gair rhydd - Issue 817

gair rhydd

FREE

GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

ISSUE 817 JUNE 5 2006

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972

GUESS WHO POPPED INTO HIS FAVOURITE STUDENTS’ UNION FOR A QUICK VISIT? NEWS PAGE 3

‘SHAMBLES’ ■ Medical students outraged

after exam blunders ■ Course reputation takes a further blow

By Perri Lewis News Editor

DISGRUNTLED: Medics suffer after week of exam pain

Final year medical exams have been branded ‘a shambles’ by students.

All four of the finals that students sat last week were riddled with setbacks.

One fourth year medical student told gair rhydd: “It was disgraceful.

There was a major lack of organisation by the School of Medicine.

“One exam paper didn’t include vital information, another started an hour late and one question paper didn’t have anywhere for us to put the right answer.”

This disruption comes just six months after it was revealed that Cardiff medical students are seriously unsatisfied with their degree schemes.

In responses to the National

Student Survey, students complained that lecturers turned up late, courses were disorganised and assessment marks were seriously delayed.

A spokesman for the School of Medicine told gair rhydd in October that the University would address these problems.

“The School is taking this very seriously and will take steps to rectify this,” he said.

But many final year medical students believe that the School have not taken enough action to combat these issues.

One said that the exam fiasco highlighted just how bad the problems are.

“We all thought that the problems would be resolved after the student survey showed such damning results,” she said.

“But nothing has changed and last week reflects this.

“When the invigilators told us there were some mistakes, we all just laughed.

“We’re so used to it being a shambles.”

The recent troubles started on Monday May 22 when it was found that there were not enough papers for the number of candidates sitting the exam. Extra copies had to be made on a Talybont photocopier.

Students have also complained that the optically-marked answer paper was missing a number of spaces to include the right answer.

Wednesday’s exam started an hour late and students were given no explanation for the delay and on Friday the exam paper did not include vital information required for answering the question Students who participated in a

Story continued on Page 2

NEXT WEEK: GAIR RHYDD CHANGES FORMAT TO END THE YEAR IN STYLE

News

Page 2

June 5 2006

news@gairrhydd.com

At

a glance June 5 2006 News Editorial & Opinion Letters Mickelodeon Politics Taf Od Jobs & Money Media Science/Environment Health Grab!

Dear Amber Television Five Min Fun/Scopes Listings Sport

1 6 7 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 17 18 19 27 28 30

EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel, Andy Rennison EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Jenna Harris, Rosaria Sguelia TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Jane, TV Neil, TV Ellen LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor, Lisa Hocken TAF-OD Lois Dafydd, Kathryn Harris SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval SCOPES Christina Lane FIVE MIN FUN The Cookie Monster HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou SUB-EDITORS Catherine Gee, Charlotte White, Holly Marshall PROOF READERS Jess Anderson, Kieran Harwood CONTRIBUTORS Jon Tuscany, Jo Dingle, Adam Millward, Katie Kennedy, Andy Rennison, Emily Knightley, Laura Wootton, Lydia James, Dave Menon, Catherine Hewitt, Alex Westwood ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union

PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH

An eggcellent discovery

By Jo Dingle Deputy News Editor A TEAM CLAIM to have found an answer to the age old question: What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The panel, made up of a geneticist, a philosopher and a chicken farmer, came to the conclusion that it was the egg.

Their answer,

in simple terms, is based on the understanding that genetic material does not change during an animal’s life.

Therefore, in prehistoric times, the first bird that evolved into what we would call a ‘chicken’, must have first existed as an embryo inside an egg.

Professor John Brookfield, a specialist in evolutionary genetics at the University of Nottingham, told the UK Press Association: “The living organism inside the eggshell would have had the same DNA as the chicken it would develop into.

“So, I would conclude that the egg

came first.”

The same conclusion was reached by the other members of the team, Professor David Papineau, an expert in the philosophy of science, and poultry farmer Charles Bourns.

Professor Papineau said: “I would argue it is a chicken egg if it has a chicken in it.”

However, Dr Anil Shirsat, a geneticist at the University of Wales, Bangor, said the rationale underlying the egg-came-first theory is flawed.

“Genetic material is always changing during an animal’s life.

“Chickens have come out of a process of evolution.”

Story continued from front

GET IT OUT FOR CARDIFF

By Jon Tuscany Reporter STUDENTS ARE being urged to tackle end-of-term rubbish by taking part in the clean-up initiative ‘Get it Out for Cardiff’.

The initiative, which is backed by Channel 4’s Kim and Aggie, stars of How Clean is Your House, is designed to minimise council clean-up costs.

Last year an extra 30 tonnes of rubbish was collected over two days thanks to the campaign, which has now been extended for an extra week.

Councillor Elgan Morgan,

Executive member for Environment and Transport, said: “This is a great opportunity for students to make a real impact on their areas by ensuring they are left clean and tidy for their neighbours.

We hope that this initiative will excel last year’s success.”

CLEAR OUT: Channel Four’s Kim and Aggie

in a clinical exam on Tuesday have also expressed concern that the groups who sat the same test after them could have had an unfair advantage as they may have had access to the exam questions.

One student was so disgusted with the situation that he sent an email to all medical lecturers on behalf of the students, criticising the School of Medicine and demanding an explanation.

He received a number of supporting responses from students who were equally appalled at the exam set-backs.

One medic said: “It’s an absolute joke that our medical school think that they can expect 300 students to wait around for an exam without so much as explaining the situation.

“I can think of plenty of examples of sheer ineptitude on the part of the school in the past.”

Lindsey Jones, the medical students’ Undergraduate Office Manager, responded to the email by posting an explanation for the delayed exam on Blackboard. She said: “Arrangements were made to access the papers during the evening of Tuesday May 23, however the room had been deadlocked and the key holder had left for the day.

“It was expected that the key holder would return early in the morning, in plenty of time to set up the examination, however due to traffic problems around Cardiff their arrival was later than expected.”

The university have acknowledged that there were problems with last week’s exams and have assured students that their grades will not be affected.

A spokesman for the University said: "The University has sought to minimise any disruption to students and it is regrettable that students have concerns regarding the conduct of their examinations.

“All matters regarding the conduct of these examinations will be reported to the Examining Board when it determines students' results. The circumstances will be taken into account by the Examining Board when it considers each student case.

“Any student who believes that disruption to the conduct of the examinations had an impact on his/her performance should submit a letter to the Chair of the Examining Board, via the School Office, detailing the circumstances in full.”

News

June 5 2006

Page 3

news@gairrhydd.com

MEN’S

DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE

FOLDS

By Charissa Coulthard News Editor

By John Tuscany Reporter A NEW magazine aimed at Welsh ‘metrosexual’ men has folded before releasing its first edition.

Tidy magazine, one of two magazines specifically targeting Welsh men, was meant to hit the shelves on July 1 but has had to pull the first edition due to financial reasons.

It is understood that one of the managers got into a financial crisis that resulted in the Internet being disconnected and the staff left unpaid.

A source said: “There were two business partners and one of them said he had 29 advertisers and he had only got two people signed.

“He had let the other one down, who said he’s seeking advice and looking for a replacement.”

It is hoped that the magazine will relaunch again soon.

Staff at Tidy magazine refused to comment.

A STIR of excitement was caused on the fourth floor of the Students' Union last week when Alan Fletcher, aka Neighbours' Dr Karl Kennedy, arrived to be interviewed on Xpress Radio.

The stud of student daytime television talked co-star rumours, music and his departure from the long-running soap with station manager Kid Syd on Thursday.

He also signed autographs, posed for photos and willingly signed the petition for a Neighbours omnibus.

“He seemed like a really nice guy,” said Kid Syd. “He loved the attention. He was really good to interview, really willing to chat about loads and didn't seem to withhold any information.”

During the 45-minute grilling he cleared up rumours that have circulated about his co-stars, including speaking of Susan Kennedy’s alleged lesbianism and Lou Carpenter's status as a preNeighbours porn star.

He also spoke of the long-awaited reunion of Karl and Susan, and his future with the show.

Syd said: “He said you’d have to watch between now and October if you want to see if Karl gets back with Susan, but he wouldn’t tell us exactly what happens, and when.

By Adam Millward Deputy News Editor STUDENTS ARE being offered the chance to study the life and times of Elvis Presley in a new qualification entirely devoted to The King.

The course – to be called Elvisology – was thought up by author and committed fan of Elvis, Peter Phillips.

He announced his plans at the press launch of this year’s Porthcawl Elvis Festival,

which he initiated in 2004.

This event, in conjunction with its spin-off, the Welsh Elvis Idol competition, is the largest of its kind in Europe, and aims to aid and encourage budding Hound Dog tribute artists.

T h e course

“He said he’s leaving the show but it won’t be for about two years on UK screens. He’s also planning to move to the UK in a couple of years. He said he likes Wales but isn’t a big city fan, so he probably won’t move to Cardiff.

“But he’s coming over here every six months with his band (the Waiting Room), whose album is out now.”

Despite Alan’s willingness to talk about most things, it seems Kid Syd still found himself a little starstruck.

“I accidentally said ‘Brightside

by Mr Killers’ (instead of Mr Brightside by The Killers),” he said.

“He claimed it was because I was hungover because I was a student. But all in all he loves ours Neighb r students.” u o Y w The star said his good- Kno from inally a porn byes before heading to ig r o t is o Walkabout to promote his !" Lou uth and was nrs. o u band. “I gave him a lift,” Portsmior to Neighbo pr Syd added. “He liked my star n d' Susa er askelly a lescar.” v e 'n s a a re lh “He said he might be inter- !" Karedy if she is lief, she has n be ested in doing an acoustic Kenn. Contrary to gs rather than le Xpress lunch in November, so biattoos on her ta . s watch this space.” her arm r Karl’s 45-minute grilling nship o a relatioon-screen d a h r e from Kid Syd is a podcast availv h his ! He ne able for download from a child wit by Kennedy. ib L www.xpressradio.co.uk.

The daughter, ntly low-down on Alan Fletcher can as rece ngle h a M y also be found at alanfletcher.net. !" Sk

has been an idea for some time, but is only now close to realisation. Phillips said: “I’m in touch with the South East Wales Open College Network and I’m also talking it through with Bridgend College.”

He anticipates the course to be of the same standing as a BTec and will “include new specialist modules for business planning in the Elvis market…[to] be gained over a two-week residential course, although this could change.”

Dave Smith, of Cwmaman, Aberdare, was crowned the Welsh Elvis Idol of 2005 and has subsequently quit his supermarket job to become a full-time tribute artist.

He believes: “[Elvisology] could help people get to grips with the business side of things.”

The Porthcawl Festival 2006 will take place from September 29 to October 1, while any would-be Elvises can thrust it out in the heats of the Welsh Elvis Idol on Saturday June 10 at the McArthurGlen Designer Outlet, Bridgend.

PHOTO: James Perou

MAG

Real ale, real success

By Adam Millward Deputy News Editor THIS YEAR’S annual Real Ale and Cider Festival, which took place at the start of March, raised over £3000 for charity.

2006 was the ninth festival organised by the Real Ale Society, and the most successful to date. Over 1,400 students attended the two-day event and, in total, consumed 6,000 pints of real ale and cider. A petition, asking for the

return of real ales and ciders to the Union, to benefit both Cardiff students and small local breweries, collected 450 signatures.

The impressive sum of cash will shortly be donated to the Barry-based Ty Hafan children’s hospice, which supports terminally-ill children and their families.

Any student interested in joining the Real Ale Society, or getting involved with the tenth anniversary festival, next year, can make contact at realales@cardiff.ac.uk.

News

Page 4

June 5 2006

news@gairrhydd.com

ISRAELI LECTURERS BOOTED OUT

By Katie Kennedy Deputy News Editor A LETTER OF condemnation has been signed by 600 international academics disputing the British Lecturers’ Union’s ban on Israeli university lecturers, describing the act as ‘Israeli apartheid policies’.

The online letter calls upon the 69,000 members of the Britain’s National Association of Teachers in Further and Higher Education (Natfhe) to reject the boycott.

Although the academics make it clear that they disagree with the Israeli occupation of the West Bank and Gaza, they state that: “We oppose the inconsistency of blacklisting Israelis but adopting a different attitude to academics in the…long list of other states that are responsible for equal or worse human rights abuses.”

With regards to the current lecturers’ pay dispute, the letter also emphasized the need for lecturer unity at the present time and said ‘academics need to stand together’.

But the Federation of Palestinian University Professors

and Employees also dispatched a letter to Natfhe delegates, supporting the boycott motion, highlighting that: “Israeli academic institutions are implicated in various forms of oppression against the Palestinians.

“Israeli research institutes, think tanks and academic departments have granted legitimacy to the work of academics who advocate ethnic cleansing, apartheid, denial of refugee rights, and other discriminatory policies against the Palestinians”.

Even if members of Natfhe vote for the boycott, it could be shortlived, as Natfhe is due to become a part of the Associated Union of Teachers this week.

Emanuele Ottolenghi of Oxford University’s Centre for Hebrew and Jewish Studies said that a boycott could infringe upon basic academic freedoms: “Asking academics to state their political opinion on a specific matter as a precondition to being accepted...is in the best tradition of Stalinism.”

What does Mickelodeon think? Find out on Page 9 ISRAEL: Flagging up discrimination

Strike update THE UNIVERSITY lecturers’ employers association, UCEA, this week offered a 13.1 per cent pay increase to lecturers’ representatives at the national negotiating table.

But the offer was turned down by the unions involved in the ongoing industrial action - the same time as they issued warnings that action would intensify further.

UCEA reacted to the unions by saying that they had ‘reached the end of the road’ regarding the national negotiations.

The NUS, who continue to support the lecturers demands, have branded the situation ‘seriously frustrating’, as well as conceding that there is little they can do to move the situation forward.

With exams in Cardiff now well underway, students here may have avoided the disruption that has affected institutions such as Aberystwyth, where exams have been cancelled.

However, with more papers now being sat each day, there is now the real possibility of a marking backlog developing.

The University is maintaining its position that no problems are expected and is developing contingency plans for problems should any arise in the future.

NEW GRADUATES GET GUIDANCE

By Jon Tuscany Reporter

CITY HALL: Hosting Grad Recruitment Day

STUDENTS GRADUATING from Cardiff University this summer are to be offered a three-week programme of support and guidance to help them decide what they want to do after their degrees.

From June 1- 23, final year students of any degree have the opportunity to take part in talks and workshops organized by the Career Service, including interview skills workshops, aptitude tests, CV help and financial guidance.

The New Grad programme’s highlight will be the Graduate Recruitment

Day on June 15 from 11.00 am - 3.00 pm in Cardiff’s City Hall, which showcases almost 60 organisations across many career sectors and gives students the chance to meet recent graduates.

For more information, visit the University’s Career Service.

To sue or not to sue...

By Adam Millward Deputy News Editor STUDENTS ARE BEING urged to sue their universities and colleges over the current lecturers’ strike action, according to a report in The Times.

Lecturers’ unions involved in the strike have rejected the latest offer as ‘derisory’, and thousands of degree and exam results will be disrupted if matters are not resolved soon.

Lawyers are said to be actively encouraging students, especially those affected by the marking boy-

cott, to claim compensation.

Last week’s Education Guardian reported that leaflets have been bombarding students across the country, while some campuses have had visits from legal advisers.

One lawyer explained: “If students are partly paying for their course out of their own pockets, they will be concerned to make sure they are getting what they have been contracted to have.”

Striking lecturers have also been warned that they are at risk of litigation, because if students indict the universities for ‘breach of contract’,

the institutes could sue the lecturers for much the same charge.

Ian Marshall, an employment expert at law firm Martineau Johnson, warns students not to jump on a litigation bandwagon.

“This is uncharted territory for all parties. I can not recall a case where a student has sued a university for not getting the degree they expected or not getting one at all,” he said.

The NUS is willing to support students considering legal action. One spokesman said: “This comes as no surprise given the current disruption to their education and, potentially,

COMPENSATION: Money for (lecturers doing) nothing? their future working life.”

When asked if he’d be willing to sue, one Cardiff undergraduate, in his third-year, said: “Students should be able to sue if we don’t get our rightful degrees. Fees seem to be increasing all the time and what are we getting out of it?

“I accept that lecturers have a poor pay deal, but they should work with students to improve their wages, not against us.”

Editorial & Opinion

Page 6

June 5 2006

opinion@gairrhydd.com

BAD MEDICINE ONLY LAST year gair rhydd revealed a series of major problems within Cardiff’s School of Medicine.

The lack of funding for medical placements and a slating in the results of last year’s National Student Survey ought to have taught those at the top of the Cardiff medical establishment an important lesson.

But it came as no surprise to learn that when it came to important fourth year exams the school once again proved it couldn’t organise a round of drinks in an ale-making facility – to put it mildly.

Blaming traffic problems for the hour delay of an exam undermines every aspect of the examination process.

To leave students, who had been revising for weeks previously in the dark during one of the most stressful periods of their lives is beyond a sick joke and borders on the cruel.

Why are the keys to where exam papers are held taken away from campus in the first place? What would the plan be if something more serious than a delay in traffic were to happen to the key holder that prevented them returning at all? Would exams then have to be rescheduled – totally disrupting revision timetables and long-made plans?

These are just a few questions that this year’s final year medical students must now be dying to know the answers to.

University officials have had months to plan these exams and it’s ridiculous that people who are paying thousands upon thousands of pounds to study here can’t even have their exams administered properly.

All of this is without even mentioning the fact that staggering exam start times for a clinical exam meant the first group of students out of the doors could have told the second or third groups answers to key exam questions.

You shouldn’t (and wouldn’t) get that at GCSE, or A-Level, never mind at the end of a degree in medicine.

There is no excuse for this shoddy organisation. It demeans the hard work of students and the prestige of their expensive degree. These mistakes must not be repeated.

FINAL COUNTDOWN

THE PUBLISHING year up here in the gair rhydd office is now drawing to a close.

Accross the last academic year we’ve enjoyed many thrills and spills bringing Cardiff students’ the news thats affects them.

However we’ve still got one more surprise up our sleeves. For the last month the gair rhydd staff have been working twice as hard to bring you the ultimate student publication.

Be sure to pick up the paper next week to see the results and be sure to let us know what you think.

Perri Lewis questions whether Topshop’s move towards the top end of the fashion hierarchy has left ordinary shoppers with no-where to go?

A

pparently Parisians have been longing for a Topshop.

Luckily, their wish has been granted: Colette, the French capital’s premier fashion store, has teamed up with the high-street giant to bring the city’s fashionistas a bit of British je ne sais quoi.

The French fashion house will stock Topshop’s staple pieces, the simple vest and the skinny jean, as well as couture-based brand Topshop Unique. It seems that, once again, the Arcadia-owned retailer is focusing its efforts on pleasing the high-end of the fashion market.

It’s not the first time that Topshop has neglected the great unwashed.

Just last year they coughed up a small fortune to be the main sponsor of London Fashion Week and became the first high-street store to put on a runway show at the event. Their catwalk offerings blended in perfectly with the other couture shows: you would have been forgiven for thinking that the outfits they showed off were from an established Italian or Parisian fashion house.

But while their move towards highbrow fashion has earned them numerous brownie points with the fashion elite, it’s left the rest of us without the leading high-street store we once had.

Topshop used to be the only place to shop on the high-street. It had significantly more credibility than your average Next or Dorothy Perkins and was always leaps and bounds ahead of your New Looks and Bay Tradings in the fashion stakes. In June it stocked the styles you had seen on the summer catwalk shows in January and the pieces always had a reasonable price tag.

But me, my friends and numerous fashion critics have noticed a decline in Topshop’s offerings in the last few years. Their quest to dictate trends like couture houses do, rather than copy styles from the runway, may have impressed the likes of Kate Moss, but it has left the average highstreet shopper disillusioned with the once-loved store.

Jeans and basic tees aside, too many of the things that you find in Topshop are overly fashionable. It stems from the fact that the store has employed the talents of designers like Eley Kishimoto and Tatty Devine to produce their main collections.

It’s not the first time that Topshop has neglected the great unwashed These designers think about how they would dress latest catwalk queen Lily Cole rather than what your average 17-year-old wannabe can pull off.

Their designs might look something special on the mannequin in the window, or on a celeb in Heat magazine, but wear them down the pub on a Friday night and you’ll look more

FASHION: Not for those of us on the high street than a little over-dressed.

Topshop is no longer where it’s at on the high-street. The couture-like designs come with a matching price tag and in an age where trends change more quickly than ever, most under21s are choosing not to splash out £50 on a jacket that will be soo not in next week dahling. Most high-street shoppers are choosing to buy cheaper outfits, more frequently, in places like Primark and New Look.

These stores are choosing not to follow Topshop’s lead in trying to influence next season’s trends.

Instead, they have taken a leaf out of successful European store Zara’s book. Rather than offering expensive pieces that are on sale throughout the season, they are producing tameddown versions of couture trends that, once sold out, will not appear in stores again. Their rapid change of stock that imitates rather dictates what style-icons like Sienna and Kate are wearing is proving successful and shoppers are voting with their feet and opting to buy more and more from these types of shops.

It seems clear that it is these brands, rather than the once-reigning Topshop, who are dominating the high-street. They are the ones who have made wise choices and assessed

the fashion climate most accurately.

They have not tried to cosy up to fashion’s choice few like Topshop has and so have not alienated a large proportion of high-street shoppers.

If Topshop is to reign once more, the executives had better decide where they stand: are they leaders of a high-street whose job is to imitate catwalk trends, or are they part of the by alex wallis

FREE WORD

Still the Top shop?

Al’s World

gair rhydd

elite who shape next season’s styles?

Whatever road they choose, they need to decide soon, before the cheaper alternatives like Primark and New Look steal their high-street crown for good. Because even if hoards of Parisians do flock to their Colettebased outlet, they won’t shell out enough cash to keep Topshop afloat in the long-term.

Letters

June 5 2006

Page 7

letters@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd letters page The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the rain has passed (for now anyway). I have every reason to be happy. But I am actually a little bit sad, because my time as Letters Editor is slowly running out. I have had a great year reading your letters (even those that have criticised me). After all those rainy days, some of your letters have cheered me up and made me feel better about life. Also, reading your contributions has made me increasingly aware of what goes on in the union, and the issues that matter most to students.

Therefore, I urge you all to send in loads of letters next year. Enjoy the Berliner next week. Have a great summer. Menon.

Light in Sight THAT MAGICAL time of year has come around again. Yes, surely enough, the stress of exams and coursework is coming to an end.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, being trapped between the same four walls day in day out revising, getting stressed and getting mind-numbingly bored.

The peak of your social life is spending ridiculous amounts of time on Facebook and MySpace that you actually begin to feel dizzy after a while.

Evolving your day around Neighbours and Deal or No Deal, that is how sad your life gets when you are excited about your revision break and wonder what dodgy shirt Noel Edmunds will be wearing today.

Hurray! At last we can get back to sanity and relax now it's all coming to an end, live up to the stereotype of us students. Let’s all get lashed and be merry - bring on the summer, it's going to be a good one.

Yours, Joanne Grew

Football Folly I KNOW MANY decent football fans that go to matches and they are not racists (relating to ‘Football Follies’ by Christopher Leigh, issue 816).

For his information, football does not cause racism and is not ‘the last refuge for racists’. I do acknowledge that there is still a problem in society and this has manifested itself in foot-

ball matches past and present.

However this is not due to the sport.

One of the many good aspects of the beautiful game is that it is the game of the people, in that all social classes can be involved.

Racism is mainly due to ignorance and lack of education and because football is open to all social classes, it does attract this significant minority that bring this nasty element into the game.

I think Christopher Leigh has been reading too many sensationalist headlines and as a result is tarring all football fans with the same brush and blaming the sport instead of problems within society.

Yours, Nicholas Febrer, Third-year Law and Sociology

Name is the Game I FEEL THE TIME has come for me to vent my spleen. I am generally interested in reading the letters page of the gair rhydd, but one thing really grinds my gears (that was a Family Guy reference, by the way).

I am talking about the immature practice of many contributors of not including their names with their letters.

It's a student newspaper, for God's sake, not an appeal on Crimewatch!

The header to the letters page should read, "if anyone has information regarding their own opinions, they should come forward now, your names will be kept private..."

It's ridiculous! If you are going to try and get something published, at

Text: 07791165837 Even a sperm whale can get the bends Nikki off big bro grates my soul and is vicky pollard in disguise!

He is a beast right!

That article by christopher leigh was pants.

Really pants.

i was such a mess last night! I was like a renegade maverick putting it out there for everyone to see! x Laura sawyer is a benny Duane, your village called.. They want their idiot back.

My flatmates think I broke ones of their plates! Help!

How much wood, would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris? All of it.

I AM NOT A HUMAN DOODLE!

Reg cut his hair, and he looks like a complete spangle!

letter of the week Utterleigh Disgraceful YOUR ‘Football Follies’ article (issue 816) was disgraceful.

Christopher Leigh has no idea what football is about.

There are a few points he should know.

1. “If you didn’t like football, what did you do from the age of four to sixteen? Then you grow out of it, don’t you? It’s a phase. It’s the people who don’t grow out of it that you should worry about."

How can you write about something you know absolutely nothing about? He thinks it’s a phase people go through when it’s the most populeast have the guts to stand on your own two feet and take responsibility.

On the other hand, I can hardly blame that petty individual who (two weeks previously) wrote in to complain about another writer’s grammar, for wanting to remain hidden.

If that is the best point of view he can come up with, maybe he should have kept it to himself.

We are supposed to be mature individuals, part of which involves taking responsibility for what we say and do.

So for the love of Jebus, stand up for what you say.

Yours, Nathan Glover

Waste of Time WITH REFERENCE to issue 816, a resident of Flat Six at Colum Hall claims that ‘everyone is surely aware of the benefits that recycling has to the environment.’

I would like to argue this statement.

In February 1989 a paper was published titled ‘The Solid Waste Dilemma: An Agenda for Action’ by former EPA administrator, J. Winston Porter.

This paper (along with the Mobro

lar sport in the country.

2. “You can’t buy taste even when you’re on 50-grand a week.” “Have you ever actually seen a footballer’s wristwatch?” - yes actually.

There are a lot of footballers sponsored by Dolce & Gabbana, Armani, etc. David Beckham is sponsored by Police, who make watches and sunglasses.

3. “Worse still, go to a match in France or Spain or Italy. Football is the last bastion of white supremacy in Europe” - has he seen the French national side? Has he noticed that they are almost all black?

“Football is racism in disguise.” I dont even need to say anything...

“Say what you want about the 4000 incident in 1987) created the foundation of the modern recycling movement.

Both of these incidents caused panic through enviromentalists claiming that America was running out of landfill space.

This argument was later found to have no supporting evidence, instead reliant upon changing enviromental regulations and poor decision making by local public officials.

The damage is now done however, with many people believing that recycling saves energy, landfill space, money, and trees - worst of all, it can actually be worse for the environment (and not improve it as commonly believed).

The fallacy of the money saving argument can be simply explained through stating that subsidies (tax money used to pay for something in the free market that would otherwise be done unwillingly) are used to cover the costs of recycling - if it made money then we’d be paid for doing it, something that is only true for recycling aluminium cans.

For people interested in the background behind this reasoning, I could suggest no better than to watch episode five of the television series Penn &

players who have different coloured skin to you and the club might get fined a few thousand Euros but no one really cares.” - like when Ron Atkinson called Marcel Desailly a n****r in jest and lost his commentating career, his pundit career and his column in a national newspaper.

Racism is so accepted.

Before he writes his next article on how alcohol should be banned as it promotes anti-social behaviour or something like that, he should try and be sure he actually has a clue about what he is writing about.

I don't expect this to be published just so long as he reads it.

Steven Burke

Teller: Bullshit! (season 2) which explains my above points in more detail.

For a more thorough explanation again, the book Eight Great Myths of Recycling by Daniel Benjamin does well to describe the wasteful activity that is recycling.

Yours, James Johnson

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life? Want to get your point across to the Cardiff student population? Then you’re in the right place! Email us your letters on the above address.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency.

Please also feel free to note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

Comment

June 5 2006

Page 9

mickelodeon@gairrhydd.com

MICKELODEON Arrete de branler les couilles et au boulot

State of the Union

H

aving got bored of boycotting their own work in this country, lecturing über-Union NATFHE have gone international.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to bleat on about the assessment of our exams again. Who needs to criticise the union for that, when it is lining itself up for criticism with their boycott of sections of Israeli academia that won’t publicly distance themselves from ‘Israeli apartheid policies’?

Blimey. Good to see that isn’t an emotionally loaded proposition that was put before the conference. It’s pretty much the same as insisting that British academics have to proclaim their opposition to the War in Iraq to not be ostracized from their peers.

Is this really the academic way to get things done? To bar one side from even taking part in the debate on the future of the region goes against the principles they profess to be protecting. Barring one side of the debate means there is no debate at all.

The importance of freedom of expression is not an abstract concept; it is the concrete basis for peace Even while freedoms may be curtailed on the ground, the benefit of academia is that it comprises its own self-contained realm of discussion and freedom of expression is essential to make that work. The Oslo peace process, for example, was kickstarted by links between Israeli and Palestinian academics. The importance of freedom of expression is not an abstract concept; it is the concrete basis for peace.

Instead, the union is trying to introduce politics into academia. Was I the only person who thought the point of a union was to represent their members’ interests in employment matters?

Anyway, in a thoroughly unusual piece of timing, the union doesn’t actually exist any more. My favourite inept unions NATFHE and AUT merged last Thursday to create the UCU, so this is the last chance they had to create such a hate-filled

FENCE: Lecturers not fans message.

Interestingly it is almost exactly a year since a boycott of Israeli academics by the AUT was overturned in the name of freedom of speech.

But the topic is muddied somewhat as there is more than one debate going on. There’s the question of freedom of expression; but underlying it there is also a debate going on about the validity of the state of Israel.

Regardless of what you think of the unions choosing to boycott Israeli academics, there is little doubt that the real arguments going on here are about the political hue of the unions rather than a great defence of freedom.

I’m not going to suggest that there is something anti-Semitic underlining the action. But why has Israel been singled out? Why not Russia or China?

It has been argued that Israel is different as Israeli academics are in a unique position of being free to criticise the creation of the security fence.

An academic in China is not going to have the same freedom to criticise the state. But the AUT also supports the Cuba Solidarity Campaign, in defence of the socialist state. Cuba is hardly world-renowned for upholding academic freedom.

Instead the dividing lines of what the unions are willing to support or criticise are arguments professing a concern for freedom of expression, when all they really do is reinforce casual stereotyping of the political spectrum.

Still, every cloud has a silver lining.

With the unions fighting themselves, their united front on negotiations over pay here stands a greater chance of collapsing.

LEARNAGE THIS IS the last Mickelodeon; apparently the ‘-odeon’ suffix is too tabloid for next week’s fancy effort. So I’m taking this last opportunity to impart what I’ve learnt in my time here. ! There is nay a boy in this university who hasn’t used hair straighteners at least once. ! It takes exactly two years to plan how to open a burger bar. ! If you took all the Bob Marley posters from first years’ bedrooms and laid them end to end, you’d probably get arrested. ! You never really made it to the second year unless you completed the Blackweir Tavern Challenge (39 minutes – have it). Its end was the biggest loss to Welsh culture since the passing of Owain Glyndwr. ! If you’re going to crap yourself and lie outside the front of the Union, don’t wear white trousers (fortunately not from personal experience). ! Need to ask IT about a problem?

Don’t bother, they really do not care. ! You will never again live somewhere with so many greengrocers.

Lending patriotism

C

eltic head-scratching ahoy start causing trouble.

Hardly the most constructive comfor the next couple of ments to be making on the weeks, as Wales and debate, is it?

Scotland have to decide Old Rhodders has a histowhether or not they support ry of sitting on the fence on the ol’ enemy of England in just about any topic going. the World Cup. From whether to support This may sound like a Blair and the invasion of rather minor thing, but in the Iraq, to the lecturers’ boycott minds of politicians, football (read next week’s interview seems to be perceived as a with the First Minister to chance to connect with the find out more), the fence is ‘working man’. Think very much there to be sat Gordon Brown’s revelation on. that his underwear all So why couldn’t he comes from M&S, or just keep his trap shut David Cameron’s now as well? choice of Benny Hill There was no gain to play on Desert to be made from Island Discs. making such a They’re all about BEER: Equals trouble ridiculous statement the grand political about England fans gestures, appealing making ‘trouble’. to an electorate that All it’s done is politicians appear to ignore the enormous think consists entirely efforts that the of working men’s authorities have gone clubs and bored to here to prevent housewives, flicking hooligans travelling through Bella and to the event from Pick Me Up. England, as well as It’s Rhodri reinforcing the Morgan’s turn next, impression that with Wales’s First England fans are a Minister announcing bigger problem than that while he’ll suptheir violent counterport England, he’s parts in countries such going to support their as the Netherlands. opposition if the fans

MARLEY: Big in Talybont ! Friday nights may come and go but Factory is for life. ! There isn’t a famous person alive who the Welsh won’t try and lay ownership to. My favourite from famouswelsh.com: ‘Cilla Black, one Welsh grandparent’. ! That whilst there may be departments for Japanese, Archaeology or most fantastically Astrobiology, you will never meet anyone who studies them. ! If you miss Mr Scruff now, he’ll probably be on again within the fortnight. ! Without departmental secretaries, the uni would probably collapse within 15 minutes. Now THAT’S a strike people would notice. ! That after four years here, the only Welsh words I know are for: disabled, fire exit, people of the valley, free word, Wales, Cardiff, Monmouthshire. This has, or will never hinder me in life. ! No-one really knows what the All Nations Centre or the Temple of Peace and Health actually do, but they have lovely names. ! However ropey our university may be at times, our Union beats 14 kinds of crap out of every other one in the country.

Politics

Page 10

June 5 2006

politics@gairrhydd.com

SO LONG JOHN

By Andy Rennison Political Editor

J

ust when you think things can’t get any worse, Tony Blair gives you a pat on the back. Sure, five years ago that would have been something of a morale boost. But now such a gesture is about as useful as being floored by a boa constrictor whilst in the middle of suffering a mild stroke.

John Prescott has certainly been on the cusp of political death in recent weeks. The commotion over his affair with his secretary had largely died down, only to be replaced by the uproar over the salary and perks – such as playing croquet – that Prescott continued to enjoy.

Only two prominent Labour figures have rallied behind the deputy

don't these other people just go away?” Those ‘other people’ would be those in the press and elsewhere that are criticising the government as one crisis follows another. The frustration of Ms Clwyd resembles the infantile desperation of a battleweary child, and will do nothing to abate the continuing storm.

It comes down to a simple application of common sense What may prove the real nail in the coffin for Prescott is not the uselessness of those friendly faces, but his own foolhardy arrogance since the whole matter erupted.

It comes down to a simple application of common sense. Any min-

PRESCOTT: too big for his boots PM in recent days. One is the Prime Minister himself, who is reported to have assured Prescott that they will leave office together.

That is not a reassurance; it’s an outright threat. Blair continues to face calls inside and out to stand down, as the unwelcome headlines mount up by the day.

Presumably then, Mr Prescott is less than delighted to hear that his professional fate is tied to a man under as much pressure as himself.

Blair’s support is not a reasurance; it’s an outright threat It is also slightly ironic that as deputy PM he was expected to smooth out the wrinkles when Blair moves aside for Brown, not be dragged down with Tony instead.

The other supportive voice was that of the chairwoman of the parliamentary party and Labour MP for Cynon Valley, Ann Clwyd.

Speaking up in defence of Prescott and her party as a whole, Ms Clwyd conveyed the feelings of her fellow party members.

“We elected this government.

Why don't they get on with it? Why

ister who is stripped of many of his professional responsibilities should not expect or receive the same deal he got before. The justification for the Jags and country estates was debatable already, and should now be nothing more than a closed case.

The affair with the secretary was not a fatal knock – Mr Prescott would’ve been tarnished, but had a firm enough base to have survived in the long run. It is not his sexual immorality which continues to be condemned, but his ridiculous conceit and lack of humility.

And while the man himself remains furious at the rampaging media for circling his hide, he has only himself to blame. One of the foundations that would have seen Prescott through was the image of him as a working-class man of the people. Newspaper photos of this Yorkshire commoner playing croquet on his multi-acre lawn have finally put pay to that image.

In a month, all of the deputy Prime Minister’s attributes have vanished, and all under his own steam – with a little inevitable help from the tabloids. So despite having finally given up his leafy mansion in the country, and no matter how intimate he is with his old buddy at No. 10, it’s still time for Prescott to go.

Guilty conscience

By Emily Knightley Political Correspondent

W

ith over 7,000 British troops still fighting in Iraq, many soldiers are fighting their conscience rather than the enemy as they question the legitimacy of the conflict.

In April of this year, RAF FlightLieutenant Malcolm Kendall-Smith was sentenced to eight months in prison at a court martial for refusing to serve in Iraq, because he believed the war to be illegal. He is not alone.

Last week, during a Parliamentary debate in the Commons, it was revealed that the number of ‘abscondees’ from the military has trebled since the invasion of Iraq three years ago.

John McDonnell, a Labour backbencher, was speaking out during a debate over the controversial Armed Forces Bill, which proposes life imprisonment for deserters from the British armed forces.

Unofficial figures claim that over 1,000 soldiers have left the armed forces since 2003 while official figures show that over 900 are still on the run, or absent without leave.

The problem is not confined to the British troops; the Pentagon has confirmed that more than 5,500 servicemen have deserted since the war in Iraq started. Like a generation before them who fled during the Vietnam War, many US Army and Marine personnel are heading north over the border into Canada.

However, should serving soldiers be able to choose where and whom they want to fight when they sign up to defend their country?

Political moves to toughen sanctions against conscientious objectors have been met with dismay.

Although it is standard for there to

be an Armed Forces Bill every five years so existing legislation relating to the armed forces can be updated in line with civil law, there are certain proposals within the current Bill which have caused concern, in particular the proposition to imprison deserters for life.

Such a sanction gives soldiers who question the legality of certain orders no realistic alternative than to carry them out.

‘I was following orders’ was not held to be legitimate defence at the Nuremberg Trials, so why should it be so today?

Indeed, under Principle IV of the Nuremberg Charter, which outlines procedures for War Crimes Tribunals, ‘the fact that a person acted pursuant to order of his government or of a superior does not relieve him from responsibility under international law, provided a moral choice was in fact possible to

him.’

The new proposals however render it illegal to refuse to follow an order which a soldier may consider to be morally wrong.

Since President Bush declared war on Iraq in March 2003 there have been calls for him to be indicted under the UN and Nuremberg Charters for ‘Crimes against peace’. The sections invoked state these to be the ‘planning, preparation, initiation or waging of a war of aggression or a war in violation of international treaties, agreements or assurances’.

If, in the unlikely event, those responsible were to stand trial for the war they waged on Iraq would these soldiers be exempt merely because they were following orders? It seems unlikely. And yet the British government seems intent on giving them no way out except a life behind bars.

CONDEMNED: soldiers could get life for deserting

Taf-Od

Mehefin 5 2006

Tud 11

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci yn chwalu Mae Lois Dafydd yn trafod chwaliad Gorky’s Zygotic Mycni a rydym ni’n edrych am olygydd newydd ar gyfer Taf-Od Gan Lois Dafydd Gohebydd Taf-Od YR WYTHNOS ddiwethaf cyhoeddodd un o fandiau mwyaf poblogaidd Cymru, a Phrydain, eu bod yn chwalu.

Ffurfiwyd y Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci yn 1991 pan oedd yr aelodau gwreiddiol, Euros Childs, Richard James, John Lawrence, Megan Childs ac Euros Rowlands yn Ysgol Bro Myrddin.

Ymunodd y drymiwr newydd, Pete Richardson, â’r band yn y flwyddyn 2000.

‘Hoffai Richard, Megan, Euros a Pete ddiolch i bawb a ddaeth i’r gigs ac a brynodd y recordiau dros y blynyddoedd’ yw’r neges ar eu gwefan.

Rhyddhawyd albwm cyntaf y Gorky’s, ‘Patio’, yn 1992 ar y label Ankst, y gyntaf o naw. Dros y ddegawd ddilynol tyfodd eu poblogrwydd ledled Cymru a thu hwnt gyda’u caneuon yn cael eu chwarae’n gyson ar Radio 1 yn ogystal â bod yn un o hoff fandiau’r DJ John Peel.

Dywedodd y band, ‘petawn ni wedi gwybod y ein bod ni am wneud cystal, buaswn ni wedi penderfynu ar enw gwell’. Enillodd y band boblogrwydd mewn gwledydd megis Siapan hefyd.

‘Mae’n rhaid i bopeth da ddod i ben,’ meddai Huw Stephens, DJ gydag C2 a Radio 1, ‘mae’n siomedig ond mae’r caneuon yn wych, yn gasgliad arbennig. Yn fy marn i, maen nhw’n un o’r bandiau gorau mae Prydain erioed wedi’i gynhyrchu.’

Ym mis Mawrth 2003 rhyddhaodd y band gasgliad o ugain o’u senglau cynnar ar y cryno ddisg ‘20’, ac yn ddiweddarach yn yr un flwyddyn ymddangosodd eu cryno ddisg diwethaf, sef ‘Sleep/Holiday’.

Yn ystod y blynyddoedd diwethaf mae’r aelodau wedi ymgymryd â’u prosiectau eu hunain. Ym mis Mai rhyddhaodd Richard James ei albwm ‘The Seven Sleepers Den’, a rhyddhaodd Euros Childs ei albwm cyntaf yntau, ‘Chops’, fis Chwefror eleni gan fynd ar daith i’w hyrwyddo ledled Prydain, a thu hwnt.

Bydd hefyd yn chwarae yn ngwyl Leeds a Reading, yn ogystal â’r Eisteddfod Genedlaethol dros yr haf.

Mae Euros hefyd wedi bod yn cynhyrchu caneuon y band newydd Radio Luxembourg.

Bydd tri albwm cyntaf y Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci, sef ‘Patio’, ‘Tatay’ a ‘Bwyd Time’ yn cael eu hail-ryddhau erbyn diwedd y flwyddyn.

CYMRU AM BYTH CYFRES NEWYDD: Edrych ar broblemau mawr Cymru

Gan Kathryn Harries Golygydd Taf-Od TRI CHYMRO SY’N pwyso bron i hanner tunnell rhyngddynt fydd canolbwynt rhaglen gyntaf cyfres newydd ar S4C. Bydd ‘Cymru am Byth’ yn codi'r llen ar bobl anghyffredin sy'n byw yng Nghymru, gyda phob rhaglen yn edrych ar garfan wahanol. Bydd Cymru Tew, nos Wener, 9 Mehefin yn dilyn tri sydd dros bwysau wrth iddynt frwydro yn erbyn y calorïau.

Mae Yvonne Brown yn 52 mlwydd oed ac yn gweithio rhan amser mewn banc. Yn gantores cabaret am gyfnod hir o'i bywyd mae'n cyfaddef ei bod hi wedi colli ei hunan hyder ers magu wyth stôn mewn pwysau dros y blynyddoedd.

Ond mae hi'n benderfynol o golli'r pwysau a dychwelyd i'r llwyfan.

‘Pan ddechreuais i ganu yn 17 mlwydd oed, ro'n i'n 8 stôn,’ meddai’r fam i dri o Gelli Feidw,

Abertawe. ‘Rwy'n 16 stôn erbyn hyn ac mae'n debyg mod i wedi rhoi'r rhan fwyaf o'r pwysau yna ymlaen dros y deng mlynedd diwethaf. Pan mae pethau'n mynd o chwith yn fy mywyd i dydw i ddim yn colli pwysau, dwi'n bwyta mwy.’

Dilynodd y cwmni cynhyrchu, Teledu Apollo, Yvonne i un o'i gyngyrchfannau, The Dragon Hotel yn Abertawe i'w ffilmio yn perfformio rhai o'i hoff ganeuon. Wedi iddi fod yn ôl o dan y llifoleuadau, mae Yvonne yn penderfynu ail edrych ar ei deiet.

‘Pasties a bara yw fy ngwendid,’ cyfaddefa Yvonne. ‘Rwy'n gallu bwyta i fyny at ddeng darn o fara a phedwar pastie mewn diwrnod.

Rwy'n gweithio gyferbyn â becws ac mae'n anodd gwrthod y bwyd sydd ar gael yno.

‘Dwi moyn mynd yn ôl at y canu.

Pan o'n i'n iau ro'n i'n canu mewn tafarn neu glwb bron bob nos ac wrth fy modd. Rwy'n canu unrhyw

beth, o ganeuon y 60au i hits heddiw. Mae canu yn dod â lot o bleser i fi.’

Yn y rhaglen cawn gwrdd hefyd â Glesni Wyn Woodhouse o Lansannan, Dinbych. Yn ei thridegau, mae Glesni yn anfodlon datgelu ei phwysau ond yn cyfaddef fod ganddi broblem a bod angen iddi gwtogi ar faint mae hi'n ei fwyta, yn enwedig tost, sy'n wendid mawr ganddi.

Mae Garnon Davies o Ffostrasol, ar y llaw arall, wedi colli peth pwysau ac ar ei ffordd at ei darged personol o ugain stôn. Ag yntau wedi colli pedair o'r wyth stôn ar hugain mae'r cyn aelod o Fois Y Ferwig yn defnyddio'i hiwmor ffraeth i oroesi ei or-bwysau.

Yn yr ail raglen bydd ‘Cymru am Byth’ yn edrych ar rai o bobl mwyaf cwl Cymru cyn symud ymlaen i ganolbwyntio ar rai o bobl mwyaf ariannog ac anlwcus ein gwlad.

Car Owner Drivers Required Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours Un o fandiau mwyaf poblogaidd Cymru yn chwalu

Wyt ti’n awyddus i gyfrannu at Taf-Od? RYDYM NI’N EDRYCH am fwy o ohebyddion sy’n dymuno ysgrifennu erthyglau ac adolygiadau ar gyfer tudalen Gymraeg gair rhydd.

Mae llawer o gyfleoedd i ysgrifennu am amryw bynciau a gweld eich enw mewn print! Mae swydd y golygydd yn wag hefyd, lle

bydd cyfle i fod yn gyfrifol am gwblhau’r dudalen a darllen dros yr erthyglau.

Os oes gennych chi ddiddordeb yn ymuno â’r tîm, dewch i’n gweld ni ar bedwaredd llawr yr Undeb, neu e-bostiwch : tafod@gairrhydd.com.

■ And Free Pizza!

Call: 02920 229977 for more information.

Jobs & Money

Page 12

June 5 2006

jobs@gairrhydd.com

The CV to success Whether it’s work experience, a part-time job or travelling the world, make sure it counts

By Nicola Menage Jobs & Money Editor

Job Shop

A

s the saying goes, ‘every little helps’. And, while supermarket jingles aren’t best known for their sources of life-guidance, this catchphrase certainly seems to ring true regarding employment.

As the summer months fast approach, the temptation is to kick back in the sun and forget all about work.

However, even if you just spend your months travelling or earning some pocket money at Tesco, it’s all relevant; you just need to know how to present your existing experiences in the right light.

Anna Paynton who undertook a BUNAC placement, said: “volunteering or traveling can tell employers a lot about a person and may set you apart from other applicants.

“It may help secure an interview where the applicant can answer questions related to their experience and really show employers what type of person they are.”

It is worth remembering that well-rounded individuals are what employers are after, not exam-passing machines.

Therefore, any aspect of life experience which demonstrates the learning of a certain skill could be highly relevant to employers, and should be put on your CV. What applicants should not do, however, is to simply list a

Layout of CV ! Look for clarity and simplicity. ! Don’t write in sentences; bullet points are clearer and save space. ! Highlight headings by

P/T Cust Service Advisors x 10

Ardal/Area:

Central Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

Up to £14,925 pro rata

Oriau/Hours:

Evenings and Saturdays

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Part time customer service advi sors with excellent communica tion skills required to contact customers. Hours Thu/Fri 4-8pm & Sat 9am-4.30pm.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

091

WhxSwydd/Job:

Appointment Makers (Telesales)

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£6.50 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

5-8pm

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Mortgage brokerage requires appointment makers. Applicants should have a good telephone manner, be able to sell over the telephone and not be afraid to cold call.

CVS: Yours won’t be the only one long line of achievements either on your CV or in interview, without being specific as to how they demonstrate the skills necessary for the job they are applying for.

In interview or on application forms, experts advise the use of the STAR method of discussing

Jobs & Money’s guide to writing the perfect CV THE CV (curriculum vitae) is a personal marketing tool presenting your qualifications, skills and attributes to the employer in a way that demonstrates your suitability for the job A CV has got to be accurate, interesting and up-todate. It must make a good impression, be presentable and be relevant to the needs of each particular position.

This means you should review, and when necessary revise, rather than continually re-cycle the same CV over and over again whatever the job in question is.

WhxSwydd/Job:

! ! ! ! ! !

!

!

using bold, capitals or italic fonts.

Avoid underlining. It can make the text less clear.

Legibility is crucial - the smallest font should be size 10.

Don’t make the headings too large in relation to the text.

Titles and headings never have final punctuation.

There should always be more space above a subheading than below it.

The space below a heading should be at least as large as the space between each paragraph.

Be consistent with font and size, or whether you highlight things using bold, italic or capital letters.

Don’t use too many different fonts - the effect is confusing.

aspects of a work-experience placement, for example.

STAR stands for ‘situation,’ ‘task,’ ‘action,’ ‘result.’ You describe a specific situation that occurred while on placement, then the tasks you were given, the action you decided to take and finally the result of those actions.

This is a useful way of being concise and to the point on application forms, but also helps to stop you waffling in face-to-face interviews.

You can also finish by then saying what you learnt from the experience, and how it would help you in the job role for which you are now applying.

As with many things in life, looking interested and enthusiastic is really important.

Undertaking work-experience in the first place shows this initial enthusiasm, as well as motivation, a skill employers seek.

“Without work-experience applicants fail to demonstrate any initiative or evidence of being ‘self-starters’,” comments Rebecca Sutton, progress schemes coordinator for Mitchells and Butlers.

It is important that applicants are proactive, something workexperience helps to demonstrate.

But you then have to be able to sell it in the right way.

The worst thing you can do in interview is to mumble ‘the coffee machine didn’t work,’ or ‘I just did lots of photocopying’ or

something along those lines.

As has been said, if you are enthusiastic about the job, you’re half way there. However, there are a few things worth remembering if you are to make the most of your work experience.

“If you want to save yourself a lot of head-scratching when faced with a tough application form or interview, then keep a diary,” says Gill Browns from CITB Construction Skills recruitment team.

Well rounded individuals are what employers are after, not exam-passing machines “There’s no need to go to Bridget Jones proportions, but by listing all the skills you have picked up, training you have received, difficult situations you have overcome as well as examples of teamwork and personal achievements it will make life a lot easier.”

Finally, the best advice I have ever been given is to do the things you enjoy. Although there will be aspects of any job that will be tedious and boring, don’t just do things because ‘it will look good on my CV’.

Find out what it is you really enjoy and are passionate about and the rest will be easy.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

127

Swydd/Job:

Cast Members x 10

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff Bay

Tal/Wage:

£5.05 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

3-5 shifts per week

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Cast members required for ush ering, retail & box office work.

Good communication and cus tomer service skills essential.

Shift work between 9am-1am Mon-Sun. Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

128

Swydd/Job:

University Research Manager

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff

Tal/Wage:

£9-10 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

3-5 flexible hours per week

Parhad/Duration: Oct 2006-Mar 2007 Manylion/Details: Market research company requires a University Research Manager at Cardiff University for the Times Students Survey 2006/7.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

129

UNISTAFF JOBSHOP is a great FREE service for students. We are here to help you find part-time work while you study. Work is available within the University, Students' Union as well as local companies. You can choose from one-off assignments or more regular parttime work. The Jobshop is based on the ground floor of the Students' Union (opening hours 10am-4pm MondayFriday). Tele: 029 20781535, Email: jobshop@cf.ac.uk

Media

June 5 2006

Page 13

media@gairrhydd.com

PR: Making it or breaking it?

Media chats with two Cardiff graduates who have successfully broken into the world of PR

By Laura Wootton Media Correspondent

P

ublic Relations is one of the fastest growing professions in the country and, according to its regulatory body, it ranks as one of the top three most popular career choices for UK graduates.

However, while PR is something most people are aware of, far fewer people can explain precisely what it is.

While it works alongside advertising and marketing, it is a completely different discipline altogether.

Whereas advertising involves spending money to raise awareness of a product, PR is a much more subtle way of putting a message across. It

C

ardiff graduate Justin Jefferys (22) describes his time at Cardiff as “manic, crazy but ultimately fun”. With a degree in Journalism, Film and Broadcasting, he is currently nine months into his job as a Press Assistant for Taylor Herring.

What attracted you to a career in Public Relations?

With PR there is always something different, a variety of clients, a challenge. It’s unpredictable and you’re often thrown at lots of different things Can you talk me through a typical day’s work?

I am usually in the office for 8.30am scanning through that day’s papers. Then I go onto collating press packs and cuttings. I also phone journalists pitching for interviews and pieces, I could be writing billings (synopses of TV work) and press releases. If it’s been a really busy day then I’ll leave the office about 7pm.

Although it’s long, if you’re busy you get a kick of adrenaline from work to keep you going.

What do you consider the best aspect of your job?

Always meeting new people. It sounds clichéd but it’s true. I enjoy speaking on the phone all day, going to lunches and glamorous events. The most high-profile has probably been attending the British Comedy Awards and meeting lots of people at the after show party.

Accompanying clients to press and photo shoots is fun, although that means I have to mind anything thrown at me, which often includes dogs, children and bags.

At the moment we’re working with Frank, the band from T4 programme Totally Frank. Looking after them while they get some exposure is great.

involves raising product awareness using means other than paid advertising. As such, it can be a very creative industry to work in.

Day-to-day work in PR varies greatly but centres on some key areas.

These include researching and brainstorming, writing press releases, dealing with media relations and some elements of event management; centering on news conferences, press launches and competitions.

As mentioned previously, PR is a fiercely competitive industry to get into, particularly for graduates who have to battle hard for the relatively few places available with the top consultancies. However, there are plenty of resources to help.

And the worst?

Unpredictability. Never knowing when you’re going to leave the office, being stressed out by business and then watching your social plans fall apart!

What were the steps after graduating which got you your first job?

I applied for the PR and Media Relations Postgraduate course as a back up, which meant I could be selective of jobs I actually wanted to do.

I have always had an interest in scriptwriting, and from doing TVYP, I really found a love for television. I thought PR was very corporate, but after reading about my current employers (Taylor Herring) before going to TVYP I found an area of the industry that combined both elements.

When you were at Cardiff, what aspect of student media did you get involved in? Any specific roles?

Xpress Radio. I was head of drama production, but I was pretty involved in the whole office environment up there for a couple of years.

What is your opinion on the jump between student media and industry standard? Were you well equipped ?

Definitely more equipped than those who had just worked for a big corporate company for a few weeks. Student media gives you definite skills because you have to work with realistic scenarios.

You know you’re not the only person that month to do work experience at a big company.

With Xpress we had weekly meetings with other groups of people; on the executive you are responsible for one area of the station, In my case putting out episodes of Woodville Road (Cardiff’s first radio soap).

.

1 O N E S A C C ardiff graduate Lydia Spooner (27) has successfully achieved a career as a PR consultant at Cardiff-based Warwick Emanuel PR, and talks about her journey up the career ladder in a very competitive working environment.

Having done a BA in Journalism, Film and Broadcasting at Cardiff University, she graduated in 2002 after finishing a postgraduate diploma course.

What attracted you to a career in Public Relations?

I’d worked on Xpress since my days as a fresher and had really enjoyed every element of being involved. I tried my hand at everything from organising launch parties, helping with a station relaunch and having overall responsibility for station PR, to presenting my own show for a couple of years.

To be honest it was the presenting element that I really loved but I was fully aware you have to be top of the pops to be successful in radio and I didn’t really fancy a lifetime of presenting hospital radio.

So that made me look into other areas when I was considering doing a media-related postgrad after my journalism degree. I knew that straight journalism wasn’t for me but I’d really enjoyed my PR role at Xpress so I decided to move forward with that.

Can you talk me through a typical day of work, what hours it involves, what your input is in accounts that you handle?

No day is ever the same working in a consultancy because you have so many clients to deal with. We also operate 24-hour press offices for several of our clients which means when a story breaks the phone doesn’t stop ringing and everything else is put on hold.

I’m usually in the office by about 8.45am and leave at about 6pm, but there are the occasional out-ofhours calls to deal with as Warwick Emanuel PR specialises in crisis management and running virtual press offices.

I currently manage five accounts, working for utilities and renewables companies, plus land regeneration projects.

This involves the day to day management of their PR activity – responding to press enquiries, drafting and issuing press releases and statements, devising PR plans and strategies, organising photography, attending client meetings, so there’s plenty to keep me busy.

What do you consider the best aspect of your job?

We specialise in crisis management so the best bit of my job is when something unexpected happens to one of the companies we represent and it’s literally ‘all hands to the pump’ while we deal with issuing responses to the media.

And the worst?

Knowing that once I’m involved in a couple of enquiries I’m not going to be able to get everything ticked off that day’s ‘to do’ list!

What attracted you to a Postgraduate course within the JOMEC School?

I knew that my degree alone would not be enough to enable me to go straight into a PR job – I wanted some practical experience and the Cardiff course was very highly regarded so it seemed sensible to stay here to do my postgrad.

What were the steps after doing the diploma which got you into your first job?

I’d had a work experience placement at Warwick Emanuel while on the postgrad course and the company directors approached me with a job offer just before my finals started.

What’s your best piece of advice for those wanting to get into PR? Get lots of in-house and consultancy work experience so that prospective employers can see you’ve got real enthusiasm for the job and you’re not just one of the masses who think PR is about drinking Bolly and visiting Harvey Nicks’ (or Howells in Cardiff).

What do you hope to achieve in the field of Public Relations? Do you have any specific dreams to have your own consultancy?

I certainly wouldn’t want to own my own consultancy – way too scary! I think I’d like to carve out a role for myself as a crisis management specialist and be invited to talk at lots of global conferences.

Page 14

Science & Environment

June 5 2006

science@gairrhydd.com

Laptops for every child

Science investigates the £50 laptop that you’ll never be under-privileged enough to own

By Ceri Morgan Science & Environment Editor

I

n January 2005, one man announced an initiative which had software mogul Bill Gates quivering in his boots.

The man was professor Nicholas Negroponte, and the initiative was a revolutionary program called One Child Per Laptop (OPLC).

It was an ambitious idea, a not-for profit scheme to develop a £50 laptop for the world’s poorest children.

The project is still in development, and is being funded by a number of well-known technology giants, such as Google and Canonical Ltd, with each company donating US$2million.

The aim is to provide every child in the world access to knowledge and modern forms of education.

Discussions were held with Microsoft and Apple, but Professor Negroponte decided to reject both offers, as they would tie the user to a particular operating software.

Instead he chose the free ‘open source’ Linux, where users can play around with the software, and sculpt it to suit their needs.

Brazil, Argentina, Tunisia, Egypt and Costa Rica are just a few of the countries who have initially commited to the project.

The laptops will be sold in huge numbers to governments, and distributed throughout the countries’ poorest regions through the ministries of education.

The £50 model will be full-colour with a full screen. Initially this screen will be LCD, but may later be made with electronic paper.

The laptop will be robust and, importantly, fairly unbreakable, using an innovative power source in the form of a wind-up pedal. It would also be part of a wireless internet network.

The parts that have been intentionally omitted from the computer are a hard disk drive, a CD-ROM drive, a floppy drive or a PC Card slot.

The project is being partly funded by Google, who have contributed US$2million However, its supporters argue that this means less can technically go wrong with the machine, and production would be simple, keeping costs down.

Although the project as a whole was well received in early stages, it has now been widely criticised for being unrealistic.

Marthe Dansokho, an official from Cameroon, said: “African women who do most of the work in the countryside don’t have time to sit with their children and research what crops they should still be planting; what is needed is clean water and real schools.”

Bill Gates has also mocked the project, although this may be because he is, unsurprisingly, putting his weight behind a Microsoft initiative called Windows Smartphones, as the best way to bring the Internet to the developing world.

Many critics are quick to point out the hidden costs of the project, saying that the £50 cost for each individual laptop is only a small part of the real bill.

In order for children to use the laptops, they will need to be literate, as well as being technologically capable.

Teachers will need to be trained too, but this cost will not be covered by the project. Individual

countries will have to decide how best to approach this, taking into account their often severe budget constraints.

David Archer, head of international development at the charity Action Aid, says: “Hardware represents only 20 per cent of the amount you spend on a computer over its lifetime. The rest goes on

training, technical support and repairs.

Giving away laptops forces a government to take on this expenditure rather than investing in professional teachers, textbooks and classrooms.”

Health

June 5 2006

Page 15

health@gairrhydd.com

Sweet dreams are made of this

This week, Health discovers the importance of getting a good night’s sleep

By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor

W

e spend a third of our lives doing it. Leonardo Da Vinci spent only 15 minutes doing it every four hours, around the clock. And depriving yourself of it would kill you quicker than lack of food. Sleep, and in particular prolonged, uninterrupted sleep, is vital to keeping you happy and healthy.

The irony of bringing up the issue of sleep deprivation at a time when a large majority of students are burning the midnight oil over exam revision and coursework is not lost on the Health team. However not getting enough sleep can have serious effects on your mental and physical health.

Those of you who have pulled an all-nighter will be familiar with the immediate effects of sleep deprivation; grogginess, irritability and forgetfulness being the most common. These symptoms are easily taken care of by catching up on your sleep as soon as possible, but repeated sleep deprivation, a common side-effect of being a student during the exam period, can have more serious consequences.

Research has shown that continued lack of sufficient sleep has a profound effect on the part of the brain that controls memory, language, planning and sense of time - in fact, 17 hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol level of 0.05% (two glasses of wine), the legal drink-driving limit in the UK. As well as causing hundreds of road accidents per year, lack of sleep has even said to have been a contributing factor in the Chernobyl and Challenger shuttle disasters.

Not that we’re suggesting that burn-

ing the candle at both ends will result in a nuclear disaster; but it is likely to have an effect on your overall health.

Sleep disorders such as sleep apnoea, a condition that causes excessive daytime sleepiness have been linked to high blood pressure and stress; sleep deprivation has even been linked to obesity, as many appetite suppressant hormones are released during a good night’s kip. Continued lack of a good night’s sleep is also likely to lead to problems nodding off later on.

So what exactly goes on during sleep that we can’t do without? Half an hour after dropping off to sleep, the brain starts to generate ‘delta waves’ that show the beginning of deep sleep.

Around 90 minutes after this, the period of sleep known as REM or Rapid Eye Movement begins, the period

where dreams occur.

An average person will cycle through these stages several times during a normal night. REM sleep is thought to be the most important stage, with the brain often being more active than when we are awake. The average person will have three to five REM episodes per night. The amount of sleep needed in order to stay alert and focused during waking hours differs from person to person; many people find that five hours per night is the right amount for them, others may find it difficult to rise in time for the first episode of Neighbours.

The general consensus in the medical community is that the average amount of sleep that people need is 7.75 hours per night. However, according to Jim Horne from Loughborough

University, “the amount of sleep we require is what we need not to be sleepy in the daytime”.

We’re not suggesting that a bit of burning the candle at both ends will result in a nuclear disaster If you’re finding that sleep deprivation is causing you problems (and it’s not self-inflicted!) then there are several ways of making sure you get a good night’s sleep. Making sure that you have a good sleep routine will often help, for example have a set time for

attempting to sleep and for waking up.

Keeping the bedroom for bed-related activity will also help - having lots of distractions such as TVs or computers in the room can make it difficult to drop off. If this isn’t possible, keeping your bedroom as dark, airy and tidy as possible will also help the sleep process.

Avoiding obvious things such as caffeine can help you nod off, but also make sure that exercise is kept well away from your bed-time as it may tire out your muscles but your mind will be buzzing with endorphins and adrenaline. Steer clear of alcohol as a sleep aid as well; it may seem tempting, but alcohol can make it more likely that you will wake up during the night, disturbing your sleep patterns further.

SNOOZE TO LOSE

By Lydia James Health Correspondent

G

DOZING OFF: Not a common sight at this point in the year

victoriahall Cardiff QUALITY EN-SUITE STUDENT ACCOMMODATION Wish to continue living in halls next year?

Information packs for all full time students available from January 2006 for the 2006/07 academic year and summer 2006 For an information pack

Tel: 02920 359500 email: cardiff@victoriahall.com

Blackweir Terrace Cardiff CF10 3EY Telephone: 02920 359500 website: www.victoriahall.com email: cardiff@victoriahall.com

Caretakers on site 24 hours a day Door entry system and CCTV security Television & Sky package included in each flat Fully furnished & equipped self contained flats On site management office Direct dial telephone in each flat All bedrooms have en-suite shower and toilet room Location within 5 minutes walk of Universities Laundrette on site

uess what? According to new research, you now have the perfect excuse to lie in.

Forget early morning laps around the park; sleep is the new way to lose weight; finally, a guilt free nap!

According to researchers from Ohio’s Case Western Reserve University who studied 70,000 women over 16 years, women who slept five or less hours a night were a third more likely to gain at least 15kg in weight than women who slept 7 hours or more.

The study found though that women who slept less and put on more weight were actually heavier at the start of the study even though they ate less then people who slept for longer. However, this is bad news if you thrive on less sleep and eat well and exercise because you are still likely to put on more weight then others. Why? One theory is that sleeping less means that the body has less chance to repair itself, thus resulting in fewer calories being burned off.

Researchers for the Mental Health journal, Sleep, suggest however that sleep deprivation alters the balance of hormones which control the rate at which calories are burned off.

Dr Ian Campbell, medical director of charity Weight Concern, said it might be that people who sleep less are more tired and therefore less active during the day.

However, where students are concerned, lack of sleep often does relate to increased food intake. Sleep is one of those things that students take for granted and disregard in equal measures; most student body clocks are completely out of sync; all-nighters, siestas and mega-lie ins make for a confused system and probable weight gain. Many students would admit to eating more if they have a late night due to attacks of the munchies, comfort food or alcohol-fuelled takeaways.

Therefore, for whatever reason, it is obvious that sleep is a key component in the fight against weight gain.

So go on, treat yourself to a good night’s kip. Even if weight loss doesn’t follow, you are bound to feel better.

HEALTH NEWS IN BRIEF Home abortions at record high The number of women having abortions at home has hit an all-time high, with 10,000 home procedures being carried out last year.

The British Pregnancy Advisory Service revealed that of the 32,000 procedures carried out in 2005 a third had involved abortion drugs. BPAS described the trend as a success for sexual health, but the news has drawn criticism from campaign groups.

Music can help cut pain US researchers have found that listening to music can help sufferers of chronic pain. Tests on 60 patients who had experienced years of pain found that those who listened to music experienced a

cut in pain levels of up to 21 per cent, and in associated depression of up to 25 per cent, compared to those who did not listen.

Their findings were backed up by the Journal of Advanced Nursing, who found that music helped people feel less disabled by their condition.

Health warning website launched A website set up from the Department of Health is asking the public to help choose graphic images to appear on cigarette packets from next year. Visitors to www.packwarnings.nhs.uk can choose from lungs, a dying smoker and a baby in the womb amongst other images. Evidence shows that visual warnings work better than written warnings alone.

grab!

June 5 2006

Page 17

competitions@gairrhydd.com

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WELL MY loves, June really is here and there are plenty of reasons why you should be pampering yourselves this month. For starters, exams are over. Secondly, summer is on its way (or it bloody well should be by the time you read this)... and finally... the Summer Ball is here!

Yup, it’s time to make our mams proud once again as we scrub up well for the best booze-up in the university calendar. While the thought of financing a dapper suit or dress and a posh ‘do is a little daunting, there’s no need to worry because we lovely ladies at grab! have sorted you all out once again.

We’ve brought you so many amazing prizes this year we may as well have staged our own The Price is Right and this one is nothing less than awesome. We’ve teamed up with Saks Hair and Beauty to offer one lucky reader a free colour and cut courtesy of the Cardiff salon. We’re also giving twenty runners up a £10 voucher redeemable against any hair or beauty treatment and, as if that isn’t enough, we’re also giving everybody the chance to go to the ball a beauty queen with our special 30 per cent off cut-out voucher. My, we have gone to town...

Get an extra 10% off!

It’s all very simple. Just take this voucher along to your pre-booked appointment at Saks Hair and Beauty Cardiff in June and receive a further 10% off any treatment.

And don’t forget you can still get your normal 20% NUS discount!

Yes, you could be sitting in the Cardiff salon any time soon, having your hair groomed and your talons painted, your skin steamed and any bit you choose (within reason) waxed.

Saks is not only the UK’s leading hair and beauty franchise group with an award winning international network of salons and training academies, it’s also a great place where students can spend a few wee hours maxin’ and relaxin’ while spending very few pennies.

The group’s flagship salon in Covent Garden is home to British Hairdresser of the Year Nominee 2003-2005 and resident hair expert on Channel 4’s hit make-over show 10 Years Younger, Andrew Barton, so you can rest assured that you’ll be getting a top-quality service.

Groomed by the very best in hair and beauty, the staff at the Cardiff salon offer an extensive and comprehensive range of services. Whether it’s a hair or beauty treatment you’re after, and be you man or woman (or both), you can rest assured that you’ll be pampered.

Beauty Queen

Saks Hair and Beauty Cardiff are offering all students 20 per cent off their services when they display a valid NUS card. On top of that, they’re also offering everyone a further 10 per cent off during June. So that’s 30% off - how bloody marvellous.

If you’d like to be entered in our competition to win a cut and colour at Saks or a £10 voucher, simply email us at the usual address with your name, phone number and the answer to this question: Which hit make-over show does Saks’s resident hair expert feature in?

To book a free consultation at Saks Hair and Beauty call the Cardiff salon on 029 2038 2525.

Look! Another free voucher for you jammy people!

AS THE university year draws to a close, I must solemnly declare that my time as competitions queen is almost up. Oh it has been a glorious reign, my loves, as all you sensible people who enter to win free stuff will know. But you’ve not to fret, as I have trained up two lovely new editors who are already on the phones and t’Internet seeking out the very best of competition prizes for you next year. Wish them well, my loves, and enjoy what we have left. That would be a gorgeous new hair-cut, a meal at Zushi and all the wondrous things I have in store in our special Berliner issue next week. If you like festivals and all things funky I would suggest you grab yourself a copy pronto on Monday.

WINNERS: Well done to Sunita Patel, who won the Vue Cinema competition, Jacqui Jardine, winner of VIP tickets to Educating Rita and Ffion Jones, who’s going to see Knot.

Get Loaded in the park THE AWARD-WINNING Get Loaded in the Park is heading to Coopers Field for the very first time on August 26 2006 featuring a fantastic line-up including Snow Patrol, De La Soul, Echo and The Bunnymen, and Embrace. It really is the hottest festival of the summer and we have got our hands on two pairs of VIP tickets to the event for you lucky people to win!

Indie-giants Snow Patrol are headlining the main-stage. Having supported U2 across Europe and appeared at Live8 in both Hyde Park and Scotland last year, 2006 looks set to be the year when Snow Patrol soar to even greater new heights, and the Get Loaded crowd is awaiting them with baited breath on Coopers Field. Joining Snow Patrol on the main stage will be other amazing live acts, covering all musical genres across the day.

Acclaimed singer/songwriter Badly Drawn Boy will undoubtedly draw in the crowds as he makes a special guest turn, as will Liverpool’s Echo & the Bunnymen with their inspired psychedelica and dark, swirling post-punk. The afternoon’s entertainment will be brought to life by pioneering US hip-hop hippies, De La Soul. Expect Cardiff to erupt as the famous trio unleash classic cuts like Magic Number and Me, Myself and I, while the multi-talented

(and multi-tanned) Cuban Brothers will be debuting their full eight-piece live band onto the Get Loaded crowd for the very first time.

Having reformed especially for last year’s Get Loaded shows, the Farm will be getting on the ‘groovy train’ for more baggy-magic, together with the best tribute band in the business the Complete Stone Roses! Watch out for an exclusive festival appearance from MySpace sensation Lily Allen. The honour of hosting this prestigious event is left in the (more than capable) hands of Welsh TV prankster Pritchard from Dirty Sanchez. Heaven knows what he’ll have planned for the day, but be sure that where there’s high jinks and capers, our boy Pritchard will be there. Another cult Welsh star – Howard Marks, will also be on site as he will be performing a very special ‘Audience With’ on the main stage.

For your chance to win one of two pairs of VIP tickets to the event just email your answer to the following question to our e-mail address at the top of the page: What is the name of the Dirty Sanchez lad who is hosting Get Loaded in the Park Cardiff?

If you are not lucky enough to win, tickets are available to buy now. Here's the ticket hotline numbers: Catapult: 029 2022 8990; Ticketline: 029 2023 0130; Spillers: 029 2022 4905.

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Problem Page

Page 18

June 5 2006

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: potential mental meltdown...

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners!

And now, the end is near, but then again... Then again, you are all complete bastards still sewn to your mum by your ‘outie’... You cannot imagine the stress listening to your shite has put upon me... Do you really think you have it so hard? With your small knobs and inability to give blowjobs? With your smelly feet and lack of money? Just think about it: you could be me! You could be forced to give nice replies to cunts like you. Make some room! Breakdown about to launch in ten, nine, eight... Oh, and if you do ever need help, remember to email: problempage@gairrhydd.com.

Lots of love from Amber - here for you - or something like that that is more misanthropic! xxx

Rhetorical Questions!

Dear Amber, I SAW YOU jump up. You and your friends, baby. And I heard you say they're playing a jam. (There's a jam right here, baby.) So waving your hand from side to side, sugar; here you're claiming you're a certified man. I know it might sound

strange, but I pictured us alone, and you're kissing me in ways I can't tell, no.

If my thoughts of you are true, then I wanna get with you. So I'll step in while I'm given the chance... Do you have a girlfriend?

You're looking real cool. Can I have your number? You don't have a thing to lose. Do you have a minute? What is on your mind? I was just thinking we can spend some time.

Heard a slow song. You don't

P ar se-le y!

Dear Amber, I AM ADDICTED to parsley. I love it! You know when you see an advert for, like, cat food or something, and they put a bit of parsley on the side of the dish (As if a cat’s going to eat that!)? Well, that’s what I have to do, with every meal I make, be it scrambled eggs, soup, cheese on toast or a pot noodle, I’ll find somewhere to stick that parsley!

It’s almost a sort of tic; if it’s not on the plate, I just can’t eat. It drives me mental because I can’t even prepare a meal if I know I’ve used up all my parsley, and I have to go shopping to buy some more before I can come close to eating. It also means that eating in anywhere other than the finest restaurants is out.

It’s also come to a point now where I like to have some parsley in the same room as me, as a sort of talisman if you will. And I like to have it around when I’m having sex, and please don’t ask what I do with it when I give my girlfriend oral sex.

She’s started complaining about my obsession, and I know she’s right because I even take it into the toilet with me now to ward off the evil diarrhoea demons. I know it’s a problem, but I really don’t think I can go cold turkey.

Any ideas?

Love from Basil, Flora Street.

AMBER SAYS: Dear I, Hmm, what a dilemma. I mean, some people don’t find that herbs really help their sex drive, but if you do, then please, chomp on...

Anyway, I find that parsley is very useful for freshening the breath after certain types of encounters (you know. Yes, you do. Come on... The sort a fifteenyear-old girl does then throws up... That’s it)... So masticate on!

Amber xxx

waste time, baby; and you asked me if I wanted to dance? Playing hard to get takes too long, sugar, so I told my friends that I found a man. (You're the one.) I know it might sound strange, but I pictured us alone. And you're kissing me in ways I can't tell. If my thoughts of you are true then I wanna get with you. So I'll step in while I'm given the chance. Do you have a girlfriend? (Do you have a girlfriend?)

You're looking real cool. (You're looking real cool. ) Can I have your

Plastic Fantastic!

Dear Amber, I AM WRITING to you in the hope that you’ll solve my problem. I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world.

Life in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere. Imagination, life is your creation. Come on, Barbie, let's go party! I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic.You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.

Imagination, life is your creation.

I'm a blonde single girl in the fantasy world, dress me up, take

Supermar k et Seep Part#3

NATURE: Can be naughty

Well, this was meant to be Supermarket Seep part three, but it isn’t because I have been far too busy nesting with waps that have invaded my house to even think about anything erotic that may or may not take place in Tesco Extra. I keep getting stung so it’s come to a point where I cover myself in syrup and hope they come a-buzzing... Also, there seems to be a very strange occurnace of nocturnal emissions that keep happening whenever a hornet flies by... Oh, oh no, it’s happening again...

So I thought I treat you to a picture of me. Anonymous no longer!

number? (Can I have your number?)

You don't have a thing to lose. Do you have a minute? (Do you have a minute?) What is on your mind?

(What is on your mind?)

I was just thinking. (I was just thinking.) We can spend some time. Do you, do you, do you have a girlfriend? You're looking real cool.

Do you, do you, do you have a minute? I was just thinking. Do you, do you, do you have a girlfriend. We could spend some time. Do you, do you, do you have a minute? Are you

all alone? A-ha, a-ha, I know it might sound strange, but I pictured us alone. And you're kissing me in ways I can't tell, no.

If my thoughts of you are true then I wanna get with you. So I'll step in while I'm given the chance...

Love from Billi, Florentia Street.

your time, I'm your dolly. You're my doll, rock and roll, feel the glamour and pain. Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky! You can touch, you can play. You can say I'm always yours, oooh whoa! I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere. Imagination, life is your creation. Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah! Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please; I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees. Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again hit the town, fool around, let's go party! You can touch, you can play, you can say I'm always yours.

You can touch, you can play. You can say I'm always yours. Come

on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah! I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world, life in plastic, it's fantastic!

You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere; imagination, life is your creation. I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.

Imagination, life is your creation.

Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah! Oh, I'm having so much fun! Well, Barbie, we're just getting started! Oh, I love you Ken! Love from Sindy, Rose Street.

AMBER SAYS: Dear Billi, No, I don’t have a girlfriend... Can I have your number? A xxx

AMBER SAYS: Dear Sindy, I will play then. Cheers.

A xx

Nice, aren’t I? So I suppose you’re only reading this section of the page for some free lit-erotica. I suppose I could oblige, given that you’re probably dampening the pages with your drool over that picture of me anyway...

So there was that spit roast, and that, and lots of you know, filling and sucking and whatever the hell else goes on in these situations, and then suddenly the girl said to the security guard, “You know, your cock is tiny and I can’t feel a thing” (through mouthfuls of Alex’s knob) so they stopped and had a nice sandwich and that.

The end.

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

Award-Winning Television

June 5 - 11 2006

Page 19

tvjohn@outtahere.com

This Week’s Left amongst the Leaving: June 5-11

Dandy Brandy Gets Randy With a Hand Shandy But Russell Gets Muscled Out By TV John’s Self-Congratulatory Hustle

HOT

The following things are hot: The OC, Paris Hilton, cold pizza, R Kelly, Kurt Russel B-movies, dancing on a sofa to Paul Simon, Elvis Costello’s cover of What Do I Do Now? by Sleeper, reading Kerrang! in the park, talking to ducks, ducks that talk back, bollock fishing.

Soaps You would think, that this being my last ever listings, I’d be saying ‘Sod the soaps’ and writing even more self-indulgent tripe than what’s already on the main page. Wrong! I may have got so sick of this column I’d started wielding flaming pitchfoks at TV Gareth in order to make him write this bit, but still. The show must go on.

I haven’t watched Eastenders in months. This week’s binge of Hollyoaks which say Becca’s sister call her a sick paedophile because she let Justin butter her crumpet.

Jake lost the plot even more than when the same actor’s largely unhinged character in Night and Day went spacko. Brilliant. But back in Walford, I don’t even know half the cast at the moment. Who the fuck is Deano Wicks? My copy of Mizz magazine is raving about him. Qui?

R

ussel Brand. He’s on television this week.

Plus he’s ‘doing’ Kate

Moss More importantly than even that, this is my (TV John) last ever stint at the helm of HMS TV Desk. The last time I’ll ever look at a blank front page of this section and think “what the fuck?”. The last time I’ll ever speed-type the weekly listings just to spend more time looking at jpegs of donkey porn, people having sex with snakes, and the singer from Fall Out Boy’s pathetic weiner. The last time.

Those of you cock munchers who are stupidly doing courses longer than three years, or those of you who have graduated and still find time in your repulsive lives and just can’t let go of your life as a crappy-go-lucky life as a student, who still read the gair rhydd, may remember my first ever TV column, in January 2003. I didn’t know how to use the DTP of choice (Quark) then, and I’ll be buggered before I admit to being able to use it now.

In the three and a half years I’ve been doing this, I’ve seen no less than eleven other TV writers come and go, who I’d love to thank, but I’d sooner wish I’d never have met them, as the majority of them have gone on to better things, and the others are surely going to.

While I’m cur-

Fudge Tunnel 36

rently unemployed, graduated two years ago and am so hilariously broke I’ve written to Paris Hilton in the hope she’ll lend me £12 to buy a rug. I’ve also written for TV under four different editors, and no offence to incoming editor Perri, I can’t be fucking bothered to write for another.

But still, I’m a man of my word, and I said I’d quit if I ever won an award for lifetime achievement from these bestowed corridors.

Which erm, I wasn’t ever expecting to, so I can’t carry on really because I’d be like Sting farting out acoustic live albums after winning the Go Fuck Yourself and Die award at the Brits. I’d be a pale imitation of myself, and since I’m the whitest person on Planet Earth

this side of Seth Cohen, I’d probably fade away completely.

I remember my first trip up to TV Towers, covering for Alex Macpherson because he wanted to go and see period-obsessed batty squawker Tori Amos in concert. Even that name sounds like a character from South Wales folklore, such is the time that has passed since. I didn’t have my six-inch beard, chronic addiction to R Kelly and never thought I’d accidentally get involved in international race relations and fanatical religious rioting with some ill-chosen punnery. Still, and this is probably not the best turn of phrase to end this paragraph, but it’s been a blast.

So what next? Well I’m not going to be here next week because I’m going to see the Black Heart Procession in London town. Don’t pretend you don’t care. But next year you’ll be left in the thoroughly incapable hands of TV Grace, TV Neil, TV Gareth, TV Jane and TV Ellen. Hang on, there’s six of us doing this at the moment, and I’m still made to do front page every week and end up with my head in my hands beating the wall with my fist until midnight.

I should be fed up by now, but now I shall shed a tear as I write this for the last time.

Happy Viewing x x xx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Yawwwwn. Below-average and largely boring book adaptation Memoirs of a Geisha hits the shelves of Choices, Blockbuster, Wollies, HMV and Virgin, but oh, not Silverscreen, because they fucking SHUT didn’t they? And all the staff got fucking SCREWED over by not just the compay, but all the hamfisted dickweeds in tight trousers who couldn’t keep a profit-making company afload, the bunch of disease-ridden parasitic cunt fucks.

There’s also the next installment of this years Dr Who. Perhaps the good doctor could travel back in time, and tell me not to work for fucking Silverscreen, because I’d get SCREWED by the administrators, and not received my fucking P45 through the post this morning.

Lastly, the lovely ginger David Caruso heads up the first half of the

season three CSI:Miami box set.

I’ve got a good crime for Horatio Caine to investigate. It’s not in Miami, alas, but it concerns a whole company going down the pan because it’s run by complete fucking incompetents, and big fucking self-important motherfuckers who couldn’t keep a fucking sponge afloat.

NOT

The following things are not: People who ride their fucking bikes on the pavement, people who knock wheelie bins over, being broker than a stroke broker who just broke his copy of Brokeback Mountain, Barry Venison, crap jokes with the punchline ‘Buffet the Vampire Slayer’, nearly getting bombed.

Film It’s only fitting that five have shown a red rag to a bull for my final week of TV; Hard to Kill (Monday, 11pm). Starring (of course!) Steven Seagal as police detective Mason Storm (I kid you not) who is under attack from high level corrupt assassins, and he’s out to wreak havoc-tinged revenge in no doubt violent fashion. Ace.

Sport Unless you’re a big fat fucking imbecile, you can’t have noticed that the World Cup starts this week. There are an inifinte number of wank-handed cobbled together TV tie-ins, but you’re more advised to go straight to Germany vs Costa Rica (Friday, BBC1, 4pm) Stuff those stinking Krauts, Costa Rica! Where in the world IS Costa Rica, actually?

Radio TV John had a natter with Huw Stevens (Radio 1 Tuesday, 11pm) in the toilet at All Tomorrow’s Parties the other weekend. In the international language of TV Desk, this means I can officially call him my close personal friend. Wicked, so my close personal friend Huw Stevens and his OneMusic show has one of the best bands in Britain at the moment, the Broken Family Band. Taking their cue from alt. country and witty English pop, and merging the two into one bittersweet combination. Hopefully by ‘showcase’ that doesn’t mean they’re just going to chuff out two tossy age live tracks, but hopefully there’ll be a Diamonds in the Mine, or You’re Like a Woman in there.

Monday

Page 20

June 5 - 11 2006

flu@snotfunny.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

New Tricks

Carrie

BBC1 9pm

E4 10pm

How I Met Your Mother

BBC3 11pm

ER

C4 10pm

Call 02920 229977.

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife 9:00pm Teen Terrors to Teen Angels 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Little Britain 11:00pm How I Met Your Mother 11:20pm Dog Borstal 12:20pm Body of Adolf Hitler 1:15am Not Under My Roof 2:15am Dog Borstal 3:10am Teen Terrors to Teen Angels Wowee! How time flies when you’re having fun. This is the penultimate week of gair rhyddinfused television listings, and I KNOW you’re all as sad about it as I am. I’ve arrived rather late this evening as a result of having visitors in the house, and TVs Gareth, Neil and Jane are nowhere to be seen. It’s obvious what the boys are up to, but where, oh where is TV Jane?

Answers on a postcard please.

I’m also in a rather stinking bad mood seeing as I’ve had absolutely NO sleep for the past three nights. I hate having flu...

7:00pm Small Objects of Desire 7:20pm Pay Attention Britain! Public information Films 8:00pm The World 8:30pm The Sky at Night 9:00pm Holmfirth Hollywood 10:00pm Hindle Wakes 12:00pm Holmfirth Hollywood 1:00am Every Prime Minister Needs A Willie: Or how to be a Deputy 2:00am The Sky at Night 2:30am Pay Attention Britain! Public information Films 3:10am Holmfirth Hollywood ...the skin around my nostils has actually turned to leather and I’ve given up trying to blow my nose in a polite way. ‘Snot funny.

If I blow it anymore I’m sure some segments of brain are going to come out. They probably already have. I can’t seem to remember anything from the years 1995-1999. Hmmm, something’s going on here. In local news I am ready to garotte my friend Andrew, who told me he’d spilt a ‘little’ hot chocolate on my jacket. I’ve now worn it out the house and noticed that it’s covered in manky brown stains and as soon as I got a...

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am Emmerdale 10:55am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:40am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:35pm Coronation Street 2:05pm Emmerdale 2:35pm Emmerdale 3:05pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:10pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:00pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 6:15pm Celebrity Daredevils 6:30pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 8:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 8:30pm Airline 9:00pm Filthy Homes from Hell 10:00pm Coronation Street 10:30pm The Xtra Factor: Battle of the Stars - The Finale 11:30pm Coronation Street 12:00pm The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best 1:00am Lip Service 1:30am ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am ITV Play

6:00am Big Brother Live Grace brings disgrace upon all Graces across the land. She must be stopped. RIGHT NOW. If I hear another the word ‘babe’ pass her lips one more time I will simultaniously explode and implode. What’s so amazing about her for her to merit being on Big Brother? Ability to look in the mirror for hours on end?

Argh. 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10:00pm Carrie 11:15pm Big Brother Live ... bit hot I secreted an (admittedly pleasant) chocolate odour.

I ‘spose it beats smelling like an old man. Yeah, so now I have to go and see Mr Scruff DESPITE feeling like a leather-faced, fluriddled, one-lunged corpse. ‘Tis a hard life.

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:50am Mio Mao The tale of a Chinese cat. 8:55am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Random Passage: Parts 1 and 2 3:40pm Murder or Memory?

Murder. 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Cricket on five 8:00pm Fifth Gear 9:00pm Prison Break 10:00pm Prison Break 11:00pm Hard to Kill It’d be hard to kill a hippo I’d imagine.

Or a black rhino. First you’d have to track them down, then seduce them with your wit and charm, then slip some cyanide into their cocktail. Of course I don’t condone the killing of ANY big game. I love animals. Apart from seagulls. They can go to HELL. And wasps. And flies. And fleas.

And mosquitos. And scorpions.

And Black Widow spiders. And hornets. And ants. And slugs.

And Yorkshire Terriers. And Water boatmen. And midges.

And crows. And Cadbury’s animal biscuits. And magpies. I love animals really.

12:50pm NHL Ice Hockey 3:30am NASCAR NEXTEL Cup 4:20am USPGA Golf 5:10am Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing He is the very model of a modern major general. TV John sings HMS Pinafore.

PRIME-

6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:30am Big Brother 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Sweet Sixteen You know what, I can hardly remember being 16. I might be trying to forget, but it really does escape my fuzzled memory. I must have been taking my GCSEs. I seem to recall writing the physics formulas in pencil on my calculator, but don’t tell anyone. And I had stupid short Posh Spice hair. You know when it was fashionable to have it all spiky at the back? I wore a white trouser suit with a gold corset to my brother’s wedding and my sister kept calling me ‘fat lesbian Elvis’. And in return I kept calling her ‘Brian Molko’. That’s about all I can remember about being sixteen. 10:20am A-Z of Your Head 11:10am My Crazy Life 11:35am Hardeep Does Race 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm In Your Dreams 1:10pm An Ideal Husband 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm God's Next Army 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm ER 11:05pm Big Brother's Big Brain 11:35pm Desperate Housewives 12:35pm Lost Souls 2:15am Big Brother Live 4:00am Jamaica 4:15am Jamaica 4:30am Jamaica 4:45am Jamaica 5:00am Jamaica 5:15am Dottie and Buzz 5:25am Dottie and Buzz 5:35am Dottie and Buzz

PRIMETIME

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today Here’s a piece of advice for you: Don’t EVER appear on GMTV. It’s such an anticlimax. It’s hard, thankless work and nobody even watches it. I speak from experience here. 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve Oh no! My rhyming obsession is coming back with a vengeance... Here’s a poem about the union: The Union is big and full of stuff, Often frequented by Mr Scruff.

Go to Rubber Duck if you want some muff, I’m going to stop now, I’ve had enough.

Sorry, that was bad. Obviously I mean bad as in phat, bitchin’, rad, smokin’ and the like. Not bad as in rubbish, terrible, dire, horrible, painful or godawful.

3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:40pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm Loose @ 5.30 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Wales This Week 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Supernatural 12:00pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4:10am I Want That House 4:35am I Want That House 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News Thankyou and goodnight.

PRIMETIME

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:05am Dennis the Menace 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 9:00am Underground Ernie 9:15am Bob the Builder 9:30am Boogie Beebies 9:45am Springwatch 10:30am English Express 10:50am English Express 11:10am Focus 11:30am Instrument Tales 11:45am Instrument Tales 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Watch 1:15pm Watch 1:30pm One Good Turn When you turn towards the shopkeeper and ask for one of their finest cuban cigars. They add class to a refined lady or gentleman. 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm The Urban Chef 7:00pm Mario Lanza: Singing to the Gods 8:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00pm Dead Ringers 9:30pm Feel the Force 10:00pm Have I Got News for You 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Tory! Tory! Tory!

12:20pm Joins BBC News 24 1:00am BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel:Talk German 1-6 2:30am Germany Inside Out 1-5 5:00am Work Talk: Germany Serious question time: a while ago I made the fatal error of being adamant that Aswad were white. I was obviously wrong, but I do recall a similar act from around the same time period consisting of two dreadlocked white men in silly kaftans.

It’s been bugging me for aeons now and I’d really like to know their name. If you think you know, please write in to the gair rhydd and I’ll reward you with a sherbert dibdab. Thanks, G xxxxxxxxxx

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Britain's Streets of Debt Harriet Street features this week. TV Grace discusses her debt nightmare. 10:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:00am Escape to the Country 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Diagnosis Murder 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Chucklevision 3:40pm Maya and Miguel 4:05pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm The Story of Tracy Beaker 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm A Question of Sport: World Cup Special 7:30pm X Ray 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm DIY SOS 9:00pm New Tricks 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm You Can't Fire Me I'm Famous 11:15pm Kelly's Heroes Hmm... which Kelly would this be? If it’s Kelly Holmes then it’ll be B-O-R-IN-G sports “heroes” like Rodger Bannister and Steve Redgrave. If it’s Kelly Jones it’ll be even more boring Welsh “heroes” like Tom Jones, Manic Street Preachers and erm, Catatonia. Ew. If it’s Kelly Brook then it’ll be Billy Zane and.. Billy Zane. Oh, and Billy Zane. 1:40am Sign Zone:Shipwreck Ark Royal 2:40am Sign Zone:Save Lullingstone Castle 3:10am Sign Zone:Return to Tuscany 3:40am Sign Zone:DIY SOS 4:10am Sign Zone:Found 4:55am Joins BBC News 24

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother's Little Brother 8:30am Big Brother 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Sweet Sixteen 10:20am A-Z of Your Head 11:10am My Crazy Life 11:35am Hardeep Does Race 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Dwdlam 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Mr Men 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Tecwyn y Tractor 1:15pm House Auction 1:45pm Deal or No Deal 2:30pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant (4.005.00):Medabots 4:25pm Peldroedio 4:50pm Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Cystadleuaeth I Gantorion Cymreig 10:30pm Big Brother 11:35pm Big Brother's Big Brain 12:05pm Wife Swap 1:05am Feeder: Singled Out 1:40am Razorlight Live 2:15am Big Brother Live 2:45am The Model, The Poster and Three

Tuesday

June 5 - 11 2006

Page 21

karlkennedy@gairrhyddhaemorrhage.OMG

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters Never Mind The Full Stops BBC4 2.30am

The Queen At 80

BBC2 2.00pm

99 Ways To Lose Your Virginity C4 10.20am

Mio Mao

five 8.50am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:35pm Airline 2:05pm Coronation Street 2:35pm Emmerdale 3:05pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:10pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:00pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Staff from Hell 9:00pm National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 11:00pm Supernatural 12:00pm The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best 1:35am ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am ITV Play: Playalong This is what TV Gareth has been playing along to this week. Arab Strap, Co-op veggie lasagne, Pro Evo Master League, Iron Bru, Kirstin White and that eternal sense of impending doom.

6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People 7:00am B4 7:25am BBLB 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder: People in Order 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Sweet Sixteen 10:20am 99 Ways to Lose your Virginity It’s still the morning for fuck’s sake!!

11:10am My Crazy Life 11:35am Hardeep Does Family 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm In Your Dreams 1:10pm Appointment in London 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm Honey I Ruined the House 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Sven: The Coach, the Cash and His Lovers Have you seen the adverts for this? They’re quite entertaining aren’t they? The other day I semi-convinced someone that the scenes were real CCTV footage. I say semi-convinced, she didn’t believe me at all, but I think that she believed that I believed it was true, which any good liar will tell you, is often as good.

11:05pm Bodyshock 12:10pm Sugar Rush Ginger Lesbo thriller starring Olivia Hallinan, who by my reckoning, is a bit of a fox.

She fills my criteria of a) not being deformed and b) not being fancied by my housemates.

12:40pm Sugar Rush 1:15am Big Brother's Big Mouth 1:45am Big Brother Live 3:35am With or Without You 5:10am Countdown 5:55am The Hoobs

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:50am Mio Mao 8:55am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:35pm Random Passage: Parts 7 and 8 3:30pm The Longest Hundred Miles 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Hidden Treasure Houses This is a big deal for five as I’m sure you’ll agree that Hidden Treasure Houses is infinitely better than Discovering Welsh Houses. You might have the world cup and most other half decent on telly, but fuck you BBC, we have TREASURE!!

8:00pm Bride and Grooming 9:00pm House 10:00pm Grey's Anatomy 11:00pm Suburban Shootout 11:30pm Swinging Special: Patty Edwards, S*x Therapist 12:00pm UEFA Under-21's Championship 12:55pm UEFA Under-21s Championship I think this is a good metaphor for channel five in the great scheme of telly things. While BBC and ITV are moistening for the World Cup five brings out the big guns and shows us coverage of people younger than us playing football. Well woop-de-doo!! 2:35am UEFA Under-21's Championship

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

E M I T E M I R

7:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Samuel Johnson Prize 2006: The Contenders 9:00pm Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 10:00pm The League of Gentlemen 10:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops 11:00pm The House of Chanel 11:30pm Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 12:30pm Samuel Johnson Prize 2006: The Contenders 1:00am You Have My Full Confidence 2:00am MPs on the Box 2:30am Never Mind the Full Stops 3:00am Paul Merton's Silent Clowns Oh good, something to write about. Alan Fletcher AKA. Karl Kennedy of Neighbours fame was just outside on the balcony. He asked if he could have his picture taken with me, and then before I knew it half of gair rhydd and X-press radio had crowded round me and they ALL wanted to have a snap shot taken with me. It was all a bit too much fuss to be honest.

He said he’s playing a gig tonight, so I wondered if he was in Help She Can’t Swim. But I don’t think he is. Did you go see them too? Wicked Sticks.

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:40pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm Loose @ 5.30 This program is exactly as bad as Loose Women. I worked it out using complex mathematical equations. Like this: twice as bad divided by half the length = stalemate.

6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Kenny Everett Must See TV 8:00pm The Bill 9:00pm The Kindness of Strangers 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Big Den's World Cup Adventure 11:30pm Police, Camera, Action! 12:00pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:10am Britain's Best Back Gardens I’d never put much effort into a back garden.

Because if it was amazing I’d just want to show it off, and I’d be gutted that it wasn’t at the front. That’s why my back garden is a big pile of shitty concrete.

Also it’s like that because it’s good for my housemate Alex “Alex Ramsay” Ramsay to drive his monster truck around on. He once said “I was playing with my monster truck earlier, and I got a bit of a boner”. Fact. 4:35am Moving Day 5:00am ITV Nightscreen

P R I M E T I M E

7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife 9:00pm Booze Bird: Mischief 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Wedding Stories: Tantrums and Tiaras It’s this sort of programme that gives me nightmares about TV Neil and I getting married.

Though obviously it won’t be a ‘marriage’ as such, it’ll be more of a civil partnership or whatever they fob us off with. We often argue about tiaras. Because thing is, we both want to be the bride. I want to wear a pretty flowing gown and Neil always looks so manly with his gangly frame and pointy joints, so he’d look so handsome in a nice bespoke suit. 11:30pm World Cup Goals Galore 1:00am Trauma Uncut 1:30am Trauma Uncut I think if you were in trauma and then GOT cut, it would be even more traumatic. I like how they’ve left the door open for a sequel there.2:00am The Body of JFK For one beautiful moment i read that as “The Body of Jay Kay”. 2:55am Wedding Stories: Tantrums and Tiaras

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:05am Dennis the Menace 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 9:00am Underground Ernie 9:15am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:30am Boogie Beebies 9:45am Springwatch 10:30am Watch 10:45am Watch 11:00am Watch 11:15am Watch 11:30am Pathways of Belief: Islam 11:45am Pathways of Belief: Islam 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Trading Up 1:30pm Garden Invaders 2:00pm The Queen at 80 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Flog It! 6:30pm The Urban Chef Tim Westwood presents this new show, highlighting all the favourite potato chips and candy bars of all his homies... in their cribs... maybe with a ho.

7:00pm Fawlty Towers 7:30pm Discovering Welsh Houses I wish I had this idea. I live on a street FULL of houses. At least enough for two series worth. And they’re all in Wales. Gutted.

8:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00pm Horizon 9:50pm What the Ancients Did for Us Five pound WH Smith voucher every Christmas, ie not enough.

10:00pm Mastermind 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm The Smoking Room Jez from Peep Show innit. He dances EXACTLY like TV Grace.

11:50pm Dragon's Den 12:20pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Science in Action 4:00am Science

P

PRIMETIME

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Britain's Streets of Debt 10:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:00am Escape to the Country 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Diagnosis Murder 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision 3:40pm Maya and Miguel 4:05pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm The Story of Tracy Beaker 5:00pm Totally Doctor Who Fashion show. Basically Reggie from CBBC and that gil with the red hair who does Stitch Up present a show where speccy little twats get dressed up in the garb of their favourite Doctor Who. Cue camera shot as Nerdy Fuckwit is unveiled infront of the mirror and the amazed presenters squeal, “Oh my, you look amazing, that’s TOTALLY DOCTOR WHO!!” 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours Karl Nennedy in “OMG TV Gareth” shocker. See BBC 4.

6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Holiday Hit Squad 7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm New Street Law 9:00pm Sport Relief Goes...

All Out for India I don’t know what this means.

10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Dragon's Eye 11:05pm Question Time 12:05pm This Week 1:05am Sign Zone:The Lost World of Friese-Greene 2:05am Sign Zone:Grumpy Old Men 2:35am Eating with... 3:05am Sign Zone:Return to Tuscany 3:35am Sign Zone:Found 4:20am Joins BBC News 24

6:00am Big Brother Live I’ve not seen much. So I can’t offer you the dazzling insight you are used to with me. All I will say is: that Nikki is a vacuous cunt and I wish to see her pounded by eskimos while trying to steal their fish. If you can sort it out that’d be awesome. 2:55pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 10:30pm My Name Is Earl 11:00pm Big Brother Live This is a public service announcement from TV Gareth on behalf of official TV Desk band, Los Campesinos!... we have gigs at these dates and places, it’d be lovely to see you: Tuesday June 6 - Clwb Ifor Bach, Friday June 9 - Dempseys, Friday June 16 - Barfly. For more information and pictures of our faces please refer to: www.myspace.com/ loscampesinos. Cool Beans.

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother's Little Brother 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder: People in Order 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Sweet Sixteen 10:20am 99 Ways to Lose your Virginity 11:10am My Crazy Life 11:35am Hardeep Does Family 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Dwdlam 12:45am Planed Plant Bach: Bryn Seren 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Ari Awyren 1:15pm House Auction 1:45pm Deal or No Deal 2:30pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Mama Mia 4:25pm Spider-Man 4:45pm Tisio Prisio 4:50pm Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Clwb Garddio 9:00pm Cymru o'r Awyr 9:10pm Tipyn O Stad 10:10pm Big Brother 11:15pm Ralio 12:15pm Sven: The Coach, the Cash and His Lovers 1:15am Comedy Lab 1:45am Big Brother Live 2:45am Oleanna

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

Wednesday

Page 22

June 5 - 11 2006

regurgitated@bollocks.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Flog It!

TOTP2: World Cup Special

BBC2 6pm

BBC2 7.30pm

The Kindness of Strangers

ITV1 9 pm

BrainTeaser

five 12.30pm

Call 02920 229977.

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids They probably deserve it anyway. It’ll stop them from becoming criminals. 8:00pm Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife 9:00pm Outtakes: World Leaders Watch Tony Blair fall over and George Bush say something silly. LOL! 9:30pm Three's Outtakes 10:00pm LA Confidential Good film.

12:15pm Grown Ups 12:45pm Teen Terrors to Teen Angels Loads of either: a. little shits or b. whiney geeks. A lesson on stereotypes with TV Neil.

1:40am The Body of Marilyn Monroe 2:40am Not Under My Roof Ooh the possibilities are endless. I remember when I was about 10, my dad told me there’d be no dirty magazines under his roof. I was only 10 for fuck’s sake. It was only a year later, however, when me and my friend Craig bought the Daily Sport as a dare. My dad never found out. God knows what he’d have said if he did. He’d probably have confiscated it. Another confiscation experience I’ve had was the time that... 3:35am Grown Ups

R

7:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Samuel Johnson Prize 2006: The Contenders 9:00pm Shepperton Babylon 10:00pm Stan 11:00pm Spiral 11:50pm Samuel Johnson Prize 2006: The Contenders 12:20pm Shepperton Babylon 1:20am Gay MPs: Pride and Prejudice in Politics 2:10am Stan Is this a spin-off from South Park?

3:10am Shepperton Babylon Me, Phil and Ben were about 15 and ordered a chippy take-away.

We weren’t old enough to buy cigarettes so we asked the people at the chippy to pick us up 20 No.1s on the way to my house. They did and we smoked a few. I left the receipt out and my mum found it and shouted a bit. My dad confiscated the fags and smoked them himself. I still smoke so the joke’s on them.

Sometimes TV Gareth tries to smoke. This is hilarious as he almost dies in the process of coughing his guts up. He insists on trying though. Lame-o. TV Neil says smoking is cool. It’s the only way to get true friends.

Argh.

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:35pm Airline 2:05pm Coronation Street 2:35pm Emmerdale 3:05pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:10pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:00pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Flash Families 9:00pm David Beckham: A Footballer's Story 10:00pm The Truth about Referees 10:45pm Coronation Street 11:15pm Sure Fans United 12:15pm The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best 1:15am ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am ITV Play: Playalong We don’t have the listings for ITV3, but if we did I’d be biggin’up the re-runs of Due South.

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am The Treacle People 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother's Little Brother 7:55am Big Brother Big Brother is fucking everywhere. It’s like shit in a field. When will it stop?

It’s hard to imagine it not being on TV. 8:55am Frasier 9:20am Grudge Match 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show Better not learn anything from this or you’ll end up dead. 9:55am Sweet Sixteen 10:20am The Cutting Club 11:10am My Crazy Life Sex, drugs and cock and roll. 11:35am Hardeep Does Religion 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm Supporting Acts Los Campesinos! at Welsh Club on Tuesday and at Dempsey’s on Friday. 1:20pm The Silver Fleet 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder Two pump chump, one touch wonder.

8:00pm 10 Years Younger Bikini Special I’m a big fan of bikini’s. Sexist pig.

9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Desperate Housewives 11:05pm Sex in the 80s Was sex different then? Did I miss anything? I didn’t have sex in the 90s either. Shit. What should I do? I’m thinking about sex now, goddamit.

12:05pm Sugar Rush Can you have sex on a sugar rush?

Maybe they did this in the 80s.

I’ll never know what I might have missed. 12:35pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 1:10am Big Brother Live 4:15am Trans World Sport 5:10am Countdown 5:55am The Hoobs

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show Watch big JK slag people off 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve Whilst standing still 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series Bring back the real Mr Bean. 3:40pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz Cuntz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm Loose @ 5.30 Loose? Loose bowels? What a mess.

6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm The Bill 9:00pm The Kindness of Strangers I was always told not to speak to strangers.

Now we’re being told that strangers are kind. I might go and get myself abducted.

10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm World Cup 06: The Final Countdown Everyone has gone World Cup Krazy. it’s an excuse to sit in the pub, get drunk and cause a riot. That’s what I’m going to do. It’s thug time. Incidentally, there’s 8 days, 1 hr and 13 minutes to go.

12:00pm ITV Play: The Mint 2:45am British Touring Car Championship I’m glad this is on when I’m in bed. Otherwise I might end up watching it.

Actually I won’t be in bed. I’ll probably be drunk and unable to focus. 4:05am The Jeremy Kyle Show 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News

6:00am Big Brother Live 2:55pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 9:30pm Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 10:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 10:30pm Big Brother Live 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00pm Big Brother Live Where's the paper bag that holds the liquor? Just in case I feel the need to puke.

If we'd known what it'd take to get here, Would we have chosen to? So you wanna build an altar on a summer night, You wanna smoke the gel off a fentanyl patch. Aintcha heard the news?

Adam and Eve were Jews. And I always loved you to the max.

I love you to the max.

If it gets really really bad, if it ever gets really really bad...

Let's not kid ourselves. It gets really really bad.

Punks in the beerlight, burnouts in love.

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends I said it last week, but I’ll say it again this week. These programmes have the shittest titles ever. I have no desire to watch them. Save them for the special kids. 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:50am Mio Mao 8:55am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30pm BrainTeaser Shock therapy 1:40pm Random Passage: Parts 5 and 6 3:40pm Jake Lassiter: Justice on the Bayou You better believe it, bitch.

5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men If two and a half men take 45 minutes to dig a hole, how long does it take 4 men to dig half a hole?

7:00pm five news 7:15pm Dangerman Adventures A bloke climbing onto a very slippy three storey roof at a party after downing half a bottle of wine, falling 9ft onto his face and not dying.

8:00pm When M&S Lost its Billions: Revealed Where was St. Michael then eh?

9:00pm World Cup Wonder Goal Of All Time 8 days and 37 minutes to go.

11:05pm Bad Boys of Comedy 12:10pm PartyPoker.com Football and Poker Legends World Cup 1:40am NHL Ice Hockey 4:10am Boxing: Fight of the Week 4:50am UEFA Under-21's Championship

P R I M E T I M E

I

M

E

T

I

M

E

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:05am Dennis the Menace Little shit. 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 9:00am Underground Ernie 9:15am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:30am Boogie Beebies 9:45am Springwatch 10:30am Horizon: King Solomon's Tablet of Stone 11:20am Hands on Nature Let’s get naked. 11:30am am.pm 1:00pm Trading Up 1:30pm Working Lunch I thought luck was traditionally between 12 and 1. If this is the case, people are going to miss this. But wait, if you’re working through your lunch you won’t be watching TV. What’s the point of this then?2:00pm Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum Nursing home 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Flog It! Flog what? A dead horse? My ass? Your ass? An old three-piece suite? Fuck knows.

6:30pm The Urban Chef Glorified MaccieDs 7:00pm The Happiness Formula Cigarettes.

7:30pm Top of the Pops 2: World Cup Special No.5 Vindaloo, No.4 World in Motion, No. 3 Fog on the Tyne (not a world cup song, but it should have been), No. 2 Three Lions (Baddiel and Skinner remix), No.1 Three Lions (Lightning Seeds) 8:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00pm The Monastery Revisited Monks, sandstone, monks, sandstone and God. 10:00pm Room 101 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Underground Britain WORD UP! 12:00pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Science in Action 4:00am Science in Action

P

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Britain's Streets of Debt 10:00am Homes under the Hammer I made the broken homes joke last week, bit I quite like it so I’m referring to it again.

I’m probably going to regurgitate most of the crap I wrote last week anyway so get used to it.

11:00am Escape to the Country WW2 documentary. Probably.

11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic Get a job.1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Diagnosis Murder Bring back Monk innit.

3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40pm Maya and Miguel 4:05pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm The Story of Tracy Beaker 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm A Question of Sport: World Cup Special 7:30pm Schools Out HA! Some people still go to school. Losers.

8:00pm Holby City 9:00pm Sport Relief Goes...

All Out for India 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40pm ONE Life 11:25pm Anywhere but Here 1:15am Sign Zone:The Crusaders' Lost Fort 2:05am Sign Zone:The Curious House Guest 2:35am Sign Zone:Super Vets 3:05am Sign Zone:Grumpy Old Men 3:35am Sign Zone:Return to Tuscany 4:05am Sign Zone:Found 4:50am Joins BBC news 24

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother's Little Brother 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier 9:20am Grudge Match 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Sweet Sixteen 10:20am The Cutting Club 11:10am My Crazy Life 11:35am Hardeep Does Religion 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Dwdlam 12:45am Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 12:50am Sali Mali 1:00pm Byd Bach Bedwyr 1:15pm House Auction 1:45pm Deal or No Deal 2:30pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Code Lyoko 4:25pm Clwb Winx 4:50pm Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Dudley 9:00pm Byd o Liw 9:30pm Theatr Genedlaethol Cymru 10:00pm Big Brother 11:00pm Lost 12:00pm Desperate Housewives 1:00am Comedy Lab 1:25am Big Brother Live 2:45am Light and Movement

Thursday

June 5 - 11 2006

Page 23

bestpicturesever@tvdesk.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters Stan

Stan

BBC4 9.00pm

BBC4 12.20am

Stan

Stan

BBC4 3.20am

BBC4 4.37am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:50am Mio Mao 8:55am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Random Passage: Parts 3 and 4 3:40pm Abandoned and Deceived 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Cricket on five 8:00pm Property Developing Abroad 9:00pm CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10:00pm CSI: Miami 11:00pm Prison Break 12:00pm Prison Break 1:00am ITU World Cup Triathlon 1:50am UEFA Under-21's Championship So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ, So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ, So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ. And the blessings will come down. The blessings will come down as the prayers group, The blessings will come down as the prayers go up The blessings will come down as the prayers go up and you’ll grow and grow and grow. So, basically, be careful and be sure you really want that house by the sea. Also please accept those words of our Lord Jesus Christ by means of an apology for TV John printing satanic verse last week. 3:30am UEFA Under-21s Championship 5:10am Race and Rally UK

PRIMETIME

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am The Treacle People 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier 9:20am Supporting Acts 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Sweet Sixteen 10:20am Adopt Me - I'm a Teenager 11:10am My Crazy Life 11:35am Hardeep Does Sex 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm Checking Into History 1:15pm The Divorce of Lady X 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm Location, Location, Location 8:30pm Turn Back Your Body Clock 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Lost 11:00pm Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere 11:35pm The Curse of The Omen 12:35pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 1:10am Big Brother Live 4:00am Dottie and Buzz 4:10am All Change 4:30am All Change the floods came up, the rain came down and the floods went up. And the house on the sand went SMASH! The really foolish man built his house upon the shit, the really foolish man built his house upon the shit, the really foolish man built his house upon the shit. The rains came down and the floods went up, the rains came down and the floods came up, the rain came down and the floods went up. And the house on the shit went “BUMMER”! 4:50am All Change 5:10am All Change 5:30am All Change 5:50am Making It 5:55am Making

PRIMETIME

7:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops 9:00pm Stan Stan Boardman, Stan Ridgeway, Stan Matthews, Stan Collymore, Stan The Man, Stan Dardlamp, Accrington Stan Lee, Stan Dup, Stan Doff, Stan Za, Stan Laurel, Stan Ridler, Stan Dup If You Hate Man U, Stan Kofshit, Stan A. Stairlift, Stan from that Eminem song. 10:00pm Living with Modernism 10:30pm Piccadilly 12:20pm Stan Repeat. Stan Boardman, Stan Ridgeway, Stan Matthews, Stan Collymore, Stan The Man, Stan Dardlamp, Accrington Stan Lee, Stan Dup, Stan Doff, Stan Za, Stan Laurel, Stan Ridler, Stan Dup If You Hate Man U, Stan Kofshit, Stan A. Stairlift, Stan from that Eminem song.1:20am Tired and Emotional 2:20am Never Mind the Full Stops 2:50am Living with Modernism 3:20am Stan Repeat. Stan Boardman, Stan Ridgeway, Stan Matthews, Stan Collymore, Stan The Man, Stan Dardlamp, Accrington Stan Lee, Stan Dup, Stan Doff, Stan Za,

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:40pm SpongeBob SquarePants 3:50pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm Loose @ 5.30 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm The Avengers Must See TV 8:00pm Honeymoons from Hell 9:00pm Britain's Biggest Spenders 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm My Breasts Or My Life 12:00pm Motorsport UK 12:45pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am Mum's on Strike 4:35am I Want That House by the Sea Word of warning: The wise man built his house upon the rock, the wise man built his house upon the rock, The wise man built his house upon the rock and the rains came tumbling down. The rains came down and the floods went up, the rains came down and the floods came up, the rains came down and the floods went up and the house on the rock stood FIRM! The foolish man built his house upon the sand, the foolish man built his house upon the sand, the foolish man built his house upon the sand. The rains came down and the floods went up, the rains came down and 5:00am ITV Nightscreen

PRIMETIME

7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife 9:00pm Little Britain 9:30pm Grown Ups 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Three's Outtakes 11:00pm Ideal 11:30pm Man Stroke Woman 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. 12:00pm The Message 12:30pm Not Under My Roof 1:30am Grown Ups 2:00am Ideal 2:30am Man Stroke Woman 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood.

Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

3:00am The Message Broken glass everywhere, people pissing on the stage you know they just don’t care... The bill collectors ring my phone, and scare my wife I’m not home. Got a bum education, double digit inflation, can’t train to my job there’s a strike at the station. 3:30am The Real Hustle

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:05am Dennis the Menace 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 9:00am Underground Ernie 9:15am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:30am Boogie Beebies 9:45am Springwatch 10:30am Megamaths 8492847 x 984278 - 8902849 + 8498137+7489237473264738 264723864327864283765783 - 424824874 = ??10:50am Megamaths 7823785983958923 + 89024426479 - 87238974 +984029489 = ???11:10am Horizon 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Science Clips 1:10pm Science Clips 1:20pm Science Clips 1:30pm How to Be a Gardener Revisited 2:00pm am.pm 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm The Urban Chef 7:00pm Top Gear 8:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00pm Five Disasters Waiting to Happen 1.

England’s World Cup Campaign 2. Someone had put a bottle of white spirit next to an identically shaped bottle of water at TV John’s work 3. TV Gareth’s exam results 4. TV John spending an hour and 45 minutes commuting to and from work each day 5. The Berliner.

10:00pm Tittybangbang Best Bits Cum-shot.

10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm England Away 12:00pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Science in Action 4:00am Science in Action

P R I M E T I M E

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Britain's Streets of Debt 10:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:00am Escape to the Country 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Diagnosis Murder 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision 3:40pm Maya and Miguel 4:05pm Mona the Vampire 4:30pm The Story of Tracy Beaker 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm A Question of Sport: World Cup Special 7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm Holby City 9:00pm A Life of Grime Sucking shit out of drains.

9:30pm Traffic Cops 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Week In, Week Out 11:05pm Imagine... The Ingenious Thomas Heatherwick Groundbreaking BBC show where viewers are challenged to imagine a man to life.

12:05pm Medium 12:50pm Legalese 2:40am Sign Zone:Holidays in... Euroland 3:10am Sign Zone:A Life of Grime 3:40am Sign Zone:Return to Tuscany 4:10am Sign Zone:Found I saw a sign version of music television. I just thought they were rapping. For more on rapping, see below, with TV Neil aka.

Grandmaster Gash. 4:55am Joins BBC News 24

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:35pm Airline 2:05pm Coronation Street 2:35pm Emmerdale 3:05pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:10pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:00pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 6:15pm Pop the Question 6:30pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 8:00pm The Xtra Factor: Battle of the Stars - The Finale 9:00pm Full Length and Fabulous: The Beckhams' World Cup Party 10:30pm Footie, Bling and Babes: Celebrities Exposed Here’s a tip-off: www.celebsdb.com .11:30pm Sure Fans United 12:00pm The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best 1:00am ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am ITV Play: Playalong

6:00am Big Brother Live 2:25pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 2:55pm Big Brother 3:55pm Big Brother's Big Brain 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm The OC 10:00pm Big Brother's Big Mouth TV Neil says, if he was on Big Brother he would be like... “Well good. I wouldn’t act like a cunt, actually I might. I would get my cock out all the time for the ladies. I’d be up for a party all the time, because if it’s Neil time, it’s par-tay time. I’d be showing everyone my rad moves. Not just dance moves.

Also some sex moves. Like that one where you massage balls with your elbows. But I wouldn’t be doing that, ‘cause I’d be with the ladies like. In their pants. Or knickers rather. ‘cause I’m not gay. innit. issit? innit”. Buy him lots of Kit Kats then you worthless flids, and get him in.

10:30pm Big Brother Live 11:00pm Lost 12:00pm Big Brother Live

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier 9:20am Supporting Acts 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Sweet Sixteen 10:20am Adopt Me - I'm a Teenager 11:10am My Crazy Life 11:35am Hardeep Does Sex 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Dwdlam 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Bobinogi 1:00pm Ribidires 1:15pm House Auction 1:45pm Deal or No Deal 2:30pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Anifail am Wythnos 4:20pm Martin Mellten 4:40pm Wap! 4:50pm Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm The Simpsons 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Y Byd ar Bedwar 9:00pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10:00pm Big Brother 11:00pm ER 12:00pm Turn Back Your Body Clock 12:30pm Turn Back Your Body Clock 1:00am Comedy Lab 1:30am Big Brother Live

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

Friday

Page 24

June 5 - 11 2006

yourmum@ontoast.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Puppet on a Chain

Lazytown

BBC1 12.20pm

BBC2 8.30am

Sweet Sixteen

C4 9.55am

My Crazy Life

C4 11.10am

Call 02920 229977.

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids Every single night on BBC3 they are fucking killing the kids.

8:00pm Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife 9:00pm Doctor Who 9:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Grown Ups Love whining about their kids. “Oh I dont know what to do about little Johnnys heroin addiction” 11:00pm The Real Hustle 11:30pm The Mighty Boosh An ode to Noel Fielding aka Vince Noir Oh Noel you are so fit Even though you dress like a tit Your cockney ways seduce me I would like to make you tea And slip some rohypnol into it then tough your naughty bits 12:00pm Man Stroke Woman a biasexuals dream 12:30pm Spendaholics 1:25am Grown Ups 1:55am Ideal 2:25am The Real Hustle 2:55am Anthea Turner: The Perfect Housewife Ode To Anthea Turner Just die already will you?

Dont make me hunt you down with a rusty scapel.

Not really an ode, more of a threat.

7:00pm Springwatch with Bill Oddie 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Sounds of the Eighties 9:00pm Soul Deep: The Story of Black Popular Music 10:00pm Van Morrison: Live at Ryman 10:30pm Stan Tracey: The Godfather of British Jazz 11:40pm Holmfirth Hollywood 12:40pm Shepperton Babylon Bit of background information on TV Ellen for you all, I actually use to live in Shepperton, it was pretty with munchkins and lollipop rivers,and old people were allowed to run through fields free range. Then I moved to Bristol where chavs drink White Lightning in badly-lit parks. If mother nature was to get anally raped. It would be in Bristol.

1:40am Silent Britain 3:10am Stan Tracey: The Godfather of British Jazz Right you know Professor Wheeto right off the Wheeto box.

Where the hell has he gone?

Some theorists suggest too many Wheetos led to a early sugar high induced death, but some of us suspect this is simply a ploy to distract people from the real culprit. Tony the Tiger.

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Winx Club 7:25am Transformers Cybertron 7:55am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:25am Sabrina The Animated Series 8:55am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:35pm Airline 2:05pm Coronation Street 2:35pm Emmerdale 3:05pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:10pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:00pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Death Becomes Her 10:05pm Lip Service 10:35pm Manhunter 12:55pm Coronation Street 1:25am ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am ITV Play: Playalong I am emoing up someone in five minutes for promotional photos for the panto Jack and The Giant Beanstalk. Jack is emo yer see, so i have bought along with me a pink T-shirt saying “Breakdance, Not Hearts”...

6:00am Big Brother Live 2:55pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 8:00pm Friends 8:35pm Friends 9:00pm Supernanny US Another stupid x man power 10:00pm Friends 10:30pm Funny Cuts: Tank Commander 10:45pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 11:15pm Big Brother Live S4C ...for him to wear, I think he will look fetching. Also the staple part of any emo outfit, fake lip ring and fingerless stripey gloves. He might though just look like me if i were a man.

Contrary to rumours. im not.

(Half an hour later) Owww, making boys look emo is a satisfying task due to the hotness which comes with giving a a guy a lip piercing, some eyeliner and a tight black T-shirt. Oh my work is so hard.

The trouble with pizza in the gairr rhydd office is you dont just want one piece. You want 40.

7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It With Noddy Big Ears keeps touching me in bad places. 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Ebb and Flo 8:35am Old Bear Stories 8:50am Mio Mao 8:55am Funky Valley 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Mistress 3:40pm Bermuda Triangle 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:30pm Nice House, Shame about the Garden: Revisited 8:00pm Buildings That Shaped Britain The Bute Building.

9:00pm Law and Order 10:00pm Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 11:00pm Larger than Life - Big Love Ohh cuddly love between voluptuous people filmed live.

Yummy.

12:00pm Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 1:00am The Great Big British Quiz 5:30am Wildlife SOS Tony the Tiger admits he was the last person to see Professor Wheeto, and that they did get in an argument over whose cereal contained the most e numbers, however before prowling into the the jungle he left me with these mysterious words. “ Ask snap, crackle and pop about the Luxemberg file.” The mystery deepened and I find myself caught up in the murky underworld of breakfast cereal mascots. What’s the luxemberg file and how are Snap, Crackle and Pop involved? when did i go insane?

PRIMETIME

6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People want your aborted foetuses 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother's Little Brother 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Sweet Sixteen When I was sixteen I was thrust from an all girls school to a mixed school, and no longer accused of being a lesbian by my family. 10:20am Bobby Friction: Generation 7/7 11:10am My Crazy Life 11:35am Hardeep Does Pets 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm 3 Minute Wonder 1:05pm Pork Chop Hill 2:55pm The Coach Trip 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:35pm Unreported World 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 9:30pm 8 Out of 10 Cats Jimmy Carr joke: “whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?” “Being raped.”

10:00pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 10:55pm Bring Back...

The One Hit Wonders Like Olive: Your Not Alone and Sonique: Feels so Good and spin doctors Two Princes. Although I heard a Son of Dork cover of that the other day, it was poison to my little ears 11:55pm Big Brother's Big Mouth 12:30pm Nokia Isle of Wight Festival 2006 1:15am 4Play 1:30am Big Brother Live 3:50am God's Next Army 4:50am Countdown 5:35am Vee-TV I cant believe Karl Kennedy was here earlier and TV Gareth and TV Neil got photos with him, i bet they dont even love him.

PRIMETIME

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am Entertainment Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Mum's On Strike 2:15pm Don't Move, Improve 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:30pm Feodor 3:35pm Art Attack 3:55pm How2 4:20pm Skillz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm The Price Is Right 5:30pm Loose @ 5.30 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Coronation Street 7:30pm World Cup 06: Poland v Ecuador Make up, boys, periods, pillow fights, boys, bras, boys.

These are the things i shall be discussing while the football is on, ‘cos im a girl.

10:00pm Emmerdale 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Helicops 11:30pm To Be Announced Mr Scruff is sound checking downstairs, it sounds like the office is above a menal asylum. And the inmates are all shaving squirrels.

I heard a rumour though that he gives out tea and biscuits during his gigs. Im sure thats what the students want at a dance night, unless you replace the word tea with sex and biscuits with copious amounts of mind altering drugs.12:00pm ITV Play: Quizmania 4:10am Too Many Cooks 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News Will number 20 senghennydd road kindly shut the fuck up, with your bloody drumming. Your ten minute Drum solos are distracting me from writing hilarious and witty things. And i heard you playing Mcfly before. Shame on you, take a shower.

MUFFINS!

PRIMETIME

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:05am Dennis the Menace 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 9:00am Underground Ernie 9:15am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:30am Boogie Beebies 9:45am Springwatch 10:30am Primary History: Britain Since 1948 10:50am Writing Across the Curriculum 11:10am New Kid in the Class A guide on how to psychologically scar the new kid for life, leading to reoccurring nightmares, phobias and/or suicide. Bonus. 11:30am Watch my back im going in 11:45am Watch 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:30pm The Flying Gardener The oddest x men power ever 2:00pm The Queen at 80 She would still get it 3:00pm Return to Tuscany 3:30pm The People's Museum 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Flog It! 6:30pm The Urban Chef 7:00pm Pets for Profit 7:30pm A Year at Kew 8:00pm How to Be a Gardener Revisited 8:30pm Gardeners' World 9:00pm Terry Jones's Barbarians 10:00pm Grumpy Old Women 10:30pm Newsnight 11:00pm Newsnight Review 11:35pm Later with Jools Holland 12:40pm The Daytrippers 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest:Cinema for the Ears 2:30am Meaning in Abstract Art 3:00am The Golden Thread 3:30am Wallace in Wales 4:00am Finding a Voice 4:30am Finding a Voice 5:00am Finding a Voice 5:30am Ever Wondered about Food?

YES, yes I have!!! Why is it so GOD DAMM MUMMYYYYY… apart from snails and frogs legs.

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Britain's Streets of Debt 10:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:00am Escape to the Country 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Diagnosis Murder 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm Animal Park 4:00pm World Cup Match of the Day Live Narnia vs Middle Earth. See how much I care about the World Cup. Im too busy being distracted by talk of make up and periods.

7:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 7:30pm Airport 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm Home Again 9:00pm Have I Got News for You 9:30pm They Think It's All Over 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35pm World Cup Match of the Day 12:20pm Puppet on a Chain Intriguing name for a film, maybe its about weird puppet bondage love, or even kinky puppet loving or even… no wait.. it’s about hired assassins. 2:00am World Cup Match of the Day Replay 3:40am Sign Zone:The Happiness Formula 4:10am Sign Zone:The Happiness Formula I think I got this worked out. Sex + biscuits + slaves to do your bidding - guilt about slaves + swimming pool filled with marshmallows - hygiene issues from this + dragon from Never Ending Story giving me lifts to Tesco - incarceration of said Dragon by police= HAPPINESS! 4:40am Joins BBC News 24

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:25am Big Brother's Little Brother 7:55am Big Brother 8:55am Frasier 9:30am The Deadly Knowledge Show 9:55am Sweet Sixteen 10:20am Bobby Friction: Generation 7/7 11:10am My Crazy Life 11:35am Hardeep Does Pets 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Dwdlam 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Bibi Bel 12:50am Planed Plant Bach:Penblwydd Pwy 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Pentre Bach 1:15pm House Auction 1:45pm Deal or No Deal 2:30pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant (4.005.00):Beyblade 4:25pm Teledu Eddie 4:50pm Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Coach Trip 6:30pm Uned 5 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:30pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 9:30pm Cymru Am Byth 10:00pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 10:55pm 8 Out of 10 Cats 11:30pm My Name Is Earl 12:00pm Will and Grace 12:30pm Nokia Isle of Wight

Saturday

June 5 - 11 2006

Page 25

brother@incestcanbegood.usedandabused.org

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters World Cup Windups

Mighty Truck of Stuff

ITV1 10pm

BBC2 9am

UFOs: The Secret Evidence

Ch4 7.10pm

The OC S4C 11.20am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm World Cup Highlights 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:15pm Grown Ups 8:45pm Three's Outtakes 9:10pm The Rock 11:20pm The Message 11:50pm The Real Hustle 12:20pm The Real Hustle 12:50pm Paparazzi 1:50am Blood on the Turntable Popular Disc Jockeys I would like to mortally wound: Pete Tong, Fergie, Ann Savage, Vernon Kay, Tiesto, Ferry Corsten, Arman Van Buuren, DJ Lethal, Tim De Luxe (although maybe I’ll just dismember him because I quite liked that It Just Won’t Do song), Annie Mac, Judge Jules. Etc. While I’m on the subject, I wouldn’t mind mortally wounding the following people: Dame Judi Dench, Alistair Darling, Michael Schumacher, Esther Rantzen, Gary Wilmot, George Michael (but again, maybe just a wounding here because I quite liked that Freeeek! song he did a few years ago.

3:15am The Real Hustle This is the one where they deck old women and steal their cat food outside the Co-op.

7:00pm 21st Century Bach 7:10pm Mozart's Missing Manuscript “I was manufactured

by J Edgar Hoover and didn’t actually exist, and all the pieces of music perpetrated by me were actually the result of a US think tank over a century ago to cover up the fact that a flea-bitten monkey managed to write numerous compositions that were better than anything the rest of Europe had ever produced.

9:10pm Dangerous Liaisons 11:05pm Stan 12:05pm The Mark Steel Lecture 12:35pm Samuel Johnson Prize 2006: The Contenders This year’s entrants include Samuel Johnson the pipe smoker from Bath, Samuel Johnson the taxidermist from Hemel Hempstead, Samuel Johnson the carpet cleaner from Tunbridge Wells, Samuel Johnson the farting man of Coventry, and Samuel Johnson, who runs a pie and pasty shop in Neath. The judge is the animated corpse of Samuel Johnson the dictionary writing old fag.

1:05am Stan

6:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse 7:20am MacDonald's Farm 7:40am Bag People 8:10am Woodpecker's Tale 8:25am Mags and Mo 8:40am Babar 9:00am Time to Dance 9:10am Teleshopping 9:25am Emmerdale Omnibus 12:10am Coronation Street Omnibus 2:35pm Holiday Showdown British rednecks with nothing better to do than go on 18-30 holidays with their kids, lager themselves up in the hotel bar and then shit on 2000 years of Spanish culture, swapping holidays with upper-crust toffs who like medieval re-enactments.

EVERY WEEK! 3:35pm Celebrity Fit Club USA 4:30pm Airline USA 5:00pm Airline USA 5:35pm Death Becomes Her 7:30pm Maverick 10:00pm Manhunter I can’t actually believe they’re showing this again. Wasn’t it on only a couple of weeks ago? Still, you set to see William “Captain Suave” Peterson looking a bit ridiculous with tightly curled hair, so a repeat viewing is welcomed, just this once.

12:20pm Lip Service

:00am Big Brother Live 9:40am Big Brother's Little Brother 10:10am Big Brother: Live Eviction 11:10am Big Brother: Live Eviction 11:40am Big Brother Live 1:30pm Totally Frank 2:00pm The Album Chart Show 2:30pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends I love how every time in any glossy toss rag like Now! or Gimme That Goss! or Fuckster! you get these little pointless vox pops with soap starlettes like Tina O’ Brien or Nancy Spaghetti from Emmerdale, and they always say they just LOVE Friends. Why? Because none of them have watched a single television program since 1997. FACT. Even mawkish Orienteering students with nothing interesting to say about them at least made the switch to Sex and the City in 1999. Bints.

6:00pm Big Brother Live 8:00pm Friends 8:35pm Friends I loved it when Monica proposed to Chandler!!! 9:05pm Wife Swap 10:10pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 11:10pm Big Brother Live

R

I

M

E

T

I

M

E

6:00am Sunrise 6:55am Oswald 7:10am Oswald 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:15am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:30am The Book of Pooh 9:05am Gerald McBoing Boing 9:35am Wishbone 10:10am RAD - The Groms Tour America 10:40am No Girls Allowed 11:40am Fifth Gear 12:45am House Doctor 1:20pm Irreconcilable Differences The real reason behind TV John’s exit from TV Desk tonight. 3:15pm Topkapi 5:25pm Charmed 6:15pm Josie and the Pussycats Awesome teen flick featuring revolting tramp-knickered trollop Tara Reid in one of her first film roles. She’s a lovely lass isn’t she. She’s like, if Paris Hilton is a back street ho, then Tara Reid is the haggard washerwoman with no teeth and a washboard who lives in a ditch and sings sea shanties to the rats to get them off her face at night.

8:00pm five news and sport 8:20pm NCIS Apparently this is even better than CSI. To which I say, fuck you!

9:10pm CSI:NY 10:10pm Law and Order: Criminal Intent 11:10pm Blink 1:10am NHL Ice Hockey I don’t know anything about NHL Ice Hockey, so is it wrong of me to assume it’s exclusively played by mardyfaced Canadian flubber-jockeys who enjoy pasting each other up on the rink as a substitute for the fact their mothers don’t love them and they were bullied at school?

P

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am The Treacle People 7:00am Adrenalin Rush 7:30am FIA GT Championship Highlights 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am T4:Big Brother's Little Brother 9:20am T4:Pure T4 9:50am T4:Friends 10:20am T4:Popworld 11:10am T4:Friends 11:40am T4:Big Brother: Live Eviction 12:40am T4:Big Brother: Live Eviction 1:25pm T4:Chantelle's Dream Dates 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:00pm A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 5:00pm Wife Swap 6:00pm Deal or No Deal 6:45pm Channel 4 News 7:10pm UFOs: The Secret Evidence 9:10pm Big Brother Hopefully Richard will have been voted out by now, the nasty shitty chrome-domed old jessie.

10:10pm Jack and Sarah 12:10pm Nokia Isle of Wight Festival 2006 Now, I’ve got nothing against The Isle of Wight as a whole, I’ve had many enjoyable holidays there. In fact, on the last two, I didn’t suffer any violently horrific flashbacks and paranoia attacks at all! But the festival, man what a pile of dadfancying fret-a-manger wank dribble fucking about on stage and masquarading as real music for undersexed Virgin Radio DJs. Seriously.

1:45am The Album Chart Show The current top 10 albums include Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Zero 7, The Kooks and Jack Johnson, so forgive me if I’m not rushing home to set my Sky Plus to record this filth. 2:15am Michael Jackson's Moments 2:25am Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 3:25am Big Brother Live 4:45am Unreported World 5:10am Countdown 5:55am The Hoobs

PRIMETIME

6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory 6:35am Little Einsteins 7:00am Dora the Explorer 7:25am House of Mouse 7:55am Dave the Barbarian 8:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Kim Possible 9:25am Saturday Cooks 10:50am Too Many Cooks 11:35am ITV News; Weather 11:40am ITV Wales News and Weather 11:45am F1 British Grand Prix Qualifying 2:00pm Pulling Power Six girls try their luck and then slide open their legs in an attempt to seduce the bucktoothed curlyfro-ed ugly Liverpudlian singer from Cast, John Power.

2:30pm Quincy, ME 3:30pm Airline 4:00pm ITV Wales News and Weather 4:15pm ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 4:30pm World Cup 06: Trinidad and Tobago v Sweden 7:00pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Don’t bet on universally agreed no-hopers the Ivory Coast to win the below match is a good way to start.

7:45pm World Cup 06: Argentina v Ivory Coast 10:00pm Rio Ferdinand's World Cup Windups I’m sorry, but I just can’t tolerate this shit. Goggle-eyed alienbred cornball Rio Ferdinand japing about and pranking his fellow England players?

Yeah, like they’d be difficult to fool 11:05pm ITV News 11:20pm World Cup 06 Highlights Hmm, did universally agreed no-hopers The Ivory Coast triumph against cheating druggies and general bad losers Argentina? Check out the results here. 12:35pm ITV Play: Quizmania 4:10am People's Court 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am CBeebies:Gordon the Garden Gnome 6:15am Come Outside 6:30am Bob's Mini Projects 6:35am Our Planet 6:45am Postman Pat 7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:15am Arthur 7:40am Dennis the Menace 8:00am Watch My Chops 8:15am Trollz 8:35am What's New Scooby Doo? 9:00am Mighty Truck of Stuff 11:45am Sportsround 12:00am See Hear 12:45am Hands on Nature 12:55am The Sky at Night 1:15pm Talking Movies 1:40pm French Open Tennis: Women's Final 3:55pm Music of the Heart 5:50pm Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 6:20pm Flog It! 7:20pm Imagine... A Short History of Tall Buildings 8:20pm The Culture Show 9:10pm The Summer of 1989 10:10pm QI 10:40pm Pay It Forward Hilariously awful Kevin Spacey dross with the little bugger from The Sixth Sense upping the ‘cute’ factor.

12:35pm The Culture Show 1:25am Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest:Science Shack 2:30am Truth Will Out 2:45am Background Brief Consciousness 3:00am The Birth of Liquid Crystals 3:30am Open Advice: A Different Way of Learning 4:00am Deadly Quarrels 4:30am Soaring Achievements Not to be confused with sawing achievements, in which all the warped tree surgeons of Great Britain (ie all of them, you’ve got to be one chunking great fuck-up to be a tree surgeon, come on!) rank their favourite tree surging esperiences from ten down to one.

5:00am The Challenge

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am Breakfast 10:00am Saturday Kitchen 11:30am Bill's Food 12:00am BBC News; Weather 12:10am A Question of Sport: World Cup Special 12:40am World Cup Match of the Day Live The length of time this programme is on` suggests to me, that England are involved.

Who are we playing? Paraguay.

What does the office know about Paraguay? “It’s in South America, and I imagine it’s quite mountainous” - News desk. “Is that where they make parasols?” - Deputy Editor Will. “I also imagine they’ do a lot of drug deals, that’s what South Americans do” - more information from News.

4:15pm The Italian Job So what if England lose, let’s do a big fucking bank heist in Italy, that’s the spirit boys!

5:50pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 6:10pm Weakest Link 7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm The National Lottery Jet Set 8:20pm Casualty 9:10pm Viva Blackpool Hopefully this will have nothing to do with the crummy town full of batty Northern deadbeats gambling their sausage money on slot machines, and has everything to do with the David Tennant murder mystery Blackpool, originally shown in 2004.

10:40pm BBC News; Weather 11:00pm World Cup Match of the Day 12:00pm The Dogs of War Stalag Wooft, The Wooftwaffer, Bow Wowsvitch, Black Hawk Down, boy! Bridge Rover the River Kwai, Gatling Gundog, The Poodlebugs, etc.

1:55am Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 3:00am World Cup Match of the Day Replay

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Adrenalin Rush 7:30am FIA GT Championship Highlights 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am Friends 9:25am Friends 9:50am Big Brother's Little Brother 10:20am Totally Frank 10:50am Chantelle's Dream Dates 11:20am The OC 12:10am Big Brother: Live Eviction 1:10pm Big Brother: Live Eviction 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:00pm It's Me or the Dog 4:30pm Le Rygbi 6:45pm Newyddion a Chwaraeon 7:00pm Dudley 7:30pm Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Sir Ddinbych 2006 9:00pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10:00pm Big Brother 11:05pm Tricks from the Bible 12:05pm Nokia Isle of Wight Festival 2006 1:35am Rockfeedback Here’s my feedback on the free CD that came with Kerrang! this week: Rubbish! A load of rock bands nobody care about covering songs nobody likes, Fightstar doing an exact copy of a Deftones song, and the worst Weezer cover ever by Biffy Clyro.

Let’s all celebrate.

2:00am Rockfeedback

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

Sunday

Page 26

June 5 - 11 2006

French@froggy.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Lost

Little Nicky

Channel 4 6.45pm

Channel 4 10pm

Round The Twist

five 11.30am

Postman Pat

BBC2 6.50am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

7:00pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth Ohhh i see a tedious link to a Bright Eyes lyric, “At the centre of the world there is a statue of a girl.

She is standing near a well with a bucket bare and dry.

I went and looked her in the eyes and she turned me into sand.

This clumsy form that I despise scattered easy in her hand.”

Man. I’m. Deep.

8:00pm Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 9:00pm Spiral 9:50pm Nine Queens 11:40pm Tales from Europe: France 12:40pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 1:40am Paul Merton's Silent Clowns 2:40am Tales from Europe: France I don’t know that many French people and the ones i have met are lovely, its just you know. Ive been there.

“Your country sucks.

French Froggys!”

“You call me French Froggy?

Then i call you Roast Beefys!”

“You call me Roast Beefy? Then I call you French Froggy Face!”

“You call me French Froggy Face then i call you a cunt.”

PRIMETIM

6:00am The Sunday Programme 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am Recess 7:40am Super Robot Monkey Team...This sounds like the best idea in the world ever.

Monkeys + Robots = an erection if i were a man. or had a penis. I wonder what it would be like to have one of those just for the day? The adventures i could go on...the spin off sitcom “Ellen gets a penis.” I see it now...Actually i fancy too many people to have a penis. Might give the mystery away. “Oh that, thats my erm... gun.”

8:05am Power Rangers SPD 8:30am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Winx Club 9:25am Skillz 9:30am Spongebob Squarepants 9:45am Spongebob Squarepants 10:00am Sunday Feast 10:55am ITV News; Weather 11:00am ITV Wales News and Weather 11:05am F1 British Grand Prix Live 2:10pm Crocodile Hunter Diaries 3:10pm Crocodile Dundee II Mick and Sue continue where they left off in "'Crocodile' Dundee". New York gangsters are pursuing Sue, so for her safety, Mick takes her back to Oz. When the gangsters follow them, Mick demonstrates his outback skills once more.5:10pm Family Fashion 6:10pm ITV Wales News and Weather 6:25pm ITV News; Weather 6:45pm Emmerdale 7:15pm Coronation Street 7:45pm World Cup 06: Angola v Portugal 10:00pm ITV's Best Ever Ads 2 11:05pm ITV News 11:15pm The South Bank Show 12:15pm F1: British Grand Prix Highlights 1:15am IRB Rugby Sevens 1:45am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:10am Fat Chance 4:35am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am The Sunday Programme 9:00am Teleshopping 9:25am Planet's Funniest Animals 9:45am Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

10:30am Airline USA 11:00am Airline USA 11:30am Nanny 911 12:30am Coronation Street Family Album 1:00pm Emmerdale Secrets: Disasters 1:55pm Emmerdale Omnibus 4:40pm Coronation Street Omnibus 6:30pm X Factor: Battle Of The Stars 8:00pm The Xtra Factor: Battle of the Stars - The Finale 9:00pm Supernatural 10:00pm Lip Service 10:30pm Coronation Street 11:00pm D-Tox 1:00am ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am ITV Play: Playalong “You call me a cunt? Then i call you a cunt rag!”

“You call me a cunt rag? Then i call you a cunt rag... face.”

“Ellen why are you arguing with yourself?”

“Coz i forgot to take the pills to repress my split personality disorder. I am Ellen and Pierre.”

6:20am The Hoobs 6:45am The Treacle People 7:00am Trans World Sport 7:55am Red Bull Air Race 8:20am Vee-TV 8:50am T4:One Tree Hill 9:50am T4:Hollyoaks 12:25am T4:Big Brother 1:30pm T4:Big Brother's Little Brother 2:30pm Totally Frank 3:00pm The OC 4:00pm Friends 4:35pm Ladyhawke Not one of the best childhood films, Michelle Pfiffer (I know thats not how you spell her name, what yer gonna do?

Call the literacy police? That’s what I thought. You’re actually calling them? I told you before that there is NO literacy police.

What do you mean its the fourth emergency service?)

Michelle stupid last name is a bird, and it makes her life a bit difficult.

6:45pm Lost 7:40pm Channel 4 News 8:00pm Deal or No Deal 9:00pm Big Brother 10:00pm Little Nicky Nikki from Big Brother talks about her childhood as a rent boy.

It would probably go like this “Oh my gawd, like I wasnt lowering myself, I just love the cock of fit men, like oh my gawd, JUSTIFY MY CHILDHOOD.” Yer, i really dont like her. 11:35pm To Be Announced 1:15am The Album Chart Show 1.Red Hot Chilli Peppers 2. Feeder 3. Snow Patrol 4. Zero 7 5. Pet Shop Boys 6. Angels and Airwaves Coincidently this is not only a list of the top six albums around at the moment, but also six reasons to kill yourself.

1:45am 4 Music:4 Play: The Fratellis 1:55am Big Brother Live 4:45am KOTV 5:10am Countdown 5:55am The Hoobs EVICT SEZER, HE’S A KNOB

PRIME-

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters

7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:00pm Wedding Stories: Odd Couples 9:00pm Little Britain 9:30pm Grown Ups 10:00pm Drop Dead Gorgeous About the murky underworld of modelling, like sometimes you have to wear REALLY high shoes. Nah its probably about some simple girl who becomes a model, then people offer her coke and call her fat and she becomes all disillusioned by it and decides she wants to go back to being a laundromat. Yes you can be a laundromat. Yes Ellen. 11:00pm The Rock 1:10am To Be Announced 3:10am To Be Announced a fucking show on weasels. Or weasels fucking.

Hmm beastiality. I did watch a show about it once on channel four, and all these people met up to talk about how much they love horses. And not in a innocent black beauty kinda way, more in a “hmm that horse looks really hot tonight, new hair cut?” way. I was looking up the film Thumbsucker on the internet and i found thumbsucker porn! Why?

6:00am CBeebies:Gordon the Garden Gnome 6:10am Come Outside 6:20am Bob the Builder 6:30am Our Planet 6:50am Postman Pat Postman Pat and his black and white cat, early in the morning when the day is dawning he delivers post and has sex with bored housewives. Every body knows his bright red van, something something about his cat. 7:00am CBBC:Batfink 7:20am Krypto the Superdog 7:30am Smile 10:00am The Big Dig 11:00am Film To Be Announced 1:00pm Sunday Grandstand 1:05pm Motorcycling: Isle of Man TT 1:55pm Athletics: Gateshead Grand Prix 5:00pm French Open Tennis: Men's Final 6:00pm Coast 7:00pm Top of the Pops 7:35pm How I Met Your Mother Funny story, you see your mother, is in fact My mother too! That’s why you look funny and walk into walls.

8:00pm Natural World As opposed to UNNATURAL WORLD. A world with badgers growing out of pygmys armpits. and where babies are born really old, and chickens can predict the future 8:50pm To Be Announced 10:00pm World Cup Stories 11:00pm Dead Ringers 11:30pm Film To Be Announced TV Ellen presents Attack of the Giant Fish Eating Bunnies from Outer Space.

A documentary.

1:10am Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills in the Community:Raising Funds 3:00am Media Relations 4:00am Enterprising Ideas How about shaving a sheep and making him look like a bald cow?

5:00am Volunteering wait cows are bald.

Shellac-prayer to god. brilliant.

P R I M E T I M E

PRIME-

6:00am Breakfast TV Ellen hopes your flatmate hasn’t slipped arsenic into your croissant when you weren’t looking.

9:00am Sunday AM 10:00am Heaven and Earth with Gloria Hunniford 11:00am Bargain Hunt 11:30am Countryfile 12:00am The Politics Show 1:00pm To Be Announced 1:45pm World Cup Match of the Day Live 4:10pm Songs of Praise Oh my god, the new girl on Big Brother is a clone of the other girls who are already in there.

You know stupid. “I really wanna be like a female DJ, I would DJ in my Bikini.” 4:45pm World Cup Match of the Day Live Your Mum vs Your Dad. 7:00pm To Be Announced 7:35pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00pm To Be Announced 10:00pm BBC News; Weather 10:15pm Panorama 10:55pm World Cup Match of the Day 11:40pm Film To Be Announced 1:20am World Cup Match of the Day 2:50am Sign Zone:Holby City 3:50am Sign Zone:A Life of Grime 4:20am Sign Zone:A Life of Grime Why are these on so late! Not all deaf people have tape recorders and/or are insomniacs. Poor little deaf people, with their non working earry peggs. snuggums.

Dear god...

Ive turned into my mother.

I wanted to turn into the cat.

4:50am Joins BBC News 24 A poem to fill up space I am bored My boat is moored I need a drink So not to think About mish and mash Some boys have ginger tasche I love Mikey from Big Brother Even though he is a knob But his face is pretty.

PRIMETIME

Call 02920 229977.

6:00am Franklin 6:25am Sailor Sid 6:30am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:55am Oswald 7:10am Oswald 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy What Noddy says to prostitutes.

8:00am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:15am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:30am The Book of Pooh 9:00am Gerald McBoing Boing 9:30am Snobs 10:00am Make It Big 10:30am Hospital 11:00am Match Academy 11:30am Round the Twist 12:05am A Different Life 12:35am Divine Designs: Spitalfields with Paul Binski 1:20pm five news update 1:30pm To Be Announced 1:50pm Topkapi 4:10pm Big Business 6:00pm five news and sport 6:10pm Back to the Secret Garden 8:00pm The Singing Estate 9:00pm Legally Blonde 2 10:55pm World's Wildest Police Videos 11:50pm England v Germany: The Legends 1:00am Major League Baseball Live 4:05am International Football 5:35am The X Games To all the girls at pearl the surly boys who get to masticate them I've a prize for each and every one of you so just be patient. To all the ones that hated me the most a toast. You really had me going for a second I was nervous boy, am I the poster girl?

She's the kind of girl who gets her slings and arrows from the dumpster The kind who tells you she's bipolar just to make you trust her. She's the kind of girl who leaves out condoms on the bedroom dresser. Just to make you jealous of the men she fucked before you met her

6:00am Big Brother Live 12:10am Popworld 1:00pm Chantelle: Living the Dream 1:30pm Pure T4 2:00pm Big Brother 3:00pm Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 4:00pm Big Brother's Little Brother 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The OC 7:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Lost .

10:00pm Big Brother's Little Brother 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00pm Big Brother Live Pierre says “You are all stupid roast beefy lovers, you have no cheese course at breakfast, and you think we arent being ironic when our exchange students wear leggings and dungarees.”

Ellen says “You eat frogs! And your french exchange students saunter around England with stupid little backpacks speaking French. We dont like that. They might be laughing at us.”

Pierre “We laugh at your ugly women and uneaten frogs. The most beautiful woman in the world is french. Belle from Beatuy and the beast.”

6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Trans World Sport 7:55am Red Bull Air Race 8:20am Vee-TV 8:50am T4:One Tree Hill 8:55am Hollyoaks 11:30am One Tree Hill 12:30am Yr Wythnos 1:00pm Maniffesto 1:30pm Big Brother 2:30pm Big Brother's Little Brother 3:30pm Byd o Liw 4:00pm Newyddion 4:05pm Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 6:00pm Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol 8:45pm Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 9:15pm Tipyn O Stad 10:00pm Newyddion 10:15pm Big Brother 11:15pm Little Nicky 12:50pm Wife Swap 1:45am To Be Announced 1:50am Big Brother Live 2:45am To Be Announced 4:05am Unreported World This week I am mostly listening to: AFI’s Miss Murder, Taking Back Sunday’s Error Operator, and My Ruins’ Vince Vaughn.

Also addicted to Breathe Me by Sia. Download it. It’s beautiful.

(TV Ellen does not condone illegal downloading. She simply encourages it. Unless you really like the band, then you buy the album.) Stay off drugs kids.

Five Minute Fun

June 5 2006

Page 27

Itsnotrape@suprisesex.com

4

3

6

3

6 2 2

1

9

5

7 8

5

5

3

8

6

1

9

7 6

2

9

4 4

8

9

4

3

5

6

5 8

9

8 2

DO WN WI TH RA TS CA MP AI GN

8 4

2 6 9

5

4

3

1

8

7

4

9 2

6

When I think abo you I touch myseut lf

6

7 6

1

Bring out the gimp...

2

7

8

5

HALL OF Text: SHAME 07791 165 837

7

1

8

9

9

GET YOUR RAT OUT FOR WORLD PEACE 1.

The rat has been called the worlds most destructive animalafter man.

2.

Rats destroy an estimated 1/3 of the world’s food supply

3.

25% of all fires of unknown origin are caused by rats

4.

Rats existence depends on Chuck Norris’ good will

5.

26.35% of all flashfloods are caused by rats. FACT.

Five facts...

All about ratty

!

Dirk Diggler and the mallet of wisdom Taurus - Apr 21 - May 21 Recently you have been gorging on your housemates food to relieve the guilt from the fact that you have developed a huge crush on Abdul from Family Fish bar. This love will only blossom if you order a large chicken and chips with extra randy sauce.

Gemini - May 22 - June 22 You want your whopper konged so badly that you can hardly keep yourself from picking up grannies and mutes from down the day centre. However, fortune favours the blind.

Cancer - June 23 - July 23 Don’t let it get you down just because nobody seems to like you. Try watching DVD’s like The Lion King and as Mufussa would say ‘remember who you are’- in your case Billy no mates. Luck is not an option this month.

Leo - July 24 - Aug 23 To be sure to pass your exams you must find the location of the cheapest bar in Cathays. Only then will you realise your true potential. Try starting conversations with the words ‘I shouldn’t be doing this course, I could have been a rock star’. Luck sees you seducing a fat, German lecturer in search of better grades.

Virgo - Aug 24 - Sept 23

Get those dog biscuits out as your girlfriend becomes an embarrassment to crufts.

Try beating her with a rusty pole as a reminder that you will not tolerate her filthy kebab anymore. Check out www.hogslags.com and pick yourself up a new set of pups.

Libra - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23 Yossarian!!

Scorpio - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 To ensure maximum grazing put yourself in a stable.

Sagittarius - Nov 23 -Dec 21 My name is Jimmy, but my friends just call me ‘the hideous penguin boy’.

Capricorn - Dec 22 - Jan.20 RELAX as this month sees your planet move to the blini zone. Effortless pulling is just 10 pints away.

Aquarius - Jan. 21 - Feb. Like the fish you smell of smeg cheese this month.

Inspite of this you are both a gentlemen and a scholar who yearns to suckle on a warm cow teat just one more time. Luck sees you eating a meaty blini this month.

Pisces - Feb 20 - Mar 20 Life isn’t easy for the pin cushion queen, when she sits on her throne pins push through her spleen.

Aries - Mar 21 - Apr 20 Try eating a wheel of cheese to bring love and happiness.

Page 28

s g n i t Lis

Recommended listings@gairrhydd.com

The second to last gair rhydd This Week: MySpace Music, some Northern

T he Suffraj et s

MyFestival @ Cardiff Thurs. June 8th

@ Barfly Wed. June 7

7pm / £6

7.30pm/£5 Sgueglia recommends

W

ednesday June 7, the Barfly is going to accommodate The Suffrajets .

I’m not talking about a promotion of a new feminist movement contrary of the most powerful female music revolution.

These terrible girls, far removed from the typical girl band stereotype (who remembers the Spice Girls?) show us that serious music (such as rock) is not a male dominated field.

Growing up with the music in their blood, the Suffrajets, who are just 19, have already signed with Sony Records and begun recording in Los Angels with Carminia

T he F u tu re h e a d s @ Great Hall

Sun. June 11 7.30pm/£12.50 Harris recommends

S Schmit recommends

F

or those of you who’ve started to realise that your social life is swiftly becoming as mundane and uneventful as Michael Douglas’ a leather-faced, frail, elderly man’s sex life, I won’t need to introduce the global phenomenon MySpace.

If however you do still have real, physical friends. then it might be about to change. MySpace is the worldwide networking website, where people can meet and message each other (amongst other things) on a global scale.

MySpace, however, has also been of great help to bands, who

Co min g U p @ S tu d en t s’ Union

have used the site as a platform to broadcast their music to the world for free, helping them to gain large fan bases from different countries.

It is this music section of the site that’s the basis for tonight’s festiv(al)ities. To celebrate the unveiling of MySpace Music UK, MyFestival invites you to see 50 of the hottest emerging bands on MySpace lovingly chosen to play in some of the hottest venues across the UK. That’s 50 bands, five nights, and five cities.

On June 8 the festival comes to Cardiff, and for just £6 you can go and see three bands in either the Students’ Union, Barfly or Clwb Ifor Bach.

June 5 2006

In the Union the famously John Peel-endorsed Crimea, Jont, and the piano-led, indie-rock band Air Traffic povide the music.

Clwb Ifor Bach sees the much loved indie-spaz merchants the Automatic, the Jackson Analogue, and fellow Welsh hopefuls Viva Machine take to the stage.

Finally, in the Barfly, the headline act are Good Shoes, who claim to play danceable, shed rehearsed guitar music, along with support from Cazals, and Members of the Public.

To check out any of the bands visit www.myspace.com/myfestival and click on the band names, and for ticket info contact the venues.

underland four-piece the Futureheads, a band lucky enough to count Dave Grohl as a fan, are marking the release of their new album with what should be a great show here in Cardiff.

The album, ‘News and Tributes’, is their second full-length effort, although they also put out Area, a well received EP in November last year.

News and Tributes’ lead single, Skip to the End, marks the inevitable maturing of the band as songwriters and musicians, but stays true to the standards set with their eponymous debut of producing finely tuned music.

They manage to both look back on their musical inspirations bands from the 80s and before such as Gang of Four, Talking Heads and the Jam to name just a

Appice. After two singles like Hold These Eyes and Distinction these rock women captured the interest and admiration of thousands of fans.

Their video for Distinction was deemed as ‘top totty’ by Scuzz viewers and Channel Four showed a documentary of the band, capturing their passion for music.

The band is made up of Vicky Kingston, Claire Wakeman, Gemma Clarke and Alex Gillings.

Kingston played the double bass in the Chichester Youth Orchestra.

Claire Wakeman is the guitarist and also the vocalist of the band.

Drummer Gemma Clarke is the drummer who walked out of Pete Doherty’s Babyshambles after things got a little bit messy, i.e. right at the start. Guitarist Gillings also joins Wakeman on guitar.

If you are even a little bit feminist (like myself, of course) bring your boyfriend and male friends to this fabulous event: this show, in fact, could represent a good chance to prove them that girl bands are not only legs and bottoms but also basses, guitars and brains. Few girl bands are like the Suffrajets.

And for that, we salute them.

few - yet they also make music that is somehow forward-looking and inventive, merging sounds from that era and now, often producing glorious results.

Their superlative reinterpretation of Kate Bush’s Hounds of Love was one example of this, and it became their first top-ten hit, enabling them to re-launch their garnering eventually album, enough sales to achieve gold status. They also managed to snag Gang of Four’s guitarist Andy Gill to co-produce their first album.

Along with their other singles such as Decent Days and Nights, the Futureheads have established a growing presence in the US that many British bands would be jealous of. They have toured multiple times on their own, supported Franz Ferdinand and played the main stage of major music festival Coachella last year.

For a band that formed just six years ago and played their first gig at Ashbrooke Cricket Club, to end up supporting Oasis on an arena tour, plus selling-out their own shows at venues such as the Astoria, shows just what you can achieve with a bit of hard work and some damned good songs.

Allister - July 6 @ CF10, £9.00, 7pm ... Billy Talent - July 8 @ Solus, £11.00, 7pm ... Less Than Jake - August 26 @ Great Hall, £15.00, 7pm ... Motion City Soundtrack - September 19 @ Solus, £10.00, 7pm ... The Kooks - October 10 Great Hall, £13.50, 7.30pm ... Fightstar - October 17 @ Solus, £12.00, 7pm ... We Are Scientists - November 1 @ Great Hall, £12.50, 7pm ... Motorhead - November 11 @ Great Hall, £22adv, 7pm

Bil ly Ta len t

June 5 2006

Day By Day

Page 29

listings@gairrhydd.com

with Schmit, Harris & Sgueglia rapscallions, and Gooooldfinnnggerrrrrr .....

Monday05/06

Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS. £3 otherwise.

X Factory @ The Taf Legendary Xpress DJs. 9pm-1am FREE New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer.

I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger Five rooms, five bars, two dancing rooms, private booths. Tonight: Valentine’s Black and White Ball 9.30pm. £3/4 NUS. Monday Live @ Buffalo Bar The latest rock and indie tunes. 9pm - 2am. £2/3.

Live @ Barfly The Research / Fortune Drive. The Research are made up of Russell the disaster on keyboards, a cute girl on drums and a loudmouth on bass. They are one of Leeds' best new exports with their catchy intelligent pop matched with amazingly witty lyrics. 7.30pm. £7.

Tuesday06/06

.

Comedy Club @ CF10, SU The weekly comedy night in CF10. See the posters around the Union for this week’s line up. 8-11pm £4 NUS Soul Motion@ Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm2am. Free.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Once upon a time... (No, that's not right) A long time ago, in a galaxy... (That's not right either) Many years ago (somewhere in 198?), Cardiff University Rock Society started a small rock disco... 9pm. £2.50.

PickOf The Day Live @ St. David’s Hall Shirley Bassey. You may remember her from such James Bond songs as Goldfinger.....Diamonds Are Forever....

Shirley’s probably one of the world's favourite divas, and is as Welsh as a lump of mined coal (that lives in America). With more than a quarter-century of singing under her frock, she is truly a living legend.

8pm. £35.

Wednesday07/06

Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU It’s time to get into all things sporty, sweaty an shit-faced. It’s Rubber Duck. 10pm. £3.

Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music: aucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3.

Traffic @ Philharmonic Cardiff’s DJ and club bing sociiety takes over the decks, playing house music until one in the morning. 9pm.

Panic @ Barfly The very latest and great Indie hits. A brand spanking new FREE ENTRY clubnight.

10.30pm.

Eat the DJ @ Buffalo Bar Resident DJs. FREE. Roots Hall @ Moloko Resident DJs / Phoenix Emily / DJ Truth. 8pm.

FREE. Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly The Suffrajets / Five Miles Out / Strawberry Blondes. In the current trend of the Libertines look–a–like bands it is always a very good surprise to find something different.It is even more unexpected when the surprise appears under the name of The Suffrajets: four punk rock ladies, angry, yet sweet, willing to rock your night out with a guitar solo. For further information about this gig see the facing page.

Jazz @ Cafe Jazz All instruments and singers are welcome, anyone that arrives early enough is given the chance to play. £2 / £1 for musicians.

Live @ Buffalo Bar Forecast Presents: Ariel Pink / Belong. Ariel Pink are a lo-fi electronic pop outfit from L.A utilising all the percussive powers of one man's mouth plus some more traditional instruments. 8pm. £6.

Educating Rita @ Sherman Theatre Willy Russell's warm comedy of love and learning, chronicles the stormy relationship between Rita, a 22-year-old hairdresser, and Frank, a 50-year-old inebriated University professor, as they square up to each other over a battlefield of poetry, prose and pints.

See last week’s paper for a larger chunk of information. 7.30pm. £7.

Educating Rita @ Sherman Theatre 7.30pm. £7.

Mary Black @ St. David’s Hall A legend in her homeland of Ireland, Mary Black has long held the attention of the followers of Irish Music as one of the finest female vocalists in the world. 7.30pm.

Personals @ New Theatre Please note this has been CANCELLED

Friday 09/06

Saturday10/06

Sunday11/06

PickOf The Day Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Dopamine / The Blackout / First Born / Red October / Drama In The Harbour.

Thoughtful, agreeably polished emo-metal, brewed in the valleys of Wales. 7.30pm. £5.

Fat Friday @ Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) Probably the best club night on Fridays, and far more relaxed than the equally-good-in-allother-ways Popscene.

10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4.

Mad4It! @ Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever. 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Audio Velvet @ Buffalo Bar Weekly party action of new music mixed with beat driven mayhem from the past, present and future. 8pm. £2/3.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Chapter XIII / Air Raid / The Fondas / Talula. Slap-bass, piercing guitar solos and stuttering keyboards, Chapter XIII have set down their intention of mixing Faith No More rhythmic rock with an eclectic mix of pop, electronic and modern rock. 7pm. £4.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Pedigree Falcon/BTS Present: Zail / Zumba / Traw. 8pm. £5.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Sumo presents Meat Katie / Vandal / residents Chico Fresco and West One. 10pm. £7.

The Forster King Blues Band @ Cafe Jazz A band playing a mix of Chicago blues and New Orleans funk. 9.30pm. £3.

Educating Rita @ Sherman Theatre 2pm / 7.30pm. £7.

Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. TRAFFIC (DJ and clubbing socitey) playing house music in the other. 10pm. £3.50.

Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance, go and celebrate the end (ish) of the year. 10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday.

9pm - 2am.

Delinquent @ Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) with a little bit of other stuff thrown in 10pm – 2.30am. £3/4.

Educating Rita @ Sherman Theatre 7.30pm. £7.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Vincent Vincent and the Villains. It’s sweet rock’n’roll and it’s getting louder. Echoing its yawp across town, unsullied by the stench of smoked fish. Soothing the city, slaking its terrible thirst, gentling its pains.

It’s the newest wanderers – the newest sound.7.30pm.£5.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach We Are Trees / Alison's Op / Stringmen. We are threes are Dark, melodic, psychedelic pop.8pm.£5.

Live@RiverBank Hotel Technocrat: Acid Casuals Present DJ Paps.Contact the venues for more details.10pm.£4.

Live @ Great Hall The Futureheads. The lads from Sunderland return to Cardiff for what should be another blinding performance. For further details of the gig see the facing page.

Live @ SU Alter Bridge. After the break-up of Creed, three of its members (Mark Tremonti, Scott Phillips and Brian Marshall) return with this new band. Whilst keeping an open mind about music, the four band members undoubtedly play to their strengths, delivering rock songs that are exciting and melodic in equal measure.7.30pm Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case, the wrong ones.

MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

Pub Quiz @ Woodville Yet another Sunday night quiz to ponder over. 7pm.

Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1.

Open Mic @ Buffalo Bar Live acoustic acts, songwriters, bands and performers every week. 8pm. £2.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Jamie T. Wimbledon has only recently hit the headlines for Wombles, Vinnie Jones, and a the shambolic state of its football team. Jamie T may cause Wimbledon to be brought back into the spotlight as he goes on the road again with his rap /reggae / punk / genius. Let this gig be your last before the summer, and leave Cardiff with a smile on you face. 7.30pm. £6.

The Fourth Chair @ The Social Some great improvised comedy.7.30pm. £FREE. Educating Rita @ Sherman Theatre 7.30pm. £7.

Thursday08/06 Pick Of The Day MySpace presents MyFestival @ Students’ Union / Barfly / Clwb Ifor Bach Three venues , nine bands, one night, multiple hangovers. You can check out the bands at www.myspace.com/myfestival or see the facing page.

Livewire @ Barfly Firing up every metal cylinder, punk piston, and hardcore harddrive. Good music, no dress code, and idiot free... Did I mention it’s FREE ENTRY Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese.

Does exactly what it say on the tin, with drinks being cheaper than a bag of McCain’s. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am.

Aperture @ Moloko Resident DJs / High Contrast / True Meaning / Specific / DJ Focus / DJ Haze / DJ Cujo / Carnage / Fresco / West One. 8pm. FREE before 11pm.

Clubnight @ La Tropicana Hip-hop and R&B student night. 10pm.

Cookie Puss @ Buffalo Bar The real deal mix of non re-issue funk 45s, soul melodies, afro, freakbeat and a nice bit of jazz.

9pm. £2/3.

Loco @ La Tantra Open until 4am.

Raise the Roof @ Journeys New and local live music - different genres each week.

Live @ Blues Dragon Club Jack the Biscuit. Will it be a cookie, bourbon cream, custard cream, and Oreo (for the Yanks amongst you), a Penguin bar, or perhaps a Club biscuit? 8.30pm. £3.

Educating Rita @ Sherman Theatre 2pm / 7.30pm. £7.

Absolute Swing @ St. David’s Hall Please note this has been CANCELLED

VENUES Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com

Sport

June 5 2006

Page 30

sport@gairrhydd.com

Beautiful game

By Dave Menon Deputy Sport Editor ENGLAND HAS SPENT 40 years dreaming, screaming, throwing objects at the telly, drowning their sorrows, hiding behind the sofa and shedding tears.

That’s right, the 2006 FIFA World Cup is upon us.

After finishing my exams, I am getting ready to sit back, relax and enjoy watching teams all over the world battle it out for the most prestigious prize in football.

Critics have said that football is a vehicle for racism, a platform for xenophobia and an excuse for violence, hatred and crime.

As an avid football fanatic, I do see an element of truth in such an argument. Violence and football are heavily linked. Notably, two Leeds supporters were stabbed to death by Galatasaray fans in April 2000.

The same could be said about racism and football. In March 2005, Spanish supporters directed ‘monkey chants’ at England internationals Ashley Cole and Shaun WrightPhillips.

Such critics are keen to kick football to the curb without much consideration. Yes, violence and racism do exist in football, but what more could be done to prevent it?

The Home Office have identified 3,286 troublemakers who were forced to hand in their passports last week. In addition, these hooligans are required

Little squad massive win

By Catherine Hewitt and Alex Westwood Karate Reporters

CELEBRATION: South Korean fans follow their team in 2002 by law to visit a police station on the dates of England’s first three games.

Security in Germany during the tournament has been strengthened, and fans will be ejected immediately from grounds for demonstrating any form of racial abuse.

Rather than slating football the media should celebrate the ‘beautiful game’ and think about the positives.

Fundamentally, football is a form of exercise, as opposed to a religion or hate campaign. Football is popular in this country, because a large majority of the British population enjoy playing the sport.

I love playing football because it unites people. I have met many friends from having a good kick-around in the park on a Sunday afternoon.

Moreover, football keeps many

children away from their Playstations and enables people to learn that life is about winning and losing.

However, football also unites supporters. Despite the reported incidents of violence and racism within football stadiums today, it must be noted that a minority of fans are responsible for such unforgivable actions.

Although my ethnicity is Indian, I have never been racially abused, despite travelling to nearly 100 football matches.

The majority of football supporters simply want their team to win matches. I am aware that the World Cup will bring about an element of nationalism, but friendly rivalry and competition is never harmful. Sport is all about being competitive and wanting to win; you cannot take that away from football.

And you certainly cannot take that away from a World Cup. Now is not the time to reflect on the ‘dark side’ of football. Now is the time to get behind the England lads, and cheer them on to victory.

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S Wado Kai Karate club triumphed in the recent Higashi Karate Kai Championships, held in Reading.

Six competitors agreed at short notice to represent the club in both kumite (sparring) and kata divisions.

The first success of the day came from the Cardiff instructor Sean Davies third Dan who competed in the black belt divisions, setting an example for the rest of the team.

Davies won silver in the 35+ kata category and built upon that success with a gold in the 35+ kumite group.

In the black belt kumite, Davies fought hard to try and beat the current Commonwealth Champion for first place, but unfortunately missed out and had to settle for silver.

In individual kata Catherine Hewitt

Karate: Bags of medals

LUCA TONI: Playing beautifulyl for Italy this summer?

and Mark Crawford beat senior grades to silver and bronze medals respectively, with Hewitt narrowly missing out on gold.

Crawfordhad continuing success in the individual kumite category where he won a well deserved gold.

Further awards came from Alex Westwood, Tom Barnes and Kate Humprey who all took bronze medals in their individual kumite categories.

The final event of the day saw the men’s kumite team of Alex Westwood, Tom Barnes and Mark Crawford knock out the ‘Dockham’ team from the competition.

Westwood and Barnes went on to fight ‘Ealing B’ for silver, but came away with bronze.

Cardiff left Reading with two gold, three silver and seven bronze medals.

The achievement of the Wado Kai Karate club follows their recent victory in BUSA, ever improving their already impressive medal tally for such a small club.

gair rhydd

Sport ON A PLATE

Cardiff seconds smash Middlesex for six

By Ed Jones Sport Editor CARDIFF’S SECONDS grabbed a six-wicket victory in North London on Wednesday and progressed through to the third round of the BUSA Plate competition.

The start was delayed by two hours as the umpire ruled that the Middlesex facilities were not fit for use and an alternative venue had to be found.

Reduced to a 40-over contest, the game finally got underway at 2.30.

It was unclear whether this delay would have any affect on Cardiff’s performance, with players already suf-

fering from the effects of a long journey.

Having forfeited the toss for late arrival, the Middlesex XI were put in to bat by Cardiff skipper Ed Jones.

The home side’s openers played aggressive strokes from the outset. The step up in class was clear compared to the distinctly average opposition faced in the league stages.

Cardiff’s Ali Price was dispatched for six in the third over of the day.

Cardiff have been able to pick-off batsmen with ease all season but the Middlesex openers provided a much sterner test.

However, Price then produced a

hostile and disciplined spell of bowling. The early embarrassment of being hit for six seemed to spur Price on to produce some of his best figures of the season.

His 4 for 30 saw off the Middlesex top order and set the tone for the remainder of the Cardiff bowling display. Once again Cardiff showed an exciting blend of pace and spin to remove the Middlesex batsmen.

Left-arm spinner Pete Church bowled some tight overs before legspinner Mike Muston (2 for 22) and off-spinner Ed Jones (2 for 6) arrived to remove the late order with the help of two catches from Mark Woodbridge.

After the Middlesex number five, Adnan (44), crunched a long-hop straight into the hands of Chris Allen in the deep, the home side soon folded to 110 all out.

Cardiff stumbled early on in their chase. Woodbridge was bowled in the second over of the innings before Dean Cox was incorrectly adjudged caught behind.

Jones (23) and Allen (23) then formed a partnership of 72 to take Cardiff toward their target of 111.

Allen in particular was outstanding, playing some fine shots against a useful spell of Middlesex bowling.

This settled the nerves for Cardiff

who never looked in danger of not reaching their target.

It was left to Ben Anderson (14 not out) and Deepak Yadav (12 not out) to add the final runs.

Cardiff captain Jones commented after the game: “The pitch was one of the worst we have played on this season but we showed real spirit in all three disciplines.

“I’m incredibly grateful to all the boys who gave up their time during the exam period.

“This is obviously a difficult time of year but coming here and winning comfortably really shows the strength in our squad.”

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN n REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE n GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS n THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS n THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY n LIKE RON JEREMY AFTER A HARD DAY’S WORK... THE BERLINER IS COMING n MENON- ENEMY OF UWIC GYM MANAGERS n OFFICE STARSTRUCK BY PRESENCE OF KARL KENNEDY IN XPRESS n I SWEAR ON TV GARETH’S BEARD n TO THE PERSON OFFENDED BY THE WORD CUNT... CUNT OFF YOU CUNTING CUNT n YES MY WARWICK BOAR, IT IS TRUE n TIME TO GO TO THE SHOP n GEMMA LONG IN ‘MISTRESS’ SCANDAL n EDITOR IMPOSES ‘NO GUSHING’ RULE AS KARL MANIA SWEEPS THE OFFICE