of cutting off there heads you quack. Ask for breadcrumbs. 12:50pm Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 1:20am Gypsy Wars 2:20am Dog Borstal 3:15am Teen Terrors to Teen Angels New Film Editor Ewen was rather drunk last night celebrating his 20th b day and threw up outside the welsh club, didn’t even make it in, had one of his eyebrows shaved off and a fish stuck down his trousers. Public shaming for you sir.
7:00am CBeebies:Springwatch 7:45am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 8:00am CBBC:Arthur 8:15am Watch My Chops 8:30am SMart 8:55am The Cramp Twins 9:10am What's New Scooby-Doo? 9:30am Level Up 10:30am The Story of Tracy Beaker 11:00am SpaceCamp 12:40am Meteor 2:20pm Hands on Nature people fondle some trees. 2:30pm Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 3:00pm Return to Tuscany I don’t know why we left 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Doris Day: Virgin Territory it doesn’t count if it’s a Tuesday and you love the person, and if you pray for your eternal soul afterwards. Yer? Im still a virgin then. 8:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie wait for it, wait for it, waiiiiit. OH ITS SPRING. 9:00pm Dead Ringers 9:30pm Feel the Force 10:00pm The Full Ponty Fightstar! Goldie Looking Chain! Funeral for A Friend! Three lovely reasons why you should not only avoid watching this but also why raw sewage should be dumped on Ponty. 10:40pm The Wild Bunch Fecking mentalists 1:00am BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel:Talk Portuguese 2:30am Brazil Inside Out 1-5 5:00am Brazil 2000 Some exciting news on my facebook group, we have two new members and there is a discussion that i should get a prize for services to humanity. An idea my friend Pete laughed at! I am worthy of such an award as i do many valuable things for mankind. Like trying to form the worlds biggest kinder egg collection. And Happy Birthday to Courtney for Sunday!!!
PRIMETIME
P R I M E T I M E
6:00am Breakfast TV Ellens says Hello, and that you look very pretty today. And wonders why she had chocolate cake for breakfast today.9:00am Animal Park 10:00am Escape to the Country 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:30am Car Booty 12:15am Bargain Hunt 1:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 1:25pm Neighbours Harold reveals the depth of his feelings for Sky. 1:50pm Diagnosis Murder 2:35pm Diagnosis Murder 3:20pm The Sound of Music Love the bit where the kids are all wearing clothes made out of curtains. Or when the children do that stupid song for the guests at the Ball “I’d like to stay and try my first champagne? Yes?” “NO! GO BACK TO FUCKING BED” Then the Nazis come along and kill everyone… Except Julie Andrews?? That for me was where the film lost all realism. 6:05pm Neighbours 6:30pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 7:00pm Richard Hammond and the Holy Grail that short arse from top gear renacts Monty Pythons Holy Grail, will a memorable turn from Jeremy Clarkson as the Knights of Ni. All of them. 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm DIY SOS 9:00pm New Tricks 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:20pm Triangle 11:40pm Target 1:40am Sign Zone:Planet Earth 2:40am Sign Zone:The Perfect Shark would be fluffy and not want to eat me 3:40am Sign Zone:Save Lullingstone Castle 4:10am Sign Zone:Downsize Me Giants have there feet chopped off below the ankles. 4:40am Joins BBC News 24
7:00am Planed Plant Bach:Sali Mali 7:05am Planed Plant Bach:Mr Men 7:15am Planed Plant Bach:Tecwyn y Tractor 7:30am Planed Plant Bach:Troeon Tristan 7:45am Planed Plant Bach:Dwdlam 8:00am Planed Plant:Bernard 8:05am Planed Plant:Medabots 8:30am Planed Plant:Stamina 8:50am Planed Plant:Waaa! 9:00am Big Brother's Little Brother 10:00am Big Brother 11:00am Miss Match 11:45am Miss Match 12:30am Time Team Special 1:30pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 7:50pm Dros Gymru 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 9:30pm Ar Dy Feic 10:00pm Big Brother 11:05pm Y Clwb Rygbi 11:35pm Big Brother's Big Brain 12:05pm Invasion 1:05am Comedy Lab 1:35am Big Brother Live 2:45am Mr Holland's Opus No Kitty i told you already.
Tuesday
May 29 - June 4 2006
Page 23
pontinspete@doublevodkaandslushpuppy.silly
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters Ideal
Hands On Nature
BBC3 11.10pm
BBC2 1.00pm
Another Woman’s Husband five 3.35pm
Razorlight Live
C4 12.35pm
All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife 9:00pm Little Britain 9:30pm Grown Ups 10:00pm BBC Three Outtakes Show 10:10pm EastEnders 10:40pm MPs' Outtakes 11:10pm Ideal 11:40pm Man Stroke Woman 12:10pm The Message 12:40pm Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 1:10am Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 1:40am Grown Ups 2:10am Ideal 2:40am Man Stroke Woman 3:10am The Message 3:40am The Real Hustle Rub a Dub Dub, three men in a tub. That’s the story of TV Desk now TV Neil is on board making us the brothers grim. Never has an editorship been so misanthropic. The main good thing about this is that now mine and TV John’s singalongs will have three part harmonies. And now four people will laugh at my jokes rather than three. Which is good for everyone, except the people I’m making jokes at. Swings and roundabouts. Here’s some music that I’m listening to these days: Otterley, Lipsick!, Esiotrot -
7:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops 9:00pm Every Prime Minister Needs A Willie: Or how to be a Deputy 10:00pm Living with Modernism 10:30pm Storyville: The Pipeline Next Door 11:40pm Never Mind the Full Stops 12:10pm Living with Modernism A touching documentary following the lives and troubles of people who are plagued by modernism. One young girl explains how she copes with her ridiculous fringe and tears are sure to flow as teenager James tells the story of how when realising he had no musical talent at all he joined a band...on synths. 12:40pm Every Prime Minister Needs A Willie: Or how to be a Deputy 1:40am Storyville: The Pipeline Next Door 2:50am Living with Modernism 3:20am Never Mind the Full Stops Schmesiotrot, Camera Obscura - Let’s Get Out Of This Country, and relistening to all my old Electrelane albums after having an epiphany revealing that they might be the best band in the world. Yuhu.
6:00am Fun Song Factory A dummed down version of Fun Factory? Alas, impossible. 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo I need some help from a little above, And you were there, I'm still in love I won't forget you Pocoyo. 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Celebrity Daredevils 5:55pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 8:00pm Queen Mania 9:00pm Unlikely Lovers 10:00pm Sure Fans United 10:30pm The Xtra Factor: Battle of the Stars 11:10pm The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best 12:00pm The Ricki Lake Show
6:00am Big Brother Live 2:25pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 2:55pm Big Brother 3:55pm Big Brother's Big Brain 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends Pft, all this friends talk, it’s almost as if they’re boasting. But it’s okay, because I have shit loads of friends these days. 9:00pm The OC TV John’s rather excitable because today he has ‘acquired’ a box set of the first series of teen drama smash hit The OC. Soon enough he’ll be down with the kids. Actually thinking about it, with each new addition TV Desk seems more and more like a teen drama. Probably more like press gang though. Or something generally shit and British. But with far more homoeroticism. Always. 10:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 10:30pm Big Brother Live 11:00pm Lost 12:00pm Big Brother Live I’ve not watched any of this yet. I’m being force fed it now in the office. I’ll get back to you.
I
M
E
T
I
M
E
6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:50am Mio Mao 8:55am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Aurora 3:30pm five news update 3:35pm Another Woman's Husband 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Tim Marlow on... Highlights of the New Tate Modern My highlight of the Tate Modern was meeting The Strokes there. Maybe that gives me cool points, but brace yourself, this was in 2001!! That makes me about 10 times cooler than you first anticipated, I’m sure. Although the real highlight was probably sitting next to a girl I fancied the whole of the way there and back. Thinking about it, our legs probably touched at some point. 8:00pm Property Developing Abroad 9:00pm CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10:00pm CSI: Miami 11:00pm Prison Break 12:00pm Prison Break 1:00am NBA Basketball 3:40am ITU World Cup Triathlon Oh those competiive International Terrorist Unicorns. 4:30am Race and Rally UK 4:55am Boxing: Fight of the Week
R
P
R
I
M
E
T
I
M
E
6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier 9:25am Miss Match 10:15am Rich Girls 10:40am Rich Girls 11:10am Without a Trace 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm Please Sir! 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Hay of the Day 8:00pm Location, Location, Location 8:30pm Turn Back Your Body Clock But if you did your toilet pattern might get messed up. And then you’d be pissing when you should be walking somewhere and all in all it’s just more hassle than it’s worth. So just carry on being a rumpled faced, menopausal slag bag...at least you wont be shitting out of place. 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Lost 11:00pm Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere 11:30pm Sugar Rush Lesbos! 12:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 12:35pm Razorlight Live 1:05am 4 Play: Nerina Pallot 1:15am 4Play: Gotan Project 1:30am Big Brother Live 3:50am Trigger Happy USA 4:10am Punk'd 4:35am Wild Things 5:20am 3 Minute Wonder: Out of the Box Famous blind Stevie Wonder attempts to emulate Houdini with a famous box-escape trick. 5:25am 3 Minute Wonder: Out of the Box 5:30am On the Way to Hay 5:55am The Hoobs The Hoobs, The Hoobs are on fire.
P
I
M
E
T
I
M
E
6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's on Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm Spongebob Squarepants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Airline 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm Loose @ 5.30 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm The Ferret 8:00pm House of Horrors: Return of the Rogues That’s French. It means “Return of the Reds”. And it’s about...ummm...after their FA Cup Final victory, the Liverpool team return home to see that each and every one of their homes has been turned into a ghost house. Gutted. 9:00pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars So, basically it’s the same as that Just The Two Of Us bollocks that the BBC did, only with a more expensive set. And it’s got Chris Moyles in it. And Paul Daniels. And maybe a special guest assassination, if I have my way. 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm World Cup Heaven And Hell Heaven: USA, Hell: Tonga. 12:00pm IRB Sevens Series: Paris 12:30pm Motorsport UK 1:10am ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am Mum's on Strike 4:35am I Want That House Revisited 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News
R
PRIMETIME
7:00am Springwatch 7:45am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 8:00am CBBC:Arthur 8:15am Watch My Chops 8:30am SMart 8:55am The Cramp Twins 9:10am What's New Scooby Doo? 9:30am Level Up 10:30am The Story of Tracy Beaker 11:00am The Country Bears 12:25am The Witness 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Hands on Nature 1:10pm Quicksand 2:30pm Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Top Gear 8:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00pm Dan Cruickshank's Marvels of the Modern Age 10:00pm Little Angels 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm If the Oil Runs Out Then does the massaging stop? No, because there’s always salad cream. One day when Neil and I were massaging eachother (it wasn’t gay, it’s just that we both like it), the baby lotion ran out, so we just popped into the kitchen and cracked out the condiments. Here are our top 10 condiments to use rather than massage oil: 10. Mild Mustard Piccalli 9. Branston Pickle Chunky 8. Tartar Sauce 7.French Mustard 6. Vinegar 5. Salad Cream 4. Tomato Ketchup 3. Tabasco Sauce 2. Soy Sauce 1. Toothpaste. Neil says “Just make sure you don’t get it in your pisshole:. Neil and i can’t agree on the order, so we’re gona test it when we get home. Can’t wait!! 12:20pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Geography World 2000 4:00am Geography - World 2000
P
P
R
I
M
E
T
I
M
E
6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am Escape to the Country 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:30am Car Booty 12:15am Bargain Hunt 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Diagnosis Murder 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision 3:40pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:05pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm The Story of Tracy Beaker 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm I Want It Now TV John: a big seagull to come shit on me...again. TV Ellen: a flatter stomach. TV Grace: some new hair straighteners. TV Gareth: TV Neil, TV Neil: TV Gareth. Yeh, that’s right, TV Neil is the newest addition to TV Desk. Keeping up the general criteria for selection as a TV Editor as being how high the level of incest is if you were to join us. Let’s put it this way, Neil and I SHOWER TOGETHER!! 7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm Match of the Day Live 10:10pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:45pm Week In, Week Out 11:15pm Imagine... The Artist Formerly Known as Cat Stevens 12:05pm Medium 12:50pm Last Embrace 2:45am Private Life of an Easter Masterpiece 3:35amHolidays in... Euroland 4:05amDownsize Me 4:35am Joins BBC News 24
7:00am Planed Plant Bach:Sali Mali 7:05amBobinogi 7:15am Planed Plant Bach:Ribidires 7:30am Planed Plant Bach:Troeon Tristan 7:45am Dwdlam 8:00am Planed Plant:Anifail am Wythnos 8:20am Martin Mellten 8:50am Planed Plant:Waaa! 9:00am Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 9:30am Big Brother 10:30am Miss Match 11:20am Rich Girls 11:45am Supporting Acts 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Honey I Ruined the House 1:30pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 9:30pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10:30pm Big Brother 11:30pm ER 12:30pm Turn Back Your Body Clock 1:00am Turn Back Your Body Clock 1:30am Big Brother Live 2:45am Frasier 3:10am Without a Trace 3:55am Without a Trace
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
Wednesday
Page 24
May 29 - June 4 2006
savingmymoney@forthechildren.com
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.
Car Booty
Springwatch
BBC 1 11.30am
BBC 2 7am
GMTV Today
ITV1 6.58am
The Line of Beauty
BBC2 9pm
Call 02920 229977.
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife 9:00pm The Man in the Iron Mask 11:05pm Grown Ups 11:35pm Teen Terrors to Teen Angels 12:30pm Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 1:00am Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 1:30am Tenerife's Eastenders 2:25am Teen Terrors to Teen Angels 3:25am Grown Ups So hello. TV Grace here reporting from the misty heights of the top floor of the union. As per usual, there’s not a great deal to report on the TV desk front apart from the fact that we have a new addition to the family, TV Neil. Hello and welcome. Oh, and my mum is paying for me to have a personal trainer this summer. In anticipation of this impending buffness; I’ve been eating as many fatdrenched, carb-ridden, sugarladen treats as I can fit into my chubby little squirrel cheeks. Spoilt? Moi? Nah, just greedy.
7:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie My parents once met Bill Oddie when they were climbing over a stile and nearly landed on him on the other side. This was around the same time that they met David Blunkett near his Peak District love-nest. See, all the cool people hang out in Derbyshire, even me. 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Take One Museum Ok, I’ll take Techniquest then. Cheers. 9:00pm Silent Britain 10:30pm Spiral 11:20pm Mark Lawson Talks to Bill Oddie 12:20pm Take One Museum 12:50pm Silent Britain SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssss sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Shh. Since I can’t shut up for five seconds, let alone five minutes, I have NO room to talk. I do wish people didn’t talk during films though. 2:20am Mark Lawson Talks to Bill Oddie Birds, booze and football are the topics of discussion this evening.
6:00am Hello Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am therePocoyo 6:50am This Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am isThe Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline a 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm topThe Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 6:15pm secretPop the Question 6:30pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 8:00pm New Homes from Hell 9:00pm Unlikely message Lovers 10:00pm Coronation Street 10:30pm The Xtra Factor: Battle of the Stars from 11:10pm The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's TV Quest for the Best 12:10pm The Ricki Lake Show 1:00am ITV Play: Grace: Quizmania overandout4:00am
6:00am Big Brother Live 2:55pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 9:30pm Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 10:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 10:35pm Big Brother Live 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00pm Big Brother Live PETE TO WIN! PETE TO WIN! PETE TO WIN! I was mildly disturbed by the fact that he seemed to have some kind of huge love-truncheon, judging by the reaction of the others when he whipped it out in the pool. Put it away Pete, put it away. You can win on the strength of your own character, not the size of your leg.
R
I
M
E
T
I
M
E
6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories Rupert, Huggy, John Logie, Paddington, Yogi, Polar, Big, Brown, Grizzly, Care, Teddy, Baloo, Danni, Bear-ruit. That’ll do. 8:50am Mio Mao 8:55am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:30pm The Gentleman Bandit 3:25pm The Counterfeit Killer 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Dangerman Adventures 8:00pm How England Won the World Cup: Revealed 9:00pm Mike Bassett: England Manager I have my own theories as to what happened to Ricky Tomlinson’s nose, but let’s see what others have been speculating shall we? TV Willy: He got forceped out of the womb by the nose? TV John: He leaned too far over the kitchen counter while grating a carrot? Ridler: He had nosepox as a child? TV Me: He inhaled too much sand and it impacted in the cavities of his nose, gradually forcing its way out through the pores in his skin. 10:45pm Little Britain: A Showbiz Marriage 11:45pm Wildboyz 12:15pm PartyPoker.com Football and Poker Legends World Cup 1:45am Baseball: MLB
P
6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother's Little Brother 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier 9:25am Miss Match 10:15am Rich Girls 10:45am Rich Girls NOT starring TV Grace. 11:10am Without a Trace 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm Grudge Match 1:10pm Green for Danger 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Hay of the Day 8:00pm 10 Years Younger Bikini Special I love this programme, partly because it makes me feel smug in the knowledge that if I looked ten years younger then I’d be similar to an eleven yearold. There would be perks to this though. Namely being able to push to the front of the queue for the swings. Yeah, that’s about it. I’d rather be 21. 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Desperate Housewives 11:05pm Sex in the 80s Since the majority of you were born in the 80’s, I reckon quite a lot of fornication went on during this decade. Well, your parents were banging away anyway. Sorry if I put you off your dinner. 12:10pm Sugar Rush 12:40pm Scummy Man 1:10am Big Brother's Big Mouth 1:40am Big Brother Live 4:15am Trans World Sport 5:10am Countdown This one’s for TV Katie: 35, 34, 33, 32, 31, 30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 15:55am The Hoobs
P R I M E T I M E
6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today TV desk’s pet hates, continued: TV Gareth: ‘People who hate pets.” Hmm, witty. My own pet hate would have to be the fact that every competition these days seems to require texting some number and typing in a code. NO, NO, NO! Gone are the days when you could look under the ringpull of your can and know that you’d won a car instantly. I could’ve won loads of things and have absolutely no idea seeing as I haven’t had credit on my phone for about three years. 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Airline 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm Loose @ 5.30 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm The Bill 9:00pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars Ursula Minor and Ursula Major fight it out for the ultimate constellation of the nation. Tune into this station yo, it’s the ONLY destination. 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Helicops Oh dear, I’ve opened the sorry floodgates of my rhyming compulsion, there should be an expulsion, bring out the emulsion and stop this revulsion. 11:30pm World Cup Heaven And Hell 4:05am The Jeremy Kyle Show
PRIMETIME
7:00am Springwatch 7:45am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 8:00am CBBC:Arthur 8:15am Watch My Chops 8:30am SMart 8:55am The Cramp Twins 9:10am What's New ScoobyDoo? 9:30am Level Up 10:30am The Story of Tracy Beaker 11:00am The Brainiacs.com 12:35am The Munsters 1:00pm What the Tudors Did for Us 1:30pm Working Lunch 2:00pm Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm The Happiness Formula Don’t drink hot Vimto followed by ice-cold water and rounded off with steaming pizza. Your tummy won’t like it. If you’d excuse me, I’m going to hurl over the edge of the balcony. Ten points are mine for keeps if it lands on anyone’s head. 7:30pm Holidays in... Euroland 8:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00pm The Line of Beauty 10:00pm Room 101 TV Desk’s number one pet hates: TV John: “There is NOTHING more annoying than people who ride their bikes on the pavement.” I’d have to agree with him there. TV Ellen: “People who tell me that smoking is bad for me while I’m smoking.” Why not use my witty retort?: “Well smoking puts hairs on your chest.” Great. TV Neil: “Raw Chicken, and people who don’t wash their hands properly after handling said meat product.” Thank heavens I’m a veggie. 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Have I Got News for You 11:50pm Art from the Arctic 12:50pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone:
P R I M E T I M E
P R I M E T I M E
6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am Escape to the Country 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:30am Car Booty 12:15am Bargain Hunt 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Diagnosis Murder 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision 3:40pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:05pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm The Story of Tracy Beaker 5:00pm Blue Peter Since it staged an 80’s themed Christmas extravaganza set in New York; Blue Peter can do no wrong. I could slap that bint Zoe Salmon round the chops with a wet sea bass, but I’ll let her off for being on BP 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Iolo's Welsh Safari 7:30pm X-Ray Last time I had an X-Ray was at the dentist’s during the Easter holiday. It was an exciting experience, but I’m not looking forward to having all four of my wisdom teeth yanked out. I need that wisdom! It’s all I have left! 8:00pm Ocean Odyssey 9:00pm A Life of Grime 9:30pm Traffic Cops 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40pm Belonging 11:10pm ONE Life 11:55pm Beyond the Poseidon Adventure 1:45am Sign Zone:The Curious House Guest 2:15am Sign Zone:The Curious House Guest 2:45am Sign Zone:Super Vets 3:15am Sign Zone:Downsize Me 3:45am
7:00am Planed Plant Bach:Sali Mali 7:05am Planed Plant Bach:Byd Bach Bedwyr 7:20am Planed Plant Bach:Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 7:30am Planed Plant Bach:Troeon Tristan 7:45am Planed Plant Bach:Dwdlam 8:00am Planed Plant:Code Lyoko 8:25am Planed Plant:Clwb Winx 8:50am Planed Plant:Waaa! 9:00am Big Brother's Little Brother 9:30am Big Brother 10:30am Miss Match 11:20am Rich Girls 11:45am 3 Minute Wonder: On the Way to Hay 11:50am 3 Minute Wonder: On the Way to Hay 11:55am 3 Minute Wonder: On the Way to Hay 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Honey I Ruined the House 1:30pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 9:30pm Theatr Genedlaethol Cymru 10:00pm Big Brother 11:00pm Lost 12:00pm Desperate
Thursday
May 29 - June 4 2006
Page 25
hmmmpizza@onlyperk.com
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters It Came From Outer Space C5 1:40pm
Grumpy Old Men
BBC1 3:15pm
Supernatural
ITV2 11:10pm
Big Brother Live
E4 6am
All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids and it’s kinda turning me on 8:00pm Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife 9:00pm Trauma Uncut 9:30pm Trauma Uncut 10:00pm EastEnders dont worry abaht it bruv coz you’re familyyyyyy. My I am good at my cockney slag impressions. Drink to Eastenders. Take a gulp everytime they say ‘family’. And you’ll end up having your stomach pumped. 10:30pm Best World Cup Goals Ever! 12:00pm Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves 12:30pm Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves I’ll kick your arse. FISTY CUFFS.C’MON... YER I’M STARTING ON THE WHOLE GAIRR RHYDD AUDIENCE. 1:00am Trauma Uncut 1:30am Trauma Uncut 1:55am Tenerife's Eastenders 2:55am Honey We're Killing the Kids like Honey I shrunk the kids except with less light-hearted comedy and more strangulation, maiming and stump fucking. I must stop mentioning that. I’m sure TV Neil will out-gross all of us, due to his amazing skill at giving himself a mangina in the middle of T & A’s. Leg end.
7:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Versailles Stories 9:00pm Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 10:00pm The League of Gentlemen 10:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops or the semi colons either. Wait I can’t find the semi colon button. The little paper clip on Word normally finds it for me. It’s so cold and lonely without him...*shivers* 11:00pm Versailles Stories 11:30pm Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 12:30pm The Great Dictator: Chaplin and Hitler They both have moustaches? 1:25am The Mark Steel Lecture 1:55am Versailles Stories 2:25am Never Mind the Full Stops ;;;;;;;; There it is... I think? 2:55am Paul Merton's Silent Clowns Some website recommendations: www.stuffonmycat.com. I have told a few people about this and they either say “My you are cool” or “Ellen there is something very very wrong with you.” AND www.homestarrunner.com look at Stongbad Emails and Teen girl squad. NAUGHTY KITTY.
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 6:15pm The Ride 6:30pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 8:00pm I've Won the Lottery 9:00pm Unlikely Lovers 10:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 10:30pm The Xtra Factor: Battle of the Stars 11:10pm Supernatural 12:10pm The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best 1:10am ITV Play: Quizmania. I have been watching a lot of Garth Marenghis dark place recently, due to the fact the show is absolute genius with
6:00am Big Brother Live I fecking hate Shabaz, and am so glad he left, I mean he clearly was insane. And when that kinda sheltered Welsh guy asked him not to touch him so much he was like “oh do you think being gay is infectious, do you think I will pass it on to you?” No you idiot. He probably thinks being a complete twat is infectious. 2:55pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm ER 10:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 10:30pm My Name Is Earl 11:00pm Big Brother lines like “My son is dead. He was born half boy, half grasshopper. He never had a chance. We loved playing together, although he could out-jump me. That one day would prove to be his undoing. But I would need a scotch before I told you about that one. All I’m saying is it involved a hop and the blades of a helicopter.” Genius.
6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:50am Mio Mao 8:55am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm It Came from Outer Space II 3:40pm Cosmic Shock 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away if I had a boyfriend this is where I would leave a private joke for him to get. Instead I will leave one for Alex my heterosexual life partner. 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Hidden Treasure Houses 8:00pm Bride and Grooming 9:00pm House 10:00pm Grey's Anatomy 11:00pm Suburban Shootout 11:30pm Swinging 12:00pm Laureus Sports Awards 12:40pm UEFA Under-21's Championship 2:20am UEFA Under-21's Championship 4:00am UEFA Under-21's Championship 5:35am The X Games porn stars compete to see who can wank someone off quickest. Alright should I have put something ironic and clever there instead of going for the obvious joke? Porn stars compete to see who can write a theoretically accurate description of Marx’s theory of class struggle. Actually that’s not even a very clever joke, because blatently loads of philosophy and sociology students are reading this and going “well, that’s not a very hard task.”
PRIMETIME
6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People want to sit on your face 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother's Little Brother 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier I can never look at him the same after seeing him as the beast in X men. All blue and hairy. And you may have noticed my giddy excitement about this film last week… all for nothing, it was kinda disappointing...the person who wrote the script clearly wrote the last Charllie’s Angels film. I went to a press screening, pretended I wrote for Anglers monthly. The guy who started clapping when the film started nearly ruined it for us all. 9:25am Miss Match 10:15am Rich Girls 10:40am Rich Girls 11:10am Without a Trace 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm The Gift Horse 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Hay of the Day 8:00pm Honey I Ruined the House 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Police Academy 11:50pm Sugar Rush 12:25pm Sugar Rush 12:55pm World Superbikes 1:55am Big Brother's Big Mouth 2:25am Big Brother Live 4:55am Countdown 5:40am Inuk 5:55am The Hoobs New TV Desk person arrives: Shock, Horror, TV Neil is now the newbie, no longer will I be the young naive one. No, now it is Neil. That means out of the five people doing TV Desk, 3 of us are in the same band together. We might have to take turns with the advertising.
PRIMETIME
6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show I nearly cried when I was watching this the other day. But then I cried during Godzilla when all her babies were killed.10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:40pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Airline 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm Loose @ 5.30 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Bryn Terfyl - In His Own Words "Having been born Welsh does not necessarily mean being the son of a good home, but it does mean having singing in the fibers of your heart ..." Says Barritone singer Bryn. Welsh people - shit parents, great singers. 8:00pm The Bill 9:00pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Waterfront 11:30pm Free Ride 12:00pm World Cup Heaven And Hell 4:10am Britain's Best Back Gardens 4:35am Moving Day 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News More Bad Lyrics From the banal Kooks all I see of you Is when you're not so busy Oh you're not so busy, yeah Yeah yeah Do do do DO DO DO!!! c’mon Lazy retard school of writing.
P R I M E T I M E
7:00am Springwatch 7:45am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 8:00am CBBC:Arthur 8:15am Watch My Chops 8:30am SMart 8:55am The Cramp Twins 9:10am What's New Scooby Doo? My therapist says I have issues with the fact I’m a dog. 9:30am Level Up 10:30am The Story of Tracy Beaker 11:00am Russkies Racist term for Russian People. 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Foreign Correspondent 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Discovering Welsh Houses 7:30pm Fawlty Towers 8:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00pm Best World Cup Goals Ever! 10:00pm Mastermind 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm The Smoking Room you know what, I love smoking, its bad for you but man it feels sooo good. 11:50pm Dragon's Den 12:20pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Geography: Australia 2000 4:00am Geography Japan 2000/Brazil 2000 Bad Lyrics this week: Red Hot Chilli Peppers “ All around the world” Fox hole love Pie in your face Living in and out Of a big fat suitcase Bonafide ride Step aside my Johnson. Your Johnson? No thank you Anthony I will not be needing to step aside your Johnson, I will be needing to staple it to your leg until you learn to write BETTER SONGS. I’m flyering for the barfly tonight.
PRIMETIME
PRIMETIME
6:00am Breakfast TV Ellen hopes that you dont pour sour milk on your cereal today. 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00am Escape to the Country 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:30am Car Booty 12:15am Bargain Hunt 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Diagnosis Murder 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision they’re too old, too hairy and saggy. 3:40pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:05pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm The Story of Tracy Beaker 5:00pm Totally Doctor Who 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Holiday Hit Squad 7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm New Street Law 9:00pm Are We Changing Planet Earth? 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Dragon's Eye 11:05pm Question Time 12:05pm Dolores Claiborne A housewife gets really bored and kills her husband, and then gets away with it, so decides to throw her maid down the stairs as well.. bit of a chirpy family movie then. But I’d do like the idea of that. “ Mah your pissing me off too, down the stairs you go, and you, I ASKED FOR SEMI SKIMMED.” 2:15am Sign Zone:The Lost World of FrieseGreene He made films, moved to Bristol and had a pet rabbit called Boris he use to make dress up in a gimp suit. 3:15am Sign Zone:Grumpy Old Men U WERE AN ACCIDENT. I DONT WANNA FLYER
7:00am Planed Plant Bach:Sali Mali 7:05am Planed Plant Bach:Bryn Seren 7:15am Planed Plant Bach:Ari Awyren 7:30am Planed Plant Bach 7:45am Planed Plant Bach 8:00am Planed Plant 8:25am Planed Plant 8:50am Planed Plant 9:00am Big Brother's Little Brother 9:30am Big Brother 10:30am Miss Match 11:20am Rich Girls 11:45am 3 Minute Wonder: On the Way to Hay 11:50am 3 Minute Wonder: Hay of the Day The only thing I can think is that this is a show looking at Welsh hay, and that is so pathetic that it makes me want to hack my arm off. Alright not mine, yours.. 11:55am 3 Minute Wonder 12:00am News 12:30am I Ruined the House 1:30pm Eisteddfod 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Eisteddfod 9:30pm Bandit 10:00pm Big Brother 11:05pm Grand Designs 12:05pm The A Team 1:20am Pet Shop
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
Friday
Page 26
May 29 - June 4 2006
tvneil@newpornographer.com
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.
Freddy Got Fingered
The Perfect Housewife
BBC1 12.50pm
BBC3 2.55am
Sex and British Pop
BBC4 9.00pm
Every PM Needs a Willie BBC4 1.50am
Call 02920 229977.
All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 6:15pm Celebrity Daredevils 6:30pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 8:00pm Poseidon European Premiere Special 8:30pm Planet's Funniest Animals 9:00pm Unlikely Lovers 10:00pm Coronation Street 10:30pm The Xtra Factor: Battle of the Stars 11:10pm Lip Service 11:40pm The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best 12:40pm The Ricki Lake Show 1:20am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am ITV Play: Playalong
6:00am Big Brother Live 2:55pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Supernanny US 10:00pm Friends 10:30pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 11:00pm Big Brother Live. TV Gareth is writing about the homoerotica that surrounds us in our daily lives. I want to confirm that everything he writes is true. At ATP we had a wee in a cubicle together. This is justified by the fact that all the urinals were taken and so were the rest of the toilets. It’s pretty much the same as weeing next to someone in a urinal. It might even be less strange as it’s not weeing in front of a stranger. One time, TV Gareth pissed in the sink in our bathroom at home. That same night, I was gonna try and wee through his legs as he sat on a toilet. I realised that it was a stupid idea and didn’t go through with it.
6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too All of these programs seem to be designed for spastic children. These titles will cause the downfall of future generations. They will end up making titles for shit kid’s TV programs shown on channel 5. 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:50am Mio Mao 8:55am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:30pm Madame X 3:35pm The Battle of Mary Kay 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men Probably about 30 stone or about 14 feet and 4 inches. TV Gareth did the math(s). 7:00pm five news The same as any other news. My housemate Alex prefers Channel 4 news. It makes him feel more intelligent. 7:15pm Cricket on five 8:00pm Buildings That Shaped Britain Woolworth’s, W. H. Smith’s, Mark’s and Spencer’s and Lidl. Yes, these are companies, but if they werent in buildings we’d always be shopping in a market. 9:00pm Law and Order 10:00pm Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 11:00pm When Heather Met the McCartneys 12:00pm John Barnes' Football Night 1:00am The Great Big British Quiz 5:35am Wildlife Down Under with Nick Baker
P R I M E T I M E
I R
6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People Treacle< Syrup 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother's Little Brother 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier 9:25am Miss Match 10:15am Rich Girls Poor boys 10:45am Rich Girls Slags 11:10am Without a Trace 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 12:55am Attack! “Get back ya bastard or I’ll break your legs!” 2:55pm The Coach Trip This is as good as it sounds. Reality TV show about a coach trip. Like Big Brother but maybe better. 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show What’s new? 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks Being from near Chester I can confirm that this is an accurate portrayal of northern life. People do have stupid hair, and babies do die. Bonnie “Prince” Billy is not played as backing music as the baby is carried into the ambulance in real life. 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:35pm Unreported World So who cares? It can’t be that interesting can it? 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 9:30pm 8 Out of 10 Cats 10:00pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 10:30pm My Name Is Earl 11:05pm Tricks from the Bible Revealed: The Magic of Jesus. A documentary revealing how Jesus fed the 5000. He’ll be wearing a mask to conceal his true identity. 12:10pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 12:40pm Big Brother Live 3:10am Oleanna 4:40am Countdown 5:25am Vee-TV 5:50am To Be Announced
P R I M E T I M E
7:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Chaplin Superclown: The Rink 9:00pm Girls and Boys: Sex and British Pop Sounds like a plan to me. 10:00pm The Bonzo Dog DooDah Band 40th Anniversary Celebration 11:00pm Vivian Stanshall: The Canyons of his Mind 12:00pm Kenneth Williams - Fantabulosa! 1:20am Kenneth Williams in his Own Words Bender 1:50am Every Prime Minister Needs A Willie: Or how to be a Deputy 2:50am Vivian Stanshall: The Canyons of his Mind This sounds like shite. Watch “Freddy Got Fingered”. It’s on BBC1 at 12.50pm. Tom Green acts like a cunt and jacks off not only a horse but an elephant as well. There is some great comedy gore involving a child. As you can tell, I’m a brilliant film critic with my choice of words. Quote: “Have you got a problem with me legs? No, you’ve got a problem with your legs. Either that or you’re just lazy.” Remeber this and use at any opportunity. Remember to watch the film.
6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike Yeah, sure. They’re just being lazy. If my mum ever went on strike, I’d be fooked. Not like that though. 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo This is narrated by Stephen Fry. Does anyone else find this strange? I think it translates to “Little Me”. 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:30pm Feodor This should be Theodore, no? The problem is that it’s trying to be street. 3:35pm Art Attack 3:55pm How2 4:20pm Skillz 4:30pm Airline 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm Loose @ 5.30 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street The best Coronation Street I have ever seen was the episode that Mike Baldwin died with no dignity. 8:00pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald Choose from: Teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, violence, alcohol abuse or sodomy. 8:30pm Coronation Street Family Album As long as it features Mike Baldwin, I’m happy. 9:00pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars Insert witty and hilarious remark here. 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm World Cup Heaven And Hell 14 days, 20 hours and 22 minutes to go. 12:00pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:10am Too Many Cooks Fuck everything up 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News Be the first to hear the news and impress your friends when you see them in the pub later.
P R I M E T I M E
E M I T E
7:00pm BBC Three Outtakes Show 7:30pm Best World Cup Goals Ever! 14 days, 19 hours and 31 minutes to go. 9:00pm Doctor Who 9:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Grown Ups 11:00pm The Real Hustle 11:30pm Best World Cup Goals Ever! 14 days, 19 hours and 30 minutes to go. 1:00am When Comedy Changed Forever The day that I became TV Neil. 1:55am Grown Ups Up until I became TV Neil. 2:25am The Real Hustle 2:55am Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife If you want to marry a twat. So yeah, I’m the newby on TV desk. As you may have already guessed, my name is TV Neil. TV has to be the most incestuous group. We’re all friends and 4 of us slept together at the weekend. No. Not like that, you sick fucks. We shared a chalet at a festival. I took a photo of some people having sex. From now on, I will be known as a perv. This is not the case. There were girls taking photos too, so it’s not wrong. How can it be? Exactly, it’s not.
M P
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters
7:00am Springwatch 7:45am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 8:00am CBBC:Arthur This cartoon is too moral. 8:15am Watch My Chops 8:30am Smart 8:55am The Cramp Twins 9:10am What's New Scooby Doo? 9:30am Level Up 10:30am The Story of Tracy Beaker 11:00am The Ugly Dachshund 12:30am Working Lunch 1:30pm Racing from Epsom 4:30pm The People's Museum 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:00pm Eggheads Is this going to compete with the Simpsons? How should I know? Just because I’m a TV editor it doesn’t mean I know anything about TV. 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm The Real Cost of Going Green 7:30pm Racing: Derby Day Preview 8:00pm How to Be a Gardener Revisited How to be middle-aged and relatively sane. Queue mid-life crisis and alcoholism/fast car. Or both, but that normally ends in tears. 8:30pm Gardeners' World 9:00pm Terry Jones's Barbarians10:00pm Grumpy Old Women 10:30pm Newsnight 11:00pm Newsnight Review 11:35pm Later with Jools Holland 12:35pm Top of the Pops: Streets Special 1:20am Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University:The Celebrated Cyfarthfa Band 2:30am Modernist Primitivism: Gauguin and Pont-Aven 3:00am Orsanmichele 3:50am Ever Wondered? 4:00am La Bonne Formule 4:30am What's Right for Children? 5:00am The Sonnet 5:30am Ever Wondered about Food?
P R I M E T I M E
6:00am Breakfast 9:15am To Buy or Not to Buy I haven’t seen this, is it a lame version of “Deal or No Deal”? 10:00am Escape to the Country 11:00am Homes under the Hammer = broken homes. 11:30am Car Booty 12:15am Bargain Hunt 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Diagnosis Murder A second rate version of “Murder, she wrote”. I <3 Jessica Fletcher. 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision I heard one of them died/ And then I cried. TV Neil: Poet, lyricist, genius. 3:40pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:05pm The Fairly Odd Parents 4:30pm Best of Friends 4:55pm Really Wild Show: Springwatch 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm A Question of Sport 7:30pm Airport 8:00pm EastEnders Death, misery, death, misery. This is the most accurate description of life in the south I’ve ever written/read. 8:30pm Home Again Thank fuck 9:00pm Have I Got News for You Have you? 9:30pm They Think It's All Over: World Cup Special 14 days, 20 hours and 37 minutes to go. 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35pm Kevin & Perry Go Large 12:50pm Freddy Got Fingered Probably the best film ever. Fact. 2:20am Joins BBC News 24
7:00am Sali Mali 7:05am Bel 7:10am Penblwydd Pwy 7:15am Pentre Bach 7:30am Troeon Tristan 7:45am Dwdlam 8:00am Beyblade 8:25am Teledu Eddie 8:50am Waaa! 9:00am Big Brother's Little Brother 9:30am Big Brother 10:30am Miss Match 11:20am Rich Girls 11:45am 3 Minute Wonder: Hay of the Day 11:50am Grudge Match 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Honey I Ruined the House 1:30pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:25pm The Simpsons 6:55pm Newyddion 7:05pm Pobol y Cwm 7:35pm Y Clwb Rygbi: Cwpan Heineken 9:30pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 10:30pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 11:35pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 12:05pm 8 Out of 10 Cats 12:35pm Will and Grace 1:00am Big Brother Live 3:10am Frasier 3:35am Without a Trace I don’t like this air, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop breathing it, who doesnt’ think they’re at the centre of...
Saturday
May 29 - June 4 2006
Page 27
brother@incestcanbegood.usedandabused.org
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters Lip Service
The Cutting Edge
E4 12.25am
ITV1 12.10am
Dave The Barbarian
BBC1 8.20pm
Beverly Hills Ninja
five 5.45pm
All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
7:00pm Strictly Dance Fever on Three 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:15pm Grown Ups 8:45pm To Be Announced 9:15pm Film To Be Announced 11:05pm The Message This is a particularly good song by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. 11:35pm The Real Hustle This is a particularly good song by Barry Von Smythe 12:35pm Paparazzi This is a particularly good song by Tony the Tarpaulin Seller 1:35am World Cup Goals Galore This is a particularly good song by Graham Godfrey and the Birthing Pools 3:05am The Real Hustle This is boring. You know, despite having paragraphs and paragraphs free to write whatever I want, it’s still so much easier to write about the television programmes that are actually on. I’ve quit alcohol. This will no doubt be a different matter next week, but as for now, I’m tee total, and loving it. I had a coke in the graduate bar earlier. It tasted like shit, but at least it tasted like non alcoholic shit that won’t make me cut and paste Alarm lyrics in TV Desk.
7:00pm To Be Announced 9:00pm Silent Britain 10:30pm To Be Announced 12:00pm The Mark Steel Lecture 12:30pm To Be Announced 2:00am Silent Britain 3:30am To Be Announced This is actually getting ridiculous. Next week I’m anticipating sitting down and there being absolutely nothing announced, and it’ll be like that time when we had to make up the entire listings. What do you mean “which time?” I acquired a copy of season 1 of The OC today, so I’m going to sit in my bed tomorrow and watch it. And then watch it again slowing it down when Seth comes on. The office has become even more incestuous with the new addition to TV Desk, TV Neil. He is here to replace TV John, who’ll be leaving the team at the end of the semester. I’ll refrain from gushing at this point, because it’s actually TV John writing here, and since I’m already referring to myself in the third person, I don’t want to sound even more ridiculous by being self congratulatory.
6:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse 7:20am MacDonald's Farm 7:40am Bag People 8:10am Woodpecker's Tale 8:25am Mags and Mo 8:40am Babar 9:00am Time to Dance 9:10am Teleshopping 9:25am Emmerdale Omnibus 12:10am Coronation Street Omnibus 2:30pm Holiday Showdown 3:30pm Celebrity Fit Club USA 4:30pm Make Me Rich 5:00pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 6:00pm Airline USA 6:30pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 8:00pm The Xtra Factor: Battle of the Stars 8:45pm Poseidon European Premiere Special 9:20pm Unlikely Lovers TV Grace and David Jason. Imagine if they got married. Grace Jason. 10:20pm Planet's Funniest Animals 10:50pm The Xtra Factor: Battle of the Stars 11:35pm The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best Not to be confused with TV Desk’s other favourite rebel billionaire Sezer from Big Brother, who is more on a quest for the breast. Ho ho ho. 12:35pm Lip Service 1:05am ITV Play: Quizmania 3:30am Emmerdale
6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am The Treacle People 7:00am 4Endurance 7:30am To Be Announced 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am T4:Big Brother's Little Brother 9:25am T4:Pure T4 9:55am T4:Friends 10:30am T4:Popworld 11:20am T4:Friends 11:50am T4:Big Brother: Live Eviction 12:55am T4:Big Brother: Live Eviction 1:25pm T4:Chantelle's Dream Dates 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:10pm To Be Announced 4:45pm Wife Swap 5:40pm Deal or No Deal 6:30pm Channel 4 News 7:00pm To Be Announced 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm One Hour Photo 11:50pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 12:50pm 4 Music:The Album Chart Show 1:20am 4 Music:Rockfeedback 1:50am 4 Music:4Play: Gomez I used to be a big fan of the album Bring It On. For anyone who hasn’t heard it, it’s a concept album about the Kirsten Dunst film of the same name, featuring Liverpudlian swampfunk takes on traditional cheerleader chants. 2:05am 4 Music:Michael Jackson's Moments Michael Jackson likes to molest underage cheese moments. Unconfirmed rumour. 2:10am Big Brother Live 4:45am Unreported World This would include the unchartered territory of what TV John does in the quiet of his own home. Since nobody here lives with, or even knows where my house is, the mysteries of just what I do with my hoover and antique nail collection in my shed will forever remain unreported. Apart from on here. 5:10am Countdown 5:55am Grabbit the Rabbit
6:00am Big Brother Live 10:00am Big Brother's Little Brother 10:30am To Be Announced 11:30am To Be Announced 12:00am Big Brother Live 1:30pm Totally Frank 2:00pm The Album Chart Show 2:30pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm The Pepsi Max World Challenge Which tooth-rotted teenage skateboarder can drink the most gas canisters pumped with cola beverage in five minutes, in a different continent every week. 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm To Be Announced 10:00pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut I’d rather not listen to tramp-arsed bint Lisa any more than I have to, thanks. Incidentally, did anyone see rising folk superstar and genuine non-celebrity Seth Lakeman as a guest panellist on The Wright Stuff. He was pretty good, but surely that’s the biggest barrelscraping celebrity guest, even for Matthew Wright. 11:00pm Friday Night Music Show 12:00pm Big Brother Live
6:00am Sunrise 6:55am Oswald 7:10am Oswald 7:30am The Save-Ums! 7:45am The SaveUms! 8:05am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:20am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:35am The Book of Pooh 9:05am Gerald McBoing Boing 9:35am Don't Blame the Koalas 10:10am RAD - The Groms Tour America 10:40am No Girls Allowed 11:40am Fifth Gear 12:45am To Be Announced 1:20pm Family Flight 3:00pm Can't Hardly Wait 4:50pm Charmed 5:45pm Beverly Hills Ninja Not to be confused with either Beverly Hills Cop, or Beverly Callard. She’s not a ninja. Also, don’t confuse this with Beverly Hills by Weezer because that song’s shit 7:15pm Cricket on five five’s allocated time period for showing this cricket is limited to 45 minute in the first week of June, it seems. 8:00pm five news and sport 8:20pm NCIS 9:10pm CSI:NY I’m still awaiting the next installment in the CSI franchise. It would be so cool if it was my home town. Actually, that wouldn’t be too far from your average episode of Cadfael. That’s how medieval Winchester is. 10:10pm Law and Order: Criminal Intent 11:10pm Caddyshack II I haven’t seen the other ten Caddyshack films, so I don’t think I’ll really understand the character development. 12:55pm Quiz Call 0800 50-50-50. Who’s first? 5:35am Wildlife SOS This week: a swan who’s stuck on a pylon uses his last bit of credit to call his friend Jack, who he knows has a ladder in his greenhouse.
P R I M E T I M E
6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory 6:35am Little Einsteins 7:00am Dora the Explorer 7:25am House of Mouse 7:55am Dave the Barbarian 8:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Kim Possible 9:25am Holly and Stephen's Saturday Showdown 11:30am Destination Germany 12:00am Poseidon European Premiere Special Speaking of Kurt Russel B-movies, this should be hitting the cinema screens next months. It should be complete rubbish, as a remake of The Poseidon Adventure could only be. 12:30am ITV News; Weather 12:35am Local News and Weather 12:40am Red Bull Track Attack 1:05pm ITV Wales News and Weather 1:15pm Red Bull Track Attack 1:40pm GP2 Monaco 2:10pm The Cutting Edge 4:00pm Pickles - The Dog Who Won the World Cup Rubbish in bed, apparently. 5:15pm ITV Wales News and Weather 5:30pm Local News and Weather 5:45pm ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 6:05pm Tomorrow Never Dies 8:10pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9:10pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 10:00pm It'll Be Alright On The Night 10:40pm ITV News 10:55pm The Fast and the Furious One of the worst films ever made, now on it’s third sequel, this time set in Tokyo. It’s still about fast cars and big homosexual men though, so don’t go anywhere near it. 12:50pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:10am People's Court 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News
PRIMETIME
PRIMETIME
6:00am CBeebies:Gordon the Garden Gnome 6:10am Come Outside 6:25am Bob the Builder 6:35am Our Planet 6:45am Postman Pat 7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:15am Arthur 7:40am Dennis the Menace 8:00am Watch My Chops 8:15am Trollz 8:35am What's New Scooby-Doo? 9:00am Mighty Truck of Stuff 11:45am Sportsround 12:00am See Hear 12:45am Talking Movies 1:30pm Derby Day Grandstand 4:00pm Film To Be Announced 5:50pm Great British Menu 6:20pm Flog It! 7:20pm To Be Announced 8:20pm The Culture Show 9:10pm The Summer of... Shitting in a big carton of orange juice and then pumping it in the face of schoolchildren on their way home from holiday club. That’s what 2006 is all about, according to Blue Peter. 10:40pm Golf: Wales Open 11:10pm Film To Be Announced 1:10am The Culture Show 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest:Science Shack 2:30am Truth Will Out 2:45am Background Brief - Time Travel for Beginners 3:00am Uncertain Principles 3:30am Evaluating Preschool Education It’s shit. Consider it evaluated. 4:00am Hitting Targets Is easier when you’ve hidden their comfort blankets and glued them into their prams. 4:30am Controlling Carnival Crowds? Spray them with anthrax-scented panda pops, and then dig a trench circling the relevant area so anybody running away falls in and breaks their shins. 5:20am Ever Wondered? 5:30am Rough Science Go away.
P R I M E T I M E
P
R
I
M
E
T
I
M
E
6:00am Breakfast 10:00am Saturday Kitchen 11:30am Great British Menu 12:00am BBC News; Weather 12:10am World Cup Focus 1:30pm Match of the Day Live/Racing from Epsom 4:20pm Final Score 5:10pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:30pm My Family 6:00pm Strictly Dance Fever 7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm The National Lottery Jet Set 8:20pm Casualty 9:10pm Strictly Dance Fever 9:40pm To Be Announced Wow, we’re so far ahead of the game, the BBC haven’t even announced which pointless, drivelsome light entertainment the shovel between the Dance Fever results and the news? What’s your favourite light entertainment, TV Desk? TV John: Wheel of Fortune TV Grace: Eggheads TV Gareth: National Lottery Jet Set TV Neil Chucklevision. 10:10pm BBC News; Weather 10:30pm To Be Announced 12:10pm Derby Day Highlights 12:30pm Film To Be Announced Wow, we’re so far ahead of the game here, the BBC haven’t even announced which Kurt Russel B-movie they’re going to show. What would be the perfect Saturday night movie to snuggle up with your partner to? Irreversible, Schindler’s List With Golf, Baise-Moi, Audition, Hostel, Happy Gilmore? Any other offers? Actually, you shouldn’t watch Irreversible with me, I might get a boner. 2:10am Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Better than Sunday lunch with Gerry Adams. Actually, it’s probably not. 3:15am Joins BBC News 24
6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am 4Endurance 7:30am To Be Announced 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am Shipwrecked 2006: The Final Beach Party 10:10am Big Brother's Little Brother 10:40am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 11:40am The OC 12:30am Big Brother: Live Eviction 1:30pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:10pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 6:00pm Newyddion a Chwaraeon 6:15pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 9:30pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10:30pm Big Brother 11:30pm Police Academy Wa-ha-hey! This is one of the only two Police Academy films I’ve ever seen (the other being ‘Citizens on Patrol’) which I think was more or less exactly the same film. I watched it down Daniel Ilsley’s house when I was 13 and we drank Mountain Dew and then we went out and broke some window frames at Sparsholt College. 1:20am Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 2:15am Big Brother Live 3:45am KOTV
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
Sunday
Page 28
May 29 - June 4 2006
please@releaseme.com
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.
Breakfast
Popworld
BBC1 6am
E4 12.10am
Last of the Summer Wine BBC1 6.20pm
How I met your Mother
BBC2 7.35pm
Call 02920 229977.
20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.
...buy this buy that and all that crap a death wish a void I'm caged a beached fish I'm a tube-head mental case with no direction in this techno-fix rat race...7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:00pm To Be Announced 9:00pm Wedding Stories: Tantrums and Tiaras 10:00pm Grown Ups 10:30pm Best World Cup Goals Ever! 12:00pm Wedding Stories: Tantrums and Tiaras 1:00am To Be Announced 1:20am To Be Announced 2:20am To Be Announced 2:50am Teen Terrors to Teen Angels TV John’s idea to end the problem of teen delinquency in the UK: As soon as children are born, they are sent to prison until the age of sixteen. By the time they leave they’ll be too scared of prison to commit any crimes. Super! Problem solved then.
P
with satellite and cable hypnotized by a faceless ones fable I'm locked in and unable to pull free from the mind numbing life sucking T.V. I feel your pain bruvva. 7:00pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 8:00pm Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 9:00pm Spiral 9:50pm The Crime of Father Amaro 11:50pm Tales from Europe: Greece 12:50pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 1:50am Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 2:50am Tales from Europe: Greece Did you know that you’re not supposed to flush the paper down the toilet in Greece? Well that’s what it was like last time i visited. I got locked in a toilet for about four hours and my, it ponged after a while. I cried my little eyes out, then discovered that I hadn’t even been turning the lock the right way.
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am The another Sunday very Programme 9:00am Teleshopping 9:25am Poseidon European secret Premiere Special 9:55am Who Wants to message: Be a Millionaire? 10:55am Airline USA 11:25am Airline USA 11:55am Wait Drivers from Hell 12:55am Nanny 911 1:45pm Movies Now outside 1:55pm Emmerdale Omnibus 4:40pm Coronation the Street castle Omnibus 7:00pm X Factor: Battle today Of The Stars 8:30pm Planet's Funniest Animals 9:00pm at Supernatural 10:00pm Lip Service 10:30pm The Xtra Factor: three Battle of the Stars 11:15pm pm Coronation Street 11:45pm The Rebel Billionaire: I’llBranson's Quest be for the Best dressed 12:45pm in Movies pink Now and 1:00am ITV Play: listening Quizmania 4:00am to ITV Play: jazz Playalong music from a ghetto resting casually on one shoulder. It may be hard to spot me.
PRIME-
6:05am The Hoobs 6:30am Trans World Sport 7:30am World Superbikes 8:30am Vee-TV 9:00am T4:One Tree Hill Peyton has raw feelings about how Haley treated Nathan. Meanwhile Lucas has a difficult time keeping up with basketball practice while on his new heart medication. Barry and Leonard make sweet love in the back of his mom’s Chevy. Dan and Karen clash over the future of Tree Hill. 10:00am T4:Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:30am T4:Big Brother 1:30pm T4:Big Brother's Little Brother 2:35pm Totally Frank 3:05pm The OC 4:10pm Friends 4:40pm Robin and Marian 6:40pm Lost 7:40pm Channel 4 News 8:00pm To Be Announced 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm To Be Announced 11:45pm The Album Chart Show 12:15pm 4 Music:Vodafone TBA 1:10am 4 Music:4Play 1:25am 4 Music:4Play 1:40am KOTV 2:05am Big Brother Live 5:00am Salvage Squad 5:55am The Hoobs A TV Prayer: The TV is my shepherd, I shall want. It makes me lie down on the sofa. It leads me away from the Scriptures. It destroys my soul. It leads me in the path of sex and violence, for the sponsor's sake. Yea, though I walk in the shadow of my Christian responsibilities, there will be no interruption, For the TV is with me. It's cable and remote, they control me. It prepares a commercial before me in the presence of worldliness; It anoints my head with Humanism...
6:00am Big Brother Live 11:05am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 12:10am Popworld That stupid bint Alexa Chung (new presenter of Popworld and former contemporary of TV John) stole my idea of having an anchor tattooed on my upper arm. She will pay. 1:00pm Chantelle: Living the Dream If ‘The Dream’ involves fannying around attempting to find dates for a selection of hapless degenerates and ultimately failing, while simultaneiously fannying around with someone who looks like, well, a fanny (Preston), then Chantelle is living it large. Obviously. 1:30pm Pure T4 2:00pm Big Brother 3:00pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 4:00pm Big Brother's Little Brother 5:00pm Friends 6:00pm The OC 7:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm ER 9:00pm Lost 10:00pm Big Brother's Little Brother
6:00am Franklin 6:25am Sailor Sid 6:30am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:55am Oswald 7:10am Oswald 7:30am The Save-Ums! 7:45am The SaveUms! 8:00am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:15am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:30am The Book of Pooh 9:00am Gerald McBoing Boing 9:30am Snobs 10:00am Make It Big 10:30am Hospital 11:00am Match Academy 11:30am Round the Twist “Have you ever, ever felt like this?” No actually. I have just sat in the sunshine smoking a cigarette (I don’t condone this terrible, yet cool habit) whilst listening the The Eagles. No, I don’t think I’ve ever felt THIS cool. 12:05am A Different Life 12:35am Divine Designs 1:00pm five news update 1:10pm The Man without a Country 2:50pm Juggernaut 4:55pm The Poseidon Adventure The original, and most probably better. No Kurt Russell though, I’m afraid. 7:05pm five news and sport 7:15pm Cricket on five 8:00pm To Be Announced 9:00pm The Perfect Storm Almost as boring as Apollo 13, and believe you me, I don’t make that kind of statement lightly. 11:30pm World's Wildest Police Videos 12:25pm Major League Baseball Live 4:05am Motorsport Mundial 4:30am UEFA Under-21s Championship ...My coveting runneth over. Surely laziness and ignorance shall Follow me all days of my life: And I shall dwell in the house Watching TV forever. Anon... Thankyou and goodnight. May your dreams be less disturbing and you tea be warm.
PRIMETIME
I
M
E
T
I
M
E
6:00am The Sunday Programme 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am Recess 7:40am Super Robot Monkey Team... 8:05am Power Rangers SPD 8:30am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Winx Club 9:25am Skillz 9:30am Spongebob Squarepants 9:40am Harry Hill's Shark Infested Custard I prefer sliced banana with my custard. 10:15am To Be Announced 10:35am Beethoven's 2nd 12:10am ITV News; Weather 12:15am ITV Wales News and Weather 12:20am Volvo Ocean Yacht Race 1:20pm To Be Announced 3:00pm British Superbikes Championship 4:30pm British Touring Cars Championship 6:00pm Grass Roots 6:30pm ITV Wales News and Weather 6:45pm ITV News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Heartbeat 9:00pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars The three dots in the groin were the same three stars in the groin of Praja-Pati, the Indian version, and as part of the second star in the sword or Orion. Of these three stars, one is called the Trapezeum. There is much said about the three stones of creation in MesoAmerican lore, but they have not been identified as yet. So now you know. 10:30pm ITV News 10:45pm The South Bank Show 11:45pm It's My Life: Truth and the Media Every week I misread a programme title in a comedic fashion. I though this programme was called “It’s my Life: Thrush and the Media.”12:45pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:10am Fat Chance 4:35am Boot Sale
R
R
I
M
E
T
I
M
E
6:00am CBeebies:Gordon the Garden Gnome 6:10am Come Outside 6:25am Bob the Builder 6:35am Our Planet 6:50am Postman Pat 7:00am CBBC:Batfink 7:20am Krypto the Superdog 7:30am Smile 10:00am The Big Dig 11:00am Film To Be Announced 12:30am Sunday Grandstand 6:00pm Coast 7:00pm Top of the Pops 7:35pm How I Met Your Mother I was walking past Abigayles/Twice as Nice on my way to work and some oranged-skinned woman in a velour tracksuit unzipped to the bejewelled navel was shouting for punters to “Come inside (excuse the pun) for half price blow jobs”. I was curious so went inside to check out this unbelievable offer. Not for myself, of course, seeing as I have not been blessed with the gift of a phallus. I curse the skies every day for this cruel trick of nature. Anyway, I digress. The lady in the velour number followed me in and demanded that I explain myself. I didn’t know what to say so I scarpered pretty darn quickly. I turned around to see the woman chasing me down the street screaming. I do believe that lovely lady was your mother. 8:00pm Top Gear 9:00pm World Cup Stories 10:00pm The Office 10:30pm Golf: Wales Open 11:00pm Funland 12:00pm Film To Be Announced 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills in the Community:Raising Funds 3:00am Media Relations 4:00am Enterprising Ideas 5:00am Volunteering I don’t get paid for this y’know. Any donations will be welcomed. Ta xx
P
P
R
I
M
E
T
I
M
E
6:00am Breakfast 9:00am Sunday AM 10:00am Pentecost: Many Voices, One Spirit 11:00am Bargain Hunt 11:30am Countryfile 12:00am No Variations 1:00pm Keeping Up Appearances 1:30pm Cash in the Attic 2:30pm EastEnders 4:25pm To Be Announced 4:50pm Holiday 10 Best 5:30pm Points of View 5:45pm Songs of Praise 6:20pm Last of the Summer Wine Glug, glug 6:50pm Antiques Roadshow 7:35pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00pm To Be Announced 9:00pm To Be Announced I’ve been here for a ridiculous amount of time, seven hours to be precise. In this time I’ve managed to dick around doing FUCK ALL, so I’m resorting to desperate measures. Yes, it’s POEM TIME again. This is a poem about television by someone called Dare: “I’m addicted to TV” I can't get away I flip through the channels every night and day overdose on movies sitcoms and soaps I feel my life is tied up in ropes The TV is a nemesis I believe it so I can't think for myself have no get up and go, I'm wasted on commercials and ads conned by the latest fads... 10:00pm BBC News; Weather 10:15pm Panorama 10:55pm Film To Be Announced 12:55pm The Sky at Night 1:20am Sign Zone:The Line of Beauty 2:20am Sign Zone:A Life of Grime 2:50am Sign Zone:A Seaside Parish
6:05am The Hoobs 6:30am Trans World Sport 7:30am World Superbikes 8:30am VeeTV 9:00am Hollyoaks Omnibus 11:30am One Tree Hill 12:30am Yr Wythnos 1:00pm Big Brother 2:00pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:00pm Time Team Special: The King of Bling Fast forward 500 years: A disc containing R Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet is discovered in a dingy cave in Cornwall, now known as ‘Corn’. Time Team attempt to construct a contraption able to play the fabled musical odyssey. 4:00pm Grand Designs Revisited 5:00pm Location, Location, Location 5:30pm Newyddion 5:35pm Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7:30pm To Be Announced 8:00pm Newyddion 8:15pm Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 9:00pm Tipyn O Stad 10:00pm Big Brother 11:05pm One Hour Photo This film was marketed as the most chilling film EVER. It’s not. Robin Williams looks too much like my grandad in this film to be scary. 12:50pm Wife Swap 1:45am To Be Announced 2:35am Big Brother Live
Five Minute Fun
May 29 2006
Page 29
www.jointheglobalpastryuprising.com
2
4 1 2
8
5 6
4 7
9 9
4
9
8
2
4
5
3
2
1
1
3
8
8
1
9 5
6 1
2
3
4
5
7
6
Yeah, good one Glenn
Purest nugget of green...
Most people prefer the small white variety
Say hello to nobody’s friend
Beauty........
......and The Beast
8
9
10 11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19 20
21
22
23
24
25
ACROSS 1 French coastal town 4 Meagre 7 Manly 9 Water 10 Large continent 11 Discharge from the army 13 Yasser.., former PLO chairman 14 Magician 15 Soften 17 Sir Noel.., dramatist
19 Prickle 20 Dab of colour 22 Departmental note 23 Proposes for office 24 Thinly scattered 25 Vigour, vim DOWN 1 Film theatre 2 Slightly open 3 Knowledge kept from others 4 Pursue 5 Arm bone
Helping the needy with Frey & Bentos
1
8 6
HALL OF Text:07791 165 837 SHAME
6 Gecko, eg 7 Flashy necklace 8 Increases 11 Overcome with fear 12 Hair oxen 15 Flemish painter 16 Three times 17 Make 18 Sluggish 21 Wild pig 22 Deal out punishment
Car Owner Drivers Required Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff !"Earn up to £9.00 per hour !"Flexible working hours !"And Free Pizza! Call: 02920 229977
TAURUS - Apr 21 - May 21 Once upon a time, in a castle high on a hill, lived an inventor whose greatest creation was named Edward. Although Edward has an irresistible charm, he wasn’t quite perfect. GEMINI - May 22 - June 22 We’re going to score tonight. See what they did there? They’re in a bowling alley with some hot spec bitches. CANCER - June 23 - July 23 You will go on a wondrous quest with the last Unicorn, meeting many colourful characters along the way. However, danger looms with the appearance of the sinister red bull. LEO - July 24 - Aug 23 This week you will fall victim to mistaken identity. Two thugs will enter your room and piss on your carpet. Beware of water-loving ferrets. VIRGO - Aug 24 - Sept 23 After being turned into a llama by your devious advisor you will form an unlikely alliance with a pleasant peasant. Discovering the good in everyone has never been this much fun. You’ll be laughing out loud long after you find it. Featuring the voice talents of Llama Face. LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23 This week your wits and friendships will be sorely
!
tested when you go on holiday by mistake. Beware of the amorous Uncle Monty, less than hospitable locals and empty cupboards. Scorpio - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 Inflicted with a deadly curse you will travel to a forest inhabited by animal gods who are at war with a proud clan of humans. This will leave you transfixed with amazement as stunning artistry blends with epic storytelling to create a uniquely entertaining week. SAGITTARIUS - Nov 23 Dec 21 Long ago in a time now relegated to myth and legend, the gummy bears were a shy but knowledgeable race that lived apart from man but worked alongside them to create a golden age that lasted for centuries. Capricorn - Dec 22 - Jan.20 The only thing you guys are going to do is eat his dad. Woah oh oh who’s that guy? His name is Claus. AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 I’ll be your girl for all seasons preferably spring. Interested? Pisces - Feb 20 - Mar 20 Fill the void in your life, by building a shrine to the deceased Bishops using a free poster of a chimp and two ‘My Little Pony’ ARIES - Mar 21 - Apr 20 Let’s do it for our country. Disneyland won’t mind.
Five facts... THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE... GUARANTEED BY CHUCK NORRIS.
1. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice. 2. In South Dakota it is illegal to fall asleep in a cheese factor y 3. In Indianapolis you may only throw a stone at a bird in self-defense 4. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all three at the same time? (Answer: Chuck Norris) 5. An Ostrich’s eye is bigger then its brain 6. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shor tly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered. Chuck Norris had roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
May 29 2006
Jobs & Money
Page 31
jobs@gairrhydd.com
Talk can be cheap Mobile phone ‘roaming’ costs can prove expensive when making calls abroad. Jobs & money take a look at the best ways to avoid the charges if you’re going abroad this summer
By Gill Roberts Jobs & Money Deputy Editor
S
tudents phoning home this summer from abroad won’t have to dig so deep into their pockets. Legal action has forced the major mobile phone networks to slash their overseas tariff, enabling students to save a few bob. Proposals have been drafted from ‘unjustified’ high roaming charges for using mobiles abroad in the EU. The aim of this is to allow travellers to make calls that cost the same as when in their home nation. An EU website launched last year by Viviana Reding states what charges travellers face: “It is high time that the EU’s internal market delivered substantially lower communication charges for consumers and business people travelling abroad,” she said. “I therefore propose that an EU regulation be used to eliminate all unjustified roaming charges.” Yet EU proposals have been criticised. The global trade body, the GSM Association, has said that there has been an average eight per cent fall in roaming charges. Its chief executive, Rob Conway, said; “further roaming regulation is unnecessary and could have unforeseen consequences.” Yet, recently, under threat of E.U wide regulations, costs have swiftly altered. O2 has announced a new 35p-a-minute tariff reducing the cost of making calls abroad, available for travellers roaming the EU from July. With T-Mobile’s calls standing at 55p-aminute, O2 has quickly become the cheapest in the UK for making calls abroad. O2 customers must opt for the new cheap rate. If not, they could be stung with costs ranging from 58p to 85p a minute on contract, and up to £1.50 on pre-pay. T-mobile customers, however, automatically receive the 55p a minute tariff on June 1. Lagging behind are Vodafone and Orange, who promise cuts next summer and in the near future. Vodafone and Orange are, however, offering 37p-a-minute international call bundles which you can buy on pay-as-you-go. As T-Mobile brags about its 379,000 new British customers, increasing its customer base to 16.4 million, Orange are rather green with envy after adding only 100,000 customers over three months. If the prospect of which tariff to choose is proving somewhat confusing there is another option. For students who have access to a computer abroad, it may prove cheapest to use ‘skype’ technology, a high-quality way of making cheap calls over the internet. The software is free, and calls cost nothing if the other party has skype too. Skype looks like an instant messagi n g pro-
WhxSwydd/Job:
Casual Operations Asst x 6
Ardal/Area:
Cardiff
Tal/Wage:
£5.49 per hour
Oriau/Hours:
Various (between 7am-11pm)
Parhad/Duration: Ongoing (from 1 June, 2006) Manylion/Details: Welsh Institute of Sport at Sophia Gardens requires 6 casu al operations assistants. Applicants must have NPLQ & lifeguarding qualification.
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
119
Swydd/Job:
Tele-Sales Agents x 6+
Ardal/Area:
Roath, Cardiff
Tal/Wage:
£5.50 per hour (part-time)
Oriau/Hours:
F/T (9am-5pm & P/T (5-8pm)
Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Outsourcing agency requires tele-sales agents to provide
HEEELLLLOOO: I’m on the beach, nah, it’s crap gramme where a list of contacts can be added. The only costs involved are the skype phone itself, around £30, and obviously the cost of using the internet. It is easy as clicking a green button and waiting for the other person to answer, from which point usual chat ensues. When using skype for a normal landline telephone it costs BEFORE YOU go away, check websites much less than a BT tariff. to find the cheapest provider for where The only drawback is that it can prove you are going. inconvenient, since both parties must be When abroad, you can then manually online to contact each another. Some extra select which network you want from homework is advised on this technology, but your phone. students could definitely save cash if they are Texting is more cost-effective. It is used to making longer calls. generally free to receive texts when For those without access to a computer or abroad. Double check if you want to who just don’t want the hassle, research has avoid any surprises. shown that it is cheaper to buy a local SIM Beware of voicemail: It is easy to get card abroad, rather than face roaming carried away and can be expensive. charges. T-Mobile and Orange advise to divert These cost around 15-18 euros. voicemail messages as you will be You will need to have your charged. Information on how to do this phone unlocked, but it will can be found on their websites. save pounds. SIM cards Vodafone offer an ‘International call which work in several saver’ which costs £2.50 per month. It different countries gives up to 61% savings on standard can also be preVodaphone World charges, and 81% on bought. The beninternational calls made from the UK to efit of this is that overseas. the SIM guide is in Get a ‘Vodafone Passport’ costing English and received 75p allowing you to take you home tarcalls are free. Look at iff abroad. Call 5555 or check out the SIM4travel.co.uk, website. gosim.com or 0044.co.uk Pay-As-You-Go O2 customers are for further info. given one free text message a week abroad and one minute of your first call free.
Staying in touch abroad
mobile solutions for customers. You should be confident, bubbly & self-motivated.
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
120
Swydd/Job:
Part Time Sales Advisors x 5
Ardal/Area:
Cardiff (Students’ Union)
Tal/Wage:
£5.75 per hour with incentives
Oriau/Hours:
12 hours per week to suit
Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Mobile network aimed directly at students requires 5 sales advi sors to sell contracts to stu dents. Applicants must be con fident and prepared to approach people. Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
123
UNISTAFF JOBSHOP is a great FREE service for students. We are here to help you find part-time work while you study. Work is available within the University, Students' Union as well as local companies. You can choose from one-off assignments or more regular part-time work. The Jobshop is based on the ground floor of the Students' Union (opening hours 10am-4pm Monday-Friday). Telephone: 029 20781535, Email: jobshop@cf.ac.uk
Page 32
s g n i t Lis
Recommended
May 29th 2006
listings@gairrhydd.com
The nipple-pinchingly erotic gair rhydd This Week: some rival popstars, a Neighbours
Educating Rita
G i r ls Aloud @ CIA Tues May 30
@ Sherman Thurs. June 1st
7pm/£24
8pm/£5 Sgueglia recommends
E
ducating Rita is the latest production from the Sherman theatre company . Directed by Phil Clark, this story focuses on the relationship between Rita, a working class girl from Liverpool, and Fred, her boring tutor with drinking problems. In order to get money, Fred has to accept the job at the university, where he will teach Rita. Fred’s initial repulsion for the uneducated student develops into an ambition to improve Rita’s culture, and Fred falls in love with her. Based on the novel by Willy
P ic k e of th k We e
The Waiting Room @ The Walkabout
Thurs June 1 7.30pm/£8 Harris recommends
I Schmit recommends
R
eality TV’s favourite daughters are back in Cardiff. Whether it’s for a love of their music, or simply that you find yourself (un)surprisingly attracted to them, one thing’s for certain; you’d hack off any of your limbs with a blunt, plastic spoon just get into their …..gig, tonight. I’ll happily be the first to slate any cheap, lacklustre, repetitive reality TV (please don’t mention any programme that involves pairing a celebrity with a professional dancer, ice skater etc as it makes me want to pack away my beloved tellybox), but Girls Aloud are one
of the only reality TV products (and that’s what they are, products) that actually have an inch of talent. I’m not claiming that they are amazing musicians who will go down in history as the greatest band of all time, but to have a band come out of something as uninspiring as Popstars: The Rivals, and actually have some talent, and I suppose the odd good look, is somewhat a rarity. To realise this you only have to go into your local burger outlet and ask for Michelle ‘it doesn’t matter how thin you get because you’re just ugly’ McManus, and ‘weight’ for a reply. The Girls however seem to have
Coming Up ’ @ Students Union
managed to stay firmly on the showbiz track and show no signs of veering off it, and with a number of successful albums under their belts they are showing that they have that bit extra to really make their mark on pop. I suppose having Cheryl Tweedy helps as well. One thing’s for sure and that is that the concert on Tuesday will be enjoyed by people across all spectrums; teenage pop fanatics, lonely men, grannies and even many a pop sceptic. Just like when a men eats a quiche, you’re not going to advertise having it to your friends, but deep down you know you want a piece of the action.
Russell, the story subtitles the Pygmalion stereotype: Fred is anarchic and he possesses the charm of the culture instead Rita, in the process of learning from her teacher, is charmed by him. We can attest to an exchange of favours between the Pygmalion (Fred) and his pupil (Rita). Fred turns Rita into a cultivated person, and Rita teaches Fred to embrace life. Above all, Fred feels that he is learning more from Rita than he is teaching her. Played by two brilliant actors, Steve Speirs (Fred) and Ruth Jones (Rita), Educating Rita represents how the will of people can change their life. Fred becomes a good teacher and succeeds in moving on rom his own negativity, and Rita comes to realise her ambitions. I strongly recommend this production, firstly because it is an emotional, intense story played by a professional cast, and secondly because. through Rita, we learn it is possible to ealise everything that we’ve ever wanted? So, will Fred and Rita escape together? Well, I can only promise you a partly happy ending.
t’s Dr K! Neighbours legend Karl Kennedy, played by the imitable Alan Fletcher, returns to Cardiff following his successful tour last year with his band, Waiting Room. Luckily, life does not imitate art, so Fletch, as he proudly calls himself, is not crap at music like his alter ego. In fact, quite the opposite. Waiting Room, as Listings can vouch for, having seen their last show in Cardiff in November, play a mixture of classic songs, from artists from the Beatles to Oasis, with a few originals thrown in, often about Karl's unrequited love for Susan. You see, Waiting Room aren't stupid. They know their appeal stems purely from devoted Neighbours fans, many of which turn up to gigs with banners beg-
ging Karl and Susan to get back together. So they welcome the fans' sometimes slightly worrying obsessions, which only fuels the atmosphere. It is telling that between Waiting Room and Motörhead gigs, the former was the one to give Listings temporary tinnitus. The crowd 'participation' was that loud. The Fletch is just one of many in a huge dynasty of Neighbours actors turned musicians, from Kylie to Stefan Dennis, but comes across as highly likeable, with the enthusiasm of someone who has been into playing music for years, and has often featured in musical theatre productions. Waiting Room were formed in 2004 and have a weekly slot at The Elephant and Wheelbarrow pub in Melbourne. Alongside Fletcher, they feature professional musicians Chris Hawker and Tommy Rando. The band has recorded an album, In The Waiting Room, and was asked to appear on the Jo Whiley Show. Aside from seeing Dr K in the flesh (surely a milestone in anyone's life), Waiting Room is worth going to see, not just as an example of an actor’s vanity project, but as a whole new experience of life.
Mr Scruff - June 1 @ Great Hall, £10, 7pm ... My Space presents My Festival - June 8 @ CF10, 7pm , £6 ... Alter Bridge June 11 @ Solus £13.50, 7pm ... Futureheads - July 11 @ Great Hall, £12.50, 7pm ... Allister - July 6 @ CF10, £9.00, 7pm ... Billy Talent - July 8 @ Solus, £11.00, 7pm ... Less Than Jake - August 26 @ Great Hall, £15.00, 7pm ...
Th e Fu tu reh eads
May 29 2006
Day By Day
Page 33
listings@gairrhydd.com
with Schmit, Harris & Sgueglia legend, and that one off of Little Britain...
Monday29/05
Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am. Free entry with NUS. £3 otherwise. X Factory @ The Taf Legendary Xpress DJs. 9pm-1am FREE New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably. Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer. I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger Five rooms, five bars, two dancing rooms, private booths. Tonight: Valentine’s Black and White Ball 9.30pm. £3/4 NUS. Monday Live @ Buffalo Bar The latest rock and indie tunes. 9pm - 2am. £2/3. Jazz @ Riverbank Hotel This weekly session has been home to many of South Wales’s finest musicians and enthusiastic amateurs for over ten years. Jazz Attic is a chance for all budding musicians to ‘sit in’ with the talented house trio. £2 / £1 for musicians.
Tuesday30/05
. Comedy Club @ CF10, SU The weekly comedy night in CF10. See the posters around the Union for this week’s line up. 8-11pm £4 NUS Soul Motion@ Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm-2am. Free. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Once upon a time... (No, that's not right) A long time ago, in a galaxy... (That's not right either) Many years ago (somewhere in 198?), Cardiff University Rock Society started a small rock disco... 9pm. £2.50. PickOf The Day Live @ Barfly Larrikin Love / Broken Sleep / The Hoods. The latest emergees of the post libertines fallout are the incomparable Larrikin Love. This uncannily young band have taken a bold step in breaking the mould, and whilst there is a deft nod to Doherty, it’s the interspersed brushings of ska and calypso that single them out. Indie conformists eat your heart out. 7.30pm. £6.
Popcorn @ Sherman Theatre A fast, funny and stylish exploration into the power of the media. 8pm. £5.
Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Soledad Brothers / Dan Sartain. The dark blues duo Soledad Brothers began in early 1998 after guitarist/vocalist Johnny Wirick asked drummer Ben Smith if he wanted to play a show. Since then, they have recorded for Detroit's Italy Records and Bellingham, Washington's Estrus label. 8pm. £8. Live @ C.I.A Get in; it’s Girls Aloud. They’re back with their new Biology Tour, and you can find out a little bit more on the facing page. George's Marvellous Medicine @ New Theatre It’s about children and drugs. 7pm. £6.
Friday 02/06
Saturday03/06
PickOf The Day Live @ Barfly My Little Murder/ Then Came Bronson / Haddonfield / Flintlock. My Little Murder are a Cardiff-area foursome who find themselves being added to punk bills throughout south Wales and beyond, and gaining fans among their peers and audiences. 7.30pm. £5.
Fat Friday @ Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) Probably the best club night on Fridays, and far more relaxed than the equally-good-in-allother-ways Popscene. 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4. Mad4It! @ Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever. 10.30pm-2am. £3. Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm. Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm. Audio Velvet @ Buffalo Bar Weekly party action of new music mixed with beat driven mayhem from the past, present and future. 8pm. £2/3. Pick Of The Day Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Beneath the Surface: Inner City Pirates / Be Be Be Sees / Hello Wembley. Pirates? I like pirates, especially if they resemble Johnny Depp. The ICP, though, are a Welsh punk rock group who used to be known as My Red Cell. Like real pirates, they maintain an almost non-existent presence on the internet, but could be worth checking out. 8pm. £5. Live @ The Point Bic Runga / The Devastations. Runga is an award-winning New Zealander who has made a name for herself in her home country over the last decade. A multi-instrumentalist and producer of her own material, she was part of the Lilith Fair tour in the US, alongside Emmylou Harris. Runga is here to promote her new album Birds. 7.30pm. £7.
Wednesday31/05
Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU After a two week break for exams it’s back. It’s time to get into all things sporty, sweaty an shitfaced. It’s Rubber Duck. 10pm. £3. Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music: aucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3. Traffic @ Philharmonic Cardiff’s DJ and club bing sociiety takes over the decks, playing house music until one in the morning. 9pm. Panic @ Barfly The very latest and great Indie hits. A brand spanking new FREE ENTRY clubnight. 10.30pm. Eay the DJ @ Buffalo Bar Resident DJs. FREE. Roots Hall @ Moloko Resident DJs / Phoenix Emily / DJ Truth. 8pm. FREE. Live @ Barfly The Reverend and The Makers / The Jakpot / Sweet Fontaine. The Reverend, all six and a half foot of him, and his backing crew are mint, seemingly having arrived fully formed as a tightarse indie dance collective with a soap operatic cast of thousands. 7.30pm. £6. Pick Of The Day Blue Attic @ Cafe Jazz Cardiff Student Jazz Society was proud to have given Blue Attic their first gig just over 18 months ago. Since then the band has become a popular presence on the Cardiff music scene with their rowdy blues & good-time soul. Tonight will sadly be their last ever gig. 8.45pm. £2 NUS. Bellydance Superstars @ St. David’s Hall They’ve performed over 300 concerts to over one million people. 8pm. £15
Sunday04/06
Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. TRAFFIC (DJ and clubbing socitey) playing house music in the other. 10pm. £3.50. Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm. Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance, go and celebrate the end (ish) of the year. 10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday. 9pm - 2am. Delinquent @ Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4. Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) with a little bit of other stuff thrown in 10pm – 2.30am. £3/4. Live @ Barfly Roland Shanks. A Camberwell-formed five piece band of former art students who started by making regular appearances at ‘The Windmill’ in Brixton. Said to be Ramonesesque and atmospheric. 7:30pm. £5.
Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case, the wrong ones. MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm. Pub Quiz @ Woodville Yet another Sunday night quiz to ponder over. 7pm. Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1. Open Mic @ Buffalo Bar Live acoustic acts, songwriters, bands and performers every week. 8pm. £2. The Fourth Chair @ The Social Some great improvised comedy.7.30pm. £FREE. Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Lesson No1: Vialka / Art Of Burning Water / The Death Of Her Money / FTSE100. Art of Burning Water are a progressive rock group from West London, formed in 2001. They are said to be eclectic to the extreme, in that they are influenced with music from The Who to Irish folk music. Vialka is a French and Canadian duo. Marylise Frecheville and Eric Boros have been together as Vialkafor 5 years, and their music is apparently a type of ‘gypsy punk’ music. So if you want to see something different then this could be it. 7.30pm. £5
Pick Of The Day Live @ The Social Kruger Magazine Presents: Rumble Strips /The Keys. The Rumble Strips have been described as rock meets Dexy’s garagemania, and Listings has recommended them before, with good reason, as they are really good. The Keys are from Cardiff and are an indie band, and have been described as: “a bit like Brian Wilson...but happier.” We’ll see you down there. 8pm. £6/£5.
Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Towers of London / Bullet / Dead Against the Rest. The Independent On Sunday said they sounded like “what Sex Pistols might have been like if Johnny Rotten had never been born, and Sid Vicious was the singer”. Garage rock group so full of attitude that they positively swagger through doors, showing off their expensive haircuts. Their album is called Blood Sweat and Towers and was recorded in three months in London and LA. 7.30pm. £7.
Thursday01/06 Pick Of The Day Live @ Students’ Union Mr Scruff. From his highly-inventive animation to his eclectic DJ sets to his downright funky production work or even just to buy a rather stylish pinafore from the tea shop! There is a reason for everyone to come to this amazing five hour set. 9pm. £10. Livewire @ Barfly Firing up every metal cylinder, punk piston, and hardcore harddrive. Good music, no dress code, and idiot free... Did I mention it’s FREE ENTRY Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese. Does exactly what it says on the tin, with drinks being cheaper than a bag of McCain’s. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am. Aperture @ Moloko Resident DJs / High Contrast / True Meaning / Specific / DJ Focus / DJ Haze / DJ Cujo / Carnage / Fresco / West One. 8pm. FREE before 11pm. Clubnight @ La Tropicana Hip-hop and R&B student night. 10pm. Cookie Puss @ Buffalo Bar The real deal mix of non re-issue funk 45s, soul melodies, afro, freakbeat and a nice bit of jazz. 9pm. £2/3. Loco @ La Tantra Open until 4am. Raise the Roof @ Journeys New and local live music - different genres each week. Live @ Barfly Help She Can’t Swim / Tiger Force / Grace. What is obviously apparent about HSCS is that they have presence. Their angry riotous punk erupts into a twisted dance of raw energy. 7.30pm. £6. Live @ Walkabout Karl Kennedy is back, or alter-ego Alan ‘Fletch’ Fletcher is anyway. See facing page.
VENUES Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com
Join two of the UK’s top student publications. Visit the gair rhydd and Quench office, on the top floor of the Students’ Union.
WHO IS GOING TO FILL THIS SPACE? gair rhydd and Quench are always looking for contributors, designers, photographers, sub-editors and proof-readers. Find us on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union
www.gairrhydd.com
gair rhydd
Sport
May 29 2006
Page 35
sport@gairrhydd.com
Seasonal statistics With this year’s cricket season now in the past, Sport, take a closer look at Cardiff’s top performers to see who contributed to the team’s success
By Tim Lewis Sport Editor DESPITE A disappointing end to the season, Cardiff’s cricketers finished the season with some impressive statistics. Steve Paul has been consistent at the top of the order for Cardiff all season and ends the season with a
total of 152 runs from four innings. This included a top score of 75 not out. James Excell and Aled Lloyd have proved key to Cardiff’s impressive season contributing with totals of 51 and 50 respectively. Against some top quality bowling in BUSA’s highest division Excell fin-
ished with a average of 51 for the year. Captain James Woodroof highlighted his vital role in the team with some excellent batting to support the top order. From three innings he finished with a useful 46 runs. Oli Stewart and Will Butterworth ended the season with totals of 41 and 27. With the ball in hand, it was the devastating pace of Ben Walker and Oli Stewart that did most of the damage for Cardiff this season. Walker’s five-wicket haul against Glamorgan took his end of season total to 12. This total was made all the more impressive as he gave away only 97 runs from 34 overs. Stewart proved his all-round ability by taking 11 runs from 26.2 overs in addition to the 41 runs he managed with the bat. James Excell and Ben Orr provided a very useful alternative to the pace of Walker and Stewart. Both left-arm spin-
nings, they each picked up seven wickets this season. Captain Woodroof failed to show some of the impressive bowling he produced last year but still managed to pick up two wickets. Warren Stafford also picked up a single wicket from 12 overs. In the field, Woodroof made up for his lackluster bowling with some fine fielding. The two catches taken against Glamorgan were prime examples of an excellent season in the field for Cardiff’s skipper. He finished the season with a vital total of five catches. Woodroof was not the only member of the team looking sharp in the field this season. Throughout the year, Cardiff have looked tight in the field and the hardwork of pre-season really appeared to pay off. Rich Foot and Greg Fury took two catches each and there were single catches for Steve Paul, Oli Stewart and Oli Tame. It was the strength of the squad which proved to be so important this season, contributing to one of Cardiff’s best ever performancces.
Strapped for cash? By Ross Whittam Reporter CARDIFF BUSINESSES are worried about the effect of football’s showpiece events moving back to Wembley. This year’s FA Cup and playoff finals were the last to be played at the Millennium Stadium after being held in Cardiff for the past six years. Hotels were fully booked and Cardiff could struggle to compensate for the loss of such big events. There are concerns that other major concerts and events, worth millions to Cardiff’s tourism industry, will also move to Wembley. Last weekend capacity crowds were at the Millennium stadium for the Championship playoff final and the Heineken Cup Final. Robert Evans, assistant manager of O’Neill’s on St Mary Street said: “We’ve done really well this weekend, it’s been very successful. If we lose some of these fixtures next year it will have a big impact.” Wembley was originally going to stage this year’s FA Cup final but is now not scheduled to open until early next year. Paul Sergeant, Millennium Stadium chief executive said: “You can never replace something like the FA Cup final, but there is plenty of other business out there.”
gair rhydd
Sport
Rain dashes Cardiff’s hopes of top spot playoff By James Woodroof Cricket Reporter CARDIFF FIRSTS HAVE been left devastated by the recent wet weather. After winning three out of four games, this year’s BUSA title was scheduled to be decided in the last game of the season against UWIC a win in which would have seen Cardiff crowned champions. However the game was called off due to rain, leaving Cardiff joint top with UWIC and Solent. BUSA rules state that if teams are tied, the results between the sides shall be taken. As Cardiff lost to Solent, who beat UWIC, and Cardiff’s UWIC game was abandoned, Cardiff
were left in third place - agonisingly short of a play-off position. It is an incredibly frustrating end to the season, because Cardiff have shown such progress and potential this season. Their last game saw an outstanding eightwicket demolition of Glamorgan. Glamorgan won the toss and decided to bat, hoping that the pitch would deteriorate. It may well have done, but their batsmen did not stay at the crease long enough to find out. Cowden attempted to launch Oli Stewart’s first ball of the innings over mid-off, but James Woodroof was right underneath it. Left-arm seamer Ben Walker then removed Taylor with his second ball, with the help of
another catch from Woodroof. With Glamorgan two for two, Cardiff had achieved the perfect start. Stewart struck again in his next over, as Glamorgan limped to 20 for three off five. The wickets continued to tumble as Glamorgan faded under Cardiff’s bowling onslaught. Their tail failed to wag, as Cardiff’s opening bowlers rampaged through the lower order, reducing the visitors to a woeful 56 all out in just 16 overs. Cardiff have struggled to find a consistent partner for a solid Steve Paul at the top of their batting order. Captain James Woodroof led from the front and opened with Paul.
This time around the pair did exactly what was needed, batting sensibly, and moving the ball easily around the demoralised fielders, reaching 40 before Woodroof was trapped LBW for 23. Some questionable umpiring accounted for Woodruff’s replacement, Allen, in the next over, the damage was done. Paul and new batting partner Lloyd guided Cardiff to an impressive eightwicket victory. Although the team will be disappointed with the way the season closed, they have a lot to be proud of. The team stand in good stead to make a title push next season with a young and committed squad, the future appears bright for Cardiff’s cricketers.
GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN n REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE n GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS n THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS n THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY n WELLINGHAM SWANS OFF TO JOB INTERVIEW NUMBER 456. WILL NO-ONE EMPLOY THIS ‘ENEMY OF I****’? n THE BERLINER IS NOW PUBLIC. JUST LIKE THE SCHOOLBOY CUNTS AT OXFORD n MUSIC SPECIAL PROVES MUSIC EDITORS ARE ‘VERY SPECIAL’ YOUNG MEN n BLUE BAR: OFFICALLY ‘NOT FUNNY’ WHEN DONE UNDER PRESSURE ON A FRIDAY MORNING n O-PLUS... MORE LIKE ‘OH, PLEASE’ n THAT’S RIGHT YOU CUNTS, WE HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN n WE HAVE NOTHING... NOTHING